From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This morning's interesting dream. Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 00:08:33 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This morning I dreamt I was playing a two-player game of Scrabble. > > In bed. [...] The dominatrix seemed to be enjoying it. > > Freud would have a field day with you. I don't think so. I'd beat him easily. And I'd also beat him at Scrabble. "Jump for the cigar, Ziggy baby... Can't reach it? Aw, poor little Ziggy, beg for your cigar... Sometimes a cigar is just out of reach..." -- K. And, Seth, if that's not exactly what you were fantasizing about, it was wrong, and I'm going to put the tarp back over you for a few days until you curtail your incorrect fantasies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Consider Myself A Celebrity Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 00:16:43 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, the next time [the piece of furniture that was once named Seth] > > bothers me I'll take him apart and send him to you disassembled, > > with some Ikea instructions referring to him as "Gooldinfartin". > > Do you want him in one box or two? > > oh, yes. oh, yessy yessy yes. Okay, I'll send him on the installment plan. Expect to receive two or more battered boxes that don't know when to keep their mouths shut. -- K. And speaking of high culture from Sweden... What's Knorben Klussen been up to since he made Chris Farley a tenth as angry as me? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Has anyone seen my name? Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 23:16:40 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > Given two marbles of equal size how would you work out which is denser > than the other using only an Internet IQ test, and in to which orifice > of your body would you place them? Oh, uh, um, but if they're of equal size, how can one be denser than the other? If they're the same, wouldn't they both be denser than the other? YOU'RE STUPID I'M TIRED OF ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT THIS I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO TYPE THIS I WIN THE END. > Does Victorian knowledge that a man's intestinal tract, when stretched > to its full length, would reach from the Earth to Venus and back again > at Venus's perigee prove that Jules Verne was involved in the cover-up > of secret Victorian missions to create utopian villages on the surface > of Venus, and assuming that they have been breeding like rabbits, even > prudish rabbits, what would be the current population of Venus today? YOU'RE A LIAR! THERE HASN'T BEEN A CURRENT POPULATION OF VENUS SINCE 1891! AND EVEN THEN IT WAS ONLY A FUTURISTIC CURRENT POPULATION! STOP ARGUING WITH ME YOU LIAR! > If you could either fly or become invisible why the hell are you still > in front of your computer reading ark? STOP MAKING ME CHOOSE BETWEEN MY TWO EQUALLY AWESOME SUPERPOWERS! I WANT TO FLY AND BECOME INVISIBLE YOU DORK! > Considering the duality of man and nature, within both countryside and > city environments, coupled with the inherent notion that everything is > easier to destroy than create, notwithstanding that capricious or even > voracious thirst for knowledge that can devour a great intellect in an > effectively crippling manner, would anyone like a waffle? YOU SUCK MISTER SMARTYPANTS FLAME-BAITER LAMEWAD RECTUM! -- K. P.S. I would like a waffle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pronoun & antecedent. Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 23:21:00 -0400 Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote: > > Signs at the gym: > "The people using the equipment after you hope you're going to wipe them > down." The only way this could make me head over to that gym any faster would be if the last word was changed to "out". -- K. Unless it's a gym full of Klingons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Post Easter Yummitude For All!!1! Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 01:13:52 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Now you've made me be crabby. Grrrr. > > > > > > The phrase "shooting fish in a barrel" leaps to mind. > > > > Grrrr. Don't make me mud-wrestle you, Stacey. > > I'd do it but I've got a hairdressers appointment and suffer from trauma > if exposed to wrassling mud women. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST NEWSGROUP EVER!!! Will you ladies play Scrabble with me? Please please please? -- K. C-A-T-F-I-G-H-oh, look, a red square-T. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 02:14:25 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) writes: > > > > I did my first test batches of fabric dyeing yesterday and I think I can > > sucessfully dye Kibo's hair now. [...] > > > > Or,other colors I can try are Lilac,Eggplant,Ivory,Bubble Gum,Red > > Wine,Chocolate Brown,Dark Green and Clear Yellow. I can mix any of > > these colors with the remaining batch of blue that's left or try the > > blue all by itself,it he doesn't mind having his head twisted, > > crumpled and stuffed into a baggie or a jar for about 4 hours. > > No he doesn't mind that! He LIKES it! Not for four hours, unless the jar is made of leather, in which case, not for as little as four hours. Oh, since I can guess what "Clear Yellow" might be, there is no way I'm soaking my head in it. I made it all through junior high school without getting a single swirlie so don't try anything. On the way home from work today (at midnight) I got confronted by an obnoxious, garrulous drunk who just wouldn't leave me alone. I ignored him completely until he made the mistake of touching my arm to show me that he was demanding my attention. I told him off in a low, firm, loud voice ("LEAVE. ME. ALONE.") until his friend dragged him away. I don't like having to beat up mentally-impaired people, so it's a good thing the lush's friend took him away, because I was just at the point of having to decide between strategy A (threatening to punch him, then two seconds later having to punch him) and strategy B, which would have involved a lower, firmer, louder voice and telling him, "YOU. ARE. FUCKING. WITH. A. SADIST." and getting right in his face while going on about stuffing his head into a jar, etc., so that I could gradually make him back away from me until a street-sweeper ran him over -- problem solved without having to touch the icky souse. Unless, of course, his friend was Beable and Beable told me, "No he doesn't mind that! He LIKES it!" and then I'd have to take the guy home and cram him into a Skippy jar until he sobered up, and then I'd have to smash a perfectly good Skippy jar to let him out. That voice takes practice. I'm still learning how to do it right, but it's starting to become automatic enough that all it takes to get me to go into that mode is one annoying drunk. So, dogsnus, Beable, the two of you will KEEP. YOUR. CLEAR. YELLOW. OFF. ME. -- K. I'm really something of a newbie at telling people to fuck off, but it's an important skill that I will have a lot of chances to use in Boston. There are a lot of people here who should fuck off. It's like New York City without the eight pleasant people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 23:49:07 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > There are a lot of people everywhere who should fuck the hell off. I > > can think of several right here in this little newsgroup. I can think of > > one in particular that you personally should have told to fuck the hell > > off YEARS ago, but you don't, because deep down you are nice. > > Jeez, Stacia. What did Archimedes Plutonium ever do to you? I think it was a dinner date that went badly, right around the microwaved-paper-cup-of-spaghetti-and-exploded-cod-topped-with-a-used- Dove-ice-cream-bar. > Someone told me that I was too nice earlier this week, so now I'm trying > to be a manipulative weasel. It turns out that it's harder than it > looks. I give lessons. For free. Jake. Make your appointment NOW. Unless you're AFRAID. Two new reactions to my appearance and one battered old sign on the hot soup at the Prudential Shaw's market: "OH WOW!!!" "You look like Van Gogh. The painter." "Beef Barely Soup" The "Van Gogh" reaction was because my blood-orange-next-to-grape look had faded to orange-over-brown today (I have since bleached my hair as light as it can go -- which is currently yellow-orange, because the orange component of the dyes never bleaches out) and the "OH WOW!!!" was one of those cases where some bozette was in the lobby of my building waiting to get on the elevator and stood about two inches from the door because it's not like anyone could possibly be about to get off the same elevator, could they? Certainly not someone on his way to an appointment carrying certain... equipment. And the "Beef Barely Soup" would probably be delicious if it weren't misspelled and weren't served from a big-city supermarket self-service soup bar where thousands of idiots had probably stuck their thumb in the soup or licked the ladle within the last hour alone. I will score the gushed-out "OH WOW!!!" as my favorite reaction so far, although it's only 90% of the way to the "HOLY SHIT!!!" I still want. Hair to turn purple now. -- K. I bought some new shades of dye today -- my local punk store has been phasing out Manic Panic, so I got some Special Effects dyes instead. Today's acquisitions: Hot Lava (seems to be a dark orange/brown), Cherry Bomb (dark red), and the one I really want to try, Blue-Haired Freak (a brilliant ultramarine.) But because of the yellowish-orange residue from my previous dye jobs, I don't want to try blue yet (I might get green hair, and I refuse to have green hair in Boston) but hopefully the Barney purple (Manic Panic Divine Wine) will just get a little muted when I put it over the orange. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: I'm ready to dye Kibo's hair Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 22:36:46 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm really something of a newbie at telling people to fuck off, > > but it's an important skill that I will have a lot of chances > > to use in Boston. There are a lot of people here who should fuck off. > > There are a lot of people everywhere who should fuck the hell off. I > can think of several right here in this little newsgroup. I can think > of one in particular that you personally should have told to fuck the > hell off YEARS ago, but you don't, because deep down you are nice. TOO > nice. Please, that type of attack makes Harry Mudd's androids' heads explode, but I am immune to you complaining that I'm making you suffer by being too nice. So then this guy says to the psychiatrist, "I'm Mickey and I'm Minnie! I'm Mickey and I'm Minnie!" and the shrink says, "You know what your problen is? You're two nice!" and the guy says "There's no such word as 'problen', and also you're not a real psychiatrist, just a hallucinatium!" Then the two of them start fighting like Kirk wrestling Invisible Evil Kirk while the theme to "The Mickey Mouse Club" plays. Fade to nice. > I'm hoping some of this recent transformation sticks, so I will > know that you will kick the arse of people who deserve it. I'm sorry, I don't kiss ass, even with my foot. > Stop being nice. It pisses me off. And in what way does my being nice bother you, sweetie? Do you need a cookie? -- K. I have bleach paste in my hair right now and I think my whole brain is dissolving. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: another one of those splams Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 16:04:13 -0400 Regarding recent discussion of spam that attempts to foil content-filtering software by adding extra letters to the middle of words (I call it "splam"), I just got a beauty I had to share: -> Content-Type: text/html; -> charset="iso-9010-7" -> Content-Description: barbiturate downstate 705 "Going downstate on highway 705" would be a great lyric for a song nobody would realize is about barbituates. -> AgTTK7ENTzION! Lo*w rate! Nro$w is thTPe tiIrme to re-fik6nanc{e! -> -> `3.22% -> -> Gra^b it HEPRiE, wh+ile you can! I'm sorry, if I ever go out of my way to get herpes, I'm not going to grab them, I will get them very carefully. And even if I did for some reason want to grab herpies, I wouldn't want to grab them from a spammer. -> - NOBSODY IS TUuRNED DOWN, NOBODY! Nobsody was turned down! POOR NOBSODY! -> - ABSOL-UTEKLY FROEE OF CHA0dRGE, FREE! -> -> please r'e.movOe yours79elxbf, if yo/u would like to disRceoonPjtinue -> furtBnher mabiling REMHHOVE HERE Nobsody kept furtbnhering! "Hey, stop farting in my bathtub!" said his landlord. "I'm evicting you, you stinky furtbnher!" I'm sorry, that was the best I could do with that word. But somebsody had to come up with a definiption so we could all underfstand it. The message in question was HTML-formatted, so I examined the code. This was the "clever" way they tried to write their message so that computers wouldn't recognize it as obvious gibberish: -> [...] NOBSODY [...] That works just fine, if you don't read your mail with a program which is stupid enough to just ignore all the HTML tags completely, instead of doing like an ordinary bozo and reading your mail with your Web browser and using your toilet as a sink and wearing underpants up your nose and collecting pogs. -- K. And it's a dumb idea to add HTML to a message to try to get it past the spam filters, given how many people simply use the rule that if a message contains " > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else > > combined? How come people follow up to other people's posts more often > > than they do to mine? At least 50% of the posts here should be > > followups to me, because I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. > > here's a bonus follow-up! and it's sort of about you! > > recently, some people in the latest time waster aka "social network", > orkut, suggested that weblogs = HappyNet. as in, the majority of all > weblogs fall into the bozo.* category, with tiny fringes of nonbozo.* and > megabozo.* in the same proportions you originally noted. That sentence would seem to make absolutely no sense if I didn't know exactly what it meant. I feel sorry for the government agents who are eavesdropping on this conversation. "What's an orkut? What's a nonbozo?" (And in the name of national security, they _should_ be eavesdropping, because, after all, I live in a building that used to have Al-Qaeda operatives in it.) > now, aside from noting the humor of one bozotic community picking on the > bozosity of another, I also felt I should ask for an official confirmation: > *ARE* weblogs the new HappyNet? or is HappyNet something else, like cable > news channels? Sadly, weblogs are the new HappyNet. Jorn Barger tried to warn us, before the conespiracy whisked him away from the InterHappyNet. Around Christmas 1997, when he was advertising his new Web page -- which he named a "weblog" -- he predicted that eventually the Internet would groan under the weight of HUNDREDS OF WEBLOGS! -> From: Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) -> Subject: MISC: "Weblogs" are the best format for hotlists -> Date: 1997/12/25 -> Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.announce -> -> My latest webpage is a daily running log of the best webpages I visit: -> -> -> -> If your interests seem to overlap mine, even partially, bookmark this -> link and check back every day or so for new discoveries. -> -> I suspect that in a year there'll be hundreds of people maintaining -> pages like this, and that this will allow good URLs to spread much more -> quickly... so I recommend that all enthusiastic surfers take a shot at -> maintaining such a "weblog" (using the Frontier scripting environment, -> if you need to, for efficiency). -> -> j But now he's gone. Somewhere, he's feebly clawing at the inside of an orange barrel. > we must, after all, determine if any more of your predictions have come > true, like that one about the iDodecahedron. Or the one about how orange cones will kill us all? > AND ALSO! how come no one is celebrating the 30th birthday of Dungeons & > Dragons by re-enacting the best Tom Hanks film ever? if you be Tom Hanks, I > will be the dumb genius kid with the cursing parrot. LOOK! IT'S A > BOTTOMLESS PIT! I WILL JUMP IN IT! BECAUSE, TREASURE! ALSO, EVEN THOUGH I > AM A SPRITE AND PRESUMABLY HAVE WINGS, I WILL PLUNGE TO MY DEATH! It's also the 40th birthday of the BASIC programming language this month. BASIC was a language that was primarily printed in magazines in the form of filler that you could type into your computer to get a program that could roll a virtual d6 for your "Dungeons & Dragons" games if they wouldn't let you have any real dice, what with the sharp corners and easy swallowability. The real question is, when will we be celebrating the 50th anniversary of cones becoming the dominant life form on Earth? -- K. 2045? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:41:35 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, because > > I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. > > Yay! a kibo post that isn't 180987 lines long! Even I can reply to this. Shouldn't longer articles make it easier to reply, because there's more black and white shapes in them to stimulate baby's tiny brain? (They're called "letters", and sometimes if you read more than six or seven of them they make "sentences" which contain "meaning" that may or may not say something, but in any case, it's always worth replying just to show off that you got or didn't get the meaning.) -- K. And where did you get the number "180987"? It's a very interesting number. It's the smallest positive integer that has those digits in that order! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:15:37 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, and Seth Goldin is now permitted to speak, but only if he uses > > the word "cone" at least once per message while following up to ME. > > I want to thank you so much! That was driving me crazy! There. Now you are crazy. DEAL WITH IT! > [...] > > Let's get back to the topic. Kibo, you are extraordinary. You are a > celebrity in a virtual world. You SHOULD receive more acknowledgement for > that. Why aren't you on the front page of my newspaper every day? I think > that they should just have periodicals filled with your writings and > articles from Usenet. So buy a laser printer and press splat-P right now. Sheesh, are you so lazy that you buy _ready-made_ magazines? -- K. Either I just made a big, big mistake, or else I decided that instead of being cruel to Seth it would be more fun to let him talk as a way of being cruel to everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 02:41:27 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come people follow up to other people's posts more often than they > > do to mine? > > I dunno. Following up to your posts is so trendy. Worst half of a misquote of an apocryphal Yogi Berra fake malapropism ever. What, did you only pay Bruce Villanch five cents? > > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the > > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME. > > Hm. Well, the only thing I have to tell is this: > > Recently Andrew Jeanes and I realized that we're having too much great > sex on a regular basis. So, knowing that the best cure for great sex on > a regular basis is marriage, he asked me to marry him. > > Oh, and I said yes. YAY! I AM OFFICIALLY AMUSED NOW! I AM AMUSED BY YOUR FUTURE NUPTIALS! Congrats, Andrew and Keltie. When do I get all the gifts? David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Andrew Jeanes (ajeanes@tracer.consecol.org) wrote: > > > > Still, and all, we're open to any and all suggestions on how to make > > our wedding as kibological as possible. > > One pair of my friends had ninjas invade their wedding. I suppose pirates > and/or zombies would also be possible. You could hold the wedding in Boston and I could have something more interesting than ninjas invade your wedding. And if you do it within the next two and a half weeks, it could even be a straight wedding, assuming you're into that sort of thing. Other wacky Kibological themes for a wedding: * Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower, and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter. * Jailhouse wedding. (Needs no explanation.) * Einstein & Marilyn wedding. One of you dresses up as Einstein, the other as Marilyn Monroe, then the two of you get married, and history is forever changed. * "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN! What will become of ME?" * Soviet Constructivist wedding. Everyone has to come dressed as either a scalene triangle or a smudge of red. * Gary Burghoff wedding. The wedding is invaded by a trained team of Gary Burghoffs. Then people will say, "Look, Gary Burghoffs! When do we get cake?" * Hello Kitty wedding. Everyone has to wear Hello Kitty costumes so that the world can thrill to the oh-so-cute sight of two Hello Kitties getting married, and then trying to kiss without mouths. * Wedgie wedding. "If anyone knows any reason why this couple should not be wed, come up here to receive your massive wedgie!" * World's Stickiest Wedding. (Needs no explanation.) -- K. And what about that brief fad in 1976 for "Match Game" weddings? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: wedding cones (was: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined?) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:17:27 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > Recently Andrew Jeanes [...] asked me to marry him. > > > > > > Oh, and I said yes. > > > > Congrats, Andrew and Keltie. When do I get all the gifts? > > You get to shake each gift and make sure they don't explodiate. I think > between us we may have a few enemies. You know, bitter exes, crazy exes, > that sort of thing. Inevitable. Okay. Send me all the gifts and I'll shake them and mail back the ones that don't sound dangerous or expensive. > > You could hold the wedding in Boston and I could have something more > > interesting than ninjas invade your wedding. And if you do it within > > the next two and a half weeks, it could even be a straight wedding, > > assuming you're into that sort of thing. > > It's in two years and three months. But it's in Ottawa, which should > make you want to come anyhow, right? Assuming the hockey strike is settled by then and I haven't been killed by my enemies by then ((a) orange cones, (b) Al-Qaeda, and (c) the makers of cheese.) > > Other wacky Kibological themes for a wedding: > > > > * Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower, > > and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter. > > The shower part sounds fun. And I'm sure there will be cones no matter > what, uninvited yet lurking in corners. It's going to be at a yacht > club, and I'd be willing to be they have cones everywhere. When you book a "fantasy suite" at the hotel for the honeymoon, tell them you want the only room with a "No Cones" theme. > > * "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can > > yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN! > > What will become of ME?" > > My first wedding was very nearly comic book themed. Let us not go there. Superman and Wonder Woman? Mickey & Minnie? Casper & Wendy? Richie Rich & Cadbury? > > * World's Stickiest Wedding. (Needs no explanation.) > > Actually, I'd really like to read an explanation. Just for entertainment > purposes, of course. I'll let someone with a more perverted mind than mine write that story, because I want to read it, not write it. > > And what about that brief fad in 1976 for "Match Game" weddings? > > I think I'm still going to stick with the bees. We'll give everyone an > open Coke and smash a beehive. Bees like Coke? I did not know that. I'm glad I'm not a bee because I don't like carbonation or caffeine any more. -- K. Carbonated, caffeinated hot sauce would be a major dilemma. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 13:32:40 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > James Kibo Parry wrote: > > > > > > * Einstein & Marilyn wedding. One of you dresses up as Einstein, > > > the other as Marilyn Monroe, then the two of you get married, and > > > history is forever changed. > > For best results, switch costumes at the intermission. I think that was an episode of "The Special Show" written by Judy Blume, where at a party, Teen Einstein and Teen Marilyn had sixty seconds to go into the closet and switch clothes. They won because all the other teams were stupid enough to stay in there longer than sixty seconds because they were making out and mushy stuff. > > > * Soviet Constructivist wedding. Everyone has to come dressed > > > as either a scalene triangle or a smudge of red. > > If you carry an electron in your pocket, you can go as a free radical. Guh. > > > * World's Stickiest Wedding. (Needs no explanation.) > > > > Actually, I'd really like to read an explanation. Just for entertainment > > purposes, of course. > > I bet it involves aerogels and/or copper cleanser and/or habanero KY jelly. Now you're making me fantasize about that late-1970s commercial again. The one with the Joplinesque ragtime piano music as a scuba diver and a swimsuit model are lowered into a huge mound of shaving cream and disappearing inside with a "BLORP!" and then coming out dressed as Einstein and Marilyn. I can't remember which brand of shaving cream it was, I just know I've always wanted to be that scuba diver getting lowered onto the swimsuit model by crane inside shaving cream. And the dubbed-in "BLORP!" just makes it better. -- K. So if Marilyn Munster was the "normal" one, why did she have a different face in half the episodes? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:47:21 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Eartha or Julie or The Other One). > > Oh, dear, just WAIT till Kibo hears that Stacia doesn't remember the > brainy babe from Time Tunnel. She had a brain? All I remember is some legs hidden under a dorky lab coat, but I did remember that in "The Fantasy Film Worlds Of Irwin Allen" (a Sci-Fi Channel documentary several years ago) she showed off how she got a scar on her leg from when a time-travelling pirate tried to hurl her off that silly bridge over the bottomless chasm outside the limbo set containing the secret control room of the Time Tunnel. Also, on "Star Trek", she could turn into a straight line which then turned into a dot, and could kill you by groping your shoulder. She wore a harem-girl outfit with a little flap sticking up from her bikini bottom to cover up her belly button, because women on TV weren't allowed to have belly buttons 300 years in the future in the 1960s. (I've never found belly buttons interesting, but apparently some people liked them enough that the censors had to keep them from showing.) Also, my late friend Gharlane once watched her working out on a trampoline. TOP THAT! -- K. I forget who the other hot chick on that trampoline was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:06:06 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > * Hazmat wedding. Orange cones, bio-suits, a decontamination shower, > > and a priest blessing you with a Geiger counter. > > Only Kibo could make me want to get married. Bad. Okay, we'll change the "for better or for worse" part to just "bad". Then we'll have the band play "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" while blindfolded and the priest will say "Fidelio" and we'll all put on black robes and domino masks and stand around motionlessly for about six hours. > > * "Batman" wedding. Have Robin follow you to the altar so he can > > yell "Holy nuptial nausea! Batman's getting married to a WOMAN! > > What will become of ME?" > > You missed the obvious, that one of them dresses like Batman and one > like Robin and all the guests have to dress like Catwoman (any flavor, > Eartha or Julie or The Other One). Lee Meriwether was my favorite. Check out the scenes in "Batman: The Movie" (1966) which are shot with her legs doing exercises in the foreground while something completely unrelated transpires somewhere back where nobody's going to bother looking at it. Julie Newmar had great legs, too, but didn't have that flirty acting style. Eartha's voice was her asset. So I think what we need is a Catwoman with one Julie leg and one Lee leg, but all of Lee's acting talent and Eartha's voice, and Michelle Pfeiffer's costume. > But the guests have to sob and wail and gnash their teeth because they > were the ones who really wanted to marry Batman and they could love him > better than Robin ever could - he's just a boy! What does he know? > I mean he's not even old enough to drink, for fuck's sake. And his > costume is pieced together from old circus tents. Yeah, but wearing a tight bikini brief made of scratch tent canvas instead of silky lycra is why he's going to grow up butch. > What the hell were these two thinking, and BRING ME MORE > CHAMPAGNE, PADRE, I'M GETTIN' DRY OVER HERE!!! > > That would be a bitchin' wedding. Okay, let's do it. You get Burt Ward locked in the trunk of your car, I'll round up Adam West and Lee Meriwether, we'll have Adam and Lee get married, and me and Jack Black, and then someday maybe we'll let Burt Ward out again once he promises to never use the word "holy" again, ironically or not. -- K. Also, the Riddler could write the vows. "Why is a bride like Kibo's bathtub? Because they both have A RING! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HAW HAW HEH, uh, get it? A RING!!! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE oh my heart help me I've never felt so much pain why won't anyone call 9-1-1 ack thud." Then at his funeral, the Joker could write the euology. And then if the Joker laughed himself to death, Charles Nelson Reilly could do his eulogy, except I'd ask him to laugh Carrot Top to death. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 14:58:12 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > * Soviet Constructivist wedding. Everyone has to come dressed > > as either a scalene triangle or a smudge of red. > > What about just a _Soviet_ wedding? A guard of honour with hammers and > sickles! The MC banging the table with his shoe! A tractor with a > "Just Married" sign on it! Solemn music! A cake in the shape of a > giant potato, made entirely FROM potatoes! > > MRS BURRAGE, IT'S TIME TO RENEW OUR VOWS!! I was going to say something about how if you marry her twice Soviet style she's going to develop two mustaches, but I thought that cheap shot was beneath me, so I didn't mention it, and besides I'd be embarassed to say it because Jay Leno could probably think up the same wisecrack without any help from his fifteen writers. (It took me sixteen.) -- K. I do not plan to dye my thick, luxurious back hair to match either my beard _or_ my mustache. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 02:17:32 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the > > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME. > > Well, I for one am not going to fall for this obvious and transparent > manipulation, because I AM NOT A ROBOT! Waah! BUT I WANNA BE A ROBOT! With a little training, your dream could be accomplished. Do you want to be a robot with an S6 gas mask for a face, or a robot with an S10 gas mask for a face or just a robot who looks like rappin' Abraham Lincoln? > > Oh, and Seth Goldin is now permitted to speak, but only if he uses > > the word "cone" at least once per message while following up to ME. > > You're getting soft, Kibo. What happened to that merciless sadist we all > suddenly grew familiar with a few days ago? Why not "...while following > up to ME and at the same time receiving a habanero enema", or something? I'd think anyone who spends as much time reading alt.religion.kibology as I do would have to be at least _part_ masochist. > > I'M ME, and nobody else can say that! > > ...without going back in time and swapping baby Kibo with baby them. > Now wherever did I put the keys to my Tardis? By the way, around here, in a few months channel 11 will be showing "The Face Of Evil". You know, the "Doctor Who" episode where the bad guy has the same name as you... EXCEPT CORRECTLY SPELLED. -- K. If you want to be a robot, bend over and beep like a pig. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:16:21 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else combined? > > Because Mimi tells me that she loves me affinity times affinity. How > can you compete with that? I must love her more than you. I love you MAXINT timesed by NaN to the power of Google.com. > > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the > > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME. > > Apparently you have not been following current religious trends in > America. The whole god who demands that you sacrifice lots of time, > money, etc. thing is right out. It kind of went the way of the god > who was going to burn all the homosexual people in hell [...] Oh, he's only going to do that to the _effeminate_ ones. The butch ones get to work the controls on the giant griddle all the others dance on. And the straight-acting ones, they take the photos that are then sold to finance the whole operation. > So if you want the modern, gay is okay type religion, you are also stuck > with the whole, show up every once in a while if you feel like it and > put a bumper sticker about me on your car and that's enough good works > type religion. I don't have a car, so I can have whatever sort of religion I want. This lack of a car permits me to hold the religious belief that if I had a car I'd run over all those bastards who can afford cars! > I will admit that I have been remiss in the bumper sticker department, > but to be perfectly honest, I have been going through a kind of crisis > of faith lately. Given your most recent revelations from on high, What revelations? That Coke and Pepsi are made from a mixture of Lysol and Worcestershire sauce? That Potsie's feet were the wrong size for the 1950s? That "The Simpsons" might be a cartoon? > I am wrestling with whether it would be better to end up in hell than > in your version of heaven. They're actually the same place, just with different lighting. > If your heaven wins, I'll have a bumper sticker made forthwith. > You can let me know then what color hair to have the printers put on > it and whether you want to be my co-pilot or my typesetter. That reminds me, I should be dyeing my hair right now. Gotta go. -- K. (purrrrrrrrple) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 03:14:22 -0400 A short while ago, I wrote: > > That reminds me, I should be dyeing my hair right now. Gotta go. The Manic Panic Divine Wine proved to be a lot runnier than the other colors I've worked with. I smeared it all over my hair and beard, and had done everything except my mustache, when the inspiration struck me to do the mustache in a different color, so I did it in Special Effects Blue Haired Freak (largely to see if that would work on my yellowish- orange hair without having to shave my whole head if it went green.) I got a denim-colored mustache and deep purple hair (which will probably fade to magenta in a few days.) However, the Divine Wine proved to have incredible staining powers. Much of my face now has a purple tint, and my sink is stained with brilliant purple splotches, and while I was shampooing my hair repeatedly -- leading to first purple soap suds, then magenta soap suds, then pink soap suds -- I made a bright pink bathtub ring that will _not_ come off, because apparently I am the Cat In The Hat. I'm more of the debonair, devil-may-care whimsical wacky playmate version than the obnoxious asshole version played by Mike Myers. Anyway, the super-intense rubine dye in one jar of Divine Wine, if added to the Atlantic Ocean, could turn half the planet to Pepto-Bismol. This stuff is powerful. Okay, I just went back and put a second round of the Blue Haired Freak in my mustache (since it doesn't seem to stain skin that much, and since I want more blue -- the stuff is a beautiful ultramarine in the bottle.) It should be interesting to see how people react to purple hair with a purple beard and a blue mustache. -- K. And if they don't react, I'll borrow one of their towels and rub it on my head until all their laundry turns purple. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:11:43 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, the Divine Wine proved to have incredible staining powers. > > Much of my face now has a purple tint, and my sink is stained with > > brilliant purple splotches, and [...] a bright pink bathtub ring > > that will _not_ come off > > You do know the trick about vaseline on the hairline and face and > ears, right? Yes, but not the one you're thinking of. Also, silicone oil works better because it doesn't eat through latex. > And also about Comet, which not only makes your teeth turn > green, it scrubs even the most potent bathtub ring right out? The operative word is "scrubs", which involves physical labor. If you want my bathtub cleaned your way, come over here and do it, otherwise I'll just wait for the ring to biodegrade away all by itself over the decades. > When I did my hair red for a couple hours before it ran out, I managed > to get my tub and bathmat really, really red. Just regular use on the > tub has gotten the bathtub ring out, and the bathmat soaked to a nice > pink in bleach. It will be OK. Unless you plan on moving in the next > week or two. Why would I? Do you know something I don't about Al-Qaeda? > > Okay, I just went back and put a second round of the Blue Haired Freak > > in my mustache (since it doesn't seem to stain skin that much, and > > since I want more blue -- the stuff is a beautiful ultramarine in > > the bottle.) > > I think the rebellious teen Canadian chyk in "Bowling For Columbine" > had faded Blue-Haired Freak. Even faded it looked pretty good. The > roots didn't look so hot. Sure it wasn't Bad Boy Blue? That's a more faded-looking ultramarine. See "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" if you want to see most of the shades of Manic Panic on the same character. -- K. So how did they bleach it out between scenes? Even persulfate bleach won't get the orange out for me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:06:11 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It should be interesting to see how people react to purple hair > > with a purple beard and a blue mustache. > > Good god, you've become Space Butler. Do you have an enormous bowtie > to go with your newly chromatic coiffure? Please, it's us Space Vikings who are hairy and blue. Space Butlers look like Woody Allen in clown makeup with a shower nozzle in his mouth. And I have not worn a bowtie since I quit my job shovelling mounds of rancid dairy products behind that supermarket in the 1980s. But yes, it was purple. Dark, ugly, mauvish-charcoal purple. Polyester. To match the orange polyester vest that had the texture of a Triscuit. Perhaps my reaction to that vest is why although I have lots of leather clothes, I haven't bought a single vest. I am resisting that part of the stereotype until the weather gets so hot I will have to switch from a jacket to a vest. Give me another two weeks. -- K. Space Daws Butler would sound just like Earth Frank Welker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:01:32 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, the Divine Wine proved to > > have incredible staining powers. Much of my face now has a purple > > tint, and my sink is stained with brilliant purple splotches, and > > while I was shampooing my hair repeatedly -- leading to first purple > > soap suds, then magenta soap suds, then pink soap suds -- I made > > a bright pink bathtub ring that will _not_ come off, > > I think you should be having much regret you didn't let me dye your hair now. > I managed to dye _all_ my stuff without so much as a drop getting > on my skin and the shop sink is still as white as it was when I started. [X] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of bathroom fixtures I bet you keep a slipcover over your toilet to make sure nobody can get it dirty, too. > And now,I'm laughing too hard to type anymore. Which of the five types of reaction to my appearance does that count as? -- K. And did you cry when the Cat In The Hat came back? (I do love to eat cake in the bathtub.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:06:58 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else > > combined? > > Because we know you. Ohhhhhhhhh nooooooo youuuuuu donnnnnnnn't. You might not believe this, but I'm kind of weird! > > [...] post a followup to this article, just in the desperate hopes > > that something interesting might happen to amuse ME. > > No way, Leatherman! Not a chance. Yes way, clothbaby. You're going to say something amusing and witty and zany and insightful and zing me with a coupon good for fifty cents off a whole case of Dolly Madison Zingers, even if it kills Bob Hope. Hey, could someone kill Bob Hope again for me? I miss wondering why he was still alive. > -- > Chris McG. > Harming humanity since 1951. > "And it wasn't a Norse ear spoon. I clean my ears like a proper modern > person, with my pinky finger." -- Kibo It wastes a lot of my precious time. I need an earslave. -- K. Or at least a Norse ear spoon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:05:49 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, because > > I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. > > 50% of my posts are followups to you, but I conceal them as followups to > other people so they won't feel bad. Wouldn't it be easier for you just to conceal the other people? Don't you have a basement or an attic or some drums filled with lye? > > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, just in the > > desperate hopes that something interesting might happen to amuse ME. > > Nothing ever happens that amuses you. I am certainly not capable of amusing myself quietly. The neighbors keep wondering what all the explosions and calliope music are for. -- K. I shouldn't post this, because it's too uninteresting. It's almost like it's a followup to me, not a followup by me. MEEEEEE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 01:47:07 -0400 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come people follow up to other people's posts more often than they > > do to mine? At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, > > because I'M ME, DAMMIT. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. > > Now I imagine you as Hugo Weaving. I have his facial bone structure. (Want to see it? I keep it in a big jar.) My tall, thin, angular face means that if the terrible movie "Face/Off" ever becomes terribly real, I won't have to worry about either John Travolta or Nicholas Cage secretly switching faces with me if I fall asleep on the subway. However, Hugo Weaving, Richard Moll, Sting, or Matt Frewer might. So if I ever show up looking like Max Headroom or singing the awful song "Roxanne", please call the police to report an unauthorized use of the automatic face-swapping machine. -- K. I always imagined Legolas having a rounder head, with tiny eyes and a fixed smile and bright yellow skin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 00:05:27 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, > > because I'M ME, DAMMIT. > > [...] > anyways, since you are the ONLY person I have replied to this week, > this makes you the MOST SPECIAL EXTRA SPECIAL PERSON EVER in this > newsgroup. > > this week. I declare next week to also be this week, in fact, I declare that this week will have 30000000000000000000000000000000000005 days. Also, Woody Allen's underwear will be changed every hour. It will be worn on the outside so we can check, and to make wedgies easier. > I may as well take this opportunity to spout some random things that > have been happening in my life: > > 1. [...] > > 2. [...] > > 3. [...] > > 4. [...] > > 5. [...] > > to sum up: who's Seth Goldin? Just some guy who'll be first against the wall when the Wedgie Patrol comes. -- K. In the New World Order, every city will have a Wedgie Wall and every Wedgie Wall will have a guy dressed as Humpty Dumpty sitting on it yelling, "I'M NOT HUMPTY DUMPTY, BECAUSE HUMPTY DUMPTY DIDN'T SIT ON THE WEDGIE WALL! NOW BEND OVER!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 23:55:50 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else > > combined? > > Because, pie. Is them's a throwin' pie or an eatin' pie? I gotsk to know before I throws it. Or mebbe I shouldsk just jam it inna my bazooker. I yam what I yam and I splurge who I splurge, I'm Pop-Pie The Splurge Gun Man. > > Oh, and Seth Goldin is now permitted to speak, but only if he uses > > the word "cone" at least once per message while following up to ME. > > Great. If my scorefile eats my killfile, I'm sending you the bill. In > lieu of payment, you can just send Tom Kraemer over, with some bourbon. I'm not sure the bourbon would make your wall the right shade of blue. -- K. I wish Popeye would die already. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 22:27:58 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come you folks don't love me more than you love everyone else > > combined? > > You know how Phil Spector told us that "to know, know, know him is to > love, love, love him"? Well, Phil was wrong, wrong, wrong, and, since > Kibology is the study of Kibo, we all know, know, know an awful lot of > you, you, you. I don't know if I agree, because I never heard any of his Firesign Theatre records. Also, isn't it just possible that everything I've ever said was a lie? > > How come people follow up to other people's posts more often than they > > do to mine? At least 50% of the posts here should be followups to me, > > It might have something to do with that flogger held not so covertly > behind your back. Oh, sure, blame the guy who's found a way to combine Tai Chi with self-flagellation by standing still with a flogger almost touching his back. > > I'M ME, and nobody else can say that! > > The rest of us, of course, have been bullied by our high-school English > teachers into using the subjective form "I SEEM TO BE MYSELF." Really? I seem to be BETTER than myself. So, NYAH better than NYAH. -- K. I'm glad people are following up to me. Now I can shorten Wedgie Happy Hour to thirty minutes because you people were good. Enjoy tonight's Wedgie Half Happy Hour. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 22:20:45 -0400 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I require everyone to post a followup to this article, > > just in the desperate hopes that something interesting might > > happen to amuse ME. > > That lump is cancer. SO JUST EAT AROUND IT! Sheesh, I go to all the trouble of opening half a can of cold stew and dumping it into a Baggie and putting it in your pocket for your lunch and you're complaining about the lumps in between the goiters and the blebs. Fine, just see if I ever buy you any more Dinty Moore products. I'll switch to feeding you the really cheap Michael Moore canned food. -- K. "Lumps mean your food has stuff in it. Always ask for lumps." -- The American Lump Council ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women on personals sites don't like Country Music? Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 16:24:52 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > Why do all the women's profiles I look at have their music interests > > listing all types of music except country. Some people really hate it. > > In the personals I read, women all seem to want a man with a GOSH. I > think GOSH stands for "Good, Obscure Sense of Humour" and I'm not sure > why it's rated so highly. But there you go. Tim, it's because country music sucks. John, it's because my sense of humor is more obscure, and therefore gooder, than yours. I keep having to explain the dinner menu to Trimalchio. Puns so rarefied nobody knows they're there! > Women also tend emphasise their hair colour for some reason; men, > their height. Perhaps women find height almost as important as a GOSH? > I don't know. I emphasize my hair color to emphasize my height. I aim to make it Barney purple in a few hours, but probably only for two weeks. > Lastly, neither men nor women mention mastery of staplers or wire in > their personals, nor the ability to consume copious amounts of beer. I > never understood why this is so. Because most men have never truly mastered wire, or even its most obvious erotic properties. And it's understood that all men know how to consume mass quantities of beer. The only men who don't are the ones who drink Zima, you know, asexuals. -- K. I suspect that "GOSH" acronym stands for "Giant Organ So Hard". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why didn't anyone warn me about this? THE CONES ARE COMING! Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:04:50 -0400 Three weeks ago, New Scientist magazine tried to warn me. And did any of you folks warn me that they were trying to warn me? No, I had to find out about it through the _old-fashioned_ grapevine (i.e. fark.com) instead of reading it here on alt.religion.kibology! [from www.NewScientist.com] -> -> Robotic traffic cones swarm onto highways -> -> Max Glaskin, 19:00 28 April 04 -> -> Herds of robotic traffic cones could soon be swarming onto a -> highway, closing down lanes and slowing the traffic. Quick, someone alert the Homeland Security Agency to drop the bomb NOW! Set up barriers to keep these cones off our roads! Everyone, block the roads with blue cubes to keep out the orange cones of doom! -> The new road markers have been developed by Shane Farritor, a -> roboticist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, in a bid to -> help reduce the $100 billion per year that the Department of -> Transportation estimates is lost to the US economy through -> accidents and delays caused by highway lane closures. And using these new cones to close down lanes and slow the traffic will prevent $100 billion worth of "delays" how? -> The self-propelled markers take the form of robotic three-wheeled -> bases for the brightly coloured barrels that are set out to -> demarcate road repair zones. Farritor says they can open and -> close traffic lanes faster and more safely than humans. But what does he know? He doesn't know whether they're shaped like cones or barrels! In any case, I do soon expect to see cones and/or barrels trundling down the road shouting "EX! TER! MI! NATE! EX! TER! MI! NATE!" Fortunately, they can't follow us into our homes because they can't climb steps or work doorknobs or fit through doorways or do anything other than spin around and explode when confused, but still, they are expected to terrorize Earth repeatedly, especially the area of London contained within the parking lot of the BBC Television Centre. The United Nations is setting up an Intelligence Taskforce, but they haven't yet found a Brigadier with a butch enough mustache to lead it. -> The markers are delivered to the roadside by a specially equipped -> truck, from which an operator controls their deployment using a -> laptop computer. Each fleet of robots is made up of a lead robot -> or "shepherd", which is equipped with a Global Positioning System -> satellite navigation receiver, plus a number of less expensive -> "dumb" units. Dumber than the average traffic cone? -> The laptop screen displays an image of the road, captured by a -> camera mounted on top of the truck. Using software developed by -> Farritor's team, the operator marks on the screen where the -> barrels should be placed. -> -> Dead reckoning -> -> From this the software calculates the GPS coordinates of the -> point where the shepherd should be placed, and this is sent to -> the shepherd via a radio link. The shepherd takes up its -> position, and also tells the other markers, by radio, where to -> go. They then use dead reckoning - counting how many times their -> wheels turn, for instance - to work out their position. This reminds me, I still need to test out that universal remote control I got. Where's the nearest line of programmable cones? I look forward to a newspaper article about how construction crews are baffled by the strange voodoo rays that make their cones spell out "MARS NEEDS WOMEN". -> Each robotic base has two electric motors, powered by a 12-volt -> lead-acid battery, which drive two 20-centimetre-diameter wheels. -> This allows the robot bases to turn on the spot, and travel at up -> to 1.3 metres per second - about walking pace. More like zombie pace. But still, we all know from movies that people seldom escape from slow-moving zombies, so we should fear these creepy, crawling cones. -> The shepherd checks its "sheep" are in the right place using a -> laser-based radar (or "lidar") system to correct any positional -> errors. The lidar also has a safety role. If a marker is detected -> consistently straying out of position, the shepherd moves it out -> of harm's way and shuts it down. "YOU. ARE. OUT. OF. PO. SI. TION. YOU. WILL. BE. DIS. IN. TE. GRA. TED. BY. MY. LI. DAR." *ZAP* -> On a test track, Farritor and his team used a swarm of six -> markers to form wedge-shaped lane barriers. He says they were -> able to achieve an accuracy close to that of humans. "HU. MANS. WILL. BE. RE. PLACED. BY. CONE. U. NITS. CONE. U. NITS. RE. PLACE. RE. PLACE. I. AM. RE. PEAT. ING. MY. SELF. I. MUST. EX. PLODE. NOW." *BANG* -> Cost cutting -> -> "Our tests proved these robots can work in teams to provide -> traffic control," he says. "Deploying and retrieving highway -> markers on open roads is hazardous so the robots will reduce -> risks for workmen," he adds. Except that the robocones will eradicate anyone who tries to turn them off. Our only hope is that we can mildly puzzle the cone units until they self-destruct. "EX. TER. MI. NATE. E. RAD. I. CATE. EX. PUNGE. EX. PLODE." *BANG* -> Farritor says the next steps will be to improve the graphical -> positioning software on the PC and to cut the cost of the cones -> so the idea can be commercialised. They'll probably just use slave labor to product the cones that will then enslave us all, except for the ones who are already enslaved, who will just be given an operation that turns them into walking cones. -> The prototypes cost $700 each, but the team aims to reduce that -> to $200 by using cheaper motors. "At that price I believe the -> savings will mean it will still be affordable if one dies in the -> line of duty," he says. "After all, the cost of a funeral for a cone is only $400, so that's still a $100 savings." -> Andrew Howard, head of road safety for the AA Motoring Trust in -> the UK, welcomed the idea. "They could be a big help on lanes -> that are shut during quiet times and reopened during peak traffic -> periods," he says. "The cones will enforce quiet time for all between 3 and 4 P.M., right before the graham crackers and multiplication table recitals." -- K. So if the cones are Daleks, may I please be a Cyberman? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone warn me about this? THE CONES ARE COMING! Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 03:58:50 -0400 Ben Allard (graggleham3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Three weeks ago, New Scientist magazine tried to warn me. And did any > > of you folks warn me that they were trying to warn me? No, I had to > > find out about it through the _old-fashioned_ grapevine (i.e. fark.com) > > instead of reading it here on alt.religion.kibology! > > Plorkwort not only reminded you, she even went so far as to do it in verse! Oh. Yes, she did. But she did it at 5:58pm today while I was at the office (and therefore forbidden to read Usenet.) However, according to the timestamp on the file, I saved my draft of "cones.txt" at precisely 5:52pm so that I could later post it from home, and did not discover Plorkwort's beautiful little poem until after dyeing my hair one and a half times. Therefore, Plorkwort owes me six minutes. > That > c :0 > is very, > hard b > unlessyou?doit a > .e!s!r!e!vxeerf ni You are Walter Koenig as Alfred E. Bester. what o me r r y? Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > [ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3666989.stm ] > > Higgledy piggledy > Robotic traffic cones > Dance and they sing > And they never are late > > The only flaw is with the > Ones with delusions > Who push cars around and > Shout "Exterminate!" I got my news from New Scientist, but you got yours from the BBC, which explains why your version of the article has a terrifying photo sequence of a line of orange Daleks herding the pu-ny hu-mans off the road. The version in New Scientist didn't even have a stick figure version of a single cone, let alone four photos that could be printed out and assembled into a flipbook. The BBC also calls them "bollards", which sounds like something from a bad Benny Hill sketch: Benny Hill: Look a' that, they got orange things out there. Rita Webb: BOLLARDS! Benny Hill: IT'S TRUE! Rita Webb: Shut up and chase me off to the horizon already. Benny Hill: Not a chance, you statternly fat cow! Now excuse me while I pat a bald man on the head in fast-motion for ten minutes to kill time on this 1980s HBO special I'm doing to pay for my drinking problem. Jane Leeves: 'Ello, I'm so grating that someday I'll be on "Frasier". Anyway, Plorkwort, your poem is beautiful, even if it's not in the form of an ancient Roman board game. -- K. CONESY JONESY ATETWO DALEKS HEDIED POINTY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why didn't anyone warn me about this? THE CONES ARE COMING! Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 04:09:55 -0400 I just wrote: > > I got my news from New Scientist, but you got yours from the BBC, > which explains why your version of the article has a terrifying > photo sequence of a line of orange Daleks herding the pu-ny hu-mans > off the road. The version in New Scientist didn't even have > a stick figure version of a single cone, let alone four photos > that could be printed out and assembled into a flipbook. Hey lookie! I made them into a flipbook! On the Internet! http://www.kibo.com/pix/cones_anim.gif In case you don't want to look at it, it's just a four-frame animated sequence showing five orange barrels jumping around in a parking lot. You probably don't need to look at it anyway, because you'll be seeing the killer cones up close real soon. I suggest moving to an upper floor and don't open the door for anybody, especially if they have fluorescent orange skin and no head. -- K. I dinna mind the brisk pace and a Dalek or two, it's the Jersey barrier that I hate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, they said it would happen! (Breaking o. cone news) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 04:16:00 -0400 Andrew Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > From The New Scientist: > "Robotic traffic cones swarm onto highways" > http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994932 > > The article, by the way, contains all sorts of ominous wording: > "lead-acid", "laser-based", "a swarm of six markers", "Dead > Reckoning", "SkyNet", "dies in the line of duty". > > Okay, I made one of those up, but only one. Having read the article earlier today, I knew which one you meant, but I went back and checked just because I was hoping they'd improved it. But no SkyNet for me. Let's compare the BBC version: "Robotic bollards to take control" http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3666989.stm "bollards", "take control", "deploying", "bad barrel", "dies in the line of duty", "errant robot", and "barrels are very stupid". So I'll see your "dies in the line of duty" and raise you "bad barrel". -- K. Someone better start a really good band named "Barrels Are", Very Stupid", but if the band sucks, I'm gonna put them in the bad barrel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Robocones on the move! Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 14:25:48 -0400 Thor Larholm (usenet@jscript.dk) wrote: > > /. reports that researchers at the University of Nebraska has created > autononomous robotic traffic cones ! They move in herds led by a shepherd > cone. Uh-oh, the story's made SlashDot. That means that from there it will spread to the real media, and from there it will get onto TV, and soon every channel will be showing dancing, singing orange cones. Then next thing you know they'll be featured speaking in threatening voices in educational videogames about keeping your room clean. > BBC has a story on the ROBOT CONES (they call them robotic bollards) at > > http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3666989.stm > > with LIVE ACTION SCREENHOTS of a cone herd on its way to some nefarious act, > such as maming an innnocent roadworker - most likely inspired by the success > of the evil uber keep-left signs! Has anyone else been wondering why, if the guy is from Nebraska, this was first reported on the BBC (of which one of the "B"s stands for "British", but I'm not sure which) and in New Scientist (a British magazine)? Why is the United States always the last to know about our own science experiments gone amok? Will the rest of the world just point at us and laugh as they watch the cones sneaking up on us? Hang on, I'm receiving a communique... Uh-oh, now the story's jumped back to the BBC and they want to interview me (for Scottish radio) on the matter. I don't often agree to interviews these days, but this one sounds like fun. I'm going to try to phone in. If anyone out there is listening in Scotland, the show in question is scheduled for April 30th between 9am and 10 am GMT (which makes it 4am to 5am Friday morning my time, which may make me even more interesting than usual.) If I do have a chance to call in, and if I do get on the air, what code words should I say as a signal to you folks to let you know whether I am speaking of my own free will or have been kidnapped by the Scottish Ministry Of Cone-Oriented Morning Radio? -- K. (What swear words don't the censors know in Scotland?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Robocones on the move! Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 23:32:32 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Uh-oh, now the story's jumped back to the BBC and they want to > > interview me (for Scottish radio) on the matter. I don't often > > agree to interviews these days, but this one sounds like fun. > > I'm going to try to phone in. > > Are you serious? Make them fly you to Scotland! But I don't have brilliant red-orange hair any more. I'd look out of place with my new purple head. Also, isn't Scotland where that guy was arrested for having sex with an orange cone a year and a half ago? [The Scotsman, October 2002] -> -> A MAN rolled about on the ground having sex with a traffic cone as -> stunned youths watched in disbelief, a court heard yesterday. -> -> Ross Watt, 33, had sex with the bollard only because he couldn't -> get his hands on his favoured sex object - a pair of trainers. -> Watt had gone round teenager drivers gathered at an Edinburgh -> beauty spot asking if they would sell him their trainers. I'd prefer to go to a country that has healthier sexual perversions, like Germany. I find orange cones strangely unerotic. -- K. I hope one of my phone calling cards lets me call Scotland. The cards might restrict me to countries where they speak English, and also Canada. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: robot cones Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:20:13 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort wrote: > > > > Higgledy piggledy > > Robotic traffic cones > > Dance and they sing > > And they never are late > > There once was a man from Schenectady, > who sent all his cones to a wreck today. > > ... > > I got nuthin'. Oompa, loompa, doompa-dee-doo, I've got another riddle for you! What do you get when your cones chase the cat? YOU GET PUSHED INTO THIS CANDY BOILER, YOU DAMN BRAT!!! I got nuthin'. Only Roald Dahl knows how to make child abuse _funny_. -- K. The cones are coming, the cones are coming, the cones are coming for you! You can bet your bippity boppity boo! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupidest Nightmare Evar Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 15:24:31 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I had a dream I was stuch inside an ever-repeating grocery store > bathroom/level of hell. Each time I tried to leave via a door on the > right, things just got worse and worse and worse. So I continued going > right. Deeper into hell. > > I couldn't leave out of the original bathroom because I didn't want to > risk stepping in doggy doo. Because hell is much more preferable then > stepping in doggy doo So how did you wake up? And was it the Escher-inspired Prudential Shaw's with the weidly disjointed aisles that merge and bifurcate and tie themselves in knots while you're trying to avoid the "Beef Barely Soup" tureen? And in what sense is being trapped in a supermarket a nightmare? I'd consider it an endless source of fun and nourishment, provided I remembered to bring my can opener and something for cooking the food, like a stun gun. -- K. You never get trapped in a supermarket if you have one of those. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Robocones, again (was: CHECK THIS URL OUT) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 20:40:33 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > D00DZ DID YOU SEE THIS? CHECK IT OUT ITS ABOUT CONES (TRAFFIC CONES, > YOU KNOW?) THAT MOVE *ALL BY THEMSELVES*. > > http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3666989.stm > > YOU SHOULD ALL CHECK IT OUT. Hey, have you guys ever read a presigious science fiction magazine's slush pile? I suddenly have something I want to compare it to. Now, RELEASE THE A3 DEER! -- K. And clutch that brass bannister! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: BBC Radio Scotland show on traffic cones Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 04:25:42 -0400 Well, I just got off the phone to Scotland. A gentleman with the most debonair accent I've ever heard was standing in for the producer I'd been contacted by (she was out today), and it turned out that they had already booked someone else to comment on the terrible invasion of the robotic traffic cones, so I'm off the hook. Currently I'm trying to locate the live stream on the BBC's Web site to listen in. I think this is it: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radioscotland.shtml ...seems to be someone singing opera right now. Anyway, what I had prepared myself to comment on was: * A discussion of the three classes of cone deployment I had previously analyzed (the cone near no visible hazard whatsoever; the highly visible hazard with a cone dwarfed by it; the giant pile of cones, barricades, fences, and razor wire completely obscuring the hazard), and announcement of the discovery of a fourth class for my taxonomy -- cones used for structural purposes or other non-cone-like purposes (such as the fellow who plays drum solos in front of the IRS building on a drum kit made from plastic tubs and cones.) * Some gentle ribbing about that 2002 news story about the guy in Scotland who was arrested for having sex with an orange cone. * The obvious comment that everyone in the United Kingdom has probably already figured out, that the robotized cone-shaped robots are obviously an advertisement for the new "Doctor Who" series. I was going to go on about how this mad scientist in Nebraska has clearly built Daleks after being warped for life by "Doctor Who" reruns, and so I need to invent a big blue boxy time machine so I can travel back in time to 1963 to prevent "Doctor Who" from getting on the air, which would prevent me from ever having the idea to build a big blue boxy time machine, causing a paradox which would rip a giant hole in the fabric of space-time, destroying several galaxies and requiring immediate corrective action in the form of putting billions of orange cones around the hole to keep it from eating the rest of the Universe. The radio is now talking about rumors about Justin Timberlake. Still, its entertainment value compares favorably to BBC Scotland's TV production of the serial "Star Maidens" with Gareth Thomas escaping from a planet where the men have been enslaved by women. Also, none of these people on the radio are trying to suppress their natural Scottish accents, which are quite beautiful and it's easy for me to imagine this radio programme is a whole bunch of Alan Cummings talking to each other (if I got on the air, I might keep whispering "Fidelio!" to see if I got a reaction.) -- K. Maybe the mad scientist in Nebraska should work on inventing cones that nobody could have sex with. Making them robots would just make them sexier, especially to Hajime Sorayama! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BBC Radio Scotland show on traffic cones Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 04:42:09 -0400 BBC Radio Scotland is now talking about "the Dalek cone". "Apparently the Master Cone tells the others what to do." "Is he democratically elected?" They're playing audio clips of Daleks yelling. Now they're interviewing some guy who has a better Web site* about cones than mine, Nigel Jones. He refers to them as "alien invaders on a mission to bring the planet to a standstill." *I haven't seen it, but it's got to be better than mine, no? Mr. Jones is now discussing the Scotsman who tried to have sex with a cone. Okay, they're off the subject of cones. The cones were the topic of discussion from about thirty to thirty-five minutes into the program. However, this show (Fred McAulay) doesn't seem to be available for later listening on BBC Radio Scotland's Web site. (Many other BBC programs can be retrieved for seven days after broadcast, but obviously HM Government doesn't want anyone to hear the truth about the invasion of the robot cones.) The schedule for today's episode lists this as the highlight: -> -> The record of the most swear words in an hour of television was -> smashed this week by potty-mouthed Gordon Ramsay. Fred keeps his -> finger on the bleeper when Gordon drops by. Now I wish I'd gotten on the air so I could alternate between saying "bollards" and "bollocks" to see if he bleeped the correct ones. -- K. In the future, humans will be bleeped to death by robotic cones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This feels weird Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 13:40:33 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I've been laid off,quit jobs and had jobs run out, but never have > I been fired before. > Feels weird. Was it a good kind of fired or a bad kind of fired? The good kind of fired is right after your boss finds everything in his office covered with a mixture of ketchup and flames right before the Queen Of England call him on the videophone. The bad kind of fired is the type that involves climbing into a giant cannon pointed at a brick wall. > Now I can take that other job. > (I'm LOOKING,I'm LOOKING!) Didn't I say a day or two ago that I needed an earwax-removal slave? The pay's less than nothing, but still, work is work! > Oh,and the grey water waste treatment pump went out and it's the > _one_ thing not covered under our new home owner's warranty, > so I have to pee in the fifth wheeler instead of the house. Um. If your bodily excretions are the "gray" water, I hate to think what you'd have to do to water to call it "black" water. Isn't gray water usally sink water, versus black water being sewage? Or have you been peeing in Mr. Sink? Is it one of those sicko Dutch ones shaped like a nun's face? > So,anybody wanna commission a quilt? Can you sew me a bed to put it on first? -- K. And can you make it entirely from black leather stuffed with delicious Tempur-Pedic marshmallows? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This feels weird Date: Sat, 01 May 2004 01:31:28 -0400 [concerning those Dutch urinals shaped like lips, nuns, etc.] Quinn_Inuit (Quinn_Inuit@spam.yahoo.com) wrote: > > I went to a chamber pot exhibit at the museum of weird stuff in > Munich once. It was ok, although the ones with eyes on the bottom > really freaked me out. Well, that's as weird as any museum exhibits I've ever been to. There was that one Amnesty International sponsored on the history and instruments of torture (which I treated as a shopping list) which was weird mainly because it was in a casino so it attracted a mix of professional gamblers, professional drunks, sados, and Wiccans. Was your weird visit to the weird museum of weird chamberpots further enhanced by being in the middle of someplace weird like a casino? If so, you win and my hat is off to you, sir or madam as the case may be. If not, I merely observe that a bedpan with eyes painted on it isn't quite as weird as being able to push a button to hear Giordano Bruno scream. This is because history is weirder than a piss-pot. -- K. I don't really know what I'm saying right now, for reasons too weird to mention. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It doesn't taste like fish at all! Date: Sat, 01 May 2004 01:39:24 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > I got one of my cow orkers yesterday to utter the statement "I'd rather > have a banana than a taco" by SHEER MENTAL CONTROL. Yes, but only because she was wearing sheer mental control-top pantyhose. > I'm not sure she realized the implications. Why? Did you walk off with her taco? -- K. I wouldn't go to all that mental effort for just one taco. Usually takes about six to fill me up. Oh, and I've only tried to eat one banana in the last two decades. Neither fact is in any way interesting to you, especially because I didn't mention the secret context of my banana. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It doesn't taste like fish at all! Date: Sun, 02 May 2004 13:37:00 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Also I am very relaxed today. > > Also I can still occasionally smell the young lady from last night. Yeesh, even _I_ don't post the gynecological and/or penisological details on alt.religion.kibology the morning after parts of my body come into contact with parts of someone else's body and/or high-voltage electrical discharges. Haven't you heard of just hanging a chalkboard outside your dorm-room door like the rest of the cool guys do? It's easiest for us to keep score if everyone uses the same format, so remember, if you do a scale from one to ten, ten is the "good" end of the spectrum, it's not a Letterman countdown. If you use stars, please just go up to four stars, those dudes who assign five-star ratings are wrecking the curve for the rest of us. Oh, and you can unclip the necktie from your doorknob now. > Thanks. Don't thank _me_! If you were fantasizing about me during your night with the "young lady", I don't want to know about it, you pervert! -- K. I eat a lot of hot sauce, so you might want to imagine I taste pretty spicy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The most horrifying American torture of a guy captured in Iraq yet Date: Sun, 02 May 2004 13:08:43 -0400 [from MSNBC.com:] -> -> Hamill 'in good health' after Iraq hostage ordeal -> Wife says he sounded 'so wonderful' after escape from captors -> -> The Associated Press -> Updated: 12:11 p.m. ET May 02, 2004 -> -> MACON, Miss. - The civilian contractor who escaped Sunday after -> three weeks as a hostage in Iraq called home and sounded "so -> wonderful," his wife said as their town buzzed with excitement. -> The mayor promised "a parade that will not end." Oh, I'll bet that after the first ninety-six hours he'll be screaming, "STOP IT! PLEASE MAKE THE PARADE STOP! STOP THE PARADE! PLEASE STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST PLEASE STOP GOING AROUND THE BLOCK FOREVER, I'D RATHER GO BACK TO IRAQ THAN HEAR ANOTHER MINUTE OF THAT FUCKING SOUZA MUSIC!" Shouldn't we be spending more time torturing Iraqis and Canadians and other people from Communist countries, and less time breaking our own citizens through endless parades? If not for this guy, think of the poor drum majorettes who will have to twirl their batons until their arms are worn down to nubs. Folks, if I ever get kidnapped by Iraqis, and then if I escape, I want you people to throw me a very short parade and then leave me the hell alone. -- K. I wonder what country I'd least like to be kidnapped in? Probably Japan, because those people are _crazy_. Did you know they eat seaweed? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can it be true? Date: Sun, 02 May 2004 13:45:17 -0400 John Doherty (jdoherty@nowhere.null.not) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > a single foodstuff that tastes best when cooked in the dryer? > > If there is one, it's not bacon, I can tell you that much. That may not make it taste the best, but it sure does make your clothes taste the best. Incidentally, is there anyone else who thinks the whole separating-whites- and-colors thing is outmoded? These days, because I've been wearing so much black leather, and thus having to match my T-shirts and underpants, I have a lot of black clothes that count as underwear and therefore go in what would conventionally be the "whites" for heavy cleaning, and because of the hair dye, stuff like bath towels and pillowcases have to be in a separate load so that any dye stains won't migrate. Thus, my breakdown is like so: * Colors and black things with printing on them (warm water) * Black underwear (hot water, more detergent) * Things with dye stains (hot water, bleach) Is this wrong? If it is, then I don't want to be right. Just clean. -- K. I HATE DOING LAUNDRY. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Just in case you're not getting enough Michael Jackson news on TV Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 23:27:47 -0400 [from www.nypost.com] -> -> D.A. SEIZES JACKO JUNKO -> -> By AL GUART My swimming pool used to be filled with alguart when I didn't clean it. Oh wait, the reason I didn't clean my pool is that I didn't have one. It wasn't a pool filled with alguart, it was just a tub of yogurt. -> May 2, 2004 -- EXCLUSIVE -> -> Investigators in the Michael Jackson child-sex case swooped in on -> a New Jersey man's memorabilia collection last month, seizing six -> items as evidence. -> -> Two pairs of the self-styled King of Pop's underwear, photos and -> handwritten notes are among the items they took. -> -> Under orders from Jackson's Santa Barbara prosecutor, Tom -> Sneddon, agents removed the items about four weeks ago from a -> trove of souvenirs held at an Asbury Park warehouse by -> businessman Henry Vaccaro, The Post has learned. -> -> Included in the haul were two pairs of white Calvin Klein briefs -> believed to contain Jackson's bodily fluids that prosecutors hope -> will provide a sample of Jackson's DNA. Wait, wait, hold it, stop the news, wait, some guy collects Michael Jackson's semen-stained panties? Okay, it's official, we have now found The World's Worst Pervert. -> Forensic investigators are expected to compare the sample with -> those found on his mattress and on other items removed from his -> Neverland Ranch during a raid last Nov. 18. -> -> Probers also removed a yellow, undated, handwritten note Jackson -> allegedly wrote to youngsters visiting in his fantasy-themed -> compound in which he referred to them as "rubbers." -> -> "Dear Rubbers, I had to go. See you later. Love, M.J.," the note -> read. "P.S. Please don't sell this note on eBay to some sicko businessman who collects my dirty underpants." -> Vaccaro, an Asbury Park construction executive, said three -> investigators from the prosecutor's office of New Jersey's -> Monmouth County visited and took the underpants only hours after -> he was contacted by Sneddon's DA office in Santa Barbara, Calif. -> -> "They were interested in some things, and asked me to keep a few -> others in case they need them," Vaccaro said. Isn't it quite possible that _nobody_ is interested in some of Michael Jackson's spooge-stained dainties? -> Several days later, officers from the Santa Barbara sheriff's -> office arrived and removed several other items, including two -> photos of Jackson posing with young boys, Vaccaro said. -> -> Sneddon's probers also carted off a so-called "club kit" for his -> "rubbers." -> -> The name of one possible member turned up on a primitive -> "Rubberhead Club Portfolio" found in Vaccaro's collection. "primitive 'Rubberhead Club Portfolio'"? Sickest Gary Larson caption ever! -> The collection contained badges, membership cards and a multiple -> copies of a typewritten membership contract that laid out 14 "rules." -> -> The "rules" required members to be "idiots and act crazy at all -> times;" So is anyone in this club besides Michael Jackson? -> be vegetarians who fast on Sundays and avoid drugs; watch -> two episodes of the Three Stooges daily; know the Peter Pan story -> by heart; and when seeing another member, "give the peace sign, -> and then half of it." Can I watch three episodes of the Two Stooges instead? -> Also taken by investigators was an undated note scrawled on -> yellow paper in which Jackson urged his sister-in-law, known as -> DeDe, to read a news article on child molestation to her kids. -> -> "It brings out how even your own relatives can be molesters of -> children, or even uncles or aunts molesting nephews or nieces," -> the note said. Michael also explained that she could trust him because only black people are pedophiles. -> The pieces of potential evidence ended up in Vaccaro's hands when -> he won a collection of Jacko memorabilia in a lengthy court -> battle. "The court rules that, instead of millions of dollars, the plaintiff shall be awarded the defendant's dirty underwear." "YAY, I WON!!!!" -> He sued members of the Jackson family over a failed joint -> business venture that he says cost him $1.4 million. "I won $1,400,000 worth of underwear! That's _two_ pairs!" -> Hidden among the flashy costumes, the invitations to perform for -> Queen Elizabeth II, and sheet music for songs such as "We Are the -> World" were drawings and handwritten notes that unveil a -> talented, driven man obsessed with achievement - and young boys. "unveil"? How did the New York Post manage to hire a writer who hadn't already noticed that Michael Jackson is a pedophile? -> [...] -> -> Two tubes of a skin-bleaching agent called "Eldopaque" were also -> found. OH MY HE MIGHT BE A PEDOPHILE --AND-- HE MIGHT HAVE LIGHTENED HIS SKIN! Pardon me for a moment while I phone this reporter with a hot tip about Orson Welles being fat or dead (he'll have to pay me an extra $20 to learn he's fat _and_ dead.) -> An envelope entitled "mental program" held a signed diagram of a -> human brain in which areas were pinpointed supposedly -> corresponding with Jackson's desire to become "the greatest -> actor, singer, dancer of all time." Of _all_ time? I don't know, I heard there's a more talented pedophile coming along in 2381. -> A note written as if it were a "to do" list showed Jackson's -> lofty goals included buying a baseball team and a football team Ah, now I know why the Bad News Bears haven't been seen lately. They've locked themselves in their anti-Jacko bunker. -> and to rake in $30 million. -> -> His materialism stood in stark contrast to his Jehovah's Witness -> background, as shown in a 27-page booklet in which he quoted -> Bible lessons. -> -> "We are sinners, so we have to beat our bodies so we will not -> sin," he wrote. Yeah, but I hear you still can't get into Heaven if you're not smart enough to wash your jizz-drenched underwear before giving it to someone as part of a court settlement. -- K. Lewis Carroll was talented _despite_ being a pedophile. Michael Jackson, he's just a pedophile. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sting's sex life, which is more important than yours Date: Mon, 03 May 2004 23:39:11 -0400 [from news.com.au] -> -> I said 'frantic' sex: Sting -> -> The Sunday Times' Richard Brooks in London -> May 3, 2004 -> -> EVERYONE knows Sting practises epic bouts of tantric sex with his -> wife, Trudie Styler, because the couple have often boasted about it. -> -> But it seems there has been some mistake. What he really meant -> was "frantic" sex. In my view, you can't have one without the other. -> In an interview to be broadcast next week on the BBC, Sting -> confesses that the whole story of how he used yoga to achieve -> prolonged states of ecstasy was "a joke". Especially because everyone knows nobody does that with yoga, it's easier to use electrodes. -> Asked if he knows what tantric sex is, Sting, whose real name is -> Gordon Sumner, replies: "I haven't a clue." -> -> Lest it be thought this means he isn't as virile as he has been -> portrayed, Sting insists he has a lively sex life. "I have -> frantic sex, which is just as good as tantric sex." The myth of -> Mr and Mrs Sumner's tantric sex has been traced to a dinner party -> they attended with Irish rock stars Bob Geldof and Bono. Sting -> has previously attributed his boast to a drunken night out, but -> he supplies the details for the first time. "It was simply me and -> Geldof bitching," says Sting, whose hits include Roxanne and -> Don't Stand So Close to Me. -> -> "We were chatting and talking about having hours of sex. It then -> became really a joke that went around the world like a forest fire." Oh, so the reason why nobody talks about the time I had a four-hour "incident" is because I was _serious_. -> Geldof has given his version of events in a separate interview. -> "We did have a few drinks together," concedes the former Boomtown -> Rat, now better known for his interest in Third World issues. "I -> said to Sting, 'Why would you want it for eight hours? It must be -> so boring. She (Trudie) must have said, 'Get on with it'." -> -> According to Geldof, it was Sting who enthused about prolonged -> sex. To which Geldof replied: "Thirty seconds, that's enough, -> that'll do me." Okay, because I always confuse Bob Geldof with Bob Costas and Joe Garagiola, I'm now forced to imagine a thirty-second sportscaster three-way (with Dr. Joyce Brothers as color commentator.) Damn you, sleazy newspaper, for forcing me to think about a Geldof/Costas/Garagiola three-way. -> [...] -> -> Now well into middle age, Mr and Mrs Sumner seem finally to have -> put to bed the stories about their love-making. -> -> Quite why they allowed these urban myths to spread, and are now -> so keen to deny them, probably only a sex counsellor or -> psychotherapist would know. -> -> Geldof may have the answer: "It's like tantric shopping. You go -> out looking at the shop windows all day and buy nothing." Sure, whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into my cork-lined primal scream room for twelve hours so that I can throw a tantric tantrum! -- K. Meanwhile, George Michael and Pee-wee Herman and Eddie Murphy are having a four-way with Dr. Joyce Brothers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sting's sex life, which is more important than yours Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:24:20 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from news.com.au] > > -> > > -> EVERYONE knows Sting practises epic bouts of tantric sex with his > > -> wife, Trudie Styler, because the couple have often boasted about it. > > -> > > -> But it seems there has been some mistake. What he really meant > > -> was "frantic" sex. > > > > In my view, you can't have one without the other. > > Just like in that special version of "That's Entertainment!" where > Doris Day sang "Sex and frantic, sex and frantic, go together like > horse and tantric!" in a duet with Mr. Ed. You know, it was an outrage > when Hollywood suppressed the Day/Ed biopic of Catherine the Great. That's the second sickest movie ever to be almost released by Hollywood. The record-holder is still that lost "Star Trek" movie, where, after Kirk saw Matt Decker fly his shuttlecraft into the giant alien ice cream cone and then saw Will Decker get electrocuted by a poorly-insulated 1970s NASA probe, he found Albert Dekker in his sonic shower. Of course, Hollywood did a poor job concealing the conspiracy to conceal this movie. For instance, Albert Dekker was born on December 20, 1904 (or 1905) and was found on May 5, 1968 to have committed suicide by tying his hands and feet, gagging and handcuffing himself, hanging himself in the bathroom, and then giving himself lethal injections and writing dirty words all over his own corpse and then stealing his TV set. BUT! William Shatner performed his classic "Get a life!" rant on "Saturday Night Live" on December 20, 1986 -- the day of Dekker's birth but the year of his death with two digits reversed to conceal this important clue that it _might_ not have actually been suicide! William Shatner is wanted for questioning, and not for any other reasons. And that's why "Star Trek: The Most Complicated And Implausible Suicide Ever" never gets shown on any of the TV channels you get. Now, the third sickest movie would of course be that one Joan Crawford paid Fatty Arbuckle to make while she was running the Pepsi-Cola company. But this first instance of a Coke anti-product-placement in a film wasn't quite as sick as Doris Day and the horse or Albert Dekker and William Shatner. -- K. The fourth would be that one where Burgess Meredith got naked. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 02:48:07 -0400 [from www.ncbuy.com] -> -> 2004-05-04 - Wireless Flash Weird News -> Competitive Eaters Popping On To Film Screens -> -> NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- If a bodybuilder like Arnold -> Schwarzenegger and a wrestler like The Rock can be film stars -> then surely there's a place for a competitive eater named Crazy -> Legs Conti. -> -> He's the subject of "Crazy Legs Conti -- Zen And The Art Of -> Competitive Eating," a documentary premiering tonight (May 4) at -> the Tribeca Film Festival in New York. -> -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel all day every day there's no hockey?" -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". -> Kenneally admits the world of professional eating was hard to -> stomach at first but says filming Conti on a daily basis over a -> six-month period taught him "these men are truly athletes." Yep, the main difference between a competitive eater and Bruce Jenner is the two hundred pounds of flab. That, and also only one of them was the token non-butch guy in a Village People movie. -- K. And then after the premiere, Crazy Legs Conti will go back to his day job, cleaning up the Ground Round by eating all the popcorn kids drop on the floor. (Eww -- Ground Round!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 12:35:20 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:: > > > > -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's > > -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 > > -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn > > -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. > > I assume that the popcorn sarcophagus will be perfectly cubical, > 4' 7.699066" on a side, to make it EXACTLY 100 cubic feet, and also > in accordance with the SPOG's Cubical Popcornic Brane Theory. Tell me more about this Scientific Proof Of Gluttony and all types of Cornic Branes. Also remember that popcorn kernels do not pack together very efficiently, therefore a cube 4' 7.699066" on a side would contain less than 100 cubic feet of popcorn and more than 0 cubic feet of air. Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory by being the only person smart enough to ever notice that popcorn kernels are not usually cubes! > > Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether > > or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy > > popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if > > he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible > > Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel > > all day every day there's no hockey?" > > I vote for popcorn made of twisted up razor blades. As you bite them, > they bite you back! How about just going to the Dumpster behind a dentist's office and getting a handful of used teeth and mixing them in with all the Old Maids? Also, there should be some deep-fried Lego bricks in there too, because I like the idea of deep-fried Lego bricks. They must fry very well, because they sure don't cook right in the microwave! > > -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his > > -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least > > -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. > > I would like to complain about the scientific accuracy of this story. > What exactly is "3 feet of kernels"? Is it 3 cubic feet? 3 linear feet > by 1 kernel wide? 3 hyper-fifth-dimensional feet? If we assume that > Conti's guts measures about 1 cubic foot, it'd be pretty impressive to > see him eat 3 cubic feet of popcorn made of concrete. Remind me not to wear my "I EAT GLUE" T-shirt near you. > > And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating > > popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & > > Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". > > You bastard. Your appreciation is noted. -- K. I need to buy a DVD of "The Cat In The Hat". The terrible, tragic, gut-punchingly unfunny one that makes anyone who ever had a childhood very, very miserable. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's pr0n Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:33:16 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Recently, Albertson's introduced a new Shop 'n' Scan device, that lets > customers scan their own grocery bar codes as they shop. No discount > for doing so, either. > > Apparently, they are having to market this to customers who refuse to > use it, because they have these huge posters hanging from the ceiling > now. > > The posters show a female shopper, slightly pretty, holding one of > these devices at shoulder level, and wearing what can only be > described as "a very satisfied expression" on her face. As if she has > confused the Shop 'n' Scan device with one of those *ahem* muscle > massager *ahem* thingies. You know, the ones that don't look like > Hello Kitty. > > The poster text reads, "A new definition of fast in Texas". Still, it's nice to know that Albertson's understands that only women ever buy food. The men are all busy gassing up their cars, because no women ever drive. And the reason the happy female shopper looks so satisfied is that she knows her Shop 'n' Scan gizmo also detects any Communist sympathizers within a six-block radius and automatically summons the FBI, the CIA, the Secret Service, and CONELRAD. In an unrelated story, I'd like to know why nobody other than me has commented on the fact that my local supermarket makes their own "Beef Barely Soup". C'mon, surely someone can think of something to say about that sludge with the skin on top. -- K. I hear Dannon is trying to invent "skin on the bottom" soup. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:40:36 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > In http://smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/02/1083436476276.html > "The Telegraph" wrote: > -> > -> Relatives remember Leonid Stadnyk as the smallest boy in his class > -> at school. Then he began to shoot up, and 20 years later he has not > -> stopped growing. Standing 2.54 metres tall in his bare feet, Mr > -> Stadnyk, 33, is believed to be, by a considerable distance, the > -> world's tallest living man. The softly spoken giant, who lives in a > -> remote village in Ukraine, is a clear 17.8 centimetres taller than > -> the man now recognised as the Guinness world record holder. > -> > -> Mr Stadnyk suffers from acromegalic gigantism, a condition caused > -> by a tumour on his pituitary gland that makes it produce too much > -> growth hormone. In the past two years he has grown 30 centimetres, > -> and a suit bought in 2002 is already far too small. If his > -> condition is not treated he is likely to become the tallest man in > -> recorded history, beating Robert Pershing Wadlow, from Illinois, > -> who was 2.71 centimetres by the time he died in 1940 at the age of 22. > > Robert Wadlow was 2.71 centimetres tall? As tall as that? Why that's > WELL OVER ONE INCH TALL! HE WAS A GIANT! (Amongst ants). And people > seem to think that mistakes are only made when converting from > Imperial to SI units. Yeah, when I read this article earlier today, the first thing I did was to say to myself, "2.54 meters tall? Wow! I bet he'd be even taller in feet!" So, I got out my little bitty primitive Earth calculator and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. In other words, I have a suspicion that whoever made up this article made the guy exactly 100 inches tall before they sold this work of fiction to the Ukraine so that they could convert it to metric and pretend someone interesting lived in the Ukraine. I wouldn't mind being that tall, though. I'd certainly move to the Ukraine and live right next to Chernobyl if the radiation would help me grow another foot, whether it's the "height" kind of foot or the "toes" kind of foot. But I consulted a mad scientist and he says that for people with my body type, radiation just gives us the power to walk through walls, and that's not nearly as cool as being taller. -- K. At least I'm more than 69 times as tall as Robert Wadlow. (I saw one of his shoes in a mall in Seattle.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 00:04:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and > > behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. > > I'm trying my hardest to invent an excuse not to call the significant > digit police, but I'm still having difficulty imagining a reason to make > fun of people who think 2.54 and 39.37 are either both approximate or > both exact conversion factors (unless, of course, those people are Kibo). They are exact