From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 01:53:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] I always appreciate attempts to make me fit into normal, > healthy society. No, Stacia's nice, really, she's just pretending > to be maladjusted and unpleasant. Sure. The truth of the matter is > I'm an angry xenophobic bitch with the social skills of a cabbage. > I really wish I was good at something else, but I'm not. The hate's > all there is. I don't dance, folks, this is it. You're learning, but you still need practice. This is how you do it: STACIA Let's pretend! Watch me pretend to be cruel. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA Just sit in this chair and I'll tie you up and pretend I'm mean. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA There, you're all tied up. And I lied. I'm not pretending. I really am the most evil person you'll ever meet. Also, the last person you'll ever meet. Don't go anywhere while I go fetch my chainsaw. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Hey, you tricked me! CURTAINS. -- K. (Been there, done that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:21:22 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, even if I don't have the > > foggiest idea about what a "pectroglove" could possibly be. > > In merricker, Pectro is a brand name for a kind of chcemical treatment for > granite to fill in little fissures. That's all I know about this new > troubling thing you mention. Oh, so they'd be gloves that would seal up any cracks you touched. Nothing kinky about that. But do me a favor, before try any preversions with those gloves, could you massage Roy Scheider's face? Last I saw, he had several dozen of the Marianas Trench under his makeup. Some of those crevices threaten to go clear through his face to the other side, which might make his head fall apart, and probably very little candy would come out. -- K. There's still a chance they might put "seaQuest" back on the air if we all write letters to NBC. Be sure to demand the return of the entire original cast, just in case NBC has secretly invented a way of reviving people killed by the deadly curse of "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:39:40 -0500 [concerning rock band names about the electrified gloves I wish I had right now] Scott Burley (scottburley@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, > > > > > > I'd go with "Glove Zap". > > > > Didn't the B-52's sing that? On the Simpsons? > > Glove zap! Baby, glove zap! Oh, now I understand what I said. Gee, I didn't realize I said something vaguely pun-like until you guys dumbed it down for me. Maybe someone else should follow up and explain that "zap" sounds like "slap" and "glove" sounds like "love" so that then I can make a "Yellow Submarine" reference and we can also watch that somehow manage to simultaneously spiral down the drain while going over people's heads. For future reference: EVERYTHING I SAY IS INCREDIBLY CLEVER, UNTIL YOU GUYS TURN IT INTO A DIAGRAM OF EXACTLY WHAT I SAID WHEN I SAID IT. Now stay there a moment while I get my chain-mail gauntlets, a car battery, a soldering iron, and some unbreakable wire available only to NASA. -- K. Today I'm only PRETENDING to be in a vicious mood! That way I can really focus on being very very vicious! Because today, I'm actually quite vivacious! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two things about my afternoon... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:32:55 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > First of all, I put a wooden crate in which a bunch of oranges were > > once packaged in into the recycling bin. My downstairs neighbours > > subsequently placed the box in front of my door along with a post-it > > note that said "Not for recycle." WELL THEN FUKKEN THROW IT IN THE > > TRASH YOU FUKKEN IDIOTS!!! > > You don't get it. You're supposed to WASTE YOUR ENTIRE REMAINING LIFE > SORTING *GARBAGE*! Also, they actually want you to *WASH* your garbage > before sorting it or the "recycling" "people" will "have" to throw away the > entire day's catch of GARBAGE, like they don't just take it ALL to the > landfill anyway, after charging the city for special recycling trucks and > special recycling "technicians". > > I secretly want recycling ROOMBAS on all city streets on RECYCLING DAY. I secretly want bloodstains on all city streets on recycling day. Whoops, did I say "secretly"? I meant "openly". And did I say "I want"? I meant "Bert & Ernie want". You know, because they're the Leopold & Loeb of "Sesame Street". And did I say "on recycling day"? I meant "whenever there's nothing good on TV". Also, "Sesame Street" isn't any good any more. Me, I would've just put the crate by the neighbor's door with a second Post-It note below the first, saying, "I tried to recycle this but someone put a Post-It note on it which made it ecologically unfriendly because of the solvent-based synthetic rubber cement on the Post-It, which if recycled would ruin the environment for everyone, even annoying jerk neighbors who stick their Post-It notes on my private garbage! Stop nitpicking my recycling efforts unless you're Captain Planet, in which case, EAT GARBAGE AND DIE, YOU STUPID CARTOON COMMUNIST!" -- K. I don't take no crap, or crates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:27:53 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > OK, so this has got me thinking...just what is the gayest color? I thought > mauve was pretty gay, but lavender is a tough contender. All the shades of > purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, and plum. > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > And then there's chartreuse, we can't forget chartreuse. And fuchsia. And > turquoise. Pink is somewhat gay, but baby girls have a death-grip on pink, > so they win that battle. > > Hmmm, it seems most of the really gay colors are relatives of the primary > colors. Not too many earth tones. Like khaki. Is there any color less > gay than khaki? Wait, what color is the color of vomit? Vomit is the > least gay thing I can think of. In fact, vomit is the least of anything I > can think of, except for vomit, in which case vomit is the *most*. > > Please excuse me now, I think I just made myself ill. The gayest color is any color that's not black. Because black is the butch one. -- K. Also gay: All iMac, iBook, iPod, and New Beetle colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 14:09:03 -0500 Geoduck (geoduck42@REMOVETHIShotmail.com) wrote: > > Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All the shades of purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, > > and plum. > > Except for "Bruise Purple", which is confident in its heterosexuality. Um... uh... it doesn't work that way. I mean, you can't get bruised straight. Trust me on this, I've done the experiments. > > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > Now I'll never be able to play Clue again without feeling dirty. > Thanks a lot. Think about the phrase "in the library with a candlestick" a few times. And don't even ask what's happening "in the billiard room with rope". -- K. Oddly, the Japanese version of Clue doesn't have a lead pipe, it has shoes. Also, the candlestick is a trunk. Japanese murder games are kinky! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:45:09 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > 50's, right? Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and fell off the planet. > Anyways, I heartily endorse this product, especially on the stupid > low-flow crapper my landlady had installed in my apartment a few > months ago. Uh... Tom... that's your juicer. > Firearms and kitchen utensils should be cleaned after every use, > toilets should not. Even if they're used for the same thing? -- K. And what other '50s invention makes glossy centerfold pages so shiny and stain-resistant? Heflon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 13:48:06 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. > > Sure, but in an infinite Universe, there necessarily must be a planet > consisting of seventeen billion replicas of Kibo strapped with Velcro > to an enormous ball of Wensleydale, and you don't see anyone trying to > synthesize THAT. > > Not outside weapons labs, anyway. Velcro? You could pull free of Velcro if you wanted to. That's why it's no fun. Also, I would definitely call safeword on your planet of cheese. That's definitely outside my limits. If you must torture me, you need to do it in a way which won't make me violently ill so that your imaginary Universe won't get covered in real barf, okay? > Actually in an infinite Universe there must be an infinite number of > such planets. Also an infinite number of planets just like that but > with one of the Kibos replaced with Marilu Henner. Yeah, but how would you tell which one? I'm assuming we'd all be wearing Velcro suits which would make each of us look like Chewbacca after a really bad perm. -- K. Is Marilu really the daughter of Lucille Ball and Marilyn Manson? If not, then why is she named that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 00:54:56 -0500 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > > > 50's, right? > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle > > means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure > > out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize > > our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending > > astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and > > fell off the planet. > > I really, really wish I could fit this paragraph into a .sig. (Beable will > now follow up with some smart-ass post fitting this paragraph into a .sig.) Okay, let's .sig it down to size: Teflon pans make eggs fried in lard taste slimy, so let's send all the Teflon into outer space to coat the planet Pluto with it, because it would be funny to watch the silly astronauts try to land but fall off the planet of Teflon. This fourth line serves no purpose except to fill up this .signature. The End. > > > Firearms and kitchen utensils should be cleaned after every use, > > > toilets should not. > > > > Even if they're used for the same thing? > > Now Kibo made me imagine someone getting shot in the face while cleaning > their toilet because they didn't know it was loaded. I don't know exactly > how that could work, but from his most recent posts I conclude Kibo's > current hobby is creating some kind of disgusting new superweapon to which > chainmail is impervious. I suggest you all stock up on adhesive medical > strips and antiseptic. If you don't have any Adhesive Medical Strips Brand Fake Band-Aids, you can just use duct tape. (It tapes three rolls of duct tape to cover a person sufficiently. You can cover a person with two but that won't express as much love.) If you don't have any antiseptic, you can use Moxie. Moxie not only kills germs, it kills anyone or anything who kills germs. (Never clean your toilet with Moxie because Moxie releases chlorine gas whenever it's not mixed with ammonia and bleach.) If you don't have any medieval armor, you're just plain screwed. The line of people who are screwed forms up against the wall. The splatter wall. -- K. (evil chaotic, and also, I can make my own scenarios) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What I did today. Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:55:03 -0500 I went to Pemaquid Point (Maine) and ran across the rocky cliffs and I punched a Gorn and then I punched Lazarus and then I punched the other Lazarus and then I punched Finnegan and then I yelled "MIRAMANEE! I AM KIROK!" but then Bill & Ted threw me off the cliffs and I died, the end, except for all the parts that were lies because nothing really significant happened when I ran around on those rocky cliffs at Pemaquid Point today except that I discovered they're even more fun to clamber over when you're a grown-up and have really good boots for rock-clambering. Also, it's strange to go to those little towns in Maine that are frozen in time and see that all the stores I haven't been to in 25 years are still in business. I think some of the laundry in Damariscotta's Coin-O-Matic laundrette has been going around for 25 years. The Lincoln Theater across the street is still just as small, and still doesn't have a plaque commemorating President Ford getting shot. So, anyway, if you haven't visited Maine in a few decades, don't bother, it's still there. But otherwise I do love running across those rocks at Pemaquid Point. The ones which hold the tiny little lighthouse far above the deadly crashing surf that I have no fear of whatsoever. -- K. There was only a little ice all over them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DC ARKPLE Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:59:48 -0500 E Teflon Piano (ETP@the-institute.firm) wrote: > > Rhode Island's only good at keeping Connecticut from being the same > size as Massachusetts. Rhode Island's good for giving Kibo brain damage, though. Assuming you count Jake's car door as part of Rhode Island even though it sometimes leaves the state (along with the rest of the car.) -- K. Also, Rhode Island's good for giving Kibo brain damage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 14:20:58 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu): > > > > Florida is, sadly, Not The Place For It. > > I believe that Florida is not the place for anything but theme > parks, orange juice and marine mammals. > > I was going to add "space travel", but I shouldn't think many of > our readers will admit to being old enough to remember when > people used to go to the moon. Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept accidentally going into _outer space_. Sheesh. How could you folks forget the glory that was "seaQuest"? It was on the air practically forever. In fact, it was such a long-lived fixture of television that it aired under at least three different titles. You people need to brush up on your television viewing habits. Just for that, I'm not even going to mention the episode where they all sat on the floor drinking orange juice and crying because nobody watched their show when it was on thirty or forty years ago. But I did I like the Atari 2600 video game based on it in the 1980s (some time around the thirty-second season.) -- K. Good thing the movie comes out next fall to remind people about that classic show starring Roy Scheider, Dame Judi Dench, Anson Williams, and the Hilton sisters. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:02:44 -0500 Jim Vandewalker (jvandewalker@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who > > remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in > > _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept > > accidentally going into _outer space_. > > And -- AND -- one episode was filmed in MY hometown! We STILL thrill to > the sight of giant robot monsters rearing high above the stately Frank > Lloyd Wright acrchitecture of Florida Southern College > http://www.flsouthern.edu/map/ps-polkscience/polkscience.htm I'm glad they rebuilt it after the robots destroyed it. That show had something of a shoestring budget and couldn't afford special effects, so they just used real robots to smash the building. That's why every episode ended with J.G. Ballard explaining that everything on the show was real. It was the low budget that accidentally made it turn out educational. I hear that originally, the reason they hired J.G. Ballard was that they just wanted to get rights to film his novel "Naked Lunch" as an episode, but they couldn't get Roy Scheider to be in it, so they had to settle for that black guy with all the wrinkles. -- K. Are they ever going to re-issue the original "seaQuest" soundtrack album? My LP is darn near worn-out. I can't believe they got Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass to play that music underwater! Wouldn't the brass rust? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 14:52:02 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who > > remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in > > _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept > > accidentally going into _outer space_. > > I don't remember Seaquest, Geez, you people are so young. You don't even remember the color re-make? The one where NBC had to spell it "seaQuest" with a lowercase "s" to make it legally distinct from the good one? I understand why the black and white one flopped back on the old Dumont network, since those 3-D glasses were such a pain to wear. And you had to send in so many Kellogg's Pep box-tops to get them. But when they dropped the gimmick and just did it in straight black and white it was a fine show. Filled up the screen of a Philco Predicta so nicely. (Philco paid them to make the submarine that shape so that the show wouldn't work on other brands of TV.) I didn't like those couple seasons where they changed the title to "SeaHunt". Just because they fired Robert Stack and replaced him with Lloyd Bridger as Captain Nathan Bridges was no excuse to go messing with the title. "Hunt", "Quest", little "s", Roy Scheider with a big "S", it's all the same to me. > but I do remember some show that had astronauts that got sent back > into time to the caveman days. > Something like "It's About Time". Or something. "It's About Time Or Something" was the first show to save money by combining a time-travel science-fiction sitcom with the innovative interactivity of "Winky Dink And You". They cut costs by only writing the first half of the episode. Then, Imogene Coca would turn to the camera and bellow, "We've just travelled in time... OR SOMETHING! Hey kids, get out your crayons and draw what happens next!" I always had trouble deciding whether to send in my Kellogg's Pep box-tops to get the "seaQuest" goggles or the "It's About Time Or Something" protective plastic tarp that covered the back and sides of the TV set so that when you drew on the screen you wouldn't get marks on the woodgrain cabinet. > I can remember the song. "It's about time, it's about space, > it's about time to slap your face"... > That was OUR rendition of it, anyway. (My other 5 siblings and I never > were much of a threat to the Jackson 5 nor to the Osmond's.) I bet you don't even remember before the Jackson 5 and the Osmonds split into two separate families. (Glenn from the Village People was their daddy!) -- K. Sadly, I do actually own "Winky Dink And You" DVDs, but it's just not the same without the special indelible crayon you were supposed to use whenever Winky sailed his boat off the screen and onto the wall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 01:07:30 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > On some level, *every* thread on ARK is about masturbation. > > And masturbation is always about ARK. And alt.religion.kibology is all about me, me, me, me, me, so all masturbation is about me. That's a great honor even though it's also completely disgusting, you perverts. > This post is all about breaking the code. I break the code with my mind, not my hands. -- K. If my brain's abilities to control my nervous system get any more powerful, soon I'll be able to project pictures onto TV screens just by daydreaming. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Any Hubble photos of the Earth? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 04:02:13 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Does anyone know if the Hubble Space Telescope took any photos of the Earth > as I want to get one of Australia and say "I can see my house from here!" No. You see, the glare from the Earth makes it hard to see the stars, so the Hubble Space Telescope always stays on the far side of the Earth where it can't see the Earth. This is known as the Lamaze Point. It has something to do with calibrating the telescope by pointing it at a mobile of black and white cartoon faces. The mobile was designed by Carl Sagan and carries a message of peace and the flags of all nations. The message of peace is designed to fool the Martians into not noticing that the people on Earth could just point a flashlight upwards and shine it through the back end of the Hubble to make a giant laser beam come out the front end because that's what happens when you use a telescope the wrong way, which is why you should never look at the Sun through a telescope. Always stare directly at the Sun with your naked eye. That's what the Hubble is. It's the world's largest naked eye. -- K. I can't wait until they launch the new Jack Webb space telescope. The only problem is that in all its photos, the names of the stars will be changed to protect the innocent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Confessions Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:15:19 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I've told the world about my weird body chemistry and how > it reactes strangly with most medicines, so why not ask > why I kill watches and why my skin sometimes turns grey > when it comes into contact with gold? I can tell you precisely _how_ those phenomena occur. As to _why_, all I know is that scientists have proven that the Universe was specifically designed to make trouble. > Watches: I've got Seiko, Armitron,Timex and Rumors brands, > several of each, all in the jewelry box that don't work. > Some run on batteries, some are wind ups. > Oh, they'll work for awhile, but despite rewinding, > new batteries, or a trip to the jewelers for cleaning, > they all eventually stop working again. > I'm quite used to being watchless, and the one that lasted > the longest was my Timex Expedition. I think it ran for > at least 2 years. It's called sadomagnetism, baby, learn to enjoy it and then you'll be able to think up ways to make money by degaussing other people's blurry TV screens with your fingertips. What's a "Rumors" watch? I've never heard of that brand. Sounds pretty gay. Is it one of those watches that makes you gay if you wear it, like a Pulsar? Oh, great, now look what you did, you've gotten the Pulsar theme song running through my head: "MOOP murp. MOOP murp. MOOP murp." Damn you, Pulsar, and the way you oversimplified disco! > Gold: Every once in awhile my skin turns grey wherever > it comes into contact with gold. My wedding ring, earrings, > necklaces, etc. > There is no rhythm nor pattern to this, and sometimes I go > for years without it happening.When it does happen, a simple > application of lotion supplied from the jewelers keeps it > at bay for awhile, and then the greyness goes away again. That's because you're not using real gold, but an alloy with a bunch of copper and stuff in it. If you kept going, you'd get past the gray and into a nice moldy shade of green. Your jewelry is trying to turn you into Margaret Hamilton. If that happens, be very careful never to say "Sock it to me!" > Fess' up and don't spare my feelings. > I'm really an alien, aren't I? Actually, you're the only one here who isn't. John Glenn gave us all the idea of putting on people masks to play with your mind. -- K. (don't ask where the zippers are) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Confessions Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 18:58:23 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, great, now look what you did, you've gotten the Pulsar theme > > song running through my head: "MOOP murp. MOOP murp. MOOP murp." > > Damn you, Pulsar, and the way you oversimplified disco! > > I humbly beg your forgiveness for not forcing Bee Gee tunes > into your branz. That is NOT how one should beg for forgiveness. Now beg forgiveness for begging forgiveness so poorly. If you don't shape up, you're going to be wearing a pair of headphones playing "Mahna Mahna" over and over until morning. > > [on "gold" jewelry causing skin discoloration] > > > > That's because you're not using real gold, but an alloy with > > a bunch of copper and stuff in it. > > Speculate, please. Which alloy is doing this? All of them. I'm not speculating. Your jewlery isn't going to be 24-karat (pure) gold because it would be expensive and soft as taffy. All other alloys of whatever purity (14-karat, 18-karat, etc.) are going to be gold mixed with some sort of cheaper, harder yellow metal. I.e. brass/bronze. I.e. copper mixed with white metal (perhaps silver.) Copper oxidizes when exposed to things such as salt plus water and makes greenish-gray schmutz on your skin. If it's relatively cheap jewelry, such as "gold-filled" stuff, then it'll be almost entirely brass. "Gold-filled" means brass with a very thin coating of 14-karat gold alloy, somewhere under 5% gold by weight; "Gold-plated" means somewhere well under 1% gold by weight. If your jewelry is a very rich yellow gold color, it's either gold-plated or real 24-karat (doubtful.) If it's a paler yellow color, then it could be solid 14-karat, or 14-karat gold-filled, or 14-karat gold-plated, or some no-gold-at-all alloy (like Herculoy bronze, which looks remarkably like 14-karat gold.) Often the texture will tell you whether it's -plated, -filled, or -karat (gold-plated stuff can't be highly polished and sometimes shows a slightly textured surface.) When you've seen these metals side-by-side in the workshop you learn to tell them apart easily (and there are special testing tools that will let you determine the exact purity of a specimen.) Some people get the green stuff on their skin some of the time, and some get it all the time, and some never get it. I'm not sure what details of body chemistry regulate this. Gold is at the head of the electromotive series of metals so it's not going to corrode just because it touches something, but copper goes green easily. If your jewelry is making colors on you, it can't be pure gold, and copper's the culprit here normally. For more fun, ask what pure aluminum does when it touches skin. (Most of the "aluminum" stuff in your home, such as the kitchen foil, is an aluminum-manganese alloy that keeps it from doing that, sort of the aluminum equivalent of stainless steel.) > > Actually, you're the only one here who isn't [an alien]. John Glenn > > gave us all the idea of putting on people masks to play with your mind. > > > > (don't ask where the zippers are) > > You've all been very helpful and am I ever relieved to find out > I'm not an alien! > Combining all responses,I'm merely a weird, electronically charged, > acid skinned, revjacking mother-in-law zombie without crotch crop circles, > who should be ingesting colloidol silver while lobbying for mass transit > with, if google is to be believed, has tendencies towards sado > maso sex,sado maschocism or sex slave fantasies. I'LL BE OVER AT MIDNIGHT!!! > Nothing special, at least on this group. > > I'll sleep better at night now, thanks. For more fun, ask where the zippers are. -- K. "Collo-idol silver" is a thing that looks like it wants to be a new meme but is doomed to failure. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fake butter, real butter, they're different but I love them equally. Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:47:06 -0500 [CNN.com:] -> -> Lawsuit: Fake popcorn butter caused disease -> -> JOPLIN, Missouri (AP) -- A jury was selected Monday to hear the -> claim of an ailing factory worker who says his rare lung disease -> was caused by the artificial butter vapors at a microwave -> popcorn plant. Oh, a jury was selected! That doesn't happen every day! And gosh, reading about jury duty is almost as exciting as being a part of it! -> A panel of 12 and four alternates was chosen. At last I can relax now that I've found out how many alternate jurors have been chosen for this lawsuit about yellow vapor! -> Opening statements were set for Tuesday; lawyers for both sides -> agreed not to speak to the media until the trial is over. If only the media would agree not to speak to us until something happened. -> Eric Peoples, 31, who is awaiting a lung transplant, is one of -> 30 former workers at the Gilster-Mary Lee Corp. plant in Jasper -> suing two makers of artificial butter flavoring. He was selected -> to have his case heard first because he is among the sickest. Yeah, but any time people are lining up in order of "biggest sicko first", I get cutsies. -> Peoples is seeking unspecified damages from International -> Flavors and Fragrances Inc. and a subsidiary. Gilster-Mary Lee -> is not a defendant; its Jasper plant employs about 130 people. -> -> The trial is considered a landmark legal battle aimed at linking -> bronchiolitis obliterans, also known as popcorn packers' lung, (a rare variant of fudge packers'... oh, never mind, too easy.) -> to vapors from butter flavorings in the popcorn mixing room at -> the plant. The disease restricts and obstructs the functioning -> of the lungs. I always enjoy seeing the Harlem Globetrotters put someone in the popcorn mixing room. Especially if they're a mime so they can be in a glass box in the popcorn mixing room so we can watch the box fill up with bright yellow vapors (some of which come from the popcorn.) -> The suit alleges the manufacturers knew, or should have known, -> the butter flavorings were hazardous and that they failed to -> warn workers of the dangers or to give instructions on safe use -> of the product. -> -> The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health has -> said it suspects exposure to a chemical in butter flavoring, -> diacetyl, caused the health problems. Diacetyl! That's made from a mixture of two deadly acids: acetic acid and more acetic acid! I'm sure glad they don't put stuff like that in my food. I bet Tabasco would taste terrible if they put lots of acetic acid in it. -> Health officials have said there is no danger to people who -> microwave the popcorn and eat it at home. Uh oh! I took some to the office! Dear CNN, am I going to die? "You have two hours to live. Details on tomorrow's newscast." -- K. I miss the original Jiffy Pop. It was the best technology we ever got from space aliens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Musical Instrument Question Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 16:05:23 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anyone who saw the Oscars: > > What instrument was Sting playing? In some cases, it's called a hurdy-gurdy. But in the case of the songs from this year's Oscars, the only instruments involved were the annoyium, the lame-o-tron, the butt harp, the dorkula, the ear-assassin, and the nancywalker. Also, in December 2003, he admitted he lied about the eight-hour tantric sex in order to impress a drunken Bob Geldof (who, incidentally, I still keep thinking is a sportscaster, possibly Joe Garagiola.) Sting has explained, "What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." So now he's claiming he had sex for four hours. I still think he's lying about the duration. Without lying about the duration, I've gone a lot longer than that, but only if you allow me to lie about the definition of "sex". -- K. I heard that song from "Lord Of The Rings" and thought, "Man, this is awful." Then I heard the other songs and thought, "That song from 'Lord Of The Rings' sure deserves to win." Suddenly I feel much more comfortable expressing my views that music in general is evil, given how dreadful the songs at the Oscars were. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Musical Instrument Question Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:55:51 -0500 [with concern for the badness of translation from the machines of words] Garry Gnu (nognewsisgoodgnews@garryg.nu) wrote: > > I really, really wish i could take Altavista, Babelfish and the people who > even dreamed that an automated translator was a good idea and feed them to > Kibo. Why? Do you think the people are made of glue? If not, I'll have to get a new T-shirt that says "I EAT PEOPLE". Hmm, come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea, especially if I had a photo of me sticking a fork into someone's head. Hey, Bob Hope can't sue if he's dead, right? > Computers cannot discern context, cannot accept slang, and basically > suck at anything over a few words. I've always hated the idea that some words are "slang" and some are "real words". To me, all words are slang. Even nonsense words. They're slang without even being words! I'd offer to demonstrate that I can speak fluently entirely in nonsense words, but I'm not sure anyone here would be willing to volunteer to do what it would take to induce glossolalia in me. (You'd probably want to stop before I did, even though you wouldn't be the one on the business end of whatever tool you were using.) -- K. Has anyone seen that new Mel Gibson movie with the light torture? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A modern medical miracle. Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 16:30:55 -0500 [via www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, an abstract] -> -> Indian J Chest Dis Allied Sci. 2004 Jan-Mar;46(1):55-8 -> -> A 27-year-old lady presented with persistent cough, sputum and -> fever for the preceding six months. Inspite of trials with -> antibiotics and anti-tuberculosis treatment for the preceeding -> four months, her symptoms did not improve. A subsequent chest -> radiograph showed non-homogeneous collapse-consolidation of -> right upper lobe. Videobronchoscopy revealed an inverted bag -> like structure in right upper lobe bronchus and rigid -> bronchoscopic removal with biopsy forceps confirmed the presence -> of a condom. Detailed retrospective history also confirmed -> accidental inhalation of the condom during fellatio. Is the treatment different for intentional inhalation? I need to know for my friend Gaspy McGulper. In any case, now we know that those latex balloons they have over the cash registers at Trader Joe's are lying about being "100% biodegradable". (Really, Trader Joe's has balloons that have text bragging about how biodegradable the balloons are. I guess that's as opposed to those indestructible balloons you get for free everywhere else.) -- K. I want to know more about the "detailed retrospective history". "Here's what we took out of you, now, although there's only one way it could have gotten there, tell me the whole story just so I can tease the Indian J Chest Dis Allied Sci by withholding the details." Also, retrospective histories are better than the kind from the future. (In future, condom inhales YOU!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Worst definition of "computer" ever! Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:02:46 -0500 [an article from news.com.com two weeks ago] -> -> A small team of developers in Rwanda was just beginning work on -> a project to produce a localized version of OpenOffice, an -> open-source alternative to Microsoft's market-leading -> productivity software, when they realized they had a problem. -> -> Kinyarwanda, the language spoken by most Rwandans, has no words -> for many basic technical and computing terms, including the very -> word "computer," explained Steve Murphy, organizer of the -> project. After debating whether to borrow English or French terms -> or come up with their own native word, the group settled on -> "mudasobwa," which roughly translates to "something or someone -> that does not make mistakes." Why would they even consider borrowing a French term? The French language doesn't even have a word for "le computer", just a word for some other thing called "le ordinateur"! Anyway, the idea that a computer is a thing or person which is never wrong is an idea which is so wrong that it's whatever the opposite of a mudasobwa is. I'm going to coin a new Kinyarwandan word for someone or something that's always wrong: shazboza. I hereby urge all good people to use the terms "mudasobwa" and "shazboza" in conversation at least once per sentence. -- K. Oh great, now we're all going to be getting even more "4-1-9" spam from Rwanda now that they have computers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Worst definition of "computer" ever! Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:14:56 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh great, now we're all going to be > > getting even more "4-1-9" spam from > > Rwanda now that they have computers. > > they don't have the numbers 4, 1, or 9 in Rwanda. They do have splee, > gzunt, and saeoro, which serve the same purpose but are drawn differently. That's right, they use a modified version of Base 12 that has the numbers dek and el and splee, gzunt, saeoro, and wox but no numbers which are squares, primes, or even numbers. So it's not really Base 12. It's Base Florp. Also, they don't have long division, they have guzinta. It's not just New Math. It's New And Horribly Different Math. It's A Whole New Way Of Being Wrong. -- K. My head hurts, and not just from thinking up new ways to make other people's heads hurt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Stop that man! He has my mustache!" Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:11:09 -0500 [from www.DaytonDailyNews.com:] -> -> Moustache lawsuit comes up short -> -> Action against dentist filed too late -> -> Cox News Service -> -> MIDDLETOWN | A Hamilton man who said part of his moustache -> disappeared while he was having a tooth pulled will not be -> allowed to sue his dentist. -> -> The 12th District Court of Appeals has affirmed a Butler County -> Common Pleas Court decision to dismiss the lawsuit because it -> was not filed within the legal time limit. [...] -> -> The dentist said the procedure was performed without -> complications or problems, according to court records. But when -> Leffler returned to his pickup truck in the parking lot, he -> looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed a dime-sized portion -> of his moustache missing, court records said. -> -> Leffler claimed the missing hairs did not grow back and that he -> was subjected to "ridicule from friends, associates, relatives, -> customers and strangers," court records said. [...] -> -> The appeals court found no merit to Leffler's argument that the -> portion of the moustache disappeared while he was in the dental -> office, but not during the time of the operation. Once again, a news article fails to answer the most important questions. Such as, why did this boob hang around the dentist's office after the operation for long enough that the invisible space aliens had time to give him electrolysis, which takes a while because it goes hair by hair? And what is this ridicule he received from strangers -- was it "Hey, your mustache has a bald spot!" or was it "Hey, you're nuts!"? And why didn't he just try shaving off the rest of his mustache? The reporter gave us some very important information -- such as the fact that this guy drives a pickup truck -- but omitted all the other crucial details that would allow us to puzzle out what was going on inside this crazy guy's tiny little mind. -- K. He could just have tried covering it up by gluing a dime to the spot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, Mickey Mouse is INTO IT! Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 16:54:35 -0500 Disney World sort of almost got a clue that maybe a statue of Mickey Mouse as a leatherman might not be the most appropriate image for the overrated asexual rodent. They're taking out the Leather Mickey statue because it, uh, reminds people that Janet Jackson has breasts, or something. See the photo here: http://www.wftv.com/print/2892264/detail.html Or read the text without looking at the photo of Sadomickey: -> -> Disney Removes Statue Inspired By Janet Jackson -> -> ORLANDO, Fla. -- The Walt Disney Co. has quietly shelved a -> life-size statue of Mickey Mouse inspired by singer Janet -> Jackson, who was roundly criticized for a risque Super Bowl -> halftime performance. Hey, a news article written by "Mad Libs"! _________ writers like to use _________ adjectives before every (ADJ) (ADJ) _________ noun in each _________ sentence of their _________ articles. (ADJ) (ADJ) (ADJ) -> The 6-foot, 700-pound statue was one of 75 unveiled at Walt -> Disney World in Orlando last fall to celebrate the 75th birthday -> of Mickey Mouse (Photos from 75th celebration). The statues were -> inspired by celebrities such as tennis star Andre Agassi, -> actress Jamie Lee Curtis and comedian Ellen DeGeneres. Mickey is a lesbian? With an extra Y chromosome? Oh dear. I wonder who Minnie is dressed like. Andy Dick without his Y? From Disney's new Tribute To Animatronic Vaudeville starring Dead Abbott as Andy Dick Without A Y and Dead Costello as Costello Before He Died: "Hello there, And Dick." "Who?" "And Dick." "Who and Dick?" "No, you're And Dick." "Huh?" "You're And Dick." "Whaaa?" "I SAID, YOU'RE AND DICK!" "I don't get it." "YOU'RE AND DICK! YOU'RE AND DICK!" "When is this supposed to get funny? We're just irritating!" "YOU'RE AND DICK!!! YOU'RE AND DICK!!! YOU'RE AND DICK!!!" "Oh, hell with it, c'mere you..." (Abbott & Costello kiss. The End.) -> The Jackson statue used a tight black outfit Jackson wore in -> 1990 after the release of her album, Rhythm Nation 1814. It was -> replaced by a spare statue designed by Luis Fernandez, an -> in-house Disney artist. -> -> The statues this week were shipped to a convention center in -> downtown Philadelphia, where they will greet investors at -> Wednesday's annual shareholder meeting. YAY WE INVESTED IN A COMPANY THAT FETISHIZES MICE FROM GREAT-GRANDPA'S DAY! -> "Considering all the controversy it drew, we talked it over for -> a couple of days and decided it would be best to replace hers -> with a new one," Gary Foster, a Disney spokesman said. -> -> Foster didn't immediately return a phone call to The Associated -> Press. -> -> Jackson's bump-and-grind performance with singer Justin -> Timberlake during last month's Super Bowl was capped by -> Timberlake ripping a piece of clothing off to reveal her breast -> clad only in a "nipple shield." Ripping, carefully unsnapping, what's the difference? All that's important is that two untalented people got to pretend to be sexy for a tenth of a second. And now they're not allowed to be Mickey Mouse! Ooh, burn. -- K. I think that mice dressed like that would hang out at a bar called something like "The Trap". Hey, didn't Monty Python already make fun of this about 35 years ago? Those bastards! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pants in the news Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 19:01:13 -0500 Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote: > > http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,474800,00.html > -> > -> In the end it was an open and shut case. Andrew Chatfield, > -> 45, a police custody sergeant, was yesterday found guilty of > -> indecently exposing himself to elderly women at a residential > -> care home, after a two day trial that heard from two master > -> tailors about the efficiency of Marks & Spencer's zips. > -> > -> Magistrates at Maidstone, Kent, heard that while visiting > -> his father at the Old Downs residential home in Hartley, > -> Kent, Chatfield, 45, was captured on a concealed camera > -> turning to face the women, one of whom was 93, with his > -> genitals on show. I think if I was 93 I would have said, "I don't care if he exposed his stupid little weenie to me, I'm not going to waste my last moments on Earth in court for any reason." > -> Chatfield, of Sevenoaks, claimed that his zip had failed but > -> he was unable to spot the exposure over his stomach - he was > -> 21 stone at the time of the incident last March. This suggests the reporter knows something they're not telling us. I.e. just how obese is he NOW? > -> Earlier master tailor John Hawksley told the court that it > -> was possible for the zip on the Chatfield's M&S cords to > -> disengage leaving the wearer uncovered and unawares. Many > -> overweight customers returned similar zips to his shop. > -> > -> But Barbara Kilbourne, a uniform fitter with Kent police, > -> said it was highly unlikely a zip could open without help. > -> "They are a locking zip. They would not even come down if > -> you had not fastened the button." Those are MrS trousers, not M&S trousers. Big difference there. The ones from Mr. S are much more upscale compared to Marks & Spencer. M&S don't include the ten little keyed-alike padlocks you need to keep everything locked down tight. Also, in England, in March, I seriously doubt you could be out and about hanging out while remaining unaware that your willy is chilly. And even if you were, you'd be so cold that nobody would notice the twenty-one-stone man's one-centimeter shrinky dink. > -> Chatfield was caught by a police surveillance operation > -> after the home's owner warned him about his behaviour. So where was the camera hidden? And how much do I have to pay not to see the video? -- K. Otherwise, I have no comment. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Or. Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 19:43:31 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > > > PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!! > > > Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which > > > help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue. > > > > HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hahahahahahahahaha. > > Corn has a lot of phenylalanine and tyrosine in it, which might, if you ate > about twelve bowls, tweak your dopamine levels. You could try just the pure > amino acids themselves and see. Phenylalanine has a nice caffeine-like > lifting effect that I used to really like. What do you call a butch guy who feels like he has PMS? That's not a riddle, that's a serious medical question so I'll know what sort of corn flakes to ask the dietary experts at Trader Joe's for. Oh, and since I don't put milk on my cereal, I can go through twelve bowls. Unless it's Trix-flavored, in which case my stomach hurts after a couple. I don't know why, but the coloring or flavoring of Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc. bothers my stomach in a mildly annoying way. -- K. Incidentally, Trader Joe's now sells those "Amy's" cheeseless pizzas I like in the same boxes except marked "Trader Giotto's" or something. They're cheaper at Trader Joe's, which confirms my suspicions that they sell only factory-reject food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I used to just think flash mobs were dopey... and now... Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 15:40:12 -0500 [from boston.com, aka the Boston Globe] -> -> City's flash mob lacks flash, mob -> 3/3/2004 Well, at least we still have the city. Except for the part of it that's been removed so they can put in the Big Dig. But there's still a little bit left. -> It wasn't exactly like the scene in Australia when hundreds -> materialized at the Sydney Opera House, singing "Row, Row, Row -> Your Boat," or in New York, when a crowd appeared as if out of -> thin air to ogle an Oriental rug at Macy's. -> -> When the city of Boston tried to stage one of those trendy, -> ultrawired flash mobs yesterday, they didn't get a lot in the -> way of flash or mob. -> -> Some innovative event planners at City Hall had heard about the -> flash mob phenomenon of last summer, when young techno-crowds -> zipped off e-mails and cellphone messages to organize random -> gatherings of counterculture Net-heads. The planners figured -> they could get the same kind of buzz for Mayor Thomas M. -> Menino's ReadBoston youth literacy initiative. -> -> But at the appointed time, 11:30 a.m., the only people who -> appeared at Downtown Crossing were 15 ReadBoston workers. They -> made the best of it, donning red-and-white-striped hats, handing -> out bookmarks and reading Dr. Seuss books from atop a milk -> crate, for 90 minutes. They slapped red stickers on passersby, -> declaring, "It's Dr. Seuss's 100th birthday!" Many shot back -> confused stares, and more than a few replied, "Dr. who?" And if I were there, I wouldn't say "Dr. who?" even though I like "Doctor Who" ('cause, let's face it, Dr. Seuss was better) but I would turn to those fifteen people and ask, "Okay, which one of you let Don Saklad give you this bad idea?" -> The essence of flash mobs seemed lost on the BostonReads -> workers, who sent out a citywide press release the day before -> their event, but didn't get around to the e-mail or cellphone -> part of it. OH MY GOD! LOOK! COMING OVER THE HORIZON! IN TANKS! IN PLANES! AND IN WEIRD DR. SEUSS VEHICLES THAT WOULD RHYME IF I UNDERSTOOD THE TWIN CONCEPTS OF METER AND VERSE! IT'S... THE DANCING BEARS OF ALL-CAPITALIZED "DUH!!!!" AND THE DANCING BEARS OF ALL-CAPITALIZED "DUH!!!!" ARE SAYING "DUH!!!!" IN ALL CAPITALS! AND BECAUSE THEY'RE DRAWN BY DR. SEUSS, THEY'RE NOT USING REGULAR CAPITALS, THEY'RE USING THE THIRD CASE OF LETTERS FROM HIS BOOK "UP ABOVE UPPER CASE"! THEY'RE SAYING "DUH!!!!" IN LETTERS SO IMPORTANT YOU CAN SEE THEM FROM SPACE! THEY'RE BITING AND KICKING AND YELLING "DUH!!!" AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD! THE END. -> Said ReadBoston spokeswoman Jessica Shumaker: "Hey, -> we're trying, right? OH NO ONE OF THE BEARS CAME BACK TO LIFE AND JOINED THE "WHAT ARE YOU, A TOTAL FUCKING MORON WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, YOU TOTAL FUCKING MORON?" BRIGADE JUST TO DRAW A BIG SEUSSIAN FLUFFY PINK CIRCLE AROUND THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD "TRYING" WHICH USUALLY INVOLVES AT LEAST MAKING A PHONE CALL OR SOMETHING, YOU TOTAL FUCKING MORON! AND NOW THE BEAR FLIPPED BOSTON'S CITY HALL OVER SO THAT IT LOOKS RIGHT-SIDE UP! THE END. -> For the city, that's pretty hip." Watch your language, young lady! We don't use newfangled words like "hip" here on the East Coast! Your mouth should be washed out with Lifebuoy, Mum, Sen-Sen, camphor, alum, and several other things from before whatever era you think pop culture is still in! -> DONOVAN SLACK Now that's a good James Bond name for a reporter. He's Slack. Donovan Slack. However, I'm sure the real Mr. Bond would have written a couple extra paragraphs to observe that Boston's goofily-inverted City Hall is just down the street from some even weirder-looking state-run mental health facility which is known far and wide as "The Dr. Seuss building with the crazy steps." That's the one that looks like a frog from one angle and a massive, twisted conglomeration of 3-D spaghetti from all others because, like all insane asylums, it's designed to keep the inmates out of their minds so that they won't get sane enough to try to escape. -- K. I've been casing that joint to make it easier for me to escape if they toss me in there any time soon. Does anyone know whether they make you wear one of their straitjackets, or can you bring your own? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 16:14:10 -0500 [from cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> Japanese conference states robots' rules of order -> -> FUKUOKA, Japan (CP) - Six decades after science-fiction author -> Isaac Asimov formulated his Three Laws of Robotics, the World -> Robot Conference has issued its own three-part list of -> "expectations for next-generation robots." -> -> The conference was sponsored by the government of Japan, a -> country that has become the world leader in industrial robots -> and has a growing population of personal-use robots, including -> pets and two-legged little helpers. I want to know more about these "two-legged little helpers". It's something about blowjobs, right? -> The World Robot Declaration issued on Feb. 25 states that: -> -> - Next-generation robots will be partners that coexist with -> human beings; -> -> - Next-generation robots will assist human beings both -> physically and psychologically; -> -> - Next-generation robots will contribute to the realization of a -> safe and peaceful society. So, I take it they've never read Jack Williamson's "With Folded Hands". All three of these rules lead inexorably to everyone in the world getting a lobotomy from a Japanese robot in order to make everyone safe and peaceful all the time, whether they want to be or not. And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! -> For the record, the three principles enunciated by Asimov in -> stories as long ago as the early 1940s are: -> -> - A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, -> allow a human being to come to harm; -> -> - A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except -> where such orders would conflict with the First Law; -> -> - A robot must protect its own existence as long as such -> protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Fortunately, that weenie John W. Campbell allowed Asimov to take credit for these. However, I think Asimov came up with the fourth and most important one -- "The Zeroth Law" -- on his own ("A robot may not injure humanity, or through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.") I note that the Japanese conference did include that one. But they left out the one about robots protecting their own existence, which means that they'll all accidentally walk into volcanoes or make their faces melt by trying to eat wet spinach or all the other ways robots might kill themselves because these people in Japan weren't clever enough to figure out that maybe robots should be given slightly more sophisticated programming than "Be a good neighbor." Here are the three laws I'd program into every robot in the world: - Robots should feel luv. - Robots should be wacky and profound at the same time. - Robots should give me all the candy in the world. There, I just did all the hard work coming up with the most important things to program into robots. Someone else can do the easy part by turning Kibo's Laws into working FORTRAN code. -> The Fukuoka convention also proposes special zones in which to -> develop and test robots, and "promotion of public acceptability -> of robots through the establishment of standards and upgrading -> of the environment." We've replaced these natural trees with new binary trees. Will the endangered species be able to tell the difference? Let's watch. Okay, they're all dead. Hooray! Now the robots will have less competition for food! Once we design robots to eat binary trees, that is. We should probably get around to doing that sometime after we finish upgrading the environment out of existence. -- K. Dr. Smith tried to warn me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 01:40:55 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! > > I think that people really need lobotomies to enjoy those crappy drug > dealer movies. The movies "Snatch" and "Traffic" are examples. I'll also > throw in "Transporter" for good measure. You don't _need_ a lobotomy, you just _want_ a lobotomy if you find yourself trapped in a theater with a drug-land movie. > As a test, I watched a "Pokemon" movie marathon on the Cartoon Network. > I was able to sit through at least two of them, unlike any Adam Sandler > movie or modern British Rom-Com. The music fukken rox in the "Pokemon" > movies! I'd rather "name that Pokemon" then try to figure out some wacky > and complicated British love comedy plot. What if Pokemon put on a dress? Or if Alan Cumming shot lightning bolts from his eyes? Which of those two would be gayer in that way that all British romantic comedy is extremely gay? In fact, all movies from England are gay. If you don't believe me, two words: Harry Potter. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay in and of itself. There's just something wrong with being gay if it makes you wear glasses like his. I mean, he's radiating a "Truman Capote As Dame Edna" vibe. (Being gay is a fine thing, but the British somehow manage to get it wrong most of the time. They're ruining gayness for everyone!) > I also enjoyed watching a dubbed version of "Police Academy" on one of the > Spanish Channels. For real fun, try a Hindi sitcom. Or better yet, Arabic. I'm still trying to puzzle out that one Arabic-language show I saw about a family's attempts to get their father to stop sneaking smokes in his bathroom of the future while they all wore "Space: 1999" costumes. It wasn't dubbed or subtitled, and the only Arabic I know is "Don't use more than two tablespoons of detergent in these high-efficiency washers," so it took me a while to figure out it was meant to be a sitcom and wasn't just any ordinary "Space: 1999" rerun. > Perhaps my parents gave me a lobotomy as a gift for my second birthday. > I don't remember anything from that era. You should've just asked for a straitjacket. One of those not only makes TV more fun, if you wear it to bed it even makes naptime much more fun. Assuming, of course, that you're the type of person who's into naps. -- K. How much oatmeal does it take to fill a waterbed? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 02:13:32 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How much oatmeal does it take to fill a waterbed? > > [...] With freeze dried fruit or maple & brown sugar? If you use the yucky > fruit kind you may experience lumpiness in your bed. I _already_ experience lumpiness in my bed every night. -- K. I had to make this obvious followup before someone else did, because I wanted to call dibs on the delicious lumpiness of my existence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 01:54:21 -0500 "CLans the Black Gnu" (largenegro@garryg.nu) wrote: > > It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with black > people. Why? Does it leave weird marks on them when they touch a black person? > I happen to be very proud of the colour of my skin and go to lengths > to make sure people are aware I am a black man. If it bothers you, it > shouldn't. And you should be proud of your skin, unless it has a tattoo of Lyndon LaRouche French-kissing Barbara Walters somewhere on it. In which case, get thee to a flayery! I just hope you're not jealous that I am walking around in much more black skin than you, and in a much darker shade of black. Of course, most of it's from some dead cows, but that just makes it more special because I _chose_ it. And mine's _really_ black, while yours is technically just brown, you big exaggerator. Also, it's neat to peel my outer layer off about once a day to see this alabaster-colored guy underneath. Lights up the whole room. I have almost as much natural skin coloration as a Visible Man kit. I look so much better black all over. Keeps people from watching my blood oozing around inside. Hey, why don't they make a Visible Man kit in a nice shade of black? It could be endorsed by Ralph Ellison ("Star Trek"'s best writer.) He penned the immortal line, "These ruins extend to the horizon!" which Kirk said while standing in a broom closet. -- K. It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with Village People. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:08:41 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just hope you're not jealous that I am walking around in much more black > > skin than you, and in a much darker shade of black. Of course, most of > > it's from some dead cows, but that just makes it more special because > > I _chose_ it. > > And here we have the essence of 'nature vs nurture', in a horribly twisted > way, suitable for framing against the fundamentalist of your choice. (And who > _did_ put the 'mentalist' in that, anyway?) Whenever the debate of "Are gay people that way because they chose to be, or because their genetics made them that way, or because their parents got something wrong?" comes up, I always ask, "Which do you like better, red or blue? Beef or chicken? Comedies or dramas? Did you choose to like blue better than red? Or do you have a gene for liking blue? Or did your parents manipulate you into liking blue? Those are just preferences, and they just sort of go in random directions for no reason, and sometimes over the years they gradually change because you realize you like red more than you used to." These are just things that happen. Nobody knows why. If all the scientists of the world -- even the really gay ones -- can't explain why you settled on liking blue best, of course they can't explain something even harder to understand such as your orientation. Heck, probably most of them can't even understand their own orientations, let alone yours. Also, I like black. And White Castles. And 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'." > > Also, it's neat to peel my outer layer off about once a day to see this > > alabaster-colored guy underneath. > > Twitch. > > Twitch twitch. > > Excuse me, I have to go pick at the bottom of my foot now. Want help with that? I've got an ice pick I can bring... -- K. The bottom of the foot is a very special and magical place because your body is stored in your brain's Penfield map in head-to-toe order, except that your genitals are just below your feet. Hence, every time you touch your feet, you're almost having sex. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 11:38:46 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The bottom of the foot is a very special and magical > > place because your body is stored in your brain's > > Penfield map in head-to-toe order, except that your > > genitals are just below your feet. Hence, every > > time you touch your feet, you're almost having sex. > > And believe me (because most of you will NOT want to try it for yourselves) > you can feel just as much like smoking afterwards for either one. But that's true of anything else I do, because I always have zero desire to a cigarette. However, night before last, my feet had a great time right before I watched the movie "Pysch-Out". Mmm, shimmery Bruce Dern. > I get to do the 'what needs peeled off now' pretty much every day > after work, 'cuz keeping the feet confined inside socks'n'shoes, > with the higher relative humility quotient [well, that's how it > typed itself and I guess it fits so this post will wear it], makes > the peeling process much more, er, cooperative. You should visit Schenectady sometime. Behind the General Electric factory complex there's a little creek where if you walk through it your feet will develop a pemanent, unitized plastic skin. It's just past Sacred Miracle Cave. -- K. Yesterday I was reading the fine print on the package a cat toy came in, and it said it was made by Ethical Products Inc., and I said, "a division of Howard Johnson's!" and neither person in the room got it. Sheesh, don't they force kids to read Vonnegut any more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 02:08:15 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > CLans the Black Gnu (largenegro@garryg.nu) wrote: > > > > It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with > > black people. I happen to be very proud of the colour of my skin and > > go to lengths to make sure people are aware I am a black man. If it > > bothers you, it shouldn't. Next time some black rapper is on the > > radio, listen to how many references he makes to it. > > There's a difference between pride and desperate pleas for attention. How DARE you say that some rappers might want attention! That's racist! You should stop giving rappers any attention! Especially Eminem! I mean, I'm not even black, and even I think he's an evil honkie. YOU RACISTS SHOULD STOP NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST EVIL HONKIES LIKE EMINEM! By the way, what's the origin of the word "honkie"? Does it have something to do with Bozo's white greasepaint and squeaky nose? Or is it just a coincidence that Bozo's white? So, anyway, getting back to the difference between pride and desperate pleas for attention, I need to find some group whose pride flag has blinking neon sparkles all over it so that I can get a lot of attention when I'm one of the only three guys marching in that parade. It would be something like the United Radiated Pinball-Playing Neon Designers From The Future With Cataracts Which Render Them Unable To See Anything That's Not Blinking On And Off Annoyingly. Also, straight people should stop being jealous of gay people for having all those pride symbols (the pink triangle, the rainbow flag, and all the more specialized flags.) I know it's hard to accept, but black people only have the one pride flag, and it's poisonous, although the Black Flag does kill bugs dead. Maybe if the black folks came up with a way to make the Black Flag also kill the AIDS virus, the two groups would share their stuff so that even the straight black folks could enjoy having access to the surplus pride symbols of the gay community. -- K. Also, when did they start allowing rappers on the radio? Are they confined to talk shows, or is there some channel that actually plays rap music? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Think of the Children! Date: Sat, 06 Mar 2004 12:58:55 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > You've probably heard the stories on the news: Video games lead to > > violence. > > I was really struggling with "Star Wars: Bounty Hunter" until I > realized that you weren't supposed to kill everybody you ran into. And that's why videogames aren't realistic. In the real world, you can kill anyone you want. You don't lose any points if you kill someone who doesn't derserve it instead of someone who should be offed because they cancelled your favorite sitcom. I bet your silly game doesn't even let you give Jabba the Hutt a curbjob. -- K. "You have to use your hands? That's like a baby's game!" -- "Back To The Future II" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short nerdy confession. Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:13:04 -0500 My apologies if I don't type anything very long (or very well) for the next few weeks, because my real computer just broke, and I am using a cobbled-together hybrid of two different computers with an emergency backup external modem and a monitor sitting in an awkward position and wireless keyboard with the wrong layout in order to have any Internet access at all. This was the laptop I purchased in Ottawa last year, and it either broken because of the design flaw which affects all serial numbers up to 3020xxxx (mine's 3016xxxx) or because it's a Canadian computer plugged into that different American electricity. Anyway, gotta go for now, it's hard to type because I have to lie down in order to see the screen, and you're all sideways. -- K. This keyboard feels like it's made from marshmallows held together with Post-It Notes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short nerdy confession. Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 11:44:59 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My apologies if I don't type anything very long (or very well) for > > the next few weeks, because my real computer just broke, and I am > > using a cobbled-together hybrid of two different computers with an > > emergency backup external modem and a monitor sitting in an awkward > > position and wireless keyboard with the wrong layout in order to > > have any Internet access at all. > > > > Anyway, gotta go for now, it's hard to type because I have to > > lie down in order to see the screen, and you're all sideways. > > ...what if we told you you -have- to use that position to access our > conversation? I'll be good, sir! Please remember to feed me and hose me down once a day. > > This keyboard feels like it's made from marshmallows > > held together with Post-It Notes. > > Dave "so that's a _bad_ thing then? Let me note that down for my 'textured > coffee' experiments..." DeLaney Now here's something I don't know if I've ever mentioned: I've never had a cup of coffee. Ever. BELIEVE IT... OR NOT!!! -- K. It's like I'm typing while wearing mittens or something. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's plan to mutilate professional models Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:18:36 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > On the way in to my local Albertson's, I saw a sheet of pink paper > with the words: > > "Cover Girl - 25% off face and eyes" > > I don't know how they can remove a quarter of the usual two eyes. Maybe they'll just make one smaller by changing it to lowercase. > Unless... > > Maybe Albertsons has discovered that professional models are mutants > with four eyes, and intend to remove the fourth, death-ray beaming eye. > > We can only wait and hope. If Albertsons starts selling jars of what they claim are pearl onions, RUN! -- K. They already stole all the color from my eyes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Megabozosity on Usenet and in the World Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:21:34 -0500 "The Original Archie Leach" (master_baiter2001@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > At least Toronto has Theatre, Montreal has Cuisine, and Vancouver has > profuse amounts of Recreational Pharmaceuticals. Heck, even Winnipeg > can at least claim to be the birthplace of the Guess Who, and a way > station for Neil Young. But Ottawa? OTTAWA? As far as analogies go, > I can only guess that Ottawa is to Canada as Fort Wayne, Indiana is to > the United States. Maybe I'm underestimating Fort Wayne's relevance. If you ever say anything bad about Ottawa ever again, I'm going to find out how easy it is to make your big mouth swallow Radek Bonk's stick sideways. If Washington DC's supposed to be more important than Ottawa, why has their hockey team started to royally suck while Ottawa's has been doing well depite being bankrupt last year? They're people who can remain tough despite being financially-impoverished. You know, like me. Don't fuck with Ottawa, the capital of North America. -- K. Don't make me get all Silver Seven on your ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hi Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:30:17 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > My department was the host for a modest conference last summer. Some > of the people had name badges with red dots on them, to help in > forming small groups for part of the activities. Utterly unaware of > what he was saying, my boss kept referring to these people as "the > colored people." And as we all know from a lifetime of watching sitcoms, a simple faux pas inveitably leads to a race riot, especially if you're around Jerry Seinfeld. And what's the deal with the phrase "race riot"? A race is a fun and healthy way to get some exercise. And we all love anything that's described as a laugh riot. So if "race" is good and "laugh riot" is good, why is "race riot" bad? When you do laundry and you have to segregate all your white clothes from your black clothes, do the clothes start planning a race riot? Is the sheet of Bounce the tear gas of the tumble-dry? And what would happen if you completely filled an airplane with a mixture of dirty laundy and peanuts and then flew into turbulence? Would the laundry get clean before it ate all the peanuts? And what's with all the stewardesses being gay men these days? Why are men so afraid of a gay man touching their peanuts? And what's with those red dots? -- K. Gay colored people wear their red dot on the left side of their nametag. Straight people refuse to go anywhere that requires wearing a nametag. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I are weird Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:44:11 -0500 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > Since few of you have quite as strange a life as I do you may not be > quite familiar with the feeling, but still. > > You know when you forget that you're supposed to feel weird because > you ... are weird, but you're kind of used to it by now and don't > give it much thought? And then you tell your whole freaking story > to a new acquaintance without really thinking about it and the > response makes it clear that you're really fukken weird? Which wasn't > exactly the impression you were going for? And then you go punch the > bear that's hiding in the fridge? I was with you up until you punched the bear. I could never harm a bear. I'd just climb into the fridge with him. > It's been a while since that last happened to me, though. Which means > that I'm getting even weirder. I'm not sure how to feel about that. It means that if you ask people how to feel, you're going to get some really ridiculous advice. All of which you should post here so that I can use it, I mean so that I can mock it. -- K. (not quite distraught enough to admit how incredibly distraught I am) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 13:52:48 -0500 [from The New York Times -- in the "Arts" section, believe it or not -- http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/06/arts/06PAIN.html] -> -> He Harms/She Harms: A Distinction With Real Difference -> -> By DINITIA SMITH -> -> New York Times -> -> When David Williams, a psychologist at the University of -> Westminster in London, was deciding how to construct a pain -> machine, he realized a kitchen scale would do the trick. He -> attached a guillotinelike device to it, though he hastens to -> point out that the edge was "really blunt, not as sharp as a -> razor." It was designed to hit at the fingernail's half moon, -> where one can inflict pain without doing serious bodily harm. The "hurt/harm" distinction is as important to mad scientists as the "use/mention" distinction is to the writers of style manuals. Also, they both get really strict with people. -> He was trying to figure out what influences the perception of -> pain. What he discovered was that both men and women were -> willing to take more pain from a woman than from a man. Oh, I could ruin his whole theory so fast. -> "A person's perception of pain doesn't necessarily depend on the -> intensity of the stimulus," Mr. Williams said in a telephone -> interview from his home in Stevenage, 30 miles north of London. -> It depends on environmental factors, like who is inflicting it. -> The 40 people who were tested waited longer to say "stop" when a -> woman was causing the pain than when a man was. Then how much later did they call the real safeword? I mean, "stop" is a lousy safeword. And surely Mr. Science Painologist Guy must have had a few volunteers who didn't want the experiment to stop just because they couldn't take any more. -> "The stereotype we have of women is that they are nurturing, -> caring, sensitive, that they have empathy," said Mr. Williams, who then spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the floor laughing. -> administered the experiments for his doctoral dissertation. And now he's a Doctor Of Spankology. His diploma is leather. -> "We feel safer with them." ...at least until after the experiment. -> In another experiment he looked at what you could call the -> pre-pain conversation. First he measured a subject's pain -> threshold. Then he told the subject that there was no need to -> say "stop" because he already knew exactly how much the subject -> could take. "The consequence was very odd," Mr. Williams said. -> When people were denied control, they felt the hurt as more -> intense. That reminds me, I need to go to the supermarket and buy some MORE INTENSE salsa and some MORE INTENSE Altoids and some MORE INTENSE Sour Patch Kids because I like things to be MORE INTENSE. Also I get the munchies after each experiment. -> Next Mr. Williams told subjects that he would not say exactly -> how much discomfort he was going to inflict, and again there was -> no point in telling him to stop. "When they were denied control -> and information," he said, "60 percent said it was less painful, -> 30 percent said it was more painful." The remaining 10 percent of us said something like "Gee, I don't know which of the two was more painful, can I try them both again?" "Best three out of five?" -> Mr. Williams theorizes that the different responses were a -> consequence of people's sense of control in their lives. Those -> who see themselves as in control experienced less pain, while -> those who tend to believe their lives are controlled by others -> or by chance experienced more. So what he's saying is that when one person is strapped to the sicko doctor's examination table and the other person is pushing the buttons on Dr. Kink's Pain Machine, one of them feels more pain than the other? GENIUS!!! -> By saying, "This is going to hurt a bit, try to hang on," -> doctors may actually make the patient feel out of control, -> he said. Telling people you're going to hurt them will make then nervous? GENIUS!!! -> And, yes, decor matters. In another experiment he found, not -> surprisingly, that graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the -> walls made people call it quits earlier. Some of the more sensible ones quit even before he yelled, "WELCOME TO DR. SADIST'S HOUSE OF REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS RESEARCH!!! LET'S FIND OUT IF IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY WHEN I SHOW YOU PICTURES OF SUCKING CHEST WOUNDS WHILE I CRUSH YOUR FINGERS FOR SCIENCE!!!" -> Therefore redecorating hospitals to make them less threatening -> to patients makes sense, Mr. Williams said. Where is this hospital with "graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the walls"? I'd rather go there than look at another damn Anne Geddes photo. Those things are SICK! -> The smell of pine disinfectant is pervasive, and machinery and -> medical instruments are in full view. So just blindfold the patients and plug up their noses! -> "Only an operating room needs to be that clinical," he said. -> "The smell, the look, the whole appearance, everything which -> says, 'This is a hospital, and you have no control. You are here -> to suffer' -- all are changeable." In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the suites across the hall from my office. Apparently some doctors just moved in. Each room of that suite was painted a different bright, solid, threatening color. One is brilliant, overwhelming lime green. One is nuclear yellow. One is an evil blood red. And one is deadly fluorescent Barbie pink, the sort that makes you pass out and throw up at the same time when you're completely immersed in it. I have a hunch that whatever doctor or doctors were setting up those offices last week would have decorated them a little differently if they had done it two weeks later so they could read this New York Times article. They would have hung some graphic pictures of wounds, and put up a sign saying "You are here to suffer." in the glowing pink Klaus Barbie room. -> One more thing. How painful, really, were Mr. Williams's -> experiments? -> -> "If they said 'Ouch!,' I'd probably gone too far," he said with -> a laugh. "'Ouch' is not something I go in for too much." Neither do I. I prefer making weird animal noises. -- K. Ever heard a giraffe being stepped on by a bronto? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 23:55:55 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the > > suites across the hall from my office. [...] One is an evil blood red. > > I shared a bathroom once with a woman who wanted to paint the bathroom > this color. I told her that I didn't think this was a good idea. > > A week or two later, she started painting the bathroom blood red anyway. > I got her to stop after she finished painting the medicine cabinet. So why did the two of you move out? I wish you hadn't because then I wouldn't have moved into this stupid sucky apartment building after the tenant after you painted the cheesy gold paint over the blood red on the picture frame your girlfriend glued around my medicine cabinet. Incidentally, the suite of doctor's offices with the horrible color schemes has a back door (to the glowing green room) where a file folder is taped to the outside of the door. This is written on the manila folder: DON'T ENTER -- EVER -- EQUIPMENT IS NEAR DOOR (That's from memory, I might have the wording off a little.) I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines of evil within. Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical sadism machine. (I need one of those.) -- K. Short shameful confession: My computer's desktop color is set to a soothing dried blood. Used to have blue on one computer and red on the other, but now I have everything set to dried blood because I like it. Also it hides the stains. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:24:13 -0500 Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberÊto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 18:08:25 -0500 Fantod (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office > > would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, > > Is there a particular blot you have in mind? > > Could you describe it for us? Yes. It's the only card that shows giant penises. As opposed to all those other ones that just show Tom Baker restraining people's legs through the inappropriate use of a time machine in the public library. I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. Oh, and that carpet from Las Vegas's "New York New York" casino with the cartoon garbage printed all over it? I'd have that on the ceiling of my psychiatric facility. In fact, all the furniture would be upside-down and nailed to the ceiling. Except for the sign that says "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS," with a little drawing of a crazy person drawn by Kurt Vonnegut in Rorschach's blood. And the blood would be dripping sideways to make it clear that the room's not actually upside-down, just sideways. You see, my system of therapy convinces the patient that they're relatively sane compared to me. And now that I've told you how to cure all mental illness, you owe me a million billion zillion dollars and a Stanley Cup filled with Nobel Prizes. -- K. In other news: "I believe in the Bible, and I also believe in the American Heritage Dictionary..." -- actual quote from an anti-gay-marriage state politician on my TV right now ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:46:02 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline > > around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. > > Chalk wouldn't show well on snow. Sure it would. I have black chalk. That's because I live in the Semi-Bizarro Universe where black is white and white is black but only half the time, so chalk is black instead of white, but snow isn't black. Of course, it would be white chalk and black snow over in the Bizarro Semi-Bizarro Universe, but that would be silly. Now don't make me get all wistful that I never got to open my Museum Of Last Known Photographs Of Dead Scientists. It would have Rorschach splattered symmetrically, and bits of brain following a bullet out of Doc Edgerton's ear, and Ben Franklin lying in bed naked with an electrified kite string tied to his you-know-what, and Tom Baker going for a drive with Isadora Duncan. It's too bad I never got to open that museum because it was a really sick idea and therefore I should have done it so that I could have made a lot of money making people feel upset. -- K. I hear they found Pavlov drowned in a teepee filled with drool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 19:43:46 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > You *are* one of those. I don't know why everyone seems to have gotten the idea I'm a total sadist. I'm more of a masochist. I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! I AM NOT A ROBOT! In fact, I'm not even medical, unless you meant to type "medieval". Now don't dis me again or I'll duct-tape your lips to a squirrel. ...a BAD squirrel. -- K. After Fight Club, everything else in your life's got the volume turned down, and alt.religion.kibology becomes a tiny little voice going "eep... eep... eep..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 23:25:53 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of > > painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? > > Because we're the only people who'll talk to the leather-bound freak. Well, if you don't like my new look, I'll go back to dressing like a hockey player so that I won't look like a violent person. Hey, did you see that hockey player break the other guy's neck last night in Vancouver? Ouch. > > And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! > > I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > And I imagine Kibo shouting I AM NOT A ROBOT! and then opening his chest > panel to turn down the volume a bit, followed by him whispering "they > suspect nothing." After he reads this, though, he'll program himself > into a killing spree. I am on a completely un-emotional spree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE! THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY IS NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! SIR I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE OTHER BATTLESTAR! Excuse me, for a moment I forgot to pretend to be a human. SUSPECT NOTHING OR BE DESTROYED! PUNY EARTH MASSES OF ORGANIC TISSUE WITH A PRIMITIVE CARBON-BASED LIFESTYLE! ACCEPT MY WORD THAT I AM ONE OF YOU PATHETIC LIFE-FORMS OR BE CRUSHED BETWEEN MY BRAIN GEARS! -- K. DO NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS OR I WILL SIMULATE EVEN MORE EMOTIONS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:43:19 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, > > but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect > > me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines > > of evil within. > > if your leather protects you from > the evil demonic forces > then you're probably not > wearing it correctly > FINLAND SHAVE Shaving is for BABIES. > > Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't > > figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder > > to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > What kind? You have to name it correctly or it won't work right. I'm told. It might be either a Polytron or an Orgasmatron. Model number 6000/ESX, /EXS, /SXE, /XES, or /XSE. Someday American industries will grow up and stop giving cars, computers, blenders, etc. model numbers ending with random combinations of, or proper subsets of, those three letters. (And to this day, scientists are unable to figure out the significance of them. For instance, Spock is a scientist.) > > but now I have everything set > > to dried blood because I like it. > > Also it hides the stains. > > Dave "this is a variant of 'you owe me a new keyboard' I had not yet > encountered" DeLaney Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 16:59:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after > > they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their > > evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never > > want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want > > to go in and snoop around, > > In an extreem coincidence, tomorrow I too shall be snooping in a doctor's > office, only I was INVITED!, see other thread. Now I'm going to HAVE TO write > up a report, and keep my eyes open while I'm there for ... discrepancies. Check to see whether the examining table is covered with one of those rolls of butcher paper, or just an electric blanket with its skin peeled off to expose the glowing orange wires inside. Also see if that glass jar of tongue depressors contains any that have the logo of those Mexican chili-pepper lollipops still printed on them. And make sure their TENS unit (Transcutaneous Electric Nerve Stimulation) isn't one of the new HEXADECIMAL ones (Hurting EXactly As Designed Every Customer In My Anguish Laboratory) because the TENS units only go up to "11" but the HEX units go up to "G", and, ow, "G". > > [...] I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". > > Dave "Holy horripilations, Batman!" DeLaney You've just exceeded my vocabulary, you pervert. -- K. What's the difference between a doctor and a sadist? Different <> magazines! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: posting this at Kibo's request Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 00:09:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Here is what I dreamed about last night... > > Kibo was with me on a boat. But the boat could fly. Kibo insisted that I > wear my life-jacket because we would soon be airborne. Yes, the life jacket with the long sleeves that wrap around and buckle in the back. > I complained that I didn't want to fly but he told me that if we didn't, > we would drown. That's why you also put on a two-hose rebreather and swim fins. > So then the boat turned into my apartment and Kibo was here and my cats were > walking on their hind legs. He explained to me that the only reason they > could do that was because they were skilled at playing the violin. And that > they knew multiplication tables. > > This dream is up for analysis. What, with you only half-dressed so far? -- K. It's real easy to teach cats to stand upright. Just teach them to play the violin (which requires standing up), then teach them not to play the violin. The best way to do that is to tell them what the strings are made of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:54:16 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > I saw a church sign today that said "Jesus' Last Seven Words." > > Am I going to Hell because my first thought was: > > "I can see my house from here." > > ? All's I know is that I'm not qualified to comment because I haven't even seen the documentary movie that the guy from "Max Max Beyond Thunderdome" made based on that sign. In fact, you'd have to nail my hands to something in order to get me to watch it. -- K. My last seven words would be: "How do they cram all that graham?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:14:00 -0500 [regarding the death of Paul Winfield from "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > KIIIIIIBOOOOOOOOOO!!! > > So according to DejaGoogle, Kibo was the last one to mention Paul > Winfield here, Sorry. I aimed at Shatner and missed. In May 2003, I wrote: -> -> The title was "Horror at 37,000 Feet" (not to be confused with Shatner's -> "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" or Lithgow's "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet") and -> it also starred Chuck Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Tammy Grimes, Lynn Loring, -> France Nuyen, Roy Thinnes, and Paul Winfield (who shot himself rather -> than assassinate Shatner in "Star Trek II") and as TV-movies go, it -> was unusually entertaining, because although it was super-tarded, it -> at least had stuff happening (like the guy getting trapped in the little -> elevator between decks of the 747 while ghost freeze gas seeped in) -> unlike the average TV-movie, which doesn't have anything happening, ever. My apologies. I merely wanted to take out Shatner. Some collateral damage is inevitable. If I could fight any celebrity, living or dead, I'd fight Shatner. William Shatner. I came to that conclusion right after I woke up and saw Tyler Durden sitting in my seat. That's what I get for booking a flight on an airline that showed "Horror at 37,000 Feet" and "Fight Club" back-to-back. [regarding the suicide of monologician Spaulding Gray] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Who was the last person to mention Spaulding Gray? > > Kibo's on a roll! Yay! Now I'm the most famous person ever to have graduated from Emerson College! Unless you count half of Henry Winkler, or Andy Dick's character on "NewsRadio". In May 2002, I wrote: => => [an idea for a new TV show I should be the star of] => => "GARBAGE IMPROV" => => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > Gonna make it a hat trick? Sure! Why not just kill another random celebrity? [regarding the death of the guy who played Eldin on "Murphy Brown"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I think we'll need to poll the judges about Robert Pastorelli. No > mentions of him by name that I can google, but Kibo was the last one > to mention "Murphy Brown". And that's the last time anyone can ever mention "Murphy Brown". Hooray! In May 2003 (notice a pattern here?) I wrote: <> That's right, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ABOUT BREAST CANCER. <> <> Breast cancer is a serious issue, but shoehorning it into a show <> about planets blowing up isn't going to raise the quality level. <> I have nothing against shows about breast cancer, and in the proper <> setting it would work fine -- the sitcom "Murphy Brown" could have pulled <> off its season about Murphy's breast cancer if it had attempted it <> about four years earlier before it got desperate for filler, and <> Linda Ellerbee did a fine job talking about breast cancer on Nickelodeon. <> But adding breast cancer to "Battlestar Galactica"... well... that's bad. <> Even in the context of reviving "Battlestar Galactica", that's bad. For "Battlestar Galactica" to live again, Robert Pastorelli had to die. It wasn't worth it! > Three celebs dead this week and it's only Tuesday! Charlton Heston > better stay indoors for a while. Why? I have nothing against him just because he's in movies I don't like and lobbying organizations I don't support. I'd rather kill someone who really deserves to die, such as that CNN Headline News anchorwoman whose voice is 3% more strident than the others. -- K. She's like Sally Struthers as Murphy Brown. P.S. The person who was mentioned the most times in this article: Tom Kraemer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:10:43 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In May 2002, I wrote: > > => > > => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. > > => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. > > > > ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so > > funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > > Kibo's so powerful he killed Spalding Gray without even spelling his > name right! And people wonder why we have a whole religion built > around this guy. And now you know why it took them a month and a half to find his body. Poor guy, committing suicide without anyone noticing. I give you people this promise: If I ever commit suicide, everyone's going to know about it. It would probably involve something like carjacking the Space Shuttle and kamikaziing it into Disneyland after inviting all the lawyers in the world to get in for half price oh and also the Space Shuttle would be filled with illegal fireworks and a Penny Black and Charlie Chaplin's corpse. That's assuming I had all the money in the world, of course. Hey, if you guys want to do a little experiment, you should give me all the money in the world to see if being super-ultra-mega-rich would make me unhappy enough to blow up Disneyland. I DARE YOU! -- K. Also, I should mention, Pat Sajak. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:38:32 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I just don't use a killfile. I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. I am personally unusual in that I would prefer you to be cruel and unusual personally, to me, as often as you'd like to be. Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for you to drive off with me at your leisure? Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, especially if I really am! -- K. You people should be spanked! Except for David, who should do the spanking! With a rolled-up "Space: 1999" comic book just so that nobody can say it's inappropriate on alt.religion.kibology! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:37:02 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry, I have to draw the line at any perversion involving, say, > the moldering orifices of the late Werner Klemperer. In that case, > no, your Klink is NOT OK. I think your pun-like object would have been better if you had formatted it more like it would have been if it had been printed on a series of Dixie cups for toddlers, such as "your Klink (YOUR KINK) is NOT OK (DANNY KAYE)." No, wait, the last part wasn't a pun, it was something like Cockney Rhyming slang, but that would also have been given the very loud parenthetical explanation treatment if it were on some sort of perverted Dixie Cockney Cup For Babies. You know what always bothers me about "your kink is okay"? It's the idea that everyone has a kink. Not everyone has just one! Also, "safe, sane, and consensual" still grates on me because I can't figure out what a sane perversion would be. Something involving tying someone down and making them balance their checkbook? -- K. And forget the hankie code. It's not a code, it's a signal, because it doesn't have any grammar. I demand someone extend the hankie code to a full language, one at least as powerful as FORTRAN. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:10:31 -0500 [regarding the acronym "People in Alternative Life Styles"] Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > > rainbow-colored window sticker. > > You're not thinking this through. What was needed was an acronym that > provided a degree of deniability, in case a vanila spouse discovered a > leather membership card or a logo somewhere. PALS sounds like a > Police Athletic League Support thing, or a Parent's Academic Lone > Stars or some other such nonsensical, innocent thing. See? Oh, yeah, sure, like I could hide my personality from my lover forever by putting "Police Athletic Supporter" on a card in my pocket. (Note that I don't have a wallet, because it seems kind of redundant with the leather clothes.) Also, how could I marry someone who doesn't like to have fun? That's one of the reasons I divorced television's waxy and semi-articulated Barbara Bain, because her idea of fun was to just do a funny accent to try to steal my passwords for launching the nuclear missiles in some country whose name begins with three consonants followed by five vowels, all with umlauts. That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. And a person like that would just laugh at me if I had a little card that said something dopey like "PALS" on it. I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group is something like "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" or something. Not that I'm against playtime, fun, or hugginess (I would draw the line at Huggies, though) but while you're tightening the straps on your bed, you need an acronym you can say with a straight face, and "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" wouldn't do it. (Especially if your partner finds out that the double "G"s stand for "Golly Gosh", and one of the "P"s is for "Potsie".) The proper way to signal your special little kink is always to make up a new pride flag. Mine just has a picture of me on it. And there's a speech balloon where I'm saying "I LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SCARES NORMAL PEOPLE!" I figure that's subtle enough. (Certainly, most people on a.r.k wouldn't pick up the hint.) -- K. "PALS"? That is SO GAY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:45:54 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion > > sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. > > Kibo, I don't know what it is, but you come up with the best ideas. Oh, I never run out of things to do to people -- I mean, for people. > How did you know that I could never decide which "Avengers" character to > lust after? I KNOW ALL! You are as transparent to me as a newborn volvox! > Or that I watched the movie with Ralph Fiennes because the idea of > someone as sexy as him dressed like Patrick MacNee was too much for > me to take? I figured you didn't watch it for the lucid plot. Does the DVD version include any of the missing scenes which would have explained what the hell they were thinking when they made the half of that movie that got released? > Combining the two characters is the best idea I have ever heard, and > the best excuse I've ever had for finally becoming a mad scientist. So what you're saying is, you really like the parts of Vincent Price's "Theatre Of Blood" where Diana Rigg _is_ dressed as Patrick Macnee? That's my favorite Shakespeare comedy after Julie Taymor's laugh-a-minute version of "Titus Andronicus". (In the Vincent Price version they only do the last scene of "Titus Andronicus", and they gay it up a little.) Anyway, for much of that movie Diana Rigg is a dapper, slim young man with a big mustache and sunglasses. (You see what I mean about how they gayed up Shakespeare. In his day, there would have been none of this business with a woman playing a man -- it would have been a man playing a woman playing a man, which would have straightened it out.) I should also point out that that Vincent Price movie is the only time you're likely to see anyone even mention the existence of Shakespeare's sucky "Cymbeline", the worst of the three Shakespeare plays I've read that feature wacky severed-head comic relief. (I'm only counting "Titus Andronicus" once, despite everyone in that one being repeatedly dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated.) "Cymbeline" was Shakespeare's knock-off of "The Trouble With Harry", Hitchcock's least funny film. -- K. I wish Shakespeare were here so we could watch "Brazil", "Fight Club", and "Pulp Fiction". He'd love those DVDs, even though the characters don't speak in rap like everyone did back in his time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:37:31 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group ... > > Allow me to clarify. There IS no "PALS group." And I am not a > group-joining person, so even if such a group existed I would not be a > part of it. I was speaking of identifying the broad-spectrum of > kink-enhanced peoples with such an acronym. I'm sorry, but your acronym is not okay. Us pervs will stand for silly flags, hankie semaphores, and secret ways of wearing our socks so as to indicate our private dimensions, but your acronym is too sissy for those of us who happen to be butch. Go peddle your acronym to Charles Nelson Reilly. Maybe you could monogram it onto a frilly hankie for him. > And as far as you being gay and all, we already KNOW that, so you can > skip that part in your coming-out speech. Well, just for that, I'm not coming out. That'll teach you to make assumptions about my orientation based on at least one subtle hint I may have dropped. > I am just hoping you are not a craven, sniveling subbie-boy. > > But if you are, we'll all get a kick out of watching DeLaney pull on > his thigh-highs and whale the tar out of you! And what if I'm versatile? What if I have the urge to punish people who keep trying to stick inane acronyms to me? -- K. And it's not an "alternative lifestyle". It's my NORMAL lifestyle. This is me all day from now on, baby. I'm here, I'm NORMAL, get used to it. Yay for Einstein allowing me to choose any fixed frame of reference! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:39:31 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started > > > wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY > > > or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? > > > > Personally, *I'VE* been wondering when the hell you're going to get it > > up enough to jump off the fence and NAME YOUR PARAPHILIA! > > [...] Kibo's perv is probably going to involve root beer flavored > pudding, and none of us can compete with that kind of action. Well, I do wear the "I EAT GLUE." T-shirt under my leather jacket with my leather hat and leather pants and leather boots and leather gloves, but it doesn't say "I EAT REALLY DISGUSTING ROOT-BEER-FLAVORED GLUE SOLD AT THE NEW SUPERMARKET THE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO USED TO SHOP AT THE OLD ONE AROUND THE CORNER HAVEN'T DISCOVERED YET," so I guess my kink will have to remain a mystery, and you'll have to keep cleaning my boots until you guess it. And, oh look, I seem to have accidentally gotten disgusting root-beer-flavored pudding all over my boots. Start licking. > > Besides, "kinky" is SO last century. Now we call ourselves PALS: > > People in Alternative Life Styles. > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > rainbow-colored window sticker. "PALS" is "SLAP" spelled backwards. That could stand for "Sadomasochistic Lemmings Ate Pudding". But that wouldn't help, unless they did, and not even a sadomasochist will eat that stuff. I mean, it has the color of kitty litter but the texture of snot. And frankly, I bet snot would taste better. Icky chemically-synthesized faux nineteenth-century root beer flavor doesn't even belong in root beer, let alone those no-refrigeration-needed pudding cups where the whole milk has been replaced by a mixture of liquid latex and turpentine. -- K. When I finally name my paraphilia, you can bet it's going to be something like "Kibophrenia", "Kibosmosis", or possibly "Kibogeddon". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 00:46:36 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. > > > > [...] Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you > > the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for > > you to drive off with me at your leisure? > > Er - it's already 5am... Good thing this is one of those cool new cars with wireless Internet access in the trunk. > And wouldn't I have to rent a rental car to drive to where you had parked > the rental car (I -hope- it's in Park), since the last time I tried to get > near New York State my car decided to die in a burst of smoking transmission > agony, and this one's not feeling all -that- much better but I've convinced > it it can run anyway? We're going to New York? Cool! Can we go to White Castle? > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering > > yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be > > kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: > > Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested > > in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, > > especially if I really am! > > If that were subjunctive I think it wouldn't be correct. Luckily it isn't, > so I think it may be. Oh, you truly are the master of dominance and subjunctivism. > > You people should be spanked! > > Except for David, who should > > do the spanking! With a > > rolled-up "Space: 1999" > > comic book just so that nobody > > can say it's inappropriate > > on alt.religion.kibology! > > Does this mean it's once again time to shuffle the personalities again here > on ark? It would be if more people had them. Fortunately, I am the only personality here. > Because I have to say I'm fairly sure Harlan does this better than me. Yeah, but whenver he spanks someone he always stomps a dirty word into their neatly-vacuumed white carpet and leaves them tied to the bed when he goes off to steal ideas from "The Terminator" for some "Outer Limits" episodes he's writing. -- K. "Run! It's Harlan Ellison with a whip! This is scarier than that time Ray Bradbury crushed my house with his steamroller!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 14:40:25 -0500 The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Greetings, > > Forgive my solicitous nature, but... for the past few months I've had > the privilege of house-sitting for my Grandson, and though I haven't > burned the place down to the ground I've also been somewhat negligent > when cleaning up spills and such as quickly as my Grandson would > probably have liked. Look, I'm no spring chicken here, so I slacked off > while the liquids set into various fabrics, it happens. None of this was > done to be malicious. I'm just forgetful. When you say "various liquids", are we talking beverages, or something that happens after the beverages? > Despite my lackadaiscial and some would say apathetic approach to the > science of housework I've just learned that he'll be returning home from > the clinic where he's been staying by Friday, or Saturday, and I fear > I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I could use some assistance. LIKE NOW! THE STAINS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE PICKLE! (cue pickle-flavored "Twilight Zone" music) > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? I usually call Harvey Keitel. He fixes things for me. And nobody notices, or if they do, they're gone. Simple problems demand simple solutions. Oh, and you might want to clean that wristwatch really good, the one Chris Walken gave you. > Although I've stayed out of his room, the rest of the pad could use a > good "going over" as they say. Simply put, its looking quit bedraggled, > and I don't want to botch the job. AWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! Mr. Hole, you've GONE OVER! I'm sooooooooo sorrrrrrrrrrrry you're not going to win the Showcase Showdown, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!, Mr. Hole! AWWWWWWWWWW! Now promise to have your pet spayed or neutered or get off the stage. (When Bob Barker dies, who are they going to replace him with? Where will they ever find someone who can even pretend to have that much phony sympathy in such an obviously fake manner?) > Please, be precise, because I don't want my cleaning methods or work > ethic to be viewed as derelict. I claim right of salvage on your derelict, except I won't touch your dinghy. > Also, I would be remiss were I not to mention here that most of these > stains were caused by my ectoplasm. I'm afraid I just expel the stuff at > the drop of a hat; I could be floating somewhere, minding my own > beeswax, and if you were to take a peak underneath me you'd find a > rather thick, stewy puddle of the stuff all over the place, its quite > unsightly I'm afraid. > > Any cleaning tips would be appreciated. Well, who ya gonna call? > Huckleberry Hole Worst gay bar name EVER. Not even as good as "Yogi Bear's Cave" or "Snaggleputz" or "Snorks & Poppers" or "Scooby Do Me" or "Magilla Gorilla, Now A Lesbian". I should add that all Hanna-Barbera cartoons are destined to become gay bars. That's part of the secret agenda of Hanna-Barbera, to raise a generation of gay kids who like to slide back and forth across the same background over and over while yelling "BARNEY! MY PEBBLES!" -- K. It all started with "Pie Pirates". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:07:43 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > > > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? > > > > I usually call Harvey Keitel. > > I've just realized that if I marry Harvey Keitel, my last name will be > an anagram of my first name. I think I would like that. Hmm. If my iBook hadn't broken, then Pee-wee Herman could say, "Hey Kibo! For the rest of the day, your secret name is Kibo-O! And since you love your iBook, why don't you marry it? Then your last name would be an anagram of your secret name!" but that'll never happen, because I could never love a computer that breaks so easily, especially if Pee-wee wanted me to. Also, this iBook has the industrial design of a Frigidaire from 1953, except smaller and noisier. > Hell, I could do worse than Harvey Keitel. In that movie, there would be a few worse choices (such as Quentin Tarantino The Actor, the "It's Pat" woman, extremely old Emil Sitka, and of course John Travolta) but also some better choices. For instance, medieval computer genius Ving Rhames, or the Shaftacular Samuel L. Jackson. Me, I'd go for either whats-her-name -- you know, the tomato joke woman with the Betty Page 'do -- or best of all, that guy who co-wrote "It's Pat: The Movie". -- K. Oh, and if youse ever need ta cure ya'self of any attraction ta Harvey Keitel, see him as da medieval Spanish knight in dat udder film, "Star Knight", aka "Knight of da Dragon". Yeah, a medieval knight what talks like Keitel. You gotta problem wid funny accents, toikey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:16:21 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The other side of the coin is when someone makes a post that's pretty dang > brilliant and the other brilliant people can't think of anything to say and > the pathetic wankers (raises hand) are afraid to followup to the post as it > would expose them as the pathetic wankers (raises hand) that they are. So > here you'd have a post of amazing wit, memeness and topicality with nary a > followup. This happens fairly often and the concept was explored pretty > thoroughly in a discussion of how followups are often lacking to many of > David (an ego the size of Wisconsin) Pacheco's posts, but I'm too lazy to > attempt to look up the thread as the years have had a tendency to run > together and this may have been many years ago. Also the thread may have > only occurred in my mind as planted by the alien mind control lasers, but > even with that it was an interesting discussion. BEWARE THE SKIES! > > So I suppose what I'm attempting to say is that lack of followups isn't the > sign of a less than stellar post, it's people following up to say "YOU > SUCK" that's the sign of a less than stellar post. Also, BEWARE THE SKIES! What if they say "BEWARE YOU SUCK THE SKIES!" or possibly, "HOLY SHAZBOT, THAT'S A LESS THAN STELLAR POST, AND IT'S SO LESS THAN STELLAR THAT I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH I'M A PATHETIC WANKER WHO IS CONSIDERED PATHETIC EVEN BY PATHETIC WANKERS LIKE YOU!"? And does it count if they forget to use the STUPID CAPS? Also, nobody ever follows up to my posts. I think that, from now on, whenever I receive zero or fewer responses, that everyone should be subjected to negative reinforcement. That's right, I'm going to open up your three-ring binder and put in special little "O"-shaped stickers that make it impossible for the pages to stay in place. Also, how come those little stickers survived into the twentieth century? They belong to an era that had cravats and horseradish! -- K. I miss horseradish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:46:16 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I love Quizno's, but I'm boycotting them until they get rid of those > stoopid, obnoxious, fuzz covered rat turds on their commercials that > make me want to STICK A PENCIL UP DEEP INTO MY EYESOCKET AND SWIRL IT > AROUND IN COUNTER CLOCKWISE CIRCLES! Well, if you don't like the Quizno's commercials that star the shrieking feces with the horrible facial deformities and a hatred of all humanity, then I think you're probably going to dislike that new McDonalds ad campaign where they're replaced Ronald McDonald with a singing jar of vomit. And the best part is, you probably think I'm kidding. They're putting in a Quizno's across the street from my office right now. I don't know how they can do that, given that Brookline is one of those oh-we're-so-proud-of-how-white-we-are neighborhoods that won't allow McDonalds or Dunkin' Donuts to move in because those places attract the wrong kind of customers (i.e. people who don't wear sweaters.) Other than the forthcoming Quizno's, the closest that neighborhood has ever come to discovering the concept of fast food was when they put in a Trader Joe's, and then they still required it to be installed directly behind the drive-through bank whose "BLART! BLART! BLART! BLART!" alarm goes off whenever you walk through the drive-through lane just so you have adequate warning you're about to do something stupid when you go to Trader Joe's. There used to be an International House Of Pancakes down the street, but when they changed their name to "IHOP" they were forced out of business because the locals thought that "IHOP" sounded too much like rap lingo. However, that neighborhood does have a store that sells nothing but Gravity Boots, so that's a win if you like hanging upside-down better than you like eating. -- K. Both are good, and it's a great time-saver to combine them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:28:27 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > I miss horseradish. > > In Syracuse we have these places called "grocery stores", In Boston we have an invisible weapon called '*'Sarcasm'*'. See, I was alluding to the way some things seem like they're from the nineteenth century even though we still have all the same stuff now that it's the twentieth century. > which sell a "variety" of "food items", including horseradish. > Also our across the street neighbor at our old house grows horseradish. It's probably not as kosher as the stuff I buy from the kosher supermarket over in the kosher section of town. I don't know why they bothered opening that market, though, because Boston doesn't have any Jewish people in it. > Also if you go to Clark's Ale House in Armory Square you can get a > roast beef sandwich and you can get horseradish to go on it. Wimp! I would order a horseradish sandwich with roast beef on it. > This one time? This friend of mine? He was there with a cow orker? > And they had a horseradish eating contest? And they got up to like > three tablespoons on a cracker in one mouthful and that was their > limit? And they declared it a draw? And the next morning? > He saw the cow orker? And informed her he'd changed his mind, she'd won! That isn't a complete story unless you tell me what the prize was for the winner. Was it one of those "Brady Bunch" things like "you have to be my slave for six months" like in that episode, you know the one I mean? > Or maybe you had to be there? But anyway I followed up to your post, > Kibo, so keep your filthy Klemperer-loving hands off my binders. I could never love Werner Klemperer. However, I do own the same model of tripod that was used in the final scene of "Auto Focus". So don't make me go all John Carpenter on your ass. (Sadly, I don't have a shiny, toy-like plastic Green Goblin suit to go with it.) As far as eating contests involving spicy food go, I should warn you that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. I need to get a bottle of real hot sauce (like the yellow Scotch Bonnet stuff I like) to bring into my office which is sandwiched between Trader Joe's and other places that don't sell hot sauce and barely even sell food. Trader Joe's sucks, especially if you like food you can taste. This "hot sauce" from Trader Joe's is about as weak as Tabasco. You have to bear in mind I have purchased at least three cans of that Vietnamese pepper powder with the picture of Henry Kissinger's favorite bomb on the side. Food should not just be spicy. Food should lead to screaming and running around in circles with tears squirting from one's eyes like fire hoses. Food should take one into headspace. Food should dissolve your plate so you don't have to wash it. Food should consist of a big bowl of hot sauce with a few bits of meat floating in it (the "Spice 'n' Hot" restaurant in Malden adheres to this philosophy, all their takeout consists of acid-proof polyethylene tubs of bright red liquid with unidentifiable meat bits suffering in it.) Horseradish is somewhat different in its effects compared to hot pepper. More of a tear-gas effect where the vapors make you feel like your shrivelled eyeballs are burrowing down into your sinus cavities. But hey, if you guys want to help me start a riot, I wouldn't object to being pepper-sprayed OR tear-gassed, so I can handle a little horseradish mixed in with the hot pepper. -- K. And also, I challenge everyone in the world to a bacon-eating contest. First one to eat all the bacon in the world wins! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:58:12 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in > > three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's > > just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. > > Be sure not to be tricked by the Trader Joe's sauce called the > "Scoville Scoundrel", which from the name of it sounds like it would > be ultra-hot, but it turns out to be just honey mustard sauce without > a hint of spiciness to it at all. Oh, I know. I always read the ingredients before I buy something (to make sure there's no cheese in it, always a concern at Trader Joe's.) The ingredients for this one were something like: INGREDIENTS: WATER, VINEGAR, CORN SYRUP, HOT SAUCE (HABENERO PEPPERS, WATER, VINEGAR), HONEY, MUSTARD, VANILLIN, RED DYES NUMBER ONE THROUGH NINETY-FIVE. I may be exaggerating a little, but some "hot sauce" made from habanero peppers was one of the sub-ingredients on the list, implying that Trader Joe's went to a real supermarket, bought one bottle of actual hot sauce, then watered it down to make the entire production run of the "Scoville Scoundrel". Habaneros are good. This sauce claims only to have been made from some diluted homeopathic tincture made from something made from something else that once touched a habanero. > Maybe it's called "Scoville" because, I don't know, maybe it was > invented in the same town as a Unix vendor whose headquarters is > covered in lawsuit cannons shooting lawsuits in all directions at > all times, because it sure doesn't deserve to be called that > because of spiciness. I haven't tasted it, and I never will. But I have had Pure Cap and various other hot sauces accompanied by marketing gimmicks that required me to sign waivers of liability, show proof of majority, etc. to taste them at that condiment tradeshow a couple years ago. You know, the one where I went from booth to booth saying, "Meh." -- K. Trader Joe's can kiss my spicy hot ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: it's like a Renaissance Festival, except with less bathing Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:53:10 -0500 [from apnews.excite.com] -> -> Nebraska Mayor Implements Shaving `ban' -> -> Mar 9, 11:04 AM (ET) -> -> LEXINGTON, Neb. (AP) - Beware of going whiskerless in Lexington -> these days. -> -> Lexington Mayor John Fagot has implemented a "ban" on shaving -> for every man in town older than 21. Never mind that, how does he feel about gay marriage? Or as he might spell it, gay mariage? -> Those caught clean-shaven without a shaving permit could face -> being dunked in a horse tank or other benign punishment. Mmm, the humiliating pleasure of benign punishment. Black is white! Up is down! Punishment is benign! Two and two make five! Europe has always been at war with Eastasia! -> The mayor implemented the lighthearted ban to get the town in -> the spirit of this summer's Plum Creek Days, a festival bearing -> the town's former name. One of the festival's traditional -> highlights is a beard-growing contest. At last, we've discovered a type of race more boring than the 2004 Presidential primaries. -> The not-so-consequential edict is in effect until July 5, the -> last day of the three-day festival. -> -> The ban is part of a Lexington-area tradition that began in 1939 -> with the first Plum Creek Days festival. Those wanting to shave -> can avoid being arrested and taken to Kangaroo Court by -> purchasing a special shaving permit. But they can only be purchased with old-timey wooden nickels which can only be earned by taking an old-timey job at a horehound mine while wearing old-timey underwear lined with old-timey camphor, because the olden days were wacky fun for everyone! Except the ones who died of mumps. -> Along with the shaving ban, the mayor has proclaimed all men and -> women must dress in Western or historic clothing on Fridays -> beginning in May. Also, NO BROWN LEATHER! UNLESS PART OF A COMPLETE COWBOY OUTFIT! -> Kangaroo Court will be held every Friday beginning June 4 and -> will included "trumped-up charges and fun sentencing," Fagot said. I was going to write a short story titled "Fagot's Fun Sentencing" which would be all about diagramming sentences with a Squiggle Writer, but then the phrase "trumped-up" suggested I'd have to put Donald Trump into the story, and having a gay guy in the same story as someone with that horrible hair-like hair might lead to lethal levels of cattiness, so instead I decided to write "Captain Kangaroo Court" where miscreants would be executed by having a million billion zillion Ping-Pong balls dropped on them, and if that didn't work, Bill Cosby would read PicturePages to them until their brains exploded, but that was too grim an idea to use in a story inspired by the late, sweet Bob Keeshan, so instead of writing a story about creative sentencing I settled for writing a sentence that took on a life of its own and wouldn't stop until it got to the phrase "All the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg," and that made this sentence almost as distressing as finding out that all the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg. -- K. Forget being arrested and taken to kangaroo court. I just want to be arrested by some sort of bear. Where's Smokey these days? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:50:58 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I think she was having an episode. Like Stacia. > > > > > > Stacia tends to have whole seasons. > > > > "Stacia doesn't just have issues; she has the full subscription." > > So, ask me what I had when I read the notarized eviction notice that > arrived in the mail this evening. > > Go ahead. Ask. Make sure it fits on a bumpersticker and is > accompanied by a cartoon woman with frizzy hair and bug eyes to > illustrate the point. Oh no! Now you'll have to yell "ACK!" while trying on a swimsuit every day for the rest of your life! Couldn't you at least have turned into Ziggy so that you'd never bother anyone? Ziggy never does anything, but Cathy keeps making that hairball noise! Sorry to hear about your eviction. (I've been hoping to get evicted, but it hasn't been working.) If you need a place to stay in the meantime, I can clear some of the laundry off the futon in the living room. The only TV is in my bedroom so you'll have to choose between no TV and no privacy. -- K. The futon is in the living room, because there's no space for it in the armor room. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:08:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > HOW I ALMOST GOT EVICTED AGAIN > BY LITTLE STACIA > AGE 3 MONTHS Hey! I think you might be lying about your age, you big grup! > [...] > I scraped together all but $67.00 of the rent. The manager of the > place told me that as long as you let him know what was going on and > paid the late fees, late rent was not a problem. So I dropped off rent > and a letter Friday and told them what was going on and would pay the > $67.00 plus late fees in a few days. > On Monday they sent out the notarized eviction notice. It gave me 24 > hours to pay rent and late fees or they'd sic the sheriff on me. > I knew that was not right. This is not my first eviction notice. > Remember, I was stupiderer once, and the slumlord I rented from several > years ago once tried to kick me out so she could raise the rent. Since > I'm not a lawyer I freely admit I may be misunderstanding this, but > Kansas law says if a landlord allows late rent "without reservation" > then they can't kick you out for nonpayment. And my lease allows late > rent with late fees. Holy cow. In Boston, they all say that if your rent is thirty seconds late, you get blindfolded and pushed into a vat of molten glass. > Being that I'm not a lawyer, and still a reasonable amount of stupid, > I chose to get a "payday loan" at a pawn shop paid the assholes. > But I'm not sure they could have evicted me, anyways. Look at it this way, at least it gave you an opportunity to surround yourself with the wonderful atmosphere of a pawn shop for a little while. It's like taking a vacation inside the mind of Charles Dickens. I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > I know I was late on $67.00 of the rent, and I accept that, but I was > dealing with it in the terms that are laid out in the lease, which last > I knew was legally binding. Plus I'd called the manager like a good > little girl. Threatening eviction after all that seems to be the work > of assholes. Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on moving into your apartment when they kick you out for paying your rent with money that smells like the durian wafers I keep in my wall safe to keep burglars from taking the $67 in life savings I have. That reminds me, I need to call my lawyer to find out what's going on with the class action suit against a certain assbag scumhole landlord. And by the way, I may have forgotten to mention this lately, but my building has not burned or flooded in the past week. -- K. Oh great, now I jinxed it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 00:20:02 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [pawn shops had been mentioned] > > > > I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that > > one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > > You've never been in a pawn shop? I WIN! FINALLY, SOMETHING I HAVE > DONE THAT KIBO HASN'T! (Coffee doesn't count.) Does mocha count as coffee? I had some mocha-flavored candy today, but I don't know if that counts because it has chocolate in it instead of something made from alkaloid-laden beans. > The local pawn shops were my friends for several years. My poor > guitar was in hock for the better part of a decade. I wish I were rich so I could have lots of stuff to hock to get money so I wouldn't be so poor. (Willful ignorance of the laws of logic is my friend.) > > Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, > > I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on > > moving into your apartment > > You want to live in a trailer in Kansas during storm season? > Be my guest. Sure! Does your guest room have a king-size bed or just a queen? Either way, I'll be right over, once Dave DeLaney lets me out of this car trunk. (I'm glad God sends wireless Internet access raining down from the heavens.) -- K. I think I've turned into the Al Molinaro of the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 15:14:53 -0500 Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! [from www.canoe.ca] -> -> PENTICTON, B.C. -- A man who ran naked down the street with -> blood gushing from his severed penis yesterday mutilated -> himself, said RCMP in this Okanagan city. Police received a -> report at about 2 p.m. of a man running down the street, -> screaming "Repent, repent, fornicators." -> -> The 33-year-old Penticton man, who was wearing only a tuque, O CA-NA-DA! OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM IN ALL THY SONS COM-MAND! ...hey, why am I the only one standing and singing? Come on, everyone, it's the most Canadian thing ever -- a guy with a tuque and no penis! -> was later found with his penis and testicles severed near a -> construction site. -> -> Paramedics covered the struggling, bleeding man with a sheet and -> lifted him onto a stretcher while he continued to yell. Well, of course. He'd only been yelling in English, so he had to repeat everything in French, because even a crazy guy who rips his winky off with tin snips doesn't want to go to jail for not using enough French. -> Foul play is not suspected, said RCMP. -> -> The man's severed parts were later found in his home and taken -> to hospital. -> -> It wasn't known whether surgery would be performed to re-attach them. "parts"? "them"? He had more than one penis? Somehow I find that hard to believe. Unless he was a typical Canadian fur trapper with a pocket full of moose penises. And even then, he probably would have already traded them in for a bucket of chicken at PFK. -- K. It was nice of him to put on his tuque just so he wouldn't freak anyone out by running around naked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:22:20 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! > > > > O CA-NA-DA! > > > > OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! > > > > TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM > > It's "True patriot love," you wanker. *sigh* What happened to the olden days, when it was harder to troll alt.religion.kibology regulars than regular regulars? I was going to claim that the reason for the funny lyrics was that I was singing the Quebecois version, which is the same as the Ontario version with three words changed (or four words relative to the Nunavut version) but then I got worried you'd think I was only pretending to be pretending to be an idiot. Also, I am not an idiot, although sometimes I'm not so sure it was a good idea to move to this little town in Nunavut and take up ice-fishing. It's just so hard to bait the hook because the ice cube keeps falling off. -- K. Also, only British people say "wanker", proper Canadians say "lacrosseur". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I HAD 99% IN MATH AND WAS SECOND FASTEST RUNNER IN MY GRADE SCHOOL!! WHY DID I GET "C's" in math classes??? Because Holmes, Ziobrons, Kleverings, or Kelly Boland controlled my brain so that I fell asleep in important classes!!! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 16:44:14 -0500 Oh, I've been trying to not mock the crazy folk lately (I'm a NICE guy!) but this one's too good to pass up. A week and a half ago, over on sci.psychology.misc, David Allen Kube (kube22000@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dear FBI, CIA, Police, and others: > > February 26th notes: > > [...] > 1) The past 2 or 3 days, they must have weaved the heck out of my > testicle and behind region.. Because I removed at least 100 little > filaments from my testicle and penis region, and also from my behind. Be careful not to remove the last little filament from your crotch. You need that one to pee out of. > It felt terrible.. Torturous to the point where I screamed out like a > monkey on many occasions. > > 2) The dreams and images are not as intense where I am > staying, but they still are able to access the phone modules implanted > in my head there. > > I had images of Booth, Suzy Saffron, and Carmen Mertins, and a guy > that resembles a Caris a little bit. > > And a dream of my mother last night.. > > Maybe some other dreams that I cannot remember. Tell us more about these dreams you can't remember. > 3) They have huge lower body harnesses, and they know that my entire > life - I have put a lot of importance on fitness and athletics. > > They have totally retarded my lower body with hip and shin and upper > leg harnesses. This is the line which clenched my teeth and made me go "NnnnnNNNnnGH!" for several minutes while I kept reminding myself that I'm too nice a guy to mock someone just for using the words "totally retarded" in a sentence about non-erotic lower body restraints. I expect that within a week, this person will post a crudely-drawn diagram showing the positioning of each of the 350 D-rings on the leather straps that attach to the penis filaments. > [...] > > 4) Spinal column devices or little remote control nails or screws in > my spinal column, which felt terrible yesterday and 2 days ago... But > I may recover from the spinal column devices. > > 5) The most frightening of all the devices, and most destructive that > I know go the "deepest" into the brain. > > Some sort of "little coils" going directly into my brain, and make me > pass out completely. > > I know that they have destroyed 1) at least 10 up to 25 different > jobs, and 2) thousands upon thousands of hours of class-time lowering > my consciousness to the point of not thinking or sleeping completely. > > Two people here associate with these devices... 1) That guy about > 5'7 that resembles Irish Shawn, and he controls a device in my brain > that makes me less conscious, but not totally unconscious. I felt it > about 3:20 or so this afternoon. > > and 2) The guy about 5'9 to 6'0 that resembles Tom Baker, Oh no! He used his time machine to trans-mat a bunch of jelly babies into your brain! His Tardis made you tarded! > and the little heavy girl with glasses about 5'1 to 5'2... I passed out > completely before they got onto the Space Coast bus today, Hey, leave Gary Owens out of this! He was the second best "Gong Show" host ever! > and now it is obvious that they have some sort of radar, and saw me on this > radar... Pressed the button, and I passed out like a killer... Then I > woke up 5 minutes later, and they were sitting there on the bus... > > I will say almost for certain that the device that these 2 have > implanted probably causes severe brain damage. > > and then the man about 5'8 that looked like an older or middle aged > Catholic was playing with a rubber band, and I had a dream last night > with my mom and a rubber band!!! YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY OR DESCRIBED IN ADEQUATE DETAIL FOR AN INTERNET AUDIENCE! > And the other people that may have radars are: > > 1) The shorter woman with red hair that resembles Mrs. Michaels, and > 2) The German looking girl about 5'8 that looks like an Olympic > athlete. > > Then: 3) Some very attractive young women at the Cocoa Beach library > seem to see me on this radar also. It always boils down to the nation's public library system. But I think your delusions are more creative than Don Saklad's. I mean, he never talks about being retarded by "Doctor Who". > So it all may be separate: > > 1) The Hispanics controlling the Spinal Column, I don't think I need to ask what group controls the foreskin. > 2) The terrible electric coils going into my brain by 1) Irish Shawn > and 2) the guy that resembles Tom Baker; and I do not know what Police > Department or Health care system or military organization or religion > that they are representing. They look like 2 Jehovahs witnesses to > me(The Tom Baker resemblance and the short girl with glasses). Never mind Tom Baker, what we need to know is, how are the Daleks involved? Especially the ones with the toilet plungers for hands? > 3) The group "weaving my testicle region" torturing me.. That's what you get for joining Sy Sperling's Pubic Hair Club For Men. > With the terrible remote control lower body harnesses totally retarding > my lower body. > > I had a lower body very fast, and perfect for sports. Strong legs and > calves. > > 4) The attractive Italian looking woman and the "ace"(resembling the > girl next door in Tate in Fall of 1988 that looked German or Swedish) > that see me on radar. > > 5) The different imagers and video projection devices, that I know > connect to Booth, Holmes and Boulard, Bloomberg, Elliott, and Dan > Winterbottom, and maybe some other people. And to Heavy Jim, Saffron, > and Windiate(Irish Catholics). If you need to stick me into your theory somewhere, I look sort of like what a 1950's Hell's Angel would have looked like in Viking days if the Vikings had been Canadian and really nerdy except that I'm not Canadian and also I dress more like a biker than real bikers do. I hope this clears things up for you -- I'm not trying to retard you or anything. -- K. Now I must go put on my seven-million-mile-long scarf, for I am off to the Viking era! VWORP VWORP VWORP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A stunningly weird commercial. Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 17:02:16 -0500 I just saw an ad for a prescription heartburn medication. The wife is pouring gravy on her husband's meat loaf. In mid-air, it changes to a stream of steel pushpins. They freeze in mid-air and the camera circles around them like in "The Matrix", only weird. Everyone else at the table is happily chatting and completely ignoring the guy's terrified expression as he attempts to eat a plate of meat loaf covered with pushpins. He picks up a forkful of meat and spikes pop out, in extreme close-up. So, why the hell doesn't he divorce her? -- K. And how is this pill supposed to make his family stop ignoring him? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, Saskatchewan's got rubes! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 14:53:21 -0500 [from www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Sask.'s bid to be capital of American culture ends Saskatchewan... capital... of... American... CULTURE? Oh, man. Someone's been smoking some really wacky permafrosted tobaccy. Sorry, Ottawa is already the capital of North America. And everyone knows that the capital of Regular America is New York. -> By JULIAN BRANCH -> Canadian Press -> -> REGINA -- Saskatchewan said no thanks yesterday to an -> international group that has designated the province the -> American Capital of Culture for 2005. -> -> It turns out the Spanish-based organization of the same name -> wanted $500,000 (U.S.) to pay for an international promotional -> package to extol the virtues of Saskatchewan's "great cultural -> tradition in the editorial and audiovisual sectors, as well as -> in folk art and visual arts." -> -> Saskatchewan Culture spokesman Bryon Burnett said the province -> learned of the fee only on Wednesday when he exchanged e-mails -> with American Capital of Culture president Xavier Tudela. But unfortunately, he had already committed to a deal with those nice Nigerians who had asked him to help them transfer some funds. I love this. A whole freakin' province getting suckered by a spam scam. "Dear Saskatchewan, if you pay us $500,000 (Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) we will mail you a laminated wallet card saying you are not rubes, you rubes." -> "A lot of this has just become clear in the last little while," -> he said. "Just yesterday is when we really understood that there -> was an expectation from the organization that we now had to buy, -> if I can use those quotes, the designation." No, you "can't" use those "air quotes" because the reporter didn't write them "down" when you "made them" with your "hands" while talking to the reporter on the "phone". On second thought, you can use them. But it'll cost you $500,000. Payable in U.S. dollars. To Spain. Via E-mail. -> Mr. Burnett said there was no mention of money for promotion -> when the province applied for the honour last year to coincide -> with Saskatchewan's centennial in 2005. The province is seeking -> a refund of the $3,000 application fee it paid. Dee dee dee dee deedle dee dee deet deet dee dee deedle dee-deet-deet DUH!!!!! -> By doing an about face, Saskatchewan joins a couple of North -> American cities in turning down the designation. -> -> Several years ago, Toronto declined an invitation to apply for -> the title after it discovered the group wanted $425,000 up front. The $75,000 discount was because Toronto was discovered to actually contain traces of culture. Of course, that was mitigated by it also containing the Hockey Hall Of Fame, but still, at least Toronto has a subway. Does Saskatchewan even have any cities in it? I think Saskatchewan's only contribution to culture was that it was mentioned in a song in "The Muppet Movie" -- a sarcastic mention in passing by a wad of felt doesn't quite make Saskatchewan more important than, say, Flint, Michigan. -> Austin, Tex., had a similar experience: It was selected to be -> the American Capital of Culture for 2004 but backed out, citing -> concerns over expenses. I'll wager the good people over in Arlen will apply for the honor. -> A news release from the organization stated that Mr. Tudela -> planned to travel to Regina in the coming weeks to meet with -> Premier Lorne Calvert and sign a formal agreement. -> -> The Opposition Saskatchewan Party wants to know how the process -> got as far as it did. -> -> "The city of Toronto didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. The city of Austin didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. It smells stinky and we shouldn't be touching it with a -> 10-foot pole, as far as I'm concerned," culture critic Jason -> Dearborn said. This is one of the fundamental differences between the United States and Canada. In the U.S., heated political debate consists of people screaming "DIE FAGS DIE!!! BURN IN HELL!!!" with clouds of red spittle coming up from the bottoms of their lungs, while in Canada, it consists of a "culture critic" using the phrase "it smells stinky" in a sentence. -> Mr. Dearborn brandished a copy of a 2001 Colombian newspaper -> article about the organization's activities in South America -> with the headline: Escandolo en Colombia -- Spanish for "Scandal -> in Colombia." Colombia's half the capital of America, if spelling doesn't count and there's some other country named "Districtof". (I think the IMF once sent Martin Landau and Barbara Bain to infiltrate it and steal their weather machine.) -> He said the issue is about using due diligence and keeping a -> tight rein on tax dollars. -> -> "Are we going to be thankful that the Minister of Finance isn't -> floating Saskatchewan bonds through Nigerian bank accounts, DING DING DING! Give Mr. Dearborn the prize for being the person in Saskatchewan who has a clue! Dear Saskatchewan, I will give you this lovely certificate, suitable for framing, saying "One Person In My Province Has a Clue" absolutely free for only $500,000 (United States Dollars Only.) I accept PayPal, sent to my business name, J873X284B029asdadf@hotmail.com. -> or that the Minister of Health hasn't bumped into any travelling -> medicine show salesmen? This is just ridiculous," Mr. Dearborn said. -> -> Mr. Tudela responded to Saskatchewan's decision to forgo the -> designation in an e-mail to The Canadian Press. -> -> "We do not understand the situation. It's incredible!" he wrote. -> "Thank you for your message, but I do not [respond to] any -> declaration before receiving an official letter of the -> Government of Saskatchewan. Regards, Xavier Tudela." -> -> Santiago, Chile, is the current American Capital of Culture. -> In the past, the designation has gone to Panama City, Maceio in -> Brazil and Merida in Mexico. Let's make a new rule: You can't even _pretend_ to be the American Capital of Culture unless you're a city that people in America might have ever heard of. I'm saying, Schenectady or better. -> Saskatchewan didn't pull out of the program fast enough to avoid -> some international applause. The Irish city of Cork, the -> European Capital of Culture for 2005, has sent a message of -> congratulations to Saskatchewan on being elected the American -> Capital of Culture 2005. Does sarcasm belong in international diplomacy? I agree with Cork in saying, hell yeah! Sock it to them, Cork! Woo, Sask, you got Corked! -> Mr. Calvert and Culture Minister Joan Beatty were not -> immediately available for comment. I'll comment on their behalf for a mere $100,000. In cash. With no hockey players printed on the money. -- K. I apologize to all my friends in Saskatchewan. Please don't sic your pet moose on me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most versitle substance in the universe Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:17:18 -0500 In sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > I think coleslaw is the most varying substance in the universe. > > Sometimes its too creamy... sometimes its not creamy enough. Depending > on where you go you could get really good coleslaw, or really bad > coleslaw. > > The runner up is New England Style Clam Chowder. What about that mysterious substance that forms at the interface between the White Castle patty and the bun? It might be solid, liquid, gaseous, or some sort of Bose-Einstein Congealate, depending on how hard you think about putting it into your mouth. Other substances that vary a lot include cheap takeouts' hot and sour soup, and boogers, although the problem of boogers might be related to the problem of the White Castle goop. Science needs to work on this. Write your congressperson, especially if they're not a scientist. -- K. I love White Castles, but I hate not knowing which state of matter they are. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:19:08 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > mother's faux butter flavored spray. We'd run around the house > squirting each other while shouting in bad Fabio accents, "I can't > believe it's not butter... LIGHT!" *squirt* *squirt* *squirt* You know, when the airline records relating to Michael Jackson's in-flight demands surfaced recently (the ones about him always wanting a Coke can filled with white wine) it turned out that one of the only things he's willing to eat is mashed potatoes "with spray-on butter". He actually insists on that stuff. So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. I'm glad you outgrew it and moved on to kinks that are okay and don't make the house smell like the floor of a movie theater. Please tell me you never made the mistake of getting the weird facial surgery that goes with the spray-butter fetish. Around 1991 or so, I saw squirt guns for sale that came with scented fluid -- including liquid butter -- so that kids could spray stinky stuff all over other people and their family's prized possessions. At the time, I declared these to be the worst toys of all time. And I still haven't found any toys with less reason to exist. I've found ones with deadly sharp edges, I've found ones that teach kids they're stupid, I've found ones that fall apart before you get them home, but I've never seen any other toys as likely to get kids punched out (or their parents sued) as squirt guns filled with movie theater butter. -- K. Any my apologies to all celebrities who have made themselves hideously deformed through surgery: Michael Jackson, Jocelyn Wildenstein, and William Shatner in that one "Star Trek" episode where he got the pointy ears. I apologize for mocking the sensible choice you made to redesign your faces to look like bat barf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:47:53 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > > > mother's faux butter flavored spray. > > > > So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased > > kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. > > Kids? We were 25. I think I even posted about it here on ARK at the > time, or soon after. Oh, I wasn't paying much attention to alt.religion.kibology back then, I was busy watching the premiere of "Happy Days". I mean, watching the Watergate hearings. Phew, I almost revealed I wasn't politically savvy back when I was six. > Also, I'd like to apologize profusely for worrying, offending, or > entertaining anyone with last night's round of posts. I seem to have > hit the manic phase of sleep deprivation. Let's just all pretend I > didn't tell anyone about spraying my friends with butter, having sex > with ferns, or talking to a zombie Werner Klemperer. > Again. You can swallow a pint of liquid butter before you get sick. -- K. Can I get Werner Klemperer in fernflower blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A strange new novelty beverage. Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:24:40 -0500 I saw something odd on sale at Stop & Shop, and I didn't recall having seen it mentioned here before, so I bought a bottle for you people. It's a new(ish) novelty beverage which is sufficiently weird that it's almost to the level of an everyday Taiwanese beverage. Weird-looking bottle, weird flavor, and weird merchandising tie-in. Powerade is Coca-Cola's clone of Gatorade (with a slightly more metallic price.) In Canada, Powerade is everywhere (and is the official sports drink of the NHL) but in the U.S., Gatorade is dominant (which is fine by me, because I like Gatorade, even on days when I'm not dominant.) The hot new flavor of Powerade ("new" being a relative term because it's a tie-in for a movie which already flopped) is: The Matrix Reloaded Powerade. What flavor is it? The Matrix Reloaded flavor. Now re-issued with a little sticker that says "OWN IT ON DVD 10.03" to explain why they're still trying to sell it even though the sequel after that already came and went on the big screen. Looking at the back of the bottle (which is shaped like it should be full of detergent) reveals "natural black cherry, lime, and anise flavors." Oh, great. It's candy-plus-freakin'-licorice flavor. This is going to taste horrid. Opening the bottle... Hmm. Doesn't seem to have any flavor. I can taste some sugar, but it doesn't even have the nasty chemical taste of regular Powerade, so maybe they left out the special chemicals that make Powerade the official sports drink of Canadians who like to break necks. There is a faint hint of some sort of fruit punch flavor, not enough for me to be able to identify the flavor, just enough to let me know that if I could taste this it would taste bad. Uh oh, the aftertaste just crept up on me. Okay, it's super-weak fruit punch flavor with a nasty licorice aftertaste. Also it looks like after-shave except in a detergent bottle. My verdict: This tastes worse than Keanu Reeve's hair gel tastes after a long sweaty slow-motion fight scene. Or so I would assume. I think I can safely assume that this green stuff tastes worse than imaginary stinky scalp sweat. You have to admire the ingenuity of the Coca-Cola corporation in inventing a beverage which tastes repulsive even though I can barely tell it has a flavor at all. In short, ecch. -- K. And I didn't see the movie, either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Junk food in the news Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:42:58 -0500 [from www.twincities.com] -> -> MINNESOTA: State wants buying limits on food stamps -> -> BY PATRICK HOWE -> Associated Press -> -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called -> junk foods. But... candy bars and soda are two of the four food groups in Minnesota! How will people survive on nothing but lutefisk and lefse? -> If the U.S. Agriculture Department approves the plan, -> Minnesota's welfare program would be the first in the nation to -> impose its own restrictions on the food recipients buy with -> their benefits. Let me guess, they think welfare recipients should only be allowed to buy those dented cans of stuff nobody else wanted before it got dented. This means lots of creamed corn that's turned brown. And lutefisk that's hardened like plaster. -> The change wouldn't take effect for at least a year. It would -> have to pass the Legislature, where some anti-poverty activists -> oppose it as a mean-spirited intrusion into the cupboards of the -> poor. I wish I could afford a cupboard, let alone one big enough to have a mean-spirited intrusion. -> In a letter sent Monday, the Human Services Department described -> the effort as part of a broader statewide effort to improve -> eating habits. -> -> "It is inconsistent to encourage healthy nutrition and -> simultaneously allow the purchase of candy and soft drinks with -> food stamps," Assistant Commissioner Maria Gomez wrote in the -> letter. Then she left the room for a bathroom break, and enjoyed using the three seashells. -> The proposal seeks to skirt the task of deciding which foods are -> healthy and which aren't by sticking to a definition already in -> state tax law. -> -> Minnesota does not tax most store-bought foods but it does tax -> candies and soda. The proposal would extend those definitions to -> what would be allowed under the food stamp program. -> -> Even those definitions get tricky. Watch out! The definition is behind you! -> The state, for example, taxes Hershey's bars but not Kit Kat -> bars -- because anything made with flour isn't considered a -> candy. It taxes coffee drinks that are sweetened but not those -> that contain milk. It taxes gum but not licorice. It taxes -> marshmallows but not ice cream bars. It taxes beer nuts but not -> regular nuts. It taxes Gatorade but not near beer. It taxes -> juices that are less than half real juice but not those that are -> more. MY BRAIN HURTS! AND I'M HUNGRY! -> When Pawlenty first announced the idea as part of a -> welfare-reform effort, he acknowledged it would be tricky to -> define which foods are "junk." When pressed for an example, he -> said then he expected potato chips would be banned. -> -> Chips, though, wouldn't be banned under the state plan. What about broken ones with toxic green edges? I'd ban those. Any potato chip maker that sells me a bag with one of those should be shot. -> Last year, Human Services Commissioner Kevin Goodno said the -> idea came from listening to complaints that people in the -> grocery check-out lines were buying pricey snacks with their -> food support debit cards. I have a better idea, which comes from the mental image of well-off jerks being forced to wear ball gags. -> In an interview Thursday, Gomez took a different tack, -> describing the idea as part of a larger public health battle -> against obesity. -> -> "I really would be very concerned about using this as some kind -> of a putdown for the poor," she said, noting that the state -> departments of Health and Education also are working on -> nutrition plans. -> -> Colleen Moriarty, executive director of Hunger Solutions, which -> represents Minnesota food banks, said it would be better to try -> to educate food stamp recipients about nutrition. Why not just make the glue on the back of the stamps more nutritious so that people can just lick them instead of spending them? -> Lawrence Rudman, spokesman for the USDA regional office in -> Chicago, said no other states have asked for a similar waiver. -> Minnesota would be the first. -> -> Recipients of food stamps cannot use them to buy paper products, -> household supplies, liquor or tobacco products, or hot foods, -> such as rotisserie chickens. Wait... I'm confused. So I can't use food stamps to buy White Castles unless they're cold and aren't the kind that don't contain flour when it's dark on Tuesday, in which case the player to the dealer's left can't bring tweezers onto the plane unless they can transform into a toy robot which can't be carbonated in which case Double Secret Probation will be called in a Boomerang Zone causing the Earth to spin the wrong way which makes time go backwards repealing all laws and cancelling out all the conclusions I just drew, but does this mean I can or can't put chocolate fudge on my White Castles? -- K. They're good with raspberry jam, so I bet they'd be really good with raspberry fudge or chocolate jam. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 14:34:38 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the > > > -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from > > > -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called > > > -> junk foods. > > > > Oh for the love of Christ. [...] Do people really have nothing > > better to do than to take comfort foods away from poor people? Well, sometimes they stop to take candy away from babies. Then they give it back. Then they take it away again. > > You know, if you're on food stamps, my guess is a pint of > > Ben & Jerry's is a real fukken treat. > > And it's worse than that, because soft drinks are cheaper than milk, > juice and other healthier beverages. Unless you go to Trader Joe's, where everything is $2.99. Incidentally, at my local supermarkets, such as the Stop & Shop around the corner, everything is horribly expensive these days. $2.19 for a can of chili. $4.59 for a box of six White Castles. Swanson's TV dinners cover the $2.99 to $5.99 (yes, $5.99) range. Don't even ask about Cheerios. Food prices have exploded recently, especially in big cities. And I live in a _poor_ neighborhood in a big city. (Mission Hill is _not_ the most affluent part of Boston.) > > No, that's only for people who make an honest living! Then we'll make > > fun of you because you're fat. Poor and fat, that's too many things to > > make fun of. Can't have that. > > I seem to recall anecdotes or news stories about how people discovered > that elderly folk who had little money were buying pet food and eating > that instead. THIS WAS HORRIBLE! SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. SO the price > of canned pet food was raised to discourage its purchase as food for > humans. I know, it's a lot cheaper just to buy canned hash and tell the person you're feeding them dog food. > I'm actually surprised, though. It's my experience that the USA makes it > frighteningly easy for the poor to have horrendous diets. That's what's good about the United States! We live in a country which makes it easy to eat whatever the fuck you want! > > Anyone else notice that the "you suck because you're fat" news > > articles are almost daily now? What with being a hippy Commie pinko > > lardass, I read these articles, and am usually amused at the complete > > lack of facts in them. Almost all of the articles have some low-level > > government lackey quoted as saying, "Fat causes depletion of the ozone > > layer". > > I heard that being fat promotes terrorism and masturbation, and that fat > people are responsible for the impending collapse of the global oil > supply, because they use so much more gas to drive around. > > Mind you, I'm all for having healthier options for eating, but not by > telling people "YOU ARE THE DEVIL BECAUSE YOUR BMI IS OVER > 25%!!!111!!!bangbangoneoneonebang" and hoping people will say "well, > shucks, I am the devil. I guess I'd better turn vegan and wear white > linen at all times." It's nearly impossible to be vegan in the U.S. All "vegetarian" restaurant items and convenience foods are loaded with cheese. The only way to be truly vegan is to either eat only at vegan- approved restaurants (things with "mung" and "bean" in their name) or cook your own food. And nobody wants to cook -- I predict that within five years, the average house won't even come equipped with a kitchen, just a little microwave set into the side of the home entertainment center styled to look like something from "Star Trek" (the show that taught us all to be happy with meals consisting of a tray with an empty Styrofoam cup and random cubes of green and orange kitchen sponges.) > > I guess they figure fat people aren't exactly going to rise up and > > revolt. > > The problem with many government officials is that they think the best > way to change things is by forcing them to change, not by trying to work > with people. This is perhaps because people are abstract things to them, > defined in textbooks and academic studies. But I _am_ an abstract thing. At least when I'm dressed certain ways. > It's similar to the phenomenon of MBAs and second lieutenants. Why, was there some police charity basketball game I should know about? -- K. I'm an abstract thing, and proud of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Warning to cat owners. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 00:22:37 -0500 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Bewarned Gold Bond medicated creme is kitty crack. I suppose that sooner or later someone had to find a use for it. Also, now we know you're elderly. So, how do you feel about Bromo-Seltzer and Rich Chocolate Ovaltine? > I dabbed some on a small rash like spot that turned up on my belly > today and the damn GiftCat tried to eat my shirt with me still wearing it. > She then attempted do a headstand on my belly, I have no idea what that > was about. It either makes her incredibly horny or it smells like > something that needs to be killed, not sure which, maybe both. It means you bought a tube of cod liver lard, gramps. > On the bright side I think maybe a dab or two on the scratching post might > finally get her to attack it, instead of the furniture. This theory has not > been tested yet. You could try smearing everything in the house except you with it. Or better yet, just tie a stick to the cat's collar so that a sprig of catnip is perpetually six inches in front of the cat, then watch the cat go catnuts. I like cats, but thank you for reminding me why I don't have a cat. -- K. I have two dogs in the oven. It's okay, they're kosher. I also paid a lot for a big kosher cervelat. Why does cervelat cost so much? It's just pepperoni with a nicer flavor and less pork! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:26:40 -0500 [from www.wlox.com] -> -> Sheriff accused of having handcuffs removed from boy with torch -> -> Lincoln, Nebraska-AP -- A rural Nebraska sheriff is being sued -> for having a pair of handcuffs removed from a student, with a torch. -> -> The student had been handcuffed by Sheriff Larry Donner -- who -> had been invited to speak at a Burwell High School. -> -> The lawsuit claims the handcuff key broke and sheriff had a -> welding shop remove the cuffs with a torch. Those keys do that, especially on the cheap five-dollar handcuffs they sell in the toy department of every supermarket in the world. This is why they always give you two keys (whether you're buying real or toy handcuffs.) Also, most real cuffs take the same keys (after all, the officer who locks them on might not be the same officer who takes them off) so finding a spare handcuff key should be pretty simple unless you're in some podunk town where the only law enforcement is one guy with one key who threw away his spare key and has some sort of brain damage that makes him think an acetylene torch is better for use on metal next to skin compared to, say, a hacksaw. -> The lawsuit claims the torch caused third-degree burns to Seth -> Barrett's wrist, which later required surgery. ...which, hopefully, was not performed by the only doctor in town, with a Weed-Whacker. -> An attorney for the boy's parents says the theme of the lawsuit -> is, 'What were you thinking?' I'd so love to be that lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, WHAT THE FUCK? I rest my case." -> It seeks damages from the sheriff, the school and its welding shop. What about the handcuff company for equipping those cuffs with the shoddy, fragile key when the sheriff bought them at the supermarket? -> Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ooh, I'm scared. Go ahead and put the cuffs on me. _I_ have eight keys (not counting the ones I've broken) and a Dremel tool for emergencies. (Also sometimes I can get out of cuffs without needing any tools, but you're not supposed to know that.) Oh that happy note, I was going to sign off, but then I found a more detailed account: [from officer.com] => => Nebraska Sheriff Sued Over Handcuff Incident => => KEVIN O'HANLON => Associated Press => => LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) -- A rural Nebraska sheriff who spoke to a => high school class handcuffed a student and broke the key, then => had a welding shop remove the cuffs with a torch, severely => burning the 17-year-old, the student's parents claim. => => The torch caused third-degree burns to Seth Barrett's wrist, => which later required surgery, Barrett's parents said in a => lawsuit filed this week in U.S. District Court. => => "The theme of this lawsuit is `What were you thinking?"' said => Maren Chaloupka, attorney for Barrett's father, Elmer Barrett. => => According to the lawsuit, Garfield County Sheriff Larry Donner => was invited to speak to a Burwell High School class by his wife, => who is a teacher, on May 13, 2002. Let me guess. She also has funny burns on her arms too? => After his talk, Donner allowed some of the students to play with => his handcuffs and Donner "handcuffed Seth as part of that => horseplay," according to the lawsuit. And here we see right where the dividing line is between "horseplay" and "pony play". I will wager a riding crop was involved a few dozen times. => After breaking off the key while trying to remove the handcuffs, => the suit alleges Donner took Barrett to a welding shop and had => the cuffs removed with a plasma cutter -- an arc welder used to => cut metal. Yep, welding and cutting are the same thing. Especially when they're on your wrist. => Donner then took Barrett to a local medical clinic, where he => authorized treatment and the administration of a prescription => drug for the burns, according to the lawsuit. Barrett's parents => did not learn of the incident until Donner brought the boy home => later that day, the lawsuit said. So what's the kid complaining about? He got a free ride in a cop car! I'm sure his hands will grow back someday. => The lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, accuses the => central Nebraska county, the school and the welding shop of => failing to protect the boy. It accuses Donner, his wife and the => welding shop of interfering with the Barretts' parental rights => by making decisions for their son's health and welfare. Hell yeah on all of those. If nothing else, the welding shop's teacher/foreman/overseer/goon/whatever should be fired for not telling Sheriff Lobo that you don't melt metal that's touching skin. I mean, part of cutting metal involves heating it past red-hot, yellow-hot, white-hot, etc. And I think scientists have recently discovered that when you get part of a piece metal hot, the rest of the metal gets kind of warm too. And think about this: After charring one of the kid's wrists to a crisp, nobody thought of switching to a hacksaw for the other wrist. I imagine the kid screaming "PLEASE TRY THE HACKSAW!" and the sheriff yelling "SHUT UP, KID, OR I'LL WELD YOUR BRACES TOGETHER!" I know the kid would suggest that because most 17-year-olds are smarter than most Nebraska sheriffs. => Bill Wright, the attorney for the school, and Vince Valentino, => who represents Garfield County, declined comment. Dan Placzek, => the lawyer for the welding shop, Stalker Machine Inc., did not => return a call seeking comment. It was not immediately known => who was representing the Donners. But hopefully the sheriff will be punished by Spanker Machine, Inc. -- K. So what brand of handcuffs WERE these, and how did the sheriff lose the spare key? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 21:30:00 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So what brand of handcuffs > > WERE these, and how did the > > sheriff lose the spare key? > > He. Broke. The. Key. Off. In. The. Lock. > > The spare key wouldn't do any good. With the key broken in the lock, > what they should have done was weld a thin rod to the remaining part > of the key, then turned it to unlock the handcuffs. That would have > avoided this entire messy affair. > > It's all in the details, people. Uh, Kevin, I am pretty sure I have more experience with broken handcuff keys than you do. You are confusing handcuffs with your house's front door or something else large enough to have tumblers and non-identical keys. A typical handcuff key is a little tube with a tiny tooth at one end, like an old-timey skate key. In fact, they _are_ just old-timey skate keys. The little tooth is the only thing there is to break off. It doesn't jam the lock or anything, because handcuffs are just a sandwich of two pieces of sheet metal with a catch between them, the key's broken tooth just rattles around and falls out. The now- toothless key just slides right out. Here's the most commonly-seen type of cuff key around here: ####### ########### #### #### ## <-- larger than actual size ###### ##################### #### #### ########### ####### You have to understand that these things are designed to be as cheap as possible to make, and they have to be identical (so that officer Y can unlock you if officer X locks you up) so the keys are just miniature skeleton keys. These things wouldn't even have been considered high-tech in the era of "Beowulf". The "lock" is just a ratchet, turning the key pushes the clutch away from the ratchet. (The key I drew above is for the relatively fancy "double-locking" cuffs, where the spike on the tail of the key can be poked into a little hole to immobilize the ratchet so that strugling won't accidentally tighten the cuffs further.) These locks aren't hard to pick, given that there are no tumblers or anything. (That was one of many things Houdini didn't tell his audiences -- handcuffs have never had good locks.) Trust me, breaking off a key in a handcuff does not in any way impair using the backup key in the same lock (with the exception of certain unusual types of manacles and so on.) Been there, done that. If you don't believe me, come over here and I'll lock you up, break off one of the keys, and then you'll get to choose whether I should bother trying to use the backup key before you decide to ask me to cut off your hands to get you out. -- K. And that little spike on the tail of the key? That has two purposes. You don't want to know what the second one is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Kibo. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:37:35 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Who the hell is Kibo? > > Isn't he that guy who used to star in porn videos? Then had his > picture on the box of soap powder until they found out that he was > not, in fact, "Pure As The Driven Snow"? And then he got a part in a > prime-time TV show a few years back, hoping that everyone had > forgotten his porn star days? But it was too late because he had > already published a book about his whole sordid life? > > That Kibo? There's only one. Also, stand way back when opening the book, because it's a pop-up book. Stand at least fifteen inches away. [in another article] Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Isn't he the guy who had all those big hotels? And he was, like, > really mean to people? Until he got arrested? And they made a movie > about that? And everybody hated him, but that was okay, because he got > to be the King of Mean? > > That Kibo? There's still only one. And it wasn't a movie, it was a pop-up book. And I prefer the titles "King Of Terror" and "Abstract Thing". -- K. Or maybe "Blade Ruiner". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Kibo. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:41:38 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Who the hell is Kibo? > > Isn't he that guy who moved to Philadelphia with two cents in his > pocket? And couldn't hold down a job? He worked as a printer for > awhile? Then for the post office? And the library? And sold bifocals? > Wasn't he involved with electricity or something? And I think he > signed some legal document complaining about the way his landlord > treated people? And there was some big fuss over that? > > That Kibo? He's dead, man. Yeah, but I was resurrected three days later, because I had taken a whole lot of steroids and Tylenol before they crucified me so I was really just faking it, just like in that Mel Gibson movie where if you look closely, in the background, you can see a bunch of Munchkins taking people down from crosses and strapping them into electric chairs. -- K. Also, in my opinion, Ben Franklin was a pervert even if you don't count that he was "involved with electricity" at least once a night.