From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Answer to yesterday's puzzle. Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:27:30 -0400 The answer to yesterday's puzzle is: The Hamburger Helper is the most rancid. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new orleans Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 01:32:54 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They should sell those dried scrabled eggs > ^^^^^^^^ > Man, I *so* want to play Scrabble with you. IN YOUR DREAMS! ... AND MINE! By the way, speaking of bad food we all love, today I ate at Taco Bell, and I'm going to stop. Used to be when you asked for tacos "without cheese", you got tacos without cheese. Now, they have this new policy that you can ask for your tacos "fresco", which means that instead of cheese they put on dairy-flavored Elmer's glue and pink tomato cubes. So if you ask for "without cheese", they assume you mean "fresco" and put extra gunk on just because you asked for fewer toppings. Also, I think there might a layer of "fresco" at the bottom of the Obvious Bag where it is indistinguishable from wet plaster mixed with finger paint. Also while I was at the mall I bought two pairs of sunglasses. My first sunglasses! Now, instead of just looking cool, I look WAY TOO COOL! I'm expecting the President to personally pass a Constitutional amendment to make it illegal to be this cool because I look too cool for anyone to have to look at. -- K. And just to make the Scrabble game closer to fair, I'll wear my sunglasses while I play. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:01:53 -0400 [from The Boston Globe, via www.boston.com] -> -> MBTA set to begin passenger ID stops -> Effort part of national rail security program -> By Mac Daniel, Globe Staff | May 22, 2004 Incidentally, in Boston, newspapers always call the subway system "the MBTA", while everyone else calls it "the (T)", because all the signs say "(T)". I think they added the "M", the "B", and the "A" because they forgot to call dibs on "www.t.com". -> MBTA transit police confirmed yesterday they will begin stopping -> passengers for identification checks at various T locations, -> apparently as part of new national rail security measures following -> the deadly terrorist train bombings in Spain. Okay, I'm all in favor of cracking down on those evil terrorists. -> Although officials would release few details about the initiative, -> the identity checks will mark the first time local rail and subway -> passengers will be asked to produce identification and be -> questioned about their activities. Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. -> Officers have been training for the security checks since May 11, -> transit officials said. MBTA Police Deputy Chief John Martino -> confirmed via e-mail yesterday that officers have been training -> with State Police at South Station this week. Mental note: Avoid South Station until I stop looking, acting, and dressing like a perfectly innocent suspicious character. By the way, at the moment, I have bleach-blond hair, and an orange beard that matches my new orange-coated mirrorshades. I'm currently trying to decide whether I should dye my hair black and shave the beard back to a goatee (for a traditional leatherman look) or do the bright-orange thing again. The orange mirrorshades would work nice and evil with either color hair. -> T spokesman Joe Pesaturo said the State Police involved in the -> training were from Troop F at Logan International Airport, where -> such identification checks have been taking place since about a -> year after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Short shameful confession: I have never seen an episode of "F Troop", though when I was a kid for some reason I owned a "Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids" comic book where the cover illustration was them camping out on a tenement rooftop in a tent that had "F Troop" written on it. I didn't find it funny then and I don't find it funny now and I suspect that if I were to try to watch "F Troop" it would somehow manage to make the comic book even less funny. (I remember nothing about the contents of the comic book, just the insipid cover referencing an old TV show about camping.) -> Pesaturo wouldn't say where or when the identification stops would -> take place, or how long they would last. Well, guys, if I suddenly disappear for six to ten years, now we'll know how long they're sending suspicious cool dudes to (T) jail. -> "The training is part of the MBTA's overall plan for enhancing -> safety and security for the hundreds of thousands of people who use -> our system every day," Pesaturo wrote in the e-mail. "Law -> enforcement personnel are being trained to detect whether a -> person's or persons' actions are an indication of any level of risk -> or threat to the transit system . . . and to then take appropriate -> steps based on the observed behavior. Uh oh. If they ever catch me photographing another interestingly-mangled orange cone, I'm going to get beaten to death with my own camera in order to preserve the integrity of the transit system and its carefully-arranged battered orange cones lurking in the shadows of the subway system. -> "If the MBTA did not do everything it can to protect transit users, -> it would be a dereliction of our duties and responsibilities as -> public servants," he added. How about detaining _all_ the people who attempt to ride the (T) and then deporting them so that nobody can ride the (T) and therefore nobody will ever get hurt on the (T)? -> Ann Davis, Northeast regional spokeswoman for the federal -> Transportation Security Administration, refused to confirm that -> T's ID checks are part of a new national rail security program -> announced Thursday by federal officials. Those new security -> initiatives are scheduled to start tomorrow, in response to -> terrorist train bombings in Madrid that killed 191 and injured -> 2,000. And I bet they're scheduled to end about ten minutes after the Democratic party's convention here does. -> "We don't want to map out for potential terrorists how we intend to -> protect the rails," she said. "Therefore, we're intentionally obfuscating the (T) map. The subway system has been changed from a big 'X' to a schwa interlocked with a Lissajous figure in the most confusingly erotic manner possible." -> Concerns about threats to the nation's rail system have risen since -> ABC News reported a pattern of suspicious activities along the rail -> corridor between Washington, D.C., and New York. The report said -> New Jersey's attorney general is investigating at least seven -> instances in the last week of suspected surveillance along the New -> Jersey Transit commuter lines leading into Philadelphia, Trenton, -> and New York. -> -> FBI agents in Philadelphia are also investigating the discovery of -> an infrared sensor concealed along the track bed of a Southeast -> Pennsylvania Transportation Authority rail line. -> -> The State Police officers based at Logan who are instructing T -> police have been trained in "behavior pattern recognition" in order -> to identify potential terrorists. This would presumably be the same officers at Logan airport who asked me what I was doing because the sign gave the patent registration number for the "Musical Floor Reminder System" and I was writing it down to tell you people, except that if I did it now I'd probably get the electric chair... the electric chair that plays two bars of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" over and over. -> According to past interviews with Logan's primary security -> consultant, Rafi Ron, former head of security at Ben-Gurion Airport -> in Israel, such a program helps avoid accusations of racial -> profiling and is based on the behavior of those stopped. -> Logan was the first American airport at which the method was used. I see, so people aren't getting stopped because of their skin color or their ethnic background but only because they're _acting_ foreign. I CURSE MY EXOTIC WELSH PATRILINEAGE!!! -> Martino said "we do not racially profile and do not consider that -> someone is suspicious because they appear to be Middle Eastern or -> that they are not suspicious if they don't appear to be." Bring on The Dancing Bears Of... Oh, I just don't care any more. Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps on the steps of the State House I would have run up to him and given him a big hug just to make him cry, but this week I can barely muster the energy to either find out what happens if I ride the subway without a passport or bring out The Dancing Bears Of Whatever. -> The expansion of identity checks to rail and subway passengers has -> raised concerns among civil rights advocates about what is gained -> through such stops and whether they are truly random. "This is a truly random stop! We're going to cover you with squid guts and nail you to a zeppelinm underwater! And if that's not random enough, we're going to make you eat a Bart Simpson doll except for his shorts!" -> Last October, State Police at Logan stopped Lylburn King Downing, -> the national coordinator of the American Civil Liberties Union's -> Campaign Against Racial Profiling -- and an African-American -- -> who was ordered out of the airport after he refused to answer an -> officer's questions during an identification check. The trouble I always have with the haphazard security assholes at places like airports, border crossings, (and soon subways) is that I answer truthfully and then they tell me that wasn't good enough and I must be lying, so I answer truthfully and they yell at me that I'm lying, and we go around like this for several minutes until they decide to check my laptop computer for any evidence that Etienne Rouette is my girlfriend. -> The American Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts has since -> sought more information about the policies of Massachusetts Port -> Authority and State Police governing such searches, but ACLU -> officials say they have had little cooperation from either agency. Let's see if I can make the ACLU interact with the MBTA one letter at a time: ACLU ACLUE A_CLUE CLUE GLUE MDMA MBTA Nope, didn't work, I couldn't figure out a way to get from MDMA to MBTA without cheating. I wish this were easier, like changing MBTA to BATMAN. I should do that because the MBTA would be less ridiculous if they were BATMAN. -> "About a year ago they admitted they were using training based on -> an Israeli security model of behavioral profiling or selection -> which they declined to either explain or to otherwise amplify what -> it means," said John Reinstein, legal director for the ACLU of -> Massachusetts. "We asked for the records and they said that's no -> longer a public record because anything that has to do with -> security is no longer a public record." Linus's blue blankie shall hereby be erased from all "Peanuts" strips. -> (c) Copyright 2004 Globe Newspaper Company. And it still is, even though I just plagiarized it. So we're both happy. -- K. When they do random suspicious-person-interrogations on the subway, are they going to search my briefcase for illegal sex toys and/or half- finished alt.religion.kibology where I deny owning any 18" illegal sex toys? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 01:29:07 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I'm screwed. There's little chance I'll ever be able to > > satisfactorily answer questions about my activities. Especially > > the ones involving the set of sixteen keyed-alike padlocks. > > Tell them the truth. Name names, and make sure the names are > politically affiliated. Will you still love me if I have Etienne Rouette arrested by whatever the Quebecois equivalent of police is? > > Last week I felt like enough of an activist that if I had run into > > The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps > > Gah. Will someone please tell him to stop existing already? I was hoping that might spontaneously happen if I wrapped my arms around him and whispered something like "Mmm, you hug even better than my boyfriends." (Okay, so there would have been a few little white lies in that sentence. But it would be worth it just to hear the "GAAAAAAAACK" noise that would come out of him.) -- K. Hugs bugs dead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Obviously I'm about to be "disappeared"... Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:54:23 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Why is it all the crazy seems to start in Boston? To make up for the fact that all the _good_ stuff has started in this area too, ranging from democracy and the American Revolution all the way up to full legal equality for your gay and lesbian friends. Everything good about the American way of life was invented either in Boston or Philadelphia. (And Philadelphia smells funny so on the whole, I'd rather be in Boston.) This city (and state) is absolutely insane, but sometimes that's good. There's a reason I live here and not in, say, Los Angeles or Las Vegas. Those are cities which are crazy in a way which would drive me crazy. A lot of Boston's crazy comes from a bloated sense of self-importance (it's really not that big a city -- it's a city of great historical significance because of stuff that happened here over 200 years ago, but it hasn't realized that it's no longer such hot stuff) and from the way the real wackos here somehow manage to get elected to high offices (we currently have a Republican Mormon governor! How the hell did that happen in Massachusetts?) I do keep fantasizing about living in Ottawa or Edmonton or one of those other Canadian cities where the prevailing attitude of the other people is "We don't care what the hell you do, we're going to keep being nice to you because we like interesting people, now have some cheap pork products, and don't bother learning French." I find that friendly, relaxed, accepting attitude of most of Canada (outside Toronto, which is more like an American city) quite pleasant, and the prices are cheap, and the crime's low, and hockey is plentiful, but I don't have any real reason to want to leave the United States. Because of that screwy new policy of the police randomly doing identity checks on the subway, last night I had to make the decision "Do I knuckle under and start carrying an ID card all the time, or do I make more trouble for myself just for the privilege of saying 'I don't carry an ID, I don't own an ID, I don't need an ID, I don't want an ID, so fuck you!'?" Seriously, if I get stopped and asked for an ID, I will say something like that, and they will try hard to make me squirm, maybe make me sit in front of a guy who interrogates me across a desk for an hour, and I won't give in, because I know that absolutely nothing will come of it. If they're going to try to play power games with people over something as inconsequential as a laminated plastic card, they're going to find out that no matter how trivial the MacGuffin in question is, some of us won't bow to uniformed bullies. (I'm sure they expect some troublemakers and protesters and habitual contrarians like me, but I also figure the police expect to get their way by yelling at people and threatening them, but I know they can't make me change my pattern of behavior by just yelling at me. Worst they can do is boot me off the train and then I'll have to ride the next one seven minutes later.) And eventually, it'll all boil down to nothing happening to me, the policy will be dropped at election time, and everyone will forget any of this craziness ever happened. I'm going to ride this out and wait for them to shift to a different type of crazy. -- K. The big question is, should I demand a refund of my $1.25 token if I get kicked off the subway for not having a driver's license? And should I point out to them that there are an awful lot of people driving around without driver's licenses and maybe they should work on that before they require a driver's license to ride the subway? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie for Kibo Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:06:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Old Boy, dir. Chan Wook Park, South Korea, 2003 > > A man is locked in a room with only a television for 15 years. Once he is > released his goal in life is to find the person who put him in that > position and kill him in the slowest and most painful way possible. a) Why would he be mad about that? b) No toilet? c) Why did they lock him in? d) Why did they let him out? e) Was he allowed to change the channel? f) Did he have a remote so he could do it from across the room? g) Couldn't he unplug the TV? h) Why is it that every time I pop a zit I suddenly feel thirsty? Okay, the last one's really more of an acupressure question, but I figure there must be somebody here who knows a lot about acupressure even if they haven't seen the movie about Peter Sellers being locked in a room with a TV. -- K. And it showed nothing but Ben Stiller on trial for killing his twin brother. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 00:24:46 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > How many times have you heard about an authority figure, such as > a school principal, doing something terribly illegal/immoral or so on? > You get pissed off at the guy and hope he gets punished...but you never > quite hear that he does. Okay, I volunteer to fix this. I'll pack some paddles and clamps. > Maybe if you're lucky, you see a followup blurb buried on page 17 of > D section. > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > find out. Oh. I thought you were talking about something fun, not reading. Curse you for taking all the joy out of the American educational system. -- K. So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that just says "Use Google"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:03:04 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] if my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, > > search for 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out > > what happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > > plastic toy guns to school. > > Lots, if you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to have the police > show up at your school because of reports from hysterical parents that > they saw a kid with a gun going into the school you wouldn't consider > this one of those idiotic situations you want a follow up on. This is > especially fun when the parent can only describe the kid vaguely, so > you have to shake down at least a quarter of the student body to find > out if there really is a danger of someone getting shot. Yeah. All the guns in school are supposed to be kept locked up in that big weapons cabinet in the Teacher's Lounge, right next to the liquor cabinet and the massage table. > If you want to know what happens when the assistant principal > confiscates those new shock pens that the ice cream men are selling > these days from a student, I can save you a google search. Every > staff member who passes through the AP's office is asked to sign or > take notes on something fishy sounding and then handed a pen from the > AP's desk when caught without one of his or her own. I discovered those at the mall a couple weeks ago. As someone who is quite familiar with what electric shocks of various kinds feel like, my reaction was "This is one of the worst practical joke items ever," partly because the shocks were pretty damn big for something to be sold to children (as in, if held right, the pen was pretty painful to me -- now imagine a little kid reacting to this, probably would wind up crying and traumatized) and in any case so many people are absolutely terrified of the idea of receiving even a "joke" electrical shock that this is one novelty item that's guaranteed to make many of your friends refuse to ever have anything to do with you again. I had safety concerns, too, both of the "What if someone presses this to their chest?" variety as well as the "How will the paramedics get it out of the brat's throat after he tries using it on the wrong person?" variety. Incidentally, the palm of the hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body (but obviously not _the_ most sensitive) to electrical shocks. When testing out a toy like that, try it on your forearm or thigh if you want it to hurt less (or use the sole of your foot if you're expecting a really big shock.) Oh, and for things that make big sparks (not the pen, but things that put out ozone) remember that they actually hurt _less_ on bare skin than through clothes (clothes enforce a spark gap.) And never, ever create a hand-to-hand electrical pathway (or send current through the chest, neck, or head, except under certain very special circumstances) -- I would worry about handing something like that "joke" pen to someone and merely _assuming_ they wouldn't for some reason press the button while holding it with both hands and then dying in an only marginally hilarious way. It's a practical joke that's only as unsafe as an exploding cigar. > Now if you really had an interesting bone in your body, you would be > more likely to be asking about the school administrator who was > personally checking to make sure the "no thong underwear" rule was > being followed by all girls at a certain school. Why would girls be wearing it? You can only buy "no thong" underwear from the International Male catalog. Girls wouldn't be able to keep the front (and only) half in place because there would be nothing to put the rubber band around. -- K. Remember how they used to electrocute the studio audience's asses on "Let's Make A Deal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:43 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] if my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, > > search for 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out > > what happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > > plastic toy guns to school. > > Lots, if you only knew what a pain in the ass it is to have the police > show up at your school because of reports from hysterical parents that > they saw a kid with a gun going into the school you wouldn't consider > this one of those idiotic situations you want a follow up on. This is > especially fun when the parent can only describe the kid vaguely, so > you have to shake down at least a quarter of the student body to find > out if there really is a danger of someone getting shot. Yeah. All the guns in school are supposed to be kept locked up in that big weapons cabinet in the Teacher's Lounge, right next to the liquor cabinet and the massage table. > If you want to know what happens when the assistant principal > confiscates those new shock pens that the ice cream men are selling > these days from a student, I can save you a google search. Every > staff member who passes through the AP's office is asked to sign or > take notes on something fishy sounding and then handed a pen from the > AP's desk when caught without one of his or her own. I discovered those at the mall a couple weeks ago. As someone who is quite familiar with what electric shocks of various kinds feel like, my reaction was "This is one of the worst practical joke items ever," partly because the shocks were pretty damn big for something to be sold to children (as in, if held right, the pen was pretty painful to me -- now imagine a little kid reacting to this, probably would wind up crying and traumatized) and in any case so many people are absolutely terrified of the idea of receiving even a "joke" electrical shock that this is one novelty item that's guaranteed to make many of your friends refuse to ever have anything to do with you again. I had safety concerns, too, both of the "What if someone presses this to their chest?" variety as well as the "How will the paramedics get it out of the brat's throat after he tries using it on the wrong person?" variety. Incidentally, the palm of the hand is one of the most sensitive parts of the body (but obviously not _the_ most sensitive) to electrical shocks. When testing out a toy like that, try it on your forearm or thigh if you want it to hurt less (or use the sole of your foot if you're expecting a really big shock.) Oh, and for things that make big sparks (not the pen, but things that put out ozone) remember that they actually hurt _less_ on bare skin than through clothes (clothes enforce a spark gap.) And never, ever create a hand-to-hand electrical pathway (or send current through the chest, neck, or head, except under certain very special circumstances) -- I would worry about handing something like that "joke" pen to someone and merely _assuming_ they wouldn't for some reason press the button while holding it with both hands and then dying in an only marginally hilarious way. It's a practical joke that's only as unsafe as an exploding cigar. > Now if you really had an interesting bone in your body, you would be > more likely to be asking about the school administrator who was > personally checking to make sure the "no thong underwear" rule was > being followed by all girls at a certain school. Why would girls be wearing it? You can only buy "no thong" underwear from the International Male catalog. Girls wouldn't be able to keep the front (and only) half in place because there would be nothing to put the rubber band around. -- K. Remember how they used to electrocute the studio audience's asses on "Let's Make A Deal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 11:23:55 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > But a lot of google research and too much time and you could probably > > > find out. > > > > So your "Website Idea For Stealing" is to put up a Web site that > > just says "Use Google"? > > No. I was saying that you -could- waste time using google. But if > my fantasy (Fnaaarrr!) website existed, you could say, search for > 'principal' and 'suspension' and 'toy guns' and find out what > happened to all the school kids suspended for bring two inch > plastic toy guns to school. And it would be covered with ads for Soylent Green, right? -- K. It would be like that site that has all the photos of the cosmonauts who got mysteriously changed into blurry gaps between other people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Website Idea For Stealing Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:42 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Here's what I got out of it. There's something called a shock pen, > > which, I'm guessing, gives the user a mild shock. The assistant > > principal confiscates them and then tricks staff members into using them. > > I really hope that is not the case. Such things are illegal among adults. You must be a lot of fun at the Museum of Science. "Stop touching that Van de Graaf generator! It's illegal to make hair stand up!" > Plus, it's disturbing that an assistant principal of a high school can > be so depraved Are you saying I can never be an assistant principal? If so, that's discrimination, and I'm going to have the ACLU get medieval on your ass. With a really big shock pen. -- K. I bet you're not even praved, let alone depraved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 01:44:15 -0400 News flash! "Christians" are hoping to set up a gay-free state! Direct from the front page of www.ChristianExodus.com: -> -> ChristianExodus.org has been established to coordinate the move of -> 50,000 or more Christians to a single conservative state in the -> U.S. for the express purpose of reestablishing constitutional -> governance. It is evident that our Constitution has been abandoned -> under our current federal system. The efforts of Christian -> activism have proven futile over the past five decades and, whereas -> desperate times require desperate measures, we are now in the most -> desperate of times. The federal government is considering whether -> marriage, the foundation of civilization since Creation, should be -> reserved solely to a man and a woman. Christians must now draw a -> line in the sand and unite in a sovereign state to dissolve our -> bond with the current union comprised as the United States of America. Maybe you guys should try Hawaii. You could separate it from the rest of the USA by just cutting some undersea phone cables. -> [...] -> -> ChristianExodus.org is orchestrating the move of 50,000 or more -> Christians to one of three States for the express purpose of -> dissolving that State's bond with the union. The three States -> under consideration are Alabama, Mississippi and South Carolina. -> The exact destination will be chosen by vote of our membership. -> Our move will commence when the federal government forces sodomite -> marriages on our local communities or once we reach the -> 50,000-member mark, whichever comes first. Um, geniuses, there are already at least 50,000 Christians in _every_ state. Also, I think there are probably 50,000 gay Christians in every state. -> Stand Up and Be Counted -> -> It is time Christians take effective action. We must fulfill our -> responsibility to stand for God's laws in the face of evil. -> Christians around the globe are persecuted in unimaginable ways for -> their faith; will we not at the least move to a new home where we -> can protect children from homosexual predators and the -> abortionist's knife? And don't forget abortionists' coat hangers. Hey, that would be another good motto for your new state: "NO WIRE HANGERS, EVERRRRRR!" -> Is moving too great a sacrifice for the ministry of God? -> -> If you are tired of government-endorsed sin, then stand up and be -> counted! For more information on this effective strategy or to -> join, click here. Okay, I did... Here's what I was told to think at Commitment Level Two: -> I hereby declare my solemn intent to move to the sovereign State -> chosen by our membership if homosexual marriage is legalized in my -> state.Ê Once there, I will vote in lock step with my Christian -> compatriots to dissolve our StateÕs association with theUnited States -> of America.Ê I will also give my fullest effort to the reestablishment -> of government founded upon Christian principles that protect life, -> liberty and property.Ê -> -> Sign up now! Sure. Clicking... -> Bad Referrer -- Access Denied -> The form attempting to use FormMail resides at -> http://www.christianexodus.com/signup.html, which is not allowed to -> access this cgi script. -> -> If you are attempting to configure FormMail to run with this form, -> you need to add the following to @referers, explained in detail in -> the README file. -> -> Add 'www.christianexodus.com' to your @referers array. Bad webmaster. No straight state for you! You won't get to move to New Straight Mississippi while the gays turn your home state into your homo state. Will you wind up living in Homorabia? Gaylandia? Fagotopia? Greater San Francisco (Formerly Known As California)? Analabama? Carsonkressleylaska? -- K. Pink Dakota? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:46 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The state's new motto will be "Homophobia Isn't Just A State Of Mind". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:57:29 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > It's probably a good idea to carry your passport with you ALWAYS, that way > the jackbooted government thugs won't steal it when they are planting > evidence in your hotel room while you are out sightseeing. What if I'm wearing better jackboots than they are and what if I stay in the hotel room the whole time because there's more fun to be had in there? Last time I was in a hotel room, they gave me a corner room because, I suspect, they thought I was going to be raising a ruckus in there. Truth is whoever was in the next room was making a lot more noise. So why do all standard hotel rooms now have those beds that are mounted on those big wooden boxes other than to make it impossible for you to (a) chain things to the bed legs that aren't there, (b) shove things under the bed, and (c) hide under the bed to take "upskirt" photos of the chambermaids? (Not that I would ever consider doing the last one, it's morally wrong in a _bad_ way.) I also hate how they always have these indestructible, kid-proof TV remotes where you have to lean on each button really hard and count to 3 before it registers. They don't want to make it easy for you to change the channel away from that one that tells you where the ice machine is. -- K. Fun fact: The first use of a TV remote in a movie was in George Lucas's "THX-1138". That was irrelevant, but it was either mention that or drop icky hints about what those hotel ice buckets are _really_ for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reason #45 to bow to our cicadian overlords... Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:01:34 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I should warn you that I've been teaching myself > > Tuvan throat-singing. I'm all hoarse right now because > > last night, I was inducing low-frequency resonances in > > my own head holes. > > Yay! I learned how to do that because my car stereo > broke and I never bothered to fix it, or for some > similarly stupid reason, some time after Genghis Blues > came out. It really annoys this one English post-doc in > my lab, and I think perhaps his village had been razed by > Mongols. Or Tibetan Buddhists, maybe. Does it also make you feel like you concussed yourself on a car door? Also, does this ability have anything to do with being tantric? Anyway, I should take after you and use my 30-50 Hz resonance to annoy people. Especially people who either (a) inform me that "Hey, your beard matches your sunglasses!" or (b) ask, "How did you get your hair to be that color?" I've had (a) four times in the two days since I got the orange sunglasses (AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DIDN'T PICK THEM OUT WITH MY EYES CLOSED AND MATCH THEM TO MY FACIAL HAIR BY ACCIDENT) and I was actually asked (b) today, so I graciously explained the concept of dye. Then the person (who I think thought I just stepped off a cruise ship from San Francisco or something) helpfully told me that there were "bad people in Boston who judge you by your clothes and not what's in your heart," and I did an indicating-my-entire-body gesture with my lead-lined gloves and said in my most serious voice, "I am AWARE I am projecting a certain image," as I stood there in the biker boots and the biker jeans and the biker jacket and et cetera. I got a few other nice compliments on this week's look (with the sunglasses matched to the facial hair) today. The bus driver liked it, the Trader Joe's cashier liked it (when I told him I changed the hair color on a weekly basis, he said "You should consider yourself a performance artist," and I brought back that voice to say "OH, I DO." Then someone who complimented me on my leathers asked me if I rode a motorcycle, and I said, "No, I don't have one of these," (miming twisting handlebar grips) "I have one of these," (miming a whip) and then he asked me if I were an equestrian. What do I have to do to actually be "out", pass out pamphlets? I plan to keep the blond hair (with orange in the middle of the beard) for several more days, then I'm considering black dye in the hair and light orange in the beard. I'd like to find some blood-red mirrorshades because I think I'd look great in all black with red lenses, but it's hard to find mirrorshades in any colors other than silver, blackish, and blue. I was lucky to find the really nice orange pair I have (I'm pretty fussy about lens shape. Because my face is tall and blocky I need lenses with corners, not rounded lenses, and because my uncorrected focal distance is so short I like big lenses -- small ones look too dainty anyway -- so I always have a hell of a time finding big rectangular lenses, let alone finding them with a mirror finish in a particular color.) It's really weird how eyewear trumps everything else about your look. And then hair color trumps everything but eyewear. That's when two men meet -- when a man meets a woman, one of them looks at boobs and the other looks at shoes. -- K. And why the hell do sunglasses never fit into eyeglass cases? I have a really nice all-metal case that even my big-blocky-lens minus-ten-diopter seeing glasses can fit inside, but all sunglasses have curved frames that make them not fit. And I don't want to just put the sunglasses in my pocket because I don't want scratches on the nice orange coating on the lenses. Argh! LOOKING GOOD IS ANNOYING TO ME EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD GETS TO ENJOY MY RADIANT HANDSOMENESS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: For wire and long-nose plier experts ONLY Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 02:46:58 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Pepper spray is an easier way to get someone to buzz off without you > > having to press a stun gun into their hip for five seconds.) > > Or so KIBO would have you believe. To Kibo, being doused with > pepper spray is about as much of a deterrent as harsh language > or a threatening, manly moustache. Mustaches aren't threatening! Unless they're on women serving Tater Tots in high school. Or worse, women serving Tater Tots in the Department Of Motor Vehicles. And hell yes, I'm serious, pepper spray would incapacitate me and anyone else who has eyeballs connected to their nervous system. Try it if you don't believe me. (I mean try it on _yourself_, you perv.) Seriously, people may be more afraid of stun guns, but pepper spray's more likely to work. > So if you're concerned about personal safety, carry pepper spray > AND a can of Cheez-Whiz, Cheez Whiz comes in glass jars, bozo. Easy Cheese is the stuff that comes in spray cans. Even I know how to tell two disgusting kinds of orange slime apart, though I would never eat either, and would break both shoulders of anyone who offers me any -- I'm gonna go Tony Randall on your collarbone! > just in case your assailant is dressed up as the motorcycle guy from > the Village People. You mean the motorcycle cop? He could sing better than the one identified as the "leather enthusiast", but he didn't have as nice a costume. If you go around pepper-spraying and/or cheez-spraying people wearing cop uniforms, you're going to get beaten up and then thrown into jail, where you'll get beaten up some more. On the other hand, if you assault a leatherman, you're going to get beaten up and then hugged and then beaten up and then hugged until you get so Stockholmed that you'll agree to "eat a banana sideways for Jesus" or whatever the code phrase is this month. > Might be good to MacGuyver up a dual-nozzled device that sprays pepper > and cheez, and also garlic, holy water, kryptonite, and perhaps > supercritical-fluid-extracted chai masala (just in case that's > someone's weakness). Except for the cheez, those are all delicious, especially kryptonite served at the correct temperature (58,000 degrees Kelvin -- never Celsius.) > --J. > Also, girls in thigh-highs. Okay, if Diana Rigg backflips towards me and then partly unzips her shiny black leather catsuit to pull out a big can of pepper spray, you get to organize the betting pool on how many hours our marriage lasts. -- K. If you're trying to come up with a gun that incapacitates and revolts people, why not just get one of those ones where a "BANG!" flag pops out, and replace it with a nude photo of Barbara Bush? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently "Department Of The Interior" means they glow sticks up your ass Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 03:30:16 -0400 News of world events, via www.BaltimoreSun.com: -> -> Some U.S. prison contractors may avoid charges -> -> Interior Department hired Abu Ghraib interrogators; Loophole tangles -> prosecution; Army chain of command blurred in civilian abuses -> -> By Scott Shane -> Sun National Staff -> May 24, 2004 -> -> The U.S. civilian interrogators questioning prisoners at Abu Ghraib -> prison in Iraq work not under a military contract but on one from -> the Department of the Interior, a bureaucratic twist that could -> complicate any effort to hold them criminally responsible for abuse -> of detainees or other offenses. -> -> The unexpected role of the Department of the Interior, usually associated -> not with wartime intelligence-gathering but with national parks, Oh no! The brutality! I bet they're torturing Iraqi civilians just like they do American civilians, by closing the restrooms at the highway rest stops nine months a year! -> grew out of a government plan to cut costs. But in practice, it may -> have increased costs and reduced scrutiny, said Peter W. Singer -> of the Brookings Institution. -> -> "You're placing a military interrogation task under Smokey the -> Bear," Singer said. "You can't have good oversight." "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear". Quick, someone revive Tom Of Finland so he can draw that comic book. If that can't be done, just get Gahan Wilson. -> [...] -> -> But in the case of the contract interrogators at Abu Ghraib, the -> chain of command is especially blurry, because it ends with an -> obscure Department of the Interior office 70 miles southeast of -> Tucson, Ariz. I suspect some of those Iraqi prisoners have been beaten with the "chain of command". -> The interrogators work for CACI International, a global government -> contractor based in Arlington, Va., with more than $1 billion a -> year in revenue. "global government contractor"? Uh oh. By tomorrow, there will be no evidence that the Baltimore Sun -- or even Baltimore itself -- ever existed, since the newspaper leaked the existence of The Global Government. Global government only works if it's completely secret! -> And CACI's contract is with the Interior Department's National -> Business Center, which for the past four years has run the -> contracting office at Fort Huachuca in Sierra Vista, Ariz., -> said Interior Department spokesman Frank Quimby. ...while wearing a big sash that says "SPOKESMAN" and talking in a funny Kennedy caricature accent and opening any new supermarket Krusty was too busy to visit. -> Quimby said the arrangement was a result of federal efforts in the -> 1990s to "streamline and reduce duplication," by having agencies -> with particular skill at administrative functions such as payroll -> or contracting handle those jobs for other agencies. Oh, yeah, when you're systematically torturing people and beating them to death, you don't want to have to stop to think about getting your payroll straightened out. And nobody knows more about accounting than the Department Of The Interior! You know, the same way the General Accounting Office is all about telling you which way to the geyser. -> [...] -> -> Most of the services relate to information technology, but at least -> two involve the provision of interrogators, Quimby said -- one for -> $19.9 million covering "interrogation support" and another for -> $21.8 million labeled "human intelligence support." Okay, so the Tom Of Finland titles here so far are "Military Interrogation Under Smokey The Bear", "Chain Of Command", and "Interrogation Supporter" (which would be about a jock strap that wouldn't let you go to sleep until you confess you shoplifted it from that store that sells nothing but cacti, macrame, and jockstraps.) -> [...] -> -> "There is no competition and no oversight," Singer said. "The free -> market can be a wonderful mechanism. But not if you do everything -> possible to ensure that it won't work." I wish there were a free market in Boston. Frozen White Castles cost way too much at Stop & Shop. -> Quimby, the Interior Department spokesman, sounded frustrated that -> his agency has been dragged into the prison scandal. -> -> "The Army set the requirements for the contract," he said. "The -> Army pays for the contract. The Army benefits from the contract. -> -> "But when there's a media inquiry," Quimby said, "it's an Interior -> Department contract." Why not just drop all the bullshit and set up a proper Ministry Of Torture? Of course, then the people being interrogated would have to stop answering "Yes, sir!" and say "Yes, Minister!" and it would quickly turn into a British sitcom that briefly interrupts pledge drives on PBS. -> Copyright (c) 2004, The Baltimore Sun Yeah, but to sue me for reposting this, you'll have to dig up the copyright papers you registered with the Library Of Congress, and they'll all busy torturing people in Venezuela. Whoops! Sorry, I forgot we weren't supposed to know about that yet. -- K. I'm not kidding, there really is a store here that just sells cacti, macrame, and jockstraps. Businesses like that should be required to post a sign in the window explaining "What the hell were they thinking?" before they're allowed to go bankrupt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 22:28:50 -0400 Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: -> -> [...] -> -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries fighting -> forces, just 1,000 of the country's 140,000 police officers are trained -> to handle digital evidence. -> -> [...] -> -> They were hunting the deep recesses of a computer for traces of an -> increasingly popular bayberries weapon known as "malware" in a 7Safe -> training session. I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" So please expect me to insert the word "babyberries" bayberries into things until it becomes very obbayberriesnoxious, probably by the end of bayberries this sentence. -- Kberries. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's secret word is: "bayberries". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:20:10 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Excerpts from an article on www.CNN.com: > > -> > > -> In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advanced bayberries > > -> fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular > > -> bayberries weapon known as "malware" > > > > I believe that CNN is bayberries attempting to send a coded message > > to the bayberries French Resistance. It seems that bayberries CNN > > has just made me bayberries want to shout "HERE COMES A bayberries MEME!" > > "Bayberries" is the new "hello datacomp"! CNN has since corrected the article, while also fixing the correct spelling of "advanced": => In the UK, home to some of Europe's most advancd crime => fighting forces, [...] traces of an increasingly popular => crime weapon known as "malware" It seems that "bayberries" is code for "crime", and also any "e"s which aren't silent are invisible. A Google search (Web search, not news search) on "bayberries" turns up CNN's news story as the first hit, then a few zillion sites about botany, and Bruce Sterling's blog where he also mentioned that CNN has a bayberry infestation. He suggested it was due to a Microsoft Word macro virus, and then a reader suggested it was due to a spellchecker. I suppose it's possible that someone created a virus that was programmed only to attack the word "crime" in one article on one Web site, and it's possible that there's some spell-checker with a dictionary so small that "bayberries" is the most similar word to "criem" or "krime" (of the five in the dictionary), but I disagree with both theories. I think the reason CNN is blathering about bayberries is that THE BAYBERRIES ARE COMING! RUN! BEFORE THEY CROSS-BREED WITH THE STUFFED ANIMALS TO PRODUCE BEANIE BABY BAYBERRY BEARS! AUGH!!!! -- K. (*WUMP*) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 23:27:19 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:04:52 -0400 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > > -> soy sauce. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS PEOPLE! Oh, Kenton? Kenton? Hey, Kenton? Here's a handy tip for you: Practice sitting on your hands until you've read the _whole_ article so that you won't be embarassed when you do that before you get to the end of my article. To recap, I said: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has > begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! > > -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an > -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media > -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make > -> soy sauce. > > [...a few paragraphs of insightful analysis of the news...] > > -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing > -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 > -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, > -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale > -> food-poisoning cases. > > China has 14 kinds of foods now? > > -- K. > > SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. Do you see that part after the "-- K."? That's still part of the article I wrote. The same article that you almost read part of. Now go sit on your hands in the corner and think about paying more attention next time I say something too obvious to be worth making a "Soylent Green" reference, let alone two of them. If I had wanted your help being obvious, I would've soaked you in the Obvious Bag, which is currently marinating in sugar-free tamari. -- K. I bought a 32-ounce bottle of hot sauce today. Should last a month or two if I just put in on food and don't drink shots of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 00:21:53 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:28 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probaby something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:36 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Anyway, moving on from the subject line, let's suppose you DO get > spectaculararaARRRRRRly explodiarated, OK? > > Then I have two questions (at least): > > 1. Who has to be Kibo in your place? Nobody. And if you think otherwise, I'll snap you in half and we'll see if a new Mark South appears somewhere. That won't happen, because there's only one Mark South, just as there's only one of me (and trust me, I know, I've looked, but nobody ever answers my classified ads in the special magazines.) > 2. Who would be your preferred choice to play you in the movie? Jack Black. Alan Cumming if he can butch it up a bit. Wil Wheaton if he stops being so funny. But my first choice is Jack Black. Jack Black can play me anywhere, any time. Especially if he plays me like a flute. > [...] well there's Bruce Willis who is used to getting blown away in > movies while staying a good guy, but he isn't camp enough, is he? > John Lithgow is camp all the time, but he's too tall. Dude, "camp" is wrong. I ain't Gay Batman. Gay Batman was the one in the mauve satin cape. I'm the one in the heavy black rubber cape. From whichever of the four movies had the biggest codpiece. > And I clearly don't watch enough movies to make any better suggestions. > (Not that I want to fix that.) Tell you what, go rent that movie about Tom Of Finland. I haven't seen it, but it's probaby something you'd like, since you're not gay, and none of Tom's guys were remotely "camp", and since "gay"="camp", you'd obviously love Tom Of Finland's guys. > Well, all I can say is that it'd be great if someone had a good answer, 'cos > your original post really only measured about a 2.37 on my Kibometer[1]. > > [1] Or should that be KiBOOM!eter? Yeah, well, you only measured about a 2.37 on my inch ruler. -- K. There's a newish leather bar in town that advertises that they have pinball! PINBALL! Oh man, if they also serve White Castles then I think I'll just move in there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:53:06 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up, please make a _good_ TV-movie about it. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:34 -0400 Okay, so today, the Secretary Of National Panic or whatever John Ashcroft's title is told us that they don't know where or when or how but terrorists are just about to blow up a big chunk of the United States, and he showed pictures of the seven terrorists who are going to commit the unspecified act at the unspecified time... and, as I mentioned last month, one of them knows were I live. The woman in the middle of Ashcroft's "Food Pyramid Of Terror" chart used to live in my sleazy apartment building. (CNN redrew the pyramid to put her on the top row.) If she were stupid, I'd wait for her in the lobby of my building in hopes that she'd come back to check if they were holding any mail for her, and then I'd kill her in some sort of horrible way, such as by tearing her into little pieces with two pairs of tweezers. But, unfortunately, she's smart (she's an MIT- and Harvard-educated bacteriologist and probably did much of the planning for the September 11th attacks) so I probably won't get to kill her. But on the other hand, even if she is back in the country and is smart, that means she'll probably stay away from my building, which means I live in the only building in the United States that's safe from Aafia Siddiqui and her germ warfare or exploding whoopee cushions or whatever else she's going to be blowing up some other part of this country with. Oh, and if the fact that she's familiar with the cultivation of germs doesn't scare you, think about this: Not only does she know how to work Usenet, she even knows how to _underline_ things like _this_. She was even smart enough to find misc.test: -> From: Aafia Siddiqui (aafia@mit.edu) -> Subject: test -> Newsgroups: misc.test -> Date: 1995/06/20 -> -> this is a test If you see any anthrax spores being released in misc.test, that's a sign that everyone should evacuate the rest of Usenet before the real attack. (She posted as aafia@mit.edu and aafia@athena.mit.edu if you want to look her up in the Google archives.) And even more horrifying: She knows where to get Macintosh software. [from an MIT newsletter] => => i/s Back Issues => Volume 11 => No. 6ÊÊFebruary 1996 => => Four Ways to Get MITnet Applications for Macs and PCs => Aafia Siddiqui => => There's a lot of free network-related software for Macintoshes => and PCs that you can download via MITnet. This software is stored => on MIT's network software distribution site, net-dist. If you're not scared of a Macintosh nerd terrorist, you're already dead. -- K. And worst of all, she had a higher-altitude apartment (and therefore a better apartment) than me (20th floor instead of 7th.) EVIL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A cocktail containing this would be called a "hairball". Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:56:20 -0400 China, the land that brought us "Hair Like Vegetable Soup", has begun selling a new form of drinkable hair! [from www.interfax.com] -> -> Media exposure forces government to respond to hair-into-soy sauce scandalÊ -> -> Shanghai. (Interfax-China) -- The Chinese government has shown an -> unusually high level of concern as a result of a bold media -> exposure towards a scandal in which human hair was used to make -> soy sauce. The government has now ordered an immediate inspection -> of all domestic food seasoning plants before the end of January. So remember, there's only seven more months until they stop selling hairy soy sauce! Stock up now! -> China Central Television (CCTV), the state television station, -> first raised public worries over the quality of domestic soy -> sauce by uncovering a substandard workshop in central China's -> Hubei Province, where piles of waste human hair were found. The -> hairs were treated in special containers to distill amino acid, -> the most common substance contained in soybean sauce. -> -> Human hair is rich in protein content, just like soybean, wheat -> and bran, the conventional and legally accepted raw ingredients -> for the production of soy sauce. "bran"... or "brain"? -> The plant, describing itself as a bioengineering company, made -> around 100,000 tons of amino acid daily, in either syrup or -> powder form, making it easier for delivery, plant workers said. -> They were then distributed to diluting plants in or near the -> province, where it was diluted with approximately ten times -> water, was then made into ready-for-use soy sauce and was bottled -> or packaged. So tell me the name of the plant so I can go to the Super 88 Supermarket this weekend! Hurry, there are only seven months left! -> In one such plant shown on the CCTV program, more chemical -> additives were poured into the amino acid syrup and heated and -> stirred continuously by a worker. -> -> The additives include one whole bag of solid hydroxide to make -> the sauce taste better, Hair tastes bad, lye tastes bad, but lye and hair mixed together is two great tastes that go great together! You know, like how they mix ear wax and squirrel testicles to make Toffifay! -> and bottles of hydrochloric acid to balance the acid and alkali content -> in the mixture in order to make it safer for human consumption. Both -> additives were for industrial use only, according to their packaging. Shame on them for trying to make their soy sauce fit for human consumption! -> By producing soy sauce from such raw materials, the producers -> were said able to cut costs by half. Workers employed at the -> plants, however, never bought soy sauce marked as "blended" on -> the packaging, because that usually meant that human hair was the -> basic material in the sauce. Blended with what? Dog hair? William Shatner's hair? That white hair that grows on old strawberries? -> Soy sauce made from human hair is not the first low-quality food -> product exposed by state television, which launched a program -> called "Weekly Quality Report" around half a year ago. The -> program, which conducts investigations into the low quality of -> some of China's most common food products, has frequently ruined -> the public appetite. When's it coming out on DVD? And where in Chinatown will I be able to buy bootlegs of it on discs made from pureed fingernail clippings? -> In related news the Beijing Star Daily reported the Beijing -> government has begun closer monitoring and supervision of 14 -> kinds of foods, including rice, meat, vegetables, bottled water, -> dairy products and cooking oil due to fears of large-scale -> food-poisoning cases. China has 14 kinds of foods now? -- K. SOYLENT SAUCE IS... oh, never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Any duplicate articles are not my fault. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:54:29 -0400 If you see a few duplicate articles from me showing up late, it's due to circumstances beyond my control. No further information is available. -- K. Rrrrrrrrrrrr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 22:56:42 -0400 [re a school administrator using an electrified pen to give shocks to his co-workers as pranks] Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > And he has not been fired for being an abusive loon... why? > > I've heard rumors of workplaces in which people actually socialize > happily with their cow-orkers, including sometimes playing small, > harmless practical jokes on one another. Honest, Lots. A prank which causes pain is not "harmless", even if it causes no visible physical damage. Non-consensual pain _is_ emotional harm. Hurting other people without their consent is _not_ a prank, it's the very definition of abuse. As I've said, allegedly mature grown-ups shouldn't be using these "joke" shock pens, much less the kids they're marketed to. And trust me, the pens in question don't give cute little shocks. They give shocks which would make some people yell, cry, slug you in the face, etc. Let's put it this way: I imagine I have more experience than you with electrical devices designed for torturing humans (always consensually!) and those "joke" pens can (if held the right way) hurt more than some pretty serious sadomasochistic torture devices. And even a lot of people who go out of their way to experience pain have a serious phobia about even considering getting tiny little electrical shocks -- certainly those pens would make many little kids, and some grown-ups, scream or weep and suffer emotional trauma. This is not like giving someone a dribble glass. It's a "practical joke" on the order of running up to someone and sticking a tack in them. I bet Lynndie England owns one of these pens. And in addition, these pens aren't safe. For instance, there's nothing to stop someone from pressing the button while the pen is in a shirt pocket adjacent to the heart. Even a small current, when pulsed as the pens do, can easily stop a heart. (I don't know how much clothing the pens' shocks can penetrate, but they can probably go through at least a shirt.) It's not even clear whether the pens are legal here -- state law prohibits possession of any electrical device "designed to incapacitate temporarily, injure or kill", and lawyers could spend a lot of time arguing over whether the word "injure" means "cause pain and emotional distress" in addition to "cause visible physical damage". -- K. Kevin, your kink is REALLY NOT OKAY. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:42:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > As we all know, everyone into S&M secretly worships evil and cuts > > people off in the passing lane. > > We all know that Terri has deemed insurance BORING BORING BORING. > Which usually it is, but those who have read more than 2 of my posts > know that I can always find something interesting going on at my > insurance company. These "Penthouse Forum" letters are so predictable! > The other day, a secretary in an agent's office calls up all > flustered. We verify policies which have had a Marshall & Swift run > on them (it estimates the replacement cost of a home), and we require > agents to provide photos of all 4 sides of any new homes we are > insuring. > So this secretary is in a fit. She got an obscene message from an > underwriter, she said. About BDSM. > I was more shocked that a secretary knew what BDSM was than at the > idea that an underwriter would send hawt I FLURT U messages, but I > checked the message myself, and found nothing. The agent, in the > background, tells the secretary to tell me, "Read it again!" > Turns out the agent, who is new, saw a message which read "Please > submit M&S. Also we need photos of all 4 sides of it." She misread it > because she is a prevert, got her secretary all in a lather, and phoned > me, apparently just to make my day. > I assured the secretary that photos of just two sides of the S&M were > acceptable. I was told I am NOT FUNNY. Too bad she didn't buy it -- it would have definitely been funny to see her booking a helicopter ride and then tunneling into the ground to get photos of the "top" and "bottom". I would have said it was acceptable to substitute an hour-long videotape for the photos, but that's just me. -- K. Even if it was just a videotape of a house sitting there motionless for an hour, Andy Warhol would have liked it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:57:01 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, your kink is REALLY NOT OKAY. > > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired? In what sort of workplace would giving people involuntary electrical shocks would certainly be considered forgiveable behavior? (Other than state prisons and Stanley Milgram's "science" lab.) If I were an employer who found that one of my employees was _hurting_ people because he thought it was funny, he'd get _more_ than fired, unless I were operating a sadomasochistic clown school, but sadly, the only one of those is in Oak Brook, Illinois. > I knew that "small, harmless" would get a rise out of someone (but I > didn't expect it to by you, K.) And your lack of expectations of evil from me shall be your downfall. > I take it back, as it doesn't really reflect my feelings about the > principal's actions. > > PS: Sometimes I say things on Usenet that I don't really believe, > like right now, for instance. Me too. I greatly respect your opinions. There, see how easy it is for me to say things I can't possibly believe? -- K. Before you go look it up, McDonalds Hamburger University is the cruel thing in Oak Brook, Illinois. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:04:27 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't > > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he > > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to > > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired? > > If he was sending joke emails to everyone in the school, then tell > him to knock it off. If he was sending electricity into people's bodies, > that should result in a firing. Unless he's also the science teacher, in which case it's all right. Or maybe if he's also the sex ed teacher, if this is in one of those progressive places like Cambridge. (Not Boston! Boston's very conservative compared to Cambridge. In Boston, gay men can barely even get married!) -- K. I'd say giving someone a wedgie should be grounds for dismissal, as should anything else inducing physical pain and possible emotional trauma, such as electric shocks and/or the cafeteria's Beanee Weenee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo, Kibo! What's Up with the Duplicate Posts? Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 23:38:42 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > You're a funny guy, K, but unlike episodes of "F Troupe" your stuff > doesn't get funnier with repetition. This from a guy who cross-posted followups to about a thousand articles from spammer George Hammond? If encouraging Hammond to flood a.r.k with boring junk is your idea of fun, then I refuse to accept any comments you try to give me, even backhanded ones. Tell you what, Kevin, to make up for the fact that you were inconvenienced for a few seconds because of network trouble I had no control over, why don't you come over and I'll help you learn why those shock pens you like aren't harmless fun practical jokes -- I think you have enough orifices that I could get at least three dozen into you, six dozen if you open your big mouth. -- K. And now, I'm going to post this three times, but the third one will have something special at the bottom that only Kevin will see when he reads all three all the way to the end. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo, Kibo! What's Up with the Duplicate Posts? Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 19:07:53 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And now, I'm going to post this three times, but the third one > > will have something special at the bottom that only Kevin will > > see when he reads all three all the way to the end. > > And then I'll spoil it by announcing to everyone that the special > message was a declaration of love, thereby revealing you to be the > softy we've suspected you were all along. And sometimes love really hurts. As Homer Simpson explained, "Pain is love." Now be quiet and clean your face. There's pasta sauce all over it. Here's a spaghetti strainer. Let me know when you've gotten your face through it. -- K. Ever wondered why car jumper cables and batteries attach with giant alligator clamps and not some reasonably modern technology such as an electrical plug? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Curry, floor, fuck. Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 00:21:25 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > My dear fellow Kibologists: > > I would just like to announce the unintended precipitation of my > curry this evening onto the kitchen floor (and parts of cooker). Oh. When I saw "Subject: Curry, floor, fuck." I thought this was going to be an ad for another local leather bar as tantalizing as the one that has pinball. Spicy food would be served on the dance floor (literally) and the bar would be called something like "Curried Jackboots". You have now disappointed me. Damn, can't wait to try visiting the place that has the pinball. If they have a Twilight Zone machine, my voice is going to go down an extra octave. I'm new enough to the scene that I'm worried I'll violate some unwritten social taboo of leather bars, like, if you wear your armband on the left you have to go second while playing pinball unless it's dark on Tuesday, and be forever ostracized from the community of perverts. If that happens, I'll have to join a model railroad club or something. > An immediate statement by myself in response to this event, while > not recorded verbatim, bore the overall sense of "Fuck! Fuck! > Fuck-fuck-fuck Fuckitty-fuck! Bastard fuck arse and fuck, thrice > fuckly! Thank you for doing this to me, God! Fuck!" Could be worse. You could have been lying on your back, eating curry with no shirt on, and gotten a big irregular scald all over your abdomen when you lost your really good spicy curry. Fortunately the angry red splotch faded after a few months. Today was one of those days when I was feeling really tense and so I did a few shots of hot sauce (well, two shots) to relax. > A spoon was thrown. > > The curry in question was a chicken korma, which was to be served > with white rice and sliced banana. The rice, together with that > part of the curry not still adhering to the kitchen carpet, has > now been transferred to the bin; the banana remains unzipped. Maybe you could serve your unzipped banana with some cod pieces. (WHY IS IT EVERYONE WHO LIKES SPICY FOOD IS A PERVERT LIKE YOU?) > Step have been taken to bake potatoes to accompany a reserve tin > of tuna fish. I just realized I haven't had canned tuna in most of a year. I should make some tuna salad. (Note: I dislike fresh tuna, but I can tolerate the canned kind without all that fish flavor.) -- K. Wait, you have _carpet_ in your _kitchen_? Who do you think you are, High Hefner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Proposition Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:31:21 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I have a proposition. Some of you think that my current signature is > "uncool." I have a propositon that would correct this problem and make my > signature "cool." It would be chic, like Kibo's but not quite as chic. Dude, putting Fonzie's jacket on Potsie wouldn't make Potsie cool. It would simply ruin the jacket. And then Fonzie would have to switch back to that wimpy beige poplin windbreaker from the first season. Speaking of Potsie, has anyone else nearly had a heart attack when that new commercial for St. Joseph's chewable aspirin came on? It's simply the audio of Potsie singing "Pumps Your Blood" from a "Happy Days" episode about thirty years ago (the one where Potsie is going to flunk biology until the other students help him put on a big musical number about heart anatomy.) I was typing away on my laptop and suddenly the TV started singing at me in Potsie's voice and I was so flabbergasted, I almost fell through the Earth's crust. > I propose that the signature would read, "-- S." How do you like the idea? > It's not quite so original, but it will be fun! For now, I'll just sign > this message using the old way. "-- K." isn't a .signature, you double-z-bozzo, it's just an initial. A .signature has, like, formatting and stuff. Also a little silver strip you can scratch off with a coin to reveal fabulous prizes. -- K. Is a "propositon" a fancy name for a hemorrhoid doughnut? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 01:43:55 -0400 Shelton Bumgarner (bumgarls@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Hey dudes, how's it going? I haven't posted in ages, That's okay, as long as you've been reading all my articles. POP QUIZ! 1.) Name Kibo's favorite material for clothing, and the color thereof. 2.) List all five hair colors Kibo's had in the last month. 3.) What celebrity is Kibo currently fantasizing about stalking? 4.) Is Kibo gay yet? 5.) Does Kibo like cheese yet? Essay: Tell why Kibo is so great. Attach additional sheets even if unnecessary because I'm running low on clean bed linens. > but I do have some news -- I've started a blog. Big deal. I _finished_ a blog once. > I'm trying to teaching conversational English in South Korea and the > blog is devoted to that quest. It can be found at zagmub.blogspot.com. In five years, it will be possible to teach blogosational English. It's like conversational English except for one difference: Conversational English: "I'm crying!" Blogosational English: "I'm crying! CURRENT MOOD IS: :-( SAD" -- K. Oops, almost forgot to add filler here. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 14:06:50 -0400 "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > POP QUIZ! > > > > 1.) Name Kibo's favorite material for clothing, and the color thereof. > > Black crushed velvet. Well, that's my favorite color, and one of my favorite activities, and my favorite texture of red-dye-filled cake, but sorry, my favorite material for clothing is bronze. > > 2.) List all five hair colors Kibo's had in the last month. > > Black, white, purple, indigo, rust. YOU FOOL! THERE IS NO SUCH COLOR AS INDIGO!!! The correct answer: Purple, yellow, red, fluorescent orange, blond, yellowish-orange, and since I guess the facial hair colors count, blue and yes, rust. > > 3.) What celebrity is Kibo currently fantasizing about stalking? > > Anne Rice. I said "stalking", not "ghostwr-- oh, let's talk about something else. > > 4.) Is Kibo gay yet? > > You misspelled "goth", and the answer is, "And how!" I do have a pair of "Destroy" brand leather boots with 2" platform soles and 4" heels (they make my feet hurt like hell, but sometimes I wear them with my sentry cap when I need to be tall enough to have to duck through doorways) but that alone won't make me Goth. I'd have to start doing nail polish and other girly stuff to be Goth. > > 5.) Does Kibo like cheese yet? > > Kibo is the cheesiest goth EVAR. I hate you now. To punish you, I'm going to take you to that prison in Iraq where men are forced to wear women's lacy underpanties and then given enormous electrical shocks. I understand it's the panties that are the painful part. I hear they're very uncomfortable. > > Essay: Tell why Kibo is so great. Attach additional sheets even > > if unnecessary because I'm running low on clean bed linens. > > ONCE APON A TIME KIBO SULKED UNTIL A HEAVYSET GRIL IN A CORSET BUMPED > INTO HIM AND HE SANK HIS PLASTIC FANGS INTO HER NECK AND THEN THEY > SHARED A GOBLET OF GRENADINE AND WROTE BAD POETRY THEN THEY GOT > MARRIED AND BOUGHT A VOLVO THE ENB Short shameful confession: I love grenadine. Especially the sugar-based synthetic stuff (Rose's) which is the only kind you can get in supermarkets. By the way, there's some company selling "Pom" brand pomegranate juice in markets here (it comes in three flavors: awful regular pomegranate juice, awful pomegranate/mango, and of course, awful pomegranate/cranberry otherwise known as "two fruits the world has too many of, mixed together") and wow does the stuff taste horrid. > > Big deal. I _finished_ a blog once. > > "Blog" sounds like an also-ran in a Kibological word contest. > Compared to "doidy" and "woxwox", "blog" really sounds stupid and sad. Back when Jorn was around here, it was spelled "weblog" when he coined it (and he even dared to predict that someday there would be over a dozen of them on the Internet.) I don't know who decided it should be shortened to "blog". "Blog" sounds like a noise you'd make when you blarf. -- K. I need to finish knitting my bronze trenchcoat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:37:38 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > BTW, at the same time I was experimenting with grenadine. > > YOU FOOL! IT'S MADE FROM REAL GRENADES! DON'T DRINK IT OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO THROW THEMSELVES ON YOU TO SAVE A THIRD PARTY FROM THE EXPLOSION AND THEN THEY MIGHT GROW UP TO BE HITLER! THE PRIME DIRECTIVE FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! > Soon, only bathing nightly in mango lassi will satiate your exotic > fruit desire. And eventually, when your money runs out, you'll have to keep re-using it and spend week after week bathing in the same mangy lassi. > NOTE: I call dibs on 'Exštic FrŸit Desire' as a band name. By day, we > will be Fruit of the Loom spokesmodels, by night... WE SHALL ROCK! If I were Conan O'Brien, I'd say something about Joel Goddard. -- K. Do condoms prevent the spread of yellow fever? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New hair color! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 04:26:29 -0400 Once again, a bulletin just for people who can't get enough of my wonderful hair: I now have the most complex dye job I've ever had. It's not that different from certain colors I've had before, except that the texture is more complex, more like animal hair (think of how your cat is revealed to have three colors of hair mixed together when you ruffle its fur) than the solid-color clown hair you often get from these brightly-colored dyes. Here's what I did: 1. Bleached the hair and beard. This took my hair and sideburns to dark blond, and the goatee turned orange (I had had dark red dye in it, the dark red bleaches to orange.) 2. Bleached again. Now I had light blond hair and a pale orange goatee. 3. Dyed just the goatee part of the beard dark reddish-orange with a 50/50 mixture of Manic Panic Electric Lava and Manic Panic Tiger Lily. 4. Bleached just the goatee to lighten it to a medium orange. The reason to dye then bleach is to get a more realistic color where some hairs are lighter than others. 5. Dyed all the hair (including the goatee) with Manic Panic Electric Banana, to add a fluorescent yellow quality to the blond hair (and brighten up the orange goatee a little.) 6. Re-dyed everything but the goatee with a 90/10 mixture of Electric Banana and Tiger Lily to tint the hair gold, with orange highlights. The six steps listed above were done over the last few days, so I had a bleach-blond look most of this week. The finished look is that my hair is schoolbus yellow-orange, but mottled so that the topmost layer of hair is oranger and the underlayers are more blond. The beard is a weathered-looking burnt orange. The goal was to get the beard to (even more precisely than before) match my orange mirrorshades but also get the rest of the hair to match my bright goldenrod-colored shirts while giving all the hair a more complex, less cartoony texture despite the flashy colors. Of course, in terms of hair and clothes, it's generally a bad idea to try to match things exactly -- it's almost impossible to pull it off, and just not a sophisticated kind of design to start with -- but when you have a really exotic, vivid hair color, you can do really striking things by making it the focus of a look (i.e. black leather with a yellow shirt and orange glasses matched to yellow and orange hair is a really memorable look.) Next on my schedule: I got a jar of Punky Color Turquoise and a jar of Manic Panic Raven, so I could either do all my hair in bright cyan, or do it in black except for the goatee in some bright color (maybe orange, maybe blue) -- I also still have a jar of Manic Panic Shocking Blue which would be fun to try, too. Plus I have two jars of Manic Panic Electric Sunshine, but I don't really know what it does (the hair swatch in the store was a goldenrod like I wanted, but in the jars the goop is a very pale translucent beige color, so I worry that it may have faded in the store.) Anyone want two jars of what might be beige or might be gold? -- K. Rule of thumb: I never dye my hair with any colors available from the drugstore. They only sell ones that look like hair, plus a few very low-quality bright colors. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New hair color! Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 13:52:01 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I now have the most complex dye job I've ever had. [...] > > > > 6. Re-dyed everything but the goatee with a 90/10 mixture of > > Electric Banana and Tiger Lily to tint the hair gold, with > > orange highlights. > > I 'look forward' to the day when you post this new hair colour: > Bald and scabby. I shave it once in a while. Makes certain hats, helmets, and mind-controlled death rays fit better. Also then I can take off my glasses and turn into Richard Moll as Matt Frewer as a young, sober Billy Bob Thornton. > I worry about your poor scalp. Oh, my scalp can handle a lot of abuse, baby. If a giant squid ever attacks the two of us, I'll position my scalp between the suckers and you until you can call the Gorton's fisherman to come kill the squid and then you can call the fire department to use the Jaws Of Life to get it off my scalp and then I'll say "So what do you want to do next?" -- K. I might need a hot sauce break first to keep my energy level up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 14:16:56 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > More things we need a word for > > 1) The period of time between joining a new newsgroup and killfiling > the resident psychopath. That would be like "Minister Without Portfolio" -- "Newbie Without Killfile". > 2) The whatever-it-is that allows animals to sense you are awake, even > if you have not moved. Actually, it's a little node in their anterior angulate gyrus that gives them the power to telepathically wake you up when they want to order you to feed them. > 3) The object that you forget to bring on a trip. (Hopefully it's > something replaceable, like a toothbrush and not something unique, > like your grandmother) What about objects that mysteriously disappear from a hotel room? I somehow lost a 3" rubber ball in one recently. It can't have gone under the bed because the bed was on one of those solid slabs, and we couldn't find it anywhere else. My theory is that it quantum-tunneled through the thin wall into the room where the people were making more noise. Here's the item I've lately been trying to come up with a word for: 4) Companies that attempt to market gay stuff to gay people while still hoping straight people will buy it too. For instance, there is one fetish-oriented nightclub here that has a night which they advertise as a "testosterone" night because they're worried that straights will avoid the place the rest of the week if they don't write "gay" in a word too big for the homophobes to understand. And then there's International Male, which I've been complaining about endlessly because, hey, really f'ing ridiculously gay clothes. Have you _seen_ their stuff? Why don't they just give up and admit it, and have their models wear gay hairstyles and pose with other men, instead of them all having straight-guy haircuts and standing around in isolated one-shots while wearing the faggiest clothes imaginable? -- K. 5) Those white things in cheap hot dogs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Sun, 30 May 2004 15:43:10 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here's the item I've lately been trying to come up with a > > word for: > > > > 4) Companies that attempt to market gay stuff to gay people > > while still hoping straight people will buy it too. > > I deeply regret to report that a recent fad in the fashion-victim > press and silly-season red-tops here in UKaia has already coined > the term "metrosexual" to refer to this nauseating tendency and > its embarrasingly clueless adherents. No, that's very different and less egregious. "Metrosexual" usually refers to people who are very vain, and live in big cities, and often means straight people who aren't afraid to adopt a little bit of gay culture (though the person who coined the term was not using it in a gender-specific or orientation-specific way when he talked about the big-city folks who liked to have fancy hair.) I was referring to catalogs where every shirt they sell is fluorescent fuschia and screams "I'M GAY!!!!" except that the catalog refuses to admit that they know they're selling any gay stuff. I really think they're worried that they'll sell less of it if they actually admit who the only people who are actually it are (i.e. they're alienating their gay customers to avoid alienating their only three straight customers.) Unless it is possible that their target audience really isn't gay men but just those straight guys who are so clueless about gay culture that they dress in a more "gay" manner than gay men, but seriously, does any straight guy want a backless jockstrap? That's not only too gay, the fact that it's not actually labelled as a product _for_ gays is just plain ridiculous. What's next, unisex vaginal deodorant? > O tempora! O mores! Thus doth life imitate kibology. > > Howsomenever, one might still need a word for the tendency of > some straight peeps to go up to London for Xmas beers in gay pubs > because they will be less crowded than other pubs with raucous > and fuckwitted seasonal drinkers. Well, the moment you're a straight person who realizes it's more fun to be around gay people than straight people, that's not something that has a word for it, that's something that has a pride flag for it. > Although I'm not sure if this phenomenon has been observable > since the 1980s. So are you one of those people who goes to gay bars just to observe the straight people admiring the non-obnoxiousness of the gay people? And how many degrees separated from sex does that make you? -- K. And then there are those straight guys who want to try receiving oral sex from a gay man just because they think he might know how to work the equipment better than a woman would. (And they're right, but it really doesn't make _that_ much difference.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:03:40 -0400 Another thing we need a word for: When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount someone else is going to be donating. Whoops, someone just outbid me on that autographed Wil Wheaton book. Now St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital is going to get an extra two dollars and fifty cents but I still don't know the term for what just happened... What wanted word works where wacky World Wide Web's Wil "Wesley" Weaton's weirdly wonderful work went while well-wishing weak wimpy waifs? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 -- K. Go bid it up so I don't have to! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 14:52:14 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Another thing we need a word for: > > > > When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well > > you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising > > to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount > > someone else is going to be donating. > > And we need a complementary word for when you bid in a charity auction > knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about > temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up > the actual amount someone else is going to be donating, and then you > aren't. Outbid, I mean. Hey, if I were _sure_ I'd be outbid, I would have bid like a million billion zillion dollars so the sick kids got enough money for two and a half new kidneys each, but since I figured it might turn out that I'd crush everyone else in my quest to prove I was the nicest person on the planet, I only bid an amount I could afford (about twenty dollars over the previous high bid) because I have a big enough brain to know that there might be some jerk out there who wants to give more money to charity than I do. So I ran the price up about twenty dollars and had the high bid for about a day before someone came along and decided they wanted to pay more. Charity auctions always strike me as a weird way to raise funds. The prize doesn't go to whoever _donates_ the most, it goes to whoever offers to donate the most, and then all the other people say "Whew! Now I don't have to donate anything!" I wonder whether they'd get more money or less money if they did it the other way around. Or they could do it Hofstadter-style and divide up the prize equally among all donors in proportion to how much they donated, i.e. everyone who donated $1 would get a letter "e" from Wil Wheaton's memoirs and people who donated more might get at least half a page. But I suppose the cost of ripping the book into 5000 pieces and mailing all of them would destroy the profit margin for the sick kids. Someone would have to donate thousands of dollars in postage which would then be wasted in an effort to raise hundreds of dollars. So many this is a stupid idea. Remember, folks, you will be buying a _whole_ copy of Wil Wheaton's "Dancing Barefoot" here when you help some children who are really sick: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 ...how sick are these kids? Remember the kids in "Patch Adams"? And remember how violently ill you got while watching him trying to amuse them? That's how sick they are. And the only thing that can cure them is for you to buy this book. -- K. And stop asking if I ghostwrote it. It's not even my style. Even the parts about Shatner being evil. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:02:04 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > What is the word for letting the dog inside so it can go wake someone up > by jumping on the bed and licking their face? Poor Spot! He had to go inside and lick Bob Hope's face until he woke up! And he was old and scaly! And dead! Spot licked and licked until he licked hard enough to make Bob Hope come back to life. Then Bob Hope killed Spot. Then Spot stayed dead until he licked himself enough to wake himself up. Then he and Bob Hope went outside and the door slammed behind them and there was nobody left on Earth to ever let them back in again because by now everyone else had evolved into clouds of super-intelligent spores that lived outside the Universe, in the Land Of Eternal Sparkles. Spot and Bob Hope cried! > Also it was fun to hide under the covers and have the two Jack Russels > my parents had try and dig you out. Good thing your parents didn't have two Helena Russells. Or worse, one Helena Russell and one Bob Hope. -- K. Helena Russell licking Bob Hope. There. Now that I've mentioned that on the Internet, _everybody's_ gay. You're welcome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Rummy Date: Sun, 30 May 2004 16:44:58 -0400 Daniel L. Bateman (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > Daniel L. Bateman (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [Donald Rumsfeld said:] > > > > > > "One thing that appears reasonably certain, and that is that those > > > who make allegations of a culture of deception, of intimidation or > > > of cover-up need to be extremely careful about such accusations." > > > > > > We will now discuss the delicious irony of this statement. > > > > Why? Are you one of those people who's making allegations of a culture > > of deception, of intimidation or of cover-up? > > I think you need to be extremely careful of accusaction that I'm one > of "those people." Yeah. I've certainly never seen you at any of our meetings. Also, we like the word "those" underlined when you say "_those_ people". > The joke here is he made a threatening statement to > say there is no intimidation going on. Explai Nation is a fun country to visit, but you won't enjoy doing time in prison there, being beaten with durian-scented rubber truncheons, wrapped up in a sandpaper-lined straitjacket, or dipped in molten slag made from melting down the glass from 300 TV picture tubes that were showing "Happy Days" reruns while they melted. Of course, that was not a threatening or intimidating statement, it was simply a promise that certain rules will be followed which will result in you not needing to buy a DayRunner for 2005, 2006, or 2007. -- K. And worst of all, they're reruns of the episode where Chachi puts on a big dance number in front of a banner which says "WA WA WA". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How much to fix a digital camera? Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 02:00:31 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I was quoted $297AUD to "remove beer residue" from my camera which is > almost half of what my camera costs. I am considering telling them to > insert their quote rectally sideways. How I feel about this depends on how much 297 Australian dollars are worth, and whether Australian repairmen have the same size rectums as normal repairmen. Why did you get beer residue on your camera? And why did you need to get the beer residue removed? Was the smell of the rancid beer residue on your camera making it hard to secretly take "upskirt" photographs while you rode up the mall escalator hundreds of times a day? What type of camera was it? Did it have any sentimental value because it was the first one you ever used for "upskirt" shots? Why didn't you remove the residue yourself? Was any of it on the lens, making beer-colored blotches on your "upskirt" photos? How long had the beer been on the camera? Was it Foster's? Why don't you switch to a low-residue beer? Are you a professional golfer? Where's my bacon? Can I saw off your feet for no reason? Have the lambs stopped screaming? Whoops, two of those questions weren't really relevant. You must answer the others. Attach additional beer-soaked sheets if necessary. -- K. What does this have to do with figure skating? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:43:00 -0400 [from tritown.gmnews.com] -> -> Trustees hope new signs will cut speed in Villages -> -> BY KATHY BARATTA -> Staff Writer -> -> HOWELL -- It has been alleged that a misplaced bolt on a street -> sign is confusing drivers entering The Villages adult community, -> off Route 9. "adult community"? Is that code for "no children allowed to own homes", or "everyone walks around naked all the time", or do they just mean "elderly"? -> According to Villages resident Barbara Dixel, the bolt on a 15 -> mph speed limit sign that was recently posted at the entrance of -> the community is placed in such a way that it makes the sign -> appear to set a speed limit of 1.5 mph. Oh, "elderly". Nobody under 65 could possibly attempt to drive under two miles an hour. Heck, even a Segway can go faster than that! -> [...] -> Dixel said she had heard reports of the new signs causing -> problems and then personally witnessed an individual jam on his -> brakes as soon as he turned off the entry road onto Dag -> Hammar-skjold Boulevard. -> -> Dixel sa