From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More disgusting elementary-school lunch menu items. Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:16:03 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Wet Burrito with Montezuma Chips". > > Dear god in heaven. I hear that, although the original "Battlestar Galactica" was completely faithful to the Book Of Mormon, the next revival of the series will take the view that Dear God In Heaven is a Wet Burrito with Montezuma Chips. But then in the second season, when they land in California and start driving around on their invisible flying motorcycles, they'll change God to be a Wet Burrito with Montezuma CHiPs, and all the Galacticans will keep quoting Erik Estrada's hip catchphrase, which was... um... I can't remember, but he must have had one, because his show was on in the Seventies. -- K. I still think the most embarassing photo of me ever taken is the one where I'm holding hands with the Cylon that was built for the 1997 "Galactica" revival. The only way it could have been more humiliating would be if the Cylon had made me lick his space galoshes under threat of having to watch the punishingly disinteresting 2004 version. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More disgusting elementary-school lunch menu items. Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:39:34 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] National Custodian Day and to celebrate they served Sloppy Joes, > > although they forgot to add "GET IT?" > > In 3rd grade in Lebanon, Missouri, I had the biggest bitch of a > teacher named Mrs Abbott. If she's reading, I hope it's from a nice > comfy place in the 7th circle of hell. One thing I've never understood: Why are they circles and not pentagrams? > Anyhow, we had a student in class named Joe, who one day overheard me > and another student talking about how the Sloppy Joe's in the cafeteria > sucked. > Joe ran out of the room crying, apparently thinking we were talking > about him and calling him "sloppy". 3rd graders weren't very tough > back then. That's why there was gym class. To toughen kids up to prepare them for an adult life consisting of having hard rubber dodgeballs thrown at their face by bullies all day every day. > Mrs Abbott came in, and did that sort of threatening backswing > motion where it looks like she's about to backhand me hard, but > stopped herself. You are Tie Domi and I suppose you're happy that Mrs. Abbott decided she'd rather play in Vancouver from now on. (That sentence was just for Etienne Rouette.) > THEN she asked what happened. > Anyhow, this post reminds me of how some child rap star on a > Nickelodeon commercial was wearing a shirt that read, "Keepin' it > real." Before I started yelling, "Get offa my TV!" I had to remind > myself that was the same as the shirt I had in the 1970s that said, > "DY-NO-MITE!" and the shirt I had in the 1980s that said, "Grody > to the max!" > Sigh. I had a shirt with a picture of Morris and of course my famous "I feel like a NIMNUL!" Mork shirt. Oh, and later I bought a "Cyberman" shirt at a science-fiction convention, but that doesn't count because it was after I was old enough to have known better. (I liked the graphic design. And heck, I'd be a Cyberman if I could, but only if it was in one of the early episodes where the point would be that I would be tougher and stronger and smarter and scarier than the puny Earthlings instead of subject to exploding when someone shoots me in the leg with an arrow.) > > Hillsboro County (Florida) Secondary School offers an ethnic > > slur, "Cuban Grab N' Go", which is a riot. > > You have got to be fucking kidding me. Is that an order, Mistress? And should I do both of those at the same time or one after the other? (Just a moment while I put on the T-shirt over my silver rubber suit so I can be your Cyberman...) > Did I mention one of the local cafeteria women was fired last week for > saying out loud, "I can't believe we have to celebrate that n*gger's > birthday". About the 19th. I've never been wild about Shawn Wayans (he's about my eighth most favorite Wayans brother) but even so I wouldn't den*grate his birthday (January 19, 1971). He has just as much right to have everyone in the world celebrate his birthday as the rest of us do. By the way, mine's July 13th. I'll be 37, which means my expected lifespan will be officially half over. SO WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE WASTING ALL THESE YEARS OF MY LIFE BY NOT NAMING A NATIONAL HOLIDAY AFTER ME? This year all I want for my birthday is to have something named after me, something bigger than anything named after anyone else born on July 13. Hmm... I guess that means you'd have to name the entire year after me, because of that Julius guy with the bad haircut who took over the whole month. Okay, I call dibs on having all 365 days named after me to prove my hair isn't quite as bad as his. > Again, I realize I have no faith in humanity. We Cybermen agree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. No, wait, that's what Robotrons say. Cybermen are better. Taller, too. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go try to figure out why I have an accordion and several Wiffle balls stapled to my wetsuit. -- K. I understand the point of the accordion, but Wiffle balls serve no purpose for anything! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a new crayon Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 01:48:47 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > //\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\// > > > > WAH! Kibo's stolen my migraine precurser! > > > > Has anyone (well... other than Kibo) seen the strobing herringbone snake > > that lives in my eyeball? > > Oh yes. > > The size of the snake is usually a good indication of the severity of > the ensuing headache. When it goes away, I know I am fucked. While it's > there, the painkillers work. Once it is gone, it is OVER. Then there's > the headache and then the norse ear, and then I throw up once and it > is gone. "norse ear"? What, your ear turns into a horn on the outside of your helmet? I know of the Chinese mushroom called "cat's ear" and "Jew's ear" (because to Chinese people, cats and Jews look alike) but "norse ear" is a new term to me (even though I have more Viking artifacts and literature within ten feet of me than most actual Vikings ever did.) > What's worse is the sudden stabbing pain in the eyeball that sometimes > happens. First time I got one like that I was stumbling around behind > the stage at school in the dark, and I though I had poked myself in the > eye on something. So there I was with a killer eye ache, looking for the > bar of metal I had run into that didn't exist. Today at one point I realized I was holding a plastic spoon despite not planning to eat anything requiring a spoon (I was about to take chicken nuggets out of the oven.) Doesn't quite compare to your story about the nuclear explosion underneath the skin of your eyeball, but still nevertheless it must be significant because it happened to ME. -- K. And it wasn't a Norse ear spoon. I clean my ears like a proper modern person, with my pinky finger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a new crayon Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:32:57 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > WAH! Kibo's stolen my migraine precurser! > > > > Well, actually, I bought it from Salvadore Ross. And he got it from > > you when you traded him your ability to see the word " ". > > > > Serves you right, you total ! > > You've also identified my other migraine precurser, who accompanies > Mr. Snakey. I'm not sure which "Twilight Zone" rerun that would be from. Salvadore Ross was, of course, in "The Self-Improvement Of Salvadore Ross", which was the first episode I ever saw. It may not have warped me for life in the same way that "Sesame Street" and "The Prisoner" did, but it was one of those pieces of television that, when you see it as a small child, still sticks with your forever. > Mr. Blind Spot likes to stymy my attempts at reading the warning labels > on the pain killer bottles. I can tell there are letters there... but I > can't tell which words they form. BATMAN, WAKE UP! YOU FORGOT IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAGINE YOU CAN READ LETTERS WHILE YOU'RE DREAMING! IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION! > Then the goblin that lives in my skull has enough and kicks them out of > my eyeball with his steeltoe boot of PAIN. That reminds me, I need to get new steel-toed boots. I've worn mine out. (Who should I stop kicking?) -- K. clomp clomp clomp clomp clomp STOMP! "Kibo's off-off-Broadway version of 'Stomp' is like the original without all that rhythm, which is more than made up for by the scene where he kicks Randy Newman until he composes a song which doesn't sound completely identical to all the other ones. It's a hoot and a half! Sincerely, Frank Rich. I am not a pervert." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a new crayon Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:25:08 -0500 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Has anyone (well... other than Kibo) seen the strobing herringbone snake > > that lives in my eyeball? > > Once, in high school, when the air conditioning went out and it was > about 99 degrees in there and I was feeling dehydrated, I got a thing > shaped sort of like a map of Cuba filled with oscillating magenta and > violet jimmies. Scared the hell out of me. That's what it was meant to do. It was Valis's way of telling you that Zebra/Aramchek in orbit around Alpha Centauri wanted you to know that the Communists were trying to get you to smear hot cocoa on your baby's forehead unless he was baby Jesus in which case you'd have to eat him, and then Fat Freddy's Cat would eat you and then the Roman soldiers in Moon boots would invade your apartment just to blow up your filing cabinet because you didn't feel like doing your taxes. But then you'd go insane from staring at the Sun reflecting off a shiny bumper sticker while you're overdosing on Vitamin A and microwaving a cup of spaghetti and spilling your Mountain Dew all over the counter. Also, I bet I have been more dehydrated than you. -- K. One of my favorite conclusions about the nature of human existence is this: Everyone hallucinates ALL the time. Everything you see isn't quite right. So sit back and enjoy the shimmery snakes! You don't have to pretend they're real, you just have to not be afraid to say "Ooh, my brain wants me to see some pretty colors today." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a new crayon Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 23:31:34 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You don't have to pretend they're real, you just have to not be > > afraid to say "Ooh, my brain wants me to see some pretty colors today." > > Stop anthorpomorphizing your brain!! Well, see, I only say silly things like that when I let my mind wander. And I shouldn't do that, because it's too little to be out alone! OH! ZING! OH WHAT A ZINGER! I ZINGED MYSELF! KA-ZINGGGG! ZINGO! ZOWIE ZEE ZINGO ZA-ZIM-ZAM-ZOOM!!!! DOUBLE ZIZZLE ZINGIZZLE!!!!!! And I only start babbling like THAT when I've painted myself into a corner and don't know what to say next. Unless I discover a secret escape route like THIS paragraph, which SEAMLESSLY segues into a discussion of an orange cone I saw! There was this orange cone? And it was 3/4 buried into the ground because it was marking the location of a hole? And it was really really cold outside? So frost was growing on the edge of the little hole at the top of the cone, where the edge faces inwards? And a bunch of frost crystals were all growing towards each other across the top of the cone? And that made the hole real small? And I didn't have my camera with me that day? And now I'll never see that same phenomenon again and I'm so broken up about it that I'm asking questions that aren't even questions? STOP. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. IF YOU DID NOT ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS YOU WILL NEVER GET INTO COLLEGE. -- K. And THAT'S how I feel about my brain tonight. Maybe I should divorce it... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: laptop user manual Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2004 16:36:50 -0500 no@identity.com wrote: > > Quote: > In the position indicated in the example above by the *, the space > left between the characters indicates that a space needs to be left in > the entry by pressing the space bar (the long key with nothing written > on it at the center of the front of the keyboard). You mean the trackpad button? If pressing the space bar makes an "*", when should I press the asterisk key? Never, or someday? -- K. Also, I don't have any long keys, just one really _wide_ key. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 00:56:50 -0500 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I went to the local market today. On the way home, I saw two elderly > women leaning on their walkers trying to make their way through the snow. > I stepped aside to let them pass and smiled at them and cheerily said > "Have a good afternoon!" The first one replied with "Yeah, right" and > the second one just glared at me. > > So I shoved them into oncoming traffic. Ah, a typical day in Toronto. I think the United States should follow Canada's lead and perform the same social experiment. Let's see if we can also fool the rest of the world into thinking we're a bunch of polite, mild-mannered, tidy, obedient civic-minded people by concentrating all our rudeness and cussing in our most-important-but-not-the-capital city, New York. (Yes, we currently have it outside of New York too.) -- K. I'm typing this on the subway and I'm the only person here to have a laptop computer OR a leather biker jacket, so people have no idea which reason to be most scared of me. I could be a nerd, or I could just beat them up while yelling "Ayyy!" They're all thinking "Uh oh, a tough guy with really thick glasses. Wish he weren't wearing a hat so we could tell if he has a Mohawk that matches the orange Manic Panic in his beard so we could figure out whether he's a punk-wannabe or just abnormal." People don't know WHAT to think about me! And I don't either! I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:07:22 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They're all thinking "Uh oh, a tough guy with really thick > > glasses. Wish he weren't wearing a hat so we could tell if he has > > a Mohawk that matches the orange Manic Panic in his beard so we > > could figure out whether he's a punk-wannabe or just abnormal." > > I wish I could be Kibo. "HAW HAW! THAT IS SO GAY!" Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Still, it was worth it just to zing someone. I reapplied the Manic Panic dye last night so now my beard is much oranger. Goes nice with my blackish hair and the steel-colored eyes. Makes the eyes look more intense. I said, MAKES THE EYES! LOOK! MORE! INTENSE! ARRRRRRRRR! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!!!! Sorry, for a moment I turned into a robot pirate or something else from the future as predicted by all that children's TV we watched before you decided you wanted to be me. -- K. (ever get the feeling that maybe there's something I'm always ALMOST ready to talk about?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 04:49:45 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > In my neck of Toronto I have twice had men pee in my general direction > since moving here in October. The first time was in December when I was > coming out of the back of my building and the second was the other night > when I was on my way to the drugstore to buy juice and milk. And I'm > talking turning to face me and laughing, not slightly embarassed to have > been caught urinating in the outdoors. > > Toronto is not a noticeably nice city. It has a reputation within Canada for being the one part of Canada that's rude enough to be part of America. Americans view Canada as our country's largest suburb, while Canada views the United States as this big thing that contaminated Toronto. Of course, Toronto has a lot of sweet people (like Tamara!) But you don't get those Edmonton-like or even Ottawa-like levels of unnerving, pathological friendliness. The kind that scares Boston or New York City residents when people are nice to you just because they like being nice to you. (In the U.S., that only happens in backwaters like Minneapolis. In New York and Boston, people pee all over you all the time, especially in bars, elevators, and at the opera.) The interactions in most of Canada are exactly like this: TYPICAL CANADIAN: Hi. AMERICAN (startled): Wuh? TYPICAL CANADIAN: Hello. Sorry to have walked past you on this sidewalk. I'll walk backwards for a while so I can take this time to welcome you to our country. AMERICAN (scared stupid): Buh? TYPICAL CANADIAN: I just baked you a spruce pie. Do you want to take any of my stuff? I have a new TV set that could be better used for all those swell channels you get. America is splendid and please try not to invade us, unless at least one of you wants to. Toronto is more like Boston or New York City: TYPICAL NEW YORKER: Fuck you! MIDWESTERNER (shocked): I beg your pardon, sir? TYPICAL NEW YORKER: No, fuck YOU! MIDWESTERNER: Excuse me, sir? TYPICAL NEW YORKER: And fuck the horse you rode in on too! MIDWESTERNER: My horse done gone an' died! TYPICAL NEW YORKER: Good! (Puts on a top hat and a monocle, then drives off in a Rolls-Royce that says "PLANTERS" on the side.) And don't get me started on how everyone in California pretends to be happy all the time (hiding a deep empty loneliness which, if openly confronted, would drive them permanently insane and make them all turn into Manson family members or at least vote for a kill-crazed weightlifter.) -- K. NOT BITTER ABOUT LIVING ON THE ONLY CONTINENT WITH THIS MANY KINDS OF WEIRDOS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 01:46:02 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, Toronto has a lot of sweet people (like Tamara!) > > But you don't get those Edmonton-like or even Ottawa-like levels > > of unnerving, pathological friendliness. > > I'll be quite happy then to move to Ottawa where golden showers are not > handed out free on the streets. The only negative experience I ever had > in Ottawa was when the cops told my friends and I politely not to stand > on the Eternal Flame monument. The only time I got hassled in Ottawa was when I made the mistake of getting off the plane there while already wearing a Senators jersey. Obviously that marked me as some sort of weirdo because no Americans wear hockey jerseys when they're not at a game, as opposed to Canadians who sleep and shower in theirs. Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > True story -- a few years back, IN OTTAWA, I was crossing one of the many > bridges on foot. I heard a shrill whistle and looked down and there was a > guy smiling at me happily while spanking his monkey. Was he near the Ottawa end of the bridge or the Gatineau (Hull) end of the bridge? If the latter, was he wearing a T-shirt that said, in French, something about liking the second "Asterix" movie better than the good one? > The worst (or funniest, depending on how you look at it) thing that ever > happened to me in Toronto, short of being solicited for sex and almost being > mugged while walking with Kibo on Yonge Street, (Note: I was not the one who solicited and mugged her.) > was that I was flashed by a guy wearing a trench coat and a bra. > This happened on Bloor near Sherbourne. I just laughed! I got groped once right outside Cheers(TM), but you don't hear me bragging. I so would have punched the guy in the face if I didn't have two armfuls of groceries. And the a-hole just kept on walking without even saying "Thanks for not punching me after I proved myself to be incapable of understanding even basic societal norms." -- K. I've never punched anyone in the face, but I certainly could, especially if I've just seen a good Senators game. I wish I could punch people from eight feet away like Zdeno Chara. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 18:46:28 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've never punched anyone in the face, > > You have missed out on what can sometimes be a truly satisfying > experience. "sometimes"? What are you, a sicko who sometimes feels unnecessary guilt after beating up an idiot? You're not a MAN, you're a SENSITIVE MAN! Also, I'd like to make a correction -- I have never punched anyone OTHER THAN MYSELF in the face, and I've only ever slugged myself in the mouth by accident when the pliers slipped off the piece of armor I was constructing. -- K. You know you're watching a really bad movie when you keep thinking about a list of what order you'd punch everyone involved with the making of that movie. If you don't believe me, watch "No Dessert Dad 'Til You Mow The Lawn". By they time they got to the "funny" scene where they were shooting each other in the face with paintball guns at point-blank range while wearing safety goggles which covered only the tops of their hair, I was ready to not just punch everyone who worked on that movie, but also all their friends and relatives. But fortunately most of the time I can control my anger until I'm in a socially-appropriate venue for it. (It's OKAY to punch people ON THE INTERNET!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 01:41:42 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > the last time I punched someone in the face was on my 30th birthday. > > > > You want to tell us what happened on your thirtieth birthday? > > I thought you'd never ask. > > I was living in New Hampster at the time, attending grad school at the > U of New Hampster. I had gotten onto a mild excercise kick, if > excercise can be described as doing a few stretches and then going > over to the basketball court at the subsidized-housing apartment > complex that was just past the 1800-era cemetery behind the apartment > complex my wife and I lived in. [...] > > I liked it that nobody ever played basketball on that court. I could > run up and down it in solitude, shoot baskets, and get some exercise. > Simple and enjoyable. > > Anyway, I'm shooting baskets and getting sweaty and all huffy-puffy, > as a slightly pudgy 30-year-old is likely to get, when two d00ds in > their early 20s came riding up on bikes. One of them said, "Hey, let > us shoot some." > > I tossed him the ball, and they each took a couple shots. Then the > other d00d said, "Come on, let's play some one-on-one." I said, "No, > not interested. I'm just an old fat guy trying to get a little > exercise. Gimme the ball." > > They got all offended, and tossed the ball back to me. One d00d got up > in my face and said, "You don't have to be a dick about it." "You don't know me very well, do you?" That's what I would say. In fact, I'd _have_ to say that. > So I executed a perfect two-handed pass from about 18 inches away, > aiming for his nose but managing instead to split his lip. I punched > him in the face a couple times (that's the satisfying part I was > telling Kibo about), and then waded in, catching a punch over my right > eye. He fell to the ground, with me on top, and I pulled my right arm > back to see if I couldn't drive the back of his head a few inches into > the ground. I was unable to complete this scientific experiment > because someone had grabbed hold of my arm. Mmm, an experiment in pain caused by sporting goods. That's almost as good as finding a way to combine hockey with a science museum to get a place where you can find out how different scientists would react when speared with a hockey stick. > I figured it was his friend, piling on, so I tried to pull my arm away > while at the same time turning my upper body toward him, guessing that > I was about to get drilled in the back of the neck or head. > > Turns out it was a cop hanging off my arm. A big cop who just happened > to be driving by. Hey! You stole those last two sentences from "Penthouse Forum"! And I'm a little suspicious about "I was about to get drilled in the back of the neck or head," too. Do you always expect to get squicked on your birthday? > I explained as best I could (I get incoherent when I'm really, really > angry) Did you use the nonsense swear words "rowrbazzle", "brassle-fracking", or "consarn it" at any point? > that I was just minding my own business when these guys started > screwing with me. The cop offered to take us all to jail unless we > thought it better to go our separate ways. That seemed logical, so the > d00ds pedalled away. I shot a few more baskets, but it wasn't much fun > any more. Then I went home and explained to my wife how I got the cut > over my eye and scratches on my knee. Again, Penthouse Forum, last two sentences. > She was sort of stunned, but then again, we had only been married for > a couple years. She knows me better now. Forum. Both sentences. Stop stealing sentences in pairs! And please for the love of Pete, stop squicking on your birthday! It is unhealthy for adults and other living things even if it's your special day! Now please go to the hockey science museum and find out if Albert Einstein could make a "cup save" off one of Brett Hull's shots. -- K. HEY EINSTEIN, SHUT YER FIVE-HOLE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 23:08:59 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I've never punched anyone in the face, > > > > > > You have missed out on what can sometimes be a truly satisfying > > > experience. > > > > "sometimes"? What are you, a sicko who sometimes feels unnecessary guilt > > after beating up an idiot? You're not a MAN, you're a SENSITIVE MAN! > > Not at all. I was trying to take into account those times when I was > punched someone in the face while he was simultaneously BEATING HELL > OUT OF ME. It hasn't happened often, because I try to avoid such > situations, but it has happened. I never get beat up. You know why? Because I wear glasses! > BTW, the last time I punched someone in the face was on my 30th > birthday. I'm now 45, so don't be thinking I go around punching people > in the face a lot. Or I might have to begin. I don't like you any more. But do tell me about this wonderful 30th birthday experience. Did they ask for it by giving you a stupid gift, like half of a Hickory Farms gift box? > > Also, I'd like to make a correction -- I have never punched anyone > > OTHER THAN MYSELF in the face, and I've only ever slugged myself > > in the mouth by accident when the pliers slipped off the piece of > > armor I was constructing. > > You're not trying hard enough to injure yourself while using tools. > Try using the pliers as a hammer next time, and the hammer as a pair > of pliers. That usually works for self-inflicted injuries. Um, actually, I have been known to set rivets by whacking a giant pair of pliers with a sledgehammer. But that's okay because the pliers have long enough handles that I can stand back a ways as long as the pliers don't shatter and send pieces flying, which I'm sure will happen someday, given that when just working pliers with my hands I keep breaking them. The pliers, not my hands. BENDING METAL IS HARD! I'm right-handed but my left wrist is wider than my right wrist, so stressing the right hand might help them even out. -- K. My wrists are both pretty skinny, because I'm built like a preying mantis. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo Killed Captain Kangaroo Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:13:28 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > That's right. Kibo himself appears to have wielded the Death Ray in > Message ID . Sorry! As punishment, Slim Goodbody's going to padlock me into a tight leather bodysuit with internal organs tied around it. And then either the moose or the rabbit puppet will dump Ping-Pong balls on my head (I can't remember which one was the evil puppet.) Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan was a truly great guy, even if he was in a movie with Tom Arnold ("The Stupids"). He and Mr. Rogers and the original "Sesame Street" were so much better than modern children's TV, and now all three of them are gone (there's still a "Sesame Street" on the air, but it's bad now.) Bob Keeshan was an outspoken critic of modern kids' shows (he refused to have any involvement with a revival of "Captain Kangaroo" in the 1990s because it was produced by the people who make the violent "Might Morphin' Power Rangers".) He was the only REAL Captain Kangaroo. Like Mr. Rogers, he spent his life telling kids it was okay to express their feelings and that it's nice to be nice to people. He was swell. -- K. The article in question was an explanation of my Christmas 2002 story (the one where Einstein went medieval.) I'm not sure who I'll kill if I ever choose to explain the Christmas 2003 story (the only one that's ever gotten kinky.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Hate Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:13:40 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Brane: > > 1. Ladder of Hate. > 2. ladders. > 3. Burgertime! > 4. Watch out for that dancing pickle, throw the pepper! > 5. What is that egg-looking thing? > 6. Walk through the bun,make it soggy,watch it fall. > 7. All burgers complete. Dance. > > irstupid, > > Brendan B Connor Why would anyone want to eat giant hamburgers that you've been walking on? Why would throwing pepper at a pickle paralyze it, since real pickles love pepper? Why is there a fried egg involved at any level of hamburger-making? "BurgerTime" dates from the early 1980s, back before video games developed perfectly logical plots. Now only pinball machines have incoherent plots (except for the fact that there aren't any more pinball machines) and video games make perfect sense, just like all "Star Trek" episodes, especially "The Alternative Factor" and "Mudd's Women". Now, "Mad Planets", there was one of the few arcade video games from the "BurgerTime" era that had a clear, lucid plot. Especially the part about the planet Kryptophan hucking its moons at you while God lobs a mixture of 50% comets and 50% astronauts at you from outside the Universe, within which everything orbits in a gravity well which has nothing at its center, except for your ship which can move in any direction while firing in any other which is wrong because real spaceships can't back up. -- K. Also, what's the deal with "Tempest"? I can't find Caliban anywhere or even Robbie The Robot! Still, there's something so viscerally satisfying about spinning a knob to make things die. I always liked how the game's sound effects were drowned out by the knob going "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My building just burned. Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 01:21:23 -0500 Just wanted to let you know that the 6th floor of my apartment building had what the firefighters called "a serious fire". (I live on the 7th.) There were about 20 assorted fire/police/rescue vehicles here with flashing lights. Ladders and hoses up to the 6th floor where someone's apartment was burning. (Thankfully, it was the opposite end of the building from me, and the sprinklers did not go off in my apartment, but now my clothes smell like the basement of the Hickory Farms factory.) I don't have any details on what happened, but I just wanted to say I'm okay and I did NOT die. -- K. That's because this isn't Las Vegas, where every day at least three different casinos mysteriously burn down without ANY help from the mob. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:09:02 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > If only Hallmark made an "I'm very glad you didn't burn to death" card, I > > would send one. There's all sorts of cards that they don't make (yet), > > like "Thanks for destroying the negatives, as you promised" and > > "Congratulations on getting a new Bejeweled high score" and "Sorry I made > > you feel guilty by sending lots of unreciprocated cards". > > Damn, Kibo, I was about to send out the Hallmark "I'm very glad you did > burn to death" card and then you had to go and post and say you didn't > die. So I guess I'll just be glad you didn't die, instead. I dyed my beard. Does that count? I wish I didn't have to go all the way across town to buy Manic Panic. The drugstores here just have human shades of hair dye. And my current favorite color is "Electric Lava" (it's a blotchy orange that glows under a blacklight, although I didn't pick it because of its fluorescence, I picked it because it's a little translucent to allow the natural shading of my hair to show through a little, making it not one of those solid crayon oranges that only professional clowns wear.) > So, you should start your own investigation of this fire. I can > envision you poking around the scene of the fire like Columbo. Was the > fire an act of terrorism? If you start a rumor to that effect, will it > get the Department of Fa^H^HHomeland Security involved? Do you have any > enemies? Enemies who post on this newsgroup? Anyone who said that they > were trying to annoy you and posted the message "poke poke poke"? > Anyone who said you were "asking for it"? Or perhaps, do you have > enemies who know the number of the floor you live on but have trouble > counting? Have you taken any photos of the fire trucks? Were there > any cones there? Did you get photos of the cones? All these important > questions. I was planning to go look at the 6th floor this morning, but I forgot because I had to run out the door really fast because I was late for an appointment after my alarm clock had trouble waking me up from a dream where Al Roker was about to congratulate me on quitting a crappy job at The Weather Channel when I won $4.3 million dollars in some sort of raffle sponsored by the Big Dig (another very minor cost over-run.) If there's any major devastation on the 6th, I hope they don't clean it up before I get back home in a few hours. I tried to take photos of the fire trucks, but it was dark outside except for all the strobe lights, and it was really really cold, and I couldn't hold the camera steady enough to take one of those really long exposures of a bunch of strobe lights hovering in darkness and my fingers would have gone numb if I had tried to light-meter and manually expose it. I did not see any cones, except for the ones which were already around my building before the fire. Also, at the moment, I'm not dressed like Columbo. I look more like Jack Black in "The Neverending Story 3" -- you know, the high school bully in his mid-'30s with a bald spot and a squeaky clean leather jacket they're going to return to the store right after they spend three days filming the lousy movie. And one more thing... both of my eyes are real, even though, as I've mentioned earlier today, they both look like robot eyes because for some reason most of the blue color has faded away leaving me with nice metallic irises. BE SEEING YOU. -- K. (...especially if you keep standing on the other side of that flimsy brick wall, puny hu-man.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 02:44:57 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (notr@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > they both look like robot eyes because for some reason most of the > > > blue color has faded away leaving me with nice metallic irises. > > > > No wonder I like you. That steely blue eye color was one of the things > > that first attracted me to my wife. I'm sorry, I don't think we can get married, at least not in Massachusetts. There is no law on the books granting exceptions based solely on one of the guys having really cool eyes. > > I never thought about it in terms of actual magnetism before, though. > > With Kibo that's not magnetism. Radiation, maybe. And, Glenn, the other reason we shouldn't get married is that in my case, it's not regular magnetism, it's sadomagnetism. -- K. My eyes look like zinc, nature's most precious gift to industry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 18:54:05 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Announcement: "Sadomagnetism" is my new watchword. At least for the > > > next week or so. > > > > Like I'm supposed to ignore this. > > I tried working it into casual conversation today, but the results > were uneven. Yeah, it's only appropriate in formal conversation, like here on a.r.k. -- K. Sadomagnetists never do anything casually. When they're rubbing refrigerator magnets all over you, they take themselves very seriously, or at least as seriously as a person holding a refrigerator magnet can, which isn't very seriously, especially if little Johnny's drawings from Sunday School are now lying on the kitchen floor. I just bought a pair of new electric hair clippers that brag that they have an "electromagnetic motor". I'm glad I didn't get the kind that runs on magic. They also brag about having "carbon steel" blades, and it made me sad to learn that the Bronze Age might be ending. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 22:48:48 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And, Glenn, the other reason we shouldn't get married is that in my case, > > it's not regular magnetism, it's sadomagnetism. > > Announcement: "Sadomagnetism" is my new watchword. At least for the > next week or so. Yeah, but what's your safeword? I've been telling people to say "I'lldriveyoutoWhiteCastlerightnowsir." -- K. Poor Spot! He tried to scream out his safeword, but instead kept yelling a stopword! "The!" wailed Spot. "And! Of! For! That! A! An!" Then he blacked out, swallowed his tongue, died of skin suffocation, and was reincarnated as the word "a", which is very useless word. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 02:59:07 -0500 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I embarassed an entire van full of Head Start teachers on a field trip > > once by wondering how you could use the safeword "Mickey Mouse". > > "Wouldn't it sound like 'Mfffy Mfff'?" I said. Also, the word "cooter" > > slipped into the conversation. No one hung around me at all that day. > > BEST FIELD TRIP EVAR. > > OH NO! Stacia's offensive comments RUINED a perfectly good field trip to > the latex factory! How do you expect the kids to take sadomasochism > seriously if you keep making jokes?! Latex isn't made in a factory. It's made in a hollow tree by special little elves. Whenever a balloon pops, it's reincarnated as one of them. If you really wanted to spoil the trip to the latex factory for the kids, you should have pointed out that Bert and Ernie are both made of foam latex in order to ruin "Sesame Street" just as much. Although, recently, the makers of "Sesame Street" spoiled our fun by ruining "Sesame Street" on their own. -- K. Also, safewords are for KIDS. Besides, you can't remember how to say whole words when you're far out into headspace. Hey, you're sure it was the Head Start van and not the headspace van? Was it a Sam & Criminy Kraffft production with three f's in Letraset Croissant, a font that is only used in TV parodies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 01:56:33 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish I didn't have to go all the way across town to buy Manic Panic. > > The drugstores here just have human shades of hair dye. And my current > > favorite color is "Electric Lava" (it's a blotchy orange that glows [...] > > ... um, I have a theory. > > Kibo, could you please dye your beard blue? just to see what happens? > > oh, any Bostonian Kibologists might want to make sure everything they > own is securely tied down and won't float away. But then someone will have to go back in time and make Suetonius change that chapter to begin with a story about how in 498 BC some guy's beard turned blue so that more than five and a half centuries later, Rome would be destroyed by a flood while Jack Benny played the fiddle and Wilma Flintstone (having arrived in a different time machine) watched from the front row of the seats in the gladiatorial arena and that would be wrong because it would render "The Flintstones" historically inaccurate because women weren't allowed to sit in the front. -- K. I am, however, tempted to stop dyeing my beard nuclear orange and just do my whole head in blue and black zebra stripes, except that fluorescent blue just isn't too bright. Could someone please invent a better fluorescent blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 23:59:21 -0500 John Schmidt (js@saltmine.radix.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney wrote: > > > > I was actually considering, if briefly, what I would look like if the > > white streaks at my temples (which look like a cross between a miniature > > Bride of Frankenstein and a miniature Vincent Price, as streaks go) were > > instead a deep deep blue. > > You oughta dye a white stripe around the back of your head > connecting the patches at your temples. Hey, why not combine the two? White horizontal stripe across the back of your head. And four blue stripes and four black stripes, half above the white stripe, half below. It would work best if you had a Gorbachev-style strawberry on your forehead shaped like a little Care Bears belly heart. (So, Dave, now you know how it feels when someone tries to recruit YOU!) Also, forget Vincent Price. The guy who played Dr. Cyclops, now there's someone you could have a lot of fun emulating (not the hair, though.) -- K. I can't remember the actor's name, just the really perverted details of his death. Sickies make the best mad scientists! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 04:06:42 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And one more thing... > > all three of my eyes are real, even though, as I've mentioned earlier > > today, they all look like robot eyes because for some reason most of > > the blue color has faded away leaving me with nice metallic irises. > > I adjusted your concept for you. I should know not to say "one more thing" when mentioning any countable body parts. Thanks for giving me that extra eye, Victor Borge, I'll need it if I ever want to be able to see four-dimensional images (two eyes can see 3-D, so three eyes can see 4-D.) > Per haps your magentic personality has finally depolarized the protein > chains shared by bluejays into a form that LETS YOUR BRANE SHINE THROUGH > > no, never mind, worst scientific-exposition limerick ever I don't have any genetic material in common with blue jays. If I did, that woman wouldn't have threatened to throw me in jail for wanting to visit the CN Tower in Toronto. I guess they knew I dislike baseball and, by association with the Maple Leafs, a general animosity towards all Toronto sports teams, so they thought I was going to go up the CN Tower and spit on the Blue Jays (the SkyDome is right below the observation deck, and usually has an open roof during the six days Toronto has summer.) I think that basically my eye pigmentation has been fading as I've aged. My hair, on the other hand, only developed dark pigmentation when I was several years old (I had bright orange hair when I was a small child, before it darkened to brownish-black. That's one reason I'm comfortable with my dyed-orange beard, I was born a redhead.) I haven't seen this sort of steely eye color on too many other people, but I love it because it looks science-fictiony. And the weak coloration of the irises really brings out the complexity of the detail within (such as the subtle difference of tint between the inner and outer edges of the iris.) I did seriously think about getting bright orange contacts a while ago, but I eventually decided that my eyes look intense enough in their natural state, wearing fake eyes wouldn't be as interesting. -- K. Now apologize for altering my quote, because you're going to make Google cry when they discover this first contradiction in their archives. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 23:36:46 -0500 Eleven hours ago, I wrote: > > I was planning to go look at the 6th floor this morning, but I forgot > [...] If there's any major devastation on the 6th, I hope > they don't clean it up before I get back home in a few hours. I got home just now (which is why the above was only posted an hour ago) but I changed out of my "outdoors in freezing weather" clothes and went exploring on the floor below. Everything smells like smoke, and the carpet is gone, with one of those big industrial blowers set up to get rid of the damp and the smoke. One of the apartments is missing its doorknob (due to fireman damage.) There is no major damage to the corridor, I think that basically just the interior of one apartment burned. All the smoke went outside, so the parking lot smells smoky but the building's interior isn't too bad except right on the 6th floor. There was a reporter sticking a TV camera in my face last night, so I ordered my TiVo to get me two different newscasts this morning. One said that the fire burned "several units" of the building and that "two hundred" residents had to stand outside in the freezing weather, while the other emphasized that the firemen had no trouble putting out the tiny blaze that inconvenienced "dozens" of residents. (The actual number of people standing there must have been well over 500. This building is over 20 stories, and most people would have been at home at the time.) One of the newscasts mentioned that one resident is now homeless, but apparently everybody survived. I did not show up on either newscast in my dorky Hudson Bay Trading Company fur-lined hat (purchased in Ottawa during an even more severe cold snap.) The surprising thing is that, when the alarm went off, I sent the E-mail I was typing, got dressed in a hurry and ran down the stairs -- without taking my laptop computer. I need to either remember to take it next time, or at least make some backups and keep them at my office. -- K. Does anyone else live in a total fucking deathtrap? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 22:53:19 -0500 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just wanted to let you know that the 6th floor of my apartment > > building had what the firefighters called "a serious fire". (I live > > on the 7th.) > > The 7th floor has no serious fires, only WACKY fires, so it's fortunate the > conflagration didn't spread. The smell of burning rubber chickens and > singed roller-skating chimps will teach a man to hate. And don't forget all the toxic substances used by medieval metalsmiths like me. I have a jar of "liver of sulfur" for blacking armor, and lots of silver solder containing cadmium, and of course a big jug of lye. If my apartment had burned, it would have caused an ecological disaster which might have done dozens of dollars in damage. Not to mention that all my chain mail would have melted down into a shiny new carpet. > > I don't have any details on what happened, but I just wanted to say > > I'm okay and I did NOT die. > > If only Hallmark made an "I'm very glad you didn't burn to death" card, I > would send one. There's all sorts of cards that they don't make (yet), > like "Thanks for destroying the negatives, as you promised" and > "Congratulations on getting a new Bejeweled high score" and "Sorry I made > you feel guilty by sending lots of unreciprocated cards". I know, I keep looking for "Sorry about the Stockholm Syndrome." and "Sorry I used my telekinetic powers to keep my end of this deathtrap building from catching fire my moving all the flames to your end of the building with the power of my..." (and then they'd open it up and a little computer chip would yell "LASERBRAIN!" and some tiny LEDs would blink until the battery died, assuming it survived the mail.) -- K. Some of those tiny batteries are really just silver dragees that have been squished a little. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: People who like cheese way too much. Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 22:57:06 -0500 From the Wisconsin Rapids Daily Tribune: -> Any day's a good day for cheese -> -> Cheese Day is one of those days that may not draw much attention aside -> from the opportunity to send a funny e-card, but for many in Wisconsin -> Rapids, any day is a good day for cheese. And any day is a good day for someone to smack some sense into those cheese-addled Wisconsonites who haven't yet realized that cheese is a false good and also highly toxic to people and other human things. -> "My favorite type of cheese is provolone, and it's best on French onion -> soup," said Stephanie Jinksy, Wisconsin Rapids. "I like cheese on -> sandwiches too." And I like you QUIET, you LOSER!!! -> For others, like Zach Vruwink, of Wisconsin Rapids, it's too hard to -> choose just one. Hey, Mr. Scrabble Word, you should find some better intellectual stimulation. Make a more important decision, like whether or not you should move to a better state that doesn't have cheese. -> "I have two favorites. I like cheese curds and cheddar with bacon," -> Vruwink said. "I like it plain and I don't mind it on crackers either." A RINGING ENDORSEMENT FOR A FOOD WHICH SOME GUY DOES NOT OBJECT TO ON CRACKERS! -> Cheese and crackers is as good a snack as any, said Maynard Paterick, of -> Wisconsin Rapids. His wife, Hannah Paterick, is fond of Colby cheese on -> rye cocktail bread. Your kink is not OK! It is wrong to cheat on your husband with cheese! -> "I like cheddar on wheat crackers," Paterick said. "It's nice because we -> have a place right in our area we can get fresh cheese. We always go to -> Rudolph (Dairy State Cheese) to buy our cheese." There is no such thing as "fresh cheese", unless they mean milk. Doesn't the act of making cheese involve stirring some mildew into milk and then spitting into the vat to encourage eight different kinds of deadly Cheez Mold Bacteria Virus Germs Of Ick to grow until the milk goes rancid, dies, and turns into zombified cheese? -> Still for others, cheese makes the perfect addition to any meal. Not one which already contains too much cheese. And I maintain that ALL meals already contain too much cheese. Parve food contains too much cheese! -> "I use it mostly for garnish on spaghetti, tacos and hamburgers," said -> Anne Arndt, Biron. "I like cojack (fusion of Colby and Monterey Jack -> cheese)." NOBODY LOVES YA, BABY. -- K. I'd run for President on a "No More Cheese!" platform, except that I don't want to be President because the White House comes with a fancy chef who puts cheese in food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.games.whitewolf,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And now I'm 21 years old. Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 22:53:23 -0500 In alt.games.whitewolf and alt.religion.kibology, Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > alt.games.whitewolf is the newsgroup most likely to have inhabitants > > who believe Kibo is fictional character. > > Although they changed that in the latest edition. Oh. What do they say about me now? Or did they just replace me with something nerdier, like a giant photo of a bumper sticker saying "Member Of The Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Styofoam Dodecahedron" next to a picture of a rhombic tricontahedron, snub cube, gyrobifastigium, or other wacky non-Platonic solid? I tell you, blind dating on the Internet is hard when you're the only person who has a string of six contiguous plus signs in his Geek Code (www.geekcode.com) and you try to be anonymous but the other person spots that "K++++++" and says, "Hey! Stop pretending to be Kibo! You're not nearly the total loser he is! Go away!" That's why I never use a fake name. Sincerely, Kibo. -- K. alt.religion.kibology is the newsgroup most likely to have inhabitants who believe Kibo is a cartoon character (but not fictional.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.games.whitewolf,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And now I'm 21 years old. Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 01:38:32 -0500 Vis Sierra (visitant@geocities.com) wrote: > > Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > alt.games.whitewolf is the newsgroup most likely to have inhabitants who > > believe Kibo is fictional character. > > Slight correction: alt.games.whitewolf's the newsgroup whose > inhabitants are most likely to have fictional characters who > believe in Kibo. I'd rather have fictional characters believe in me than have real people believe I'm a fictional character. Although, the point is moot, because all you people are imaginary, and I'm just talking to myself while crushing buildings with my 500-foot-long amphibious assault tank which has a hundred video arcades in its basement. -- K. You guys should stop pretending you're not imaginary! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News of the DUH!!! Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 23:07:11 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And in answer to all the E-mails asking what a "Wartenberg wheel" is, > > You're on the Internet and you see a term you never heard of. So what > do you do? You ask Kibo. Naturally. I'm guessing the emails went > something like this: > > "Dear Kibo, > > "Hi! So, what's a Wartenberg wheel anyway? And do you know where I > can find a pack of those tubular white balloons? I love to make > balloon animals. My favorite is the doggie with two backs." I think I need to make up my own new pride flag just so that kinky people would cry at not knowing what it meant because they weren't perverted enough. It would be something like an orange horizontal stripe above a gray horizontal stripe, both bisected by a teal diagonal stripe, with a transparent inflatable doggie making the five little holes in a White Castle burger with a Wartenberg wheel while wearing hats on his feet and riding a surfboard in outer space while saying "STOP CASTING POROSITY!" in a speech balloon where "STOP CASTING POROSITY!" is misspelled as "NOV SCHMOZ KA POP!" oh and the flag would be woven entirely from bacon. The flag would also be available as a patch, a bumper sticker, a tattoo, and as a teddy bear that changes color and smokes real cigarettes when you dip it in warm water and every one would come with its own certificate of authenticity buy also the certificate of authenticity would come with a certificate of inauthenticity saying "THE OTHER CERTIFICATE IS A LIE, AND ALSO, START CASTING POROSITY" and people would get really confused but even so it would be less confusing for them if I told them what I was actually into which may or may not involve casting porosity whether or not bacon is involved. -- K. "Mmm, kinky bacon..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My TV is bigger than yours Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 01:19:33 -0500 Jaffo (jaffo4@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Subject: My TV is bigger than yours > > ...as far as you know. So what you're saying is: Your penis is smaller than mine. > I just got a larger TV. Now, if I specify how large this TV is, I run > the risk of dampening the impact of my statement, but if I leave this > ambiguous, I can count on basic human insecurity to interpolate the > size of my TV. > > Because as we all know, in the absence of data, human beings will > assume that, in the absence of evidence, my TV must be larger than > yours. > > I must say I was reluctant to mention this at all, because there is, > in fact, a more elevated form of humanity that does not watch > television at all. These people are so wealthy, smart, and emotionally > well-adjusted that they are above the whole concept of television. Yeah, but I'm above those people. > Thus, they win by losing. I may have a gigantic 56-inch digital marvel > that can display Jenna Jameson's breasts in vibrating tactile 3-D, but > I would still be inferior to the people who are above the concept of > television entirely. My TV is a big projection unit which can project "The Simpsons" and "Lexx" and "TV Funhouse" across the entire surface of the Moon so that not only is my TV bigger than your whole neighborhood, it also forces all those losers who don't watch TV to watch TV. > In fact, if I really wanted to be cool, I could write a post about how > I had destroyed my TV, in an orgy of indignation and good taste. I > could write about all the vibrant, life-enhancing activities I could > engage in, now that I no longer have TV to consume my free time. And I bet that, if I put you in a time machine and sent you back 2000 years ago, you'd brag about how you could be telling everyone how boring orgies are. "Hey everyone, stop screwing so you can watch me yawn!" > Of course, most people who write posts like that are just spending an > extra six hours a day on the Internet -- but if you spend that six > hours writing about how cool and fulfilling your life is, you can > generate more envy per person than the guy who posts about his 56-inch > TV, at a much lower cost! Every time you say "56-inch TV", your penis gets .56 inches shorter. > There are sub-categories, of course. There's a subset of people who > "give up TV" so they can watch copious quantities of DVD movies. This > is still considered a superior social position, because as we all > know, television is stupid, but movies are smart and life-affirming. "Baby Geniuses". Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory by mentioning a movie about toddlers maimim grown-ups with pipe wrenches! > And the Internet, well, if you transfer six hours of leisure time from > television to the Internet, you can actually get credit for learning > during that time. No one knows you're downloading porn and starting > flame wars. > > Post about how you've given up television and installed a T1 in your > house, and people will assume you spend all day reading McSweeney's > and posting to the Howard Dean Blog for America. > > Thus, by giving up television for the Internet, you prove that not > only are you smarter than the average person, you also care more, and > caring trumps learning any day. > > Of course, we have another category of superiority behind renunciation > of television. We have people who renounce television in favor of > books. Paper books, purchased from classy urban bookstores and shipped > express from Amazon. > > Because, as well all know, the pecking order for respectability is: > Television -- Movies -- Internet -- Books. What about the books in the "TV YOU CAN READ" section at K-Mart? > So by this measure, a dumb book is better than a smart movie, and a > dumb movie is still better than a smart television program, because > you paid for it, and you didn't have to watch commercials. Um... maybe you should have gone to a movie sometime in the last decade. > This is why HBO is considered marginally superior to normal TV. > > Thus, you actually get people who say, "I don't watch mainstream > television, I only watch HBO" and expect to be praised for it. > > So, we have two factors here to determine relative coolness. You are > judged by what you consume, and by the quality of the equipment you > use to consume it. So, a person watching HBO on a 17-inch television > is roughly equal to a guy watching Cartoon Network on a 56-inch > digital set. Hey! Your penis just went negative! Now Alex Trebek is going to pull down your pants and openly mock your "deficit situation"! > So, what's the best choice, for a guy who has already admitted to > watching TV? I can't be California TV Renunciate cool, but by > remaining silent about the size of my television, I might still be > able to win on points. > > And if I remain silent about what I watch on television, you can > assume I watch CNN and PBS, with regular infusions of Sopranos and > Queer Eye. But there are only three episodes of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". I think the problem is they film it in New York City, where there are only three straight guys. > I can't tell you the truth, of course. The truth is, I watch mainly > Adult Swim and the History Channel. That's not too bad. You can assume > I mix a worldly appreciation of history with a dash of child-like > whimsy. > > The truth is, I mainly watch Justice League and Futurama, and I only > watch the history channel when they talk about barbarians or sex. > > I've grown bored with Queer Eye repeats, and I have never properly > appreciated the Sopranos. Also, sometimes I watch infomercials, mostly > when I'm too lazy to change the channel. > > Of course, I don't actually watch television. I only use it as > background noise while I consume thoughtful, intelligent commentary on > the Internet. GO WATCH TV!!! > I don't watch TV like ordinary middle-class people -- burping in my > underwear, Jaffo, those are farts. > scratching myself in time to anime voiceovers. I mean, you > know, I don't do that every day. I only do that when I'm home sick, or > trying to fall asleep, or when my internet connection is down, or when > I just don't feel like doing anything else. > > I have written this long essay to distract you from the humiliating > truth. I've just purchased a (used) 20-inch television, replacing the > tiny 13-inch TV set that my Mom sent me after my previous television > set tried to kill me. I really don't see how you can wank so much now that your penis has reached negative infinity timesed by a bazillion. > (Don't ask. It's a long story. Okay, real quick short version. I got > wrapped up in the coax cable for the old TV and pulled it down on top > of my foot six months ago, as I was hopping to the bathroom in the > dark at 3am. I wounded my foot, and I ripped the coax outlet out of > the back of the TV, so I guess, objectively, our battle was a draw.) > > The truth is, I don't want to be the kind of guy who gets excited > about an extra 7 inches of television viewing area. I want to be one > of those cool California people who spends their free time skydiving > and viewing independent films on DVD -- lounging around > tastefully-decorated apartments with people in black sweaters, sipping > wine and telling jokes in French. > > I am self-conscious about the amount of time I have spent viewing (and > quoting) moments from Family Guy, and I must confess that PBS puts me > into a deep, deep sleep. Dear Jaffo, You should be on PBS. > I wish I was one of those busy, sophisticated, type-A go-getters who > is too hip for TV, but instead, I'm watching an incomprehensible > Japanese cartoon, watching androgynous goobers with big eyes scream > and throw purple lightning at each other. > > I should turn it off and read a book. I was halfway through William > Gibson's Virtual Light, but after the first 100 pages, it all starts > to blur together into a tedious mass of environmental horror and > unpronounceable foreign names. > > I should be reading great works of literature, but if I tried to read > in my current mental state, I would fall into a deep, deep sleep, and > awake at 6am, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and utterly unprepared for my > normal work schedule. Poor baby. I usually have the stamina to stay awake past 6am, because I have multiple TiVos. -- K. Also, I don't have a "normal work schedule". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My all-time favorite piece of spam Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 18:27:22 -0500 At last, a spammer figured out what I really would invest all my money in: > From: "Terry" (vibrateam@nc.rr.com) > Reply-To: firstchoicemktg@nc.rr.com > Subject: LOOKING FOR LOLLIPOP MASS PRODUCTION > Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 12:41:54 -0500 And I am an adventurous single male open to new ideas and seeking a relationship to manufacture lollipops just to please some moronic spammer who can't figure out how to look up "Candy Manufacturers" in those big business directories they keep chained to the desk at the library. If you are also into hockey, typography, watching the movie "Fight Club" three times a day, breaking pencils off inside your ears, drawing mustaches on priceless museum statuary, and trying to put toothpaste back into tubes after I stomped on them, then I want to be a spammer's lollipop manufacturer. Seeking to produce 100 million crappy lollipops a week for someone who likes to use capital letters and isn't sure which E-mail address to use. > Greetings, > > My name is Terry Fish, I am part owner of aÊnoveltyÊcompany > in the United States. We are looking for a lollipop/hard candy > manufacturer in Asia for a new product weÊwant toÊbring to market. Dear gender-neutral Terry, I am willing to relocate to Asia just because you are too stupid to know where I live, or that not everyone on the Internet manufactures lollipops for people who are this incompetent at finding business partners. Also sorry to hear you are only part of an owner. I hope it's the half that eats, but frankly, I think you're the half that just shits. > Your email address came up in my searches, Your E-mail address came up on the Master List Of All The Idiots In The Universe. And so did your other E-mail address. > if you can manufacture candy/lollipops or have knowledgeÊcandy > lollipop/candy manufacturer in Asia, I wish to manufacture knowledge candy for you. Please tell me how many IQ points to put in each lollipop so I'll know what grade of rotting corpse brains to buy. > could you please respond to my email address below. Okay, when you get around to mentioning it, I'll put it right between your other two addresses on the idiot list. > We require the following from a candy company: Fast samples to mass > production stages (45 days or less), VERY inexpensive prices! Capable of > many flavors, and the ability to produce a minimum of 50k/month to 1 > million pieces a year of our mini lollipops. If you are a candy > distributor or candy line reseller, any information you could provide > would be very helpful. Oh, I'm sorry. My imaginary Asian lollipop factory can only make red-flavored lollipops, not green-flavored lollipops. We don't have the technology to stir different bottles of artificial flavor and color together. Making lollies is hard! > Quick specs. for potential manufacturer: > > The candy designÊwe need is 1/4" height X 3/4" wide in a half circle > shape. Is that half of a 1/2" x 3/4" circle, or half of a 1/4" x 1-1/2" circle? > It will be mounted our our mini push sticks approx. 5/8" in length > in a 1/16" in diameter. The candy itself needs to be constructed the > same way as a lollipop with the stick approx. 3/32" deep into the candy. Hey, I still have some of those Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongues pops from about five years ago if you'd want those. I have at least a full gross of them (i.e. three or four.) > It also should be very smooth and of good quality to cost ratio. We will > need 10 separate flavors which we are voting on now. Okay, I'll make sure that the factory making the red razzleberry pops and factory making the blue razzleberry pops are located in different Asian countries to enforce the separation of different imaginary flavors. > Below are some of the flavors we are looking at: (the creepy-looking guy from Conan's show stares at a lollipop and then yells, "I CAN'T TASTE IT IN MY EYES! YOU TRICKED ME!" and then tries to leave by lying face-down on the floor while making walking motions with his legs.) > Sour Apple Light green chemical flavor, check. > Bubblegum Fluorescent pink chemical flavor, check. > Cinnamon EWWWW! BARBARA BAIN IS NOT A PIECE OF CANDY! > Mint Chocolate Chip How sharp do you want the corners on the chips in the lollipops? > Orange Orange chemical color with some sort of flavor, check. > Orange Cream Same plus non-dairy coffee-whitening paint, check. > Pina Colada Urine-colored flavor, check. > Root Beer Grandpa flavor, check. > Strawberry Darker pink flavor, check. > Tropical Punch Darkest pink flavor, check. > Lemon/Lime Invisible flavor, check. > Cola Like "Pina Colada" without the pina or the da, check. > Passion Fruit Bubble gum again, check. > Butterscotch Sugar flavor, check. > Cheese Cake EWWWW! > Grape Nuclear turd-dyeing purple RIT dye, check. > Lemonade Lemon/lime again, check. > Raspberry Red, black, or blue? Blue's the hardest to make because its use is restricted to the government and that's why you never see any blue food. > We are also looking at some otherÊsensation type flavors, Are they ribbed for her pleasure? > maybe something like a sweet mentholiptous lemon and a numbing type > cherry flavor, we need 2 or 3 to provide some sensation YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY! Group sex is just as unsafe as having sex with one person and then, later, having sex with another person! > but also wantÊsomeÊcreamy flavors and looks. PERVERT!!!! > Again I cannot express enough, cost is everything and is a very > important factor inÊthis project. Yeah, given that you must have blown your entire massive research and development budget on sending out some E-mail to random people. > Without meeting the right cost, we will have to search until we > find the right company to meet our requirements.Ê NO SHIT, SHER-LICK!!!! > This project has the capability to move many pieces a year. I predict worldwide sales of three, maybe four lollipops. > We would supply the sticks and packaging. We need the molds, candy and > manufacturer. Oh, so you're doing all the HARD work of buying some twigs and Saran Wrap and you just need me to design, produce, assemble, and deliver lollipops. What sort of fuckwad business do you have where all you do is produce lollipop sticks and then go around begging random people "PLEASE MAKE SOME TOP HALVES FOR ALL MY NAKED LOLLIPOP STICKS MISTER RANDOM BYSTANDER!" > Please email me at the address below if this is possible for your company > or if you can recommend an appropriate lead. How about lead grapeshot? > As they say, cast a wide net... Sorry, I'm no fish. > Best regards and thank you for your time and help in advance! > > Terry Fish Sorry, you're a fish. Or at least you have the brain of one. > VP > First Choice Marketing > firstchoicemktg@aol.com > 1.919.341.4663 Oh, and you can have MY number too. And by an amazing coincidence, it ALSO happens to be 1.919.341.4663! Go ahead and give me a call. If you get a busy signal, just keep trying. -- K. Lick my stick, you lollygagger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: My all-time favorite piece of spam Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:59:19 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What sort of fuckwad business do you have where all you do is produce > > lollipop sticks and then go around begging random people "PLEASE MAKE > > SOME TOP HALVES FOR ALL MY NAKED LOLLIPOP STICKS MISTER RANDOM BYSTANDER!" > > DEAR KIBO I HAVE SOME OLD PIECES OF PAPER WHICH I AM GOING TO WRITE > "LARD" ON WITH A MAGIC MARKER PLEASE FIND SOME CHEAP LARD I CAN PUT > IN THE PAPER SO I CAN BE A WORLD FAMOUS LARD MANUFACTURER! Oh, Beable, you have a very different sort of fuckwad business than I was thinking of. And please stop making me say "fuckwad" here on this family- friendly Internet channel. And please stop writing "lard" on things. They're both bad words, especially when used on food. -- K. Here's my solution to spam: Everyone on the Internet has to wear one of those dog collars that gives shocks. Except that instead of being triggered by barking, they'd be triggered by spamming. "Dear Sir, I am Mrs. Mariam Abacha--" BZZZZZZAP!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My all-time favorite piece of spam Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:46:34 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At last, a spammer figured out what I really would invest all my money in: > > Please, please, please tell me you mailed that inspired rant to the > bozo. And that you'll post any replies you receive. No way. If I wanted to help morons stalk me, I'd go talk to alt.sci.physics.new-theories. Besides, I figure the three E-mail addresses given are either (a) forged or (b) already shut down. But feel free to make your own replies and post them. -- K. Also, make up some new flavors. And some new explanations of what the 1/4" x 3/4" "semicircle" REALLY is (any why whatever that object is should come in all those gross flavors.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The interview Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:29:33 -0500 [I just found this article I wrote in August 2002 but apparently never posted.] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Never assume that anything about the layout of a retail establishment > > came about haphazardly. Case and point: Mall parking spaces are > > initially striped a bit larger than they will eventually be, so that > > visitors to the shiny new malll will remember it as having easy, ample > > parking. Also, milk in one corner, eggs in another, bread somewhere in > > the employee lounge. Milk is always in the corner opposite the entrance, because that's the one thing you supposedly need when you go just to get one thing, so you have to go past all the other things. It's like at Amazon.com where you want a book about milk but to get it you have to click through all these pages that say "We suggest you want: THIS BREAD MACHINE!" Supermarkets are unique in that they're the only kind of retail store that hasn't discovered that making the aisles all zigzaggy so you can't see across the store will encourage browsing. (Witness the recent mazelike redesign of your local Toys R Us.) Some supermarkets even have the same layout for most of their stores to make it easy for you to find stuff -- Most Super Stop & Shops have exactly the same layout, except that half of them are left-handed and half are right-handed, depending on where the entrance is (the milk teleports to the corner opposite the entrance, and everything else follows. Some of the markets have two entrances, I don't know how they decide which is the good one.) > And the shopping malls and department stores themselves, like casinos, > tend to be laid out so that the way you came in is not trivial to > find again, the better to keep you wandering about in that pleasantly > overstimulated daze. The parking lot layout may just be a means of > funneling people into a multitude of these minor entrances. Casinos are special in that they have no clocks, no windows, no sign that there is any external light source or world outside. They want you to not realize you've been playing the same stupid slot machine until 4:35am. Supermarkets, on the other hand, always have a prominently- displayed clock, for reasons I don't understand. Maybe the employees need it so that they'll know when to get the hell out of there, which you would definitely want to do if you worked in one like I did. Most of the bigger casinos (the ones with silly themes, like the "Star Trek"-themed Las Vegas Hilton and the "Battlestar Galactica"-themed Luxor) have some sort of family-friendly tourist attraction or at least a penny arcade for the kids, so that you can dump your kids in the alleged day care center (which is really a junior gambling establishment that pays in tickets towards stuffed animals) or the tourist trap and gamble your brains out until you run out of money and have to go retrieve your kids so you can pawn them. In Vegas, they have some law about how kids have to be able to get to the kid-friendly stuff without coming within three feet of a slot machine (I don't know the exact distance) so the casino floor will have a twisty pair of yellow lines demarcating the trail kids have to follow to avoid all temptation to gamble. So, to get to the "Star Trek" museum, you have to go past the first bank of slot machines, turn left at the other slot machines, turn right at the next bank of slots, go past seven hundred other slot machines, make a complete loop around the Three Stooges slot machine, squeeze in between some more slot machines, and then the kid can pay $17 to see an authentic replica of Whoopi Goldberg's hat. > CambridgeSide Galleria is an interesting case: the parking is all in an > underground garage, and the elevators dump shoppers out into the hearts > of major department stores, in locations that are so well camouflaged > that they are nearly impossible to find again. You're intended to use > the more clearly marked basement escalator in the middle of the lower > level instead, so that you go on a little walking tour in the meantime. > But the flaw in the design (which I thank Kibo for pointing out) is > that there are multiple floors and the entrances are mostly not on the > topmost floor, so the stores up there are completely screwed; hardly > anyone ever goes there. The food court should have been at the top, > but it's not. The ground floor is very crowded. The food court is there. The second floor is sparsely occupied. The parking garage sends people to the anchor stores, which don't have ground-floor entrances, and this is the only reason anyone goes upstairs. The third floor has nobody on it. All three floors have shops their whole length, but absolutely nobody wants to have to go up two escalators to buy stuff. Proper design would involve people having to start at the top of the mall and spiral down, like at that Guggenheim-esque helical mall in Harvard Square. It used to be a parking garage, so they just put stores along the ramp. The front door leads to a long straight ramp and escalator that take you to the top, and then you spiral down past a series of comic-book stores, anime stores, science-fiction book stores, and assorted other nerd stores. I used to spend a lot of time at that mall waiting for stuff to be typeset (there was a typesetting service above the mall.) I took my graphic art projects to be typeset there because I worked at the other typesetting place in Harvard Square -- the bad one. -- K. I would typeset my own stuff when I felt our equipment was up to the task, but we had equipment so old that it kept inserting long "s"s into all the wordf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: once again, the genius of K-Mart clerks! Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:29:40 -0500 Last time I described a funny-but-stupid experience at K-Mart was when I bought an eighteen-inch vinyl play ball (the kind sold from those tall wire hoppers that work like life-size Kerplunk games) and the clerk asked me whether I wanted to buy it, under the assumption that people often take their own balls for a visit to K-Mart. Today I had another interesting experience there. I wanted to buy a phone calling card. I picked out a 250-minute one, because the 480-minute one offered fewer than twice as many minutes for twice the price. I picked out one in the videotape department and took it to the register. The way these cards work is that, to make a call, you dial an 800 number and then key in the password. But because stores are afraid you'll shoplift them -- and because there are strings attached such as the card only working for a certain period once you've bought it -- to get one of these cards to work, it has to first be activated by running its magnetic stripe through the cash register. The clerk couldn't fit this one into the slot, because it had one of those thick plastic anti-theft strips on it (the things that look like sticks of gum and are put on the outside of DVD and CD wrappers.) So, she ran the card over the demagnetizer. But this didn't magically make it fit into the register's slot because for some reason demagnetizing the strip did not cause the strip to evaporate into a cloud of free-floating magnetism. So she then peeled the anti-theft strip off. And the card still wouldn't scan. For some reason, the wimpy little magnetic strip on the card had lost its magnetic power when the card was run over the giant degausser to blank out the big anti-theft strip. The clerk tried a zillion times. Eventually she tore away the cardboard backing from the card (which didn't interfere with the part of the card that slides through the slot, but she was obviously at a loss as to what to do.) That didn't help, so she also tried peeling off the little price sticker which, also, was nowhere near the part of the card that touched the register. Finally she called for a manager to help her. The manager took one look at the card, threw it in the trash can, and took another one off a rack by the cash register. Lesson learned: At K-Mart they put anti-theft stickers on everything in the video department (including things that have sensitive magnetic strips and can't be shoplifted anyway because they require activation) but they don't put the stupid stickers on the same cards if you pick them up outside the video department. At my local supermarket (Stop & Shop), they have a slightly different system. The cash registers do not have credit card swipers -- the only card-readers are the little PIN-pad terminals that face the customer -- so, when purchasing a card, the cashier has to lean across the conveyor belt and run it through the customer's card-reader. But the card-readers normally display "SWIPE YOUR CARD AT ANY TIME" because they want you to save time by having your debit card's password entered while the clerk is still ringing up groceries, so if you really do swipe your card at any time, the phone card can't then be swiped when the terminal is waiting for you to okay charging the groceries to your ATM card. IT'S ALL SO INSANE! -- K. Also, for some reason, the interior of this subway car smells like the interior of a bean burrito. I hope I'm not sitting in whatever the invisible source of the smell is. (It's not ME, and there is nobody else nearby, so I think someone played a game of "hide the burrito" with one of these seats.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: once again, the genius of K-Mart clerks! Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 01:29:42 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, for some reason, the interior of this subway car smells like > > the interior of a bean burrito. I hope I'm not sitting > > in whatever the invisible source of the smell is. > > I heard you can't smell your own B.O. So logically, this means Kibo > smells like bacon. The aroma was more like refried beans and grease. But still, logic dictates that Kibo must smell like bacon. -- K. That's why I'm being stalked by Bigfootf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BLANK Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 00:29:02 -0500 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Wow. You all appear to have invented SANE LIBS. > > I am ___________ to see that ________________ can still _______________. > adjective noun phrase verb phrase And Sane Libs come with a free small order of Little Marcus Aurelius's Good Mental Hygiene Bread. But you know what puzzles me about good mental health? We all know that crazy people hate to be put into straitjackets. You have to really wrestle them into those. And the crazier they are, they harder they struggle. So does that mean that people who like to wear straitjackets are the sanest people? If so, than how do we explain Doug Henning? -- K. Ha ha, I'm saner than you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Scary Commercial Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 02:04:43 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Okay, so a gum company wanted to put forth the message their gum's > flavor lasts and lasts. So it shows a scary humanoid gum thing leaping > out of airplane after a parachuter. It screams a lot in a freaky > Scottish accent, then lands and insults a squirrel. Are you sure the gum "lasts and lasts"? Maybe they were thinking "harasses and harasses". > If I wasn't already on mind altering chemicals, I'd want whatever the > ad creators were snorting. Maybe they were snorting gum. Check them for giant pink nostril bubbles. ("It's the gum that goes snort!") Today at K-Mart I saw a display of Hershey products by the register. The cardboard display had three truly scary-looking anthropomorphic chocolate products smiling at me, painted in that big-faced lumpen 1930s ad-art style like the original Campbell's Kids. One was a chocolate bar with a face on one end. Another was a guy whose head was a Reese's cup (his cheeks were freckled with crushed peanuts) and the third was a female Hershey's Kiss. All had arms and legs and big puffy cheeks and goo-goo eyes. They scared me, even though they were made of candy. They were walking, talking BAD CANDY. -- K. Why does gum hate squirrels? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 01:12:51 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > [...] > > On top of all of that, the landlord has appointed me spokesperson for this > entire house. He said he'd rather deal with me than have everyone else > calling him at random intervals. So, everyone has been told to bring their > troubles to me and I am to let him know what needs to be done. > > I didn't apply for this job. > > AND! There was a note pinned to the door which was written by the > downstairs neighbours. It said "We're on holidays for 2 weeks. Shovel > the snow and take out the trash and recycling bins." > > A shovel was conveniently left in the foyer. > > I quit. I once quit a job in much the same way, except that mine involved a shovel and large spill of rancid dairy products (mainly cottage cheese.) I suggest that you need a two-week vacation, but first think of a long list of things to tell your a-hole neighbors to do. "I'll be having fun for two weeks. Feed the cats fifteen times a day, from your hands. Clean the bathtub -- I left a spare toothbrush for that. Throw out all the cinder blocks I've bolted to the floor, walls, and ceiling. Watch all my favorite TV shows for me and type up complete transcripts. And when I get back, shave my legs for me." Write it in blood. -- K. (not YOUR blood, because that can be traced) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 02:33:28 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suggest that you need a two-week vacation, but first think of a long > > list of things to tell your a-hole neighbors to do. "I'll be having > > fun for two weeks. Feed the cats fifteen times a day, from your hands. > > Clean the bathtub -- I left a spare toothbrush for that. Throw out > > all the cinder blocks I've bolted to the floor, walls, and ceiling. > > Watch all my favorite TV shows for me and type up complete transcripts. > > And when I get back, shave my legs for me." Write it in blood. > > Kibo, did someone leave a note stuck to your door that says "I'll be on > holiday for two weeks. Send your friends cruel suggestions about how to > get revenge on their neighbors"? What's cruel about REVENGE? It's not like I was suggesting she should torture INNOCENT people! > Just checking. Because, you know, it would have been cool if they had. Nobody left a note on my door like that. I think I'm going to leave a note on a neighbor's door reading, "Going out of the country for two weeks. You better leave lots of notes on my door when I'm gone, and one of them should be you telling me to tell Tam to tell her neighbors to eat silt and die because Mark told me to tell you to tell me to tell Tam to tell her neighbors that." -- K. Also, every pad of Post-It Notes should contain exactly one note (at a random depth within the pad) with permanent glue on it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Great Molasses Flood in Boston Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2004 03:15:36 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > > Although some of the kids at the schools I work at may end up being in > the same grade for years, none of them are old enough at this point to > know what seltzer or burma shave are. Eventually they'll be old enough that they'll all be talking about Sen-Sen and Mum and zwieback and camphor and potash and horehound and Bromo-Seltzer and other things that they only had 150 years ago, back when Bob Hope was President for the first time. -- K. Back then, Necco Wafers were actually the best candy there was! Life sucked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.wil-wheaton Subject: A completely true rumor! Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 02:42:05 -0500 OH MY GOD WIL WHEATON JUST HINTED HE'S GOING TO BE IN THE NEXT "STAR WARS" TRILOGY!!! I HOPE HE DIES IN EPISODE 7 WHEN CHEWIE JR. SHOOTS HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CROSSBOW!!! -- K. I hope they don't let Anson Williams direct any more "Star Wars" movies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short shameful confession. Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 03:20:44 -0500 Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. I feel like I've lost my genteel elegance! What's next, getting a leisure suit? -- K. Or something else declasse' like untinted contacts? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Mon, 02 Feb 2004 03:11:53 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James Kibo Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. > > Great. Kibo just broke a commandment, and wore pants. > > I don't suppose he's really saying that, in today's enlightened age, > we can wear jeans and they don't count as pants? Kind of like the Pope > saying it was OK to do that really crappy method of birth control which > doesn't work? No, I suppose that's not what this is. Hey, if you speak British English, which is the only correct way to pronounce English, especially when ordering at a classy joint like Arthur Treacher's (the butler on "Batman" and Google's gay lover) then "pants" and "jeans" are disjoint circles in the Venn diagram of Things People Wear. Pants are worn under jeans (unless you're Harvey Korman.) > What I want to know is, what have you been wearing, Mr Kibo, instead > of jeans? Kilts? Sweats? Shorts even in -12 degree weather? I saw a Utilikilt booth at an, um, trade show last month. I did not buy one. My legs are too skinny. I'd buy a kilt if I looked like Popeye. On second thought, no, if I looked like Popeye, I'd use a pen-knife to whittle my forearms and fetlocks down to human dimensions because otherwise every time I looked in a full-length mirror I'd yell "I yam hideyusk!" and poke out my other eye with the same corn-cob pipe that took out the first one long ago before I invented Braille with it. -- K. TOOT TOOT! Other palindromes: TOO HOT TO HOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOO HOT TOOT TO HOOT TOOT TOOT! and TOMATO! but only if you write it vertically. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Mon, 02 Feb 2004 03:02:51 -0500 "Nicko" (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. > > Well just remember, if you are wearing "distressed" jeans (or any sort of > "distressed" apparel) the "distressed" areas draw attention to those parts > of your body. They're not distressed yet. I'll just have to find out how much punishment a $16 pair of jeans for sears can take. By the way, my jeans size is "32x32". (I can wear a 30 waist, but prefer a 32.) Does "32x32" mean that, because my waist equals my inseam, I am a perfect cube, for once and for all proving Ge*rge Hamm*nd's the*ry about G*d and Kib* being identical hexahedra? Pr*bably n*t, because that the*ry is st**pid. > > I feel like I've lost my genteel elegance! What's next, getting a > > leisure suit? > > Hip-hugging bellbottoms and a skintight, plain white dago-tee. Dear Carson Kressley, You dress like a dork. Also, it's not working -- no matter how silly your pants look, they're not going to draw attention away from your nose-on-a-nose. -- K. Today during the "Queer Eye" rerun I switched channels and saw a few moments of the Super Bowl halftime show, but then I turned it back to the less gay show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 00:07:09 -0500 Which celebrity should I start stalking and insisting I'm secretly married to THIS year? Who should be the object of my next obsessive imaginary romance that you all have to pretend is real in order to humor me so that I don't snap and start killing people? Pick someone, anyone! I'm desperate here! Let the voting begin: 1.) Jamie Lee Curtis. Pros: Roger Ebert says she's the smartest person in Hollywood. Cons: Rumors that our kids would have half an extra chromosome. 2.) Jack Black. Pros: I suspect he's really twisted. Cons: Might be too kinky for me. Or not kinky enough. 3.) Patty Hearst. Pros: We could swap Stockholm Syndrome stories all day. Cons: She had rich parents. 4.) Andy Dick. Pros: Unpredictable. Cons: He's too gay, even though he's straight. 5.) Xenia Seeberg, the actress who played Xev (not Zev!) on "Lexx". Pros: Very European. Speaks Latin. Cons: She might be just like her character, and I might be too much like Stan. 6.) Captain Power. Pros: Any time I got mad, I could shoot the blinky thing on his chest. Cons: Might be a low-budget fictional character from a toy commercial. 7.) Betty Crocker. Pros: She knows how to cook, so I wouldn't have to eat crap that comes in cardboard boxes. Cons: Makes people eat crap that comes in cardboard boxes. Also she's at least as imaginary as Captain Power. 8.) Wil Wheaton. Pros: He's Wil Wheaton. Cons: He's the Wil Wheaton who used to be Wesley Crusher. Please vote now so I can marry one of these eight people! Any of them's fine, because I live in Massachusetts -- the only state where ANYONE can marry ANYONE! -- K. (Poor Spot! He can't get married, because he's not even anyone.) P.S. I'm going to try to skew the voting towards an even prime number. SORRY, CAPTAIN POWER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:33:12 -0500 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 5.) Xenia Seeberg, the actress who played Xev (not Zev!) on "Lexx". > > > > Pros: Very European. Speaks Latin. > > And you could coordinate bright hair dyes. "Mmm, feels like atomic cyan > this week!" My hair probably wouldn't be visible, because I'd keep dressing up as 790 by putting on an S6 gas mask and following her around yelling "I am a robot who wants to live in your underwear!" At least, I think that quote's from 790 on "Lexx". It might be from "Happy Days". Did Potsie ever say that? -- K. I don't know whether she speaks papal Latin, real Latin, or Mel Gibson's pig Latin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:09:16 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > I say Wil Wheaton, because you two would never last and then I get to > comfort him afterwards. I promise I won't chain him in my basement. > Promise. But who would comfort me? Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden, or Diana Muldaur? Please tell me you wouldn't send Counselor Troi to come in and talk psychobabble and teach me about "plexing" (which doesn't work as well as they said it did on TV, but otherwise "Star Trek" is real.) Besides, I know you'd just chain him in your attic, or possibly rumpus room. Anyhow, are you the reason I made that post about mummifying someone in "Member, Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron" bumper stickers? If so, I should warn you that they cost two dollars each, and there aren't a lot left at that store. They do have all the White Wolf game books, though, I autographed all the covers when they weren't looking. -- K. Brent Spiner is one of the funniest actors ever. However, I don't think I could enjoy being around someone with a weirder eye color than mine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:57:19 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I say Wil Wheaton, because you two would never last and then I get to > > > comfort him afterwards. I promise I won't chain him in my basement. > > > Promise. > > > > But who would comfort me? Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden, or Diana Muldaur? > > Brent Spiner. Gates McFadden and Diana Muldaur had crap for bedside manners. Yeah, and plus, Diana Muldaur is connected with that whole incident involving the phrase "BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT!" in one of Gene Roddenberry's failed pilots. I forget whether that was the one where Mariette Hartley had no navel, or where Suzanne Pleshette was neighbors with Dr. Bellows. > > Please tell me you wouldn't send Counselor Troi to come in and talk > > psychobabble and teach me about "plexing" (which doesn't work as > > well as they said it did on TV, but otherwise "Star Trek" is real.) > > If you'd just lost Wesley, she'd crumple from the "paaaainn, > paaaaaaainnnn," you'd be feeling that she'd have to pinch her brows > together about. Or she'd just eat a syntho-chocolate sundae, which is like chocolate without the hangover but with twice the orgone energy. But then Data would try a mouthful of it and his brain would crash and his entire face would melt just like that kid in that movie that made me never want to buy Linux from IBM. > > Besides, I know you'd just chain him in your attic, or possibly > > rumpus room. > > I don't have either. Or a basement, really. But I'm thinking of > converting the bedroom closet into a deprivation chamber. You'll need to go to Home Depot and ask, "Do you sell epsom-salt-proof doors?" > > Anyhow, are you the reason I made that post about mummifying someone > > in "Member, Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron" > > bumper stickers? > > I can guarantee I'm not the reason, but I wish I had been. Okay, I'm adding you to the list to receive a sticker saying "Member, Society To Mummify Someone In Anti-Wesley Bumper Stickers While Counselor Troi Gets It On With A Hot Fudge Sundae". > > Brent Spiner is one of the funniest actors ever. However, > > I don't think I could enjoy being around someone with a > > weirder eye color than mine. > > Apparently he hated the contacts. You think a lot about how to torture "Star Trek" stars, don't you? -- K. Then you'd put Geordi's visor in the toilet so he'd have to look up his own butt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:03:04 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which celebrity should I start stalking and insisting I'm secretly > > married to THIS year? > > Poor Barbara Bain. You dump her constantly, and always so > publically. You'd think she would have left you by now. I left her years ago, and I only dumped television's torpid and mechanical Barbara Bain once in my lifetime. > > Pick someone, anyone! I'm desperate here! > > Weird Al. I'm not joking. I couldn't. See, he's "funny". Some of the people on my list, like Jack Black, are funny. The difference is in whether you have to type quote marks to indicate that you're frantically waving your hands around making "air quotes" when you say "funny" or "air quotes". > > 6.) Captain Power. > > Have you considered Captain Marvel? Anyone who spends his days as > some dorky teen who wears the same t-shirt every day, but then yells > SHAZAM and turns into a flying Elvis with a tablecloth for a cape > is OK by me. Sorry, we'd keep confusing people, what with him yelling "Shazam!" and me yelling "Shazbot!" That idea's a nono-nono. Ahr ahr! Sitcom "humor"! -- K. It's almost like I tried to make a pun on a nonsense word!