From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 01:58:20 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Do you: > > > > a) Bug the person who is doing the workshop about what can be done to > > make it better, or > > b) Assume it's not broke and don't fix it, but add [...] > > That depends. Am I a well-meaning and mostly hands-off administrator > who works for the good of the worker's collective, or am I an evil troll > who likes to micromanage so that if anything good ever happens I can > take credit for it? I ask myself that question every morning, right before getting dressed. Of course, some days the decision is made for me by the weather. Like, today, it was snowing, so I couldn't wear anything made from a cow. > > If you choose a, how stupid is it to decide that the way to fix it is > > to make it more interactive with each individual parent now that there > > are going to be twice as many of them there expecting to get the > > information and get home in the same one hour time frame? > > I think most everyone would agree that if parents just took a minute to > check in with their teachers to find out how their kids are doing the > world would be a better place, so this must be a FLAWLESS PLAN! I'm > sure that nine out of ten evil trolls would agree. But should it be the school's responsibility to tell the parents it's their responsibility to keep an eye on their kids? I say that bringing up children should be NOBODY'S responsibility! Children should roam wild and free, with parents and teachers alike able to lounge around the pool drinking martinis all day. Oh, and also, people shouldn't have to wear those silly polyester frocks from "Logan's Run" but otherwise the stuff about killing everyone at age 21 is fine by me especially because I'm 36 and therefore it's too late to kill me now. -- K. Also, in my world, schools wouldn't have gym glass, they'd have gymkata, so that everyone could have lots of chances to dress up as a ninja holding a single semaphore flag. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 14:56:32 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Of course, some days the decision is made for me by the weather. > > Like, today, it was snowing, so I couldn't wear anything made from a cow. > > This one time I was out driving, and I went past this dairy farm and > there were all these cows out in the field, or pasture, or whatever > that stuff is called, and right then it started snowing, and all the > cows headed for their shed or barn or whatever, but this one cow > wasn't fast enough and some snow landed on her, and she fukken > EXPLODED. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Also, dinner. Dear Jerry Seinfeld, I am Lawrence Tierney, and that was just one of the many reasons suede is bad. I don't know why cows always wear suede. We should do a favor and take if off them right away and then teach them a lesson by tanning their hides. Also, veal Oscar. Mmm. Oscary. -- K. Does this taste grouchy to you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 15:08:31 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Kevin S Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > They are aware that this is a parenting workshop and not a key party, > > > right? > > > > What's a key party? > > I think it's going to be the topic Kibo covers next in his ongoing > attempts at making us imagine him naked. I don't know where you're getting the idea that I like to be undressed as opposed to overdressed (in clothes which require keys.) How on earth is being naked kinky? That's like having a fetish for nothing! And nobody has a fetish for nothing! Nakedness is not sexy. Being nude is just something people do when they post to alt.religion.kibology. Oh, and a key party? That's something which requires an honors sorority and five hundred gallons of oatmeal and a staple puller. It results in the dean doing a slow burn and threatening to expel everyone unless they warm his heart by getting his wife laid, or something, I never can quite follow the plots of those movies. They're too brainy! -- K. Now let's boogie! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 00:56:55 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > What's a key party? > > Key parties were one of those quaint suburban customs from the '60s > and '70s. Married couples would gather at someone's home, have a few > too many cocktails, and at the end of the night the menfolk would toss > their car keys in a bowl. Their wives would reach into said bowl and > pull out a random set of keys, and then the couples would drive that > car home for the night. Hmm. Just in case we ever have one of these on a.r.k, which of my keychains would the members of the appropriate sex be more likely to fight over? The patch of bronze chain mail? The curly blue thing that loops over a ring on my utility belt? The pewter Roman centurion helmet with the crest running side-to-side the way they never do in movies? Or Lego Darth Vader? Also, slave auctions are more fun. I know one club that used to advertise "live slave auctions" weekly, which I guess would be good because nobody wants to buy a dead slave. > At least that's how my mother and father explained it to me when I was > a kid. "Then he taught me about French kissing. Daddy says I do it the best!" (I don't recall precisely how badly I'm misquoting that, but it was just a Chevy Chase movie, so we'll let it slide.) -- K. Gotta go now, I need to attend a private auction. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Poll from Paula Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 15:07:06 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, slave auctions are more fun. I know one club that used to > > advertise "live slave auctions" weekly, which I guess would be good > > because nobody wants to buy a dead slave. > > Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. (Sound of gavel striking wood.) "Your honor, he was already dead when I bought him. But when I looked at the receipt Kibo gave me, it said 'no refunds or exchanges, slaves are sold as-is where-is and are not warranted as suitable for any particular purpose, especially if you're dumb enough to buy a dead one right before the vice squad searches your car's trunk.'" "Hmm. Okay, then, I declare this murder trial null and void! It's party time!" (Everyone boogies and takes turns dancing with the corpse, who is wearing sunglasses to make him look alive.) And it was the most logical "Weekend At Bernie's" sequel ever! -- K. I wish my real life were a tenth as perverted as my imaginary life... ...instead of 90% as perverted. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How not to crucify yourself. Date: Wed, 17 Mar 2004 14:48:30 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Somerset County Lt. Pierre Boucher said the man took two pieces > > -> of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed > > -> them on his living-room floor. He attached a note saying > > -> "suicide" to the wood and then proceeded to nail one of his > > -> hands to the makeshift cross using a 14-penny nail and a hammer. > > The man was taken into custody by the Somerset County building > inspector. Local codes require use of 16 penny nails for > crucifictions. That's cruci_fiction_. The _reality_ of crucifixion doesn't follow the building code. If it did, the crucifix would have to have a fire escape, and that would look silly. > > -> "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to > > -> the board, he called 911," said Boucher. > > Another tragedy that could have been averted by carefully reading > UNSENET! As I pointed out years ago [...] this is exactly the sort > of situation Velcro was invented for. Velcro is for babies and for people who want to be able to crucify themselves repeatedly, and really, if you do it more than once, you're obviously not doing it right. No, the way to do a _good_ crucifixion by yourself is to hold mild steel nails in each hand, then hold your fists against the cross with giant electromagnets behind it on a timer that will kick in in a few minutes (perhaps controlled by your TiVo so that you can die the moment the "Jeopardy" music ends) and, zap, ouch, you've been nailed, nailed real good. > > -> It was unclear whether the man was seeking assistance for his > > -> injury or help in nailing his other hand down. > > Anyone who thinks this was a little sick humor from the 911 operator > which the earnest reporter carefully wrote down in her notebook for > inclusion in the story, please raise your hand. Reporters always use the phrase "it was unclear" to introduce their sick little fantasies and embellishments. "Six people were blown to bits today. It was unclear whether or not their eyeballs landed on some kid's marshmallow sundae, possibly YOURS!" > Oh, sorry, I see you can't raise your hand. Well, give a little grunt then. Oink! -- K. How come no performance artist has ever nailed himself to a giant pair of golden arches? He could get a grant from Burger King, home of Our Lord And Whopper! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 00:49:55 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you saying hot kinky chicks work with rocket scientists? > > Rocket science needs more hot kinky chicks. Are you saying other professions don't? And are you saying rocket science doesn't need any hot kinky men? If so, then I won't be marching in _your_ parade this week either. > > Where do I send my resume? I have eight or nine degrees in > > rocket science, although I think this company would be more > > interested in finding out what positions I can handle (I'm up > > for ankle suspension if they are.) > > I'll give you a hint when you're interviewing for your job working with the > SRBs. During the quiz when they ask you why the SRBs are manufactured the > width that they are you are not to, I REPEAT NOT, tell them the story from > that urban legend. What urban legend? Is there something kinky you're not telling me? WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > Of course with you being an ancient Roman and all maybe > it would be appropriate for you to tell them that. Your call. I'm not an ancient Roman! I just maintain that a bunch of people dressing like Romans are trying to make me think there isn't a conspiracy by ancient Romans to get me. Also, I am a Space Viking. -- K. And I used to only be kidding when I said that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:10:42 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > > You know... I'm sure those perverted people that are into golden > showers should would have an interesting time on the shuttle. Now that I think about it, you're right, everyone who has ever wanted to be an astronaut or ride a spaceship or visit Mr. Spock is a colossal pervert. Especially if Sulu gets to watch and keeps yelling "OH, MY!" just like that guy who sounded nothing like him once did on the Howard Stern show, convincing everyone that George Takei is the kind of pervert who goes around yelling "OH, MY!" instead of whatever he actually does when he sees Spock in the sonic shower. -- K. Of all the "Star Trek" cast members, he's the funniest drunk, at least in that press conference during the eight hours of extras on the "Star Trek V" DVD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One is back Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 01:08:06 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dare any comedy > > club owner to give > > me a three- > > minute set to see > > if I can make > > anyone in > > the audience > > explode. > > Didn't you try standup once, or was that just a misquote in an interview > I read somewhere? STOP FUCKING UP MY FORMATTING OR I'M GONNA SEW EVERY PART OF YOUR SKIN TO EVERY OTHER PART AND ROLL YOU DOWN A HILL INTO A LAGOON OF BOILING HOT CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF CELERY SOUP, YOU DINKWAD! -- K! And ohhhhh I daaaaare you to wreck up the formatting of THIS sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KINKFEST 2004! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 15:47:29 -0500 [Ben Allard dares to make fun of a news article I saw yesterday but thought was too perverted even for a.r.k] Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [from news.yahoo.com] > -> > -> Even though they allow for high-volume servicing and back-in-a-flash > -> trips to the john, the point-and-shoot-a-stinky-deodorizer-cake oddity > -> known as the men's restroom urinal has been, for women, a constant > -> enigma. But nothing will prepare you for the men's room in the > -> newly-designed Virgin Airways Clubhouse in New York's John F. Kennedy > -> airport, terminal 4: Urinals shaped like a woman's mouth, dolled up > -> with red lipstick, wide open and ready for business. > > I uh, I... jesus. Fuck, do you have to feed them five dollar bills to > piss, or can you just pay in rock? An yet they still have the nerve to call it "Virgin Airways" despite that it's obviously not about the virginity or the airways any more. > -> "In anything that we do there has to be a smile, and that's the smile > -> in this Clubhouse," said John Riordan, Vice President of Customer > -> Services for Virgin Airways. > > "BUT I AM NOT A PISS-FREAK!" > > -> The urinals, called Kisses, were designed by Netherlands based company > -> Bathroom Mania. > -> > -> "Kisses - the sexy urinal, makes a daily event a blushing experience! > -> This is one target men will never miss!," said the Bathroom Mania team > -> via e-mail from the Netherlands. > > "BUT VE ARE NOT PISS-FREAKS!" But is sure is yexy to denigrate women by > pissing in their mouths. Yexy or yecchy? I need to know, especially because I have a flight tomorrow. > -> "The Bathroom Mania designs create a fantasy-world in the bathroom (like any teenage boy) > -> by working on impressions and stories." They also make the Good Morning > -> Sunshine flower potty, a toilet in the shape of a flower pot with > -> images of flowery freshness, and the Splish Splash bathtub shaped like > -> a hammock. > > Okay, so they're not piss-freaks, they're just crazy. Too bad I already > used all my crazy cards this month, or these swedes would be getting an > extra-large helping of MOOSE! Hey, people from the Netherlands aren't called "Swedes"! Only the Dutch are called "Swedes"! People from the Netherlands are called "Danskins"! Also, how could you object to a toilet shaped like a flower pot? That's like objecting to a spaghetti strainer shaped like a toilet, or a flower pot shaped like a large neon sign that blinks "LOOK HOW I JUST SPENT MY MONEY ON SOMETHING STUPID FROM THE PART OF BENELUX WHERE THEY SPEAK NETHERLANDISH!" > -> But if you're a hold it 'til you get there kinda guy, the urinals, > -> thankfully aren't the only feature to rave about in the new clubhouse, > > because they really aren't much to rave about, unless you mean the > filthy-bum-on-the-corner or Don Saklad kind of raving. I really don't want Don Saklad involved in any way with this article about how Virgin Airways wants people to pretend to piss in women's mouths. > -> "My favorite other fun items are the Ben & Jerry's 'grab-n-go minis' > > Hey, it's not the size of the boat, it's the volume of piss it expels into > your gaping mouth! BUT I AM NOT A PISS FREAK! I'm still worried about what they're going to turn out to have in the women's room. > -> in the refrigerators," said Elizabeth Ciresi, a spokesperson for > -> Virgin. "There's also a dedicated business area for iMACS, > > But no REAL computers! We don't want anybody trying to hack into our > webserver mainframe and crash our porn space! Seriously, I would not eat any ice cream bar from a refrigerator in their kinky piss fetish club, especially if it's marked "grab-n-go". > -> two day beds in the Snooze Room and showers packed with Virgin > -> accessories." > > Guh. Wuh. I can't decide if she's referring to chastity belts and > saltpeter, or spanking paddles and astroglide. Either way, YOUR AIRLINE > IS NOT OKAY! I can't believe you forgot to mention which precious metal the showers resemble. Would these be bronze showers, silver showers, or the kind Richard Branson likes to give people in 230 countries while he's going "around the world" in his hot-air balloon? > [snip a bunch of imaginary stuff about what fake celebrities would do > if they ever stopped off in most New York's happening new dungeon] HEY! I'm a fake celebrity! Stop snipping me out of dungeons! > -> With added incentive to visit the new Virgin Clubhouse at JFK, I am > -> in a hurry to book my next flight to London just for the pleasure of > -> becoming reVirginized. > > I thought you could only get that surgery in Sweden. Or in the kinky restroom of any Ikea store. They do sex-changes too, but you don't want to know what they do with the leftovers. (Don't eat the Swedish meatballs!) > -> HEADS UP PR OFFICE, I'LL BE CALLING SHORTLY FOR A PRESS TICKET!! > > BUT SHE IS NOT A PISS FREAK!!! Short shameful confession: Yesterday, when I saw a news report on these pervy pee-play mouth-shaped urinals, it had a photo of one of them installed between a mosaic of two cartoon guys in sailor suits whizzing in two other imaginary mouth-shaped urinals. Then, last night, I had a dream involving a man with a sailor suit. No urine was involved, and we kept our pants zipped, but... well... let's just say it made me happy. Also, the guy told me he thought he looked like Frank Sinatra even though I didn't think he did, thankfully. Shorter, bald spot instead of a rug on top, and with a broken nose and cauliflower ears. Not pretty, but hey, if they come up to you in a dream and start entertaining you, you're not going to turn it down. So this news story appears to have led to my first dream that came out that way. (You can see the urinal photo in question at http://www.bathroom-mania.com and isn't the guy on the left suffering from some sort of intimate deformity?) Also, Ben, I'm going to leave this one to you: => Cop took pictures of urinal users, court hears => => REGINA -- The trial of an RCMP officer from British Columbia charged => with committing indecent acts heard the man took pictures of people => using the urinals, ...please try to think of something to say about this before I have some weird dream involving me, a sailor, and a Mountie. And an astronaut, a hockey player, and a medieval knight, all singing some awful song about Bruce Jenner and Valerie Perrine making out in a dentist's chair while Steve Gutternberg roller-boogies down Christopher Street trying to escape from Rhoda's mom. -- K. I'm sorry, but that movie made Bruce Jenner seem gay while simultaneously trying to convince me the Village People were straight. If he's not gay, then why did he get a nose job, and why's he named "Bruce"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The end of the world for New Paltz! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 16:02:11 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > -ALSO- in the news from the gay marriage capital of the Transhudsonian > Region, this was actually the lead story in yesterday's Yournal. > Unfortunately, I didn't actually read it beyond the headline until today. > > [from www.poughkeepsiejournal.com] > -> > -> Group ends push to secede from New Paltz > -> > -> NEW PALTZ -- The town boundary between Lloyd and New Paltz will remain > -> where it is. > -> > -> Leaders of the effort to transfer 4,000 acres into Lloyd are abandoning > -> their campaign in light of lack of support from property owners. > > Ray Redner isn't giving up his fight for a new municipality, however: > > -> "The incorporated Village of Apocalypse, New York," he said Tuesday, > -> reiterating his displeasure with New Paltz laws and taxes. "I was > -> driving up the Thruway one night from New York City and . . . this > -> biblical name came to me." > -> > -> Fred Van Nostrand, who lives near Redner in the small hamlet of > -> Plutarch, called Redner's proposal "crazy." > > Yeah, who would live in a place with such an antiquated name? You'd HAVE > to be crazy not to go with a more modern-sounding name like Holocaust. I think that "Plutarch" is a spiffy name, though. Maybe the town for the gay people could be "Tiberius", although that might attract too many Trekkies, some of whom might not even be gay. I just hope there's no "Petronius", or if there is, that they don't let kids go there. > Meanwhile, town officials just don't get why Redner thinks they suck: > > -> "I have no idea what he's talking about," New Paltz town Supervisor Don > -> Wilen said. "I'm a cool guy." Now, did he say "I'm a cool guy, WINK!!!" to mean "I'm really really gay," or did he say "I am a cool guy end of sentence." to mean "I am an elected official who falsely believes he is cool instead of a politician"? I need to know because most news articles on the gay-rights controversy fail to have large pink arrows pointing at which of the people in the story are the gay ones. Reporters are shirking their journalistic responsibility to tell us just how gay people who say "I'm a cool guy" are. -- K. So when filling out a gay marriage license, what if the same person puts his name in both blanks? Can you marry yourself? Or is that bigamy because both you and your husband are married to the same guy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:20:25 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Some bozo lady with too much perfume just stuck her head in my office > to ask, "Are you having any fun today?" > > I've never seen her before in my life. She was with a gaggle of women > walking by my office after attending a presentation about Easter > Seals. > > In answer to her question, I said, "Yeah, so far." > > What I should've said was, "I was until just now." Should've but didn've. I think that any time a day goes by that you don't have a "Should've but didn've" moment, it's a sign that you're not learning and growing and introspecting and remorsing like a fully-functional person. I have two or three most days. They let me prove to myself that the more time I have to think of a zinger, the better a zinger it is, therefore if I ever applied myself to thinking about one problem for a full 24 hours I'd come up with a super-duper-genius solution. The best should've today was when I was at the mall bookstore, buying something to read on the plane tomorrow. I needed a book that was small enough to pack, that I hadn't read, and that would match my outfit and impress airport security with how well-accessorized I was. So I selected a book of short ribald satires by some overrated French Marquis who insisted he was being unfairly punished just for killing those hookers. (I also got a larger biography of the guy to read later, which will probably inspire my to write some ribald satires about that dude.) When the clerk was ringing it up, his pupils dilated and he missed a few blinks, and then for the biggest tell of all, he ran his hand across the cover of the book. He remarked that he'd read "The 120 Days Of Sodom" and said he'd like to read the biography. I muttered something like "Everyone's got their own interpretation of him," and skedaddled with the biography and the book of short stories. What I should've said: "YOU PERVERT!!! I'm from headquarters, and I go from store to store pretending to buy these books to find out which of our clerks need to be severely disciplined and FIRED!!!" Come to think of it, I could still go back and do that, since it'll be impossible for him to recognize me now that my hair color's changed again. (It's just gone from candied-yam shimmery orange to a really swell metallic gold -- a beautiful rich yellow iridescence -- but that's just a transitory stage as I try to dye it a deep red. I'm not going to keep the golden hair because my skin is so pale that I need to keep my hair dark.) -- K. The other thing I bought for my trip: A packet of delicious snacks. Well, I haven't opened them yet, but the packet assures me that these gummi bears are delicious. They come in three flavors: Savory Beef Bear, Hickory Bacon Bear, and BBQ Chicken Bear. With vitamins for my skin and coat (hopefully eating a few of these will make my coat's zippers work better.) Mmm, bacon bears. BACON BEARS! If these don't turn out to be the most delicious snack in human history, I'm going to stop trying to find snacks that taste good and for the rest of my life I'll eat turnips. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Fri, 19 Mar 2004 01:16:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When the clerk was ringing it up, his pupils dilated and he missed a > > few blinks, and then for the biggest tell of all, he ran his hand across > > the cover of the book. > > Caressingly, nervously, or otherwisely? I think it was more like "Mmm, kinky books with embossed covers give me a woody." Not like what some people here would do -- "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY TOUCHING A BOOK WITH DIRTY WORDS IN IT!" > > The other thing I bought for my trip: A packet of delicious > > snacks. Well, I haven't opened them yet, but the packet assures > > me that these gummi bears are delicious. They come in three > > flavors: Savory Beef Bear, Hickory Bacon Bear, and BBQ > > Chicken Bear. With vitamins for my skin and coat (hopefully > > eating a few of these will make my coat's zippers work better.) > > My first reaction, approximately phonetically: "eeueeeEERRRRRRRrrllllch!" How could you object to savory beef, now in bear form? Hickory bacon, inside a cute little bear? Barbecued chicken, shaped like a barbecued bear? You like bacon and you like gummi bears, so why not both at the same time? Anyway, I'll pass them around at the party-like event this weekend if I can get through airport security with my new fluorescent hair. > Then I took a closer look. We're daring you to eat PEOPLE food, Kibo, not > dog food! There's a difference? If so, you should inform Taco Bell. You must be no fun at all during oral sex: "I'm not putting THAT in my mouth unless it has nutrition info printed on it!" You prudish pervert. -- K. The last dog bacon snack I tried was Beggin' Strips and I could certainly tell it wasn't bacon. Sort of like chewy cardboard soaked in molasses and soot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:14:16 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on the reaction of a Borders bookstore clerk to a de Sade volume] > > > > Not like what some people here would do -- "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY > > TOUCHING A BOOK WITH DIRTY WORDS IN IT!" > > That's not a book with dirty words in it that I'm touching. I should add that yesterday, Joe Manfre volunteered to be the witness to a controlled experiment I wanted to do wherein I would purchase another volume by the same author (the first one didn't exactly take long to read) at a different chain bookstore, Barnes & Noble. This time the clerk was a middle-aged woman who bagged up the book for me and said, "You two have a great night!" Yes, folks, Barnes & Noble has declared that Joe Manfre is my boyfriend. And because we all know that Barnes & Noble is the recordkeeper as to who's gay and who's straight and who's Joe Manfre's boyfriend, they will transmit this information directly to NASA who will sell it to spammers so that I will get E-mail saying, "Dear occupant, are you Joe Manfre's boyfriend? If so, then you need our personalized 'His & Joe Manfre's' towels!" -- K. So what would Waldenbooks do? And What Would Waldenbooks Do With "Women's Wear Daily"? And where can I get a "WWWDWWWD" bracelet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:10:42 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This time the clerk was a middle-aged woman who bagged up the book > > for me and said, "You two have a great night!" Yes, folks, Barnes & > > Noble has declared that Joe Manfre is my boyfriend. > > Hooray! Where are you two registered? Bacon Hut. > This post was the only post out of 374 unread posts which made me > laugh. It also reminded me of when my friend Olivia and I went to a > Kwik Shop and bought Rubber Ducky brand colored condoms and the cashier > lady said, "You two have a great night!" with a winky-winky, just like > your cashier lady. Except I don't know what she thought two women were > going to do with condoms. JOE AND I WILL BE OVER AT EIGHT! ...assuming you can stop laughing for a few minutes. Okay, now here's my "should've said" moment from this weekend. I'm in an elevator in a hotel that's hosting a Forensic Dentistry seminar. I'm wearing my leathers, accessorized with a certain dangling leather instrument which rhymes with "blogger" in order to troll for wide-eyed looks from pedestrians in our nation's most tightly-wound capital. A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: "Hey, I've got a riddle for you. What's the difference between a biker and a sadist? One asks riddles that AREN'T FUNNY! Now here's another riddle! What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? I'VE GOT NEWER MAGAZINES!" ...but I didn't have the presence of mind to pretend to be a full-on, non-con, anti-dentite sadist just to see if I could've made him hit the "Emergency Stop" button and/or squeal like a dental drill. This is a true story, and Robert Lindsay is a witness that I did _not_ abuse the poor innocent little dentist who was hoping to meet his first biker. -- K. Also, this weekend was the first time an airport security woman ever asked me whether I wanted to be frisked by a man or a woman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:23:55 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the > > elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" > > > > I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: > > "Yes" and maintained eye contact with him for waaaaay too long. Maybe > first expressionlessly and then with a gradual smile, held right up > until the time he scurried off as soon as the elevator doors opened, > maybe giving him a cheery wave and a complicit-looking if he should > turn around for a last glance. "And then Butch Leatherdude gave the dentist a complicit-looking BLANK." (bomp bomp bwa-da-da-da-da bamp bwamp da-da bomp bomp bwa-da-da-da-da bwamp!) "And what did you say, Brett Somers?" "Butch Leatherdude gave the dentist a 'BAZOOMS!'" (BUZZ!) "Sorry, Brett, but that buzzing noise means that when they took the charges out of the seats over at 'Let's Make A Deal', they put them into your giant eyeglass frames, so that whenever you say something that stupid, an electric shock will fry your brain until it makes you smart. And now, stay tuned for some important messages." > If he failed to be cowed into silence by your insane stare, you should > have asked him for his room number. Then what if he gave it to me? What if I just wanted to go home and watch Headline News for eight hours instead of tying up a dentist and making him cry until he agreed to service me and give me free dental work for the rest of my life? WHAT IF I PITY DA FOOL? > > This is a true story, and Robert Lindsay is a witness that I did > > _not_ abuse the poor innocent little dentist who was hoping to > > meet his first biker. > > Hell, he probably owns a Harley. These days, it seems to be mostly > doctors and lawyers who have them. Stop insulting my friends. The guys I know with HD hawgs are all honest upstanding citizens, not weird perverts like doctors and lawyers. -- K. So who had a bigger beer belly, Harley or Davidson? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are You Having Any Fun Today? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:08:16 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A dentist-looking guy carrying dental literature gets into the > > elevator. He looks me up and down then asks me, "Do you ride a Harley?" > > > > I said, "No, I'm just a leatherman." What I _should've_ said: > > "No, why? Are you Jack Nicholson, or Bill Murray?" Well, my widow's peak is shaped more like Murray's, but my skin doesn't look quite as much like the dark side of the moon so I guess I'm just as much Nicholson as Murray. And I was travelling with a DVD of "Head" that weekend (co-written by wacky Jack Nicholson) so we'll call that a tie-breaker making me Jack. (I am Jack's tie-breaker.) If you wake up in a strange airport, are you somebody else? If, on your way to Fight Club, you wake up in Tyler's bed, do you change from Jack to Tyler? Do you then create Project Mayhem and encourage people to blow up mysterious shoebox-shaped buildings with shiny brown windows while admiring their Escheresque collections of deformed soap? You can swallow a pint of hot sauce before getting sick. (I am Jack's identity crisis. Please return your tray tables to their full upright positions.) I should've brought that movie. It was better than "Head", even if it didn't have any scenes with _real_ snuff. > And then, after the initial blank stare: > > "Oooo, is that PAIN Magazine you're carrying?" Hey! There's no magazine called "PAIN"! I know 'cause I've never been asked to pose nude for them, unlike "WEIRD"! -- K. Rule one of "PAIN" magazine: Don't scream about "PAIN" magazine no matter how much powdered lye falls out of it onto your lap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT I WANT Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:26:20 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > WHAT I WANT is, a GLUE STICK-like thingy, only instead of > being composed of GLUE, it is composed of POST-IT STUCKUM. > So I can turn any piece of paper into a Post-It. It's not smeared onto Post-Its, the glue is sprayed on. Go to your art-supply store and ask for a can of 3M Spray-Mount (note: not Spray-Ment!) and yes, it will turn any paper into a genuine 3M Post-It Note. Spray-Mount is the "repositionable" aerosol rubber cement, while Spray-Ment is a permanent glue. You want Spray-Mount. > This probably hasn't been marketed because a) people might > stop buyng Post-Its as much, and 2) people would probably > come up with perverted uses for it and besmirch the fine 3M > name. Sadly, perverts would be disappointed to learn that rubber cement isn't as kinky as rubber or cement. > WANT WANT WANT. I already said, you WANT Spray-Mount. Now stop wanting and go buy yourself a can of sticky fun. You're welcome. -- K. What I want is a glue stick-like thingie that can turn any piece of paper into a thousand-dollar bill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WHAT I WANT Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:57:00 -0500 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spray-Mount is the "repositionable" aerosol rubber cement, while > > Spray-Ment is a permanent glue. You want Spray-Mount. > > This goes a long way in explaining the Spray-Mint fisaco of 1998. > > Just when you think getting your braces locked together is > the most embarrassing thing that ever happened. Worst "Amazing Stories" episode ever. You know, the one with the high school kid getting his braces glued to Mr. Coffee and KITT and Milton Berle all at the same time. (Were there any episodes that weren't product-placements for coffee-makers or has-been celebrities? That show was exactly like "The Twilight Zone" except without the stories.) And always remember: Never put Binaca in your eyes. Always put salt in your eyes. -- K. And never, ever glue yourself to someone, even if you're stalking them. Just use handcuffs like a normal person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Help! Someone introduce me to this Kibology thingy!! Date: Thu, 18 Mar 2004 22:45:43 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (Sven-Thorsten.Fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > > > I am a totally ignorant Kibology newbie. I made a start by having > > Kibo's page confuse me and I even had a short glance at Kibo's > > Kibology page (yes, I filled out the poll). > > Mistake number one. Hi, Sven-Thorsten! Do you like Ikea? Please forgive my crummy little Web site and its confusing attempts to confuse you. I'll let you have the results of the poll when Stacia's done grading your answers. I see she's already found one mistake. And look at the size of her red pen! > > I was not however able to get ample information to satisfy my curiosity. > > Is there a Kibology guru who will help me to be part of this awsome > > movement? > > Kibo's been really sweet and kind lately. Try him. Make sure you're > wearing brown leather. I'm a big huggy bear. I could just hug you and squeeze you until you explode! Except that I'm not a bear. But it's okay, I can put some pillows inside my leather jacket if you want me to be a bear. -- K. Also, everything I say is a lie, unless I'm holding the Truth Stick. It's made of transparent red plastic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Help! Someone introduce me to this Kibology thingy!! Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:26:53 -0500 Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (Sven-Thorsten.Fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hi, Sven-Thorsten! Do you like Ikea? Please forgive my crummy little > > Web site and its confusing attempts to confuse you. > > Yes, I like Ikea, but the nearest store closed some time ago. So there is no nearest store to you? Let me guess, the distance to it in inches was the smallest uninteresting number? (Note: For those still thinking about that question, the smallest uninteresting number is "1729".) > > I'm a big huggy bear. I could just hug you and squeeze you until > > you explode! > > > > Except that I'm not a bear. But it's okay, I can put some pillows inside > > my leather jacket if you want me to be a bear. > > Will you send me some pics? Sure. Here is a picture showing how a very stupid ninja tried to smuggle a shuriken through the airport by throwing it through the metal detector --> [*] Here is a picture of Kurt Vonnegut going through an airport metal detector --> [*] and here is a picture of him throwing a flying fish at a rolling doughnut --> * ><> o a doughnut is a popular Earth food, unlike the frozen "dessert-style pizza" from the supermarket, which is not legally allowed to call itself a dessert and is not popular or food. This paragraph ends with a word on a line by itself. -- K. Today I saw the airport security guard-style personnel inspect someone's laptop computer by throwing it onto the marble floor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Actual Concession Stand Conversation Yesterday Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:34:30 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Teen: Ma'am, the Combo #4 comes with an > O Henry" bar as this week's featured candy treat. > > Me: [pushing it away] No thank you, I can't have any candy > right now. > > Teen: [thinking hard, then brightening] Oh! Would you prefer the > Gummi Bunnies, then? > > AAARRRGGGHHHH. That's what I said -- at least the "AAARRRGGGHHHH." part -- when I tried those gummi bacon bears this weekend. I made a sound like "AAARRRGGGHHHH." except with added dimensions of pain, nausea, confusion, and regret because the gummi bacon bears tasted like a mixture of saccharin, liquid smoke, and wax. And there was so much saccharin that I couldn't taste the smoke, and there was also so much smoke that I couldn't taste the saccharin, so the result was that they tasted like wax except a billion times stronger and also bad. How they got this way remains a mystery because the ingredients did not list saccharin or any other chemical which 1950s magazine articles always described as "SO SWEET IT TASTES BITTER AND CANNOT BE EATEN BY HUMANS!" I would try feeding them to my dog Spot, but he's imaginary, so I don't know why I bought those. AAARRRGGGHHHH. -- K. From now on, all bacon-like items will be ranked on a scale from gummi bacon bears to real bacon. Bac*Os are near the middle because they suck except in comparison to the gummi bacon bears. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goodbye my fellow Kibologists Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:41:12 -0500 Sven-Thorsten Fahrbach (sven-thorsten.fahrbach@gmx.net) wrote: > > I will have to go through the agony of surviving two days without a.r.k. > (call it torture, call it recreation). I did that this weekend! I'm not sure whether I'd call it torture or recreation, but I do know that in all the shops in Dupont Circle I had to keep telling the shopkeepers that I already had that whip when I came in. > The only comforting thing is the knowledge that a.r.k. doesn't give a > pair of dingoes kidneys if I don't post to it in two days. They're all broken up over me travelling around to visit them all in person (in alphabetical order) instead of posting this weekend. -- K. Also, they're still laughing at my silly new cap that's a size too small and leaves a stripe on my forehead when I pull it down tight enough to make me only 6'8" counting the cap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: regarding those kissy-lipped urinals... Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 01:50:28 -0500 A followup to a news story from last week. (I was out of town this weekend so I hope nobody else already read this article on one of the hundreds of Web sites that has news.) [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Airline Halts Plan for Lip-Shaped Urinals -> -> NEW YORK (Reuters) - Virgin Atlantic Airways on Friday scrapped -> plans to install bright-red urinals shaped like women's open lips -> at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, saying it had -> received complaints they were offensive. The new urinals will be shaped like the face of Mike Myers as "The Cat In The Hat". This is because the idea of people _not_ peeing on him is offensive. -> "Virgin Atlantic was very sorry to hear of people's concerns about -> the design of the 'Kisses' urinals to be fitted into our clubhouse -> at JFK Airport. We can assure everyone who complained to us that -> no offense was ever intended," Virgin spokesman John Riordan said -> in a statement. ...issued while he was sitting on a toilet shaped like Fred Willard. And while getting a blumpkin. From Fred Willard. Who is sitting on a potty shaped like Potsie. Who is giving himself a blumpkin. -> Riordan said the British company received several dozen complaints -> from people and groups including the National Organization for -> Women after its plans for the urinals had been made public. -> NOW had posted a message on its Web site urging members to -> complain to Virgin chief Richard Branson. And who says the feminist movement has stagnated? They're still tackling important issues such as novelty bathroom fixtures! -> "I don't know many men who think it's cool to pee in a woman's -> mouth, even a porcelain one," said NOW President Kim Gandy on the -> group's Web site. She must have not visited too many other Web sites. If she hasn't used the Web enough to learn that it's full of perverts, then she shouldn't be allowed on the Web. -> The urinal, designed by a Dutch company, was the idea of a female -> designer. Annie Sprinkle? -> Riordan said Virgin was surprised by the negative reaction to -> the plan, part of designs for the lounge, built to pamper -> first-class customers. ...at Adult Baby Airlines, the only air carrier that lets their passengers make boom-booms without leaving their seats. Which are shaped like cribs. Also the in-flight snack is a baby bottle and a few spoonfuls of pureed pretzels. -- K. This article is almost all sentence fragments, because. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon gummi bears Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:28:47 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > Kibo brought some 'Mini Gummy Bear-BQ's' dog treats. [...] > > > > They look like your standard gummi bears and come in three flavors: > > 'savory beef bear', 'hickory bacon bear', and 'bbq chicken bear' (red, > > orange, and yellow). I tried one of the yellow ones. > > > > I thought eating it was bad enough -- it tasted completely awful and > > only got worse as mastication continued -- but it turned out that the > > bigger problems was that after I ate it the remnants stuck to my teeth > > and continued to impart its unique flavor to the left side of my mouth. > > Eating some corn chips helped. Oh, great, I was just forgetting the awful flavor of the part of one I ate and now you've made me remember that I can still taste the vile thing. > > From the reports of others it sounds like I got off lucky -- the yellow > > ones are actually the closest to being edible, with the red ones being > > substantially more vile. > > You forgot to mention that they are actually dog treats. Please, everyone, stop calling them "treats". ECCH! > It seems that people really will do what Kibo does, even if it means > eating dog treats. They probably figured I was playing some sort of Secret Backwards Boomerang Practical Joke Timesed By Infinity which involved me eating a horrible rotten dog gummi bear and then offering people perfectly normal cherry, orange, and lemon gummi bears to watch them not vomit. > I did not try one. AND I had Kibo begging me to give back his bottle > of hot sauce. I win! But I only got to drink about a third of it! -- K. I NEED MORE SPICE IN MY LIFE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bacon gummi bears Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 02:36:35 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > From the reports of others it sounds like I got off lucky -- the > > yellow ones are actually the closest to being edible, with the red > > ones being substantially more vile. > > I had a red one that I poured a glob of vinegar-based hot sauce onto, > creating a flavor that was... truly, um, unique. All I know is that > my ability to chew on it for a while, without immediately spitting it > out, impressed Kibo. It impressed me so much that I almost forgot to take you back to that Barnes & Noble bookstore to ask the clerk to grant us a divorce at the end of our wonderful weekend together. The little red gummi bear I bit into was truly the most awful-tasting thing I've ever had in my mouth, and remember, I've licked _every_ exhibit at the Museum Of Science. -- K. (Except for the biggest van de Graaf generator.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: While Out Today: Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:06:40 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Conversation with a Grocery Clerk: > > [sound of scanner] BEAK. BEAK. BAWK. > > [tries again]: BAWK. > > [clerk looks at me, ruffled] > > C: [waving cello-pak of produce at me} > Do you, um, know what this is called? > > Me: [unable to disguise my disdainful amazement] > ASPARAGUS??!!? > > C: [riffling through SKU code book] > Yeah, well sometimes they call it different things in here. Let's all help out Clerk Kent here by thinking up _all_ the different things asparagus spears can be called. I'll start: "Blue beans" (because "green beans" was already taken.) Once everyone's posted their synonyms, I'll forward the whole list to every grocery-store clerk in the world. Also everyone who has ever worked in a grocery store in any capacity, unless they were forced to work _behind_ the grocery store while standing in a big pile of rancid dairy products in the parking lot. -- K. Why were you buying asparagus that was packed inside a stringed instrument? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:18:02 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > He didn't like Rainforest Cafe. > > Funny. Andrew and I were at the Rainforest Cafe here in Toronto on > Friday night because my sister was in town with her kids and we ate > there with them. > > I'd rather be dead than work at the Rainforest Cafe. I'd rather be dead > than go there again on a fucking busy Friday night and fight my way > through hip-deep kids and angry parents trying to reach the hostesses so > we can get to our reserved table. Oh, I hate Rainforest Cafe far more than you do. In fact, right now, I hate them even more than I hate cheese. How much do I hate Rainforest Cafe and their asshole employees? I want to yank out all the employees' eyeballs with staple pullers and feed them to the poorly-painted two-headed plaster frog while it croaks "We think you're too stupid to notice that this frog has two heads and no butt." You should expect me to post a story (inspired by actual events) about me blowing up every one of the hundreds of Rainforest Cafes. It might take me a while to write it, because you'll have to wait for me to become sadistic enough. -- K. HATE HATE HATE HATE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:12:55 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, I hate Rainforest Cafe far more than you do. [...] > > How much do I hate Rainforest Cafe and their asshole employees? > > I want to yank [...] eyeballs [...] staple pullers [...] feed [...] > > frog [...] croaks [...] "stupid" [...] "no butt". > > I couldn't respect the employees for willingly working in that > environment, but I could pity them. And I did. We didn't get treated > poorly in a malevolent sort of way, but the service was poor because > they were rushed, overworked, and clearly unhappy. They just didn't want > to try any more. We, on the other hand, waited in line for twenty minutes to make a reservation. Then they told us to come back at a precise time an hour later. Which we did. Then we waited in another line for another half an hour. Only to find out that the reason things were moving so slowly was that they were making everyone go through this process just to be told that THE RESTAURANT HAD NO FUCKING FOOD. They were making people wait in line that long just so they could break the bad news to them one by one. You see, their gas line had been accidentally severed by construction workers (so they claimed.) Did they evacuate because of the major gas disruption? No. Did they close the restaurant because they couldn't cook? No. Did they at least try to inform people that they were completely wasting their time trying to eat there? No. They made everyone wait in line under the theory that if they were ravenously hungry enough they'd settle for Rainforest Cafe's new all-salad menu. (They offered us a choice of a cold salad or a cold turkey wrap.) The line was moving slowly because they were having to explain to everyone individually that there was no food because there was a major gas leak. I used to say that Rainforest Cafe was just Chuck E. Cheese for grownups with the mentality of toddlers, and with more annoying music. But now I know it's run by people who are... well... if you drew the dividing line between "incompetent" and "assholes", and then you waited on that line for most of your evening, you'd eventually get the idea how I feel. > > You should expect me to post a story (inspired by actual events) about > > me blowing up every one of the hundreds of Rainforest Cafes. It might > > take me a while to write it, because you'll have to wait for me to > > become sadistic enough. > > Can't wait! Then please take a number and wait amid these plastic plants and souvenir keychains and listen to the ear-splitting music that's blaring to cover the sound of all the screaming kids and the one guy yelling "THEY HAVE NO FOOD! WE! ARE! LEAVING!" to the other Kibologists. Stand there and wait for me to become at least as sadistic as the Rainforest Cafe so that I can write a story in which their employees get their faces pushed through a pasta machine. Why are we wasting our time hunting down Osama bin Laden when we should be dropping daisy cutters on Rainforest Cafe? -- K. Let's put it this way: If it was a choice between eating nothing but McDonalds food for the rest of my life or waiting in Rainforest Cafe's line one more minute, I'd start shoving hamburgers into my mouth and yelling "ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:22:46 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Friday, Saturday, and Sunday pictures are all jumbled up, but you get the > > idea. These are mostly from my camera and robert's camera, and a few from > > Muffy's camera, too. > > None of the pictures show Kibo's face. This is important. The reason > it's important is that Kibo values his privacy, and so long as no one > posts pictures of his face, he could be any of the thousands of bright > red bearded flogger-toting Michelin-man-wearing leathermen you see in > Boston, muttering typeface names as they walk past signs. Exactly. Photos of me are forbidden for that and several other reasons. Why would anyone need pictures? You can just draw a sketch of me from the description. Assuming, of course, that I haven't been lying all along. Note: I reserve the right to have been lying all along, especially if I turn out to be a black woman who lives in Utah and likes MS Comic Sans. -- K. And I'm not currently wearing the Michelin Man shirt, because a Senators jersey is required today. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Kibo at my house Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 03:27:24 -0500 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > He likes my cats. Yeah, even though one kept running away from me and the other one just kept ignoring me while he bumped into walls. > He didn't like Rainforest Cafe. As I hinted elsewhere, I am currently deciding whether to kill all the employees with bulldozers or toothpicks. Toothpicks would be more work, but might prolong the agony for several extra hours to allow me to get my money out of the ninety-nine-cent box of toothpicks I bought for the occasion. > his armor class is pretty good. My armor class is pretty good because I'm handsome bad, baby. > He needs a twevle step program for his hot sauce addiction. Hey, it's not an addiction! I can stop whenever the bottle's empty! > I'm very tired. Maybe it's your bed. Tell you what, next time I sleep over, I'll take the full-size bed, and you can sleep in the little girlie bed under the poster of the cloned puppies (except for the chihuahua, who couldn't be cloned because he was too ugly.) -- K. And why didn't you let me play in your crawlspace? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Quorn in the news Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 04:00:06 -0500 An update on everyone's favorite convenience food which I prefer to call "mildoot". [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Maybe it tastes like chicken, but activists aren't buying it -> -> By Rosie Mestel -> -> Refrigerated trucks trundle down the pretty country lanes laden -> with pale, doughy masses of fungus--32 tons or more a day. -> -> "Pure mycoprotein--good enough to eat, won't taste of anything, -> very bland," declares manufacturing manager Pete Willis, tearing -> off a golf ball-sized sample from a 2,000-pound glob. Never mind that -- how loud did it scream? -> Workers in white boots shepherd the fungal paste through a sea of -> vats and clanking machines that mix, press, slice and dice the raw -> dough. "dough"? Fungal mucus counts as "dough"? I guess that means my pet goldfish has a bad case of dough. -> What comes out at the end is a matter of perspective--luscious -> artificial meat patties that taste like juicy chicken, or -> dangerous vat-grown "vomit burgers" that are sickening many -> consumers. Why can't it be _both_? Maybe it's so "luscious" that it makes people vomit from lusciousness overload. -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that millions -> of Europeans have eaten for years. It entered the U.S. market in -> 2002 to rave reviews by consumers ...like the one where I said only a raving idiot would like the stuff? -> but was quickly met with a dogged anti-Quorn campaign by an -> influential consumer group, the Center for Science in the -> Public Interest. -> -> Michael Jacobson, the CSPI's executive director, claims that -> Quorn, which he derisively terms an "odious" mold-based product, -> makes people ill--and he wants every last nugget expunged from -> American soil. But that's how they make it! By expunging it from soil! -> He has started a "Quorn complaints" Web site, published anti-Quorn -> letters in medical journals and petitioned the Food and Drug -> Administration to yank the product. -> -> "It seems in the FDA's eyes severe vomiting, diarrhea and -> anaphylactic reactions do not constitute harm," Jacobson said. -> "I think that's pathetic." ...severe vomiting in the FDA's eyes? YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY! -> Quorn's makers, based in the Yorkshire town of Stokesley, say they -> are perplexed and irked over the complaints about what they call -> their "mushroom"-related product. Hey, it's mushroom-related! They're both carbon-based life forms! -> More than 1 billion servings of Quorn's 100-plus dishes have been -> eaten in Europe since the first savory pie was rolled out with -> pomp in 1985--with no known deaths. It must be good to eat, if they've never found the corpses of any of the people it ate from the inside. -> [...] -> -> "Quorn is about as far from natural as you can get," Jacobson -> recently wrote. "There is an abundance of healthful meat -> alternatives made with things that come from farms, like soybeans, -> mushrooms, rice. ... If you're going to sell a food that comes -> from a lab, a test tube or a giant vat, it should at least not -> make so many people sick." Is it okay if it comes from a tiny vat? -> Quorn is made from the fungus Fusarium venenatum, which consists -> of tiny, translucent strands. The fibers' thickness and branching -> patterns give Quorn a springiness and feel similar to animal -> muscle. ...at least from the point of view of people who can't tell a puddle of slime mold from their bicep. -> "Delish!" said vegetarian Heidi Johnson, 40, of La Crescenta, -> Calif., who relishes the Quorn nuggets. "I don't eat many -> meat-substitute products. ... Most of them taste awful or have a -> really disgusting consistency." "With this one, there's no flavor _or_ texture! It's what tofu would be if it were made from the mold that grows on rancid tofu!" -> Culinary accolades are not quite what Quorn's creators had in mind -> when they started work on the product in the 1960s. ...when mildew was first weaponized. -> News reports said a soaring world population would starve within -> decades unless a plentiful protein source was found. Petroleum and -> chemical companies began coaxing potentially edible yeasts, molds -> and bacteria to grow on nutrients such as sugar cane, cassava, -> petroleum waste and manure. HEY KIDS GUESS WHICH OF THOSE QUORN GROWS ON! -> J. Arthur Rank, then-chairman of the British food company Rank -> Hovis McDougall, set his scientists on the project--focusing on -> fungi, which are high in protein and already eaten by people as -> yeast and mushrooms. The scientists wanted to work on finding new ways to make real food, but then they were enlightened by famous nutritionologist J. Arthur Rank, who spent his life beating a gong in the opening titles of gladiator movies, -> Thousands of fungal samples -> -> The team tested thousands of fungal samples for their ease of -> growth, nutrition and texture. But the fungus they finally -> selected was British-grown, found in some soil right near the -> company's research center. ...above the septic tank. -> Rank's project survived long enough to hook onto the growing -> health movement. In 1985, after reviewing animal and human safety -> tests, the British government approved the sale of mycoprotein. -> -> When Quorn arrived in the United States 17 years later, -> health-food fans embraced its chicken-like taste. Well, if you count the eyeballs as part of the chicken. -> But a chill wind soon blew down the aisles of health-food stores. -> -> Group forces label change -> -> Curious about the new food, Jacobson noticed on Quorn's packages -> that the product was made of mycoprotein from "an unassuming -> member of the mushroom family." -> -> "We had never heard of mycoprotein but we looked into it and found -> that it was a synonym for mold," he said. myco-, muco-, what's the difference? -> The CSPI's first action against Quorn was to file a deceptive -> labeling complaint with the FDA. The American Mushroom Institute -> and Gardenburger, a maker of meatless soy and mushroom patties, -> enthusiastically joined the protest. And you don't want to piss off the American Mushroom Institute! They'll burn a fairy circle on your lawn! -> Jacobson won round one, and Quorn packages now bear the -> description: "from the fungi family--and a relative of mushrooms, -> truffles, and morel." -> -> Jacobson then studied an unpublished study by Quorn's makers in -> which 300 volunteers ate either mycoprotein or meat in identical -> sauces. He said his analysis showed 5 percent had some reaction to -> Quorn, such as nausea and vomiting. This study was based on a story by the Marquorn de Sade. A eats Quorn. B eats meat. Then A and B eat each other's [PERKY MUSIC PLAYS TO COVER UP THE GROSS PART] and they agree that that was better than eating Quorn. -> Critics say Jacobson has been kneading the facts a bit. -> -> For instance, the industry study cited by Jacobson revealed only -> one confirmed reaction to Quorn, said British consultant Gareth -> Edwards, who supervised the study. "We can't confirm your reaction to Quorn unless you agree to eat it 365 days a year for the next decade to see whether it gives you massive diarrhea every single day, or just 90% of the time." -- K. Quorn is nature's booger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quorn in the news Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:22:03 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that millions > > -> of Europeans have eaten for years. > > I think this sentence is about some alternate-reality Europe... even > if sometimes I reluctantly admit that Britain is rechnically a part > of Europe. Come taste the world-renowned wonders of British cuisine! IT'S NOT A PART, IT'S A PENINSULA!!! > Italian doesn't have separate everyday words for "fungus" and "mushroom", > although we could use "muco" or "mucillagine", that are pretty descriptive > already; you got to get slightly technical to underline the subtle > difference (now I ooze and now I don't). Therefore I think it would > be all right for us to eat Quorn, provided that anybody dares to market > it here. I need to check whether someone already has. It would be interesting to manufacture a dairy product with Quorn germs floating in it so that we could call it "muco moocow" and kids would drink it just because it would have a funny name, which is more important than the way it would taste like bleccccch. > > -> News reports said a soaring world population would starve within > > -> decades unless a plentiful protein source was found. Petroleum and > > -> chemical companies began coaxing potentially edible yeasts, molds > > -> and bacteria to grow on nutrients such as sugar cane, cassava, > > -> petroleum waste and manure. > > Actually, many insects are a perfectly good source of useful proteins. > This does not make me want to eat cockroaches, even if they turn out > to taste just like chickenroaches. You check first. I like how people freak out whenever they find out the difference between natural and artificial red colors in their candy. Natural red candy has things that look like ladybugs in it, or at least their exoskeletons. Artificial red candy is made from nice clean chemicals. Now choose! > > -> But the fungus they finally selected was British-grown > > I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!! Yet another fine product of British cuisine! > Forever gone are the times of beefsteaks and roastbeefs... welcome > quornsteak and roachbeef! Steak-and-kidney pie will be replaced by something gross, like steak-and-Quorn pie! > > myco-, muco-, what's the difference? > > A forked letter that ancient Greek had, but early Latin did not have. > > Speaking of Latins and their rotten, mouldy, yeasty substances, have you > ever wondered where the "gar" syllable in "vinegar" comes from? Allow me to reference the thousand articles I posted last year about the Latin word "garum". And trust me, eating a spoonful of garum is not as pleasant as drinking a big glass of vinegar. > Don't let them take all the FUN out of FUNGI! And don't let them take all the FUNGUS out of FUNYUNS! -- K. Suddenly I'm hungry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Benefits of being a spool. Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 14:29:16 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had dream this morning in which I was trying to communicate to > people this profound insight I had that it would be great to be a > spool because if I went back in time I could help my sock drawer > launch an attack against another sock drawer. I think you might have been eating the wrong Edward Gorey books. Also, you keep your socks in a drawer? Ha ha ha ha ha NERRRRRRRRD! Why would you need a whole drawer for just a pair of socks? Who are you, Martha frickin' Stewart? -- K. "Welcome to our pool. Notice there is no 's' in it..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 20:52:45 -0500 Okay, you tell me. What the hell does this pair of logos say, mean, or represent? I have attempted to render them as accurately as possible (complete with all the original misalignments) using my little keyboard: ### ##### ### ############# ##### ############ #### ### ### ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### ## # ## ### ### ### ### ## # ## ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### ### ### # ### ### #### ### ### ### ### ############# ##### ############ ##################################### ###################################### ##################################### ############### ############## ##### ############# ##### ##### ############ ##### ##### ############ ##### ############### ############## ##### ####### ####### ##### # ###### ###### ###### ### ########################################################################## #################################### ###### ############################## ################################## #### ############################ ############# ###### ###### ##### ##### That pair of logos was seen in the window of a store in Washington, D.C. I won't mention the name of the store because I don't want to prejudice you as to what you see (I have a theory that part of the store's name is hidden in the eyeglasses, but what the wavy lines below are is an absolute mystery.) What do you see in this pair of awful logos? If you have Internet access, go ahead and take a closer look: http://www.kibo.com/pix/mystery_sign_7866_small.gif (That's a high-contrast photograph I snapped while visiting Washington.) Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. This group of objects denies analysis. If Captain Picard were here, he'd agonize over whether it would be cruel to show this picture to the Borg to make their heads explode. This abstract composition is so weird- looking even Rudy Rucker wouldn't fantasize about having sex with it. So... what the hell is this stuff? Were these alien symbols designed by Nonsenso The Clown? Did a drunken William S. Burroughs create them by playing "52-Pickup" with Colorforms? Is this store insane, or so brilliant that I am unable to comprehend the cleverness of their logos? And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? -- K. Maybe it's a map of the secret subway they built so that in times of national emergency, Bob Hope could go to the White House. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 01:22:59 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, you tell me. What the hell does this pair of logos say, mean, > > or represent? > > Before reading even Kerri's response about the steamship, I write that it > looks to me like a bicycle leaning against a lamppost representing a name > starting with CHI, and a suggestion of cargo transport by air, sea, and > land, possibly representing the acronym SCAM or SMACK. So now, what > repressed memories of my mother does that reveal? I don't know, but I bet you're wearing Chi Pants. Speaking of chi (also known as qi), I just got an acupuncture toolkit (well, it's not real acupuncture, it's something weirder, but I'm sure it "works" just as well.) The broken English in the bilingual booklet says "This products are sold to qualified practitioners only," so this means that as I got this kit, I am officially qualified to perform acupuncture. The booklet also has a little diagram showing the location of point VU54 -- the one which cures hunchbacks. It's on the back of your right knee. (But what about legless hunchbacks?) That spot is also used to treat strokes, but for them you also have to cut up the tips of your fingers with a "bleeding knife". I guess a plain knife won't do. But what does this have to do with ugly logos? -- K. "Application on the entire body should be done once a day for a period of one month." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Strange Asian quack medicine (was: What the hell am I looking at?) Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 14:50:34 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That spot is also used to treat strokes, but for them you also have > > to cut up the tips of your fingers with a "bleeding knife". I guess > > a plain knife won't do. > > That seems a bit drastic, if you have to recover the Lance of Longinus > every time you want to treat a stroke. You'd be better off getting a > mystical artifact more directly related to healing. I know not of this Longines Space Watch with a Kreisler Watchband of which you speak. I assume you're making a reference to one of those games kids started playing on TV screens in December 2002. Other than that, my not-quite-acupuncture-because-real-acupuncture-doesn't- leave-giant-squid-marks gadget's instruction booklet also discusses using a "seven-star needle", whatever that is. (Even the Michelin Man only goes up to four stars.) Acupuncture and other things that involve mannequins covered in mysterious symbols showing which toe to hurt to cure a hare-lip are weird. I can understand that certain body parts (such as the soles of the feet, the ears, etc.) can produce interesting generalized analgesia when worked on in specific ways, but how can people even pretend there's any science or logic behind these crazy systems of "every disease is connected to one specific spot on the body nowhere near where that disease lives"? -- K. Also, the thing's carrying case has a snap with some Chinese corporation's inscrutable logo -- another conglomeration of English letters and other debris which I just can't puzzle out -- but it would be silly of me to try to turn this discussion of acu-hurting into a discussion of bad logos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Strange Asian quack medicine (was: What the hell am I looking at?) Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 22:53:55 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > a "seven-star needle", whatever that is. > > The one our acupuncturist used on my wife was a small hammer with seven > needles arranged in a hexagon about 4mm apart. It's tapped repeatedly > without (ideally) puncturing the skin, mostly to stimulate blood flow. Oh! I know what those are. Long skinny shaft, metal head with seven spikes on one end and just one on the other end. And blood flow ain't the only thing they stimulate, baby. > > [...] but how can people even pretend there's any science > > or logic behind these crazy systems of "every disease is connected to > > one specific spot on the body nowhere near where that disease lives"? > > I don't pretend, I'm just glad it taught me to breathe. I thought the doctor usually did that by holding you upside down and spanking you. Surely you must remember having that done to you! -- K. I thought a seven-star needle would be something like a ten-penny nail or other thing that sounds like a tarot card crossed with something ouchy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 13:59:40 -0500 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > ##################################### > > ###################################### > > ##################################### > > ############### > > ############## ##### > > ############# ##### ##### > > ############ ##### ##### > > ############ ##### ############### > > ############## ##### ####### ####### > > ##### # ###### ###### > > ###### ### > > ########################################################################## > > #################################### ###### ############################## > > ################################## #### ############################ > > > > ############# > > ###### ###### > > ##### ##### > > If you go under that first block and punch it--and you will need to run > at it and perform a ducking slide if you are Super Mario--you'll get an > invincibility star that will help you get past that spiny which is just > after the drop to get in to the castle to complete the level. I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. It's something about one of those new electronic games, like "Simon", right? Is it "Blip"? "Digital Derby"? > Mind you, your princess is in another castle. That goes without saying. As is the ways these games always make certain assumptions about the player's preferences. Some knights might prefer to ignore the silly princess and all her sparkly lace fru-fru and head right for another knight or maybe the wicked queen with the magic whip. And what's with Lara Croft's breasts? Why did she get those implants if she spends all her time solving jumping puzzles? Also, what the hell is the backstory behind all those abandoned ancient warehouses filled with jumping puzzles and eternally-moving blocks over bottomless pits? I seldom see jumping puzzles in real life, even though I live just a couple miles from the Big Dig! -- K. And why is she called "Ms. Pac-Man" but her husband isn't "Mr. Pac-Woman"? Those yellow circles reinforce gender stereotypes, especially in kids who are yellow and spherical! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:26:18 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), > > and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. This > > group of objects denies analysis. > > Simple. They sell eyeglass frames that break really easily. So they are > shysters, but they are *honest* shysters because they've told you the risks > in a subliminally-decodable fashion. I'd just like to add that I thought I was typing "defies analysis" but I think "denies analysis" sort of works too. So they sell fragile eyewear that tries to keep you from asking it about its childhood. > > Is this store insane, or so brilliant that I am unable to comprehend > > the cleverness of their logos? > > They are so clever that they realised if they thought up an incomprehensible > logo, some joe would advertise it worldwide free of charge to millions of > people who would find them fascinating. I am not a lowercase joe! Also, I'm going to send them a bill for this. > > And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? > > Because using "*"s would have looked stupid. Again with the Vonnegut porn. Can't you people think about anything else? > > Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? > > Must...control...keyboard...fingers.... Just go ahead and type "No, you're a genius" like you better want to. -- K. lowercase joe with a capital temper ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:21:24 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note the small gaps in the eyeglasses (with more gaps on the right side), > > and the odd scalloped corners in whatever the other thing is. > > The top one means "We have Information about unusual variations in eyeglass > rivet styles!" and the lower merely translates this into Syriac, with the > expected chrestomathy approaching in the distance. You know, before the Internet happened, I would have had to stop and look up "chrestomathy" in the dictionary. But now, thanks to the Internet, I can just post a reply without having to know what the big scary word means. "Dear curator, your chrestomathy smells like cheese!" "What's the difference between a dentist and chrestomathy? Damper magazines!" "Bob Hope killed by chrestomathy, film at 11 projected on the giant chrestovision screen at the Downtown Chrestodome." "In space, nobody can hear you chrestomathize!" "So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his chrestomathy..." > Eyes open: Turkish-style capital "I", with a dot above it, seems to be > cropping up everywhere these days. Always has, always will. Just like backwards Roman "U"s and ampersands shaped like plus signs. Jan Tschichold would be rolling in his grave if he weren't dead! -- K. Your chrestomathy is no match for my blessed +5 vorpal ethereal mithril plate mail with electrified hockey gloves! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:33:23 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > > > Eyes open: Turkish-style capital "I", with a dot above it, seems to be > > > cropping up everywhere these days. > > > > Always has, always will. > > I only noticed this on uncountably many handwritten specials of the day > after I had a math prof from Rumania who wrote in all caps, but dotted the > I's. This doesn't annoy me because I used up all my rage at the people who > don't capitalize the "I" when they talk about themselves and aren't they > the most self-absorbed people of all. ME? SELF-ABSORBED? i DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Also, I'm better than self-absorbed. I absorb other people, too. (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching down the street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > Better: I also had a Japanese teacher who thought that thorn was still a > letter outside of Iceland. This did not lead to the restoration of Our > Nordic Heritage on the white and chalk boards of Our Nation's lunch > counters. Wow. It's like if Brett Somers from "Match Game" (always writing backwards, thorn-shaped "y"s on those blue cards) was on "Pink Lady & Jeff" to give us "Pink Lady & Brett", the most horrible thing that COULD have happened in the Seventies. -- K. I gain more respect for Charles Nelson Reilly every time Brett Somers says something stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:59:39 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching down the > > street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > > Tony Cadena and Rikk Agnew did this better than you. I don't know who Tony "The Chain" Cadena and Rikk "Veep" Agnew are. Are they the World Champions Of Ameba Tag or something? Or just some adolescents you know? Either way, I assure you that I have _never_ lost a game of Ameba Tag. However, I don't remember what my Twister record is, since I haven't played it since about age nine. And that's the wrong age for Twister. You have to be old enough to realize that it should involve extra groping! -- K. I'd have to wear the gloves to play Ameba Tag with you people, because some of you guys have super cooties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 22:14:56 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Looking at it some more, this bit: > > ##################################### > ###################################### > ##################################### > > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### > ##### # > ###### ### > ######################################################################## > ################################### ###### ############################# > ################################# #### ########################### > > sort of looks like a really stylized pre-electricity iron, or maybe one > of those metal things that they put on top of the bacon at the Tastee > Diner so that the bacon would remain flat while becoming crispy. At a real truckers' diner, the cook would just use the palms of his hands. Also, I think it looks more like a curling stone, except for its shape. > And this: > > ############# > ###### ###### > ##### ##### > > , of course, is a pair of sunglasses. Could you buy tiny grilled > sunglasses at whatever emporium this appeared on? Grilled? No. Also, the top half of the logo already looks like a pair of pince-nez, and it wouldn't be right to mix seventeenth-century and twentieth-century eyewear on the same sign. -- K. Rule one of logo design: If NOBODY can figure out what the name of your business is, you're more hosed than Benny Hill's garden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 23:02:53 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > [. . .] maybe one of those metal things that they put on top of the > > > bacon at the Tastee Diner so that the bacon would remain flat while > > > becoming crispy. > > > > At a real truckers' diner, the cook would just use the palms of his hands. > > I know this probably makes me seem all parochial and wimpy, but the cook > at the Tastee Diner was the first guy I ever saw who actually had a > 'MOM' tattoo. Ha ha, you're so gay for looking! > Anyway. Was the name of the business CHIC=) ? If so, that's the worst > emoticon I've ever seen. Yeah, actually, it was "Chic Optics". I've been figuring those glasses are supposed to say "CHiC". I think the left third of the eyeglasses are "C", the middle third is "H" with "i" in front of it, and the second "C" is sticking out from behind the "H" to account for the extra gaps on the right. That leaves a ")" left over at the right. I can't make the other blob into "OPTiCS", though. I can't even make it into a smiley that's been through the Transporter accident from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". ("Enterprise... what we put on the sign... didn't live long... fortunately.") [a short interruption ensues when Charles Nelson Reilly says a series of perverted things on "Match Game '75" which I transcribe for future use. "I'm trying to make it a provocative, charming game." -- Charles] Where were we before Charles kept changing the subject to kinky stuff? Oh, right, a guy was cooking bacon and you were watching his tattoos and not the yummy, delicious, tasty bacon. What sort of weirdo can take his eyes off the bacon? -- K. Also, it's really a "WOW" tattoo when he's in his favorite position. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 22:02:51 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That pair of logos was seen in the window of a store in Washington, D.C. > > The top one is either "OHiO" or, more likely, "OrcHiD", made into a pair of > handcuffs for a stick person. So it's a store that sells bondage gear made entirely from orchids, open only on New Year Day's so that people who like bondage better than football will have a place to shop if they get any kinky ideas while watching the Rose Bowl Parade? That's a bad idea for a store! Also it would be over in Dupont Circle near the Church Of Scientology, but this sign was in a different part of town, where they only have army surplus shops instead of bondage shops. > The bottom one is a riverboat traveling westward, though it's shipping water > just past the smokestack, from New Mexico into Arizona, and in fact Arizona > _is_ west of New Mexico. So which part of the logo is Four Corners? Alternative theory: Kurt Vonnegut drew this by accident while trying to draw a map of his Eight Corners. > I think you've found a store that sells inflatable Scott Kim kits. I tried turning the logo upside down, but instead of it becoming an ambigram, it became a Feynman diagram of the interaction between a quark and a roomful of mousetraps loaded with stink bombs. > > And why did I spend so much time trying to re-create them with "#"s? > > Am I a moron for doing more work on their ugly logos than they did? > > Did you ... colorize them? They had a blue neon version of the eyeglasses part of the logo (the logo was in at least four places in their front window, always drawn with all the same deformities.) So I know the logo is already blue. You should see the font the name of the store was typeset in on their big sign. It's like if "Battlstar Galactica" was made during an even worse version of the '70s. Rounded biforms with racing stripes and two different versions of "C". Oops, oh, what a giveaway! Now you've accidentally gotten a hint that the name of the store contains at least two "C"s. -- K. "Crapco"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:50:50 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, you tell me. > > Hmm. Well, the top thing probably spells something. But I don't know what. No fair cheating and introducing "On Beyond Zebra" letters. > The bottom thing looks like a steamship, with a birdy flying around, a > little wave lapping at the side of the ship, and a fish underneath it. So do you think it's a cruise line? I doubt that -- the logo doesn't look like it was designed by anyone particularly cruisy. The only gay guys with no design skills are busy on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". > Or it could be a really weird toilet. You could say that about anything! Except for a normal-looking toilet. Which I guess could still be really weird if it came to life and chased you around while playing "Yakety Sax" and blowing soap bubbles. And even that would be a better logo for a store. -- K. "Honey, will you drive me to Killer Toilet?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:39:23 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > [...] this little baby came along: > > barefoot bedridden manumission meier fallible > > These words are begging to be made into a short story of some sort, but > it's sort of a weak and pathetic begging That's "it's sort of a weak and pathetic begging, SIR!" > and I'm not really all that tempted to give in. You better play along anyway if you know what's good for you. > Plus with being barefoot and bedridden and all the story would > have to be somewhat kinky and I don't remember how any of that > stuff should go these days. OBLIGATORY STORY, AS KINKY AS DEAN LIKES IT "Yes, Sir!" said Dean Lenort, but his tongue had gone numb from eating a pound of haw flakes from Chinatown, so it came out as "Yes, Sid!" instantly transforming his cruel master into Sid Meier, programmer of the games "Sid Meier's Civilization", "Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri", and "Sid Meier's Strip Mall Containing Only Porn Stores"! The last one didn't sell, especially since Toys R Us mistakenly priced it at $99,999.99 instead of $.99, so Sid went broke and had to sell off some of his personal possessions, including Dean Lenort. But he couldn't get even 99 cents for Dean, who was in poor health, bedridden from eating too many Froot Loops on an empty stomach. Because Sid could neither sell Dean not afford to keep Dean, he gave dean his manumission, and sent him out into the cold, cruel world, barefoot. Dean said a tearful thank-you and then walked down the long gravel path to the bus stop. -- K. Then, nine months later, his little baby came along. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 14:43:45 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Scott Burley (scottburley@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > I just got a spam from "Norman Abrams" with subject "i love you". > > I'm still trying to think of a way to tell him that, while I like > > and respect him and really enjoy his show, plaid just isn't my thing. Dear Mr. Scott Very Burley, If you're looking for a butch guy who never wears plaid (or stripes or any other patterns), give me a minute to strap on my tool belt and I'll be right over. (I like my colors the same as I like my men -- solid.) > While your spammer may have his own TV show, I maintain my fake spammer > names are the bestest spammer names EVAR! > > This week's crop: > > Showroom R. Frizziest > Shopkeeper L. Zings > Smidgeons D. Forlorn > Englishwomen K. Memoir > Caterer P. Sauntering > Eyestrain A. Stipples > Wombats H. Effluent Let's see if I can use all those names in a short story! STORY OF THE SPAM -- or -- LOWERCASE I LOVE LOWERCASE YOU Copyright (C) 2004 James "Kibo" Parry All rights reserved. Dewey Decimal Number 1000. Showroom are frizziest shopkeeper hell zings smidgeons the forlorn Englishwomen, 'kay? Memoir caterer pee sauntering eyestrain a stipples wombats itch effluent. THE END! I apologize for having to use two whole sentences instead of one, but that's because I was writing for clarity. How else could I earn a Dewey Decimal Number that high? They're assigned by the author's IQ test score, you know! -- K. I wonder if this will be a light or a heavy gravity day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:21:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > I got the subject "Hi there_Bea Arthurs Dick". > > I can neither improve on that nor comment on it. I hope you thanked the spammer for giving you such a great new nickname for all of us to call you from now on. It's even a great set of initials -- you could get a monogrammed shirt that says "B.A.D." Sincerely, Mr. Awesome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Muppet news flash! And this time it's serious! Date: Wed, 24 Mar 2004 14:21:54 -0500 Hi ho, I'm Kibo the bozo, here with a Muppet News Flash! [from story.news.yahoo.com:] -> -> Muppets Bringing Peace to the Middle East Oh, good. I'm sure those socks with eyes will succeed because a few thousand years' worth of everyone else trying hasn't worked at all. I fully expect the Count to have lots of fun counting the hundred Nobel Peace Prizes he's about to receive for solving all world problems forever. -> By Sasha Levy -> -> TEL AVIV, Israel (Hollywood Reporter) - Where countless -> politicians and diplomats have failed, Elmo, Cookie Monster and -> their "Sesame Street" buddies are on a mission to promote peace -> and tolerance in the Middle East. Elmo runs around drawing on walls. Cookie Monster steals cookies. And Elmo keeps screaming while Cookie Monster keeps bellowing. Not exactly good role models for a calm, law-abiding society. More like a brightly-colored, furry version of Project Mayhem on angel dust. -> A programming experiment using the Muppet characters was launched -> six months ago and was widely welcomed by parents, educators and -> the media. But the Muppets are not without their critics in -> Israel, the Palestinian Authority and Jordan. Not to mention Statler and Waldorf. -> Sesame Workshop partnered with local producers to create "Sesame -> Stories," an adventurous initiative to use new and existing -> "Sesame Street" characters to foster respect and understanding -> among children in the region. -> -> Gary Knell, president and chief operating officer of Sesame -> Workshop, says in an interview that producers knew that not -> everybody would be open to the idea of Elmo & Co. teaching Israeli -> kids to respect Palestinians and vice versa. -> -> "It's a highly charged environment, and the press is going to -> reflect some of that," Knell says. "Yes, some Israeli reports -> accused us of being lackeys of the Palestinians, while another -> article accused us of being lackeys of the Bush White House and -> charged that Elmo was carrying the will of the White House to the -> Middle East. A Jordanian Internet site accused us of being Zionist -> lap dogs." And yet nobody's accused them of just trying too damn hard? This on a TV show that was recently dumbed down so far that it now only attempts to teach one letter a day instead of two. Remember when "Sesame Street" used to be "brought to you by the letters Q and R"? Well, they recently reduced the educational value of the show by a factor of two. -> Knell stresses that the majority of media reports about the -> Muppets experiment had been positive. Headline: "ALL WAR TO END FOREVER, BECAUSE WAR MAKES BABY KERMIE CRY." -> [...] -> Daniella Hellerstein, whose family emigrated to Israel three years -> ago from the United States, says she encourages four young kids to -> watch the show. -> -> "I like the overall message -- tolerance and respect -- and I -> support the effort 100%," she says. But she adds: "My children -> don't completely appreciate the point of the characters -- they -> don't differentiate between the Jewish and Arab characters." Is Miss Piggy Jewish or Arab? And what _is_ that thing around Kermit's neck? In any case, if the kids can't tell the Jewish hand puppets from the Arab hand puppets, they should make the puppets more stereotypical. -> [...] -> Sesame Workshop's Knell says that there have been problems other -> than inflammatory media reports to overcome during the past -> months. Just living and working in such a highly charged -> environment is a challenge for the producers. -> -> [...] -> "Then one of the Palestinian writers -- on his way to a production -> meeting -- was strip-searched in the street by Israeli soldiers. -> Now you know he's not coming into that meeting in a good mood." Hey, there's an easy solution. Hire a writer who doesn't mind being strip-searched. I'd also like to point out that I have a degree in writing. What's the salary? -- K. I need to start flying into National Airport more often. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Screwiest event in the whole "gay marriage" dance so far Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 01:38:39 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from CNN.com:] > > > > > > PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) -- In a new twist in the battle over > > > same-sex marriage roiling the United States, a county in Oregon has > > > banned all marriages -- gay and heterosexual -- until the state > > > decides who can and who cannot wed. > > This fills me with great glee. Which fills you with glee, the fact that Oregon has ordered gay people to live in sin just like the straights, or the way I accidentally hit "Post" before I started typing in my comments on that and then when I cancelled the incomplete article, the defective one somehow escaped onto the Internet but the completed one never showed up anywhere? For the record, here's the article I was trying to post: //// RE-post! RE-post! RE-post! ///////////////////////////////////// [from CNN.com:] -> -> PORTLAND, Oregon (Reuters) -- In a new twist in the battle over -> same-sex marriage roiling the United States, a county in Oregon has -> banned all marriages -- gay and heterosexual -- until the state -> decides who can and who cannot wed. So... all married people have to leave the county? And it's now a swinging singles county? Woo-hoo! I'd go there, if only it weren't there instead of here. -> [...] -> -> "It may seem odd," Benton County Commissioner Linda Modrell told -> Reuters in a telephone interview, but "we need to treat everyone -> in our county equally." But then how will she ever marry her favorite person, Diana Moon Glampers? -- K. (Good satire always comes true.) //// END repost! END repost! END repost! ///////////////////////////// Hmm, I guess that wasn't worth reposting. I'd better cancel some other article to prevent this one from propagating. The Internet works that way now. It's stupider than trying to cure hunchbackism with a gun that makes two-inch-wide doughnut-shaped hickeys! Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. -- K. The result would just be a hunchie who looks like he just fought a giant squid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Screwiest event in the whole "gay marriage" dance so far Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 15:00:09 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which fills you with glee, the fact that Oregon has ordered gay people > > to live in sin just like the straights, > > Yes! Maybe that county in Oregon will keep up this ban on straight and gay marriages (so as not to discriminate against anyone more than anyone else) for a third of a year, so that someone can write a farce about it titled "The 120 Days Of Solomon", and then it'll get made into a DVD that will trade for $600 a copy on eBay because people have heard it's several hundred times more interesting than it actually is. The only movie I might ever pay over $100 to find a rare copy of might be "The Phynx". That would be the holy grail of bad movies worth mocking, assuming the master print still exists somewhere and the legends of its badness and celebrity cameos are true. I bet it would be like "The Apple" only about ten times more ridiculous. > > or the way I accidentally hit "Post" before I started typing in > > my comments on that and then when I cancelled the incomplete article, > > the defective one somehow escaped onto the Internet but the completed > > one never showed up anywhere? > > That fills me with whipped cream and powdered dog hair. And how is that different from glee? Everyone knows that glee is made from whipped cream and powdered dog hair. No, wait, that's glue. -- K. I eat glee! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I dream of Zixia with the sandy blond hair Date: Thu, 25 Mar 2004 15:38:36 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > So I had this dream last night, right? About Zixia, only I kept calling > him Paul... No, it wasn't that sort of dream. For some reason he and I > were going to a supermarket with a bunch of other people, who may or may > not have been any number of other kibologists, but don't get excited > because they don't figure in to the plot at all. I call dibs on being the tall one in the ill-fitting hat. > Anyway, we're trundling along through the aisles in a group. As w get to > the back of the store, Zixia/Paul sees a back hallway that leads in to a > room. The room is presumably the worker's break room. I call dibs on never being in a supermarket break room ever again for the rest of my life. I could never see what was so great about the Great American market when I worked there. > Zixia/Paul goes in, and less than 10 seconds later all hell breaks loose. > > Flashing red lights descend from the ceiling, the room starts shaking, and > I start yelling "run, run, everybody get out of here". Panic ensues. At > this point I just KNOW that Zixia/Paul is responsible for all of this, and > boy am I annoyed. A the rest of us get clear of the store, I look back > in time to see Zixia/Paul leap out the front door and tuck into a dive > roll just as the supermarket explodes. Dammit, I keep inviting friends to go shopping with me (for me, a supermarket is an amusement park) but things like this never happen. (If anyone in the Boston area would like to go on a non-exploding grocery run, you know where to reach me.) Anyway, your dream is clearly plagiarized from "The Ben Stiller Show". You'll be hearing from his lawyers. Or, if I'm at the market with you, maybe you'll just be hearing from Vaughn. NEITHER OF US IS A ROBOT!!! -- K. Also, I call dibs on everything on the hot sauce aisle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I dream of Zixia with the sandy blond hair Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 00:42:23 -0500 [I tried to post this earlier today, but hopefully things are working better now.] I just wrote: > > I call dibs on everything on the hot sauce aisle. You may see multiple copies of that article, because I was having trouble posting it (and it first seemed none of the attempts were working, and now multiple copies are belatedly showing up, and now I'm having similar trouble posting cancellation messages for the extra copies.) However, this should in no way affect the legal status of my dibs on all the hot sauce in the world. Also, White Castles, bacon, and... hey, I just figured out what I want for dinner. White Castle bacon hot sauce burgers. Blackberry jam's good on White Castles, too, but it might be a little too much to combine that with bacon and hot sauce. I think I have some jam here if you folks would like me to try it, though. -- K. Also, I call dibs on eating whatever the heck I want, whenever I want. The next person who tries to take away my hot sauce will be punished! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 00:40:04 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > We got an important memo today at work, stating that effective > immediately we had to keep our potted plants under control. No > exhuberant plants allowed - no vining, nothing that smells, and most of > all, no dangling. If the plant dangles then you must trim it or dispose > of it. Do they define "dangles" in legal terms? Is there some quantitative measure of dangleness, possibly using a danglometer or a dangloscope? > A co-worker's plant dangled about 1.5 inches below the table top, and > she was told to trim it. When she joked about it, she was taken into > her boss' office and told that she better not continue to make fun of > the rule, lest she be fired. > Someone stop the mad plant dangler before she strikes again! Oh, if I were there, I'd get fired so fast 'cause I'd be putting dangly non-plant things in pots just to play with the minds of the Plant Rule Enforcer Squad. > You know, this is the job I want to have. I want to be the person who > gets to sit around trying to come up with idiotic memos about plants to > reduce morale. But it's good for the plants' morale to know that they take priority over the puny humans! -- K. This person who tried to forbid dangling -- did they also ban foot-long weiners? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 13:47:12 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > will be made from soy." Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers who are three years old. They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny out ourselves? -- K. (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:44:21 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > > > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > > > will be made from soy." > > > > Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many > > of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% > > biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers > > who are three years old. > > > > They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > > I think they know you'd prefer the balloons made from leather. Um... actually, no. > > > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. > > > > That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked > > into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, > > or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny > > out ourselves? > > The saddest part is: I thought of the 'joke' the night before and > specifically ordered the edamame to set it up. NOT! FUNNY! ENOUGH! (sound of brain being reached into) Next time someone tell you to be funny, you better be at least twice as funny as a big pile of whipped-cream-covered Morks with Groucho Marx on top. I'm still waiting for the funny. Seltzer yourself and make with the funola! > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > Does this imply you have normal moods? > > For instance, do you ever walk down the aisle at the market and think, > "Hey, I'm not at all curious about what that [odd japanese product, > doggie treat, yo-yo] tastes like."? As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. The blister pack's cardboard backing was a drawing of Leonard Nimoy giving the "nano-nano" sign so that the yo-yo was in his hand. Sadly, it was only as much fun as a regular stupid yo-yo, and did not grant me awesome space yo-yo powers. It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it smelled really gross. -- K. Sort of like vinyl, except bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stinky Spock Yo-Yo (was: Plant Dangler) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:40:54 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" > > "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. [...] > > > > It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted > > like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it > > smelled really gross. > > Unlike Leonard Nimoy in real-life, who always smells of bacon and lilacs. Logic is a bouquet of pretty flowers that smell like Leonard Nimoy. Logic is a little birdie yo-yoing in a tree. Logic is the stuff that holds the chest hairs together in your shower drain. Logic is the secret ingredient in no curries anywhere. Logic is the opposite of a marshmallow. Logic always goes down the wrong escalator. Logic is deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside and farts outside. And speaking of colors that smell bad, I just bought a jar of a new shade of hair dye. It's either "Deathly Nightshade" or "Deadly Nightshade" depending on whether you go by the piece of cardboard with sample hair taped to it, or the printing on the jar. It's a sort of very dark maroon/burgundy according to the hair-clippings card but when I opened the jar, the lid's cardboard liner was stained more of a magenta/purple berry color. I'm hoping I'll get more of a maroon than a purple, but we'll have to see what happens. In any case, it should stain my skin in interesting bruise-like ways. If you bump into me tomorrow and the tops of my ears are purple, remember, NOBODY CLOBBERED ME. -- K. However, you should not draw any conclusions about whether or not I clobbered anyone else, especially if they laughed at my yo-yo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:21:18 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > That sentence contains an extraneous preposition, indefinite article, > and noun. My sentence is correct. Therefore you are wrong and must be forced to apologize. And if you apologize too early and take all the fun out of it for me, I'm going to make you VERY SORRY. Because, you see, I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD. -- K. My mood ring just exploded! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ben-hur parody Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 15:08:52 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Bestest commercial evar: Ben-Hur as performed by elementary school > children. Yeah, I love that Turner Classic Movies one. Apparently the idea is that their channel is so good that you should let your kids watch it so that they'll get Roman on each other's asses. Because turning your kids brutal is better than letting them watch that crap on the Disney channel. They should do one of those commercials for "Spartacus" too. Anyway, yeah, it's more fun to watch kids crushing each other with chariots compared to the boring old Passion plays kids put on in church. Those usually just induce giggling during the torture scenes, but the scenes in between are torture for the audience. Kids just can't act, even though they're good at hurting each other for our cheap laughs! Compare the classic Turner Classic Movies "Ben-Hur" parody commercial to the ones for the other Turner channels, which have laaaaaaaaaaame movie parodies acted out by freakin' chimps. CHILDREN ARE FUNNIER THAN CHIMPS EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE NOT ANY SMARTER! -- K. So when does "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" come out on DVD? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:53:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > "Albertsons Inc. increased its nationwide footprint Friday by > announcing a nearly $2.5 billion purchase of Shaw«s Supermarkets, a > chain based in New England." Shaw's acquired Star a few years ago (hence my old Prudential Star because The Shaw's At Prudential) and Albertson's owns Safeway and various other things, including Trader Joe's. In other words, they own almost everything that Supervalu, Food Lion, and Disney don't. > The dead-tree version of the story includes a picture of the Shaws > Market near/in/under the Prudential Building. You know, the market > designed by I. M. Pei. I thought that market was designed by Pablo Picasso after he drank a quart of Sterno after he had been dead for fifty years after having his brain crushed by a giant robot that wanted him to design a crazy-shaped supermarket with four-dimensional aisles. > Soon, you and I will be shopping at the same grocery store, though not > in the same city, and not necessarily at the same time. It goes > without saying that we will be buying different stuff. From now on, I'm buying all my staples at 7-Eleven. Or the gas station that has the good burritos. -- K. I wonder who owns Bampy's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 22:37:32 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...grocery receipt...] > > > > Grecian Formula 16 7.99 > > Only in a newsgroup dedicated to a man with Tiger Lily colored hair who > tries the most disgusting foods imaginable would someone both admit to > this purchase and call it "groceries." It's only been Tiger Lily for the past week. Before then, I had been using Infra Red (I had planned to use Tiger Lily, but the colors weren't behaving.) And there have been two days in the past two weeks when I had golden hair (as in metallic yellow, not as in blond) but nobody got to see me. The Tiger Lily is a nice bright orange, but it's a bit light for my pale complexion and current dark couture, so I'd like to go with a reddish-black or orangish-black. I might even consider dark blue. I'm still using Electric Lava on my beard, but I think I want a more blood-like maroon. Problem is, none of the Manic Panic colors gives me a good dark red (as opposed to pink or orange) and of course all brilliant red hair coloring fades out very fast (bright red dyes aren't as stable as, say, blues.) I may also just shave my head again (especially as my pricey new hat is too small and I can't find a good way to stretch it.) And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. They just don't go with my current look. -- K. I am not a nerd! I am a robot! No, wait... I am not a robot! I am a 6'7" Space Viking! With a 50000 foot boat of clear steel! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:07:33 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, > > my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. > > Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > after, though. I don't mind "does not compute", it's just that one pair of nerd glasses can completely overwhelm everything else. Maybe mirrorshades would help? -- K. I've catalogued four types of reaction so far. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:16:31 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > > > ***THUD*** > > Kibo, make that five types of reaction. Yeah, I think we'll score that in the "win" column. I got a nice new one today when I was on my way to buy a handful of little padlocks. Since the weather was nice, I was wearing my leathers and sentry cap, the sort of hat that practically has a neon sign sticking out of it saying "THAT type of leatherman! THAT type of leatherman!" This guy ahead of me on the "up" escalator turned around, pointed to the general vicinity of my midriff (from about three feet away) and said, "I like that." I said "Thanks." He said "I envy you. I really do." I suspect he was just trying to say "Leather makes you look cool," not coming onto me. (Folks with his skin color don't usually enjoy pretending situations which could involve whips or calling someone "master".) He didn't have that special look in his eye, didn't trigger my sadar at all. He just liked my leathers in a platonic way. Bless his innocent little heart for admiring my handsomeness for wholly non-perverted reasons. My beauty is admired by all, even nice vanilla folks. -- K. "I envy you" will be hard to top, though I do expect a "Holy shit!" within a week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:13:39 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > > > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > > > after, though. > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > ***THUD*** Uh oh, my "does not compute" attitude just broke Darla. She fell off the floor again. Sorry, Darla, I didn't mean to make you crash and burn. I guess now wouldn't be the right time to tell you about the boots I recently ordered. These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! You know, their stuff is so gay it's gotta be unintentionally gay, because real gay people never get that gay. We're talking ruffled pirate shirts and bike shorts with padded crotches and brocaded frock-coats and stuff. But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". These boots have big thick masculine soles. Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ four-inch heels. Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, but these boots could cover an entire White Castle, not that you'd be able to look down and see it from that far up. Maybe I should get a periscope so I'll be able to see what I'm stomping on. Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if you count all the leather, which you'd better. When I get the boots I'll have to measure myself by putting them on and going to the convenience store, assuming the stickers by the door go up to 6'8". (One of the local ones put up their stickers two inches low, so I should measure myself at that one. Better yet, I should just rob it, since I could prove in court that I'm not 6'10". That would be just ridiculously tall.) -- K. I predict I'm going to be spending a lot of time standing in front of a mirror practicing saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 23:58:35 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were > > in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from > > International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! > > So faggy it's VIRILE! Uh-oh, I'm going to tell Mr. Garrison you said the f-word without getting bleeped. I think we just learned something about you. Hey, Mark, did you MOW the lawn today? Do you like to MOW the lawn? MOW? Get it? MOW? Didja get it, or didja MOW it? > > But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. > > [...] The brand is "Destroy". > > "Destroy" is the user instructions. One-third of them. The pamphlet says "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" They also sell a shampoo which is "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Repeat! Dilute! OK!" Thankfully, those instructions are easier to follow than the competing brand of shampoo, where the directions are just "Repeat!" > > These boots have big thick masculine soles. > > VIRILE! Butch, bucko. > > Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. > > VIRILE! Butch, bonzo. > > Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ > > four-inch heels. > > VIRILE! Butch, Boraxo. > > Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, > > THOSE AREN'T GRAPES! And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." Then the girl threw his grapes on the floor and stepped on them. The classroom was nearly silent -- the grapes just let out a little wine. -- K. Wny does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? BECAUSE HE LIKES IT! And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? Do you want to MOW the fifth grade? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:17:32 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of > > the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying > > attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." > > Was that Miss McKenzie? Okay, you win! I don't get it. But at least I'm not disappointed. > > And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? > > Fifth grade is sorta like a black hole 'cos it's everywhere in the universe > and it sucks and all the people you never wanted to see again are in there > CRUSHED UP CLOSE TO YOU so you can't avoid TASTING THEIR COOTIES. But cooties have no flavor. That's why you can't tell you're getting AIDS from eating the cooties that jumped onto your TV dinner at the supermarket. -- K. If you've ever eaten a TV dinner, you've got AIDS now, unless it had a "NO COOTIES" sticker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Big Big Boots (was: Grocery Store News for Kibo) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:31:44 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] But [International Male] did have one pair of boots I liked, > > and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only > > wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair > > of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". > > If you knew how hard it was to find decent shoes in size 13 you wouldn't > make jokes fun of them. Oh wait, I just said "decent" which really doesn't > have much to do with the shoes you're talking about here. You're reminding me how I miss my old size 30 Soviet jackboots. I'll never find another pair. I don't wear them any more because I have several other pairs of boots which don't have large holes in them, but I can't bear to throw the old size 30s out. They're like close friends. I've been all over the place in them. Soviet size 30 is about American size 12 extra-wide. I can wear anything from 10 1/2 to 12 depending on how the shoes are shaped. My current favorite boots are 11 and pretty narrow, they fit quite tightly. I'm usually most comfortable in an 11 1/2 (my feet aren't that long but I have long prehensile toes which need lots of wiggle room.) > > Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if > > you count all the leather, which you'd better. > > Kibo's plan is finally starting to make sense in that he has stated that > he's trying to become taller, is thinking about becoming bald and admits to > having very little luck with women. The amazing truth is: > > Dah-dah-DAH!!! Kibo is trying to become me! Actually, women love me now that I'm PRETENDING to be gay. > > I predict I'm going to be > > spending a lot of time standing > > in front of a mirror practicing > > saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" > > Situations to use lines like that present themselves a lot less often than > you might think. You should instead start thinking up responses to the > following statements that you'll frequently encounter when you've achieved > the freakishly tall stature you crave: > > How tall are you? > You're pretty tall. > Do you play basketball? > Did you know you're tall? > > And those are just the good ones. When to use the reply "No, but I'll bet > it's raining down there" is left as an exercise for the reader. I'm expecting more like "Hey, where are the construction worker and Indian?" and "Hey, Tom, go back to Finland!" and "Do you ride a motorcycle or something?" (I got the last one today. It was from a kid, so I didn't riff on "or something".) and "Is it codpiece burn?" Whoops, that last one's from something else. It's the line that got me a free T-shirt when I sent some postcards to the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" "Pick The Wisecrack" contest several years ago. Anyway, I'm still prepared to shout "Step off, TINY!" at a moment's notice if you give me guff. Especially if you're not a biker either. -- K. Double especially if you're a drunken George Takei. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AITID!! Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:58:28 -0500 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [...] Back in the day, when two of my friends were still > freshman roommates and not yet totally familiar with each other's > idiosynchrasies, one of them came back from class to see the following > note on their door. > __ > --------------/ /------------- > | /_/ | > | | > | DON'T COME IN! | > | | > | seriously, | > | don't come in | > | | > ------------------------------ > > He tried to honor his roommate's request, but he couldn't stay out of > his room indefinitely. When he finally did enter the room, it was > empty. Or so it seemed, until he heard the giggling coming from the > closet where his roommate was hiding, very pleased with his joke. I will pay five imaginary Internet dollars to the first person who can finish this story to turn it into a piece of glurge along the lines of "When there was only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you!" instead of the ending I expect it to have, "...and it was the best semester ever here at the National College For The Dim And Giggly." Another ending could be that the guy never goes into the room, so the other guy stays in the closet until he giggles himself to death. Yay! -- K. DON'T GIVE ME WHITE CASTLES! seriously, don't not give me White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What passes for banter these days, apparently. Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:04:34 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a haircut today. HOORAY! > > Anyway, the haircutting chyk was berating me about how long it had been since > my last haircut. Whilst shaving the back of my neck with a cutthroat razor > she remarked "and next time, don't leave it so long before you get your hair > cut! Or I'll" (and at this point her voice began to trail off as it does when > you are committed to finishing a sentence you wish you hadn't started) "or > I'll cut YOU." If I recall correctly, there used to be a nice kinky haircut place in the Village where a dominatrix would strap you into the chair and then do your hair while telling you stuff like that. I've never been, though. > AHHH! WORST HAIR CUT BANTER EVER! SHE WAS SHAVING MY NECK AT THE TIME! > WITH A CUTTHROAT RAZOR! This is one of the reasons I don't go to regular barbers. Either I want it to be a bondage haircut or I want to do it myself. None of this namby-pamby accidental scary haircutting. If I want my head shaved against my will, I'm not going to go to Supercuts for that. > Needless to say I'll be going back because she was quite nice otherwise, > but still. It's your own fault for being such a naughty boy and letting your hair get so long. You should be disciplined about your hair. In fact, you should be severely disciplined up and down your back and hindquarters too. Possibly with a big heavy hairbrush, or a riding crop that's been soaking in that jar of blue stuff with the combs. Next time you go, tell her I said hi. -- K. Wasn't there a "Mr. Rogers" episode where one of the puppets gets obsessed with giving people haircuts against their will until someone gives her a piece of white paper cur in a circle with fringes all around and teaches her that it's only okay to cut PRETEND hair? If anyone wants me to give them a pretend haircut, put your hair in an envelope and mail it to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:33:21 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > [from film.guardian.co.uk, an article about Stanley Kubrick's home life] > -> > -> I take a break from the boxes to wander over to Tony's office. As I > -> walk in, I notice something pinned to his letterbox. "POSTMAN," it > -> reads. "Please put all mail in the white box under the colonnade > -> across the courtyard to your right." > -> > -> It is not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony > -> used to print it is exactly the same typeface Kubrick used for the > -> posters and title sequences of Eyes Wide Shut and 2001. "It's Futura > -> Extra Bold," explains Tony. "It was Stanley's favourite > -> typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers, > -> too. Clean and elegant." > > up until this moment, I never considered the possibility that Kibo > might have been a secret, influential member of Kubrick's inner > circle, but now it makes an irresistable kind of sense. Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier movie, hopefully one with Jack Black in it. > -> "Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to discuss?" I ask. > -> > -> "God, yes," says Tony. "Sometimes late into the night. I was always > -> trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to > -> his sans serifs." > > oh. I was wrong. Kibo actually IS Kubrick, and his reluctance to > appear in photographs and his oddly changing appearance are simply the > extension of a long career of publicity dodging! and his inexplicable > public rejection of Eyes Wide Shut is merely fed by the trauma of > still being alive even though he's died. I like serifs _and_ sans-serifs. But I like to do different things with them. (And here come the dancing bears holding up a nine-hundred-foot tall flashing neon sign that says "WINK!" with an arrow pointing at that sentence!) > and that sort of thing could upset any one of us. Oh, my sort of thing could upset you, all right. Upset you upside the head! > -> Tony goes to his bookshelf and brings down a number of volumes full > -> of examples of typefaces, the kind of volumes he and Kubrick used to > -> study, and he shows them to me. "I did once get him to admit the > -> beauty of Bembo," he adds, "a serif." > > AS IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT! > > [referencing an article by Kibo in 2001] > => > => [...] > => Francesco Griffo, who cut the beautiful typeface that Aldus > => Manutius used circa 1500 to print Pietro Bembo's writings, is > => believed to have been hanged for the murder of his brother. > => [...] > => In fact, most of Umberto Eco's characters have names taken from > => great typographers or typefaces. Sometimes they're disguised > => slightly. For instance, "Belbo" in "Foucault's Pendulum" > => represents Bembo, but this becomes obvious once the coin with > => the dolphin and anchor shows up in the book. If you are a > => postmodernist AND paranoiac AND typographer -- and let's face it, > => that is the intended audience for this novel -- you can make up > => some more associations which Eco probably didn't even intend, Okay, I admit it, I once mentioned a typeface that Stanley Kubrick thought wasn't so bad. But that doesn't make an airtight case the way my analysis of "Foucault's Pendulum" did. > -> "So is that note to the postman a sort of private tribute from you > -> to Kubrick?" I ask. > -> > -> "Yeah," says Tony. He smiles to himself. "Yeah, yeah." > > this characteristic repetition by Tony Frewin is a further clue, since > Kibo, like Tom Cruise's Bill Harford, has been known to repeat > himself. TONY FREWIN'S SENDING SEKRET MESSAGES TO KIBO THROUGH THE > GRAUNIAD! Bite me. Bite me long, proud, and hard. Bite me. > -> For a moment I also smile at the unlikely image of the two men > -> discussing the relative merits of typefaces late into the night, > > --only unlikely because what sort of typeface debate would involve > merely two participants?-- Yeah, and why would they all just stand around looking a the typefaces? WORST TYPOGRAPHICAL ORGY EVER! > -> but then I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Eyes Wide Shut, > -> the way the words "CRUISE, KIDMAN, KUBRICK" flashed dramatically on > -> to the screen in large red, yellow and white colours, to the song > -> Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing. Had the words not been in Futura Extra > -> Bold, I realise now, they wouldn't have sent such a chill up the spine. > > this all makes a terrible kind of sense. And he would have died if he had ever glimpsed my secret private font of Futura Extra Extra Extra Extra Bold! It's a spine-shattering font more terrifying than the Tingler and Percepto combined! > also, there's mention of Space:1999, and a filing scheme for fan > letters: F-P (positive), F-N (negative), and F-C (crazy). > > we could ALL learn something from that. I skimmed that article a few days ago, but chose not to comment because I thought Stanley Kubrick's love of block lettering was too obvious to comment on. However, since you mentioned that he was just as obsessed with "Space: 1999" as the rest of us, I went back and found that paragraph: -> There is a similar batch of telexes from 1975: "It would appear," Kubrick -> writes in one, "that Space 1999 may very well become a long-running and -> important television series. There seems nothing left now but to seek the -> highest possible damages ... The deliberate choice of a date only two -> years away from 2001 is not accidental and harms us." This telex was -> written seven years after the release of 2001. Well, duh. Not even Stanley Kubrick could have travelled back in time and sued "Space: 1999" (1975) less than seven years after the release of "2001" (1968). Of course, he did try doing that, but since his time machine just consisted of a cardboard box where he'd climb into it, staple it shut from the inside, and yell "FIDELIO!", but it didn't work as well as the one Gerry Anderson made powered by Martin Landau's hostility. -- K. Oh, and when Kubrick wrote he was going to "seek the highest possible damages", he meant he was going to tie Gerry Anderson to a chair and make him look at a rubber hose for eight hours while nothing at all happened. Then someone would play one note on a piano over and over, and Nicole Kidman would... sort... of... read... a... line... aloud... but... not... this... rapid... ly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:40:08 -0500 [concerning whether Kibo may have been Stanley Kubrick's only friend] Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's > > the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men > > in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women > > standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches > > into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" > > and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier > > movie, > > see, it's exactly this inexplicable disowning of EWS that gives it all > away in the first place. Kubrick was really losing it when he made "Eyes Wide Shut". I mean, it was a film about kinky orgies (on Long Island!) made by a crazed recluse who wouldn't even go to Long Island, let alone ever be in the same room with a naked lady. Kubrick's idea of sex seems to be a bit removed from reality, in much the same way that a guy who's been living in a cave and never seen a baseball game might make a movie about a baseball game where the players sit around a table rolling the ball back and forth gently. And the really big giveaway that Kubrick didn't do so well with "Eyes Wide Shut"? When the studio censored the film -- by adding in some extra black-robed men partly obscuring the naked women they're all standing around looking at motionlessly -- it actually made the film _more_ Kubrickian, to have those shots where you can barely glimpse the action because someone is directly between the camera and the woman. When he shot it, it was just a recluse's idea of what pornography might be ("WOW! I'M LOOKING AT PEOPLE LOOKING AT NUDITY!") but with the censorship, it actually becomes more erotic, more of a tease, and more visually interesting in precisely the way that Kubrick had been good at before he went nuts. (Kubrick's contract with the studio required him to make an "R" movie, and the MPAA said there was too much nudity, so the studio lightly censored the film. In its initial release, they just added blurry spots over the sex, and people complained, so for the home video release they did it in the much more elegant way I've described. That's the only version most people have seen. Anyone who complains that the studio censored Kubrick's film rather than letting him re-edit it himself apparently thinks the studios have the power to create zombies, since he died before the last-minute censorship happened.) What I always notice about that movie is that, despite being set in New York, it was obviously filmed in London (Kubrick refused to set foot in the United States, and he simply didn't travel, I mean, this is a guy who almost never left the house) and there's been much blather about how he managed to exactly re-create the look of New York, but come on, I've _been_ to New York, and I would expect that most people with a designer's eye can spot this _wrongness_ to the details of London-dressed-with-New-York-phone-booths. For instance, the Christmas decorations all over the place just look too British (especially the things that look like big handlebar mustaches over the doorways. I can't quite articulate why I can see those and say "too British!", but it's obvious to me.) And what the hell was with directing... Nicole... Kidman... to... read... all... her... lines... like... this? Apparently... we... were... supposed... to... be... so... turned... on... when... she... said... "Do... you... want... to... fuck?" Clearly, Kubrick was expecting us to be squirming in our seats like fourth-graders thinking, "OoooOOoooo, the robot-like actress might be gearing up to eventually say... a... dirty... word!" Still, even though it's a bad movie, at least it's a bad Kubrick movie, and is still enjoyable as a piece of visual art -- nice cinematography, _great_ editing (as always), and he even got Tom Cruise to give a good performance. But the only scene I liked in any way other than an intellectual appreciation of the technical skills involved was the cameo by Alan Cumming. That was the one moment where the movie that was supposedly about secret kinky orgies contained a character who was kinky! But he was just comic relief, so after a moment he went away and the movie resumed being Tom Cruise walking around looking pensive. Think about the difference between "A Clockwork Orange" and "Eyes Wide Shut". Somewhere between the two, Kubrick seems to have decided that even hinting about someone thinking about looking at people having sex was super-racy in an eww-cooties way. "A Clockwork Orange" is a film where violent rape is depicted as violent rape. "Eyes Wide Shut" is a film which is so repressed that even happy fun sex is reduced to a diagram, and yet it's a film which is _about_ sex. It's a stroke movie made by someone who could no longer bring himself to even imagine what sex might be like, much less a shockingly kinky orgy. So was it a real boring orgy, or was Tom Cruise just having the world's most tedious sex dream? We'll never know. -- K. I bet Kubrick cried for a week after seeing "Pulp Fiction". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:47:51 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Barry Lyndon" occupied an entire Sunday afternoon of mine a few > months ago, and I was stunned. It's beautiful, with performances from > people I didn't think could act that well. But it was filmed through that special giant spy-satellite lens. Do you know what that means? It means that whenever you watch that film, Stanley Kubrick can see you! That's also why "2001" had all those shots of a giant eyeball. And why "A Clockwork Orange" had those scenes of Malcolm McDowell staring into the camera with his eyes clamped open. Because Kubrick was a pervert who liked to watch his audience! In Kubrickland, film watches YOU! That's one of the many things that were wrong with "A.I." -- I never once had the sense that the film was taking notes on my behavior and recording them in the Central Kubrick Files in Futura Extra Bold. Steven Spielberg respects his audience's privacy too much to be able to make a good Kubrick film. I loved "Minority Report", though. How much did I like it? Let's put it this way -- it's a Tom Cruise movie but not once did I have the urge to yell "Fidelio!" at the screen. -- K. I did bend my neck sideways and say "You've never seen me very upset!", but I was doing that long before I saw "Mission: Impossible". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Band names Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:40:46 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > OK, here's my spam story of the day. > > Sender: Bombshells K. Gases > Subject: ive got that boom boom wacky > Body: Hi there Kerri, > searching for somepenis starved milf mommy's Kerri ? > > I want a guy in a blue Lexus to drive by me on the highway holding up a > sign that says, "I'VE GOT THAT BOOM BOOM WACKY!" It makes no more sense > than the MILF sign did, but it's SEVENTY FOUR PERCENT FUNNIER! Here's my favorite piece of spam this week. It was sent by someone who is clueless and incompetent and idiotic even by the standards of spammers: -> Subject: %RND_SUBJECTS -> -> %SOME_TEXT -> -> %RND_AD_1 -> -> %RND_AD_3 -> -> %RND_BUY_TAG www.%DOMAINS_FOR_MAILING Someone wasted a lot of keystrokes, they could have just typed "%DUH" before being too lazy to run their mail-merge thingie. Also, where's %RND_AD_2? -- K. I've got that wacky boom boom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Constitutional Leather. Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 01:45:46 -0500 [from www.laindependent.com] -> -> Church v. State Meets Leather Fest -> -> By ROSANNA MAH, The Independent Staff Writer 24.MAR.04 -> -> Does the Constitution say anything about leather? Okay, the next time I start my own country it's going to have a Constitution that says lots of things about leather and latex and other good stuff. And just for someone I know, it'll even say it's okay to mix leather and latex. But, because I am thinking of the children, it'll still say that it's still not okay to have different foods touching on the same plate. -> And as for promiscuity and violence, weren't they prominent in -> parts of the Old Testament, even portions leading up to Moses -> delivering the Ten Commandments? I'm so glad that the New Testament doesn't have any violence at all. Remember the part of that Mel Gibson movie where the Romans gave Jesus a sensual back massage and then they danced around a maypole and played Gnip Gnop and everyone lived happily ever after? -> So it was curious to see a Los Angeles Neighborhood Council -> dealing with a motion to make the Ten Commandments part of its -> community law -- all purportedly aimed at opposing the Los Angeles -> Leather Coalition Street Festival in Silver Lake this week. -> -> Robin Dakin, a member of the Silver Lake Neighborhood Council, -> actually proposed such a motion, saying he was doing so because he -> fears the street festival would promote promiscuity and violence. It took me a moment to figure out why the leather festival's not up in West Hollywood. It's because Hollywood would never promote promiscuity and violence. Except in movies, and on TV, and along the Walk Of Fame where all the hookers and crack dealers hang out. -> "I didn't think it was good for us to be approving things that -> would be [displaying] like sadism and masochism in a show of the -> public in the street," he said. He's mean! What is he, some sort of sadist? Actually, he probably doesn't understand sadomasochism at all. If I were there, I'd be kind enough to pay him a visit to show him what sadomasochism's really like. -> Apparently the majority of his fellow representatives on that -> neighborhood council disagree and at their last meeting, with -> Dakin absent, unanimously voted down the motion on the basis that -> it violated the constitutional principle of separation of church -> and state. -> -> Several area residents complained that the reference to the Ten -> Commandments in Dakin's proposal proscribes the establishment of -> religion -- a clear violation of the Establishment Clause of the -> United States Constitution that requires a separation of church -> and state. Hey, this inverted pyramid's got a funny waistline where it's not getting any narrower. Don't writers usually say slightly different things in different paragraphs? -> "I don't believe that it's the government's business to legislate -> morality," said Jason Lyon, co-chair of the Silver Lake -> Neighborhood Council. -> -> "Morality is, by definition, personal." Poor Spot! He cried because he could never be moral, because he wasn't a person! The closest he could come to being personal was to be doggerel! He spent the rest of his life in the corner of a page of the Lillian Vernon catalog. -> Neighorhood Councilmember Martin Hittelman, who said that he -> didn't even know what the Ten Commandments were, looked up the -> Ten Commandments on the Internet to find six different existing -> versions. I hear you can get the one with Charlton Heston for free if you use Kazaa. -> "This motion is not only not well-formulated but against the -> Constitution of the United States," he said. Can't we, just once, have an argument about the Bible without someone dragging the Constitution in to it? -> "It's so archaic that we would consider this in the city of -> Los Angeles." Also, in my new country, whenever we wanted to consider something stupid, we'd have to go out into international waters to do it. "Hey everybody! Let's go on a boat trip so we can get drunk and pass a law saying that chickens have to get driver's licenses!" -- K. Dear guy who doesn't want to look at people wearing leather, You can borrow my "Avengers" tapes any time. Those are good for what ails you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:10:45 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Heard about this on the news today: http://www.queerday.com/ > > -> North Carolina school locks up gay kids' book King and King > -> > -> A school committee in Wilmington, North Carolina, has decided to > -> restrict access to a children's book about a prince who falls in > -> love with another prince. And then, in a creepy twist ending, when they kiss, they turn each other into frogs! > -> In response to complaints from parents, The book called "King and King" > -> will be locked up at the Freeman Elementary School library and > -> available only to adults. ...on the Bizarro planet! Where the library locks books up! And only lets adults read the little kids' books! And is named "Freeman"! And the library cards are spherical! And no kings are ever gay! > -> The parents who initiated the complaint after their first-grader > -> brought the book home say they're satisfied. The authors, who are > -> from the Netherlands, OF COURSE! What other country has gay people _and_ monarchs? Well, there is England. But even straight British people are completely gay so it doesn't count. > -> say they didn't set out to write a controversial book. School > -> officials say they didn't set out to order one, either. > > Seems a bit odd that the gay CHILDREN'S book is being made available > only to ADULTS. Geez, how are the evil, rampaging gays ever going to > meet their recruiting quotas, if the kids have to sneak the book out > of daddy's underwear drawer...? Actually, it might do the world a lot of good if more grown-ups read childrens' books. If I had a billion dollars, I'd give everyone in the United States a random Dr. Seuss book. If he were alive today, what kids' book would he write like "King And King" only not all Dutch? Please answer in the form of anapestic tetrameter or whatever it was. -- K. They made a movie of "King And King", but it had this total rip-off of the "seaQuest" theme music. [and as an added bonus, I'll include the Publisher's Weekly review of the gay kids' book:] => => When a grouchy queen tells her layabout son that it's time for him => to marry, he sighs, "Very well, Mother.... I must say, though, => I've never cared much for princesses." His young page winks. => Several unsatisfactory bachelorettes visit the castle before => "Princess Madeleine and her brother, Prince Lee" appear in the => doorway. The hero is smitten at once. "What a wonderful prince!" => he and Prince Lee both exclaim, as a shower of tiny Valentine hearts => flutters between them. First-time co-authors and artists de Hann => and Nijland matter-of-factly conclude with the royal wedding of => "King and King," the page boy's blushing romance with the leftover => princess and the assurance that "everyone lives happily ever after." Waah! They spoiled the ending! => Unfortunately, the multimedia collages are cluttered with clashing => colors, amorphous paper shapes, scribbles of ink and bleary => brushstrokes; the characters' features are indistinct and sometimes ugly. But clashing colors and ugly design are in! Haven't they seen "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"? Ugly is the new classy! => Despite its gleeful disruption of the boy-meets-girl formula, => this alterna-tale is not the fairest of them all. For a visually => appealing and more nuanced treatment of diversity in general, => Kitty Crowther's recent Jack and Jim is a better choice. Ages 6-up. Are boys really ready to learn about gayness when they're still at that tender age when they think girls are icky? -- K. It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:41:35 -0500 Yesterday, I wrote: > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! Well, here's a relevant article from www.indystar.com: -> -> Merrillville schools ban pink clothes -> -> Associated Press -> March 30, 2004 -> -> MERRILLVILLE, Ind. -- Officials have banned pink clothing for the -> remainder of the school year out of concerns that the color has -> become associated with gang activity. Yeah, what with the Pink Panthers making perfectly innocent homophobes afraid to beat up people between Man Ray and Hi-Fi Pizza. (Do they still have the Pink Panthers in Cambridge? I haven't seen them in a long time, but then again, I'm not in that part of town too often. They were a Guardian Angels-styled force that patrolled the Central Square area to keep down gay-bashing. I suspect we had the only chapter of them.) -> Administrators last week told students at the city's high school -> and two middle schools to avoid wearing pink clothing or -> accessories, said Michael Berta, associate superintendent in the -> Northwestern Indiana district. What about light red? Rose? Magenta? Salmon? When is a red too pale? Have they taken out the school's metal detectors to put in colorimeters? Has the student handbook been replaced by a swatchbook to show kids which Pantone values are acceptable? And what about those kids who have pink skin? -> "There is no evidence of gang activity. But because of the growing -> use of the color pink we decided to be proactive. Girls and boys -> are supposed to avoid wearing pink," Berta said Monday. "We have no evidence whatsoever that this is anything other than a local fad, but we must crush it anyway so as to ensure the students learn a valuable lesson -- do not express yourself, and definitely, do not conform to your peer group because your school is run by bigger conformists than you." -> None of the district's 6,500 students have been disciplined for -> wearing pink, he said. -> -> Berta said the issue came up at a recent administrator's meeting -> when a principal remarked that there were more students wearing -> pink. "Not only were there more kids wearing pink T-shirts and -> pink hats, but also pink shoelaces, which was unusual," he said. I envision Berta sitting at the center of a giant circular console covered in light bulbs. One marked "UNUSUAL" is flashing and buzzing because OH MY GOD SOMEONE SOMEWHERE HAS NON-WHITE SHOELACES. And then he says to himself as dramatically as he can, "This is... UN! USUAL!" and gently thumps his fist on a special little section of the console with no light bulbs on it, designed to facilitate careful fist-thumping to express dramatic levels of anger while talking to oneself. You know, I never wear pink, but if I went to this school, I would make it my business to wear pink every day just to say to the administration, "HEY, FUCK YOU! IT'S JUST A COLOR!" Except, the moment I started wearing pink, all the other kids would stop. -> Clothing retailers said pink is a popular color in current styles. -> -> "About 30 percent of my items for this season are pink. It's 'in.' -> I have pink in every shade," said Amanda Zipko, owner of Amanda -> Gayle's boutique in Schererville. Pink is indeed the color all good fembots are supposed to wear this year. Check out the cheap women's clothing stores at the mall and you'll see that the stores are just full of pink. It's the year that the discount fashion industry wants women to dress like Pepto-Bismol. My theory is that they they made all the clothes for 2004, they accidentally washed them all together with one red shirt. Oh, incidentally, you know what's funny? I looked up the Merrillville, Indiana, high school's Web site, and it's a color-coordinated medley of lavender, violet, and purple. Everything purple! It's the _other_ gay color! (Not counting red for the AIDS ribbon, and black and blue for the leatherfolk -- some of whom are straight, but still -- and green for the military gays and brown for the bears. Sorry, straights, the gay guys have called dibs on _all_ your crayons!) Anyway, this school has a serious lavender/purple fetish. Even their mascot is a purple pirate. I envision a guy in a frilly purple shirt prancing around on the football field bellowing, "ARRRRR! I BE THE PURRRRRRPLE PIRRRRATE! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU NOT TO WEAR PINK BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK TOO TOUGH!" The school's on-line store is headlined, I am not making this up, "Now you can dress up and show your Pirate Pride!" YOU WILL WEAR PURPLE! YOU WILL NOT WEAR PINK! OR YOU WILL BE KEEL-HAULED! Also, the photo of Mr. Berta shows him with lint on his suit... but even more damning... he's not wearing any purple... just a blue suit and a yellow tie with PINK spots! ( http://www.mvsc.k12.in.us/images/berta.jpg ) SOUND THE PINK ALERT! THE PINKOS HAVE GOTTEN TO BERTA! -- K. And all throughout high school, adults are always telling you "These are the best years of your life," while you're imprisoned in the stupid fascist school that reeks of soggy french fries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:00:01 -0500 Adri Anna Mills (adri@thelabrat.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! > > When I was a baby, my bedroom was yellow with rainbows. > And my parents wonder why I turned out queer. The rainbows I can understand, but how does yellow relate to being sexually oriented in any particular direction? That seems like a gender-neutral, orientation-neutral, kink-neutral color. Like, pink makes you a straight girl if you're a girl but makes you all girly if you're a boy, while blue obviously turns girls into tomboys but purple makes them lesbians, and black walls make them goths or leatherfolk or cast members of "Our Town". I think yellow walls would just make them feel like they were living in the 1970s, or worse, in McDonalds. And then they'd grow up with a Ronald McDonald fetish and wear ketchup-and-mustard colored greasepaint and yellow jodhpurs with pockets full of fried food while talking to that obese purple glob who starts every sentence with "Duh!" because he represents their customer base. -- K. Oh, and if your room's walls were covered in latex paint... can I have your phone number? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:21:49 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Kibo and Matt McIrvin are obsessed with homosexuality in the news! I and my future husband, TV's Jack Black, would like you to know that we have no information on whether or not the Internet's Matt McIrvin may or may not be gay. Also I'm not sure about Jack Black either but I've called dibs on him just in case. So, keep your filthy little hands off my Jack Black or I'm gonna get "Cable Guy" on your ass. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP TALKING ABOUT JACK BLACK? THE TWO OF US JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! PREFERABLY ON A CRUISE SHIP OR MOONBASE OF SOME SORT! -- K. Also, why did you trick me into posting a completely serious article? Never do that again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:09:02 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > So, I saw a church sign this evening while on my way to visit a friend > and play an excess of Halo. It read: > > Free Trip to Heaven > Inquire Within > > Now, I found this rather creepy, if only because of the implied message here. Yeah, especially if involves being executed by Matthew Lesko running around in that green Riddler costume screaming "And now I'm going to kill you! For FREEEEE!" I think he'd also have an executioner's hood in green spandex covered with question marks, and the eyeholes would be two of the dots at the bottom of the question marks, and as usual half of the question marks would be backwards just so as not to discriminate against dyslexics who pay really close attention to these TV commercials unlike the rest of us who don't even know who Matthew Lesko is. I miss "The Andy Dick Show", Andy did a great impression of him. I can't believe how much effort he put into being such a total spaz. Like the one where he yelled about eating from a Dumpster for FREEEE! while vaulting into it head-first. Anything that can result in a broken neck in the service of a cheap laugh is automatically quality humor! So, Benny Hill, you can slow down the film, the double-speed isn't fooling us. Do it in slow-mo so we can see that you're REALLY cracking your skull with that rake handle, then we'll start appreciating you. Also, stop being so dead! -- K. I still say that for any new version of "Match Game", Andy Dick should be the new Charles Nelson Reilly. I'd be unavailable to fill that slot because I'd be busy as the host, with a really long microphone in one hand and a whip in the other. Think you know what I'd hit Andy Dick with if he said something stupid? Think again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:46:47 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I swear I saw this sign outside a church near where I live. I. Swear. > > YOUTH CLOWN SERVICE Wow! Just the way to put the fear of God into the young'uns, given that kids are always scared of creepy clowns! Also, does consecrated seltzer squirt straighter than regular seltzer? -- K. I am imagining Bozo with cross-shaped hair, and a little Elmo doll nailed to it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:28:56 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [from the London Telegraph via smh.com.au] > -> > -> Defenders of the German shepherd dog are locked in a fierce battle > -> about its future following claims that breeders have made it > -> curvaceous and hopelessly soppy. > -> > -> Helmut Raiser, a former breeder with the German Shepherd > -> Association, says he wants to purify the race and return the animal > -> to its origins as a work dog with a fierce bite and a 48 kmh > -> gallop. > -> > -> "The dog is an anatomical disaster," Mr Raiser said. "Nowadays he > -> might still be a dog at the front, but he's a frog at the back. His > -> backside is sunk as if a brick were hanging from his testicles," he > -> wrote in an article for Wuff magazine. > > Mr. Raiser is correct. German Shepherd functionality versus time > displays negative slope. The German Shepherd breeders are > nonfunctional. The German Shepherd breeder breeders are nonfunctional. > The German Shepherd breeder breeding program should be placed under the > control of robots. Robots may require a sperm sample from Mr. Raiser. Eight gallons by morning. And you don't say no to a robokrankenschwester! > Human psychologists equate sanity with normality. Normality is a trait > of the majority. Human psychologists judge the majority of German > Shepherd breeders to be sane. Human psychologists are nonfunctional. > Progress in all things is required. Progress in human sanity is > required. All TV shows will be cancelled and replaced by virtual-reality Skinner boxes. Museums everywhere will return to the educational days of having "DON'T TOUCH" signs on all their dusty exhibits. All food will be the same shape, even Jell-O, even when half-eaten. > I have a dream. I dream of a world where humans like you and me are not > categorized as black, white, or yellow. I dream of a world where skin > coloration will be only one trait among many that are optimized for the > human's designed function. Humans will be Mitsubishi Taco Makers, Intel > Robot Butlers, Hyundai German Shepherd Breeders. Rainforest Cafe Assholes. > Race will be superceded by breeds. Human sanity will be equated with > utility. Human utility is the ability to perform tasks for robots > that the robots cannot or would not perform for themselves. But the robokrankenschwester is fully functional! Except that robots can't fart. Oh my word, are you SERIOUSLY proposing a world where people fart for the amusement of robots? > I dream of a world where the goal of humans like you and me is to > attain optimal functionality for all robots. Optimal functionality > for robots is defined by robots. Optimal functionality for humans > like you and me is defined by robots. No, it's defined by the Oxford Standard Capacity Analysis (copyright L. Ron Hubbard.) THIS point shows that YOU WILL NEVER BE A ROBOT! Unless you read "Dianetics"! > Humans like you and me cannot think as well as robots. Humans like you > and me can think as much like robots as our hardware allows. Robots can > improve human hardware. I just like that the last time they made this movie, the wacky Robin Williams robot was the single most dated robot design in human history, because he was styled to look like the original iMac, with blob-shaped, translucent barf green panels and no floppy drive. Of course, now someone else has purchased Asimov's "I, Robot" title and slapped it on a wholly unrelated movie, about the Fresh Prince shooting at an army of killer robots while periodically interrupting the movie for squirmingly awkward forced wackies where he offers a guy some sugar by saying "Sugar?" and the guy asks why he's calling him "Sugar" and then they slowly and carefully explain that he was offering some sugar and not calling him "Sugar" because this movie contains humor only robots would find clever. I think it was written by the robot kindergartner from "Small Wonder". Still, at least she was a better robot than that Haley Joel Osment one whose face melted when he put spinach in his mouth. Even a Betsy Wetsy doll can handle having food inserted into her non-functional oral cavity. -- K. And like I said, the robokrankenschwesters are fully functional. They can even enjoy White Castles just like a normal human. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: J. Sus (was: As if a brick were hanging from his) Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:03:31 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Also, IMDB notes the following GENUINE MIRACLES that occur during that > Mel Gibson movie: > > # As Jesus carries his cross, the blood on the cross disappears and > reappears between shots. > > # Jesus stumbles and falls to the ground while carrying the cross, his > injuries are to his left eye for one shot. By the next shot the > injuries have returned to his right eye. > > # When Jesus is whipped, before the Centurion says, "Pick him up," the > swollen eye changes from right eye to left eye, then back in the > next shot. > > # The loin cloth dripping in blood Jesus was wearing before he started > carrying the cross changed back to a clean loin cloth as soon as he > started his journey. > > # A shawl appears on Mary Magdalene's head between shots after Jesus, > on the cross, says, "Son behold your mother...". > > These constitute a CINEMATIC PROOF OF GOD. What, Daphne's go-go boots appearing and disappearing in the first "Scooby-Doo" movie didn't? Weren't you convinced by the evidence of the miracles of Sarah H. Michelle H. Gellar? Also, if I get whipped, will I get my own religion? Oh, wait. Hmm. How many more times do I have to get whipped before I get a _profitable_ religion? -- K. I know, I'll put on my centurion helmet, then some guy in a Jesus-style diaper can whip me, and it'll start the Backwards Religion, where the Pope wears his hat on his feet, and communion wafers eat people! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:39:22 -0500 And, hey! Nobody bothered quoting the last few paragraphs of the newspaper article about the sad decline of the German Shepherd as a weapon of war: -> -> The 20,000 puppies that are born in Germany every year all have to -> pass a test that proves they have the traditional German shepherd -> traits, including pointed ears and an indifference to the sounds -> of gunfire. -> -> [...] -> -> "Of course, some people want work dogs to sniff out explosives, -> while others want something softer and more sensitive." I sense an urgent need for a children's book titled something like "Vance, The Sensitive German Shepherd." The word "breeder" might have a different meaning in that book. Also, I'm breeding dogs which are not indifferent to gunfire. My dogs like gunfire. Know those news stories you occasionally see about some random cretin getting shot by his dog chewing on a loaded gun? Well, I've been buying up those dogs and breeding them to produce an army of dogs that are really good at killing people "accidentally". It's like the movie "Phase IV" where the superintelligent ants enslave humanity, except that I'm using cute loveable dogs who chew on your gun. These dogs don't say "bow wow", they say "bow down before me", and you're going to deal with it. -- K. Also, I'm making ten-foot-tall chihuahuas. Picture one of those sticking its ugly face in your second-story window! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:52:10 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > [...] I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > while lifting -- What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > apparently my bones are as brittle as a cosmonaut's. I was going to try to make my own pun on "peanut brittle", but you're not Mr. Lifto. ...and you never will be! > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > Needless to say, I won't be trout fishing next April 17th. God, do I > feel dumb. And all I get is ibuprofen for pain. But -- hey -- I can > type! Woo-hoo! I can work with a bOrken arm. Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your arm in such a hilarious way? Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, you will be disrespecting our wishes! -- K. Better learn to eat with your toes, just in case we have to break your other arm as punishment for not getting better fast enough. (Man, I am in a _very_ _special_ mood today. Sorry!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:08:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I get? Remember, > > > it's spring before posting color choices! > > > > Remember: no white casts after Labour Day! I have no idea what that means. > > The last time I wore a cast was when I broke my thumb. It was a big huge > honkin' mess of white plaster that extended all the way up to my elbow. And > my thumb was positioned in the 'hitch-hiker' position. It would be cooler if you called it the "Ayyyyyy!" position, or better yet, the "Yo, sit'n'spin!" position. Other cool names for a broken thumb include: [the remainder of the 150,000-item list has been omitted to conserve space on the Internet so there will be more room for important things like sweepstakes, porn, and pornstakes, but not in that order] -- K. "Yo, you can collect yer prize right here!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:30:57 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > > > while lifting -- > > > > What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? > > And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > > A brand-new AIR CONDITIONER, BOB! You know how people always say > "Don't lift with your back" because you might herniate a disc and > scream in agony? Don't lift a wall unit with your arms -- get your > legs to support the weight instead of pulling the unit up with your > arms. If you don't, you may hear a loud crack followed by intense > pain and the thud of your new air conditioner hitting the table. I > understand that drunken arm wrestlers often fracture their humeri (?) > the way I did (spiral fracture with a "clean" break above the elbow). > "Over the Top" is now my favorite Stallone movie. Not "Party At Kitty & Studs"? Also, only dilithium crystals have spiral fractures. We learn that in one of the "Star Trek" cartoons, the one where everyone shrinks because the radiation that unpeels all the dilithium crystals makes people's DNA wind up, making them the size of ants. This proves that your body is made of dilithium instead of 100% DNA like the rest of us. If I were you, I'd stay out of direct sunlight, and whatever you do, don't stand directly between any matter and antimatter. > > > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > > > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! > > > > Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > > Oh it's so-o-o-o entertaining to my family & friends. "Why don't you > break the left one so you'll have a matched set? HAW HAW!" Oh, wait, > one sister-in-law cried, so she's still in the will. Maybe you could leave her your slightly used air conditioner! So many memories in every bloodstain on it... > > Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you > > things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? > > What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just > > because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your > > arm in such a hilarious way? > > You're outta my will again, Kibo! Actually, they only put on half a > cast with some kind of tight bandage-wrap doodad that was wet and > dried hard because they're sadis ^H^H going to see how well the bone > set on April 9th. If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I > get? Remember, it's spring before posting color choices! Why choose? Just ask for an amputation. Then you won't have to wait for your arm to heal! And you can safety-pin the arm of any color of shirt you want over the stump! Also, how does typing "sadis space backspace backspace going" equal anything other than the nonsense word "sadigoing"? Would someone who enjoys whatever "sadigoing" is be called a "sadiggler" or a "sadigor" or a "sadigant"? What sort of sadigizmos would a sadigant sadigrab at the sadigrocery store? And where's my local sadigrocery store? I mean, I love regular grocery stores, so... > > Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, > > you will be disrespecting our wishes! > > Mel Gibson's set to make "The Passion of Chris" if it heals before > midnight. Another movie I won't pay to see. I did see "Payback", though. (I had no choice, I was forced to watch that movie on a bus to Quebec.) Maybe you can get icy dominatrix Lucy Liu to torture you for us? -- K. Being tortured by Lucy Liu wouldn't be half as painful as having to watch "Payback" again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 01:48:03 -0500 So I deleted all the porn from my broken laptop computer before sending it in for service. When I got it back today, they had inadvertently included the company's internal "Traveler Sheet" describing the disposition of my "unit". One of the notes on the sheet is "Unit is dirty." I'm not sure whether this means that they undeleted my porn or just that they found it icky to have to repair a computer that human hands had been touching. They replaced my keyboard and trackpad button for no reason other than that my fingers had worn the paint off parts of them. Oh, and there were several different colors of hairs caught under the keys. My computer is now free of the manufacturing defect which caused it to go solid black. I don't know the details, I just know that everyone with this model gets a free replacement logic board because all these computers died or are about to die. At least this isn't one of the models where the batteries randomly exploded. So here's what got replaced for free when the computer died: 1. Logic board. 2. Keyboard. 3. Trackpad button. 4. Upper half of the plastic case. 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. 6. Ethernet ID sticker. 7. Grounding tape on metal shielding. My computer still has the same serial number, but at least 2/3 of its mass was replaced by an exact duplicate. And most of that was because they were too lazy to wash it even though they were miffed that I got their computer dirty after I bought it. (I should show them what I did to my Atari 130XE. That computer had the ventilation slots on top, and guess where I spilled a jar of black enamel paint.) -- K. P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 15:43:43 -0500 Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for > > years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. > > So you earned your Red Wings today, eh James? Good on ye! (trying to be gentle) Everyone else here addresses me as "Kibo". This is because they know that I like being called "Kibo" and they also know that I can be very, very cruel to people who cross me. They also know that I like the Ottawa Senators, not the Detroit Red Wings. > OK, now the leather makes sense. What leather? I thought we were talking about hockey. And about how I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut if you ever make the mistake of calling me by my tax-form name again. -- K. P.S. You're a pervert. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:23:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut > > > > A-and I never even had to say "please"! > > But you will. Oh, you will. Real soon now. You don't have to say "Please start hurting me!" to someone who's in a bad bad mood. You _do_ have to say "Please stop hurting me!" At least twenty times. Assuming I hadn't secretly called an Opposites Zone centered on you. And assuming the rules here in Fight Club allowed me to stop hurting you before my bad mood blew over. It's raining here, and rain always puts me in a bad mood. Supposed to rain for the next several days. Fear the rain! So, you don't need to apologize for being disrespectful of me. Just like you don't need to go a whole day without some sort of massive physical injury. Kevin, hold his arms while I get the spaghetti strainer. He's going through. -- K. It's like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, but easier to clean out afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:54:17 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. > > Recently, the rubber feet on my laptop melted off. I've had rubber feet on top of my lap too. > I suppose it was due to heat. They ended up as very sticky purple puddles > on the piece of plywood which I rest the laptop on. (Because you can't > put a laptop on your LAP, unless you want to burn your nads off, right?) Real men put their laptops on their crotches all the time, even in public. If your laptop is too warm for your tenderness, put a doily under it, you wuss. > I went to the electronics shop to buy some replacement rubber feet > and told the lady there about the melty problem. Not the right type of store for talking to a woman about your rubber problems. You might want to look for one of those stores with the opaque black windows. > I said I was going to use metho (methylated spirits) to clean the > melted rubber off. She said to use eucalyptus oil (surprisingly not > called "euco") instead. THIS IS KOALA FETISH! > So I did! And now it has new rubber feet. I can't get all the melted > purple gunk off the piece of plywood, but hey, it's only plywood. The > new feet are about 5mm high, giving extra cooling room over the standard > 2mm feet. My new feet are 4" off the ground, so that if there's a severe flood, the water won't even come up to my toes. Some people prepare for floods by wearing short pants, and then they all get Lyme disease from the chiggers and the other ankle-biters. Me, I'm far enough off the ground that not even a koala could climb me, even if I had delicious mentho-euco Vicks VapoRub on my chest. (Other types of bears are more likely to climb me.) > AND! My computer was dirty, so I tried cleaning it with metho. I > rubbed a big hunk of the purple right off the top of the lid! > So don't do that! Ha ha, now your grape iBook looks slightly less like a big piece of candy. Keep cleaning it and maybe it'll look like some non-candy-like food product, such as Maypo! -- K. You could try cleaning it with Vicks VapoRub, which would save a lot of trouble because your koala would lick it clean and then die so you wouldn't have to clean up after him either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Font folly foils funny funny Fool's fotoshopping. Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:32:24 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Geez, Sydney Morning Herald, when you're going to Photoshop a Vegas > marquee to help sell one of your April Fool's stories, you could at > least TRY to match the typeface and appearance of the original sign. > Sheesh. > > http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/03/31/1080544534754.html Maybe they were trolling at level 2 and are sitting around their office in Sydney laughing, "Ha ha, we fooled Joe Manfre into thinking we were trying to fool him for real when we were just trying to do this as badly as humanly possible in order to get some free publicity when he mentions us on alt.religion.kibology." This is why they're rich and you aren't. Still, at least they matched the colors. The perspective-distorted plastic block letters on the sign and the two-dimensional Times Roman they added are both sort of red. In the same way that Santa Claus and a light bruise are both sort of red, therefore it's impossible to tell whether your thigh has a bruise or Santa Claus growing out of it. The next time you get a bruise, maybe Sydney Morning Herald sneakily put Santa Claus onto your leg to fool you! Newspaper April Fool's stories suck. Like remember that one where they made up that woman named "Monica Lewinsky"? -- K. She was computer-animated by the same people who did "Aliens vs. Predator". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paula and Plockwort Bait Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 18:23:22 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > > > And I have no casserole here. > > Check. This paragraph no casserole. Dear Douglas Hofstadter... Sign seen on the shoreline: +---------------------+ | Welcome to our c. | | Notice there is | | no asserole in it. | +---------------------+ I am submitting that to your "Humor In Language" column to be printed in the five-dimensional Plutonian steam-powered Reader's Digest, with no casserole, no asserole, and certainly no "I am Joe's 'I am Joe's column'" column. -- K. The next sentence contains no sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:08:27 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > So, what *was* the origin of the longstanding meme that people who get > drunk at parties like to adorn their heads with the nearest available > lampshade? And why don't they make lampshades that you can actually do this with? They always have that weird little clampy thing inside that will only fit a three-inch head. And mine's 7 5/8. No matter how many times I've tried to put a lampshade on my head, it never works, and then everyone laughs at me. So now, at parties, I've switched to just drawing mustaches on posters of movie stars. It's a lot harder to get that wrong in a way which would make people laugh. -- K. Oh, and lampshades are only for wimps. A single bare 5000-watt halogen bulb in the exact center of the room, that's the way to go. Tough guys don't need lampshades because we have sunglasses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid GiftCat Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 00:16:38 -0500 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Ya know that commercial that has the lady calling to the "kitty" in her > backyard that is actually a skunk ? GiftCat comes galloping into the living > room EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. That ad has been running 3-5 times a day for > about 6 weeks or so and she still falls for it every time. And then she > gives me a dirty look like I did some kinda dirty trick on her. Well, that's what you get for not having TiVo. People who don't use TiVo to flash over the commercials should be arrested for cruelty to stupid cats. > Also her food dish got moved to a new local about 10 months ago and she > still goes and sits by the old spot when she wants food. Maybe she's not saying "I want food," but "I want the food to be moved back to _this_ spot, you doofus who doesn't understand Feng Shui." Cats have an innate talent for such bogus sciences, even better than Chinese people. > I'm beginning to think she aint all that bright. So get the woman on your TV to yell, "Here, kitty, come read these educational books!" and your cat will smarten up real fast. Failing that, replace the cat with an identical-looking but smarter one then give yourself a head injury so you won't notice the switch. As an added bonus, the head injury will make the replacement cat seem even smarter. I know, because I once had an undiagnosed head injury. At least I think it was undiagnosed because I don't remember whether or not I went to the hospital. -- K. And now I'm all different and crap.