From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: posting this at Kibo's request Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 00:09:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Here is what I dreamed about last night... > > Kibo was with me on a boat. But the boat could fly. Kibo insisted that I > wear my life-jacket because we would soon be airborne. Yes, the life jacket with the long sleeves that wrap around and buckle in the back. > I complained that I didn't want to fly but he told me that if we didn't, > we would drown. That's why you also put on a two-hose rebreather and swim fins. > So then the boat turned into my apartment and Kibo was here and my cats were > walking on their hind legs. He explained to me that the only reason they > could do that was because they were skilled at playing the violin. And that > they knew multiplication tables. > > This dream is up for analysis. What, with you only half-dressed so far? -- K. It's real easy to teach cats to stand upright. Just teach them to play the violin (which requires standing up), then teach them not to play the violin. The best way to do that is to tell them what the strings are made of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:43:19 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to peek in through the mail slot on my way home tonight, > > but I was afraid to since I wasn't wearing enough leather to protect > > me from whatever demonic forces would be unleashed by the engines > > of evil within. > > if your leather protects you from > the evil demonic forces > then you're probably not > wearing it correctly > FINLAND SHAVE Shaving is for BABIES. > > Also I need to remember to try the doorknob since if they can't > > figure out that they should lock the door instead of taping a folder > > to it, they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > What kind? You have to name it correctly or it won't work right. I'm told. It might be either a Polytron or an Orgasmatron. Model number 6000/ESX, /EXS, /SXE, /XES, or /XSE. Someday American industries will grow up and stop giving cars, computers, blenders, etc. model numbers ending with random combinations of, or proper subsets of, those three letters. (And to this day, scientists are unable to figure out the significance of them. For instance, Spock is a scientist.) > > but now I have everything set > > to dried blood because I like it. > > Also it hides the stains. > > Dave "this is a variant of 'you owe me a new keyboard' I had not yet > encountered" DeLaney Well, tell you what. Tomorrow I'll remember to peek in through the mail slot (or possibly climb in through it, I really am quite skinny as contortionists go) and we'll settle the question of whether real insane doctors have the same keyboards as movie mad scientists with special one-touch keys for things like "LASER", "RESTRAINTS", "ADD ALIEN DNA", and "DESTRUCT". Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want to go in and snoop around, just because I don't want to be there therefore something interesting that I don't want to know about must be going on inside. If I come back without my skin, either the mad doctors got to me, or else the fluorescent walls caused instantaneous and total exfoliation. -- K. I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 16:59:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seriously, if you'd seen those doctors' offices (which I did after > > they painted them sadistic colors, but before they moved in their > > evil equipment) you too would be firmly convinced you would never > > want to spend any time in those offices. So that's why I want > > to go in and snoop around, > > In an extreem coincidence, tomorrow I too shall be snooping in a doctor's > office, only I was INVITED!, see other thread. Now I'm going to HAVE TO write > up a report, and keep my eyes open while I'm there for ... discrepancies. Check to see whether the examining table is covered with one of those rolls of butcher paper, or just an electric blanket with its skin peeled off to expose the glowing orange wires inside. Also see if that glass jar of tongue depressors contains any that have the logo of those Mexican chili-pepper lollipops still printed on them. And make sure their TENS unit (Transcutaneous Electric Nerve Stimulation) isn't one of the new HEXADECIMAL ones (Hurting EXactly As Designed Every Customer In My Anguish Laboratory) because the TENS units only go up to "11" but the HEX units go up to "G", and, ow, "G". > > [...] I bet their pervert machine even has a button for "SEXFOLIATE". > > Dave "Holy horripilations, Batman!" DeLaney You've just exceeded my vocabulary, you pervert. -- K. What's the difference between a doctor and a sadist? Different <> magazines! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:24:13 -0500 Recently, I was describing some offices in the building where I work. I promised you guys I'd try to peek in through the little armored mail slot in the door tonight, but I didn't rememberÊto do that, so I haven't seen what equipment is stacked against the emergency exit from the luminous cabbage-looper green room. I did do a little research to find out what sort of craaaaaaazy doctor's offices would be painted in weird, scary, threatening, overwhelming colors. It's a psychiatrist's office suite. (There's also a chiropractor there, just so that someone can order you to take off your pants in front of the brain doctor.) So, the psycho color scheme can't have been an accident. Dr. Creepy-Hue must have known full well what effect a radioactive magenta ganzfeld will have on fragile patients reclining on (or strapped to) his couch. The bright magenta room will make people into kill-crazed murder machines who love Barbie. The deep red room will make people want to watch the first guy killing people and kissing Barbie. The two shiny yellow rooms will make people need bananas, for sale in the reception area for a million dollars each. The glowing green Kryptonite room will make people shit, shit, and shit again. Also, my suspicion is that after your appointment, you'll receive a black licorice lollipop that tastes like burnt rubber. I don't know why, but that seems like the most appropriate type of lollipop to be given after staring at a nuclear pink wall for an hour. And it would give you electrical shocks if you didn't finish it. -- K. If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, except for the receptionist, who would be Woody Woodpecker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:46:02 -0500 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline > > around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. > > Chalk wouldn't show well on snow. Sure it would. I have black chalk. That's because I live in the Semi-Bizarro Universe where black is white and white is black but only half the time, so chalk is black instead of white, but snow isn't black. Of course, it would be white chalk and black snow over in the Bizarro Semi-Bizarro Universe, but that would be silly. Now don't make me get all wistful that I never got to open my Museum Of Last Known Photographs Of Dead Scientists. It would have Rorschach splattered symmetrically, and bits of brain following a bullet out of Doc Edgerton's ear, and Ben Franklin lying in bed naked with an electrified kite string tied to his you-know-what, and Tom Baker going for a drive with Isadora Duncan. It's too bad I never got to open that museum because it was a really sick idea and therefore I should have done it so that I could have made a lot of money making people feel upset. -- K. I hear they found Pavlov drowned in a teepee filled with drool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 18:08:25 -0500 Fantod (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If I were a psychiatrist, everything in my office > > would be painted to look like a Rorshach blot, > > Is there a particular blot you have in mind? > > Could you describe it for us? Yes. It's the only card that shows giant penises. As opposed to all those other ones that just show Tom Baker restraining people's legs through the inappropriate use of a time machine in the public library. I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. Oh, and that carpet from Las Vegas's "New York New York" casino with the cartoon garbage printed all over it? I'd have that on the ceiling of my psychiatric facility. In fact, all the furniture would be upside-down and nailed to the ceiling. Except for the sign that says "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS," with a little drawing of a crazy person drawn by Kurt Vonnegut in Rorschach's blood. And the blood would be dripping sideways to make it clear that the room's not actually upside-down, just sideways. You see, my system of therapy convinces the patient that they're relatively sane compared to me. And now that I've told you how to cure all mental illness, you owe me a million billion zillion dollars and a Stanley Cup filled with Nobel Prizes. -- K. In other news: "I believe in the Bible, and I also believe in the American Heritage Dictionary..." -- actual quote from an anti-gay-marriage state politician on my TV right now ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 19:43:46 -0500 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > they probably wouldn't even notice if I stole their medical > > sadism machine. (I need one of those.) > > You *are* one of those. I don't know why everyone seems to have gotten the idea I'm a total sadist. I'm more of a masochist. I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! I AM NOT A ROBOT! In fact, I'm not even medical, unless you meant to type "medieval". Now don't dis me again or I'll duct-tape your lips to a squirrel. ...a BAD squirrel. -- K. After Fight Club, everything else in your life's got the volume turned down, and alt.religion.kibology becomes a tiny little voice going "eep... eep... eep..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 23:25:53 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of > > painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? > > Because we're the only people who'll talk to the leather-bound freak. Well, if you don't like my new look, I'll go back to dressing like a hockey player so that I won't look like a violent person. Hey, did you see that hockey player break the other guy's neck last night in Vancouver? Ouch. > > And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! > > I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > And I imagine Kibo shouting I AM NOT A ROBOT! and then opening his chest > panel to turn down the volume a bit, followed by him whispering "they > suspect nothing." After he reads this, though, he'll program himself > into a killing spree. I am on a completely un-emotional spree. The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! EXTERMINATE! THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY IS NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! SIR I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE OTHER BATTLESTAR! Excuse me, for a moment I forgot to pretend to be a human. SUSPECT NOTHING OR BE DESTROYED! PUNY EARTH MASSES OF ORGANIC TISSUE WITH A PRIMITIVE CARBON-BASED LIFESTYLE! ACCEPT MY WORD THAT I AM ONE OF YOU PATHETIC LIFE-FORMS OR BE CRUSHED BETWEEN MY BRAIN GEARS! -- K. DO NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS OR I WILL SIMULATE EVEN MORE EMOTIONS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:54:16 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > I saw a church sign today that said "Jesus' Last Seven Words." > > Am I going to Hell because my first thought was: > > "I can see my house from here." > > ? All's I know is that I'm not qualified to comment because I haven't even seen the documentary movie that the guy from "Max Max Beyond Thunderdome" made based on that sign. In fact, you'd have to nail my hands to something in order to get me to watch it. -- K. My last seven words would be: "How do they cram all that graham?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:14:00 -0500 [regarding the death of Paul Winfield from "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > KIIIIIIBOOOOOOOOOO!!! > > So according to DejaGoogle, Kibo was the last one to mention Paul > Winfield here, Sorry. I aimed at Shatner and missed. In May 2003, I wrote: -> -> The title was "Horror at 37,000 Feet" (not to be confused with Shatner's -> "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" or Lithgow's "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet") and -> it also starred Chuck Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Tammy Grimes, Lynn Loring, -> France Nuyen, Roy Thinnes, and Paul Winfield (who shot himself rather -> than assassinate Shatner in "Star Trek II") and as TV-movies go, it -> was unusually entertaining, because although it was super-tarded, it -> at least had stuff happening (like the guy getting trapped in the little -> elevator between decks of the 747 while ghost freeze gas seeped in) -> unlike the average TV-movie, which doesn't have anything happening, ever. My apologies. I merely wanted to take out Shatner. Some collateral damage is inevitable. If I could fight any celebrity, living or dead, I'd fight Shatner. William Shatner. I came to that conclusion right after I woke up and saw Tyler Durden sitting in my seat. That's what I get for booking a flight on an airline that showed "Horror at 37,000 Feet" and "Fight Club" back-to-back. [regarding the suicide of monologician Spaulding Gray] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Who was the last person to mention Spaulding Gray? > > Kibo's on a roll! Yay! Now I'm the most famous person ever to have graduated from Emerson College! Unless you count half of Henry Winkler, or Andy Dick's character on "NewsRadio". In May 2002, I wrote: => => [an idea for a new TV show I should be the star of] => => "GARBAGE IMPROV" => => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > Gonna make it a hat trick? Sure! Why not just kill another random celebrity? [regarding the death of the guy who played Eldin on "Murphy Brown"] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I think we'll need to poll the judges about Robert Pastorelli. No > mentions of him by name that I can google, but Kibo was the last one > to mention "Murphy Brown". And that's the last time anyone can ever mention "Murphy Brown". Hooray! In May 2003 (notice a pattern here?) I wrote: <> That's right, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ABOUT BREAST CANCER. <> <> Breast cancer is a serious issue, but shoehorning it into a show <> about planets blowing up isn't going to raise the quality level. <> I have nothing against shows about breast cancer, and in the proper <> setting it would work fine -- the sitcom "Murphy Brown" could have pulled <> off its season about Murphy's breast cancer if it had attempted it <> about four years earlier before it got desperate for filler, and <> Linda Ellerbee did a fine job talking about breast cancer on Nickelodeon. <> But adding breast cancer to "Battlestar Galactica"... well... that's bad. <> Even in the context of reviving "Battlestar Galactica", that's bad. For "Battlestar Galactica" to live again, Robert Pastorelli had to die. It wasn't worth it! > Three celebs dead this week and it's only Tuesday! Charlton Heston > better stay indoors for a while. Why? I have nothing against him just because he's in movies I don't like and lobbying organizations I don't support. I'd rather kill someone who really deserves to die, such as that CNN Headline News anchorwoman whose voice is 3% more strident than the others. -- K. She's like Sally Struthers as Murphy Brown. P.S. The person who was mentioned the most times in this article: Tom Kraemer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: He's dead, Jim. Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 17:10:43 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In May 2002, I wrote: > > => > > => I'd go to the garbage dump and make up stories about stuff I find. > > => Sort of like Spaulding Gray with a head injury. > > > > ...and then I actually got a head injury and this idea didn't seem so > > funny any more, until Spaulding Gray died. > > Kibo's so powerful he killed Spalding Gray without even spelling his > name right! And people wonder why we have a whole religion built > around this guy. And now you know why it took them a month and a half to find his body. Poor guy, committing suicide without anyone noticing. I give you people this promise: If I ever commit suicide, everyone's going to know about it. It would probably involve something like carjacking the Space Shuttle and kamikaziing it into Disneyland after inviting all the lawyers in the world to get in for half price oh and also the Space Shuttle would be filled with illegal fireworks and a Penny Black and Charlie Chaplin's corpse. That's assuming I had all the money in the world, of course. Hey, if you guys want to do a little experiment, you should give me all the money in the world to see if being super-ultra-mega-rich would make me unhappy enough to blow up Disneyland. I DARE YOU! -- K. Also, I should mention, Pat Sajak. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:38:32 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I just don't use a killfile. I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. I am personally unusual in that I would prefer you to be cruel and unusual personally, to me, as often as you'd like to be. Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for you to drive off with me at your leisure? Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, especially if I really am! -- K. You people should be spanked! Except for David, who should do the spanking! With a rolled-up "Space: 1999" comic book just so that nobody can say it's inappropriate on alt.religion.kibology! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:37:02 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry, I have to draw the line at any perversion involving, say, > the moldering orifices of the late Werner Klemperer. In that case, > no, your Klink is NOT OK. I think your pun-like object would have been better if you had formatted it more like it would have been if it had been printed on a series of Dixie cups for toddlers, such as "your Klink (YOUR KINK) is NOT OK (DANNY KAYE)." No, wait, the last part wasn't a pun, it was something like Cockney Rhyming slang, but that would also have been given the very loud parenthetical explanation treatment if it were on some sort of perverted Dixie Cockney Cup For Babies. You know what always bothers me about "your kink is okay"? It's the idea that everyone has a kink. Not everyone has just one! Also, "safe, sane, and consensual" still grates on me because I can't figure out what a sane perversion would be. Something involving tying someone down and making them balance their checkbook? -- K. And forget the hankie code. It's not a code, it's a signal, because it doesn't have any grammar. I demand someone extend the hankie code to a full language, one at least as powerful as FORTRAN. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:10:31 -0500 [regarding the acronym "People in Alternative Life Styles"] Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > > rainbow-colored window sticker. > > You're not thinking this through. What was needed was an acronym that > provided a degree of deniability, in case a vanila spouse discovered a > leather membership card or a logo somewhere. PALS sounds like a > Police Athletic League Support thing, or a Parent's Academic Lone > Stars or some other such nonsensical, innocent thing. See? Oh, yeah, sure, like I could hide my personality from my lover forever by putting "Police Athletic Supporter" on a card in my pocket. (Note that I don't have a wallet, because it seems kind of redundant with the leather clothes.) Also, how could I marry someone who doesn't like to have fun? That's one of the reasons I divorced television's waxy and semi-articulated Barbara Bain, because her idea of fun was to just do a funny accent to try to steal my passwords for launching the nuclear missiles in some country whose name begins with three consonants followed by five vowels, all with umlauts. That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. And a person like that would just laugh at me if I had a little card that said something dopey like "PALS" on it. I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group is something like "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" or something. Not that I'm against playtime, fun, or hugginess (I would draw the line at Huggies, though) but while you're tightening the straps on your bed, you need an acronym you can say with a straight face, and "PLAYTIME PALS 4 FUN & HUGGINESS" wouldn't do it. (Especially if your partner finds out that the double "G"s stand for "Golly Gosh", and one of the "P"s is for "Potsie".) The proper way to signal your special little kink is always to make up a new pride flag. Mine just has a picture of me on it. And there's a speech balloon where I'm saying "I LIKE EVERYTHING THAT SCARES NORMAL PEOPLE!" I figure that's subtle enough. (Certainly, most people on a.r.k wouldn't pick up the hint.) -- K. "PALS"? That is SO GAY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:45:54 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's why today I need someone who at least combines the fashion > > sense of Diana Rigg with the kinkiness of Patrick Macnee. > > Kibo, I don't know what it is, but you come up with the best ideas. Oh, I never run out of things to do to people -- I mean, for people. > How did you know that I could never decide which "Avengers" character to > lust after? I KNOW ALL! You are as transparent to me as a newborn volvox! > Or that I watched the movie with Ralph Fiennes because the idea of > someone as sexy as him dressed like Patrick MacNee was too much for > me to take? I figured you didn't watch it for the lucid plot. Does the DVD version include any of the missing scenes which would have explained what the hell they were thinking when they made the half of that movie that got released? > Combining the two characters is the best idea I have ever heard, and > the best excuse I've ever had for finally becoming a mad scientist. So what you're saying is, you really like the parts of Vincent Price's "Theatre Of Blood" where Diana Rigg _is_ dressed as Patrick Macnee? That's my favorite Shakespeare comedy after Julie Taymor's laugh-a-minute version of "Titus Andronicus". (In the Vincent Price version they only do the last scene of "Titus Andronicus", and they gay it up a little.) Anyway, for much of that movie Diana Rigg is a dapper, slim young man with a big mustache and sunglasses. (You see what I mean about how they gayed up Shakespeare. In his day, there would have been none of this business with a woman playing a man -- it would have been a man playing a woman playing a man, which would have straightened it out.) I should also point out that that Vincent Price movie is the only time you're likely to see anyone even mention the existence of Shakespeare's sucky "Cymbeline", the worst of the three Shakespeare plays I've read that feature wacky severed-head comic relief. (I'm only counting "Titus Andronicus" once, despite everyone in that one being repeatedly dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated.) "Cymbeline" was Shakespeare's knock-off of "The Trouble With Harry", Hitchcock's least funny film. -- K. I wish Shakespeare were here so we could watch "Brazil", "Fight Club", and "Pulp Fiction". He'd love those DVDs, even though the characters don't speak in rap like everyone did back in his time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:37:31 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet the full acronym for your "PALS" group ... > > Allow me to clarify. There IS no "PALS group." And I am not a > group-joining person, so even if such a group existed I would not be a > part of it. I was speaking of identifying the broad-spectrum of > kink-enhanced peoples with such an acronym. I'm sorry, but your acronym is not okay. Us pervs will stand for silly flags, hankie semaphores, and secret ways of wearing our socks so as to indicate our private dimensions, but your acronym is too sissy for those of us who happen to be butch. Go peddle your acronym on Charles Nelson Reilly. Maybe you could monogram it onyo a frilly hankie for him. > And as far as you being gay and all, we already KNOW that, so you can > skip that part in your coming-out speech. Well, just for that, I'm not coming out. That'll teach you to make assumptions about my orientation based on at least one subtle hint I may have dropped. > I am just hoping you are not a craven, sniveling subbie-boy. > > But if you are, we'll all get a kick out of watching DeLaney pull on > his thigh-highs and whale the tar out of you! And what if I'm versatile? What if I have the urge to punish people who keep trying to stick inane acronyms to me? -- K. And it's not an "alternative lifestyle". It's my NORMAL lifestyle. This is me all day from now on, baby. I'm here, I'm NORMAL, get used to it. Yay for Einstein allowing me to choose any fixed frame of reference! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:39:31 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started > > > wondering yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY > > > or MAY NOT be kinky for the past thousand articles or so? > > > > Personally, *I'VE* been wondering when the hell you're going to get it > > up enough to jump off the fence and NAME YOUR PARAPHILIA! > > [...] Kibo's perv is probably going to involve root beer flavored > pudding, and none of us can compete with that kind of action. Well, I do wear the "I EAT GLUE." T-shirt under my leather jacket with my leather hat and leather pants and leather boots and leather gloves, but it doesn't say "I EAT REALLY DISGUSTING ROOT-BEER-FLAVORED GLUE SOLD AT THE NEW SUPERMARKET THE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO USED TO SHOP AT THE OLD ONE AROUND THE CORNER HAVEN'T DISCOVERED YET," so I guess my kink will have to remain a mystery, and you'll have to keep cleaning my boots until you guess it. And, oh look, I seem to have accidentally gotten disgusting root-beer-flavored pudding all over my boots. Start licking. > > Besides, "kinky" is SO last century. Now we call ourselves PALS: > > People in Alternative Life Styles. > > That is so absolutely disgustingly yuppie. PALS? For the love of > fuck, people. Have some dignity! Don't be a lemming. Not everything > you belong to has to be a cutesy acronym that will fit on a shiny > rainbow-colored window sticker. "PALS" is "SLAP" spelled backwards. That could stand for "Sadomasochistic Lemmings Ate Pudding". But that wouldn't help, unless they did, and not even a sadomasochist will eat that stuff. I mean, it has the color of kitty litter but the texture of snot. And frankly, I bet snot would taste better. Icky chemically-synthesized faux nineteenth-century root beer flavor doesn't even belong in root beer, let alone those no-refrigeration-needed pudding cups where the whole milk has been replaced by a mixture of liquid latex and turpentine. -- K. When I finally name my paraphilia, you can bet it's going to be something like "Kibophrenia", "Kibosmosis", or possibly "Kibogeddon". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 00:46:36 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > I prefer to be cruel and unusual personally. > > > > [...] Shall I come over around 4am, or should I just mail you > > the keys to a rental car, lock myself in the trunk, and wait for > > you to drive off with me at your leisure? > > Er - it's already 5am... Good thing this is one of those cool new cars with wireless Internet access in the trunk. > And wouldn't I have to rent a rental car to drive to where you had parked > the rental car (I -hope- it's in Park), since the last time I tried to get > near New York State my car decided to die in a burst of smoking transmission > agony, and this one's not feeling all -that- much better but I've convinced > it it can run anyway? We're going to New York? Cool! Can we go to White Castle? > > Also, to the rest of alt.religion.kibology: Have you started wondering > > yet why I've been PRETENDING to be HINTING that I MAY or MAY NOT be > > kinky for the past thousand articles or so? If so, here's a clue: > > Some people are PERVERTS! Especially those of you who are interested > > in whether or not I'm a perv, which is none of your damn business, > > especially if I really am! > > If that were subjunctive I think it wouldn't be correct. Luckily it isn't, > so I think it may be. Oh, you truly are the master of dominance and subjunctivism. > > You people should be spanked! > > Except for David, who should > > do the spanking! With a > > rolled-up "Space: 1999" > > comic book just so that nobody > > can say it's inappropriate > > on alt.religion.kibology! > > Does this mean it's once again time to shuffle the personalities again here > on ark? It would be if more people had them. Fortunately, I am the only personality here. > Because I have to say I'm fairly sure Harlan does this better than me. Yeah, but whenver he spanks someone he always stomps a dirty word into their neatly-vacuumed white carpet and leaves them tied to the bed when he goes off to steal ideas from "The Terminator" for some "Outer Limits" episodes he's writing. -- K. "Run! It's Harlan Ellison with a whip! This is scarier than that time Ray Bradbury crushed my house with his steamroller!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 14:40:25 -0500 The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Greetings, > > Forgive my solicitous nature, but... for the past few months I've had > the privilege of house-sitting for my Grandson, and though I haven't > burned the place down to the ground I've also been somewhat negligent > when cleaning up spills and such as quickly as my Grandson would > probably have liked. Look, I'm no spring chicken here, so I slacked off > while the liquids set into various fabrics, it happens. None of this was > done to be malicious. I'm just forgetful. When you say "various liquids", are we talking beverages, or something that happens after the beverages? > Despite my lackadaiscial and some would say apathetic approach to the > science of housework I've just learned that he'll be returning home from > the clinic where he's been staying by Friday, or Saturday, and I fear > I'm in a bit of a pickle, and I could use some assistance. LIKE NOW! THE STAINS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE PICKLE! (cue pickle-flavored "Twilight Zone" music) > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? I usually call Harvey Keitel. He fixes things for me. And nobody notices, or if they do, they're gone. Simple problems demand simple solutions. Oh, and you might want to clean that wristwatch really good, the one Chris Walken gave you. > Although I've stayed out of his room, the rest of the pad could use a > good "going over" as they say. Simply put, its looking quit bedraggled, > and I don't want to botch the job. AWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! Mr. Hole, you've GONE OVER! I'm sooooooooo sorrrrrrrrrrrry you're not going to win the Showcase Showdown, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!, Mr. Hole! AWWWWWWWWWW! Now promise to have your pet spayed or neutered or get off the stage. (When Bob Barker dies, who are they going to replace him with? Where will they ever find someone who can even pretend to have that much phony sympathy in such an obviously fake manner?) > Please, be precise, because I don't want my cleaning methods or work > ethic to be viewed as derelict. I claim right of salvage on your derelict, except I won't touch your dinghy. > Also, I would be remiss were I not to mention here that most of these > stains were caused by my ectoplasm. I'm afraid I just expel the stuff at > the drop of a hat; I could be floating somewhere, minding my own > beeswax, and if you were to take a peak underneath me you'd find a > rather thick, stewy puddle of the stuff all over the place, its quite > unsightly I'm afraid. > > Any cleaning tips would be appreciated. Well, who ya gonna call? > Huckleberry Hole Worst gay bar name EVER. Not even as good as "Yogi Bear's Cave" or "Snaggleputz" or "Snorks & Poppers" or "Scooby Do Me" or "Magilla Gorilla, Now A Lesbian". I should add that all Hanna-Barbera cartoons are destined to become gay bars. That's part of the secret agenda of Hanna-Barbera, to raise a generation of gay kids who like to slide back and forth across the same background over and over while yelling "BARNEY! MY PEBBLES!" -- K. It all started with "Pie Pirates". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:18:48 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > BTW, is anyone else annoyed when casual acquaintances and cow-orkers > refer to you by a diminutive form of your name (if that's what it's > called)? Lots of my cow-orkers, and my boss, often call me "Kev." > Since my boss's name is Ben, I'm a bit at a disadvantage if I wish to > retaliate in kind. I suppose I could respond by saying "Buh," but he's > used to hearing that from me. I don't know who this B.T.W. person is you're talking to, but yeah, I hate it when people call me by some nickname like "James" or "Jim" instead of "Kibo". In terms of retaliation, you're not as clever as I am. I can make up new nicknames for people on the spot. If you call me something like "Jim" (and you're not someone who knew me when I was six) I'll call you something like "Dodie" or "Captain Dirto" or "Flumpy". Then if you ask, "How do you get 'Flumpy' from 'Kevin'?" I'll yell, "THE SAME WAY YOU GOT 'JIM' FROM 'KIBO'!" And when you hear me yell, you damn well better apologize in the form of an "I'm sorry, sir, it won't happen again, KIBO, sir," because when you hear me raise my voice you know bad things are about to happen because it's really quite RARE for me to speak in ALL CAPITALS. -- K. And then comes the curbjob. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:04:20 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > However, people who try and call me "Stace" to annoy me (as > > everyone on ARK did when I first revealed how pissed off I got) > > doesn't bother me much. It's the people who don't know me > > and who think that my name is too long and needs to be > > shortened that bug me. Two syllables is too hard! > > Contrariwise, I often think that people don't have sufficient > syllables in their names. I used to irritate a pal of mine > called Kerry by speculating on whether that was short for > Kerrence, Kerrington, or, perhaps, Keregrine. I like that. It's the opposite of demeaning someone by using an unwanted diminutive. You're honoring the person by making the name sound more pedigreed. By why limit yourself to making it upscale in such an Anglo way? Try some African-sounding name extensions. Kerrishasa and Kerrimbwe are just as much fun to say. > "Stacia" I would assume must be short for some splendidly > polysyllabic name too hard for Anglophones to pronounce > accurately, such as Staciannakaliopekaliphygia. > > Please do not disillusion me. I was just assuming it was a Roman name, the daughter of some famous gladiator named Stacius Stabbius. But the "-us" ending only gives us one extra letter and no bonus syllables. So, how can we pile more syls onto Stacia? Oh, I know -- it's short for "Sta Central Intelligence Agency". 'Cause she's a secret agent. Possibly a double or triple agent. Sent here to infiltrate alt.religion.kibology to tape our conversations and look for perverts so that the tapes of us talking dirty can be sent to that secret bunker where J. Edgar Hoover has been having a riotous party non-stop for the last thirty years, where ribald people are giggling while listening to tapes of people saying "wank". -- K. And I hear that John Kerry is short for "the offspring of a weird mating between Jay Leno and the mask from 'Scream'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 00:54:50 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I don't know who this B.T.W. person is you're talking to, but yeah, > > > I hate it when people call me by some nickname like "James" or > > > "Jim" instead of "Kibo". > > > > What do people call you? After ten years of pronouncing it Keebo, > > I cannot call you by your real nickname. Is Jim too familiar? Is > > Jimmy too stupid? > > I'm personally in favor of "Jim-Dandy", but that doesn't work quite as > well now that Kibo's changed his look so he's no longer the top-hat- > wearing dandy he used to be. Darn it, Kibo, put on your high-collared > shirt and ride your pennyfarthing bicycle back to the elegant 1880s, > because here in the queer 1930s it's just too dull for a fellow like > you. You can take your Ronson (not Ronco) Touch-Tip Turret cigarette > lighter back with you so you can set things on fire with style rather > than with Lucifer Matches. It's not the queer 1930s. It's the bacony 2000s. For the next thousand years. And if you ever, ever, EVER call me "Jim" with or without the "Dandy", I and my current imaginary husband (Jack Black) will never visit you again even though he's good friends with your real wife (Janeane Garofalo.) -- K. She confuses my sadar! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:09:54 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a relative back in the Civil War days who actually had the name > Dorcas Hoback. How sad would that be? Lately I've been thinking that if I ever go on a crime spree, first I should legally change my name to Fnu Lnu, or Nk Nk, just to confuse the people reading the police reports. (Those are short for "First Name Unknown", "Last Name Unknown", and "Not Known", and are filled in blanks when the arresting officer can't be bothered to torture you into telling them your name, or when he doesn't know which state you live in with Marge and Homer.) So, anyway, Dorcas Hoback. That name has an interesting rhythm to it. It's like poetry, except it's short and makes no sense. But it's sure fun to yell. Okay, I guess that makes it completely unlike poetry. Poetry is for sissies and squares, man! Dorcas Hoback is such a cool name it should be a swear word! -- K. or NK. That is the question. (Insert joke about mathematical logic in the form of a Shakespearean sonnet) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:19:07 -0500 [Concerning misspellings on birth certificates, like Elvis's middle name and that certificate that said Gene Rayburn was "human"] barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Clearly, the stress of childbirth on fathers' spelling means that > > we need to create a new profession sort of like midwives but with > > the job of offering spelling advice. > > Especially because my nephew and his wife named their daughter Elexus, > and they spelled it that way ON PURPOSE. Well, she could be "Ele" for short, but then people will keep giving her cases of Ensure for her birthday, especially if she votes for President Easy Reader. (Too bad nobody out there saw that movie, or if you did, you really shouldn't admit to it.) "Elexus" sounds like she should be hanging out with Jesse Ventura and Jim Belushi in "Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe". (Too bad some of you out there _did_ see that movie.) Also, no good name begins with "Sux" when spelled backwards. -- K. With regard to baby names, here's a fragment of a story I once started and couldn't bring myself to complete: BEETHOVEN'S FIRST BABY by James "Kibo" Parry "I've named him 'Captain Baggy Diapers Also Known As Shazbot Q. Pufnstuf And The Max Weinberg Seven In Bed The Clown On Fire Reptilicus Nutria Zombie Dominatrix Cancer O'Crumpet Verizon', with as his middle name, 'Dumbo Flubber Gloopy-Dee-Dee Triscuit-Like Clamato Rimmer Tourmalinated Gypsum Sardonicus Baggier Double Diapers Wigwam Etch-A-Sketch Plasmodium Effluent Fupper Fono Crontab Playtex Rubbermaid Schwarzenougat Trapezoidal Banana Monkeyfur J. Pussywillow With A Side Of Eraserhead'. It's all legal because I just wrote it on his birth certificate in blood, unless it has to be my blood in which case I'll need an eraser... c'mere, Eraserhead." [rest of story missing] THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can Someone Help Me Get Out Some Pesky Stains? Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:07:43 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Ghost of Grandpa Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > > > Does anyone here have reliable cleaning techniques for stain removal? > > > > I usually call Harvey Keitel. > > I've just realized that if I marry Harvey Keitel, my last name will be > an anagram of my first name. I think I would like that. Hmm. If my iBook hadn't broken, then Pee-wee Herman could say, "Hey Kibo! For the rest of the day, your secret name is Kibo-O! And since you love your iBook, why don't you marry it? Then your last name would be an anagram of your secret name!" but that'll never happen, because I could never love a computer that breaks so easily, especially if Pee-wee wanted me to. Also, this iBook has the industrial design of a Frigidaire from 1953, except smaller and noisier. > Hell, I could do worse than Harvey Keitel. In that movie, there would be a few worse choices (such as Quentin Tarantino The Actor, the "It's Pat" woman, extremely old Emil Sitka, and of course John Travolta) but also some better choices. For instance, medieval computer genius Ving Rhames, or the Shaftacular Samuel L. Jackson. Me, I'd go for either whats-her-name -- you know, the tomato joke woman with the Betty Page 'do -- or best of all, that guy who co-wrote "It's Pat: The Movie". -- K. Oh, and if youse ever need ta cure ya'self of any attraction ta Harvey Keitel, see him as da medieval Spanish knight in dat udder film, "Star Knight", aka "Knight of da Dragon". Yeah, a medieval knight what talks like Keitel. You gotta problem wid funny accents, toikey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:16:21 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The other side of the coin is when someone makes a post that's pretty dang > brilliant and the other brilliant people can't think of anything to say and > the pathetic wankers (raises hand) are afraid to followup to the post as it > would expose them as the pathetic wankers (raises hand) that they are. So > here you'd have a post of amazing wit, memeness and topicality with nary a > followup. This happens fairly often and the concept was explored pretty > thoroughly in a discussion of how followups are often lacking to many of > David (an ego the size of Wisconsin) Pacheco's posts, but I'm too lazy to > attempt to look up the thread as the years have had a tendency to run > together and this may have been many years ago. Also the thread may have > only occurred in my mind as planted by the alien mind control lasers, but > even with that it was an interesting discussion. BEWARE THE SKIES! > > So I suppose what I'm attempting to say is that lack of followups isn't the > sign of a less than stellar post, it's people following up to say "YOU > SUCK" that's the sign of a less than stellar post. Also, BEWARE THE SKIES! What if they say "BEWARE YOU SUCK THE SKIES!" or possibly, "HOLY SHAZBOT, THAT'S A LESS THAN STELLAR POST, AND IT'S SO LESS THAN STELLAR THAT I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT EVEN THOUGH I'M A PATHETIC WANKER WHO IS CONSIDERED PATHETIC EVEN BY PATHETIC WANKERS LIKE YOU!"? And does it count if they forget to use the STUPID CAPS? Also, nobody ever follows up to my posts. I think that, from now on, whenever I receive zero or fewer responses, that everyone should be subjected to negative reinforcement. That's right, I'm going to open up your three-ring binder and put in special little "O"-shaped stickers that make it impossible for the pages to stay in place. Also, how come those little stickers survived into the twentieth century? They belong to an era that had cravats and horseradish! -- K. I miss horseradish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:46:16 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I love Quizno's, but I'm boycotting them until they get rid of those > stoopid, obnoxious, fuzz covered rat turds on their commercials that > make me want to STICK A PENCIL UP DEEP INTO MY EYESOCKET AND SWIRL IT > AROUND IN COUNTER CLOCKWISE CIRCLES! Well, if you don't like the Quizno's commercials that star the shrieking feces with the horrible facial deformities and a hatred of all humanity, then I think you're probably going to dislike that new McDonalds ad campaign where they're replaced Ronald McDonald with a singing jar of vomit. And the best part is, you probably think I'm kidding. They're putting in a Quizno's across the street from my office right now. I don't know how they can do that, given that Brookline is one of those oh-we're-so-proud-of-how-white-we-are neighborhoods that won't allow McDonalds or Dunkin' Donuts to move in because those places attract the wrong kind of customers (i.e. people who don't wear sweaters.) Other than the forthcoming Quizno's, the closest that neighborhood has ever come to discovering the concept of fast food was when they put in a Trader Joe's, and then they still required it to be installed directly behind the drive-through bank whose "BLART! BLART! BLART! BLART!" alarm goes off whenever you walk through the drive-through lane just so you have adequate warning you're about to do something stupid when you go to Trader Joe's. There used to be an International House Of Pancakes down the street, but when they changed their name to "IHOP" they were forced out of business because the locals thought that "IHOP" sounded too much like rap lingo. However, that neighborhood does have a store that sells nothing but Gravity Boots, so that's a win if you like hanging upside-down better than you like eating. -- K. Both are good, and it's a great time-saver to combine them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:28:27 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > I miss horseradish. > > In Syracuse we have these places called "grocery stores", In Boston we have an invisible weapon '*'Sarcasm'*'. See, I was alluding to the way some things seem like they're from the nineteenth century even though we still have all the same stuff now that it's the twentieth century. > which sell a "variety" of "food items", including horseradish. > Also our across the street neighbor at our old house grows horseradish. It's probably not as kosher as the stuff I buy from the kosher supermarket over in the kosher section of town. I don't know why they bothered opening that market, though, because Boston doesn't have any Jewish people in it. > Also if you go to Clark's Ale House in Armory Square you can get a > roast beef sandwich and you can get horseradish to go on it. Wimp! I would order a horseradish sandwich with roast beef on it. > This one time? This friend of mine? He was there with a cow orker? > And they had a horseradish eating contest? And they got up to like > three tablespoons on a cracker in one mouthful and that was their > limit? And they declared it a draw? And the next morning? > He saw the cow orker? And informed her he'd changed his mind, she'd won! That isn't a complete story unless you tell me what the prize was for the winner. Was it one of those "Brady Bunch" things like "you have to be my slave for six months" like in that episode, you know the one I mean? > Or maybe you had to be there? But anyway I followed up to your post, > Kibo, so keep your filthy Klemperer-loving hands off my binders. I could never love Werner Klemperer. However, I do own the same model of tripod that was used in the final scene of "Auto Focus". So don't make me go all John Carpenter on your ass. (Sadly, I don't have a shiny, toy-like plastic Green Goblin suit to go with it.) As far as eating contests involving spicy food go, I should warn you that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. I need to get a bottle of real hot sauce (like the yellow Scotch Bonnet stuff I like) to bring into my office which is sandwiched between Trader Joe's and other places that don't sell hot sauce and barely even sell food. Trader Joe's sucks, especially if you like food you can taste. This "hot sauce" from Trader Joe's is about as weak as Tabasco. You have to bear in mind I have purchased at least three cans of that Vietnamese pepper powder with the picture of Henry Kissinger's favorite bomb on the side. Food should not just be spicy. Food should lead to screaming and running around in circles with tears squirting from one's eyes like fire hoses. Food should take one into headspace. Food should dissolve your plate so you don't have to wash it. Food should consist of a big bowl of hot sauce with a few bits of meat floating in it (the "Spice 'n' Hot" restaurant in Malden adheres to this philosophy, all their takeout consists of acid-proof polyethylene tubs of bright red liquid with unidentifiable meat bits suffering in it.) Horseradish is somewhat different in its effects compared to hot pepper. More of a tear-gas effect where the vapors make you feel like your shrivelled eyeballs are burrowing down into your sinus cavities. But hey, if you guys want to help me start a riot, I wouldn't object to being pepper-sprayed OR tear-gassed, so I can handle a little horseradish mixed in with the hot pepper. -- K. And also, I challenge everyone in the world to a bacon-eating contest. First one to eat all the bacon in the world wins! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK News Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 14:58:12 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > that in the last week I've eaten 3/4 of a bottle of hot sauce -- in > > three meals. It's from Trader Joe's, so that explains it -- it's > > just jalape–os and vinegar, there aren't even any hot peppers in it. > > Be sure not to be tricked by the Trader Joe's sauce called the > "Scoville Scoundrel", which from the name of it sounds like it would > be ultra-hot, but it turns out to be just honey mustard sauce without > a hint of spiciness to it at all. Oh, I know. I always read the ingredients before I buy something (to make sure there's no cheese in it, always a concern at Trader Joe's.) The ingredients for this one were something like: INGREDIENTS: WATER, VINEGAR, CORN SYRUP, HOT SAUCE (HABENERO PEPPERS, WATER, VINEGAR), HONEY, MUSTARD, VANILLIN, RED DYES NUMBER ONE THROUGH NINETY-FIVE. I may be exaggerating a little, but some "hot sauce" made from habanero peppers was one of the sub-ingredients on the list, implying that Trader Joe's went to a real supermarket, bought one bottle of actual hot sauce, then watered it down to make the entire production run of the "Scoville Scoundrel". Habaneros are good. This sauce claims only to have been made from some diluted homeopathic tincture made from something made from something else that once touched a habanero. > Maybe it's called "Scoville" because, I don't know, maybe it was > invented in the same town as a Unix vendor whose headquarters is > covered in lawsuit cannons shooting lawsuits in all directions at > all times, because it sure doesn't deserve to be called that > because of spiciness. I haven't tasted it, and I never will. But I have had Pure Cap and various other hot sauces accompanied by marketing gimmicks that required me to sign waivers of liability, show proof of majority, etc. to taste them at that condiment tradeshow a couple years ago. You know, the one where I went from booth to booth saying, "Meh." -- K. Trader Joe's can kiss my spicy hot ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: it's like a Renaissance Festival, except with less bathing Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:53:10 -0500 [from apnews.excite.com] -> -> Nebraska Mayor Implements Shaving `ban' -> -> Mar 9, 11:04 AM (ET) -> -> LEXINGTON, Neb. (AP) - Beware of going whiskerless in Lexington -> these days. -> -> Lexington Mayor John Fagot has implemented a "ban" on shaving -> for every man in town older than 21. Never mind that, how does he feel about gay marriage? Or as he might spell it, gay mariage? -> Those caught clean-shaven without a shaving permit could face -> being dunked in a horse tank or other benign punishment. Mmm, the humiliating pleasure of benign punishment. Black is white! Up is down! Punishment is benign! Two and two make five! Europe has always been at war with Eastasia! -> The mayor implemented the lighthearted ban to get the town in -> the spirit of this summer's Plum Creek Days, a festival bearing -> the town's former name. One of the festival's traditional -> highlights is a beard-growing contest. At last, we've discovered a type of race more boring than the 2004 Presidential primaries. -> The not-so-consequential edict is in effect until July 5, the -> last day of the three-day festival. -> -> The ban is part of a Lexington-area tradition that began in 1939 -> with the first Plum Creek Days festival. Those wanting to shave -> can avoid being arrested and taken to Kangaroo Court by -> purchasing a special shaving permit. But they can only be purchased with old-timey wooden nickels which can only be earned by taking an old-timey job at a horehound mine while wearing old-timey underwear lined with old-timey camphor, because the olden days were wacky fun for everyone! Except the ones who died of mumps. -> Along with the shaving ban, the mayor has proclaimed all men and -> women must dress in Western or historic clothing on Fridays -> beginning in May. Also, NO BROWN LEATHER! UNLESS PART OF A COMPLETE COWBOY OUTFIT! -> Kangaroo Court will be held every Friday beginning June 4 and -> will included "trumped-up charges and fun sentencing," Fagot said. I was going to write a short story titled "Fagot's Fun Sentencing" which would be all about diagramming sentences with a Squiggle Writer, but then the phrase "trumped-up" suggested I'd have to put Donald Trump into the story, and having a gay guy in the same story as someone with that horrible hair-like hair might lead to lethal levels of cattiness, so instead I decided to write "Captain Kangaroo Court" where miscreants would be executed by having a million billion zillion Ping-Pong balls dropped on them, and if that didn't work, Bill Cosby would read PicturePages to them until their brains exploded, but that was too grim an idea to use in a story inspired by the late, sweet Bob Keeshan, so instead of writing a story about creative sentencing I settled for writing a sentence that took on a life of its own and wouldn't stop until it got to the phrase "All the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg," and that made this sentence almost as distressing as finding out that all the flavors of blue Gatorade come out of different parts of Max Weinberg. -- K. Forget being arrested and taken to kangaroo court. I just want to be arrested by some sort of bear. Where's Smokey these days? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 02:50:58 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I think she was having an episode. Like Stacia. > > > > > > Stacia tends to have whole seasons. > > > > "Stacia doesn't just have issues; she has the full subscription." > > So, ask me what I had when I read the notarized eviction notice that > arrived in the mail this evening. > > Go ahead. Ask. Make sure it fits on a bumpersticker and is > accompanied by a cartoon woman with frizzy hair and bug eyes to > illustrate the point. Oh no! Now you'll have to yell "ACK!" while trying on a swimsuit every day for the rest of your life! Couldn't you at least have turned into Ziggy so that you'd never bother anyone? Ziggy never does anything, but Cathy keeps making that hairball noise! Sorry to hear about your eviction. (I've been hoping to get evicted, but it hasn't been working.) If you need a place to stay in the meantime, I can clear some of the laundry off the futon in the living room. The only TV is in my bedroom so you'll have to choose between no TV and no privacy. -- K. The futon is in the living room, because there's no space for it in the armor room. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 23:08:18 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > HOW I ALMOST GOT EVICTED AGAIN > BY LITTLE STACIA > AGE 3 MONTHS Hey! I think you might be lying about your age, you big grup! > [...] > I scraped together all but $67.00 of the rent. The manager of the > place told me that as long as you let him know what was going on and > paid the late fees, late rent was not a problem. So I dropped off rent > and a letter Friday and told them what was going on and would pay the > $67.00 plus late fees in a few days. > On Monday they sent out the notarized eviction notice. It gave me 24 > hours to pay rent and late fees or they'd sic the sheriff on me. > I knew that was not right. This is not my first eviction notice. > Remember, I was stupiderer once, and the slumlord I rented from several > years ago once tried to kick me out so she could raise the rent. Since > I'm not a lawyer I freely admit I may be misunderstanding this, but > Kansas law says if a landlord allows late rent "without reservation" > then they can't kick you out for nonpayment. And my lease allows late > rent with late fees. Holy cow. In Boston, they all say that if your rent is thirty seconds late, you get blindfolded and pushed into a vat of molten glass. > Being that I'm not a lawyer, and still a reasonable amount of stupid, > I chose to get a "payday loan" at a pawn shop paid the assholes. > But I'm not sure they could have evicted me, anyways. Look at it this way, at least it gave you an opportunity to surround yourself with the wonderful atmosphere of a pawn shop for a little while. It's like taking a vacation inside the mind of Charles Dickens. I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > I know I was late on $67.00 of the rent, and I accept that, but I was > dealing with it in the terms that are laid out in the lease, which last > I knew was legally binding. Plus I'd called the manager like a good > little girl. Threatening eviction after all that seems to be the work > of assholes. Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on moving into your apartment when they kick you out for paying your rent with money that smells like the durian wafers I keep in my wall safe to keep burglars from taking the $67 in life savings I have. That reminds me, I need to call my lawyer to find out what's going on with the class action suit against a certain assbag scumhole landlord. And by the way, I may have forgotten to mention this lately, but my building has not burned or flooded in the past week. -- K. Oh great, now I jinxed it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Message for Mister Wilson! Calling Mister Wilson! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 00:20:02 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [pawn shops had been mentioned] > > > > I've never been in one, but I still cringe whenever I remember that > > one in Las Vegas that had the row of wheelchairs in the window. > > You've never been in a pawn shop? I WIN! FINALLY, SOMETHING I HAVE > DONE THAT KIBO HASN'T! (Coffee doesn't count.) Does mocha count as coffee? I had some mocha-flavored candy today, but I don't know if that counts because it has chocolate in it instead of something made from alkaloid-laden beans. > The local pawn shops were my friends for several years. My poor > guitar was in hock for the better part of a decade. I wish I were rich so I could have lots of stuff to hock to get money so I wouldn't be so poor. (Wilful ignorance of the laws of logic is my friend.) > > Glad to hear it's sort of working out. If you need another $67 loan, > > I can give you one interest-free, providing I can call first dibs on > > moving into your apartment > > You want to live in a trailer in Kansas during storm season? > Be my guest. Sure! Does your guest room have a king-size bed or just a queen? Either way, I'll be right over, once Dave DeLaney lets me out of this car trunk. (I'm glad God sends wireless Internet access raining down from the heavens.) -- K. I think I've turned into the Al Molinaro of the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 15:14:53 -0500 Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! [from www.canoe.ca] -> -> PENTICTON, B.C. -- A man who ran naked down the street with -> blood gushing from his severed penis yesterday mutilated -> himself, said RCMP in this Okanagan city. Police received a -> report at about 2 p.m. of a man running down the street, -> screaming "Repent, repent, fornicators." -> -> The 33-year-old Penticton man, who was wearing only a tuque, O CA-NA-DA! OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM IN ALL THY SONS COM-MAND! ...hey, why am I the only one standing and singing? Come on, everyone, it's the most Canadian thing ever -- a guy with a tuque and no penis! -> was later found with his penis and testicles severed near a -> construction site. -> -> Paramedics covered the struggling, bleeding man with a sheet and -> lifted him onto a stretcher while he continued to yell. Well, of course. He'd only been yelling in English, so he had to repeat everything in French, because even a crazy guy who rips his winky off with tin snips doesn't want to go to jail for not using enough French. -> Foul play is not suspected, said RCMP. -> -> The man's severed parts were later found in his home and taken -> to hospital. -> -> It wasn't known whether surgery would be performed to re-attach them. "parts"? "them"? He had more than one penis? Somehow I find that hard to believe. Unless he was a typical Canadian fur trapper with a pocket full of moose penises. And even then, he probably would have already traded them in for a bucket of chicken at PFK. -- K. It was nice of him to put on his tuque just so he wouldn't freak anyone out by running around naked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's time for a sing-along! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:22:20 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, everyone! Join me in song when you hear the cue! > > > > O CA-NA-DA! > > > > OUR HOME AND NA-TIVE LAND! > > > > TRUE PA-TRIA-TIZZUM > > It's "True patriot love," you wanker. *sigh* What happened to the olden days, when it was harder to troll alt.religion.kibology regulars than regular regulars? I was going to claim that the reason for the funny lyrics was that I was singing the Quebecois version, which is the same as the Ontario version with three words changed (or four words relative to the Nunavut version) but then I got worried you'd think I was only pretending to be pretending to be an idiot. Also, I am not an idiot, although sometimes I'm not so sure it was a good idea to move to this little town in Nunavut and take up ice-fishing. It's just so hard to bait the hook because the ice cube keeps falling off. -- K. Also, only British people say "wanker", proper Canadians say "lacrosseur". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I HAD 99% IN MATH AND WAS SECOND FASTEST RUNNER IN MY GRADE SCHOOL!! WHY DID I GET "C's" in math classes??? Because Holmes, Ziobrons, Kleverings, or Kelly Boland controlled my brain so that I fell asleep in important classes!!! Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 16:44:14 -0500 Oh, I've been trying to not mock the crazy folk lately (I'm a NICE guy!) but this one's too good to pass up. A week and a half ago, over on sci.psychology.misc, David Allen Kube (kube22000@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dear FBI, CIA, Police, and others: > > February 26th notes: > > [...] > 1) The past 2 or 3 days, they must have weaved the heck out of my > testicle and behind region.. Because I removed at least 100 little > filaments from my testicle and penis region, and also from my behind. Be careful not to remove the last little filament from your crotch. You need that one to pee out of. > It felt terrible.. Torturous to the point where I screamed out like a > monkey on many occasions. > > 2) The dreams and images are not as intense where I am > staying, but they still are able to access the phone modules implanted > in my head there. > > I had images of Booth, Suzy Saffron, and Carmen Mertins, and a guy > that resembles a Caris a little bit. > > And a dream of my mother last night.. > > Maybe some other dreams that I cannot remember. Tell us more about these dreams you can't remember. > 3) They have huge lower body harnesses, and they know that my entire > life - I have put a lot of importance on fitness and athletics. > > They have totally retarded my lower body with hip and shin and upper > leg harnesses. This is the line which clenched my teeth and made me go "NnnnnNNNnnGH!" for several minutes while I kept reminding myself that I'm too nice a guy to mock someone just for using the words "totally retarded" in a sentence about non-erotic lower body restraints. I expect that within a week, this person will post a crudely-drawn diagram showing the positioning of each of the 350 D-rings on the leather straps that attach to the penis filaments. > [...] > > 4) Spinal column devices or little remote control nails or screws in > my spinal column, which felt terrible yesterday and 2 days ago... But > I may recover from the spinal column devices. > > 5) The most frightening of all the devices, and most destructive that > I know go the "deepest" into the brain. > > Some sort of "little coils" going directly into my brain, and make me > pass out completely. > > I know that they have destroyed 1) at least 10 up to 25 different > jobs, and 2) thousands upon thousands of hours of class-time lowering > my consciousness to the point of not thinking or sleeping completely. > > Two people here associate with these devices... 1) That guy about > 5'7 that resembles Irish Shawn, and he controls a device in my brain > that makes me less conscious, but not totally unconscious. I felt it > about 3:20 or so this afternoon. > > and 2) The guy about 5'9 to 6'0 that resembles Tom Baker, Oh no! He used his time machine to trans-mat a bunch of jelly babies into your brain! His Tardis made you tarded! > and the little heavy girl with glasses about 5'1 to 5'2... I passed out > completely before they got onto the Space Coast bus today, Hey, leave Gary Owens out of this! He was the second best "Gong Show" host ever! > and now it is obvious that they have some sort of radar, and saw me on this > radar... Pressed the button, and I passed out like a killer... Then I > woke up 5 minutes later, and they were sitting there on the bus... > > I will say almost for certain that the device that these 2 have > implanted probably causes severe brain damage. > > and then the man about 5'8 that looked like an older or middle aged > Catholic was playing with a rubber band, and I had a dream last night > with my mom and a rubber band!!! YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY OR DESCRIBED IN ADEQUATE DETAIL FOR AN INTERNET AUDIENCE! > And the other people that may have radars are: > > 1) The shorter woman with red hair that resembles Mrs. Michaels, and > 2) The German looking girl about 5'8 that looks like an Olympic > athlete. > > Then: 3) Some very attractive young women at the Cocoa Beach library > seem to see me on this radar also. It always boils down to the nation's public library system. But I think your delusions are more creative than Don Saklad's. I mean, he never talks about being retarded by "Doctor Who". > So it all may be separate: > > 1) The Hispanics controlling the Spinal Column, I don't think I need to ask what group controls the foreskin. > 2) The terrible electric coils going into my brain by 1) Irish Shawn > and 2) the guy that resembles Tom Baker; and I do not know what Police > Department or Health care system or military organization or religion > that they are representing. They look like 2 Jehovahs witnesses to > me(The Tom Baker resemblance and the short girl with glasses). Never mind Tom Baker, what we need to know is, how are the Daleks involved? Especially the ones with the toilet plungers for hands? > 3) The group "weaving my testicle region" torturing me.. That's what you get for joining Sy Sperling's Pubic Hair Club For Men. > With the terrible remote control lower body harnesses totally retarding > my lower body. > > I had a lower body very fast, and perfect for sports. Strong legs and > calves. > > 4) The attractive Italian looking woman and the "ace"(resembling the > girl next door in Tate in Fall of 1988 that looked German or Swedish) > that see me on radar. > > 5) The different imagers and video projection devices, that I know > connect to Booth, Holmes and Boulard, Bloomberg, Elliott, and Dan > Winterbottom, and maybe some other people. And to Heavy Jim, Saffron, > and Windiate(Irish Catholics). If you need to stick me into your theory somewhere, I look sort of like what a 1950's Hell's Angel would have looked like in Viking days if the Vikings had been Canadian and really nerdy except that I'm not Canadian and also I dress more like a biker than real bikers do. I hope this clears things up for you -- I'm not trying to retard you or anything. -- K. Now I must go put on my seven-million-mile-long scarf, for I am off to the Viking era! VWORP VWORP VWORP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A stunningly weird commercial. Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 17:02:16 -0500 I just saw an ad for a prescription heartburn medication. The wife is pouring gravy on her husband's meat loaf. In mid-air, it changes to a stream of steel pushpins. They freeze in mid-air and the camera circles around them like in "The Matrix", only weird. Everyone else at the table is happily chatting and completely ignoring the guy's terrified expression as he attempts to eat a plate of meat loaf covered with pushpins. He picks up a forkful of meat and spikes pop out, in extreme close-up. So, why the hell doesn't he divorce her? -- K. And how is this pill supposed to make his family stop ignoring him? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, Saskatchewan's got rubes! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 14:53:21 -0500 [from www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Sask.'s bid to be capital of American culture ends Saskatchewan... capital... of... American... CULTURE? Oh, man. Someone's been smoking some really wacky permafrosted tobaccy. Sorry, Ottawa is already the capital of North America. And everyone knows that the capital of Regular America is New York. -> By JULIAN BRANCH -> Canadian Press -> -> REGINA -- Saskatchewan said no thanks yesterday to an -> international group that has designated the province the -> American Capital of Culture for 2005. -> -> It turns out the Spanish-based organization of the same name -> wanted $500,000 (U.S.) to pay for an international promotional -> package to extol the virtues of Saskatchewan's "great cultural -> tradition in the editorial and audiovisual sectors, as well as -> in folk art and visual arts." -> -> Saskatchewan Culture spokesman Bryon Burnett said the province -> learned of the fee only on Wednesday when he exchanged e-mails -> with American Capital of Culture president Xavier Tudela. But unfortunately, he had already committed to a deal with those nice Nigerians who had asked him to help them transfer some funds. I love this. A whole freakin' province getting suckered by a spam scam. "Dear Saskatchewan, if you pay us $500,000 (Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) we will mail you a laminated wallet card saying you are not rubes, you rubes." -> "A lot of this has just become clear in the last little while," -> he said. "Just yesterday is when we really understood that there -> was an expectation from the organization that we now had to buy, -> if I can use those quotes, the designation." No, you "can't" use those "air quotes" because the reporter didn't write them "down" when you "made them" with your "hands" while talking to the reporter on the "phone". On second thought, you can use them. But it'll cost you $500,000. Payable in U.S. dollars. To Spain. Via E-mail. -> Mr. Burnett said there was no mention of money for promotion -> when the province applied for the honour last year to coincide -> with Saskatchewan's centennial in 2005. The province is seeking -> a refund of the $3,000 application fee it paid. Dee dee dee dee deedle dee dee deet deet dee dee deedle dee-deet-deet DUH!!!!! -> By doing an about face, Saskatchewan joins a couple of North -> American cities in turning down the designation. -> -> Several years ago, Toronto declined an invitation to apply for -> the title after it discovered the group wanted $425,000 up front. The $75,000 discount was because Toronto was discovered to actually contain traces of culture. Of course, that was mitigated by it also containing the Hockey Hall Of Fame, but still, at least Toronto has a subway. Does Saskatchewan even have any cities in it? I think Saskatchewan's only contribution to culture was that it was mentioned in a song in "The Muppet Movie" -- a sarcastic mention in passing by a wad of felt doesn't quite make Saskatchewan more important than, say, Flint, Michigan. -> Austin, Tex., had a similar experience: It was selected to be -> the American Capital of Culture for 2004 but backed out, citing -> concerns over expenses. I'll wager the good people over in Arlen will apply for the honor. -> A news release from the organization stated that Mr. Tudela -> planned to travel to Regina in the coming weeks to meet with -> Premier Lorne Calvert and sign a formal agreement. -> -> The Opposition Saskatchewan Party wants to know how the process -> got as far as it did. -> -> "The city of Toronto didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. The city of Austin didn't think there was any benefit for -> them. It smells stinky and we shouldn't be touching it with a -> 10-foot pole, as far as I'm concerned," culture critic Jason -> Dearborn said. This is one of the fundamental differences between the United States and Canada. In the U.S., heated political debate consists of people screaming "DIE FAGS DIE!!! BURN IN HELL!!!" with clouds of red spittle coming up from the bottoms of their lungs, while in Canada, it consists of a "culture critic" using the phrase "it smells stinky" in a sentence. -> Mr. Dearborn brandished a copy of a 2001 Colombian newspaper -> article about the organization's activities in South America -> with the headline: Escandolo en Colombia -- Spanish for "Scandal -> in Colombia." Colombia's half the capital of America, if spelling doesn't count and there's some other country named "Districtof". (I think the IMF once sent Martin Landau and Barbara Bain to infiltrate it and steal their weather machine.) -> He said the issue is about using due diligence and keeping a -> tight rein on tax dollars. -> -> "Are we going to be thankful that the Minister of Finance isn't -> floating Saskatchewan bonds through Nigerian bank accounts, DING DING DING! Give Mr. Dearborn the prize for being the person in Saskatchewan who has a clue! Dear Saskatchewan, I will give you this lovely certificate, suitable for framing, saying "One Person In My Province Has a Clue" absolutely free for only $500,000 (United States Dollars Only.) I accept PayPal, sent to my business name, J873X284B029asdadf@hotmail.com. -> or that the Minister of Health hasn't bumped into any travelling -> medicine show salesmen? This is just ridiculous," Mr. Dearborn said. -> -> Mr. Tudela responded to Saskatchewan's decision to forgo the -> designation in an e-mail to The Canadian Press. -> -> "We do not understand the situation. It's incredible!" he wrote. -> "Thank you for your message, but I do not [respond to] any -> declaration before receiving an official letter of the -> Government of Saskatchewan. Regards, Xavier Tudela." -> -> Santiago, Chile, is the current American Capital of Culture. -> In the past, the designation has gone to Panama City, Maceio in -> Brazil and Merida in Mexico. Let's make a new rule: You can't even _pretend_ to be the American Capital of Culture unless you're a city that people in America might have ever heard of. I'm saying, Schenectady or better. -> Saskatchewan didn't pull out of the program fast enough to avoid -> some international applause. The Irish city of Cork, the -> European Capital of Culture for 2005, has sent a message of -> congratulations to Saskatchewan on being elected the American -> Capital of Culture 2005. Does sarcasm belong in international diplomacy? I agree with Cork in saying, hell yeah! Sock it to them, Cork! Woo, Sask, you got Corked! -> Mr. Calvert and Culture Minister Joan Beatty were not -> immediately available for comment. I'll comment on their behalf for a mere $100,000. In cash. With no hockey players printed on the money. -- K. I apologize to all my friends in Saskatchewan. Please don't sic your pet moose on me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most versitle substance in the universe Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:17:18 -0500 In sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > I think coleslaw is the most varying substance in the universe. > > Sometimes its too creamy... sometimes its not creamy enough. Depending > on where you go you could get really good coleslaw, or really bad > coleslaw. > > The runner up is New England Style Clam Chowder. What about that mysterious substance that forms at the interface between the White Castle patty and the bun? It might be solid, liquid, gaseous, or some sort of Bose-Einstein Congealate, depending on how hard you think about putting it into your mouth. Other substances that vary a lot include cheap takeouts' hot and sour soup, and boogers, although the problem of boogers might be related to the problem of the White Castle goop. Science needs to work on this. Write your congressperson, especially if they're not a scientist. -- K. I love White Castles, but I hate not knowing which state of matter they are. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 15:19:08 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > mother's faux butter flavored spray. We'd run around the house > squirting each other while shouting in bad Fabio accents, "I can't > believe it's not butter... LIGHT!" *squirt* *squirt* *squirt* You know, when the airline records relating to Michael Jackson's in-flight demands surfaced recently (the ones about him always wanting a Coke can filled with white wine) it turned out that one of the only things he's willing to eat is mashed potatoes "with spray-on butter". He actually insists on that stuff. So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. I'm glad you outgrew it and moved on to kinks that are okay and don't make the house smell like the floor of a movie theater. Please tell me you never made the mistake of getting the weird facial surgery that goes with the spray-butter fetish. Around 1991 or so, I saw squirt guns for sale that came with scented fluid -- including liquid butter -- so that kids could spray stinky stuff all over other people and their family's prized possessions. At the time, I declared these to be the worst toys of all time. And I still haven't found any toys with less reason to exist. I've found ones with deadly sharp edges, I've found ones that teach kids they're stupid, I've found ones that fall apart before you get them home, but I've never seen any other toys as likely to get kids punched out (or their parents sued) as squirt guns filled with movie theater butter. -- K. Any my apologies to all celebrities who have made themselves hideously deformed through surgery: Michael Jackson, Jocelyn Wildenstein, and William Shatner in that one "Star Trek" episode where he got the pointy ears. I apologize for mocking the sensible choice you made to redesign your faces to look like bat barf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:47:53 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > It's almost as much fun as when a friend and I would play with her > > > mother's faux butter flavored spray. > > > > So you're more like him than you realize. Both of you have chased > > kids around trying to grease them up with that stuff. > > Kids? We were 25. I think I even posted about it here on ARK at the > time, or soon after. Oh, I wasn't paying much attention to alt.religion.kibology back then, I was busy watching the premiere of "Happy Days". I mean, watching the Watergate hearings. Phew, I almost revealed I wasn't politically savvy back when I was six. > Also, I'd like to apologize profusely for worrying, offending, or > entertaining anyone with last night's round of posts. I seem to have > hit the manic phase of sleep deprivation. Let's just all pretend I > didn't tell anyone about spraying my friends with butter, having sex > with ferns, or talking to a zombie Werner Klemperer. > Again. You can swallow a pint of liquid butter before you get sick. -- K. Can I get Werner Klemperer in fernflower blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A strange new novelty beverage. Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:24:40 -0500 I saw something odd on sale at Stop & Shop, and I didn't recall having seen it mentioned here before, so I bought a bottle for you people. It's a new(ish) novelty beverage which is sufficiently weird that it's almost to the level of an everyday Taiwanese beverage. Weird-looking bottle, weird flavor, and weird merchandising tie-in. Powerade is Coca-Cola's clone of Gatorade (with a slightly more metallic price.) In Canada, Powerade is everywhere (and is the official sports drink of the NHL) but in the U.S., Gatorade is dominant (which is fine by me, because I like Gatorade, even on days when I'm not dominant.) The hot new flavor of Powerade ("new" being a relative term because it's a tie-in for a movie which already flopped) is: The Matrix Reloaded Powerade. What flavor is it? The Matrix Reloaded flavor. Now re-issued with a little sticker that says "OWN IT ON DVD 10.03" to explain why they're still trying to sell it even though the sequel after that already came and went on the big screen. Looking at the back of the bottle (which is shaped like it should be full of detergent) reveals "natural black cherry, lime, and anise flavors." Oh, great. It's candy-plus-freakin'-licorice flavor. This is going to taste horrid. Opening the bottle... Hmm. Doesn't seem to have any flavor. I can taste some sugar, but it doesn't even have the nasty chemical taste of regular Powerade, so maybe they left out the special chemicals that make Powerade the official sports drink of Canadians who like to break necks. There is a faint hint of some sort of fruit punch flavor, not enough for me to be able to identify the flavor, just enough to let me know that if I could taste this it would taste bad. Uh oh, the aftertaste just crept up on me. Okay, it's super-weak fruit punch flavor with a nasty licorice aftertaste. Also it looks like after-shave except in a detergent bottle. My verdict: This tastes worse than Keanu Reeve's hair gel tastes after a long sweaty slow-motion fight scene. Or so I would assume. I think I can safely assume that this green stuff tastes worse than imaginary stinky scalp sweat. You have to admire the ingenuity of the Coca-Cola corporation in inventing a beverage which tastes repulsive even though I can barely tell it has a flavor at all. In short, ecch. -- K. And I didn't see the movie, either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Junk food in the news Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 23:42:58 -0500 [from www.twincities.com] -> -> MINNESOTA: State wants buying limits on food stamps -> -> BY PATRICK HOWE -> Associated Press -> -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called -> junk foods. But... candy bars and soda are two of the four food groups in Minnesota! How will people survive on nothing but lutefisk and lefse? -> If the U.S. Agriculture Department approves the plan, -> Minnesota's welfare program would be the first in the nation to -> impose its own restrictions on the food recipients buy with -> their benefits. Let me guess, they think welfare recipients should only be allowed to buy those dented cans of stuff nobody else wanted before it got dented. This means lots of creamed corn that's turned brown. And lutefisk that's hardened like plaster. -> The change wouldn't take effect for at least a year. It would -> have to pass the Legislature, where some anti-poverty activists -> oppose it as a mean-spirited intrusion into the cupboards of the -> poor. I wish I could afford a cupboard, let alone one big enough to have a mean-spirited intrusion. -> In a letter sent Monday, the Human Services Department described -> the effort as part of a broader statewide effort to improve -> eating habits. -> -> "It is inconsistent to encourage healthy nutrition and -> simultaneously allow the purchase of candy and soft drinks with -> food stamps," Assistant Commissioner Maria Gomez wrote in the -> letter. Then she left the room for a bathroom break, and enjoyed using the three seashells. -> The proposal seeks to skirt the task of deciding which foods are -> healthy and which aren't by sticking to a definition already in -> state tax law. -> -> Minnesota does not tax most store-bought foods but it does tax -> candies and soda. The proposal would extend those definitions to -> what would be allowed under the food stamp program. -> -> Even those definitions get tricky. Watch out! The definition is behind you! -> The state, for example, taxes Hershey's bars but not Kit Kat -> bars -- because anything made with flour isn't considered a -> candy. It taxes coffee drinks that are sweetened but not those -> that contain milk. It taxes gum but not licorice. It taxes -> marshmallows but not ice cream bars. It taxes beer nuts but not -> regular nuts. It taxes Gatorade but not near beer. It taxes -> juices that are less than half real juice but not those that are -> more. MY BRAIN HURTS! AND I'M HUNGRY! -> When Pawlenty first announced the idea as part of a -> welfare-reform effort, he acknowledged it would be tricky to -> define which foods are "junk." When pressed for an example, he -> said then he expected potato chips would be banned. -> -> Chips, though, wouldn't be banned under the state plan. What about broken ones with toxic green edges? I'd ban those. Any potato chip maker that sells me a bag with one of those should be shot. -> Last year, Human Services Commissioner Kevin Goodno said the -> idea came from listening to complaints that people in the -> grocery check-out lines were buying pricey snacks with their -> food support debit cards. I have a better idea, which comes from the mental image of well-off jerks being forced to wear ball gags. -> In an interview Thursday, Gomez took a different tack, -> describing the idea as part of a larger public health battle -> against obesity. -> -> "I really would be very concerned about using this as some kind -> of a putdown for the poor," she said, noting that the state -> departments of Health and Education also are working on -> nutrition plans. -> -> Colleen Moriarty, executive director of Hunger Solutions, which -> represents Minnesota food banks, said it would be better to try -> to educate food stamp recipients about nutrition. Why not just make the glue on the back of the stamps more nutritious so that people can just lick them instead of spending them? -> Lawrence Rudman, spokesman for the USDA regional office in -> Chicago, said no other states have asked for a similar waiver. -> Minnesota would be the first. -> -> Recipients of food stamps cannot use them to buy paper products, -> household supplies, liquor or tobacco products, or hot foods, -> such as rotisserie chickens. Wait... I'm confused. So I can't use food stamps to buy White Castles unless they're cold and aren't the kind that don't contain flour when it's dark on Tuesday, in which case the player to the dealer's left can't bring tweezers onto the plane unless they can transform into a toy robot which can't be carbonated in which case Double Secret Probation will be called in a Boomerang Zone causing the Earth to spin the wrong way which makes time go backwards repealing all laws and cancelling out all the conclusions I just drew, but does this mean I can or can't put chocolate fudge on my White Castles? -- K. They're good with raspberry jam, so I bet they'd be really good with raspberry fudge or chocolate jam. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 14:34:38 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> More than a year after Gov. Tim Pawlenty first proposed the > > > -> idea, the state is asking federal permission to ban people from > > > -> using food stamps to buy candy bars, soda and other so-called > > > -> junk foods. > > > > Oh for the love of Christ. [...] Do people really have nothing > > better to do than to take comfort foods away from poor people? Well, sometimes they stop to take candy away from babies. Then they give it back. Then they take it away again. > > You know, if you're on food stamps, my guess is a pint of > > Ben & Jerry's is a real fukken treat. > > And it's worse than that, because soft drinks are cheaper than milk, > juice and other healthier beverages. Unless you go to Trader Joe's, where everything is $2.99. Incidentally, at my local supermarkets, such as the Stop & Shop around the corner, everything is horribly expensive these days. $2.19 for a can of chili. $4.59 for a box of six White Castles. Swanson's TV dinners cover the $2.99 to $5.99 (yes, $5.99) range. Don't even ask about Cheerios. Food prices have exploded recently, especially in big cities. And I live in a _poor_ neighborhood in a big city. (Mission Hill is _not_ the most affluent part of Boston.) > > No, that's only for people who make an honest living! Then we'll make > > fun of you because you're fat. Poor and fat, that's too many things to > > make fun of. Can't have that. > > I seem to recall anecdotes or news stories about how people discovered > that elderly folk who had little money were buying pet food and eating > that instead. THIS WAS HORRIBLE! SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. SO the price > of canned pet food was raised to discourage its purchase as food for > humans. I know, it's a lot cheaper just to buy canned hash and tell the person you're feeding them dog food. > I'm actually surprised, though. It's my experience that the USA makes it > frighteningly easy for the poor to have horrendous diets. That's what's good about the United States! We live in a country which makes it easy to eat whatever the fuck you want! > > Anyone else notice that the "you suck because you're fat" news > > articles are almost daily now? What with being a hippy Commie pinko > > lardass, I read these articles, and am usually amused at the complete > > lack of facts in them. Almost all of the articles have some low-level > > government lackey quoted as saying, "Fat causes depletion of the ozone > > layer". > > I heard that being fat promotes terrorism and masturbation, and that fat > people are responsible for the impending collapse of the global oil > supply, because they use so much more gas to drive around. > > Mind you, I'm all for having healthier options for eating, but not by > telling people "YOU ARE THE DEVIL BECAUSE YOUR BMI IS OVER > 25%!!!111!!!bangbangoneoneonebang" and hoping people will say "well, > shucks, I am the devil. I guess I'd better turn vegan and wear white > linen at all times." It's nearly impossible to be vegan in the U.S. All "vegetarian" restaurant items and convenience foods are loaded with cheese. The only way to be truly vegan is to either eat only at vegan- approved restaurants (things with "mung" and "bean" in their name) or cook your own food. And nobody wants to cook -- I predict that within five years, the average house won't even come equipped with a kitchen, just a little microwave set into the side of the home entertainment center styled to look like something from "Star Trek" (the show that taught us all to be happy with meals consisting of a tray with an empty Styrofoam cup and random cubes of green and orange kitchen sponges.) > > I guess they figure fat people aren't exactly going to rise up and > > revolt. > > The problem with many government officials is that they think the best > way to change things is by forcing them to change, not by trying to work > with people. This is perhaps because people are abstract things to them, > defined in textbooks and academic studies. But I _am_ an abstract thing. At least when I'm dressed certain ways. > It's similar to the phenomenon of MBAs and second lieutenants. Why, was there some police charity basketball game I should know about? -- K. I'm an abstract thing, and proud of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:22:43 -0500 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > I'm not implying anything, of course, but I am reminded of a TV show > I once watched. It was about food for poor people and one of the many > hints they gave was that you should make your own spaghetti because > it was /very cheap/ to do so. So they prepared the /very cheap/ dough > and then hauled this $100 pasta machine out of the cupboard. > Then I turned the TV off. Yeah! Really poor people don't have a $100 pasta machine. They either settle for the $95 model that can't do the zigzag edges when it makes hexagonal fennel-gorgonzola-pheasant ravioli, or else they just make spaghetti by mashing the dough through their screen door a few times. You know what I'd like to do at a party sometime? Serve an entire dinner made with a Play-Doh Fun Factory. There could be a spaghetti course made with a Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop, too. Hey, _some_ people make creme brulee using a blowtorch instead of a real toaster oven. (The little frozen creme brulees from Trader Joe's come in nice little ashtrays that look like they were made by fourth-graders. Note that I was careful not to put any accent marks on "creme brulee" because I didn't feel like it.) -- K. I bet blowtorch bacon would be the best thing ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 01:54:30 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Like Nick B once said, if someone has $5.00 and wants to eat out, they > > will go get a Whopper meal and biggie size it, knowing they're getting a > > huge amount of food for $3.99, plus the fun of being able to eat out. > > When I was poor the local cheap pizza place and Pizza Hut were my main > > sources of food. $2.00 for 2 burgers and 2 fries, or $3.99 for a bag of > > lettuce? No brainer. > > I know I'm going to get slammed for this, But that's what you do best! Remember those old fire-safey commercials where Dick Van Dyke yelled "I'M A DOOR! FEEL ME! I'M HOT!"? Well, get slammed some more and I'll tell you whether you're hot. > but you're comparing apples and oranges, or in this case Whoppers > and lettuce. Yeah, you should only compare Whoppers to wilted, grayish lettuce with a tiny meat patty underneath. Also, last I checked, Whoppers were less than $3.99. You can get a whole milk carton of hundreds of them at K-Mart for two bucks. > You're also confusing convenience with nutrition, or frugalitry, > or something. > > There's this stuff out there, called raw or minimally processed food. > You buy it, and cook it. often mixing it without other raw or > minimally processed food. TV dinners, Swanson's Meal-in-a-Bag, Quick > Fixin's, and all that other Crap on a Stick is just another way to > separate you from you money while making you feel bad about your end > of the deal. Are you saying I should make my own White Castles? Tell you what, give me one of the giant machines that poots them out, and I will start making my own, otherwise, lemme feel good about buying White Castles like a good American citizen should, you freakin' Commie hippie. > How much does a big bag o' rice cost? Spaghetti? Potatoes? Chuck > roast? Tuna (as in tuna salad)? They got no farmer's markets where you > live, where you can buy fruit and vegetables for 10 cents a pound? Have you ever been to Boston? A box of dry spaghetti is something like fifty-eight bucks. And yes, I _am_ a good shopper. For instance, just today I got a free flogger for buying two other floggers. Now I have one for each hand plus a spare in case one wears out! They like me at that store, and not just because the owner and I have been trading hair-dye stories. (She has beautiful maroon hair with a black edge, and I have a sort of candied-yam orange shimmer over brown.) > Cook, don't re-heat. But all matter was already heated at least once, either during the Big Bang or the formation of the Earth. Are you implying that it is somehow unnatural to heat my food in the microwave oven as many times as I want before I eat it? (Hey, the clock on the microwave goes up to 99:99 for a reason.) > This is a global rant, Stacia, not directed at you. Keep in mind, > though, that you're talking to a guy who once ate 90 pounds of > antelope one winter, while living in a farmhouse that I was renting > for $75 a month, and even at that I couldn't keep current on the rent > (1978 dollars). How can we respect your views on Thoreau-with-a-gun-style survivalism when you don't even know how to escape from handcuffs? -- K. I bet you didn't even strangle the antelope like a real man, with your bare hands! I bet you strangled it with a gun! Or some sort of neck-seeking strangling laser satellite! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Junk food in the news Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:08:54 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, sometimes they stop to take candy away from babies. > > Then they give it back. Then they take it away again. > > This teaches the babies valuable lessons about the workplace. I think the average workplace is more like "Remember that free soda you used to get during the dot-com bubble? We're taking it away FOREVER! Also one of the lighting fixtures in your office, and your box of Kleenex." > > Incidentally, at my local supermarkets, such as the Stop & Shop > > around the corner, everything is horribly expensive these days. > > $2.19 for a can of chili. $4.59 for a box of six White Castles. > > Swanson's TV dinners cover the $2.99 to $5.99 (yes, $5.99) range. > > Don't even ask about Cheerios. Food prices have exploded recently, > > especially in big cities. And I live in a _poor_ neighborhood in a > > big city. (Mission Hill is _not_ the most affluent part of Boston.) > > That's because food is a luxury item. Those who can't afford it need to > get used to it and start eating topsoil and duff, which has all kinds of > nutrients. After all, *plants* live on it just fine. Boston has been stripped of topsoil and paved over completely. I'm not sure what lowercase duff is, probably because I don't live in one of the Irish parts of town. I did go to the Target next to the South Bay Stop & Shop yesterday and was amazed that the stuff in their food section was on average 25% cheaper than at the Stop & Shop. Betty Crocker boxed meals that would normally be $4.99 were $3.99. Campbell's Chunky Soup, normally $2.19 to $2.59, was $1.79. The only downside is that Target has trained everyone to refer to "customers" as "guests" and I don't like being a guest in someone's store because it means I have to behave. > > That's what's good about the United States! We live in a country > > which makes it easy to eat whatever the fuck you want! > > Oh, I can't argue. I eat my share of unhealthy food, I'm just saying > that America is good at taking food, churning it through a grinder, and > making it into something that only looks and tastes appetizing, but is > really the cause of all cancer. Real American food looks OR tastes appetizing, but never both. For instance, White Castles. If you want your food to be pretty AND delicious, go back to Japan, you hippie. > > It's nearly impossible to be vegan in the U.S. All "vegetarian" > > restaurant items and convenience foods are loaded with cheese. > > The only way to be truly vegan is to either eat only at vegan- > > approved restaurants (things with "mung" and "bean" in their name) > > or cook your own food. And nobody wants to cook -- I predict that > > within five years, the average house won't even come equipped with > > a kitchen, just a little microwave set into the side of the home > > entertainment center styled to look like something from "Star Trek" > > (the show that taught us all to be happy with meals consisting of > > a tray with an empty Styrofoam cup and random cubes of green and > > orange kitchen sponges.) > > That is a horrible image of the future. I don't know what I'd do without > a stove. > > That said, I know a guy who came up with a recipe for those colored > cubes. I'll bug him about it. Mmm, nerdy nerfloaf. > > [...] I'm an abstract thing, and proud of it. > > Pride is an abstraction invented to make lions feel more numerous. Are > you a LION? Wanna come over here and rub my orange mane while I purr? -- K. Yeah, my hair is bright orange now. I'M A CONANHEAD! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Warning to cat owners. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 00:22:37 -0500 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Bewarned Gold Bond medicated creme is kitty crack. I suppose that sooner or later someone had to find a use for it. Also, now we know you're elderly. So, how do you feel about Bromo-Seltzer and Rich Chocolate Ovaltine? > I dabbed some on a small rash like spot that turned up on my belly > today and the damn GiftCat tried to eat my shirt with me still wearing it. > She then attempted do a headstand on my belly, I have no idea what that > was about. It either makes her incredibly horny or it smells like > something that needs to be killed, not sure which, maybe both. It means you bought a tube of cod liver lard, gramps. > On the bright side I think maybe a dab or two on the scratching post might > finally get her to attack it, instead of the furniture. This theory has not > been tested yet. You could try smearing everything in the house except you with it. Or better yet, just tie a stick to the cat's collar so that a sprig of catnip is perpetually six inches in front of the cat, then watch the cat go catnuts. I like cats, but thank you for reminding me why I don't have a cat. -- K. I have two dogs in the oven. It's okay, they're kosher. I also paid a lot for a big kosher cervelat. Why does cervelat cost so much? It's just pepperoni with a nicer flavor and less pork! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:26:40 -0500 [from www.wlox.com] -> -> Sheriff accused of having handcuffs removed from boy with torch -> -> Lincoln, Nebraska-AP -- A rural Nebraska sheriff is being sued -> for having a pair of handcuffs removed from a student, with a torch. -> -> The student had been handcuffed by Sheriff Larry Donner -- who -> had been invited to speak at a Burwell High School. -> -> The lawsuit claims the handcuff key broke and sheriff had a -> welding shop remove the cuffs with a torch. Those keys do that, especially on the cheap five-dollar handcuffs they sell in the toy department of every supermarket in the world. This is why they always give you two keys (whether you're buying real or toy handcuffs.) Also, most real cuffs take the same keys (after all, the officer who locks them on might not be the same officer who takes them off) so finding a spare handcuff key should be pretty simple unless you're in some podunk town where the only law enforcement is one guy with one key who threw away his spare key and has some sort of brain damage that makes him think an acetylene torch is better for use on metal next to skin compared to, say, a hacksaw. -> The lawsuit claims the torch caused third-degree burns to Seth -> Barrett's wrist, which later required surgery. ...which, hopefully, was not performed by the only doctor in town, with a Weed-Whacker. -> An attorney for the boy's parents says the theme of the lawsuit -> is, 'What were you thinking?' I'd so love to be that lawyer. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, WHAT THE FUCK? I rest my case." -> It seeks damages from the sheriff, the school and its welding shop. What about the handcuff company for equipping those cuffs with the shoddy, fragile key when the sheriff bought them at the supermarket? -> Copyright 2004 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ooh, I'm scared. Go ahead and put the cuffs on me. _I_ have eight keys (not counting the ones I've broken) and a Dremel tool for emergencies. (Also sometimes I can get out of cuffs without needing any tools, but you're not supposed to know that.) Oh that happy note, I was going to sign off, but then I found a more detailed account: [from officer.com] => => Nebraska Sheriff Sued Over Handcuff Incident => => KEVIN O'HANLON => Associated Press => => LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) -- A rural Nebraska sheriff who spoke to a => high school class handcuffed a student and broke the key, then => had a welding shop remove the cuffs with a torch, severely => burning the 17-year-old, the student's parents claim. => => The torch caused third-degree burns to Seth Barrett's wrist, => which later required surgery, Barrett's parents said in a => lawsuit filed this week in U.S. District Court. => => "The theme of this lawsuit is `What were you thinking?"' said => Maren Chaloupka, attorney for Barrett's father, Elmer Barrett. => => According to the lawsuit, Garfield County Sheriff Larry Donner => was invited to speak to a Burwell High School class by his wife, => who is a teacher, on May 13, 2002. Let me guess. She also has funny burns on her arms too? => After his talk, Donner allowed some of the students to play with => his handcuffs and Donner "handcuffed Seth as part of that => horseplay," according to the lawsuit. And here we see right where the dividing line is between "horseplay" and "pony play". I will wager a riding crop was involved a few dozen times. => After breaking off the key while trying to remove the handcuffs, => the suit alleges Donner took Barrett to a welding shop and had => the cuffs removed with a plasma cutter -- an arc welder used to => cut metal. Yep, welding and cutting are the same thing. Especially when they're on your wrist. => Donner then took Barrett to a local medical clinic, where he => authorized treatment and the administration of a prescription => drug for the burns, according to the lawsuit. Barrett's parents => did not learn of the incident until Donner brought the boy home => later that day, the lawsuit said. So what's the kid complaining about? He got a free ride in a cop car! I'm sure his hands will grow back someday. => The lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, accuses the => central Nebraska county, the school and the welding shop of => failing to protect the boy. It accuses Donner, his wife and the => welding shop of interfering with the Barretts' parental rights => by making decisions for their son's health and welfare. Hell yeah on all of those. If nothing else, the welding shop's teacher/foreman/overseer/goon/whatever should be fired for not telling Sheriff Lobo that you don't melt metal that's touching skin. I mean, part of cutting metal involves heating it past red-hot, yellow-hot, white-hot, etc. And I think scientists have recently discovered that when you get part of a piece metal hot, the rest of the metal gets kind of warm too. And think about this: After charring one of the kid's wrists to a crisp, nobody thought of switching to a hacksaw for the other wrist. I imagine the kid screaming "PLEASE TRY THE HACKSAW!" and the sheriff yelling "SHUT UP, KID, OR I'LL WELD YOUR BRACES TOGETHER!" I know the kid would suggest that because most 17-year-olds are smarter than most Nebraska sheriffs. => Bill Wright, the attorney for the school, and Vince Valentino, => who represents Garfield County, declined comment. Dan Placzek, => the lawyer for the welding shop, Stalker Machine Inc., did not => return a call seeking comment. It was not immediately known => who was representing the Donners. But hopefully the sheriff will be punished by Spanker Machine, Inc. -- K. So what brand of handcuffs WERE these, and how did the sheriff lose the spare key? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 21:30:00 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So what brand of handcuffs > > WERE these, and how did the > > sheriff lose the spare key? > > He. Broke. The. Key. Off. In. The. Lock. > > The spare key wouldn't do any good. With the key broken in the lock, > what they should have done was weld a thin rod to the remaining part > of the key, then turned it to unlock the handcuffs. That would have > avoided this entire messy affair. > > It's all in the details, people. Uh, Kevin, I am pretty sure I have more experience with broken handcuff keys than you do. You are confusing handcuffs with your house's front door or something else large enough to have tumblers and non-identical keys. A typical handcuff key is a little tube with a tiny tooth at one end, like an old-timey skate key. In fact, they _are_ just old-timey skate keys. The little tooth is the only thing there is to break off. It doesn't jam the lock or anything, because handcuffs are just a sandwich of two pieces of sheet metal with a catch between them, the key's broken tooth just rattles around and falls out. The now- toothless key just slides right out. Here's the most commonly-seen type of cuff key around here: ####### ########### #### #### ## <-- larger than actual size ###### ##################### #### #### ########### ####### You have to understand that these things are designed to be as cheap as possible to make, and they have to be identical (so that officer Y can unlock you if officer X locks you up) so the keys are just miniature skeleton keys. These things wouldn't even have been considered high-tech in the era of "Beowulf". The "lock" is just ratchet, turning the key pushes the clutch away from the ratchet. (The key I drew above is for the relatively fancy "double-locking" cuffs, where the spike on the tail of the key can be poked into a little hole to immobilize the ratchet so that strugling won't accidentally tighten the cuffs further.) These locks aren't hard to pick, given that there are no tumblers or anything. (That was one of many things Houdini didn't tell his audiences -- handcuffs have never had good locks.) Trust me, breaking off a key in a handcuff does not in any way impair using the backup key in the same lock (with the exception of certain unusual types of manacles and so on.) Been there, done that. If you don't believe me, come over here and I'll lock you up, break off one of the keys, and then you'll get to choose whether I should bother trying to use the backup key before you decide to ask me to cut off your hands to get you out. -- K. And that little spike on the tail of the key? That has two purposes. You don't want to know what the second one is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 13:54:36 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Uh, Kevin, I am pretty sure I have more experience with broken handcuff > > keys than you do. > > I'll grant you that. In ALL of my experiences with handcuffs, they > worked all too well. > > Bastards. If you had a set of bastard files, why couldn't you get out? What sort of ineffectual escapologist are you? > > You are confusing handcuffs with your house's front > > door or something else large enough to have tumblers > > and non-identical keys. > > Yeah, I was. There ought to be a word for when someone does that on > purpose on Usenet. It's almost like someone pretending to miss the > obvious point, that point being that welding any part of the handcuff > probably isn't a good idea. Sure it is, if you want to see someone's hands burst into flame, you big shazboza. Sheesh, you're just not cruel and unusual and stupid enough. Now I'll never recommend you for that position as Deputy Sheriff Of Nebraska, The Cultural Capital Of America. > > If you don't believe me, come over here and I'll lock you up, > > break off one of the keys, and then you'll get to choose whether > > I should bother trying to use the backup key before you decide > > to ask me to cut off your hands to get you out. > > I'm not falling for that a second time. I didn't hear any complaining the first time. -- K. The bit about "unusual" punishment in the Constitution was probably suggested by Ben Franklin. Or rather, by something Thomas Jefferson saw while walking past Franklin's open window. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "ouch!" in the news Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 23:24:31 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > These locks aren't hard to pick, given that there are no tumblers > > or anything. (That was one of many things Houdini didn't tell > > his audiences -- handcuffs have never had good locks.) > > I also saw a poster issuing a challenge to Houdini to do his "tank > escape" routine where the tank was filled with beer (the results of this > attempt were are unknown to me.) STOP THE PRESSES! THANKS-BOY SAW A POSTER! AND HE JUST REMEMBERED TO MENTION IT! SIXTY! YEARS! LATER! If memory serves, that trick nearly killed him. He had the water-tank escape down to a science (it was dangerous, but he could do it with ease) but the time the beer company sponsored his show and filled the tank with beer proved to be difficult, as he didn't drink and just couldn't deal with the beer. Houdini is the only other performer to have generated as many legends as Andy Kaufman. And they both liked straitjackets. (Andy's in one on the cover of "Lost In The Funhouse" by Bill Zehme, the only good biography of him.) So why aren't I more famous? > Thanks. And, Tim, this advice is ONLY for you: To learn more about Houdini, read the novel "Believe." (be sure to ask for the one ending with a period) by William Shatner and Michael Tobias. Read it several times. NOBODY ELSE FOLLOW THIS ADVICE!!! -- K. Houdini's milk-jug escape, on the other hand, broke James Randi's ribs, making a William Shatner TV special even funnier. And yet Randi was able to teach the Fonz how to do it without injury in the "Happy Days" episode where they get Randi drunk because he just couldn't deal with vodka. I still can't fold myself up into a box as small as the one I saw Randi in on "That's Incredible!" but I'm going to keep trying. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Kibo. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:37:35 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Who the hell is Kibo? > > Isn't he that guy who used to star in porn videos? Then had his > picture on the box of soap powder until they found out that he was > not, in fact, "Pure As The Driven Snow"? And then he got a part in a > prime-time TV show a few years back, hoping that everyone had > forgotten his porn star days? But it was too late because he had > already published a book about his whole sordid life? > > That Kibo? There's only one. Also, stand way back when opening the book, because it's a pop-up book. Stand at least fifteen inches away. [in another article] Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Isn't he the guy who had all those big hotels? And he was, like, > really mean to people? Until he got arrested? And they made a movie > about that? And everybody hated him, but that was okay, because he got > to be the King of Mean? > > That Kibo? There's still only one. And it wasn't a movie, it was a pop-up book. And I prefer the titles "King Of Terror" and "Abstract Thing". -- K. Or maybe "Blade Ruiner". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Kibo. Date: Sat, 13 Mar 2004 15:41:38 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Who the hell is Kibo? > > Isn't he that guy who moved to Philadelphia with two cents in his > pocket? And couldn't hold down a job? He worked as a printer for > awhile? Then for the post office? And the library? And sold bifocals? > Wasn't he involved with electricity or something? And I think he > signed some legal document complaining about the way his landlord > treated people? And there was some big fuss over that? > > That Kibo? He's dead, man. Yeah, but I was resurrected three days later, because I had taken a whole lot of steroids and Tylenol before they crucified me so I was really just faking it, just like in that Mel Gibson movie where if you look closely, in the background, you can see a bunch of Munchkins taking people down from crosses and strapping them into electric chairs. -- K. Also, in my opinion, Ben Franklin was a pervert even if you don't count that he was "involved with electricity" at least once a night. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 00:05:27 -0500 So today was a nice sunny but cool day, good for going shopping in my leathers. I was getting on the shuttle bus at South Bay Center and this little kid, who looked to be about six years old, began yelling "MACHO MAN! MACHO MAN! MACHO MAN!" I know that all children are required to learn all the Village People songs in Sunday school as part of the Official Gay Agenda To Ram Gayness Down Our Throats Until We Squeal Like A Pig, but this little boy startled me because most little kids don't even know what leather is, let alone what a leather lifestyle is. He must have been the gayest kindergartner ever. I bet he doesn't like "Sesame Street" because Bert & Ernie are too straight. I bet he doesn't like Barney because he's not fuchsia enough. And I bet when he saw "Finding Nemo" he clapped his hands over his ears and yelled "LALALALA" whenever the Ellen deGeneres fish wasn't talking. GAYEST KINDERGARTNER EVER! Items I bought today included three new colors of Manic Panic hair dye (Tiger Lily, which is light orange; Infra Red, which is dark red; and Shocking Blue, which is deep ultramarine. I already have a jar of Electric Lava, which is fluorescent orange.) I'm currently deciding what to do with my four colors of wacky hair dye. I'm thinking of bleaching my entire head (except for the eyeballs) and doing everything in Tiger Lily except for the frontmost part of my beard, which will be in Infra Red. But any alternative suggestions on how to utilize the light orange, bright orange, dark red, and deep blue dyes are welcome. I also bought a black T-shirt with a happy Michelin Man on it. The hot chick who ironed him onto the shirt for me had piercings, a leather collar, a key on a tight chain around her neck, leather wrist cuffs, a leather belt with three rows of pyramid studs, a second leather belt with D-rings and O-rings just like the one I was wearing except with bigger noisier hardware, a mini-skirt, and a pair of really hot tightly-laced high heel boots. And she did a really fastidious job applying the applique' to my shirt. (I watched her putting lettering on someone else's, by arranging a dozen little letters along an arc -- she displayed amazing precision with the spacing and alignment, and you may know I have _really_ high standards for spacing letters!) I figured she was probably already attached to someone, but what the hey, even though I was standing there in my leatherman outfit I figured it was worth trying to hit on her anyway to see if she could turn me straight for an evening. (You should've seen her working the heat-transfer machine, which required her to heave her entire body weight against a pair of handlebars just like those on a motorcycle, except with steam spurting out from the machine. At least, I think the steam was coming from the machine and not from me.) But I'm not good at such things, so my attempts consisted of (a) complimenting her on her letter-spacing abilities, and (b) holding up the Michelin Man shirt and saying "I think this is the perfect shirt for me. He's into rubber and he speaks Latin. That's me, baby!" Except I wasn't brave enough to say "baby!" Maybe if I had been, the kinky chick wouldn't have just giggled nervously and immediately started trying to help the next customer. Sigh. I struck out ineptly and then felt I had to tell all you people about it -- I guess that makes me Wil Wheaton. -- K. Well, gotta go bleach the hell out of my hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 23:54:13 -0500 Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I also bought a black T-shirt with a happy Michelin Man on it. > > The hot chick who ironed him onto the shirt for me had piercings, > > a leather collar, a key on a tight chain around her neck, leather > > wrist cuffs, a leather belt with three rows of pyramid studs, a > > second leather belt with D-rings and O-rings just like the one I > > was wearing except with bigger noisier hardware, a mini-skirt, > > and a pair of really hot tightly-laced high heel boots. > > I did not know that you once worked for Morton Thiokol, Unka Kibo! You > should know better than to even *contemplate* flirting an ex-cow-orker. Are you saying hot kinky chicks work with rocket scientists? Are you saying that those rubber O-rings for the Space Shuttle are tested under very interesting strenuous conditions to make sure they're indesctructible and inescapable? Are you saying that when Thiokol furnished the LandRam to "Battlestar Galactica" for a mention in the closing credits, they were then disappointed to find out it was being used on a show where the heroes wore suede outfits and not real leather -- worse yet, in brown? Where do I send my resume? I have eight or nine degrees in rocket science, although I think this company would be more interested in finding out what positions I can handle (I'm up for ankle suspension if they are.) -- K. You will now tell me more. SPEAK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 00:49:55 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you saying hot kinky chicks work with rocket scientists? > > Rocket science needs more hot kinky chicks. Are you saying other professions don't? And are you saying rocket science doesn't need any hot kinky men? If so, then I won't be marching in _your_ parade this week either. > > Where do I send my resume? I have eight or nine degrees in > > rocket science, although I think this company would be more > > interested in finding out what positions I can handle (I'm up > > for ankle suspension if they are.) > > I'll give you a hint when you're interviewing for your job working with the > SRBs. During the quiz when they ask you why the SRBs are manufactured the > width that they are you are not to, I REPEAT NOT, tell them the story from > that urban legend. What urban legend? Is there something kinky you're not telling me? WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > Of course with you being an ancient Roman and all maybe > it would be appropriate for you to tell them that. Your call. I'm not an ancient Roman! I just maintain that a bunch of people dressing like Romans are trying to make me think there isn't a conspiracy by ancient Romans to get me. Also, I am a Space Viking. -- K. And I used to only be kidding when I said that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 14:03:49 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I watched her putting lettering on someone else's, by arranging a > > dozen little letters along an arc -- she displayed amazing precision > > with the spacing and alignment, and you may know I have _really_ > > high standards for spacing letters!) > > He must be in lurve. Didn't mention the typeface. Yeah, it was some generic faux Olde English thing, I really didn't look at it closely. How could I? There was a really kinky gal touching it? Anyway, I am in love, but not with her. This was just lust. > > [...] Except I wasn't brave enough to say "baby!" > > Maybe if I had been, the kinky chick wouldn't have just giggled > > nervously and immediately started trying to help the next customer. > > Sigh. I struck out ineptly and then felt I had to tell all you > > people about it -- I guess that makes me Wil Wheaton. > > You misspelled "Nick Bensema". Don't sweat it, though. Getting them > giggling nervously is always a good sign. It's screaming obscenities > you want to avoid... well, at least, screaming obscenities at you, as > opposed to past your shoulder. The next day I had another pleasant chat with a kinky lady. She complimented me on my hair dye, and then I complimented her on hers, then we swapped Manic Panic horror stories, and then she gave me a free flogger when I bought two larger ones. It's kind of depressing to realize you're one of the best customers of the pervert store. ("Hey, Kibo, the pervert store called, they're running out of YOU!") -- K. True love is different from lust. Lust doesn't hurt when it's unfulfilled. Love hurts me more than any flogger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2004 14:32:21 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But I'm not good at such things, so my attempts consisted of > > (a) complimenting her on her letter-spacing abilities, and > > (b) holding up the Michelin Man shirt and saying "I think this > > is the perfect shirt for me. He's into rubber and he speaks Latin. > > That's me, baby!" Except I wasn't brave enough to say "baby!" > > Maybe if I had been, the kinky chick wouldn't have just giggled > > nervously and immediately started trying to help the next customer. > > Sigh. I struck out ineptly and then felt I had to tell all you > > people about it [...] > > This I don't understand. You didn't strike out. You didn't even get > into the batter's box. > > What was she supposed to do? Giggle, then applique her phone number > onto your shirt? Next time, try actually saying something along the > lines of "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee or something?" > > Then come back here and tell us how you struck out. See, she was clearly made uncomfortable and pushed the Emergency Abort button after my playful warm-up line which was supposed to make her willing to listen to me long enough for me to choose a good line from among, "So, what sort of shirt should I take off when I come 'round to your place? Also, I lost my phone number, can I have yours forever? Want to go out in the woods and listen for the sounds of baby rabbits dying?" or something better than those. If she had giggled and raised her eyebrows and said "OH... REALLY?" when I compared myself to the multitalented Bibendum, then I could've gone on to Phase Two, but I got the distinct signal that I shouldn't try to go past Phase One because the deflector shields were on full and if I pressed my luck she'd spend the next half hour carefully lettering "I'M NOT INTERESTED, YOU ASS" on my shirt. I did get an "OH... REALLY?" recently, but it was the _other_ kind of "OH... REALLY?", the "You just broke my brain and now I don't like my job any more" type. -- K. I'm still waiting for a "HOLY SHIT!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One is back Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 01:03:08 -0500 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Speaking of food, there's a really good eatery on campus that serves > chicken pot pies. They're a popular lunch hangout. And to appeal to the > Muslim members of the student body, you can get a pot pie where the chicken > is halal. You just have to make sure you ask for your pie in Allah-mode. Yeah, well, I've got one for you. What's long and crusty and full of chicken salad? ... A submarine sandwich, YOU FAG! No, wait, I didn't tell that right, except for the "YOU FAG!" part. That's the part that was supposed to make it funny! That reminds me of another joke. These two Jews are walking down the street and they see a church with a sign saying "Learn about what makes Catholicism so great, and we'll pay you $10." So one goes in, and when he comes out the other one asks what happened. "It wasn't bad. I ate a communion wafer, and sang some hymns, and then the priest told me a joke." "Was it funny?" "What _is_ it with you people and funny?" No, wait, that wasn't the right ending to that one either. Okay, let me try a never-fail classic. This one's an ethnic joke too, but this time the ethnic group's just puppets so it's okay. Ernie says, "I one the sandbox!" Bert says, "I two the sandbox! Ernie says, "I three the sandbox!" They continue in this fashion until Big Bird takes the little sandbox shovel and whacks them over the head with it repeatedly. Then Big Bird says, "I infinity the sandbox!" And then a cartoon of an LSD-filled pinball machine counts up to infinity. No, wait, I don't get it. -- K. I dare any comedy club owner to give me a three- minute set to see if I can make anyone in the audience explode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One is back Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 01:08:06 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dare any comedy > > club owner to give > > me a three- > > minute set to see > > if I can make > > anyone in > > the audience > > explode. > > Didn't you try standup once, or was that just a misquote in an interview > I read somewhere? STOP FUCKING UP MY FORMATTING OR I'M GONNA SEW EVERY PART OF YOUR SKIN TO EVERY OTHER PART AND ROLL YOU DOWN A HILL INTO A LAGOON OF BOILING HOT CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF CELERY SOUP, YOU DINKWAD! -- K! And ohhhhh I daaaaare you to wreck up the formatting of THIS sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Which is scarier? Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 02:08:27 -0500 Which is scarier? a) A clown chasing you down the street with a tiny square of white fabric in one hand and a staple gun in the other, yelling, "I WILL DIAPER YOU!" b) An adult dressed as a baby chasing you down the street with a paintbrush in one hand and a staple gun in the other, yelling, "I WILL PUT CLOWN MAKEUP ON YOU!" c) A staple gun that can call you on the phone at 3am. I just wanted to make everyone think about these three options right before bed. Good night! -- K. Don't let the bedbugs staple! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which is scarier? Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:10:13 -0500 ".rS anavI" (curica_ultras@spammers.feel.free.to.fuck.off.hi.htnet.hr) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which is scarier? > > Hm... > A group of skinheads chasing you down the street with a bucket full of tar, > a feather pillow, raisins and scissors, yelling: "ZIVIJOOOOOOOOOO!" > > Awful. I don't get the raisins. Also I don't know what "ZIVIJOOOOOOOOOO!" means unless that's how they'd pronounce "KIBOOOOOOOOOOO!" crossed with the Roman numeral for how many raisins they're going to stick to me. What's going on here? And how can I join in? -- K. But no matter how kinky this raisin game is, it still won't make me love the California Raisins. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Okay Here You Go... Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 02:01:45 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > In Palermo, it's said that bridegrooms, as part of their pre-wedding > toilette, paint their penises bright purple. In Russia, penis paints you purple! > If the supposedly virginal bride expresses astonishment at the colour > when the member is revealed on their nuptial night, she is immediately > killed. What if she's blind? Does the groom have to glue Rice Krispies all over himself in a Braille pattern spelling out "P-U-R-P-L-E"? > Well of *course* the bastard wiould wait until AFTER the wedding, when > her parents have already paid for everything. Such a charming tradition and/or legend. However, CNN has brought me the story of the world's largest ball of paint. A guy hung a baseball from a string, and for the past 27 years, he's been applying two coats of paint every day (18,000) so that now the ball of paint weighs one thousand three hundred pounds (counting the baseball.) So if you combine these two stories... and "Goldfinger"... you'd have something really special. Also, I hear that the core of the world's biggest Everlasting Gobstopper contains a dead Oompa-Loompa. -- K. Last time I bought an Everlasting Gobstopper, they put the buckle on backwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Okay Here You Go... Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 15:15:42 -0500 E Teflon Piano (ETP@the-institute.firm) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > In Palermo, it's said that bridegrooms, as part of their pre-wedding > > > toilette, paint their penises bright purple. > > > > [...] viagra-induced priapisms are no laughing matter, even if > > it does turn the wanger bright purple, just like a clown's. > > You sure know a lot about clown peanuses. Tom, does a clown's penis taste funny? -- K. Also, you don't want to know why most clowns keep a spare red rubber nose in their trailer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How not to crucify yourself. Date: Tue, 16 Mar 2004 23:20:23 -0500 [from bangordailynews.com] -> -> By Sharon Kiley Mack, Of the NEWS Staff -> Last updated: Tuesday, March 16, 2004 -> -> 'No crime' seen in man nailing himself to cross ...unless it was David Cross! (WATCH OUT, VAUGHN'S GOT A HAMMER! EVERYONE RUN FROM THE ROBOT WITH A HAMMER!) -> HARTLAND - Somerset County Sheriff Barry DeLong said Monday -> that no charges will be filed against a Hartland man who nailed -> himself to a cross last Thursday evening. "There is no crime -> here," said DeLong. Okay. Just a second while I update my lists -- Hartland goes under "good", Attleboro under "bad". And that small town outside Lincoln, Nebraska, under "stay the hell away from Nebraska." Hartland, where your kink is okay (at least if it's a Christian kink.) -> The 23-year-old man apparently was attempting to commit suicide. -> Police said he appeared delusional and told them he had been -> "seeing pictures of God on the computer." I think they printed a photo of "God on the computer" in Wired magazine once. He refused to get naked, though. -> He told them he had not seen the movie "The Passion of the -> Christ," which violently depicts the Crucifixion of Jesus. ...as opposed to an ordinary happy fun crucifixion! ("Yay, they put him on a cross and tickled him until he burst open and candy came out!") -> Somerset County Lt. Pierre Boucher said the man took two pieces -> of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed -> them on his living-room floor. He attached a note saying -> "suicide" to the wood and then proceeded to nail one of his -> hands to the makeshift cross using a 14-penny nail and a hammer. -> -> "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to -> the board, he called 911," said Boucher. When you've started your auto-crucifixion and only after nailing down one hand do you realize you might not be able to nail down the other one, that's when you dial 9-1-1, which stands for D-U-H. -> It was unclear whether the man was seeking assistance for his -> injury or help in nailing his other hand down. What about help setting the cross upright? It's not a millionth as painful if you're lying down! ...or so I've heard. -> Hartland Fire Department members responded, said Boucher, and -> cut off the wood while it was still attached to the man's hand. -> The wood and the victim were taken to Sebasticook Valley -> Hospital, where the nail was removed. -> -> Boucher said he did not know whether the man received further -> treatment. They gave him some pills, but they kept falling through his hand. -> Sgt. Milford Rice and Deputy Michael Knight were the responding -> officers. "Michael! My electrotraumanometer detects Chris Burden nailing himself to my hood!" "KITT, there's no time to dial 9-1-1! We'll have to take him to the hospital by crashing through that brick wall! I hope he can take it!" "Michael, he's a performance artist." "You're right, KITT, floor it!" -- K. For my next trick, I'll nail Claes Oldenburg to "Laverne & Shirley". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How not to crucify yourself. Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 14:48:30 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Somerset County Lt. Pierre Boucher said the man took two pieces > > -> of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed > > -> them on his living-room floor. He attached a note saying > > -> "suicide" to the wood and then proceeded to nail one of his > > -> hands to the makeshift cross using a 14-penny nail and a hammer. > > The man was taken into custody by the Somerset County building > inspector. Local codes require use of 16 penny nails for > crucifictions. That's cruci_fiction_. The _reality_ of crucifixion doesn't follow the building code. If it did, the crucifix would have to have a fire escape, and that would look silly. > > -> "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to > > -> the board, he called 911," said Boucher. > > Another tragedy that could have been averted by carefully reading > UNSENET! As I pointed out years ago [...] this is exactly the sort > of situation Velcro was invented for. Velcro is for babies and for people who want to be able to crucify themselves repeatedly, and really, if you do it more than once, you're obviously not doing it right. No, the way to do a _good_ crucifixion by yourself is to hold mild steel nails in each hand, then hold your fists against the cross with giant electromagnets behind it on a timer that will kick in in a few minutes (perhaps controlled by your TiVo so that you can die the moment the "Jeopardy" music ends) and, zap, ouch, you've been nailed, nailed real good. > > -> It was unclear whether the man was seeking assistance for his > > -> injury or help in nailing his other hand down. > > Anyone who thinks this was a little sick humor from the 911 operator > which the earnest reporter carefully wrote down in her notebook for > inclusion in the story, please raise your hand. Reporters always use the phrase "it was unclear" to introduce their sick little fantasies and embellishments. "Six people were blown to bits today. It was unclear whether or not their eyeballs landed on some kid's marshmallow sundae, possibly YOURS!" > Oh, sorry, I see you can't raise your hand. Well, give a little grunt then. Oink! -- K. How come no performance artist has ever nailed himself to a giant pair of golden arches? He could get a grant from Burger King, home of Our Lord And Whopper! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 01:58:20 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Do you: > > > > a) Bug the person who is doing the workshop about what can be done to > > make it better, or > > b) Assume it's not broke and don't fix it, but add [...] > > That depends. Am I a well-meaning and mostly hands-off administrator > who works for the good of the worker's collective, or am I an evil troll > who likes to micromanage so that if anything good ever happens I can > take credit for it? I ask myself that question every morning, right before getting dressed. Of course, some days the decision is made for me by the weather. Like, today, it was snowing, so I couldn't wear anything made from a cow. > > If you choose a, how stupid is it to decide that the way to fix it is > > to make it more interactive with each individual parent now that there > > are going to be twice as many of them there expecting to get the > > information and get home in the same one hour time frame? > > I think most everyone would agree that if parents just took a minute to > check in with their teachers to find out how their kids are doing the > world would be a better place, so this must be a FLAWLESS PLAN! I'm > sure that nine out of ten evil trolls would agree. But should it be the school's responsibility to tell the parents it's their responsibility to keep an eye on their kids? I say that bringing up children should be NOBODY'S responsibility! Children should roam wild and free, with parents and teachers alike able to lounge around the pool drinking martinis all day. Oh, and also, people shouldn't have to wear those silly polyester frocks from "Logan's Run" but otherwise the stuff about killing everyone at age 21 is fine by me especially because I'm 36 and therefore it's too late to kill me now. -- K. Also, in my world, schools wouldn't have gym glass, they'd have gymkata, so that everyone could have lots of chances to dress up as a ninja holding a single semaphore flag. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 14:56:32 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Of course, some days the decision is made for me by the weather. > > Like, today, it was snowing, so I couldn't wear anything made from a cow. > > This one time I was out driving, and I went past this dairy farm and > there were all these cows out in the field, or pasture, or whatever > that stuff is called, and right then it started snowing, and all the > cows headed for their shed or barn or whatever, but this one cow > wasn't fast enough and some snow landed on her, and she fukken > EXPLODED. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Also, dinner. Dear Jerry Seinfeld, I am Lawrence Tierney, and that was just one of the many reasons suede is bad. I don't know why cows always wear suede. We should do a favor and take if off them right away and then teach them a lesson by tanning their hides. Also, veal Oscar. Mmm. Oscary. -- K. Does this taste grouchy to you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 15:08:31 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Kevin S Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > They are aware that this is a parenting workshop and not a key party, > > > right? > > > > What's a key party? > > I think it's going to be the topic Kibo covers next in his ongoing > attempts at making us imagine him naked. I don't know where you're getting the idea that I like to be undressed as opposed to overdressed (in clothes which require keys.) How on earth is being naked kinky? That's like having a fetish for nothing! And nobody has a fetish for nothing! Nakedness is not sexy. Being nude is just something people do when they post to alt.religion.kibology. Oh, and a key party? That's something which requires an honors sorority and five hundred gallons of oatmeal and a staple puller. It results in the dean doing a slow burn and threatening to expel everyone unless they warm his heart by getting his wife laid, or something, I never can quite follow the plots of those movies. They're too brainy! -- K. Now let's boogie! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 00:56:55 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > What's a key party? > > Key parties were one of those quaint suburban customs from the '60s > and '70s. Married couples would gather at someone's home, have a few > too many cocktails, and at the end of the night the menfolk would toss > their car keys in a bowl. Their wives would reach into said bowl and > pull out a random set of keys, and then the couples would drive that > car home for the night. Hmm. Just in case we ever have one of these on a.r.k, which of my keychains would the members of the appropriate sex be more likely to fight over? The patch of bronze chain mail? The curly blue thing that loops over a ring on my utility belt? The pewter Roman centurion helmet with the crest running side-to-side the way they never do in movies? Or Lego Darth Vader? Also, slave auctions are more fun. I know one club that used to advertise "live slave auctions" weekly, which I guess would be good because nobody wants to buy a dead slave. > At least that's how my mother and father explained it to me when I was > a kid. "Then he taught me about French kissing. Daddy says I do it the best!" (I don't recall precisely how badly I'm misquoting that, but it was just a Chevy Chase movie, so we'll let it slide.) -- K. Gotta go now, I need to attend a private auction. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 15:07:06 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, slave auctions are more fun. I know one club that used to > > advertise "live slave auctions" weekly, which I guess would be good > > because nobody wants to buy a dead slave. > > Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. (Sound of gavel striking wood.) "Your honor, he was already dead when I bought him. But when I looked at the receipt Kibo gave me, it said 'no refunds or exchanges, slaves are sold as-is where-is and are not warranted as suitable for any particular purpose, especially if you're dumb enough to buy a dead one right before the vice squad searches your car's trunk.'" "Hmm. Okay, then, I declare this murder trial null and void! It's party time!" (Everyone boogies and takes turns dancing with the corpse, who is wearing sunglasses to make him look alive.) And it was the most logical "Weekend At Bernie's" sequel ever! -- K. I wish my real life were a tenth as perverted as my imaginary life... ...instead of 90% as perverted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KINKFEST 2004! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 15:47:29 -0500 [Ben Allard dares to make fun of a news article I saw yesterday but thought was too perverted even for a.r.k] Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [from news.yahoo.com] > -> > -> Even though they allow for high-volume servicing and back-in-a-flash > -> trips to the john, the point-and-shoot-a-stinky-deodorizer-cake oddity > -> known as the men's restroom urinal has been, for women, a constant > -> enigma. But nothing will prepare you for the men's room in the > -> newly-designed Virgin Airways Clubhouse in New York's John F. Kennedy > -> airport, terminal 4: Urinals shaped like a woman's mouth, dolled up > -> with red lipstick, wide open and ready for business. > > I uh, I... jesus. Fuck, do you have to feed them five dollar bills to > piss, or can you just pay in rock? An yet they still have the nerve to call it "Virgin Airways" despite that it's obviously not about the virginity or the airways any more. > -> "In anything that we do there has to be a smile, and that's the smile > -> in this Clubhouse," said John Riordan, Vice President of Customer > -> Services for Virgin Airways. > > "BUT I AM NOT A PISS-FREAK!" > > -> The urinals, called Kisses, were designed by Netherlands based company > -> Bathroom Mania. > -> > -> "Kisses - the sexy urinal, makes a daily event a blushing experience! > -> This is one target men will never miss!," said the Bathroom Mania team > -> via e-mail from the Netherlands. > > "BUT VE ARE NOT PISS-FREAKS!" But is sure is yexy to denigrate women by > pissing in their mouths. Yexy or yecchy? I need to know, especially because I have a flight tomorrow. > -> "The Bathroom Mania designs create a fantasy-world in the bathroom (like any teenage boy) > -> by working on impressions and stories." They also make the Good Morning > -> Sunshine flower potty, a toilet in the shape of a flower pot with > -> images of flowery freshness, and the Splish Splash bathtub shaped like > -> a hammock. > > Okay, so they're not piss-freaks, they're just crazy. Too bad I already > used all my crazy cards this month, or these swedes would be getting an > extra-large helping of MOOSE! Hey, people from the Netherlands aren't called "Swedes"! Only the Dutch are called "Swedes"! People from the Netherlands are called "Danskins"! Also, how could you object to a toilet shaped like a flower pot? That's like objecting to a spaghetti strainer shaped like a toilet, or a flower pot shaped like a large neon sign that blinks "LOOK HOW I JUST SPENT MY MONEY ON SOMETHING STUPID FROM THE PART OF BENELUX WHERE THEY SPEAK NETHERLANDISH!" > -> But if you're a hold it 'til you get there kinda guy, the urinals, > -> thankfully aren't the only feature to rave about in the new clubhouse, > > because they really aren't much to rave about, unless you mean the > filthy-bum-on-the-corner or Don Saklad kind of raving. I really don't want Don Saklad involved in any way with this article about how Virgin Airways wants people to pretend to piss in women's mouths. > -> "My favorite other fun items are the Ben & Jerry's 'grab-n-go minis' > > Hey, it's not the size of the boat, it's the volume of piss it expels into > your gaping mouth! BUT I AM NOT A PISS FREAK! I'm still worried about what they're going to turn out to have in the women's room. > -> in the refrigerators," said Elizabeth Ciresi, a spokesperson for > -> Virgin. "There's also a dedicated business area for iMACS, > > But no REAL computers! We don't want anybody trying to hack into our > webserver mainframe and crash our porn space! Seriously, I would not eat any ice cream bar from a refrigerator in their kinky piss fetish club, especially if it's marked "grab-n-go". > -> two day beds in the Snooze Room and showers packed with Virgin > -> accessories." > > Guh. Wuh. I can't decide if she's referring to chastity belts and > saltpeter, or spanking paddles and astroglide. Either way, YOUR AIRLINE > IS NOT OKAY! I can't believe you forgot to mention which precious metal the showers resemble. Would these be bronze showers, silver showers, or the kind Richard Branson likes to give people in 230 countries while he's going "around the world" in his hot-air balloon? > [snip a bunch of imaginary stuff about what fake celebrities would do > if they ever stopped off in most New York's happening new dungeon] HEY! I'm a fake celebrity! Stop snipping me out of dungeons! > -> With added incentive to visit the new Virgin Clubhouse at JFK, I am > -> in a hurry to book my next flight to London just for the pleasure of > -> becoming reVirginized. > > I thought you could only get that surgery in Sweden. Or in the kinky restroom of any Ikea store. They do sex-changes too, but you don't want to know what they do with the leftovers. (Don't eat the Swedish meatballs!) > -> HEADS UP PR OFFICE, I'LL BE CALLING SHORTLY FOR A PRESS TICKET!! > > BUT SHE IS NOT A PISS FREAK!!! Short shameful confession: Yesterday, when I saw a news report on these pervy pee-play mouth-shaped urinals, it had a photo of one of them installed between a mosaic of two cartoon guys in sailor suits whizzing in two other imaginary mouth-shaped urinals. Then, last night, I had a dream involving a man with a sailor suit. No urine was involved, and we kept our pants zipped, but... well... let's just say it made me happy. Also, the guy told me he thought he looked like Frank Sinatra even though I didn't think he did, thankfully. Shorter, bald spot instead of a rug on top, and with a broken nose and cauliflower ears. Not pretty, but hey, if they come up to you in a dream and start entertaining you, you're not going to turn it down. So this news story appears to have led to my first dream that came out that way. (You can see the urinal photo in question at http://www.bathroom-mania.com and isn't the guy on the left suffering from some sort of intimate deformity?) Also, Ben, I'm going to leave this one to you: => Cop took pictures of urinal users, court hears => => REGINA -- The trial of an RCMP officer from British Columbia charged => with committing indecent acts heard the man took pictures of people => using the urinals, ...please try to think of something to say about this before I have some weird dream involving me, a sailor, and a Mountie. And an astronaut, a hockey player, and a medieval knight, all singing some awful song about Bruce Jenner and Valerie Perrine making out in a dentist's chair while Steve Gutternberg roller-boogies down Christopher Street trying to escape from Rhoda's mom. -- K. I'm sorry, but that movie made Bruce Jenner seem gay while simultaneously trying to convince me the Village People were straight. If he's not gay, then why did he get a nose job, and why's he named "Bruce"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The end of the world for New Paltz! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 16:02:11 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > -ALSO- in the news from the gay marriage capital of the Transhudsonian > Region, this was actually the lead story in yesterday's Yournal. > Unfortunately, I didn't actually read it beyond the headline until today. > > [from www.poughkeepsiejournal.com] > -> > -> Group ends push to secede from New Paltz > -> > -> NEW PALTZ -- The town boundary between Lloyd and New Paltz will remain > -> where it is. > -> > -> Leaders of the effort to transfer 4,000 acres into Lloyd are abandoning > -> their campaign in light of lack of support from property owners. > > Ray Redner isn't giving up his fight for a new municipality, however: > > -> "The incorporated Village of Apocalypse, New York," he said Tuesday, > -> reiterating his displeasure with New Paltz laws and taxes. "I was > -> driving up the Thruway one night from New York City and . . . this > -> biblical name came to me." > -> > -> Fred Van Nostrand, who lives near Redner in the small hamlet of > -> Plutarch, called Redner's proposal "crazy." > > Yeah, who would live in a place with such an antiquated name? You'd HAVE > to be crazy not to go with a more modern-sounding name like Holocaust. I think that "Plutarch" is a spiffy name, though. Maybe the town for the gay people could be "Tiberius", although that might attract too many Trekkies, some of whom might not even be gay. I just hope there's no "Petronius", or if there is, that they don't let kids go there. > Meanwhile, town officials just don't get why Redner thinks they suck: > > -> "I have no idea what he's talking about," New Paltz town Supervisor Don > -> Wilen said. "I'm a cool guy." Now, did he say "I'm a cool guy, WINK!!!" to mean "I'm really really gay," or did he say "I am a cool guy end of sentence." to mean "I am an elected official who falsely believes he is cool instead of a politician"? I need to know because most news articles on the gay-rights controversy fail to have large pink arrows pointing at which of the people in the story are the gay ones. Reporters are shirking their journalistic responsibility to tell us just how gay people who say "I'm a cool guy" are. -- K. So when filling out a gay marriage license, what if the same person puts his name in both blanks? Can you marry yourself? Or is that bigamy because both you and your husband are married to the same guy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:20:25 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Some bozo lady with too much perfume just stuck her head in my office > to ask, "Are you having any fun today?" > > I've never seen her before in my life. She was with a gaggle of women > walking by my office after attending a presentation about Easter > Seals. > > In answer to her question, I said, "Yeah, so far." > > What I should've said was, "I was until just now." Should've but didn've. I think that any time a day goes by that you don't have a "Should've but didn've" moment, it's a sign that you're not learning and growing and introspecting and remorsing like a fully-functional person. I have two or three most days. They let me prove to myself that the more time I have to think of a zinger, the better a zinger it is, therefore if I ever applied myself to thinking about one problem for a full 24 hours I'd come up with a super-duper-genius solution. The best should've today was when I was at the mall bookstore, buying something to read on the plane tomorrow. I needed a book that was small enough to pack, that I hadn't read, and that would match my outfit and impress airport security with how well-accessorized I was. So I selected a book of short ribald satires by some overrated French Marquis who insisted he was being unfairly punished just for killing those hookers. (I also got a larger biography of the guy to read later, which will probably inspire my to write some ribald satires about that dude.) When the clerk was ringing it up, his pupils dilated and he missed a few blinks, and then for the biggest tell of all, he ran his hand across the cover of the book. He remarked that he'd read "The 120 Days Of Sodom" and said he'd like to read the biography. I muttered something like "Everyone's got their own interpretation of him," and skedaddled with the biography and the book of short stories. What I should've said: "YOU PERVERT!!! I'm from headquarters, and I go from store to store pretending to buy these books to find out which of our clerks need to be severely disciplined and FIRED!!!" Come to think of it, I could still go back and do that, since it'll be impossible for him to recognize me now that my hair color's changed again. (It's just gone from candied-yam shimmery orange to a really swell metallic gold -- a beautiful rich yellow iridescence -- but that's just a transitory stage as I try to dye it a deep red. I'm not going to keep the golden hair because my skin is so pale that I need to keep my hair dark.) -- K. The other thing I bought for my trip: A packet of delicious snacks. Well, I haven't opened them yet, but the packet assures me that these gummi bears are delicious. They come in three flavors: Savory Beef Bear, Hickory Bacon Bear, and BBQ Chicken Bear. With vitamins for my skin and coat (hopefully eating a few of these will make my coat's zippers work better.) Mmm, bacon bears. BACON BEARS! If these don't turn out to be the most delicious snack in human history, I'm going to stop trying to find snacks that taste good and for the rest of my life I'll eat turnips. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Fri, 19 Mar 2004 01:16:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When the clerk was ringing it up, his pupils dilated and he missed a > > few blinks, and then for the biggest tell of all, he ran his hand across > > the cover of the book. > > Caressingly, nervously, or otherwisely? I think it was more like "Mmm, kinky books with embossed covers give me a woody." Not like what some people here would do -- "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY TOUCHING A BOOK WITH DIRTY WORDS IN IT!" > > The other thing I bought for my trip: A packet of delicious > > snacks. Well, I haven't opened them yet, but the packet assures > > me that these gummi bears are delicious. They come in three > > flavors: Savory Beef Bear, Hickory Bacon Bear, and BBQ > > Chicken Bear. With vitamins for my skin and coat (hopefully > > eating a few of these will make my coat's zippers work better.) > > My first reaction, approximately phonetically: "eeueeeEERRRRRRRrrllllch!" How could you object to savory beef, now in bear form? Hickory bacon, inside a cute little bear? Barbecued chicken, shaped like a barbecued bear? You like bacon and you like gummi bears, so why not both at the same time? Anyway, I'll pass them around at the party-like event this weekend if I can get through airport security with my new fluorescent hair. > Then I took a closer look. We're daring you to eat PEOPLE food, Kibo, not > dog food! There's a difference? If so, you should inform Taco Bell. You must be no fun at all during oral sex: "I'm not putting THAT in my mouth unless it has nutrition info printed on it!" You prudish pervert. -- K. The last dog bacon snack I tried was Beggin' Strips and I could certainly tell it wasn't bacon. Sort of like chewy cardboard soaked in molasses and soot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:14:16 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on the reaction of a Borders bookstore clerk to a de Sade volume] > > > > Not like what some people here would do -- "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY > > TOUCHING A BOOK WITH DIRTY WORDS IN IT!" > > That's not a book with dirty words in it that I'm touching. I should add that yesterday, Joe Manfre volunteered to be the witness to a controlled experiment I wanted to do wherein I would purchase another volume by the same author (the first one didn't exactly take long to read) at a different chain bookstore, Barnes & Noble. This time the clerk was a middle-aged woman who bagged up the book for me and said, "You two have a great night!" Yes, folks, Barnes & Noble has declared that Joe Manfre is my boyfriend. And because we all know that Barnes & Noble is the recordkeeper as to who's gay and who's straight and who's Joe Manfre's boyfriend, they will transmit this information directly to NASA who will sell it to spammers so that I will get E-mail saying, "Dear occupant, are you Joe Manfre's boyfriend? If so, then you need our personalized 'His & Joe Manfre's' towels!" -- K. So what would Waldenbooks do? And What Would Waldenbooks Do With "Women's Wear Daily"? And where can I get a "WWWDWWWD" bracelet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:10:42 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This time the clerk was a middle-aged woman who bagged up the book > > for me and said, "You two have a great night!" Yes, folks, Barnes & > > Noble has declared that Joe Manfre is my boyfriend. > > Hooray! Where are you two registered? Bacon Hut. > This post was the only post out of 374 unread posts which made me > laugh. It also reminded me of when my friend Olivia and I went to a > Kwik Shop and bought Rubber Ducky brand colored condoms and the cashier > lady said, "You two have a great night!" with a winky-winky, just like > your cashier lady. Except I don't know what she thought two women were > going to do with condoms. JOE AND I WILL BE OVER AT EIGHT! ...assuming you can stop laughing for a few minutes. Okay, now here's my "should've said" moment from this weekend. I'm in an elevator in a hotel that's hosting a Forensic Dentistry seminar. I'm wearing my leathers, accessorized with a certain dangling leather instrument which rhymes with "blogger" in order to troll for wide-eyed looks from pedestrians in our nation's most tightly-wound capital. A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: "Hey, I've got a riddle for you. What's the difference between a biker and a sadist? One asks riddles that AREN'T FUNNY! Now here's another riddle! What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? I'VE GOT NEWER MAGAZINES!" ...but I didn't have the presence of mind to pretend to be a full-on, non-con, anti-dentite sadist just to see if I could've made him hit the "Emergency Stop" button and/or squeal like a dental drill. This is a true story, and Robert Lindsay is a witness that I did _not_ abuse the poor innocent little dentist who was hoping to meet his first biker. -- K. Also, this weekend was the first time an airport security woman ever asked me whether I wanted to be frisked by a man or a woman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:23:55 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the > > elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" > > > > I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: > > "Yes" and maintained eye contact with him for waaaaay too long. Maybe > first expressionlessly and then with a gradual smile, held right up > until the time he scurried off as soon as the elevator doors opened, > maybe giving him a cheery wave and a complicit-looking if he should > turn around for a last glance. "And then Butch Leatherdude gave the dentist a complicit-looking BLANK." (bomp bomp bwa-da-da-da-da bamp bwamp da-da bomp bomp bwa-da-da-da-da bwamp!) "And what did you say, Brett Somers?" "Butch Leatherdude gave the dentist a 'BAZOOMS!'" (BUZZ!) "Sorry, Brett, but that buzzing noise means that when they took the charges out of the seats over at 'Let's Make A Deal', they put them into your giant eyeglass frames, so that whenever you say something that stupid, an electric shock will fry your brain until it makes you smart. And now, stay tuned for some important messages." > If he failed to be cowed into silence by your insane stare, you should > have asked him for his room number. Then what if he gave it to me? What if I just wanted to go home and watch Headline News for eight hours instead of tying up a dentist and making him cry until he agreed to service me and give me free dental work for the rest of my life? WHAT IF I PITY DA FOOL? > > This is a true story, and Robert Lindsay is a witness that I did > > _not_ abuse the poor innocent little dentist who was hoping to > > meet his first biker. > > Hell, he probably owns a Harley. These days, it seems to be mostly > doctors and lawyers who have them. Stop insulting my friends. The guys I know with HD hawgs are all honest upstanding citizens, not weird perverts like doctors and lawyers. -- K. So who had a bigger beer belly, Harley or Davidson? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:08:16 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the > > elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" > > > > I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: > > "No, why? Are you Jack Nicholson, or Bill Murray?" Well, my widow's peak is shaped more like Murray's, but my skin doesn't look quite as much like the dark side of the moon so I guess I'm just as much Nicholson as Murray. And I was travelling with a DVD of "Head" that weekend (co-written by wacky Jack Nicholson) so we'll call that a tie-breaker making me Jack. (I am Jack's tie-breaker.) If you wake up in a strange airport, are you somebody else? If, on your way to Fight Club, you wake up in Tyler's bed, do you change from Jack to Tyler? Do you then create Project Mayhem and encourage people to blow up mysterious shoebox-shaped buildings with shiny brown windows while admiring their Escheresque collections of deformed soap? You can swallow a pint of hot sauce before getting sick. (I am Jack's identity crisis. Please return your tray tables to their full upright positions.) I should've brought that movie. It was better than "Head", even if it didn't have any scenes with _real_ snuff. > And then, after the initial blank stare: > > "Oooo, is that PAIN Magazine you're carrying?" Hey! There's no magazine called "PAIN"! I know 'cause I've never been asked to pose nude for them, unlike "WEIRD"! -- K. Rule one of "PAIN" magazine: Don't scream about "PAIN" magazine no matter how much powdered lye falls out of it onto your lap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT I WANT Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:26:20 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > WHAT I WANT is, a GLUE STICK-like thingy, only instead of > being composed of GLUE, it is composed of POST-IT STUCKUM. > So I can turn any piece of paper into a Post-It. It's not smeared onto Post-Its, the glue is sprayed on. Go to your art-supply store and ask for a can of 3M Spray-Mount (note: not Spray-Ment!) and yes, it will turn any paper into a genuine 3M Post-It Note. Spray-Mount is the "repositionable" aerosol rubber cement, while Spray-Ment is a permanent glue. You want Spray-Mount. > This probably hasn't been marketed because a) people might > stop buyng Post-Its as much, and 2) people would probably > come up with perverted uses for it and besmirch the fine 3M > name. Sadly, perverts would be disappointed to learn that rubber cement isn't as kinky as rubber or cement. > WANT WANT WANT. I already said, you WANT Spray-Mount. Now stop wanting and go buy yourself a can of sticky fun. You're welcome. -- K. What I want is a glue stick-like thingie that can turn any piece of paper into a thousand-dollar bill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT I WANT Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:57:00 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spray-Mount is the "repositionable" aerosol rubber cement, while > > Spray-Ment is a permanent glue. You want Spray-Mount. > > This goes a long way in explaining the Spray-Mint fisaco of 1998. > > Just when you think getting your braces locked together is > the most embarrassing thing that ever happened. Worst "Amazing Stories" episode ever. You know, the one with the high school kid getting his braces glued to Mr. Coffee and KITT and Milton Berle all at the same time. (Were there any episodes that weren't product-placements for coffee-makers or has-been celebrities? That show was exactly like "The Twilight Zone" except without the stories.) And always remember: Never put Binaca in your eyes. Always put salt in your eyes. -- K. And never, ever glue yourself to someone, even if you're stalking them. Just use handcuffs like a normal person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Help! Someone introduce me to this Kibology thingy!! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:45:43 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (Sven-Thorsten.Fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > > > I am a totally ignorant Kibology newbie. I made a start by having > > Kibo's page confuse me and I even had a short glance at Kibo's > > Kibology page (yes, I filled out the poll). > > Mistake number one. Hi, Sven-Thorsten! Do you like Ikea? Please forgive my crummy little Web site and its confusing attempts to confuse you. I'll let you have the results of the poll when Stacia's done grading your answers. I see she's already found one mistake. And look at the size of her red pen! > > I was not however able to get ample information to satisfy my curiosity. > > Is there a Kibology guru who will help me to be part of this awsome > > movement? > > Kibo's been really sweet and kind lately. Try him. Make sure you're > wearing brown leather. I'm a big huggy bear. I could just hug you and squeeze you until you explode! Except that I'm not a bear. But it's okay, I can put some pillows inside my leather jacket if you want me to be a bear. -- K. Also, everything I say is a lie, unless I'm holding the Truth Stick. It's made of transparent red plastic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Help! Someone introduce me to this Kibology thingy!! Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:26:53 -0500 Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (Sven-Thorsten.Fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hi, Sven-Thorsten! Do you like Ikea? Please forgive my crummy little > > Web site and its confusing attempts to confuse you. > > Yes, I like Ikea, but the nearest store closed some time ago. So there is no nearest store to you? Let me guess, the distance to it in inches was the smallest uninteresting number? (Note: For those still thinking about that question, the smallest uninteresting number is "1729".) > > I'm a big huggy bear. I could just hug you and squeeze you until > > you explode! > > > > Except that I'm not a bear. But it's okay, I can put some pillows inside > > my leather jacket if you want me to be a bear. > > Will you send me some pics? Sure. Here is a picture showing how a very stupid ninja tried to smuggle a shuriken through the airport by throwing it through the metal detector --> [*] Here is a picture of Kurt Vonnegut going through an airport metal detector --> [*] and here is a picture of him throwing a flying fish at a rolling doughnut --> * ><> o a doughnut is a popular Earth food, unlike the frozen "dessert-style pizza" from the supermarket, which is not legally allowed to call itself a dessert and is not popular or food. This paragraph ends with a word on a line by itself. -- K. Today I saw the airport security guard-style personnel inspect someone's laptop computer by throwing it onto the marble floor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actual Concession Stand Conversation Yesterday Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:34:30 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Teen: Ma'am, the Combo #4 comes with an > O Henry" bar as this week's featured candy treat. > > Me: [pushing it away] No thank you, I can't have any candy > right now. > > Teen: [thinking hard, then brightening] Oh! Would you prefer the > Gummi Bunnies, then? > > AAARRRGGGHHHH. That's what I said -- at least the "AAARRRGGGHHHH." part -- when I tried those gummi bacon bears this weekend. I made a sound like "AAARRRGGGHHHH." except with added dimensions of pain, nausea, confusion, and regret because the gummi bacon bears tasted like a mixture of saccharin, liquid smoke, and wax. And there was so much saccharin that I couldn't taste the smoke, and there was also so much smoke that I couldn't taste the saccharin, so the result was that they tasted like wax except a billion times stronger and also bad. How they got this way remains a mystery because the ingredients did not list saccharin or any other chemical which 1950s magazine articles always described as "SO SWEET IT TASTES BITTER AND CANNOT BE EATEN BY HUMANS!" I would try feeding them to my dog Spot, but he's imaginary, so I don't know why I bought those. AAARRRGGGHHHH. -- K. From now on, all bacon-like items will be ranked on a scale from gummi bacon bears to real bacon. Bac*Os are near the middle because they suck except in comparison to the gummi bacon bears. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goodbye my fellow Kibologists Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:41:12 -0500 Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (sven-thorsten.fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > I will have to go through the agony of surviving two days without a.r.k. > (call it torture, call it recreation). I did that this weekend! I'm not sure whether I'd call it torture or recreation, but I do know that in all the shops in Dupont Circle I had to keep telling the shopkeepers that I already had that whip when I came in. > The only comforting thing is the knowledge that a.r.k. doesn't give a > pair of dingoes kidneys if I don't post to it in two days. They're all broken up over me travelling around to visit them all in person (in alphabetical order) instead of posting this weekend. -- K. Also, they're still laughing at my silly new cap that's a size too small and leaves a stripe on my forehead when I pull it down tight enough to make me only 6'8" counting the cap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: regarding those kissy-lipped urinals... Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 01:50:28 -0500 A followup to a news story from last week. (I was out of town this weekend so I hope nobody else already read this article on one of the hundreds of Web sites that has news.) [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Airline Halts Plan for Lip-Shaped Urinals -> -> NEW YORK (Reuters) - Virgin Atlantic Airways on Friday scrapped -> plans to install bright-red urinals shaped like women's open lips -> at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, saying it had -> received complaints they were offensive. The new urinals will be shaped like the face of Mike Myers as "The Cat In The Hat". This is because the idea of people _not_ peeing on him is offensive. -> "Virgin Atlantic was very sorry to hear of people's concerns about -> the design of the 'Kisses' urinals to be fitted into our clubhouse -> at JFK Airport. We can assure everyone who complained to us that -> no offense was ever intended," Virgin spokesman John Riordan said -> in a statement. ...issued while he was sitting on a toilet shaped like Fred Willard. And while getting a blumpkin. From Fred Willard. Who is sitting on a potty shaped like Potsie. Who is giving himself a blumpkin. -> Riordan said the British company received several dozen complaints -> from people and groups including the National Organization for -> Women after its plans for the urinals had been made public. -> NOW had posted a message on its Web site urging members to -> complain to Virgin chief Richard Branson. And who says the feminist movement has stagnated? They're still tackling important issues such as novelty bathroom fixtures! -> "I don't know many men who think it's cool to pee in a woman's -> mouth, even a porcelain one," said NOW President Kim Gandy on the -> group's Web site. She must have not visited too many other Web sites. If she hasn't used the Web enough to learn that it's full of perverts, then she shouldn't be allowed on the Web. -> The urinal, designed by a Dutch company, was the idea of a female -> designer. Annie Sprinkle? -> Riordan said Virgin was surprised by the negative reaction to -> the plan, part of designs for the lounge, built to pamper -> first-class customers. ...at Adult Baby Airlines, the only air carrier that lets their passengers make boom-booms without leaving their seats. Which are shaped like cribs. Also the in-flight snack is a baby bottle and a few spoonfuls of pureed pretzels. -- K. This article is almost all sentence fragments, because. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon gummi bears Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:28:47 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > Kibo brought some 'Mini Gummy Bear-BQ's' dog treats. [...] > > > > They look like your standard gummi bears and come in three flavors: > > 'savory beef bear', 'hickory bacon bear', and 'bbq chicken bear' (red, > > orange, and yellow). I tried one of the yellow ones. > > > > I thought eating it was bad enough -- it tasted completely awful and > > only got worse as mastication continued -- but it turned out that the > > bigger problems was that after I ate it the remnants stuck to my teeth > > and continued to impart its unique flavor to the left side of my mouth. > > Eating some corn chips helped. Oh, great, I was just forgetting the awful flavor of the part of one I ate and now you've made me remember that I can still taste the vile thing. > > From the reports of others it sounds like I got off lucky -- the yellow > > ones are actually the closest to being edible, with the red ones being > > substantially more vile. > > You forgot to mention that they are actually dog treats. Please, everyone, stop calling them "treats". ECCH! > It seems that people really will do what Kibo does, even if it means > eating dog treats. They probably figured I was playing some sort of Secret Backwards Boomerang Practical Joke Timesed By Infinity which involved me eating a horrible rotten dog gummi bear and then offering people perfectly normal cherry, orange, and lemon gummi bears to watch them not vomit. > I did not try one. AND I had Kibo begging me to give back his bottle > of hot sauce. I win! But I only got to drink about a third of it! -- K. I NEED MORE SPICE IN MY LIFE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon gummi bears Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:36:35 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > From the reports of others it sounds like I got off lucky -- the > > yellow ones are actually the closest to being edible, with the red > > ones being substantially more vile. > > I had a red one that I poured a glob of vinegar-based hot sauce onto, > creating a flavor that was... truly, um, unique. All I know is that > my ability to chew on it for a while, without immediately spitting it > out, impressed Kibo. It impressed me so much that I almost forgot to take you back to that Barnes & Noble bookstore to ask the clerk to grant us a divorce at the end of our wonderful weekend together. The little red gummi bear I bit into was truly the most awful-tasting thing I've ever had in my mouth, and remember, I've licked _every_ exhibit at the Museum Of Science. -- K. (Except for the biggest van de Graaf generator.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: While Out Today: Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:06:40 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Conversation with a Grocery Clerk: > > [sound of scanner] BEAK. BEAK. BAWK. > > [tries again]: BAWK. > > [clerk looks at me, ruffled] > > C: [waving cello-pak of produce at me} > Do you, um, know what this is called? > > Me: [unable to disguise my disdainful amazement] > ASPARAGUS??!!? > > C: [riffling through SKU code book] > Yeah, well sometimes they call it different things in here. Let's all help out Clerk Kent here by thinking up _all_ the different things asparagus spears can be called. I'll start: "Blue beans" (because "green beans" was already taken.) Once everyone's posted their synonyms, I'll forward the whole list to every grocery-store clerk in the world. Also everyone who has ever worked in a grocery store in any capacity, unless they were forced to work _behind_ the grocery store while standing in a big pile of rancid dairy products in the parking lot. -- K. Why were you buying asparagus that was packed inside a stringed instrument? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:18:02 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > He didn't like Rainforest Cafe. > > Funny. Andrew and I were at the Rainforest Cafe here in Toronto on > Friday night because my sister was in town with her kids and we ate > there with them. > > I'd rather be dead than work at the Rainforest Cafe. I'd rather be dead > than go there again on a fucking busy Friday night and fight my way > through hip-deep kids and angry parents trying to reach the hostesses so > we can get to our reserved table. Oh, I hate Rainforest Cafe far more than you do. In fact, right now, I hate them even more than I hate cheese. How much do I hate Rainforest Cafe and their asshole employees? I want to yank out all the employees' eyeballs with staple pullers and feed them to the poorly-painted two-headed plaster frog while it croaks "We think you're too stupid to notice that this frog has two heads and no butt." You should expect me to post a story (inspired by actual events) about me blowing up every one of the hundreds of Rainforest Cafes. It might take me a while to write it, because you'll have to wait for me to become sadistic enough. -- K. HATE HATE HATE HATE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:12:55 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, I hate Rainforest Cafe far more than you do. [...] > > How much do I hate Rainforest Cafe and their asshole employees? > > I want to yank [...] eyeballs [...] staple pullers [...] feed [...] > > frog [...] croaks [...] "stupid" [...] "no butt". > > I couldn't respect the employees for willingly working in that > environment, but I could pity them. And I did. We didn't get treated > poorly in a malevolent sort of way, but the service was poor because > they were rushed, overworked, and clearly unhappy. They just didn't want > to try any more. We, on the other hand, waited in line for twenty minutes to make a reservation. Then they told us to come back at a precise time an hour later. Which we did. Then we waited in another line for another half an hour. Only to find out that the reason things were moving so slowly was that they were making everyone go through this process just to be told that THE RESTAURANT HAD NO FUCKING FOOD. They were making people wait in line that long just so they could break the bad news to them one by one. You see, their gas line had been accidentally severed by construction workers (so they claimed.) Did they evacuate because of the major gas disruption? No. Did they close the restaurant because they couldn't cook? No. Did they at least try to inform people that they were completely wasting their time trying to eat there? No. They made everyone wait in line under the theory that if they were ravenously hungry enough they'd settle for Rainforest Cafe's new all-salad menu. (They offered us a choice of a cold salad or a cold turkey wrap.) The line was moving slowly because they were having to explain to everyone individually that there was no food because there was a major gas leak. I used to say that Rainforest Cafe was just Chuck E. Cheese for grownups with the mentality of toddlers, and with more annoying music. But now I know it's run by people who are... well... if you drew the dividing line between "incompetent" and "assholes", and then you waited on that line for most of your evening, you'd eventually get the idea how I feel. > > You should expect me to post a story (inspired by actual events) about > > me blowing up every one of the hundreds of Rainforest Cafes. It might > > take me a while to write it, because you'll have to wait for me to > > become sadistic enough. > > Can't wait! Then please take a number and wait amid these plastic plants and souvenir keychains and listen to the ear-splitting music that's blaring to cover the sound of all the screaming kids and the one guy yelling "THEY HAVE NO FOOD! WE! ARE! LEAVING!" to the other Kibologists. Stand there and wait for me to become at least as sadistic as the Rainforest Cafe so that I can write a story in which their employees get their faces pushed through a pasta machine. Why are we wasting our time hunting down Osama bin Laden when we should be dropping daisy cutters on Rainforest Cafe? -- K. Let's put it this way: If it was a choice between eating nothing but McDonalds food for the rest of my life or waiting in Rainforest Cafe's line one more minute, I'd start shoving hamburgers into my mouth and yelling "ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:22:46 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Friday, Saturday, and Sunday pictures are all jumbled up, but you get the > > idea. These are mostly from my camera and robert's camera, and a few from > > Muffy's camera, too. > > None of the pictures show Kibo's face. This is important. The reason > it's important is that Kibo values his privacy, and so long as no one > posts pictures of his face, he could be any of the thousands of bright > red bearded flogger-toting Michelin-man-wearing leathermen you see in > Boston, muttering typeface names as they walk past signs. Exactly. Photos of me are forbidden for that and several other reasons. Why would anyone need pictures? You can just draw a sketch of me from the description. Assuming, of course, that I haven't been lying all along. Note: I reserve the right to have been lying all along, especially if I turn out to be a black woman who lives in Utah and likes MS Comic Sans. -- K. And I'm not currently wearing the Michelin Man shirt, because a Senators jersey is required today. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:27:24 -0500 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > He likes my cats. Yeah, even though one kept running away from me and the other one just kept ignoring me while he bumped into walls. > He didn't like Rainforest Cafe. As I hinted elsewhere, I am currently deciding whether to kill all the employees with bulldozers or toothpicks. Toothpicks would be more work, but might prolong the agony for several extra hours to allow me to get my money out of the ninety-nine-cent box of toothpicks I bought for the occasion. > his armor class is pretty good. My armor class is pretty good because I'm handsome bad, baby. > He needs a twevle step program for his hot sauce addiction. Hey, it's not an addiction! I can stop whenever the bottle's empty! > I'm very tired. Maybe it's your bed. Tell you what, next time I sleep over, I'll take the full-size bed, and you can sleep in the little girlie bed under the poster of the cloned puppies (except for the chihuahua, who couldn't be cloned because he was too ugly.) -- K. And why didn't you let me play in your crawlspace? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Quorn in the news Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 04:00:06 -0500 An update on everyone's favorite convenience food which I prefer to call "mildoot". [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Maybe it tastes like chicken, but activists aren't buying it -> -> By Rosie Mestel -> -> Refrigerated trucks trundle down the pretty country lanes laden -> with pale, doughy masses of fungus--32 tons or more a day. -> -> "Pure mycoprotein--good enough to eat, won't taste of anything, -> very bland," declares manufacturing manager Pete Willis, tearing -> off a golf ball-sized sample from a 2,000-pound glob. Never mind that -- how loud did it scream? -> Workers in white boots shepherd the fungal paste through a sea of -> vats and clanking machines that mix, press, slice and dice the raw -> dough. "dough"? Fungal mucus counts as "dough"? I guess that means my pet goldfish has a bad case of dough. -> What comes out at the end is a matter of perspective--luscious -> artificial meat patties that taste like juicy chicken, or -> dangerous vat-grown "vomit burgers" that are sickening many -> consumers. Why can't it be _both_? Maybe it's so "luscious" that it makes people vomit from lusciousness overload. -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that millions -> of Europeans have eaten for years. It entered the U.S. market in -> 2002 to rave reviews by consumers ...like the one where I said only a raving idiot would like the stuff? -> but was quickly met with a dogged anti-Quorn campaign by an -> influential consumer group, the Center for Science in the -> Public Interest. -> -> Michael Jacobson, the CSPI's executive director, claims that -> Quorn, which he derisively terms an "odious" mold-based product, -> makes people ill--and he wants every last nugget expunged from -> American soil. But that's how they make it! By expunging it from soil! -> He has started a "Quorn complaints" Web site, published anti-Quorn -> letters in medical journals and petitioned the Food and Drug -> Administration to yank the product. -> -> "It seems in the FDA's eyes severe vomiting, diarrhea and -> anaphylactic reactions do not constitute harm," Jacobson said. -> "I think that's pathetic." ...severe vomiting in the FDA's eyes? YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY! -> Quorn's makers, based in the Yorkshire town of Stokesley, say they -> are perplexed and irked over the complaints about what they call -> their "mushroom"-related product. Hey, it's mushroom-related! They're both carbon-based life forms! -> More than 1 billion servings of Quorn's 100-plus dishes have been -> eaten in Europe since the first savory pie was rolled out with -> pomp in 1985--with no known deaths. It must be good to eat, if they've never found the corpses of any of the people it ate from the inside. -> [...] -> -> "Quorn is about as far from natural as you can get," Jacobson -> recently wrote. "There is an abundance of healthful meat -> alternatives made with things that come from farms, like soybeans, -> mushrooms, rice. ... If you're going to sell a food that comes -> from a lab, a test tube or a giant vat, it should at least not -> make so many people sick." Is it okay if it comes from a tiny vat? -> Quorn is made from the fungus Fusarium venenatum, which consists -> of tiny, translucent strands. The fibers' thickness and branching -> patterns give Quorn a springiness and feel similar to animal -> muscle. ...at least from the point of view of people who can't tell a puddle of slime mold from their bicep. -> "Delish!" said vegetarian Heidi Johnson, 40, of La Crescenta, -> Calif., who relishes the Quorn nuggets. "I don't eat many -> meat-substitute products. ... Most of them taste awful or have a -> really disgusting consistency." "With this one, there's no flavor _or_ texture! It's what tofu would be if it were made from the mold that grows on rancid tofu!" -> Culinary accolades are not quite what Quorn's creators had in mind -> when they started work on the product in the 1960s. ...when mildew was first weaponized. -> News reports said a soaring world population would starve within -> decades unless a plentiful protein source was found. Petroleum and -> chemical companies began coaxing potentially edible yeasts, molds -> and bacteria to grow on nutrients such as sugar cane, cassava, -> petroleum waste and manure. HEY KIDS GUESS WHICH OF THOSE QUORN GROWS ON! -> J. Arthur Rank, then-chairman of the British food company Rank -> Hovis McDougall, set his scientists on the project--focusing on -> fungi, which are high in protein and already eaten by people as -> yeast and mushrooms. The scientists wanted to work on finding new ways to make real food, but then they were enlightened by famous nutritionologist J. Arthur Rank, who spent his life beating a gong in the opening titles of gladiator movies, -> Thousands of fungal samples -> -> The team tested thousands of fungal samples for their ease of -> growth, nutrition and texture. But the fungus they finally -> selected was British-grown, found in some soil right near the -> company's research center. ...above the septic tank. -> Rank's project survived long enough to hook onto the growing -> health movement. In 1985, after reviewing animal and human safety -> tests, the British government approved the sale of mycoprotein. -> -> When Quorn arrived in the United States 17 years later, -> health-food fans embraced its chicken-like taste. Well, if you count the eyeballs as part of the chicken. -> But a chill wind soon blew down the aisles of health-food stores. -> -> Group forces label change -> -> Curious about the new food, Jacobson noticed on Quorn's packages -> that the product was made of mycoprotein from "an unassuming -> member of the mushroom family." -> -> "We had never heard of mycoprotein but we looked into it and found -> that it was a synonym for mold," he said. myco-, muco-, what's the difference? -> The CSPI's first action against Quorn was to file a deceptive -> labeling complaint with the FDA. The American Mushroom Institute -> and Gardenburger, a maker of meatless soy and mushroom patties, -> enthusiastically joined the protest. And you don't want to piss off the American Mushroom Institute! They'll burn a fairy circle on your lawn! -> Jacobson won round one, and Quorn packages now bear the -> description: "from the fungi family--and a relative of mushrooms, -> truffles, and morel." -> -> Jacobson then studied an unpublished study by Quorn's makers in -> which 300 volunteers ate either mycoprotein or meat in identical -> sauces. He said his analysis showed 5 percent had some reaction to -> Quorn, such as nausea and vomiting. This study was based on a story by the Marquorn de Sade. A eats Quorn. B eats meat. Then A and B eat each other's [PERKY MUSIC PLAYS TO COVER UP THE GROSS PART] and they agree that that was better than eating Quorn. -> Critics say Jacobson has been kneading the facts a bit. -> -> For instance, the industry study cited by Jacobson revealed only -> one confirmed reaction to Quorn, said British consultant Gareth -> Edwards, who supervised the study. "We can't confirm your reaction to Quorn unless you agree to eat it 365 days a year for the next decade to see whether it gives you massive diarrhea every single day, or just 90% of the time." -- K. Quorn is nature's booger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Benefits of being a spool. Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:29:16 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had dream this morning in which I was trying to communicate to > people this profound insight I had that it would be great to be a > spool because if I went back in time I could help my sock drawer > launch an attack against another sock drawer. I think you might have been eating the wrong Edward Gorey books. Also, you keep your socks in a drawer? Ha ha ha ha ha NERRRRRRRRD! Why would you need a whole drawer for just a pair of socks? Who are you, Martha frickin' Stewart? -- K. "Welcome to our pool. Notice there is no 's' in it..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:52:45 -0500 Okay, you tell me. What the hell does this pair of logos say, mean, or represent? I have attempted to render them as accurately as possible (complete with all the original misalignments) using my little keyboard: ### ##### ### ############# ##### ############ #### ### ### ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### ## # ## ### ### ### ### ## # ## ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### #### ### ### ### ### ############# ##### ############ ##################################### ###################################### ##################################### ############### ############## ##### ############# ##### ##### ############ ##### ##### ############ ##### ############### ############## ##### ####### ####### ##### # ###### ###### ###### ### ########################################################################## #################################### ###### ############################## ################################## #### ############################ ############# ###### ###### ##### ##### That pair of logos was seen in the window of a store in Washington, D.C. I won't mention the name of the store because I don't want to prejudice you as to what you see (I have a theory that part of the store's name is hidden in the eyeglasses, but what the wavy lines below are is an absolute mystery.) What do you see in this pair of awful logos? If you have Internet access, go ahead and take a closer look: http://www.kibo.com/pix/mystery_sign_7866_small.gif (That's a high-contrast photograph I snapped while visiting Washington.) Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. This group of objects denies analysis. If Captain Picard were here, he'd agonize over whether it would be cruel to show this picture to the Borg to make their heads explode. This abstract composition is so weird- looking even Rudy Rucker wouldn't fantasize about having sex with it. So... what the hell is this stuff? Were these alien symbols designed by Nonsenso The Clown? Did a drunken William S. Burroughs create them by playing "52-Pickup" with Colorforms? Is this store insane, or so brilliant that I am unable to comprehend the cleverness of their logos? And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? -- K. Maybe it's a map of the secret subway they built so that in times of national emergency, Bob Hope could go to the White House. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:26:18 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), > > and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. This > > group of objects denies analysis. > > Simple. They sell eyeglass frames that break really easily. So they are > shysters, but they are *honest* shysters because they've told you the risks > in a subliminally-decodable fashion. I'd just like to add that I thought I was typing "defies analysis" but I think "denies analysis" sort of works too. So they sell fragile eyewear that tries to keep you from asking it about its childhood. > > Is this store insane, or so brilliant that I am unable to comprehend > > the cleverness of their logos? > > They are so clever that they realised if they thought up an incomprehensible > logo, some joe would advertise it worldwide free of charge to millions of > people who would find them fascinating. I am not a lowercase joe! Also, I'm going to send them a bill for this. > > And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? > > Because using "*"s would have looked stupid. Again with the Vonnegut porn. Can't you people think about anything else? > > Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? > > Must...control...keyboard...fingers.... Just go ahead and type "No, you're a genius" like you better want to. -- K. lowercase joe with a capital temper ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:21:24 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), > > and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. > > The top one means "We have Information about unusual variations in eyeglass > rivet styles!" and the lower merely translates this into Syriac, with the > expected chrestomathy approaching in the distance. You know, before the Internet happened, I would have had to stop and look up "chrestomathy" in the dictionary. But now, thanks to the Internet, I can just post a reply without having to know what the big scary word means. "Dear curator, your chrestomathy smells like cheese!" "What's the difference between a dentist and chrestomathy? Damper magazines!" "Bob Hope killed by chrestomathy, film at 11 projected on the giant chrestovision screen at the Downtown Chrestodome." "In space, nobody can hear you chrestomathize!" "So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his chrestomathy..." > Eyes open: Turkish-style capital "I", with a dot above it, seems to be > cropping up everywhere these days. Always has, always will. Just like backwards Roman "U"s and ampersands shaped like plus signs. Jan Tschichold would be rolling in his grave if he weren't dead! -- K. Your chrestomathy is no match for my blessed +5 vorpal ethereal mithril plate mail with electrified hockey gloves! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:33:23 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > > > Eyes open: Turkish-style capital "I", with a dot above it, seems to be > > > cropping up everywhere these days. > > > > Always has, always will. > > I only noticed this on uncountably many handwritten specials of the day > after I had a math prof from Rumania who wrote in all caps, but dotted the > I's. This doesn't annoy me because I used up all my rage at the people who > don't capitalize the "I" when they talk about themselves and aren't they > the most self-absorbed people of all. ME? SELF-ABSORBED? i DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Also, I'm better than self-absorbed. I absorb other people, too. (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching down the street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > Better: I also had a Japanese teacher who thought that thorn was still a > letter outside of Iceland. This did not lead to the restoration of Our > Nordic Heritage on the white and chalk boards of Our Nation's lunch > counters. Wow. It's like if Brett Somers from "Match Game" (always writing backwards, thorn-shaped "y"s on those blue cards) was on "Pink Lady & Jeff" to give us "Pink Lady & Brett", the most horrible thing that COULD have happened in the Seventies. -- K. I gain more respect for Charles Nelson Reilly every time Brett Somers says something stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 22:14:56 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Looking at it some more, this bit: > > ##################################### > ###################################### > ##################################### > > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### # > ###### ### > ######################################################################## > ################################### ###### ############################# > ################################# #### ########################### > > sort of looks like a really stylized pre-electricity iron, or maybe one > of those metal things that they put on top of the bacon at the Tastee > Diner so that the bacon would remain flat while becoming crispy. At a real truckers' diner, the cook would just use the palms of his hands. Also, I think it looks more like a curling stone, except for its shape. > And this: > > ############# > ###### ###### > ##### ##### > > , of course, is a pair of sunglasses. Could you buy tiny grilled > sunglasses at whatever emporium this appeared on? Grilled? No. Also, the top half of the logo already looks like a pair of pince-nez, and it wouldn't be right to mix seventeenth-century and twentieth-century eyewear on the same sign. -- K. Rule one of logo design: If NOBODY can figure out what the name of your business is, you're more hosed than Benny Hill's garden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:02:53 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > [. . .] maybe one of those metal things that they put on top of the > > > bacon at the Tastee Diner so that the bacon would remain flat while > > > becoming crispy. > > > > At a real truckers' diner, the cook would just use the palms of his hands. > > I know this probably makes me seem all parochial and wimpy, but the cook > at the Tastee Diner was the first guy I ever saw who actually had a > 'MOM' tattoo. Ha ha, you're so gay for looking! > Anyway. Was the name of the business CHIC=) ? If so, that's the worst > emoticon I've ever seen. Yeah, actually, it was "Chic Optics". I've been figuring those glasses are supposed to say "CHiC". I think the left third of the eyeglasses are "C", the middle third is "H" with "i" in front of it, and the second "C" is sticking out from behind the "H" to account for the extra gaps on the right. That leaves a ")" left over at the right. I can't make the other blob into "OPTiCS", though. I can't even make it into a smiley that's been through the Transporter accident from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". ("Enterprise... what we put on the sign... didn't live long... fortunately.") [a short interruption ensues when Charles Nelson Reilly says a series of perverted things on "Match Game '75" which I transcribe for future use. "I'm trying to make it a provocative, charming game." -- Charles] Where were we before Charles kept changing the subject to kinky stuff? Oh, right, a guy was cooking bacon and you were watching his tattoos and not the yummy, delicious, tasty bacon. What sort of weirdo can take his eyes off the bacon? -- K. Also, it's really a "WOW" tattoo when he's in his favorite position. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 22:02:51 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That pair of logos was seen in the window of a store in Washington, D.C. > > The top one is either "OHiO" or, more likely, "OrcHiD", made into a pair of > handcuffs for a stick person. So it's a store that sells bondage gear made entirely from orchids, open only on New Year Day's so that people who like bondage better than football will have a place to shop if they get any kinky ideas while watching the Rose Bowl Parade? That's a bad idea for a store! Also it would be over in Dupont Circle near the Church Of Scientology, but this sign was in a different part of town, where they only have army surplus shops instead of bondage shops. > The bottom one is a riverboat traveling westward, though it's shipping water > just past the smokestack, from New Mexico into Arizona, and in fact Arizona > _is_ west of New Mexico. So which part of the logo is Four Corners? Alternative theory: Kurt Vonnegut drew this by accident while trying to draw a map of his Eight Corners. > I think you've found a store that sells inflatable Scott Kim kits. I tried turning the logo upside down, but instead of it becoming an ambigram, it became a Feynman diagram of the interaction between a quark and a roomful of mousetraps loaded with stink bombs. > > And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? > > Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? > > Did you ... colorize them? They had a blue neon version of the eyeglasses part of the logo (the logo was in at least four places in their front window, always drawn with all the same deformities.) So I know the logo is already blue. You should see the font the name of the store was typeset in on their big sign. It's like if "Battlstar Galactica" was made during an even worse version of the '70s. Rounded biforms with racing stripes and two different versions of "C". Oops, oh, what a giveaway! Now you've accidentally gotten a hint that the name of the store contains at least two "C"s. -- K. "Crapco"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:50:50 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, you tell me. > > Hmm. Well, the top thing probably spells something. But I don't know what. No fair cheating and introducing "On Beyond Zebra" letters. > The bottom thing looks like a steamship, with a birdy flying around, a > little wave lapping at the side of the ship, and a fish underneath it. So do you think it's a cruise line? I doubt that -- the logo doesn't look like it was designed by anyone particularly cruisy. The only gay guys with no design skills are busy on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". > Or it could be a really weird toilet. You could say that about anything! Except for a normal-looking toilet. Which I guess could still be really weird if it came to life and chased you around while playing "Yakety Sax" and blowing soap bubbles. And even that would be a better logo for a store. -- K. "Honey, will you drive me to Killer Toilet?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:39:23 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > [...] this little baby came along: > > barefoot bedridden manumission meier fallible > > These words are begging to be made into a short story of some sort, but > it's sort of a weak and pathetic begging That's "it's sort of a weak and pathetic begging, SIR!" > and I'm not really all that tempted to give in. You better play along anyway if you know what's good for you. > Plus with being barefoot and bedridden and all the story would > have to be somewhat kinky and I don't remember how any of that > stuff should go these days. OBLIGATORY STORY, AS KINKY AS DEAN LIKES IT "Yes, Sir!" said Dean Lenort, but his tongue had gone numb from eating a pound of haw flakes from Chinatown, so it came out as "Yes, Sid!" instantly transforming his cruel master into Sid Meier, programmer of the games "Sid Meier's Civilization", "Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri", and "Sid Meier's Strip Mall Containing Only Porn Stores"! The last one didn't sell, especially since Toys R Us mistakenly priced it at $99,999.99 instead of $.99, so Sid went broke and had to sell off some of his personal possessions, including Dean Lenort. But he couldn't get even 99 cents for Dean, who was in poor health, bedridden from eating too many Froot Loops on an empty stomach. Because Sid could neither sell Dean not afford to keep Dean, he gave dean his manumission, and sent him out into the cold, cruel world, barefoot. Dean said a tearful thank-you and then walked down the long gravel path to the bus stop. -- K. Then, nine months later, his little baby came along.