From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 15:54:46 -0500 Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (not delicious like a real pomegranate) > > Indeed pomegranate is delicious. While I was at the party after the > premier of The Royal Tenenbaums down in Los Angeles [1], I encountered > an interesting idea -- bowls full of pomegranate seeds that had been > taken out of a pomegranate fruit and just put into a pile. Very, very > handy. Ooh! Did you also have a big bowl of pre-peeled grapes? And did you remember always to wipe your hands on a fair-haired boy's head and never on your toga? > This has since been used at every meal-related party that's been thrown > at this house since (er, two Thanksgivings and one Christmas). Being > able to lift pomegranate seeds out of a bowl with a spoon and just make > a pile of them on one's plate next to the turkey stuffing is neat. So > is eating them. And when the turkey was cut open, how many exotic birds came flying out? And what was inside the exotic birds? And what was inside whatever was inside the exotic birds? Also, what was the party entertainment -- did it use the eel pit or the bronze bull? > This post makes my life seem more interesting and pomegranate-filled > than it actually is, I think. Just keep writing these good articles or you're going to gladiator school, and I don't mean the homoerotic one from "Spartacus", I mean the incredibly tedious and pretentious one from "Gladiator". Or worse, anything where you have to listen to Victor Mature. > [1] I recently went back to Los Angeles for three days to do the > commentary for the Freaks & Geeks DVDs, and they put me up at a hotel > across the street from the theater where the The Royal Tenenbaums > premier was shown. So that was kinda neat. There was also a good sushi > place nearby. I call dibs on being the first guy on alt.religion.kibology to do a commentary on your commentary. (Anyone who attempts to jump their place in line will go for a ride in the bronze bull. Stephen, how much would we have to pay you to get you to do a commentary track for THAT scene?) -- K. From the makers of "Bee In A Balloon", it's new "Bee In A Balloon In A Bronze Bull In Bionic Barbara Bain's Barckyard Barbeque"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:44:20 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (not delicious like a real pomegranate) > > > > Indeed pomegranate is delicious. > > I actually own a pomegranate tree. Dear Paula "Pluto" Tobler, I knew you lived close to L.A., but I didn't think you actually lived in Hell itself. Could you please check that Phil Hartman didn't accidentally get sent there when he died? If so, I'll eat one of your pomegranates if you let him out. Thank you very much. > There were always tons of pomegranates on it around Thanksgiving time > and my ex FIL loved to put the seeds into this fruit salad thingie he > would make every Thanksgiving. Your ex-frozen-iceman-lawyer? Your ex-floppy-icky-leech? Your ex-flatulent-incoherent-lardo? Your ex-fish-in-latex? > When I was in elementary school, having a pomegranate in your lunch > was like having two ding-dongs or something. I only have the one, but it's big enough for two. Hey ladies! -- K. (while holding a razor blade up to Gainsborough's "Blue Boy") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:33:25 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I haven't been able to get any Get Out of Hell Free cards in I don't > know how long. I could have used one today. After fighting with > Kaiser over my eyeglass prescription for the third time, At last I understand World War I: The Kaiser made someone's glasses in an hour and fifty-nine minutes, causing a big fight over the definition of "about an hour"! > I decided to stop at a restaurant and get something to eat, figuring > that might help my killer headache. You know what usually helps my headaches? Hitting my head on a car door. Or jail cell door. Or anything else hard enough to make the headache say "YAY! THAT HELPED ME HURT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!" Maybe you should stop trying to help your headache and try to get rid of it. You could try giving it to the Kaiser instead, or at least to the Tsar. > They sat us next to the people who can be heard across the world > (both speaking and chewing, o gross) and too close to the screaming > child who could be heard but not seen. I asked to move and the > child appeared. At our table. It took her mother a full five minutes > to find her. "But mommy, the big people got laptop computers with alt.religion.kibology!" (I'm typing this on the subway, and I guarantee you that by the end of this article I'm going to have to explain it to someone who'll have started reading it over my shoulder, especially if they're a screaming child.) > I don't understand why people let their children wander off where they > can't see them and don't even bother to follow. Wait a minute, > considering this child's whining pitch and lack of discipline, > I can see it in this case. Mom was probably hoping someone would > steal her or she would get lost or wander out in the street or > something. It's for kids like this that Willy Wonka built that nice torture factory. > Anyway, we could still hear the chewing and talking people from around > the corner, too. The waitress brought us no bread, the wrong food and > no drink refills and pretty much ignored us. Maybe you should stop going to Chuck E. Cheese. > About the time I was ready to explode, the food came. She also > forgot the girls' sundaes. Since they can read the kids menu where > it says their lunch comes with a sundae, this was a Very Bad Thing. No tip for that waitress, assuming the word "waitress" is even properly defined when it applies to someone who didn't bring you your food. Here's something I've learned: If you have your head shaved like a checkerboard, people don't really mind if you don't tip them and they're still really careful not to piss you off. > Screaming girl is still out there somewhere as are chomping people, > who also have horrible grammar, by the way, which wouldn't grate on > my nerves so much if it weren't so loud and I didn't have a splitting > headache and want them to keep their conversation to themselves, > or at least the western hemisphere. I've always thought it's silly that people divide the world into Eastern and Western hemispheres. It's more logical to divide the world into the Surface and Inside hemispheres. All the bad kids should be kept about three miles down where nobody can hear them except trolls, orcs, kobolds, and the stuff that turns into Quorn. > I finally got out of there and went through the drive through drug > store to get some excedrin. They only do prescriptions at the drive > through and I will have to go in to get anything non-prescription, > the chyk tells me. I fight down the urge to literally drive through > and go in and get some drugs. Then I have to make it home with kids > in the car before the drugs kick in. I still can't get out of this hell. > I am currently wondering why I told my dad I would pick him up at the > airport late tonight and why I didn't drive through AND grab some > prescription pain killers on my way through at the drug store. AIEEEEE! Yeah, but at least you didn't wang your head on a jail cell door. I didn't either, but telling you the truth would be too much for you to bear. -- K. I can give people headaches without even telling them the truth! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 00:22:06 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here's something I've learned: If you have your head shaved like > > a checkerboard, people don't really mind if you don't tip them and > > they're still really careful not to piss you off. > > [...] you know that whole "trouble with faces" thing? I think > your head and facial hair styles might have something to do with that. Well, I've heard that some prosopagnosic folks like to wear no makeup, put little effort into hair styling, etc., because they want to keep the same look all the time so as not to confuse folks. And others of us like to adopt more stylized looks to make ourselves more distinctive (even to ourselves.) One thing you have to understand is that I've always been fascinated by masks -- to most people, a mask hides an identity, but to me, a mask gives someone an identity. The clean edges of something like a gas mask or medieval helmet or whatnot make it very easy to recognize and interpret, as a piece of graphic design, compared to the chaotic, shifting contours of a natural human face. If everyone wore Kabuki masks all the time, it would make most people's lives harder, and make mine equally easier. I had gotten quite used to my previous look, but still never could quite recall what my own face looks like in the mirror. After having made the switch from medium-length hair (the Caligula-like 'do) to a buzz cut about a month ago, every time I passed a mirror it would really startle me because there would be this complete stranger looking back. (The brain does not consider hair part of the face. Most people, no matter whether they have the circuit my brain is missing, use hair as one of the most important cues for recognizing someone. This is why "Saturday Night Live" can throw a wig on a random person to turn them into a famous person who doesn't look anything like them otherwise.) It's pretty odd to pass a mirror and not recognize yourself without studying the details. (Most people can recognize someone on sight, I have to think about "What shape is the nose? Are there any distinguishing marks? Do I know that beard?") Anyway, I like looking distinctive, because I know that when _I_ look at me, I want to see something memorable enough that I can think "Oh yeah, that guy with the black hair and red beard, that's _me_" because otherwise I'd feel I looked too much like everyone else. I mean, even if I didn't have the little neurological quirk with regard to faces, I wouldn't try to dress or act as blandly as possible, so I'm quite comfortable expressing some individuality with my hair. I have very specific (and finicky) tastes in clothing, in colors, and so on, so although I'm not obsessed with personal grooming by any measure, I do put a little effort into integrating my hair and beard into my "look". I change my look every year or two when I get tired of it, or when circumstances change. I had grown my hair into a sort of medieval/Roman cut for a specific purpose, but it turned out to not be that important, and then I had other reasons for wanting it to be short (a couple being how sweaty I get under my hat in winter, and having a hairline curvy enough that having combed-over hair was starting to look silly) so now I've settled on keeping the red beard (sometimes it's a red goatee with a black beard around it) but with a buzz cut. I cut it every few weeks then let it grow out a little. It's a time-saver, I don't have to comb it or spend any significant amount of time drying it. The checkerboard haircut was just a little experiment for a few days because I knew it was time to shave my head again. I have photos but you ain't gonna see them. I look like a real psycho. (And I did when I had the checkerboard haircut, too!) -- K. I still envy Sabalom Glitz's striped sideburns from the "Doctor Who" serial "Trial Of A Time Lord". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: prosopagnosia (was: Re: L00T REP0RT!) Date: Fri, 09 Jan 2004 04:55:11 -0500 [concerning men who mistake their wives for hats] Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And others of us like to adopt more stylized looks to > > make ourselves more distinctive (even to ourselves.) > > I'm thinking this may explain excessive facial piercings. I really did want to get a nose ring (in the septum, not the nostril), provided I could take it out when I didn't want to frighten people. (There are little U-shaped retainers that can be tucked into the nostrils invisibly to keep the hole from closing up when the ring's not in.) But a newly-inserted ring has would have to be left in and not even touched for at least four weeks while it healed, and during that time I'd have to not only wear the ring AND not scratch my nose, I'd ALSO have to sleep on my back, which isn't how I do it. In addition, there would be a non-negligible risk of an infection going right up into my helpless little brain. So every time you see me with a nose ring, it's just a clip-on. > > The clean edges of something like a gas mask or medieval > > helmet or whatnot make it very easy to recognize and interpret, > > Yah, I was also gonna say that it might explain the > gas mask thing. Oh... yeah... THAT explains EVERYTHING about why I might own a gas mask. It sure does! Case closed, the end, change the subject. > Wretch > doesn't cut his > hair because he > recognises > himself this way But do you get the hair cut by the barber who cuts the hair of all barbers who don't cut the hair of all barbers who cut your hair? -- K. Ninety-four percent of all men in gas masks are liars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: L00T REP0RT! Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 00:01:21 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's for kids like this that Willy Wonka built that nice torture factory. > > Want some nice yummy chocolate little girl? > > I think people think I will be more sympathetic with their horribly > behaved children when I am out with my children. Little do they know > that I am actually more pissed off because if I can keep my two > rugrats from making them want to throw their dishes at my table, then > they should be able to handle their one. Also, I spent a lot of time > pacing around restaurants and then eating cold food in five minutes > flat because I didn't think it was okay for my kids to disturb other > people in restaurants even when they were too small to reason with or > stop some of the times. But what if you fly on Crying Baby Airlines where people are paying extra for the experience of sitting between two crying babies and/or little kids fighting over who gets to pop the barf bag? Would you get cross with your children if they weren't being as loud as other people expected? > > [...] > > Maybe you should stop going to Chuck E. Cheese. > > You haven't actually been to Chuck E. Cheese, have you? I go there once a week just to squirt a tube of Krazy Glue into the ball pit, and shorten one leg of each of the pinball machines. > At least at Chuck E. Cheese, you can go up and get your own drink > refills. Also, it is so noisy overall that you can't hear the > screaming child at the next table, even if it is your own. There > is a reason I carry ear plugs in my purse. Ear plugs don't work all that well by themselves. What you really need to do is grab one of the balls from the ball pit and jam it into your ear canal all the way. > > [...] > > Yeah, but at least you didn't wang your head on a jail cell door. > > > > I didn't either, but telling you the truth would be too much for > > you to bear. > > I don't know nothing 'bout bearin' no truth! That was one of the missing books of the Apocrypha, where Jesus was running around bearing a big box of truth while a glowing cross chased him around and he kept eating little white dots and occasionally a green thing that may or may not have been a futuristic space durian. Then he sang a version of "Baby Elephant Walk" which had been so badly mutated that nobody could recognize it, certainly not me. > > I can give people headaches without even telling them the truth! > > I wasn't going to say it, but I am glad somebody did. I was going to say that wanging my head on that steel door may have been why I forgot to put in my earplugs immediately afterwards, but I'm glad that I didn't. -- K. P.S. This entire article is a lie, except for the part about the Krazy Glue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm a big softie Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:35:01 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > So these punk kids were out in the street across from my house > carousing and making lots of noise and waiting for midnight so they > could make even more noise. I walked out the door in my sweats and > slippers looking like the old fart hag that I am and walked > purposefully toward them. "Hey!" I yelled as I approached. I could > see in the way they moved that they were ready for a get offa my lawn > fight. "Have you seen a black and white cat around?" I asked. It > turned out that they had and about 10 minutes later our cat was > delivered to our door by a punk ass kid with a weirdo hairdo Fine, that's the last time I'm going to visit you. Now I'm glad I shaved off the checkerboard haircut so that I look like Ordinary Evil Richard Moll With A Bright Orange Hockey Goatee and not Extra-Evil Richard Moll Now With A Gaming Surface All Over His Potato-Shaped Skull. > and a bunch of body piercings. HEY! STOP LOOKING DOWN THERE! > We thanked him profusely, gave him some cookies and went back to > watching Ahnold movies with the kitty safe and sound inside the house. Well, there's your problem. You should be watching nice, non-threatening kid-safe family fun movies. Like, have you ever seen "The Neverending Story 3"? It must be great, it's got music by Peter Wolf! And Jack Black as a (thirty-something) teenager with my current haircut (and my current hairline) and the implication of a bunch of body piercings which you never get to see because it's a kids' movie and I don't have any! -- K. I still want to get a tattoo someday, though, but I absolutely would have to do it myself. I don't trust anyone else's quality of line! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The revolutionary new video game system that is revolutionary and new! Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:37:13 -0500 "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > In Utah, there is a building just off I-15 with a sign that says: > > VIRTUAL GOLF BARN > > I laugh now just thinking about it. I think adding "barn" to almost > anything makes it funny. Dragon Barn. CIA Barn. Ninja Barn. Crunchy Corn > Barn. "Women's Dress Barn" (another actual Utah store) cracks me up, > because (a) "barn" connotes livestock, not fashion, and (b) "women's"?. > > I mean to say, really. "Women's"? Let's test your theory. Lint Barn Potato Barn Map Barn Underoos Barn Hermit Crab Repellent Barn Fart Barn I'm not sure the barn really makes the fart that much funnier. -- K. However, Steve Allen would tell you that "Bart Farn" would be the funniest thing ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Child Stuck in Claw Machine Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:42:17 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > -> But rescuers hadn't figured out how the boy was able to crawl into the > -> game, or why no one in the store's busy lobby spotted him and stopped > -> him before he got inside. > > Well, DUH, his dad stuffed him up there and then lied about being on > the phone and not seeing anything until he was already stuck. He is > sleeping on the couch tonight for not choosing something they couldn't > get him out of without causing casting or other immobilization. Uh-oh. Run away, everyone, Paula's turned into Archimedes Plutonium again! YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY! Unless I at least get to watch. -- K. "Here, kid, suck on this shiny metal Wartenberg lollipop..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Child Stuck in Claw Machine Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:52:45 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > -> 7-year-old gets stuck in stuffed animal game machine > -> > -> SHEBOYGAN (AP) -- A 7-year-old boy had to be rescued with the help of a > -> locksmith Saturday after crawling into a supermarket's stuffed animal > -> game machine while his father talked on the telephone. > > There were multiple injuries to his head as many nasty teenage punks tried > to win the 7-year-old as a prize. And then his father couldn't get him out because he got his finger stuck in the pay phone's dial. And it wasn't even a rotary. (By the way, how many of you nasty teenage punks have never seen a rotary phone? You'll never understand the feeling of relief we old-timers got every time we avoided injury after we dialed a "0" and heard the thing go ratcheting around on its finger-eating watch-spring. I will award a special imaginary prize to the first old codger who comes up with the proper English spelling of the onomatopoeia it makes when you dial "0".) > -> "He was sitting right in there with the stuffed animals," said Shift > -> Commander Mark Zittel of the Sheboygan Fire Department. > -> > -> He said the boy, whose name was not released because he is a minor, > -> crawled through about an 8-inch-by-10-inch opening to get into the > -> glass enclosure via a chute where the toys come out, but when he tried > -> to get back out his way was blocked. > > I KNEW THOSE THINGS WERE RIGGED! Prizes go in but they don't come out > because they are BLOCKED! No, you stuff prizes into the claw machine in order to make QUARTERS come out! What's so hard to understand about how there's an Invisible Backwards Zone around every claw machine, you nimnul? Just glue some fresh beard hair to your face, take a plate of food out of your mouth, and embrace life in the Hobart Phase! IN HOBART PHASE, TV WATCHES YOU, NANO-NANO!!! (I'd like to thank the Nobel committee for this award for "World's Most Obnoxious Standup Comedian" and then read a Jeff Foxworthy book aloud at one-quarter speed.) > -> The stuffed animals are prizes that can be hooked by players with a > -> crane-like device. Newspapers are rectangles full of stuff you can read all the way to the bottom of if you are stupid. Newspapers end with facts dogs can understand. Oh, wait, they kept going after they reached the bozo bottom of the inverted pyramid: > -> "His dad was three feet away at a pay phone," Zittel said. "He was > -> talking on the phone and he said the next thing he turned around and > -> the kid was in the thing." > -> > -> He said the boy stayed calm and didn't panic as firefighters responded > -> to the Piggly Wiggly store and then moved the game machine to the back > -> of the store and got a locksmith to open the main loading door. The > -> process took about an hour. > > Of course he didn't panic. He had a new home all his own filled with toys! Yeah, but I bet he still wished it was one of those claw machines filled with candy instead, even though those always contain crapppy candy like Dubble Bubble and Black Cows and Mary Janes. > -> "There was no panic," Zittel said. "We could have broke the glass if > -> there was an emergency." > > Kids love broken glass! What, they couldn't have just put in a couple quarters and picked the kid up with the claw? Those machines are so EASY! > -> The boy was not injured or traumatized but desperately had to go to the > -> bathroom, he said. > > The now-stinky prizes have yet to be restocked. C'mon, Sheboygan Piggly Wiggly, get with the program! All other Piggly Wigglys sell things like bread after it's been peed on, so get off your butt and put the damp teddy bears back on the shelf between the used paper towels and the used bacon! > -> But rescuers hadn't figured out how the boy was able to crawl into the > -> game, or why no one in the store's busy lobby spotted him and stopped > -> him before he got inside. > > Yes yes yes, it's all very fascinating, but what I want to know is did he > get to keep any of the prizes?! And why did Commander Mark leave Secret > City to become a firefighter? I'm glad to know I'm not the only person to have that thought whenever a news story contains the words "Commander" and "Mark" next to each other. I think next Halloween it would be a great idea to go around as Commandant Mark for a day ("YOU VILL DRAW ME A TANK!") if I hadn't already picked out something different (and so disturbing that I couldn't possibly wear it where anyone will ever see it.) -- K. Actual dumb sentence overheard on the train just now: "How do you have cancer if you're STILL ALIVE?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:46:35 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone remember Jarts, or has anyone who ever had > > them had their memory wiped clean by mysterious puncture > > wounds to the back of their head? > > I would pay real money for a set of Jarts. There are too many things in > my life screaming out for Jart holes. Faceless aliens, for instance. Dear Harlan Ellison, "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream For A Jart Hole" was the worst S&M fan story you ever posted to this "Star Trek" bulletin board. Please write more of your trademark stories about Spock getting pregnant and Wil Wheaton building a real U.S.S. Enterprise and showing you how all the controls work for the next fifty chapters. adTHANKSvance muVERYch. Sincerely, Your pal, Me. -- K. Poor Spot! He has no mouth and must eat dog food! EWW INTRAVENOUS ALPO! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I shot an arrow in to the air... Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:47:59 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > Sometimes you gotta work for what you want out of life, Kibo my dear. > > > Considering that you were the cause of my one and only trip to a > > > Jollibee's, you are lucky I don't do much worse to you. > > > > Mistress Paula, I've been naughty and I must be disciplined. I'll bring > > you the Ping-Pong paddle and the thumbscrews and the stapler and the > > gummi worms while you order the durian shake from Jollibee. > > No! You must bring me... a shrubbery! You're harshing my buzz. If you tie men down and quote Monty Python at them, you're the WORLD'S WORST DOMINATRIX. And I'm going to buy you a T-shirt that says that. > Paula > But not one of the shrubberies that tries to kill me Your kink is not okay, or even comprehensible. -- K. (bad at cybersex) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Meeting Politicians (was Re: I shot an arrow in to the air...) Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:49:07 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I've met only two major politicians [...] > > My favorite politician story (which is kind of embarassing) was when a nice > looking middle-aged man flanked by two men in black suits, sunglasses, and > earpieces came into Paris, the coffee shop I hung out at in my late teens > and early twenties. I quickly recognized him as Governor Roy Romer. There > was a democratic rally of some sort going on in Old Town, Fort Collins, and > he must have needed a drink or wanted to speak with his constituents. Keep > in mind, this is the coffee shop where all the "bad" kids went, where many > an illicit deal was made, where many an illicit substance was consumed, and > where the world's worst poetry was recited. It's also where I was > eventually employed (though, to be fair, that was after the location had > moved and cleaned up its image a bit). > > At any rate, he got his coffee, and came straight to the table that my > friends and I were hanging out at. Before he arrived, we giggled at the > goofiness of a representative of "The Man" Inc. coming into our little den > of sin to hang out. He reached our table, introduced himself, shook hands, > asked how we were all doing, etc... a nice guy. > > Then he said, "So, what kind of place is this?" > > To which I, stupid little smart-ass that I was, responded, "Just the local > collective of freaks, weirdos, and criminals." > > Immediately, black suit #1 (still to his side) said, "Sir, we need you > outside NOW." Romer's Men In Black weren't doing their job very well if they weren't aware that this could have been an obvious trap -- set up a fake coffee shop full of very slightly "bad" kids (you know, like when Greg Brady decided he was a hippie for one episode) just to trick politicians into hearing the phrase "Sir, we need you outside NOW," which will lead them into the parking lot where the really dangerous people are -- senior citizens who are pissed off that they tried to go to the supermarket at 7:00:01am and it wasn't open yet even though the sign says it opens at 7 not followed by no colon oh oh colon oh one dagnabbit! They'd give him a stern talking-to until he cried, then they'd demand to speak to his manager. -- K. I used to wear a lot of black. That was back before I realized it made me look cool, so now I've stopped doing it in public. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is this worthy of Kibological attention? Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:50:48 -0500 clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca wrote: > > I was helping a friend compile some database-like things while he wrote all > the hard programming stuff. He wrote one piece of code that opened a > temporary window prior to resizing and opening a second database window. He > wanted to have the window non-blank, so this is the caption he put (English > is his second language): > > I AM LIST POPPER. IF SEEING ME, CALL IT SPORT. New List Poppers! The breaded, deep-fried snack with the great taste of Listerine! Fried in pure alcohol! I nominate "If seeing me, call it sport" as the meme of the week. I really hope "meme of the week" catches on so that "meme of the week" can be the next meme of the week. -- K. IF EATING WITH ME, CALL IT SPORK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo vamprisim Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:52:50 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > If Kibo became a vampire and lived for hundreds of years he'd end up > being the vice president 'with a skin condition'. And he'd eat interns > all the live long day. I don't know why you've started fantasizing about me as a vampiric politician, but I must point out that I could do a lot better than being a vice president. I'm thinking either Holy Roman Emperor or Tsar Of All The Russias or at the very least a Space Viking With The World's Biggest Sword Named "Firebrand X". As far as my skin condition goes, it's just a tiny chicken-pox scar! -- K. Gotta go, John-Boy Walton's flying around in testicle- shaped spaceship. That's right, it's THAT Roger Corman film. I'm rooting for Darth John Saxon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: disk geek stuff Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 19:53:04 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > You know, a.r.k. is the most popular non-porn newsgroup on Usenet, > which makes it 10 trillionth overall. Wait, this is a non-porn newsgroup? I'm leaving. -- K. I _was_ going to post another fifty stories about Spot and Batman having a wild orgy in Barbara Bain's House Of Saggy Spandex, but now I will never mention sex again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Space Food Sticks! Date: Tue, 06 Jan 2004 20:09:52 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Space Food Sticks! > > http://www.spacefoodsticks.com/ > > -> In 2002, Terra Firma Products brought Space Food Sticks back to the USA > -> after a twenty year absence. Satisfying the cravings of longtime fans > -> as well as creating an entirely new generation of "stick aficionados," > -> the chewy sticks are alive and well in the 21st Century. > > WHY HAVEN'T ANY OF YOU TOLD ME THIS? I had to find out from my MOM! HOLY SIL!!! I gotta get me some of those. I ate a lot of them. > Also for sale are yummy freeze-dried ice cream and other astronaut foods. Oh, that stuff you can get anywhere, unlike Dippin' Dots, which you can only get in bad places. (Wavy Gravy: "Are you in a good place or a bad place?" Stoned guy: "Oh no, there are Dippin' Dots here!" Wavy Gravy: "It's going to be okay, I'll keep you from gouging your own eyes out...") Know what I saw in the gourmet food aisle of K-Mart today? Looney Tunes Snack Pack pudding in ROOT BEER flavor. That sounded so vile that I'm not even going to try it for you (and remember, I've eaten Beggin' Strips to find out if dogs really can't tell cardboard from bacon.) -- K. So when are they going to bring back Fizzies again? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jake Project (fwd) Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 00:36:33 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > {{{00- > X-Mailer: Netscape (EN 3.01) > From: revjack (revjack@revjack.net) > To: undisclosed recipients; > > Gang, > > The Jake Haller Feelgood Project proceeds apace. The > strip-o-gram gal will be at his office tomorrow at lunchtime > (MAN it is hard to find Rhode Island strippers, take my word > for it) and then Terri will be waiting for him in the > backseat of his car with the bubbles and quahogs when he > gets off work. The guy at the gas station is totally > prepared, it'll be great. > > Thanks for all your hard work, people. Let's remember to > keep this here in email and not let on, or he'll get > paranoid. You know how he is. > > Jack Well, now you've spoiled the surprise by revealing the reason I got that frightening new haircut. Please don't call my strip-o-gram company again unless it's SERIOUS. -- Kibo, aka "Mister Awesome Punk Hunk" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: another semi-vile new snack food I like Date: Thu, 08 Jan 2004 02:40:06 -0500 Found at the only remaining K-Mart in New England: "MARSHMALLOW POPCORN PUFFS candy". It's the word "candy" which made me realize this wasn't the same as "MARSHMALLOW POPCORN PUFFS drain cleaner" or "MARSHMALLOW POPCORN PUFFS emperor of Japan" or "MARSHMALLOW POPCORN PUFFS Mickey Mouse poop". Know those dried-up little vanilla-scented marshmallows they put in Lucky Charms cereal? Imagine those with salt and yellow butter-flavored dye. In other words, they combine sugar plus salt plus vanilla plus movie-flavor butter gunk for a taste sensation which is not only crunchy and squishy at the same time, but also sweet and salty, and vile in a yummy sort of way. This is the sort of snack where you feel sick when you take the first bite, but then you feel okay about eating the rest of the bag, then when you're done you feel sick again. They're made by a division of Hasbro, possibly with the same plastic that goes into G.I. Joe's hair. -- K. I almost forgot to finish this article before I posted it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: another semi-vile new snack food I like Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:20:09 -0500 Stephen W. Carson (Stephen@RadicalLiberation.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know those dried-up little vanilla-scented marshmallows they put in > > Lucky Charms cereal? > > Yes! Yum! My six month's pregnant wife and I are going through a Lucky > Charms kick. I guess it is because kids love Lucky Charms, so our baby > probably is making my wife crave it. I would say that my craving is > some kind of sympathy thing, but my explanation is that I was deprived > as a child of pre-sweetened cereals by a health conscious Mom. So I've > been eating Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms and other such ever since I > moved out. So your strategy failed Mom! Do you hear me, mother! As far as my tastes in cereals go, I had a divine vision recently which I think sums it all up: POPE CHOCULA. Don't ask why or where or how that came to me. But someday it must come true because, after all, hallucinations always come true when they're about religion and/or marshmallows. > To you they may just be "dried-up little vanilla-scented marshmallows" > but to me each little pot o' gold or clover leaf represents a taste of > the nurturing I should have gotten! I love those "marbits". Why else would I have bothered eating those ones K-Mart was selling that had been contaminated by the artificial butter flavor? I remember back when Lucky Charms destroyed their years of tradition by adding a fifth color (blue diamonds were added in the 1970s, on top of the original pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, and green clovers) and back then, the marbits in Count Chocula were all these tiny little cylinders with no discernible attempt at making them shaped like anything (the cereal pieces were little wagon wheels.) Every time I saw Cap'n Crunch's "Oops! All Berries!" I would think, "Why couldn't Count Chocula do an 'Oops! All Marbits!'?" When he becomes Pope, he'll fix that! -- K. FrankenBerry would be the Anti-Pope. And BooBerry would be the Pope Of Poop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: another semi-vile new snack food I like Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:36:46 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As far as my tastes in cereals go, I had a divine vision recently which > > I think sums it all up: > > > > POPE CHOCULA. > > Which reminds me, last night I had a dessert called "Marquis Chocula" > according to the receipt. Remarkably dense chocolate mousse in between > two excellent cookies with homemade vanilla icecream on top. For the first time, the name of a dessert has left me speechless. I will forgo the obvious comment that it must have been well-whipped. > > Every time I saw Cap'n Crunch's "Oops! All Berries!" I would think, > > "Why couldn't Count Chocula do an 'Oops! All Marbits!'?" > > Oops! All Blood! Presumably, The Tick would be the cartoon character on the box. It would be the first cereal you could pop because it would be bloated with flavor. -- K. One of the best things about living in a city that's been so completely paved over is that I haven't seen a mosquito here in many years. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dear NASA: Bite me. On Mars. Date: Fri, 09 Jan 2004 05:25:14 -0500 According to CNN.com, President Bush is getting closer to making his nutty announcement that we have to land astronauts on Mars (I guess he thinks you just go to the Moon and then go an extra ten feet): -> White House spokesman Scott McClellan, traveling with the president -> in Florida, confirmed the announcement will take place next week, -> and said it would be an outgrowth of a review of the space program -> that began after the shuttle disaster. First NASA guy: "Whoops, we killed another crew." Second NASA guy: "What should we do about that?" First NASA guy: "Send some guys to Mars." Now, I love all that cool stuff that lives in outer space, and I love the idea of space exploration. I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. But not only is landing humans on Mars (and especially returning them safely) ten kinds of improbable, but the reasons for going are... well... I'd make fun of them if they existed. Can we please put NASA to work on giving everyone free satellite TV instead? -- K. Or at least free TempurPedic mattresses? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Aftermath Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:23:02 -0500 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Failure to stay in marked lanes" is a ticketable offense in > > Massachusetts, and other commonwealths, I'd imagine. > > Though it can be difficult to obey the law, given that a majority of > Massachusetts roads are covered with a barely-visible palimpsest of > intersecting, faded lane markers of different generations, and some > roads (e.g. Mystic Valley Parkway in Arlington and Medford) are divided > into lanes that are narrower than many vehicles. Well, it's your own damn fault if you don't buy a newer, crappier little car whenever the auto industry tells the government to tell you to do so. Also, in Boston, there are no lane markers. NO LANE MARKERS! EVER!!! I mean, how would they suspend them above the potholes? -- K. Hey Matt, I hear your underwear has "marked lanes"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Clansdell... Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:31:17 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: Hey Clansdell... > > So who are you REALLY? > > You mentioned being a black guy, but that's unlikely. There are only > 14 black people in Canada, and none are assigned to Newfoundland. > Most of them are in Ottawa wearing powered wigs and holding up > lanterns on Parliament Hill so tourists can take pictures. Don't forget Martin Brashear, who was playing for Vancouver back when one of the Bruins whomped him over the head with his stick and put him in a coma. Also, I think the Carolina Hurricanes have a black goalie and since there is no state in the USA named just "Carolina", he must be Canadian. (All goalies are Quebecois anyway. Except for Ron Tugnutt, who is from the same planet as Twirling Boy.) > In the List of Top Three Most Racist Countries on the Planet, there > is 1. Japan, 2. China and 3. Canada. YAY! THE WORLD HAS GONE BACK TO PRETENDING THE USA DOESN'T EXIST! Now we can lower our terrorist alert to Super Double Ultra Totally Green. > [...] > Also, you mentioned child or children, but that's unlikely because you > have waaay too much time to post. People with children don't have > that much time to post. Witness Sean Smith and Paula Tobler. People whose children are in juvie have lots of time to post. If I ever have kids, I'm going to teach them to kill just so that I can get lots of free time while they get a free education. > So come on then. You're an unemployed cod fisher, aren't you? Buddy > What's His Name? More lines than a road map of PEI? 'Fess up! Isn't the randy, lumpy-faced guy from "Lexx" a Newfie? Hmm, Mr. C. L. Ansdell, if that IS your real name, wouldn't that make you a pervert? THE ONLY PERVERT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY? -- K. The local supermarket is selling Valentine's cards showing poorly-drawn cartoon animals with a pair of chocolate human lips glued to them. The scary cartoon pig with bulgy human lips glued over his pig lips is saying -- and this is an exact quote -- "YOU.." on the front of the card, and on the inside, "MAKE ME SQUEAL!" If someone made me squeal, I don't think the proper response would be to give them a quarter-ounce of supermarket chocolate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Influenza A + Hypoglycaemic Shock! Horror! Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:35:47 -0500 clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca wrote: > > Just been released from the hospital, where they kept me for "observation", > which apparently involves some fresh-faced resident coming in, looking at > me, checking my IV and leaving. I feel like something that has no English > translation to describe it, closest attempt would be splurgh. OH MY GOD WHAT DID DARLA DO TO YOU??? > Having arrived at A&E Wednesday evening, they immediately quarantined meand > made sure I was masked and sterilised (????) before they treated me. "Breeders should follow the yellow line, and if you're sterile, we're going to put you on 'Match Game '76' so that Brett Somers can enjoy saying the naughiest word ever on TV, 'sterile'." > I should point out that I was taken to hospital in the first place because I > had blacked out at work. No medical care for you, sonny, until we ensure the > safety of every other person here AND WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM > ALREADY! Good thing I didn't have meningitis. I have White-Out at work. > Three (3) hours later, a doctor who spoke English about as well as I speak > Sanskrit prodded and poked and jabbed at me (FNARR) and declared "We should > run some tests". Oh good. I thought you were going to draw infirmities out > of a hat. "Welcome to... CANDID LOBOTOMY! Now spin the wheel and see which organ I'll remove with these giant tweezers connected to the buzzing red light bulb we've installed in your nose..." > A friend of mine who works as a respiratory therapist at the hospital came > to see if I had pneumonia, at which point he said to me "Woah, Chris, you > don't look yourself." DUMBEST CLICHE EVAH! If I don't look myself, how did > he know it was me, and why was he telling someone that didn't look like me > that I don't look like me? Maybe you're a carrier for prosopagnosia. > Having determined that I did not have pneumonia, he sent me for blood work. > I am needle-phobic, but fortunately for the nurse, who should have been > called Helga, but wasn't, Ah, now my next episode of "The Special Show" is coming together. I think Helga will be played by Jack Black in drag, because we haven't mentioned him yet. > I had barely enough strength to clench my fist whilst she stabbed me > in the arm and drew enough blood to feed vampire Kibo for a week. Some > of you may know I'm a black guy. When she was done I resembled chalk. Necco wafers can do that while still being black. Is there anyone here who really likes the black Necco wafers? I mean, change the formula already, guys, fruit flavors have been invented. > Anyway, turns out I'm diabetic of the too-much-insulin variety, I have Flu > A, and I am confined to BED! ON FIRE! for 6 days. Yay me. Please to send > death ray deluxe. Or cure. I have a bruise on my forehead but you don't hear ME complaining. Also, I always resemble chalk. Except for the palms of my hands, which have a nice pastel shade of purplish-blue. I am either a vampire or a Space Viking. You make the call. -- K. The bruise on my forehead, thankfully, was not caused by the side of the padlock with the raised letters, otherwise people would be calling me "RETSAM" all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Influenza A + Hypoglycaemic Shock! Horror! Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:31:12 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone here who really likes the black Necco wafers? I mean, > > change the formula already, guys, fruit flavors have been invented. > > Are they licorice flavored? I LURV black licorice. Mmm, I am now > craving black jelly beans. The six standard Necco Wafer flavors haven't changed in about 150 years. They are: orange, yellow, green, black (licorice), tan (nutmeg or cinammon or something), and white (evil CLOVE!) They predate the discovery of things like cherries or grapes or strawberries. Heck, they're from an era before those Necco SkyBars rotting on store shelves were even manufactured. (Most SkyBars were made several years after Necco Wafers were invented, during the time Dolly Madison was President.) I think the orange, yellow, and green Necco wafers are supposed to be citrus, citrus, and citrus flavors, although it's possible that they're just orange, urine, and mold flavors. It's hard to tell because it's impossible to eat a Necco wafer. They're not a food item. There is a newfangled remix of Necco Wafer flavors, where all six flavors have been replaced with brown (cocoa), but I think those have been on the market less than a hundred years because they almost taste good, if you like cocoa in your chalk. Those are the ones I gave to Forrest Ackerman right before his stroke. Oh, and Necco's "Canada Mints"? They predate Canada. The country is named after the crappy candy. (It was the only type of candy that could survive the cold weather up there. Real candy freezes and shatters but Canada Mints are indestructible.) Don't even get me started on the vile "Conversation Hearts". Ever notice that ALL Necco products are chalk-based, except for the Sky Bar which is made from a mixture of slard, blarf, and effluenza? -- K. So why do people like licorice? It tastes almost as bad as anise! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I know a man who knows the man who has patented them. I'm just saying .... Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 21:37:02 -0500 clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca wrote: > > Y'know, this reminds me of an ad I saw today for Ex-Lax, claiming now to be > 45% stronger. Not something I'd want to be a guinea pig for... Yesterday I saw a really disturbing commercial. A husband blindfolded his wife and led her through the house. He took her to the kitchen and removed the blindfold to show her that he had bought her a jar of CoffeeMate. S&M WAS RUINED!!!! Lady, divorce that dork and find yourself a husband whose idea of kinky sex is more than non-dairy coffee lightener. -- K. Peanut butter can work pretty well, especially if you have a 55-gallon drum of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New of the DUH!!! Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:16:31 -0500 [cnn.com] -> -> Study links marijuana buzz to 'runner's high' -> -> ATLANTA, Georgia (Reuters) -- The same family of chemicals that -> produces a buzz in marijuana smokers may be responsible for "runner's -> high," the euphoric feeling that some people get when they exercise, -> U.S. researchers say. -> -> High levels of anandamide were found in young men who ran or cycled at a -> moderate rate for about an hour, according to a study made public this -> week by the Georgia Institute of Technology and the University of -> California, Irvine. -> -> Anandamide is a cannabinoid, or lipid molecule, that is naturally produced -> in the body. It is known to produce sensations that are similar to those -> of THC, the psychoactive property in marijuana. One of the reasons I've never smoked pot (or felt I needed to do any other recreational drugs) is that, HELL YEAH, I get so high from strenuous activity. I get a little rush from something as simple as beating a difficult videogame. And I get a bigger rush from bigger things, to the point where I can get really high. -> The study's findings, which were recently published in the journal -> NeuroReport, fly in the face of those who believe that the release of -> brain chemicals called endorphins cause the peculiar high that some -> runners and cyclists claim to feel. Could all the athletes in the world be faking that high just to confuse scientists who don't like NeuroReport? It's a conspiracy of athletes to pretend that running a marathon has a physical effect! Those Olympic athletes are all acting! RUNNING A MARATHON DOES NOTHING! -> [...] -> -> Arne Dietrich, the study's principal investigator and a former -> visiting professor at Georgia Tech in Atlanta, believes the body -> releases cannabinoids to help it cope with the prolonged stress and -> pain of moderate or intense exercise. I think the only other possibility is that it releases something else with exactly the same chemical properties in every way. I'd also like to point out that there is more than one kind of rush, and there are definitely opiate rushes and cannabinoid rushes. And plain old adrenaline rushes. The three don't feel anything like each other. Maybe the scientists of the world should ask someone like me who has actually felt multiple types of them instead of arguing about whether there are one or zero types of high? Of course, not having done drugs, I can't compare the sensations to drugs in any rigorous manner, but I have been around enough people who have been playing with drugs to know that, oh yeah, I can get as high as they can with very similar effects, but entirely through physical means. And besides, why would the brain even have receptors for recreational drugs if it didn't naturally produce those same chemicals once in a while? Scientists of the world, open your minds to the idea that maybe you can experience pleasurable sensations without injecting anything! (It's a novel concept I call "having lots of fun"!) -> "No other study has ever considered this possibility, which is why -> the results are so significant," said Dietrich, who added that there -> were no indications that cannabinoids caused any harm when naturally -> released during intense exercise. Hey, they gotta get released sooner or later. You don't want your brain cluttered up with molecules that aren't being properly exploited. Drugs scare me, but I like that I know I can make my brain happy in safer ways. It's not like it's possible to die from an overdose of pleasure (although that would be so cool...) -> [...] -> -> The "runner's high" theory emerged in the United States during the running -> craze of the 1970s, when researchers discovered the brain's opiate -> receptors, which are proteins located on the surface of nerve cells. -> -> Some scientists, however, say the concept is a myth. That's right! I was only IMAGINING I was hallucinating all those shimmering colors after a recent intense experience that left me all euphoric and wavy! It was all fake! Everyone in the world, except for "some scientists" who have never left their apartments, is part of this conspiracy to pretend that it's possible to enjoy exercise! -- K. Dear neurologists, come over here and I'll show you how to release those pesky cannabinoids and opiates you believe nobody has because you've never bothered figuring out why you really invented the Wartenberg wheel. JESUS CHRIST I THINK I JUST DROPPED A HINT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News of the DUH!!! Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:04:43 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And besides, why would the brain even have receptors for recreational > > drugs if it didn't naturally produce those same chemicals once in a > > while? > > Like every night during REM sleep. Don't tell Leon Kass and the New > Atlanteans, lest someone use a biological system for mere recreation, > instead of vigorous, noble (non-recreational) struggle! Who are they? Are they those guys who made that music video, "Stand", about the balding middle-aged guy riding his bike delivering newspapers? Or am I confusing them with the people who wrote the music for that movie where Jim Carrey made up that wacky "Latka" character who was an obvious rip-off of Balki? Also, I want to apologize for not proofreading my "Subject:" line, which originally said "New of the DUH!!!" which isn't gramatically correct, unlike "News of the DUH!!!" which is the right way to say that. And in answer to all the E-mails asking what a "Wartenberg wheel" is, it's this thing where you point it at something and rub your hand on the flat plate and if the device is pointed at something made of gold, the plate will feel sticky. It was invented by Joseph Campbell, propnent of the Dean Drive (which was destroyed on a test flight when it collided with Donald Turnipseed.) Wartenberg went on to direct a documentary about this, titled "Crash". -- K. Either that or it's a gun that makes people tell the truth about how they love Tonto while Harlan Williams farts on a chimp in outer space. No, wait, that was all Elton John's fault, so ignore it. Besides, I could beat him at pinball any day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Awesomest lead sentence of the year. Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:49:58 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Since not much of the year has gone by yet, I bet it's safe to declare > this sentence from the Calgary Herald to be the awesomest lead > sentence of the year so far: > > -> This is a story of hydroponic cucumbers, a poker-playing monkey, a pet > -> moose, a dead raccoon, the downfall of a Newfoundland government and > -> relief efforts at the World Trade Center. > > http://www.canada.com/national/story.asp?id=DCD78C90-BCA5-4965-B35F-B3EE963D6D47 > > The rest of the article is pretty good too. For the peanut gallery (who probably don't have Web access), allow me to summarize: -> All are linked to multimillionaire Calgary businessman Phil Sprung Sr., -> who is suing the Alberta government for almost $600,000 and the return -> of his aforementioned exotic pets, at least the ones that are still alive. -> [...] it has been renamed Anne Murray, a name more appropriate to its -> sex [...] "This is not a frivolous action," [...] gas leaks from a -> former oil refinery contaminated his hydroponic cucumbers [...] -> Sprung was feted by U.S. President George W. Bush [...] temporary -> stressed-membrane structures that were used by relief workers at the site I have no comment, except to say that Sprung brand membranes have more boing than Saggy brand membranes. -- K. Oh shazbot, I forgot, we Orkans are ALL membrane! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which Disney character would you be? Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:13:26 -0500 Distribution: world Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > If Michael Eisner came up to you and offered you, say, $25.00 to perform > as one of the costumed characters in Disneyland or Disney World, which > one would you be? Captain Hook, because although Homeland Security might confiscate my sword at the airport, they'd be powerless to take away my deadly hook-hand with which I'd slaughter anyone who confused "The Magic Kingdom" with "The Happiest Place On Earth", because the two names refer to different but completely identical Disneylands superimposed on exactly the same plot of land but in parallel universes, with one really high ticket price getting you into both but not the lame-ass California Adventure. > Me, I think I'd be Jiminy Cricket, even though I am kind of tall for the > part. I'd hop around and rub my legs together and yell "CHIRRUP!" real > loud, even though it's illegal for Disney characters to talk. You could tweak the costume a little to be the most annoyingly pathetic character ever, "Jiminy Olsen", who would keep getting himself into trouble through a sincere desire to lecture Superman about never fibbing every time Superman pulls himself out of that same cave he keeps getting trapped in over and over. > Then I'd corner Snow White over by the loading zone behind the Small > World ride and, um, you know. I hear that if you do it on the old Carousel Of Progress you get really dizzy and pass out but only if you can make the orgasm last one full revolution. -- K. (It's "Innoventions" now, but they still have a robot singing the sappy old song about a "big new beautiful tomorrow". I liked it best when it was "America Sings", also known as "The Thing That Used To Turn Disneyland Employees Into Long Red Smears".) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Lays Stax Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:17:53 -0500 "The Big Black Dude" (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > So...Frito-Lays has decided to jump on the bandwagon and make stackable > pertater chips/crisps in a tube. Great. Beloved Wife decides to purchase > some as they must be totally different from every other kind ever produced. > > NO! THEY'RE PRINGLES, BUT THEY'RE LAYS! IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ON THE TUBE! BUT > THEY'RE PRINGLES! > > I think I need to lie down... Whatever you do, if you value your sanity, don't look at what Hershey's selling in the candy aisle -- stackable chocolate wafers shaped exactly like Pringles. Apparently from now on, all snack foods will have Riemannian geometry because that way, when they measure the calories in a triangular area, they'll add up to less than 180. -- K. I hear that the next revision of the Pringles logo is going to look like Popeye turned inside out. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 4th Annual Ukrainian Hmas Review Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:25:14 -0500 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I've only been to Taco Bell once in my life. And I was sober and not > hungover. It made me feel sick. It was one of the rare instances of me > actually throwing food in the trash because it was too vile to eat. > > Never again. Never again, I tell ya. I love Taco Bell! But not as much as I love White Castle. -- K. If you want vile, Tam, go to the basement of the Eaton Centre and find the Thai place in the food court. It serves beef that tastes like it died of Mad Cow Disease With A Twist Of Scoliosis. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ric-ard Perl- using MIND CONTROL LASERS on PrEz! Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 03:34:19 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > What if we spread a rumour that there are TERRORISTS sitting on Mars > > wiping their bottoms with copies of The Constitution? And that they > > have a massive supply of untapped crude oil sitting beneath the > > Martian landscape as well? There'd be Space Marines invading Mars by > > August. > > Let's not forget their weapons of mass Earth destruction. Surely you > have seen the cartoons. By an amazing coincidence, today someone remarked that I looked like Marvin The Martian just because I was wearing a silly hat. But oddly, this happened on a day when I wasn't wearing Patrick Lalime's hockey jersey. Ooh, comments on my winter-weather fashion choices make me so angry. Especially beecause I thought it was more of a "John Philip Law as the world's coolest combination cat-burglar and fur trader" look. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go Windex the inside of my walk-in diamond. -- K. I wish I had John Philip Law's bone structure. Especially if it was in a really cool jar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important musical films of the year 1980 Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 01:02:23 -0500 John D.F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > THE APPLE (Menahem Golan) > THE BLUES BROTHERS (John Landis) > CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC (Nancy Walker) > FORBIDDEN ZONE (Richard Elfman) > THE JAZZ SINGER (Richard Fleischer) > POPEYE (Robert Altman) > XANADU (Robert Greenwald) Very very very bad, flawed but good, very very bad, haven't seen it, haven't seen that remake, flawed and interesting but tedious, very bad. Also, Way too gay, not gay, not gay enough, probably gay I'm guessing, not black enough, kind of unintentionally gay, and not gay. I was also going to try to plot all seven movies on the Nolan Graph to see which ones were Communists, but it hurts my brain to think about "The Apple", especially 'cause I'm not scheduled to turn gay for a few more years, although present difficulties in my romantic life might require rethinking that schedule at some point. I'd like to add that the main problem with "Can't Stop The Music", other than that it exists, is that it focuses on Steve Guttenberg's career as the most brilliant disco album promoter of his era, putting together a band of gay stereotypes who act really straight for most of the movie just to ensure that the movie alienates the only people who would want to see a movie about a gay disco band. The Village People are not only presented as (mostly) straight, but also pretty much only appear in cameos (and the new songs they did for the movie are abominable, such as "Milkshake", "Can't Stop The Music", and the utterly intolerable "I Love You To Death".) Also, as you noted, it was directed by a woman best-known for telling people which brand of paper towels are the "quicker picker-upper". The remake of "The Jazz Singer", with Neil Diamond in blackface, is legendary but I have never encountered it, no matter how hard I have tried to avoid seeing it. "The Apple" is easily the most painful movie on the list. It's also really, really, really, really, really gay (it's probably too gay for most gay people, in fact, it might be too gay for a big pile of Scott Thompsons humping Dave Foleys) but one gets the feeling that the producers (Golan and Globus) thought "That American disco sure is the hots! Let us capture the spirit of major rock and rocknroll band 'Village Of The People'!" without realizing that the Village People had turned disco gay forever. "The Blues Brothers" has some great music in it, and some very funny stuff, but it led to a far-too-late far-too-lame sequel, "Blues Brothers 2000", which was very sad to watch because I kept thinking that even propping the rotting corpse of John Belushi up in front of the camera would be more entertaining than watching the now-elderly Dan Aykroyd sleepwalking his way through the movie with Replacement John Belushi (John Goodman, of course.) That's one of the few movies that could have been pepped up by adding Jim Belushi. And as for "Popeye"... well... Robert Altman has made some great films and some total disasters. "Popeye" is something of an interesting failure, possibly because it was made before Robin Williams got so sappy as to ruin everything he touched (his "Patch Adams" phase.) However, I do recommend "One Hour Photo". -- K. (Fucking Agfa!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Satellite and Tivo Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 03:45:32 -0500 [following a discussion of TiVo, my most beloved home appliance] "kerri" (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anything can be a sex toy if you have the time. This raises an important research question: Assuming that anything can be a sex toy if you have the time... What is the world's slowest sex toy? Go ahead and think about that difficult question before you answer. After all, I have the time. -- K. And twelve rolls of duct tape, including the kind that smells the best. If you don't believe me, go to OfficeMax and sniff all the duct tape. If they get weird about that, tell them I told you to. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: slow sex (was: Satellite and Tivo) Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 02:38:14 -0500 [regarding the universe's slowest sex toy] Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Hydrogen. A light, colorless gas which, given sufficient time, turns > into dildos. Yes, but it also turns into whatever is the most powerful anti-aphrodisiac there is. (Possibly The Golf Channel, or any program from that "G4" channel that just shows ads for video games and pretends Wil Wheaton never existed.) So I would rule out hydrogen because it could potentially change into anything, even a still picture of Roger Ebert taking a shower. Science needs to invent a light, colorless gas which can only turn into sex. -- K. Why are YOU people so obsessed with sex all of a sudden? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terrorist attack Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 03:09:20 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > While going home from work yesterday, I came under heavy machine gun fire > from two unidentified males, one of whom was totally naked. They were both > Caucasian, approximately 4 feet (120 cm) tall, and aged about 4. I only > escaped by feigning death, which is no mean feat whilst simultaneously riding > a bicycle around a roundabout. Here in Massachusetts, "roundabouts" are called "rotaries" because... um... I don't know. They don't actually rotate. They hold still while the cars revolve around the empty space inside the rotary. Elsehwere in the USA, they're "traffic circles", which are so named because adding one to any road creates traffic, just like in the original SimCity. (Got a map containing only two houses and a lot of roads? Hundreds of little black dots will start driving around the road system, but only near the intersections and circles.) > My ruse was effective, for I arrived home unscathed. I immediately hurried > inside to refer to the anti-terrorism fridge magnet, a fixture in all good > Austrian homes, but unfortunately it did not explain exactly how to deal with > this particular situation. I decided to sleep on the matter before phoning in > and reporting the incident. > > I can only hope justice will swiftly prevail. The quickest way to prevent this from happening again would be to make it illegal to ride a bicycle around a roundabout (or across it, or anywhere else for that matter.) This would be good for many other reason, such as, bicycles don't require driver's licenses so terrorists like to ride bicycles because it's impossible for them to get driver's licenses. So ban bikes now to make everyone happy! > Remaining alarmed but not alert, > > John I reduced my body's alert status to Double Blue Super-Safe Non-Alert today because you just made me realize it's been over two years since I was exposed to anthrax and I guess now I'm not going to come down with it. By the way, what's this new rash? -- K. If I fly to New York again this year, how will terrorists ALMOST kill me and/or Freddie Prinze Jr. this time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Communicating with lunar colonies Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 03:26:16 -0500 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > Given that building a permanent colony on the moon is now on the agenda, > I think we need to start preparing to communicate with the colonists. I > think we need to rally support rally support from around the internet to > set up some root servers for the .moon top level domain. ICANN has no > jurisdiction there so we can do this. > > We should also do .mars while we're at it. How high above the surface would .moon go? At some point it would have to change to .deepspace or .solarsystem or something. And isn't it wrong to make all those top-level domains -- why isn't there a .universe top-level domain? Good lord, I just made a satirical comment about the Internet that even someone who didn't know anything about the Internet would make. Well, at least I didn't add "dot com" to the end of it (or worse, "period see oh em".) But still I bet that Andy Rooney is typing exactly the same observation on his mechanical typewriter. "Why do they call it the Internet? It's not a net, it's a web!" PLEASE KILL ME NOW. -- K. At least Andy Rooney gets paid for writing his crap. Why aren't I being paid more for writing less of it?