From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January)
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 12:56:53 -0400
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > What if, instead of adding a
> > decimal point, I added a unary minus
> > to make all bozos go backwards?
>
> Get some sticky letters and use the lowercase i's, if it's a home for
> retired mathematicians, or j's if it's for electrical engineers.
Okay, now you're just being silly. Everyone knows there's no such thing
as imaginary numbers. Do you know why "i" doesn't exist? Because seven
eight eye. Wait, I didn't tell that one right. HELP ME, RONALD McDONALD!
Ahem. Back on track for a minute...
Because the Kaiju Big Battel people seem to get away with vandalizing
a lot of street signs around here with their little Cube stickers
(and occasionally a giant Cube sticker), possibly because they are
universally beloved, I, the area's other universally beloved pop-culture
phenomenon involving loudness and wrestling, keep thinking that I should
make up a batch of some sort of secret Kibology Pride stickers and put
them all over town too. But to make the game more interesting I'd
limit myself to putting them only on signs that already had a Kaiju
sticker. And I'd print my stickers in a wide array of sizes so that
I could always use a Kibology Pride sticker precisely 10% bigger than
whatever it was next to.
I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet
stepping someone or something, but I'm not sure what.
-- K.
Curious George would be easy
enough to draw.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: K pride (was: old people driving slowly)
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:35:19 -0400
Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I was thinking of a "K" made out of bacon, with one of its feet
> > stepping someone or something, but I'm not sure what.
>
> A bee in a balloon.
Hey, yeah. I like that pride flag. It's sufficiently creepy.
But should the bee the "K" crushes be a bee bee, or a "B" bee? Or a BB?
We could do like Romper Room and instead of having a "Do Bee" and a
"Don't Bee" we could have a "Look Bee" and an "Eat Bee". One of
the bees would be for looking at, and the other one would be for eating.
Eating other groups' pride flags.
> > Curious George would be easy
> > enough to draw.
>
> Curious George in a balloon? No, wait---the Man in the Yellow Hat in a
> balloon. Filled with bees.
Let's pretend the monkey's fetishistic slavemaster doesn't exist.
Besides, between him and the bees there would be too much yellow,
we wouldn't want the Kibology pride flag to be accused of being
yellow just because it was.
Anyway, I think I'm going to start designing a Kibology pride flag
with a "K", a bee, and a balloon. Thanks, Xaonon.
(Hey, Xaonon, channel 11 here is showing "The Brain Of Morbius" this month,
so that means in in just a few more dozen weeks they'll be up to the episode
with the guy who spells his name just like yours, except correctly.)
-- K.
And could someone please explain
"The Masque Of Mandragora" to me
without using the word "Fidelio"?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January)
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:08:34 -0400
Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > The only safe speed is zero. You see, motion leads to collisions.
>
> But Einstein said I *was* doing zero. It was the lamppost doing 100.
> Help me stop everything in the universe from moving! It might put
> someone's eye out.
Dear anemone,
I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig
and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke
someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible
because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their
skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_.
And thus the joy of pedantry was discovered.
-- K.
And now he's blind.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January)
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 01:08:03 -0400
TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I remember once in kindergarten when I was running around with a twig
> > and one of the other kids commanded me to stop because I could "poke
> > someone's eye out." I insisted that such was not physically possible
> > because unless the other person had a hole drilled through their
> > skull from behind you could only poke their eye _in_.
>
> Did you ever run around with your fist out, and then never got into
> trouble, because you told the teacher "they ran into my fist!"?
Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid.
As a little kid, the move I relied on for self-defense was to kick people
in the shin in the few instances where I couldn't run away. A couple
times I shoved someone down.
As an adult, I have, in a few cases, had to defend myself (the sort of
grab-yank-shove combo to knock someone over that you do when you've only
learned martial arts by accident) but I never get violent (or had to
imply I was ready to get violent) with people unless they're seriously
provoking me.
The last three instances I can think of involved drunken, drugged-up,
or crazy bums.
One guy made the mistake of grabbing my shoulder because he didn't like
that I had walked past him twice in one day without giving him the cigarette
money he was demanding. I simply glowered at him and he got the message
that he should never, ever touch me again. If he hadn't immediately
let go, I would've grabbed his wrist and improvised from there.
The second guy was the deranged "Cochise? Cochise? Cochise?" guy in
the subway, I described him a few years ago. He was one of these people
who simply would not listen when told in no uncertain terms to go away,
so I simply grabbed his neck with my right hand and shoved him back
a few feet to get his attention without hurting him much. He was so
out of it that he started laughing, but he got the message and did it
from a distance, eventually deciding to get into someone else's face
with his one-note act until they did beat him up.
The third guy I mentioned just a few weeks ago, a drunk or stoner who
also got in my face and just would not listen to my insistence that
I wanted him to leave me alone. He did not wish to comprehend the
message "LEAVE ME ALONE. NOW." in a very firm voice, but his friend
who was trying to take him home did, and dragged him away from me
while I was mentally preparing a list of things to tell him I would
do to him if he didn't buzz off.
Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big
wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip,
and I'm unafraid in these situations. Since the only people who go
around picking fights with random people like me on the street are
people suffering from some sort of defect or impairment, I know that
in all three of the above incidents, had the creeps persisted in
harassing me or if they had taken a swing at me, seconds later they
would've been on the ground yelling for help. My feeling is that
the only confrontations I'm ever likely to get into (which I might feel
the need to escalate) would boil down to a matter of all-set-to-hurt-
someone vs. too-fucking-drunk-to-know-you're-about-to-eat-curb.
So to get back to your question, sorry, but I don't have the arm
strength to grab an arm and make them punch their own face so that
I can tell the police, "They kept hitting themselves, even though
I was saying 'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!'"
-- K.
I should learn to throw a punch,
given that I now have those leather
gloves with the armored knuckles.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January)
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:12:28 -0400
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Believe it or not, I have never punched someone. Ever. Even as a kid.
>
> I'm not sure I have ever *successfully* punched someone. Once a "friend"
> of mine, the one who looked exactly like Scot Farkus ten years before
> Scot Farkus was cast, promised to teach me to fight and instead just beat
> me up--publicly. Once I tried to throw my books at someone who had
> tripped me on the bus for the umpteenth time, and missed, got beat up,
> and got to spend several hours over the next few months in the office
> with this guy and the guidance counselor who thought there was something
> I could do to resolve my problems with him.
You should have called the school board and reported that the nutty
guidance counselor had overdosed on "Davey & Goliath" cartoons.
At least half of them are about how bullies are mean because they
have no friends so if you try to play with them and act all submissive
to them they'll stop picking on you. I think Art Clokey has a brain
made from wadded-up clay.
> Kicking never worked for me, either. Like Joe, I'm stuck with all
> the extra-lame big-guy weapons:
>
> * Pushing. Mass and height are both advantages in this. I once
> accidentally pushed a girl my own size backwards over a bench upon
> either being tickled or having my hat stolen, I forget which.
This was easier in the days when gals wore those spring-loaded
hoopskirt-and-petticoat layers. Whenever they sat down, the gentlest
touch could make them go "SPROING!" and do a triple backflip.
Except that in those days, the onomatopoiea "SPROING!" hadn't yet
been invented, it was probably some old-timey word like "ZOWIE!"
> * Obstinately standing in the way. This one is generally fairly
> effective until someone actually hits me. Obstinately slumping
> against the wall with a minor concussion is somewhat less effective.
>
> * Accidentally stepping on feet. This one is useful really only when
> you're beset by contradance pedants and/or showoffs who think during
> the dance is the time to instruct you on how you're dancing all wrong.
> If it could be done on purpose, it might have been useful on the bus.
Well, still, your fighting techniques are less risible than the fights on
"Walker, Texas Ranger". I wish Conan O'Brien would spend the entire show
pulling that lever over and over. Walker and Conan are the funniest
comedy team since Bob & David or Tim, Graeme, and Bill.
-- K.
I gotta remember that bit
about stuffing a handful of
dirt in my mouth to figure
out whether a plane crashed.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Insert joke about old people driving slower than molasses in January)
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 15:03:31 -0400
Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Anyway, I have almost no traditional fighting experience, and no big
> > wrestler-style muscles. But I'm fast, smart, I have an iron grip,
> > and I'm unafraid in these situations.
>
> There aren't a lot of advantages to being an overweight guy but one
> thing it does have going for it is that some of those types of people
> won't mess with you because they seem to think that "big guy" = "tough
> street-fightin' bruiser" for some reason, even if the big guy is a big
> teddy bear like me.
GROW SOME HAIR, BEAR! You need facial fur if you want to be the full
stereotype. Also eventually you'll have to dress up as Santa to
show the grandkids there's a reason God made you in his in a funhouse
mirror. Start your beard now in case you have grandkids tomorrow.
> It's weird how people simultaneously hold the stereotypes that a
> big guy is both (1) out-of-shape and unable to move, and (2) powerful
> and able to easily win a fight.
And yet you never hear about Santa Claus beating up the bad people.
All he does is give them free fossil fuel.
The real reason skinny people don't try to beat up fat people?
It's very tiring to have to repeatedly push a fist through all those
virtual pillows you people wear. It's like you have a marshmallow force
field. Its strength-sapping power is comparable to having to fight
while on a treadmill set to an eighty-degree incline. Fat people
are exhausting to clobber.
-- K.
Who would win in a fight
between Santa Claus and
Teddy Ruxpin, with pool cues?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing)
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:04:27 -0400
Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
>
> Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
> >
> > Oh, now you're going to make me cry. Just to be clear, I wasn't
> > defending the principal so much as I was suggesting to Lots42 that he
> > was over-reacting by suggesting that the principal be fired. Told to
> > knock it the hell off, sure, but fired?
>
> If he was sending joke emails to everyone in the school, then tell
> him to knock it off. If he was sending electricity into people's bodies,
> that should result in a firing.
Unless he's also the science teacher, in which case it's all right.
Or maybe if he's also the sex ed teacher, if this is in one of those
progressive places like Cambridge. (Not Boston! Boston's very conservative
compared to Cambridge. In Boston, gay men can barely even get married!)
-- K.
I'd say giving someone
a wedgie should be grounds
for dismissal, as should
anything else inducing
physical pain and possible
emotional trauma, such as
electric shocks and/or the
cafeteria's Beanee Weenee.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing)
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:42:26 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
> >
> > As we all know, everyone into S&M secretly worships evil and cuts
> > people off in the passing lane.
>
> We all know that Terri has deemed insurance BORING BORING BORING.
> Which usually it is, but those who have read more than 2 of my posts
> know that I can always find something interesting going on at my
> insurance company.
These "Penthouse Forum" letters are so predictable!
> The other day, a secretary in an agent's office calls up all
> flustered. We verify policies which have had a Marshall & Swift run
> on them (it estimates the replacement cost of a home), and we require
> agents to provide photos of all 4 sides of any new homes we are
> insuring.
> So this secretary is in a fit. She got an obscene message from an
> underwriter, she said. About BDSM.
> I was more shocked that a secretary knew what BDSM was than at the
> idea that an underwriter would send hawt I FLURT U messages, but I
> checked the message myself, and found nothing. The agent, in the
> background, tells the secretary to tell me, "Read it again!"
> Turns out the agent, who is new, saw a message which read "Please
> submit M&S. Also we need photos of all 4 sides of it." She misread it
> because she is a prevert, got her secretary all in a lather, and phoned
> me, apparently just to make my day.
> I assured the secretary that photos of just two sides of the S&M were
> acceptable. I was told I am NOT FUNNY.
Too bad she didn't buy it -- it would have definitely been funny to see
her booking a helicopter ride and then tunneling into the ground to get
photos of the "top" and "bottom".
I would have said it was acceptable to substitute an hour-long videotape
for the photos, but that's just me.
-- K.
Even if it was just
a videotape of a house
sitting there motionless
for an hour, Andy Warhol
would have liked it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: highly Kibological sex education via the Three Stooges
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 13:32:04 -0400
[from www.suntimes.com]
->
-> High school students take push for better sex ed to school board
->
-> June 1, 2004
->
-> BY BRIAN LEWIS AND MAUDLYNE IHEJIRIKA
-> Staff Reporters
->
-> Pamela Norris says her high school sex-education class consisted
-> of watching Three Stooges movies and coloring.
Mine involved watching that "Happy Days" educational film where
Tom Bosley told me not to smoke pot. Also the famous "engorged
with blood" film.
-> "It wasn't really based on sex," complained the student at Curie
-> High School on the Southwest Side.
What about the episodes where the three of them sleep together in
a giant bed? Those had to be based on _something_, and if they're
not based on sexual depravity, then I don't know why they made
so many of those episodes.
Is it possible there was just a misprint in the curriculum and
"stages of arousal" came out as "stooges of arousal"?
I have to go take a shower now.
-> Norris is one of the Curie students enrolled in the Forefront
-> Program, a leadership and political-action training course where
-> teens each year select an issue to research. This year's issue:
-> teen pregnancy.
->
-> What the students learned brought a dozen Curie teens to last
-> week's monthly meeting of the Chicago Board of Education to
-> demand the public schools ditch their current sex ed curriculum
-> for one that would stimulate today's sexually aware teens.
Must... resist... urge... to bring on... the Dancing Bears of "WINK!!!!!!!!"
-> "The sex ed programs don't teach," said 15-year-old sophomore
-> Chris Jedrol. "We never even got to the part of the health book
-> with the sex ed chapters. Students want to be more involved with
-> creating the curriculum."
I want to know what sort of health book has all the Three Stooges
material in the front. Usually they put that filler in the back
so that all the M&M and Prell ads can go in the front.
-> State law requires that all public schools touch on AIDS, HIV and
-> sexually transmitted diseases in the classroom. Under Title V of
-> the 1996 Welfare Reform Act, the law was changed to stress
-> abstinence and proper contraceptive use.
"Remember, kids, never have sex, and always wear a condom 24 hours
a day while never having sex."
Is it any wonder the kids just ignore the contradictory propaganda?
-> [...]
->
-> Armed with survey results and their research, which found teen
-> pregnancy on the rise in minority and low-income communities, the
-> teens began leaning on Curie Principal Jerryelyn Jones for a more
-> informative sex education curriculum, and asked her permission to
-> make contraceptives available to Curie students attending prom.
->
-> But Jones rejected their request to set up a table in the
-> lunchroom where students could get condoms.
Especially because the lunchroom needed to save all the condoms for
the "vegetable lasagna".
-> While she agrees there are inconsistencies in the Chicago Public
-> Schools' sex ed curriculum and wants to work with the students to
-> create a more uniform sex ed course, Jones said she wasn't
-> willing to go as far as offering condoms.
->
-> "It wasn't me that was against it. I have to respect the rights
-> of all students, including those whose religious beliefs teach
-> abstinence," Jones said.
Psst: Hey, lady, know those Coke(R) brand vending machines you had
installed to make money off the kids? Have you considered _selling_
condoms? That could raise enough money to buy you a pair of pliers
so you could remove the rod up your ass.
Also, my religious beliefs teach me that all bozo principals should
be forced to watch me have sex with the top 100 Victoria's Secret
lingerie models and/or Jai from "Queer Eye", whichever is easier to
obtain. WHY ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST MY RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER
I WANT TO HUMILIATE YOU FOR BEING A JERK?
-> So the students took their complaints to the school board.
->
-> After hearing them out, Board President Michael Scott was
-> impressed, and Schools CEO Arne Duncan promised to work with the
-> students.
->
-> "Forty percent of students are already sexually active by the
-> time they get to high school. But when we try to get uniform
-> sex ed implemented, many parents come to us and say they want
-> it out," Scott told the students.
Wasn't "Uniform Sex Ed" one of the Village People?
-> "We want to get teens in tune with these issues," Duncan said.
-> "So push your parents."
Yeah! Go home and convince your parents they shouldn't even try
to teach you about the birds and bees! Tell them to let the school
do it! Because there is no better way to appreciate the beauty and
joyousness of sex than to have a gym teacher show you a filmstrip
made in 1972!
-- K.
You may now advance to
the next frame. BEEP!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: To my drugs
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:03:56 -0400
Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Lots42 The Library Avenger (Lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
> >
> > Subject: To my drugs
> >
> > Thank you for killing the migraine so well
>
> Dear Lots42;
>
> Your brain wouldn't hate you so much if you didn't feed it such a steady
> diet of comic books all the time. It needs some *real* food now and
> then. Poke your mind up with a little e.e.cummings. Try some Mark
> Twain or some Sylvia Plath (preferably not one after the other, though).
Maybe he should start with Daniel Pinkwater and Douglas Adams and
Kurt Vonnegut and later work his way up to the hard stuff so his
comic-book-addled brain doesn't go all Flaming Carrot on him when
he stumbles across the "Halt And Catch Fire" tripwire between
his frontal lobes.
> Then, if you still have migraines, get your revenge by reading "Atlas
> Shrugged". *That'll* put the fear into your brain, right certain.
If someone were to mail me a free copy of "Atlas Shrugged" and/or
"The Fountainhead" and/or "Interview With A Vampire" I promise I
would write a wacky parody of any of those Ayn Rand books, perhaps
after reading them, perhaps before. And then you could read my
wacky story instead of having to slog through icky Ayn Rand.
I might even do this for books that aren't by Ayn Rand, too.
Hey, if I can handle her, I can conquer anything.
Send me bad books now! You know the address:
James "Kibo" Parry
Software Tool & Die
1330 Beacon St., Suite 215
Brookline MA 02446
-- K.
Include $5 if you
would like to be
in the story.
State your name,
age, hobbies, and
favorite sports hero.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:45 -0400
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants
> appeared to have exploded":
> ->
> -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock
> ->
> -> The Associated Press
> -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM
> ->
> -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower
> -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal,
> -> utility officials said.
> ->
> -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit.
> ->
> -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he
> -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower
> -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his
> -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said.
Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because
he might have just come from Denny's.
> -> Grisham scaled the fence around the tower about 6:30 a.m. and then
> -> started to climb the tower itself, rising 12 to 15 feet before he
> -> "received a dose of ... electricity and was knocked to the ground,"
> -> said police, who were seeking a toxicology report.
It might have been that secret new poison electricity the CIA has been
developing to be blasted into our faces via cable TV!
> -> "Contact with that level of voltage is almost always fatal,"
> -> Cinergy/PSI spokeswoman Angeline Protegere said. She noted that
> -> household voltage is mostly 120 volts.
Um... does someone want to explain to the power-company spokeswoman
about the difference between volts and volts times amps? I mean,
you can make that many volts by just rubbing a kitty's fur backwards,
and it won't even kill you, though it might claw you up.
> -> Protegere said the shock disrupted power to 6,800 customers. The fence
> -> Grisham climbed is 7 feet tall and has three strands of barbed wire on
> -> top of it.
> ->
> -> Protegere said that to the left and right of the spot where he climbed
> -> over are "clearly visible signs" saying "Danger/High Voltage."
But according to the spokeswoman, high voltage is everywhere, even
in our homes, so why should we pay any attention to any signs about
it being in other places? We should just label the few things that
are safe to touch because they have only 9 volts in them, like stun guns.
-- K.
Serves him right for
having those packets
of microwave popcorn
in his pants.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Tornados
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 02:43:49 -0400
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> We don't have one of them now, but it _is_ currently hailing,
> thunderstorming, and sunshining all at once. The alarm on the church
> next door has apparently decided this is an Act of God, so that it
> should woop woop woop loudly...
Is is the First Church Of Curly, or the Second Church Of The Second Curly Joe?
Today we had a nasty cloudburst here which soaked me clear through all
my layers of clothing before I even got as far as the bus stop. I wasn't
wearing my leathers today, because I knew we were in for some rain.
However, it was only lightly sprinkling when I was getting dressed to
go out, so I didn't put on my fire-engine red rubberized rainsuit.
I only get about two chances a year to wear it, and I just missed one.
Fortunately, the rain did not wash all the beautiful dye out of my
ugly hair.
Where was I? Oh, yes, _you_ live next door to a church. _I_ live
across the street from a _basilica_. That's a church that turns you
to stone if you look at it. Unless you counteract that effect by
allowing the nuns to look at you naked as often as they want, which
seems to be a lot. I may have mentioned this twenty or thirty times
before, but they're just too damn lazy to come over and ask me to
roll my shades down.
I wonder if they're the ones making it rain on me.
-- K.
The nuns probably put all
those Al-Qaeda people in my
building, too. The nuns know
a god who knows Allah personally.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Need a word for
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:02:04 -0400
Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote:
>
> What is the word for letting the dog inside so it can go wake someone up
> by jumping on the bed and licking their face?
Poor Spot! He had to go inside and lick Bob Hope's face until he woke up!
And he was old and scaly! And dead! Spot licked and licked until he
licked hard enough to make Bob Hope come back to life. Then Bob Hope
killed Spot. Then Spot stayed dead until he licked himself enough to
wake himself up. Then he and Bob Hope went outside and the door slammed
behind them and there was nobody left on Earth to ever let them back in
again because by now everyone else had evolved into clouds of
super-intelligent spores that lived outside the Universe, in the
Land Of Eternal Sparkles. Spot and Bob Hope cried!
> Also it was fun to hide under the covers and have the two Jack Russels
> my parents had try and dig you out.
Good thing your parents didn't have two Helena Russells.
Or worse, one Helena Russell and one Bob Hope.
-- K.
Helena Russell licking Bob Hope.
There. Now that I've mentioned that
on the Internet, _everybody's_ gay.
You're welcome.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Need a word for
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:03:40 -0400
Another thing we need a word for:
When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well
you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising
to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount
someone else is going to be donating.
Whoops, someone just outbid me on that autographed Wil Wheaton book.
Now St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital is going to get an extra
two dollars and fifty cents but I still don't know the term for what
just happened...
What wanted word works where wacky World Wide Web's Wil "Wesley" Weaton's
weirdly wonderful work went while well-wishing weak wimpy waifs?
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228
-- K.
Go bid it up so I don't have to!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Need a word for
Date: Fri, 04 Jun 2004 14:52:14 -0400
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Another thing we need a word for:
> >
> > When you place a bid early on in a charity auction knowing full well
> > you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about temporarily promising
> > to give money to charity and slightly driving up the actual amount
> > someone else is going to be donating.
>
> And we need a complementary word for when you bid in a charity auction
> knowing full well you'll be outbid just so you can feel smug about
> temporarily promising to give money to charity and slightly driving up
> the actual amount someone else is going to be donating, and then you
> aren't. Outbid, I mean.
Hey, if I were _sure_ I'd be outbid, I would have bid like a million
billion zillion dollars so the sick kids got enough money for two and
a half new kidneys each, but since I figured it might turn out that
I'd crush everyone else in my quest to prove I was the nicest person
on the planet, I only bid an amount I could afford (about twenty dollars
over the previous high bid) because I have a big enough brain to know
that there might be some jerk out there who wants to give more money
to charity than I do. So I ran the price up about twenty dollars
and had the high bid for about a day before someone came along and
decided they wanted to pay more.
Charity auctions always strike me as a weird way to raise funds.
The prize doesn't go to whoever _donates_ the most, it goes to whoever
offers to donate the most, and then all the other people say "Whew!
Now I don't have to donate anything!" I wonder whether they'd
get more money or less money if they did it the other way around.
Or they could do it Hofstadter-style and divide up the prize equally
among all donors in proportion to how much they donated, i.e. everyone
who donated $1 would get a letter "e" from Wil Wheaton's memoirs and
people who donated more might get at least half a page. But I suppose
the cost of ripping the book into 5000 pieces and mailing all of them
would destroy the profit margin for the sick kids. Someone would have
to donate thousands of dollars in postage which would then be wasted
in an effort to raise hundreds of dollars. So many this is a stupid idea.
Remember, folks, you will be buying a _whole_ copy of Wil Wheaton's
"Dancing Barefoot" here when you help some children who are really sick:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6901578228
...how sick are these kids? Remember the kids in "Patch Adams"?
And remember how violently ill you got while watching him trying
to amuse them? That's how sick they are. And the only thing
that can cure them is for you to buy this book.
-- K.
And stop asking if I ghostwrote it.
It's not even my style. Even the
parts about Shatner being evil.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Someone too pervy for England?
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:16:57 -0400
[from reuters.co.uk]
->
-> Fetishist banned from hospitals
-> Wed 2 June, 2004 21:49
->
-> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has
-> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in
-> England and Wales, the NHS says.
Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & Battery.
-> Unemployed Norman Hutchins, 53, has harassed and abused medical
-> staff more than 40 times since January in his quest for surgical
-> masks and gowns, a court in York was told.
->
-> The court banned him from all private and NHS hospitals and
-> doctors' and dentists' offices.
The joke here would be so obvious that I won't even describe how
obvious the joke that would go here would be if I did describe it
so I won't. Nyah.
-> Hutchins tried to obtain medical items by feigning illness, or
-> claiming to need them for a fancy dress run or an amateur play,
-> the Times reported on Wednesday.
So he has a surgical-mask fetish but a fear of drugstores and
mail-order catalogs?
-> "(He has) caused harassment, alarm and distress to NHS staff when
-> attempting to obtain gowns and surgical masks in person or on the
-> phone," an NHS spokesman said in a statement.
Bless the British phone system for being able to send surgical
masks through those tiny wires.
-> More than 30 local health organisations banned him with civil
-> injunctions, but Hutchins kept moving to new areas.
->
-> Hutchins' lawyer Harry Bayman said his client "was not a well
-> man", but accepted the court's decision.
->
-> If he needs medical treatment, Hutchins will be allowed to visit
-> hospitals or doctors under strictly controlled conditions or with
-> prior written consent.
What if he has a fetish for strictly controlled conditions?
What if he has a fetish for court injunctions? Will the court rule
that no court will ever be allowed to issue an injunction against him?
What if he has a fetish for not being allowed to have a fetish?
What if he married Bizarro and they had a kid who came out half
backwards and half weird?
-- K.
Were there any episodes
where Hot Lips wore her
surgical mask at the same
time she cracked her whip?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: Someone too pervy for England?
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 20:54:59 -0400
Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has
> > -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in
> > -> England and Wales, the NHS says.
> >
> > Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire &
> > Battery.
>
> But you can still go to Canadian Tyre!
Already got banned from there for asking too many employees if I could
sit in the Michelin Man's lap. Apparently you're only allowed to do that
eleven times before they tell you to leave.
And then there was the incident at Roots, that stuff at Hudson's Bay
Trading Company, and of course that unpleasantness with the barbecue sauce
at Zellers. Not to mention that the first time I was in Toronto, the
Canadian government forbade me from visiting the CN Tower. In fact,
the only place in Canada where I'm still permitted is the Alberta
Telephone Museum, and it's not even as much fun as it sounds.
-- K.
Don't get me started on what
happened when I dressed up as
Tim Horton and went into a
doughnut shop with a bloody
steering wheel embedded in
my face.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:02:20 -0400
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> Subject: instant review: spicy hot V8
>
> Thoroughly unpleasant.
V8 used to have an intermediate flavor, "Picante", which was halfway
between regular and "Spicy Hot" V8 -- it basically tasted like tomato
juice with vinegar in it, instead of tomato juice with vinegar and
a tiny amount of hot pepper in it.
I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick
to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when
it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other
words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor.
If you want a fun spicy cocktail, get Frank's Chile & Lime flavor
hot sauce and drink that right from the bottle. (The Chile & Lime
Frank's is a little weaker than regular Frank's, but still has that
nice Frank's pepper flavor, plus a little cumin and garlic.)
There's also a Lemon V8, which is just plain wrong (lemon plus
tomato equals unholy cross-contamination of two fruit juices)
and a Calcium Enriched V8, which should be fed to condemned prisoners
in lieu of their last meal but only if they killed over 10,000 people.
Speaking of hot pepper in cold drinks, for fun try adding just a
tiny shot of hot sauce to something like a cold Coke. One or two
drops should give the drink a lot more zip for most people. My
preferred drink enhancers are as follows: For Coke or Pepsi,
hot sauce; for Dr Pepper, synthetic grenadine; for 7-Up or Sprite
(if I am forced to drink such things) synthetic blue raspberry syrup.
For milk, malt flavored Ovaltine (the yellow jar, the one with the
malt but not the chocolate.)
-- K.
I wonder why I'm
suddenly getting thirsty.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: instant review: spicy hot V8
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:21:05 -0400
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I don't like Spicy Hot V8 because, although it does have some kick
> > to it (it doesn't take much hot pepper to make something sting when
> > it's a cold liquid!) that kick is of the Tabasco-y variety, in other
> > words, vinegar plus heat without any interesting pepper flavor.
>
> My main problem with it was that somehow the spiciness happily skipped
> right over my lips and tongue and landed only upon my esophagus. How in
> the name of Holy Kibo, whose personal spiciness quotient knows no
> bounds, did they manage that?
Hot sauce has active components -- a flavor you taste with your tongue,
and heat that soaks in through any of your nerve endings (lips,
throat, stomach, urethra, wherever it gets.) That's why I like Frank's
better than Tabasco, because it has both flavor and heat. Something
that's just heat with no pleasant flavor, such as Tabasco, is best
consumed by gulping it down so it makes you high from your stomach,
because it'll make your mouth hurt if you dawdle. Hot sauce in the
stomach doesn't produce as much pain as it does in the mouth, but it'll
still get you all jazzed up. You'll note that the effect of having it
in your stomach isn't just a stomach feeling, but you can get a
full-body rush, all those endorphins and what-not. It makes me feel
like Godzilla -- huge and looking for things to crush.
Frank's and Texas Pete make "extra hot" varieties, which are just their
standard sauces plus extra capsaicin -- that gives it a lot more pain
with no additional flavor. I prefer the relatively mild sauces (such
as regular Frank's, and Frank's Chile & Lime) because I can use them
in large quantities to get a lot of heat and a lot of flavor too.
(The "extra hot" I do use on things that are going to be baked, like
chicken nuggets and pizza, because sauces lose some of their heat when
they dry up. The regular sauce is for adding to food after it's cooked.)
Hot sauce in a cold beverage stings more than hot sauce in warm food.
The spicy V8 isn't all that hot but it does sting a bit. If it's
beyond your tolerance, I recommend having some bread or rice or
something after you guzzle it as quickly as you can. (Don't sip it
slowly, you'll wind up with more pain. Get it down, then have something
bland to scrape it off your throat walls.)
Whatever you do, don't mix it with Pop Rocks.
-- K.
That's how Richard Feynman
died in Vietnam.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: lobster music
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:24:37 -0400
Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> Zippity zappity
> Benjamin Frankalin
> Scientist, diplomat,
> Of whom we boast
>
> Lucked out when acting as
> Potentiometer:
> Toast of the nation, he
> Could've been toast.
Pervert's Corpse Found In Town Common
The Philadelphia Enquirer
July 3, 1776
by Button Gannett
Philadelphia -- After yesterday's thunderstorm cleared, amid the
damp grass of Society Hill, the corpse of a fat naked man was
discovered, with a long string tied to his penis. A skeleton
key was hanging from the string, and its purpose was a mystery
until it was discovered to fit the chastity belt which had been
removed and discarded near the pervert. The local constable
dispatched a team of urchins to follow the string to find out
what was at the other end, and across the Delaware River,
a kite was discovered lodged between two crackhouses in Camden.
A local man by the name of Gigolo Joe was sent to the roof to
retrieve it. Mr. Joe theorizes that perhaps the roasted pervert
was attempting to discover whether it was possible to have sex
with an electrical appliance, and then Mr. Joe yelled "WINK!!!!"
and then the movie managed to get even worse before the ending
and then the filler and then the other ending and then the
more filler and then the other other ending.
No identification was found on the pervert's corpse, although
he was carrying a checklist which read:
THINGS TO INVENT
[X] Post Office
[X] library
[X] fire department
[X] fire insurance
[X] fire extortion
[X] eyeglasses
[X] stove
[X] harmonica
[X] odometer
[X] French fries
[X] tofu
[ ] swivel chair
"DAMN YOU, THOMAS JEFFERSON!" was written below that, and in
smaller letters, "Note to self: Find out means to prolong my
life until I can screw Diana Rigg at the Hellfire Club. Must
end this note now because I have to begin my 'air bath' in time
for the fife-and-drum parade to pass by my open window. Oh, my."
If anyone has any information as to the identity of the deceased,
please contact Independence Hall so we can honor his sexual research
by adding his picture to our future paper money even though he will
never be a President.
-- K.
This was a true story,
especially the parts about
Spielberg's "A.I.", which
really did suck.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Request
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 15:48:18 -0400
ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote:
>
> In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having
> fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me.
With me, those two events go in the other order.
> Thanks you.
A/S/L?
-- K.
Precisely what signs would
these be? Will you start
dotting your "i"s with little
hearts in some horrible
perversion of the typewriter
font I'm reading this in?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Request
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 18:07:11 -0400
ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > ras2 (removethis@gmx.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > In the unlikely event that I should ever again show signs of having
> > > fallen in love, somebody kindly throw something heavy at me.
> >
> > With me, those two events go in the other order.
>
> I was beginning to wonder if that was what I was missing, but it
> apparently wasn't. No heavy objects were involved, at least.
But were they thrown at you kindly? That makes all the difference.
If they throw them in anger, it's more likely to cause divorce that love.
> > > Thanks you.
> >
> > A/S/L?
>
> I always read that as "Advanced Squad Leader" and that seems kind of
> a strange question.
It's short for "Asparagus/Spinach/Leeks?" which is the way nerds ask
each other which is their favorite vegetable, among the three nerds like.
I would say leeks.
> > Precisely what signs would
> > these be? Will you start
> > dotting your "i"s with little
> > hearts in some horrible
> > perversion of the typewriter
> > font I'm reading this in?
>
> Well, I was wondering the same thing, actually, except for the bit about
> the little hearts, but I think that when I disappear for three months or
> so, it may be a sign that I have fallen in love. Of course, it could also
> be a sign that I'm dead or bored or that my monitor finally got around to
> exploding or all of the above, but still.
> It's probably a sign of something, anyway.
Maybe your monitor wants to explode because it secretly loves you.
By the way, are crushes transitive? That is, if you have a crush on
someone, and then a third person develops a crush on you, is there
a way you can just step back so that the gap closes up and the third person
goes after the other one and you're scot-free of any and all romantic
entanglements?
-- K.
Why are Scots free? I thought
they were cheap, not free.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bumgarner speaks!
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 21:37:38 -0400
Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote:
> >
> > BTW, at the same time I was experimenting with grenadine.
>
> YOU FOOL!
IT'S MADE FROM REAL GRENADES! DON'T DRINK IT OR SOMEONE WILL HAVE
TO THROW THEMSELVES ON YOU TO SAVE A THIRD PARTY FROM THE EXPLOSION
AND THEN THEY MIGHT GROW UP TO BE HITLER! THE PRIME DIRECTIVE
FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU! FORBIDS YOU!
> Soon, only bathing nightly in mango lassi will satiate your exotic
> fruit desire.
And eventually, when your money runs out, you'll have to keep re-using
it and spend week after week bathing in the same mangy lassi.
> NOTE: I call dibs on 'Exštic FrŸit Desire' as a band name. By day, we
> will be Fruit of the Loom spokesmodels, by night... WE SHALL ROCK!
If I were Conan O'Brien, I'd say something about Joel Goddard.
-- K.
Do condoms prevent the spread of yellow fever?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too!
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 02:37:55 -0400
TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
>
> TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
> >
> > Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
> > >
> > > Who sings the theme song that plays over the title sequence in
> > > the Disney cartoon version of Peter Pan?
> >
> > "The Jud Conlon Chorus"
>
> "You're Welcome"
>
> I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the
> way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF?
> It's now part of the cool table creed to just not say "OK"?
OK, it is now. OK, everyone here at the cool table, never say "OK", OK?
> I'm not looking for a Happy Snoopy Dance of acceptance, but several
> times questions has been tossed out in to the either - which (after a
> properly respectful period) I tossed in a useless (but randomly correct)
> answer. Go figure. The answers are actually correct - lord knows why the
> questions have been asked, but that's between you and Kibo.
Some questions:
a) What's the difference between "ether" and "either"?
b) What's the difference between a Happy Snoopy Dance and a
Happy Hamster Dance?
c) What about a Happy Hamster Dance In A Nappy Hamper?
d) Why don't you ever answer my _important_ questions instead of
ones about Disney cartoons about fictional characters that people
liked during the Victorian era back when all literature was
designed to encourage pedophilia?
e) Speaking of Peter Pan, why do more fictional characters have
brands of peanut butter named after them than any other semi-solid
colloidal food products?
f) Because you are the expert in answering "mildly gay" questions about
The Green-Leotard-Wearing Glee Chorus For Men Only, does that make
you _extremely_ mildly gay or just _regular_ mildly gay?
> You may now proceed with the mocking - Mr. Wilson is particularly
> qualified for the most hostile approaches,...
You insult me by implying that I can't be as hostile as someone whose idea
of putting someone down consists of pointing out that that he teaches at a
college. (My idea of putting someone down _also_ consists of pointing out
that Kevin teaches at a college, but I also have the power to call people
extremely mildly gay, you nearly metrosexual person.)
-- K.
g) What color are the dancing bears?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too!
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:10:30 -0400
Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
> >
> > ÂR \\ "More people are killed in cars every day than are
> > \\ killed by gay marriages. Why not outlaw cars?"
>
> Thing is, that's actually a good idea.
No way. I don't want to get married and then go jogging down the
street with a bunch of tin cans tied to my nuts.
I say we allow cars for gay marriages. In fact, make it mandatory --
anyone who wants to drive a car has to have a gay marriage (and not
just to the car, Hasselhoff-style.)
-- K.
I still want to know if it's
legal to put the same name
in both blanks on the marriage
license to marry myself.
I'd ask GLAAD but I think
they're busy being technical
advisors to Horatio Sanz movies.
Of course, if it comes to pass
that a driver's license requires
a gay marriage, it will lead
to the creation of GLAAAD.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too!
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:53:20 -0400
Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I say we allow cars for gay marriages. In fact, make it mandatory --
> > anyone who wants to drive a car has to have a gay marriage (and not
> > just to the car, Hasselhoff-style.)
>
> You know that other thread, where you were laughing at the implication
> that being gay makes you obese?
>
> I'm not going to spell it out, OK?
What, are you saying I should get a car? And then drive around until I get
really wide? And then you'd tease me about being a bear every time I allowed
a string of (fully heterosexual) dancing bears to hold up signs mocking
someone's obvious inanity? And you'd put a ring in my nose with a leash
on it and sell me to an organ-grinder in Bulgaria? And I'd have to dance
for the tourists? And you'd be the organ-grinder? And it wouldn't be
_that_ kind of "organ"? And you'd spend all the money we earned buying
yourself a pogo stick so you could ride it around all day without getting
fat? WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME JUST BECAUSE IT'S POSSIBLE THAT SOMEDAY I
COULD BE FAT INSTEAD OF SO WONDERFULLY SVELTE?
Or did you just mean that David Hasselhoff is fat?
-- K.
He sure has fat hair!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Ping - Mark South - Re: A Kibological Question - Mildy Gay, Too!
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 15:36:53 -0400
Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote:
> >
> > I know everyone in the inner circle of Kibo is very busy (and by the
> > way, those hats look great on you), and ya'll have stuff to do, but WTF?
>
> Yeah, we have to have our weekly conference on who's cool, whom Seth
> should troll mercilessly in the next few days, what colour Kibo should
> pretend to dye his hair, that sort of thing.
I have to pretend it's brilliant orange right now in order to cover up
the fact that I took a job in the orange juice factory where I have to
stir the vats with my head.
This morning I had a dream that a chick in an amusement park (she operated
the log-flume ride, just in case that means anything) complimented me on
my hair and beard but insisted I should grow my beard "pointier". She had
solid bright reddish-magneta hair... and a full beard. Can someone please
say something to me that will make me not be creeped out by this dream?
-- K.
If I were only pretending
to dye my hair, don't you
think I'd also be pretending
everyone loved it, instead
of everyone but the woman
who needed my beard pointier?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Denny's in the news
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 16:48:49 -0400
[from www.stltoday.com]
->
-> Ex-cook is charged with tainting food
-> By William Lamb
-> Of the Post-Dispatch
-> 06/03/2004
->
-> A former night-shift cook at the Denny's restaurant on Illinois
-> Route 3 in Waterloo has been charged with aggravated battery
-> after being accused of contaminating food and watching customers
-> eat it, authorities said Thursday.
->
-> Police said that Anthony J. Lindhorst, 26, of Waterloo,
-> deliberately contaminated food on at least two occasions by
-> putting his semen into the honey-mustard dressing that the
-> restaurant serves with its chicken strips, said Capt. Suzanne
-> Sweet of the Waterloo police. The incidents occurred in November
-> and April, police said.
And then nine months later, a bunch of nuns gave birth to...
Wait, that's a different joke. I'll put that back in my filing
cabinet of Dirty Jokes About Restaurant Workers Masturbating, which
is 49% about how they frost Krispy Kremes, and 49% about how they
make the holes in Krispy Kremes, and 1% about what Kurt Vonnegut
likes to do with a rolling Krispy Kreme, and 1% about everything else.
-> On both occasions, Lindhorst targeted "people that he didn't
-> like, for one reason or another," Sweet said.
You don't want to know what he gave the people he _did_ like.
-> One was a woman in her early 40s. The other victim, Sweet said,
-> was a male police officer in his late 20s who had issued
-> Lindhorst a traffic ticket.
->
-> A judge in Monroe County this week found probable cause for
-> Lindhorst to stand trial on four counts of aggravated battery.
I thought Denny's chicken strips were breaded, not battered.
-> Sweet said that Lindhorst worked at the restaurant for about a
-> year until he was fired in April for bringing brownies to work
-> that he had baked with marijuana. Lindhorst served the brownies
-> to two co-workers and that two of the aggravated battery charges
-> stem from that incident, Sweet said.
"aggravated"?
"Yes, your honor, I put the illegal drugs in their food, and
I jerked off into the dipping sauce, but I had an excuse."
-> Waterloo police launched an investigation into the incidents on
-> May 12 after three witnesses came forward with information, Sweet
-> said. Lindhorst was arrested May 17.
->
-> Kris Reitz, the Monroe County state's attorney, declined to
-> comment on the case Thursday
->
-> Lindhorst, who is out on bond, also could not be reached.
->
-> In addition to being unpleasant,
NO, REALLY?
-> Lindhorst's alleged behavior also carries serious health risks,
NO, REALLY?
-> Sweet said. Both victims have undergone blood tests that so far
-> have found no evidence of communicable disease, Sweet said.
And even if they had any, they probably would've just caught it
from the filthy, disgusting food at Denny's, like millions of
other people do. If anything, adding sperm to the recipe probably
made it cleaner. And less slimy.
But to fix the problem of sperm contamination in their food,
Denny's is going to increase the quantity of nonoxynol-9 in
the silicone-based lube they fry their food in.
And now, some highlights of things I've recently said about Denny's.
//////////// RE-RUNS BEGIN HERE, COVER YOUR EYES NOW ////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: In The News Today.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:46:29 GMT
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes:
> >
> > and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim
> > meals". (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into
> > the kosher meals!)
>
> Yeah, AS IF anything at Denny's would ever be considered kosher, halal, or
> paraburnachadranda. It's all soaked in cheap bacon grease that other and
> therefore better restaurants would sell to soap makers.
I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their
breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat
opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. The stuff Denny's fries
their hash browns (which are neither) in is actually Bac*Os grease, which
they make by adding Magic Solution to some magenta Magic Rocks, waiting
for them to grow into trees of Bac*Os, then they pour the leftover
Magic Solution into a frying pan and drop in the pre-cooked frozen
artificial hash browns. Oh, and the frying pan has a little microwave
emitter in the bottom. This is why Denny's employees have to wear metal
masks. At least that's what the one covered in blood told me.
I remember before they changed their name from "Sambo's". (Incidentally,
it was allegedly named after their founders, Sam and Bo, but still they
obviously had Little Black Sambo as their mascot.) I suspect that
diligent historial research would uncover what the restaurants were named
before "Sambo's", probably something even more offensive, like "Pauly Shore".
I wonder what he's up to... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE?
-- K.
(insert footage of several toddlers
beating the tar out of Pauly Shore
while he rolls on the ground and cries.
In the background, his chauffeur
is holding the limo door open, waiting
for him to cease being beaten. This
will never happen. The End.)
//////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ///////////////////////////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: In The News Today.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:37:17 GMT
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes:
> >
> > I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their
> > breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat
> > opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks.
>
> THIS BACON HAS MULTIPLE SECURITY FEATURES TO PREVENT FORGERY. SORRY
> ABOUT THE ALL CAPS, IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY. VOID IN BEDPAN.
Please, it was burned _sausages_ they were drawing out of the bedpan
to choose who would go to the front lines in that "M*A*S*H" episode.
I think you're confusing the "Bacon In A Bottle" segment of "The Special Show"
with the "Diaper Burger" segment of "The Special Show" and the
"Bee In A Balloon" segment of "The Prisoner (Now With Bees)".
Oh, wait, it was a pun. STOP THIS ARTICLE, I HAVE DETECTED A PUN!!!!
I MUST REMAKE MY REPLY IN ITS IMAGE!!!
Um... bacon pun, bacon pun... pacon bun... bacon in a bedpun... bacon-lax...
bacon burlap... echo team delta dinosaur... wox woxwox... glink... um...
*** NO BACON PUNS FOUND, USING BACKUP PUN
"What do you call a really weak pun?"
"I don't know, what do you call a really weak pun?"
"Do you want to know what you call a really weak pun?"
"Yes, I want to know, what do you call a really weak pun?"
"Do you absolutely, positively, want to know what you call a really weak pun?"
"Yes, I absolutely, positively MUST know what you call a really weak pun!"
"PUN-Y! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS!!!!"
"I don't get it."
"It was a long U!"
"An overly-distended inflatable sheep?"
"No, I meant... WAAH, YOU CAN SAY PUNS TOO! MY LIFESTYLE IS RUINED!"
-- K.
(Kibo begins slowly turning the crank
that cancels out all puns forever)
//////////// RE-RUNS KEEP COMING, BECAUSE YOU WERE BAD //////////////////////
[excerpted from "The Special Show!" for Halloween, 2001]
(CUT TO:)
("DENNY'S" sign)
(music: perky)
NARRATOR
(voiceover)
It's time for breakfast at Denny's!
(Interior of Denny's. A PREPPY MAN and PREPPY WOMAN enter
and a WAITRESS meets them.)
PREPPY MAN
Table for two, please.
WAITRESS
Smoking or non-smoking?
(We see an area of the restaurant where all the tables on
the right side of the screen are covered by a thick cloud of
cigarette smoke which somehow stays away from the other tables.)
PREPPY MAN
Non-smoking, please.
WAITRESS
One-sided table or two?
(We see a bunch of normal tables on the right, and some
Mobius-strip-shaped ones on the left. A BUSBOY is setting
out silverware on one of the flat tables, and he puts some
on the top and some on the underside.)
PREPPY WOMAN
Regular two-sided table, please.
WAITRESS
And... one Hitler or two?
PREPPY MAN & WOMAN
(together)
Whaaaaaat?
WAITRESS
(perky)
At Denny's, Hitler always eats free!
ONE HITLER AND TWO HITLERS
(all together)
An order of onion rings for everyone! That guy will pay
for it!
PREPPY MAN
No I won't. We're leaving.
WAITRESS
Shot as you try to escape, or beaten to death?
("DENNY'S" sign)
NARRATOR
(voiceover)
Denny's. There is no escape!
//////////// OH MY, MORE RE-RUNS ////////////////////////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Psychology/Mental Studies Whatever College Doidy Doidy
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 02:16:47 -0500
Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
>
> Everyone's heard of a college professor who challenges students to prove
> that the chair exists.
I haven't. However, I just spent the last twenty minutes telling
alt.religion.kibology all about my MINT IN BOX INFLATABLE JAR JAR CHAIR
when I should have been doing my laundry, but now I'm depressed because
you just made me realize that I can't prove it exists because I've
never opened the box and thus it could be something else that feels
like a big wad of vinyl, like a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast.
[...]
//////////// ONE MORE THEN YOU CAN GO HOME AND CRY //////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Contender for Darwin Award fails qualifying round
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 14:15:48 -0400
barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
>
> Story from this morning's news that contains the words "his pants
> appeared to have exploded":
> ->
> -> Indiana. Man Survives 69,000-Volt Shock
> ->
> -> The Associated Press
> -> Wednesday, June 2, 2004; 7:25 AM
> ->
> -> CLARKSVILLE, Ind. - A 22-year-old man who climbed an electrical tower
> -> survived a 69,000-volt shock, a jolt that's nearly always fatal,
> -> utility officials said.
> ->
> -> Jason Grisham was in fair condition Tuesday in a hospital burn unit.
> ->
> -> Police and a Cinergy/PSI employee found Grisham asking for help as he
> -> emerged Sunday from behind a building at a substation where the tower
> -> was scaled. Grisham "appeared to have extensive burn marks on his
> -> chest and his pants appeared to have exploded," police said.
Before or after he touched the tower? This is important because
he might have just come from Denny's.
[...]
//////////// RE-RUNS END HERE, BUT ONLY 'TIL MIDNIGHT ///////////////////////
And that last one was posted just three days ago! And now, three days
later, we have actual documented newspaper evidence that Denny's puts
spooge in their sauce, just as I almost implied!
-- K.
And then there's Arby's.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow.
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 19:15:13 -0400
In ne.general, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote:
>
> Where around the web would there be the texts or extracts of the
> O'Neil play...
> The Iceman Cometh
>
> and the Eugene O'Neil short story...
> Tomorrow
> ?
Every fiber of my being is resisting the urge to bring out ten million
glowing, sparkling, rainbow-colored dancing bears blowing giant tubas
that spew out banners that read "GO TO THE FUCKING LIBRARY, DON!"
followed by an anteater holding up a little sign saying "Or at least
go to www.google.com and type in 'How do I find www.google.com?'"
Don, I've formulated a theory that you have never even been in the
Boston Public Library and your constant blathering about the BPL
and Bernie Margolis is just disinformation to keep us from realizing
that you're not allowed to cross the street, let alone willing to
walk into a whole building that has doors and stuff. I challenge you
to prove me wrong -- tell us something that only someone who's ever
been inside the Boston Public Library could know. I daaaaaare you.
-- K.
In fact, I was having lunch with
BPL President Bernie Margolis just
yesterday and he said he'd never
heard of you, no matter how many
different ways I described you.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: O'Neil. The Iceman Cometh. Tomorrow.
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 06:33:37 -0400
[in response to a challenge to Don to prove he's ever been in the
library his life allegedly revolves around]
In ne.general and alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@gnu.org) wrote:
>
> Not thinking Thinking
> Don't make me think Thinks that make us think
> Obvious Requires thought
> .... Milliseconds of thought
> .... ....
> .... ....
Either you're trying to tell me you haven't actually been to the
Boston Public Library, or else you're trying to say it would be a
big mistake for me to pick you as my partner for "The $25,000 Pyramid".
Fortunately, I think Dick Clark said that if I ever travel back in
time to be on his show, I'll be paired with Skip Stephenson or
possibly Valerie Bertinelli, so I should do fine.
Now, Don, either build me a time machine or tell us some detail of
the interior of the Boston Public Library which will demonstrate
you've ever been in there -- and it doesn't count if you just spent
all day stuck going around and around in the revolving door.
You could FedEx me a Polaroid of you holding up today's newspaper attached
to those big wooden sticks that mark it as an official library newspaper.
I'd buy that as evidence, provided you could also prove you don't have
lots of those big wooden sticks around your home. Come to think of it,
forget that idea, because I imagine you have hundreds of those, and keep
your learner's permit and boxer shorts and cat permanently clamped into them.
Tell you what. Just steal any book from the library and send it to me.
Then I'll tell everyone you're a good user of the library. Note: I just
got "Clean Needle Technique" by Belluomini so please don't make it that book.
Thank you for your cooperation.
-- K.
I could also use the widescreen
DVD of "Barbarella" as long as
you're out shoplifting for me.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: McDonalds Statues
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:39:17 -0400
Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
>
> So...anyone remember those statues outside of McDonalds, with
> Ronald McDonald sitting with one leg across the other?
Yes, they're still around. It's de rigeur for anyone with a photoblog
to pose with one of those. Unless, of course, the blogger in question
is Ronald McDonald, in which case he has to pose with PETA or Greenpeace
cutting off his head with a giant chainsaw or something.
I put my arm around a Ronald McDonald once, but it was only one of
those statues so that hardly counts as touching a clown.
> Since they created a big hole in his lap, more then one kid has
> gotten his head stuck in said hole. Wonder what happened to the
> statues. Since obviously they dumped 'em. Didn't they?
If you had even a quarter pound of compassion, you'd be asking what
happened to the _kids_.
OH MY GOD, McSOYLENT NUGGETS ARE... eh, I'm bored. Going to the mall now.
-- K.
Ronald's just not as
huggable as Bibendum.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibological job?
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:56:20 -0400
Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> In Dallas, there is a Courtesy Patrol that drives the freeways,
> helping motorists with problems like flat tires, overheated engines
> and such.
>
> Well, on the way to work one day, I was driving behind one of their
> pickup trucks. Traffic was slow, and I could read the lettering on the
> tailgate.
>
> It said:
>
> "State of Texas Courtesy Patrol"
> "Enforcement Division"
>
> Now, this just seems odd to me. What are they enforcing? Courtesy? Are
> they dressed all in leather, with armored gloves, floggers and an
> eagerness to bring courtesy to the masses?
It's like if Captain Kangaroo's rank wasn't merely honorary.
Y'all call him "Captain Sir", y'hear? Else he's gonna teach you
some politeness, and if there are any Ping-Pong balls involved,
there's gonna be a bunny-floggin'.
> If so, it sure isn't working, judging from the other drivers out here...
I take it you've never visited Boston.
When you do, bring several hundred of those squishy stress balls.
You'll shred at least three just making that turn at Beacon & Arlington
in front of "Cheers". And don't even ask about getting out of the
airport parking garage with your original blood pressure.
-- K.
It's not an "eagerness",
it's a moral obligation.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibological job?
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:48:10 -0400
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I take it you've never visited Boston.
>
> Non-driver that he is, Kibo knows of what he speaks.
Hell, yes. This is one reason I don't drive. Boston's traffic scares
the hell out of me.
> I learned to drive in Dallas. In comparison, I find New York City
> driving to be pretty much like sleepwalking, and Boston driving to be
> more akin to trying to jump onto the spinning merry-go-round while
> the class bullies in the middle of it hurl rocks and rotting fruit at you.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Boston's drivers are far more
evil than New York's. In New York's, you have aggressive skilled drivers
competing with you. In Boston, you have very aggressive _bad_ drivers
competing with you and/or caroming off your car as if the other drivers
are imitating chimps playing video games. Boston's drivers are the ones
which accelerate towards pedestrians, speed up when it rains, and,
of course, make left turns through red lights without slowing down.
I am so glad we have a pretty good public-transit system. Taxis are
plentiful, too, but only if you're white.
You don't have to go too far outside Boston to discover that the
assholishness of drivers here isn't an East Coast thing, but a Boston-
specific thing. Even just going as far as Salem will reward you with
the sight of drivers who are courteous to other drivers and pedestrians.
New York is an anomalous pocket of people who all drive like taxi drivers,
while Boston is an enclave of people who drive like crazy morons.
-- K.
And let's not forget
the Boston-area tradition
of drivers getting
"intersection narcolepsy"
on the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibological job?
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 01:11:07 -0400
TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
>
> barbara@bookpro.com wrote:
> >
> > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > You don't have to go too far outside Boston to discover that the
> > > assholishness of drivers here isn't an East Coast thing, but a
> > > Boston-specific thing.
> >
> > You have to go farther than Newton, that's for sure. Also, the first
> > time I ever drove on the Cape, 20-odd years ago, I was fascinated and
> > horrified by the way drivers on Rt 28 (Dennis, Hyannis, etc.), when
> > turning left across traffic, would wait until the last moment to make
> > the left turn, just before an oncoming car got there, even when they
> > had plenty of time before that.
>
> So it was *you* pointing the ray gun, eh?
>
> Lastnight, some moron waited for about 20 seconds while I ambled my
> way up the road. I had both bright bike lights on, but then he let the
> clutch go when I was about 1m from the side of 'im. I ranted and
> raved, and then continued to ride home.
>
> Then this monring, a ute driver did almost exactly the same thing.
Was this ute, razy driver the elebrity host of "Andid Amera", Allen Unt?
Sorry. Too easy to work that one in at the drop of a onsonant.
I apologize for that old joke being so rappy.
-- K.
I was just trying to be harming.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit!
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 17:03:18 -0400
[...on the book "Naked Lunch"...]
Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> My version is newer and faster -- you can pick up everything in one
> pass. Reading shouldn't be like using a crappy vacuum cleaner, where
> you go over and over the same spot and still miss half the junk that's
> down there. When people read Usenet, they expect it to suck harder
> than that.
You want Usenet to suck harder than "Naked Lunch"? Get real! The rest
of us are up to wanting Usenet to suck harder than Ayn Rand going down on
Bucky Fuller... as described by Ian Fleming. Now that's literary suction.
By the way, the offer still stands: Mail me any Ayn Rand book and I'll
make fun of it, somewhere, somehow, or die trying. And I promise to
include a line about "Ayn Rand" almost being an anagram of "Dynagirl"
so that Sid & Marty Krofft can be involved, because Ayn Rand and the
Bugaloos are two great tastes that go great together here in this
Bizarro world called life.
-- K.
I am determined to prove I can
write as awkwardly as her.
But first, BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit!
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:11:58 -0400
Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > By the way, the offer still stands: Mail me any Ayn Rand book
> > and I'll make fun of it, somewhere, somehow, or die trying.
>
> It's not the whole book but it's enough to make a good start on for
> someone of your unique mix of talent:
>
> http://www.auburn.edu/~brickma/jgalt.html
Dammit, I said mail me a book! On paper and stuff. Waah! You've
robbed me of the joy of ripping the pages out one by one and flushing
Ayn Rand down the toilet bit by bit!
I had been intending to write a zany parody of the story of an Ayn Rand
classic, but since that excerpt is just the beginning of a three-hour
oration by some manifesto-bearing bore named John Galt, I really
can't do very much with it. I'll just listen to the speech and
treat it with the respect it deserves.
-> For twelve years you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is
-> John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man
-> who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who
-> has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world,
-> and if you wish to know why you are perishing--you who dread
-> knowledge--I am the man who will now tell you.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I am the man who is holding you down and farting on your face.
You can't stop me. You can't even stop a man from farting, much
less write something with literary merit.
-> You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You
-> have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words
-> had no meaning. You have cried that man's sins are destroying the
-> world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness to
-> practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists
-> of sacrifice, you have demanded more sacrifices at every
-> successive disaster. In the name of a return to morality, you
-> have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of
-> your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have
-> sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to
-> faith. You have sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed
-> self-esteem to self-denial. You have sacrificed happiness to duty.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I deny having sacrificed anything to denial. Also I have not
sacrificed anything to duty -- it was the other way around, I put
the duty in a flaming paper bag and left it on the altar of Ayn Rand.
-> You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and
-> achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then do you
-> shrink in horror from the sight of the world around you? That
-> world is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the
-> image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into
-> reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it,
-> you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I -- I am the
-> man who has granted you your wish.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I am currently imagining you as Nurse Diesel from "High Anxiety"
except without the complex moral philosophy.
-> Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality
-> was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have
-> taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed
-> the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I
-> have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have
-> deprived your world of man's mind.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I am depriving your world of having Ayn Rand's face not farted on.
-> Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who
-> do. The mind is impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose
-> mind isn't. There are higher values than the mind, you say? I
-> have withdrawn those for whom there aren't.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I have withdrawn in order to give you a "David Copperfield" in
the old labonza.
-> While you were dragging to your sacrificial altars the men of
-> justice, of reason, of independence, of wealth, of self-esteem --
-> I beat you to it, I reached them first. I told them the nature of
-> the game you were playing and the nature of the moral code of
-> yours, which they had been too innocently generous to grasp. I
-> showed them the way to live by another morality -- mine. It is
-> mine that they chose to follow.
Dear Ayn Rand,
I told them the nature of the game you're playing. It's "Tetris",
except that instead of little square blocks it has great big chunks
of awkward writing, none of which fit together.
-> All the men who have vanished, the men you hated, yet dreaded to
-> lose, it is I who have taken them away from you. Do not attempt
-> to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not cry that it is
-> our duty to serve you. We do not recognize such duty. Do not cry
-> that you own us. You don't. Do not beg us to return. We are on
-> strike, we, the men of the mind.
Dear Ayn Rand,
Fart fart fart fart fart fart fart. How do you like _those_ apples?
-> We are on strike against self-immolation. We are on strike
-> against the creed of unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. We
-> are on strike against the dogma that the pursuit of one's
-> happiness is evil. We are on strike against the doctrine that
-> life is guilt.
Dear Ayn Rand,
Captain Kirk told me to tell you that you belong in the circus
freak show, right next to the dogma-faced boy.
-> There is a difference between our strike and all those you've
-> practiced for centuries: our strike consists, not of making
-> demands, but of granting them. We are evil according to your
-> morality. We have chosen not to harm you any longer. We are
-> useless, according to your economics. We have chosen not to
-> exploit you any longer. We are dangerous and to be shackled,
-> according to your politics. We have chosen not to endanger you,
-> nor to wear the shackles any longer. We are only an illusion,
-> according to your philosophy. We have chosen not to blind you any
-> longer and have left you free to face reality--the reality you
-> wanted, the world as you see it now, a world without mind.
Dear Ayn Rand,
Shackles, schmackles. All the shackles in the world can't stop
me from farting on you. And I just did.
-> We have granted you everything you demanded of us, we who had
-> always been the givers, but have only now understood it. We have
-> no demands to present to you, no terms of bargain about, no
-> compromise to reach. You have nothing to offer us. WE DO NOT
-> NEED YOU.
Dear Ayn Rand,
And you do not need a colossal peppermint-stick ice cream enema
with jagged corners in it, but we need to give it to you.
But first, more farting. Ah. This is relaxing because you're
so easy to fart on.
-> Are you crying: No, this was not what you wanted? A mindless
-> world of ruins was not your goal? You did not want us to leave you?
-> You moral cannibals, I know that you've always known what it was
-> that you wanted. But your game is up, because now we know it too.
Dear Ayn Rand,
What is a moral cannibal? Is that a moral which eats another moral?
-> Through centuries of scourges and disasters, brought about by
-> your code of morality, you have cried that your code had been
-> broken, that the scourges were punishment for breaking it, that
-> men were too weak and too selfish to spill all the blood it
-> required. You damned man, you damned existence, you damned this
-> earth, but never dared to question your code. Your victims took
-> the blame and struggled on, with your curses as rewards for their
-> martyrdom--while you went on crying that your code was noble, but
-> human nature was not good enough to practice it. And no one rose
-> to ask the question: Good?--by what standard?
Dear Ayn Rand,
I question your code. I syntax-check your code. I replace your
code with a big rendered GIF that says "BITE ME" in an ugly font.
In 3-D.
-> You wanted to know John Galt's identity. I am the man who has
-> asked that question.
Dear Ayn Rand,
################### ######### ################# #################
### #### ### ## ### ## ### ##
################ ### ### ##########
### #### ### ### ### ##
################### ######### ######### #################
############## ############## ########################
### #### #### ### ### ##
### #### #### ### ################
### ###### ### ### ##
######### ## ######### ########################
######### ######### ########################
######### ## ### ## ######### ### ###### ####
######### ## ##### ## ######### ## ### ##### ### ###
######### ## ## ## ## ######### ####### ##### #### ##
######### ## ## ### ## ######### ##### ## # #### ##
######### ## ## ## ## ######### ####### ##### #### ##
######### ## ## ##### ######### ## ### ##### ### ###
######### ## ## ### ######### ### ###### ####
######### ######### ########################
######### ######### ########################
(There was more, much more, to that speech of John Galt's, but let's
face it, any three seconds of it are like the other three hours of it.
So I will stop here. Don't ask me whether the rest of the novel
contains any characters or story or anything, it might just all be
speeches, like a more joyless version of "1984".)
Dear Ayn Rand,
I want my money back. The Internet sucks because of you.
-- K.
I bet Ayn Rand hated
doing housework.
If I were her husband,
I'd get her a better
vacuum cleaner to cheer
her up. Also really
great breast implants.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: You've got a butt that won't quit!
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:46:01 -0400
Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Dammit, I said mail me a book! On paper and stuff. Waah! You've
> > robbed me of the joy of ripping the pages out one by one and flushing
> > Ayn Rand down the toilet bit by bit!
>
> Receiving a book by mail probably qualifies you as a terrorist.
> Especially where you live, and with using the Boston Metro and all.
Hey, it was a _fictional_ character named "Dr. Kai Bow" who rode the
"Boston Metro" in that "X-Files" episode (the title was "Medusa" if
you want to check your DVDs.) I ride the _real_ subway, which is known
as the (T), or as I call it now that it's decided to hassle its passengers
in all sorts of new ways, the (F)ing (T).
"(T)" is short for "MBTA", which is short for "Mass Bay Trans Auth",
which is short for "Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority",
which was formerly the "MTA", which had a song about it which really
sucked but which everyone in this area has to hear all the time even
though it gets the name of our Transportation Authority wrong.
Also, some of the stupid little brass tokens still say "MTA" on them.
I suspect with regard to books by mail, sooner or later the gummervint
is going to realize it can just ask Amazon.com to "recommend" which
customers are terrorists. Fortunately, because I've bought one of
_everything_ from Amazon, I'm clearly a good consumer and not a terrorist.
For example, I ordered the Sugar-Free Chocolate-Covered Pork Rinds.
Those not only aren't halal, they're food only someone who is really
well-adjusted could handle eating.
-- K.
I wish they were
available with sugar.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sleep Tight!
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:59:16 -0400
"Polyglot" (denisNOSPAMfree@msn.com) wrote:
>
> I charge money to teach Grammar / Tech Writing .
And that's why you'll never be rich, Mr. "I put spaces before my periods" Glot.
> When your cheque (check) arrives, I'll explain, otherwise if you are
> having grammar / comprehension problems just ask a young child.
Maybe you should ask Groucho Marx to help you tell his joke, kiddo.
> I thought I had kept it simple enough for you. Apparently I didn't.
"Kept" doesn't need the past perfect tense, unless you are implying that
your words sometimes become more complicated after you say them.
You're welcome, and fatuous.
-- K.
Oh, and with regard to you showing off
that you know both the British and
American spellings of three or four words?
You're an arsehole, asshole.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly!
Date: Sat, 05 Jun 2004 23:40:25 -0400
MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote:
> >
> > I can only experience so much schadenfreude.
>
> Okay let's see how much pain you can experience...
I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me.
-- K.
I think the upper limit of
"how much pain you can experience"
would be something involving a
tiny AM radio implanted in your
head playing Chris Isaak's
"Wicked Game" forever and ever.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Sleep Tightly!
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 16:49:08 -0400
Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm sorry, but this newsgroup is getting too sadomasochistic for me.
>
> By the way, speaking of sleep, Kibo, and sadism, I had this dream last
> night (or actually, earlier this morning) in which Kibo went to a
> party in the neighborhood where Boston's mayor lives and he had to
> bring several thousand dollars in cash with him as part of a court
> order stemming from an early-1990s incident in which he made the
> previous mayor of Boston injure himself by headbutting a thick metal
> open-ended wrench [...]
I don't even remember who the previous mayor was before Menino and his
ten photo-ops a day. I can't remember his name, but I do remember that
his son once partied with my college roommates using his father's
re-election campaign's credit card. Also one of them said his son
had "a warped head" due to an incident with a baseball cap.
> Then there was a flashback so we could see what Kibo did to the
> previous mayor. You see, Kibo was hired to perform as a comedy
> magician at some sort of charity event where the mayor was the guest
> of honor. Kibo used the mayor as the volunteer for various tricks,
> winning the mayor's confidence with tricked gadgets like one of those
> "finger chopper" things where the blade is pulled down and cuts a
> bunch of things but leaves the victim's fingers unscathed. So now
> that the mayor was convinced that everything Kibo was doing was a
> harmless trick, Kibo started telling the audience about how the mayor
> was a martial-arts expert and not only could he break boards with his
> head, he could even break thick metal wrenches with his head! Kibo
> set up a couple of vises to hold the wrench horizontally from both
> ends and told the mayor to impress everybody by breaking the wrench
> with his head. The mayor, thinking it was a tricked wrench because
> Kibo had deviously gained his confidence, compliantly bashed his head
> against the wrench and injured himself horribly. This was what Kibo
> had been planning all along.
Devious. Fiendish. It's one of those "This is so obviously dangerous
that it _must_ be a trick and not just me smashing my head against a
giant crescent wrench for no reason" tricks that is a different sort
of trick altogether.
That was before I got a concussion of my own and vowed to never do
this sort of thing to the mayor again, unless it's Mayor McCheese,
in which case I'm going to bean him with my spot-welder.
> Thus, Kibo was required by court order to bring a bunch of money in
> cash paper bills whenever he went to a neighborhood where the current
> or former mayor was. The dream flashed back forward to the present
> and we saw that Kibo had brought a large empty guitar case with him
> and he tossed his bound stacks of $100 bills into the open guitar case
> on the floor so the money would be readily visible if any officers of
> the court came by to make sure Kibo was complying with the court
> order.
Don't stop there! What happened next? I demand you take a nap right
_now_ and finish this dream!
And where the hell did I get this money? Tell me so I can go get more!
Do it or I'll make you taste a croissant of steel!
-- K.
I have been meaning to
practice breaking boards
with my hands. No, really.
It's not like it's hard
or anything, it's just
physics, like pinball.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: beetle
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:01:02 -0400
Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
>
> there is a beetle on my desk
>
> I have the power to crush him any time I want.
>
> Right now he's getting to live because I'm not deciding to do that.
I order you to crush him.
-- K.
I win!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: David Hasselhoff, RIP. Or DUI. I forget which acronym is funnier.
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:25:50 -0400
[from msnbc.msn.com -- note: not the Knight-Ridder News Service]
->
-> Hasselhoff arrested on suspicion of DUI
->
-> Ex-'Baywatch' star underwent alcoholism treatment in '02
->
-> Updated: 10:23 a.m. ET June 07, 2004
->
-> LOS ANGELES - David Hasselhoff was arrested over the weekend on
-> suspicion on driving while intoxicated, police said Monday.
Anyone who's ever watched TV knows that David Hasselhoff _never_ drives.
His shiny black life partner drives him around while he just sits back
and sculpts his hair into exciting new Jell-O mold shapes.
-> The former "Baywatch" star was arrested late Saturday night on
-> Ventura Boulevard in the Encino section of the San Fernando Valley,
-> said Officer Sara Faden, a police spokeswoman. He was released
-> the next morning.
...when his car smashed through the wall of the jail cell and killed
eighty-seven people in order to spring him so he could go hunt down
the real drunk driver -- his evil twin brother he never knew he had.
David Hasselhoff shall once again prove that all life's problems
can be solved by pushing the "Turbo Boost" button twice an episode.
FWOOOOOOOM! FWOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
-> No further details were immediately available.
->
-> In 2002, Hasselhoff checked himself into the Betty Ford Center
-> for treatment of alcoholism.
->
-> The 51-year-old actor is best known for portraying lifeguard
-> Mitch Buchannon in the long-running "Baywatch" TV series. He also
-> starred in the 1980s television show "Knight Rider."
Let's not forget him as the guy who usurps Marjoe Gortner's role
halfway through "StarCrash".
-- K.
And what about "David Hasselhoff
Presents The Most Beautiful
Girl In The World"? I remember
that special. Or at least I
remember that it had a title.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Lousy mood today
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 14:51:47 -0400
I'm in a lousy mood.
I want to pull the wings off people.
Someone post something to cheer me up. Do something funny.
Dig up Margaret Dumont so you can hit her with a pie or something.
Rhubarb makes a good throwin' pie, especially in the hands of a chimp
on a tricycle. Or just figure out a way that a chimp can give a robot
a wedgie.
-- K.
How about a robot made
out of pies hurling himself
at Margaret Dumont? The robot
could be built by the chimp.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Lousy mood today
Date: Mon, 07 Jun 2004 22:10:27 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Someone post something to cheer me up.
>
> Maybe all the whining and lamenting and gnashing of the teeth about
> how some senile old coot finally kicked off is getting you down. I know
> it's getting me down. We found out today that Friday is Happy Reagan Is
> Dead Day or something, and so all the banks will be closed. But it's
> also payday, and our checks HAVE to be automatically deposited. How can
> they be deposited if the banks are closed?
> So we may not get paid Friday. It's just typical, to have a president
> who fucked us over for 8 years, die and fuck us over one last time.
> Thanks, Ronnie.
Don't blame me. At the time he bit the big one, I was doing a completely
non-Reagan-related activity -- dyeing my hair an unnatural shade of red.
This just in, Chevy Chase says I have cancer of the hair. Also,
Francisco Franco is still dead.
> > Do something funny.
>
> No. YOU do something funny.
Who do I look like, George Coe?
> Today is Mike Farrell is Dreamy Day. Better?
"Saturday Night Live" hasn't been the same since all 87 of the funny
cast members died and were tragically survived by 3729 unfunny ones.
-- K.
I wish they'd bring
back "Fridays" now that
Andy Kaufman is undead.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Lousy mood today
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:39:21 -0400
Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Who do I look like, George Coe?
>
> Based on your report on recent activities, I would guess you look like
> Bozo the Clown. Or is it Richie Cunningham? Just which unnatural
> shade of red did you dye your hair?
Ayyyyy, sit on it.
At the moment it's schoolbus yellow -- fluorescent yellow with a tint
of orange -- with a fluorescent red beard (not orange, I mean red, like
the coils in a toaster.) I don't think I can get away with bleaching
it again until after the next time I shave my head -- after the last
bleach cycle, the hair strands have started breaking in the middle
where they've been exposed to five or six bleachings -- so when the
yellow-orange color fades, I may go for a maroon or other re-dyeing
that won't require any bleaching.
I had planned to do some blues next, but that would require at least
two full bleachings first, so I'll just go from yellow to maroon, then
eventually shave my head and let it grow out a bit before I try blue.
Sadly, to restock my supply of weird colors of Manic Panic dye, I had
to get a frequent-buyer card at Sally Beauty Supply. I am now a
card-carrying Beauty Supply user. Bleah. Well, at least they didn't
give me a special card that says "Ugly Supply".
> > "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been the same since all 87 of the funny
> > cast members died and were tragically survived by 3729 unfunny ones.
>
> You skinny guys always think it's so damn funny to make fat jokes now,
> don't you? John Belushi is spinning in his grave. Spinning samurai
> swords around your head, that is.
I'm surprised there's room for him to roll over in his grave. I mean,
his corpse is faaaaaaat. But remember he, and Chris Farley aren't the
only dead "Saturday Night Live" cast members. Terry Sweeney was really
skinny (because he was gay) as was Danitra Vance (because she had cancer.)
Phil Hartman had a good physique. Garret Morris is super-skinny (because
he's had drugs), and sort of counts because he was once falsely reported
as having been killed. And Larraine Newman can't be long for this world
because she had anorexia -- performing on TV while that much underweight
must certainly shorten your lifespan, even if it's a good show.
And then there's George Coe, who was an official member of the
"Not Ready For Prime Time Players" for three episodes, but they
booted him off the show because he was too old, so he had to take
a job running Network 23 instead (on a show where the villain was
played by fellow "Saturday Night Live" reject Charlie Rocket.)
IMDB doesn't say Mr. Coe is dead, but also, they don't say he was
ever born (he's one of the few actors who has no age listed) so
we'll also put him in the "maybe" category although I don't know
whether the old fellow would count as skinny or faaaaaaaaat these days.
(In my opinion, firing George Coe was one of Lorne Michaels's
biggest mistakes.)
Oh, and should John Belushi want to tap-dance his way out of that
grave to menace me with his Toshiro Mifune sword, he ought to be
warned that although I don't have any samurai swords, I have some
_big_ swords. Buck Henry wouldn't have survived had _I_ been the
one to hit him in the face with a sword on live TV. So if Mr. Belushi
came at me with his wimpy little sword, I'd kill him faster than
a coked-up Robin Williams with a hypo full of speed.
-- K.
Also, I'd change the title
of the show to "Saturday
Night KILL KILL KILL!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Boston subway fascism increases
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 07:01:18 -0400
Hey, look! Apparently just requiring photo IDs to ride the Boston subway
wasn't enough to stop all the terrorism in the world! Now they want to
see not just your ID, but also everything else you're carrying!
[from the Boston Globe, via www.boston.com]
->
-> T to check packages, bags at random
->
-> By Raphael Lewis, Globe Staff | June 8, 2004
->
-> Next month, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority will
-> become the first transit agency in the nation to institute a
-> permanent policy of randomly inspecting passenger bags and
-> packages on subway and commuter trains, MBTA police officials
-> disclosed yesterday.
Permanent, eh? As in it's been determined in advance that this new
stupidity is going to last forever, no matter how obnoxious and pointless
the policy is, eh? I predict this will be one of the shortest "permanent"s
on record, somewhere between New Coke and Spock being dead.
-> The stop-and-search procedure, largely prompted by the March 11
-> train bombings that killed 191 people in Spain, will involve
-> explosive-sniffing dogs and all 247 uniformed MBTA police
-> officers, and is set to be in place for July's Democratic National
-> Convention, MBTA T Police Chief Joseph Cartercq told the Globe.
Oh no! MBTA Police Chief Carter has been genetically fused with
Roman Coppola's movie "CQ"! And now he's fighting black-trenchcoated
terrorists during a snowstorm on the Moon!
-> "I have no trepidation about being first," Carter said. "I don't
-> want to be the first to do an interview about having a serious
-> incident that may have some terrorist indications to it. I want
-> to be in a position to prevent and detect and apprehend someone
-> prior to them causing damage. We want to do this to encourage
-> people to feel safe on the MBTA, to utilize public transportation."
"And if the riders still don't feel safe, we'll begin beating them
with billy clubs until they tell us they feel really, really safe and
love planning to go to the subway station two hours early in order to
go through a security check and strip-search before the three-block ride."
-> The policy comes was made public only weeks after the MBTA
-> announced a controversial decision to begin requesting
-> identification from T passengers police perceive as acting
-> "suspiciously."
I haven't yet actually seen the police accosting any of the
suspicious characters I see every day on the subway, even the
ones who constantly yell death threats at their invisible friends.
I've been watching to see if the police go after these people,
because I want to find out what sort of photo IDs the crazy
homeless people are expected to show, and whether their invisible
friends are expected to also have photo ID.
-> [...]
->
-> But the MBTA policy would be far more ambitious -- and in the
-> eyes of civil libertarians, far more invasive -- as police
-> conduct random inspections of bags and briefcases that are not
-> tied to suspicious behavior.
Oh, that's why I haven't been bothered yet. They're only inspecting
the briefcases of people who _aren't_ suspicious.
-> The policy is being developed in coordination with the TSA and
-> with several other transit agencies in the United States and abroad,
-> Carter said. It is not yet fully developed, he added.
I'd say you need to pick up that Polaroid and shake it for another
several hours, bub.
-> MBTA Deputy Police Chief John Martino, who is overseeing the
-> development and implementation of the policy, said police, some
-> accompanied by explosive-sniffing dogs, will randomly pick out
-> riders for inspection throughout the transit system daily.
Randomly, eh? What if there are 21 people on the train and the police
are only equipped with 20-sided dice? In that case, will "random" mean
the person with the darkest skin, or the person with the brightest hair dye?
-> If the dogs are present -- there are only four used by the force
-> currently -- riders would not have to open their bags, but make
-> them available for the dogs to sniff, Martino said.
And what if I pointed out the signs plainly stating that no dogs are
allowed on the subway except seeing-eye dogs? Will the cops be
"randomly" selecting passengers by reaching out and groping in
random directions because only blind cops will be employed?
-> If no dogs are present, "a brief opening and a quick look in will
-> usually be enough to judge if there's any cause for alarm,"
-> Martino said. "Wherever possible, we would use an explosive-detection
-> canine that would just sniff -- no requirement to open them at all
-> in that case."
That's right, if no dogs are present, canines will be used instead.
Mostly wolves and hyaenas.
-> Martino said, however, that the number of inspections would
-> increase dramatically during the convention at the end of July,
-> just as thousands of commuters who normally drive to work will
-> cram onto subways and commuter rail trains because of extensive
-> road and highway closures. He also said riders can expect the
-> number of inspections to increase whenever the US Homeland
-> Security Department changes the color-coded threat advisory to
-> orange or red, the highest levels.
Mental note: Stick to the Green Line and Blue Line, never ride the
Orange Line or Red Line.
-> Martino would not specify how many bag inspections will be
-> conducted, either during the convention or at times when the
-> threat level is not elevated.
->
-> Carol Rose, executive director of the American Civil Liberties
-> Union of Massachusetts, said she understands the need to increase
-> vigilance on the region's rail and bus systems, but contended
-> that the system being devised by the MBTA is deeply flawed and
-> may violate the US Constitution's ban on unreasonable search and
-> seizure.
"May"? "MAY"? Do I need to invent a time machine just so I can go back
and make all those guys in powdered wigs write "THAT MEANS NO RANDOM
SEARCHES, PEABRAINS!" after the Fourth Amendment? Do we need to have
the Fourth Amendment -- which is a single _sentence_ -- reduced to
"Thou shalt obtain a warrant before going through my stuff!"? Would that
be clear enough, or do I need to have it translated into Ikea pictograms?
-> "The Fourth Amendment doesn't stop at your wrist when you carry a
-> briefcase; it includes your bag," Rose said. "It either has to be
-> truly random, or it has to have a root in a reasonable basis of
-> suspicion."
->
-> "What does random mean? How do you ensure that is random?" Rose
-> continued. "That means no discretion at all."
Discretion is a must -- I'm sure the transit cops could be discreet
and do the searches and beatings behind closed doors instead of out
in the open.
I wouldn't mind some cops taking me into the back room for a discreet
strip-search and pat-down, provided it ended with a full release.
-> Rose dismissed comparisons of the T's policy to baggage checks at
-> the nation's airports and called the move excessive.
->
-> "It's not imaginable to stop everybody getting on trains for
-> their morning commute, and let's face it, a train doesn't have
-> the same mass killing potential that a hijacked airplane does.
-> You can't drive a train into a skyscraper."
No, but you can invite a power-mad transit police chief to meet you
at a local pub, then follow him as he walks towards it, and then
you'll see a jerk turn into a bar.
-> T riders told by a reporter about the bag inspection policy
-> yesterday reacted with a mixture of terrorism-weary resignation,
-> annoyance, and in some cases, skepticism that police officers
-> were capable of carrying out a truly random search system.
I doubt that transit police are capable of carrying out a trash bag full
of crumpled-up Egg McMuffin wrappers, let alone anything more substantial.
-> [...]
->
-> Carter, who confirmed that the agency was developing the plans,
-> said T officials have not announced the policy because he
was too busy doing newspaper interviews about how he's not announcing
the policy he's telling the press about.
Sheesh, these guys don't even know how to cover up stuff, much less
carry it out.
-> and other police officials are still working out the details on how
-> to balance security and privacy concerns.
"Let's compromise! We'll follow the Constitution half the time!
Then _everyone_ will be happy!"
-> "Everything we do here is to protect and uphold and defend the
-> constitutional rights of everyone, particuarly our patrons on the
-> system," Carter said. "That is one of the reasons why the policy
-> is not something that is just sitting there, ready for us to
-> publish tomorrow morning. . . . How do we do this to make sure
-> constitutional rights are in place? We don't want to abridge
-> those rights, but in this era, we need the highest degree of
-> security."
->
-> Carter said he is determined to have the baggage inspection
-> procedure in place for the Democratic convention, which has been
-> deemed a special "national security" event by the US Secret Service.
That's why it's being held at the local hockey rink. Those big panes of
glass will protect the delegates in case someone slaps a puck at them.
-> "We're on a very tight clock here; we're working feverishly to
-> come to a finalized policy," Carter said. "We will meet with
-> various groups, particularly the leading civil rights groups
-> about this, but we will not be deterred in ensuring we have the
-> highest level of security for the convention."
->
-> Carter and his deputies said the cost of the new program would be
-> minimal because the force, including canine units, is already
-> patrolling stations.
And yet for some reason security is still so shitty that they now also
have to start looking inside purses.
-> Last month, T police announced that the entire force has been
-> receiving counterterrorism training that includes spotting
-> suspicious behavior. The ACLU and riders groups, fearful that the
-> policy could lead to random ID checks, have contended that the
-> stops represent an unwarranted intrusion. But T officials insist
-> that the "behavior pattern recognition" training that all
-> officers are receiving is geared toward security, and not to
-> pestering riders.
"Pestering" is when someone at the mall asks you to sign a clipboard
about which detergent looks whiter to you. That's not quite the same as
when someone with a gun and a dog tells you you can't ride the subway because
you look funny and don't want anyone rifling through your grocery bags.
-> Martino said the T Police Department is seeking to double the
-> size of the dog unit to spread the baggage inspections across the
-> vast transit system.
Poor Spot! He tried to double the size of his dog unit, but for some
reason the spammers never E-mailed him the "V1AG0RA" he ordered.
-> For now, however, Deputy T Police Chief Thomas McCarthy, who
-> oversees intelligence operations, expressed confidence that the
-> heightened presence of police officers will send a message that
-> the MBTA is not a good place for terrorists to attack.
Well, _duh_. It's not even a good place to _ride_ these days.
-- K.
Why can't the transit cops find
something more useful to do, like
forming cordons around gay marriage
ceremonies to keep straights from
having to see men kissing?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 20:00:30 -0400
Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote:
>
> At least the security initiatives on the (T) consist of actual effort.
>
> Here on the PATH, the new system consists of holding the train at the
> station for an extra 20 seconds periodically, while two transit cops
> walk down the length of the train looking for anyone who's busy
> terroristing, while the other five transit cops talk to each other
> about other stuff.
>
> DO YOU FEEL SAFER YET?
>
> DO YOU FEEL LATER YET? HOW MUCH? ABOUT 20 SECONDS' WORTH?
Does anyone else get the feeling that if the terrorists thought of
buying a few used police jackets at the surplus store, they could
not only move unmolested throughout the trains, but also slightly delay
a bunch of commuters before blowing up whatever they want to blow up?
-- K.
Alternatively, they could
just disguise themselves as
bomb-sniffing dogs. Fred
MacMurray used to capture
lots of crooks that way.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:49:28 -0400
Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Does anyone else get the feeling that if the terrorists thought of
> > buying a few used police jackets at the surplus store, they could
> > not only move unmolested throughout the trains, but also slightly delay
> > a bunch of commuters before blowing up whatever they want to blow up?
>
> Great. Now they are going to arrest you for giving terrorists ideas.
Hey, our benevolent Government understands that any assistance I may
have ever given terrorists has been purely accidental, such as the
dozens or so times I pressed the "20" button in the elevator as a matter
of common courtesy to the Al-Qaeda germ warfare psycopath in my building
because I didn't know who she was and therefore didn't get to live out
my dream of being given the Congressional Medal Of Freedom for justifiably
disembowling someone in an elevator.
But in any case, just to prove that terrorists don't listen to me:
DEAR TERRORISTS, PLEASE KILL LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY.
There. If you're not dead tomorrow, it'll prove I'm not giving the
terrorists any ideas.
-- K.
Now we wait.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Boston subway fascism increases
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 16:06:26 -0400
Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
> >
> > DEAR TERRORISTS, PLEASE KILL LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY.
>
> You are a meaniebuttock
I am? Yay, I win! (If I don't win, the terrorists will win!)
My butt just won't quit... being mean to Lots42.
Oh, and by the way, now that I've quoted myself saying "PLEASE KILL
LOTS42 IMMEDIATELY", this means that the terrorists have to kill you
a second time. And a third, if you count the two citations in this
one article as separate fatwahs. Please remind me, what are the rules
for who I can have killed when?
-- K.
My butt kills.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: owie
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 14:12:49 -0400
TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
>
> owie owie.
Aww, did you get a boo-boo, an ouchie, or a hurt-o? I need to know
which so I can fill out the paperwork. Your Permanent Record needs to
be kept up-to-date because they'll look at it when you get drafted.
(I don't care if you do live in Australia, do you really think that
President Bush is going to draft any Americans before he drafts
the more expendable people who live in countries he doesn't?)
> I just want to say, the chilli is meant to sting the back of your
> throat, not the back of your hand after you start doing the
> dishes. Seems the hot water combined with the water with chilli
> residue, combined with my old RSI site doesn't mix too well.
Have you tried putting powdered lye on it? Also, always wash your
dishes with the special pink soap. It's full of soylenty sudsiness.
> Plesae to be getting hawt female chixor to kiss my hand
> better. Thanking you!
Sorry, only Gomez Addams is available. And it's not just French
that drives him wild -- nerdspeak does too.
> (Also: I went to an all girls school today to watch the transit of
> Venus -- we have a partnership with a rich upper class private school --
> Now, if only they were 10 years older. Also: bonus to be teacher and/or
> guide, so we get to look through the telescope first, and then let
> the plebs look later)
"Sorry, kids, there's nothing for you to see, because Venus just burned up.
I'm so glad I saw it. Now help me put the telescope away, we won't need
it ever again unless the astronauts rebuild the planet Venus just so _you_
can see it fall into the Sun for the second time, which they won't do
because I already got to see it. Now go to math class, it's time for you
to compute all the digits of pi. But first, kiss my hot hand."
-- K.
Great new "reality" TV show
idea: "Plebs, Celebs, and Blebs."
We'd mix some ordinary people
and movie stars together then
give them all chromosomal damage
and make them play wacky party
games while their DNA is unraveling.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bruised right heel
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 14:15:38 -0400
HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > Two weeks ago, I bruised my heel.
>
> What did I tell you about using pointy mice?
He didn't say he punctured it, he said he bruised it. I think maybe he
was using mice that hit back. Eb, did the mouse have a baseball bat?
And if so, was it a cute tiny baseball bat or a full-size one?
It's okay, it won't make you any less of a man to admit you got beat
up by a mouse.
-- K.
Unless it was Mickey, in which
case, HA HA YOU GOT BEAT UP BY
A MOUSE WITH POOR FASHION SENSE.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bruised right heel
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 18:36:28 -0400
Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Two weeks ago, I bruised my heel. [...] I'm still grooving on the
> novelty and convenience of a feature-laden right foot. But the foot
> doesn't just feel okay. Okay is how my left foot feels. My right foot
> is happier than a foot should be able to be.
Some days I feel like that all over.
> If this was a CBS Afternoon Special, I would now permanently learn
> to appreciate the true value of life and health, but that never
> happened any of the other times I injured myself and it won't happen
> this time either.
The true value of your life and health and your sore foot is that
this combination -- life, health, and a tolerable soreness -- certifies
you as _not_ having been tortured:
[from www.washingtonpost.com]
->
-> [...]
->
-> In the Justice Department's view -- contained in a 50-page
-> document signed by Assistant Attorney General Jay S. Bybee and
-> obtained by The Washington Post -- inflicting moderate or
-> fleeting pain does not necessarily constitute torture. Torture,
-> the memo says, "must be equivalent in intensity to the pain
-> accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure,
-> impairment of bodily function, or even death."
So you see, it's not torture unless it's as bad as death, or worse.
And if it's "fleeting" -- that is, if at some point it stops hurting --
it's not torture.
And that's why your foot is happy. It means that whatever happened
to it wasn't torture, and was therefore legal for those soldiers to
do to you.
That's what you get for setting foot in Iraq. Good thing you didn't
try moonwalking into the country butt-first or you might have gotten
your ass whipped.
-- K.
Now we know why they're plugging
the prisoners into wall sockets --
Alternating current isn't torture
because it's just "fleeting pain",
once every sixtieth of a second.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: If you're fat, it's because some gay people got married.
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 14:55:08 -0400
[from www.365gay.com:]
->
-> Gays Rights 'Leads To Obesity'
-> by Peter Moore
-> 365Gay.com Newscenter
-> London Bureau
->
-> Posted: May 28, 2004 12:01 am. ET
->
-> (London) A high ranking Conservative member of the House of Lords
-> says that the push for civil rights by gays is leading to a
-> nation of obese people.
This is supported by the hard scientific evidence of that movie where
that guy ate at McDonalds over and over until he turned gay.
-> [...]
->
-> He suggested Labor's ''promotion of buggery'' was ''intimately
-> connected'' to the increasing number of overweight people.
->
-> ''Families now so seldom eat together. They don't prepare meals
-> properly. Wives are pressurized into thinking they ought to go
-> out to work instead of looking after their children. And it is
-> the breakdown of family that is at the root of it.''
->
-> The government, he charged, was doing nothing about this but it
-> was busy promoting gay marriage.
Um, dude, haven't you heard the stereotype? If all men turned gay and
paired off, they'd spend _all_ their time cooking for each other.
Also, all gay men are really skinny.
-> [...]
->
-> British gay rights group Stonewall called from Tebbit to be
-> removed from any position of authority in the party. [...]
-> "It's incredible that Lord Tebbit manages to shoehorn his extreme
-> prejudices against gay people into a discussion on child obesity.
THOSE STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CRAM THEIR AGENDA INTO OUR
FASHIONABLE SHOES!!!
-- K.
Suddenly I'm really hungry.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: If you're fat, it's because some gay people got married.
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:38:46 -0400
Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > -> (London) A high ranking Conservative member of the House of Lords
> > -> says that the push for civil rights by gays is leading to a
> > -> nation of obese people.
> >
> > This is supported by the hard scientific evidence of that movie where
> > that guy ate at McDonalds over and over until he turned gay.
>
> So, umm, what happens to you if you eat White Castles over and over?
> I just need to know for, uhh, a sociology experiment.
I've done the experiment already, because I am so smart.
If you eat at McDonalds, you turn gay in the happy-painted-clown way,
complete with yellow vinyl overalls with jodhpur-style thighs.
If you eat at White Castle, you discover leather. Eating at McDonalds
will make you "clown gay", but eating at White Castle will run you up
the leather flagpole, and you better believe people will salute.
For further proof, I just did these two Google searches:
"White Castle" "Tom of Finland"
"White Castles" "Tom of Finland"
...and the existence of six results found in point seven seven seconds
means that not only is my theory proved, I had point two three seconds to
spare within my goal of winning, on average, one Nobel Prize every second.
These searches will turn up additional proof of my important theory:
"White Castle" "leatherman"
"White Castles" "leathermen"
However, just to check the results, I also did these two searches for
the opposite of my theory:
"White Castle" "will not pervert you"
"White Castles" "will not pervert you"
...and got _no_ results, thus double-proving my double-awesome theory and
entitling me to a Double Nobel Prize With None Of That Runny Ketchup.
Of course, some scientists would do their research by less rigorous
means. For instance, some would use Ask Jeeves (www.ask.com) and
type in the question, "Will eating at White Castle turn you into a
Tom of Finland stereotype?" But that's not worth doing, because
Jeeves isn't very objective about gay matters -- he's famous for the
way he used to get pretty touchy when it comes to questions about just
how gay he is, and why he's so incredibly gay, and which fast food
restaurant made him that way. Fortunately he's gotten a little
more comfortable, though he still won't own up:
http://sp.ask.com/docs/about/isjeevesgay.html
"Actually, I prefer the term jovial."
So, that gives us another data point. A certain fast-food restaurant
makes people gay in a "jovial" way. And by the way, the stereotype of
a prissy butler named "Jeeves" is of course from the P.G. Wodehouse novels,
which were adapted into a popular series of films in the 1930's.
The actor who made the comic characterization of the super-effete Jeeves
famous was... Arthur Treacher.
And NOW you know the REST of the STORY about GAY FRIED FISH!!!
-- K.
I won't mention Long John Silver's.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: If you're fat, it's because some gay people got married.
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 16:29:47 -0400
John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
> >
> > Also, all gay men are really skinny.
>
> OK, so if I turn gay, which is going to happen first, I get
> skinny, or I turn into a woman?
Because all gay men are skinny, when there are more gay men,
straight men become fatter -- it's that "conservation of mass"
thing proved by Gay Einstein, who was like Regular Einstein except
for the eight pounds of "product" in his Glamour Don't. Their
ameboid hairdos are the same shape, it's just that one is rigidly
windproofed to maintain asymmetry even during Atomic Bowling.
> I need to know to avoid wasting money buying a bike.
Why, are girl bikes really that much cheaper than boy bikes?
Anyway, if you want to be gay, we can put you on the treadmill.
There are other things that could be done, too. Science has
proved that male/female sex burns 51 calories but male/male sex
burns 52 calories, therefore after every 704 gay sex acts
you'll lose one extra Big Mac.
-- K.
Better get started
so you can earn your
Big Mac for the month.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: If you're fat, it's because some gay people got married.
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 16:02:19 -0400
Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Because all gay men are skinny, when there are more gay men,
> > straight men become fatter -- it's that "conservation of mass"
> > thing proved by Gay Einstein, who was like Regular Einstein except
> > for the eight pounds of "product" in his Glamour Don't. Their
> > ameboid hairdos are the same shape, it's just that one is rigidly
> > windproofed to maintain asymmetry even during Atomic Bowling.
>
> Gay men are skinny? Paging Bruce Villanche, Louie Anderson and
> Harvey Fierstein! You're not gay, so cut out the act!
I didn't know Louie Anderson was gay. I thought he was just fat.
I notice Scott Thompson (the funny one, not the prop one) seems to
be getting a little puffy lately, so you could substitute him for
Louie Anderson because I'm pretty sure Scott Thompson might be at
least as gay as Dave Foley.
And I certainly don't mind you telling Bruce Villanch to cut out
his act. I mean, he wasn't funny even when he was writing for
"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour", let alone when he was Replacement
Paul Lynde on "The Hollywood Squares". But Scott Thompson and
Harvey Fierstein should keep their acts up, because Scott Thompson
is funny, and Harvey Fierstein proves that there's hope for people
with weird voices.
-- K.
Some nights I talk like that,
but it usually wears off
the next morning.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Kibological Camping Eats
Date: Tue, 08 Jun 2004 20:05:40 -0400
Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote:
>
> I just found a recipe on Tribe.net that just screamed out to me to be
> posted on ARK:
>
> Twinkie Weiner Sandwiches
Finally, something new for Ted on "Queer Eye" to teach the straights
instead of doing creme brulee again.
> 1 twinkie
> 1 hot dog; cooked
> canned cheese spray
>
> 1. Take one Twinkie and cut lengthwise almost all the way through.
> 2. Insert one cooked hot dog (I used a turkey dog).
> 3. Spray with canned cheese.
> 4. Enjoy!
Sounds good, except for the presence of any sort of cheez, and the
way the other two ingredients are touching each other.
-- K.
And shouldn't canned chili be involved?
This is one of those recipies that _needs_
a can of Hormel chili poured over it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Diaper Rash Cream Maker Treating Folks At Both Ends
Date: Wed, 09 Jun 2004 16:20:59 -0400
[from ncbuy.com]
->
-> Diaper Rash Cream Maker Treating Folks At Both Ends
EWWWWWWW! Your kink is not okay, diaperface!
-> CLEVELAND (Wireless Flash) -- A diaper rash cream maker has found
-> a new itch to scratch in the senior citizens' market.
->
-> Emjay Labs, which manufactures the 77-year-old brand diaper rash
-> cream Pinxav, is catching up with some old friends since the company
-> began marketing to seniors who suffer from adult diaper rash.
->
-> [...]
->
-> But the salve isn't just for the beginning and end of life.
-> Steiner says runners, bike cops and surfers have been using it
-> for years because it prevents chafing and acts like a second skin.
Um. Tell you what. Go into any motorcycle club's hangout with a
tube of diaper rash ointment and ask, "Which prevents chafing and acts
like a second skin, black leather or this baby-ass lotion for baby's ass?"
Let me know which answers you get and also please post video of
what happens from several angles so we can see every tooth go flying.
-- K.
Someone's gonna have
to be hospitalized for
pool cue ingestion.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Diaper Rash Cream Maker Treating Folks At Both Ends
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 14:06:04 -0400
Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [...]
>
> Wait -- you just did a diaper post without ONCE mentioning "diaper
> gravy?" What does this portend for the new "Baby Geniuses" movie --
> an Academy Award?
First off, I don't even own a diaper post. That kink is not okay.
I did post an article concerning diapers, and that's different
because it was _other_ people's diapers, none of which were
bolted to any sort of steel post embedded in concrete.
Second, I have the feeling that "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies"
was "vaulted" three years ago, possibly permanently entombed
in the same vault which contains Jerry Lewis's "The Day The Clown
Cried" and Stanley Kubrick's all-gunge-and-diaper-post ending
for "Dr. Strangelove". My suspicion is that they completed their
principal photography (in Vancouver, with Jon Voight, Scott Baio,
a second Jon Voight, Whoopi Goldberg, and the _other_ Erik Estrada)
but couldn't scrape together the money to put the animated cartoon
lips on the dancing babies, and as we all know from the "Look Who's
Talking" movies, nobody can enjoy yet another movie featuring
talking babies with realistic, non-moving lips.
IMDB has changed the release date for the sequel repeatedly (and
now I see that the subtitle has changed to "Return of the Superbabies".)
Used to be a 2001 movie, then a 2002 movie, then 2003, and now 2004.
Now scheduled for release on August 6 (even has a "PG" rating, which
shows it must have been completed enough to submit to the ratings board)
but I won't believe it until I refuse to go see it.
I mean, two Jon Voights. Ecch. I'd rather see him make some
more "Fearless Frank" movies than watch two of him getting kicked
in the crotch by toddlers with midgets' legs attached.
-- K.
P.S. DIAPER GRAVY!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: No verbs please, we're French
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 00:52:59 -0400
Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote:
>
> In http://www.brunei-online.com/bb/fri/jun4w28.htm
> "The Guardian" wrote:
> ->
> -> A mysterious French author has produced what he claims is the first
> -> book written without a single verb.
>
> Good for him!
>
> -> Michel Thaler's 233-page work, Le Train de Nulle Part (The Train
> -> from Nowhere), contains lengthy passages of flowery prose but not
> -> a lot of action.
>
> You'd expect that, what with no verbs. Somebody should write the
> most action-packed book ever, which is ALL VERBS!
My response to Ayn Rand yesterday can count as all nouns or all verbs
depending on how you read "Fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart!"
> -> The author, a 60-year-old doctor of literature who admits Thaler is
> -> a pseudonym but refuses to give his real name, held a bizarre
> -> ceremony to bury the verb, which, he says, is an "invader, dictator
> -> and usurper of our literature".
>
> Verbs are WORSE than ALFRED HITLER!
Hey, Beable, you said "are". STOP HITLING!!!
> -> Thaler, who hopes his book will be translated into English, says he
> -> loves words - just not verbs.
>
> I love food! Except for the kind you eat!
>
> -> "The verb is like a weed in a field of flowers. You have to get rid
> ^^ ^^^^^^^^^^
>
> -> of it to allow the flowers to grow and flourish," he said. "Take
> ^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^
>
> -> away the verbs and the language speaks for itself."
> ^^^^^^
>
> D00T! D00T! VERBS DETECTED! CHUCK MICHEL THALER IN GAOL! FOR NOT
> ALLOWING THE FLOWERS TO GROW AND FLOURISH! IMPRISON HIM FOR NOT
> LETTING THE LANGUAGE SPEAK FOR ITSELF!
Don't just imprison him -- gag him. That way we can tease him by
insisting that when he says "Mmmm mmmm mm, mmmm mmmm!" the fourth
one's a verb. Also, we could make a rule that he gets punished
every time he says the letter "m".
-- K.
We could call that new
language "mmmmm-prime",
but then Hanson would
write a song about it,
ruining it for everyone.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Hyperventilating = Good Curry?
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 02:34:49 -0400
Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote:
>
> I went to dinner before the Producers on Friday with a friend and his
> boyfriend and he said how he likes really hot curries,
Wait, that was _you_ we had the threesome with? Eww! Excuse me,
I must go take a Silkwood shower. Where's my freakin' pumice?
> hot enough that he sometimes ends up hyperventilating and having to go
> to the toilet to stick his head in the sink under a tap.
Does he also speak in tongues? Or is my Stage Three different from
his Stage Three? (Mine begins with glossolalia and ends with aphasia,
but mere food has never gotten me to the aphasia stage, let alone
to Stage Four.)
> Does anyone know of any super hot & spicy ingredients that I could
> recomend to him for home cooking? (He is also a chef)
Like I've said before, it's not how hot the hot sauce is, it's how
much of it you use. There are hot sauces out there that will nuke
your tongue with a single drop, but I prefer to just use a large
quantity of something which would be just barely too hot to handle
in its pure form and slightly dilute it by adding food to it.
If he likes red curries, he's probably into powdered hot pepper, which
you can buy in giant bags at your local Indian grocery store. You can
also get canned curry sauces or tubs of concentrated curry paste
in the Thai section of your local Asian grocery store -- Thai curries
tend to contain some coconut milk for sweetness, but they're available
in red, yellow, green, etc. which are all good, though he may want to
add a little extra hot pepper depending on which brand you get (some
brands of curry paste are incredibly hot, some aren't, you never know.)
For cooking from scratch, he probably already knows all about the
different fresh hot peppers one can buy (habaneros, Scotch bonnet,
piquin, etc.) Never use canned or pickled peppers, though dried
ones are good for some things. (Exception: Canned green chiles --
which aren't spicy at all -- are good in stews and rice and other
places where you want to add a little flavor and don't mind the
chiles being soft and damp.)
-- K.
How could he be a chef and
still need you to tell him
what "super hot & spicy
ingredients" are? Has he
never been down the kinky
part of the produce aisle?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Torture, or as I pronounce it, "Tor-cha!" in the news
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 02:55:39 -0400
Evildoers, beware!
[www.reuters.com]
->
-> Memo Says Bush Not Restricted by Torture Bans
-> Tue Jun 8, 2004 06:49 PM ET
->
-> By Will Dunham
->
-> WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush, as commander-in-chief, is
-> not restricted by U.S. and international laws barring torture,
-> Bush administration lawyers stated in a March 2003 memorandum.
See, when Michael Moore claimed Bush was on vacation 40% of the time,
that was just what Bush wanted him to think -- during all those months,
he was actually visiting third-world prisons to personally torture all
the bad people on the planet. He's the only one who can do this.
The man has a license to torture.
-> [...]
->
-> "It's like saying the Earth is flat. That's the equivalent of
-> what they're doing with saying that the prohibition of torture
-> doesn't apply to the president," said Michael Ratner, president
-> of the Center for Constitutional Rights.
Actually, it's not like saying the Earth is flat -- it's more like
saying that two and two make five.
In other news, two and two make five. Eurasia is at war with Eastasia,
Eurasia has always been at war with Eastasia. You love Big Kibo.
-> [...]
->
-> The memo labeled as unconstitutional any laws "that seek to
-> prevent the president from gaining the intelligence he believes
-> necessary to prevent attacks upon the United States."
Yeah, that stuff about "cruel and unusual" is so unconstitutional.
-> The memo offered numerous explanations for why U.S. officials and
-> military personnel were immune from bans on torture under U.S.
-> and international law. [...]
Of course. It's only logical that those darn laws only apply
to civilians, and not to the government that owns them.
-- K.
I'm not the government, so
I only own a few civilians.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: A new use for cages
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2004 05:26:08 -0400
[from www.news.com.au]
->
-> Boy locked in cage by school for burping
Wow! How do I enroll in the Burping School? I want to learn to burp
so I can start a career in the fast-paced world of professional burping!
-> By Kathryn Shine
-> June 10, 2004
->
-> AN intellectually disabled Perth boy was locked in a cage at his
-> school more than 60 times in a six-month period, including for
-> misbehaviour as minor as taking off his shoes and burping.
Well, it's rude to burp with your shoes on. Burping with your shoes
off is how you indicate you just ate a good Japanese meal.
-> Official teacher notes from Kenwick School, obtained under
-> Freedom of Information laws, reveal 12-year-old Neil Moore was
-> locked in the purpose-built cage on 23 occasions for low-level
-> disciplinary breaches such as "being edgy", "grunting" and
-> "rocking".
It's a "purpose-built cage"? Is that better or worse than locking
a mentally handicapped child in a cage that was accidentally built?
-> The documents contradict the school's claim that the cage had
-> only been used "intermittently".
And if he were only in the cage _some_ of the time, that would make
it okay!
-> Neil's grandmother and guardian Sheila Simons applied for the
-> notes under FOI laws about three months ago after the West
-> Australian Education Department refused to release the documents.
->
-> They detail Neil's behaviour and the use of the cage - described
-> by the special school, in Perth's southeastern suburbs, as the
-> "quiet garden" - over 27 weeks between February and September 2003.
"Quiet garden"! I call that as dibs for the name of my imaginary
rock band if we ever adopt the gimmick that we perform in cages.
-> An independent investigation into the case, released last month,
-> concluded the use of the cage was justified given Neil's extreme
-> rage behaviour.
->
-> Yet according to the school's own classifications, Neil was
-> locked in the cage when he was neither violent nor angry on 23
-> occasions last year.
->
-> On March 31, he spent 45 minutes in the cage for being "off-task,
-> stamping his feet and non-compliant". Ten days later the autism
-> sufferer was sent to the enclosure for 30 minutes for refusing to
-> join in.
Worst "Prisoner" episode ever.
"Number Six, you are OFF-TASK, NON-COMPLIANT and UN-MUTUAL.
You are being sent to... THE ENCLOSURE."
(cue scary evil weather balloon that sits on faces)
-> [...]
->
-> The structure, which comprised an area of grass surrounded on
-> three sides with 3.5m cyclone fencing with no access to water or
-> a toilet, was removed in February this year.
Probably didn't work too well anyway without that fourth side.
-- K.
It used to have a
fourth wall, until
George Burns broke it.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: A new use for cages
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 00:37:22 -0400
Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > -> AN intellectually disabled Perth boy was locked in a cage at his
> > -> school more than 60 times in a six-month period, including for
> > -> misbehaviour as minor as taking off his shoes and burping.
>
> Frankly, I'm surprised his shoes were the only things he took off after
> being placed in the cage. If any of the "B.H." kids ("Basic Help,"
> euphemism of the year for "special education") in my school had been put
> in a cage as punishment for removing clothing, I wouldn't expect any
> clothing to remain inside the cage for more than a minute.
Hey, I went to B.H. school (Burnt Hills, New York -- it merged with
Ballston Lake and became B.H.B.L.) but I am proud to say that at
least I could burp to eleven without removing my shoes.
Wait, that wasn't what you wanted to hear.
My elementary school was progressive and so the "special" kids were
"mainstreamed" (that is, put in with all the other kids, who then
tormented them) and, in fact, the only time any kids were assigned
to a "special" class was in the horror named "special gym", which
I have already described because I was a wimp back then and special
gym didn't cure me even though it was like a study hall where you
could roll on a tumbling mat to become not skinny.
That school had a pretty good assortment of gym equipment, but
"special gym" was to gym what "study hall" was to gym. At least
we had some rubber rings you could play ring-toss with.
Oh, and our balls were kept in a cage. <-- Cut up this sentence and
use it in your performance art script to win the Karen Finley prize!
-- K.
If kids aren't allowed to take
their shoes off, the easiest
way to enforce that would be
to just lace them up with wire.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Now you can name your baby after your favorite excretion
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 01:27:34 -0400
[from www.boston.com]
->
-> Japanese gov't helps determine names
-> By Kenji Hall, Associated Press Writer | June 11, 2004
->
-> TOKYO -- Ever considered naming a newborn baby Beetle or Sardine?
-> How about Cancer or Dung, or even Who?
No, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Who's the best name to give
a baby if you want him to get teased by Rain Man!
-> Those were a few of the 578 additional Japanese characters the
-> Justice Ministry said Friday it might allow parents to use in
-> names for children.
Sadly, most of these Japanese characters are huge-eyed green-haired
schoolgirls whose giant breasts enable them to fly.
-> Like mothers and fathers in other countries, Japanese parents
-> agonize over the naming of a child. With tens of thousands of
-> Japanese characters -- or kanji, based on Chinese ideograms --
-> to choose from, the possibilities would seem limitless.
->
-> And that's exactly what the government wants to avoid.
->
-> "The average person can only read and write between 2,000 to
-> 3,000 characters. The government made the law because it would be
-> too inconvenient not to be able to read people's names," Justice
-> Ministry official Yoshikazu Nemura said.
->
-> Tokyo first imposed restrictions on names just after World War II
-> ended. Periodically, the list has been revised to reflect changes
-> in the lexicon.
The original list, issued by the American occupation forces, included
such euphonious names as "Eat hamburgers and American French fries"
and "Daffy Duck says, 'Smash the Nips!'"
The list was then revised in 1976 to add "Ayyyyy!" and "Excuuuuuse me!"
-> Japanese law now restricts names to a list of 2,232 characters. A
-> child whose name contains a banned character can't be entered in
-> the family register -- an official document required for all
-> Japanese nationals -- until the name is change.
"My name is Change. Pocket Change."
-> Most names connote certain traits: fortitude and strength for
-> men; grace and beauty for women. But unusual names have been on
-> the rise in recent years, as parents opt for originality over
-> tradition.
->
-> Nemura said recent revisions have sought to lengthen the list,
-> with the most recent changes, in 1990, adding 118 characters.
-> Characters that mean evil or death often get nixed, he said.
In Japan, Satan is named "Mr. Happy Fun Red Boy".
-> But because the ministry considers characters that most commonly
-> appear in print, the list of proposals can range from the cute to
-> the bizarre -- to the downright horrifying.
->
-> Among those that were proposed this year at the public's request
-> were characters for "turnip" and "strawberry." "Beetle," "frog,"
-> "sardine" and "spider" would also be permitted.
Spider Robinson, meet Darryl Strawberry and Beetle Bailey.
You're going to be roommates here at the Institute For People
Whose Names Are Turning Japanese.
-> Some that might confuse are the word for "me" used by men or
-> "who." There was also "agony" and "chew" and, more shockingly,
-> "cancer" and "dung."
What Japanese guy is brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!!!!!
I like Agony. (In more ways than one.)
Names I would expressly permit in Kibonia:
Agony, Tyranny, Blastula, Chocula, Stalagmite, Crinkle, Fembot, Nematode,
Koosh, Scrimp, Crontab, Axolotl, Phaser, Nougat, Nougatine, and Jam Jar.
-> Public feedback and a government-appointed panel of scholars will
-> cast votes to draw up a final list in September.
->
-> "There are some that might be difficult to make a name out of,"
-> acknowledged top government spokesman, Chief Cabinet Secretary
-> Hiroyuki Hosoda.
Geez, everyone in Japan can turn a square of pink paper into a
working model of a pterodactyl but they can't make a name out of
"Agony" and "Dung" such as "Agony Q. Dung"?
Also in Kibonia, Pterodactyl, Petroleum, Linoleum, Rustoleum, Fizzbin,
Mangle, Schwinn, Schwing, Pistachio, Glossolalia, and Wedgebert.
-> But Masachi Osawa, a professor of comparative sociology at Kyoto
-> University, thinks the longer the list, the better.
->
-> "People should be free to choose. I am in favor of a broader
-> range of options," said Osawa.
And Pianissimo, Spackle, Gaydar, Tubifex, Urethra, TiVo, Munchkin,
Garanimal, Mudflap, Farina, Lepton, Gunge, Moxibustion, and Burlap.
-> The law has caused problems for some Japanese in the past.
->
-> In 1994, a man encountered resistance when he tried to name his
-> son "Akuma," after a cartoon hero who protects his band of
-> ghostly buddies. "Akuma" in Japanese means devil or demon. The
-> municipal office rejected the name, but a family court later
-> allowed it.
->
-> Although English is not an option, parents can avoid the list
-> altogether: The law doesn't apply to Japan's two syllabic writing
-> systems, called hirogana and katakana, each with 54 different
-> characters.
However, I would not permit anyone to name their kid Burlap Q. Burlap.
That would be too much Burlap for one name, especially if "Q" stands
for "Burlap".
-- K.
But this name would be permitted:
Hey, There Go My Car Keys!
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Q
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 14:04:22 -0400
James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote:
>
> Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > "Is post-modern?" is like "What would your benignly insane uncle do?"
> > It's a valid question, but it's not clear what the answer is good for.
"What is the answer to '' good for?" is a useful question, unless
you ask "What is the answer to 'Is post-modern?' good for?", in
which case, the correct answer is to shout "! ! !" and
close your Web browser before flashing images of Cowboy X start popping
up in front of everything you ever try to look at. If you're infeXted
by Cowboy X, there is no eXcape, and you muXt burn your computer before
the infeXtion spreads to your neighborX.
> > If you view your soup bowl as a little room and the noodles and beef
> > chunks as little bits of furniture, then you can ask yourself, "What
> > does feng shui say my alphabet soup?" You could arrange the letters in
> > a disharmonious fashion and place your soup bowl on the kitchen floor as
> > an ant trap. The workers carry the negative energy back with them and
> > infect the whole colony with malaise.
>
> I so wanted the last word in that sentence to be ``mayonnaise''.
X also wanXed the laXt Xord in XhaX senXenXX tX bX "maXonnaiXe".
> Ja-ant-salad-mes
Xxxxxxx!
-- X.
Xxxxxx xxx xxxxx,
xxx xxxx xxxxqx.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Q
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 14:19:36 -0400
John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote:
>
> Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote:
> >
> > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Can something be so retro that it's post-modern?
> > >
> > > The determination of whether or not something can be so
> > > retro that it's postmodern obviously introduces so many of
> > > your own biases into the analysis that the question is
> > > completely meaningless.
> >
> > *sigh*.
> >
> > The determination of whether or not something can be so
> > retro that it's postmodern obviously introduces so many of
> > your own biases into the analysis that the question is
> > completely meaningless, ayyyyy.
>
> OK, I think I see a market here for a new punctuation mark, which
> one would put where the "ayyyyy" is, which indicates that the
> foregoing sentence is the answer, or at least the only goddam
> anwser you're damwell-getting. An answer mark, instead of a
> question mark. It might also be combined with an exclamation
> mark to form the anti-puncticle of the interrobang. The
> respondobang, probably.
I think what we need are two marks. One for the general case of
"Ayyyyyyyyy", and then the one you propose, which would be just
for "Ayyyyyyy, sit on it!"
> I now intend to obtain funding from the EPSRC to conduct research
> into the question of what the typographical appearance of these
> marks should be.
>
> All the best,
>
> Gokmop Salt,
> The High Energy Punctuation Laboratory,
> Gokmop Towers,
> S. Wales.
"Ayyyyyyyy, sit on it!" is a very high-energy interjection, so
whatever symbol represents it would have to be followed by another
symbol representing three to five exclamation points (four to nine
on weekends.)
The other one we would need when answering questions is the extremely
firm period. You need three of them when you say "No, I'm not going
to let you out of that chastity belt. Ever. Goodbye."
-- K.
Those little keys flush
down the toilet so gracefully,
it's a thing of beauty.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: not bitter
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 14:30:27 -0400
Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
> >
> > Jesus, what is about this week that has us all in such a bitchy mood?
>
> The fear that when Kibo dies, he won't get a state funeral like that
> other guy we've had to listen about all week.
THE! SPECIAL! SHOW!
presents:
THE! SPECIAL! TOPICAL! POLITICAL! SATIRE! SHOW!
-- NOT AN ACTUAL EPISODE OF THE! SPECIAL! SHOW! --
(but still suitable for forced viewing by the
same audience under the same conditions)
Hey kids! Put on your straitjackets because
it's time to be therapeutically traumatized by
SPECIAL! TOPICAL! POLITICAL! SATIRE!
DISCLAIMER: The character of Ugly Fatass does not
represent any President, living or dead.
(FADE IN. INTERIOR CAPITOL ROTUNDA. A red, white, and blue coffin
is lying in state. It is open, but all we can see of the face-down
corpse is a big butt sticking out.)
WIDOWED FIRST LADY FATASS
Waah! President Ugly Fatass is dead!
RONALD REAGAN
(entering)
Hello, I'm not Ugly Fatass.
(CURTAIN.)
DAN RATHER
And you see, according to this pie chart,
31% of Americans who are likely to vote if
the election is held tomorrow believe that
that sketch represented --
KIBO
No it didn't.
DAN RATHER
Yes it did.
KIBO
Nuh-uh. I wrote this entire episode of "THE! SPECIAL!
TOPICAL! POLITICAL! SATIRE! SHOW!" and I guarantee
you it is 100% pointless so as not to disturb the
mental patients in the audience.
DAN RATHER
But it must have SOME meaning.
KIBO
Screw you, I don't have to put up with this.
I'm changing the channel.
(KIBO reaches out of the screen of your TV and turns the
primitive channel-changing knob your TV has. Unfortunately,
every channel is showing the same program.)
KIBO
Dammit, I'm on every channel!
DAN RATHER
(now played by JON STEWART)
But thank you for changing the channel to
Comedy Central.
KIBO
Oh, shut up or I'll go one further to the
Game Show Network and you'll be Gene Rayburn.
GENE RAYBURN
(entering)
Hi, I'm your next-door neighbor. I came over
to find out why nobody was watching me.
DAN RATHER
(played by JON STEWART)
Are you the real Gene Rayburn, or are you
Gene Rayburn played by Dan Rather with a
scarier face?
KIBO
Both of you shut up, or I'm going to turn this
show off and we can all shrink down to a tiny
white dot at the center of the screen until
the people watching us go blind from the
concentrated radiation.
RONALD REAGAN
(entering)
Hello, remember me? I'm still not dead.
(REAGAN DIES.)
RONALD REAGAN
(dead)
I'm dead now. Don't smoke.
(The WIDOW FATASS enters, wheeling her husband's coffin in.)
WIDOWED FIRST LADY FATASS
Well, I guess we won't be needing this now.
(She dumps PRESIDENT UGLY FATASS's corpse out of the
coffin and puts RONALD REAGAN's corpse into it. Then
she closes it up and nails the lid shut.)
RONALD REAGAN
(very muffled)
Remember, I'm dead.
GENE RAYBURN
Whereas I am not.
KIBO
Hooray! Gene Rayburn lives!
DAN RATHER
(played by JON STEWART)
Everybody boogie!
(Everyone climbs on top of the coffin and begins doing
"The Twist". A huge wave sweeps through and carries
off the coffin while the partiers ride it like a surfboard.
They disappear into the sunset. FADE OUT.)
DISCLAIMER: This episode about President Ugly Fatass
is not intended as an indictment of the homosexual world.
It is set in one small segment of that world which is
not meant to be representational of the whole.
-- K.
I think Cookie Monster
was in this episode, too.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: not bitter
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 17:00:52 -0400
Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote:
>
> The Do Not Call List works. I sometimes get a prerecorded message
> (which is against the law), but I can't remember the last time I was
> bothered by a telemarketing droid.
Then presumably either (a) you have already purchased every single
service your phone company offers because they're allowed to call you
all you want if you're a customer, or (b) you don't consider it a
"bother" but look forward to using that Very Firm Period punctuation
mark I recently described, when you say something ending with "and don't
ask what WILL HAPPEN. to EACH. of your OTHER. NINE. FINGERNAILS."
If you go the (b) route, I recommend keeping a mini-fridge under your
phone so you can bite into some celery at the appropriate moment.
-- K.
I can't wait for videophone
telemarketers. I would love
to play with them.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: the colerige 500
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 01:34:01 -0400
Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Seriously, don't be inspired by me. I torture my kitties with a laser
> pointer. And HAM.
You're not supposed to use a laser pointer, you're supposed to use
clothespins or little alligator clips or Japanese sewing clamps or
snakebite cups or... oh, you said "kitties" with a "k".
Never mind.
-- K.
I tried to work a mention
of Allen Funt into this, but
I got distracted by the loud
sounds of the creaking bedsprings
upstairs. Whoever lives in
801 seems to really enjoy his
masturbation.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: the colerige 500
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 15:29:57 -0400
Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I tried to work a mention of Allen Funt into this, but I got
> > distracted by the loud sounds of the creaking bedsprings upstairs.
> > Whoever lives in 801 seems to really enjoy his masturbation.
>
> Uh, he's kind of supposed to. Dumbass.
Yeah, but he shouldn't be enjoying it to the degree that it interferes
with the rest of us enjoying our auto-erotic activities, such as figuring
out how to drop Allen Funt's name during discussions of laser pointers.
I have half a mind to anonymously leave an Aneros outside the guy's
door to encourage him to play with himself _quietly_. Problem is,
they cost $48, and he's not being irritating enough to deserve a free
sex toy of any sort, let alone something that will help him discover his
male G-spot (the only G-spot he'll ever find during his lonely life.)
-- K.
Maybe I should just drill a hole
in my ceiling and pump in some sort
of gas that prevents sexual arousal.
That reminds me, I need to go down
to that Chinese grocery store that
has the ripe durians.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bay Area Kibologists?
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 14:11:39 -0400
dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
>
> Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote:
> >
> > [...] you forgot to put nutria in your list of Louisiana horribleness.
> > Tens of thousands of nutria.
>
> You know? I *still* haven't seen one. I DID finally see (and kill)
> a water moccasin a week ago,I've seen the gators,bugs and swamps,
> but still no nutria.
Okay, I'm sending you a bag of 144. They should be arriving in the
morning, and remember, they'll be hungry.
I got the idea from that "Queer Eye" episode where Jai (the cute one)
told me that the best way to romance a woman is to give her a puppy
against her will. It's a subtle way of hinting, "I'm gonna get you
pregnant and then sleep through all the crying."
> There is a bounty on them now,I'm told.
I prefer to use Brawny on my nutria. They get so dirty that only
a puffy, asbestos-lined paper towel can absorb so much nutria goop.
-- K.
Or as they call it
down there, gumbo.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bay Area Kibologists?
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 14:59:04 -0400
Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > There is a bounty on [nutria] now,I'm told.
> >
> > I prefer to use Brawny on my nutria. They get so dirty that only
> > a puffy, asbestos-lined paper towel can absorb so much nutria goop.
>
> Do you use regular-guy, Burt Reynolds Brawny, or the new sensitive-guy
> Brawny on your nutria? I'll bet on sensitive guy.
Always bet on the sensitive guy.
I prefer to use Armor-All to keep my nutria clean and shiny. But I liked
it better back when the Viking looked tough, not silly -- now he looks
like Hagar The Horrible doing squat-thrusts.
I can't remember whether the umlaut goes over the "a" or the "a" in "Hagar"
so I'm not going to put it in. He can sue me.
Getting back to the commercials where the '70s guy paper towels and
the modern metrosexual paper towels debate the merits of TV soap operas,
I think it's nice to see another advertising icon get to be gay-vague --
for too long it's been just Mr. Peanut and Mr. Clean. (I would also mention
the Cracker Jack kid, but he's been underage for a hundred years so I
think he might have one of those diseases that prevents puberty,
which trumps how obviously swishy he is.)
-- K.
Nightmare material of the week:
Mr. Clean, old Brawny guy,
new Brawny guy, trapeze-based
three-way.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Subway security update!
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 18:31:00 -0400
I'm riding the (T), taking the Red Line to where the durian store
is, and I see they've posted this sign in the train:
SECURITY ISN'T ABOUT WEARING A UNIFORM
It's about being aware of sights and sounds which may not seem right.
That plagiarism from The Beatles' "Only A Northern Song" is
accompanied by a picture of a shifty-looking guy staring over
his shoulder sideways, with a weird smirk on his face, and an
Armani pin-stripe shirt with silk tie. I think he's supposed
to be an undercover Secret Security Enforcement Goon and not
a creepy evildoer, but it's impossible to tell. He has a little
round pin on his shirt, which might be to identify him in an
obvious way to all the other hypothetical Secret Security
Enforcement Goons, but that can't be true because if so they
wouldn't be stupid enough to show us the secret and easy-to-clone
identification pin in this propagandisement.
The sign's message is in white letters on a bright red background.
So is the one directly across the train from it:
FINALLY, LASER HAIR REMOVAL FOR EVERYONE!
That's how they're going to enforce security. Everyone riding
the (T) will be automatically zapped so their hair will instantly
fall out and they won't be able to hide any bombs in it.
-- K.
Note that they didn't
mention being aware
of _smells_ which may
not seem right.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Subway security update!
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 23:15:36 -0400
Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm riding the (T), taking the Red Line to where the durian store
> > is, and I see they've posted this sign in the train:
> >
> > SECURITY ISN'T ABOUT WEARING A UNIFORM
>
> SECURITY IS ABOUT CARRYING A BLANKET
Yeah! You could throw it over evildoers to incapacitate them!
Unless they're a ghost, in which case it'll just turn them into
a warmer, fuzzier ghost.
> > It's about being aware of sights and sounds which may not seem right.
>
> And smells, considering this is the (T).
Remember when I said you should always read my articles backwards?
> RIDER #1
> The (T) smells different today.
>
> RIDER #2
> You're right. It's not so...uriny.
>
> RIDER #1
> I know. There's something wrong.
>
> RIDER #2
> Let's get outta here. We can take my SUV.
>
> RIDER #1
> Does it smell like urine?
I envision an even more plastic-propagandistic future where
the (T) refuses to use the term "riders" and insists that the
riders are "guests", as Disneyland and Target do. And we all
know that only one of those two smells like urine.
> > -- K.
> >
> > Note that they didn't
> > mention being aware
> > of _smells_ which may
> > not seem right.
>
>
> Oh, snap. I just noticed your tagline.
By the way, you should always read my articles backwards.
-- K.
That's not a tagline.
This is a tagline:
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Today, I am Hacksaw!
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 22:56:46 -0400
(INTERIOR SEX-TOY STORE. The CLERK is a hot gal who looks
exactly like Elizabeth Montgomery except with bright blue hair.
KIBO is hanging around to talk to the clerk and all the
interesting people who are coming in after the pride parade.)
KIBO
(to CLERK)
Actually, that setting makes more of an "OOOOOOO!"
than a full "EEEEEEEE!"
CLERK
Highly fascinating. Do go on.
(Phone rings and CLERK answers.)
CLERK
Hello, SexWrld, how may I help you?
MALE CALLER
(Barbarino voice)
Aw gee, aw, hello, this is John Tra-- I mean,
this is Horshach, or Epstein, I don't know,
I'm so confused. Do you sell the NutClampo
Chastity Device?
CLERK
We have the NutClampo 2000 For The Large Man,
and the Bolt-Action NutClampo 3000 With
Perma-Claw Grasping Spikes.
MALE CALLER
Oh, thank god, I'm in the 3000 and do you sell
spare keys?
CLERK
No, but each unit comes with two keys. Did you
lose your spare?
MALE CALLER
I need new keys. Are all the keys the same?
CLERK
Sir, the purpose of keys is that every key is
different, except for stupid wimpy locks like
on mailboxes.
MALE CALLER
(about to disintegrate)
Is there any way I can get a duplicate key?
See, my girlfriend left with the keys, and
she's mad at me, and I think she might stay
mad at me forever.
(KIBO, with his powers of super-hearing, has been listening
to both ends of this conversation, and stifles a long series
of laughs.)
CLERK
My store is very busy right now, but I can
call you back later and walk you through
what you'll need to do.
MALE CALLER
(very flustered)
Great! My number is 617-555-1234. That's
617-555-1243.
CLERK
Okay, I'm very busy right now, but I promise
I'll call you back at closing time, in four hours.
MALE CALLER
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiine! I can't wait that long!
CLERK
Tell you what, I'll put you in the hands of
a specialist.
(She hands the phone to KIBO.)
KIBO
Hey. Let me just zip up my leather jacket and
I'll be right over. My name's Hacksaw.
(pause)
KIBO
(to CLERK)
I heard a "thud", then the line went dead.
CLERK
Oh well, he'll call back a few times.
KIBO
I'm sure that will be easier for him than to
apologize to his girlfriend.
CLERK
(while leaning on a display case containing
urethral catheters with electrodes attached,
all soaking in a tub of battery acid)
The ones who really creep me out are the ones
who mail-order love dolls. They always talk
about them like they're real people, and they
call over and over because they're so desperate.
In fact, if you can hang around another thirty
seconds, one's about to call again. Brr!
(Phone rings.)
CLERK
Hello, SexWrld, can I possibly help you?
FEMALE CALLER
I ordered my Jason two days ago, and I
still haven't received him. Where's Jason?
CLERK
Ma'am, this is Saturday night, my store is
very busy, and like I told you ten minutes
ago, nobody tracks packages on Saturday night,
why don't you call back on Monday morning?
FEMALE CALLER
But I need Jason! Where's Jason?
CLERK
Here.
(Hands the phone to KIBO.)
KIBO
Hello, this is Jason. Sorry, but I'm not
sending myself to you because I've turned
gay. Bye.
(Hangs up. Phone rings again.)
CLERK
Hello, SexWrld, whaddaya want?
MALE CALLER
Hi, it's me, whatever I said my name was
last time, I still need a key to a NutClampo --
CLERK
I said, later. Contain yourself!
(Hangs up. Phone rings again.)
CLERK
SexWrld, you again?
FEMALE CALLER
I need Jason!
CLERK
Tell you what, we found you a better guy.
Call 617-555-1234, or possibly -1243,
and ask for Epstein or Horshach.
He'll do whatever you say.
KIBO
(taking the phone)
Tell him to try soaking it in hot sauce.
If he does that, it means he loves you.
(Hangs up.)
CLERK
Good job, Hacksaw.
KIBO
Some days I feel almost good about bringing
weirdos together.
CLERK
Welcome to my world.
KIBO
Now, as I was saying, at "OOOOOOO!" you should
turn it up, but at "EEEEEEEE!" you need to turn
it down, so you want a sound that's in between...
NARRATOR
(voice-over)
This has been a true story, except for the
parts Kibo was in. Good night from all of
us here at "Should've Said Theatre"!
(FADE OUT.)
-- K.
Note: Dialing 617-SEX-WRLD
will not actually allow you
to speak to any hot chicks.
All phone numbers have been
changed in order to harass
the innocent.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Markety Mark
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 23:23:07 -0400
Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote:
>
> Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > I am so confused.
>
> Imagine ark in a few years (like 5 or 10 or 15) when everyone's name
> is Jason or Justin or Ashley or Britney. Or Dakota.
>
> And every other post will read "OMG LOLOL did u here wat kibo sed???".
Don't forget the reduced-difficulty smilies that kids used to the
walled-garden "Internet" services use, like "" for when they
aren't grinning enough to type all of "".
> We'll all have taken the black pill for a painless death by then,
> I presume.
It's not a black pill. It's a pill that looks exactly like a
Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
> And Kibo's hair color will be "flesh".
No it won't. It'll be whatever I buy at the estate auction when
Charles Nelson Reilly dies.
-- K.
Unless Larry Harmon dies first.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: It finally happened...
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 2004 23:29:29 -0400
It finally happened.
A guy in a Verizon commercial just talked about connecting to the "Interweb".
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up forever.
-- K.
I prefer to call
all this computery
stuff "Spamspace".
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Rebar: the foundation of the food pyramid
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 02:26:43 -0400
[from tvnz.co.nz]
->
-> Man swallows metal bars
-> Jun 14, 2004
->
-> A man in southern Vietnam is in stable condition in hospital
-> after an operation to remove three 17-centimetre metal bars he
-> swallowed in a drunken challenge, a nurse said.
->
-> Hoang Ngoc Son, 22, swallowed the three metal bars -- normally
-> used in construction -- after a challenge from his friend during
-> a rice-whisky drinking session, said a nurse from the hospital in
-> Ho Chi Minh City where the man was treated.
The reporter has failed as usual in his or her mission to bring us
what we need to know:
What was the nature of this "challenge"? If a bet, how much money was
it, and did he win? If a dare, was it single, double, or double-dog?
-> Son swallowed the bars in mid-May. They did not pass through his
-> digestive system and he went to hospital on Wednesday complaining
-> of stomach pain, said the nurse who spoke on condition of anonymity.
->
-> X-rays showed the three half-centimetre thick metal bars in Son's
-> stomach.
They shouldn't have taken X-rays, they should have done an MRI.
Then they wouldn't have needed to operate to get the bars out
via the quickest means possible. They could have filmed it
for an "Alien" sequel.
(I seem to recall this procedure was described in James Blish's
version of "Operation: Annihilate!")
-> They were removed during a 30-minute operation, said the nurse
-> from Binh Dan hospital.
->
-> "He thought the bars would go out of his stomach in the digestive
-> way, but they didn't," the nurse said.
At first I thought, "Well, duh. There wouldn't have been a news
story if they had." But then I realized that that would have been
an even more exciting news story: MAN PASSES REBAR, SCREAMS LIKE
LITTLE GIRL BEING TURNED INSIDE OUT.
-> "It was lucky that the bars didn't cause a bad injury to his
-> stomach."
Have you ever heard of rebar causing a good injury to a stomach?
-> Son is recovering from the operation and will be discharged
-> in a week, the nurse said.
Heh-heh-heh, she said "discharged".
Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else to say about people who
eat multiple rebar.
-- K.
However, I can think of a
few things I'd say _to_ them,
such as "Hey, want to buy some
chocolate-covered rebar?"
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: quote of the day
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 15:24:15 -0400
Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote:
>
> GROUCHO MARX
>
> IS
>
> SHRINK FROM THE FUTURE
>
> A comedy of psychoanalysis and wordplay,
> with flying cars and neofreudian analysis.
What would Future Groucho look like? Would he be like Regular Groucho
except with different eyewear, such as ski goggles or at least mirrorshades?
And instead of being smeared on, would his mustache be computer-generated
and superimposed on his face like the way the heads of the babies float
around in front of the necks of midgets in "Baby Geniuses"?
And instead of a cigar, would he have something... stronger?
Possibly some sort of future doob, or just a clean-burning, solar-powered
electric stogie?
And instead of managing a department store, would Future Groucho
be webmaster of Napster.com? 'Cause, in the future, instead of buying
stuff, everyone will just download it from Napster.com. I heard it
on the Internet so it must be true.
I look forward to Groucho playing an evil time-travelling psychiatrist,
unless this is from a script by L. Ron Hubbard.
-- K.
If he stuck to the mirrorshades
and cigar and big mustache, he
could be Groucho Of Finland.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Cheap-shot political humor of the day
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 15:41:13 -0400
(Kibo begins playing a public-domain nursey rhyme tune on a red,
white, and blue grand piano while reading cue cards)
I was reading cnn.com today and I saw this:
->
-> WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush praised his predecessor's
-> "energy and joy" Monday as the official portraits of former
-> President Clinton and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton were
-> unveiled in a lighthearted ceremony at the White House.
->
-> The Clintons received a standing ovation from guests in the East
-> Room of the executive mansion before the paintings by artist
-> Simmie Knox were revealed.
->
-> "President Clinton and Sen. Clinton, welcome home," Bush said.
->
-> Clinton said it was a great honor for him, his wife -- now a U.S.
-> senator from New York -- and their family to return to "this
-> wonderful place we called home for eight years."
->
-> Bush's introduction, he said, "made me feel like a pickle
-> stepping into history."
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- President Clinton
admits he's pickled! Usually by lunchtime! Thank you! Thank you!
I'll be here on your local PBS station all pledge drive! Not your
main local PBS station, your other one.
Now let me sing a wacky parody of "Jingle Bells" I just made up,
where I almost rhyme "Abu Ghraib" with something!
-- K.
You young'uns may not remember
the dark days before Jon Stewart,
Dennis Miller, David Cross, etc.,
when we had to put up with
having _only_ Mark Russell and
The Capitol Freakin' Steps.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: People are all sheep to me.
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 01:06:08 -0400
[from news.bbc.co.uk:]
->
-> Sheep like smiles say researchers
->
-> The researchers found sheep prefer smiling faces
->
-> Sheep can recognise emotions in facial expression, not only in
-> their species but also in humans, researchers say.
->
-> Researchers at Cambridge University have discovered sheep prefer
-> smiling or relaxed human faces, over angry or stressed ones.
What about the frenzied face of Gene Wilder running towards a sheep
with his pants down?
-> Neuroscientist Dr Keith Kendrick and his team believe the
-> findings may offer insights into some human conditions.
->
-> Three years ago, the team found sheep could recognise 50
-> individual sheep faces and remember them for two years.
->
-> "Sheep are able to recognise faces that differ by less than 5% so
-> we thought perhaps they could recognise emotions which are much
-> more subtle," Dr Kendrick said.
Wait, wait. What are "faces that differ by less than 5%"?
How are they doing this computation? What would be a face that
looks 95% like me -- me with one earlobe cut off?
-> "It turns out they can, both human, smiling versus angry; and
-> sheep, stressed versus calm."
->
-> Scientists presented the sheep with two doors they could push
-> open to gain food. On one would be a picture of a smiling human
-> or a happy sheep, on the other an angry human or a stressed out
-> sheep.
Scientists are mean to sheep, stressing them out in the name of
research! Wait, this is all based on the assumption that sheep
_can_ be stressed out. Are they even smart enough for that?
-> "They vastly preferred to press the smiling human or the animal
-> that has just had a meal and is feeling all right with life,"
-> said Dr Kendrick.
->
-> Psychiatric conditions
->
-> Dr Kendrick and his researchers at the university's Babraham
-> Institute believe their finding may offer valuable insights into
-> autism, schizophrenia and a rare disorder called prosopagnosis
-> which leaves the sufferer unable to recognise faces.
Sure, it's rare and hardly results in any Google hits if you spell
it that way. It's actually pretty common if you spell it "prosopagnosia".
In fact, sometimes, I'm in places where everyone in the room has it!
Like right now! Unless you count the people on my TV (whoever they are.)
And how does the fact that sheep like to be smiled at help me grow
a working Fusiform Face Area?
-> But the research also has wide reaching implications for animal
-> welfare.
->
-> Dr Kendrick said: "This does open up the possibility that they
-> have much richer emotional lives than we would give them credit for.
I don't think we should be giving them credit cards. Maybe just debit cards
until they smarten up.
-> "If sheep, which in terms of domestic animals tend to be right
-> down the bottom of the league table for intelligence, can do this
-> then the likelihood is that other species can too."
Sheep sure are stupid, but I wouldn't say they're _that_ stupid.
They're at least twice as smart as oysters, earthworms, and "Survivor" fans.
-- K.
At least I can tell sheep
are stupid just by looking
at them. People, too.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: "Queer Eye For The Army Guy" gives G.I. Joe a fabulous makeover!
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 02:03:27 -0400
[from story.news.yahoo.com]
->
-> Army Shows 1st Uniform Redesign Since '81
->
-> By ROBERT BURNS, AP Military Writer
->
-> WASHINGTON -- The Army revealed on Monday a redesigned combat
-> uniform with a digital camouflage pattern that looks strikingly
-> different from soldiers' current battle dress uniforms.
"Digital camouflage pattern"? Oh geez, I am so sick of knockoffs of
the "Matrix" screensaver.
-> It marks the first major change in the Army uniform since 1981,
-> said Brig. Gen. James R. Moran, who modeled the uniform for
-> reporters at the Pentagon. He said recruits will be issued
-> the redesigned uniform starting October 2005, and the entire
-> Army will be outfitted by December 2007.
->
-> The uniform is being produced in a single, universal pattern to
-> replace the two camouflage versions in current use: tan-brown for
-> desert use and green-brown-black for woodland settings.
It'll settle that debate about which of the two they should wear
while indoors shoving glow sticks up Iraqi prisoners' butts.
-> The pattern for the new camouflage coat and trousers is a mix of
-> light green, tan and gray. Moran said it was designed to allow
-> soldiers to blend into urban, desert and forest environments; it
-> is similar to the Marines' digital camouflage uniform except that
-> it has no black in the pattern.
Urban, desert, and forest environments, sure, but what about snow?
Heck, even the Imperial Stormtroopers had special versions of their
uniforms for Ice Planet Hoth even though their regular uniforms were
whiter than a "Seinfeld" rerun.
Oh, and as far as there being no black in the pattern, then why
is the American flag on the new uniform black and tan? Doesn't
the Army know that the official colors of the American flag are...
um... please remind me, what's the other color besides tan in
our flag?
-> Soldiers also will get a new, no-shine, tan combat boot, and the
-> current black boots will be discontinued.
How are people supposed to take our soldiers seriously if they wear
matte-finish tan suede combat boots? I know they don't want gay
people in the Army, but isn't it going a little too far to eliminate
all the butchness? Soldiers are supposed to wear shiny black boots
for a reason -- so the enemy can be humiliated seeing their own face
reflected in the boots they're forced to lick.
When World War II ended and black leather was invented, Tom Of Finland
was inspired. And now he's dead. Does this mean he'll return from the
grave when they rediscover black leather? Oh man, now I can't wait
for the next World War II to end.
-> The new uniform makes more use of Velcro,
...so let's hope the Army doesn't have to invade Apollo 1.
-> and the coat fastens in front with a zipper instead of buttons.
What? A likely-to-get-stuck zipper? Haven't they ever heard of Velcro?
-> Cuffs and pockets are fastened with Velcro, and the coat collar can
-> be turned up and fastened Mandarin-style.
General Gao used to wear his coat like that.
-> The uniform is roomier and made with a no-wrinkle fabric.
Yeah, nobody likes having to see wrinkles in the blotchy camouflage
uniform which would make the wrinkles invisible if the camouflage
could even hide a wrinkle, let alone a guy standing in front of a
Krispy Kreme.
-> The coat-trousers combination costs $88, compared with $56 for
-> the current battle dress uniform.
Hmm. I just paid about $225 for a jacket-chaps combination, but
mine has better camouflage (I can stand in front of a burning
Krispy Kreme at night, since it's black leather with red flames.)
It's worth the extra money to look more studly than some guy in a
Velcro-encrusted mandarin collar with permanent-press digital camouflage.
-> The new uniform was designed in part to accommodate the new
-> Interceptor body armor that soldiers are getting in Iraq
-> and Afghanistan for partial protection from bullets as large
-> as 7.62mm. The Mandarin-style collar, for example, shields the
-> neck from the Interceptor vest collar.
And the mock turtleneck collar shields the neck from the Mandarin-style
collar! And the starched collar shields the neck from the turtleneck collar!
And the dog collar shields the neck from the starched collar!
-> Moran said the Army will offer soldiers extra protection with
-> add-on armor for the underarm area, which is not covered with
-> protective plates in Interceptor vests. The deltoid protection
-> will increase the weight of the armor vests from 16 pounds to 22
-> pounds.
->
-> About 50,000 sets of deltoid protection are to be available by
-> the end of September.
...according to the public-relations man for deltoid protection,
some starry old veck named P.R. Deltoid.
(Ah, so that explains why the new uniforms also come with one false eyelash!)
-> Moran said the Army is looking for ways to protect soldiers
-> better who risk death or injury from homemade bombs in Iraq, the
-> weapons of choice for anti-U.S. insurgents.
->
-> "We have a clever enemy, an adaptable enemy," he said.
VELCRO WILL SAVE US!!!
For further details, I went right to the official press release:
[from peosoldier.army.mil]
=>
=> [...]
=>
=> In addition to the overall pattern and color changes, the ACU
=> changes include:
=>
=> 1. Mandarin collar that can be worn up or down
Or the soldier can put just one side of it up or down to indicate
whether he's the unit's pitcher or catcher.
=> 2. Rank insignia affixed above right chest pocket
=> 3. Velcro for wearing unit patch, skill tabs and recognition devices
=> 4. Zippered front closure
Ooh -- does the zippered closure connect to the fabric material
near the arm sleeves?
Remember, every time the Army utters a redundant word, a trillion dollars
is wasted!
=> 5. Elbow pouch for internal elbow pad inserts
=> 6. Knee pouch for internal knee pad inserts
=> 7. Elastic leg cuff
That'll never hold them. Metal leg cuffs are much harder to escape from.
=> 8. Tilted chest pockets with Velcro closure
=> 9. Three-slot pen pocket on bottom of sleeve
Does our Army really need three colors of pens? When they take down
the names of Iraqis they arrest, do they use different colors for the
ones they think are cute enough to sodomize versus the ones they just
want to electrocute? Which color means "panties on head"?
=> 10. Velcro sleeve cuff closure
=> 11. Shoulder pockets with Velcro
Gee, I wonder what company beginning with "V" I should invest in?
=> 12. Forward tilted cargo pockets
=> 13. Integrated blouse bellows for increased upper body mobility
"Integrated blouse bellows"? I don't know or care what those are,
but it's official, the Army is now faggy.
=> 14. Integrated Friend or Foe Identification Square on both left
=> and right shoulder pocket flap
I hope they won't be wasting too many tax dollars producing the
version that says "Foe".
=> 15. Bellowed calf storage pocket on left and right leg
Wouldn't it be quieter to just carry around the equivalent weight
in beef jerky instead of a whole bellowing calf?
=> 16. Moisture-wicking desert tan t-shirt
=> 17. Patrol Cap with double thick bill and internal pocket
=> 18. Improved hot-weather desert boot or temperate-weather desert boot
So let's see... the entire Army will be wearing these beginning 2007...
and everything's desert-oriented... hmm, I guess I can stop wondering
whether we'll be out of Iraq in the next three years.
-- K.
If I had designed the
new uniforms, the Army
would look like space
biker Viking ninjas, sort
of like if Alex Toth made
Darth Vader more fetishy.
HELMETS NEED TO BE HORNY.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped!
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 01:29:10 -0400
[from www.abcnews.go.com]
->
-> Truck Carrying 9M Bees Spills in Mont.
->
-> Tractor-Trailer Hauling Bees Crashes in Mont., Dumping Honey,
-> Sending 9 Million Bees on Rampage
Gosh, that was a short article.
Oh, wait, there's more:
-> The Associated Press
->
-> BOZEMAN, Mont. June 15, 2004 -- A tractor-trailer overturned on a
-> curve on a highway, spilling its load of hundreds of bee hives
-> and unleashing some nine million angry honey bees.
And overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out.
-- Arthur B. Clarke, "The Nine Million Angry Bees Of God"
-> The bees buzzed furiously as driver Lane Miller, has arm scraped
-> to the bone, struggled to flee his rig after it overturned Monday
-> in Bear Trap Canyon west of Bozeman. The truck slid across the
-> highway before coming to a stop between guardrails.
->
-> "I had to kick the windshield out of the front of the cab and the
-> bees were on me from that moment," said Miller, 41. "I've never
-> felt so much fear in my life."
And now every future day will seem dull to him, unless he can meet
someone who can trap him in an elevator with 10 million bees.
Then next time, 11 million bees in a submarine. 12 million in
a tanning booth. 13 million in an abandoned refrigerator.
-> Miller walked away from the crash, and two people picked him up
-> and took him to the hospital. Miller underwent surgery on his arm
-> and suffered bruises and about 20 stings.
->
-> The state road was closed for 14 hours as crews and beekeepers
-> cleaned up the 512 hives Miller was hauling from Idaho to
-> North Dakota.
->
-> In spite of bee suits and extra clothing, beekeeper Gary Clark
-> said he counted about 60 stings of his own.
He stung sixty people? THAT DASTARD!!!
-> "Everybody had literally thousands of bees on them, in their hats
-> and on their suits," Clark said. "When we pulled the boxes out,
-> big globs of them would fall on us."
Bees! Now in globs! Buy a box of globs of bees today! Only at Trader Joe's!
-> Firefighters directing traffic also suffered stings.
->
-> "The bees were so agitated you could barely see the beekeepers or
-> the wreckage itself, just because of the cloud of bees that were
-> swarming," said fire chief Shawn Christiansen.
->
-> It wasn't until 3 am. Tuesday that a tow truck got in to haul out
-> the tractor-trailer, leaving behind pools of honey from the
-> overturned hives.
->
-> State Transportation Department employees dropped sand on the
-> road to soak up the sticky mess.
->
-> Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This
-> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or
-> redistributed.
Unlike my masterpiece, which _needs_ to be rebroadcast every four years:
////////// RE-RUN FOLLOWS /////////////////////////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: 2000/07/05
Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) found this news story:
>
> 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia
>
> Canadian Press
>
> Antigonish, N.S. -- An early morning accident along a rural route outside
> Antigonish has released thousands of honeybees.
>
> RCMP say as many as 250,000 bees were set free when the tractor trailer
> transporting them Tuesday struck a bridge near Antigonish.
>
> Police have since closed the stretch of the road near the accident and
> are asking residents to stay away.
>
> They're also urging residents not to panic, because the bees are just
> garden-variety and shouldn't pose a threat to anyone.
>
> Bee experts have been brought to the scene in an attempt to round-up the
> wayward insects.
Hey! Nova Scotia, stop stealing the plot of my unfinished masterpiece,
a slapstick musical comedy farce, modestly titled "BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES,
BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!"! At least wait until I finish filming all
six hours of it!
It's about twenty-eight big celebrities who take two cars cross-country
with thousands of bees that slowly escape from their crates because
Humphrey Bogart said they would split two thousand dollars if they
delivered the bees to the exact center of the world's largest trapezoid
in Santa Vaca.
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!
STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
Bob Hope
Dean Martin
Jackie Gleason
Charlie Callas
Andy Dick
Dick van Dyke
Orson Welles
!!! THE !!! MARX !!! BROTHERS !!!
Johnny Carson
Rip Taylor
ALSO STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
Danny Thomas
David Garroway
William Holden
Ernie Kovacs
Lenny Bruce
Art Carney
Peter Sellers
Tennessee Ernie Ford
Andy Griffith
Harvey Lembeck
Earl Holliman
Cesar Romero
Emil Sitka
Ernest Borgnine
Joey Adams
Harry Langdon
Burgess Meredith
Trygve Lund
Soupy Sales
Truman Bradley
Senor Wences
Lou Costello
Stepin Fetchit
with SPECIAL APPEARANCES in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
Harold Lloyd
Lord Mountbatten
Charles Van Doren
Ronald Reagan
William Frawley
Doodles Weaver
AND as the WOMEN
Judy Garland
Shelly Winters
Katharine Hepburn
Imogene Coca
Mae West
Spring Buyington
and ALSO APPEARING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
Humphrey Bogart
I swear on a stack of bee-filled Bibles that you will flee the theater while
singing the theme song, which is used in the movie whenever comedy happens!
And just wait 'til you see the wacky animated title sequence which is
even funnier than the movie! Just imagine how funny this will look:
[lyrics to "THEME FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.]
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!
BEES!
There are BEES!
BEES BEES BEES!
There are BEES BEES BEES BEES *BOOM*
BEES!!!
(kazoo solo)
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
You can BEE a FLOWER
you can BEE a COWARD
You can BEE a HERO
or BEE Emp'ror NERO
You can BEE a POWER
or BEE a lawn-MOWER
You can BEE a WEIRDO
or BEE Joan MIRO
It's a hundred-course dessert for YOU
with BEES and PI-ES
and BEES and FRI-ES
and BEES and PE-AS
and BEES and DIS-EASE
for YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU!
You can BEE a ROBOT
you can BEE a HOT SHOT
You can BEE a WEEVIL
or BEE tot'lly EVIL
You can BEE a PARROT
you can BEE a CARROT
You can BEE a WEINER
or BEE a window CLEANER
We've a smorgasbord of comedy for YOU
with BEES and BE-ANS
and BEES and GRE-ENS
and BEES and SA-UCE
and BEES and FL-OSS
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
You can BEE a PICKLE
or BEE a wooden NICKEL
You can BEE a GIRAFFE
or BEE a fine CARAFE
You can BEE a SICKLE
or BEE a mere TRICKLE
You can BEE a SERAPH
or BEE another GIRAFFE
We're serving this souffle of BEES
with BEES and BA-CON
and BEES and POP-CORN
and BEES and CHE-EESE
and BEES and GRE-EASE
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
THE MOVIE!
And this joyous little ditty is played during each of the intermissions:
[lyrics to "INTERMISSION FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.]
Now GO to the LOBBY
to DO your HOBBY
or GO to the POTTY
pet YOUR dog SPOTTY
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES!
THE MOVIE!
THE INTERMISSION!
(ten-minute kazoo solo)
The movie really shifts into high gear once the first bee escapes from
the crate, about ninety minutes into it. And wait'll you see what happens
when TWO bees get loose! It all builds up to the greatest mayhem ever
shown on the silver screen as hundreds of celebrities drive around
the desert in a flaming car FILLED WITH BEES!
BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! NOT FOR STEALING!
-- K.
You can BEE in Nova SCOTIA
or BEE in a big exPLOSION
Don't MESS with my MOVIE
or I'll KILL you in a DOOZY
with my BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB!
////////// END OF RE-RUN, AHHHH ///////////////////////////////////////
I was seriously planning to write several scenes from that movie, but
I thought sitting through the theme song was enough torture for anyone,
and besides, writing that made the songs I was parodying start running
through my head, and yes, the intermission music from "It's A Mad, Mad,
Mad, Mad World" does actually contain the lyric "go to the LOBBY to
do your HOBBY" but the difference is that that movie _doesn't_ star
a cameo appearance by wax figurines representing two of the five
Marx Brothers so mine's better, and also, mine has twice as much funny
if you consider that bees equal funny.
-- K.
If bees didn't exist, the funniest
insect would be the shrimp.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped!
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 2004 01:31:58 -0400
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
> > Subject: Re: 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia
> > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
> > Date: 2000/07/05
>
> I can't believe it was that long ago. Sob!
It was only last millennium! It's not like I travelled back in time
to 498 BC to post it while impressing people with my manly orange beard!
> > STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
> > Bob Hope
> > Art Carney
> > Earl Holliman
> > Burgess Meredith
> > Ronald Reagan
> > Katharine Hepburn
>
> ... Do you realize how many people you killed by putting them in your
> movie?
To say nothing of the uncountable millions who wish they were dead
now that they've seen it twice!
> > Spring Buyington
>
> I think I chewed you out about this already. Also, I had an enormous
> crush on you for about 15 seconds because you knew who Spring Byington was.
There's something about her name that makes it physically painful for
me to spell it correctly. I don't understand it either. I imagine
that she looks like a purple mannequin with the transparent red wormhole
from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" coming out of her forehead, in the
middle of a church, because the very concept that she ever existed with
a name like that is not only too weird for me to comprehend, but is
also too weird for me to not comprehend. I envision her as a complex
mixture of a chrono-synclastic infundibulum, antimatter, and a cup of
pink Snack Pack pudding that tastes yellow.
> [...]
>
> > a cameo appearance by wax figurines representing two of the five
> > Marx Brothers
>
> Poor Zeppo, remembered only by Kibo in bad bee parodies.
And let's not forget the only Marx Sister, Spring Marx, who, if
she existed, would not be remembered even by me, so it's good that
she didn't exist because it means I can make her up.
-- K.
And how is this supposed to
cure that damn song that's been
running through my head since
last night?
-----------------------------------------------------
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped!
Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 03:08:01 -0400
Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!
> >
> > STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER
>
> How many people appearing in this movie have DIED since you first posted
> this on 5 July 2000?
>
> Starting with Bob Hope and proceeding in alphabetical order, of course.
Well, there's the Marx Brothers...
I guess the big question is, why were all these people in my brain in 2000,
and why haven't I forgotten any of these people since then? I mean,
Spring Buyington? Harvey Lembeck? My brain sucks. It can only remember
stuff I should've never learned in the first place.
Maybe the fact that I'm missing my Fusiform Face Area is what created
room for all these used-to-have-been-has-beens. They're all jammed into
that little spot on the bottom of the right side of my brain. (If someone
ever gives me a functional MRI scan to look for a lesion there, I promise
to think about Spring Buyington to see if that spot lights up. Then
someone will win the Nobel Prize for discovering where Spring Buyington
is stored.)
Also, I'm not sure whether I would have appeared in a cameo role in
the movie had I actually completed it. Maybe Andy Dick would have
been playing me instead. He's a big silly, and very special.
-- K.
I bet he's missing _lots_
of fusiforms and otherforms
from his brain.