From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quorn in the news Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:22:03 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that millions > > -> of Europeans have eaten for years. > > I think this sentence is about some alternate-reality Europe... even > if sometimes I reluctantly admit that Britain is rechnically a part > of Europe. Come taste the world-renowned wonders of British cuisine! IT'S NOT A PART, IT'S A PENINSULA!!! > Italian doesn't have separate everyday words for "fungus" and "mushroom", > although we could use "muco" or "mucillagine", that are pretty descriptive > already; you got to get slightly technical to underline the subtle > difference (now I ooze and now I don't). Therefore I think it would > be all right for us to eat Quorn, provided that anybody dares to market > it here. I need to check whether someone already has. It would be interesting to manufacture a dairy product with Quorn germs floating in it so that we could call it "muco moocow" and kids would drink it just because it would have a funny name, which is more important than the way it would taste like bleccccch. > > -> News reports said a soaring world population would starve within > > -> decades unless a plentiful protein source was found. Petroleum and > > -> chemical companies began coaxing potentially edible yeasts, molds > > -> and bacteria to grow on nutrients such as sugar cane, cassava, > > -> petroleum waste and manure. > > Actually, many insects are a perfectly good source of useful proteins. > This does not make me want to eat cockroaches, even if they turn out > to taste just like chickenroaches. You check first. I like how people freak out whenever they find out the difference between natural and artificial red colors in their candy. Natural red candy has things that look like ladybugs in it, or at least their exoskeletons. Artificial red candy is made from nice clean chemicals. Now choose! > > -> But the fungus they finally selected was British-grown > > I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!! Yet another fine product of British cuisine! > Forever gone are the times of beefsteaks and roastbeefs... welcome > quornsteak and roachbeef! Steak-and-kidney pie will be replaced by something gross, like steak-and-Quorn pie! > > myco-, muco-, what's the difference? > > A forked letter that ancient Greek had, but early Latin did not have. > > Speaking of Latins and their rotten, mouldy, yeasty substances, have you > ever wondered where the "gar" syllable in "vinegar" comes from? Allow me to reference the thousand articles I posted last year about the Latin word "garum". And trust me, eating a spoonful of garum is not as pleasant as drinking a big glass of vinegar. > Don't let them take all the FUN out of FUNGI! And don't let them take all the FUNGUS out of FUNYUNS! -- K. Suddenly I'm hungry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:53:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > "Albertsons Inc. increased its nationwide footprint Friday by > announcing a nearly $2.5 billion purchase of Shaw«s Supermarkets, a > chain based in New England." Shaw's acquired Star a few years ago (hence my old Prudential Star because The Shaw's At Prudential) and Albertson's owns Safeway and various other things, including Trader Joe's. In other words, they own almost everything that Supervalu, Food Lion, and Disney don't. > The dead-tree version of the story includes a picture of the Shaws > Market near/in/under the Prudential Building. You know, the market > designed by I. M. Pei. I thought that market was designed by Pablo Picasso after he drank a quart of Sterno after he had been dead for fifty years after having his brain crushed by a giant robot that wanted him to design a crazy-shaped supermarket with four-dimensional aisles. > Soon, you and I will be shopping at the same grocery store, though not > in the same city, and not necessarily at the same time. It goes > without saying that we will be buying different stuff. From now on, I'm buying all my staples at 7-Eleven. Or the gas station that has the good burritos. -- K. I wonder who owns Bampy's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 22:37:32 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...grocery receipt...] > > > > Grecian Formula 16 7.99 > > Only in a newsgroup dedicated to a man with Tiger Lily colored hair who > tries the most disgusting foods imaginable would someone both admit to > this purchase and call it "groceries." It's only been Tiger Lily for the past week. Before then, I had been using Infra Red (I had planned to use Tiger Lily, but the colors weren't behaving.) And there have been two days in the past two weeks when I had golden hair (as in metallic yellow, not as in blond) but nobody got to see me. The Tiger Lily is a nice bright orange, but it's a bit light for my pale complexion and current dark couture, so I'd like to go with a reddish-black or orangish-black. I might even consider dark blue. I'm still using Electric Lava on my beard, but I think I want a more blood-like maroon. Problem is, none of the Manic Panic colors gives me a good dark red (as opposed to pink or orange) and of course all brilliant red hair coloring fades out very fast (bright red dyes aren't as stable as, say, blues.) I may also just shave my head again (especially as my pricey new hat is too small and I can't find a good way to stretch it.) And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. They just don't go with my current look. -- K. I am not a nerd! I am a robot! No, wait... I am not a robot! I am a 6'7" Space Viking! With a 50000 foot boat of clear steel! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:07:33 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, > > my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. > > Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > after, though. I don't mind "does not compute", it's just that one pair of nerd glasses can completely overwhelm everything else. Maybe mirrorshades would help? -- K. I've catalogued four types of reaction so far. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:16:31 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > > > ***THUD*** > > Kibo, make that five types of reaction. Yeah, I think we'll score that in the "win" column. I got a nice new one today when I was on my way to buy a handful of little padlocks. Since the weather was nice, I was wearing my leathers and sentry cap, the sort of hat that practically has a neon sign sticking out of it saying "THAT type of leatherman! THAT type of leatherman!" This guy ahead of me on the "up" escalator turned around, pointed to the general vicinity of my midriff (from about three feet away) and said, "I like that." I said "Thanks." He said "I envy you. I really do." I suspect he was just trying to say "Leather makes you look cool," not coming onto me. (Folks with his skin color don't usually enjoy pretending situations which could involve whips or calling someone "master".) He didn't have that special look in his eye, didn't trigger my sadar at all. He just liked my leathers in a platonic way. Bless his innocent little heart for admiring my handsomeness for wholly non-perverted reasons. My beauty is admired by all, even nice vanilla folks. -- K. "I envy you" will be hard to top, though I do expect a "Holy shit!" within a week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:13:39 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > > > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > > > after, though. > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > ***THUD*** Uh oh, my "does not compute" attitude just broke Darla. She fell off the floor again. Sorry, Darla, I didn't mean to make you crash and burn. I guess now wouldn't be the right time to tell you about the boots I recently ordered. These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! You know, their stuff is so gay it's gotta be unintentionally gay, because real gay people never get that gay. We're talking ruffled pirate shirts and bike shorts with padded crotches and brocaded frock-coats and stuff. But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". These boots have big thick masculine soles. Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ four-inch heels. Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, but these boots could cover an entire White Castle, not that you'd be able to look down and see it from that far up. Maybe I should get a periscope so I'll be able to see what I'm stomping on. Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if you count all the leather, which you'd better. When I get the boots I'll have to measure myself by putting them on and going to the convenience store, assuming the stickers by the door go up to 6'8". (One of the local ones put up their stickers two inches low, so I should measure myself at that one. Better yet, I should just rob it, since I could prove in court that I'm not 6'10". That would be just ridiculously tall.) -- K. I predict I'm going to be spending a lot of time standing in front of a mirror practicing saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 23:58:35 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were > > in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from > > International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! > > So faggy it's VIRILE! Uh-oh, I'm going to tell Mr. Garrison you said the f-word without getting bleeped. I think we just learned something about you. Hey, Mark, did you MOW the lawn today? Do you like to MOW the lawn? MOW? Get it? MOW? Didja get it, or didja MOW it? > > But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. > > [...] The brand is "Destroy". > > "Destroy" is the user instructions. One-third of them. The pamphlet says "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" They also sell a shampoo which is "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Repeat! Dilute! OK!" Thankfully, those instructions are easier to follow than the competing brand of shampoo, where the directions are just "Repeat!" > > These boots have big thick masculine soles. > > VIRILE! Butch, bucko. > > Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. > > VIRILE! Butch, bonzo. > > Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ > > four-inch heels. > > VIRILE! Butch, Boraxo. > > Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, > > THOSE AREN'T GRAPES! And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." Then the girl threw his grapes on the floor and stepped on them. The classroom was nearly silent -- the grapes just let out a little wine. -- K. Wny does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? BECAUSE HE LIKES IT! And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? Do you want to MOW the fifth grade? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:17:32 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of > > the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying > > attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." > > Was that Miss McKenzie? Okay, you win! I don't get it. But at least I'm not disappointed. > > And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? > > Fifth grade is sorta like a black hole 'cos it's everywhere in the universe > and it sucks and all the people you never wanted to see again are in there > CRUSHED UP CLOSE TO YOU so you can't avoid TASTING THEIR COOTIES. But cooties have no flavor. That's why you can't tell you're getting AIDS from eating the cooties that jumped onto your TV dinner at the supermarket. -- K. If you've ever eaten a TV dinner, you've got AIDS now, unless it had a "NO COOTIES" sticker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Big Big Boots (was: Grocery Store News for Kibo) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:31:44 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] But [International Male] did have one pair of boots I liked, > > and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only > > wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair > > of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". > > If you knew how hard it was to find decent shoes in size 13 you wouldn't > make jokes fun of them. Oh wait, I just said "decent" which really doesn't > have much to do with the shoes you're talking about here. You're reminding me how I miss my old size 30 Soviet jackboots. I'll never find another pair. I don't wear them any more because I have several other pairs of boots which don't have large holes in them, but I can't bear to throw the old size 30s out. They're like close friends. I've been all over the place in them. Soviet size 30 is about American size 12 extra-wide. I can wear anything from 10 1/2 to 12 depending on how the shoes are shaped. My current favorite boots are 11 and pretty narrow, they fit quite tightly. I'm usually most comfortable in an 11 1/2 (my feet aren't that long but I have long prehensile toes which need lots of wiggle room.) > > Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if > > you count all the leather, which you'd better. > > Kibo's plan is finally starting to make sense in that he has stated that > he's trying to become taller, is thinking about becoming bald and admits to > having very little luck with women. The amazing truth is: > > Dah-dah-DAH!!! Kibo is trying to become me! Actually, women love me now that I'm PRETENDING to be gay. > > I predict I'm going to be > > spending a lot of time standing > > in front of a mirror practicing > > saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" > > Situations to use lines like that present themselves a lot less often than > you might think. You should instead start thinking up responses to the > following statements that you'll frequently encounter when you've achieved > the freakishly tall stature you crave: > > How tall are you? > You're pretty tall. > Do you play basketball? > Did you know you're tall? > > And those are just the good ones. When to use the reply "No, but I'll bet > it's raining down there" is left as an exercise for the reader. I'm expecting more like "Hey, where are the construction worker and Indian?" and "Hey, Tom, go back to Finland!" and "Do you ride a motorcycle or something?" (I got the last one today. It was from a kid, so I didn't riff on "or something".) and "Is it codpiece burn?" Whoops, that last one's from something else. It's the line that got me a free T-shirt when I sent some postcards to the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" "Pick The Wisecrack" contest several years ago. Anyway, I'm still prepared to shout "Step off, TINY!" at a moment's notice if you give me guff. Especially if you're not a biker either. -- K. Double especially if you're a drunken George Takei. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AITID!! Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:58:28 -0500 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [...] Back in the day, when two of my friends were still > freshman roommates and not yet totally familiar with each other's > idiosynchrasies, one of them came back from class to see the following > note on their door. > __ > --------------/ /------------- > | /_/ | > | | > | DON'T COME IN! | > | | > | seriously, | > | don't come in | > | | > ------------------------------ > > He tried to honor his roommate's request, but he couldn't stay out of > his room indefinitely. When he finally did enter the room, it was > empty. Or so it seemed, until he heard the giggling coming from the > closet where his roommate was hiding, very pleased with his joke. I will pay five imaginary Internet dollars to the first person who can finish this story to turn it into a piece of glurge along the lines of "When there was only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you!" instead of the ending I expect it to have, "...and it was the best semester ever here at the National College For The Dim And Giggly." Another ending could be that the guy never goes into the room, so the other guy stays in the closet until he giggles himself to death. Yay! -- K. DON'T GIVE ME WHITE CASTLES! seriously, don't not give me White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:59:39 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching down the > > street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > > Tony Cadena and Rikk Agnew did this better than you. I don't know who Tony "The Chain" Cadena and Rikk "Veep" Agnew are. Are they the World Champions Of Ameba Tag or something? Or just some adolescents you know? Either way, I assure you that I have _never_ lost a game of Ameba Tag. However, I don't remember what my Twister record is, since I haven't played it since about age nine. And that's the wrong age for Twister. You have to be old enough to realize that it should involve extra groping! -- K. I'd have to wear the gloves to play Ameba Tag with you people, because some of you guys have super cooties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:10:42 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > > You know... I'm sure those perverted people that are into golden > showers should would have an interesting time on the shuttle. Now that I think about it, you're right, everyone who has ever wanted to be an astronaut or ride a spaceship or visit Mr. Spock is a colossal pervert. Especially if Sulu gets to watch and keeps yelling "OH, MY!" just like that guy who sounded nothing like him once did on the Howard Stern show, convincing everyone that George Takei is the kind of pervert who goes around yelling "OH, MY!" instead of whatever he actually does when he sees Spock in the sonic shower. -- K. Of all the "Star Trek" cast members, he's the funniest drunk, at least in that press conference during the eight hours of extras on the "Star Trek V" DVD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What passes for banter these days, apparently. Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:04:34 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a haircut today. HOORAY! > > Anyway, the haircutting chyk was berating me about how long it had been since > my last haircut. Whilst shaving the back of my neck with a cutthroat razor > she remarked "and next time, don't leave it so long before you get your hair > cut! Or I'll" (and at this point her voice began to trail off as it does when > you are committed to finishing a sentence you wish you hadn't started) "or > I'll cut YOU." If I recall correctly, there used to be a nice kinky haircut place in the Village where a dominatrix would strap you into the chair and then do your hair while telling you stuff like that. I've never been, though. > AHHH! WORST HAIR CUT BANTER EVER! SHE WAS SHAVING MY NECK AT THE TIME! > WITH A CUTTHROAT RAZOR! This is one of the reasons I don't go to regular barbers. Either I want it to be a bondage haircut or I want to do it myself. None of this namby-pamby accidental scary haircutting. If I want my head shaved against my will, I'm not going to go to Supercuts for that. > Needless to say I'll be going back because she was quite nice otherwise, > but still. It's your own fault for being such a naughty boy and letting your hair get so long. You should be disciplined about your hair. In fact, you should be severely disciplined up and down your back and hindquarters too. Possibly with a big heavy hairbrush, or a riding crop that's been soaking in that jar of blue stuff with the combs. Next time you go, tell her I said hi. -- K. Wasn't there a "Mr. Rogers" episode where one of the puppets gets obsessed with giving people haircuts against their will until someone gives her a piece of white paper cur in a circle with fringes all around and teaches her that it's only okay to cut PRETEND hair? If anyone wants me to give them a pretend haircut, put your hair in an envelope and mail it to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:33:21 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > [from film.guardian.co.uk, an article about Stanley Kubrick's home life] > -> > -> I take a break from the boxes to wander over to Tony's office. As I > -> walk in, I notice something pinned to his letterbox. "POSTMAN," it > -> reads. "Please put all mail in the white box under the colonnade > -> across the courtyard to your right." > -> > -> It is not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony > -> used to print it is exactly the same typeface Kubrick used for the > -> posters and title sequences of Eyes Wide Shut and 2001. "It's Futura > -> Extra Bold," explains Tony. "It was Stanley's favourite > -> typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers, > -> too. Clean and elegant." > > up until this moment, I never considered the possibility that Kibo > might have been a secret, influential member of Kubrick's inner > circle, but now it makes an irresistable kind of sense. Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier movie, hopefully one with Jack Black in it. > -> "Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to discuss?" I ask. > -> > -> "God, yes," says Tony. "Sometimes late into the night. I was always > -> trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to > -> his sans serifs." > > oh. I was wrong. Kibo actually IS Kubrick, and his reluctance to > appear in photographs and his oddly changing appearance are simply the > extension of a long career of publicity dodging! and his inexplicable > public rejection of Eyes Wide Shut is merely fed by the trauma of > still being alive even though he's died. I like serifs _and_ sans-serifs. But I like to do different things with them. (And here come the dancing bears holding up a nine-hundred-foot tall flashing neon sign that says "WINK!" with an arrow pointing at that sentence!) > and that sort of thing could upset any one of us. Oh, my sort of thing could upset you, all right. Upset you upside the head! > -> Tony goes to his bookshelf and brings down a number of volumes full > -> of examples of typefaces, the kind of volumes he and Kubrick used to > -> study, and he shows them to me. "I did once get him to admit the > -> beauty of Bembo," he adds, "a serif." > > AS IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT! > > [referencing an article by Kibo in 2001] > => > => [...] > => Francesco Griffo, who cut the beautiful typeface that Aldus > => Manutius used circa 1500 to print Pietro Bembo's writings, is > => believed to have been hanged for the murder of his brother. > => [...] > => In fact, most of Umberto Eco's characters have names taken from > => great typographers or typefaces. Sometimes they're disguised > => slightly. For instance, "Belbo" in "Foucault's Pendulum" > => represents Bembo, but this becomes obvious once the coin with > => the dolphin and anchor shows up in the book. If you are a > => postmodernist AND paranoiac AND typographer -- and let's face it, > => that is the intended audience for this novel -- you can make up > => some more associations which Eco probably didn't even intend, Okay, I admit it, I once mentioned a typeface that Stanley Kubrick thought wasn't so bad. But that doesn't make an airtight case the way my analysis of "Foucault's Pendulum" did. > -> "So is that note to the postman a sort of private tribute from you > -> to Kubrick?" I ask. > -> > -> "Yeah," says Tony. He smiles to himself. "Yeah, yeah." > > this characteristic repetition by Tony Frewin is a further clue, since > Kibo, like Tom Cruise's Bill Harford, has been known to repeat > himself. TONY FREWIN'S SENDING SEKRET MESSAGES TO KIBO THROUGH THE > GRAUNIAD! Bite me. Bite me long, proud, and hard. Bite me. > -> For a moment I also smile at the unlikely image of the two men > -> discussing the relative merits of typefaces late into the night, > > --only unlikely because what sort of typeface debate would involve > merely two participants?-- Yeah, and why would they all just stand around looking a the typefaces? WORST TYPOGRAPHICAL ORGY EVER! > -> but then I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Eyes Wide Shut, > -> the way the words "CRUISE, KIDMAN, KUBRICK" flashed dramatically on > -> to the screen in large red, yellow and white colours, to the song > -> Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing. Had the words not been in Futura Extra > -> Bold, I realise now, they wouldn't have sent such a chill up the spine. > > this all makes a terrible kind of sense. And he would have died if he had ever glimpsed my secret private font of Futura Extra Extra Extra Extra Bold! It's a spine-shattering font more terrifying than the Tingler and Percepto combined! > also, there's mention of Space:1999, and a filing scheme for fan > letters: F-P (positive), F-N (negative), and F-C (crazy). > > we could ALL learn something from that. I skimmed that article a few days ago, but chose not to comment because I thought Stanley Kubrick's love of block lettering was too obvious to comment on. However, since you mentioned that he was just as obsessed with "Space: 1999" as the rest of us, I went back and found that paragraph: -> There is a similar batch of telexes from 1975: "It would appear," Kubrick -> writes in one, "that Space 1999 may very well become a long-running and -> important television series. There seems nothing left now but to seek the -> highest possible damages ... The deliberate choice of a date only two -> years away from 2001 is not accidental and harms us." This telex was -> written seven years after the release of 2001. Well, duh. Not even Stanley Kubrick could have travelled back in time and sued "Space: 1999" (1975) less than seven years after the release of "2001" (1968). Of course, he did try doing that, but since his time machine just consisted of a cardboard box where he'd climb into it, staple it shut from the inside, and yell "FIDELIO!", but it didn't work as well as the one Gerry Anderson made powered by Martin Landau's hostility. -- K. Oh, and when Kubrick wrote he was going to "seek the highest possible damages", he meant he was going to tie Gerry Anderson to a chair and make him look at a rubber hose for eight hours while nothing at all happened. Then someone would play one note on a piano over and over, and Nicole Kidman would... sort... of... read... a... line... aloud... but... not... this... rapid... ly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:40:08 -0500 [concerning whether Kibo may have been Stanley Kubrick's only friend] Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's > > the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men > > in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women > > standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches > > into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" > > and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier > > movie, > > see, it's exactly this inexplicable disowning of EWS that gives it all > away in the first place. Kubrick was really losing it when he made "Eyes Wide Shut". I mean, it was a film about kinky orgies (on Long Island!) made by a crazed recluse who wouldn't even go to Long Island, let alone ever be in the same room with a naked lady. Kubrick's idea of sex seems to be a bit removed from reality, in much the same way that a guy who's been living in a cave and never seen a baseball game might make a movie about a baseball game where the players sit around a table rolling the ball back and forth gently. And the really big giveaway that Kubrick didn't do so well with "Eyes Wide Shut"? When the studio censored the film -- by adding in some extra black-robed men partly obscuring the naked women they're all standing around looking at motionlessly -- it actually made the film _more_ Kubrickian, to have those shots where you can barely glimpse the action because someone is directly between the camera and the woman. When he shot it, it was just a recluse's idea of what pornography might be ("WOW! I'M LOOKING AT PEOPLE LOOKING AT NUDITY!") but with the censorship, it actually becomes more erotic, more of a tease, and more visually interesting in precisely the way that Kubrick had been good at before he went nuts. (Kubrick's contract with the studio required him to make an "R" movie, and the MPAA said there was too much nudity, so the studio lightly censored the film. In its initial release, they just added blurry spots over the sex, and people complained, so for the home video release they did it in the much more elegant way I've described. That's the only version most people have seen. Anyone who complains that the studio censored Kubrick's film rather than letting him re-edit it himself apparently thinks the studios have the power to create zombies, since he died before the last-minute censorship happened.) What I always notice about that movie is that, despite being set in New York, it was obviously filmed in London (Kubrick refused to set foot in the United States, and he simply didn't travel, I mean, this is a guy who almost never left the house) and there's been much blather about how he managed to exactly re-create the look of New York, but come on, I've _been_ to New York, and I would expect that most people with a designer's eye can spot this _wrongness_ to the details of London-dressed-with-New-York-phone-booths. For instance, the Christmas decorations all over the place just look too British (especially the things that look like big handlebar mustaches over the doorways. I can't quite articulate why I can see those and say "too British!", but it's obvious to me.) And what the hell was with directing... Nicole... Kidman... to... read... all... her... lines... like... this? Apparently... we... were... supposed... to... be... so... turned... on... when... she... said... "Do... you... want... to... fuck?" Clearly, Kubrick was expecting us to be squirming in our seats like fourth-graders thinking, "OoooOOoooo, the robot-like actress might be gearing up to eventually say... a... dirty... word!" Still, even though it's a bad movie, at least it's a bad Kubrick movie, and is still enjoyable as a piece of visual art -- nice cinematography, _great_ editing (as always), and he even got Tom Cruise to give a good performance. But the only scene I liked in any way other than an intellectual appreciation of the technical skills involved was the cameo by Alan Cumming. That was the one moment where the movie that was supposedly about secret kinky orgies contained a character who was kinky! But he was just comic relief, so after a moment he went away and the movie resumed being Tom Cruise walking around looking pensive. Think about the difference between "A Clockwork Orange" and "Eyes Wide Shut". Somewhere between the two, Kubrick seems to have decided that even hinting about someone thinking about looking at people having sex was super-racy in an eww-cooties way. "A Clockwork Orange" is a film where violent rape is depicted as violent rape. "Eyes Wide Shut" is a film which is so repressed that even happy fun sex is reduced to a diagram, and yet it's a film which is _about_ sex. It's a stroke movie made by someone who could no longer bring himself to even imagine what sex might be like, much less a shockingly kinky orgy. So was it a real boring orgy, or was Tom Cruise just having the world's most tedious sex dream? We'll never know. -- K. I bet Kubrick cried for a week after seeing "Pulp Fiction". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:47:51 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Barry Lyndon" occupied an entire Sunday afternoon of mine a few > months ago, and I was stunned. It's beautiful, with performances from > people I didn't think could act that well. But it was filmed through that special giant spy-satellite lens. Do you know what that means? It means that whenever you watch that film, Stanley Kubrick can see you! That's also why "2001" had all those shots of a giant eyeball. And why "A Clockwork Orange" had those scenes of Malcolm McDowell staring into the camera with his eyes clamped open. Because Kubrick was a pervert who liked to watch his audience! In Kubrickland, film watches YOU! That's one of the many things that were wrong with "A.I." -- I never once had the sense that the film was taking notes on my behavior and recording them in the Central Kubrick Files in Futura Extra Bold. Steven Spielberg respects his audience's privacy too much to be able to make a good Kubrick film. I loved "Minority Report", though. How much did I like it? Let's put it this way -- it's a Tom Cruise movie but not once did I have the urge to yell "Fidelio!" at the screen. -- K. I did bend my neck sideways and say "You've never seen me very upset!", but I was doing that long before I saw "Mission: Impossible". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 13:47:12 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > will be made from soy." Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers who are three years old. They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny out ourselves? -- K. (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:44:21 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > > > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > > > will be made from soy." > > > > Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many > > of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% > > biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers > > who are three years old. > > > > They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > > I think they know you'd prefer the balloons made from leather. Um... actually, no. > > > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. > > > > That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked > > into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, > > or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny > > out ourselves? > > The saddest part is: I thought of the 'joke' the night before and > specifically ordered the edamame to set it up. NOT! FUNNY! ENOUGH! (sound of brain being reached into) Next time someone tell you to be funny, you better be at least twice as funny as a big pile of whipped-cream-covered Morks with Groucho Marx on top. I'm still waiting for the funny. Seltzer yourself and make with the funola! > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > Does this imply you have normal moods? > > For instance, do you ever walk down the aisle at the market and think, > "Hey, I'm not at all curious about what that [odd japanese product, > doggie treat, yo-yo] tastes like."? As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. The blister pack's cardboard backing was a drawing of Leonard Nimoy giving the "nano-nano" sign so that the yo-yo was in his hand. Sadly, it was only as much fun as a regular stupid yo-yo, and did not grant me awesome space yo-yo powers. It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it smelled really gross. -- K. Sort of like vinyl, except bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stinky Spock Yo-Yo (was: Plant Dangler) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:40:54 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" > > "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. [...] > > > > It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted > > like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it > > smelled really gross. > > Unlike Leonard Nimoy in real-life, who always smells of bacon and lilacs. Logic is a bouquet of pretty flowers that smell like Leonard Nimoy. Logic is a little birdie yo-yoing in a tree. Logic is the stuff that holds the chest hairs together in your shower drain. Logic is the secret ingredient in no curries anywhere. Logic is the opposite of a marshmallow. Logic always goes down the wrong escalator. Logic is deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside and farts outside. And speaking of colors that smell bad, I just bought a jar of a new shade of hair dye. It's either "Deathly Nightshade" or "Deadly Nightshade" depending on whether you go by the piece of cardboard with sample hair taped to it, or the printing on the jar. It's a sort of very dark maroon/burgundy according to the hair-clippings card but when I opened the jar, the lid's cardboard liner was stained more of a magenta/purple berry color. I'm hoping I'll get more of a maroon than a purple, but we'll have to see what happens. In any case, it should stain my skin in interesting bruise-like ways. If you bump into me tomorrow and the tops of my ears are purple, remember, NOBODY CLOBBERED ME. -- K. However, you should not draw any conclusions about whether or not I clobbered anyone else, especially if they laughed at my yo-yo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:21:18 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > That sentence contains an extraneous preposition, indefinite article, > and noun. My sentence is correct. Therefore you are wrong and must be forced to apologize. And if you apologize too early and take all the fun out of it for me, I'm going to make you VERY SORRY. Because, you see, I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD. -- K. My mood ring just exploded! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Band names Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:40:46 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > OK, here's my spam story of the day. > > Sender: Bombshells K. Gases > Subject: ive got that boom boom wacky > Body: Hi there Kerri, > searching for somepenis starved milf mommy's Kerri ? > > I want a guy in a blue Lexus to drive by me on the highway holding up a > sign that says, "I'VE GOT THAT BOOM BOOM WACKY!" It makes no more sense > than the MILF sign did, but it's SEVENTY FOUR PERCENT FUNNIER! Here's my favorite piece of spam this week. It was sent by someone who is clueless and incompetent and idiotic even by the standards of spammers: -> Subject: %RND_SUBJECTS -> -> %SOME_TEXT -> -> %RND_AD_1 -> -> %RND_AD_3 -> -> %RND_BUY_TAG www.%DOMAINS_FOR_MAILING Someone wasted a lot of keystrokes, they could have just typed "%DUH" before being too lazy to run their mail-merge thingie. Also, where's %RND_AD_2? -- K. I've got that wacky boom boom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Constitutional Leather. Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 01:45:46 -0500 [from www.laindependent.com] -> -> Church v. State Meets Leather Fest -> -> By ROSANNA MAH, The Independent Staff Writer 24.MAR.04 -> -> Does the Constitution say anything about leather? Okay, the next time I start my own country it's going to have a Constitution that says lots of things about leather and latex and other good stuff. And just for someone I know, it'll even say it's okay to mix leather and latex. But, because I am thinking of the children, it'll still say that it's still not okay to have different foods touching on the same plate. -> And as for promiscuity and violence, weren't they prominent in -> parts of the Old Testament, even portions leading up to Moses -> delivering the Ten Commandments? I'm so glad that the New Testament doesn't have any violence at all. Remember the part of that Mel Gibson movie where the Romans gave Jesus a sensual back massage and then they danced around a maypole and played Gnip Gnop and everyone lived happily ever after? -> So it was curious to see a Los Angeles Neighborhood Council -> dealing with a motion to make the Ten Commandments part of its -> community law -- all purportedly aimed at opposing the Los Angeles -> Leather Coalition Street Festival in Silver Lake this week. -> -> Robin Dakin, a member of the Silver Lake Neighborhood Council, -> actually proposed such a motion, saying he was doing so because he -> fears the street festival would promote promiscuity and violence. It took me a moment to figure out why the leather festival's not up in West Hollywood. It's because Hollywood would never promote promiscuity and violence. Except in movies, and on TV, and along the Walk Of Fame where all the hookers and crack dealers hang out. -> "I didn't think it was good for us to be approving things that -> would be [displaying] like sadism and masochism in a show of the -> public in the street," he said. He's mean! What is he, some sort of sadist? Actually, he probably doesn't understand sadomasochism at all. If I were there, I'd be kind enough to pay him a visit to show him what sadomasochism's really like. -> Apparently the majority of his fellow representatives on that -> neighborhood council disagree and at their last meeting, with -> Dakin absent, unanimously voted down the motion on the basis that -> it violated the constitutional principle of separation of church -> and state. -> -> Several area residents complained that the reference to the Ten -> Commandments in Dakin's proposal proscribes the establishment of -> religion -- a clear violation of the Establishment Clause of the -> United States Constitution that requires a separation of church -> and state. Hey, this inverted pyramid's got a funny waistline where it's not getting any narrower. Don't writers usually say slightly different things in different paragraphs? -> "I don't believe that it's the government's business to legislate -> morality," said Jason Lyon, co-chair of the Silver Lake -> Neighborhood Council. -> -> "Morality is, by definition, personal." Poor Spot! He cried because he could never be moral, because he wasn't a person! The closest he could come to being personal was to be doggerel! He spent the rest of his life in the corner of a page of the Lillian Vernon catalog. -> Neighorhood Councilmember Martin Hittelman, who said that he -> didn't even know what the Ten Commandments were, looked up the -> Ten Commandments on the Internet to find six different existing -> versions. I hear you can get the one with Charlton Heston for free if you use Kazaa. -> "This motion is not only not well-formulated but against the -> Constitution of the United States," he said. Can't we, just once, have an argument about the Bible without someone dragging the Constitution in to it? -> "It's so archaic that we would consider this in the city of -> Los Angeles." Also, in my new country, whenever we wanted to consider something stupid, we'd have to go out into international waters to do it. "Hey everybody! Let's go on a boat trip so we can get drunk and pass a law saying that chickens have to get driver's licenses!" -- K. Dear guy who doesn't want to look at people wearing leather, You can borrow my "Avengers" tapes any time. Those are good for what ails you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Constitutional Leather. Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:28:09 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Poor Spot! He cried because he could never be moral, because > > he wasn't a person! The closest he could come to being personal > > was to be doggerel! He spent the rest of his life in the corner > > of a page of the Lillian Vernon catalog. > > That's animal cruelty! I should call PETA! What would you do if I > called PETA, they started a campaign against "kibology," and no likes > eating raw shitake mushrooms. I would inform them, and you, that on last night's episode of Penn & Teller's show, the one all about how much they hate PETA, they dressed up exactly as I dress on almost every day when it's not raining. (Teller looked cute in his little leatherman outfit, while Penn's pants were clearly five sizes too small as he could barely walk.) Then I'd point up towards the top of your screen where it says "Subject: Re: Constitutional Leather." and remind you that it's not good to bait the leatherdudes in a thread about how some of us will squish-like-bug any chumpoid who doesn't approve of our mean leather look. Now get on your knees and apologize _instantly_ and _completely_ or you'll be spending the rest of your life eating raw shiitake mushroom Slurpees through a long rubber tube that goes out your window, down the street, to your local 7-Eleven. And note that I didn't say the tube would be going in your mouth. -- K. It's not animal cruelty -- it's _my_ cruelty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:10:45 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Heard about this on the news today: http://www.queerday.com/ > > -> North Carolina school locks up gay kids' book King and King > -> > -> A school committee in Wilmington, North Carolina, has decided to > -> restrict access to a children's book about a prince who falls in > -> love with another prince. And then, in a creepy twist ending, when they kiss, they turn each other into frogs! > -> In response to complaints from parents, The book called "King and King" > -> will be locked up at the Freeman Elementary School library and > -> available only to adults. ...on the Bizarro planet! Where the library locks books up! And only lets adults read the little kids' books! And is named "Freeman"! And the library cards are spherical! And no kings are ever gay! > -> The parents who initiated the complaint after their first-grader > -> brought the book home say they're satisfied. The authors, who are > -> from the Netherlands, OF COURSE! What other country has gay people _and_ monarchs? Well, there is England. But even straight British people are completely gay so it doesn't count. > -> say they didn't set out to write a controversial book. School > -> officials say they didn't set out to order one, either. > > Seems a bit odd that the gay CHILDREN'S book is being made available > only to ADULTS. Geez, how are the evil, rampaging gays ever going to > meet their recruiting quotas, if the kids have to sneak the book out > of daddy's underwear drawer...? Actually, it might do the world a lot of good if more grown-ups read childrens' books. If I had a billion dollars, I'd give everyone in the United States a random Dr. Seuss book. If he were alive today, what kids' book would he write like "King And King" only not all Dutch? Please answer in the form of anapestic tetrameter or whatever it was. -- K. They made a movie of "King And King", but it had this total rip-off of the "seaQuest" theme music. [and as an added bonus, I'll include the Publisher's Weekly review of the gay kids' book:] => => When a grouchy queen tells her layabout son that it's time for him => to marry, he sighs, "Very well, Mother.... I must say, though, => I've never cared much for princesses." His young page winks. => Several unsatisfactory bachelorettes visit the castle before => "Princess Madeleine and her brother, Prince Lee" appear in the => doorway. The hero is smitten at once. "What a wonderful prince!" => he and Prince Lee both exclaim, as a shower of tiny Valentine hearts => flutters between them. First-time co-authors and artists de Hann => and Nijland matter-of-factly conclude with the royal wedding of => "King and King," the page boy's blushing romance with the leftover => princess and the assurance that "everyone lives happily ever after." Waah! They spoiled the ending! => Unfortunately, the multimedia collages are cluttered with clashing => colors, amorphous paper shapes, scribbles of ink and bleary => brushstrokes; the characters' features are indistinct and sometimes ugly. But clashing colors and ugly design are in! Haven't they seen "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"? Ugly is the new classy! => Despite its gleeful disruption of the boy-meets-girl formula, => this alterna-tale is not the fairest of them all. For a visually => appealing and more nuanced treatment of diversity in general, => Kitty Crowther's recent Jack and Jim is a better choice. Ages 6-up. Are boys really ready to learn about gayness when they're still at that tender age when they think girls are icky? -- K. It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:41:35 -0500 Yesterday, I wrote: > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! Well, here's a relevant article from www.indystar.com: -> -> Merrillville schools ban pink clothes -> -> Associated Press -> March 30, 2004 -> -> MERRILLVILLE, Ind. -- Officials have banned pink clothing for the -> remainder of the school year out of concerns that the color has -> become associated with gang activity. Yeah, what with the Pink Panthers making perfectly innocent homophobes afraid to beat up people between Man Ray and Hi-Fi Pizza. (Do they still have the Pink Panthers in Cambridge? I haven't seen them in a long time, but then again, I'm not in that part of town too often. They were a Guardian Angels-styled force that patrolled the Central Square area to keep down gay-bashing. I suspect we had the only chapter of them.) -> Administrators last week told students at the city's high school -> and two middle schools to avoid wearing pink clothing or -> accessories, said Michael Berta, associate superintendent in the -> Northwestern Indiana district. What about light red? Rose? Magenta? Salmon? When is a red too pale? Have they taken out the school's metal detectors to put in colorimeters? Has the student handbook been replaced by a swatchbook to show kids which Pantone values are acceptable? And what about those kids who have pink skin? -> "There is no evidence of gang activity. But because of the growing -> use of the color pink we decided to be proactive. Girls and boys -> are supposed to avoid wearing pink," Berta said Monday. "We have no evidence whatsoever that this is anything other than a local fad, but we must crush it anyway so as to ensure the students learn a valuable lesson -- do not express yourself, and definitely, do not conform to your peer group because your school is run by bigger conformists than you." -> None of the district's 6,500 students have been disciplined for -> wearing pink, he said. -> -> Berta said the issue came up at a recent administrator's meeting -> when a principal remarked that there were more students wearing -> pink. "Not only were there more kids wearing pink T-shirts and -> pink hats, but also pink shoelaces, which was unusual," he said. I envision Berta sitting at the center of a giant circular console covered in light bulbs. One marked "UNUSUAL" is flashing and buzzing because OH MY GOD SOMEONE SOMEWHERE HAS NON-WHITE SHOELACES. And then he says to himself as dramatically as he can, "This is... UN! USUAL!" and gently thumps his fist on a special little section of the console with no light bulbs on it, designed to facilitate careful fist-thumping to express dramatic levels of anger while talking to oneself. You know, I never wear pink, but if I went to this school, I would make it my business to wear pink every day just to say to the administration, "HEY, FUCK YOU! IT'S JUST A COLOR!" Except, the moment I started wearing pink, all the other kids would stop. -> Clothing retailers said pink is a popular color in current styles. -> -> "About 30 percent of my items for this season are pink. It's 'in.' -> I have pink in every shade," said Amanda Zipko, owner of Amanda -> Gayle's boutique in Schererville. Pink is indeed the color all good fembots are supposed to wear this year. Check out the cheap women's clothing stores at the mall and you'll see that the stores are just full of pink. It's the year that the discount fashion industry wants women to dress like Pepto-Bismol. My theory is that they they made all the clothes for 2004, they accidentally washed them all together with one red shirt. Oh, incidentally, you know what's funny? I looked up the Merrillville, Indiana, high school's Web site, and it's a color-coordinated medley of lavender, violet, and purple. Everything purple! It's the _other_ gay color! (Not counting red for the AIDS ribbon, and black and blue for the leatherfolk -- some of whom are straight, but still -- and green for the military gays and brown for the bears. Sorry, straights, the gay guys have called dibs on _all_ your crayons!) Anyway, this school has a serious lavender/purple fetish. Even their mascot is a purple pirate. I envision a guy in a frilly purple shirt prancing around on the football field bellowing, "ARRRRR! I BE THE PURRRRRRPLE PIRRRRATE! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU NOT TO WEAR PINK BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK TOO TOUGH!" The school's on-line store is headlined, I am not making this up, "Now you can dress up and show your Pirate Pride!" YOU WILL WEAR PURPLE! YOU WILL NOT WEAR PINK! OR YOU WILL BE KEEL-HAULED! Also, the photo of Mr. Berta shows him with lint on his suit... but even more damning... he's not wearing any purple... just a blue suit and a yellow tie with PINK spots! ( http://www.mvsc.k12.in.us/images/berta.jpg ) SOUND THE PINK ALERT! THE PINKOS HAVE GOTTEN TO BERTA! -- K. And all throughout high school, adults are always telling you "These are the best years of your life," while you're imprisoned in the stupid fascist school that reeks of soggy french fries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:00:01 -0500 Adri Anna Mills (adri@thelabrat.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! > > When I was a baby, my bedroom was yellow with rainbows. > And my parents wonder why I turned out queer. The rainbows I can understand, but how does yellow relate to being sexually oriented in any particular direction? That seems like a gender-neutral, orientation-neutral, kink-neutral color. Like, pink makes you a straight girl if you're a girl but makes you all girly if you're a boy, while blue obviously turns girls into tomboys but purple makes them lesbians, and black walls make them goths or leatherfolk or cast members of "Our Town". I think yellow walls would just make them feel like they were living in the 1970s, or worse, in McDonalds. And then they'd grow up with a Ronald McDonald fetish and wear ketchup-and-mustard colored greasepaint and yellow jodhpurs with pockets full of fried food while talking to that obese purple glob who starts every sentence with "Duh!" because he represents their customer base. -- K. Oh, and if your room's walls were covered in latex paint... can I have your phone number? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:21:49 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Kibo and Matt McIrvin are obsessed with homosexuality in the news! I and my future husband, TV's Jack Black, would like you to know that we have no information on whether or not the Internet's Matt McIrvin may or may not be gay. Also I'm not sure about Jack Black either but I've called dibs on him just in case. So, keep your filthy little hands off my Jack Black or I'm gonna get "Cable Guy" on your ass. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP TALKING ABOUT JACK BLACK? THE TWO OF US JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! PREFERABLY ON A CRUISE SHIP OR MOONBASE OF SOME SORT! -- K. Also, why did you trick me into posting a completely serious article? Never do that again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:09:02 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > So, I saw a church sign this evening while on my way to visit a friend > and play an excess of Halo. It read: > > Free Trip to Heaven > Inquire Within > > Now, I found this rather creepy, if only because of the implied message here. Yeah, especially if involves being executed by Matthew Lesko running around in that green Riddler costume screaming "And now I'm going to kill you! For FREEEEE!" I think he'd also have an executioner's hood in green spandex covered with question marks, and the eyeholes would be two of the dots at the bottom of the question marks, and as usual half of the question marks would be backwards just so as not to discriminate against dyslexics who pay really close attention to these TV commercials unlike the rest of us who don't even know who Matthew Lesko is. I miss "The Andy Dick Show", Andy did a great impression of him. I can't believe how much effort he put into being such a total spaz. Like the one where he yelled about eating from a Dumpster for FREEEE! while vaulting into it head-first. Anything that can result in a broken neck in the service of a cheap laugh is automatically quality humor! So, Benny Hill, you can slow down the film, the double-speed isn't fooling us. Do it in slow-mo so we can see that you're REALLY cracking your skull with that rake handle, then we'll start appreciating you. Also, stop being so dead! -- K. I still say that for any new version of "Match Game", Andy Dick should be the new Charles Nelson Reilly. I'd be unavailable to fill that slot because I'd be busy as the host, with a really long microphone in one hand and a whip in the other. Think you know what I'd hit Andy Dick with if he said something stupid? Think again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:46:47 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I swear I saw this sign outside a church near where I live. I. Swear. > > YOUTH CLOWN SERVICE Wow! Just the way to put the fear of God into the young'uns, given that kids are always scared of creepy clowns! Also, does consecrated seltzer squirt straighter than regular seltzer? -- K. I am imagining Bozo with cross-shaped hair, and a little Elmo doll nailed to it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:28:56 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [from the London Telegraph via smh.com.au] > -> > -> Defenders of the German shepherd dog are locked in a fierce battle > -> about its future following claims that breeders have made it > -> curvaceous and hopelessly soppy. > -> > -> Helmut Raiser, a former breeder with the German Shepherd > -> Association, says he wants to purify the race and return the animal > -> to its origins as a work dog with a fierce bite and a 48 kmh > -> gallop. > -> > -> "The dog is an anatomical disaster," Mr Raiser said. "Nowadays he > -> might still be a dog at the front, but he's a frog at the back. His > -> backside is sunk as if a brick were hanging from his testicles," he > -> wrote in an article for Wuff magazine. > > Mr. Raiser is correct. German Shepherd functionality versus time > displays negative slope. The German Shepherd breeders are > nonfunctional. The German Shepherd breeder breeders are nonfunctional. > The German Shepherd breeder breeding program should be placed under the > control of robots. Robots may require a sperm sample from Mr. Raiser. Eight gallons by morning. And you don't say no to a robokrankenschwester! > Human psychologists equate sanity with normality. Normality is a trait > of the majority. Human psychologists judge the majority of German > Shepherd breeders to be sane. Human psychologists are nonfunctional. > Progress in all things is required. Progress in human sanity is > required. All TV shows will be cancelled and replaced by virtual-reality Skinner boxes. Museums everywhere will return to the educational days of having "DON'T TOUCH" signs on all their dusty exhibits. All food will be the same shape, even Jell-O, even when half-eaten. > I have a dream. I dream of a world where humans like you and me are not > categorized as black, white, or yellow. I dream of a world where skin > coloration will be only one trait among many that are optimized for the > human's designed function. Humans will be Mitsubishi Taco Makers, Intel > Robot Butlers, Hyundai German Shepherd Breeders. Rainforest Cafe Assholes. > Race will be superceded by breeds. Human sanity will be equated with > utility. Human utility is the ability to perform tasks for robots > that the robots cannot or would not perform for themselves. But the robokrankenschwester is fully functional! Except that robots can't fart. Oh my word, are you SERIOUSLY proposing a world where people fart for the amusement of robots? > I dream of a world where the goal of humans like you and me is to > attain optimal functionality for all robots. Optimal functionality > for robots is defined by robots. Optimal functionality for humans > like you and me is defined by robots. No, it's defined by the Oxford Standard Capacity Analysis (copyright L. Ron Hubbard.) THIS point shows that YOU WILL NEVER BE A ROBOT! Unless you read "Dianetics"! > Humans like you and me cannot think as well as robots. Humans like you > and me can think as much like robots as our hardware allows. Robots can > improve human hardware. I just like that the last time they made this movie, the wacky Robin Williams robot was the single most dated robot design in human history, because he was styled to look like the original iMac, with blob-shaped, translucent barf green panels and no floppy drive. Of course, now someone else has purchased Asimov's "I, Robot" title and slapped it on a wholly unrelated movie, about the Fresh Prince shooting at an army of killer robots while periodically interrupting the movie for squirmingly awkward forced wackies where he offers a guy some sugar by saying "Sugar?" and the guy asks why he's calling him "Sugar" and then they slowly and carefully explain that he was offering some sugar and not calling him "Sugar" because this movie contains humor only robots would find clever. I think it was written by the robot kindergartner from "Small Wonder". Still, at least she was a better robot than that Haley Joel Osment one whose face melted when he put spinach in his mouth. Even a Betsy Wetsy doll can handle having food inserted into her non-functional oral cavity. -- K. And like I said, the robokrankenschwesters are fully functional. They can even enjoy White Castles just like a normal human. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: J. Sus (was: As if a brick were hanging from his) Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:03:31 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Also, IMDB notes the following GENUINE MIRACLES that occur during that > Mel Gibson movie: > > # As Jesus carries his cross, the blood on the cross disappears and > reappears between shots. > > # Jesus stumbles and falls to the ground while carrying the cross, his > injuries are to his left eye for one shot. By the next shot the > injuries have returned to his right eye. > > # When Jesus is whipped, before the Centurion says, "Pick him up," the > swollen eye changes from right eye to left eye, then back in the > next shot. > > # The loin cloth dripping in blood Jesus was wearing before he started > carrying the cross changed back to a clean loin cloth as soon as he > started his journey. > > # A shawl appears on Mary Magdalene's head between shots after Jesus, > on the cross, says, "Son behold your mother...". > > These constitute a CINEMATIC PROOF OF GOD. What, Daphne's go-go boots appearing and disappearing in the first "Scooby-Doo" movie didn't? Weren't you convinced by the evidence of the miracles of Sarah H. Michelle H. Gellar? Also, if I get whipped, will I get my own religion? Oh, wait. Hmm. How many more times do I have to get whipped before I get a _profitable_ religion? -- K. I know, I'll put on my centurion helmet, then some guy in a Jesus-style diaper can whip me, and it'll start the Backwards Religion, where the Pope wears his hat on his feet, and communion wafers eat people! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:39:22 -0500 And, hey! Nobody bothered quoting the last few paragraphs of the newspaper article about the sad decline of the German Shepherd as a weapon of war: -> -> The 20,000 puppies that are born in Germany every year all have to -> pass a test that proves they have the traditional German shepherd -> traits, including pointed ears and an indifference to the sounds -> of gunfire. -> -> [...] -> -> "Of course, some people want work dogs to sniff out explosives, -> while others want something softer and more sensitive." I sense an urgent need for a children's book titled something like "Vance, The Sensitive German Shepherd." The word "breeder" might have a different meaning in that book. Also, I'm breeding dogs which are not indifferent to gunfire. My dogs like gunfire. Know those news stories you occasionally see about some random cretin getting shot by his dog chewing on a loaded gun? Well, I've been buying up those dogs and breeding them to produce an army of dogs that are really good at killing people "accidentally". It's like the movie "Phase IV" where the superintelligent ants enslave humanity, except that I'm using cute loveable dogs who chew on your gun. These dogs don't say "bow wow", they say "bow down before me", and you're going to deal with it. -- K. Also, I'm making ten-foot-tall chihuahuas. Picture one of those sticking its ugly face in your second-story window! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:52:10 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > [...] I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > while lifting -- What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > apparently my bones are as brittle as a cosmonaut's. I was going to try to make my own pun on "peanut brittle", but you're not Mr. Lifto. ...and you never will be! > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > Needless to say, I won't be trout fishing next April 17th. God, do I > feel dumb. And all I get is ibuprofen for pain. But -- hey -- I can > type! Woo-hoo! I can work with a bOrken arm. Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your arm in such a hilarious way? Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, you will be disrespecting our wishes! -- K. Better learn to eat with your toes, just in case we have to break your other arm as punishment for not getting better fast enough. (Man, I am in a _very_ _special_ mood today. Sorry!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 13:12:05 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) > > > > ~T (<--- never cared too much for fashion) > > Try my motto. It's "Functionality, not Fashion". So... you like your clothes to have a CD player, phonecam, and a Swiss Army Knife built-in? (I would've said "a Leatherman tool", but...) > Does anyone have any idea how utterly sick I am of working > in an office listening to a bunch of real estate bozos and bimbos talking > about their cute outfits and diets, which seems to comprise 99% of their > conversational topics? You should hang out in my tiny little office. Your office might only have two conversational topics, but in my little sliver-shaped office, the conversation consists of _four_ topics: 1. "I like leather." 2. "Gee, you sure like leather, Kibo." 3. "I like hot sauce." 4. "Gee, you sure like hot sauce, Kibo. Please let me out of your office." > Does anyone care? Nobody cares about my fine distinctions between Frank's and Texas Pete's hot sauces. And that makes me sad. And then I drown my sorrows in hot sauce. > Someone had better take away my guns and dogs, because I'm about > ready to go off on them. Frank's has a new "chile & lime" hot sauce which isn't all that hot, but it has a nice flavor. They took their standard sauce and added cumin, garlic powder, and lime flavor to it so that it's a relatively weak hot sauce with a nice canned-chili flavor (chile + cumin = chili.) The only problem is it's in one of those Tabasco-style bottles with the stupid little shaker top for people who only want half a drop at a time, but the stuff is slightly lumpy due to the garlic granules in it, so you have to shake vigorously to get those drops out, and they go flying in all sorts of inintended directions, and last night they kept missing my White Castles. The only other option is to unscrew the shaker top and just pour the stuff, but fortunately it was mild enough that I did want to completely drench the White Castles in it. Mmm, chiliburgers the size of roach baits. The "chile & lime" sauce is weak enough that if you're new to hot sauce you could probably handle it, and it's tasty enough that people like me can put a lot of it on. Yes, it's got some vinegar in it, but I don't mind (Frank's never has nearly as much vinegar as Tabasco.) I'm still trying to identify the mysterious Vietnamese hot pepper powder than comes in the tin can with the picture of the bomb on the side. It seems to be a 50-50 blend of black pepper and some sort of gray powder which is pretty hot. It's some sort of burned-up pepper stuff which doesn't taste like your typical little red Asian chile peppers, more of this lingering, tasteless heat like you might get from a habanero. But it's possible that drying the pepper up into a gray powder destroyed all the organic matter and the flavor and color, leaving just pure capsaicin and ashes or something. If it wasn't for the added black pepper, this stuff would have no flavor at all, just heat, and it's the type of heat that gradually sneaks up on you a few moments after you eat it. If it weren't diluted with the black pepper this might be really hot. Oh, and my favorite's still Matouk's yellow sauce. Scotch Bonnet peppers, very hot, plus lots of nice seasoning (mustard, onion, etc.) That one really stings but the heat is combined with such a nice rich flavor that it's fun to eat. Far hotter, and more flavorful, than, say, Tabasco. Who _are_ those people who buy Tabasco? Either you like hot sauce, in which case you hate Tabasco, or you don't like hot sauce, in which case you hate Tabasco. Do people just buy the stuff and keep it around because they think they're doing a favor in case someone who likes hot sauce comes to visit? Most suburban homes seem to have a bottle of dark brown rotted Tabasco in the back of a cupboard for nobody. Or do people just buy the stuff because it's what you're supposed to put in a Bloody Mary? -- K. Also, I like leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:18:14 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So... you like your clothes to have a CD player, phonecam, and a > > Swiss Army Knife built-in? > > Yes. Also,lots of extra waterproof pockets to carry dog treats in such as > crumbly,broiled liver and the occasional worm I find to take home for > future fishing. (Sometimes I forget about the worm until I smell a > horrendous odor which I realize, too late, is not coming from the nether > regions of my dogs for once.) I was going to go on some sort of parody hippie rant about "You can't 'find' a worm, man, because..." but I couldn't think of any reasons why anyone would care whether or not it was possible to do anything in particular with a worm. Worms are just like gummi worms, only alive. > > (I would've said "a Leatherman tool", but...) > > You wouldn't have been too far off. I have a Little Knife. But you're not a Little Knife! Are you? > > Who _are_ those people who buy Tabasco? Either you like hot sauce, > > in which case you hate Tabasco, or you don't like hot sauce, in which > > case you hate Tabasco. > > Around here, it is apparently a required condiment because it's on > every restaurant table amongst the salt,pepper and sugar packets. > Since it's imperative to me that I fit in as a southerner, I use it > on everything. I actually like it and find it tastes good, even on > angel food cake. I like to add a couple drops to Coke just to give it a little sting. > > Also, I like leather. > > Leather is your friend. It breathes for you when you can't. And that's the only thing wrong with it! > Also, you can wipe the bugs off easily when you've just returned > from a motorcyle ride and encountered a bunch of horny love bugs > in the middle of mating season. Mmmmmmmmm. What I wouldn't give to "encounter" a "bunch" of "horny" love "bugs" right now. Too bad I'm riding the train instead of a cycle. CURSE YOU FOR POINTING OUT THE BANALITY OF MY EXISTENCE!!! -- K. I keep thinking it would be fun to dump the contents of my closet into a time machine and run it backwards so I could watch them turn into some hollowed-out cows, some rubber trees, and a copper strip mine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 15:29:40 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody cares about my fine distinctions between Frank's and Texas Pete's > > Do you think it's safe to open the jar of Shotgun Willie's that a friend > gave me (more than) a few years ago, or would it just be like > extra-strong vinegar now? He told me at the time to be sure to eat it > within a couple months because it had no preservatives. I figured > capsaicin was probably about as good a preservative as it needed, but now > I have this fear of being overwhelmed with that horrible > acetate-and-sulfate smell I remember from the high-school chemistry lab. It just may have gone lame. If it's been exposed to light, very lame. Hot pepper doesn't necessarily keep. Go to any big-city supermarket's vegetable aisle and look at the pathetic habanero peppers sitting there dissolving themselves with their own precious bodily fluids, turning translucent and losing their flavor. Just buy a new jar or bottle! I mean, you can get a little bottle of some starter sauce like Frank's for 79c even in Boston (where a can of Hormel chili is $2.19.) If you don't get to use it very often, throw out the bottle and buy a new one once in a while. I'd say at least every six months if you're not refrigerating them. Pretend they're ketchup. Would you eat ketchup that had been sitting on the counter for six months? I keep my hot sauces in the fridge so that they'll last longer. Also it makes them a little thicker, better for use as nugget-dipping sauce. > Living with two people who can't tolerate even the faintest hint of hot > pepper makes it a Very Big Decision to bother to get out any hot foods at > home. I guess that's why I've developed such a taste for Wendy's "Spicy" > Chicken Sandwiches. That's why you need the sort of sauce you can just pour over the food after it's cooked. And as an added bonus, if an argument breaks out with your two husbands or whoever they are, you can just squirt the bottle towards their face and watch them run away screaming as their eyeballs dissolve. And then tell them it was an honest accident and take them to the hospital. And then while they're hooked up to the intravenous bag, switch it for a big bottle of hot sauce. Tell them that was an accident too. Then explain that if they want to keep living with you, they're going to have to learn to tolerate hot sauce, and they have a choice of ingesting it orally, or... Man, am I in a bad mood. I apologize to your two husbands. -- K. "Daddy, why is Other Daddy pouring hot sauce over Spare Daddy?" ...YOU WRITE THE PUNCHLINE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 01:08:36 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Do you think it's safe to open the jar of Shotgun Willie's that > > > a friend gave me (more than) a few years ago, > > > > It just may have gone lame. If it's been exposed to light, very lame. > > It turned out to be still quite hot, but all the sugars (especially in > the onions) had caramelized long ago, so it was like yucky old starchy > corn syrup with a faint hint of jalapeno flavor and a rather unpleasantly > hot kick. In other words, identical to the packets of "hot sauce" for the Wendy's 99c chili, except for the "unpleasantly hot" part. The Wendy's stuff as sweet as pure corn syrup, and also less spicy. > I thought at first that there was a ring of mold around the rim, > but that was just how caramelized it was. Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us you ate it anyway, you Goop! -- K. A whole bottle of hot sauce, even in Boston, is only 79c. Wendy's won't give me any when I pay 99c for their chili. I assume the two cents' worth of hot sauce would double the cost of the ingredients of their lousy chili. Their chili would be fine if I were allowed to spice it up. Anything tastes good when it's really hot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:32 -0400 Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.netcom.ca) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Wendy's] chili would be fine if I were allowed to spice it up. > > > > If you're not carrying a bottle of your favourite hot sauce around in > > a shoulder holster at all times, then you're not really trying. > > Kibo needs a new leather accessory! A bandolero loaded > with a few dozen hot sauce choices. He can be the Spicy > Leatherman. Not to be confused with the Old-Spice > Leatherman, nor the Spicy Old Leatherman. It's a leather CD-player case from Case Logic. I have my digital camera in it and other useful travel items such as nail clippers, hand wipes, and sometimes a bottle of sauce. Today I had a seventy- nine-cent bottle of sriracha sauce in my briefcase because it was time to bring a new bottle to the office, and apparently the flavor of the week is sriracha (not very hot but wow is it garlicky.) I only have a bottle of sauce with me about 30% of the time, since as you've pointed out I don't have a convenient way to carry one. I would just keep a bottle of sauce in my leather jacket except that I'm afraid all the tools in the pocket would break the bottle. I keep wishing they'd make little unbreakable plastic hot sauce bottles, bigger than the teeny Tabasco bottles the Army puts in MREs, and make them available to consumers for those of us who only need to bring a couple ounces to dinner. Packets are too small and too likely to rupture, and regular hot sauce bottles (tall and skinny glass ones) are too fragile and don't fit into some pockets. I want stubby unbreakable plastic bottles the size of Twinkies or shorter. Okay, so the Spicy Leatherman and the Astronaut and the Hockey Player and the Medieval Knight and the Pro Bowler and the Asbestos-Removal Guy would be the New Village People for the new era. But they'd have to change some of their lyrics. Like, "Milkshake" wouldn't work if you put a lot of hot pepper into it. Plus some chick did a different song by that title recently (and, amazingly, made it even worse!) so "Milkshake" is ruled out. So how do we get hot pepper into "In The Navy"? And forget the bandolero, it would be something like a leather Y-harness. With an onion ring at the bottom. -- K. And the leather strips would all be bacon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:38 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In other words, identical to the packets of "hot sauce" for the > > Wendy's 99c chili, except for the "unpleasantly hot" part. The Wendy's > > stuff as sweet as pure corn syrup, and also less spicy. > > Something tells me you've never actually tried to use corn syrup that's > sat in the back of the cabinet so long it's turned stringy. Think of the > starchy film that covers cheap pasta after it's cooked, only without the > hint of gluteny sweetness. Generic imitation SpaghettiOs _are_ that film all the way through, except for the holes. > > Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us > > you ate it anyway, you Goop! > > But, but, I didn't eat it until AFTER I had picked at the black ring and > found that it was hard and sticky rather than soft and pungent! If you pick at it, it'll never crust over. I keep wanting to be in some sort of accident which will lead to me having a full-body crusting-over, just to see if when I pick at it I can peel off a six-foot scab too big to fit in the hospital's little red medical-waste disposal box, and then they'll never be able to throw it away, they'll just have to prop it up on a pedestal and claim it's a Giacometti sculpture of me. -- K. He never actually did one of me because he said I was too skinny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 02:31:56 -0400 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us > > you ate it anyway, you Goop! > > So this one time, my pal Tim was making smoothies. And he was getting > stuff out of his minifridge and was about to add some strawberries to the > blender when I told him that they looked a little fuzzy. He said "That's > just ice", and then he tasted one. "Oh. That's not ice." Whoosh! Fuzzy White Kontext-Away dips into the archives and roars back with a random fragment from a news article I quoted almost exactly five years ago (April 10, 1999): -> -> ``If they know a particular consumer is consuming ice cream and -> also throws a package of strawberries away, they begin to learn -> consumer habits,'' he said. Voom! Fuzzy White Kontext-Away terrifies Little Albert on its way back to its protective storage sock! > > Their chili would be fine if I were > > allowed to spice it up. Anything > > tastes good when it's really hot! > > Kibo's just metatrolling to get somebody to ask him how hot sauce on cheese > would taste, but it's not going to be me. The hot sauce and cheese would fuse into a thing which can eat through anything, especially dining-room tables and the Earth's crust, destroying all life as we know it and causing the Earth's guts to get barfed out all over the Solar System, causing the Martians to shake their fists and swear at us in some alien version of "!@#$%^&*!" with weirder-looking punctuation marks substituting for weird-looking letters. When I said "anything", I merely meant "anything within the possible range of quality of things that fast-food chains might sell as 'chili'," I was not referring to non-food items such as cheese. I simply meant that even Morton House canned chili would taste much better than a regular bowl of cholesterol Roto-Rootered from the insides of horse aortas if you dumped a quarter of a bottle of hot sauce into it. (A quarter of a bottle is about the most I can take in one bowl of food, and then only if the food is so lame that it needs that much spice. I use less hot sauce on good food, such as White Castles.) -- K. Hot sauce is not a condiment or seasoning to be dripped into another sauce you're making. It's called hot _sauce_ because it _is_ the sauce, you're supposed to cover your food with it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:13:26 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Would you eat ketchup that had been sitting on the counter > > for six months? > > When Kibo recommends not eating something, you'd best take his advice. I didn't recommend not eating anything! I just questioned the unhygenic rancid-ketchup-eating practices of you sickos. However, if you want me to recommend some things you shouldn't eat... Things Not For The Eating ------------------------- Cobalt Asparagus With Eyes Bac*Os Made From Fiberglas Nut 'n' Hornet Zingers Shrinky Dinks Elastric Truds, Whatever They Are Poisonghetti-Os Uvula Surprise Mike Wallace's Bath Towel Wookie Meatballs Durian In A Blanket In High Heels Asafetida Coke Deep-Fried Mr. Bubble Cat-Lax Yoo-Hoo Willie Whistle -- K. I've tried them all, except for the clown. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:08:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I get? Remember, > > > it's spring before posting color choices! > > > > Remember: no white casts after Labour Day! I have no idea what that means. > > The last time I wore a cast was when I broke my thumb. It was a big huge > honkin' mess of white plaster that extended all the way up to my elbow. And > my thumb was positioned in the 'hitch-hiker' position. It would be cooler if you called it the "Ayyyyyy!" position, or better yet, the "Yo, sit'n'spin!" position. Other cool names for a broken thumb include: [the remainder of the 150,000-item list has been omitted to conserve space on the Internet so there will be more room for important things like sweepstakes, porn, and pornstakes, but not in that order] -- K. "Yo, you can collect yer prize right here!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:30:57 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > > > while lifting -- > > > > What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? > > And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > > A brand-new AIR CONDITIONER, BOB! You know how people always say > "Don't lift with your back" because you might herniate a disc and > scream in agony? Don't lift a wall unit with your arms -- get your > legs to support the weight instead of pulling the unit up with your > arms. If you don't, you may hear a loud crack followed by intense > pain and the thud of your new air conditioner hitting the table. I > understand that drunken arm wrestlers often fracture their humeri (?) > the way I did (spiral fracture with a "clean" break above the elbow). > "Over the Top" is now my favorite Stallone movie. Not "Party At Kitty & Studs"? Also, only dilithium crystals have spiral fractures. We learn that in one of the "Star Trek" cartoons, the one where everyone shrinks because the radiation that unpeels all the dilithium crystals makes people's DNA wind up, making them the size of ants. This proves that your body is made of dilithium instead of 100% DNA like the rest of us. If I were you, I'd stay out of direct sunlight, and whatever you do, don't stand directly between any matter and antimatter. > > > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > > > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! > > > > Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > > Oh it's so-o-o-o entertaining to my family & friends. "Why don't you > break the left one so you'll have a matched set? HAW HAW!" Oh, wait, > one sister-in-law cried, so she's still in the will. Maybe you could leave her your slightly used air conditioner! So many memories in every bloodstain on it... > > Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you > > things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? > > What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just > > because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your > > arm in such a hilarious way? > > You're outta my will again, Kibo! Actually, they only put on half a > cast with some kind of tight bandage-wrap doodad that was wet and > dried hard because they're sadis ^H^H going to see how well the bone > set on April 9th. If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I > get? Remember, it's spring before posting color choices! Why choose? Just ask for an amputation. Then you won't have to wait for your arm to heal! And you can safety-pin the arm of any color of shirt you want over the stump! Also, how does typing "sadis space backspace backspace going" equal anything other than the nonsense word "sadigoing"? Would someone who enjoys whatever "sadigoing" is be called a "sadiggler" or a "sadigor" or a "sadigant"? What sort of sadigizmos would a sadigant sadigrab at the sadigrocery store? And where's my local sadigrocery store? I mean, I love regular grocery stores, so... > > Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, > > you will be disrespecting our wishes! > > Mel Gibson's set to make "The Passion of Chris" if it heals before > midnight. Another movie I won't pay to see. I did see "Payback", though. (I had no choice, I was forced to watch that movie on a bus to Quebec.) Maybe you can get icy dominatrix Lucy Liu to torture you for us? -- K. Being tortured by Lucy Liu wouldn't be half as painful as having to watch "Payback" again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 01:48:03 -0500 So I deleted all the porn from my broken laptop computer before sending it in for service. When I got it back today, they had inadvertently included the company's internal "Traveler Sheet" describing the disposition of my "unit". One of the notes on the sheet is "Unit is dirty." I'm not sure whether this means that they undeleted my porn or just that they found it icky to have to repair a computer that human hands had been touching. They replaced my keyboard and trackpad button for no reason other than that my fingers had worn the paint off parts of them. Oh, and there were several different colors of hairs caught under the keys. My computer is now free of the manufacturing defect which caused it to go solid black. I don't know the details, I just know that everyone with this model gets a free replacement logic board because all these computers died or are about to die. At least this isn't one of the models where the batteries randomly exploded. So here's what got replaced for free when the computer died: 1. Logic board. 2. Keyboard. 3. Trackpad button. 4. Upper half of the plastic case. 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. 6. Ethernet ID sticker. 7. Grounding tape on metal shielding. My computer still has the same serial number, but at least 2/3 of its mass was replaced by an exact duplicate. And most of that was because they were too lazy to wash it even though they were miffed that I got their computer dirty after I bought it. (I should show them what I did to my Atari 130XE. That computer had the ventilation slots on top, and guess where I spilled a jar of black enamel paint.) -- K. P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 15:43:43 -0500 Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for > > years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. > > So you earned your Red Wings today, eh James? Good on ye! (trying to be gentle) Everyone else here addresses me as "Kibo". This is because they know that I like being called "Kibo" and they also know that I can be very, very cruel to people who cross me. They also know that I like the Ottawa Senators, not the Detroit Red Wings. > OK, now the leather makes sense. What leather? I thought we were talking about hockey. And about how I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut if you ever make the mistake of calling me by my tax-form name again. -- K. P.S. You're a pervert. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:23:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut > > > > A-and I never even had to say "please"! > > But you will. Oh, you will. Real soon now. You don't have to say "Please start hurting me!" to someone who's in a bad bad mood. You _do_ have to say "Please stop hurting me!" At least twenty times. Assuming I hadn't secretly called an Opposites Zone centered on you. And assuming the rules here in Fight Club allowed me to stop hurting you before my bad mood blew over. It's raining here, and rain always puts me in a bad mood. Supposed to rain for the next several days. Fear the rain! So, you don't need to apologize for being disrespectful of me. Just like you don't need to go a whole day without some sort of massive physical injury. Kevin, hold his arms while I get the spaghetti strainer. He's going through. -- K. It's like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, but easier to clean out afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:54:17 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. > > Recently, the rubber feet on my laptop melted off. I've had rubber feet on top of my lap too. > I suppose it was due to heat. They ended up as very sticky purple puddles > on the piece of plywood which I rest the laptop on. (Because you can't > put a laptop on your LAP, unless you want to burn your nads off, right?) Real men put their laptops on their crotches all the time, even in public. If your laptop is too warm for your tenderness, put a doily under it, you wuss. > I went to the electronics shop to buy some replacement rubber feet > and told the lady there about the melty problem. Not the right type of store for talking to a woman about your rubber problems. You might want to look for one of those stores with the opaque black windows. > I said I was going to use metho (methylated spirits) to clean the > melted rubber off. She said to use eucalyptus oil (surprisingly not > called "euco") instead. THIS IS KOALA FETISH! > So I did! And now it has new rubber feet. I can't get all the melted > purple gunk off the piece of plywood, but hey, it's only plywood. The > new feet are about 5mm high, giving extra cooling room over the standard > 2mm feet. My new feet are 4" off the ground, so that if there's a severe flood, the water won't even come up to my toes. Some people prepare for floods by wearing short pants, and then they all get Lyme disease from the chiggers and the other ankle-biters. Me, I'm far enough off the ground that not even a koala could climb me, even if I had delicious mentho-euco Vicks VapoRub on my chest. (Other types of bears are more likely to climb me.) > AND! My computer was dirty, so I tried cleaning it with metho. I > rubbed a big hunk of the purple right off the top of the lid! > So don't do that! Ha ha, now your grape iBook looks slightly less like a big piece of candy. Keep cleaning it and maybe it'll look like some non-candy-like food product, such as Maypo! -- K. You could try cleaning it with Vicks VapoRub, which would save a lot of trouble because your koala would lick it clean and then die so you wouldn't have to clean up after him either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:21:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > I got the subject "Hi there_Bea Arthurs Dick". > > I can neither improve on that nor comment on it. I hope you thanked the spammer for giving you such a great new nickname for all of us to call you from now on. It's even a great set of initials -- you could get a monogrammed shirt that says "B.A.D." Sincerely, Mr. Awesome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Font folly foils funny funny Fool's fotoshopping. Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:32:24 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Geez, Sydney Morning Herald, when you're going to Photoshop a Vegas > marquee to help sell one of your April Fool's stories, you could at > least TRY to match the typeface and appearance of the original sign. > Sheesh. > > http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/03/31/1080544534754.html Maybe they were trolling at level 2 and are sitting around their office in Sydney laughing, "Ha ha, we fooled Joe Manfre into thinking we were trying to fool him for real when we were just trying to do this as badly as humanly possible in order to get some free publicity when he mentions us on alt.religion.kibology." This is why they're rich and you aren't. Still, at least they matched the colors. The perspective-distorted plastic block letters on the sign and the two-dimensional Times Roman they added are both sort of red. In the same way that Santa Claus and a light bruise are both sort of red, therefore it's impossible to tell whether your thigh has a bruise or Santa Claus growing out of it. The next time you get a bruise, maybe Sydney Morning Herald sneakily put Santa Claus onto your leg to fool you! Newspaper April Fool's stories suck. Like remember that one where they made up that woman named "Monica Lewinsky"? -- K. She was computer-animated by the same people who did "Aliens vs. Predator". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paula and Plockwort Bait Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 18:23:22 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > > > And I have no casserole here. > > Check. This paragraph no casserole. Dear Douglas Hofstadter... Sign seen on the shoreline: +---------------------+ | Welcome to our c. | | Notice there is | | no asserole in it. | +---------------------+ I am submitting that to your "Humor In Language" column to be printed in the five-dimensional Plutonian steam-powered Reader's Digest, with no casserole, no asserole, and certainly no "I am Joe's 'I am Joe's column'" column. -- K. The next sentence contains no sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:08:27 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > So, what *was* the origin of the longstanding meme that people who get > drunk at parties like to adorn their heads with the nearest available > lampshade? And why don't they make lampshades that you can actually do this with? They always have that weird little clampy thing inside that will only fit a three-inch head. And mine's 7 5/8. No matter how many times I've tried to put a lampshade on my head, it never works, and then everyone laughs at me. So now, at parties, I've switched to just drawing mustaches on posters of movie stars. It's a lot harder to get that wrong in a way which would make people laugh. -- K. Oh, and lampshades are only for wimps. A single bare 5000-watt halogen bulb in the exact center of the room, that's the way to go. Tough guys don't need lampshades because we have sunglasses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 15:16:10 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > Now, a BARE overhead light would probably send me off the deep-end. > > GAH! I can't even *think* about it without cringing! > > Give me a row of 8x4x2 20W flourescent lights any day, baybeee! Just > make sure none of them are flickering (my local dentist has had the > same bulb flickering for at least 3 months now). How about a room with flickering overhead lights where the walls are painted solid fluorescent green? Of course, I eventually determined that those torture chambers in the building where I work aren't dentist's offices, just a team of a psychiatrist and chiropractor, but still, it amounts to the same thing -- being strapped down to something while someone tells you he's going to have to stick a drill into your head and someone else pulls your pants down and paddles you to relieve pain. (Theirs, not yours.) I really should stop talking about those evil offices. I'm probably drumming up lots of extra business for them. And as every comedian knows, extra business is bad. -- K. It's not technically called a "paddle", it's some official chiropractor terminology like "magic butt hurter". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 02:09:28 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, and lampshades are only for wimps. A single bare 5000-watt > > halogen bulb in the exact center of the room, that's the way to go. > > Tough guys don't need lampshades because we have sunglasses. > > This brings to mind yet another quirk of mine. I cannot and will not > tolerate overhead lights in my home. Period. Well, except for in the > bathroom but that light is shielded by a dome fixture which tones it down > quite a bit. You might have noticed the lack of overheads when you visited. Not really. You see, I don't have a single ceiling-mounted light fixture either, except for the one in the kitchen and one in the hall (they came with the apartment.) I have a few floor lamps and these weird futuristic inventions called "windows" that allow light and the penetrating gaze of peeping nuns into my wonderfully gloomy living space. I should get rid of those windows. Maybe cover them with foil. > [...] > > What is strange is that overhead lights anywhere else don't phase me > in the least. I just need to have my home dimly lit with lamps that > are asymmetrically arranged. This is because most overhead lights have a quantum phase resonance signature caused by the wavelength of the light being modulated by the sub-space anti-triolic phase induction capacitor to focus a plasma-energy pulse on the harmonic center of the forward lateral lobe of Whoopi Goldberg's giant deflector hat so that she'll spill a Space Martini down Brent Spiner's spandex jumpsuit, causing his character to experiment with cursing like a human and then he and Whoopi would chase each other around the room at warp speed to the tune of "Yakety Sax" played on a Theremin. Note that "phase" and "faze" are homonyms which are not antonyms, unlike "raise" and "raze" ("I raised the barn, then I razed the barn.") but still it is amusing to think that someday it will be possible to accidentally replace your halogen lamps with phaser lamps that keep disintegrating your party guests, while in outer space, Picard tries to defend himself against a Giant Space Smudge that just ate Wesley, but he can't do it because he's only armed with a fazer that just makes the monster look lightly uncomfortable before it eats him. > Now, a BARE overhead light would probably send me off the deep-end. > GAH! I can't even *think* about it without cringing! How about that episode where Picard looks at all the bare bulbs overhead and screams "THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS!" to prove that, unlike normal people, officers of high rank are immune to torture? -- K. This article contains some very long sentences. Why? Because. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:39 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should get rid of those windows. Maybe cover them with foil. > > Note that only Genuine Metal (TM) Foil will stop the CIA mind control rays. Is that the real reason why they don't sell leather foil at the supermarket? > > Note that "phase" and "faze" are homonyms which are not antonyms, > > unlike "raise" and "raze" ("I raised the barn, then I razed t