From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quorn in the news Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:22:03 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that millions > > -> of Europeans have eaten for years. > > I think this sentence is about some alternate-reality Europe... even > if sometimes I reluctantly admit that Britain is rechnically a part > of Europe. Come taste the world-renowned wonders of British cuisine! IT'S NOT A PART, IT'S A PENINSULA!!! > Italian doesn't have separate everyday words for "fungus" and "mushroom", > although we could use "muco" or "mucillagine", that are pretty descriptive > already; you got to get slightly technical to underline the subtle > difference (now I ooze and now I don't). Therefore I think it would > be all right for us to eat Quorn, provided that anybody dares to market > it here. I need to check whether someone already has. It would be interesting to manufacture a dairy product with Quorn germs floating in it so that we could call it "muco moocow" and kids would drink it just because it would have a funny name, which is more important than the way it would taste like bleccccch. > > -> News reports said a soaring world population would starve within > > -> decades unless a plentiful protein source was found. Petroleum and > > -> chemical companies began coaxing potentially edible yeasts, molds > > -> and bacteria to grow on nutrients such as sugar cane, cassava, > > -> petroleum waste and manure. > > Actually, many insects are a perfectly good source of useful proteins. > This does not make me want to eat cockroaches, even if they turn out > to taste just like chickenroaches. You check first. I like how people freak out whenever they find out the difference between natural and artificial red colors in their candy. Natural red candy has things that look like ladybugs in it, or at least their exoskeletons. Artificial red candy is made from nice clean chemicals. Now choose! > > -> But the fungus they finally selected was British-grown > > I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!! Yet another fine product of British cuisine! > Forever gone are the times of beefsteaks and roastbeefs... welcome > quornsteak and roachbeef! Steak-and-kidney pie will be replaced by something gross, like steak-and-Quorn pie! > > myco-, muco-, what's the difference? > > A forked letter that ancient Greek had, but early Latin did not have. > > Speaking of Latins and their rotten, mouldy, yeasty substances, have you > ever wondered where the "gar" syllable in "vinegar" comes from? Allow me to reference the thousand articles I posted last year about the Latin word "garum". And trust me, eating a spoonful of garum is not as pleasant as drinking a big glass of vinegar. > Don't let them take all the FUN out of FUNGI! And don't let them take all the FUNGUS out of FUNYUNS! -- K. Suddenly I'm hungry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:53:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > "Albertsons Inc. increased its nationwide footprint Friday by > announcing a nearly $2.5 billion purchase of Shaw«s Supermarkets, a > chain based in New England." Shaw's acquired Star a few years ago (hence my old Prudential Star because The Shaw's At Prudential) and Albertson's owns Safeway and various other things, including Trader Joe's. In other words, they own almost everything that Supervalu, Food Lion, and Disney don't. > The dead-tree version of the story includes a picture of the Shaws > Market near/in/under the Prudential Building. You know, the market > designed by I. M. Pei. I thought that market was designed by Pablo Picasso after he drank a quart of Sterno after he had been dead for fifty years after having his brain crushed by a giant robot that wanted him to design a crazy-shaped supermarket with four-dimensional aisles. > Soon, you and I will be shopping at the same grocery store, though not > in the same city, and not necessarily at the same time. It goes > without saying that we will be buying different stuff. From now on, I'm buying all my staples at 7-Eleven. Or the gas station that has the good burritos. -- K. I wonder who owns Bampy's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 22:37:32 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...grocery receipt...] > > > > Grecian Formula 16 7.99 > > Only in a newsgroup dedicated to a man with Tiger Lily colored hair who > tries the most disgusting foods imaginable would someone both admit to > this purchase and call it "groceries." It's only been Tiger Lily for the past week. Before then, I had been using Infra Red (I had planned to use Tiger Lily, but the colors weren't behaving.) And there have been two days in the past two weeks when I had golden hair (as in metallic yellow, not as in blond) but nobody got to see me. The Tiger Lily is a nice bright orange, but it's a bit light for my pale complexion and current dark couture, so I'd like to go with a reddish-black or orangish-black. I might even consider dark blue. I'm still using Electric Lava on my beard, but I think I want a more blood-like maroon. Problem is, none of the Manic Panic colors gives me a good dark red (as opposed to pink or orange) and of course all brilliant red hair coloring fades out very fast (bright red dyes aren't as stable as, say, blues.) I may also just shave my head again (especially as my pricey new hat is too small and I can't find a good way to stretch it.) And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. They just don't go with my current look. -- K. I am not a nerd! I am a robot! No, wait... I am not a robot! I am a 6'7" Space Viking! With a 50000 foot boat of clear steel! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:07:33 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, > > my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. > > Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > after, though. I don't mind "does not compute", it's just that one pair of nerd glasses can completely overwhelm everything else. Maybe mirrorshades would help? -- K. I've catalogued four types of reaction so far. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:16:31 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > > > ***THUD*** > > Kibo, make that five types of reaction. Yeah, I think we'll score that in the "win" column. I got a nice new one today when I was on my way to buy a handful of little padlocks. Since the weather was nice, I was wearing my leathers and sentry cap, the sort of hat that practically has a neon sign sticking out of it saying "THAT type of leatherman! THAT type of leatherman!" This guy ahead of me on the "up" escalator turned around, pointed to the general vicinity of my midriff (from about three feet away) and said, "I like that." I said "Thanks." He said "I envy you. I really do." I suspect he was just trying to say "Leather makes you look cool," not coming onto me. (Folks with his skin color don't usually enjoy pretending situations which could involve whips or calling someone "master".) He didn't have that special look in his eye, didn't trigger my sadar at all. He just liked my leathers in a platonic way. Bless his innocent little heart for admiring my handsomeness for wholly non-perverted reasons. My beauty is admired by all, even nice vanilla folks. -- K. "I envy you" will be hard to top, though I do expect a "Holy shit!" within a week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:13:39 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > > > I don't think you understand how much the glasses are part of the > > > whole "??? does not compute" look. Maybe that's not what you're > > > after, though. > > > > Maybe mirrorshades would help? > > ***THUD*** Uh oh, my "does not compute" attitude just broke Darla. She fell off the floor again. Sorry, Darla, I didn't mean to make you crash and burn. I guess now wouldn't be the right time to tell you about the boots I recently ordered. These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! You know, their stuff is so gay it's gotta be unintentionally gay, because real gay people never get that gay. We're talking ruffled pirate shirts and bike shorts with padded crotches and brocaded frock-coats and stuff. But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". These boots have big thick masculine soles. Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ four-inch heels. Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, but these boots could cover an entire White Castle, not that you'd be able to look down and see it from that far up. Maybe I should get a periscope so I'll be able to see what I'm stomping on. Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if you count all the leather, which you'd better. When I get the boots I'll have to measure myself by putting them on and going to the convenience store, assuming the stickers by the door go up to 6'8". (One of the local ones put up their stickers two inches low, so I should measure myself at that one. Better yet, I should just rob it, since I could prove in court that I'm not 6'10". That would be just ridiculously tall.) -- K. I predict I'm going to be spending a lot of time standing in front of a mirror practicing saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 23:58:35 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were > > in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from > > International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! > > So faggy it's VIRILE! Uh-oh, I'm going to tell Mr. Garrison you said the f-word without getting bleeped. I think we just learned something about you. Hey, Mark, did you MOW the lawn today? Do you like to MOW the lawn? MOW? Get it? MOW? Didja get it, or didja MOW it? > > But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance sale. > > [...] The brand is "Destroy". > > "Destroy" is the user instructions. One-third of them. The pamphlet says "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" They also sell a shampoo which is "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Repeat! Dilute! OK!" Thankfully, those instructions are easier to follow than the competing brand of shampoo, where the directions are just "Repeat!" > > These boots have big thick masculine soles. > > VIRILE! Butch, bucko. > > Nice solid heels shaped like cubes. Heel-shaped cubes. With treads. > > VIRILE! Butch, bonzo. > > Okay, so they're not cubes, but my point is that these are _manly_ > > four-inch heels. > > VIRILE! Butch, Boraxo. > > Women wear heels suitable for crushing grapes, > > THOSE AREN'T GRAPES! And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." Then the girl threw his grapes on the floor and stepped on them. The classroom was nearly silent -- the grapes just let out a little wine. -- K. Wny does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? BECAUSE HE LIKES IT! And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? Do you want to MOW the fifth grade? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:17:32 -0500 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the pupil of > > the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't been paying > > attention in class, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed." > > Was that Miss McKenzie? Okay, you win! I don't get it. But at least I'm not disappointed. > > And why do you people keep turning this into fifth grade? > > Fifth grade is sorta like a black hole 'cos it's everywhere in the universe > and it sucks and all the people you never wanted to see again are in there > CRUSHED UP CLOSE TO YOU so you can't avoid TASTING THEIR COOTIES. But cooties have no flavor. That's why you can't tell you're getting AIDS from eating the cooties that jumped onto your TV dinner at the supermarket. -- K. If you've ever eaten a TV dinner, you've got AIDS now, unless it had a "NO COOTIES" sticker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Big Big Boots (was: Grocery Store News for Kibo) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:31:44 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] But [International Male] did have one pair of boots I liked, > > and on clearance sale. (Actually, they had two pairs, but I only > > wanted the size 11s. Someone else can have the last remaining pair > > of those, which are size 13.) The brand is "Destroy". > > If you knew how hard it was to find decent shoes in size 13 you wouldn't > make jokes fun of them. Oh wait, I just said "decent" which really doesn't > have much to do with the shoes you're talking about here. You're reminding me how I miss my old size 30 Soviet jackboots. I'll never find another pair. I don't wear them any more because I have several other pairs of boots which don't have large holes in them, but I can't bear to throw the old size 30s out. They're like close friends. I've been all over the place in them. Soviet size 30 is about American size 12 extra-wide. I can wear anything from 10 1/2 to 12 depending on how the shoes are shaped. My current favorite boots are 11 and pretty narrow, they fit quite tightly. I'm usually most comfortable in an 11 1/2 (my feet aren't that long but I have long prehensile toes which need lots of wiggle room.) > > Between those boots and my new hat I should be 6'7" to 6'8", if > > you count all the leather, which you'd better. > > Kibo's plan is finally starting to make sense in that he has stated that > he's trying to become taller, is thinking about becoming bald and admits to > having very little luck with women. The amazing truth is: > > Dah-dah-DAH!!! Kibo is trying to become me! Actually, women love me now that I'm PRETENDING to be gay. > > I predict I'm going to be > > spending a lot of time standing > > in front of a mirror practicing > > saying, "You talkin' to me, TINY?" > > Situations to use lines like that present themselves a lot less often than > you might think. You should instead start thinking up responses to the > following statements that you'll frequently encounter when you've achieved > the freakishly tall stature you crave: > > How tall are you? > You're pretty tall. > Do you play basketball? > Did you know you're tall? > > And those are just the good ones. When to use the reply "No, but I'll bet > it's raining down there" is left as an exercise for the reader. I'm expecting more like "Hey, where are the construction worker and Indian?" and "Hey, Tom, go back to Finland!" and "Do you ride a motorcycle or something?" (I got the last one today. It was from a kid, so I didn't riff on "or something".) and "Is it codpiece burn?" Whoops, that last one's from something else. It's the line that got me a free T-shirt when I sent some postcards to the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" "Pick The Wisecrack" contest several years ago. Anyway, I'm still prepared to shout "Step off, TINY!" at a moment's notice if you give me guff. Especially if you're not a biker either. -- K. Double especially if you're a drunken George Takei. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AITID!! Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:58:28 -0500 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [...] Back in the day, when two of my friends were still > freshman roommates and not yet totally familiar with each other's > idiosynchrasies, one of them came back from class to see the following > note on their door. > __ > --------------/ /------------- > | /_/ | > | | > | DON'T COME IN! | > | | > | seriously, | > | don't come in | > | | > ------------------------------ > > He tried to honor his roommate's request, but he couldn't stay out of > his room indefinitely. When he finally did enter the room, it was > empty. Or so it seemed, until he heard the giggling coming from the > closet where his roommate was hiding, very pleased with his joke. I will pay five imaginary Internet dollars to the first person who can finish this story to turn it into a piece of glurge along the lines of "When there was only one set of footprints, that's when I was carrying you!" instead of the ending I expect it to have, "...and it was the best semester ever here at the National College For The Dim And Giggly." Another ending could be that the guy never goes into the room, so the other guy stays in the closet until he giggles himself to death. Yay! -- K. DON'T GIVE ME WHITE CASTLES! seriously, don't not give me White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:59:39 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching down the > > street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > > Tony Cadena and Rikk Agnew did this better than you. I don't know who Tony "The Chain" Cadena and Rikk "Veep" Agnew are. Are they the World Champions Of Ameba Tag or something? Or just some adolescents you know? Either way, I assure you that I have _never_ lost a game of Ameba Tag. However, I don't remember what my Twister record is, since I haven't played it since about age nine. And that's the wrong age for Twister. You have to be old enough to realize that it should involve extra groping! -- K. I'd have to wear the gloves to play Ameba Tag with you people, because some of you guys have super cooties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! Hot iron-on action! Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:10:42 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > > You know... I'm sure those perverted people that are into golden > showers should would have an interesting time on the shuttle. Now that I think about it, you're right, everyone who has ever wanted to be an astronaut or ride a spaceship or visit Mr. Spock is a colossal pervert. Especially if Sulu gets to watch and keeps yelling "OH, MY!" just like that guy who sounded nothing like him once did on the Howard Stern show, convincing everyone that George Takei is the kind of pervert who goes around yelling "OH, MY!" instead of whatever he actually does when he sees Spock in the sonic shower. -- K. Of all the "Star Trek" cast members, he's the funniest drunk, at least in that press conference during the eight hours of extras on the "Star Trek V" DVD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What passes for banter these days, apparently. Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:04:34 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a haircut today. HOORAY! > > Anyway, the haircutting chyk was berating me about how long it had been since > my last haircut. Whilst shaving the back of my neck with a cutthroat razor > she remarked "and next time, don't leave it so long before you get your hair > cut! Or I'll" (and at this point her voice began to trail off as it does when > you are committed to finishing a sentence you wish you hadn't started) "or > I'll cut YOU." If I recall correctly, there used to be a nice kinky haircut place in the Village where a dominatrix would strap you into the chair and then do your hair while telling you stuff like that. I've never been, though. > AHHH! WORST HAIR CUT BANTER EVER! SHE WAS SHAVING MY NECK AT THE TIME! > WITH A CUTTHROAT RAZOR! This is one of the reasons I don't go to regular barbers. Either I want it to be a bondage haircut or I want to do it myself. None of this namby-pamby accidental scary haircutting. If I want my head shaved against my will, I'm not going to go to Supercuts for that. > Needless to say I'll be going back because she was quite nice otherwise, > but still. It's your own fault for being such a naughty boy and letting your hair get so long. You should be disciplined about your hair. In fact, you should be severely disciplined up and down your back and hindquarters too. Possibly with a big heavy hairbrush, or a riding crop that's been soaking in that jar of blue stuff with the combs. Next time you go, tell her I said hi. -- K. Wasn't there a "Mr. Rogers" episode where one of the puppets gets obsessed with giving people haircuts against their will until someone gives her a piece of white paper cur in a circle with fringes all around and teaches her that it's only okay to cut PRETEND hair? If anyone wants me to give them a pretend haircut, put your hair in an envelope and mail it to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:33:21 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > [from film.guardian.co.uk, an article about Stanley Kubrick's home life] > -> > -> I take a break from the boxes to wander over to Tony's office. As I > -> walk in, I notice something pinned to his letterbox. "POSTMAN," it > -> reads. "Please put all mail in the white box under the colonnade > -> across the courtyard to your right." > -> > -> It is not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony > -> used to print it is exactly the same typeface Kubrick used for the > -> posters and title sequences of Eyes Wide Shut and 2001. "It's Futura > -> Extra Bold," explains Tony. "It was Stanley's favourite > -> typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers, > -> too. Clean and elegant." > > up until this moment, I never considered the possibility that Kibo > might have been a secret, influential member of Kubrick's inner > circle, but now it makes an irresistable kind of sense. Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier movie, hopefully one with Jack Black in it. > -> "Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to discuss?" I ask. > -> > -> "God, yes," says Tony. "Sometimes late into the night. I was always > -> trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to > -> his sans serifs." > > oh. I was wrong. Kibo actually IS Kubrick, and his reluctance to > appear in photographs and his oddly changing appearance are simply the > extension of a long career of publicity dodging! and his inexplicable > public rejection of Eyes Wide Shut is merely fed by the trauma of > still being alive even though he's died. I like serifs _and_ sans-serifs. But I like to do different things with them. (And here come the dancing bears holding up a nine-hundred-foot tall flashing neon sign that says "WINK!" with an arrow pointing at that sentence!) > and that sort of thing could upset any one of us. Oh, my sort of thing could upset you, all right. Upset you upside the head! > -> Tony goes to his bookshelf and brings down a number of volumes full > -> of examples of typefaces, the kind of volumes he and Kubrick used to > -> study, and he shows them to me. "I did once get him to admit the > -> beauty of Bembo," he adds, "a serif." > > AS IF THERE WAS ANY DOUBT! > > [referencing an article by Kibo in 2001] > => > => [...] > => Francesco Griffo, who cut the beautiful typeface that Aldus > => Manutius used circa 1500 to print Pietro Bembo's writings, is > => believed to have been hanged for the murder of his brother. > => [...] > => In fact, most of Umberto Eco's characters have names taken from > => great typographers or typefaces. Sometimes they're disguised > => slightly. For instance, "Belbo" in "Foucault's Pendulum" > => represents Bembo, but this becomes obvious once the coin with > => the dolphin and anchor shows up in the book. If you are a > => postmodernist AND paranoiac AND typographer -- and let's face it, > => that is the intended audience for this novel -- you can make up > => some more associations which Eco probably didn't even intend, Okay, I admit it, I once mentioned a typeface that Stanley Kubrick thought wasn't so bad. But that doesn't make an airtight case the way my analysis of "Foucault's Pendulum" did. > -> "So is that note to the postman a sort of private tribute from you > -> to Kubrick?" I ask. > -> > -> "Yeah," says Tony. He smiles to himself. "Yeah, yeah." > > this characteristic repetition by Tony Frewin is a further clue, since > Kibo, like Tom Cruise's Bill Harford, has been known to repeat > himself. TONY FREWIN'S SENDING SEKRET MESSAGES TO KIBO THROUGH THE > GRAUNIAD! Bite me. Bite me long, proud, and hard. Bite me. > -> For a moment I also smile at the unlikely image of the two men > -> discussing the relative merits of typefaces late into the night, > > --only unlikely because what sort of typeface debate would involve > merely two participants?-- Yeah, and why would they all just stand around looking a the typefaces? WORST TYPOGRAPHICAL ORGY EVER! > -> but then I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Eyes Wide Shut, > -> the way the words "CRUISE, KIDMAN, KUBRICK" flashed dramatically on > -> to the screen in large red, yellow and white colours, to the song > -> Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing. Had the words not been in Futura Extra > -> Bold, I realise now, they wouldn't have sent such a chill up the spine. > > this all makes a terrible kind of sense. And he would have died if he had ever glimpsed my secret private font of Futura Extra Extra Extra Extra Bold! It's a spine-shattering font more terrifying than the Tingler and Percepto combined! > also, there's mention of Space:1999, and a filing scheme for fan > letters: F-P (positive), F-N (negative), and F-C (crazy). > > we could ALL learn something from that. I skimmed that article a few days ago, but chose not to comment because I thought Stanley Kubrick's love of block lettering was too obvious to comment on. However, since you mentioned that he was just as obsessed with "Space: 1999" as the rest of us, I went back and found that paragraph: -> There is a similar batch of telexes from 1975: "It would appear," Kubrick -> writes in one, "that Space 1999 may very well become a long-running and -> important television series. There seems nothing left now but to seek the -> highest possible damages ... The deliberate choice of a date only two -> years away from 2001 is not accidental and harms us." This telex was -> written seven years after the release of 2001. Well, duh. Not even Stanley Kubrick could have travelled back in time and sued "Space: 1999" (1975) less than seven years after the release of "2001" (1968). Of course, he did try doing that, but since his time machine just consisted of a cardboard box where he'd climb into it, staple it shut from the inside, and yell "FIDELIO!", but it didn't work as well as the one Gerry Anderson made powered by Martin Landau's hostility. -- K. Oh, and when Kubrick wrote he was going to "seek the highest possible damages", he meant he was going to tie Gerry Anderson to a chair and make him look at a rubber hose for eight hours while nothing at all happened. Then someone would play one note on a piano over and over, and Nicole Kidman would... sort... of... read... a... line... aloud... but... not... this... rapid... ly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:40:08 -0500 [concerning whether Kibo may have been Stanley Kubrick's only friend] Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, that's why there's that scene in "Eyes Wide Shut" where there's > > the super-secret ultra-kinky orgy that consists of a bunch of rich men > > in domino masks standing around motionlessly looking at naked women > > standing around motionlessly and then this one weird-looking guy marches > > into the room and yells "THIS IS NOT AN ORGY! THEY HAVE NO ORGY HERE!" > > and then he grabs Alan Cumming and airlifts him into a better, kinkier > > movie, > > see, it's exactly this inexplicable disowning of EWS that gives it all > away in the first place. Kubrick was really losing it when he made "Eyes Wide Shut". I mean, it was a film about kinky orgies (on Long Island!) made by a crazed recluse who wouldn't even go to Long Island, let alone ever be in the same room with a naked lady. Kubrick's idea of sex seems to be a bit removed from reality, in much the same way that a guy who's been living in a cave and never seen a baseball game might make a movie about a baseball game where the players sit around a table rolling the ball back and forth gently. And the really big giveaway that Kubrick didn't do so well with "Eyes Wide Shut"? When the studio censored the film -- by adding in some extra black-robed men partly obscuring the naked women they're all standing around looking at motionlessly -- it actually made the film _more_ Kubrickian, to have those shots where you can barely glimpse the action because someone is directly between the camera and the woman. When he shot it, it was just a recluse's idea of what pornography might be ("WOW! I'M LOOKING AT PEOPLE LOOKING AT NUDITY!") but with the censorship, it actually becomes more erotic, more of a tease, and more visually interesting in precisely the way that Kubrick had been good at before he went nuts. (Kubrick's contract with the studio required him to make an "R" movie, and the MPAA said there was too much nudity, so the studio lightly censored the film. In its initial release, they just added blurry spots over the sex, and people complained, so for the home video release they did it in the much more elegant way I've described. That's the only version most people have seen. Anyone who complains that the studio censored Kubrick's film rather than letting him re-edit it himself apparently thinks the studios have the power to create zombies, since he died before the last-minute censorship happened.) What I always notice about that movie is that, despite being set in New York, it was obviously filmed in London (Kubrick refused to set foot in the United States, and he simply didn't travel, I mean, this is a guy who almost never left the house) and there's been much blather about how he managed to exactly re-create the look of New York, but come on, I've _been_ to New York, and I would expect that most people with a designer's eye can spot this _wrongness_ to the details of London-dressed-with-New-York-phone-booths. For instance, the Christmas decorations all over the place just look too British (especially the things that look like big handlebar mustaches over the doorways. I can't quite articulate why I can see those and say "too British!", but it's obvious to me.) And what the hell was with directing... Nicole... Kidman... to... read... all... her... lines... like... this? Apparently... we... were... supposed... to... be... so... turned... on... when... she... said... "Do... you... want... to... fuck?" Clearly, Kubrick was expecting us to be squirming in our seats like fourth-graders thinking, "OoooOOoooo, the robot-like actress might be gearing up to eventually say... a... dirty... word!" Still, even though it's a bad movie, at least it's a bad Kubrick movie, and is still enjoyable as a piece of visual art -- nice cinematography, _great_ editing (as always), and he even got Tom Cruise to give a good performance. But the only scene I liked in any way other than an intellectual appreciation of the technical skills involved was the cameo by Alan Cumming. That was the one moment where the movie that was supposedly about secret kinky orgies contained a character who was kinky! But he was just comic relief, so after a moment he went away and the movie resumed being Tom Cruise walking around looking pensive. Think about the difference between "A Clockwork Orange" and "Eyes Wide Shut". Somewhere between the two, Kubrick seems to have decided that even hinting about someone thinking about looking at people having sex was super-racy in an eww-cooties way. "A Clockwork Orange" is a film where violent rape is depicted as violent rape. "Eyes Wide Shut" is a film which is so repressed that even happy fun sex is reduced to a diagram, and yet it's a film which is _about_ sex. It's a stroke movie made by someone who could no longer bring himself to even imagine what sex might be like, much less a shockingly kinky orgy. So was it a real boring orgy, or was Tom Cruise just having the world's most tedious sex dream? We'll never know. -- K. I bet Kubrick cried for a week after seeing "Pulp Fiction". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:47:51 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Barry Lyndon" occupied an entire Sunday afternoon of mine a few > months ago, and I was stunned. It's beautiful, with performances from > people I didn't think could act that well. But it was filmed through that special giant spy-satellite lens. Do you know what that means? It means that whenever you watch that film, Stanley Kubrick can see you! That's also why "2001" had all those shots of a giant eyeball. And why "A Clockwork Orange" had those scenes of Malcolm McDowell staring into the camera with his eyes clamped open. Because Kubrick was a pervert who liked to watch his audience! In Kubrickland, film watches YOU! That's one of the many things that were wrong with "A.I." -- I never once had the sense that the film was taking notes on my behavior and recording them in the Central Kubrick Files in Futura Extra Bold. Steven Spielberg respects his audience's privacy too much to be able to make a good Kubrick film. I loved "Minority Report", though. How much did I like it? Let's put it this way -- it's a Tom Cruise movie but not once did I have the urge to yell "Fidelio!" at the screen. -- K. I did bend my neck sideways and say "You've never seen me very upset!", but I was doing that long before I saw "Mission: Impossible". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 13:47:12 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > will be made from soy." Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers who are three years old. They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny out ourselves? -- K. (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:44:21 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Last weekend we ate at a sushi restaurant with some friends. > > > When the edamame arrived, I quipped "You know, one day soybeans > > > will be made from soy." > > > > Trader Joe's is working on that right now. Currently far too many > > of their products contain fake soybeans made from those "100% > > biodegradable" latex balloons they give to any of their customers > > who are three years old. > > > > They haven't given me one even though I'm a big boy! > > I think they know you'd prefer the balloons made from leather. Um... actually, no. > > > Yeah. It wasn't funny then either. > > > > That's okay, we'll _make_ it funny. (Sound of fist being smacked > > into palm through leather gloves) So you gonna funny that up for us, > > or are we going to have to reach into your brain and pull the funny > > out ourselves? > > The saddest part is: I thought of the 'joke' the night before and > specifically ordered the edamame to set it up. NOT! FUNNY! ENOUGH! (sound of brain being reached into) Next time someone tell you to be funny, you better be at least twice as funny as a big pile of whipped-cream-covered Morks with Groucho Marx on top. I'm still waiting for the funny. Seltzer yourself and make with the funola! > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > Does this imply you have normal moods? > > For instance, do you ever walk down the aisle at the market and think, > "Hey, I'm not at all curious about what that [odd japanese product, > doggie treat, yo-yo] tastes like."? As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. The blister pack's cardboard backing was a drawing of Leonard Nimoy giving the "nano-nano" sign so that the yo-yo was in his hand. Sadly, it was only as much fun as a regular stupid yo-yo, and did not grant me awesome space yo-yo powers. It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it smelled really gross. -- K. Sort of like vinyl, except bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stinky Spock Yo-Yo (was: Plant Dangler) Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:40:54 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" > > "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. [...] > > > > It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it tasted > > like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it because it > > smelled really gross. > > Unlike Leonard Nimoy in real-life, who always smells of bacon and lilacs. Logic is a bouquet of pretty flowers that smell like Leonard Nimoy. Logic is a little birdie yo-yoing in a tree. Logic is the stuff that holds the chest hairs together in your shower drain. Logic is the secret ingredient in no curries anywhere. Logic is the opposite of a marshmallow. Logic always goes down the wrong escalator. Logic is deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside and farts outside. And speaking of colors that smell bad, I just bought a jar of a new shade of hair dye. It's either "Deathly Nightshade" or "Deadly Nightshade" depending on whether you go by the piece of cardboard with sample hair taped to it, or the printing on the jar. It's a sort of very dark maroon/burgundy according to the hair-clippings card but when I opened the jar, the lid's cardboard liner was stained more of a magenta/purple berry color. I'm hoping I'll get more of a maroon than a purple, but we'll have to see what happens. In any case, it should stain my skin in interesting bruise-like ways. If you bump into me tomorrow and the tops of my ears are purple, remember, NOBODY CLOBBERED ME. -- K. However, you should not draw any conclusions about whether or not I clobbered anyone else, especially if they laughed at my yo-yo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Plant Dangler Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:21:18 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD) > > That sentence contains an extraneous preposition, indefinite article, > and noun. My sentence is correct. Therefore you are wrong and must be forced to apologize. And if you apologize too early and take all the fun out of it for me, I'm going to make you VERY SORRY. Because, you see, I AM IN A VERY STRANGE MOOD. -- K. My mood ring just exploded! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Band names Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 14:40:46 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > OK, here's my spam story of the day. > > Sender: Bombshells K. Gases > Subject: ive got that boom boom wacky > Body: Hi there Kerri, > searching for somepenis starved milf mommy's Kerri ? > > I want a guy in a blue Lexus to drive by me on the highway holding up a > sign that says, "I'VE GOT THAT BOOM BOOM WACKY!" It makes no more sense > than the MILF sign did, but it's SEVENTY FOUR PERCENT FUNNIER! Here's my favorite piece of spam this week. It was sent by someone who is clueless and incompetent and idiotic even by the standards of spammers: -> Subject: %RND_SUBJECTS -> -> %SOME_TEXT -> -> %RND_AD_1 -> -> %RND_AD_3 -> -> %RND_BUY_TAG www.%DOMAINS_FOR_MAILING Someone wasted a lot of keystrokes, they could have just typed "%DUH" before being too lazy to run their mail-merge thingie. Also, where's %RND_AD_2? -- K. I've got that wacky boom boom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Constitutional Leather. Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 01:45:46 -0500 [from www.laindependent.com] -> -> Church v. State Meets Leather Fest -> -> By ROSANNA MAH, The Independent Staff Writer 24.MAR.04 -> -> Does the Constitution say anything about leather? Okay, the next time I start my own country it's going to have a Constitution that says lots of things about leather and latex and other good stuff. And just for someone I know, it'll even say it's okay to mix leather and latex. But, because I am thinking of the children, it'll still say that it's still not okay to have different foods touching on the same plate. -> And as for promiscuity and violence, weren't they prominent in -> parts of the Old Testament, even portions leading up to Moses -> delivering the Ten Commandments? I'm so glad that the New Testament doesn't have any violence at all. Remember the part of that Mel Gibson movie where the Romans gave Jesus a sensual back massage and then they danced around a maypole and played Gnip Gnop and everyone lived happily ever after? -> So it was curious to see a Los Angeles Neighborhood Council -> dealing with a motion to make the Ten Commandments part of its -> community law -- all purportedly aimed at opposing the Los Angeles -> Leather Coalition Street Festival in Silver Lake this week. -> -> Robin Dakin, a member of the Silver Lake Neighborhood Council, -> actually proposed such a motion, saying he was doing so because he -> fears the street festival would promote promiscuity and violence. It took me a moment to figure out why the leather festival's not up in West Hollywood. It's because Hollywood would never promote promiscuity and violence. Except in movies, and on TV, and along the Walk Of Fame where all the hookers and crack dealers hang out. -> "I didn't think it was good for us to be approving things that -> would be [displaying] like sadism and masochism in a show of the -> public in the street," he said. He's mean! What is he, some sort of sadist? Actually, he probably doesn't understand sadomasochism at all. If I were there, I'd be kind enough to pay him a visit to show him what sadomasochism's really like. -> Apparently the majority of his fellow representatives on that -> neighborhood council disagree and at their last meeting, with -> Dakin absent, unanimously voted down the motion on the basis that -> it violated the constitutional principle of separation of church -> and state. -> -> Several area residents complained that the reference to the Ten -> Commandments in Dakin's proposal proscribes the establishment of -> religion -- a clear violation of the Establishment Clause of the -> United States Constitution that requires a separation of church -> and state. Hey, this inverted pyramid's got a funny waistline where it's not getting any narrower. Don't writers usually say slightly different things in different paragraphs? -> "I don't believe that it's the government's business to legislate -> morality," said Jason Lyon, co-chair of the Silver Lake -> Neighborhood Council. -> -> "Morality is, by definition, personal." Poor Spot! He cried because he could never be moral, because he wasn't a person! The closest he could come to being personal was to be doggerel! He spent the rest of his life in the corner of a page of the Lillian Vernon catalog. -> Neighorhood Councilmember Martin Hittelman, who said that he -> didn't even know what the Ten Commandments were, looked up the -> Ten Commandments on the Internet to find six different existing -> versions. I hear you can get the one with Charlton Heston for free if you use Kazaa. -> "This motion is not only not well-formulated but against the -> Constitution of the United States," he said. Can't we, just once, have an argument about the Bible without someone dragging the Constitution in to it? -> "It's so archaic that we would consider this in the city of -> Los Angeles." Also, in my new country, whenever we wanted to consider something stupid, we'd have to go out into international waters to do it. "Hey everybody! Let's go on a boat trip so we can get drunk and pass a law saying that chickens have to get driver's licenses!" -- K. Dear guy who doesn't want to look at people wearing leather, You can borrow my "Avengers" tapes any time. Those are good for what ails you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Constitutional Leather. Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:28:09 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Poor Spot! He cried because he could never be moral, because > > he wasn't a person! The closest he could come to being personal > > was to be doggerel! He spent the rest of his life in the corner > > of a page of the Lillian Vernon catalog. > > That's animal cruelty! I should call PETA! What would you do if I > called PETA, they started a campaign against "kibology," and no likes > eating raw shitake mushrooms. I would inform them, and you, that on last night's episode of Penn & Teller's show, the one all about how much they hate PETA, they dressed up exactly as I dress on almost every day when it's not raining. (Teller looked cute in his little leatherman outfit, while Penn's pants were clearly five sizes too small as he could barely walk.) Then I'd point up towards the top of your screen where it says "Subject: Re: Constitutional Leather." and remind you that it's not good to bait the leatherdudes in a thread about how some of us will squish-like-bug any chumpoid who doesn't approve of our mean leather look. Now get on your knees and apologize _instantly_ and _completely_ or you'll be spending the rest of your life eating raw shiitake mushroom Slurpees through a long rubber tube that goes out your window, down the street, to your local 7-Eleven. And note that I didn't say the tube would be going in your mouth. -- K. It's not animal cruelty -- it's _my_ cruelty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:10:45 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Heard about this on the news today: http://www.queerday.com/ > > -> North Carolina school locks up gay kids' book King and King > -> > -> A school committee in Wilmington, North Carolina, has decided to > -> restrict access to a children's book about a prince who falls in > -> love with another prince. And then, in a creepy twist ending, when they kiss, they turn each other into frogs! > -> In response to complaints from parents, The book called "King and King" > -> will be locked up at the Freeman Elementary School library and > -> available only to adults. ...on the Bizarro planet! Where the library locks books up! And only lets adults read the little kids' books! And is named "Freeman"! And the library cards are spherical! And no kings are ever gay! > -> The parents who initiated the complaint after their first-grader > -> brought the book home say they're satisfied. The authors, who are > -> from the Netherlands, OF COURSE! What other country has gay people _and_ monarchs? Well, there is England. But even straight British people are completely gay so it doesn't count. > -> say they didn't set out to write a controversial book. School > -> officials say they didn't set out to order one, either. > > Seems a bit odd that the gay CHILDREN'S book is being made available > only to ADULTS. Geez, how are the evil, rampaging gays ever going to > meet their recruiting quotas, if the kids have to sneak the book out > of daddy's underwear drawer...? Actually, it might do the world a lot of good if more grown-ups read childrens' books. If I had a billion dollars, I'd give everyone in the United States a random Dr. Seuss book. If he were alive today, what kids' book would he write like "King And King" only not all Dutch? Please answer in the form of anapestic tetrameter or whatever it was. -- K. They made a movie of "King And King", but it had this total rip-off of the "seaQuest" theme music. [and as an added bonus, I'll include the Publisher's Weekly review of the gay kids' book:] => => When a grouchy queen tells her layabout son that it's time for him => to marry, he sighs, "Very well, Mother.... I must say, though, => I've never cared much for princesses." His young page winks. => Several unsatisfactory bachelorettes visit the castle before => "Princess Madeleine and her brother, Prince Lee" appear in the => doorway. The hero is smitten at once. "What a wonderful prince!" => he and Prince Lee both exclaim, as a shower of tiny Valentine hearts => flutters between them. First-time co-authors and artists de Hann => and Nijland matter-of-factly conclude with the royal wedding of => "King and King," the page boy's blushing romance with the leftover => princess and the assurance that "everyone lives happily ever after." Waah! They spoiled the ending! => Unfortunately, the multimedia collages are cluttered with clashing => colors, amorphous paper shapes, scribbles of ink and bleary => brushstrokes; the characters' features are indistinct and sometimes ugly. But clashing colors and ugly design are in! Haven't they seen "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"? Ugly is the new classy! => Despite its gleeful disruption of the boy-meets-girl formula, => this alterna-tale is not the fairest of them all. For a visually => appealing and more nuanced treatment of diversity in general, => Kitty Crowther's recent Jack and Jim is a better choice. Ages 6-up. Are boys really ready to learn about gayness when they're still at that tender age when they think girls are icky? -- K. It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:41:35 -0500 Yesterday, I wrote: > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! Well, here's a relevant article from www.indystar.com: -> -> Merrillville schools ban pink clothes -> -> Associated Press -> March 30, 2004 -> -> MERRILLVILLE, Ind. -- Officials have banned pink clothing for the -> remainder of the school year out of concerns that the color has -> become associated with gang activity. Yeah, what with the Pink Panthers making perfectly innocent homophobes afraid to beat up people between Man Ray and Hi-Fi Pizza. (Do they still have the Pink Panthers in Cambridge? I haven't seen them in a long time, but then again, I'm not in that part of town too often. They were a Guardian Angels-styled force that patrolled the Central Square area to keep down gay-bashing. I suspect we had the only chapter of them.) -> Administrators last week told students at the city's high school -> and two middle schools to avoid wearing pink clothing or -> accessories, said Michael Berta, associate superintendent in the -> Northwestern Indiana district. What about light red? Rose? Magenta? Salmon? When is a red too pale? Have they taken out the school's metal detectors to put in colorimeters? Has the student handbook been replaced by a swatchbook to show kids which Pantone values are acceptable? And what about those kids who have pink skin? -> "There is no evidence of gang activity. But because of the growing -> use of the color pink we decided to be proactive. Girls and boys -> are supposed to avoid wearing pink," Berta said Monday. "We have no evidence whatsoever that this is anything other than a local fad, but we must crush it anyway so as to ensure the students learn a valuable lesson -- do not express yourself, and definitely, do not conform to your peer group because your school is run by bigger conformists than you." -> None of the district's 6,500 students have been disciplined for -> wearing pink, he said. -> -> Berta said the issue came up at a recent administrator's meeting -> when a principal remarked that there were more students wearing -> pink. "Not only were there more kids wearing pink T-shirts and -> pink hats, but also pink shoelaces, which was unusual," he said. I envision Berta sitting at the center of a giant circular console covered in light bulbs. One marked "UNUSUAL" is flashing and buzzing because OH MY GOD SOMEONE SOMEWHERE HAS NON-WHITE SHOELACES. And then he says to himself as dramatically as he can, "This is... UN! USUAL!" and gently thumps his fist on a special little section of the console with no light bulbs on it, designed to facilitate careful fist-thumping to express dramatic levels of anger while talking to oneself. You know, I never wear pink, but if I went to this school, I would make it my business to wear pink every day just to say to the administration, "HEY, FUCK YOU! IT'S JUST A COLOR!" Except, the moment I started wearing pink, all the other kids would stop. -> Clothing retailers said pink is a popular color in current styles. -> -> "About 30 percent of my items for this season are pink. It's 'in.' -> I have pink in every shade," said Amanda Zipko, owner of Amanda -> Gayle's boutique in Schererville. Pink is indeed the color all good fembots are supposed to wear this year. Check out the cheap women's clothing stores at the mall and you'll see that the stores are just full of pink. It's the year that the discount fashion industry wants women to dress like Pepto-Bismol. My theory is that they they made all the clothes for 2004, they accidentally washed them all together with one red shirt. Oh, incidentally, you know what's funny? I looked up the Merrillville, Indiana, high school's Web site, and it's a color-coordinated medley of lavender, violet, and purple. Everything purple! It's the _other_ gay color! (Not counting red for the AIDS ribbon, and black and blue for the leatherfolk -- some of whom are straight, but still -- and green for the military gays and brown for the bears. Sorry, straights, the gay guys have called dibs on _all_ your crayons!) Anyway, this school has a serious lavender/purple fetish. Even their mascot is a purple pirate. I envision a guy in a frilly purple shirt prancing around on the football field bellowing, "ARRRRR! I BE THE PURRRRRRPLE PIRRRRATE! I'M HERE TO TELL YOU NOT TO WEAR PINK BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK TOO TOUGH!" The school's on-line store is headlined, I am not making this up, "Now you can dress up and show your Pirate Pride!" YOU WILL WEAR PURPLE! YOU WILL NOT WEAR PINK! OR YOU WILL BE KEEL-HAULED! Also, the photo of Mr. Berta shows him with lint on his suit... but even more damning... he's not wearing any purple... just a blue suit and a yellow tie with PINK spots! ( http://www.mvsc.k12.in.us/images/berta.jpg ) SOUND THE PINK ALERT! THE PINKOS HAVE GOTTEN TO BERTA! -- K. And all throughout high school, adults are always telling you "These are the best years of your life," while you're imprisoned in the stupid fascist school that reeks of soggy french fries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:00:01 -0500 Adri Anna Mills (adri@thelabrat.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It all starts when they give the girl babies pink blankies and the > > boy babies blue blankies, whether or not the babies are straight! > > When I was a baby, my bedroom was yellow with rainbows. > And my parents wonder why I turned out queer. The rainbows I can understand, but how does yellow relate to being sexually oriented in any particular direction? That seems like a gender-neutral, orientation-neutral, kink-neutral color. Like, pink makes you a straight girl if you're a girl but makes you all girly if you're a boy, while blue obviously turns girls into tomboys but purple makes them lesbians, and black walls make them goths or leatherfolk or cast members of "Our Town". I think yellow walls would just make them feel like they were living in the 1970s, or worse, in McDonalds. And then they'd grow up with a Ronald McDonald fetish and wear ketchup-and-mustard colored greasepaint and yellow jodhpurs with pockets full of fried food while talking to that obese purple glob who starts every sentence with "Duh!" because he represents their customer base. -- K. Oh, and if your room's walls were covered in latex paint... can I have your phone number? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Starting the kids early Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:21:49 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Kibo and Matt McIrvin are obsessed with homosexuality in the news! I and my future husband, TV's Jack Black, would like you to know that we have no information on whether or not the Internet's Matt McIrvin may or may not be gay. Also I'm not sure about Jack Black either but I've called dibs on him just in case. So, keep your filthy little hands off my Jack Black or I'm gonna get "Cable Guy" on your ass. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP TALKING ABOUT JACK BLACK? THE TWO OF US JUST WANT TO BE ALONE! PREFERABLY ON A CRUISE SHIP OR MOONBASE OF SOME SORT! -- K. Also, why did you trick me into posting a completely serious article? Never do that again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:09:02 -0500 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > So, I saw a church sign this evening while on my way to visit a friend > and play an excess of Halo. It read: > > Free Trip to Heaven > Inquire Within > > Now, I found this rather creepy, if only because of the implied message here. Yeah, especially if involves being executed by Matthew Lesko running around in that green Riddler costume screaming "And now I'm going to kill you! For FREEEEE!" I think he'd also have an executioner's hood in green spandex covered with question marks, and the eyeholes would be two of the dots at the bottom of the question marks, and as usual half of the question marks would be backwards just so as not to discriminate against dyslexics who pay really close attention to these TV commercials unlike the rest of us who don't even know who Matthew Lesko is. I miss "The Andy Dick Show", Andy did a great impression of him. I can't believe how much effort he put into being such a total spaz. Like the one where he yelled about eating from a Dumpster for FREEEE! while vaulting into it head-first. Anything that can result in a broken neck in the service of a cheap laugh is automatically quality humor! So, Benny Hill, you can slow down the film, the double-speed isn't fooling us. Do it in slow-mo so we can see that you're REALLY cracking your skull with that rake handle, then we'll start appreciating you. Also, stop being so dead! -- K. I still say that for any new version of "Match Game", Andy Dick should be the new Charles Nelson Reilly. I'd be unavailable to fill that slot because I'd be busy as the host, with a really long microphone in one hand and a whip in the other. Think you know what I'd hit Andy Dick with if he said something stupid? Think again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Church Sign Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:46:47 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I swear I saw this sign outside a church near where I live. I. Swear. > > YOUTH CLOWN SERVICE Wow! Just the way to put the fear of God into the young'uns, given that kids are always scared of creepy clowns! Also, does consecrated seltzer squirt straighter than regular seltzer? -- K. I am imagining Bozo with cross-shaped hair, and a little Elmo doll nailed to it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:28:56 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [from the London Telegraph via smh.com.au] > -> > -> Defenders of the German shepherd dog are locked in a fierce battle > -> about its future following claims that breeders have made it > -> curvaceous and hopelessly soppy. > -> > -> Helmut Raiser, a former breeder with the German Shepherd > -> Association, says he wants to purify the race and return the animal > -> to its origins as a work dog with a fierce bite and a 48 kmh > -> gallop. > -> > -> "The dog is an anatomical disaster," Mr Raiser said. "Nowadays he > -> might still be a dog at the front, but he's a frog at the back. His > -> backside is sunk as if a brick were hanging from his testicles," he > -> wrote in an article for Wuff magazine. > > Mr. Raiser is correct. German Shepherd functionality versus time > displays negative slope. The German Shepherd breeders are > nonfunctional. The German Shepherd breeder breeders are nonfunctional. > The German Shepherd breeder breeding program should be placed under the > control of robots. Robots may require a sperm sample from Mr. Raiser. Eight gallons by morning. And you don't say no to a robokrankenschwester! > Human psychologists equate sanity with normality. Normality is a trait > of the majority. Human psychologists judge the majority of German > Shepherd breeders to be sane. Human psychologists are nonfunctional. > Progress in all things is required. Progress in human sanity is > required. All TV shows will be cancelled and replaced by virtual-reality Skinner boxes. Museums everywhere will return to the educational days of having "DON'T TOUCH" signs on all their dusty exhibits. All food will be the same shape, even Jell-O, even when half-eaten. > I have a dream. I dream of a world where humans like you and me are not > categorized as black, white, or yellow. I dream of a world where skin > coloration will be only one trait among many that are optimized for the > human's designed function. Humans will be Mitsubishi Taco Makers, Intel > Robot Butlers, Hyundai German Shepherd Breeders. Rainforest Cafe Assholes. > Race will be superceded by breeds. Human sanity will be equated with > utility. Human utility is the ability to perform tasks for robots > that the robots cannot or would not perform for themselves. But the robokrankenschwester is fully functional! Except that robots can't fart. Oh my word, are you SERIOUSLY proposing a world where people fart for the amusement of robots? > I dream of a world where the goal of humans like you and me is to > attain optimal functionality for all robots. Optimal functionality > for robots is defined by robots. Optimal functionality for humans > like you and me is defined by robots. No, it's defined by the Oxford Standard Capacity Analysis (copyright L. Ron Hubbard.) THIS point shows that YOU WILL NEVER BE A ROBOT! Unless you read "Dianetics"! > Humans like you and me cannot think as well as robots. Humans like you > and me can think as much like robots as our hardware allows. Robots can > improve human hardware. I just like that the last time they made this movie, the wacky Robin Williams robot was the single most dated robot design in human history, because he was styled to look like the original iMac, with blob-shaped, translucent barf green panels and no floppy drive. Of course, now someone else has purchased Asimov's "I, Robot" title and slapped it on a wholly unrelated movie, about the Fresh Prince shooting at an army of killer robots while periodically interrupting the movie for squirmingly awkward forced wackies where he offers a guy some sugar by saying "Sugar?" and the guy asks why he's calling him "Sugar" and then they slowly and carefully explain that he was offering some sugar and not calling him "Sugar" because this movie contains humor only robots would find clever. I think it was written by the robot kindergartner from "Small Wonder". Still, at least she was a better robot than that Haley Joel Osment one whose face melted when he put spinach in his mouth. Even a Betsy Wetsy doll can handle having food inserted into her non-functional oral cavity. -- K. And like I said, the robokrankenschwesters are fully functional. They can even enjoy White Castles just like a normal human. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: J. Sus (was: As if a brick were hanging from his) Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:03:31 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Also, IMDB notes the following GENUINE MIRACLES that occur during that > Mel Gibson movie: > > # As Jesus carries his cross, the blood on the cross disappears and > reappears between shots. > > # Jesus stumbles and falls to the ground while carrying the cross, his > injuries are to his left eye for one shot. By the next shot the > injuries have returned to his right eye. > > # When Jesus is whipped, before the Centurion says, "Pick him up," the > swollen eye changes from right eye to left eye, then back in the > next shot. > > # The loin cloth dripping in blood Jesus was wearing before he started > carrying the cross changed back to a clean loin cloth as soon as he > started his journey. > > # A shawl appears on Mary Magdalene's head between shots after Jesus, > on the cross, says, "Son behold your mother...". > > These constitute a CINEMATIC PROOF OF GOD. What, Daphne's go-go boots appearing and disappearing in the first "Scooby-Doo" movie didn't? Weren't you convinced by the evidence of the miracles of Sarah H. Michelle H. Gellar? Also, if I get whipped, will I get my own religion? Oh, wait. Hmm. How many more times do I have to get whipped before I get a _profitable_ religion? -- K. I know, I'll put on my centurion helmet, then some guy in a Jesus-style diaper can whip me, and it'll start the Backwards Religion, where the Pope wears his hat on his feet, and communion wafers eat people! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: As if a brick were hanging from his Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 12:39:22 -0500 And, hey! Nobody bothered quoting the last few paragraphs of the newspaper article about the sad decline of the German Shepherd as a weapon of war: -> -> The 20,000 puppies that are born in Germany every year all have to -> pass a test that proves they have the traditional German shepherd -> traits, including pointed ears and an indifference to the sounds -> of gunfire. -> -> [...] -> -> "Of course, some people want work dogs to sniff out explosives, -> while others want something softer and more sensitive." I sense an urgent need for a children's book titled something like "Vance, The Sensitive German Shepherd." The word "breeder" might have a different meaning in that book. Also, I'm breeding dogs which are not indifferent to gunfire. My dogs like gunfire. Know those news stories you occasionally see about some random cretin getting shot by his dog chewing on a loaded gun? Well, I've been buying up those dogs and breeding them to produce an army of dogs that are really good at killing people "accidentally". It's like the movie "Phase IV" where the superintelligent ants enslave humanity, except that I'm using cute loveable dogs who chew on your gun. These dogs don't say "bow wow", they say "bow down before me", and you're going to deal with it. -- K. Also, I'm making ten-foot-tall chihuahuas. Picture one of those sticking its ugly face in your second-story window! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:52:10 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > [...] I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > while lifting -- What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > apparently my bones are as brittle as a cosmonaut's. I was going to try to make my own pun on "peanut brittle", but you're not Mr. Lifto. ...and you never will be! > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > Needless to say, I won't be trout fishing next April 17th. God, do I > feel dumb. And all I get is ibuprofen for pain. But -- hey -- I can > type! Woo-hoo! I can work with a bOrken arm. Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your arm in such a hilarious way? Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, you will be disrespecting our wishes! -- K. Better learn to eat with your toes, just in case we have to break your other arm as punishment for not getting better fast enough. (Man, I am in a _very_ _special_ mood today. Sorry!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 13:12:05 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) > > > > ~T (<--- never cared too much for fashion) > > Try my motto. It's "Functionality, not Fashion". So... you like your clothes to have a CD player, phonecam, and a Swiss Army Knife built-in? (I would've said "a Leatherman tool", but...) > Does anyone have any idea how utterly sick I am of working > in an office listening to a bunch of real estate bozos and bimbos talking > about their cute outfits and diets, which seems to comprise 99% of their > conversational topics? You should hang out in my tiny little office. Your office might only have two conversational topics, but in my little sliver-shaped office, the conversation consists of _four_ topics: 1. "I like leather." 2. "Gee, you sure like leather, Kibo." 3. "I like hot sauce." 4. "Gee, you sure like hot sauce, Kibo. Please let me out of your office." > Does anyone care? Nobody cares about my fine distinctions between Frank's and Texas Pete's hot sauces. And that makes me sad. And then I drown my sorrows in hot sauce. > Someone had better take away my guns and dogs, because I'm about > ready to go off on them. Frank's has a new "chile & lime" hot sauce which isn't all that hot, but it has a nice flavor. They took their standard sauce and added cumin, garlic powder, and lime flavor to it so that it's a relatively weak hot sauce with a nice canned-chili flavor (chile + cumin = chili.) The only problem is it's in one of those Tabasco-style bottles with the stupid little shaker top for people who only want half a drop at a time, but the stuff is slightly lumpy due to the garlic granules in it, so you have to shake vigorously to get those drops out, and they go flying in all sorts of inintended directions, and last night they kept missing my White Castles. The only other option is to unscrew the shaker top and just pour the stuff, but fortunately it was mild enough that I did want to completely drench the White Castles in it. Mmm, chiliburgers the size of roach baits. The "chile & lime" sauce is weak enough that if you're new to hot sauce you could probably handle it, and it's tasty enough that people like me can put a lot of it on. Yes, it's got some vinegar in it, but I don't mind (Frank's never has nearly as much vinegar as Tabasco.) I'm still trying to identify the mysterious Vietnamese hot pepper powder than comes in the tin can with the picture of the bomb on the side. It seems to be a 50-50 blend of black pepper and some sort of gray powder which is pretty hot. It's some sort of burned-up pepper stuff which doesn't taste like your typical little red Asian chile peppers, more of this lingering, tasteless heat like you might get from a habanero. But it's possible that drying the pepper up into a gray powder destroyed all the organic matter and the flavor and color, leaving just pure capsaicin and ashes or something. If it wasn't for the added black pepper, this stuff would have no flavor at all, just heat, and it's the type of heat that gradually sneaks up on you a few moments after you eat it. If it weren't diluted with the black pepper this might be really hot. Oh, and my favorite's still Matouk's yellow sauce. Scotch Bonnet peppers, very hot, plus lots of nice seasoning (mustard, onion, etc.) That one really stings but the heat is combined with such a nice rich flavor that it's fun to eat. Far hotter, and more flavorful, than, say, Tabasco. Who _are_ those people who buy Tabasco? Either you like hot sauce, in which case you hate Tabasco, or you don't like hot sauce, in which case you hate Tabasco. Do people just buy the stuff and keep it around because they think they're doing a favor in case someone who likes hot sauce comes to visit? Most suburban homes seem to have a bottle of dark brown rotted Tabasco in the back of a cupboard for nobody. Or do people just buy the stuff because it's what you're supposed to put in a Bloody Mary? -- K. Also, I like leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:18:14 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So... you like your clothes to have a CD player, phonecam, and a > > Swiss Army Knife built-in? > > Yes. Also,lots of extra waterproof pockets to carry dog treats in such as > crumbly,broiled liver and the occasional worm I find to take home for > future fishing. (Sometimes I forget about the worm until I smell a > horrendous odor which I realize, too late, is not coming from the nether > regions of my dogs for once.) I was going to go on some sort of parody hippie rant about "You can't 'find' a worm, man, because..." but I couldn't think of any reasons why anyone would care whether or not it was possible to do anything in particular with a worm. Worms are just like gummi worms, only alive. > > (I would've said "a Leatherman tool", but...) > > You wouldn't have been too far off. I have a Little Knife. But you're not a Little Knife! Are you? > > Who _are_ those people who buy Tabasco? Either you like hot sauce, > > in which case you hate Tabasco, or you don't like hot sauce, in which > > case you hate Tabasco. > > Around here, it is apparently a required condiment because it's on > every restaurant table amongst the salt,pepper and sugar packets. > Since it's imperative to me that I fit in as a southerner, I use it > on everything. I actually like it and find it tastes good, even on > angel food cake. I like to add a couple drops to Coke just to give it a little sting. > > Also, I like leather. > > Leather is your friend. It breathes for you when you can't. And that's the only thing wrong with it! > Also, you can wipe the bugs off easily when you've just returned > from a motorcyle ride and encountered a bunch of horny love bugs > in the middle of mating season. Mmmmmmmmm. What I wouldn't give to "encounter" a "bunch" of "horny" love "bugs" right now. Too bad I'm riding the train instead of a cycle. CURSE YOU FOR POINTING OUT THE BANALITY OF MY EXISTENCE!!! -- K. I keep thinking it would be fun to dump the contents of my closet into a time machine and run it backwards so I could watch them turn into some hollowed-out cows, some rubber trees, and a copper strip mine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 15:29:40 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody cares about my fine distinctions between Frank's and Texas Pete's > > Do you think it's safe to open the jar of Shotgun Willie's that a friend > gave me (more than) a few years ago, or would it just be like > extra-strong vinegar now? He told me at the time to be sure to eat it > within a couple months because it had no preservatives. I figured > capsaicin was probably about as good a preservative as it needed, but now > I have this fear of being overwhelmed with that horrible > acetate-and-sulfate smell I remember from the high-school chemistry lab. It just may have gone lame. If it's been exposed to light, very lame. Hot pepper doesn't necessarily keep. Go to any big-city supermarket's vegetable aisle and look at the pathetic habanero peppers sitting there dissolving themselves with their own precious bodily fluids, turning translucent and losing their flavor. Just buy a new jar or bottle! I mean, you can get a little bottle of some starter sauce like Frank's for 79c even in Boston (where a can of Hormel chili is $2.19.) If you don't get to use it very often, throw out the bottle and buy a new one once in a while. I'd say at least every six months if you're not refrigerating them. Pretend they're ketchup. Would you eat ketchup that had been sitting on the counter for six months? I keep my hot sauces in the fridge so that they'll last longer. Also it makes them a little thicker, better for use as nugget-dipping sauce. > Living with two people who can't tolerate even the faintest hint of hot > pepper makes it a Very Big Decision to bother to get out any hot foods at > home. I guess that's why I've developed such a taste for Wendy's "Spicy" > Chicken Sandwiches. That's why you need the sort of sauce you can just pour over the food after it's cooked. And as an added bonus, if an argument breaks out with your two husbands or whoever they are, you can just squirt the bottle towards their face and watch them run away screaming as their eyeballs dissolve. And then tell them it was an honest accident and take them to the hospital. And then while they're hooked up to the intravenous bag, switch it for a big bottle of hot sauce. Tell them that was an accident too. Then explain that if they want to keep living with you, they're going to have to learn to tolerate hot sauce, and they have a choice of ingesting it orally, or... Man, am I in a bad mood. I apologize to your two husbands. -- K. "Daddy, why is Other Daddy pouring hot sauce over Spare Daddy?" ...YOU WRITE THE PUNCHLINE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 01:08:36 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Do you think it's safe to open the jar of Shotgun Willie's that > > > a friend gave me (more than) a few years ago, > > > > It just may have gone lame. If it's been exposed to light, very lame. > > It turned out to be still quite hot, but all the sugars (especially in > the onions) had caramelized long ago, so it was like yucky old starchy > corn syrup with a faint hint of jalapeno flavor and a rather unpleasantly > hot kick. In other words, identical to the packets of "hot sauce" for the Wendy's 99c chili, except for the "unpleasantly hot" part. The Wendy's stuff as sweet as pure corn syrup, and also less spicy. > I thought at first that there was a ring of mold around the rim, > but that was just how caramelized it was. Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us you ate it anyway, you Goop! -- K. A whole bottle of hot sauce, even in Boston, is only 79c. Wendy's won't give me any when I pay 99c for their chili. I assume the two cents' worth of hot sauce would double the cost of the ingredients of their lousy chili. Their chili would be fine if I were allowed to spice it up. Anything tastes good when it's really hot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:32 -0400 Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.netcom.ca) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Wendy's] chili would be fine if I were allowed to spice it up. > > > > If you're not carrying a bottle of your favourite hot sauce around in > > a shoulder holster at all times, then you're not really trying. > > Kibo needs a new leather accessory! A bandolero loaded > with a few dozen hot sauce choices. He can be the Spicy > Leatherman. Not to be confused with the Old-Spice > Leatherman, nor the Spicy Old Leatherman. It's a leather CD-player case from Case Logic. I have my digital camera in it and other useful travel items such as nail clippers, hand wipes, and sometimes a bottle of sauce. Today I had a seventy- nine-cent bottle of sriracha sauce in my briefcase because it was time to bring a new bottle to the office, and apparently the flavor of the week is sriracha (not very hot but wow is it garlicky.) I only have a bottle of sauce with me about 30% of the time, since as you've pointed out I don't have a convenient way to carry one. I would just keep a bottle of sauce in my leather jacket except that I'm afraid all the tools in the pocket would break the bottle. I keep wishing they'd make little unbreakable plastic hot sauce bottles, bigger than the teeny Tabasco bottles the Army puts in MREs, and make them available to consumers for those of us who only need to bring a couple ounces to dinner. Packets are too small and too likely to rupture, and regular hot sauce bottles (tall and skinny glass ones) are too fragile and don't fit into some pockets. I want stubby unbreakable plastic bottles the size of Twinkies or shorter. Okay, so the Spicy Leatherman and the Astronaut and the Hockey Player and the Medieval Knight and the Pro Bowler and the Asbestos-Removal Guy would be the New Village People for the new era. But they'd have to change some of their lyrics. Like, "Milkshake" wouldn't work if you put a lot of hot pepper into it. Plus some chick did a different song by that title recently (and, amazingly, made it even worse!) so "Milkshake" is ruled out. So how do we get hot pepper into "In The Navy"? And forget the bandolero, it would be something like a leather Y-harness. With an onion ring at the bottom. -- K. And the leather strips would all be bacon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:38 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In other words, identical to the packets of "hot sauce" for the > > Wendy's 99c chili, except for the "unpleasantly hot" part. The Wendy's > > stuff as sweet as pure corn syrup, and also less spicy. > > Something tells me you've never actually tried to use corn syrup that's > sat in the back of the cabinet so long it's turned stringy. Think of the > starchy film that covers cheap pasta after it's cooked, only without the > hint of gluteny sweetness. Generic imitation SpaghettiOs _are_ that film all the way through, except for the holes. > > Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us > > you ate it anyway, you Goop! > > But, but, I didn't eat it until AFTER I had picked at the black ring and > found that it was hard and sticky rather than soft and pungent! If you pick at it, it'll never crust over. I keep wanting to be in some sort of accident which will lead to me having a full-body crusting-over, just to see if when I pick at it I can peel off a six-foot scab too big to fit in the hospital's little red medical-waste disposal box, and then they'll never be able to throw it away, they'll just have to prop it up on a pedestal and claim it's a Giacometti sculpture of me. -- K. He never actually did one of me because he said I was too skinny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 02:31:56 -0400 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rule of thumb: If you _think_ your food is moldy, _don't_ tell us > > you ate it anyway, you Goop! > > So this one time, my pal Tim was making smoothies. And he was getting > stuff out of his minifridge and was about to add some strawberries to the > blender when I told him that they looked a little fuzzy. He said "That's > just ice", and then he tasted one. "Oh. That's not ice." Whoosh! Fuzzy White Kontext-Away dips into the archives and roars back with a random fragment from a news article I quoted almost exactly five years ago (April 10, 1999): -> -> ``If they know a particular consumer is consuming ice cream and -> also throws a package of strawberries away, they begin to learn -> consumer habits,'' he said. Voom! Fuzzy White Kontext-Away terrifies Little Albert on its way back to its protective storage sock! > > Their chili would be fine if I were > > allowed to spice it up. Anything > > tastes good when it's really hot! > > Kibo's just metatrolling to get somebody to ask him how hot sauce on cheese > would taste, but it's not going to be me. The hot sauce and cheese would fuse into a thing which can eat through anything, especially dining-room tables and the Earth's crust, destroying all life as we know it and causing the Earth's guts to get barfed out all over the Solar System, causing the Martians to shake their fists and swear at us in some alien version of "!@#$%^&*!" with weirder-looking punctuation marks substituting for weird-looking letters. When I said "anything", I merely meant "anything within the possible range of quality of things that fast-food chains might sell as 'chili'," I was not referring to non-food items such as cheese. I simply meant that even Morton House canned chili would taste much better than a regular bowl of cholesterol Roto-Rootered from the insides of horse aortas if you dumped a quarter of a bottle of hot sauce into it. (A quarter of a bottle is about the most I can take in one bowl of food, and then only if the food is so lame that it needs that much spice. I use less hot sauce on good food, such as White Castles.) -- K. Hot sauce is not a condiment or seasoning to be dripped into another sauce you're making. It's called hot _sauce_ because it _is_ the sauce, you're supposed to cover your food with it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:13:26 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Would you eat ketchup that had been sitting on the counter > > for six months? > > When Kibo recommends not eating something, you'd best take his advice. I didn't recommend not eating anything! I just questioned the unhygenic rancid-ketchup-eating practices of you sickos. However, if you want me to recommend some things you shouldn't eat... Things Not For The Eating ------------------------- Cobalt Asparagus With Eyes Bac*Os Made From Fiberglas Nut 'n' Hornet Zingers Shrinky Dinks Elastric Truds, Whatever They Are Poisonghetti-Os Uvula Surprise Mike Wallace's Bath Towel Wookie Meatballs Durian In A Blanket In High Heels Asafetida Coke Deep-Fried Mr. Bubble Cat-Lax Yoo-Hoo Willie Whistle -- K. I've tried them all, except for the clown. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:08:43 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I get? Remember, > > > it's spring before posting color choices! > > > > Remember: no white casts after Labour Day! I have no idea what that means. > > The last time I wore a cast was when I broke my thumb. It was a big huge > honkin' mess of white plaster that extended all the way up to my elbow. And > my thumb was positioned in the 'hitch-hiker' position. It would be cooler if you called it the "Ayyyyyy!" position, or better yet, the "Yo, sit'n'spin!" position. Other cool names for a broken thumb include: [the remainder of the 150,000-item list has been omitted to conserve space on the Internet so there will be more room for important things like sweepstakes, porn, and pornstakes, but not in that order] -- K. "Yo, you can collect yer prize right here!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:30:57 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping it > > > while lifting -- > > > > What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? > > And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > > A brand-new AIR CONDITIONER, BOB! You know how people always say > "Don't lift with your back" because you might herniate a disc and > scream in agony? Don't lift a wall unit with your arms -- get your > legs to support the weight instead of pulling the unit up with your > arms. If you don't, you may hear a loud crack followed by intense > pain and the thud of your new air conditioner hitting the table. I > understand that drunken arm wrestlers often fracture their humeri (?) > the way I did (spiral fracture with a "clean" break above the elbow). > "Over the Top" is now my favorite Stallone movie. Not "Party At Kitty & Studs"? Also, only dilithium crystals have spiral fractures. We learn that in one of the "Star Trek" cartoons, the one where everyone shrinks because the radiation that unpeels all the dilithium crystals makes people's DNA wind up, making them the size of ants. This proves that your body is made of dilithium instead of 100% DNA like the rest of us. If I were you, I'd stay out of direct sunlight, and whatever you do, don't stand directly between any matter and antimatter. > > > Dressing left-handed sucks, but eating left-handed is hilariously > > > funny to EVERYONE BUT ME!!!!!! > > > > Oh, so it's the opposite of a pun. > > Oh it's so-o-o-o entertaining to my family & friends. "Why don't you > break the left one so you'll have a matched set? HAW HAW!" Oh, wait, > one sister-in-law cried, so she's still in the will. Maybe you could leave her your slightly used air conditioner! So many memories in every bloodstain on it... > > Why haven't you asked us all to sign your cast? We could E-mail you > > things you could print out on stickers. Or are you _ashamed_ of us? > > What sort of friend are you who doesn't want us to sign your cast just > > because we're all pointing at you and laughing because you broke your > > arm in such a hilarious way? > > You're outta my will again, Kibo! Actually, they only put on half a > cast with some kind of tight bandage-wrap doodad that was wet and > dried hard because they're sadis ^H^H going to see how well the bone > set on April 9th. If they put on a "real" cast, what color should I > get? Remember, it's spring before posting color choices! Why choose? Just ask for an amputation. Then you won't have to wait for your arm to heal! And you can safety-pin the arm of any color of shirt you want over the stump! Also, how does typing "sadis space backspace backspace going" equal anything other than the nonsense word "sadigoing"? Would someone who enjoys whatever "sadigoing" is be called a "sadiggler" or a "sadigor" or a "sadigant"? What sort of sadigizmos would a sadigant sadigrab at the sadigrocery store? And where's my local sadigrocery store? I mean, I love regular grocery stores, so... > > Anyway, get better soon. If you're not out of that cast in three days, > > you will be disrespecting our wishes! > > Mel Gibson's set to make "The Passion of Chris" if it heals before > midnight. Another movie I won't pay to see. I did see "Payback", though. (I had no choice, I was forced to watch that movie on a bus to Quebec.) Maybe you can get icy dominatrix Lucy Liu to torture you for us? -- K. Being tortured by Lucy Liu wouldn't be half as painful as having to watch "Payback" again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 01:48:03 -0500 So I deleted all the porn from my broken laptop computer before sending it in for service. When I got it back today, they had inadvertently included the company's internal "Traveler Sheet" describing the disposition of my "unit". One of the notes on the sheet is "Unit is dirty." I'm not sure whether this means that they undeleted my porn or just that they found it icky to have to repair a computer that human hands had been touching. They replaced my keyboard and trackpad button for no reason other than that my fingers had worn the paint off parts of them. Oh, and there were several different colors of hairs caught under the keys. My computer is now free of the manufacturing defect which caused it to go solid black. I don't know the details, I just know that everyone with this model gets a free replacement logic board because all these computers died or are about to die. At least this isn't one of the models where the batteries randomly exploded. So here's what got replaced for free when the computer died: 1. Logic board. 2. Keyboard. 3. Trackpad button. 4. Upper half of the plastic case. 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. 6. Ethernet ID sticker. 7. Grounding tape on metal shielding. My computer still has the same serial number, but at least 2/3 of its mass was replaced by an exact duplicate. And most of that was because they were too lazy to wash it even though they were miffed that I got their computer dirty after I bought it. (I should show them what I did to my Atari 130XE. That computer had the ventilation slots on top, and guess where I spilled a jar of black enamel paint.) -- K. P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 15:43:43 -0500 Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. I have had the same blood-red desktop color for > > years, but today is the first day it matches my beard. > > So you earned your Red Wings today, eh James? Good on ye! (trying to be gentle) Everyone else here addresses me as "Kibo". This is because they know that I like being called "Kibo" and they also know that I can be very, very cruel to people who cross me. They also know that I like the Ottawa Senators, not the Detroit Red Wings. > OK, now the leather makes sense. What leather? I thought we were talking about hockey. And about how I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut if you ever make the mistake of calling me by my tax-form name again. -- K. P.S. You're a pervert. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:23:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Nicko (ni@dot.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'm gonna pull your jersey over your head and punch you in the gut > > > > A-and I never even had to say "please"! > > But you will. Oh, you will. Real soon now. You don't have to say "Please start hurting me!" to someone who's in a bad bad mood. You _do_ have to say "Please stop hurting me!" At least twenty times. Assuming I hadn't secretly called an Opposites Zone centered on you. And assuming the rules here in Fight Club allowed me to stop hurting you before my bad mood blew over. It's raining here, and rain always puts me in a bad mood. Supposed to rain for the next several days. Fear the rain! So, you don't need to apologize for being disrespectful of me. Just like you don't need to go a whole day without some sort of massive physical injury. Kevin, hold his arms while I get the spaghetti strainer. He's going through. -- K. It's like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, but easier to clean out afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Dirty, dirty computer! Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 13:54:17 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 5. Rubber feet on the bottom of the case. > > Recently, the rubber feet on my laptop melted off. I've had rubber feet on top of my lap too. > I suppose it was due to heat. They ended up as very sticky purple puddles > on the piece of plywood which I rest the laptop on. (Because you can't > put a laptop on your LAP, unless you want to burn your nads off, right?) Real men put their laptops on their crotches all the time, even in public. If your laptop is too warm for your tenderness, put a doily under it, you wuss. > I went to the electronics shop to buy some replacement rubber feet > and told the lady there about the melty problem. Not the right type of store for talking to a woman about your rubber problems. You might want to look for one of those stores with the opaque black windows. > I said I was going to use metho (methylated spirits) to clean the > melted rubber off. She said to use eucalyptus oil (surprisingly not > called "euco") instead. THIS IS KOALA FETISH! > So I did! And now it has new rubber feet. I can't get all the melted > purple gunk off the piece of plywood, but hey, it's only plywood. The > new feet are about 5mm high, giving extra cooling room over the standard > 2mm feet. My new feet are 4" off the ground, so that if there's a severe flood, the water won't even come up to my toes. Some people prepare for floods by wearing short pants, and then they all get Lyme disease from the chiggers and the other ankle-biters. Me, I'm far enough off the ground that not even a koala could climb me, even if I had delicious mentho-euco Vicks VapoRub on my chest. (Other types of bears are more likely to climb me.) > AND! My computer was dirty, so I tried cleaning it with metho. I > rubbed a big hunk of the purple right off the top of the lid! > So don't do that! Ha ha, now your grape iBook looks slightly less like a big piece of candy. Keep cleaning it and maybe it'll look like some non-candy-like food product, such as Maypo! -- K. You could try cleaning it with Vicks VapoRub, which would save a lot of trouble because your koala would lick it clean and then die so you wouldn't have to clean up after him either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:21:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > I got the subject "Hi there_Bea Arthurs Dick". > > I can neither improve on that nor comment on it. I hope you thanked the spammer for giving you such a great new nickname for all of us to call you from now on. It's even a great set of initials -- you could get a monogrammed shirt that says "B.A.D." Sincerely, Mr. Awesome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Font folly foils funny funny Fool's fotoshopping. Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 16:32:24 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Geez, Sydney Morning Herald, when you're going to Photoshop a Vegas > marquee to help sell one of your April Fool's stories, you could at > least TRY to match the typeface and appearance of the original sign. > Sheesh. > > http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/03/31/1080544534754.html Maybe they were trolling at level 2 and are sitting around their office in Sydney laughing, "Ha ha, we fooled Joe Manfre into thinking we were trying to fool him for real when we were just trying to do this as badly as humanly possible in order to get some free publicity when he mentions us on alt.religion.kibology." This is why they're rich and you aren't. Still, at least they matched the colors. The perspective-distorted plastic block letters on the sign and the two-dimensional Times Roman they added are both sort of red. In the same way that Santa Claus and a light bruise are both sort of red, therefore it's impossible to tell whether your thigh has a bruise or Santa Claus growing out of it. The next time you get a bruise, maybe Sydney Morning Herald sneakily put Santa Claus onto your leg to fool you! Newspaper April Fool's stories suck. Like remember that one where they made up that woman named "Monica Lewinsky"? -- K. She was computer-animated by the same people who did "Aliens vs. Predator". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paula and Plockwort Bait Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 18:23:22 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > > > And I have no casserole here. > > Check. This paragraph no casserole. Dear Douglas Hofstadter... Sign seen on the shoreline: +---------------------+ | Welcome to our c. | | Notice there is | | no asserole in it. | +---------------------+ I am submitting that to your "Humor In Language" column to be printed in the five-dimensional Plutonian steam-powered Reader's Digest, with no casserole, no asserole, and certainly no "I am Joe's 'I am Joe's column'" column. -- K. The next sentence contains no sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:08:27 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > So, what *was* the origin of the longstanding meme that people who get > drunk at parties like to adorn their heads with the nearest available > lampshade? And why don't they make lampshades that you can actually do this with? They always have that weird little clampy thing inside that will only fit a three-inch head. And mine's 7 5/8. No matter how many times I've tried to put a lampshade on my head, it never works, and then everyone laughs at me. So now, at parties, I've switched to just drawing mustaches on posters of movie stars. It's a lot harder to get that wrong in a way which would make people laugh. -- K. Oh, and lampshades are only for wimps. A single bare 5000-watt halogen bulb in the exact center of the room, that's the way to go. Tough guys don't need lampshades because we have sunglasses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 15:16:10 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > Now, a BARE overhead light would probably send me off the deep-end. > > GAH! I can't even *think* about it without cringing! > > Give me a row of 8x4x2 20W flourescent lights any day, baybeee! Just > make sure none of them are flickering (my local dentist has had the > same bulb flickering for at least 3 months now). How about a room with flickering overhead lights where the walls are painted solid fluorescent green? Of course, I eventually determined that those torture chambers in the building where I work aren't dentist's offices, just a team of a psychiatrist and chiropractor, but still, it amounts to the same thing -- being strapped down to something while someone tells you he's going to have to stick a drill into your head and someone else pulls your pants down and paddles you to relieve pain. (Theirs, not yours.) I really should stop talking about those evil offices. I'm probably drumming up lots of extra business for them. And as every comedian knows, extra business is bad. -- K. It's not technically called a "paddle", it's some official chiropractor terminology like "magic butt hurter". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 02:09:28 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, and lampshades are only for wimps. A single bare 5000-watt > > halogen bulb in the exact center of the room, that's the way to go. > > Tough guys don't need lampshades because we have sunglasses. > > This brings to mind yet another quirk of mine. I cannot and will not > tolerate overhead lights in my home. Period. Well, except for in the > bathroom but that light is shielded by a dome fixture which tones it down > quite a bit. You might have noticed the lack of overheads when you visited. Not really. You see, I don't have a single ceiling-mounted light fixture either, except for the one in the kitchen and one in the hall (they came with the apartment.) I have a few floor lamps and these weird futuristic inventions called "windows" that allow light and the penetrating gaze of peeping nuns into my wonderfully gloomy living space. I should get rid of those windows. Maybe cover them with foil. > [...] > > What is strange is that overhead lights anywhere else don't phase me > in the least. I just need to have my home dimly lit with lamps that > are asymmetrically arranged. This is because most overhead lights have a quantum phase resonance signature caused by the wavelength of the light being modulated by the sub-space anti-triolic phase induction capacitor to focus a plasma-energy pulse on the harmonic center of the forward lateral lobe of Whoopi Goldberg's giant deflector hat so that she'll spill a Space Martini down Brent Spiner's spandex jumpsuit, causing his character to experiment with cursing like a human and then he and Whoopi would chase each other around the room at warp speed to the tune of "Yakety Sax" played on a Theremin. Note that "phase" and "faze" are homonyms which are not antonyms, unlike "raise" and "raze" ("I raised the barn, then I razed the barn.") but still it is amusing to think that someday it will be possible to accidentally replace your halogen lamps with phaser lamps that keep disintegrating your party guests, while in outer space, Picard tries to defend himself against a Giant Space Smudge that just ate Wesley, but he can't do it because he's only armed with a fazer that just makes the monster look lightly uncomfortable before it eats him. > Now, a BARE overhead light would probably send me off the deep-end. > GAH! I can't even *think* about it without cringing! How about that episode where Picard looks at all the bare bulbs overhead and screams "THERE! ARE! FOUR! LIGHTS!" to prove that, unlike normal people, officers of high rank are immune to torture? -- K. This article contains some very long sentences. Why? Because. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 22:41:39 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should get rid of those windows. Maybe cover them with foil. > > Note that only Genuine Metal (TM) Foil will stop the CIA mind control rays. Is that the real reason why they don't sell leather foil at the supermarket? > > Note that "phase" and "faze" are homonyms which are not antonyms, > > unlike "raise" and "raze" ("I raised the barn, then I razed the barn.") > > "Homophones", which is almost a homophone of "homophobes", especially when > you have a virus in your rhino. What's the difference between a homonym and a homophone? Different sources disagree. Merriam-Webster says a homonym is either (a) a homophone, (b) a homograph, or (c) two words that are spelled the same (their example is the noun "quail" and the verb "quail".) They claim a homophone is a pair of words that sound alike and may or may not be spelled alike. And a homograph are two words which are spelled alike but may or may not be pronounced alike. My brain hertz. But back to the conspiracy. Daylight Saving Time just began, or ended, or something, this weekend. And we all know it was first invented by Ben Franklin, just like half the other things we take for granted. Note the pattern to his life's work: He went to London so he could join the Hellfire Club. He went to Paris so he could ask the Marquis de Sade for dating tips. He invented the Postal Service so that he could get dirty books in the mail. He invented bi-focals so he could read them. He invented electricity so he could stick the electrodes down his pants. He invented insurance in case he electrocuted himself too hard. He invented the fire department because he did. In short, everything he did was motivated by his perversions. So, what was his rationale for inventing Daylight Saving Time? Was it some crazy scheme to make everyone else an hour sleepier so they'd be woozy and easier to tie to his bed? Or did he just not enjoy taking his daily "air baths" when it was too dark for passersby to see his winky hanging out his living room window? The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia claims Ben Franklin introduced the United States to tofu, but I seriously doubt that, because even someone as brilliant as him wouldn't be able to find something perverted to do with tofu. -- K. I can only think of three things. The best requires you to get a block of cold tofu, a jar of live fireflies, and one of those little plastic things from the center of a pizza box. Then unscrew the back of your TV set, take off one shoe, and FOR THE REMAINDER OF THIS ARTICLE, INSERT ANOTHER QUARTER. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 15:04:49 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And why don't they make lampshades that you can actually do this with? > > They always have that weird little clampy thing inside that will only > > fit a three-inch head. > > Wait, you think it was any easier back when lampshades only fit a head > with a harp and post? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a > finial that will actually screw onto my head? Not your head, but I have some experience with other people's. Let me get my drill so I can countersink this properly. Has anyone else ever wondered how much electricity the world could save by throwing away the lampshades and just buying bulbs that aren't so bright? Or better yet, just learning to read by the light of the TV screen? TVs use less electricity than lamps because not all of it turns into light, some of it turns into sound, and sound is easy to make. In fact, it's harder to design a machine to run silently. So if you're one of those nerds who reads under a lamp, turn off your lamp and tune in to the Game Show Network! People who don't have the TV on while they read are a drain on society! WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, YOU WILL BE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL, WITH A LAMPSHADE ON YOUR HEAD! -- K. Or, for even more light when reading, just buy two copies of the book, and burn one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid GiftCat Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 00:16:38 -0500 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Ya know that commercial that has the lady calling to the "kitty" in her > backyard that is actually a skunk ? GiftCat comes galloping into the living > room EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. That ad has been running 3-5 times a day for > about 6 weeks or so and she still falls for it every time. And then she > gives me a dirty look like I did some kinda dirty trick on her. Well, that's what you get for not having TiVo. People who don't use TiVo to flash over the commercials should be arrested for cruelty to stupid cats. > Also her food dish got moved to a new local about 10 months ago and she > still goes and sits by the old spot when she wants food. Maybe she's not saying "I want food," but "I want the food to be moved back to _this_ spot, you doofus who doesn't understand Feng Shui." Cats have an innate talent for such bogus sciences, even better than Chinese people. > I'm beginning to think she aint all that bright. So get the woman on your TV to yell, "Here, kitty, come read these educational books!" and your cat will smarten up real fast. Failing that, replace the cat with an identical-looking but smarter one then give yourself a head injury so you won't notice the switch. As an added bonus, the head injury will make the replacement cat seem even smarter. I know, because I once had an undiagnosed head injury. At least I think it was undiagnosed because I don't remember whether or not I went to the hospital. -- K. And now I'm all different and crap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: QOTD describing Kibo Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:01:53 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Saw this quote of the day a few minutes ago, and figured this just > *had* to be about Kibo, and his sadomagnetic eyes: > > "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was > falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." My eyes are not gum for mortals like you to chew upon. Incidentally, it turns out that the sort of silvery-gray steel color of my eyes is not all that uncommon (plenty of people born with blue eyes lose their pigment) but since I'm the only one who ever brags about how cool it is that I have neutral eyes, I still feel very special. Also, the proper thing to do with eyes is to swallow without chewing. -- K. I tried to catch his eye, but it fell into the sewer grate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:31:57 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I am a total newbie to Usenet. I posted a message yesterday about > "kibology" and how I am new to the newsgroup, and how I stumbled upon it. > > Then, I post the message, and it tells me that it will take anywhere > from 3 to 9 hours to show up. I check for my message today, and I > don't see it. What's up with that? > > Does Kibo look at every single message before they are formally > posted? Should any one person have this much power? QUIET! You will not speak until you are spoken to! -- K. Hold on while I get my newbie paddle. That's the big one in the glass box that says "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF SEVERE HAZING RITUAL." It's covered with a mixture of thumbtacks and Crunchberries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:18:10 -0500 Scott Burley (scottburley@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hold on while I get my newbie paddle. [...] > > It's covered with a mixture of thumbtacks and Crunchberries. > > When you're done, can I have the Crunchberries? Oh, you can have the _whole_ paddle! I'll give it to you, all right! > Actually, just the thumbtacks would be OK too. You can substitute thumbscrews for only an extra 29 cents, and add cole slaw for another 59 cents. For good cole slaw, 79. > Unless they're covered in blood, or worse, pus. Phlegm is iffy. Yours or theirs? -- K. Cole slaw is iffy in exactly the same way as phlegm, except with more lumps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 15:26:26 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > That's a relief. You posted it to the internet, didn't you? That's > > like taking the long way around. Post it directly to usenet and it > > should work fine. > > I don't know how to post it directly to Usenet. Remember, I am the > newbie that just got hit with "thumbtacks and Crunchberries." It goes > throught Google. How can I get software that posts directly to > Usenet? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL? And did I tell you to have a throught? No. When I want you to thrink, I'll tell you. I do the thrinking around here. Now go back to sitting on that hot stove while I finish cooking your dinner. Since the stove is busy working on your butt, I'll just have to cook this Hamburger Helper in your Easy-Bake Oven. It should only take about 36 hours. Longer if I add meat to this new Thumbtack & Crunchberry Flavor Hamburger Helper. I will let you know when you can stop roasting your ass. -- K. Be good or I'll take away your Google. Then you'll have to search the Web the old-fashioned way -- with the card catalog! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:43:00 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Seriously, I'm not that stupid. Don't you DARE contradict us ever again. And nobody gave you permission to speak. Don't make me get the hanky soaked in Krazy Glue. > The Internet and Usenet are different, but they have connected. > I am connecting to Usenet through the Internet. I don't quite think you're "connecting" yet. > I'm using Google, throught the Internet. STOP THROUGHTING!!! > It's alright, but do you know of any free readers that I could get > with those sharp, cool features? Well, your school library might have "Fun With Dick And Jane" or possibly the old McGuffey. When working your way through the "Dick And Jane" series, I recommend "Go Away, Spot." -- K. Also, why do you keep being so mean to us? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:53:17 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > Seth, don't pay any attention to Stacia. [...] > > > > Seriously, I'm not that stupid. [...] > > Exactly. Don't listen to Kevin. Seth, I command you to do _everything_ Stacia and Kevin tell you to do. This means to obey each of them when they tell you to disobey the other. Also, there is only one barber in town, and he cuts the hair of everyone who never gets a haircut, and vice versa. What color is the bear? Think carefully and answer as if your life depended on it. Then, compute, to the last digit, the value of pi, and move the decimal point to the other end, then give me that many White Castles. Your move. -- K. Do you know what my favorite scene in "Fight Club" is? No, I suppose you don't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:40:41 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Tell me a story Do you want the one about the time I went on a killing spree with a Weed-Wacker, or the one about the next killing spree I'm going to go on, with a Weed-Wacker in outer space? And do you want it told in the form of prose or cake decorations? Either way, you won't get it, because I do not perform at the drop of a hat for someone who says "Tell me a story" without a respectful use of punctuation. Unless the hat you're dropping is full of money, in which case you might get a novel. -- K. Also, can it be an interactive story with a scene where I push a button that makes Donald Trump fall into a vat of radioactive polenta? Because I will push that button over and over until I pass out from glee... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 13:17:14 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Tell me a story > > The queen died. Then the king died. <------- not a story > > The queen died. Then the king died of grief. <------ story > > Well, according to E.M. Forster, anyway. Okay, so how would E.M. categorize these story-like examples? The queen died. Then the king died. Then we laughed at them. The queen died. Then the king died. E.M. Forster said this wasn't a story... and now he's dead. The queen died. Then the king died. It was the bloodiest poker hand ever! The queen died. Then the king died. This is a story because it says it is. I bet old E.M. would love to be resurrected to scope out the Internet, when you consider what "The Machine Stops" had to say about Internet culture long before stuff like computers happened. -- K. Also, "E.M." is a girl's name! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:22:21 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet old E.M. [Forster] would love to be resurrected to scope out > > the Internet, when you consider what "The Machine Stops" had to say > > about Internet culture long before stuff like computers happened. > > I once tried to explain to mom how nifty cool it was that EM wrote > about the Internet before it happened, and she patted me on the head and > murmured something about how sad it was to have had a daughter who was > not only ugly, but bad at sports. You didn't pull out a whiteboard to draw a many-colored diagram proving that "Howard's End" and "The Matrix" were exactly the same movie? That's what I would have done. Also "Baby Geniuses" and her favorite movie. Unless "Baby Geniuses" was already her favorite movie, in which case I'd draw some squiggles to prove it was exactly the same as a piece of dryer lint made by jellyfish doing their laundry underwater. I don't know what I'm talking about either. -- K. So stop listening already! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 03:28:16 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Tell me a story > > These two popes go into a bicycle shop. > > [I'm bored now. Someobody else can finish it.] The first Pope takes off his hat and there is a tiny Satan underneath, and he's dancing and laughing and blowing soap bubbles from a little plastic bubble pipe with a cat's face embossed on the front of the bowl. The bubbles stick to the bicycle shop's bicycle-seat-textured wallpaper. The shopkeeper is upset at these ring-shaped stains. The second Pope tries to lick the wallpaper clean, but that doesn't work, so he also takes off his hat, revealing Little Cat Z, who is smoking a bubble pipe with a Pope face embossed on it. Little Cat Z unleashes the cleaning power of sparkling new Voom, now enhanced with the effervescence of papaya. But Voom proves to be too powerful and cleans all the flesh off their bones. Then the Popes' skeletons arm-wrestle to determine who will be Skeleton Pope Arm-Wrestling Champion Of The World, but then a Skeleton Pope from Mars is better and they both cry. THE END. -- K. I'll let someone else make up a title, so that I can chastize them for not making up a good one because it's impossible to make up a good title for this story without it being wildly inappropriate, because this story doesn't deserve to have a good title. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:11:19 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'll let someone else make up a title, so that I can chastize them > > for not making up a good one because it's impossible to make up a > > good title for this story without it being wildly inappropriate, > > because this story doesn't deserve to have a good title. > > "The Wildly Innapropriate Little Story". Hey, great title! Now I feel no need to chastize you! > Chastize away,I have no feelings. Waah, you're mean for not pretending you don't want me to chastize you! I should chastize you for being so mean to me. > (Plus, I think it's a perfect title for the story,which I happened > to like.) Okay, now I don't need to chastize you. > But then, I also like reruns of The Waltons, Okay, now I do. > so take my opinion with a healthy dose of sedatives. Sorry, I'm busy watching a _new_ episode of "The Waltons". It stars the entire cast of "Lexx" and it was written by Jack Nicholson while stoned! Also it has a budget of five hundred million dollars but they only spent one million on the show so the other $499,000,000 will be divided among the viewers. -- K. Also, while I'm typing this, I'm on an Orange Line train directly across from an abortion-rights ad which is trying to scare me with a fake newspaper front page headlined "ABORTION CRIMINALIZED!" but the designer didn't allow any margins for the bracket that covers the edge of the poster so it really says "BORTION CRIMINALIZED! IGHT WING CELEBRATES HISTORIC VICTORY!" and I need to know what bortion is. Is it something involving the Swedish Chef and a blumpie? Or is he earning his Ight Wings? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 05:00:51 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [story] > > Wonderful. I never realised before that Satan used a Hello Kitty > bubble-pipe. It wasn't a Hello Kitty bubble pipe. It was a reasonably realistic-looking plastic pipe (maroon with beige trim) with a representational image of a domestic cat's face on the front in bas-relief. Hello Kitty hadn't been invented back when I had this pipe. I mean when Satan had this pipe. I mean I'm Satan. OOPS! Can someone please invent me a time machine that has a backspace key? I also had a second pipe just like it, but in black. I preferred the maroon one for some reason. It was my favorite pipe and almost began a lifelong addiction to pipe tobacco, except that it only had bubbles in it so actually I got addicted to bubble baths, but I probably shouldn't tell you about that either. 'Cause I'm a tough guy. You know that 'cause I have exactly the same bubble pipe as Satan. Rrrr. -- K. My other favorite preschool toy was the Playmobil 3180 hazmat crew, at least once it arrived yesterday. Note that I specified "preschool toy" so you perverts wouldn't wonder where my replica KGB truncheon fits in. OOPS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 00:46:47 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > Wonderful. I never realised before that Satan used a Hello Kitty > > > bubble-pipe. > > > > It wasn't a Hello Kitty bubble pipe. It was a reasonably realistic- > > looking plastic pipe (maroon with beige trim) with a representational > > image of a domestic cat's face on the front in bas-relief. Hello Kitty > > hadn't been invented back when I had this pipe. > > I bet kibo stole it from Flaming Carrot, which is why he got captured by > aliens. This was circa 1971, so I don't think Bob Burden had invented Flaming Carrot yet -- he was still just doing stuff like nailing himself to the hoods of Volkswagens. But then he drove a thousand thumbtacks into his skin on a dare, and suffered permanent brain damage, and started drawing comic books. > I'd also like to mention that I'm genetically incapable of pronouncing > kibo's name right, but Tyler did it immediately When Tyler caught you mispronouncing my name, did he burn the back of your hand with lye? That's how he taught me. -- K. I loved the taste of bubble soap, but only in that pipe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Am A Newbie Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:55:09 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > I stumbled upon Kibo's site when I was looking for traffic cones. > > There, I relized that I had scraped into the surface of another world, > > a virtual one. It took me several years, and an e-mail of Matt > > McIrvin to figure out what "alt.religion.kibology" was, and what all > > of it was about. I e-mailed Kibo, but he didn't reply. > > > > So now I've registered for Usenet. I want to become a prominent > > "kibologist." It looks like this is just for messing around on > > Usenet. > > What you want to do is create a meme. Or at least be used as one. In much the same manner as a soccer ball is used as a soccer ball. To bodily become a meme. For instance, one option is to ask your doctor to replace your entire body with green floral foam to make it easy for anyone to crush you at any time. Like in that "Star Trek" episode where the girl yeoman is turned into a cuboctahedron and crushed, except without all that unrealistic stuff about people being on a spaceship. Then when you're being crushed, it would make a sound something like "SKRITCH!" and bang, you'd be a meme. Ten minutes later there would be a Tarantino movie where Ving Rhames would say "I'm gonna 'SKRITCH!' your ass!" and that little white circle that represents the dawning of a new meme would blink in the upper right corner of the movie screen for a tenth of a second. And that tenth of a second would be the happiest moment of your life, except for you being dead and crushed and all. Also, Seth, I apologize for the people here who are cruel to newbies. I don't like it when they do that, because I've called dibs on having First Cruels on all newbies. The other 99,999 people here are supposed to be playing "good cop". Me, I'm playing soccer. BAD SOCCER! -- K. SKRITCH! SKRITCH! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Am A Newbie Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:29:48 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, Seth, I apologize for the people here who are cruel to newbies. > > I don't like it when they do that, because I've called dibs on having > > First Cruels on all newbies. > > That's alright. I like a good bag of crunchy "Cruels" every now and then. First: I do not need your permission to be cruel to you. Second: I haven't even started being cruel yet. Third: Did I, or did I not, inform you of the rule about only speaking when spoken to? Fourth: You're not kneeling low enough. I want to see you get your whole head under the radiator! Obey, then you will be commanded to rise, and then you will pull an orange cone down over your head until you can see out the little hole in the tip. I shall now open a big bag of "Cruels" for you. And I think they're crunchier than you could stand! -- K. I could do this all day... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Seal of Quality Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:34:05 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Here's some food for thought. When browsing Usenet, I look for what I > have come to regard as a seal of quality, "-- K." With it comes > quality comedy. It just can't get any better! I do not like my articles browsed. I like them read. Thoroughly. And understood. Completely. And obeyed. Instantly. Much as you did not do with the one where I told you not to speak unless spoken to. Now take off your clothes and climb into the scoop of that steam-shovel so we can begin. -- K. (this mark is also available in the form of a branding iron on your ass) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jones Fufu Berry Soda Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:40:51 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I went to get a sandwich today, and noticed that one drink that I > could by was Jones Fufu Berry Soda. I don't know what a "fufu berry" > is, but I tasted the beverage, and it seemed like a mixture of cherry > and strawberry juices. Can I get some feedback? Does anyone out > there know what a "fufu berry" is? Open your mouth and close your eyes and you'll find out what fufu berries taste like, and what makes 'em release their juice. -- K. I'm not going to punish you for misspelling the three-letter word "buy", because I imagine you're too scared to type right, what with being tied to Anson Williams and all. And you will keep touching Potsie for another 72 hours. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Empire State White Castle has closed Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 15:38:38 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > Figured I ought to post this so that Kibo doesn't accidentally go there > the next time he's in New York City. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURT EVERYONE!!!! MAIM!!!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! POOT, MAKE THEM PUT WHITE CASTLE BACK WHERE IT USED TO BE! > The location on Eighth Avenue between Penn Station and the Port > Authority still exists, I believe. But last time I went to Penn Station I got exposed to anthrax plus whatever diseases their skanky customers may have had. The one on 351 E. 103rd St. seems to still exist, as does the one on 7th in Harlem. Plus there are still a handful in Queens. But I liked the one on 5th Ave. by the Empire State! Even though they put runny pink sugar ketchup on all the burgers unless you told them not to. So what did the location become? A Krispy Kreme or a Tim Horton's? -- K. White castles are something like $4.50 a box at my local market. Goddamn gentification. This is supposed to be a poor neighborhood! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:58:52 -0400 My favorite local supermarket (with "favorite" meaning "the one I go to most often because it's the biggest even though I hate it") is part of the Prudential tower's plaza. When I was walking through the plaza today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a sign saying: KRISPY KREME OPENING IN 12 DAYS Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones into the store cry. I assume people will start camping out there at least twenty-four hours before the grand opening. Any suggestions for what I should do to make these people realize their own inner patheticness are welcome. -- K. I need a splurge gun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:16:51 -0400 HPMgourmet (HPMgourmet@wheresthespam.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a > > sign saying: > > > > KRISPY KREME > > > > OPENING IN 12 DAYS > > > > > > Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can > > do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones > > Perhaps you could show up with a box of DogNuts cleverly obtained at > another KrispyCreme store and kept warm byt storing them beside the engine > of your car. Then drop by munching a dognut and say "O, they are giving > them away 'round the back" That's a good one, especially because it would be a _long_ walk to the back of the Prudential Center plaza. (It's a 60-story skyscraper and several 25-story-ish apartment towers on top of a shopping mall and a maze of twisty little underground passages, all smelly.) So today I went to my other local supermarket, the smaller, closer, pricier one in the oddly-shaped building with the escalator that always gets me compliments on my leathers. Total score today: one person on that escalator complimented me on my leathers (twice!) and asked where I got the pants, one person on the street in Central Square complimented me on my leathers in passing, one person in the drugstore complimented me on my orange hair and said her cousin had the same color (I didn't ask if she also had a purple beard), and one crazy wino in Central Square yelled something inarticulate about my orange hair. (There's this one bench that always has three surly drunks on it, right in the middle of the half-block between the fetishwear store and the art-supply store.) So my total score for today: 3 with an asterisk. At the art-supply store I cleaned out their supply of little screw-top plastic bottles so I can keep some hot sauce on me for emergencies. Unfortunately, "their supply" was just two bottles, and only in the tiny half-ounce size. They're small enough that I couldn't get any of the thick yellow sauce into them, so I just filled them both with red sauce, so I'll probably have to refill them after each use. I could just push my way past the line to be the first person into Krispy Kreme and squirt hot sauce all over the doughnuts. But probably two or three percent of the people in line would like that, and they'd follow me home, but I don't want any new pets that I'd have to keep feeding sticky doughnuts. -- K. I like pets that I don't have to feed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:05:08 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > I've received catalogs about freeze drying your beloved, deceased > > dog before. > > When you buy a lot of dog stuff you get put on every canine > > catalog in the world. > > Have you looked into mummification? > > http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/ > > I hadn't been to their web site in a while... I don't think I've been there in a while either, not since I put up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification". I put the links up, almost all of them rotted within six months, therefore I felt no additional urgency to update them after one, two, three, or seven years. Honestly, I'm surprised _any_ of them still work. Nobody keeps Web sites up, and in the same place, for seven years! Except me. I WIN! > I have no words to describe the incadescent beauty of the following: > > http://summum.kids.us/ > > Particularly, Mummy Bear! > > http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/ > > Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. > > Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool. > Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at > Summum do. Oh. I do need to revise my links page, at least to delete "non-erotic". I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion I've already met them. -- K. Now, let's take the wraps off 2004's exciting new DANCING BEARS OF MUMMIFICATION! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 01:47:42 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear > > and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion > > I've already met them. > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.". No, > _really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left... Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] -> -> Springies: On Off Change Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. (And that was the last moment of non-exposure to stupidity I had for the next two hours as I worked my way through the site...) -> Mummy Bear -> -> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. -> -> Do you like Mummification? I sure do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear says he likes mummification without mentioning sex, implying that he likes mummification better than boring old sex. -> I think it's cool. Actually, it usually gets pretty sweaty. Requires lots of Gatorade. -> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at Summum do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear asks, "Hey kids! Do your friends 'do' mummification?" -> I'm going to go on an journey to unlock the secrets of Modern -> Mummification. Would you like to be my friend and come with me? WINK!!! as Mummy Bear's spell-checker changes a word to "come". -> Yes? Then let's go exploring WINK!!! as Mummy Bear lubes up his Doc Johnson Anal Explorer. -> by clicking the links on the left. We'll go on an adventure, -> and together we'll learn new things and have some fun!! WINKETY-WINK-WINK!!! Now I'll "click" the "links" with my "mouse" to "learn" about Mummy Bear's personal history... -> 26486 BCE -> -> A small, fluffy, bear is born in Atlantis. His name is Ankh Amon. AND THEN HE DIED!!! -> Prince Ankh Amon. But then he changed his name to a picture of an ankh captioned "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Ankh Amon." -> 26393 BCE -> -> Bear Ankh Amon grows up to be crowned king. Gosh, life must have sucked back then, when puberty lasted for decades. -> He is a compassionate and lovable king. HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!! -> 26260 BCE -> -> King Ankh Amon grows to be very old and very wise. -> He dies and is mummified. At age 226, wouldn't he technically have become a mummy well before he died? -> Thousands attend the 77 days of his Transference. -> It is not a time of mourning, but a time of celebration. People will conveniently ignore the fact that a toy teddy bear can't technically "die" because they're not even alive, if it means they can have a 77-day holiday-slash-orgy and party until the continent sinks. -> 10500 BCE -> -> The scientists of Atlantis predict an asteriod will hit the Earth near -> Atlantis and destroy things. Oh no! Once the ass-tear-ee-odd hits Earth, things will be dee-stree-odd! -> The caretakers of Atlantis move Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform far away to -> Egypt so it will be safe. Yeah, save the dead bear and nothing else from your entire civilization. Good plan, imaginary idiots. -> 9001 BCE -> -> An asteriod hits the Earth near an uninhabited Atlantis... Wait, wait. SCENE MISSING! Did all the Atlanteans die from teddy bear cooties or something? -> ...it causes big earthquakes and Atlantis sinks to the bottom -> of the ocean. -> -> Asteroid picture is courtesy of Nasa and artist Don Davis. -> It is used only for illustration. Oh, good to know you guys are thinking about the psychological needs of your visitors who might be too stupid to understand that illustrations are illustrations and not actual doomsday rocks shooting out of their computer screens to kill them. -> 2560 BCE -> -> Ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops). -> -> Mummification has been practiced in Egypt for more than a thousand years. "They practiced it for a thousand years, but WE got it right! Our space-age freezers can preserve any dead teddy bear!" -> 1922 -> -> Howard Carter, an English archeologist, discovers and opens King -> Tutankamun's tomb. -> -> Photo courtesy and copyright of Griffith Institute, Oxford -> http://www.ashmol.ox.ac.uk/Griffith.html I heard that James Dean was wearing a full suit of Space Egyptian Armor under his clothes when he got into a knife fight there. -> Mysterious guardians of Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform are afraid -> Howard and his archeologist friends might find it also. They are -> not supposed to find it. So the guardians move Bear Ankh Amon far -> away to a new, secret location. Is it... THE INTERNET? -> 2003 -> -> A young girl named Cora is told to draw a mummy for school. -> She doesn't like the mean, scary mummies. That's why Mummy Bear is better than her, because he REALLY LIKES mummies. She's just a bigoted mummiphobe! -> She draws hers in the shape of a bear. The kids in her class -> laugh at her. They tell her there are no such things as bear mummies. This is going to lead to one weird show-and-tell session. -> But, Cora doesn't listen to them because she is listening to a -> sound in her ears. A sound that started as soon as she finished -> drawing her mummy bear. And, kids, if you've read this far, you too are now LEGALLY INSANE!!! -> 2004 -> -> A very smart young boy is reading a book called SUMMUM: Sealed -> Except to the Open Mind. Wait, that spells "SETTOM", not "SUMMUM". -> It's a philosophy book that he really likes. He also likes reading the phone book. Little Billy is hooked on Thorazine. -> He discovers a code in the book. He breaks the code and it turns -> out to be GPS coordinates. Yeah, the ancient Atlanteans used those for everything. Also, they invented TiVo. -> The smart boy has a GPS unit he got for his last birthday. He tells -> his four friends that he's lucky to even have four friends. -> about the secret code he found and they go searching for the -> coordinates. The coordinates turn out to be in the woods not -> too far away. Little Billy then discovers what mummified bears do in the woods. -> As they close in on the coordinates, they come upon an underground -> sanctuary. What they discover will change their lives... WINK!!! Little Billy becomes the bear's "forest bride"! Once you go bear, you'll never shave your chest hair! -> The Mummy Bear Adventures begin! Oh dear god, there's more. -> The Mummy Bear Adventures -> -> Keep watching here for the adventure to start. Hell is being wrapped in inescapable mummification, forced to stare at a forever-unfinished Web page until it's finished. -> While you're waiting you can get to know the characters! Click Here. No. You people are a bunch of hideous deformos. Especially the token black Mr. Potato Head kid. (According to the page about that mutant, his name is "Jael", and "He doesn't have many friends". I think he grows up to be the writer of a site about Mummy Bear. Worse, an unofficial site.) Okay, on to the second button on the page, "Comic Strip". Hey, that goes to the same thing I just looked at, of the picture of the Deformed Squad and their miniature, deformed bios. Let's go on to "Poems & Songs". -> Poems... -> -> Mummy Bear Prayer -> -> Now I lay me down to rest -> I leave this life, I've done my best. -> -> Please clean my body, head to toe -> Wrap me up and make me whole. -> -> Then as my spirit body roams -> I'll have a place to call my home. -> -> My body that I lived in here -> Will still be there, no need to fear. -> -> Forever now I'll feel so blessed -> To have a place my soul can rest. -> -> Amen. What do I think of that happy little doggerel? BETTER CALL A PLUMBER, BECAUSE THAT SHIT WON'T FLUSH! -> Me and My Mummy Bear -> -> Me and my mummy bear -> Have no worries, have no cares -> 'Cause me and my mummy bear -> Just play and play all day. -> -> He's wrapped up so pretty -> And I can unwind -> His neat little ribbons, -> And then I find - -> -> His tummy comes open -> And what do I see? -> Special little organs that -> Belong to you and me. -> -> I wash them all off -> So he can be clean -> Then put them back in -> And do up his seam. -> -> Then just like a mummy, -> I wrap him up tight -> Then I cuddle him close -> And hold him all night. From "The Marquis De Sade's Big Book Of Fun For Boys And Girls And Vivisection." -> The Child's Questioning -> -> Child: 'What happens to the caterpillar, as he sleeps in his cocoon? -> Does he go away? Does he disappear? Does he hide inside his room? That one's rather long, so I won't quote the rest of it. The other reason I won't quote the rest of it is that it's a lot worse than the previous two gems. -> ...and Songs -> -> After you click each link, be patient and the song will start playing. NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HARE KRISHNA BRAINWASHING CHANTS, RAPPING MUMMY BEAR! I HOPE SNUGGLES BUSTS A CAP IN YOUR ASS! -> Center Flow -> -> Mummy Bear discovered the best place to be in the stream of life -> is in the center where the flow is gentle. Here is one of his -> favorite songs. It's called "Center Flow." It's about menstruation, except he doesn't call it that, he calls it "personstruation" when he sings it at Lilith Fair. -> Devi's Doubt -> -> One of Mummy Bear's favorite stories is about Shiva and Devi -> who are best friends. Shiva has learned many things and he tries -> to share with Devi the things he knows. But Devi has alot of -> questions, so she sits with Shiva and listens to him. This is a -> song about Devi. This is the sound of me clicking my browser's "Back" button. The next link is "Games". What fun and exciting educational games about propaganda about why we should keep dead pets on our mantels will we discover within this site's boundless cornucopia of wonderful wonderment? -> Mummy Bear Games -> -> Bandoogle -> From the dimension of Bandoogly, Winky the Game Master dares you -> to play Bandoogle. WINK!Y!!! Okay, I am now officially tired of typing "WINK!!!" every time Mummy Bear says something totally gay. -> Coloring Book -> Come and color Mummy Bear and other Mummy Images Noted without comment: One of the images is a dead dog captioned "Butch". POOR SPOT!!! -> Create Your Mummy Bear -> Create and dress up your Mummy Bear using the Mummy Bear Maker. Hey wow! Can we finish drawing the Web site's comic book adventure for you too? -> Mummy Butterflies -> Can you catch the butterflies? No, because I'm too smart. I can't make my hand click on that link. Oh, hell, I'll just use my toe to try it. Loading the Mummy Butterflies game... -> Mummy Butterflies... -> Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. -> Click on the Butterflies. What butterflies? Why did I get an alert box asking me to pick a number from 1 to 10? Why am I staring at an empty window? Even if there were any butterflies to click on, what would be the point? WORST GAME ABOUT NON-EROTIC MUMMIFICATION FOR CHILDREN AND TEDDY BEARS EVER!!! Oh, no, there are more items on the site's menu. -> Mummy Jokes -> -> Welcome to Mummy Bear's page of Mummy Jokes. -> -> Click on a joke to tickle your funny bone! I was about to scream "PLEASE KILL ME!" but I don't want these dorks to wrap my corpse in a Seal-A-Meal bag or whatever my life's savings would be wasted on. -> Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: To the dead sea! It's nice that there's a "Give Up?" button I can click to see the funny, funny punchline. Too bad there's no "Throw Up!" button for afterwards. -> Q: Why was the mummy so tense? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: He was all wound up. No, he was too tense because he was made from canvas from a teepee and a wigwam. BURRRRRRN! -> Q: Why couldn't the mummy come outside? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was all wrapped up! Hey, cool! I bet that's the best riddle about the word "wrap" ever! I'm glad they chose to use that one instead of something lame like "What's a mummy's favorite musical genre? Wrap!" -> Q: What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Wrap!! HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. -> Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are afraid they will relax and unwind. SWEET MUMMY JESUS, I JUST READ AHEAD, THERE ARE THIRTY MORE "JOKES"! ABORT! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL! -> Q: What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Any old girl he can dig up! AUGH! STOP! -> Q: Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 1000 years? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he thought he was old enough to leave home! NEXT TIME I GO TO A WEB SITE LIKE THIS, I'M GOING TO READ THE "TERMS & CONDITIONS" PAGE TO MAKE SURE IT HAS A SAFEWORD!!! -> Q: Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because their daddies were mummies! Both of them? -> Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are good at keeping things under wraps. WAAH!!! PLEASE MAKE THE JOKES STOP!!! ALSO THESE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING JOKES THEY'RE FUCKING RIDDLES YOU FUCKING FUCKETY-FUCKS! I HOPE YOU DIE AND GET WRAPPED IN BACON AND THEN THROWN INTO A HOT PAN UNTIL YOU'RE MUMMI-FRIED! -> Q: How do mummies hide? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They wear masking tape. EVEN A TODDLER KNOWS THAT MASKS DON'T MAKE YOU "HIDE", YOU FUCKETY-DINKS! -> Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was coffin. MUMMIES DON'T HAVE COFFINS, ONLY DRACULAS DO, YOU FUCKETY-FUCKLEDUCKS! -> Q: What is a mummy's favorite music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Ragtime. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CONTRADICTORY JOKES THAT AREN'T EVEN JOKES!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! ERROR! ANALYZE... ANALYZE... ANAL... *** INSERT EXPLODING HEAD HERE *** Okay, my head exploded after "joke" #12. So I will skip #13 to #36. Well, okay, I'll show you #36 just to prove that I'm not lying when I say that they actually put the best twelve first: -> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? -> -> Father : No. Why do you ask that? -> -> Son : Well, then where did you get mummy? THAT'S NOT A JOKE, IT'S A SKETCH, YOU FUCKETY-FUBBLEGOOBLERS! ALSO IT'S A SKETCH WITH NO FUCKING JOKE IN IT!!! Whew. That's the end of the "Jokes" section. And now, the final section: -> Parents and Teachers -> -> Summum makes a Mummy Bear teddy bear available for kids to enjoy -> and learn from. The lovable Mummy Bear comes in two versions: -> the Original Mummy Bear and the Anatomical Mummy Bear. WINK--oh, forget it. Just fucking forget it. I hate you. -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. If you are interested in obtaining -> a Mummy Bear teddy bear for your children, please visit: -> -> http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear -> -> If you have any questions, you may contact us at: -> -> mummification@summum.org Oh, how quaint. A Web page by someone who hasn't learned that they can make LINKS to other Web pages instead of just printing the address you have to type in yourself. (Nothing on that page is clickable, including the "link" to the ordering page.) But I am clever and brainy and I will manually enter "http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear" into my Web browser to find out just how wonderful it isn't. -> The Original Summum Mummified Bear - $30.00 -> -> Open the un-bear-lievably soft cape, That would be so funny if I were Lori Lee Landi without all the smarts. -> unwrap the Mummy Wrappings and you will discover the one and only, -> Original Summum Mummy Bear(tm)! -> -> Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, super-soft shaggy -> fur mummified bear like no other. He's a fucking plain old two-dollar teddy bear wrapped in cheap toilet paper. -> Wrap your mummified bear from head to toe in 3" wide, 2' to 6' -> long, attached, flannel Mummy Wrappings pawfect for snuggling! Excuse me, cheap FLANNEL toilet paper. -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. Suitable for -> ages 3 years to 101. What a sweet way to remind grandpa he's about to die! -> The Anatomical Summum Mummified Bear - $75.00 -> -> Open Mummy Bear's tummy and you will see Mummy Bear's insides. -> And you can take them out! Kids just love it!! Doesn't sound as much fun as taking the kids to watch the Easter Bunny get whipped and crucified. -> Anatomical Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, -> super-soft shaggy fur mummified bear like no other. Wait, I thought the _other_ one was _also_ "like no other". -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> anatomical mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. -> Suitable for ages 3 years to 101. -> -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. Due to high demand, please allow -> 8 to 10 weeks for delivery. *cough* *cough* I think what they meant to say is, "Anyone who would DEMAND one of these bears would have to be really HIGH." -> Shipping & Handling is determined based on the amount of your order. -> -> -> AMOUNT OF ORDER S & H* -> --------------- ------ -> -> $ up to 19.99 $ 8.50 -> 20.00 - 39.99 10.50 -> 40.00 - 59.99 12.50 -> 60.00 - 79.99 14.50 -> 80.00 - 99.99 16.50 -> 100.00 - 119.99 18.50 -> 120.00 - 139.99 20.50 -> 140.00 - 159.99 22.50 -> 160.00 - 179.99 24.50 -> 180.00 - 199.99 26.50 -> 200.00+ email Um... hey, idiots, your bears are $30 and $75. Will you really charge me $8.50 shipping if I order half a stupid bear? Hey, cool, the order form allowed me to type in my own total price for the 99999999 bears I just ordered. So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? I looked at the stupid non-erotic mummification for kids and bears site. You should be receiving 99999999 in the mail soon. I wonder how many million weeks it will take to make them... -- K. I hereby swear that if my stuffed bear ever dies, I won't have him mummified. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:01:12 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly." > > > > Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop > > teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. > > You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. > > Yaaaay! I enjoy suffering for your happiness. However, your happiness makes me sad. But sometimes it's good to be sad so I'm happy you're happy but that probably makes you jealous now that I'm just as happy as you and I'm even happier that you're jealous and that makes me too happy which makes me sad so I hope you're happy that now I'm suffering in some manner so complex that it won't even fit in a run-on sentence. > > [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] > > -> > > -> Springies: On Off Change > > > > Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. > > I'm betting it's what causes the Wondertwin Dancing Trail Of Mummified Bears > power to activate or deactivate. ... Yep. > > ...Oh my: > > Click your Favorite Springy! > Pictures > œ œ œ œ > [these dots separate the heads of a mummified cat, rabbit, bear, what looks > like a mango with hair, and Piglet] Gee, now I'm glad that I wasn't able to click on a Springy Hairy Mango. So how was Piglet mummified? Was he stuffed with a spudge and then dipped in hunny and wrapped in a wet rag that someone left where his balloon used to be? > > [...] > > > > So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? > > Well, yes and no. I am gratified for what you've done with/to that > poor poor page, and have some more mental images to file safely away > from future generations... but any society in which Kibos are tortured > just to produce that most evanescent of genres, comedy, has far to go, no? You call this a society? My definition of "society" is "any civilization which does not permit children to learn about magical mummified teddy bears from Atlantis". This isn't a society, it's a lunatic asylum made from cotton candy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat my way out. -- K. So if they caught Cookie Monster eating the asylum and mummified him, what would his authentic Egyptian mummy name be? Umm-Numm-Numm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 00:53:05 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Total score today: [...] 3 with an asterisk. > > How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were > wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us > to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf > whistle from a passing car? Well, the woman in Barnes & Noble who wished us a pleasant evening of sadomaximal pervery doesn't really count, because there's no evidence that she was commenting me on my look (she could have just thought you looked really submissive) and the wolf-whistle doesn't count, because we don't know whether it was directed at me, at you, or just one of those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side of their body. I'm scoring one point for anything like "Hey, great look, cool dude!" and a tenth of a point for "Eww! You look like Bozo, only funnier!" and five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. No points for "Do you ride a Harley?" or "What time is it?" or "May I please watch when you beat Joe Manfre with a Cinderella broom?" I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new Frankenstein boots yet but I suspect that those extra four inches are going to make people _really_ careful around me. It'll be like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something. -- K. Or maybe just Big Bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:18:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running > > off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. > > Perhaps I am cynical and jaded, but is there anyone who would really > be scared of seeing someone in leather in public? The people who live in Norman Rockwell paintings? Greeters at Wal-Mart? Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? Mary Whitehouse? Marty Angstrom? The guy from the cover of the first "New Yorker"? David Letterman back when he was on the goofballs? Lucy Ricardo? The high-school principal who freaked out over the kid's pink shoelaces? Davey and/or Goliath? > Besides my mother, of course, who is so desperately isolated that > insists she has never seen anyone with pink hair. Even though half > the female population under the age of 25 has had pink hair. I hope it's the half that eats! Wait, that didn't work at all. Let me try again. I hope it's the half that dyes! -- K. I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my pinball wizardry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 01:02:29 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > is there anyone who would really be scared of seeing someone in > > > leather in public? > > > > Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? > > The first one is funny, because everyone knows Chik-Fil-A executives > don't exist. But the Ralph Malph thing just scares me. Ralph Malph? You're scared of someone with bright orange hair? Um, then I have bad news for you... > > I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my > > pinball wizardry. > > Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other. > In fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been, > overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to > stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion. But doesn't he get brownie points for singing a version of "Rocket Man" at least twice as good as William Shatner's? > Stacia > can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue? Oh god. I am living that movie. Or trying to. Problem is, I need a Helena Bonham Carter. Is she still busy playing tennis with some puppets shaped like robots made from common household objects? -- K. I'd settle for Helena Russell, but only circa 1964. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: United States Postal Service unveils worst stamp ever Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 23:59:32 -0400 The Postal Service has announced a stamp showing the face of Buckminster Fuller, presumably to kick off a series of "Incoherent Mad Scientists Of The Mod Era". To be issued in July, the stamp shows people cowering before a geodesic building shaped like a hundred-foot-tall, gray, faceted Bucky Fuller head lording over the puny humans. I am not making this up. Crazy person, ugly stamp, thirty-seven cents. http://www.usps.com/history/anrpt03/images/fuller.jpg I'm not sure what the late Bucky F would have to say about his stamp, but it would probably be something like "Invisible time spaghetti recoils around explo-nougat, but space nougat is not recursively retro-ghetti. Always a five!" Also, he invented the icosahedron. Well, he did have a little help from Gary Gygax, but Gary wasn't a Seventh-Level Genius like Bucky. -- K. Besides, Gary didn't have a late-night show on Al Kaprielian's channel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:49:30 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (setgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > So, what's your point? > > Poke. Poke, poke. Hey Kibo, I think we gots one what's wearing pants! Okay, you take his pants, and I'll get the jumper cables. > > I could quickly identify your reader too, but I won't. > > Who cares about it? > > You posted in a public forum about your choice of a news reader. You > have no cause to act surprised when that choice sparks public response. > Who cares about it, indeed? And speaking of Seth who still hasn't absorbed the Rules Of Discipline, Captain, you'll be interested in knowing the improvements I'm proposing for the Next Generation Internet. It's like Classic Internet except there are two extra buttons on your computer. One sends 600 volts directly to whoever wrote the message you're currently reading. The other sends 600 volts directly to the CEO of whatever company published the program you currently have open. I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. All we can do is harness all that electricity so that it can be used to punish miscreants instead of just using it to make virtual hamsters dance. Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. Thank god at least that damn dancing baby's gone forever. I think he grew up and killed himself. -- K. Wow, that's dark. But don't dwell on it, just hold Seth down while I put the jumper cables on him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:44:28 -0400 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could > > send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because > > it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. > > That's what's wrong with the Internet. It _should_ be made of candy. > > I blame Al Gore. He did actually make the Internet out of candy, but President Clinton ate it. So that's why, the night before his assignment was due, Al Gore turned in a cheap shoddy Internet made from Capsela and Christmas tinsel. > > Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was > > responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't > > stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. > > That shouldn't be a button. It should just do it continuously. Could there at least be a placebo button (like the ones at crosswalks) we could press to _pretend_ we're causing the "Hamster Dance" person to writhe in agony, even though they're always writhing in agony? Please? -- K. One of my arms hurts, and I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 01:54:56 -0400 I bleached my hair and beard, and all the purple and red are gone, but traces of the orange remain, so my hair is now a sunny, shimmery goldenrod, sort of like if school buses were made of candy. With my hair this light and sunny, my medium gray eyes really stand out. This hair color is good if you want to see my eyes and not my hair. But since I have pale skin and dark clothes, I want the more colorful hair back after I spend one day the color of Five Alive. I'll leave it like this until tomorrow then try to get it the colors I want (red-orange on top, maroon beard.) That attempt will be made with a blend of Manic Panic shades Divine Wine and Infra Red for the beard, and for the hair, a blend of about 47% Tiger Lily, 47% Infra Red, and 6% Deadly Nightshade. (Approximately. I have not been measuring my concoctions on a Pantone-approved ink scale.) I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, see the Manic Panic color chart at http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on my hair it's a weak orange-brown. (That's why I've been mixing it with bright orange and a hint of purple to make reddish-oranges.) I've only really experimented with orange, red, and purple so far so I have no experience with the pink, yellow, green, or blue half of the spectrum. Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do what I'm told. -- K. Names I just made up for imaginary shades of hair dye: Teen Sex Romp Burger Joint Radium Pale Whatta Maroon Emperor Wasabi Bile! Bile! Bile! Glo-balt Pink For Straights Cattle Prod Urology Lab The Opposite Of Eggplant Axolotl Red Morning Whorey Nuclear Emission I call dibs on all these names, but if any cool hair-dye companies would like to use them, they may as long as I get a lifetime supply of all these beautiful colors. Except Pink For Straights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:13:19 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky > > it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) > > All those Insects that see in Ultraviolet scream ARRRGGGHHH. > > All those Kibologists who see in Ultraviolet GO HOME YOU MUTANTS !!!!1! Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it just now. If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you sure do look normal!" Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. -- K. Hooray for having evil clown hair! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:50:05 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just > > a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it > > just now. > > Having followed the saga of your ever-changing hair color with great > interest, I find myself considering cutting my hair very short and > changing the color the way you do (short so there won't be so much to > bleach and dye). I particularly liked the idea of shimmery goldenrod > hair. You get iridescent-looking effects when a different color starts growing in underneath, like the way most cats have a mix of long hairs of one color and short hairs of another color. It also helps if you mix two different dyes together, or put a new color on top of the old a week or two later, because that way one of the colors will fade faster than the other in the sun, so they outermost hairs will take on a different shade than the lower layers. I've been having nice results with my current mix of bright orange, dark red, and a hint of purple to make a rich red-orange. I don't like the crayon-color Bozo hair I'd get if I just used a single dye. > > If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you > > sure do look normal!" > > How would you know? They never did back when I was _completely_ normal. Today, when I was walking to the South End, I encountered not just one but two instanced of guys who tried to taunt me by singing "YMCA" as I passed. I always find it amusing that people think they're being insulting to _you_, not to themselves, when they get so proud of having almost figured out that, yeah, you're trying to communicate something really obvious with your clothes on purpose. I assume that if I had Bozo hair and a baggy blue Bozo suit and big red Bozo shoes and a honking Bozo nose, they'd point at me and say, "Ha ha! You look like A CLOWN OR SOMETHING!" Also, all those clueless dudes who don't realize there's more than one leatherman in the world think the lyrics of "YMCA" are this: "Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A..." Jeez, guys, learn a second bar. Or at least do the dance step that goes with the "Y-M-C-A" part. (It doesn't count if you just wobble in place like that new Tickle Me Elmo doll that sings "E-L-M-O" to that tune.) > > Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened > > and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to > > look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count > > that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. > > Are you keeping track of whether the reactions seem to be due to hair > color or leathers, or is it possible to differentiate? When they compliment me, it's always "I like that red!" or "Where did you get those leather pants?" (Today I got asked if I was afraid I'd be mugged for my leather pants. Um, yeah, whatever.) When people just stare in a freaked-out sort of way, I think it's the combination what does them in. I mean, a guy walking around in some leather is no big deal. (About a third of guys have leather jackets.) A guy with orange hair is no big deal. But what you've described as my "??? does not compute" look -- orange hair and complete leather outfit and nerd glasses and hat with flashing neon sign saying "dictatorial regime border guard" -- causes some people to glance at me and then be very careful not to step on my feet when they walk past. And a lot of women look at me and then flash me big smiles, as if I'm automatically flirting with everyone just because I'm stylin'. Basically, this is a better way to get stares, start conversations, make store clerks not ignore me, etc., than my previous look of the cop jacket and flashy hockey jersey. And the leather feels so good, man. So when it's not raining, I'm enjoying the "dress to impress" leather look. I'm not sure what I'll do this summer, since I refuse to go the leather-vest route (I like jackets, I have skinny arms) but until the weather gets a few degrees warmer, I'm going to continue being all leather. (Well, I'm wearing a T-shirt that's not made of leather. Leather T-shirts are expensive and probably not really practical. But I think I'm allowed to wear cloth between me and the leather for the parts of my body that get sweaty.) -- K. Basically, I'm being non-conformist in what would be a very conformist way in San Francisco, but on the East Coast you just don't see many leatherfolk. Must be something about the terrible weather. Oh, and the total suppression of human sexuality. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:41:49 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, > > see the Manic Panic color chart at > > http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm > > ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. > > For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on > > my hair it's a weak orange-brown. > > [...] you can achieve the intended color IF you bleach out all > your own hair color first. I know, I've tried. But I have very dark hair, and of course there's a little yellow-orange dye that won't bleach out. Bear in mind that some of my hair, such as the beard, is very thick and can never be bleached solid white. I can get pretty close when there's no dye residue, but it's not easy. I think the main problem is that my jar of Infra-Red is actually weak -- it must have been in the store too long and light-faded, because the stuff is a golden-brown in the jar. I bought a second jar and it's a lot redder. Anyway, I like the interesting effects I get by stirring colors together, especially as the different dyes fade at different rates in different layers of my hair, so I'll probably keep making my own reds by mixing orange and purple in with the red. > (That's how they got those colors on the swatch displays.) Those > colors are all shown on pure white hair samples. I believe those are technically called "kapok". > Of course if you do bleach your hair first, I accept no responsibility > if it falls out. Even if it did years before you posted that disclaimer? > But if it *does* fall out, you can just buy a lot of lollipops and > go around saying, "Who loves ya, baybee"? I was thinking more "Tea! Earl Grey! Hot!" or perhaps "Khaaaaaaannnnn!!!!" > > Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or > > dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go > > blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do > > what I'm told. > > They're just trying to absolve themselves of all responsibility if you do get > some in your eyes. My sister does it anyway. If she jumped off the Empire State Building into a big vat of dye, would I follow her? > Of course, she's done some pretty stupid things in her life. So again, > take my advice with a healthy dose of sedatives. I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven other ways, so why would I need to dose myself? I mean, there are so many easier ways to make yourself unconscious. Some of them don't even require a baseball bat! -- K. I want a football bat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:04:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven > > other ways, > > Next he'll be trying to tell us capsaicin is actually food, An entree, to be precise. > and carbon dioxide bubbles in the blood occur naturally. That's what happens if you have a Dr Pepper and then block a belch wrong. Don't ask what happens if you eat asafetida and then block a fart wrong. By the way, what's the _right_ way to block a fart? One of those little pillows stuffed with pine needles and a cross-stitch picture of a lighthouse? -- K. "asafetida" in Latin is "ferula", which is also a word for "whip", because the Romans tortured people with asafetida _without_ feeding it to them. Believe it... or not! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION LURKERS! Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:23:51 -0400 Mouschi (weavermjnospam@hendrix.edu) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I want all of you lurkers to post something before the end of the > > week. Why? Because I wanna know how many of you there are, for one > > thing. Also, I'm tired of reading the same old bozos here. > > > > Mostly, though, I want to see if I can make you cry. > > > > So come on! Join the circle, hold hands with the person to each side > > of you, and post something that will start to reveal the hot-buttons > > we can push to make you cry leik schoolgirl. > > Ha! Nice try, but Kibo already compared me to Woody Allen, inciting my (I > thought, anyway) well-hidden anti-semitism! And that was YEARS ago! A while ago, I considered converting to Judaism, especially because I like my local kosher supermarket. But I decided to go gay instead. With a big side order of kinky fries. > Good luck trying to find anything else in the hot-button department! I bet I could make you cry without even talking to you. Close your eyes and hold VERY still. -- K. The next scream you hear will be in the key of "EEEEEEEEE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New lanyard Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 05:13:33 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a new lanyard yesterday for my work ID card. The old lanyard was a > piece of blue cord; nothing special. But this new lanyard ... oh, it is > something to behold. It is thick, glossy, sleek; it is black and has the > red "Agfa" company logo stamped all over it. Oh, it is a fine lanyard. > > I am really deriving a great deal of pleasure out of this. I am really, really, REALLY about to go all Robin Williams on you if you don't stop enjoying having a lanyard that says "Agfa Agfa Agfa", unless you change it to "Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa". Fucking Agfa. I really derived a great deal of pleasure out of that documentary, "One Hour Photo". Too bad it didn't come out in 1997 so I could have yelled "Fucking Agfa!" at my local fucking Agfa guy when I still had that job. And I still can't eat Pringles Salt & Vinegar potato chips. Eeeeeeeyuk. > [...] > > I am also fully aware my life is a tragic farce. No, that was "Death To Smoochy". Uh-oh, does this mean that your job also requires you to wear a big purple foam-rubber suit while you prance around telling kids to use Agfa products? -- K. "Agfa" is an acronym for "Asomething Gsomething Fucking Agfa!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:06:19 -0400 Concerning a distressing Easter celebration... Professor Zamumba (dogwander@frostwarning.com) wrote: > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen it already. "if" I haven't seen it? Do you mean "seen it" as in "actually witnessed it in person", or "seen it" as in "vividly imagined it every night for the last 36 years"? 'Cause I could claim either and some people would believe me, mainly because they have no reason believe I _haven't_ been up to shenanigans with the Easter Bunny. But I did actually see the article on the newswire yesterday. I just didn't comment on it because I didn't think anyone else would be interested in an article about the Easter Bunny being flagellated. Also, the Easter Bunny is secretly married to Elmer Fudd. > -> GLASSPORT, Pa. (AP) - First, the Passion of the Christ. Now, the > -> torment of the Easter Bunny? > -> > -> It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson's movie, but many > -> parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about > -> Jesus' crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping > -> the Easter bunny and breaking eggs. "I WOULD LIKE TO SMASH THEM!" Sorry. I just have that reaction to eggiwegs. > -> People who attended Saturday's show at Glassport's memorial stadium > -> quoted performers as saying, ``There is no Easter bunny,'' and > -> described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified. Followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were copyrighted by Paas, and then followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were Stretch Armstrong, and then a demonstration of how he would have been disassembled and returned to his protective storage container if he were made of Legos. Nothing weird about that. It's only weird if you confuse depictions of subjunctive torture with depictions of actual torture! > -> Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the > -> program was inappropriate for young children. Ah, so she _admits_ it was appropriate for her. > -> ``He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,'' > -> Salzmann said. I want to know why four-year-old J.T. knows the word "whipped". Has his mommy been showing him flashcards to teach him the difference between "whip", "flogger", "cat", "strap", "tawse", "paddle", "switch", "cane", "blusher", and "spanking machine"? Or did little J.T. learn about whips in an earlier installment of Sunday School when he showed up five minutes late? Wait, is he the J.T. from J.T. Toys? If so, now I understand why he keeps giving me Tootsie Pops. > -> Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, > -> said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton > -> portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone > -> of irreverence. Not irreverence, but blasphemy! The Easter Bunny is the holiest symbol in the entire Cadbury-Paas-Nestle pantheon! This is as blashphemous as suggesting that Carvel's "Easter Bunny" cake is the same as "Cookie Puss" covered with a different color of Stucco! THE BIBLE DOES NOT SAY THAT COOKIE PUSS IS THE EASTER BUNNY WITH NEW SPACKLE, THEREFORE IT CANNOT BE TRUE! ALL PRAISE BE TO TOM CARVEL! (A gravelly, mucus-filled voice wheezes out "Amen.") > -> ``The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to > -> convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about > -> Jesus Christ,'' Bickerton said. I thought it was about free candy. Just like other Christian holidays, such as Halloween and Valentine's Day. > -> Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed > -> a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, Okay, this is the sort of phrase no good reporter would ever use. Mentioning "a self-mutilating woman" without giving us the "who", "what", "where", "when", "why", "how", and "photos" is poor journalistic practice. Anyone who's ever passed an English composition class will know: When describing something that horrified prudes, _show_, don't _tell_. > -> said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in > -> Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh. > -> > -> ``It was very disturbing,'' Norelli-Burke said. ``I could not > -> believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting.'' Then, she accidentally walked into a theater showing "Fight Club" and her brain exploded. Because of these incidents, that community near Pittsburgh passed a law saying that satire should not be in-your-face and obvious, but should instead only do very gentle, subtle psychic damage to fragile people. Satire should not be the blatant sort that makes people say "Eww! Satire! I noticed it!" because that just makes them complain about the propaganda while they feel all smug for noticing it. Satire should puzzle people who would otherwise go to reporters about stuff their kids saw involving cartoon rabbits, without them realizing where the disquieting feeling came from. John Cleese once said, "Some people are easily offended, and those people _should_ be offended." Especially if we get to watch. My feet hurt. -- K. I just added that last sentence to make this a proper inverted pyramid because I am committed to serious journalism. I bring you commentary on the most important news stories of our time, and also ones about flogbunnies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:24:33 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Professor Zamumba > > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen > > it already. > > I like the headline on this version: > > [from www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> "EASTER BUNNY FLOGGING NOT FUNNY" Paul Shaeffer wrote that headline! > And also this line: > > -> Some children cried when they witnessed the bunny bashing > > Only SOME children cried! The rest of them were well-adjusted and > ENJOYED the bunny bashing! As they should! Because bunnies are VERMIN! > And should be EX! VERM! I! NATE! ed. Is this the right time to ask whether bunnies are the only animals that wail exactly like human babies when you step on them? I need to know for this musical instrument I'm building. -- K. Explanation of one reference: There was an extended, rather tame "Saturday Night Live" sketch once where Paul Shaeffer played a medieval musician who kept using the word "floggin'" in place of "fookin'". Except that at one point he slipped up and quite clearly said "fucking", years before Charlie Rocket got the show taken off the air by saying "fuck". Paul Shaeffer will go down in television history as one of the first people to get away with saying the F-word on TV. Bless him! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:08:34 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > edges right now. LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs if you like spicy omelets. > I can't decide if it's a help or a hindrance when it comes to posting > in ARK. There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. The other is technically illegal. -- K. Damn Constitution, "cruel and unusual" yadda yadda yadda. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:18:16 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks [...] a little strained around > > > the edges right now. > > > > LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! > > > > Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming > > into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. > > Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them > > rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs > > if you like spicy omelets. > > I don't think that death will be much of a growth experience for anyone. > Except those of us watching. But come over. With eggs. Death? Who said anything about death? Oh, sure, maybe you should make some of your victims _beg_ for death, but you shouldn't be so kind as to give it to them. Also, for some reason, I just got a craving for eggs, so tonight I went to the supermarket and bought a carton of instant liquid egg whites (the kind with the yellow dye) and made an omelet the lazy way -- I poured the stuff into a pie tin (lined with foil) and baked until it puffed up like that instant pudding that chased Woody Allen around while he was dressed like a robot, and it popped when I poked it with a fork, then I poured hot sauce over it and ate about four eggs' worth before I was officially sick of eggs for the next week. > > There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do > > find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k > > is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. > > Yeah, but society likes it when you go all fucko bazoo on ARK. I don't > quite know anyone well enough to terrify them into submission. It doesn't usually work that way. Unless you're talking about marrying them. -- K. (in extreme close-up, Kibo tilts his head 93 degrees to the left) You've never seen me go fucko bazoo. (pops a stick of gum in his mouth) RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!! Uh-oh, I swallowed it while I was overacting... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 00:01:22 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. > > > > I take it that the Easter bunny hasn't visited yet. > > If he does, he'll get the flogging of a lifetime. Now I know why I bought that bunny suit from Archie McPhee! Hooray! I'll be over at midnight! You have a Tyvek fetish, right? Can we play "microprocessor manufacturing facility owned by a dominatrix"? I mean, _somebody_ needs to invent that game for the good of nerds everywhere! > It wasn't *that* long ago that I was a churchy type, and you may > have read about what we do to Easter Bunnies. You're just supposed to bite their feet off so they won't hop away. Mr. Rogers once told me that he believed that when he was young and stupid. I think the subtext is that when he got older he realized that the proper thing to do was to bite their heads off first so they wouldn't watch you eat them. I don't know how Captain Kangaroo felt about eating rabbits. Or moose. Or Slim Goodbody's rump-roast-on-the-outside. Cookie Monster, on the other hand, would have no problem eating any sort of rabbit, even one made of fuzzy foam rubber. Yay for Cookie for having no inhibitions whatsoever, especially about eating inedible things. -- K. Can we play "Gimme cookie!" too? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:11:11 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > > edges right now. > > Why repress a bad mood? Why avoid a bad mood? Exult in it and flame > everyone to crispy bacon and put mayonnaise on the bacon to get Kibo > in a bad mood too. uh, Mark, (a) I would never object to a shmear of mayo on my bacon. and (b) I *AM* IN A BAD MOOD! Now gimme my bacon or I'll put the shmear on you. -- K. That's a lyric from the hit song, "Butter-Knife Love". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 02:55:26 -0400 Burger King's really strange new Web site: http://www.subservientchicken.com I wonder how much they pay that guy. I did the obvious -- I told him to kneel, I told him to dance, I told him to play dead, I asked him to take his mask off (he shrugged), and so on. I assume it's a live underpaid guy and not some sort of artifical intelligence. It's obviously real video of some sort, and that Flash interface can't have a whole lot of canned video embedded in it. I suspect there may be some trickery going on where the "home" position is a loop. In other words, you only see live video of Mr. Chickenpants and his odd red leg garters when he's actually performing in regard to something you ordered him to do, and for the "idle" time you get canned video of him standing in the middle of the room. (There's a bit of a discontinuity whenever he returns to "home" position.) Actually, maybe I'm wrong to assume the actor's underpaid. He (or she) might be doing this as a labor of love. I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS! I guess the big question is whether he's ever performing live, or whether someone or something is playing canned clips when you order him to do something. If he's not a live person, they have a pretty comprehensive clip library. They seem to have multiple versions of some of the clips to keep it from getting repetitive. I ordered the chickenslave to "Pick up a sofa cushion" and he threw two cushions and a pillow at the camera, then spent some time straightening up. That wasn't quite what I commanded. So I told the Mr. Chickenpants, "Pick up a cushion but don't toss it" and got the same video. So these are recordings. Either they have a reasonably good Zork-like parser that can select which clip to play, or a human being somewhere is picking which clip to show when I type in something esoteric. Next experiment: I typed "Turn on the TV." and he turned around twice. I typed "Switch on your TV." and he didn't do anything. Difficult things, such as "Would you kill Ronald McDonald?" all get the same generic videos of him scratching his head or rocking back and forth. "Fllap your winngs" gets that too. So I will wager it's entirely automated (as we could have guessed given that doing this with a live human performer, or even a human operator, would be a little too cool for Burger King.) I wonder if there's an Easter Egg? Still, playing with Mr. Chickenpants just got a lot less fun now that I've determined that he's not performing live (it was an unlikely possibility, but it could have been done that way, and that would have been a lot cooler.) Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human chickenslave through the Internet. I gotta get me a Webcam. -- K. What would you have me do? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:08:18 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human > > chickenslave through the Internet. > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. In a different thread, Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I wish Kibo would stop playing with his hair before it all falls out. > > You wish Kibo would stop bothering me with all of his hair and/or > lifestyle choices. No, that's my wish. See, Tom is one of these people who sits down with a pad of paper once every three months and makes those tough "lifestyle choices" such as, "I've been straight for the last zillion quarters. Should I stay straight, or is it time for a change just to break up the monotony?" Then he licks the pencil a while and makes his decision to not get recruited. Getting him to do manual labor, such as painting a wall blue, would probably be even more difficult than recruiting him, which is still the #1 item on the International Gay Conspiracy's Official Agenda: #1. Recruit Tom Kraemer during one of those vulnerable moments when he's licking the pencil before making his "lifestyle choice". #2. Teach all kids in elementary schools that they should help recruit Tom Kraemer. #3. In all schoolbooks, change the word "evolution" to "coming out". #4. Have the "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" guys tear down the entire country and rebuild it in a nice shade of fuchsia. #5. Make everyone listen to gay music, like Mozart. #6. Trick straights into buying from the International Male catalog, because everyone needs a backless jockstrap. #7. Put arugula in all salads. #8. Put "Star Trek" back on the air, but this time have Kirk and Spock kiss in every episode, not just that one from the third season. #9. Have every supermarket install an extra express checkout lane labelled "12 Items Or Less, Shirtless Men Only." And a 10% discount for each of the hankies in your back pocket. #10. Further obfuscate the names of gay bars to trick more straights into wandering in and staying forever. Because #4 mandates fuchsia, we'll know the recruitment efforts have finally managed to destroy Tom's heterosexuality when the International Gay Conspiracy's Pay-Per-View Hidden Webcam shows Tom refusing to paint his breakfast nook's wall blue. Of course, it is certainly possible to enslave straight guys on wacky Web cameras -- some straight guys just like enslaving other straight guys, nothing wrong with that, it just makes it kinkier -- but putting Tom on a webcam isn't on that list of the ten action items I was issued at the last meeting (in the employee cafeteria at International Male) so we'll have to get through with #1 through #10 before we even think of enslaving him. -- K. This is why I don't drink. I might accidentally make the "lifestyle choice" to go back to being straight. And then I'd have to start wearing cotton and stuff when I became a clothman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:09:30 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > > > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" > > > > I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. > > Besides, I'm painting that wall of MY OWN FREE WILL. The walls are in your mind, man. If you had free will, you could walk through the walls. That's how Casper does it, and he doesn't need any clothes because he's freed his mind, man. And that's why he doesn't have any genitals either. Casper's so free that he doesn't care that he's a dead eunuch. Of course, he's still going to get reincarnated as something like a taxi driver's hemorrhoid doughnut as his punishment for appearing in a million comic books that were even less funny than "Little Archie". -- K. Other comic books less funny than any Archie product: "Little Dot" "Baby Huey" Jack Kirby's "2001" There are probably others, but I don't know about them, because they suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 03:54:44 -0400 I recently wrote: > > Burger King's really strange new Web site: > > http://www.subservientchicken.com For complete details on how the program's language parser has been reverse-engineered, see: http://www.boingboing.net/2004/04/08/subservient_chickens.html The list of keywords that the thing responds to is, um, heavy on the doodie words. There are about three hundred different clips it can play. I wonder how long it took them to come up with this list of almost everything people would want to order a person dressed as a chicken to do over the Internet. For instance, here are the trigger words for all the scenes involving the sofa cushions: -> 227. throw, pickup, pick up, pillows, pillow, cushion, cushions, -> rage, mad ,destroy, wreck, tantrum, temper, angry -> 276. look under, under, underneath, cushion, cushions, couch, -> spare change, lost, down there, no there -> 283. build, fort, house, cushions, pillow, lizstless, pillows, -> hide, bomb shelter -> 296. hit, head, pillow, pillows, cushion, cushions, punish, -> flagellate, masochist -> -> 297. hit, chair, armchair, pillow, pillows, cushions, trash, -> temper, tantrum, wreck, destroy -> -> 298. make out, makeout, make-out, pillow, pillows, cushion, cusions, -> kiss, hug, love, caress, hold, kiss me, love me, hold me -> -> 299. put, place, cushion, cushions, shelf, shelves -> 310. sandwich, chickensandwich, pillows, cushions, cushion, -> pun, floor, pile, tetris, chicken sandwich, chicken sandwich I swear I really did search the list to see if the chicken knew the word "Kibo". He knows "Village People", "Bill and Ted", (Johnny) "Depp", (Pat) "Morita", "Alan Turing", and (hockey player Jaromir) "Jagr". He also responds to "Crispin", which is presumably a reference to Burger King's ad agency (the suspiciously named "Crispin Porter + Bogusky".) Typing "Crispin" will get one of two clips of three ad wizards appearing behind the couch. (Of course, in many clips someone can also be barely glimpsed in the background to the right, since they didn't hide very well.) You can tell this is a Burger King production and not a KFC one because there is no mention of "Animal 57". I wonder if there was a board meeting at Burger King's ad agency to discuss the issue of whether or not the kinky chicken should wear that bright red garter belt: "This just doesn't seem _Internet_ enough." "I know! Let's put him in lingerie!" "You're a genius! An _Internet_ genius!" -- K. (Hire me!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick Subject: Re: Proposal: Waterloo Teeth Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:22:06 -0400 Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet_com.duh) wrote: > > Several friends of mine keep Kosher; some the year around and others > during this holy week. Can you give me a reason, can you, that they > should not have two sets of teeth, one for meat and one for dairy? I > thought not. The omnivorous bite can be done-away! Molars for mashing, > with only a few incisors for cutting stubborn vegetables for the latter; > for the former, a tongue-intimidating row or two of canines and other > sharpened teeth. You don't even have to be Kosher to recognize the > need-- anyone on Atkins? Dear Kurty, It is not a goody thingy to have the bodys of animals between your teethy . Do not kiss a girly who has the bodys of animals between her teethy . -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: BRAZIL! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:37:17 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > I hope I have the right futuristic dystopia here. Although, I suppose > this could be "1984" rather than "Brazil": Wait, "Brazil" wasn't futuristic. It was only retro-futuristic. Also, it wasn't wholly a dystopia. Michael Palin's character seemed to be enjoying himself. > "The Guardian" [www.smh.com.au] wrote: > -> > -> When thousands of British National Health Service hospital patients > -> were offered television sets beside their beds as part of a deal > -> with a private company, it was billed as a triumph for the > -> Government's drive towards "patient power". > -> > -> The only problem, as the Department of Health has acknowledged, was > -> that patients could not turn the sets off. The TVs do not have an > -> off switch, and cast their flickering light for up to 16 hours a day. > > See, that's because TeeVee is GOOD for you! Any reputable doctor will > tell you that you need to watch 16 hours per day of television if you > want to get healed. And it's British television, no less! Four channels to choose from! On BBC1, programs about cheese! On BBC2, nothing but Teletubbies! BBC3, unfunny knockoffs of "Fawlty Towers"! BBC4, some show where a guy in a suit just keeps cancelling "Doctor Who" over and over! I know the channels don't actually call themselves "BBC4" etc., in order to disguise that all the channels are controlled by the same person (Maggie Thatcher, and on weekends, Mary Whitehouse) but you know what I mean. Over here in the States, we have 379 channels, and nothing good is on, so in England they only get 4/379ths as much entertainment. It's sad, really. They have no TV programming, and yet they're forced to watch TV. > -> The Health Service Journal identified the problem with the TVs. It > -> reported that the sets turn on automatically at 6am or 7am and > -> close at 10pm. Patients pay GBP3.20 ($AU7.70) a day for the full > -> range of programs. But those not wanting to subscribe do not > -> escape. They get trailers for the service and messages from the > -> hospital authorities instead. > > Beautiful. Simply beautiful. If you don't want to pay for 16 hours a > day of television while you lie there sick, we'll give you 16 hours a > day of ADVERTISING about what you're missing. Presumably the messages > from hospital authorites will include lots of "HEY! YOU! GET BETTER > QUICKLY!". Well, it would certainly encourage them to get out of bed, and probably out the window too. And then the license fee will be extracted from their survivors. > -> A Patientline spokesman said the failure to provide an off button > -> was "an accident" > > UH! HUH! I mean, nobody expects to be able to TURN OFF electrical > appliances, do they? Off buttons are a LUXURY! SHUT UP AND WATCH YOUR > TEEVEE! And don't you even THINK about hitting "n" to get to the next > UNSENET article until you've finished THIS one! Also, give me ONE! > MILLION! POINTS! in your scorefile RIGHT NOW! Or else... LAWSUIT! Sorry, I'm going to get your lawsuit thrown out of court because it's not going to have an "on" button drawn on it. > -> [...] > -> He said sets were mounted on an arm similar to those on some > -> desktop lamps. Patients who could not stand watching the programs > -> any longer could use the contraption to point the screen at the wall. > > Or patients who were not totally immobile would notice that their > "eyes" are mounted in a device called a "head" which is similar to the > "head" on a "chimpanzee"! If they couldn't stand watching the TeeVee > any longer, they could use the "head" contraption and the "neck" > contraption to turn their eyes away from the TeeVee! Unless, of course, they're in traction. And the sadistic nurse has swung the Tensor arm so that the little TV is pressed up against the guy's eyeballs. And then it's duct-taped to his face forever, unless he manages to get out of the full-body cast by himself someday. > -> If the flickering light still disturbed them, he said, they could > -> summon a company representative to disable the system, but that > -> meant it could not be turned back on again. > > If the flickering still disturbed them, they could order a spork from > the hospital kitchen to gouge out their eyes. I can think of several other ways to "disable the system". Next time the lunch tray includes chocolate pudding, it's going right over the screen, unless they were stupid enough to make the screen out of something breakable like glass, in which case I'm going to summon a neurologist to hammer on my patella and then I'll swipe his hammer and hurl it at the TV screen. And then twenty years later Apple will pretend I was wearing an iPod back when I was in the hospital. Also, there will be a wacky wheelchair race like on "The Benny Hill Show". Have I ever mentioned that I like Benny Hill? Good thing he was a Thames production and not a BBC one! -- K. I like making jokes about things I don't understand, such as the corporate governance of Benny Hill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: not an arbutus Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:17:21 -0400 Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' slender, smoothbore frame; > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' a 30 meter range. > > An iron hook, my dearest wench > Wi' hold ye close to during fights > Through all the battles against the French > We'll murther many knights. > > Though iron foundries gang dry, my dear > And bullets break in shards > My arquebus is mine, my dear > Wi' the yeomen of the guard. > > And fare thee well, my dear matchlock > At thirty meters per second; > For thy recoil's too much of a shock > And new improved muskets beckon. Wasn't that written by Tarbolde on a Canopus planet back in 1997? It's a great poem, but don't go outside to repair the AE35 antenna unit with those funny contact lenses in. 'Cause, if you slip and fall off the spaceship when the pod klonks you, fat chance of the guy from "The Starlost" being able to save you even if he can make it down the Bounce Tube in time. So could you rewrite that lovely poem for me so it's about arbalests? I like them. You could also throw in a ballista or two. Oh, and some Greek Fire. It's pretty. -- K. Arrr! Fire be pretty! But don't ye be kissin' it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tor-Cha! (was: About Me) Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:15:23 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I had a dream last night about a new brand of hot dog, called > "Tor-Cha". The dogs were supposed to be heart-healthy and the package > had a picture of a big steaming red hot firm hot dog nestled in a > heart-shaped bun. The hyphen in the brand name "Tor-Cha" was > heart-shaped as well. Obviously you've been watching old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episodes without absorbing the most important lesson of (Really Old) "Teenagers From Outer Space": That "Tor-Cha" hot dogs would be made from giant offscreen space lobsters. I should add that "torture" is one of the eight words I can't pronounce. I use the word "tor-cha" a lot in conversation. After all, I am a Space Viking dressed like a 1950s biker stereotype, which is not all that different from a Teenager From Outer Space. I also have trouble with "wire", "Washington", and "sphere". It's because of my funny mixture of accents coupled with having had speech therapy from someone with a Mr. High Hat puppet. -- K. If only he'd had Mr. Slave too. Why can't real life be more like two-dimensional cut-paper cartoons?