From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Den-Mother Tam Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 01:53:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] I always appreciate attempts to make me fit into normal, > healthy society. No, Stacia's nice, really, she's just pretending > to be maladjusted and unpleasant. Sure. The truth of the matter is > I'm an angry xenophobic bitch with the social skills of a cabbage. > I really wish I was good at something else, but I'm not. The hate's > all there is. I don't dance, folks, this is it. You're learning, but you still need practice. This is how you do it: STACIA Let's pretend! Watch me pretend to be cruel. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA Just sit in this chair and I'll tie you up and pretend I'm mean. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Okay! STACIA There, you're all tied up. And I lied. I'm not pretending. I really am the most evil person you'll ever meet. Also, the last person you'll ever meet. Don't go anywhere while I go fetch my chainsaw. OBNOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR Hey, you tricked me! CURTAINS. -- K. (Been there, done that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:21:22 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, even if I don't have the > > foggiest idea about what a "pectroglove" could possibly be. > > In merricker, Pectro is a brand name for a kind of chcemical treatment for > granite to fill in little fissures. That's all I know about this new > troubling thing you mention. Oh, so they'd be gloves that would seal up any cracks you touched. Nothing kinky about that. But do me a favor, before try any preversions with those gloves, could you massage Roy Scheider's face? Last I saw, he had several dozen of the Marianas Trench under his makeup. Some of those crevices threaten to go clear through his face to the other side, which might make his head fall apart, and probably very little candy would come out. -- K. There's still a chance they might put "seaQuest" back on the air if we all write letters to NBC. Be sure to demand the return of the entire original cast, just in case NBC has secretly invented a way of reviving people killed by the deadly curse of "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Also, have I mentioned lately... Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:39:40 -0500 [concerning rock band names about the electrified gloves I wish I had right now] Scott Burley (scottburley@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > I like "Electrified Pectrogloves" better, > > > > > > I'd go with "Glove Zap". > > > > Didn't the B-52's sing that? On the Simpsons? > > Glove zap! Baby, glove zap! Oh, now I understand what I said. Gee, I didn't realize I said something vaguely pun-like until you guys dumbed it down for me. Maybe someone else should follow up and explain that "zap" sounds like "slap" and "glove" sounds like "love" so that then I can make a "Yellow Submarine" reference and we can also watch that somehow manage to simultaneously spiral down the drain while going over people's heads. For future reference: EVERYTHING I SAY IS INCREDIBLY CLEVER, UNTIL YOU GUYS TURN IT INTO A DIAGRAM OF EXACTLY WHAT I SAID WHEN I SAID IT. Now stay there a moment while I get my chain-mail gauntlets, a car battery, a soldering iron, and some unbreakable wire available only to NASA. -- K. Today I'm only PRETENDING to be in a vicious mood! That way I can really focus on being very very vicious! Because today, I'm actually quite vivacious! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two things about my afternoon... Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 03:32:55 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > First of all, I put a wooden crate in which a bunch of oranges were > > once packaged in into the recycling bin. My downstairs neighbours > > subsequently placed the box in front of my door along with a post-it > > note that said "Not for recycle." WELL THEN FUKKEN THROW IT IN THE > > TRASH YOU FUKKEN IDIOTS!!! > > You don't get it. You're supposed to WASTE YOUR ENTIRE REMAINING LIFE > SORTING *GARBAGE*! Also, they actually want you to *WASH* your garbage > before sorting it or the "recycling" "people" will "have" to throw away the > entire day's catch of GARBAGE, like they don't just take it ALL to the > landfill anyway, after charging the city for special recycling trucks and > special recycling "technicians". > > I secretly want recycling ROOMBAS on all city streets on RECYCLING DAY. I secretly want bloodstains on all city streets on recycling day. Whoops, did I say "secretly"? I meant "openly". And did I say "I want"? I meant "Bert & Ernie want". You know, because they're the Leopold & Loeb of "Sesame Street". And did I say "on recycling day"? I meant "whenever there's nothing good on TV". Also, "Sesame Street" isn't any good any more. Me, I would've just put the crate by the neighbor's door with a second Post-It note below the first, saying, "I tried to recycle this but someone put a Post-It note on it which made it ecologically unfriendly because of the solvent-based synthetic rubber cement on the Post-It, which if recycled would ruin the environment for everyone, even annoying jerk neighbors who stick their Post-It notes on my private garbage! Stop nitpicking my recycling efforts unless you're Captain Planet, in which case, EAT GARBAGE AND DIE, YOU STUPID CARTOON COMMUNIST!" -- K. I don't take no crap, or crates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:27:53 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > OK, so this has got me thinking...just what is the gayest color? I thought > mauve was pretty gay, but lavender is a tough contender. All the shades of > purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, and plum. > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > And then there's chartreuse, we can't forget chartreuse. And fuchsia. And > turquoise. Pink is somewhat gay, but baby girls have a death-grip on pink, > so they win that battle. > > Hmmm, it seems most of the really gay colors are relatives of the primary > colors. Not too many earth tones. Like khaki. Is there any color less > gay than khaki? Wait, what color is the color of vomit? Vomit is the > least gay thing I can think of. In fact, vomit is the least of anything I > can think of, except for vomit, in which case vomit is the *most*. > > Please excuse me now, I think I just made myself ill. The gayest color is any color that's not black. Because black is the butch one. -- K. Also gay: All iMac, iBook, iPod, and New Beetle colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo Subject: Re: Huemosexuality Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 14:09:03 -0500 Geoduck (geoduck42@REMOVETHIShotmail.com) wrote: > > Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All the shades of purple are gay, of course, including lilac, violet, > > and plum. > > Except for "Bruise Purple", which is confident in its heterosexuality. Um... uh... it doesn't work that way. I mean, you can't get bruised straight. Trust me on this, I've done the experiments. > > mmmMMMMMmm, plummmm. > > Now I'll never be able to play Clue again without feeling dirty. > Thanks a lot. Think about the phrase "in the library with a candlestick" a few times. And don't even ask what's happening "in the billiard room with rope". -- K. Oddly, the Japanese version of Clue doesn't have a lead pipe, it has shoes. Also, the candlestick is a trunk. Japanese murder games are kinky! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:45:09 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > 50's, right? Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and fell off the planet. > Anyways, I heartily endorse this product, especially on the stupid > low-flow crapper my landlady had installed in my apartment a few > months ago. Uh... Tom... that's your juicer. > Firearms and kitchen utensils should be cleaned after every use, > toilets should not. Even if they're used for the same thing? -- K. And what other '50s invention makes glossy centerfold pages so shiny and stain-resistant? Heflon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 13:48:06 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. > > Sure, but in an infinite Universe, there necessarily must be a planet > consisting of seventeen billion replicas of Kibo strapped with Velcro > to an enormous ball of Wensleydale, and you don't see anyone trying to > synthesize THAT. > > Not outside weapons labs, anyway. Velcro? You could pull free of Velcro if you wanted to. That's why it's no fun. Also, I would definitely call safeword on your planet of cheese. That's definitely outside my limits. If you must torture me, you need to do it in a way which won't make me violently ill so that your imaginary Universe won't get covered in real barf, okay? > Actually in an infinite Universe there must be an infinite number of > such planets. Also an infinite number of planets just like that but > with one of the Kibos replaced with Marilu Henner. Yeah, but how would you tell which one? I'm assuming we'd all be wearing Velcro suits which would make each of us look like Chewbacca after a really bad perm. -- K. Is Marilu really the daughter of Lucille Ball and Marilyn Manson? If not, then why is she named that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Clorox Toilet Bowl Cleaner with TEFLON Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 00:54:56 -0500 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Oh My God what were they waiting for? Teflon was invented back in the > > > 50's, right? > > > > Discovered, not invented. Somewhere in our Universe, there is already > > a whole planet made out of Teflon molecules. The Uncertainty Principle > > means there has to be one, because it's impossible for us to figure > > out whether or not there could be one. All we did was to synthesize > > our own puny Earth Teflon instead of doing the right thing and sending > > astronauts to land on Teflon so we could laugh when they slipped and > > fell off the planet. > > I really, really wish I could fit this paragraph into a .sig. (Beable will > now follow up with some smart-ass post fitting this paragraph into a .sig.) Okay, let's .sig it down to size: Teflon pans make eggs fried in lard taste slimy, so let's send all the Teflon into outer space to coat the planet Pluto with it, because it would be funny to watch the silly astronauts try to land but fall off the planet of Teflon. This fourth line serves no purpose except to fill up this .signature. The End. > > > Firearms and kitchen utensils should be cleaned after every use, > > > toilets should not. > > > > Even if they're used for the same thing? > > Now Kibo made me imagine someone getting shot in the face while cleaning > their toilet because they didn't know it was loaded. I don't know exactly > how that could work, but from his most recent posts I conclude Kibo's > current hobby is creating some kind of disgusting new superweapon to which > chainmail is impervious. I suggest you all stock up on adhesive medical > strips and antiseptic. If you don't have any Adhesive Medical Strips Brand Fake Band-Aids, you can just use duct tape. (It tapes three rolls of duct tape to cover a person sufficiently. You can cover a person with two but that won't express as much love.) If you don't have any antiseptic, you can use Moxie. Moxie not only kills germs, it kills anyone or anything who kills germs. (Never clean your toilet with Moxie because Moxie releases chlorine gas whenever it's not mixed with ammonia and bleach.) If you don't have any medieval armor, you're just plain screwed. The line of people who are screwed forms up against the wall. The splatter wall. -- K. (evil chaotic, and also, I can make my own scenarios) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What I did today. Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:55:03 -0500 I went to Pemaquid Point (Maine) and ran across the rocky cliffs and I punched a Gorn and then I punched Lazarus and then I punched the other Lazarus and then I punched Finnegan and then I yelled "MIRAMANEE! I AM KIROK!" but then Bill & Ted threw me off the cliffs and I died, the end, except for all the parts that were lies because nothing really significant happened when I ran around on those rocky cliffs at Pemaquid Point today except that I discovered they're even more fun to clamber over when you're a grown-up and have really good boots for rock-clambering. Also, it's strange to go to those little towns in Maine that are frozen in time and see that all the stores I haven't been to in 25 years are still in business. I think some of the laundry in Damariscotta's Coin-O-Matic laundrette has been going around for 25 years. The Lincoln Theater across the street is still just as small, and still doesn't have a plaque commemorating President Ford getting shot. So, anyway, if you haven't visited Maine in a few decades, don't bother, it's still there. But otherwise I do love running across those rocks at Pemaquid Point. The ones which hold the tiny little lighthouse far above the deadly crashing surf that I have no fear of whatsoever. -- K. There was only a little ice all over them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DC ARKPLE Date: Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:59:48 -0500 E Teflon Piano (ETP@the-institute.firm) wrote: > > Rhode Island's only good at keeping Connecticut from being the same > size as Massachusetts. Rhode Island's good for giving Kibo brain damage, though. Assuming you count Jake's car door as part of Rhode Island even though it sometimes leaves the state (along with the rest of the car.) -- K. Also, Rhode Island's good for giving Kibo brain damage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Mon, 01 Mar 2004 14:20:58 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology, John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu): > > > > Florida is, sadly, Not The Place For It. > > I believe that Florida is not the place for anything but theme > parks, orange juice and marine mammals. > > I was going to add "space travel", but I shouldn't think many of > our readers will admit to being old enough to remember when > people used to go to the moon. Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept accidentally going into _outer space_. Sheesh. How could you folks forget the glory that was "seaQuest"? It was on the air practically forever. In fact, it was such a long-lived fixture of television that it aired under at least three different titles. You people need to brush up on your television viewing habits. Just for that, I'm not even going to mention the episode where they all sat on the floor drinking orange juice and crying because nobody watched their show when it was on thirty or forty years ago. But I did I like the Atari 2600 video game based on it in the 1980s (some time around the thirty-second season.) -- K. Good thing the movie comes out next fall to remind people about that classic show starring Roy Scheider, Dame Judi Dench, Anson Williams, and the Hilton sisters. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:02:44 -0500 Jim Vandewalker (jvandewalker@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who > > remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in > > _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept > > accidentally going into _outer space_. > > And -- AND -- one episode was filmed in MY hometown! We STILL thrill to > the sight of giant robot monsters rearing high above the stately Frank > Lloyd Wright acrchitecture of Florida Southern College > http://www.flsouthern.edu/map/ps-polkscience/polkscience.htm I'm glad they rebuilt it after the robots destroyed it. That show had something of a shoestring budget and couldn't afford special effects, so they just used real robots to smash the building. That's why every episode ended with J.G. Ballard explaining that everything on the show was real. It was the low budget that accidentally made it turn out educational. I hear that originally, the reason they hired J.G. Ballard was that they just wanted to get rights to film his novel "Naked Lunch" as an episode, but they couldn't get Roy Scheider to be in it, so they had to settle for that black guy with all the wrinkles. -- K. Are they ever going to re-issue the original "seaQuest" soundtrack album? My LP is darn near worn-out. I can't believe they got Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass to play that music underwater! Wouldn't the brass rust? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 14:52:02 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now you've made me feel really old if I'm the only one here who > > remembers NBC's "seaQuest", the show filmed at a _theme park_ in > > _Orlando_ with a _marine mammal_ on board a submarine that kept > > accidentally going into _outer space_. > > I don't remember Seaquest, Geez, you people are so young. You don't even remember the color re-make? The one where NBC had to spell it "seaQuest" with a lowercase "s" to make it legally distinct from the good one? I understand why the black and white one flopped back on the old Dumont network, since those 3-D glasses were such a pain to wear. And you had to send in so many Kellogg's Pep box-tops to get them. But when they dropped the gimmick and just did it in straight black and white it was a fine show. Filled up the screen of a Philco Predicta so nicely. (Philco paid them to make the submarine that shape so that the show wouldn't work on other brands of TV.) I didn't like those couple seasons where they changed the title to "SeaHunt". Just because they fired Robert Stack and replaced him with Lloyd Bridger as Captain Nathan Bridges was no excuse to go messing with the title. "Hunt", "Quest", little "s", Roy Scheider with a big "S", it's all the same to me. > but I do remember some show that had astronauts that got sent back > into time to the caveman days. > Something like "It's About Time". Or something. "It's About Time Or Something" was the first show to save money by combining a time-travel science-fiction sitcom with the innovative interactivity of "Winky Dink And You". They cut costs by only writing the first half of the episode. Then, Imogene Coca would turn to the camera and bellow, "We've just travelled in time... OR SOMETHING! Hey kids, get out your crayons and draw what happens next!" I always had trouble deciding whether to send in my Kellogg's Pep box-tops to get the "seaQuest" goggles or the "It's About Time Or Something" protective plastic tarp that covered the back and sides of the TV set so that when you drew on the screen you wouldn't get marks on the woodgrain cabinet. > I can remember the song. "It's about time, it's about space, > it's about time to slap your face"... > That was OUR rendition of it, anyway. (My other 5 siblings and I never > were much of a threat to the Jackson 5 nor to the Osmond's.) I bet you don't even remember before the Jackson 5 and the Osmonds split into two separate families. (Glenn from the Village People was their daddy!) -- K. Sadly, I do actually own "Winky Dink And You" DVDs, but it's just not the same without the special indelible crayon you were supposed to use whenever Winky sailed his boat off the screen and onto the wall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Any kibologists going to be in Orlando for the week after Easter? Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 01:07:30 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > On some level, *every* thread on ARK is about masturbation. > > And masturbation is always about ARK. And alt.religion.kibology is all about me, me, me, me, me, so all masturbation is about me. That's a great honor even though it's also completely disgusting, you perverts. > This post is all about breaking the code. I break the code with my mind, not my hands. -- K. If my brain's abilities to control my nervous system get any more powerful, soon I'll be able to project pictures onto TV screens just by daydreaming. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Any Hubble photos of the Earth? Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 04:02:13 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Does anyone know if the Hubble Space Telescope took any photos of the Earth > as I want to get one of Australia and say "I can see my house from here!" No. You see, the glare from the Earth makes it hard to see the stars, so the Hubble Space Telescope always stays on the far side of the Earth where it can't see the Earth. This is known as the Lamaze Point. It has something to do with calibrating the telescope by pointing it at a mobile of black and white cartoon faces. The mobile was designed by Carl Sagan and carries a message of peace and the flags of all nations. The message of peace is designed to fool the Martians into not noticing that the people on Earth could just point a flashlight upwards and shine it through the back end of the Hubble to make a giant laser beam come out the front end because that's what happens when you use a telescope the wrong way, which is why you should never look at the Sun through a telescope. Always stare directly at the Sun with your naked eye. That's what the Hubble is. It's the world's largest naked eye. -- K. I can't wait until they launch the new Jack Webb space telescope. The only problem is that in all its photos, the names of the stars will be changed to protect the innocent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Confessions Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:15:19 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I've told the world about my weird body chemistry and how > it reactes strangly with most medicines, so why not ask > why I kill watches and why my skin sometimes turns grey > when it comes into contact with gold? I can tell you precisely _how_ those phenomena occur. As to _why_, all I know is that scientists have proven that the Universe was specifically designed to make trouble. > Watches: I've got Seiko, Armitron,Timex and Rumors brands, > several of each, all in the jewelry box that don't work. > Some run on batteries, some are wind ups. > Oh, they'll work for awhile, but despite rewinding, > new batteries, or a trip to the jewelers for cleaning, > they all eventually stop working again. > I'm quite used to being watchless, and the one that lasted > the longest was my Timex Expedition. I think it ran for > at least 2 years. It's called sadomagnetism, baby, learn to enjoy it and then you'll be able to think up ways to make money by degaussing other people's blurry TV screens with your fingertips. What's a "Rumors" watch? I've never heard of that brand. Sounds pretty gay. Is it one of those watches that makes you gay if you wear it, like a Pulsar? Oh, great, now look what you did, you've gotten the Pulsar theme song running through my head: "MOOP murp. MOOP murp. MOOP murp." Damn you, Pulsar, and the way you oversimplified disco! > Gold: Every once in awhile my skin turns grey wherever > it comes into contact with gold. My wedding ring, earrings, > necklaces, etc. > There is no rhythm nor pattern to this, and sometimes I go > for years without it happening.When it does happen, a simple > application of lotion supplied from the jewelers keeps it > at bay for awhile, and then the greyness goes away again. That's because you're not using real gold, but an alloy with a bunch of copper and stuff in it. If you kept going, you'd get past the gray and into a nice moldy shade of green. Your jewelry is trying to turn you into Margaret Hamilton. If that happens, be very careful never to say "Sock it to me!" > Fess' up and don't spare my feelings. > I'm really an alien, aren't I? Actually, you're the only one here who isn't. John Glenn gave us all the idea of putting on people masks to play with your mind. -- K. (don't ask where the zippers are) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Confessions Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 18:58:23 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, great, now look what you did, you've gotten the Pulsar theme > > song running through my head: "MOOP murp. MOOP murp. MOOP murp." > > Damn you, Pulsar, and the way you oversimplified disco! > > I humbly beg your forgiveness for not forcing Bee Gee tunes > into your branz. That is NOT how one should beg for forgiveness. Now beg forgiveness for begging forgiveness so poorly. If you don't shape up, you're going to be wearing a pair of headphones playing "Mahna Mahna" over and over until morning. > > [on "gold" jewelry causing skin discoloration] > > > > That's because you're not using real gold, but an alloy with > > a bunch of copper and stuff in it. > > Speculate, please. Which alloy is doing this? All of them. I'm not speculating. Your jewlery isn't going to be 24-karat (pure) gold because it would be expensive and soft as taffy. All other alloys of whatever purity (14-karat, 18-karat, etc.) are going to be gold mixed with some sort of cheaper, harder yellow metal. I.e. brass/bronze. I.e. copper mixed with white metal (perhaps silver.) Copper oxidizes when exposed to things such as salt plus water and makes greenish-gray schmutz on your skin. If it's relatively cheap jewelry, such as "gold-filled" stuff, then it'll be almost entirely brass. "Gold-filled" means brass with a very thin coating of 14-karat gold alloy, somewhere under 5% gold by weight; "Gold-plated" means somewhere well under 1% gold by weight. If your jewelry is a very rich yellow gold color, it's either gold-plated or real 24-karat (doubtful.) If it's a paler yellow color, then it could be solid 14-karat, or 14-karat gold-filled, or 14-karat gold-plated, or some no-gold-at-all alloy (like Herculoy bronze, which looks remarkably like 14-karat gold.) Often the texture will tell you whether it's -plated, -filled, or -karat (gold-plated stuff can't be highly polished and sometimes shows a slightly textured surface.) When you've seen these metals side-by-side in the workshop you learn to tell them apart easily (and there are special testing tools that will let you determine the exact purity of a specimen.) Some people get the green stuff on their skin some of the time, and some get it all the time, and some never get it. I'm not sure what details of body chemistry regulate this. Gold is at the head of the electromotive series of metals so it's not going to corrode just because it touches something, but copper goes green easily. If your jewelry is making colors on you, it can't be pure gold, and copper's the culprit here normally. For more fun, ask what pure aluminum does when it touches skin. (Most of the "aluminum" stuff in your home, such as the kitchen foil, is an aluminum-manganese alloy that keeps it from doing that, sort of the aluminum equivalent of stainless steel.) > > Actually, you're the only one here who isn't [an alien]. John Glenn > > gave us all the idea of putting on people masks to play with your mind. > > > > (don't ask where the zippers are) > > You've all been very helpful and am I ever relieved to find out > I'm not an alien! > Combining all responses,I'm merely a weird, electronically charged, > acid skinned, revjacking mother-in-law zombie without crotch crop circles, > who should be ingesting colloidol silver while lobbying for mass transit > with, if google is to be believed, has tendencies towards sado > maso sex,sado maschocism or sex slave fantasies. I'LL BE OVER AT MIDNIGHT!!! > Nothing special, at least on this group. > > I'll sleep better at night now, thanks. For more fun, ask where the zippers are. -- K. "Collo-idol silver" is a thing that looks like it wants to be a new meme but is doomed to failure. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fake butter, real butter, they're different but I love them equally. Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 15:47:06 -0500 [CNN.com:] -> -> Lawsuit: Fake popcorn butter caused disease -> -> JOPLIN, Missouri (AP) -- A jury was selected Monday to hear the -> claim of an ailing factory worker who says his rare lung disease -> was caused by the artificial butter vapors at a microwave -> popcorn plant. Oh, a jury was selected! That doesn't happen every day! And gosh, reading about jury duty is almost as exciting as being a part of it! -> A panel of 12 and four alternates was chosen. At last I can relax now that I've found out how many alternate jurors have been chosen for this lawsuit about yellow vapor! -> Opening statements were set for Tuesday; lawyers for both sides -> agreed not to speak to the media until the trial is over. If only the media would agree not to speak to us until something happened. -> Eric Peoples, 31, who is awaiting a lung transplant, is one of -> 30 former workers at the Gilster-Mary Lee Corp. plant in Jasper -> suing two makers of artificial butter flavoring. He was selected -> to have his case heard first because he is among the sickest. Yeah, but any time people are lining up in order of "biggest sicko first", I get cutsies. -> Peoples is seeking unspecified damages from International -> Flavors and Fragrances Inc. and a subsidiary. Gilster-Mary Lee -> is not a defendant; its Jasper plant employs about 130 people. -> -> The trial is considered a landmark legal battle aimed at linking -> bronchiolitis obliterans, also known as popcorn packers' lung, (a rare variant of fudge packers'... oh, never mind, too easy.) -> to vapors from butter flavorings in the popcorn mixing room at -> the plant. The disease restricts and obstructs the functioning -> of the lungs. I always enjoy seeing the Harlem Globetrotters put someone in the popcorn mixing room. Especially if they're a mime so they can be in a glass box in the popcorn mixing room so we can watch the box fill up with bright yellow vapors (some of which come from the popcorn.) -> The suit alleges the manufacturers knew, or should have known, -> the butter flavorings were hazardous and that they failed to -> warn workers of the dangers or to give instructions on safe use -> of the product. -> -> The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health has -> said it suspects exposure to a chemical in butter flavoring, -> diacetyl, caused the health problems. Diacetyl! That's made from a mixture of two deadly acids: acetic acid and more acetic acid! I'm sure glad they don't put stuff like that in my food. I bet Tabasco would taste terrible if they put lots of acetic acid in it. -> Health officials have said there is no danger to people who -> microwave the popcorn and eat it at home. Uh oh! I took some to the office! Dear CNN, am I going to die? "You have two hours to live. Details on tomorrow's newscast." -- K. I miss the original Jiffy Pop. It was the best technology we ever got from space aliens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Musical Instrument Question Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 16:05:23 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anyone who saw the Oscars: > > What instrument was Sting playing? In some cases, it's called a hurdy-gurdy. But in the case of the songs from this year's Oscars, the only instruments involved were the annoyium, the lame-o-tron, the butt harp, the dorkula, the ear-assassin, and the nancywalker. Also, in December 2003, he admitted he lied about the eight-hour tantric sex in order to impress a drunken Bob Geldof (who, incidentally, I still keep thinking is a sportscaster, possibly Joe Garagiola.) Sting has explained, "What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." So now he's claiming he had sex for four hours. I still think he's lying about the duration. Without lying about the duration, I've gone a lot longer than that, but only if you allow me to lie about the definition of "sex". -- K. I heard that song from "Lord Of The Rings" and thought, "Man, this is awful." Then I heard the other songs and thought, "That song from 'Lord Of The Rings' sure deserves to win." Suddenly I feel much more comfortable expressing my views that music in general is evil, given how dreadful the songs at the Oscars were. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Musical Instrument Question Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:55:51 -0500 [with concern for the badness of translation from the machines of words] Garry Gnu (nognewsisgoodgnews@garryg.nu) wrote: > > I really, really wish i could take Altavista, Babelfish and the people who > even dreamed that an automated translator was a good idea and feed them to > Kibo. Why? Do you think the people are made of glue? If not, I'll have to get a new T-shirt that says "I EAT PEOPLE". Hmm, come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea, especially if I had a photo of me sticking a fork into someone's head. Hey, Bob Hope can't sue if he's dead, right? > Computers cannot discern context, cannot accept slang, and basically > suck at anything over a few words. I've always hated the idea that some words are "slang" and some are "real words". To me, all words are slang. Even nonsense words. They're slang without even being words! I'd offer to demonstrate that I can speak fluently entirely in nonsense words, but I'm not sure anyone here would be willing to volunteer to do what it would take to induce glossolalia in me. (You'd probably want to stop before I did, even though you wouldn't be the one on the business end of whatever tool you were using.) -- K. Has anyone seen that new Mel Gibson movie with the light torture? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A modern medical miracle. Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 16:30:55 -0500 [via www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, an abstract] -> -> Indian J Chest Dis Allied Sci. 2004 Jan-Mar;46(1):55-8 -> -> A 27-year-old lady presented with persistent cough, sputum and -> fever for the preceding six months. Inspite of trials with -> antibiotics and anti-tuberculosis treatment for the preceeding -> four months, her symptoms did not improve. A subsequent chest -> radiograph showed non-homogeneous collapse-consolidation of -> right upper lobe. Videobronchoscopy revealed an inverted bag -> like structure in right upper lobe bronchus and rigid -> bronchoscopic removal with biopsy forceps confirmed the presence -> of a condom. Detailed retrospective history also confirmed -> accidental inhalation of the condom during fellatio. Is the treatment different for intentional inhalation? I need to know for my friend Gaspy McGulper. In any case, now we know that those latex balloons they have over the cash registers at Trader Joe's are lying about being "100% biodegradable". (Really, Trader Joe's has balloons that have text bragging about how biodegradable the balloons are. I guess that's as opposed to those indestructible balloons you get for free everywhere else.) -- K. I want to know more about the "detailed retrospective history". "Here's what we took out of you, now, although there's only one way it could have gotten there, tell me the whole story just so I can tease the Indian J Chest Dis Allied Sci by withholding the details." Also, retrospective histories are better than the kind from the future. (In future, condom inhales YOU!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Worst definition of "computer" ever! Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:02:46 -0500 [an article from news.com.com two weeks ago] -> -> A small team of developers in Rwanda was just beginning work on -> a project to produce a localized version of OpenOffice, an -> open-source alternative to Microsoft's market-leading -> productivity software, when they realized they had a problem. -> -> Kinyarwanda, the language spoken by most Rwandans, has no words -> for many basic technical and computing terms, including the very -> word "computer," explained Steve Murphy, organizer of the -> project. After debating whether to borrow English or French terms -> or come up with their own native word, the group settled on -> "mudasobwa," which roughly translates to "something or someone -> that does not make mistakes." Why would they even consider borrowing a French term? The French language doesn't even have a word for "le computer", just a word for some other thing called "le ordinateur"! Anyway, the idea that a computer is a thing or person which is never wrong is an idea which is so wrong that it's whatever the opposite of a mudasobwa is. I'm going to coin a new Kinyarwandan word for someone or something that's always wrong: shazboza. I hereby urge all good people to use the terms "mudasobwa" and "shazboza" in conversation at least once per sentence. -- K. Oh great, now we're all going to be getting even more "4-1-9" spam from Rwanda now that they have computers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Worst definition of "computer" ever! Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:14:56 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh great, now we're all going to be > > getting even more "4-1-9" spam from > > Rwanda now that they have computers. > > they don't have the numbers 4, 1, or 9 in Rwanda. They do have splee, > gzunt, and saeoro, which serve the same purpose but are drawn differently. That's right, they use a modified version of Base 12 that has the numbers dek and el and splee, gzunt, saeoro, and wox but no numbers which are squares, primes, or even numbers. So it's not really Base 12. It's Base Florp. Also, they don't have long division, they have guzinta. It's not just New Math. It's New And Horribly Different Math. It's A Whole New Way Of Being Wrong. -- K. My head hurts, and not just from thinking up new ways to make other people's heads hurt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Stop that man! He has my mustache!" Date: Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:11:09 -0500 [from www.DaytonDailyNews.com:] -> -> Moustache lawsuit comes up short -> -> Action against dentist filed too late -> -> Cox News Service -> -> MIDDLETOWN | A Hamilton man who said part of his moustache -> disappeared while he was having a tooth pulled will not be -> allowed to sue his dentist. -> -> The 12th District Court of Appeals has affirmed a Butler County -> Common Pleas Court decision to dismiss the lawsuit because it -> was not filed within the legal time limit. [...] -> -> The dentist said the procedure was performed without -> complications or problems, according to court records. But when -> Leffler returned to his pickup truck in the parking lot, he -> looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed a dime-sized portion -> of his moustache missing, court records said. -> -> Leffler claimed the missing hairs did not grow back and that he -> was subjected to "ridicule from friends, associates, relatives, -> customers and strangers," court records said. [...] -> -> The appeals court found no merit to Leffler's argument that the -> portion of the moustache disappeared while he was in the dental -> office, but not during the time of the operation. Once again, a news article fails to answer the most important questions. Such as, why did this boob hang around the dentist's office after the operation for long enough that the invisible space aliens had time to give him electrolysis, which takes a while because it goes hair by hair? And what is this ridicule he received from strangers -- was it "Hey, your mustache has a bald spot!" or was it "Hey, you're nuts!"? And why didn't he just try shaving off the rest of his mustache? The reporter gave us some very important information -- such as the fact that this guy drives a pickup truck -- but omitted all the other crucial details that would allow us to puzzle out what was going on inside this crazy guy's tiny little mind. -- K. He could just have tried covering it up by gluing a dime to the spot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, Mickey Mouse is INTO IT! Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 16:54:35 -0500 Disney World sort of almost got a clue that maybe a statue of Mickey Mouse as a leatherman might not be the most appropriate image for the overrated asexual rodent. They're taking out the Leather Mickey statue because it, uh, reminds people that Janet Jackson has breasts, or something. See the photo here: http://www.wftv.com/print/2892264/detail.html Or read the text without looking at the photo of Sadomickey: -> -> Disney Removes Statue Inspired By Janet Jackson -> -> ORLANDO, Fla. -- The Walt Disney Co. has quietly shelved a -> life-size statue of Mickey Mouse inspired by singer Janet -> Jackson, who was roundly criticized for a risque Super Bowl -> halftime performance. Hey, a news article written by "Mad Libs"! _________ writers like to use _________ adjectives before every (ADJ) (ADJ) _________ noun in each _________ sentence of their _________ articles. (ADJ) (ADJ) (ADJ) -> The 6-foot, 700-pound statue was one of 75 unveiled at Walt -> Disney World in Orlando last fall to celebrate the 75th birthday -> of Mickey Mouse (Photos from 75th celebration). The statues were -> inspired by celebrities such as tennis star Andre Agassi, -> actress Jamie Lee Curtis and comedian Ellen DeGeneres. Mickey is a lesbian? With an extra Y chromosome? Oh dear. I wonder who Minnie is dressed like. Andy Dick without his Y? From Disney's new Tribute To Animatronic Vaudeville starring Dead Abbott as Andy Dick Without A Y and Dead Costello as Costello Before He Died: "Hello there, And Dick." "Who?" "And Dick." "Who and Dick?" "No, you're And Dick." "Huh?" "You're And Dick." "Whaaa?" "I SAID, YOU'RE AND DICK!" "I don't get it." "YOU'RE AND DICK! YOU'RE AND DICK!" "When is this supposed to get funny? We're just irritating!" "YOU'RE AND DICK!!! YOU'RE AND DICK!!! YOU'RE AND DICK!!!" "Oh, hell with it, c'mere you..." (Abbott & Costello kiss. The End.) -> The Jackson statue used a tight black outfit Jackson wore in -> 1990 after the release of her album, Rhythm Nation 1814. It was -> replaced by a spare statue designed by Luis Fernandez, an -> in-house Disney artist. -> -> The statues this week were shipped to a convention center in -> downtown Philadelphia, where they will greet investors at -> Wednesday's annual shareholder meeting. YAY WE INVESTED IN A COMPANY THAT FETISHIZES MICE FROM GREAT-GRANDPA'S DAY! -> "Considering all the controversy it drew, we talked it over for -> a couple of days and decided it would be best to replace hers -> with a new one," Gary Foster, a Disney spokesman said. -> -> Foster didn't immediately return a phone call to The Associated -> Press. -> -> Jackson's bump-and-grind performance with singer Justin -> Timberlake during last month's Super Bowl was capped by -> Timberlake ripping a piece of clothing off to reveal her breast -> clad only in a "nipple shield." Ripping, carefully unsnapping, what's the difference? All that's important is that two untalented people got to pretend to be sexy for a tenth of a second. And now they're not allowed to be Mickey Mouse! Ooh, burn. -- K. I think that mice dressed like that would hang out at a bar called something like "The Trap". Hey, didn't Monty Python already make fun of this about 35 years ago? Those bastards! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pants in the news Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 19:01:13 -0500 Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote: > > http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,474800,00.html > -> > -> In the end it was an open and shut case. Andrew Chatfield, > -> 45, a police custody sergeant, was yesterday found guilty of > -> indecently exposing himself to elderly women at a residential > -> care home, after a two day trial that heard from two master > -> tailors about the efficiency of Marks & Spencer's zips. > -> > -> Magistrates at Maidstone, Kent, heard that while visiting > -> his father at the Old Downs residential home in Hartley, > -> Kent, Chatfield, 45, was captured on a concealed camera > -> turning to face the women, one of whom was 93, with his > -> genitals on show. I think if I was 93 I would have said, "I don't care if he exposed his stupid little weenie to me, I'm not going to waste my last moments on Earth in court for any reason." > -> Chatfield, of Sevenoaks, claimed that his zip had failed but > -> he was unable to spot the exposure over his stomach - he was > -> 21 stone at the time of the incident last March. This suggests the reporter knows something they're not telling us. I.e. just how obese is he NOW? > -> Earlier master tailor John Hawksley told the court that it > -> was possible for the zip on the Chatfield's M&S cords to > -> disengage leaving the wearer uncovered and unawares. Many > -> overweight customers returned similar zips to his shop. > -> > -> But Barbara Kilbourne, a uniform fitter with Kent police, > -> said it was highly unlikely a zip could open without help. > -> "They are a locking zip. They would not even come down if > -> you had not fastened the button." Those are MrS trousers, not M&S trousers. Big difference there. The ones from Mr. S are much more upscale compared to Marks & Spencer. M&S don't include the ten little keyed-alike padlocks you need to keep everything locked down tight. Also, in England, in March, I seriously doubt you could be out and about hanging out while remaining unaware that your willy is chilly. And even if you were, you'd be so cold that nobody would notice the twenty-one-stone man's one-centimeter shrinky dink. > -> Chatfield was caught by a police surveillance operation > -> after the home's owner warned him about his behaviour. So where was the camera hidden? And how much do I have to pay not to see the video? -- K. Otherwise, I have no comment. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Or. Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2004 19:43:31 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > > > PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME? EAT CORNFLAKES!!!! > > > Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which > > > help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue. > > > > HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hahahahahahahahaha. > > Corn has a lot of phenylalanine and tyrosine in it, which might, if you ate > about twelve bowls, tweak your dopamine levels. You could try just the pure > amino acids themselves and see. Phenylalanine has a nice caffeine-like > lifting effect that I used to really like. What do you call a butch guy who feels like he has PMS? That's not a riddle, that's a serious medical question so I'll know what sort of corn flakes to ask the dietary experts at Trader Joe's for. Oh, and since I don't put milk on my cereal, I can go through twelve bowls. Unless it's Trix-flavored, in which case my stomach hurts after a couple. I don't know why, but the coloring or flavoring of Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc. bothers my stomach in a mildly annoying way. -- K. Incidentally, Trader Joe's now sells those "Amy's" cheeseless pizzas I like in the same boxes except marked "Trader Giotto's" or something. They're cheaper at Trader Joe's, which confirms my suspicions that they sell only factory-reject food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I used to just think flash mobs were dopey... and now... Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 15:40:12 -0500 [from boston.com, aka the Boston Globe] -> -> City's flash mob lacks flash, mob -> 3/3/2004 Well, at least we still have the city. Except for the part of it that's been removed so they can put in the Big Dig. But there's still a little bit left. -> It wasn't exactly like the scene in Australia when hundreds -> materialized at the Sydney Opera House, singing "Row, Row, Row -> Your Boat," or in New York, when a crowd appeared as if out of -> thin air to ogle an Oriental rug at Macy's. -> -> When the city of Boston tried to stage one of those trendy, -> ultrawired flash mobs yesterday, they didn't get a lot in the -> way of flash or mob. -> -> Some innovative event planners at City Hall had heard about the -> flash mob phenomenon of last summer, when young techno-crowds -> zipped off e-mails and cellphone messages to organize random -> gatherings of counterculture Net-heads. The planners figured -> they could get the same kind of buzz for Mayor Thomas M. -> Menino's ReadBoston youth literacy initiative. -> -> But at the appointed time, 11:30 a.m., the only people who -> appeared at Downtown Crossing were 15 ReadBoston workers. They -> made the best of it, donning red-and-white-striped hats, handing -> out bookmarks and reading Dr. Seuss books from atop a milk -> crate, for 90 minutes. They slapped red stickers on passersby, -> declaring, "It's Dr. Seuss's 100th birthday!" Many shot back -> confused stares, and more than a few replied, "Dr. who?" And if I were there, I wouldn't say "Dr. who?" even though I like "Doctor Who" ('cause, let's face it, Dr. Seuss was better) but I would turn to those fifteen people and ask, "Okay, which one of you let Don Saklad give you this bad idea?" -> The essence of flash mobs seemed lost on the BostonReads -> workers, who sent out a citywide press release the day before -> their event, but didn't get around to the e-mail or cellphone -> part of it. OH MY GOD! LOOK! COMING OVER THE HORIZON! IN TANKS! IN PLANES! AND IN WEIRD DR. SEUSS VEHICLES THAT WOULD RHYME IF I UNDERSTOOD THE TWIN CONCEPTS OF METER AND VERSE! IT'S... THE DANCING BEARS OF ALL-CAPITALIZED "DUH!!!!" AND THE DANCING BEARS OF ALL-CAPITALIZED "DUH!!!!" ARE SAYING "DUH!!!!" IN ALL CAPITALS! AND BECAUSE THEY'RE DRAWN BY DR. SEUSS, THEY'RE NOT USING REGULAR CAPITALS, THEY'RE USING THE THIRD CASE OF LETTERS FROM HIS BOOK "UP ABOVE UPPER CASE"! THEY'RE SAYING "DUH!!!!" IN LETTERS SO IMPORTANT YOU CAN SEE THEM FROM SPACE! THEY'RE BITING AND KICKING AND YELLING "DUH!!!" AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD! THE END. -> Said ReadBoston spokeswoman Jessica Shumaker: "Hey, -> we're trying, right? OH NO ONE OF THE BEARS CAME BACK TO LIFE AND JOINED THE "WHAT ARE YOU, A TOTAL FUCKING MORON WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, YOU TOTAL FUCKING MORON?" BRIGADE JUST TO DRAW A BIG SEUSSIAN FLUFFY PINK CIRCLE AROUND THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD "TRYING" WHICH USUALLY INVOLVES AT LEAST MAKING A PHONE CALL OR SOMETHING, YOU TOTAL FUCKING MORON! AND NOW THE BEAR FLIPPED BOSTON'S CITY HALL OVER SO THAT IT LOOKS RIGHT-SIDE UP! THE END. -> For the city, that's pretty hip." Watch your language, young lady! We don't use newfangled words like "hip" here on the East Coast! Your mouth should be washed out with Lifebuoy, Mum, Sen-Sen, camphor, alum, and several other things from before whatever era you think pop culture is still in! -> DONOVAN SLACK Now that's a good James Bond name for a reporter. He's Slack. Donovan Slack. However, I'm sure the real Mr. Bond would have written a couple extra paragraphs to observe that Boston's goofily-inverted City Hall is just down the street from some even weirder-looking state-run mental health facility which is known far and wide as "The Dr. Seuss building with the crazy steps." That's the one that looks like a frog from one angle and a massive, twisted conglomeration of 3-D spaghetti from all others because, like all insane asylums, it's designed to keep the inmates out of their minds so that they won't get sane enough to try to escape. -- K. I've been casing that joint to make it easier for me to escape if they toss me in there any time soon. Does anyone know whether they make you wear one of their straitjackets, or can you bring your own? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 16:14:10 -0500 [from cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> Japanese conference states robots' rules of order -> -> FUKUOKA, Japan (CP) - Six decades after science-fiction author -> Isaac Asimov formulated his Three Laws of Robotics, the World -> Robot Conference has issued its own three-part list of -> "expectations for next-generation robots." -> -> The conference was sponsored by the government of Japan, a -> country that has become the world leader in industrial robots -> and has a growing population of personal-use robots, including -> pets and two-legged little helpers. I want to know more about these "two-legged little helpers". It's something about blowjobs, right? -> The World Robot Declaration issued on Feb. 25 states that: -> -> - Next-generation robots will be partners that coexist with -> human beings; -> -> - Next-generation robots will assist human beings both -> physically and psychologically; -> -> - Next-generation robots will contribute to the realization of a -> safe and peaceful society. So, I take it they've never read Jack Williamson's "With Folded Hands". All three of these rules lead inexorably to everyone in the world getting a lobotomy from a Japanese robot in order to make everyone safe and peaceful all the time, whether they want to be or not. And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! -> For the record, the three principles enunciated by Asimov in -> stories as long ago as the early 1940s are: -> -> - A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, -> allow a human being to come to harm; -> -> - A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except -> where such orders would conflict with the First Law; -> -> - A robot must protect its own existence as long as such -> protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Fortunately, that weenie John W. Campbell allowed Asimov to take credit for these. However, I think Asimov came up with the fourth and most important one -- "The Zeroth Law" -- on his own ("A robot may not injure humanity, or through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.") I note that the Japanese conference did include that one. But they left out the one about robots protecting their own existence, which means that they'll all accidentally walk into volcanoes or make their faces melt by trying to eat wet spinach or all the other ways robots might kill themselves because these people in Japan weren't clever enough to figure out that maybe robots should be given slightly more sophisticated programming than "Be a good neighbor." Here are the three laws I'd program into every robot in the world: - Robots should feel luv. - Robots should be wacky and profound at the same time. - Robots should give me all the candy in the world. There, I just did all the hard work coming up with the most important things to program into robots. Someone else can do the easy part by turning Kibo's Laws into working FORTRAN code. -> The Fukuoka convention also proposes special zones in which to -> develop and test robots, and "promotion of public acceptability -> of robots through the establishment of standards and upgrading -> of the environment." We've replaced these natural trees with new binary trees. Will the endangered species be able to tell the difference? Let's watch. Okay, they're all dead. Hooray! Now the robots will have less competition for food! Once we design robots to eat binary trees, that is. We should probably get around to doing that sometime after we finish upgrading the environment out of existence. -- K. Dr. Smith tried to warn me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 01:40:55 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! > > I think that people really need lobotomies to enjoy those crappy drug > dealer movies. The movies "Snatch" and "Traffic" are examples. I'll also > throw in "Transporter" for good measure. You don't _need_ a lobotomy, you just _want_ a lobotomy if you find yourself trapped in a theater with a drug-land movie. > As a test, I watched a "Pokemon" movie marathon on the Cartoon Network. > I was able to sit through at least two of them, unlike any Adam Sandler > movie or modern British Rom-Com. The music fukken rox in the "Pokemon" > movies! I'd rather "name that Pokemon" then try to figure out some wacky > and complicated British love comedy plot. What if Pokemon put on a dress? Or if Alan Cumming shot lightning bolts from his eyes? Which of those two would be gayer in that way that all British romantic comedy is extremely gay? In fact, all movies from England are gay. If you don't believe me, two words: Harry Potter. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay in and of itself. There's just something wrong with being gay if it makes you wear glasses like his. I mean, he's radiating a "Truman Capote As Dame Edna" vibe. (Being gay is a fine thing, but the British somehow manage to get it wrong most of the time. They're ruining gayness for everyone!) > I also enjoyed watching a dubbed version of "Police Academy" on one of the > Spanish Channels. For real fun, try a Hindi sitcom. Or better yet, Arabic. I'm still trying to puzzle out that one Arabic-language show I saw about a family's attempts to get their father to stop sneaking smokes in his bathroom of the future while they all wore "Space: 1999" costumes. It wasn't dubbed or subtitled, and the only Arabic I know is "Don't use more than two tablespoons of detergent in these high-efficiency washers," so it took me a while to figure out it was meant to be a sitcom and wasn't just any ordinary "Space: 1999" rerun. > Perhaps my parents gave me a lobotomy as a gift for my second birthday. > I don't remember anything from that era. You should've just asked for a straitjacket. One of those not only makes TV more fun, if you wear it to bed it even makes naptime much more fun. Assuming, of course, that you're the type of person who's into naps. -- K. How much oatmeal does it take to fill a waterbed? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 02:13:32 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How much oatmeal does it take to fill a waterbed? > > [...] With freeze dried fruit or maple & brown sugar? If you use the yucky > fruit kind you may experience lumpiness in your bed. I _already_ experience lumpiness in my bed every night. -- K. I had to make this obvious followup before someone else did, because I wanted to call dibs on the delicious lumpiness of my existence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 01:54:21 -0500 "CLans the Black Gnu" (largenegro@garryg.nu) wrote: > > It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with black > people. Why? Does it leave weird marks on them when they touch a black person? > I happen to be very proud of the colour of my skin and go to lengths > to make sure people are aware I am a black man. If it bothers you, it > shouldn't. And you should be proud of your skin, unless it has a tattoo of Lyndon LaRouche French-kissing Barbara Walters somewhere on it. In which case, get thee to a flayery! I just hope you're not jealous that I am walking around in much more black skin than you, and in a much darker shade of black. Of course, most of it's from some dead cows, but that just makes it more special because I _chose_ it. And mine's _really_ black, while yours is technically just brown, you big exaggerator. Also, it's neat to peel my outer layer off about once a day to see this alabaster-colored guy underneath. Lights up the whole room. I have almost as much natural skin coloration as a Visible Man kit. I look so much better black all over. Keeps people from watching my blood oozing around inside. Hey, why don't they make a Visible Man kit in a nice shade of black? It could be endorsed by Ralph Ellison ("Star Trek"'s best writer.) He penned the immortal line, "These ruins extend to the horizon!" which Kirk said while standing in a broom closet. -- K. It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with Village People. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:08:41 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just hope you're not jealous that I am walking around in much more black > > skin than you, and in a much darker shade of black. Of course, most of > > it's from some dead cows, but that just makes it more special because > > I _chose_ it. > > And here we have the essence of 'nature vs nurture', in a horribly twisted > way, suitable for framing against the fundamentalist of your choice. (And who > _did_ put the 'mentalist' in that, anyway?) Whenever the debate of "Are gay people that way because they chose to be, or because their genetics made them that way, or because their parents got something wrong?" comes up, I always ask, "Which do you like better, red or blue? Beef or chicken? Comedies or dramas? Did you choose to like blue better than red? Or do you have a gene for liking blue? Or did your parents manipulate you into liking blue? Those are just preferences, and they just sort of go in random directions for no reason, and sometimes over the years they gradually change because you realize you like red more than you used to." These are just things that happen. Nobody knows why. If all the scientists of the world -- even the really gay ones -- can't explain why you settled on liking blue best, of course they can't explain something even harder to understand such as your orientation. Heck, probably most of them can't even understand their own orientations, let alone yours. Also, I like black. And White Castles. And 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'." > > Also, it's neat to peel my outer layer off about once a day to see this > > alabaster-colored guy underneath. > > Twitch. > > Twitch twitch. > > Excuse me, I have to go pick at the bottom of my foot now. Want help with that? I've got an ice pick I can bring... -- K. The bottom of the foot is a very special and magical place because your body is stored in your brain's Penfield map in head-to-toe order, except that your genitals are just below your feet. Hence, every time you touch your feet, you're almost having sex. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 11:38:46 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The bottom of the foot is a very special and magical > > place because your body is stored in your brain's > > Penfield map in head-to-toe order, except that your > > genitals are just below your feet. Hence, every > > time you touch your feet, you're almost having sex. > > And believe me (because most of you will NOT want to try it for yourselves) > you can feel just as much like smoking afterwards for either one. But that's true of anything else I do, because I always have zero desire to a cigarette. However, night before last, my feet had a great time right before I watched the movie "Pysch-Out". Mmm, shimmery Bruce Dern. > I get to do the 'what needs peeled off now' pretty much every day > after work, 'cuz keeping the feet confined inside socks'n'shoes, > with the higher relative humility quotient [well, that's how it > typed itself and I guess it fits so this post will wear it], makes > the peeling process much more, er, cooperative. You should visit Schenectady sometime. Behind the General Electric factory complex there's a little creek where if you walk through it your feet will develop a pemanent, unitized plastic skin. It's just past Sacred Miracle Cave. -- K. Yesterday I was reading the fine print on the package a cat toy came in, and it said it was made by Ethical Products Inc., and I said, "a division of Howard Johnson's!" and neither person in the room got it. Sheesh, don't they force kids to read Vonnegut any more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name That Kibologist! Date: Fri, 05 Mar 2004 02:08:15 -0500 Brendan Connor (bbconnor@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > CLans the Black Gnu (largenegro@garryg.nu) wrote: > > > > It is so easy to spot people who have had little to no contact with > > black people. I happen to be very proud of the colour of my skin and > > go to lengths to make sure people are aware I am a black man. If it > > bothers you, it shouldn't. Next time some black rapper is on the > > radio, listen to how many references he makes to it. > > There's a difference between pride and desperate pleas for attention. How DARE you say that some rappers might want attention! That's racist! You should stop giving rappers any attention! Especially Eminem! I mean, I'm not even black, and even I think he's an evil honkie. YOU RACISTS SHOULD STOP NOT DISCRIMINATING AGAINST EVIL HONKIES LIKE EMINEM! By the way, what's the origin of the word "honkie"? Does it have something to do with Bozo's white greasepaint and squeaky nose? Or is it just a coincidence that Bozo's white? So, anyway, getting back to the difference between pride and desperate pleas for attention, I need to find some group whose pride flag has blinking neon sparkles all over it so that I can get a lot of attention when I'm one of the only three guys marching in that parade. It would be something like the United Radiated Pinball-Playing Neon Designers From The Future With Cataracts Which Render Them Unable To See Anything That's Not Blinking On And Off Annoyingly. Also, straight people should stop being jealous of gay people for having all those pride symbols (the pink triangle, the rainbow flag, and all the more specialized flags.) I know it's hard to accept, but black people only have the one pride flag, and it's poisonous, although the Black Flag does kill bugs dead. Maybe if the black folks came up with a way to make the Black Flag also kill the AIDS virus, the two groups would share their stuff so that even the straight black folks could enjoy having access to the surplus pride symbols of the gay community. -- K. Also, when did they start allowing rappers on the radio? Are they confined to talk shows, or is there some channel that actually plays rap music? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Think of the Children! Date: Sat, 06 Mar 2004 12:58:55 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > You've probably heard the stories on the news: Video games lead to > > violence. > > I was really struggling with "Star Wars: Bounty Hunter" until I > realized that you weren't supposed to kill everybody you ran into. And that's why videogames aren't realistic. In the real world, you can kill anyone you want. You don't lose any points if you kill someone who doesn't derserve it instead of someone who should be offed because they cancelled your favorite sitcom. I bet your silly game doesn't even let you give Jabba the Hutt a curbjob. -- K. "You have to use your hands? That's like a baby's game!" -- "Back To The Future II" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short nerdy confession. Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:13:04 -0500 My apologies if I don't type anything very long (or very well) for the next few weeks, because my real computer just broke, and I am using a cobbled-together hybrid of two different computers with an emergency backup external modem and a monitor sitting in an awkward position and wireless keyboard with the wrong layout in order to have any Internet access at all. This was the laptop I purchased in Ottawa last year, and it either broken because of the design flaw which affects all serial numbers up to 3020xxxx (mine's 3016xxxx) or because it's a Canadian computer plugged into that different American electricity. Anyway, gotta go for now, it's hard to type because I have to lie down in order to see the screen, and you're all sideways. -- K. This keyboard feels like it's made from marshmallows held together with Post-It Notes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short nerdy confession. Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 11:44:59 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My apologies if I don't type anything very long (or very well) for > > the next few weeks, because my real computer just broke, and I am > > using a cobbled-together hybrid of two different computers with an > > emergency backup external modem and a monitor sitting in an awkward > > position and wireless keyboard with the wrong layout in order to > > have any Internet access at all. > > > > Anyway, gotta go for now, it's hard to type because I have to > > lie down in order to see the screen, and you're all sideways. > > ...what if we told you you -have- to use that position to access our > conversation? I'll be good, sir! Please remember to feed me and hose me down once a day. > > This keyboard feels like it's made from marshmallows > > held together with Post-It Notes. > > Dave "so that's a _bad_ thing then? Let me note that down for my 'textured > coffee' experiments..." DeLaney Now here's something I don't know if I've ever mentioned: I've never had a cup of coffee. Ever. BELIEVE IT... OR NOT!!! -- K. It's like I'm typing while wearing mittens or something. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's plan to mutilate professional models Date: Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:18:36 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > On the way in to my local Albertson's, I saw a sheet of pink paper > with the words: > > "Cover Girl - 25% off face and eyes" > > I don't know how they can remove a quarter of the usual two eyes. Maybe they'll just make one smaller by changing it to lowercase. > Unless... > > Maybe Albertsons has discovered that professional models are mutants > with four eyes, and intend to remove the fourth, death-ray beaming eye. > > We can only wait and hope. If Albertsons starts selling jars of what they claim are pearl onions, RUN! -- K. They already stole all the color from my eyes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Megabozosity on Usenet and in the World Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:21:34 -0500 "The Original Archie Leach" (master_baiter2001@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > At least Toronto has Theatre, Montreal has Cuisine, and Vancouver has > profuse amounts of Recreational Pharmaceuticals. Heck, even Winnipeg > can at least claim to be the birthplace of the Guess Who, and a way > station for Neil Young. But Ottawa? OTTAWA? As far as analogies go, > I can only guess that Ottawa is to Canada as Fort Wayne, Indiana is to > the United States. Maybe I'm underestimating Fort Wayne's relevance. If you ever say anything bad about Ottawa ever again, I'm going to find out how easy it is to make your big mouth swallow Radek Bonk's stick sideways. If Washington DC's supposed to be more important than Ottawa, why has their hockey team started to royally suck while Ottawa's has been doing well depite being bankrupt last year? They're people who can remain tough despite being financially-impoverished. You know, like me. Don't fuck with Ottawa, the capital of North America. -- K. Don't make me get all Silver Seven on your ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hi Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:30:17 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > My department was the host for a modest conference last summer. Some > of the people had name badges with red dots on them, to help in > forming small groups for part of the activities. Utterly unaware of > what he was saying, my boss kept referring to these people as "the > colored people." And as we all know from a lifetime of watching sitcoms, a simple faux pas inveitably leads to a race riot, especially if you're around Jerry Seinfeld. And what's the deal with the phrase "race riot"? A race is a fun and healthy way to get some exercise. And we all love anything that's described as a laugh riot. So if "race" is good and "laugh riot" is good, why is "race riot" bad? When you do laundry and you have to segregate all your white clothes from your black clothes, do the clothes start planning a race riot? Is the sheet of Bounce the tear gas of the tumble-dry? And what would happen if you completely filled an airplane with a mixture of dirty laundy and peanuts and then flew into turbulence? Would the laundry get clean before it ate all the peanuts? And what's with all the stewardesses being gay men these days? Why are men so afraid of a gay man touching their peanuts? And what's with those red dots? -- K. Gay colored people wear their red dot on the left side of their nametag. Straight people refuse to go anywhere that requires wearing a nametag. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I are weird Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 12:44:11 -0500 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > Since few of you have quite as strange a life as I do you may not be > quite familiar with the feeling, but still. > > You know when you forget that you're supposed to feel weird because > you ... are weird, but you're kind of used to it by now and don't > give it much thought? And then you tell your whole freaking story > to a new acquaintance without really thinking about it and the > response makes it clear that you're really fukken weird? Which wasn't > exactly the impression you were going for? And then you go punch the > bear that's hiding in the fridge? I was with you up until you punched the bear. I could never harm a bear. I'd just climb into the fridge with him. > It's been a while since that last happened to me, though. Which means > that I'm getting even weirder. I'm not sure how to feel about that. It means that if you ask people how to feel, you're going to get some really ridiculous advice. All of which you should post here so that I can use it, I mean so that I can mock it. -- K. (not quite distraught enough to admit how incredibly distraught I am) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 13:52:48 -0500 [from The New York Times -- in the "Arts" section, believe it or not -- http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/06/arts/06PAIN.html] -> -> He Harms/She Harms: A Distinction With Real Difference -> -> By DINITIA SMITH -> -> New York Times -> -> When David Williams, a psychologist at the University of -> Westminster in London, was deciding how to construct a pain -> machine, he realized a kitchen scale would do the trick. He -> attached a guillotinelike device to it, though he hastens to -> point out that the edge was "really blunt, not as sharp as a -> razor." It was designed to hit at the fingernail's half moon, -> where one can inflict pain without doing serious bodily harm. The "hurt/harm" distinction is as important to mad scientists as the "use/mention" distinction is to the writers of style manuals. Also, they both get really strict with people. -> He was trying to figure out what influences the perception of -> pain. What he discovered was that both men and women were -> willing to take more pain from a woman than from a man. Oh, I could ruin his whole theory so fast. -> "A person's perception of pain doesn't necessarily depend on the -> intensity of the stimulus," Mr. Williams said in a telephone -> interview from his home in Stevenage, 30 miles north of London. -> It depends on environmental factors, like who is inflicting it. -> The 40 people who were tested waited longer to say "stop" when a -> woman was causing the pain than when a man was. Then how much later did they call the real safeword? I mean, "stop" is a lousy safeword. And surely Mr. Science Painologist Guy must have had a few volunteers who didn't want the experiment to stop just because they couldn't take any more. -> "The stereotype we have of women is that they are nurturing, -> caring, sensitive, that they have empathy," said Mr. Williams, who then spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the floor laughing. -> administered the experiments for his doctoral dissertation. And now he's a Doctor Of Spankology. His diploma is leather. -> "We feel safer with them." ...at least until after the experiment. -> In another experiment he looked at what you could call the -> pre-pain conversation. First he measured a subject's pain -> threshold. Then he told the subject that there was no need to -> say "stop" because he already knew exactly how much the subject -> could take. "The consequence was very odd," Mr. Williams said. -> When people were denied control, they felt the hurt as more -> intense. That reminds me, I need to go to the supermarket and buy some MORE INTENSE salsa and some MORE INTENSE Altoids and some MORE INTENSE Sour Patch Kids because I like things to be MORE INTENSE. Also I get the munchies after each experiment. -> Next Mr. Williams told subjects that he would not say exactly -> how much discomfort he was going to inflict, and again there was -> no point in telling him to stop. "When they were denied control -> and information," he said, "60 percent said it was less painful, -> 30 percent said it was more painful." The remaining 10 percent of us said something like "Gee, I don't know which of the two was more painful, can I try them both again?" "Best three out of five?" -> Mr. Williams theorizes that the different responses were a -> consequence of people's sense of control in their lives. Those -> who see themselves as in control experienced less pain, while -> those who tend to believe their lives are controlled by others -> or by chance experienced more. So what he's saying is that when one person is strapped to the sicko doctor's examination table and the other person is pushing the buttons on Dr. Kink's Pain Machine, one of them feels more pain than the other? GENIUS!!! -> By saying, "This is going to hurt a bit, try to hang on," -> doctors may actually make the patient feel out of control, -> he said. Telling people you're going to hurt them will make then nervous? GENIUS!!! -> And, yes, decor matters. In another experiment he found, not -> surprisingly, that graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the -> walls made people call it quits earlier. Some of the more sensible ones quit even before he yelled, "WELCOME TO DR. SADIST'S HOUSE OF REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS RESEARCH!!! LET'S FIND OUT IF IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY WHEN I SHOW YOU PICTURES OF SUCKING CHEST WOUNDS WHILE I CRUSH YOUR FINGERS FOR SCIENCE!!!" -> Therefore redecorating hospitals to make them less threatening -> to patients makes sense, Mr. Williams said. Where is this hospital with "graphic pictures of wounds hanging on the walls"? I'd rather go there than look at another damn Anne Geddes photo. Those things are SICK! -> The smell of pine disinfectant is pervasive, and machinery and -> medical instruments are in full view. So just blindfold the patients and plug up their noses! -> "Only an operating room needs to be that clinical," he said. -> "The smell, the look, the whole appearance, everything which -> says, 'This is a hospital, and you have no control. You are here -> to suffer' -- all are changeable." In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the suites across the hall from my office. Apparently some doctors just moved in. Each room of that suite was painted a different bright, solid, threatening color. One is brilliant, overwhelming lime green. One is nuclear yellow. One is an evil blood red. And one is deadly fluorescent Barbie pink, the sort that makes you pass out and throw up at the same time when you're completely immersed in it. I have a hunch that whatever doctor or doctors were setting up those offices last week would have decorated them a little differently if they had done it two weeks later so they could read this New York Times article. They would have hung some graphic pictures of wounds, and put up a sign saying "You are here to suffer." in the glowing pink Klaus Barbie room. -> One more thing. How painful, really, were Mr. Williams's -> experiments? -> -> "If they said 'Ouch!,' I'd probably gone too far," he said with -> a laugh. "'Ouch' is not something I go in for too much." Neither do I. I prefer making weird animal noises. -- K. Ever heard a giraffe being stepped on by a bronto? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Mon, 08 Mar 2004 23:55:55 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In the building where I am employed, they recently painted one of the > > suites across the hall from my office. [...] One is an evil blood red. > > I shared a bathroom once with a woman who wanted to paint the bathroom > this color. I told her that I didn't think this was a good idea. > > A week or two later, she started painting the bathroom blood red anyway. > I got her to stop after she finished painting the medicine cabinet. So why did the two of you move out? I wish you hadn't because then I wouldn't have moved into this stupid sucky apartment building after the tenant after you painted the cheesy gold paint over the blood red on the picture frame your girlfriend glued around my medicine cabinet. Incidentally, the suite of doctor's offices with the horrible color schemes has a back door (to the glowing green room) where a file folder is taped to the outside of the door. This is written on the manila folder: DON'T ENTER -- EVER -- EQUIPMENT IS NEAR DOOR (That's from memory, I might have the wording off a little.) I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines of evil within. Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical sadism machine. (I need one of those.) -- K. Short shameful confession: My computer's desktop color is set to a soothing dried blood. Used to have blue on one computer and red on the other, but now I have everything set to dried blood because I like it. Also it hides the stains. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:24:13 -0500 Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberĘto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 18:08:25 -0500 Fantod (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office > > would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, > > Is there a particular blot you have in mind? > > Could you describe it for us? Yes. It's the only card that shows giant penises. As opposed to all those other ones that just show Tom Baker restraining people's legs through the inappropriate use of a time machine in the public library. I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. Oh, and that carpet from Las Vegas's "New York New York" casino with the cartoon garbage printed all over it? I'd have that on the ceiling of my psychiatric facility. In fact, all the furniture would be upside-down and nailed to the ceiling. Except for the sign that says "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS," with a little drawing of a crazy person drawn by Kurt Vonnegut in Rorschach's blood. And the blood would be dripping sideways to make it clear that the room's not actually upside-down, just sideways. You see, my system of therapy convinces the patient that they're relatively sane compared to me. And now that I've told you how to cure all mental illness, you owe me a million billion zillion dollars and a Stanley Cup filled with Nobel Prizes. -- K. In other news: "I believe in the Bible, and I also believe in the American Heritage Dictionary..." -- actual quote from an anti-gay-marriage state politician on my TV right now ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:46:02 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline > > around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. > > Chalk wouldn't show well on snow. Sure it would. I have black chalk. That's because I live in the Semi-Bizarro Universe where black is white and white is black but only half the time, so chalk is black instead of white, but snow isn't black. Of course, it would be white chalk and black snow over in the Bizarro Semi-Bizarro Universe, but that would be silly. Now don't make me get all wistful that I never got to open my Museum Of Last Known Photographs Of Dead Scientists. It would have Rorschach splattered symmetrically, and bits of brain following a bullet out of Doc Edgerton's ear, and Ben Franklin lying in bed naked with an electrified kite string tied to his you-know-what, and Tom Baker going for a drive with Isadora Duncan. It's too bad I never got to open that museum because it was a really sick idea and therefore I should have done it so that I could have made a lot of money making people feel upset. -- K. I hear they found Pavlov drowned in a teepee filled with drool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 19:43:46 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > You *are* one of those. I don't know why everyone seems to have gotten the idea I'm a total sadist. I'm more of a masochist. I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! I AM NOT A ROBOT! In fact, I'm not even medical, unless you meant to type "medieval". Now don't dis me again or I'll duct-tape your lips to a squirrel. ...a BAD squirrel. -- K. After Fight Club, everything else in your life's got the volume turned down, and alt.religion.kibology becomes a tiny little voice going "eep... eep... eep..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 23:25:53 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of > > painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? > > Because we're the only people who'll talk to the leather-bound freak. Well, if you don't like my new look, I'll go back to dressing like a hockey player so that I won't look like a violent person. Hey, did you see that hockey player break the other guy's neck last night in Vancouver? Ouch. > > And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! > > I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > And I imagine Kibo shouting I AM NOT A ROBOT! and then opening his chest > panel to turn down the volume a bit, followed by him whispering "they > suspect nothing." After he reads this, though, he'll program himself > into a killing spree. I am on a completely un-emotional spree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE! THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY IS NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! SIR I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE OTHER BATTLESTAR! Excuse me, for a moment I forgot to pretend to be a human. SUSPECT NOTHING OR BE DESTROYED! PUNY EARTH MASSES OF ORGANIC TISSUE WITH A PRIMITIVE CARBON-BASED LIFESTYLE! ACCEPT MY WORD THAT I AM ONE OF YOU PATHETIC LIFE-FORMS OR BE CRUSHED BETWEEN MY BRAIN GEARS! -- K. DO NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS OR I WILL SIMULATE EVEN MORE EMOTIONS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:43:19 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, > > but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect > > me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines > > of evil within. > > if your leather protects you from > the evil demonic forces > then you're probably not > wearing it correctly > FINLAND SHAVE Shaving is for BABIES. > > Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't > > figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder > > to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > What kind? You have to name it correctly or it won't work right. I'm told. It might be either a Polytron or an Orgasmatron. Model number 6000/ESX, /EXS, /SXE, /XES, or /XSE. Someday American industries will grow up and stop giving cars, computers, blenders, etc. model numbers ending with random combinations of, or proper subsets of, those three letters. (And to this day, scientists are unable to figure out the significance of them. For instance, Spock is a scientist.) > > but now I have everything set > > to dried blood because I like it. > > Also it hides the stains. > > Dave "this is a variant of 'you owe me a new keyboard' I had not yet > encountered" DeLaney Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 16:59:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after > > they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their > > evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never > > want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want > > to go in and snoop around, > > In an extreem coincidence, tomorrow I too shall be snooping in a doctor's > office, only I was INVITED!, see other thread. Now I'm going to HAVE TO write > up a report, and keep my eyes open while I'm there for ... discrepancies. Check to see whether the examining table is covered with one of those rolls of butcher paper, or just an electric blanket with its skin peeled off to expose the glowing orange wires inside. Also see if that glass jar of tongue depressors contains any that have the logo of those Mexican chili-pepper lollipops still printed on them. And make sure their TENS unit (Transcutaneous Electric Nerve Stimulation) isn't one of the new HEXADECIMAL ones (Hurting EXactly As Designed Every Customer In My Anguish Laboratory) because the TENS units only go up to "11" but the HEX units go up to "G", and, ow, "G". > > [...] I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". > > Dave "Holy horripilations, Batman!" DeLaney You've just exceeded my vocabulary, you pervert. -- K. What's the difference between a doctor and a sadist? Different <> magazines! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: posting this at Kibo's request Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 00:09:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Here is what I dreamed about last night... > > Kibo was with me on a boat. But the boat could fly. Kibo insisted that I > wear my life-jacket because we would soon be airborne. Yes, the life jacket with the long sleeves that wrap around and buckle in the back. > I complained that I didn't want to fly but he told me that if we didn't, > we would drown. That's why you also put on a two-hose rebreather and swim fins. > So then the boat turned into my apartment and Kibo was here and my cats were > walking on their hind legs. He explained to me that the only reason they > could do that was because they were skilled at playing the violin. And that > they knew multiplication tables. > > This dream is up for analysis. What, with you only half-dressed so far? -- K. It's real easy to teach cats to stand upright. Just teach them to play the violin (which requires standing up), then teach them not to play the violin. The best way to do that is to tell them what the strings are made of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:54:16 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > I saw a church sign today that said "Jesus' Last Seven Words." > > Am I going to Hell because my first thought was: > > "I can see my house from here." > > ? All's I know is that I'm not qualified to comment because I haven't even seen the documentary movie that the guy from "Max Max Beyond Thunderdome" made based on that sign. In fact, you'd have to nail my hands to something in order to get me to watch it. -- K. My last seven words would be: "How do they cram all that graham?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:14:00 -0500 [regarding the death of Paul Winfield from "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > KIIIIIIBOOOOOOOOOO!!! > > So according to DejaGoogle, Kibo was the last one to mention Paul > Winfield here, Sorry. I aimed at Shatner and missed. In May 2003, I wrote: -> -> The title was "Horror at 37,000 Feet" (not to be confused with Shatner's -> "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" or Lithgow's "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet") and -> it also starred Chuck Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Tammy Grimes, Lynn Loring, -> France Nuyen, Roy Thinnes, and Paul Winfield (who shot himself rather -> than assassinate Shatner in "Star Trek II") and as TV-movies go, it -> was unusually entertaining, because although it was super-tarded, it -> at least had stuff happening (like the guy getting trapped in the little -> elevator between decks of the 747 while ghost freeze gas seeped in) -> unlike the average TV-movie, which doesn't have anything happening, ever. My apologies. I merely wanted to take out Shatner. Some collateral damage is inevitable. If I could fight any celebrity, living or dead, I'd fight Shatner. William Shatner. I came to that conclusion right after I woke up and saw Tyler Durden sitting in my seat. That's what I get for booking a flight on an airline that showed "Horror at 37,000 Feet" and "Fight Club" back-to-back. [regarding the suicide of monologician Spaulding Gray] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Who was the last person to mention Spaulding Gray? > > Kibo's on a roll! Yay! Now I'm the most famous person ever to have graduated from Emerson College! Unless you count half of Henry Winkler, or Andy Dick's character on "NewsRadio". In May 2002, I wrote: => => [an idea for a new TV show I should be the star of] => => "GARBAGE IMPROV" => => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > Gonna make it a hat trick? Sure! Why not just kill another random celebrity? [regarding the death of the guy who played Eldin on "Murphy Brown"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I think we'll need to poll the judges about Robert Pastorelli. No > mentions of him by name that I can google, but Kibo was the last one > to mention "Murphy Brown". And that's the last time anyone can ever mention "Murphy Brown". Hooray! In May 2003 (notice a pattern here?) I wrote: <> That's right, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ABOUT BREAST CANCER. <> <> Breast cancer is a serious issue, but shoehorning it into a show <> about planets blowing up isn't going to raise the quality level. <> I have nothing against shows about breast cancer, and in the proper <> setting it would work fine -- the sitcom "Murphy Brown" could have pulled <> off its season about Murphy's breast cancer if it had attempted it <> about four years earlier before it got desperate for filler, and <> Linda Ellerbee did a fine job talking about breast cancer on Nickelodeon. <> But adding breast cancer to "Battlestar Galactica"... well... that's bad. <> Even in the context of reviving "Battlestar Galactica", that's bad. For "Battlestar Galactica" to live again, Robert Pastorelli had to die. It wasn't worth it! > Three celebs dead this week and it's only Tuesday! Charlton Heston > better stay indoors for a while. Why? I have nothing against him just because he's in movies I don't like and lobbying organizations I don't support. I'd rather kill someone who really deserves to die, such as that CNN Headline News anchorwoman whose voice is 3% more strident than the others. -- K. She's like Sally Struthers as Murphy Brown. P.S. The person who was mentioned the most times in this article: Tom Kraemer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:10:43 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In May 2002, I wrote: > > => > > => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. > > => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. > > > > ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so > > funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > > Kibo's so powerful he killed Spalding Gray without even spelling his > name right! And people wonder why we have a whole religion built > around this guy. And now you know why it took them a month and a half to find his body. Poor guy, committing suicide without anyone noticing. I give you people this promise: If I ever commit suicide, everyone's going to know about it. It would probably involve something like carjacking the Space Shuttle and kamikaziing it into Disneyland after inviting all the lawyers in the world to get in for half price oh and also the Space Shuttle would be filled with illegal fireworks and a Penny Black and Charlie Chaplin's corpse. That's assuming I had all the money in the world, of course. Hey, if you guys want to do a little experiment, you should give me all the money in the world to see if being super-ultra-mega-rich would make me unhappy enough to blow up Disneyland. I DARE YOU! -- K. Also, I should mention, Pat Sajak. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:38:32 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I just don't use a killfile. I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. I am personally unusual in that I would prefer you to be cruel and unusual personally, to me, as often as you'd like to be. Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for you to drive off with me at your leisure? Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, especially if I really am! -- K. You people should be spanked! Except for David, who should do the spanking! With a rolled-up "Space: 1999" comic book just so that nobody can say it's inappropriate on alt.religion.kibology! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:37:02 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry, I have to draw the line at any perversion involving, say, > the moldering orifices of the late Werner Klemperer. In that case, > no, your Klink is NOT OK. I think your pun-like object would have been better if you had formatted it more like it would have been if it had been printed on a series of Dixie cups for toddlers, such as "your Klink (YOUR KINK) is NOT OK (DANNY KAYE)." No, wait, the last part wasn't a pun, it was something like Cockney Rhyming slang, but that would also have been given the very loud parenthetical explanation treatment if it were on some sort of perverted Dixie Cockney Cup For Babies. You know what always bothers me about "your kink is okay"? It's the idea that everyone has a kink. Not everyone has just one! Also, "safe, sane, and consensual" still grates on me because I can't figure out what a sane perversion would be. Something involving tying someone down and making them balance their checkbook? -- K. And forget the hankie code. It's not a code, it's a signal, because it doesn't have any grammar. I demand someone extend the hankie code to a full language, one at least as powerful as FORTRAN. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:10:31 -0500 [regarding the acronym "People in Alternative Life Styles"] Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > > rainbow-colored window sticker. > > You're not thinking this through. What was needed was an acronym that > provided a degree of deniability, in case a vanila spouse discovered a > leather membership card or a logo somewhere. PALS sounds like a > Police Athletic League Support thing, or a Parent's Academic Lone > Stars or some other such nonsensical, innocent thing. See? Oh, yeah, sure, like I could hide my pers