From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tell Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 00:46:47 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > Wonderful. I never realised before that Satan used a Hello Kitty > > > bubble-pipe. > > > > It wasn't a Hello Kitty bubble pipe. It was a reasonably realistic- > > looking plastic pipe (maroon with beige trim) with a representational > > image of a domestic cat's face on the front in bas-relief. Hello Kitty > > hadn't been invented back when I had this pipe. > > I bet kibo stole it from Flaming Carrot, which is why he got captured by > aliens. This was circa 1971, so I don't think Bob Burden had invented Flaming Carrot yet -- he was still just doing stuff like nailing himself to the hoods of Volkswagens. But then he drove a thousand thumbtacks into his skin on a dare, and suffered permanent brain damage, and started drawing comic books. > I'd also like to mention that I'm genetically incapable of pronouncing > kibo's name right, but Tyler did it immediately When Tyler caught you mispronouncing my name, did he burn the back of your hand with lye? That's how he taught me. -- K. I loved the taste of bubble soap, but only in that pipe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:16:51 -0400 HPMgourmet (HPMgourmet@wheresthespam.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > today (on my way from the drugstore to the supermarket) I passed a > > sign saying: > > > > KRISPY KREME > > > > OPENING IN 12 DAYS > > > > > > Okay, now we have twelve days to come up with a plan for what I can > > do to make all the jolly idiots waiting in line to be the first ones > > Perhaps you could show up with a box of DogNuts cleverly obtained at > another KrispyCreme store and kept warm byt storing them beside the engine > of your car. Then drop by munching a dognut and say "O, they are giving > them away 'round the back" That's a good one, especially because it would be a _long_ walk to the back of the Prudential Center plaza. (It's a 60-story skyscraper and several 25-story-ish apartment towers on top of a shopping mall and a maze of twisty little underground passages, all smelly.) So today I went to my other local supermarket, the smaller, closer, pricier one in the oddly-shaped building with the escalator that always gets me compliments on my leathers. Total score today: one person on that escalator complimented me on my leathers (twice!) and asked where I got the pants, one person on the street in Central Square complimented me on my leathers in passing, one person in the drugstore complimented me on my orange hair and said her cousin had the same color (I didn't ask if she also had a purple beard), and one crazy wino in Central Square yelled something inarticulate about my orange hair. (There's this one bench that always has three surly drunks on it, right in the middle of the half-block between the fetishwear store and the art-supply store.) So my total score for today: 3 with an asterisk. At the art-supply store I cleaned out their supply of little screw-top plastic bottles so I can keep some hot sauce on me for emergencies. Unfortunately, "their supply" was just two bottles, and only in the tiny half-ounce size. They're small enough that I couldn't get any of the thick yellow sauce into them, so I just filled them both with red sauce, so I'll probably have to refill them after each use. I could just push my way past the line to be the first person into Krispy Kreme and squirt hot sauce all over the doughnuts. But probably two or three percent of the people in line would like that, and they'd follow me home, but I don't want any new pets that I'd have to keep feeding sticky doughnuts. -- K. I like pets that I don't have to feed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:05:08 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > I've received catalogs about freeze drying your beloved, deceased > > dog before. > > When you buy a lot of dog stuff you get put on every canine > > catalog in the world. > > Have you looked into mummification? > > http://www.summum.org/mummification/pets/ > > I hadn't been to their web site in a while... I don't think I've been there in a while either, not since I put up my crappy little page of links for the first version of my Web site six or seven years ago. Summum was filed under "non-erotic mummification". I put the links up, almost all of them rotted within six months, therefore I felt no additional urgency to update them after one, two, three, or seven years. Honestly, I'm surprised _any_ of them still work. Nobody keeps Web sites up, and in the same place, for seven years! Except me. I WIN! > I have no words to describe the incadescent beauty of the following: > > http://summum.kids.us/ > > Particularly, Mummy Bear! > > http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/ > > Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. > > Do you like Mummification? I sure do. I think it's cool. > Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at > Summum do. Oh. I do need to revise my links page, at least to delete "non-erotic". I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion I've already met them. -- K. Now, let's take the wraps off 2004's exciting new DANCING BEARS OF MUMMIFICATION! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 01:47:42 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm on the train so I can't get on the Web to look at Mummy Bear > > and his friends right now, although I have a sneaking suspicion > > I've already met them. > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.". No, > _really_. I am -afraid- to use the search-for block at the left... Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] -> -> Springies: On Off Change Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. (And that was the last moment of non-exposure to stupidity I had for the next two hours as I worked my way through the site...) -> Mummy Bear -> -> Hi everyone! My name is Mummy Bear and this is my homepage. -> -> Do you like Mummification? I sure do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear says he likes mummification without mentioning sex, implying that he likes mummification better than boring old sex. -> I think it's cool. Actually, it usually gets pretty sweaty. Requires lots of Gatorade. -> Especially the new Modern Mummification that my friends at Summum do. WINK!!! as Mummy Bear asks, "Hey kids! Do your friends 'do' mummification?" -> I'm going to go on an journey to unlock the secrets of Modern -> Mummification. Would you like to be my friend and come with me? WINK!!! as Mummy Bear's spell-checker changes a word to "come". -> Yes? Then let's go exploring WINK!!! as Mummy Bear lubes up his Doc Johnson Anal Explorer. -> by clicking the links on the left. We'll go on an adventure, -> and together we'll learn new things and have some fun!! WINKETY-WINK-WINK!!! Now I'll "click" the "links" with my "mouse" to "learn" about Mummy Bear's personal history... -> 26486 BCE -> -> A small, fluffy, bear is born in Atlantis. His name is Ankh Amon. AND THEN HE DIED!!! -> Prince Ankh Amon. But then he changed his name to a picture of an ankh captioned "The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Ankh Amon." -> 26393 BCE -> -> Bear Ankh Amon grows up to be crowned king. Gosh, life must have sucked back then, when puberty lasted for decades. -> He is a compassionate and lovable king. HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!!! -> 26260 BCE -> -> King Ankh Amon grows to be very old and very wise. -> He dies and is mummified. At age 226, wouldn't he technically have become a mummy well before he died? -> Thousands attend the 77 days of his Transference. -> It is not a time of mourning, but a time of celebration. People will conveniently ignore the fact that a toy teddy bear can't technically "die" because they're not even alive, if it means they can have a 77-day holiday-slash-orgy and party until the continent sinks. -> 10500 BCE -> -> The scientists of Atlantis predict an asteriod will hit the Earth near -> Atlantis and destroy things. Oh no! Once the ass-tear-ee-odd hits Earth, things will be dee-stree-odd! -> The caretakers of Atlantis move Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform far away to -> Egypt so it will be safe. Yeah, save the dead bear and nothing else from your entire civilization. Good plan, imaginary idiots. -> 9001 BCE -> -> An asteriod hits the Earth near an uninhabited Atlantis... Wait, wait. SCENE MISSING! Did all the Atlanteans die from teddy bear cooties or something? -> ...it causes big earthquakes and Atlantis sinks to the bottom -> of the ocean. -> -> Asteroid picture is courtesy of Nasa and artist Don Davis. -> It is used only for illustration. Oh, good to know you guys are thinking about the psychological needs of your visitors who might be too stupid to understand that illustrations are illustrations and not actual doomsday rocks shooting out of their computer screens to kill them. -> 2560 BCE -> -> Ancient Egyptians build the Great Pyramid of Khufu (Cheops). -> -> Mummification has been practiced in Egypt for more than a thousand years. "They practiced it for a thousand years, but WE got it right! Our space-age freezers can preserve any dead teddy bear!" -> 1922 -> -> Howard Carter, an English archeologist, discovers and opens King -> Tutankamun's tomb. -> -> Photo courtesy and copyright of Griffith Institute, Oxford -> http://www.ashmol.ox.ac.uk/Griffith.html I heard that James Dean was wearing a full suit of Space Egyptian Armor under his clothes when he got into a knife fight there. -> Mysterious guardians of Bear Ankh Amon's mummiform are afraid -> Howard and his archeologist friends might find it also. They are -> not supposed to find it. So the guardians move Bear Ankh Amon far -> away to a new, secret location. Is it... THE INTERNET? -> 2003 -> -> A young girl named Cora is told to draw a mummy for school. -> She doesn't like the mean, scary mummies. That's why Mummy Bear is better than her, because he REALLY LIKES mummies. She's just a bigoted mummiphobe! -> She draws hers in the shape of a bear. The kids in her class -> laugh at her. They tell her there are no such things as bear mummies. This is going to lead to one weird show-and-tell session. -> But, Cora doesn't listen to them because she is listening to a -> sound in her ears. A sound that started as soon as she finished -> drawing her mummy bear. And, kids, if you've read this far, you too are now LEGALLY INSANE!!! -> 2004 -> -> A very smart young boy is reading a book called SUMMUM: Sealed -> Except to the Open Mind. Wait, that spells "SETTOM", not "SUMMUM". -> It's a philosophy book that he really likes. He also likes reading the phone book. Little Billy is hooked on Thorazine. -> He discovers a code in the book. He breaks the code and it turns -> out to be GPS coordinates. Yeah, the ancient Atlanteans used those for everything. Also, they invented TiVo. -> The smart boy has a GPS unit he got for his last birthday. He tells -> his four friends that he's lucky to even have four friends. -> about the secret code he found and they go searching for the -> coordinates. The coordinates turn out to be in the woods not -> too far away. Little Billy then discovers what mummified bears do in the woods. -> As they close in on the coordinates, they come upon an underground -> sanctuary. What they discover will change their lives... WINK!!! Little Billy becomes the bear's "forest bride"! Once you go bear, you'll never shave your chest hair! -> The Mummy Bear Adventures begin! Oh dear god, there's more. -> The Mummy Bear Adventures -> -> Keep watching here for the adventure to start. Hell is being wrapped in inescapable mummification, forced to stare at a forever-unfinished Web page until it's finished. -> While you're waiting you can get to know the characters! Click Here. No. You people are a bunch of hideous deformos. Especially the token black Mr. Potato Head kid. (According to the page about that mutant, his name is "Jael", and "He doesn't have many friends". I think he grows up to be the writer of a site about Mummy Bear. Worse, an unofficial site.) Okay, on to the second button on the page, "Comic Strip". Hey, that goes to the same thing I just looked at, of the picture of the Deformed Squad and their miniature, deformed bios. Let's go on to "Poems & Songs". -> Poems... -> -> Mummy Bear Prayer -> -> Now I lay me down to rest -> I leave this life, I've done my best. -> -> Please clean my body, head to toe -> Wrap me up and make me whole. -> -> Then as my spirit body roams -> I'll have a place to call my home. -> -> My body that I lived in here -> Will still be there, no need to fear. -> -> Forever now I'll feel so blessed -> To have a place my soul can rest. -> -> Amen. What do I think of that happy little doggerel? BETTER CALL A PLUMBER, BECAUSE THAT SHIT WON'T FLUSH! -> Me and My Mummy Bear -> -> Me and my mummy bear -> Have no worries, have no cares -> 'Cause me and my mummy bear -> Just play and play all day. -> -> He's wrapped up so pretty -> And I can unwind -> His neat little ribbons, -> And then I find - -> -> His tummy comes open -> And what do I see? -> Special little organs that -> Belong to you and me. -> -> I wash them all off -> So he can be clean -> Then put them back in -> And do up his seam. -> -> Then just like a mummy, -> I wrap him up tight -> Then I cuddle him close -> And hold him all night. From "The Marquis De Sade's Big Book Of Fun For Boys And Girls And Vivisection." -> The Child's Questioning -> -> Child: 'What happens to the caterpillar, as he sleeps in his cocoon? -> Does he go away? Does he disappear? Does he hide inside his room? That one's rather long, so I won't quote the rest of it. The other reason I won't quote the rest of it is that it's a lot worse than the previous two gems. -> ...and Songs -> -> After you click each link, be patient and the song will start playing. NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HARE KRISHNA BRAINWASHING CHANTS, RAPPING MUMMY BEAR! I HOPE SNUGGLES BUSTS A CAP IN YOUR ASS! -> Center Flow -> -> Mummy Bear discovered the best place to be in the stream of life -> is in the center where the flow is gentle. Here is one of his -> favorite songs. It's called "Center Flow." It's about menstruation, except he doesn't call it that, he calls it "personstruation" when he sings it at Lilith Fair. -> Devi's Doubt -> -> One of Mummy Bear's favorite stories is about Shiva and Devi -> who are best friends. Shiva has learned many things and he tries -> to share with Devi the things he knows. But Devi has alot of -> questions, so she sits with Shiva and listens to him. This is a -> song about Devi. This is the sound of me clicking my browser's "Back" button. The next link is "Games". What fun and exciting educational games about propaganda about why we should keep dead pets on our mantels will we discover within this site's boundless cornucopia of wonderful wonderment? -> Mummy Bear Games -> -> Bandoogle -> From the dimension of Bandoogly, Winky the Game Master dares you -> to play Bandoogle. WINK!Y!!! Okay, I am now officially tired of typing "WINK!!!" every time Mummy Bear says something totally gay. -> Coloring Book -> Come and color Mummy Bear and other Mummy Images Noted without comment: One of the images is a dead dog captioned "Butch". POOR SPOT!!! -> Create Your Mummy Bear -> Create and dress up your Mummy Bear using the Mummy Bear Maker. Hey wow! Can we finish drawing the Web site's comic book adventure for you too? -> Mummy Butterflies -> Can you catch the butterflies? No, because I'm too smart. I can't make my hand click on that link. Oh, hell, I'll just use my toe to try it. Loading the Mummy Butterflies game... -> Mummy Butterflies... -> Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. -> Click on the Butterflies. What butterflies? Why did I get an alert box asking me to pick a number from 1 to 10? Why am I staring at an empty window? Even if there were any butterflies to click on, what would be the point? WORST GAME ABOUT NON-EROTIC MUMMIFICATION FOR CHILDREN AND TEDDY BEARS EVER!!! Oh, no, there are more items on the site's menu. -> Mummy Jokes -> -> Welcome to Mummy Bear's page of Mummy Jokes. -> -> Click on a joke to tickle your funny bone! I was about to scream "PLEASE KILL ME!" but I don't want these dorks to wrap my corpse in a Seal-A-Meal bag or whatever my life's savings would be wasted on. -> Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: To the dead sea! It's nice that there's a "Give Up?" button I can click to see the funny, funny punchline. Too bad there's no "Throw Up!" button for afterwards. -> Q: Why was the mummy so tense? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: He was all wound up. No, he was too tense because he was made from canvas from a teepee and a wigwam. BURRRRRRN! -> Q: Why couldn't the mummy come outside? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was all wrapped up! Hey, cool! I bet that's the best riddle about the word "wrap" ever! I'm glad they chose to use that one instead of something lame like "What's a mummy's favorite musical genre? Wrap!" -> Q: What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Wrap!! HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. -> Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are afraid they will relax and unwind. SWEET MUMMY JESUS, I JUST READ AHEAD, THERE ARE THIRTY MORE "JOKES"! ABORT! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL! -> Q: What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Any old girl he can dig up! AUGH! STOP! -> Q: Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 1000 years? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he thought he was old enough to leave home! NEXT TIME I GO TO A WEB SITE LIKE THIS, I'M GOING TO READ THE "TERMS & CONDITIONS" PAGE TO MAKE SURE IT HAS A SAFEWORD!!! -> Q: Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because their daddies were mummies! Both of them? -> Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They are good at keeping things under wraps. WAAH!!! PLEASE MAKE THE JOKES STOP!!! ALSO THESE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING JOKES THEY'RE FUCKING RIDDLES YOU FUCKING FUCKETY-FUCKS! I HOPE YOU DIE AND GET WRAPPED IN BACON AND THEN THROWN INTO A HOT PAN UNTIL YOU'RE MUMMI-FRIED! -> Q: How do mummies hide? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: They wear masking tape. EVEN A TODDLER KNOWS THAT MASKS DON'T MAKE YOU "HIDE", YOU FUCKETY-DINKS! -> Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Because he was coffin. MUMMIES DON'T HAVE COFFINS, ONLY DRACULAS DO, YOU FUCKETY-FUCKLEDUCKS! -> Q: What is a mummy's favorite music? -> -> Give Up? -> -> A: Ragtime. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CONTRADICTORY JOKES THAT AREN'T EVEN JOKES!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! ERROR! ANALYZE... ANALYZE... ANAL... *** INSERT EXPLODING HEAD HERE *** Okay, my head exploded after "joke" #12. So I will skip #13 to #36. Well, okay, I'll show you #36 just to prove that I'm not lying when I say that they actually put the best twelve first: -> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? -> -> Father : No. Why do you ask that? -> -> Son : Well, then where did you get mummy? THAT'S NOT A JOKE, IT'S A SKETCH, YOU FUCKETY-FUBBLEGOOBLERS! ALSO IT'S A SKETCH WITH NO FUCKING JOKE IN IT!!! Whew. That's the end of the "Jokes" section. And now, the final section: -> Parents and Teachers -> -> Summum makes a Mummy Bear teddy bear available for kids to enjoy -> and learn from. The lovable Mummy Bear comes in two versions: -> the Original Mummy Bear and the Anatomical Mummy Bear. WINK--oh, forget it. Just fucking forget it. I hate you. -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. If you are interested in obtaining -> a Mummy Bear teddy bear for your children, please visit: -> -> http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear -> -> If you have any questions, you may contact us at: -> -> mummification@summum.org Oh, how quaint. A Web page by someone who hasn't learned that they can make LINKS to other Web pages instead of just printing the address you have to type in yourself. (Nothing on that page is clickable, including the "link" to the ordering page.) But I am clever and brainy and I will manually enter "http://www.summum.org/ordermummybear" into my Web browser to find out just how wonderful it isn't. -> The Original Summum Mummified Bear - $30.00 -> -> Open the un-bear-lievably soft cape, That would be so funny if I were Lori Lee Landi without all the smarts. -> unwrap the Mummy Wrappings and you will discover the one and only, -> Original Summum Mummy Bear(tm)! -> -> Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, super-soft shaggy -> fur mummified bear like no other. He's a fucking plain old two-dollar teddy bear wrapped in cheap toilet paper. -> Wrap your mummified bear from head to toe in 3" wide, 2' to 6' -> long, attached, flannel Mummy Wrappings pawfect for snuggling! Excuse me, cheap FLANNEL toilet paper. -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. Suitable for -> ages 3 years to 101. What a sweet way to remind grandpa he's about to die! -> The Anatomical Summum Mummified Bear - $75.00 -> -> Open Mummy Bear's tummy and you will see Mummy Bear's insides. -> And you can take them out! Kids just love it!! Doesn't sound as much fun as taking the kids to watch the Easter Bunny get whipped and crucified. -> Anatomical Mummy Bear(tm) is an 18", caramel colored, -> super-soft shaggy fur mummified bear like no other. Wait, I thought the _other_ one was _also_ "like no other". -> Cuddly, cute, and beary huggable you'll be mummy pals fur-ever. -> -> 100% polyester fiberfill. Surface wash and air dry. Summum's -> anatomical mummified bear meets A.S.T.M toy safety standards. -> Suitable for ages 3 years to 101. -> -> Both Mummy Bears are hand made. Due to high demand, please allow -> 8 to 10 weeks for delivery. *cough* *cough* I think what they meant to say is, "Anyone who would DEMAND one of these bears would have to be really HIGH." -> Shipping & Handling is determined based on the amount of your order. -> -> -> AMOUNT OF ORDER S & H* -> --------------- ------ -> -> $ up to 19.99 $ 8.50 -> 20.00 - 39.99 10.50 -> 40.00 - 59.99 12.50 -> 60.00 - 79.99 14.50 -> 80.00 - 99.99 16.50 -> 100.00 - 119.99 18.50 -> 120.00 - 139.99 20.50 -> 140.00 - 159.99 22.50 -> 160.00 - 179.99 24.50 -> 180.00 - 199.99 26.50 -> 200.00+ email Um... hey, idiots, your bears are $30 and $75. Will you really charge me $8.50 shipping if I order half a stupid bear? Hey, cool, the order form allowed me to type in my own total price for the 99999999 bears I just ordered. So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? I looked at the stupid non-erotic mummification for kids and bears site. You should be receiving 99999999 in the mail soon. I wonder how many million weeks it will take to make them... -- K. I hereby swear that if my stuffed bear ever dies, I won't have him mummified. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:01:12 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Mummification is like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly." > > > > Okay, now I'm home, so I can go look at the site and you can stop > > teasing me about how kinky and perverted this site for children is. > > You know, the site that tells kids what to do with their dead pets. > > Yaaaay! I enjoy suffering for your happiness. However, your happiness makes me sad. But sometimes it's good to be sad so I'm happy you're happy but that probably makes you jealous now that I'm just as happy as you and I'm even happier that you're jealous and that makes me too happy which makes me sad so I hope you're happy that now I'm suffering in some manner so complex that it won't even fit in a run-on sentence. > > [From http://summum.kids.us/mummybear/] > > -> > > -> Springies: On Off Change > > > > Wuh? Whatever that is, it doesn't seem to work. > > I'm betting it's what causes the Wondertwin Dancing Trail Of Mummified Bears > power to activate or deactivate. ... Yep. > > ...Oh my: > > Click your Favorite Springy! > Pictures > œ œ œ œ > [these dots separate the heads of a mummified cat, rabbit, bear, what looks > like a mango with hair, and Piglet] Gee, now I'm glad that I wasn't able to click on a Springy Hairy Mango. So how was Piglet mummified? Was he stuffed with a spudge and then dipped in hunny and wrapped in a wet rag that someone left where his balloon used to be? > > [...] > > > > So, are you happy now, Mr. David DeLaney? > > Well, yes and no. I am gratified for what you've done with/to that > poor poor page, and have some more mental images to file safely away > from future generations... but any society in which Kibos are tortured > just to produce that most evanescent of genres, comedy, has far to go, no? You call this a society? My definition of "society" is "any civilization which does not permit children to learn about magical mummified teddy bears from Atlantis". This isn't a society, it's a lunatic asylum made from cotton candy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat my way out. -- K. So if they caught Cookie Monster eating the asylum and mummified him, what would his authentic Egyptian mummy name be? Umm-Numm-Numm! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 00:53:05 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Total score today: [...] 3 with an asterisk. > > How many points did you get on that one night when you and I were > wandering around my neighborhood (after Barnes & Noble had declared us > to be a couple) and you (or perhaps both of us) received a wolf > whistle from a passing car? Well, the woman in Barnes & Noble who wished us a pleasant evening of sadomaximal pervery doesn't really count, because there's no evidence that she was commenting me on my look (she could have just thought you looked really submissive) and the wolf-whistle doesn't count, because we don't know whether it was directed at me, at you, or just one of those people who just does that constantly all the time due to having a testosterone imbalance -- too much testosterone on the stupid side of their body. I'm scoring one point for anything like "Hey, great look, cool dude!" and a tenth of a point for "Eww! You look like Bozo, only funnier!" and five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. No points for "Do you ride a Harley?" or "What time is it?" or "May I please watch when you beat Joe Manfre with a Cinderella broom?" I'm really liking how, these days, when someone bumps into me, they say "EXCUSE ME!" real hurriedly. I haven't been out in my new Frankenstein boots yet but I suspect that those extra four inches are going to make people _really_ careful around me. It'll be like I'm a minor celebrity or cult leader or something. -- K. Or maybe just Big Bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:18:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > five points if I ever get a "HOLY SHIT!" followed by them running > > off to the horizon past Benny Hill, the Road Runner, and KITT. > > Perhaps I am cynical and jaded, but is there anyone who would really > be scared of seeing someone in leather in public? The people who live in Norman Rockwell paintings? Greeters at Wal-Mart? Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? Mary Whitehouse? Marty Angstrom? The guy from the cover of the first "New Yorker"? David Letterman back when he was on the goofballs? Lucy Ricardo? The high-school principal who freaked out over the kid's pink shoelaces? Davey and/or Goliath? > Besides my mother, of course, who is so desperately isolated that > insists she has never seen anyone with pink hair. Even though half > the female population under the age of 25 has had pink hair. I hope it's the half that eats! Wait, that didn't work at all. Let me try again. I hope it's the half that dyes! -- K. I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my pinball wizardry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twelve to doomsday. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 01:02:29 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > is there anyone who would really be scared of seeing someone in > > > leather in public? > > > > Chik-Fil-A executives? Ralph Malph? > > The first one is funny, because everyone knows Chik-Fil-A executives > don't exist. But the Ralph Malph thing just scares me. Ralph Malph? You're scared of someone with bright orange hair? Um, then I have bad news for you... > > I wore my big shoes all day but nobody once challenged my > > pinball wizardry. > > Please. You could beat Elton John up one side and down the other. > In fact, I wish you WOULD beat that pasty-faced, washed-up, has-been, > overstuffed, self-centered, acid-addled gremlin until he promises to > stop re-writing "Candle in the Wind" every time he has an emotion. But doesn't he get brownie points for singing a version of "Rocket Man" at least twice as good as William Shatner's? > Stacia > can I get Elton in Cornflower Blue? Oh god. I am living that movie. Or trying to. Problem is, I need a Helena Bonham Carter. Is she still busy playing tennis with some puppets shaped like robots made from common household objects? -- K. I'd settle for Helena Russell, but only circa 1964. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 20:49:30 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (setgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > So, what's your point? > > Poke. Poke, poke. Hey Kibo, I think we gots one what's wearing pants! Okay, you take his pants, and I'll get the jumper cables. > > I could quickly identify your reader too, but I won't. > > Who cares about it? > > You posted in a public forum about your choice of a news reader. You > have no cause to act surprised when that choice sparks public response. > Who cares about it, indeed? And speaking of Seth who still hasn't absorbed the Rules Of Discipline, Captain, you'll be interested in knowing the improvements I'm proposing for the Next Generation Internet. It's like Classic Internet except there are two extra buttons on your computer. One sends 600 volts directly to whoever wrote the message you're currently reading. The other sends 600 volts directly to the CEO of whatever company published the program you currently have open. I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. All we can do is harness all that electricity so that it can be used to punish miscreants instead of just using it to make virtual hamsters dance. Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. Thank god at least that damn dancing baby's gone forever. I think he grew up and killed himself. -- K. Wow, that's dark. But don't dwell on it, just hold Seth down while I put the jumper cables on him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Reader Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:44:28 -0400 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tried to think of a way to have a couple more buttons that could > > send candy to people who behave, but I abandoned that idea because > > it was stupid -- the Internet is made of electric shocks, not candy. > > That's what's wrong with the Internet. It _should_ be made of candy. > > I blame Al Gore. He did actually make the Internet out of candy, but President Clinton ate it. So that's why, the night before his assignment was due, Al Gore turned in a cheap shoddy Internet made from Capsela and Christmas tinsel. > > Oh, there should be a third button that just shocks whoever was > > responsible for "Hamster Dance", the craze of 1999 that still won't > > stop getting forwarded around the Classic Internet. > > That shouldn't be a button. It should just do it continuously. Could there at least be a placebo button (like the ones at crosswalks) we could press to _pretend_ we're causing the "Hamster Dance" person to writhe in agony, even though they're always writhing in agony? Please? -- K. One of my arms hurts, and I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 01:54:56 -0400 I bleached my hair and beard, and all the purple and red are gone, but traces of the orange remain, so my hair is now a sunny, shimmery goldenrod, sort of like if school buses were made of candy. With my hair this light and sunny, my medium gray eyes really stand out. This hair color is good if you want to see my eyes and not my hair. But since I have pale skin and dark clothes, I want the more colorful hair back after I spend one day the color of Five Alive. I'll leave it like this until tomorrow then try to get it the colors I want (red-orange on top, maroon beard.) That attempt will be made with a blend of Manic Panic shades Divine Wine and Infra Red for the beard, and for the hair, a blend of about 47% Tiger Lily, 47% Infra Red, and 6% Deadly Nightshade. (Approximately. I have not been measuring my concoctions on a Pantone-approved ink scale.) I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, see the Manic Panic color chart at http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on my hair it's a weak orange-brown. (That's why I've been mixing it with bright orange and a hint of purple to make reddish-oranges.) I've only really experimented with orange, red, and purple so far so I have no experience with the pink, yellow, green, or blue half of the spectrum. Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do what I'm told. -- K. Names I just made up for imaginary shades of hair dye: Teen Sex Romp Burger Joint Radium Pale Whatta Maroon Emperor Wasabi Bile! Bile! Bile! Glo-balt Pink For Straights Cattle Prod Urology Lab The Opposite Of Eggplant Axolotl Red Morning Whorey Nuclear Emission I call dibs on all these names, but if any cool hair-dye companies would like to use them, they may as long as I get a lifetime supply of all these beautiful colors. Except Pink For Straights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:13:19 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm through with Electric Lava for a while (I love how vivid and streaky > > it is, but it's too clowny and it fades through too many colors.) > > All those Insects that see in Ultraviolet scream ARRRGGGHHH. > > All those Kibologists who see in Ultraviolet GO HOME YOU MUTANTS !!!!1! Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it just now. If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you sure do look normal!" Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. -- K. Hooray for having evil clown hair! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:50:05 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today my hair is a bright red-orange, with a nice maroon beard with just > > a hint of magenta. Three people in one Home Depot complimented me on it > > just now. > > Having followed the saga of your ever-changing hair color with great > interest, I find myself considering cutting my hair very short and > changing the color the way you do (short so there won't be so much to > bleach and dye). I particularly liked the idea of shimmery goldenrod > hair. You get iridescent-looking effects when a different color starts growing in underneath, like the way most cats have a mix of long hairs of one color and short hairs of another color. It also helps if you mix two different dyes together, or put a new color on top of the old a week or two later, because that way one of the colors will fade faster than the other in the sun, so they outermost hairs will take on a different shade than the lower layers. I've been having nice results with my current mix of bright orange, dark red, and a hint of purple to make a rich red-orange. I don't like the crayon-color Bozo hair I'd get if I just used a single dye. > > If you have normal hair, nobody ever stops you and says, "Wow, you > > sure do look normal!" > > How would you know? They never did back when I was _completely_ normal. Today, when I was walking to the South End, I encountered not just one but two instanced of guys who tried to taunt me by singing "YMCA" as I passed. I always find it amusing that people think they're being insulting to _you_, not to themselves, when they get so proud of having almost figured out that, yeah, you're trying to communicate something really obvious with your clothes on purpose. I assume that if I had Bozo hair and a baggy blue Bozo suit and big red Bozo shoes and a honking Bozo nose, they'd point at me and say, "Ha ha! You look like A CLOWN OR SOMETHING!" Also, all those clueless dudes who don't realize there's more than one leatherman in the world think the lyrics of "YMCA" are this: "Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A..." Jeez, guys, learn a second bar. Or at least do the dance step that goes with the "Y-M-C-A" part. (It doesn't count if you just wobble in place like that new Tickle Me Elmo doll that sings "E-L-M-O" to that tune.) > > Oh, and on the subway, I did walk past someone whose eyes widened > > and he whispered "SHIIIIIT!" real loud, and when I turned around to > > look at him he was also turned around staring at me, so I'll count > > that as half of the "HOLY SHIT!" reaction I was waiting for. > > Are you keeping track of whether the reactions seem to be due to hair > color or leathers, or is it possible to differentiate? When they compliment me, it's always "I like that red!" or "Where did you get those leather pants?" (Today I got asked if I was afraid I'd be mugged for my leather pants. Um, yeah, whatever.) When people just stare in a freaked-out sort of way, I think it's the combination what does them in. I mean, a guy walking around in some leather is no big deal. (About a third of guys have leather jackets.) A guy with orange hair is no big deal. But what you've described as my "??? does not compute" look -- orange hair and complete leather outfit and nerd glasses and hat with flashing neon sign saying "dictatorial regime border guard" -- causes some people to glance at me and then be very careful not to step on my feet when they walk past. And a lot of women look at me and then flash me big smiles, as if I'm automatically flirting with everyone just because I'm stylin'. Basically, this is a better way to get stares, start conversations, make store clerks not ignore me, etc., than my previous look of the cop jacket and flashy hockey jersey. And the leather feels so good, man. So when it's not raining, I'm enjoying the "dress to impress" leather look. I'm not sure what I'll do this summer, since I refuse to go the leather-vest route (I like jackets, I have skinny arms) but until the weather gets a few degrees warmer, I'm going to continue being all leather. (Well, I'm wearing a T-shirt that's not made of leather. Leather T-shirts are expensive and probably not really practical. But I think I'm allowed to wear cloth between me and the leather for the parts of my body that get sweaty.) -- K. Basically, I'm being non-conformist in what would be a very conformist way in San Francisco, but on the East Coast you just don't see many leatherfolk. Must be something about the terrible weather. Oh, and the total suppression of human sexuality. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 15:49:36 -0400 E Teflon Piano (ETP@the-institute.firm) wrote: > > Also, does it strike anybody weird that Kibo doesn't want his pichur on > the innernet because he's afraid of being recognized in real life when > his incognito persona is a cheeto-headed leather-jockey? You're making an assumption, you big assumpter. I don't mind being _recognized_. I don't mind people knowing I exist. But I have lots of other privacy/harassment/stalking/fraud-related reasons why I don't want to have photos of me floating around the Internet. -- K. If you would like to make a police sketch, I can describe myself to you. But bear in mind that I have the "Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat" thing happening, so my description of myself might wind up being all hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:49:36 -0400 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you would like to make a police sketch, I can describe > > myself to you. But bear in mind that I have the "Man Who > > Mistook His Wife For A Hat" thing happening, so my > > description of myself might wind up being all hat. > > I don't see how this can be a bad thing. Please go on! Um... Okay. My head is sort of like Richard Moll's, only with hair and a completely different set of facial features, but I'm not sure which set is which because it's just this odd peanut-shaped silhouette with some face things all over it. And I'm not sure what color the hair will be an hour from now because I'm about to dye it purple or gold or red or something. Oh, and I have glasses, which are "Modern Tornado" color according to the tiny lettering on the inside. I have a cleft chin, but the cleft goes horizontally instead of vertically, sort of like Kirk Douglas without the dimple, but it doesn't matter because I have a beard of some sort, possibly a real one. My ears are on opposite sides of my brain, which is on the inside somewhere. Please let me stop doing this because it makes my brain hurt to think about my head. You're mean! You make my brain hurt worse than my new hat does! -- K. I wouldn't have that problem if Tom Of Finland had been from a country where people didn't have tiny little heads. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:21:06 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wouldn't have that problem [of a too-small hat] if Tom Of Finland > > had been from a country where people didn't have tiny little heads. > > If Toms of Maine merged with Tom of Finland, what shape do you think > the toothpaste tubes would be? I don't know, but I bet they'd stand up to a lot more squeezin' before the stuff came out. Do you squeeze from the middle or the bottom? And are you the sort of neat-freak who likes to put one of those little clampy things on yours? > No. Don't answer that. Hey, if Darth Vader married Ella Fitzgerald in Finland, what would he be? -- K. (besides drunk?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:36:28 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So when it's not raining, I'm enjoying the "dress to impress" leather > > look. [...] I'm going to continue being all leather. > > Kibo is murder. Oh, so what was I back when I still wore _fabric_ back when I was slaughtering whole families because their last names started with the same letter as the guy who cancelled "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? How come those mass murders don't count? They were just as good as all my other mass murders! ACKNOWLEDGE I'M A MURDERER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY PING-PONG BALL GUN! *pop* -- K. Karlo, you used to be cool! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:16:04 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ACKNOWLEDGE I'M A MURDERER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH MY PING-PONG BALL GUN! > > > > *pop* > > Stop that. No. > > *pop* > > Stop that. Never. > > *pop* > > Stop that. Not for _you_. > > *pop* > > Really. Cut it out. With the big knife or the little knife? > > *pop* > > Stop that. Uh-uh. > > *pop* > > Stop that. No way, Yves Tanguy. > > *pop* > > Stop that or I'm telling. Why don't you go tell Chaplain Kirk. > > *pop* > > MOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Baby. And that's not how you spell "uncle". > > -- K. > > Karlo, you used to be cool! > > I know. I stopped being cool about twelve or thirteen years ago, when > I first found this Internet thingy. It sucks the cool from you. It's > a cool sink. It's a black hole of cool. No cool can escape from its > event horizon. Not even cool photons. Not even cool neutrinos. And when the Internet sucks the cool from you, do you know where it goes? Me. I take it and collect it and rub it all over my body as part of my speed seduction technique to attract anyone I want instantly. Whoops, gotta go, Jack Black is ringing my bell with a cheeseless pizza. > I used to be cool. Had a band, wore a leather jacket and biker boots, > even had a '73 Honda 550 to go with. Dated girls who did fentanyl and > thought it was smack. Read Bukowski, drank too much bourbon, hung > out in dank dressing rooms in seedy bars, waiting for my turn to > sing loud, depressing songs on a stage made of plywood and duct tape, > changing my guitar strings while I got a handjob from a waitress. > > Yeah, I used to be cool. Now I clean spyware and pr0n dialers off of > PCs and write shell scripts to parse log files. > > I blame the Internet. Now hold that pose while Jack Black and I work you over with our Ping-Pong ball guns... now in stereo! We're gonna put you in the Gnip-Gnop machine! *pop* *pop* -- K. You read Bukowski? I read Szukalski. And without ever once cheating by looking at the pictures. I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 15:41:49 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For those who would like to suggest new color schemes for me, > > see the Manic Panic color chart at > > http://www.manicpanic.com/creamswatch.htm > > ...but bear in mind some of them don't come out right for me. > > For instance, Infra Red looks like a very deep maroon there but on > > my hair it's a weak orange-brown. > > [...] you can achieve the intended color IF you bleach out all > your own hair color first. I know, I've tried. But I have very dark hair, and of course there's a little yellow-orange dye that won't bleach out. Bear in mind that some of my hair, such as the beard, is very thick and can never be bleached solid white. I can get pretty close when there's no dye residue, but it's not easy. I think the main problem is that my jar of Infra-Red is actually weak -- it must have been in the store too long and light-faded, because the stuff is a golden-brown in the jar. I bought a second jar and it's a lot redder. Anyway, I like the interesting effects I get by stirring colors together, especially as the different dyes fade at different rates in different layers of my hair, so I'll probably keep making my own reds by mixing orange and purple in with the red. > (That's how they got those colors on the swatch displays.) Those > colors are all shown on pure white hair samples. I believe those are technically called "kapok". > Of course if you do bleach your hair first, I accept no responsibility > if it falls out. Even if it did years before you posted that disclaimer? > But if it *does* fall out, you can just buy a lot of lollipops and > go around saying, "Who loves ya, baybee"? I was thinking more "Tea! Earl Grey! Hot!" or perhaps "Khaaaaaaannnnn!!!!" > > Oh, and my eyebrows are staying brownish-black. Every bleach or > > dye product tells me not to use them on my eyebrows or I'll go > > blind (because people see out of their eyebrows) and I always do > > what I'm told. > > They're just trying to absolve themselves of all responsibility if you do get > some in your eyes. My sister does it anyway. If she jumped off the Empire State Building into a big vat of dye, would I follow her? > Of course, she's done some pretty stupid things in her life. So again, > take my advice with a healthy dose of sedatives. I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven other ways, so why would I need to dose myself? I mean, there are so many easier ways to make yourself unconscious. Some of them don't even require a baseball bat! -- K. I want a football bat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update, 2004-04-07. (Warning: boring.) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:04:19 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't do drugs. I get high or sedated in at least eighty-seven > > other ways, > > Next he'll be trying to tell us capsaicin is actually food, An entree, to be precise. > and carbon dioxide bubbles in the blood occur naturally. That's what happens if you have a Dr Pepper and then block a belch wrong. Don't ask what happens if you eat asafetida and then block a fart wrong. By the way, what's the _right_ way to block a fart? One of those little pillows stuffed with pine needles and a cross-stitch picture of a lighthouse? -- K. "asafetida" in Latin is "ferula", which is also a word for "whip", because the Romans tortured people with asafetida _without_ feeding it to them. Believe it... or not! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION LURKERS! Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:23:51 -0400 Mouschi (weavermjnospam@hendrix.edu) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I want all of you lurkers to post something before the end of the > > week. Why? Because I wanna know how many of you there are, for one > > thing. Also, I'm tired of reading the same old bozos here. > > > > Mostly, though, I want to see if I can make you cry. > > > > So come on! Join the circle, hold hands with the person to each side > > of you, and post something that will start to reveal the hot-buttons > > we can push to make you cry leik schoolgirl. > > Ha! Nice try, but Kibo already compared me to Woody Allen, inciting my (I > thought, anyway) well-hidden anti-semitism! And that was YEARS ago! A while ago, I considered converting to Judaism, especially because I like my local kosher supermarket. But I decided to go gay instead. With a big side order of kinky fries. > Good luck trying to find anything else in the hot-button department! I bet I could make you cry without even talking to you. Close your eyes and hold VERY still. -- K. The next scream you hear will be in the key of "EEEEEEEEE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New lanyard Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 05:13:33 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I got a new lanyard yesterday for my work ID card. The old lanyard was a > piece of blue cord; nothing special. But this new lanyard ... oh, it is > something to behold. It is thick, glossy, sleek; it is black and has the > red "Agfa" company logo stamped all over it. Oh, it is a fine lanyard. > > I am really deriving a great deal of pleasure out of this. I am really, really, REALLY about to go all Robin Williams on you if you don't stop enjoying having a lanyard that says "Agfa Agfa Agfa", unless you change it to "Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa Fucking Agfa". Fucking Agfa. I really derived a great deal of pleasure out of that documentary, "One Hour Photo". Too bad it didn't come out in 1997 so I could have yelled "Fucking Agfa!" at my local fucking Agfa guy when I still had that job. And I still can't eat Pringles Salt & Vinegar potato chips. Eeeeeeeyuk. > [...] > > I am also fully aware my life is a tragic farce. No, that was "Death To Smoochy". Uh-oh, does this mean that your job also requires you to wear a big purple foam-rubber suit while you prance around telling kids to use Agfa products? -- K. "Agfa" is an acronym for "Asomething Gsomething Fucking Agfa!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:06:19 -0400 Concerning a distressing Easter celebration... Professor Zamumba (dogwander@frostwarning.com) wrote: > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen it already. "if" I haven't seen it? Do you mean "seen it" as in "actually witnessed it in person", or "seen it" as in "vividly imagined it every night for the last 36 years"? 'Cause I could claim either and some people would believe me, mainly because they have no reason believe I _haven't_ been up to shenanigans with the Easter Bunny. But I did actually see the article on the newswire yesterday. I just didn't comment on it because I didn't think anyone else would be interested in an article about the Easter Bunny being flagellated. Also, the Easter Bunny is secretly married to Elmer Fudd. > -> GLASSPORT, Pa. (AP) - First, the Passion of the Christ. Now, the > -> torment of the Easter Bunny? > -> > -> It may not have been as gruesome as Mel Gibson's movie, but many > -> parents and children got upset when a church trying to teach about - -> Jesus' crucifixion performed an Easter show with actors whipping > -> the Easter bunny and breaking eggs. "I WOULD LIKE TO SMASH THEM!" Sorry. I just have that reaction to eggiwegs. > -> People who attended Saturday's show at Glassport's memorial stadium > -> quoted performers as saying, ``There is no Easter bunny,'' and > -> described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified. Followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were copyrighted by Paas, and then followed by a demonstration of how he would have been crucified if he were Stretch Armstrong, and then a demonstration of how he would have been disassembled and returned to his protective storage container if he were made of Legos. Nothing weird about that. It's only weird if you confuse depictions of subjunctive torture with depictions of actual torture! > -> Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the > -> program was inappropriate for young children. Ah, so she _admits_ it was appropriate for her. > -> ``He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,'' > -> Salzmann said. I want to know why four-year-old J.T. knows the word "whipped". Has his mommy been showing him flashcards to teach him the difference between "whip", "flogger", "cat", "strap", "tawse", "paddle", "switch", "cane", "blusher", and "spanking machine"? Or did little J.T. learn about whips in an earlier installment of Sunday School when he showed up five minutes late? Wait, is he the J.T. from J.T. Toys? If so, now I understand why he keeps giving me Tootsie Pops. > -> Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, > -> said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton > -> portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone > -> of irreverence. Not irreverence, but blasphemy! The Easter Bunny is the holiest symbol in the entire Cadbury-Paas-Nestle pantheon! This is as blashphemous as suggesting that Carvel's "Easter Bunny" cake is the same as "Cookie Puss" covered with a different color of Stucco! THE BIBLE DOES NOT SAY THAT COOKIE PUSS IS THE EASTER BUNNY WITH NEW SPACKLE, THEREFORE IT CANNOT BE TRUE! ALL PRAISE BE TO TOM CARVEL! (A gravelly, mucus-filled voice wheezes out "Amen.") > -> ``The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to > -> convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about > -> Jesus Christ,'' Bickerton said. I thought it was about free candy. Just like other Christian holidays, such as Halloween and Valentine's Day. > -> Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed > -> a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, Okay, this is the sort of phrase no good reporter would ever use. Mentioning "a self-mutilating woman" without giving us the "who", "what", "where", "when", "why", "how", and "photos" is poor journalistic practice. Anyone who's ever passed an English composition class will know: When describing something that horrified prudes, _show_, don't _tell_. > -> said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in > -> Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh. > -> > -> ``It was very disturbing,'' Norelli-Burke said. ``I could not > -> believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting.'' Then, she accidentally walked into a theater showing "Fight Club" and her brain exploded. Because of these incidents, that community near Pittsburgh passed a law saying that satire should not be in-your-face and obvious, but should instead only do very gentle, subtle psychic damage to fragile people. Satire should not be the blatant sort that makes people say "Eww! Satire! I noticed it!" because that just makes them complain about the propaganda while they feel all smug for noticing it. Satire should puzzle people who would otherwise go to reporters about stuff their kids saw involving cartoon rabbits, without them realizing where the disquieting feeling came from. John Cleese once said, "Some people are easily offended, and those people _should_ be offended." Especially if we get to watch. My feet hurt. -- K. I just added that last sentence to make this a proper inverted pyramid because I am committed to serious journalism. I bring you commentary on the most important news stories of our time, and also ones about flogbunnies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Easter Bunny Flagellated. Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:24:33 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Professor Zamumba > > > I think Kibo would be interested in this story, if he hasn't seen > > it already. > > I like the headline on this version: > > [from www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> "EASTER BUNNY FLOGGING NOT FUNNY" Paul Shaeffer wrote that headline! > And also this line: > > -> Some children cried when they witnessed the bunny bashing > > Only SOME children cried! The rest of them were well-adjusted and > ENJOYED the bunny bashing! As they should! Because bunnies are VERMIN! > And should be EX! VERM! I! NATE! ed. Is this the right time to ask whether bunnies are the only animals that wail exactly like human babies when you step on them? I need to know for this musical instrument I'm building. -- K. Explanation of one reference: There was an extended, rather tame "Saturday Night Live" sketch once where Paul Shaeffer played a medieval musician who kept using the word "floggin'" in place of "fookin'". Except that at one point he slipped up and quite clearly said "fucking", years before Charlie Rocket got the show taken off the air by saying "fuck". Paul Shaeffer will go down in television history as one of the first people to get away with saying the F-word on TV. Bless him! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:08:34 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > edges right now. LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs if you like spicy omelets. > I can't decide if it's a help or a hindrance when it comes to posting > in ARK. There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. The other is technically illegal. -- K. Damn Constitution, "cruel and unusual" yadda yadda yadda. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 23:18:16 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks [...] a little strained around > > > the edges right now. > > > > LET IT OUT! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! > > > > Plus it'll be a growth experience for the people you're Stockholming > > into quivering masses of jelly that want to crawl up and down you. > > Maybe they'll even bring you breakfast in bed if you treat them > > rough enough. Need me to come over and help? We'll need some eggs > > if you like spicy omelets. > > I don't think that death will be much of a growth experience for anyone. > Except those of us watching. But come over. With eggs. Death? Who said anything about death? Oh, sure, maybe you should make some of your victims _beg_ for death, but you shouldn't be so kind as to give it to them. Also, for some reason, I just got a craving for eggs, so tonight I went to the supermarket and bought a carton of instant liquid egg whites (the kind with the yellow dye) and made an omelet the lazy way -- I poured the stuff into a pie tin (lined with foil) and baked until it puffed up like that instant pudding that chased Woody Allen around while he was dressed like a robot, and it popped when I poked it with a fork, then I poured hot sauce over it and ate about four eggs' worth before I was officially sick of eggs for the next week. > > There is no help for posting to alt.religion.kibology. However, I do > > find that when I'm in a nasty, simmering bad mood, posting to a.r.k > > is one of the two best ways to release it for the good of society. > > Yeah, but society likes it when you go all fucko bazoo on ARK. I don't > quite know anyone well enough to terrify them into submission. It doesn't usually work that way. Unless you're talking about marrying them. -- K. (in extreme close-up, Kibo tilts his head 93 degrees to the left) You've never seen me go fucko bazoo. (pops a stick of gum in his mouth) RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!! Uh-oh, I swallowed it while I was overacting... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 00:01:22 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. > > > > I take it that the Easter bunny hasn't visited yet. > > If he does, he'll get the flogging of a lifetime. Now I know why I bought that bunny suit from Archie McPhee! Hooray! I'll be over at midnight! You have a Tyvek fetish, right? Can we play "microprocessor manufacturing facility owned by a dominatrix"? I mean, _somebody_ needs to invent that game for the good of nerds everywhere! > It wasn't *that* long ago that I was a churchy type, and you may > have read about what we do to Easter Bunnies. You're just supposed to bite their feet off so they won't hop away. Mr. Rogers once told me that he believed that when he was young and stupid. I think the subtext is that when he got older he realized that the proper thing to do was to bite their heads off first so they wouldn't watch you eat them. I don't know how Captain Kangaroo felt about eating rabbits. Or moose. Or Slim Goodbody's rump-roast-on-the-outside. Cookie Monster, on the other hand, would have no problem eating any sort of rabbit, even one made of fuzzy foam rubber. Yay for Cookie for having no inhibitions whatsoever, especially about eating inedible things. -- K. Can we play "Gimme cookie!" too? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Holy fuck I hate everything Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 20:11:11 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > I've been in a bad mood for weeks now. A nasty, simmering bad mood that > > wants to cook the world in a pot. I've been keeping it under control > > through repression and avoidance, but it's a little strained around the > > edges right now. > > Why repress a bad mood? Why avoid a bad mood? Exult in it and flame > everyone to crispy bacon and put mayonnaise on the bacon to get Kibo > in a bad mood too. uh, Mark, (a) I would never object to a shmear of mayo on my bacon. and (b) I *AM* IN A BAD MOOD! Now gimme my bacon or I'll put the shmear on you. -- K. That's a lyric from the hit song, "Butter-Knife Love". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 02:55:26 -0400 Burger King's really strange new Web site: http://www.subservientchicken.com I wonder how much they pay that guy. I did the obvious -- I told him to kneel, I told him to dance, I told him to play dead, I asked him to take his mask off (he shrugged), and so on. I assume it's a live underpaid guy and not some sort of artifical intelligence. It's obviously real video of some sort, and that Flash interface can't have a whole lot of canned video embedded in it. I suspect there may be some trickery going on where the "home" position is a loop. In other words, you only see live video of Mr. Chickenpants and his odd red leg garters when he's actually performing in regard to something you ordered him to do, and for the "idle" time you get canned video of him standing in the middle of the room. (There's a bit of a discontinuity whenever he returns to "home" position.) Actually, maybe I'm wrong to assume the actor's underpaid. He (or she) might be doing this as a labor of love. I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS! I guess the big question is whether he's ever performing live, or whether someone or something is playing canned clips when you order him to do something. If he's not a live person, they have a pretty comprehensive clip library. They seem to have multiple versions of some of the clips to keep it from getting repetitive. I ordered the chickenslave to "Pick up a sofa cushion" and he threw two cushions and a pillow at the camera, then spent some time straightening up. That wasn't quite what I commanded. So I told the Mr. Chickenpants, "Pick up a cushion but don't toss it" and got the same video. So these are recordings. Either they have a reasonably good Zork-like parser that can select which clip to play, or a human being somewhere is picking which clip to show when I type in something esoteric. Next experiment: I typed "Turn on the TV." and he turned around twice. I typed "Switch on your TV." and he didn't do anything. Difficult things, such as "Would you kill Ronald McDonald?" all get the same generic videos of him scratching his head or rocking back and forth. "Fllap your winngs" gets that too. So I will wager it's entirely automated (as we could have guessed given that doing this with a live human performer, or even a human operator, would be a little too cool for Burger King.) I wonder if there's an Easter Egg? Still, playing with Mr. Chickenpants just got a lot less fun now that I've determined that he's not performing live (it was an unlikely possibility, but it could have been done that way, and that would have been a lot cooler.) Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human chickenslave through the Internet. I gotta get me a Webcam. -- K. What would you have me do? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 00:35:09 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Burger King's really strange new Web site: > > > > http://www.subservientchicken.com > > I managed to REALLY IMPRESS two dudes at work who were looking at this > site and trying to decide if it was a live guy or not. I suggested > that instead of typing stuff into one computer, they could type > DIFFERENT STUFF in two computer and see what happened. > > They were impressed because of my scientific approach to the problem. I would have done the same, except that then I would have told the guys, "You're getting different results because the computers' clocks are set to different time zones." Then I would have pointed to the two computers and sung "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others" until they got as confused as humanly possible. Then I would have taken their wallets, broken their spirits, and ordered them to put on chicken costumes. > So, even though I am really behind in my ARK reading, you will be > happy to know that the hivemind is functioning properly and I did, in > fact, help enslave a chicken in a very scientific way. It would have been more scientific if you were wearing rubber gloves. Were you? If not, why not? -- K. And then I would have made my two personal chickenslaves fight, until one got pecked to the death. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:08:18 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ah, well, so much for my dreams of controlling a live human > > chickenslave through the Internet. > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. In a different thread, Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I wish Kibo would stop playing with his hair before it all falls out. > > You wish Kibo would stop bothering me with all of his hair and/or > lifestyle choices. No, that's my wish. See, Tom is one of these people who sits down with a pad of paper once every three months and makes those tough "lifestyle choices" such as, "I've been straight for the last zillion quarters. Should I stay straight, or is it time for a change just to break up the monotony?" Then he licks the pencil a while and makes his decision to not get recruited. Getting him to do manual labor, such as painting a wall blue, would probably be even more difficult than recruiting him, which is still the #1 item on the International Gay Conspiracy's Official Agenda: #1. Recruit Tom Kraemer during one of those vulnerable moments when he's licking the pencil before making his "lifestyle choice". #2. Teach all kids in elementary schools that they should help recruit Tom Kraemer. #3. In all schoolbooks, change the word "evolution" to "coming out". #4. Have the "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" guys tear down the entire country and rebuild it in a nice shade of fuchsia. #5. Make everyone listen to gay music, like Mozart. #6. Trick straights into buying from the International Male catalog, because everyone needs a backless jockstrap. #7. Put arugula in all salads. #8. Put "Star Trek" back on the air, but this time have Kirk and Spock kiss in every episode, not just that one from the third season. #9. Have every supermarket install an extra express checkout lane labelled "12 Items Or Less, Shirtless Men Only." And a 10% discount for each of the hankies in your back pocket. #10. Further obfuscate the names of gay bars to trick more straights into wandering in and staying forever. Because #4 mandates fuchsia, we'll know the recruitment efforts have finally managed to destroy Tom's heterosexuality when the International Gay Conspiracy's Pay-Per-View Hidden Webcam shows Tom refusing to paint his breakfast nook's wall blue. Of course, it is certainly possible to enslave straight guys on wacky Web cameras -- some straight guys just like enslaving other straight guys, nothing wrong with that, it just makes it kinkier -- but putting Tom on a webcam isn't on that list of the ten action items I was issued at the last meeting (in the employee cafeteria at International Male) so we'll have to get through with #1 through #10 before we even think of enslaving him. -- K. This is why I don't drink. I might accidentally make the "lifestyle choice" to go back to being straight. And then I'd have to start wearing cotton and stuff when I became a clothman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:09:30 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Use your Internet powers to trick somebody into standing in front > > > of a camera! I can see it now: "TOM KRAEMER! PAINT THE WALL BLUE!" > > > > I don't think he'd agree to that arrangement. > > Besides, I'm painting that wall of MY OWN FREE WILL. The walls are in your mind, man. If you had free will, you could walk through the walls. That's how Casper does it, and he doesn't need any clothes because he's freed his mind, man. And that's why he doesn't have any genitals either. Casper's so free that he doesn't care that he's a dead eunuch. Of course, he's still going to get reincarnated as something like a taxi driver's hemorrhoid doughnut as his punishment for appearing in a million comic books that were even less funny than "Little Archie". -- K. Other comic books less funny than any Archie product: "Little Dot" "Baby Huey" Jack Kirby's "2001" There are probably others, but I don't know about them, because they suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Enslave a chicken for science! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 03:54:44 -0400 I recently wrote: > > Burger King's really strange new Web site: > > http://www.subservientchicken.com For complete details on how the program's language parser has been reverse-engineered, see: http://www.boingboing.net/2004/04/08/subservient_chickens.html The list of keywords that the thing responds to is, um, heavy on the doodie words. There are about three hundred different clips it can play. I wonder how long it took them to come up with this list of almost everything people would want to order a person dressed as a chicken to do over the Internet. For instance, here are the trigger words for all the scenes involving the sofa cushions: -> 227. throw, pickup, pick up, pillows, pillow, cushion, cushions, -> rage, mad ,destroy, wreck, tantrum, temper, angry -> 276. look under, under, underneath, cushion, cushions, couch, -> spare change, lost, down there, no there -> 283. build, fort, house, cushions, pillow, lizstless, pillows, -> hide, bomb shelter -> 296. hit, head, pillow, pillows, cushion, cushions, punish, -> flagellate, masochist -> -> 297. hit, chair, armchair, pillow, pillows, cushions, trash, -> temper, tantrum, wreck, destroy -> -> 298. make out, makeout, make-out, pillow, pillows, cushion, cusions, -> kiss, hug, love, caress, hold, kiss me, love me, hold me -> -> 299. put, place, cushion, cushions, shelf, shelves -> 310. sandwich, chickensandwich, pillows, cushions, cushion, -> pun, floor, pile, tetris, chicken sandwich, chicken sandwich I swear I really did search the list to see if the chicken knew the word "Kibo". He knows "Village People", "Bill and Ted", (Johnny) "Depp", (Pat) "Morita", "Alan Turing", and (hockey player Jaromir) "Jagr". He also responds to "Crispin", which is presumably a reference to Burger King's ad agency (the suspiciously named "Crispin Porter + Bogusky".) Typing "Crispin" will get one of two clips of three ad wizards appearing behind the couch. (Of course, in many clips someone can also be barely glimpsed in the background to the right, since they didn't hide very well.) You can tell this is a Burger King production and not a KFC one because there is no mention of "Animal 57". I wonder if there was a board meeting at Burger King's ad agency to discuss the issue of whether or not the kinky chicken should wear that bright red garter belt: "This just doesn't seem _Internet_ enough." "I know! Let's put him in lingerie!" "You're a genius! An _Internet_ genius!" -- K. (Hire me!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick Subject: Re: Proposal: Waterloo Teeth Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:22:06 -0400 Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet_com.duh) wrote: > > Several friends of mine keep Kosher; some the year around and others > during this holy week. Can you give me a reason, can you, that they > should not have two sets of teeth, one for meat and one for dairy? I > thought not. The omnivorous bite can be done-away! Molars for mashing, > with only a few incisors for cutting stubborn vegetables for the latter; > for the former, a tongue-intimidating row or two of canines and other > sharpened teeth. You don't even have to be Kosher to recognize the > need-- anyone on Atkins? Dear Kurty, It is not a goody thingy to have the bodys of animals between your teethy . Do not kiss a girly who has the bodys of animals between her teethy . -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: BRAZIL! Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 14:37:17 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > I hope I have the right futuristic dystopia here. Although, I suppose > this could be "1984" rather than "Brazil": Wait, "Brazil" wasn't futuristic. It was only retro-futuristic. Also, it wasn't wholly a dystopia. Michael Palin's character seemed to be enjoying himself. > "The Guardian" [www.smh.com.au] wrote: > -> > -> When thousands of British National Health Service hospital patients > -> were offered television sets beside their beds as part of a deal > -> with a private company, it was billed as a triumph for the > -> Government's drive towards "patient power". > -> > -> The only problem, as the Department of Health has acknowledged, was > -> that patients could not turn the sets off. The TVs do not have an > -> off switch, and cast their flickering light for up to 16 hours a day. > > See, that's because TeeVee is GOOD for you! Any reputable doctor will > tell you that you need to watch 16 hours per day of television if you > want to get healed. And it's British television, no less! Four channels to choose from! On BBC1, programs about cheese! On BBC2, nothing but Teletubbies! BBC3, unfunny knockoffs of "Fawlty Towers"! BBC4, some show where a guy in a suit just keeps cancelling "Doctor Who" over and over! I know the channels don't actually call themselves "BBC4" etc., in order to disguise that all the channels are controlled by the same person (Maggie Thatcher, and on weekends, Mary Whitehouse) but you know what I mean. Over here in the States, we have 379 channels, and nothing good is on, so in England they only get 4/379ths as much entertainment. It's sad, really. They have no TV programming, and yet they're forced to watch TV. > -> The Health Service Journal identified the problem with the TVs. It > -> reported that the sets turn on automatically at 6am or 7am and > -> close at 10pm. Patients pay GBP3.20 ($AU7.70) a day for the full > -> range of programs. But those not wanting to subscribe do not > -> escape. They get trailers for the service and messages from the > -> hospital authorities instead. > > Beautiful. Simply beautiful. If you don't want to pay for 16 hours a > day of television while you lie there sick, we'll give you 16 hours a > day of ADVERTISING about what you're missing. Presumably the messages > from hospital authorites will include lots of "HEY! YOU! GET BETTER > QUICKLY!". Well, it would certainly encourage them to get out of bed, and probably out the window too. And then the license fee will be extracted from their survivors. > -> A Patientline spokesman said the failure to provide an off button > -> was "an accident" > > UH! HUH! I mean, nobody expects to be able to TURN OFF electrical > appliances, do they? Off buttons are a LUXURY! SHUT UP AND WATCH YOUR > TEEVEE! And don't you even THINK about hitting "n" to get to the next > UNSENET article until you've finished THIS one! Also, give me ONE! > MILLION! POINTS! in your scorefile RIGHT NOW! Or else... LAWSUIT! Sorry, I'm going to get your lawsuit thrown out of court because it's not going to have an "on" button drawn on it. > -> [...] > -> He said sets were mounted on an arm similar to those on some > -> desktop lamps. Patients who could not stand watching the programs > -> any longer could use the contraption to point the screen at the wall. > > Or patients who were not totally immobile would notice that their > "eyes" are mounted in a device called a "head" which is similar to the > "head" on a "chimpanzee"! If they couldn't stand watching the TeeVee > any longer, they could use the "head" contraption and the "neck" > contraption to turn their eyes away from the TeeVee! Unless, of course, they're in traction. And the sadistic nurse has swung the Tensor arm so that the little TV is pressed up against the guy's eyeballs. And then it's duct-taped to his face forever, unless he manages to get out of the full-body cast by himself someday. > -> If the flickering light still disturbed them, he said, they could > -> summon a company representative to disable the system, but that > -> meant it could not be turned back on again. > > If the flickering still disturbed them, they could order a spork from > the hospital kitchen to gouge out their eyes. I can think of several other ways to "disable the system". Next time the lunch tray includes chocolate pudding, it's going right over the screen, unless they were stupid enough to make the screen out of something breakable like glass, in which case I'm going to summon a neurologist to hammer on my patella and then I'll swipe his hammer and hurl it at the TV screen. And then twenty years later Apple will pretend I was wearing an iPod back when I was in the hospital. Also, there will be a wacky wheelchair race like on "The Benny Hill Show". Have I ever mentioned that I like Benny Hill? Good thing he was a Thames production and not a BBC one! -- K. I like making jokes about things I don't understand, such as the corporate governance of Benny Hill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: not an arbutus Date: Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:17:21 -0400 Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' slender, smoothbore frame; > My luv is an arquebus > Wi' a 30 meter range. > > An iron hook, my dearest wench > Wi' hold ye close to during fights > Through all the battles against the French > We'll murther many knights. > > Though iron foundries gang dry, my dear > And bullets break in shards > My arquebus is mine, my dear > Wi' the yeomen of the guard. > > And fare thee well, my dear matchlock > At thirty meters per second; > For thy recoil's too much of a shock > And new improved muskets beckon. Wasn't that written by Tarbolde on a Canopus planet back in 1997? It's a great poem, but don't go outside to repair the AE35 antenna unit with those funny contact lenses in. 'Cause, if you slip and fall off the spaceship when the pod klonks you, fat chance of the guy from "The Starlost" being able to save you even if he can make it down the Bounce Tube in time. So could you rewrite that lovely poem for me so it's about arbalests? I like them. You could also throw in a ballista or two. Oh, and some Greek Fire. It's pretty. -- K. Arrr! Fire be pretty! But don't ye be kissin' it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Sun, 11 Apr 2004 01:34:36 -0400 Yes, folks, it's that time of year again! By unpopular request, here are explanations of most of the oddities I mentioned in the articles I posted during one recent week. At first I was going to try to show how everything I've mentioned was related to "Star Trek", but that would have been too easy, so instead I shall demonstrate that everything I said was really a "Match Game" reference. This explanation of everything is a little long, so it will be posted in two installments. And now, let the explaining begin! * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Quorn in the news > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sat, 27 Mar 2004 11:22:13 -0500 > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> The product is Quorn, a fungus-based meat substitute that > > > -> millions of Europeans have eaten for years. > > > > I think this sentence is about some alternate-reality Europe... even > > if sometimes I reluctantly admit that Britain is rechnically a part > > of Europe. Come taste the world-renowned wonders of British cuisine! > > IT'S NOT A PART, IT'S A PENINSULA!!! This is a reference to Archimedes Plutonium's one-time insistence that England was "a peninsula". Richard Dawson was from England, or at least liked people to think he was. He was on "Match Game" before he got his own show and was able to be as drunk as he wanted without getting fired. Quorn is a fake meat product from England, made from a mildew-like white fuzz that grows underground. It tastes like nothing. It is unrelated to "Match Game", unless you consider the texture of Charles Nelson Reilly's toupee. > [...] > > > Actually, many insects are a perfectly good source of useful > > proteins. This does not make me want to eat cockroaches, even if > > they turn out to taste just like chickenroaches. You check first. > > I like how people freak out whenever they find out the difference > between natural and artificial red colors in their candy. Natural > red candy has things that look like ladybugs in it, or at least their > exoskeletons. Artificial red candy is made from nice clean chemicals. > Now choose! "Cochineal", seen on food ingredients lists, is referring to a maroon dye made from the shells of little red bugs (cochineal beetles.) Somewhere there must be a giant ranch where they're breeding billions of these tiny red critters just so they can put them in your Froot Loops (sometimes even on purpose.) However, there is a font named "Cochin" (styled after the famous engravings of some dude from the French Revolution era) and a font named "Neil" (also known as "Nitro", the font from the "Space: 1999" logo and the "Great American" supermarket logo) so perhaps the two could be combined into some sort of futuristic-yet-poncy powdered-wig-in-zero-gravity thing called "Cochineil", but that wouldn't be what I was talking about. If "Match Game" took place during Nicholas Cochin's day, Richard Dawson would have the longest cigarette holder, Charles Nelson Reilly would have the poofiest wig shaped like a three-foot-wide popcorn kernel, and Brett Somers would still be mentally behind the times. > > [...] > > > > Speaking of Latins and their rotten, mouldy, yeasty substances, have > > you ever wondered where the "gar" syllable in "vinegar" comes from? > > Allow me to reference the thousand articles I posted last year about > the Latin word "garum". And trust me, eating a spoonful of garum is > not as pleasant as drinking a big glass of vinegar. Garum was a popular seasoning in Roman times, one of their dozen or so subtly-different concoctions of rancid fish. They ate it constantly and even they thought it stunk to high heaven, so you can imagine how modern folks would feel about it. It smells worse than Brett Somers. > > Don't let them take all the FUN out of FUNGI! > > And don't let them take all the FUNGUS out of FUNYUNS! Funyuns are a Frito-Lay product designed to resemble onion rings, but made out of fluorescent yellow Styrofoam. I like them despite them not containing any actual onion. Or any bacon. Or any hot pepper. Okay, so I don't know why I like them. Just like I don't know why anyone other than me likes "Match Game". * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: What the hell am I looking at? > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 10:59:40 -0500 > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (Kibo puts on a pair of big leather gloves and starts marching > > > down the street with his arms outstretched, chanting "A-ME-BA! > > > A-ME-BA! GLOM!!!") > > > > Tony Cadena and Rikk Agnew did this better than you. > > I don't know who Tony "The Chain" Cadena and Rikk "Veep" Agnew are. > Are they the World Champions Of Ameba Tag or something? Or just > some adolescents you know? > > Either way, I assure you that I have _never_ lost a game of Ameba Tag. "Ameba Tag" was a stupid encounter-group game we were forced to play during freshman orientation at a college I attended. They brought in some group of losers called "Playfair" to yell at us through microphones exhorting us to touch each other in order to form emotional bonds and/or get cooties or something. I was like listening to "Up With People" but without the music. "Ameba Tag" involves walking around changing "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA!" and grabbing other people. I am not making this up. "Match Game" was better than "Ameba Tag", especially because "Match Game" did not involve any physical contact between Gene Rayburn and Brett Somers, and because "Ameba Tag", if it were a game show, would be full of disgusting commercials for disinfectants. > However, I don't remember what my Twister record is, since I haven't > played it since about age nine. And that's the wrong age for Twister. > You have to be old enough to realize that it should involve extra groping! "Twister" is a groping-related party game that involves a spinner telling you what to do, and then assuming the position and the first person to fall over loses, unless they're smart enough to know that the point of the game is to just rub up against people and fall over on them on purpose. "Match Game", on the other hand, was a game where most of the contestants weren't smart enough to know the point of funny riddles like "The Six Million Dollar Man dated a female Senator, but it didn't work because he was A.C. and she worked in D.BLANK!!!" > I'd have to wear the gloves to play Ameba Tag with you people, because > some of you guys have super cooties. "Cootie" was a game that involved rolling a die over and over until it came up the same number six times in a row. The game had no strategy, lasted for three hours, and was the most boring thing ever. Sadly, they did not make it into a TV show with Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly, because I would have loved to have seen them bickering over a game of "Cootie". ("No, you need to roll for each of the six legs separately, you horrid heterosexual heifer!") But I wasn't referring to that "Cootie" children's game, I was just referring to the attitude a lot of kids have that all other kids in the world have cooties which can only be repelled by "cootie spray" or the painful "cootie shot" (which comes in the form of "circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot", because the vaccine is delivered in the form of Feng Shui.) Nobody who was ever on "Match Game" had cooties, except for the six celebrities, the two contestants, Gene Rayburn, Johnny Olson, Mark Goodson, and Bill Todman. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Gay kindergartener! New hair color palette! > Hot iron-on action! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 11:10:44 -0500 > > TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > WHAT IS THE KINKY SECRET OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE? > > > > You know... I'm sure those perverted people that are into golden > > showers should would have an interesting time on the shuttle. > > Now that I think about it, you're right, everyone who has ever > wanted to be an astronaut or ride a spaceship or visit Mr. Spock > is a colossal pervert. Especially if Sulu gets to watch and keeps > yelling "OH, MY!" just like that guy who sounded nothing like him > once did on the Howard Stern show, convincing everyone that George > Takei is the kind of pervert who goes around yelling "OH, MY!" instead > of whatever he actually does when he sees Spock in the sonic shower. "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" featured a scene with a naked robot woman in a "sonic shower", represented by a disco light. Brett Somers was once on "Battlestar Galactica", which did not let her appear in a shower scene even though she had similar acting talent to Persis Khambatta. > Of all the "Star Trek" cast members, he's the funniest drunk, at least > in that press conference during the eight hours of extras on the > "Star Trek V" DVD. Man, George "Sulu" Takei was _so_smashed_ during that press conference. Almost as bombed as Klaus Maria Brandauer during "Druids" or all the guys who ever appeared on Sid & Marty Krofft shows. Now I have to decide whether to reiterate that "Match Game"'s Richard Dawson hosted a drunken game show for many years, or mention that Charles Nelson Reilly was the third drunkest actor ever in a Sid & Marty Krofft show (as "Hoodoo" in "Lidsville", he comes in third behind the first fake Brady dad on "Land Of The Lost" and the guy who played "Frank" on "Electrawoman & Dynagirl".) * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 28 Mar 2004 22:37:34 -0500 > > [...] > > I may also just shave my head again (especially as my pricey new hat > is too small and I can't find a good way to stretch it.) They just don't make walking-leatherman-stereotype hats in my size (7 5/8, also known as Extra Large For People Who Are Super-Brainy.) I paid $80 for mine, but I can't stretch it because it's very well-made with an assortment of technologies used to prevent it from stretching (such as plastic straps across the front and top.) This hat is clearly designed to withstand certain types of abuse. The man who suffered the most abuse on "Match Game" was Earl, the narcoleptic game board operator. Half the time, when Gene Rayburn asked for the hundred-dollar answer to be revealed, Earl (who lived inside the game board) would be sound asleep, and Gene would have to pound on the game board to wake up Earl enough for him to slide away the piece of cardboard covering up "WEE WEE". This was not a very high-tech show. If my hat got into a fight with this show, my hat would be the survivor. > And I still need to get contacts (again). No matter how I'm dressed, > my eyeglasses make me look like a nerd because they're really thick. > Contacts are annoying to wear, but I think I need to ditch the glasses. > They just don't go with my current look. Nothing goes with my current look. My glasses are not as big as Brett Somers's but they do approach Charles Nelson Reilly's. > I am not a nerd! I am a robot! No, wait... I am not a robot! > I am a 6'7" Space Viking! With a 50000 foot boat of clear steel! This is a reference to: (a) an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show" where a "Melrose Heights 90210-2402" sketch dealt with the traumatically real issue of the gang spreading a rumor that Vaughn (the guy with A SECRET) was really a robot, and not just a common everyday leatherman. There's just something funny about Bob Odenkirk yelling "I AM NOT A ROBOT!" while wearing a bar vest. (b) crazy guy Kurt Stocklmeir, who claims to be something like nine feet fall (his height goes up a few inches every month) and has a magical giant boat made of clear steel which is why nobody can see it although somehow he manages to type on the WebTV that's built into his clear ship even though it would actually be impossible to see anything on the screen of an invisible WebTV. (c) the general concept of Space Vikings, who are cooler than regular Vikings crossed with Space Pirates. If a Space Viking were a contestant on "Match Game", he'd win, because he'd answer every question with "YOUR DEATH!" * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 12:33:30 -0500 > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > [from film.guardian.co.uk, an article about Stanley Kubrick's home life] > > -> > > -> [...] > > -> > > -> but then I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Eyes > > -> Wide Shut, the way the words "CRUISE, KIDMAN, KUBRICK" flashed > > -> dramatically on to the screen in large red, yellow and white > > -> colours, to the song Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing. Had the words > > -> not been in Futura Extra Bold, I realise now, they wouldn't > > -> have sent such a chill up the spine. > > > > this all makes a terrible kind of sense. > > And he would have died if he had ever glimpsed my secret private font > of Futura Extra Extra Extra Extra Bold! It's a spine-shattering font > more terrifying than the Tingler and Percepto combined! Bruce Utting (whose name I misspelled "Bryce" when quoting him, sorry about that) was making the assertion that I was either Stanley Kubrick, or at least Stanley Kubrick's evil twin. "The Tingler" was a William Castle movie where Vincent Price takes the first on-screen LSD trip ever shown in a reputable motion picture like that, releasing a creepy-crawly caterpillar-like thing from his spine. It then jumps onto other people and crushes their spines. The movie's gimmick was that the only way to keep the Tingler from snapping your spin was to scream at the top of your lungs. The film was originally presented with "Percepto", a technique which involved (a) William Castle explaining to the audience that the movie would kill them if they didn't scream, (b) people planted in the audience to scream in your ear at random, and most importantly, (c) little gadgets on the legs of the theater seats to tickle your ankles during the scene where Vincent Price let The Tingler loose into THE VERY SAME MOVIE THEATER THAT WAS SHOWING "THE TINGLER"!!! If "Match Game" had been presented this way, it never would have been cancelled. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 23:58:41 -0500 > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > These boots are so cool that I ordered them even though they were > > > in the International Male catalog. And I _never_ order from > > > International Male. Their stuff is so faggy! > > > > So faggy it's VIRILE! > > Uh-oh, I'm going to tell Mr. Garrison you said the f-word without > getting bleeped. I think we just learned something about you. This was referring to the "South Park" episode where Mr. Garrison demonstrates that he can say "fag" without getting bleeped and nobody else can, except for Officer Barbrady, WINK. Incidentally, what's the deal with that stuff in his ear? How come they've never done an episode dealing with Barbrady's one-sided ear wax problem? It would take about eight pounds of ear wax to render an ordinary person as uncomprehending as Brett Somers. Also it would have to be in their brain, not their ears. > Hey, Mark, did you MOW the lawn today? Do you like to MOW the lawn? > MOW? Get it? MOW? Didja get it, or didja MOW it? This is just a callback to fourth grade. Fourth grade, incidentally, was the target audience for "Match Game". > > > But they did have one pair of boots I liked, and on clearance > > > sale. [...] The brand is "Destroy". > > > > "Destroy" is the user instructions. > > One-third of them. The pamphlet says "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" This is, as usual, a reference to Conan O'Brien's favorite "Lost In Space" episode, in which "a super android" named "IDAK" ("Instant Destroyer And Killer") runs around yelling "Crush! Kill! Destroy!" Gene Rayburn, on the other hand, had cranial plates which made him look like he was about to yell "RRRR! FIRE HOT! TROG SMASH!" > They also sell a shampoo which is "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Repeat! > Dilute! OK!" Dr. Bronner's wacky hippie soap has traditionally had lengthy rants about religion and hygiene on every label. The directions always end with "DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!" When Brett Somers was washing her hair (after she took it off), she mistakenly diluted the shampoo so much that she also diluted her brain. Poor self-diluted Brett. > Thankfully, those instructions are easier to follow than the competing > brand of shampoo, where the directions are just "Repeat!" "Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat." is the canonical shampoo-bottle direction to gently inform consumers that they should always waste lots of everything they buy. "Match Game" was frequently sponsored by "Head & Shoulders", which is odd given that most of the celebrity panelists wore wigs. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Big Big Boots (was: Grocery Store News for Kibo) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:31:52 -0500 > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > [...] You should instead start thinking up responses to the > > following statements that you'll frequently encounter when you've > > achieved the freakishly tall stature you crave: > > > > How tall are you? > > You're pretty tall. > > Do you play basketball? > > Did you know you're tall? > > I'm expecting more like > > "Hey, where are the construction worker and Indian?" Village People reference. The Village People were never on "Match Game", probably because having them on the same game show as John "Bowzer" Bowman from Sha Na Na might have been too much male leather, unless they also added Diana Rigg. Now _that_ would have made the show good. Okay, here's the new "Match Game" cast: Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the new Village People, Bowzer from Sha Na Na, Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman as Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill", Freddie Mercury, and me as host. And as the network censor to punish people who say anything naughtier than "TINKLE!", some huge guy with a whip. > and > > "Hey, Tom, go back to Finland!" "Tom Of Finland" was the pseudonym of a guy who did lots of drawings of people who looked a lot like Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the new Village People, etc. There was no version of "Match Game" in Finland. They tried. They did an exhaustive search and found the local Brett Somers Of Finland, but then she proved to be too slow to be able to write simple Finnish words like "Kaakkaakkaallaakkaallaakkaallaa" on a card in under thirty minutes. > [...] > > and > > "Is it codpiece burn?" > > Whoops, that last one's from something else. It's the line that got > me a free T-shirt when I sent some postcards to the "Mystery Science > Theater 3000" "Pick The Wisecrack" contest several years ago. The movie in question was Bert I. Gordon's medieval epic "The Magic Sword", with one of the guys from "2001". Nobody from "Match Game" ever went medieval. However, Brett Somers has fond memories of that era. > Anyway, I'm still prepared to shout "Step off, TINY!" at a moment's > notice if you give me guff. Especially if you're not a biker either. > > -- K. > > Double especially if you're > a drunken George Takei. George "Sulu" Takei did not seem especially drunk when Gary Faga called him "tiny" in "Star Trek III: The Search For Spock". Mr. Faga was also the first guy to get a Vulcan Nerve Pinch in a "Star Trek" movie, as the airlock technician in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". Nobody was visibly drunk in that movie, although Walter Koenig's book "Chekov's Enterprise" reports that hash brownies were popular on the set. William Shatner appeared on "Match Game" once or twice around the time when he was in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" -- the period when he had the same hairdo as Sluggo's girlfriend. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Starting the kids early > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:10:51 -0500 > > Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Heard about this on the news today: http://www.queerday.com/ > > > > -> North Carolina school locks up gay kids' book King and King > > -> > > -> A school committee in Wilmington, North Carolina, has decided to > > -> restrict access to a children's book about a prince who falls in > > -> love with another prince. > > [...] > > They made a movie of "King And King", but it had this total rip-off > of the "seaQuest" theme music. John Debney, composer of the "seaQuest" theme music, just may have been inspired by the theme music from "King Of Kings", a movie about Jesus (starring Jeffrey Hunter, the first captain on "Star Trek".) Mr. Debney went on to compose the music for Mel Gibson's movie about Jesus, but I haven't seen it because I don't like "seaQuest". Nobody from "Match Game" was ever nailed to a cross, dammit. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Grocery Store News for Kibo > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 02:17:33 -0500 > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > And then the biology teacher said, "The _correct_ answer is the > > > pupil of the eye. Your answer shows two things: One, you haven't > > > been paying attention in class, and two, you're going to be > > > _very_ disappointed." > > > > Was that Miss McKenzie? > > Okay, you win! I don't get it. > > But at least I'm not disappointed. I really, seriously, don't get it. Who was Miss McKenzie, and what did she have to do with "Match Game"? * * * * * [continued next article] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:32:31 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just like I don't know why anyone other than me likes "Match Game". > > Completely unfair. I grew up on "Match Game" in all its strange > forms, whether it be the tame daytime game or the slightly naughtier > night time version, whether the saucy redhead was Fannie Flagg or Marilu > Henner, whether the bimbo seat was filled with Eva Gabor or Debralee > Scott. I've worshipped every episode where Patty Duke narrowly escapes > a mental breakdown, where Adrienne Barbeau made a complete ass of > herself, and where Brett Somers got a little too friendly with Anson > "Stop Calling Me Potsie" Williams. > You still win, Mr Smartyleatherpants, but I will not allow you to > claim to be the only one who likes "Match Game". I didn't say you _didn't_ like it. I was implying you _shouldn't_ like it. Because anyone who likes "Match Game" has a withered head, unless they're me. > > Sadly, they did not make it into a TV show with Brett Somers and > > Charles Nelson Reilly, because I would have loved to have seen them > > bickering over a game of "Cootie". > > Agreed. As long as it was bickering in the past, because the sad, > flaccid bickering from the 1980s version of "Match Game" when Brett > Somers was unable to talk was just unbearable. That 1989-ish "Match Game" was horrid, but then there was the 1999-ish one which was, I hope, the final one. Around 1989, there was not only a "Match Game" revival with an elderly Brett Somers, but also a "To Tell The Truth" revival with elderly Kitty Carlisle, and some guy named Bob Barker was on "The Price Is Right". It was a time when all game shows were hosted by living fossils, unlike our modern era where game shows are hosted by Regis Philbin, Bob Barker, and Donny Osmond. (Or as you might know him from the first episode of "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", "Donzie".) > > [...] > > > > the [drunk] guy who played "Frank" on "Electrawoman & Dynagirl".) > > Speaking of which, I watched "Electrawoman & Dynagirl" Saturday night, > and have finally discovered the show that is entirely responsible for > the fact that I am completely fucked in the head. While I watched the > show religiously as a small child, I failed to remember that > Electrawoman was Deirdre Hall, that the cast included people who were > most famous for "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls", and that Dynagirl > added "electra-" as a prefix to every word she uttered. > Electracrap. You'd have to be electradrunk to get through an episode. Or possibly electratarded! > > [...] > > > > If "Match Game" had been presented this way, it never would have > > been cancelled. > > It never *was* cancelled. No, it wasn't. LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU. Okay, that's going to be a rule for when I host the kinky new "Match Game". Whenever a contestant says something really stupid, I'm going to lean in really close, R. Lee Ermey style, and bellow "I CAN'T HEARRRR YOUUUUUU!" until they yell out the incredibly stupid answer at the top of their lungs, and then I'll put my hands over my ears and yell "LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU." Then they'd be tarred and feathered, unless they were really stupid, in which case they'd be tarded and feathered. Then the real R. Lee Ermey would show up and make them do push-ups until blood came out of their ears. The contestant who bled to death the first would then be declared the winner! The prize would be five dollars. -- K. And the theme music would be played on a musical saw. Specifically, a musical chainsaw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:20:32 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] "Ameba Tag" involves walking around changing "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA!" > > and grabbing other people. I am not making this up. > > Wow, that's even more disappointing than I thought, even if "changing" > really isn't a typo for "chanting." I thought you were just using an > alternate name for one of my little sister's favorite games, Amoeba, > which is a reverse variant of Hide and Seek. One player hides, and as > the other players find him they all squash into the same hiding place. It wasn't a typo, it was a bug in my spell-checker software. I have half a mind to go to the store where I would have paid for this program if I hadn't pirated it so I can tell the Micro Center salesman to pass my criticism along to Bill Gates who wrote the program! > If they played Amoeba on Match Game, when Brett Somers OR Charles Nelson > Reilly was "It," everyone would lose. I think Charles only played that version of Ameba during his boat parties. Women were not invited, and neither was Brett. Has anyone ever told Brett that, as a female impersonator, she should have picked a less masculine name? > > Okay, here's the new "Match Game" cast: Glenn from the Village > > People, Eric from the new Village People, Bowzer from Sha Na Na, > > I still can't tell which disturbs me more: that I never even knew the > Village People had stolen my name, or that Kibo does know. How would anyone know you're him? It's not like the leather jacket and leather trooper cap and leather chaps and giant mustache and chain harness over a bare chest are a giveaway or anything. The creepy thing is that Glenn from the Village People is still dressed that way, even though he's dead! What will archaeologists make of him in thirty-eight million years, when he's just a skeleton draped in chains with a "HAVE A NICE DAY" button lying on his rib cage? -- K. I hear they put him in the mausoleum face-down, above Freddie Mercury. But there's a gap between them for when Henry Winkler dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (first of two parts) Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 02:25:51 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > (b) crazy guy Kurt Stocklmeir, who claims to be something like nine > > feet fall (his height goes up a few inches every month) and has a > > magical giant boat made of clear steel which is why nobody can see > > it although somehow he manages to type on the WebTV that's built > > into his clear ship even though it would actually be impossible to > > see anything on the screen of an invisible WebTV. > > Um, pssst, tj frazier, right? Kurt is the one with the faqy, the boy > and girl lizards, and the boold of animals between his/her dentata. Whatever. I can't keep them straight because I'm not smart enough to understand either of them. In fact, even if you combined them into one person they still wouldn't make any sense to me. > > [...] > > > > Okay, here's the new "Match Game" cast: Glenn from the Village > > People, Eric from the new Village People, Bowzer from Sha Na Na, > > Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman as Diana Rigg, Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill", > > Freddie Mercury, and me as host. > > SUBSCIRBE Note that my special version of "Match Game" has seven celebrities (not counting meeeeee!) instead of the six from the '70s "Match Game" or the five from the most recent revival or the three from the '50s version. This is so that we could play by the classic '70s rules and also kill any one celebrity without having to stop the game. I don't want to say which celebrity we'd kill, but I would like to point out that it's time to forget who performed at Woodstock and who didn't. (Now, Altamont, _that_ was a concert to remember.) > > [...] > > > > "Tom Of Finland" was the pseudonym of a guy who did lots of > > drawings of people who looked a lot like Glenn from the Village > > People, Eric from the new Village People, etc. > > Part of the reason, it turns out, why Tom's Men always ended up wearing > thigh-high leather boots is that he just couldn't draw good / believable > feet. Alas. What, you'd rather see toes than boots? Who are you, the opposite of Alex Toth? Do you keep wishing Space Ghost and Moltar and Brak and their friends would go running around naked instead of wearing big boots and big gauntlets and big helmets or gas masks? Are you going to try to take away Brak's and Zorak's chest harnesses? PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A BLAST FROM ALEX TOTH'S SPANK RAY!!! Alex Toth was the Tom Of Finland of the Hanna-Barbera universe. -- K. I recall a "Peanuts" strip where Lucy is analyzing Charlie Brown's unconscious motives in drawing a picture of a cowboy with his hands behind his back, and then Charlie Brown explains he just did that because he couldn't draw hands. So next time someone asks, "Hey, are you wearing handcuffs?" say, "No, it's just that Charlie Brown couldn't draw my hands." And then there was the strip where Sally yelled, "Not even Rod McKuen could draw a good leatherman leg!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mexican candy, now with 50% more lead! Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 16:47:54 -0400 [from the Washington Post] -> -> FDA Issues Caution About Lead In Some Candy From Mexico That's nothing, I recently bought a AUGH! THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS BACK! Sorry, we've been interrupted by the first annoying appearance this year of an ice cream truck hanging around the housing project across the street from here. It's playing an out-of-tune two-finger version of "Music Box Dancer", or parts thereof. And it's not the part that dances. Back to our story. That's nothing, I recently bought a couple cartons of those liquefied eggs because I'm too lazy to want to clean an eggbeater after I make scrambled eggs. (I love the fun of smashing the eggs open, but my primary goal when cooking is "no cleanup", so I buy the little cartons and pour the stuff into a foil-lined pie pan and put it in the oven and I'm done.) I always read the ingredients on everything before I buy it. Lately lists of ingredients have gotten longer, and the food industry has become fearful of lawsuits filed by people who are allergic to substance X and who don't have the reading comprehension to read through the whole ingredients list looking for "X", so now every list of ingredients is followed by something like "Contains: Soy, Wheat, And Peanuts." In this case, the carton of eggs summarized its ingredients this way: "Contains: Egg." But only one egg, so that might be okay for some people. The question is, is the FDA upset that "some" Mexican candy contains lead without being labelled "Contains: Lead"? Or is it that all Mexican candy claims to contain delicious lead but some of them are only using fake lead, made out of graphite from inside pencils? -> Children should not eat certain candy imported from Mexico because -> it may be contaminated with small amounts of lead, the Food and -> Drug Administration said yesterday. -> -> At issue is candy that contains significant amounts of chili -> powder, including lollipops coated with chili, and powdery -> mixtures of salt, lemon flavoring and chili seasoning. -> -> The chili powder can become contaminated with lead during -> manufacturing, the FDA said. This is another reason why you should only eat really strong chili powder. If it doesn't taste as hot as is possible for chili powder to taste, there's a chance you're eating 99% chili and 1% lead. -> The FDA also cautioned against tamarind, a popular Mexican candy -> item sometimes mixed with chili. Tamarind is a "candy item"? Oh, I get it, they can't legally call it "fruit". -> It also can become contaminated if it is sold in poorly made glazed -> ceramic vessels that can leach lead. -> -> Fruit and lollipops dipped or mixed with chilies are popular in -> Mexico, and a market has been growing for them north of the -> border, particularly in high-immigration areas. You can buy Mexican candy lots of places, such as your local gas station. This is because it would be too much of a hassle for gas stations to sell actual food. -> None of the candy contains lead amounts that exceed federal limits -> of 0.5 parts per million, said Michael Kashtock, an FDA plant -> safety adviser. But the chili-containing candy has more lead than -> sugar-based candy does -- and candy lead limits are soon to be -> lowered, as part of the FDA's effort to gradually reduce the -> amount of lead in foods, especially those popular with children. I will try to work the sentence "Candy lead limits are soon to be lowered" into conversation today, most likely in a high-pitched robot voice while wearing a cardboard box and pointing a ray gun at someone. It just seems appropriate. -> Even mildly elevated levels of lead can harm children's developing -> brains. So remember, don't feed your babies hot pepper. And if you do, don't use the cheap imported kind. Especially not the kind from Canada, where the hottest hot sauce you can buy is just maple syrup. Oh, Mrs. Butterworth, you are such a wimp. -- K. Also, if you're avoiding candy contaminated with lead, don't let Caligula make you an Italian ice in his Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Mexican candy, now with 50% more lead! Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 03:20:12 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I will try to work the sentence "Candy lead limits are soon to be > > lowered" into conversation today, most likely in a high-pitched > > robot voice while wearing a cardboard box and pointing a ray gun at > > someone. It just seems appropriate. > > May I suggest that when you dress up as a ray gun toting cardboard > safety robot, that you have this conversation with Tom Kraemer? You > know how he enjoys your lifestyle choices, so he's sure to enjoy your > latest choice to become an annoying safety robot. But... I AM NOT A ROBOT!!! I just dance like one, and sometimes I wear a cardboard box just to re-enact scenes from imaginary Sid & Marty Krofft public service announcements about lead abatement. And even when I'm pretending to be a robot that is concerned with candy lead limits, I'm still firmly pro-lead. Some Ewok or something would be the hero of that public service announcement. I'd be the evil guy who wants children to eat lots of lead so they'll stop asking him whether he's a robot or a biker from a gang that hasn't existed since 1958. I AM NOT A ROBOT!!! And I will kill anyone who has any evidence to the contrary! And I will get away in an... electric... car! (Does it bother anyone else that Bob Odenkirk is now doing obnoxious TV commercials for Miller High Life and Miller Lite beer -- the two beers are running for high office -- without addressing the important issue of whether a beer just for gay people is allowed to be Vice President? I think the Constitution says that only straight beers can be elected.) -- K. P.S. Tom Kraemer isn't a robot either. However, he _is_ one of those glowing-unitard-and- hockey-helmet guys from "Tron". Maybe Peter Jurasik before he got the 2-D Bozo hair. So if Walter Carlos and Wendy Carlos played "Dueling Banjos", who would win? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mexican candy, now with 50% more lead! Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 15:42:39 -0400 Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think the Constitution says that only straight beers can be elected.) > > I served in Air Force Combat Communications to defend your > *constitutional right* to hot girl-on-girl action. I'll be damned > if Gee-Dubbaya is going to take that away. Now, do you mean hot girl-on-girl action between two lesbians, or between two perfectly straight girls? I'm not saying either is better, I'm just saying you should know what you're buying. It's disappointing to spend all that money watching through that greasy little window for three hours and then discover they were the wrong kind of girls! > Or maybe I'll move to Thailand and enjoy a little girl-on-girl action > myself, Thailand always seems like the most boring part of the Far East. All it has is plain old sex, sex, sex. The other Asian countries are _kinky_! Japan has vending machines that sell teenage girls' used panties. Singapore loves to cane American boys. Bangladesh had protesters waving pictures of Osama bin Laden with his life partner, Bert from "Sesame Street". Taiwan is like "Fight Club" in that massive fistfights break out anywhere, anytime, especially among politicians. And China, in China they'll eat _anything_ while shocking dissidents with cattle prods. So if all you want is boring old sex, go to Thailand, you wuss. If you want your sex intermingled with foam-rubber puppets beating you with an electrified cane while wearing dirty panties and punching bin Laden, pay for the full Asian package. You'll come home with so many memories that you won't even be able to remember them all. (Thankfully, all these countries have tattoo parlors on every block, so you can keep a diary on your butt.) -- K. never been. dammit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Explanation of the "Match Game" conspiracy (second of two parts) Date: Sun, 11 Apr 2004 01:39:33 -0400 [continued from previous article] * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Starting the kids early > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:41:39 -0500 > > [...] here's a relevant article from www.indystar.com: > -> > -> Merrillville schools ban pink clothes > -> > -> MERRILLVILLE, Ind. -- Officials have banned pink clothing for the > -> remainder of the school year out of concerns that the color has > -> become associated with gang activity. > > Yeah, what with the Pink Panthers making perfectly innocent homophobes > afraid to beat up people between Man Ray and Hi-Fi Pizza. > > (Do they still have the Pink Panthers in Cambridge? I haven't seen them > in a long time, but then again, I'm not in that part of town too often. > They were a Guardian Angels-styled force that patrolled the Central Square > area to keep down gay-bashing. I suspect we had the only chapter of them.) The Pink Panthers were a Guardian Angels-styled force that... oh, wait, I can't explain that any further. I still don't know what happened to them. The bad guy in most of the "Pink Panther" movies was Sir David Niven. In the first one Blake Edwards made after Peter Sellers's death, Sir David was dying from throat cancer, so his voice was dubbed by (massively overrated) impressionist Rich Little, who was occasionally on "Match Game". * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 13:52:14 -0500 > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > [...] I broke my right arm. There's nothing humerus about snapping > > it while lifting -- > > What were you lifting? And why? And what sound did your bone make? > And did you break it on purpose just so you could make that hefty pun? > > > apparently my bones are as brittle as a cosmonaut's. > > I was going to try to make my own pun on "peanut brittle", but you're > not Mr. Lifto. > > ...and you never will be! Mr. Lifto is (or was, I don't know which) one of the headline performers of the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow. His specialty was lifting heavy objects with his penis. "Match Game", on the other hand, was a freak show. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Stinky Spock Yo-Yo (was: Plant Dangler) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 18:40:58 -0500 > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > As I once mentioned, my last yo-yo was a "Star Trek: The Motion > > > Picture" "Vulcan Spinner" with a picture of Mr. Spock on it. [...] > > > > > > It was deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside, and it > > > tasted like plastic. Or so I would assume. I never tasted it > > > because it smelled really gross. > > > > Unlike Leonard Nimoy in real-life, who always smells of bacon > > and lilacs. > > Logic is a bouquet of pretty flowers that smell like Leonard Nimoy. > Logic is a little birdie yo-yoing in a tree. Logic is the stuff that > holds the chest hairs together in your shower drain. Logic is the > secret ingredient in no curries anywhere. Logic is the opposite of > a marshmallow. Logic always goes down the wrong escalator. Logic is > deep translucent blue with silver glitter inside and farts outside. This was a reference to the "Star Trek" episode "I, Mudd", in which Spock makes a robot's head explode by telling him "Logic is a little bird sitting in a tree... logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_." Because robots are stupid. However, a robot would do well as a "Match Game" contestant because its stupid answers would always match Brett's. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Kriho's bad luck > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Wed, 31 Mar 2004 14:31:10 -0500 > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > "Over the Top" is now my favorite Stallone movie. > > Not "Party At Kitty & Studs"? That was an early Stallone film. It is not stocked at Blockbuster because they don't carry porno films, even ones with small roles for Sylvester Stallone. However, you can rent Woody Allen's "Bananas", where he chases Woody through a subway train. Woody Allen was on some game shows in the black-and-white era, and drew on those memories for his "What's My Perversion?" sketch in "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)" with Regis Philbin. Although Gene Rayburn also hosted some episodes of the _first_ "Match Game" show in the 1950s (the one which did not even contain any attempts at humor) I don't know if Woody Allen was ever on that show, so I'm not sure I can relate "Party At Kitty & Stud's" to "Match Game" except to observe that the '70s version of "Match Game" had similar theme music to many '70s porno movies. > Also, only dilithium crystals have spiral fractures. We learn that > in one of the "Star Trek" cartoons, the one where everyone shrinks > because the radiation that unpeels all the dilithium crystals makes > people's DNA wind up, making them the size of ants. We learn that in one of the "Star Trek" cartoons, the one where... Hey, wait a minute, stop trying to trick me into explaining my explanations! Look, I can't make this any easier for you! (I bet that Mark Goodson and Bill Todman took turns yelling that last sentence at Brett Somers during every commercial break.) * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Paula and Plockwort Bait > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 18:23:23 -0500 > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > > > > > And I have no casserole here. > > > > Check. This paragraph no casserole. > > Dear Douglas Hofstadter... > > Sign seen on the shoreline: > > +---------------------+ > | Welcome to our c. | > | Notice there is | > | no asserole in it. | > +---------------------+ > > I am submitting that to your "Humor In Language" column to be printed > in the five-dimensional Plutonian steam-powered Reader's Digest, > with no casserole, no asserole, and certainly no "I am Joe's 'I am Joe's > column'" column. > > -- K. > > The next sentence contains no sentence. The references are: (a) Douglas Hofstader's and/or David Moser's self-referential sentence, "This sentence no verb," in either Hofstadter's "Godel, Escher, Bach" or "Metamagical Themas" (I can't remember the difference), (b) Signs saying "Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no p in it. Please keep it that way.", (c) the old Reader's Digest "I Am Joe's Kidney" feature (as spoofed in "Fight Club"), and of course (d) the sequence in "Godel, Escher, Bach" where they use the Subjunc-TV to find out how the baseball game would have come out if it had been five-dimensional Plutonian steam hockey. NONE OF THAT RELATES TO "MATCH GAME" IN ANY WAY. Unless... "This sentence contains no BLANK." Oh, darn. Bet that's a link, ma'am! * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: The deeper meanings of 2001 and Eyes Wide Shut > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:47:52 -0500 > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > "Barry Lyndon" occupied an entire Sunday afternoon of mine a few > > months ago, and I was stunned. It's beautiful, with performances from > > people I didn't think could act that well. > > But it was filmed through that special giant spy-satellite lens. > Do you know what that means? It means that whenever you watch that > film, Stanley Kubrick can see you! Most of the candle-lit scenes in "Barry Lyndon" were filmed with a really freakin' enormous F0.7 lens originally designed for spy satellites. But don't tell anyone you found out Kubrick's secret. The title "Barry Lyndon" always makes me think it's going to be about the bastard love-child of Barry Goldwater and Lyndon Johnson. It should not be confused with Kubrick's unfinished sequel to "2001", "Match Game 2001", which would have been about the bastard love-child of Gene Rayburn and an astronaut, named Gene Assburn. It would have starred Steve Martin in a "Star Trek" uniform and white afro. > That's also why "2001" had all those shots of a giant eyeball. > And why "A Clockwork Orange" had those scenes of Malcolm McDowell > staring into the camera with his eyes clamped open. Because > Kubrick was a pervert who liked to watch his audience! > > In Kubrickland, film watches YOU! A reference to how references to Yakov Smirnoff are overdone, and in fact references to how references to Yakov Smirnoff are overdone are overdone. Yakov Smirnoff would have been on "Match Game" if it had been on during the three weeks he was famous. > [...] > I loved "Minority Report", though. How much did I like it? Let's put > it this way -- it's a Tom Cruise movie but not once did I have the urge > to yell "Fidelio!" at the screen. In "Eyes Wide Shut", Tom Cruise gets to go to his super-awesome kinky daydream orgy (consisting of people standing around motionless in domino masks and black robes, like "Amadeus" only even duller) once he learns that the secret word is "Fidelio!" However, he's never told what the safeword is, so I don't know what he'd do if standing around motionlessly looking at naked women gets too intense for him. Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" had a secret word (a wooden duck would drop from the ceiling with a small cash prize), as did "Pee-wee's Playhouse". One of those featured Groucho saying, "I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while," (to a woman with lots of kids), and the other featured hundreds of separate incidents of kinky weirdness so filthy and depraved that I wish they'd release the show on DVD. "You Bet Your Life", with its mildly risque' humor, was the "Match Game" of its day. So we have: "Eyes Wide Shut" -> "Fidelio" -> "secret word" -> "You Bet Your Life" -> "Match Game" and also "Eyes Wide Shut" -> "Fidelio" -> "secret word" -> "Pee-wee's Playhouse" but! Alan Cumming was in the funny scene in "Eyes Wide Shut". Alan Cumming played a wacky-yet-very-creepy kids' show host who was clearly intended to remind us of Pee-wee Herman in "Spy Kids". So: Alan Cumming -> "Eyes Wide Shut" -> "Fidelio" -> "secret word" -> "Pee-wee's Playhouse" -> Alan Cumming ...which is an infinite loop, unless we escape from "Eyes Wide Shut" to "Match Game" by the other path. Bless "Match Game" for saving us from The Endless Cycle Of Cumming! > -- K. > > I did bend my neck sideways and say > "You've never seen me very upset!", > but I was doing that long before I > saw "Mission: Impossible". That scene was in the trailer for "Mission: Impossible". Greg Morris, from the original "Mission: Impossible", was on "Match Game" a lot. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: I Am A Newbie > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 01:55:12 -0500 > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > What you want to do is create a meme. > > Or at least be used as one. In much the same manner as a soccer ball > is used as a soccer ball. To bodily become a meme. > > For instance, one option is to ask your doctor to replace your entire > body with green floral foam to make it easy for anyone to crush you at > any time. Like in that "Star Trek" episode where the girl yeoman > is turned into a cuboctahedron and crushed, except without all that > unrealistic stuff about people being on a spaceship. Then when you're > being crushed, it would make a sound something like "SKRITCH!" and > bang, you'd be a meme. Ten minutes later there would be a Tarantino > movie where Ving Rhames would say "I'm gonna 'SKRITCH!' your ass!" > and that little white circle that represents the dawning of a new meme > would blink in the upper right corner of the movie screen for a > tenth of a second. And that tenth of a second would be the happiest > moment of your life, except for you being dead and crushed and all. That's the "Star Trek" episode "By Any Other Name" crossed with a scene from "Pulp Fiction" and those little "cigarette burn" reel-change signals that appear in the upper right corner of the screen in theaters but only before 1990 except for "Fight Club" where Brad Pitt points to one. Ving Rhames was also in "Mission: Impossible", with Tom Cruise who was the star of "Eyes Wide Shut", and there we go into the Alan Cumming loop again, unless we escape to "Match Game", so we can thank our lucky stars that "Match Game" saved us when we made the mistake of connecting Ving Rhames to Alan Cumming. * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Head plus lampshade: original meme injection? > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 02:09:29 -0500 > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > What is strange is that overhead lights anywhere else don't phase me > > in the least. I just need to have my home dimly lit with lamps that > > are asymmetrically arranged. > > This is because most overhead lights have a quantum phase resonance > signature caused by the wavelength of the light being modulated by > the sub-space anti-triolic phase induction capacitor to focus a > plasma-energy pulse on the harmonic center of the forward lateral > lobe of Whoopi Goldberg's giant deflector hat so that she'll spill > a Space Martini down Brent Spiner's spandex jumpsuit, causing his > character to experiment with cursing like a human and then he and > Whoopi would chase each other around the room at warp speed to the > tune of "Yakety Sax" played on a Theremin. In a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" script, the writer would have just typed "(TECH)", and that paragraph would have then been randomly generated by the show's script-writing computers. Oddly, a bug in the program seems to turned "Star Trek: The Next Generation" into Sid & Marty Krofft's "The Lost Saucer" and then into "The Benny Hill Show". While I have never seen a script for "The Benny Hill Show", I do know that one of the stars of "The Lost Saucer" complained about being given a script that had an extended scene written as "RUTH AND JIM ARE FUNNY". I forget whether Ruth Buzzi or Jim Nabors was the one who complained about the horror of working on that show. Also, I don't know which one of them would have been the obligatory drunken cast member of any Sid & Marty Krofft Show. However, I _can_ remind you that not only was Match Game's Charles Nelson Reilly drunk on Sid & Marty's "Lidsville", but a clip from "Lidsville" was used in one episode of "Millennium" with Mr. Reilly, and also, "Lidsville" was spoofed on "Mr. Show With Bob And David" as "Drugachusettes" with Tom Kenny as Charles Nelson Reilly and Bob Odenkirk as one of the freaky freak-outs in the altered state of Drugachusettes, which allows me to remind you that Bob Odenkirk was the one who shouted "I AM NOT A ROBOT!" and now EVERYTHING is starting to CONNECT. It's a PATTERN, don't you see? A PATTERN! * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Tell > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sat, 03 Apr 2004 03:28:19 -0500 > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > These two popes go into a bicycle shop. > > > > (I'm bored now. Someobody else can finish it.) > > The first Pope takes off his hat and there is a tiny Satan underneath, > and he's dancing and laughing and blowing soap bubbles from a little > plastic bubble pipe with a cat's face embossed on the front of the bowl. > The bubbles stick to the bicycle shop's bicycle-seat-textured wallpaper. > The shopkeeper is upset at these ring-shaped stains. The second Pope > tries to lick the wallpaper clean, but that doesn't work, so he also > takes off his hat, revealing Little Cat Z, who is smoking a bubble > pipe with a Pope face embossed on it. Little Cat Z unleashes the cleaning > power of sparkling new Voom, now enhanced with the effervescence of > papaya. But Voom proves to be too powerful and cleans all the flesh > off their bones. Then the Popes' skeletons arm-wrestle to determine > who will be Skeleton Pope Arm-Wrestling Champion Of The World, but > then a Skeleton Pope from Mars is better and they both cry. THE END. So for some reason I was thinking of my favorite bubble pipe from when I was five, and then that turned into a "Cat In The Hat" cartoon where Little Cat Z cleaned up the big Cat's mess with Voom, and also somehow an arm-wrestling movie got in there, most likely the previously-mentioned "Over The Top" with Stallone because I don't think there are any other movies about the arm-wrestling championship of the world. This means that the Pope and Dr. Seuss and Stallone are now all linked into the giant wad of stuff that we've linked to "Match Game". * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Tell > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 00:22:22 -0500 > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I bet old E.M. [Forster] would love to be resurrected to scope out > > > the Internet, when you consider what "The Machine Stops" had to say > > > about Internet culture long before stuff like computers happened. > > > > I once tried to explain to mom how nifty cool it was that EM wrote > > about the Internet before it happened, and she patted me on the head and > > murmured something about how sad it was to have had a daughter who was > > not only ugly, but bad at sports. > > You didn't pull out a whiteboard to draw a many-colored diagram proving > that "Howard's End" and "The Matrix" were exactly the same movie? > That's what I would have done. Also "Baby Geniuses" and her favorite > movie. Unless "Baby Geniuses" was already her favorite movie, in > which case I'd draw some squiggles to prove it was exactly the same > as a piece of dryer lint made by jellyfish doing their laundry underwater. > > I don't know what I'm talking about either. Long before the days of tee-vee, E.M. Forster wrote the story "The Machine Stops", about how someday in the future everyone would sit alone in their rooms using the Internet instead of having any friends, and thus civilization would collapse. The same premise was used for an episode of "seaQuest", except "seaQuest" somehow made it stupid. Because we previously linked "seaQuest" to Jesus and thus both Mel Gibson and "Match Game", now E.M. Forster and the Internet are part of the whole ball of stuff, which is now rolling around glomming up all the memes in the world while chanting "A-ME-BA! A-ME-BA!" * * * * * > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Twelve to doomsday. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:58:53 -0400 > > [...] I passed a sign saying: > > > KRISPY KREME > > OPENING IN 12 DAYS > > > [...] I need a splurge gun. The "splurge gun" was the weapon of choice of the singing children dressed as '30s mobsters in the no-conceivable-audience-except-for- John-Hinckley movie "Bugsy Malone", directed by the insane Alan Parker, who also made a no-conceivable-audience-except-for-people-who-want- to-give-Matthew-Broderick-enemas movie and several others which had hypothetical audiences so creepy I won't even bother describing them. However, I will note that "Bugsy Malone" starred Scott Baio from "Happy Days", which co-starred Anson Williams as "Potsie". Anson Williams was not only on "Match Game", he also directed an episode or two of "seaQuest", and therefore Potsie's stuck to the giant tarball too. Thus endeth the explanation of everything I mentioned during that week. It's really quite simple: Everything leads inexorably to "Match Game" and is interconnected by a web of shining silver threads. I didn't even mention that Kirstie Alley (from "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan") was once a stupid contestant on "Match Game" because I think I've already diagrammed 65,536 routes from "Star Trek" to "Match Game" (several of which don't even pass through "seaQuest".) The conclusion is obvious. Charles Nelson Reilly is the linchpin that holds the Universe together. If someone were to build a time machine and travel back in time to prevent him from being on "Match Game", the Universe as we know it would disappear and be replaced by BLANK. -- K. I want to be Charles Nelson Reilly when I grow up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Mathematical Notation Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 14:46:27 -0400 James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > 1. I have decided that the current notation used to denote limits is > outmoded and obsolete, and it sucks. I give here a sample for your > edification. > > FIG. 1 > > lim f(x) = L > x->c > > 2. I would prefer something that goes with other operators of this type. > That is, higher order operations on functions, that take additional > arguments, like Sum (sigma), Product (pi) and Integration (stretched s > thing). > > 3. How about Lambda! Lambda is cute, wooly, and goes well with minta. > Here is an example for your undying worship. > > FIG. 2 > > c > . > / \ f(x) = L > / \ > x > > 4. Please tell me what you think. Well, you might find some reluctance from the 40% of the mathematical community who are heterosexually active, because capital lambda is the gayest letter. But don't tell Leonidas and the Spartans I said that, it would be a shame if homophobia made them flip their shields upside down because then I'd keep expecting them to chase Marc Singer around while wearing red candy-colored Nazi uniforms and, once an hour, stopping the battle for five minutes so they can stiffly eat a marshmallow shaped like a mouse. Other than that, inventing a new notation is the first step towards becoming accepted by the crackpot community. It goes something like this: New notation, new terminology, new formatting, compare self to Galileo because Ienstien was an idiot, insist that the lack of replies to the postcards you sent to random departments at MIT proves your theory, eat a mouse, no brown leather, insist you are not a crackpot, win all Nobel prizes retroactively to 1908. I'm somewhere in the middle -- I still think Ienstien may have been right about some things, such as the frivolity of personal hygiene, but I have learned enough to know that his name should always be spelled right even if he wasn't smart enough to spell it that way himself. However, for my theory of how crackpots work, I deserve ten Nobel Prizes For Crackpotology. You can start by taking away John Baez's and having my name and bowling score engraved on it. I bowled a 1600 on both halves of the SAT for a total of 3200 in your Earth numbers. -- K. If modern mathematicians use archaic Greek and German letters all over the place, did Hero of Alexandria use weird caveman drawings? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: About Me Date: Mon, 12 Apr 2004 15:00:28 -0400 [on quilting, I think] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > BZZZTTT! Wrong-O! The rules have always been, you show me yours I show > > you mine. > > OK, well, the other problem is, I don't still HAVE any of the quilts I've > made. Heh. So I cannot SHOW you without making someone else VERY COLD, > because it would involve REPOSESSION. Tell you what -- you play Quilt Repo Lady and I'll play Lego Bounty Hunter and together we'll travel around the country taking people's quilts and/or fun toys away from them. Better yet, let's impersonate police officers from an imaginary country so we won't be breaking any laws as long as we're outside that country. You be the good cop, and I'll be the one who looks good but is secretly committing all the murders in town because what people never realize is that the only reason the police ever conduct all those murder "investigations" is to cover up stuff. > But I will photograph the next one I finish. Of course, by then, > photographs will all be holograms, and quilts will be made of Mylar > or something... In the future, photographs will be more real than reality! They'll be 4-D, and they'll talk, even when they're a photo of something like a quilt that wouldn't normally talk! So every day, you'd photograph all your stuff and throw away the originals, and then the next day you'd photograph the photographs and throw them out, so that every day all your stuff would get another dimension and have new things to talk about. By July, all your personal possessions would be superintelligent Mandelbrot sets that could beat you on "Jeopardy!" or "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" or even "The Price Is Right". > Also, I'll try to find the sunset desert camel I made. It was purdy. No matter how many times I read that it keeps coming out "sunset dessert camel" and I keep wondering if this is an ice-cream sundae with two large fatty scoops on top, or just some sort of dwarf camel specially bred to have chocolate jimmies instead of that awful fur. > [...] I'm still hunting and acquiring the fabrics needed. > > Should I SEND YOU A SQUISHY? My fabric stash is ridiculous. Mmm, you can give me a squishy any time. WINK!!! > I got hundreds of squishies a few years ago... You slut! > I was part of a "year 2000" quilt swap, where you would send a total > of 2000 2" or 3" squares of fabric to other people, and they'd send > you the same number in return. I still have all the envelopes full > of squares. I have not made the quilt. Do all the fabric squares say "HOORAY FOR Y2K" on them in some late-'90s font? If so, you'll never get rid of them. There's this one art-supply store I go to that just can't move those magenta and blue glass beads shaped like (a) 50% magenta Eiffel towers and (b) 50% giant hot dog-shaped cartouches that say "2000" on them. Apparently these bags of beads were manufactured to cash in on that craze to commemorate the Eiffel tower being painted with Pepto-Bismol to cure it of the Y2K bug. Man, was that a stupid year. 2000 was that decade's 1976. > [...] > > Your new best friend, > --kerri > > PS -- I AM STILL A HARDCORE BITCH AND DON'T ANY OF YOU FORGET IT. YES I WOULD LIKE A HARDCORE BITCHY SQUISHY, MISTRESS! BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU CAN'T TELL, THERE WAS A COMMA IN THAT SENTENCE! I LIKE YOU WITH YOUR SKELETON LEFT INSIDE! -- K. The Eiffel Tower, on the other hand, would be better squishy, especially if it's still magenta. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tor-Cha! (was: About Me) Date: Sat, 10 Apr 2004 00:15:23 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I had a dream last night about a new brand of hot dog, called > "Tor-Cha". The dogs were supposed to be heart-healthy and the package > had a picture of a big steaming red hot firm hot dog nestled in a > heart-shaped bun. The hyphen in the brand name "Tor-Cha" was > heart-shaped as well. Obviously you've been watching old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episodes without absorbing the most important lesson of (Really Old) "Teenagers From Outer Space": That "Tor-Cha" hot dogs would be made from giant offscreen space lobsters. I should add that "torture" is one of the eight words I can't pronounce. I use the word "tor-cha" a lot in conversation. After all, I am a Space Viking dressed like a 1950s biker stereotype, which is not all that different from a Teenager From Outer Space. I also have trouble with "wire", "Washington", and "sphere". It's because of my funny mixture of accents coupled with having had speech therapy from someone with a Mr. High Hat puppet. -- K. If only he'd had Mr. Slave too. Why can't real life be more like two-dimensional cut-paper cartoons? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tor-Cha! (was: About Me) Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 15:00:56 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > I had a dream last night about a new brand of hot dog, called > > > "Tor-Cha". The dogs were supposed to be heart-healthy and the package > > > had a picture of a big steaming red hot firm hot dog nestled in a > > > heart-shaped bun. The hyphen in the brand name "Tor-Cha" was > > > heart-shaped as well. > > They're just not shy about what parts the hot dogs are made from. Yeah, don't you hate people who are shy about torture? Back to the subject. You know those sausages that have the little ring holding the casing closed at the end? Look up "band elastrator" to see how they make those sausages. > > Obviously you've been watching old "Mystery Science Theater 3000" > > episodes without absorbing the most important lesson of (Really Old) > > "Teenagers From Outer Space": That "Tor-Cha" hot dogs would be made > > from giant offscreen space lobsters. > > > > I should add that "torture" is one of the eight words I can't pronounce. > > I use the word "tor-cha" a lot in conversation. After all, I am a > > Space Viking dressed like a 1950s biker stereotype, which is not all > > that different from a Teenager From Outer Space. > > Sure, but probably if you said "torture" people would be all > "Whaddya tahkin abaat? OH, Tor-cha! Yaah one a them paavaats, > aintcha, with the leahtha cahdpiece covahed in menacin metal spikes?" How can they be menacing if people can't even see them? Oh, you meant spikes on the _outside_. -- K. Oddly enough, just yesterday I was in a pub in rural Maine, and a guy at the next table was telling a story about how once he was menaced and intimidated by one of them scary perverts covered in a black latex catsuit with a mask. At one point they went outside to have a smoke, leaving their mugs on the table, and I was tempted to go write a surprise message on one of their napkins. Who woulda thunk that people in Maine are worldly enough to know what sort of weirdos they should be scared of? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things Stacia sent me. Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:15:23 -0400 Hey, Stacia! I just received a wonderful little care package from you. Thank you so much! And for everyone else, here's what she surprised me with! 1.) A jar of white horseradish sauce, 'cause Stacia knows I like my spices with some zing. This isn't straight horseradish but Prepared Horseradish, i.e. mayonnaise with some horseradish in it (not to mention "artificial flavor", whatever artificial horseradish flavor might be.) 2.) A fast-food condiment packet of squishy onion bits. I'm going to eat that one now. Mmm, oniony! Actually, it's more like sweet pickle relish without the green color, because the onions are pickled and drenched in corn syrup. Also they taste kind of... old. But I ate them anyway. 3.) Another condiment packet, this time "Fire" sauce from Taco Bell (the only good kind of the three red sauces Taco Bell has) and I'm definitely going to eat this right now. Stacia undoubtedly picked it out because of the wacky slogan printed on it, "Why order a taco when you can ask it politely?" Ha... ha... ha? HEY TACO BELL, GET YOUR LAME-ASS NON-CONFRONTATIONAL BEMUSEMENTS OFF MY HOT SAUCE PACKET! THAT'S AN ORDER! But I ate it anyway. 4.) A "Slam Rocket", which is a handheld version of the Stomp Rocket, the toy I have often cited as the most dangerous toy possible. The modus operandi of the Stomp Rocket is: Set rocket on ground, point it upwards, and then jump onto the bellows to launch it straight up into your eye. The Slam Rocket is a little tube with what appears to be bright red nutsack at the bottom end. You grab the testicles below the shaft and pound your hand on the table to launch the rocket an even shorter distance into your eye. Highlights of the warnings on this deadly item: "CAUTION: DO NOT slam on glass or glass objects. DO NOT slam in a manner that will hurt your hand in any way." "CAUTION: Launch in open area only. DO NOT aim at any person or animal. DO NOT aim at eyes or face. NEVER fire any object other than rocket provided." "Not suitable for Children under 36 months due to small size of components." "WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD -- Small Parts. Not for Children under 3 years." "For Ages 5 and Up" "Safe" I believe this item will stay in its original protective packaging. 5.) A box of ten tiny plastic orange cones and ten tiny yellow barrels. It is a "Rally Course Racing Kit". The back of the box explains that I must use this with my ZipZaps micro RC radio-controlled car sold exclusively at Radio Shack to get "The ultimate radio control experience!" In fact, "You can create countless customized courses with these barrels and pylons. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination!" Okay, I want a radio-control car course that makes me President of the Galaxy. What? I can't make that with these little plastic cones? RADIO SHACK IS A LIAR! THEY'LL SAY ANYTHING TO SELL PLASTIC CONES! Oh, also, the box informs me that the car I must use with these cones is a genuine Ford Mustang Cobra, used under license from Ford Motor Company. You know, the same people who think that making commercials showing how their cars will deliberately chop the heads off my pets will make me want to buy one. Screw you, Ford, and the Radio Shack who licensed you. 6.) A packet of Limited Edition Reese's Inside Out peanut butter cups. Everyone else on a.r.k hated these last year when they were sold in stores, and I missed them, so Stacia was kind enough to send me a set of these so I can find out what happens when peanut butter cups are tan on the outside and dark brown on the inside. I am eating them now. First impression: The color of these is the same as kitty litter, except in the form of wax. Second impression: They taste exactly the same as regular Reese's, probably because they have the same artificial flavoring, just in a different order. Ho. Freakin'. Hum. But I ate them anyway. ...even though I know they must be from last year because they don't say "LOW CARBS" on them the way all sugar-based candy does now. Most interesting ingredient: "Reduced minerals whey". Yeah, they wouldn't taste like regular Reese's if they didn't take all the nutrition out. I feel kind of sick now. So there you have it. I ate everything Stacia sent me except the plastic toys and the horseradish (which I am saving for later, since I don't have anything to put it on right now -- I didn't think it was right for Reese's Inside Out) and if anyone else wants to send me weird masochistic candy items, you know I'm game. Oh, man, my stomach hurts. I better eat some of this horseradish. Okay, I tried a couple spoonfuls, but it was weak and during the second spoonful I found a HAIR in my horseradish so I gave up. I'm going to go eat something wholesome now like canned chili. Anyway, Stacia, thanks for all the amusing items, even if I'm going to die tomorrow. -- K. So should I send you something from Boston, like a live lobster? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things Stacia sent me. Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:14:33 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] Limited Edition Reese's Inside Out peanut butter cups. > > > > The innards (labia majora and cerebral cutical specifically) are the same > > as usual (powdered foam packing material), but mixed with the You Cant > > Understand Why Its Not Chocolate(tm) artifical chocolate flavour. > > I thought the innards were dirt-like but without the nifty flavor that > dirt brings to the party. Very crumbly. The outside was waxy. All in > all, an unpleasant experience, which I shared with Kibo. And what does not kill me makes me stronger. By the end of this year I want to be VERY strong. Please keep sending me candy that hurts. Do they sell electric nougat, ground glass Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, or any sort of Twizzlers with live bees attached to each end? I'M TIRED OF DEAD BEES IN MY CANDY! -- K. bzzzzzOWyum! bzzzzzOWyum! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things Stacia sent me. Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 16:17:05 -0400 Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@skizzzers.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I tried a couple spoonfuls, but it was weak and during the > > second spoonful I found a HAIR in my horseradish so I gave up. > > Well yeah, it's HORSEradish. Where'd you think it came from? Safeway? -- K. Is anyone else imagining that old commercial where the person tries two different shampoos at the same time to see which side is tingling, except with horseradish and hot pepper in someone's eyes? And if so, is it Jim Varney? Sure, he might be dead, but I bet enough eyeradish could still make him twitch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Won't My Messages Work? Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 01:43:14 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Does Kibo look at every single message before they are formally > > > posted? [...] Should any one person have this much power? > > > > You think Kibo is just one person? > > He thinks Kibo is a person? He's a wacky robot, and they aren't people! I AM NOT A ROBOT!!! I CRUSH YOU NOW!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Also, I have more power than any one robot could have, even one twice as awesome as a Roomba. I have so much power I could only be one of those human beings with lightning bolts where his hair should be. I have so much power that if I stuck my finger into an electrical outlet, every toaster in the world would burst into flame, and every TV set would have a picture of me yelling "I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!" permanently burned into its screen, and the sound of me yelling "I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!" burned into its speaker grille. Because, you see, I may have ALL the power in the world, but I AM NOT A ROBOT!!! -- K. BEEEEEEEEEEEE*cough*cough* ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nobody Tells Me These Things Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 15:59:12 -0400 Claudine (claudine@chionh.org) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > But as a bi-product, one day he taught me how to hold the que > > properly, so now I can whip everyones bunnie arses at pool > > Pool cues... bunnie arses... being whipped... you're scaring me, Tim. Is it the good kind of scared or the bad kind of scared? 'Cause they're both good. And they sure do add an emotional effect to a Sunday School Easter play. Method acting! Watch that bunny cower! Oh, yes! That's what he gets for trying to sell us those disgusting Cadbury Creme Eggs he laid! -- K. Always remember to chalk your cue for Satan. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spring is here! Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 21:38:23 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > The dumbass sports fans across the way are yelling and screaming > everytime one of Boston's lame-o teams scores a point or a run. Or a goal. Don't forget the Bruins are in the playoffs right now. They're two minutes from losing a game to the Canadiens. The Sens/Leafs series is scheduled on alternate days from the Bruins/Canadiens series, but none of my channels will show me the good games, because when two Canadian teams play they're forbidden to show it to Americans. So I suppose I should be rooting for the stupid Bruins so that I can see them play the Senators if the Sens also win. > The couple that has really loud sex should be kicking in any minute > now, unless they moved away over the winter. They're not nearly as > annoying. How do you define "really loud sex"? Also, what's your favorite type of drinking glass to press against the wall? -- K. Hate the Leafs, hate the Bruins, but I have no animosity towards the Canadiens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spring is here! Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:05:35 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How do you define "really loud sex"? > > Put simply, it sounds like she's auditioning for a porno movie. Oh. I thought you meant _loud_ sex. Porno movies only go as loud as your TV can go. > They were at it all last summer, I'm sure I've posted about it. > Pay Attention! Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the noise around here. > > Also, what's your favorite type of drinking glass to press against > > the wall? > > They're across the alleyway. No eavesdropping equipment required. So what's stopping you from just walking to the other side of the alley and putting your Boo Boo Bear jelly-jar glass against their wall? -- K. REAL loud sex sets off car alarms in neighboring states, shatters the lenses of spy satellites, and accidentally degausses all recorded history. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I think "Match Game" has warped me for life. Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:28:28 -0400 I wasn't paying much attention to the TV, and some woman was yelling about how her new nail polish, "NOW I CAN GROW MY NAILS PAST THE BREAKING POINT!", and what I heard was "NOW I CAN GROW MY NAILS PAST THE BLANKING POINT!" And now I can't think of a funny word to stick in her blank. Can anyone help so that I can win the fabulous twenty-dollar prize? I probably shouldn't be watching these thirty-year-old "Match Game" re-runs. I saw them all when I was a little kid, and I think that something on that show may have warped me for life, but I can't figure out what it was. -- K. "Whips, boots, chains, and a harness, and a leather hostess outfit." -- Charles Nelson Reilly ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I think "Match Game" has warped me for life. Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 00:48:53 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I probably shouldn't be watching these thirty-year-old "Match Game" > > re-runs. I saw them all when I was a little kid, and I think that > > something on that show may have warped me for life, but I can't figure > > out what it was. > > I think that's the difference between me and Kibo, he watched match game > a second time in re-runs on the Game Show channel, and I watched reruns > of the sinking of the bismark on the history channel. I do not know if > this was a good or a bad thing. I didn't even watch that _once_. Do I win, or was Charles Nelson Reilly on the Bismark when it went down? Were his shoes bolted to the deck like the captain of the HMS Britannia at the Treasure Island casino? After all, they have the same wig... Speaking of re-runs with Charles Nelson Reilly-esque wiggery, I just saw the repeat of the "Queer Eye" pilot episode, which was the only one filmed in Boston (with the big muscular dude, James, instead of the mercurial little Jai) and I was quite disturbed by the way half the shops they went to were ones I go to all the time (DeLuca's Market, Newbury Comics, and that crappy overpriced Copley Place mall across the street from the Prudential Shaw's) but the other half were ones I'd never heard of. I don't know which disturbs me more, that I found some of the shops the Fab Five endorsed, or that I didn't find all of them. And then they had the straight guy take his girlfriend to the Coolidge Corner Theatre. I work twenty feet from it. (Upstairs in the building across the alley.) So I had an irresistible impulse to go through the show frame-by-frame just to see if I showed up in the background of any of the shots, and I missed all the fashion tips about tucking your giant belt buckle into your cowboy boots or whatever Carson was nattering on about in that episode. Oh, and Ted is definitely one of those people who looks better with his glasses on. Thirty years from now, re-runs of "Queer Eye" will have the same ultra-kitschy cachet as "Match Game '76", and people will have the same reaction ("I bet that when this show was new, nobody noticed how gay it was!") -- K. I think the casts of "Match Game" and "Queer Eye" should switch for a day. It would be funny to see Brett Somers die in a creme brulee' accident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:41:33 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [weekly a.r.k statistics] > -> > -> Posts % of tot poster > -> ----- -------- ------ > -> 161 5.14 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > Wowie zowie, Potsie! How long has it been since Kibo was the top > poster? Years? Decades? I think Kibo should dress like Fonzie and > post to ARK more. Look what it's done to our complexions! I'll only wear my Fonzie jacket when the weather is a little warmer. For the next week or so I'm going to be sticking to my Squiggy jacket. I like it better (it's heavier and meaner-looking.) In other words, I won't wear the Fonzie jacket now because the weather is too cool for it, and so am I. Ayyyy. Why won't anyone ever invite me on "Sesame Street" to recite the cool part of the alphabet? "Ayyyyyy. Okay, we're done. Where's my money? Sit on it, Elmo -- don't be such a Muppet Potsie!" Also, I'd thump that big psychedelic pinball machine to make it stop playing that early-'70s funk music. Oh, and I'm going to save this cookie for later, I'll leave it right here on this plate balanced on top of this chest-high brick wall, and if anyone takes this cookie I'm going to park my wheels on his googly eyes. Ayyyyyyyy! -- K. Forget the rumors about Bert and Ernie. Don't you think Fonzie and Easy Reader were an item? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Christmas for Pervs Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2004 23:04:34 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Last night I dreamt that I finally managed to write a book, and it > became an Internetty cult sort of thing. It was a Dickensian parody > with lots of naughty R-rated sex scenes, and it was titled "Ebeneezer > Spooge". Were you dreaming about the "Ebeneezer Spooge" story from phoneflirts.com, or the other one titled "The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge"? Those are the only two Google lists. And neither one worked for me. > Even though it was an Internet book, I still dreamt the cover was that > fake brown "leather" which is really textured plastic, You had this dream just to annoy me, didn't you? You had me bothered at "fake", you didn't have to bring "brown" into it. > with "Ebeneezer Spooge" embossed in faux gold. I think it even said > it was written by "The Avocado Avenger". Who's that? > No more mild salsa for me before bedtime. Switching to the Old El Paso "extra-mild" with the blue lid? The one where the little pepper-shaped themometer on the label is not only all hollowed out, but changed to a smiley face so as not to even put an icon of a pepper in the salsa, let alone any vegetable matter of any sort? Why are you tricking me into asking you so many questions? -- K. Plastic is sexy only until it tries to pretend it's leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Origin of Nickname? Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 22:31:03 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > What is the origin of the nickname Kibo? > > In Japanese, "kibo" means "hope." Hey! Who told you to stop kneeling on that McDonalds hamburger griddle? Get back on there or I'll let the Hamburglar have another go at you with his rock-hard McMuffins! -- K. You have a tenth of a second to comply. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Urine Production in Mediaeval Times Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 00:55:45 -0400 [on role-playing games] Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Now this particular game (FATAL) is a mediaeval RPG which focuses on > realism, historical accuracy, and detail. Upon reading it, I found out > how to beat the system, viz: a gallon of urine sells for 10 silver > pieces, but a gallon of milk is only 5 silver pieces (See? That's > DETAIL. How many RPGs quote a price for a gallon of urine?). > Therefore, it should be quite simple to set up some sort of "urine > production factory" with milk as the input and urine as the output, > with a gross profit of 5 silver pieces per gallon. If you want to > really ratchet up the profit, a gallon of drinking water only costs > 1 silver piece. And parents everywhere think "Dungeons & Dragons" is evil just because it teaches children how to worship Satan correctly. "FATAL" involves Satanic watersports capitalism. Where's the moral outrage I demand for its entertainment value? Where's the exploitation movie where Tom Hanks plays "FATAL" and then drowns in his own urine atop a building that Osama bin Laden will blow up just because he hated the lame movie? > Also, don't download a copy of FATAL unless you aren't afraid of an > RPG which includes a roll for Anal Circumference. No, the roll's for the hot dog. Put the hot dog in the roll, not in your... Hey, why are you writing your character stats with a rectal thermometer? -- K. And why does Dr. Pepper pee in a bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello World Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 01:57:07 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > There, I pointed it out. Have I redeemed myself of my habitual > "throughting?" You must first kiss a Bigfootf. -- K. I hear they love ba_-_con. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can I Join Club 91? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 04:41:01 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Will you guys let me join Club 91? I assume that everyone here is in it but > me. Can I join? Sorry, you asked eighty-seven years early. Try again later. Remember that we will need to see all your bank statements and receipts from between between now and then. And if you ever buy a McBurger or ride a city bus or use a parking meter without getting a receipt, forget it. Also, I don't have to answer your questions. And aren't you supposed to be sitting on that wedge of dry ice in the G-force simulator? Get your butt in there! -- K. Stick to it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can I Join Club 91? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 19:53:07 -0400 Dave H. (ignatius00@juno.com) wrote: > > Hey folks. Seth should definately be able to join da club. I mean, can > u deprive a man from goin' clubbin? That's, like, a federal offense. I > say, "Let the man in!" Yo Iggy, No. There were two reasons Club 91 was formed in 1991. (1) To keep Matt McIrvin out, and (2) to keep Seth Goldin out. We might let someone named Seth Goldout in, because it's irritating to repeat a syllable, but no way do the immutable laws of physics and/or hazing permitted to bend even enough to let a glutton for punishment like Sethisname Whatsin join our fine secret organization. By the way, how did you find out about it? The Web page distinctly says "secret" somewhere near the bottom. Now we'll have to kill you. In your sleep. On TV. -- K. Also, it's not the sort of club you're thinking of. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can I Join Club 91? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 19:51:16 -0400 CM (maso@plonku.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Will you guys let me join Club 91? I assume that everyone here > > > is in it but me. Can I join? > > > > Sorry, you asked eighty-seven years early. Try again later. > > Dear Kibo, > > Would it hurt that much to bend the rules of Club 91 and the space-time > continuum a little so Seth too can enjoy the many benefits of membership? Yes, yes it would hurt both you and Seth a lot. However, I'm still not going to do it. > The warmth, the camaraderie, the devil-may-care hijinks, the dance of the > flaming arseholes, the freely provided ISP Internet service and the > overwhelming sense of wholesome goodness that is Club 91. Flaming arseholes? What sort of maso are you? On second thought, don't answer that question -- your kink might not be okay. > I have never met Seth and I am not personally a member of Club 91, but that > doesn't stop me from being able to see that I would not want to be a member > of a Club 91 that would or wouldn't have Seth as a member or vica versa. Deal. Write us when the two of you have formed your own club just for people who can't get into Club 91. > In the short time Seth has been posting to this webbage, he (or she) has > impressed me with his (or her) unscrupulous honour, unequivocal enthusiasm > and a sense of altruistically ambivalant daring-do that does great credit to > his (or her) parents, schooling, state and country. It is these attributes > that I feel would make Seth a responsible, dedicated and highly valued > member of Club 91. I'm sorry, but I saw that same paragraph in a newspaper flyer advertising discounted, defective vegetables at Stop & Shop. > In conclusion, I for one, heartily endorse Seth's bid for Club 91 membership > and humbly submit that you re-consider his (or her) membership application > at your earliest convenience. No. And aren't the two of you supposed to "humbly submit" while kneeling while dressed as a chicken while being ordered to "Dance YMCA" and spelling out "Y-M-D-A" with your wings because chickens are lousy spellers? > Yours sincerely, > Rupert Murdoch No. > PS You need more Egyptians anyway. Why? It's not as if they're any easier to mummify than any other type of maso. -- K. Say hi to Wild Wanda for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can I Join Club 91? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 19:54:13 -0400 Ljutefisk Bezoars (ljutefisk@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Will you guys let me join Club 91? I assume that everyone here is > > in it but me. Can I join? > > SETH, AND ALL WHO REPLIED TO THIS THREAD!!1! > > 1st RULE: You do not talk about CLUB 91. > 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about CLUB 91. Exactly. No matter how much lye he pours over his own hand, he's not getting in. And even if he turns out to have been _born_ before 91, he's still not getting in. He didn't post in 1991, therefore the club wasn't formed around him the way it did with everyone here who's in it (that would be me, David DeLaney, and... hmm, I think most of the others died in some sort of tontine accident.) -- K. I have all their gold teeth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological Ellensburg pt. II Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 19:55:11 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I was looking through the tourist handouts I snarrfed up while on > vacation and noticed that I missed the most kibological thing about that > mecca of wackyness: Ellensburg, Washington. > > -> CHCI Chimposium Information > -> > -> Chimposiums are one-hour, educational workshops involving our world- > -> renowned signing chimpanzees. > -> > -> Located on the Central Washington University campus, in Ellensburg, > -> Washington, the institute (CHCI) is designed to facilitate research on > -> primate communication--human as well as chimpanzee. It serves as a > -> training center for students and as an educational center for the > -> general public. [...] > > Wouldn't you just love to see a room full of kibologists trying to carry > on conversations with a bunch of wacky chimps? And that's different from what I'm doing here, how? I think these chimps who can communicate with humans need to be made productive members of society -- they should be given jobs so they can pay taxes like the rest of us. They'd be good at working for Swanson's figuring out which TV dinners should have the awful apple-cranberry dessert and which should have the even more awful cranberry-apple dessert. Either that or they should decide which TV shows get put on the air, like in that Kurt Russell movie. But they wouldn't determine which ones get cancelled. Only sadists are qualified to do that. -- K. Eep op ork AAAH!!! AAAAAAH!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mice Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:04:57 -0400 HPMgourmet (HPMgourmet@wheresthespam.net) wrote: > > I stopped into an Electronics supply store yesterday that often carries > surplus bits. They had a lovely box on display marked "Internet Mice". I'm holding out for a "Cyber Mouse". Because I don't have a regular computer. I got me a cyber computer. It doesn't connect to the Internet, it connects to cyberspace. That's like the Internet, except with random sound effects. When he invented cyberspace, Bill Gates hired Stan Lee to make those sound effects with his mouth. They're like how funny TV shows have a laugh track -- cyberspace has "whoosh" noises because it has a cool track. So obviously I can't use a regular Internet Mouse. > This is just wierd. Makes me think of furry things chewing on routers & > such. What, you never realized that most of the "furries" on the Internet are employed as system administrators, programmers, Webmasters, and tech support dweebs? -- K. For best results, whenever you call tech support, ask to speak to the Vorpal Bunny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:29:36 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Seriously, why is Kerri so mean to me? I have never done anything to her? > There is no reason for this bold obnoxiousness. Also, her vulgar language > is repulsive! > > What do you have to say for yourself, Kerri? Kerri, do I need to loan you something to use to maintain discipline on this unruly fellow who can't decide whether he's a supplicant or just a newbie? And Seth, do you know what happens when someone starts a sentence with the word "seriously"? You may speak to answer that question, but only by barking. -- K. Then we're gonna make you bark out an entire Ayn Rand book. A _new_ Ayn Rand book. Better start thinking up an outline. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me? Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 00:38:35 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And Seth, do you know what happens when someone starts a sentence with > > the word "seriously"? You may speak to answer that question, but only > > by barking. > > A molecule of oxygen collides with another molecule of oxygen and in a giant > burst of energy from lightning, ozone is created. Wrong. First, it's three oxygen molecules turning into two ozone molecules. Second, you should have said it like Rwo rolecules rof roxygen rollide rith reach rother rand rin ra riant rurst rof renergy rrom rightning, rozone ris rreated. You're not going to get your Scooby Snack until you shape up and learn as much atomospheric chemistry as the average educational cartoon dog. -- K. NOW GET BACK ON THE GRIDDLE AND KEEP SMOKING UNTIL I TELL YOU TO STOP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me? Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:56:27 -0400 Dave H. (ignatius00@juno.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Seriously, why is Kerri so mean to me? I have never done anything to her? > > There is no reason for this bold obnoxiousness. Also, her vulgar language > > is repulsive! > > > > What do you have to say for yourself, Kerri? > > Its because he hates you, Seth. People just kinda hate you. I mean, > whats not to hate?? A true sadist doesn't hate people like Seth. He doesn't like 'em, either. He just enforces the rules, and if the rules require Seth to wear a cheese-grater like a really tight muu-muu, then that'll be made to happen. A true sadist knows that the most hassle-free way to ride a crowded Red Line train is to bring along a red cattle prod. A true sadist is able to balance a cattle prod and a laptop computer on his lap at the same time. A true sadist spoils the endings of hockey games for people who haven't watched their TiVo'ed recordings yet. By the way, the Senators just beat the Leafs, 8-0. A true sadist finds the pressure point on the first try. A true sadist finds a new pressure point every time. A true sadist never lies. Never threatens. Never manipulates. A true sadist just says what's going to happen, and then it happens. SETH GONNA BE WEARING GRATER TONIGHT! So, Kerri, did I forget to mention any of your other good points? -- K. Ah, I have this end of the train car all to myself now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me? Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:34:43 -0400 HPMgourmet (HPMgourmet@wheresthespam.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Seriously, why is Kerri so mean to me? > > She is allowed Hey wow, you've adopted half my personal philosphy! > > There is no reason for this bold obnoxiousness. > > It turns some people on. That's a reason. Hey wow, and that's the other half! > > Also, her vulgar language is repulsive! > > It is allowed. And even if it wasn't, she'd do it anyway, because as a true Kibologist, she's allowed to do things that aren't allowed. Unlike Spot, who isn't even allowed to do things that _are_ allowed. Poor Spot! -- K. "vulgar language" does indeed turn me on, especially if the language in question is vulgate Latin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not Egyptian Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 00:46:34 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I'm sorry. That's wrong. Let's have a contest to see how incorrect you > can be. Tell you what, let's have a contest to see who can hit the softest. Better yet, let's see who can hit you the softest. I'll go first, and I choose the poured-concrete mace designed by Claes Oldenburg. -- K. And, oh yeah, you _are_ sorry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name any band... Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:15:15 -0400 Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Greetings: > > Name any band and I'll tell you why Queen is better. Okay, a band formed by the cast of my vanity production of "Match Game '04": Freddie Mercury, Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the Village People, Diana Rigg from "The Avengers", Uma Thurman from "The Avengers", Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill", and me. So how could Queen possibly be any better than The Super-Cool Leatherdudes With The Ass-Kicking Leatherbabes? And if you still don't think we'd be better than Queen, add in Brian Blessed in his winged helmet and little leather shorts from "Flash Gordon". You know, that movie that had music by Freddie Mercury and some guys who didn't wear enough leather. Also, Queen's "Yeah" was such an obvious rip-off of Paul Shaeffer's "Yeah". -- K. "I like leather. I rather fancy myself as a black panther." -- Freddie Mercury ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name any band... Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:51:38 -0400 [apparently in response to what I wrote, but Timothy forgot to quote _me_] Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Bzzzzt! WRONG ANSWER! Don't try to play the "Bzzzzt!" game with me, young man, because if I were to go over there and put the "Bzzzzt!" on you, your neighbors would wonder, "Why do all the lights in the neighborhood go dim whenever I hear someone screaming like a little girl?" > You neglected any guitar players (let alone any as good as Brian May!), > which means your band simply can not compete with Queen. I included two guys from the Village People. The Village People are so talented that they do not need musical instruments of any sort. Music just comes out of the air around them while they sing. Also, I'm pretty sure Diana Rigg could play the guitar, because either she or Patrick Macnee would need to know how because the two of them could do anything, and Patrick Macnee would never play an instrument for commoners. He'd play the grand harpsichord, and she'd play death metal on a death guitar of deadly death. In fact, everyone in my band, myself included, is massively multi-talented, except that Freddie Mercury guy, who just sings. And that's why my band is a billion times better than Queen, not to mention more macho. We're so macho that Queen would cower before us, weeping "You are the champions! You did, you did rock us! Another one of us bites the dust! Kibo, we love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!" -- K. Freddie may be a black panther, but I'm a Space Viking. And I could crush Sam J. Jones with one hand, even if he's armed with a green plastic football. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name any band... Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 03:24:54 -0400 Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Don't try to play the "Bzzzzt!" game with me, young man, because if > > I were to go over there and put the "Bzzzzt!" on you, your neighbors > > would wonder, "Why do all the lights in the neighborhood go dim > > whenever I hear someone screaming like a little girl?" > > I can scream like a little girl w/o `jumper' cables attached to my scrotum ...and I'm sure you do whenever your favorite boy band plays on the Disney Channel. If you ever reach puberty, you might consider listening to my band instead, although our CDs won't work in your Fisher-Price Close'N'Play or that little wind-up choo-choo that screeches out music from the bumpy records the size of bagel slices. Also, don't you dare abbreviate again. If you're too lazy to type a whole word for me, I'm going to get my hacksaw and abbreviate you. You'll be abbreviated, truncated, and abridged. And then I'll cram you into a Dixie Riddle Cup that says, "When is Timothy J. Bruce not a door? When he's abridged (a bridge duh)!" > (I too am multi-talented!) Yeah, but the members of _my_ band are both multi-talented and "versatile". > I already told you why Queen is better. You only get one chance and > arguing won't change the outcome. I'm not arguing, I'm just preparing you to feel the proper amount of painful, tragic forgiveness you're going to be blubbering out when these jumper cables go down your throat on their way to your scrotum. > Remember the 7:30 show is completely different than the 9:00 show, > Timothy J. Bruce Oh, I don't think the 7:30 show will be done in time for the 9:00 show. Tell you what, at 9:00 we'll just attach a second set of jumper cables while we're waiting for the first battery to get used up. Of course the audience will be charged double. Let them complain all they want after they've seen what happens to people who dare to contradict me. -- K. Do I hear bacon frying? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot sauce for Kibo Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:54:38 -0400 swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > You know, last week, I decided to try mixing all the hot sauces in my house > together. I ended up concocting a potent nerve agent completely by > accident. I call it...sarindipity. I'LL BE OVER AT MIDNIGHT! I like any food that comes with a side order of dippity. I wish there was a way hot sauce could be dipped in other hot sauce, but I'll settle for your swirly concoction of interesting new forms of pain. Man, I have such a hot sauce craving right now. All I had for lunch at work was a bagel which had chunks of jalapenos in it, and I could barely taste them because there was probably less than a total of one jalapeno in the bagel. And besides, jalapenos aren't all that great to start with. Very tangy, mildly hot, but not much flavor other than that weird sort of metallic, acid taste. They're fine when they're roasted to give them some flavor, but in a bagel you basically get a bagel where you keep asking yourself, "Hey, is there something green in here? If so, I can almost taste it." -- K. How come there are no blue hot peppers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: story waiting to be written Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:58:38 -0400 Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > As I trudged alone to my empty domicile this afternoon, across rolling > hills filled with carefree couples kissing and girls wearing the barest > legal minimum of clothing, to obtain my ration of three grains of rice and > a sip of water before returning to the drudgery of salt mining, I passed a > tractor. This tractor was filled with cans and brushes and neat > stencilling across the nose read: > > PAIN SHOP. > > Dear Kibo, or any other inspired scribe, please compose a work on the > Tractor of the Pain Shop. If desired, also include Gauss's brain in a jar > in Gottingen, Yves Klein's anthropometries, the procrusteanism of the > Dewey Decimal System, and the Gale/Shapely algorithm for the stable > marriage problem. My brain hurts because I just finished two more sets of taxes. I mailed them with three days to spare -- I was told to file mine by April 19 because I'm four days more important than anyone else. So I'll pass the honor along to someone else who wants to write about Seth Goldin being dragged to the pain shop behind the happy little tractor filled with singing, dancing paintbrushes and drunken, surly cans. -- K. Oh, and all the cans are filled with springs disguised as snakes disguised as nuts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's the moral of this story? Date: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 00:22:55 -0400 A short, sweet wire-service article. -> Woman Charged After Toilet Paper Claim -> -> WATERURY, Conn. (AP) - A 56-year-old woman has been charged with -> making a false report about poisoned toilet paper. -> -> State police said Carol L. Hall was arrested Tuesday for allegedly -> calling Waterbury Superior Court to report that the building's -> toilet paper had been contaminated with poison. -> -> The cell phone call was made in December and the call was taken -> seriously. Officials checked, but found no poison toilet paper. -> -> Hall was arraigned Wednesday and charged with falsely reporting an -> incident. -> -> State police did not say how they identified her or why she -> allegedly made the call. -> -> Hall was released after posting bond. Could someone please tell me what the moral of this story is? Also, wouldn't it be more effective to just poison the toilet seat? And how did the officers do a "no poison" test on the toilet paper? Was it one ply or two? What color? Was the roll hanging the normal way around, or the way people who have cats need to hang it? -- K. My guess as to the moral: NEVER USE TOILET PAPER. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Boston Marathon Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 05:04:27 -0400 Well, the Boston Marathon is on Monday. It always messes up the city big-time. (I live right next to the route, about a mile from the finish line, so because that street will be barricaded, half the city will be cut off from me.) What should I do to ruin the marathon for everyone? Please answer in the form of a happy fun children's story containing one of "caltrops", "open manhole", "Krazy glue", or "cattle prod", plus one of "Boston Public Library", "Mayor Menino", or "cattle prod". -- K. Also, "traffic cones" or "cattle prod". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Marathon Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 13:43:46 -0400 [on how to ruin the Boston F'ing Marathon] Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, "traffic cones" > > or "cattle prod". > > Set up traffic cones everywhere! Um... (a) They already did for the marathon and (b) Boston is _always_ covered with them anyway. > The obsession is excellent! Hey wow, you just said something that made me not want to punish you! But still you did it without being given permission to speak, so I'll have to enforce the rules anyway. Now bend over and grab your ankles with pliers. > You know me, the one obsessed with traffic cones. I stumbled onto > "Kibology" because of your section on your site about traffic cones. Oh. I knew there was a reason I hadn't bothered posting the other thousand or so photos I have of cones. There's a really beautiful one at the Green Line stop here where the cone has been pretty much ripped in two by a passing train, but the top half has been squeezed between the bars of a fence while the base, still connected by a narrow strip of plastic, stands upright as if nothing has happened. > Maybe you could set up a giant barricade routing the runners into > a dead end. But any barricade at the finish line would cause them all to go into the Boston Public Library. And I don't want to do that because it might entail more free publicity for the Boston Public Library, which already gets all the advertising it needs from Don Saklad. > You could also just throw them into the street, discombobulating > everyone. Don't hurt anyone though. Don't worry, once I'm finished hurting you I'll have no need to hurt any of the poor hard-working marathon runners. -- K. I suppose I could still _harm_ them if there's a way to do that without the _hurt_. Like, I could put lead paint in their drinking water to make them stupid in a slow, gentle way. Except this is Boston's water we're talking about, which is already a slurry of lead-based effluent with chunks of shredded orange cones floating in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 14:43:52 -0400 I was just about to go out shopping, but Kevin S. Wilson posted two new articles, and I spent ten seconds reading them, and during those ten seconds I heard a super-loud distorted "HELLO!" come in through my window as THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN! Apparently they're going to keep playing the same irritating tune (complete with clown whistle going "TWEET-TWEET-TWEET") every year until the end of time. Damn you, Kevin. Next time, post ten seconds earlier so I can go shopping before the truck gets here! Also, it's only April. So I'll wager I'll be really sick of this truck by the time summer starts in July. -- K. I want a heat-seeking missile where I can reverse the wiring to turn it into a cold-seeking missile that will wipe that truck off the face of Mission Hill. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:07:10 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want a heat-seeking missile > > where I can reverse the wiring > > to turn it into a cold-seeking > > missile that will wipe that > > truck off the face of Mission Hill. > > Are you still living in the Terrorist Arms on St. Alphonsus St.? If so, > there's no doubt that those Pakistani and Saudi neighbors of yours had a > solution to your problem, namely an RPG-7 rocket launcher with Mister > Softee's name on it. > > -> Roxbury address eyed in FBI probe > -> By Farah Stockman, Globe Staff, 4/10/2004 > -> > -> WASHINGTON -- The FBI is investigating a possible Al Qaeda > -> connection to several people who lived in a Mission Hill > -> apartment building that was once home to Aafia Siddiqui, > -> a Pakistani microbiologist now alleged to be a fixer for > -> the Al Qaeda mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks. > > Remember to lead on your target if it's moving. Oh shit. I did some digging, and hell yeah, that's my building, the one where I sued the landlord. The Boston Herald had a detailed article, excerpted here: => The FBI rejected Newsweek's description of Siddiqui, her family => and Saudi Arabians living in the 75 Alphonsus St. high-rise => apartment building as a possible al-Qaeda ``sleeper cell'' that => may have been plotting follow-up attacks to 9/11. So in some sense, I'm in the _safest_ possible building in which to live because I assume they were plotting to blow up some other building, like the Prudential Star Market, Cheers, or the S.S. Pierce Building. => ``We don't believe there are cells operating in => Massachusetts,'' Marcinkiewicz said, adding agents had thoroughly => reviewed Siddiqui's activities. Well, that's a relief. Now I'm sure I have nothing to worry about... => Newsweek obtained ``suspicious-activity reports'' filed by => Fleet Bank with the U.S. Treasury Department showing Siddiqui and => her now estranged husband, Dr. Mohammed Amjad Khan, made repeated => purchases from stores selling military equipment. => => They ordered from Black Hawk Industries in Chesapeake, Va., => and Brigade Quartermasters in Georgia - companies whose => inventories include parts for AK-47s and specialized combat => equipment, including vests designed for bomb disposal. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Well, I guess I won't be ordering anything from the Brigade Quartermasters catalog that's sitting in my bathroom. -- K. Why can't the terrorists leave me alone and just go blow up Freddie Prinze Jr.? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: International terrorism in my building (was: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!) Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:38:53 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => They ordered from Black Hawk Industries in Chesapeake, Va., > > => and Brigade Quartermasters in Georgia - companies whose > > => inventories include parts for AK-47s and specialized combat > > => equipment, including vests designed for bomb disposal. > > And I have bought light bulbs from General Electric, a company whose > products include guidance systems for nuclear missiles. Where can I get some of those? My local Home Depot only has their light bulbs. Also, why is it suspicious that the alleged terrorists might have been able to purchase "vests designed for bomb disposal"? Don't we want them to dispose of bombs instead of using them for evil? -- K. Note that I was careful to use the word "alleged" in that sentence because I wouldn't want Al-Qaeda to sue me for libel. Living in this building has already generated too many lawsuits. Sure, I _won_ the one against the landlord, but still it would be a nuisance to have to talk to Al-Qaeda's lawyers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 22:58:12 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > [...ice cream truck story...] > > > > I chased it for a few hundred yards, around the entire block, and > > then he sped off. Usually they go slow, but he just wouldn't stop. > > Maybe he thought he was being chased by the EGYPTIAN ARMY???? Did you > have any chariots with you at the time? Also, I understand how that > must have REALLY HURT YOUR FEELINGS for that to happen. But look at it > from another point of view: MAYBE HE HAD JUST RAN OUT OF ICE CREAM! > You didn't think of that, did you? Maybe he was SPEEDING BACK TO ICE > CREAM BASE ALPHA to RELOAD WITH ICE CREAM, and if he had stopped for > you, then that would have meant that he would have MISSED OUT ON > GETTING AN ICE CREAM RESUPPLY!! You didn't think of THAT did you Mr > Smart Guy? HUH? HUH? HUH? DID YOU? HUH? > > Do you ever think of ark as the NON-STOP EXPRESS ICE CREAM TRUCK of > UNSENET? DING DING! GREENSLEEVES! Wow, you're loud tonight. I could almost hear you over all these Ottawa Senators fans screaming for the referees to notice that Eddie "Eyebaggle" Belfour keeps jabbing people in the stomach with his goalie stick. And of course, I can't hear Seth at all over the noise of his screaming as the ice cream truck runs him over. > > That's a pretty weird way of conducting business, to not allow > > anyone to buy any products. I caught the truck many days after that > > though. Maybe it was because it was a different driver, a better > > driver. > > This story could have been made a lot better with the addition of a > paragraph like this: > > As Seth chased after the truck crying out pathetically with a tiny > voice, "Ice cream! Ice cream", he slipped on a banana peel, and landed > with his face in a big pile of dog pqqp. Ewwwwwwww!! Finally the truck > stopped! Seth clawed at his face, trying to clear his eyes and nose > of dog turd, and struggled to his feet. He shambled after the truck, > but it drove away again. A tear almost popped out of Seth's eye, but > the dog poo held it in. Then he noticed that the truck had stopped > again, just a few hundred metres up the road! This time Seth sprinted > with all his might after the truck! And he caught it! He said to the > driver through gasps as he tried to catch his breath, "One choc-top > cone with sprinkles please!". The driver replied gruffly, "Piss off > kid, this is a garbage truck." > > See? Much better! I really don't understand why all you folks are being so cruel to Seth. It's like suddenly you're all doing exactly what I would do. My plan is vorking. Vorking, I tell you... Vun! Vun vonderful plan vorking! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! And now, fifteen solid minutes of Elmo. Watch Elmo dance "YMCA" as he recruits thousands of sexually confused toddlers! Patrick Warburton's plan is working! Two! Two vonderful plans vorking! Ah-ha-ha-ha! -- K. Anagrams of "Seth Goldin": "No Delights", "Hot Sin Geld", "Hod Singlet", "Hid Snot Gel", "Golden Shit". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:17:36 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN! > > One time, I chased this ice-cream truck for about half a mile around my > neighborhood and that guy just wouldn't stop. "THIS" ice cream truck? You chased THIS truck into my neighborhood? NOW I'M MAD AT YOU. > I'm sorry; that comment was irrelevant and stupid. Comments are not stupid. The people who make them are. > You may commence bashing the newbie again. I do not need your permission. Now put your head in this Seal-A-Meal bag so you'll stay quiet. > I'm assuming that sooner or later, I'll be welcomed into > alt.religion.kibology. NOBODY is welcomed into alt.religion.kibology. Well, there is a smiley-face sticker above the intake chute to the spanking machine, but we fixed that by drawing a Hitler mustache on it. > Currently, "rone" and "kerri" don't like me. May I offer an apology > to both of them for whatever reason they are angry at me? No. You may not. -- K. And where's my fifty dollars? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:43:34 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Comments are not stupid. The people who make them are. > > It's like my grandma used to say, "There's no such thing as a stupid > question. But there are a lot of inquisitive idiots." What's a stupid question I could ask that would _make_ NBC film some new episodes of "Star Trek" with the entire original cast? -- K. Oh, and just in case anyone posts a followup: HEY, STUPID!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 22:59:30 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, and just in case anyone posts a followup: > > > > HEY, STUPID!!! > > Hi! a/s/l????? Oh, I hate you now. Are _you_ the reason the stupid Leafs just beat the stupid Senators in stupid Game 7 of the stupid Stanley Cup quarterstupidfinals? Even if you're not, don't _ever_ ask "A/S/L" at me again. My sexual hotness is too important to be reduced to three items! It requires you to know at least seven things about me if you want to date me without running away in tears! Also, you need to display the "K" scale from your Geek Code (www.geekcode.com) in case I can't remember whether or not I've already sexed you up and down. -- K++++++ But when do I get my own color in the Hanky Code? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:11:01 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was just about to go out shopping, but Kevin S. Wilson posted two > > new articles, and I spent ten seconds reading them, and during those > > ten seconds I heard a super-loud distorted "HELLO!" come in through > > my window as THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN! > > You shouldn't have revealed your weakness, Kibo. I'm taking a month > off from work just to watch you starve. Hope you have lots of > durian-flavored crackers in that pantry of yours, because you ain't > going to the grocery store anytime soon. Peapod.com, dude. > > Damn you, Kevin. Next time, post ten seconds earlier so I can go > > shopping before the truck gets here! > > Why don't you do like everyone else does and just ignore my posts? Because then I wouldn't be entitled to complain about how boring you are. You wasted ten seconds of my life. You owe me ten seconds. -- K. And not sloppy ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pooh in the news Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 15:01:54 -0400 The first sentence of a news story from the Winnipeg Sun [via www.canoe.ca]: -> -> Like many out there, Adam Humphreys, 30, is mightily ticked that -> Walt Disney Company Canada has decided not to have a Pooh Friendship Day -> at Assiniboine Park this summer. All's I know is it seems like a sentence about there being no Pooh in Ass-in-bone Park should lead into a dirty joke, but sad to say, the rest of the article was just about how some guy says his four-year-old will be disappointed by not seeing Pooh in the park. Could someone please write me the rest of a _good_ article to go with that sentence about there being no Pooh in Ass-in-bone Park? Also, how did this story get into a Canadian newspaper without mentioning hockey, curling, ringuette, poutine, or "Lexx"? -- K. Canada better start making their newspapers funnier if they want me to keep reading all of them. Sincerely, a concerned citizen of a real country. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's "should've said" moment. Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:05:42 -0400 So it's a beatiful sunny holiday weekend in Boston. I've just dyed my hair (it had been gold most of this weekend, now it's deep red.) The weather was nice, so I was out without a hat, wearing a black leather jacket, red T-shirt (not as dark as my hair), and black jeans. I was waiting for the #39 bus outside the Prudential Shaw's market, in front of a big building that says "FIRST CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST." A guy walking past looks at me and says, "You must be a SCIENTOLOGIST!" Which of these witty rejoinders did I _actually_ ad-lib, and which _should_ I have said? Hint: At the moment, my mind was on something else, so I said one of the uninteresting ones. a) (sinister) "No, I'm a SADIST!" b) (sinister) "No, I'm a KIBOLOGIST!" c) (sinister) "No, I'm a MAD SCIENTIST!" d) (sinister) "No, I'm a TERRORIST!" e) (puzzled) "Not me..." f) (in-your-face) "Does Edgar Winter have hair this color?" g) (in-your-face) "Don't make me go R2-.45 on your ass!" h) (sarcastic) "No, those aren't E-meter electrodes in my pocket, I'm just happy to see you." i) (sarcastic) "If you can't tell a Christian Scientist from a Scientologist, I'm not going to send you out to buy apples." j) (cool) "Ayyy, sit on it!" This person's response was "errrrRRRRrrrr!" -- I think that may have been an attempt to make a fire-engine noise (on account of the hair, see) or possibly he was just imitating the sound of the imaginary cat that was eating the inside of his brain. I'm not sure which I enjoy more, getting compliments on my choice of hair dye or these attempts to zing me in baffling ways. -- K. My mind was on a conversation I'd just had about the neurological reasons why bastinado is so much fun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's "should've said" moment. Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:16:30 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [...] > > A guy walking past looks at me and says, "You must be a SCIENTOLOGIST!" > > Which of these witty rejoinders did I _actually_ ad-lib, and which > _should_ I have said? [...] > > a) (sinister) "No, I'm a SADIST!" > > b) (sinister) "No, I'm a KIBOLOGIST!" > > c) (sinister) "No, I'm a MAD SCIENTIST!" > > d) (sinister) "No, I'm a TERRORIST!" I would like to go on the record stating that I am (a) and (b). And I only mean (a) in the good way, not the evil way. Sometimes I talk to people who are (c), but only to mock their crazy plans to "soft-land the Moon" on Iowa. (d) was just a jest I felt I could safely make because everyone knows I am completely harmless. -- K. Also, Kibology isn't a real cult. It's more like "Dungeons & Dragons". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: HI, EVERYONE!!!! I'M BACK!!! Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:26:51 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I suppose you've all been wondering what had become of me, since I > didn't post a single message to ARK yesterday. I think we were _hoping_ what had become of you. > Most of you were probably thinking, "Gee, I hope Kevin S. Wilson > is okay. Has anyone heard from him today?" Naw, we were thinking, "Gee, I wonder what's keeping Kevin S. Wilson tied up. Barbed wire?" > [...] > > Anyway, I just thought I'd stop by to say HELLO ARK!!! IT'S GOOD TO > READ MY POSTS AGAIN!! NOW I NEED A REST!!! Sleep, my pretty. Sleeeeeep! Eat the pink Pez and sleep forever! -- K. Now everyone's thinking, "What's put Kibo in a bad mood for _this_ five-minute span?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: DO YOU LIKE ??????? CHOCLATE Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 00:09:39 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > COVERED CHILLIS??? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THEM???? > > I LOVE THEM....... > > ~ HUGS ~ Uh oh, Tim's having a public endorphin trip. I'll hold his hand and keep him from getting the giggles and laughing himself to death until Barbara can come over and take away his candy for no legitimate reason. He should doze off in half an hour or so and then we can all put on the ape masks for when he wakes up in the lawless world of the future. Oh, wait, I don't have an ape mask. Forget that idea, it was silly. Hey, do you think he'd enjoy a pleasant surprise, like waking up tomorrow and finding himself covered in cool new tattoos? I found a place where I can mail-order a tattoo machine, but practicing on the pink rubber "practice skin" just wouldn't be realistic enough... It doesn't bleed right. Or even wrong. -- K. I think dark chocolate tastes quite unpleasant. Chilis, on the other hand, are like candy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: DO YOU LIKE ??????? CHOCLATE Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:48:16 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, do you think he'd enjoy a pleasant surprise, like waking up > > tomorrow and finding himself covered in cool new tattoos? I found > > a place where I can mail-order a tattoo machine, but practicing on > > the pink rubber "practice skin" just wouldn't be realistic enough... > > It doesn't bleed right. Or even wrong. > > Can't you just tattoo yourself, but with disappearing ink? No, because I wouldn't be able to practice sneaking up on myself in the middle of the night. You people don't think things through the way those of us who live in the real world do. -- K. Also, I don't bleed right either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The stupidest flamers on Fire Island Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 16:06:21 -0400 From www.newsday.com: -> -> Man set fire, stayed and died -> -> BY BART JONES AND ALFONSO CASTILLO -> STAFF WRITERS Okay, we believe you, you're staff writers! Stop writing so loud! -> April 19, 2004 -> -> An intoxicated Davis Park man died after he lit a rug on fire and -> challenged his roommate to see who could stay in the house on -> Fire Island longer Saturday night, Suffolk County police said. Too bad they didn't live in someplace more harmless, like Fluffy Bunny Island. Might have taken them days to kill themselves to see who could remain in a room with a fluffy bunny the longest. -> Police said Thomas Woods, 59, ignited the rug in his house at 9 -> Driftwood Walk sometime before 8 p.m. As the fire spread, Woods -> fired one or two rounds from a pre-World War I Mauser pistol, said -> Det. Sgt. Ed Fandrey of the Suffolk County homicide squad. Police -> do not know why he fired the gun. -> -> When the fire began spreading dangerously, Woods' roommate, Rod -> Bennett, ran to a neighbor's house to call 911 a few minutes after -> 8 p.m. -> -> Volunteers from the Davis Park Fire Department responded, along -> with neighbors who tried to extinguish the blaze with garden hoses -> and anything else they could find. But it was too late. "Rats, we're too late! We already missed him winning the game!" -> "All of a sudden, flames shot up," said one neighbor, Nancy -> Buglino. "The whole sky was lit up." -> -> A total of 75 firefighters from neighboring Fire Island -> departments as well as Blue Point and Patchogue eventually -> responded, some traveling across the Great South Bay by ferry. The -> fire was brought under control in 40 minutes. -> -> Fandrey said there were no indications of foul play, and that no -> arrests were made. "I don't expect we're going to be locking -> anybody up," he said. "It looks like it's a tragedy." -> -> Bennett was handcuffed after the fire, he said, mainly because he -> was combative and distraught. Bennett's story of what happened "is -> so incredible," Fandrey said, that it's probably "credible." Also, these guys are such amazing idiots, that they're geniuses of idiocy! -> Fandrey said the two men were drinking heavily Saturday night when -> Woods issued his dare: "Let's see which one of us leaves first." Wait, they did this for a _dare_, not a _wager_? That's stupid! They should have only burned the house down if someone could have won five dollars! -> A volunteer Davis Park firefighter who is also a neighbor was the -> first firefighter on the scene. He entered the house but could not -> find Woods because of smoke, Fandrey said. Bennett followed him -> into the house three times and had to be ejected. I'll have to consult the rule book to see whether that counts as leaving. This tragedy may have to go down in history with an asterisk after it. -- K. I want _my_ asterisk to precede me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 16:13:49 -0400 X-Correction: minor typo So I was reading some article on msn.com that was trying to funnel me into signing up for match.com (the article described "dating disasters" such as, this guy dated "an attractive woman" but when she wanted to give him a foot massage he yelled "Eww!" and ran away and bragged to msn.com that he had been smart enough to turn down a free massage from an attractive woman) and the article wasn't quite dopey enough for me to make fun of it here, except that at the bottom was a link to another penetratingly idiotic msn.com "news" story: -> Do gays have more fun? -> -> By Matthew Christopher -> -> We've all seen them by now, those frolicking five spilling out of -> their shiny SUV, rushing off to today's gala, cosmos in hand, -> laughing all the way. Whether it's whipping up a meal for -> seventeen, or renovating the bathroom, gay guys have a flair for -> making everything seem like a blast and a half. -> -> But, what's the inside scoop? Do gays really have more fun? -> -> In a word, yup. Even the American Heritage Dictionary is down with -> the facts. Look up "gay" and you'll find: -> -> 1. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of -> the same sex. -> -> 2. Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted -> excitement; merry. -> -> See? Oh, the whimsy and wit of finding one of those hep metrosexual dictionaries that's "down with the facts" of slang that was invented several decades ago. Oh, the satirical comedy of reading a dictionary definition and then saying "See?" Oh, pointing out that a word everyone knows has a double meaning has a double meaning. Oh, what a zinger. Oh, how precious. Oh, me fwow up now. -> Gay guys just get it when it comes to the finer points of -> frivolity. Dear Matthew Christopher, You are _so_ straight. -> After all, life is good and there's plenty to celebrate, so why not -> make the most of it? True, homo-sapiens of every stripe are hardwired -> to concern themselves with fulfilling their basic human needs. But -> gays are famous for taking it to the next level, waltzing those basics -> around the ballroom with flair and panache. Unless they're gay and black, in which case they don't just waltz, they waltz while shuckin' and jivin' and eatin' da watermelons. And if they're gay and black and Jewish, they do it while avoiding paying retail prices. And if they're gay and black and Jewish and a police officer, they do all that while eating a doughnut. I know because I've seen the evidence in that famous Mapplethorpe photo, "Gay Black Circumcised Cop". -> Here's the skinny: -> -> Food -> -> Forget the mac 'n cheese from a box and the brewski in the bottle. -> Not shy to don an apron and pick up a whisk, gay men put the B in -> brunch, the C in cosmopolitan. Food is festive, fun, and -> well-worth fussing over. Finagle yourself an invite to a gay -> friend's place for a meal, and you're sure to be wined and dined -> in signature style. *cough* *cough* a) A lot of gay guys are single and a lot of them have exactly the same sort of kitchen as a single straight guy, i.e. a thick layer of grease with one scratched-up Teflon pot somewhere underneath. b) Dear straight people of the world, if you do choose to treat a gay man's home as a restaurant, you won't be required to pay, but you might still have to "give him the tip". -> Clothing -> -> Who are millions of viewers turning to week-after-week to learn -> how to really get it right when it comes to wardrobe? Whether it's -> a tuck here or a zhoozh there, gay guys are famous for pulling off -> that seemingly effortless, perfectly put-together look. And -> everyone knows that when you look good, you feel good; and when -> you feel good, you have more fun. Okay, I had been wondering how to spell "zhoozh". Now tell us why you think straight people _don't_ do that. Didn't Al Bundy keep his hand there for 23 minutes of every episode? ("zhoozh" is slang for the act of tucking in the front of your shirt, as far as I can tell. I don't know as much about gay culture as the actor who plays Carson on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy".) -> Shelter -> -> Whether it's a wow of a window treatment, a chic and spectacular -> sectional, or a frisky faux-finish in the foyer, the brethren are -> clearly in command when it comes to making the most of the roof -> over their heads. How fun is that? While it's not known whether -> the gay gene and the interior decorating gene are actually cozied -> up on the DNA strand, evidence has suggested a possible link for -> generations. Oh, please stop with the tongue-in-cheek whimsy. Let's move on to playing with other, less-tired stereotypes. For instance, did you know that all pseudonymous msn.com writers pretending to be gay are really fat nerds with ponytails drinking Mountain Dew and that new version of Zima for straight people? -> Affection -> -> Read it and weep, my friends: gays have more friends, and gays -> have more physical intimacy. A knack for creating community, a -> penchant for impromptu parties, the gift of gab, and the -> manifestation of the male-drive-times-two, all add up to a -> sensuo-social calendar that would keep any companionable creature -> cavorting in compatible company for days. Holy alliteration! Ah, now I get it. This wacky article is written from the point of view of someone whose entire idea of gay culture comes from "Batman" reruns. I'm not saying "Batman" is inaccurate in its depiction of the gay lifestyle, I'm just saying it's incomplete. I mean, there was "Star Trek" too. Not to mention Bert & Ernie. -> Fabulosity -> -> Or, as renowned psychological theorist Abraham Maslow called it, -> self-actualization. Whatever your vernacular, it translates to -> being who you truly are and being it to the hilt. Sure, gays live -> in a land that might prefer we'd work a little harder to conform -> to the norm, but that's just not who we are. Declaring -> independence from an ill-fitting set of statutes is like, well, -> busting out of a stuffy little closet and running around the block -> naked while singing Diana Ross songs at the top of your lungs. "ill-fitting set of statutes" is a mixed metaphor and we all know that real gay guys never use those because they're fastidious and prissy and never, ever mix anything except drinks and to do that they need a blender because their wrists are all floppy from going "YOOOO-HOOOOO!" at sailors all day. -> Or something. Free to be our true fabulous selves, we celebrate our -> creative native spirit. And hey, celebration is just a whole lot -> of fun. If gay people have "native spirit", if you truly believe that gay people evolved from American Indians, then how do you explain that being gay and being European is the same thing? Tell us more, "Matthew Christopher", if that _is_ a real gay name. -- K. Real gay men don't have a first name as a last name, because they don't have any sort of last names. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 19:25:43 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [silly msn.com article] > -> > -> Finagle yourself an invite to a gay friend's place for a meal, > -> and you're sure to be wined and dined in signature style. > > What, 4x80 with the proper delimiters? I hear that when Matt McIrvin cooks pasta in that style, he tests its doneness with his Aldent-O-Meter. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! Also, he's not very good at it, because he's straight. I think he even owns a microwave oven. -- K. Everything I cook comes out leathery or rubbery. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 21:30:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hear that when Matt McIrvin cooks pasta in [signature] style, he tests > > its doneness with his Aldent-O-Meter. > > You know, they say someday pasta will be too _cheap_ to meter. But by then clean water to boil it in will be a thousand dollars an ounce. > > Also, he's not very good at it, because he's straight. I think he > > even owns a microwave oven. > > My microwave oven sits on the front burner of my "real" oven. How perverse > is _that_? Depends. Are you straight? Is your microwave oven straight? Is your "real" oven straight? And are you using it as a food-cooker or as an autoclave for some sort of icky toy which requires you to drink several quarts of cranberry juice every day? -- K. (sadly, red Kool-Aid won't work.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Further annoyances at my building. Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 19:04:58 -0400 As if the obnoxious ice cream truck that won't go away and the Al-Qaeda sleeper cell (which I think did go away) weren't enough to drive me crazy in this building, there's also Dirt Bike Dude. I call him Dirt Bike Dude because he rides a very loud little cycle around the block outside over and over all afternoon when the weather's nice. One of those little vehicles that sounds exactly like a chainsaw except far louder. He's not going excessively fast, he doesn't seem to be racing with anyone, he just seems to like going up and down the streets of the housing project across the street, taking him past the front of my building every few minutes. At least the guy on the giant tricycle who rides down the sidewalk while constantly screaming goes to different parts of Boston every day (you can't live in the area without seeing him a couple times a year.) Dirt Bike Dude, on the other hand, seems to spend all his time right outside my window. He's one of those pests who's unique to Mission Hill. Maybe if I'm lucky the loud mini-cycle and the loud ice cream truck will crash into each other. I know: I'll give them copies of the DeLorme Street Atlas USA software and then they'll try to take that imaginary road that goes through where my building's been for the last thirty years, and they'll crash into the laundry room, taking out themselves, several Al-Qaeda collaborators, and the clothes-dryer that charges $1.26 instead of $1.25 like the others. Damn, this guy's tiny little clown bike is L*O*U*D. -- K. MapQuest.com doesn't show the fantasy street, but it does have Huntington Avenue labelled "Avenue Of The Arts", just to confuse the terrorists if they try to go to the Museum Of Fine Arts.