From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): "Spot's Tenth First Christmas" Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 22:58:20 -0500 It's Christmas, so you know what that means: It's stupid story time! All hail me and my awesome improvisational powers! It's hard to believe I've been Internetting these every year since 1991. I must be some sort of super-creative genius to be able to write two pages of text once a year. You can find the same story (and all the ones from previous years) at: http://www.kibo.com/kibofic/spot_xmas_10.shtml ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Spot's Tenth First Christmas -- or -- QUEER EYE FOR THE SPOT GUY A wacky romp involving terrifying accurate stereotypes written Christmas Eve, 2003 Copyright (C) 2003 James "Kibo" Parry "Ding dong," said Spot's boring, fiercely heterosexual doorbell. Spot got up from his plain ordinary heterosexual armchair and walked across his completely heterosexual foyer to open his house's bland, entirely heterosexual door. There were five allegedly fabulous gay guys there! "Hello, Spot," said the one who looked like Peter Davison with Bob Hope's nose, "We're the Fab Five and you're on tonight's episode of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Dog'." "Wow!" said Spot, "This is the greatest honor I've ever received -- I've been called 'straight' on TV!" "And, Spot, we're going to cure you of that nasty homophobia by rearranging your furniture and cutting your hair. Suddenly all your gay friends will stop just pretending to be attracted to you." "WOW!" yelled Spot, who expressed excitement through repetition. The Fab Five introduced themselves. There was Carson, who looked like Peter Davison With A Special Nose, and Ted, who did not have human emotions about anything other than wine, and Jai, who was the token Hispanic guy except in the one episode where he was played by a token black guy to keep the show from being even whiter than "Seinfeld", and there were two others whose names Spot couldn't remember so let's just say they were a guy with mechanical claws for hands, and Hawk from the old "Buck Rogers" show. "Let's get started!" said Claw Guy, as they set about throwing out everything Spot owned that couldn't be made fabulous. They began using the word "product" in every sentence, and kept talking about the "color story" of all of Spot's products. Jai went straight for Spot's collection of classic record albums and pulled out a "Firesign Theatre" album, then rubbed it in a very special way to turn it into a "Fierstein Theatre" recording of Harvey Fierstein having phone sex with Tom Carvel. "Eww!" screamed Spot, "I thought you guys were supposed to be making me LESS homophobic!" "I think you need the full cure," said Hawk, "right, boys?" The five of them lunged at Spot and stuffed him into a moldy old mail sack which they tossed in the back of their unmarked black van and drove away. Jai whispered in Ted's ear, "Oh, Ted, are you sure we have space to keep another straight in our dungeon?" "We can always put in a mirror to make it look bigger." The Fab Five all laughed at Ted's hilarious joke about how straight people always think that you can put in a mirror to make a room look bigger. Then, while they were stuck in traffic for the next six hours, they mocked the way straight men shave. Of course, during those six hours, they each got five o'clock shadow (except for Carson, who was too blond to grow facial hair, and Hawk, who had feathers instead) so they got out their special male versions of Lady Remington razors and trimmed away their stubble, always moving the razor in the most efficient gay shaving pattern (alternating knight's moves and boustrophedonic fractals, while keeping the pinkie finger sticking out.) When they got to the "Queer Eye" dungeon, Spot was released from the sack, and he was surprised to discover they had somehow given him several hickies through the burlap. "Which leather straitjacket should we put him in?" asked Jai, "The black one with the black paisley, or the black one with the black polka dots?" Carson said it didn't matter, as long as it was tight enough to make it physically impossible for him not to turn gay. So, they put one straitjacket on his front paws and the other on his back paws. Then they wrapped him in flypaper and Christmas tinsel and hung him upside-down over a hot stove. Spot yelled, "Hey! Is THIS really what gay guys always do behind closed doors in groups of five?" "Yes, Spot," said Ted without looking up from the wine label he had been reading for the past hour, "This is the only thing gay guys ever do." "Wow! I have been sadly misinformed about the activities of your organization, which are weirder than I thought but not icky in any way, shape or form!" "Now hold still, Spot, so we can tape these electrodes to your eyeballs..." "This feels great! I never knew the Stockholm Syndrome could be so enjoyable, and (bzzt) YAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Then, the Fab Five further humiliated Spot by treating him like a human. They made him walk around upright, sleep outside of a cage, and eat high-quality beef with a knife and fork. By now, Hawk and Claw Man had completed drawing their giant wall map of Spot's erogenous zones, and had located all 68,327 of them, including the one which made his leg rotate in circles when rubbed, and the one which made his leg detach and fly around the room in loop-the-loops. Spot's training was now complete, and he was just as gay as he could get in this story! "YAY!" squealed Spot as he used the letter "Y" as a gay vowel, "I AM EVER SO GAYYYYYYY! (bzzt) YAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!" Now that Spot was totally gay, it was time for his dinner break (wine, cilantro, and bruschetta served off the body of Andy Dick.) Then they put him in the sack again and drove him back to his house to see the fabulous makeover they had somehow given it while they weren't anywhere near it. Spot marvelled at how different the "before" and "after" pictures were. The "before" version of the room was dingy and cramped, while the "after" version was colorful and spacious! "Hey, wait a minute!" yelled Spot, "All you guys did was to lower the camera, turn on the lights, and smear Vaseline on the lens! 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' is RIGGED! You guys are ruining gayness for gay dogs like me!" Spot ran out of his faux-fabulous apartment to escape from the gay fraud! He ran and ran while Carson, Ted, Jai, Claw Man, and Hawk chased him, but he escaped by running down the frozen seafood aisle of the local supermarket, and all the gay guys were distracted by a sign that said "SHRIMP POPPERS". Spot got away while they were cramming fried shrimp up their noses. (Carson got seven up there.) Spot had a problem. He was completely gay, but he now realized that all this "gay" stuff had been invented by the cable TV networks just to trick straight people into watching boring shows about fake redecorations accomplished through camera tricks! Because there was not really such a thing as being gay, Spot was very sad about being gay, and vowed to get his old homophobia back. He went home and tried to de-gay his house by hosing it down with beer (because gay guys drink 3,851 different kinds of wine but never beer.) He tried to straighten himself out by watching the straightest TV show he could find in order to undo the effects of "Queer Eye". But the only other show that was on was "Star Trek", which was just for lesbians. Spot cried! "WAAH! I'M TOO GAY!" Then he remembered that he still had electrodes attached to various body parts. That gave him a great idea! He could give himself electroshock while looking at extreme gay porn, and after a few hours of that, he'd be cured of his total gayness! Spot went over to Gaytown (the suburb which took up precisely 10% of the city) and bought all the gay porn he could afford, then spread it out on his floor and prepared to shock the gay vibes out of his tender body. He stared at a centerfold of Scott Thompson exploring the inside of Dave Foley and gave himself shock after shock, but it wasn't working! And worse, the shocks kept erasing the part of his brain that was supposed to be remembering this was supposed to be a Christmas adventure! Spot cried! "Waah! I'm too gay to have a Christmas adventure!" "Ding dong!" said Spot's sexually-confused doorbell. "Ding dong! Ding dong, dearie!" Spot got out of his ambiguous armchair, trotted across his home's latent threshold, and opened the vague door to see his neighbor, Albert Einstein, standing there in a Santa suit. It was made entirely from transparent latex! "WAAH!" cried Spot, "I DIDN'T ORDER A GAY EINSTEIN!" "It's okay, Spot. My equations prove that gayness is just another dimension. You got your north, your south, your east, your west, and you're gay." "Huh?" asked Spot, because dogs can't hear apostrophes. Then Einstein kissed him. "EWW!" yelled Spot, "EINSTEIN GERMS!!!" It was Spot's gayest Christmas ever! Of course, it didn't compare to the Valentine's Day he spent in Charles Nelson Reilly's bathyscaphe, but that's another story. THE END. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- K. Notice I got through the whole story without mentioning Adam West. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (new): "Spot's Tenth First Christmas" Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003 01:49:08 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's Christmas, so you know what that means: It's stupid story time! > > This year's story was the best ever! Okay, that means I can stop now. > But I say that every year ... Oh. Then I'll keep doing them forever. -- K. And I apologize for mentioning the idea of Harvey Fierstein and Tom Carvel having phone sex without making it less gross by referring to them by their secret code names, "Cookie Puss" and "Fudgy The Whale". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (new): "Spot's Tenth First Christmas" Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 23:29:46 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > [...] > > Yay, me! I finally read all of one of Kibo's long posts, and it > turned out to be funny after all. Could you please recap what you were talking about? I missed a lot of stuff because I skipped to the end so I could read how much you loved me. -- K. I think it should count as me having read your whole article because I read that part ten times. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's favorite food in the news Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:11:59 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > This story has it all (for extremely small values of all)! Greed, White > Castle hamburgers, gambling and tales of tobasco sauce. Why it's a > Kibological cornucopia of delights! > > -> Hungry for action > -> > -> Wall Street traders escape dull days > -> > -> By NANCY LEINFUSS > -> Reuters News Service > -> > -> NEW YORK -- Wall Street is known for its hearty and sometime insatiable > -> appetite for risk and money. But burgers are also on the menu. > -> > -> A group of Goldman Sachs & Co. traders, many of them gamblers by nature, > -> decided to put each other to the test during a slow time last week. > -> > -> And after placing an order of 1,000 White Castle burgers to an > -> astonished store manager, the traders were off to the races devouring as > -> many of the chain's mini-burgers as they could stomach in hopes of > -> capturing the title: "King of the Castle." 1,000! That must have filled up TWO of those shoe boxes they come in! > -> The winner: A trader on Goldman's junk bond desk who wolfed down 35 > -> burgers, according to a Goldman source. A Goldman spokesman declined to > -> comment. > -> > -> "Indeed, 1,000 burgers were sold at Castle 58, across from the Empire > -> State building," said Jamie Richardson, director of marketing for the > -> Columbus, Ohio-based White Castle, the oldest hamburger chain in > -> existence. It's technically not directly across from the Empire State, it's kitty-corner from it, half a block southeast on Fifth Avenue. It's my second favorite White Castle, even if it also has Church's Fried Chicken and of course you have to remember to ask them not to put the transparent magenta sugar-based ketchup on the burgers. Apparently New Yorkers like Kool-Aid-flavored ketchup, and ketchup-flavored Kool-Aid. (Remember Fleer's "tomato gum"? NY White Castle's ketchup is that color and that flavor.) > -> Richardson said that while the company does not endorse any official > -> eating contests, it does take pleasure in satisfying its customers' > -> appetites. You can't tell, but he had a weird grin when the said "appetites". Then he rubbed his crotch and yelled "HEYYYY CUSTOMERS I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOUUUUU!" > -> "We encourage people to enjoy and savor our product but not to the point > -> where their cravings take on such an extreme that mayhem ensues," > -> Richardson said. "We don't sponsor eating contests, but we're happy to > -> satisfy people's cravings. Now and then the temptation is too great, and > -> we can certainly understand that too," he said. > -> > -> Founded in 1921 by Bill Ingram, the fast-food chain has remained private > -> and is now run by the founder's grandson, Billy Ingram. More than > -> 500,000 burgers were sold last year at more than 380 restaurants across > -> the country, and the company was the first to cross the billion mark in > -> hamburger sales. > -> > -> Mini-burgers have figured in other Wall Street competitions. > -> > -> "Thirty-five White Castle burgers is a lot," said another Wall Street > -> trader. "I participated in an eating contest like that just a few months > -> ago. I got as far as 17 burgers and started turning sweaty and green so > -> I had to stop," said the contestant, who stopped just short of the 18 > -> burgers needed to win. Thirty-five is a disturbingly large amount. I can manage eight at the most. And it's relatively easy for me because I'm so skinny (that actually gives you an advantage in eating contests because you have more room to expand.) > -> In another example, two years ago at Prudential Securities, one trader > -> was challenged to eat 30 White Castle burgers in 30 minutes. > -> > -> Not only did the contestant rise to the occasion, he wrapped up the > -> contest in just 24 minutes, a bond trader said. > -> > -> "A bunch of traders with some idle time on their hands is a recipe for > -> all kinds of odd behavior," said one bond trader, who watched in > -> disbelief as the Prudential trader polished off the White Castle > -> burgers, also fondly referred to as "belly bombers." > -> > -> The eating contests recall the excesses captured by Michael Lewis book > -> about 1980s Wall Street culture, Liars Poker, in which members of a > -> mortgage bond desk held eating contests. > -> > -> Away from burger-eating contests on Wall Street, one Chicago-based > -> trader recalled a challenge by one of his colleagues daring him to > -> polish off a bottle of hot sauce. And he was grinning when he said "polish" and then he yelled "HEYYYYY COLLEAGUES, I GOT SOMETHIN' HOT AND SAUCY FOR YOUUUUUUUU!" > -> "There have been all sorts of weird contests over the years. At my last > -> job one trader challenged another to drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce. > -> And in another, people challenged each other to chug down a gallon of > -> milk," the debt trader said. "There was all sorts of betting going on." Stockbrokers GAMBLING? I am SHOCKED and my world view is SHATTERED by this discovery of an extreme new level of OBVIOUSNESS!!! > The obvious conclusion is that Kibo needs to become a Wall Street trader so > that he can get in on this action. Of course once they find out about his > aversion to cheese they'll have his Achilles heel well in hand, but that's > just how the anatomical cliche crumbles. You know, I still have about a dozen of those Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue lollipops if you guys want to have a contest I won't try to win. Just start licking, and I'll join in after you guys get hospitalized. -- K. If White Castle had a clown mascot, who would it be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's favorite food in the news Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 23:27:07 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's technically not directly across from the Empire State, it's > > kitty-corner from it, half a block southeast on Fifth Avenue. > > It's my second favorite White Castle, [...] > > Which begs the question, which White Castle location IS your favorite? If > you say that it's your microwave after you've warmed up some store bought > sliders then the terrorists have already won. > > It's my firm belief that your favorite White Castle location is some place > in Minneapolis from back in '00 when you first had an opportunity to eat > them fresh from the griddle rather than fresh from the microwave. Well, > it's either that or the terrorists winning thing, but hope springs eternal. I like the one in North Minn (near where Bob McCoy's Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices used to be) because it has the GOOD castle-frieze wallpaper, as opposed to others in that region with the BAD castle-frieze wallpaper. (The one by the Empire State just has prints of old photos of other White Castle restaurants, which is exactly the same theme as other lame fast-food restaurants use except with the name changed.) Also, I only microwave the frozen ones when I'm depserately hungry. When I can wait for a while, I wrap 'em in foil and bake 'em in the real oven so that they get crunchy on the outside but squishy on the inside. Microwaving them makes them stretchy all over, baking them keeps them softer inside but with a crispy shell. -- K. At Admiral Kibo's Fast-Food Fish Depot, the decor just consists of giant pictures of my head, but for variety sometimes I'm dressed like Captain Crunch and other times like the Gorton's Fisherman, and oh yeah, sometimes I have a hook for a hand. Also, to class up the joint, we never use the phrase "fish sticks". We call them "fishstrusions". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's favorite food in the news Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003 02:03:34 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > > > It's my firm belief that your favorite White Castle location is > > > some place in Minneapolis [...] > > > > I like the one in North Minn (near where Bob McCoy's Museum Of > > Questionable Medical Devices used to be) [...] > > I keep telling myself that on some visit home I'm going to visit the Museum > of Questionable Medical Devices as I often find myself in that part of > town, but it'll never happen and will instead be another item on the long > list of death bed regrets that I've been accumulating lo these many years. > So it goes. You didn't miss much, except the chance to have an automated phrenology machine fondle your head to print out a receipt that says you would make a good zeppelin steward, and the chance to have your stomach massaged by one of those vibrating belt things they only use in old Warner Brothers cartoons, and the chance to sit in one of Dr. Harvey Kellogg's orgasm chairs, and the chance to give yourself an electric shock for a nickel, and the chance to stand really close to some radium suppositories. I tried everything except the radium suppositories, the orgone box (which was cordoned off), the iron lung, and the Violet Wand (I know lots of other places where I can see one of those.) And I bought the video and the book and told Bob McCoy how much fun I had, so then he closed the museum because it had fulfilled its purpose now that Kibo's head had been measured by the robot fondle-fingers. So there! My favorite item was the linoleum tile with a power cord glued to it. You put it under your mattress and it not only cures all known diseases, it even makes lost limbs grow back. Of course, it was from the year which was the focal point of all badness, 1976. > But the real reason for this followup is to correct you on your horrible > (and quite likely unintentional) gaff above. If you insist on abbreviating > Minneapolis the most common form is MPLS, but it must never be abbreviated > as "Minn." as this is a common abbreviation of Minnesota and was even in > popular use before the post office outlawed the use of anything other then > their mandated two letter state names. You don't seem me abbreviating > Boston as Mass. do you? Of course not as it wouldn't make any sense and > people wouldn't have any idea of what city I was actually referring to, > much like what you've done above. But "MPLS" sounds too much like the title of "Meepuls", that sitcom about zany Bronson Pinchot as a flying space alien from the planet Ork with the ability to wobble without falling down. AND IT WAS A SHOW FOR GROWNUPS BECAUSE IT NEVER ACTUALLY SAID "THIS IS A KIDS' SHOW" DURING THE TITLE SEQUENCE!!! Also, the place I meant was in the northern three-quarters of Minnesota so "North Minn" was technically accurate. And yes, Boston is the only useful part of Massachusetts, which is why if you say "Mass Ave" I know that you mean the only important part of Massachusetts Avenue, the part that goes past the subway stations in the Back Bay. Similarly, I know that if you said "Dot Ave" you'd mean Dorchester Avenue and were not composing a Latin hymn about that cartoon girl where every punchline was that she drew dots on things. PLEASE KILL HER!!!!!! > Also, I think based on your description that the White Castle you liked was > on Central Avenue not too far from 4th street. Despite the fact that I > lived only a mile or two from there for a few years I only ate there on a > couple of occasions. Maybe you need to live in a city that doesn't have > White Castles to truly appreciate them. Maybe my palate wasn't > sophisticated enough at the time to appreciate the Slider in all its glory. > Or maybe, just maybe it was in the wrong direction from campus from where I > lived and there was no need for me to wander down to that part of town. > Yeah, that could be it. White Castles are an acquired taste, just like radium suppositories and Bronson Pinchot. -- K. (Not at the same time, you sickos!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's secret uncovered. Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:17:00 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Hey, here's some news from Boston that I think finally reveals why > Kibo was buying cloth and puppetry supplies for some secret proejct a > while ago: > > -> BOSTON (Wireless Flash) -- A ballsy man in Boston is testing the > -> boundaries of acting -- by making his testicles do the work. > -> > -> The man, who calls himself "Sackie Gleason," runs a website called > -> testicletheater.com, where he puts his testes to the test by dressing > -> them up in costumes and making them act out scenes from "Macbeth, > -> Enter The Dragon" and "Thelma And Louise." > -> > -> Sure, it's nutty but Gleason sincerely believes his "multi-talented > -> testicles" expose the works of Stanley Kubrick, John Cassavettes and > -> Sam Peckinpah to a new audience. > -> > -> That doesn't mean Gleason wants to keep his testicles confined to a > -> film set. His true love is the live stage and he gleefully admits his > -> testes thrive during "live theatrical interpretations on request." Sorry, that's not me, because if I were to do any Shakespeare play with my body parts, it would have to be "Titus Andronicus", although I suspect that the audience wouldn't appreciate me serving them delicious pies afterwards. Of course, I could use the same script for an "American Pie" scene, but that would be lowbrow humor compared to the classy scenes of murder, rape, mutilation, and cannibalism in "Titus Andronicus". Oh, wait, they weren't mentioning "Macbeth", they were talking about some new thing called "Macbeth, Enter The Dragon". I'm not sure what that is but I think it involves Orson Welles as Bruce Lee. -- K. Besides, everyone here knows that I'm busy starring as two of the three members of "Blue Man Group". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Soda Gone Missing Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:23:26 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > So, is Pepsi Blue dead and gone? I haven't seen it in a while, but then > again, I haven't looked too terribly hard. If it's gone, I'm glad. It tasted too much like a mixture of vinyl, Lysol, Barbasol, Bismol (without the Pepto), and last year's jack-o-lantern. The blue one I miss is the concentrated syrup for the Little Hug drinks. You probably know the Little Hug drinks -- watered-down fake Kool-Aid that comes in little plastic hand grenades for ten cents each in the poverty aisle of the supermarket. A couple months ago I saw they were selling the syrup in gallon bottles, and it came in both blue raspberry and red raspberry flavors. It's the same super-acidic, super-dyed syrup that comes out of Slush Puppie machines and I love it (don't ask how little I dilute it. Let's just say I'm no Dr. Bronner.) But when I finished off the first gallon bottle, I couldn't find the stuff again. It had disappeared from that market, and I haven't seen it at any others. Did they manufacture this stuff for only one week as part of the world's least funny practical joke? -- K. And no, I don't care for Za-Rex. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Soda Gone Missing Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003 02:22:54 -0500 DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc wrote: > > Oh. The Doctor Bronner's stuff I use has nothing whatever to do with soap. The soap isn't the reason anyone buys his soap, silly. I see that his peppermint-flavored castile soap now has hemp added to it. It really shouldn't. The labels are trippier than anything made from hemp could ever be. Didja know he was one of Albert Einstein's nephews? That gives him the same genetic predisposition towards genius as Super Dave Osborne! -- K. However, Einstein's other famous relative changed his name to "Albert Brooks" because he was ashamed of being related to that relativity guy. Then he did a voice for the "Hot Wheels" TV cartoon series. (I bet Matt doesn't know that because Albert Brooks didn't play a brown Buick Opel.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Soda Gone Missing Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 02:46:35 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [on the question of how much to dilute concentrated blue syrup] > > > > > > Let's just say I'm no Dr. Bronner. > > > > You know about Doctor Bronner? And the All-One-God Vita-Meata-Vegamin > > Broth with the Eternal Shelf Life?? > > Dilute dilute ok? Who here does NOT know about Dr Bronner? Okay, and those of us who have written a fan letter to the late Dr Bronner and gotten a reply from his secretary saying that she read it to him (he was blind), raise my hand. That's right, I wrote him a letter and he sent me some free labels (the kind from the quart bottles.) Sadly, though, I didn't manage to convince him to add any Kibology to the bottles. DAMMIT, my VCR just started going "beebeeBEEP! beebeeBEEP! beebeeBEEP!" randomly again! The last time this happened was the same morning that the "AYLO!" ice cream truck first showed up and wouldn't leave! Does this mean that Santa is about to land on my roof in a sled that shouts loud nonsense words, and stay parked there until next Thanksgiving? -- K. It's a lot like owning a smoke alarm that can also show you pictures of old TV sitcoms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How did you people forget to make fun of this? Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:29:51 -0500 The guy who "invented" Sea-Monkeys (which are ordinary animals found in the wild) died this week. He had been in both the KKK and the Aryan Nation. So, how come nobody here has posted an analysis of the conspiracy to raise a Master Race Of Tiny Shrimp That Will Gradually Take Over Comic Books? He also invented X-Ray Specs, but I'm not sure what kinky purpose he was intending them for (he wasn't perverted in as obvious a manner as the guy who created Wonder Woman.) The guy's name was Harold Von Braunhut, which is an anagram of "Unborn Tudor Halvah" and "Hobo Van Lard Unhurt". Neither makes sense. "Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys" turns into "Male Mayonnaise Viz Kegs" and "Enslaving Mama Size Yoke". Those don't make sense either. This is because dead Neo-Nazis aren't very good at anagram games. -- K. "Mangey Vice-Like Amazons" might work if you allow "mangy" with the extra "e" for extra eroticness. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go film "Mangey Vice-Like Amazons". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Early Reaction Theatre Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:38:33 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > they blew up Osama with a WW2 grenade. No, it was with a candestick, in the drawing room. Incidentally, was it ever actually illegal to sit in any room of a mansion other than the sitting room? Also, was the drawing room a room in which you were supposed to doodle, or was it a robotic room that had arms that would doodle on you? In either case, right after Osama got the grenade stuffed into his mouth, that's when Al Gore shot Captain Picard with the crossbow and then the Enterprise blew up FOREVER. -- K. Why are we even bothering trying to kill Osama bin Laden when "American Idol" is still on TV? I say everyone who has even SEEN that show should be killed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Early Reaction Theatre Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:36:27 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Incidentally, was it ever actually illegal to sit in any room of a > > mansion other than the sitting room? > > Yeah, but they had to change that law because people were leaving > their living rooms and INSTANTLY DYING, which was generally a bad thing. Instead of forbidding people from walking into the dying room, why didn't they just make it illegal to die? Then nobody would ever die! Just like how nobody ever says curse words at a hockey game even when they're really drunk and sitting behind the only guy wearing a Canadian jersey in any of the good seats. -- K. I still wish that when the two cops dragged him away, I had run over to his seat and thrown myself into it and said "Ooh, the view from over here's a real beauty, eh?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My fish Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:43:26 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My fish knows that the blue tube near his bowl contains his food. Dear Al Eisen, This is the worst "2000 Flushes" commercial ever. > He gets excited if you grab it. > > That sounded very dirty. Does being a total pervert make you feel awkward? Tell us about your childhood. When did you first notice you were turned on by that thing around Kermit's neck? Now look at these ink blots and tell me all the sickest, most disgusting things you can think of. -- K. It's really sad that part of my brain is devoted to remembering the name "Al Eisen". He's like Al Einstein without all the other letters, and his genius wasn't in advanced theoretical physics, it was in pouring dye down the toilet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Howard Menger Story. Parts 7 and 8. Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:57:26 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: The Howard Menger Story. Part 7 and 8. Dec. 22, 2003. > > This talks about potatoes with a high percentage of protein. Watch out, John! You're venturing into Hanna-Maria's territory now that you're onto the whole "Space Potato" conspiracy! Watch out, Hanna-Maria might try to zap you with a ray of purple and green plad neutrons! > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > Subject: Howard Menger - Part 7 > Howard Menger's claimed liaison with the space people - and > there were many more contacts - continued until the late 1950's. A > month after his assumed visit to the Moon, Menger met Carla (Connie) > Baxter, whom he married after divorcing Rose, his wife of 17 years, > in 1958. Connie helped Howard run his sign-painting shop in > Somerville, New Jersey, and also became deeply involved in his less > down-to-earth pursuits. [...] All sign-painters, letterers, and poster artists are from outer space. If they're not, then why do sign-making shops always have the worst signage? > [...] > NEBEL: Did you notice what they wore? > MENGER Sr.: To a certain extent, yes. As far as I could see, they > wore something similar to ski-suits, tight at the wrists and ankles [...] Uh-oh. Modified ski-suits. Now you've tied Archimedes Plutonium into your web of conspiracy. See the old article I've appended after this one. > [...] > In 1957, a large number of dehydrated vegetables, fruits and > nuts were found in Thompson's home at Plukemin, New Jersey, > as well as in open fields near High Bridge, which he says he > was 'drawn to by apparent telepathic means'. The food appeared > to have undergone an odd, 'freezefried' process. A potatoe > (believed to have come from the Moon!) was given to Menger, > who suggested that it should be analysed by a professional > labatory. Samples were taken to LaWall-Harrison Consultants in > Philadelphia. Analysis revealed: > Total weight of sample 5.20 grams > Moisture 7.23% > Ash 4.49% > Fat (ether extract) 0.95% > 'N' as Protein (NX 6.25) 15.12% But the only known human food to contain 4.49% ash is cat food! Perhaps you have Animal 57 on your hands. -- K. I wish I hadn't already picked out next year's Halloween costume, I'd like to be an Animal 57 Space Potato. //////////// re-run begins, which contains another re-run ////////////////// Newsgroups: sci.misc, sci.chem, rec.bicycles.marketplace, alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TREK 7600 Re: Concordia, Canada FLEA MARKET, for sale books, VCRs, CDs, more Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Josh Hesse (00093182@bigred.unl.edu) wrote: > > "Concordia" (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [...Archie's list of garage sale items, which he's been posting > > repeatedly under other people's names...] > > > > Descente USA Olympic ski suit of early 1990s, black with red liner, > > has USA logo on back. Bought it from a Vermont Olympic candidate. > > Have altered it to my taste. > > Uh... Um... How? > > Wait, forget it, I don't want to know. > > -Josh "Sorry I even asked." I think Archie's writings from February 1998 contain vital clues as to where the hole in Archie's rubberized spandex suit is, and the smash hit pop-culture meme that emerged from it: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ re-run /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 05:06:52 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Yesterday, Sunday, Dartmouth experienced something strange with its > Network that discouraged me from posting to Usenet. The lines were down > or something but I could not see my posts anywhere. Mental note: Cut Dartmouth phone lines again. > Today is a national holiday of presidents day. And today while in bed > in my sleeping bag I thought of this new invention. The straight-jacket > has not been improved upon much. But if it were it could offer a > solution to the prison systems of the world via letting the prisoner > back into the general public. Prisoners in the USA cost on average > $100,000 a year to maintain. So this is a huge problem. My solution is to make them all college students, as it only costs about $20,000 a year at good colleges and $1000 a year at community colleges. This could also empty out our mental institutions as we could hire the insane and have them wash dishes or something. But only the prisoners would be forced to eat food that had been touched by the crazy people. > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. It allows them to dance, play basketball, and have a full, active social life, but prohibits choice of religion! > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. Ah, but there's a flaw in your reasoning: Prisoners would just cut off their feet. And it costs over $100,000 just to re-attach ONE foot! > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. > > A similar device would be very good for pet retainers, given more > degrees of freedom. And possibly when modified, even a babysitter > playpen for a toddler. > > New Straight-Jacket, I reserve the 1 full year from today 16 February > 1998 to patent the NEW STRAIGHTJACKET WITH VARIABLE DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Archie, I believe someone's already patented (a) the body cast, (b) the erotic mummification process, and (c) the spanking machine. Just remember, any true scientist always test his invention on himself first. -- K. followups to alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two sheets to the WANGER Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 01:13:47 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > THIS DID NOT WORK > > > > NOW IT DOES > > And that's how we create memes! So much meme this has never been this bad yummy all over your dot-com. > > Try to make a parachute that will carry an egg safely to the ground. > > OK, Kibo, have you regaled the newsgroup with your story about this yet? No, because it wasn't a parachute, it was a flight stabilization and impact absorption system. I took the view that expending the impact's kinetic energy by having the back of the missile spray rice pudding ten feet into the air would keep the egg on target, unlike a parachute which would have landed gently some distance from the target where I had computed a ballistic trajectory. So, my egg vehicle was a re-usable missile, provided it was reloaded with rice pudding after each flight. It was a metal missile (with tail fins attached to a streamer for stabilization) with a lump of plumber's putty to make a deformable nose-cone. The tube was lined with bubble wrap so that the egg could move up and down with friction. Underneath the egg, the tube was filled with the most viscous substance I had on hand, the college's own brand of rice puddding. So, on impact, the putty squashed, the egg pushed down, the pudding squirted up, and the missile was left standing on its nose right at the middle of the target. However, I was docked points because I got the wrong numbers when I calculated the elastic modulus of the plumber's putty by jumping off the bed onto it. (I say to hell with the bad math, my vehicle was experimentally proven!) This is one of those events that every college thinks is unique to them, like the legend about the library slowly sinking under the weight of the books, or the idea that their cafeteria food is worse than everyone else's. I want to start the only college that doesn't think there's anything unique about itself, and is very proud of that. -- K. Okay, now I've told the rice pudding story at least twice, and the watermelon and cottage cheese stories eight times each. But I still refuse to tell about the time I got anthraxed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 23:42:43 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Someone has to get the ball rolling on reporting this year's take. > > For reasons that are still unknown my sister has continued the theme of > buying me Wonder Woman related stuff. And now I regret leaving out the line in the Christmas story where Spot was going to yell "Save me from the gay men, Wonder Woman!" I only remembered I wanted to mention her after I posted the story, which is why I brought her up in regard to the obituary of the guy who invented X-Ray Specs, and again in regard to how your sister obviously thinks you're either gay or a militant feminist, depending on whether it's the version of Wonder Woman that Gloria Steinem boycotted because she didn't have the sexy swimsuit or magic powers. > This year the items were a small garbage can suitable for crumpled up > balls of paper and a decoupage frame. Once I learn what a decoupage > is and acquire one I will be sure to frame it. Then throw it in your Wonder Woman trash can. And then spin the can around until it disappears in a flash of light just like that eyewear model's purse twice an episode. As a kid, whenever I had to go to the optician, there were always pictures of Lynda Carter all over the walls modelling giant Brett Somers goggles, and I always worried that I'd accidentally pick out a pair from the wrong part of the store and wind up with glasses that would explode if I ever turned around too fast. I keep thinking stores should have velvet ropes between the men's and women's and unisex sections to keep absent-minded people like myself from wandering into the wrong section. Although there is something to be said for unisex, at least in terms of uncolored contact lenses. > The other sister bought me a pair of pint beer mugs with the word > "Weihenstephan" on the side with the phrase "€lteste braueri der welt" just > underneath that. And no, I don't want to know what it means just in case > it stands for something really filthy. She also gave me a Sendak themed > T-shirt with cavorting 'Wild Things' that shall surely be a conversation > piece once it's warm enough to wear T-shirts around again. The mug means "World's gayest brewery" and the shirt means "Gay pride" too. Your sister definitely thinks you're even gayer than people think I am! I am so relieved. I'd hug you if I didn't think that would tie up the score. > Last, but surely not least was the bizarre set of things sent me by an old > friend who has a penchant for the avant garde. This year the bizarre > collection once again leaned heavily towards the semi-edible with a bag of > freez-dried astronaut ice cream (neapolitan flavor), a box of "Milk > Chocolate Space Pops" that includes "5 Wild Spacemen" with a green sticker > on the front that proudly proclaims that these pops are "Kosher for > Passover", a peach-flavored "Clicker Licker Pop with whistle", and what is > probably the most edible item of all a bag of glow in the dark stars for > sticking on the ceiling or walls. > > I defy anyone else to do better than this enviable list. I didn't get any of that stuff. I win! -- K. Someday I'm going to invite people over to take away all the stuff I have that I don't need. How did I wind up with so much stuff, given that I'm poor? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:33:25 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I haven't been able to get any Get Out of Hell Free cards in I don't > know how long. I could have used one today. After fighting with > Kaiser over my eyeglass prescription for the third time, At last I understand World War I: The Kaiser made someone's glasses in an hour and fifty-nine minutes, causing a big fight over the definition of "about an hour"! > I decided to stop at a restaurant and get something to eat, figuring > that might help my killer headache. You know what usually helps my headaches? Hitting my head on a car door. Or jail cell door. Or anything else hard enough to make the headache say "YAY! THAT HELPED ME HURT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!" Maybe you should stop trying to help your headache and try to get rid of it. You could try giving it to the Kaiser instead, or at least to the Tsar. > They sat us next to the people who can be heard across the world > (both speaking and chewing, o gross) and too close to the screaming > child who could be heard but not seen. I asked to move and the > child appeared. At our table. It took her mother a full five minutes > to find her. "But mommy, the big people got laptop computers with alt.religion.kibology!" (I'm typing this on the subway, and I guarantee you that by the end of this article I'm going to have to explain it to someone who'll have started reading it over my shoulder, especially if they're a screaming child.) > I don't understand why people let their children wander off where they > can't see them and don't even bother to follow. Wait a minute, > considering this child's whining pitch and lack of discipline, > I can see it in this case. Mom was probably hoping someone would > steal her or she would get lost or wander out in the street or > something. It's for kids like this that Willy Wonka built that nice torture factory. > Anyway, we could still hear the chewing and talking people from around > the corner, too. The waitress brought us no bread, the wrong food and > no drink refills and pretty much ignored us. Maybe you should stop going to Chuck E. Cheese. > About the time I was ready to explode, the food came. She also > forgot the girls' sundaes. Since they can read the kids menu where > it says their lunch comes with a sundae, this was a Very Bad Thing. No tip for that waitress, assuming the word "waitress" is even properly defined when it applies to someone who didn't bring you your food. Here's something I've learned: If you have your head shaved like a checkerboard, people don't really mind if you don't tip them and they're still really careful not to piss you off. > Screaming girl is still out there somewhere as are chomping people, > who also have horrible grammar, by the way, which wouldn't grate on > my nerves so much if it weren't so loud and I didn't have a splitting > headache and want them to keep their conversation to themselves, > or at least the western hemisphere. I've always thought it's silly that people divide the world into Eastern and Western hemispheres. It's more logical to divide the world into the Surface and Inside hemispheres. All the bad kids should be kept about three miles down where nobody can hear them except trolls, orcs, kobolds, and the stuff that turns into Quorn. > I finally got out of there and went through the drive through drug > store to get some excedrin. They only do prescriptions at the drive > through and I will have to go in to get anything non-prescription, > the chyk tells me. I fight down the urge to literally drive through > and go in and get some drugs. Then I have to make it home with kids > in the car before the drugs kick in. I still can't get out of this hell. > I am currently wondering why I told my dad I would pick him up at the > airport late tonight and why I didn't drive through AND grab some > prescription pain killers on my way through at the drug store. AIEEEEE! Yeah, but at least you didn't wang your head on a jail cell door. I didn't either, but telling you the truth would be too much for you to bear. -- K. I can give people headaches without even telling them the truth! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 05:55:16 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Dremel tools have so many functions. I know a guy who recently used one > > to remove his tattooed wedding ring when he got engaged to someone he had > > known for nine days and they married shortly thereafter and for some > > reason she ended up cheating on him. > > [...] > I know of one guy who burned the the tatoos off his arms with > a lit cigarette. Okay, that settles it, I'm never going to get the whites of my eyes tattooed until someone comes up with a way to grind them off my eyes without it hurting at all. Also, you guys are writing the worst "Lexx" episode ever. Can't you just skip the Dremel-fetish part and go right to the part for the people who have a fetish for sex? -- K. Someday I'm going to have to learn to sleep on my back so I can get my septum pierced, because I want to have a place where I'll never forget where I put my keys. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:43:03 -0500 "dogsnus" (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, you guys are writing the worst "Lexx" episode ever. Can't you > > just skip the Dremel-fetish part and go right to the part for the > > people who have a fetish for sex? > > Well, sure. > Always happy to comply. > But I don't know what disgusting food item to write into > the episode. You're in charge of that department, you know. Three-year-old Oreos with Canadian hockey teams' logos stamped into them, purchased on eBay (the worst possible place to buy fresh food.) > You pick the food, and we'll write about a sex fetish involving pierced > septums used as keyholders. That's not a fetish, that's a convenience. (Fetishes aren't a perverted right, they're a convenient privilege! Hey, Shaggy, the monster was mean Mr. Winkle all along -- he was just taking advantage of a convenient local fetish!) > It will be a real group effort. So would starting a new syphilis epidemic by the end of 2003. -- K. If you want to do it in the style of "Scooby-Doo", the special guest star should be someone dead, like The Three Stooges or Phyllis Diller. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Undertsanding Kibology Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003 02:27:31 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Oh, for heaven's sake, either shit or get off the barcalounger! That reminds me, I still need to figure out who to give this inflatable Jar Jar-shaped chair to. It's been sitting in a box under a big pile of stuff since whenever that year was when it would have been cool to buy a Jar Jar chair even as a sarcastic purchase. -- K. I keep meaning to take it to the middle of the park and fill it with concrete so nobody can get rid of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Undertsanding Kibology Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 01:57:24 -0500 Xydexx The Silly Squeaky Pony (xydexx@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, I still need to figure out who to give this inflatable > > Jar Jar-shaped chair to. > > I could probably do something entertaining and blasphemous with that. I don't think you could do anything blasphemous with Jar Jar, except to say that he was the best part of those movies. I should add that the box says Jar Jar is "portable, durable, and stable" (all lies, I would assume) as well as "Jar Jar is a very kind, helpful, but rather clumsy individual." (You know, like Andy Dick.) The photo on the box shows a little girl sitting cross-legged in Jar Jar's lap while she holds a PlayStation controller. However, I just noticed that the cord from the game controller ends somewhere inside her crotch, or worse, inside Jar Jar's! Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeee! And if I flip the box over, on the other side it's exactly the same, except now the little girl has disappeared! Did she get sucked inside the Jar Jar Chair like it was a giant, perverted Venus flytrap? Or worse, a Gungan flytrap? Jar Jar is for ages 3 to 14 and holds 176 pounds. I don't know how they determined these limits. Presumably they forced a bunch of kids to sit on Jar Jar, and the 2-year-old cried, and so did the 15-year-old, and then a 176-pound toddler popped Jar Jar. Anyway, Xydexx, if you really do want it even after I've warned you that even looking at the box will ruin your sex life forever, I can mail it to you. However, large print on the bottom of the box says "WARNING: USE ONLY UNDER COMPETENT SUPERVISION", so you'll have to set up a Webcam so we can keep an eye on you to make sure any perversions you perform with it are done the right way. Otherwise I suppose I could sell this rare, unopened, unmolested boxed Jar Jar chair on eBay if they accept items this valuable, or I could just take it along to tomorrow's hockey game at the Fleet Center. So let me know if you want it before I go throw it at Joe Thornton, who looks like a slightly less clumsy Andy Dick. -- K. "Caution: See product for additional warnings." Apparently one must buy the chair, take it out of its box, blow it up, and then read its fine print to find out that putting your lips on its inflation valve will poison you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Undertsanding Kibology Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:07:22 -0500 Xydexx The Silly Squeaky Pony (xydexx@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should add that the box says Jar Jar is "portable, durable, and stable" > > (all lies, I would assume) as well as "Jar Jar is a very kind, helpful, > > but rather clumsy individual." (You know, like Andy Dick.) > > If I were you, I would subject it [the chair, not Andy Dick] to > rigorous scientific tests to ensure its portability, durability, and > psychological well-being. The last thing you need is a > slightly-unhinged inflatable Jar Jar chair going on a rampage. Well, I did compare its bodily dimensions with mine to determine that if I sat cross-legged, I could wear it as a Halloween costume, provided I either just sit still forever (while suffocating) or fall down an "up" escalator forever in the longest episode of MTV's "Jar Jar Jackass". I did see Andy Dick going on a rampage today. No, wait, that was Joe Thornton. Blades (the Bruins' mascot, a guy in a teddy bear costume) waved at me, but I won't mention him here because he wasn't inflatable, although there was something kinky about him saying hello to me even though the other 17,999 people in the Fleet Center were wearing the same jersey he was and mine had a picture of Parliament on the sleeve. Then Blades vanished for the entire duration of the game, possibly because he was afraid I'd sic my close personal friend Spartacat on him. > > Anyway, Xydexx, if you really do want it even after I've warned you > > that even looking at the box will ruin your sex life forever, I can > > mail it to you. > > It's just a suggestion, if you're having trouble finding it a home. I > have my own menagerie to maintain, at any rate. Some folks claim I > even had an 18' inflatable reindeer from Tyson's Corner Mall at one > time, but I don't believe them, and you shouldn't either, no matter > how many pictures they show you. -:) Okay, I'll disregard everything I think I saw in the police sketches of your Web site. (They reminded me of the Children's Apperception Test* cards, except all the animals taking showers were even shinier.) * That joke was just for psychiatrists. Just as my "The Special Show!" is intended only for mental patients, I've tried to create a similar entertainment program just for psychiatrists, but "Crazy Peoples Is The Craziest People!" was rejected by all the imaginary television networks that air "The Special Show!", so I gave up. Anyway, I'll send you the box if you promise that next time I'm in the Washington, D.C. area we can go to the Tyson's Corner Mall and re-enact "Minority Report" with me as Tom Cruise, you as that guy who wasn't Tom Cruise, and the inflatable Jar Jar as that creepy telepath who got flushed down the giant toilet. > > However, large print on the bottom of the box says > > "WARNING: USE ONLY UNDER COMPETENT SUPERVISION", so you'll have to > > set up a Webcam so we can keep an eye on you to make sure any > > perversions you perform with it are done the right way. > > Well, I do have a webcam, but doesn't get much use as rumors of my > being an exhibitionist are greatly exaggerated. I was actually > thinking something a bit more geared toward a niche market, like a > combination of the Inflatable Animal Fetish Page and Furniture Porn. > Because everyone knows there just aren't enough weird fetish pages on > the internet, and I'm obligated to do something to remedy that. I thought about getting a webcam, but the best economic model I could come up with to justify spending such a huge amount of money ($79) was something like "I could film myself eating library paste, and people would have to pay me to turn the camera off!" Then I realized that I could never compete with the business wizards who decided to sell Inflatable Jar Jar Chair to idiots like me. -- K. Also, I can't get any library paste -- every time I ask to buy a jar of it, the librarians say "Buzz off, Don!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: POOR PUPPY!! x2 Date: Sat, 27 Dec 2003 02:33:42 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > BEAGLE HAS GONE SPLAT! > > WAAAAAAH, POOR SPOT! > > === > > No bark from Beagle on Mars > > December 26, 2003 - 6:05PM > > Hope began to fade today that the European space probe Beagle 2 had > landed safely on Mars after the British-built craft failed for a second > time to make contact with Earth and confirm its arrival. > > Scientists had hoped that the Lovell radio telescope at Jodrell Bank in > west England would pick up a signal between 2200 GMT on Thursday and > 0030 GMT on Friday 0900 AEDT and 1130 AEDT) to tell them the missing > spacecraft had arrived safely on the Red Planet. > > But the Beagle 2, which had already failed to signal its arrival to > NASA's Mars Odyssey orbiter earlier yesterday, once again remained > silent and the fate of the probe remains unknown. That doesn't mean it went splat. Maybe it went off course because of the weight of a really creepy pedophile stowaway on board and landed on the wrong planet where guys in wetsuits with crud glued all over will keep chasing Bill Mumy and his own personal pedophile around while the bubble-headed Robot throws bitchy spaz fits. -- K. I am referring, of course, to the time Spot was in Charles Nelson Reilly's bathyscaphe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SPACE SEX IS FORBIDDEN. Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003 02:35:58 -0500 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Fake NASA papers aside, I always figured it went about like this: > > Chance that somebody has already had straight sex in space: 5% Well, it's 100% if you count all free-fall (i.e. that porn video shot aboard the Vomit Comet.) > Chance that somebody has already had gay sex in space: 75% Matt, HAL 9000 was _fictional_. > Chance that somebody has already had unaccompanied sex in space: 99.99% Matt, Wesley's holodeck was _fictional_. -- K. Also it was not safe sex because it kept trying to kill everyone for no reason. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2003 05:32:34 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > > Unfortunately for my brothers, our neighbors were more into revenge > than money or slavery. THAT was the sentence I forgot to include in this Christmas's Spot story! Paula, next year, can you write me an inspirational sentence about a week sooner? I probably won't pick a topic for next year's story until about December 24, so just try to make it a truly zany yet thought- provoking sentence about no particular subject. Also post it here but don't let anyone else see it, so that they'll all think I thought of it all by myself. THANKS IN ADVANCE AS LONG AS YOU DON'T WAIT UNTIL AFTER YOU DO IT TO READ THIS ARTICLE WHICH WOULD MAKE THESE THANKS TOO LATE AND THEN THEY'D BE RUINED AND YOU'D GET RUINED THANKS WHICH AREN'T VERY GOOD! -- K. Poor Spot! Ever since Einstein had invented that time machine, he'd stopped being polite to Spot, explaining that he had already given Spot all his thanks a million years ago! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:26:51 -0500 [on Paula's personal trainer, who is a woman who looks exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger except with a boob job] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > > What do you expect when one of those free sex Europeans comes to proud > of their plastic enhancements California? Paula, when I asked you to write me some good sentence, I didn't mean you had to balance them out with ones that require me to diagram them in the shape of a subway map from Nine-Dimensional Manhattan. > I was pretty amused, but I can't say I was totally shocked. This is > a place where only women work out, so at least she wasn't flashing > a bunch of men with her boobies. She was also asking all of us how > we could stand pregnancy when having the skin stretched to accomodate > bigger boobies was so painful and itchy and stuff. Just tell her it's like having a breast implant put in her belly for only nine months. Then it comes out and from that point on your life is completely back to what it used to be, unencumbered in any way. And if she's stupid enough to buy that, yell "Ha! You ARE Arnold Schwarzenegger! Only with boobs where your muscles should be, you wimp!" and run away before she can crush you with her earlobe muscles. > I told her that it didn't feel good to have all the tummy skin stretched, > but since you have so many more painful things going on during pregnancy, > you didn't notice that all that much. Like, if you can get your septum pierced while you're pregnant, especially if you can figure out a way to make it take nine months to get the needle all the way through, that's a GREAT distraction! > And then she put her boobies away and I went on to a very pleasant workout. Did she return them to their special container between uses? Or is that only required for the more expensive version of Silly Putty? -- K. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go watch myself accidentally being on TV because I was sitting too close to a disturbingly excited woman holding up a sign saying something about murdering the team I was rooting for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 05:04:01 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula, when I asked you to write me some good sentence[s], I didn't mean > > you had to balance them out with ones that require me to diagram them > > in the shape of a subway map from Nine-Dimensional Manhattan. > > Sometimes you gotta work for what you want out of life, Kibo my dear. > Considering that you were the cause of my one and only trip to a > Jollibee's, you are lucky I don't do much worse to you. Mistress Paula, I've been naughty and I must be disciplined. I'll bring you the Ping-Pong paddle and the thumbscrews and the stapler and the gummi worms while you order the durian shake from Jollibee. > [...] > > I keep wanting to ask her if she has ever taken steroids. I have > never seen muscles like this on a woman. Okay, I'll bring another Ping-Pong paddle for her. > Her biceps are bigger than most men I know in person (though the real > Ahnold could probably take her in a wrestling match) and she even has > a six-pack stomach. I am not talking model flat, I am talking > Mr. Universe six-pack. Hey, you can see my abs too, but only because I'm really skinny. Although of course you have to have X-ray vision because of my manly body hair which is thicker than Robin Williams's is, darker than Sean Connery's was, and more rugged than Gimli's would be if he weren't some guy Peter Jackson made up. > I haven't asked her about steroids because that seems kind of personal, > but then, how protective of her privacy can she be when she shows everyone > her new boobies? It probably isn't courtesy that holds me back. It > is fear. She probably could crush me with her earlobe muscles, > actually. I just won a contest that gives me some personal training > sessions. If, when you show up, she's holding a Ping-Pong paddle with her earlobe, run away! If she hasn't stapled your feet to the floor already... > (I actually worked out during the holidays because I go when > my kids swim instead of just when I have nothing better to do, like > most people. Well, actually, I don't have anything better to do, > either, but I don't like to think of it that way.) I should beable to > get to know her better. Perhaps I will ask her for a picture of her > boobies for my imaginary friends if I can't work up to something as > personal as asking if she has ever used steroids to get that ripped > look. Have you considered putting it in the form of a question of nutritional advice for yourself? For instance, one tactful way to ask would be, "Ms. Schwarzenegger, sir, I've been trying to bulk up by taking steroids, but they're not working. What brand do you use?" > > Now if you'll excuse me I have to > > go watch myself accidentally being > > on TV because I was sitting too > > close to a disturbingly excited > > woman holding up a sign saying > > something about murdering the > > team I was rooting for. > > Well, I guess if you don't have Ahnold for a governor, you have to > find something to put on the news for entertainment value. Turns out NESN (New England Sports Network, the channel that shows the Bruins and other filler) doesn't air the same crowd shots that they show on the overhead screen at the Fleet Center (unlike TSN in Canada which is just fed through to the screen at the Corel Centre, because apparently the Fleet Center likes to do its own videography) so I didn't get to see how terrible my new haircut looks from above on regional TV. It sure looked bad on that big matrix of grimy light bulbs that passes for a TV screen at the Fleet Center, though. Also, we do have a Schwarzenegger here -- his name is Ted Kennedy. He may not be in charge of the state, but he sure knows how to fill up a TV screen with his big fat head. Ted Kennedy is like Jesse Ventura without all those firm opinions. -- K. Major politicians I've been within touching distance of without actually touching them because politicians are icky: John Kerry (said hello to me because he thought I was looking at him when I just was walking through the lobby to get the new bus schedules) Ted Kennedy (rode on the subway with him) Edward Kennedy Jr. (walked past him and his retinue on the street) Mike Dukakis (saw him standing next to Rhea Pearlman at "Cheers" and years later got a suspicious look from him at a cocktail reception) Apparently no Republicans or Naderites can stand to even walk past me on the street. However, I did walk around inside Michael Moore's production office once, if you count him as a Nader weenie and not a Democratic weenie. Oh, and I once saw the guy who played Max Headroom, but he wasn't a politician, no matter how great that would have been. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Meeting Politicians (was Re: I shot an arrow in to the air...) Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:49:07 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I've met only two major politicians [...] > > My favorite politician story (which is kind of embarassing) was when a nice > looking middle-aged man flanked by two men in black suits, sunglasses, and > earpieces came into Paris, the coffee shop I hung out at in my late teens > and early twenties. I quickly recognized him as Governor Roy Romer. There > was a democratic rally of some sort going on in Old Town, Fort Collins, and > he must have needed a drink or wanted to speak with his constituents. Keep > in mind, this is the coffee shop where all the "bad" kids went, where many > an illicit deal was made, where many an illicit substance was consumed, and > where the world's worst poetry was recited. It's also where I was > eventually employed (though, to be fair, that was after the location had > moved and cleaned up its image a bit). > > At any rate, he got his coffee, and came straight to the table that my > friends and I were hanging out at. Before he arrived, we giggled at the > goofiness of a representative of "The Man" Inc. coming into our little den > of sin to hang out. He reached our table, introduced himself, shook hands, > asked how we were all doing, etc... a nice guy. > > Then he said, "So, what kind of place is this?" > > To which I, stupid little smart-ass that I was, responded, "Just the local > collective of freaks, weirdos, and criminals." > > Immediately, black suit #1 (still to his side) said, "Sir, we need you > outside NOW." Romer's Men In Black weren't doing their job very well if they weren't aware that this could have been an obvious trap -- set up a fake coffee shop full of very slightly "bad" kids (you know, like when Greg Brady decided he was a hippie for one episode) just to trick politicians into hearing the phrase "Sir, we need you outside NOW," which will lead them into the parking lot where the really dangerous people are -- senior citizens who are pissed off that they tried to go to the supermarket at 7:00:01am and it wasn't open yet even though the sign says it opens at 7 not followed by no colon oh oh colon oh one dagnabbit! They'd give him a stern talking-to until he cried, then they'd demand to speak to his manager. -- K. I used to wear a lot of black. That was back before I realized it made me look cool, so now I've stopped doing it in public. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:47:59 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > Sometimes you gotta work for what you want out of life, Kibo my dear. > > > Considering that you were the cause of my one and only trip to a > > > Jollibee's, you are lucky I don't do much worse to you. > > > > Mistress Paula, I've been naughty and I must be disciplined. I'll bring > > you the Ping-Pong paddle and the thumbscrews and the stapler and the > > gummi worms while you order the durian shake from Jollibee. > > No! You must bring me... a shrubbery! You're harshing my buzz. If you tie men down and quote Monty Python at them, you're the WORLD'S WORST DOMINATRIX. And I'm going to buy you a T-shirt that says that. > Paula > But not one of the shrubberies that tries to kill me Your kink is not okay, or even comprehensible. -- K. (bad at cybersex) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 01:03:36 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > Unfortunately for my brothers, our neighbors were more into revenge > > > than money or slavery. > > > > THAT was the sentence I forgot to include in this Christmas's Spot story! > > > > Paula, next year, can you write me an inspirational sentence about a > > week sooner? > > [...] > I also got my first glimpse of fake boobies. Poor Spot! Paula pointed at his fake boobies and laughed! "Waah!" cried Spot, "My plastic surgeon's an incompetent pervert!" He said it a few more times so that he could try emphasizing the word "pervert" some of the time and "incompetent" some of the time but that didn't make Paula stop laughing at him and his giant Styrofoam-based breasts. Spot tried to pull off his fake boobies, but they were stapled on really good. He pulled harder and harder and twisted and strained, but all that happened was that his butt fell off! "My butt! My beautiful butt! Come back, butt!" screamed Spot as his butt fell through the sewer grate and was washed out to sea where nobody would ever see it again, except for fish. Spot needed a new butt, and fast! Especially because he wanted to sit down! He ran into the local shopping mall to find another cheap plastic surgeon. He checked the mall's directory, this time skipping all the names that had "(pervert)" or "(incompetent)" after them, and settled on Dr. Werner Von Weiner. "I'm sorry, Spot," said Dr. Von Weiner, "I can't give you a new butt for just five dollars. However, I can give you a butt crack." Spot counted out five dollars in nickels, and the doctor rendered him unconscious with one hand while beginning to operate with the other. When Spot woke up, he had a butt crack! He trotted over to one of the fun-house mirrors in the plastic surgeon's waiting room and screamed. "Hey! You put my butt crack on my face!" It was running diagonally across Spot's face like a scar that looked like a butt crack! Dr. Von Weiner held up his scalpel. "I can't move the butt crack, Spot, that can only be done for the first five minutes after implantation, and I kept you unconscious for nine hours just to make sure you weren't a reporter with camera with an eight-hour videotape hidden under you fur. But tell you what, I can extend your butt crack to where it's supposed to be." He worked on Spot for a while. Spot's butt crack curved around his body over and over and eventually reached where his butt had used to be. Now he looked like a spiral-sliced ham! "Waah!" cried Spot, "I look like what should be technically called a helically-sliced ham if ham vendors understood the correct definitions of the words 'spiral' and 'helix'!" Spot cried and cried while he continued to chew the bone he'd had in his mouth all this time. "Hey, let me examine that bone," said Dr. Von Weiner as he pulled it out of Spot's mouth. But it had been holding all of Spot's slices together, so he collapsed to the floor in a jumbled pile of dog ham! "Waah!" cried Spot, then Jon Stewart ate him, because unlike regular ham, dog ham is kosher! It was the happiest Hanukkah ever, except for Spot! The End. -- K. Okay, now, Paula, please do that at least once a week until people beg me to stop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:31:20 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, now, Paula, please do that at least once a > > week until people beg me to stop. > > By next week I will be back at work and I probably won't have time or > creativity to do that. Why, do you work in Kolak's Activated Absorbotron factory? Did you just see Danny Thomas walking off with your thumbs? Is Mary Tyler Moore body- surfing a giant wave of walnuts with a mysterious stain on her sweater? > I appreciate your efforts in the meantime, though. "Waah," cried Spot, "everyone else is in happytime but I'm trapped in meantime!" Then time hit him with a cream pie filled with Jarts. The End. -- K. Does anyone remember Jarts, or has anyone who ever had them had their memory wiped clean by mysterious puncture wounds to the back of their head? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:46:35 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone remember Jarts, or has anyone who ever had > > them had their memory wiped clean by mysterious puncture > > wounds to the back of their head? > > I would pay real money for a set of Jarts. There are too many things in > my life screaming out for Jart holes. Faceless aliens, for instance. Dear Harlan Ellison, "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream For A Jart Hole" was the worst S&M fan story you ever posted to this "Star Trek" bulletin board. Please write more of your trademark stories about Spock getting pregnant and Wil Wheaton building a real U.S.S. Enterprise and showing you how all the controls work for the next fifty chapters. adTHANKSvance muVERYch. Sincerely, Your pal, Me. -- K. Poor Spot! He has no mouth and must eat dog food! EWW INTRAVENOUS ALPO! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 01:19:19 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > Too much excitement to go to the bathroom followed by hysterical > laughter gives you nothing but trouble, I tell you. Poor Spot! He ruined "The Red Green Show" for everyone else in the studio audience, first with his completely inappropriate hysterical laughter, followed by his massive yet obvious bowel movement! PBS and the other Canadian TV channels grossed out hundreds of viewers and went out of business after nobody sent in any money during the all-"Red Green" pledge drive marathon! "The Red Green Show" was cancelled and was replaced by some weird German-hyphen-Canadian co-production of a soft-core porn show in outer space, called "Lexx". Spot suddenly found himself strapped to a table being menaced by dozens of robotic Dremel Multi-Tools! He tried to scream but before he could do that, they cut away to a shower scene, where Spot was wet, naked, and in soft-focus as generic porn movie music played. Spot shivered at the thought that almost as many people as loved "The Red Green Show" were now watching him. Then "Lexx" got cancelled, so Spot wound up on the new "Battlestar Galactica", where he spent the rest of his life until he was bored to death. Edward James Olmos stumbled drunkenly across Spot's grave while mumbling the phrase "SO SAY WE ALL!" over and over and over until the entire audience also died of boredom. They all went to Hell for having attempted to watch the new "Battlestar Galactica", but it wasn't so bad for them because they could spend all eternity watching Spot being tortured. "Waah!" cried Spot, "I'd rather go back to the place with the Dremel Multi-Tools!" as the Devil forced Spot to watch "The Red Green Show" without the parts Spot had found hysterically funny. The End. > Anna came downstairs to talk to me and quietly told me that Mimi > had peed her pants and wanted my help but didn't want anyone else > to know. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone who doesn't use the Internet. > So I helped her change while her dad and grandpa remained clueless > and Anna gained new stature in my eyes as a very caring sister. > My brothers would have told the houseguests and everyone in the > neighborhood had I had such an accident. I wish I had had them as > siblings instead of the brothers I was stuck with. > > I am in a funk again. (So what else is new?) and I am thinking about > running away to Nova Scotia for food and fun and no worries. But now > I wonder if it would be safe or if I would have to bring too many > extra jammies to make it worth the trip. Be careful. They filmed "Lexx" in Halifax. Except for the gay scenes, I think they went to Toronto to make it easier to do the gay stuff. I hear there's one episode where Tie Domi and Kai have a Tie-on-Kai scene. -- K. Paula, please write some more sentences. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 01:25:58 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc) wrote: > > MY brother once stabbed right through my index finger with a FORK as > we sat on the back lawn pretending to garden. I was leaning on one > arm, my hand splayed out in the spring grass when suddenly... WHAMMO! I think the actual onomatopoeia would be more like "SPORK!" than "WHAMMO!", although "KER-STAB!" also works because you can turn anything into the sound it makes by adding "KER-". Anyway, sorry to hear that as a child, you got forked by your brother. (KER-ZING!) > The kid always hated me--- it was his way of getting revenge for the > time I hid in his closet and sprang out screeching when he was almost > asleep, causing him to pee his pajamas. Bwahahahaha! That one still > cracks me up. I'll reserve judgement until you tell us which of the two of you was wearing your brother's pajamas. -- K. "I once saw an elephant pee in my pajamas..." -- Alan Alda ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:17:59 -0500 "kerri" (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > you can turn anything into the sound it makes by adding "KER-". > > Ahh, now Kibo has exposed my SEKRIT MOONLIGHTING CAREER! > > --the sound of Rhode Island I was going to say something about what would happen if Aristophanes had worked for Sanrio when they created Kerokeroppi, but then I got distracted by imagining the beautiful sound of Rhode Island being dropped from the Moon onto Iowa, which would then explode, blowing the other 48 states into orbit, where they'd each fall on a different country, leading to strange state/country hybrids such as "Canadalabama" and "Anti-West Virginiarctica" and "Mexico, Now With New Mexico!" (Antarctica IS a country, according to the CIA World Factbook.) Speaking of Antarctica, is anyone else sick of seeing big Styrofoam penguins decorating Santa's area of the shopping mall every year? I say we should hunt down everyone who has ever placed a penguin in a North Pole scene and tie them down and force them to watch "Tennessee Tuxedo" cartoons until a substance resembling figgy pudding comes out their ears and their lifeless bodies make the sound "KER-DEAD!" -- K. with special help from the letters -- E. and -- R. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Drop that Farmer's Almanac, you Osama-lover! Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 01:31:54 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [Associated Press] > -> > -> FBI Issues Alert Against Almanac Carriers > -> > -> WASHINGTON - The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people > -> carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering > -> everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for > -> terrorist planning. > -> In a bulletin sent Christmas Eve to about 18,000 police organizations, > -> the FBI said terrorists may use almanacs "to assist with target > -> selection and pre-operational planning." > > Oh no, I'm doooOOOmed! About 20 years ago, I wrote an op-ed piece for my > newspaper extolling the virtues of-- > THE FARMER'S ALMANAC! Wait, it has virtues? Other than being the best way to find out what some idiots think the weather will be like at 3:54 p.m. six months from now? > That's right, _I'm_ the one who may be partly responsible for Al Qaeda > and Hamas, and maybe Saddam himself, having first-hand knowledge of the > black-fly forecast for northern Maine this year. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Forgive me! It's okay, we'll forgive you even if all of Maine gets blown up and falls into the ocean and is assimilated into Canada. In fact, we'd _especially_ forgive you if you gave Maine to the terrorists. Especially all the tourist traps like Boothbay Harbor and Camden and the Desert Of Maine and... oh, those are the only things in the state. Those and the liquor stores along the border to encourage people to drive drunk as they enter other, less pathetic states. > Sean ("Only a matter of time before they learn about Zeke Sawyer and his > amazing five-legged cow") Lasnayemere Just let's hope they never find out the secret of the woolly-beah catapillah. -- K. It's nature's version of the color-coded terror alert system, only squishier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Drop that Farmer's Almanac, you Osama-lover! Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 04:11:35 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > -> FBI Issues Alert Against Almanac Carriers > -> > -> WASHINGTON - The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people > -> carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering > -> everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for > -> terrorist planning. Something I meant to say in regards to this but forgot to include in my previous article: You know, it's a good thing for those of us who carry portable computers around all day that there's no way you could fit an almanac inside a computer. Oh, wait, you say there is a widely-distributed public-domain Almanac And World Factbook with all sorts of geopolitical information I can keep on my laptop for free? Well, it's probably okay, as long as it's not full of sensitive information or anything. I'm sure the CIA would have stopped whoever published the book if it were a useful almanac. Oh, wait again, you say it was PUBLISHED by the CIA? The AMERICAN CIA? ************************************************** * * * http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook * * * ************************************************** UH OH IF YOU JUST LOOKED AT THAT WEB PAGE FROM YOUR PORTABLE COMPUTER, IT DOWNLOADED A COPY OF THE CIA'S SECRET ALMANAC ONTO YOUR COMPUTER AND NOW YOU'RE A TERRORIST CARRYING AROUND AN OFFICIAL U.S. GOVERNMENT ALMANAC AND THE CIA WILL GET YOU, YOU FILTHY TERRORIST NERD! They'll get you if they're not too busy publishing more helpful guides to which countries are the answers to which trivia questions. For instance, look at this sensitive information in the CIA's almanac: => [United States] Flag description: => => thirteen equal horizontal stripes of red (top and bottom) alternating => with white; there is a blue rectangle in the upper hoist-side corner => bearing 50 small, white, five-pointed stars arranged in nine offset => horizontal rows of six stars (top and bottom) alternating with rows of => five stars; the 50 stars represent the 50 states, the 13 stripes => represent the 13 original colonies; The fifty stars are small, not large! Now the terrorists know how to make a counterfeit flag to set up an evil Fake United States Of Fake America! And they also know how many colonies there were in 1776 in case they ever steal a time machine so they can go back in time when it would only have taken 13 nuclear bombs instead of 50 to obliterate all the state capitals! And the almanac information on our politics too: => Capital: => => Washington, DC => => [...] => => Political pressure groups and leaders: => => NA They really shouldn't be admitting to the terrorists that the only group that can lobby our government are these Na people! Sure, they may represent the sodium industry, but that doesn't mean that Na could stand up to all the terrorists in the world converging on them once they discover that they can get the CIA World Factbook for free! Our only hope is that they never see one of those commercials where the guy dressed as The Riddler only with backwards question marks to avoid a lawsuit runs around screaming about how we can get information from our own government "FOR FREEEEEE!!!!!" This is yet another reason that guy should be liquidated! Otherwise, the terrorists will win -- FOR FREEEEEEE!!!!! (I've always wondered whether they published the book to try to convince everyone that the CIA is helpful and friendly, or whether they just wanted to publish an alamanac that doesn't have anyone else's distortions of the political structures of all those countries.) -- K. P.S. If you guys are going to start watching me because of this article, your best vantage point would be from the roof of the convent across the street, provided you look good dressed as nuns. Please send your sexiest agents. Does Gillian Anderson work for you? I bet she does because I once asked the FBI if she actually worked for them and they said she didn't work for the FBI so now I know her secret but I won't tell anyone she works for you as long as she looks good as a nun and stays where I can watch her watching me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 02:16:44 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Everyone's heard of a college professor who challenges students to prove > that the chair exists. I haven't. However, I just spent the last twenty minutes telling alt.religion.kibology all about my MINT IN BOX INFLATABLE JAR JAR CHAIR when I should have been doing my laundry, but now I'm depressed because you just made me realize that I can't prove it exists because I've never opened the box and thus it could be something else that feels like a big wad of vinyl, like a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. > I'm waiting for one of these stories to end with a student smashing the chair > over the teacher's head and saying 'REAL ENOUGH FOR YA'?' But then wouldn't he just die and then yell "Oh yeah, but can you PROVE you just killed me?" and then he'd give you a quarter and say "Call your mother and tell her you will never be a philosopher." In a callback to another article I wrote tonight, the actress who played replacement love-slave chick on "Lexx" (Xev as opposed to Zev) has degrees in philosophy AND Latin. Oh, baby! She could pick me up and twirl me over her head any day, even if the dead guy and the robot head watch. (But I draw the line at having the Canadian guy watch.) However, the original Zev actress seems to have only had a degree in Not Acting. > P.S. Idea not for stealing: Hollywood style break-apart chairs. And > drinks that come in specially-made glass containers that you can safely > smash over someone's head. Have you seen "Pom Wonderful"? It's a new pomegranate juice beverage they're marketing here in Boston through ads on the subway (I don't know if it's a national thing or just being regionally test-marketed.) It tastes really gross (not delicious like a real pomegranate) and it comes in a very heavy little glass bottle shaped like something from "Lexx", except more testicular. Apparently there was a surplus of pomegranate juice they couldn't even feed to zoo animals, so they said, "Hey, I bet people would drink anything if it was in a weirdly- sculpted bottle! That's why people drink hair gel all the time!" Anyway, if they have Pom Wonderful in your market, please don't even try to drink it. Just buy yourself an actual pomegranate and eat it, unless you believe in mythology in which case you'll go to Hell over and over if you eat part of one. -- K. Scary idea which I wouldn't be surprised if someone has already used it in Internet slash-fiction: Inflatable Jar Jar meets the cast of "Lexx". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:44:20 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (not delicious like a real pomegranate) > > > > Indeed pomegranate is delicious. > > I actually own a pomegranate tree. Dear Paula "Pluto" Tobler, I knew you lived close to L.A., but I didn't think you actually lived in Hell itself. Could you please check that Phil Hartman didn't accidentally get sent there when he died? If so, I'll eat one of your pomegranates if you let him out. Thank you very much. > There were always tons of pomegranates on it around Thanksgiving time > and my ex FIL loved to put the seeds into this fruit salad thingie he > would make every Thanksgiving. Your ex-frozen-iceman-lawyer? Your ex-floppy-icky-leech? Your ex-flatulent-incoherent-lardo? Your ex-fish-in-latex? > When I was in elementary school, having a pomegranate in your lunch > was like having two ding-dongs or something. I only have the one, but it's big enough for two. Hey ladies! -- K. (while holding a razor blade up to Gainsborough's "Blue Boy") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 15:54:46 -0500 Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (not delicious like a real pomegranate) > > Indeed pomegranate is delicious. While I was at the party after the > premier of The Royal Tenenbaums down in Los Angeles [1], I encountered > an interesting idea -- bowls full of pomegranate seeds that had been > taken out of a pomegranate fruit and just put into a pile. Very, very > handy. Ooh! Did you also have a big bowl of pre-peeled grapes? And did you remember always to wipe your hands on a fair-haired boy's head and never on your toga? > This has since been used at every meal-related party that's been thrown > at this house since (er, two Thanksgivings and one Christmas). Being > able to lift pomegranate seeds out of a bowl with a spoon and just make > a pile of them on one's plate next to the turkey stuffing is neat. So > is eating them. And when the turkey was cut open, how many exotic birds came flying out? And what was inside the exotic birds? And what was inside whatever was inside the exotic birds? Also, what was the party entertainment -- did it use the eel pit or the bronze bull? > This post makes my life seem more interesting and pomegranate-filled > than it actually is, I think. Just keep writing these good articles or you're going to gladiator school, and I don't mean the homoerotic one from "Spartacus", I mean the incredibly tedious and pretentious one from "Gladiator". Or worse, anything where you have to listen to Victor Mature. > [1] I recently went back to Los Angeles for three days to do the > commentary for the Freaks & Geeks DVDs, and they put me up at a hotel > across the street from the theater where the The Royal Tenenbaums > premier was shown. So that was kinda neat. There was also a good sushi > place nearby. I call dibs on being the first guy on alt.religion.kibology to do a commentary on your commentary. (Anyone who attempts to jump their place in line will go for a ride in the bronze bull. Stephen, how much would we have to pay you to get you to do a commentary track for THAT scene?) -- K. From the makers of "Bee In A Balloon", it's new "Bee In A Balloon In A Bronze Bull In Bionic Barbara Bain's Barckyard Barbeque"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: aw nuts Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 02:51:27 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > My bag of pistachio nuts has easy-straight-tear opening characteristic. Poor Spot! His bag of pistachio nuts had easy-straight-tear opening characteristic, but not easy-gay-tear, which made it really hurt when his new friends from the Christmas story ripped his nut sack open! Then -- hey, wait, Mark, you're not Paula! Stop trying to trick me by posting smutty sentences that deserve to be Spot stories! You're ruining Spot's perverted sexual torture for everyone! -- K. I never liked pistachios. Now cashews, those are tasty, especially if you know how poisonous they are when improperly harvested -- It's the same reason people like fugu sushi, because anything poisonous is great when it doesn't kill you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: aw nuts Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 03:26:05 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > > > My bag of pistachio nuts has easy-straight-tear opening characteristic. > > > > Poor Spot! His bag of pistachio nuts had easy-straight-tear opening > > characteristic, but not easy-gay-tear, which made it really hurt when > > his new friends from the Christmas story ripped his nut sack open! > > As opposed to when you don't have easy-gay-tear, and then getting your > nut sack ripped open doesn't hurt at all. I believe that followed logically from what I said, but that still doesn't mean you should have been thinking about it. > > Then -- hey, wait, Mark, you're not Paula! > > [...] Someone put this in their signature so I don't have to get a > signature. Okay. -- K. "Someone put this in their signature so I don't have to get a signature." -- Mark Hill ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When you have the dream Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 03:00:27 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > that unites Alice the maid from Brady Bunch and Shaggy from the Scooby Doo > in an unconventional tryst, IT'S TIME TO > WAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please define in what way mating a fictional sitcom maid with a cartoon teenager played by an elderly top-40 radio disc jockey is "unconventional". Would you consider it conventional if Alice frenched Mr. French while Shaggy got all lovey-dovey with some cartoon teenager played by Dick Clark? Or what if Alice bent over for Benson while Shaggy shagged the world's coolest cartoon teenager played by Ed Sullivan? -- K. [bad imitation of a bad imitation of Bill Cosby] These kids today, what with the Scooby Doo and the bee'ing and the bop'ing and the blizzm and the blazzm... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Question of "Herosim" Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 03:22:20 -0500 "TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I was responding to Christopher Kreuzer's query, in which he asked > (whether seriously or not, I don't care) if you can "troll" a > troll. You can, as anyone, even a troll, can be "trolled". I have > seen, on usenet, old-time posters take on trolls and "troll" them, > leading the troll into ever tightening circles, with often funny > (and beyond funny) results. Of course, there is a difference > between being a true troll and just trolling. The line can get > fuzzy, and be crossed, but signal -vs- bait is a good indication. Stop trying to troll me! I cannot be trolled! > Most of the time a troll being trolled gets petulant and boring. > Sometimes they leave. Much of the time I'd never know as I > killfile irritating trolls (as well as posters that I have an > overwhelming urge, justified or not, to slap into the next > universe, one over to the right). All that said, my killfile is > light in residents, as many posters troll, and are not "trolls" in > the worst sense. Noooo! Stop trolling me! I don't like the way you're trolling me! > I don't have the skill, patience, energy or desire to troll a troll > - or anyone else. I might do some light fishing now and then, but > I try to leave clues as to what I'm doing. Augh! Please stop successfully trolling me so hard! PLEASE SIR NO MORE TROLL ME NOW!!! > As to who, exactly, he was referring - that was moot, in my reply. Okay, I surrender. I admit total defeat. You've trolled the hell out of me. Now I'm going to go cry into my laundry hamper because nothing else would soak up all the tears of someone who has been trolled as severely as you've trolled me. YOU BIG MEANIE! I only ask that others remember me as someone who used to have a personality before you not only destroyed my self-esteem but put it on the end of a toothbrush and made me polish my own floor with it. -- K. OKAY PLEASE STOP NOW SIR WAAAAAH!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Trolling here Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 07:34:01 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Is it wrong to be slightly angry and confused when very talented artists > stick exclusively to hardcore fetish porno? I'd have to see the pictures to judge, unless you're talking about Hajime Sorayama, in which case BE QUIET AND LET THE NICE MAN DO HIS PRETTY DRAWINGS. > I mean, I'm not the one to begrudge a man his fetish but hundreds of pictures > of your 'fetish'...come on! Hundreds? Oh, you mean 1/50th of a CD. > Draw a happy bunny rabbit already! Now THAT'S sick! -- K. Just 'cause you drew a smile on the bunny won't fool me into thinking it was a consensual "bunny hop". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Summary of the hockey game I went to tonight. Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 03:23:33 -0500 (Some guy sings "O, Canada" and "The Star Spangled Banner".) 17,999 people in yellow shirts: WOO! HERE WE GO BRUINS, HERE WE GO! (repeat) 1 guy in my red and white shirt: WOO! GO SENS GO! (nobody joins in) (Todd White deftly shoots the puck backwards between his own legs, and it passes through Andrew Raycroft's five-hole because he's not expecting the Senators to do anything clever, making the score Senators 1, Bruins 0.) 17,999 people: AWWW! 1 guy: WOO! (Brian Rolston holds his stick directly above his head while kicking the puck into the Senators' net, hoping nobody will notice the difference between his stick and his leg.) 17,999 people: WOO! Echoey P.A. system: THE--PLAY--IS--UNDER--REVIEW--REPEAT--REVIEW--REVIEW! 17,999 people: AWW! Echoey P.A. system: NO--GOAL--REPEAT--NO--NO--NO--GOAL--GOAL--GOAL! 17,999 people: AWWWWWWW!!!! 1 guy: WOO! (The Senators get another past Raycroft, making the score 2-0.) 17,999 people: ARGH!!!!! 1 guy: W-- (the Senators score again instantly, 3-0) --OO!! 17,999 people: BOO SENATORS!!! WE HATE THE SENATORS!!! 1 guy: I LOVE YOU ALL! MUH! 17,999 people: BOO SENATORS!!! (The Bruins' Hal Gill hits one of the Senators, and both teams mob them, then Zdeno Chara -- 6'9" -- reaches over the top of everyone and pounds the face of shorty little 6'7" Hal Gill until it is a bloody mass of pain on one side and just ugly on the other. They both get penalties, even though Zdeno Chara is so tall no ref would be able to penalize him if he didn't let them.) 17,999 people: YAY FOR FIGHTING! BOO SENATORS!!! (...Time passes. The score stays 3-0 for the next two periods, during which time the police eject two drunken people heckling each of the Senators as well as the closest representative of the Senators, opening up two seats right near me. The other 17,997 fans continue to get disenchanted with the Bruins' performance...) 17,997 people: BOO BRUINS!!! WE HATE THE BRUINS! 1 guy: WOO!!!! Hey, I forgot to drink the bottle of water they charged $3.50 for. End-of-game horn: HONK!!!! 17,997 people: (very quiet on the subway ride home with me) -- K. I love it when everyone else in the arena is booing the same team I hate even though I'm too polite to boo them. With my mental powers, I enslaved 17,999 people and turned them against their own team! And then I cursed them to a fate worse than death as they all went home to eat BOOberry cereal until they turned blue! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Summary of the hockey game I went to tonight. Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 15:04:09 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I love it when everyone else in the arena is booing the same > > team I hate even though I'm too polite to boo them. With > > my mental powers, I enslaved 17,999 people and turned them > > against their own team! And then I cursed them to a > > fate worse than death as they all went home to eat BOOberry > > cereal until they turned blue! > > I trust you will never use this power for evil, and only for personal > gratification. That's right. I enslaved those 17,999 people for their own good. Forget the Stockholm syndrome, they're going to experience the Only-Ottawa-Fan-In-Boston syndrome and they're all going to sob and cry and apologize for ever making fun of Radek Bonk's last name or mocking Zdeno Chara's unnaturally long stick. Except the part about eating BooBerry cereal, that's just cruel torture. If you don't believe me, try eating two bowls, then sit on the toilet with six rolls of toilet paper handy (you'll know why when it happens.) -- K. The Maple Leafs' jerseys are the color of new BooBerry, but the Predators' alternate jerseys are the color of used BooBerry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dey's Foolin Wif Mah Ehm uh Ehms! Date: Wed, 31 Dec 2003 03:32:02 -0500 [on a silly new M&Ms promotion where they're going to be decolorized] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > > > There is an M&M Meat Company in Salt Lake City. I drove past it, and > > my friend said, "Will the real Slim Jim please stand up?" And I said, > > "EAT ME!" > > You weren't cruising Main Street with Kibo, were you? Hey, I'm not the phony Jim Carrey guy who used to be in those commercials before they were replaced by even more annoying ones for completely different products. Also, even if I was, I would try to do the Slim Jim corporation a favor by encouraging women to try the product by changing the slogan to "HEY LADIES I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOUUUU!" > > Anyway, I can't wait until they introduce a new "Color Visible Only > > to Bees" Skittle. > > I think that would be pasty white, as bees seem to be very attracted > to me. Actually, it's more wasps, which I hate more than bees. One > of the schools I work at has a wasp problem so they have packages of > Downey for the yard duty people to carry in their pockets. It is > supposed to repel the wasps. I am not sure if this is a scientific > theory of science or just a scam, but I noticed they didn't provide > any Downey for me. And when I checked out the Downey the next time I > was getting laundry detergent, I noticed they had different fragrances > and none of them were Wasp Repellant (HEY KEVINS - is that an ant or > an ent word?) so I figured I would just have to take my chances. I > haven't been attacked by any wasps at that school, so perhaps wasps > are also repelled by the smell of playdoh. Wasps don't know it doesn't taste as bad as it smells. That's how you know they're stupid. -- K. The blue play-doh is the best flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm a big softie Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:35:01 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > So these punk kids were out in the street across from my house > carousing and making lots of noise and waiting for midnight so they > could make even more noise. I walked out the door in my sweats and > slippers looking like the old fart hag that I am and walked > purposefully toward them. "Hey!" I yelled as I approached. I could > see in the way they moved that they were ready for a get offa my lawn > fight. "Have you seen a black and white cat around?" I asked. It > turned out that they had and about 10 minutes later our cat was > delivered to our door by a punk ass kid with a weirdo hairdo Fine, that's the last time I'm going to visit you. Now I'm glad I shaved off the checkerboard haircut so that I look like Ordinary Evil Richard Moll With A Bright Orange Hockey Goatee and not Extra-Evil Richard Moll Now With A Gaming Surface All Over His Potato-Shaped Skull. > and a bunch of body piercings. HEY! STOP LOOKING DOWN THERE! > We thanked him profusely, gave him some cookies and went back to > watching Ahnold movies with the kitty safe and sound inside the house. Well, there's your problem. You should be watching nice, non-threatening kid-safe family fun movies. Like, have you ever seen "The Neverending Story 3"? It must be great, it's got music by Peter Wolf! And Jack Black as a (thirty-something) teenager with my current haircut (and my current hairline) and the implication of a bunch of body piercings which you never get to see because it's a kids' movie and I don't have any! -- K. I still want to get a tattoo someday, though, but I absolutely would have to do it myself. I don't trust anyone else's quality of line! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The revolutionary new video game system that is revolutionary and new! Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:37:13 -0500 "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > In Utah, there is a building