From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Rebar: the foundation of the food pyramid Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 02:26:43 -0400 [from tvnz.co.nz] -> -> Man swallows metal bars -> Jun 14, 2004 -> -> A man in southern Vietnam is in stable condition in hospital -> after an operation to remove three 17-centimetre metal bars he -> swallowed in a drunken challenge, a nurse said. -> -> Hoang Ngoc Son, 22, swallowed the three metal bars -- normally -> used in construction -- after a challenge from his friend during -> a rice-whisky drinking session, said a nurse from the hospital in -> Ho Chi Minh City where the man was treated. The reporter has failed as usual in his or her mission to bring us what we need to know: What was the nature of this "challenge"? If a bet, how much money was it, and did he win? If a dare, was it single, double, or double-dog? -> Son swallowed the bars in mid-May. They did not pass through his -> digestive system and he went to hospital on Wednesday complaining -> of stomach pain, said the nurse who spoke on condition of anonymity. -> -> X-rays showed the three half-centimetre thick metal bars in Son's -> stomach. They shouldn't have taken X-rays, they should have done an MRI. Then they wouldn't have needed to operate to get the bars out via the quickest means possible. They could have filmed it for an "Alien" sequel. (I seem to recall this procedure was described in James Blish's version of "Operation: Annihilate!") -> They were removed during a 30-minute operation, said the nurse -> from Binh Dan hospital. -> -> "He thought the bars would go out of his stomach in the digestive -> way, but they didn't," the nurse said. At first I thought, "Well, duh. There wouldn't have been a news story if they had." But then I realized that that would have been an even more exciting news story: MAN PASSES REBAR, SCREAMS LIKE LITTLE GIRL BEING TURNED INSIDE OUT. -> "It was lucky that the bars didn't cause a bad injury to his -> stomach." Have you ever heard of rebar causing a good injury to a stomach? -> Son is recovering from the operation and will be discharged -> in a week, the nurse said. Heh-heh-heh, she said "discharged". Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else to say about people who eat multiple rebar. -- K. However, I can think of a few things I'd say _to_ them, such as "Hey, want to buy some chocolate-covered rebar?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bay Area Kibologists? Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 14:59:04 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > There is a bounty on [nutria] now,I'm told. > > > > I prefer to use Brawny on my nutria. They get so dirty that only > > a puffy, asbestos-lined paper towel can absorb so much nutria goop. > > Do you use regular-guy, Burt Reynolds Brawny, or the new sensitive-guy > Brawny on your nutria? I'll bet on sensitive guy. Always bet on the sensitive guy. I prefer to use Armor-All to keep my nutria clean and shiny. But I liked it better back when the Viking looked tough, not silly -- now he looks like Hagar The Horrible doing squat-thrusts. I can't remember whether the umlaut goes over the "a" or the "a" in "Hagar" so I'm not going to put it in. He can sue me. Getting back to the commercials where the '70s guy paper towels and the modern metrosexual paper towels debate the merits of TV soap operas, I think it's nice to see another advertising icon get to be gay-vague -- for too long it's been just Mr. Peanut and Mr. Clean. (I would also mention the Cracker Jack kid, but he's been underage for a hundred years so I think he might have one of those diseases that prevents puberty, which trumps how obviously swishy he is.) -- K. Nightmare material of the week: Mr. Clean, old Brawny guy, new Brawny guy, trapeze-based three-way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: quote of the day Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 15:24:15 -0400 Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > GROUCHO MARX > > IS > > SHRINK FROM THE FUTURE > > A comedy of psychoanalysis and wordplay, > with flying cars and neofreudian analysis. What would Future Groucho look like? Would he be like Regular Groucho except with different eyewear, such as ski goggles or at least mirrorshades? And instead of being smeared on, would his mustache be computer-generated and superimposed on his face like the way the heads of the babies float around in front of the necks of midgets in "Baby Geniuses"? And instead of a cigar, would he have something... stronger? Possibly some sort of future doob, or just a clean-burning, solar-powered electric stogie? And instead of managing a department store, would Future Groucho be webmaster of Napster.com? 'Cause, in the future, instead of buying stuff, everyone will just download it from Napster.com. I heard it on the Internet so it must be true. I look forward to Groucho playing an evil time-travelling psychiatrist, unless this is from a script by L. Ron Hubbard. -- K. If he stuck to the mirrorshades and cigar and big mustache, he could be Groucho Of Finland. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cheap-shot political humor of the day Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2004 15:41:13 -0400 (Kibo begins playing a public-domain nursey rhyme tune on a red, white, and blue grand piano while reading cue cards) I was reading cnn.com today and I saw this: -> -> WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush praised his predecessor's -> "energy and joy" Monday as the official portraits of former -> President Clinton and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton were -> unveiled in a lighthearted ceremony at the White House. -> -> The Clintons received a standing ovation from guests in the East -> Room of the executive mansion before the paintings by artist -> Simmie Knox were revealed. -> -> "President Clinton and Sen. Clinton, welcome home," Bush said. -> -> Clinton said it was a great honor for him, his wife -- now a U.S. -> senator from New York -- and their family to return to "this -> wonderful place we called home for eight years." -> -> Bush's introduction, he said, "made me feel like a pickle -> stepping into history." And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- President Clinton admits he's pickled! Usually by lunchtime! Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here on your local PBS station all pledge drive! Not your main local PBS station, your other one. Now let me sing a wacky parody of "Jingle Bells" I just made up, where I almost rhyme "Abu Ghraib" with something! -- K. You young'uns may not remember the dark days before Jon Stewart, Dennis Miller, David Cross, etc., when we had to put up with having _only_ Mark Russell and The Capitol Freakin' Steps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: People are all sheep to me. Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 01:06:08 -0400 [from news.bbc.co.uk:] -> -> Sheep like smiles say researchers -> -> The researchers found sheep prefer smiling faces -> -> Sheep can recognise emotions in facial expression, not only in -> their species but also in humans, researchers say. -> -> Researchers at Cambridge University have discovered sheep prefer -> smiling or relaxed human faces, over angry or stressed ones. What about the frenzied face of Gene Wilder running towards a sheep with his pants down? -> Neuroscientist Dr Keith Kendrick and his team believe the -> findings may offer insights into some human conditions. -> -> Three years ago, the team found sheep could recognise 50 -> individual sheep faces and remember them for two years. -> -> "Sheep are able to recognise faces that differ by less than 5% so -> we thought perhaps they could recognise emotions which are much -> more subtle," Dr Kendrick said. Wait, wait. What are "faces that differ by less than 5%"? How are they doing this computation? What would be a face that looks 95% like me -- me with one earlobe cut off? -> "It turns out they can, both human, smiling versus angry; and -> sheep, stressed versus calm." -> -> Scientists presented the sheep with two doors they could push -> open to gain food. On one would be a picture of a smiling human -> or a happy sheep, on the other an angry human or a stressed out -> sheep. Scientists are mean to sheep, stressing them out in the name of research! Wait, this is all based on the assumption that sheep _can_ be stressed out. Are they even smart enough for that? -> "They vastly preferred to press the smiling human or the animal -> that has just had a meal and is feeling all right with life," -> said Dr Kendrick. -> -> Psychiatric conditions -> -> Dr Kendrick and his researchers at the university's Babraham -> Institute believe their finding may offer valuable insights into -> autism, schizophrenia and a rare disorder called prosopagnosis -> which leaves the sufferer unable to recognise faces. Sure, it's rare and hardly results in any Google hits if you spell it that way. It's actually pretty common if you spell it "prosopagnosia". In fact, sometimes, I'm in places where everyone in the room has it! Like right now! Unless you count the people on my TV (whoever they are.) And how does the fact that sheep like to be smiled at help me grow a working Fusiform Face Area? -> But the research also has wide reaching implications for animal -> welfare. -> -> Dr Kendrick said: "This does open up the possibility that they -> have much richer emotional lives than we would give them credit for. I don't think we should be giving them credit cards. Maybe just debit cards until they smarten up. -> "If sheep, which in terms of domestic animals tend to be right -> down the bottom of the league table for intelligence, can do this -> then the likelihood is that other species can too." Sheep sure are stupid, but I wouldn't say they're _that_ stupid. They're at least twice as smart as oysters, earthworms, and "Survivor" fans. -- K. At least I can tell sheep are stupid just by looking at them. People, too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Queer Eye For The Army Guy" gives G.I. Joe a fabulous makeover! Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 02:03:27 -0400 [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Army Shows 1st Uniform Redesign Since '81 -> -> By ROBERT BURNS, AP Military Writer -> -> WASHINGTON -- The Army revealed on Monday a redesigned combat -> uniform with a digital camouflage pattern that looks strikingly -> different from soldiers' current battle dress uniforms. "Digital camouflage pattern"? Oh geez, I am so sick of knockoffs of the "Matrix" screensaver. -> It marks the first major change in the Army uniform since 1981, -> said Brig. Gen. James R. Moran, who modeled the uniform for -> reporters at the Pentagon. He said recruits will be issued -> the redesigned uniform starting October 2005, and the entire -> Army will be outfitted by December 2007. -> -> The uniform is being produced in a single, universal pattern to -> replace the two camouflage versions in current use: tan-brown for -> desert use and green-brown-black for woodland settings. It'll settle that debate about which of the two they should wear while indoors shoving glow sticks up Iraqi prisoners' butts. -> The pattern for the new camouflage coat and trousers is a mix of -> light green, tan and gray. Moran said it was designed to allow -> soldiers to blend into urban, desert and forest environments; it -> is similar to the Marines' digital camouflage uniform except that -> it has no black in the pattern. Urban, desert, and forest environments, sure, but what about snow? Heck, even the Imperial Stormtroopers had special versions of their uniforms for Ice Planet Hoth even though their regular uniforms were whiter than a "Seinfeld" rerun. Oh, and as far as there being no black in the pattern, then why is the American flag on the new uniform black and tan? Doesn't the Army know that the official colors of the American flag are... um... please remind me, what's the other color besides tan in our flag? -> Soldiers also will get a new, no-shine, tan combat boot, and the -> current black boots will be discontinued. How are people supposed to take our soldiers seriously if they wear matte-finish tan suede combat boots? I know they don't want gay people in the Army, but isn't it going a little too far to eliminate all the butchness? Soldiers are supposed to wear shiny black boots for a reason -- so the enemy can be humiliated seeing their own face reflected in the boots they're forced to lick. When World War II ended and black leather was invented, Tom Of Finland was inspired. And now he's dead. Does this mean he'll return from the grave when they rediscover black leather? Oh man, now I can't wait for the next World War II to end. -> The new uniform makes more use of Velcro, ...so let's hope the Army doesn't have to invade Apollo 1. -> and the coat fastens in front with a zipper instead of buttons. What? A likely-to-get-stuck zipper? Haven't they ever heard of Velcro? -> Cuffs and pockets are fastened with Velcro, and the coat collar can -> be turned up and fastened Mandarin-style. General Gao used to wear his coat like that. -> The uniform is roomier and made with a no-wrinkle fabric. Yeah, nobody likes having to see wrinkles in the blotchy camouflage uniform which would make the wrinkles invisible if the camouflage could even hide a wrinkle, let alone a guy standing in front of a Krispy Kreme. -> The coat-trousers combination costs $88, compared with $56 for -> the current battle dress uniform. Hmm. I just paid about $225 for a jacket-chaps combination, but mine has better camouflage (I can stand in front of a burning Krispy Kreme at night, since it's black leather with red flames.) It's worth the extra money to look more studly than some guy in a Velcro-encrusted mandarin collar with permanent-press digital camouflage. -> The new uniform was designed in part to accommodate the new -> Interceptor body armor that soldiers are getting in Iraq -> and Afghanistan for partial protection from bullets as large -> as 7.62mm. The Mandarin-style collar, for example, shields the -> neck from the Interceptor vest collar. And the mock turtleneck collar shields the neck from the Mandarin-style collar! And the starched collar shields the neck from the turtleneck collar! And the dog collar shields the neck from the starched collar! -> Moran said the Army will offer soldiers extra protection with -> add-on armor for the underarm area, which is not covered with -> protective plates in Interceptor vests. The deltoid protection -> will increase the weight of the armor vests from 16 pounds to 22 -> pounds. -> -> About 50,000 sets of deltoid protection are to be available by -> the end of September. ...according to the public-relations man for deltoid protection, some starry old veck named P.R. Deltoid. (Ah, so that explains why the new uniforms also come with one false eyelash!) -> Moran said the Army is looking for ways to protect soldiers -> better who risk death or injury from homemade bombs in Iraq, the -> weapons of choice for anti-U.S. insurgents. -> -> "We have a clever enemy, an adaptable enemy," he said. VELCRO WILL SAVE US!!! For further details, I went right to the official press release: [from peosoldier.army.mil] => => [...] => => In addition to the overall pattern and color changes, the ACU => changes include: => => 1. Mandarin collar that can be worn up or down Or the soldier can put just one side of it up or down to indicate whether he's the unit's pitcher or catcher. => 2. Rank insignia affixed above right chest pocket => 3. Velcro for wearing unit patch, skill tabs and recognition devices => 4. Zippered front closure Ooh -- does the zippered closure connect to the fabric material near the arm sleeves? Remember, every time the Army utters a redundant word, a trillion dollars is wasted! => 5. Elbow pouch for internal elbow pad inserts => 6. Knee pouch for internal knee pad inserts => 7. Elastic leg cuff That'll never hold them. Metal leg cuffs are much harder to escape from. => 8. Tilted chest pockets with Velcro closure => 9. Three-slot pen pocket on bottom of sleeve Does our Army really need three colors of pens? When they take down the names of Iraqis they arrest, do they use different colors for the ones they think are cute enough to sodomize versus the ones they just want to electrocute? Which color means "panties on head"? => 10. Velcro sleeve cuff closure => 11. Shoulder pockets with Velcro Gee, I wonder what company beginning with "V" I should invest in? => 12. Forward tilted cargo pockets => 13. Integrated blouse bellows for increased upper body mobility "Integrated blouse bellows"? I don't know or care what those are, but it's official, the Army is now faggy. => 14. Integrated Friend or Foe Identification Square on both left => and right shoulder pocket flap I hope they won't be wasting too many tax dollars producing the version that says "Foe". => 15. Bellowed calf storage pocket on left and right leg Wouldn't it be quieter to just carry around the equivalent weight in beef jerky instead of a whole bellowing calf? => 16. Moisture-wicking desert tan t-shirt => 17. Patrol Cap with double thick bill and internal pocket => 18. Improved hot-weather desert boot or temperate-weather desert boot So let's see... the entire Army will be wearing these beginning 2007... and everything's desert-oriented... hmm, I guess I can stop wondering whether we'll be out of Iraq in the next three years. -- K. If I had designed the new uniforms, the Army would look like space biker Viking ninjas, sort of like if Alex Toth made Darth Vader more fetishy. HELMETS NEED TO BE HORNY. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: not bitter Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 17:00:52 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > The Do Not Call List works. I sometimes get a prerecorded message > (which is against the law), but I can't remember the last time I was > bothered by a telemarketing droid. Then presumably either (a) you have already purchased every single service your phone company offers because they're allowed to call you all you want if you're a customer, or (b) you don't consider it a "bother" but look forward to using that Very Firm Period punctuation mark I recently described, when you say something ending with "and don't ask what WILL HAPPEN. to EACH. of your OTHER. NINE. FINGERNAILS." If you go the (b) route, I recommend keeping a mini-fridge under your phone so you can bite into some celery at the appropriate moment. -- K. I can't wait for videophone telemarketers. I would love to play with them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped! Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 01:29:10 -0400 [from www.abcnews.go.com] -> -> Truck Carrying 9M Bees Spills in Mont. -> -> Tractor-Trailer Hauling Bees Crashes in Mont., Dumping Honey, -> Sending 9 Million Bees on Rampage Gosh, that was a short article. Oh, wait, there's more: -> The Associated Press -> -> BOZEMAN, Mont. June 15, 2004 -- A tractor-trailer overturned on a -> curve on a highway, spilling its load of hundreds of bee hives -> and unleashing some nine million angry honey bees. And overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out. -- Arthur B. Clarke, "The Nine Million Angry Bees Of God" -> The bees buzzed furiously as driver Lane Miller, has arm scraped -> to the bone, struggled to flee his rig after it overturned Monday -> in Bear Trap Canyon west of Bozeman. The truck slid across the -> highway before coming to a stop between guardrails. -> -> "I had to kick the windshield out of the front of the cab and the -> bees were on me from that moment," said Miller, 41. "I've never -> felt so much fear in my life." And now every future day will seem dull to him, unless he can meet someone who can trap him in an elevator with 10 million bees. Then next time, 11 million bees in a submarine. 12 million in a tanning booth. 13 million in an abandoned refrigerator. -> Miller walked away from the crash, and two people picked him up -> and took him to the hospital. Miller underwent surgery on his arm -> and suffered bruises and about 20 stings. -> -> The state road was closed for 14 hours as crews and beekeepers -> cleaned up the 512 hives Miller was hauling from Idaho to -> North Dakota. -> -> In spite of bee suits and extra clothing, beekeeper Gary Clark -> said he counted about 60 stings of his own. He stung sixty people? THAT DASTARD!!! -> "Everybody had literally thousands of bees on them, in their hats -> and on their suits," Clark said. "When we pulled the boxes out, -> big globs of them would fall on us." Bees! Now in globs! Buy a box of globs of bees today! Only at Trader Joe's! -> Firefighters directing traffic also suffered stings. -> -> "The bees were so agitated you could barely see the beekeepers or -> the wreckage itself, just because of the cloud of bees that were -> swarming," said fire chief Shawn Christiansen. -> -> It wasn't until 3 am. Tuesday that a tow truck got in to haul out -> the tractor-trailer, leaving behind pools of honey from the -> overturned hives. -> -> State Transportation Department employees dropped sand on the -> road to soak up the sticky mess. -> -> Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or -> redistributed. Unlike my masterpiece, which _needs_ to be rebroadcast every four years: ////////// RE-RUN FOLLOWS ///////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: 2000/07/05 Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) found this news story: > > 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia > > Canadian Press > > Antigonish, N.S. -- An early morning accident along a rural route outside > Antigonish has released thousands of honeybees. > > RCMP say as many as 250,000 bees were set free when the tractor trailer > transporting them Tuesday struck a bridge near Antigonish. > > Police have since closed the stretch of the road near the accident and > are asking residents to stay away. > > They're also urging residents not to panic, because the bees are just > garden-variety and shouldn't pose a threat to anyone. > > Bee experts have been brought to the scene in an attempt to round-up the > wayward insects. Hey! Nova Scotia, stop stealing the plot of my unfinished masterpiece, a slapstick musical comedy farce, modestly titled "BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!"! At least wait until I finish filming all six hours of it! It's about twenty-eight big celebrities who take two cars cross-country with thousands of bees that slowly escape from their crates because Humphrey Bogart said they would split two thousand dollars if they delivered the bees to the exact center of the world's largest trapezoid in Santa Vaca. BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Bob Hope Dean Martin Jackie Gleason Charlie Callas Andy Dick Dick van Dyke Orson Welles !!! THE !!! MARX !!! BROTHERS !!! Johnny Carson Rip Taylor ALSO STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Danny Thomas David Garroway William Holden Ernie Kovacs Lenny Bruce Art Carney Peter Sellers Tennessee Ernie Ford Andy Griffith Harvey Lembeck Earl Holliman Cesar Romero Emil Sitka Ernest Borgnine Joey Adams Harry Langdon Burgess Meredith Trygve Lund Soupy Sales Truman Bradley Senor Wences Lou Costello Stepin Fetchit with SPECIAL APPEARANCES in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Harold Lloyd Lord Mountbatten Charles Van Doren Ronald Reagan William Frawley Doodles Weaver AND as the WOMEN Judy Garland Shelly Winters Katharine Hepburn Imogene Coca Mae West Spring Buyington and ALSO APPEARING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Humphrey Bogart I swear on a stack of bee-filled Bibles that you will flee the theater while singing the theme song, which is used in the movie whenever comedy happens! And just wait 'til you see the wacky animated title sequence which is even funnier than the movie! Just imagine how funny this will look: [lyrics to "THEME FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.] BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! BEES! There are BEES! BEES BEES BEES! There are BEES BEES BEES BEES *BOOM* BEES!!! (kazoo solo) BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! You can BEE a FLOWER you can BEE a COWARD You can BEE a HERO or BEE Emp'ror NERO You can BEE a POWER or BEE a lawn-MOWER You can BEE a WEIRDO or BEE Joan MIRO It's a hundred-course dessert for YOU with BEES and PI-ES and BEES and FRI-ES and BEES and PE-AS and BEES and DIS-EASE for YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! You can BEE a ROBOT you can BEE a HOT SHOT You can BEE a WEEVIL or BEE tot'lly EVIL You can BEE a PARROT you can BEE a CARROT You can BEE a WEINER or BEE a window CLEANER We've a smorgasbord of comedy for YOU with BEES and BE-ANS and BEES and GRE-ENS and BEES and SA-UCE and BEES and FL-OSS BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! You can BEE a PICKLE or BEE a wooden NICKEL You can BEE a GIRAFFE or BEE a fine CARAFE You can BEE a SICKLE or BEE a mere TRICKLE You can BEE a SERAPH or BEE another GIRAFFE We're serving this souffle of BEES with BEES and BA-CON and BEES and POP-CORN and BEES and CHE-EESE and BEES and GRE-EASE BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! And this joyous little ditty is played during each of the intermissions: [lyrics to "INTERMISSION FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.] Now GO to the LOBBY to DO your HOBBY or GO to the POTTY pet YOUR dog SPOTTY BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! THE INTERMISSION! (ten-minute kazoo solo) The movie really shifts into high gear once the first bee escapes from the crate, about ninety minutes into it. And wait'll you see what happens when TWO bees get loose! It all builds up to the greatest mayhem ever shown on the silver screen as hundreds of celebrities drive around the desert in a flaming car FILLED WITH BEES! BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! NOT FOR STEALING! -- K. You can BEE in Nova SCOTIA or BEE in a big exPLOSION Don't MESS with my MOVIE or I'll KILL you in a DOOZY with my BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB! ////////// END OF RE-RUN, AHHHH /////////////////////////////////////// I was seriously planning to write several scenes from that movie, but I thought sitting through the theme song was enough torture for anyone, and besides, writing that made the songs I was parodying start running through my head, and yes, the intermission music from "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" does actually contain the lyric "go to the LOBBY to do your HOBBY" but the difference is that that movie _doesn't_ star a cameo appearance by wax figurines representing two of the five Marx Brothers so mine's better, and also, mine has twice as much funny if you consider that bees equal funny. -- K. If bees didn't exist, the funniest insect would be the shrimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped! Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 13:52:46 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > THAT is funny. I'm constantly shocked at how low ARKites opinions are > > of me. Probably shouldn't be, but I am. > > My opinion of you goes over your head. My opinion of you can also go over your head, but it has a little safety warning icon to make you not do that because I don't want to get sued if you're stupid enough to suffocate yourself by using my opinion as an autoerotic asphyxia device. -- K. And remember, you can't spell "opinion" without "onion" times "pi". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped! Date: Thu, 17 Jun 2004 01:31:58 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > Subject: Re: 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia > > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > Date: 2000/07/05 > > I can't believe it was that long ago. Sob! It was only last millennium! It's not like I travelled back in time to 498 BC to post it while impressing people with my manly orange beard! > > STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER > > Bob Hope > > Art Carney > > Earl Holliman > > Burgess Meredith > > Ronald Reagan > > Katharine Hepburn > > ... Do you realize how many people you killed by putting them in your > movie? To say nothing of the uncountable millions who wish they were dead now that they've seen it twice! > > Spring Buyington > > I think I chewed you out about this already. Also, I had an enormous > crush on you for about 15 seconds because you knew who Spring Byington was. There's something about her name that makes it physically painful for me to spell it correctly. I don't understand it either. I imagine that she looks like a purple mannequin with the transparent red wormhole from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" coming out of her forehead, in the middle of a church, because the very concept that she ever existed with a name like that is not only too weird for me to comprehend, but is also too weird for me to not comprehend. I envision her as a complex mixture of a chrono-synclastic infundibulum, antimatter, and a cup of pink Snack Pack pudding that tastes yellow. > [...] > > > a cameo appearance by wax figurines representing two of the five > > Marx Brothers > > Poor Zeppo, remembered only by Kibo in bad bee parodies. And let's not forget the only Marx Sister, Spring Marx, who, if she existed, would not be remembered even by me, so it's good that she didn't exist because it means I can make her up. -- K. And how is this supposed to cure that damn song that's been running through my head since last night? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bee alert! Bee alert! The bees have escaped! Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 03:08:01 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! > > > > STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER > > How many people appearing in this movie have DIED since you first posted > this on 5 July 2000? > > Starting with Bob Hope and proceeding in alphabetical order, of course. Well, there's the Marx Brothers... I guess the big question is, why were all these people in my brain in 2000, and why haven't I forgotten any of these people since then? I mean, Spring Buyington? Harvey Lembeck? My brain sucks. It can only remember stuff I should've never learned in the first place. Maybe the fact that I'm missing my Fusiform Face Area is what created room for all these used-to-have-been-has-beens. They're all jammed into that little spot on the bottom of the right side of my brain. (If someone ever gives me a functional MRI scan to look for a lesion there, I promise to think about Spring Buyington to see if that spot lights up. Then someone will win the Nobel Prize for discovering where Spring Buyington is stored.) Also, I'm not sure whether I would have appeared in a cameo role in the movie had I actually completed it. Maybe Andy Dick would have been playing me instead. He's a big silly, and very special. -- K. I bet he's missing _lots_ of fusiforms and otherforms from his brain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Durians Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 13:15:19 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I need to find a vendor that sells durians so that I can eat them. > Does anyone know of a mainstream franchise that sells them? > > -- S. > It has to be a franchise, so that it's CONVENIENT. > > See the movie Supersize Me. If you're going to eat nothing but durians for a month, I want to see that movie. From about ten miles away. -- K. The good thing about durians is that they're all super-size. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Electricity (was: Website Idea For Stealing) Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 13:30:02 -0400 David (thedavid@shell.rawbw.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [addressing Kibo] > > > > Dude, you're the one into consensual S&M torture devices. > > If it's consensual how can it be torture? Dear person who asks really f'ing stupid questions, Assume the consensual part. M asks S to flog 'em until past the screaming point, until they're completely insensate and drooling and all the other good stuff. S says, "Are you sure?" and M says, "Yes, please begin so we can finish before 'Star Trek' comes on." And then the fun begins. That consensual. But how could it _not_ be torture? If it's not torture, someone's got really bad aim with that flogger. "Oops! I was merely hitting your collection of Beanie Babies for the past two hours! Sorry about not torturing you!" > > As we all know, everyone into S&M secretly worships evil and > > cuts people off in the passing lane. I don't have a car. However, Lots, if you want to see me cut someone off, hold down David while I get the pinking shears. -- K. ("secretly"?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Damn, I have Ayn Rand in hand. Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 13:43:02 -0400 I recently received two books from one Mr. Factitious. One was a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged". It is over a thousand pages of tiny, boring print. The other is a book on how to raise goats for milk. It promises to be far more interesting than the dictionary-length militant lesbian Communist fascist science fiction goat-free rantifesto. Included in the package was a small plastic M&Ms character figure of "Red", with detachable baseball cap. However, efforts to put his cap on facing the correct way were thwarted by the fact that his eyebrows were painted on the back of his cap. This was way too "cool" for me so I gave him away. Also in the package was an Allen wrench (also known as a hex key.) I don't know how or why it got into the box, but if my suspicions about your suspicions are correct, I would like to remind the peanut gallery that I was _not_ the one who called the sex-toy store about the chastity belt. There was also a non-adhesive version of Post-It note (attached by clothespin) which said kind things about me, but I will not recount them here because that would involve using my memory, and since the note had kind things on two sides that would be too hard. Oh, all right, I'll go get the note from the other room and tell you what it said. It said: "Here is the book you requested. Now you have to write about it." And on the back, "PS: Please post on a.r.k more often. Those other people are boring." (And someone with spare copies of Ayn Rand books knows boring!) The last item was the aforementioned clothespin, which I will put into my bucket of clothespins for future use. Oh, and there was also one piece of candy, one of those disc-shaped peppermint hard candy things I imagine they give out in the Christian Science Reading Room. As opposed to the Ayn Rand Reading Room, where they give you steel ball bearings to chew. Thanks, Mr. Factitious, whoever you are. I shall eventually write something resembling a book report, possibly even concerning this horrible book. Either that, or I will prevent myself from having to read the book by calling a general strike of all the important people in the world except the ones who make sitcoms so that we can all just sit around watching amusing sitcoms. -- K. My next request: Can someone please send me the Cliff's Notes for "Atlas Shrugged"? If you need to know which edition I have, it's the extra- boring one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn, I have Ayn Rand in hand. Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 12:38:00 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Ben Heaton (bh003m@mail.rochester.edu) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Included in the package [with an Ayn Rand book] was a small plastic > > > M&Ms character figure of "Red", with detachable baseball cap. > > > > Is "Red" actually his name? I thought it was just a description of him, > > used for identification purposes. That would be nothing like a name. > > "There is nothing like a naaaaame > nothing in the wooooorld > There is nothing you can" violent warping, apparently of epistemological origin, and ceases to make > recognizable noises> Okay, now that David has volunteered to perform the rest of his one-man show, "Ayn Rand! A Musical Journey: The Musical!" (with guest appearance by that creepy guy who _really_ likes Nikolai Tesla from the Museum of Science) there's no way I can say or do anything about "Atlas Shrugged" to top that. Curse you, David, for making it impossible for me to adequately mock Ayn Rand. Because of you, Ayn Rand is unmockable! YOU RUINED AYN RAND FOR ME! -- K. You're gonna get such a hug. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn, I have Ayn Rand in hand. Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 12:31:26 -0400 Ben Heaton (bh003m@mail.rochester.edu), aka the Factitious one, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I recently received two books from one Mr. Factitious. [...] > > One was a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged". It is over a > > thousand pages of tiny, boring print. > > > > The other is a book on how to raise goats for milk. It promises > > to be far more interesting than the dictionary-length militant lesbian > > Communist fascist science fiction goat-free rantifesto. > > I hope you enjoy the goat book. It used to belong to a kind neighbor of > mine. After she died, I was allowed to go through her books and choose > some for myself. "How To Raise Milk Goats the Modern Way" seemed odd > enough to come in handy, and as we both know now, it did. Of course, the fact that most of the chapter headings are in Linotype Baskerville but the heading of the Acknowledgements page is in foundry Baskerville bothered me. > > Also in the package was an Allen wrench (also known as a hex key.) > > I don't know how or why it got into the box, but if my suspicions > > about your suspicions are correct, I would like to remind the peanut > > gallery that I was _not_ the one who called the sex-toy store about > > the chastity belt. > > Oddly enough, I sent that before I even read about the chastity belt! > Coincidence, or something more? So when are you sending the rest of the chastity belt, and why? > > (And someone with spare copies of Ayn Rand books knows boring!) > > It wasn't a spare copy. I am now entirely without Ayn Rand books. How do > you feel about that? I don't know what to think of someone who has more chastity belts than Ayn Rand books. It's such a contradiction. > > [...] Oh, and there was also one piece of candy, one of those > > disc-shaped peppermint hard candy things I imagine they give out > > in the Christian Science Reading Room. As opposed to the Ayn Rand > > Reading Room, where they give you steel ball bearings to chew. > > What do people get in the Kibo Reading Room? First off, it's not a Reading Room, it's a TV Room. Second, what people get is the willies. > [...] > I've had that book for years, and felt I needed to send it away. > Otherwise, the chances of accidentally starting to read it some day would > be too high. The disturbing thing is that I can't remember how I got it. > Is it possible for some books to go through an airborne spore phase, > spreading to distant bookshelves without the knowledge of the owner? Ayn Rand's spores don't travel that way. They are covertly distributed by The Rand Corporation, a prestigious "think tank" which is actually a panzer division of 5,000 tanks remotely controlled by the Trilateral Commission, which is a division of Betty Crocker. Speaking of conspiracies and fraus, I just got an E-mail claiming to be from eBay which informed me that, to prevent identity theft, if I did not go to eBay's totally real non-fake Web site at http://box4.bluehost.com/~antifrau/ and type in every credit card number I had, I would be punished: -> If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to -> temporally suspend your account. Oh no! I'm going to be put under temporal suspension! ...sion! ...sion! Help! I am trapped in an eBay time loop! ...loop! ...loop! Now I'm seeing the same sort of crap auctioned over and over! ...over! ...over! -- K. Shazbot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Thai Transvestites Tell Terrible Toilet Trouble Tale. Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 14:18:07 -0400 [from www.iol.co.za] -> -> School relieves cross-dressing toilet trouble -> -> June 18 2004 at 11:57AM -> -> Bangkok -- Snubbed by both men and women, transvestite students at -> the Chiang Mai Technology School just wanted a restroom to call -> their own -- and were granted their wish. -> -> Dubbed the Pink Lotus Bathroom, the facility is exclusively for the -> school's 15 transvestite students and features four stalls, but no -> urinals. On the door hangs a sign with intertwined male and female -> symbols. You mean the two symbols are doin' it? That sounds hot! -> "They would come in the morning and use the women's bathrooms, but -> the women were annoyed, didn't like it or played pranks on them," -> said Posaporn Promprakai, registrar of the school in Chiang Mai -> province, about 580 kilometers (360 miles) north of Bangkok. -> -> The transvestites -- who must wear male attire at school but are -> allowed to sport girlie hairdos -- switched to the men's bathrooms, -> only to run into more trouble. -> -> "The men teased them, chased them, and they came screaming and in -> tears again," Posaporn told The Associated Press. Know what confuses me about this article? The writer never once tells us whether Posaporn Promprakai is a "he" or a "she". And I need to know! It's the most important thing anyone could know about anyone! I won't know whether or not to be rude to Posaporn without knowing his or her gender! How am I supposed to make fun of his or her name now? -> So Posaporn designated a lavatory just for them, telling the -> vocational school's 1,500 students to just use their own restrooms. -> -> The transvestite bathroom opened last fall, but this week attracted -> the notice of local media. Gays, cross-dressers and transsexuals are -> generally accepted in easygoing Thai society. Unfortunately, Thai schools are not considered part of Thai society. Maybe they should just have divided up the bathrooms into "people who generally accept people who are different" and "people who don't but for some reason live in Thailand anyway". Of course, then you still might have the problem of two male homophobes in the same bathroom, and then they'd have to look at each other's weiners. More on this important matter later. In the meantime, try not to think about how hard it is not to think about other men's weiners. -> "We don't support their decision to be transvestites. We are just -> trying to solve the problems of one group that is unhappy at -> school," said Posaporn. "They don't get teased in the bathroom -> anymore. They're much happier." In my view, your gender orientation is defined purely by which bathroom you choose. So you're not a _real_ transvestite unless you use the bathroom that matches your clothes. If school rules require you to dress like a man from the neck down but you have a glamorous, feminine hairdo, you should cut a hole between the men's room and the women's room and go into the men's room but stick your head into the women's room so that everyone will be comfortable. Hey, what about men who not only don't want to see weiners but are also so pee-shy that they can't even go in a stall if someone else might be listening to them tinkling? Shouldn't each of them get their own private restroom? (I'm asking on behalf of some guy I know.) -- K. Of course, that's contrary to the International Paruresis Organization's official advice on overcoming pee-shyness, "The most commonly used treatment for bashful bladder involves the individual gradually attempting to urinate in more and more difficult locations." And now you know why the Space Shuttle has those weird suction toilets. NASA is training astronauts to pee in the most difficult locations throughout the galaxy to cover up the shameful fact that all astronauts are pee-shy, and can only pee when they're at home wearing their favorite spacesuit. P.S. Short shameful confession: I recently discovered that the best place to buy manly, macho, butch mirrorshades was at Dorothy's Boutique, the local transvestite-supply store. Is it okay to wear their sunglasses if I'm a man dressed in men's clothing, or am I violating some sort of weird taboo that will lead to me getting hit with Ruth Buzzi's purse? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Thai Transvestites Tell Terrible Toilet Trouble Tale. Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 23:52:14 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from www.paruresis.org] > > > > "The most commonly used treatment for > > bashful bladder involves the individual > > gradually attempting to urinate in more > > and more difficult locations." > > ...Do we get a panel of judges that hold up degree-of-difficulty-adjusted > scorecards? Yes, all wearing yellow rain slickers and clear plastic umbrella hats. The other part of that Web page that may help you make some wiseacre comment: "Once you are successful in starting your urine, have your partner slowly move closer to you until you are able to urinate with him directly behind you. (Note: women do not have to do this step.)" > > P.S. Short shameful confession: I recently discovered that the best > > place to buy manly, macho, butch mirrorshades was at Dorothy's Boutique, > > the local transvestite-supply store. Is it okay to wear their sunglasses > > if I'm a man dressed in men's clothing, or am I violating some sort of > > weird taboo that will lead to me getting hit with Ruth Buzzi's purse? > > They're for people who want to dress up as men; I +don't+ see what the > +problem+ is, he said archly. "Archly"? You said that while drawing atoms all over your homemade cape? I guess you're right, the store might have the manly-man sunglasses just for the drag kings. Of course, if regular stores like Target weren't so sissified, the drag kings could just buy plain old menswear there, because all women can fit into men's clothes (especially sunglasses), but Target doesn't have any good sunglasses. Drag queens must have more of a problem, because it's hard to find women's shoes in men's sizes except for unisex fireboots, and those are definitely not feminine because who ever heard of a "firewoman"? So it's good that Dorothy's Boutique provides one-stop shopping for anyone who wants to dress like anyone of either gender, and also they have sunglasses just for me to dress like me. YAY FOR ME! I'M ME AND NOW WITH THESE COOL SUNGLASSES I'M EVEN MORE LIKE ME! -- K. I just got that leather jacket I ordered -- the one with the flames running up it, and matching chaps -- and everything fits great. The flames turned out to be orange rather than red, but that's fine because I like having my body's automotive detailing matching my sunglasses. I need a hood ornament for my hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Technical and other very important questions Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2004 00:06:52 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I've have some images on a CD. Some are jpg,some are in pdf format. > I've been trying unsuccessfully now,for what seems like forever tonight, > to save one of the pdf files into a jpeg file. > How do I do it? Can it even be done? Am I wasting my time? Why isn't > it working for me? If they're PDFs written by Photoshop, then Photoshop can probably open then. If they were written by something else, open them in Acrobat Reader and make screendumps. There are weird little tools for taking apart PDFs object-by-object to get at the data inside, but they're not for the faint of heart. > Why is it so freaking hot outside? It's been pretty nice here lately. T-shirt weather by day, leather weather by night. > Why doesn't anyone know Kibo's real hair color? Brownish-black. But it shall never be seen again. Choosing your own color rules! Also, brownish-black clashes with all my new clothes. > Do these pants make my butt look too big? I tried to E-mail you the answer, but it bounced, so I'll have to tell you in public: Sorry, I can't tell if your butt looks big while my view is blocked -- you'll have to move those two beanbag chairs. > Thanks.I'm done venting now. If those pants make your butt do that, they're definitely too tight. -- K. Note how I avoided mentioning Charlie Rocket by name. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Lesbian Leather Fetish 7568 Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2004 03:45:21 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > karenross@dsl.frognet.net wrote: > > > > > > Ive posted some pics of my girlfriend in her new black leather > > > cat suit here for you to enjoy mmnltdrxocrecvyictqdikrddsxfdmnxm > > > > You call that a URL? I even tried Rot13'ing it and I still couldn't > > find the address! > > besides, postings about leather fetishes are ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE for > this newsgroup. Mark, shut up or I'll weld your lips together. Let the woman do whatever she wants as long as she wears that catsuit. Are you one of those weirdos who kept writing letters to Patrick Macnee telling him to fire Diana Rigg and do the show all by himself? Did you go to see "Batman Returns" just to look at the Batmobile? Were you sending lots of telegrams to "Star Trek: Voyager" telling Seven Of Nine to put on a granny dress like a normal cyborg? Do you wish Sorayama Hajime would just draw pictures of three rocks? If so, keep your lips welded together so the happy woman can model her exciting new catsuit for us. Also, how come none of you people has told me whether Garbled Catsuit Lesbian likes to sleep with gay guys with bright orange hair? I need information about such things ALL THE TIME! -- K. If the last movie that had a catsuit that turned you on was "Garfield", keep that to yourself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Note to self Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 01:00:41 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > Do not eat noodle cups near keyboards anymore. Friggin' elbows! Have you considered eating only edible products, and not the cups containing same? Also, if your noodle cup is full of friggin' elbows, return it to the store and demand long skinny noodles that belong in a cup. Elbows are for when you'd rather make your lunch into a 3-D picture of a doodle of the Mona Lisa than eat it. Oh, and also, don't frig with your elbows. -- K. No fifty strokes with a wet noodle for you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chester Cheetah The Jerk Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 01:08:47 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So accoring to thise one Cheetos commercial I saw, it's okay to destroy > a man's art if said man is snooty What about destroying a man's snoot if he's arty? What about destroying a man's arse if he's snoozy? What about destroying a man's newt if he's Snoopy? What about just me destroying all the Cheetos in the world except for those weird Asian ones with no cheez on them, eh? Answer my questions or I'll throw your Cheetos on the floor and stomp on them. Then, go to your window, open your window, go to your window and yell: I'M MAD AS HELL AT ROOTIN' TOOTIN' SNOOTY DUDES' ARTS AND FARCES! -- K. I hear that Chester Cheetah is the Pink Panther in drag. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chester Cheetah The Jerk Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 01:35:17 -0400 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So accoring to thise one Cheetos commercial I saw, it's okay to > > destroy a man's art if said man is snooty > > I get my entire sense of right and wrong from Cheetos commercials. When I was a kid, I got my entire sense of right and wrong from Batman, Superman, Kirk, and Jack Webb. Also, I got some of my fashion sense from Kirk and some of my sexual orientation from Batman and some of my repression of same from Jack Webb and of course I got my entire physique from Superman. But I don't see what your point has to do with the fact that every half hour, I solve all my problems with a series of roundhouse punches followed by a pun and then a lesson in civics. That's where my sense of social justice comes from. My sense of social satire comes from "Sesame Street" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus", with a little Benny Hill thrown in to mitigate any dangerously non-conformist impulses caused by Jim Henson. Of course, if I had been growing up a decade later, I would have instead been raised by Max Headroom and the "Flash Gordon" movie. And then I would have been as screwed up as, say, someone who wears a "WWCCD" bracelet to remind themselves to ask, "What Would Chester Cheetah Do?" -- K. And if I were growing up _now_, I'd be learning all my life lessons from the cast of "Lexx", not to mention "Office Space", "Pulp Fiction", "Fight Club", and DVDs of everything else that ever existed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Everything I need to know, I learned from "Pulp Fiction". (was: Chester Cheetah The Jerk) Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 12:56:55 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And if I were growing up > > _now_, I'd be learning all > > my life lessons from the > > cast of "Lexx", not to > > mention "Office Space", > > "Pulp Fiction", "Fight Club", > > and DVDs of everything > > else that ever existed. > > Hmm. The last three boil down to 'Violence is ok if it's against jerks' Oh really? Then what did the poor Gimp do to deserve getting his face punched in by Bruce Willis? That must have spoiled the fun for him. Especially with his disability of being unable to scream loud despite being in a zipper-mouth hood _without_ a gag. Does Bruce Willis go around beating up people who don't know how to scream adequately loud? Is he working for Pee-wee Herman? Is Jambi Pee-wee's Gimp? "Pulp Fiction" has several other more important morals too, such as: Always keep a cardiac needle in your fridge. Never make Pop-Tarts during a gunfight. If a head explodes in your car, you can make it spotless with paper towels. Buy the biggest watch you can, just to annoy Christopher Walken. McDonalds sucks just as much everywhere in the world. The Batusi is the coolest dance ever. Fonzie is cooler than the Batusi. Steve Buscemi is not Buddy Holly, and you are not Mary Tyler Moore. Pat may actually be played by a woman. John Travolta is stupid at 4:20. It's always 4:20. -- K. That reminds me, I need to ask Christopher Walken to check what time it still is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Robots in the news, sadly, no rampage. Date: Sun, 20 Jun 2004 13:48:01 -0400 [from news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Top honour for robot heroes -> -> Five mechanical marvels are to be honoured in a hall of fame for -> their contribution to robotic history. -> -> The tin-filled hall of fame at Carnegie Mellon University will be -> graced with Honda's Asimo bot, Shakey the Robot, Astroboy, C3PO and -> Robby the Robot. -> -> They were hand-picked by a panel of robot-lovers, including sci-fi -> legend Arthur C Clarke. I'm not sure he could best be described as a "robot-lover", unless they make robots that look like teenage boys with nut-brown skin. -> The android heroes will be officially taking their place in the -> Robot Hall of Fame at a special ceremony in October. -> -> Last year, the Mars explorer Sojourner, the assembly line Unimate, -> Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey and R2-D2 from Star Wars were -> inducted. Because they included HAL 9000, they had to leave C-3PO out because they have a limit of one gay robot per year. -> "The jury discussed this year's candidates at length and has made -> some excellent choices," said James Morris, founder of the Robot -> Hall of Fame. -> -> "I'm happy to see some older, historically important robots like -> Shakey and Robby joining the newer ones like Asimo and C3PO." Newer? C-3PO is the oldest one of the bunch! He was born a long time ago in a galaxy far far away! And he was personally assembled by Darth Vader from scrap metal despite the fact that he looks just like various other robots and neither he nor Darth Vader recognized each other throughout the original three movies and why the hell did Baby Darth decide to build a useless bitch-queen "protocol droid"? -> [...] -> -> Another film icon, Forbidden Planet's Robby, was chosen in -> recognition of its personality, and enduring place in science fiction. Robby was from back before scientists figured out a way to make robots gay. Robby was a hard-drinkin' laser-totin' strongman. C-3PO, on the other hand, knew how to say "creme brulee'" in 387 languages but couldn't lift anything heavier than a doily. Also C-3PO was the first robot to cry whenever his pants made his butt look fat. -> They are to be joined by Japan's cult cartoon figure, Astroboy -> (once known as Atom Boy). He is akin to a metallic version of -> Pinocchio because he is a robot with a soul. Hey, Astro Boy stole that from Brent Spiner! Of course, Mr. Spiner's "Mr. Data" character isn't eligible to be in the Robot Hall Of Fame because he insists he's not a "robot", he's an "android", and besides, he's already been inducted into the Guy Who Has An IQ Of Ten Zillion But Still Can't Use Contractions hall of fame. -> Robots had to be nominated and the jury -- made up of prominent names -> in science and technology -- made its final choice during an -> international telephone and web conference. They didn't ask _me_. I would have nominated Hero of Alexandria's robotic Punch & Judy puppets. Also the drinking bird he invented for the world's first Spencer Gifts store, though nobody noticed because they were all busy dealing with that Jesus guy. How come the Bible doesn't have more stuff about the cool robots they had back then? I would also have nominated Bender from "Futurama" for being the funniest robot ever. Besides, Robby needs a drinkin' buddy to keep him company while they're surrounded by all those sissy robots like C-3PO and HAL and Brian The Brain. If Bender's not available, the other way to macho up the museum would be to send in Majel Barrett. -> The special induction ceremony will be held at the hall of fame on -> 11 October, barring any short-circuits. What if it's called off on account of dopiness? -- K. They should also nominate Tobor, the robot who could do nothing but type "TOBOR IS ROBOT SPELLED BACKWARDS" over and over. He didn't do it well, but you must admit, no other robot has ever bothered doing it at all. And what about the Tetra Links from "Demon Seed"? Surely strangling Gerrit Graham must count for something! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently flaky pastries are the new recruitment incentive. Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 02:39:36 -0400 "Hot Pockets is going fruity!" No, that's not an ad for a the gay version of "M*A*S*H", that's what my TV just said to advertise microwavable toaster pastry with artificial jellied red filling. And this commercial wasn't even on any of the all-gay channels such as E! or Spike. It was even accompanied by a chorus shouting "WOO!" when Hot Pockets came out of the closet into the microwave. Welcome to the second half of 2004, where advertisers are now actually trying to convince you their food products are really, really gay. Starting now, it's officially better to be gay than to be straight. (For the first half of 2004, the two were merely equal.) After all, as Hot Pockets goes, so goes the nation. Heck, according to that commercial, being gay is even better than subject-verb agreement. I predict that Rice-A-Roni will resume using their old tagline ("the San Francisco treat") which they dropped in the 1980s because, you know, they had to reassure people that _those_ people in _that_ city didn't touch your box of Rice-A-Roni and get AIDS cooties all over the cardboard. This time they'll advertise it as a product that turns you gay on contact (available in two new flavors: white rice is the Castro treat and shiny black wild rice in the Folsom treat.) And that commercial where the orange juice turns Popeye gay will come back, except not so subtle this time ("I YAM GAY 'CAUSE I DRINKS MY O.J.! TOOT TOOT!") Now if you'll excuse me, I must go tell www.CommercialCloset.org that Hot Pockets is going fruity, because that commercial are noteworthy. -- K. Me am hungry now. Bizarro Hulk say Hot Pockets am better than Hostess Fruit Pies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently flaky pastries are the new recruitment incentive. Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 14:22:13 -0400 Ben Heaton (bh003m@mail.rochester.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I predict that Rice-A-Roni will resume using their old > > tagline ("the San Francisco treat") [...] > > This time they'll advertise it as a product that turns you > > gay on contact (available in two new flavors: white rice is > > the Castro treat and shiny black wild rice in the Folsom treat.) > > I was in San Francisco yesterday, and took some tourist friends to ride > the cable cars. The conductor at one point announced "Standing passengers > should hold onto the leather ankle restraints above you," referring to the > straps used as handholds. "The ride will continue until you let go." > This didn't get much of a reaction, so he added, "This is a kinky town," > making it clear that a joke was taking place. Everyone laughed. And then, it slowly sank in that the "joke" was painfully serious. > If anyone wants to reply to this with more San Francisco-related jokes, > remember that the guy operating a cable car is known as a "gripman". In Boston, he's a "motorman", even if he's a girl. They find that less demeaning than being called a "driver", because of course they don't want people to think they're the same as those Boston idiots who get Weekend Intersection Narcoplepsy outside the Alewife garage. -- K. And Boston's ankle restraints are stainless steel, covered in stains. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Apparently flaky pastries are the new recruitment incentive. Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 01:32:00 -0400 [concerning the new Hot Pockets ad campaign telling us they're "going fruity"] Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Welcome to the second half of 2004, where advertisers are > > now actually trying to convince you their food products > > are really, really gay. Starting now, it's officially > > better to be gay than to be straight. > > Wait until 2005, when the ONLY way of avoiding some hideous form of > "national service" will be a "gay marriage". Food science is so avant! Hey, already, if you have a same-sex marriage, you can't file a joint tax return. Therefore you have an excuse to never pay taxes again. And if you can't pay taxes, you don't have to perform any sort of "national service", whether that be military duty or something even more horrible like figuring out which bozo to vote for. By the way, the Hot Pockets Web site ( http://www.hotpockets.com ) has a big ad on its front page saying "Hot Pockets brand is going fruity!" At least by inserting the word "brand" in their slogan, they have an excuse for sidestepping the whole "is-vs-are for a product whose brand name is a collective noun" debate. However, sticking "brand" in there makes the slogan even more jarring than the inclusion of the effeminate brand homosexual reference. -- K. And Spot Pockets are now doggy-style! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More fine bumper stickers sighted Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 03:09:34 -0400 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > Subject: More fine bumper stickers sighted > > Same vehicle - they said: > > "I'm smiling. This should scare you." > "What Would Pontius Pilate Do?" Thank you for just referring to it as a "vehicle" so as not to let everyone know I can't afford a real car. It's rather embarrassing to have to put my bumper stickers on a subway car. Speaking of those of us who don't have any actual vehicles, I'm thinking of starting a motorcycle gang just for alt.religion.kibology people who don't have motorcycles (anyone who has a real motorcycle will be disqualified and asked to join a less silly motorcycle gang.) But I can't think of a good name for the gang. Something like "A.R.K ANGELS" except without the pun, and definitely no logo showing a winged Indiana Jones riding a winged Ark of The Covenant. Any ideas? I still want to get the Kibology Pride Flag off the ground, too, but perhaps our air-motorcycle gang can use the same symbology (a "K" made of bacon, stepping on a bee in a balloon) as our colors. That would suggest a name like "BALLOON BUSTERS" or "BEE STOMPERS" or "BACON STINGERS" except less cute. So, no pun, no cute, suggest a name. -- K. The imaginary motorcycle gang can provide security for my imaginary rock band when they play the imaginary Altamont I always have in my head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: bumper stickers) Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 23:53:33 -0400 James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Any ideas? > > Although it's kinda cute, the Stone Donkeys.. i.e hard asses. NO CUTE. Cute is for people who don't even have imaginary choppers. Sheesh. Here, let me paste in the contents of my brainstorming worksheet to show you people an actual creative process in action: -> "COOTIE CATCHERS" -> -> "SOUR PUSSIES" -> -> "EVIL WEENIES" -> -> "HELLBERRY" -> -> "PANTSLESS PIRATES" -> -> "BAD CONEHEADS" -> -> "FLAMING MUPPETS" -> -> "ADULT GENIUSES" Those are too cute. -> "ROTO-RIDERS" -> -> "TOAD RASH" -> -> "THE ODDPIECES" Those are too pun-like. Need something more sinister and/or disgusting: -> "ARK'S ASSHOLES" -> -> "UNHOLY CLENCH" -> -> "HACKSAW'S GOONS" -> -> "HACKSAW'S FONZIES" -> -> "HACKSKULLS" -> -> "BACON LORDS" -> -> "MENACING MANHANDLERS" -> -> "CHAIN CLOWNS" -> -> "KIBO'S BASTARDS" -> -> "BACON HERPES" -> -> "LORDS OF THE (T)" -> -> "RADIOACTIVE RODENTS" -> -> "LOS DESTRUCTOS" -> -> "THE FELCHERS" -> -> "THE HARLAN ELLISONS" It's just too bad a 1969 movie already called dibs on "SATAN'S SADISTS". I like "HACKSKULLS" the best, because that way the colors could have a nice logo of a skull being lobotomized with a Sears product. Plus it's only vaguely pun-like, just enough that we get to stomp anyone who accuses it of being pun-like. "LORDS OF THE (T)" is an interesting idea -- instead of an imaginary biker gang, I could start the world's first subway gang. However, to join, you'd have to be in a city that uses the circle-T logo for its mass transit system, such as Boston or St. Paul. The main downside would be that people would mistake us for a helpful and pleasant group like the Guardian Angels. -- K. Still, this is easier than the time I founded the Rosicrucians. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: bumper stickers) Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 14:45:37 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So, no pun, no cute, suggest a name. > > > > "Hell's Jerkstoves" > > Asshat Apiary. I said, no cute! Why must you people persist in noticing how incredibly cute I am? I need something with more of a "Look At Me And Die" vibe, suitable for writing on a denim jacket with the sleeves torn off, preferably in hard-to-read letters that require lots of looking at. Nobody's getting into my new gang until someone comes up with a good non-cute name. -- K. Cute is for people who aren't in imaginary gangs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More fine bumper stickers sighted Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 13:48:30 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still want to get the Kibology Pride Flag off the ground, too, > > If the Kibology Pride Flag touches the ground, you have to burn > it! Using napalm, I think, otherwise it's a desecration. Yes, but our flag is also completely fireproof, made out of a mixture of asbestos and those peas that stay frozen in the corner of your TV dinner. This is why we're passing a Constitutional amendment that it's illegal to burn the flag -- because doing so would violate the laws of physics. > > So, no pun, no cute, suggest a name [for a.r.k imaginary cycle gang]. > > THE BACONS I SAID NO CUTE! -- K. All the good names are already taken by Manic Panic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pre-emptive Obvious Bag opening. Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 04:48:42 -0400 I recently got a new jacket, and my first pair of biker-style chaps. I felt I needed a pair of leather chaps. I'm not wild about chaps, but I know people who are, and it'll add a little variety to my current clothing palette. But because I'm not as into chaps as a lot of people, and because leather is usually way overpriced, and because I'm skinny, I had to do a lot of looking before I found some in a style I liked, at a reasonable price, in a size I can wear. I saw them and immediately ordered them because I have no self-control when it comes to looking cool. The chaps are black (of course)... with bright orange flames running up from the bottom. There's a matching jacket, too. This outfit should co-ordinate well with the colors my hair and beard often are. Everything fits perfectly (the jacket has big shoulders and a small waist, just like me) and is visibly dangerous from a mile away. More orange flames than George Lucas's entire auto collection. Already I'm pre-emptively planning to be sick of pun-like comments involving the word "flaming". Will it be easier if I just hold the Obvious Bag open so everyone can line up in size place and march inside in an orderly fashion? (Oh, and the Obvious Bag isn't made of burlap any more.) -- K. At least because this outfit isn't solid black, Schwarzenegger won't steal my clothes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Educational Blood In The News Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 14:22:39 -0400 [from cnn.netscape.cnn.com] -> -> Boy Writes Apology in Blood for Dozing in Class -> -> TOKYO (Reuters) -- A Japanese teenager was forced by his teacher to -> write an apology in blood after dozing in the classroom, the -> school's principal said on Monday. Once again, the reporter has failed to tell us what we really want to know -- sure, he had to write an apology in blood, but... his or theirs? Dear reporter, Next time we need to know things like that by the end of the _first_ sentence. Oh, and headlines count as sentences. -> The teacher later went to high school principal Hiroaki Dan and -> confessed what he had done, Dan told Reuters. And then the teacher had to write an apology in blood! And then someone called a reporter about it! And the reporter wrote this article in blood! Blood! Blooooooooooooooooooooood! -> The teacher had apologized to the 17-year-old boy and his parents, -> Dan said, confirming a local media report of the incident, which -> happened last Thursday. -> -> He said the boy was taken to the staff room of the school in Fukuoka -> City, southern Japan, after being caught asleep during a lesson. The -> 40-year-old male teacher handed the boy a box-cutter and paper and -> told him to write an apology in blood. -> -> The teacher left the student, who then cut his finger and began to -> write an apology using his own blood. Well, Mister Or Miss Reporter, what did the boy write? We want an exact quote. And how tall were the letters? And what did the teacher do with the note once it dried? -> Other teachers in the staff room did not notice what was happening, -> Dan said. -> -> "To ask a student to write in their own blood is something I just -> can't imagine," he said. -> -> He said the boy was back in school, and neither he nor his parents -> had asked to switch teachers. The teacher involved is expected to -> resume classes in a few days, Dan said. -> -> The incident comes on the heels of an attack in which an 11-year-old -> girl killed a classmate by slashing her throat with a box cutter, -> also in southern Japan. So do Japanese kids normally spend a lot of time cutting up boxes? I imagine that in Japan their schoolbooks are sent out to be cleaned every night, and the next morning each comes back in a little cardboard box. That's as opposed to the United States, where the whole class has to share one forty-year-old book which is chained to the desk of whoever's tallest. -- K. Oh, and the truth about the "Teacher's Edition"? It doesn't really have all the answers in the back. It just has a Post-It on the last page, saying "Make answers up! Remember, _you're_ the teacher! If the kids don't believe you, cut 'em!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Follow-up to the most important news story EVER! Sex cones! Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 14:37:11 -0400 [from news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Man warned over cone sex -> -> A man who simulated sex with a traffic cone in an Edinburgh street -> has escaped with a warning after appearing in court. "Simulated"? What's the difference between simulating having sex with an orange cone and actually having sex with an orange cone? I need to know whether, um... a friend... has been doing it right. -> Ross Watt, 34, is a registered sex offender with previous -> convictions that include simulating sex with a training shoe -> in a public place. How can screwing a shoe make you a sex offender? The shoe doesn't even have places where its bathing suit covers! -> He was arrested and charged last year after he encouraged a group of -> teenagers to watch his interaction with the cone at the foot of the -> city's Calton Hill. -> -> At the time of the offence, he was already on probation for hitting -> himself in the groin area with a trainer as he stood in the front -> window of his Edinburgh flat. In other news, everyone on "America's Funniest Home Videos" has been arrested for videotaping themselves hitting themselves in the crotch with various and sundry objects which are apparently not okay to have in the vicinity of your crotchal area. -> Watt, who is undergoing psychiatric counselling at the Royal -> Edinburgh Hospital, was admonished after appearing at Edinburgh -> Sheriff Court. -> -> However he was given a strong warning not to repeat the "disgusting -> behaviour" again. -> -> The court heard how Mr Watt had approached groups of teenagers in -> the city, asking if they would sell him their trainers. -> -> When they refused he offered to give them a public show with the -> cone and they soon circled their cars around the fetishist, shouting -> "give it some" to urge him on. -> -> His lawyer Andy Gilbertson had argued that his act had been like a -> piece of Edinburgh Fringe street theatre, but the sheriff said it -> amounted to a breach of the peace. This is why, if I ever do something like this, I'm going to wear a silly costume to make it clear that I'm performing street theatre. -> He told Sheriff Mhairi Stephen: "Many people appeared to be -> encouraging his behaviour at the time and many were probably -> disappointed there was not a repeat performance during the festival -> this year. Hopefully he has finally learned his lesson." And if it were really good street theatre, it would get major media coverage around the world. Hey, I wonder what's on the BBC right now... oh, _this_. Dear BBC, you have just legitimized perversion. Shame on you. -> 'Disgusted and embarrassed' -> -> Sheriff Stephen was also told that Watt already had a huge network -> of support at the public's expense all working to tackle his -> offending. -> -> "Undoubtedly other people seemed to have derived a lot of humour and -> amusement from what transpired," she said. -> -> "Likewise others were not of a similar mind and were pretty upset by -> what happened. -> -> "I will not make an order that would increase the public resources -> deployed on you and will admonish you. This does not diminish the -> seriousness of your behaviour or the consequences if you continue to -> behave in this manner." Don't worry, although he is forbidden to do this again, I'm sure there are plenty of other categories of inanimate objects he can simulate sex with. For instance, doorknobs, mailboxes, sidewalks, hair dryers, hammers, flagpoles, pinball machines, and dentures. -> During Watt's trial last year, witness Lisa Cameron, 21, told -> Edinburgh Sheriff Court: "I drove across the road to see what he was -> doing and watched him pick up the cone -- I was disgusted and -> embarrassed." -> -> The performance lasted about 20 minutes before police officers -> arrived to see Watt, who appeared sober, replacing the cone at the -> side of Regent Road near the Scottish Executive departments in St -> Andrew's House. The best part are these detailed directions so we can find the specific cone and get its "autograph" (WINK.) -- K. Of course, I am only _pretending_ I want to simulate having sex with a cone, I'm not _simulating_ that I'm simulating sex with one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: sex cones) Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 00:07:17 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Don't worry, although he is forbidden to do this again, I'm sure there > > are plenty of other categories of inanimate objects he can simulate sex > > with. For instance, doorknobs, mailboxes, sidewalks, hair dryers, > > hammers, flagpoles, pinball machines, and dentures. > > But the one to really look forward to is ... A STAPLER! Hmm. While at first glance "THE STAPLER FUCKERS" might seem to be a good name for the biker gang I'm starting in alt.religion.kibology, it must still be disqualified because: NO CUTE. Same goes for "THE SEX CONES". In fact, even "NO CUTE" violates my NO CUTE rule. NO CUTE, and also NO NO CUTE. C'mon, guys, I named something like three dozen imaginary porno movies based on the "science" theories of Archimedes Plutonium, so surely you can suggest a good motorcycle club name. If I can turn Plutonium into pornography, surely you can string together two or three words without getting all cute and icky-poo. -- K. "THE HAMMERFUCKS" might word, except, are you allowed to have a swear word on your gang colors? Won't they kick us out when we try to get our jackets embroidered at the mall? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Searching the Information Superhighway Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 14:20:42 -0400 donaldduck99056@aol.com wrote: > > Hi, I found this Internet Bulletin Board when doing a lycos search for > new and interesting religions. I wonder if any of you could answer > the following questions about Kibology: > > What do you belive is the purpose for life? To obey me. > What happens to us when we die? Your body is used for playing cruel practical jokes on my new TV show. > Do you believe in one god, a multitude of gods, or a spirit realm? Or > are we alone in the universe? I belive I'm the god, and I believe people only barely exist, just enough so that I can squish 'em. > Why does evel exist in the world? To jump over school buses for my amusement. > Is there eternal punishment for those who commit evel? No, there is a five-minute break every ninety-five minutes while the videotape of "Baby Geniuses" gets rewound. > What is the greatest moral imperative, if any? The one with the most exclamation point after it. > Do people have free choice, or is their path in life predistined? Neither. People can make all the choices they want, but each choice requires them to put a nickel into my Choice Jar. > Thanks, this is a big help. No it isn't. -- K. And it's not even the theatrical version of "Baby Geniuses". It's a remake where all the parts are played by Penny Marshall with a bad toothache. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Victoria, Australia cracks down on John Belushi Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 15:26:21 -0400 [an official news release from www.dpc.vic.gov.au] -> -> SWORDS TO BECOME PROHIBITED WEAPONS -> -> Swords will become prohibited weapons from July 1, carrying -> penalties of up to $12,000 or six months in prison for illegal use -> or possession, the Minister for Police and Emergency Services, Andre -> Haermeyer said today. -> -> Mr Haermeyer announced new sword regulations today, saying they would -> assist Victoria Police to crack down on incidents involving swords. -> -> "The Bracks Government is implementing these new regulations to help -> Victoria Police overcome this culture of young people arming -> themselves with swords," Mr Haermeyer said. Only geezers should be allowed to have swords! -> "From July 1, swords will be made prohibited weapons, making it -> illegal to use, possess or carry a sword." Well, gee. That takes all the fun out of the Renaissance Festival. Now it's just going to be guys in armor throwing darts at each other. (I know darts will always be legal in Australia, because they're intimately related to drinking, and all Australians are drunk all the time.) -> Mr Haermeyer said the elevation of swords from controlled to prohibited -> weapons would also impact on vendors attempting to sell swords. ...as reported in The Australian Journal Of Duh! -> "It is illegal to sell prohibited weapons other than in limited -> circumstances. Vendors will only be legally permitted to sell a -> sword to an individual who can produce evidence that they fall -> within an exempt category or have a specific approval from the Chief -> Commissioner," he said. -> -> "Vendors will be required to register who they have sold swords to, -> the nature of the buyers' exemption and the type of sword or swords. And then James Doohan will buy some sort of swishy cutlass and put down that he bought "a Claymore". -> "Police will have the power to inspect a vendor's register." -> -> Mr Haermeyer said the Government would establish exempt categories -> to ensure legitimate sword owners were not disadvantaged. -> -> "There are some cultural, religious, military and collector groups -> that have legitimate reasons to own swords," he said. You know, collectors are allowed to own swords because collectors like owning swords. So this new law will only prohibit people who don't like owning swords from owning sorts. Now everybody's happy! -> "Such groups will be able to apply for an Order exempting their -> members from the need to obtain individual approvals. Also, -> individuals who do not fall into those categories will be able to -> apply to the Chief Commissioner of Police for an individual -> approval." Dear Chief Commissioner of Police, Please stop running the police department for half an hour so you can determine whether or not I'm allowed to go to a Rensaissance Festival. This is the most important part of your job. Sincerely, Nerdly McNerdo P.S. Although I am a nerd, I am also drunk, because I am Australian. -> [...] -> -> Mr Haermeyer said the Government had given police 480 metal -> detectors and late last year introduced new search powers, to enable -> Victoria Police to search people they reasonably suspect are -> carrying weapons. Um, if you can't find a concealed sword without a metal detector, it's not a sword. -> Also, in the Autumn 2000 session of Parliament, new legislation was -> passed to restrict the sale and possession of knives and other weapons. Do lightsabers count as swords or as "other weapons"? -- K. You'll get my lightsaber only when you remove it from my cold, empty pile of clothes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo leather gang Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 22:26:00 -0400 MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But I can't think of a good name for the gang. Something like > > "A.R.K ANGELS" except without the pun, and definitely no logo > > showing a winged Indiana Jones riding a winged Ark of The Covenant. > > How about "MENACE"? > > Short, sweet, to the point. I like it, although I suspect it may already be taken. Where's the International Register Of Motorcycle Club Names posted on the Web? There is certainly already a "Red Menace" club, and a 1990 movie titled "Masters of Menace" that is probably as atrocious as the 1969 "Satan's Sadists" but without as good a title. The name "Menace" probably should have a second word added to make it more distinctive, like "The Phantom Menace" except without Jar-Jar. However, I disqualify your suggestion because you chose to title your post "Kibo leather gang", and this is about an _imaginary motorcycle_ gang, for people who have imaginary motorcycles -- leather attire is not required (especially in climates like these where bikers tend to wear more denim than leather.) The sole criterion for membership in my gang is that you have to not have a motorcycle. Heck, you can wear a T-shirt and shorts while riding your imaginary hog just like a lot of the idiots riding actual bikes in the Boston suburbs. This is about wanting to make convenience-store clerks nervous, not about leather. Also it's about me getting to initiate people and pick disgusting nicknames for them. Got a problem with that, Pukeface? -- K. Unless you have a cycle, in which case you're not allowed to be Pukeface and have to go join the Denizens of Doom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: leather) Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 02:15:07 -0400 Fishbulb (safe@dykeandsons.com) wrote: > > The Unmentionables? Good name, it's not a pun, it's not cute -- in fact it's technical, even clinical -- and it's vaguely threatening in that we could go around stomping anyone who mentions us. That should get us a lot of publicity. However, it could never actually work as a biker gang name because it's impossible to pronounce while drunk and missing half your teeth. It would come out somewhere between the time George W. Bush claimed the Republicans did not use "sublim-bibble" messages in their campaign ads and all the times he's said he's on top of the torture situation in "Abu Giraffle" prison. We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. -- K. However, we still wouldn't allow him to join, even if he starts drinking again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: leather) Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 06:10:05 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. > > This changes everything. > Unfair introducing new rules in the middle! Whine, whine, whiiine. Show me where anything says anything has to be fair, ever. Nothing is real, and nothing is fair. _All_ rules are introduced in the middle -- otherwise they wouldn't be rules, they'd be axioms. "The Unfair" seems like a good name for a gang, except it would make some people think of a Renaissance Festival sponsored by 7-Up. So I'll disqualify it. > You didn't say _anything_ about hand gestures or sign language > for biker gang names before! Such things are an intimate part of biker culture. Try waving hello to a serious biker from your car and then you'll see a very special hand gesture. > Terri > > How do you do an ascii of someone scratching their butt? "I AM SCRATCHING MY BUTT." Did you hear, they added letters to ASCII? -- K. Unfair not letting me change the rules whenever I want. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name my imaginary biker gang Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 06:37:27 -0400 Vince Barmann (vbarIONmann@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fishbulb (safe@dykeandsons.com) wrote: > > > > > > The Unmentionables? > > > > We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. > > The Terrrsts (Waving semaphore flags) WE! NEED! A! BIKER! GANG! NAME! THAT! THE! PRESIDENT! CAN! PRONOUNCE! I know you mean "The Terrorists" and not actually "The Terrrsts", because no self-respecting biker gang would have a triple letter on their jackets (they hate it when other gangs yell "YAHTZEE!" at them.) "The Terrorists" is actually a _great_ name for an imaginary biker gang. I like it a lot. In fact, I like it almost as much as the not-as-good ones I thought up. I'll add your suggestion to the list, if there's room. The only problem is I think there may already be one group in my apartment building using that name. -- K. "The Riot Squad" would be another great name, plus I already have one of those helmets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 14:40:55 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > You know what? Forget it. I can't pick just one. Hey, I am pure distilled liquid annoyance. That's why everyone loves me. They love me because they appreciate the beautiful, pure, innocent quality of my inherent annoyingness. That reminds me, I have a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" I have to read aloud in all capitals. PART ONE, "NON-CONTRADICTION". CHAPTER ONE, "THE THEME". PAGE ONE. SENTENCE ONE. "WHO IS JOHN GALT?" SENTENCE TWO. Aw, hell with it. They're all the same anyway. Ayn Rand is too annoying, even for me. -- K. And now, it's time for... CHIMPIES! (A chimp dressed as Ayn Rand throws food around while kazoo music plays.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 22:50:08 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Aw, hell with it. They're all the same anyway. Ayn Rand is too > > annoying, even for me. > > Ahem. I'm sorry, I just have to speak up. I really like "The > Fountainhead". You couldn't pay me enough to re-read "Atlas Shrugged", > but I enjoyed reading "The Fountainhead" and probably will again. Well, then, when I asked people to mail me an Ayn Rand book, why didn't YOU send me the GOOD one? RAT BASTARD!!!! -- K. Hmm, "The Rat Bastards" would be a good biker gang name. Also, "The Ayn Rands". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 15:25:38 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, I am pure distilled liquid annoyance. That's why everyone loves me. > > They love me because > > if we don't, you'll send us to the cornfield. Young lady, I am _not_ Billy Mumy, and I never will be. Nor will I ever be Wil Wheaton, no matter how hard everyone keeps wanting me to be. I may, however, get to be Spridle from the original "Speed Racer" if I can just find a pair of red overalls with that silly pocket to wear while I'm being badly-dubbed in a way which makes me even more annoying. -- K. I'm in a grumpy mood because the last site I was at trying to shop for a six-pack of disposable rhesus monkeys had too many flashing, dancing rainbow sparkles. Who do they think mad scientists are, Strawberry Freakin' Shortcake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KiboMail Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 14:54:31 -0400 James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > We at the Happynet Implementation Project (Preliminary Internet > Engineering), as part of the prototypes for Happynet have developed > KiboMail. You may have heard, or been invited to Google's new Email > service, Gmail. Well, we have something far better. > > KIBOMAIL! > > Benefits of KiboMail: > > * We don't just give you 1GB of storage. We give you infinite storage. > That's right, you can never ever run out of space. We do this by throwing away all your mail, so that you never fill up the floppy disk your account is stored on. > * Advanced indexing and searching facilities allow you to find any > email, even if you never sent or received it in the first place! This is accomplished by an application of Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Search Engine. If you ask for everything containing "bacon", it starts at "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabacon" and all the 26-side little wheels chunk into a new position twice a second so that after a few eons you'll have a complete list of all strings which could contain "bacon", and there will be nothing about "bacon" left unsaid. You will be all-knowing, and thus almost as smart as me. > * We don't have spam filters, we have actual spam-assassins who will > hunt down and kill anyone who sends you spam, anyone who thinks about > sending you spam, or will one day entertain the possibility of sending > you spam, or random passersby just for the fun of it. (Of course, once > Happynet is fully implemented, spam will not be a problem) Don't forget the buttons at the upper right corner of every window. One is "This Is Spam", which deploys the ninjas. The other is for times when you want to punish someone for forwarding you a chain letter but want them to live to learn from their mistake -- it wraps up 600-volt shocks in well-formed TCP/IP packets and routes them through the Internet to come out of the keyboard of whoever wrote what you're looking at. > * An email system so advanced, it not only correctly categorises your > incoming email, it responds to it with a witty, charming, germane and > insightful reply, without you needing to hit a single key! Never again will you have to answer hard questions like "A/S/L"! KiboMail will make something up! It'll even draw a picture of you and invent some likes and dislikes! Did you know that you have a square head with orange eyes and you enjoy TinkerToys, sour mash, and ammonia? KiboMail makes you unique when it gives you a randomly-assigned personality! > * No more deciding who to give invitations to. KiboMail works out which > of your friends most deserves an invitation, and sends it to them > automatically. It also sends invitations to birthday parties and > private functions. It even invites people to your next barbecue! > That's right! KiboMail invites people you've never heard of to your > next get together! But of course if this gets annoying, you can always click the "I Have No Friends" button to tell KiboMail to inform everyone on the entire Internet that you have no friends, and then everyone will leave you alone. > * Free "Kibo" doll with every new account! It's not a doll, it's an inaction figure! > To try KiboMail, follow the link in the next invitation you get! What if my web browser doesn't support following links? Is it still compatible enough with KiboMail for me to get the free inaction figure? > Ja-won't-read-your-emails-unless-they-are-very-entertaining-mes I love the way so many people are worried that employees of their E-mail provider could be poking through their personal E-mail. Like the staff doesn't have enough of their _own_ boring E-mail to wade through, let alone wanting to slog through other people's even more boring E-mail. E-mail is the useless service that providers give their customers in the hopes that they can entertain each other and leave the staff alone. The people really in the know have all switched to using TurboGopherVR. -- K. It's like regular gopher, just with "Turbo" in the name to make up for it being slower. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 01:42:30 -0400 Today, the United States Postal Service officially announced a new set of commemorative stamps with a Disney theme. One of the stamps shows Mickey Mouse. Know what this means? MICKEY DIED! Now, according to our country's laws, to be on a stamp, either Mickey died ten years ago, or he died recently but was a President. Suddenly I understand so much more about Ronald Reagan! It's like if Arthur C. Clarke's "History Lesson" were mistaken for a documentary by even weirder aliens. -- K. Still no answer to the question, "If Goofy married Pluto and their baby was so inbred that he was completely retarded, would he be exactly like Goofy, or exactly like Pluto?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 14:40:50 -0400 [concerning Mickey Mouse postage stamps] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know what this means? > > THE DIGITAL MILLENIUM COPYRIGHT ACT IS NULL AND VOID! Watch for newly > appearing lawsuits at a Federal court near you! Hey, yeah. When we pay 37c for a lickable Mickey, we get to stick him wherever we want. So we can mail porn covered in Mickey stamps. Except I think it's still illegal to mail pornography, it has to be transported by truck because it's so hazardous. But still, imagine the Disney company's consternation when they find out that Mickey is being affixed to naughty things like the Victoria's Secret catalog, and even more galling, the Warner Brothers store catalog. Imagine a stripper whose body is decorated solely with strips of overpriced Mickey stamps. Now keep imagining that for 24 hours. There, I just made you have a nice day. -- K. I can think of plenty of other ways to make trouble, but I'll save them until they're more inappropriate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 02:14:02 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Imagine a stripper whose body is decorated solely with strips of > > overpriced Mickey stamps. Now keep imagining that for 24 hours. > > Damn you. > > Now I must wank. Sorry to have delayed you by fifteen seconds. -- K. Wait 'til you get to the Snug Plug article. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pain pong Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 15:55:38 -0400 Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > My current newsfeed is flakier than good pastry dough, Dough is by definition not flaky! It doesn't get flaky until it stops being dough when it undergoes a magical metamorphosis over a sixty-watt light bulb in your Easy-Bake Oven. > so I don't know if Kibo has already written a television script > about this device: Ah, yes, the PainStation. Some German nerds' art-installation project consisting of a version of "Pong" that gives your hand little electrical shocks when you miss, and the first player to let go loses. Ho hum. Have they not noticed that such things have been in arcades for years without the pretext of the "Pong" part? Eventually maybe they'd discover other pain-related games out there, such as dodgeball and that one kids do where they slap each other's hands. The PainStation also has a little whip that hits the back of your hand (their Web site, www.painstation.de, proudly displays lots of photos of hands with linear bruises on the back) but the hand's not really a good place for that. There are other parts of the body where you can hit a _lot_ harder without doing as much damage. Unless, of course, the point is to show off photos of bruised hands because the hands can't take very much. But if they want to put on a big show in the art gallery, they should really be working the thighs with billy clubs or something, for maximum screaming. And I used to think Germans knew how to do this sort of stuff right. It's depressing to realize that I know more about pain than Germans do. -- K. Maybe we should buy these guys a Betamax tape of the 1980 movie "Never Say Never Again". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One more for the road Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 19:47:50 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > You didn't really think I would let Sonia move out at the end of the month > without sharing one more story with you... > > Today she announced that she and her mom will open up a restaurant in > Montreal where she will host her very own talk show. > > Huh?!? > > Glad you asked. 'Cause I sure the hell did. Let me guess, is this show going to feature a regular segment where she rolls melons down the stairs? If so, I think Mike Bullard might have already done that, or possibly Steve Vizard. > Anyway, she explained it as follows -- > > She and her non-English speaking Korean mum with open up a gay bar in > Montreal which will offer the finest of food, wine and cigars and she will > have a camera crew set up to film her as she flits from table to table > chatting up the patrons. She believes that this will make for the best > teevee EVAH because, as she puts it, "Who doesn't want fine food, wine and > cigars PLUS being on teevee all at the same time?!?" Will this show filmed in a bar be shot with a night-vision camera, or will we have to crank the brightness up all the way on our TVs to tell whether anything's happening? Brightly-lit bars are _not_ cool. You really don't want to see the people you're drunk enough to sleep with. Hey, remember that tall Thai woman with the Hungarian accent who served us surly goulash at that Thai/Hungarian resturant we ate at over in the discount shoe district north of Chinatown? At the time, I said she'd make a really frightening dominatrix. ("Angelina Jolie _is_ Dracula!") See if Sonia will change her Korean/Francophone gay bar to a Thai/Hungarian S&M vampire restaurant so she can hire that woman. She could call it "The Ghoul-Lash". > She said it will have to be a gay bar since she can only truly relate to gay > men. Um, this is the first I heard her mention this. It probably has a lot > to do with her landing a $75 job working this weekend taking tickets at some > event at the upcoming Gay Pride Day celebrations. She's not going to be in the kissing booth, is she? When a woman says "I can only truly relate to gay men," that's the same as when a man says "I can only truly relate to videogame characters," in other words "I'm hetero and nobody will date me." > More power to her. She's gonna need all she can get if she is even remotely > serious about this ridiculous restaurant idea. Face it, we're talking about > the very same girl who had absolutely NO CLUE where she could score some > boxes in which to pack her belongings for the move ("You mean that the > people at the supermarket will let me take boxes if I ask for them?!? > Really?!?") Maybe you should sit down with her and gently explain that gay bars are not synonymous with fancy restaurants, even though all gay men are gourmet chefs. Also everyone in Montreal is a gourmet chef, although only 50% of francophones are gay. But still I think that "gay bar" and "fine dining establishment" are not the same thing. Change "gay bar" to "sports bar" and you'll see what I mean. Gay bars tend to be louder than restaurants, too. Her talk-show guests would have to time their conversation between beats of the music. > Anyway, she has promised me unlimited backstage passes (err...does this mean > kitchen passes?!) if I gather up all of my gay friends and cart them off to > Montreal to be on her show. So how much money are you offering me? Last time I came up there it was such a hassle getting through Customs, especially once the Customs agent decided that Etienne Rouette must be my girlfriend. Oh, and I demand the right to roll durians down your stairs. -- K. Perhaps Sonia wants to do this because she's been secretly reading your a.r.k articles about her and she's realized that you already consider her life a sitcom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 05:02:25 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > How might I improve my writing?... Do it from the bottom of a large vat of butterscotch pudding. Without scuba gear. With pants. > I've been writing around the net for years and am looking to improving > the expository style, syntax, organization, et alia. I call dibs on being the prime mover of The Expository Organization. Once I get The Expository Organization started, I'll tell you all about it. > What I like about the expository writing of kibo, pronounce the i as in eye, > is his good humor and edgy effort that deflects the usual banalities. I'm sorry, but you have me confused with Ayn Rand's landlord's third wife's lesbian lover's mailman's uncle's doctor's dog. And that dog's name is... Paul Harvey. I'm Bizarro James Burke, and next on "Connections", learn how a mistake on Anson Williams's income tax form caused the invention of raisin bread and put Don Saklad in a large vat of butterscotch pudding. -- K. Whoops, now I just forgot who Ayn Rand is, and why you're in that vat with her. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 01:23:57 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > > > > > How might I improve my writing?... > > > > > > Do it from the bottom of a large vat of butterscotch pudding. > > > > > > Without scuba gear. > > > > > > With pants. > > > > Yeah. That was how Kibo learned to write like Kibo. > > You, sir, are a LIAR and a CAD! Now stop besmirching Kibo's fine name > before he calls you out for a duel. Kibo with pants, indeed! And without scuba gear! You should assume that on any given day I'm wearing three or more of (a) scuba gear, (b) a Soviet general's uniform, (c) a space Viking helmet, (d) a clear plastic centurion costume, (e) a giant foam-rubber volvox costume, or (f) an Albert Einstein mask worn upside-down. > Paula > You know whatever weapon you pick, he'll have a more lethal one Oh, worse -- I have weapons that aren't likely to kill him but will make him _wish_ he were dead. There's a fine line between "Please stop hurting me!" and "Please stop hurting me and let me die!" And that line is made out of primacord so it can be crossed at over 20,000 feet per second. So any duel with me would end like the fifteen "Star Trek" episodes that involve a duel to the death where Kirk makes someone cry uncle and then spares their life. Kirk is such a wuss. If the Klingons ever invented an energy field that could dampen the sound effect of those air-roundhouse punches he throws, he'd be completely powerless. -- K. (a) through (f) are usually worn over the leathers, of course, except that (f) can also be worn while naked if I'm doing a one-handed handstand. I won't even mention (g), the full-body Shatner toupee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:25:15 -0400 Michael Malloy (vortexofterror@vortexofterror.com) wrote: > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > What I like about the expository writing of kibo, [...] > > is his good humor and edgy effort that deflects the usual banalities. > > Kibo