From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: posting this at Kibo's request Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 00:09:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Here is what I dreamed about last night... > > Kibo was with me on a boat. But the boat could fly. Kibo insisted that I > wear my life-jacket because we would soon be airborne. Yes, the life jacket with the long sleeves that wrap around and buckle in the back. > I complained that I didn't want to fly but he told me that if we didn't, > we would drown. That's why you also put on a two-hose rebreather and swim fins. > So then the boat turned into my apartment and Kibo was here and my cats were > walking on their hind legs. He explained to me that the only reason they > could do that was because they were skilled at playing the violin. And that > they knew multiplication tables. > > This dream is up for analysis. What, with you only half-dressed so far? -- K. It's real easy to teach cats to stand upright. Just teach them to play the violin (which requires standing up), then teach them not to play the violin. The best way to do that is to tell them what the strings are made of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:43:19 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, > > but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect > > me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines > > of evil within. > > if your leather protects you from > the evil demonic forces > then you're probably not > wearing it correctly > FINLAND SHAVE Shaving is for BABIES. > > Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't > > figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder > > to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > What kind? You have to name it correctly or it won't work right. I'm told. It might be either a Polytron or an Orgasmatron. Model number 6000/ESX, /EXS, /SXE, /XES, or /XSE. Someday American industries will grow up and stop giving cars, computers, blenders, etc. model numbers ending with random combinations of, or proper subsets of, those three letters. (And to this day, scientists are unable to figure out the significance of them. For instance, Spock is a scientist.) > > but now I have everything set > > to dried blood because I like it. > > Also it hides the stains. > > Dave "this is a variant of 'you owe me a new keyboard' I had not yet > encountered" DeLaney Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 16:59:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after > > they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their > > evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never > > want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want > > to go in and snoop around, > > In an extreem coincidence, tomorrow I too shall be snooping in a doctor's > office, only I was INVITED!, see other thread. Now I'm going to HAVE TO write > up a report, and keep my eyes open while I'm there for ... discrepancies. Check to see whether the examining table is covered with one of those rolls of butcher paper, or just an electric blanket with its skin peeled off to expose the glowing orange wires inside. Also see if that glass jar of tongue depressors contains any that have the logo of those Mexican chili-pepper lollipops still printed on them. And make sure their TENS unit (Transcutaneous Electric Nerve Stimulation) isn't one of the new HEXADECIMAL ones (Hurting EXactly As Designed Every Customer In My Anguish Laboratory) because the TENS units only go up to "11" but the HEX units go up to "G", and, ow, "G". > > [...] I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". > > Dave "Holy horripilations, Batman!" DeLaney You've just exceeded my vocabulary, you pervert. -- K. What's the difference between a doctor and a sadist? Different <> magazines! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:24:13 -0500 Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberÊto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:46:02 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline > > around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. > > Chalk wouldn't show well on snow. Sure it would. I have black chalk. That's because I live in the Semi-Bizarro Universe where black is white and white is black but only half the time, so chalk is black instead of white, but snow isn't black. Of course, it would be white chalk and black snow over in the Bizarro Semi-Bizarro Universe, but that would be silly. Now don't make me get all wistful that I never got to open my Museum Of Last Known Photographs Of Dead Scientists. It would have Rorschach splattered symmetrically, and bits of brain following a bullet out of Doc Edgerton's ear, and Ben Franklin lying in bed naked with an electrified kite string tied to his you-know-what, and Tom Baker going for a drive with Isadora Duncan. It's too bad I never got to open that museum because it was a really sick idea and therefore I should have done it so that I could have made a lot of money making people feel upset. -- K. I hear they found Pavlov drowned in a teepee filled with drool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 18:08:25 -0500 Fantod (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office > > would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, > > Is there a particular blot you have in mind? > > Could you describe it for us? Yes. It's the only card that shows giant penises. As opposed to all those other ones that just show Tom Baker restraining people's legs through the inappropriate use of a time machine in the public library. I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. Oh, and that carpet from Las Vegas's "New York New York" casino with the cartoon garbage printed all over it? I'd have that on the ceiling of my psychiatric facility. In fact, all the furniture would be upside-down and nailed to the ceiling. Except for the sign that says "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS," with a little drawing of a crazy person drawn by Kurt Vonnegut in Rorschach's blood. And the blood would be dripping sideways to make it clear that the room's not actually upside-down, just sideways. You see, my system of therapy convinces the patient that they're relatively sane compared to me. And now that I've told you how to cure all mental illness, you owe me a million billion zillion dollars and a Stanley Cup filled with Nobel Prizes. -- K. In other news: "I believe in the Bible, and I also believe in the American Heritage Dictionary..." -- actual quote from an anti-gay-marriage state politician on my TV right now ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 19:43:46 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > You *are* one of those. I don't know why everyone seems to have gotten the idea I'm a total sadist. I'm more of a masochist. I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! I AM NOT A ROBOT! In fact, I'm not even medical, unless you meant to type "medieval". Now don't dis me again or I'll duct-tape your lips to a squirrel. ...a BAD squirrel. -- K. After Fight Club, everything else in your life's got the volume turned down, and alt.religion.kibology becomes a tiny little voice going "eep... eep... eep..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 23:25:53 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of > > painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? > > Because we're the only people who'll talk to the leather-bound freak. Well, if you don't like my new look, I'll go back to dressing like a hockey player so that I won't look like a violent person. Hey, did you see that hockey player break the other guy's neck last night in Vancouver? Ouch. > > And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! > > I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > And I imagine Kibo shouting I AM NOT A ROBOT! and then opening his chest > panel to turn down the volume a bit, followed by him whispering "they > suspect nothing." After he reads this, though, he'll program himself > into a killing spree. I am on a completely un-emotional spree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE! THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY IS NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! SIR I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE OTHER BATTLESTAR! Excuse me, for a moment I forgot to pretend to be a human. SUSPECT NOTHING OR BE DESTROYED! PUNY EARTH MASSES OF ORGANIC TISSUE WITH A PRIMITIVE CARBON-BASED LIFESTYLE! ACCEPT MY WORD THAT I AM ONE OF YOU PATHETIC LIFE-FORMS OR BE CRUSHED BETWEEN MY BRAIN GEARS! -- K. DO NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS OR I WILL SIMULATE EVEN MORE EMOTIONS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:54:16 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > I saw a church sign today that said "Jesus' Last Seven Words." > > Am I going to Hell because my first thought was: > > "I can see my house from here." > > ? All's I know is that I'm not qualified to comment because I haven't even seen the documentary movie that the guy from "Max Max Beyond Thunderdome" made based on that sign. In fact, you'd have to nail my hands to something in order to get me to watch it. -- K. My last seven words would be: "How do they cram all that graham?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:14:00 -0500 [regarding the death of Paul Winfield from "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > KIIIIIIBOOOOOOOOOO!!! > > So according to DejaGoogle, Kibo was the last one to mention Paul > Winfield here, Sorry. I aimed at Shatner and missed. In May 2003, I wrote: -> -> The title was "Horror at 37,000 Feet" (not to be confused with Shatner's -> "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" or Lithgow's "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet") and -> it also starred Chuck Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Tammy Grimes, Lynn Loring, -> France Nuyen, Roy Thinnes, and Paul Winfield (who shot himself rather -> than assassinate Shatner in "Star Trek II") and as TV-movies go, it -> was unusually entertaining, because although it was super-tarded, it -> at least had stuff happening (like the guy getting trapped in the little -> elevator between decks of the 747 while ghost freeze gas seeped in) -> unlike the average TV-movie, which doesn't have anything happening, ever. My apologies. I merely wanted to take out Shatner. Some collateral damage is inevitable. If I could fight any celebrity, living or dead, I'd fight Shatner. William Shatner. I came to that conclusion right after I woke up and saw Tyler Durden sitting in my seat. That's what I get for booking a flight on an airline that showed "Horror at 37,000 Feet" and "Fight Club" back-to-back. [regarding the suicide of monologician Spaulding Gray] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Who was the last person to mention Spaulding Gray? > > Kibo's on a roll! Yay! Now I'm the most famous person ever to have graduated from Emerson College! Unless you count half of Henry Winkler, or Andy Dick's character on "NewsRadio". In May 2002, I wrote: => => [an idea for a new TV show I should be the star of] => => "GARBAGE IMPROV" => => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > Gonna make it a hat trick? Sure! Why not just kill another random celebrity? [regarding the death of the guy who played Eldin on "Murphy Brown"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I think we'll need to poll the judges about Robert Pastorelli. No > mentions of him by name that I can google, but Kibo was the last one > to mention "Murphy Brown". And that's the last time anyone can ever mention "Murphy Brown". Hooray! In May 2003 (notice a pattern here?) I wrote: <> That's right, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ABOUT BREAST CANCER. <> <> Breast cancer is a serious issue, but shoehorning it into a show <> about planets blowing up isn't going to raise the quality level. <> I have nothing against shows about breast cancer, and in the proper <> setting it would work fine -- the sitcom "Murphy Brown" could have pulled <> off its season about Murphy's breast cancer if it had attempted it <> about four years earlier before it got desperate for filler, and <> Linda Ellerbee did a fine job talking about breast cancer on Nickelodeon. <> But adding breast cancer to "Battlestar Galactica"... well... that's bad. <> Even in the context of reviving "Battlestar Galactica", that's bad. For "Battlestar Galactica" to live again, Robert Pastorelli had to die. It wasn't worth it! > Three celebs dead this week and it's only Tuesday! Charlton Heston > better stay indoors for a while. Why? I have nothing against him just because he's in movies I don't like and lobbying organizations I don't support. I'd rather kill someone who really deserves to die, such as that CNN Headline News anchorwoman whose voice is 3% more strident than the others. -- K. She's like Sally Struthers as Murphy Brown. P.S. The person who was mentioned the most times in this article: Tom Kraemer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:10:43 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In May 2002, I wrote: > > => > > => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. > > => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. > > > > ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so > > funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > > Kibo's so powerful he killed Spalding Gray without even spelling his > name right! And people wonder why we have a whole religion built > around this guy. And now you know why it took them a month and a half to find his body. Poor guy, committing suicide without anyone noticing. I give you people this promise: If I ever commit suicide, everyone's going to know about it. It would probably involve something like carjacking the Space Shuttle and kamikaziing it into Disneyland after inviting all the lawyers in the world to get in for half price oh and also the Space Shuttle would be filled with illegal fireworks and a Penny Black and Charlie Chaplin's corpse. That's assuming I had all the money in the world, of course. Hey, if you guys want to do a little experiment, you should give me all the money in the world to see if being super-ultra-mega-rich would make me unhappy enough to blow up Disneyland. I DARE YOU! -- K. Also, I should mention, Pat Sajak. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:38:32 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I just don't use a killfile. I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. I am personally unusual in that I would prefer you to be cruel and unusual personally, to me, as often as you'd like to be. Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for you to drive off with me at your leisure? Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, especially if I really am! -- K. You people should be spanked! Except for David, who should do the spanking! With a rolled-up "Space: 1999" comic book just so that nobody can say it's inappropriate on alt.religion.kibology! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:37:02 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry, I have to draw the line at any perversion involving, say, > the moldering orifices of the late Werner Klemperer. In that case, > no, your Klink is NOT OK. I think your pun-like object would have been better if you had formatted it more like it would have been if it had been printed on a series of Dixie cups for toddlers, such as "your Klink (YOUR KINK) is NOT OK (DANNY KAYE)." No, wait, the last part wasn't a pun, it was something like Cockney Rhyming slang, but that would also have been given the very loud parenthetical explanation treatment if it were on some sort of perverted Dixie Cockney Cup For Babies. You know what always bothers me about "your kink is okay"? It's the idea that everyone has a kink. Not everyone has just one! Also, "safe, sane, and consensual" still grates on me because I can't figure out what a sane perversion would be. Something involving tying someone down and making them balance their checkbook? -- K. And forget the hankie code. It's not a code, it's a signal, because it doesn't have any grammar. I demand someone extend the hankie code to a full language, one at least as powerful as FORTRAN. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:10:31 -0500 [regarding the acronym "People in Alternative Life Styles"] Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > > rainbow-colored window sticker. > > You're not thinking this through. What was needed was an acronym that > provided a degree of deniability, in case a vanila spouse discovered a > leather membership card or a logo somewhere. PALS sounds like a > Police Athletic League Support thing, or a Parent's Academic Lone > Stars or some other such nonsensical, innocent thing. See? Oh, yeah, sure, like I could hide my personality from my lover forever by putting "Police Athletic Supporter" on a card in my pocket. (Note that I don't have a wallet, because it seems kind of redundant with the leather clothes.) Also, how could I marry someone who doesn't like to have fun? That's one of the reasons I divorced television's waxy and semi-articulated Barbara Bain, because her idea of fun was to just do a funny accent to try to steal my passwords for launching the nuclear missiles in some country whose name begins with three consonants followed by five vowels, all with umlauts. That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. And a person like that would just laugh at me if I had a little card that said something dopey like "PALS" on it. I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group is something like "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" or something. Not that I'm against playtime, fun, or hugginess (I would draw the line at Huggies, though) but while you're tightening the straps on your bed, you need an acronym you can say with a straight face, and "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" wouldn't do it. (Especially if your partner finds out that the double "G"s stand for "Golly Gosh", and one of the "P"s is for "Potsie".) The proper way to signal your special little kink is always to make up a new pride flag. Mine just has a picture of me on it. And there's a speech balloon where I'm saying "I LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SCARES NORMAL PEOPLE!" I figure that's subtle enough. (Certainly, most people on a.r.k wouldn't pick up the hint.) -- K. "PALS"? That is SO GAY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:45:54 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion > > sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. > > Kibo, I don't know what it is, but you come up with the best ideas. Oh, I never run out of things to do to people -- I mean, for people. > How did you know that I could never decide which "Avengers" character to > lust after? I KNOW ALL! You are as transparent to me as a newborn volvox! > Or that I watched the movie with Ralph Fiennes because the idea of > someone as sexy as him dressed like Patrick MacNee was too much for > me to take? I figured you didn't watch it for the lucid plot. Does the DVD version include any of the missing scenes which would have explained what the hell they were thinking when they made the half of that movie that got released? > Combining the two characters is the best idea I have ever heard, and > the best excuse I've ever had for finally becoming a mad scientist. So what you're saying is, you really like the parts of Vincent Price's "Theatre Of Blood" where Diana Rigg _is_ dressed as Patrick Macnee? That's my favorite Shakespeare comedy after Julie Taymor's laugh-a-minute version of "Titus Andronicus". (In the Vincent Price version they only do the last scene of "Titus Andronicus", and they gay it up a little.) Anyway, for much of that movie Diana Rigg is a dapper, slim young man with a big mustache and sunglasses. (You see what I mean about how they gayed up Shakespeare. In his day, there would have been none of this business with a woman playing a man -- it would have been a man playing a woman playing a man, which would have straightened it out.) I should also point out that that Vincent Price movie is the only time you're likely to see anyone even mention the existence of Shakespeare's sucky "Cymbeline", the worst of the three Shakespeare plays I've read that feature wacky severed-head comic relief. (I'm only counting "Titus Andronicus" once, despite everyone in that one being repeatedly dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated.) "Cymbeline" was Shakespeare's knock-off of "The Trouble With Harry", Hitchcock's least funny film. -- K. I wish Shakespeare were here so we could watch "Brazil", "Fight Club", and "Pulp Fiction". He'd love those DVDs, even though the characters don't speak in rap like everyone did back in his time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:37:31 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group ... > > Allow me to clarify. There IS no "PALS group." And I am not a > group-joining person, so even if such a group existed I would not be a > part of it. I was speaking of identifying the broad-spectrum of > kink-enhanced peoples with such an acronym. I'm sorry, but your acronym is not okay. Us pervs will stand for silly flags, hankie semaphores, and secret ways of wearing our socks so as to indicate our private dimensions, but your acronym is too sissy for those of us who happen to be butch. Go peddle your acronym on Charles Nelson Reilly. Maybe you could monogram it onyo a frilly hankie for him. > And as far as you being gay and all, we already KNOW that, so you can > skip that part in your coming-out speech. Well, just for that, I'm not coming out. That'll teach you to make assumptions about my orientation based on at least one subtle hint I may have dropped. > I am just hoping you are not a craven, sniveling subbie-boy. > > But if you are, we'll all get a kick out of watching DeLaney pull on > his thigh-highs and whale the tar out of you! And what if I'm versatile? What if I have the urge to punish people who keep trying to stick inane acronyms to me? -- K. And it's not an "alternative lifestyle". It's my NORMAL lifestyle. This is me all day from now on, baby. I'm here, I'm NORMAL, get used to it. Yay for Einstein allowing me to choose any fixed frame of reference! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:39:31 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started > > > wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY > > > or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? > > > > Personally, *I'VE* been wondering when the hell you're going to get it > > up enough to jump off the fence and NAME YOUR PARAPHILIA! > > [...] Kibo's perv is probably going to involve root beer flavored > pudding, and none of us can compete with that kind of action. Well, I do wear the "I EAT GLUE." T-shirt under my leather jacket with my leather hat and leather pants and leather boots and leather gloves, but it doesn't say "I EAT REALLY DISGUSTING ROOT-BEER-FLAVORED GLUE SOLD AT THE NEW SUPERMARKET THE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO USED TO SHOP AT THE OLD ONE AROUND THE CORNER HAVEN'T DISCOVERED YET," so I guess my kink will have to remain a mystery, and you'll have to keep cleaning my boots until you guess it. And, oh look, I seem to have accidentally gotten disgusting root-beer-flavored pudding all over my boots. Start licking. > > Besides, "kinky" is SO last century. Now we call ourselves PALS: > > People in Alternative Life Styles. > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > rainbow-colored window sticker. "PALS" is "SLAP" spelled backwards. That could stand for "Sadomasochistic Lemmings Ate Pudding". But that wouldn't help, unless they did, and not even a sadomasochist will eat that stuff. I mean, it has the color of kitty litter but the texture of snot. And frankly, I bet snot would taste better. Icky chemically-synthesized faux nineteenth-century root beer flavor doesn't even belong in root beer, let alone those no-refrigeration-needed pudding cups where the whole milk has been replaced by a mixture of liquid latex and turpentine. -- K. When I finally name my paraphilia, you can bet it's going to be something like "Kibophrenia", "Kibosmosis", or possibly "Kibogeddon". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 00:46:36 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. > > > > [...] Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you > > the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for > > you to drive off with me at your leisure? > > Er - it's already 5am... Good thing this is one of those cool new cars with wireless Internet access in the trunk. > And wouldn't I have to rent a rental car to drive to where you had parked > the rental car (I -hope- it's in Park), since the last time I tried to get > near New York State my car decided to die in a burst of smoking transmission > agony, and this one's not feeling all -that- much better but I've convinced > it it can run anyway? We're going to New York? Cool! Can we go to White Castle? > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering > > yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be > > kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: > > Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested > > in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, > > especially if I really am! > > If that were subjunctive I think it wouldn't be correct. Luckily it isn't, > so I think it may be. Oh, you truly are the master of dominance and subjunctivism. > > You people should be spanked! > > Except for David, who should > > do the spanking! With a > > rolled-up "Space: 1999" > > comic book just so that nobody > > can say it's inappropriate > > on alt.religion.kibology! > > Does this mean it's once again time to shuffle the personalities again here > on ark? It would be if more people had them. Fortunately, I am the only personality here. > Because I have to say I'm fairly sure Harlan does this better than me. Yeah, but whenver he spanks someone he always stomps a dirty word into their neatly-vacuumed white carpet and leaves them tied to the bed when he goes off to steal ideas from "The Terminator" for some "Outer Limits" episodes he's writing. -- K. "Run! It's Harlan Ellison with a whip! This is scarier than that time Ray Bradbury crushed my house with his steamroller!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 14:40:25 -0500 The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Greetings, > > Forgive my solicitous nature, but... for the past few months I've had > the privilege of house-sitting for my Grandson, and though I haven't > burned the place down to the ground I've also been somewhat negligent > when cleaning up spills and such as quickly as my Grandson would > probably have liked. Look, I'm no spring chicken here, so I slacked off > while the liquids set into various fabrics, it happens. None of this was > done to be malicious. I'm just forgetful. When you say "various liquids", are we talking beverages, or something that happens after the beverages? > Despite my lackadaiscial and some would say apathetic approach to the > science of housework I've just learned that he'll be returning home from > the clinic where he's been staying by Friday, or Saturday, and I fear > I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I could use some assistance. LIKE NOW! THE STAINS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE PICKLE! (cue pickle-flavored "Twilight Zone" music) > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? I usually call Harvey Keitel. He fixes things for me. And nobody notices, or if they do, they're gone. Simple problems demand simple solutions. Oh, and you might want to clean that wristwatch really good, the one Chris Walken gave you. > Although I've stayed out of his room, the rest of the pad could use a > good "going over" as they say. Simply put, its looking quit bedraggled, > and I don't want to botch the job. AWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! Mr. Hole, you've GONE OVER! I'm sooooooooo sorrrrrrrrrrrry you're not going to win the Showcase Showdown, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!, Mr. Hole! AWWWWWWWWWW! Now promise to have your pet spayed or neutered or get off the stage. (When Bob Barker dies, who are they going to replace him with? Where will they ever find someone who can even pretend to have that much phony sympathy in such an obviously fake manner?) > Please, be precise, because I don't want my cleaning methods or work > ethic to be viewed as derelict. I claim right of salvage on your derelict, except I won't touch your dinghy. > Also, I would be remiss were I not to mention here that most of these > stains were caused by my ectoplasm. I'm afraid I just expel the stuff at > the drop of a hat; I could be floating somewhere, minding my own > beeswax, and if you were to take a peak underneath me you'd find a > rather thick, stewy puddle of the stuff all over the place, its quite > unsightly I'm afraid. > > Any cleaning tips would be appreciated. Well, who ya gonna call? > Huckleberry Hole Worst gay bar name EVER. Not even as good as "Yogi Bear's Cave" or "Snaggleputz" or "Snorks & Poppers" or "Scooby Do Me" or "Magilla Gorilla, Now A Lesbian". I should add that all Hanna-Barbera cartoons are destined to become gay bars. That's part of the secret agenda of Hanna-Barbera, to raise a generation of gay kids who like to slide back and forth across the same background over and over while yelling "BARNEY! MY PEBBLES!" -- K. It all started with "Pie Pirates". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:18:48 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > BTW, is anyone else annoyed when casual acquaintances and cow-orkers > refer to you by a diminutive form of your name (if that's what it's > called)? Lots of my cow-orkers, and my boss, often call me "Kev." > Since my boss's name is Ben, I'm a bit at a disadvantage if I wish to > retaliate in kind. I suppose I could respond by saying "Buh," but he's > used to hearing that from me. I don't know who this B.T.W. person is you're talking to, but yeah, I hate it when people call me by some nickname like "James" or "Jim" instead of "Kibo". In terms of retaliation, you're not as clever as I am. I can make up new nicknames for people on the spot. If you call me something like "Jim" (and you're not someone who knew me when I was six) I'll call you something like "Dodie" or "Captain Dirto" or "Flumpy". Then if you ask, "How do you get 'Flumpy' from 'Kevin'?" I'll yell, "THE SAME WAY YOU GOT 'JIM' FROM 'KIBO'!" And when you hear me yell, you damn well better apologize in the form of an "I'm sorry, sir, it won't happen again, KIBO, sir," because when you hear me raise my voice you know bad things are about to happen because it's really quite RARE for me to speak in ALL CAPITALS. -- K. And then comes the curbjob. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:04:20 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > However, people who try and call me "Stace" to annoy me (as > > everyone on ARK did when I first revealed how pissed off I got) > > doesn't bother me much. It's the people who don't know me > > and who think that my name is too long and needs to be > > shortened that bug me. Two syllables is too hard! > > Contrariwise, I often think that people don't have sufficient > syllables in their names. I used to irritate a pal of mine > called Kerry by speculating on whether that was short for > Kerrence, Kerrington, or, perhaps, Keregrine. I like that. It's the opposite of demeaning someone by using an unwanted diminutive. You're honoring the person by making the name sound more pedigreed. By why limit yourself to making it upscale in such an Anglo way? Try some African-sounding name extensions. Kerrishasa and Kerrimbwe are just as much fun to say. > "Stacia" I would assume must be short for some splendidly > polysyllabic name too hard for Anglophones to pronounce > accurately, such as Staciannakaliopekaliphygia. > > Please do not disillusion me. I was just assuming it was a Roman name, the daughter of some famous gladiator named Stacius Stabbius. But the "-us" ending only gives us one extra letter and no bonus syllables. So, how can we pile more syls onto Stacia? Oh, I know -- it's short for "Sta Central Intelligence Agency". 'Cause she's a secret agent. Possibly a double or triple agent. Sent here to infiltrate alt.religion.kibology to tape our conversations and look for perverts so that the tapes of us talking dirty can be sent to that secret bunker where J. Edgar Hoover has been having a riotous party non-stop for the last thirty years, where ribald people are giggling while listening to tapes of people saying "wank". -- K. And I hear that John Kerry is short for "the offspring of a weird mating between Jay Leno and the mask from 'Scream'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 00:54:50 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I don't know who this B.T.W. person is you're talking to, but yeah, > > > I hate it when people call me by some nickname like "James" or > > > "Jim" instead of "Kibo". > > > > What do people call you? After ten years of pronouncing it Keebo, > > I cannot call you by your real nickname. Is Jim too familiar? Is > > Jimmy too stupid? > > I'm personally in favor of "Jim-Dandy", but that doesn't work quite as > well now that Kibo's changed his look so he's no longer the top-hat- > wearing dandy he used to be. Darn it, Kibo, put on your high-collared > shirt and ride your pennyfarthing bicycle back to the elegant 1880s, > because here in the queer 1930s it's just too dull for a fellow like > you. You can take your Ronson (not Ronco) Touch-Tip Turret cigarette > lighter back with you so you can set things on fire with style rather > than with Lucifer Matches. It's not the queer 1930s. It's the bacony 2000s. For the next thousand years. And if you ever, ever, EVER call me "Jim" with or without the "Dandy", I and my current imaginary husband (Jack Black) will never visit you again even though he's good friends with your real wife (Janeane Garofalo.) -- K. She confuses my sadar! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:09:54 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a relative back in the Civil War days who actually had the name > Dorcas Hoback. How sad would that be? Lately I've been thinking that if I ever go on a crime spree, first I should legally change my name to Fnu Lnu, or Nk Nk, just to confuse the people reading the police reports. (Those are short for "First Name Unknown", "Last Name Unknown", and "Not Known", and are filled in blanks when the arresting officer can't be bothered to torture you into telling them your name, or when he doesn't know which state you live in with Marge and Homer.) So, anyway, Dorcas Hoback. That name has an interesting rhythm to it. It's like poetry, except it's short and makes no sense. But it's sure fun to yell. Okay, I guess that makes it completely unlike poetry. Poetry is for sissies and squares, man! Dorcas Hoback is such a cool name it should be a swear word! -- K. or NK. That is the question. (Insert joke about mathematical logic in the form of a Shakespearean sonnet) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:19:07 -0500 [Concerning misspellings on birth certificates, like Elvis's middle name and that certificate that said Gene Rayburn was "human"] barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Clearly, the stress of childbirth on fathers' spelling means that > > we need to create a new profession sort of like midwives but with > > the job of offering spelling advice. > > Especially because my nephew and his wife named their daughter Elexus, > and they spelled it that way ON PURPOSE. Well, she could be "Ele" for short, but then people will keep giving her cases of Ensure for her birthday, especially if she votes for President Easy Reader. (Too bad nobody out there saw that movie, or if you did, you really shouldn't admit to it.) "Elexus" sounds like she should be hanging out with Jesse Ventura and Jim Belushi in "Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe". (Too bad some of you out there _did_ see that movie.) Also, no good name begins with "Sux" when spelled backwards. -- K. With regard to baby names, here's a fragment of a story I once started and couldn't bring myself to complete: BEETHOVEN'S FIRST BABY by James "Kibo" Parry "I've named him 'Captain Baggy Diapers Also Known As Shazbot Q. Pufnstuf And The Max Weinberg Seven In Bed The Clown On Fire Reptilicus Nutria Zombie Dominatrix Cancer O'Crumpet Verizon', with as his middle name, 'Dumbo Flubber Gloopy-Dee-Dee Triscuit-Like Clamato Rimmer Tourmalinated Gypsum Sardonicus Baggier Double Diapers Wigwam Etch-A-Sketch Plasmodium Effluent Fupper Fono Crontab Playtex Rubbermaid Schwarzenougat Trapezoidal Banana Monkeyfur J. Pussywillow With A Side Of Eraserhead'. It's all legal because I just wrote it on his birth certificate in blood, unless it has to be my blood in which case I'll need an eraser... c'mere, Eraserhead." [rest of story missing] THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:07:43 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > > > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? > > > > I usually call Harvey Keitel. > > I've just realized that if I marry Harvey Keitel, my last name will be > an anagram of my first name. I think I would like that. Hmm. If my iBook hadn't broken, then Pee-wee Herman could say, "Hey Kibo! For the rest of the day, your secret name is Kibo-O! And since you love your iBook, why don't you marry it? Then your last name would be an anagram of your secret name!" but that'll never happen, because I could never love a computer that breaks so easily, especially if Pee-wee wanted me to. Also, this iBook has the industrial design of a Frigidaire from 1953, except smaller and noisier. > Hell, I could do worse than Harvey Keitel. In that movie, there would be a few worse choices (such as Quentin Tarantino The Actor, the "It's Pat" woman, extremely old Emil Sitka, and of course John Travolta) but also some better choices. For instance, medieval computer genius Ving Rhames, or the Shaftacular Samuel L. Jackson. Me, I'd go for either whats-her-name -- you know, the tomato joke woman with the Betty Page 'do -- or best of all, that guy who co-wrote "It's Pat: The Movie". -- K. Oh, and if youse ever need ta cure ya'self of any attraction ta Harvey Keitel, see him as da medieval Spanish knight in dat udder film, "Star Knight", aka "Knight of da Dragon". Yeah, a medieval knight what talks like Keitel. You gotta problem wid funny accents, toikey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:16:21 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The other side of the coin is when someone makes a post that's pretty dang > brilliant and the other brilliant people can't think of anything to say and > the pathetic wankers (raises hand) are afraid to followup to the post as it > would expose them as the pathetic wankers (raises hand) that they are. So > here you'd have a post of amazing wit, memeness and topicality with nary a > followup. This happens fairly often and the concept was explored pretty > thoroughly in a discussion of how followups are often lacking to many of > David (an ego the size of Wisconsin) Pacheco's posts, but I'm too lazy to > attempt to look up the thread as the years have had a tendency to run > together and this may have been many years ago. Also the thread may have > only occurred in my mind as planted by the alien mind control lasers, but > even with that it was an interesting discussion. BEWARE THE SKIES! > > So I suppose what I'm attempting to say is that lack of followups isn't the > sign of a less than stellar post, it's people following up to say "YOU > SUCK" that's the sign of a less than stellar post. Also, BEWARE THE SKIES! What if they say "BEWARE YOU SUCK THE SKIES!" or possibly, "HOLY SHAZBOT, THAT'S A LESS THAN STELLAR POST, AND IT'S SO LESS THAN STELLAR THAT I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH I'M A PATHETIC WANKER WHO IS CONSIDERED PATHETIC EVEN BY PATHETIC WANKERS LIKE YOU!"? And does it count if they forget to use the STUPID CAPS? Also, nobody ever follows up to my posts. I think that, from now on, whenever I receive zero or fewer responses, that everyone should be subjected to negative reinforcement. That's right, I'm going to open up your three-ring binder and put in special little "O"-shaped stickers that make it impossible for the pages to stay in place. Also, how come those little stickers survived into the twentieth century? They belong to an era that had cravats and horseradish! -- K. I miss horseradish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:46:16 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I love Quizno's, but I'm boycotting them until they get rid of those > stoopid, obnoxious, fuzz covered rat turds on their commercials that > make me want to STICK A PENCIL UP DEEP INTO MY EYESOCKET AND SWIRL IT > AROUND IN COUNTER CLOCKWISE CIRCLES! Well, if you don't like the Quizno's commercials that star the shrieking feces with the horrible facial deformities and a hatred of all humanity, then I think you're probably going to dislike that new McDonalds ad campaign where they're replaced Ronald McDonald with a singing jar of vomit. And the best part is, you probably think I'm kidding. They're putting in a Quizno's across the street from my office right now. I don't know how they can do that, given that Brookline is one of those oh-we're-so-proud-of-how-white-we-are neighborhoods that won't allow McDonalds or Dunkin' Donuts to move in because those places attract the wrong kind of customers (i.e. people who don't wear sweaters.) Other than the forthcoming Quizno's, the closest that neighborhood has ever come to discovering the concept of fast food was when they put in a Trader Joe's, and then they still required it to be installed directly behind the drive-through bank whose "BLART! BLART! BLART! BLART!" alarm goes off whenever you walk through the drive-through lane just so you have adequate warning you're about to do something stupid when you go to Trader Joe's. There used to be an International House Of Pancakes down the street, but when they changed their name to "IHOP" they were forced out of business because the locals thought that "IHOP" sounded too much like rap lingo. However, that neighborhood does have a store that sells nothing but Gravity Boots, so that's a win if you like hanging upside-down better than you like eating. -- K. Both are good, and it's a great time-saver to combine them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:28:27 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > I miss horseradish. > > In Syracuse we have these places called "grocery stores", In Boston we have an invisible weapon '*'Sarcasm'*'. See, I was alluding to the way some things seem like they're from the nineteenth century even though we still have all the same stuff now that it's the twentieth century. > which sell a "variety" of "food items", including horseradish. > Also our across the street neighbor at our old house grows horseradish. It's probably not as kosher as the stuff I buy from the kosher supermarket over in the kosher section of town. I don't know why they bothered opening that market, though, because Boston doesn't have any Jewish people in it. > Also if you go to Clark's Ale House in Armory Square you can get a > roast beef sandwich and you can get horseradish to go on it. Wimp! I would order a horseradish sandwich with roast beef on it. > This one time? This friend of mine? He was there with a cow orker? > And they had a horseradish eating contest? And they got up to like > three tablespoons on a cracker in one mouthful and that was their > limit? And they declared it a draw? And the next morning? > He saw the cow orker? And informed her he'd changed his mind, she'd won! That isn't a complete story unless you tell me what the prize was for the winner. Was it one of those "Brady Bunch" things like "you have to be my slave for six months" like in that episode, you know the one I mean? > Or maybe you had to be there? But anyway I followed up to your post, > Kibo, so keep your filthy Klemperer-loving hands off my binders. I could never love Werner Klemperer. However, I do own the same model of tripod that was used in the final scene of "Auto Focus". So don't make me go all John Carpenter on your ass. (Sadly, I don't have a shiny, toy-like plastic Green Goblin suit to go with it.) As far as eating contests involving spicy food go, I should warn you that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. I need to get a bottle of real hot sauce (like the yellow Scotch Bonnet stuff I like) to bring into my office which is sandwiched between Trader Joe's and other places that don't sell hot sauce and barely even sell food. Trader Joe's sucks, especially if you like food you can taste. This "hot sauce" from Trader Joe's is about as weak as Tabasco. You have to bear in mind I have purchased at least three cans of that Vietnamese pepper powder with the picture of Henry Kissinger's favorite bomb on the side. Food should not just be spicy. Food should lead to screaming and running around in circles with tears squirting from one's eyes like fire hoses. Food should take one into headspace. Food should dissolve your plate so you don't have to wash it. Food should consist of a big bowl of hot sauce with a few bits of meat floating in it (the "Spice 'n' Hot" restaurant in Malden adheres to this philosophy, all their takeout consists of acid-proof polyethylene tubs of bright red liquid with unidentifiable meat bits suffering in it.) Horseradish is somewhat different in its effects compared to hot pepper. More of a tear-gas effect where the vapors make you feel like your shrivelled eyeballs are burrowing down into your sinus cavities. But hey, if you guys want to help me start a riot, I wouldn't object to being pepper-sprayed OR tear-gassed, so I can handle a little horseradish mixed in with the hot pepper. -- K. And also, I challenge everyone in the world to a bacon-eating contest. First one to eat all the bacon in the world wins! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:58:12 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in > > three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's > > just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. > > Be sure not to be tricked by the Trader Joe's sauce called the > "Scoville Scoundrel", which from the name of it sounds like it would > be ultra-hot, but it turns out to be just honey mustard sauce without > a hint of spiciness to it at all. Oh, I know. I always read the ingredients before I buy something (to make sure there's no cheese in it, always a concern at Trader Joe's.) The ingredients for this one were something like: INGREDIENTS: WATER, VINEGAR, CORN SYRUP, HOT SAUCE (HABENERO PEPPERS, WATER, VINEGAR), HONEY, MUSTARD, VANILLIN, RED DYES NUMBER ONE THROUGH NINETY-FIVE. I may be exaggerating a little, but some "hot sauce" made from habanero peppers was one of the sub-ingredients on the list, implying that Trader Joe's went to a real supermarket, bought one bottle of actual hot sauce, then watered it down to make the entire production run of the "Scoville Scoundrel". Habaneros are good. This sauce claims only to have been made from some diluted homeopathic tincture made from something made from something else that once touched a habanero. > Maybe it's called "Scoville" because, I don't know, maybe it was > invented in the same town as a Unix vendor whose headquarters is > covered in lawsuit cannons shooting lawsuits in all directions at > all times, because it sure doesn't deserve to be called that > because of spiciness. I haven't tasted it, and I never will. But I have had Pure Cap and various other hot sauces accompanied by marketing gimmicks that required me to sign waivers of liability, show proof of majority, etc. to taste them at that condiment tradeshow a couple years ago. You know, the one where I went from booth to booth saying, "Meh." -- K. Trader Joe's can kiss my spicy hot ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: it's like a Renaissance Festival, except with less bathing Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:53:10 -0500 [from apnews.excite.com] -> -> Nebraska Mayor Implements Shaving `ban' -> -> Mar 9, 11:04 AM (ET) -> -> LEXINGTON, Neb. (AP) - Beware of going whiskerless in Lexington -> these days. -> -> Lexington Mayor John Fagot has implemented a "ban" on shaving -> for every man in town older than 21. Never mind that, how does he feel about gay marriage? Or as he might spell it, gay mariage? -> Those caught clean-shaven without a shaving permit could face -> being dunked in a horse tank or other benign punishment. Mmm, the humiliating pleasure of benign punishment. Black is white! Up is down! Punishment is benign! Two and two make five! Europe has always been at war with Eastasia! -> The mayor implemented the lighthearted ban to get the town in -> the spirit of this summer's Plum Creek Days, a festival bearing -> the town's former name. One of the festival's traditional -> highlights is a beard-growing contest. At last, we've discovered a type of race more boring than the 2004 Presidential primaries. -> The not-so-consequential edict is in effect until July 5, the -> last day of the three-day festival. -> -> The ban is part of a Lexington-area tradition that began in 1939 -> with the first Plum Creek Days festival. Those wanting to shave -> can avoid being arrested and taken to Kangaroo Court by -> purchasing a special shaving permit. But they can only be purchased with old-timey wooden nickels which can only be earned by taking an old-timey job at a horehound mine while wearing old-timey underwear lined with old-timey camphor, because the olden days were wacky fun for everyone! Except the ones who died of mumps. -> Along with the shaving ban, the mayor has proclaimed all men and -> women must dress in Western or historic clothing on Fridays -> beginning in May. Also, NO BROWN LEATHER! UNLESS PART OF A COMPLETE COWBOY OUTFIT! -> Kangaroo Court will be held every Friday beginning June 4 and -> will included "trumped-up charges and fun sentencing," Fagot said. I was going to write a short story titled "Fagot's Fun Sentencing" which would be all about diagramming sentences with a Squiggle Writer, but then the phrase "trumped-up" suggested I'd have to put Donald Trump into the story, and having a gay guy in the same story as someone with that horrible hair-like hair might lead to lethal levels of cattiness, so instead I decided to write "Captain Kangaroo Court" where miscreants would be executed by having a million billion zillion Ping-Pong balls dropped on them, and if that didn't work, Bill Cosby would read PicturePages to them until their brains exploded, but that was too grim an idea to use in a story inspired by the late, sweet Bob Keeshan, so instead of writing a story about creative sentencing I settled for writing a sentence that took on a life of its own and wouldn't stop until it got to the phrase "All the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg," and that made this sentence almost as distressing as finding out that all the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg. -- K. Forget being arrested and taken to kangaroo court. I just want to be arrested by some sort of bear. Where's Smokey these days? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:50:58 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I think she was having an episode. Like Stacia. > > > > > > Stacia tends to have whole seasons. > > > > "Stacia doesn't just have issues; she has the full subscription." > > So, ask me what I had when I read the notarized eviction notice that > arrived in the mail this evening. > > Go ahead. Ask. Make sure it fits on a bumpersticker and is > accompanied by a cartoon woman with frizzy hair and bug eyes to > illustrate the point. Oh no! Now you'll have to yell "ACK!" while trying on a swimsuit every day for the rest of your life! Couldn't you at least have turned into Ziggy so that you'd never bother anyone? Ziggy never does anything, but Cathy keeps making that hairball noise! Sorry to hear about your eviction. (I've been hoping to get evicted, but it hasn't been working.) If you need a place to stay in the meantime, I can clear some of the laundry off the futon in the living room. The only TV is in my bedroom so you'll have to choose between no TV and no privacy. -- K. The futon is in the living room, because there's no space for it in the armor room. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:08:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > HOW I ALMOST GOT EVICTED AGAIN > BY LITTLE STACIA > AGE 3 MONTHS Hey! I think you might be lying about your age, you big grup! > [...] > I scraped together all but $67.00 of the rent. The manager of the > place told me that as long as you let him know what was going on and > paid the late fees, late rent was not a problem. So I dropped off rent > and a letter Friday and told them what was going on and would pay the > $67.00 plus late fees in a few days. > On Monday they sent out the notarized eviction notice. It gave me 24 > hours to pay rent and late fees or they'd sic the sheriff on me. > I knew that was not right. This is not my first eviction notice. > Remember, I was stupiderer once, and the slumlord I rented from several > years ago once tried to kick me out so she could raise the rent. Since > I'm not a lawyer I freely admit I may be misunderstanding this, but > Kansas law says if a landlord allows late rent "without reservation" > then they can't kick you out for nonpayment. And my lease allows late > rent with late fees. Holy cow. In Boston, they all say that if your rent is thirty seconds late, you get blindfolded and pushed into a vat of molten glass. > Being that I'm not a lawyer, and still a reasonable amount of stupid, > I chose to get a "payday loan" at a pawn shop paid the assholes. > But I'm not sure they could have evicted me, anyways. Look at it this way, at least it gave you an opportunity to surround yourself with the wonderful atmosphere of a pawn shop for a little while. It's like taking a vacation inside the mind of Charles Dickens. I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > I know I was late on $67.00 of the rent, and I accept that, but I was > dealing with it in the terms that are laid out in the lease, which last > I knew was legally binding. Plus I'd called the manager like a good > little girl. Threatening eviction after all that seems to be the work > of assholes. Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on moving into your apartment when they kick you out for paying your rent with money that smells like the durian wafers I keep in my wall safe to keep burglars from taking the $67 in life savings I have. That reminds me, I need to call my lawyer to find out what's going on with the class action suit against a certain assbag scumhole landlord. And by the way, I may have forgotten to mention this lately, but my building has not burned or flooded in the past week. -- K. Oh great, now I jinxed it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 00:20:02 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [pawn shops had been mentioned] > > > > I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that > > one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > > You've never been in a pawn shop? I WIN! FINALLY, SOMETHING I HAVE > DONE THAT KIBO HASN'T! (Coffee doesn't count.) Does mocha count as coffee? I had some mocha-flavored candy today, but I don't know if that counts because it has chocolate in it instead of something made from alkaloid-laden beans. > The local pawn shops were my friends for several years. My poor > guitar was in hock for the better part of a decade. I wish I were rich so I could have lots of stuff to hock to get money so I wouldn't be so poor. (Wilful ignorance of the laws of logic is my friend.) > > Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, > > I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on > > moving into your apartment > > You want to live in a trailer in Kansas during storm season? > Be my guest. Sure! Does your guest room have a king-size bed or just a queen? Either way, I'll be right over, once Dave DeLaney lets me out of this car trunk. (I'm glad God sends wireless Internet access raining down from the heavens.) -- K. I think I've turned into the Al Molinaro of the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 15:14:53 -0500 Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! [from www.canoe.ca] -> -> PENTICTON, B.C. -- A man who ran naked down the street with -> blood gushing from his severed penis yesterday mutilated -> himself, said RCMP in this Okanagan city. Police received a -> report at about 2 p.m. of a man running down the street, -> screaming "Repent, repent, fornicators." -> -> The 33-year-old Penticton man, who was wearing only a tuque, O CA-NA-DA! OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM IN ALL THY SONS COM-MAND! ...hey, why am I the only one standing and singing? Come on, everyone, it's the most Canadian thing ever -- a guy with a tuque and no penis! -> was later found with his penis and testicles severed near a -> construction site. -> -> Paramedics covered the struggling, bleeding man with a sheet and -> lifted him onto a stretcher while he continued to yell. Well, of course. He'd only been yelling in English, so he had to repeat everything in French, because even a crazy guy who rips his winky off with tin snips doesn't want to go to jail for not using enough French. -> Foul play is not suspected, said RCMP. -> -> The man's severed parts were later found in his home and taken -> to hospital. -> -> It wasn't known whether surgery would be performed to re-attach them. "parts"? "them"? He had more than one penis? Somehow I find that hard to believe. Unless he was a typical Canadian fur trapper with a pocket full of moose penises. And even then, he probably would have already traded them in for a bucket of chicken at PFK. -- K. It was nice of him to put on his tuque just so he wouldn't freak anyone out by running around naked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:22:20 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! > > > > O CA-NA-DA! > > > > OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! > > > > TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM > > It's "True patriot love," you wanker. *sigh* What happened to the olden days, when it was harder to troll alt.religion.kibology regulars than regular regulars? I was going to claim that the reason for the funny lyrics was that I was singing the Quebecois version, which is the same as the Ontario version with three words changed (or four words relative to the Nunavut version) but then I got worried you'd think I was only pretending to be pretending to be an idiot. Also, I am not an idiot, although sometimes I'm not so sure it was a good idea to move to this little town in Nunavut and take up ice-fishing. It's just so hard to bait the hook because the ice cube keeps falling off. -- K. Also, only British people say "wanker", proper Canadians say "lacrosseur". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I HAD 99% IN MATH AND WAS SECOND FASTEST RUNNER IN MY GRADE SCHOOL!! WHY DID I GET "C's" in math classes??? Because Holmes, Ziobrons, Kleverings, or Kelly Boland controlled my brain so that I fell asleep in important classes!!! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 16:44:14 -0500 Oh, I've been trying to not mock the crazy folk lately (I'm a NICE guy!) but this one's too good to pass up. A week and a half ago, over on sci.psychology.misc, David Allen Kube (kube22000@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dear FBI, CIA, Police, and others: > > February 26th notes: > > [...] > 1) The past 2 or 3 days, they must have weaved the heck out of my > testicle and behind region.. Because I removed at least 100 little > filaments from my testicle and penis region, and also from my behind. Be careful not to remove the last little filament from your crotch. You need that one to pee out of. > It felt terrible.. Torturous to the point where I screamed out like a > monkey on many occasions. > > 2) The dreams and images are not as intense where I am > staying, but they still are able to access the phone modules implanted > in my head there. > > I had images of Booth, Suzy Saffron, and Carmen Mertins, and a guy > that resembles a Caris a little bit. > > And a dream of my mother last night.. > > Maybe some other dreams that I cannot remember. Tell us more about these dreams you can't remember. > 3) They have huge lower body harnesses, and they know that my entire > life - I have put a lot of importance on fitness and athletics. > > They have totally retarded my lower body with hip and shin and upper > leg harnesses. This is the line which clenched my teeth and made me go "NnnnnNNNnnGH!" for several minutes while I kept reminding myself that I'm too nice a guy to mock someone just for using the words "totally retarded" in a sentence about non-erotic lower body restraints. I expect that within a week, this person will post a crudely-drawn diagram showing the positioning of each of the 350 D-rings on the leather straps that attach to the penis filaments. > [...] > > 4) Spinal column devices or little remote control nails or screws in > my spinal column, which felt terrible yesterday and 2 days ago... But > I may recover from the spinal column devices. > > 5) The most frightening of all the devices, and most destructive that > I know go the "deepest" into the brain. > > Some sort of "little coils" going directly into my brain, and make me > pass out completely. > > I know that they have destroyed 1) at least 10 up to 25 different > jobs, and 2) thousands upon thousands of hours of class-time lowering > my consciousness to the point of not thinking or sleeping completely. > > Two people here associate with these devices... 1) That guy about > 5'7 that resembles Irish Shawn, and he controls a device in my brain > that makes me less conscious, but not totally unconscious. I felt it > about 3:20 or so this afternoon. > > and 2) The guy about 5'9 to 6'0 that resembles Tom Baker, Oh no! He used his time machine to trans-mat a bunch of jelly babies into your brain! His Tardis made you tarded! > and the little heavy girl with glasses about 5'1 to 5'2... I passed out > completely before they got onto the Space Coast bus today, Hey, leave Gary Owens out of this! He was the second best "Gong Show" host ever! > and now it is obvious that they have some sort of radar, and saw me on this > radar... Pressed the button, and I passed out like a killer... Then I > woke up 5 minutes later, and they were sitting there on the bus... > > I will say almost for certain that the device that these 2 have > implanted probably causes severe brain damage. > > and then the man about 5'8 that looked like an older or middle aged > Catholic was playing with a rubber band, and I had a dream last night > with my mom and a rubber band!!! YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY OR DESCRIBED IN ADEQUATE DETAIL FOR AN INTERNET AUDIENCE! > And the other people that may have radars are: > > 1) The shorter woman with red hair that resembles Mrs. Michaels, and > 2) The German looking girl about 5'8 that looks like an Olympic > athlete. > > Then: 3) Some very attractive young women at the Cocoa Beach library > seem to see me on this radar also. It always boils down to the nation's public library system. But I think your delusions are more creative than Don Saklad's. I mean, he never talks about being retarded by "Doctor Who". > So it all may be separate: > > 1) The Hispanics controlling the Spinal Column, I don't think I need to ask what group controls the foreskin. > 2) The terrible electric coils going into my brain by 1) Irish Shawn > and 2) the guy that resembles Tom Baker; and I do not know what Police > Department or Health care system or military organization or religion > that they are representing. They look like 2 Jehovahs witnesses to > me(The Tom Baker resemblance and the short girl with glasses). Never mind Tom Baker, what we need to know is, how are the Daleks involved? Especially the ones with the toilet plungers for hands? > 3) The group "weaving my testicle region" torturing me.. That's what you get for joining Sy Sperling's Pubic Hair Club For Men. > With the terrible remote control lower body harnesses totally retarding > my lower body. > > I had a lower body very fast, and perfect for sports. Strong legs and > calves. > > 4) The attractive Italian looking woman and the "ace"(resembling the > girl next door in Tate in Fall of 1988 that looked German or Swedish) > that see me on radar. > > 5) The different imagers and video projection devices, that I know > connect to Booth, Holmes and Boulard, Bloomberg, Elliott, and Dan > Winterbottom, and maybe some other people. And to Heavy Jim, Saffron, > and Windiate(Irish Catholics). If you need to stick me into your theory somewhere, I look sort of like what a 1950's Hell's Angel would have looked like in Viking days if the Vikings had been Canadian and really nerdy except that I'm not Canadian and also I dress more like a biker than real bikers do. I hope this clears things up for you -- I'm not trying to retard you or anything. -- K. Now I must go put on my seven-million-mile-long scarf, for I am off to the Viking era! VWORP VWORP VWORP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A stunningly weird commercial. Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 17:02:16 -0500 I just saw an ad for a prescription heartburn medication. The wife is pouring gravy on her husband's meat loaf. In mid-air, it changes to a stream of steel pushpins. They freeze in mid-air and the camera circles around them like in "The Matrix", only weird. Everyone else at the table is happily chatting and completely ignoring the guy's terrified expression as he attempts to eat a plate of meat loaf covered with pushpins. He picks up a forkful of meat and spikes pop out, in extreme close-up. So, why the hell doesn't he divorce her? -- K. And how is this pill supposed to make his family stop ignoring him? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, Saskatchewan's got rubes! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 14:53:21 -0500 [from www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Sask.'s bid to be capital of American culture ends Saskatchewan... capital... of... American... CULTURE? Oh, man. Someone's been smoking some really wacky permafrosted tobaccy. Sorry, Ottawa is already the capital of North America. And everyone knows that the capital of Regular America is New York. -> By JULIAN BRANCH -> Canadian Press -> -> REGINA -- Saskatchewan said no thanks yesterday to an -> international group that has designated the province the -> American Capital of Culture for 2005. -> -> It turns out the Spanish-based organization of the same name -> wanted $500,000 (U.S.) to pay for an international promotional -> package to extol the virtues of Saskatchewan's "great cultural -> tradition in the editorial and audiovisual sectors, as well as -> in folk art and visual arts." -> -> Saskatchewan Culture spokesman Bryon Burnett said the province -> learned of the fee only on Wednesday when he exchanged e-mails -> with American Capital of Culture president Xavier Tudela. But unfortunately, he had already committed to a deal with those nice Nigerians who had asked him to help them transfer some funds. I love this. A whole freakin' province getting suckered by a spam scam. "Dear Saskatchewan, if you pay us $500,000 (Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) we will mail you a laminated wallet card saying you are not rubes, you rubes." -> "A lot of this has just become clear in the last little while," -> he said. "Just yesterday is when we really understood that there -> was an expectation from the organization that we now had to buy, -> if I can use those quotes, the designation." No, you "can't" use those "air quotes" because the reporter didn't write them "down" when you "made them" with your "hands" while talking to the reporter on the "phone". On second thought, you can use them. But it'll cost you $500,000. Payable in U.S. dollars. To Spain. Via E-mail. -> Mr. Burnett said there was no mention of money for promotion -> when the province applied for the honour last year to coincide -> with Saskatchewan's centennial in 2005. The province is seeking -> a refund of the $3,000 application fee it paid. Dee dee dee dee deedle dee dee deet deet dee dee deedle dee-deet-deet DUH!!!!! -> By doing an about face, Saskatchewan joins a couple of North -> American cities in turning down the designation. -> -> Several years ago, Toronto declined an invitation to apply for -> the title after it discovered the group wanted $425,000 up front. The $75,000 discount was because Toronto was discovered to actually contain traces of culture. Of course, that was mitigated by it also containing the Hockey Hall Of Fame, but still, at least Toronto has a subway. Does Saskatchewan even have any cities in it? I think Saskatchewan's only contribution to culture was that it was mentioned in a song in "The Muppet Movie" -- a sarcastic mention in passing by a wad of felt doesn't quite make Saskatchewan more important than, say, Flint, Michigan. -> Austin, Tex., had a similar experience: It was selected to be -> the American Capital of Culture for 2004 but backed out, citing -> concerns over expenses. I'll wager the good people over in Arlen will apply for the honor. -> A news release from the organization stated that Mr. Tudela -> planned to travel to Regina in the coming weeks to meet with -> Premier Lorne Calvert and sign a formal agreement. -> -> The Opposition Saskatchewan Party wants to know how the process -> got as far as it did. -> -> "The city of Toronto didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. The city of Austin didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. It smells stinky and we shouldn't be touching it with a -> 10-foot pole, as far as I'm concerned," culture critic Jason -> Dearborn said. This is one of the fundamental differences between the United States and Canada. In the U.S., heated political debate consists of people screaming "DIE FAGS DIE!!! BURN IN HELL!!!" with clouds of red spittle coming up from the bottoms of their lungs, while in Canada, it consists of a "culture critic" using the phrase "it smells stinky" in a sentence. -> Mr. Dearborn brandished a copy of a 2001 Colombian newspaper -> article about the organization's activities in South America -> with the headline: Escandolo en Colombia -- Spanish for "Scandal -> in Colombia." Colombia's half the capital of America, if spelling doesn't count and there's some other country named "Districtof". (I think the IMF once sent Martin Landau and Barbara Bain to infiltrate it and steal their weather machine.) -> He said the issue is about using due diligence and keeping a -> tight rein on tax dollars. -> -> "Are we going to be thankful that the Minister of Finance isn't -> floating Saskatchewan bonds through Nigerian bank accounts, DING DING DING! Give Mr. Dearborn the prize for being the person in Saskatchewan who has a clue! Dear Saskatchewan, I will give you this lovely certificate, suitable for framing, saying "One Person In My Province Has a Clue" absolutely free for only $500,000 (United States Dollars Only.) I accept PayPal, sent to my business name, J873X284B029asdadf@hotmail.com. -> or that the Minister of Health hasn't bumped into any travelling -> medicine show salesmen? This is just ridiculous," Mr. Dearborn said. -> -> Mr. Tudela responded to Saskatchewan's decision to forgo the -> designation in an e-mail to The Canadian Press. -> -> "We do not understand the situation. It's incredible!" he wrote. -> "Thank you for your message, but I do not [respond to] any -> declaration before receiving an official letter of the -> Government of Saskatchewan. Regards, Xavier Tudela." -> -> Santiago, Chile, is the current American Capital of Culture. -> In the past, the designation has gone to Panama City, Maceio in -> Brazil and Merida in Mexico. Let's make a new rule: You can't even _pretend_ to be the American Capital of Culture unless you're a city that people in America might have ever heard of. I'm saying, Schenectady or better. -> Saskatchewan didn't pull out of the program fast enough to avoid -> some international applause. The Irish city of Cork, the -> European Capital of Culture for 2005, has sent a message of -> congratulations to Saskatchewan on being elected the American -> Capital of Culture 2005. Does sarcasm belong in international diplomacy? I agree with Cork in saying, hell yeah! Sock it to them, Cork! Woo, Sask, you got Corked! -> Mr. Calvert and Culture Minister Joan Beatty were not -> immediately available for comment. I'll comment on their behalf for a mere $100,000. In cash. With no hockey players printed on the money. -- K. I apologize to all my friends in Saskatchewan. Please don't sic your pet moose on me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most versitle substance in the universe Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:17:18 -0500 In sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > I think coleslaw is the most varying substance in the universe. > > Sometimes its too creamy... sometimes its not creamy enough. Depending > on where you go you could get really good coleslaw, or really bad > coleslaw. > > The runner up is New England Style Clam Chowder. What about that mysterious substance that forms at the interface between the White Castle patty and the bun? It might be solid, liquid, gaseous, or some sort of Bose-Einstein Congealate, depending on how hard you think about putting it into your mouth. Other substances that vary a lot include cheap takeouts' hot and sour soup, and boogers, although the problem of boogers might be related to the problem of the White Castle goop. Science needs to work on this. Write your congressperson, especially if they're not a scientist. -- K. I love White Castles, but I hate not knowing which state of matter they are. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:19:08 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > mother's faux butter flavored spray. We'd run around the house > squirting each other while shouting in bad Fabio accents, "I can't > believe it's not butter... LIGHT!" *squirt* *squirt* *squirt* You know, when the airline records relating to Michael Jackson's in-flight demands surfaced recently (the ones about him always wanting a Coke can filled with white wine) it turned out that one of the only things he's willing to eat is mashed potatoes "with spray-on butter". He actually insists on that stuff. So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. I'm glad you outgrew it and moved on to kinks that are okay and don't make the house smell like the floor of a movie theater. Please tell me you never made the mistake of getting the weird facial surgery that goes with the spray-butter fetish. Around 1991 or so, I saw squirt guns for sale that came with scented fluid -- including liquid butter -- so that kids could spray stinky stuff all over other people and their family's prized possessions. At the time, I declared these to be the worst toys of all time. And I still haven't found any toys with less reason to exist. I've found ones with deadly sharp edges, I've found ones that teach kids they're stupid, I've found ones that fall apart before you get them home, but I've never seen any other toys as likely to get kids punched out (or their parents sued) as squirt guns filled with movie theater butter. -- K. Any my apologies to all celebrities who have made themselves hideously deformed through surgery: Michael Jackson, Jocelyn Wildenstein, and William Shatner in that one "Star Trek" episode where he got the pointy ears. I apologize for mocking the sensible choice you made to redesign your faces to look like bat barf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:47:53 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > > > mother's faux butter flavored spray. > > > > So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased > > kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. > > Kids? We were 25. I think I even posted about it here on ARK at the > time, or soon after. Oh, I wasn't paying much attention to alt.religion.kibology back then, I was busy watching the premiere of "Happy Days". I mean, watching the Watergate hearings. Phew, I almost revealed I wasn't politically savvy back when I was six. > Also, I'd like to apologize profusely for worrying, offending, or > entertaining anyone with last night's round of posts. I seem to have > hit the manic phase of sleep deprivation. Let's just all pretend I > didn't tell anyone about spraying my friends with butter, having sex > with ferns, or talking to a zombie Werner Klemperer. > Again. You can swallow a pint of liquid butter before you get sick. -- K. Can I get Werner Klemperer in fernflower blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A strange new novelty beverage. Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:24:40 -0500 I saw something odd on sale at Stop & Shop, and I didn't recall having seen it mentioned here before, so I bought a bottle for you people. It's a new(ish) novelty beverage which is sufficiently weird that it's almost to the level of an everyday Taiwanese beverage. Weird-looking bottle, weird flavor, and weird merchandising tie-in. Powerade is Coca-Cola's clone of Gatorade (with a slightly more metallic price.) In Canada, Powerade is everywhere (and is the official sports drink of the NHL) but in the U.S., Gatorade is dominant (which is fine by me, because I like Gatorade, even on days when I'm not dominant.) The hot new flavor of Powerade ("new" being a relative term because it's a tie-in for a movie which already flopped) is: The Matrix Reloaded Powerade. What flavor is it? The Matrix Reloaded flavor. Now re-issued with a little sticker that says "OWN IT ON DVD 10.03" to explain why they're still trying to sell it even though the sequel after that already came and went on the big screen. Looking at the back of the bottle (which is shaped like it should be full of detergent) reveals "natural black cherry, lime, and anise flavors." Oh, great. It's candy-plus-freakin'-licorice flavor. This is going to taste horrid. Opening the bottle... Hmm. Doesn't seem to have any flavor. I can taste some sugar, but it doesn't even have the nasty chemical taste of regular Powerade, so maybe they left out the special chemicals that make Powerade the official sports drink of Canadians who like to break necks. There is a faint hint of some sort of fruit punch flavor, not enough for me to be able to identify the flavor, just enough to let me know that if I could taste this it would taste bad. Uh oh, the aftertaste just crept up on me. Okay, it's super-weak fruit punch flavor with a nasty licorice aftertaste. Also it looks like after-shave except in a detergent bottle. My verdict: This tastes worse than Keanu Reeve's hair gel tastes after a long sweaty slow-motion fight scene. Or so I would assume. I think I can safely assume that this green stuff tastes worse than imaginary stinky scalp sweat. You have to admire the ingenuity of the Coca-Cola corporation in inventing a beverage which tastes repulsive even though I can barely tell it has a flavor at all. In short, ecch. -- K. And I didn't see the movie, either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Junk food in the news Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:42:58 -0500 [from www.twincities.com] -> -> MINNESOTA: State wants buying limits on food stamps -> -> BY PATRICK HOWE -> Associated Press -> -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called -> junk foods. But... candy bars and soda are two of the four food groups in Minnesota! How will people survive on nothing but lutefisk and lefse? -> If the U.S. Agriculture Department approves the plan, -> Minnesota's welfare program would be the first in the nation to -> impose its own restrictions on the food recipients buy with -> their benefits. Let me guess, they think welfare recipients should only be allowed to buy those dented cans of stuff nobody else wanted before it got dented. This means lots of creamed corn that's turned brown. And lutefisk that's hardened like plaster. -> The change wouldn't take effect for at least a year. It would -> have to pass the Legislature, where some anti-poverty activists -> oppose it as a mean-spirited intrusion into the cupboards of the -> poor. I wish I could afford a cupboard, let alone one big enough to have a mean-spirited intrusion. -> In a letter sent Monday, the Human Services Department described -> the effort as part of a broader statewide effort to improve -> eating habits. -> -> "It is inconsistent to encourage healthy nutrition and -> simultaneously allow the purchase of candy and soft drinks with -> food stamps," Assistant Commissioner Maria Gomez wrote in the -> letter. Then she left the room for a bathroom break, and enjoyed using the three seashells. -> The proposal seeks to skirt the task of deciding which foods are -> healthy and which aren't by sticking to a definition already in -> state tax law. -> -> Minnesota does not tax most store-bought foods but it does tax -> candies and soda. The proposal would extend those definitions to -> what would be allowed under the food stamp program. -> -> Even those definitions get tricky. Watch out! The definition is behind you! -> The state, for example, taxes Hershey's bars but not Kit Kat -> bars -- because anything made with flour isn't considered a -> candy. It taxes coffee drinks that are sweetened but not those -> that contain milk. It taxes gum but not licorice. It taxes -> marshmallows but not ice cream bars. It taxes beer nuts but not -> regular nuts. It taxes Gatorade but not near beer. It taxes -> juices that are less than half real juice but not those that are -> more. MY BRAIN HURTS! AND I'M HUNGRY! -> When Pawlenty first announced the idea as part of a -> welfare-reform effort, he acknowledged it would be tricky to -> define which foods are "junk." When pressed for an example, he -> said then he expected potato chips would be banned. -> -> Chips, though, wouldn't be banned under the state plan. What about broken ones with toxic green edges? I'd ban those. Any potato chip maker that sells me a bag with one of those should be shot. -> Last year, Human Services Commissioner Kevin Goodno said the -> idea came from listening to complaints that people in the -> grocery check-out lines were buying pricey snacks with their -> food support debit cards. I have a better idea, which comes from the mental image of well-off jerks being forced to wear ball gags. -> In an interview Thursday, Gomez took a different tack, -> describing the idea as part of a larger public health battle -> against obesity. -> -> "I really would be very concerned about using this as some kind -> of a putdown for the poor," she said, noting that the state -> departments of Health and Education also are working on -> nutrition plans. -> -> Colleen Moriarty, executive director of Hunger Solutions, which -> represents Minnesota food banks, said it would be better to try -> to educate food stamp recipients about nutrition. Why not just make the glue on the back of the stamps more nutritious so that people can just lick them instead of spending them? -> Lawrence Rudman, spokesman for the USDA regional office in -> Chicago, said no other states have asked for a similar waiver. -> Minnesota would be the first. -> -> Recipients of food stamps cannot use them to buy paper products, -> household supplies, liquor or tobacco products, or hot foods, -> such as rotisserie chickens. Wait... I'm confused. So I can't use food stamps to buy White Castles unless they're cold and aren't the kind that don't contain flour when it's dark on Tuesday, in which case the player to the dealer's left can't bring tweezers onto the plane unless they can transform into a toy robot which can't be carbonated in which case Double Secret Probation will be called in a Boomerang Zone causing the Earth to spin the wrong way which makes time go backwards repealing all laws and cancelling out all the conclusions I just drew, but does this mean I can or can't put chocolate fudge on my White Castles? -- K. They're good with raspberry jam, so I bet they'd be really good with raspberry fudge or chocolate jam. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 14:34:38 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the > > > -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from > > > -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called > > > -> junk foods. > > > > Oh for the love of Christ. [...] Do people really have nothing > > better to do than to take comfort foods away from poor people? Well, sometimes they stop to take candy away from babies. Then they give it back. Then they take it away again. > > You know, if you're on food stamps, my guess is a pint of > > Ben & Jerry's is a real fukken treat. > > And it's worse than that, because soft drinks are cheaper than milk, > juice and other healthier beverages. Unless you go to Trader Joe's, where everything is $2.99. Incidentally, at my local supermarkets, such as the Stop & Shop around the corner, everything is horribly expensive these days. $2.19 for a can of chili. $4.59 for a box of six White Castles. Swanson's TV dinners cover the $2.99 to $5.99 (yes, $5.99) range. Don't even ask about Cheerios. Food prices have exploded recently, especially in big cities. And I live in a _poor_ neighborhood in a big city. (Mission Hill is _not_ the most affluent part of Boston.) > > No, that's only for people who make an honest living! Then we'll make > > fun of you because you're fat. Poor and fat, that's too many things to > > make fun of. Can't have that. > > I seem to recall anecdotes or news stories about how people discovered > that elderly folk who had little money were buying pet food and eating > that instead. THIS WAS HORRIBLE! SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. SO the price > of canned pet food was raised to discourage its purchase as food for > humans. I know, it's a lot cheaper just to buy canned hash and tell the person you're feeding them dog food. > I'm actually surprised, though. It's my experience that the USA makes it > frighteningly easy for the poor to have horrendous diets. That's what's good about the United States! We live in a country which makes it easy to eat whatever the fuck you want! > > Anyone else notice that the "you suck because you're fat" news > > articles are almost daily now? What with being a hippy Commie pinko > > lardass, I read these articles, and am usually amused at the complete > > lack of facts in them. Almost all of the articles have some low-level > > government lackey quoted as saying, "Fat causes depletion of the ozone > > layer". > > I heard that being fat promotes terrorism and masturbation, and that fat > people are responsible for the impending collapse of the global oil > supply, because they use so much more gas to drive around. > > Mind you, I'm all for having healthier options for eating, but not by > telling people "YOU ARE THE DEVIL BECAUSE YOUR BMI IS OVER > 25%!!!111!!!bangbangoneoneonebang" and hoping people will say "well, > shucks, I am the devil. I guess I'd better turn vegan and wear white > linen at all times." It's nearly impossible to be vegan in the U.S. All "vegetarian" restaurant items and convenience foods are loaded with cheese. The only way to be truly vegan is to either eat only at vegan- approved restaurants (things with "mung" and "bean" in their name) or cook your own food. And nobody wants to cook -- I predict that within five years, the average house won't even come equipped with a kitchen, just a little microwave set into the side of the home entertainment center styled to look like something from "Star Trek" (the show that taught us all to be happy with meals consisting of a tray with an empty Styrofoam cup and random cubes of green and orange kitchen sponges.) > > I guess they figure fat people aren't exactly going to rise up and > > revolt. > > The problem with many government officials is that they think the best > way to change things is by forcing them to change, not by trying to work > with people. This is perhaps because people are abstract things to them, > defined in textbooks and academic studies. But I _am_ an abstract thing. At least when I'm dressed certain ways. > It's similar to the phenomenon of MBAs and second lieutenants. Why, was there some police charity basketball game I should know about? -- K. I'm an abstract thing, and proud of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:22:43 -0500 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > I'm not implying anything, of course, but I am reminded of a TV show > I once watched. It was about food for poor people and one of the many > hints they gave was that you should make your own spaghetti because > it was /very cheap/ to do so. So they prepared the /very cheap/ dough > and then hauled this $100 pasta machine out of the cupboard. > Then I turned the TV off. Yeah! Really poor people don't have a $100 pasta machine. They either settle for the $95 model that can't do the zigzag edges when it makes hexagonal fennel-gorgonzola-pheasant ravioli, or else they just make spaghetti by mashing the dough through their screen door a few times. You know what I'd like to do at a party sometime? Serve an entire dinner made with a Play-Doh Fun Factory. There could be a spaghetti course made with a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop, too. Hey, _some_ people make creme brulee using a blowtorch instead of a real toaster oven. (The little frozen creme brulees from Trader Joe's come in nice little ashtrays that look like they were made by fourth-graders. Note that I was careful not to put any accent marks on "creme brulee" because I didn't feel like it.) -- K. I bet blowtorch bacon would be the best thing ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 01:54:30 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Like Nick B once said, if someone has $5.00 and wants to eat out, they > > will go get a Whopper meal and biggie size it, knowing they're getting a > > huge amount of food for $3.99, plus the fun of being able to eat out. > > When I was poor the local cheap pizza place and Pizza Hut were my main > > sources of food. $2.00 for 2 burgers and 2 fries, or $3.99 for a bag of > > lettuce? No brainer. > > I know I'm going to get slammed for this, But that's what you do best! Remember those old fire-safey commercials where Dick Van Dyke yelled "I'M A DOOR! FEEL ME! I'M HOT!"? Well, get slammed some more and I'll tell you whether you're hot. > but you're comparing apples and oranges, or in this case Whoppers > and lettuce. Yeah, you should only compare Whoppers to wilted, grayish lettuce with a tiny meat patty underneath. Also, last I checked, Whoppers were less than $3.99. You can get a whole milk carton of hundreds of them at K-Mart for two bucks. > You're also confusing convenience with nutrition, or frugalitry, > or something. > > There's this stuff out there, called raw or minimally processed food. > You buy it, and cook it. often mixing it without other raw or > minimally processed food. TV dinners, Swanson's Meal-in-a-Bag, Quick > Fixin's, and all that other Crap on a Stick is just another way to > separate you from you money while making you feel bad about your end > of the deal. Are you saying I should make my own White Castles? Tell you what, give me one of the giant machines that poots them out, and I will start making my own, otherwise, lemme feel good about buying White Castles like a good American citizen should, you freakin' Commie hippie. > How much does a big bag o' rice cost? Spaghetti? Potatoes? Chuck > roast? Tuna (as in tuna salad)? They got no farmer's markets where you > live, where you can buy fruit and vegetables for 10 cents a pound? Have you ever been to Boston? A box of dry spaghetti is something like fifty-eight bucks. And yes, I _am_ a good shopper. For instance, just today I got a free flogger for buying two other floggers. Now I have one for each hand plus a spare in case one wears out! They like me at that store, and not just because the owner and I have been trading hair-dye stories. (She has beautiful maroon hair with a black edge, and I have a sort of candied-yam orange shimmer over brown.) > Cook, don't re-heat. But all matter was already heated at least once, either during the Big Bang or the formation of the Earth. Are you implying that it is somehow unnatural to heat my food in the microwave oven as many times as I want before I eat it? (Hey, the clock on the microwave goes up to 99:99 for a reason.) > This is a global rant, Stacia, not directed at you. Keep in mind, > though, that you're talking to a guy who once ate 90 pounds of > antelope one winter, while living in a farmhouse that I was renting > for $75 a month, and even at that I couldn't keep current on the rent > (1978 dollars). How can we respect your views on Thoreau-with-a-gun-style survivalism when you don't even know how to escape from handcuffs? -- K. I bet you didn't even strangle the antelope like a real man, with your bare hands! I bet you strangled it with a gun! Or some sort of neck-seeking strangling laser satellite! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:08:54 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, sometimes they stop to take candy away from babies. > > Then they give it back. Then they take it away again. > > This teaches the babies valuable lessons about the workplace. I think the average workplace is more like "Remember that free soda you used to get during the dot-com bubble? We're taking it away FOREVER! Also one of the lighting fixtures in your office, and your box of Kleenex." > > Incidentally, at my local supermarkets, such as the Stop & Shop > > around the corner, everything is horribly expensive these days. > > $2.19 for a can of chili. $4.59 for a box of six White Castles. > > Swanson's TV dinners cover the $2.99 to $5.99 (yes, $5.99) range. > > Don't even ask about Cheerios. Food prices have exploded recently, > > especially in big cities. And I live in a _poor_ neighborhood in a > > big city. (Mission Hill is _not_ the most affluent part of Boston.) > > That's because food is a luxury item. Those who can't afford it need to > get used to it and start eating topsoil and duff, which has all kinds of > nutrients. After all, *plants* live on it just fine. Boston has been stripped of topsoil and paved over completely. I'm not sure what lowercase duff is, probably because I don't live in one of the Irish parts of town. I did go to the Target next to the South Bay Stop & Shop yesterday and was amazed that the stuff in their food section was on average 25% cheaper than at the Stop & Shop. Betty Crocker boxed meals that would normally be $4.99 were $3.99. Campbell's Chunky Soup, normally $2.19 to $2.59, was $1.79. The only downside is that Target has trained everyone to refer to "customers" as "guests" and I don't like being a guest in someone's store because it means I have to behave. > > That's what's good about the United States! We live in a country > > which makes it easy to eat whatever the fuck you want! > > Oh, I can't argue. I eat my share of unhealthy food, I'm just saying > that America is good at taking food, churning it through a grinder, and > making it into something that only looks and tastes appetizing, but is > really the cause of all cancer. Real American food looks OR tastes appetizing, but never both. For instance, White Castles. If you want your food to be pretty AND delicious, go back to Japan, you hippie. > > It's nearly impossible to be vegan in the U.S. All "vegetarian" > > restaurant items and convenience foods are loaded with cheese. > > The only way to be truly vegan is to either eat only at vegan- > > approved restaurants (things with "mung" and "bean" in their name) > > or cook your own food. And nobody wants to cook -- I predict that > > within five years, the average house won't even come equipped with > > a kitchen, just a little microwave set into the side of the home > > entertainment center styled to look like something from "Star Trek" > > (the show that taught us all to be happy with meals consisting of > > a tray with an empty Styrofoam cup and random cubes of green and > > orange kitchen sponges.) > > That is a horrible image of the future. I don't know what I'd do without > a stove. > > That said, I know a guy who came up with a recipe for those colored > cubes. I'll bug him about it. Mmm, nerdy nerfloaf. > > [...] I'm an abstract thing, and proud of it. > > Pride is an abstraction invented to make lions feel more numerous. Are > you a LION? Wanna come over here and rub my orange mane while I purr? -- K. Yeah, my hair is bright orange now. I'M A CONANHEAD! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Warning to cat owners. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 00:22:37 -0500 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Bewarned Gold Bond medicated creme is kitty crack. I suppose that sooner or later someone had to find a use for it. Also, now we know you're elderly. So, how do you feel about Bromo-Seltzer and Rich Chocolate Ovaltine? > I dabbed some on a small rash like spot that turned up on my belly > today and the damn GiftCat tried to eat my shirt with me still wearing it. > She then attempted do a headstand on my belly, I have no idea what that > was about. It either makes her incredibly horny or it smells like > something that needs to be killed, not sure which, maybe both. It means you bought a tube of cod liver lard, gramps. > On the bright side I think maybe a dab or two on the scratching post might > finally get her to attack it, instead of the furniture. This theory has not > been tested yet. You could try smearing everything in the house except you with it. Or better yet, just tie a stick to the cat's collar so that a sprig of catnip is perpetually six inches in front of the cat, then watch the cat go catnuts. I like cats, but thank you for reminding me why I don't have a cat. -- K. I have two dogs in the oven. It's okay, they're kosher. I also paid a lot for a big kosher cervelat. Why does cervelat cost so much? It's just pepperoni with a nicer flavor and less pork! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:26:40 -0500 [from www.wlox.com] -> -> Sheriff accused of having handcuffs removed from boy with torch -> -> Lincoln, Nebraska-AP -- A rural Nebraska sheriff is being sued -> for having a pair of handcuffs removed from a student, with a torch. -> -> The student had been handcuffed by Sheriff Larry Donner -- who -> had been invited to speak at a Burwell High School. -> -> The lawsuit claims the handcuff key broke and sheriff had a -> welding shop remove the cuffs with a torch. Those keys do that, especially on the cheap five-dollar handcuffs they sell in the toy department of every supermarket in the world. This is why they always give you two keys (whether you're buying real or toy handcuffs.) Also, most real cuffs take the same keys (after all, the officer who locks them on might not be the same officer who takes them off) so finding a spare handcuff key should be pretty simple unless you're in some podunk town where the only law enforcement is one guy with one key who threw away his spare key and has some sort of brain damage that makes him think an acetylene torch is better for use on metal next to skin compared to, say, a hacksaw. -> The lawsuit claims the torch caused third-degree burns to Seth -> Barrett's wrist, which later required surgery. ...which, hopefully, was not performed by the only doctor in town, with a Weed-Whacker. -> An attorney for the boy's parents says the theme of the lawsuit -> is, 'What were you thinking?' I'd so love to be that lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, WHAT THE FUCK? I rest my case." -> It seeks damages from the sheriff, the school and its welding shop. What about the handcuff company for equipping those cuffs with the shoddy, fragile key when the sheriff bought them at the supermarket? -> Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ooh, I'm scared. Go ahead and put the cuffs on me. _I_ have eight keys (not counting the ones I've broken) and a Dremel tool for emergencies. (Also sometimes I can get out of cuffs without needing any tools, but you're not supposed to know that.) Oh that happy note, I was going to sign off, but then I found a more detailed account: [from officer.com] => => Nebraska Sheriff Sued Over Handcuff Incident => => KEVIN O'HANLON => Associated Press => => LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) -- A rural Nebr