From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Hereby Announce... Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 01:13:33 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I'd just like to say that when I got home this morning, Wink! WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK WINKETY WINK-WINK-WINK!!! > there was a subpoena shoved into my door. "...and my pillow was gone!" > A subpoena - FOR SOMEONE ELSE! Well, are you going to go and make up some testimony? I would. > Behold how the mighty justice system works its swift tentacles of > accuracy, and weep. Weep! WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEP WEEPITY WEEP-WEEP-WINK!!! -- K. I think this article is a transcription of that CD I have of "The Time Tunnel"'s sound effects library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Hereby Announce... Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 02:08:17 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > A subpoena - FOR SOMEONE ELSE! > > > > Well, are you going to go and make up some testimony? I would. > > Damn, I wish I'd thought of that. And that's why YOU'RE still allowed in courtrooms whereas I got a framed certificate which say "We never want you for jury duty ever again after you put down too many funny occupations on those forms." > I actually almost called the guy going to court just to find out what > he'd done. The subpoena pretty lame, a Xeroxed sheet with > > STATE OF KANSAS > > VERSUS > > BUMWADDLER Q DIDDLYWHACK > > in the upper left corner, and he's in the phone book. Below his name > was a list of subpoena-ees. Some guy who apparently lived in this > trailer lot before was the intended victim. Uh, recipient. Witness for > the prosecution, even. The secretary for the prosecutor was pretty > torqued that I got the subpoena. She hollered, "The process servers > have been told, don't stuff it! DELIVER it!" Did you yell back, "Well, this subpoena GOT STUFFED!" in a Benny Hill voice and then hum "Yakety Sax" at triple speed? And did she sound like Jane Leeves so that you could do that routine where you send her the love letter marked "PERSONAL" and she says, "Oi, I thought it said 'PERSONNEL', so I've been showin' it 'round the office!"? I miss Benny Hill. He was a GENIUS! At CRAP! Sure, his comedy sucked, but I loved it anyway! Come back soon, Benny, the world needs you right now. We have too much sucky comedy that ISN'T funny and also I want you to see how you got one of our Presidents elected. -- K. I hear that if Joe Lieberman hadn't dropped out of the race, right now he'd be on MTV playing the theme to "The Goodies" on a kazoo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: finally, a weird new candy I might actually LIKE! Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 17:19:29 -0500 From www.thisislondon.co.uk: -> -> Curry KitKat anyone? Curry? Yes! YES! YES!!! -> By Andy Tristem -> 19 February 2004 -> -> Willy Wonka had his never-ending gobstopper and Harry Potter is -> partial to Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans - but the maker of -> KitKats has proved that truth is stranger than fiction. -> -> As well as the cumin and masala flavour, Nestle' is considering -> offering lemon cheesecake, liquorice, saffron and passion fruit. Cheese, eww. Licorice, eww. Saffron -- well, that's darn close to curry to start with. (Especially when you consider that in cheaper parts of the world, "saffron" often means "turmeric" and not "saffron".) Passionfruit can be great or awful depending on the exact formulation (real passionfruit juice is something I love when it's fresh but sometimes the canned stuff is unbelievably vile. Artifical passionfruit flavor can be pretty nice even though it doesn't taste remotely like the real thing.) Chocolate goes great with spicy flavors, if the curry flavor has enough hot pepper I'll be desperate to import some of these. -> Lemon cheesecake KitKat is already sold in Germany and Japan, -> and the group confirmed it may be brought to Britain. -> -> Industry analysts said a growing trend towards healthier -> lifestyles was putting people off chocolate bars. -> -> Nestle Rowntree managing director Chris White confirmed the -> York-based company was looking at new products. It was too early -> to say which would be the first to go on sale but he denied the -> firm was targeting Asian and Indian customers with the -> exotically spiced variety. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF... oh, forget it, I'm too depressed to bring out the dancing bears of whatever obvious sentiment would be too obvious to have them express right now. Let's just call this guy an idiot and move on. -> 'We're doing this because we want to sell more, make more money -> and grow our market share,' he added. -> -> Curry-flavoured KitKats are the latest in a line of bizarre -> products inflicted on our taste buds down the years. -> -> Scottish bottling giant Strathmore made chocolate-flavoured -> bottled water to entice children into drinking more for health -> reasons. -> -> Heston Blumenthal's restaurant, The Fat Duck, in Bray, -> Berkshire, offers egg and bacon-flavoured ice cream. YES!!! YES!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> Food giant Heinz sells green and purple ketchup. Meanwhile, -> McDonald's plans to sell a burger from meat alternative Quorn. NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOoOoOoOoooooo..... For years McDonalds has fought those scurrilous rumors that their burgers are made from things like earthworms, and now they're going to sell burgers containing Quorn? How are they going to keep people from finding out that the new "McSoylent Surprise" is made from 100% real MILDEW? -- K. I was going to say something about "Well, at least they never found out about the dog jizz in the shakes," but that was too gross, so I changed "dog jizz" to "ectoplasm", but people _do_ know about that, so I didn't mention it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News from Ames, Iowa. Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 17:52:33 -0500 Seen on apnews.excite.com: -> -> Flogging Demonstration Brings Charges -> -> Feb 18, 3:59 PM (ET) -> -> AMES, Iowa (AP) - A student bondage club at Iowa State -> University has been charged with violating university rules -> after a flogging demonstration in December. Hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium hang around Iowa State? -> The school's Office of Judicial Affairs charged the group Cuffs -> with assault in violation of the Student Conduct Code and Iowa law. -> -> A letter outlining the charges was given to the group's -> president, Duane Long Jr. on Monday during a meeting with -> Bethany Schuttinga, the director of ISU judicial affairs. -> -> "Cuffs leadership planned and implemented a demonstration at a -> scheduled Cuffs meeting involving the striking of another -> person(s) with a whip, belt, flogger, paddle, cane and hand with -> the intention of causing pain to that person," Schuttinga said. Hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium hang around Iowa State? -> She said the flogging amounted to an assault, which violates the -> university's conduct policy and Iowa law. -> -> She said the violations were minor and will be dealt with in an -> administrative hearing. No criminal charges will be filed. -> -> Cuffs, which was formed in 2000, is for students interested in -> bondage, domination, sadism and masochism. -> -> The group could face disciplinary actions ranging from a warning -> to probation, which would require the club to demonstrate the -> ability to comply with university rules. -> -> Cuffs also could receive a deferred suspension, I don't know what that is. Is it more intense than inverted suspension? And hey, doesn't Archimedes Plutonium HANG AROUND Iowa State? -> which would limit activities during club meetings and limit access -> to the group. -> -> Schuttinga advised Long against performing further physical -> demonstrations at meetings saying such acts could result in -> additional charges. -> -> Long, a senior, said he was disappointed in the decision. -> -> "I don't believe the assault laws should be used against -> consensual BDSM activities. To use it in that way is -> inappropriate," he said. And then those bastards put him on secret double probation for using bad grammar! -> Information from: Iowa State Daily, http://www.iowastatedaily.com ...in beautiful downtown Ames, the Attleboro of Iowa. -- K. In other news, every doctor, dentist, sports coach, and drill sargeant in the world was arrested for causing pain in other people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 02:18:49 -0500 I can't find where I put my nose rings! How will I pick out which one to wear to work tomorrow if I can't find them? I like the one that looks like a golden Donette, except it makes me talk funny because I can't breathe while it's in. Maybe I should just go buy a box of Donettes and pick out the roundest one to be a replacement. But I'm not sure it would be healthy to put Hostess products up my nose, compared to the Home Depot curtain ring with the notch sawed in it. -- K. YES IT'S NOT A REAL PIERCING, DOES THAT MAKE ME BAD? OR DOES IT MAKE ME NOT BAD ENOUGH? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 03:13:48 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YES IT'S NOT A REAL PIERCING, > > DOES THAT MAKE ME BAD? > > OR DOES IT MAKE ME NOT BAD ENOUGH? > > IT MAKES IT LESS FUN > WHEN I TRY TO RIP IT OUT OF YOUR FACE If you want to keep your teeth: Don't pull the leatherman's nose in all caps. -- K. As Glenn from the Village People would say if he were still alive: "Leathermen don't get scared -- on the Internet." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 03:47:54 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > > > IT MAKES IT LESS FUN > > > WHEN I TRY TO RIP IT OUT OF YOUR FACE > > > > If you want to keep your teeth: > > Don't pull the leatherman's nose in all caps. > > THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT LESS FUN > > What if he's not wearing a cap? Then either wait two days for the rest of my uniform to arrive in the mail or else risk dealing with a leatherman wearing a black wool watch cap that makes him look like he should be playing "Goon #2" on "Batman". AND THEN YOUR TEETH WILL GO "ZOWIE!" At first I thought I looked a little silly wearing a winter-weather hat with my Squiggy-style biker jacket and leather cycle jeans. But then I got comfortable with wearing the wrong type of thug hat. I mean, it's warm, and it's black, and it hides where my hairline used to be. Then, in this week's episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", Carson dressed his straight guy in leather pants, a leather jacket, and... a black wool watch cap. So now I can never wear that hat again, because Carson has absolutely no taste. Also, Carson put the guy in brown leather pants and a black jacket. Brown? BROWN? That's a dress-code violation. NO BROWN LEATHER! Brown leather is only for people who don't like leather! -- K. Leathermen don't see brown. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dammit dammit dammit! Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 23:03:16 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then either wait two days for the rest of my uniform to arrive in the mail > > or else risk dealing with a leatherman wearing a black wool watch cap > > that makes him look like he should be playing "Goon #2" on "Batman". > > I have taken to watching "Batman" because the show pisses me the fuck > off. I'm not joking. CS Ed will point and laugh at me every time I > start a sentence with, "God, you should have seen 'Batman' tonight..." > because he knows I watched it and got pissed off and wouldn't change the > channel. So what you're saying is that if someone tied you up and put headphones on you playing the "Batman" theme song over and over and over and over and over and over and over, you wouldn't enjoy that? > Also, Robin WON'T STOP YELLING. He skips, and he yells, and that's it. That's because he's got a girl's name. Also he has to wear the little green bikini underpants all the time because he's a girl and girls like underwear in funny colors. Real men only wear black underwear. > > At first I thought I looked a little silly wearing a winter-weather hat > > with my Squiggy-style biker jacket > > I had a crush on Lenny, not Squiggy. PLORNK! Well, you would've liked me when I was about 12. I had one of those Lenny-style super-shimmery red satin windbreakers. Eventually I traded it for a series of Member's Only jackets, and then a black canvas jacket of exactly the style that should say "DEA" on the back in foot-high letters, and then a surplus Detroit PD jacket (without insignia), and now I have a black leather Squiggy-style jacket _and_ a black leather Fonzie-style jacket. So now I'm all three of your favorite "Happy Days"/"Laverne And Shirley" characters except for Potsie. Man, it's hard to dress like Potsie! > > Leathermen don't see brown. > > Everytime you talk about leathermen, I start singing a variant of the > song "Don't Pay the Ferryman", but I can never figure out what would > happen if you paid the leatherman before he took you to the other side. Yeah, yeah, put your mind at ease and pay the leatherman when you please, whatever. Also, if you've seen "Barbarella", you'll know that there's nothing on the other side of all this leather. -- K. I hear that if you look really close, in one scene you can see John Kerry in a three-way with Jane Fonda and Jimmy Carter! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: 007: Everything or Nothing for GameCube Date: Fri, 20 Feb 2004 23:25:25 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > This game is too easy. I've been playing it for two evenings now, and > even on hard mode I've only gotten killed twice. Yeah, but on killed mode, have you gotten... oh, never mind. TOO EASY! > Otherwise, it rocks so far. The opening is just like the start to a > James Bond movie. Oh, so there's a Madonna song that made you rip the thing out of your GameCube and throw it out the window and scream until bloody shreds of lungs were all over the room? > There's the intro to the villians and the basic plot (a longish cut > scene), and then you get a fairly easy action sequence, and then you > get James Bond-style opening titles, not in the Maurice Binder style, > more like the more-recent Bond movies. Not enough silhouettes of > obviously naked chyx, because this game is rated T for Teen. It's a good thing we live in a society that makes sure that nobody ever sees a cartoon outline of a naked person until after age 19. > The next "level" is the obligatory training level, and passes pretty > quickly. > > One thing you need to keep an eye out for are what's referred to as > "Bond Moments". If you can do something in the suave, smooth James > Bond style, like maybe uttering a clever double-entendre at the right > moment, you get points. Finding these is difficult for me, since I am > the Anti-James Bond when it comes to suave sophistication. Actually, I believe you're more like James Bond's auntie. Now if you'll pardon me, I have a "fish" to "catch". Until I get back, be sure to "stick around". Try the "shrimp salad". > I may need to read the pamphlet, since googling for hints has come > up dry so far. You can come up dry all you want, but you went down wet. Now I must go tend to my "garden". Watch out for the jaws on those "pliers" and don't take any wooden "nickels". Put on some "pants". > Enough of this, back to the game!! Keep your back to the the game and I'll keep my front to Pussy Galore. Mind the oversized "Johnny Jump-Up" in the corner, and keep doing the "Hamster Dance". I could've had a "V-8". -- K. Has anyone ever told Mr. Bond that martinis are so gay that they'd be called "margaritas" if they didn't taste bad? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spot is dead. Long live Spot. Date: Sun, 22 Feb 2004 01:24:29 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I imagine this poor dog didn't have a chance up against the death ray. Still, it was nice finally seeing "Spot Dies" as part of a headline on CNN.com. Not that I wanted him to die. I just wanted an excuse to stop writing stories about him until I get some new ideas for different ways to kill him. "White House dog Spot dies", from CNN: -> -> WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Spot, an English springer spaniel with a White House -> pedigree who spent nearly 15 years with President Bush and his family, -> has died, the White House announced Saturday. -> -> An administration official told CNN that Spot was put to sleep Saturday -> around 1:30 p.m. after suffering a series of strokes. Her remains will -> be taken to the president's ranch in Crawford, Texas. So long, Spot. Sorry to hear that the pressure got to you after so much time having to be the smartest one in the White House. Also sorry to hear about your sex change, unless it was consensual, in which case, you go, girl! -- K. Poor Spot! He died while still waiting his turn to be President after a few more Bushes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: talk.bizarre Date: Sun, 22 Feb 2004 01:28:18 -0500 Stewart Connor (stewartconnor@aol.com) wrote: > > Does anyone care to give me the history of the relationship between this > group and T-Dot-B or are you afraind you might wake Kent. Something, _this_ group spells an entire sentence correctly. -- K. talk.bizarre doesn't have any talking, while alt.religion.kibology doesn't have any pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:01:22 -0500 Okay, here's what I'm trying to reconcile: We know that all professional sports are rigged, and presumably rigged by homophobes because no gay people like sports and everyone's who's not gay is a homophobe. So, the reason the New England Patriots were selected to win the Super Bowl this year was to cause riots in Boston to scare all the gay people into locking themselves in their closets instead of telling lawmakers to let them get married. But, we also know that "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" is all fake too (I mean, it's obvious that some of the "straight" guys are gay and all of the five "gay" guys are robots, except for Ted) and it's presumably part of some gay plot by one of those eccentric gay billionaires who is trying to popularize the word "queer" because he bought up the entire world's supply of the "Q" tile in Scrabble to drive up its price (it's expected to increase to 25 points by next week.) So how can we nail these two conspiracy theories together into one grand, over-arching theory that explains all of science's mistakes? Please draw me a diagram by tomorrow in case I accidentally enroll in a college course overnight and need it for some sort of weird homework. Thank you for your support of my paranoia. -- K. Also, the Hanky Code is just a ploy to prevent the existence of gay nudist colonies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:16:32 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > But, we also know that "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" is all fake > > > too (I mean, it's obvious that some of the "straight" guys are gay > > > and all of the five "gay" guys are robots, except for Ted) and it's > > > presumably part of some gay plot by one of those eccentric gay > > > billionaires who is trying to popularize the word "queer" because he > > > bought up the entire world's supply of the "Q" tile in Scrabble to > > > drive up its price (it's expected to increase to 25 points by next > > > week.) > > > > Feh, good riddance. That thing's just a drag on the rack, > > Alt.religion.kibology gay-related punk band #1: "Drag on the Rack" > > Cross-dressing S&M! Medieval torture devices! IT'LL BE A BIG, BIG HIT! Hmm, actually, I think I've just stumbled onto a bigger conspiracy. Look at the three E-mail addresses at the top of this post! Notice any pattern? That's right, they all have DOTS in them! DOTS that might be just DRAWN ON your screen with the tip of a Sharpie! E-MAIL IS JUST MADE UP, THAT'S WHY NOBODY EVER ACTUALLY GETS ANY, ALL THOSE MESSAGES IN YOUR INBOX CAME WITH YOUR COMPUTER AND ARE DELIVERED BY A TIME-RELEASE NUISANCE MECHANISM!!! Also, I hear that world.std.com changed their name to TheWorld.com a few years ago, but I predict everyone will keep using the old name because it's funny to say "STD" in a sentence. The only way it could be funnier would be if the word "herpes" had some "k" sounds in it, like "ka-herpes" or "schenectaderpes". As far as "Drag On The Rack" (or possibly "Dragon The Rack") goes, there is a bar in Boston called "The Rack", and someone recommended I go there, but I looked it up and it's a freakin' Yuppie bar that requires a suit and no sneakers except on Casual Fridays when you can wear a sweater vest, so someone needs to clue them in that naming their bar "The Rack" was a bad idea if they don't want people to confuse them with another type of bar, the type whose dress code says "NO BROWN LEATHER (unless qualifying as complete Western wear.)" I'm not sure what you have to do to "qualify" as being a complete cowboy, I assume it's something along the lines of a life-size cutout of the cowboy from the Village People captioned "You must be at least as butch as me to be allowed to wear the icky brown leather." Still haven't been to that club. Anyone want to go with me? -- K. Also, technically, racks predate the medieval era, given that the Romans and Greeks loved them too. For instance, Aristophanes mentions them, and of course there's the legend of Procrustes. I refer you to the chapter "Stretching And Suspension" in "The Instruments Of Torture", a book I just happened to have handy here in the bathroom. Oops, I shouldn't have mentioned that I carry my laptop computer into the bathroom. Now you might think I'm weird! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 01:01:30 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Still haven't been to that club. Anyone want to go with me? > > As much as I'd love to bar-hop Faneuil Hall with you, I'm afraid > that "The Rack" is out of the question. I can't even think about > that place without giggling uncontrollably as I think of breasts. I wasn't referring to the Rack, I was referring to the _other_ bar -- the leather-only one. There's no way I'd be caught dead in a bar where the dress code required serious business attire instead of forbidding it. I want to make it very clear to all that I'm not the sort of weirdo who would ever go to a place where you can't wear leather. Other things that are wrong with the Rack include it having a Web site with an eleven point six megabyte Flash animation on their mustard-and-poop-colored home page. I've seen actual _pornography_ that doesn't waste that much bandwidth. Anyway, Karlo, I'd take you to the _other_ bar, but I suspect you're not the sort of person who owns a leather jacket. -- K. Or a really good scanner radio. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Gay Conspiracy. Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 01:54:49 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, Karlo, I'd take you to the _other_ bar, but I suspect you're > > not the sort of person who owns a leather jacket. > > Sadly, I've given away or sold all of my leather apparel, since wearing > dead cow is so declasse'. There's nothing like the supple, buttery feel > of a motorcycle jacket cut from genuine human flesh, but only if IT PUTS > THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN beforehand. No leather jacket? Too bad. You USED to be cool! Remember when you burned down that whole restaurant just to impress Mike Jittlov? But it's okay, the dress code does allow for some flexibility. For instance, you could just wear one of your impersonating-a-police-officer outfits. Or a rubber hazmat suit. I think "bare chest" counts as one of the things on their dress code list, but I don't know what you'd do for pants if you don't have any leather. Maybe you could just paint your legs black if your skin is wrinkly enough. Also, forget leather jackets made from human flesh. What we need to do is clone some dinosaurs. Imagine the clothing possibilities if you peeled a big shiny tyrannosaur. Just think, one apatosaurus could make such great bedsheets without all those little seams you'd have if you'd used ordinary sharkskin. -- K. If I made a suit out of 5,738 chameleons, what would I have to do to it to get it to do its trick? Is "dip it in warm water" just for the pink fuzzy chameleons they make Barbie's clothes from? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why the Segway failed. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:15:30 -0500 I finally figured out why the Segway scooter failed to become a national mega-craze, other than that the thing serves no purpose because it goes slower than I can walk. Two problems: 1. You have to steer it! That's complicated! and 2. It requires power! That's a non-zero cost of ownership! Therefore, given that the Segway has not caught on during the first fifty-four years after it was invented (by Robert Heinlein, "The Roads Must Roll", 1940) I am introducing something much better. The Henway. The Henway does not need steering! You just climb onto it and, by much the same principle as the stupid Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner and the Bumble Ball, you will eventually arrive at your destination if you wait long enough for that to be inevitable. And the Henway does not need batteries! It moves entirely by harnessing the Universe's endless supply of Brownian motion. Sure, the Henway may look like a square piece of carpet padding with "HENWAY $19.95" written on it with a Sharpie, but the laws of physics say that not only will the thing move by itself, it will eventually go everywhere assuming the Universe lasts forever. (And if the Universe does end before you're tired of your Henway, you'll have bigger things to worry about than getting your money's worth out of my overpriced carpet padding.) You can line up to buy your Henways right here. I accept cash. Also there is a fifty-dollars-and-five-cents penalty for not having exact change, so bring $70 to save yourself the trouble of counting a bunch of coins. I am doing this entirely as a gift to humanity to show my appreciation for them being about to make me rich. Sincerely, Kibo (a better inventor than Edison, Tesla, Einstein, and Mark Twain combined into one person with super-wacky hair and a disposition eight times as irascible as a sane and therefore not-a-genius inventor) -- K. I think I'm going to need a bigger wallet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why the Segway failed. Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 00:53:09 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I am introducing something much better. The Henway. > > What's a ... no NO, _back_ you savage bag! It's okay, David. No bag for you. I won't be putting the bag on you tonight. In a slightly later article, Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I am introducing something much better. The Henway. > > Q: What's a Henway? > > A: Oh, about six pounds or so. HELLO KARLO! THIS IS THE BAG YOU'LL BE STAYING IN WHILE WE DRIVE TO HOUSTON! ON A HENWAY! (Wacky clown music begins to play as a pair of giant hands wearing Mickey Mouse gloves descend from the sky. The hands grab a big knitting needle and sew Karlo into a soundproof rubber sack, after first dumping Betty White out of it. Then they drop the bag onto a Henway. Kibo walks over and raises a foot as if to climb on board too, then stops.) Kibo: "Eh... TOO obvious." (Kibo walks away, leaving the Henway sitting there. In the distance, one can faintly hear the sound of a baby crying. Nothing happens for several hours, but then one of the strips of wallpaper on the far wall starts peeling a little. Curtain.) -- K. This article was partly funded by a generous but imaginary grant from Yoko Ono. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why the Segway failed. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:51:03 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Henway does not need steering! You just climb onto it and, > > by much the same principle as the stupid Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner > > Just how useless is the Roomba? I keep thinking of getting one, first to > support the home robot industry, second as a thing for the dogs to worry, > and finally, possibly some sort of cleaning action. Actually the first two > reasons are good enough for me, but it would be great to hit teh Trifecta > on this one. Take one of your dogs. Tie a dust rag to his tail. Lock in him the room after drugging him up so he twirls around aimlessly. Wait several hours. Presto, you've just cleaned the place as thoroughly as the Roomba would. Even as robots go, the things are stupid. They don't know what shape the room is or where any of the furniture is. You put it in the middle of the floor, it spirals outwards until it hits something, then it yells "WAAH! MOMMY!" and starts drawing random pentagrams all over your carpet. And the immutable laws of probability say that you could run the thing all night and it would still somehow miss all the spots where the spots are. The Roomba is one of the worst inventions of the last hundred years, right up there with Doritos 3Ds and tube socks. -- K. The only part of the body tube socks fit on properly is the forearm. Why don't they just put "FOR PUPPET USE ONLY" on the wrapper? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Public service announcement. Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:21:09 -0500 Public service announcement: If you dare to watch all 22 episodes of "Star Trek: The Animated Series" (1973-74) in one weekend, don't come crying to me when the really crappy incidental music starts running through your head. And yes, McCoy really did say "I've never admired a body function before." -- K. What was WRONG with people in the '70s? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best Monday EVAH! Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:20:37 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > John Schmidt (a.dingo@mebay.biz) wrote: > > > > Please, God, shoot me now. > > Awww! Sounds like SOMEBODY could use a nice, hot bowl of > yummy homemade jambalaya! > > Too bad you don't have any! When you say "hot", do you mean "cooked in the microwave", or do you mean "loaded with so much fluorescent red pepper that it induces partial aphasia and glossolalia (in that order)"? 'Cause I only like one of those. I don't know why the waitresses ask "How is everything?" if they get freaked out when you pronounce "Good!" as "Yeegha gurble nurr dawagala blaaaaaa deedle dee deet deet dah." They shouldn't hire people who are unable to watch other people eat food that's too hot for people. -- K. "Food... very... spicy... can't... speak... at... normal... rate..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Look at me! Look at me! Again... Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:26:50 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > => There's nothing supernatural about author Anne Rice's > => drastic weight loss: The "Interview With a Vampire" author > => had gastric bypass surgery and has lost 103 pounds -- down > => from 255, reports People." > > (from the Seattle Post Intelligencer December 15, 2003) Whereas the Boston Globe merely said that she ruined the Fetish Flea Market for everyone because she was faaaaaaaaaat. I'm so glad I never read newspapers. (I get all my information from more reliable sources, such as TV, the back of a Count Chocula box from 1979, hallucinations, and "Reader's Digest", in decreasing order of usefulness.) -- K. Do you think Jack Kevorkian ever dealt with someone who DIDN'T have a subscription to "Reader's Digest"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Afraid Date: Mon, 23 Feb 2004 15:34:10 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I'm afraid I just convinced my local pharmacy that my sister is insane. Just because she's related to you doesn't _prove_ she's demented. (It doesn't help, either.) > Or maybe I'm nuts because the head dude kept saying that I said > something I do not recall saying. Did anyone hear something just now? I thought I heard a mosquito buzzing or other tiny insect. But I really should stop talking to myself because there's nobody else here at all. La la la... nope, nobody is talking to me. > Maybe the head dude is nuts. Do you mean he's insane, or just that the pharmacy is owned by a can of Planters salted cashews that are controlling your mind with their poisonous cashew rays? You don't have to answer that, because I know you're not really here. -- K. Also, I think your E-mail address might be hallucinating, it's leaving trails all over my screen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 14:46:26 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > After spending most of this past Saturday afternoon trapped in a Home > Depot, I have some more fun memories that will likely accompany me to my > grave, if not beyond. Home Depot has ripped me off and screwed me over a number of times (in fact, three in one trip.) So although I still go there sometimes to buy my lumber and chains and stuff, I prefer to go to Lowe's whenever possible. They have more stuff, the prices are correctly marked, the staff knows where stuff is, and most importantly, they're not Home Depot. > *For instance, there was the attendant in the power tool department who, > after looking in vain for the saw we described for him, said, "Well, you > know, the time to come in here is really during the week. That's when > the people who know where everything is are likely to be here." Yes, > nothing I'd rather do than spend my office lunch hour schlepping to HD > and wandering the aisles looking in vain for a customer service rep. Also, another thing that annoys me about Home Depot: The store has the philosophy that everyone should buy power tools all the time. Have you ever tried buying a hand tool there, such as a Phillips screwdriver in any size other than "huge"? A hand drill? Small pliers? Sears has a very nice selection of hand tools (and their power tools are cheaper, too.) > *I asked a kind gentleman cashier to scan a trowel for me, since we were > uncertain as to its price. Well, gee whillikers, it's apparently not in > their current store inventory! So we just stand there for several > seconds. I guess I was supposed to (A) just fork over whatever amount > this item cost or (B) absolutely forget about purchasing this trowel -- > BECAUSE IT'S NOT IN THE CURRENT STORE INVENTORY! -- put it back where I > found it, then walk over to the PVC section, lie on the ground and curl > into a fetal ball. But I gently persisted, and he looked further into > the vast electronic archives to find the price I was looking for. Hurray! I remember once when I needed a brick from Home Depot (I only needed one, because I just needed something to put underneath some jewelry I was blowtorching) the cashier gave me grief about having to look up the price in the Big Book Of Bricks for just ONE brick. I had the distinct impression she wanted me to think she'd have been happier if I'd made her do it for a whole ton of them, even though we all know that then she would have griped about having to count them, because counting is hard! > *With absolutely no one in sight, not a customer nor even a lost child, > my wife lugged over the Special Employees-Only Stepladder so as to reach > some corner bead. And wouldn't you know it, a customer service rep > catches her in the act and she got in TROUBLE! Well, not really -- he > just semi-politely called her attention to the "employees-only" sign on > the ladder, to which my wife replied, "Well, try and _find_ an employee > when you need one." Then they had a generally amicable conversation > about how accidents sometimes happen, and she broke a few kneecaps, > flashed her winning smile, and we went away. for five to ten. > Oh, by the way, we made extensive use of the store's "Free Twine for > Customers Who Need to Tie Stuff On Top of Their Vehicle" offer. Well, there's your problem right there. If you're going to take a Home Depot employee for a ride and a "generally amicable conversation", twine isn't adequate. You should really use rope and duct tape when you're explaining your point of view to them on the trip to the abandoned gravel quarry where they'll never find the body until the BBC decides to film a "Doctor Who" episode there after exhausting all the possibilities of every British abandoned gravel quarry. > Sean ("Hope we didn't ruin it for the rest of you") Lasnayemere Could you please ruin Sharper Image for me? That store emits a powerful field of loser rays. Maybe you could fill the entire store with cement or something? -- K. "I've reprogrammed your Roomba for... MURDER. While you're tied to that chair, the evil Roomba will blunder around randomly and eventually bump you to death." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 00:18:09 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > I remember once when I needed a brick from Home Depot (I only needed > > one, because I just needed something to put underneath some jewelry > > I was blowtorching) the cashier gave me grief about having to look > > up the price in the Big Book Of Bricks for just ONE brick. > > "Here, let me look as apparently this is just too much for you. Go have > another smoke break. If anyone asks, I'll just tell them you quit." Yeah, really. Shopping at Home Depot is almost as bad as dealing with those pinheads at Blockbuster. > > "I've reprogrammed your Roomba for... MURDER. While you're > > tied to that chair, the evil Roomba will blunder around > > randomly and eventually bump you to death." > > "Meanwhile I shall leave the room, giving you a small chance of escaping, > unoticed and unloved." You don't think I'd be standing there videotaping the whole thing? Also, the in real world, ropes don't slip right off. -- K. And also, in the real world, the Roomba doesn't belong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 14:42:29 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > Yeah, really. Shopping at Home Depot is almost as bad as dealing with > > those pinheads at Blockbuster. > > Damn pinheads. All I want is to rent some movies that aren't in yet with an > account I don't have! Uh, no. I got cross with Blockbuster when they decided to try to ruin my credit rating for no good reason (well after I had returned a video, which had been sitting on their shelf all the time they were giving my old mailing address grief over it.) Then when the collection agency tracked me down, the Blockbuster manager explained that it was my fault for not giving that store my change of address when I moved LONG AFTER I HAD RETURNED THE VIDEO. I went to the store to complain about this. They didn't even want to refund my money after I showed them that the video in question had been checked back into their system and was sitting on their shelf, and wound up with the asshole store manager yelling at me while the rent-a-cop hovered over my shoulder. I stayed calm and refused to accept anything other than a full refund. Eventually they agreed to give me back the money they stole from me if I promised never to rent from that Blockbuster again, and I explained that there was no fucking chance in hell that I was ever going to rent anything from ANY Blockbuster ever again. I have since heard similar stories from several other people about how Blockbuster likes to randomly bill you a hundred bucks for videos you've already returned. There are a couple of Web sites about this sort of scam Blockbuster has been pulling over and over. I could see it being an innocent mistake if it happened once in a while and they refunded money when it was demonstrated that the video in question had not been stolen because it was still in the store, but I've heard this same story so many times -- complete with the refusal to refund the money even after it's proven that Blockbuster was in "error" -- that I gather it's their idea of the natural course of business. They put random charges on your credit card and make out like it's YOUR fault that they decided to rip you off. This isn't just fraud. It's arrogant, obnoxious fraud. There are spammers selling home-made Viagra who have better refund policies. That's just one of the reasons why I detest Blockbuster and everyone and everything associated with Blockbuster. Want to hear the other fifteen, or should we just skip ahead to me slugging you, Blockbuster boy? -- K. (I don't really want to slug you. I just want you to understand that you've served as an instrument of a corporation more evil than Disney and Viacom combined! And yes, that makes you bad.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 04:55:17 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > (I don't really want to slug you. > > I just want you to understand > > that you've served as an instrument > > of a corporation more evil than > > Disney and Viacom combined! > > And yes, that makes you bad.) > > [...] > > P.S. I am bad. And that's okay. Bad people like you serve a valuable social function. If it wasn't for bad people like you, there would be no need for good people like me to go around enforcing goodness by threatening to bop all the bad people. So, Lots, thank you for being bad. Your excellent badness enables my evil goodness. And that fills my heart with black clouds of love! Black, zappy clouds! > P.P.S. I really did get stoners and idiots who wanted to rent movies that > weren't even in the theatres yet. But they weren't the same customers Yes, well, see, you got those customers because you were bad. The law is in the Constitution that when you're bad, you have to be surrounded by idiots. I know that's cruel and unusual punishment, but that's legal as long as the crazy law is in the Constitution BEFORE the part that rules out cruel and unusual. Anyway, Lots, c'mere and let me hug you to show you how sorry I am that you're bad. -- K. Me, I'm getting better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 03:33:44 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Can someone explain collection agencies to me? > > Kibo did a pretty good job, PRETTY good? PRETTY good? When you want to tell me you're not wholly satisfied with my explanation of how to be mean to people, it's "Pretty good, SIR," you ungrateful little piggy. So now I'm adding you to the master list of people I will be cold-calling if I ever realize the dream I've had for the past three hours of being a roving collection agent, selecting people to harass for completely arbitrary reasons having nothing to do with Blockbuster being a bunch of swindling scumbags. "Pretty good, SIR" would have been acceptable, but it's too late now. So when I sell my imaginary supermarket and open up an imaginary cold-calling collection-agency boiler room, you're going to be at the top of my list of "People whose lives should be ruined for no reason other than that they asked for it by violating some pointless rule I just thought of." > but there was also the first chapter of that Mike Nelson book where > he discusses his experiences as the most inept collection agent ever. > It's probably the best part of the book, which is why they put it at > the beginning to trick bookstore browsers into buying the rest of the > book in hopes that it would all be of the same quality. Hey, I also liked the story about how he ruined "Brigadoon" by clumsily flailing around on stage in a dance belt. I liked that chapter because, by gum, SOMEONE needed to ruin "Brigadoon". And I think he got to it shortly before "Lexx" did. So don't dis Mike Nelson's "Brigadoon" chapter. 'Cause when you dis Mike, you dis "Mystery Science Theater 3000", and when you dis "Mystery Science Theater 3000", you dis TV, and TV is a close personal friend of mine. I will note that next to your name in my little black book of horrible bloody vengeance. I have nothing against you. It's just that you left out an unnecessary word and then implicitly maligned the concept of television. So now I'm afraid I have to punish you. It's too bad that rules are rules... If only you lived in a world where rules were funny party hats it would be a good time for all, including careless rulebreakers like you. YOU DAMN NONCONFORMIST! -- K. (It's not your fault I'm in a bad mood today! It'll only be your fault if I don't get cheered up by your screaming and crying while you watch me come over and tear up your Beanie Babies.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 05:08:38 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > PRETTY good? PRETTY good? When you want to tell me you're not wholly > > satisfied with my explanation of how to be mean to people, it's > > "Pretty good, SIR," you ungrateful little piggy. So now I'm adding > > you to the master list of people I will be cold-calling if I ever > > realize the dream I've had for the past three hours of being a > > roving collection agent, selecting people to harass for completely > > arbitrary reasons having nothing to do with Blockbuster being a > > bunch of swindling scumbags. > > Mommy, Kibo stole my copy of 'S&M For Dummies: Mental Torture'. YOUR MOMMY'S NOT HERE, MAGGOT! DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY! DOLLARS! S&M is not for dummies. Mummies, maybe, dummies, no. Also, technically, it's D&S, not S&M, even though it's all the same thing once you make a nice stew. It's D&S if someone tells you not to leave, it's B&D if you're physically unable to leave, it's S&M if someone spanks you until you're too sore to try to leave. > > (It's not your fault I'm in a bad mood > > today! It'll only be your fault if I > > don't get cheered up by your screaming > > and crying while you watch me come over > > and tear up your Beanie Babies.) > > > > AAAH THE CIA BUILT THEM. > > (Cody Banks 2, it's revealed the CIA built Beanie Babies as an assasination > tool. I wish to Christ I was making this up. [...]) Of course you can't make up movies. You didn't work in Hollywood. You worked in Blockbuster, where your job consisted of watching movies like "Cody Banks 2" all day (once it comes to home video) in order to break your spirit so that you won't have the will to say "You asked me to give you a recommendation, so... I recommend you leave Blockbuster and go to a better video store! All the movies here are crap, crap, crap! Find a store that has weird stuff instead of just children's movies marketed to grownups!" AND I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY TWENTY DOLLARS! -- K. I THINK I'LL SPEND IT ON SOME WD-40 TO UNSTICK MY CAPS LOCK KEY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 00:44:58 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Can someone explain collection agencies to me? I had a debt I didn't > actually owe and it took two years for the local Fuckhead Bank to > finally fix it. While it was being disputed I called the collection > agency trying to find the name of someone at Fuckhead Bank who might > help me. The collection guy was probably the stupidest, nastiest person > I ever spoke with. If you call someone a cocksucker, are they really > more likely to pay their debt? There are certain occupations that appeal to sadists. IRS auditor, dentist, leg waxer, sitcom writer, and collection agent. However, these jobs also appeal to really bad, inept sadists -- the sort of clueless bullies you easily avoided in school -- who don't understand that calling someone Lenny Bruce's favorite word doesn't make them more likely to obey (or even to have oral sex with the collection guy.) You were probably dealing with a crummy little collection agency that couldn't afford to hire someone who knew how to really dominate someone. People who are bullies because they don't know how to work well with others, as opposed to a proper sadist who would be an expert in the art of working someone over. Anyway, sorry to hear you only got to talk to an asshole instead of a properly efficient sadist. Next time you could add me to a conference call with the jerk and we could have a three-way game. I'd do the talking, he'd do the listening, you'd do the snickering. That reminds me, tomorrow at work I should walk over to the accounting department and check whether you paid all your bills before you closed your world.std.com account. > The saddest part was that he was sloppy in trying to get information > from me. He's pretend like he was about to tell me an anecdote about > why I should pay this debt I don't owe, and would say, "So, where do you > work?" What a good idea, you just called me a filthy whore, I'll give > you my work number. Brilliant! Then he started whining about how he > hated his job, then said he didn't care if I paid the debt or not. Cool! I think you could have broken him with a little work. You could have tried the game of "Spend the next sixty seconds telling me how unhappy you are about your job and then if you're sufficiently depressed I'll pay up," then let him grumble for ninety, and then loudly declare, "NOT DEPRESSED ENOUGH!" and hang up. Then get all star-sixty-nine on his ass until he cries into the phone so that it gives his face electrical shocks. > I can't imagine this being an effective method of debt collection, > though. Not compared to things you can do with rope, no. You could collect ANYTHING in ten minutes with ten feet of rope. Seriously, unless someone is really intent on protecting some nuclear secret or something, you can break anyone in ten minutes. Breaking them without touching them, that's the real challenge. It would be even harder if they were on the phone. The first step would be to give them a reason not to just hang up on you. Solve that problem, then just berate them endlessly in the right manner, and they'll eventually come around just to get you to allow them to hang up. So anyway, I'm considering going back to that Blockbuster and stealing a whole bunch of videotapes now that I know how not to let people like that be the boss of me. In the bad mood I've been in this week, I'm itching to unleash my inner R. Lee Ermey on someone. How many push-ups do you think I could get out of the average Blockbuster grunt? -- K. I'm not really a mean person, except to people who DESERVE it. And I'm so generous that I think lots of people DESERVE my attention. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 23:42:27 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > In the bad mood I've been in this week, I'm > > > itching to unleash my inner R. Lee Ermey on someone. > > > > [...] it's all cute-duckies-and-bunnies hate. > > Your hate is a whimsical happy chubby child on the toilet kind of > hate. Your kind of hate has glowy yellow rays of hope and happiness > emanating from it. WAAH! STOP BELITTLING MY AWESOME CAPACITY TO BE BOUNDLESSLY CRUEL! MOMMY! > It's a warm hate, a kind hate, a designer brand mauve wallpaper kind > of hate. Don't hate your hate. Embrace it. Your hate goes well with > a sophisticated chilled salmon dinner. You're taking ALL the fun out of cruelty. Who are you, Garry Marshall? -- K. Salmon is the worst color of fish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Home Depot Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 16:08:33 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Home Depot has ripped me off and screwed me over a number of times > > (in fact, three in one trip.) So although I still go there sometimes > > to buy my lumber and chains and stuff, > > Doctroid laughs at Kibo for buying lumber at Home Depot. > > Not that I haven't. But fortunately I've moved to a place that's > about 20 or 30 miles from the nearest Home Depot, and instead I've had > to use a locally owned lumber store where, if you let the employee > load you up with the first twenty 2x4s he comes to, you still end up > with far straighter, sounder lumber than if you pick through every 2x4 > Home Depot has. I live in a big city. I have no car. It's either get my lumber at Home Depot, or cut down one of the only two trees in the city. I agree with you that the lumber at Home Depot is not straight, sound, safe, sane, and consensual. And the sheet metal, well, their sheet metal is a joke. And just try to find which aisle they keep the nose rings on. -- K. If only Sears carried lumber, they'd be perfect, except for the way they don't keep black underwear in stock. I think even Home Depot carries a better selection of black underpants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: cheeseless supermarket pizza reviews (boring) Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 17:32:25 -0500 Because someone recently asked about commercially-available cheese-free pizzas, I just wanted to describe the two that are available in the "organicish" section of my local Shaw's Market. These are the only no-cheese pizzas in the product lines of two of the companies making hippie-friendly meatless pizzas. "Bravissimo!" brand vegetable pizza has a tomato sauce that tastes primarily of oregano, with a little garlic and a small amount of hot pepper. The toppings are nothing but bell peppers, onions, and eggplant. Yes, cubes of eggplant. I guess they wanted to be sure that something on the pizza would turn to Styrofoam when the thing gets baked. Or maybe they just wanted some gray topping so you could pretend you're eating meat as long as you don't make the mistake of trying to eat this pizza. I like eggplant, but cubes of eggplant are not good for pizza or other toasted things. "Amy's" brand vegetable pizza is a bit less conventional, but much more enjoyable than the other one. It has more types of toppings, and they cover the pizza better. The toppings are mushrooms, onions, red peppers, and artichoke hearts. The sauce is applied sparingly, and is quite sweet, giving the whole pizza a caramelized-onion flavor. (Some unusual ingredients like agave nectar and lemon juice are used in the sweet sauce.) The artichoke hearts are chopped up small enough that they soften up in the sauce instead of remaining chewy. I like this pizza, even though it doesn't taste remotely like a "normal" pizza -- it has a nice sort of antipasto/relish flavor. Both have good (but thin) crusts, and are small enough that one person can eat them in one sitting. Because I don't like in Quebec, my only other options for buying cheeseless pizzas in stores involve going to kosher markets. My local kosher market sometimes has freshly-made parve pizzas, which have onions, mushrooms, peppers, and (thinly-sliced) eggplant, and are actually pretty dull (not spicy, not sweet, not exotic.) They also have one brand of frozen vegan pizza I tried once which was really disgusting -- it was covered with hummus instead of tomato sauce, and hummus turns really gross when baked -- but I don't remember what brand that was. Just avoid any frozen pizzas covered with what looks like cracked mud after baking. The only other cheeseless pizzas I've seen in stores around here are the boxed kits for making Japanese pizzas (in the Japanese grocery stores, silly) but those aren't remotely edible, given that they involve seaweed and mayonnaise and cabbage and sometimes tentacles (but never tomatoes.) If I weren't so lazy/depressed/lacking in kitchen equipment I might just make my own cheeseless pizza and put actual meat on it along with plenty of hot pepper, but that's _work_, and I want to eat, not work. Maybe later tonight when I go shopping I'll buy myself enough parts to make myself a pizza. -- K. I've certainly got enough pizza cutters. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cheeseless supermarket pizza reviews (boring) Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 01:13:08 -0500 Earlier today, I wrote: > > Because I don't like in Quebec, I spell-checked it, but for some reason the computer didn't tell me I wanted to type "live", not "like". Please fix this in your notebook of Classic Kibo Comments so that les Quebecois won't think I hate them just because I made a little Freudian slip. After all, they flew into a murderous rage when Conan O'Brien's stupid little hand puppet said bad things about them. They got so mad they decided to make the rest of Canada suffer by refusing to ever secede. Canada is a country where it's really easy to cause outrage -- for instance, the Anglophones have been upset for a couple weeks that Don Cherry said the word "suck" -- as a noun! -- on TV. So I have no desire to provoke les Quebecois to throw stinky cheese at me. -- K. If I had spelled it "I don't lichen Quebec" they would have gotten all upset that I wouldn't digest their rocks and then they'd sneak up on me and liverwort me in my sleep. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: perve of the day! Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 15:01:19 -0500 from abclocal.go.com: -> -> Doll-carrying man knocking on doors in the dead of night -> -> By Elma Barrera -> ABC13 Eyewitness News -> -> (2/23/04 - PASADENA, TX) -- Unexpected nighttime knocking on -> your front door can be alarming enough, but imagine looking out -> to see a man dressed all in black waving a Barbie doll at you. -> It's happening in Pasadena and the situation is anything but funny. Then why are you telling us about it? Why are you wasting my time? Don't tell me you've fallen into that amateur comedy-writing trap of "But I can't change it, because it really happened!" Punch up your news stories or we'll never find them funny, even if they involve scary Barbie pervs. -> Witnesses say the man has never said a word and never tries to -> break in. He just waves that doll. He's been to the same house -> four times. There's a reason he doesn't speak. Using "Twilight Zone" logic, I've solved this mystery. The Barbie doll is actually alive and the man in black is a big doll. She carries him around using magical powers which she acquired after the 100,000,000th time someone's big brother cut her hair off, and now she's out to get revenge on humans by tricking them into thinking a pervert's after them when really it's just an ordinary magical superintelligent doll. -> The suspect comes in the middle of the night, between midnight -> and 2:30am, wearing dark clothes and a ski mask. Then he rings -> the doorbell. I've heard this joke before. But you didn't tell it right. You're supposed to start by mentioning he has no arms or legs before you get to the part about ringing the doorbell. -> Debbie Cryer explained, "He waves the Barbie doll. He'll take -> the doll (in his hands) and hold it with its legs spread open. -> He takes the Barbie doll and he shakes it... It's the only part -> of him that moves. He stands directly straight and he'll just -> move the Barbie doll. And then he strokes the hair sometimes." I humbly submit that that should be Mattel's new marketing slogan: Barbie. The Only Part Of Him That Moves. Now For Perverts! -> Debbie says the man has come four times in the past week, and -> she and her daughter are terrified. Coincidentally, her daughter -> has long blond hair, just like the Barbie doll that man holds. Only hopefully longer, because in an absolute sense, no Barbie doll has ever had hair longer than about two inches. -> They've called police, but the man gets away before they arrive. -> -> "They don't know who he is, or hadn't been expecting anybody," -> said Martin De Leon with the Pasadena Police Department. Curse that pervert for not phoning ahead to make an appointment! -> "It's always safe to always check and make sure you know who the -> person is on the other side of the door, rather than open it. -> The fact that they're looking through the peep hole and they see -> the Barbie doll, that just made it a little unusual. The fact -> that you have a man in a black ski mask and jacket knocking on -> doors late at night is enough cause for concern." Yeah, men in jackets are scary. BEWARE THE FRIARS CLUB!!! -> Pasadena police say they don't have a motive, and they don't -> have a description of the man, since he's been wearing a ski -> mask. But they do warn residents not to open the door if they -> don't know who's on the other side. -> -> (Copyright (c) 2004, KTRK-TV) Dear Captain Ktrk, You're right, you didn't make this report funny enough. Please try to make your perverts wackier from now on. Sincerely, Bored In Boston. -- K. P.S. Does a balaclava count as a ski mask? I need to know before my next date. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: perve of the day! Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 00:21:09 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> (2/23/04 - PASADENA, TX) -- Unexpected nighttime knocking on > > -> your front door can be alarming enough, but imagine looking out > > -> to see a man dressed all in black waving a Barbie doll at you. > > -> It's happening in Pasadena and the situation is anything but funny. > > Okay, while I might technically live in Pasadena I can be in Houston proper > with a mere one block walk. I'm so way out on the fashionable southwest > corner of Pasadena that it's like I'm pratically not even in the city of > Barbie Doll perverts! This is probably all happening up in the area where > Gilley's used to be. Mechanical bulls, Barbie Doll fetishes; do I have to > spell it out here people? Yes. Yes, you do. > > -> The suspect comes in the middle of the night, between midnight > > -> and 2:30am, wearing dark clothes and a ski mask. Then he rings > > -> the doorbell. > > I tend to turn in pretty early so there's no way this could be me. Not > only that, I don't even own a ski mask! They didn't say you owned one. They said you were wearing one. By the way, I need it back so I can go to the liquor store tomorrow night. > > -> (Copyright (c) 2004, KTRK-TV) > > So Kibo, what sort of not-OK kink are you trying to satisfy when do > searches that turn up people with weird Barbie Doll fetishes? Because I > have a hard time believing that the KTRK web site is one of your primary > news sources. I SEE ALL. > Also, was there any word on whether this nutjob might have been riding a > Segway? That could explain a lot. I think he was riding on top of a motorized Farrah Fawcett Fashion Head. -- K. My new hat's asymmetrical, and that's okay, because asymmetrical means threatening. I am an asymmetrical man. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beware of ATM scams! Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 00:13:19 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > Speaking of, > > http://www.wweek.com/story.php?story=4795&page=1 > > "To date, those higher-ups have found each one of Portland's 446 taser > deployments to be justified, though the Police Bureau has received 10 > complaints from people who say they were tased unnecessarily, says > Internal Affairs Captain Darrel Schenck. His unit reviews each complaint > and has found no taser usages that don't comply with Portland's policy. > Several complaints are pending." I'd just like to say that I've never been Tasered unnecessarily, no matter how suspicious I act. > and: > > "* In March 2003, a woman who fell asleep in her car parked outside a > North Portland 7-11 awoke to cops opening her car door and tasing her; > according to taser officer Ken Reynolds' report, she had glared at them > and reached for her pocket even after being warned. His partner's > report, however, states that there was no warning and the tasing was not > prompted by any move for her pocket--an account the woman echoed to WW > when contacted." Why's she complaining to Wil Wheaton about it? Sure, his Web site's more popular than whatever this "wweek.com" is, but Wil is a valuable national resource and should only be consulted in emergencies regarding phasers, not Tasers. Also, I like the title, "taser officer Ken Reynolds". If I ever get to be a real cop I'm going to ask if I can be "Laser Tag Officer Kibo" until I can get promoted to "Level 3 TaserMaster Kibo" (at Level 3, you get to make your own scenarios) and eventually "SuperZapper Kibo" (so I could yell "FREEZE, FUSEBALL!") -- K. Also, if I were a cop with a real phaser, I would keep it set on "fire three simultaneous beams in three different directions to make red light bulbs come on inside a cluster of three Styrofoam rocks designed by Ernie Bushmiller," just like in that episode I don't remember any details about. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: The Zoetrope Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 00:14:32 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Mr Horner's wondrous invention affords a gay distraction, as the > pictures whirl and jig about before one's very eyes! Tsk, tsk. Mr. Burrage. Recruited by a zoetrope. If you've gone over to the other team because of a mildly distracting gay thingie, I wonder what would happen if you ever saw something really gay, like a Skittles commercial. > Although the Revered Luscious Faser warned our congregation not to > cast our eyes upon this "Devil's Wheel" lest our souls be damned for > all eternity, by happenstance the cook procured one of these devices > yesterday. I took it upon myself to bring it to my study whereby I > could study it in the stronger light, by and by. The zoetrope itself is not evil. However, the programming it carries might be. Sure, that bouncing ball jumping over the volcano might look okay, but if you look closely at one of the twelve frames of the loop you might be able to discern a faint image of a woman and a horse in front of a curtain with deedlee-balls. > Formidible! Gad, sir, it is more fun than poking a dancing bear with a > sharpened stick. I would disagree. But that's because I got recruited by a bear. -- K. Where's the "WINK!" button on this newfangled keyboard? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 03:45:58 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > on 22 Feb, TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > I just found out the Premier of Tasmania is the Honourable Minister > > Jim Bacon. > > er-- > > : Monday, February 23, 2004. 3:24pm (AEDT) > : > : Cancer forces Bacon out > : > : Tasmanian Premier Jim Bacon is to quit politics, after being > : diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. > > PUT the DEATH RAY *DOWN*, Tim. All's I know is that the sentence "Cancer forces Bacon out" seems oddly perverted. > thank you. > > also, if it's all the same to you, and I mean this in the nicest > possible way and it's anything BUT an insult, okay?, um, I'd rather if > you didt'n follow up. butthat'sjustifit'sokaywithyou! cool. knew I > could count on you! I'd just like to add that you can post followups to my articles. In fact, everyone should only post followups to my articles. -- K. It's rude of you to make fun of the guy's terminal cancer, or rather it would be if he didn't have a silly last name. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: survey of the unemployed Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 14:53:37 -0500 Michael Jacobs (zeeos1@netscape.net) wrote: > > Subject: survey of the unemployed > > Dear colleague, > > As a college senior at the University of California where I study > sociology, I am conducting a survey for my thesis; I would be grateful > if you would take some of your time to respond. Dear idiot spammer who will never, ever be considered a "colleage" by a non-spammer like me, I would be grateful if you'd give me a trillion dollars. But unlike you, I understand that not everyone else exists just to help me be lazy. So I don't expect you to give me even half a trillion dollars before you go away. > Please follow the link: http://63.198.72.174/ . No, not even if you were to buy some vowels for that PacBell DSL line you're spamming from. > Thanks for your time, Oh, my time is only worth "thanks". I guess I was stupid to take a job that pays in money. > Michael S. Jacobs > Berkeley, CA So, Mr. Michael S. Jacobs, college student for at least the past four years, is there some reason you're interested in studying the effects of unemployment? Preparing yourself for a long life standing on a streetcorner with a sign saying "WILL WORK FOR THANKS"? -- K. (I am in a real take-no-shit mood today, and I'm just about to go outside, so watch out, Boston. Yeah, that means you, guys on the subway.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Here comes a meme: "cockle pickers" Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 15:41:58 -0500 From www.ananova.com: -> -> MP defiant over cockle pickers joke -> -> Tory MP Ann Winterton has defied calls for an apology after she -> was suspended from the parliamentary Conservative Party for making -> an insensitive joke about the deaths of 20 Chinese cockle pickers. Yeah, it's never funny when twenty of those cute little floppy dogs die. -> [...] -> -> In an after-dinner speech just three weeks after the death -> of the cocklers trapped by the rising tide, Mrs Winterton -> reportedly told a joke about a shark which is sick of eating -> tuna and says: "Let's go to Morecambe for a Chinese." That's reportedly a joke? If so, it's not a very good one. It doesn't even include the words "cockle" or "picker" or "pickle" or "cocker" or "asteroid". -- K. If you keep picking it, it'll keep going off half-cocked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here comes a meme: "cockle pickers" Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 16:38:58 -0500 X-Correction: Dammit, I gotta fix ANOTHER typo in this important article [Sorry if you already saw this. This article was cancelled and reposted to get all the typos out, like when I accidentally called Linux "squally" even though I never really thought about it that way.] I just wrote: > > From www.ananova.com: > -> > -> MP defiant over cockle pickers joke > > [...] > If you keep picking it, > it'll keep going off > half-cocked. Speaking of which, also from www.ananova.com: => Man got penis stuck in padlock => => A Russian man has been told he will have a bent penis for the => rest of his life after trapping it in a padlock. Was it in the keyhole? Or was it strictly a shaft/hasp interaction? => Firemen in Moscow spent an hour freeing the 20-year-old man => after he called emergency services after a sex game went wrong. There really should be a separate number for that. The Special Sex Squad. => A doctor at Moscow's Hospital No.50, where the man was treated, => told local daily Moskovsky Komsomolets: "His penis will be bent => to one side but it will still function." However, his beloved padlock is now impotent. => Firemen used cold water and grease to try to release the padlock => before finally cutting it free with a saw. Key? Silicone oil? Lockpick? Poke a little hole in a throbbing vein to let some of the trapped blood out so it goes soft? I tell you, the Russian fire brigades aren't the people I'd want to rely on in that situation. Especially because I bet it was the big chainsaw they use to get people out of crushed cars. That article is not to be confused with a similar article from last week... From Deutche Welle, www.dw-world.de: -> -> Bondage Penguin Released by German Cops The illustration for this headline -- I am not making this up -- is a picture of the Linux logo (the fat, greasy penguin) captioned "The scene was a bit more disturbing than this little fella." I don't know, I think German self-bondage is only equally as disturbing as Linux. -> German police officers in the western city of Aachen thought -> they had been the victims of a hoax call when they turned up at -> the home of a man who had called for their assistance. -> -> Banging on the door of the house for some time without answer, -> the police were about to leave when the occupant, a -> heavily-chained man dressed only in shiny black leather and -> white socks, appeared at the window. The incapacitated bondage -> fetishist then managed to drop the keys to the front door out of -> the window using his teeth. -> -> On entering the building, the police found that the man had been -> so heavily bound that he was unable to walk. He then shuffled -> over to them on his knees with his head bowed in what officers -> at the scene called the manner of a penguin. ...because everyone knows penguins are into bondage almost as much as parrots! One assume they're trying to describe a hog-tie. Note to German police: piggy submissives who hog-tie themselves might better be described as some non-penguin-like animal known for makin' bacon, rolling around in the mud, and beating up hippies. -> "To visualize the appearance of the afflicted party, one would -> have to imagine a penguin of waist-height waddling with slightly -> protruding wings," Aachen police said in a statement. "We -> thought it was a joke at first but the chains were bound so -> tight with handcuffs he could hardly move anything apart from -> his head." So how did he dial the phone? On second thought, I don't want to know. Especially if Germans still have old rotary phones. -> After the officers released his handcuffs with their own keys, Oh no! Now the established social order will be destroyed when all criminals escape arrest because the secret is out that all handcuffs in the world take the same keys! Except the cheap handcuffs they sell at Stop & Shop. Those take little skate keys that break off in the lock every time. -> the man was told that he should use a specialized establishment -> rather than practice at home. "We suggested in future that he go -> to places where that sort of thing might cost a bit more, but -> would definitely be safer for him," the spokesperson said. Yes, folks, in Germany, cops tell you to hire prostitutes instead of making friends! (Also, Herr Penguin, if you're reading this, you might want to mail me your handcuff keys for safekeeping. I promise to hold onto them real tight and only mail them back to you when you really, really, really need me to.) -> The police refused to speculate on how the man became ensnared. Are German cops stupid, or just polite? On second though, that's another thing I hope I never find out. Also... white socks? What a fetish fashion faux pas! That and him not being hooded and gagged. -- K. I would've just slipped the socks off and unlocked the door with my toes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Open House Behind the Scenes Tours. Cambridge Public Library Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 16:26:18 -0500 In ne.general, ne.politics, and alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Moonbeams and Masked Dreams Oh, Don, please don't tell us about your "dreamcatcher". > Open House > Saturday 6 March 2004 > > Main Library 449 Broadway Cambridge Massachusetts > Celebrate the wonders of our Main Library! > Join us for... > > . Building Illumination Ooh, the library, now with light bulbs. Guess they got tired of the smoke from all the candles. 'Course, they'll still have to keep the candles, because it'll be hard for the average public-library patron to light a crack pipe with a light bulb. > . Music by the Social Aid and Pleasure Society Brass Band And, Don, even the "Pleasure Society" doesn't need to hear about your "dreamcatcher". > . Stories > . Crafts > > . Behind the Scenes Tours > . Previews of our Plans for the New Building "Here's where we'll put the Saklad-proof fence... We'll plug it into this hydroelectric dam..." > . Refreshments > > We will announce the winner of our Name the Panda Mascot Contest. And, Don, I will relent on this issue and admit that "Dreamcatcher" would work great as a name for the library's imaginary panda. > Come dressed as your favorite literary character if you like! Don, you're quite the character, but I'm sorry, I don't have a costume that looks like that. I suppose I could cut up an old hat so that it only has one ear flap, and tuck my shirt into my ear, and make my own pants out of bubble wrap, but it just wouldn't be the same. Nobody would know who I was unless I wore a nametag, and if you showed up too and saw my nametag, one of us might get very confused and then we'd have to fight like when Kirk fought his evil twin in those eight episodes and, frankly, I think it might be against the library rules to have a fight over something as silly as which of us is the most perfect nerd. > Cambridge Public Library And then, thousands of people from across the Internet crashed the Cambridge Public Library's swanky shin-dig thanks to Don Saklad sharing his engraved invitation with the entire world. Gee, thanks, Don, you've just made the library's party so unhip. Now there probably won't even be an orgy in that area around the Xerox machines this year! -- K. I am SO glad I don't run a library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh, go take a flying protest at a rolling doughnut. Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 19:35:46 -0500 From Boston.com: -> -> Residents upset about Krispy Kreme wholesaling -> 2/26/2004 -> -> NEWINGTON, Conn. (AP) -- Along a stretch of highway dotted with -> adult bookstores, gun shops and cut-rate motels, a group of -> residents is fighting back against a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts shop. People have an irrational love of Krispy Kremes, but I'm glad to discover that there's one thing they like better than Krispy Kremes. Kudos to these busybodies who want their pornography uncontaminated by doughnuts! -> The small but relentless band of neighbors, which lost its bid -> to keep New England's first Krispy Kreme from opening here in -> 2002, regrouped last month with a late-night reconnaissance -> campaign. So when it was kicked out of New England it went to Connecticut instead? Everyone knows Connecticut's not part of New England, it's part of New York! -> Krispy Kreme, it turned out, was selling its signature glazed -> confections to nearby supermarkets under the cover of night and -> in violation of its town permit. Neighbors caught it all on -> film: the truckers loading up the doughnuts and hauling them -> to nearby grocery stores before dawn. -> -> "They blatantly started selling doughnuts offsite," said Stan -> Sliva, who owns property nearby. "They just figured they're a -> large corporation and could do what they want. So we documented it." OH MY STARS! SOMEWHERE SOME SUPERMARKET IS SELLING THE WRONG BRAND OF DOUGHNUTS! CALL THE CIA AND PRE-EMPT CSI! DISBAND THE PTA! ALERT THE COAST GUARD! SUMMON THE COUNCIL OF BIG BRAINS! ACTIVATE SELF-DESTRUCT TO DESTROY THE EARTH BEFORE ANYONE BUYS A SQUISHY DOUGHNUT AT THE LOCAL SUPERMARKET! I can't wait until these worrywarts discover that the Mohegan Sun casino has something like eight Krispy Kreme stores (but they won't be able to do anything about it, given that since the stores are in Mohegan Sun, each contains at least two black-shirted goons to keep troublemakers where they belong -- on the gaming floor.) -> Now, the doughnut manufacturer wants the town to amend its permits -> to allow such wholesaling. Residents think that if they can cut -> off this revenue stream, the doughnut giant will cut and run. I was going to make some stupid potty-mouth comment about how Krispy Kreme products always make me "cut and run" but I think I'll skip the comments about their farty diarrhetic doughnuts. Instead let's just cut to a wholesome television program from the classic era of black and white. The Addams Family started, when Krispy Kreme farted, they all came out retarded, the Addams Family! -> At a town zoning hearing Wednesday on the proposed permit -> change, Krispy Kreme franchise owner Janice Matthews admitted -> she made a mistake to sell doughnuts wholesale without first -> seeking a change in the town permit issued to the business. Zoning controversy erupts over supermarket doughnut sales! Now the front page won't have any room for today's other important news item, and nobody will ever know that last night George W. Bush got drunk and accidentally married a man! -> "For the past two weeks I've been saying to myself, 'How do I -> come before this board and say we screwed up?"' she told town -> officials. "We screwed up. We did." I'm sorry, but the improperly-nested quote marks bother me much more than any zoning issue ever could. In fact, even if I had to decide between having no porn in town or no White Castles in town, I'd still rather just complain about those "'quotes"'. Also, I wish we had White Castles here. -- K. And the last tape I bought turned out to be sixty minutes of solid blue except for two seconds where the word "REC" appeared in the corner. Too bad I won't be able to try to return it without having my legs snapped. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sorry, this joke might be too obvious even for you people. Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2004 20:00:40 -0500 [news.excite.com] -> -> Navy Sells Itself with Song and Dance Ad -> -> TOKYO (Reuters) - Seven actors dressed as sailors strut across -> the deck of a ship singing "Nippon Seaman Ship, Seaman Ship, For -> Love...For Peace." Hey HEY!!! What's LONG and HARD and FULL of SEAMEN? ...a SUBMARINE, you FAGS!!! I'll be here all week, try the veal! (thunderous applause for me and the veal) -> A revival of the disco group "Village People?" Naah, the Village People aren't that gay, or Japanese (although that's pretty much the same thing these days, thanks to all that anime they watch.) The Village People would never use lyrics even a quarter as gay as "Seaman Ship, Seaman Ship". (In fact, one of them's not even gay! Try to guess which one -- I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.) -> No, a new commercial by Japan's navy aimed at boosting its -> popularity as the military embarks on a risky operation in Iraq -> in which ground troops have grabbed most of the attention. And see, the Village People solved that problem by having the same guy be both the soldier AND the sailor, depending on whether or not they're singing "In The Navy". It's too bad I don't have a time machine, because I can't go back to the late 1970s and make fun of the US Navy for using that song in their TV commercials before someone explained it to the guy who runs the Navy (you know, the Navy's token straight guy.) -> The ad begins with a close-up of the navy's rising sun ensign, -> then shows the singing sailors gyrating. ...and gimbling in the wabe, and the mome raths outgayed? -> "I Love Japan, I Love Peace. The Maritime Self-Defense Force," -> says a voice-over at the end. -> -> A spokesman for the Maritime Self-Defense Force (MSDF), as the -> navy is known, said some feared the ad might seem frivolous, but -> market research converted the naysayers. You gotta love any military force that uses market research to convert naysayers. I suppose it's cheaper than learning how to point guns at people. -> "Awareness of the Self-Defense Forces...is growing along with -> the dispatch to Iraq," said Lieutenant Commander Akira Ohta. -> -> "But how many are actually aware of the MSDF? There are a lot of -> young people and women who don't seem interested," he said, when -> asked to explain the reason for commercial. It will be aired -> from Monday on giant street screens in central Tokyo. But then again, what isn't? -> Army, air force and navy personnel are being dispatched to help -> rebuild Iraq in the Japanese military's biggest and most -> dangerous mission since World War II. Critics say the operation -> violates the nation's pacifist constitution. Aw, let the constitution have its pacifier! -- K. And if Japanese people aren't gay, then what's the deal with Sulu? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I never thought it would come to this Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 00:03:10 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > I'm all in favor of gay people getting married to each other if they > want to, but it kind of grosses me out to see *anybody* marry Rosie > O'Donnell. Okay, fine. As soon as her hot new wife divorces her for someone less irritating, I'm going to marry Rosie just to gross you out until you agree to help me divorce her for someone less irritating, like maybe Carrot Top or Jerry Seinfeld. Then I'll be all upset over choosing someone only marginally less irritating instead of someone I might be able to be around for more than ten seconds without wanting to put my fist through their face whether they're on a TV screen or not, and I'll have to marry you so I can guilt you into helping me to get a divorce from Carrot or Jerry and then I'll thank you by getting a divorce from you once you've gotten me married to Jack Black or, via time machine, Nichelle Nichols circa 1965. So to sum up, I find Rosie obnoxious, but I'm happy that she got married. It's quite a change from her usual ego-centric publicity-whore nature to do something that makes her a bit of a civil-rights pioneer (first celebrity to marry someone of the same gender.) Dammit, and I was just about to propose to Jack Black! Now it hardly matters because it wouldn't make quite as long an article in the National Enquirer. I'd be as non-famous as Buzz Aldrin would be if he was the second guy to get married on the Moon. -- K. Seriously, if that time machine could go anywhere, it would be hard to choose between visiting Nichelle in 1965 and finding Einstein in 1905 so I could yell "BOO!" in his ear right when he's about to get the idea for Relativity. Would I use the time machine for the world's cruelest prank, or waste the opportunity on really hot sex? We'll never know, unless someone invents the time machine just for me. And then if it suddenly gets un- invented, you'll know I chose to pass up a good screw just to ruin Einstein's brain and erase all physics forever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 03:58:49 -0500 I LOVE YOU ALL! ...even those of you who aren't reading this! Though I don't even want you to find that out if you're not reading this, you ungrateful bastards! Oh, let's just pretend I didn't say that. I LOVE YOU ALL! EVEN THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS! -- K. Some people have mood swings, but at the moment, I have a whole mood playground with a jungle gym and monkey bars too and a lot of crappy stuff made from railroad ties and smelly tractor tires! (This article works best if you read it aloud in the voice of the scabrous white-haired guy who runs the porn store. "Dey put dat MSG in dere! You know what MSG stands for? Mudda Fuckin' Garbage! I LOVE YOU ALL!" After all, it's hard to imagine anyone yelling "I LOVE YOU ALL!" without that subtle overtone of sleaze.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 04:07:24 -0500 Ten minutes ago, I wrote: > > I LOVE YOU ALL! EVEN THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS! I'd like to thank all of you who wrote me in the last ten minutes to express concern over my obvious and sudden mental instability. But where was your concern for my sanity BEFORE I started showing any symptoms? Anyway, I'm okay. And I love you all! ESPECIALLY the ungrateful bastards! (Bastards need the most love!) -- K. I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL WITH MY LOVE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 05:15:56 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I LOVE YOU ALL! [...] I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL WITH MY LOVE! > > Stop. That. You're scaring me! My plan is vorking! It is vorking! I veel krush you all with my luf to scare you into luffing me! Krush! Luf! Destroy! Krush! Luf! Destroy! I weel krush you like snuggly bug! > The next thing you know, you'll be advocating group > hugs or something equally as disgusting. I've never had a group hug. Or even a grope hug. However, I disagree with you that hugs in any form can be disgusting. Hugs express simple human compassion. Unless the person hugging you is wearing electrified gloves. And that never happens. So c'mon, let's all hug dogsnus. -- K. It vorks, it vorks! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:21:22 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, even if I don't have the > > foggiest idea about what a "pectroglove" could possibly be. > > In merricker, Pectro is a brand name for a kind of chcemical treatment for > granite to fill in little fissures. That's all I know about this new > troubling thing you mention. Oh, so they'd be gloves that would seal up any cracks you touched. Nothing kinky about that. But do me a favor, before try any preversions with those gloves, could you massage Roy Scheider's face? Last I saw, he had several dozen of the Marianas Trench under his makeup. Some of those crevices threaten to go clear through his face to the other side, which might make his head fall apart, and probably very little candy would come out. -- K. There's still a chance they might put "seaQuest" back on the air if we all write letters to NBC. Be sure to demand the return of the entire original cast, just in case NBC has secretly invented a way of reviving people killed by the deadly curse of "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 14:43:31 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > electrified gloves > > I'm amazed that no Boston band adopted such a name in the late sixties, > they had to resort to perfectly normal names like "Ultimate Spinach" > or "Peanut Butter Conspiracy" instead. > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, even if I don't have the > foggiest idea about what a "pectroglove" could possibly be. I'd go with "Glove Zap". Last night a great band name came to me: "Mayannoise". All the members could dress as Mayans, or if that's too Village People for you, they could just dance inside a big jar of mayonnaise. It's sad that I think up the coolest band names in the world even though I have no musical talent. I should be declared a national resource and there should be a giant lottery to determine who can best benefit from all these band names I think up, inspire, or accidentally blurt out. -- K. Is it possible to blurt in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:39:40 -0500 [concerning rock band names about the electrified gloves I wish I had right now] Scott Burley (scottburley@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, > > > > > > I'd go with "Glove Zap". > > > > Didn't the B-52's sing that? On the Simpsons? > > Glove zap! Baby, glove zap! Oh, now I understand what I said. Gee, I didn't realize I said something vaguely pun-like until you guys dumbed it down for me. Maybe someone else should follow up and explain that "zap" sounds like "slap" and "glove" sounds like "love" so that then I can make a "Yellow Submarine" reference and we can also watch that somehow manage to simultaneously spiral down the drain while going over people's heads. For future reference: EVERYTHING I SAY IS INCREDIBLY CLEVER, UNTIL YOU GUYS TURN IT INTO A DIAGRAM OF EXACTLY WHAT I SAID WHEN I SAID IT. Now stay there a moment while I get my chain-mail gauntlets, a car battery, a soldering iron, and some unbreakable wire available only to NASA. -- K. Today I'm only PRETENDING to be in a vicious mood! That way I can really focus on being very very vicious! Because today, I'm actually quite vivacious! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two things about my afternoon... Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 14:53:44 -0500 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Next, I had to take my broken bundle-buggy to the grocery store (no car, > remember?) and because people around here are so frikken irresponsible, most > of the sidewalks have not been cleared of snow. This makes navigating a > bundle-buggy a wee bit difficult. Oh, is that the new 1903 Daimler Bundle-Buggy with the double rumble seat, linoleum running boards, and extra-greasy crank in the front? Those are so elegant and genteel, once you have your servants squeegee the half-inch-thick layer of soot off you and unbuckle your silly little goggles. > So some guy walked past me and said I should just use the road instead. > What I said? Well I said "If people would just fukken MOW their snow, > I'd be a happier person!" > > Mow their snow. > > I think I need more sleep. Yeah, you don't want to stay up until you yawn your lawn. -- K. Does your bundle-buggy have rubber bundle-buggy bumpers? If so, why don't you use it to bump the bad passersby into the giant snowdrifts you undoubtedly have in Canada? Also, do you ever walk past Tie Domi? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two things about my afternoon... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:32:55 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > First of all, I put a wooden crate in which a bunch of oranges were > > once packaged in into the recycling bin. My downstairs neighbours > > subsequently placed the box in front of my door along with a post-it > > note that said "Not for recycle." WELL THEN FUKKEN THROW IT IN THE > > TRASH YOU FUKKEN IDIOTS!!! > > You don't get it. You're supposed to WASTE YOUR ENTIRE REMAINING LIFE > SORTING *GARBAGE*! Also, they actually want you to *WASH* your garbage > before sorting it or the "recycling" "people" will "have" to throw away the > entire day's catch of GARBAGE, like they don't just take it ALL to the > landfill anyway, after charging the city for special recycling trucks and > special recycling "technicians". > > I secretly want recycling ROOMBAS on all city streets on RECYCLING DAY. I secretly want bloodstains on all city streets on recycling day. Whoops, did I say "secretly"? I meant "openly". And did I say "I want"? I meant "Bert & Ernie want". You know, because they're the Leopold & Loeb of "Sesame Street". And did I say "on recycling day"? I meant "whenever there's nothing good on TV". Also, "Sesame Street" isn't any good any more. Me, I would've just put the crate by the neighbor's door with a second Post-It note below the first, saying, "I tried to recycle this but someone put a Post-It note on it which made it ecologically unfriendly because of the solvent-based synthetic rubber cement on the Post-It, which if recycled would ruin the environment for everyone, even annoying jerk neighbors who stick their Post-It notes on my private garbage! Stop nitpicking my recycling efforts unless you're Captain Planet, in which case, EAT GARBAGE AND DIE, YOU STUPID CARTOON COMMUNIST!" -- K. I don't take no crap, or crates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Essentially, you've got a fart in a tube"! Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 15:20:45 -0500 John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote: > > > > http://www.guardian.co.uk/life/dispatch/story/0,12978,1155988,00.html > > -> > > -> [...] you've got a fart in a tube," says Chris Probert, > > I think Probert is a great surname for a proctologist. > > It's got gravitas. Or something. Jim Henson Presents: The Adventures Of Probert & Amateur Ernie! "Hey, Ernie!" said Probert, "You've gotta fart in a tube!" Okay, someone else can finish this story, I don't think I like it. Just finish it or write "THE END" across it if you don't like it either. -- K. In London, you've gotta fart in The Tube. This is because public transit causes massive gas. And this theory proves that elevators are public transit, and so are public libraries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Essentially, you've got a fart in a tube"! Date: Fri, 27 Feb 2004 23:36:21 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In London, you've gotta fart in The Tube. > > About 15 years ago, I knew a guy, I think his name was Lyle but I'm not too > sure. So anyway, let's call him Lyle for now. Everyone called him "Tuber" > and I didn't know what the reference was. Apparently, "Lyle" liked farting > in public. He was also a sky-diving enthusiast. Two great sentences that go great together! > So, one day, while wearing his parachute-y get-up, he lifted a leg > to fart to impress one of the females. Instead, he shat down his > pant-leg. Hence the name "Tuber." And then, Rod Serling opened the door of the plane and pushed him out, and outside there was nothing but fart vapor. He screamed and screamed but he never reached solid ground. Then Rod Serling got all the chicks. > Teh enb. I was going to say what letter Rod Serling would claim this incident would be filed under in the Twilight Zone, but then I decided he'd be under "Number Two For Two-Ber" and that was just stupid so I turned the TV off but then Rod Serling was still on my screen and he came out and chased me around while saying something about this being a callback to something Leah once said about how great I am at pinball. > ~T (trust me, farting does NOT impress us women. No matter what you think) What about parachute harnesses and helmets and goggles and boots with thick soles? -- K. I'm glad I've never farted. Incidentally, if farts don't impress you female folks, why do you keep changing the subject to them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 01:53:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] I always appreciate attempts to make me fit into normal, > healthy society. No, Stacia's nice, really, she's just pretending > to be maladjusted and unpleasant. Sure. The truth of the matter is > I'm an angry xenophobic bitch with the social skills of a cabbage. > I really wish I was good at something else, but I'm not. The hate's > all there is. I don't dance, folks, this is it. You're learning, but you still need practice. This is how you do it: STACIA Let's pretend! Watch me pretend to be cruel. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA Just sit in this chair and I'll tie you up and pretend I'm mean. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA There, you're all tied up. And I lied. I'm not pretending. I really am the most evil person you'll ever meet. Also, the last person you'll ever meet. Don't go anywhere while I go fetch my chainsaw. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Hey, you tricked me! CURTAINS. -- K. (Been there, done that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:27:53 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > OK, so this has got me thinking...just what is the gayest color? I thought > mauve was pretty gay, but lavender is a tough contender. All the shades of > purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, and plum. > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > And then there's chartreuse, we can't forget chartreuse. And fuchsia. And > turquoise. Pink is somewhat gay, but baby girls have a death-grip on pink, > so they win that battle. > > Hmmm, it seems most of the really gay colors are relatives of the primary > colors. Not too many earth tones. Like khaki. Is there any color less > gay than khaki? Wait, what color is the color of vomit? Vomit is the > least gay thing I can think of. In fact, vomit is the least of anything I > can think of, except for vomit, in which case vomit is the *most*. > > Please excuse me now, I think I just made myself ill. The gayest color is any color that's not black. Because black is the butch one. -- K. Also gay: All iMac, iBook, iPod, and New Beetle colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 14:09:03 -0500 Geoduck (geoduck42@REMOVETHIShotmail.com) wrote: > > Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All the shades of purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, > > and plum. > > Except for "Bruise Purple", which is confident in its heterosexuality. Um... uh... it doesn't work that way. I mean, you can't get bruised straight. Trust me on this, I've done the experiments. > > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > Now I'll never be able to play Clue again without feeling dirty. > Thanks a lot. Think about the phrase "in the library with a candlestick" a few times. And don't even ask what's happening "in the billiard room with rope". -- K. Oddly, the Japanese version of Clue doesn't have a lead pipe, it has shoes. Also, the candlestick is a trunk. Japanese murder games are kinky! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:45:09 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > 50's, right? Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and fell off the planet. > Anyways, I heartily endorse this product, especially on the stupid > low-flow crapper my landlady had installed in my apartment a few > months ago. Uh... Tom... that's your juicer. > Firearms and kitchen utensils should be cleaned after every use, > toilets should not. Even if they're used for the same thing? -- K. And what other '50s invention makes glossy centerfold pages so shiny and stain-resistant? Heflon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 13:48:06 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. > > Sure, but in an infinite Universe, there necessarily must be a planet > consisting of seventeen billion replicas of Kibo strapped with Velcro > to an enormous ball of Wensleydale, and you don't see anyone trying to > synthesize THAT. > > Not outside weapons labs, anyway. Velcro? You could pull free of Velcro if you wanted to. That's why it's no fun. Also, I would definitely call safeword on your planet of cheese. That's definitely outside my limits. If you must torture me, you need to do it in a way which won't make me violently ill so that your imaginary Universe won't get covered in real barf, okay? > Actually in an infinite Universe there must be an infinite number of > such planets. Also an infinite number of planets just like that but > with one of the Kibos replaced with Marilu Henner. Yeah, but how would you tell which one? I'm assuming we'd all be wearing Velcro suits which would make each of us look like Chewbacca after a really bad perm. -- K. Is Marilu really the daughter of Lucille Ball and Marilyn Manson? If not, then why is she named that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 00:54:56 -0500 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > > > 50's, right? > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle > > means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure > > out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize > > our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending > > astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and > > fell off the planet. > > I really, really wish I could fit this