From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's new sign day! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:02:06 -0400 This sign is taped to the elevator door in my apartment building's lobby: +------------------+ | STAR WAX ON | | FLOOR BASEMENT | | 10PM A 1AM | | DON'T NOT ENTER | +------------------+ ...so obviously I have to go down there tonight because I can't not enter. I think George Lucax ruined Star Wax when he added Wax-Wax Jinx sliding around in the basement like a big spax. -- K. And it's not really a lobby, more of a no-man's land. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Hello Kitty Rant" Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:12:55 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > This is my "Hello Kitty Rant." Hi, Seth! And these are your Hello Kitty Underoos! Fresh from the dryer! > What are you guys doing, constantly talking about Hello Kitty? And leather! We got both topics of conversation here! Hello Kitty and leather! > That show is supposed to be for little 3-year-old girls! And fat ones too! Stop discriminating against girls who are too fat to watch "Hello Kitty"! > You guys start worshipping the weird Japanese cartoon as a goddess > or something. Hi, Seth! And this is our human sacrifice for today! Kneel at the altar of the Mouthless One and close your eyes and think warm thoughts, these hedge shears are mighty cold! > Am I going insane or something? Hi, Seth! This is the first time I've said hi to you today! If you think I keep saying hi to you then maybe you should ask me if you're going insane or something! > While I'm on the subject of being insane, did you guys know that > Wolfgang Peterson is literally insane. With Troy coming out, that > seems pretty impressive. Troy is gay? Did he know before or after he changed his name from Boxie between "Battlestar: Galactica" and "Galactica: 1980"? Hi, Seth! I am proud that I know the backstory continuity between the good season of "Galactica" and the terrible season of "Galactica"! And now you do too, in your Underoos! > Diane Kruger, the actress that plays Helen is gorgeous. Hi, Seth! Do you prefer movies with good-looking actresses or ugly ones? I like Hello Kitty! -- K. I like Hello Kitty even though she forgot to have a mouth! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:57:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Is my signature cool? No. > Should I get a better signature? No, you should get a worse one. > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > other than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > That's cool, but it's old. Yeah, well, so are YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! You're FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!! ...sorry, I just channeled Barbara Bain for a moment there. The episode where she scratches the guy's face and he ages to death, not the one where she kills Brian Blessed by holding his hand, which is not the same as the one where Brian Blessed is wearing a gayer costume than the one he wore in "Flash Gordon". Where were we? Oh, yes, your .signature is not as cool as "Flash Gordon". Even if you can sing it to the same tune. > -- > Seth Goldin thump thump thump thump thump thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Savior of the Universe! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Save every one of us! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! He's a miracle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! King of the impossible! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! A big piece of broccoli! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Skateboarding with a monocle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Purple from head to toes! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Up his nose with a rubber hose! He's for every one of us, he stands for every one of us, he'llsavewithameatyhandeverymaneverywomaneverychildhe'samighty SETH! (Seth, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!) Just a man with a man's courage a manly manly macho macho man of men men, men, men, men, men, men, SETH-HEARTED MEN! Nothing but a man who can never fail No-one but the pure of heart may eat the Golden Grahams ah-ahhhhhhhhhhhh oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh wa-waaaaaaaaaaaa SETH! -- K. I'm glad I have never used a .signature. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:56:48 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, other > > > than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." > > > > How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff > > to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > > I looked at the above lines of text too quickly and they Spoke To Me > about "Matt McIrvin's 'Indent-O-Shorts'". I think you need to put Icy-Hot in your brain and quick. Also you should try moxibustion because I like saying "moxibustion", which is an ancient Chinese word meaning "horrible-tasting soft drink made from 50% bitterness and 50% bustion to yield some sort of quack medical product involving either open flame or carbonation." Also, moxibustion involves mugwort, and mugwort is a mixture of 50% liverwort and 50% Mug root beer, for a liverworty taste sensation. Okay, I'll stop lying. Moxibustion is a perfectly scientific Chinese medical treatment involving having some guy hold the tip of a lit cigar a quarter-inch from your nipple while shouting "DING DONG, DING DONG!" Also, I am proud of myself for mentioning "mugwort" without turning this into a new Harry Potter novel. -- K. Why do acupuncture needles come in boxes of 100 when you need at least 350 to make a really good Pinhead Halloween costume? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:01:29 -0400 Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > I find it hard to believe that someone with a WebTV implanted in his head > would have a hard time figuring out what to put in a .sig. Have you not > considered a midi rendition of "MacArthur Park" accompanying a chorus line > of animated Jawas marching across a scrolling copy of "Jonathan Livingston > Seagull," in a 500-pt blackletter font? Don't forget a line of dancing bears pointing at the Jawas and saying, "LOOK! HERE COME THE ANIMATED JAWAS! THEY'RE ANIMATED! AND HOW!" and also they should all really be Jar-Jar. Also, it should be a version of "MacArthur Park" sung by barking dogs accompanied by Jar-Jar on a space kazoo from the planet Kazoozie. > If that's too much for you, perhaps an ASCII picture of the USS Enterprise > shooting giant swords at Perth would be closer to your tastes. No, no! An ASCII parade of every version of the USS Enterprise! With a tiny ASCII Stephen Collins pointing at them and saying "All these ships were called 'Enterprise'!" to a bald woman who can't act! And the fourth one would have to be the ring-shaped long-necked ship shown in that painting in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" and also the really butch-looking primitive Enterprise in "Star Trek: Enterprise" at the same time to avoid introducing the first-ever continuity problem in the "Star Trek" canon! Don't forget ASCII portraits of Kirk and Picard, too. I'll get you started with Picard: _ _________ / \ /"WHO LET \ /_ _\ /THE BOY ON \ ( o o ) __/\MY BRIDGE?"/ | _(_ | \_________/ \_____/ Wait, that's Bert from "Sesame Street", only even less fun to be around. But since he and Picard are otherwise identical, you can put him in your .signature, especially if you can figure out a way to make William Shatner be Ernie. -- K. Spock is Cookie Monster, except with pointy ears instead of an insatiable appetite for cookies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:48:35 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Is my signature cool? > > Not yet. Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are inherently uncool? > > Should I get a better signature? > > You're Allowed. Yes, but only as long as he ends it with "This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo." > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, plus I lost my file of cool .signatures back > when I moved from panacea to vic, because of a brainfart-related deleting > incident. So I have no feedback at this time. I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide so I can't quote it (and also, somehow, it appears to pack at least 96 columns worth of stuff into those 80 columns.) Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it with my usual "greater-than, space, space" indentogon: > -- > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the > flower > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to > see > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > VRbeable > http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! > --K. ...and that's like an Indent-O-Meter stuck on "oops". But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: -- +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer "Hey you" |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison Zingers |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's O-S-C-A-ARRR |=(___\====================|Comcast analog cable just dropped CNN Headline News. | |A white stripe stands for a cloud of tapioca pudding |==========================|The heart is falling over so you can still recognize |--------------------------|the flag while you're asleep. VISUALIZE A NEW POTSIE |==========================|http://www.kibo.com/ - not updated since 1997 +--------------------------+Eat more bees / I am typing FILLER in ALLLL CAAAAAPS I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. -- K. Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like things are supposed to be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:43:06 -0400 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > Is my signature cool? > > > > > > Not yet. > > > > Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are > > inherently uncool? > > He'll find out. Some day. And on that day, everyone else should start posting with a .signature just to confuse him. > > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, > > > > I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide [...] > > Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it [...] > > > > > -- > > > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows > > > the > > > flower > > > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for > > > anyone to > > > see > > > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > > It's a double-sided double-density .sig . And you _copied_ it without the > patented ExploTab (c) Protection!!1! Oooo, Ashcroft's going to GET you... Please do penance for making me remember the days when you had to carefully examine all the boxes of floppy disks in the store to find the "DSDD" ones instead of the "SSDD" and "DSSD" and "SSSD" ones even though they were all actually identical except for the acronyms, only one of which stood for anything obscene enough to be amusing. > > But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to > > foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: > > > > -- > > +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer > > "Hey you" > > |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison > > Zingers > > |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's > > O-S-C-A-ARRR > > Aaahhhhhhh. > > Kibo has posted a .signature, the first new one since ... I can't _tell_, > they're all timestamped February 18 2001! Waaah! > > Anyway, my work here is done for to-day. Yes, and now, it's time for stamping. > > I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine > > stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like > > you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of > > community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. > > But that's the only one of the communities of which I am a member (which all > seem not to like, that much, having me as a member, I think it's the > asparagus syndrome or something) that condenses into four keystrokes, so I > had to make them STAND for all the others too! I like to make mine stamp for all the others. "Stamp" is a fun word to say or do. Especially "rubber stamp". Just to make you happy and be in compliance with all the abritrary rules of stupid Internet etiquette, I made an X-Face version which combines my standard overly-bold "K" with that nine-stripe dithered flag but I promise to only use it on special occasions after I test it out right now. Let's see how many computers this crashes. It contains enough highly complicated graphical data that I could only compress it down to two lines: X-Face: ;\@!~C~Is%p@}v]EOF_;be\$~wTt_gQ|yk:(l{3vTx?LWX=bM[}>8{teHZ'6[tf\+o2 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 > > Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is > > complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the > > migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like > > things are supposed to be. > > If they're the things on the lower right, they're either Giant Waffles, > escaped matzoh, or pieces of a centuries-old newspaper, I think. I figured they were supposed to be blocks of compressed maple sugar, dating from the days when the United States was referred to only as "Lower Canada". You know you're old when your Social Security card says "United Provinces Of Lower Canada" below that maple leaf holding an eagle in its claws. -- K. Good thing we don't have any Canajians here on this Amurrican Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Question Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:26:03 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Is it perverted to wear leather pants for non-perverted reasons? I'm not qualified to answer that question. (awkward pause) Hey, I just got some great new leather police gloves. The ones with the pound of birdshot sewn into the knuckles of each glove, suitable for putting your fist through the car windows of idiots who stop with their front wheels in your crosswalk, or just accidentally knocking people onto the subway tracks if you absent-mindedly swing your arms while you walk through Park Street Under. Not that I would ever do either, of course. You see... (singing) I'm a NICE guy! I'm such a NICE guy! This is ME, I'm a NICE guy! I don't KNOW any of the LYRICS to this SONG! Hey, where are YOU from, BALDimore? I'm a NICE guy! I'm a really NICE guy! Sigh. I can't even do a good job of pretending to be Don Rickles because I REALLY AM A NICE GUY! -- K. And if you disagree, I'll crush you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Smurfs Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:23:45 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Smurfs are little blue humanoids with white gloves. They were > created by the cartoonist "Peyo" in 1958. They re-emerged in the 1980s, > becoming a worldwide phenomenon and exterminating all of the indigenous > little people. Eventually the fad died out, but Peyo understood that > cutesy figurines never stay popular for long, so he designed the Smurfs > to be active and dormant in 23-year cycles. Brood Y [Smurf Smurf] will > reappear in vast numbers soon, digging their way out of their little > burrows/ammunition caches, cutifying the world by force and allowing a > new generation to "discover the magic". It's okay, I've been going around dumping boric acid into hollow trees and around cobbler shops. That helps get rid of Smurfs, sprites, Cottingley fairies, Keeblers, and assorted midgets. If I were you, I'm not sure I would have called the Smurfs "humanoid". More like "verminoid" or possibly "smurftacularly smurfnoxious". Oh, and memo to any Smurfs who might be reading: This time, the land of the humans has more than one cat in it. Bye-bye, Smurfs. -- K. Your shoe size equals the number you can crush at once. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:52:39 -0400 [from the San Francisco Chronicle via SFGate.com] -> -> SAN FRANCISCO -> Race's naked joggers to be tolerated, barely -> They must dress at finish line or get ticketed -> -> Steve Rubenstein, Chronicle Staff Writer -> Saturday, May 15, 2004 -> -> -> Running naked through the streets of San Francisco will be OK and not -> OK, according to the people in charge of the Bay to Breakers race. Okay and not okay? I thought that in San Francisco _everything_ was at least one or the other. -> You're not supposed to do it, said race organizers, wink-winking -> and nudge-nudging. But if you decide to do it on Sunday morning, -> there's not much anybody can do to stop you. -> -> Every year, more and more people run the 7.5-mile race without -> clothes. Last year, there were more than 200 nude runners. Now, -> they even have their own Web site, logo, caps and souvenir pins. You know, I can't wait until about 2025 when the last of the old-guard reporters will finally die off so that we'll stop seeing newspaper and magazine articles that offer breathless amazement that some person, company, or group has a Web site! If this reporter had been born fifty years earlier, I bet he would've been writing articles that included the phrase "and the company even has a phone number." -> This year, police say they will cite naked runners who do not -> clothe themselves once they cross the finish line at the west end -> of Golden Gate Park, but will not try to stop naked runners -> during the race. -> -> Angela Fang, head of the foundation that organizes the race, says -> she was told by police that it is "not physically possible'' to -> cite nudists in motion. Unless you spell "cite" the other way. Binoculars can help with that, too. -> "There's no way for police to run into the race and yank out the -> naked runners,'' she said Friday. If the police were clever, they'd all get naked so they could infiltrate the race. Of course, concealing their badges might be a little painful due to sharp corners. -> Race organizers were clearly of two minds about the whole thing. -> They want as many runners as they can get, at $40 a head. They do -> not want to offend paying customers, and they do not want to -> offend nervous Nellies, either. -> -> Typically, naked runners carry clothes in a fanny pack or hide -> clothes in Golden Gate Park, and clothe themselves immediately -> after crossing the finish line. San Francisco is one of the few places in the world where you can pull a thong out of a fanny pack and then be fully clothed. In Boston, you'd die of hypothermia if you carried your clothes in anything smaller than an eighteen-wheeler suitcase. -> "It's a family event, and we know people bring their children,'' -> Fang said. "But the Bay to Breakers means so much to so many -> people, and this is San Francisco. We don't want to change -> anything. We're torn.'' -> -> Some of the naked runners compete as members of Bare to Breakers. -> On their Web site (baretobreakers.com), they call themselves -> "outrageous and courageous'' and have their own souvenir pin, -> even though attaching the pin on race day could prove challenging. -> -> Seeded runner Jackie Brooks, who will be racing at the front of -> the pack and is one of the favorites, says she doesn't mind if -> people run naked, as long as they finish behind her. Then she'll go over to Folsom Street and run in some leather-oriented race, as long as all the guys are Finnish behind her. I'm sorry, that was only about 2/3 of the way to being a pun. I challenge anyone to go the distance and work "Touko Laaksonen" in there. -> "To each his own,'' she said. "It doesn't bother me. It's sort of funny.'' -> -> She says a serious runner like herself would never run naked, -> however, because running is "tough enough'' with clothes on. Then she went home and ate her ice cream seriously, forcing herself to feel no enjoyment whatsoever. Damn, I hate serious people. I just want to hit them with pies. -> Race veteran John Hearney, who in past years has raced as a -> giraffe, a tree, Coit Tower and the Transamerica Pyramid, was -> testing the giant 45-pound windmill costume he will be wearing -> Sunday. Of course, in San Francisco, dressing as a mini-golf obstacle amid naked people could lead to someone putting their balls into him. That was only 1/3 of a pun, and it wasn't the missing third of the other one. But these people aren't making it easy for me. -> He says he doesn't care about naked runners, either. So is he a eunuch, or just stupid? -> "I don't think it's a distraction,'' he said. "The windmill is a -> distraction, but not somebody naked. Not in San Francisco.'' I see... so... this articles point is that the controversy over this nudathon is that nobody gives a damn about the nudathon. It would be so emotionally draining for me to live in a city where it's okay to try to shock everyone because nobody puts any effort into having a reaction to anything. "Look! I'm drilling holes in my face with an eggbeater!" "Ho hum, that's nice, will you help me get something down from that top shelf?" -- K. San Francisco is really screwed up. I have a hunch that when I eventually visit there, I'm not going to leave nice, comfortable Folsom Street. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:12:21 -0400 [concerning the fine people of New York City] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The last time I was in the City, a vaguely Caucasian-looking guy with an > unidentifiable accent came up to me in the subway and repeatedly told me > he wanted to "parahode," waiting for me to direct him to the proper > staircase. I couldn't figure out what to say because I kept thinking I > almost understood him and then realizing it sounded like he was looking > for a *perekhod*, so I just stood there gaping at him blankly and > stupidly, not managing to come out with any words to tell him I couldn't > understand what he was saying. When the train arrived, he got on one > door down from me, stood looking at me through the crowd as I struggled > to figure out my own route, and then darted back off the train just > before the doors closed. Oh, you meant "vaguely Caucasian" as in "Russkie". I had to look up that "perekhod" meant "place where you can transfer between trains" in Russian. So without access to Google, I would not have been able to understand your story, and you would have started almost following me around town on the subway, except that I think the story might have had a different ending, if you imagine me as Sylvester Stallone in "Bananas". I have a hard time imagining myself as Stallone, unless it's in a Woody Allen movie where the credits aren't in that same ugly font he always uses (Windsor Condensed.) Someone please either buy Woody a new font or get Stallone to beat him up again. Here in Boston, when someone asks us for directions and we don't know where to direct them, we just point to some random spot on the horizon, at least if the person demanding directions is more obnoxious than we are. If they ask nicely, I point them in some arbitrary direction and then mention that I'm not "sure" that's the best route, but if they're surly and/or drunk, I just get them the hell away from me. -- K. The rule seems to be that when lost, people ask the person with the thickest eyeglasses, even if he is clearly evil. I really need contact lenses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:23:00 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Summary version: > > A. People with NO! clothes on are NA> B. When they run they look funny. > C. Reporters find this funny enough to write about. > D. Editors find this funny enough to publish. > E. Kibo finds this funny enough to PARODY! Don't make me come down there with a copy of my rant about the difference between parody, pastiche, lampoon, satire, sarcasm, sadism, stalactites, and stalagmites. I was just heckling the reporter who wasn't here, not actually parodying anything. Also I was questioning why people would even bother living in San Francisco if they weren't excited to see other people's openly-flaunted perversions. I'd think that by now everyone in San Francisco would either be some sort of flamboyant kinkster or someone who would spend all day ogling the flamboyant kinksters. To live in San Francisco and just not care that there are naked triathletes running across your lawn, that's just a waste of exhibitionism. Everyone should give exhibitionists a stare or two instead of rudely accepting them. Speaking of stalactites, there's one growing in Park Street Under that looks to be about ten inches long. They grow so fast in artificial environments like subway stations due to all the cement and plaster and asbestos and other powdery stuff that can wash down from the ceiling whenever there's seepage (and if there's one thing Park Street Under has plenty of, it's seepage.) All the stalactites are little skinny things about a quarter-inch in diameter, with no taper -- they look like gray icicles, but probably taste worse. > Actually, nudity is a joke played on you by GOD! So then, backless jockstraps sold by International Male are a joke played on whom by whom? I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that there is underwear so gay that only straight people who don't know the meaning of the word "gay" could like it. -- K. God, of course, wears big boy underpants under his black leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: T minus 34 hours and counting until my local news channels show something other than the war. Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:26:08 -0400 [from Advocate.com] -> -> Republicans argue same-sex marriage would cost govt. billions -> -> Testifying Thursday at a U.S. House Judiciary Subcommittee -> hearing on the proposed Federal Marriage Amendment, which is -> backed by President Bush, Republican lawmakers argued that -> allowing same-sex couples to legally marry would be bad because -> it could cost the federal government a lot of money. OH MY! STOP THE PRESSES! SOMETHING MIGHT SOMEDAY CAUSE THE GOVERNMENT TO SPEND SOME MONEY! IT MIGHT MAKE THEM HAVE TO THINK OR SOMETHING! Every once in a while I wonder about these people who don't understand that the concept of money is that you're supposed to spend it, not just put it in a big pile and measure its height once a week like you're collecting a ball of string. -> Rep. Spencer Bachus, an Alabama Republican, ...was then marooned on a desert island with several other walking stereotypes including a professor, a fat guy, a movie star, and the other kind of slut. He spent the next several years trying to get off the island because he was creeped out by the phrase "little buddy". -> cited past government studies that found that giving gay and -> lesbian couples the same benefits as married straight couples -> could cost the Treasury billions of dollars, the San Francisco -> Chronicle reports. But Democrats denounced the comments, arguing -> that gay and lesbian couples also pay federal taxes and deserve -> the same legal protections and federal benefits as other couples. -> "You don't save money by denying people rights in America," -> said Rep. Barney Frank, the openly gay Democrat from Massachusetts. There's only one openly gay Democrat in Massachusetts? At last I understand how Mitt Romney got elected. -> According to the Chronicle, Bachus cited a recent General -> Accounting Office report that detailed 1,138 federal laws (article pauses a moment so George Lucas can circle that number and feel very special about his movie which predicted that, in the world of the future, Donald Pleasence could have your wife eradicated so that he could move in with you, at least if you're Robert Duvall) -> in which marital status is a factor in receiving benefits, rights, -> or privileges. The laws affect everything from a spouse's ability -> to collect Social Security, disability, and veterans' benefits to -> legal rights to file joint tax returns, apply for joint -> homeowners' insurance, or claim family leave to care for a sick -> partner. Bachus ticked off some of the federal programs that -> could be affected if gay and lesbian couples had full marriage -> rights: "Social Security, food stamps, disability payments, -> welfare, Medicare, Medicaid." OH NO! THEY'LL HAVE TO ISSUE GAY FOOD STAMPS! AND LESBIAN FOOD STAMPS! AND SUPERMARKETS WILL HAVE TO SET UP SPECIAL SECTIONS FOR GAY FOOD! THERE WILL BE CREME BRULEE EVERYWHERE! PEOPLE WILL DIE OF ARUGULA POISONING! AND SUPERMARKET CROISSANTS WILL NO LONGER ALWAYS BE STALE! Oh, wait, they already have an all-gay supermarket here, called "Bread & Circus". -> Then he asked the panel of witnesses: "Won't this just break the -> bank?" Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colo.), the chief House sponsor -> of the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, -> said she had not seen a full accounting of the costs of offering -> the benefits to gays and lesbians. THE GOVERNMENT WILL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN THE WAR SO IT CAN GIVE GAY PEOPLE UNLIMITED LUBE PRIVILEGES! GOVERNMENT OFFICE BUILDINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST FIVE KINDS OF RESTROOMS! SORRY, NASA, NO MONEY FOR YOU, WE HAD TO SPEND IT ON PAINTING THE WHITE HOUSE PINK! -> But she argued that "activist judges" should not be allowed to -> impose decisions that could impact the finances of state and -> federal governments. JUDGES SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING! EVER! ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE AND THEY'RE NAKED AND SWEATY UNDER THOSE BLACK ROBES! -> [...] -> Proponents of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage recently -> changed the language of the amendment to make clear that states -> can approve civil unions. I think we should force straight people to get civil unions, because married couples spend too much time arguing. -- K. If someone wants to save the country money, they should just let people marry whoever they want because that's gotta be cheaper than all the paper and videotape and electrons that are being spent on this endless bloviation over whether the government should care about people's sexual orientation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:35:43 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > WHy in the name of beef do people think there are no words that > > rhyme with orange? > > > > Hello? Binge! > > There's two kinds of rhymes. If a phrase's last syllable is stressed > then it can rhyme with any other phrase with a matching last stressed > syllable. > > If the last syllable isn't stressed, you have to back up to the last > syllable that IS stressed and then match all the syllables from that one > to the end. > > So 'Hello? Binge!" doesn't rhyme with 'orange' because 'binge' is > stressed and 'ange' isn't. Dear Witchiepoo, What about "syringe"? "twinge"? "fringe"? I can stress _any_ word I want, because I don't talk like a robot, dammit! And even if you play by some silly rules that says you can't stress the good part of "orange"... What about "blorange"? "squorange"? And let's not forget the famous scented Play-Doh flavor, "Explorange". (I wish I could.) > Also, the 'o' in 'hello' is pronounced like in 'own' while the 'o' in > 'orange' is pronounced like in 'or', as I say them anyway, and 'inge' in > 'binge' is like in 'hinge' while 'ange' in 'orange' sounds more like the > first syllable of 'enjoy' to my ear. Why don't you go hand the man the dandy candy. > Those caveats aside, you are of course 100% correct. I am 75% correct and 58% wrong and 23% sweet creamery butter and 91% alkaline aquarium butter. Also, those numbers add up to only 103%, which is what makes it okay because 3% never matters in mathematics. > Hey, I don't make the rules, I just break 'em. That doesn't rhyme. Therefore, you are bad. P.S. Yes, Witchiepoo once sang a song titled "There Ain't No Rhyme For Oranges" on "H.R. Pufnstuf". You see, this is because, being a Sid & Marty Krofft show, it was a total fantasy, which is why in their topsy-turvy world they pretended there ain't no rhyme for oranges. -- K. "Stonehenge"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:40:00 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Subject: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... > > When they swarm it sounds JUST LIKE a phaser on overload from TOS. Do you mean the "force chamber explosion" from "The Cage" aka "The Menagerie", or do you mean the much slower one from "The Conscience Of The King", or the faster one from "That Which Survives"? Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in my own head holes. There's a certain pitch somewhere in the 30-50 Hz range which, when I hit it, makes my ears start buzzing in a very disturbing way. I now require the services of a volunteer to come over and listen to all the parts of my head to determine whether my ears are actually emitting sound or whether they just think they are because the rest of my skull is vibrating. -- K. For some reason, I have a headache today. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:01:34 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself > > Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because > > last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in > > my own head holes. > > Yay! I learned how to do that because my car stereo > broke and I never bothered to fix it, or for some > similarly stupid reason, some time after Genghis Blues > came out. It really annoys this one English post-doc in > my lab, and I think perhaps his village had been razed by > Mongols. Or Tibetan Buddhists, maybe. Does it also make you feel like you concussed yourself on a car door? Also, does this ability have anything to do with being tantric? Anyway, I should take after you and use my 30-50 Hz resonance to annoy people. Especially people who either (a) inform me that "Hey, your beard matches your sunglasses!" or (b) ask, "How did you get your hair to be that color?" I've had (a) four times in the two days since I got the orange sunglasses (AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DIDN'T PICK THEM OUT WITH MY EYES CLOSED AND MATCH THEM TO MY FACIAL HAIR BY ACCIDENT) and I was actually asked (b) today, so I graciously explained the concept of dye. Then the person (who I think thought I just stepped off a cruise ship from San Francisco or something) helpfully told me that there were "bad people in Boston who judge you by your clothes and not what's in your heart," and I did an indicating-my-entire-body gesture with my lead-lined gloves and said in my most serious voice, "I am AWARE I am projecting a certain image," as I stood there in the biker boots and the biker jeans and the biker jacket and et cetera. I got a few other nice compliments on this week's look (with the sunglasses matched to the facial hair) today. The bus driver liked it, the Trader Joe's cashier liked it (when I told him I changed the hair color on a weekly basis, he said "You should consider yourself a performance artist," and I brought back that voice to say "OH, I DO." Then someone who complimented me on my leathers asked me if I rode a motorcycle, and I said, "No, I don't have one of these," (miming twisting handlebar grips) "I have one of these," (miming a whip) and then he asked me if I were an equestrian. What do I have to do to actually be "out", pass out pamphlets? I plan to keep the blond hair (with orange in the middle of the beard) for several more days, then I'm considering black dye in the hair and light orange in the beard. I'd like to find some blood-red mirrorshades because I think I'd look great in all black with red lenses, but it's hard to find mirrorshades in any colors other than silver, blackish, and blue. I was lucky to find the really nice orange pair I have (I'm pretty fussy about lens shape. Because my face is tall and blocky I need lenses with corners, not rounded lenses, and because my uncorrected focal distance is so short I like big lenses -- small ones look too dainty anyway -- so I always have a hell of a time finding big rectangular lenses, let alone finding them with a mirror finish in a particular color.) It's really weird how eyewear trumps everything else about your look. And then hair color trumps everything but eyewear. That's when two men meet -- when a man meets a woman, one of them looks at boobs and the other looks at shoes. -- K. And why the hell do sunglasses never fit into eyeglass cases? I have a really nice all-metal case that even my big-blocky-lens minus-ten-diopter seeing glasses can fit inside, but all sunglasses have curved frames that make them not fit. And I don't want to just put the sunglasses in my pocket because I don't want scratches on the nice orange coating on the lenses. Argh! LOOKING GOOD IS ANNOYING TO ME EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD GETS TO ENJOY MY RADIANT HANDSOMENESS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 14:09:15 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > > > robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > > > When they swarm it sounds JUST LIKE a phaser on overload from TOS. > > > > There's a poster in my apartment building telling us to keep the > > doors closed because there are 150 million cicadas per square acre > > out there. That sounds like a lot, but it works out to be around > > 600,000 per bushel-fathom, which isn't so bad. > > I did make a blurry video of a tree covered in cicadas, with the > high-pitched phaser warble droning in the background. Some of you > might have new and l33t enough video players to be able to watch this > in all its blurry glory: > > http://www.manfre-land.com/temp/cicadanoise.avi It broke my computer real good. Anyway, I have a solution to the whole cicadian overlords thing: (David Letterman enters, dressed as a pirate. He yells "ARRRRR!" and this makes a speech balloon containing a single capital "R" above his head. Letterman reaches into the balloon and pulls out the "R" and uses it to change the word "cicadian" to "circadian" so the insects only chirp once every 25 hours.) Of course, some of you might find that to be worse than Chinese water torture, but I'm sorry, Letterman doesn't have enough letters in his pirate vocabulary to change "circadian" to "Chinese water torture" to make you happy. -- K. I don't think I've even heard a mosquito in several years. This is because I live in the city, where nothing can survive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Mr.Wilson! Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:41:10 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > When step-daughter was Chefing,she and the kitchen help used to > > unband the lobster's claws and give them steak knives to hold and > > wave around,presumably to give the lobsters a last chance to play > > super heros before taking a soothing,hot bath. > > I like that idea! My ex-boyfriend used to dance around the bushel > basket of live crabs, brandishing the can of Old Bay and taunting them. Question: Is it more sadistic or less sadistic to give the lobsters steak knives? I suspect it depends on whether you are reinforcing the idea "Ha ha, you can't fight back even if I give you a knife" or actually trying to help them fight fairly. I ask merely because it is important to understand everything about sadism, which is the most useful life skill anyone can cultivate, especially seafood chefs. Also, Barbara, is your ex-boyfriend still available? > > Do you get frozen crawfish in your area? Okay, now I'm going to have to sit cross-legged for the rest of this train ride. Curse you and your projective mental imagery about icy-cold pincers and areas. -- K. Couldn't you have mentioned something less painful to have in one's area, such as an improperly-grounded neon sign? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The DMCA and tap dancing Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:23:41 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Coming soon to a filesharing network near you, 2:30 of tyler's tap > dance recital, the last thirty seconds of which are cut because 'security' > at the event ordered me shut down the camera. Dude, you didn't do the Michael Moore hack to your camera that lets you switch the red LED off while the camera is still running? How are you and Tyler going to get Project Mayhem off the ground if you keep doing what The Man tells you? Also, I want to see the footage of the security person who made you shut off the camera. > I pay for the tap classm I pay for the tickets to the performance, > now the goon claims 'copyrights' would be violated it I tape my > daughter tap dancing. Yes, if she's tapping out the twist ending to "The DaVinci Code". (IT'S A COOKBOOK! No, wait, I spelled that wrong -- IT'S A WORTHLESSBOOK!) > I complain afterwards, naturally he's just following order of the > house manager, I complain to the stage manager who mutters something > about 'union rules' but gives me a free copy of the video that they > are making for sale. I once got a free copy of the souvenir videotape from "Conan O'Brien's Desk Ride" at NBC headquarters, but I don't know if that was because I simply didn't realize I was supposed to give the guy ten dollars after I took it from his hand and dashed for the exit, or whether they were just in a hurry to get me out of there before the building closed so that they could keep anyone from spying on the secret rehearsals for the side-splittingly hilarious "Saturday Night Live". Okay, must have been the former. > So if the Lincoln theater under 20 tones of xerox copies of the DCMA, > that wasn't me flying the helicopter. And if the goon hadn't made you shut off your camera, you'd now have the only footage of Ford being shot there, Mr. Prudezapper. -- K. Keep zapping those prudes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray for social change! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 01:05:39 -0400 Hey! I just realized that as of less than an hour ago, it would now be legal for me to marry the silver screen's Jack Black should he ever accept my proposal. (I don't know why he hasn't agreed to marry me yet. By the way, can anyone tell me his address or phone number so I can ask him?) For the next few days, I expect my local TV news to have 90% less Michael Jackson and Iraq and Martha Stewart and Donald Trump and a lot more happy people, except for those funny cranks who keep talking about how "those gays keep trying to ram their sexuality down my throat, really hard, over and over..." -- K. Homophobes talk about sucking off men more often than Ronald McDonald talks about hamburgers. However, I think Ronald McDonald talks about blowjobs the most. He likes the pickle-flavored condoms. Oh, and don't ask for a milkshake. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 15:23:48 -0400 Uh oh, someone knows how to push my buttons: Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > DIY Taser > > http://www.techtv.com/unscrewed/ihateyou/story/0,24682,3653392,00.html > > Dark Tip: Reach Out and Zap Someone > Turn your crappy camera into a zestful zapper. > By Joey the Intern > > => When you live in fear-driven times such as these, having grown up with > => MacGyver as a role model has its advantages. Kevin and I thought it > => would be cool to MacGyver our own shocking device in glove form, using > => simply what we had lying around the house. What was lying around the > => house was a simple one-time-use camera. VERY BAD IDEA, dangerous to yourself, dangerous to others, and likely to lead to you getting murdered if you try to defend yourself with it. It's akin to saying "Hey kids! You can make your own machine gun for defending yourself with, by just holding three cherry bombs in your mouth!" > => These disposable cameras (about $5 dollars a pop) have a capacitor > => that can store up to 600 volts of stopping power. When the capacitor > => discharges those volts, it delivers an amperage comparable to stun guns. A real stun gun would go right through the glove and several layers of clothing as well. You can get a stun gun that makes three-quarter-inch arcs off a 9v battery for $30 these days. In fact, you can buy them from Amazon.com -- even in states where they're illegal. Stun guns run at far more than 600v. They're 30,000v to 750,000v, usually off one to three 9v batteres. 600v off small batteries is more similar to what anti-bark collars for dogs use. It would cause pain and momentary distraction (maybe making someone fall over) but then they'd get up and they would be _very_ angry. A stun gun could leave them lying there drooling for a long time. Both could cause little burns, but there's a world of difference between the high-voltage, high-frequency output of a stun gun and a disposable camera's capacitor. This thing's low-voltage, relatively high-amperage output is probably more likely to just cause pain and rage than to disable someone who's determined to get you. You better believe me when I say that if you tried shocking me with one of these home-made gloves, I WOULD BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU. Or at least take your toy glove away and ram it down your throat. (Even real stun guns are not good self-defense weapons -- they require a few seconds of contact, and it's possible for someone to get them away from you during that time if they can fight through the pain. Most don't even have safeties, let alone a feature to disable them if the bad person turns it around -- except for the smaller stunners designed for women. This means that if you keep the batteries in your stun gun, it's not that difficult to sit on the thing and shock yourself accidentally. Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) Don't fuck around with home-made electrical weapons if you don't know volts from amps, AC from DC, etc. And definitely don't fuck around with them on the advice of some bonehead on the Internet. And _certainly_ don't try to defend yourself with something that won't even go through a glove, unless you expect only to be attacked by naked people. Also, "Taser" is not a synonym for "stun gun". A Taser is a specific brand of _projectile_ weapon that shoots wires at people. (In my view, Tasers are one of the worst weapons in history because you can only fire them once. What if you miss? And they're $600!) I would suggest not taking advice from any Web page that doesn't know the difference between a glove and a projectile. Sheesh, I wish Gharlane were still alive so I wouldn't have to be the one to write this rant. -- K. Oh, and also, the article fails to mention that they're encouraging you to commit a felony (in many states) -- possession of an electrical weapon is illegal in a lot of places. (Not only its use, but even its possession.) Nice advice, TechTV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:46:58 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you > > having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) > > Or so KIBO would have you believe. To Kibo, being doused with > pepper spray is about as much of a deterrent as harsh language > or a threatening, manly moustache. Mustaches aren't threatening! Unless they're on women serving Tater Tots in high school. Or worse, women serving Tater Tots in the Department Of Motor Vehicles. And hell yes, I'm serious, pepper spray would incapacitate me and anyone else who has eyeballs connected to their nervous system. Try it if you don't believe me. (I mean try it on _yourself_, you perv.) Seriously, people may be more afraid of stun guns, but pepper spray's more likely to work. > So if you're concerned about personal safety, carry pepper spray > AND a can of Cheez-Whiz, Cheez Whiz comes in glass jars, bozo. Easy Cheese is the stuff that comes in spray cans. Even I know how to tell two disgusting kinds of orange slime apart, though I would never eat either, and would break both shoulders of anyone who offers me any -- I'm gonna go Tony Randall on your collarbone! > just in case your assailant is dressed up as the motorcycle guy from > the Village People. You mean the motorcycle cop? He could sing better than the one identified as the "leather enthusiast", but he didn't have as nice a costume. If you go around pepper-spraying and/or cheez-spraying people wearing cop uniforms, you're going to get beaten up and then thrown into jail, where you'll get beaten up some more. On the other hand, if you assault a leatherman, you're going to get beaten up and then hugged and then beaten up and then hugged until you get so Stockholmed that you'll agree to "eat a banana sideways for Jesus" or whatever the code phrase is this month. > Might be good to MacGuyver up a dual-nozzled device that sprays pepper > and cheez, and also garlic, holy water, kryptonite, and perhaps > supercritical-fluid-extracted chai masala (just in case that's > someone's weakness). Except for the cheez, those are all delicious, especially kryptonite served at the correct temperature (58,000 degrees Kelvin -- never Celsius.) > --J. > Also, girls in thigh-highs. Okay, if Diana Rigg backflips towards me and then partly unzips her shiny black leather catsuit to pull out a big can of pepper spray, you get to organize the betting pool on how many hours our marriage lasts. -- K. If you're trying to come up with a gun that incapacitates and revolts people, why not just get one of those ones where a "BANG!" flag pops out, and replace it with a nude photo of Barbara Bush? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Vaseline in the news Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:25:17 -0400 Just in case nobody else has already mocked today's second most important news story... [from news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Man arrested after hotel room is coated in Vaseline -> -> By Associated Press -> Monday, May 17, 2004 -> -> BINGHAMTON, N.Y. - Talk about a slippery suspect. -> -> A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every -> surface in his room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York. -> -> After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew -> discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery -> stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels -- -> and everything else in the room. Well, once the stuff gets on you, it does tend to get all over the place. Especially once you get it on your feet. -> Police found 14 empty Vaseline containers and numerous pornographic -> magazines in the room's trash can. WHAT SORT OF SICK WERIDO THROWS OUT PORNOGRAPHY? Still, it's good to know that police are going around checking trash cans for porn. -> Damage to the motel room and its contents was estimated at over -> one-thousand dollars. -> -> A sheriff's deputy found the Virginia man a short time later -> at another motel. The deputy said the man was ``smeared from -> head to foot with Vaseline.'' -> -> Chamberlain was sent to jail after being charged with felony -> criminal mischief. -> -> The motel manager says the room still can't be used. Why not? Doesn't Motel 6 have other perverts among its clientele? (I prefer Holiday Inn, myself.) [another angle on the story, from www.newsday.com] => => Man in petroleum jelly jam after failing to slide by police Oh boy! Now we get to read the generic version that doesn't mention Vaseline brand petroleum jelly product by name! => May 17, 2004, 6:58 PM EDT => => release from jail, graf 7. ADDS attempt to reach Chamberlain => unsuccessful, graf 9. REMOVES brf designator. msmjwnbf Beg prdn? => BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) -- Roger Chamberlain may have thought he => managed to slide by police when he switched motels. => => But when he was allegedly found a short while later glimmering => from head to toe in petroleum jelly, authorities believed they => had their man. Glimmering! Glimmering! That's such a beautiful word. I would have just used "glistening". I guess I need more practice thinking about how to describe people coated with generic petroleum jelly. => Chamberlain, 44, of McLean, Va., is accused of coating nearly => every available surface in his room at the Motel 6 near => Binghamton with the unctuous substance. Unctuous! I bet by the end of this article the reporter is going to obsequiously mention his scintillating SAT Verbal score. => Then, after checking out, a cleaning crew discovered the gooey => mess -- one that included mattresses, bedding, a television set, => furniture, carpeting and towels all slathered with petroleum => jelly. If you're not allowed to wipe it on the towels, then where can you wipe it? Hotels usually don't give you enough Kleenex to handle even two jars of Vaseline, let alone fourteen -- or so I've heard. => Damage to the room and its contents was estimated at more than => $1,000, and once police arrived, they found 14 empty petroleum => jelly containers and numerous pornographic magazines in the => trash can, according to WNBF radio in Binghamton. => => A short time later, a sheriff's deputy found Chamberlain in a => room at another motel, his body smeared entirely in the greasy => stuff, authorities said. And, as always, the reporters of the world have let us down by not telling us the most important details: Namely, which magazines the guy liked, and what size Vaseline jars, and what he was wearing (I assume he wasn't naked except for the Vaseline, but if so, they should have said so.) Also, photographs. => Chamberlain was charged May 9 with felony criminal mischief and => ordered held in Broome County Jail. He was released May 11, => Corrections Officer Anthony Rando said. I bet that jail cell is all greasy now, too. => Meanwhile, back at the Motel 6, the manager said Chamberlain's => old room remains unusable. => => An attempt to reach Chamberlain in Virginia was not immediately => successful. If you get through to him, tell him to read the instructions on the back of his Anal Destroyer With ErotiFeel Nubs about how silicone-based lube is good if he has rubber toys, and Vaseline's good if he has silicone toys, and water-based lube will work with either, but he shouldn't put Vaseline on rubber goods or silicone oil on silicone novelties or it will lead to his special little pals slowly dissolving. The water-based gel is the best to use in hotel rooms, because it's easier to clean off the TV screen. Oh, and what channel did he have the TV tuned to? Fun fact: 1010wins.com first reported the story under the headline "Suspected 'Vasoline Terrorist' Targets Motel" but then changed it to "Vaseline Vandal Can't Slip Past Police" because alliteration is funnier than terrorism. Also, someone told them there was no "o" in "Vaseline", despite... oh, never mind, I'm not even going to bother going there. Someone else can make the big "o" joke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 18:19:20 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHAT SORT OF SICK WERIDO THROWS OUT PORNOGRAPHY? > > Iwww, you don't think he'd want to USE it once it was all soaked in > Vaseline, do you? My theories: 1. He has a wife and kids and can't have porn at home so he has to buy it on the way to the hotel and then leave it behind. 2. He just enjoys letting maids find his porn when they empty the trash. > Also, was there really not a single mention of "skin suffocation"? 3. He didn't find any of the porn satisfying because it never once mentioned petroleum-based skin suffocation. -- K. It never does, dammit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:30:01 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> A sheriff's deputy found the Virginia man a short time later > > -> at another motel. The deputy said the man was ``smeared from > > -> head to foot with Vaseline.'' > > -> > > -> Chamberlain was sent to jail after being > > cleaned off? > > > -> charged with felony criminal mischief. > > Oh. You don't _clean_ Vaseline off a perp. You just let the police dogs lick it off. Makes their coats bright and shiny. By the way, I've found out why the guy covered the TV screen with Vaseline. Turns out he was watching "Star Trek" and there was one shot of William Shatner where the director forgot to Vaseline the camera lens, so the slimy guy fixed the most glaring continuity error on "Star Trek" and is now hailed as a hero by people who like their Shatner to look smeary. > > [...] > > > > Glimmering! Glimmering! That's such a beautiful word. I would > > have just used "glistening". I guess I need more practice thinking > > about how to describe people coated with generic petroleum jelly. > > John Kirkpatrick would have used "glistening and glimmering and > glowing with glee", but that's just him. Okay, I'll slather some on the dancing bears so that they'll properly "guh"-alliterate the next time they swoop down on something worthy of their unleashing. > > => Chamberlain was charged May 9 with felony criminal mischief and > > => ordered held in Broome County Jail. He was released May 11, > > => Corrections Officer Anthony Rando said. > > May 9? May 11? You mean they've been sitting on... > > > > OK. Sitting on this story for over a week? While Captain Vaseline > has been loose among us? While the terror level has not even been > raised to reddish-orange? While sales of Vaseline have mysteriously > tripled in certain areas of Virginia, possibly? Sheesh. I'm not sure he's a captain. Maybe a rear admiral. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS GLISTENING AND GLIMMERING AND GLOWING WITH GLOPPY GREAT GLEE AS THEY UNFURL A ROLL OF WAX PAPER, REVEALING A BANNER UPON WHICH THEY'VE WRITTEN IN VASELINE, "THE REASON IT'S SO FUNNY IS BECAUSE 'REAR' IS ANOTHER WORD FOR 'HINDER'!" AND NOW THE FULLY-LUBRICATED DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS HAVE FULFILLED THEIR DAILY DUTY TO BRING LAUGH TRACKS AND/OR MUSIC STINGS TO MEDIA THAT DON'T HAVE THEM, AND THEY'VE ALL GONE BACK TO THEIR CAVE TO HIBERNATE IN ONE BIG GIANT GREASY GOOEY GELLED-UP GLOB. (But don't worry, even if the Dancing Bears Of Obvious are napping, the Dancing Bears Of Duh are still awake, ready to pounce on the next news story to come down the pipe.) > > => An attempt to reach Chamberlain in Virginia was not immediately > > => successful. > > They got through to his friends, but they were laughing too hard to > say where he was. What sort of weirdo would be friends with Rear Admiral Vaseline? Hey, I wonder if we could get him to post to alt.religion.kibology. -- K. He'd certainly be more entertaining than the incredibly boring Ge*rge Hamm*nd and the boring people who follow up to every one of his boring articles to encourage him to be even more boring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 02:06:22 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, someone told them there was no > > "o" in "Vaseline", despite... oh, never mind, I'm not even going > > to bother going there. Someone else can make the big "o" joke. > > Burt Reynolds is Roger Smith? I felt it beneath me to make a reference to a movie I hadn't seen. So instead I was just going to talk about my favorite moment from the cream-pie fight in the rough cut of "Dr. Strangelove", but then I realized that Peter Sellers never said "Vaseline" aloud, just "pure petrrroleum jelly". > Also, you forgot to sign your post, so i don't know who wrote it. Sure you don't, Q*Bert. > you owe me one (1) postscriptum, buddy Don't you "buddy" me, and I don't owe you anything. Be quiet and eat your big bowl of Vaseline. -- . "What sort of pie could go straighter than mince?" -- George C. Scott ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleeping with Kibo Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:33:15 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > As everyone knows, dreams are windows into the Kibonia of the mind. > Most dreams follow perfectly Kibological plotlines, like one minute > you're taking the SAT's naked and the next you're on a roller coaster > sitting next to a penguin who is spanking a supermodel-turned-actress, > usually Denise Richards but sometimes Milla Jovovich, depending on which > science fiction movie you watched before going to bed. > > Then you wake up and the dream fades, and the nightmare of Real Life > begins again. I should point out that I don't enjoy roller coasters. I like to bring that up whenever people express horror at the relatively harmless things I _do_ enjoy, whereas other people seem to willingly subject themselves to small amounts of brain trauma on roller coasters. > So it should be no surprise if Kibo himself makes a guest appearance in > your dreams, but nevertheless I was surprised Sunday morning. I was > cooking some chili for him. It was full of spices so I knew he would > like it. HOWEVER! he never got to eat it because some faceless > six-year-old girl knocked the pot off the stove. I spent the rest of > the dream cleaning up the kitchen floor. > > OK, I guess it was partly my fault because I had the pot handle turned > the wrong way but STILL! what the heck was a six year old girl doing in > my dream? She had no right to be there. Clumsy little rugrat. Kibo > never got his chili. Poor Kibo! It's okay, I made chili at the office today. Opened the can myself. Anyway, I'll keep an eye out for the evil faceless child, though I'm not sure how I'd tell her from all the other ones I see. > And the moral of this story is: NEVER WAKE UP. Someday I'm going to learn to break into people's dreams where I will cook chili which is strong enough that it will keep them from ever waking up. Either that or I'm going to start a school for nudists just so I can give people nightmares about showing up to the final exam with their clothes on. -- K. Yosemite Sam says: Keep those pot handles turned in! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleeping with Kibo Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:36:44 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > I should point out that I don't enjoy [...] small amounts of > > brain trauma on roller coasters. > > I also do not like roller coasters. > > I am not sure of all the reasons why I do not like them. > > One reason I am sure of is because going upside down is not natural. Well, then, you'll never grow up to be Batman unless you overcome your fear of hanging upside-down over a bottomless chasm in order to meditate on how to find criminals wearing fluorescent-colored suits. -- K. You might grow up to be Robin if you forget to cover up those green panties you're wearing, son. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Headless Chicken fun Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:45:39 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a great time at the Mike the Headless Chicken Days festivities last > weekend. It was as if a small town celebration went all kibological > around a wacky theme. > > The fun started with a 5K "Run like a chicken with it's head cut off" and > a cooking contest (both of which I missed due to a good movie on the > SciFi channel back at the hotel.) DOES! NOT! COMPUTE! GOOD! MOVIE! ON! SCI! FI! CHANNEL! ERROR! ERROR! EXPLODE! > The real fun for me was when they started the eating contests. They were > done in small groups of contestants rather than total pig-out contests. > They were going to have a hard-boiled egg eating contest, but weren't > able to get enough cooked in time, so they had an egg-juggling contest > instead. Did you win, or did you get to say "RAM IT, CLOWN!" when Bozo just gave you a lousy Bozo beach towel? > Then they help the peep eating contests, and that was a hoot! They had > dozens of small packages of 4 peeps each. The contestants had to tear > open the package and stuff them in their cake hole. Most would stuff the > whole package at a time, then proceed to the next, while trying to chew > and swallow them. Those brave souls that were able to get three in were > the funniest, as 12 peeps won't fit even in the largest mouth, so varying > degrees of half-mangled peeps were hanging out of their mouths. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO RAM YOUR SEXUALITY DOWN OUR THROATS! You filthy peeposexual. > When they got to the Chicken wings contest, I couldn't restrain myself, > so I joined in. We had 20 seconds to eat as many wings as we could. I > represented ARKians well, and won my group with 7 wings. I was glad they > didn't have a run off, since I had basically swallowed the chicken > without chewing it and they were making their presence known. If Anthony Hopkins showed up singing "Chew chew chew, it is the thing to do," I don't want to know about any contests involving seven gallons of yogurt. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO SQUIRT YOUR BAD MOVIES UP OUR BUTTS! > After the contests, we participated in the Chicken Bingo, in which they > had a big cage with several numbered papers taped to the bottom. They > had fed several chickens cat food (which has a laxitive effect on the > poor birds) and placed them into the cages. The first number to get > pooped on was the winner (numbers cost 25 cents each, the winner got > $1.00). Are you saying there are foods which _don't_ cause chickens to poop constantly? > Later they had a polka band playing while a huge group of participants > set a world record for the longest Chicken Dance (I believe it was 27 > minutes or something like that). If I ever hear that stupid song again, > I think I will have to do violence to an accordion. What if you hear it on a kazoo, harmonica, or other relatively non-annoying instrument? What if I do it as off-key Tuvan throat singing? What if I retool a "Chicken Dance Elmo" to sing it Tuvan-style while he stands next to that the 2004 edition of the Elmo doll that dances "Y-M-C-A"? I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TELLING KIDS THE ALPHABET GOES IN THAT ORDER! > As the day went on, it came to my favorite part, the Crusty Family Circus > Spectacular (a side show from Denver). If you ever get a chance, you > need to check them out. They were great entertainers. Fire breathers, > Spikes up the nose, electric chairs, contortionists, Ukalele players, Bed > of Nail layer-oners, etc. Great fun was had by all! There's a bed of nails at Boston's Museum of Science right now. It is a marvel of modern technology. It's pneumatically-activated! You lie on the perforated board and then the nails come up from below to lift you. Unfortunately, it works too well and produces no injuries at all. > They also had some cool jugglers known as the Handsome Little Devils, to > jugglers that were quite entertaining. My favorite part of their act was > when they were bouncing on pogo-sticks that had been modified to shoot > flames, while wearing flaming helmets and juggling burning torches. If Bob Burden and Chris Wink had a child, he would be a Handsome Little Devil. -- K. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP WEARING FLAMING HELMETS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Acupuncture can help with this? Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 01:09:45 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > A few months ago I got a brochure for the local accupuncturist in my > mailbox and just before it went straight in the bin I saw that it claimed > to help with things such as "severe clumsiness" > and also "difficulty swallowing" and an "overactive gag reflex" - now why > would someone need treatment for those two in particular? My boxes of acupuncture needles haven't arrived yet, so ask again next week, you severely clumsy person with difficulty swallowing, an overactive gag reflex, and crippling pee-shyness. -- K. Hey, here's an idea -- the acupuncturists of the world should ignore the silly charts of "points" and "meridians" and "doohickeys" and just put needles all over your entire body to cure all possible diseases at once. That would even work on diseases that haven't been discovered yet, like implosive diarrhea. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:15:08 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle was so broken up over the death of Jonathan > Brandis that he shot wildly and hit Tony Randall! Damn you, Talysman! I liked Tony Randall, especially the way he made a great bozo detector in that you could ask people whether he was gay and if they said he was gay then you knew they were really clueless. "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter" is the best thing he was ever in -- that's a movie that needs to be seen widescreen, nobody but the Coen brothers makes ultra-wide comedies any more -- and of course while I was growing up I practically memorized every episode of "The Odd Couple". (My favorite's the one about the avant-garde play involving a penguin and Felix's girlfriend getting naked in a giant bathtub.) One of the great things about Mr. Randall was that he carved out this unique niche where he tended to play square characters who were thrust into racy situations. He always played the tightly-laced neighbor who came unglued when he walked in on your orgy. In real life, he managed to be both debonair and bawdy, and he was always the center of attention. A great role model for those of us who want to grow up to be dirty old men who somehow manage to be cool. So long, Felix. -- K. Talysman, why couldn't you have killed Al Molinaro instead? It's not like it would have been that hard to make him choke on an On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Entree. I recommend the one with the unchewable cardboard meatballs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 15:18:53 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Damn you, Talysman! I liked Tony Randall, especially the way he made > > a great bozo detector in that you could ask people whether he was gay > > and if they said he was gay then you knew they were really clueless. > > well, hey, *I* liked Tony Randall, too. why do you think I mention > him so much? he had a baby when he was SEVENTY. how cool is that? > > (ok, technically, it was his hot young wife who had the baby. all > he did was pop the viagra and scream "I DO NOT LOVE SIDNEY!") I'm ashamed to admit I've seen at least one episode of the truly terrible warm-and-fuzzy-and-gay-vague sitcom "Love, Sidney" all the way through. It was the one where little proto-Punky Brewster was shellacking her dollhouse with spray varnish and Tony Randall warned her to be careful but she accidentally sprayed him in the eyes and he went blind and perhaps permanently, so she felt so guilty about it that at the end of the episode the emotional catharsis was that she sprayed herself in the eyes for about fifteen seconds. Only on a show that bad, guaranteed to have zero audience, can you get away with saying, "Hey kids! You can solve your problems by blinding yourself, and here's how to do it!" > dammit, now I want to go find a copy of "The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao". > actually, I want even more badly to find a copy of "The Circus of > Dr. Lao", but there's room enough in my desire to want both a movie > and a book. So do you think that really was Joel Hodgson's favorite movie, or was he fibbing when he said so on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Also, Tony Randall in drag as Medusa? How the hell did they pitch this movie to studio executives? "It's Medusa, see, but she's even scarier because she's also Felix Unger!" Except I don't think anyone other than Jack Lemmon had been Felix Unger yet. But still, the idea of Tony Randall as Medusa must have only appealed to the most insane movie executives in history, you know, the same ones who greenlighted "The Road To Wellville". > > "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter" is the best thing he was ever in -- > > would you say the worst movie he was ever in was "Hello Down There", > the movie about his swingin' bathysphere pad that I was obliquely > referring to in that seaquest post? Yes, but only under its other title, "Sub-A-Dub-Dub", because that title hints it's going to be about three men in a tub, and I don't want to think about Tony Randall climbing into a giant bathtub with Jack Klugman, Al Molinaro, and a penguin. > I don't remember too much from that movie -- which is always a bad sign -- > although I remember that he moved his family into a bathysphere and then > allowed his teenage daughter's boyfriend (WHOM HE HATED) to move in as > well, and THEN he allowed the boyfriend's rockband to move in, even > though he also hated rock music. as far as I know, that was the entire > plot, but taken together with your comments about how he played squares > in racey situations, you can pretty much reconstruct the entire movie. And someday we may have to, in a courtroom setting. "Now, Talysman, use this storyboard to show us where the bad movie touched you." > what would you say was the worst teevee show he was ever in? I was > about to say his came appearance on "Alice", but I'm not even sure > he was on "Alice". but it's quite possible he was, and I hated all > cameos on "Alice", so mark me down for hating his perhaps mythical > cameo on that show. "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour". The _funniest_ moment during that episode was when he said "Up your nose with a rubber hose." Was he also on "Pink Lady & Jeff"? I assume so, since he was on everything. It's been a year or two since I watched all six episodes of it in one day. (One of the two Japanese gals is cute, but I never can remember which.) > of course, I can already guess which cameo of his *you* hate, but > I would like to say in advance that his cameo was pretty good in > that show; it was just the show in general that sucked. also, I will > refrain from naming the show-in-question right now, so that you can > have an opportunity to rant about it some more. > > I don't know which one you mean. He did so many cameos in so many terrible shows (that was one reason we loved him so much, because he travelled around bringing little moments of wit and class to crappy shows around the world.) I tried looking him up at IMDB.com, but I got a page titled "Kaboom!" that dumped a bunch of internal variables at me from a server named "imdb-online-1108.vdc.amazon.com" (Shock! Horror! IMDB _might_ be affiliated with a company that sells DVDs! The very same company that advertises on every single page on IMDB!) I liked Tony Randall's late period, where whenever he made a cameo he was playing "Big TV Star Tony Randall". "Look, Replacement Jan, it's Big TV Star Tony Randall!" > > Talysman, why couldn't > > you have killed Al Molinaro > > instead? It's not like it > > would have been that hard > > to make him choke on an > > On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size > > Entree. I recommend the > > one with the unchewable > > cardboard meatballs. > > well, see, since my prosopagnosia severly affects my recognition of > celebrities, I don't even know who Al Molinaro is, which makes it much > harder to aim that damned death ray. I could actually recognize Tony > Randall, and even Tony Randall's court reporter, although I think I > still need to hear them speak before I'm certain. You must have a pretty severe case if you can't recognize his nose. Al Molinaro's face was _designed_ for prosopagnosiacs to appreciate. You should be able to recognize him, Jack Palace, Phineas Gage, John Merrick, and other people with odd faces. Al Molinaro was "Al DelVecchio" (one of the four or so owners of Arnold's) on "Happy Days" and "Murray The Cop" on "The Odd Couple", and these days appears in those frozen-food commercials where people always say, "Al, there's too much delicious food in this On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Tub Of Starchy Wads!" and then he follows them home so he can eat their food for them. > anyways, it's things like this that have made me cut my USENET posting > waaaaay back. I am far too powerful. Ah, good, IMDB.com is back on-line, you didn't break it permanently. Let's see, bad things he was in... Oh yes, "My Little Pony: The Movie". I remember him having a lot of fun promoting that on David Letterman's show with a completely straight face. He emphasized that not only did he get to meet the ponies, he sang them a song! And then Dave played the clip several times to torture the audience. I'm not sure if that was the same appearance where Tony told the story about how he was at a classical-music concert and the guy in the seat in front of him kept air-conducting so he leaned forward and broke the guy's collarbone with both hands. It wasn't the same episode where he mud-wrestled. Here's a particularly horrifying section of his listing from IMDB: -> 14. My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) (voice) .... The Moochick -> -> 15. International Championship of Magic (1985) (TV) -> -> 16. Hitler's S.S.: Portrait in Evil (1985) (TV) .... Putzi (the comedian) -> -> 17. Pigs Vs. Freaks (1984) (TV) .... Rambaba Organimus -> ... aka Off Sides (1984) (TV) (USA: theatrical title) -> -> 18. "Love, Sidney" (1981) TV Series .... Sidney Shore -> -> 19. Sidney Shorr: A Girl's Best Friend (1981) (TV) .... Sidney Shorr -> ... aka Sidney Shorr (1981) (TV) -> -> 20. Bob Hope for President (1980) (TV) -> -> 21. Foolin' Around (1980) .... Peddicord -> -> 22. Gong Show Movie, The (1980) .... Performer in Tuxedo And yet we loved him for trying so hard to momentarily improve the quality of all the steaming video turds he appeared in. Him and Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price and other people who spent their lives doing cameos in anything and everything while retaining their dignity. They're sorely missed. Nobody does that now. Nobody! DEAR HOLLYWOOD, I WILL DO IT. PUT ME IN YOUR AWFUL SHOWS IN WALK-ON ROLES AS "FAMOUS TV STAR JAMES 'KIBO' PARRY" AND FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL THANK YOU FOR YOUR NOBLE EFFORTS TO BRING A MOMENT OF QUALITY TO YOUR CRAP. -- K. It really says something that Tony Randall gave the funniest performance in "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex", even though he was in the same sketch as Woody Allen and Burt Reynolds. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 23:57:03 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm ashamed to admit I've seen at least one episode of the truly > > terrible warm-and-fuzzy-and-gay-vague sitcom "Love, Sidney" all > > the way through. > > Jeez, and I watched it regularly when it was on. I distinctly > remember wondering why a show with Tony Randall in it sucked so bad. Okay, now to give you nightmares: Imagine how horrible the show would have been if it had starred Al Molinaro instead of Tony Randall. And not just regular Al Molinaro. Gay vague Al Molinaro. He'd keep telling women in the supermarket, "My alternative family will be over at eight," whenever they have too much Trader Joe's Family Size Creme Brulee. > > the most insane movie executives in history, you know, the same ones > > who greenlighted "The Road To Wellville". > > Hey. I liked that movie. You're trashing everything I believe in! > OK, so Broderick was terrible. The rest of the movie was fabulous. So are you the woman who goes to the porn store to ask them to put more plot in the enema videos, or the woman who asks for less plot in the enema videos? I mean, if you liked that movie, you must be pretty finicky about all the other enema porn movies you see. > > (One of the two Japanese gals is cute > > Cut it out, Kibo. Why? Is there some reason I can't have the hots for women who can't speak English and dress like roller-disco versions of Wonder Woman? > [concerning Tony Randall's body of distinguished work in dreadful things] > > Fucking fabulous! Why don't we have Tony Randall on the official > Kibology pride flag? I'm not kidding, this man's resume leaves William > Shatner in the dust. When I finally get around to designing the Kibology pride flag, you can bet your shiny metal bippy that it's not going to have a picture of any actor's face on it. Flags with faces are creepy. However, maybe the colors of some of the stripes can represent Tony Randall, Erin Moran, Gene Rayburn, and/or Wil Wheaton. The question is, which of the stripes should intersect? And should they penetrate, or just lie across each other? -- K. Also, the flag should have a 298-word motto printed on it in a font that's forbidden to be used for anything other than the flag. I suggest Arial. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 13:49:03 -0400 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I would just like to say that I've read a lot of Wil Wheaton's blogs > > lately, and I'm growing to really like the kid. I think he'd be a fun > > nurd to hang with if he weren't all like famous and shit. > > It's kind of weird knowing that he owns books I contributed to. What's even weirder is that he's the only one on the whole Internet who doesn't own any of those Shatner novels that I ghostwr-- I mean, those Shatner novels that really suck. In any case, GET OVER YOURSELF! WIL WHEATON IS A PERFECTLY ORDINARY HUGE CELEBRITY WHO MAKES FIVE HUNDRED EIGHTY MILLION DOLLARS A WEEK SELLING PEOPLE HIS AUTOGRAPH, JUST LIKE ME! And you can hang with me any day, baby. If you don't mind livin' on the edge and walking on the wild side, and possibly losing at pinball. I'll even give you a 10% discount if you buy ten autographs, provided you don't mind me writing "NOT FOR RESALE ON eBAY" below them, or that they'd all be on the dust jackets of "Tekwar" novels. -- K. Oh, and lest anyone accidentally be trolled, I'd like to state for the record that I have never ghostwritten for anyone from the original "Star Trek" series, or "Deep Space Nine" or "Voyager" or "Enterprise". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 16:57:03 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning "Love, Sidney"] > > > > Only on a show that bad, guaranteed to have zero audience, can you > > get away with saying, "Hey kids! You can solve your problems by > > blinding yourself, and here's how to do it!" > > Oh, come on, "Oedipus Rex" wasn't THAT bad. It was once they put Punky Brewster in it. The other thing I remember about that show -- in addition to it desperately trying to stir up controversy by being gay while the network loudly insisted the character was not gay (in order to keep both homophobes and gays from watching) -- is that one episode featured Tony Randall appearing _nude_ in front of a live studio audience. It was some episode which revolved around him dropping the towel and mooning the studio audience, but the camera only showed him from the waist up, and the studio audience didn't even bother gasping in horror (allegedly because they were watching the overhead TV screens, but I think they were just asleep.) So imagine a show starring proto-Punky Brewster (when she was even younger and more cloying) and gay-but-not-gay NAKED Tony Randall, and that's the horror that was "Love, Sidney". > > ["The 7 Faces Of Dr. Lao"] > > > > Also, Tony Randall in drag as Medusa? How the hell did they pitch > > this movie to studio executives? "It's Medusa, see, but she's even > > scarier because she's also Felix Unger!" Except I don't think anyone > > other than Jack Lemmon had been Felix Unger yet. > > Jack Lemmon: Played Felix Unger. Dead. > > Tony Randall: Played Felix Unger. Dead. > > Now, who else has played Felix Unger? Who else is in line for the > Death Ray? That's right: Sally Struthers! And more recently, Barbara > Eden! IMMINENT DEATH OF BLONDES PREDICTED. Don't forget Ron Glass, from "The New Odd Couple", a 1982 writer's-strike-and- desperate-attempt-to-put-some-black-folks-on-the-air-where-Whitey-won't-have- to-look-at-them-in-order-to-meet-the-quota-as-long-as-the-network-is-just- producing-filler-from-old-scripts disaster. They made 13 episodes, of which 8 re-filmed scripts from the real show. (I think the other 5 were recycled "Star Trek: Phase II" scripts.) Perennial "Match Game" nitwit Bart Braverman was one of the wacky neighbors. The show's logo was in Churchward 70, a typeface you could tell was twelve years out of date without even looking at the date in its name. I think everyone had a hard time wrapping their brain around Felix being black but still having all of Tony Randall's dialogue. Tony Randall's Felix was possibly the whitest person ever on TV who wasn't Jim Backus. -- K. Unless I become a TV star. Or am I actually _too_ white to be on network TV? My skin is the color of Cool Whip. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 17:01:09 -0400 I just wrote: > > [concerning "Love, Sidney"] > > [...] they put Punky Brewster in it. Correction: I had mis-remembered the show as actually containing little Soleil Moon Frye ("Punky Brewster") and not some other identical, cloying moppet. My apologies to Miss Moon Frye for mistakenly thinking she was in some way involved with a show where Tony Randall got nude but not gay. -- K. Maybe she was on "Hooperman". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 14:43:02 -0400 [from apnews.excite.com] -> -> Student Drinks Chemical on a Dare -> -> May 18, 12:03 PM (ET) -> -> ODESSA, Texas (AP) - A student who drank a chemical from his high -> school lab on a dare was recovering in a hospital, but not before -> a scare. -> -> The student drank the unidentified chemical on a bet at the -> school, said Nancy Smith, a UMC supervisor. Wait, wait, hello Mr. or Mrs. anonymous reporter, "a dare" and "a bet" are two wholly different things. Your sloppy reporting is ruining my enjoyment of this idiot drinking poison. I need to know exactly what pinbrained reason this peahead had if you want me to completely understand the logic of why he did it. Also, if it was a bet, did he drink the stuff to win the bet, or because he lost a bet? And if it was a dare, was it a single or double dare? Remember, kids, double dares are twice as dangerous! I think there was an episode of "Shazam!" about that. -> "We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist," -> Assistant Principal Ray Lascano said. "All of those materials -> belonged to one of the chemistry labs." -> -> The student was found last Wednesday in a school hallway, -> bleeding from the nose and mouth. Wuss. Try growing a full beard and mustache and then putting bleach on all your facial hair for an hour. -> The unidentified student, a junior at Odessa High School, was -> upgraded Monday from critical to satisfactory condition at -> University Medical Center in Lubbock. -> -> Lascano, who talked with the youth's mother Monday afternoon, -> said swelling in his throat had receded enough for him to talk. -> The student was moved from the Lubbock hospital's intensive-care -> unit to the pediatric unit, he said. He wasn't put in a special all-glass observation cell so they could watch for any signs that he might be turning into either Mr.Hyde or The Incredibly Stupid Hulk? -> Lascano said Ector County Independent School District officials -> were still investigating. So let's see. We don't know why he did it. We don't know what chemical he said he drank. We don't know his name. Good job, reporter person. Of course, it's possible they're withholding the kid's name because he's a juvenile and they want to protect him from the ridicule he'd receive once the newspaper revealed his full legal name is I. M. A. Totalfreakinmoronduhduhduh. -- K. I want to visit him in the hospital while wearing my "I EAT GLUE" t-shirt and sipping some blue Kool-Aid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 12:58:34 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I'm constantly amazed that more teenaged boys don't off themselves in > > science class. In high school, I had the misfortune of being at the > > chemistry table next to C.S. Ed and his partner. To call these two 17 > > year old boys "dangerous" would be an insult to the word. "Suicidal" > > is closer, but ultimately the loses out to the phrase "complete fucking > > idiots". How else do you describe guys who mix together random > > chemicals just to make pretty colors? > > Fashion victims. You're welcome. Thank you, Carson Kressley. > > The first day of chem lab, my lab partner Stephanie and I made sure we > > had located: > > > > 1. The fire extinguisher > > 2. The chemical shower > > 3. The door > > 4. All the windows > > 5. Something heavy to break the windows open with > > 6. The nearest thick, reinforced wall Guys look for all of those too, except we see high-contrast video images with ridiculously-ornate red crosshairs superimposed on those things and the word "DESTROY" flashing in one of those fonts that videogames from the 1950s would have used if there had been videogames in the 1950s. > > I consider myself lucky that, during the year, we only had to use half > > of the items on the list. > > Please please please: which half? This isn't going to be that joke about how you and your lab partner shared the fire extinguisher and you were only allowed to use half of it but your half was on the bottom, is it? Because if it is, that joke only works about milkshakes. > > Also, Stephanie's eyebrows eventually grew back. > > Do they meet in the middle? I already thanked you once, Carson! Oh, and speaking of people named Carson, Carson, if you want to see Ed McMahon tortured while gagged, the Disney TV-movie "Safety Patrol" is the movie for you. He even gets shat upon. I think Disney's quality standards have slipped a little since... um... when exactly was Disney making TV-movies that weren't moronic? -- K. That's one of those movies where you can tell that even Leslie Nielsen is tired of knocking stuff over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 15:28:44 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, it's possible they're withholding the kid's name because > > he's a juvenile and they want to protect him from the ridicule he'd > > receive once the newspaper revealed his full legal name is > > I. M. A. Totalfreakinmoronduhduhduh. > > Famous (nearly last) words from classmate in high school: > > "I think this is a telephone line." If those were nearly his last words, I'm wondering what his last words were. How about, "I think this is a telephone line, therefore I'm going to put it in my ear!"? Anyway, we neeeeeeeed to know the rest of your story about the imbecile and the electricity. (Note how I assumed your friend was a "he", because girls aren't smart enough to try to learn about electricity by sticking their fingers into it.) -- K. And yet school nurses seem unprepared despite all students being at constant risk of major stupidity. Anyone have any good school nurse stories? (And no, I don't mean THAT kind of story...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 16:25:57 -0400 [from www.NYTimes.com] -> -> May 17, 2004 -> -> For This Animated Movie, a Cast of Household Names -> By ERIC A. TAUB -> -> SANTA MONICA, Calif. -- Remember "Toy Story," the $191 million -> blockbuster that introduced Pixar Animation Studios in 1995 as a -> major producer of computer-animated movies? Two of the most -> popular offbeat characters were Mr. Potato Head and Slinky Dog, -> both based on long-established products. Yeah, except that Slinky Dog had been off the market for a couple decades before the movie came out. I never saw one before then. Also, the movie featured the good Mr. Potato Head from when I was little, not the lame modern one where you can't even remove the arms. -> Threshold Entertainment, a modestly sized animation and special -> effects company that has never made a full-length animated film -> before, hopes to go "Toy Story" one better -- actually, 78 better -- -> with "Foodfight!," an animated movie that takes place in a -> supermarket after the lights go down. -> -> The company has the right to use animated versions of 80 -> name-brand products and their associated characters, including -> Charlie the Tuna and the Brawny paper towel man. The old Brawny man or the new metrosexual Brawny man who reminds us that new Brawny has a softer side and likes to cry during soap operas? Come to think of it, forget the other 79 products. The movie should just be based on those commercials with the old Brawny guy being made uncomfortable by the new Brawny guy having strange new emotions while they watch TV together. ( http://www.commercialcloset.org/cgi-bin/iowa/portrayals.html?record=1566 ) -> Threshold -- like Pixar, DreamWorks and Disney before it -- is -> trying to spin gold from digital threads in the always-challenging -> animated film business, and it is pinning its hopes on "Foodfight!" -> The movie is not expected to be released until late 2005, at the -> earliest, and the company does not yet have a deal with a distributor. Here's my brilliant idea. A movie that takes place in a video store where, every night, the box art of hundreds of movies you can buy comes to life, like in those old Warner Brothers cartoons about book titles. And all these movies from major studios would tell you how much you loved movies from those major studios. I bet that would find a distributor real fast. I'M RICH!!! My working title is "Blockbuster: The Blockbuster". -> But it does have a clever script, some Hollywood heavyweights, -> high-powered technology and a widely, even globally, known cast. -> In the movie, Charlie, Mr. Clean, the Coca-Cola polar bears and -> other well-known product icons come alive at night after the -> customers have left. Okay, I've softened my position, we can include one other advertising icon. It can be a love triangle between the two Brawny guys and Mr. Clean. But no talking fish. An no talking diapers, period. That's just wrong. -> Joining with characters created by Threshold -- among them Dex Dogtective, FLUNK! -> who runs the Copabanana nightclub in the produce section, FLUSH! -> and Daredevil Dan, a chocolate squirrel -- they try to save the -> store from the evil Brand X. I expect that, due to ethnic sensitivity on the part of the filmmakers, Daredevil Dan is a rappin', jive-talkin' "chocolate" squirrel to make up for the fact that the advertising icons of the world are all Anglo, except for Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima and that Japanese guy who used to play Colonel Sanders. Also... WHAT SORT OF SUPERMARKET SELLS CHOCOLATE RODENTS THAT AREN'T BUNNIES? -> "I'm fascinated by worlds that are wholly different worlds when -> you turn your back," said Larry Kasanoff, Threshold Entertainment's -> chairman. "Like the way this movie seems like a great idea but only when you're not thinking about it!" -> [...] -> -> In March, Threshold's newest entertainment, "Star Trek: The -> Experience -- Borg Invasion 4D," opened at the Las Vegas Hilton. -> The 7 1/2-minute film, enhanced by spray-in-your-face effects and -> gyrating seats, takes participants through the wild ride of a -> space station under attack, while enveloping them from all sides -> in 3-D images. At last scientists have learned that the fourth dimension consists of squirt guns. "Oh no, the Borg are moistening us!" -> [...] -> -> For all its technological sophistication, Threshold has struggled -> to bring "Foodfight!" to the big screen. It was originally -> announced in 2001 and due to be finished 15 to 18 months later. -> The expected completion date is still almost 15 months away. -> -> The delay was a result of an unexpected calamity. As one of the -> film's characters might say, "We wuz robbed!" During the 2002 -> Christmas holiday, the hard drives that held the film's files -> were stolen. -> -> "It was an incredibly complex crime," Mr. Kasanoff said. "They -> got into the cold room, a room within a room within a room." -> Because it was a large-scale theft of intellectual property, the -> Secret Service took part in the investigation. The crime remains -> unsolved, and no material has appeared on the black market, Mr. -> Kasanoff said. -> -> The company was insured for the loss, but except for some -> reference images, it had to start over. Here's a movie idea: A computer-animation company that's never heard of offsite backups. It could be called "Idiots In Charge". And it would be even funnier if they were making something very time-sensitive, such as a movie based on TV commercials from 2002. Do you think the movie will contain one "Macarena" scene, or two? Quite possibly two, because commercials are so behind the times that there's _still_ one on the air with a "Macarena" reference, that Pepto-Bismol ad where the five office workers do the "Macarena"-style dance to represent that they have diarrhea. I am not making this up, there's a diarrhea dance modelled on "Macarena". And my article says "Macarena" six times and "diarrhea" only four. I apologize for not saying "diarrhea" more often than "Macarena". -> [...] -> -> Mr. Kasanoff insists that "Foodfight!" will not be one long -> product commercial. To guard against that charge, the -> product-based characters will play a lesser role than Threshold's -> creations and do not overtly promote the packaged goods they -> represent. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF... oh, wait, I can't do that. I licensed the dancing bears to a toilet-paper company. These product-based characters are busy not overly promoting the packaged goods they represent. -> "If you're 11 years old, and I'm going to make you believe this -> is real, you have to see something that you're familiar with," -> Mr. Kasanoff said. "But the main characters are the ones we've -> created." Good filmmakers try to make you believe their movies are _good_. Bad filmmakers think they can make you believe their movies are _real_. If I want to see reality, I'll go to the alley behind the theater. -> Mr. Kasanoff nonetheless expects the packaged goods manufacturers -> featured in the movie to spend heavily to promote it. Amy Donges, -> a Procter & Gamble marketing specialist supervising that -> company's interest in the film, said that it might cross-promote -> the movie on some product labels but that no specific marketing -> budget has been formulated yet. So how much did they have to pay this New York Times reporter to tell us this film isn't all paid propaganda? Or is the reporter just stupid? We'll know when we see this reporter trying to figure out whether "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" might contain product placements. Oh, and I hear "The Price Is Right" is going to have them starting next season. -> Still, she says she is impressed with what she's seen so far. -> -> "The 'Foodfight!' graphics are absolutely amazing, comparable to -> Pixar's," she said. "It's even more real life." I want to know what planet these people are smoking so I can not go there and not have to run into the real Charlie The Tuna and the real Pringles guy and the real talking diaper that these people are asking for advice on how to make this movie. -- K. I would like to meet the real Michelin Man, though. P.S.: diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 18:07:02 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, the movie featured the good Mr. Potato Head from when I was > > little, not the lame modern one where you can't even remove the arms. > > The Mr. Potato Head from when I was a kid was just a set of little > plastic pieces. You were supposed to supply your own potato, and you > could stick the pieces wherever you wanted. I don't remember when > they started including the plastic potato with pre-drilled holes. > Probably when instant mashed potato flakes replaced instant mashed > potato powder. Yeah, that's the real _original_ Mr. Potato head. One of those toys that contained only about a quarter-ounce of toy and then you had to supply your own rancid food to complete it, leading to horrible rotting smells in your toy box and people starving to death in Asia because you wasted a potato. I never had one of those. I had the _good_ Mr. Potato Head, which was a dark brown hard plastic potato with a bunch of holes, and you could stick eyes and arms and feet in him. But about ten years ago, they changed him to a more orangish-tan color as opposed to the nice rich brown of the original, and they permanently attached his arms (why? I dunno, unless they just wanted to remove 50% of the play value.) They also ruined Fisher Price Little People by replacing them with injection-molded plastic figurines that look like Baby Andy Richter. Still, at least Playmobil is still making toys with a certain edge to them. I have the Playmobil hazmat crew, and the Playmobil devil, but I still need to get that 2001 set (#3014) that had the leatherbiker with the orange beard, and one of the various German riot cops. Then the four of them can act out little "Herman's Head" style psychodramas as the four things I could be when I grow up. Note that I'm the guy in set #3014, not #3831, because I'm not one of those vest-over-muscle-shirt guys. Also I don't own (or want) a motorcycle. But, dammit, #3014 is clearly a toy version of me. #3014: http://www.tagdocs.de/gvg/playmo/chop/tiger.jpg #3831: http://www.honda-geneve.com/Toys/PlayMobile/3831.jpg I don't know why #3014 is wearing a Fred Flintstone shirt under his leather jacket, but it's a good look. -- K. Lego would _never_ have a devil, let alone anyone with studded leather pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 13:25:41 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > When I worked at Head Start, one Mr Potato Head had permanently > > attached arms. They always pointed down and were bent at the elbows, a > > little like Spongebob's arms. > > The other Mr Potato Head had permanently attached blue plastic feet, > > but no arms. It's hard for me to understand this pointless tampering with the inherent nature of Mr. Potato Head performed by the diabolical masterminds of the Playskool corporation from year to year. What's next? One leg permanently attached, and one arm? And both located in the center of his forehead? Is Playskool trying to prepare us for the all-too-soon future where we will all be radioactive mutants and no two people will have the same number of arms or legs permanently attached in the same places? I just hope they never change the Mr. Potato Head toys to match the horrible, awful comic strip "drawn" by a sweatshop in India that rubber-stamps Jim Davis's name to it. This would result in Mr. Potato Head being an even more hideous lump of plastic with even less innate funny. You'd look at Mr. Potato Head and say, "Even as single pieces of injection-molded tan plastic, that one's really not funny!" > > One day I was playing Mr Potato Head with the kids, and they would > > knock the poor guy's hat off. One three year old said, "That's mean!" > > and all the kids giggled and took turns knocking off Mr Potato Head's > > fedora. The now-famous Brenda came running over, took my Mr Potato Head > > away from me, and scolded all of us for using the word "mean". > > "NO ONE IS MEAN!!!" she yelled. "NO ONE USES THE WORD 'MEAN' IN THIS > > ROOM!!!" > > That's when the psychotic 3 year old pointed at Brenda and yelled > > "chicken butt!" at her and literally fell on the floor laughing. > > We moved to another table and played with the other Mr Potato Head. That's mean. Maybe the first Mr. Potato head was sad that you stopped playing with him just because you got yelled at for playing with him. > > Thus endeth my Potato Head experience. Amen. > > THAT'S AN ANAGRAM OF THE WORD 'MEAN'!!! NO ONE USES ANAGRAMS OF THE > WORD 'MEAN' IN THIS ROOM!!! That rule only applies if you're a Moor. > UNLIKE SOME ROOMS I COULD NA... er... never mind. NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, USES HALF AN ANAGRAM TO TRY TO KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE! Unless you meant to say "Unlike some rooms I could naturally fit into because their doorways are wide and pear-shaped." That would be okay because it wouldn't insult anyone except fat people, and it's okay to be mean as long as we don't use the word "mean" while doing it. Or you could have said "Unlike some rooms I could napalm," but that same rule would apply about not saying "mean" while burning people alive. -- K. P.S. chicken butt! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News updates, because I cannot rest until you know all! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 01:13:02 -0400 Regarding the idiot teen who drank chemicals on a "dare" or "bet": [www.oaoa.com] -> -> Student 'won' bet to drink a poison -> -> By Bob Campbell -> Odessa American -> -> The condition of an Odessa High School junior who drank a poison -> chemical on "a bet" last Wednesday at the school was upgraded from -> "critical" to "satisfactory" at University Medical Center in Lubbock. However, his "a bet" was downgraded to "an act of such stupidity it made Jar-Jar look like Albert Einstein, only smarter". -> Assistant Principal Ray Lascano said swelling in the youth's -> throat had receded enough for him to talk and that OHS students -> and faculty members are relieved that he appears to be out of -> jeopardy. That's good, because I don't think he'd be able to stand up to Alex Trebek heckling him over answering every question wrong, including during the interview. -> "There was deep concern, but everything seems to be going in a -> positive direction," Lascano said Monday afternoon after talking -> with the youth's mother. "He's speaking and can converse. He's a -> good kid, and he had a strong value-based group that he was -> hanging around with." "strong value-based group"? Would those be the other idiot teens who bet him he could drink the caustic solvent, or is that newspaper code-speak for "alternative-lifestyle family" and/or "Scientology"? -> Lascano said ECISD officials are still investigating the incident -> to determine how and why the youth ingested the chemical. "How"? WITH HIS MOUTH, DIMSHITS! -> The student was found shortly after 3:30 p.m. last Wednesday in an -> OHS hallway, bleeding from the nose and mouth. He was taken to -> Medical Center Hospital and airlifted to Lubbock. -> -> "We're still working on how it happened," he said. WITH HIS MOUTH, TURDLOCK! -> "We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist. All of those -> materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs." Or perhaps he tried the "Taco Patty" at the Waterman Elementary cafeteria. -> He added that the youth transferred to ECISD in January from -> Andrews. Lascano said the student had been moved from the Lubbock -> hospital's intensive-care unit to the pediatric unit. UMC House -> Supervisor Nancy Smith reported the youth's improved condition -> Monday and said he took another student's $2 bet before drinking -> the chemical. THERE is the piece of information I needed! How dumb is this nameless idiot? So dumb he wouldn't permanently dissolve his entire gastrointestinal system for $1, but he would for $2! And now in our other top story today... The man I identified as "Rear Admiral Vaseline", who was arrested for coating an entire hotel room with (approximately) 14 jars of Vaseline, has had his mug shot and arrest report posted by TheSmokingGun.com. Take a look at the ginchy-gooey slimo here: => http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0518041motel1.html It may be the only police report you'll ever see that uses the phrase "slathered with Vaseline" that many times in that few pages. It offers a few details that weren't in the newspapers, such as that he was apparently high on crack, but it still fails to identify which porno magazines he was reading or which channel he had left the Vaseline-coated TV tuned to. What puzzles me is the reference to Chore Boy scouring pads as crack paraphernalia. (They're copper mesh pads, Leonard Nimoy wore one as a headband in the "Star Trek" episode "Spock's Brain".) How do Chore Boy pads help people smoke crack in order to get into the proper mental state to travel around smearing hotel TV sets with Vaseline? I am clueless about drug stuff... -- K. I only understood the pervert parts of the article, not the drug parts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Introducing: The German Toilet Ghost Dominatrix! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 03:43:53 -0400 I'm not sure how to say "German Toilet Ghost Dominatrix" auf Deutsch, but I bet that the Germans have a single word for this concept because it seems like the sort of thing they'd be talking about all the time. [from www.reuters.co.uk] -> -> Talking toilet orders German men to sit down -> Tue 18 May, 2004 16:53 -> -> BERLIN (Reuters) -- A German inventor who developed a gadget that -> berates men if they try to use the toilet standing up has sold -> more than 1.6 million devices, his business manager says. -> -> German women fed up with a man with a poor aim can turn to the -> ghost-shaped gadget, which lurks under the toilet rim and, if the -> seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone: -> -> "Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right -> away, you are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make -> a right mess..." But... why is the dominatrix a ghost? Are German men even more afraid of ghosts than they are of German women? -> Alex Benkhardt, 46, invented the "WC Ghost" and its creators are -> in negotiations to market it in Britain, Canada and Italy. It is not needed in the United States, because American men already now urinate with German precision thanks to the talents of our specific American penises. Also, is it not true that "Alex Benkhardt" was one of the Ghostbusters? Perhaps that explains why his plastic invention is in the form of a whimsical ghost! Why is it that I am talking as if I have been translated from the German? Apparently I now have an accent formed entirely through syntactical expression! It could be possible that someday one could lose one's eccentric speech accent through the use of a clever plastic ghost that clamps onto the lower lip of the person and shocks him with electricity whenever an accent is used! This item will sell forty and five millions of units in Germany but merely none in the United States. Now I am sad. BUT NOW THE SADNESS ENDS BECAUSE NOW IS THE TIME ON A.R.K WHEN WE DANCE!!! -- K. So what _is_ the German word for "German ghost toilet dominatrix", and where can I get one without the ghost or the toilet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing: The German Toilet Ghost Dominatrix! Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 01:44:07 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > > > As I understand it, they have a single word for the rule that states you > > must pee sitting down. "Sitzpinkel", I think it is. > > OK, I didn't know until after I got married that guys actually COULD pee > sitting down. Now, mainly this is because I never really thought about > it, because, you know, pee. But still. If men couldn't pee while sitting in bed, hospitals would have fewer ducks and more catheters. And then all hospital meals would have to come with cranberry juice, the official beverage of people with things up their pee-holes. That's just one of the many reasons to hate cranberry juice. It tastes so awful that the fact that your local supermarket carries ten brands of it means that a _lot_ of your neighbors are secretly playing weird catheter games. Oh, and Wheat Nuts? You don't even want to know why they still sell those. > Since all of you are interwebnet pervs, you probably already know that > women can pee standing up though. I'm just sayin'. Big deal. Men can pee in _any_ position as long as they're in a swimming pool. -- K. Or in John Glenn's spacesuit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Ass Fedex Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 02:12:30 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > You'd after FOUR TRIES at delivering a package they would just leave a > "you have a package to be picked up" notice at the delivery address and > not just keep loading it onto the truck for delivery each day. Hey everybody! Remember when I asked for ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD to be mailed to James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 ? Well, today, a mysterious box arrived from Australia. Given that it was from Tim Chmielewski, and it's the only one I've received, I conclude that not only do I now have ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD, but until recently Tim C had ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD. But now I have ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD, and I'm going to enjoy eating ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD. The box was covered with graffiti -- angry graffiti -- apparently the result of a running battle between FedEx and people who were trying to explain to them that when Suite 215 is locked they should go down the hall to leave packages with the other functionaries in Suite 230 (our company is so massive it fills at least two rooms on opposite sides of the people with the hideous fluorescent green psychiatrist's office.) I've never seen such a detailed (yet heated) conversation written on a package before. It's a palimpsest of bitching. I took some photos to preserve the evidence for the next few thousand years until society has evolved enough to invent archaeological techniques that can understand what a bunch of bozos FedEx were back during the couple of weeks they tried to deliver an express package to me. And, Tim, thanks for ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD. -- K. Apparently ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD is made in Australia. Who knew? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new orleans Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 02:25:39 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > If you want to find a great restaurant in New Orleans, simply purchase a > dead cat from one of the vending machines or street vendors, and swing > it around by the tail until it hits a restaurant. Peek your head in > and see if it looks like it's been around for more than a week. If it's > stayed open that long, it's probably better than anything you could get > at the cheapo strip-mall taco shops in Phoenix. But what if we'd still rather eat at a strip-mall taco shop because we _like_ the bad food? Some of us get cravings for food-court-style tacos and egg rolls and chicken strips, you know. Also, can you get a refund from the vending machine if it gives you a live cat by mistake? And in the Japanese quarter of New Orleans, do they have the cats in the same vending machines that sell the used panties? If so, does a Panty Cat cost more or less than buying the cat and the panties for his head from separate machines? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Because I sure do. And I've never even been to New Orleans, Japan, or Phoenix! I win! -- K. I'm currently so addicted to red pepper that I can only eat at Spice 'N' Hot in Malden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new orleans Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 14:09:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > We have a restaurant in downtown Tempe that sells Kobe burgers, but > I think they're just burgers made from cattle raised in the Kobe > tradition of massages and happy endings, and not actually imported > from Japan. Kind of Texmati rice, but with cows. Hmm, now you've given me the idea to write to Uncle Ben and suggest boil-in-bag steaks that can be cooked in thirty seconds. You are a bad person and also I'm about to get a big check for giving Uncle Ben such a profitable idea. It would be like something halfway between beef jerky and Styrofoam. Like those little cubes of beef-like soy-based Beefy Vegetable Dots (abbreviated "TVPs") they put in Cup O' Noodles. I'd probably even just skip the boiling the strips of mummified beef and eat it dry. I mean, that works for ramen, so it should work for everything else too. They should sell those dried scrabled eggs that come in ramen in big bags like potato chips. -- K. I'm just full of ideas for great new gourmet food! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new orleans Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:32:54 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They should sell those dried scrabled eggs > ^^^^^^^^ > Man, I *so* want to play Scrabble with you. IN YOUR DREAMS! ... AND MINE! By the way, speaking of bad food we all love, today I ate at Taco Bell, and I'm going to stop. Used to be when you asked for tacos "without cheese", you got tacos without cheese. Now, they have this new policy that you can ask for your tacos "fresco", which means that instead of cheese they put on dairy-flavored Elmer's glue and pink tomato cubes. So if you ask for "without cheese", they assume you mean "fresco" and put extra gunk on just because you asked for fewer toppings. Also, I think there might a layer of "fresco" at the bottom of the Obvious Bag where it is indistinguishable from wet plaster mixed with finger paint. Also while I was at the mall I bought two pairs of sunglasses. My first sunglasses! Now, instead of just looking cool, I look WAY TOO COOL! I'm expecting the President to personally pass a Constitutional amendment to make it illegal to be this cool because I look too cool for anyone to have to look at. -- K. And just to make the Scrabble game closer to fair, I'll wear my sunglasses while I play. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's bozotic supermarket checkout line story. Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 02:58:56 -0400 So I'm hurrying home from work at 11pm, and I stop at a local supermarket (the swamp Star) along the route because I need to get something I can warm up quickly because I have to take a phone call at midnight. Because it's late at night, the Star meat manager has put discount coupons on many of the meat products that are scheduled to turn into pumpkins at midnight. I selected some items, including a seasoned pork tenderloin (to be saved for a rainy day) with a "$3.00 OFF -- NOT VALID UNLESS DETACHED BY CASHIER" sticker/coupon on it. Now, the cashiers usually don't bother noticing the discount coupons that are required to be peeled off only by the cashier. And, being highly important people, sometimes they throw little snits if you break the rules and peel off the coupon yourself, so what I like to do is peel the thing halfway off so it sticks up in an obvious manner to ensure they notice it and finish the job. I plunk my groceries down on the belt and half-peel the $3.00 coupon so it's sticking up like the flag of the nation of Viagra. The clerk sees it sticking up and instinctively, stupidly presses it back down into place, rubbing it thoroughly. She rings up my handful of groceries and then tries to peel the sticker off, but she's smoothed it into place completely and has a heck of a time getting it off. She removes it and then says to me in a surly voice, "Good thing you didn't peel it off," you know, in that cashier-who-wants-to-yell-at-you-for-breaking-some-pointless-rule- but-you-didn't-break-any-rules-and-even-tried-to-make-things-easier- for-the-cashier-who-screwed-up-so-now-she's-mad-at-you-for-seeing- her-being-stupid voice. She scans the coupon. The register says the running total is "$19.36" and, in red letters, "ASK FOR DISCOUNT CARD" because the register knows that some of the items I've bought have special pricing with my ugly orange Star/Shaw's discount card. Not being in a mood to give me the discount I deserve, she bangs the "TOTAL" key to make "ASK FOR DISCOUNT CARD" disappear and she tells me I owe $19.36. I hold out my discount card. She rolls her eyes and takes the card from my hand. But, I have punched a hole in it and attached it to a heavy keychain (a patch of bronze kingmail) which is dangling from it, so when I release the card, gravity and the keychain collaborate to yank the thing out of her hand and she then has to pick it up. I smile. Flawless victory. Needless to say, the card scored me $2.78 in savings in addition to the other $3.00 discount she also didn't want to have to give me. I did not try to punish her further for her arrogance. After all, she was only trying to do her job badly. -- K. But I was about fifteen seconds from going into full Invader Zim mode and snarling, "YOU WILL CEASE YOUR FRUITLESS DISPLAYS OF SURLINESS AND GIVE ME A TYPICAL EARTH DISCOUNT! I MUST HAVE MY TENDERLOIN BEFORE IT EXPIRES IN A GREAT BLAST OF RANCID GERRRMS! NOW PROCEED, CHECKOUT SLAVE!" Of course, she probably doesn't watch that cartoon, and would just think I was some sort of psycho. I'm the sort that likes discounted pork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's bozotic supermarket checkout line story. Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 22:43:41 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I swear, the next time that I get bad service at a fast food place. I am > going to order a carton of orange juice. Then, after I put my straw in it, > I am going to complain to the manager that the little foil seal is broken > and demand a replacement. I will tell it that I didn't notice that the seal > was broken until I already had pierced the seal. Then I am going to do the > same thing with my new carton of juice. I figure by this time, he will have > figured it out. (that is why I am going to complain to the manager because > they have to be smarter than the regular workers). He will probably tell me > to leave. I will leave quietly but first I will ask for an application. If the manager says "But you broke the seal!" you should say in a flat, level, dead voice, "The speed with which you get my a replacement carton of orange juice shall determine whether or not I demonstrate that I can cram an entire carton down your throat without breaking the seal!" Don't just be passive-aggressive. Be someone who scares the hell out of Hardee's managers. Even when you're not in a Hardee's. And don't deliberately spill your orange juice all over the counter the way Mike O. would do. That's just childish. Instead, wait for them to open the cash register drawer and pour it in. Also it works better if it's melted Limburger cheese instead of just orange juice. And if you get away by flooring an accelerator while wearing burning penny loafers and yelling, "CECI N'EST-PAS UNE PIPE!" while pointing at your pipe. Also Daniel Pinkwater should be in the back seat of your Corvette along with Rudy Rucker, Wil Wheaton, and twelve Fonzies just to make you cool. Forget leaving quietly. Go out in a blaze of glory, dominance, and reckless vandalism so extreme it may endanger our nation's gross national product. I'm getting one Fonzie on the phone right now to ask him to assist you. You'll have to track down the other eleven wild Fonzies yourself. -- K. But don't try to mate them to your captive Rolf Harris. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Felix spears a hot dog Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 13:32:56 -0400 Areff (me@privacy.net) wrote: > > Speaking of the late Tony Randall, remember the end of the opening (or was > it the closing?) of TV's _The Odd Couple_ where Oscar sloppily throws a > cigar onto the street and Felix pierces it with his umbrella? Well, for > years I thought that was a hot dog and not a cigar. I thought I might > have been the only one, but a Google search informs me that at least two > other people out there thought that this was a hot dog and only later > realized that it was a cigar. > > Or are we wrong in assuming that the object was a cigar? Was it, in > actuality, a hot dog? Dear Sigmund Freud, Your fantasies about having your "hot dog" penetrated by the sharp tip of an effeminate straight man's umbrella clearly indicate that something something something something and I love my cigar too but I take it out once in a while. Sincerely, Alan Alda as Groucho Marx > Oscar liked to smoke cigars, we know, but I'm sure he also ate hot dogs And whenever Felix ate a "hot dog", its first name was O-S-C-A-R... > and might have even tossed a frankfurter onto the sidewalk or pavement > on occasion. > > Can a cigar even really be pierced by your typical pointy end of an > umbrella? A hot dog I can see. A hot dog would seem to be more > penetrable. I ain't touching that one with a ten-foot umbrella. -- K. Also, those hot dogs with the little prefab tunnel of chili through them? Those are the easiest to get a catheter into. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hidden daggers. Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 02:14:18 -0400 Today I bought something, and it turned out to have two throwing knives (daggers about the size of steak knives) hidden inside it. And it was unbelievably f'ing stupid for the manufacturer to hide daggers inside this particular item. I shouldn't tell you what it was, but I can say that putting knife blades inside this thing was one of the worst ideas in human history, potentially leading to all sorts of unintentional injuries that would spoil the fun. So I put it to you: What would be the worst possible consumer product to come with unadvertised daggers hidden inside? -- K. Rectal exam glove? Tickle Me Elmo? Q-Tip? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important Message From The LMB Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 16:05:32 -0400 Plorkwort (asweinbe@uchicago.edu) wrote: > > [...] here's a surprisingly HATE-free double dactyl: > > higgledy piggledy > old Hari Seldon > emerged holographicly > out of the floor > > he worked the future out > psychohistoricly > recorded messages > knowing the score. Fine, I'll just have to bring this discussion down to my level with a few ancient Roman backgammon boards. ASIMOV NOVELS WITHNO FONZIE ARENOT SOCOOL AROBOT POTSIE SHOULD SHOWUP TOKILL HUMANS ANDALL CANSEE JOANIE UNLOVE ROBOID CHACHI Whoops, the last one accidentally rhymed. Sorry about that. Now order a roast peacock or I'll sword you. -- K. The name of this game is usually considered "Felix Sex", even though Tony Randall's dead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Can someone please mock this for me? Date: Sat, 22 May 2004 15:40:01 -0400 I saw this news item and wanted to ridicule it, but I ran out of energy before the end, because I'm too sleepy and it's too stupid. Who wants to finish it? [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> $132K of Grant to Combat Goth Returned -> -> Fri May 21, 6:57 PM ET -> -> BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. -- Almost half of a $273,000 grant awarded in 2002 -> to fight the Goth culture in Blue Springs has been returned because -> of a lack of interest -- and the absence of a real problem. -> -> Blue Springs received the grant two years ago from the Youth -> Outreach Unit, money the city and U.S. Rep. Sam Graves trumpeted -> proudly as a way to fight a perceived Goth problem. But what about the idiot problem? I hear that even the House of Representatives has an idiot in it! -> But $132,000 of the grant was returned because officials never -> found much of a problem with the Goth culture, which some students -> called a fad that most people eventually outgrow. -> -> Slightly more than $118,000 of the money was earmarked for therapy, -> assessment and case management, and the plans also included a -> series of town meetings to discuss the issue. I would love to know what the "therapy" to eliminate unwanted Goths would be. Painful injections that make their skin exude an acid which eats away makeup? -> "It never happened because referring someone for looking, acting -> Goth is not a concept that ever got imbedded in people's heads," -> project manager Allyce Ford said of the therapy proposal. I'm adding the "detain Goths for their own good" concept to the list of things I don't want imbedded in my head, right below "fishing hooks" and above "Phineas Gage's pipe". ("Ceci n'est-pas une... OWWWWWWWWWW! MY BRAIN!!!!!!") -> The town hall meetings didn't happen, either, she said, because -> there wasn't enough interest in the community to conduct them. -> -> About halfway through the project, the focus shifted from Goths to -> counter cultures and negative influences facing children, Ford said. -> -> "You have to admit if you saw one, two, three, four or more people -> dressed in traditional Goth, it would be discerning," she said. It's almost as horrifying as encountering someone who thinks the words "disconcerting" and "discerning" are the same word because they've devoted so much of their brain to being afraid of teenagers in black lipstick that they no longer have room for any circuitry that can tell three-syllable words from four-syllable words. -> "Those kids have every right to be there. I hope the lessons you're -> teaching are tolerance and understanding." The most valuable lesson for the kids to learn: Your government contains twits. -> Assistant City Administrator Eric Johnson said despite the change -> in focus, the project helped dispel myths and stereotypes -> associated with the Goth culture. [your comments here, because this is stupid] -> "That was part of the goal," Johnson said. "If we were able to -> accomplish that, we are able to accomplish something effective." [your comments here, because this is stupid] -- K. I never thought an article about how some jerk is scared of Goths would be the one to break me, but there you go. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can someone please mock this for me? Date: Sat, 22 May 2004 21:12:20 -0400 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The most valuable lesson for the kids to learn: Your government > > contains twits. > > Twits who can weasle half a million for their twittiness. Also, many high > schools now have "military liasons" in them. I did not make that up but > found it in the other unmockably dumbth story from last week. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Steve Allen reference Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! On my TV right at this moment, Meredith Viera is explaining that Mr. Peanut wears "weird tights". I ignored her and went to look up "military liasons" in Google News, and it told me that you're supposed to spell it "military liaisons", but only turned up some articles about us preparing to Kirk the nation of Venezuela, so I will assume you have confused "military liaisons" with "condom vending machines" or something. Speaking of condom vending machines, a local bowling alley has these five items in the restroom vending machine: 1.) Breath mints. 2.) Liquid sour candy drops. 3.) LifeStyles(R) brand condoms. 4.) Advil. 5.) Miniature glow sticks. I figure there's a hidden camera pointed at the thing so that they can use it as a secret personality test, which, when combined with your bowling score, will give the bowling alley's military liaisons a complete profile of you. So which of the five items from the vending machine do you truly want? Pick the answer from the list above, and now look below to find out who you really are: 1.) Low self-esteem. 2.) Mind of a six-year-old. 3.) Gay, gay, gay. 4.) Parent of a a six-year-old. 5.) Drugged-out raver dude who just discovered that even Ecstasy doesn't make "Atomic Bowling" more fun than an atomic wedgie. This scientific personality test, in conjunction with whether or not you can bowl 300, is used to register you for the draft and/or Scientology and/or Gay Scientology. -- K. Incidentally, did some pervert actually ask Trustex to manufacture their cola-flavored condoms? They even sell them in boxes of 10 if you want to chew enough of them to get a caffeine buzz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can someone please mock this for me? Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 13:58:33 -0400 Vince Barmann (vbarMyFingermann@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Speaking of condom vending machines, a local bowling alley has these > > > five items in the restroom vending machine: > > > > > > 1.) Breath mints. > > > 2.) Liquid sour candy drops. > > > 3.) LifeStyles(R) brand condoms. > > > 4.) Advil. > > > 5.) Miniature glow sticks. > > First read "Advil" as "Anvil". I miss my anvil. I hate to think what's in the men's room at The Anvil. > > Usually, the men's room vending machine contains only a condom > > machine. When I come out of such men's rooms, I loudly declare that > > the after-dinner mints are chewy. > > Idjit. Them is PARTY BALLOONS! It's not much of a party if the vending machine only gives you one or two. They should be more like those Chiclets machines that give you a whole handful (and throw a quarter of it on the floor just to force you to make some hard decisions about how much you want the Chiclets) because even someone with the incredible Tantric powers Sting wishes he had would still need 3 every 24 hours. Also, it's important to have a whole assortment of flavors so that you can punish or reward people. I keep wishing Thai restaurant restrooms would sell durian-flavored condoms for use when someone has been having too much fun. (That's the Golden Rule: People can't have too much fun, because I said so.) > Vince "Why glow sticks?" B. Dear Vince "Why glow sticks?" Batman, Because they glow and then when they're glowing you can look at them. Also, in Abu Ghraib, our Army came up with two new uses for the full-size ones. I guess Iraq doesn't have any K-Marts where the soldiers could buy broom handles or car batteries. -- K. They make glow-in-the-dark condoms, too, but I don't think you can read by them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can someone please mock this for me? Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 22:22:49 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They make glow-in-the-dark > > condoms, too, but I don't > > think you can read by them. > > Because inside a . . . . wait a minute. That's the Obvious Bag under > the desk there, isn't it? Yes, indeed, that's what this soundproof glow-in-the-dark rubber sack is, and I think you'll find it's mighty cramped what with Betty White already having been sewn up in there. (Sitcom reference degree of difficulty: 9.7!) -- K. Wait, I have a desk? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can someone please mock this for me? Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 01:32:08 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Speaking of condom vending machines, a local bowling alley has these > > five items in the restroom vending machine: > > > > 1.) Breath mints. > > 2.) Liquid sour candy drops. > > 3.) LifeStyles(R) brand condoms. > > 4.) Advil. > > 5.) Miniature glow sticks. > > Usually, the men's room vending machine contains only a condom > machine. I haven't yet found a men's room that has a vending machine that sells other machines, but it would be nice to find one that could sell me a Condom Twonky. Or a Condom Interociter, coupled with the sound of a Condom Theremin, unless it's a wacky parody of a sci-fi movie, in which case a Condom Dingfutzer. > When I come out of such men's rooms, I loudly declare that > the after-dinner mints are chewy. Oh, go back to your "Family Circus" panel, Little Billy. It's only Trustex condoms that are available in mint flavor (and cola and several other wretched ones.) LifeStyles are only made in vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. I want to know why nobody makes one with extra artificial latex flavor added for the people who just like condom-flavored condoms. Or a Moxie one for times when someone's been naughty. Also, why is it usually LifeStyles in men's rooms? They're no different from any other condoms, but the name "LifeStyles" should be a hint that their brand positioning aims mainly at women and gay men. You'd think condoms for heteros should be represented in more men's rooms, unless it's true what I've heard about straights being able to wait until after they leave the bowling alley to have sex. -- K. And how come there are no condoms designed specifically for tantric sex? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dream with Kibo & Lots42 Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 13:39:38 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > It's a bit fuzzy, but I remember last night having a dream where I > delibrately annoyed Kibo by pretending we were going to McDonald's for > dinner -- not that I'd ever do that -- "Hey Claudine! Let's go to > Starbucks for coffee!" Actually, going to McDonald's wouldn't annoy me. I don't particularly like their food, but the thing is, I can eat it, and I'm not that fussy. A lot of people have the mistaken idea that I'm a fussy eater because we have conversations like this: Some Bozo: "Hey Kibo! Let's go to the Cheesy House Of Pizza!" Kibo: "No, I can't eat there, because everything on the menu has cheese." Some Bozo: "Italian Pile Of Cheese 2000?" Kibo: "No, they have cheese." Some Bozo: "Okay, how about L'Fromage Italiano au Limburger avec Cheese?" Kibo: "No. Cheese." Some Bozo: "You just won't eat ANYWHERE! Fine, you suggest a place." Kibo: "Nuclear Curry By The Bucket Inc." Some Bozo: "No, they have spicy food, and I'M A BIG BABY!" Often the easiest solution is for me to go someplace like Burger King with friends, because then they can get cheeseburgers and I can get two hamburgers and we're all eating bland, non-threatening food. If I am asked what I want, I am always going to want to go Indian or Szechwan or Thai or something else where all the food has hot peppers sticking out of it. And unfortunately, 99.999% of Americans assume that everyone else loves cheese pizza as much as they do. No matter how many times I tell people I can't have cheese, they still keep trying to feed me pizza. I am happy to eat at Burger King, Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken (and/or Poulet Frite Kentucky in Quebec), Chik-Fil-A, and most any other fast food place that isn't all pizza and spaghetti and other food with non-optional cheese. If there aren't other options, I will eat the greasiest, most divey Chinese food from mall food courts, or McDonalds food, or practically anything other than Arby's (they have certain problems involving knowing the difference between people beef and dog beef.) So I am not fussy at all, though my preferences are completely different from everyone else's preferences. And, being poor, often I'd rather eat at the mall food court than at a good restaurant. > At one point we had to cross a major intersection and I saved Lots42 from > being run over by a 50's car with big fins by grabbing the back of his > colar just in time and yanking him back. I was going to say something about the sidearms they carried on "Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation", but I think "Futurama" already did that joke. Also, for Lots42's own safety, maybe from now on you should keep him on a leash so that you can yank on his collar from a safer distance from the Delta House Deathmobile. > After this there was a giant robot involved somehow, but my memory is > hazy at this point. We did run away from it though. Was it a Kaiju Big Battel giant robot, or just a fake one? -- K. And why did you make it angry? That wasn't very smart of you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dream with Kibo & Lots42 Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 13:41:14 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > At one point we had to cross a major intersection and I saved Lots42 from > > being run over by a 50's car with big fins by grabbing the back of his > > colar just in time and yanking him back. > > Thank you. > > Being run over by a big, ugly car is just the kind of dream I would have. Really? Running people over with a big, beautiful finny classic car is just the sort of dream I _always_ have. Now lie down in the road for a minute so I can rev up good. -- K. (VROOM VROOM HURT HURT!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: christian pr0n Date: Sun, 23 May 2004 22:39:57 -0400 "talysman the ur-beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > -> "Rick," a 20-year-old Krispy Kreme employee from Washington, > -> says he has a serious problem: He masturbates. > > that's how a Wired article about the XXXchurch begins. no, "Rick" > doesn't provide the cream filling... he's just a very concerned > christian who can't refrain from "tempting Jesus in the desert", Someone just told me about a T-shirt that said "I don't want Jesus to come into my life. I want him to come into my mouth," and it was the best laugh I've ever had about religious oral sex, although I'd prefer my Jesus to be on the other side of my blowjob. Also, that would solve an age-old theological dilemma because from the quality of his blowjob technique I'd be able to tell whether or not Jesus is gay. > here's some of the XXXchurch's advice to those "struggling with their > personal demons": > > -> "Remain calm and tell yourself, 'You don't own me, > -> masturbation! I'm taking my life back!' (or something > -> of that nature). If that doesn't work, you can pursue > -> alternatives like chewing gum, blasting John Lennon's > -> song 'Cold Turkey,' eating chocolate or whatever helps > -> you best (not masturbation)." > > I like how they are careful to point out that you should use > masturbation itself as a means to prevent masturbation. however, they > do not specify whether you are supposed to shout "YOU DON'T OWN ME, > MASTURBATION!" in public, or just whisper it to yourself. this could be > a very important detail. I did at least figure out why the Condom World store in Boston closes around dinner time. It's because people only have sex at the office. After dinner, they just masturbate, and I heard that a major scientific study says you can do that without a condom now. > now, if you excuse me, I have "test my faith". I just read the "Cinefex" issue that talked about how they did the special effects for "The Passion Of The Christ". It turns out Jesus was computer-generated! But I still say "Tron" was a more moving religious movie. -- K. Remember, every sperm has a flagellum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Answer to yesterday's puzzle. Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:27:30 -0400 The answer to yesterday's puzzle is: The Hamburger Helper is the most rancid. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:01:53 -0400 [from The Boston Globe, via www.boston.com] -> -> MBTA set to begin passenger ID stops -> Effort part of national rail security program -> By Mac Daniel, Globe Staff | May 22, 2004 Incidentally, in Boston, newspapers always call the subway system "the MBTA", while everyone else calls it "the (T)", because all the signs say "(T)". I think they added the "M", the "B", and the "A" because they forgot to call dibs on "www.t.com". -> MBTA transit police confirmed yesterday they will begin stopping -> passengers for identification checks at various T locations, -> apparently as part of new national rail security measures following -> the deadly terrorist train bombings in Spain. Okay, I'm all in favor of cracking down on those evil terrorists. -> Although officials would release few details about the initiative, -> the identity checks will mark the first time local rail and subway -> passengers will be asked to produce identification and be -> questioned about their activities. Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. -> Officers have been training for the security checks since May 11, -> transit officials said. MBTA Police Deputy Chief John Martino -> confirmed via e-mail yesterday that officers have been training -> with State Police at South Station this week. Mental note: Avoid South Station until I stop looking, acting, and dressing like a perfectly innocent suspicious character. By the way, at the moment, I have bleach-blond hair, and an orange beard that matches my new orange-coated mirrorshades. I'm currently trying to decide whether I should dye my hair black and shave the beard back to a goatee (for a traditional leatherman look) or do the bright-orange thing again. The orange mirrorshades would work nice and evil with either color hair. -> T spokesman Joe Pesaturo said the State Police involved in the -> training were from Troop F at Logan International Airport, where -> such identification checks have been taking place since about a -> year after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Short shameful confession: I have never seen an episode of "F Troop", though when I was a kid for some reason I owned a "Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids" comic book where the cover illustration was them camping out on a tenement rooftop in a tent that had "F Troop" written on it. I didn't find it funny then and I don't find it funny now and I suspect that if I were to try to watch "F Troop" it would somehow manage to make the comic book even less funny. (I remember nothing about the contents of the comic book, just the insipid cover referencing an old TV show about camping.) -> Pesaturo wouldn't say where or when the identification stops would -> take place, or how long they would last. Well, guys, if I suddenly disappear for six to ten years, now we'll know how long they're sending suspicious cool dudes to (T) jail. -> "The training is part of the MBTA's overall plan for enhancing -> safety and security for the hundreds of thousands of people who use -> our system every day," Pesaturo wrote in the e-mail. "Law -> enforcement personnel are being trained to detect whether a -> person's or persons' actions are an indication of any level of risk -> or threat to the transit system . . . and to then take appropriate -> steps based on the observed behavior. Uh oh. If they ever catch me photographing another interestingly-mangled orange cone, I'm going to get beaten to death with my own camera in order to preserve the integrity of the transit system and its carefully-arranged battered orange cones lurking in the shadows of the subway system. -> "If the MBTA did not do everything it can to protect transit users, -> it would be a dereliction of our duties and responsibilities as -> public servants," he added. How about detaining _all_ the people who attempt to ride the (T) and then deporting them so that nobody can ride the (T) and therefore nobody will ever get hurt on the (T)? -> Ann Davis, Northeast regional spokeswoman for the federal -> Transportation Security Administration, refused to confirm that -> T's ID checks are part of a new national rail security program -> announced Thursday by federal officials. Those new security -> initiatives are scheduled to start tomorrow, in response to -> terrorist train bombings in Madrid that killed 191 and injured -> 2,000. And I bet they're scheduled to end about ten minutes after the Democratic party's convention here does. -> "We don't want to map out for potential terrorists how we intend to -> protect the rails," she said. "Therefore, we're intentionally obfuscating the (T) map. The subway system has been changed from a big 'X' to a schwa interlocked with a Lissajous figure in the most confusingly erotic manner possible." -> Concerns about threats to the nation's rail system have risen since -> ABC News reported a pattern of suspicious activities along the rail -> corridor between Washington, D.C., and New York. The report said -> New Jersey's attorney general is investigating at least seven -> instances in the last week of suspected surveillance along the New -> Jersey Transit commuter lines leading into Philadelphia, Trenton, -> and New York. -> -> FBI agents in Philadelphia are also investigating the discovery of -> an infrared sensor concealed along the track bed of a Southeast -> Pennsylvania Transportation Authority rail line. -> -> The State Police officers based at Logan who are instructing T -> police have been trained in "behavior pattern recognition" in order -> to identify potential terrorists. This would presumably be the same officers at Logan airport who asked me what I was doing because the sign gave the patent registration number for the "Musical Floor Reminder System" and I was writing it down to tell you people, except that if I did it now I'd probably get the electric chair... the electric chair that plays two bars of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over. -> According to past interviews with Logan's primary security -> consultant, Rafi Ron, former head of security at Ben-Gurion Airport -> in Israel, such a program helps avoid accusations of racial -> profiling and is based on the behavior of those stopped. -> Logan was the first American airport at which the method was used. I see, so people aren't getting stopped because of their skin color or their ethnic background but only because they're _acting_ foreign. I CURSE MY EXOTIC WELSH PATRILINEAGE!!! -> Martino said "we do not racially profile and do not consider that -> someone is suspicious because they appear to be Middle Eastern or -> that they are not suspicious if they don't appear to be." Bring on The Dancing Bears Of... Oh, I just don't care any more. Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps on the steps of the State House I would have run up to him and given him a big hug just to make him cry, but this week I can barely muster the energy to either find out what happens if I ride the subway without a passport or bring out The Dancing Bears Of Whatever. -> The expansion of identity checks to rail and subway passengers has -> raised concerns among civil rights advocates about what is gained -> through such stops and whether they are truly random. "This is a truly random stop! We're going to cover you with squid guts and nail you to a zeppelinm underwater! And if that's not random enough, we're going to make you eat a Bart Simpson doll except for his shorts!" -> Last October, State Police at Logan stopped Lylburn King Downing, -> the national coordinator of the American Civil Liberties Union's -> Campaign Against Racial Profiling -- and an African-American -- -> who was ordered out of the airport after he refused to answer an -> officer's questions during an identification check. The trouble I always have with the haphazard security assholes at places like airports, border crossings, (and soon subways) is that I answer truthfully and then they tell me that wasn't good enough and I must be lying, so I answer truthfully and they yell at me that I'm lying, and we go around like this for several minutes until they decide to check my laptop computer for any evidence that Etienne Rouette is my girlfriend. -> The American Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts has since -> sought more information about the policies of Massachusetts Port -> Authority and State Police governing such searches, but ACLU -> officials say they have had little cooperation from either agency. Let's see if I can make the ACLU interact with the MBTA one letter at a time: ACLU ACLUE A_CLUE CLUE GLUE MDMA MBTA Nope, didn't work, I couldn't figure out a way to get from MDMA to MBTA without cheating. I wish this were easier, like changing MBTA to BATMAN. I should do that because the MBTA would be less ridiculous if they were BATMAN. -> "About a year ago they admitted they were using training based on -> an Israeli security model of behavioral profiling or selection -> which they declined to either explain or to otherwise amplify what -> it means," said John Reinstein, legal director for the ACLU of -> Massachusetts. "We asked for the records and they said that's no -> longer a public record because anything that has to do with -> security is no longer a public record." Linus's blue blankie shall hereby be erased from all "Peanuts" strips. -> (c) Copyright 2004 Globe Newspaper Company. And it still is, even though I just plagiarized it. So we're both happy. -- K. When they do random suspicious-person-interrogations on the subway, are they going to search my briefcase for illegal sex toys and/or half- finished alt.religion.kibology where I deny owning any 18" illegal sex toys? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 01:29:07 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to > > satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially > > the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. > > Tell them the truth. Name names, and make sure the names are > politically affiliated. Will you still love me if I have Etienne Rouette arrested by whatever the Quebecois equivalent of police is? > > Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into > > The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps > > Gah. Will someone please tell him to stop existing already? I was hoping that might spontaneously happen if I wrapped my arms around him and whispered something like "Mmm, you hug even better than my boyfriends." (Okay, so there would have been a few little white lies in that sentence. But it would be worth it just to hear the "GAAAAAAAACK" noise that would come out of him.) -- K. Hugs bugs dead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:54:23 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Why is it all the crazy seems to start in Boston? To make up for the fact that all the _good_ stuff has started in this area too, ranging from democracy and the American Revolution all the way up to full legal equality for your gay and lesbian friends. Everything good about the American way of life was invented either in Boston or Philadelphia. (And Philadelphia smells funny so on the whole, I'd rather be in Boston.) This city (and state) is absolutely insane, but sometimes that's good. There's a reason I live here and not in, say, Los Angeles or Las Vegas. Those are cities which are crazy in a way which would drive me crazy. A lot of Boston's crazy comes from a bloated sense of self-importance (it's really not that big a city -- it's a city of great historical significance because of stuff that happened here over 200 years ago, but it hasn't realized that it's no longer such hot stuff) and from the way the real wackos here somehow manage to get elected to high offices (we currently have a Republican Mormon governor! How the hell did that happen in Massachusetts?) I do keep fantasizing about living in Ottawa or Edmonton or one of those other Canadian cities where the prevailing attitude of the other people is "We don't care what the hell you do, we're going to keep being nice to you because we like interesting people, now have some cheap pork products, and don't bother learning French." I find that friendly, relaxed, accepting attitude of most of Canada (outside Toronto, which is more like an American city) quite pleasant, and the prices are cheap, and the crime's low, and hockey is plentiful, but I don't have any real reason to want to leave the United States. Because of that screwy new policy of the police randomly doing identity checks on the subway, last night I had to make the decision "Do I knuckle under and start carrying an ID card all the time, or do I make more trouble for myself just for the privilege of saying 'I don't carry an ID, I don't own an ID, I don't need an ID, I don't want an ID, so fuck you!'?" Seriously, if I get stopped and asked for an ID, I will say something like that, and they will try hard to make me squirm, maybe make me sit in front of a guy who interrogates me across a desk for an hour, and I won't give in, because I know that absolutely nothing will come of it. If they're going to try to play power games with people over something as inconsequential as a laminated plastic card, they're going to find out that no matter how trivial the MacGuffin in question is, some of us won't bow to uniformed bullies. (I'm sure they expect some troublemakers and protesters and habitual contrarians like me, but I also figure the police expect to get their way by yelling at people and threatening them, but I know they can't make me change my pattern of behavior by just yelling at me. Worst they can do is boot me off the train and then I'll have to ride the next one seven minutes later.) And eventually, it'll all boil down to nothing happening to me, the policy will be dropped at election time, and everyone will forget any of this craziness ever happened. I'm going to ride this out and wait for them to shift to a different type of crazy. -- K. The big question is, should I demand a refund of my $1.25 token if I get kicked off the subway for not having a driver's license? And should I point out to them that there are an awful lot of people driving around without driver's licenses and maybe they should work on that before they require a driver's license to ride the subway? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie for Kibo Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:06:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Old Boy, dir. Chan Wook Park, South Korea, 2003 > > A man is locked in a room with only a television for 15 years. Once he is > released his goal in life is to find the person who put him in that > position and kill him in the slowest and most painful way possible. a) Why would he be mad about that? b) No toilet? c) Why did they lock him in? d) Why did they let him out? e) Was he allowed to change the channel? f) Did he have a remote so he could do it from across the room? g) Couldn't he unplug the TV? h) Why is it that every time I pop a zit I suddenly feel thirsty? Okay, the last one's really more of an acupressure question, but I figure there must be somebody here who knows a lot about acupressure even if they haven't seen the movie about Peter Sellers being locked in a room with a TV. -- K. And it showed nothing but Ben Stiller on trial for killing his twin brother. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:24:46 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > How many times have you heard about an authority figure, such as > a school principal, doing something terribly illegal/immoral or so on? > You get pissed off at the guy and hope he gets punished...but you never > quite hear that he does. Okay, I volunteer to fix this. I'll pack some paddles and clamps. > Maybe if you're lucky, you see a followup blurb buried on page 17 of > D section. > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > find out. Oh. I thought you were talking about something fun, not reading. Curse you for taking all the joy out of the American educational system. -- K. So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that just says "Use Google"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:43 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] if my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, > > search for 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out > > what happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > > plastic toy guns to school. > > Lots, if you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to have the police > show up at your school because of reports from hysterical parents that > they saw a kid with a gun going into the school you wouldn't consider > this one of those idiotic situations you want a follow up on. This is > especially fun when the parent can only describe the kid vaguely, so > you have to shake down at least a quarter of the student body to find > out if there really is a danger of someone getting shot. Yeah. All the guns in school are supposed to be kept locked up in that big weapons cabinet in the Teacher's Lounge, right next to the liquor cabinet and the massage table. > If you want to know what happens when the assistant principal > confiscates those new shock pens that the ice cream men are selling > these days from a student, I can save you a google search. Every > staff member who passes through the AP's office is asked to sign or > take notes on something fishy sounding and then handed a pen from the > AP's desk when caught without one of his or her own. I discovered those at the mall a couple weeks ago. As someone who is quite familiar with what electric shocks of various kinds feel like, my reaction was "This is one of the worst practical joke items ever," partly because the shocks were pretty damn big for something to be sold to children (as in, if held right, the pen was pretty painful to me -- now imagine a little kid reacting to this, probably would wind up crying and traumatized) and in any case so many people are absolutely terrified of the idea of receiving even a "joke" electrical shock that this is one novelty item that's guaranteed to make many of your friends refuse to ever have anything to do with you again. I had safety concerns, too, both of the "What if someone presses this to their chest?" variety as well as the "How will the paramedics get it out of the brat's throat after he tries using it on the wrong person?" variety. Incidentally, the palm of the hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body (but obviously not _the_ most sensitive) to electrical shocks. When testing out a toy like that, try it on your forearm or thigh if you want it to hurt less (or use the sole of your foot if you're expecting a really big shock.) Oh, and for things that make big sparks (not the pen, but things that put out ozone) remember that they actually hurt _less_ on bare skin than through clothes (clothes enforce a spark gap.) And never, ever create a hand-to-hand electrical pathway (or send current through the chest, neck, or head, except under certain very special circumstances) -- I would worry about handing something like that "joke" pen to someone and merely _assuming_ they wouldn't for some reason press the button while holding it with both hands and then dying in an only marginally hilarious way. It's a practical joke that's only as unsafe as an exploding cigar. > Now if you really had an interesting bone in your body, you would be > more likely to be asking about the school administrator who was > personally checking to make sure the "no thong underwear" rule was > being followed by all girls at a certain school. Why would girls be wearing it? You can only buy "no thong" underwear from the International Male catalog. Girls wouldn't be able to keep the front (and only) half in place because there would be nothing to put the rubber band around. -- K. Remember how they used to electrocute the studio audience's asses on "Let's Make A Deal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:23:55 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > > > find out. > > > > So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that > > just says "Use Google"? > > No. I was saying that you -could- waste time using google. But if > my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, search for > 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out what > happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > plastic toy guns to school. And it would be covered with ads for Soylent Green, right? -- K. It would be like that site that has all the photos of the cosmonauts who got mysteriously changed into blurry gaps between other people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:42 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Here's what I got out of it. There's something called a shock pen, > > which, I'm guessing, gives the user a mild shock. The assistant > > principal confiscates them and then tricks staff members into using them. > > I really hope that is not the case. Such things are illegal among adults. You must be a lot of fun at the Museum of Science. "Stop touching that Van de Graaf generator! It's illegal to make hair stand up!" > Plus, it's disturbing that an assistant principal of a high school can > be so depraved Are you saying I can never be an assistant principal? If so, that's discrimination, and I'm going to have the ACLU get medieval on your ass. With a really big shock pen. -- K. I bet you're not even praved, let alone depraved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 01:44:15 -0400 News flash! "Christians" are hoping to set up a gay-free state! Direct from the front page of www.ChristianExodus.com: -> -> ChristianExodus.org has been established to coordinate the move of -> 50,000 or more Christians to a single conservative state in the -> U.S. for the express purpose of reestablishing constitutional -> governance. It is evident that our Constitution has been abandoned -> under our current federal system. The efforts of Christian -> activism have proven futile over the past five decades and, whereas -> desperate times require desperate measures, we are now in the most -> desperate of times. The federal government is considering whether -> marriage, the foundation of civilization since Creation, should be -> reserved solely to a man and a woman. Christians must now draw a -> line in the sand and unite in a sovereign state to dissolve our -> bond with the current union comprised as the United States of America. Maybe you guys should try Hawaii. You could separate it from the rest of the USA by just cutting some undersea phone cables. -> [...] -> -> ChristianExodus.org is orchestrating the move of 50,000 or more -> Christians to one of three States for the express purpose of -> dissolving that State's bond with the union. The three States -> under consideration are Alabama, Mississippi and South Carolina. -> The exact destination will be chosen by vote of our membership. -> Our move will commence when the federal government forces sodomite -> marriages on our local communities or once we reach the -> 50,000-member mark, whichever comes first. Um, geniuses, there are already at least 50,000 Christians in _every_ state. Also, I think there are probably 50,000 gay Christians in every state. -> Stand Up and Be Counted -> -> It is time Christians take effective action. We must fulfill our -> responsibility to stand for God's laws in the face of evil. -> Christians around the globe are persecuted in unimaginable ways for -> their faith; will we not at the least move to a new home where we -> can protect children from homosexual predators and the -> abortionist's knife? And don't forget abortionists' coat hangers. Hey, that would be another good motto for your new state: "NO WIRE HANGERS, EVERRRRRR!" -> Is moving too great a sacrifice for the ministry of God? -> -> If you are tired of government-endorsed sin, then stand up and be -> counted! For more information on this effective strategy or to -> join, click here. Okay, I did... Here's what I was told to think at Commitment Level Two: -> I hereby declare my solemn intent to move to the sovereign State -> chosen by our membership if homosexual marriage is legalized in my -> state.Ê Once there, I will vote in lock step with my Christian -> compatriots to dissolve our StateÕs association with theUnited States -> of America.Ê I will also give my fullest effort to the reestablishment -> of government founded upon Christian principles that protect life, -> liberty and property.Ê -> -> Sign up now! Sure. Clicking... -> Bad Referrer -- Access Denied -> The form attempting to use FormMail resides at -> http://www.christianexodus.com/signup.html, which is not allowed to -> access this cgi script. -> -> If you are attempting to configure FormMail to run with this form, -> you need to add the following to @referers, explained in detail in -> the README file. -> -> Add 'www.christianexodus.com' to your @referers array. Bad webmaster. No straight state for you! You won't get to move to New Straight Mississippi while the gays turn your home state into your homo state. Will you wind up living in Homorabia? Gaylandia? Fagotopia? Greater San Francisco (Formerly Known As California)? Analabama? Carsonkressleylaska? -- K. Pink Dakota? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:46 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:57:29 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently "Department Of The Interior" means they glow sticks up your ass Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 03:30:16 -0400 News of world events, via www.BaltimoreSun.com: -> -> Some U.S. prison contractors may avoid charges -> -> Interior Department hired Abu Ghraib interrogators; Loophole tangles -> prosecution; Army chain of command blurred in civilian abuses -> -> By Scott Shane -> Sun National Staff -> May 24, 2004 -> -> The U.S. civilian interrogators questioning prisoners at Abu Ghraib -> prison in Iraq work not under a military contract but on one from -> the Department of the Interior, a bureaucratic twist that could -> complicate any effort to hold them criminally responsible for abuse -> of detainees or other offenses. -> -> The unexpected role of the Department of the Interior, usually associated -> not with wartime intelligence-gathering but with national parks, Oh no! The brutality! I bet they're torturing Iraqi civilians just like they do American civilians, by closing the restrooms at the highway rest stops nine months a year! -> grew out of a government plan to cut costs. But in practice, it may -> have increased costs and reduced scrutiny, said Peter W. Singer -> of the Brookings Institution. -> -> "You're placing a military interrogation task under Smokey the -> Bear," Singer said. "You can't have good oversight." "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear". Quick, someone revive Tom Of Finland so he can draw that comic book. If that can't be done, just get Gahan Wilson. -> [...] -> -> But in the case of the contract interrogators at Abu Ghraib, the -> chain of command is especially blurry, because it ends with an -> obscure Department of the Interior office 70 miles southeast of -> Tucson, Ariz. I suspect some of those Iraqi prisoners have been beaten with the "chain of command". -> The interrogators work for CACI International, a global government -> contractor based in Arlington, Va., with more than $1 billion a -> year in revenue. "global government contractor"? Uh oh. By tomorrow, there will be no evidence that the Baltimore Sun -- or even Baltimore itself -- ever existed, since the newspaper leaked the existence of The Global Government. Global government only works if it's completely secret! -> And CACI's contract is with the Interior Department's National -> Business Center, which for the past four years has run the -> contracting office at Fort Huachuca in Sierra Vista, Ariz., -> said Interior Department spokesman Frank Quimby. ...while wearing a big sash that says "SPOKESMAN" and talking in a funny Kennedy caricature accent and opening any new supermarket Krusty was too busy to visit. -> Quimby said the arrangement was a result of federal efforts in the -> 1990s to "streamline and reduce duplication," by having agencies -> with particular skill at administrative functions such as payroll -> or contracting handle those jobs for other agencies. Oh, yeah, when you're systematically torturing people and beating them to death, you don't want to have to stop to think about getting your payroll straightened out. And nobody knows more about accounting than the Department Of The Interior! You know, the same way the General Accounting Office is all about telling you which way to the geyser. -> [...] -> -> Most of the services relate to information technology, but at least -> two involve the provision of interrogators, Quimby said -- one for -> $19.9 million covering "interrogation support" and another for -> $21.8 million labeled "human intelligence support." Okay, so the Tom Of Finland titles here so far are "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear", "Chain Of Command", and "Interrogation Supporter" (which would be about a jock strap that wouldn't let you go to sleep until you confess you shoplifted it from that store that sells nothing but cacti, macrame, and jockstraps.) -> [...] -> -> "There is no competition and no oversight," Singer said. "The free -> market can be a wonderful mechanism. But not if you do everything -> possible to ensure that it won't work." I wish there were a free market in Boston. Frozen White Castles cost way too much at Stop & Shop. -> Quimby, the Interior Department spokesman, sounded frustrated that -> his agency has been dragged into the prison scandal. -> -> "The Army set the requirements for the contract," he said. "The -> Army pays for the contract. The Army benefits from the contract. -> -> "But when there's a media inquiry," Quimby said, "it's an Interior -> Department contract." Why not just drop all the bullshit and set up a proper Ministry Of Torture? Of course, then the people being interrogated would have to stop answering "Yes, sir!" and say "Yes, Minister!" and it would quickly turn into a British sitcom that briefly interrupts pledge drives on PBS. -> Copyright (c) 2004, The Baltimore Sun Yeah, but to sue me for reposting this, you'll have to dig up the copyright papers you registered with the Library Of Congress, and they'll all busy torturing people in Venezuela. Whoops! Sorry, I forgot we weren't supposed to know about that yet. -- K. I'm not kidding, there really is a store here that just sells cacti, macrame, and jockstraps. Businesses like that should be required to post a sign in the window explaining "What the hell were they thinking?" before they're allowed to go bankrupt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 22:28:50 -0400 Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: -> -> [...] -> -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries fighting -> forces, just 1,000 of the country's 140,000 police officers are trained -> to handle digital evidence. -> -> [...] -> -> They were hunting the deep recesses of a computer for traces of an -> increasingly popular bayberries weapon known as "malware" in a 7Safe -> training session. I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" So please expect me to insert the word "babyberries" bayberries into things until it becomes very obbayberriesnoxious, probably by the end of bayberries this sentence. -- Kberries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:20:10 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: > > -> > > -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries > > -> fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular > > -> bayberries weapon known as "malware" > > > > I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message > > to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN > > has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" > > "Bayberries" is the new "hello datacomp"! CNN has since corrected the article, while also fixing the correct spelling of "advanced": => In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advancd crime => fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular => crime weapon known as "malware" It seems that "bayberries" is code for "crime", and also any "e"s which aren't silent are invisible. A Google search (Web search, not news search) on "bayberries" turns up CNN's news story as the first hit, then a few zillion sites about botany, and Bruce Sterling's blog where he also mentioned that CNN has a bayberry infestation. He suggested it was due to a Microsoft Word macro virus, and then a reader suggested it was due to a spellchecker. I suppose it's possible that someone created a virus that was programmed only to attack the word "crime" in one article on one Web site, and it's possible that there's some spell-checker with a dictionary so small that "bayberries" is the most similar word to "criem" or "krime" (of the five in the dictionary), but I disagree with both theories. I think the reason CNN is blathering about bayberries is that THE BAYBERRIES ARE COMING! RUN! BEFORE THEY CROSS-BREED WITH THE STUFFED ANIMALS TO PRODUCE BEANIE BABY BAYBERRY BEARS! AUGH!!!! -- K. (*WUMP*) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 23:27:19 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:04:52 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > > -> soy sauce. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS PEOPLE! Oh, Kenton? Kenton? Hey, Kenton? Here's a handy tip for you: Practice sitting on your hands until you've read the _whole_ article so that you won't be embarassed when you do that before you get to the end of my article. To recap, I said: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > -> soy sauce. > > [...a few paragraphs of insightful analysis of the news...] > > -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing > -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 > -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, > -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale > -> food-poisoning cases. > > China has 14 kinds of foods now? > > -- K. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. Do you see that part after the "-- K."? That's still part of the article I wrote. The same article that you almost read part of. Now go sit on your hands in the corner and think about paying more attention next time I say something too obvious to be worth making a "Soylent Green" reference, let alone two of them. If I had wanted your help being obvious, I would've soaked you in the Obvious Bag, which is currently marinating in sugar-free tamari. -- K. I bought a 32-ounce bottle of hot sauce today. Should last a month or two if I just put in on food and don't drink shots of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 00:21:53 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:28 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probably something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:36 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probably something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:53:06 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:34 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:20 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Any duplicate articles are not my fault. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:29 -0400 If you see a few duplicate articles from me showing up late, it's due to circumstances beyond my control. No further information is available. -- K. Rrrrrrrrrrrr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 22:56:42 -0400 [re a school administrator using an electrified pen to give shocks to his co-workers as pranks] Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > And he has not been fired for being an abusive loon... why? > > I've heard rumors of workplaces in which people actually socialize > happily with their cow-orkers, including sometimes playing small, > harmless practical jokes on one another. Honest, Lots. A prank which causes pain is not "harmless", even if it causes no visible physical damage. Non-consensual pain _is_ emotional harm. Hurting other people without their consent is _not_ a prank, it's the very definition of abuse. As I've said, allegedly mature grown-ups shouldn't be using these "joke" shock pens, much less the kids they're marketed to. And trust me, the pens in question don't give cute little shocks. They give shocks which would make some people yell, cry, slug you in the face, etc. Let's put it this way: I imagine I have more experience than you with electrical devices designed for torturing humans (always consensually!) and those "joke" pens can (if held the right way) hurt more than some pretty serious sadomasochistic torture devices. And even a lot of people who go out of their way to experience pain have a serious phobia about even considering getting tiny little electrical shocks -- certainly those pens would make many little kids, and some grown-ups, scream or weep and suffer emotional trauma. This is not like giving someone a dribble glass. It's a "practical joke" on the order of running up to someone and sticking a tack in them. I bet Lynndie England owns one of these pens. And in addition, these pens aren't safe. For instance, there's nothing to stop someone from pressing the button while the pen is in a shirt pocket adjacent to the heart. Even a small current, when pulsed as the pens do, can easily stop a heart. (I don't know how much clothing the pens' shocks can penetrate, but they can probably go through at least a shirt.) It's not even clear whether the pens are legal here -- state law prohibits possession of any electrical device "designed to incapacitate temporarily, injure or kill", and lawyers could spend a lot of time arguing over whether the word "injure" means "cause pain and emotional distress" in addition to "cause visible physical damage". -- K. Kevin, your kink is REALLY NOT OKAY. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo, Kibo! What's Up with the Duplicate Posts? Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:38:42 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > You're a funny guy, K, but unlike episodes of "F Troupe" your stuff > doesn't get funnier with repetition. This from a guy who cross-posted followups to about a thousand articles from spammer George Hammond? If encouraging Hammond to flood a.r.k with boring junk is your idea of fun, then I refuse to accept any comments you try to give me, even backhanded ones. Tell you what, Kevin, to make up for the fact that you were inconvenienced for a few seconds because of network trouble I had no control over, why don't you come over and I'll help you learn why those shock pens you like aren't harmless fun practical jokes -- I think you have enough orifices that I could get at least three dozen into you, six dozen if you open your big mouth. -- K. And now, I'm going to post this three times, but the third one will have something special at the bottom that only Kevin will see when he reads all three all the way to the end. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Curry, floor, fuck. Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 00:21:25 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > My dear fellow Kibologists: > > I would just like to announce the unintended precipitation of my > curry this evening onto the kitchen floor (and parts of cooker). Oh. When I saw "Subject: Curry, floor, fuck." I thought this was going to be an ad for another local leather bar as tantalizing as the one that has pinball. Spicy food would be served on the dance floor (literally) and the bar would be called something like "Curried Jackboots". You have now disappointed me. Damn, can't wait to try visiting the place that has the pinball. If they have a Twilight Zone machine, my voice is going to go down an extra octave. I'm new enough to the scene that I'm worried I'll violate some unwritten social taboo of leather bars, like, if you wear your armband on the left you have to go second while playing pinball unless it's dark on Tuesday, and be forever ostracized from the community of perverts. If that happens, I'll have to join a model railroad club or something. > An immediate statement by myself in response to this event, while > not recorded verbatim, bore the overall sense of "Fuck! Fuck! > Fuck-fuck-fuck Fuckitty-fuck! Bastard fuck arse and fuck, thrice > fuckly! Thank you for doing this to me, God! Fuck!" Could be worse. You could have been lying on your back, eating curry with no shirt on, and gotten a big irregular scald all over your abdomen when you lost your really good spicy curry. Fortunately the angry red splotch faded after a few months. Today was one of those days when I was feeling really tense and so I did a few shots of hot sauce (well, two shots) to relax. > A spoon was thrown. > > The curry in question was a chicken korma, which was to be served > with white rice and sliced banana. The rice, together with that > part of the curry not still adhering to the kitchen carpet, has > now been transferred to the bin; the banana remains unzipped. Maybe you could serve your unzipped banana with some cod pieces. (WHY IS IT EVERYONE WHO LIKES SPICY FOOD IS A PERVERT LIKE YOU?) > Step have been taken to bake potatoes to accompany a reserve tin > of tuna fish. I just realized I haven't had canned tuna in most of a year. I should make some tuna salad. (Note: I dislike fresh tuna, but I can tolerate the canned kind without all that fish flavor.) -- K. Wait, you have _carpet_ in your _kitchen_? Who do you think you are, High Hefner?