From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me?
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 00:38:35 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And Seth, do you know what happens when someone starts a sentence with
> > the word "seriously"? You may speak to answer that question, but only
> > by barking.
>
> A molecule of oxygen collides with another molecule of oxygen and in a giant
> burst of energy from lightning, ozone is created.
Wrong.
First, it's three oxygen molecules turning into two ozone molecules.
Second, you should have said it like
Rwo rolecules rof roxygen rollide rith reach rother rand rin ra riant
rurst rof renergy rrom rightning, rozone ris rreated.
You're not going to get your Scooby Snack until you shape up and learn
as much atomospheric chemistry as the average educational cartoon dog.
-- K.
NOW GET BACK ON THE GRIDDLE
AND KEEP SMOKING UNTIL I
TELL YOU TO STOP!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Why Is Kerri so mean to me?
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:56:27 -0400
Dave H. (ignatius00@juno.com) wrote:
>
> Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
> >
> > Seriously, why is Kerri so mean to me? I have never done anything to her?
> > There is no reason for this bold obnoxiousness. Also, her vulgar language
> > is repulsive!
> >
> > What do you have to say for yourself, Kerri?
>
> Its because he hates you, Seth. People just kinda hate you. I mean,
> whats not to hate??
A true sadist doesn't hate people like Seth. He doesn't like 'em, either.
He just enforces the rules, and if the rules require Seth to wear a
cheese-grater like a really tight muu-muu, then that'll be made to happen.
A true sadist knows that the most hassle-free way to ride a crowded Red Line
train is to bring along a red cattle prod. A true sadist is able to balance
a cattle prod and a laptop computer on his lap at the same time.
A true sadist spoils the endings of hockey games for people who haven't
watched their TiVo'ed recordings yet. By the way, the Senators just
beat the Leafs, 8-0.
A true sadist finds the pressure point on the first try. A true sadist
finds a new pressure point every time.
A true sadist never lies. Never threatens. Never manipulates.
A true sadist just says what's going to happen, and then it happens.
SETH GONNA BE WEARING GRATER TONIGHT!
So, Kerri, did I forget to mention any of your other good points?
-- K.
Ah, I have this end of the
train car all to myself now.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Not Egyptian
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 00:46:34 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> I'm sorry. That's wrong. Let's have a contest to see how incorrect you
> can be.
Tell you what, let's have a contest to see who can hit the softest.
Better yet, let's see who can hit you the softest. I'll go first, and
I choose the poured-concrete mace designed by Claes Oldenburg.
-- K.
And, oh yeah, you _are_ sorry.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Name any band...
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:15:15 -0400
Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Greetings:
>
> Name any band and I'll tell you why Queen is better.
Okay, a band formed by the cast of my vanity production of "Match Game '04":
Freddie Mercury, Glenn from the Village People, Eric from the Village People,
Diana Rigg from "The Avengers", Uma Thurman from "The Avengers",
Uma Thurman from "Kill Bill", and me. So how could Queen possibly be any
better than The Super-Cool Leatherdudes With The Ass-Kicking Leatherbabes?
And if you still don't think we'd be better than Queen, add in Brian Blessed
in his winged helmet and little leather shorts from "Flash Gordon".
You know, that movie that had music by Freddie Mercury and some guys
who didn't wear enough leather.
Also, Queen's "Yeah" was such an obvious rip-off of Paul Shaeffer's "Yeah".
-- K.
"I like leather. I rather fancy
myself as a black panther."
-- Freddie Mercury
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Name any band...
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:51:38 -0400
[apparently in response to what I wrote, but Timothy forgot to quote _me_]
Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Bzzzzt! WRONG ANSWER!
Don't try to play the "Bzzzzt!" game with me, young man, because if
I were to go over there and put the "Bzzzzt!" on you, your neighbors
would wonder, "Why do all the lights in the neighborhood go dim
whenever I hear someone screaming like a little girl?"
> You neglected any guitar players (let alone any as good as Brian May!),
> which means your band simply can not compete with Queen.
I included two guys from the Village People. The Village People are
so talented that they do not need musical instruments of any sort.
Music just comes out of the air around them while they sing.
Also, I'm pretty sure Diana Rigg could play the guitar, because either
she or Patrick Macnee would need to know how because the two of them
could do anything, and Patrick Macnee would never play an instrument
for commoners. He'd play the grand harpsichord, and she'd play
death metal on a death guitar of deadly death.
In fact, everyone in my band, myself included, is massively multi-talented,
except that Freddie Mercury guy, who just sings. And that's why my
band is a billion times better than Queen, not to mention more macho.
We're so macho that Queen would cower before us, weeping "You are the
champions! You did, you did rock us! Another one of us bites the dust!
Kibo, we love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!"
-- K.
Freddie may be a black panther,
but I'm a Space Viking.
And I could crush Sam J. Jones
with one hand, even if he's
armed with a green plastic football.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Name any band...
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 03:24:54 -0400
Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Don't try to play the "Bzzzzt!" game with me, young man, because if
> > I were to go over there and put the "Bzzzzt!" on you, your neighbors
> > would wonder, "Why do all the lights in the neighborhood go dim
> > whenever I hear someone screaming like a little girl?"
>
> I can scream like a little girl w/o `jumper' cables attached to my scrotum
...and I'm sure you do whenever your favorite boy band plays on the
Disney Channel. If you ever reach puberty, you might consider listening
to my band instead, although our CDs won't work in your Fisher-Price
Close'N'Play or that little wind-up choo-choo that screeches out music
from the bumpy records the size of bagel slices.
Also, don't you dare abbreviate again. If you're too lazy to type
a whole word for me, I'm going to get my hacksaw and abbreviate you.
You'll be abbreviated, truncated, and abridged. And then I'll cram
you into a Dixie Riddle Cup that says, "When is Timothy J. Bruce
not a door? When he's abridged (a bridge duh)!"
> (I too am multi-talented!)
Yeah, but the members of _my_ band are both multi-talented and "versatile".
> I already told you why Queen is better. You only get one chance and
> arguing won't change the outcome.
I'm not arguing, I'm just preparing you to feel the proper amount of
painful, tragic forgiveness you're going to be blubbering out when
these jumper cables go down your throat on their way to your scrotum.
> Remember the 7:30 show is completely different than the 9:00 show,
> Timothy J. Bruce
Oh, I don't think the 7:30 show will be done in time for the 9:00 show.
Tell you what, at 9:00 we'll just attach a second set of jumper cables
while we're waiting for the first battery to get used up.
Of course the audience will be charged double. Let them complain all
they want after they've seen what happens to people who dare to
contradict me.
-- K.
Do I hear bacon frying?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hot sauce for Kibo
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:54:38 -0400
swt (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> You know, last week, I decided to try mixing all the hot sauces in my house
> together. I ended up concocting a potent nerve agent completely by
> accident. I call it...sarindipity.
I'LL BE OVER AT MIDNIGHT!
I like any food that comes with a side order of dippity. I wish there
was a way hot sauce could be dipped in other hot sauce, but I'll settle
for your swirly concoction of interesting new forms of pain.
Man, I have such a hot sauce craving right now. All I had for lunch
at work was a bagel which had chunks of jalapenos in it, and I could
barely taste them because there was probably less than a total of
one jalapeno in the bagel. And besides, jalapenos aren't all that
great to start with. Very tangy, mildly hot, but not much flavor
other than that weird sort of metallic, acid taste. They're fine when
they're roasted to give them some flavor, but in a bagel you basically
get a bagel where you keep asking yourself, "Hey, is there something
green in here? If so, I can almost taste it."
-- K.
How come there are no
blue hot peppers?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: story waiting to be written
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:58:38 -0400
Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote:
>
> As I trudged alone to my empty domicile this afternoon, across rolling
> hills filled with carefree couples kissing and girls wearing the barest
> legal minimum of clothing, to obtain my ration of three grains of rice and
> a sip of water before returning to the drudgery of salt mining, I passed a
> tractor. This tractor was filled with cans and brushes and neat
> stencilling across the nose read:
>
> PAIN SHOP.
>
> Dear Kibo, or any other inspired scribe, please compose a work on the
> Tractor of the Pain Shop. If desired, also include Gauss's brain in a jar
> in Gottingen, Yves Klein's anthropometries, the procrusteanism of the
> Dewey Decimal System, and the Gale/Shapely algorithm for the stable
> marriage problem.
My brain hurts because I just finished two more sets of taxes.
I mailed them with three days to spare -- I was told to file mine
by April 19 because I'm four days more important than anyone else.
So I'll pass the honor along to someone else who wants to write about
Seth Goldin being dragged to the pain shop behind the happy little tractor
filled with singing, dancing paintbrushes and drunken, surly cans.
-- K.
Oh, and all the cans
are filled with springs
disguised as snakes
disguised as nuts.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: What's the moral of this story?
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 2004 00:22:55 -0400
A short, sweet wire-service article.
-> Woman Charged After Toilet Paper Claim
->
-> WATERURY, Conn. (AP) - A 56-year-old woman has been charged with
-> making a false report about poisoned toilet paper.
->
-> State police said Carol L. Hall was arrested Tuesday for allegedly
-> calling Waterbury Superior Court to report that the building's
-> toilet paper had been contaminated with poison.
->
-> The cell phone call was made in December and the call was taken
-> seriously. Officials checked, but found no poison toilet paper.
->
-> Hall was arraigned Wednesday and charged with falsely reporting an
-> incident.
->
-> State police did not say how they identified her or why she
-> allegedly made the call.
->
-> Hall was released after posting bond.
Could someone please tell me what the moral of this story is?
Also, wouldn't it be more effective to just poison the toilet seat?
And how did the officers do a "no poison" test on the toilet paper?
Was it one ply or two? What color? Was the roll hanging the normal way
around, or the way people who have cats need to hang it?
-- K.
My guess as to the moral:
NEVER USE TOILET PAPER.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Boston Marathon
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 05:04:27 -0400
Well, the Boston Marathon is on Monday. It always messes up the city
big-time. (I live right next to the route, about a mile from the
finish line, so because that street will be barricaded, half the
city will be cut off from me.)
What should I do to ruin the marathon for everyone?
Please answer in the form of a happy fun children's story containing
one of "caltrops", "open manhole", "Krazy glue", or "cattle prod",
plus one of "Boston Public Library", "Mayor Menino", or "cattle prod".
-- K.
Also, "traffic cones"
or "cattle prod".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston Marathon
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 13:43:46 -0400
[on how to ruin the Boston F'ing Marathon]
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Also, "traffic cones"
> > or "cattle prod".
>
> Set up traffic cones everywhere!
Um... (a) They already did for the marathon and (b) Boston is _always_
covered with them anyway.
> The obsession is excellent!
Hey wow, you just said something that made me not want to punish you!
But still you did it without being given permission to speak, so I'll
have to enforce the rules anyway. Now bend over and grab your ankles
with pliers.
> You know me, the one obsessed with traffic cones. I stumbled onto
> "Kibology" because of your section on your site about traffic cones.
Oh. I knew there was a reason I hadn't bothered posting the other
thousand or so photos I have of cones.
There's a really beautiful one at the Green Line stop here where
the cone has been pretty much ripped in two by a passing train,
but the top half has been squeezed between the bars of a fence
while the base, still connected by a narrow strip of plastic, stands
upright as if nothing has happened.
> Maybe you could set up a giant barricade routing the runners into
> a dead end.
But any barricade at the finish line would cause them all to go
into the Boston Public Library. And I don't want to do that because
it might entail more free publicity for the Boston Public Library,
which already gets all the advertising it needs from Don Saklad.
> You could also just throw them into the street, discombobulating
> everyone. Don't hurt anyone though.
Don't worry, once I'm finished hurting you I'll have no need to
hurt any of the poor hard-working marathon runners.
-- K.
I suppose I could still
_harm_ them if there's
a way to do that without
the _hurt_. Like, I could
put lead paint in their
drinking water to make
them stupid in a slow,
gentle way. Except this
is Boston's water we're
talking about, which
is already a slurry
of lead-based effluent
with chunks of shredded
orange cones floating
in it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 14:43:52 -0400
I was just about to go out shopping, but Kevin S. Wilson posted two
new articles, and I spent ten seconds reading them, and during those
ten seconds I heard a super-loud distorted "HELLO!" come in through
my window as THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN!
Apparently they're going to keep playing the same irritating tune
(complete with clown whistle going "TWEET-TWEET-TWEET") every year
until the end of time.
Damn you, Kevin. Next time, post ten seconds earlier so I can go
shopping before the truck gets here!
Also, it's only April. So I'll wager I'll be really sick of this
truck by the time summer starts in July.
-- K.
I want a heat-seeking missile
where I can reverse the wiring
to turn it into a cold-seeking
missile that will wipe that
truck off the face of Mission Hill.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:07:10 -0400
Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I want a heat-seeking missile
> > where I can reverse the wiring
> > to turn it into a cold-seeking
> > missile that will wipe that
> > truck off the face of Mission Hill.
>
> Are you still living in the Terrorist Arms on St. Alphonsus St.? If so,
> there's no doubt that those Pakistani and Saudi neighbors of yours had a
> solution to your problem, namely an RPG-7 rocket launcher with Mister
> Softee's name on it.
>
> -> Roxbury address eyed in FBI probe
> -> By Farah Stockman, Globe Staff, 4/10/2004
> ->
> -> WASHINGTON -- The FBI is investigating a possible Al Qaeda
> -> connection to several people who lived in a Mission Hill
> -> apartment building that was once home to Aafia Siddiqui,
> -> a Pakistani microbiologist now alleged to be a fixer for
> -> the Al Qaeda mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks.
>
> Remember to lead on your target if it's moving.
Oh shit.
I did some digging, and hell yeah, that's my building, the one where I sued
the landlord. The Boston Herald had a detailed article, excerpted here:
=> The FBI rejected Newsweek's description of Siddiqui, her family
=> and Saudi Arabians living in the 75 Alphonsus St. high-rise
=> apartment building as a possible al-Qaeda ``sleeper cell'' that
=> may have been plotting follow-up attacks to 9/11.
So in some sense, I'm in the _safest_ possible building in which to live
because I assume they were plotting to blow up some other building, like
the Prudential Star Market, Cheers, or the S.S. Pierce Building.
=> ``We don't believe there are cells operating in
=> Massachusetts,'' Marcinkiewicz said, adding agents had thoroughly
=> reviewed Siddiqui's activities.
Well, that's a relief. Now I'm sure I have nothing to worry about...
=> Newsweek obtained ``suspicious-activity reports'' filed by
=> Fleet Bank with the U.S. Treasury Department showing Siddiqui and
=> her now estranged husband, Dr. Mohammed Amjad Khan, made repeated
=> purchases from stores selling military equipment.
=>
=> They ordered from Black Hawk Industries in Chesapeake, Va.,
=> and Brigade Quartermasters in Georgia - companies whose
=> inventories include parts for AK-47s and specialized combat
=> equipment, including vests designed for bomb disposal.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Well, I guess I won't be ordering anything
from the Brigade Quartermasters catalog that's sitting in my bathroom.
-- K.
Why can't the terrorists leave
me alone and just go blow up
Freddie Prinze Jr.?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: International terrorism in my building (was: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!)
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:38:53 -0400
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > => They ordered from Black Hawk Industries in Chesapeake, Va.,
> > => and Brigade Quartermasters in Georgia - companies whose
> > => inventories include parts for AK-47s and specialized combat
> > => equipment, including vests designed for bomb disposal.
>
> And I have bought light bulbs from General Electric, a company whose
> products include guidance systems for nuclear missiles.
Where can I get some of those? My local Home Depot only has their
light bulbs.
Also, why is it suspicious that the alleged terrorists might have
been able to purchase "vests designed for bomb disposal"? Don't we
want them to dispose of bombs instead of using them for evil?
-- K.
Note that I was careful to
use the word "alleged" in that
sentence because I wouldn't want
Al-Qaeda to sue me for libel.
Living in this building has
already generated too many
lawsuits. Sure, I _won_ the
one against the landlord,
but still it would be a nuisance
to have to talk to Al-Qaeda's
lawyers.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 22:58:12 -0400
Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
>
> Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...ice cream truck story...]
> >
> > I chased it for a few hundred yards, around the entire block, and
> > then he sped off. Usually they go slow, but he just wouldn't stop.
>
> Maybe he thought he was being chased by the EGYPTIAN ARMY???? Did you
> have any chariots with you at the time? Also, I understand how that
> must have REALLY HURT YOUR FEELINGS for that to happen. But look at it
> from another point of view: MAYBE HE HAD JUST RAN OUT OF ICE CREAM!
> You didn't think of that, did you? Maybe he was SPEEDING BACK TO ICE
> CREAM BASE ALPHA to RELOAD WITH ICE CREAM, and if he had stopped for
> you, then that would have meant that he would have MISSED OUT ON
> GETTING AN ICE CREAM RESUPPLY!! You didn't think of THAT did you Mr
> Smart Guy? HUH? HUH? HUH? DID YOU? HUH?
>
> Do you ever think of ark as the NON-STOP EXPRESS ICE CREAM TRUCK of
> UNSENET? DING DING! GREENSLEEVES!
Wow, you're loud tonight. I could almost hear you over all these
Ottawa Senators fans screaming for the referees to notice that
Eddie "Eyebaggle" Belfour keeps jabbing people in the stomach
with his goalie stick. And of course, I can't hear Seth at all
over the noise of his screaming as the ice cream truck runs him over.
> > That's a pretty weird way of conducting business, to not allow
> > anyone to buy any products. I caught the truck many days after that
> > though. Maybe it was because it was a different driver, a better
> > driver.
>
> This story could have been made a lot better with the addition of a
> paragraph like this:
>
> As Seth chased after the truck crying out pathetically with a tiny
> voice, "Ice cream! Ice cream", he slipped on a banana peel, and landed
> with his face in a big pile of dog pqqp. Ewwwwwwww!! Finally the truck
> stopped! Seth clawed at his face, trying to clear his eyes and nose
> of dog turd, and struggled to his feet. He shambled after the truck,
> but it drove away again. A tear almost popped out of Seth's eye, but
> the dog poo held it in. Then he noticed that the truck had stopped
> again, just a few hundred metres up the road! This time Seth sprinted
> with all his might after the truck! And he caught it! He said to the
> driver through gasps as he tried to catch his breath, "One choc-top
> cone with sprinkles please!". The driver replied gruffly, "Piss off
> kid, this is a garbage truck."
>
> See? Much better!
I really don't understand why all you folks are being so cruel to Seth.
It's like suddenly you're all doing exactly what I would do.
My plan is vorking. Vorking, I tell you... Vun! Vun vonderful plan vorking!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! And now, fifteen solid minutes of Elmo. Watch Elmo dance
"YMCA" as he recruits thousands of sexually confused toddlers! Patrick
Warburton's plan is working! Two! Two vonderful plans vorking! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
-- K.
Anagrams of "Seth Goldin":
"No Delights", "Hot Sin Geld",
"Hod Singlet", "Hid Snot Gel",
"Golden Shit".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:17:36 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...] THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN!
>
> One time, I chased this ice-cream truck for about half a mile around my
> neighborhood and that guy just wouldn't stop.
"THIS" ice cream truck? You chased THIS truck into my neighborhood?
NOW I'M MAD AT YOU.
> I'm sorry; that comment was irrelevant and stupid.
Comments are not stupid. The people who make them are.
> You may commence bashing the newbie again.
I do not need your permission. Now put your head in this Seal-A-Meal bag
so you'll stay quiet.
> I'm assuming that sooner or later, I'll be welcomed into
> alt.religion.kibology.
NOBODY is welcomed into alt.religion.kibology. Well, there is a
smiley-face sticker above the intake chute to the spanking machine,
but we fixed that by drawing a Hitler mustache on it.
> Currently, "rone" and "kerri" don't like me. May I offer an apology
> to both of them for whatever reason they are angry at me?
No. You may not.
-- K.
And where's my fifty dollars?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:43:34 -0400
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Comments are not stupid. The people who make them are.
>
> It's like my grandma used to say, "There's no such thing as a stupid
> question. But there are a lot of inquisitive idiots."
What's a stupid question I could ask that would _make_ NBC film some
new episodes of "Star Trek" with the entire original cast?
-- K.
Oh, and just in case anyone
posts a followup:
HEY, STUPID!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 22:59:30 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Oh, and just in case anyone posts a followup:
> >
> > HEY, STUPID!!!
>
> Hi! a/s/l?????
Oh, I hate you now.
Are _you_ the reason the stupid Leafs just beat the stupid Senators
in stupid Game 7 of the stupid Stanley Cup quarterstupidfinals?
Even if you're not, don't _ever_ ask "A/S/L" at me again. My sexual hotness is
too important to be reduced to three items! It requires you to know at least
seven things about me if you want to date me without running away in tears!
Also, you need to display the "K" scale from your Geek Code (www.geekcode.com)
in case I can't remember whether or not I've already sexed you up and down.
-- K++++++
But when do I get my own
color in the Hanky Code?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!!
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:11:01 -0400
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I was just about to go out shopping, but Kevin S. Wilson posted two
> > new articles, and I spent ten seconds reading them, and during those
> > ten seconds I heard a super-loud distorted "HELLO!" come in through
> > my window as THAT GODDAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK INVADED MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN!
>
> You shouldn't have revealed your weakness, Kibo. I'm taking a month
> off from work just to watch you starve. Hope you have lots of
> durian-flavored crackers in that pantry of yours, because you ain't
> going to the grocery store anytime soon.
Peapod.com, dude.
> > Damn you, Kevin. Next time, post ten seconds earlier so I can go
> > shopping before the truck gets here!
>
> Why don't you do like everyone else does and just ignore my posts?
Because then I wouldn't be entitled to complain about how boring you are.
You wasted ten seconds of my life. You owe me ten seconds.
-- K.
And not sloppy ones.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Pooh in the news
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 15:01:54 -0400
The first sentence of a news story from the Winnipeg Sun [via www.canoe.ca]:
->
-> Like many out there, Adam Humphreys, 30, is mightily ticked that
-> Walt Disney Company Canada has decided not to have a Pooh Friendship Day
-> at Assiniboine Park this summer.
All's I know is it seems like a sentence about there being no Pooh in
Ass-in-bone Park should lead into a dirty joke, but sad to say, the
rest of the article was just about how some guy says his four-year-old
will be disappointed by not seeing Pooh in the park.
Could someone please write me the rest of a _good_ article to go with
that sentence about there being no Pooh in Ass-in-bone Park?
Also, how did this story get into a Canadian newspaper without mentioning
hockey, curling, ringuette, poutine, or "Lexx"?
-- K.
Canada better start making
their newspapers funnier
if they want me to keep
reading all of them.
Sincerely, a concerned citizen
of a real country.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Today's "should've said" moment.
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:05:42 -0400
So it's a beatiful sunny holiday weekend in Boston. I've just dyed my
hair (it had been gold most of this weekend, now it's deep red.) The
weather was nice, so I was out without a hat, wearing a black leather
jacket, red T-shirt (not as dark as my hair), and black jeans. I was
waiting for the #39 bus outside the Prudential Shaw's market, in front
of a big building that says "FIRST CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST."
A guy walking past looks at me and says, "You must be a SCIENTOLOGIST!"
Which of these witty rejoinders did I _actually_ ad-lib, and which
_should_ I have said? Hint: At the moment, my mind was on something
else, so I said one of the uninteresting ones.
a) (sinister) "No, I'm a SADIST!"
b) (sinister) "No, I'm a KIBOLOGIST!"
c) (sinister) "No, I'm a MAD SCIENTIST!"
d) (sinister) "No, I'm a TERRORIST!"
e) (puzzled) "Not me..."
f) (in-your-face) "Does Edgar Winter have hair this color?"
g) (in-your-face) "Don't make me go R2-.45 on your ass!"
h) (sarcastic) "No, those aren't E-meter electrodes in my pocket,
I'm just happy to see you."
i) (sarcastic) "If you can't tell a Christian Scientist from a
Scientologist, I'm not going to send you out to buy apples."
j) (cool) "Ayyy, sit on it!"
This person's response was "errrrRRRRrrrr!" -- I think that may have been
an attempt to make a fire-engine noise (on account of the hair, see)
or possibly he was just imitating the sound of the imaginary cat that
was eating the inside of his brain.
I'm not sure which I enjoy more, getting compliments on my choice of
hair dye or these attempts to zing me in baffling ways.
-- K.
My mind was on a conversation
I'd just had about the neurological
reasons why bastinado is so much fun.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Today's "should've said" moment.
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:16:30 -0400
Yesterday, I wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> A guy walking past looks at me and says, "You must be a SCIENTOLOGIST!"
>
> Which of these witty rejoinders did I _actually_ ad-lib, and which
> _should_ I have said? [...]
>
> a) (sinister) "No, I'm a SADIST!"
>
> b) (sinister) "No, I'm a KIBOLOGIST!"
>
> c) (sinister) "No, I'm a MAD SCIENTIST!"
>
> d) (sinister) "No, I'm a TERRORIST!"
I would like to go on the record stating that I am (a) and (b).
And I only mean (a) in the good way, not the evil way. Sometimes
I talk to people who are (c), but only to mock their crazy plans
to "soft-land the Moon" on Iowa. (d) was just a jest I felt I could
safely make because everyone knows I am completely harmless.
-- K.
Also, Kibology isn't a
real cult. It's more
like "Dungeons & Dragons".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: HI, EVERYONE!!!! I'M BACK!!!
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:26:51 -0400
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> I suppose you've all been wondering what had become of me, since I
> didn't post a single message to ARK yesterday.
I think we were _hoping_ what had become of you.
> Most of you were probably thinking, "Gee, I hope Kevin S. Wilson
> is okay. Has anyone heard from him today?"
Naw, we were thinking, "Gee, I wonder what's keeping Kevin S. Wilson
tied up. Barbed wire?"
> [...]
>
> Anyway, I just thought I'd stop by to say HELLO ARK!!! IT'S GOOD TO
> READ MY POSTS AGAIN!! NOW I NEED A REST!!!
Sleep, my pretty. Sleeeeeep! Eat the pink Pez and sleep forever!
-- K.
Now everyone's thinking, "What's
put Kibo in a bad mood for _this_
five-minute span?"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: DO YOU LIKE ??????? CHOCLATE
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 00:09:39 -0400
Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote:
>
> COVERED CHILLIS??? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THEM????
>
> I LOVE THEM.......
>
> ~ HUGS ~
Uh oh, Tim's having a public endorphin trip. I'll hold his hand and
keep him from getting the giggles and laughing himself to death until
Barbara can come over and take away his candy for no legitimate reason.
He should doze off in half an hour or so and then we can all put
on the ape masks for when he wakes up in the lawless world of the future.
Oh, wait, I don't have an ape mask. Forget that idea, it was silly.
Hey, do you think he'd enjoy a pleasant surprise, like waking up
tomorrow and finding himself covered in cool new tattoos? I found
a place where I can mail-order a tattoo machine, but practicing on
the pink rubber "practice skin" just wouldn't be realistic enough...
It doesn't bleed right. Or even wrong.
-- K.
I think dark chocolate
tastes quite unpleasant.
Chilis, on the other hand,
are like candy.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: DO YOU LIKE ??????? CHOCLATE
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:48:16 -0400
Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Hey, do you think he'd enjoy a pleasant surprise, like waking up
> > tomorrow and finding himself covered in cool new tattoos? I found
> > a place where I can mail-order a tattoo machine, but practicing on
> > the pink rubber "practice skin" just wouldn't be realistic enough...
> > It doesn't bleed right. Or even wrong.
>
> Can't you just tattoo yourself, but with disappearing ink?
No, because I wouldn't be able to practice sneaking up on myself
in the middle of the night.
You people don't think things through the way those of us who
live in the real world do.
-- K.
Also, I don't bleed right either.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Tor-Cha! (was: About Me)
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 15:00:56 -0400
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > I had a dream last night about a new brand of hot dog, called
> > > "Tor-Cha". The dogs were supposed to be heart-healthy and the package
> > > had a picture of a big steaming red hot firm hot dog nestled in a
> > > heart-shaped bun. The hyphen in the brand name "Tor-Cha" was
> > > heart-shaped as well.
>
> They're just not shy about what parts the hot dogs are made from.
Yeah, don't you hate people who are shy about torture?
Back to the subject. You know those sausages that have the little ring
holding the casing closed at the end? Look up "band elastrator" to see
how they make those sausages.
> > Obviously you've been watching old "Mystery Science Theater 3000"
> > episodes without absorbing the most important lesson of (Really Old)
> > "Teenagers From Outer Space": That "Tor-Cha" hot dogs would be made
> > from giant offscreen space lobsters.
> >
> > I should add that "torture" is one of the eight words I can't pronounce.
> > I use the word "tor-cha" a lot in conversation. After all, I am a
> > Space Viking dressed like a 1950s biker stereotype, which is not all
> > that different from a Teenager From Outer Space.
>
> Sure, but probably if you said "torture" people would be all
> "Whaddya tahkin abaat? OH, Tor-cha! Yaah one a them paavaats,
> aintcha, with the leahtha cahdpiece covahed in menacin metal spikes?"
How can they be menacing if people can't even see them? Oh, you meant
spikes on the _outside_.
-- K.
Oddly enough, just yesterday
I was in a pub in rural
Maine, and a guy at the
next table was telling a
story about how once he
was menaced and intimidated
by one of them scary perverts
covered in a black latex
catsuit with a mask. At
one point they went outside
to have a smoke, leaving their
mugs on the table, and I was
tempted to go write a
surprise message on one of
their napkins.
Who woulda thunk that people
in Maine are worldly enough
to know what sort of weirdos
they should be scared of?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: The stupidest flamers on Fire Island
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 16:06:21 -0400
From www.newsday.com:
->
-> Man set fire, stayed and died
->
-> BY BART JONES AND ALFONSO CASTILLO
-> STAFF WRITERS
Okay, we believe you, you're staff writers! Stop writing so loud!
-> April 19, 2004
->
-> An intoxicated Davis Park man died after he lit a rug on fire and
-> challenged his roommate to see who could stay in the house on
-> Fire Island longer Saturday night, Suffolk County police said.
Too bad they didn't live in someplace more harmless, like Fluffy Bunny Island.
Might have taken them days to kill themselves to see who could remain in
a room with a fluffy bunny the longest.
-> Police said Thomas Woods, 59, ignited the rug in his house at 9
-> Driftwood Walk sometime before 8 p.m. As the fire spread, Woods
-> fired one or two rounds from a pre-World War I Mauser pistol, said
-> Det. Sgt. Ed Fandrey of the Suffolk County homicide squad. Police
-> do not know why he fired the gun.
->
-> When the fire began spreading dangerously, Woods' roommate, Rod
-> Bennett, ran to a neighbor's house to call 911 a few minutes after
-> 8 p.m.
->
-> Volunteers from the Davis Park Fire Department responded, along
-> with neighbors who tried to extinguish the blaze with garden hoses
-> and anything else they could find. But it was too late.
"Rats, we're too late! We already missed him winning the game!"
-> "All of a sudden, flames shot up," said one neighbor, Nancy
-> Buglino. "The whole sky was lit up."
->
-> A total of 75 firefighters from neighboring Fire Island
-> departments as well as Blue Point and Patchogue eventually
-> responded, some traveling across the Great South Bay by ferry. The
-> fire was brought under control in 40 minutes.
->
-> Fandrey said there were no indications of foul play, and that no
-> arrests were made. "I don't expect we're going to be locking
-> anybody up," he said. "It looks like it's a tragedy."
->
-> Bennett was handcuffed after the fire, he said, mainly because he
-> was combative and distraught. Bennett's story of what happened "is
-> so incredible," Fandrey said, that it's probably "credible."
Also, these guys are such amazing idiots, that they're geniuses of idiocy!
-> Fandrey said the two men were drinking heavily Saturday night when
-> Woods issued his dare: "Let's see which one of us leaves first."
Wait, they did this for a _dare_, not a _wager_? That's stupid!
They should have only burned the house down if someone could have
won five dollars!
-> A volunteer Davis Park firefighter who is also a neighbor was the
-> first firefighter on the scene. He entered the house but could not
-> find Woods because of smoke, Fandrey said. Bennett followed him
-> into the house three times and had to be ejected.
I'll have to consult the rule book to see whether that counts as leaving.
This tragedy may have to go down in history with an asterisk after it.
-- K.
I want _my_ asterisk
to precede me.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 16:13:49 -0400
X-Correction: minor typo
So I was reading some article on msn.com that was trying to funnel me
into signing up for match.com (the article described "dating disasters"
such as, this guy dated "an attractive woman" but when she wanted to
give him a foot massage he yelled "Eww!" and ran away and bragged to
msn.com that he had been smart enough to turn down a free massage
from an attractive woman) and the article wasn't quite dopey enough
for me to make fun of it here, except that at the bottom was a link
to another penetratingly idiotic msn.com "news" story:
-> Do gays have more fun?
->
-> By Matthew Christopher
->
-> We've all seen them by now, those frolicking five spilling out of
-> their shiny SUV, rushing off to today's gala, cosmos in hand,
-> laughing all the way. Whether it's whipping up a meal for
-> seventeen, or renovating the bathroom, gay guys have a flair for
-> making everything seem like a blast and a half.
->
-> But, what's the inside scoop? Do gays really have more fun?
->
-> In a word, yup. Even the American Heritage Dictionary is down with
-> the facts. Look up "gay" and you'll find:
->
-> 1. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of
-> the same sex.
->
-> 2. Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted
-> excitement; merry.
->
-> See?
Oh, the whimsy and wit of finding one of those hep metrosexual dictionaries
that's "down with the facts" of slang that was invented several decades ago.
Oh, the satirical comedy of reading a dictionary definition and then saying
"See?" Oh, pointing out that a word everyone knows has a double meaning has
a double meaning. Oh, what a zinger. Oh, how precious. Oh, me fwow up now.
-> Gay guys just get it when it comes to the finer points of
-> frivolity.
Dear Matthew Christopher,
You are _so_ straight.
-> After all, life is good and there's plenty to celebrate, so why not
-> make the most of it? True, homo-sapiens of every stripe are hardwired
-> to concern themselves with fulfilling their basic human needs. But
-> gays are famous for taking it to the next level, waltzing those basics
-> around the ballroom with flair and panache.
Unless they're gay and black, in which case they don't just waltz,
they waltz while shuckin' and jivin' and eatin' da watermelons.
And if they're gay and black and Jewish, they do it while avoiding
paying retail prices. And if they're gay and black and Jewish and
a police officer, they do all that while eating a doughnut.
I know because I've seen the evidence in that famous Mapplethorpe photo,
"Gay Black Circumcised Cop".
-> Here's the skinny:
->
-> Food
->
-> Forget the mac 'n cheese from a box and the brewski in the bottle.
-> Not shy to don an apron and pick up a whisk, gay men put the B in
-> brunch, the C in cosmopolitan. Food is festive, fun, and
-> well-worth fussing over. Finagle yourself an invite to a gay
-> friend's place for a meal, and you're sure to be wined and dined
-> in signature style.
*cough* *cough*
a) A lot of gay guys are single and a lot of them have exactly the
same sort of kitchen as a single straight guy, i.e. a thick layer
of grease with one scratched-up Teflon pot somewhere underneath.
b) Dear straight people of the world, if you do choose to treat a
gay man's home as a restaurant, you won't be required to pay,
but you might still have to "give him the tip".
-> Clothing
->
-> Who are millions of viewers turning to week-after-week to learn
-> how to really get it right when it comes to wardrobe? Whether it's
-> a tuck here or a zhoozh there, gay guys are famous for pulling off
-> that seemingly effortless, perfectly put-together look. And
-> everyone knows that when you look good, you feel good; and when
-> you feel good, you have more fun.
Okay, I had been wondering how to spell "zhoozh". Now tell us why
you think straight people _don't_ do that. Didn't Al Bundy keep his
hand there for 23 minutes of every episode?
("zhoozh" is slang for the act of tucking in the front of your shirt,
as far as I can tell. I don't know as much about gay culture as
the actor who plays Carson on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy".)
-> Shelter
->
-> Whether it's a wow of a window treatment, a chic and spectacular
-> sectional, or a frisky faux-finish in the foyer, the brethren are
-> clearly in command when it comes to making the most of the roof
-> over their heads. How fun is that? While it's not known whether
-> the gay gene and the interior decorating gene are actually cozied
-> up on the DNA strand, evidence has suggested a possible link for
-> generations.
Oh, please stop with the tongue-in-cheek whimsy. Let's move on
to playing with other, less-tired stereotypes. For instance, did
you know that all pseudonymous msn.com writers pretending to be gay
are really fat nerds with ponytails drinking Mountain Dew and that
new version of Zima for straight people?
-> Affection
->
-> Read it and weep, my friends: gays have more friends, and gays
-> have more physical intimacy. A knack for creating community, a
-> penchant for impromptu parties, the gift of gab, and the
-> manifestation of the male-drive-times-two, all add up to a
-> sensuo-social calendar that would keep any companionable creature
-> cavorting in compatible company for days.
Holy alliteration! Ah, now I get it. This wacky article is written
from the point of view of someone whose entire idea of gay culture
comes from "Batman" reruns.
I'm not saying "Batman" is inaccurate in its depiction of the gay
lifestyle, I'm just saying it's incomplete. I mean, there was
"Star Trek" too. Not to mention Bert & Ernie.
-> Fabulosity
->
-> Or, as renowned psychological theorist Abraham Maslow called it,
-> self-actualization. Whatever your vernacular, it translates to
-> being who you truly are and being it to the hilt. Sure, gays live
-> in a land that might prefer we'd work a little harder to conform
-> to the norm, but that's just not who we are. Declaring
-> independence from an ill-fitting set of statutes is like, well,
-> busting out of a stuffy little closet and running around the block
-> naked while singing Diana Ross songs at the top of your lungs.
"ill-fitting set of statutes" is a mixed metaphor and we all know
that real gay guys never use those because they're fastidious and
prissy and never, ever mix anything except drinks and to do that
they need a blender because their wrists are all floppy from going
"YOOOO-HOOOOO!" at sailors all day.
-> Or something. Free to be our true fabulous selves, we celebrate our
-> creative native spirit. And hey, celebration is just a whole lot
-> of fun.
If gay people have "native spirit", if you truly believe that gay
people evolved from American Indians, then how do you explain that
being gay and being European is the same thing?
Tell us more, "Matthew Christopher", if that _is_ a real gay name.
-- K.
Real gay men don't have a first
name as a last name, because they
don't have any sort of last names.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 19:25:43 -0400
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> [silly msn.com article]
> ->
> -> Finagle yourself an invite to a gay friend's place for a meal,
> -> and you're sure to be wined and dined in signature style.
>
> What, 4x80 with the proper delimiters?
I hear that when Matt McIrvin cooks pasta in that style, he tests its
doneness with his Aldent-O-Meter.
I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
Also, he's not very good at it, because he's straight. I think he
even owns a microwave oven.
-- K.
Everything I cook comes out
leathery or rubbery.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Deep insights into stereotypes from msn.com
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 21:30:41 -0400
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I hear that when Matt McIrvin cooks pasta in [signature] style, he tests
> > its doneness with his Aldent-O-Meter.
>
> You know, they say someday pasta will be too _cheap_ to meter.
But by then clean water to boil it in will be a thousand dollars an ounce.
> > Also, he's not very good at it, because he's straight. I think he
> > even owns a microwave oven.
>
> My microwave oven sits on the front burner of my "real" oven. How perverse
> is _that_?
Depends. Are you straight? Is your microwave oven straight? Is your
"real" oven straight?
And are you using it as a food-cooker or as an autoclave for some sort of icky
toy which requires you to drink several quarts of cranberry juice every day?
-- K.
(sadly, red Kool-Aid won't work.)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Further annoyances at my building.
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 19:04:58 -0400
As if the obnoxious ice cream truck that won't go away and the
Al-Qaeda sleeper cell (which I think did go away) weren't enough
to drive me crazy in this building, there's also Dirt Bike Dude.
I call him Dirt Bike Dude because he rides a very loud little cycle
around the block outside over and over all afternoon when the weather's
nice. One of those little vehicles that sounds exactly like a
chainsaw except far louder.
He's not going excessively fast, he doesn't seem to be racing with
anyone, he just seems to like going up and down the streets of the
housing project across the street, taking him past the front of
my building every few minutes.
At least the guy on the giant tricycle who rides down the sidewalk
while constantly screaming goes to different parts of Boston every
day (you can't live in the area without seeing him a couple times
a year.) Dirt Bike Dude, on the other hand, seems to spend all
his time right outside my window. He's one of those pests who's
unique to Mission Hill.
Maybe if I'm lucky the loud mini-cycle and the loud ice cream truck
will crash into each other. I know: I'll give them copies of
the DeLorme Street Atlas USA software and then they'll try to take
that imaginary road that goes through where my building's been for
the last thirty years, and they'll crash into the laundry room, taking
out themselves, several Al-Qaeda collaborators, and the clothes-dryer
that charges $1.26 instead of $1.25 like the others.
Damn, this guy's tiny little clown bike is L*O*U*D.
-- K.
MapQuest.com doesn't show the
fantasy street, but it does
have Huntington Avenue labelled
"Avenue Of The Arts", just to
confuse the terrorists if they try
to go to the Museum Of Fine Arts.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I love Kibo
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 15:01:17 -0400
Dave H. (ignatius00@juno.com) wrote:
>
> You are a hot sonofabitch.
>
>
>
>
> Can you make love to me?
Oh wow, I'm being subtly flirted at by David Hartman, the man whose
giant face dominated the small screen in "San Francisco International"!
I just hope you're not doing this to try to sway me into letting your
friend Seth Goldin into Club 91, because even I can't change the laws
of physics. Only John deLancie and Ronald McDonald can do that.
But hey, can I make love to you? Why did you use "can" instead
of "will"? Are you worried I might be a eunuch, a robot, or
some sort of computer-animated disk jockey like Max Headroom
except faked with computers instead of faked with real latex?
But back to the flirting, and the whole question of love.
Shouldn't we be having this conversation in private so that the rest
of alt.religion.kibology doesn't see you running away screaming when
I look up from polishing my cattle prod to ask, "What is this Earth
emotion called 'love'? BAZAAP!"
-- K.
I appear to be genetically
unable to flirt like an Earthling,
but I sting like a bee.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: This morning's interesting dream.
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 00:32:01 -0400
This morning I dreamt I was playing a two-player game of Scrabble.
In bed. With some special rules. Let's just say for the first time,
I wasn't trying really hard to win at Scrabble. The dominatrix
seemed to be enjoying it.
And no, I can't remember the board layout or what I did with my "X".
-- K.
Does anyone know the phone number of
the Scrabble dom? She was good to me.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: This morning's interesting dream.
Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 00:08:33 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > This morning I dreamt I was playing a two-player game of Scrabble.
> > In bed. [...] The dominatrix seemed to be enjoying it.
>
> Freud would have a field day with you.
I don't think so. I'd beat him easily. And I'd also beat him at Scrabble.
"Jump for the cigar, Ziggy baby... Can't reach it? Aw, poor little Ziggy,
beg for your cigar... Sometimes a cigar is just out of reach..."
-- K.
And, Seth, if that's not
exactly what you were
fantasizing about, it was
wrong, and I'm going to put
the tarp back over you for
a few days until you curtail
your incorrect fantasies.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: This morning's interesting dream.
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 02:06:12 -0400
Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> My dominatrix is defective; she is PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Then you're a fool for having chosen her. I think you should make
yourself put on a dunce cap and sit in the corner thinking about
what a poor job you've done selecting someone to humiliate you.
> Still needing punishment,
> Timothy J. Bruce
Don't tell her what you need, you pig. _I'll_ be the one to
tell her what you need.
-- K.
How about this: Each time you
play a Scrabble worth less than 20
points, for every point under 20,
she gives you a good smack. And
if you lose the game, you're going
in a bathtub full of fire ants.
And if you knock any of the tiles
off the board while wearing those
mittens, you're going in two
bathtubs of fire ants. At the
same time.
HAPPY NOW?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Today's spam sender
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 02:14:37 -0400
Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Worthy of mention:
>
> Herringbones P. Unclearest
> Blaine L. Narcotic
> Robuster B. Sludge
> Linefeed H. Circumspection
>
> And the WINNAH - IT'S A TIE!!
>
> Lewd M. Plunking
>
> and
>
> Execution H. Militia
Here are the five I recently got, with excerpts of the actual messages:
Sonia K. Gay ("REEMOV*E M*E")
Havoc I. Uncomplicated ("What are the washing instructions?")
Transitted F. Hairstyle ("Alas! regardless of their doom, the little
victims play!")
Impaling U. Tat ("Few things are harder to put up with than the
annoyance of a good example.")
Nutmeat H. Slab ("Technical assistance of Antivirus Company.")
I call dibs on using the name "Nutmeat H. Slab" in case I ever want
to appear in a Tom Of Finland calendar. And I call dibs on being
"Impaling U. Tat" if I ever want to open a Dracula-themed tattoo parlor.
However, someone else can be "Transmitted F. Hairstyle" of the
Department Of Hairstyle Transmission (via Very High Frequency Frizzies.)
-- K.
a/k/a Nutmeat H. Slab
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Your tithe dollars at work.
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:43:31 -0400
Exciting news from www.advocate.com:
->
-> Priest allegedly tricked men into sexual ritual
->
-> A molestation charge against a Wyoming priest has brought forth
-> allegations of a bizarre bondage ritual performed on men two
-> decades ago in the basement of a small-town church.
They do bizarre bondage rituals in Wyoming now? Wow, am I behind the times.
I gotta go west.
-> Several men have told investigators they allowed themselves to be
-> stripped, blindfolded, suspended upside-down, whipped, and bound
-> about the genitals while praying for penance, a prosecutor said
-> Monday. Three of the men said they came to realize they had been
-> tricked into an act that was sexual rather than religious, Platte
-> County attorney Eric Alden said. "Every time the stuff would get
-> more extreme, the beatings with the whip would be more
-> extreme--there would be more ornate stuff with it," Alden said.
"came to realize"?
"Well, the naked suspension while wearing a cock ring and being
whipped, that's just the sort of thing the Pope likes to do every
day, but the naked _inverted_ suspension, hmm, there might be
something kinky about this... Damn, it's hard to concentrate
on figuring out whether or not I'm in bondage while I'm hanging
upside down and the Dancing Bears Of Really Obvious Perversion
are laughing at me."
-> One man told authorities that after participating in the ritual
-> about a half-dozen times, he rebelled when the priest allegedly
-> touched him sexually. "And at that point in time, he sort of said,
-> 'No more,' " Alden said.
"sort of"?
Wow, I've never heard the dancing bears winking so loud.
-> [...]
->
-> The priest's attorney, Dallas Laird, said Jablonowski likened the
-> rituals to initiation rites in fraternities or the Marine Corps
You know, just like when an all-male frat gets drunk and plays a
round of "Soggy Biscuit" or "Baby Elephant Walk". Nothing gay about
that. Or when the sailors do the equator-crossing ritual. Nothing
gay about that either. And by "nothing" I mean _everything_.
-> and suggested the men's memories of the incident may have gotten
-> hazy with time.
Yeah, it's hard to remember whether or not you've ever been
tortured while hanging upside down. That's why they sell diaries.
And Polaroid cameras.
-> "He says that nothing he did was sexual," said Laird. "He admits
-> doing spiritual and religious rituals, called prayers of penance."
"This tight metal ring fits around your penance..."
-> The Diocese of Cheyenne is encouraging victims to seek counseling,
-> said the Reverend Michael Carr, vicar general. "It's nothing that
-> I've known the church to have any involvement with, and what I've
-> heard about it is nothing that I could ever imagine the church
-> approving," Carr said Monday.
I know, whenever I fill out the church's "Request For Extremely Kinky
Bondage" form, they never approve it.
-- K.
Who do I have to sleep with
to get into this church?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I Consider Myself A Celebrity
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 00:05:21 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> After having been recognized by Kibo many times now,
You are a piece of furniture to me.
Sometimes one looks at a piece of furniture before one buys it.
One examines it closely, perhaps even touches it, then one acquires it.
Then it goes in a corner of the room and gets covered with crap and
is never thought of again.
Now hold still so I can cover you with crap.
> I would now consider myself a celebrity. I still don't compare to
> Kibo, because he is actually famous to more than 20 people, but now
> you guys recognize me.
No I don't. If you weren't just a piece of furniture, I would mistake
you for a hat.
> "You like me! You like me! You really, really like me!"
"Like" is too strong a word. Let's just say it's not worth the
effort it would take to even dislike you.
Keep kneeling there. Those folders of tax papers better stay on
top of your head until next April.
> Kibo, I know you have been mean to me but in your heart, you and I both
> know that you have accepted me into alt.religion.kibology.
This isn't alt.religion.kibology, furniture. It's just dead storage
for you. Now be quiet. Furniture doesn't talk. And if it does,
it gets stripped with the belt-sander.
-- K.
Your legs are too flimsy
to make a good card table.
Maybe I should shorten
them to make you into a
piano bench.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I Consider Myself A Celebrity
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 14:29:31 -0400
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Your legs are too flimsy to make a good card table.
> > Maybe I should shorten them to make you into a piano bench.
>
> hey, y'know, I'm short a piano bench. feel free to send him over this
> way, okay?
Okay, the next time he bothers me I'll take him apart and send him
to you disassembled, with some Ikea instructions referring to him as
"Gooldinfartin". Do you want him in one box or two?
-- K.
I have never been in an Ikea
store, but it's easy to
imagine the horrors within.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I Consider Myself A Celebrity
Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 00:16:43 -0400
Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Okay, the next time [the piece of furniture that was once named Seth]
> > bothers me I'll take him apart and send him to you disassembled,
> > with some Ikea instructions referring to him as "Gooldinfartin".
> > Do you want him in one box or two?
>
> oh, yes. oh, yessy yessy yes.
Okay, I'll send him on the installment plan. Expect to receive two
or more battered boxes that don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
-- K.
And speaking of high
culture from Sweden...
What's Knorben Klussen
been up to since he made
Chris Farley a tenth as
angry as me?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I Consider Myself A Celebrity
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 00:10:20 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
> >
> > 2. Kibo is funny.
>
> You want me to be funny? You should have just said so. Let me flip that
> switch.
The furniture will be quiet. Furniture can't flip its own switch.
I am not being funny.
> > Try posting a few jokes about fat chycks.
>
> "Fat chycks" are fat. If you're not laughing, you are either Kevin, or a
> robot.
This is what happens when furniture tries to be funny.
And this is what happens when I spray a new coating of wood sealer
over the furniture's face.
-- K.
I am so very NOT funny.
Anyone who disagrees will
get such a zetz in the lazogna.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Color of mayo and ketchup
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 00:54:05 -0400
TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
>
> Timothy J. Bruce (uniblab@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > What's the color you get when you swirl ketchup and mayo together?
> >
> > This is a logical impossibility (but not physical impossibility)
> > because The Ketchup Lords forbid Mayo in all forms, especially the
> > form of Ketchup polluted with Mayo. They reserve an extra-extra
> > special punishment for that.
>
> IWPTA "extra special sauce punishment". Is this something Kibo is into?
First off, I do not approve of the abbreviation of "I wacky-parsed that as"
as "IWPTA" because it will make your article hard to understand for the
space aliens who find it in the Tri-Galactic Archives 50,000 years from now.
Secondly, stop stealing my ideas. I haven't posted "The Extra Special Show!!!"
yet. It's like "The Special Show!" except it sprays your eyes with hot sauce.
So then the Ketchup Lord squashed the baby tomato and says "Release the Gimp!"
but then Christopher Walken pulls a grandfather clock out of his ass and
it says "4:20" which means it's time for Uma Thurman to get a cardiac
needle pounded into her chest and then some guy accidentally gets shot in
the face and then the scary woman from "It's Pat" is shown in close-up.
No, wait, that's the plot of "Extra Special Fiction!" directed by
Quentin O'Broome. Cut to Andy Dick screaming "THERE IS NO ANDY DICK!"
for ten minutes, then he accidentally gets shot in the face, and when his
head explodes, the Gimp comes out. Also, right when the camera is spattered
with flying blood, the audience's eyes are squirted with hot sauce.
The audience's injuries are treated by the Mayo Clinic, which then smears
them on a Filet O'Fish and eats them. But then we see a clock which
tells us to have a Dr Pepper at 4:20 and the clock says "4:20" again
so the movie starts over, except this time there is no Andy Dick.
THE END...?
YES!
NO!
THERE IS NO END! THERE IS ANDY DICK!
THERE IS NO ANDY DICK! ENDENDEND! ENDENDEND! MOMMY!
Your mommy explodes, and Christopher Walken comes out, and then he reaches
into his ass and pulls out Transporter Chief O'Brien, who reaches into his
ass and pulls out Conan O'Brien, who pulls out Quentin O'Broom, who tries
to yell "THERE IS NO ANDY DICK!" except he slips up and yells "THERE IS
NO ANDY RICHTER!" which makes Conan cry and then Chief O'Brien shoots
Christopher Walken in the face with a phaser and his head explodes, injecting
hot sauce directly into the audience's eyeballs with a cardiac needle.
THE END!
NO!
REALLY, THE END! ENDENDEND! DESTRUCT! DESTRUCT! GREEN THIRTY DISCONNECT!
Cut to a revolving head of Michael York yelling "THERE IS NO SANCTUARY
IN ANDY DICK'S ASS!" then fade to black.
NOT THE END! THE END! NOT THE END! THE END! SCREEN FLASHES BETWEEN
BLACK AND WHITE FASTER AND FASTER UNTIL IT MELTS, SOMEHOW HURTING YOU!
THE END!
*bang*
-- K.
Anyway, I'll let you know
when I actually write
"The Extra-Special Show!!!"
described in that outline.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: what up, kibble
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 14:38:19 -0400
Dave H. (ignatius00@juno.com) wrote:
>
> hey kibo, i take back what i said bout ya and all, how you're sexy and
> i want to make love to you. anyway you should let seth into your damn
> club. i mean, clubs are fun for everyone and shouldn't be exclusive. I
> sound like my mother.
That tends to happen when you dress like her for that many years.
How old are you? Thirteen? Twelve? I can see you're below the age
at which "shift" keys are issued, so I don't think it would be legal
to do anything romantic with you, not even in Alabama, you pervert.
And clubs are the most fun for the person swinging them. You better
believe that when I say I'm prepared to mace a mugger, I'm not talking
about a little spray bottle with no steel spikes. Mmm, mace.
My favorite "Far Side" cartoon is the one where the Viking says,
"You know, having a new mace just makes you want to smash something,"
right as this other Viking wanders into the room blowing a huge gum bubble.
Hey, Iggy, why don't you start chewing up a wad right now.
And for calling me "kibble" -- in lowercase, even -- it makes me want
to run out and buy several new maces just so I can repeat that feeling
of going mace/face with brand new ones over and over.
CHEW FASTER!
-- K.
Also, what was a "Seth"?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Shit eh?
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 14:49:35 -0400
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> Also in Berkeley some of the larger intersections have these quivers
> of little semaphore-type flags so pedestrians can carry them while
> they cross the street, thus being, I dunno, EVEN MORE VISIBLE to traffic.
> It's CALIFORNIA. Cars stop if the driver sees a person anywhere
> NEAR the street, except when they don't and someone gets run over,
> I guess. But I doubt the flags help. Also they are yellow. I've
> tried to point out to them that they need better contrasting colors,
> like a yellow star on a red flag, but they aren't doing that I guess.
Holy cow. In Berkeley, you get little toy semaphore flags for _free_
everywhere? Wow. This means you can play "elderly Betty Page wannabe
serving orange juice at the Circus Circus Las Vegas breakfast buffet"
any time you want, even on your way to the supermarket to buy something
other than orange juice.
Perhaps it's just a psychological-manipulation attempt to get the
pedestrians to stick to the crosswalk, if that's where the free flags
are stored.
Hey, has anyone ever started a rumor that one in ten of those flags
has had its stick randomly dipped in contact poison? You should start
that rumor to see if they also start giving out free flag-handling
gloves, because, hey, free gloves.
-- K.
Latex ones are the most
comfortable, but the
leather ones with the brass
knuckles built in are
the most comforting.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Has anyone seen my name?
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 23:16:40 -0400
Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote:
>
> Given two marbles of equal size how would you work out which is denser
> than the other using only an Internet IQ test, and in to which orifice
> of your body would you place them?
Oh, uh, um, but if they're of equal size, how can one be denser
than the other? If they're the same, wouldn't they both be denser than
the other? YOU'RE STUPID I'M TIRED OF ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT THIS
I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO TYPE THIS I WIN THE END.
> Does Victorian knowledge that a man's intestinal tract, when stretched
> to its full length, would reach from the Earth to Venus and back again
> at Venus's perigee prove that Jules Verne was involved in the cover-up
> of secret Victorian missions to create utopian villages on the surface
> of Venus, and assuming that they have been breeding like rabbits, even
> prudish rabbits, what would be the current population of Venus today?
YOU'RE A LIAR! THERE HASN'T BEEN A CURRENT POPULATION OF VENUS
SINCE 1891! AND EVEN THEN IT WAS ONLY A FUTURISTIC CURRENT POPULATION!
STOP ARGUING WITH ME YOU LIAR!
> If you could either fly or become invisible why the hell are you still
> in front of your computer reading ark?
STOP MAKING ME CHOOSE BETWEEN MY TWO EQUALLY AWESOME SUPERPOWERS!
I WANT TO FLY AND BECOME INVISIBLE YOU DORK!
> Considering the duality of man and nature, within both countryside and
> city environments, coupled with the inherent notion that everything is
> easier to destroy than create, notwithstanding that capricious or even
> voracious thirst for knowledge that can devour a great intellect in an
> effectively crippling manner, would anyone like a waffle?
YOU SUCK MISTER SMARTYPANTS FLAME-BAITER LAMEWAD RECTUM!
-- K.
P.S. I would like a waffle.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Pronoun & antecedent.
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 23:21:00 -0400
Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote:
>
> Signs at the gym:
> "The people using the equipment after you hope you're going to wipe them
> down."
The only way this could make me head over to that gym any faster would
be if the last word was changed to "out".
-- K.
Unless it's a gym full of Klingons.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Post Easter Yummitude For All!!1!
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 01:13:52 -0400
Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote:
>
> Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Now you've made me be crabby. Grrrr.
> > >
> > > The phrase "shooting fish in a barrel" leaps to mind.
> >
> > Grrrr. Don't make me mud-wrestle you, Stacey.
>
> I'd do it but I've got a hairdressers appointment and suffer from trauma
> if exposed to wrassling mud women.
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST NEWSGROUP EVER!!!
Will you ladies play Scrabble with me? Please please please?
-- K.
C-A-T-F-I-G-H-oh, look, a red square-T.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 02:14:25 -0400
Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
>
> dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) writes:
> >
> > I did my first test batches of fabric dyeing yesterday and I think I can
> > sucessfully dye Kibo's hair now. [...]
> >
> > Or,other colors I can try are Lilac,Eggplant,Ivory,Bubble Gum,Red
> > Wine,Chocolate Brown,Dark Green and Clear Yellow. I can mix any of
> > these colors with the remaining batch of blue that's left or try the
> > blue all by itself,it he doesn't mind having his head twisted,
> > crumpled and stuffed into a baggie or a jar for about 4 hours.
>
> No he doesn't mind that! He LIKES it!
Not for four hours, unless the jar is made of leather, in which case,
not for as little as four hours.
Oh, since I can guess what "Clear Yellow" might be, there is no way
I'm soaking my head in it. I made it all through junior high school
without getting a single swirlie so don't try anything.
On the way home from work today (at midnight) I got confronted by
an obnoxious, garrulous drunk who just wouldn't leave me alone.
I ignored him completely until he made the mistake of touching my
arm to show me that he was demanding my attention. I told him off
in a low, firm, loud voice ("LEAVE. ME. ALONE.") until his friend
dragged him away. I don't like having to beat up mentally-impaired
people, so it's a good thing the lush's friend took him away, because
I was just at the point of having to decide between strategy A
(threatening to punch him, then two seconds later having to punch him)
and strategy B, which would have involved a lower, firmer, louder voice
and telling him, "YOU. ARE. FUCKING. WITH. A. SADIST." and getting
right in his face while going on about stuffing his head into a jar,
etc., so that I could gradually make him back away from me until a
street-sweeper ran him over -- problem solved without having to touch
the icky souse.
Unless, of course, his friend was Beable and Beable told me,
"No he doesn't mind that! He LIKES it!" and then I'd have to
take the guy home and cram him into a Skippy jar until he
sobered up, and then I'd have to smash a perfectly good Skippy
jar to let him out.
That voice takes practice. I'm still learning how to do it right,
but it's starting to become automatic enough that all it takes
to get me to go into that mode is one annoying drunk.
So, dogsnus, Beable, the two of you will KEEP. YOUR. CLEAR.
YELLOW. OFF. ME.
-- K.
I'm really something of a
newbie at telling people
to fuck off, but it's an
important skill that I
will have a lot of chances
to use in Boston. There
are a lot of people here
who should fuck off.
It's like New York City
without the eight
pleasant people.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 23:49:07 -0400
Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote:
>
> The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> >
> > There are a lot of people everywhere who should fuck the hell off. I
> > can think of several right here in this little newsgroup. I can think of
> > one in particular that you personally should have told to fuck the hell
> > off YEARS ago, but you don't, because deep down you are nice.
>
> Jeez, Stacia. What did Archimedes Plutonium ever do to you?
I think it was a dinner date that went badly, right around the
microwaved-paper-cup-of-spaghetti-and-exploded-cod-topped-with-a-used-
Dove-ice-cream-bar.
> Someone told me that I was too nice earlier this week, so now I'm trying
> to be a manipulative weasel. It turns out that it's harder than it
> looks.
I give lessons. For free.
Jake. Make your appointment NOW. Unless you're AFRAID.
Two new reactions to my appearance and one battered old sign on the
hot soup at the Prudential Shaw's market:
"OH WOW!!!"
"You look like Van Gogh. The painter."
"Beef Barely Soup"
The "Van Gogh" reaction was because my blood-orange-next-to-grape look
had faded to orange-over-brown today (I have since bleached my hair as
light as it can go -- which is currently yellow-orange, because the orange
component of the dyes never bleaches out) and the "OH WOW!!!" was one
of those cases where some bozette was in the lobby of my building waiting
to get on the elevator and stood about two inches from the door because
it's not like anyone could possibly be about to get off the same elevator,
could they? Certainly not someone on his way to an appointment carrying
certain... equipment. And the "Beef Barely Soup" would probably be
delicious if it weren't misspelled and weren't served from a big-city
supermarket self-service soup bar where thousands of idiots had probably
stuck their thumb in the soup or licked the ladle within the last hour alone.
I will score the gushed-out "OH WOW!!!" as my favorite reaction so far,
although it's only 90% of the way to the "HOLY SHIT!!!" I still want.
Hair to turn purple now.
-- K.
I bought some new shades of dye
today -- my local punk store has
been phasing out Manic Panic, so
I got some Special Effects dyes
instead. Today's acquisitions:
Hot Lava (seems to be a dark
orange/brown), Cherry Bomb (dark
red), and the one I really want
to try, Blue-Haired Freak (a
brilliant ultramarine.) But
because of the yellowish-orange
residue from my previous dye jobs,
I don't want to try blue yet
(I might get green hair, and I
refuse to have green hair in
Boston) but hopefully the Barney
purple (Manic Panic Divine Wine)
will just get a little muted
when I put it over the orange.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 22:36:46 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm really something of a newbie at telling people to fuck off,
> > but it's an important skill that I will have a lot of chances
> > to use in Boston. There are a lot of people here who should fuck off.
>
> There are a lot of people everywhere who should fuck the hell off. I
> can think of several right here in this little newsgroup. I can think
> of one in particular that you personally should have told to fuck the
> hell off YEARS ago, but you don't, because deep down you are nice. TOO
> nice.
Please, that type of attack makes Harry Mudd's androids' heads explode, but
I am immune to you complaining that I'm making you suffer by being too nice.
So then this guy says to the psychiatrist, "I'm Mickey and I'm Minnie!
I'm Mickey and I'm Minnie!" and the shrink says, "You know what your
problen is? You're two nice!" and the guy says "There's no such word
as 'problen', and also you're not a real psychiatrist, just a hallucinatium!"
Then the two of them start fighting like Kirk wrestling Invisible Evil Kirk
while the theme to "The Mickey Mouse Club" plays. Fade to nice.
> I'm hoping some of this recent transformation sticks, so I will
> know that you will kick the arse of people who deserve it.
I'm sorry, I don't kiss ass, even with my foot.
> Stop being nice. It pisses me off.
And in what way does my being nice bother you, sweetie? Do you need a cookie?
-- K.
I have bleach paste in my hair
right now and I think my whole
brain is dissolving.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: another one of those splams
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 16:04:13 -0400
Regarding recent discussion of spam that attempts to foil content-filtering
software by adding extra letters to the middle of words (I call it "splam"),
I just got a beauty I had to share:
-> Content-Type: text/html;
-> charset="iso-9010-7"
-> Content-Description: barbiturate downstate 705
"Going downstate on highway 705" would be a great lyric for a song
nobody would realize is about barbituates.
-> AgTTK7ENTzION! Lo*w rate! Nro$w is thTPe tiIrme to re-fik6nanc{e!
->
-> `3.22%
->
-> Gra^b it HEPRiE, wh+ile you can!
I'm sorry, if I ever go out of my way to get herpes, I'm not going
to grab them, I will get them very carefully. And even if I did
for some reason want to grab herpies, I wouldn't want to grab them
from a spammer.
-> - NOBSODY IS TUuRNED DOWN, NOBODY!
Nobsody was turned down! POOR NOBSODY!
-> - ABSOL-UTEKLY FROEE OF CHA0dRGE, FREE!
->
-> please r'e.movOe yours79elxbf, if yo/u would like to disRceoonPjtinue
-> furtBnher mabiling REMHHOVE HERE
Nobsody kept furtbnhering! "Hey, stop farting in my bathtub!" said his
landlord. "I'm evicting you, you stinky furtbnher!"
I'm sorry, that was the best I could do with that word. But somebsody
had to come up with a definiption so we could all underfstand it.
The message in question was HTML-formatted, so I examined the code.
This was the "clever" way they tried to write their message so that
computers wouldn't recognize it as obvious gibberish:
-> [...] NOBSODY [...]
That works just fine, if you don't read your mail with a program
which is stupid enough to just ignore all the HTML tags completely,
instead of doing like an ordinary bozo and reading your mail with
your Web browser and using your toilet as a sink and wearing underpants
up your nose and collecting pogs.
-- K.
And it's a dumb idea to add
HTML to a message to try to
get it past the spam filters,
given how many people simply
use the rule that if a message
contains "
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else
> > combined? How come people follow up to other people's posts more often
> > than they do to mine? At least 50% of the posts here should be
> > followups to me, because I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.
>
> here's a bonus follow-up! and it's sort of about you!
>
> recently, some people in the latest time waster aka "social network",
> orkut, suggested that weblogs = HappyNet. as in, the majority of all
> weblogs fall into the bozo.* category, with tiny fringes of nonbozo.* and
> megabozo.* in the same proportions you originally noted.
That sentence would seem to make absolutely no sense if I didn't know
exactly what it meant. I feel sorry for the government agents who are
eavesdropping on this conversation. "What's an orkut? What's a nonbozo?"
(And in the name of national security, they _should_ be eavesdropping,
because, after all, I live in a building that used to have Al-Qaeda
operatives in it.)
> now, aside from noting the humor of one bozotic community picking on the
> bozosity of another, I also felt I should ask for an official confirmation:
> *ARE* weblogs the new HappyNet? or is HappyNet something else, like cable
> news channels?
Sadly, weblogs are the new HappyNet. Jorn Barger tried to warn us,
before the conespiracy whisked him away from the InterHappyNet.
Around Christmas 1997, when he was advertising his new Web page --
which he named a "weblog" -- he predicted that eventually the
Internet would groan under the weight of HUNDREDS OF WEBLOGS!
-> From: Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com)
-> Subject: MISC: "Weblogs" are the best format for hotlists
-> Date: 1997/12/25
-> Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.announce
->
-> My latest webpage is a daily running log of the best webpages I visit:
->
->
->
-> If your interests seem to overlap mine, even partially, bookmark this
-> link and check back every day or so for new discoveries.
->
-> I suspect that in a year there'll be hundreds of people maintaining
-> pages like this, and that this will allow good URLs to spread much more
-> quickly... so I recommend that all enthusiastic surfers take a shot at
-> maintaining such a "weblog" (using the Frontier scripting environment,
-> if you need to, for efficiency).
->
-> j
But now he's gone. Somewhere, he's feebly clawing at the inside of an
orange barrel.
> we must, after all, determine if any more of your predictions have come
> true, like that one about the iDodecahedron.
Or the one about how orange cones will kill us all?
> AND ALSO! how come no one is celebrating the 30th birthday of Dungeons &
> Dragons by re-enacting the best Tom Hanks film ever? if you be Tom Hanks, I
> will be the dumb genius kid with the cursing parrot. LOOK! IT'S A
> BOTTOMLESS PIT! I WILL JUMP IN IT! BECAUSE, TREASURE! ALSO, EVEN THOUGH I
> AM A SPRITE AND PRESUMABLY HAVE WINGS, I WILL PLUNGE TO MY DEATH!
It's also the 40th birthday of the BASIC programming language this
month. BASIC was a language that was primarily printed in magazines
in the form of filler that you could type into your computer to
get a program that could roll a virtual d6 for your "Dungeons & Dragons"
games if they wouldn't let you have any real dice, what with the
sharp corners and easy swallowability.
The real question is, when will we be celebrating the 50th anniversary
of cones becoming the dominant life form on Earth?
-- K.
2045?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:41:35 -0400
robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, because
> > I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.
>
> Yay! a kibo post that isn't 180987 lines long! Even I can reply to this.
Shouldn't longer articles make it easier to reply, because there's
more black and white shapes in them to stimulate baby's tiny brain?
(They're called "letters", and sometimes if you read more than six
or seven of them they make "sentences" which contain "meaning"
that may or may not say something, but in any case, it's always worth
replying just to show off that you got or didn't get the meaning.)
-- K.
And where did you get the
number "180987"? It's a
very interesting number.
It's the smallest positive
integer that has those digits
in that order!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:15:37 -0400
Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Oh, and Seth Goldin is now permitted to speak, but only if he uses
> > the word "cone" at least once per message while following up to ME.
>
> I want to thank you so much! That was driving me crazy!
There. Now you are crazy. DEAL WITH IT!
> [...]
>
> Let's get back to the topic. Kibo, you are extraordinary. You are a
> celebrity in a virtual world. You SHOULD receive more acknowledgement for
> that. Why aren't you on the front page of my newspaper every day? I think
> that they should just have periodicals filled with your writings and
> articles from Usenet.
So buy a laser printer and press splat-P right now. Sheesh, are you
so lazy that you buy _ready-made_ magazines?
-- K.
Either I just made a big, big mistake,
or else I decided that instead of being
cruel to Seth it would be more fun to
let him talk as a way of being cruel
to everyone else.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 02:41:27 -0400
Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > How come people follow up to other people's posts more often than they
> > do to mine?
>
> I dunno. Following up to your posts is so trendy.
Worst half of a misquote of an apocryphal Yogi Berra fake malapropism ever.
What, did you only pay Bruce Villanch five cents?
> > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the
> > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME.
>
> Hm. Well, the only thing I have to tell is this:
>
> Recently Andrew Jeanes and I realized that we're having too much great
> sex on a regular basis. So, knowing that the best cure for great sex on
> a regular basis is marriage, he asked me to marry him.
>
> Oh, and I said yes.
YAY! I AM OFFICIALLY AMUSED NOW! I AM AMUSED BY YOUR FUTURE NUPTIALS!
Congrats, Andrew and Keltie. When do I get all the gifts?
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> Andrew Jeanes (ajeanes@tracer.consecol.org) wrote:
> >
> > Still, and all, we're open to any and all suggestions on how to make
> > our wedding as kibological as possible.
>
> One pair of my friends had ninjas invade their wedding. I suppose pirates
> and/or zombies would also be possible.
You could hold the wedding in Boston and I could have something more
interesting than ninjas invade your wedding. And if you do it within
the next two and a half weeks, it could even be a straight wedding,
assuming you're into that sort of thing.
Other wacky Kibological themes for a wedding:
* Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower,
and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter.
* Jailhouse wedding. (Needs no explanation.)
* Einstein & Marilyn wedding. One of you dresses up as Einstein,
the other as Marilyn Monroe, then the two of you get married, and
history is forever changed.
* "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can
yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN!
What will become of ME?"
* Soviet Constructivist wedding. Everyone has to come dressed
as either a scalene triangle or a smudge of red.
* Gary Burghoff wedding. The wedding is invaded by a trained team
of Gary Burghoffs. Then people will say, "Look, Gary Burghoffs!
When do we get cake?"
* Hello Kitty wedding. Everyone has to wear Hello Kitty costumes
so that the world can thrill to the oh-so-cute sight of two
Hello Kitties getting married, and then trying to kiss without mouths.
* Wedgie wedding. "If anyone knows any reason why this couple should
not be wed, come up here to receive your massive wedgie!"
* World's Stickiest Wedding. (Needs no explanation.)
-- K.
And what about that brief fad
in 1976 for "Match Game" weddings?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: wedding cones (was: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?)
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:17:27 -0400
Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote:
> > >
> > > Recently Andrew Jeanes [...] asked me to marry him.
> > >
> > > Oh, and I said yes.
> >
> > Congrats, Andrew and Keltie. When do I get all the gifts?
>
> You get to shake each gift and make sure they don't explodiate. I think
> between us we may have a few enemies. You know, bitter exes, crazy exes,
> that sort of thing. Inevitable.
Okay. Send me all the gifts and I'll shake them and mail back the ones
that don't sound dangerous or expensive.
> > You could hold the wedding in Boston and I could have something more
> > interesting than ninjas invade your wedding. And if you do it within
> > the next two and a half weeks, it could even be a straight wedding,
> > assuming you're into that sort of thing.
>
> It's in two years and three months. But it's in Ottawa, which should
> make you want to come anyhow, right?
Assuming the hockey strike is settled by then and I haven't been
killed by my enemies by then ((a) orange cones, (b) Al-Qaeda, and
(c) the makers of cheese.)
> > Other wacky Kibological themes for a wedding:
> >
> > * Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower,
> > and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter.
>
> The shower part sounds fun. And I'm sure there will be cones no matter
> what, uninvited yet lurking in corners. It's going to be at a yacht
> club, and I'd be willing to be they have cones everywhere.
When you book a "fantasy suite" at the hotel for the honeymoon,
tell them you want the only room with a "No Cones" theme.
> > * "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can
> > yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN!
> > What will become of ME?"
>
> My first wedding was very nearly comic book themed. Let us not go there.
Superman and Wonder Woman?
Mickey & Minnie?
Casper & Wendy?
Richie Rich & Cadbury?
> > * World's Stickiest Wedding. (Needs no explanation.)
>
> Actually, I'd really like to read an explanation. Just for entertainment
> purposes, of course.
I'll let someone with a more perverted mind than mine write that story,
because I want to read it, not write it.
> > And what about that brief fad in 1976 for "Match Game" weddings?
>
> I think I'm still going to stick with the bees. We'll give everyone an
> open Coke and smash a beehive.
Bees like Coke? I did not know that. I'm glad I'm not a bee because
I don't like carbonation or caffeine any more.
-- K.
Carbonated, caffeinated
hot sauce would be a
major dilemma.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:47:21 -0400
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> >
> > Eartha or Julie or The Other One).
>
> Oh, dear, just WAIT till Kibo hears that Stacia doesn't remember the
> brainy babe from Time Tunnel.
She had a brain? All I remember is some legs hidden under a dorky lab coat,
but I did remember that in "The Fantasy Film Worlds Of Irwin Allen"
(a Sci-Fi Channel documentary several years ago) she showed off how
she got a scar on her leg from when a time-travelling pirate tried
to hurl her off that silly bridge over the bottomless chasm outside
the limbo set containing the secret control room of the Time Tunnel.
Also, on "Star Trek", she could turn into a straight line which then
turned into a dot, and could kill you by groping your shoulder.
She wore a harem-girl outfit with a little flap sticking up from
her bikini bottom to cover up her belly button, because women on
TV weren't allowed to have belly buttons 300 years in the future
in the 1960s.
(I've never found belly buttons interesting, but apparently some people
liked them enough that the censors had to keep them from showing.)
Also, my late friend Gharlane once watched her working out on a trampoline.
TOP THAT!
-- K.
I forget who the
other hot chick on
that trampoline was.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:06:06 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > * Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower,
> > and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter.
>
> Only Kibo could make me want to get married. Bad.
Okay, we'll change the "for better or for worse" part to just "bad".
Then we'll have the band play "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" while blindfolded
and the priest will say "Fidelio" and we'll all put on black robes and
domino masks and stand around motionlessly for about six hours.
> > * "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can
> > yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN!
> > What will become of ME?"
>
> You missed the obvious, that one of them dresses like Batman and one
> like Robin and all the guests have to dress like Catwoman (any flavor,
> Eartha or Julie or The Other One).
Lee Meriwether was my favorite. Check out the scenes in "Batman: The Movie"
(1966) which are shot with her legs doing exercises in the foreground
while something completely unrelated transpires somewhere back where
nobody's going to bother looking at it. Julie Newmar had great legs,
too, but didn't have that flirty acting style. Eartha's voice was her
asset. So I think what we need is a Catwoman with one Julie leg and
one Lee leg, but all of Lee's acting talent and Eartha's voice, and
Michelle Pfeiffer's costume.
> But the guests have to sob and wail and gnash their teeth because they
> were the ones who really wanted to marry Batman and they could love him
> better than Robin ever could - he's just a boy! What does he know?
> I mean he's not even old enough to drink, for fuck's sake. And his
> costume is pieced together from old circus tents.
Yeah, but wearing a tight bikini brief made of scratch tent canvas
instead of silky lycra is why he's going to grow up butch.
> What the hell were these two thinking, and BRING ME MORE
> CHAMPAGNE, PADRE, I'M GETTIN' DRY OVER HERE!!!
>
> That would be a bitchin' wedding.
Okay, let's do it. You get Burt Ward locked in the trunk of your
car, I'll round up Adam West and Lee Meriwether, we'll have Adam and Lee
get married, and me and Jack Black, and then someday maybe we'll let
Burt Ward out again once he promises to never use the word "holy"
again, ironically or not.
-- K.
Also, the Riddler
could write the vows.
"Why is a bride like
Kibo's bathtub? Because
they both have A RING!
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HAW HAW HEH, uh, get it?
A RING!!! HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE
oh my heart help me
I've never felt so much
pain why won't anyone
call 9-1-1 ack thud."
Then at his funeral,
the Joker could write
the euology. And then
if the Joker laughed
himself to death,
Charles Nelson Reilly
could do his eulogy,
except I'd ask him
to laugh Carrot Top
to death.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 14:58:12 -0400
John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > * Soviet Constructivist wedding. Everyone has to come dressed
> > as either a scalene triangle or a smudge of red.
>
> What about just a _Soviet_ wedding? A guard of honour with hammers and
> sickles! The MC banging the table with his shoe! A tractor with a
> "Just Married" sign on it! Solemn music! A cake in the shape of a
> giant potato, made entirely FROM potatoes!
>
> MRS BURRAGE, IT'S TIME TO RENEW OUR VOWS!!
I was going to say something about how if you marry her twice Soviet
style she's going to develop two mustaches, but I thought that cheap
shot was beneath me, so I didn't mention it, and besides I'd be
embarassed to say it because Jay Leno could probably think up the
same wisecrack without any help from his fifteen writers. (It took
me sixteen.)
-- K.
I do not plan to dye my
thick, luxurious back hair
to match either my beard
_or_ my mustache.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 02:17:32 -0400
Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
> >
> > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the
> > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME.
>
> Well, I for one am not going to fall for this obvious and transparent
> manipulation, because I AM NOT A ROBOT! Waah! BUT I WANNA BE A ROBOT!
With a little training, your dream could be accomplished. Do you want
to be a robot with an S6 gas mask for a face, or a robot with an S10
gas mask for a face or just a robot who looks like rappin' Abraham Lincoln?
> > Oh, and Seth Goldin is now permitted to speak, but only if he uses
> > the word "cone" at least once per message while following up to ME.
>
> You're getting soft, Kibo. What happened to that merciless sadist we all
> suddenly grew familiar with a few days ago? Why not "...while following
> up to ME and at the same time receiving a habanero enema", or something?
I'd think anyone who spends as much time reading alt.religion.kibology
as I do would have to be at least _part_ masochist.
> > I'M ME, and nobody else can say that!
>
> ...without going back in time and swapping baby Kibo with baby them.
> Now wherever did I put the keys to my Tardis?
By the way, around here, in a few months channel 11 will be showing
"The Face Of Evil". You know, the "Doctor Who" episode where the bad
guy has the same name as you... EXCEPT CORRECTLY SPELLED.
-- K.
If you want to be a robot,
bend over and beep like a pig.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:16:21 -0400
Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else combined?
>
> Because Mimi tells me that she loves me affinity times affinity. How
> can you compete with that? I must love her more than you.
I love you MAXINT timesed by NaN to the power of Google.com.
> > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the
> > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME.
>
> Apparently you have not been following current religious trends in
> America. The whole god who demands that you sacrifice lots of time,
> money, etc. thing is right out. It kind of went the way of the god
> who was going to burn all the homosexual people in hell [...]
Oh, he's only going to do that to the _effeminate_ ones. The butch ones
get to work the controls on the giant griddle all the others dance on.
And the straight-acting ones, they take the photos that are then sold
to finance the whole operation.
> So if you want the modern, gay is okay type religion, you are also stuck
> with the whole, show up every once in a while if you feel like it and
> put a bumper sticker about me on your car and that's enough good works
> type religion.
I don't have a car, so I can have whatever sort of religion I want.
This lack of a car permits me to hold the religious belief that
if I had a car I'd run over all those bastards who can afford cars!
> I will admit that I have been remiss in the bumper sticker department,
> but to be perfectly honest, I have been going through a kind of crisis
> of faith lately. Given your most recent revelations from on high,
What revelations? That Coke and Pepsi are made from a mixture of
Lysol and Worcestershire sauce? That Potsie's feet were the wrong
size for the 1950s? That "The Simpsons" might be a cartoon?
> I am wrestling with whether it would be better to end up in hell than
> in your version of heaven.
They're actually the same place, just with different lighting.
> If your heaven wins, I'll have a bumper sticker made forthwith.
> You can let me know then what color hair to have the printers put on
> it and whether you want to be my co-pilot or my typesetter.
That reminds me, I should be dyeing my hair right now. Gotta go.
-- K.
(purrrrrrrrple)
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 03:14:22 -0400
A short while ago, I wrote:
>
> That reminds me, I should be dyeing my hair right now. Gotta go.
The Manic Panic Divine Wine proved to be a lot runnier than the other
colors I've worked with. I smeared it all over my hair and beard, and
had done everything except my mustache, when the inspiration struck me
to do the mustache in a different color, so I did it in Special Effects
Blue Haired Freak (largely to see if that would work on my yellowish-
orange hair without having to shave my whole head if it went green.)
I got a denim-colored mustache and deep purple hair (which will probably
fade to magenta in a few days.) However, the Divine Wine proved to
have incredible staining powers. Much of my face now has a purple
tint, and my sink is stained with brilliant purple splotches, and
while I was shampooing my hair repeatedly -- leading to first purple
soap suds, then magenta soap suds, then pink soap suds -- I made
a bright pink bathtub ring that will _not_ come off, because apparently
I am the Cat In The Hat. I'm more of the debonair, devil-may-care
whimsical wacky playmate version than the obnoxious asshole version
played by Mike Myers.
Anyway, the super-intense rubine dye in one jar of Divine Wine,
if added to the Atlantic Ocean, could turn half the planet to
Pepto-Bismol. This stuff is powerful.
Okay, I just went back and put a second round of the Blue Haired Freak
in my mustache (since it doesn't seem to stain skin that much, and
since I want more blue -- the stuff is a beautiful ultramarine in
the bottle.)
It should be interesting to see how people react to purple hair
with a purple beard and a blue mustache.
-- K.
And if they don't react,
I'll borrow one of their
towels and rub it on my
head until all their
laundry turns purple.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:11:43 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > However, the Divine Wine proved to have incredible staining powers.
> > Much of my face now has a purple tint, and my sink is stained with
> > brilliant purple splotches, and [...] a bright pink bathtub ring
> > that will _not_ come off
>
> You do know the trick about vaseline on the hairline and face and
> ears, right?
Yes, but not the one you're thinking of. Also, silicone oil works
better because it doesn't eat through latex.
> And also about Comet, which not only makes your teeth turn
> green, it scrubs even the most potent bathtub ring right out?
The operative word is "scrubs", which involves physical labor.
If you want my bathtub cleaned your way, come over here and do it,
otherwise I'll just wait for the ring to biodegrade away all by
itself over the decades.
> When I did my hair red for a couple hours before it ran out, I managed
> to get my tub and bathmat really, really red. Just regular use on the
> tub has gotten the bathtub ring out, and the bathmat soaked to a nice
> pink in bleach. It will be OK. Unless you plan on moving in the next
> week or two.
Why would I? Do you know something I don't about Al-Qaeda?
> > Okay, I just went back and put a second round of the Blue Haired Freak
> > in my mustache (since it doesn't seem to stain skin that mu