From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 02:48:07 -0400 [from www.ncbuy.com] -> -> 2004-05-04 - Wireless Flash Weird News -> Competitive Eaters Popping On To Film Screens -> -> NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- If a bodybuilder like Arnold -> Schwarzenegger and a wrestler like The Rock can be film stars -> then surely there's a place for a competitive eater named Crazy -> Legs Conti. -> -> He's the subject of "Crazy Legs Conti -- Zen And The Art Of -> Competitive Eating," a documentary premiering tonight (May 4) at -> the Tribeca Film Festival in New York. -> -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel all day every day there's no hockey?" -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". -> Kenneally admits the world of professional eating was hard to -> stomach at first but says filming Conti on a daily basis over a -> six-month period taught him "these men are truly athletes." Yep, the main difference between a competitive eater and Bruce Jenner is the two hundred pounds of flab. That, and also only one of them was the token non-butch guy in a Village People movie. -- K. And then after the premiere, Crazy Legs Conti will go back to his day job, cleaning up the Ground Round by eating all the popcorn kids drop on the floor. (Eww -- Ground Round!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 12:35:20 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:: > > > > -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's > > -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 > > -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn > > -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. > > I assume that the popcorn sarcophagus will be perfectly cubical, > 4' 7.699066" on a side, to make it EXACTLY 100 cubic feet, and also > in accordance with the SPOG's Cubical Popcornic Brane Theory. Tell me more about this Scientific Proof Of Gluttony and all types of Cornic Branes. Also remember that popcorn kernels do not pack together very efficiently, therefore a cube 4' 7.699066" on a side would contain less than 100 cubic feet of popcorn and more than 0 cubic feet of air. Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory by being the only person smart enough to ever notice that popcorn kernels are not usually cubes! > > Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether > > or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy > > popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if > > he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible > > Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel > > all day every day there's no hockey?" > > I vote for popcorn made of twisted up razor blades. As you bite them, > they bite you back! How about just going to the Dumpster behind a dentist's office and getting a handful of used teeth and mixing them in with all the Old Maids? Also, there should be some deep-fried Lego bricks in there too, because I like the idea of deep-fried Lego bricks. They must fry very well, because they sure don't cook right in the microwave! > > -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his > > -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least > > -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. > > I would like to complain about the scientific accuracy of this story. > What exactly is "3 feet of kernels"? Is it 3 cubic feet? 3 linear feet > by 1 kernel wide? 3 hyper-fifth-dimensional feet? If we assume that > Conti's guts measures about 1 cubic foot, it'd be pretty impressive to > see him eat 3 cubic feet of popcorn made of concrete. Remind me not to wear my "I EAT GLUE" T-shirt near you. > > And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating > > popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & > > Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". > > You bastard. Your appreciation is noted. -- K. I need to buy a DVD of "The Cat In The Hat". The terrible, tragic, gut-punchingly unfunny one that makes anyone who ever had a childhood very, very miserable. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sting's sex life, which is more important than yours Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:24:20 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from news.com.au] > > -> > > -> EVERYONE knows Sting practises epic bouts of tantric sex with his > > -> wife, Trudie Styler, because the couple have often boasted about it. > > -> > > -> But it seems there has been some mistake. What he really meant > > -> was "frantic" sex. > > > > In my view, you can't have one without the other. > > Just like in that special version of "That's Entertainment!" where > Doris Day sang "Sex and frantic, sex and frantic, go together like > horse and tantric!" in a duet with Mr. Ed. You know, it was an outrage > when Hollywood suppressed the Day/Ed biopic of Catherine the Great. That's the second sickest movie ever to be almost released by Hollywood. The record-holder is still that lost "Star Trek" movie, where, after Kirk saw Matt Decker fly his shuttlecraft into the giant alien ice cream cone and then saw Will Decker get electrocuted by a poorly-insulated 1970s NASA probe, he found Albert Dekker in his sonic shower. Of course, Hollywood did a poor job concealing the conspiracy to conceal this movie. For instance, Albert Dekker was born on December 20, 1904 (or 1905) and was found on May 5, 1968 to have committed suicide by tying his hands and feet, gagging and handcuffing himself, hanging himself in the bathroom, and then giving himself lethal injections and writing dirty words all over his own corpse and then stealing his TV set. BUT! William Shatner performed his classic "Get a life!" rant on "Saturday Night Live" on December 20, 1986 -- the day of Dekker's birth but the year of his death with two digits reversed to conceal this important clue that it _might_ not have actually been suicide! William Shatner is wanted for questioning, and not for any other reasons. And that's why "Star Trek: The Most Complicated And Implausible Suicide Ever" never gets shown on any of the TV channels you get. Now, the third sickest movie would of course be that one Joan Crawford paid Fatty Arbuckle to make while she was running the Pepsi-Cola company. But this first instance of a Coke anti-product-placement in a film wasn't quite as sick as Doris Day and the horse or Albert Dekker and William Shatner. -- K. The fourth would be that one where Burgess Meredith got naked. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's pr0n Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:33:16 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Recently, Albertson's introduced a new Shop 'n' Scan device, that lets > customers scan their own grocery bar codes as they shop. No discount > for doing so, either. > > Apparently, they are having to market this to customers who refuse to > use it, because they have these huge posters hanging from the ceiling > now. > > The posters show a female shopper, slightly pretty, holding one of > these devices at shoulder level, and wearing what can only be > described as "a very satisfied expression" on her face. As if she has > confused the Shop 'n' Scan device with one of those *ahem* muscle > massager *ahem* thingies. You know, the ones that don't look like > Hello Kitty. > > The poster text reads, "A new definition of fast in Texas". Still, it's nice to know that Albertson's understands that only women ever buy food. The men are all busy gassing up their cars, because no women ever drive. And the reason the happy female shopper looks so satisfied is that she knows her Shop 'n' Scan gizmo also detects any Communist sympathizers within a six-block radius and automatically summons the FBI, the CIA, the Secret Service, and CONELRAD. In an unrelated story, I'd like to know why nobody other than me has commented on the fact that my local supermarket makes their own "Beef Barely Soup". C'mon, surely someone can think of something to say about that sludge with the skin on top. -- K. I hear Dannon is trying to invent "skin on the bottom" soup. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's pr0n Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:44:38 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In an unrelated story, I'd like to know why nobody other than me > > has commented on the fact that my local supermarket makes their > > own "Beef Barely Soup". > > Do they make their own "Rich and Hardly Chili" as well? I think they'd be more likely to put ice cubes in it to make chillier. I'm still going to that market more often than any other, even though there's a much closer one -- the closer one has higher prices and a smaller selection and they both are geometrically distorted (one with bizarrely bent aisles, the other in a freakish building.) But one thing's for sure -- I completely ignore the natural-food supermarket directly between the two. It almost makes me wish the stinkly little Calumet market which went out of business -- "Our Most Important Special Is YOU!" -- would come back, because at least I could understand that market. The aisles were linear and the entrance wasn't hidden. But it deserved to go away because the meat aisle smelled like rotting meat and the frozen food wasn't, even though the glass freezer doors had a sign saying to keep them closed "at all times". Why are all the supermarkets here either stinky or lumpy? -- K. And why is food so freakin' expensive? Cheerios should not be a luxury item! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:40:36 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > In http://smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/02/1083436476276.html > "The Telegraph" wrote: > -> > -> Relatives remember Leonid Stadnyk as the smallest boy in his class > -> at school. Then he began to shoot up, and 20 years later he has not > -> stopped growing. Standing 2.54 metres tall in his bare feet, Mr > -> Stadnyk, 33, is believed to be, by a considerable distance, the > -> world's tallest living man. The softly spoken giant, who lives in a > -> remote village in Ukraine, is a clear 17.8 centimetres taller than > -> the man now recognised as the Guinness world record holder. > -> > -> Mr Stadnyk suffers from acromegalic gigantism, a condition caused > -> by a tumour on his pituitary gland that makes it produce too much > -> growth hormone. In the past two years he has grown 30 centimetres, > -> and a suit bought in 2002 is already far too small. If his > -> condition is not treated he is likely to become the tallest man in > -> recorded history, beating Robert Pershing Wadlow, from Illinois, > -> who was 2.71 centimetres by the time he died in 1940 at the age of 22. > > Robert Wadlow was 2.71 centimetres tall? As tall as that? Why that's > WELL OVER ONE INCH TALL! HE WAS A GIANT! (Amongst ants). And people > seem to think that mistakes are only made when converting from > Imperial to SI units. Yeah, when I read this article earlier today, the first thing I did was to say to myself, "2.54 meters tall? Wow! I bet he'd be even taller in feet!" So, I got out my little bitty primitive Earth calculator and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. In other words, I have a suspicion that whoever made up this article made the guy exactly 100 inches tall before they sold this work of fiction to the Ukraine so that they could convert it to metric and pretend someone interesting lived in the Ukraine. I wouldn't mind being that tall, though. I'd certainly move to the Ukraine and live right next to Chernobyl if the radiation would help me grow another foot, whether it's the "height" kind of foot or the "toes" kind of foot. But I consulted a mad scientist and he says that for people with my body type, radiation just gives us the power to walk through walls, and that's not nearly as cool as being taller. -- K. At least I'm more than 69 times as tall as Robert Wadlow. (I saw one of his shoes in a mall in Seattle.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 00:04:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and > > behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. > > I'm trying my hardest to invent an excuse not to call the significant > digit police, but I'm still having difficulty imagining a reason to make > fun of people who think 2.54 and 39.37 are either both approximate or > both exact conversion factors (unless, of course, those people are Kibo). They are exact if you've ever worked in the typesetting industry. European machines typically produce exactly 2540 dots per inch, and there are 72.00000 points per inch on the computer, both of which make our lives easier than in the early days when there were 72.27 points per inch and you couldn't measure 10 inches with a 254-millimeter ruler. I'm old enough to remember the transitional era, when CompuGraphic machines measured things in decifeet to give a sort of metric flavor to English units without ever actually contaminating them with icky European units. 100 whatchamacallits equalled 120 inches. All my measurements are exact because I am very precise. You don't want to know what happens when you show up three minutes late to an appointment with me, or worse, if you show up three inches to the left of where I'm expecting you. Oh, and also? You should go see a doctor if your body temperature is not exactly 98.6 degrees, especially if it's not exactly 98.6 Celsius. -- K. You can convert Centigrade to Celsius by adding infinity then dividing by zero then going to 7734 upside down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 01:41:32 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > which make our lives easier than in the early days when there were > > 72.27 points per inch and you couldn't measure 10 inches with a > > 254-millimeter ruler. > > Yeah, those days back when pi was 3.2 were just CRAZY. At Trader Joe's, pi is always 2.99. Hey, I just found out that my computer doesn't know the titles of the tracks on my "Batman" CD. I'd think my computer should be smart enough to figure out the title of any song that has the lyrics "Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, (John Travolta dances) Batman, Batman, Batman." I don't expect it to know the slightly more difficult song ("They know the name of Batman from Frisco to Maine, fighting on the side of the law, we all rely on you man, doin' it again, when only you can even the score, Batman, Batman, king of all the heroes, we love you for sure!") Nor do I expect my lousy computer to help me convert the Bat-Disc into a zed-ray-deflecting incognitometer physiognomask. Where were we? Oh yes, Trader Joe's. Where nothing is under 2.99 or over 3.99. Twenty pounds of rancid canteloupes? 2.99! A quarter-ounce of imitation nougat? 2.99! Six tons of same? 3.99! THE TITLE IS "BATMAN", DAMMIT! "BATMAN", "BATMAN", "BATMAN"! "BATMAN"! -- K. Only a Bat-Record brings you all this, but beware of some limitations! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 23:34:03 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At least I'm more than 69 times as tall as Robert Wadlow. > > > > (I saw one of his shoes in a mall in Seattle.) > > My dad met Robert Wadlow in 1939. Wadlow was a spokesperson for some > shoe company that was based in Missouri and he was making personal > appearances for the company. Dad went to see him, and even got a little > notebook from the shoe company. He somehow managed to not get Wadlow's > autograph in that notebook. I'm sure that's what the notebook was for, > although the notebook featured a short cartoon with a cow happily being > led to her death so she could become leather for a shoe. At first the cow was worried that she'd become a seat cover for KITT, but she calmed down once they explained to her that she would be a pretty, pretty shoe. I wouldn't mind becoming leather, myself, but I don't think I want to be a shoe, or anything that might touch David Hasselhoff's butt. > Although the idea of using a very tall man as a freak to advertise for > your shoes is pretty sad. Not if it's the company that makes Elevators. > Especially since the guy died a year later. Well, hopefully they stopped using him then. > Bizarre stuff. I sold the notebook on eBay, so now everyone will > think I'm making this story up just to be cool. POST FEEDBACK OR RETRACT!!! -- K. My pervo-goth platform boots with the 4" heels are the only leather I own that I want to come in contact with the Hasselbutt. They're kicktastic! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.math Subject: Re: laser cooling Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 13:18:52 -0400 Jim Heckman (wnzrfeurpxzna@lnubb.pbz.invalid) wrote: > > Kurt stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I think - pulses associated with lasers can help with laser cooling to > > separate 235 and 238 - like I want 235 to fly around and 238 to fall - I > > use pulses of light going up to get absorbed by 235 and pulses of light > > going down that created stimulated emission of 235 - to help make 235 go > > up and keep flying around - I use pulses of light going down that will > > get absorbed by 238 and pulses of light going up to create stimulated > > emission of 238 to make 238 fall and sit on the ground > > No one cares about this stuff, Kurt. They want to hear about > kissing girl lizards with bodies of animals between their teeth. I think that to make everyone happy Kurt should talk about boy atoms and girl atoms. Boy atoms should kiss girl atoms. But boy atoms should not kiss girl atoms with the mashed-up bodies of electrons between their teeth. Also boy atoms should not kiss boy atoms unless they're gay atoms. All atoms can be split but gay atoms split differently. 238 is the gayest atomic number. Girls and other lizards like to touch my bottom with their lasers. -- K. The reason you never hear about Uranium-236 and -237 is that those isotopes are in jail for stealing cable TV. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: SEND CANDY TO GEORGE Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 19:41:46 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Many people are continually saying things like "George Bush is a > Bozo", or "HAW HAW LOOKIT THAT DUMB THING GEORGE DID!!". But how many > of those people have any ideas of their own? What would you do > differently? THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU? Well here's an > idea: SEND CANDY TO GEORGE! > > Get a nice bag of candy (NO PRETzELS!!!1!) and pop it in the mail to > George W Bush, President, White House, USA, 90210! Once George starts > getting HEAPS AND HEAPS OF CANDY in the mail, he'll start to think > "MMMMM CANDY!". If everybody does it, soon George will have ALL THE > CANDY IN THE WORLD and he won't have worry about anything any more! > > See? Now that's a PLAN! Remember to encourage your friends to SEND > GEORGE CANDY! Because if GEORGE IS HAPPY, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY! Okay, to facilitate this, I will lend a helping hand. Send me all your candy, and once I have acquired all the candy in the world, I will send it to the President, assuming he's still President and not Emperor Of Mars or something by then. Address your candy to: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 Please be sure to write the type of candy on the outside of the package to save me the trouble of opening it if it's something yucky like dark chocolate. How can you people eat that stuff? Oh, that's right, some of you only have the normal number of taste buds. Puny humans! Also, I accept pretzels. -- K. I even accept straight pretzels, though I don't accept the choice they've made. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: fun with my bank Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 20:33:57 -0400 I am a customer of Sovereign Bank New England, which has the same name and logo as Sovereign Bank Mid-Atlantic, though the two insist they have nothing to do with each other. (Mine used to be "Fleet" until Fleet bought BankBoston and had to divest some of their redundant holdings and decided they liked BankBoston's equipment better, so all the old Fleet locations became Sovereign at the same time BankBoston became new Fleet locations.) You may recall that a few years ago I had a run-in with Sovereign Mid-Atlantic where one of their cash machines swallowed my Sovereign New England card and they refused to give it back to me because they hadn't yet cut it up. Anyway, here's exciting news of Sovereign Mid-Atlantic. [from www.dailylocal.com] -> -> Bank vault won't budge -> -> By JILL NAWROCKI , Staff Writer 05/04/2004 -> -> WEST GROVE -- Patrons of Sovereign Bank can rest assured that -> their savings and valuables will remain tightly secured under -> lock and key. -> -> That's because no one -- including locksmiths and branch managers -- -> can get the 100-year-old vault door to budge. Not even Geraldo Rivera? -> According to communications manager Carl Brown, the historic -> vault at the West Grove branch office in southern Chester County -> has been tightly sealed since early last week -- leaving customers -> with the ultimate feeling of security. I can only feel secure when all my money is nowhere near any branch of Sovereign Bank. (Sadly, there are only two other large banks in Boston -- Fleet and Citizens -- and I hate both of them just as much.) -> Brown said the bank has brought in a contractor to help rectify -> the problem, one he said has inconvenienced just 10 of the local -> customers. Yeah, it's a good thing only some people might need their money. Sovereign, the bank for people who don't give a damn if they ever see their money again. -> [...] -> -> John, a customer at Sovereign bank who refused to give his last -> name, said issues with the old-fashion vault could cause real -> problems for those who store valuables in the branch's safe -> deposit boxes located inside the walk-in vault. Well, it was stupid of the bank to put the safe-deposit boxes inside their security perimeter! They should have put them on the outside of the building! Or better yet, they should just let the customers keep the safe-deposit boxes in their own homes! -> "If someone needed their passport to go out of town this weekend -> or wanted to leave the country, this could turn into an insane -> thing," he said. -> -> According to the customer, bank members keep not only money, but -> also personal items in the huge vault -- one that has been -> operating efficiently for at least 100 years. How come reporters never ask _me_ to explain the concept of a bank vault? Tune in next week to read about the reporter's attempts to learn how a telephobe works, providing Mr. Whoopee can explain it with the three-dee blackboard and almost no animation. -- K. A teaser for the Channel 56 news on my TV right now: "Children being treated with anti-depressants are getting younger and younger!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New Hair Color Day! Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 02:07:24 -0400 Okay, so my Barneyesque purple-magenta hair had faded to a sort of dark puce as blackish hair grew in under it, and the bright blue mustache was starting to get a little green around the edges as it gradually rinsed out, so tonight I bleached my hair to redo the dye. At the moment I have my typical in-between hair, blond with orange highlights (the overall effect is a sort of luminous goldenrod.) The mustache has a subtle sky blue sheen remaining. So, my currently available choices for the new dye job: * Divine Wine. This is what I just bleached out of my hair. * Blue Haired Freak. This is what was in my mustache. * Electric Lava. Brilliant fluorescent orange. * Tiger Lily. Bright orange. * Hot Lava. Haven't used it yet, it seems to be a dark orange. * Cherry Bomb. Blood red. * and the red-orange mixture of Infra Red and Tiger Lily I had used last month. I'm thinking I'd like to try blue hair, but since the color doesn't bleach out completely, and seems to fade rather fast, doing my whole head with the Blue Haired Freak might be somewhat limiting if I get tired of the blue fast (the purple was starting to wear on me a little, I'd rather go to a red or orange now.) I might have enough Electric Lava to do my whole head (maybe with the darker Hot Lava for the beard) which is an attractive option, or maybe I'll try Cherry Bomb. Currently I have to wait a few hours for my bleached hair to dry and my scalp to recover from all this abuse, so in the meantime, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. I'll make a snap decision which color to go with after I watch a bunch of TV. -- K. I better not watch "UFO". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 00:08:51 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Currently I have to wait a few hours for my bleached hair to dry > > and my scalp to recover from all this abuse, so in the meantime, > > if you have any suggestions, please let me know. > > Have you considered going GREY and claiming senior citizens discounts > at the hairdressers? Hairdressers? You think I need to _pay_ someone to touch my beautiful hair? Anyway, I just dyed my hair Electric Lava, with the beard in Hot Lava, which is very slightly darker. So now my whole head looks like radioactive slag, except for the eyes which look like lead. It's a great look. My hair is the color of the coils inside your toaster. I am so much cooler than you. And you can toast bagels by rubbing them on my head! -- K. The electric lava's got me by the brain bagel. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:12:59 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > And you can toast bagels by rubbing them on my head! > > Yes, but MAY I toast bagels by rubbing them on your head? You may... for a price. The price of... your immortal soul! Or, if you don't have one, write "immortal soul" on a three-by-five-inch piece of paper and send it to the Quizno's corporation. > I've been thinking of a few other things I'd like to toast by > rubbing them on your head, as well, but I'd like to run them by you first: > > * Frosted strawberry Pop Tarts with multicolored confetti sprinkles Permitted. > * An English muffin with a slice of chee^H^H^H^H tomato on top Acceptable, if there is no chee backspace backspace backspace backspace. Chee that has been backspaced over is still toxic. > * A frozen Eggo waffle, preferably one of those ones that's stuffed with > something or that has Mickey Mouse embossed on it Acceptable. > * One of Talysman's burritos I withhold my decision until I find out whether his idea of Mexican food includes chee. > * Two slices of low-carb bread Allowed. > * A chocolate croissant from Panera Definitely allowed, if uncontaminated by chee. There's a Japanese bakery near work that sells what it calls doughnuts, filled with beef curry. Mmmmmmmm. These are beautiful little round rolls which are then briefly deep-fried so that they have a chewy brown crust but they're still squishy inside. Close enough to be called a doughnut, and the curried beef filling just sweetens the deal. And they're geometrically perfect and unblemished and richly visually textured and just beautiful. I enjoy a good texture. > Please get back to me as soon as possible, as I'm going grocery shopping > this afternoon, and I need to make a list. Real men don't shop with a list, unless they're going to a manly store, like Home Depot or PetSmart. -- K. "Excuse me, do you have man-size lollipops? All I see are child-size and clown-size." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 00:54:29 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Or, if you don't have one, write "immortal soul" on a three-by-five-inch > > piece of paper and send it to the Quizno's corporation. > > I propose that everyone reading this newsgroup does just that, > regardless of whether they toast bagels on Kibo's head, or not. I hearily endorse this game. Quizno's, by the way, is the same as Subway, except that all their sandwiches have melted cheese on them instead of cold cheese, and also they're worth more in Scrabble. They recently opened one across the street from my office. One day last week, there was a guy dressed as a drink cup standing outside the new Quizno's for no reason that I could determine other than that it might have been cheaper than making a costume shaped like a grilled-cheese sandwich. Or maybe the store's manager just had an "Aqua Teen Hungerforce" fetish. I was tempted to grab a garden hose and fill the guy's cup-shaped costume with ice water just to get him into character. Either that or just kick him in the crotch while yelling, "Looks like you wore the wrong kind of cup today!" What is it about costumed advertising characters who are paid to stand around outside businesses pointlessly that makes all normal humans want to hurt them? And why isn't it legal? -- K. Quizno's is just like Spencer Gifts, except with more melted cheese and fewer things you're supposed to rub on your penis. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The secret code is: BC 315. Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 01:14:32 -0400 So, I order most of my CDs and DVDs from Canada to save money, because things are cheaper under Communist economies. One CD in particular just arrived today. I won't mention what soundtrack CD this is, but let's just say I was expecting the little booklet to contain at least one photo of Brian Blessed in tiny leather shorts. (It didn't. Guess the graphic designer liked Timothy Dalton better.) When I was opening the CD, I noticed this scrawled across the back of the plastic wrapper: B C 3 1 5 It was written with a white grease pencil, in angular lettering suggesting Jonny Hart's attempts at caveman-era English. My question is: Does the "BC 315" on this album have any relationship to the unfunny comic strip about Jesus-quoting cavemen living in the time Before Christ? Or does the extra-angular "BC 315" signify something even more important, such as "Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth"? -- K. And what's with that lyric about "No-one but the pure in heart may eat those Golden Grahams, oh those Golden Grahams"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This Monkey's going to Heaven! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 02:10:39 -0400 Paradigm Fert (koshsez2del33t@hotmail.nz) wrote: > > It is a well known fact that a photographer can steal part of your soul. > This is why people refer to having your photo "taken", and also why so > many people have a natural aversion to it. However, how many of you have > considered the theological implications of this? It is a virtual backdoor > to Heaven! Check out the plan: > > -Show your EVIL side. > -Someone photographs your EVIL side. > -Repeat as needed. > > By this method, the EVIL part of your soul will be chipped away, > leaving a fresh, healthy GOOD soul. Butbutbutbut whaddif I have two evil sides? And what if they're both evil in a good way? > The important thing to remember is that someone could be taking your > picture at almost any time. Therefore, try to look EVIL as much as > possible. One doesn't try to look evil. One _is_ evil, or one is just a loser. It's like trying to look cool. Trying to be cool makes you the opposite of cool. And trying to look evil just makes you Mike Myers in "The Cat In The Hat", in other words, pathetic, hideously repulsive, and more irritating than a candiru dipped in wasabi! > Everytime you co outside, get your EVIL on. Ladies, after you apply > your makeup, apply your EVIL. If you really can't do the EVIL thing > everyday, at least cover up your GOOD with a bandanna, or a gas mask, > or something that stops it leaking out. If anyone wants to get into heaven without trying, I'll duct-tape their face for free! -- K. Any religious controversy can be solved with duct tape! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orkut data leak Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:20:54 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > I agree that although the World Wide Web has become very popular, > USENET is still more bacon-y. Usenet is baconliciously bacon-blasted with bacony baconness. Bacontronic technology ensures that year after year, Usenet stays bacontastic, bacontacular, and bacontarded. In the real world, dogs don't know it's not bacon. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. On Usenet, dogs know it _is_ bacon! -- K. Still expecting to soon see bumper stickers that say "According to Orkut, I have 47 friends, losers!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Universal Studios Theme Park Florida Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:31:15 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > 1) The employees were 100 percent wonderful. All the ones I encountered > deserve raises. (The comic book shop employee -actually- knew comic book > trivia!) You mean like "Who's the biggest dork who's ever been in your comic book shop?" > 2) The food was fan-friggin'-tastic. I expected the Captain America Diner > to have fast-food quality hamburgers but I got twenty-bucks a plate quality > hamburgers. For fast food prices. And after a luxurious meal at the Captain America Diner, head on over to the Wonder Woman Whorehouse! Or didn't you get to the good parts of the park? > 3) The chairs and tables in the 'Cat In The Hat' ride could use a > scrubbing down with a wet washcloth. When you can see the dirt while > literally spinning by, something is wrong. Like there wasn't already something wrong with Mike Myers claiming to be the Cat In The Hat despite being obnoxious and unfunny and evil and looking like some creepy pervert with fake fur glued to his face? So what's the "Cat In The Hat: The Movie" ride like? Ninety minutes of Mike Myers holding you down and making you watch while he shits on everything you've ever loved? > 4) The Posedion's Adventure is so damn cool. I preferred "The Accordion Adventure", where the ship kept getting smaller. Of course "Star Wars" ripped it off for that scene where Kirk and Picard got trapped in the trash compactor with Jar-Jar and Mike Myers, but what're you gonna do? -- K. Then Jar-Jar and The Cat In The Hat got married and gave birth to the most annoying thing in the world. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Universal Studios Theme Park Florida Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 04:19:36 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then Jar-Jar and The Cat In The Hat > > got married and gave birth to the > > most annoying thing in the world. > > I met that, it was in line in front of us. So how long did it take you to realize it was never going to move because you were waiting to get into a mirror? HAW HAW! I ZINGED SOMEONE WHO HAD A GOOD TIME AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK! -- K. Today's graphic-arts challenge: Draw Dr. Seuss versions of those torture photos from Iraq where small-brained Lynndie England is standing in that weird Grinch pose while she points at genitals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new rule set for the kibo groups Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 02:57:21 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology and alt.edgar, "O Brother, Where Art |3iff?" (senile.crackhead@ccountry.net.invalid.you-silly.little-arse.star) wrote: > > there is only ONE rule: > > you may not post unless i say that you may. SHUT UP AND BRING ME THE FUCKING WHIP. > okay, you may post now... And you may cry for your mommy but she ain't coming. > -- > I think I've got the hang of it now... > :w > :q > :wq > :wq! > ^d > X > exit > X > Q > :quitbye > CtrlAltDel > ~~q > :~q > logout > save/quit > :!QUIT > ^[zz > ^[ZZ > ZZZZ > ^H > ^@ > ^L > ^[c > ^# > ^E > ^X > ^I > ^T > ? > help > helpquit > ^D > ^d > ^C > ^c > helpexit > ?Quit > ?q > ^Kx > /QY > sync > ;halt Your shameful attempt at trollery is ruined by the way you repeated "X", wasting my time which is so much infinitely more valuable than yours. Also, you did not even come close to guessing the day's safeword. The duck ain't coming down for you. Do you know what a "steamroller wedgie" is? -- K. PUNY BUG, YOU GO SQUISH NOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new rule set for the kibo groups Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:17:07 -0400 [Why do people keep trying to turn everything into "Dungeons & Dragons" references? Isn't that game just for nerds who are smarter than us?] Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > SHUT UP AND BRING ME THE FUCKING WHIP. > > Kibo has been reading the Book of Vile Darkness!!1! Run away!!11 Um, yeah, "reading" it, that's all I've been doing. And just "playing" "Dungeons & Dragons". And finding "treasure". In leather "armor". I have a blessed +50,000 cattle prod. I WIN. > Hong "insert nipple clamps --> HERE <--" Ooi "Insert"? You want them used internally? On the back sides of the nipples? (Don't worry too much about your answer, since it won't make any difference in what happens next.) -- K. Short shameful confession: I had to look up "The Book Of Vile Darkness" on Amazon.com to learn that maybe there actually are references to Satanism in "Dungeons & Dragons", at least in the expansion rules. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go check the price of "The Science Of Harry Potter." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 00:57:00 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish Popeye would die already. > > Have I mentioned the CA Popeye sighting? He's apparently been > the spokesmutant for some sort of womenandchildren shelter that > you can support by using anti-coupons at the grocery store checkout. > Anyway, he's saying "Help keep Bay Area families strong to the > finish!", which is at least a LITTLE bit odd sounding, I mean, they > want us to be thinking about the finish? Anyway, there's also something > odd about the way he looks (other than that he's a freakish-looking > steroid-abusing sailor), and it took me a while to realize that he > DOESN'T HAVE HIS PIPE! Because, I suppose, the pipe which he nearly > never smoked out of sends the wrong message to kids, which is "Hey, > kids, if you had a pipe you could open cans of spinach with it!". Didn't you hear? A year or two ago he quit spinach and switched to drinking orange juice and he claims the orange juice is what made him turn gay, not his randy three-way romp with Bluto and Brutus. And because Popeye's gay, he doesn't smoke a corncob pipe, he just carries a little blowtorch in his pocket in case he needs to make creme brulee in an emergency for an equator-crossing party. I know Popeye's gay, 'cause Yosemite Sam said so -- he can tell from the taste. -- K. Also, there's something between the Pink Panther and the Great Grape Ape. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Anyone seen my glove? Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 01:16:49 -0400 Hey! I lost one of my favorite two leather gloves at the Museum Of Science today, sometime after I fondled the plasma ball but before I walked past the gift shop to avoid buying the book "The Science Of Harry Potter". So if anyone sees a black leather glove lying around, please send it to me because if I were to wear just one glove, I would look like a weirdo who is Michael Jackson, and I don't have any other good black leather gloves to wear, as the two pairs I ordered with the lead weights sewn into the knuckles haven't arrived yet. You don't even have to send me my glove, just send me a leather glove that fits my extra-large hand and matches the other one exactly and since I don't remember whether I lost the left one or the right one, please send me one of each. Send gloves here: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 ...you know, the same place you sent all the candy in the world before I started killing, in alphabetical order, everyone who didn't send me their candy. (People whose names start with "B", I better get your candy by Monday.) -- K. Oh, also, I want a planetarium projector and six infinitely long strips of bacon, one of them rolled into a Moebius strip. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: All hail our future weblog/Social Software overlords! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:34:04 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [concerning certain Web sites] > > Also, there are some people who have really, really interesting things > to say, but unfortunately they have to go elsewhere to say them. That's > just my theory, which may be as cursed as the theory I have about > Michael Jackson's underwear. Stacia, "theory" and "screensaver" aren't the same thing. Now to say something interesting here. Oh, um... Hmm. (jams hand into armpit to make unrealistic fart noises) Aw, shucks. Isn't it interesting how you can't think of anything interesting to say when you want to be interesting but your brain is all filled with reruns of episodes of "Quark" where Ficus says "Now we wait for the bee!" and you're glad you paid extra to get a Sony DVD player that _can't_ play Video CDs of those episodes of that terrible, tragic show? Also, why isn't the government investigating my allegations of abuse at Ringling Brothers? I hear those clowns frequently humiliate each other by throwing pies at human faces, and sometimes even brutally spraying each other with unheated seltzer! Wait, that wasn't interesting, just politically incorrect in a mild, predictable contrarian way in a failed attempt to be provocative due to a misunderstanding that provocativeness is automatically interesting when it isn't even as interesting as overanalyzing the reasons why it isn't interesting. But maybe politics does provide a model to study the rare phenomenon of interestingness: We could draw a Nolan Graph where home plate is "interesting", the pitcher's mound is "uninteresting", second base is "disinteresting", first base is "filler", and third base is "go directly to jail". (Michael Jackson's underwear is touching third base.) -- K. I apologize for failing to be undisinteresting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's wedgie time! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:48:20 -0400 Two brief news items: * The first person to read this gets a wedgie. * The last person to read this gets to give me a wedgie. This is not a pyramid scam. It actually works! Especially since I'll be sure this article gets into various archives so that people will still be reading it long after I'm too dead to care about wedgies. I like typing the word "wedgie". It has a funny "dg" in it like "fudge" and "budgetel" and "gunge" if you spell "gunge" only slightly wrong. Otherwise, I don't know why I'm posting this besides the opportunity to type "dg" sounds and give someone a massive wedgie that goes beyond atomic wedgies into the realm of superstring wedgies. Also, I'm safe because my logic is 100% wedgie-proof. -- K. So who's the lucky first reader? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 06:31:21 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Two brief news items: > > > > * The first person to read this gets a wedgie. > > > > * The last person to read this gets to give me a wedgie. > > 'BRIEF'! I GET IT! Hooray! Zixia gets it! And it's definitely going to be beyond atomic! Maybe even beyond a quantum wedgie into the realm of wedgies even Einstein never imagined! > > So who's the lucky first reader? > > Do you promise to goose me when you perform the wedgie? You're ruining it for me by enjoying this. Are you suffering from wedgiemania because you're Jon Lovitz? If so, you should get Alan Zweibel to write more half-hour specials for you like the one about the baseball player whose head injury makes it difficult for him to slide into home head-first. -- K. As yet, there are no reports of American soldiers giving Iraqi prisoners wedgies. However, I understand that on next week's "Star Trek: Enterprise", Scott Bakula faces the moral dilemma of whether to save his ship by giving a Reptilian Xindi an antimatter wedgie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:05:21 -0400 Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hooray! Zixia gets it! And it's definitely going to be beyond atomic! > > Maybe even beyond a quantum wedgie into the realm of wedgies even > > Einstein never imagined! > > A quantum wedgie can only occur when there are two slits for the > underwear to pass through, which is certainly not a mental image I need... But the Many-Wedgies Interpretation says that for every moment when you're _not_ getting a massive quantum wedgie that stretches the fabric of space-time over your head, an alternative Universe is automagically created where you are not only receiving a massive quantum wedgie, you're enjoying it and also all clocks run backwards so every night you have to glue a packet of beard stubble all over your face so it can be absorbed into your body and if you don't do that then nothing will get absorbed into your face, making the backwards Universe logically inconsistent. Of course, for every moment when you _are_ getting a wedgie like that, not only does this create a parallel Universe where you're getting candy and balloons and no wedgie, but the wedgie itself makes you hallucinate that all this makes sense, and then you win an Imaginary Nobel Prize which lasts until the wedgie ends. -- K. It's too bad Douglas Adams is dead enough that I can't ghostwrite for him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 00:50:01 -0400 Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, for every moment when you _are_ getting a wedgie like that, > > not only does this create a parallel Universe where you're getting > > candy and balloons and no wedgie, but the wedgie itself makes you > > hallucinate that all this makes sense, and then you win an Imaginary > > Nobel Prize which lasts until the wedgie ends. > > And for some strange reason, this alternate universe is completely > white except for 3 colored lines and the words "it of the loo" visible > at all times. Then, Sean Connery dresses up as purple grapes and Richard Simmons dressed up as green grapes and they hop out of Harvey Korman's underpants and start chanting "THE PEN IS GOOD! THE SWORD IS EVIL!" because in this alternate Universe, the pen isn't mightier than the sword, which is why civilization was destroyed during the war of the sexes when then men tried to defend themselves with old-timey squirty fountain pens while the women chopped them up with swords. Then after that there was just mud-wrestling, stock footage of daphnia, and sweating to the oldies. It was the third worst Sean Connery movie ever! -- K. Then Neil Connery comes in and wrestles Frank Stallone and Clint Howard, but then they all rip off their masks to reveal that they're all really Michael Kaufman. (Happy 20th anniversary, Andy! See you on the 16th. I'll bring the fudge and duct tape.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:36:45 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > The more I think about it, the more interesting the whole idea of > someone being nice in ark becomes. It isn't easy to google for[1], > and I'd rather suffer Kibo's tortures than read all the archives > for the years I've missed, but the odds are it hasn't been tried > here before. JOT! New Improved Double-Locking Kontext-Away shall remember the middle part of the second sentence for future use. Kontext-Away stuffs the concept of you preferring an evening of wacky torture in its wallet so as not to lose it, then returns to its protective eggcrate-foam-padded carrying case that disguises it as something harmless like a power drill. > [1] It's technically shameful that google doesn't yet implement > searching for abstract qualities on writing. I know, they haven't even implemented my crude little system of sorting articles based on the IQ of the author as determined from certain statistical tests. By the way, I apologize for not replying to you sooner. -- K. And I _am_ being nice! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:02:32 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, I apologize for not replying to you sooner. > > That's OK, I know that keeping Seth clean, dusted and properly polished > takes a lot of your time these days. That reminds me, time to polish him -- he needs to go for another ride in the rock tumbler. > > And I _am_ being nice! > > Which would explain why this post is far shorter than your average > minor essay! I tailor the simplicity of my responses to the simplicity of my audience. -- K. "Minor"? Someone's cruisin' for a staplin'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:52:40 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Subject: Your university diploma Entropy, hole puncher tea parties "Waah!" screamed Einstein as his university diploma began to glow red for no reason, then inevitably burst into flame. "Entropy has caused me to lose the proof that I am smart! Now I'm just an ordinary everyday dropout like Chris Rock and Bill Gates!" He cried and cried, so to calm him down, his collection of Beanie Babies threw him a tea party. But they didn't have any pretend tea, so they substituted real hole punchers. "Ow!" screamed Einstein as he tried to drink a hole puncher and it made a little circle through his lip. He bled all over his Beanie Babies, lowering their resale value from pointless to worthless. THE END. -- K. I went to the Einstein exhibit at the Museum Of Science yesterday, and now I knew everything he did! Now I'm an expert at revatility, and at concealing the existence of illegitimate daughters! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: 7 signs of a bad daycare Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 16:36:09 -0400 I saw this msn.com headline in the corner of an otherwise unrelated window, attempting to get me to read an important piece of consumer education: -> -> 7 signs of a bad daycare ...but it would have taken too much effort to click on the link, so instead I just wrote the entire article. THE ONLY SEVEN SIGNS OF A BAD DAYCARE ------------------------------------- 1.) The children are covered with semi-fossilized coprolites, fewmets, and coelacanth doots. 2.) Building has been on fire longer than a day without anyone noticing. 3.) The decor is dominated by giant revolving holograms of Michael Jackson's head. 4.) The daycare center is located inside a nuclear reactor's core. 5.) The head caregiver has prosthetic arms with ten constantly-spinning drill bits instead of fingers. 6.) The kids' names are misspelled on their dog food bowls. 7.) They inform you that if, for any reason, you are not satisfied, you will receive 50% of your child back. IF YOUR DAY CARE CENTER HAS SIX OR MORE OF THESE PROBLEMS, IT MIGHT BE BAD. MICROSOFT BRAND DAYCARE IS GUARANTEED TO HAVE ONLY FIVE OF THESE PROBLEMS. CLICK HERE TO MAIL THIS ARTICLE. CLICK HERE TO MAIL YOUR TODDLER TO US. I probably could've thunk up another three to fifty items for the list, but msn.com's target audience doesn't have the attention span for being told to look for more than seven types of infernos, molesters, or scams, so I stopped after the one about how it's not always good to have your children torn in half. -- K. #8 would have been something about an unsupervised swimming pool filled with a mixture of Drano and Ebola. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 7 signs of a bad daycare Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 20:09:31 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE ONLY SEVEN SIGNS OF A BAD DAYCARE > > ------------------------------------- > > > > 1.) [...] > > > > 2.) [...] > > > > 3.) [...] > > > > 4.) [...] > > > > 5.) [...] > > > > 6.) [...] > > > > 7.) [...] > > wot? no Jar-Jar? Not even an Ewok or even Muffet. However, I think Mike Myers as the Cat In The Hat might have been made into one of the shag carpets at one of the more mediocre day-care centers. > (a second-hand shop here has a six-foot Jar-Jar that they're *never* > gonna shift while they're asking for a coupla hundred for it. I try > to avoid going there, just in case I step within 40m of it and get > infected with Jar-Jar cooties.) Jar-Jar cooties can jump further than that. I know. I once stood amid twelve trash cans directly between Jar-Jar and Anson "Potsie" Williams and the Jar-Jar cooties jumped all the way over my head to land on Potsie, where they died. Then the Potsie cooties jumped over both me and Jar-Jar to land on the button that activated Lazlo, The Death Robot, who opened a day-care center. He named it "Emotionless Expanse, A Facility For The Restraint Of Human Offspring." Then he got rich and bought himself a gun which, no matter which direction it was pointed, always shot Jar-Jar. It was the best birthday ever! What color was the bear whose birthday it was? -- K. And how did he dance? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:13:44 -0400 "leo sgouros" (hpappas@comcast.net) wrote: > > Someone named George Love wants to send me a screwbean connector. > I already have plenty of those, so if anyone needs any ignore > George Love and come to me for the best deals on screwbean connectors. Bitter gourd plants make an even more efficient connector for wires and cables. I killed mine something like five years ago and I'm still trying to untangle the mess it made of the electronics in that corner of my apartment. I gotta admit, screwbean mesquite trees really do product the screwiest beanpods I've ever seen. But back to the subject, I think "Screwbean Connector" would be a good title for Interrobang Cartel's next double album, especially if Ray Bradbury sings on any of the tracks. Also there should be at least one photo of Brian Blessed in the booklet. -- K. I want pizza. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:48:33 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I want pizza. > > > > You may not have any pizza. Pizza is for the cheese, and you refuse > > to eat the cheese. You are a strange and bad man. > > Soak pizza base in hot sauce. Cover in lightly fried bacon until > pizza base can no longer be found. Add more hot sauce on top. YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! EVEN THOUGH YOU LEFT OUT THE WHITE CASTLE PATTIES! > Leave in oven for 5 minutes or until hunger will no longer be denied. Actually, I usually overcook everything by 30 to 90 minutes because the Internet and TV and books exist. It's a good thing I like my meat crunchy. > > (A double or triple cheese girl, her ownseff.) > > Oh yeah, baby! Take the cheese! Take it all! Darla can take my cheese away any time! In fact, I might let her take much more than that! -- K. I AM GOING OUT TO BUY PIZZA SHELLS RIGHT NNNNNOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 22:40:35 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > [...] hot sauce [...] fried bacon [...] more hot sauce [...] > > > > YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! > > You're doing it again, Kibo. You're liking people who are really just > not at all likeable, even those why try to be Not Liked In All CAPS, > because you are too nice. It pisses me the fuck off when you are nice. > Stop being nice. If you want anyone to really be afraid of you, you > can't just look mean. You must BE mean. But, Stacia, I didn't say I liked him. I used the word "love". And my kind of love isn't "nice". Are you honestly saying that if I said "I love you," you wouldn't run away screaming? > Didn't "Mr Roger's Neighborhood" teach you anything? Yes. It taught me that seemingly innocent neighborhood trolleys are secretly controlled by Michael Keaton. And if Michael Keaton put on a black rubber suit and said "I love you," you better believe I'd run away screaming. -- K. They never aired the episode where Mr. Rogers invited me on the show, and, instead of riding the Keaton-controlled trolley, I just arrived by walking across the miniature landscape, crushing hundreds of innocent toy houses. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 00:40:15 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you honestly saying that if I said "I love you," you wouldn't > > run away screaming? > > I. AM. SO. TORN. Oops! Sorry. I've never inserted one of these before. Note to self, next time, the small end goes in first. > If I answer honestly, the other kids will tease me on the playground. > If I try to be funny, I'll hurt someone's feelings, because my humor is > a dull single-edged sword of cynicism. > > Sigh. Why don't you just lie? I do it all the time. In fact, at this very moment, I am lying! > So I'm just going to go eat a Pop-Tart and pretend I didn't hear > anything, mmmkay? Mmmkay. What flavor of Pop-Tart? This is very important. -- K. Don't just eat the Pop-Tart, take a magical journey through a cardboard mountain smeared with grainy jam and drizzled with Elmer's brand frosting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 20:20:47 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > I want pizza. > > > > > > > > You may not have any pizza. Pizza is for the cheese [...] > > > > > > Soak pizza base in hot sauce. Cover in lightly fried bacon until > > > pizza base can no longer be found. Add more hot sauce on top. > > > > YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! > > Well, of course. So it looked like it was going to rain so I didn't want to go very far in my leathers and thus instead of going to the Prudential Shaw's (which has fresh pizza dough and pizza shells) I had to go to the local Stop & Shop which only had canned pizza dough. You know, the stuff that tastes like a pretzel with athlete's foot and can only be unrolled into a tiny pizza the shape of the continental United States. I covered it with hot sauce as best as I could -- I had a large twelve- ounce bottle that was only about 3/8 full, which wasn't adequate to cover the crust, so I added a few ounces of tomato sauce. Then I covered the thing with an entire package of bacon. I had also bought some ham and some White Castles but the bacon seemed to be enough, especially on the little canned pizza shaped like it was about to yell, "Hey, Europe, eat my Florida!" Well, the crust tasted soggy and like canned chemicals, and t'weren't nearly enough hot sauce on it, so I only ate half the pizza, though of course I did eat all the bacon off the other half. Bacon that's been roasted in hot sauce is goooooooood. > > EVEN THOUGH YOU LEFT OUT THE WHITE CASTLE PATTIES! > > If we put slices of Spam in with the bacon it would even get us back > ON TOPIC! Spam is like ham except with the texture of leather and the flavor of Play-Doh, only with more salt and kerosene. > > I AM GOING OUT TO BUY PIZZA SHELLS RIGHT NNNNNOW! > > Report awaited. I just remembered I left some popcorn chicken in the oven. Gotta go. -- K. P.S. Eat my Wyoming. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:30:50 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want pizza. > > You may not have any pizza. I am going to have pizza because I want to and you're not the boss of me. > Pizza is for the cheese, and you refuse to eat the cheese. I refuse to eat the cheese because I can't eat cheese and because it's hard to eat the nonexistent cheese that isn't on my pizzas. Surely the rules don't require me to eat what I can't because it isn't. > You are a strange and bad man. Yes, I am being very bad, and there's nothing you can do about it. > -=D=- > (A double or triple cheese girl, her ownseff.) Weirdo. -- K. Also, I like my pizzas to have extra Noid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If this had happened to me, I'd be typing this while dead. Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 21:56:17 -0400 [from the Montreal Gazette via www.canada.com] -> -> Bag contained explosive surprise -> -> May 9, 2004 -> -> A routine safety test at the Pierre Elliott Trudeau airport went -> monumentally wrong after an airport employee placed explosives in -> a passenger's luggage, but failed to remove them before he left -> the airport. -> -> In an effort to test sniffer dogs at the airport Friday, an -> employees slipped TNT, hidden in a jar of jam, into a passenger's -> luggage, instead of other baggage normally used during tests. -> -> Before the package could be removed, the passenger, who arrived -> on an international flight, picked up his luggage, passed through -> customs and security checks, and left. Given that whenever I arrive in Canada, I'm given the Level 1 customs/security check, followed by the Level 2 security/immigration check, followed by the Level 3 search/interrogation check, followed by the Level 4 having-a-bag-put-over-the-head/beaten-with-truncheons check, I'm happy that the evil Canadian government never thought to plant a jelly jar of gelignite in my luggage. If this had happened to me, I predict that I would have been dissected on the spot to look for microdots containing evidence that I wasn't really an Ottawa Senators fan. -> It was only when he arrived at a friend's house in Magog that he -> discovered the package, labelled "dynamite," and called police, -> who contacted the bomb squad. Because it lacked a detonator, the -> TNT was harmless. -> -> It appears the dog handler mixed up the luggage, airport -> officials said. As long as we always lose the terrorists' luggage, everything will be okay. -> They couldn't explain how the passenger passed through customs -> and security without being detected. An investigation is planned. -> -> Since the World Trade Centre attacks, the federal government has -> spent more than $7 billion to upgrade national security. Given how bad the Canadian federales were to be _before_ September 2001, I hate to think what size anal probe they're going to give me on my next visit. -- K. Also, I need to remember to stop carrying jam around with me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Politics) What I Don't Understand Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 02:50:35 -0400 [on the shocking revelation that during wars, prisoners get mistreated] Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [...] Also there has been some trouble with people > trying to take pictures of other soldiers in the shower. Yeah, those newfangled digital cameras keep shorting out unless you get a waterproof military model designed specifically for photographing grunts showering. Ask for Sony's new ShowerShot with the CrotchGrabber lens. > It's just like M*A*S*H but 1000 times less wacky! It's like B*D*S*M but 1500 times less wacky! -- K. Torture technology has advanced considerably since the Korean War, except it's still hard to find a really comfortable set of testicle electrodes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Recipe of the week: Clay-Doh Cookies, with a twist of pica Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 03:21:14 -0400 [from www.nytimes.com] -> -> May 5, 2004 -> -> Deepening Poverty Breeds Desperation in Haiti -> By LYDIA POLGREEN -> -> PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti, May 4 - The pile of garbage behind the spot -> where Marie Joseph sells tins of tomato paste started out small, -> the usual primordial goo that coats this grimy capital's streets, -> binding a putrid melange. And by going to Famous Writers School (via matchbook cover) you, too, can learn to write like the New York Times! -> But in the two months since President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, -> Haiti's first democratically elected leader, was forced from -> power by an armed rebellion, the pile has swelled like a -> rapacious tumor. I'm not sure if it counts as a mixed metaphor because I don't know whether or not tumors normally go around raping people. But if they do, we'll have to revise one of the world's lamest jokes: "TUMOR! TUMOR!" "Don't you mean 'RAPE!'?" "No, there was a BUNCH of them!" -> [...] -> -> Skeptical Haitians view the unelected government and its foreign -> backers with a suspicion as brittle as the clay biscuits they now eat. Okay, that was the sentence that made this article worth reading. It seems like this sentence should have been the entire article. Here is how that article should have been written according to every journalism class I ever took: HAITI SO FUCKED THEY'RE EATING DIRT NEW YORK TIMES - MAY 5, 2004 Haiti is so fucked that they're eating dirt. They are eating dirt because their country is so fucked. Dirt is found in most poor countries. --30-- The article in question is accompanied by a photo of a woman with a bucket of light gray clay, smearing it in circular patches on a sidewalk for the sun to dry the clay into delicious tasty cement cookies. The caption even gives us the recipe: -> A woman in Fort Dimanche laying out biscuits to dry, biscuits made -> of butter, salt, water and dirt. The Haitians face shortages of food -> and electricity. I will assume that before being reduced to eating clay, the people of Haiti first buttered and ate all the grass in the country, then they buttered and ate all the shoes in the country, and now there's nothing left to eat but hot buttered clay. Oh, and the cows that are producing the butter. But they can't slaughter them because then they'd have no butter to put on their yummy hardened-clay tarts. I like that as she's smearing out the little puddles of clay pies to dry in the sun, there's a dropcloth under them, in order to keep the dirt patties from getting dirty. The next step is to see what happens when they run out of clay. I guess the difference between me and Haitians is that I'd turn to cannibalism _before_ eating all the dirt in the country. -- K. I feel sorry for these people, but on the other hand, if they were smarter they'd just use their proprietary "voodoo" brand magic to turn the dirt into delicious TV dinners. We should send those people some old Mandrake The Magician comic strips to save them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hair reaction! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:17:43 -0400 Day before yesterday, a girl (as in teenager) thought my fluorescent orange hair was so cool she asked her friend to take a photo of her standing next to my hair. I found this to be an odd teen scrapbook moment, but I was flattered. Then later in the day I got a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" from some drunk guys. I've decided the orange is the best color for me so far, and the brighter the better. I still have blood red and blue on my to-do list. -- K. And NO GREEN. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hair reaction! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 14:05:58 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then later in the day I got a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" from some > > drunk guys. > > Did you zip up? And were you mistaken for a rapper? I may have mentioned this before, but my underwear is like northern Iraq -- a no-fly zone -- so, hypothetically speaking, it would be hard for me to expose myself to drunks at the drop of a hat because I'd have to undo the belt and take the pants and underpants down, and I wouldn't enjoy that because it would expose more skin than leather. When wearing tight leather pants, it's important to wear comfortable underwear without any weird sort of Y-shaped seams mashing down on your crotch. As some guy who looks like an ugly Peter Davison said, tight leather pants are like a cheap hotel -- no ballroom. (I am not a "no-underwear" guy.) > > -- K. > > > > And NO GREEN. > > NO GREEN IS NO PEOPLE! Please tell me that this "Soylent Green" parody isn't going to dovetail with a "Godfather" parody and turn into an SCTV episode where a guy named No Green gets gunned down during "Dialing For Filler". Also, I still don't understand why Charlton Heston was more upset that there was people meat in his Solyent Green squares than he was that there were ground-up plastic body bags in them. I mean, plastic doesn't taste good. -- K. I think Mr. Heston was most horrified to find that there were _black_ people in his food. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: This Day So Far Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:57 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > There was a time when all men over 21 years old wore hats and removed > > 'em when ladies entered into an elevator. > > "When entering a building", I believe you mean. Sheesh, kids these days. I typically put my hat on when entering a building, to better impress the desk-sitter with my "I'm gonna blow by you and not sign your stupid logbook, dammit!" attitude. I play nice, if they yell at me to come back and sign the logbook, I'll do so, but normally if you act like you know what you're doing and don't expect anyone to even try to stop you, then they won't even try to stop you. Most buildings' security only works on people who want it to work on them. And putting on the hat in question makes me _not_ submissive. -- K. A lot of actors think that the shoes play an important role in defining the personality you project, but I think the hat has at least as much to do with it. The pecking order is this: Hat, boots, pants, jacket, brain, t-shirt. (I have not yet found a way to make a t-shirt override the rest of the look. In other words, you can't put a nerd in an edgy t-shirt without simply making the t-shirt nerdy.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 01:22:54 -0400 [from www.PlanetOut.com] -> -> Gay asylum-seeker rejected as too butch -> -> Ben Townley, Gay.com U.K. -> Wednesday, May 5, 2004 / 05:31 PM Hmm. This means too things: 1.) Someone in Canada is clueless if they think it's even possible to be "too butch". 2.) I obviously ain't gonna be getting asylum in Canada because I own too many Ottawa Senators hockey jerseys. I guess if I ever want to be granted asylum, I'll have to start liking ringuette. -> A gay Mexican man plans to appeal for the second time a decision -> made by Canada's immigration body that claimed he could not be -> granted asylum because he was not "visibly effeminate." To a blind immigration officer, everyone's het! -> Fernando Enrique Rivera, 30, was originally rejected by the -> country's Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) in 2002. It said -> that because he didn't appear gay, he would be under no danger in -> Mexico, despite his claims that he faced blackmail from his -> employers within the police force. I'd love to see the evaluation criteria that Canada uses to determine who looks gay. How would they deal with, let's say, Rock Hudson, the Brady dad, and the second Darrin? More to the point, would they have granted Roddy McDowell asylum against his will? -> It added that he should move from his home in Puerto Vallarta to -> Mexico City, in the hope that his sexuality will be accepted more -> there. Isn't that like saying, "Because you're gay, you should move from Fire Island to Baltimore"? -> "Effeminate gestures come naturally and unconsciously. If he were -> indeed visibly effeminate ... he would have been (un)able to -> easily land a job with the 'macho' police force of Puerto -> Vallarta," the IRB concluded. It then proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that there have never been any gay police officers anywhere, ever. -> Rivera had hoped the decision would be overturned in a court, but -> he had no luck in April, when a federal court agreed with the -> decision. He must now wait for a final appeal on humanitarian -> grounds, the country's Globe and Mail newspaper reports. Hey, it's not the country's newspaper, it's just Toronto's. The whole country shouldn't be given the responsibility for what the people in Toronto do (especially Tie Domi) even though it is their capital. I heard that because gay marriages are now legal in Toronto, Tie Domi secretly married Darth Vader to become... oh, never mind, I got nuthin'. -> The newspaper claims that the IRB only offers asylum to -> HIV-positive men, political activists and whistle blowers from -> Mexico. When it comes to gay men, it only considers overtly -> feminine men, who they say would face immediate danger in the -> country. And thus, Bert & Ernie had to say a tearful goodbye as they were forever separated at the Canadian border. -> But Rivera says this system is flawed, as it fails to take into -> account those forced into living in the closet. He says his job in -> the area's police force would be questioned if he came out, and -> people who knew his sexuality were capable of blackmailing him. -> -> "You don't choose to be gay. It's not like being a vegetarian. -> It's a very complex thing," he said in an interview with the -> newspaper. More fun, too. Being a vegetarian is more like wearing a chastity belt. A _hetero_ chastity belt. -> "I can't go back to Mexico to lead a life of deception. I want to -> be in a society that accepts me the way I am." -> -> Additionally, he says the system leads to some gay men attempting -> to be seen as effeminate, so as to ensure they are accepted as -> refugees. -> -> "I know some gay refugees who put on lipstick and dressed -> effeminately for their hearings because they thought it would help -> their case. But that is not who I am," he said. Good for him. No freakin' way would I put on lipstick just to get into a some tiny country that can't even decide whether it speaks English or Metric. -> He is now waiting to see if his final appeal is accepted. If it is -> not, he is likely to be deported in the coming months. -> -> The issue of gay refugees has been raised regularly in recent -> months. In Japan, a gay Iranian was rejected despite being -> officially recognized by the United Nations as an asylum seeker, -> after the country's immigration body ruled that persecution based -> on sexuality was "not enough." I would love to get a certificate from the United Nations recognizing that I am butch enough to go on the "Rescue Heroes" ride at Six Flags. -- K. If Canada ever catches fire, Billy Blazes won't be allowed to go put it out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 03:28:35 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) quoted: > > > > -> Fernando Enrique Rivera, 30, was originally rejected by the > > -> country's Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) in 2002. It said > > -> that because he didn't appear gay, he would be under no danger in > > -> Mexico, despite his claims that he faced blackmail from his > > -> employers within the police force. > > this makes no sense whatsoever. > > I mean, wouldn't he be harder to blackmail if he were visibly > effeminate? just suppose Don Miguel Disastro Y Malo, the chief > mexican blackmailer, were to send a blackmail letter via burro > saying something like "Sr. (or should I say *Sra.*, HINT HINT) > I know your most darkest of secrets. Pay me muchos pesos before > Cinco de Mayo and I shall flee the country on the next cruise > ship. If you do not, I shall tell all the hombres on the police > force. Adios." > > and then Rivera would reply "Don Miguel, you sexy thang! you > can tell anyone you want, sweetcheeks! KISS KISS!" and Don Miguel > would be like "the HELL?!?" and he'd go to Barnabas Milleriguez, > the captain of the force, and say "Sr. Capitan, one of your most > trusted hombres, Sr. Rivera, is a bit fiery in the underpants, > if you know what I mean." > > Capitan Barnabas would say "El DUH!" and then he'd tell Wojo to > toss Don Miguel out the front door and onto a pile of chickens, > and Don Miguel would twirl his moustachios diabolically and say > "Caramba! I am foiled again! Begorrah!" I think you left out one or two stereotypes. You forgot the Chinese launderer and the Jewish tailor and the lesbian carpenter and the humorless Ralph Nader, and also all the cops should be eating Mexican doughnuts (the kind made from refried beans.) > what I mean is, blackmail depends on revealing a secret, not on > confirming a suspicion. But what about people who reveal completely worthless secrets, like the ending of "Star Wars: Episode III"? (Jar Jar gets Darth Vader pregnant.) > the sad thing is, I wrote this entire post just to say "El DUH". El Duh Hubbard would salute you if he hadn't dropped his body. "Ay chihuahua! I have dropped my body! El whoops!" -- K. Still, it's a good thing the Mounties are keeping the butch people out of Canada. They'd ruin the RCMP's Musical Ride. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 01:24:09 -0400 Thirty seconds ago, I posted: > > I would love to get a certificate from the United Nations recognizing > that I am butch enough to go on the "Rescue Heroes" ride at Six Flags. > > -- K. > > If Canada ever catches > fire, Billy Blazes won't be > allowed to go put it out. Bonus trivia challenge: Which of the following are actual Rescue Heroes characters? Billy Blazes Gil Gripper Bulge McSpanky Clamp Down Butch Bearbiter Jack Hammer Manly Hosemaster Captain Cuffs Back Hoe I was going to try to slip "Seymour Wilde" in but I figured that a blatantly sissified name would make things too easy. Oh, what the hell, let's all pretend I claimed there was a Rescue Heroes action figure named "Seymour Wilde", despite that his name's way too poncy to be a Rescue Hero. We all know he'd never be caught in a two-pack with Billy Blazes, right? -- K. I bet Fisher-Price will look at the three fake names and immediately introduce three new toys. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 13:42:28 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bonus trivia challenge: Which of the following are actual > > Rescue Heroes characters? > > OK, all things considered, this is WAY TOO EASY. > > > Billy Blazes [X] > > Gil Gripper [X] > > Bulge McSpanky > > Clamp Down [X] <-- ROBOT! > > Butch Bearbiter > > Jack Hammer [X] > > Manly Hosemaster > > Captain Cuffs [X] > > Back Hoe [X] <-- ROBOT! > > WHAT DO I WIN? Well, assuming "X" marks the bad ones and not the good ones, you got every single answer wrong. Bulge McSpanky, Butch Bearbiter, and Manly Hosemaster are the ones I made up. Next question: Which of these guys has the biggest mustache? Also, Kerri, I'm surprised that you know all about the ultra-butch toys. Does this mean you've been secretly dating a lumberjack? -- K. Or worse, a Rescue Lumberjack? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 16:21:28 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, assuming "X" marks the bad ones and not the good ones, you > > got every single answer wrong. > > You are a MEAN, MEAN man. I didn't say there was anything wrong with you getting all the answers wrong. It's not like I can flunk you or summon the Wrongness Police or anything. And besides, the Wrongness Police are busy going after the people who put the "LOW-CARB!" signs on all the raw bacon at my local supermarket. > > Which of these guys has the biggest mustache? > > NONE OF THE ABOVE. > > Warren Waters [X] > > Like to HOLD ONTO. Does this ride require a seat belt? > > Does this mean you've been secretly dating a lumberjack? > > No. The love of my life, Norm Abram, mentioned something about a > restraining order, so I'm sticking to ultra-butch programmers. I once had to mix LISP and JavaScript. With my bare hands. Took me a week to scrub the parentheses out from under my fingernails. -- K. But getting back to the matter of being butch in Canada: Yadda yadda yadda Red Green sucks yadda yadda. Also, I hear that up there, every Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse wraps leftovers in bags that say "Tom Of Finland". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: No Beef Barely Soup today, but... Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 20:46:22 -0400 I happened to be in the Prudential Shaw's market today (on a quick grocery run before an evening appointment) and, because it was Tuesday, I checked to see if the "Beef Barely Soup" was appearing on a weekly basis (I had seen it one or two Tuesdays ago.) No Beef Barely Soup. However, they did have the ethnically confused "Chicken Tikka Marsala". So what other lukewarm hot foods will show up at the Prudential Shaw's thanks to single-letter transpositions, insertions, deletions, or mutations? I'm rooting for "New England Crap Cakes". -- K. Or at least "Chinese Spotstickers". POOR SPOT! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No Beef Barely Soup today, but... Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 13:51:46 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > When I were a college lad, on several occasions the dining halls > would serve something they called "savory lentils" one day and > "lentils" the next, which is not the same sort of naming oddness > but still, I bring it up because I like typing. One wonder what they would be called on the third day. And the fourth. And the fifth. Someone, please draw us that flowchart of The Progressive Downgrading Of Savory Lentils. Will it keep going forever like 19 in the "if n is even, n/2; if n is odd, 3n+1" algorithm, or will it eventually collapse into some sort of cute little loop like 4? Will the botmmost end of the lentils' journey take them through the black hole... and beyond... into a world of cosmic imagination and wonderfully wondrous wonders, or just into stock footage of some paint dripping in a bucket? Will the lentils pass beyond the lower bounds of lentildom with their spirits entering the bodies of lesser organisms such as millet, volvox, or possibly Dennis Hopper? If you can draw us that flowchart, you may be accepted into Famous Weird Artists School! Apply now! -- K. I like lentils. They're lenticularly delicious. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Has this premise been beaten to death already? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:22:51 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Here's an idea for a romantic-comedy movie or at least a sitcom episode > (I believe there may be a sitcom writer kicking around the place.) Hey, Gene Rayburn, you forgot to say "BLANK" before the word "around". Brett Somers said "keisters", which she spelled with a "y", which she drew backwards, but it was okay because she held the card upside-down. > 1000 Kisses > by Tim "Thanks" Chuma > > A committed lifetime nerd has a bet with a wealthy friend that he can get > 1000 kisses in a day off women he does not know. Hilarity ensues when > details of the bet hit the national media and he has to run away from > busloads of women. Also he probably will have a real girlfriend by the > end of the story. Starring George Clooney and, oh, I don't know, let's say Downtown Julie Brown. Not like it matters who's in it as long as we get it released so it can flop real fast so we don't waste money on making more than one print of it before we force the 3,000 Blockbuster locations to each buy six copies at $100 each because it will be a high-demand rental item because nobody will have seen it in theaters because everyone knows it sucks. > Thanks. Don't thank me until after you find out what I'm kicking. -- K. But you may never find out why. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Corpse In The Cupboard Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:35:09 -0400 [from news.scotsman.com] -> -> Latest in-Flight Facility: Cupboard for the Dead -> -> By Peter Woodman, Air Correspondent, PA News -> -> An airline has got round the awkward problem of dealing with an -> in-flight death by introducing a "corpse cupboard", it was -> revealed today. Yep, that eliminates the awkwardness completely. Death on an airline is now A-OK! -> The special arrangement has been made possible because of the -> design of the new Airbus A340-500 which Singapore Airlines has -> just added to its fleet. -> -> The long-range plane has a compartment which could be used to -> accommodate a body. Finally, a way for sadomasochists to join the Mile-High Club! At last we know what that little looped seatbelt that the flight attendants hold up while demonstrating safety is really for. You get three of those around someone, shove them into the special little human-sized compartment (which I'm sure can only be opened from outside), and enjoy a nice quiet flight punctuated by periodic whimpering during any turbulence the pilots steer towards. -> But the airline said it would only resort to the compartment -> option if no other suitable spot could be found. -> -> A spokesman added: "On the rare occasion when a passenger passes -> away during a flight the crew do all that it possible to manage -> the situation with sensitivity and respect. -> -> "Unfortunately, given the space constraints in an aircraft cabin, -> it is not always possible to find a row of seats where the -> deceased passenger can be placed and covered in a dignified -> manner, although this is always the preferred option. -> -> "The compartment will be used only if no suitable space can be found -> elsewhere in the cabin. The compartment is unique to this aircraft." So what if the plane kills _two_ people? -- K. And do they get refunds if they get taken out of that expensive first- class seat and jammed into that luggage comparment? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:50:40 -0400 Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > [...] I don't give a fuck what a bunch of geniuses think of me. That's good, because I just signed you up to warm up the audience with your standup comedy act at next year's Nobel ceremony. > [...] I think I'm funny, I'm sure others do too. But I warn you, those super-genius double-dome brainiacs _only_ laugh at prop comedy. And also, they'll all be carrying concealed death ray lasers. -- K. Good luck... YOU'LL NERD IT! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 23:32:58 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I don't give a fuck what a bunch of geniuses think of me. > > > > That's good, because I just signed you up to warm up the audience > > with your standup comedy act at next year's Nobel ceremony. > > Please note that politicians go to that as well. Yeah, so, you never heard of "political science"? If politics wasn't a science, would Communism have been called "The Great Experiment"? > > > [...] I think I'm funny, I'm sure others do too. > > > > [...] And also, they'll all be carrying concealed death ray lasers. > > And they may look like TV remote controls, 'cos super geniuses can > make death ray lasers out of TV remote controls. The giveaway is > the extra big battery compartments they've had fitted. They don't have to be all that big. Even a watch battery can kill if it makes a high-frequency current that goes through your chest (the laser beam would be used to propel the little shock gadget to fly through the air and clamp onto your nipples after burning off your shirt.) And with just two nine-volt batteries, you could make something like the thing I... well, I don't want to talk about it here, but let's just say that if I get into a fight with Darth Vader, I won't be the one who gets turned into an empty bathrobe. ZAP! -- K. Suddenly I understand why crazy people wear foil underwear. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 06:47:52 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] And with just two nine-volt batteries, you could > > make something like the thing I... well, I don't want to talk about it > > here, but let's just say that if I get into a fight with Darth Vader, > > I won't be the one who gets turned into an empty bathrobe. ZAP! > > Actually, I'm wondering how you would do against Uma Thurman. I'd explain to her that she made a movie in which she starred in a leather catsuit and it still SUCKED TO HIGH HEAVEN even though Sean Connery was also in it. I mean, clearly about a third of that movie was missing, and Ralph Fiennes really wasn't trying, and Patrick Macnee's voice cameo only reminded everyone how sad the movie was making them feel that they were paying to see something that wasn't a tenth as good as the real "Avengers". And then, having crushed Uma's spirits and reduced her to tears over the terrible mistakes of her acting career, well, I wouldn't beat her up (because I could never hurt a woman) but I would shove her into a big vat of something that would ruin whichever leather catsuit she was wearing in that movie, possibly rancid clam dip, or if that's not available, that juice that comes out of frozen turkeys. It would be like that scene in "Patch Adams" where Robin Williams mucks around in a wading pool filled with bright yellow spaghetti, except this time it wouldn't make the audience wish they were the ones dying. Uma would fall into the rancid clam dip and flail her arms while screaming "HELP! I FELL INTO RANCID CLAM DIP! ALSO, I'M FAMOUS MOVIE STAR UMA THURMAN! BUT NOW I'M DEAD!" and then she'd be dead. Then someone would unzip her leather catsuit and inside she'd be Roy Scheider, only with worse skin, and Michael Ironside would dance on her corpse while William Shatner spoke in a generic Communist accent and, after the first ten minutes, switched to Esperanto and nobody would notice. So, in other words, ten times better than "Patch Adams". -- K. I hear the original title of "Patch Adams" was "Doctor Asshole kills his patients without a license but that's okay because sick kids like his farting." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 23:11:17 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (because I could never hurt a woman) > > Sexist asshole. Hey, don't make me angry or I'll be REALLY NICE TO YOU! You female weenie. -- K. And I should have added within the parentheses, "on purpose for no money". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Upside-down pants? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 23:52:19 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [on being challenged to draw "upside-down pants"] > > ==== ==== > \___\ /___/ > \ \ / / > \ \_/ / > \___|o__/ Do those come in leather with a 32-inch waist, 32-inch inseam? (Please note that the fact that my pants size is "32x32" means I am square.) I need to get some upside-down pants for those days when I feel like standing on my head more than half the time. Of course I've never had a day like that, but only because I have the wrong pants. Also, I am going to draw you a pair of Y-front underpants so tiny that nobody can turn them upside-down: === \Y/ The only way to turn those upside-down would be to change them to h-front underpants, and that would just be silly: /h\ === Tiny clothing is orientation-specific. (That's why the International Male catalog only carries large sizes.) === -- \K/ . HA HA I SIGNED THIS WITH MY UNDERPANTS! (I should've used a pen.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pumpkin Head Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 00:21:31 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Apparently the sword weilding main character of Kill Bill is more > scary because she's a woman. > > Bullshit. > > If a person with a sword was facing me down, I'd be focusing on the sword, > not if they had boobs. I said exactly the same thing two seconds before I realized it made me gay. Welcome to the club. -- K. Oh, and I have a four-foot long one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pumpkin Head Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 17:52:13 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > 'Pumpkin Head' has got to be my first choice Ayn Rand book that I'd > want to have were I stranded on a desert island. The bastard would > make one hell of a big and long-lasting signal fire. 'HELP ME, I'M > FUKKEN STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH ONLY AN AYN RAND BOOK!' Okay, he's a new question. If you were stuck on a desert island with all the books in the world except one, and all the DVDs in the world except one, and all the candy in the world except one, and all the sexual practices in the world except one, would you even care what the missing ones were? Please post detailed discussion of this so I have something to read on the train on my way to someplace that isn't a desert island. Thank you. -- K. Someday I must read Ayn Rand's books just so I can make fun of him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Captain Stinko passes away Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 01:13:26 -0400 [from reuters.co.uk] -> -> Fred Dale, creator of nasty smells, dies He who created it related it! Okay, that wasn't very good. But what else could I do with a newspaper article about a dead guy who used to fake farts? -> Wed 12 May, 2004 17:50 -> -> FYLDE (Reuters) - Fred Dale, the man who concocted foul smells such -> as Dead Roman Soldier's Armpit and Viking Loo for theme parks, has died, -> his son says. How hard is it to make something smell like an armpit? Look, I'll rub a washcloth on my armpit and let any theme park have it for $50. $75 if they want me to wear my Roman soldier helmet while I collect the extract. $100 if they want me to pretend to be dead while I'm sweating. -> Fred's favourite was "Dragon Breath", created for a model dragon in -> the Camelot fun park in Lancashire. -> -> "It's an extremely strong, revolting smell," his son Robert Dale -> told Reuters. However, dragon farts smell like lilac! -> Fred, who founded an air freshener company, produced nasty smells as a -> sideline for places like the Jorvik centre museum in York. -> -> His son said the only odour Fred Dale could never quite capture was the -> smell of baking bread. If only there were a way to use cheap ingredients to make a kitchen smell like bread were baking... Maybe something could be done with lasers, or possibly, flour? -- K. So does a Viking loo smell different from a regular loo? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's new sign day! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:02:06 -0400 This sign is taped to the elevator door in my apartment building's lobby: +------------------+ | STAR WAX ON | | FLOOR BASEMENT | | 10PM A 1AM | | DON'T NOT ENTER | +------------------+ ...so obviously I have to go down there tonight because I can't not enter. I think George Lucax ruined Star Wax when he added Wax-Wax Jinx sliding around in the basement like a big spax. -- K. And it's not really a lobby, more of a no-man's land. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Hello Kitty Rant" Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:12:55 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > This is my "Hello Kitty Rant." Hi, Seth! And these are your Hello Kitty Underoos! Fresh from the dryer! > What are you guys doing, constantly talking about Hello Kitty? And leather! We got both topics of conversation here! Hello Kitty and leather! > That show is supposed to be for little 3-year-old girls! And fat ones too! Stop discriminating against girls who are too fat to watch "Hello Kitty"! > You guys start worshipping the weird Japanese cartoon as a goddess > or something. Hi, Seth! And this is our human sacrifice for today! Kneel at the altar of the Mouthless One and close your eyes and think warm thoughts, these hedge shears are mighty cold! > Am I going insane or something? Hi, Seth! This is the first time I've said hi to you today! If you think I keep saying hi to you then maybe you should ask me if you're going insane or something! > While I'm on the subject of being insane, did you guys know that > Wolfgang Peterson is literally insane. With Troy coming out, that > seems pretty impressive. Troy is gay? Did he know before or after he changed his name from Boxie between "Battlestar: Galactica" and "Galactica: 1980"? Hi, Seth! I am proud that I know the backstory continuity between the good season of "Galactica" and the terrible season of "Galactica"! And now you do too, in your Underoos! > Diane Kruger, the actress that plays Helen is gorgeous. Hi, Seth! Do you prefer movies with good-looking actresses or ugly ones? I like Hello Kitty! -- K. I like Hello Kitty even though she forgot to have a mouth! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:57:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Is my signature cool? No. > Should I get a better signature? No, you should get a worse one. > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > other than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > That's cool, but it's old. Yeah, well, so are YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! You're FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!! ...sorry, I just channeled Barbara Bain for a moment there. The episode where she scratches the guy's face and he ages to death, not the one where she kills Brian Blessed by holding his hand, which is not the same as the one where Brian Blessed is wearing a gayer costume than the one he wore in "Flash Gordon". Where were we? Oh, yes, your .signature is not as cool as "Flash Gordon". Even if you can sing it to the same tune. > -- > Seth Goldin thump thump thump thump thump thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Savior of the Universe! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Save every one of us! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! He's a miracle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! King of the impossible! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! A big piece of broccoli! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Skateboarding with a monocle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Purple from head to toes! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Up his nose with a rubber hose! He's for every one of us, he stands for every one of us, he'llsavewithameatyhandeverymaneverywomaneverychildhe'samighty SETH! (Seth, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!) Just a man with a man's courage a manly manly macho macho man of men men, men, men, men, men, men, SETH-HEARTED MEN! Nothing but a man who can never fail No-one but the pure of heart may eat the Golden Grahams ah-ahhhhhhhhhhhh oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh wa-waaaaaaaaaaaa SETH! -- K. I'm glad I have never used a .signature. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:56:48 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, other > > > than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." > > > > How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff > > to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > > I looked at the above lines of text too quickly and they Spoke To Me > about "Matt McIrvin's 'Indent-O-Shorts'". I think you need to put Icy-Hot in your brain and quick. Also you should try moxibustion because I like saying "moxibustion", which is an ancient Chinese word meaning "horrible-tasting soft drink made from 50% bitterness and 50% bustion to yield some sort of quack medical product involving either open flame or carbonation." Also, moxibustion involves mugwort, and mugwort is a mixture of 50% liverwort and 50% Mug root beer, for a liverworty taste sensation. Okay, I'll stop lying. Moxibustion is a perfectly scientific Chinese medical treatment involving having some guy hold the tip of a lit cigar a quarter-inch from your nipple while shouting "DING DONG, DING DONG!" Also, I am proud of myself for mentioning "mugwort" without turning this into a new Harry Potter novel. -- K. Why do acupuncture needles come in boxes of 100 when you need at least 350 to make a really good Pinhead Halloween costume? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:01:29 -0400 Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > I find it hard to believe that someone with a WebTV implanted in his head > would have a hard time figuring out what to put in a .sig. Have you not > considered a midi rendition of "MacArthur Park" accompanying a chorus line > of animated Jawas marching across a scrolling copy of "Jonathan Livingston > Seagull," in a 500-pt blackletter font? Don't forget a line of dancing bears pointing at the Jawas and saying, "LOOK! HERE COME THE ANIMATED JAWAS! THEY'RE ANIMATED! AND HOW!" and also they should all really be Jar-Jar. Also, it should be a version of "MacArthur Park" sung by barking dogs accompanied by Jar-Jar on a space kazoo from the planet Kazoozie. > If that's too much for you, perhaps an ASCII picture of the USS Enterprise > shooting giant swords at Perth would be closer to your tastes. No, no! An ASCII parade of every version of the USS Enterprise! With a tiny ASCII Stephen Collins pointing at them and saying "All these ships were called 'Enterprise'!" to a bald woman who can't act! And the fourth one would have to be the ring-shaped long-necked ship shown in that painting in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" and also the really butch-looking primitive Enterprise in "Star Trek: Enterprise" at the same time to avoid introducing the first-ever continuity problem in the "Star Trek" canon! Don't forget ASCII portraits of Kirk and Picard, too. I'll get you started with Picard: _ _________ / \ /"WHO LET \ /_ _\ /THE BOY ON \ ( o o ) __/\MY BRIDGE?"/ | _(_ | \_________/ \_____/ Wait, that's Bert from "Sesame Street", only even less fun to be around. But since he and Picard are otherwise identical, you can put him in your .signature, especially if you can figure out a way to make William Shatner be Ernie. -- K. Spock is Cookie Monster, except with pointy ears instead of an insatiable appetite for cookies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:48:35 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Is my signature cool? > > Not yet. Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are inherently uncool? > > Should I get a better signature? > > You're Allowed. Yes, but only as long as he ends it with "This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo." > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, plus I lost my file of cool .signatures back > when I moved from panacea to vic, because of a brainfart-related deleting > incident. So I have no feedback at this time. I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide so I can't quote it (and also, somehow, it appears to pack at least 96 columns worth of stuff into those 80 columns.) Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it with my usual "greater-than, space, space" indentogon: > -- > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the > flower > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to > see > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > VRbeable > http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! > --K. ...and that's like an Indent-O-Meter stuck on "oops". But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: -- +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer "Hey you" |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison Zingers |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's O-S-C-A-ARRR |=(___\====================|Comcast analog cable just dropped CNN Headline News. | |A white stripe stands for a cloud of tapioca pudding |==========================|The heart is falling over so you can still recognize |--------------------------|the flag while you're asleep. VISUALIZE A NEW POTSIE |==========================|http://www.kibo.com/ - not updated since 1997 +--------------------------+Eat more bees / I am typing FILLER in ALLLL CAAAAAPS I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. -- K. Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like things are supposed to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:43:06 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > Is my signature cool? > > > > > > Not yet. > > > > Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are > > inherently uncool? > > He'll find out. Some day. And on that day, everyone else should start posting with a .signature just to confuse him. > > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, > > > > I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide [...] > > Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it [...] > > > > > -- > > > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows > > > the > > > flower > > > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for > > > anyone to > > > see > > > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > > It's a double-sided double-density .sig . And you _copied_ it without the > patented ExploTab (c) Protection!!1! Oooo, Ashcroft's going to GET you... Please do penance for making me remember the days when you had to carefully examine all the boxes of floppy disks in the store to find the "DSDD" ones instead of the "SSDD" and "DSSD" and "SSSD" ones even though they were all actually identical except for the acronyms, only one of which stood for anything obscene enough to be amusing. > > But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to > > foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: > > > > -- > > +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer > > "Hey you" > > |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison > > Zingers > > |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's > > O-S-C-A-ARRR > > Aaahhhhhhh. > > Kibo has posted a .signature, the first new one since ... I can't _tell_, > they're all timestamped February 18 2001! Waaah! > > Anyway, my work here is done for to-day. Yes, and now, it's time for stamping. > > I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine > > stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like > > you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of > > community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. > > But that's the only one of the communities of which I am a member (which all > seem not to like, that much, having me as a member, I think it's the > asparagus syndrome or something) that condenses into four keystrokes, so I > had to make them STAND for all the others too! I like to make mine stamp for all the others. "Stamp" is a fun word to say or do. Especially "rubber stamp". Just to make you happy and be in compliance with all the abritrary rules of stupid Internet etiquette, I made an X-Face version which combines my standard overly-bold "K" with that nine-stripe dithered flag but I promise to only use it on special occasions after I test it out right now. Let's see how many computers this crashes. It contains enough highly complicated graphical data that I could only compress it down to two lines: X-Face: ;\@!~C~Is%p@}v]EOF_;be\$~wTt_gQ|yk:(l{3vTx?LWX=bM[}>8{teHZ'6[tf\+o2 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 > > Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is > > complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the > > migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like > > things are supposed to be. > > If they're the things on the lower right, they're either Giant Waffles, > escaped matzoh, or pieces of a centuries-old newspaper, I think. I figured they were supposed to be blocks of compressed maple sugar, dating from the days when the United States was referred to only as "Lower Canada". You know you're old when your Social Security card says "United Provinces Of Lower Canada" below that maple leaf holding an eagle in its claws. -- K. Good thing we don't have any Canajians here on this Amurrican Internet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Question Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:26:03 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Is it perverted to wear leather pants for non-perverted reasons? I'm not qualified to answer that question. (awkward pause) Hey, I just got some great new leather police gloves. The ones with the pound of birdshot sewn into the knuckles of each glove, suitable for putting your fist through the car windows of idiots who stop with their front wheels in your crosswalk, or just accidentally knocking people onto the subway tracks if you absent-mindedly swing your arms while you walk through Park Street Under. Not that I would ever do either, of course. You see... (singing) I'm a NICE guy! I'm such a NICE guy! This is ME, I'm a NICE guy! I don't KNOW any of the LYRICS to this SONG! Hey, where are YOU from, BALDimore? I'm a NICE guy! I'm a really NICE guy! Sigh. I can't even do a good job of pretending to be Don Rickles because I REALLY AM A NICE GUY! -- K. And if you disagree, I'll crush you! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Smurfs Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:23:45 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Smurfs are little blue humanoids with white gloves. They were > created by the cartoonist "Peyo" in 1958. They re-emerged in the 1980s, > becoming a worldwide phenomenon and exterminating all of the indigenous > little people. Eventually the fad died out, but Peyo understood that > cutesy figurines never stay popular for long, so he designed the Smurfs > to be active and dormant in 23-year cycles. Brood Y [Smurf Smurf] will > reappear in vast numbers soon, digging their way out of their little > burrows/ammunition caches, cutifying the world by force and allowing a > new generation to "discover the magic". It's okay, I've been going around dumping boric acid into hollow trees and around cobbler shops. That helps get rid of Smurfs, sprites, Cottingley fairies, Keeblers, and assorted midgets. If I were you, I'm not sure I would have called the Smurfs "humanoid". More like "verminoid" or possibly "smurftacularly smurfnoxious". Oh, and memo to any Smurfs who might be reading: This time, the land of the humans has more than one cat in it. Bye-bye, Smurfs. -- K. Your shoe size equals the number you can crush at once. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:52:39 -0400 [from the San Francisco Chronicle via SFGate.com] -> -> SAN FRANCISCO -> Race's naked joggers to be tolerated, barely -> They must dress at finish line or get ticketed -> -> Steve Rubenstein, Chronicle Staff Writer -> Saturday, May 15, 2004 -> -> -> Running naked through the streets of San Francisco will be OK and not -> OK, according to the people in charge of the Bay to Breakers race. Okay and not okay? I thought that in San Francisco _everything_ was at least one or the other. -> You're not supposed to do it, said race organizers, wink-winking -> and nudge-nudging. But if you decide to do it on Sunday morning, -> there's not much anybody can do to stop you. -> -> Every year, more and more people run the 7.5-mile race without -> clothes. Last year, there were more than 200 nude runners. Now, -> they even have their own Web site, logo, caps and souvenir pins. You know, I can't wait until about 2025 when the last of the old-guard reporters will finally die off so that we'll stop seeing newspaper and magazine articles that offer breathless amazement that some person, company, or group has a Web site! If this reporter had been born fifty years earlier, I bet he would've been writing articles that included the phrase "and the company even has a phone number." -> This year, police say they will cite naked runners who do not -> clothe themselves once they cross the finish line at the west end -> of Golden Gate Park, but will not try to stop naked runners -> during the race. -> -> Angela Fang, head of the foundation that organizes the race, says -> she was told by police that it is "not physically possible'' to -> cite nudists in motion. Unless you spell "cite" the other way. Binoculars can help with that, too. -> "There's no way for police to run into the race and yank out the -> naked runners,'' she said Friday. If the police were clever, they'd all get naked so they could infiltrate the race. Of course, concealing their badges might be a little painful due to sharp corners. -> Race organizers were clearly of two minds about the whole thing. -> They want as many runners as they can get, at $40 a head. They do -> not want to offend paying customers, and they do not want to -> offend nervous Nellies, either. -> -> Typically, naked runners carry clothes in a fanny pack or hide -> clothes in Golden Gate Park, and clothe themselves immediately -> after crossing the finish line. San Francisco is one of the few places in the world where you can pull a thong out of a fanny pack and then be fully clothed. In Boston, you'd die of hypothermia if you carried your clothes in anything smaller than an eighteen-wheeler suitcase. -> "It's a family event, and we know people bring their children,'' -> Fang said. "But the Bay to Breakers means so much to so many -> people, and this is San Francisco. We don't want to change -> anything. We're torn.'' -> -> Some of the naked runners compete as members of Bare to Breakers. -> On their Web site (baretobreakers.com), they call themselves -> "outrageous and courageous'' and have their own souvenir pin, -> even though attaching the pin on race day could prove challenging. -> -> Seeded runner Jackie Brooks, who will be racing at the front of -> the pack and is one of the favorites, says she doesn't mind if -> people run naked, as long as they finish behind her. Then she'll go over to Folsom Street and run in some leather-oriented race, as long as all the guys are Finnish behind her. I'm sorry, that was only about 2/3 of the way to being a pun. I challenge anyone to go the distance and work "Touko Laaksonen" in there. -> "To each his own,'' she said. "It doesn't bother me. It's sort of funny.'' -> -> She says a serious runner like herself would never run naked, -> however, because running is "tough enough'' with clothes on. Then she went home and ate her ice cream seriously, forcing herself to feel no enjoyment whatsoever. Damn, I hate serious people. I just want to hit them with pies. -> Race veteran John Hearney, who in past years has raced as a -> giraffe, a tree, Coit Tower and the Transamerica Pyramid, was -> testing the giant 45-pound windmill costume he will be wearing -> Sunday. Of course, in San Francisco, dressing as a mini-golf obstacle amid naked people could lead to someone putting their balls into him. That was only 1/3 of a pun, and it wasn't the missing third of the other one. But these people aren't making it easy for me. -> He says he doesn't care about naked runners, either. So is he a eunuch, or just stupid? -> "I don't think it's a distraction,'' he said. "The windmill is a -> distraction, but not somebody naked. Not in San Francisco.'' I see... so... this articles point is that the controversy over this nudathon is that nobody gives a damn about the nudathon. It would be so emotionally draining for me to live in a city where it's okay to try to shock everyone because nobody puts any effort into having a reaction to anything. "Look! I'm drilling holes in my face with an eggbeater!" "Ho hum, that's nice, will you help me get something down from that top shelf?" -- K. San Francisco is really screwed up. I have a hunch that when I eventually visit there, I'm not going to leave nice, comfortable Folsom Street. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:12:21 -0400 [concerning the fine people of New York City] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The last time I was in the City, a vaguely Caucasian-looking guy with an > unidentifiable accent came up to me in the subway and repeatedly told me > he wanted to "parahode," waiting for me to direct him to the proper > staircase. I couldn't figure out what to say because I kept thinking I > almost understood him and then realizing it sounded like he was looking > for a *perekhod*, so I just stood there gaping at him blankly and > stupidly, not managing to come out with any words to tell him I couldn't > understand what he was saying. When the train arrived, he got on one > door down from me, stood looking at me through the crowd as I struggled > to figure out my own route, and then darted back off the train just > before the doors closed. Oh, you meant "vaguely Caucasian" as in "Russkie". I had to look up that "perekhod" meant "place where you can transfer between trains" in Russian. So without access to Google, I would not have been able to understand your story, and you would have started almost following me around town on the subway, except that I think the story might have had a different ending, if you imagine me as Sylvester Stallone in "Bananas". I have a hard time imagining myself as Stallone, unless it's in a Woody Allen movie where the credits aren't in that same ugly font he always uses (Windsor Condensed.) Someone please either buy Woody a new font or get Stallone to beat him up again. Here in Boston, when someone asks us for directions and we don't know where to direct them, we just point to some random spot on the horizon, at least if the person demanding directions is more obnoxious than we are. If they ask nicely, I point them in some arbitrary direction and then mention that I'm not "sure" that's the best route, but if they're surly and/or drunk, I just get them the hell away from me. -- K. The rule seems to be that when lost, people ask the person with the thickest eyeglasses, even if he is clearly evil. I really need contact lenses. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:23:00 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Summary version: > > A. People with NO! clothes on are NA> B. When they run they look funny. > C. Reporters find this funny enough to write about. > D. Editors find this funny enough to publish. > E. Kibo finds this funny enough to PARODY! Don't make me come down there with a copy of my rant about the difference between parody, pastiche, lampoon, satire, sarcasm, sadism, stalactites, and stalagmites. I was just heckling the reporter who wasn't here, not actually parodying anything. Also I was questioning why people would even bother living in San Francisco if they weren't excited to see other people's openly-flaunted perversions. I'd think that by now everyone in San Francisco would either be some sort of flamboyant kinkster or someone who would spend all day ogling the flamboyant kinksters. To live in San Francisco and just not care that there are naked triathletes running across your lawn, that's just a waste of exhibitionism. Everyone should give exhibitionists a stare or two instead of rudely accepting them. Speaking of stalactites, there's one growing in Park Street Under that looks to be about ten inches long. They grow so fast in artificial environments like subway stations due to all the cement and plaster and asbestos and other powdery stuff that can wash down from the ceiling whenever there's seepage (and if there's one thing Park Street Under has plenty of, it's seepage.) All the stalactites are little skinny things about a quarter-inch in diameter, with no taper -- they look like gray icicles, but probably taste worse. > Actually, nudity is a joke played on you by GOD! So then, backless jockstraps sold by International Male are a joke played on whom by whom? I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that there is underwear so gay that only straight people who don't know the meaning of the word "gay" could like it. -- K. God, of course, wears big boy underpants under his black leather. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: T minus 34 hours and counting until my local news channels show something other than the war. Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:26:08 -0400 [from Advocate.com] -> -> Republicans argue same-sex marriage would cost govt. billions -> -> Testifying Thursday at a U.S. House Judiciary Subcommittee -> hearing on the proposed Federal Marriage Amendment, which is -> backed by President Bush, Republican lawmakers argued that -> allowing same-sex couples to legally marry would be bad because -> it could cost the federal government a lot of money. OH MY! STOP THE PRESSES! SOMETHING MIGHT SOMEDAY CAUSE THE GOVERNMENT TO SPEND SOME MONEY! IT MIGHT MAKE THEM HAVE TO THINK OR SOMETHING! Every once in a while I wonder about these people who don't understand that the concept of money is that you're supposed to spend it, not just put it in a big pile and measure its height once a week like you're collecting a ball of string. -> Rep. Spencer Bachus, an Alabama Republican, ...was then marooned on a desert island with several other walking stereotypes including a professor, a fat guy, a movie star, and the other kind of slut. He spent the next several years trying to get off the island because he was creeped out by the phrase "little buddy". -> cited past government studies that found that giving gay and -> lesbian couples the same benefits as married straight couples -> could cost the Treasury billions of dollars, the San Francisco -> Chronicle reports. But Democrats denounced the comments, arguing -> that gay and lesbian couples also pay federal taxes and deserve -> the same legal protections and federal benefits as other couples. -> "You don't save money by denying people rights in America," -> said Rep. Barney Frank, the openly gay Democrat from Massachusetts. There's only one openly gay Democrat in Massachusetts? At last I understand how Mitt Romney got elected. -> According to the Chronicle, Bachus cited a recent General -> Accounting Office report that detailed 1,138 federal laws (article pauses a moment so George Lucas can circle that number and feel very special about his movie which predicted that, in the world of the future, Donald Pleasence could have your wife eradicated so that he could move in with you, at least if you're Robert Duvall) -> in which marital status is a factor in receiving benefits, rights, -> or privileges. The laws affect everything from a spouse's ability -> to collect Social Security, disability, and veterans' benefits to -> legal rights to file joint tax returns, apply for joint -> homeowners' insurance, or claim family leave to care for a sick -> partner. Bachus ticked off some of the federal programs that -> could be affected if gay and lesbian couples had full marriage -> rights: "Social Security, food stamps, disability payments, -> welfare, Medicare, Medicaid." OH NO! THEY'LL HAVE TO ISSUE GAY FOOD STAMPS! AND LESBIAN FOOD STAMPS! AND SUPERMARKETS WILL HAVE TO SET UP SPECIAL SECTIONS FOR GAY FOOD! THERE WILL BE CREME BRULEE EVERYWHERE! PEOPLE WILL DIE OF ARUGULA POISONING! AND SUPERMARKET CROISSANTS WILL NO LONGER ALWAYS BE STALE! Oh, wait, they already have an all-gay supermarket here, called "Bread & Circus". -> Then he asked the panel of witnesses: "Won't this just break the -> bank?" Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colo.), the chief House sponsor -> of the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, -> said she had not seen a full accounting of the costs of offering -> the benefits to gays and lesbians. THE GOVERNMENT WILL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN THE WAR SO IT CAN GIVE GAY PEOPLE UNLIMITED LUBE PRIVILEGES! GOVERNMENT OFFICE BUILDINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST FIVE KINDS OF RESTROOMS! SORRY, NASA, NO MONEY FOR YOU, WE HAD TO SPEND IT ON PAINTING THE WHITE HOUSE PINK! -> But she argued that "activist judges" should not be allowed to -> impose decisions that could impact the finances of state and -> federal governments. JUDGES SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING! EVER! ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE AND THEY'RE NAKED AND SWEATY UNDER THOSE BLACK ROBES! -> [...] -> Proponents of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage recently -> changed the language of the amendment to make clear that states -> can approve civil unions. I think we should force straight people to get civil unions, because married couples spend too much time arguing. -- K. If someone wants to save the country money, they should just let people marry whoever they want because that's gotta be cheaper than all the paper and videotape and electrons that are being spent on this endless bloviation over whether the government should care about people's sexual orientation. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:35:43 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > WHy in the name of beef do people think there are no words that > > rhyme with orange? > > > > Hello? Binge! > > There's two kinds of rhymes. If a phrase's last syllable is stressed > then it can rhyme with any other phrase with a matching last stressed > syllable. > > If the last syllable isn't stressed, you have to back up to the last > syllable that IS stressed and then match all the syllables from that one > to the end. > > So 'Hello? Binge!" doesn't rhyme with 'orange' because 'binge' is > stressed and 'ange' isn't. Dear Witchiepoo, What about "syringe"? "twinge"? "fringe"? I can stress _any_ word I want, because I don't talk like a robot, dammit! And even if you play by some silly rules that says you can't stress the good part of "orange"... What about "blorange"? "squorange"? And let's not forget the famous scented Play-Doh flavor, "Explorange". (I wish I could.) > Also, the 'o' in 'hello' is pronounced like in 'own' while the 'o' in > 'orange' is pronounced like in 'or', as I say them anyway, and 'inge' in > 'binge' is like in 'hinge' while 'ange' in 'orange' sounds more like the > first syllable of 'enjoy' to my ear. Why don't you go hand the man the dandy candy. > Those caveats aside, you are of course 100% correct. I am 75% correct and 58% wrong and 23% sweet creamery butter and 91% alkaline aquarium butter. Also, those numbers add up to only 103%, which is what makes it okay because 3% never matters in mathematics. > Hey, I don't make the rules, I just break 'em. That doesn't rhyme. Therefore, you are bad. P.S. Yes, Witchiepoo once sang a song titled "There Ain't No Rhyme For Oranges" on "H.R. Pufnstuf". You see, this is because, being a Sid & Marty Krofft show, it was a total fantasy, which is why in their topsy-turvy world they pretended there ain't no rhyme for oranges. -- K. "Stonehenge"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:40:00 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Subject: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... > > When they swarm it sounds JUST LIKE a phaser on overload from TOS. Do you mean the "force chamber explosion" from "The Cage" aka "The Menagerie", or do you mean the much slower one from "The Conscience Of The King", or the faster one from "That Which Survives"? Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in my own head holes. There's a certain pitch somewhere in the 30-50 Hz range which, when I hit it, makes my ears start buzzing in a very disturbing way. I now require the services of a volunteer to come over and listen to all the parts of my head to determine whether my ears are actually emitting sound or whether they just think they are because the rest of my skull is vibrating. -- K. For some reason, I have a headache today. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Mr.Wilson! Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:41:10 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > When step-daughter was Chefing,she and the kitchen help used to > > unband the lobster's claws and give them steak knives to hold and > > wave around,presumably to give the lobsters a last chance to play > > super heros before taking a soothing,hot bath. > > I like that idea! My ex-boyfriend used to dance around the bushel > basket of live crabs, brandishing the can of Old Bay and taunting them. Question: Is it more sadistic or less sadistic to give the lobsters steak knives? I suspect it depends on whether you are reinforcing the idea "Ha ha, you can't fight back even if I give you a knife" or actually trying to help them fight fairly. I ask merely because it is important to understand everything about sadism, which is the most useful life skill anyone can cultivate, especially seafood chefs. Also, Barbara, is your ex-boyfriend still available? > > Do you get frozen crawfish in your area? Okay, now I'm going to have to sit cross-legged for the rest of this train ride. Curse you and your projective mental imagery about icy-cold pincers and areas. -- K. Couldn't you have mentioned something less painful to have in one's area, such as an improperly-grounded neon sign? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The DMCA and tap dancing Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:23:41 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Coming soon to a filesharing network near you, 2:30 of tyler's tap > dance recital, the last thirty seconds of which are cut because 'security' > at the event ordered me shut down the camera. Dude, you didn't do the Michael Moore hack to your camera that lets you switch the red LED off while the camera is still running? How are you and Tyler going to get Project Mayhem off the ground if you keep doing what The Man tells you? Also, I want to see the footage of the security person who made you shut off the camera. > I pay for the tap classm I pay for the tickets to the performance, > now the goon claims 'copyrights' would be violated it I tape my > daughter tap dancing. Yes, if she's tapping out the twist ending to "The DaVinci Code". (IT'S A COOKBOOK! No, wait, I spelled that wrong -- IT'S A WORTHLESSBOOK!) > I complain afterwards, naturally he's just following order of the > house manager, I complain to the stage manager who mutters something > about 'union rules' but gives me a free copy of the video that they > are making for sale. I once got a free copy of the souvenir videotape from "Conan O'Brien's Desk Ride" at NBC headquarters, but I don't know if that was because I simply didn't realize I was supposed to give the guy ten dollars after I took it from his hand and dashed for the exit, or whether they were just in a hurry to get me out of there before the building closed so that they could keep anyone from spying on the secret rehearsals for the side-splittingly hilarious "Saturday Night Live". Okay, must have been the former. > So if the Lincoln theater under 20 tones of xerox copies of the DCMA, > that wasn't me flying the helicopter. And if the goon hadn't made you shut off your camera, you'd now have the only footage of Ford being shot there, Mr. Prudezapper. -- K. Keep zapping those prudes! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray for social change! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 01:05:39 -0400 Hey! I just realized that as of less than an hour ago, it would now be legal for me to marry the silver screen's Jack Black should he ever accept my proposal. (I don't know why he hasn't agreed to marry me yet. By the way, can anyone tell me his address or phone number so I can ask him?) For the next few days, I expect my local TV news to have 90% less Michael Jackson and Iraq and Martha Stewart and Donald Trump and a lot more happy people, except for those funny cranks who keep talking about how "those gays keep trying to ram their sexuality down my throat, really hard, over and over..." -- K. Homophobes talk about sucking off men more often than Ronald McDonald talks about hamburgers. However, I think Ronald McDonald talks about blowjobs the most. He likes the pickle-flavored condoms. Oh, and don't ask for a milkshake. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 15:23:48 -0400 Uh oh, someone knows how to push my buttons: Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > DIY Taser > > http://www.techtv.com/unscrewed/ihateyou/story/0,24682,3653392,00.html > > Dark Tip: Reach Out and Zap Someone > Turn your crappy camera into a zestful zapper. > By Joey the Intern > > => When you live in fear-driven times such as these, having grown up with > => MacGyver as a role model has its advantages. Kevin and I thought it > => would be cool to MacGyver our own shocking device in glove form, using > => simply what we had lying around the house. What was lying around the > => house was a simple one-time-use camera. VERY BAD IDEA, dangerous to yourself, dangerous to others, and likely to lead to you getting murdered if you try to defend yourself with it. It's akin to saying "Hey kids! You can make your own machine gun for defending yourself with, by just holding three cherry bombs in your mouth!" > => These disposable cameras (about $5 dollars a pop) have a capacitor > => that can store up to 600 volts of stopping power. When the capacitor > => discharges those volts, it delivers an amperage comparable to stun guns. A real stun gun would go right through the glove and several layers of clothing as well. You can get a stun gun that makes three-quarter-inch arcs off a 9v battery for $30 these days. In fact, you can buy them from Amazon.com -- even in states where they're illegal. Stun guns run at far more than 600v. They're 30,000v to 750,000v, usually off one to three 9v batteres. 600v off small batteries is more similar to what anti-bark collars for dogs use. It would cause pain and momentary distraction (maybe making someone fall over) but then they'd get up and they would be _very_ angry. A stun gun could leave them lying there drooling for a long time. Both could cause little burns, but there's a world of difference between the high-voltage, high-frequency output of a stun gun and a disposable camera's capacitor. This thing's low-voltage, relatively high-amperage output is probably more likely to just cause pain and rage than to disable someone who's determined to get you. You better believe me when I say that if you tried shocking me with one of these home-made gloves, I WOULD BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU. Or at least take your toy glove away and ram it down your throat. (Even real stun guns are not good self-defense weapons -- they require a few seconds of contact, and it's possible for someone to get them away from you during that time if they can fight through the pain. Most don't even have safeties, let alone a feature to disable them if the bad person turns it around -- except for the smaller stunners designed for women. This means that if you keep the batteries in your stun gun, it's not that difficult to sit on the thing and shock yourself accidentally. Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) Don't fuck around with home-made electrical weapons if you don't know volts from amps, AC from DC, etc. And definitely don't fuck around with them on the advice of some bonehead on the Internet. And _certainly_ don't try to defend yourself with something that won't even go through a glove, unless you expect only to be attacked by naked people. Also, "Taser" is not a synonym for "stun gun". A Taser is a specific brand of _projectile_ weapon that shoots wires at people. (In my view, Tasers are one of the worst weapons in history because you can only fire them once. What if you miss? And they're $600!) I would suggest not taking advice from any Web page that doesn't know the difference between a glove and a projectile. Sheesh, I wish Gharlane were still alive so I wouldn't have to be the one to write this rant. -- K. Oh, and also, the article fails to mention that they're encouraging you to commit a felony (in many states) -- possession of an electrical weapon is illegal in a lot of places. (Not only its use, but even its possession.) Nice advice, TechTV. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Vaseline in the news Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:25:17 -0400 Just in case nobody else has already mocked today's second most important news story... [from news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Man arrested after hotel room is coated in Vaseline -> -> By Associated Press -> Monday, May 17, 2004 -> -> BINGHAMTON, N.Y. - Talk about a slippery suspect. -> -> A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every -> surface in his room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York. -> -> After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew -> discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery -> stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels -- -> and everything else in the room. Well, once the stuff gets on you, it does tend to get all over the place. Especially once you get it on your feet. -> Police found 14 empty Vaseline containers and numerous pornographic -> magazines in the room's trash can. WHAT SORT OF SICK WERIDO THROWS OUT PORNOGRAPHY? Still, it's good to know that police are going around checking trash cans for porn. -> Damage to the motel room and its contents was estimated at over -> one-thousand dollars. -> -> A sheriff's deputy found the Virginia man a short time later -> at another motel. The deputy said the man was ``smeared from -> head to foot with Vaseline.'' -> -> Chamberlain was sent to jail after being charged with felony -> criminal mischief. -> -> The motel manager says the room still can't be used. Why not? Doesn't Motel 6 have other perverts among its clientele? (I prefer Holiday Inn, myself.) [another angle on the story, from www.newsday.com] => => Man in petroleum jelly jam after failing to slide by police Oh boy! Now we get to read the generic version that doesn't mention Vaseline brand petroleum jelly product by name! => May 17, 2004, 6:58 PM EDT => => release from jail, graf 7. ADDS attempt to reach Chamberlain => unsuccessful, graf 9. REMOVES brf designator. msmjwnbf Beg prdn? => BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) -- Roger Chamberlain may have thought he => managed to slide by police when he switched motels. => => But when he was allegedly found a short while later glimmering => from head to toe in petroleum jelly, authorities believed they => had their man. Glimmering! Glimmering! That's such a beautiful word. I would have just used "glistening". I guess I need more practice thinking about how to describe people coated with generic petroleum jelly. => Chamberlain, 44, of McLean, Va., is accused of coating nearly => every available surface in his room at the Motel 6 near => Binghamton with the unctuous substance. Unctuous! I bet by the end of this article the reporter is going to obsequiously mention his scintillating SAT Verbal score. => Then, after checking out, a cleaning crew discovered the gooey => mess -- one that included mattresses, bedding, a television set, => furniture, carpeting and towels all slathered with petroleum => jelly. If you're not allowed to wipe it on the towels, then where can you wipe it? Hotels usually don't give you enough Kleenex to handle even two jars of Vaseline, let alone fourteen -- or so I've heard. => Damage to the room and its contents was estimated at more than => $1,000, and once police arrived, they found 14 empty petroleum => jelly containers and numerous pornographic magazines in the => trash can, according to WNBF radio in Binghamton. => => A short time later, a sheriff's deputy found Chamberlain in a => room at another motel, his body smeared entirely in the greasy => stuff, authorities said. And, as always, the reporters of the world have let us down by not telling us the most important details: Namely, which magazines the guy liked, and what size Vaseline jars, and what he was wearing (I assume he wasn't naked except for the Vaseline, but if so, they should have said so.) Also, photographs. => Chamberlain was charged May 9 with felony criminal mischief and => ordered held in Broome County Jail. He was released May 11, => Corrections Officer Anthony Rando said. I bet that jail cell is all greasy now, too. => Meanwhile, back at the Motel 6, the manager said Chamberlain's => old room remains unusable. => => An attempt to reach Chamberlain in Virginia was not immediately => successful. If you get through to him, tell him to read the instructions on the back of his Anal Destroyer With ErotiFeel Nubs about how silicone-based lube is good if he has rubber toys, and Vaseline's good if he has silicone toys, and water-based lube will work with either, but he shouldn't put Vaseline on rubber goods or silicone oil on silicone novelties or it will lead to his special little pals slowly dissolving. The water-based gel is the best to use in hotel rooms, because it's easier to clean off the TV screen. Oh, and what channel did he have the TV tuned to? Fun fact: 1010wins.com first reported the story under the headline "Suspected 'Vasoline Terrorist' Targets Motel" but then changed it to "Vaseline Vandal Can't Slip Past Police" because alliteration is funnier than terrorism. Also, someone told them there was no "o" in "Vaseline", despite... oh, never mind, I'm not even going to bother going there. Someone else can make the big "o" joke. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleeping with Kibo Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:33:15 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > As everyone knows, dreams are windows into the Kibonia of the mind. > Most dreams follow perfectly Kibological plotlines, like one minute > you're taking the SAT's naked and the next you're on a roller coaster > sitting next to a penguin who is spanking a supermodel-turned-actress, > usually Denise Richards but sometimes Milla Jovovich, depending on which > science fiction movie you watched before going to bed. > > Then you wake up and the dream fades, and the nightmare of Real Life > begins again. I should point out that I don't enjoy roller coasters. I like to bring that up whenever people express horror at the relatively harmless things I _do_ enjoy, whereas other people seem to willingly subject themselves to small amounts of brain trauma on roller coasters. > So it should be no surprise if Kibo himself makes a guest appearance in > your dreams, but nevertheless I was surprised Sunday morning. I was > cooking some chili for him. It was full of spices so I knew he would > like it. HOWEVER! he never got to eat it because some faceless > six-year-old girl knocked the pot off the stove. I spent the rest of > the dream cleaning up the kitchen floor. > > OK, I guess it was partly my fault because I had the pot handle turned > the wrong way but STILL! what the heck was a six year old girl doing in > my dream? She had no right to be there. Clumsy little rugrat. Kibo > never got his chili. Poor Kibo! It's okay, I made chili at the office today. Opened the can myself. Anyway, I'll keep an eye out for the evil faceless child, though I'm not sure how I'd tell her from all the other ones I see. > And the moral of this story is: NEVER WAKE UP. Someday I'm going to learn to break into people's dreams where I will cook chili which is strong enough that it will keep them from ever waking up. Either that or I'm going to start a school for nudists just so I can give people nightmares about showing up to the final exam with their clothes on. -- K. Yosemite Sam says: Keep those pot handles turned in! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Headless Chicken fun Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:45:39 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a great time at the Mike the Headless Chicken Days festivities last > weekend. It was as if a small town celebration went all kibological > around a wacky theme. > > The fun started with a 5K "Run like a chicken with it's head cut off" and > a cooking contest (both of which I missed due to a good movie on the > SciFi channel back at the hotel.) DOES! NOT! COMPUTE! GOOD! MOVIE! ON! SCI! FI! CHANNEL! ERROR! ERROR! EXPLODE! > The real fun for me was when they started the eating contests. They were > done in small groups of contestants rather than total pig-out contests. > They were going to have a hard-boiled egg eating contest, but weren't > able to get enough cooked in time, so they had an egg-juggling contest > instead. Did you win, or did you get to say "RAM IT, CLOWN!" when Bozo just gave you a lousy Bozo beach towel? > Then they help the peep eating contests, and that was a hoot! They had > dozens of small packages of 4 peeps each. The contestants had to tear > open the package and stuff them in their cake hole. Most would stuff the > whole package at a time, then proceed to the next, while trying to chew > and swallow them. Those brave souls that were able to get three in were > the funniest, as 12 peeps won't fit even in the largest mouth, so varying > degrees of half-mangled peeps were hanging out of their mouths. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO RAM YOUR SEXUALITY DOWN OUR THROATS! You filthy peeposexual. > When they got to the Chicken wings contest, I couldn't restrain myself, > so I joined in. We had 20 seconds to eat as many wings as we could. I > represented ARKians well, and won my group with 7 wings. I was glad they > didn't have a run off, since I had basically swallowed the chicken > without chewing it and they were making their presence known. If Anthony Hopkins showed up singing "Chew chew chew, it is the thing to do," I don't want to know about any contests involving seven gallons of yogurt. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO SQUIRT YOUR BAD MOVIES UP OUR BUTTS! > After the contests, we participated in the Chicken Bingo, in which they > had a big cage with several numbered papers taped to the bottom. They > had fed several chickens cat food (which has a laxitive effect on the > poor birds) and placed them into the cages. The first number to get > pooped on was the winner (numbers cost 25 cents each, the winner got > $1.00). Are you saying there are foods which _don't_ cause chickens to poop constantly? > Later they had a polka band playing while a huge group of participants > set a world record for the longest Chicken Dance (I believe it was 27 > minutes or something like that). If I ever hear that stupid song again, > I think I will have to do violence to an accordion. What if you hear it on a kazoo, harmonica, or other relatively non-annoying instrument? What if I do it as off-key Tuvan throat singing? What if I retool a "Chicken Dance Elmo" to sing it Tuvan-style while he stands next to that the 2004 edition of the Elmo doll that dances "Y-M-C-A"? I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TELLING KIDS THE ALPHABET GOES IN THAT ORDER! > As the day went on, it came to my favorite part, the Crusty Family Circus > Spectacular (a side show from Denver). If you ever get a chance, you > need to check them out. They were great entertainers. Fire breathers, > Spikes up the nose, electric chairs, contortionists, Ukalele players, Bed > of Nail layer-oners, etc. Great fun was had by all! There's a bed of nails at Boston's Museum of Science right now. It is a marvel of modern technology. It's pneumatically-activated! You lie on the perforated board and then the nails come up from below to lift you. Unfortunately, it works too well and produces no injuries at all. > They also had some cool jugglers known as the Handsome Little Devils, to > jugglers that were quite entertaining. My favorite part of their act was > when they were bouncing on pogo-sticks that had been modified to shoot > flames, while wearing flaming helmets and juggling burning torches. If Bob Burden and Chris Wink had a child, he would be a Handsome Little Devil. -- K. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP WEARING FLAMING HELMETS! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Acupuncture can help with this? Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 01:09:45 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > A few months ago I got a brochure for the local accupuncturist in my > mailbox and just before it went straight in the bin I saw that it claimed > to help with things such as "severe clumsiness" > and also "difficulty swallowing" and an "overactive gag reflex" - now why > would someone need treatment for those two in particular? My boxes of acupuncture needles haven't arrived yet, so ask again next week, you severely clumsy person with difficulty swallowing, an overactive gag reflex, and crippling pee-shyness. -- K. Hey, here's an idea -- the acupuncturists of the world should ignore the silly charts of "points" and "meridians" and "doohickeys" and just put needles all over your entire body to cure all possible diseases at once. That would even work on diseases that haven't been discovered yet, like implosive diarrhea.