From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Answer to yesterday's puzzle. Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:27:30 -0400 The answer to yesterday's puzzle is: The Hamburger Helper is the most rancid. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new orleans Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:32:54 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They should sell those dried scrabled eggs > ^^^^^^^^ > Man, I *so* want to play Scrabble with you. IN YOUR DREAMS! ... AND MINE! By the way, speaking of bad food we all love, today I ate at Taco Bell, and I'm going to stop. Used to be when you asked for tacos "without cheese", you got tacos without cheese. Now, they have this new policy that you can ask for your tacos "fresco", which means that instead of cheese they put on dairy-flavored Elmer's glue and pink tomato cubes. So if you ask for "without cheese", they assume you mean "fresco" and put extra gunk on just because you asked for fewer toppings. Also, I think there might a layer of "fresco" at the bottom of the Obvious Bag where it is indistinguishable from wet plaster mixed with finger paint. Also while I was at the mall I bought two pairs of sunglasses. My first sunglasses! Now, instead of just looking cool, I look WAY TOO COOL! I'm expecting the President to personally pass a Constitutional amendment to make it illegal to be this cool because I look too cool for anyone to have to look at. -- K. And just to make the Scrabble game closer to fair, I'll wear my sunglasses while I play. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:01:53 -0400 [from The Boston Globe, via www.boston.com] -> -> MBTA set to begin passenger ID stops -> Effort part of national rail security program -> By Mac Daniel, Globe Staff | May 22, 2004 Incidentally, in Boston, newspapers always call the subway system "the MBTA", while everyone else calls it "the (T)", because all the signs say "(T)". I think they added the "M", the "B", and the "A" because they forgot to call dibs on "www.t.com". -> MBTA transit police confirmed yesterday they will begin stopping -> passengers for identification checks at various T locations, -> apparently as part of new national rail security measures following -> the deadly terrorist train bombings in Spain. Okay, I'm all in favor of cracking down on those evil terrorists. -> Although officials would release few details about the initiative, -> the identity checks will mark the first time local rail and subway -> passengers will be asked to produce identification and be -> questioned about their activities. Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. -> Officers have been training for the security checks since May 11, -> transit officials said. MBTA Police Deputy Chief John Martino -> confirmed via e-mail yesterday that officers have been training -> with State Police at South Station this week. Mental note: Avoid South Station until I stop looking, acting, and dressing like a perfectly innocent suspicious character. By the way, at the moment, I have bleach-blond hair, and an orange beard that matches my new orange-coated mirrorshades. I'm currently trying to decide whether I should dye my hair black and shave the beard back to a goatee (for a traditional leatherman look) or do the bright-orange thing again. The orange mirrorshades would work nice and evil with either color hair. -> T spokesman Joe Pesaturo said the State Police involved in the -> training were from Troop F at Logan International Airport, where -> such identification checks have been taking place since about a -> year after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Short shameful confession: I have never seen an episode of "F Troop", though when I was a kid for some reason I owned a "Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids" comic book where the cover illustration was them camping out on a tenement rooftop in a tent that had "F Troop" written on it. I didn't find it funny then and I don't find it funny now and I suspect that if I were to try to watch "F Troop" it would somehow manage to make the comic book even less funny. (I remember nothing about the contents of the comic book, just the insipid cover referencing an old TV show about camping.) -> Pesaturo wouldn't say where or when the identification stops would -> take place, or how long they would last. Well, guys, if I suddenly disappear for six to ten years, now we'll know how long they're sending suspicious cool dudes to (T) jail. -> "The training is part of the MBTA's overall plan for enhancing -> safety and security for the hundreds of thousands of people who use -> our system every day," Pesaturo wrote in the e-mail. "Law -> enforcement personnel are being trained to detect whether a -> person's or persons' actions are an indication of any level of risk -> or threat to the transit system . . . and to then take appropriate -> steps based on the observed behavior. Uh oh. If they ever catch me photographing another interestingly-mangled orange cone, I'm going to get beaten to death with my own camera in order to preserve the integrity of the transit system and its carefully-arranged battered orange cones lurking in the shadows of the subway system. -> "If the MBTA did not do everything it can to protect transit users, -> it would be a dereliction of our duties and responsibilities as -> public servants," he added. How about detaining _all_ the people who attempt to ride the (T) and then deporting them so that nobody can ride the (T) and therefore nobody will ever get hurt on the (T)? -> Ann Davis, Northeast regional spokeswoman for the federal -> Transportation Security Administration, refused to confirm that -> T's ID checks are part of a new national rail security program -> announced Thursday by federal officials. Those new security -> initiatives are scheduled to start tomorrow, in response to -> terrorist train bombings in Madrid that killed 191 and injured -> 2,000. And I bet they're scheduled to end about ten minutes after the Democratic party's convention here does. -> "We don't want to map out for potential terrorists how we intend to -> protect the rails," she said. "Therefore, we're intentionally obfuscating the (T) map. The subway system has been changed from a big 'X' to a schwa interlocked with a Lissajous figure in the most confusingly erotic manner possible." -> Concerns about threats to the nation's rail system have risen since -> ABC News reported a pattern of suspicious activities along the rail -> corridor between Washington, D.C., and New York. The report said -> New Jersey's attorney general is investigating at least seven -> instances in the last week of suspected surveillance along the New -> Jersey Transit commuter lines leading into Philadelphia, Trenton, -> and New York. -> -> FBI agents in Philadelphia are also investigating the discovery of -> an infrared sensor concealed along the track bed of a Southeast -> Pennsylvania Transportation Authority rail line. -> -> The State Police officers based at Logan who are instructing T -> police have been trained in "behavior pattern recognition" in order -> to identify potential terrorists. This would presumably be the same officers at Logan airport who asked me what I was doing because the sign gave the patent registration number for the "Musical Floor Reminder System" and I was writing it down to tell you people, except that if I did it now I'd probably get the electric chair... the electric chair that plays two bars of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over. -> According to past interviews with Logan's primary security -> consultant, Rafi Ron, former head of security at Ben-Gurion Airport -> in Israel, such a program helps avoid accusations of racial -> profiling and is based on the behavior of those stopped. -> Logan was the first American airport at which the method was used. I see, so people aren't getting stopped because of their skin color or their ethnic background but only because they're _acting_ foreign. I CURSE MY EXOTIC WELSH PATRILINEAGE!!! -> Martino said "we do not racially profile and do not consider that -> someone is suspicious because they appear to be Middle Eastern or -> that they are not suspicious if they don't appear to be." Bring on The Dancing Bears Of... Oh, I just don't care any more. Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps on the steps of the State House I would have run up to him and given him a big hug just to make him cry, but this week I can barely muster the energy to either find out what happens if I ride the subway without a passport or bring out The Dancing Bears Of Whatever. -> The expansion of identity checks to rail and subway passengers has -> raised concerns among civil rights advocates about what is gained -> through such stops and whether they are truly random. "This is a truly random stop! We're going to cover you with squid guts and nail you to a zeppelinm underwater! And if that's not random enough, we're going to make you eat a Bart Simpson doll except for his shorts!" -> Last October, State Police at Logan stopped Lylburn King Downing, -> the national coordinator of the American Civil Liberties Union's -> Campaign Against Racial Profiling -- and an African-American -- -> who was ordered out of the airport after he refused to answer an -> officer's questions during an identification check. The trouble I always have with the haphazard security assholes at places like airports, border crossings, (and soon subways) is that I answer truthfully and then they tell me that wasn't good enough and I must be lying, so I answer truthfully and they yell at me that I'm lying, and we go around like this for several minutes until they decide to check my laptop computer for any evidence that Etienne Rouette is my girlfriend. -> The American Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts has since -> sought more information about the policies of Massachusetts Port -> Authority and State Police governing such searches, but ACLU -> officials say they have had little cooperation from either agency. Let's see if I can make the ACLU interact with the MBTA one letter at a time: ACLU ACLUE A_CLUE CLUE GLUE MDMA MBTA Nope, didn't work, I couldn't figure out a way to get from MDMA to MBTA without cheating. I wish this were easier, like changing MBTA to BATMAN. I should do that because the MBTA would be less ridiculous if they were BATMAN. -> "About a year ago they admitted they were using training based on -> an Israeli security model of behavioral profiling or selection -> which they declined to either explain or to otherwise amplify what -> it means," said John Reinstein, legal director for the ACLU of -> Massachusetts. "We asked for the records and they said that's no -> longer a public record because anything that has to do with -> security is no longer a public record." Linus's blue blankie shall hereby be erased from all "Peanuts" strips. -> (c) Copyright 2004 Globe Newspaper Company. And it still is, even though I just plagiarized it. So we're both happy. -- K. When they do random suspicious-person-interrogations on the subway, are they going to search my briefcase for illegal sex toys and/or half- finished alt.religion.kibology where I deny owning any 18" illegal sex toys? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 01:29:07 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to > > satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially > > the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. > > Tell them the truth. Name names, and make sure the names are > politically affiliated. Will you still love me if I have Etienne Rouette arrested by whatever the Quebecois equivalent of police is? > > Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into > > The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps > > Gah. Will someone please tell him to stop existing already? I was hoping that might spontaneously happen if I wrapped my arms around him and whispered something like "Mmm, you hug even better than my boyfriends." (Okay, so there would have been a few little white lies in that sentence. But it would be worth it just to hear the "GAAAAAAAACK" noise that would come out of him.) -- K. Hugs bugs dead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:54:23 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Why is it all the crazy seems to start in Boston? To make up for the fact that all the _good_ stuff has started in this area too, ranging from democracy and the American Revolution all the way up to full legal equality for your gay and lesbian friends. Everything good about the American way of life was invented either in Boston or Philadelphia. (And Philadelphia smells funny so on the whole, I'd rather be in Boston.) This city (and state) is absolutely insane, but sometimes that's good. There's a reason I live here and not in, say, Los Angeles or Las Vegas. Those are cities which are crazy in a way which would drive me crazy. A lot of Boston's crazy comes from a bloated sense of self-importance (it's really not that big a city -- it's a city of great historical significance because of stuff that happened here over 200 years ago, but it hasn't realized that it's no longer such hot stuff) and from the way the real wackos here somehow manage to get elected to high offices (we currently have a Republican Mormon governor! How the hell did that happen in Massachusetts?) I do keep fantasizing about living in Ottawa or Edmonton or one of those other Canadian cities where the prevailing attitude of the other people is "We don't care what the hell you do, we're going to keep being nice to you because we like interesting people, now have some cheap pork products, and don't bother learning French." I find that friendly, relaxed, accepting attitude of most of Canada (outside Toronto, which is more like an American city) quite pleasant, and the prices are cheap, and the crime's low, and hockey is plentiful, but I don't have any real reason to want to leave the United States. Because of that screwy new policy of the police randomly doing identity checks on the subway, last night I had to make the decision "Do I knuckle under and start carrying an ID card all the time, or do I make more trouble for myself just for the privilege of saying 'I don't carry an ID, I don't own an ID, I don't need an ID, I don't want an ID, so fuck you!'?" Seriously, if I get stopped and asked for an ID, I will say something like that, and they will try hard to make me squirm, maybe make me sit in front of a guy who interrogates me across a desk for an hour, and I won't give in, because I know that absolutely nothing will come of it. If they're going to try to play power games with people over something as inconsequential as a laminated plastic card, they're going to find out that no matter how trivial the MacGuffin in question is, some of us won't bow to uniformed bullies. (I'm sure they expect some troublemakers and protesters and habitual contrarians like me, but I also figure the police expect to get their way by yelling at people and threatening them, but I know they can't make me change my pattern of behavior by just yelling at me. Worst they can do is boot me off the train and then I'll have to ride the next one seven minutes later.) And eventually, it'll all boil down to nothing happening to me, the policy will be dropped at election time, and everyone will forget any of this craziness ever happened. I'm going to ride this out and wait for them to shift to a different type of crazy. -- K. The big question is, should I demand a refund of my $1.25 token if I get kicked off the subway for not having a driver's license? And should I point out to them that there are an awful lot of people driving around without driver's licenses and maybe they should work on that before they require a driver's license to ride the subway? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie for Kibo Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:06:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Old Boy, dir. Chan Wook Park, South Korea, 2003 > > A man is locked in a room with only a television for 15 years. Once he is > released his goal in life is to find the person who put him in that > position and kill him in the slowest and most painful way possible. a) Why would he be mad about that? b) No toilet? c) Why did they lock him in? d) Why did they let him out? e) Was he allowed to change the channel? f) Did he have a remote so he could do it from across the room? g) Couldn't he unplug the TV? h) Why is it that every time I pop a zit I suddenly feel thirsty? Okay, the last one's really more of an acupressure question, but I figure there must be somebody here who knows a lot about acupressure even if they haven't seen the movie about Peter Sellers being locked in a room with a TV. -- K. And it showed nothing but Ben Stiller on trial for killing his twin brother. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:24:46 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > How many times have you heard about an authority figure, such as > a school principal, doing something terribly illegal/immoral or so on? > You get pissed off at the guy and hope he gets punished...but you never > quite hear that he does. Okay, I volunteer to fix this. I'll pack some paddles and clamps. > Maybe if you're lucky, you see a followup blurb buried on page 17 of > D section. > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > find out. Oh. I thought you were talking about something fun, not reading. Curse you for taking all the joy out of the American educational system. -- K. So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that just says "Use Google"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:03:04 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] if my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, > > search for 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out > > what happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > > plastic toy guns to school. > > Lots, if you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to have the police > show up at your school because of reports from hysterical parents that > they saw a kid with a gun going into the school you wouldn't consider > this one of those idiotic situations you want a follow up on. This is > especially fun when the parent can only describe the kid vaguely, so > you have to shake down at least a quarter of the student body to find > out if there really is a danger of someone getting shot. Yeah. All the guns in school are supposed to be kept locked up in that big weapons cabinet in the Teacher's Lounge, right next to the liquor cabinet and the massage table. > If you want to know what happens when the assistant principal > confiscates those new shock pens that the ice cream men are selling > these days from a student, I can save you a google search. Every > staff member who passes through the AP's office is asked to sign or > take notes on something fishy sounding and then handed a pen from the > AP's desk when caught without one of his or her own. I discovered those at the mall a couple weeks ago. As someone who is quite familiar with what electric shocks of various kinds feel like, my reaction was "This is one of the worst practical joke items ever," partly because the shocks were pretty damn big for something to be sold to children (as in, if held right, the pen was pretty painful to me -- now imagine a little kid reacting to this, probably would wind up crying and traumatized) and in any case so many people are absolutely terrified of the idea of receiving even a "joke" electrical shock that this is one novelty item that's guaranteed to make many of your friends refuse to ever have anything to do with you again. I had safety concerns, too, both of the "What if someone presses this to their chest?" variety as well as the "How will the paramedics get it out of the brat's throat after he tries using it on the wrong person?" variety. Incidentally, the palm of the hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body (but obviously not _the_ most sensitive) to electrical shocks. When testing out a toy like that, try it on your forearm or thigh if you want it to hurt less (or use the sole of your foot if you're expecting a really big shock.) Oh, and for things that make big sparks (not the pen, but things that put out ozone) remember that they actually hurt _less_ on bare skin than through clothes (clothes enforce a spark gap.) And never, ever create a hand-to-hand electrical pathway (or send current through the chest, neck, or head, except under certain very special circumstances) -- I would worry about handing something like that "joke" pen to someone and merely _assuming_ they wouldn't for some reason press the button while holding it with both hands and then dying in an only marginally hilarious way. It's a practical joke that's only as unsafe as an exploding cigar. > Now if you really had an interesting bone in your body, you would be > more likely to be asking about the school administrator who was > personally checking to make sure the "no thong underwear" rule was > being followed by all girls at a certain school. Why would girls be wearing it? You can only buy "no thong" underwear from the International Male catalog. Girls wouldn't be able to keep the front (and only) half in place because there would be nothing to put the rubber band around. -- K. Remember how they used to electrocute the studio audience's asses on "Let's Make A Deal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:43 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] if my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, > > search for 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out > > what happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > > plastic toy guns to school. > > Lots, if you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to have the police > show up at your school because of reports from hysterical parents that > they saw a kid with a gun going into the school you wouldn't consider > this one of those idiotic situations you want a follow up on. This is > especially fun when the parent can only describe the kid vaguely, so > you have to shake down at least a quarter of the student body to find > out if there really is a danger of someone getting shot. Yeah. All the guns in school are supposed to be kept locked up in that big weapons cabinet in the Teacher's Lounge, right next to the liquor cabinet and the massage table. > If you want to know what happens when the assistant principal > confiscates those new shock pens that the ice cream men are selling > these days from a student, I can save you a google search. Every > staff member who passes through the AP's office is asked to sign or > take notes on something fishy sounding and then handed a pen from the > AP's desk when caught without one of his or her own. I discovered those at the mall a couple weeks ago. As someone who is quite familiar with what electric shocks of various kinds feel like, my reaction was "This is one of the worst practical joke items ever," partly because the shocks were pretty damn big for something to be sold to children (as in, if held right, the pen was pretty painful to me -- now imagine a little kid reacting to this, probably would wind up crying and traumatized) and in any case so many people are absolutely terrified of the idea of receiving even a "joke" electrical shock that this is one novelty item that's guaranteed to make many of your friends refuse to ever have anything to do with you again. I had safety concerns, too, both of the "What if someone presses this to their chest?" variety as well as the "How will the paramedics get it out of the brat's throat after he tries using it on the wrong person?" variety. Incidentally, the palm of the hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body (but obviously not _the_ most sensitive) to electrical shocks. When testing out a toy like that, try it on your forearm or thigh if you want it to hurt less (or use the sole of your foot if you're expecting a really big shock.) Oh, and for things that make big sparks (not the pen, but things that put out ozone) remember that they actually hurt _less_ on bare skin than through clothes (clothes enforce a spark gap.) And never, ever create a hand-to-hand electrical pathway (or send current through the chest, neck, or head, except under certain very special circumstances) -- I would worry about handing something like that "joke" pen to someone and merely _assuming_ they wouldn't for some reason press the button while holding it with both hands and then dying in an only marginally hilarious way. It's a practical joke that's only as unsafe as an exploding cigar. > Now if you really had an interesting bone in your body, you would be > more likely to be asking about the school administrator who was > personally checking to make sure the "no thong underwear" rule was > being followed by all girls at a certain school. Why would girls be wearing it? You can only buy "no thong" underwear from the International Male catalog. Girls wouldn't be able to keep the front (and only) half in place because there would be nothing to put the rubber band around. -- K. Remember how they used to electrocute the studio audience's asses on "Let's Make A Deal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:23:55 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > > > find out. > > > > So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that > > just says "Use Google"? > > No. I was saying that you -could- waste time using google. But if > my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, search for > 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out what > happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > plastic toy guns to school. And it would be covered with ads for Soylent Green, right? -- K. It would be like that site that has all the photos of the cosmonauts who got mysteriously changed into blurry gaps between other people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:42 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Here's what I got out of it. There's something called a shock pen, > > which, I'm guessing, gives the user a mild shock. The assistant > > principal confiscates them and then tricks staff members into using them. > > I really hope that is not the case. Such things are illegal among adults. You must be a lot of fun at the Museum of Science. "Stop touching that Van de Graaf generator! It's illegal to make hair stand up!" > Plus, it's disturbing that an assistant principal of a high school can > be so depraved Are you saying I can never be an assistant principal? If so, that's discrimination, and I'm going to have the ACLU get medieval on your ass. With a really big shock pen. -- K. I bet you're not even praved, let alone depraved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 01:44:15 -0400 News flash! "Christians" are hoping to set up a gay-free state! Direct from the front page of www.ChristianExodus.com: -> -> ChristianExodus.org has been established to coordinate the move of -> 50,000 or more Christians to a single conservative state in the -> U.S. for the express purpose of reestablishing constitutional -> governance. It is evident that our Constitution has been abandoned -> under our current federal system. The efforts of Christian -> activism have proven futile over the past five decades and, whereas -> desperate times require desperate measures, we are now in the most -> desperate of times. The federal government is considering whether -> marriage, the foundation of civilization since Creation, should be -> reserved solely to a man and a woman. Christians must now draw a -> line in the sand and unite in a sovereign state to dissolve our -> bond with the current union comprised as the United States of America. Maybe you guys should try Hawaii. You could separate it from the rest of the USA by just cutting some undersea phone cables. -> [...] -> -> ChristianExodus.org is orchestrating the move of 50,000 or more -> Christians to one of three States for the express purpose of -> dissolving that State's bond with the union. The three States -> under consideration are Alabama, Mississippi and South Carolina. -> The exact destination will be chosen by vote of our membership. -> Our move will commence when the federal government forces sodomite -> marriages on our local communities or once we reach the -> 50,000-member mark, whichever comes first. Um, geniuses, there are already at least 50,000 Christians in _every_ state. Also, I think there are probably 50,000 gay Christians in every state. -> Stand Up and Be Counted -> -> It is time Christians take effective action. We must fulfill our -> responsibility to stand for God's laws in the face of evil. -> Christians around the globe are persecuted in unimaginable ways for -> their faith; will we not at the least move to a new home where we -> can protect children from homosexual predators and the -> abortionist's knife? And don't forget abortionists' coat hangers. Hey, that would be another good motto for your new state: "NO WIRE HANGERS, EVERRRRRR!" -> Is moving too great a sacrifice for the ministry of God? -> -> If you are tired of government-endorsed sin, then stand up and be -> counted! For more information on this effective strategy or to -> join, click here. Okay, I did... Here's what I was told to think at Commitment Level Two: -> I hereby declare my solemn intent to move to the sovereign State -> chosen by our membership if homosexual marriage is legalized in my -> state.Ê Once there, I will vote in lock step with my Christian -> compatriots to dissolve our StateÕs association with theUnited States -> of America.Ê I will also give my fullest effort to the reestablishment -> of government founded upon Christian principles that protect life, -> liberty and property.Ê -> -> Sign up now! Sure. Clicking... -> Bad Referrer -- Access Denied -> The form attempting to use FormMail resides at -> http://www.christianexodus.com/signup.html, which is not allowed to -> access this cgi script. -> -> If you are attempting to configure FormMail to run with this form, -> you need to add the following to @referers, explained in detail in -> the README file. -> -> Add 'www.christianexodus.com' to your @referers array. Bad webmaster. No straight state for you! You won't get to move to New Straight Mississippi while the gays turn your home state into your homo state. Will you wind up living in Homorabia? Gaylandia? Fagotopia? Greater San Francisco (Formerly Known As California)? Analabama? Carsonkressleylaska? -- K. Pink Dakota? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:46 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:57:29 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:01:34 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself > > Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because > > last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in > > my own head holes. > > Yay! I learned how to do that because my car stereo > broke and I never bothered to fix it, or for some > similarly stupid reason, some time after Genghis Blues > came out. It really annoys this one English post-doc in > my lab, and I think perhaps his village had been razed by > Mongols. Or Tibetan Buddhists, maybe. Does it also make you feel like you concussed yourself on a car door? Also, does this ability have anything to do with being tantric? Anyway, I should take after you and use my 30-50 Hz resonance to annoy people. Especially people who either (a) inform me that "Hey, your beard matches your sunglasses!" or (b) ask, "How did you get your hair to be that color?" I've had (a) four times in the two days since I got the orange sunglasses (AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DIDN'T PICK THEM OUT WITH MY EYES CLOSED AND MATCH THEM TO MY FACIAL HAIR BY ACCIDENT) and I was actually asked (b) today, so I graciously explained the concept of dye. Then the person (who I think thought I just stepped off a cruise ship from San Francisco or something) helpfully told me that there were "bad people in Boston who judge you by your clothes and not what's in your heart," and I did an indicating-my-entire-body gesture with my lead-lined gloves and said in my most serious voice, "I am AWARE I am projecting a certain image," as I stood there in the biker boots and the biker jeans and the biker jacket and et cetera. I got a few other nice compliments on this week's look (with the sunglasses matched to the facial hair) today. The bus driver liked it, the Trader Joe's cashier liked it (when I told him I changed the hair color on a weekly basis, he said "You should consider yourself a performance artist," and I brought back that voice to say "OH, I DO." Then someone who complimented me on my leathers asked me if I rode a motorcycle, and I said, "No, I don't have one of these," (miming twisting handlebar grips) "I have one of these," (miming a whip) and then he asked me if I were an equestrian. What do I have to do to actually be "out", pass out pamphlets? I plan to keep the blond hair (with orange in the middle of the beard) for several more days, then I'm considering black dye in the hair and light orange in the beard. I'd like to find some blood-red mirrorshades because I think I'd look great in all black with red lenses, but it's hard to find mirrorshades in any colors other than silver, blackish, and blue. I was lucky to find the really nice orange pair I have (I'm pretty fussy about lens shape. Because my face is tall and blocky I need lenses with corners, not rounded lenses, and because my uncorrected focal distance is so short I like big lenses -- small ones look too dainty anyway -- so I always have a hell of a time finding big rectangular lenses, let alone finding them with a mirror finish in a particular color.) It's really weird how eyewear trumps everything else about your look. And then hair color trumps everything but eyewear. That's when two men meet -- when a man meets a woman, one of them looks at boobs and the other looks at shoes. -- K. And why the hell do sunglasses never fit into eyeglass cases? I have a really nice all-metal case that even my big-blocky-lens minus-ten-diopter seeing glasses can fit inside, but all sunglasses have curved frames that make them not fit. And I don't want to just put the sunglasses in my pocket because I don't want scratches on the nice orange coating on the lenses. Argh! LOOKING GOOD IS ANNOYING TO ME EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD GETS TO ENJOY MY RADIANT HANDSOMENESS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:46:58 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you > > having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) > > Or so KIBO would have you believe. To Kibo, being doused with > pepper spray is about as much of a deterrent as harsh language > or a threatening, manly moustache. Mustaches aren't threatening! Unless they're on women serving Tater Tots in high school. Or worse, women serving Tater Tots in the Department Of Motor Vehicles. And hell yes, I'm serious, pepper spray would incapacitate me and anyone else who has eyeballs connected to their nervous system. Try it if you don't believe me. (I mean try it on _yourself_, you perv.) Seriously, people may be more afraid of stun guns, but pepper spray's more likely to work. > So if you're concerned about personal safety, carry pepper spray > AND a can of Cheez-Whiz, Cheez Whiz comes in glass jars, bozo. Easy Cheese is the stuff that comes in spray cans. Even I know how to tell two disgusting kinds of orange slime apart, though I would never eat either, and would break both shoulders of anyone who offers me any -- I'm gonna go Tony Randall on your collarbone! > just in case your assailant is dressed up as the motorcycle guy from > the Village People. You mean the motorcycle cop? He could sing better than the one identified as the "leather enthusiast", but he didn't have as nice a costume. If you go around pepper-spraying and/or cheez-spraying people wearing cop uniforms, you're going to get beaten up and then thrown into jail, where you'll get beaten up some more. On the other hand, if you assault a leatherman, you're going to get beaten up and then hugged and then beaten up and then hugged until you get so Stockholmed that you'll agree to "eat a banana sideways for Jesus" or whatever the code phrase is this month. > Might be good to MacGuyver up a dual-nozzled device that sprays pepper > and cheez, and also garlic, holy water, kryptonite, and perhaps > supercritical-fluid-extracted chai masala (just in case that's > someone's weakness). Except for the cheez, those are all delicious, especially kryptonite served at the correct temperature (58,000 degrees Kelvin -- never Celsius.) > --J. > Also, girls in thigh-highs. Okay, if Diana Rigg backflips towards me and then partly unzips her shiny black leather catsuit to pull out a big can of pepper spray, you get to organize the betting pool on how many hours our marriage lasts. -- K. If you're trying to come up with a gun that incapacitates and revolts people, why not just get one of those ones where a "BANG!" flag pops out, and replace it with a nude photo of Barbara Bush? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently "Department Of The Interior" means they glow sticks up your ass Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 03:30:16 -0400 News of world events, via www.BaltimoreSun.com: -> -> Some U.S. prison contractors may avoid charges -> -> Interior Department hired Abu Ghraib interrogators; Loophole tangles -> prosecution; Army chain of command blurred in civilian abuses -> -> By Scott Shane -> Sun National Staff -> May 24, 2004 -> -> The U.S. civilian interrogators questioning prisoners at Abu Ghraib -> prison in Iraq work not under a military contract but on one from -> the Department of the Interior, a bureaucratic twist that could -> complicate any effort to hold them criminally responsible for abuse -> of detainees or other offenses. -> -> The unexpected role of the Department of the Interior, usually associated -> not with wartime intelligence-gathering but with national parks, Oh no! The brutality! I bet they're torturing Iraqi civilians just like they do American civilians, by closing the restrooms at the highway rest stops nine months a year! -> grew out of a government plan to cut costs. But in practice, it may -> have increased costs and reduced scrutiny, said Peter W. Singer -> of the Brookings Institution. -> -> "You're placing a military interrogation task under Smokey the -> Bear," Singer said. "You can't have good oversight." "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear". Quick, someone revive Tom Of Finland so he can draw that comic book. If that can't be done, just get Gahan Wilson. -> [...] -> -> But in the case of the contract interrogators at Abu Ghraib, the -> chain of command is especially blurry, because it ends with an -> obscure Department of the Interior office 70 miles southeast of -> Tucson, Ariz. I suspect some of those Iraqi prisoners have been beaten with the "chain of command". -> The interrogators work for CACI International, a global government -> contractor based in Arlington, Va., with more than $1 billion a -> year in revenue. "global government contractor"? Uh oh. By tomorrow, there will be no evidence that the Baltimore Sun -- or even Baltimore itself -- ever existed, since the newspaper leaked the existence of The Global Government. Global government only works if it's completely secret! -> And CACI's contract is with the Interior Department's National -> Business Center, which for the past four years has run the -> contracting office at Fort Huachuca in Sierra Vista, Ariz., -> said Interior Department spokesman Frank Quimby. ...while wearing a big sash that says "SPOKESMAN" and talking in a funny Kennedy caricature accent and opening any new supermarket Krusty was too busy to visit. -> Quimby said the arrangement was a result of federal efforts in the -> 1990s to "streamline and reduce duplication," by having agencies -> with particular skill at administrative functions such as payroll -> or contracting handle those jobs for other agencies. Oh, yeah, when you're systematically torturing people and beating them to death, you don't want to have to stop to think about getting your payroll straightened out. And nobody knows more about accounting than the Department Of The Interior! You know, the same way the General Accounting Office is all about telling you which way to the geyser. -> [...] -> -> Most of the services relate to information technology, but at least -> two involve the provision of interrogators, Quimby said -- one for -> $19.9 million covering "interrogation support" and another for -> $21.8 million labeled "human intelligence support." Okay, so the Tom Of Finland titles here so far are "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear", "Chain Of Command", and "Interrogation Supporter" (which would be about a jock strap that wouldn't let you go to sleep until you confess you shoplifted it from that store that sells nothing but cacti, macrame, and jockstraps.) -> [...] -> -> "There is no competition and no oversight," Singer said. "The free -> market can be a wonderful mechanism. But not if you do everything -> possible to ensure that it won't work." I wish there were a free market in Boston. Frozen White Castles cost way too much at Stop & Shop. -> Quimby, the Interior Department spokesman, sounded frustrated that -> his agency has been dragged into the prison scandal. -> -> "The Army set the requirements for the contract," he said. "The -> Army pays for the contract. The Army benefits from the contract. -> -> "But when there's a media inquiry," Quimby said, "it's an Interior -> Department contract." Why not just drop all the bullshit and set up a proper Ministry Of Torture? Of course, then the people being interrogated would have to stop answering "Yes, sir!" and say "Yes, Minister!" and it would quickly turn into a British sitcom that briefly interrupts pledge drives on PBS. -> Copyright (c) 2004, The Baltimore Sun Yeah, but to sue me for reposting this, you'll have to dig up the copyright papers you registered with the Library Of Congress, and they'll all busy torturing people in Venezuela. Whoops! Sorry, I forgot we weren't supposed to know about that yet. -- K. I'm not kidding, there really is a store here that just sells cacti, macrame, and jockstraps. Businesses like that should be required to post a sign in the window explaining "What the hell were they thinking?" before they're allowed to go bankrupt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 22:28:50 -0400 Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: -> -> [...] -> -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries fighting -> forces, just 1,000 of the country's 140,000 police officers are trained -> to handle digital evidence. -> -> [...] -> -> They were hunting the deep recesses of a computer for traces of an -> increasingly popular bayberries weapon known as "malware" in a 7Safe -> training session. I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" So please expect me to insert the word "babyberries" bayberries into things until it becomes very obbayberriesnoxious, probably by the end of bayberries this sentence. -- Kberries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:20:10 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: > > -> > > -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries > > -> fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular > > -> bayberries weapon known as "malware" > > > > I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message > > to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN > > has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" > > "Bayberries" is the new "hello datacomp"! CNN has since corrected the article, while also fixing the correct spelling of "advanced": => In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advancd crime => fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular => crime weapon known as "malware" It seems that "bayberries" is code for "crime", and also any "e"s which aren't silent are invisible. A Google search (Web search, not news search) on "bayberries" turns up CNN's news story as the first hit, then a few zillion sites about botany, and Bruce Sterling's blog where he also mentioned that CNN has a bayberry infestation. He suggested it was due to a Microsoft Word macro virus, and then a reader suggested it was due to a spellchecker. I suppose it's possible that someone created a virus that was programmed only to attack the word "crime" in one article on one Web site, and it's possible that there's some spell-checker with a dictionary so small that "bayberries" is the most similar word to "criem" or "krime" (of the five in the dictionary), but I disagree with both theories. I think the reason CNN is blathering about bayberries is that THE BAYBERRIES ARE COMING! RUN! BEFORE THEY CROSS-BREED WITH THE STUFFED ANIMALS TO PRODUCE BEANIE BABY BAYBERRY BEARS! AUGH!!!! -- K. (*WUMP*) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 23:27:19 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:04:52 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > > -> soy sauce. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS PEOPLE! Oh, Kenton? Kenton? Hey, Kenton? Here's a handy tip for you: Practice sitting on your hands until you've read the _whole_ article so that you won't be embarassed when you do that before you get to the end of my article. To recap, I said: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > -> soy sauce. > > [...a few paragraphs of insightful analysis of the news...] > > -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing > -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 > -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, > -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale > -> food-poisoning cases. > > China has 14 kinds of foods now? > > -- K. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. Do you see that part after the "-- K."? That's still part of the article I wrote. The same article that you almost read part of. Now go sit on your hands in the corner and think about paying more attention next time I say something too obvious to be worth making a "Soylent Green" reference, let alone two of them. If I had wanted your help being obvious, I would've soaked you in the Obvious Bag, which is currently marinating in sugar-free tamari. -- K. I bought a 32-ounce bottle of hot sauce today. Should last a month or two if I just put in on food and don't drink shots of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 00:21:53 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:28 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probaby something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:36 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probaby something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:53:06 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:34 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:20 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Any duplicate articles are not my fault. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:29 -0400 If you see a few duplicate articles from me showing up late, it's due to circumstances beyond my control. No further information is available. -- K. Rrrrrrrrrrrr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 22:56:42 -0400 [re a school administrator using an electrified pen to give shocks to his co-workers as pranks] Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > And he has not been fired for being an abusive loon... why? > > I've heard rumors of workplaces in which people actually socialize > happily with their cow-orkers, including sometimes playing small, > harmless practical jokes on one another. Honest, Lots. A prank which causes pain is not "harmless", even if it causes no visible physical damage. Non-consensual pain _is_ emotional harm. Hurting other people without their consent is _not_ a prank, it's the very definition of abuse. As I've said, allegedly mature grown-ups shouldn't be using these "joke" shock pens, much less the kids they're marketed to. And trust me, the pens in question don't give cute little shocks. They give shocks which would make some people yell, cry, slug you in the face, etc. Let's put it this way: I imagine I have more experience than you with electrical devices designed for torturing humans (always consensually!) and those "joke" pens can (if held the right way) hurt more than some pretty serious sadomasochistic torture devices. And even a lot of people who go out of their way to experience pain have a serious phobia about even considering getting tiny little electrical shocks -- certainly those pens would make many little kids, and some grown-ups, scream or weep and suffer emotional trauma. This is not like giving someone a dribble glass. It's a "practical joke" on the order of running up to someone and sticking a tack in them. I bet Lynndie England owns one of these pens. And in addition, these pens aren't safe. For instance, there's nothing to stop someone from pressing the button while the pen is in a shirt pocket adjacent to the heart. Even a small current, when pulsed as the pens do, can easily stop a heart. (I don't know how much clothing the pens' shocks can penetrate, but they can probably go through at least a shirt.) It's not even clear whether the pens are legal here -- state law prohibits possession of any electrical device "designed to incapacitate temporarily, injure or kill", and lawyers could spend a lot of time arguing over whether the word "injure" means "cause pain and emotional distress" in addition to "cause visible physical damage". -- K. Kevin, your kink is REALLY NOT OKAY. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:42:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > As we all know, everyone into S&M secretly worships evil and cuts > > people off in the passing lane. > > We all know that Terri has deemed insurance BORING BORING BORING. > Which usually it is, but those who have read more than 2 of my posts > know that I can always find something interesting going on at my > insurance company. These "Penthouse Forum" letters are so predictable! > The other day, a secretary in an agent's office calls up all > flustered. We verify policies which have had a Marshall & Swift run > on them (it estimates the replacement cost of a home), and we require > agents to provide photos of all 4 sides of any new homes we are > insuring. > So this secretary is in a fit. She got an obscene message from an > underwriter, she said. About BDSM. > I was more shocked that a secretary knew what BDSM was than at the > idea that an underwriter would send hawt I FLURT U messages, but I > checked the message myself, and found nothing. The agent, in the > background, tells the secretary to tell me, "Read it again!" > Turns out the agent, who is new, saw a message which read "Please > submit M&S. Also we need photos of all 4 sides of it." She misread it > because she is a prevert, got her secretary all in a lather, and phoned > me, apparently just to make my day. > I assured the secretary that photos of just two sides of the S&M were > acceptable. I was told I am NOT FUNNY. Too bad she didn't buy it -- it would have definitely been funny to see her booking a helicopter ride and then tunneling into the ground to get photos of the "top" and "bottom". I would have said it was acceptable to substitute an hour-long videotape for the photos, but that's just me. -- K. Even if it was just a videotape of a house sitting there motionless for an hour, Andy Warhol would have liked it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:57:01 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, your kink is REALLY NOT OKAY. > > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired? In what sort of workplace would giving people involuntary electrical shocks would certainly be considered forgiveable behavior? (Other than state prisons and Stanley Milgram's "science" lab.) If I were an employer who found that one of my employees was _hurting_ people because he thought it was funny, he'd get _more_ than fired, unless I were operating a sadomasochistic clown school, but sadly, the only one of those is in Oak Brook, Illinois. > I knew that "small, harmless" would get a rise out of someone (but I > didn't expect it to by you, K.) And your lack of expectations of evil from me shall be your downfall. > I take it back, as it doesn't really reflect my feelings about the > principal's actions. > > PS: Sometimes I say things on Usenet that I don't really believe, > like right now, for instance. Me too. I greatly respect your opinions. There, see how easy it is for me to say things I can't possibly believe? -- K. Before you go look it up, McDonalds Hamburger University is the cruel thing in Oak Brook, Illinois. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:04:27 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't > > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he > > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to > > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired? > > If he was sending joke emails to everyone in the school, then tell > him to knock it off. If he was sending electricity into people's bodies, > that should result in a firing. Unless he's also the science teacher, in which case it's all right. Or maybe if he's also the sex ed teacher, if this is in one of those progressive places like Cambridge. (Not Boston! Boston's very conservative compared to Cambridge. In Boston, gay men can barely even get married!) -- K. I'd say giving someone a wedgie should be grounds for dismissal, as should anything else inducing physical pain and possible emotional trauma, such as electric shocks and/or the cafeteria's Beanee Weenee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo, Kibo! What's Up with the Duplicate Posts? Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:38:42 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > You're a funny guy, K, but unlike episodes of "F Troupe" your stuff > doesn't get funnier with repetition. This from a guy who cross-posted followups to about a thousand articles from spammer George Hammond? If encouraging Hammond to flood a.r.k with boring junk is your idea of fun, then I refuse to accept any comments you try to give me, even backhanded ones. Tell you what, Kevin, to make up for the fact that you were inconvenienced for a few seconds because of network trouble I had no control over, why don't you come over and I'll help you learn why those shock pens you like aren't harmless fun practical jokes -- I think you have enough orifices that I could get at least three dozen into you, six dozen if you open your big mouth. -- K. And now, I'm going to post this three times, but the third one will have something special at the bottom that only Kevin will see when he reads all three all the way to the end. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo, Kibo! What's Up with the Duplicate Posts? Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 19:07:53 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And now, I'm going to post this three times, but the third one > > will have something special at the bottom that only Kevin will > > see when he reads all three all the way to the end. > > And then I'll spoil it by announcing to everyone that the special > message was a declaration of love, thereby revealing you to be the > softy we've suspected you were all along. And sometimes love really hurts. As Homer Simpson explained, "Pain is love." Now be quiet and clean your face. There's pasta sauce all over it. Here's a spaghetti strainer. Let me know when you've gotten your face through it. -- K. Ever wondered why car jumper cables and batteries attach with giant alligator clamps and not some reasonably modern technology such as an electrical plug? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Curry, floor, fuck. Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 00:21:25 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > My dear fellow Kibologists: > > I would just like to announce the unintended precipitation of my > curry this evening onto the kitchen floor (and parts of cooker). Oh. When I saw "Subject: Curry, floor, fuck." I thought this was going to be an ad for another local leather bar as tantalizing as the one that has pinball. Spicy food would be served on the dance floor (literally) and the bar would be called something like "Curried Jackboots". You have now disappointed me. Damn, can't wait to try visiting the place that has the pinball. If they have a Twilight Zone machine, my voice is going to go down an extra octave. I'm new enough to the scene that I'm worried I'll violate some unwritten social taboo of leather bars, like, if you wear your armband on the left you have to go second while playing pinball unless it's dark on Tuesday, and be forever ostracized from the community of perverts. If that happens, I'll have to join a model railroad club or something. > An immediate statement by myself in response to this event, while > not recorded verbatim, bore the overall sense of "Fuck! Fuck! > Fuck-fuck-fuck Fuckitty-fuck! Bastard fuck arse and fuck, thrice > fuckly! Thank you for doing this to me, God! Fuck!" Could be worse. You could have been lying on your back, eating curry with no shirt on, and gotten a big irregular scald all over your abdomen when you lost your really good spicy curry. Fortunately the angry red splotch faded after a few months. Today was one of those days when I was feeling really tense and so I did a few shots of hot sauce (well, two shots) to relax. > A spoon was thrown. > > The curry in question was a chicken korma, which was to be served > with white rice and sliced banana. The rice, together with that > part of the curry not still adhering to the kitchen carpet, has > now been transferred to the bin; the banana remains unzipped. Maybe you could serve your unzipped banana with some cod pieces. (WHY IS IT EVERYONE WHO LIKES SPICY FOOD IS A PERVERT LIKE YOU?) > Step have been taken to bake potatoes to accompany a reserve tin > of tuna fish. I just realized I haven't had canned tuna in most of a year. I should make some tuna salad. (Note: I dislike fresh tuna, but I can tolerate the canned kind without all that fish flavor.) -- K. Wait, you have _carpet_ in your _kitchen_? Who do you think you are, High Hefner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Proposition Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:31:21 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I have a proposition. Some of you think that my current signature is > "uncool." I have a propositon that would correct this problem and make my > signature "cool." It would be chic, like Kibo's but not quite as chic. Dude, putting Fonzie's jacket on Potsie wouldn't make Potsie cool. It would simply ruin the jacket. And then Fonzie would have to switch back to that wimpy beige poplin windbreaker from the first season. Speaking of Potsie, has anyone else nearly had a heart attack when that new commercial for St. Joseph's chewable aspirin came on? It's simply the audio of Potsie singing "Pumps Your Blood" from a "Happy Days" episode about thirty years ago (the one where Potsie is going to flunk biology until the other students help him put on a big musical number about heart anatomy.) I was typing away on my laptop and suddenly the TV started singing at me in Potsie's voice and I was so flabbergasted, I almost fell through the Earth's crust. > I propose that the signature would read, "-- S." How do you like the idea? > It's not quite so original, but it will be fun! For now, I'll just sign > this message using the old way. "-- K." isn't a .signature, you double-z-bozzo, it's just an initial. A .signature has, like, formatting and stuff. Also a little silver strip you can scratch off with a coin to reveal fabulous prizes. -- K. Is a "propositon" a fancy name for a hemorrhoid doughnut? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:43:55 -0400 Shelton Bumgarner (bumgarls@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Hey dudes, how's it going? I haven't posted in ages, That's okay, as long as you've been reading all my articles. POP QUIZ! 1.) Name Kibo's favorite material for clothing, and the color thereof. 2.) List all five hair colors Kibo's had in the last month. 3.) What celebrity is Kibo currently fantasizing about stalking? 4.) Is Kibo gay yet? 5.) Does Kibo like cheese yet? Essay: Tell why Kibo is so great. Attach additional sheets even if unnecessary because I'm running low on clean bed linens. > but I do have some news -- I've started a blog. Big deal. I _finished_ a blog once. > I'm trying to teaching conversational English in South Korea and the > blog is devoted to that quest. It can be found at zagmub.blogspot.com. In five years, it will be possible to teach blogosational English. It's like conversational English except for one difference: Conversational English: "I'm crying!" Blogosational English: "I'm crying! CURRENT MOOD IS: :-( SAD" -- K. Oops, almost forgot to add filler here. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 14:06:50 -0400 "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > POP QUIZ! > > > > 1.) Name Kibo's favorite material for clothing, and the color thereof. > > Black crushed velvet. Well, that's my favorite color, and one of my favorite activities, and my favorite texture of red-dye-filled cake, but sorry, my favorite material for clothing is bronze. > > 2.) List all five hair colors Kibo's had in the last month. > > Black, white, purple, indigo, rust. YOU FOOL! THERE IS NO SUCH COLOR AS INDIGO!!! The correct answer: Purple, yellow, red, fluorescent orange, blond, yellowish-orange, and since I guess the facial hair colors count, blue and yes, rust. > > 3.) What celebrity is Kibo currently fantasizing about stalking? > > Anne Rice. I said "stalking", not "ghostwr-- oh, let's talk about something else. > > 4.) Is Kibo gay yet? > > You misspelled "goth", and the answer is, "And how!" I do have a pair of "Destroy" brand leather boots with 2" platform soles and 4" heels (they make my feet hurt like hell, but sometimes I wear them with my sentry cap when I need to be tall enough to have to duck through doorways) but that alone won't make me Goth. I'd have to start doing nail polish and other girly stuff to be Goth. > > 5.) Does Kibo like cheese yet? > > Kibo is the cheesiest goth EVAR. I hate you now. To punish you, I'm going to take you to that prison in Iraq where men are forced to wear women's lacy underpanties and then given enormous electrical shocks. I understand it's the panties that are the painful part. I hear they're very uncomfortable. > > Essay: Tell why Kibo is so great. Attach additional sheets even > > if unnecessary because I'm running low on clean bed linens. > > ONCE APON A TIME KIBO SULKED UNTIL A HEAVYSET GRIL IN A CORSET BUMPED > INTO HIM AND HE SANK HIS PLASTIC FANGS INTO HER NECK AND THEN THEY > SHARED A GOBLET OF GRENADINE AND WROTE BAD POETRY THEN THEY GOT > MARRIED AND BOUGHT A VOLVO THE ENB Short shameful confession: I love grenadine. Especially the sugar-based synthetic stuff (Rose's) which is the only kind you can get in supermarkets. By the way, there's some company selling "Pom" brand pomegranate juice in markets here (it comes in three flavors: awful regular pomegranate juice, awful pomegranate/mango, and of course, awful pomegranate/cranberry otherwise known as "two fruits the world has too many of, mixed together") and wow does the stuff taste horrid. > > Big deal. I _finished_ a blog once. > > "Blog" sounds like an also-ran in a Kibological word contest. > Compared to "doidy" and "woxwox", "blog" really sounds stupid and sad. Back when Jorn was around here, it was spelled "weblog" when he coined it (and he even dared to predict that someday there would be over a dozen of them on the Internet.) I don't know who decided it should be shortened to "blog". "Blog" sounds like a noise you'd make when you blarf. -- K. I need to finish knitting my bronze trenchcoat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:37:38 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > BTW, at the same time I was experimenting with grenadine. > > YOU FOOL! IT'S MADE FROM REAL GRENADES! DON'T DRINK IT OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO THROW THEMSELVES ON YOU TO SAVE A THIRD PARTY FROM THE EXPLOSION AND THEN THEY MIGHT GROW UP TO BE HITLER! THE PRIME DIRECTIVE FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! > Soon, only bathing nightly in mango lassi will satiate your exotic > fruit desire. And eventually, when your money runs out, you'll have to keep re-using it and spend week after week bathing in the same mangy lassi. > NOTE: I call dibs on 'Exštic FrŸit Desire' as a band name. By day, we > will be Fruit of the Loom spokesmodels, by night... WE SHALL ROCK! If I were Conan O'Brien, I'd say something about Joel Goddard. -- K. Do condoms prevent the spread of yellow fever? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hair color! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 04:26:29 -0400 Once again, a bulletin just for people who can't get enough of my wonderful hair: I now have the most complex dye job I've ever had. It's not that different from certain colors I've had before, except that the texture is more complex, more like animal hair (think of how your cat is revealed to have three colors of hair mixed together when you ruffle its fur) than the solid-color clown hair you often get from these brightly-colored dyes. Here's what I did: 1. Bleached the hair and beard. This took my hair and sideburns to dark blond, and the goatee turned orange (I had had dark red dye in it, the dark red bleaches to orange.) 2. Bleached again. Now I had light blond hair and a pale orange goatee. 3. Dyed just the goatee part of the beard dark reddish-orange with a 50/50 mixture of Manic Panic Electric Lava and Manic Panic Tiger Lily. 4. Bleached just the goatee to lighten it to a medium orange. The reason to dye then bleach is to get a more realistic color where some hairs are lighter than others. 5. Dyed all the hair (including the goatee) with Manic Panic Electric Banana, to add a fluorescent yellow quality to the blond hair (and brighten up the orange goatee a little.) 6. Re-dyed everything but the goatee with a 90/10 mixture of Electric Banana and Tiger Lily to tint the hair gold, with orange highlights. The six steps listed above were done over the last few days, so I had a bleach-blond look most of this week. The finished look is that my hair is schoolbus yellow-orange, but mottled so that the topmost layer of hair is oranger and the underlayers are more blond. The beard is a weathered-looking burnt orange. The goal was to get the beard to (even more precisely than before) match my orange mirrorshades but also get the rest of the hair to match my bright goldenrod-colored shirts while giving all the hair a more complex, less cartoony texture despite the flashy colors. Of course, in terms of hair and clothes, it's generally a bad idea to try to match things exactly -- it's almost impossible to pull it off, and just not a sophisticated kind of design to start with -- but when you have a really exotic, vivid hair color, you can do really striking things by making it the focus of a look (i.e. black leather with a yellow shirt and orange glasses matched to yellow and orange hair is a really memorable look.) Next on my schedule: I got a jar of Punky Color Turquoise and a jar of Manic Panic Raven, so I could either do all my hair in bright cyan, or do it in black except for the goatee in some bright color (maybe orange, maybe blue) -- I also still have a jar of Manic Panic Shocking Blue which would be fun to try, too. Plus I have two jars of Manic Panic Electric Sunshine, but I don't really know what it does (the hair swatch in the store was a goldenrod like I wanted, but in the jars the goop is a very pale translucent beige color, so I worry that it may have faded in the store.) Anyone want two jars of what might be beige or might be gold? -- K. Rule of thumb: I never dye my hair with any colors available from the drugstore. They only sell ones that look like hair, plus a few very low-quality bright colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hair color! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 13:52:01 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I now have the most complex dye job I've ever had. [...] > > > > 6. Re-dyed everything but the goatee with a 90/10 mixture of > > Electric Banana and Tiger Lily to tint the hair gold, with > > orange highlights. > > I 'look forward' to the day when you post this new hair colour: > Bald and scabby. I shave it once in a while. Makes certain hats, helmets, and mind-controlled death rays fit better. Also then I can take off my glasses and turn into Richard Moll as Matt Frewer as a young, sober Billy Bob Thornton. > I worry about your poor scalp. Oh, my scalp can handle a lot of abuse, baby. If a giant squid ever attacks the two of us, I'll position my scalp between the suckers and you until you can call the Gorton's fisherman to come kill the squid and then you can call the fire department to use the Jaws Of Life to get it off my scalp and then I'll say "So what do you want to do next?" -- K. I might need a hot sauce break first to keep my energy level up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 14:16:56 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > More things we need a word for > > 1) The period of time between joining a new newsgroup and killfiling > the resident psychopath. That would be like "Minister Without Portfolio" -- "Newbie Without Killfile". > 2) The whatever-it-is that allows animals to sense you are awake, even > if you have not moved. Actually, it's a little node in their anterior angulate gyrus that gives them the power to telepathically wake you up when they want to order you to feed them. > 3) The object that you forget to bring on a trip. (Hopefully it's > something replaceable, like a toothbrush and not something unique, > like your grandmother) What about objects that mysteriously disappear from a hotel room? I somehow lost a 3" rubber ball in one recently. It can't have gone under the bed because the bed was on one of those solid slabs, and we couldn't find it anywhere else. My theory is that it quantum-tunneled through the thin wall into the room where the people were making more noise. Here's the item I've lately been trying to come up with a word for: 4) Companies that attempt to market gay stuff to gay people while still hoping straight people will buy it too. For instance, there is one fetish-oriented nightclub here that has a night which they advertise as a "testosterone" night because they're worried that straights will avoid the place the rest of the week if they don't write "gay" in a word too big for the homophobes to understand. And then there's International Male, which I've been complaining about endlessly because, hey, really f'ing ridiculously gay clothes. Have you _seen_ their stuff? Why don't they just give up and admit it, and have their models wear gay hairstyles and pose with other men, instead of them all having straight-guy haircuts and standing around in isolated one-shots while wearing the faggiest clothes imaginable? -- K. 5) Those white things in cheap hot dogs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Sun, 30 May 2004 15:43:10 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here's the item I've lately been trying to come up with a > > word for: > > > > 4) Companies that attempt to market gay stuff to gay people > > while still hoping straight people will buy it too. > > I deeply regret to report that a recent fad in the fashion-victim > press and silly-season red-tops here in UKaia has already coined > the term "metrosexual" to refer to this nauseating tendency and > its embarrasingly clueless adherents. No, that's very different and less egregious. "Metrosexual" usually refers to people who are very vain, and live in big cities, and often means straight people who aren't afraid to adopt a little bit of gay culture (though the person who coined the term was not using it in a gender-specific or orientation-specific way when he talked about the big-city folks who liked to have fancy hair.) I was referring to catalogs where every shirt they sell is fluorescent fuschia and screams "I'M GAY!!!!" except that the catalog refuses to admit that they know they're selling any gay stuff. I really think they're worried that they'll sell less of it if they actually admit who the only people who are actually it are (i.e. they're alienating their gay customers to avoid alienating their only three straight customers.) Unless it is possible that their target audience really isn't gay men but just those straight guys who are so clueless about gay culture that they dress in a more "gay" manner than gay men, but seriously, does any straight guy want a backless jockstrap? That's not only too gay, the fact that it's not actually labelled as a product _for_ gays is just plain ridiculous. What's next, unisex vaginal deodorant? > O tempora! O mores! Thus doth life imitate kibology. > > Howsomenever, one might still need a word for the tendency of > some straight peeps to go up to London for Xmas beers in gay pubs > because they will be less crowded than other pubs with raucous > and fuckwitted seasonal drinkers. Well, the moment you're a straight person who realizes it's more fun to be around gay people than straight people, that's not something that has a word for it, that's something that has a pride flag for it. > Although I'm not sure if this phenomenon has been observable > since the 1980s. So are you one of those people who goes to gay bars just to observe the straight people admiring the non-obnoxiousness of the gay people? And how many degrees separated from sex does that make you? -- K. And then there are those straight guys who want to try receiving oral sex from a gay man just because they think he might know how to work the equipment better than a woman would. (And they're right, but it really doesn't make _that_ much difference.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:03:40 -0400 Another thing we need a word for: When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount someone else is going to be donating. Whoops, someone just outbid me on that autographed Wil Wheaton book. Now St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital is going to get an extra two dollars and fifty cents but I still don't know the term for what just happened... What wanted word works where wacky World Wide Web's Wil "Wesley" Weaton's weirdly wonderful work went while well-wishing weak wimpy waifs? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 -- K. Go bid it up so I don't have to! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 14:52:14 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Another thing we need a word for: > > > > When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well > > you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising > > to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount > > someone else is going to be donating. > > And we need a complementary word for when you bid in a charity auction > knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about > temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up > the actual amount someone else is going to be donating, and then you > aren't. Outbid, I mean. Hey, if I were _sure_ I'd be outbid, I would have bid like a million billion zillion dollars so the sick kids got enough money for two and a half new kidneys each, but since I figured it might turn out that I'd crush everyone else in my quest to prove I was the nicest person on the planet, I only bid an amount I could afford (about twenty dollars over the previous high bid) because I have a big enough brain to know that there might be some jerk out there who wants to give more money to charity than I do. So I ran the price up about twenty dollars and had the high bid for about a day before someone came along and decided they wanted to pay more. Charity auctions always strike me as a weird way to raise funds. The prize doesn't go to whoever _donates_ the most, it goes to whoever offers to donate the most, and then all the other people say "Whew! Now I don't have to donate anything!" I wonder whether they'd get more money or less money if they did it the other way around. Or they could do it Hofstadter-style and divide up the prize equally among all donors in proportion to how much they donated, i.e. everyone who donated $1 would get a letter "e" from Wil Wheaton's memoirs and people who donated more might get at least half a page. But I suppose the cost of ripping the book into 5000 pieces and mailing all of them would destroy the profit margin for the sick kids. Someone would have to donate thousands of dollars in postage which would then be wasted in an effort to raise hundreds of dollars. So many this is a stupid idea. Remember, folks, you will be buying a _whole_ copy of Wil Wheaton's "Dancing Barefoot" here when you help some children who are really sick: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 ...how sick are these kids? Remember the kids in "Patch Adams"? And remember how violently ill you got while watching him trying to amuse them? That's how sick they are. And the only thing that can cure them is for you to buy this book. -- K. And stop asking if I ghostwrote it. It's not even my style. Even the parts about Shatner being evil. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:02:04 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > What is the word for letting the dog inside so it can go wake someone up > by jumping on the bed and licking their face? Poor Spot! He had to go inside and lick Bob Hope's face until he woke up! And he was old and scaly! And dead! Spot licked and licked until he licked hard enough to make Bob Hope come back to life. Then Bob Hope killed Spot. Then Spot stayed dead until he licked himself enough to wake himself up. Then he and Bob Hope went outside and the door slammed behind them and there was nobody left on Earth to ever let them back in again because by now everyone else had evolved into clouds of super-intelligent spores that lived outside the Universe, in the Land Of Eternal Sparkles. Spot and Bob Hope cried! > Also it was fun to hide under the covers and have the two Jack Russels > my parents had try and dig you out. Good thing your parents didn't have two Helena Russells. Or worse, one Helena Russell and one Bob Hope. -- K. Helena Russell licking Bob Hope. There. Now that I've mentioned that on the Internet, _everybody's_ gay. You're welcome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rummy Date: Sun, 30 May 2004 16:44:58 -0400 Daniel L. Bateman (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > Daniel L. Bateman (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Donald Rumsfeld said:] > > > > > > "One thing that appears reasonably certain, and that is that those > > > who make allegations of a culture of deception, of intimidation or > > > of cover-up need to be extremely careful about such accusations." > > > > > > We will now discuss the delicious irony of this statement. > > > > Why? Are you one of those people who's making allegations of a culture > > of deception, of intimidation or of cover-up? > > I think you need to be extremely careful of accusaction that I'm one > of "those people." Yeah. I've certainly never seen you at any of our meetings. Also, we like the word "those" underlined when you say "_those_ people". > The joke here is he made a threatening statement to > say there is no intimidation going on. Explai Nation is a fun country to visit, but you won't enjoy doing time in prison there, being beaten with durian-scented rubber truncheons, wrapped up in a sandpaper-lined straitjacket, or dipped in molten slag made from melting down the glass from 300 TV picture tubes that were showing "Happy Days" reruns while they melted. Of course, that was not a threatening or intimidating statement, it was simply a promise that certain rules will be followed which will result in you not needing to buy a DayRunner for 2005, 2006, or 2007. -- K. And worst of all, they're reruns of the episode where Chachi puts on a big dance number in front of a banner which says "WA WA WA". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How much to fix a digital camera? Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 02:00:31 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I was quoted $297AUD to "remove beer residue" from my camera which is > almost half of what my camera costs. I am considering telling them to > insert their quote rectally sideways. How I feel about this depends on how much 297 Australian dollars are worth, and whether Australian repairmen have the same size rectums as normal repairmen. Why did you get beer residue on your camera? And why did you need to get the beer residue removed? Was the smell of the rancid beer residue on your camera making it hard to secretly take "upskirt" photographs while you rode up the mall escalator hundreds of times a day? What type of camera was it? Did it have any sentimental value because it was the first one you ever used for "upskirt" shots? Why didn't you remove the residue yourself? Was any of it on the lens, making beer-colored blotches on your "upskirt" photos? How long had the beer been on the camera? Was it Foster's? Why don't you switch to a low-residue beer? Are you a professional golfer? Where's my bacon? Can I saw off your feet for no reason? Have the lambs stopped screaming? Whoops, two of those questions weren't really relevant. You must answer the others. Attach additional beer-soaked sheets if necessary. -- K. What does this have to do with figure skating? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:43:00 -0400 [from tritown.gmnews.com] -> -> Trustees hope new signs will cut speed in Villages -> -> BY KATHY BARATTA -> Staff Writer -> -> HOWELL -- It has been alleged that a misplaced bolt on a street -> sign is confusing drivers entering The Villages adult community, -> off Route 9. "adult community"? Is that code for "no children allowed to own homes", or "everyone walks around naked all the time", or do they just mean "elderly"? -> According to Villages resident Barbara Dixel, the bolt on a 15 -> mph speed limit sign that was recently posted at the entrance of -> the community is placed in such a way that it makes the sign -> appear to set a speed limit of 1.5 mph. Oh, "elderly". Nobody under 65 could possibly attempt to drive under two miles an hour. Heck, even a Segway can go faster than that! -> [...] -> Dixel said she had heard reports of the new signs causing -> problems and then personally witnessed an individual jam on his -> brakes as soon as he turned off the entry road onto Dag -> Hammar-skjold Boulevard. -> -> Dixel said the driver maneuvered the car down the road at a pace -> that was barely moving in what she said appeared to be an attempt -> to drive less than 2 mph. She said other residents in the -> community told her they had witnessed the same thing. Know what this means? It means all I have to do is go over to the office-supply store and buy some sticky dots and then all elderly people will be driving 1.5 or 2.5 or 6.5 miles per hour or whatever other number is the result of me dividing their local street sign by ten. And then I'll just walk past their car while it's oozing along on its way to the discount cat food warehouse. -> Dixel went before the Township Council earlier this month to find -> out why 15 mph speed limit signs had been posted on The Villages' -> main road. She said even 15 mph was an "unrealistic speed" and -> would undoubtedly lead to rear-end collisions. The only safe speed is zero. You see, motion leads to collisions. -> [...] -> -> He said when the 25 mph signs were posted, people were driving at -> 40 to 45 mph. He said board members thought that if they posted -> 15 mph signs, people would slow down to 25 mph, "which is what we -> wanted in the first place." But sadly, now that they think it says "1.5", the maniacs are doing 2.5. -- K. What if, instead of adding a decimal point, I added a unary minus to make all bozos go backwards? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:08:34 -0400 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The only safe speed is zero. You see, motion leads to collisions. > > But Einstein said I *was* doing zero. It was the lamppost doing 100. > Help me stop everything in the universe from moving! It might put > someone's eye out. Dear anemone, I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_. And thus the joy of pedantry was discovered. -- K. And now he's blind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 01:08:03 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig > > and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke > > someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible > > because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their > > skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_. > > Did you ever run around with your fist out, and then never got into > trouble, because you told the teacher "they ran into my fist!"? Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid. As a little kid, the move I relied on for self-defense was to kick people in the shin in the few instances where I couldn't run away. A couple times I shoved someone down. As an adult, I have, in a few cases, had to defend myself (the sort of grab-yank-shove combo to knock someone over that you do when you've only learned martial arts by accident) but I never get violent (or had to imply I was ready to get violent) with people unless they're seriously provoking me. The last three instances I can think of involved drunken, drugged-up, or crazy bums. One guy made the mistake of grabbing my shoulder because he didn't like that I had walked past him twice in one day without giving him the cigarette money he was demanding. I simply glowered at him and he got the message that he should never, ever touch me again. If he hadn't immediately let go, I would've grabbed his wrist and improvised from there. The second guy was the deranged "Cochise? Cochise? Cochise?" guy in the subway, I described him a few years ago. He was one of these people who simply would not listen when told in no uncertain terms to go away, so I simply grabbed his neck with my right hand and shoved him back a few feet to get his attention without hurting him much. He was so out of it that he started laughing, but he got the message and did it from a distance, eventually deciding to get into someone else's face with his one-note act until they did beat him up. The third guy I mentioned just a few weeks ago, a drunk or stoner who also got in my face and just would not listen to my insistence that I wanted him to leave me alone. He did not wish to comprehend the message "LEAVE ME ALONE. NOW." in a very firm voice, but his friend who was trying to take him home did, and dragged him away from me while I was mentally preparing a list of things to tell him I would do to him if he didn't buzz off. Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip, and I'm unafraid in these situations. Since the only people who go around picking fights with random people like me on the street are people suffering from some sort of defect or impairment, I know that in all three of the above incidents, had the creeps persisted in harassing me or if they had taken a swing at me, seconds later they would've been on the ground yelling for help. My feeling is that the only confrontations I'm ever likely to get into (which I might feel the need to escalate) would boil down to a matter of all-set-to-hurt- someone vs. too-fucking-drunk-to-know-you're-about-to-eat-curb. So to get back to your question, sorry, but I don't have the arm strength to grab an arm and make them punch their own face so that I can tell the police, "They kept hitting themselves, even though I was saying 'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!'" -- K. I should learn to throw a punch, given that I now have those leather gloves with the armored knuckles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:12:28 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid. > > I'm not sure I have ever *successfully* punched someone. Once a "friend" > of mine, the one who looked exactly like Scot Farkus ten years before > Scot Farkus was cast, promised to teach me to fight and instead just beat > me up--publicly. Once I tried to throw my books at someone who had > tripped me on the bus for the umpteenth time, and missed, got beat up, > and got to spend several hours over the next few months in the office > with this guy and the guidance counselor who thought there was something > I could do to resolve my problems with him. You should have called the school board and reported that the nutty guidance counselor had overdosed on "Davey & Goliath" cartoons. At least half of them are about how bullies are mean because they have no friends so if you try to play with them and act all submissive to them they'll stop picking on you. I think Art Clokey has a brain made from wadded-up clay. > Kicking never worked for me, either. Like Joe, I'm stuck with all > the extra-lame big-guy weapons: > > * Pushing. Mass and height are both advantages in this. I once > accidentally pushed a girl my own size backwards over a bench upon > either being tickled or having my hat stolen, I forget which. This was easier in the days when gals wore those spring-loaded hoopskirt-and-petticoat layers. Whenever they sat down, the gentlest touch could make them go "SPROING!" and do a triple backflip. Except that in those days, the onomatopoiea "SPROING!" hadn't yet been invented, it was probably some old-timey word like "ZOWIE!" > * Obstinately standing in the way. This one is generally fairly > effective until someone actually hits me. Obstinately slumping > against the wall with a minor concussion is somewhat less effective. > > * Accidentally stepping on feet. This one is useful really only when > you're beset by contradance pedants and/or showoffs who think during > the dance is the time to instruct you on how you're dancing all wrong. > If it could be done on purpose, it might have been useful on the bus. Well, still, your fighting techniques are less risible than the fights on "Walker, Texas Ranger". I wish Conan O'Brien would spend the entire show pulling that lever over and over. Walker and Conan are the funniest comedy team since Bob & David or Tim, Graeme, and Bill. -- K. I gotta remember that bit about stuffing a handful of dirt in my mouth to figure out whether a plane crashed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:03:31 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big > > wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip, > > and I'm unafraid in these situations. > > There aren't a lot of advantages to being an overweight guy but one > thing it does have going for it is that some of those types of people > won't mess with you because they seem to think that "big guy" = "tough > street-fightin' bruiser" for some reason, even if the big guy is a big > teddy bear like me. GROW SOME HAIR, BEAR! You need facial fur if you want to be the full stereotype. Also eventually you'll have to dress up as Santa to show the grandkids there's a reason God made you in his image in a funhouse mirror. Start your beard now in case you have grandkids tomorrow. > It's weird how people simultaneously hold the stereotypes that a > big guy is both (1) out-of-shape and unable to move, and (2) powerful > and able to easily win a fight. And yet you never hear about Santa Claus beating up the bad people. All he does is give them free fossil fuel. The real reason skinny people don't try to beat up fat people? It's very tiring to have to repeatedly push a fist through all those virtual pillows you people wear. It's like you have a marshmallow force field. Its strength-sapping power is comparable to having to fight while on a treadmill set to an eighty-degree incline. Fat people are exhausting to clobber. -- K. Who would win in a fight between Santa Claus and Teddy Ruxpin, with pool cues? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 12:56:53 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What if, instead of adding a > > decimal point, I added a unary minus > > to make all bozos go backwards? > > Get some sticky letters and use the lowercase i's, if it's a home for > retired mathematicians, or j's if it's for electrical engineers. Okay, now you're just being silly. Everyone knows there's no such thing as imaginary numbers. Do you know why "i" doesn't exist? Because seven eight eye. Wait, I didn't tell that one right. HELP ME, RONALD McDONALD! Ahem. Back on track for a minute... Because the Kaiju Big Battel people seem to get away with vandalizing a lot of street signs around here with their little Cube stickers (and occasionally a giant Cube sticker), possibly because they are universally beloved, I, the area's other universally beloved pop-culture phenomenon involving loudness and wrestling, keep thinking that I should make up a batch of some sort of secret Kibology Pride stickers and put them all over town too. But to make the game more interesting I'd limit myself to putting them only on signs that already had a Kaiju sticker. And I'd print my stickers in a wide array of sizes so that I could always use a Kibology Pride sticker precisely 10% bigger than whatever it was next to. I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet stepping on someone or something, but I'm not sure what. -- K. Curious George would be easy enough to draw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: K pride (was: old people driving slowly) Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:35:19 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet > > stepping on someone or something, but I'm not sure what. > > A bee in a balloon. Hey, yeah. I like that pride flag. It's sufficiently creepy. But should the bee the "K" crushes be a bee bee, or a "B" bee? Or a BB? We could do like Romper Room and instead of having a "Do Bee" and a "Don't Bee" we could have a "Look Bee" and an "Eat Bee". One of the bees would be for looking at, and the other one would be for eating. Eating other groups' pride flags. > > Curious George would be easy > > enough to draw. > > Curious George in a balloon? No, wait---the Man in the Yellow Hat in a > balloon. Filled with bees. Let's pretend the monkey's fetishistic slavemaster doesn't exist. Besides, between him and the bees there would be too much yellow, we wouldn't want the Kibology pride flag to be accused of being yellow just because it was. Anyway, I think I'm going to start designing a Kibology pride flag with a "K", a bee, and a balloon. Thanks, Xaonon. (Hey, Xaonon, channel 11 here is showing "The Brain Of Morbius" this month, so that means in in just a few more dozen weeks they'll be up to the episode with the guy who spells his name just like yours, except correctly.) -- K. And could someone please explain "The Masque Of Mandragora" to me without using the word "Fidelio"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I Do Not Cook Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 19:26:38 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I made it just fine on ramen, crackers, and cereal for years, > > thankyouverymuch. > > My dear, people in their 20s can live on pudding skin and warm Coke if > they have to. I swear that the first two times I read that sentence, my brain insisted the word "on" was spelled "in". If it were socially acceptable, I would dress entirely in pudding skin. I'd have a suit made from every flavor, except no tapioca. Tapioca is the pudding with its own zits. > One's body is very forgiving, for the most part, when one is in one's > 20s. However, you will--- as we all do if we're lucky--- age fairly > quickly, and you will find a body in its 30s, 40s, and dare I say it? > 50s, not nearly so forgiving. Think ahead, dear boy, plan for your > gastronomic future! Let's put it this way. I'm in my 30s, and I'm rapidly developing a taste for hotter and spicier food. By the time I'm 50, I will be able to eat molten lava, live hornets, and all of Tokyo's nuclear reactors. And when I'm 64, I will be that critter in "Yellow Submarine" who eats the entire scene. Will you still need me, will you still feed me? BURP. > Besides, gurls adore men who are competent cooks. Arriving home from > work to find the table attractively set, a delicious meal ready to > serve, and a fine wine already decanted usually makes a lady's clothes > fall right off. But why would the gay guy care? -- K. And what's the difference between edible underwear and pudding skin? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Allah comes into your bed !!!! Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 19:41:43 -0400 Pablo Rena (celt_sites@yahoo.com.mx) wrote: > > You are lying in your bed, alone, nude ! > > Suddenly and without warning, Allah comes into your bed ! > > What do you do ? I don't want Allah to come into my bed, I want him to come into my... Wait, I think that's already been used on a T-shirt. And also, I don't think that would ever happen, because I'd make him wear a condom so I wouldn't catch any diseases from him. Furthermore, I'd only do it if he did something really nice for me in return, like giving me a mountain of my own, with a solid gold house on top filled with all the bacon I could eat. -- K. And I never lie in my bed nude. I always tell the truth while I'm lying in bed nude. This is a true story. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: highly Kibological sex education via the Three Stooges Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:32:04 -0400 [from www.suntimes.com] -> -> High school students take push for better sex ed to school board -> -> June 1, 2004 -> -> BY BRIAN LEWIS AND MAUDLYNE IHEJIRIKA -> Staff Reporters -> -> Pamela Norris says her high school sex-education class consisted -> of watching Three Stooges movies and coloring. Mine involved watching that "Happy Days" educational film where Tom Bosley told me not to smoke pot. Also the famous "engorged with blood" film. -> "It wasn't really based on sex," complained the student at Curie -> High School on the Southwest Side. What about the episodes where the three of them sleep together in a giant bed? Those had to be based on _something_, and if they're not based on sexual depravity, then I don't know why they made so many of those episodes. Is it possible there was just a misprint in the curriculum and "stages of arousal" came out as "stooges of arousal"? I have to go take a shower now. -> Norris is one of the Curie students enrolled in the Forefront -> Program, a leadership and political-action training course where -> teens each year select an issue to research. This year's issue: -> teen pregnancy. -> -> What the students learned brought a dozen Curie teens to last -> week's monthly meeting of the Chicago Board of Education to -> demand the public schools ditch their current sex ed curriculum -> for one that would stimulate today's sexually aware teens. Must... resist... urge... to bring on... the Dancing Bears of "WINK!!!!!!!!" -> "The sex ed programs don't teach," said 15-year-old sophomore -> Chris Jedrol. "We never even got to the part of the health book -> with the sex ed chapters. Students want to be more involved with -> creating the curriculum." I want to know what sort of health book has all the Three Stooges material in the front. Usually they put that filler in the back so that all the M&M and Prell ads can go in the front. -> State law requires that all public schools touch on AIDS, HIV and -> sexually transmitted diseases in the classroom. Under Title V of -> the 1996 Welfare Reform Act, the law was changed to stress -> abstinence and proper contraceptive use. "Remember, kids, never have sex, and always wear a condom 24 hours a day while never having sex." Is it any wonder the kids just ignore the contradictory propaganda? -> [...] -> -> Armed with survey results and their research, which found teen -> pregnancy on the rise in minority and low-income communities, the -> teens began leaning on Curie Principal Jerryelyn Jones for a more -> informative sex education curriculum, and asked her permission to -> make contraceptives available to Curie students attending prom. -> -> But Jones rejected their request to set up a table in the -> lunchroom where students could get condoms. Especially because the lunchroom needed to save all the condoms for the "vegetable lasagna". -> While she agrees there are inconsistencies in the Chicago Public -> Schools' sex ed curriculum and wants to work with the students to -> create a more uniform sex ed course, Jones said she wasn't -> willing to go as far as offering condoms. -> -> "It wasn't me that was against it. I have to respect the rights -> of all students, including those whose religious beliefs teach -> abstinence," Jones said. Psst: Hey, lady, know those Coke(R) brand vending machines you had installed to make money off the kids? Have you considered _selling_ condoms? That could raise enough money to buy you a pair of pliers so you could remove the rod up your ass. Also, my religious beliefs teach me that all bozo principals should be forced to watch me have sex with the top 100 Victoria's Secret lingerie models and/or Jai from "Queer Eye", whichever is easier to obtain. WHY ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MY RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO HUMILIATE YOU FOR BEING A JERK? -> So the students took their complaints to the school board. -> -> After hearing them out, Board President Michael Scott was -> impressed, and Schools CEO Arne Duncan promised to work with the -> students. -> -> "Forty percent of students are already sexually active by the -> time they get to high school. But when we try to get uniform -> sex ed implemented, many parents come to us and say they want -> it out," Scott told the students. Wasn't "Uniform Sex Ed" one of the Village People? -> "We want to get teens in tune with these issues," Duncan said. -> "So push your parents." Yeah! Go home and convince your parents they shouldn't even try to teach you about the birds and bees! Tell them to let the school do it! Because there is no better way to appreciate the beauty and joyousness of sex than to have a gym teacher show you a filmstrip made in 1972! -- K. You may now advance to the next frame. BEEP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To my drugs Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:03:56 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (Lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Subject: To my drugs > > > > Thank you for killing the migraine so well > > Dear Lots42; > > Your brain wouldn't hate you so much if you didn't feed it such a steady > diet of comic books all the time. It needs some *real* food now and > then. Poke your mind up with a little e.e.cummings. Try some Mark > Twain or some Sylvia Plath (preferably not one after the other, though). Maybe he should start with Daniel Pinkwater and Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut and later work his way up to the hard stuff so his comic-book-addled brain doesn't go all Flaming Carrot on him when he stumbles across the "Halt And Catch Fire" tripwire between his frontal lobes. > Then, if you still have migraines, get your revenge by reading "Atlas > Shrugged". *That'll* put the fear into your brain, right certain. If someone were to mail me a free copy of "Atlas Shrugged" and/or "The Fountainhead" and/or "Interview With A Vampire" I promise I would write a wacky parody of any of those Ayn Rand books, perhaps after reading them, perhaps before. And then you could read my wacky story instead of having to slog through icky Ayn Rand. I might even do this for books that aren't by Ayn Rand, too. Hey, if I can handle her, I can conquer anything. Send me bad books now! You know the address: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 -- K. Include $5 if you would like to be in the story. State your name, age, hobbies, and favorite sports hero. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:45 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants > appeared to have exploded": > -> > -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock > -> > -> The Associated Press > -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM > -> > -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower > -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal, > -> utility officials said. > -> > -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit. > -> > -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he > -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower > -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his > -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said. Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because he might have just come from Denny's. > -> Grisham scaled the fence around the tower about 6:30 a.m. and then > -> started to climb the tower itself, rising 12 to 15 feet before he > -> "received a dose of ... electricity and was knocked to the ground," > -> said police, who were seeking a toxicology report. It might have been that secret new poison electricity the CIA has been developing to be blasted into our faces via cable TV! > -> "Contact with that level of voltage is almost always fatal," > -> Cinergy/PSI spokeswoman Angeline Protegere said. She noted that > -> household voltage is mostly 120 volts. Um... does someone want to explain to the power-company spokeswoman about the difference between volts and volts times amps? I mean, you can make that many volts by just rubbing a kitty's fur backwards, and it won't even kill you, though it might claw you up. > -> Protegere said the shock disrupted power to 6,800 customers. The fence > -> Grisham climbed is 7 feet tall and has three strands of barbed wire on > -> top of it. > -> > -> Protegere said that to the left and right of the spot where he climbed > -> over are "clearly visible signs" saying "Danger/High Voltage." But according to the spokeswoman, high voltage is everywhere, even in our homes, so why should we pay any attention to any signs about it being in other places? We should just label the few things that are safe to touch because they have only 9 volts in them, like stun guns. -- K. Serves him right for having those packets of microwave popcorn in his pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tornados Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:43:49 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > We don't have one of them now, but it _is_ currently hailing, > thunderstorming, and sunshining all at once. The alarm on the church > next door has apparently decided this is an Act of God, so that it > should woop woop woop loudly... Is is the First Church Of Curly, or the Second Church Of The Second Curly Joe? Today we had a nasty cloudburst here which soaked me clear through all my layers of clothing before I even got as far as the bus stop. I wasn't wearing my leathers today, because I knew we were in for some rain. However, it was only lightly sprinkling when I was getting dressed to go out, so I didn't put on my fire-engine red rubberized rainsuit. I only get about two chances a year to wear it, and I just missed one. Fortunately, the rain did not wash all the beautiful dye out of my ugly hair. Where was I? Oh, yes, _you_ live next door to a church. _I_ live across the street from a _basilica_. That's a church that turns you to stone if you look at it. Unless you counteract that effect by allowing the nuns to look at you naked as often as they want, which seems to be a lot. I may have mentioned this twenty or thirty times before, but they're just too damn lazy to come over and ask me to roll my shades down. I wonder if they're the ones making it rain on me. -- K. The nuns probably put all those Al-Qaeda people in my building, too. The nuns know a god who knows Allah personally. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Someone too pervy for England? Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:16:57 -0400 [from reuters.co.uk] -> -> Fetishist banned from hospitals -> Wed 2 June, 2004 21:49 -> -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in -> England and Wales, the NHS says. Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & Battery. -> Unemployed Norman Hutchins, 53, has harassed and abused medical -> staff more than 40 times since January in his quest for surgical -> masks and gowns, a court in York was told. -> -> The court banned him from all private and NHS hospitals and -> doctors' and dentists' offices. The joke here would be so obvious that I won't even describe how obvious the joke that would go here would be if I did describe it so I won't. Nyah. -> Hutchins tried to obtain medical items by feigning illness, or -> claiming to need them for a fancy dress run or an amateur play, -> the Times reported on Wednesday. So he has a surgical-mask fetish but a fear of drugstores and mail-order catalogs? -> "(He has) caused harassment, alarm and distress to NHS staff when -> attempting to obtain gowns and surgical masks in person or on the -> phone," an NHS spokesman said in a statement. Bless the British phone system for being able to send surgical masks through those tiny wires. -> More than 30 local health organisations banned him with civil -> injunctions, but Hutchins kept moving to new areas. -> -> Hutchins' lawyer Harry Bayman said his client "was not a well -> man", but accepted the court's decision. -> -> If he needs medical treatment, Hutchins will be allowed to visit -> hospitals or doctors under strictly controlled conditions or with -> prior written consent. What if he has a fetish for strictly controlled conditions? What if he has a fetish for court injunctions? Will the court rule that no court will ever be allowed to issue an injunction against him? What if he has a fetish for not being allowed to have a fetish? What if he married Bizarro and they had a kid who came out half backwards and half weird? -- K. Were there any episodes where Hot Lips wore her surgical mask at the same time she cracked her whip? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Someone too pervy for England? Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 20:54:59 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has > > -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in > > -> England and Wales, the NHS says. > > > > Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & > > Battery. > > But you can still go to Canadian Tyre! Already got banned from there for asking too many employees if I could sit in the Michelin Man's lap. Apparently you're only allowed to do that eleven times before they tell you to leave. And then there was the incident at Roots, that stuff at Hudson's Bay Trading Company, and of course that unpleasantness with the barbecue sauce at Zellers. Not to mention that the first time I was in Toronto, the Canadian government forbade me from visiting the CN Tower. In fact, the only place in Canada where I'm still permitted is the Alberta Telephone Museum, and it's not even as much fun as it sounds. -- K. Don't get me started on what happened when I dressed up as Tim Horton and went into a doughnut shop with a bloody steering wheel embedded in my face. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8 Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:02:20 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Subject: instant review: spicy hot V8 > > Thoroughly unpleasant. V8 used to have an intermediate flavor, "Picante", which was halfway between regular and "Spicy Hot" V8 -- it basically tasted like tomato juice with vinegar in it, instead of tomato juice with vinegar and a tiny amount of hot pepper in it. I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor. If you want a fun spicy cocktail, get Frank's Chile & Lime flavor hot sauce and drink that right from the bottle. (The Chile & Lime Frank's is a little weaker than regular Frank's, but still has that nice Frank's pepper flavor, plus a little cumin and garlic.) There's also a Lemon V8, which is just plain wrong (lemon plus tomato equals unholy cross-contamination of two fruit juices) and a Calcium Enriched V8, which should be fed to condemned prisoners in lieu of their last meal but only if they killed over 10,000 people. Speaking of hot pepper in cold drinks, for fun try adding just a tiny shot of hot sauce to something like a cold Coke. One or two drops should give the drink a lot more zip for most people. My preferred drink enhancers are as follows: For Coke or Pepsi, hot sauce; for Dr Pepper, synthetic grenadine; for 7-Up or Sprite (if I am forced to drink such things) synthetic blue raspberry syrup. For milk, malt flavored Ovaltine (the yellow jar, the one with the malt but not the chocolate.) -- K. I wonder why I'm suddenly getting thirsty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8 Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:21:05 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick > > to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when > > it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other > > words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor. > > My main problem with it was that somehow the spiciness happily skipped > right over my lips and tongue and landed only upon my esophagus. How in > the name of Holy Kibo, whose personal spiciness quotient knows no > bounds, did they manage that? Hot sauce has two active components -- a flavor you taste with your tongue, and heat that soaks in through any of your nerve endings (lips, throat, stomach, urethra, wherever it gets.) That's why I like Frank's better than Tabasco, because it has both flavor and heat. Something that's just heat with no pleasant flavor, such as Tabasco, is best consumed by gulping it down so it makes you high from your stomach, because it'll make your mouth hurt if you dawdle. Hot sauce in the stomach doesn't produce as much pain as it does in the mouth, but it'll still get you all jazzed up. You'll note that the effect of having it in your stomach isn't just a stomach feeling, but you can get a full-body rush, all those endorphins and what-not. It makes me feel like Godzilla -- huge and looking for things to crush. Frank's and Texas Pete make "extra hot" varieties, which are just their standard sauces plus extra capsaicin -- that gives it a lot more pain with no additional flavor. I prefer the relatively mild sauces (such as regular Frank's, and Frank's Chile & Lime) because I can use them in large quantities to get a lot of heat and a lot of flavor too. (The "extra hot" I do use on things that are going to be baked, like chicken nuggets and pizza, because sauces lose some of their heat when they dry up. The regular sauce is for adding to food after it's cooked.) Hot sauce in a cold beverage stings more than hot sauce in warm food. The spicy V8 isn't all that hot but it does sting a bit. If it's beyond your tolerance, I recommend having some bread or rice or something after you guzzle it as quickly as you can. (Don't sip it slowly, you'll wind up with more pain. Get it down, then have something bland to scrape it off your throat walls.) Whatever you do, don't mix it with Pop Rocks. -- K. That's how Richard Feynman died in Vietnam. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: lobster music Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:24:37 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Zippity zappity > Benjamin Frankalin > Scientist, diplomat, > Of whom we boast > > Lucked out when acting as > Potentiometer: > Toast of the nation, he > Could've been toast. Pervert's Corpse Found In Town Common The Philadelphia Enquirer July 3, 1776 by Button Gannett Philadelphia -- After yesterday's thunderstorm cleared, amid the damp grass of Society Hill, the corpse of a fat naked man was discovered, with a long string tied to his penis. A skeleton key was hanging from the string, and its purpose was a mystery until it was discovered to fit the chastity belt which had been removed and discarded near the pervert. The local constable dispatched a team of urchins to follow the string to find out what was at the other end, and across the Delaware River, a kite was discovered lodged between two crackhouses in Camden. A local man by the name of Gigolo Joe was sent to the roof to retrieve it. Mr. Joe theorizes that perhaps the roasted pervert was attempting to discover whether it was possible to have sex with an electrical appliance, and then Mr. Joe yelled "WINK!!!!" and then the movie managed to get even worse before the ending and then the filler and then the other ending and then the more filler and then the other other ending. No identification was found on the pervert's corpse, although he was carrying a checklist which read: THINGS TO INVENT [X] Post Office [X] library [X] fire department [X] fire insurance [X] fire extortion [X] eyeglasses [X] stove [X] harmonica [X] odometer [X] French fries [X] tofu [ ] swivel chair "DAMN YOU, THOMAS JEFFERSON!" was written below that, and in smaller letters, "Note to self: Find out means to prolong my life until I can screw Diana Rigg at the Hellfire Club. Must end this note now because I have to begin my 'air bath' in time for the fife-and-drum parade to pass by my open window. Oh, my." If anyone has any information as to the identity of the deceased, please contact Independence Hall so we can honor his sexual research by adding his picture to our future paper money even though he will never be a President. -- K. This was a true story, especially the parts about Spielberg's "A.I.", which really did suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:48:18 -0400 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having > fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me. With me, those two events go in the other order. > Thanks you. A/S/L? -- K. Precisely what signs would these be? Will you start dotting your "i"s with little hearts in some horrible perversion of the typewriter font I'm reading this in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 18:07:11 -0400 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > > > > > In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having > > > fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me. > > > > With me, those two events go in the other order. > > I was beginning to wonder if that was what I was missing, but it > apparently wasn't. No heavy objects were involved, at least. But were they thrown at you kindly? That makes all the difference. If they throw them in anger, it's more likely to cause divorce than love. > > > Thanks you. > > > > A/S/L? > > I always read that as "Advanced Squad Leader" and that seems kind of > a strange question. It's short for "Asparagus/Spinach/Leeks?" which is the way nerds ask each other which is their favorite vegetable, among the three nerds like. I would say leeks. > > Precisely what signs would > > these be? Will you start > > dotting your "i"s with little > > hearts in some horrible > > perversion of the typewriter > > font I'm reading this in? > > Well, I was wondering the same thing, actually, except for the bit about > the little hearts, but I think that when I disappear for three months or > so, it may be a sign that I have fallen in love. Of course, it could also > be a sign that I'm dead or bored or that my monitor finally got around to > exploding or all of the above, but still. > It's probably a sign of something, anyway. Maybe your monitor wants to explode because it secretly loves you. By the way, are crushes transitive? That is, if you have a crush on someone, and then a third person develops a crush on you, is there a way you can just step back so that the gap closes up and the third person goes after the other one and you're scot-free of any and all romantic entanglements? -- K. Why are Scots free? I thought they were cheap, not free. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 02:37:55 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Who sings the theme song that plays over the title sequence in > > > the Disney cartoon version of Peter Pan? > > > > "The Jud Conlon Chorus" > > "You're Welcome" > > I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the > way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF? > It's now part of the cool table creed to just not say "OK"? OK, it is now. OK, everyone here at the cool table, never say "OK", OK? > I'm not looking for a Happy Snoopy Dance of acceptance, but several > times questions has been tossed out in to the either - which (after a > properly respectful period) I tossed in a useless (but randomly correct) > answer. Go figure. The answers are actually correct - lord knows why the > questions have been asked, but that's between you and Kibo. Some questions: a) What's the difference between "ether" and "either"? b) What's the difference between a Happy Snoopy Dance and a Happy Hamster Dance? c) What about a Happy Hamster Dance In A Nappy Hamper? d) Why don't you ever answer my _important_ questions instead of ones about Disney cartoons about fictional characters that people liked during the Victorian era back when all literature was designed to encourage pedophilia? e) Speaking of Peter Pan, why do more fictional characters have brands of peanut butter named after them than any other semi-solid colloidal food products? f) Because you are the expert in answering "mildly gay" questions about The Green-Leotard-Wearing Glee Chorus For Men Only, does that make you _extremely_ mildly gay or just _regular_ mildly gay? > You may now proceed with the mocking - Mr. Wilson is particularly > qualified for the most hostile approaches,... You insult me by implying that I can't be as hostile as someone whose idea of putting someone down consists of pointing out that that he teaches at a college. (My idea of putting someone down _also_ consists of pointing out that Kevin teaches at a college, but I also have the power to call people extremely mildly gay, you nearly metrosexual person.) -- K. g) What color are the dancing bears? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:10:30 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > ÂR \\ "More people are killed in cars every day than are > > \\ killed by gay marriages. Why not outlaw cars?" > > Thing is, that's actually a good idea. No way. I don't want to get married and then go jogging down the street with a bunch of tin cans tied to my nuts. I say we allow cars for gay marriages. In fact, make it mandatory -- anyone who wants to drive a car has to have a gay marriage (and not just to the car, Hasselhoff-style.) -- K. I still want to know if it's legal to put the same name in both blanks on the marriage license to marry myself. I'd ask GLAAD but I think they're busy being technical advisors to Horatio Sanz movies. Of course, if it comes to pass that a driver's license requires a gay marriage, it will lead to the creation of GLAAAD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 15:36:53 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the > > way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF? > > Yeah, we have to have our weekly conference on who's cool, whom Seth > should troll mercilessly in the next few days, what colour Kibo should > pretend to dye his hair, that sort of thing. I have to pretend it's brilliant orange right now in order to cover up the fact that I took a job in the orange juice factory where I have to stir the vats with my head. This morning I had a dream that a chick in an amusement park (she operated the log-flume ride, just in case that means anything) complimented me on my hair and beard but insisted I should grow my beard "pointier". She had solid bright reddish-magneta hair... and a full beard. Can someone please say something to me that will make me not be creeped out by this dream? -- K. If I were only pretending to dye my hair, don't you think I'd also be pretending everyone loved it, instead of everyone but the woman who needed my beard pointier? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Denny's in the news Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 16:48:49 -0400 [from www.stltoday.com] -> -> Ex-cook is charged with tainting food -> By William Lamb -> Of the Post-Dispatch -> 06/03/2004 -> -> A former night-shift cook at the Denny's restaurant on Illinois -> Route 3 in Waterloo has been charged with aggravated battery -> after being accused of contaminating food and watching customers -> eat it, authorities said Thursday. -> -> Police said that Anthony J. Lindhorst, 26, of Waterloo, -> deliberately contaminated food on at least two occasions by -> putting his semen into the honey-mustard dressing that the -> restaurant serves with its chicken strips, said Capt. Suzanne -> Sweet of the Waterloo police. The incidents occurred in November -> and April, police said. And then nine months later, a bunch of nuns gave birth to... Wait, that's a different joke. I'll put that back in my filing cabinet of Dirty Jokes About Restaurant Workers Masturbating, which is 49% about how they frost Krispy Kremes, and 49% about how they make the holes in Krispy Kremes, and 1% about what Kurt Vonnegut likes to do with a rolling Krispy Kreme, and 1% about everything else. -> On both occasions, Lindhorst targeted "people that he didn't -> like, for one reason or another," Sweet said. You don't want to know what he gave the people he _did_ like. -> One was a woman in her early 40s. The other victim, Sweet said, -> was a male police officer in his late 20s who had issued -> Lindhorst a traffic ticket. -> -> A judge in Monroe County this week found probable cause for -> Lindhorst to stand trial on four counts of aggravated battery. I thought Denny's chicken strips were breaded, not battered. -> Sweet said that Lindhorst worked at the restaurant for about a -> year until he was fired in April for bringing brownies to work -> that he had baked with marijuana. Lindhorst served the brownies -> to two co-workers and that two of the aggravated battery charges -> stem from that incident, Sweet said. "aggravated"? "Yes, your honor, I put the illegal drugs in their food, and I jerked off into the dipping sauce, but I had an excuse." -> Waterloo police launched an investigation into the incidents on -> May 12 after three witnesses came forward with information, Sweet -> said. Lindhorst was arrested May 17. -> -> Kris Reitz, the Monroe County state's attorney, declined to -> comment on the case Thursday -> -> Lindhorst, who is out on bond, also could not be reached. -> -> In addition to being unpleasant, NO, REALLY? -> Lindhorst's alleged behavior also carries serious health risks, NO, REALLY? -> Sweet said. Both victims have undergone blood tests that so far -> have found no evidence of communicable disease, Sweet said. And even if they had any, they probably would've just caught it from the filthy, disgusting food at Denny's, like millions of other people do. If anything, adding sperm to the recipe probably made it cleaner. And less slimy. But to fix the problem of sperm contamination in their food, Denny's is going to increase the quantity of nonoxynol-9 in the silicone-based lube they fry their food in. And now, some highlights of things I've recently said about Denny's. //////////// RE-RUNS BEGIN HERE, COVER YOUR EYES NOW //////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:46:29 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim > > meals". (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into > > the kosher meals!) > > Yeah, AS IF anything at Denny's would ever be considered kosher, halal, or > paraburnachadranda. It's all soaked in cheap bacon grease that other and > therefore better restaurants would sell to soap makers. I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. The stuff Denny's fries their hash browns (which are neither) in is actually Bac*Os grease, which they make by adding Magic Solution to some magenta Magic Rocks, waiting for them to grow into trees of Bac*Os, then they pour the leftover Magic Solution into a frying pan and drop in the pre-cooked frozen artificial hash browns. Oh, and the frying pan has a little microwave emitter in the bottom. This is why Denny's employees have to wear metal masks. At least that's what the one covered in blood told me. I remember before they changed their name from "Sambo's". (Incidentally, it was allegedly named after their founders, Sam and Bo, but still they obviously had Little Black Sambo as their mascot.) I suspect that diligent historial research would uncover what the restaurants were named before "Sambo's", probably something even more offensive, like "Pauly Shore". I wonder what he's up to... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE? -- K. (insert footage of several toddlers beating the tar out of Pauly Shore while he rolls on the ground and cries. In the background, his chauffeur is holding the limo door open, waiting for him to cease being beaten. This will never happen. The End.) //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE /////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:37:17 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their > > breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat > > opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. > > THIS BACON HAS MULTIPLE SECURITY FEATURES TO PREVENT FORGERY. SORRY > ABOUT THE ALL CAPS, IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY. VOID IN BEDPAN. Please, it was burned _sausages_ they were drawing out of the bedpan to choose who would go to the front lines in that "M*A*S*H" episode. I think you're confusing the "Bacon In A Bottle" segment of "The Special Show" with the "Diaper Burger" segment of "The Special Show" and the "Bee In A Balloon" segment of "The Prisoner (Now With Bees)". Oh, wait, it was a pun. STOP THIS ARTICLE, I HAVE DETECTED A PUN!!!! I MUST REMAKE MY REPLY IN ITS IMAGE!!! Um... bacon pun, bacon pun... pacon bun... bacon in a bedpun... bacon-lax... bacon burlap... echo team delta dinosaur... wox woxwox... glink... um... *** NO BACON PUNS FOUND, USING BACKUP PUN "What do you call a really weak pun?" "I don't know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I want to know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you absolutely, positively, want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I absolutely, positively MUST know what you call a really weak pun!" "PUN-Y! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS!!!!" "I don't get it." "It was a long U!" "An overly-distended inflatable sheep?" "No, I meant... WAAH, YOU CAN SAY PUNS TOO! MY LIFESTYLE IS RUINED!" -- K. (Kibo begins slowly turning the crank that cancels out all puns forever) //////////// RE-RUNS KEEP COMING, BECAUSE YOU WERE BAD ////////////////////// [excerpted from "The Special Show!" for Halloween, 2001] (CUT TO:) ("DENNY'S" sign) (music: perky) NARRATOR (voiceover) It's time for breakfast at Denny's! (Interior of Denny's. A PREPPY MAN and PREPPY WOMAN enter and a WAITRESS meets them.) PREPPY MAN Table for two, please. WAITRESS Smoking or non-smoking? (We see an area of the restaurant where all the tables on the right side of the screen are covered by a thick cloud of cigarette smoke which somehow stays away from the other tables.) PREPPY MAN Non-smoking, please. WAITRESS One-sided table or two? (We see a bunch of normal tables on the right, and some Mobius-strip-shaped ones on the left. A BUSBOY is setting out silverware on one of the flat tables, and he puts some on the top and some on the underside.) PREPPY WOMAN Regular two-sided table, please. WAITRESS And... one Hitler or two? PREPPY MAN & WOMAN (together) Whaaaaaat? WAITRESS (perky) At Denny's, Hitler always eats free! ONE HITLER AND TWO HITLERS (all together) An order of onion rings for everyone! That guy will pay for it! PREPPY MAN No I won't. We're leaving. WAITRESS Shot as you try to escape, or beaten to death? ("DENNY'S" sign) NARRATOR (voiceover) Denny's. There is no escape! //////////// OH MY, MORE RE-RUNS //////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 02:16:47 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Everyone's heard of a college professor who challenges students to prove > that the chair exists. I haven't. However, I just spent the last twenty minutes telling alt.religion.kibology all about my MINT IN BOX INFLATABLE JAR JAR CHAIR when I should have been doing my laundry, but now I'm depressed because you just made me realize that I can't prove it exists because I've never opened the box and thus it could be something else that feels like a big wad of vinyl, like a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. [...] //////////// ONE MORE THEN YOU CAN GO HOME AND CRY ////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:48 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants > appeared to have exploded": > -> > -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock > -> > -> The Associated Press > -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM > -> > -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower > -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal, > -> utility officials said. > -> > -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit. > -> > -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he > -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower > -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his > -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said. Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because he might have just come from Denny's. [...] //////////// RE-RUNS END HERE, BUT ONLY 'TIL MIDNIGHT /////////////////////// And that last one was posted just three days ago! And now, three days later, we have actual documented newspaper evidence that Denny's puts spooge in their sauce, just as I almost implied! -- K. And then there's Arby's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 19:15:13 -0400 In ne.general, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > Where around the web would there be the texts or extracts of the > O'Neil play... > The Iceman Cometh > > and the Eugene O'Neil short story... > Tomorrow > ? Every fiber of my being is resisting the urge to bring out ten million glowing, sparkling, rainbow-colored dancing bears blowing giant tubas that spew out banners that read "GO TO THE FUCKING LIBRARY, DON!" followed by an anteater holding up a little sign saying "Or at least go to www.google.com and type in 'How do I find www.google.com?'" Don, I've formulated a theory that you have never even been in the Boston Public Library and your constant blathering about the BPL and Bernie Margolis is just disinformation to keep us from realizing that you're not allowed to cross the street, let alone willing to walk into a whole building that has doors and stuff. I challenge you to prove me wrong -- tell us something that only someone who's ever been inside the Boston Public Library could know. I daaaaaare you. -- K. In fact, I was having lunch with BPL President Bernie Margolis just yesterday and he said he'd never heard of you, no matter how many different ways I described you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 06:33:37 -0400 [in response to a challenge to Don to prove he's ever been in the library his life allegedly revolves around] In ne.general and alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@gnu.org) wrote: > > Not thinking Thinking > Don't make me think Thinks that make us think > Obvious Requires thought > .... Milliseconds of thought > .... .... > .... .... Either you're trying to tell me you haven't actually been to the Boston Public Library, or else you're trying to say it would be a big mistake for me to pick you as my partner for "The $25,000 Pyramid". Fortunately, I think Dick Clark said that if I ever travel back in time to be on his show, I'll be paired with Skip Stephenson or possibly Valerie Bertinelli, so I should do fine. Now, Don, either build me a time machine or tell us some detail of the interior of the Boston Public Library which will demonstrate you've ever been in there -- and it doesn't count if you just spent all day stuck going around and around in the revolving door. You could FedEx me a Polaroid of you holding up today's newspaper attached to those big wooden sticks that mark it as an official library newspaper. I'd buy that as evidence, provided you could also prove you don't have lots of those big wooden sticks around your home. Come to think of it, forget that idea, because I imagine you have hundreds of those, and keep your learner's permit and boxer shorts and cat permanently clamped into them. Tell you what. Just steal any book from the library and send it to me. Then I'll tell everyone you're a good user of the library. Note: I just got "Clean Needle Technique" by Belluomini so please don't make it that book. Thank you for your cooperation. -- K. I could also use the widescreen DVD of "Barbarella" as long as you're out shoplifting for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: McDonalds Statues Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:39:17 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So...anyone remember those statues outside of McDonalds, with > Ronald McDonald sitting with one leg across the other? Yes, they're still around. It's de rigeur for anyone with a photoblog to pose with one of those. Unless, of course, the blogger in question is Ronald McDonald, in which case he has to pose with PETA or Greenpeace cutting off his head with a giant chainsaw or something. I put my arm around a Ronald McDonald once, but it was only one of those statues so that hardly counts as touching a clown. > Since they created a big hole in his lap, more then one kid has > gotten his head stuck in said hole. Wonder what happened to the > statues. Since obviously they dumped 'em. Didn't they? If you had even a quarter pound of compassion, you'd be asking what happened to the _kids_. OH MY GOD, McSOYLENT NUGGETS ARE... eh, I'm bored. Going to the mall now. -- K. Ronald's just not as huggable as Bibendum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological job? Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:56:20 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > In Dallas, there is a Courtesy Patrol that drives the freeways, > helping motorists with problems like flat tires, overheated engines > and such. > > Well, on the way to work one day, I was driving behind one of their > pickup trucks. Traffic was slow, and I could read the lettering on the > tailgate. > > It said: > > "State of Texas Courtesy Patrol" > "Enforcement Division" > > Now, this just seems odd to me. What are they enforcing? Courtesy? Are > they dressed all in leather, with armored gloves, floggers and an > eagerness to bring courtesy to the masses? It's like if Captain Kangaroo's rank wasn't merely honorary. Y'all call him "Captain Sir", y'hear? Else he's gonna teach you some politeness, and if there are any Ping-Pong balls involved, there's gonna be a bunny-floggin'. > If so, it sure isn't working, judging from the other drivers out here... I take it you've never visited Boston. When you do, bring several hundred of those squishy stress balls. You'll shred at least three just making that turn at Beacon & Arlington in front of "Cheers". And don't even ask about getting out of the airport parking garage with your original blood pressure. -- K. It's not an "eagerness", it's a moral obligation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological job? Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:48:10 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I take it you've never visited Boston. > > Non-driver that he is, Kibo knows of what he speaks. Hell, yes. This is one reason I don't drive. Boston's traffic scares the hell out of me. > I learned to drive in Dallas. In comparison, I find New York City > driving to be pretty much like sleepwalking, and Boston driving to be > more akin to trying to jump onto the spinning merry-go-round while > the class bullies in the middle of it hurl rocks and rotting fruit at you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Boston's drivers are far more evil than New York's. In New York's, you have aggressive skilled drivers competing with you. In Boston, you have very aggressive _bad_ drivers competing with you and/or caroming off your car as if the other drivers are imitating chimps playing video games. Boston's drivers are the ones which accelerate towards pedestrians, speed up when it rains, and, of course, make left turns through red lights without slowing down. I am so glad we have a pretty good public-transit system. Taxis are plentiful, too, but only if you're white. You don't have to go too far outside Boston to discover that the assholishness of drivers here isn't an East Coast thing, but a Boston- specific thing. Even just going as far as Salem will reward you with the sight of drivers who are courteous to other drivers and pedestrians. New York is an anomalous pocket of people who all drive like taxi drivers, while Boston is an enclave of people who drive like crazy morons. -- K. And let's not forget the Boston-area tradition of drivers getting "intersection narcolepsy" on the weekend. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:03:18 -0400 [...on the book "Naked Lunch"...] Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > My version is newer and faster -- you can pick up everything in one > pass. Reading shouldn't be like using a crappy vacuum cleaner, where > you go over and over the same spot and still miss half the junk that's > down there. When people read Usenet, they expect it to suck harder > than that. You want Usenet to suck harder than "Naked Lunch"? Get real! The rest of us are up to wanting Usenet to suck harder than Ayn Rand going down on Bucky Fuller... as described by Ian Fleming. Now that's literary suction. By the way, the offer still stands: Mail me any Ayn Rand book and I'll make fun of it, somewhere, somehow, or die trying. And I promise to include a line about "Ayn Rand" almost being an anagram of "Dynagirl" so that Sid & Marty Krofft can be involved, because Ayn Rand and the Bugaloos are two great tastes that go great together here in this Bizarro world called life. -- K. I am determined to prove I can write as awkwardly as her. But first, BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tight! Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:59:16 -0400 "Polyglot" (denisNOSPAMfree@msn.com) wrote: > > I charge money to teach Grammar / Tech Writing . And that's why you'll never be rich, Mr. "I put spaces before my periods" Glot. > When your cheque (check) arrives, I'll explain, otherwise if you are > having grammar / comprehension problems just ask a young child. Maybe you should ask Groucho Marx to help you tell his joke, kiddo. > I thought I had kept it simple enough for you. Apparently I didn't. "Kept" doesn't need the past perfect tense, unless you are implying that your words sometimes become more complicated after you say them. You're welcome, and fatuous. -- K. Oh, and with regard to you showing off that you know both the British and American spellings of three or four words? You're an arsehole, asshole. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 23:40:25 -0400 MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > I can only experience so much schadenfreude. > > Okay let's see how much pain you can experience... I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me. -- K. I think the upper limit of "how much pain you can experience" would be something involving a tiny AM radio implanted in your head playing Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" forever and ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:49:08 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me. > > By the way, speaking of sleep, Kibo, and sadism, I had this dream last > night (or actually, earlier this morning) in which Kibo went to a > party in the neighborhood where Boston's mayor lives and he had to > bring several thousand dollars in cash with him as part of a court > order stemming from an early-1990s incident in which he made the > previous mayor of Boston injure himself by headbutting a thick metal > open-ended wrench [...] I don't even remember who the previous mayor was before Menino and his ten photo-ops a day. I can't remember his name, but I do remember that his son once partied with my college roommates using his father's re-election campaign's credit card. Also one of them said his son had "a warped head" due to an incident with a baseball cap. > Then there was a flashback so we could see what Kibo did to the > previous mayor. You see, Kibo was hired to perform as a comedy > magician at some sort of charity event where the mayor was the guest > of honor. Kibo used the mayor as the volunteer for various tricks, > winning the mayor's confidence with tricked gadgets like one of those > "finger chopper" things where the blade is pulled down and cuts a > bunch of things but leaves the victim's fingers unscathed. So now > that the mayor was convinced that everything Kibo was doing was a > harmless trick, Kibo started telling the audience about how the mayor > was a martial-arts expert and not only could he break boards with his > head, he could even break thick metal wrenches with his head! Kibo > set up a couple of vises to hold the wrench horizontally from both > ends and told the mayor to impress everybody by breaking the wrench > with his head. The mayor, thinking it was a tricked wrench because > Kibo had deviously gained his confidence, compliantly bashed his head > against the wrench and injured himself horribly. This was what Kibo > had been planning all along. Devious. Fiendish. It's one of those "This is so obviously dangerous that it _must_ be a trick and not just me smashing my head against a giant crescent wrench for no reason" tricks that is a different sort of trick altogether. That was before I got a concussion of my own and vowed to never do this sort of thing to the mayor again, unless it's Mayor McCheese, in which case I'm going to bean him with my spot-welder. > Thus, Kibo was required by court order to bring a bunch of money in > cash paper bills whenever he went to a neighborhood where the current > or former mayor was. The dream flashed back forward to the present > and we saw that Kibo had brought a large empty guitar case with him > and he tossed his bound stacks of $100 bills into the open guitar case > on the floor so the money would be readily visible if any officers of > the court came by to make sure Kibo was complying with the court > order. Don't stop there! What happened next? I demand you take a nap right _now_ and finish this dream! And where the hell did I get this money? Tell me so I can go get more! Do it or I'll make you taste a croissant of steel! -- K. I have been meaning to practice breaking boards with my hands. No, really. It's not like it's hard or anything, it's just physics, like pinball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: beetle Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:01:02 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > there is a beetle on my desk > > I have the power to crush him any time I want. > > Right now he's getting to live because I'm not deciding to do that. I order you to crush him. -- K. I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: David Hasselhoff, RIP. Or DUI. I forget which acronym is funnier. Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:25:50 -0400 [from msnbc.msn.com -- note: not the Knight-Ridder News Service] -> -> Hasselhoff arrested on suspicion of DUI -> -> Ex-'Baywatch' star underwent alcoholism treatment in '02 -> -> Updated: 10:23 a.m. ET June 07, 2004 -> -> LOS ANGELES - David Hasselhoff was arrested over the weekend on -> suspicion on driving while intoxicated, police said Monday. Anyone who's ever watched TV knows that David Hasselhoff _never_ drives. His shiny black life partner drives him around while he just sits back and sculpts his hair into exciting new Jell-O mold shapes. -> The former "Baywatch" star was arrested late Saturday night on -> Ventura Boulevard in the Encino section of the San Fernando Valley, -> said Officer Sara Faden, a police spokeswoman. He was released -> the next morning. ...when his car smashed through the wall of the jail cell and killed eighty-seven people in order to spring him so he could go hunt down the real drunk driver -- his evil twin brother he never knew he had. David Hasselhoff shall once again prove that all life's problems can be solved by pushing the "Turbo Boost" button twice an episode. FWOOOOOOOM! FWOOOOOOOOOOOOM! -> No further details were immediately available. -> -> In 2002, Hasselhoff checked himself into the Betty Ford Center -> for treatment of alcoholism. -> -> The 51-year-old actor is best known for portraying lifeguard -> Mitch Buchannon in the long-running "Baywatch" TV series. He also -> starred in the 1980s television show "Knight Rider." Let's not forget him as the guy who usurps Marjoe Gortner's role halfway through "StarCrash". -- K. And what about "David Hasselhoff Presents The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"? I remember that special. Or at least I remember that it had a title. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lousy mood today Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:51:47 -0400 I'm in a lousy mood. I want to pull the wings off people. Someone post something to cheer me up. Do something funny. Dig up Margaret Dumont so you can hit her with a pie or something. Rhubarb makes a good throwin' pie, especially in the hands of a chimp on a tricycle. Or just figure out a way that a chimp can give a robot a wedgie. -- K. How about a robot made out of pies hurling himself at Margaret Dumont? The robot could be built by the chimp.