From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 02:48:07 -0400 [from www.ncbuy.com] -> -> 2004-05-04 - Wireless Flash Weird News -> Competitive Eaters Popping On To Film Screens -> -> NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- If a bodybuilder like Arnold -> Schwarzenegger and a wrestler like The Rock can be film stars -> then surely there's a place for a competitive eater named Crazy -> Legs Conti. -> -> He's the subject of "Crazy Legs Conti -- Zen And The Art Of -> Competitive Eating," a documentary premiering tonight (May 4) at -> the Tribeca Film Festival in New York. -> -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel all day every day there's no hockey?" -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". -> Kenneally admits the world of professional eating was hard to -> stomach at first but says filming Conti on a daily basis over a -> six-month period taught him "these men are truly athletes." Yep, the main difference between a competitive eater and Bruce Jenner is the two hundred pounds of flab. That, and also only one of them was the token non-butch guy in a Village People movie. -- K. And then after the premiere, Crazy Legs Conti will go back to his day job, cleaning up the Ground Round by eating all the popcorn kids drop on the floor. (Eww -- Ground Round!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What's grosser than a pile of dead popcorn? The man on the bottom eating his way out! Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 12:35:20 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:: > > > > -> Although Conti could simply bask in the glory of the event, he's > > -> hungering for a challenge. He's going to bury himself in 100 > > -> cubic feet of popcorn and try to eat his way out of the "popcorn > > -> sarcophagus" in time for the 9 p.m. premiere. > > I assume that the popcorn sarcophagus will be perfectly cubical, > 4' 7.699066" on a side, to make it EXACTLY 100 cubic feet, and also > in accordance with the SPOG's Cubical Popcornic Brane Theory. Tell me more about this Scientific Proof Of Gluttony and all types of Cornic Branes. Also remember that popcorn kernels do not pack together very efficiently, therefore a cube 4' 7.699066" on a side would contain less than 100 cubic feet of popcorn and more than 0 cubic feet of air. Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory by being the only person smart enough to ever notice that popcorn kernels are not usually cubes! > > Popped or unpopped popcorn? That makes a big difference in whether > > or not I will find this impressive. If he's buried in warm, fluffy > > popcorn, my response will be "Kinky... but unimpressive," but if > > he's buried in ten tons of rock-hard tooth-breaking indigestible > > Old Maids, my response will be "Why isn't this on every TV channel > > all day every day there's no hockey?" > > I vote for popcorn made of twisted up razor blades. As you bite them, > they bite you back! How about just going to the Dumpster behind a dentist's office and getting a handful of used teeth and mixing them in with all the Old Maids? Also, there should be some deep-fried Lego bricks in there too, because I like the idea of deep-fried Lego bricks. They must fry very well, because they sure don't cook right in the microwave! > > -> Filmmaker Chris Kenneally figures Conti will have to nibble his > > -> way through at least 3 feet of kernels and it will take at least > > -> three or four hours of steady chomping to do it. > > I would like to complain about the scientific accuracy of this story. > What exactly is "3 feet of kernels"? Is it 3 cubic feet? 3 linear feet > by 1 kernel wide? 3 hyper-fifth-dimensional feet? If we assume that > Conti's guts measures about 1 cubic foot, it'd be pretty impressive to > see him eat 3 cubic feet of popcorn made of concrete. Remind me not to wear my "I EAT GLUE" T-shirt near you. > > And just to further torture him, during the three hours of eating > > popcorn, he'll be forced to watch a double feature of "Dungeons & > > Dragons: The Movie" and "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie". > > You bastard. Your appreciation is noted. -- K. I need to buy a DVD of "The Cat In The Hat". The terrible, tragic, gut-punchingly unfunny one that makes anyone who ever had a childhood very, very miserable. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sting's sex life, which is more important than yours Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:24:20 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from news.com.au] > > -> > > -> EVERYONE knows Sting practises epic bouts of tantric sex with his > > -> wife, Trudie Styler, because the couple have often boasted about it. > > -> > > -> But it seems there has been some mistake. What he really meant > > -> was "frantic" sex. > > > > In my view, you can't have one without the other. > > Just like in that special version of "That's Entertainment!" where > Doris Day sang "Sex and frantic, sex and frantic, go together like > horse and tantric!" in a duet with Mr. Ed. You know, it was an outrage > when Hollywood suppressed the Day/Ed biopic of Catherine the Great. That's the second sickest movie ever to be almost released by Hollywood. The record-holder is still that lost "Star Trek" movie, where, after Kirk saw Matt Decker fly his shuttlecraft into the giant alien ice cream cone and then saw Will Decker get electrocuted by a poorly-insulated 1970s NASA probe, he found Albert Dekker in his sonic shower. Of course, Hollywood did a poor job concealing the conspiracy to conceal this movie. For instance, Albert Dekker was born on December 20, 1904 (or 1905) and was found on May 5, 1968 to have committed suicide by tying his hands and feet, gagging and handcuffing himself, hanging himself in the bathroom, and then giving himself lethal injections and writing dirty words all over his own corpse and then stealing his TV set. BUT! William Shatner performed his classic "Get a life!" rant on "Saturday Night Live" on December 20, 1986 -- the day of Dekker's birth but the year of his death with two digits reversed to conceal this important clue that it _might_ not have actually been suicide! William Shatner is wanted for questioning, and not for any other reasons. And that's why "Star Trek: The Most Complicated And Implausible Suicide Ever" never gets shown on any of the TV channels you get. Now, the third sickest movie would of course be that one Joan Crawford paid Fatty Arbuckle to make while she was running the Pepsi-Cola company. But this first instance of a Coke anti-product-placement in a film wasn't quite as sick as Doris Day and the horse or Albert Dekker and William Shatner. -- K. The fourth would be that one where Burgess Meredith got naked. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's pr0n Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:33:16 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Recently, Albertson's introduced a new Shop 'n' Scan device, that lets > customers scan their own grocery bar codes as they shop. No discount > for doing so, either. > > Apparently, they are having to market this to customers who refuse to > use it, because they have these huge posters hanging from the ceiling > now. > > The posters show a female shopper, slightly pretty, holding one of > these devices at shoulder level, and wearing what can only be > described as "a very satisfied expression" on her face. As if she has > confused the Shop 'n' Scan device with one of those *ahem* muscle > massager *ahem* thingies. You know, the ones that don't look like > Hello Kitty. > > The poster text reads, "A new definition of fast in Texas". Still, it's nice to know that Albertson's understands that only women ever buy food. The men are all busy gassing up their cars, because no women ever drive. And the reason the happy female shopper looks so satisfied is that she knows her Shop 'n' Scan gizmo also detects any Communist sympathizers within a six-block radius and automatically summons the FBI, the CIA, the Secret Service, and CONELRAD. In an unrelated story, I'd like to know why nobody other than me has commented on the fact that my local supermarket makes their own "Beef Barely Soup". C'mon, surely someone can think of something to say about that sludge with the skin on top. -- K. I hear Dannon is trying to invent "skin on the bottom" soup. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Albertson's pr0n Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:44:38 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In an unrelated story, I'd like to know why nobody other than me > > has commented on the fact that my local supermarket makes their > > own "Beef Barely Soup". > > Do they make their own "Rich and Hardly Chili" as well? I think they'd be more likely to put ice cubes in it to make chillier. I'm still going to that market more often than any other, even though there's a much closer one -- the closer one has higher prices and a smaller selection and they both are geometrically distorted (one with bizarrely bent aisles, the other in a freakish building.) But one thing's for sure -- I completely ignore the natural-food supermarket directly between the two. It almost makes me wish the stinkly little Calumet market which went out of business -- "Our Most Important Special Is YOU!" -- would come back, because at least I could understand that market. The aisles were linear and the entrance wasn't hidden. But it deserved to go away because the meat aisle smelled like rotting meat and the frozen food wasn't, even though the glass freezer doors had a sign saying to keep them closed "at all times". Why are all the supermarkets here either stinky or lumpy? -- K. And why is food so freakin' expensive? Cheerios should not be a luxury item! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 03:40:36 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > In http://smh.com.au/articles/2004/05/02/1083436476276.html > "The Telegraph" wrote: > -> > -> Relatives remember Leonid Stadnyk as the smallest boy in his class > -> at school. Then he began to shoot up, and 20 years later he has not > -> stopped growing. Standing 2.54 metres tall in his bare feet, Mr > -> Stadnyk, 33, is believed to be, by a considerable distance, the > -> world's tallest living man. The softly spoken giant, who lives in a > -> remote village in Ukraine, is a clear 17.8 centimetres taller than > -> the man now recognised as the Guinness world record holder. > -> > -> Mr Stadnyk suffers from acromegalic gigantism, a condition caused > -> by a tumour on his pituitary gland that makes it produce too much > -> growth hormone. In the past two years he has grown 30 centimetres, > -> and a suit bought in 2002 is already far too small. If his > -> condition is not treated he is likely to become the tallest man in > -> recorded history, beating Robert Pershing Wadlow, from Illinois, > -> who was 2.71 centimetres by the time he died in 1940 at the age of 22. > > Robert Wadlow was 2.71 centimetres tall? As tall as that? Why that's > WELL OVER ONE INCH TALL! HE WAS A GIANT! (Amongst ants). And people > seem to think that mistakes are only made when converting from > Imperial to SI units. Yeah, when I read this article earlier today, the first thing I did was to say to myself, "2.54 meters tall? Wow! I bet he'd be even taller in feet!" So, I got out my little bitty primitive Earth calculator and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. In other words, I have a suspicion that whoever made up this article made the guy exactly 100 inches tall before they sold this work of fiction to the Ukraine so that they could convert it to metric and pretend someone interesting lived in the Ukraine. I wouldn't mind being that tall, though. I'd certainly move to the Ukraine and live right next to Chernobyl if the radiation would help me grow another foot, whether it's the "height" kind of foot or the "toes" kind of foot. But I consulted a mad scientist and he says that for people with my body type, radiation just gives us the power to walk through walls, and that's not nearly as cool as being taller. -- K. At least I'm more than 69 times as tall as Robert Wadlow. (I saw one of his shoes in a mall in Seattle.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 00:04:39 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and multipled 2.54 by 39.37 (number of inches per meter) and lo and > > behold, he's precisely 99.9998 inches tall. > > I'm trying my hardest to invent an excuse not to call the significant > digit police, but I'm still having difficulty imagining a reason to make > fun of people who think 2.54 and 39.37 are either both approximate or > both exact conversion factors (unless, of course, those people are Kibo). They are exact if you've ever worked in the typesetting industry. European machines typically produce exactly 2540 dots per inch, and there are 72.00000 points per inch on the computer, both of which make our lives easier than in the early days when there were 72.27 points per inch and you couldn't measure 10 inches with a 254-millimeter ruler. I'm old enough to remember the transitional era, when CompuGraphic machines measured things in decifeet to give a sort of metric flavor to English units without ever actually contaminating them with icky European units. 100 whatchamacallits equalled 120 inches. All my measurements are exact because I am very precise. You don't want to know what happens when you show up three minutes late to an appointment with me, or worse, if you show up three inches to the left of where I'm expecting you. Oh, and also? You should go see a doctor if your body temperature is not exactly 98.6 degrees, especially if it's not exactly 98.6 Celsius. -- K. You can convert Centigrade to Celsius by adding infinity then dividing by zero then going to 7734 upside down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 01:41:32 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > which make our lives easier than in the early days when there were > > 72.27 points per inch and you couldn't measure 10 inches with a > > 254-millimeter ruler. > > Yeah, those days back when pi was 3.2 were just CRAZY. At Trader Joe's, pi is always 2.99. Hey, I just found out that my computer doesn't know the titles of the tracks on my "Batman" CD. I'd think my computer should be smart enough to figure out the title of any song that has the lyrics "Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman, (John Travolta dances) Batman, Batman, Batman." I don't expect it to know the slightly more difficult song ("They know the name of Batman from Frisco to Maine, fighting on the side of the law, we all rely on you man, doin' it again, when only you can even the score, Batman, Batman, king of all the heroes, we love you for sure!") Nor do I expect my lousy computer to help me convert the Bat-Disc into a zed-ray-deflecting incognitometer physiognomask. Where were we? Oh yes, Trader Joe's. Where nothing is under 2.99 or over 3.99. Twenty pounds of rancid canteloupes? 2.99! A quarter-ounce of imitation nougat? 2.99! Six tons of same? 3.99! THE TITLE IS "BATMAN", DAMMIT! "BATMAN", "BATMAN", "BATMAN"! "BATMAN"! -- K. Only a Bat-Record brings you all this, but beware of some limitations! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: OOPS! There goes another space probe! Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 23:34:03 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At least I'm more than 69 times as tall as Robert Wadlow. > > > > (I saw one of his shoes in a mall in Seattle.) > > My dad met Robert Wadlow in 1939. Wadlow was a spokesperson for some > shoe company that was based in Missouri and he was making personal > appearances for the company. Dad went to see him, and even got a little > notebook from the shoe company. He somehow managed to not get Wadlow's > autograph in that notebook. I'm sure that's what the notebook was for, > although the notebook featured a short cartoon with a cow happily being > led to her death so she could become leather for a shoe. At first the cow was worried that she'd become a seat cover for KITT, but she calmed down once they explained to her that she would be a pretty, pretty shoe. I wouldn't mind becoming leather, myself, but I don't think I want to be a shoe, or anything that might touch David Hasselhoff's butt. > Although the idea of using a very tall man as a freak to advertise for > your shoes is pretty sad. Not if it's the company that makes Elevators. > Especially since the guy died a year later. Well, hopefully they stopped using him then. > Bizarre stuff. I sold the notebook on eBay, so now everyone will > think I'm making this story up just to be cool. POST FEEDBACK OR RETRACT!!! -- K. My pervo-goth platform boots with the 4" heels are the only leather I own that I want to come in contact with the Hasselbutt. They're kicktastic! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.math Subject: Re: laser cooling Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 13:18:52 -0400 Jim Heckman (wnzrfeurpxzna@lnubb.pbz.invalid) wrote: > > Kurt stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I think - pulses associated with lasers can help with laser cooling to > > separate 235 and 238 - like I want 235 to fly around and 238 to fall - I > > use pulses of light going up to get absorbed by 235 and pulses of light > > going down that created stimulated emission of 235 - to help make 235 go > > up and keep flying around - I use pulses of light going down that will > > get absorbed by 238 and pulses of light going up to create stimulated > > emission of 238 to make 238 fall and sit on the ground > > No one cares about this stuff, Kurt. They want to hear about > kissing girl lizards with bodies of animals between their teeth. I think that to make everyone happy Kurt should talk about boy atoms and girl atoms. Boy atoms should kiss girl atoms. But boy atoms should not kiss girl atoms with the mashed-up bodies of electrons between their teeth. Also boy atoms should not kiss boy atoms unless they're gay atoms. All atoms can be split but gay atoms split differently. 238 is the gayest atomic number. Girls and other lizards like to touch my bottom with their lasers. -- K. The reason you never hear about Uranium-236 and -237 is that those isotopes are in jail for stealing cable TV. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: SEND CANDY TO GEORGE Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 19:41:46 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Many people are continually saying things like "George Bush is a > Bozo", or "HAW HAW LOOKIT THAT DUMB THING GEORGE DID!!". But how many > of those people have any ideas of their own? What would you do > differently? THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA, DO YOU? Well here's an > idea: SEND CANDY TO GEORGE! > > Get a nice bag of candy (NO PRETzELS!!!1!) and pop it in the mail to > George W Bush, President, White House, USA, 90210! Once George starts > getting HEAPS AND HEAPS OF CANDY in the mail, he'll start to think > "MMMMM CANDY!". If everybody does it, soon George will have ALL THE > CANDY IN THE WORLD and he won't have worry about anything any more! > > See? Now that's a PLAN! Remember to encourage your friends to SEND > GEORGE CANDY! Because if GEORGE IS HAPPY, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY! Okay, to facilitate this, I will lend a helping hand. Send me all your candy, and once I have acquired all the candy in the world, I will send it to the President, assuming he's still President and not Emperor Of Mars or something by then. Address your candy to: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 Please be sure to write the type of candy on the outside of the package to save me the trouble of opening it if it's something yucky like dark chocolate. How can you people eat that stuff? Oh, that's right, some of you only have the normal number of taste buds. Puny humans! Also, I accept pretzels. -- K. I even accept straight pretzels, though I don't accept the choice they've made. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: fun with my bank Date: Tue, 04 May 2004 20:33:57 -0400 I am a customer of Sovereign Bank New England, which has the same name and logo as Sovereign Bank Mid-Atlantic, though the two insist they have nothing to do with each other. (Mine used to be "Fleet" until Fleet bought BankBoston and had to divest some of their redundant holdings and decided they liked BankBoston's equipment better, so all the old Fleet locations became Sovereign at the same time BankBoston became new Fleet locations.) You may recall that a few years ago I had a run-in with Sovereign Mid-Atlantic where one of their cash machines swallowed my Sovereign New England card and they refused to give it back to me because they hadn't yet cut it up. Anyway, here's exciting news of Sovereign Mid-Atlantic. [from www.dailylocal.com] -> -> Bank vault won't budge -> -> By JILL NAWROCKI , Staff Writer 05/04/2004 -> -> WEST GROVE -- Patrons of Sovereign Bank can rest assured that -> their savings and valuables will remain tightly secured under -> lock and key. -> -> That's because no one -- including locksmiths and branch managers -- -> can get the 100-year-old vault door to budge. Not even Geraldo Rivera? -> According to communications manager Carl Brown, the historic -> vault at the West Grove branch office in southern Chester County -> has been tightly sealed since early last week -- leaving customers -> with the ultimate feeling of security. I can only feel secure when all my money is nowhere near any branch of Sovereign Bank. (Sadly, there are only two other large banks in Boston -- Fleet and Citizens -- and I hate both of them just as much.) -> Brown said the bank has brought in a contractor to help rectify -> the problem, one he said has inconvenienced just 10 of the local -> customers. Yeah, it's a good thing only some people might need their money. Sovereign, the bank for people who don't give a damn if they ever see their money again. -> [...] -> -> John, a customer at Sovereign bank who refused to give his last -> name, said issues with the old-fashion vault could cause real -> problems for those who store valuables in the branch's safe -> deposit boxes located inside the walk-in vault. Well, it was stupid of the bank to put the safe-deposit boxes inside their security perimeter! They should have put them on the outside of the building! Or better yet, they should just let the customers keep the safe-deposit boxes in their own homes! -> "If someone needed their passport to go out of town this weekend -> or wanted to leave the country, this could turn into an insane -> thing," he said. -> -> According to the customer, bank members keep not only money, but -> also personal items in the huge vault -- one that has been -> operating efficiently for at least 100 years. How come reporters never ask _me_ to explain the concept of a bank vault? Tune in next week to read about the reporter's attempts to learn how a telephobe works, providing Mr. Whoopee can explain it with the three-dee blackboard and almost no animation. -- K. A teaser for the Channel 56 news on my TV right now: "Children being treated with anti-depressants are getting younger and younger!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New Hair Color Day! Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 02:07:24 -0400 Okay, so my Barneyesque purple-magenta hair had faded to a sort of dark puce as blackish hair grew in under it, and the bright blue mustache was starting to get a little green around the edges as it gradually rinsed out, so tonight I bleached my hair to redo the dye. At the moment I have my typical in-between hair, blond with orange highlights (the overall effect is a sort of luminous goldenrod.) The mustache has a subtle sky blue sheen remaining. So, my currently available choices for the new dye job: * Divine Wine. This is what I just bleached out of my hair. * Blue Haired Freak. This is what was in my mustache. * Electric Lava. Brilliant fluorescent orange. * Tiger Lily. Bright orange. * Hot Lava. Haven't used it yet, it seems to be a dark orange. * Cherry Bomb. Blood red. * and the red-orange mixture of Infra Red and Tiger Lily I had used last month. I'm thinking I'd like to try blue hair, but since the color doesn't bleach out completely, and seems to fade rather fast, doing my whole head with the Blue Haired Freak might be somewhat limiting if I get tired of the blue fast (the purple was starting to wear on me a little, I'd rather go to a red or orange now.) I might have enough Electric Lava to do my whole head (maybe with the darker Hot Lava for the beard) which is an attractive option, or maybe I'll try Cherry Bomb. Currently I have to wait a few hours for my bleached hair to dry and my scalp to recover from all this abuse, so in the meantime, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. I'll make a snap decision which color to go with after I watch a bunch of TV. -- K. I better not watch "UFO". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 00:08:51 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Currently I have to wait a few hours for my bleached hair to dry > > and my scalp to recover from all this abuse, so in the meantime, > > if you have any suggestions, please let me know. > > Have you considered going GREY and claiming senior citizens discounts > at the hairdressers? Hairdressers? You think I need to _pay_ someone to touch my beautiful hair? Anyway, I just dyed my hair Electric Lava, with the beard in Hot Lava, which is very slightly darker. So now my whole head looks like radioactive slag, except for the eyes which look like lead. It's a great look. My hair is the color of the coils inside your toaster. I am so much cooler than you. And you can toast bagels by rubbing them on my head! -- K. The electric lava's got me by the brain bagel. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:12:59 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > And you can toast bagels by rubbing them on my head! > > Yes, but MAY I toast bagels by rubbing them on your head? You may... for a price. The price of... your immortal soul! Or, if you don't have one, write "immortal soul" on a three-by-five-inch piece of paper and send it to the Quizno's corporation. > I've been thinking of a few other things I'd like to toast by > rubbing them on your head, as well, but I'd like to run them by you first: > > * Frosted strawberry Pop Tarts with multicolored confetti sprinkles Permitted. > * An English muffin with a slice of chee^H^H^H^H tomato on top Acceptable, if there is no chee backspace backspace backspace backspace. Chee that has been backspaced over is still toxic. > * A frozen Eggo waffle, preferably one of those ones that's stuffed with > something or that has Mickey Mouse embossed on it Acceptable. > * One of Talysman's burritos I withhold my decision until I find out whether his idea of Mexican food includes chee. > * Two slices of low-carb bread Allowed. > * A chocolate croissant from Panera Definitely allowed, if uncontaminated by chee. There's a Japanese bakery near work that sells what it calls doughnuts, filled with beef curry. Mmmmmmmm. These are beautiful little round rolls which are then briefly deep-fried so that they have a chewy brown crust but they're still squishy inside. Close enough to be called a doughnut, and the curried beef filling just sweetens the deal. And they're geometrically perfect and unblemished and richly visually textured and just beautiful. I enjoy a good texture. > Please get back to me as soon as possible, as I'm going grocery shopping > this afternoon, and I need to make a list. Real men don't shop with a list, unless they're going to a manly store, like Home Depot or PetSmart. -- K. "Excuse me, do you have man-size lollipops? All I see are child-size and clown-size." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Hair Color Day! Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 00:54:29 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Or, if you don't have one, write "immortal soul" on a three-by-five-inch > > piece of paper and send it to the Quizno's corporation. > > I propose that everyone reading this newsgroup does just that, > regardless of whether they toast bagels on Kibo's head, or not. I hearily endorse this game. Quizno's, by the way, is the same as Subway, except that all their sandwiches have melted cheese on them instead of cold cheese, and also they're worth more in Scrabble. They recently opened one across the street from my office. One day last week, there was a guy dressed as a drink cup standing outside the new Quizno's for no reason that I could determine other than that it might have been cheaper than making a costume shaped like a grilled-cheese sandwich. Or maybe the store's manager just had an "Aqua Teen Hungerforce" fetish. I was tempted to grab a garden hose and fill the guy's cup-shaped costume with ice water just to get him into character. Either that or just kick him in the crotch while yelling, "Looks like you wore the wrong kind of cup today!" What is it about costumed advertising characters who are paid to stand around outside businesses pointlessly that makes all normal humans want to hurt them? And why isn't it legal? -- K. Quizno's is just like Spencer Gifts, except with more melted cheese and fewer things you're supposed to rub on your penis. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The secret code is: BC 315. Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 01:14:32 -0400 So, I order most of my CDs and DVDs from Canada to save money, because things are cheaper under Communist economies. One CD in particular just arrived today. I won't mention what soundtrack CD this is, but let's just say I was expecting the little booklet to contain at least one photo of Brian Blessed in tiny leather shorts. (It didn't. Guess the graphic designer liked Timothy Dalton better.) When I was opening the CD, I noticed this scrawled across the back of the plastic wrapper: B C 3 1 5 It was written with a white grease pencil, in angular lettering suggesting Jonny Hart's attempts at caveman-era English. My question is: Does the "BC 315" on this album have any relationship to the unfunny comic strip about Jesus-quoting cavemen living in the time Before Christ? Or does the extra-angular "BC 315" signify something even more important, such as "Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth"? -- K. And what's with that lyric about "No-one but the pure in heart may eat those Golden Grahams, oh those Golden Grahams"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This Monkey's going to Heaven! Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 02:10:39 -0400 Paradigm Fert (koshsez2del33t@hotmail.nz) wrote: > > It is a well known fact that a photographer can steal part of your soul. > This is why people refer to having your photo "taken", and also why so > many people have a natural aversion to it. However, how many of you have > considered the theological implications of this? It is a virtual backdoor > to Heaven! Check out the plan: > > -Show your EVIL side. > -Someone photographs your EVIL side. > -Repeat as needed. > > By this method, the EVIL part of your soul will be chipped away, > leaving a fresh, healthy GOOD soul. Butbutbutbut whaddif I have two evil sides? And what if they're both evil in a good way? > The important thing to remember is that someone could be taking your > picture at almost any time. Therefore, try to look EVIL as much as > possible. One doesn't try to look evil. One _is_ evil, or one is just a loser. It's like trying to look cool. Trying to be cool makes you the opposite of cool. And trying to look evil just makes you Mike Myers in "The Cat In The Hat", in other words, pathetic, hideously repulsive, and more irritating than a candiru dipped in wasabi! > Everytime you co outside, get your EVIL on. Ladies, after you apply > your makeup, apply your EVIL. If you really can't do the EVIL thing > everyday, at least cover up your GOOD with a bandanna, or a gas mask, > or something that stops it leaking out. If anyone wants to get into heaven without trying, I'll duct-tape their face for free! -- K. Any religious controversy can be solved with duct tape! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orkut data leak Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:20:54 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > I agree that although the World Wide Web has become very popular, > USENET is still more bacon-y. Usenet is baconliciously bacon-blasted with bacony baconness. Bacontronic technology ensures that year after year, Usenet stays bacontastic, bacontacular, and bacontarded. In the real world, dogs don't know it's not bacon. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. On Usenet, dogs know it _is_ bacon! -- K. Still expecting to soon see bumper stickers that say "According to Orkut, I have 47 friends, losers!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Universal Studios Theme Park Florida Date: Fri, 07 May 2004 15:31:15 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > 1) The employees were 100 percent wonderful. All the ones I encountered > deserve raises. (The comic book shop employee -actually- knew comic book > trivia!) You mean like "Who's the biggest dork who's ever been in your comic book shop?" > 2) The food was fan-friggin'-tastic. I expected the Captain America Diner > to have fast-food quality hamburgers but I got twenty-bucks a plate quality > hamburgers. For fast food prices. And after a luxurious meal at the Captain America Diner, head on over to the Wonder Woman Whorehouse! Or didn't you get to the good parts of the park? > 3) The chairs and tables in the 'Cat In The Hat' ride could use a > scrubbing down with a wet washcloth. When you can see the dirt while > literally spinning by, something is wrong. Like there wasn't already something wrong with Mike Myers claiming to be the Cat In The Hat despite being obnoxious and unfunny and evil and looking like some creepy pervert with fake fur glued to his face? So what's the "Cat In The Hat: The Movie" ride like? Ninety minutes of Mike Myers holding you down and making you watch while he shits on everything you've ever loved? > 4) The Posedion's Adventure is so damn cool. I preferred "The Accordion Adventure", where the ship kept getting smaller. Of course "Star Wars" ripped it off for that scene where Kirk and Picard got trapped in the trash compactor with Jar-Jar and Mike Myers, but what're you gonna do? -- K. Then Jar-Jar and The Cat In The Hat got married and gave birth to the most annoying thing in the world. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Universal Studios Theme Park Florida Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 04:19:36 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then Jar-Jar and The Cat In The Hat > > got married and gave birth to the > > most annoying thing in the world. > > I met that, it was in line in front of us. So how long did it take you to realize it was never going to move because you were waiting to get into a mirror? HAW HAW! I ZINGED SOMEONE WHO HAD A GOOD TIME AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK! -- K. Today's graphic-arts challenge: Draw Dr. Seuss versions of those torture photos from Iraq where small-brained Lynndie England is standing in that weird Grinch pose while she points at genitals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new rule set for the kibo groups Date: Sat, 08 May 2004 02:57:21 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology and alt.edgar, "O Brother, Where Art |3iff?" (senile.crackhead@ccountry.net.invalid.you-silly.little-arse.star) wrote: > > there is only ONE rule: > > you may not post unless i say that you may. SHUT UP AND BRING ME THE FUCKING WHIP. > okay, you may post now... And you may cry for your mommy but she ain't coming. > -- > I think I've got the hang of it now... > :w > :q > :wq > :wq! > ^d > X > exit > X > Q > :quitbye > CtrlAltDel > ~~q > :~q > logout > save/quit > :!QUIT > ^[zz > ^[ZZ > ZZZZ > ^H > ^@ > ^L > ^[c > ^# > ^E > ^X > ^I > ^T > ? > help > helpquit > ^D > ^d > ^C > ^c > helpexit > ?Quit > ?q > ^Kx > /QY > sync > ;halt Your shameful attempt at trollery is ruined by the way you repeated "X", wasting my time which is so much infinitely more valuable than yours. Also, you did not even come close to guessing the day's safeword. The duck ain't coming down for you. Do you know what a "steamroller wedgie" is? -- K. PUNY BUG, YOU GO SQUISH NOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new rule set for the kibo groups Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:17:07 -0400 [Why do people keep trying to turn everything into "Dungeons & Dragons" references? Isn't that game just for nerds who are smarter than us?] Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > SHUT UP AND BRING ME THE FUCKING WHIP. > > Kibo has been reading the Book of Vile Darkness!!1! Run away!!11 Um, yeah, "reading" it, that's all I've been doing. And just "playing" "Dungeons & Dragons". And finding "treasure". In leather "armor". I have a blessed +50,000 cattle prod. I WIN. > Hong "insert nipple clamps --> HERE <--" Ooi "Insert"? You want them used internally? On the back sides of the nipples? (Don't worry too much about your answer, since it won't make any difference in what happens next.) -- K. Short shameful confession: I had to look up "The Book Of Vile Darkness" on Amazon.com to learn that maybe there actually are references to Satanism in "Dungeons & Dragons", at least in the expansion rules. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go check the price of "The Science Of Harry Potter." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How come you folks don't love me more than everyone else combined? Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 00:57:00 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish Popeye would die already. > > Have I mentioned the CA Popeye sighting? He's apparently been > the spokesmutant for some sort of womenandchildren shelter that > you can support by using anti-coupons at the grocery store checkout. > Anyway, he's saying "Help keep Bay Area families strong to the > finish!", which is at least a LITTLE bit odd sounding, I mean, they > want us to be thinking about the finish? Anyway, there's also something > odd about the way he looks (other than that he's a freakish-looking > steroid-abusing sailor), and it took me a while to realize that he > DOESN'T HAVE HIS PIPE! Because, I suppose, the pipe which he nearly > never smoked out of sends the wrong message to kids, which is "Hey, > kids, if you had a pipe you could open cans of spinach with it!". Didn't you hear? A year or two ago he quit spinach and switched to drinking orange juice and he claims the orange juice is what made him turn gay, not his randy three-way romp with Bluto and Brutus. And because Popeye's gay, he doesn't smoke a corncob pipe, he just carries a little blowtorch in his pocket in case he needs to make creme brulee in an emergency for an equator-crossing party. I know Popeye's gay, 'cause Yosemite Sam said so -- he can tell from the taste. -- K. Also, there's something between the Pink Panther and the Great Grape Ape. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Anyone seen my glove? Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 01:16:49 -0400 Hey! I lost one of my favorite two leather gloves at the Museum Of Science today, sometime after I fondled the plasma ball but before I walked past the gift shop to avoid buying the book "The Science Of Harry Potter". So if anyone sees a black leather glove lying around, please send it to me because if I were to wear just one glove, I would look like a weirdo who is Michael Jackson, and I don't have any other good black leather gloves to wear, as the two pairs I ordered with the lead weights sewn into the knuckles haven't arrived yet. You don't even have to send me my glove, just send me a leather glove that fits my extra-large hand and matches the other one exactly and since I don't remember whether I lost the left one or the right one, please send me one of each. Send gloves here: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 ...you know, the same place you sent all the candy in the world before I started killing, in alphabetical order, everyone who didn't send me their candy. (People whose names start with "B", I better get your candy by Monday.) -- K. Oh, also, I want a planetarium projector and six infinitely long strips of bacon, one of them rolled into a Moebius strip. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: All hail our future weblog/Social Software overlords! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:34:04 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [concerning certain Web sites] > > Also, there are some people who have really, really interesting things > to say, but unfortunately they have to go elsewhere to say them. That's > just my theory, which may be as cursed as the theory I have about > Michael Jackson's underwear. Stacia, "theory" and "screensaver" aren't the same thing. Now to say something interesting here. Oh, um... Hmm. (jams hand into armpit to make unrealistic fart noises) Aw, shucks. Isn't it interesting how you can't think of anything interesting to say when you want to be interesting but your brain is all filled with reruns of episodes of "Quark" where Ficus says "Now we wait for the bee!" and you're glad you paid extra to get a Sony DVD player that _can't_ play Video CDs of those episodes of that terrible, tragic show? Also, why isn't the government investigating my allegations of abuse at Ringling Brothers? I hear those clowns frequently humiliate each other by throwing pies at human faces, and sometimes even brutally spraying each other with unheated seltzer! Wait, that wasn't interesting, just politically incorrect in a mild, predictable contrarian way in a failed attempt to be provocative due to a misunderstanding that provocativeness is automatically interesting when it isn't even as interesting as overanalyzing the reasons why it isn't interesting. But maybe politics does provide a model to study the rare phenomenon of interestingness: We could draw a Nolan Graph where home plate is "interesting", the pitcher's mound is "uninteresting", second base is "disinteresting", first base is "filler", and third base is "go directly to jail". (Michael Jackson's underwear is touching third base.) -- K. I apologize for failing to be undisinteresting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's wedgie time! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 04:48:20 -0400 Two brief news items: * The first person to read this gets a wedgie. * The last person to read this gets to give me a wedgie. This is not a pyramid scam. It actually works! Especially since I'll be sure this article gets into various archives so that people will still be reading it long after I'm too dead to care about wedgies. I like typing the word "wedgie". It has a funny "dg" in it like "fudge" and "budgetel" and "gunge" if you spell "gunge" only slightly wrong. Otherwise, I don't know why I'm posting this besides the opportunity to type "dg" sounds and give someone a massive wedgie that goes beyond atomic wedgies into the realm of superstring wedgies. Also, I'm safe because my logic is 100% wedgie-proof. -- K. So who's the lucky first reader? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 06:31:21 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Two brief news items: > > > > * The first person to read this gets a wedgie. > > > > * The last person to read this gets to give me a wedgie. > > 'BRIEF'! I GET IT! Hooray! Zixia gets it! And it's definitely going to be beyond atomic! Maybe even beyond a quantum wedgie into the realm of wedgies even Einstein never imagined! > > So who's the lucky first reader? > > Do you promise to goose me when you perform the wedgie? You're ruining it for me by enjoying this. Are you suffering from wedgiemania because you're Jon Lovitz? If so, you should get Alan Zweibel to write more half-hour specials for you like the one about the baseball player whose head injury makes it difficult for him to slide into home head-first. -- K. As yet, there are no reports of American soldiers giving Iraqi prisoners wedgies. However, I understand that on next week's "Star Trek: Enterprise", Scott Bakula faces the moral dilemma of whether to save his ship by giving a Reptilian Xindi an antimatter wedgie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:05:21 -0400 Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hooray! Zixia gets it! And it's definitely going to be beyond atomic! > > Maybe even beyond a quantum wedgie into the realm of wedgies even > > Einstein never imagined! > > A quantum wedgie can only occur when there are two slits for the > underwear to pass through, which is certainly not a mental image I need... But the Many-Wedgies Interpretation says that for every moment when you're _not_ getting a massive quantum wedgie that stretches the fabric of space-time over your head, an alternative Universe is automagically created where you are not only receiving a massive quantum wedgie, you're enjoying it and also all clocks run backwards so every night you have to glue a packet of beard stubble all over your face so it can be absorbed into your body and if you don't do that then nothing will get absorbed into your face, making the backwards Universe logically inconsistent. Of course, for every moment when you _are_ getting a wedgie like that, not only does this create a parallel Universe where you're getting candy and balloons and no wedgie, but the wedgie itself makes you hallucinate that all this makes sense, and then you win an Imaginary Nobel Prize which lasts until the wedgie ends. -- K. It's too bad Douglas Adams is dead enough that I can't ghostwrite for him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's wedgie time! Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 00:50:01 -0400 Mike Helland (mhelland@techmocracy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, for every moment when you _are_ getting a wedgie like that, > > not only does this create a parallel Universe where you're getting > > candy and balloons and no wedgie, but the wedgie itself makes you > > hallucinate that all this makes sense, and then you win an Imaginary > > Nobel Prize which lasts until the wedgie ends. > > And for some strange reason, this alternate universe is completely > white except for 3 colored lines and the words "it of the loo" visible > at all times. Then, Sean Connery dresses up as purple grapes and Richard Simmons dressed up as green grapes and they hop out of Harvey Korman's underpants and start chanting "THE PEN IS GOOD! THE SWORD IS EVIL!" because in this alternate Universe, the pen isn't mightier than the sword, which is why civilization was destroyed during the war of the sexes when then men tried to defend themselves with old-timey squirty fountain pens while the women chopped them up with swords. Then after that there was just mud-wrestling, stock footage of daphnia, and sweating to the oldies. It was the third worst Sean Connery movie ever! -- K. Then Neil Connery comes in and wrestles Frank Stallone and Clint Howard, but then they all rip off their masks to reveal that they're all really Michael Kaufman. (Happy 20th anniversary, Andy! See you on the 16th. I'll bring the fudge and duct tape.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:36:45 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > The more I think about it, the more interesting the whole idea of > someone being nice in ark becomes. It isn't easy to google for[1], > and I'd rather suffer Kibo's tortures than read all the archives > for the years I've missed, but the odds are it hasn't been tried > here before. JOT! New Improved Double-Locking Kontext-Away shall remember the middle part of the second sentence for future use. Kontext-Away stuffs the concept of you preferring an evening of wacky torture in its wallet so as not to lose it, then returns to its protective eggcrate-foam-padded carrying case that disguises it as something harmless like a power drill. > [1] It's technically shameful that google doesn't yet implement > searching for abstract qualities on writing. I know, they haven't even implemented my crude little system of sorting articles based on the IQ of the author as determined from certain statistical tests. By the way, I apologize for not replying to you sooner. -- K. And I _am_ being nice! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AUGH!!!! IT ARE BACK!!! KIBO SMASH!!! Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:02:32 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, I apologize for not replying to you sooner. > > That's OK, I know that keeping Seth clean, dusted and properly polished > takes a lot of your time these days. That reminds me, time to polish him -- he needs to go for another ride in the rock tumbler. > > And I _am_ being nice! > > Which would explain why this post is far shorter than your average > minor essay! I tailor the simplicity of my responses to the simplicity of my audience. -- K. "Minor"? Someone's cruisin' for a staplin'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Best spam subject line today Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 14:52:40 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Subject: Your university diploma Entropy, hole puncher tea parties "Waah!" screamed Einstein as his university diploma began to glow red for no reason, then inevitably burst into flame. "Entropy has caused me to lose the proof that I am smart! Now I'm just an ordinary everyday dropout like Chris Rock and Bill Gates!" He cried and cried, so to calm him down, his collection of Beanie Babies threw him a tea party. But they didn't have any pretend tea, so they substituted real hole punchers. "Ow!" screamed Einstein as he tried to drink a hole puncher and it made a little circle through his lip. He bled all over his Beanie Babies, lowering their resale value from pointless to worthless. THE END. -- K. I went to the Einstein exhibit at the Museum Of Science yesterday, and now I knew everything he did! Now I'm an expert at revatility, and at concealing the existence of illegitimate daughters! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: 7 signs of a bad daycare Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 16:36:09 -0400 I saw this msn.com headline in the corner of an otherwise unrelated window, attempting to get me to read an important piece of consumer education: -> -> 7 signs of a bad daycare ...but it would have taken too much effort to click on the link, so instead I just wrote the entire article. THE ONLY SEVEN SIGNS OF A BAD DAYCARE ------------------------------------- 1.) The children are covered with semi-fossilized coprolites, fewmets, and coelacanth doots. 2.) Building has been on fire longer than a day without anyone noticing. 3.) The decor is dominated by giant revolving holograms of Michael Jackson's head. 4.) The daycare center is located inside a nuclear reactor's core. 5.) The head caregiver has prosthetic arms with ten constantly-spinning drill bits instead of fingers. 6.) The kids' names are misspelled on their dog food bowls. 7.) They inform you that if, for any reason, you are not satisfied, you will receive 50% of your child back. IF YOUR DAY CARE CENTER HAS SIX OR MORE OF THESE PROBLEMS, IT MIGHT BE BAD. MICROSOFT BRAND DAYCARE IS GUARANTEED TO HAVE ONLY FIVE OF THESE PROBLEMS. CLICK HERE TO MAIL THIS ARTICLE. CLICK HERE TO MAIL YOUR TODDLER TO US. I probably could've thunk up another three to fifty items for the list, but msn.com's target audience doesn't have the attention span for being told to look for more than seven types of infernos, molesters, or scams, so I stopped after the one about how it's not always good to have your children torn in half. -- K. #8 would have been something about an unsupervised swimming pool filled with a mixture of Drano and Ebola. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 7 signs of a bad daycare Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 20:09:31 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE ONLY SEVEN SIGNS OF A BAD DAYCARE > > ------------------------------------- > > > > 1.) [...] > > > > 2.) [...] > > > > 3.) [...] > > > > 4.) [...] > > > > 5.) [...] > > > > 6.) [...] > > > > 7.) [...] > > wot? no Jar-Jar? Not even an Ewok or even Muffet. However, I think Mike Myers as the Cat In The Hat might have been made into one of the shag carpets at one of the more mediocre day-care centers. > (a second-hand shop here has a six-foot Jar-Jar that they're *never* > gonna shift while they're asking for a coupla hundred for it. I try > to avoid going there, just in case I step within 40m of it and get > infected with Jar-Jar cooties.) Jar-Jar cooties can jump further than that. I know. I once stood amid twelve trash cans directly between Jar-Jar and Anson "Potsie" Williams and the Jar-Jar cooties jumped all the way over my head to land on Potsie, where they died. Then the Potsie cooties jumped over both me and Jar-Jar to land on the button that activated Lazlo, The Death Robot, who opened a day-care center. He named it "Emotionless Expanse, A Facility For The Restraint Of Human Offspring." Then he got rich and bought himself a gun which, no matter which direction it was pointed, always shot Jar-Jar. It was the best birthday ever! What color was the bear whose birthday it was? -- K. And how did he dance? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:13:44 -0400 "leo sgouros" (hpappas@comcast.net) wrote: > > Someone named George Love wants to send me a screwbean connector. > I already have plenty of those, so if anyone needs any ignore > George Love and come to me for the best deals on screwbean connectors. Bitter gourd plants make an even more efficient connector for wires and cables. I killed mine something like five years ago and I'm still trying to untangle the mess it made of the electronics in that corner of my apartment. I gotta admit, screwbean mesquite trees really do product the screwiest beanpods I've ever seen. But back to the subject, I think "Screwbean Connector" would be a good title for Interrobang Cartel's next double album, especially if Ray Bradbury sings on any of the tracks. Also there should be at least one photo of Brian Blessed in the booklet. -- K. I want pizza. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:48:33 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I want pizza. > > > > You may not have any pizza. Pizza is for the cheese, and you refuse > > to eat the cheese. You are a strange and bad man. > > Soak pizza base in hot sauce. Cover in lightly fried bacon until > pizza base can no longer be found. Add more hot sauce on top. YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! EVEN THOUGH YOU LEFT OUT THE WHITE CASTLE PATTIES! > Leave in oven for 5 minutes or until hunger will no longer be denied. Actually, I usually overcook everything by 30 to 90 minutes because the Internet and TV and books exist. It's a good thing I like my meat crunchy. > > (A double or triple cheese girl, her ownseff.) > > Oh yeah, baby! Take the cheese! Take it all! Darla can take my cheese away any time! In fact, I might let her take much more than that! -- K. I AM GOING OUT TO BUY PIZZA SHELLS RIGHT NNNNNOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 22:40:35 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > [...] hot sauce [...] fried bacon [...] more hot sauce [...] > > > > YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! > > You're doing it again, Kibo. You're liking people who are really just > not at all likeable, even those why try to be Not Liked In All CAPS, > because you are too nice. It pisses me the fuck off when you are nice. > Stop being nice. If you want anyone to really be afraid of you, you > can't just look mean. You must BE mean. But, Stacia, I didn't say I liked him. I used the word "love". And my kind of love isn't "nice". Are you honestly saying that if I said "I love you," you wouldn't run away screaming? > Didn't "Mr Roger's Neighborhood" teach you anything? Yes. It taught me that seemingly innocent neighborhood trolleys are secretly controlled by Michael Keaton. And if Michael Keaton put on a black rubber suit and said "I love you," you better believe I'd run away screaming. -- K. They never aired the episode where Mr. Rogers invited me on the show, and, instead of riding the Keaton-controlled trolley, I just arrived by walking across the miniature landscape, crushing hundreds of innocent toy houses. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 00:40:15 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you honestly saying that if I said "I love you," you wouldn't > > run away screaming? > > I. AM. SO. TORN. Oops! Sorry. I've never inserted one of these before. Note to self, next time, the small end goes in first. > If I answer honestly, the other kids will tease me on the playground. > If I try to be funny, I'll hurt someone's feelings, because my humor is > a dull single-edged sword of cynicism. > > Sigh. Why don't you just lie? I do it all the time. In fact, at this very moment, I am lying! > So I'm just going to go eat a Pop-Tart and pretend I didn't hear > anything, mmmkay? Mmmkay. What flavor of Pop-Tart? This is very important. -- K. Don't just eat the Pop-Tart, take a magical journey through a cardboard mountain smeared with grainy jam and drizzled with Elmer's brand frosting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 20:20:47 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > I want pizza. > > > > > > > > You may not have any pizza. Pizza is for the cheese [...] > > > > > > Soak pizza base in hot sauce. Cover in lightly fried bacon until > > > pizza base can no longer be found. Add more hot sauce on top. > > > > YES! YES! YES! I LOVE YOU NOW! > > Well, of course. So it looked like it was going to rain so I didn't want to go very far in my leathers and thus instead of going to the Prudential Shaw's (which has fresh pizza dough and pizza shells) I had to go to the local Stop & Shop which only had canned pizza dough. You know, the stuff that tastes like a pretzel with athlete's foot and can only be unrolled into a tiny pizza the shape of the continental United States. I covered it with hot sauce as best as I could -- I had a large twelve- ounce bottle that was only about 3/8 full, which wasn't adequate to cover the crust, so I added a few ounces of tomato sauce. Then I covered the thing with an entire package of bacon. I had also bought some ham and some White Castles but the bacon seemed to be enough, especially on the little canned pizza shaped like it was about to yell, "Hey, Europe, eat my Florida!" Well, the crust tasted soggy and like canned chemicals, and t'weren't nearly enough hot sauce on it, so I only ate half the pizza, though of course I did eat all the bacon off the other half. Bacon that's been roasted in hot sauce is goooooooood. > > EVEN THOUGH YOU LEFT OUT THE WHITE CASTLE PATTIES! > > If we put slices of Spam in with the bacon it would even get us back > ON TOPIC! Spam is like ham except with the texture of leather and the flavor of Play-Doh, only with more salt and kerosene. > > I AM GOING OUT TO BUY PIZZA SHELLS RIGHT NNNNNOW! > > Report awaited. I just remembered I left some popcorn chicken in the oven. Gotta go. -- K. P.S. Eat my Wyoming. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: spam o' the day Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 17:30:50 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want pizza. > > You may not have any pizza. I am going to have pizza because I want to and you're not the boss of me. > Pizza is for the cheese, and you refuse to eat the cheese. I refuse to eat the cheese because I can't eat cheese and because it's hard to eat the nonexistent cheese that isn't on my pizzas. Surely the rules don't require me to eat what I can't because it isn't. > You are a strange and bad man. Yes, I am being very bad, and there's nothing you can do about it. > -=D=- > (A double or triple cheese girl, her ownseff.) Weirdo. -- K. Also, I like my pizzas to have extra Noid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If this had happened to me, I'd be typing this while dead. Date: Sun, 09 May 2004 21:56:17 -0400 [from the Montreal Gazette via www.canada.com] -> -> Bag contained explosive surprise -> -> May 9, 2004 -> -> A routine safety test at the Pierre Elliott Trudeau airport went -> monumentally wrong after an airport employee placed explosives in -> a passenger's luggage, but failed to remove them before he left -> the airport. -> -> In an effort to test sniffer dogs at the airport Friday, an -> employees slipped TNT, hidden in a jar of jam, into a passenger's -> luggage, instead of other baggage normally used during tests. -> -> Before the package could be removed, the passenger, who arrived -> on an international flight, picked up his luggage, passed through -> customs and security checks, and left. Given that whenever I arrive in Canada, I'm given the Level 1 customs/security check, followed by the Level 2 security/immigration check, followed by the Level 3 search/interrogation check, followed by the Level 4 having-a-bag-put-over-the-head/beaten-with-truncheons check, I'm happy that the evil Canadian government never thought to plant a jelly jar of gelignite in my luggage. If this had happened to me, I predict that I would have been dissected on the spot to look for microdots containing evidence that I wasn't really an Ottawa Senators fan. -> It was only when he arrived at a friend's house in Magog that he -> discovered the package, labelled "dynamite," and called police, -> who contacted the bomb squad. Because it lacked a detonator, the -> TNT was harmless. -> -> It appears the dog handler mixed up the luggage, airport -> officials said. As long as we always lose the terrorists' luggage, everything will be okay. -> They couldn't explain how the passenger passed through customs -> and security without being detected. An investigation is planned. -> -> Since the World Trade Centre attacks, the federal government has -> spent more than $7 billion to upgrade national security. Given how bad the Canadian federales were to be _before_ September 2001, I hate to think what size anal probe they're going to give me on my next visit. -- K. Also, I need to remember to stop carrying jam around with me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Politics) What I Don't Understand Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 02:50:35 -0400 [on the shocking revelation that during wars, prisoners get mistreated] Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [...] Also there has been some trouble with people > trying to take pictures of other soldiers in the shower. Yeah, those newfangled digital cameras keep shorting out unless you get a waterproof military model designed specifically for photographing grunts showering. Ask for Sony's new ShowerShot with the CrotchGrabber lens. > It's just like M*A*S*H but 1000 times less wacky! It's like B*D*S*M but 1500 times less wacky! -- K. Torture technology has advanced considerably since the Korean War, except it's still hard to find a really comfortable set of testicle electrodes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Recipe of the week: Clay-Doh Cookies, with a twist of pica Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 03:21:14 -0400 [from www.nytimes.com] -> -> May 5, 2004 -> -> Deepening Poverty Breeds Desperation in Haiti -> By LYDIA POLGREEN -> -> PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti, May 4 - The pile of garbage behind the spot -> where Marie Joseph sells tins of tomato paste started out small, -> the usual primordial goo that coats this grimy capital's streets, -> binding a putrid melange. And by going to Famous Writers School (via matchbook cover) you, too, can learn to write like the New York Times! -> But in the two months since President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, -> Haiti's first democratically elected leader, was forced from -> power by an armed rebellion, the pile has swelled like a -> rapacious tumor. I'm not sure if it counts as a mixed metaphor because I don't know whether or not tumors normally go around raping people. But if they do, we'll have to revise one of the world's lamest jokes: "TUMOR! TUMOR!" "Don't you mean 'RAPE!'?" "No, there was a BUNCH of them!" -> [...] -> -> Skeptical Haitians view the unelected government and its foreign -> backers with a suspicion as brittle as the clay biscuits they now eat. Okay, that was the sentence that made this article worth reading. It seems like this sentence should have been the entire article. Here is how that article should have been written according to every journalism class I ever took: HAITI SO FUCKED THEY'RE EATING DIRT NEW YORK TIMES - MAY 5, 2004 Haiti is so fucked that they're eating dirt. They are eating dirt because their country is so fucked. Dirt is found in most poor countries. --30-- The article in question is accompanied by a photo of a woman with a bucket of light gray clay, smearing it in circular patches on a sidewalk for the sun to dry the clay into delicious tasty cement cookies. The caption even gives us the recipe: -> A woman in Fort Dimanche laying out biscuits to dry, biscuits made -> of butter, salt, water and dirt. The Haitians face shortages of food -> and electricity. I will assume that before being reduced to eating clay, the people of Haiti first buttered and ate all the grass in the country, then they buttered and ate all the shoes in the country, and now there's nothing left to eat but hot buttered clay. Oh, and the cows that are producing the butter. But they can't slaughter them because then they'd have no butter to put on their yummy hardened-clay tarts. I like that as she's smearing out the little puddles of clay pies to dry in the sun, there's a dropcloth under them, in order to keep the dirt patties from getting dirty. The next step is to see what happens when they run out of clay. I guess the difference between me and Haitians is that I'd turn to cannibalism _before_ eating all the dirt in the country. -- K. I feel sorry for these people, but on the other hand, if they were smarter they'd just use their proprietary "voodoo" brand magic to turn the dirt into delicious TV dinners. We should send those people some old Mandrake The Magician comic strips to save them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hair reaction! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:17:43 -0400 Day before yesterday, a girl (as in teenager) thought my fluorescent orange hair was so cool she asked her friend to take a photo of her standing next to my hair. I found this to be an odd teen scrapbook moment, but I was flattered. Then later in the day I got a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" from some drunk guys. I've decided the orange is the best color for me so far, and the brighter the better. I still have blood red and blue on my to-do list. -- K. And NO GREEN. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hair reaction! Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 14:05:58 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then later in the day I got a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" from some > > drunk guys. > > Did you zip up? And were you mistaken for a rapper? I may have mentioned this before, but my underwear is like northern Iraq -- a no-fly zone -- so, hypothetically speaking, it would be hard for me to expose myself to drunks at the drop of a hat because I'd have to undo the belt and take the pants and underpants down, and I wouldn't enjoy that because it would expose more skin than leather. When wearing tight leather pants, it's important to wear comfortable underwear without any weird sort of Y-shaped seams mashing down on your crotch. As some guy who looks like an ugly Peter Davison said, tight leather pants are like a cheap hotel -- no ballroom. (I am not a "no-underwear" guy.) > > -- K. > > > > And NO GREEN. > > NO GREEN IS NO PEOPLE! Please tell me that this "Soylent Green" parody isn't going to dovetail with a "Godfather" parody and turn into an SCTV episode where a guy named No Green gets gunned down during "Dialing For Filler". Also, I still don't understand why Charlton Heston was more upset that there was people meat in his Solyent Green squares than he was that there were ground-up plastic body bags in them. I mean, plastic doesn't taste good. -- K. I think Mr. Heston was most horrified to find that there were _black_ people in his food. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: This Day So Far Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:57 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > There was a time when all men over 21 years old wore hats and removed > > 'em when ladies entered into an elevator. > > "When entering a building", I believe you mean. Sheesh, kids these days. I typically put my hat on when entering a building, to better impress the desk-sitter with my "I'm gonna blow by you and not sign your stupid logbook, dammit!" attitude. I play nice, if they yell at me to come back and sign the logbook, I'll do so, but normally if you act like you know what you're doing and don't expect anyone to even try to stop you, then they won't even try to stop you. Most buildings' security only works on people who want it to work on them. And putting on the hat in question makes me _not_ submissive. -- K. A lot of actors think that the shoes play an important role in defining the personality you project, but I think the hat has at least as much to do with it. The pecking order is this: Hat, boots, pants, jacket, brain, t-shirt. (I have not yet found a way to make a t-shirt override the rest of the look. In other words, you can't put a nerd in an edgy t-shirt without simply making the t-shirt nerdy.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 01:22:54 -0400 [from www.PlanetOut.com] -> -> Gay asylum-seeker rejected as too butch -> -> Ben Townley, Gay.com U.K. -> Wednesday, May 5, 2004 / 05:31 PM Hmm. This means too things: 1.) Someone in Canada is clueless if they think it's even possible to be "too butch". 2.) I obviously ain't gonna be getting asylum in Canada because I own too many Ottawa Senators hockey jerseys. I guess if I ever want to be granted asylum, I'll have to start liking ringuette. -> A gay Mexican man plans to appeal for the second time a decision -> made by Canada's immigration body that claimed he could not be -> granted asylum because he was not "visibly effeminate." To a blind immigration officer, everyone's het! -> Fernando Enrique Rivera, 30, was originally rejected by the -> country's Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) in 2002. It said -> that because he didn't appear gay, he would be under no danger in -> Mexico, despite his claims that he faced blackmail from his -> employers within the police force. I'd love to see the evaluation criteria that Canada uses to determine who looks gay. How would they deal with, let's say, Rock Hudson, the Brady dad, and the second Darrin? More to the point, would they have granted Roddy McDowell asylum against his will? -> It added that he should move from his home in Puerto Vallarta to -> Mexico City, in the hope that his sexuality will be accepted more -> there. Isn't that like saying, "Because you're gay, you should move from Fire Island to Baltimore"? -> "Effeminate gestures come naturally and unconsciously. If he were -> indeed visibly effeminate ... he would have been (un)able to -> easily land a job with the 'macho' police force of Puerto -> Vallarta," the IRB concluded. It then proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that there have never been any gay police officers anywhere, ever. -> Rivera had hoped the decision would be overturned in a court, but -> he had no luck in April, when a federal court agreed with the -> decision. He must now wait for a final appeal on humanitarian -> grounds, the country's Globe and Mail newspaper reports. Hey, it's not the country's newspaper, it's just Toronto's. The whole country shouldn't be given the responsibility for what the people in Toronto do (especially Tie Domi) even though it is their capital. I heard that because gay marriages are now legal in Toronto, Tie Domi secretly married Darth Vader to become... oh, never mind, I got nuthin'. -> The newspaper claims that the IRB only offers asylum to -> HIV-positive men, political activists and whistle blowers from -> Mexico. When it comes to gay men, it only considers overtly -> feminine men, who they say would face immediate danger in the -> country. And thus, Bert & Ernie had to say a tearful goodbye as they were forever separated at the Canadian border. -> But Rivera says this system is flawed, as it fails to take into -> account those forced into living in the closet. He says his job in -> the area's police force would be questioned if he came out, and -> people who knew his sexuality were capable of blackmailing him. -> -> "You don't choose to be gay. It's not like being a vegetarian. -> It's a very complex thing," he said in an interview with the -> newspaper. More fun, too. Being a vegetarian is more like wearing a chastity belt. A _hetero_ chastity belt. -> "I can't go back to Mexico to lead a life of deception. I want to -> be in a society that accepts me the way I am." -> -> Additionally, he says the system leads to some gay men attempting -> to be seen as effeminate, so as to ensure they are accepted as -> refugees. -> -> "I know some gay refugees who put on lipstick and dressed -> effeminately for their hearings because they thought it would help -> their case. But that is not who I am," he said. Good for him. No freakin' way would I put on lipstick just to get into a some tiny country that can't even decide whether it speaks English or Metric. -> He is now waiting to see if his final appeal is accepted. If it is -> not, he is likely to be deported in the coming months. -> -> The issue of gay refugees has been raised regularly in recent -> months. In Japan, a gay Iranian was rejected despite being -> officially recognized by the United Nations as an asylum seeker, -> after the country's immigration body ruled that persecution based -> on sexuality was "not enough." I would love to get a certificate from the United Nations recognizing that I am butch enough to go on the "Rescue Heroes" ride at Six Flags. -- K. If Canada ever catches fire, Billy Blazes won't be allowed to go put it out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 03:28:35 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) quoted: > > > > -> Fernando Enrique Rivera, 30, was originally rejected by the > > -> country's Immigration and Refugee Board (IRB) in 2002. It said > > -> that because he didn't appear gay, he would be under no danger in > > -> Mexico, despite his claims that he faced blackmail from his > > -> employers within the police force. > > this makes no sense whatsoever. > > I mean, wouldn't he be harder to blackmail if he were visibly > effeminate? just suppose Don Miguel Disastro Y Malo, the chief > mexican blackmailer, were to send a blackmail letter via burro > saying something like "Sr. (or should I say *Sra.*, HINT HINT) > I know your most darkest of secrets. Pay me muchos pesos before > Cinco de Mayo and I shall flee the country on the next cruise > ship. If you do not, I shall tell all the hombres on the police > force. Adios." > > and then Rivera would reply "Don Miguel, you sexy thang! you > can tell anyone you want, sweetcheeks! KISS KISS!" and Don Miguel > would be like "the HELL?!?" and he'd go to Barnabas Milleriguez, > the captain of the force, and say "Sr. Capitan, one of your most > trusted hombres, Sr. Rivera, is a bit fiery in the underpants, > if you know what I mean." > > Capitan Barnabas would say "El DUH!" and then he'd tell Wojo to > toss Don Miguel out the front door and onto a pile of chickens, > and Don Miguel would twirl his moustachios diabolically and say > "Caramba! I am foiled again! Begorrah!" I think you left out one or two stereotypes. You forgot the Chinese launderer and the Jewish tailor and the lesbian carpenter and the humorless Ralph Nader, and also all the cops should be eating Mexican doughnuts (the kind made from refried beans.) > what I mean is, blackmail depends on revealing a secret, not on > confirming a suspicion. But what about people who reveal completely worthless secrets, like the ending of "Star Wars: Episode III"? (Jar Jar gets Darth Vader pregnant.) > the sad thing is, I wrote this entire post just to say "El DUH". El Duh Hubbard would salute you if he hadn't dropped his body. "Ay chihuahua! I have dropped my body! El whoops!" -- K. Still, it's a good thing the Mounties are keeping the butch people out of Canada. They'd ruin the RCMP's Musical Ride. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 01:24:09 -0400 Thirty seconds ago, I posted: > > I would love to get a certificate from the United Nations recognizing > that I am butch enough to go on the "Rescue Heroes" ride at Six Flags. > > -- K. > > If Canada ever catches > fire, Billy Blazes won't be > allowed to go put it out. Bonus trivia challenge: Which of the following are actual Rescue Heroes characters? Billy Blazes Gil Gripper Bulge McSpanky Clamp Down Butch Bearbiter Jack Hammer Manly Hosemaster Captain Cuffs Back Hoe I was going to try to slip "Seymour Wilde" in but I figured that a blatantly sissified name would make things too easy. Oh, what the hell, let's all pretend I claimed there was a Rescue Heroes action figure named "Seymour Wilde", despite that his name's way too poncy to be a Rescue Hero. We all know he'd never be caught in a two-pack with Billy Blazes, right? -- K. I bet Fisher-Price will look at the three fake names and immediately introduce three new toys. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 13:42:28 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bonus trivia challenge: Which of the following are actual > > Rescue Heroes characters? > > OK, all things considered, this is WAY TOO EASY. > > > Billy Blazes [X] > > Gil Gripper [X] > > Bulge McSpanky > > Clamp Down [X] <-- ROBOT! > > Butch Bearbiter > > Jack Hammer [X] > > Manly Hosemaster > > Captain Cuffs [X] > > Back Hoe [X] <-- ROBOT! > > WHAT DO I WIN? Well, assuming "X" marks the bad ones and not the good ones, you got every single answer wrong. Bulge McSpanky, Butch Bearbiter, and Manly Hosemaster are the ones I made up. Next question: Which of these guys has the biggest mustache? Also, Kerri, I'm surprised that you know all about the ultra-butch toys. Does this mean you've been secretly dating a lumberjack? -- K. Or worse, a Rescue Lumberjack? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's hard to be butch in the land of maple syrup Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 16:21:28 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, assuming "X" marks the bad ones and not the good ones, you > > got every single answer wrong. > > You are a MEAN, MEAN man. I didn't say there was anything wrong with you getting all the answers wrong. It's not like I can flunk you or summon the Wrongness Police or anything. And besides, the Wrongness Police are busy going after the people who put the "LOW-CARB!" signs on all the raw bacon at my local supermarket. > > Which of these guys has the biggest mustache? > > NONE OF THE ABOVE. > > Warren Waters [X] > > Like to HOLD ONTO. Does this ride require a seat belt? > > Does this mean you've been secretly dating a lumberjack? > > No. The love of my life, Norm Abram, mentioned something about a > restraining order, so I'm sticking to ultra-butch programmers. I once had to mix LISP and JavaScript. With my bare hands. Took me a week to scrub the parentheses out from under my fingernails. -- K. But getting back to the matter of being butch in Canada: Yadda yadda yadda Red Green sucks yadda yadda. Also, I hear that up there, every Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse wraps leftovers in bags that say "Tom Of Finland". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: No Beef Barely Soup today, but... Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 20:46:22 -0400 I happened to be in the Prudential Shaw's market today (on a quick grocery run before an evening appointment) and, because it was Tuesday, I checked to see if the "Beef Barely Soup" was appearing on a weekly basis (I had seen it one or two Tuesdays ago.) No Beef Barely Soup. However, they did have the ethnically confused "Chicken Tikka Marsala". So what other lukewarm hot foods will show up at the Prudential Shaw's thanks to single-letter transpositions, insertions, deletions, or mutations? I'm rooting for "New England Crap Cakes". -- K. Or at least "Chinese Spotstickers". POOR SPOT! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No Beef Barely Soup today, but... Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 13:51:46 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > When I were a college lad, on several occasions the dining halls > would serve something they called "savory lentils" one day and > "lentils" the next, which is not the same sort of naming oddness > but still, I bring it up because I like typing. One wonder what they would be called on the third day. And the fourth. And the fifth. Someone, please draw us that flowchart of The Progressive Downgrading Of Savory Lentils. Will it keep going forever like 19 in the "if n is even, n/2; if n is odd, 3n+1" algorithm, or will it eventually collapse into some sort of cute little loop like 4? Will the botmmost end of the lentils' journey take them through the black hole... and beyond... into a world of cosmic imagination and wonderfully wondrous wonders, or just into stock footage of some paint dripping in a bucket? Will the lentils pass beyond the lower bounds of lentildom with their spirits entering the bodies of lesser organisms such as millet, volvox, or possibly Dennis Hopper? If you can draw us that flowchart, you may be accepted into Famous Weird Artists School! Apply now! -- K. I like lentils. They're lenticularly delicious. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Has this premise been beaten to death already? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:22:51 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Here's an idea for a romantic-comedy movie or at least a sitcom episode > (I believe there may be a sitcom writer kicking around the place.) Hey, Gene Rayburn, you forgot to say "BLANK" before the word "around". Brett Somers said "keisters", which she spelled with a "y", which she drew backwards, but it was okay because she held the card upside-down. > 1000 Kisses > by Tim "Thanks" Chuma > > A committed lifetime nerd has a bet with a wealthy friend that he can get > 1000 kisses in a day off women he does not know. Hilarity ensues when > details of the bet hit the national media and he has to run away from > busloads of women. Also he probably will have a real girlfriend by the > end of the story. Starring George Clooney and, oh, I don't know, let's say Downtown Julie Brown. Not like it matters who's in it as long as we get it released so it can flop real fast so we don't waste money on making more than one print of it before we force the 3,000 Blockbuster locations to each buy six copies at $100 each because it will be a high-demand rental item because nobody will have seen it in theaters because everyone knows it sucks. > Thanks. Don't thank me until after you find out what I'm kicking. -- K. But you may never find out why. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Corpse In The Cupboard Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:35:09 -0400 [from news.scotsman.com] -> -> Latest in-Flight Facility: Cupboard for the Dead -> -> By Peter Woodman, Air Correspondent, PA News -> -> An airline has got round the awkward problem of dealing with an -> in-flight death by introducing a "corpse cupboard", it was -> revealed today. Yep, that eliminates the awkwardness completely. Death on an airline is now A-OK! -> The special arrangement has been made possible because of the -> design of the new Airbus A340-500 which Singapore Airlines has -> just added to its fleet. -> -> The long-range plane has a compartment which could be used to -> accommodate a body. Finally, a way for sadomasochists to join the Mile-High Club! At last we know what that little looped seatbelt that the flight attendants hold up while demonstrating safety is really for. You get three of those around someone, shove them into the special little human-sized compartment (which I'm sure can only be opened from outside), and enjoy a nice quiet flight punctuated by periodic whimpering during any turbulence the pilots steer towards. -> But the airline said it would only resort to the compartment -> option if no other suitable spot could be found. -> -> A spokesman added: "On the rare occasion when a passenger passes -> away during a flight the crew do all that it possible to manage -> the situation with sensitivity and respect. -> -> "Unfortunately, given the space constraints in an aircraft cabin, -> it is not always possible to find a row of seats where the -> deceased passenger can be placed and covered in a dignified -> manner, although this is always the preferred option. -> -> "The compartment will be used only if no suitable space can be found -> elsewhere in the cabin. The compartment is unique to this aircraft." So what if the plane kills _two_ people? -- K. And do they get refunds if they get taken out of that expensive first- class seat and jammed into that luggage comparment? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 14:50:40 -0400 Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > [...] I don't give a fuck what a bunch of geniuses think of me. That's good, because I just signed you up to warm up the audience with your standup comedy act at next year's Nobel ceremony. > [...] I think I'm funny, I'm sure others do too. But I warn you, those super-genius double-dome brainiacs _only_ laugh at prop comedy. And also, they'll all be carrying concealed death ray lasers. -- K. Good luck... YOU'LL NERD IT! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 23:32:58 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I don't give a fuck what a bunch of geniuses think of me. > > > > That's good, because I just signed you up to warm up the audience > > with your standup comedy act at next year's Nobel ceremony. > > Please note that politicians go to that as well. Yeah, so, you never heard of "political science"? If politics wasn't a science, would Communism have been called "The Great Experiment"? > > > [...] I think I'm funny, I'm sure others do too. > > > > [...] And also, they'll all be carrying concealed death ray lasers. > > And they may look like TV remote controls, 'cos super geniuses can > make death ray lasers out of TV remote controls. The giveaway is > the extra big battery compartments they've had fitted. They don't have to be all that big. Even a watch battery can kill if it makes a high-frequency current that goes through your chest (the laser beam would be used to propel the little shock gadget to fly through the air and clamp onto your nipples after burning off your shirt.) And with just two nine-volt batteries, you could make something like the thing I... well, I don't want to talk about it here, but let's just say that if I get into a fight with Darth Vader, I won't be the one who gets turned into an empty bathrobe. ZAP! -- K. Suddenly I understand why crazy people wear foil underwear. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 06:47:52 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] And with just two nine-volt batteries, you could > > make something like the thing I... well, I don't want to talk about it > > here, but let's just say that if I get into a fight with Darth Vader, > > I won't be the one who gets turned into an empty bathrobe. ZAP! > > Actually, I'm wondering how you would do against Uma Thurman. I'd explain to her that she made a movie in which she starred in a leather catsuit and it still SUCKED TO HIGH HEAVEN even though Sean Connery was also in it. I mean, clearly about a third of that movie was missing, and Ralph Fiennes really wasn't trying, and Patrick Macnee's voice cameo only reminded everyone how sad the movie was making them feel that they were paying to see something that wasn't a tenth as good as the real "Avengers". And then, having crushed Uma's spirits and reduced her to tears over the terrible mistakes of her acting career, well, I wouldn't beat her up (because I could never hurt a woman) but I would shove her into a big vat of something that would ruin whichever leather catsuit she was wearing in that movie, possibly rancid clam dip, or if that's not available, that juice that comes out of frozen turkeys. It would be like that scene in "Patch Adams" where Robin Williams mucks around in a wading pool filled with bright yellow spaghetti, except this time it wouldn't make the audience wish they were the ones dying. Uma would fall into the rancid clam dip and flail her arms while screaming "HELP! I FELL INTO RANCID CLAM DIP! ALSO, I'M FAMOUS MOVIE STAR UMA THURMAN! BUT NOW I'M DEAD!" and then she'd be dead. Then someone would unzip her leather catsuit and inside she'd be Roy Scheider, only with worse skin, and Michael Ironside would dance on her corpse while William Shatner spoke in a generic Communist accent and, after the first ten minutes, switched to Esperanto and nobody would notice. So, in other words, ten times better than "Patch Adams". -- K. I hear the original title of "Patch Adams" was "Doctor Asshole kills his patients without a license but that's okay because sick kids like his farting." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where's Clans? Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 23:11:17 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (because I could never hurt a woman) > > Sexist asshole. Hey, don't make me angry or I'll be REALLY NICE TO YOU! You female weenie. -- K. And I should have added within the parentheses, "on purpose for no money". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Upside-down pants? Date: Wed, 12 May 2004 23:52:19 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [on being challenged to draw "upside-down pants"] > > ==== ==== > \___\ /___/ > \ \ / / > \ \_/ / > \___|o__/ Do those come in leather with a 32-inch waist, 32-inch inseam? (Please note that the fact that my pants size is "32x32" means I am square.) I need to get some upside-down pants for those days when I feel like standing on my head more than half the time. Of course I've never had a day like that, but only because I have the wrong pants. Also, I am going to draw you a pair of Y-front underpants so tiny that nobody can turn them upside-down: === \Y/ The only way to turn those upside-down would be to change them to h-front underpants, and that would just be silly: /h\ === Tiny clothing is orientation-specific. (That's why the International Male catalog only carries large sizes.) === -- \K/ . HA HA I SIGNED THIS WITH MY UNDERPANTS! (I should've used a pen.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pumpkin Head Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 00:21:31 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Apparently the sword weilding main character of Kill Bill is more > scary because she's a woman. > > Bullshit. > > If a person with a sword was facing me down, I'd be focusing on the sword, > not if they had boobs. I said exactly the same thing two seconds before I realized it made me gay. Welcome to the club. -- K. Oh, and I have a four-foot long one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pumpkin Head Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 17:52:13 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > 'Pumpkin Head' has got to be my first choice Ayn Rand book that I'd > want to have were I stranded on a desert island. The bastard would > make one hell of a big and long-lasting signal fire. 'HELP ME, I'M > FUKKEN STUCK ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH ONLY AN AYN RAND BOOK!' Okay, he's a new question. If you were stuck on a desert island with all the books in the world except one, and all the DVDs in the world except one, and all the candy in the world except one, and all the sexual practices in the world except one, would you even care what the missing ones were? Please post detailed discussion of this so I have something to read on the train on my way to someplace that isn't a desert island. Thank you. -- K. Someday I must read Ayn Rand's books just so I can make fun of him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Captain Stinko passes away Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 01:13:26 -0400 [from reuters.co.uk] -> -> Fred Dale, creator of nasty smells, dies He who created it related it! Okay, that wasn't very good. But what else could I do with a newspaper article about a dead guy who used to fake farts? -> Wed 12 May, 2004 17:50 -> -> FYLDE (Reuters) - Fred Dale, the man who concocted foul smells such -> as Dead Roman Soldier's Armpit and Viking Loo for theme parks, has died, -> his son says. How hard is it to make something smell like an armpit? Look, I'll rub a washcloth on my armpit and let any theme park have it for $50. $75 if they want me to wear my Roman soldier helmet while I collect the extract. $100 if they want me to pretend to be dead while I'm sweating. -> Fred's favourite was "Dragon Breath", created for a model dragon in -> the Camelot fun park in Lancashire. -> -> "It's an extremely strong, revolting smell," his son Robert Dale -> told Reuters. However, dragon farts smell like lilac! -> Fred, who founded an air freshener company, produced nasty smells as a -> sideline for places like the Jorvik centre museum in York. -> -> His son said the only odour Fred Dale could never quite capture was the -> smell of baking bread. If only there were a way to use cheap ingredients to make a kitchen smell like bread were baking... Maybe something could be done with lasers, or possibly, flour? -- K. So does a Viking loo smell different from a regular loo? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's new sign day! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:02:06 -0400 This sign is taped to the elevator door in my apartment building's lobby: +------------------+ | STAR WAX ON | | FLOOR BASEMENT | | 10PM A 1AM | | DON'T NOT ENTER | +------------------+ ...so obviously I have to go down there tonight because I can't not enter. I think George Lucax ruined Star Wax when he added Wax-Wax Jinx sliding around in the basement like a big spax. -- K. And it's not really a lobby, more of a no-man's land. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Hello Kitty Rant" Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:12:55 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > This is my "Hello Kitty Rant." Hi, Seth! And these are your Hello Kitty Underoos! Fresh from the dryer! > What are you guys doing, constantly talking about Hello Kitty? And leather! We got both topics of conversation here! Hello Kitty and leather! > That show is supposed to be for little 3-year-old girls! And fat ones too! Stop discriminating against girls who are too fat to watch "Hello Kitty"! > You guys start worshipping the weird Japanese cartoon as a goddess > or something. Hi, Seth! And this is our human sacrifice for today! Kneel at the altar of the Mouthless One and close your eyes and think warm thoughts, these hedge shears are mighty cold! > Am I going insane or something? Hi, Seth! This is the first time I've said hi to you today! If you think I keep saying hi to you then maybe you should ask me if you're going insane or something! > While I'm on the subject of being insane, did you guys know that > Wolfgang Peterson is literally insane. With Troy coming out, that > seems pretty impressive. Troy is gay? Did he know before or after he changed his name from Boxie between "Battlestar: Galactica" and "Galactica: 1980"? Hi, Seth! I am proud that I know the backstory continuity between the good season of "Galactica" and the terrible season of "Galactica"! And now you do too, in your Underoos! > Diane Kruger, the actress that plays Helen is gorgeous. Hi, Seth! Do you prefer movies with good-looking actresses or ugly ones? I like Hello Kitty! -- K. I like Hello Kitty even though she forgot to have a mouth! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:57:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Is my signature cool? No. > Should I get a better signature? No, you should get a worse one. > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > other than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > That's cool, but it's old. Yeah, well, so are YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! You're FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!! ...sorry, I just channeled Barbara Bain for a moment there. The episode where she scratches the guy's face and he ages to death, not the one where she kills Brian Blessed by holding his hand, which is not the same as the one where Brian Blessed is wearing a gayer costume than the one he wore in "Flash Gordon". Where were we? Oh, yes, your .signature is not as cool as "Flash Gordon". Even if you can sing it to the same tune. > -- > Seth Goldin thump thump thump thump thump thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Savior of the Universe! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Save every one of us! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! He's a miracle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! King of the impossible! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! A big piece of broccoli! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Skateboarding with a monocle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Purple from head to toes! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Up his nose with a rubber hose! He's for every one of us, he stands for every one of us, he'llsavewithameatyhandeverymaneverywomaneverychildhe'samighty SETH! (Seth, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!) Just a man with a man's courage a manly manly macho macho man of men men, men, men, men, men, men, SETH-HEARTED MEN! Nothing but a man who can never fail No-one but the pure of heart may eat the Golden Grahams ah-ahhhhhhhhhhhh oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh wa-waaaaaaaaaaaa SETH! -- K. I'm glad I have never used a .signature. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:56:48 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, other > > > than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." > > > > How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff > > to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > > I looked at the above lines of text too quickly and they Spoke To Me > about "Matt McIrvin's 'Indent-O-Shorts'". I think you need to put Icy-Hot in your brain and quick. Also you should try moxibustion because I like saying "moxibustion", which is an ancient Chinese word meaning "horrible-tasting soft drink made from 50% bitterness and 50% bustion to yield some sort of quack medical product involving either open flame or carbonation." Also, moxibustion involves mugwort, and mugwort is a mixture of 50% liverwort and 50% Mug root beer, for a liverworty taste sensation. Okay, I'll stop lying. Moxibustion is a perfectly scientific Chinese medical treatment involving having some guy hold the tip of a lit cigar a quarter-inch from your nipple while shouting "DING DONG, DING DONG!" Also, I am proud of myself for mentioning "mugwort" without turning this into a new Harry Potter novel. -- K. Why do acupuncture needles come in boxes of 100 when you need at least 350 to make a really good Pinhead Halloween costume? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: M