From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 12:56:53 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What if, instead of adding a > > decimal point, I added a unary minus > > to make all bozos go backwards? > > Get some sticky letters and use the lowercase i's, if it's a home for > retired mathematicians, or j's if it's for electrical engineers. Okay, now you're just being silly. Everyone knows there's no such thing as imaginary numbers. Do you know why "i" doesn't exist? Because seven eight eye. Wait, I didn't tell that one right. HELP ME, RONALD McDONALD! Ahem. Back on track for a minute... Because the Kaiju Big Battel people seem to get away with vandalizing a lot of street signs around here with their little Cube stickers (and occasionally a giant Cube sticker), possibly because they are universally beloved, I, the area's other universally beloved pop-culture phenomenon involving loudness and wrestling, keep thinking that I should make up a batch of some sort of secret Kibology Pride stickers and put them all over town too. But to make the game more interesting I'd limit myself to putting them only on signs that already had a Kaiju sticker. And I'd print my stickers in a wide array of sizes so that I could always use a Kibology Pride sticker precisely 10% bigger than whatever it was next to. I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet stepping someone or something, but I'm not sure what. -- K. Curious George would be easy enough to draw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: K pride (was: old people driving slowly) Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:35:19 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet > > stepping someone or something, but I'm not sure what. > > A bee in a balloon. Hey, yeah. I like that pride flag. It's sufficiently creepy. But should the bee the "K" crushes be a bee bee, or a "B" bee? Or a BB? We could do like Romper Room and instead of having a "Do Bee" and a "Don't Bee" we could have a "Look Bee" and an "Eat Bee". One of the bees would be for looking at, and the other one would be for eating. Eating other groups' pride flags. > > Curious George would be easy > > enough to draw. > > Curious George in a balloon? No, wait---the Man in the Yellow Hat in a > balloon. Filled with bees. Let's pretend the monkey's fetishistic slavemaster doesn't exist. Besides, between him and the bees there would be too much yellow, we wouldn't want the Kibology pride flag to be accused of being yellow just because it was. Anyway, I think I'm going to start designing a Kibology pride flag with a "K", a bee, and a balloon. Thanks, Xaonon. (Hey, Xaonon, channel 11 here is showing "The Brain Of Morbius" this month, so that means in in just a few more dozen weeks they'll be up to the episode with the guy who spells his name just like yours, except correctly.) -- K. And could someone please explain "The Masque Of Mandragora" to me without using the word "Fidelio"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:08:34 -0400 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The only safe speed is zero. You see, motion leads to collisions. > > But Einstein said I *was* doing zero. It was the lamppost doing 100. > Help me stop everything in the universe from moving! It might put > someone's eye out. Dear anemone, I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_. And thus the joy of pedantry was discovered. -- K. And now he's blind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 01:08:03 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig > > and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke > > someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible > > because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their > > skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_. > > Did you ever run around with your fist out, and then never got into > trouble, because you told the teacher "they ran into my fist!"? Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid. As a little kid, the move I relied on for self-defense was to kick people in the shin in the few instances where I couldn't run away. A couple times I shoved someone down. As an adult, I have, in a few cases, had to defend myself (the sort of grab-yank-shove combo to knock someone over that you do when you've only learned martial arts by accident) but I never get violent (or had to imply I was ready to get violent) with people unless they're seriously provoking me. The last three instances I can think of involved drunken, drugged-up, or crazy bums. One guy made the mistake of grabbing my shoulder because he didn't like that I had walked past him twice in one day without giving him the cigarette money he was demanding. I simply glowered at him and he got the message that he should never, ever touch me again. If he hadn't immediately let go, I would've grabbed his wrist and improvised from there. The second guy was the deranged "Cochise? Cochise? Cochise?" guy in the subway, I described him a few years ago. He was one of these people who simply would not listen when told in no uncertain terms to go away, so I simply grabbed his neck with my right hand and shoved him back a few feet to get his attention without hurting him much. He was so out of it that he started laughing, but he got the message and did it from a distance, eventually deciding to get into someone else's face with his one-note act until they did beat him up. The third guy I mentioned just a few weeks ago, a drunk or stoner who also got in my face and just would not listen to my insistence that I wanted him to leave me alone. He did not wish to comprehend the message "LEAVE ME ALONE. NOW." in a very firm voice, but his friend who was trying to take him home did, and dragged him away from me while I was mentally preparing a list of things to tell him I would do to him if he didn't buzz off. Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip, and I'm unafraid in these situations. Since the only people who go around picking fights with random people like me on the street are people suffering from some sort of defect or impairment, I know that in all three of the above incidents, had the creeps persisted in harassing me or if they had taken a swing at me, seconds later they would've been on the ground yelling for help. My feeling is that the only confrontations I'm ever likely to get into (which I might feel the need to escalate) would boil down to a matter of all-set-to-hurt- someone vs. too-fucking-drunk-to-know-you're-about-to-eat-curb. So to get back to your question, sorry, but I don't have the arm strength to grab an arm and make them punch their own face so that I can tell the police, "They kept hitting themselves, even though I was saying 'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!'" -- K. I should learn to throw a punch, given that I now have those leather gloves with the armored knuckles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:12:28 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid. > > I'm not sure I have ever *successfully* punched someone. Once a "friend" > of mine, the one who looked exactly like Scot Farkus ten years before > Scot Farkus was cast, promised to teach me to fight and instead just beat > me up--publicly. Once I tried to throw my books at someone who had > tripped me on the bus for the umpteenth time, and missed, got beat up, > and got to spend several hours over the next few months in the office > with this guy and the guidance counselor who thought there was something > I could do to resolve my problems with him. You should have called the school board and reported that the nutty guidance counselor had overdosed on "Davey & Goliath" cartoons. At least half of them are about how bullies are mean because they have no friends so if you try to play with them and act all submissive to them they'll stop picking on you. I think Art Clokey has a brain made from wadded-up clay. > Kicking never worked for me, either. Like Joe, I'm stuck with all > the extra-lame big-guy weapons: > > * Pushing. Mass and height are both advantages in this. I once > accidentally pushed a girl my own size backwards over a bench upon > either being tickled or having my hat stolen, I forget which. This was easier in the days when gals wore those spring-loaded hoopskirt-and-petticoat layers. Whenever they sat down, the gentlest touch could make them go "SPROING!" and do a triple backflip. Except that in those days, the onomatopoiea "SPROING!" hadn't yet been invented, it was probably some old-timey word like "ZOWIE!" > * Obstinately standing in the way. This one is generally fairly > effective until someone actually hits me. Obstinately slumping > against the wall with a minor concussion is somewhat less effective. > > * Accidentally stepping on feet. This one is useful really only when > you're beset by contradance pedants and/or showoffs who think during > the dance is the time to instruct you on how you're dancing all wrong. > If it could be done on purpose, it might have been useful on the bus. Well, still, your fighting techniques are less risible than the fights on "Walker, Texas Ranger". I wish Conan O'Brien would spend the entire show pulling that lever over and over. Walker and Conan are the funniest comedy team since Bob & David or Tim, Graeme, and Bill. -- K. I gotta remember that bit about stuffing a handful of dirt in my mouth to figure out whether a plane crashed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January) Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:03:31 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big > > wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip, > > and I'm unafraid in these situations. > > There aren't a lot of advantages to being an overweight guy but one > thing it does have going for it is that some of those types of people > won't mess with you because they seem to think that "big guy" = "tough > street-fightin' bruiser" for some reason, even if the big guy is a big > teddy bear like me. GROW SOME HAIR, BEAR! You need facial fur if you want to be the full stereotype. Also eventually you'll have to dress up as Santa to show the grandkids there's a reason God made you in his in a funhouse mirror. Start your beard now in case you have grandkids tomorrow. > It's weird how people simultaneously hold the stereotypes that a > big guy is both (1) out-of-shape and unable to move, and (2) powerful > and able to easily win a fight. And yet you never hear about Santa Claus beating up the bad people. All he does is give them free fossil fuel. The real reason skinny people don't try to beat up fat people? It's very tiring to have to repeatedly push a fist through all those virtual pillows you people wear. It's like you have a marshmallow force field. Its strength-sapping power is comparable to having to fight while on a treadmill set to an eighty-degree incline. Fat people are exhausting to clobber. -- K. Who would win in a fight between Santa Claus and Teddy Ruxpin, with pool cues? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:04:27 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't > > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he > > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to > > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired? > > If he was sending joke emails to everyone in the school, then tell > him to knock it off. If he was sending electricity into people's bodies, > that should result in a firing. Unless he's also the science teacher, in which case it's all right. Or maybe if he's also the sex ed teacher, if this is in one of those progressive places like Cambridge. (Not Boston! Boston's very conservative compared to Cambridge. In Boston, gay men can barely even get married!) -- K. I'd say giving someone a wedgie should be grounds for dismissal, as should anything else inducing physical pain and possible emotional trauma, such as electric shocks and/or the cafeteria's Beanee Weenee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:42:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > As we all know, everyone into S&M secretly worships evil and cuts > > people off in the passing lane. > > We all know that Terri has deemed insurance BORING BORING BORING. > Which usually it is, but those who have read more than 2 of my posts > know that I can always find something interesting going on at my > insurance company. These "Penthouse Forum" letters are so predictable! > The other day, a secretary in an agent's office calls up all > flustered. We verify policies which have had a Marshall & Swift run > on them (it estimates the replacement cost of a home), and we require > agents to provide photos of all 4 sides of any new homes we are > insuring. > So this secretary is in a fit. She got an obscene message from an > underwriter, she said. About BDSM. > I was more shocked that a secretary knew what BDSM was than at the > idea that an underwriter would send hawt I FLURT U messages, but I > checked the message myself, and found nothing. The agent, in the > background, tells the secretary to tell me, "Read it again!" > Turns out the agent, who is new, saw a message which read "Please > submit M&S. Also we need photos of all 4 sides of it." She misread it > because she is a prevert, got her secretary all in a lather, and phoned > me, apparently just to make my day. > I assured the secretary that photos of just two sides of the S&M were > acceptable. I was told I am NOT FUNNY. Too bad she didn't buy it -- it would have definitely been funny to see her booking a helicopter ride and then tunneling into the ground to get photos of the "top" and "bottom". I would have said it was acceptable to substitute an hour-long videotape for the photos, but that's just me. -- K. Even if it was just a videotape of a house sitting there motionless for an hour, Andy Warhol would have liked it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: highly Kibological sex education via the Three Stooges Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:32:04 -0400 [from www.suntimes.com] -> -> High school students take push for better sex ed to school board -> -> June 1, 2004 -> -> BY BRIAN LEWIS AND MAUDLYNE IHEJIRIKA -> Staff Reporters -> -> Pamela Norris says her high school sex-education class consisted -> of watching Three Stooges movies and coloring. Mine involved watching that "Happy Days" educational film where Tom Bosley told me not to smoke pot. Also the famous "engorged with blood" film. -> "It wasn't really based on sex," complained the student at Curie -> High School on the Southwest Side. What about the episodes where the three of them sleep together in a giant bed? Those had to be based on _something_, and if they're not based on sexual depravity, then I don't know why they made so many of those episodes. Is it possible there was just a misprint in the curriculum and "stages of arousal" came out as "stooges of arousal"? I have to go take a shower now. -> Norris is one of the Curie students enrolled in the Forefront -> Program, a leadership and political-action training course where -> teens each year select an issue to research. This year's issue: -> teen pregnancy. -> -> What the students learned brought a dozen Curie teens to last -> week's monthly meeting of the Chicago Board of Education to -> demand the public schools ditch their current sex ed curriculum -> for one that would stimulate today's sexually aware teens. Must... resist... urge... to bring on... the Dancing Bears of "WINK!!!!!!!!" -> "The sex ed programs don't teach," said 15-year-old sophomore -> Chris Jedrol. "We never even got to the part of the health book -> with the sex ed chapters. Students want to be more involved with -> creating the curriculum." I want to know what sort of health book has all the Three Stooges material in the front. Usually they put that filler in the back so that all the M&M and Prell ads can go in the front. -> State law requires that all public schools touch on AIDS, HIV and -> sexually transmitted diseases in the classroom. Under Title V of -> the 1996 Welfare Reform Act, the law was changed to stress -> abstinence and proper contraceptive use. "Remember, kids, never have sex, and always wear a condom 24 hours a day while never having sex." Is it any wonder the kids just ignore the contradictory propaganda? -> [...] -> -> Armed with survey results and their research, which found teen -> pregnancy on the rise in minority and low-income communities, the -> teens began leaning on Curie Principal Jerryelyn Jones for a more -> informative sex education curriculum, and asked her permission to -> make contraceptives available to Curie students attending prom. -> -> But Jones rejected their request to set up a table in the -> lunchroom where students could get condoms. Especially because the lunchroom needed to save all the condoms for the "vegetable lasagna". -> While she agrees there are inconsistencies in the Chicago Public -> Schools' sex ed curriculum and wants to work with the students to -> create a more uniform sex ed course, Jones said she wasn't -> willing to go as far as offering condoms. -> -> "It wasn't me that was against it. I have to respect the rights -> of all students, including those whose religious beliefs teach -> abstinence," Jones said. Psst: Hey, lady, know those Coke(R) brand vending machines you had installed to make money off the kids? Have you considered _selling_ condoms? That could raise enough money to buy you a pair of pliers so you could remove the rod up your ass. Also, my religious beliefs teach me that all bozo principals should be forced to watch me have sex with the top 100 Victoria's Secret lingerie models and/or Jai from "Queer Eye", whichever is easier to obtain. WHY ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MY RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO HUMILIATE YOU FOR BEING A JERK? -> So the students took their complaints to the school board. -> -> After hearing them out, Board President Michael Scott was -> impressed, and Schools CEO Arne Duncan promised to work with the -> students. -> -> "Forty percent of students are already sexually active by the -> time they get to high school. But when we try to get uniform -> sex ed implemented, many parents come to us and say they want -> it out," Scott told the students. Wasn't "Uniform Sex Ed" one of the Village People? -> "We want to get teens in tune with these issues," Duncan said. -> "So push your parents." Yeah! Go home and convince your parents they shouldn't even try to teach you about the birds and bees! Tell them to let the school do it! Because there is no better way to appreciate the beauty and joyousness of sex than to have a gym teacher show you a filmstrip made in 1972! -- K. You may now advance to the next frame. BEEP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To my drugs Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:03:56 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (Lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Subject: To my drugs > > > > Thank you for killing the migraine so well > > Dear Lots42; > > Your brain wouldn't hate you so much if you didn't feed it such a steady > diet of comic books all the time. It needs some *real* food now and > then. Poke your mind up with a little e.e.cummings. Try some Mark > Twain or some Sylvia Plath (preferably not one after the other, though). Maybe he should start with Daniel Pinkwater and Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut and later work his way up to the hard stuff so his comic-book-addled brain doesn't go all Flaming Carrot on him when he stumbles across the "Halt And Catch Fire" tripwire between his frontal lobes. > Then, if you still have migraines, get your revenge by reading "Atlas > Shrugged". *That'll* put the fear into your brain, right certain. If someone were to mail me a free copy of "Atlas Shrugged" and/or "The Fountainhead" and/or "Interview With A Vampire" I promise I would write a wacky parody of any of those Ayn Rand books, perhaps after reading them, perhaps before. And then you could read my wacky story instead of having to slog through icky Ayn Rand. I might even do this for books that aren't by Ayn Rand, too. Hey, if I can handle her, I can conquer anything. Send me bad books now! You know the address: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 -- K. Include $5 if you would like to be in the story. State your name, age, hobbies, and favorite sports hero. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:45 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants > appeared to have exploded": > -> > -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock > -> > -> The Associated Press > -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM > -> > -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower > -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal, > -> utility officials said. > -> > -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit. > -> > -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he > -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower > -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his > -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said. Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because he might have just come from Denny's. > -> Grisham scaled the fence around the tower about 6:30 a.m. and then > -> started to climb the tower itself, rising 12 to 15 feet before he > -> "received a dose of ... electricity and was knocked to the ground," > -> said police, who were seeking a toxicology report. It might have been that secret new poison electricity the CIA has been developing to be blasted into our faces via cable TV! > -> "Contact with that level of voltage is almost always fatal," > -> Cinergy/PSI spokeswoman Angeline Protegere said. She noted that > -> household voltage is mostly 120 volts. Um... does someone want to explain to the power-company spokeswoman about the difference between volts and volts times amps? I mean, you can make that many volts by just rubbing a kitty's fur backwards, and it won't even kill you, though it might claw you up. > -> Protegere said the shock disrupted power to 6,800 customers. The fence > -> Grisham climbed is 7 feet tall and has three strands of barbed wire on > -> top of it. > -> > -> Protegere said that to the left and right of the spot where he climbed > -> over are "clearly visible signs" saying "Danger/High Voltage." But according to the spokeswoman, high voltage is everywhere, even in our homes, so why should we pay any attention to any signs about it being in other places? We should just label the few things that are safe to touch because they have only 9 volts in them, like stun guns. -- K. Serves him right for having those packets of microwave popcorn in his pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tornados Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:43:49 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > We don't have one of them now, but it _is_ currently hailing, > thunderstorming, and sunshining all at once. The alarm on the church > next door has apparently decided this is an Act of God, so that it > should woop woop woop loudly... Is is the First Church Of Curly, or the Second Church Of The Second Curly Joe? Today we had a nasty cloudburst here which soaked me clear through all my layers of clothing before I even got as far as the bus stop. I wasn't wearing my leathers today, because I knew we were in for some rain. However, it was only lightly sprinkling when I was getting dressed to go out, so I didn't put on my fire-engine red rubberized rainsuit. I only get about two chances a year to wear it, and I just missed one. Fortunately, the rain did not wash all the beautiful dye out of my ugly hair. Where was I? Oh, yes, _you_ live next door to a church. _I_ live across the street from a _basilica_. That's a church that turns you to stone if you look at it. Unless you counteract that effect by allowing the nuns to look at you naked as often as they want, which seems to be a lot. I may have mentioned this twenty or thirty times before, but they're just too damn lazy to come over and ask me to roll my shades down. I wonder if they're the ones making it rain on me. -- K. The nuns probably put all those Al-Qaeda people in my building, too. The nuns know a god who knows Allah personally. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:02:04 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > What is the word for letting the dog inside so it can go wake someone up > by jumping on the bed and licking their face? Poor Spot! He had to go inside and lick Bob Hope's face until he woke up! And he was old and scaly! And dead! Spot licked and licked until he licked hard enough to make Bob Hope come back to life. Then Bob Hope killed Spot. Then Spot stayed dead until he licked himself enough to wake himself up. Then he and Bob Hope went outside and the door slammed behind them and there was nobody left on Earth to ever let them back in again because by now everyone else had evolved into clouds of super-intelligent spores that lived outside the Universe, in the Land Of Eternal Sparkles. Spot and Bob Hope cried! > Also it was fun to hide under the covers and have the two Jack Russels > my parents had try and dig you out. Good thing your parents didn't have two Helena Russells. Or worse, one Helena Russell and one Bob Hope. -- K. Helena Russell licking Bob Hope. There. Now that I've mentioned that on the Internet, _everybody's_ gay. You're welcome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:03:40 -0400 Another thing we need a word for: When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount someone else is going to be donating. Whoops, someone just outbid me on that autographed Wil Wheaton book. Now St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital is going to get an extra two dollars and fifty cents but I still don't know the term for what just happened... What wanted word works where wacky World Wide Web's Wil "Wesley" Weaton's weirdly wonderful work went while well-wishing weak wimpy waifs? http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 -- K. Go bid it up so I don't have to! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need a word for Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 14:52:14 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Another thing we need a word for: > > > > When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well > > you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising > > to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount > > someone else is going to be donating. > > And we need a complementary word for when you bid in a charity auction > knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about > temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up > the actual amount someone else is going to be donating, and then you > aren't. Outbid, I mean. Hey, if I were _sure_ I'd be outbid, I would have bid like a million billion zillion dollars so the sick kids got enough money for two and a half new kidneys each, but since I figured it might turn out that I'd crush everyone else in my quest to prove I was the nicest person on the planet, I only bid an amount I could afford (about twenty dollars over the previous high bid) because I have a big enough brain to know that there might be some jerk out there who wants to give more money to charity than I do. So I ran the price up about twenty dollars and had the high bid for about a day before someone came along and decided they wanted to pay more. Charity auctions always strike me as a weird way to raise funds. The prize doesn't go to whoever _donates_ the most, it goes to whoever offers to donate the most, and then all the other people say "Whew! Now I don't have to donate anything!" I wonder whether they'd get more money or less money if they did it the other way around. Or they could do it Hofstadter-style and divide up the prize equally among all donors in proportion to how much they donated, i.e. everyone who donated $1 would get a letter "e" from Wil Wheaton's memoirs and people who donated more might get at least half a page. But I suppose the cost of ripping the book into 5000 pieces and mailing all of them would destroy the profit margin for the sick kids. Someone would have to donate thousands of dollars in postage which would then be wasted in an effort to raise hundreds of dollars. So many this is a stupid idea. Remember, folks, you will be buying a _whole_ copy of Wil Wheaton's "Dancing Barefoot" here when you help some children who are really sick: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228 ...how sick are these kids? Remember the kids in "Patch Adams"? And remember how violently ill you got while watching him trying to amuse them? That's how sick they are. And the only thing that can cure them is for you to buy this book. -- K. And stop asking if I ghostwrote it. It's not even my style. Even the parts about Shatner being evil. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Someone too pervy for England? Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:16:57 -0400 [from reuters.co.uk] -> -> Fetishist banned from hospitals -> Wed 2 June, 2004 21:49 -> -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in -> England and Wales, the NHS says. Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & Battery. -> Unemployed Norman Hutchins, 53, has harassed and abused medical -> staff more than 40 times since January in his quest for surgical -> masks and gowns, a court in York was told. -> -> The court banned him from all private and NHS hospitals and -> doctors' and dentists' offices. The joke here would be so obvious that I won't even describe how obvious the joke that would go here would be if I did describe it so I won't. Nyah. -> Hutchins tried to obtain medical items by feigning illness, or -> claiming to need them for a fancy dress run or an amateur play, -> the Times reported on Wednesday. So he has a surgical-mask fetish but a fear of drugstores and mail-order catalogs? -> "(He has) caused harassment, alarm and distress to NHS staff when -> attempting to obtain gowns and surgical masks in person or on the -> phone," an NHS spokesman said in a statement. Bless the British phone system for being able to send surgical masks through those tiny wires. -> More than 30 local health organisations banned him with civil -> injunctions, but Hutchins kept moving to new areas. -> -> Hutchins' lawyer Harry Bayman said his client "was not a well -> man", but accepted the court's decision. -> -> If he needs medical treatment, Hutchins will be allowed to visit -> hospitals or doctors under strictly controlled conditions or with -> prior written consent. What if he has a fetish for strictly controlled conditions? What if he has a fetish for court injunctions? Will the court rule that no court will ever be allowed to issue an injunction against him? What if he has a fetish for not being allowed to have a fetish? What if he married Bizarro and they had a kid who came out half backwards and half weird? -- K. Were there any episodes where Hot Lips wore her surgical mask at the same time she cracked her whip? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Someone too pervy for England? Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 20:54:59 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has > > -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in > > -> England and Wales, the NHS says. > > > > Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & > > Battery. > > But you can still go to Canadian Tyre! Already got banned from there for asking too many employees if I could sit in the Michelin Man's lap. Apparently you're only allowed to do that eleven times before they tell you to leave. And then there was the incident at Roots, that stuff at Hudson's Bay Trading Company, and of course that unpleasantness with the barbecue sauce at Zellers. Not to mention that the first time I was in Toronto, the Canadian government forbade me from visiting the CN Tower. In fact, the only place in Canada where I'm still permitted is the Alberta Telephone Museum, and it's not even as much fun as it sounds. -- K. Don't get me started on what happened when I dressed up as Tim Horton and went into a doughnut shop with a bloody steering wheel embedded in my face. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8 Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:02:20 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Subject: instant review: spicy hot V8 > > Thoroughly unpleasant. V8 used to have an intermediate flavor, "Picante", which was halfway between regular and "Spicy Hot" V8 -- it basically tasted like tomato juice with vinegar in it, instead of tomato juice with vinegar and a tiny amount of hot pepper in it. I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor. If you want a fun spicy cocktail, get Frank's Chile & Lime flavor hot sauce and drink that right from the bottle. (The Chile & Lime Frank's is a little weaker than regular Frank's, but still has that nice Frank's pepper flavor, plus a little cumin and garlic.) There's also a Lemon V8, which is just plain wrong (lemon plus tomato equals unholy cross-contamination of two fruit juices) and a Calcium Enriched V8, which should be fed to condemned prisoners in lieu of their last meal but only if they killed over 10,000 people. Speaking of hot pepper in cold drinks, for fun try adding just a tiny shot of hot sauce to something like a cold Coke. One or two drops should give the drink a lot more zip for most people. My preferred drink enhancers are as follows: For Coke or Pepsi, hot sauce; for Dr Pepper, synthetic grenadine; for 7-Up or Sprite (if I am forced to drink such things) synthetic blue raspberry syrup. For milk, malt flavored Ovaltine (the yellow jar, the one with the malt but not the chocolate.) -- K. I wonder why I'm suddenly getting thirsty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8 Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:21:05 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick > > to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when > > it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other > > words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor. > > My main problem with it was that somehow the spiciness happily skipped > right over my lips and tongue and landed only upon my esophagus. How in > the name of Holy Kibo, whose personal spiciness quotient knows no > bounds, did they manage that? Hot sauce has active components -- a flavor you taste with your tongue, and heat that soaks in through any of your nerve endings (lips, throat, stomach, urethra, wherever it gets.) That's why I like Frank's better than Tabasco, because it has both flavor and heat. Something that's just heat with no pleasant flavor, such as Tabasco, is best consumed by gulping it down so it makes you high from your stomach, because it'll make your mouth hurt if you dawdle. Hot sauce in the stomach doesn't produce as much pain as it does in the mouth, but it'll still get you all jazzed up. You'll note that the effect of having it in your stomach isn't just a stomach feeling, but you can get a full-body rush, all those endorphins and what-not. It makes me feel like Godzilla -- huge and looking for things to crush. Frank's and Texas Pete make "extra hot" varieties, which are just their standard sauces plus extra capsaicin -- that gives it a lot more pain with no additional flavor. I prefer the relatively mild sauces (such as regular Frank's, and Frank's Chile & Lime) because I can use them in large quantities to get a lot of heat and a lot of flavor too. (The "extra hot" I do use on things that are going to be baked, like chicken nuggets and pizza, because sauces lose some of their heat when they dry up. The regular sauce is for adding to food after it's cooked.) Hot sauce in a cold beverage stings more than hot sauce in warm food. The spicy V8 isn't all that hot but it does sting a bit. If it's beyond your tolerance, I recommend having some bread or rice or something after you guzzle it as quickly as you can. (Don't sip it slowly, you'll wind up with more pain. Get it down, then have something bland to scrape it off your throat walls.) Whatever you do, don't mix it with Pop Rocks. -- K. That's how Richard Feynman died in Vietnam. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: lobster music Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:24:37 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Zippity zappity > Benjamin Frankalin > Scientist, diplomat, > Of whom we boast > > Lucked out when acting as > Potentiometer: > Toast of the nation, he > Could've been toast. Pervert's Corpse Found In Town Common The Philadelphia Enquirer July 3, 1776 by Button Gannett Philadelphia -- After yesterday's thunderstorm cleared, amid the damp grass of Society Hill, the corpse of a fat naked man was discovered, with a long string tied to his penis. A skeleton key was hanging from the string, and its purpose was a mystery until it was discovered to fit the chastity belt which had been removed and discarded near the pervert. The local constable dispatched a team of urchins to follow the string to find out what was at the other end, and across the Delaware River, a kite was discovered lodged between two crackhouses in Camden. A local man by the name of Gigolo Joe was sent to the roof to retrieve it. Mr. Joe theorizes that perhaps the roasted pervert was attempting to discover whether it was possible to have sex with an electrical appliance, and then Mr. Joe yelled "WINK!!!!" and then the movie managed to get even worse before the ending and then the filler and then the other ending and then the more filler and then the other other ending. No identification was found on the pervert's corpse, although he was carrying a checklist which read: THINGS TO INVENT [X] Post Office [X] library [X] fire department [X] fire insurance [X] fire extortion [X] eyeglasses [X] stove [X] harmonica [X] odometer [X] French fries [X] tofu [ ] swivel chair "DAMN YOU, THOMAS JEFFERSON!" was written below that, and in smaller letters, "Note to self: Find out means to prolong my life until I can screw Diana Rigg at the Hellfire Club. Must end this note now because I have to begin my 'air bath' in time for the fife-and-drum parade to pass by my open window. Oh, my." If anyone has any information as to the identity of the deceased, please contact Independence Hall so we can honor his sexual research by adding his picture to our future paper money even though he will never be a President. -- K. This was a true story, especially the parts about Spielberg's "A.I.", which really did suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:48:18 -0400 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having > fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me. With me, those two events go in the other order. > Thanks you. A/S/L? -- K. Precisely what signs would these be? Will you start dotting your "i"s with little hearts in some horrible perversion of the typewriter font I'm reading this in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 18:07:11 -0400 ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > > > > > In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having > > > fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me. > > > > With me, those two events go in the other order. > > I was beginning to wonder if that was what I was missing, but it > apparently wasn't. No heavy objects were involved, at least. But were they thrown at you kindly? That makes all the difference. If they throw them in anger, it's more likely to cause divorce that love. > > > Thanks you. > > > > A/S/L? > > I always read that as "Advanced Squad Leader" and that seems kind of > a strange question. It's short for "Asparagus/Spinach/Leeks?" which is the way nerds ask each other which is their favorite vegetable, among the three nerds like. I would say leeks. > > Precisely what signs would > > these be? Will you start > > dotting your "i"s with little > > hearts in some horrible > > perversion of the typewriter > > font I'm reading this in? > > Well, I was wondering the same thing, actually, except for the bit about > the little hearts, but I think that when I disappear for three months or > so, it may be a sign that I have fallen in love. Of course, it could also > be a sign that I'm dead or bored or that my monitor finally got around to > exploding or all of the above, but still. > It's probably a sign of something, anyway. Maybe your monitor wants to explode because it secretly loves you. By the way, are crushes transitive? That is, if you have a crush on someone, and then a third person develops a crush on you, is there a way you can just step back so that the gap closes up and the third person goes after the other one and you're scot-free of any and all romantic entanglements? -- K. Why are Scots free? I thought they were cheap, not free. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks! Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:37:38 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > BTW, at the same time I was experimenting with grenadine. > > YOU FOOL! IT'S MADE FROM REAL GRENADES! DON'T DRINK IT OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO THROW THEMSELVES ON YOU TO SAVE A THIRD PARTY FROM THE EXPLOSION AND THEN THEY MIGHT GROW UP TO BE HITLER! THE PRIME DIRECTIVE FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! > Soon, only bathing nightly in mango lassi will satiate your exotic > fruit desire. And eventually, when your money runs out, you'll have to keep re-using it and spend week after week bathing in the same mangy lassi. > NOTE: I call dibs on 'Exštic FrŸit Desire' as a band name. By day, we > will be Fruit of the Loom spokesmodels, by night... WE SHALL ROCK! If I were Conan O'Brien, I'd say something about Joel Goddard. -- K. Do condoms prevent the spread of yellow fever? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 02:37:55 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > Who sings the theme song that plays over the title sequence in > > > the Disney cartoon version of Peter Pan? > > > > "The Jud Conlon Chorus" > > "You're Welcome" > > I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the > way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF? > It's now part of the cool table creed to just not say "OK"? OK, it is now. OK, everyone here at the cool table, never say "OK", OK? > I'm not looking for a Happy Snoopy Dance of acceptance, but several > times questions has been tossed out in to the either - which (after a > properly respectful period) I tossed in a useless (but randomly correct) > answer. Go figure. The answers are actually correct - lord knows why the > questions have been asked, but that's between you and Kibo. Some questions: a) What's the difference between "ether" and "either"? b) What's the difference between a Happy Snoopy Dance and a Happy Hamster Dance? c) What about a Happy Hamster Dance In A Nappy Hamper? d) Why don't you ever answer my _important_ questions instead of ones about Disney cartoons about fictional characters that people liked during the Victorian era back when all literature was designed to encourage pedophilia? e) Speaking of Peter Pan, why do more fictional characters have brands of peanut butter named after them than any other semi-solid colloidal food products? f) Because you are the expert in answering "mildly gay" questions about The Green-Leotard-Wearing Glee Chorus For Men Only, does that make you _extremely_ mildly gay or just _regular_ mildly gay? > You may now proceed with the mocking - Mr. Wilson is particularly > qualified for the most hostile approaches,... You insult me by implying that I can't be as hostile as someone whose idea of putting someone down consists of pointing out that that he teaches at a college. (My idea of putting someone down _also_ consists of pointing out that Kevin teaches at a college, but I also have the power to call people extremely mildly gay, you nearly metrosexual person.) -- K. g) What color are the dancing bears? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:10:30 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > ÂR \\ "More people are killed in cars every day than are > > \\ killed by gay marriages. Why not outlaw cars?" > > Thing is, that's actually a good idea. No way. I don't want to get married and then go jogging down the street with a bunch of tin cans tied to my nuts. I say we allow cars for gay marriages. In fact, make it mandatory -- anyone who wants to drive a car has to have a gay marriage (and not just to the car, Hasselhoff-style.) -- K. I still want to know if it's legal to put the same name in both blanks on the marriage license to marry myself. I'd ask GLAAD but I think they're busy being technical advisors to Horatio Sanz movies. Of course, if it comes to pass that a driver's license requires a gay marriage, it will lead to the creation of GLAAAD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:53:20 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I say we allow cars for gay marriages. In fact, make it mandatory -- > > anyone who wants to drive a car has to have a gay marriage (and not > > just to the car, Hasselhoff-style.) > > You know that other thread, where you were laughing at the implication > that being gay makes you obese? > > I'm not going to spell it out, OK? What, are you saying I should get a car? And then drive around until I get really wide? And then you'd tease me about being a bear every time I allowed a string of (fully heterosexual) dancing bears to hold up signs mocking someone's obvious inanity? And you'd put a ring in my nose with a leash on it and sell me to an organ-grinder in Bulgaria? And I'd have to dance for the tourists? And you'd be the organ-grinder? And it wouldn't be _that_ kind of "organ"? And you'd spend all the money we earned buying yourself a pogo stick so you could ride it around all day without getting fat? WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME JUST BECAUSE IT'S POSSIBLE THAT SOMEDAY I COULD BE FAT INSTEAD OF SO WONDERFULLY SVELTE? Or did you just mean that David Hasselhoff is fat? -- K. He sure has fat hair! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 15:36:53 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the > > way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF? > > Yeah, we have to have our weekly conference on who's cool, whom Seth > should troll mercilessly in the next few days, what colour Kibo should > pretend to dye his hair, that sort of thing. I have to pretend it's brilliant orange right now in order to cover up the fact that I took a job in the orange juice factory where I have to stir the vats with my head. This morning I had a dream that a chick in an amusement park (she operated the log-flume ride, just in case that means anything) complimented me on my hair and beard but insisted I should grow my beard "pointier". She had solid bright reddish-magneta hair... and a full beard. Can someone please say something to me that will make me not be creeped out by this dream? -- K. If I were only pretending to dye my hair, don't you think I'd also be pretending everyone loved it, instead of everyone but the woman who needed my beard pointier? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Denny's in the news Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 16:48:49 -0400 [from www.stltoday.com] -> -> Ex-cook is charged with tainting food -> By William Lamb -> Of the Post-Dispatch -> 06/03/2004 -> -> A former night-shift cook at the Denny's restaurant on Illinois -> Route 3 in Waterloo has been charged with aggravated battery -> after being accused of contaminating food and watching customers -> eat it, authorities said Thursday. -> -> Police said that Anthony J. Lindhorst, 26, of Waterloo, -> deliberately contaminated food on at least two occasions by -> putting his semen into the honey-mustard dressing that the -> restaurant serves with its chicken strips, said Capt. Suzanne -> Sweet of the Waterloo police. The incidents occurred in November -> and April, police said. And then nine months later, a bunch of nuns gave birth to... Wait, that's a different joke. I'll put that back in my filing cabinet of Dirty Jokes About Restaurant Workers Masturbating, which is 49% about how they frost Krispy Kremes, and 49% about how they make the holes in Krispy Kremes, and 1% about what Kurt Vonnegut likes to do with a rolling Krispy Kreme, and 1% about everything else. -> On both occasions, Lindhorst targeted "people that he didn't -> like, for one reason or another," Sweet said. You don't want to know what he gave the people he _did_ like. -> One was a woman in her early 40s. The other victim, Sweet said, -> was a male police officer in his late 20s who had issued -> Lindhorst a traffic ticket. -> -> A judge in Monroe County this week found probable cause for -> Lindhorst to stand trial on four counts of aggravated battery. I thought Denny's chicken strips were breaded, not battered. -> Sweet said that Lindhorst worked at the restaurant for about a -> year until he was fired in April for bringing brownies to work -> that he had baked with marijuana. Lindhorst served the brownies -> to two co-workers and that two of the aggravated battery charges -> stem from that incident, Sweet said. "aggravated"? "Yes, your honor, I put the illegal drugs in their food, and I jerked off into the dipping sauce, but I had an excuse." -> Waterloo police launched an investigation into the incidents on -> May 12 after three witnesses came forward with information, Sweet -> said. Lindhorst was arrested May 17. -> -> Kris Reitz, the Monroe County state's attorney, declined to -> comment on the case Thursday -> -> Lindhorst, who is out on bond, also could not be reached. -> -> In addition to being unpleasant, NO, REALLY? -> Lindhorst's alleged behavior also carries serious health risks, NO, REALLY? -> Sweet said. Both victims have undergone blood tests that so far -> have found no evidence of communicable disease, Sweet said. And even if they had any, they probably would've just caught it from the filthy, disgusting food at Denny's, like millions of other people do. If anything, adding sperm to the recipe probably made it cleaner. And less slimy. But to fix the problem of sperm contamination in their food, Denny's is going to increase the quantity of nonoxynol-9 in the silicone-based lube they fry their food in. And now, some highlights of things I've recently said about Denny's. //////////// RE-RUNS BEGIN HERE, COVER YOUR EYES NOW //////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:46:29 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim > > meals". (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into > > the kosher meals!) > > Yeah, AS IF anything at Denny's would ever be considered kosher, halal, or > paraburnachadranda. It's all soaked in cheap bacon grease that other and > therefore better restaurants would sell to soap makers. I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. The stuff Denny's fries their hash browns (which are neither) in is actually Bac*Os grease, which they make by adding Magic Solution to some magenta Magic Rocks, waiting for them to grow into trees of Bac*Os, then they pour the leftover Magic Solution into a frying pan and drop in the pre-cooked frozen artificial hash browns. Oh, and the frying pan has a little microwave emitter in the bottom. This is why Denny's employees have to wear metal masks. At least that's what the one covered in blood told me. I remember before they changed their name from "Sambo's". (Incidentally, it was allegedly named after their founders, Sam and Bo, but still they obviously had Little Black Sambo as their mascot.) I suspect that diligent historial research would uncover what the restaurants were named before "Sambo's", probably something even more offensive, like "Pauly Shore". I wonder what he's up to... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE? -- K. (insert footage of several toddlers beating the tar out of Pauly Shore while he rolls on the ground and cries. In the background, his chauffeur is holding the limo door open, waiting for him to cease being beaten. This will never happen. The End.) //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE /////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:37:17 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their > > breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat > > opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. > > THIS BACON HAS MULTIPLE SECURITY FEATURES TO PREVENT FORGERY. SORRY > ABOUT THE ALL CAPS, IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY. VOID IN BEDPAN. Please, it was burned _sausages_ they were drawing out of the bedpan to choose who would go to the front lines in that "M*A*S*H" episode. I think you're confusing the "Bacon In A Bottle" segment of "The Special Show" with the "Diaper Burger" segment of "The Special Show" and the "Bee In A Balloon" segment of "The Prisoner (Now With Bees)". Oh, wait, it was a pun. STOP THIS ARTICLE, I HAVE DETECTED A PUN!!!! I MUST REMAKE MY REPLY IN ITS IMAGE!!! Um... bacon pun, bacon pun... pacon bun... bacon in a bedpun... bacon-lax... bacon burlap... echo team delta dinosaur... wox woxwox... glink... um... *** NO BACON PUNS FOUND, USING BACKUP PUN "What do you call a really weak pun?" "I don't know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I want to know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you absolutely, positively, want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I absolutely, positively MUST know what you call a really weak pun!" "PUN-Y! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS!!!!" "I don't get it." "It was a long U!" "An overly-distended inflatable sheep?" "No, I meant... WAAH, YOU CAN SAY PUNS TOO! MY LIFESTYLE IS RUINED!" -- K. (Kibo begins slowly turning the crank that cancels out all puns forever) //////////// RE-RUNS KEEP COMING, BECAUSE YOU WERE BAD ////////////////////// [excerpted from "The Special Show!" for Halloween, 2001] (CUT TO:) ("DENNY'S" sign) (music: perky) NARRATOR (voiceover) It's time for breakfast at Denny's! (Interior of Denny's. A PREPPY MAN and PREPPY WOMAN enter and a WAITRESS meets them.) PREPPY MAN Table for two, please. WAITRESS Smoking or non-smoking? (We see an area of the restaurant where all the tables on the right side of the screen are covered by a thick cloud of cigarette smoke which somehow stays away from the other tables.) PREPPY MAN Non-smoking, please. WAITRESS One-sided table or two? (We see a bunch of normal tables on the right, and some Mobius-strip-shaped ones on the left. A BUSBOY is setting out silverware on one of the flat tables, and he puts some on the top and some on the underside.) PREPPY WOMAN Regular two-sided table, please. WAITRESS And... one Hitler or two? PREPPY MAN & WOMAN (together) Whaaaaaat? WAITRESS (perky) At Denny's, Hitler always eats free! ONE HITLER AND TWO HITLERS (all together) An order of onion rings for everyone! That guy will pay for it! PREPPY MAN No I won't. We're leaving. WAITRESS Shot as you try to escape, or beaten to death? ("DENNY'S" sign) NARRATOR (voiceover) Denny's. There is no escape! //////////// OH MY, MORE RE-RUNS //////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 02:16:47 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Everyone's heard of a college professor who challenges students to prove > that the chair exists. I haven't. However, I just spent the last twenty minutes telling alt.religion.kibology all about my MINT IN BOX INFLATABLE JAR JAR CHAIR when I should have been doing my laundry, but now I'm depressed because you just made me realize that I can't prove it exists because I've never opened the box and thus it could be something else that feels like a big wad of vinyl, like a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. [...] //////////// ONE MORE THEN YOU CAN GO HOME AND CRY ////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:48 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants > appeared to have exploded": > -> > -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock > -> > -> The Associated Press > -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM > -> > -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower > -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal, > -> utility officials said. > -> > -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit. > -> > -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he > -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower > -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his > -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said. Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because he might have just come from Denny's. [...] //////////// RE-RUNS END HERE, BUT ONLY 'TIL MIDNIGHT /////////////////////// And that last one was posted just three days ago! And now, three days later, we have actual documented newspaper evidence that Denny's puts spooge in their sauce, just as I almost implied! -- K. And then there's Arby's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 19:15:13 -0400 In ne.general, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > Where around the web would there be the texts or extracts of the > O'Neil play... > The Iceman Cometh > > and the Eugene O'Neil short story... > Tomorrow > ? Every fiber of my being is resisting the urge to bring out ten million glowing, sparkling, rainbow-colored dancing bears blowing giant tubas that spew out banners that read "GO TO THE FUCKING LIBRARY, DON!" followed by an anteater holding up a little sign saying "Or at least go to www.google.com and type in 'How do I find www.google.com?'" Don, I've formulated a theory that you have never even been in the Boston Public Library and your constant blathering about the BPL and Bernie Margolis is just disinformation to keep us from realizing that you're not allowed to cross the street, let alone willing to walk into a whole building that has doors and stuff. I challenge you to prove me wrong -- tell us something that only someone who's ever been inside the Boston Public Library could know. I daaaaaare you. -- K. In fact, I was having lunch with BPL President Bernie Margolis just yesterday and he said he'd never heard of you, no matter how many different ways I described you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 06:33:37 -0400 [in response to a challenge to Don to prove he's ever been in the library his life allegedly revolves around] In ne.general and alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@gnu.org) wrote: > > Not thinking Thinking > Don't make me think Thinks that make us think > Obvious Requires thought > .... Milliseconds of thought > .... .... > .... .... Either you're trying to tell me you haven't actually been to the Boston Public Library, or else you're trying to say it would be a big mistake for me to pick you as my partner for "The $25,000 Pyramid". Fortunately, I think Dick Clark said that if I ever travel back in time to be on his show, I'll be paired with Skip Stephenson or possibly Valerie Bertinelli, so I should do fine. Now, Don, either build me a time machine or tell us some detail of the interior of the Boston Public Library which will demonstrate you've ever been in there -- and it doesn't count if you just spent all day stuck going around and around in the revolving door. You could FedEx me a Polaroid of you holding up today's newspaper attached to those big wooden sticks that mark it as an official library newspaper. I'd buy that as evidence, provided you could also prove you don't have lots of those big wooden sticks around your home. Come to think of it, forget that idea, because I imagine you have hundreds of those, and keep your learner's permit and boxer shorts and cat permanently clamped into them. Tell you what. Just steal any book from the library and send it to me. Then I'll tell everyone you're a good user of the library. Note: I just got "Clean Needle Technique" by Belluomini so please don't make it that book. Thank you for your cooperation. -- K. I could also use the widescreen DVD of "Barbarella" as long as you're out shoplifting for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: McDonalds Statues Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:39:17 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So...anyone remember those statues outside of McDonalds, with > Ronald McDonald sitting with one leg across the other? Yes, they're still around. It's de rigeur for anyone with a photoblog to pose with one of those. Unless, of course, the blogger in question is Ronald McDonald, in which case he has to pose with PETA or Greenpeace cutting off his head with a giant chainsaw or something. I put my arm around a Ronald McDonald once, but it was only one of those statues so that hardly counts as touching a clown. > Since they created a big hole in his lap, more then one kid has > gotten his head stuck in said hole. Wonder what happened to the > statues. Since obviously they dumped 'em. Didn't they? If you had even a quarter pound of compassion, you'd be asking what happened to the _kids_. OH MY GOD, McSOYLENT NUGGETS ARE... eh, I'm bored. Going to the mall now. -- K. Ronald's just not as huggable as Bibendum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological job? Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:56:20 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > In Dallas, there is a Courtesy Patrol that drives the freeways, > helping motorists with problems like flat tires, overheated engines > and such. > > Well, on the way to work one day, I was driving behind one of their > pickup trucks. Traffic was slow, and I could read the lettering on the > tailgate. > > It said: > > "State of Texas Courtesy Patrol" > "Enforcement Division" > > Now, this just seems odd to me. What are they enforcing? Courtesy? Are > they dressed all in leather, with armored gloves, floggers and an > eagerness to bring courtesy to the masses? It's like if Captain Kangaroo's rank wasn't merely honorary. Y'all call him "Captain Sir", y'hear? Else he's gonna teach you some politeness, and if there are any Ping-Pong balls involved, there's gonna be a bunny-floggin'. > If so, it sure isn't working, judging from the other drivers out here... I take it you've never visited Boston. When you do, bring several hundred of those squishy stress balls. You'll shred at least three just making that turn at Beacon & Arlington in front of "Cheers". And don't even ask about getting out of the airport parking garage with your original blood pressure. -- K. It's not an "eagerness", it's a moral obligation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological job? Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:48:10 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I take it you've never visited Boston. > > Non-driver that he is, Kibo knows of what he speaks. Hell, yes. This is one reason I don't drive. Boston's traffic scares the hell out of me. > I learned to drive in Dallas. In comparison, I find New York City > driving to be pretty much like sleepwalking, and Boston driving to be > more akin to trying to jump onto the spinning merry-go-round while > the class bullies in the middle of it hurl rocks and rotting fruit at you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Boston's drivers are far more evil than New York's. In New York's, you have aggressive skilled drivers competing with you. In Boston, you have very aggressive _bad_ drivers competing with you and/or caroming off your car as if the other drivers are imitating chimps playing video games. Boston's drivers are the ones which accelerate towards pedestrians, speed up when it rains, and, of course, make left turns through red lights without slowing down. I am so glad we have a pretty good public-transit system. Taxis are plentiful, too, but only if you're white. You don't have to go too far outside Boston to discover that the assholishness of drivers here isn't an East Coast thing, but a Boston- specific thing. Even just going as far as Salem will reward you with the sight of drivers who are courteous to other drivers and pedestrians. New York is an anomalous pocket of people who all drive like taxi drivers, while Boston is an enclave of people who drive like crazy morons. -- K. And let's not forget the Boston-area tradition of drivers getting "intersection narcolepsy" on the weekend. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological job? Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 01:11:07 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > You don't have to go too far outside Boston to discover that the > > > assholishness of drivers here isn't an East Coast thing, but a > > > Boston-specific thing. > > > > You have to go farther than Newton, that's for sure. Also, the first > > time I ever drove on the Cape, 20-odd years ago, I was fascinated and > > horrified by the way drivers on Rt 28 (Dennis, Hyannis, etc.), when > > turning left across traffic, would wait until the last moment to make > > the left turn, just before an oncoming car got there, even when they > > had plenty of time before that. > > So it was *you* pointing the ray gun, eh? > > Lastnight, some moron waited for about 20 seconds while I ambled my > way up the road. I had both bright bike lights on, but then he let the > clutch go when I was about 1m from the side of 'im. I ranted and > raved, and then continued to ride home. > > Then this monring, a ute driver did almost exactly the same thing. Was this ute, razy driver the elebrity host of "Andid Amera", Allen Unt? Sorry. Too easy to work that one in at the drop of a onsonant. I apologize for that old joke being so rappy. -- K. I was just trying to be harming. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:03:18 -0400 [...on the book "Naked Lunch"...] Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > My version is newer and faster -- you can pick up everything in one > pass. Reading shouldn't be like using a crappy vacuum cleaner, where > you go over and over the same spot and still miss half the junk that's > down there. When people read Usenet, they expect it to suck harder > than that. You want Usenet to suck harder than "Naked Lunch"? Get real! The rest of us are up to wanting Usenet to suck harder than Ayn Rand going down on Bucky Fuller... as described by Ian Fleming. Now that's literary suction. By the way, the offer still stands: Mail me any Ayn Rand book and I'll make fun of it, somewhere, somehow, or die trying. And I promise to include a line about "Ayn Rand" almost being an anagram of "Dynagirl" so that Sid & Marty Krofft can be involved, because Ayn Rand and the Bugaloos are two great tastes that go great together here in this Bizarro world called life. -- K. I am determined to prove I can write as awkwardly as her. But first, BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit! Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:11:58 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, the offer still stands: Mail me any Ayn Rand book > > and I'll make fun of it, somewhere, somehow, or die trying. > > It's not the whole book but it's enough to make a good start on for > someone of your unique mix of talent: > > http://www.auburn.edu/~brickma/jgalt.html Dammit, I said mail me a book! On paper and stuff. Waah! You've robbed me of the joy of ripping the pages out one by one and flushing Ayn Rand down the toilet bit by bit! I had been intending to write a zany parody of the story of an Ayn Rand classic, but since that excerpt is just the beginning of a three-hour oration by some manifesto-bearing bore named John Galt, I really can't do very much with it. I'll just listen to the speech and treat it with the respect it deserves. -> For twelve years you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is -> John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man -> who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who -> has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, -> and if you wish to know why you are perishing--you who dread -> knowledge--I am the man who will now tell you. Dear Ayn Rand, I am the man who is holding you down and farting on your face. You can't stop me. You can't even stop a man from farting, much less write something with literary merit. -> You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You -> have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words -> had no meaning. You have cried that man's sins are destroying the -> world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness to -> practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists -> of sacrifice, you have demanded more sacrifices at every -> successive disaster. In the name of a return to morality, you -> have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of -> your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have -> sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to -> faith. You have sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed -> self-esteem to self-denial. You have sacrificed happiness to duty. Dear Ayn Rand, I deny having sacrificed anything to denial. Also I have not sacrificed anything to duty -- it was the other way around, I put the duty in a flaming paper bag and left it on the altar of Ayn Rand. -> You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and -> achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then do you -> shrink in horror from the sight of the world around you? That -> world is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the -> image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into -> reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it, -> you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I -- I am the -> man who has granted you your wish. Dear Ayn Rand, I am currently imagining you as Nurse Diesel from "High Anxiety" except without the complex moral philosophy. -> Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality -> was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have -> taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed -> the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I -> have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have -> deprived your world of man's mind. Dear Ayn Rand, I am depriving your world of having Ayn Rand's face not farted on. -> Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who -> do. The mind is impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose -> mind isn't. There are higher values than the mind, you say? I -> have withdrawn those for whom there aren't. Dear Ayn Rand, I have withdrawn in order to give you a "David Copperfield" in the old labonza. -> While you were dragging to your sacrificial altars the men of -> justice, of reason, of independence, of wealth, of self-esteem -- -> I beat you to it, I reached them first. I told them the nature of -> the game you were playing and the nature of the moral code of -> yours, which they had been too innocently generous to grasp. I -> showed them the way to live by another morality -- mine. It is -> mine that they chose to follow. Dear Ayn Rand, I told them the nature of the game you're playing. It's "Tetris", except that instead of little square blocks it has great big chunks of awkward writing, none of which fit together. -> All the men who have vanished, the men you hated, yet dreaded to -> lose, it is I who have taken them away from you. Do not attempt -> to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not cry that it is -> our duty to serve you. We do not recognize such duty. Do not cry -> that you own us. You don't. Do not beg us to return. We are on -> strike, we, the men of the mind. Dear Ayn Rand, Fart fart fart fart fart fart fart. How do you like _those_ apples? -> We are on strike against self-immolation. We are on strike -> against the creed of unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. We -> are on strike against the dogma that the pursuit of one's -> happiness is evil. We are on strike against the doctrine that -> life is guilt. Dear Ayn Rand, Captain Kirk told me to tell you that you belong in the circus freak show, right next to the dogma-faced boy. -> There is a difference between our strike and all those you've -> practiced for centuries: our strike consists, not of making -> demands, but of granting them. We are evil according to your -> morality. We have chosen not to harm you any longer. We are -> useless, according to your economics. We have chosen not to -> exploit you any longer. We are dangerous and to be shackled, -> according to your politics. We have chosen not to endanger you, -> nor to wear the shackles any longer. We are only an illusion, -> according to your philosophy. We have chosen not to blind you any -> longer and have left you free to face reality--the reality you -> wanted, the world as you see it now, a world without mind. Dear Ayn Rand, Shackles, schmackles. All the shackles in the world can't stop me from farting on you. And I just did. -> We have granted you everything you demanded of us, we who had -> always been the givers, but have only now understood it. We have -> no demands to present to you, no terms of bargain about, no -> compromise to reach. You have nothing to offer us. WE DO NOT -> NEED YOU. Dear Ayn Rand, And you do not need a colossal peppermint-stick ice cream enema with jagged corners in it, but we need to give it to you. But first, more farting. Ah. This is relaxing because you're so easy to fart on. -> Are you crying: No, this was not what you wanted? A mindless -> world of ruins was not your goal? You did not want us to leave you? -> You moral cannibals, I know that you've always known what it was -> that you wanted. But your game is up, because now we know it too. Dear Ayn Rand, What is a moral cannibal? Is that a moral which eats another moral? -> Through centuries of scourges and disasters, brought about by -> your code of morality, you have cried that your code had been -> broken, that the scourges were punishment for breaking it, that -> men were too weak and too selfish to spill all the blood it -> required. You damned man, you damned existence, you damned this -> earth, but never dared to question your code. Your victims took -> the blame and struggled on, with your curses as rewards for their -> martyrdom--while you went on crying that your code was noble, but -> human nature was not good enough to practice it. And no one rose -> to ask the question: Good?--by what standard? Dear Ayn Rand, I question your code. I syntax-check your code. I replace your code with a big rendered GIF that says "BITE ME" in an ugly font. In 3-D. -> You wanted to know John Galt's identity. I am the man who has -> asked that question. Dear Ayn Rand, ################### ######### ################# ################# ### #### ### ## ### ## ### ## ################ ### ### ########## ### #### ### ### ### ## ################### ######### ######### ################# ############## ############## ######################## ### #### #### ### ### ## ### #### #### ### ################ ### ###### ### ### ## ######### ## ######### ######################## ######### ######### ######################## ######### ## ### ## ######### ### ###### #### ######### ## ##### ## ######### ## ### ##### ### ### ######### ## ## ## ## ######### ####### ##### #### ## ######### ## ## ### ## ######### ##### ## # #### ## ######### ## ## ## ## ######### ####### ##### #### ## ######### ## ## ##### ######### ## ### ##### ### ### ######### ## ## ### ######### ### ###### #### ######### ######### ######################## ######### ######### ######################## (There was more, much more, to that speech of John Galt's, but let's face it, any three seconds of it are like the other three hours of it. So I will stop here. Don't ask me whether the rest of the novel contains any characters or story or anything, it might just all be speeches, like a more joyless version of "1984".) Dear Ayn Rand, I want my money back. The Internet sucks because of you. -- K. I bet Ayn Rand hated doing housework. If I were her husband, I'd get her a better vacuum cleaner to cheer her up. Also really great breast implants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit! Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:46:01 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dammit, I said mail me a book! On paper and stuff. Waah! You've > > robbed me of the joy of ripping the pages out one by one and flushing > > Ayn Rand down the toilet bit by bit! > > Receiving a book by mail probably qualifies you as a terrorist. > Especially where you live, and with using the Boston Metro and all. Hey, it was a _fictional_ character named "Dr. Kai Bow" who rode the "Boston Metro" in that "X-Files" episode (the title was "Medusa" if you want to check your DVDs.) I ride the _real_ subway, which is known as the (T), or as I call it now that it's decided to hassle its passengers in all sorts of new ways, the (F)ing (T). "(T)" is short for "MBTA", which is short for "Mass Bay Trans Auth", which is short for "Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority", which was formerly the "MTA", which had a song about it which really sucked but which everyone in this area has to hear all the time even though it gets the name of our Transportation Authority wrong. Also, some of the stupid little brass tokens still say "MTA" on them. I suspect with regard to books by mail, sooner or later the gummervint is going to realize it can just ask Amazon.com to "recommend" which customers are terrorists. Fortunately, because I've bought one of _everything_ from Amazon, I'm clearly a good consumer and not a terrorist. For example, I ordered the Sugar-Free Chocolate-Covered Pork Rinds. Those not only aren't halal, they're food only someone who is really well-adjusted could handle eating. -- K. I wish they were available with sugar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tight! Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:59:16 -0400 "Polyglot" (denisNOSPAMfree@msn.com) wrote: > > I charge money to teach Grammar / Tech Writing . And that's why you'll never be rich, Mr. "I put spaces before my periods" Glot. > When your cheque (check) arrives, I'll explain, otherwise if you are > having grammar / comprehension problems just ask a young child. Maybe you should ask Groucho Marx to help you tell his joke, kiddo. > I thought I had kept it simple enough for you. Apparently I didn't. "Kept" doesn't need the past perfect tense, unless you are implying that your words sometimes become more complicated after you say them. You're welcome, and fatuous. -- K. Oh, and with regard to you showing off that you know both the British and American spellings of three or four words? You're an arsehole, asshole. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly! Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 23:40:25 -0400 MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > I can only experience so much schadenfreude. > > Okay let's see how much pain you can experience... I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me. -- K. I think the upper limit of "how much pain you can experience" would be something involving a tiny AM radio implanted in your head playing Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" forever and ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly! Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:49:08 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me. > > By the way, speaking of sleep, Kibo, and sadism, I had this dream last > night (or actually, earlier this morning) in which Kibo went to a > party in the neighborhood where Boston's mayor lives and he had to > bring several thousand dollars in cash with him as part of a court > order stemming from an early-1990s incident in which he made the > previous mayor of Boston injure himself by headbutting a thick metal > open-ended wrench [...] I don't even remember who the previous mayor was before Menino and his ten photo-ops a day. I can't remember his name, but I do remember that his son once partied with my college roommates using his father's re-election campaign's credit card. Also one of them said his son had "a warped head" due to an incident with a baseball cap. > Then there was a flashback so we could see what Kibo did to the > previous mayor. You see, Kibo was hired to perform as a comedy > magician at some sort of charity event where the mayor was the guest > of honor. Kibo used the mayor as the volunteer for various tricks, > winning the mayor's confidence with tricked gadgets like one of those > "finger chopper" things where the blade is pulled down and cuts a > bunch of things but leaves the victim's fingers unscathed. So now > that the mayor was convinced that everything Kibo was doing was a > harmless trick, Kibo started telling the audience about how the mayor > was a martial-arts expert and not only could he break boards with his > head, he could even break thick metal wrenches with his head! Kibo > set up a couple of vises to hold the wrench horizontally from both > ends and told the mayor to impress everybody by breaking the wrench > with his head. The mayor, thinking it was a tricked wrench because > Kibo had deviously gained his confidence, compliantly bashed his head > against the wrench and injured himself horribly. This was what Kibo > had been planning all along. Devious. Fiendish. It's one of those "This is so obviously dangerous that it _must_ be a trick and not just me smashing my head against a giant crescent wrench for no reason" tricks that is a different sort of trick altogether. That was before I got a concussion of my own and vowed to never do this sort of thing to the mayor again, unless it's Mayor McCheese, in which case I'm going to bean him with my spot-welder. > Thus, Kibo was required by court order to bring a bunch of money in > cash paper bills whenever he went to a neighborhood where the current > or former mayor was. The dream flashed back forward to the present > and we saw that Kibo had brought a large empty guitar case with him > and he tossed his bound stacks of $100 bills into the open guitar case > on the floor so the money would be readily visible if any officers of > the court came by to make sure Kibo was complying with the court > order. Don't stop there! What happened next? I demand you take a nap right _now_ and finish this dream! And where the hell did I get this money? Tell me so I can go get more! Do it or I'll make you taste a croissant of steel! -- K. I have been meaning to practice breaking boards with my hands. No, really. It's not like it's hard or anything, it's just physics, like pinball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: beetle Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:01:02 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > there is a beetle on my desk > > I have the power to crush him any time I want. > > Right now he's getting to live because I'm not deciding to do that. I order you to crush him. -- K. I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: David Hasselhoff, RIP. Or DUI. I forget which acronym is funnier. Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:25:50 -0400 [from msnbc.msn.com -- note: not the Knight-Ridder News Service] -> -> Hasselhoff arrested on suspicion of DUI -> -> Ex-'Baywatch' star underwent alcoholism treatment in '02 -> -> Updated: 10:23 a.m. ET June 07, 2004 -> -> LOS ANGELES - David Hasselhoff was arrested over the weekend on -> suspicion on driving while intoxicated, police said Monday. Anyone who's ever watched TV knows that David Hasselhoff _never_ drives. His shiny black life partner drives him around while he just sits back and sculpts his hair into exciting new Jell-O mold shapes. -> The former "Baywatch" star was arrested late Saturday night on -> Ventura Boulevard in the Encino section of the San Fernando Valley, -> said Officer Sara Faden, a police spokeswoman. He was released -> the next morning. ...when his car smashed through the wall of the jail cell and killed eighty-seven people in order to spring him so he could go hunt down the real drunk driver -- his evil twin brother he never knew he had. David Hasselhoff shall once again prove that all life's problems can be solved by pushing the "Turbo Boost" button twice an episode. FWOOOOOOOM! FWOOOOOOOOOOOOM! -> No further details were immediately available. -> -> In 2002, Hasselhoff checked himself into the Betty Ford Center -> for treatment of alcoholism. -> -> The 51-year-old actor is best known for portraying lifeguard -> Mitch Buchannon in the long-running "Baywatch" TV series. He also -> starred in the 1980s television show "Knight Rider." Let's not forget him as the guy who usurps Marjoe Gortner's role halfway through "StarCrash". -- K. And what about "David Hasselhoff Presents The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"? I remember that special. Or at least I remember that it had a title. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lousy mood today Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:51:47 -0400 I'm in a lousy mood. I want to pull the wings off people. Someone post something to cheer me up. Do something funny. Dig up Margaret Dumont so you can hit her with a pie or something. Rhubarb makes a good throwin' pie, especially in the hands of a chimp on a tricycle. Or just figure out a way that a chimp can give a robot a wedgie. -- K. How about a robot made out of pies hurling himself at Margaret Dumont? The robot could be built by the chimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lousy mood today Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 22:10:27 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Someone post something to cheer me up. > > Maybe all the whining and lamenting and gnashing of the teeth about > how some senile old coot finally kicked off is getting you down. I know > it's getting me down. We found out today that Friday is Happy Reagan Is > Dead Day or something, and so all the banks will be closed. But it's > also payday, and our checks HAVE to be automatically deposited. How can > they be deposited if the banks are closed? > So we may not get paid Friday. It's just typical, to have a president > who fucked us over for 8 years, die and fuck us over one last time. > Thanks, Ronnie. Don't blame me. At the time he bit the big one, I was doing a completely non-Reagan-related activity -- dyeing my hair an unnatural shade of red. This just in, Chevy Chase says I have cancer of the hair. Also, Francisco Franco is still dead. > > Do something funny. > > No. YOU do something funny. Who do I look like, George Coe? > Today is Mike Farrell is Dreamy Day. Better? "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been the same since all 87 of the funny cast members died and were tragically survived by 3729 unfunny ones. -- K. I wish they'd bring back "Fridays" now that Andy Kaufman is undead. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lousy mood today Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:39:21 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Who do I look like, George Coe? > > Based on your report on recent activities, I would guess you look like > Bozo the Clown. Or is it Richie Cunningham? Just which unnatural > shade of red did you dye your hair? Ayyyyy, sit on it. At the moment it's schoolbus yellow -- fluorescent yellow with a tint of orange -- with a fluorescent red beard (not orange, I mean red, like the coils in a toaster.) I don't think I can get away with bleaching it again until after the next time I shave my head -- after the last bleach cycle, the hair strands have started breaking in the middle where they've been exposed to five or six bleachings -- so when the yellow-orange color fades, I may go for a maroon or other re-dyeing that won't require any bleaching. I had planned to do some blues next, but that would require at least two full bleachings first, so I'll just go from yellow to maroon, then eventually shave my head and let it grow out a bit before I try blue. Sadly, to restock my supply of weird colors of Manic Panic dye, I had to get a frequent-buyer card at Sally Beauty Supply. I am now a card-carrying Beauty Supply user. Bleah. Well, at least they didn't give me a special card that says "Ugly Supply". > > "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been the same since all 87 of the funny > > cast members died and were tragically survived by 3729 unfunny ones. > > You skinny guys always think it's so damn funny to make fat jokes now, > don't you? John Belushi is spinning in his grave. Spinning samurai > swords around your head, that is. I'm surprised there's room for him to roll over in his grave. I mean, his corpse is faaaaaaat. But remember he, and Chris Farley aren't the only dead "Saturday Night Live" cast members. Terry Sweeney was really skinny (because he was gay) as was Danitra Vance (because she had cancer.) Phil Hartman had a good physique. Garret Morris is super-skinny (because he's had drugs), and sort of counts because he was once falsely reported as having been killed. And Larraine Newman can't be long for this world because she had anorexia -- performing on TV while that much underweight must certainly shorten your lifespan, even if it's a good show. And then there's George Coe, who was an official member of the "Not Ready For Prime Time Players" for three episodes, but they booted him off the show because he was too old, so he had to take a job running Network 23 instead (on a show where the villain was played by fellow "Saturday Night Live" reject Charlie Rocket.) IMDB doesn't say Mr. Coe is dead, but also, they don't say he was ever born (he's one of the few actors who has no age listed) so we'll also put him in the "maybe" category although I don't know whether the old fellow would count as skinny or faaaaaaaaat these days. (In my opinion, firing George Coe was one of Lorne Michaels's biggest mistakes.) Oh, and should John Belushi want to tap-dance his way out of that grave to menace me with his Toshiro Mifune sword, he ought to be warned that although I don't have any samurai swords, I have some _big_ swords. Buck Henry wouldn't have survived had _I_ been the one to hit him in the face with a sword on live TV. So if Mr. Belushi came at me with his wimpy little sword, I'd kill him faster than a coked-up Robin Williams with a hypo full of speed. -- K. Also, I'd change the title of the show to "Saturday Night KILL KILL KILL!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Boston subway fascism increases Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 07:01:18 -0400 Hey, look! Apparently just requiring photo IDs to ride the Boston subway wasn't enough to stop all the terrorism in the world! Now they want to see not just your ID, but also everything else you're carrying! [from the Boston Globe, via www.boston.com] -> -> T to check packages, bags at random -> -> By Raphael Lewis, Globe Staff | June 8, 2004 -> -> Next month, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority will -> become the first transit agency in the nation to institute a -> permanent policy of randomly inspecting passenger bags and -> packages on subway and commuter trains, MBTA police officials -> disclosed yesterday. Permanent, eh? As in it's been determined in advance that this new stupidity is going to last forever, no matter how obnoxious and pointless the policy is, eh? I predict this will be one of the shortest "permanent"s on record, somewhere between New Coke and Spock being dead. -> The stop-and-search procedure, largely prompted by the March 11 -> train bombings that killed 191 people in Spain, will involve -> explosive-sniffing dogs and all 247 uniformed MBTA police -> officers, and is set to be in place for July's Democratic National -> Convention, MBTA T Police Chief Joseph Cartercq told the Globe. Oh no! MBTA Police Chief Carter has been genetically fused with Roman Coppola's movie "CQ"! And now he's fighting black-trenchcoated terrorists during a snowstorm on the Moon! -> "I have no trepidation about being first," Carter said. "I don't -> want to be the first to do an interview about having a serious -> incident that may have some terrorist indications to it. I want -> to be in a position to prevent and detect and apprehend someone -> prior to them causing damage. We want to do this to encourage -> people to feel safe on the MBTA, to utilize public transportation." "And if the riders still don't feel safe, we'll begin beating them with billy clubs until they tell us they feel really, really safe and love planning to go to the subway station two hours early in order to go through a security check and strip-search before the three-block ride." -> The policy comes was made public only weeks after the MBTA -> announced a controversial decision to begin requesting -> identification from T passengers police perceive as acting -> "suspiciously." I haven't yet actually seen the police accosting any of the suspicious characters I see every day on the subway, even the ones who constantly yell death threats at their invisible friends. I've been watching to see if the police go after these people, because I want to find out what sort of photo IDs the crazy homeless people are expected to show, and whether their invisible friends are expected to also have photo ID. -> [...] -> -> But the MBTA policy would be far more ambitious -- and in the -> eyes of civil libertarians, far more invasive -- as police -> conduct random inspections of bags and briefcases that are not -> tied to suspicious behavior. Oh, that's why I haven't been bothered yet. They're only inspecting the briefcases of people who _aren't_ suspicious. -> The policy is being developed in coordination with the TSA and -> with several other transit agencies in the United States and abroad, -> Carter said. It is not yet fully developed, he added. I'd say you need to pick up that Polaroid and shake it for another several hours, bub. -> MBTA Deputy Police Chief John Martino, who is overseeing the -> development and implementation of the policy, said police, some -> accompanied by explosive-sniffing dogs, will randomly pick out -> riders for inspection throughout the transit system daily. Randomly, eh? What if there are 21 people on the train and the police are only equipped with 20-sided dice? In that case, will "random" mean the person with the darkest skin, or the person with the brightest hair dye? -> If the dogs are present -- there are only four used by the force -> currently -- riders would not have to open their bags, but make -> them available for the dogs to sniff, Martino said. And what if I pointed out the signs plainly stating that no dogs are allowed on the subway except seeing-eye dogs? Will the cops be "randomly" selecting passengers by reaching out and groping in random directions because only blind cops will be employed? -> If no dogs are present, "a brief opening and a quick look in will -> usually be enough to judge if there's any cause for alarm," -> Martino said. "Wherever possible, we would use an explosive-detection -> canine that would just sniff -- no requirement to open them at all -> in that case." That's right, if no dogs are present, canines will be used instead. Mostly wolves and hyaenas. -> Martino said, however, that the number of inspections would -> increase dramatically during the convention at the end of July, -> just as thousands of commuters who normally drive to work will -> cram onto subways and commuter rail trains because of extensive -> road and highway closures. He also said riders can expect the -> number of inspections to increase whenever the US Homeland -> Security Department changes the color-coded threat advisory to -> orange or red, the highest levels. Mental note: Stick to the Green Line and Blue Line, never ride the Orange Line or Red Line. -> Martino would not specify how many bag inspections will be -> conducted, either during the convention or at times when the -> threat level is not elevated. -> -> Carol Rose, executive director of the American Civil Liberties -> Union of Massachusetts, said she understands the need to increase -> vigilance on the region's rail and bus systems, but contended -> that the system being devised by the MBTA is deeply flawed and -> may violate the US Constitution's ban on unreasonable search and -> seizure. "May"? "MAY"? Do I need to invent a time machine just so I can go back and make all those guys in powdered wigs write "THAT MEANS NO RANDOM SEARCHES, PEABRAINS!" after the Fourth Amendment? Do we need to have the Fourth Amendment -- which is a single _sentence_ -- reduced to "Thou shalt obtain a warrant before going through my stuff!"? Would that be clear enough, or do I need to have it translated into Ikea pictograms? -> "The Fourth Amendment doesn't stop at your wrist when you carry a -> briefcase; it includes your bag," Rose said. "It either has to be -> truly random, or it has to have a root in a reasonable basis of -> suspicion." -> -> "What does random mean? How do you ensure that is random?" Rose -> continued. "That means no discretion at all." Discretion is a must -- I'm sure the transit cops could be discreet and do the searches and beatings behind closed doors instead of out in the open. I wouldn't mind some cops taking me into the back room for a discreet strip-search and pat-down, provided it ended with a full release. -> Rose dismissed comparisons of the T's policy to baggage checks at -> the nation's airports and called the move excessive. -> -> "It's not imaginable to stop everybody getting on trains for -> their morning commute, and let's face it, a train doesn't have -> the same mass killing potential that a hijacked airplane does. -> You can't drive a train into a skyscraper." No, but you can invite a power-mad transit police chief to meet you at a local pub, then follow him as he walks towards it, and then you'll see a jerk turn into a bar. -> T riders told by a reporter about the bag inspection policy -> yesterday reacted with a mixture of terrorism-weary resignation, -> annoyance, and in some cases, skepticism that police officers -> were capable of carrying out a truly random search system. I doubt that transit police are capable of carrying out a trash bag full of crumpled-up Egg McMuffin wrappers, let alone anything more substantial. -> [...] -> -> Carter, who confirmed that the agency was developing the plans, -> said T officials have not announced the policy because he was too busy doing newspaper interviews about how he's not announcing the policy he's telling the press about. Sheesh, these guys don't even know how to cover up stuff, much less carry it out. -> and other police officials are still working out the details on how -> to balance security and privacy concerns. "Let's compromise! We'll follow the Constitution half the time! Then _everyone_ will be happy!" -> "Everything we do here is to protect and uphold and defend the -> constitutional rights of everyone, particuarly our patrons on the -> system," Carter said. "That is one of the reasons why the policy -> is not something that is just sitting there, ready for us to -> publish tomorrow morning. . . . How do we do this to make sure -> constitutional rights are in place? We don't want to abridge -> those rights, but in this era, we need the highest degree of -> security." -> -> Carter said he is determined to have the baggage inspection -> procedure in place for the Democratic convention, which has been -> deemed a special "national security" event by the US Secret Service. That's why it's being held at the local hockey rink. Those big panes of glass will protect the delegates in case someone slaps a puck at them. -> "We're on a very tight clock here; we're working feverishly to -> come to a finalized policy," Carter said. "We will meet with -> various groups, particularly the leading civil rights groups -> about this, but we will not be deterred in ensuring we have the -> highest level of security for the convention." -> -> Carter and his deputies said the cost of the new program would be -> minimal because the force, including canine units, is already -> patrolling stations. And yet for some reason security is still so shitty that they now also have to start looking inside purses. -> Last month, T police announced that the entire force has been -> receiving counterterrorism training that includes spotting -> suspicious behavior. The ACLU and riders groups, fearful that the -> policy could lead to random ID checks, have contended that the -> stops represent an unwarranted intrusion. But T officials insist -> that the "behavior pattern recognition" training that all -> officers are receiving is geared toward security, and not to -> pestering riders. "Pestering" is when someone at the mall asks you to sign a clipboard about which detergent looks whiter to you. That's not quite the same as when someone with a gun and a dog tells you you can't ride the subway because you look funny and don't want anyone rifling through your grocery bags. -> Martino said the T Police Department is seeking to double the -> size of the dog unit to spread the baggage inspections across the -> vast transit system. Poor Spot! He tried to double the size of his dog unit, but for some reason the spammers never E-mailed him the "V1AG0RA" he ordered. -> For now, however, Deputy T Police Chief Thomas McCarthy, who -> oversees intelligence operations, expressed confidence that the -> heightened presence of police officers will send a message that -> the MBTA is not a good place for terrorists to attack. Well, _duh_. It's not even a good place to _ride_ these days. -- K. Why can't the transit cops find something more useful to do, like forming cordons around gay marriage ceremonies to keep straights from having to see men kissing? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 20:00:30 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > At least the security initiatives on the (T) consist of actual effort. > > Here on the PATH, the new system consists of holding the train at the > station for an extra 20 seconds periodically, while two transit cops > walk down the length of the train looking for anyone who's busy > terroristing, while the other five transit cops talk to each other > about other stuff. > > DO YOU FEEL SAFER YET? > > DO YOU FEEL LATER YET? HOW MUCH? ABOUT 20 SECONDS' WORTH? Does anyone else get the feeling that if the terrorists thought of buying a few used police jackets at the surplus store, they could not only move unmolested throughout the trains, but also slightly delay a bunch of commuters before blowing up whatever they want to blow up? -- K. Alternatively, they could just disguise themselves as bomb-sniffing dogs. Fred MacMurray used to capture lots of crooks that way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:49:28 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone else get the feeling that if the terrorists thought of > > buying a few used police jackets at the surplus store, they could > > not only move unmolested throughout the trains, but also slightly delay > > a bunch of commuters before blowing up whatever they want to blow up? > > Great. Now they are going to arrest you for giving terrorists ideas. Hey, our benevolent Government understands that any assistance I may have ever given terrorists has been purely accidental, such as the dozens or so times I pressed the "20" button in the elevator as a matter of common courtesy to the Al-Qaeda germ warfare psycopath in my building because I didn't know who she was and therefore didn't get to live out my dream of being given the Congressional Medal Of Freedom for justifiably disembowling someone in an elevator. But in any case, just to prove that terrorists don't listen to me: DEAR TERRORISTS, PLEASE KILL LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY. There. If you're not dead tomorrow, it'll prove I'm not giving the terrorists any ideas. -- K. Now we wait. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 16:06:26 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > DEAR TERRORISTS, PLEASE KILL LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY. > > You are a meaniebuttock I am? Yay, I win! (If I don't win, the terrorists will win!) My butt just won't quit... being mean to Lots42. Oh, and by the way, now that I've quoted myself saying "PLEASE KILL LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY", this means that the terrorists have to kill you a second time. And a third, if you count the two citations in this one article as separate fatwahs. Please remind me, what are the rules for who I can have killed when? -- K. My butt kills. -------------------------------------