From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's new sign day! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:02:06 -0400 This sign is taped to the elevator door in my apartment building's lobby: +------------------+ | STAR WAX ON | | FLOOR BASEMENT | | 10PM A 1AM | | DON'T NOT ENTER | +------------------+ ...so obviously I have to go down there tonight because I can't not enter. I think George Lucax ruined Star Wax when he added Wax-Wax Jinx sliding around in the basement like a big spax. -- K. And it's not really a lobby, more of a no-man's land. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Hello Kitty Rant" Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:12:55 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > This is my "Hello Kitty Rant." Hi, Seth! And these are your Hello Kitty Underoos! Fresh from the dryer! > What are you guys doing, constantly talking about Hello Kitty? And leather! We got both topics of conversation here! Hello Kitty and leather! > That show is supposed to be for little 3-year-old girls! And fat ones too! Stop discriminating against girls who are too fat to watch "Hello Kitty"! > You guys start worshipping the weird Japanese cartoon as a goddess > or something. Hi, Seth! And this is our human sacrifice for today! Kneel at the altar of the Mouthless One and close your eyes and think warm thoughts, these hedge shears are mighty cold! > Am I going insane or something? Hi, Seth! This is the first time I've said hi to you today! If you think I keep saying hi to you then maybe you should ask me if you're going insane or something! > While I'm on the subject of being insane, did you guys know that > Wolfgang Peterson is literally insane. With Troy coming out, that > seems pretty impressive. Troy is gay? Did he know before or after he changed his name from Boxie between "Battlestar: Galactica" and "Galactica: 1980"? Hi, Seth! I am proud that I know the backstory continuity between the good season of "Galactica" and the terrible season of "Galactica"! And now you do too, in your Underoos! > Diane Kruger, the actress that plays Helen is gorgeous. Hi, Seth! Do you prefer movies with good-looking actresses or ugly ones? I like Hello Kitty! -- K. I like Hello Kitty even though she forgot to have a mouth! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 00:57:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Is my signature cool? No. > Should I get a better signature? No, you should get a worse one. > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > other than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > That's cool, but it's old. Yeah, well, so are YOUUUUUUUUUUUU! You're FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD!!! ...sorry, I just channeled Barbara Bain for a moment there. The episode where she scratches the guy's face and he ages to death, not the one where she kills Brian Blessed by holding his hand, which is not the same as the one where Brian Blessed is wearing a gayer costume than the one he wore in "Flash Gordon". Where were we? Oh, yes, your .signature is not as cool as "Flash Gordon". Even if you can sing it to the same tune. > -- > Seth Goldin thump thump thump thump thump thump thump THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Savior of the Universe! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Save every one of us! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! He's a miracle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! King of the impossible! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! A big piece of broccoli! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Skateboarding with a monocle! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Purple from head to toes! SETH! AAAAAA-AAAAAAAA! Up his nose with a rubber hose! He's for every one of us, he stands for every one of us, he'llsavewithameatyhandeverymaneverywomaneverychildhe'samighty SETH! (Seth, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!) Just a man with a man's courage a manly manly macho macho man of men men, men, men, men, men, men, SETH-HEARTED MEN! Nothing but a man who can never fail No-one but the pure of heart may eat the Golden Grahams ah-ahhhhhhhhhhhh oh-ohhhhhhhhhhhh wa-waaaaaaaaaaaa SETH! -- K. I'm glad I have never used a .signature. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:56:48 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, other > > > than Matt McIrvin's "Indent-O-Meter." > > > > How about some Icy-Hot? That's cool. Oh, wait, you said cool stuff > > to put in your signature, not in your shorts. Well, you could do both. > > I looked at the above lines of text too quickly and they Spoke To Me > about "Matt McIrvin's 'Indent-O-Shorts'". I think you need to put Icy-Hot in your brain and quick. Also you should try moxibustion because I like saying "moxibustion", which is an ancient Chinese word meaning "horrible-tasting soft drink made from 50% bitterness and 50% bustion to yield some sort of quack medical product involving either open flame or carbonation." Also, moxibustion involves mugwort, and mugwort is a mixture of 50% liverwort and 50% Mug root beer, for a liverworty taste sensation. Okay, I'll stop lying. Moxibustion is a perfectly scientific Chinese medical treatment involving having some guy hold the tip of a lit cigar a quarter-inch from your nipple while shouting "DING DONG, DING DONG!" Also, I am proud of myself for mentioning "mugwort" without turning this into a new Harry Potter novel. -- K. Why do acupuncture needles come in boxes of 100 when you need at least 350 to make a really good Pinhead Halloween costume? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:01:29 -0400 Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > I find it hard to believe that someone with a WebTV implanted in his head > would have a hard time figuring out what to put in a .sig. Have you not > considered a midi rendition of "MacArthur Park" accompanying a chorus line > of animated Jawas marching across a scrolling copy of "Jonathan Livingston > Seagull," in a 500-pt blackletter font? Don't forget a line of dancing bears pointing at the Jawas and saying, "LOOK! HERE COME THE ANIMATED JAWAS! THEY'RE ANIMATED! AND HOW!" and also they should all really be Jar-Jar. Also, it should be a version of "MacArthur Park" sung by barking dogs accompanied by Jar-Jar on a space kazoo from the planet Kazoozie. > If that's too much for you, perhaps an ASCII picture of the USS Enterprise > shooting giant swords at Perth would be closer to your tastes. No, no! An ASCII parade of every version of the USS Enterprise! With a tiny ASCII Stephen Collins pointing at them and saying "All these ships were called 'Enterprise'!" to a bald woman who can't act! And the fourth one would have to be the ring-shaped long-necked ship shown in that painting in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" and also the really butch-looking primitive Enterprise in "Star Trek: Enterprise" at the same time to avoid introducing the first-ever continuity problem in the "Star Trek" canon! Don't forget ASCII portraits of Kirk and Picard, too. I'll get you started with Picard: _ _________ / \ /"WHO LET \ /_ _\ /THE BOY ON \ ( o o ) __/\MY BRIDGE?"/ | _(_ | \_________/ \_____/ Wait, that's Bert from "Sesame Street", only even less fun to be around. But since he and Picard are otherwise identical, you can put him in your .signature, especially if you can figure out a way to make William Shatner be Ernie. -- K. Spock is Cookie Monster, except with pointy ears instead of an insatiable appetite for cookies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:48:35 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Is my signature cool? > > Not yet. Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are inherently uncool? > > Should I get a better signature? > > You're Allowed. Yes, but only as long as he ends it with "This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo." > > Give me some feedback on cool stuff to put in my signature, > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, plus I lost my file of cool .signatures back > when I moved from panacea to vic, because of a brainfart-related deleting > incident. So I have no feedback at this time. I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide so I can't quote it (and also, somehow, it appears to pack at least 96 columns worth of stuff into those 80 columns.) Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it with my usual "greater-than, space, space" indentogon: > -- > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the > flower > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to > see > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > VRbeable > http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! > --K. ...and that's like an Indent-O-Meter stuck on "oops". But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: -- +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer "Hey you" |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison Zingers |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's O-S-C-A-ARRR |=(___\====================|Comcast analog cable just dropped CNN Headline News. | |A white stripe stands for a cloud of tapioca pudding |==========================|The heart is falling over so you can still recognize |--------------------------|the flag while you're asleep. VISUALIZE A NEW POTSIE |==========================|http://www.kibo.com/ - not updated since 1997 +--------------------------+Eat more bees / I am typing FILLER in ALLLL CAAAAAPS I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. -- K. Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like things are supposed to be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Signature Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:43:06 -0400 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > Is my signature cool? > > > > > > Not yet. > > > > Do you think someday we should tell him that .signatures are > > inherently uncool? > > He'll find out. Some day. And on that day, everyone else should start posting with a .signature just to confuse him. > > > Mine stabilized a long time ago, > > > > I was going to comment on yours, but it's 80 columns wide [...] > > Here's how badly it would get mangled if I tried to quote it [...] > > > > > -- > > > \/David DeLaney posting from dbd@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows > > > the > > > flower > > > It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for > > > anyone to > > > see > > > Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET > > It's a double-sided double-density .sig . And you _copied_ it without the > patented ExploTab (c) Protection!!1! Oooo, Ashcroft's going to GET you... Please do penance for making me remember the days when you had to carefully examine all the boxes of floppy disks in the store to find the "DSDD" ones instead of the "SSDD" and "DSSD" and "SSSD" ones even though they were all actually identical except for the acronyms, only one of which stood for anything obscene enough to be amusing. > > But let's see what happens if I try to affect one like yours just to > > foil people who want to quote me. Preparing for massive textcramming: > > > > -- > > +--------------------------+James "Kibo" Parry posting from a computer > > "Hey you" > > |==========================|Science has yet to disprove all DollyMadison > > Zingers > > |--( \---------------------|My pirate baloney has a first name,it's > > O-S-C-A-ARRR > > Aaahhhhhhh. > > Kibo has posted a .signature, the first new one since ... I can't _tell_, > they're all timestamped February 18 2001! Waaah! > > Anyway, my work here is done for to-day. Yes, and now, it's time for stamping. > > I think the problem is that it's hard to do a pride symbol with nine > > stripes of three different colors in just one and a half lines like > > you did. I hate you in mostly lowercase for being a member of > > community which can be represented by four keystrokes instead of 252. > > But that's the only one of the communities of which I am a member (which all > seem not to like, that much, having me as a member, I think it's the > asparagus syndrome or something) that condenses into four keystrokes, so I > had to make them STAND for all the others too! I like to make mine stamp for all the others. "Stamp" is a fun word to say or do. Especially "rubber stamp". Just to make you happy and be in compliance with all the abritrary rules of stupid Internet etiquette, I made an X-Face version which combines my standard overly-bold "K" with that nine-stripe dithered flag but I promise to only use it on special occasions after I test it out right now. Let's see how many computers this crashes. It contains enough highly complicated graphical data that I could only compress it down to two lines: X-Face: ;\@!~C~Is%p@}v]EOF_;be\$~wTt_gQ|yk:(l{3vTx?LWX=bM[}>8{teHZ'6[tf\+o2 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 > > Still, it's easier to draw than the Brookline town seal, which is > > complex to draw even if you don't stop for an hour to wait for the > > migraine to go away after trying to figure out what the waffle-like > > things are supposed to be. > > If they're the things on the lower right, they're either Giant Waffles, > escaped matzoh, or pieces of a centuries-old newspaper, I think. I figured they were supposed to be blocks of compressed maple sugar, dating from the days when the United States was referred to only as "Lower Canada". You know you're old when your Social Security card says "United Provinces Of Lower Canada" below that maple leaf holding an eagle in its claws. -- K. Good thing we don't have any Canajians here on this Amurrican Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Question Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 01:26:03 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Is it perverted to wear leather pants for non-perverted reasons? I'm not qualified to answer that question. (awkward pause) Hey, I just got some great new leather police gloves. The ones with the pound of birdshot sewn into the knuckles of each glove, suitable for putting your fist through the car windows of idiots who stop with their front wheels in your crosswalk, or just accidentally knocking people onto the subway tracks if you absent-mindedly swing your arms while you walk through Park Street Under. Not that I would ever do either, of course. You see... (singing) I'm a NICE guy! I'm such a NICE guy! This is ME, I'm a NICE guy! I don't KNOW any of the LYRICS to this SONG! Hey, where are YOU from, BALDimore? I'm a NICE guy! I'm a really NICE guy! Sigh. I can't even do a good job of pretending to be Don Rickles because I REALLY AM A NICE GUY! -- K. And if you disagree, I'll crush you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Smurfs Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:23:45 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Smurfs are little blue humanoids with white gloves. They were > created by the cartoonist "Peyo" in 1958. They re-emerged in the 1980s, > becoming a worldwide phenomenon and exterminating all of the indigenous > little people. Eventually the fad died out, but Peyo understood that > cutesy figurines never stay popular for long, so he designed the Smurfs > to be active and dormant in 23-year cycles. Brood Y [Smurf Smurf] will > reappear in vast numbers soon, digging their way out of their little > burrows/ammunition caches, cutifying the world by force and allowing a > new generation to "discover the magic". It's okay, I've been going around dumping boric acid into hollow trees and around cobbler shops. That helps get rid of Smurfs, sprites, Cottingley fairies, Keeblers, and assorted midgets. If I were you, I'm not sure I would have called the Smurfs "humanoid". More like "verminoid" or possibly "smurftacularly smurfnoxious". Oh, and memo to any Smurfs who might be reading: This time, the land of the humans has more than one cat in it. Bye-bye, Smurfs. -- K. Your shoe size equals the number you can crush at once. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 13:52:39 -0400 [from the San Francisco Chronicle via SFGate.com] -> -> SAN FRANCISCO -> Race's naked joggers to be tolerated, barely -> They must dress at finish line or get ticketed -> -> Steve Rubenstein, Chronicle Staff Writer -> Saturday, May 15, 2004 -> -> -> Running naked through the streets of San Francisco will be OK and not -> OK, according to the people in charge of the Bay to Breakers race. Okay and not okay? I thought that in San Francisco _everything_ was at least one or the other. -> You're not supposed to do it, said race organizers, wink-winking -> and nudge-nudging. But if you decide to do it on Sunday morning, -> there's not much anybody can do to stop you. -> -> Every year, more and more people run the 7.5-mile race without -> clothes. Last year, there were more than 200 nude runners. Now, -> they even have their own Web site, logo, caps and souvenir pins. You know, I can't wait until about 2025 when the last of the old-guard reporters will finally die off so that we'll stop seeing newspaper and magazine articles that offer breathless amazement that some person, company, or group has a Web site! If this reporter had been born fifty years earlier, I bet he would've been writing articles that included the phrase "and the company even has a phone number." -> This year, police say they will cite naked runners who do not -> clothe themselves once they cross the finish line at the west end -> of Golden Gate Park, but will not try to stop naked runners -> during the race. -> -> Angela Fang, head of the foundation that organizes the race, says -> she was told by police that it is "not physically possible'' to -> cite nudists in motion. Unless you spell "cite" the other way. Binoculars can help with that, too. -> "There's no way for police to run into the race and yank out the -> naked runners,'' she said Friday. If the police were clever, they'd all get naked so they could infiltrate the race. Of course, concealing their badges might be a little painful due to sharp corners. -> Race organizers were clearly of two minds about the whole thing. -> They want as many runners as they can get, at $40 a head. They do -> not want to offend paying customers, and they do not want to -> offend nervous Nellies, either. -> -> Typically, naked runners carry clothes in a fanny pack or hide -> clothes in Golden Gate Park, and clothe themselves immediately -> after crossing the finish line. San Francisco is one of the few places in the world where you can pull a thong out of a fanny pack and then be fully clothed. In Boston, you'd die of hypothermia if you carried your clothes in anything smaller than an eighteen-wheeler suitcase. -> "It's a family event, and we know people bring their children,'' -> Fang said. "But the Bay to Breakers means so much to so many -> people, and this is San Francisco. We don't want to change -> anything. We're torn.'' -> -> Some of the naked runners compete as members of Bare to Breakers. -> On their Web site (baretobreakers.com), they call themselves -> "outrageous and courageous'' and have their own souvenir pin, -> even though attaching the pin on race day could prove challenging. -> -> Seeded runner Jackie Brooks, who will be racing at the front of -> the pack and is one of the favorites, says she doesn't mind if -> people run naked, as long as they finish behind her. Then she'll go over to Folsom Street and run in some leather-oriented race, as long as all the guys are Finnish behind her. I'm sorry, that was only about 2/3 of the way to being a pun. I challenge anyone to go the distance and work "Touko Laaksonen" in there. -> "To each his own,'' she said. "It doesn't bother me. It's sort of funny.'' -> -> She says a serious runner like herself would never run naked, -> however, because running is "tough enough'' with clothes on. Then she went home and ate her ice cream seriously, forcing herself to feel no enjoyment whatsoever. Damn, I hate serious people. I just want to hit them with pies. -> Race veteran John Hearney, who in past years has raced as a -> giraffe, a tree, Coit Tower and the Transamerica Pyramid, was -> testing the giant 45-pound windmill costume he will be wearing -> Sunday. Of course, in San Francisco, dressing as a mini-golf obstacle amid naked people could lead to someone putting their balls into him. That was only 1/3 of a pun, and it wasn't the missing third of the other one. But these people aren't making it easy for me. -> He says he doesn't care about naked runners, either. So is he a eunuch, or just stupid? -> "I don't think it's a distraction,'' he said. "The windmill is a -> distraction, but not somebody naked. Not in San Francisco.'' I see... so... this articles point is that the controversy over this nudathon is that nobody gives a damn about the nudathon. It would be so emotionally draining for me to live in a city where it's okay to try to shock everyone because nobody puts any effort into having a reaction to anything. "Look! I'm drilling holes in my face with an eggbeater!" "Ho hum, that's nice, will you help me get something down from that top shelf?" -- K. San Francisco is really screwed up. I have a hunch that when I eventually visit there, I'm not going to leave nice, comfortable Folsom Street. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:12:21 -0400 [concerning the fine people of New York City] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The last time I was in the City, a vaguely Caucasian-looking guy with an > unidentifiable accent came up to me in the subway and repeatedly told me > he wanted to "parahode," waiting for me to direct him to the proper > staircase. I couldn't figure out what to say because I kept thinking I > almost understood him and then realizing it sounded like he was looking > for a *perekhod*, so I just stood there gaping at him blankly and > stupidly, not managing to come out with any words to tell him I couldn't > understand what he was saying. When the train arrived, he got on one > door down from me, stood looking at me through the crowd as I struggled > to figure out my own route, and then darted back off the train just > before the doors closed. Oh, you meant "vaguely Caucasian" as in "Russkie". I had to look up that "perekhod" meant "place where you can transfer between trains" in Russian. So without access to Google, I would not have been able to understand your story, and you would have started almost following me around town on the subway, except that I think the story might have had a different ending, if you imagine me as Sylvester Stallone in "Bananas". I have a hard time imagining myself as Stallone, unless it's in a Woody Allen movie where the credits aren't in that same ugly font he always uses (Windsor Condensed.) Someone please either buy Woody a new font or get Stallone to beat him up again. Here in Boston, when someone asks us for directions and we don't know where to direct them, we just point to some random spot on the horizon, at least if the person demanding directions is more obnoxious than we are. If they ask nicely, I point them in some arbitrary direction and then mention that I'm not "sure" that's the best route, but if they're surly and/or drunk, I just get them the hell away from me. -- K. The rule seems to be that when lost, people ask the person with the thickest eyeglasses, even if he is clearly evil. I really need contact lenses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nudity! Action! And not as overhyped as the Boston Marathon! Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 18:23:00 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Summary version: > > A. People with NO! clothes on are NA> B. When they run they look funny. > C. Reporters find this funny enough to write about. > D. Editors find this funny enough to publish. > E. Kibo finds this funny enough to PARODY! Don't make me come down there with a copy of my rant about the difference between parody, pastiche, lampoon, satire, sarcasm, sadism, stalactites, and stalagmites. I was just heckling the reporter who wasn't here, not actually parodying anything. Also I was questioning why people would even bother living in San Francisco if they weren't excited to see other people's openly-flaunted perversions. I'd think that by now everyone in San Francisco would either be some sort of flamboyant kinkster or someone who would spend all day ogling the flamboyant kinksters. To live in San Francisco and just not care that there are naked triathletes running across your lawn, that's just a waste of exhibitionism. Everyone should give exhibitionists a stare or two instead of rudely accepting them. Speaking of stalactites, there's one growing in Park Street Under that looks to be about ten inches long. They grow so fast in artificial environments like subway stations due to all the cement and plaster and asbestos and other powdery stuff that can wash down from the ceiling whenever there's seepage (and if there's one thing Park Street Under has plenty of, it's seepage.) All the stalactites are little skinny things about a quarter-inch in diameter, with no taper -- they look like gray icicles, but probably taste worse. > Actually, nudity is a joke played on you by GOD! So then, backless jockstraps sold by International Male are a joke played on whom by whom? I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that there is underwear so gay that only straight people who don't know the meaning of the word "gay" could like it. -- K. God, of course, wears big boy underpants under his black leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: T minus 34 hours and counting until my local news channels show something other than the war. Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:26:08 -0400 [from Advocate.com] -> -> Republicans argue same-sex marriage would cost govt. billions -> -> Testifying Thursday at a U.S. House Judiciary Subcommittee -> hearing on the proposed Federal Marriage Amendment, which is -> backed by President Bush, Republican lawmakers argued that -> allowing same-sex couples to legally marry would be bad because -> it could cost the federal government a lot of money. OH MY! STOP THE PRESSES! SOMETHING MIGHT SOMEDAY CAUSE THE GOVERNMENT TO SPEND SOME MONEY! IT MIGHT MAKE THEM HAVE TO THINK OR SOMETHING! Every once in a while I wonder about these people who don't understand that the concept of money is that you're supposed to spend it, not just put it in a big pile and measure its height once a week like you're collecting a ball of string. -> Rep. Spencer Bachus, an Alabama Republican, ...was then marooned on a desert island with several other walking stereotypes including a professor, a fat guy, a movie star, and the other kind of slut. He spent the next several years trying to get off the island because he was creeped out by the phrase "little buddy". -> cited past government studies that found that giving gay and -> lesbian couples the same benefits as married straight couples -> could cost the Treasury billions of dollars, the San Francisco -> Chronicle reports. But Democrats denounced the comments, arguing -> that gay and lesbian couples also pay federal taxes and deserve -> the same legal protections and federal benefits as other couples. -> "You don't save money by denying people rights in America," -> said Rep. Barney Frank, the openly gay Democrat from Massachusetts. There's only one openly gay Democrat in Massachusetts? At last I understand how Mitt Romney got elected. -> According to the Chronicle, Bachus cited a recent General -> Accounting Office report that detailed 1,138 federal laws (article pauses a moment so George Lucas can circle that number and feel very special about his movie which predicted that, in the world of the future, Donald Pleasence could have your wife eradicated so that he could move in with you, at least if you're Robert Duvall) -> in which marital status is a factor in receiving benefits, rights, -> or privileges. The laws affect everything from a spouse's ability -> to collect Social Security, disability, and veterans' benefits to -> legal rights to file joint tax returns, apply for joint -> homeowners' insurance, or claim family leave to care for a sick -> partner. Bachus ticked off some of the federal programs that -> could be affected if gay and lesbian couples had full marriage -> rights: "Social Security, food stamps, disability payments, -> welfare, Medicare, Medicaid." OH NO! THEY'LL HAVE TO ISSUE GAY FOOD STAMPS! AND LESBIAN FOOD STAMPS! AND SUPERMARKETS WILL HAVE TO SET UP SPECIAL SECTIONS FOR GAY FOOD! THERE WILL BE CREME BRULEE EVERYWHERE! PEOPLE WILL DIE OF ARUGULA POISONING! AND SUPERMARKET CROISSANTS WILL NO LONGER ALWAYS BE STALE! Oh, wait, they already have an all-gay supermarket here, called "Bread & Circus". -> Then he asked the panel of witnesses: "Won't this just break the -> bank?" Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colo.), the chief House sponsor -> of the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, -> said she had not seen a full accounting of the costs of offering -> the benefits to gays and lesbians. THE GOVERNMENT WILL HAVE TO SHUT DOWN THE WAR SO IT CAN GIVE GAY PEOPLE UNLIMITED LUBE PRIVILEGES! GOVERNMENT OFFICE BUILDINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST FIVE KINDS OF RESTROOMS! SORRY, NASA, NO MONEY FOR YOU, WE HAD TO SPEND IT ON PAINTING THE WHITE HOUSE PINK! -> But she argued that "activist judges" should not be allowed to -> impose decisions that could impact the finances of state and -> federal governments. JUDGES SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING! EVER! ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE AND THEY'RE NAKED AND SWEATY UNDER THOSE BLACK ROBES! -> [...] -> Proponents of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage recently -> changed the language of the amendment to make clear that states -> can approve civil unions. I think we should force straight people to get civil unions, because married couples spend too much time arguing. -- K. If someone wants to save the country money, they should just let people marry whoever they want because that's gotta be cheaper than all the paper and videotape and electrons that are being spent on this endless bloviation over whether the government should care about people's sexual orientation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Date: Sat, 15 May 2004 14:35:43 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > WHy in the name of beef do people think there are no words that > > rhyme with orange? > > > > Hello? Binge! > > There's two kinds of rhymes. If a phrase's last syllable is stressed > then it can rhyme with any other phrase with a matching last stressed > syllable. > > If the last syllable isn't stressed, you have to back up to the last > syllable that IS stressed and then match all the syllables from that one > to the end. > > So 'Hello? Binge!" doesn't rhyme with 'orange' because 'binge' is > stressed and 'ange' isn't. Dear Witchiepoo, What about "syringe"? "twinge"? "fringe"? I can stress _any_ word I want, because I don't talk like a robot, dammit! And even if you play by some silly rules that says you can't stress the good part of "orange"... What about "blorange"? "squorange"? And let's not forget the famous scented Play-Doh flavor, "Explorange". (I wish I could.) > Also, the 'o' in 'hello' is pronounced like in 'own' while the 'o' in > 'orange' is pronounced like in 'or', as I say them anyway, and 'inge' in > 'binge' is like in 'hinge' while 'ange' in 'orange' sounds more like the > first syllable of 'enjoy' to my ear. Why don't you go hand the man the dandy candy. > Those caveats aside, you are of course 100% correct. I am 75% correct and 58% wrong and 23% sweet creamery butter and 91% alkaline aquarium butter. Also, those numbers add up to only 103%, which is what makes it okay because 3% never matters in mathematics. > Hey, I don't make the rules, I just break 'em. That doesn't rhyme. Therefore, you are bad. P.S. Yes, Witchiepoo once sang a song titled "There Ain't No Rhyme For Oranges" on "H.R. Pufnstuf". You see, this is because, being a Sid & Marty Krofft show, it was a total fantasy, which is why in their topsy-turvy world they pretended there ain't no rhyme for oranges. -- K. "Stonehenge"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:40:00 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Subject: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... > > When they swarm it sounds JUST LIKE a phaser on overload from TOS. Do you mean the "force chamber explosion" from "The Cage" aka "The Menagerie", or do you mean the much slower one from "The Conscience Of The King", or the faster one from "That Which Survives"? Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in my own head holes. There's a certain pitch somewhere in the 30-50 Hz range which, when I hit it, makes my ears start buzzing in a very disturbing way. I now require the services of a volunteer to come over and listen to all the parts of my head to determine whether my ears are actually emitting sound or whether they just think they are because the rest of my skull is vibrating. -- K. For some reason, I have a headache today. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:01:34 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself > > Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because > > last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in > > my own head holes. > > Yay! I learned how to do that because my car stereo > broke and I never bothered to fix it, or for some > similarly stupid reason, some time after Genghis Blues > came out. It really annoys this one English post-doc in > my lab, and I think perhaps his village had been razed by > Mongols. Or Tibetan Buddhists, maybe. Does it also make you feel like you concussed yourself on a car door? Also, does this ability have anything to do with being tantric? Anyway, I should take after you and use my 30-50 Hz resonance to annoy people. Especially people who either (a) inform me that "Hey, your beard matches your sunglasses!" or (b) ask, "How did you get your hair to be that color?" I've had (a) four times in the two days since I got the orange sunglasses (AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DIDN'T PICK THEM OUT WITH MY EYES CLOSED AND MATCH THEM TO MY FACIAL HAIR BY ACCIDENT) and I was actually asked (b) today, so I graciously explained the concept of dye. Then the person (who I think thought I just stepped off a cruise ship from San Francisco or something) helpfully told me that there were "bad people in Boston who judge you by your clothes and not what's in your heart," and I did an indicating-my-entire-body gesture with my lead-lined gloves and said in my most serious voice, "I am AWARE I am projecting a certain image," as I stood there in the biker boots and the biker jeans and the biker jacket and et cetera. I got a few other nice compliments on this week's look (with the sunglasses matched to the facial hair) today. The bus driver liked it, the Trader Joe's cashier liked it (when I told him I changed the hair color on a weekly basis, he said "You should consider yourself a performance artist," and I brought back that voice to say "OH, I DO." Then someone who complimented me on my leathers asked me if I rode a motorcycle, and I said, "No, I don't have one of these," (miming twisting handlebar grips) "I have one of these," (miming a whip) and then he asked me if I were an equestrian. What do I have to do to actually be "out", pass out pamphlets? I plan to keep the blond hair (with orange in the middle of the beard) for several more days, then I'm considering black dye in the hair and light orange in the beard. I'd like to find some blood-red mirrorshades because I think I'd look great in all black with red lenses, but it's hard to find mirrorshades in any colors other than silver, blackish, and blue. I was lucky to find the really nice orange pair I have (I'm pretty fussy about lens shape. Because my face is tall and blocky I need lenses with corners, not rounded lenses, and because my uncorrected focal distance is so short I like big lenses -- small ones look too dainty anyway -- so I always have a hell of a time finding big rectangular lenses, let alone finding them with a mirror finish in a particular color.) It's really weird how eyewear trumps everything else about your look. And then hair color trumps everything but eyewear. That's when two men meet -- when a man meets a woman, one of them looks at boobs and the other looks at shoes. -- K. And why the hell do sunglasses never fit into eyeglass cases? I have a really nice all-metal case that even my big-blocky-lens minus-ten-diopter seeing glasses can fit inside, but all sunglasses have curved frames that make them not fit. And I don't want to just put the sunglasses in my pocket because I don't want scratches on the nice orange coating on the lenses. Argh! LOOKING GOOD IS ANNOYING TO ME EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD GETS TO ENJOY MY RADIANT HANDSOMENESS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 14:09:15 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > > > robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > > > When they swarm it sounds JUST LIKE a phaser on overload from TOS. > > > > There's a poster in my apartment building telling us to keep the > > doors closed because there are 150 million cicadas per square acre > > out there. That sounds like a lot, but it works out to be around > > 600,000 per bushel-fathom, which isn't so bad. > > I did make a blurry video of a tree covered in cicadas, with the > high-pitched phaser warble droning in the background. Some of you > might have new and l33t enough video players to be able to watch this > in all its blurry glory: > > http://www.manfre-land.com/temp/cicadanoise.avi It broke my computer real good. Anyway, I have a solution to the whole cicadian overlords thing: (David Letterman enters, dressed as a pirate. He yells "ARRRRR!" and this makes a speech balloon containing a single capital "R" above his head. Letterman reaches into the balloon and pulls out the "R" and uses it to change the word "cicadian" to "circadian" so the insects only chirp once every 25 hours.) Of course, some of you might find that to be worse than Chinese water torture, but I'm sorry, Letterman doesn't have enough letters in his pirate vocabulary to change "circadian" to "Chinese water torture" to make you happy. -- K. I don't think I've even heard a mosquito in several years. This is because I live in the city, where nothing can survive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey Mr.Wilson! Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 22:41:10 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > When step-daughter was Chefing,she and the kitchen help used to > > unband the lobster's claws and give them steak knives to hold and > > wave around,presumably to give the lobsters a last chance to play > > super heros before taking a soothing,hot bath. > > I like that idea! My ex-boyfriend used to dance around the bushel > basket of live crabs, brandishing the can of Old Bay and taunting them. Question: Is it more sadistic or less sadistic to give the lobsters steak knives? I suspect it depends on whether you are reinforcing the idea "Ha ha, you can't fight back even if I give you a knife" or actually trying to help them fight fairly. I ask merely because it is important to understand everything about sadism, which is the most useful life skill anyone can cultivate, especially seafood chefs. Also, Barbara, is your ex-boyfriend still available? > > Do you get frozen crawfish in your area? Okay, now I'm going to have to sit cross-legged for the rest of this train ride. Curse you and your projective mental imagery about icy-cold pincers and areas. -- K. Couldn't you have mentioned something less painful to have in one's area, such as an improperly-grounded neon sign? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The DMCA and tap dancing Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 00:23:41 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > Coming soon to a filesharing network near you, 2:30 of tyler's tap > dance recital, the last thirty seconds of which are cut because 'security' > at the event ordered me shut down the camera. Dude, you didn't do the Michael Moore hack to your camera that lets you switch the red LED off while the camera is still running? How are you and Tyler going to get Project Mayhem off the ground if you keep doing what The Man tells you? Also, I want to see the footage of the security person who made you shut off the camera. > I pay for the tap classm I pay for the tickets to the performance, > now the goon claims 'copyrights' would be violated it I tape my > daughter tap dancing. Yes, if she's tapping out the twist ending to "The DaVinci Code". (IT'S A COOKBOOK! No, wait, I spelled that wrong -- IT'S A WORTHLESSBOOK!) > I complain afterwards, naturally he's just following order of the > house manager, I complain to the stage manager who mutters something > about 'union rules' but gives me a free copy of the video that they > are making for sale. I once got a free copy of the souvenir videotape from "Conan O'Brien's Desk Ride" at NBC headquarters, but I don't know if that was because I simply didn't realize I was supposed to give the guy ten dollars after I took it from his hand and dashed for the exit, or whether they were just in a hurry to get me out of there before the building closed so that they could keep anyone from spying on the secret rehearsals for the side-splittingly hilarious "Saturday Night Live". Okay, must have been the former. > So if the Lincoln theater under 20 tones of xerox copies of the DCMA, > that wasn't me flying the helicopter. And if the goon hadn't made you shut off your camera, you'd now have the only footage of Ford being shot there, Mr. Prudezapper. -- K. Keep zapping those prudes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray for social change! Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 01:05:39 -0400 Hey! I just realized that as of less than an hour ago, it would now be legal for me to marry the silver screen's Jack Black should he ever accept my proposal. (I don't know why he hasn't agreed to marry me yet. By the way, can anyone tell me his address or phone number so I can ask him?) For the next few days, I expect my local TV news to have 90% less Michael Jackson and Iraq and Martha Stewart and Donald Trump and a lot more happy people, except for those funny cranks who keep talking about how "those gays keep trying to ram their sexuality down my throat, really hard, over and over..." -- K. Homophobes talk about sucking off men more often than Ronald McDonald talks about hamburgers. However, I think Ronald McDonald talks about blowjobs the most. He likes the pickle-flavored condoms. Oh, and don't ask for a milkshake. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 15:23:48 -0400 Uh oh, someone knows how to push my buttons: Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > DIY Taser > > http://www.techtv.com/unscrewed/ihateyou/story/0,24682,3653392,00.html > > Dark Tip: Reach Out and Zap Someone > Turn your crappy camera into a zestful zapper. > By Joey the Intern > > => When you live in fear-driven times such as these, having grown up with > => MacGyver as a role model has its advantages. Kevin and I thought it > => would be cool to MacGyver our own shocking device in glove form, using > => simply what we had lying around the house. What was lying around the > => house was a simple one-time-use camera. VERY BAD IDEA, dangerous to yourself, dangerous to others, and likely to lead to you getting murdered if you try to defend yourself with it. It's akin to saying "Hey kids! You can make your own machine gun for defending yourself with, by just holding three cherry bombs in your mouth!" > => These disposable cameras (about $5 dollars a pop) have a capacitor > => that can store up to 600 volts of stopping power. When the capacitor > => discharges those volts, it delivers an amperage comparable to stun guns. A real stun gun would go right through the glove and several layers of clothing as well. You can get a stun gun that makes three-quarter-inch arcs off a 9v battery for $30 these days. In fact, you can buy them from Amazon.com -- even in states where they're illegal. Stun guns run at far more than 600v. They're 30,000v to 750,000v, usually off one to three 9v batteres. 600v off small batteries is more similar to what anti-bark collars for dogs use. It would cause pain and momentary distraction (maybe making someone fall over) but then they'd get up and they would be _very_ angry. A stun gun could leave them lying there drooling for a long time. Both could cause little burns, but there's a world of difference between the high-voltage, high-frequency output of a stun gun and a disposable camera's capacitor. This thing's low-voltage, relatively high-amperage output is probably more likely to just cause pain and rage than to disable someone who's determined to get you. You better believe me when I say that if you tried shocking me with one of these home-made gloves, I WOULD BE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU. Or at least take your toy glove away and ram it down your throat. (Even real stun guns are not good self-defense weapons -- they require a few seconds of contact, and it's possible for someone to get them away from you during that time if they can fight through the pain. Most don't even have safeties, let alone a feature to disable them if the bad person turns it around -- except for the smaller stunners designed for women. This means that if you keep the batteries in your stun gun, it's not that difficult to sit on the thing and shock yourself accidentally. Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) Don't fuck around with home-made electrical weapons if you don't know volts from amps, AC from DC, etc. And definitely don't fuck around with them on the advice of some bonehead on the Internet. And _certainly_ don't try to defend yourself with something that won't even go through a glove, unless you expect only to be attacked by naked people. Also, "Taser" is not a synonym for "stun gun". A Taser is a specific brand of _projectile_ weapon that shoots wires at people. (In my view, Tasers are one of the worst weapons in history because you can only fire them once. What if you miss? And they're $600!) I would suggest not taking advice from any Web page that doesn't know the difference between a glove and a projectile. Sheesh, I wish Gharlane were still alive so I wouldn't have to be the one to write this rant. -- K. Oh, and also, the article fails to mention that they're encouraging you to commit a felony (in many states) -- possession of an electrical weapon is illegal in a lot of places. (Not only its use, but even its possession.) Nice advice, TechTV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:46:58 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you > > having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) > > Or so KIBO would have you believe. To Kibo, being doused with > pepper spray is about as much of a deterrent as harsh language > or a threatening, manly moustache. Mustaches aren't threatening! Unless they're on women serving Tater Tots in high school. Or worse, women serving Tater Tots in the Department Of Motor Vehicles. And hell yes, I'm serious, pepper spray would incapacitate me and anyone else who has eyeballs connected to their nervous system. Try it if you don't believe me. (I mean try it on _yourself_, you perv.) Seriously, people may be more afraid of stun guns, but pepper spray's more likely to work. > So if you're concerned about personal safety, carry pepper spray > AND a can of Cheez-Whiz, Cheez Whiz comes in glass jars, bozo. Easy Cheese is the stuff that comes in spray cans. Even I know how to tell two disgusting kinds of orange slime apart, though I would never eat either, and would break both shoulders of anyone who offers me any -- I'm gonna go Tony Randall on your collarbone! > just in case your assailant is dressed up as the motorcycle guy from > the Village People. You mean the motorcycle cop? He could sing better than the one identified as the "leather enthusiast", but he didn't have as nice a costume. If you go around pepper-spraying and/or cheez-spraying people wearing cop uniforms, you're going to get beaten up and then thrown into jail, where you'll get beaten up some more. On the other hand, if you assault a leatherman, you're going to get beaten up and then hugged and then beaten up and then hugged until you get so Stockholmed that you'll agree to "eat a banana sideways for Jesus" or whatever the code phrase is this month. > Might be good to MacGuyver up a dual-nozzled device that sprays pepper > and cheez, and also garlic, holy water, kryptonite, and perhaps > supercritical-fluid-extracted chai masala (just in case that's > someone's weakness). Except for the cheez, those are all delicious, especially kryptonite served at the correct temperature (58,000 degrees Kelvin -- never Celsius.) > --J. > Also, girls in thigh-highs. Okay, if Diana Rigg backflips towards me and then partly unzips her shiny black leather catsuit to pull out a big can of pepper spray, you get to organize the betting pool on how many hours our marriage lasts. -- K. If you're trying to come up with a gun that incapacitates and revolts people, why not just get one of those ones where a "BANG!" flag pops out, and replace it with a nude photo of Barbara Bush? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Vaseline in the news Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:25:17 -0400 Just in case nobody else has already mocked today's second most important news story... [from news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Man arrested after hotel room is coated in Vaseline -> -> By Associated Press -> Monday, May 17, 2004 -> -> BINGHAMTON, N.Y. - Talk about a slippery suspect. -> -> A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every -> surface in his room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York. -> -> After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew -> discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery -> stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels -- -> and everything else in the room. Well, once the stuff gets on you, it does tend to get all over the place. Especially once you get it on your feet. -> Police found 14 empty Vaseline containers and numerous pornographic -> magazines in the room's trash can. WHAT SORT OF SICK WERIDO THROWS OUT PORNOGRAPHY? Still, it's good to know that police are going around checking trash cans for porn. -> Damage to the motel room and its contents was estimated at over -> one-thousand dollars. -> -> A sheriff's deputy found the Virginia man a short time later -> at another motel. The deputy said the man was ``smeared from -> head to foot with Vaseline.'' -> -> Chamberlain was sent to jail after being charged with felony -> criminal mischief. -> -> The motel manager says the room still can't be used. Why not? Doesn't Motel 6 have other perverts among its clientele? (I prefer Holiday Inn, myself.) [another angle on the story, from www.newsday.com] => => Man in petroleum jelly jam after failing to slide by police Oh boy! Now we get to read the generic version that doesn't mention Vaseline brand petroleum jelly product by name! => May 17, 2004, 6:58 PM EDT => => release from jail, graf 7. ADDS attempt to reach Chamberlain => unsuccessful, graf 9. REMOVES brf designator. msmjwnbf Beg prdn? => BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) -- Roger Chamberlain may have thought he => managed to slide by police when he switched motels. => => But when he was allegedly found a short while later glimmering => from head to toe in petroleum jelly, authorities believed they => had their man. Glimmering! Glimmering! That's such a beautiful word. I would have just used "glistening". I guess I need more practice thinking about how to describe people coated with generic petroleum jelly. => Chamberlain, 44, of McLean, Va., is accused of coating nearly => every available surface in his room at the Motel 6 near => Binghamton with the unctuous substance. Unctuous! I bet by the end of this article the reporter is going to obsequiously mention his scintillating SAT Verbal score. => Then, after checking out, a cleaning crew discovered the gooey => mess -- one that included mattresses, bedding, a television set, => furniture, carpeting and towels all slathered with petroleum => jelly. If you're not allowed to wipe it on the towels, then where can you wipe it? Hotels usually don't give you enough Kleenex to handle even two jars of Vaseline, let alone fourteen -- or so I've heard. => Damage to the room and its contents was estimated at more than => $1,000, and once police arrived, they found 14 empty petroleum => jelly containers and numerous pornographic magazines in the => trash can, according to WNBF radio in Binghamton. => => A short time later, a sheriff's deputy found Chamberlain in a => room at another motel, his body smeared entirely in the greasy => stuff, authorities said. And, as always, the reporters of the world have let us down by not telling us the most important details: Namely, which magazines the guy liked, and what size Vaseline jars, and what he was wearing (I assume he wasn't naked except for the Vaseline, but if so, they should have said so.) Also, photographs. => Chamberlain was charged May 9 with felony criminal mischief and => ordered held in Broome County Jail. He was released May 11, => Corrections Officer Anthony Rando said. I bet that jail cell is all greasy now, too. => Meanwhile, back at the Motel 6, the manager said Chamberlain's => old room remains unusable. => => An attempt to reach Chamberlain in Virginia was not immediately => successful. If you get through to him, tell him to read the instructions on the back of his Anal Destroyer With ErotiFeel Nubs about how silicone-based lube is good if he has rubber toys, and Vaseline's good if he has silicone toys, and water-based lube will work with either, but he shouldn't put Vaseline on rubber goods or silicone oil on silicone novelties or it will lead to his special little pals slowly dissolving. The water-based gel is the best to use in hotel rooms, because it's easier to clean off the TV screen. Oh, and what channel did he have the TV tuned to? Fun fact: 1010wins.com first reported the story under the headline "Suspected 'Vasoline Terrorist' Targets Motel" but then changed it to "Vaseline Vandal Can't Slip Past Police" because alliteration is funnier than terrorism. Also, someone told them there was no "o" in "Vaseline", despite... oh, never mind, I'm not even going to bother going there. Someone else can make the big "o" joke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 18:19:20 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHAT SORT OF SICK WERIDO THROWS OUT PORNOGRAPHY? > > Iwww, you don't think he'd want to USE it once it was all soaked in > Vaseline, do you? My theories: 1. He has a wife and kids and can't have porn at home so he has to buy it on the way to the hotel and then leave it behind. 2. He just enjoys letting maids find his porn when they empty the trash. > Also, was there really not a single mention of "skin suffocation"? 3. He didn't find any of the porn satisfying because it never once mentioned petroleum-based skin suffocation. -- K. It never does, dammit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:30:01 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> A sheriff's deputy found the Virginia man a short time later > > -> at another motel. The deputy said the man was ``smeared from > > -> head to foot with Vaseline.'' > > -> > > -> Chamberlain was sent to jail after being > > cleaned off? > > > -> charged with felony criminal mischief. > > Oh. You don't _clean_ Vaseline off a perp. You just let the police dogs lick it off. Makes their coats bright and shiny. By the way, I've found out why the guy covered the TV screen with Vaseline. Turns out he was watching "Star Trek" and there was one shot of William Shatner where the director forgot to Vaseline the camera lens, so the slimy guy fixed the most glaring continuity error on "Star Trek" and is now hailed as a hero by people who like their Shatner to look smeary. > > [...] > > > > Glimmering! Glimmering! That's such a beautiful word. I would > > have just used "glistening". I guess I need more practice thinking > > about how to describe people coated with generic petroleum jelly. > > John Kirkpatrick would have used "glistening and glimmering and > glowing with glee", but that's just him. Okay, I'll slather some on the dancing bears so that they'll properly "guh"-alliterate the next time they swoop down on something worthy of their unleashing. > > => Chamberlain was charged May 9 with felony criminal mischief and > > => ordered held in Broome County Jail. He was released May 11, > > => Corrections Officer Anthony Rando said. > > May 9? May 11? You mean they've been sitting on... > > > > OK. Sitting on this story for over a week? While Captain Vaseline > has been loose among us? While the terror level has not even been > raised to reddish-orange? While sales of Vaseline have mysteriously > tripled in certain areas of Virginia, possibly? Sheesh. I'm not sure he's a captain. Maybe a rear admiral. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS GLISTENING AND GLIMMERING AND GLOWING WITH GLOPPY GREAT GLEE AS THEY UNFURL A ROLL OF WAX PAPER, REVEALING A BANNER UPON WHICH THEY'VE WRITTEN IN VASELINE, "THE REASON IT'S SO FUNNY IS BECAUSE 'REAR' IS ANOTHER WORD FOR 'HINDER'!" AND NOW THE FULLY-LUBRICATED DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS HAVE FULFILLED THEIR DAILY DUTY TO BRING LAUGH TRACKS AND/OR MUSIC STINGS TO MEDIA THAT DON'T HAVE THEM, AND THEY'VE ALL GONE BACK TO THEIR CAVE TO HIBERNATE IN ONE BIG GIANT GREASY GOOEY GELLED-UP GLOB. (But don't worry, even if the Dancing Bears Of Obvious are napping, the Dancing Bears Of Duh are still awake, ready to pounce on the next news story to come down the pipe.) > > => An attempt to reach Chamberlain in Virginia was not immediately > > => successful. > > They got through to his friends, but they were laughing too hard to > say where he was. What sort of weirdo would be friends with Rear Admiral Vaseline? Hey, I wonder if we could get him to post to alt.religion.kibology. -- K. He'd certainly be more entertaining than the incredibly boring Ge*rge Hamm*nd and the boring people who follow up to every one of his boring articles to encourage him to be even more boring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vaseline in the news Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 02:06:22 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, someone told them there was no > > "o" in "Vaseline", despite... oh, never mind, I'm not even going > > to bother going there. Someone else can make the big "o" joke. > > Burt Reynolds is Roger Smith? I felt it beneath me to make a reference to a movie I hadn't seen. So instead I was just going to talk about my favorite moment from the cream-pie fight in the rough cut of "Dr. Strangelove", but then I realized that Peter Sellers never said "Vaseline" aloud, just "pure petrrroleum jelly". > Also, you forgot to sign your post, so i don't know who wrote it. Sure you don't, Q*Bert. > you owe me one (1) postscriptum, buddy Don't you "buddy" me, and I don't owe you anything. Be quiet and eat your big bowl of Vaseline. -- . "What sort of pie could go straighter than mince?" -- George C. Scott ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleeping with Kibo Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:33:15 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > As everyone knows, dreams are windows into the Kibonia of the mind. > Most dreams follow perfectly Kibological plotlines, like one minute > you're taking the SAT's naked and the next you're on a roller coaster > sitting next to a penguin who is spanking a supermodel-turned-actress, > usually Denise Richards but sometimes Milla Jovovich, depending on which > science fiction movie you watched before going to bed. > > Then you wake up and the dream fades, and the nightmare of Real Life > begins again. I should point out that I don't enjoy roller coasters. I like to bring that up whenever people express horror at the relatively harmless things I _do_ enjoy, whereas other people seem to willingly subject themselves to small amounts of brain trauma on roller coasters. > So it should be no surprise if Kibo himself makes a guest appearance in > your dreams, but nevertheless I was surprised Sunday morning. I was > cooking some chili for him. It was full of spices so I knew he would > like it. HOWEVER! he never got to eat it because some faceless > six-year-old girl knocked the pot off the stove. I spent the rest of > the dream cleaning up the kitchen floor. > > OK, I guess it was partly my fault because I had the pot handle turned > the wrong way but STILL! what the heck was a six year old girl doing in > my dream? She had no right to be there. Clumsy little rugrat. Kibo > never got his chili. Poor Kibo! It's okay, I made chili at the office today. Opened the can myself. Anyway, I'll keep an eye out for the evil faceless child, though I'm not sure how I'd tell her from all the other ones I see. > And the moral of this story is: NEVER WAKE UP. Someday I'm going to learn to break into people's dreams where I will cook chili which is strong enough that it will keep them from ever waking up. Either that or I'm going to start a school for nudists just so I can give people nightmares about showing up to the final exam with their clothes on. -- K. Yosemite Sam says: Keep those pot handles turned in! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleeping with Kibo Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:36:44 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > I should point out that I don't enjoy [...] small amounts of > > brain trauma on roller coasters. > > I also do not like roller coasters. > > I am not sure of all the reasons why I do not like them. > > One reason I am sure of is because going upside down is not natural. Well, then, you'll never grow up to be Batman unless you overcome your fear of hanging upside-down over a bottomless chasm in order to meditate on how to find criminals wearing fluorescent-colored suits. -- K. You might grow up to be Robin if you forget to cover up those green panties you're wearing, son. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Headless Chicken fun Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 23:45:39 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I had a great time at the Mike the Headless Chicken Days festivities last > weekend. It was as if a small town celebration went all kibological > around a wacky theme. > > The fun started with a 5K "Run like a chicken with it's head cut off" and > a cooking contest (both of which I missed due to a good movie on the > SciFi channel back at the hotel.) DOES! NOT! COMPUTE! GOOD! MOVIE! ON! SCI! FI! CHANNEL! ERROR! ERROR! EXPLODE! > The real fun for me was when they started the eating contests. They were > done in small groups of contestants rather than total pig-out contests. > They were going to have a hard-boiled egg eating contest, but weren't > able to get enough cooked in time, so they had an egg-juggling contest > instead. Did you win, or did you get to say "RAM IT, CLOWN!" when Bozo just gave you a lousy Bozo beach towel? > Then they help the peep eating contests, and that was a hoot! They had > dozens of small packages of 4 peeps each. The contestants had to tear > open the package and stuff them in their cake hole. Most would stuff the > whole package at a time, then proceed to the next, while trying to chew > and swallow them. Those brave souls that were able to get three in were > the funniest, as 12 peeps won't fit even in the largest mouth, so varying > degrees of half-mangled peeps were hanging out of their mouths. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO RAM YOUR SEXUALITY DOWN OUR THROATS! You filthy peeposexual. > When they got to the Chicken wings contest, I couldn't restrain myself, > so I joined in. We had 20 seconds to eat as many wings as we could. I > represented ARKians well, and won my group with 7 wings. I was glad they > didn't have a run off, since I had basically swallowed the chicken > without chewing it and they were making their presence known. If Anthony Hopkins showed up singing "Chew chew chew, it is the thing to do," I don't want to know about any contests involving seven gallons of yogurt. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO SQUIRT YOUR BAD MOVIES UP OUR BUTTS! > After the contests, we participated in the Chicken Bingo, in which they > had a big cage with several numbered papers taped to the bottom. They > had fed several chickens cat food (which has a laxitive effect on the > poor birds) and placed them into the cages. The first number to get > pooped on was the winner (numbers cost 25 cents each, the winner got > $1.00). Are you saying there are foods which _don't_ cause chickens to poop constantly? > Later they had a polka band playing while a huge group of participants > set a world record for the longest Chicken Dance (I believe it was 27 > minutes or something like that). If I ever hear that stupid song again, > I think I will have to do violence to an accordion. What if you hear it on a kazoo, harmonica, or other relatively non-annoying instrument? What if I do it as off-key Tuvan throat singing? What if I retool a "Chicken Dance Elmo" to sing it Tuvan-style while he stands next to that the 2004 edition of the Elmo doll that dances "Y-M-C-A"? I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP TELLING KIDS THE ALPHABET GOES IN THAT ORDER! > As the day went on, it came to my favorite part, the Crusty Family Circus > Spectacular (a side show from Denver). If you ever get a chance, you > need to check them out. They were great entertainers. Fire breathers, > Spikes up the nose, electric chairs, contortionists, Ukalele players, Bed > of Nail layer-oners, etc. Great fun was had by all! There's a bed of nails at Boston's Museum of Science right now. It is a marvel of modern technology. It's pneumatically-activated! You lie on the perforated board and then the nails come up from below to lift you. Unfortunately, it works too well and produces no injuries at all. > They also had some cool jugglers known as the Handsome Little Devils, to > jugglers that were quite entertaining. My favorite part of their act was > when they were bouncing on pogo-sticks that had been modified to shoot > flames, while wearing flaming helmets and juggling burning torches. If Bob Burden and Chris Wink had a child, he would be a Handsome Little Devil. -- K. I WISH YOU PEOPLE WOULD STOP WEARING FLAMING HELMETS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Acupuncture can help with this? Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 01:09:45 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > A few months ago I got a brochure for the local accupuncturist in my > mailbox and just before it went straight in the bin I saw that it claimed > to help with things such as "severe clumsiness" > and also "difficulty swallowing" and an "overactive gag reflex" - now why > would someone need treatment for those two in particular? My boxes of acupuncture needles haven't arrived yet, so ask again next week, you severely clumsy person with difficulty swallowing, an overactive gag reflex, and crippling pee-shyness. -- K. Hey, here's an idea -- the acupuncturists of the world should ignore the silly charts of "points" and "meridians" and "doohickeys" and just put needles all over your entire body to cure all possible diseases at once. That would even work on diseases that haven't been discovered yet, like implosive diarrhea. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 13:15:08 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle was so broken up over the death of Jonathan > Brandis that he shot wildly and hit Tony Randall! Damn you, Talysman! I liked Tony Randall, especially the way he made a great bozo detector in that you could ask people whether he was gay and if they said he was gay then you knew they were really clueless. "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter" is the best thing he was ever in -- that's a movie that needs to be seen widescreen, nobody but the Coen brothers makes ultra-wide comedies any more -- and of course while I was growing up I practically memorized every episode of "The Odd Couple". (My favorite's the one about the avant-garde play involving a penguin and Felix's girlfriend getting naked in a giant bathtub.) One of the great things about Mr. Randall was that he carved out this unique niche where he tended to play square characters who were thrust into racy situations. He always played the tightly-laced neighbor who came unglued when he walked in on your orgy. In real life, he managed to be both debonair and bawdy, and he was always the center of attention. A great role model for those of us who want to grow up to be dirty old men who somehow manage to be cool. So long, Felix. -- K. Talysman, why couldn't you have killed Al Molinaro instead? It's not like it would have been that hard to make him choke on an On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Entree. I recommend the one with the unchewable cardboard meatballs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 15:18:53 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Damn you, Talysman! I liked Tony Randall, especially the way he made > > a great bozo detector in that you could ask people whether he was gay > > and if they said he was gay then you knew they were really clueless. > > well, hey, *I* liked Tony Randall, too. why do you think I mention > him so much? he had a baby when he was SEVENTY. how cool is that? > > (ok, technically, it was his hot young wife who had the baby. all > he did was pop the viagra and scream "I DO NOT LOVE SIDNEY!") I'm ashamed to admit I've seen at least one episode of the truly terrible warm-and-fuzzy-and-gay-vague sitcom "Love, Sidney" all the way through. It was the one where little proto-Punky Brewster was shellacking her dollhouse with spray varnish and Tony Randall warned her to be careful but she accidentally sprayed him in the eyes and he went blind and perhaps permanently, so she felt so guilty about it that at the end of the episode the emotional catharsis was that she sprayed herself in the eyes for about fifteen seconds. Only on a show that bad, guaranteed to have zero audience, can you get away with saying, "Hey kids! You can solve your problems by blinding yourself, and here's how to do it!" > dammit, now I want to go find a copy of "The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao". > actually, I want even more badly to find a copy of "The Circus of > Dr. Lao", but there's room enough in my desire to want both a movie > and a book. So do you think that really was Joel Hodgson's favorite movie, or was he fibbing when he said so on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Also, Tony Randall in drag as Medusa? How the hell did they pitch this movie to studio executives? "It's Medusa, see, but she's even scarier because she's also Felix Unger!" Except I don't think anyone other than Jack Lemmon had been Felix Unger yet. But still, the idea of Tony Randall as Medusa must have only appealed to the most insane movie executives in history, you know, the same ones who greenlighted "The Road To Wellville". > > "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter" is the best thing he was ever in -- > > would you say the worst movie he was ever in was "Hello Down There", > the movie about his swingin' bathysphere pad that I was obliquely > referring to in that seaquest post? Yes, but only under its other title, "Sub-A-Dub-Dub", because that title hints it's going to be about three men in a tub, and I don't want to think about Tony Randall climbing into a giant bathtub with Jack Klugman, Al Molinaro, and a penguin. > I don't remember too much from that movie -- which is always a bad sign -- > although I remember that he moved his family into a bathysphere and then > allowed his teenage daughter's boyfriend (WHOM HE HATED) to move in as > well, and THEN he allowed the boyfriend's rockband to move in, even > though he also hated rock music. as far as I know, that was the entire > plot, but taken together with your comments about how he played squares > in racey situations, you can pretty much reconstruct the entire movie. And someday we may have to, in a courtroom setting. "Now, Talysman, use this storyboard to show us where the bad movie touched you." > what would you say was the worst teevee show he was ever in? I was > about to say his came appearance on "Alice", but I'm not even sure > he was on "Alice". but it's quite possible he was, and I hated all > cameos on "Alice", so mark me down for hating his perhaps mythical > cameo on that show. "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour". The _funniest_ moment during that episode was when he said "Up your nose with a rubber hose." Was he also on "Pink Lady & Jeff"? I assume so, since he was on everything. It's been a year or two since I watched all six episodes of it in one day. (One of the two Japanese gals is cute, but I never can remember which.) > of course, I can already guess which cameo of his *you* hate, but > I would like to say in advance that his cameo was pretty good in > that show; it was just the show in general that sucked. also, I will > refrain from naming the show-in-question right now, so that you can > have an opportunity to rant about it some more. > > I don't know which one you mean. He did so many cameos in so many terrible shows (that was one reason we loved him so much, because he travelled around bringing little moments of wit and class to crappy shows around the world.) I tried looking him up at IMDB.com, but I got a page titled "Kaboom!" that dumped a bunch of internal variables at me from a server named "imdb-online-1108.vdc.amazon.com" (Shock! Horror! IMDB _might_ be affiliated with a company that sells DVDs! The very same company that advertises on every single page on IMDB!) I liked Tony Randall's late period, where whenever he made a cameo he was playing "Big TV Star Tony Randall". "Look, Replacement Jan, it's Big TV Star Tony Randall!" > > Talysman, why couldn't > > you have killed Al Molinaro > > instead? It's not like it > > would have been that hard > > to make him choke on an > > On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size > > Entree. I recommend the > > one with the unchewable > > cardboard meatballs. > > well, see, since my prosopagnosia severly affects my recognition of > celebrities, I don't even know who Al Molinaro is, which makes it much > harder to aim that damned death ray. I could actually recognize Tony > Randall, and even Tony Randall's court reporter, although I think I > still need to hear them speak before I'm certain. You must have a pretty severe case if you can't recognize his nose. Al Molinaro's face was _designed_ for prosopagnosiacs to appreciate. You should be able to recognize him, Jack Palace, Phineas Gage, John Merrick, and other people with odd faces. Al Molinaro was "Al DelVecchio" (one of the four or so owners of Arnold's) on "Happy Days" and "Murray The Cop" on "The Odd Couple", and these days appears in those frozen-food commercials where people always say, "Al, there's too much delicious food in this On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Tub Of Starchy Wads!" and then he follows them home so he can eat their food for them. > anyways, it's things like this that have made me cut my USENET posting > waaaaay back. I am far too powerful. Ah, good, IMDB.com is back on-line, you didn't break it permanently. Let's see, bad things he was in... Oh yes, "My Little Pony: The Movie". I remember him having a lot of fun promoting that on David Letterman's show with a completely straight face. He emphasized that not only did he get to meet the ponies, he sang them a song! And then Dave played the clip several times to torture the audience. I'm not sure if that was the same appearance where Tony told the story about how he was at a classical-music concert and the guy in the seat in front of him kept air-conducting so he leaned forward and broke the guy's collarbone with both hands. It wasn't the same episode where he mud-wrestled. Here's a particularly horrifying section of his listing from IMDB: -> 14. My Little Pony: The Movie (1986) (voice) .... The Moochick -> -> 15. International Championship of Magic (1985) (TV) -> -> 16. Hitler's S.S.: Portrait in Evil (1985) (TV) .... Putzi (the comedian) -> -> 17. Pigs Vs. Freaks (1984) (TV) .... Rambaba Organimus -> ... aka Off Sides (1984) (TV) (USA: theatrical title) -> -> 18. "Love, Sidney" (1981) TV Series .... Sidney Shore -> -> 19. Sidney Shorr: A Girl's Best Friend (1981) (TV) .... Sidney Shorr -> ... aka Sidney Shorr (1981) (TV) -> -> 20. Bob Hope for President (1980) (TV) -> -> 21. Foolin' Around (1980) .... Peddicord -> -> 22. Gong Show Movie, The (1980) .... Performer in Tuxedo And yet we loved him for trying so hard to momentarily improve the quality of all the steaming video turds he appeared in. Him and Roddy McDowell and Vincent Price and other people who spent their lives doing cameos in anything and everything while retaining their dignity. They're sorely missed. Nobody does that now. Nobody! DEAR HOLLYWOOD, I WILL DO IT. PUT ME IN YOUR AWFUL SHOWS IN WALK-ON ROLES AS "FAMOUS TV STAR JAMES 'KIBO' PARRY" AND FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL THANK YOU FOR YOUR NOBLE EFFORTS TO BRING A MOMENT OF QUALITY TO YOUR CRAP. -- K. It really says something that Tony Randall gave the funniest performance in "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex", even though he was in the same sketch as Woody Allen and Burt Reynolds. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 23:57:03 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm ashamed to admit I've seen at least one episode of the truly > > terrible warm-and-fuzzy-and-gay-vague sitcom "Love, Sidney" all > > the way through. > > Jeez, and I watched it regularly when it was on. I distinctly > remember wondering why a show with Tony Randall in it sucked so bad. Okay, now to give you nightmares: Imagine how horrible the show would have been if it had starred Al Molinaro instead of Tony Randall. And not just regular Al Molinaro. Gay vague Al Molinaro. He'd keep telling women in the supermarket, "My alternative family will be over at eight," whenever they have too much Trader Joe's Family Size Creme Brulee. > > the most insane movie executives in history, you know, the same ones > > who greenlighted "The Road To Wellville". > > Hey. I liked that movie. You're trashing everything I believe in! > OK, so Broderick was terrible. The rest of the movie was fabulous. So are you the woman who goes to the porn store to ask them to put more plot in the enema videos, or the woman who asks for less plot in the enema videos? I mean, if you liked that movie, you must be pretty finicky about all the other enema porn movies you see. > > (One of the two Japanese gals is cute > > Cut it out, Kibo. Why? Is there some reason I can't have the hots for women who can't speak English and dress like roller-disco versions of Wonder Woman? > [concerning Tony Randall's body of distinguished work in dreadful things] > > Fucking fabulous! Why don't we have Tony Randall on the official > Kibology pride flag? I'm not kidding, this man's resume leaves William > Shatner in the dust. When I finally get around to designing the Kibology pride flag, you can bet your shiny metal bippy that it's not going to have a picture of any actor's face on it. Flags with faces are creepy. However, maybe the colors of some of the stripes can represent Tony Randall, Erin Moran, Gene Rayburn, and/or Wil Wheaton. The question is, which of the stripes should intersect? And should they penetrate, or just lie across each other? -- K. Also, the flag should have a 298-word motto printed on it in a font that's forbidden to be used for anything other than the flag. I suggest Arial. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 13:49:03 -0400 Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I would just like to say that I've read a lot of Wil Wheaton's blogs > > lately, and I'm growing to really like the kid. I think he'd be a fun > > nurd to hang with if he weren't all like famous and shit. > > It's kind of weird knowing that he owns books I contributed to. What's even weirder is that he's the only one on the whole Internet who doesn't own any of those Shatner novels that I ghostwr-- I mean, those Shatner novels that really suck. In any case, GET OVER YOURSELF! WIL WHEATON IS A PERFECTLY ORDINARY HUGE CELEBRITY WHO MAKES FIVE HUNDRED EIGHTY MILLION DOLLARS A WEEK SELLING PEOPLE HIS AUTOGRAPH, JUST LIKE ME! And you can hang with me any day, baby. If you don't mind livin' on the edge and walking on the wild side, and possibly losing at pinball. I'll even give you a 10% discount if you buy ten autographs, provided you don't mind me writing "NOT FOR RESALE ON eBAY" below them, or that they'd all be on the dust jackets of "Tekwar" novels. -- K. Oh, and lest anyone accidentally be trolled, I'd like to state for the record that I have never ghostwritten for anyone from the original "Star Trek" series, or "Deep Space Nine" or "Voyager" or "Enterprise". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 16:57:03 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning "Love, Sidney"] > > > > Only on a show that bad, guaranteed to have zero audience, can you > > get away with saying, "Hey kids! You can solve your problems by > > blinding yourself, and here's how to do it!" > > Oh, come on, "Oedipus Rex" wasn't THAT bad. It was once they put Punky Brewster in it. The other thing I remember about that show -- in addition to it desperately trying to stir up controversy by being gay while the network loudly insisted the character was not gay (in order to keep both homophobes and gays from watching) -- is that one episode featured Tony Randall appearing _nude_ in front of a live studio audience. It was some episode which revolved around him dropping the towel and mooning the studio audience, but the camera only showed him from the waist up, and the studio audience didn't even bother gasping in horror (allegedly because they were watching the overhead TV screens, but I think they were just asleep.) So imagine a show starring proto-Punky Brewster (when she was even younger and more cloying) and gay-but-not-gay NAKED Tony Randall, and that's the horror that was "Love, Sidney". > > ["The 7 Faces Of Dr. Lao"] > > > > Also, Tony Randall in drag as Medusa? How the hell did they pitch > > this movie to studio executives? "It's Medusa, see, but she's even > > scarier because she's also Felix Unger!" Except I don't think anyone > > other than Jack Lemmon had been Felix Unger yet. > > Jack Lemmon: Played Felix Unger. Dead. > > Tony Randall: Played Felix Unger. Dead. > > Now, who else has played Felix Unger? Who else is in line for the > Death Ray? That's right: Sally Struthers! And more recently, Barbara > Eden! IMMINENT DEATH OF BLONDES PREDICTED. Don't forget Ron Glass, from "The New Odd Couple", a 1982 writer's-strike-and- desperate-attempt-to-put-some-black-folks-on-the-air-where-Whitey-won't-have- to-look-at-them-in-order-to-meet-the-quota-as-long-as-the-network-is-just- producing-filler-from-old-scripts disaster. They made 13 episodes, of which 8 re-filmed scripts from the real show. (I think the other 5 were recycled "Star Trek: Phase II" scripts.) Perennial "Match Game" nitwit Bart Braverman was one of the wacky neighbors. The show's logo was in Churchward 70, a typeface you could tell was twelve years out of date without even looking at the date in its name. I think everyone had a hard time wrapping their brain around Felix being black but still having all of Tony Randall's dialogue. Tony Randall's Felix was possibly the whitest person ever on TV who wasn't Jim Backus. -- K. Unless I become a TV star. Or am I actually _too_ white to be on network TV? My skin is the color of Cool Whip. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tony Randall dies, talysman slinks away... Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 17:01:09 -0400 I just wrote: > > [concerning "Love, Sidney"] > > [...] they put Punky Brewster in it. Correction: I had mis-remembered the show as actually containing little Soleil Moon Frye ("Punky Brewster") and not some other identical, cloying moppet. My apologies to Miss Moon Frye for mistakenly thinking she was in some way involved with a show where Tony Randall got nude but not gay. -- K. Maybe she was on "Hooperman". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 14:43:02 -0400 [from apnews.excite.com] -> -> Student Drinks Chemical on a Dare -> -> May 18, 12:03 PM (ET) -> -> ODESSA, Texas (AP) - A student who drank a chemical from his high -> school lab on a dare was recovering in a hospital, but not before -> a scare. -> -> The student drank the unidentified chemical on a bet at the -> school, said Nancy Smith, a UMC supervisor. Wait, wait, hello Mr. or Mrs. anonymous reporter, "a dare" and "a bet" are two wholly different things. Your sloppy reporting is ruining my enjoyment of this idiot drinking poison. I need to know exactly what pinbrained reason this peahead had if you want me to completely understand the logic of why he did it. Also, if it was a bet, did he drink the stuff to win the bet, or because he lost a bet? And if it was a dare, was it a single or double dare? Remember, kids, double dares are twice as dangerous! I think there was an episode of "Shazam!" about that. -> "We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist," -> Assistant Principal Ray Lascano said. "All of those materials -> belonged to one of the chemistry labs." -> -> The student was found last Wednesday in a school hallway, -> bleeding from the nose and mouth. Wuss. Try growing a full beard and mustache and then putting bleach on all your facial hair for an hour. -> The unidentified student, a junior at Odessa High School, was -> upgraded Monday from critical to satisfactory condition at -> University Medical Center in Lubbock. -> -> Lascano, who talked with the youth's mother Monday afternoon, -> said swelling in his throat had receded enough for him to talk. -> The student was moved from the Lubbock hospital's intensive-care -> unit to the pediatric unit, he said. He wasn't put in a special all-glass observation cell so they could watch for any signs that he might be turning into either Mr.Hyde or The Incredibly Stupid Hulk? -> Lascano said Ector County Independent School District officials -> were still investigating. So let's see. We don't know why he did it. We don't know what chemical he said he drank. We don't know his name. Good job, reporter person. Of course, it's possible they're withholding the kid's name because he's a juvenile and they want to protect him from the ridicule he'd receive once the newspaper revealed his full legal name is I. M. A. Totalfreakinmoronduhduhduh. -- K. I want to visit him in the hospital while wearing my "I EAT GLUE" t-shirt and sipping some blue Kool-Aid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 12:58:34 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I'm constantly amazed that more teenaged boys don't off themselves in > > science class. In high school, I had the misfortune of being at the > > chemistry table next to C.S. Ed and his partner. To call these two 17 > > year old boys "dangerous" would be an insult to the word. "Suicidal" > > is closer, but ultimately the loses out to the phrase "complete fucking > > idiots". How else do you describe guys who mix together random > > chemicals just to make pretty colors? > > Fashion victims. You're welcome. Thank you, Carson Kressley. > > The first day of chem lab, my lab partner Stephanie and I made sure we > > had located: > > > > 1. The fire extinguisher > > 2. The chemical shower > > 3. The door > > 4. All the windows > > 5. Something heavy to break the windows open with > > 6. The nearest thick, reinforced wall Guys look for all of those too, except we see high-contrast video images with ridiculously-ornate red crosshairs superimposed on those things and the word "DESTROY" flashing in one of those fonts that videogames from the 1950s would have used if there had been videogames in the 1950s. > > I consider myself lucky that, during the year, we only had to use half > > of the items on the list. > > Please please please: which half? This isn't going to be that joke about how you and your lab partner shared the fire extinguisher and you were only allowed to use half of it but your half was on the bottom, is it? Because if it is, that joke only works about milkshakes. > > Also, Stephanie's eyebrows eventually grew back. > > Do they meet in the middle? I already thanked you once, Carson! Oh, and speaking of people named Carson, Carson, if you want to see Ed McMahon tortured while gagged, the Disney TV-movie "Safety Patrol" is the movie for you. He even gets shat upon. I think Disney's quality standards have slipped a little since... um... when exactly was Disney making TV-movies that weren't moronic? -- K. That's one of those movies where you can tell that even Leslie Nielsen is tired of knocking stuff over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey kids! You can try this at home! If you're an idiot! Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 15:28:44 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, it's possible they're withholding the kid's name because > > he's a juvenile and they want to protect him from the ridicule he'd > > receive once the newspaper revealed his full legal name is > > I. M. A. Totalfreakinmoronduhduhduh. > > Famous (nearly last) words from classmate in high school: > > "I think this is a telephone line." If those were nearly his last words, I'm wondering what his last words were. How about, "I think this is a telephone line, therefore I'm going to put it in my ear!"? Anyway, we neeeeeeeed to know the rest of your story about the imbecile and the electricity. (Note how I assumed your friend was a "he", because girls aren't smart enough to try to learn about electricity by sticking their fingers into it.) -- K. And yet school nurses seem unprepared despite all students being at constant risk of major stupidity. Anyone have any good school nurse stories? (And no, I don't mean THAT kind of story...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 16:25:57 -0400 [from www.NYTimes.com] -> -> May 17, 2004 -> -> For This Animated Movie, a Cast of Household Names -> By ERIC A. TAUB -> -> SANTA MONICA, Calif. -- Remember "Toy Story," the $191 million -> blockbuster that introduced Pixar Animation Studios in 1995 as a -> major producer of computer-animated movies? Two of the most -> popular offbeat characters were Mr. Potato Head and Slinky Dog, -> both based on long-established products. Yeah, except that Slinky Dog had been off the market for a couple decades before the movie came out. I never saw one before then. Also, the movie featured the good Mr. Potato Head from when I was little, not the lame modern one where you can't even remove the arms. -> Threshold Entertainment, a modestly sized animation and special -> effects company that has never made a full-length animated film -> before, hopes to go "Toy Story" one better -- actually, 78 better -- -> with "Foodfight!," an animated movie that takes place in a -> supermarket after the lights go down. -> -> The company has the right to use animated versions of 80 -> name-brand products and their associated characters, including -> Charlie the Tuna and the Brawny paper towel man. The old Brawny man or the new metrosexual Brawny man who reminds us that new Brawny has a softer side and likes to cry during soap operas? Come to think of it, forget the other 79 products. The movie should just be based on those commercials with the old Brawny guy being made uncomfortable by the new Brawny guy having strange new emotions while they watch TV together. ( http://www.commercialcloset.org/cgi-bin/iowa/portrayals.html?record=1566 ) -> Threshold -- like Pixar, DreamWorks and Disney before it -- is -> trying to spin gold from digital threads in the always-challenging -> animated film business, and it is pinning its hopes on "Foodfight!" -> The movie is not expected to be released until late 2005, at the -> earliest, and the company does not yet have a deal with a distributor. Here's my brilliant idea. A movie that takes place in a video store where, every night, the box art of hundreds of movies you can buy comes to life, like in those old Warner Brothers cartoons about book titles. And all these movies from major studios would tell you how much you loved movies from those major studios. I bet that would find a distributor real fast. I'M RICH!!! My working title is "Blockbuster: The Blockbuster". -> But it does have a clever script, some Hollywood heavyweights, -> high-powered technology and a widely, even globally, known cast. -> In the movie, Charlie, Mr. Clean, the Coca-Cola polar bears and -> other well-known product icons come alive at night after the -> customers have left. Okay, I've softened my position, we can include one other advertising icon. It can be a love triangle between the two Brawny guys and Mr. Clean. But no talking fish. An no talking diapers, period. That's just wrong. -> Joining with characters created by Threshold -- among them Dex Dogtective, FLUNK! -> who runs the Copabanana nightclub in the produce section, FLUSH! -> and Daredevil Dan, a chocolate squirrel -- they try to save the -> store from the evil Brand X. I expect that, due to ethnic sensitivity on the part of the filmmakers, Daredevil Dan is a rappin', jive-talkin' "chocolate" squirrel to make up for the fact that the advertising icons of the world are all Anglo, except for Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima and that Japanese guy who used to play Colonel Sanders. Also... WHAT SORT OF SUPERMARKET SELLS CHOCOLATE RODENTS THAT AREN'T BUNNIES? -> "I'm fascinated by worlds that are wholly different worlds when -> you turn your back," said Larry Kasanoff, Threshold Entertainment's -> chairman. "Like the way this movie seems like a great idea but only when you're not thinking about it!" -> [...] -> -> In March, Threshold's newest entertainment, "Star Trek: The -> Experience -- Borg Invasion 4D," opened at the Las Vegas Hilton. -> The 7 1/2-minute film, enhanced by spray-in-your-face effects and -> gyrating seats, takes participants through the wild ride of a -> space station under attack, while enveloping them from all sides -> in 3-D images. At last scientists have learned that the fourth dimension consists of squirt guns. "Oh no, the Borg are moistening us!" -> [...] -> -> For all its technological sophistication, Threshold has struggled -> to bring "Foodfight!" to the big screen. It was originally -> announced in 2001 and due to be finished 15 to 18 months later. -> The expected completion date is still almost 15 months away. -> -> The delay was a result of an unexpected calamity. As one of the -> film's characters might say, "We wuz robbed!" During the 2002 -> Christmas holiday, the hard drives that held the film's files -> were stolen. -> -> "It was an incredibly complex crime," Mr. Kasanoff said. "They -> got into the cold room, a room within a room within a room." -> Because it was a large-scale theft of intellectual property, the -> Secret Service took part in the investigation. The crime remains -> unsolved, and no material has appeared on the black market, Mr. -> Kasanoff said. -> -> The company was insured for the loss, but except for some -> reference images, it had to start over. Here's a movie idea: A computer-animation company that's never heard of offsite backups. It could be called "Idiots In Charge". And it would be even funnier if they were making something very time-sensitive, such as a movie based on TV commercials from 2002. Do you think the movie will contain one "Macarena" scene, or two? Quite possibly two, because commercials are so behind the times that there's _still_ one on the air with a "Macarena" reference, that Pepto-Bismol ad where the five office workers do the "Macarena"-style dance to represent that they have diarrhea. I am not making this up, there's a diarrhea dance modelled on "Macarena". And my article says "Macarena" six times and "diarrhea" only four. I apologize for not saying "diarrhea" more often than "Macarena". -> [...] -> -> Mr. Kasanoff insists that "Foodfight!" will not be one long -> product commercial. To guard against that charge, the -> product-based characters will play a lesser role than Threshold's -> creations and do not overtly promote the packaged goods they -> represent. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF... oh, wait, I can't do that. I licensed the dancing bears to a toilet-paper company. These product-based characters are busy not overly promoting the packaged goods they represent. -> "If you're 11 years old, and I'm going to make you believe this -> is real, you have to see something that you're familiar with," -> Mr. Kasanoff said. "But the main characters are the ones we've -> created." Good filmmakers try to make you believe their movies are _good_. Bad filmmakers think they can make you believe their movies are _real_. If I want to see reality, I'll go to the alley behind the theater. -> Mr. Kasanoff nonetheless expects the packaged goods manufacturers -> featured in the movie to spend heavily to promote it. Amy Donges, -> a Procter & Gamble marketing specialist supervising that -> company's interest in the film, said that it might cross-promote -> the movie on some product labels but that no specific marketing -> budget has been formulated yet. So how much did they have to pay this New York Times reporter to tell us this film isn't all paid propaganda? Or is the reporter just stupid? We'll know when we see this reporter trying to figure out whether "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" might contain product placements. Oh, and I hear "The Price Is Right" is going to have them starting next season. -> Still, she says she is impressed with what she's seen so far. -> -> "The 'Foodfight!' graphics are absolutely amazing, comparable to -> Pixar's," she said. "It's even more real life." I want to know what planet these people are smoking so I can not go there and not have to run into the real Charlie The Tuna and the real Pringles guy and the real talking diaper that these people are asking for advice on how to make this movie. -- K. I would like to meet the real Michelin Man, though. P.S.: diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 18:07:02 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, the movie featured the good Mr. Potato Head from when I was > > little, not the lame modern one where you can't even remove the arms. > > The Mr. Potato Head from when I was a kid was just a set of little > plastic pieces. You were supposed to supply your own potato, and you > could stick the pieces wherever you wanted. I don't remember when > they started including the plastic potato with pre-drilled holes. > Probably when instant mashed potato flakes replaced instant mashed > potato powder. Yeah, that's the real _original_ Mr. Potato head. One of those toys that contained only about a quarter-ounce of toy and then you had to supply your own rancid food to complete it, leading to horrible rotting smells in your toy box and people starving to death in Asia because you wasted a potato. I never had one of those. I had the _good_ Mr. Potato Head, which was a dark brown hard plastic potato with a bunch of holes, and you could stick eyes and arms and feet in him. But about ten years ago, they changed him to a more orangish-tan color as opposed to the nice rich brown of the original, and they permanently attached his arms (why? I dunno, unless they just wanted to remove 50% of the play value.) They also ruined Fisher Price Little People by replacing them with injection-molded plastic figurines that look like Baby Andy Richter. Still, at least Playmobil is still making toys with a certain edge to them. I have the Playmobil hazmat crew, and the Playmobil devil, but I still need to get that 2001 set (#3014) that had the leatherbiker with the orange beard, and one of the various German riot cops. Then the four of them can act out little "Herman's Head" style psychodramas as the four things I could be when I grow up. Note that I'm the guy in set #3014, not #3831, because I'm not one of those vest-over-muscle-shirt guys. Also I don't own (or want) a motorcycle. But, dammit, #3014 is clearly a toy version of me. #3014: http://www.tagdocs.de/gvg/playmo/chop/tiger.jpg #3831: http://www.honda-geneve.com/Toys/PlayMobile/3831.jpg I don't know why #3014 is wearing a Fred Flintstone shirt under his leather jacket, but it's a good look. -- K. Lego would _never_ have a devil, let alone anyone with studded leather pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I bring you a product placement for "Product Placement: The Movie" Date: Thu, 20 May 2004 13:25:41 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > When I worked at Head Start, one Mr Potato Head had permanently > > attached arms. They always pointed down and were bent at the elbows, a > > little like Spongebob's arms. > > The other Mr Potato Head had permanently attached blue plastic feet, > > but no arms. It's hard for me to understand this pointless tampering with the inherent nature of Mr. Potato Head performed by the diabolical masterminds of the Playskool corporation from year to year. What's next? One leg permanently attached, and one arm? And both located in the center of his forehead? Is Playskool trying to prepare us for the all-too-soon future where we will all be radioactive mutants and no two people will have the same number of arms or legs permanently attached in the same places? I just hope they never change the Mr. Potato Head toys to match the horrible, awful comic strip "drawn" by a sweatshop in India that rubber-stamps Jim Davis's name to it. This would result in Mr. Potato Head being an even more hideous lump of plastic with even less innate funny. You'd look at Mr. Potato Head and say, "Even as single pieces of injection-molded tan plastic, that one's really not funny!" > > One day I was playing Mr Potato Head with the kids, and they would > > knock the poor guy's hat off. One three year old said, "That's mean!" > > and all the kids giggled and took turns knocking off Mr Potato Head's > > fedora. The now-famous Brenda came running over, took my Mr Potato Head > > away from me, and scolded all of us for using the word "mean". > > "NO ONE IS MEAN!!!" she yelled. "NO ONE USES THE WORD 'MEAN' IN THIS > > ROOM!!!" > > That's when the psychotic 3 year old pointed at Brenda and yelled > > "chicken butt!" at her and literally fell on the floor laughing. > > We moved to another table and played with the other Mr Potato Head. That's mean. Maybe the first Mr. Potato head was sad that you stopped playing with him just because you got yelled at for playing with him. > > Thus endeth my Potato Head experience. Amen. > > THAT'S AN ANAGRAM OF THE WORD 'MEAN'!!! NO ONE USES ANAGRAMS OF THE > WORD 'MEAN' IN THIS ROOM!!! That rule only applies if you're a Moor. > UNLIKE SOME ROOMS I COULD NA... er... never mind. NOBODY, BUT NOBODY, USES HALF AN ANAGRAM TO TRY TO KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE! Unless you meant to say "Unlike some rooms I could naturally fit into because their doorways are wide and pear-shaped." That would be okay because it wouldn't insult anyone except fat people, and it's okay to be mean as long as we don't use the word "mean" while doing it. Or you could have said "Unlike some rooms I could napalm," but that same rule would apply about not saying "mean" while burning people alive. -- K. P.S. chicken butt! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News updates, because I cannot rest until you know all! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 01:13:02 -0400 Regarding the idiot teen who drank chemicals on a "dare" or "bet": [www.oaoa.com] -> -> Student 'won' bet to drink a poison -> -> By Bob Campbell -> Odessa American -> -> The condition of an Odessa High School junior who drank a poison -> chemical on "a bet" last Wednesday at the school was upgraded from -> "critical" to "satisfactory" at University Medical Center in Lubbock. However, his "a bet" was downgraded to "an act of such stupidity it made Jar-Jar look like Albert Einstein, only smarter". -> Assistant Principal Ray Lascano said swelling in the youth's -> throat had receded enough for him to talk and that OHS students -> and faculty members are relieved that he appears to be out of -> jeopardy. That's good, because I don't think he'd be able to stand up to Alex Trebek heckling him over answering every question wrong, including during the interview. -> "There was deep concern, but everything seems to be going in a -> positive direction," Lascano said Monday afternoon after talking -> with the youth's mother. "He's speaking and can converse. He's a -> good kid, and he had a strong value-based group that he was -> hanging around with." "strong value-based group"? Would those be the other idiot teens who bet him he could drink the caustic solvent, or is that newspaper code-speak for "alternative-lifestyle family" and/or "Scientology"? -> Lascano said ECISD officials are still investigating the incident -> to determine how and why the youth ingested the chemical. "How"? WITH HIS MOUTH, DIMSHITS! -> The student was found shortly after 3:30 p.m. last Wednesday in an -> OHS hallway, bleeding from the nose and mouth. He was taken to -> Medical Center Hospital and airlifted to Lubbock. -> -> "We're still working on how it happened," he said. WITH HIS MOUTH, TURDLOCK! -> "We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist. All of those -> materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs." Or perhaps he tried the "Taco Patty" at the Waterman Elementary cafeteria. -> He added that the youth transferred to ECISD in January from -> Andrews. Lascano said the student had been moved from the Lubbock -> hospital's intensive-care unit to the pediatric unit. UMC House -> Supervisor Nancy Smith reported the youth's improved condition -> Monday and said he took another student's $2 bet before drinking -> the chemical. THERE is the piece of information I needed! How dumb is this nameless idiot? So dumb he wouldn't permanently dissolve his entire gastrointestinal system for $1, but he would for $2! And now in our other top story today... The man I identified as "Rear Admiral Vaseline", who was arrested for coating an entire hotel room with (approximately) 14 jars of Vaseline, has had his mug shot and arrest report posted by TheSmokingGun.com. Take a look at the ginchy-gooey slimo here: => http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0518041motel1.html It may be the only police report you'll ever see that uses the phrase "slathered with Vaseline" that many times in that few pages. It offers a few details that weren't in the newspapers, such as that he was apparently high on crack, but it still fails to identify which porno magazines he was reading or which channel he had left the Vaseline-coated TV tuned to. What puzzles me is the reference to Chore Boy scouring pads as crack paraphernalia. (They're copper mesh pads, Leonard Nimoy wore one as a headband in the "Star Trek" episode "Spock's Brain".) How do Chore Boy pads help people smoke crack in order to get into the proper mental state to travel around smearing hotel TV sets with Vaseline? I am clueless about drug stuff... -- K. I only understood the pervert parts of the article, not the drug parts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Introducing: The German Toilet Ghost Dominatrix! Date: Wed, 19 May 2004 03:43:53 -0400 I'm not sure how to say "German Toilet Ghost Dominatrix" auf Deutsch, but I bet that the Germans have a single word for this concept because it seems like the sort of thing they'd be talking about all the time. [from www.reuters.co.uk] -> -> Talking toilet orders German men to sit down -> Tue 18 May, 2004 16:53 -> -> BERLIN (Reuters) -- A German inventor who developed a gadget that -> berates men if they try to use the toilet standing up has sold -> more than 1.6 million devices, his business manager says. -> -> German women fed up with a man with a poor aim can turn to the -> ghost-shaped gadget, which lurks under the toilet rim and, if the -> seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone: -> -> "Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right -> away, you are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make -> a right mess..." But... why is the dominatrix a ghost? Are German men even more afraid of ghosts than they are of German women? -> Alex Benkhardt, 46, invented the "WC Ghost" and its creators are -> in negotiations to market it in Britain, Canada and Italy. It is not needed in the United States, because American men already now urinate with German precision thanks to the tal