From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 00:46:47 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > Wonderful. I never realised before that Satan used a Hello Kitty > > > bubble-pipe. > > > > It wasn't a Hello Kitty bubble pipe. It was a reasonably realistic- > > looking plastic pipe (maroon with beige trim) with a representational > > image of a domestic cat's face on the front in bas-relief. Hello Kitty > > hadn't been invented back when I had this pipe. > > I bet kibo stole it from Flaming Carrot, which is why he got captured by > aliens. This was circa 1971, so I don't think Bob Burden had invented Flaming Carrot yet -- he was still just doing stuff like nailing himself to the hoods of Volkswagens. But then he drove a thousand thumbtacks into his skin on a dare, and suffered permanent brain damage, and started drawing comic books. > I'd also like to mention that I'm genetically incapable of pronouncing > kibo's name right, but Tyler did it immediately When Tyler caught you mispronouncing my name, did he burn the back of your hand with lye? That's how he taught me. -- K. I loved the taste of bubble soap, but only in that pipe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:16:51 -0400 HPMgourmet (HPMgourmet@wheresthespam.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a > > sign saying: > > > > KRISPY KREME > > > > OPENING IN 12 DAYS > > > > > > Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can > > do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones > > Perhaps you could show up with a box of DogNuts cleverly obtained at > another KrispyCreme store and kept warm byt storing them beside the engine > of your car. Then drop by munching a dognut and say "O, they are giving > them away 'round the back" That's a good one, especially because it would be a _long_ walk to the back of the Prudential Center plaza. (It's a 60-story skyscraper and several 25-story-ish apartment towers on top of a shopping mall and a maze of twisty little underground passages, all smelly.) So today I went to my other local supermarket, the smaller, closer, pricier one in the oddly-shaped building with the escalator that always gets me compliments on my leathers. Total score today: one person on that escalator complimented me on my leathers (twice!) and asked where I got the pants, one person on the street in Central Square complimented me on my leathers in passing, one person in the drugstore complimented me on my orange hair and said her cousin had the same color (I didn't ask if she also had a purple beard), and one crazy wino in Central Square yelled something inarticulate about my orange hair. (There's this one bench that always has three surly drunks on it, right in the middle of the half-block between the fetishwear store and the art-supply store.) So my total score for today: 3 with an asterisk. At the art-supply store I cleaned out their supply of little screw-top plastic bottles so I can keep some hot sauce on me for emergencies. Unfortunately, "their supply" was just two bottles, and only in the tiny half-ounce size. They're small enough that I couldn't get any of the thick yellow sauce into them, so I just filled them both with red sauce, so I'll probably have to refill them after each use. I could just push my way past the line to be the first person into Krispy Kreme and squirt hot sauce all over the doughnuts. But probably two or three percent of the people in line would like that, and they'd follow me home, but I don't want any new pets that I'd have to keep feeding sticky doughnuts. -- K. I like pets that I don't have to feed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:05:08 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > I've received catalogs about freeze drying your beloved, deceased > > dog before. > > When you buy a lot of dog stuff you get put on every canine > > catalog in the world. > > Have you looked into mummification? > > http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/ > > I hadn't been to their web site in a while... I don't think I've been there in a while either, not since I put up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification". I put the links up, almost all of them rotted within six months, therefore I felt no additional urgency to update them after one, two, three, or seven years. Honestly, I'm surprised _any_ of them still work. Nobody keeps Web sites up, and in the same place, for seven years! Except me. I WIN! > I have no words to describe the incadescent beauty of the following: > > http://summum.kids.us/ > > Particularly, Mummy Bear! > > http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/ > > Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. > > Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool. > Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at > Summum do. Oh. I do need to revise my links page, at least to delete "non-erotic". I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion I've already met them. -- K. Now, let's take the wraps off 2004's exciting new DANCING BEARS OF MUMMIFICATION! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 01:47:42 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear > > and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion > > I've already met them. > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.". No, > _really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left... Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] -> -> Springies: On Off Change Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. (And that was the last moment of non-exposure to stupidity I had for the next two hours as I worked my way through the site...) -> Mummy Bear -> -> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. -> -> Do you like Mummification? I sure do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear says he likes mummification without mentioning sex, implying that he likes mummification better than boring old sex. -> I think it's cool. Actually, it usually gets pretty sweaty. Requires lots of Gatorade. -> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at Summum do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear asks, "Hey kids! Do your friends 'do' mummification?" -> I'm going to go on an journey to unlock the secrets of Modern -> Mummification. Would you like to be my friend and come with me? WINK!!! as Mummy Bear's spell-checker changes a word to "come". -> Yes? Then let's go exploring WINK!!! as Mummy Bear lubes up his Doc Johnson Anal Explorer. -> by clicking the links on the left. We'll go on an adventure, -> and together we'll learn new things and have some fun!! WINKETY-WINK-WINK!!! Now I'll "click" the "links" with my "mouse" to "learn" about Mummy Bear's personal history... -> 26486 BCE -> -> A small, fluffy, bear is born in Atlantis. His name is Ankh Amon. AND THEN HE DIED!!! -> Prince Ankh Amon. But then he changed his name to a picture of an ankh captioned "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Ankh Amon." -> 26393 BCE -> -> Bear Ankh Amon grows up to be crowned king. Gosh, life must have sucked back then, when puberty lasted for decades. -> He is a compassionate and lovable king. HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!! -> 26260 BCE -> -> King Ankh Amon grows to be very old and very wise. -> He dies and is mummified. At age 226, wouldn't he technically have become a mummy well before he died? -> Thousands attend the 77 days of his Transference. -> It is not a time of mourning, but a time of celebration. People will conveniently ignore the fact that a toy teddy bear can't technically "die" because they're not even alive, if it means they can have a 77-day holiday-slash-orgy and party until the continent sinks. -> 10500 BCE -> -> The scientists of Atlantis predict an asteriod will hit the Earth near -> Atlantis and destroy things. Oh no! Once the ass-tear-ee-odd hits Earth, things will be dee-stree-odd! -> The caretakers of Atlantis move Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform far away to -> Egypt so it will be safe. Yeah, save the dead bear and nothing else from your entire civilization. Good plan, imaginary idiots. -> 9001 BCE -> -> An asteriod hits the Earth near an uninhabited Atlantis... Wait, wait. SCENE MISSING! Did all the Atlanteans die from teddy bear cooties or something? -> ...it causes big earthquakes and Atlantis sinks to the bottom -> of the ocean. -> -> Asteroid picture is courtesy of Nasa and artist Don Davis. -> It is used only for illustration. Oh, good to know you guys are thinking about the psychological needs of your visitors who might be too stupid to understand that illustrations are illustrations and not actual doomsday rocks shooting out of their computer screens to kill them. -> 2560 BCE -> -> Ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops). -> -> Mummification has been practiced in Egypt for more than a thousand years. "They practiced it for a thousand years, but WE got it right! Our space-age freezers can preserve any dead teddy bear!" -> 1922 -> -> Howard Carter, an English archeologist, discovers and opens King -> Tutankamun's tomb. -> -> Photo courtesy and copyright of Griffith Institute, Oxford -> http://www.ashmol.ox.ac.uk/Griffith.html I heard that James Dean was wearing a full suit of Space Egyptian Armor under his clothes when he got into a knife fight there. -> Mysterious guardians of Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform are afraid -> Howard and his archeologist friends might find it also. They are -> not supposed to find it. So the guardians move Bear Ankh Amon far -> away to a new, secret location. Is it... THE INTERNET? -> 2003 -> -> A young girl named Cora is told to draw a mummy for school. -> She doesn't like the mean, scary mummies. That's why Mummy Bear is better than her, because he REALLY LIKES mummies. She's just a bigoted mummiphobe! -> She draws hers in the shape of a bear. The kids in her class -> laugh at her. They tell her there are no such things as bear mummies. This is going to lead to one weird show-and-tell session. -> But, Cora doesn't listen to them because she is listening to a -> sound in her ears. A sound that started as soon as she finished -> drawing her mummy bear. And, kids, if you've read this far, you too are now LEGALLY INSANE!!! -> 2004 -> -> A very smart young boy is reading a book called SUMMUM: Sealed -> Except to the Open Mind. Wait, that spells "SETTOM", not "SUMMUM". -> It's a philosophy book that he really likes. He also likes reading the phone book. Little Billy is hooked on Thorazine. -> He discovers a code in the book. He breaks the code and it turns -> out to be GPS coordinates. Yeah, the ancient Atlanteans used those for everything. Also, they invented TiVo. -> The smart boy has a GPS unit he got for his last birthday. He tells -> his four friends that he's lucky to even have four friends. -> about the secret code he found and they go searching for the -> coordinates. The coordinates turn out to be in the woods not -> too far away. Little Billy then discovers what mummified bears do in the woods. -> As they close in on the coordinates, they come upon an underground -> sanctuary. What they discover will change their lives... WINK!!! Little Billy becomes the bear's "forest bride"! Once you go bear, you'll never shave your chest hair! -> The Mummy Bear Adventures begin! Oh dear god, there's more. -> The Mummy Bear Adventures -> -> Keep watching here for the adventure to start. Hell is being wrapped in inescapable mummification, forced to stare at a forever-unfinished Web page until it's finished. -> While you're waiting you can get to know the characters! Click Here. No. You people are a bunch of hideous deformos. Especially the token black Mr. Potato Head kid. (According to the page about that mutant, his name is "Jael", and "He doesn't have many friends". I think he grows up to be the writer of a site about Mummy Bear. Worse, an unofficial site.) Okay, on to the second button on the page, "Comic Strip". Hey, that goes to the same thing I just looked at, of the picture of the Deformed Squad and their miniature, deformed bios. Let's go on to "Poems & Songs". -> Poems... -> -> Mummy Bear Prayer -> -> Now I lay me down to rest -> I leave this life, I've done my best. -> -> Please clean my body, head to toe -> Wrap me up and make me whole. -> -> Then as my spirit body roams -> I'll have a place to call my home. -> -> My body that I lived in here -> Will still be there, no need to fear. -> -> Forever now I'll feel so blessed -> To have a place my soul can rest. -> -> Amen. What do I think of that happy little doggerel? BETTER CALL A PLUMBER, BECAUSE THAT SHIT WON'T FLUSH! -> Me and My Mummy Bear -> -> Me and my mummy bear -> Have no worries, have no cares -> 'Cause me and my mummy bear -> Just play and play all day. -> -> He's wrapped up so pretty -> And I can unwind -> His neat little ribbons, -> And then I find - -> -> His tummy comes open -> And what do I see? -> Special little organs that -> Belong to you and me. -> -> I wash them all off -> So he can be clean -> Then put them back in -> And do up his seam. -> -> Then just like a mummy, -> I wrap him up tight -> Then I cuddle him close -> And hold him all night. From "The Marquis De Sade's Big Book Of Fun For Boys And Girls And Vivisection." -> The Child's Questioning -> -> Child: 'What happens to the caterpillar, as he sleeps in his cocoon? -> Does he go away? Does he disappear? Does he hide inside his room? That one's rather long, so I won't quote the rest of it. The other reason I won't quote the rest of it is that it's a lot worse than the previous two gems. -> ...and Songs -> -> After you click each link, be patient and the song will start playing. NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HARE KRISHNA BRAINWASHING CHANTS, RAPPING MUMMY BEAR! I HOPE SNUGGLES BUSTS A CAP IN YOUR ASS! -> Center Flow -> -> Mummy Bear discovered the best place to be in the stream of life -> is in the center where the flow is gentle. Here is one of his -> favorite songs. It's called "Center Flow." It's about menstruation, except he doesn't call it that, he calls it "personstruation" when he sings it at Lilith Fair. -> Devi's Doubt -> -> One of Mummy Bear's favorite stories is about Shiva and Devi -> who are best friends. Shiva has learned many things and he tries -> to share with Devi the things he knows. But Devi has alot of -> questions, so she sits with Shiva and listens to him. This is a -> song about Devi. This is the sound of me clicking my browser's "Back" button. The next link is "Games". What fun and exciting educational games about propaganda about why we should keep dead pets on our mantels will we discover within this site's boundless cornucopia of wonderful wonderment? -> Mummy Bear Games -> -> Bandoogle -> From the dimension of Bandoogly, Winky the Game Master dares you -> to play Bandoogle. WINK!Y!!! Okay, I am now officially tired of typing "WINK!!!" every time Mummy Bear says something totally gay. -> Coloring Book -> Come and color Mummy Bear and other Mummy Images Noted without comment: One of the images is a dead dog captioned "Butch". POOR SPOT!!! -> Create Your Mummy Bear -> Create and dress up your Mummy Bear using the Mummy Bear Maker. Hey wow! Can we finish drawing the Web site's comic book adventure for you too? -> Mummy Butterflies -> Can you catch the butterflies? No, because I'm too smart. I can't make my hand click on that link. Oh, hell, I'll just use my toe to try it. Loading the Mummy Butterflies game... -> Mummy Butterflies... -> Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. -> Click on the Butterflies. What butterflies? Why did I get an alert box asking me to pick a number from 1 to 10? Why am I staring at an empty window? Even if there were any butterflies to click on, what would be the point? WORST GAME ABOUT NON-EROTIC MUMMIFICATION FOR CHILDREN AND TEDDY BEARS EVER!!! Oh, no, there are more items on the site's menu. -> Mummy Jokes -> -> Welcome to Mummy Bear's page of Mummy Jokes. -> -> Click on a joke to tickle your funny bone! I was about to scream "PLEASE KILL ME!" but I don't want these dorks to wrap my corpse in a Seal-A-Meal bag or whatever my life's savings would be wasted on. -> Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: To the dead sea! It's nice that there's a "Give Up?" button I can click to see the funny, funny punchline. Too bad there's no "Throw Up!" button for afterwards. -> Q: Why was the mummy so tense? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: He was all wound up. No, he was too tense because he was made from canvas from a teepee and a wigwam. BURRRRRRN! -> Q: Why couldn't the mummy come outside? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was all wrapped up! Hey, cool! I bet that's the best riddle about the word "wrap" ever! I'm glad they chose to use that one instead of something lame like "What's a mummy's favorite musical genre? Wrap!" -> Q: What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Wrap!! HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. -> Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are afraid they will relax and unwind. SWEET MUMMY JESUS, I JUST READ AHEAD, THERE ARE THIRTY MORE "JOKES"! ABORT! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL! -> Q: What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Any old girl he can dig up! AUGH! STOP! -> Q: Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 1000 years? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he thought he was old enough to leave home! NEXT TIME I GO TO A WEB SITE LIKE THIS, I'M GOING TO READ THE "TERMS & CONDITIONS" PAGE TO MAKE SURE IT HAS A SAFEWORD!!! -> Q: Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because their daddies were mummies! Both of them? -> Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are good at keeping things under wraps. WAAH!!! PLEASE MAKE THE JOKES STOP!!! ALSO THESE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING JOKES THEY'RE FUCKING RIDDLES YOU FUCKING FUCKETY-FUCKS! I HOPE YOU DIE AND GET WRAPPED IN BACON AND THEN THROWN INTO A HOT PAN UNTIL YOU'RE MUMMI-FRIED! -> Q: How do mummies hide? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They wear masking tape. EVEN A TODDLER KNOWS THAT MASKS DON'T MAKE YOU "HIDE", YOU FUCKETY-DINKS! -> Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was coffin. MUMMIES DON'T HAVE COFFINS, ONLY DRACULAS DO, YOU FUCKETY-FUCKLEDUCKS! -> Q: What is a mummy's favorite music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Ragtime. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CONTRADICTORY JOKES THAT AREN'T EVEN JOKES!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! ERROR! ANALYZE... ANALYZE... ANAL... *** INSERT EXPLODING HEAD HERE *** Okay, my head exploded after "joke" #12. So I will skip #13 to #36. Well, okay, I'll show you #36 just to prove that I'm not lying when I say that they actually put the best twelve first: -> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? -> -> Father : No. Why do you ask that? -> -> Son : Well, then where did you get mummy? THAT'S NOT A JOKE, IT'S A SKETCH, YOU FUCKETY-FUBBLEGOOBLERS! ALSO IT'S A SKETCH WITH NO FUCKING JOKE IN IT!!! Whew. That's the end of the "Jokes" section. And now, the final section: -> Parents and Teachers -> -> Summum makes a Mummy Bear teddy bear available for kids to enjoy -> and learn from. The lovable Mummy Bear comes in two versions: -> the Original Mummy Bear and the Anatomical Mummy Bear. WINK--oh, forget it. Just fucking forget it. I hate you. -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. If you are interested in obtaining -> a Mummy Bear teddy bear for your children, please visit: -> -> http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear -> -> If you have any questions, you may contact us at: -> -> mummification@summum.org Oh, how quaint. A Web page by someone who hasn't learned that they can make LINKS to other Web pages instead of just printing the address you have to type in yourself. (Nothing on that page is clickable, including the "link" to the ordering page.) But I am clever and brainy and I will manually enter "http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear" into my Web browser to find out just how wonderful it isn't. -> The Original Summum Mummified Bear - $30.00 -> -> Open the un-bear-lievably soft cape, That would be so funny if I were Lori Lee Landi without all the smarts. -> unwrap the Mummy Wrappings and you will discover the one and only, -> Original Summum Mummy Bear(tm)! -> -> Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, super-soft shaggy -> fur mummified bear like no other. He's a fucking plain old two-dollar teddy bear wrapped in cheap toilet paper. -> Wrap your mummified bear from head to toe in 3" wide, 2' to 6' -> long, attached, flannel Mummy Wrappings pawfect for snuggling! Excuse me, cheap FLANNEL toilet paper. -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. Suitable for -> ages 3 years to 101. What a sweet way to remind grandpa he's about to die! -> The Anatomical Summum Mummified Bear - $75.00 -> -> Open Mummy Bear's tummy and you will see Mummy Bear's insides. -> And you can take them out! Kids just love it!! Doesn't sound as much fun as taking the kids to watch the Easter Bunny get whipped and crucified. -> Anatomical Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, -> super-soft shaggy fur mummified bear like no other. Wait, I thought the _other_ one was _also_ "like no other". -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> anatomical mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. -> Suitable for ages 3 years to 101. -> -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. Due to high demand, please allow -> 8 to 10 weeks for delivery. *cough* *cough* I think what they meant to say is, "Anyone who would DEMAND one of these bears would have to be really HIGH." -> Shipping & Handling is determined based on the amount of your order. -> -> -> AMOUNT OF ORDER S & H* -> --------------- ------ -> -> $ up to 19.99 $ 8.50 -> 20.00 - 39.99 10.50 -> 40.00 - 59.99 12.50 -> 60.00 - 79.99 14.50 -> 80.00 - 99.99 16.50 -> 100.00 - 119.99 18.50 -> 120.00 - 139.99 20.50 -> 140.00 - 159.99 22.50 -> 160.00 - 179.99 24.50 -> 180.00 - 199.99 26.50 -> 200.00+ email Um... hey, idiots, your bears are $30 and $75. Will you really charge me $8.50 shipping if I order half a stupid bear? Hey, cool, the order form allowed me to type in my own total price for the 99999999 bears I just ordered. So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? I looked at the stupid non-erotic mummification for kids and bears site. You should be receiving 99999999 in the mail soon. I wonder how many million weeks it will take to make them... -- K. I hereby swear that if my stuffed bear ever dies, I won't have him mummified. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:01:12 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly." > > > > Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop > > teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. > > You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. > > Yaaaay! I enjoy suffering for your happiness. However, your happiness makes me sad. But sometimes it's good to be sad so I'm happy you're happy but that probably makes you jealous now that I'm just as happy as you and I'm even happier that you're jealous and that makes me too happy which makes me sad so I hope you're happy that now I'm suffering in some manner so complex that it won't even fit in a run-on sentence. > > [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] > > -> > > -> Springies: On Off Change > > > > Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. > > I'm betting it's what causes the Wondertwin Dancing Trail Of Mummified Bears > power to activate or deactivate. ... Yep. > > ...Oh my: > > Click your Favorite Springy! > Pictures > œ œ œ œ > [these dots separate the heads of a mummified cat, rabbit, bear, what looks > like a mango with hair, and Piglet] Gee, now I'm glad that I wasn't able to click on a Springy Hairy Mango. So how was Piglet mummified? Was he stuffed with a spudge and then dipped in hunny and wrapped in a wet rag that someone left where his balloon used to be? > > [...] > > > > So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? > > Well, yes and no. I am gratified for what you've done with/to that > poor poor page, and have some more mental images to file safely away > from future generations... but any society in which Kibos are tortured > just to produce that most evanescent of genres, comedy, has far to go, no? You call this a society? My definition of "society" is "any civilization which does not permit children to learn about magical mummified teddy bears from Atlantis". This isn't a society, it's a lunatic asylum made from cotton candy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat my way out. -- K. So if they caught Cookie Monster eating the asylum and mummified him, what would his authentic Egyptian mummy name be? Umm-Numm-Numm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 00:53:05 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Total score today: [...] 3 with an asterisk. > > How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were > wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us > to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf > whistle from a passing car? Well, the woman in Barnes & Noble who wished us a pleasant evening of sadomaximal pervery doesn't really count, because there's no evidence that she was commenting me on my look (she could have just thought you looked really submissive) and the wolf-whistle doesn't count, because we don't know whether it was directed at me, at you, or just one of those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side of their body. I'm scoring one point for anything like "Hey, great look, cool dude!" and a tenth of a point for "Eww! You look like Bozo, only funnier!" and five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. No points for "Do you ride a Harley?" or "What time is it?" or "May I please watch when you beat Joe Manfre with a Cinderella broom?" I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new Frankenstein boots yet but I suspect that those extra four inches are going to make people _really_ careful around me. It'll be like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something. -- K. Or maybe just Big Bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:18:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running > > off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. > > Perhaps I am cynical and jaded, but is there anyone who would really > be scared of seeing someone in leather in public? The people who live in Norman Rockwell paintings? Greeters at Wal-Mart? Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? Mary Whitehouse? Marty Angstrom? The guy from the cover of the first "New Yorker"? David Letterman back when he was on the goofballs? Lucy Ricardo? The high-school principal who freaked out over the kid's pink shoelaces? Davey and/or Goliath? > Besides my mother, of course, who is so desperately isolated that > insists she has never seen anyone with pink hair. Even though half > the female population under the age of 25 has had pink hair. I hope it's the half that eats! Wait, that didn't work at all. Let me try again. I hope it's the half that dyes! -- K. I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my pinball wizardry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 01:02:29 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > is there anyone who would really be scared of seeing someone in > > > leather in public? > > > > Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? > > The first one is funny, because everyone knows Chik-Fil-A executives > don't exist. But the Ralph Malph thing just scares me. Ralph Malph? You're scared of someone with bright orange hair? Um, then I have bad news for you... > > I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my > > pinball wizardry. > > Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other. > In fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been, > overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to > stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion. But doesn't he get brownie points for singing a version of "Rocket Man" at least twice as good as William Shatner's? > Stacia > can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue? Oh god. I am living that movie. Or trying to. Problem is, I need a Helena Bonham Carter. Is she still busy playing tennis with some puppets shaped like robots made from common household objects? -- K. I'd settle for Helena Russell, but only circa 1964. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:49:30 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (setgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > So, what's your point? > > Poke. Poke, poke. Hey Kibo, I think we gots one what's wearing pants! Okay, you take his pants, and I'll get the jumper cables. > > I could quickly identify your reader too, but I won't. > > Who cares about it? > > You posted in a public forum about your choice of a news reader. You > have no cause to act surprised when that choice sparks public response. > Who cares about it, indeed? And speaking of Seth who still hasn't absorbed the Rules Of Discipline, Captain, you'll be interested in knowing the improvements I'm proposing for the Next Generation Internet. It's like Classic Internet except there are two extra buttons on your computer. One sends 600 volts directly to whoever wrote the message you're currently reading. The other sends 600 volts directly to the CEO of whatever company published the program you currently have open. I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. All we can do is harness all that electricity so that it can be used to punish miscreants instead of just using it to make virtual hamsters dance. Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. Thank god at least that damn dancing baby's gone forever. I think he grew up and killed himself. -- K. Wow, that's dark. But don't dwell on it, just hold Seth down while I put the jumper cables on him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:44:28 -0400 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could > > send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because > > it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. > > That's what's wrong with the Internet. It _should_ be made of candy. > > I blame Al Gore. He did actually make the Internet out of candy, but President Clinton ate it. So that's why, the night before his assignment was due, Al Gore turned in a cheap shoddy Internet made from Capsela and Christmas tinsel. > > Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was > > responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't > > stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. > > That shouldn't be a button. It should just do it continuously. Could there at least be a placebo button (like the ones at crosswalks) we could press to _pretend_ we're causing the "Hamster Dance" person to writhe in agony, even though they're always writhing in agony? Please? -- K. One of my arms hurts, and I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 01:54:56 -0400 I bleached my hair and beard, and all the purple and red are gone, but traces of the orange remain, so my hair is now a sunny, shimmery goldenrod, sort of like if school buses were made of candy. With my hair this light and sunny, my medium gray eyes really stand out. This hair color is good if you want to see my eyes and not my hair. But since I have pale skin and dark clothes, I want the more colorful hair back after I spend one day the color of Five Alive. I'll leave it like this until tomorrow then try to get it the colors I want (red-orange on top, maroon beard.) That attempt will be made with a blend of Manic Panic shades Divine Wine and Infra Red for the beard, and for the hair, a blend of about 47% Tiger Lily, 47% Infra Red, and 6% Deadly Nightshade. (Approximately. I have not been measuring my concoctions on a Pantone-approved ink scale.) I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, see the Manic Panic color chart at http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on my hair it's a weak orange-brown. (That's why I've been mixing it with bright orange and a hint of purple to make reddish-oranges.) I've only really experimented with orange, red, and purple so far so I have no experience with the pink, yellow, green, or blue half of the spectrum. Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do what I'm told. -- K. Names I just made up for imaginary shades of hair dye: Teen Sex Romp Burger Joint Radium Pale Whatta Maroon Emperor Wasabi Bile! Bile! Bile! Glo-balt Pink For Straights Cattle Prod Urology Lab The Opposite Of Eggplant Axolotl Red Morning Whorey Nuclear Emission I call dibs on all these names, but if any cool hair-dye companies would like to use them, they may as long as I get a lifetime supply of all these beautiful colors. Except Pink For Straights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:13:19 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky > > it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) > > All those Insects that see in Ultraviolet scream ARRRGGGHHH. > > All those Kibologists who see in Ultraviolet GO HOME YOU MUTANTS !!!!1! Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it just now. If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you sure do look normal!" Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. -- K. Hooray for having evil clown hair! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:50:05 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just > > a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it > > just now. > > Having followed the saga of your ever-changing hair color with great > interest, I find myself considering cutting my hair very short and > changing the color the way you do (short so there won't be so much to > bleach and dye). I particularly liked the idea of shimmery goldenrod > hair. You get iridescent-looking effects when a different color starts growing in underneath, like the way most cats have a mix of long hairs of one color and short hairs of another color. It also helps if you mix two different dyes together, or put a new color on top of the old a week or two later, because that way one of the colors will fade faster than the other in the sun, so they outermost hairs will take on a different shade than the lower layers. I've been having nice results with my current mix of bright orange, dark red, and a hint of purple to make a rich red-orange. I don't like the crayon-color Bozo hair I'd get if I just used a single dye. > > If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you > > sure do look normal!" > > How would you know? They never did back when I was _completely_ normal. Today, when I was walking to the South End, I encountered not just one but two instanced of guys who tried to taunt me by singing "YMCA" as I passed. I always find it amusing that people think they're being insulting to _you_, not to themselves, when they get so proud of having almost figured out that, yeah, you're trying to communicate something really obvious with your clothes on purpose. I assume that if I had Bozo hair and a baggy blue Bozo suit and big red Bozo shoes and a honking Bozo nose, they'd point at me and say, "Ha ha! You look like A CLOWN OR SOMETHING!" Also, all those clueless dudes who don't realize there's more than one leatherman in the world think the lyrics of "YMCA" are this: "Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A..." Jeez, guys, learn a second bar. Or at least do the dance step that goes with the "Y-M-C-A" part. (It doesn't count if you just wobble in place like that new Tickle Me Elmo doll that sings "E-L-M-O" to that tune.) > > Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened > > and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to > > look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count > > that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. > > Are you keeping track of whether the reactions seem to be due to hair > color or leathers, or is it possible to differentiate? When they compliment me, it's always "I like that red!" or "Where did you get those leather pants?" (Today I got asked if I was afraid I'd be mugged for my leather pants. Um, yeah, whatever.) When people just stare in a freaked-out sort of way, I think it's the combination what does them in. I mean, a guy walking around in some leather is no big deal. (About a third of guys have leather jackets.) A guy with orange hair is no big deal. But what you've described as my "??? does not compute" look -- orange hair and complete leather outfit and nerd glasses and hat with flashing neon sign saying "dictatorial regime border guard" -- causes some people to glance at me and then be very careful not to step on my feet when they walk past. And a lot of women look at me and then flash me big smiles, as if I'm automatically flirting with everyone just because I'm stylin'. Basically, this is a better way to get stares, start conversations, make store clerks not ignore me, etc., than my previous look of the cop jacket and flashy hockey jersey. And the leather feels so good, man. So when it's not raining, I'm enjoying the "dress to impress" leather look. I'm not sure what I'll do this summer, since I refuse to go the leather-vest route (I like jackets, I have skinny arms) but until the weather gets a few degrees warmer, I'm going to continue being all leather. (Well, I'm wearing a T-shirt that's not made of leather. Leather T-shirts are expensive and probably not really practical. But I think I'm allowed to wear cloth between me and the leather for the parts of my body that get sweaty.) -- K. Basically, I'm being non-conformist in what would be a very conformist way in San Francisco, but on the East Coast you just don't see many leatherfolk. Must be something about the terrible weather. Oh, and the total suppression of human sexuality. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 15:49:36 -0400 E Teflon Piano (ETP@the-institute.firm) wrote: > > Also, does it strike anybody weird that Kibo doesn't want his pichur on > the innernet because he's afraid of being recognized in real life when > his incognito persona is a cheeto-headed leather-jockey? You're making an assumption, you big assumpter. I don't mind being _recognized_. I don't mind people knowing I exist. But I have lots of other privacy/harassment/stalking/fraud-related reasons why I don't want to have photos of me floating around the Internet. -- K. If you would like to make a police sketch, I can describe myself to you. But bear in mind that I have the "Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat" thing happening, so my description of myself might wind up being all hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:49:36 -0400 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you would like to make a police sketch, I can describe > > myself to you. But bear in mind that I have the "Man Who > > Mistook His Wife For A Hat" thing happening, so my > > description of myself might wind up being all hat. > > I don't see how this can be a bad thing. Please go on! Um... Okay. My head is sort of like Richard Moll's, only with hair and a completely different set of facial features, but I'm not sure which set is which because it's just this odd peanut-shaped silhouette with some face things all over it. And I'm not sure what color the hair will be an hour from now because I'm about to dye it purple or gold or red or something. Oh, and I have glasses, which are "Modern Tornado" color according to the tiny lettering on the inside. I have a cleft chin, but the cleft goes horizontally instead of vertically, sort of like Kirk Douglas without the dimple, but it doesn't matter because I have a beard of some sort, possibly a real one. My ears are on opposite sides of my brain, which is on the inside somewhere. Please let me stop doing this because it makes my brain hurt to think about my head. You're mean! You make my brain hurt worse than my new hat does! -- K. I wouldn't have that problem if Tom Of Finland had been from a country where people didn't have tiny little heads. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:21:06 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wouldn't have that problem [of a too-small hat] if Tom Of Finland > > had been from a country where people didn't have tiny little heads. > > If Toms of Maine merged with Tom of Finland, what shape do you think > the toothpaste tubes would be? I don't know, but I bet they'd stand up to a lot more squeezin' before the stuff came out. Do you squeeze from the middle or the bottom? And are you the sort of neat-freak who likes to put one of those little clampy things on yours? > No. Don't answer that. Hey, if Darth Vader married Ella Fitzgerald in Finland, what would he be? -- K. (besides drunk?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:36:28 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So when it's not raining, I'm enjoying the "dress to impress" leather > > look. [...] I'm going to continue being all leather. > > Kibo is murder. Oh, so what was I back when I still wore _fabric_ back when I was slaughtering whole families because their last names started with the same letter as the guy who cancelled "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? How come those mass murders don't count? They were just as good as all my other mass murders! ACKNOWLEDGE I'M A MURDERER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY PING-PONG BALL GUN! *pop* -- K. Karlo, you used to be cool! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:16:04 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ACKNOWLEDGE I'M A MURDERER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY PING-PONG BALL GUN! > > > > *pop* > > Stop that. No. > > *pop* > > Stop that. Never. > > *pop* > > Stop that. Not for _you_. > > *pop* > > Really. Cut it out. With the big knife or the little knife? > > *pop* > > Stop that. Uh-uh. > > *pop* > > Stop that. No way, Yves Tanguy. > > *pop* > > Stop that or I'm telling. Why don't you go tell Chaplain Kirk. > > *pop* > > MOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Baby. And that's not how you spell "uncle". > > -- K. > > Karlo, you used to be cool! > > I know. I stopped being cool about twelve or thirteen years ago, when > I first found this Internet thingy. It sucks the cool from you. It's > a cool sink. It's a black hole of cool. No cool can escape from its > event horizon. Not even cool photons. Not even cool neutrinos. And when the Internet sucks the cool from you, do you know where it goes? Me. I take it and collect it and rub it all over my body as part of my speed seduction technique to attract anyone I want instantly. Whoops, gotta go, Jack Black is ringing my bell with a cheeseless pizza. > I used to be cool. Had a band, wore a leather jacket and biker boots, > even had a '73 Honda 550 to go with. Dated girls who did fentanyl and > thought it was smack. Read Bukowski, drank too much bourbon, hung > out in dank dressing rooms in seedy bars, waiting for my turn to > sing loud, depressing songs on a stage made of plywood and duct tape, > changing my guitar strings while I got a handjob from a waitress. > > Yeah, I used to be cool. Now I clean spyware and pr0n dialers off of > PCs and write shell scripts to parse log files. > > I blame the Internet. Now hold that pose while Jack Black and I work you over with our Ping-Pong ball guns... now in stereo! We're gonna put you in the Gnip-Gnop machine! *pop* *pop* -- K. You read Bukowski? I read Szukalski. And without ever once cheating by looking at the pictures. I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:41:49 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, > > see the Manic Panic color chart at > > http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm > > ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. > > For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on > > my hair it's a weak orange-brown. > > [...] you can achieve the intended color IF you bleach out all > your own hair color first. I know, I've tried. But I have very dark hair, and of course there's a little yellow-orange dye that won't bleach out. Bear in mind that some of my hair, such as the beard, is very thick and can never be bleached solid white. I can get pretty close when there's no dye residue, but it's not easy. I think the main problem is that my jar of Infra-Red is actually weak -- it must have been in the store too long and light-faded, because the stuff is a golden-brown in the jar. I bought a second jar and it's a lot redder. Anyway, I like the interesting effects I get by stirring colors together, especially as the different dyes fade at different rates in different layers of my hair, so I'll probably keep making my own reds by mixing orange and purple in with the red. > (That's how they got those colors on the swatch displays.) Those > colors are all shown on pure white hair samples. I believe those are technically called "kapok". > Of course if you do bleach your hair first, I accept no responsibility > if it falls out. Even if it did years before you posted that disclaimer? > But if it *does* fall out, you can just buy a lot of lollipops and > go around saying, "Who loves ya, baybee"? I was thinking more "Tea! Earl Grey! Hot!" or perhaps "Khaaaaaaannnnn!!!!" > > Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or > > dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go > > blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do > > what I'm told. > > They're just trying to absolve themselves of all responsibility if you do get > some in your eyes. My sister does it anyway. If she jumped off the Empire State Building into a big vat of dye, would I follow her? > Of course, she's done some pretty stupid things in her life. So again, > take my advice with a healthy dose of sedatives. I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven other ways, so why would I need to dose myself? I mean, there are so many easier ways to make yourself unconscious. Some of them don't even require a baseball bat! -- K. I want a football bat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:04:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven > > other ways, > > Next he'll be trying to tell us capsaicin is actually food, An entree, to be precise. > and carbon dioxide bubbles in the blood occur naturally. That's what happens if you have a Dr Pepper and then block a belch wrong. Don't ask what happens if you eat asafetida and then block a fart wrong. By the way, what's the _right_ way to block a fart? One of those little pillows stuffed with pine needles and a cross-stitch picture of a lighthouse? -- K. "asafetida" in Latin is "ferula", which is also a word for "whip", because the Romans tortured people with asafetida _without_ feeding it to them. Believe it... or not! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION LURKERS! Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:23:51 -0400 Mouschi (weavermjnospam@hendrix.edu) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I want all of you lurkers to post something before the end of the > > week. Why? Because I wanna know how many of you there are, for one > > thing. Also, I'm tired of reading the same old bozos here. > > > > Mostly, though, I want to see if I can make you cry. > > > > So come on! Join the circle, hold hands with the person to each side > > of you, and post something that will start to reveal the hot-buttons > > we can push to make you cry leik schoolgirl. > > Ha! Nice try, but Kibo already compared me to Woody Allen, inciting my (I > thought, anyway) well-hidden anti-semitism! And that was YEARS ago! A while ago, I considered converting to Judaism, especially because I like my local kosher supermarket. But I decided to go gay instead. With a big side order of kinky fries. > Good luck trying to find anything else in the hot-button department! I bet I could make you cry without even talking to you. Close your eyes and hold VERY still. -- K. The next scream you hear will be in the key of "EEEEEEEEE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New lanyard Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 05:13:33 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a new lanyard yesterday for my work ID card. The old lanyard was a > piece of blue cord; nothing special. But this new lanyard ... oh, it is > something to behold. It is thick, glossy, sleek; it is black and has the > red "Agfa" company logo stamped all over it. Oh, it is a fine lanyard. > > I am really deriving a great deal of pleasure out of this. I am really, really, REALLY about to go all Robin Williams on you if you don't stop enjoying having a lanyard that says "Agfa Agfa Agfa", unless you change it to "Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa". Fucking Agfa. I really derived a great deal of pleasure out of that documentary, "One Hour Photo". Too bad it didn't come out in 1997 so I could have yelled "Fucking Agfa!" at my local fucking Agfa guy when I still had that job. And I still can't eat Pringles Salt & Vinegar potato chips. Eeeeeeeyuk. > [...] > > I am also fully aware my life is a tragic farce. No, that was "Death To Smoochy". Uh-oh, does this mean that your job also requires you to wear a big purple foam-rubber suit while you prance around telling kids to use Agfa products? -- K. "Agfa" is an acronym for "Asomething Gsomething Fucking Agfa!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:06:19 -0400 Concerning a distressing Easter celebration... Professor Zamumba (dogwander@frostwarning.com) wrote: > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen it already. "if" I haven't seen it? Do you mean "seen it" as in "actually witnessed it in person", or "seen it" as in "vividly imagined it every night for the last 36 years"? 'Cause I could claim either and some people would believe me, mainly because they have no reason believe I _haven't_ been up to shenanigans with the Easter Bunny. But I did actually see the article on the newswire yesterday. I just didn't comment on it because I didn't think anyone else would be interested in an article about the Easter Bunny being flagellated. Also, the Easter Bunny is secretly married to Elmer Fudd. > -> GLASSPORT, Pa. (AP) - First, the Passion of the Christ. Now, the > -> torment of the Easter Bunny? > -> > -> It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson's movie, but many > -> parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about - -> Jesus' crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping > -> the Easter bunny and breaking eggs. "I WOULD LIKE TO SMASH THEM!" Sorry. I just have that reaction to eggiwegs. > -> People who attended Saturday's show at Glassport's memorial stadium > -> quoted performers as saying, ``There is no Easter bunny,'' and > -> described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified. Followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were copyrighted by Paas, and then followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were Stretch Armstrong, and then a demonstration of how he would have been disassembled and returned to his protective storage container if he were made of Legos. Nothing weird about that. It's only weird if you confuse depictions of subjunctive torture with depictions of actual torture! > -> Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the > -> program was inappropriate for young children. Ah, so she _admits_ it was appropriate for her. > -> ``He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,'' > -> Salzmann said. I want to know why four-year-old J.T. knows the word "whipped". Has his mommy been showing him flashcards to teach him the difference between "whip", "flogger", "cat", "strap", "tawse", "paddle", "switch", "cane", "blusher", and "spanking machine"? Or did little J.T. learn about whips in an earlier installment of Sunday School when he showed up five minutes late? Wait, is he the J.T. from J.T. Toys? If so, now I understand why he keeps giving me Tootsie Pops. > -> Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, > -> said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton > -> portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone > -> of irreverence. Not irreverence, but blasphemy! The Easter Bunny is the holiest symbol in the entire Cadbury-Paas-Nestle pantheon! This is as blashphemous as suggesting that Carvel's "Easter Bunny" cake is the same as "Cookie Puss" covered with a different color of Stucco! THE BIBLE DOES NOT SAY THAT COOKIE PUSS IS THE EASTER BUNNY WITH NEW SPACKLE, THEREFORE IT CANNOT BE TRUE! ALL PRAISE BE TO TOM CARVEL! (A gravelly, mucus-filled voice wheezes out "Amen.") > -> ``The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to > -> convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about > -> Jesus Christ,'' Bickerton said. I thought it was about free candy. Just like other Christian holidays, such as Halloween and Valentine's Day. > -> Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed > -> a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, Okay, this is the sort of phrase no good reporter would ever use. Mentioning "a self-mutilating woman" without giving us the "who", "what", "where", "when", "why", "how", and "photos" is poor journalistic practice. Anyone who's ever passed an English composition class will know: When describing something that horrified prudes, _show_, don't _tell_. > -> said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in > -> Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh. > -> > -> ``It was very disturbing,'' Norelli-Burke said. ``I could not > -> believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting.'' Then, she accidentally walked into a theater showing "Fight Club" and her brain exploded. Because of these incidents, that community near Pittsburgh passed a law saying that satire should not be in-your-face and obvious, but should instead only do very gentle, subtle psychic damage to fragile people. Satire should not be the blatant sort that makes people say "Eww! Satire! I noticed it!" because that just makes them complain about the propaganda while they feel all smug for noticing it. Satire should puzzle people who would otherwise go to reporters about stuff their kids saw involving cartoon rabbits, without them realizing where the disquieting feeling came from. John Cleese once said, "Some people are easily offended, and those people _should_ be offended." Especially if we get to watch. My feet hurt. -- K. I just added that last sentence to make this a proper inverted pyramid because I am committed to serious journalism. I bring you commentary on the most important news stories of our time, and also ones about flogbunnies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:24:33 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Professor Zamumba > > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen > > it already. > > I like the headline on this version: > > [from www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> "EASTER BUNNY FLOGGING NOT FUNNY" Paul Shaeffer wrote that headline! > And also this line: > > -> Some children cried when they witnessed the bunny bashing > > Only SOME children cried! The rest of them were well-adjusted and > ENJOYED the bunny bashing! As they should! Because bunnies are VERMIN! > And should be EX! VERM! I! NATE! ed. Is this the right time to ask whether bunnies are the only animals that wail exactly like human babies when you step on them? I need to know for this musical instrument I'm building. -- K. Explanation of one reference: There was an extended, rather tame "Saturday Night Live" sketch once where Paul Shaeffer played a medieval musician who kept using the word "floggin'" in place of "fookin'". Except that at one point he slipped up and quite clearly said "fucking", years before Charlie Rocket got the show taken off the air by saying "fuck". Paul Shaeffer will go down in television history as one of the first people to get away with saying the F-word on TV. Bless him! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:08:34 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > edges right now. LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs if you like spicy omelets. > I can't decide if it's a help or a hindrance when it comes to posting > in ARK. There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. The other is technically illegal. -- K. Damn Constitution, "cruel and unusual" yadda yadda yadda. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:18:16 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks [...] a little strained around > > > the edges right now. > > > > LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! > > > > Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming > > into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. > > Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them > > rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs > > if you like spicy omelets. > > I don't think that death will be much of a growth experience for anyone. > Except those of us watching. But come over. With eggs. Death? Who said anything about death? Oh, sure, maybe you should make some of your victims _beg_ for death, but you shouldn't be so kind as to give it to them. Also, for some reason, I just got a craving for eggs, so tonight I went to the supermarket and bought a carton of instant liquid egg whites (the kind with the yellow dye) and made an omelet the lazy way -- I poured the stuff into a pie tin (lined with foil) and baked until it puffed up like that instant pudding that chased Woody Allen around while he was dressed like a robot, and it popped when I poked it with a fork, then I poured hot sauce over it and ate about four eggs' worth before I was officially sick of eggs for the next week. > > There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do > > find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k > > is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. > > Yeah, but society likes it when you go all fucko bazoo on ARK. I don't > quite know anyone well enough to terrify them into submission. It doesn't usually work that way. Unless you're talking about marrying them. -- K. (in extreme close-up, Kibo tilts his head 93 degrees to the left) You've never seen me go fucko bazoo. (pops a stick of gum in his mouth) RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!! Uh-oh, I swallowed it while I was overacting... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 00:01:22 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. > > > > I take it that the Easter bunny hasn't visited yet. > > If he does, he'll get the flogging of a lifetime. Now I know why I bought that bunny suit from Archie McPhee! Hooray! I'll be over at midnight! You have a Tyvek fetish, right? Can we play "microprocessor manufacturing facility owned by a dominatrix"? I mean, _somebody_ needs to invent that game for the good of nerds everywhere! > It wasn't *that* long ago that I was a churchy type, and you may > have read about what we do to Easter Bunnies. You're just supposed to bite their feet off so they won't hop away. Mr. Rogers once told me that he believed that when he was young and stupid. I think the subtext is that when he got older he realized that the proper thing to do was to bite their heads off first so they wouldn't watch you eat them. I don't know how Captain Kangaroo felt about eating rabbits. Or moose. Or Slim Goodbody's rump-roast-on-the-outside. Cookie Monster, on the other hand, would have no problem eating any sort of rabbit, even one made of fuzzy foam rubber. Yay for Cookie for having no inhibitions whatsoever, especially about eating inedible things. -- K. Can we play "Gimme cookie!" too? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:11:11 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > > edges right now. > > Why repress a bad mood? Why avoid a bad mood? Exult in it and flame > everyone to crispy bacon and put mayonnaise on the bacon to get Kibo > in a bad mood too. uh, Mark, (a) I would never object to a shmear of mayo on my bacon. and (b) I *AM* IN A BAD MOOD! Now gimme my bacon or I'll put the shmear on you. -- K. That's a lyric from the hit song, "Butter-Knife Love". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 02:55:26 -0400 Burger King's really strange new Web site: http://www.subservientchicken.com I wonder how much they pay that guy. I did the obvious -- I told him to kneel, I told him to dance, I told him to play dead, I asked him to take his mask off (he shrugged), and so on. I assume it's a live underpaid guy and not some sort of artifical intelligence. It's obviously real video of some sort, and that Flash interface can't have a whole lot of canned video embedded in it. I suspect there may be some trickery going on where the "home" position is a loop. In other words, you only see live video of Mr. Chickenpants and his odd red leg garters when he's actually performing in regard to something you ordered him to do, and for the "idle" time you get canned video of him standing in the middle of the room. (There's a bit of a discontinuity whenever he returns to "home" position.) Actually, maybe I'm wrong to assume the actor's underpaid. He (or she) might be doing this as a labor of love. I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS! I guess the big question is whether he's ever performing live, or whether someone or something is playing canned clips when you order him to do something. If he's not a live person, they have a pretty comprehensive clip library. They seem to have multiple versions of some of the clips to keep it from getting repetitive. I ordered the chickenslave to "Pick up a sofa cushion" and he threw two cushions and a pillow at the camera, then spent some time straightening up. That wasn't quite what I commanded. So I told the Mr. Chickenpants, "Pick up a cushion but don't toss it" and got the same video. So these are recordings. Either they have a reasonably good Zork-like parser that can select which clip to play, or a human being somewhere is picking which clip to show when I type in something esoteric. Next experiment: I typed "Turn on the TV." and he turned around twice. I typed "Switch on your TV." and he didn't do anything. Difficult things, such as "Would you kill Ronald McDonald?" all get the same generic videos of him scratching his head or rocking back and forth. "Fllap your winngs" gets that too. So I will wager it's entirely automated (as we could have guessed given that doing this with a live human performer, or even a human operator, would be a little too cool for Burger King.) I wonder if there's an Easter Egg? Still, playing with Mr. Chickenpants just got a lot less fun now that I've determined that he's not performing live (it was an unlikely possibility, but it could have been done that way, and that would have been a lot cooler.) Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human chickenslave through the Internet. I gotta get me a Webcam. -- K. What would you have me do? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 00:35:09 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Burger King's really strange new Web site: > > > > http://www.subservientchicken.com > > I managed to REALLY IMPRESS two dudes at work who were looking at this > site and trying to decide if it was a live guy or not. I suggested > that instead of typing stuff into one computer, they could type > DIFFERENT STUFF in two computer and see what happened. > > They were impressed because of my scientific approach to the problem. I would have done the same, except that then I would have told the guys, "You're getting different results because the computers' clocks are set to different time zones." Then I would have pointed to the two computers and sung "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others" until they got as confused as humanly possible. Then I would have taken their wallets, broken their spirits, and ordered them to put on chicken costumes. > So, even though I am really behind in my ARK reading, you will be > happy to know that the hivemind is functioning properly and I did, in > fact, help enslave a chicken in a very scientific way. It would have been more scientific if you were wearing rubber gloves. Were you? If not, why not? -- K. And then I would have made my two personal chickenslaves fight, until one got pecked to the death. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:08:18 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human > > chickenslave through the Internet. > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. In a different thread, Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I wish Kibo would stop playing with his hair before it all falls out. > > You wish Kibo would stop bothering me with all of his hair and/or > lifestyle choices. No, that's my wish. See, Tom is one of these people who sits down with a pad of paper once every three months and makes those tough "lifestyle choices" such as, "I've been straight for the last zillion quarters. Should I stay straight, or is it time for a change just to break up the monotony?" Then he licks the pencil a while and makes his decision to not get recruited. Getting him to do manual labor, such as painting a wall blue, would probably be even more difficult than recruiting him, which is still the #1 item on the International Gay Conspiracy's Official Agenda: #1. Recruit Tom Kraemer during one of those vulnerable moments when he's licking the pencil before making his "lifestyle choice". #2. Teach all kids in elementary schools that they should help recruit Tom Kraemer. #3. In all schoolbooks, change the word "evolution" to "coming out". #4. Have the "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" guys tear down the entire country and rebuild it in a nice shade of fuchsia. #5. Make everyone listen to gay music, like Mozart. #6. Trick straights into buying from the International Male catalog, because everyone needs a backless jockstrap. #7. Put arugula in all salads. #8. Put "Star Trek" back on the air, but this time have Kirk and Spock kiss in every episode, not just that one from the third season. #9. Have every supermarket install an extra express checkout lane labelled "12 Items Or Less, Shirtless Men Only." And a 10% discount for each of the hankies in your back pocket. #10. Further obfuscate the names of gay bars to trick more straights into wandering in and staying forever. Because #4 mandates fuchsia, we'll know the recruitment efforts have finally managed to destroy Tom's heterosexuality when the International Gay Conspiracy's Pay-Per-View Hidden Webcam shows Tom refusing to paint his breakfast nook's wall blue. Of course, it is certainly possible to enslave straight guys on wacky Web cameras -- some straight guys just like enslaving other straight guys, nothing wrong with that, it just makes it kinkier -- but putting Tom on a webcam isn't on that list of the ten action items I was issued at the last meeting (in the employee cafeteria at International Male) so we'll have to get through with #1 through #10 before we even think of enslaving him. -- K. This is why I don't drink. I might accidentally make the "lifestyle choice" to go back to being straight. And then I'd have to start wearing cotton and stuff when I became a clothman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:09:30 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > > > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" > > > > I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. > > Besides, I'm painting that wall of MY OWN FREE WILL. The walls are in your mind, man. If you had free will, you could walk through the walls. That's how Casper does it, and he doesn't need any clothes because he's freed his mind, man. And that's why he doesn't have any genitals either. Casper's so free that he doesn't care that he's a dead eunuch. Of course, he's still going to get reincarnated as something like a taxi driver's hemorrhoid doughnut as his punishment for appearing in a million comic books that were even less funny than "Little Archie". -- K. Other comic books less funny than any Archie product: "Little Dot" "Baby Huey" Jack Kirby's "2001" There are probably others, but I don't know about them, because they suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 03:54:44 -0400 I recently wrote: > > Burger King's really strange new Web site: > > http://www.subservientchicken.com For complete details on how the program's language parser has been reverse-engineered, see: http://www.boingboing.net/2004/04/08/subservient_chickens.html The list of keywords that the thing responds to is, um, heavy on the doodie words. There are about three hundred different clips it can play. I wonder how long it took them to come up with this list of almost everything people would want to order a person dressed as a chicken to do over the Internet. For instance, here are the trigger words for all the scenes involving the sofa cushions: -> 227. throw, pickup, pick up, pillows, pillow, cushion, cushions, -> rage, mad ,destroy, wreck, tantrum, temper, angry -> 276. look under, under, underneath, cushion, cushions, couch, -> spare change, lost, down there, no there -> 283. build, fort, house, cushions, pillow, lizstless, pillows, -> hide, bomb shelter -> 296. hit, head, pillow, pillows, cushion, cushions, punish, -> flagellate, masochist -> -> 297. hit, chair, armchair, pillow, pillows, cushions, trash, -> temper, tantrum, wreck, destroy -> -> 298. make out, makeout, make-out, pillow, pillows, cushion, cusions, -> kiss, hug, love, caress, hold, kiss me, love me, hold me -> -> 299. put, place, cushion, cushions, shelf, shelves -> 310. sandwich, chickensandwich, pillows, cushions, cushion, -> pun, floor, pile, tetris, chicken sandwich, chicken sandwich I swear I really did search the list to see if the chicken knew the word "Kibo". He knows "Village People", "Bill and Ted", (Johnny) "Depp", (Pat) "Morita", "Alan Turing", and (hockey player Jaromir) "Jagr". He also responds to "Crispin", which is presumably a reference to Burger King's ad agency (the suspiciously named "Crispin Porter + Bogusky".) Typing "Crispin" will get one of two clips of three ad wizards appearing behind the couch. (Of course, in many clips someone can also be barely glimpsed in the background to the right, since they didn't hide very well.) You can tell this is a Burger King production and not a KFC one because there is no mention of "Animal 57". I wonder if there was a board meeting at Burger King's ad agency to discuss the issue of whether or not the kinky chicken should wear that bright red garter belt: "This just doesn't seem _Internet_ enough." "I know! Let's put him in lingerie!" "You're a genius! An _Internet_ genius!" -- K. (Hire me!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick Subject: Re: Proposal: Waterloo Teeth Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:22:06 -0400 Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet_com.duh) wrote: > > Several friends of mine keep Kosher; some the year around and others > during this holy week. Can you give me a reason, can you, that they > should not have two sets of teeth, one for meat and one for dairy? I > thought not. The omnivorous bite can be done-away! Molars for mashing, > with only a few incisors for cutting stubborn vegetables for the latter; > for the former, a tongue-intimidating row or two of canines and other > sharpened teeth. You don't even have to be Kosher to recognize the > need-- anyone on Atkins? Dear Kurty, It is not a goody thingy to have the bodys of animals between your teethy . Do not kiss a girly who has the bodys of animals between her teethy . -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: BRAZIL! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:37:17 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > I hope I have the right futuristic dystopia here. Although, I suppose > this could be "1984" rather than "Brazil": Wait, "Brazil" wasn't futuristic. It was only retro-futuristic. Also, it wasn't wholly a dystopia. Michael Palin's character seemed to be enjoying himself. > "The Guardian" [www.smh.com.au] wrote: > -> > -> When thousands of British National Health Service hospital patients > -> were offered television sets beside their beds as part of a deal > -> with a private company, it was billed as a triumph for the > -> Government's drive towards "patient power". > -> > -> The only problem, as the Department of Health has acknowledged, was > -> that patients could not turn the sets off. The TVs do not have an > -> off switch, and cast their flickering light for up to 16 hours a day. > > See, that's because TeeVee is GOOD for you! Any reputable doctor will > tell you that you need to watch 16 hours per day of television if you > want to get healed. And it's British television, no less! Four channels to choose from! On BBC1, programs about cheese! On BBC2, nothing but Teletubbies! BBC3, unfunny knockoffs of "Fawlty Towers"! BBC4, some show where a guy in a suit just keeps cancelling "Doctor Who" over and over! I know the channels don't actually call themselves "BBC4" etc., in order to disguise that all the channels are controlled by the same person (Maggie Thatcher, and on weekends, Mary Whitehouse) but you know what I mean. Over here in the States, we have 379 channels, and nothing good is on, so in England they only get 4/379ths as much entertainment. It's sad, really. They have no TV programming, and yet they're forced to watch TV. > -> The Health Service Journal identified the problem with the TVs. It > -> reported that the sets turn on automatically at 6am or 7am and > -> close at 10pm. Patients pay GBP3.20 ($AU7.70) a day for the full > -> range of programs. But those not wanting to subscribe do not > -> escape. They get trailers for the service and messages from the > -> hospital authorities instead. > > Beautiful. Simply beautiful. If you don't want to pay for 16 hours a > day of television while you lie there sick, we'll give you 16 hours a > day of ADVERTISING about what you're missing. Presumably the messages > from hospital authorites will include lots of "HEY! YOU! GET BETTER > QUICKLY!". Well, it would certainly encourage them to get out of bed, and probably out the window too. And then the license fee will be extracted from their survivors. > -> A Patientline spokesman said the failure to provide an off button > -> was "an accident" > > UH! HUH! I mean, nobody expects to be able to TURN OFF electrical > appliances, do they? Off buttons are a LUXURY! SHUT UP AND WATCH YOUR > TEEVEE! And don't you even THINK about hitting "n" to get to the next > UNSENET article until you've finished THIS one! Also, give me ONE! > MILLION! POINTS! in your scorefile RIGHT NOW! Or else... LAWSUIT! Sorry, I'm going to get your lawsuit thrown out of court because it's not going to have an "on" button drawn on it. > -> [...] > -> He said sets were mounted on an arm similar to those on some > -> desktop lamps. Patients who could not stand watching the programs > -> any longer could use the contraption to point the screen at the wall. > > Or patients who were not totally immobile would notice that their > "eyes" are mounted in a device called a "head" which is similar to the > "head" on a "chimpanzee"! If they couldn't stand watching the TeeVee > any longer, they could use the "head" contraption and the "neck" > contraption to turn their eyes away from the TeeVee! Unless, of course, they're in traction. And the sadistic nurse has swung the Tensor arm so that the little TV is pressed up against the guy's eyeballs. And then it's duct-taped to his face forever, unless he manages to get out of the full-body cast by himself someday. > -> If the flickering light still disturbed them, he said, they could > -> summon a company representative to disable the system, but that > -> meant it could not be turned back on again. > > If the flickering still disturbed them, they could order a spork from > the hospital kitchen to gouge out their eyes. I can think of several other ways to "disable the system". Next time the lunch tray includes chocolate pudding, it's going right over the screen, unless they were stupid enough to make the screen out of something breakable like glass, in which case I'm going to summon a neurologist to hammer on my patella and then I'll swipe his hammer and hurl it at the TV screen. And then twenty years later Apple will pretend I was wearing an iPod back when I was in the hospital. Also, there will be a wacky wheelchair race like on "The Benny Hill Show". Have I ever mentioned that I like Benny Hill? Good thing he was a Thames production and not a BBC one! -- K. I like making jokes about things I don't understand, such as the corporate governance of Benny Hill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: not an arbutus Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:17:21 -0400 Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' slender, smoothbore frame; > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' a 30 meter range. > > An iron hook, my dearest wench > Wi' hold ye close to during fights > Through all the battles against the French > We'll murther many knights. > > Though iron foundries gang dry, my dear > And bullets break in shards > My arquebus is mine, my dear > Wi' the yeomen of the guard. > > And fare thee well, my dear matchlock > At thirty meters per second; > For thy recoil's too much of a shock > And new improved muskets beckon. Wasn't that written by Tarbolde on a Canopus planet back in 1997? It's a great poem, but don't go outside to repair the AE35 antenna unit with those funny contact lenses in. 'Cause, if you slip and fall off the spaceship when the pod klonks you, fat chance of the guy from "The Starlost" being able to save you even if he can make it down the Bounce Tube in time. So could you rewrite that lovely poem for me so it's about arbalests? I like them. You could also throw in a ballista or two. Oh, and some Greek Fire. It's pretty. -- K. Arrr! Fire be pretty! But don't ye be kissin' it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Sun, 11 Apr 2004 01:34:36 -0400 Yes, folks, it's that time of year again! By unpopular request, here are explanations of most of the oddities I mentioned in the articles I posted during one recent week. At first I was going to try to show how everything I've mentioned was related to "Star Trek", but that would have been too easy, so instead I shall demonstrate that everything I said was really a "Match Game" reference. This explanation of everything is a little long, so it will be posted in two installments. And now, let the explaining begin! * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Quorn in the news > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:22:13 -0500 > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that > > > -> millions of Europeans have eaten for years. > > > > I think this sentence is about some alternate-reality Europe... even > > if sometimes I reluctantly admit that Britain is rechnically a part > > of Europe. Come taste the world-renowned wonders of British cuisine! > > IT'S NOT A PART, IT'S A PENINSULA!!! This is a reference to Archimedes Plutonium's one-time insistence that England was "a peninsula". Richard Dawson was from England, or at least liked people to think he was. He was on "Match Game" before he got his own show and was able to be as drunk as he wanted without getting fired. Quorn is a fake meat product from England, made from a mildew-like white fuzz that grows underground. It tastes like nothing. It is unrelated to "Match Game", unless you consider the texture of Charles Nelson Reilly's toupee. > [...] > > > Actually, many insects are a perfectly good source of useful > > proteins. This does not make me want to eat cockroaches, even if > > they turn out to taste just like chickenroaches. You check first. > > I like how people freak out whenever they find out the difference > between natural and artificial red colors in their candy. Natural > red candy has things that look like ladybugs in it, or at least their > exoskeletons. Artificial red candy is made from nice clean chemicals. > Now choose! "Cochineal", seen on food ingredients lists, is referring to a maroon dye made from the shells of little red bugs (cochineal beetles.) Somewhere there must be a giant ranch where they're breeding billions of these tiny red critters just so they can put them in your Froot Loops (sometimes even on purpose.) However, there is a font named "Cochin" (styled after the famous engravings of some dude from the French Revolution era) and a font named "Neil" (also known as "Nitro", the font from the "Space: 1999" logo and the "Great American" supermarket logo) so perhaps the two could be combined into some sort of futuristic-yet-poncy powdered-wig-in-zero-gravity thing called "Cochineil", but that wouldn't be what I was talking about. If "Match Game" took place during Nicholas Cochin's day, Richard Dawson would have the longest cigarette holder, Charles Nelson Reilly would have the poofiest wig shaped like a three-foot-wide popcorn kernel, and Brett Somers would still be mentally behind the times. > > [...] > > > > Speaking of Latins and their rotten, mouldy, yeasty substances, have > > you ever wondered where the "gar" syllable in "vinegar" comes from? > > Allow me to reference the thousand articles I posted last year about > the Latin word "garum". And trust me, eating a spoonful of garum is > not as pleasant as drinking a big glass of vinegar. Garum was a popular seasoning in Roman times, one of their dozen or so subtly-different concoctions of rancid fish. They ate it constantly and even they thought it stunk to high heaven, so you can imagine how modern folks would feel about it. It smells worse than Brett Somers. > > Don't let them take all the FUN out of FUNGI! > > And don't let them take all the FUNGUS out of FUNYUNS! Funyuns are a Frito-Lay product designed to resemble onion rings, but made out of fluorescent yellow Styrofoam. I like them despite them not containing any actual onion. Or any bacon. Or any hot pepper. Okay, so I don't know why I like them. Just like I don't know why anyone other than me likes "Match Game". * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:59:40 -0500 > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching > > > down the street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! > > > A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > > > > Tony Cadena and Rikk Agnew did this better than you. > > I don't know who Tony "The Chain" Cadena and Rikk "Veep" Agnew are. > Are they the World Champions Of Ameba Tag or something? Or just > some adolescents you know? > > Either way, I assure you that I have _never_ lost a game of Ameba Tag. "Ameba Tag" was a stupid encounter-group game we were forced to play during freshman orientation at a college I attended. They brought in some group of losers called "Playfair" to yell at us through microphones exhorting us to touch each other in order to form emotional bonds and/or get cooties or something. I was like listening to "Up With People" but without the music. "Ameba Tag" involves walking around changing "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA!" and grabbing other people. I am not making this up. "Match Game" was better than "Ameba Tag", especially because "Match Game" did not involve any physical contact between Gene Rayburn and Brett Somers, and because "Ameba Tag", if it were a game show, would be full of disgusting commercials for disinfectants. > However, I don't remember what my Twister record is, since I haven't > played it since about age nine. And that's the wrong age for Twister. > You have to be old enough to realize that it should involve extra groping! "Twister" is a groping-related party game that involves a spinner telling you what to do, and then assuming the position and the first person to fall over loses, unless they're smart enough to know that the point of the game is to just rub up against people and fall over on them on purpose. "Match Game", on the other hand, was a game where most of the contestants weren't smart enough to know the point of funny riddles like "The Six Million Dollar Man dated a female Senator, but it didn't work because he was A.C. and she worked in D.BLANK!!!" > I'd have to wear the gloves to play Ameba Tag with you people, because > some of you guys have super cooties. "Cootie" was a game that involved rolling a die over and over until it came up the same number six times in a row. The game had no strategy, lasted for three hours, and was the most boring thing ever. Sadly, they did not make it into a TV show with Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly, because I would have loved to have seen them bickering over a game of "Cootie". ("No, you need to roll for each of the six legs separately, you horrid heterosexual heifer!") But I wasn't referring to that "Cootie" children's game, I was just referring to the attitude a lot of kids have that all other kids in the world have cooties which can only be repelled by "cootie spray" or the painful "cootie shot" (which comes in the form of "circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot", because the vaccine is delivered in the form of Feng Shui.) Nobody who was ever on "Match Game" had cooties, except for the six celebrities, the two contestants, Gene Rayburn, Johnny Olson, Mark Goodson, and Bill Todman. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! > Hot iron-on action! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:10:44 -0500 > > TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > > > > You know... I'm sure those perverted people that are into golden > > showers should would have an interesting time on the shuttle. > > Now that I think about it, you're right, everyone who has ever > wanted to be an astronaut or ride a spaceship or visit Mr. Spock > is a colossal pervert. Especially if Sulu gets to watch and keeps > yelling "OH, MY!" just like that guy who sounded nothing like him > once did on the Howard Stern show, convincing everyone that George > Takei is the kind of pervert who goes around yelling "OH, MY!" instead > of whatever he actually does when he sees Spock in the sonic shower. "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" featured a scene with a naked robot woman in a "sonic shower", represented by a disco light. Brett Somers was once on "Battlestar Galactica", which did not let her appear in a shower scene even though she had similar acting talent to Persis Khambatta. > Of all the "Star Trek" cast members, he's the funniest drunk, at least > in that press conference during the eight hours of extras on the > "Star Trek V" DVD. Man, George "Sulu" Takei was _so_smashed_ during that press conference. Almost as bombed as Klaus Maria Brandauer during "Druids" or all the guys who ever appeared on Sid & Marty Krofft shows. Now I have to decide whether to reiterate that "Match Game"'s Richard Dawson hosted a drunken game show for many years, or mention that Charles Nelson Reilly was the third drunkest actor ever in a Sid & Marty Krofft show (as "Hoodoo" in "Lidsville", he comes in third behind the first fake Brady dad on "Land Of The Lost" and the guy who played "Frank" on "Electrawoman & Dynagirl".) * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 22:37:34 -0500 > > [...] > > I may also just shave my head again (especially as my pricey new hat > is too small and I can't find a good way to stretch it.) They just don't make walking-leatherman-stereotype hats in my size (7 5/8, also known as Extra Large For People Who Are Super-Brainy.) I paid $80 for mine, but I can't stretch it because it's very well-made with an assortment of technologies used to prevent it from stretching (such as plastic straps across the front and top.) This hat is clearly designed to withstand certain types of abuse. The man who suffered the most abuse on "Match Game" was Earl, the narcoleptic game board operator. Half the time, when Gene Rayburn asked for the hundred-dollar answer to be revealed, Earl (who lived inside the game board) would be sound asleep, and Gene would have to pound on the game board to wake up Earl enough for him to slide away the piece of cardboard covering up "WEE WEE". This was not a very high-tech show. If my hat got into a fight with this show, my hat would be the survivor. > And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, > my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. > Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. > They just don't go with my current look. Nothing goes with my current look. My glasses are not as big as Brett Somers's but they do approach Charles Nelson Reilly's. > I am not a nerd! I am a robot! No, wait... I am not a robot! > I am a 6'7" Space Viking! With a 50000 foot boat of clear steel! This is a reference to: (a) an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show" where a "Melrose Heights 90210-2402" sketch dealt with the traumatically real issue of the gang spreading a rumor that Vaughn (the guy with A SECRET) was really a robot, and not just a common everyday leatherman. There's just something funny about Bob Odenkirk yelling "I AM NOT A ROBOT!" while wearing a bar vest. (b) crazy guy Kurt Stocklmeir, who claims to be something like nine feet fall (his height goes up a few inches every month) and has a magical giant boat made of clear steel which is why nobody can see it although somehow he manages to type on the WebTV that's built into his clear ship even though it would actually be impossible to see anything on the screen of an invisible WebTV. (c) the general concept of Space Vikings, who are cooler than regular Vikings crossed with Space Pirates. If a Space Viking were a contestant on "Match Game", he'd win, because he'd answer every question with "YOUR DEATH!" * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:33:30 -0500 > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > [from film.guardian.co.uk, an article about Stanley Kubrick's home life] > > -> > > -> [...] > > -> > > -> but then I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Eyes > > -> Wide Shut, the way the words "CRUISE, KIDMAN, KUBRICK" flashed > > -> dramatically on to the screen in large red, yellow and white > > -> colours, to the song Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing. Had the words > > -> not been in Futura Extra Bold, I realise now, they wouldn't > > -> have sent such a chill up the spine. > > > > this all makes a terrible kind of sense. > > And he would have died if he had ever glimpsed my secret private font > of Futura Extra Extra Extra Extra Bold! It's a spine-shattering font > more terrifying than the Tingler and Percepto combined! Bruce Utting (whose name I misspelled "Bryce" when quoting him, sorry about that) was making the assertion that I was either Stanley Kubrick, or at least Stanley Kubrick's evil twin. "The Tingler" was a William Castle movie where Vincent Price takes the first on-screen LSD trip ever shown in a reputable motion picture like that, releasing a creepy-crawly caterpillar-like thing from his spine. It then jumps onto other people and crushes their spines. The movie's gimmick was that the only way to keep the Tingler from snapping your spin was to scream at the top of your lungs. The film was originally presented with "Percepto", a technique which involved (a) William Castle explaining to the audience that the movie would kill them if they didn't scream, (b) people planted in the audience to scream in your ear at random, and most importantly, (c) little gadgets on the legs of the theater seats to tickle your ankles during the scene where Vincent Price let The Tingler loose into THE VERY SAME MOVIE THEATER THAT WAS SHOWING "THE TINGLER"!!! If "Match Game" had been presented this way, it never would have been cancelled. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 23:58:41 -0500 > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were > > > in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from > > > International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! > > > > So faggy it's VIRILE! > > Uh-oh, I'm going to tell Mr. Garrison you said the f-word without > getting bleeped. I think we just learned something about you. This was referring to the "South Park" episode where Mr. Garrison demonstrates that he can say "fag" without getting bleeped and nobody else can, except for Officer Barbrady, WINK. Incidentally, what's the deal with that stuff in his ear? How come they've never done an episode dealing with Barbrady's one-sided ear wax problem? It would take about eight pounds of ear wax to render an ordinary person as uncomprehending as Brett Somers. Also it would have to be in their brain, not their ears. > Hey, Mark, did you MOW the lawn today? Do you like to MOW the lawn? > MOW? Get it? MOW? Didja get it, or didja MOW it? This is just a callback to fourth grade. Fourth grade, incidentally, was the target audience for "Match Game". > > > But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance > > > sale. [...] The brand is "Destroy". > > > > "Destroy" is the user instructions. > > One-third of them. The pamphlet says "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" This is, as usual, a reference to Conan O'Brien's favorite "Lost In Space" episode, in which "a super android" named "IDAK" ("Instant Destroyer And Killer") runs around yelling "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" Gene Rayburn, on the other hand, had cranial plates which made him look like he was about to yell "RRRR! FIRE HOT! TROG SMASH!" > They also sell a shampoo which is "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Repeat! > Dilute! OK!" Dr. Bronner's wacky hippie soap has traditionally had lengthy rants about religion and hygiene on every label. The directions always end with "DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!" When Brett Somers was washing her hair (after she took it off), she mistakenly diluted the shampoo so much that she also diluted her brain. Poor self-diluted Brett. > Thankfully, those instructions are easier to follow than the competing > brand of shampoo, where the directions are just "Repeat!" "Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat." is the canonical shampoo-bottle direction to gently inform consumers that they should always waste lots of everything they buy. "Match Game" was frequently sponsored by "Head & Shoulders", which is odd given that most of the celebrity panelists wore wigs. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Big Big Boots (was: Grocery Store News for Kibo) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:31:52 -0500 > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > [...] You should instead start thinking up responses to the > > following statements that you'll frequently encounter when you've > > achieved the freakishly tall stature you crave: > > > > How tall are you? > > You're pretty tall. > > Do you play basketball? > > Did you know you're tall? > > I'm expecting more like > > "Hey, where are the construction worker and Indian?" Village People reference. The Village People were never on "Match Game", probably because having them on the same game show as John "Bowzer" Bowman from Sha Na Na might have been too much male leather, unless they also added Diana Rigg. Now _that_ would have made the show good. Okay, here's the new "Match Game" cast: Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the new Village People, Bowzer from Sha Na Na, Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman as Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill", Freddie Mercury, and me as host. And as the network censor to punish people who say anything naughtier than "TINKLE!", some huge guy with a whip. > and > > "Hey, Tom, go back to Finland!" "Tom Of Finland" was the pseudonym of a guy who did lots of drawings of people who looked a lot like Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the new Village People, etc. There was no version of "Match Game" in Finland. They tried. They did an exhaustive search and found the local Brett Somers Of Finland, but then she proved to be too slow to be able to write simple Finnish words like "Kaakkaakkaallaakkaallaakkaallaa" on a card in under thirty minutes. > [...] > > and > > "Is it codpiece burn?" > > Whoops, that last one's from something else. It's the line that got > me a free T-shirt when I sent some postcards to the "Mystery Science > Theater 3000" "Pick The Wisecrack" contest several years ago. The movie in question was Bert I. Gordon's medieval epic "The Magic Sword", with one of the guys from "2001". Nobody from "Match Game" ever went medieval. However, Brett Somers has fond memories of that era. > Anyway, I'm still prepared to shout "Step off, TINY!" at a moment's > notice if you give me guff. Especially if you're not a biker either. > > -- K. > > Double especially if you're > a drunken George Takei. George "Sulu" Takei did not seem especially drunk when Gary Faga called him "tiny" in "Star Trek III: The Search For Spock". Mr. Faga was also the first guy to get a Vulcan Nerve Pinch in a "Star Trek" movie, as the airlock technician in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". Nobody was visibly drunk in that movie, although Walter Koenig's book "Chekov's Enterprise" reports that hash brownies were popular on the set. William Shatner appeared on "Match Game" once or twice around the time when he was in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" -- the period when he had the same hairdo as Sluggo's girlfriend. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Starting the kids early > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:10:51 -0500 > > Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Heard about this on the news today: http://www.queerday.com/ > > > > -> North Carolina school locks up gay kids' book King and King > > -> > > -> A school committee in Wilmington, North Carolina, has decided to > > -> restrict access to a children's book about a prince who falls in > > -> love with another prince. > > [...] > > They made a movie of "King And King", but it had this total rip-off > of the "seaQuest" theme music. John Debney, composer of the "seaQuest" theme music, just may have been inspired by the theme music from "King Of Kings", a movie about Jesus (starring Jeffrey Hunter, the first captain on "Star Trek".) Mr. Debney went on to compose the music for Mel Gibson's movie about Jesus, but I haven't seen it because I don't like "seaQuest". Nobody from "Match Game" was ever nailed to a cross, dammit. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:17:33 -0500 > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the > > > pupil of the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't > > > been paying attention in class, and two, you're going to be > > > _very_ disappointed." > > > > Was that Miss McKenzie? > > Okay, you win! I don't get it. > > But at least I'm not disappointed. I really, seriously, don't get it. Who was Miss McKenzie, and what did she have to do with "Match Game"? * * * * * [continued next article] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:32:31 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just like I don't know why anyone other than me likes "Match Game". > > Completely unfair. I grew up on "Match Game" in all its strange > forms, whether it be the tame daytime game or the slightly naughtier > night time version, whether the saucy redhead was Fannie Flagg or Marilu > Henner, whether the bimbo seat was filled with Eva Gabor or Debralee > Scott. I've worshipped every episode where Patty Duke narrowly escapes > a mental breakdown, where Adrienne Barbeau made a complete ass of > herself, and where Brett Somers got a little too friendly with Anson > "Stop Calling Me Potsie" Williams. > You still win, Mr Smartyleatherpants, but I will not allow you to > claim to be the only one who likes "Match Game". I didn't say you _didn't_ like it. I was implying you _shouldn't_ like it. Because anyone who likes "Match Game" has a withered head, unless they're me. > > Sadly, they did not make it into a TV show with Brett Somers and > > Charles Nelson Reilly, because I would have loved to have seen them > > bickering over a game of "Cootie". > > Agreed. As long as it was bickering in the past, because the sad, > flaccid bickering from the 1980s version of "Match Game" when Brett > Somers was unable to talk was just unbearable. That 1989-ish "Match Game" was horrid, but then there was the 1999-ish one which was, I hope, the final one. Around 1989, there was not only a "Match Game" revival with an elderly Brett Somers, but also a "To Tell The Truth" revival with elderly Kitty Carlisle, and some guy named Bob Barker was on "The Price Is Right". It was a time when all game shows were hosted by living fossils, unlike our modern era where game shows are hosted by Regis Philbin, Bob Barker, and Donny Osmond. (Or as you might know him from the first episode of "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", "Donzie".) > > [...] > > > > the [drunk] guy who played "Frank" on "Electrawoman & Dynagirl".) > > Speaking of which, I watched "Electrawoman & Dynagirl" Saturday night, > and have finally discovered the show that is entirely responsible for > the fact that I am completely fucked in the head. While I watched the > show religiously as a small child, I failed to remember that > Electrawoman was Deirdre Hall, that the cast included people who were > most famous for "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls", and that Dynagirl > added "electra-" as a prefix to every word she uttered. > Electracrap. You'd have to be electradrunk to get through an episode. Or possibly electratarded! > > [...] > > > > If "Match Game" had been presented this way, it never would have > > been cancelled. > > It never *was* cancelled. No, it wasn't. LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU. Okay, that's going to be a rule for when I host the kinky new "Match Game". Whenever a contestant says something really stupid, I'm going to lean in really close, R. Lee Ermey style, and bellow "I CAN'T HEARRRR YOUUUUUU!" until they yell out the incredibly stupid answer at the top of their lungs, and then I'll put my hands over my ears and yell "LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU." Then they'd be tarred and feathered, unless they were really stupid, in which case they'd be tarded and feathered. Then the real R. Lee Ermey would show up and make them do push-ups until blood came out of their ears. The contestant who bled to death the first would then be declared the winner! The prize would be five dollars. -- K. And the theme music would be played on a musical saw. Specifically, a musical chainsaw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:20:32 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] "Ameba Tag" involves walking around changing "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA!" > > and grabbing other people. I am not making this up. > > Wow, that's even more disappointing than I thought, even if "changing" > really isn't a typo for "chanting." I thought you were just using an > alternate name for one of my little sister's favorite games, Amoeba, > which is a reverse variant of Hide and Seek. One player hides, and as > the other players find him they all squash into the same hiding place. It wasn't a typo, it was a bug in my spell-checker software. I have half a mind to go to the store where I would have paid for this program if I hadn't pirated it so I can tell the Micro Center salesman to pass my criticism along to Bill Gates who wrote the program! > If they played Amoeba on Match Game, when Brett Somers OR Charles Nelson > Reilly was "It," everyone would lose. I think Charles only played that version of Ameba during his boat parties. Women were not invited, and neither was Brett. Has anyone ever told Brett that, as a female impersonator, she should have picked a less masculine name? > > Okay, here's the new "Match Game" cast: Glenn from the Village > > People, Eric from t