From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BLANK Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 00:29:02 -0500 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Wow. You all appear to have invented SANE LIBS. > > I am ___________ to see that ________________ can still _______________. > adjective noun phrase verb phrase And Sane Libs come with a free small order of Little Marcus Aurelius's Good Mental Hygiene Bread. But you know what puzzles me about good mental health? We all know that crazy people hate to be put into straitjackets. You have to really wrestle them into those. And the crazier they are, they harder they struggle. So does that mean that people who like to wear straitjackets are the sanest people? If so, than how do we explain Doug Henning? -- K. Ha ha, I'm saner than you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: once again, the genius of K-Mart clerks! Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 01:29:42 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, for some reason, the interior of this subway car smells like > > the interior of a bean burrito. I hope I'm not sitting > > in whatever the invisible source of the smell is. > > I heard you can't smell your own B.O. So logically, this means Kibo > smells like bacon. The aroma was more like refried beans and grease. But still, logic dictates that Kibo must smell like bacon. -- K. That's why I'm being stalked by Bigfootf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Scary Commercial Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 02:04:43 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Okay, so a gum company wanted to put forth the message their gum's > flavor lasts and lasts. So it shows a scary humanoid gum thing leaping > out of airplane after a parachuter. It screams a lot in a freaky > Scottish accent, then lands and insults a squirrel. Are you sure the gum "lasts and lasts"? Maybe they were thinking "harasses and harasses". > If I wasn't already on mind altering chemicals, I'd want whatever the > ad creators were snorting. Maybe they were snorting gum. Check them for giant pink nostril bubbles. ("It's the gum that goes snort!") Today at K-Mart I saw a display of Hershey products by the register. The cardboard display had three truly scary-looking anthropomorphic chocolate products smiling at me, painted in that big-faced lumpen 1930s ad-art style like the original Campbell's Kids. One was a chocolate bar with a face on one end. Another was a guy whose head was a Reese's cup (his cheeks were freckled with crushed peanuts) and the third was a female Hershey's Kiss. All had arms and legs and big puffy cheeks and goo-goo eyes. They scared me, even though they were made of candy. They were walking, talking BAD CANDY. -- K. Why does gum hate squirrels? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 23:59:21 -0500 John Schmidt (js@saltmine.radix.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney wrote: > > > > I was actually considering, if briefly, what I would look like if the > > white streaks at my temples (which look like a cross between a miniature > > Bride of Frankenstein and a miniature Vincent Price, as streaks go) were > > instead a deep deep blue. > > You oughta dye a white stripe around the back of your head > connecting the patches at your temples. Hey, why not combine the two? White horizontal stripe across the back of your head. And four blue stripes and four black stripes, half above the white stripe, half below. It would work best if you had a Gorbachev-style strawberry on your forehead shaped like a little Care Bears belly heart. (So, Dave, now you know how it feels when someone tries to recruit YOU!) Also, forget Vincent Price. The guy who played Dr. Cyclops, now there's someone you could have a lot of fun emulating (not the hair, though.) -- K. I can't remember the actor's name, just the really perverted details of his death. Sickies make the best mad scientists! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My building just burned. Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 02:59:07 -0500 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I embarassed an entire van full of Head Start teachers on a field trip > > once by wondering how you could use the safeword "Mickey Mouse". > > "Wouldn't it sound like 'Mfffy Mfff'?" I said. Also, the word "cooter" > > slipped into the conversation. No one hung around me at all that day. > > BEST FIELD TRIP EVAR. > > OH NO! Stacia's offensive comments RUINED a perfectly good field trip to > the latex factory! How do you expect the kids to take sadomasochism > seriously if you keep making jokes?! Latex isn't made in a factory. It's made in a hollow tree by special little elves. Whenever a balloon pops, it's reincarnated as one of them. If you really wanted to spoil the trip to the latex factory for the kids, you should have pointed out that Bert and Ernie are both made of foam latex in order to ruin "Sesame Street" just as much. Although, recently, the makers of "Sesame Street" spoiled our fun by ruining "Sesame Street" on their own. -- K. Also, safewords are for KIDS. Besides, you can't remember how to say whole words when you're far out into headspace. Hey, you're sure it was the Head Start van and not the headspace van? Was it a Sam & Criminy Kraffft production with three f's in Letraset Croissant, a font that is only used in TV parodies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 01:12:51 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > [...] > > On top of all of that, the landlord has appointed me spokesperson for this > entire house. He said he'd rather deal with me than have everyone else > calling him at random intervals. So, everyone has been told to bring their > troubles to me and I am to let him know what needs to be done. > > I didn't apply for this job. > > AND! There was a note pinned to the door which was written by the > downstairs neighbours. It said "We're on holidays for 2 weeks. Shovel > the snow and take out the trash and recycling bins." > > A shovel was conveniently left in the foyer. > > I quit. I once quit a job in much the same way, except that mine involved a shovel and large spill of rancid dairy products (mainly cottage cheese.) I suggest that you need a two-week vacation, but first think of a long list of things to tell your a-hole neighbors to do. "I'll be having fun for two weeks. Feed the cats fifteen times a day, from your hands. Clean the bathtub -- I left a spare toothbrush for that. Throw out all the cinder blocks I've bolted to the floor, walls, and ceiling. Watch all my favorite TV shows for me and type up complete transcripts. And when I get back, shave my legs for me." Write it in blood. -- K. (not YOUR blood, because that can be traced) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 02:33:28 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suggest that you need a two-week vacation, but first think of a long > > list of things to tell your a-hole neighbors to do. "I'll be having > > fun for two weeks. Feed the cats fifteen times a day, from your hands. > > Clean the bathtub -- I left a spare toothbrush for that. Throw out > > all the cinder blocks I've bolted to the floor, walls, and ceiling. > > Watch all my favorite TV shows for me and type up complete transcripts. > > And when I get back, shave my legs for me." Write it in blood. > > Kibo, did someone leave a note stuck to your door that says "I'll be on > holiday for two weeks. Send your friends cruel suggestions about how to > get revenge on their neighbors"? What's cruel about REVENGE? It's not like I was suggesting she should torture INNOCENT people! > Just checking. Because, you know, it would have been cool if they had. Nobody left a note on my door like that. I think I'm going to leave a note on a neighbor's door reading, "Going out of the country for two weeks. You better leave lots of notes on my door when I'm gone, and one of them should be you telling me to tell Tam to tell her neighbors to eat silt and die because Mark told me to tell you to tell me to tell Tam to tell her neighbors that." -- K. Also, every pad of Post-It Notes should contain exactly one note (at a random depth within the pad) with permanent glue on it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grumpy old hags Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 01:41:42 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > the last time I punched someone in the face was on my 30th birthday. > > > > You want to tell us what happened on your thirtieth birthday? > > I thought you'd never ask. > > I was living in New Hampster at the time, attending grad school at the > U of New Hampster. I had gotten onto a mild excercise kick, if > excercise can be described as doing a few stretches and then going > over to the basketball court at the subsidized-housing apartment > complex that was just past the 1800-era cemetery behind the apartment > complex my wife and I lived in. [...] > > I liked it that nobody ever played basketball on that court. I could > run up and down it in solitude, shoot baskets, and get some exercise. > Simple and enjoyable. > > Anyway, I'm shooting baskets and getting sweaty and all huffy-puffy, > as a slightly pudgy 30-year-old is likely to get, when two d00ds in > their early 20s came riding up on bikes. One of them said, "Hey, let > us shoot some." > > I tossed him the ball, and they each took a couple shots. Then the > other d00d said, "Come on, let's play some one-on-one." I said, "No, > not interested. I'm just an old fat guy trying to get a little > exercise. Gimme the ball." > > They got all offended, and tossed the ball back to me. One d00d got up > in my face and said, "You don't have to be a dick about it." "You don't know me very well, do you?" That's what I would say. In fact, I'd _have_ to say that. > So I executed a perfect two-handed pass from about 18 inches away, > aiming for his nose but managing instead to split his lip. I punched > him in the face a couple times (that's the satisfying part I was > telling Kibo about), and then waded in, catching a punch over my right > eye. He fell to the ground, with me on top, and I pulled my right arm > back to see if I couldn't drive the back of his head a few inches into > the ground. I was unable to complete this scientific experiment > because someone had grabbed hold of my arm. Mmm, an experiment in pain caused by sporting goods. That's almost as good as finding a way to combine hockey with a science museum to get a place where you can find out how different scientists would react when speared with a hockey stick. > I figured it was his friend, piling on, so I tried to pull my arm away > while at the same time turning my upper body toward him, guessing that > I was about to get drilled in the back of the neck or head. > > Turns out it was a cop hanging off my arm. A big cop who just happened > to be driving by. Hey! You stole those last two sentences from "Penthouse Forum"! And I'm a little suspicious about "I was about to get drilled in the back of the neck or head," too. Do you always expect to get squicked on your birthday? > I explained as best I could (I get incoherent when I'm really, really > angry) Did you use the nonsense swear words "rowrbazzle", "brassle-fracking", or "consarn it" at any point? > that I was just minding my own business when these guys started > screwing with me. The cop offered to take us all to jail unless we > thought it better to go our separate ways. That seemed logical, so the > d00ds pedalled away. I shot a few more baskets, but it wasn't much fun > any more. Then I went home and explained to my wife how I got the cut > over my eye and scratches on my knee. Again, Penthouse Forum, last two sentences. > She was sort of stunned, but then again, we had only been married for > a couple years. She knows me better now. Forum. Both sentences. Stop stealing sentences in pairs! And please for the love of Pete, stop squicking on your birthday! It is unhealthy for adults and other living things even if it's your special day! Now please go to the hockey science museum and find out if Albert Einstein could make a "cup save" off one of Brett Hull's shots. -- K. HEY EINSTEIN, SHUT YER FIVE-HOLE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Great Molasses Flood in Boston Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2004 03:15:36 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > > Although some of the kids at the schools I work at may end up being in > the same grade for years, none of them are old enough at this point to > know what seltzer or burma shave are. Eventually they'll be old enough that they'll all be talking about Sen-Sen and Mum and zwieback and camphor and potash and horehound and Bromo-Seltzer and other things that they only had 150 years ago, back when Bob Hope was President for the first time. -- K. Back then, Necco Wafers were actually the best candy there was! Life sucked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.wil-wheaton Subject: A completely true rumor! Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 02:42:05 -0500 OH MY GOD WIL WHEATON JUST HINTED HE'S GOING TO BE IN THE NEXT "STAR WARS" TRILOGY!!! I HOPE HE DIES IN EPISODE 7 WHEN CHEWIE JR. SHOOTS HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CROSSBOW!!! -- K. I hope they don't let Anson Williams direct any more "Star Wars" movies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short shameful confession. Date: Sun, 01 Feb 2004 03:20:44 -0500 Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. I feel like I've lost my genteel elegance! What's next, getting a leisure suit? -- K. Or something else declasse' like untinted contacts? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Mon, 02 Feb 2004 03:11:53 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James Kibo Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. > > Great. Kibo just broke a commandment, and wore pants. > > I don't suppose he's really saying that, in today's enlightened age, > we can wear jeans and they don't count as pants? Kind of like the Pope > saying it was OK to do that really crappy method of birth control which > doesn't work? No, I suppose that's not what this is. Hey, if you speak British English, which is the only correct way to pronounce English, especially when ordering at a classy joint like Arthur Treacher's (the butler on "Batman" and Google's gay lover) then "pants" and "jeans" are disjoint circles in the Venn diagram of Things People Wear. Pants are worn under jeans (unless you're Harvey Korman.) > What I want to know is, what have you been wearing, Mr Kibo, instead > of jeans? Kilts? Sweats? Shorts even in -12 degree weather? I saw a Utilikilt booth at an, um, trade show last month. I did not buy one. My legs are too skinny. I'd buy a kilt if I looked like Popeye. On second thought, no, if I looked like Popeye, I'd use a pen-knife to whittle my forearms and fetlocks down to human dimensions because otherwise every time I looked in a full-length mirror I'd yell "I yam hideyusk!" and poke out my other eye with the same corn-cob pipe that took out the first one long ago before I invented Braille with it. -- K. TOOT TOOT! Other palindromes: TOO HOT TO HOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOO HOT TOOT TO HOOT TOOT TOOT! and TOMATO! but only if you write it vertically. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Mon, 02 Feb 2004 03:02:51 -0500 "Nicko" (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today was the first time I've worn jeans in about 25 to 30 years. > > Well just remember, if you are wearing "distressed" jeans (or any sort of > "distressed" apparel) the "distressed" areas draw attention to those parts > of your body. They're not distressed yet. I'll just have to find out how much punishment a $16 pair of jeans for sears can take. By the way, my jeans size is "32x32". (I can wear a 30 waist, but prefer a 32.) Does "32x32" mean that, because my waist equals my inseam, I am a perfect cube, for once and for all proving Ge*rge Hamm*nd's the*ry about G*d and Kib* being identical hexahedra? Pr*bably n*t, because that the*ry is st**pid. > > I feel like I've lost my genteel elegance! What's next, getting a > > leisure suit? > > Hip-hugging bellbottoms and a skintight, plain white dago-tee. Dear Carson Kressley, You dress like a dork. Also, it's not working -- no matter how silly your pants look, they're not going to draw attention away from your nose-on-a-nose. -- K. Today during the "Queer Eye" rerun I switched channels and saw a few moments of the Super Bowl halftime show, but then I turned it back to the less gay show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 00:07:09 -0500 Which celebrity should I start stalking and insisting I'm secretly married to THIS year? Who should be the object of my next obsessive imaginary romance that you all have to pretend is real in order to humor me so that I don't snap and start killing people? Pick someone, anyone! I'm desperate here! Let the voting begin: 1.) Jamie Lee Curtis. Pros: Roger Ebert says she's the smartest person in Hollywood. Cons: Rumors that our kids would have half an extra chromosome. 2.) Jack Black. Pros: I suspect he's really twisted. Cons: Might be too kinky for me. Or not kinky enough. 3.) Patty Hearst. Pros: We could swap Stockholm Syndrome stories all day. Cons: She had rich parents. 4.) Andy Dick. Pros: Unpredictable. Cons: He's too gay, even though he's straight. 5.) Xenia Seeberg, the actress who played Xev (not Zev!) on "Lexx". Pros: Very European. Speaks Latin. Cons: She might be just like her character, and I might be too much like Stan. 6.) Captain Power. Pros: Any time I got mad, I could shoot the blinky thing on his chest. Cons: Might be a low-budget fictional character from a toy commercial. 7.) Betty Crocker. Pros: She knows how to cook, so I wouldn't have to eat crap that comes in cardboard boxes. Cons: Makes people eat crap that comes in cardboard boxes. Also she's at least as imaginary as Captain Power. 8.) Wil Wheaton. Pros: He's Wil Wheaton. Cons: He's the Wil Wheaton who used to be Wesley Crusher. Please vote now so I can marry one of these eight people! Any of them's fine, because I live in Massachusetts -- the only state where ANYONE can marry ANYONE! -- K. (Poor Spot! He can't get married, because he's not even anyone.) P.S. I'm going to try to skew the voting towards an even prime number. SORRY, CAPTAIN POWER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 23:47:23 -0500 "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Which celebrity should I start stalking and insisting I'm secretly > > > married to THIS year? > > > > Poor Barbara Bain. You dump her constantly, and always so > > publically. You'd think she would have left you by now. > > You misspelled "Claudia Christian". Oh, that's right, I used to be married to her. I forgot she existed. > Which goes to show, Kibo is not suited to be married to people > whose names start with the same initial. Sorry, Wil Wheaton! It's okay, we can call him by his character name's initials now that Jack Paar is dead. > I vote for Patty Hearst, not just for the Stockholm syndrome stories, > but because she can get you casted in the next John Waters film. > Hell, John Waters should make a movie about Kibo! It practically > writes itself! So, would she lock me in a closet until I started robbing White Castles dressed as an unlicensed portrayal of the Hamburglar, or would I lock her in a closet until she invented a way to make Peter Finch come back to life to enjoy his posthumous Oscar? -- K. I WANT YOU ALL TO GET UP! GO TO YOUR WINDOW! AND YELL, "BOSTON NEEDS A WHITE CASTLE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 01:04:08 -0500 "kerri" (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, would [Patty Hearst] lock me in a closet until I started robbing > > White Castles dressed as an unlicensed portrayal of the Hamburglar [...] > > No, but Fannie Flagg would. Except she'd want you to steal tomatoes which > you could slice and fry and bring back to the set of Match Game, so she > could hold one end of a tomato slice in her mouth while Gene Rayburn > nibbled on the other end. I still want to invent some sort of gamma-radiation laser that can cook chromosomes so I can yell the world's greatest pun, "Ha ha! I just gave you a GENE RAY BURN, and is that hole in your genetic sequence larger than the FOCUS RANCH? I'M AFRAID NOT, but it's still AN EGRESS!" On second thought, there is no such thing as the world's greatest pun. They're all equally good. > And then you could sneak out with Charles Nelson Riley while they're not > looking. Eww! Okay, fine, I'm going back in the closet now. You can slide the White Castles under the door, Tanya. -- K. Why do you people keep changing the topic to my INCREDIBLY KINKY SEX LIFE WHICH IS NOT AT ALL IMAGINARY? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:33:12 -0500 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 5.) Xenia Seeberg, the actress who played Xev (not Zev!) on "Lexx". > > > > Pros: Very European. Speaks Latin. > > And you could coordinate bright hair dyes. "Mmm, feels like atomic cyan > this week!" My hair probably wouldn't be visible, because I'd keep dressing up as 790 by putting on an S6 gas mask and following her around yelling "I am a robot who wants to live in your underwear!" At least, I think that quote's from 790 on "Lexx". It might be from "Happy Days". Did Potsie ever say that? -- K. I don't know whether she speaks papal Latin, real Latin, or Mel Gibson's pig Latin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:09:16 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > I say Wil Wheaton, because you two would never last and then I get to > comfort him afterwards. I promise I won't chain him in my basement. > Promise. But who would comfort me? Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden, or Diana Muldaur? Please tell me you wouldn't send Counselor Troi to come in and talk psychobabble and teach me about "plexing" (which doesn't work as well as they said it did on TV, but otherwise "Star Trek" is real.) Besides, I know you'd just chain him in your attic, or possibly rumpus room. Anyhow, are you the reason I made that post about mummifying someone in "Member, Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron" bumper stickers? If so, I should warn you that they cost two dollars each, and there aren't a lot left at that store. They do have all the White Wolf game books, though, I autographed all the covers when they weren't looking. -- K. Brent Spiner is one of the funniest actors ever. However, I don't think I could enjoy being around someone with a weirder eye color than mine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:57:19 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I say Wil Wheaton, because you two would never last and then I get to > > > comfort him afterwards. I promise I won't chain him in my basement. > > > Promise. > > > > But who would comfort me? Brent Spiner, Gates McFadden, or Diana Muldaur? > > Brent Spiner. Gates McFadden and Diana Muldaur had crap for bedside manners. Yeah, and plus, Diana Muldaur is connected with that whole incident involving the phrase "BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT!" in one of Gene Roddenberry's failed pilots. I forget whether that was the one where Mariette Hartley had no navel, or where Suzanne Pleshette was neighbors with Dr. Bellows. > > Please tell me you wouldn't send Counselor Troi to come in and talk > > psychobabble and teach me about "plexing" (which doesn't work as > > well as they said it did on TV, but otherwise "Star Trek" is real.) > > If you'd just lost Wesley, she'd crumple from the "paaaainn, > paaaaaaainnnn," you'd be feeling that she'd have to pinch her brows > together about. Or she'd just eat a syntho-chocolate sundae, which is like chocolate without the hangover but with twice the orgone energy. But then Data would try a mouthful of it and his brain would crash and his entire face would melt just like that kid in that movie that made me never want to buy Linux from IBM. > > Besides, I know you'd just chain him in your attic, or possibly > > rumpus room. > > I don't have either. Or a basement, really. But I'm thinking of > converting the bedroom closet into a deprivation chamber. You'll need to go to Home Depot and ask, "Do you sell epsom-salt-proof doors?" > > Anyhow, are you the reason I made that post about mummifying someone > > in "Member, Society To Reduce Wesley To A Small Styrofoam Dodecahedron" > > bumper stickers? > > I can guarantee I'm not the reason, but I wish I had been. Okay, I'm adding you to the list to receive a sticker saying "Member, Society To Mummify Someone In Anti-Wesley Bumper Stickers While Counselor Troi Gets It On With A Hot Fudge Sundae". > > Brent Spiner is one of the funniest actors ever. However, > > I don't think I could enjoy being around someone with a > > weirder eye color than mine. > > Apparently he hated the contacts. You think a lot about how to torture "Star Trek" stars, don't you? -- K. Then you'd put Geordi's visor in the toilet so he'd have to look up his own butt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So, who should I marry in 2004? Date: Thu, 05 Feb 2004 02:03:04 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which celebrity should I start stalking and insisting I'm secretly > > married to THIS year? > > Poor Barbara Bain. You dump her constantly, and always so > publically. You'd think she would have left you by now. I left her years ago, and I only dumped television's torpid and mechanical Barbara Bain once in my lifetime. > > Pick someone, anyone! I'm desperate here! > > Weird Al. I'm not joking. I couldn't. See, he's "funny". Some of the people on my list, like Jack Black, are funny. The difference is in whether you have to type quote marks to indicate that you're frantically waving your hands around making "air quotes" when you say "funny" or "air quotes". > > 6.) Captain Power. > > Have you considered Captain Marvel? Anyone who spends his days as > some dorky teen who wears the same t-shirt every day, but then yells > SHAZAM and turns into a flying Elvis with a tablecloth for a cape > is OK by me. Sorry, we'd keep confusing people, what with him yelling "Shazam!" and me yelling "Shazbot!" That idea's a nono-nono. Ahr ahr! Sitcom "humor"! -- K. It's almost like I tried to make a pun on a nonsense word! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Sex Dream Date: Fri, 06 Feb 2004 00:16:01 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I like to tell you people everything interesting that happens to me. > I also like knowing that one day this post may keep me from getting a > job in a supervisory capacity. Unless you become supervisor at... THE PERVERT FACTORY! On the PLANET PERVO! > Last night I had the stupidest sex dream ever. You know how you can > have a perfectly good dream, just boffing away with whoever, and all of > a sudden you realize Mork from Ork is twisting your nipples? This dream > was even stupider than that. You don't like hairy guys? Then I won't ask your advice about a hypothetical situation involving seeing someone who hates chest hair right before seeing someone who likes chest hair. > I was in a grocery store with a feller. It was a nice grocery store, > a big newish one, with clean waxed floors. Anyhow he's completely naked > in the cereal aisle, leaning against several shelves of Apple Jacks of > course, but this is the stupid thing - I dreamt I was giving him head. > Fucking ridiculous. Dreams are classically for things you want to do, I'LL BE OVER AT EIGHT!!! > and while I enjoy giving a blow job as much as the next person, TELL ME ABOUT HER TOO!!! > it's completely idiotic to dream about it. My dreams should be people > doing things to ME. Not me being selfless and giving. That's such a > load of crap. > > Anyhow in the dream I finally decided that oral sex in public was a > bad idea. The guy didn't seem to think it was, but that's a man for > you. > > OK then. If I made just one of you cringe or roll your eyes, then my > work here is done. Also, who was the imaginary guy? Was it a recent President -- Ford, perhaps? Or was it Elmer, the goopy white bull from the front of the glue bottle? -- K. You people are SICK. Except for Stacia. MAKE IT SEVEN-THIRTY SO WE'LL HAVE TIME FOR THREE MORE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Ann Landers Date: Fri, 06 Feb 2004 01:08:21 -0500 [concerning Ann Landers vs. Judith Martin, aka "Miss Manners"] Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Judith Martin is cool, or at least she was as of 15 years ago when I > still read newspapers regularly. [...] Where Ann Landers probably > would have insisted that Warterberg wheels are for doctors only, I > imagine Martin would just say they are inappropriate silverware for > formal dinner parties. Dammit, Eb, you should write BOTH advice columns. > [...] > > Maybe we can just agree to laugh at the freaks who had an unhealthy > fascination with Martha Stewart. Sucks to be you! Rrrr. Her and Curious George can go in the same cage as far as I'm concerned. And we won't let them out until one of them has eaten the other and then died of indigestion. -- K. Also, it's spelled "Wartenberg", at least by people whose kink is telling people all about spelling. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Ann Landers Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 01:15:22 -0500 [concerning what Miss Manners would say regarding the proper placement of a Wartenberg wheel on the dinner table] Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > And then she would suggest that the people who use inappropiate > silverware are little better then child molesters. > > Okay, I exaggerate. Just a bit. Now I'm picturing William Shatner in a leather cumberbund saying, "Hey, want a ride little girl, I've got candy and a gravy boat and a wide selection of pickle forks I can teach you to arrange in the proper order around the jar of pickles that will be the elegant centerpiece of our pickles-and-instant-gravy smorgasbord." I tried to put a question mark in that sentence but I couldn't find the end of it so I gave up. > Miss Manners encountered the phenomenon of adults choosing, of their own free > will, not to have kids, and went full on psycho loony. It frightened me. They are TRAITORS to their GENETIC HERITAGE! If they don't reproduce, the Neanderthals might out-breed the Cro-Magnons! Or the other way around. I forget which ones became the good people like Miss Manners and which ones became the Toronto Maple Leafs. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go remember to buy some peanut butter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Ann Landers Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 01:46:27 -0500 [concerning the genetic basis of "If your parents didn't have any children, you probably won't either"] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They are TRAITORS to their GENETIC HERITAGE! > > I recently told my mother that I have decided to not ever have kids. > My mother was so tactful, she actually said, "I'm not surprised. Some > people just aren't meant to have kids. Especially you." That's a little more tactful than the traditional shriek of "Someday, I hope YOU have children JUST LIKE YOUUUUU!" and/or a wedding gift of a ninety-year supply of spermicidal condoms packed in a 55-gallon drum of Lysol. > That's probably the nicest thing she ever said to me. The other nice > thing was in high school when she accused me of being insane because I > stayed in my room instead of watching TV with them every night. She > said I wasn't going to grow up normal. And now look at me! Whee. On MTV's "Daria", Daria also stayed in her room a lot, but she had the excuse of having those cool padded walls. So what excuse are you going to make up for us so that we can turn it into a cartoon series without having to pay Mike Judge any money? -- K. And why the hell won't they release the whole run of "Daria" on DVD? They're finally getting "Freaks & Geeks" released, but what about "Daria", which was the same show with better quality of line and no people who ruined their careers by leaving "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Does this person seem familiar to anyone? Date: Fri, 06 Feb 2004 02:54:37 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I was sitting on the tram last Friday night and a woman got on with her > friends and started describing a man she knew that did all his shopping at > an Asian grocery store and the only cereal they ate cost $10 a box and was > imported from Japan. Can't be me, I only eat real American cereal like Cheerios, Buzz Blasts, and Pope Chocula. I don't think I've even seen Japanese breakfast cereal in even the largest Asian grocery stores here. However, today, when I was riding the train, people were avoiding me like I was Ted Cassidy in his "Star Trek" makeup ("The Old Ones made Ruk... must protect producer's wife... rrrrrrr.") This is because not only had I just shaved (which makes me look creepier than I do with my normal orange beard) but also because I didn't realize I had an exact replica of the Ruk look, black arcs drawn all over my giant pale forehead. I assure you that it was through no fault of my own. It was a purely accidental makeup job. Took forever to scrub off. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go play the harpsichord. ("Neat... sweet... petite." Clang! Honk! Tweet!) -- K. Didn't some crazy person once try to start a rumor that I lived in an exact replica of the Addams Family house? I would now like to correct that rumor by pointing out that it's not an EXACT replica, it's a DOUBLE-SCALE replica. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dreams are stoopid! Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 01:33:33 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Last night I dreamt that I was the descendant of an ancient Scottish tribe > that had been toyed around with by monoliths from "2001: A Space Odyssey". > I then joked with people that my family, instead of wearing plaid kilts, > wore black-and-white striped kilts to remind us of the monoliths in our > past. Did your clan beat you with their bagpipes for saying "family" instead of "clan" and "striped kilts" instead of "tartan"? Och, they should've, ye pants-wearin' chowder-chewin' poppinjay wi' nae the balls in yer sporran to fix even a wee li'l impulse engine t' impress the aliens disguised as comely lassies, aye! > But I do like that I at least try to make bad jokes even in my > subconscious. Oh. In that case, I don't get it. Which version of the late-sixties classic "2001: A Space Odyssey" had a zebra-striped monolith? Are you sure you're not thinking of "Casino Royale" or maybe "Barbarella"? -- K. And how come the old ads always said "I dreamed I went to the circus in my Maidenform bra" instead of "I went to the circus in my Maidenform bra"? Do their bras only work around imaginary clowns? And do they really promise to put a circus in every bra? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 01:48:58 -0500 A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing leather. (Never play an arcade game without a spotter when you're in a casino run by jerks.) And it's kind of a rip-off to have to pay four quarters for 30 seconds of fake electroshock that hardly even makes your vision blurry after five dollars' worth. That machine is the 79,999th biggest rip-off in Mohegan Sun! (I don't want to say which one of the 80,000 slot machines is the only bigger rip-off, although it might be one of the officially- licensed "Price Is Right" "Plinko" slot machine that don't even get stuck the way the real "Plinko" game on TV does.) Also, why does the "Uncle Fester" game play the song "Sunrise, Sunset"? The REAL Uncle Fester wasn't a Russian Jew! -- K. The "Uncle Fester" game is about 3% electrical shocks and 97% vibration, just like most Apple products. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:43:24 -0500 Garry Gnu (nognewsisgoodgnews@garryg.nu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the > > casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're > > enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from > > the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing > > leather. > > Words cannot reply to that. Hell, nothing can. You have succesfully > rendered an entire commnity speechless. Good, then we can all unsubscribe now that the Internet is over. -- K. (an unhired goon) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:36:00 -0500 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the > > casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're > > enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from > > the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing > > leather. > > What kind of friend is one who will pay for your first-ever game of the > "Uncle Fester" game just so he can laugh at your unpleasant fake > electrocution? Because that's the kind I am. Cool! I'll be right over. Also, I'd hardly call it unpleasant. And it wasn't my first-ever game, just the first time I'd tried a machine that wasn't broken. The other one I had tried had broken vibrators so I just got the shock, which is really weak -- they obviously don't send an electric current between your two hands, since that would kill half the players, there's a light tingle from a skin current going through each electrode and there are vibrators inside that shake your hands violently about 20 times a second, a pretty good simulation of a high-frequency shock when it's not done right. But I knew it wasn't going to be real so I've only ever played it on the highest of the three settings. Every time I take it all the way to the end. (I don't get off rollercoasters halfway through, either.) There's also a "Star Trek" version of the game with a Borg theme, but again, last time I tried that one it was way too wimpy for me. I think the moving parts in these things are guaranteed to break, just like the always-stuck cannons in every "Star Trek: The Next Generation" pinball machine. > I wish I'd known about the "Uncle Fester" game at Mohegan Sun when I went > there with the same friend on New Year's Eve. I might have been able to > laugh at his vibrating hands again instead of just laughing at his huge > (relative to a grad student's income) gambling losses. I liked observing how whenever the vibrators kicked into high, my blurry thumb stuck out completely straight from the centrifugal force. The game is nicely calibrated -- if it had gone on for another few more seconds at the highest setting (it works it way up over 30 seconds) I probably would have lost my grip (and I'm sure most other people would have, too, assuming they even made it that far.) The tingle from the shocks is really nothing, but the vibration is so intense as to make you have real trouble hanging onto the two big buzzing chicken-switch electrodes. It winds up having very similar physiological aftereffects to other equally intense experiences (i.e. the casino looked a lot prettier afterwards, though it became even more disorienting than normal.) Dr. Kellogg would have liked that game. Actually, he probably would have found it unbearable. None of the vibrating or electroshocking gadgets in the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices were quite that intense (little antique vending machines that would give you a "therapeutic" shock for a nickel, Dr. Kellogg's vibrating chair, a Violet Wand, etc.) But Dr. Kellogg would have liked the concept of the game, especially if it was accompanied by two Mohegan Sun security guards ready to drag you off to his quack sanitarium for treatment if you either refused to play the game OR enjoyed it too much. -- K. The meters painted on the cabinet are calibrated in "jolts" and "vamps", but the game's score goes up to "3000 watts", because everyone knows that one second equals 100 watts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It may trouble you to know . . . Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:08:23 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > . . . that there are at least two people in the world who think it is > a good idea for me to babysit a 2-year-old for two hours today, by myself. What a crazy idea! Everyone knows you're just supposed to deposit the toddler in the Junior Gambling Area Disguised As A Video Arcade in the back of the casino while Mommy and/or Daddy gamble their brains out because it's the safest place for kids to be because they make sure to have casino enforcers rough up any scary guys playing the video games. They drag them off into the back room and beat them over the head with their own biker boots after they spend six dollars having too much fun, but fortunately I only had five dollars' worth of tokens. See my previous article for fewer details. > Also, neener, neener. > > (I wonder where they hid the Nanny Cam.) It could be worse. You could be living in an "Itchy & Scratchy" episode. Check to make sure that the toddler isn't really just a big pile of flaming dynamite in a toddler outfit. If so, don't try to blow out the fuse because these things always explode while you're puckered up comically. Also check that you're not in the "Daria" episode where she and Jane brainwash the two little kids into never listening to their dopey parents ever again. -- K. Also, Mohegan Sun reflects the noble heritage of those Native Americans who lived in a pure, natural landscape constructed entirely from translucent plastic triangles by Sid & Marty Krofft. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Make Money at Home in Your Underwear! Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:19:50 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > A coworker told me he saw a stop smoking infomercial on late night tv. They > were advertising a stop-smoking medicine that would work in one week. The > best part was they were giving it away. And shipping and handling was only > $8 per bottle. He said he figured it was worth a shot for only 8 bucks, so > he called with his shipping info and they got his checking account info and > drafted the charge from that. A week later he got a package in the mail > that contained 8 bottle and they charged him $64! I laughed and laughed. I bet he also buys rubber bands from those eBay auctions that put up half a bag of moldy old rubber bands for a penny (half what they're worth) and clicks "Buy It Now!" before seeing that the seller is charging $15.95 shipping to dump them into an envelope with a stamp on it? > Yes, this guy actually bought a product from an infomercial that would show > him how to make money at home in his underwear. Could be worse... He could have paid to learn how to make fudge in his underwear. HA HA, I SAID A POTTY SENTENCE! FOR FREE! THAT MEANS, NO REFUNDS! > He also fell for that late-night no-money-down real estate scam. > Some people never learn. I will also wager he's the reason some casinos have both "American Roulette" and "French Roulette" just so that he can play the proper American variety and not the one which is exactly the same except with better odds that you can determine by counting the number of deadly green spaces highlighted on the wheel. -- K. (Why do you work at a company that hires idiots?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:45:17 -0500 Okay, so, on Thursday, I wrote about how I accidentally wound up looking like Ted Cassidy (Lurch on "The Addams Family") in his "Star Trek" guest appearance because I happened to have schmutz on my face in just the right pattern to make my tall pale head look like him in his scary robot makeup. And today, I wrote about how casino security almost had to beat me because I was enjoying the "Uncle Fester's Electric Chair" arcade game too much (instead of actually gambling) while wearing all black and having a shaved head so that they got suspicious and said to themselves, "Hey! He looks too much like Uncle Fester! Get him away from the 'Uncle Fester's Electric Chair' machine before he puts it in his mouth, causing a blackout that would make people unable to gamble!" These two unrelated incidents have clearly established a pattern. So, which "Addams Family" character will I be mistaken for next? How will "The Addams Family" continue to interfere with my private life? HELP, I AM BEING STALKED BY A BLACK AND WHITE TV SHOW! -- K. Or should I just go skiing to see if I can go on both sides of the same tree at the same time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:42:26 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, which "Addams Family" character will I be mistaken for next? > > Having watched your hyperflexible wrists allow your hyperextensible > fingers to massage the workings of Paula's new laptop that one time, > I'd definitely have to vote for Thing. It's interesting how when I asked a.r.k which celebrity I should get married to, it only got a few responses, and people didn't take the question all that seriously, but now that I've asked a light question about "The Addams Family", _everyone_ is telling me to be Thing. DOES NOBODY HERE BELIEVE I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE GOMEZ? I mean, I do own lots of swords. -- K. "Dirty pool, old man... I like it!" (Two Secret Bonus Points will be awarded to the first person who knows what you have to do to get the "Addams Family" pinball machine to say that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 23:08:33 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Dirty pool, old man... I like it!" > > > > (Two Secret Bonus Points will be awarded to the first person who > > knows what you have to do to get the "Addams Family" pinball machine > > to say that.) > > Close the bookcase, and THEN get the ball into the vault. > > Make it a hard one next time, like what order you have to drop off your > passengers in Taxi to relight the jackpot. Oh, man. Now I'm so conflicted. I had my heart all set on fake-marrying Jack Black but now I'm mad with desire for someone else. Kerri, if you tell me you've been "Lost In The Zone" on the "Twilight Zone" machine and killed Davros on the "Doctor Who" machine, I'm going to buy you such a big fat wedding ring. -- K. Technically you don't have to close the bookcase, it starts out that way, you just have to hop the ball over the bookcase any time you're not supposed to. I like that they knew that design flaw would make that happen just often enough to merit its own line of dialogue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Mon, 09 Feb 2004 00:27:23 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > Close the bookcase, and THEN get the ball into the vault. > > > > Kerri, if you tell me you've been "Lost In The Zone" on the "Twilight > > Zone" machine and killed Davros on the "Doctor Who" machine, I'm going > > to buy you such a big fat wedding ring. > > The engagement ring's first, THEN the wedding ring. Don't you watch > any Ashton Kutcher movies at all? No. But if I've been getting the rings in the wrong order, that might help to explain why my past marriages to all those massively untalented actresses from bad TV shows didn't go as well as they should have. > Also, pinball is HARD. There's no one willing to tell you the cheat > codes on pinball and yoiu can't hack the code It's usually hidden in the painting on the back glass, or the little instruction card nobody reads. Like, the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" one has "RRLLRLRL" (if memory serves) written on it somewhere to tell you how to pick up the bonus yummy during the shuttle simulation (unless you'd rather play the secret lame poker mode which requires you to grab the gun with the wrong hand while simultaneously pressing the right flipper.) > and all the machines I've played in the last 15 years have that > little pole right in the center designed specifically to SCREW YOU OVER. That post is pretty useful if the "gravity" on the machine is set right. The post does bad things if you're at one of those arcades that removes all the bubble levels from the games so that they can turn the gravity down (people think that makes the game easier, but it really doesn't, it makes the ball move to the side more easily so it drains down the side slots. Arcades take out the levels just so that they can set up the machines wrong without giving you any warning. The game is harder if the gravity is either raised or lowered from its intended position.) I used to avoid any arcade that had missing bubble levels (or didn't have the black flippers, or other tell-tale signs that they didn't want serious players) but there are so few working pinball machines in the world these days that I'll take what I can get. > Either that or if you sneeze too hard the machine tilts. Wimps. I never get a "tilt". I seldom even try to shake the machine. That's for AMATEURS! I do, however, know which machines can be slammed where (Fonzie-style) to get free credits. There are a lot of ones out there (particularly in college student unions) that have "accidental" short circuits that cause a credit to register when the left side of the machine is lifted and dropped on the floor, etc. -- K. I made a little money sharking people at pool and table hockey in the olden days, but I respect the game of pinball too much to exploit it in that way even though I'm sooooooo goooooooood. I wonder if there's a way to shark people at the Uncle Fester electrocution game? Should I be a slick shock shark? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:02:16 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I once read a Real Parenting Expert advising parents to take their > kids, when they're at the don't-make-me-turn-this-car-around age, to > the grocery store _at times when you don't need to go to the store_, > specifically so you can turn this car around without screwing up your life. Sheesh. What parenting magazine was this, "Mental Cruelty Digest?" "Sadomasochist's Circle"? "Evil Parent Weekly"? "Pervention"? > Said expert didn't say what to do once you got to the grocery store if > your child happened to behave on the way. "Oh, duh, honey, I forgot! > We don't need anything!" Matt? This is your cue to jump into this thread for precisely four minutes and thirty-three seconds. > And then there's, what do you do if they're misbehaving on the way > back from the store? Turn around and go grocery shopping some more? "I'm going to take you to the Bad Children's Store and return you for a full refund! And then I'm going to go over to the toy store and use that money to buy a bunch of toys which I'm going to burn just to make sure that no kids can ever have them! NOW STOP CRYING OR I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT! And you're almost too big to be strapped into that car seat now that you're twelve -- STOP GROWING OR I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO GROW ABOUT!" (I predict Paula's already dialing the phone to tell the government to never allow me to have children, adopt, babysit, become a teacher, or appear on "Sesame Street".) -- K. I miss my Skinner Box. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:28:34 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I used to avoid any arcade that had missing bubble levels (or didn't > > have the black flippers, or other tell-tale signs that they didn't > > want serious players) but there are so few working pinball machines > > in the world these days that I'll take what I can get. > > OK. I'm lost. What's the deal with black flippers? Are they made out of > a special material so they don't get stuck or a springier material or what? Generally speaking, red rubber bands around the flippers are soft and squishy, black rubber bands are tight and springy. The game goes more slowly with the red ones but a good player can aim more precisely with the black ones. Avoid any pinball machine that has one of each. Or I could just be making all this up. You'll never know until I beat you by a factor of ten. > I never paid attention to flipper coloration before. That's not entirely > true... I won't accept any other kind of flipper but black when playing, > "Shamu: The Pinball Adventure" Score 50,000,000 and the machine will yell, "Free Willy's Extra Ball!" -- K. Black rubber is always the best kind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battery Puked All Over My Wireless Mouse. HELP! Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 17:03:50 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > It's true. A battery puked all over the battery compartment of my > hefty kewl wireless mouse. What's the best way to clean up battery puke? "Quick, Robin, hand me the Bat Battery Barf Bag!" commanded Batman as he yanked his hand away from his smoking mouse while staring at the screen of the Batpornputer. "Holy retching rodent!" yelled Robin, running to fetch the Bat Battery Barf Bag, the Bat Brawny Towels, and the Bat Bactine. But then, the Riddler popped out of the giant green paper bag covered with glowing questions marks which had been delivered earlier in the day and Batman hadn't bothered to open! "Riddle me this," riddled the Riddler ridiculously, "What! Is the best way! To clean up! Battery puke?" "A paper towel?" asked Robin, trying to tear one along the perforations with his measly, boy-like arms. "No, Robin!" said Batman, "To answer the riddle posed by a fiendish criminal, we must think like fiendish criminals! And that's part of his vile scheme -- to trick us into murdering each other just to make it easier to solve his riddle!" "Holy snuff knock-knock joke!" screamed Robin, temporarily forgetting the difference between the Riddler and the Knock-Knocker. The Riddler tap-danced his way across the Batcave, as best as his tight unitard would allow. "So, Batsie, I have an! Other! Riddle for you! How does electricity flow from the battery through a wireless mouse, if the mouse is completely wireless?" Batman gasped in horror at the logic of it all! "Oh no! If the mouse is wireless, then the electricity would be trapped within the battery forever! Robin, quick, cover your ears before this sadist's evil logic makes your brain explode as mine is about to!" Robin clapped his hands over his ears, curled up into a ball, and cried to keep himself safe from logic. Meanwhile, the Riddler used the tip of his umbrella to push lots of buttons on the Batpornputer. "Wait a minute," said Batman, "I thought the Penguin was the one who always carried an umbrella!" "Not a GREEN umbrella," hissed the Riddler. "A-HA! TRICKED YOU!" yelled Batman, "I MADE YOU SAY A DECLARATIVE SENTENCE INSTEAD OF A RIDDLE, THUS VIOLATING YOUR FUNDAMENTAL PREMISE!" "Yeah, so?" asked the Riddler in the form of a two-word riddle. Then Batman punched him. The End! -- K. I liked that "Star Trek" episode where Frank Gorshin was the Riddler on one side and that guy shouting "The government wants to give you stuff for FREEEE!" on the other side. Both halves of him were green, but one was intentionally creepy, and the other was the even crepier kind of creepy. One side was "creepy ha-ha" and the other was "creepy eww". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.rpg,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 23:31:02 -0500 In comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.rpg, "mr bernard langham" (speedwaystar@spammustdie.com.au) wrote: > > All replies in a plain brown xml wrapper please. I must need sleep. I swear that the first time I tried to read that sentence, the word "xml" was spelled "potato" and I was wondering why you wanted me to write you something on the inside of a baked potato with its brown skin still on, although I do agree with you that red potatoes just don't taste as good as the brown ones. Otherwise, please stop trying to confuse me with the old potatoes-vs-xml switcheroo. -- K. I just realized that I haven't eaten a french fry in several months. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:22:57 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.netcom.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just realized that I haven't eaten a french fry in several months. > > > > If I were you, I'd throw that french fry away and by a fresh one. > > If you see your calling in life being to protect Kibo from the things > he puts in his mouth, you're probably going to have to quit your day > job. Some things just can't be done in a half-assed fashion. Sorry, Kevin, but there's no way I'm going to put even half his ass in my mouth. (That type of ham ain't kosher!) I still haven't tried the deadly Looney Tunes brand root beer flavored pudding that some perverts on this group wanted me to eat, though I have a four-pack of that obviously disgusting sludge here. Oh, all right, I'll try some now. Now opening the Hunt's Snack Pack Looney Tunes Root Bear Float Twist... OH MY GOD THE COLOR OF THIS STUFF! It's a sort of greyish-tan goop the color of Michael Jackson halfway through an oatmeal facial. AND THE TASTE! YOW, THE TASTE! IT'S THE MOST MEDICINEY PUDDING EVER! I'm going to have trouble finishing the little cup of it. You know, if I close my eyes and hold my nose, I can pretend it's just rancid. -- K. And the free cutout of Bugs Bunny says I have to "ask an adult to cut along the dashed lines." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 00:37:14 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now opening the Hunt's Snack Pack Looney Tunes Root Bear Float Twist... > > ...AND HERE COME THE DANCING ROOT BEARS!!! OOPSIE! Freudian typo! OHWHATAGIVEAWAY! A little too "on-the-nose", don't you think? It's a total disasTRE'! > > OH MY GOD THE COLOR OF THIS STUFF! It's a sort of greyish-tan goop > > the color of Michael Jackson halfway through an oatmeal facial. > > Mmmm, technicolor Usenet. You just don't GET this in other newsgroups, I > tell you. The fascinating thing about this color is that it is the most perfectly indeterminate color yet invented by science. It's not clear whether it's closer to gray, tan, or beige. In essence, not only can't it decide WHICH color it is, it can't even decide it IS a color. This pudding's color story is more boring than "Gladiator"! > > AND THE TASTE! YOW, THE TASTE! IT'S THE MOST MEDICINEY PUDDING EVER! > > > > I'm going to have trouble finishing the little cup of it. > > Sorry about that. Hope you live to the end of the post. I got through a cup and a half and threw out the remaining half, and it changed to an even grosser color while sitting in the trash overnight. I have two cups left. I'd feed them to a bear I know but he's lactose-intolerant. -- K. I suppose I should be eating Otter Pops, if I can figure out how to open them with my Leatherman tool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:00:39 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I got through a cup and a half > > And here we have the essence of James "Kibo" Parry. > > The first cup was gross and disgusting and mediciney and nauseating, > and so was the second one. Hey, I thought they might have made a mistake and made the second cup delicious and yummy. Although I still worry that maybe they made the bottom half of it yummy and now I'll never know because I threw it out. Maybe I can still catch the garbage truck on its way to the dump... Naah, I got better things to do. It's possible to take "Re-enacting 'Fight Club' with gross food instead of fistfights" a little too seriously. I'll go back to doing it the regular way. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a clean pan to boil my new mouthguard in. (Something I can't talk about.) -- K. Why do all my favorite movies have to be ones that are really difficult to re-enact? Why couldn't I have liked something harmless, like "The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:06:34 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And the free cutout of Bugs Bunny says I have to "ask an adult to > > cut along the dashed lines." > > I suggest going out on the street and selecting adults at random, at > least until the police arrive. What if I were dressed as a cop? Wouldn't the random adults HAVE to help me with my cutouts or be put in jail for violating the directions on the Looney Tunes pudding cutout? > PS: Don't take a pair of scissors with you. Bring a knife. I was thinking knife, handcuffs, stapler, power drill, feather duster, arc welder, chest waders, bottle brush, flypaper, saddle, and half of a Lego Millennium Falcon. -- K. No Lego handcuffs, though, that set doesn't hold up well when you play with it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wacky Email Dream Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:35:07 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I dreamnt I gained god-like powers. How? I set my email controls to accept > everything. And it brought in everything, including the secrets of life. I dreamt I spammed some bozo until he got delusions of grandeur. AND NOW HE'S DEAD!!! -- K. I think tonight I'm going to have nightmares about this vile root beer flavored pudding that you people forced me to eat. Ecch! I'd rather lick a Bigfoot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wacky Email Dream Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:10:25 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think tonight I'm going to have nightmares about > > this vile root beer flavored pudding that you people > > forced me to eat. > > OK, who had 00:00-05:59 10 Feb in the betting pool? a) I did, and b) I can't be accused of cheating because I said you people FORCED me to eat it on the date of my choosing. > I admit I put my money on a much earlier date. I try not to spend any money until the second or third date. Did you know you can make a whole gourmet meal out of condiment packets swiped from Taco Bell? -- K. The trick is to suppress your urge to yell "BAM!" Instead you should say "OOPS!" That way you get sympathy when it comes out bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 16:52:01 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > Are beards and long hair obligatory arkdood coiffure? > > They were until Kibo shaved. It's okay, it's grown back, after all, that was five whole days ago. And I say it hardly counts anyway because I didn't choose to shave. As far as long hair goes, it's been a long time since I've had what I've considered "long" hair (I had shoulder-length hair when I was in college, but in recent years I've had a series of buzz cuts and medium-length period hairdos -- I got rid of "the Caligula" a while ago. Oh, and there was that one weekend I had a checkerboard shaved into my head.) > Arkchyx are different, of course. Moustache only. "It's a drawn-on mustache, Dave!" -- Phil Hartman That's not really relevant, but I always like remembering how he could make a perfectly ordinary sentence like that sound funnier than most people could make a really strange sentence. Now imagine him reading this entire article aloud to David Letterman ("I got rid of 'the Caligula' a while ago, Dave!") and hear it magically become worth listening to, even if David Letterman is on the same screen at the same time. -- K. "A sailor travels to many lands, anywhere he pleases..." (I miss Phil Hartman so much.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,melb.general,aus.music Subject: Re: Too many bands on this weekend even for me Followup-To: alt.stupidity Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:00:46 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, melb.general, and aus.music, Gary R. Schmidt (grschmidt@acm.org) wrote: > > But like many people who have been on the 'net since the days of 300 > baud acoustic couplers, I have collected more than a few e-mail > addresses, and not all of them have reflected my name. Dude, it really doesn't reflect well on you to brag about what a newbie you are. Some up us STILL haven't upgraded to 300 baud. > Some have not even been polished. Your ethnicity is no concern of mine. I would never take a cheap shot at your national heritage. It would be beneath me to do that to a fatty like you. > And as the ACM only started giving out the acm.org addresses a few years > ago, any inference to be drawn from it in re non-participation in a > newsfroup is foolish. Also, you should stop bragging about being in the American College of Mensa. > Bad poster, no donut. > > Cheers, > Gary B-) Wow, a smiley with sunglasses. Those take me back. When were smileys with sunglasses cooler than regular smileys? Was it back when sunglasses with a "Members Only" jacket were even cooler than just the jacket? -- K. That reminds me, I should throw mine out now that they're coming back as a retro-chic thing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 01:47:25 -0500 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > For example, one day Brenda upset me so much I literally ran down the > > hallway to the bathroom in an effort to keep from punching her and/or > > throwing up. (Whee, vomiting in anger is fun!) > > Have you considered a career as a end-of-level boss in videogames? I'm hoping to get reincarnated as a really boss videogame boss. I've always wanted to be the big guy from the end of the original "Descent". Oh, also, the wide guy from the final level of "Dark Forces" who has those glowing orbs that stick to the wall and go "GURBLE, GURBLE, GURBLE, FOOM!" although I'm not sure he really counts as the boss because there's that one brownshirt after him that you can take out with a single punch. And I'd be happy to be any of the bosses from "Galaga '88". It should go without saying, of course, that I'd sign right up to be you-know-who from "Sinistar". BEWARE! I LIVE! RUN, COWARD! AAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! -- K. Sadly, I'll probably just get reincarnated as one of the things from "Q*Bert". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:03:01 -0500 John Schmidt (a.dingo@mebay.biz) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Everything that happened when I was at Head Start was wrong. It was > > the wrong job, the wrong place, the wrong time. But when I think back > > on a lot of it I realize that I think most people there, even the ones > > who liked me, thought I was crazy. > > The easiest way to deal with this is simply to NOT GIVE A SHIT what > your coworkers think about you. Just be yourself, and if that's > not good enough for them, it's their tough luck. Bad karma will jump > on them like Junior Samples jumping on biscuits and gravy. > > Taking this attitude is often the only way to stay sane. Especially > if you are, in fact, crazy. What about those of us who go out of our way to make our co-workers think we're crazy? Are we super-sane? Should I show up to work in a straitjacket just to show them how sane I am? -- K. Which of the following have I NOT worn in the office? a) gas mask b) chain mail c) police jacket d) Commie hockey jersey e) necktie Hint: Neckties are for NERDS.