From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 01:48:58 -0500 A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing leather. (Never play an arcade game without a spotter when you're in a casino run by jerks.) And it's kind of a rip-off to have to pay four quarters for 30 seconds of fake electroshock that hardly even makes your vision blurry after five dollars' worth. That machine is the 79,999th biggest rip-off in Mohegan Sun! (I don't want to say which one of the 80,000 slot machines is the only bigger rip-off, although it might be one of the officially- licensed "Price Is Right" "Plinko" slot machine that don't even get stuck the way the real "Plinko" game on TV does.) Also, why does the "Uncle Fester" game play the song "Sunrise, Sunset"? The REAL Uncle Fester wasn't a Russian Jew! -- K. The "Uncle Fester" game is about 3% electrical shocks and 97% vibration, just like most Apple products. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:43:24 -0500 Garry Gnu (nognewsisgoodgnews@garryg.nu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the > > casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're > > enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from > > the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing > > leather. > > Words cannot reply to that. Hell, nothing can. You have succesfully > rendered an entire commnity speechless. Good, then we can all unsubscribe now that the Internet is over. -- K. (an unhired goon) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to spot a true friend. Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:36:00 -0500 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A true friend is one who will attempt to stand between you and the > > casino's hired goons who are making ready to grab you because you're > > enjoying yourself way too much getting pretend electrical shocks from > > the "Uncle Fester" game in the casino's video arcade while wearing > > leather. > > What kind of friend is one who will pay for your first-ever game of the > "Uncle Fester" game just so he can laugh at your unpleasant fake > electrocution? Because that's the kind I am. Cool! I'll be right over. Also, I'd hardly call it unpleasant. And it wasn't my first-ever game, just the first time I'd tried a machine that wasn't broken. The other one I had tried had broken vibrators so I just got the shock, which is really weak -- they obviously don't send an electric current between your two hands, since that would kill half the players, there's a light tingle from a skin current going through each electrode and there are vibrators inside that shake your hands violently about 20 times a second, a pretty good simulation of a high-frequency shock when it's not done right. But I knew it wasn't going to be real so I've only ever played it on the highest of the three settings. Every time I take it all the way to the end. (I don't get off rollercoasters halfway through, either.) There's also a "Star Trek" version of the game with a Borg theme, but again, last time I tried that one it was way too wimpy for me. I think the moving parts in these things are guaranteed to break, just like the always-stuck cannons in every "Star Trek: The Next Generation" pinball machine. > I wish I'd known about the "Uncle Fester" game at Mohegan Sun when I went > there with the same friend on New Year's Eve. I might have been able to > laugh at his vibrating hands again instead of just laughing at his huge > (relative to a grad student's income) gambling losses. I liked observing how whenever the vibrators kicked into high, my blurry thumb stuck out completely straight from the centrifugal force. The game is nicely calibrated -- if it had gone on for another few more seconds at the highest setting (it works it way up over 30 seconds) I probably would have lost my grip (and I'm sure most other people would have, too, assuming they even made it that far.) The tingle from the shocks is really nothing, but the vibration is so intense as to make you have real trouble hanging onto the two big buzzing chicken-switch electrodes. It winds up having very similar physiological aftereffects to other equally intense experiences (i.e. the casino looked a lot prettier afterwards, though it became even more disorienting than normal.) Dr. Kellogg would have liked that game. Actually, he probably would have found it unbearable. None of the vibrating or electroshocking gadgets in the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices were quite that intense (little antique vending machines that would give you a "therapeutic" shock for a nickel, Dr. Kellogg's vibrating chair, a Violet Wand, etc.) But Dr. Kellogg would have liked the concept of the game, especially if it was accompanied by two Mohegan Sun security guards ready to drag you off to his quack sanitarium for treatment if you either refused to play the game OR enjoyed it too much. -- K. The meters painted on the cabinet are calibrated in "jolts" and "vamps", but the game's score goes up to "3000 watts", because everyone knows that one second equals 100 watts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It may trouble you to know . . . Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:08:23 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > . . . that there are at least two people in the world who think it is > a good idea for me to babysit a 2-year-old for two hours today, by myself. What a crazy idea! Everyone knows you're just supposed to deposit the toddler in the Junior Gambling Area Disguised As A Video Arcade in the back of the casino while Mommy and/or Daddy gamble their brains out because it's the safest place for kids to be because they make sure to have casino enforcers rough up any scary guys playing the video games. They drag them off into the back room and beat them over the head with their own biker boots after they spend six dollars having too much fun, but fortunately I only had five dollars' worth of tokens. See my previous article for fewer details. > Also, neener, neener. > > (I wonder where they hid the Nanny Cam.) It could be worse. You could be living in an "Itchy & Scratchy" episode. Check to make sure that the toddler isn't really just a big pile of flaming dynamite in a toddler outfit. If so, don't try to blow out the fuse because these things always explode while you're puckered up comically. Also check that you're not in the "Daria" episode where she and Jane brainwash the two little kids into never listening to their dopey parents ever again. -- K. Also, Mohegan Sun reflects the noble heritage of those Native Americans who lived in a pure, natural landscape constructed entirely from translucent plastic triangles by Sid & Marty Krofft. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Make Money at Home in Your Underwear! Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:19:50 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > A coworker told me he saw a stop smoking infomercial on late night tv. They > were advertising a stop-smoking medicine that would work in one week. The > best part was they were giving it away. And shipping and handling was only > $8 per bottle. He said he figured it was worth a shot for only 8 bucks, so > he called with his shipping info and they got his checking account info and > drafted the charge from that. A week later he got a package in the mail > that contained 8 bottle and they charged him $64! I laughed and laughed. I bet he also buys rubber bands from those eBay auctions that put up half a bag of moldy old rubber bands for a penny (half what they're worth) and clicks "Buy It Now!" before seeing that the seller is charging $15.95 shipping to dump them into an envelope with a stamp on it? > Yes, this guy actually bought a product from an infomercial that would show > him how to make money at home in his underwear. Could be worse... He could have paid to learn how to make fudge in his underwear. HA HA, I SAID A POTTY SENTENCE! FOR FREE! THAT MEANS, NO REFUNDS! > He also fell for that late-night no-money-down real estate scam. > Some people never learn. I will also wager he's the reason some casinos have both "American Roulette" and "French Roulette" just so that he can play the proper American variety and not the one which is exactly the same except with better odds that you can determine by counting the number of deadly green spaces highlighted on the wheel. -- K. (Why do you work at a company that hires idiots?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:45:17 -0500 Okay, so, on Thursday, I wrote about how I accidentally wound up looking like Ted Cassidy (Lurch on "The Addams Family") in his "Star Trek" guest appearance because I happened to have schmutz on my face in just the right pattern to make my tall pale head look like him in his scary robot makeup. And today, I wrote about how casino security almost had to beat me because I was enjoying the "Uncle Fester's Electric Chair" arcade game too much (instead of actually gambling) while wearing all black and having a shaved head so that they got suspicious and said to themselves, "Hey! He looks too much like Uncle Fester! Get him away from the 'Uncle Fester's Electric Chair' machine before he puts it in his mouth, causing a blackout that would make people unable to gamble!" These two unrelated incidents have clearly established a pattern. So, which "Addams Family" character will I be mistaken for next? How will "The Addams Family" continue to interfere with my private life? HELP, I AM BEING STALKED BY A BLACK AND WHITE TV SHOW! -- K. Or should I just go skiing to see if I can go on both sides of the same tree at the same time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 16:42:26 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, which "Addams Family" character will I be mistaken for next? > > Having watched your hyperflexible wrists allow your hyperextensible > fingers to massage the workings of Paula's new laptop that one time, > I'd definitely have to vote for Thing. It's interesting how when I asked a.r.k which celebrity I should get married to, it only got a few responses, and people didn't take the question all that seriously, but now that I've asked a light question about "The Addams Family", _everyone_ is telling me to be Thing. DOES NOBODY HERE BELIEVE I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE GOMEZ? I mean, I do own lots of swords. -- K. "Dirty pool, old man... I like it!" (Two Secret Bonus Points will be awarded to the first person who knows what you have to do to get the "Addams Family" pinball machine to say that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 23:08:33 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Dirty pool, old man... I like it!" > > > > (Two Secret Bonus Points will be awarded to the first person who > > knows what you have to do to get the "Addams Family" pinball machine > > to say that.) > > Close the bookcase, and THEN get the ball into the vault. > > Make it a hard one next time, like what order you have to drop off your > passengers in Taxi to relight the jackpot. Oh, man. Now I'm so conflicted. I had my heart all set on fake-marrying Jack Black but now I'm mad with desire for someone else. Kerri, if you tell me you've been "Lost In The Zone" on the "Twilight Zone" machine and killed Davros on the "Doctor Who" machine, I'm going to buy you such a big fat wedding ring. -- K. Technically you don't have to close the bookcase, it starts out that way, you just have to hop the ball over the bookcase any time you're not supposed to. I like that they knew that design flaw would make that happen just often enough to merit its own line of dialogue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Mon, 09 Feb 2004 00:27:23 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > Close the bookcase, and THEN get the ball into the vault. > > > > Kerri, if you tell me you've been "Lost In The Zone" on the "Twilight > > Zone" machine and killed Davros on the "Doctor Who" machine, I'm going > > to buy you such a big fat wedding ring. > > The engagement ring's first, THEN the wedding ring. Don't you watch > any Ashton Kutcher movies at all? No. But if I've been getting the rings in the wrong order, that might help to explain why my past marriages to all those massively untalented actresses from bad TV shows didn't go as well as they should have. > Also, pinball is HARD. There's no one willing to tell you the cheat > codes on pinball and yoiu can't hack the code It's usually hidden in the painting on the back glass, or the little instruction card nobody reads. Like, the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" one has "RRLLRLRL" (if memory serves) written on it somewhere to tell you how to pick up the bonus yummy during the shuttle simulation (unless you'd rather play the secret lame poker mode which requires you to grab the gun with the wrong hand while simultaneously pressing the right flipper.) > and all the machines I've played in the last 15 years have that > little pole right in the center designed specifically to SCREW YOU OVER. That post is pretty useful if the "gravity" on the machine is set right. The post does bad things if you're at one of those arcades that removes all the bubble levels from the games so that they can turn the gravity down (people think that makes the game easier, but it really doesn't, it makes the ball move to the side more easily so it drains down the side slots. Arcades take out the levels just so that they can set up the machines wrong without giving you any warning. The game is harder if the gravity is either raised or lowered from its intended position.) I used to avoid any arcade that had missing bubble levels (or didn't have the black flippers, or other tell-tale signs that they didn't want serious players) but there are so few working pinball machines in the world these days that I'll take what I can get. > Either that or if you sneeze too hard the machine tilts. Wimps. I never get a "tilt". I seldom even try to shake the machine. That's for AMATEURS! I do, however, know which machines can be slammed where (Fonzie-style) to get free credits. There are a lot of ones out there (particularly in college student unions) that have "accidental" short circuits that cause a credit to register when the left side of the machine is lifted and dropped on the floor, etc. -- K. I made a little money sharking people at pool and table hockey in the olden days, but I respect the game of pinball too much to exploit it in that way even though I'm sooooooo goooooooood. I wonder if there's a way to shark people at the Uncle Fester electrocution game? Should I be a slick shock shark? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 13:21:52 -0500 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Family legend has it that when the kids got out of line on a Sunday > drive, my grandfather would say, "Take the wheel, mother!" and then reach > back and start randomly biffing people. (Here comes a meme!) > I really think that "Take the wheel, mother!" should come back into > fashion as some sort of a catchphrase, although I'm not sure what it > would mean. But I'll bet there's a parallel dimension where "Take the > wheel, mother!" occupies the same cultural slot as "Sock it to me!" or > "Dy-no-mite!" I'm not so sure that would be a parallel dimension. It would be a _funnier_ dimension, and therefore not the same shape and size as our own, therefore it could not be geometrically parallel. We got "How's your mom, Ed?" and they've got "Take the wheel, mother!" We've got "Ayyyyyyy!" and they've got "Owwwwwwww!" ("Take the wheel, Fonzie!") However, I thought that in those days the cars were big enough that you couldn't reach back to the second of the eight rows of seats unless your arms were a hundred zillion feet long. Are you saying my memories of my assumptions about how big things were before I was even born might not be true? -- K. "Take the wheel, mother!" It's a catch-all catchphrase useful in any social situation! Just mime letting go of a wheel and then start breaking faces! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:02:16 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I once read a Real Parenting Expert advising parents to take their > kids, when they're at the don't-make-me-turn-this-car-around age, to > the grocery store _at times when you don't need to go to the store_, > specifically so you can turn this car around without screwing up your life. Sheesh. What parenting magazine was this, "Mental Cruelty Digest?" "Sadomasochist's Circle"? "Evil Parent Weekly"? "Pervention"? > Said expert didn't say what to do once you got to the grocery store if > your child happened to behave on the way. "Oh, duh, honey, I forgot! > We don't need anything!" Matt? This is your cue to jump into this thread for precisely four minutes and thirty-three seconds. > And then there's, what do you do if they're misbehaving on the way > back from the store? Turn around and go grocery shopping some more? "I'm going to take you to the Bad Children's Store and return you for a full refund! And then I'm going to go over to the toy store and use that money to buy a bunch of toys which I'm going to burn just to make sure that no kids can ever have them! NOW STOP CRYING OR I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT! And you're almost too big to be strapped into that car seat now that you're twelve -- STOP GROWING OR I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO GROW ABOUT!" (I predict Paula's already dialing the phone to tell the government to never allow me to have children, adopt, babysit, become a teacher, or appear on "Sesame Street".) -- K. I miss my Skinner Box. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 20:16:48 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] STOP GROWING OR I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO GROW ABOUT! > > > > (I predict Paula's already dialing the phone to tell the government > > to never allow me to have children, adopt, babysit, become a teacher, > > or appear on "Sesame Street".) > > Nah, I already know that while evil, you are also very intelligent and > have therefore already figured out that you want nothing to do with > kids on a regular basis. Kids are great. I like that they have senses of humor that most adults lose when they grow up. They can appreciate jokes that we can't. > Only the stupid would have children or work with children and only > the insanely stupid would do both. What if I'm insanely smart? Does that make me as much fun to be around as Stephen Hawking in a straitjacket and muzzle? (And don't worry, I didn't buy that jar of fava beans last year to re-enact "The Silence Of The Lambs". I just needed some fava beans to re-enact an authentic Roman army decimation scene. It's sort of like the "Price Is Right"'s "Three Strikes" game except you only have to draw one beet-juice-stained bean out of the sack before you lose. And then Bob Barker puts on a big show of phony sympathy as he says, "Awwwwww, youuuu've just been beaten to deaaaaath.") > I was once in a Mailboxes Etc store trying to get some stuff packaged > and mailed. My kids were messing around and started to get kind of > loud. I said, "Absolute silence" and there was immediate silence. > The women behind the counter were astonished. That was before the > girls had learned "Arms folded, absolute silence." I don't know what > the counter ladies would do if they saw that one. Especially if it was Stephen Hawking in the a straitjacket and muzzle. > I try never to make a threat that I can't or won't follow through on. > The kids help me with this. For example, one time when Mimi was two > or three, I was so frustrated with her that I told her that if she > didn't knock it off I was going to strangle her or something like that. > "Mom," she said, "that would not be appwopwiate." Yeah, and besides, it would be painful for you if you're keeping the kids in spiked dog collars. -- K. Unless you have steel hooks for hands. Those are very useful. All parents should have at least one steel hook somewhere on their body, (preferably not on the face.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is it possible to be stalked by a sitcom premise? Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:28:34 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I used to avoid any arcade that had missing bubble levels (or didn't > > have the black flippers, or other tell-tale signs that they didn't > > want serious players) but there are so few working pinball machines > > in the world these days that I'll take what I can get. > > OK. I'm lost. What's the deal with black flippers? Are they made out of > a special material so they don't get stuck or a springier material or what? Generally speaking, red rubber bands around the flippers are soft and squishy, black rubber bands are tight and springy. The game goes more slowly with the red ones but a good player can aim more precisely with the black ones. Avoid any pinball machine that has one of each. Or I could just be making all this up. You'll never know until I beat you by a factor of ten. > I never paid attention to flipper coloration before. That's not entirely > true... I won't accept any other kind of flipper but black when playing, > "Shamu: The Pinball Adventure" Score 50,000,000 and the machine will yell, "Free Willy's Extra Ball!" -- K. Black rubber is always the best kind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Battery Puked All Over My Wireless Mouse. HELP! Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 17:03:50 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > It's true. A battery puked all over the battery compartment of my > hefty kewl wireless mouse. What's the best way to clean up battery puke? "Quick, Robin, hand me the Bat Battery Barf Bag!" commanded Batman as he yanked his hand away from his smoking mouse while staring at the screen of the Batpornputer. "Holy retching rodent!" yelled Robin, running to fetch the Bat Battery Barf Bag, the Bat Brawny Towels, and the Bat Bactine. But then, the Riddler popped out of the giant green paper bag covered with glowing questions marks which had been delivered earlier in the day and Batman hadn't bothered to open! "Riddle me this," riddled the Riddler ridiculously, "What! Is the best way! To clean up! Battery puke?" "A paper towel?" asked Robin, trying to tear one along the perforations with his measly, boy-like arms. "No, Robin!" said Batman, "To answer the riddle posed by a fiendish criminal, we must think like fiendish criminals! And that's part of his vile scheme -- to trick us into murdering each other just to make it easier to solve his riddle!" "Holy snuff knock-knock joke!" screamed Robin, temporarily forgetting the difference between the Riddler and the Knock-Knocker. The Riddler tap-danced his way across the Batcave, as best as his tight unitard would allow. "So, Batsie, I have an! Other! Riddle for you! How does electricity flow from the battery through a wireless mouse, if the mouse is completely wireless?" Batman gasped in horror at the logic of it all! "Oh no! If the mouse is wireless, then the electricity would be trapped within the battery forever! Robin, quick, cover your ears before this sadist's evil logic makes your brain explode as mine is about to!" Robin clapped his hands over his ears, curled up into a ball, and cried to keep himself safe from logic. Meanwhile, the Riddler used the tip of his umbrella to push lots of buttons on the Batpornputer. "Wait a minute," said Batman, "I thought the Penguin was the one who always carried an umbrella!" "Not a GREEN umbrella," hissed the Riddler. "A-HA! TRICKED YOU!" yelled Batman, "I MADE YOU SAY A DECLARATIVE SENTENCE INSTEAD OF A RIDDLE, THUS VIOLATING YOUR FUNDAMENTAL PREMISE!" "Yeah, so?" asked the Riddler in the form of a two-word riddle. Then Batman punched him. The End! -- K. I liked that "Star Trek" episode where Frank Gorshin was the Riddler on one side and that guy shouting "The government wants to give you stuff for FREEEE!" on the other side. Both halves of him were green, but one was intentionally creepy, and the other was the even crepier kind of creepy. One side was "creepy ha-ha" and the other was "creepy eww". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.rpg,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 08 Feb 2004 23:31:02 -0500 In comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.rpg, "mr bernard langham" (speedwaystar@spammustdie.com.au) wrote: > > All replies in a plain brown xml wrapper please. I must need sleep. I swear that the first time I tried to read that sentence, the word "xml" was spelled "potato" and I was wondering why you wanted me to write you something on the inside of a baked potato with its brown skin still on, although I do agree with you that red potatoes just don't taste as good as the brown ones. Otherwise, please stop trying to confuse me with the old potatoes-vs-xml switcheroo. -- K. I just realized that I haven't eaten a french fry in several months. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:22:57 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.netcom.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just realized that I haven't eaten a french fry in several months. > > > > If I were you, I'd throw that french fry away and by a fresh one. > > If you see your calling in life being to protect Kibo from the things > he puts in his mouth, you're probably going to have to quit your day > job. Some things just can't be done in a half-assed fashion. Sorry, Kevin, but there's no way I'm going to put even half his ass in my mouth. (That type of ham ain't kosher!) I still haven't tried the deadly Looney Tunes brand root beer flavored pudding that some perverts on this group wanted me to eat, though I have a four-pack of that obviously disgusting sludge here. Oh, all right, I'll try some now. Now opening the Hunt's Snack Pack Looney Tunes Root Bear Float Twist... OH MY GOD THE COLOR OF THIS STUFF! It's a sort of greyish-tan goop the color of Michael Jackson halfway through an oatmeal facial. AND THE TASTE! YOW, THE TASTE! IT'S THE MOST MEDICINEY PUDDING EVER! I'm going to have trouble finishing the little cup of it. You know, if I close my eyes and hold my nose, I can pretend it's just rancid. -- K. And the free cutout of Bugs Bunny says I have to "ask an adult to cut along the dashed lines." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 00:37:14 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now opening the Hunt's Snack Pack Looney Tunes Root Bear Float Twist... > > ...AND HERE COME THE DANCING ROOT BEARS!!! OOPSIE! Freudian typo! OHWHATAGIVEAWAY! A little too "on-the-nose", don't you think? It's a total disasTRE'! > > OH MY GOD THE COLOR OF THIS STUFF! It's a sort of greyish-tan goop > > the color of Michael Jackson halfway through an oatmeal facial. > > Mmmm, technicolor Usenet. You just don't GET this in other newsgroups, I > tell you. The fascinating thing about this color is that it is the most perfectly indeterminate color yet invented by science. It's not clear whether it's closer to gray, tan, or beige. In essence, not only can't it decide WHICH color it is, it can't even decide it IS a color. This pudding's color story is more boring than "Gladiator"! > > AND THE TASTE! YOW, THE TASTE! IT'S THE MOST MEDICINEY PUDDING EVER! > > > > I'm going to have trouble finishing the little cup of it. > > Sorry about that. Hope you live to the end of the post. I got through a cup and a half and threw out the remaining half, and it changed to an even grosser color while sitting in the trash overnight. I have two cups left. I'd feed them to a bear I know but he's lactose-intolerant. -- K. I suppose I should be eating Otter Pops, if I can figure out how to open them with my Leatherman tool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:00:39 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I got through a cup and a half > > And here we have the essence of James "Kibo" Parry. > > The first cup was gross and disgusting and mediciney and nauseating, > and so was the second one. Hey, I thought they might have made a mistake and made the second cup delicious and yummy. Although I still worry that maybe they made the bottom half of it yummy and now I'll never know because I threw it out. Maybe I can still catch the garbage truck on its way to the dump... Naah, I got better things to do. It's possible to take "Re-enacting 'Fight Club' with gross food instead of fistfights" a little too seriously. I'll go back to doing it the regular way. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a clean pan to boil my new mouthguard in. (Something I can't talk about.) -- K. Why do all my favorite movies have to be ones that are really difficult to re-enact? Why couldn't I have liked something harmless, like "The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where is "Great Kibo" now? (long) Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:06:34 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And the free cutout of Bugs Bunny says I have to "ask an adult to > > cut along the dashed lines." > > I suggest going out on the street and selecting adults at random, at > least until the police arrive. What if I were dressed as a cop? Wouldn't the random adults HAVE to help me with my cutouts or be put in jail for violating the directions on the Looney Tunes pudding cutout? > PS: Don't take a pair of scissors with you. Bring a knife. I was thinking knife, handcuffs, stapler, power drill, feather duster, arc welder, chest waders, bottle brush, flypaper, saddle, and half of a Lego Millennium Falcon. -- K. No Lego handcuffs, though, that set doesn't hold up well when you play with it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wacky Email Dream Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:35:07 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I dreamnt I gained god-like powers. How? I set my email controls to accept > everything. And it brought in everything, including the secrets of life. I dreamt I spammed some bozo until he got delusions of grandeur. AND NOW HE'S DEAD!!! -- K. I think tonight I'm going to have nightmares about this vile root beer flavored pudding that you people forced me to eat. Ecch! I'd rather lick a Bigfoot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wacky Email Dream Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:10:25 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think tonight I'm going to have nightmares about > > this vile root beer flavored pudding that you people > > forced me to eat. > > OK, who had 00:00-05:59 10 Feb in the betting pool? a) I did, and b) I can't be accused of cheating because I said you people FORCED me to eat it on the date of my choosing. > I admit I put my money on a much earlier date. I try not to spend any money until the second or third date. Did you know you can make a whole gourmet meal out of condiment packets swiped from Taco Bell? -- K. The trick is to suppress your urge to yell "BAM!" Instead you should say "OOPS!" That way you get sympathy when it comes out bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 16:52:01 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > Are beards and long hair obligatory arkdood coiffure? > > They were until Kibo shaved. It's okay, it's grown back, after all, that was five whole days ago. And I say it hardly counts anyway because I didn't choose to shave. As far as long hair goes, it's been a long time since I've had what I've considered "long" hair (I had shoulder-length hair when I was in college, but in recent years I've had a series of buzz cuts and medium-length period hairdos -- I got rid of "the Caligula" a while ago. Oh, and there was that one weekend I had a checkerboard shaved into my head.) > Arkchyx are different, of course. Moustache only. "It's a drawn-on mustache, Dave!" -- Phil Hartman That's not really relevant, but I always like remembering how he could make a perfectly ordinary sentence like that sound funnier than most people could make a really strange sentence. Now imagine him reading this entire article aloud to David Letterman ("I got rid of 'the Caligula' a while ago, Dave!") and hear it magically become worth listening to, even if David Letterman is on the same screen at the same time. -- K. "A sailor travels to many lands, anywhere he pleases..." (I miss Phil Hartman so much.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,melb.general,aus.music Subject: Re: Too many bands on this weekend even for me Followup-To: alt.stupidity Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2004 17:00:46 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, melb.general, and aus.music, Gary R. Schmidt (grschmidt@acm.org) wrote: > > But like many people who have been on the 'net since the days of 300 > baud acoustic couplers, I have collected more than a few e-mail > addresses, and not all of them have reflected my name. Dude, it really doesn't reflect well on you to brag about what a newbie you are. Some up us STILL haven't upgraded to 300 baud. > Some have not even been polished. Your ethnicity is no concern of mine. I would never take a cheap shot at your national heritage. It would be beneath me to do that to a fatty like you. > And as the ACM only started giving out the acm.org addresses a few years > ago, any inference to be drawn from it in re non-participation in a > newsfroup is foolish. Also, you should stop bragging about being in the American College of Mensa. > Bad poster, no donut. > > Cheers, > Gary B-) Wow, a smiley with sunglasses. Those take me back. When were smileys with sunglasses cooler than regular smileys? Was it back when sunglasses with a "Members Only" jacket were even cooler than just the jacket? -- K. That reminds me, I should throw mine out now that they're coming back as a retro-chic thing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 01:47:25 -0500 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > For example, one day Brenda upset me so much I literally ran down the > > hallway to the bathroom in an effort to keep from punching her and/or > > throwing up. (Whee, vomiting in anger is fun!) > > Have you considered a career as a end-of-level boss in videogames? I'm hoping to get reincarnated as a really boss videogame boss. I've always wanted to be the big guy from the end of the original "Descent". Oh, also, the wide guy from the final level of "Dark Forces" who has those glowing orbs that stick to the wall and go "GURBLE, GURBLE, GURBLE, FOOM!" although I'm not sure he really counts as the boss because there's that one brownshirt after him that you can take out with a single punch. And I'd be happy to be any of the bosses from "Galaga '88". It should go without saying, of course, that I'd sign right up to be you-know-who from "Sinistar". BEWARE! I LIVE! RUN, COWARD! AAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! -- K. Sadly, I'll probably just get reincarnated as one of the things from "Q*Bert". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 16:07:10 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Bad Stuff should NOT oughta be a contest. Every Kibologist who > > declares Bad Stuff in a post ought to be given respeck and sympathy > > and allowed to wallow for a couple of days. NO trying to top them > > with YOUR list of Bad Stuff. > > What about trying to bottom them with...er...wait, wrong froup. Bottoming them with blueberry topping in the middle? YOUR KINK IS NOT OK! (I'm going to keep saying that until it becomes an acronym so that I can stop saying it, because I don't use those silly Internet acronyms except in the privacy of my own home.) -- K. (that doesn't count as an acronym, it's just a sign that my articles are kosher) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 20:09:56 -0500 [regarding the hot new catch-phrase "Your Kink Is Not Okay" which is sweeping the parts of the nation that talk about stuff] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I'm going to keep saying that until it becomes an acronym > > YOUR ABBREVIATION KINK IS NOT OKAY! Regardless of whether it has to do > with distance or duration, YAKINO sounds like "Yucky! No!" Only gambling > addicts who go to places like Mohegan Sun and Roxbury Xing would think of > it as "Yeah! Keno!" And only glop tentacle pr0n addicts would say "YAKI" > sounds like "yummy" and, um, I don't even know what "NO" means to them. Let's just agree that Kink Is Barely Okay. Uh-oh! I just made up a new origin story for my name, in the form of an acronym! Help, I've sunk to the level of creativity of Eric S. Raymond! -- K. Kibo Is Basically Overrated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Thu, 12 Feb 2004 22:03:01 -0500 John Schmidt (a.dingo@mebay.biz) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Everything that happened when I was at Head Start was wrong. It was > > the wrong job, the wrong place, the wrong time. But when I think back > > on a lot of it I realize that I think most people there, even the ones > > who liked me, thought I was crazy. > > The easiest way to deal with this is simply to NOT GIVE A SHIT what > your coworkers think about you. Just be yourself, and if that's > not good enough for them, it's their tough luck. Bad karma will jump > on them like Junior Samples jumping on biscuits and gravy. > > Taking this attitude is often the only way to stay sane. Especially > if you are, in fact, crazy. What about those of us who go out of our way to make our co-workers think we're crazy? Are we super-sane? Should I show up to work in a straitjacket just to show them how sane I am? -- K. Which of the following have I NOT worn in the office? a) gas mask b) chain mail c) police jacket d) Commie hockey jersey e) necktie Hint: Neckties are for NERDS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 17:40:47 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What about those of us who go out of our way to make our co-workers > > think we're crazy? Are we super-sane? > > ONE OF US. ONE OF US. Okay, now, Stacia, what if I were to go out of my way to make YOU think I'm crazy? Then would I be so far beyond sane that not even a professional psychobabbler could make up a term for it? I DEFY ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY TO MAKE UP A TERM FOR JUST HOW SANE I AM!!! -- K. The "I eat glue." T-shirt obviously isn't working. I should try getting a T-shirt made up that says "I eat T-shirts that say 'I eat T-shirts'." Either that or I should release a vanity album consisting of 74 minutes of me speaking in tongues. Glossolalia is fun and could be the most alternative rap album ever! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something That Bothers Me Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 20:58:08 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I DEFY ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY TO MAKE UP A TERM FOR JUST HOW SANE I AM!!! > > Sano-magnetic. Duh. That sounds too much like something that would fizz with every flush. "My bathroom is kitchen clean, and my brain is toilet clean!" It would be a product that would somehow work on the toilet bowl despite being stuck to the outside (with one of your kids' crayon drawings hanging from it.) Also, magnets don't represent good mental health, because most of them are bipolar (the ones that aren't are all stuck to each other in a wad somewhere at the other end of the galaxy.) And I don't magically cure arthritis, I induce it from a distance. -- K. My brain only fizzes with every straight flush, unless it's dark on Tuesday, in which case it's a royal Fizzbin and a royal flush at the same time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paging - redundant Mr Swilson - Mr Swilson to the back of the queue please Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 02:56:49 -0500 "CM" (maso@plonku.com.au) wrote: > > [...] > > Incidently, what are your new mail rule naming rule options? nice... or > naughty. > > Cheers, > maso Eh... I could... heh-heh-heh... you'll be so... heh-heh... naah... too obvious. Never mind. -- K. (sado) (This is where, if messages could contain fonts, I'd add "GET IT?" in 387-point Futura Black with about eight underlines, at least one of them squiggly for emphasis.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Paging - redundant Mr Swilson - Mr Swilson to the back of the queue please Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 03:32:19 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (sado) > > > > (This is where, if messages could contain fonts, > > I'd add "GET IT?" in 387-point Futura Black with > > about eight underlines, at least one of them > > squiggly for emphasis.) > > You're a SADO-MAGNETIST? Is that one of those people who goes around > inflicting MAGNETIC PAIN on people? > > THE MAGNETS! STOP THE MAGNETS!!! OWW THE EARTH'S MAGNETIC FIELD IS > POKING INTO ME!! I swear on a stack of pancakes that I'm so tired right now that when I tried to read that paragraph, it said "STOP THE MIDGETS!!!" and I was about to yell "YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY UNLESS YOU CALL THEM LITTLE PEOPLE!!!" but then I suddenly got tired of pretending to be polymorphously perverse and so now I'll drop the act and go back to being a guy with absolutely no interest in bondage, latex, leather, whips, chains, oatmeal, geckos, home-made hang-gliders, molten glass unicorn statuettes, wet Pez, Underdog, carpet samples, straightening curly fries, and/or highly censored Wacky Packages. So I wish all you people would stop talking about kinky stuff because it makes me very uncomfortable to realize that I'm the only one on the Internet who's not a total frickin' prevert. -- K. Oh, and the Earth's magnetic field doesn't poke, it just rubs uncomfortably. And mostly on parts of your body that are on the inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paging - redundant Mr Swilson - Mr Swilson to the back of the queue please Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 20:25:46 -0500 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I wish all you people would stop talking about kinky stuff because > > it makes me very uncomfortable to realize that I'm the only one on > > the Internet who's not a total frickin' prevert. > > YOUR LACK OF A KINK IS NOT OK. I didn't say I wasn't kinky, I just said I was the only one here who's not a total frickin' pervert. I might be kinky in one of the other senses of the word, such as, instead of elbow joints I might have kinky Slinky arms like a life-size Tom Servo. Also, the phrase "Kinky Stuff" sounds like a hair de-frizzing gel Garrett Morris would have marketed before his head exploded. -- K. So why ARE the readers of a.r.k the biggest bunch of perverts outside Germany? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Barbie and Ken to split up. Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 03:19:46 -0500 OH NO! A NEWS STORY SAYS THAT BARBIE AND KEN ARE NO LONGER GOING TO HAVE THE SAME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP, WHATEVER THE HELL THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO INANIMATE PLASTIC OBJECTS THAT ARE SOLD SEPARATELY WAS EVER SUPPOSED TO BE! CNN.com informed me: -> -> It's splitsville for Barbie and Ken -> -> Couple 'will remain friends,' says Mattel -> -> Thursday, February 12, 2004 Posted: 7:35 PM EST (0035 GMT) -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- Just like J.Lo and Ben, the romance is over -> for Barbie and Ken. Well, sooner or later she was bound to find out he's not anatomically correct. I predict she'll start dating Joey Stivic. -> After 43 years as one of the world's prettiest pairs, the -> perfect plastic couple is breaking up. That's what they get for using those cheap ball-and-socket joints. -> The couple's "business manager," Russell Arons, vice president -> of marketing at Mattel, said that Barbie and Ken "feel it's -> time to spend some quality time -- apart." And to think we had to hear the bad news from the dolls' business manager, not the dolls' relationship guru or the dolls' talking robot dog! -> "Like other celebrity couples, their Hollywood romance has come -> to an end," said Arons, who quickly added that the duo "will -> remain friends." And now Ken will have his mid-life crisis and get a different pink plastic sports car and have a new toupee painted on his head. -> Arons denied that there was any truth to rumors that the breakup -> was linked to the Cali (as in California) Girl Barbie, arriving -> in stores now. To better reflect her single status, Cali Barbie -> will wear board shorts and a bikini top, metal hoop earrings, -> and have a deeper tan. Earrings mean single! And so does skin cancer! -> This new style already has attracted a new admirer, Blaine the -> Australian boogie boarder. But Blaine is a GAY name for a doll! -> Barbie -- the most popular fashion doll in the world, according -> to toy maker Mattel -- met Ken on the set of a TV commercial in -> 1961, and they have been inseparable ever since. Even after that incident where Ken tried to give her a haircut and then had to order her a replacement head? -> Arons hinted Wednesday that the separation may be partially due -> to Ken's reluctance to getting married. All those bridal Barbie -> dolls in toy chests around the globe are really just examples of -> Barbie's wishful thinking, she explained. Is there a button I can push to have a fleet of helicopters spray a cloud of Thorazine over Mattel's headquarters? I'm not sure why this Arons person has come so completely unglued, but I want to help bring her back to reality, providing I can find the magic black helicopter drug-spray button on my keyboard. -> Another possible factor is Barbie's career. The doll who was -> "born" Barbie Millicent Roberts in 1959 has been everything from -> a rock star to military medic, and she's currently marketed in -> more than 150 countries. According to Mattel, every second, -> three Barbie dolls are sold somewhere in the world. Actually, it's just one doll being passed around on eBay. -> So where does that leave Ken? Said Arons: "He will head for -> other waves." Dear Ken, Someday you will learn that surfing is no substitute for sex, even with a creepy plastic person like Barbie. Also, maybe next time you'll have better luck if you pick a girlfriend whose chest wasn't sculpted by the same people who designed all those pointy-finned cars of the 1950s. -- K. Some better ideas for revitalizing Barbie: Political Cover-Up Barbie Skinless Barbie Night Terror Barbie Hexaflexagon Barbie Sewage Treatment Barbie Edible Barbie Poisonous Barbie Durian-Scented Invisible Barbie Big Adam's Apple Barbie Laser Eye Surgon With The DTs Barbie Barbie In A Drum Vibrating Barbie ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Yali Pears Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 20:34:49 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > HuWAAAAAHHH? Why do people do these things? Okay, you know how when > > you buy oranges or apples, or when you take them off trees? Wherever > > the fruit is -- is it actually COLD? Or even particularly COOL? > > Well no, but then neither is a hospital's obstetric unit. It is if you're born with a fever. > But once a fruit DIES, or a people DIES, you'd better goddamn well > keep them COLD, or you're gonna have right some Jeebus SMELL to deal > with, mister Farm-Boy. How do you kill a banana? (Answer on other side.) ...then when you print this out and flip the sheet of paper over, somehow, the other side says the same thing, so the sheet of paper takes forever to read, unless you take the curse off it by spelling the word "image" and then saying "light bulb". > Them "grocery stores" are like the trip to the morgue, which is your > HOUSE. The fruit gets picked off its warm tree, and it starts to DIE, > and it's rushed to the "grocery store" where it lies around waiting > for YOU to come get it and take it to the morgue. And some big > Harvest Gold upright side-by-side in your morgue better be COLD, I am > telling you, or that fruit won't keep long enough for you to > cannibalize. And you're not just talking cannibalism, you're talking necrocannibalism -- unlike the more socially acceptable form where you're eating people who aren't dead yet. > I'm gonna go have me some pigmeat now. You can swallow a pint of bacon grease before you get sick. -- K. Can I get this fruit in cornflower blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Yali Pears Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 21:51:42 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) writes: > > > > Well no, but then neither is a hospital's obstetric unit. But once a > > fruit DIES, or a people DIES, you'd better goddamn well keep them > > COLD, or you're gonna have right some Jeebus SMELL to deal with, > > mister Farm-Boy. > > Jeez, what kinds of fruit are you buying? Meat? Here's an uninteresting thought: It's a lot easier to genetically-engineer an animal (other than a bull) to produce steaks than to design an animal to produce hamburger, because it's hard to make meat grow already ground-up. But I bet that it would be easier to make a fruit grow gloppy, mushy hamburger inside than to make a fruit that has a steak sticking out of one end. I mean, a banana is practically halfway to being lard already. Oh, also, diatoms are the world's tiniest grandpa candy. Or possibly cough drops (which are really just grandpa candy plus a sprinkle of Gold Bond Medicated Powder.) -- K. Yesterday I had my first banana in 25 years. I had forgotten how alien they are. Fruit should not be greasy! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Spammer with the cutest fake name ever! Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2004 20:42:54 -0500 I tell you, those spammers get smarter every day. Now they're letting sophisticated computer programs choose the best possible names for them! This triad of spam just arrived: -> Bullier K. Acclimatized Subject: [...] - Fw: Card Termination Info, -> Birdhouse D. Tangoing Subject: [...] - Card Declined, applica -> Bergson H. Diarrhea Subject: [...] - Account Terminated. I nominate "Bergson H. Diarrhea" for official alt.religion.kibology fake name for Kibologists to use to secretly identify themselves on old-timey hotel registers where you can sign fake names in brown fountain-pen ink before pulling the little lever that makes the pen's bladder squirt all over the desk clerk's pince-nez. Also, his full name is "Bergeron Harrison Diarrhea", the man so handsome that Diana Moon Glampers ordered the word "Diarrhea" added to his name to make people avoid him so that he will not have any unfair advantages over people who were born with Diarrhea in their names. -- K. Yelling "Jesus H. Christ!" is so 20th-century compared to "Bergson H. Diarrhea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spammer with the cutest fake name ever! Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 18:06:56 -0500 The Matt (thompsma@colorado.eud) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tell you, those spammers get smarter every day. Now they're > > letting sophisticated computer programs choose the best possible > > names for them! > > Well, today I just got some from: > > Mowgli A. Caring > Unison H. Vulgarism > Toured H. Bearskin > Cashiering K. Lager > Flatt R. Sensurround > Takes J. Nonevents > > and, my best yet, > > Theocracy B. Bathroom How did "Flatt" get in there? That's not a noun, that might actually be a name! At least in a world where Edwin Abbott was the Pope. Still, "Theocracy Be Bathroom" would be a good band name if you play songs about pope poop. > Does anyone else think this sounds like a slightly better name generator > than what the Red Lectroids used in "Buckaroo Banzai..."? It's better than the one George Lucas uses, anyway. So, who would win in a light-saber fight between Flonk Zondar, Glurp Burlap, Crunt Flobee, Gag Upchuck, Lunk Bezoar, Smint Crontab, Burp Vacuum, Noam Chomsky, and Blog Peepad? -- K. So how come Luke has a Christian name? Is this the only flaw in the realism of "Star Wars"? Everyone knows that those space people should all have godless Satanic names instead, like "Burp Chomsky"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Giant tools Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 17:56:23 -0500 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > Kevin S Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > You people need to keep up with the readings outside of class. > > I just want to look at the etchings. I keep wanting there to be a rare but well-known neurological disorder that causes people to say the letter "r" when they shouldn't so that I could write a lame comedy sketch where a guy tries to pick up a gal by saying, "Do you want to come back to my place and see my retchings?" It would be like Benny Hill's "Fad-Eyed Fal" sketch except slightly more forced. Also, Jack Palance would be the star of it. > > -- > > Kevin S. Wilson > > Tech Writer at a University Somewhere in Idaho > > "Who put these fingerprints on my imagination?" Are they chocolate? If so, then either they're Bob Odenkirk's, or possibly some little kid's. If they're a mixture of bacon grease and Turtle Wax, then they're mine. (For years I did a good job keeping the bacon grease and so on off my kitchen floor, but suddenly it's all slippery because I went to get myself a Gatorade while wearing the shiny socks. Note to self: Don't use the car polish on the bottoms of my socks from now on.) -- K. My hardwood floor suddenly feels like a bowling alley. Not that I've ever violated the rules and slid down a bowling alley like on "Jackass", though. It was different, we weren't even filming it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Trollery Date: Mon, 16 Feb 2004 00:34:29 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Is it me or is Boston just seriously fucked up? It seems perfectly normal to me. I live in Boston, therefore it's as normal as I am. In fact, I'm right across the street from a building named "BOSTON NORMAL SCHOOL", and they couldn't have one of those if the city wasn't completely normal. Of course, some mail-order companies insist I live in a different town named "Roxbury Xing" (ha ha, I have two X's in my Post Office's name) but in terms of political boundaries, I'm in the part of my ZIP code which is technically within Boston proper (most of this ZIP code is in Roxbury, I'm in the gerrymandered part.) However, if you want to see a real zoo, keep your eye on central Boston for the next few months. By May, when the same-sex marriage thing is supposed to happen, there will be so many pro-gay and anti-gay zealots gathering here that you will see protests and riots about as big as the busing riots of the 1970s. (Most of Boston's civic buildings, including City Hall and even the public library, were designed to resist car bombs as a result of the earlier riots.) I'm predicting that this spring, Boston will have gay-marriage violence that will make Stonewall look mild by comparison -- mob violence, police brutality, and assassination of people by kooks on both sides. (We'll get our own local Harvey Milks.) I _hope_ it doesn't come to that, but I'm predicting this issue will lead to more insanity (and violence) than the Super Bowl, the Big Dig, and this year's Democratic convention (yes, it's in Boston) combined. Oh, the the way, the Super Bowl riots were about a mile down the street from me. (I'm glad I live in a high-rise and don't own a car or store. I'm riotproof! Also I own lots of big swords, so don't try anything.) -- K. For proof that Boston is normal, just look anywhere that doesn't have a long line of tourists waiting to get into some bar named "Cheerz Too" in order to pretend they're on the set of some sitcom filmed on the West Coast ten years ago even though it's not the REAL fake Cheers, it's just a FAKE fake Cheers across town from the REAL fake bar across the street from the bronze statues of imaginary baby ducks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Trollery Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 01:35:44 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] "Roxbury Xing" (ha ha, I have two X's in my Post Office's name) > > I like to think this is pronounced "Roxbury Zing!". It sounds like some > sort of sports-based manuever, where by the ball is hit out of the park > or over the goal line or something before the opposition has time to blink. Other things "Roxbury Xing" might be, when pronounced that way: 1.) The sound it makes when Batman punches the New Kids On The Block. 2.) The companion flavor to Gatorade's new "Big Dig Runoff" and "Deer Island Glowing Landfill" flavors. 3.) Something you might name your baby if you really like the Wu-Tang Clan. 4.) A tiny bottle marked "glove cleaner". 5.) Something Robin Williams once yelled at Pam Dawber while he was having sex with her but fantasizing about Ted Kennedy. 6.) Stop & Shop's house brand of salsa where the little thermometer on the label runs vertically but the red stripe runs horizontally to indicate that this salsa isn't merely lame but completely perpendicular to the concept of spiciness. -- K. "Yellow Submarine" would have ended half an hour early if the Beatles had gotten some "glove cleaner". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Trollery Date: Mon, 16 Feb 2004 15:12:34 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, if you want to see a real zoo, keep your eye on central > > Boston for the next few months. > > It's about time Boston had a real zoo. When I lived there, I noted > the sad lack of real zoos. There was just the really pathetic zoo at > Franklin Park. So, you haven't been to the Stone Zoo in Stoneham. That's the one which consists of a cardboard box with a sign taped to it saying something like "ADMISSION $7, NO REFUNDS WHEN YOU GO INSIDE AND DISCOVER THAT ALL THE ANIMALS ARE STILL DEAD." > But I think a zoo filled only with pro and anti gay > marriage zealots will not be a real zoo unless some of them are > wildebeests and tree pythons and cassowaries and giraffes and sea > anemones and such. That would be really cool. Well, I'll volunteer to stay in the otter habitat right next to the bears, in the latex grove of the pervarium, unless you have any better ideas. > I think that gorilla that got loose at Franklin Park last summer > and beat up a little girl would fit in nicely. Yeah, once they hire some staff members who can figure out whether or not apes can climb over fences. -- K. The closest I've come to being caged up in the Franklin Park Zoo is about a mile. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSC Date: Mon, 16 Feb 2004 15:20:51 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I've never had much of a substance abuse problem, depending on your > definition of "substance." I smoked for many years, and I have this > *thing* about chocolate and pizza. But I digress. You put chocolate on your pizzas? Eww. Doesn't it get all mixed up with the things that are good on pizzas, like the eight kinds of bacon and the no cheese? > Now I have a *real* addiction: President's Choice Diet Cranberry Soda. You know the President doesn't REALLY choose your soda, right? Usually they just let Dick Cheney spit in each vat to bless it. Or, for the diet flavors, Ted Kennedy. > I drink it morning, noon, and night. Sometimes I get up in the middle > of the night just to have some. I get shakey if we run out of it. > Vlad stored three bottles on the porch two weeks ago and it froze solid > and I nearly strangled him because I wanted to drink some RIGHT THEN. Why on Earth do you store your soft drinks in unheated places that may or may not be invaded by raccoons at any moment? Just store your sodas behind the furnace so they'll keep warm. You'll get bigger bubbles that way! Well, one really big bubble. And only if the bottle half-melts so that it can swell up instead of just exploding. But still even exploding is better than freezing because at least if the bottle exploded, you could still lick the stuff off the walls and/or ceiling, especially if you have a stepladder. > I have a problem. > > What to do? > > What to do? First, stop repeating yourself. Second, say "Kibo, I want you to have this dollar." Third, go back to repeating yourself. Repeat until I'm bored with getting free money. -- K. Cranberries are the only berries that taste poisonous but aren't. We should genetically engineer them to have the poison they're supposed to. Now, blackberries, them's good berries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSC Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 19:57:26 -0500 steven (spam@pieceoftheuniverse.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You put chocolate on your pizzas? Eww. Doesn't it get all mixed > > up with the things that are good on pizzas, like the eight kinds > > of bacon and the no cheese? > > I've tried the no-cheese pizza thing. The thought process was > something along the order of "Kibo says cheese is evil, and Kibo, > being a god, must know. If Kibo wasn't a god, it wouldn't be > alt.religion.kibology, it'd be alt.some.guy.kibo, which doesn't have > the same sort of ring to it and I'm not entirely sure if there would > be quite as large a following ..." Are you calling my droogs fat? Just because they're on the opposite of the Atkins diet is no reason to make fun of their unimaginable obesity! > I then went on a tangent for a number of hours, eventually leading me > to Papa Murphy's, where I asked for a no-cheese pizza with every > other topping they had. > > "Are you sure?" they asked, clearly trying to steer me away from the > One True Path of Kibo. > > "Yes," I said, definitively uncertain. "No cheese." > > "No," they clarified, "Are you sure you want every topping?" That's a bad idea because a pizza with Everything But Cheese would be something from a rejected Stanislaw Lem story where your pizza would wind up with ground glass, curls of copper wire, space potatoes, wumblewunkers, splorox, squimpersonators, glurnies, wurches, and zits. It would be like asking Kurd Lasswitz to loan you every book in his library that didn't contain "cheese". The number of volumes would still be somewhere between aleph-one and a bazillion buttloads of scads. > I thought about it, and decided on a vegetarian with pepperoni added > in, but still with no cheese. Once it was made, I took it home, > cooked it, and partook of a slice. > > Ick. I have a new definition of evil, and it includes eating no > cheese. > > So now I've got half a no-cheese pizza sitting in the 'fridge. There are many types of no-cheese pizzas. One thing is that if you make a tomato-sauce-with-meat pizza without the cheese, it doesn't cook up quite the same way -- it goes limp more easily without the layer of cheese on top -- so you have to change your baking procedure a little to get it crispier, or make it thick enough to hold up, or use other tricks. (Meat pizzas without cheese are especially difficult because of the moisture and grease that come out of the meat.) Some pizzerias put WEIRD toppings on their no-cheese pizzas, because they assume that anyone who can't eat cheese must be a Vegan and therefore will only eat weird types of vegetables that no carnivore could enjoy, so you'll see cheeseless pizzas with artichoke hearts and yellow squash and garbanzo beans and so on. If you go to Quebec and look in the supermarkets, in the bread section all the supermarkets sell (non-refrigerated) shrink-wrapped pizzas consisting of crust plus tomato sauce with no cheese. Quebecers understand that it's bad to buy something that's already been contaminated by supermarket cheese. > I guess what I'm trying to say is: time to move on to > alt.some.guy.kibo, everyone! And if you call me a heretic, I'm > going to have to take that pitchfork and torch and give you *such* > a hurting. Please, sir, work on my feet a while. The skin's thickest there. -- K. People who enjoy cheese are the real sickos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A Boston landmark is gone! Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 23:23:47 -0500 I just noticed that what was (as far as I know) Boston's last video arcade is now boarded up. This means that now it's going to be even harder for me to find a good game of pinball. The arcade in question had been a nameless, signless arcade for many years (known locally as "the mafiarcade" for reasons I don't want to go into) and in recent years had been upgraded with an actual name and a sign ("THE ARCADE") but that didn't save the business. Perhaps they got tired of paying off those two cops who always sat around inside looking bored. A page from www.historicboston.org describes the run-down building (in which the word "vaudeville" was coined) in carefully non-libellous terms: -> -> For many years, the owners, a multi-generational family, have held this -> and several other historic buildings in the Central Business District -> for speculative purposes. Although the owners' property manager attended -> the Boston Preservation Alliance's 1996 Theater District Charrette, -> their family does not have a prominent history in undertaking -> challenging preservation development projects. But now the arcade is gone just like vaudeville is gone. Fortunately, pinball in Boston outlived Bob Hope, but they were both doomed to die as relics from a bygone era of horehound ribbon candy and penny-farthing velocipedes, back when a quarter was worth money, back when people would pay to see a dainty guy in striped trousers dancing with a cane or to play a game where the players had to take turns. In other local news, FAO Schwarz is also out of business (but their giant bronze teddy bear still stands on Boylston Street) -- Boston's FAO Schwarz is most famous as the store where the guy who wrote "Toys That Don't Care" and "Toys That Kill" bought all the deadly toys. (I hear that the reason FAO Schwarz went out of business is that the entire board of directors was killed when they fell asleep smoking cigars inside flammable nylon play tunnels.) -- K. However, the Combat Zone hasn't lost any more porno stores -- it still has two. If it loses one more, I'm going to downgrade it from a "zone" to a "spot". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Hereby Announce... Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 01:13:33 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I'd just like to say that when I got home this morning, Wink! WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK WINKETY WINK-WINK-WINK!!! > there was a subpoena shoved into my door. "...and my pillow was gone!" > A subpoena - FOR SOMEONE ELSE! Well, are you going to go and make up some testimony? I would. > Behold how the mighty justice system works its swift tentacles of > accuracy, and weep. Weep! WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEPITY WEEP-WEEP-WINK!!! -- K. I think this article is a transcription of that CD I have of "The Time Tunnel"'s sound effects library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Hereby Announce... Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 02:08:17 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > A subpoena - FOR SOMEONE ELSE! > > > > Well, are you going to go and make up some testimony? I would. > > Damn, I wish I'd thought of that. And that's why YOU'RE still allowed in courtrooms whereas I got a framed certificate which say "We never want you for jury duty ever again after you put down too many funny occupations on those forms." > I actually almost called the guy going to court just to find out what > he'd done. The subpoena pretty lame, a Xeroxed sheet with > > STATE OF KANSAS > > VERSUS > > BUMWADDLER Q DIDDLYWHACK > > in the upper left corner, and he's in the phone book. Below his name > was a list of subpoena-ees. Some guy who apparently lived in this > trailer lot before was the intended victim. Uh, recipient. Witness for > the prosecution, even. The secretary for the prosecutor was pretty > torqued that I got the subpoena. She hollered, "The process servers > have been told, don't stuff it! DELIVER it!" Did you yell back, "Well, this subpoena GOT STUFFED!" in a Benny Hill voice and then hum "Yakety Sax" at triple speed? And did she sound like Jane Leeves so that you could do that routine where you send her the love letter marked "PERSONAL" and she says, "Oi, I thought it said 'PERSONNEL', so I've been showin' it 'round the office!"? I miss Benny Hill. He was a GENIUS! At CRAP! Sure, his comedy sucked, but I loved it anyway! Come back soon, Benny, the world needs you right now. We have too much sucky comedy that ISN'T funny and also I want you to see how you got one of our Presidents elected. -- K. I hear that if Joe Lieberman hadn't dropped out of the race, right now he'd be on MTV playing the theme to "The Goodies" on a kazoo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: finally, a weird new candy I might actually LIKE! Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 17:19:29 -0500 From www.thisislondon.co.uk: -> -> Curry KitKat anyone? Curry? Yes! YES! YES!!! -> By Andy Tristem -> 19 February 2004 -> -> Willy Wonka had his never-ending gobstopper and Harry Potter is -> partial to Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans - but the maker of -> KitKats has proved that truth is stranger than fiction. -> -> As well as the cumin and masala flavour, Nestle' is considering -> offering lemon cheesecake, liquorice, saffron and passion fruit. Cheese, eww. Licorice, eww. Saffron -- well, that's darn close to curry to start with. (Especially when you consider that in cheaper parts of the world, "saffron" often means "turmeric" and not "saffron".) Passionfruit can be great or awful depending on the exact formulation (real passionfruit juice is something I love when it's fresh but sometimes the canned stuff is unbelievably vile. Artifical passionfruit flavor can be pretty nice even though it doesn't taste remotely like the real thing.) Chocolate goes great with spicy flavors, if the curry flavor has enough hot pepper I'll be desperate to import some of these. -> Lemon cheesecake KitKat is already sold in Germany and Japan, -> and the group confirmed it may be brought to Britain. -> -> Industry analysts said a growing trend towards healthier -> lifestyles was putting people off chocolate bars. -> -> Nestle Rowntree managing director Chris White confirmed the -> York-based company was looking at new products. It was too early -> to say which would be the first to go on sale but he denied the -> firm was targeting Asian and Indian customers with the -> exotically spiced variety. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF... oh, forget it, I'm too depressed to bring out the dancing bears of whatever obvious sentiment would be too obvious to have them express right now. Let's just call this guy an idiot and move on. -> 'We're doing this because we want to sell more, make more money -> and grow our market share,' he added. -> -> Curry-flavoured KitKats are the latest in a line of bizarre -> products inflicted on our taste buds down the years. -> -> Scottish bottling giant Strathmore made chocolate-flavoured -> bottled water to entice children into drinking more for health -> reasons. -> -> Heston Blumenthal's restaurant, The Fat Duck, in Bray, -> Berkshire, offers egg and bacon-flavoured ice cream. YES!!! YES!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> Food giant Heinz sells green and purple ketchup. Meanwhile, -> McDonald's plans to sell a burger from meat alternative Quorn. NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOoOoOoOoooooo..... For years McDonalds has fought those scurrilous rumors that their burgers are made from things like earthworms, and now they're going to sell burgers containing Quorn? How are they going to keep people from finding out that the new "McSoylent Surprise" is made from 100% real MILDEW? -- K. I was going to say something about "Well, at least they never found out about the dog jizz in the shakes," but that was too gross, so I changed "dog jizz" to "ectoplasm", but people _do_ know about that, so I didn't mention it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News from Ames, Iowa. Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 17:52:33 -0500 Seen on apnews.excite.com: -> -> Flogging Demonstration Brings Charges -> -> Feb 18, 3:59 PM (ET) -> -> AMES, Iowa (AP) - A student bondage club at Iowa State -> University has been charged with violating university rules -> after a flogging demonstration in December. Hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium hang around Iowa State? -> The school's Office of Judicial Affairs charged the group Cuffs -> with assault in violation of the Student Conduct Code and Iowa law. -> -> A letter outlining the charges was given to the group's -> president, Duane Long Jr. on Monday during a meeting with -> Bethany Schuttinga, the director of ISU judicial affairs. -> -> "Cuffs leadership planned and implemented a demonstration at a -> scheduled Cuffs meeting involving the striking of another -> person(s) with a whip, belt, flogger, paddle, cane and hand with -> the intention of causing pain to that person," Schuttinga said. Hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium hang around Iowa State? -> She said the flogging amounted to an assault, which violates the -> university's conduct policy and Iowa law. -> -> She said the violations were minor and will be dealt with in an -> administrative hearing. No criminal charges will be filed. -> -> Cuffs, which was formed in 2000, is for students interested in -> bondage, domination, sadism and masochism. -> -> The group could face disciplinary actions ranging from a warning -> to probation, which would require the club to demonstrate the -> ability to comply with university rules. -> -> Cuffs also could receive a deferred suspension, I don't know what that is. Is it more intense than inverted suspension? And hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium HANG AROUND Iowa State? -> which would limit activities during club meetings and limit access -> to the group. -> -> Schuttinga advised Long against performing further physical -> demonstrations at meetings saying such acts could result in -> additional charges. -> -> Long, a senior, said he was disappointed in the decision. -> -> "I don't believe the assault laws should be used against -> consensual BDSM activities. To use it in that way is -> inappropriate," he said. And then those bastards put him on secret double probation for using bad grammar! -> Information from: Iowa State Daily, http://www.iowastatedaily.com ...in beautiful downtown Ames, the Attleboro of Iowa. -- K. In other news, every doctor, dentist, sports coach, and drill sargeant in the world was arrested for causing pain in other people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 02:18:49 -0500 I can't find where I put my nose rings! How will I pick out which one to wear to work tomorrow if I can't find them? I like the one that looks like a golden Donette, except it makes me talk funny because I can't breathe while it's in. Maybe I should just go buy a box of Donettes and pick out the roundest one to be a replacement. But I'm not sure it would be healthy to put Hostess products up my nose, compared to the Home Depot curtain ring with the notch sawed in it. -- K. YES IT'S NOT A REAL PIERCING, DOES THAT MAKE ME BAD? OR DOES IT MAKE ME NOT BAD ENOUGH? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 03:13:48 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YES IT'S NOT A REAL PIERCING, > > DOES THAT MAKE ME BAD? > > OR DOES IT MAKE ME NOT BAD ENOUGH? > > IT MAKES IT LESS FUN > WHEN I TRY TO RIP IT OUT OF YOUR FACE If you want to keep your teeth: Don't pull the leatherman's nose in all caps. -- K. As Glenn from the Village People would say if he were still alive: "Leathermen don't get scared -- on the Internet." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 03:47:54 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > > > IT MAKES IT LESS FUN > > > WHEN I TRY TO RIP IT OUT OF YOUR FACE > > > > If you want to keep your teeth: > > Don't pull the leatherman's nose in all caps. > > THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT LESS FUN > > What if he's not wearing a cap? Then either wait two days for the rest of my uniform to arrive in the mail or else risk dealing with a leatherman wearing a black wool watch cap that makes him look like he should be playing "Goon #2" on "Batman". AND THEN YOUR TEETH WILL GO "ZOWIE!" At first I thought I looked a little silly wearing a winter-weather hat with my Squiggy-style biker jacket and leather cycle jeans. But then I got comfortable with wearing the wrong type of thug hat. I mean, it's warm, and it's black, and it hides where my hairline used to be. Then, in this week's episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", Carson dressed his straight guy in leather pants, a leather jacket, and... a black wool watch cap. So now I can never wear that hat again, because Carson has absolutely no taste. Also, Carson put the guy in brown leather pants and a black jacket. Brown? BROWN? That's a dress-code violation. NO BROWN LEATHER! Brown leather is only for people who don't like leather! -- K. Leathermen don't see brown. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 23:03:16 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then either wait two days for the rest of my uniform to arrive in the mail > > or else risk dealing with a leatherman wearing a black wool watch cap > > that makes him look like he should be playing "Goon #2" on "Batman". > > I have taken to watching "Batman" because the show pisses me the fuck > off. I'm not joking. CS Ed will point and laugh at me every time I > start a sentence with, "God, you should have seen 'Batman' tonight..." > because he knows I watched it and got pissed off and wouldn't change the > channel. So what you're saying is that if someone tied you up and put headphones on you playing the "Batman" theme song over and over and over and over and over and over and over, you wouldn't enjoy that? > Also, Robin WON'T STOP YELLING. He skips, and he yells, and that's it. That's because he's got a girl's name. Also he has to wear the little green bikini underpants all the time because he's a girl and girls like underwear in funny colors. Real men only wear black underwear. > > At first I thought I looked a little silly wearing a winter-weather hat > > with my Squiggy-style biker jacket > > I had a crush on Lenny, not Squiggy. PLORNK! Well, you would've liked me when I was about 12. I had one of those Lenny-style super-shimmery red satin windbreakers. Eventually I traded it for a series of Member's Only jackets, and then a black canvas jacket of exactly the style that should say "DEA" on the back in foot-high letters, and then a surplus Detroit PD jacket (without insignia), and now I have a black leather Squiggy-style jacket _and_ a black leather Fonzie-style jacket. So now I'm all three of your favorite "Happy Days"/"Laverne And Shirley" characters except for Potsie. Man, it's hard to dress like Potsie! > > Leathermen don't see brown. > > Everytime you talk about leathermen, I start singing a variant of the > song "Don't Pay the Ferryman", but I can never figure out what would > happen if you paid the leatherman before he took you to the other side. Yeah, yeah, put your mind at ease and pay the leatherman when you please, whatever. Also, if you've seen "Barbarella", you'll know that there's nothing on the other side of all this leather. -- K. I hear that if you look really close, in one scene you can see John Kerry in a three-way with Jane Fonda and Jimmy Carter! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: 007: Everything or Nothing for GameCube Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 23:25:25 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > This game is too easy. I've been playing it for two evenings now, and > even on hard mode I've only gotten killed twice. Yeah, but on killed mode, have you gotten... oh, never mind. TOO EASY! > Otherwise, it rocks so far. The opening is just like the start to a > James Bond movie. Oh, so there's a Madonna song that made you rip the thing out of your GameCube and throw it out the window and scream until bloody shreds of lungs were all over the room? > There's the intro to the villians and the basic plot (a longish cut > scene), and then you get a fairly easy action sequence, and then you > get James Bond-style opening titles, not in the Maurice Binder style, > more like the more-recent Bond movies. Not enough silhouettes of > obviously naked chyx, because this game is rated T for Teen. It's a good thing we live in a society that makes sure that nobody ever sees a cartoon outline of a naked person until after age 19. > The next "level" is the obligatory training level, and passes pretty > quickly. > > One thing you need to keep an eye out for are what's referred to as > "Bond Moments". If you can do something in the suave, smooth James > Bond style, like maybe uttering a clever double-entendre at the right > moment, you get points. Finding these is difficult for me, since I am > the Anti-James Bond when it comes to suave sophistication. Actually, I believe you're more like James Bond's auntie. Now if you'll pardon me, I have a "fish" to "catch". Until I get back, be sure to "stick around". Try the "shrimp salad". > I may need to read the pamphlet, since googling for hints has come > up dry so far. You can come up dry all you want, but you went down wet. Now I must go tend to my "garden". Watch out for the jaws on those "pliers" and don't take any wooden "nickels". Put on some "pants". > Enough of this, back to the game!! Keep your back to the the game and I'll keep my front to Pussy Galore. Mind the oversized "Johnny Jump-Up" in the corner, and keep doing the "Hamster Dance". I could've had a "V-8". -- K. Has anyone ever told Mr. Bond that martinis are so gay that they'd be called "margaritas" if they didn't taste bad? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spot is dead. Long live Spot. Date: Sun, 22 Feb 2004 01:24:29 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I imagine this poor dog didn't have a chance up against the death ray. Still, it was nice finally seeing "Spot Dies" as part of a headline on CNN.com. Not that I wanted him to die. I just wanted an excuse to stop writing stories about him until I get some new ideas for different ways to kill him. "White House dog Spot dies", from CNN: -> -> WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Spot, an English springer spaniel with a White House -> pedigree who spent nearly 15 years with President Bush and his family, -> has died, the White House announced Saturday. -> -> An administration official told CNN that Spot was put to sleep Saturday -> around 1:30 p.m. after suffering a series of strokes. Her remains will -> be taken to the president's ranch in Crawford, Texas. So long, Spot. Sorry to hear that the pressure got to you after so much time having to be the smartest one in the White House. Also sorry to hear about your sex change, unless it was consensual, in which case, you go, girl! -- K. Poor Spot! He died while still waiting his turn to be President after a few more Bushes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: talk.bizarre Date: Sun, 22 Feb 2004 01:28:18 -0500 Stewart Connor (stewartconnor@aol.com) wrote: > > Does anyone care to give me the history of the relationship between this > group and T-Dot-B or are you afraind you might wake Kent. Something, _this_ group spells an entire sentence correctly. -- K. talk.bizarre doesn't have any talking, while alt.religion.kibology doesn't have any pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:01:22 -0500 Okay, here's what I'm trying to reconcile: We know that all professional sports are rigged, and presumably rigged by homophobes because no gay people like sports and everyone's who's not gay is a homophobe. So, the reason the New England Patriots were selected to win the Super Bowl this year was to cause riots in Boston to scare all the gay people into locking themselves in their closets instead of telling lawmakers to let them get married. But, we also know that "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" is all fake too (I mean, it's obvious that some of the "straight" guys are gay and all of the five "gay" guys are robots, except for Ted) and it's presumably part of some gay plot by one of those eccentric gay billionaires who is trying to popularize the word "queer" because he bought up the entire world's supply of the "Q" tile in Scrabble to drive up its price (it's expected to increase to 25 points by next week.) So how can we nail these two conspiracy theories together into one grand, over-arching theory that explains all of science's mistakes? Please draw me a diagram by tomorrow in case I accidentally enroll in a college course overnight and need it for some sort of weird homework. Thank you for your support of my paranoia. -- K. Also, the Hanky Code is just a ploy to prevent the existence of gay nudist colonies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:16:32 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > But, we also know that "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" is all fake > > > too (I mean, it's obvious that some of the "straight" guys are gay > > > and all of the five "gay" guys are robots, except for Ted) and it's > > > presumably part of some gay plot by one of those eccentric gay > > > billionaires who is trying to popularize the word "queer" because he > > > bought up the entire world's supply of the "Q" tile in Scrabble to > > > drive up its price (it's expected to increase to 25 points by next > > > week.) > > > > Feh, good riddance. That thing's just a drag on the rack, > > Alt.religion.kibology gay-related punk band #1: "Drag on the Rack" > > Cross-dressing S&M! Medieval torture devices! IT'LL BE A BIG, BIG HIT! Hmm, actually, I think I've just stumbled onto a bigger conspiracy. Look at the three E-mail addresses at the top of this post! Notice any pattern? That's right, they all have DOTS in them! DOTS that might be just DRAWN ON your screen with the tip of a Sharpie! E-MAIL IS JUST MADE UP, THAT'S WHY NOBODY EVER ACTUALLY GETS ANY, ALL THOSE MESSAGES IN YOUR INBOX CAME WITH YOUR COMPUTER AND ARE DELIVERED BY A TIME-RELEASE NUISANCE MECHANISM!!! Also, I hear that world.std.com changed their name to TheWorld.com a few years ago, but I predict everyone will keep using the old name because it's funny to say "STD" in a sentence. The only way it could be funnier would be if the word "herpes" had some "k" sounds in it, like "ka-herpes" or "schenectaderpes". As far as "Drag On The Rack" (or possibly "Dragon The Rack") goes, there is a bar in Boston called "The Rack", and someone recommended I go there, but I looked it up and it's a freakin' Yuppie bar that requires a suit and no sneakers except on Casual Fridays when you can wear a sweater vest, so someone needs to clue them in that naming their bar "The Rack" was a bad idea if they don't want people to confuse them with another type of bar, the type whose dress code says "NO BROWN LEATHER (unless qualifying as complete Western wear.)" I'm not sure what you have to do to "qualify" as being a complete cowboy, I assume it's something along the lines of a life-size cutout of the cowboy from the Village People captioned "You must be at least as butch as me to be allowed to wear the icky brown leather." Still haven't been to that club. Anyone want to go with me? -- K. Also, technically, racks predate the medieval era, given that the Romans and Greeks loved them too. For instance, Aristophanes mentions them, and of course there's the legend of Procrustes. I refer you to the chapter "Stretching And Suspension" in "The Instruments Of Torture", a book I just happened to have handy here in the bathroom. Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned that I carry my laptop computer into the bathroom. Now you might think I'm weird! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why the Segway failed. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:15:30 -0500 I finally figured out why the Segway scooter failed to become a national mega-craze, other than that the thing serves no purpose because it goes slower than I can walk. Two problems: 1. You have to steer it! That's complicated! and 2. It requires power! That's a non-zero cost of ownership! Therefore, given that the Segway has not caught on during the first fifty-four years after it was invented (by Robert Heinlein, "The Roads Must Roll", 1940) I am introducing something much better. The Henway. The Henway does not need steering! You just climb onto it and, by much the same principle as the stupid Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner and the Bumble Ball, you will eventually arrive at your destination if you wait long enough for that to be inevitable. And the Henway does not need batteries! It moves entirely by harnessing the Universe's endless supply of Brownian motion. Sure, the Henway may look like a square piece of carpet padding with "HENWAY $19.95" written on it with a Sharpie, but the laws of physics say that not only will the thing move by itself, it will eventually go everywhere assuming the Universe lasts forever. (And if the Universe does end before you're tired of your Henway, you'll have bigger things to worry about than getting your money's worth out of my overpriced carpet padding.) You can line up to buy your Henways right here. I accept cash. Also there is a fifty-dollars-and-five-cents penalty for not having exact change, so bring $70 to save yourself the trouble of counting a bunch of coins. I am doing this entirely as a gift to humanity to show my appreciation for them being about to make me rich. Sincerely, Kibo (a better inventor than Edison, Tesla, Einstein, and Mark Twain combined into one person with super-wacky hair and a disposition eight times as irascible as a sane and therefore not-a-genius inventor) -- K. I think I'm going to need a bigger wallet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why the Segway failed. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:51:03 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Henway does not need steering! You just climb onto it and, > > by much the same principle as the stupid Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner > > Just how useless is the Roomba? I keep thinking of getting one, first to > support the home robot industry, second as a thing for the dogs to worry, > and finally, possibly some sort of cleaning action. Actually the first two > reasons are good enough for me, but it would be great to hit teh Trifecta > on this one. Take one of your dogs. Tie a dust rag to his tail. Lock in him the room after drugging him up so he twirls around aimlessly. Wait several hours. Presto, you've just cleaned the place as thoroughly as the Roomba would. Even as robots go, the things are stupid. They don't know what shape the room is or where any of the furniture is. You put it in the middle of the floor, it spirals outwards until it hits something, then it yells "WAAH! MOMMY!" and starts drawing random pentagrams all over your carpet. And the immutable laws of probability say that you could run the thing all night and it would still somehow miss all the spots where the spots are. The Roomba is one of the worst inventions of the last hundred years, right up there with Doritos 3Ds and tube socks. -- K. The only part of the body tube socks fit on properly is the forearm. Why don't they just put "FOR PUPPET USE ONLY" on the wrapper? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Public service announcement. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:21:09 -0500 Public service announcement: If you dare to watch all 22 episodes of "Star Trek: The Animated Series" (1973-74) in one weekend, don't come crying to me when the really crappy incidental music starts running through your head. And yes, McCoy really did say "I've never admired a body function before." -- K. What was WRONG with people in the '70s? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best Monday EVAH! Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:20:37 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > John Schmidt (a.dingo@mebay.biz) wrote: > > > > Please, God, shoot me now. > > Awww! Sounds like SOMEBODY could use a nice, hot bowl of > yummy homemade jambalaya! > > Too bad you don't have any! When you say "hot", do you mean "cooked in the microwave", or do you mean "loaded with so much fluorescent red pepper that it induces partial aphasia and glossolalia (in that order)"? 'Cause I only like one of those. I don't know why the waitresses ask "How is everything?" if they get freaked out when you pronounce "Good!" as "Yeegha gurble nurr dawagala blaaaaaa deedle dee deet deet dah." They shouldn't hire people who are unable to watch other people eat food that's too hot for people. -- K. "Food... very... spicy... can't... speak... at... normal... rate..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Look at me! Look at me! Again... Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:26:50 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > => There's nothing supernatural about author Anne Rice's > => drastic weight loss: The "Interview With a Vampire" author > => had gastric bypass surgery and has lost 103 pounds -- down > => from 255, reports People." > > (from the Seattle Post Intelligencer December 15, 2003) Whereas the Boston Globe merely said that she ruined the Fetish Flea Market for everyone because she was faaaaaaaaaat. I'm so glad I never read newspapers. (I get all my information from more reliable sources, such as TV, the back of a Count Chocula box from 1979, hallucinations, and "Reader's Digest", in decreasing order of usefulness.) -- K. Do you think Jack Kevorkian ever dealt with someone who DIDN'T have a subscription to "Reader's Digest"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Afraid Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:34:10 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I'm afraid I just convinced my local pharmacy that my sister is insane. Just because she's related to you doesn't _prove_ she's demented. (It doesn't help, either.) > Or maybe I'm nuts because the head dude kept saying that I said > something I do not recall saying. Did anyone hear something just now? I thought I heard a mosquito buzzing or other tiny insect. But I really should stop talking to myself because there's nobody else here at all. La la la... nope, nobody is talking to me. > Maybe the head dude is nuts. Do you mean he's insane, or just that the pharmacy is owned by a can of Planters salted cashews that are controlling your mind with their poisonous cashew rays? You don't have to answer that, because I know you're not really here. -- K. Also, I think your E-mail address might be hallucinating, it's leaving trails all over my screen.