From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 14:40:55 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > You know what? Forget it. I can't pick just one. Hey, I am pure distilled liquid annoyance. That's why everyone loves me. They love me because they appreciate the beautiful, pure, innocent quality of my inherent annoyingness. That reminds me, I have a copy of Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" I have to read aloud in all capitals. PART ONE, "NON-CONTRADICTION". CHAPTER ONE, "THE THEME". PAGE ONE. SENTENCE ONE. "WHO IS JOHN GALT?" SENTENCE TWO. Aw, hell with it. They're all the same anyway. Ayn Rand is too annoying, even for me. -- K. And now, it's time for... CHIMPIES! (A chimp dressed as Ayn Rand throws food around while kazoo music plays.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 22:50:08 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Aw, hell with it. They're all the same anyway. Ayn Rand is too > > annoying, even for me. > > Ahem. I'm sorry, I just have to speak up. I really like "The > Fountainhead". You couldn't pay me enough to re-read "Atlas Shrugged", > but I enjoyed reading "The Fountainhead" and probably will again. Well, then, when I asked people to mail me an Ayn Rand book, why didn't YOU send me the GOOD one? RAT BASTARD!!!! -- K. Hmm, "The Rat Bastards" would be a good biker gang name. Also, "The Ayn Rands". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Most Annoying Thing About Kibo Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 15:25:38 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, I am pure distilled liquid annoyance. That's why everyone loves me. > > They love me because > > if we don't, you'll send us to the cornfield. Young lady, I am _not_ Billy Mumy, and I never will be. Nor will I ever be Wil Wheaton, no matter how hard everyone keeps wanting me to be. I may, however, get to be Spridle from the original "Speed Racer" if I can just find a pair of red overalls with that silly pocket to wear while I'm being badly-dubbed in a way which makes me even more annoying. -- K. I'm in a grumpy mood because the last site I was at trying to shop for a six-pack of disposable rhesus monkeys had too many flashing, dancing rainbow sparkles. Who do they think mad scientists are, Strawberry Freakin' Shortcake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KiboMail Date: Wed, 23 Jun 2004 14:54:31 -0400 James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > We at the Happynet Implementation Project (Preliminary Internet > Engineering), as part of the prototypes for Happynet have developed > KiboMail. You may have heard, or been invited to Google's new Email > service, Gmail. Well, we have something far better. > > KIBOMAIL! > > Benefits of KiboMail: > > * We don't just give you 1GB of storage. We give you infinite storage. > That's right, you can never ever run out of space. We do this by throwing away all your mail, so that you never fill up the floppy disk your account is stored on. > * Advanced indexing and searching facilities allow you to find any > email, even if you never sent or received it in the first place! This is accomplished by an application of Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Search Engine. If you ask for everything containing "bacon", it starts at "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabacon" and all the 26-side little wheels chunk into a new position twice a second so that after a few eons you'll have a complete list of all strings which could contain "bacon", and there will be nothing about "bacon" left unsaid. You will be all-knowing, and thus almost as smart as me. > * We don't have spam filters, we have actual spam-assassins who will > hunt down and kill anyone who sends you spam, anyone who thinks about > sending you spam, or will one day entertain the possibility of sending > you spam, or random passersby just for the fun of it. (Of course, once > Happynet is fully implemented, spam will not be a problem) Don't forget the buttons at the upper right corner of every window. One is "This Is Spam", which deploys the ninjas. The other is for times when you want to punish someone for forwarding you a chain letter but want them to live to learn from their mistake -- it wraps up 600-volt shocks in well-formed TCP/IP packets and routes them through the Internet to come out of the keyboard of whoever wrote what you're looking at. > * An email system so advanced, it not only correctly categorises your > incoming email, it responds to it with a witty, charming, germane and > insightful reply, without you needing to hit a single key! Never again will you have to answer hard questions like "A/S/L"! KiboMail will make something up! It'll even draw a picture of you and invent some likes and dislikes! Did you know that you have a square head with orange eyes and you enjoy TinkerToys, sour mash, and ammonia? KiboMail makes you unique when it gives you a randomly-assigned personality! > * No more deciding who to give invitations to. KiboMail works out which > of your friends most deserves an invitation, and sends it to them > automatically. It also sends invitations to birthday parties and > private functions. It even invites people to your next barbecue! > That's right! KiboMail invites people you've never heard of to your > next get together! But of course if this gets annoying, you can always click the "I Have No Friends" button to tell KiboMail to inform everyone on the entire Internet that you have no friends, and then everyone will leave you alone. > * Free "Kibo" doll with every new account! It's not a doll, it's an inaction figure! > To try KiboMail, follow the link in the next invitation you get! What if my web browser doesn't support following links? Is it still compatible enough with KiboMail for me to get the free inaction figure? > Ja-won't-read-your-emails-unless-they-are-very-entertaining-mes I love the way so many people are worried that employees of their E-mail provider could be poking through their personal E-mail. Like the staff doesn't have enough of their _own_ boring E-mail to wade through, let alone wanting to slog through other people's even more boring E-mail. E-mail is the useless service that providers give their customers in the hopes that they can entertain each other and leave the staff alone. The people really in the know have all switched to using TurboGopherVR. -- K. It's like regular gopher, just with "Turbo" in the name to make up for it being slower. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 01:42:30 -0400 Today, the United States Postal Service officially announced a new set of commemorative stamps with a Disney theme. One of the stamps shows Mickey Mouse. Know what this means? MICKEY DIED! Now, according to our country's laws, to be on a stamp, either Mickey died ten years ago, or he died recently but was a President. Suddenly I understand so much more about Ronald Reagan! It's like if Arthur C. Clarke's "History Lesson" were mistaken for a documentary by even weirder aliens. -- K. Still no answer to the question, "If Goofy married Pluto and their baby was so inbred that he was completely retarded, would he be exactly like Goofy, or exactly like Pluto?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 14:40:50 -0400 [concerning Mickey Mouse postage stamps] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know what this means? > > THE DIGITAL MILLENIUM COPYRIGHT ACT IS NULL AND VOID! Watch for newly > appearing lawsuits at a Federal court near you! Hey, yeah. When we pay 37c for a lickable Mickey, we get to stick him wherever we want. So we can mail porn covered in Mickey stamps. Except I think it's still illegal to mail pornography, it has to be transported by truck because it's so hazardous. But still, imagine the Disney company's consternation when they find out that Mickey is being affixed to naughty things like the Victoria's Secret catalog, and even more galling, the Warner Brothers store catalog. Imagine a stripper whose body is decorated solely with strips of overpriced Mickey stamps. Now keep imagining that for 24 hours. There, I just made you have a nice day. -- K. I can think of plenty of other ways to make trouble, but I'll save them until they're more inappropriate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 02:14:02 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Imagine a stripper whose body is decorated solely with strips of > > overpriced Mickey stamps. Now keep imagining that for 24 hours. > > Damn you. > > Now I must wank. Sorry to have delayed you by fifteen seconds. -- K. Wait 'til you get to the Snug Plug article. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: leather) Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 02:15:07 -0400 Fishbulb (safe@dykeandsons.com) wrote: > > The Unmentionables? Good name, it's not a pun, it's not cute -- in fact it's technical, even clinical -- and it's vaguely threatening in that we could go around stomping anyone who mentions us. That should get us a lot of publicity. However, it could never actually work as a biker gang name because it's impossible to pronounce while drunk and missing half your teeth. It would come out somewhere between the time George W. Bush claimed the Republicans did not use "sublim-bibble" messages in their campaign ads and all the times he's said he's on top of the torture situation in "Abu Giraffle" prison. We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. -- K. However, we still wouldn't allow him to join, even if he starts drinking again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name my imaginary biker gang (was: leather) Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 06:10:05 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. > > This changes everything. > Unfair introducing new rules in the middle! Whine, whine, whiiine. Show me where anything says anything has to be fair, ever. Nothing is real, and nothing is fair. _All_ rules are introduced in the middle -- otherwise they wouldn't be rules, they'd be axioms. "The Unfair" seems like a good name for a gang, except it would make some people think of a Renaissance Festival sponsored by 7-Up. So I'll disqualify it. > You didn't say _anything_ about hand gestures or sign language > for biker gang names before! Such things are an intimate part of biker culture. Try waving hello to a serious biker from your car and then you'll see a very special hand gesture. > Terri > > How do you do an ascii of someone scratching their butt? "I AM SCRATCHING MY BUTT." Did you hear, they added letters to ASCII? -- K. Unfair not letting me change the rules whenever I want. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Name my imaginary biker gang Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 06:37:27 -0400 Vince Barmann (vbarIONmann@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fishbulb (safe@dykeandsons.com) wrote: > > > > > > The Unmentionables? > > > > We need a biker gang name that the President can pronounce. > > The Terrrsts (Waving semaphore flags) WE! NEED! A! BIKER! GANG! NAME! THAT! THE! PRESIDENT! CAN! PRONOUNCE! I know you mean "The Terrorists" and not actually "The Terrrsts", because no self-respecting biker gang would have a triple letter on their jackets (they hate it when other gangs yell "YAHTZEE!" at them.) "The Terrorists" is actually a _great_ name for an imaginary biker gang. I like it a lot. In fact, I like it almost as much as the not-as-good ones I thought up. I'll add your suggestion to the list, if there's room. The only problem is I think there may already be one group in my apartment building using that name. -- K. "The Riot Squad" would be another great name, plus I already have one of those helmets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pain pong Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 15:55:38 -0400 Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > My current newsfeed is flakier than good pastry dough, Dough is by definition not flaky! It doesn't get flaky until it stops being dough when it undergoes a magical metamorphosis over a sixty-watt light bulb in your Easy-Bake Oven. > so I don't know if Kibo has already written a television script > about this device: Ah, yes, the PainStation. Some German nerds' art-installation project consisting of a version of "Pong" that gives your hand little electrical shocks when you miss, and the first player to let go loses. Ho hum. Have they not noticed that such things have been in arcades for years without the pretext of the "Pong" part? Eventually maybe they'd discover other pain-related games out there, such as dodgeball and that one kids do where they slap each other's hands. The PainStation also has a little whip that hits the back of your hand (their Web site, www.painstation.de, proudly displays lots of photos of hands with linear bruises on the back) but the hand's not really a good place for that. There are other parts of the body where you can hit a _lot_ harder without doing as much damage. Unless, of course, the point is to show off photos of bruised hands because the hands can't take very much. But if they want to put on a big show in the art gallery, they should really be working the thighs with billy clubs or something, for maximum screaming. And I used to think Germans knew how to do this sort of stuff right. It's depressing to realize that I know more about pain than Germans do. -- K. Maybe we should buy these guys a Betamax tape of the 1980 movie "Never Say Never Again". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One more for the road Date: Thu, 24 Jun 2004 19:47:50 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > You didn't really think I would let Sonia move out at the end of the month > without sharing one more story with you... > > Today she announced that she and her mom will open up a restaurant in > Montreal where she will host her very own talk show. > > Huh?!? > > Glad you asked. 'Cause I sure the hell did. Let me guess, is this show going to feature a regular segment where she rolls melons down the stairs? If so, I think Mike Bullard might have already done that, or possibly Steve Vizard. > Anyway, she explained it as follows -- > > She and her non-English speaking Korean mum with open up a gay bar in > Montreal which will offer the finest of food, wine and cigars and she will > have a camera crew set up to film her as she flits from table to table > chatting up the patrons. She believes that this will make for the best > teevee EVAH because, as she puts it, "Who doesn't want fine food, wine and > cigars PLUS being on teevee all at the same time?!?" Will this show filmed in a bar be shot with a night-vision camera, or will we have to crank the brightness up all the way on our TVs to tell whether anything's happening? Brightly-lit bars are _not_ cool. You really don't want to see the people you're drunk enough to sleep with. Hey, remember that tall Thai woman with the Hungarian accent who served us surly goulash at that Thai/Hungarian resturant we ate at over in the discount shoe district north of Chinatown? At the time, I said she'd make a really frightening dominatrix. ("Angelina Jolie _is_ Dracula!") See if Sonia will change her Korean/Francophone gay bar to a Thai/Hungarian S&M vampire restaurant so she can hire that woman. She could call it "The Ghoul-Lash". > She said it will have to be a gay bar since she can only truly relate to gay > men. Um, this is the first I heard her mention this. It probably has a lot > to do with her landing a $75 job working this weekend taking tickets at some > event at the upcoming Gay Pride Day celebrations. She's not going to be in the kissing booth, is she? When a woman says "I can only truly relate to gay men," that's the same as when a man says "I can only truly relate to videogame characters," in other words "I'm hetero and nobody will date me." > More power to her. She's gonna need all she can get if she is even remotely > serious about this ridiculous restaurant idea. Face it, we're talking about > the very same girl who had absolutely NO CLUE where she could score some > boxes in which to pack her belongings for the move ("You mean that the > people at the supermarket will let me take boxes if I ask for them?!? > Really?!?") Maybe you should sit down with her and gently explain that gay bars are not synonymous with fancy restaurants, even though all gay men are gourmet chefs. Also everyone in Montreal is a gourmet chef, although only 50% of francophones are gay. But still I think that "gay bar" and "fine dining establishment" are not the same thing. Change "gay bar" to "sports bar" and you'll see what I mean. Gay bars tend to be louder than restaurants, too. Her talk-show guests would have to time their conversation between beats of the music. > Anyway, she has promised me unlimited backstage passes (err...does this mean > kitchen passes?!) if I gather up all of my gay friends and cart them off to > Montreal to be on her show. So how much money are you offering me? Last time I came up there it was such a hassle getting through Customs, especially once the Customs agent decided that Etienne Rouette must be my girlfriend. Oh, and I demand the right to roll durians down your stairs. -- K. Perhaps Sonia wants to do this because she's been secretly reading your a.r.k articles about her and she's realized that you already consider her life a sitcom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 05:02:25 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > How might I improve my writing?... Do it from the bottom of a large vat of butterscotch pudding. Without scuba gear. With pants. > I've been writing around the net for years and am looking to improving > the expository style, syntax, organization, et alia. I call dibs on being the prime mover of The Expository Organization. Once I get The Expository Organization started, I'll tell you all about it. > What I like about the expository writing of kibo, pronounce the i as in eye, > is his good humor and edgy effort that deflects the usual banalities. I'm sorry, but you have me confused with Ayn Rand's landlord's third wife's lesbian lover's mailman's uncle's doctor's dog. And that dog's name is... Paul Harvey. I'm Bizarro James Burke, and next on "Connections", learn how a mistake on Anson Williams's income tax form caused the invention of raisin bread and put Don Saklad in a large vat of butterscotch pudding. -- K. Whoops, now I just forgot who Ayn Rand is, and why you're in that vat with her. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 01:23:57 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > > > > > How might I improve my writing?... > > > > > > Do it from the bottom of a large vat of butterscotch pudding. > > > > > > Without scuba gear. > > > > > > With pants. > > > > Yeah. That was how Kibo learned to write like Kibo. > > You, sir, are a LIAR and a CAD! Now stop besmirching Kibo's fine name > before he calls you out for a duel. Kibo with pants, indeed! And without scuba gear! You should assume that on any given day I'm wearing three or more of (a) scuba gear, (b) a Soviet general's uniform, (c) a space Viking helmet, (d) a clear plastic centurion costume, (e) a giant foam-rubber volvox costume, or (f) an Albert Einstein mask worn upside-down. > Paula > You know whatever weapon you pick, he'll have a more lethal one Oh, worse -- I have weapons that aren't likely to kill him but will make him _wish_ he were dead. There's a fine line between "Please stop hurting me!" and "Please stop hurting me and let me die!" And that line is made out of primacord so it can be crossed at over 20,000 feet per second. So any duel with me would end like the fifteen "Star Trek" episodes that involve a duel to the death where Kirk makes someone cry uncle and then spares their life. Kirk is such a wuss. If the Klingons ever invented an energy field that could dampen the sound effect of those air-roundhouse punches he throws, he'd be completely powerless. -- K. (a) through (f) are usually worn over the leathers, of course, except that (f) can also be worn while naked if I'm doing a one-handed handstand. I won't even mention (g), the full-body Shatner toupee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 21:02:13 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Which body part would a Prince Albert Einstein pierce? His brain. And not just with a ten-gauge barbell. With a Phineas Gage barbell. Then he'd still keep forgetting where he hung his hat, but at least it would make it easier for other people to find it for him since it would be hanging on the end of the rod sticking out of his forehead. That Einstein sure was some bozo! -- K. I am so tempted to buy that tattoo gun I want. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:25:15 -0400 Michael Malloy (vortexofterror@vortexofterror.com) wrote: > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > What I like about the expository writing of kibo, [...] > > is his good humor and edgy effort that deflects the usual banalities. > > Kibo is an untapped goldmine. Year after year, I scratch my head, > wondering why someone hasn't signed him to a book deal. He makes > Dave Barry look like Ann Landers. Heck, I make Tom Of Finland look like Ann Landers. She's a GIRL! > I have half a mind to put together a "Best of Kibo" anthology, print > it to paperback, and send the Heroic Leader an advance cheque for > $500,000. There is no "best" of me. I'm better than best. What's a word that would say that? I'm getting tired of referring to my "tacularness" to imply I'm better than even my own best, and "Tacularness Of Kibo" sounds too much like a rejected "Doctor Who" audiobook. So please coin another swell new word for how groovy I am. And it better be better than "better than best" and at least as good as "no worse than tacular". > Michael "Vortex of Terror" Malloy > 32nd heir to the fortunes of soda baroness Fontana Dew > Witness to the Great Stapler Migration of 1926 > Acting Vice President of the United States, 1943-1945 I swear that when I read that my brainsaw "Great Stapler Migraine" but that's just because I'm coming down with one. Hard day at the office and lack of sleep due to appointments and all that. Don't even get me started on my latest incident with the laundry room. -- K. If one more drunk Red Sox fan on this train tries to steady himself by leaning on my computer, there's gonna be a truncheonin'. Even if it's the tattooed biker at the other end of the car who looks exactly like Brian Posehn with huge muscles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to improve your expository writing. Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 14:15:07 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I swear that when I read that my brainsaw "Great Stapler Migraine" but > > that's just because I'm coming down with one. > > BRAINSAW!! Okay, everyone, bow down and shout in unison, "HERE COMES A MEME!" because the best memes all happen due to typographical errors made by people with migraines. Buh-rainsaw! Great new word. BRAINSAW! I love it. If I weren't already pretending people were willing to call me "Hacksaw" I'd be "Brainsaw". And what about a brainstapler? -- K. I BRAINSAW THAT! I'LL BE BRAINSEEING YOU! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moore Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:26:24 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > [on Lots42 being Michael Moore's less-evil twin] > > What would your documentary be about? > > Hell, what would MY documentary be about? I have to give this some thought. My documentary would be about me violating the (T)'s new rule than I can't take anything larger than FOUR by SIX by TWELVE inches on the Orange Line because anything the size of, say, a briefcase might disrupt the Democratic National Convention and also the (T)'s pamphlet about these security restrictions assures me that FOUR by SIX by TWELVE is the size of a loaf of bread because they're also planning to cut our bread rations. And I don't have to give this any thought. I'm going to keep bringing things bigger than 4x6x12 on the train. Unless they want me to ride naked, they're going to have to allow me to bring my clothing, because there's no way I could fit into a 6x12 pair of pants, even if I still had the ones that came with my Evel Knievel action figure in 1974. -- K. Dear Democrats, If you get your fucking convention out of my city, I will vote for you. Otherwise, I will write in Doug Henning. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Democratic Nuisance Convention (was: Michael Moore) Date: Sun, 27 Jun 2004 23:16:03 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My documentary would be about me violating the (T)'s new rule than I > > can't take anything larger than FOUR by SIX by TWELVE inches on the > > Orange Line because anything the size of, say, a briefcase might > > disrupt the Democratic National Convention and also the (T)'s pamphlet > > about these security restrictions assures me that FOUR by SIX by > > TWELVE is the size of a loaf of bread because they're also planning > > to cut our bread rations. > > Um, Kibo, the bread rations have always been 4x6x12. You're > not some kind of terrorist, are you? The bread rations have always been 20% smaller than they used to be. Any apparent "slack fill" inside the package represents heroic slices that have been sent to feed our troops in Eastasia. Eurasia has always been 20% better than Eastasia. Four by six by twelve equals five. You know, it's call the "Democratic Party", but I don't recall them allowing me to vote on whether it would fuck up my city, nor does it seem like a very fun party if I can't even bring anything larger than half a balloon. -- K. Imagine a jackboot stepping on a loaf of Wonder Bread, forever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Democratic Nuisance Convention (was: Michael Moore) Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 13:49:15 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, it's call the "Democratic Party", but I don't recall them > > allowing me to vote on whether it would fuck up my city, nor does it > > seem like a very fun party if I can't even bring anything larger than > > half a balloon. > > You weren't allowed to vote because you're a Leathercrat, which is an > entirely different party. I think that's only in Finland. > In Engerland, it's called the Tory Party. So how come you still have Tories but not Whigs? We haven't had a President who acknowledged his inner Whig nature in a long time. > > Imagine a jackboot stepping > > on a loaf of Wonder Bread, forever. > > Twelve different ways? Breaks strong bodies _more_ than twelve different ways. Know those yellow and blue dots all over the package? Those are supposed to be balloons. The red dots are just ordinary blood. -- K. And every slice of Wonder Bread is personally stomped on by Howdy Doody. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review of The Da Vinci Code Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:27:40 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > It doesn't deserve all of the publicity that it's getting. > > It's good, it's just not THAT good. Dear Seth, If you liked "The DaVinci Code", someone mailed me another book you would really like. It's called "Atlas Shrugged". > Also, if you are a member of Opus Dei, please don't hurt me! Dear furniture, A table feels no pain, therefore we are not hurting you. We may mar your finish, but a table can't complain. Now keep all four of those legs straight or we will keep hurting you until you admit we are not hurting you at all. -- K. I'm not hurting you, I'm kissing you with my Ayn Rand. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Your chili will soon be square. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:28:41 -0400 [Joe Manfre pointed me to this article on ap.tbo.com:] -> -> CHICAGO (Dow Jones/AP) -- Hormel Foods Corp. is moving its line of -> Stagg Chili out of the can and into juice box-like packaging. I hope they use a better quality of tiny bendy straw, especially for the kind with the beans. -> The new format will be more shelf-space efficient, easier to store for -> the retailer and easier to use, said Michael McCoy, Hormel's chief -> financial officer on Thursday. I don't care, except that if all other chili makers adopt the Brick O' Chili it'll mean no more labels for me to save off cans of exotic poverty-brand chili, and thus I will be able to declare that my collection of xenochili labels is officially and permanently complete. -> The Austin, Minn.-based maker of Spam and other meat products -> announced the new packaging at the Wachovia Securities Nantucket -> Equity Conference. -> -> Stagg Chili's new format is expected to hit store shelves in August. "Have you ever been HIT by CHILI?" *SPLAT* -> The new packaging format will also be used for the Hormel Chili line. -> -> The new boxes, which hold about 10 ounces and serve two people, will -> be neither resealable nor microwaveable, McCoy said. Five ounces of food ought to be enough for anyone. Excuse me, _about_ five ounces. The old cans can in your choice of 15 ounces (entree size) or 10 ounces (hot dog topping size.) I wager twenty quatloos that "about 10 ounces" means "6.2 ounces". Then next year they'll make it 6.2 ounces and say "Now 10% more FREE!" despite the fact that it's never been free. Heck, it's barely even chili, let alone humanity's eternal dream of free chili. -- K. And now Wendy's chili will no longer be the only one to have corners. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Your chili will soon be square. Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 02:12:48 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> CHICAGO (Dow Jones/AP) -- Hormel Foods Corp. is moving its line of > > -> Stagg Chili out of the can and into juice box-like packaging. > > In, I think, Wisconsin (but it might be Iowa -- it's someplace my sister's > lived at some point in the past ten years) there's a Hormel plant with a > water tower which is painted to resemble a can of Hormel chili. Oh my word. Boston once had the Great Molasses Flood in which about two dozen people were suffocated by a massive wave of molasses chasing them down the street very slowly, but imagine the horrors if an earthquake spilled a million gallons of Hormel chili. I'd be screaming, "Help! I can't swim in chili! Also, it's completely flavorless! Either throw me a life preserver or some hot sauce!" > It always freaked my sister out, she explained, because it caused her to > imagine that it was filled with ten foot long kidney beans. And then when Donald Sutherland falls asleep, their tendrils crawl up his sleeve and change him from a human bean to a kidney bean. Then Leonard Nimoy plugs his books, "I Am Not Spock", "I Am Spock", and "Shazbot! I'm Mork!" -- K. Kidney beans are cuter than brain beans or intestine beans. Hey, if kidney-shaped pools make kids pee in them, then what about brain-shaped ones? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: bad day Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:37:20 -0400 I am having a REALLY *FUCKING* BAD DAY and I am about to put my fist through the core of the Earth to send all the continents flying off into space so that everyone dies. I thought the bad day was over when I was walking home from the train stop, but then I realized that in my frazzled attempt to get out of the office before the migraine set in but during a lull in the sudden thunderstorms, I left my keys there. My apartment building charges $25 to unlock a door. Payable in advance. I didn't have $25. And the concierge was away from his desk. I had to wait a while for him to show up, and then I had to argue about the stupid payable-in-advance policy. I got in by showing him I only had $5 and promising to pay him later. (That wasn't good enough for him, but I repeated the show-and-tell until he realized I wasn't capable of pulling greenbacks out of my red hair and wasn't going away.) If the guy's English were better, I would have explained that either he was going to let me into my apartment or else I was going to sleep in the lobby. -- K. They do have a nice black leather couch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More vile lies Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:45:03 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > > > I am the Prime Minister of Mongolia. > > I invented salt. Anyone who eats it becomes my slave for life. > > Jimmy Ray revolutionized popular music. > > Jumping from a second story window never hurt anyone. > > The Holocaust did happen, but at the time the Jews were pretty cool > with it. Yeah, well, I invented "unsalted". Anyone who eats anything unsalted becomes my slave for life. Also anyone who doesn't eat something unsalted has to jump from a second story window. The Jimmy Ray is used to pry open doors from a distance. The Holocaust did happen, except that all history books have mistakenly switched the terms "Holocaust" and "Holodeck". Wesley Crusher killed six million Jews, and Hitler got to live out his fantasy of visiting the 1940s. -- K. I am the Prime Minister of the United States. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toronto dog saves a lot of people by being cute. Date: Fri, 25 Jun 2004 23:54:43 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > FROM CANADIAN PRESS > > > > A man who told police he was bent on going on a murderous rampage > > believed people in his native New Brunswick were nice, so he planned > > to gun down people in Toronto instead -- until a friendly dog > > changed his mind about the city's residents. > > I'm glad to see that the nice doggie was able to stop this rampage > without ruining the guy's theory that mass murder is a good way to > prove how nice you are. I note that he equated the amount of niceness in the entire province of New Brunswick with the amount of evil in the _city_ of Toronto. That's why people in Ottawa are so nice -- Ontario has packed all the province's evilness into one city. It's like the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where the aliens extract all their evil and maroon it on a distant planet in the form of a puddle of toxic printer's ink mixed with even more toxic Metamucil, except that instead of forming their evil into a blob of inky black goop, they made it into Tie Domi and Harry Stinson and the Bata Shoe Museum and the rest of Toronto, except for Tamara. -- K. I'm in a really bad mood today. Quick, someone get me a friendly dog. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toronto dog saves a lot of people by being cute. Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 05:05:15 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's like the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where the aliens > > extract all their evil and maroon it on a distant planet in the form of > > a puddle of toxic printer's ink mixed with even more toxic Metamucil, > > except that instead of forming their evil into a blob of inky black goop, > > they made it into Tie Domi and Harry Stinson and the Bata Shoe Museum and > > the rest of Toronto, except for Tamara. > > *ahem* > > Bouts of evil hatred don't make me a bad person, you know. No, but living in Toronto does. Being surrounded by all that evil invariably rubs off on people. Especially on nice people. And just as all of Ontario's evil is concentrated in Toronto, all of Toronto's niceness is concentrated in Tamara. So you must be bad. Prove you're not bad. Answer this hypothetical question: Suppose you were walking down Yonge Street and you met a guy wearing a black, red, and gold Ottawa Senators third jersey. What would you do to him? (Please give the specifications of all equipment involved.) -- K. Here are some eggs. What would you like to do to them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toronto dog saves a lot of people by being cute. Date: Sun, 27 Jun 2004 20:00:27 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Prove you're not bad. Answer this hypothetical question: > > > > Suppose you were walking down Yonge Street and you met a guy wearing > > a black, red, and gold Ottawa Senators third jersey. What would you > > do to him? (Please give the specifications of all equipment involved.) > > Oh, this is easy. First, I would notice that he was wearing a Sens > jersey and think, "Cool! A Sens fan!" Being born in the Ottawa valley, > this always makes me happy. I would be too shy and reserved to say > anything to him, but would half-smile in a nervous manner, perhaps. You don't have to say anything -- just rip off your clothes and do something. > Secondly, I would silently berate myself for my innate shyness and > reservedness and play out multiple scenarios in my head of what could > have happened had I stopped him to talk or smiled broadly and said, > "Go, Sens!" By this point he would be long gone, making it impossible > for me to overcome my reticent nature. The chant is "Go, Sens, Go!" It's like "Go, Leafs, Go!" except with the same tune, but louder. > Thirdly, I would wonder why he wore a third jersey, which is far less > cool. But if I did get to talk to him, wouldn't bring it up. Out of > politeness. The third jersey is the cool one. The current home jersey (red) looks like something from an all-Preppie version of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." The current away jersey (white) is dreadfully generic, and it features the older, two-dimensional, less menacing version of the centurion logo. The third jersey is black with red stripes and _lots_ of metallic gold rickrack, like if Captain Kirk's evil twin got promoted to Super Admiral. I bought mine a couple years ago, before they switched to the cheaper patches where the mean-looking centurion got all contrasty because they couldn't afford tan and brown thread, and certainly before the big ugly "Pro Player" logo appeared on the front to ruin the whole design. (I do _not_ buy clothes with the manufacturer's logo so prominently displayed. They want to turn me into a walking ad, they better give me _free_ clothes and a sizable stipend.) -- K. Poor Spot! He only got a stypend, which was a styptic pencil shoved up his end! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Coca-Cola C2 Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 00:39:16 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Blah. I think the other C (the one that doesn't stand for "Coke") > stands for "cardboard". I already put the time and effort into liking > Diet Coke, so I'll just stick with that, thanks. GREG greg TAKE take THE the CANS cans OUT out OF of THE the BOX box BEFORE before DRINKING drinking YOU you BO zo. > I miss the Stupid Soda Variation craze of a couple years ago. You mean "of the twentieth century and presumably all future time until the Sun explodes, destroying this solar system's cola industry." Is there any other reason for Coke to exist other than for people to keep trying to make futile attempts to improve its awful flavor? -- K. In my current mood, I want to be able to buy a cola that looks like blood, tastes like blood, and is made from the fresh blood of any celebrity I choose. It would cheer me up so much if someone would drain The Crocodile Hunter right now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's puzzle: The Snug Plug. Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2004 02:03:12 -0400 I recently purchased a rubber item named "The Slip-X Snug Plug". Can you guess which of these selling points are _not_ printed on the package? * Gently massages the male prostate * Seals completely * Fun to use * No more lost plugs * No more annoying chains * Washable * Dishwasher safe * Simple enough for children to use * Feel me, I'm 100% rubber! If you didn't guess correctly, then you're a pervert. -- K. (As opposed to the female prostate?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Sun, 27 Jun 2004 23:34:12 -0400 The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > May I have a hug? If I wanted to be begged for hugs, I would've first forbidden you to ever have one. But I believe I shall allow you to strike a deal for one (1) comforting hug. What you must do, wear, or eat in exchange for this hug depends on what type of hug you want -- bear, octopus, hippie, lubricious, sticky, or with-my-foot. Oh, heck with it, I'll let you owe me. I'll give you an unconditional hug right now without expecting anything in return until an unspecified time of my choosing. No strings attached, until later! And we probably won't agree on whether I should wear zero or two spiked gloves, so we'll compromise on one, that way everyone will be happy. So c'mere, you, and let me hug the very life out of you. -- K. Then if you survive, you can thank me by hugging my ankles while I wait for your brain to reboot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Request Date: Sun, 27 Jun 2004 23:44:34 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > May I have a hug? > > Help yourself, there should be plenty still in the hug bin if a > *certain*person* hasn't pigged them all. Hey, if you're thinking of who I'm fantasizing about, he can be as piggy for hugs as he wants, as long as he remembers the "Oink, oink, sir!" protocol. > Don't forget to put the lid back on when you've finished, we > don't want stale hugs for the rest of the week. Is this the regular hug bin, or the one with the lid that closes from the inside? (I forget whether it's a Rubbermaid or a Playtex product.) -- K. "Oink, sir, oink!" is also acceptable. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The next piece of flotsam you see could be evil! Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 00:14:11 -0400 [from cnn.com] -> -> FBI warns of possible deadly floating material -> -> From Kathleen Koch -> CNN Washington Bureau -> Sunday, June 27, 2004 Posted: 5:32 PM EDT (2132 GMT) -> -> WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The FBI issued a warning last week for state -> and local authorities to be on the lookout for booby-trapped -> floating material in and around the nation's marinas, warning they -> could contain explosives. -> -> A homeland security official told CNN on Sunday there is "no -> intelligence terrorists are planning to or want to do this." But I thought it was a given that the primary goal of terrorists was to kill beachcombing drifter dudes. -> The official said the warning was sent in a weekly bulletin to -> 18,000 state and local agencies, a lightly classified alert that -> outlines possible tactics terrorists could use. Ah, I get it. We're attempting to troll the terrorists by sending "lightly classified" memos (encrypted by being written in Pig Latin) around saying things like "Terrorists could booby-trap flotsam! As much as they want!" just to give terrorists stupid ideas. At least, I hope that's what's happening here. I'm sure our nation's law enforcement system can't just be passing around bulletins written by dippy people, given that all the dips in law enforcement are busy Tasering grannies and substituting plasma cutters for handcuff keys. -> The bulletin says plastic-foam containers, inner tubes and even -> buoys could be rigged to blow up on contact. Uh, inner tubes always did that. At least they did back when they were commonly used for recreational flotation, long before the invention of plastic inflatable toys and tires that don't have doughnut balloons inside. (Don't write me to say that cycles still use them, I mean the inner tubes of the size you might want to use when floating in water. Even eBay lists only three or four of those right now, so they're obviously not as common as those super-rare discontinued Beanie Babies that people only want because they've been discontinued after only a trillion were produced.) -- K. WATCH OUT! THAT INNER TUBE COULD BE FLOATING AROUND WITH FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS OF WET DYNAMITE INSIDE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The next piece of flotsam you see could be evil! Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 13:14:06 -0400 MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from cnn.com] > > -> > > -> FBI warns of possible deadly floating material > > Reminds me of a story that was published years ago, where police in > San Antonio, Texas thought that someone had placed mines in the > Riverwalk canal. > > Seems there were several explosions in the water ... from plastic pop > bottles that had been filled with dry ice. Dear Mark Intercap Edwards aka Mark Hyphen Edwards, Yeah, those blow up real good. And it's the sort of stunt they never even show on "Jackass" because that stunt is _too_ easy for bozos to imitate. > Some years later, the company I worked for received a package that > was packed with dry ice. I remembered the story, and filled a > one-liter plastic Coca-Cola (tm) bottle with dry ice. > > In a concrete-walled warehouse, I placed the bottle in a large coffee > can of warm water. I watched from behind the fork lift, as the dry ice > sublimated. And now you know where the expression "a sublime delight" comes from. > The top of the bottle expanded like a pan of Jiffy-Pop (tm) popcorn, > then exploded as the internal pressure exceeded the strength of the > bottle. It severely mangled the coffee can, and spewed water and > chunks of plastic. Concrete floor and walls make for good acoustics. > > Fortunately, the secretary was the only other person there. She was > on the phone with one of the salesmen, but hung up with an "I've got > to go, I think Mark just killed himself." Did your office have the rule that if one of the employees kills himself, all the others get straight A's on their performance evaluation and a free Porsche? > I thought, "Gee, I bet that just scared the hell out of Susy. I > should go tell her I'm okay." > > As we both rounded the corner (squared the corner?) at the same time, > Susy screamed - not expecting me, and all. FLAWLESS VICTORY! The only way this could have been better would be if the _second_ bottle had exploded at that moment. Of course, that's what the terrorists would do -- they'd rig an inner tube with a tiny amount of explosive and float it in the ocean and if they timed things just right, when the bomb squad sounded the all-clear and took off their blast-proof hoods, _that's_ when the real bomb would go off. So when they're floating these things out into the ocean from Terrorist Beach in Afghanistan, they would just release the inner tube precisely 94.1 minutes before the real bomb so they'd arrive at the right times. > So yes, you can do fun things with dry ice and an empty C2 bottle... C2, V8, OK, never drink any beverage that doesn't even have a whole word in its name. I fully expect that by next year, there will only be about 63 sodas on the market, with named A through Z, 0 through 9, and a handful of icky-tasting fruity ampersands, octothorpes, and so on. (Don't drink the colon.) Maybe Amazon.com's new Web search engine, A9.com, will suffer the same fate as OK soda and (soon) C2. (V8 is still around, and even comes in different flavors of tomato now -- the Calcium-Enriched V8 has a vile tomato-soup-with-chalk-dust flavor, for instance.) Yesterday I was visiting someone and I asked if they had any hot sauce so they offered me a can of Spicy Hot V8. I laughed heartily, as if Brian Blessed had just sunk his little brother's battleship. -- K. I hear the terrorists could rig bottles of hot sauce to explode! Supermarket shoppers beware! NEVER GO DOWN THE CONDIMENT AISLE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Light a Jesus candle Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 03:46:48 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, MountainLion2579 (mountainlion2579@aol.com) wrote: > > There is a purple ribbon project that was started in the heavens and desert > storm that is becoming highly commendable. Trees and churches are being > decorated with these purple ribbons. The second advent of Christ will be the > most wonderful event the world has ever experienced. Yeah, but only if enough gaily-colored ribbons are on trees. It would suck if Jesus told us the Second Coming was ruined by having an inadequate quantity of package trimmings on the local vegetation. > The purple ribbons represent the return of Jesus in the clouds and not > on land! Actually, remember, he's part of the Holy Trinity. Jesus-1 covers high-speed mobile land operations, Jesus-2 can soar to any altitude at supersonic velocities, and Jesus-3 can detach his head and send it underwater while the rest of his body burrows into the Earth. Also each has a jewel in their chest you can wish on... because everyone knows rhinestones are fake and don't have any magical powers, these are plastic jewels, which must work because they're not rhinestones. > Light a Jesus candle at dusk and place the candle on top of a mountain where > the wind wont blow it out, and leave the candle lit until it burns out. A mountain where the wind wouldn't blow the candle out... Hmm... it's going to take a lot of money to send that candle all the way to the Lunar Appenines. Also, it won't be too easy to light it. > The purple ribbons and lit Jesus candle warn about false prophets > and represent Jesus' horrible death and glorious return. No, the purple ribbons mean that Jesus is a lesbian. Or maybe just that the trees are. How come nobody ever picks a ribbon color that hasn't been used 500 times? You never hear about teal or burgundy or ecru or babyshit-brown ribbons. But purple is definitely taken, as a quick Google search indicates: => The Purple Ribbon Campaign for Rape Awareness is an educational => campaign intended to increase the awareness levels of the reality => of rape and sexual assault on college campuses and in surrounding => communities, cities and towns. -> The Purple Ribbon Campaign was created in 1997 by Fellowship of -> the Earth to show solidarity of kindred spirits. => The Purple Ribbon Campaign was initiated by the WomenÕs Action => Coalition of Nova Scotia following the December 6, 1989 killing => of 14 women in Montreal. -> The Purple Ribbon Project (PRP) is a non-profit education and -> awareness effort dedicated to reducing violence in our society, -> our communities, our schools, and most importantly, our homes. => If you are bold, you can display a twist of purple ribbon to => let people know that you are a person with a "Life affected by => cancer", instead of a "Cancer Victim". -> Over forty Children's Aid Societies in Ontario plan to participate -> this year in the Purple Ribbon Campaign, a public awareness program -> for the prevention of child abuse and neglect throughout the month -> of October. => Now, Americans are looking for an appropriate way to symbolize => the losses and heroism of the September 11, 2001 tragedy. Although => it's being forwarded with gusto, the purple ribbon campaign doesn't => seem to be picking up much support. -> In symbolism of the Purple Heart given to men and women of the -> military for their sacrifice for the United States, we seek to -> honor and recognize the sacrifice parents make by displaying a -> purple ribbon with the message "You Gotta Love Parents" and a -> representation of the human heart. => [...] the PRC [Purple Ribbon Campaign] is expanding into all => new sections that deal with every kind of violence. New features => will include domestic abuse, rape & sexual abuse, drunk driving, => suicide, hate crimes, and gay & lesbian issues. -> For Valentine's Day this year (as we have since 1994), we again -> reminded everybody of all the horses who are not going to be -> somebody's Valentine, but who will end up being somebody's dinner -> instead -- by asking them to join us in publicizing this barbaric -> practice by the wearing of a purple ribbon. => Displaying a purple ribbon shows you care about young children => and are aware of their needs. -> In these hectic times, the lives of the Kindred have been burdened -> with many hardships. Although humans have increased in numbers, -> this has only made the hunt more difficult since there are -> eyewitnesses almost anywhere, at any time. The decay of modern -> civilization has brought on self-inflicted diseases. True, those -> who have taken drugs are often easy prey, but their blood is weakened -> from substance abuse and malnutrition, and therefore is nowhere as -> effective as it used to be. [...] -> -> The Purple Ribbon Campaign was born when the Hunger was recognized. -> Several compassionate humans felt the need to do something for their -> suffering fellow beings, undead or alive. What started with merely a -> few individuals soon grew into a movement of some strength. New blood -> is, however, always welcome. => IF YOU GOT HERE FROM THE "HELP THEM" PAGE OR FROM ANOTHER => ANIMAL ABUSE PAGE GO ONE MORE STEP. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING => OTHER THAN GET A 12-14 INCH PIECE OF RIBBON AND TIE IT ON YOUR CAR => ANTENNA. IF YOU DON'T DRIVE PIN A SMALLER RIBBON ON YOUR COAT- => JACKET-SHIRT-BLOUSE OR EVEN YOUR HAT. WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT => IT IS FOR TELL THEM "FOR STRONGER, STIFFER, ANIMAL ABUSE LAWS IN => ALL THE STATES AND COUNTRIES." THERE THAT WASN'T HARD. => => [...] IF YOU ABSOLUTLY CANNOT FIND PURPLE RIBBON, E-MAIN ME AND => I WILL SEND YOU AN ADDRESS TO SEND A SASE TO FOR A RIBBON. So either the purple ribbon is loaded with incredibly important meaning that Jesus is a lesbian vampire drunken horse-driver who is the parent of an abusive child who rapes the horse, or else the purple ribbon is just a meaningless strip of cloth. Now back to the crazy person, as opposed to the well-meaning busybodies and the one vampire dude. > There is a spiritual wickedness of extremely high intelligence that > has plagued the world throughout history and continues strong today. > This wickedness is so intense, devastating and destructive, inflicting > as much torment and anguish imaginable upon innocent and defenseless > life. This wickedness is responsible for much of the evil that abides > in our world, such as the Oklahoma City Bombing (resulting in the deaths > of innocent children), and the destruction of the Twin Towers (resulting > in thousands of innocent people being murdered). Yes, well, all that could have been prevented by putting a ribbon on a tree somewhere. Sure, you probably think that the terrorists wouldn't have just turned around and gone home when they saw the ribbon, but that's because you haven't yet figured out what color of ribbon makes terrorists pee their pants and go home. I'm thinking a mauve-and-puce herringbone pattern. With real herring bones. > Be aware that our world will end in nuclear wars if these demons are > not defeated. Here is a link to more than 900 names of demons that must > be defeated: http://www.geocities.com/paul49200/demons.html. Below, > I have included knowledge of the wicked Pagan God's and Goddesses > that must be defeated. > > The çsatrœ is "belief in the Gods" in Old Norse, the language of ancient > Scandinavia in which so much of our source material was written. The çsatrœ > believe in an underlying, all-pervading divine energy or essence which is > generally hidden from us, and which is beyond our immediate understanding. Yeah, yeah, like they gotta fucking cancel Ragnarok because there's some purple polyester on a tree in my back yard. > They further believe that this spiritual reality is interdependent > with us - that we affect it, and it affects us. The çsatrœ believe > that this underlying divinity expresses itself to us in the forms of > the Gods and Goddesses. Tlazolteotl is the Aztec goddess of fertility > and sex. Qadesh was Middle-Eastern goddess of sacred ecstasy and > sexual pleasure, adopted in the New Kingdom by the Egyptians into a > triad with the gods Min and Reshep. The Seven Sisters are a cluster of > seven individually named stars that are sacred to the Pagan Goddess lore. And the five trillion purple dancing bears are the five trillion dancing bears parading past with an infinitely long banner that says "Hooray, the article abruptly ended here so I can stop trying to think of things for the stupid purple bears to do!" -- K. Then the bears ate Jesus. The End. Sincerely, Phil Dick. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: When potato guns are outlawed, the same idiots will probably still have them. Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 03:59:25 -0400 [from The Ohio News Network, www.onnnews.com] -> -> One Killed, Three Injured In Potato Gun Accident -> -> One person is dead and three others are in the hospital after a -> potato gun explosion. -> -> The Champaign County Sheriff's office says one man was pronounced -> dead on the scene. His identity is not being released until his -> family is notified. -> -> Three other men were injured in the accident. -> -> Thirty-one-year-old Judd Coffey is listed in critical condition at -> Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton. Twenty-two-year-old Jason Anderson -> is listed in fair condition at Miami ValleyÊHospital.Ê The condition -> of 48-year-oldÊRobert Kiser is unknown. -> -> The incident is believed to have happened late Saturday night when a -> potato gun can into contact with gun powder and exploded. -> -> The sheriff's department is still investigating the explosion. Okay, this article's short and garbled, and doesn't answer any of the questions about what the hell sort of potato gun this is that explodes on contact with gunpowder, which isn't normally involved in potato guns to start with. I have no comment except to say that if I were reduced to hanging out with a gang of potato-gun enthusiasts on Saturday nights, I would not mind being blown up because, let's face it, it's a really dopey thing to do on Saturday night when I could be having actual social contact with non-potato-gun-totin' humans. -- K. I want a durian gun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When potato guns are outlawed, the same idiots will probably still have them. Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 13:30:20 -0400 Poppy (aldermeredelete@yahoo.com) wrote: > > And OK, I have to admit, the more I think about target practice using > potatoes, well -- lets just say the idea is growing on me. Pete help us > all, maybe someday I too might be a potato-gun-toter. Dear Al Derme Red Elete, I believe the word you want is "tater", not "toter". Also, the word you really want is "Taser", not "tater". And you want "phaser", not "Taser". And "lightsaber", not "phaser". Come to the dark side. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy blowing up planets with our giant Space Potato. > Wait, isn't oxycontin now also a requirement? LOL Actually, for people who type "LOL", it's Flintstones Chewables. -- K. I prefer Gummi Vites because they don't taste nutritious at all. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: The Joy of Cooking (1997 vs 1975, mentions durian). Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 13:25:06 -0400 Adam (a24061@yahoo.munged) wrote: > > From the 1975 edition: > > 1975> DURIAN > 1975> Fruits of this famous tree, native to Southeast Asia, weigh > 1975> up to 20 pounds and have been described as "smelling like > 1975> Hell, and tasting like Heaven." They are highly favored by > 1975> certain wild animals; and tales abound of Malays who gather > 1975> durians, only to be gathered up in turn by elephants. The > 1975> large seeds are roasted and eaten like nuts. > > From the 1997 edition: > > 1997> Durians: Durians are round, melon sized, and covered with > 1997> sharp thorns and are ripe from April to July. As they > 1997> approach maturity, their aroma becomes as repellent as > 1997> rotting onions (in Indonesia, we are told, one cannot bring > 1997> a durian onto a public bus). When ripe, the shell is split > 1997> open and the buttery flesh scooped out. The flesh bears > 1997> little echo of the odor of the fruit; some find almonds and > 1997> vanilla in the taste. The large seeds can be roasted and > 1997> eaten as a snack. Asian markets sell the flesh frozen, often > 1997> under the name of jack fruit. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, a jackfruit is _not_ a durian. Jackfruit are sweet but don't smell like melting turdsicles. Any normal Asian grocery store would have both -- does "The Joy Of Cooking" also claim that roundeye stores often sell tomatoes as "celery"? Flavor-wise, I definitely don't find vanilla in the taste. I think durian goop tastes like pumpkin guts smell, except really sweet and semi-liquid, like if Snack Pack made Artificial Pumpkin Flavor Pudding With Way Too Much Artificial Flavor, Now In A Lethally Prickly Package That Smells Like A Hyperdoot. The other mistake books like this sometimes make is to point out the trivia-like factoid-oid that durians are the world's most expensive fruit, which is absolutely untrue. A durian typically sells for ten to twenty dollars, whereas I once found a sixty-dollar jackfruit at the Super 88 Supermarket. (Jackfruits are usually very small, but they price them by weight, and they happened to have one mutant one that had grown to durian size.) I would have bought it to send to the Guiness people as the world's most expensive fruit, but I didn't, because it was the world's most expensive fruit. Also, they'd probablly just think it was a durian. -- K. Oh, and durians don't stink until they get really ripe. For the most emotional impact, if you buy a refrigerated one, leave it in the sun a couple days before you open it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Can't Find Durians Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 13:34:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I can't find any durians! I want to get my hands on some! Dear furniture, I will do my best to help you get your hands on them or anything else covered with razor-sharp spikes which exude durian-scented glue that can never be washed off. > Someone, please tell me of a recognizable franchise that sells these. Any large Asian grocery store had better have a bunch of them, usually in an open freezer. Generally they're not in the fruit and vegetable aisle but back with the frozen fish, so that the two stenches will commingle instead of just overlapping. Look for things that look sort of like pineapplish, they're a little larger than American footballs and covered with spiked scales. Usually they are packaged in plastic mesh bags with the spikes sticking out. If they've been kept in a refrigerator they may not stink until you take yours home and let it ripen under your bed. So what sort of furniture are you today? Maybe we should do something nice for all the other people in your area and start selling them durians. Maybe you should be an open-top refrigerator full of durians. -- K. While you're there, be sure to look for a bitter gourd (sometimes called bitter melon.) These look like big cucumbers covered in warts, and come in either pale green or albino varieties. Take a big bite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Can't Find Durians Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 14:23:17 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I have finally gotten my hands on a durian and now I shall consult > this great Internet of ours to figure out how to open it and survive > the stench. Dear furniture, Cut it open with a large, sharp knife. Be warned there are rock-hard seeds inside the size of testicles, and they are surrounded by goop with the texture of custard, inside that fiberglas-like spiky shell you'll be sawing into while it exudes its stanky perma-glue all over your hands. (If you have Kevlar gloves, wear 'em.) The stuff inside that seems the ickiest is the ' 'good' ' part. I'm told some people also like to roast the seeds and eat them, but... No seed that big could be tasty, especially once it's been soaking in that stuff. -- K. On the Internet, all regular quote marks _are_ already accepted as being sarcastic quote marks, so from now on I'll be indicating sarcastiquotes like that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: My Heart Date: Tue, 29 Jun 2004 02:01:12 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Tomorrow morning I have to go have this rig removed and take a stress > > EKG. Life After Fifty With Lousy Genes: It's Not Just For Boyz Anymore! > > Ooh, I had an EKG on Thursday! But not a stress EKG, I don't think. I've only had the opposite of an EKG. Also it was on my neck, not my heart. I'm not sure how much electricity they put in -- probably not enough, as I haven't gone on a murderous rampage in a padded blazer yet. Rrrrr! > [...] > > Oh wait, we were talking about Darla. Best wishes for your heart > and your progression towards cyborgism! Darla, if you get one of those wacky laser penlight pointers installed in your eye socket, I recommend invading the Museum Of Science's "Laser '70s" planetarium show. Then you can make an extra dot on the ceiling to distract everyone from looking over to see what I do when they play "YMCA", which I'm sure they will because it seems to have been one of only three disco songs to have survived The Great Forgetting. -- K. Have you picked out a Borg name yet? It either needs to be a numerical designation of the format "n of n+x" or a Space Roman name like "Corneliax" and "Zontarius". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: My Heart Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 13:18:49 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@nokey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > What, you had kindergarten? Our school district didn't get > > > kindergarten until 1958! I wuz SO robbed! > > > > I wuz robbed, too! My mother thought it would be a good idea for me to > > SKIP kindergarten! So I went to this TESTING FACILITY and had IQ tests > > and all kinds of other BRANE AEROBICS done! And then they said, SEND her > > from PRESCHOOL right into FIRST GRADE! So they DID! And then I was the > > YOUNGEST KID in my CLASS for LIFE! And I was also the SMARTEST KID in my > > class! Until like FOURTH GRADE! > > That is CHILD ABUSE! Kindergarten was finger painting and napping and > playing and stuff. If you love your child, you let her go to > kindergarten and then have her skip like 7th grade or some dumb year > like that where nothing fun happens anyway. Better yet, you have your > child retained in kindergarten every year. I wonder if it is too late > for Mimi... All I remember about kindergarten was that they kept trying to teach us the alphabet when I already knew it (I could read pretty well by then) and I was offended that they had a flip chart showing what all the letters were supposed to look like and it used Futura Medium as the official typeface so the kindergarten "j" looked nothing like any other "j"s in the world, such as the proper Sesame Street "j". That, and I once stole a tiny little wooden peg from a big box of tiny little wooden pegs (which we never used, anyway) just to see if, hypothetically, I could get away with stealing something. And I did. And that's why today I'm so successful and evil. -- K. I think my mother still has that picture of the tree I sponge-painted that looked unusually like a tree for a five-year-old. What can I say, trees are easy if you're not one of those kids who thinks a tree is just a lollipop with stripes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: My Heart Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 23:32:50 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I once stole a tiny little wooden peg from a big box of > > tiny little wooden pegs (which we never used, anyway) just to see > > if, hypothetically, I could get away with stealing something. > > And I did. And that's why today I'm so successful and evil. > > And today? That peg? Is in THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION! Actually, no, I snuck it into an Ikea store and now it's in some bozo's wobbly coffee table. -- K. Seth, who's your bozo? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: My Heart Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 13:33:15 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Kindergarten was finger painting and napping and playing and stuff. > > HA! Kindergarten had its moments, sure. But how quickly we forget > that there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just > as real, but not as brightly lit... a Darkside. And if "Star Wars" had existed in 1972, I promise you I would have accepted the dark side of the Force into my life by the time I entered kindergarten and would have spent all my time strangling the other kids with my mind. Too bad "Star Wars" didn't happen until fourth grade. I tell you, learning how to tap into the vast flow of dark energy concentrated in every school is the best thing you can do if you want to grow up to be some sort of Darth. > Who could forget the endless torture of naptime? Well, if you can end it whenever you want, it's not torture! > Forced inactivity in a confined space (your sleep mat) > for God knew how long... It's not as if you could > check your watch to find out how much longer the > nightmare would last. It's more fun to give the captive a watch that you've rigged to run much slower every day. Also it has an alarm that goes off really loud whenever you haven't moved it for five minutes. Oh, and the watchband gets tighter whenever it wants to. And it's red-hot and poisonous and has a picture of Mickey Mouse with five o'clock shadow on it. > And you had to ASK PERMISSION to get up and USE THE BATHROOM. That's to prepare you for grown-up life, where you have to ask your boss for the same permission once you're sewn into that Thumper suit at Disneyland for minimum wage plus no benefits except limited free passes to the theme park on your days off. > No wonder people flocked to EST training, not being allowed > to go to the bathroom reminded them of their "happy" > childhood. Bunch of sadists, if you ask me. > Not that there's anything wrong with that. There better not be. Especially as the EST trainers were living out the American dream -- discovering a way to make people say suffer _and_ pay money for it. Nowadays, commercialized sadomasochism goes under the name "acupuncture". > But MY GOD< THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!1!! You will think of the children for the next eight hours. If I see in your eyes that your attention is wandering, you will be forced to eat a stale graham cracker with finger paint on your hands. Now get your body into the shape of the "j" from this chart and think of the children. -- K. Did I say you could stop reading this article? No, I didn't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Breaker, breaker, terrorism update Date: Wed, 30 Jun 2004 20:36:34 -0400 [from www.time.com] -> -> Sunday, Jun. 27, 2004 -> -> Eyes And Ears Of The Nation -> -> Thousands of truckers, bus drivers and rest-stop workers are -> being enlisted to spot terrorists. Is this comforting news? -> -> By AMANDA RIPLEY/LITTLE ROCK -> -> On a blazing hot morning last week, 75 men and women of the -> highway -- bus drivers, truckers and van operators -- convened -> at a nondescript office building in Little Rock, Ark., to be -> trained as terrorist hunters. The Department of Homeland -> Security this year gave $19.3 million to the American Trucking -> Associations, which is based in Alexandria, Va., to recruit a -> volunteer "army" called Highway Watch. So far, 10,000 truckers -> have signed on to become amateur sleuths. Over the next year, -> the goal is to add tollbooth workers, rest-stop employees and -> construction crews, creating a corps of 400,000 Village -> people drawn from every state. -> -> Waiting for the training to begin, Jo Anna Cartwright, who -> manages the rural public bus system in northern Arkansas, spotted an out-of-towner who, she said, "sure has a purty mouth." -> said she had not yet encountered any terrorists in her job, as -> far as she knew. "We got a terroristic phone call the other day," -> she said, "but it turned out it was just the boyfriend of an -> employee." And that immediately ruled him out, because everyone knows real terrorists never date. -> Her bus drivers pay special attention to a gentleman -> from Afghanistan who recently married a regular rider, she -> said. Oh my! He might have married a woman who owns a local bus pass just to learn how to ride a bus! Panic! Panic! Sound the alarum! -> Cartwright had come to the training to learn what else -> she could do. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HER RIDE THE BUS IN BANJOLAND, that's what she could do. -> The tutorial was led by Jeffrey Beatty, a security consultant, -> formerly of the FBI and CIA. He started by showing clips of -> alQaeda training videos. "They are out there training for -> operations in the U.S. homeland. Make no mistake about it," he -> said, warning that Little Rock cannot afford to be complacent. Those videos clearly show Al-Qaeda practicing to cross through the impenetrable barrier of a row of old tires set up in America's schoolyards and 24-hour used-tire lots! -> "You're getting a presidential library here -- for a President -> who launched cruise missiles against al-Qaeda," Beatty said, -> referring to Bill Clinton. He also launched cruise missiles against... Oh, hell with it, he makes this all too easy. Bill Clinton is a walking Benny Hill straight line. -> There are not enough police and federal agents to protect all -> of America, but transportation workers could be a "force -> multiplier," he said. "We want to turn the hunters into the -> hunted," he intoned for the first of four times that day. Uh oh. Because he said it an even number of times, now they cancelled each other out and the hunters are the hunters. -> So how exactly does one spot a terrorist on the highway? BAD BUMPER STICKER PLACEMENT. -> Members of Highway Watch are given a secret toll-free number -> to report any suspicious behavior -- people taking pictures of -> bridges, for example, Um. Goodbye, everyone. -> or passengers handling heavy backpacks with unusual care. Do you think they'll let me send you guys a postcard once a year from Guantanamo? -> "We want to hear from you when something just doesn't look -> right," Beatty said. "Say you're out at a truck stop and you -> see someone hanging out near your truck, wearing a jacket. Oh shit. -> Maybe it's too hot out for a jacket. OH SHIT! -> Go back inside, alert someone and check him out through the -> window." -> -> But -- and this is important -- Highway Watch members are just -> messengers, not superheroes, Beatty said. Hey, Ned Beatty, you misspelled "supergeniuses". -> The hotline call center in Kentucky logs the information it -> receives in a database and contacts law enforcement when -> necessary. It usually isn't. Of the 200 or so calls that -> come in each month, only about 10 have anything to do with -> suspected terrorism. Most callers report abandoned vehicles, -> stranded motorists or roadway hazards. And those calls are a complete waste of time. They should just leave the hazards on the highway to make those jacket-wearing terrorists crash their motorcycles. -> Highway Watch members are instructed to look for certain kinds -> of behavior -- not certain kinds of people. "We don't arrest everyone who looks ethnic. Only people who act ethnic." -> "Profiling is bad. Bad, bad, bad," Beatty said. Excuse me, Ned Beatty, that refs unwords. Corrected version reads: "Profiling is quadruple ungood," Beatty said. -> Still, listening to his ominous warnings and the bravado that -> comes easily to the former Delta Force commander, one has no -> difficulty imagining an empowered civilian getting carried -> away. And Americans generally have not reacted well to -> institutionalized nosiness. In 2002 the Justice Department -> proposed something called Operation TIPS, which would have -> encouraged not just truckers but also cable installers and mail -> carriers, among others, to report suspicious behavior. But -> before the program could begin, it was buried in opposition -> from the left and the right. Americans did not want to become a -> "nation of snitches," as the libertarian Cato Institute put it. Plus the cable-TV companies were afraid of losing all that revenue from the hundreds of thousands of terrorists who wouldn't subscribe to Cinemax. -> Highway Watch, which will receive an additional $22 million -> next year, preserves the part of TIPS concerned with monitoring -> behavior in public space. The Department of Homeland Security -> has also launched Port Watch, River Watch and Transit Watch. Is Walter Koenig in charge of all of those? -> Then there are the familiar Neighborhood Watch groups, many of -> which have expanded their missions to include homeland -> security. In New York City, government outsourcing of -> surveillance has even trickled down to doormen and building -> superintendents, thousands of whom are being trained to watch -> out for strange trucks parked near buildings and tenants who -> move in without furniture. If you don't own a sixty-seven inch TV, you're a terrorist! Fortunately even if the doorman misses you moving in without your TV, the cable installer also has a shot at noticing when the terrorists have him attach a cable to the TV set they don't have. -> After the session in Little Rock, two newly initiated Highway -> Watch members sat down for the catered barbecue lunch. The -> truckers, who haul hazardous material across 48 states, -> explained how easy it is to spot "Islamics" on the road: just -> look for their turbans. You know, I was happier back when the stereotype of Americans was "dumb and lazy". Now they work REALLY HARD to be dumb. -> Quite a few of them are truck drivers, says William Westfall -> of Van Buren, Ark. "I'll be honest. They know they're not -> welcome at truck stops. There's still a lot of animosity -> toward Islamics." Eddie Dean of Fort Smith, Ark., also has -> little doubt about his ability to identify Muslims: "You can -> tell where they're from. You can hear their accents. They're -> not real clean people." Also, anyone with round eyeglasses, only two teeth, and bright green skin is probably Japanese. Look at their shoes, they're always marked "L" and "R" for "Reft" and "Light". However, it's not easy to spot a Jap, because none of them are over three feet tall. -> That kind of prejudice is hard to undo, but it's a shame -> Beatty's slide show did not mention that in the U.S., it's -> almost always Sikhs who wear turbans, not Muslims. Don't forget Mexicans playing Sikhs in outer space in "Star Trek" reruns. But the Mexican Sikhs can be spotted because their turbans aren't mere cloth, they're rich Corinthian leather. The only difficulty is telling Khan Noonian Singh from Noonian Soong. The former was a megalomaniacal dictator, while the latter just left Replacement Brent Spiners on dozens of planets for no reason. -> Last year a Sikh truck driver who was wearing a turban was -> shot twice while standing near his tractor trailer in -> Phoenix, Ariz. He survived the attack, which police are -> investigating as a hate crime. Maybe Sikhs should start arming themselves. Carrying daggers or something. -> The Highway Watch website boasts that the program is open to -> "an elite core [sic] of truck drivers" who must have clean -> driving and employment records. In fact, their records are not -> vetted by the American Trucking Associations. At the Little -> Rock event, some came in off the street without preregistering. -> However, the organization is highly security conscious about -> other parts of its operations. It refuses to disclose the exact -> location of its hotline call center (Hyderabad) -> or the number of operators working there. "It could be -> infiltrated," says Dawn Apple, Highway Watch's director -> of training and recruitment. Yeah, and if terrorists infiltrated Highway Watch, they could greatly annoy people by spying on them and going around telling truck drivers to shoot anyone with a turban. -> What's clear is that Highway Watch is a morale booster for -> drivers. Yeah, the ones who are morons need all the morale boosting they can get. -> "I don't want to sound too hokey, but truck drivers are a -> very patriotic bunch," says Mike Russell, a spokesman for -> the organization. "It made sense for us to take advantage of -> what we do every day -- which is, basically, patrol major -> highways through a windshield." And this stops 747s from crashing into buildings in downtown Manhattan in 2001 how? -> Just three days after his training in Little Rock, veteran -> Wal-Mart truck driver Danny Ewell found cause to call Highway -> Watch. On Father's Day, as he was leaving a Red Lobster in -> Johnson City, Tenn., he saw a young man walking between two -> cars with an orange T shirt draped over his arm. Peeking out -> from under the T shirt was a semiautomatic weapon. "Because of -> the training, I knew to look at his height and his hair color, -> and I got the make and plates of his car," Ewell says. -> "Normally I would have just looked at his clothes. But now I -> know to look for things that won't change." Dear total fucking imbecile, Sometimes people change cars, or even their hair color. Still, glad to hear you bragging about not looking at what color his orange T-shirt was. -> Ewell called 911 and Highway Watch. Local police responded -> but were unable to find the man. Ewell, at least, had done his part. And now the country is safe forever. All the people in the government can retire and go home, now that the country is in the hands of these other idiots who we don't even have to bother voting for. -> Copyright (c) 2004 Time Inc. All rights reserved. -> Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is -> prohibited. Or else what? You'll tell the truckers on me? -- K. (they might still be mad that I let my Teamsters membership lapse) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm Date: Wed, 30 Jun 2004 21:38:58 -0400 [from www.surreycomet.co.uk] -> -> Blind man banned from saying 'phlegm' -> -> A blind man's obsession with groping women while talking about -> phlegm has landed him a court ban on using the word and a jail term. Can he say "mucus"? "sputum"? "loogie"? "I've got a frog in my throat"? -> Neil Middlehurst, 49, would ask women for help crossing the road and -> then touch their breasts while talking about sore throats and phlegm. Another new perversion discovered, and you just _know_ he's already put up a huge Web site about it. -> At Kingston Crown Court on Friday, he was sentenced to 16 months -> in jail and given an antisocial behaviour order (Asbo) banning him -> from saying phlegm. He pleaded guilty to three counts of indecent -> assault at an earlier hearing. Hmm. And to think that if two fingers slipped I could have been James "Asbo" Parry. -> Middlehurst, who has previous convictions for similar assaults and -> was jailed for a year in 2001 for indecent assault, will not serve any -> time behind bars because of the period he has already spent in custody. phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm -> The court heard two of his victims offered their help while -> another went to Middlehurst's aid at his request. phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm -> The offences took place in August and September 2003 in Carshalton. phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm Carshalton phlegm! -> Passing sentence, Mr Justice Higgins said: "These offences -> involved nasty and sordid behaviour. -> -> "You have an appalling history of very similar offences and it is -> clear you use your blindness as a vehicle to satisfy your desires. "Blindness Considered As A Vehicle Of Satisfying Desires" by James Tiptree, Jr. is my favorite porn story written by a woman passing as a man. -> "You abused the good nature of your victims such conduct is -> deplorable and utterly antisocial." -> -> The Asbo conditions also state Middlehurst, of Boundary Road, -> Wallington, must only touch women on the shoulder when they help -> him cross the road. What if a woman has a weird deformity so that her boobs _are_ her shoulders? What then? -- K. I think about such practical matters. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Cones To The Rescue! Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 14:10:57 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > -> BERLIN (Reuters) - Five frightened ducklings abandoned by > -> their mother next to a busy German motorway were rescued when > -> police ran after them and trapped them under traffic cones. > > Not mentioned in the story: two of the cones escaped and > are still at large. If you see any waddling traffic cones, > please call the Berlin Polizie at 860-828-7080 immediately. Also in the news yesterday, it was announced that female Berliner Polizei have successfully lobbied for the right not to wear uniform caps when on duty, because the hats muss up their giant blonde Bauhaus-style hair sculptures. => Women Cops Ditch Caps to Save Hair-Dos => => Wed Jun 30, 9:27 AM ET => => BERLIN (Reuters) -- Female police officers in Berlin have won the => right to patrol without uniform caps after complaining their => hairstyles were getting ruined, a committee said Wednesday. => => A new law coming into force in September will allow all women => traffic police officers in Germany's capital to ditch the small => blue flat cap that was giving them bad hair days. => => "The women complained that the caps were hard to fasten and caused => considerable problems with their hair-dos," Heinz Buschkowsky, the => mayor of the Berlin district of Neukoelln, told Reuters. "We were => sympathetic to their wish to get rid of it." => => The woman can hang up their caps in exchange for baseball caps or => choose to wear no headgear, he said, without commenting on whether => the same rules would apply for men worried about their hair. Since when have "men worried about their hair" wanted to take a hat off? How seriously could you take a German policewoman in a baseball cap? They should have Viking helmets or something. Maybe a helmet with one of those barbed spikes on top, like that guy who invented the Kaiser roll. If it has to be a sports hat, at least make it a hockey helmet. German motorcycle cops get those really cool green leather outfits with matching helmets, I don't see why the metermaids should have to wear sissy little hats just because they're metermaids and not rugged, manly bike cops. -- K. The Berliner Polizei have a motorcycle stunt team. Their Web site has a really disturbing picture of a line of cops in leather doing headstands with their legs splayed, as a bike jumps over their crotches. At least, I hope he's jumping over them and not just deliberately landing on them to toughen them up. http://www.Berlin.de/polizei/Wirueberuns/mospogru.html ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Cones To The Rescue! Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 20:58:58 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > An orange cone on a long handle. I call dibs on this invention. > > You can use that orange cone on a stick for people > with bad hair. That would really go over well on a > subway car, for example. Your fellow passengers would > probably reward with you gallon jugs of durian juice. Okay, I am officially calling anti-dibs on the thing I now deny having invented. I also refuse to accept the Nobel Prize for it. (There are plenty of other reasons I deserve one.) > And if you flipped the cone upside down, it'd make > an excellent funnel for the durian juice. Um. That's not what those funnel-gags that strap onto your face are for. Or at least, it's very slightly more sickening than what they're intended for. -- K. You pervert. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Cones To The Rescue! Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 14:33:12 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > -> > -> BERLIN (Reuters) - Five frightened ducklings abandoned by > -> their mother next to a busy German motorway were rescued > -> when police ran after them and trapped them under traffic > -> cones. > -> > -> Drivers had called police to warn that a family of ducks was > -> dangerously close to traffic on a highway in northern Germany. > > How the heck did these drivers even see them, driving past them at 200 kph? Maybe the duckies were moving in the same direction at 190 kph. > -> "When the squad car arrived the mother duck fled across the > -> railing of a bridge and into the Oker river and left behind > -> five ducklings," police in the city of Braunschweig said in a > -> statement Wednesday. > > And they chased the ducklings? It was the mama who was acting > suspicious! Not even a German cop would be brave enough to manhandle an angry mama duck. They're so mean that they don't even need teeth! Ducklings, on the other hand, are cute cuddly little things. > -> After a zig-zag chase, the ducklings were reunited with their > -> mother and swam away. > > Not even for my own ducklings would I run zigzags across a German > motorway. I would, but only if German cops were chasing me. So that's how they could catch the mama duck -- they could chase me towards her. Then they could put a big orange cone over me. > But I'll have to try traffic cones next time. All I have is a net on > a long handle, and they can usually evade that. An orange cone on a long handle. I call dibs on this invention. What should I call this invention for putting a dunce cap on someone from a distance? "The Internet" is already taken. -- K. And how can I sell 50,000 of them to the Polizei? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Orange Cones To The Rescue! Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 23:26:47 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > An orange cone on a long handle. I call dibs on this invention. > > > > What should I call this invention for putting a dunce cap on someone > > from a distance? "The Internet" is already taken. > > "Intellosnuffer"? That would actually be a better name for a prostate massager that goes in through a hole drilled in your brain -- oh, wait, I thought you said "Intellostuffer". Never mind. -- K. I guess I should stop drilling now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Woman Reportedly Puts Ice in Maid's Bra Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 15:09:43 -0400 "Woman Reportedly Puts Ice in Maid's Bra". Can't ask for a better headline than that. [apnews.myway.com] -> -> Woman Reportedly Puts Ice in Maid's Bra -> -> Jun 30, 8:18 PM (ET) -> -> SINGAPORE (AP) -- A 30-year-old mother of two was jailed for -> 14 weeks for kicking her maid and putting ice cubes down her -> underwear in the latest case of maid abuse in Singapore, a -> local newspaper reported Wednesday. -> -> High Court chief justice Yong Pung How dismissed Ong Ting Ting's -> appeal to reduce her sentence for abusing Filipina Jean Ganzon in -> July 2002, the Straits Times said. -> -> The newspaper said Ong was angry with Ganzon for opening a window -> while ironing. Ong began kicking the 29-year-old maid and stuffing -> ice cubes down her bra and shorts while making her stand in front -> of a fan, the paper said. Which fan was it? Was it the Comic-Book Guy from "The Simpsons", or merely someone who enjoys a good ice/underwear/maid interaction just like everyone else? -- K. And why aren't people talking about the Wonderbra constantly any more, the way they did in 1994? What the hell was the deal with that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 21:05:43 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Yesterday I bought One Thousand Five Hundred (1,500) ladybugs. Hey Ladybug Rain Man, Stop counting your bugs and just eat 'em already. > I will buy 1,500 more on Monday. Wow, you eat fast. Serving size is supposed to only be 500. > This is enough of a special event that I wanted to post about it. > > And now I have. So tell us how long it took for you to check them all to make sure there weren't any gentlemanbugs mixed in having the time of their lives. -- K. I bought a frozen pizza today, but you don't hear me telling everyone about it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 12:54:54 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bought a frozen pizza today, > > but you don't hear me telling > > everyone about it. > > You just did. Hey furniture, How _dare_ you pop out of the Obvious Bag to contradict me, you disobedient furn-face. Just for that I'm going to get the belt-sander and strip your finish off until I can see your raw woodgrain. > -- S. > I made an annoying post attempting to make Kibo's head spontaneously > explode, but you don't hear me telling ANYONE about it, especially > since you can't hear someone convey a message on the computer, unless > you recognize the distinct sound that each key makes as you type it. Seth, sometimes when we don't hear you, it's not because we can't, but because we just don't want to. Now get back in the bag, so I can put the bag back in its box, which gets put in the trunk, which is in the car that gets driven to the wrecking yard where it gets crushed into a cube, which is then put inside another car, which is then crushed into a little cuboctahedron like in that "Star Trek" episode where Kirk yells "I'M STIMULATING HIM!", and then we mail you to Shatner's house with a note saying "NEW UNDETECTABLE WIG INSIDE, TO OPEN THIS PACKAGE USE DYNAMITE." -- K. Five Imaginary Internet Dollars to the person who draws the best version of that sequence of events in the style of an Ikea instruction sheet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 23:44:03 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [to someone or something] > > > > Hey furniture, > > > > How _dare_ you pop out of the Obvious Bag to contradict me, you > > disobedient furn-face. > > > > Just for that I'm going to get the belt-sander and strip your finish > > off until I can see your raw woodgrain. > > Oooh. Finally. Finally Kibo's talking my language. Finally? I've been speaking English all these years. Did you think you were Egyptian until you got hit on the head by a flowerpot yesterday? > Tell me more, baby. What grit you got in that belt-sander, hmmm? Oh, > yeah. What kind of grain we gonna see, huh? Yeah. That's real nice. Beg me. Beg me good, long, and hard. Then maybe I'll tell you eight new hobbies one can do with one of those paint-strippers that fits into your power drill and looks like a little metal disk with a bunch of wire dreadlocks dangling around the perimeter. And did I mention my spot welder draws 30 amps, no matter who touches it? -- K. Remember, in my workshop, only I get to wear the safety goggles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 00:14:54 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Tell me more, baby. What grit you got in that belt-sander, hmmm? Oh, > > > yeah. What kind of grain we gonna see, huh? Yeah. That's real nice. > > > > Beg me. Beg me good, long, and hard. > > What? The above paragraph _was_ my good, long and hard. That's it. I'm > not getting any younger, you know. I don't have time for a lot of BS. > > Also, I have that whole short-attention-span thing, so 5 sentences is > pretty much my limit. So now you're going to tell me, in five sentences, five reasons why I should tell you about my hot exciting belt sander action. And for every reason that's not sufficiently clever, you'll have to come up with twenty-nine replacements. Begin. > > Then maybe I'll tell you eight new hobbies one can do with one of those > > paint-strippers that fits into your power drill and looks like a little > > metal disk with a bunch of wire dreadlocks dangling around the perimeter. > > Well, I don't have one of those. You got anything for a reciprocating > carver? I just got one off of ebay. Lady, if you're trying to talk dirty, the word "eBay" is not appropriate. -- K. What's next, a product placement for Flooz.com? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 20:14:19 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Also, I have that whole short-attention-span thing, so 5 sentences > > > is pretty much my limit. > > > > So now you're going to tell me, in five sentences, five reasons why > > I should tell you about my hot exciting belt sander action. And for > > every reason that's not sufficiently clever, you'll have to come up > > with twenty-nine replacements. Begin. > > Um. Well, I did, and it was brilliant, but then my computer crashed > and lightening hit the Internet and Harlan ate my homework. But it was > freaking clever, oh yeah, you can take my word for it. That was two and a half sentences. So you still owe me two and a half more, plus the 72.5 replacements for the bad ones. > > [...] > > Lady, if you're trying to talk dirty, the word "eBay" is not appropriate. > > What's next, a product placement for Flooz.com? > > You know, that might be a good challenge: Who can write the best > alt.sex-stories product placement post? That's trivial, as long as I can choose the product. And do you know what those holes in White Castles are _really_ for? -- K. Or are you going to limit me to unerotic dot-coms? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 23:46:57 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And do you know what those holes in White Castles are _really_ for? > > Breathing, of course. Be notified that you have achieved every Internet user's goal in life: You have invented a new perversion. Your "Full-Body White Castle Patty Mummification" kink is not just okay, it is delicious. Good thing they stick to anything so that you wouldn't need to use some of that awful pink ketchup as adhesive. Probably easier than bacon mummification, too, because the Hormel corporation still hasn't acted on my suggestion that they make bacon in fifty-yard spools. -- K. But why _five_ holes? Something about hockey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This band also likes my photos Date: Thu, 01 Jul 2004 21:11:12 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I think the _Chicago Manual of Style_ calls for NO apostrophe, unless > > the stem is a single letter. So, Oakland A's, but MP3s. > > > > I would double-check for you, but I burned that orange piece of shit > > when I left journalism. > > As for me, I get paid to do that kind of shit, and I don't see any of > you clowns clambering for access to my PayPal account. Quick, someone get the PROFESSIONAL WRITER a dictionary so that he can learn the word "clamoring" and how it's a completely different word than "clambering" because he clearly didn't have time to learn that because he was busy being a PROFESSIONAL WRITER and us clowns should bow down before the PROFESSIONAL WRITER. -- K. (professional cro-mudgeon) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 00:24:19 -0400 Rich Siegel (siegel@spamcop.net) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, radar detectors are so...passe. Radar JAMMERS are the way to go. > > > > Sure, the tumors on my balls are annoying, but I can now drive to the > > oncologist's office at 95 MPH, so it's all good. > > And when they catch you with the radar jammer, they send you to > pound-me-in-the-ass prison, and that's all good too, right? I have absolutely no complaints if they send Karlo to pound-Rich-in-the-ass prison. Especially if they just pound Rich in the ass instead of raping him. Do you know if they use a sledgehammer or a giant clown-size mallet? Be sure to hide a Philips screwdriver in an unused body cavity in case it's a Chinese prison. They use leg irons that have little plates screwed over the locks to keep you from picking them. -- K. BLEEP! Radar detector requires your attention. Please bring it to the foreground. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 13:01:51 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I have absolutely no complaints if they send Karlo to > > > > pound-Rich-in-the-ass prison. > > > > > > Uh, I do? > > > > Nobody said they could only send one of you there. > > Yeah, but I don't have the proper... I'm sure there's surgery you can get to correct that. In fact you should get it before yoy explode, because I don't know how you survived for so long without one of those. Most people poop. > No. No. This thread is not going the way I'd expected. Honey, if made this thread go queer, it's going to stay that way. Then this thread will weave itself into a fabulously sheer coral muscle shirt. -- K. Maybe you'd be in a better mood if you could poop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 21:31:21 -0400 Earlier today I wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > No. No. This thread is not going the way I'd expected. > > Honey, if made this thread go queer, it's going to stay that way. The missing word there was intended to be "you", but "you" somehow got lost during editing while "you" were trying to gay me up. -- K. Now stop it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My exciting new hair color Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 23:52:21 -0400 My hair is now a very deep (but saturated) red with just a hint of orange, exactly the same as a dried chili pepper. It has a nice sheen to it. I did this with a packet of Ardell Lights & Brights Really Red color enhancer mixed with half a jar of Manic Panic Infra Red. I couldn't do my favorite (bright orange) or anything else bright (such as gold or purple or the cyan I'd like to try) because I need to stick to dark colors as I can't bleach my hair again until I shave my head and let it grow out. So don't be surprised if I go to black hair and then no hair next before the brilliant orange returns. When your hair is as intensely colored as mine is, you have to start accessorizing to match it (those of you with boring human hair colors have it so easy.) I have various bright orange items now -- sunglasses, the "flame" jacket, a keychain, even orange Hiatt 2010's -- but I don't have any dark red accessories. At least I have some maroon shirts I can wear under my black jackets. Black with maroon accents is one of my favorite color combinations, which is why I'm happy to have finally gotten my hair this shade of deep red. -- K. I suppose there are other ways to add some blood-red spots to my clothing, but the Red Cross says I'm not allowed to bleed on purpose. (If you ever die of blood loss in a car accident, it's 'cause the Red Cross would rather let you die than put gay blood in a straight person. They'll test straight blood for HIV, but they won't even try to test gay blood.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 21:55:57 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I couldn't do my favorite (bright orange) or anything else > > bright (such as gold or purple or the cyan I'd like to try) because > > I need to stick to dark colors as I can't bleach my hair again until > > I shave my head and let it grow out. > > I'm glad to see that you are (in a sense) taking care of your hair. Did > you learn how many times you could bleach it through experience? How else would I? My hair is not something you can look up in an encyclopedia. My hair is different and special and requires an empirical approach in order to determine its endurance limits. I take an Ivan Drago approach to hair care. I WILL BREAK MY HAIR. > And have you done green? I'd like to see green. Tell you what. If they _ask_ me to be in Boston's Drunken Jerk Parade next spring, I'll dye it green. Otherwise, NO. In Boston, green hair is a political statement, slightly less subtle than wearing a "TEDDY KENNEDY FOR PRESIDENT" t-shirt. > Although personally, I'd do mine blue in a heartbeat if I wasn't > so weird about my hair now. I don't know what you look like, but yeah, blue would be a big improvement. Tell you what, I might consider dyeing my hair green to march in your people's Keltic pride parade if you dye your hair with blue and black horizontal stripes to march in my people's parade. -- K. Oh, and I leave the forty-vol bleach in for an hour, even in my mustache, because I am tougher than any caustic chemical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 17:13:04 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I'm glad to see that you are (in a sense) taking care of your hair. > > > Did you learn how many times you could bleach it through experience? > > > > How else would I? My hair is not something you can look up in an > > encyclopedia. My hair is different and special and requires an > > empirical approach in order to determine its endurance limits. > > Well, perhaps your fun little bleach kits come with big lines of text > reading, "WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT REPEATEDLY ON YOUR SCALP LEST > YOU BURN THE FLESH FROM YOUR SKULL IN AN UNSIGHTLY MANNER." Or something. Most of the hair dye I've been buying these days says "For Professional Use Only" instead of having instructions and free plastic gloves and a tiny brush and so on. It's a lot cheaper to go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy the real stuff instead of getting an overpriced kit with lots of Cracker Jack prizes at the drugstore. And you wind up saving money by buying the stuff like gloves separately (they're better ones, too.) Even stuff like Manic Panic that you can get elsewhere is tremendously cheaper at Sally, with or without their discount card (Manic Panic is $10 from the manufacturer, $8 from the punk store, $6.50 from Sally with the discount card. Sally doesn't carry a lot of orange shades, but I know how to mix the yellow and red ones.) Next time I bleach, I'll probably be doing it using a jug of 40-vol developer from Sally Beauty Supply. I haven't bought any dye at the drugstore in ages (the product lines carried in drugstores like to pretend hair dye can look natural, so they just have ugly fake orange-brown colors and not the fluorescent orange I like) and I've used up the last of the "non-professional" bleach I'd been buying at Walgreen's. I need to get out of the habit of leaving the bleach in so long, it really doesn't help. Leaving the color in long, that's the important part. I'm still just learning how to do this right, but I think I've figured out that I'm supposed to first use bleach plus 40-vol developer for a short time, then color plus 30-vol for a longer time. The other thing I always do which is bad for my hair is to wash and rinse it in hot water, but that's because (a) I like hot water and (b) even if I didn't, all the water coming out of my apartment's faucets is hot enough to be the title of a Ray Bradbury novel. > > Oh, and I leave the forty-vol bleach in for an hour, even in > > my mustache, because I am tougher than any caustic chemical. > > Hey, colour your eyelashes and get back to me on how tough you are. > I've heard that that shit stings! Even if I wanted to go blind, I still wouldn't bleach my eyelashes. I like glossy black lashes. WINK! -- K. One great thing about my current maroon color: My bathroom sink looks like someone was murdered in it. Cool! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 22:16:58 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My hair is now a very deep (but saturated) red with just a hint of orange, > > exactly the same as a dried chili pepper. > > If your hair is how I imagine it, that is a fabulous color. It's exactly like you imagine it, except masculine instead of fabulous. > > When your hair is as intensely colored as mine is, you have to start > > accessorizing to match it > > Black is the best. Durhey. There is no such thing as brown leather. > Also makeup has to coordinate with the hair, but you are bearded and > therefore probably not wearing makeup. Geez, no. Makeup is for girls and Dan Rather. > If you do, please, don't put it on like Elton John. His makeup > technique is pitiful. How can you tell? His eyeglasses cover his whole head! > > the Red Cross would > > rather let you die > > than put gay blood > > in a straight person. > > So I have to specifically request gay blood? Since when did the > hospital give you a blood menu before trying to save your life? You can't get gay blood, no matter how gay you are. All they can do is put regular blood in you to try to straighten you out. -- K. I could lie to the Red Cross in order to donate blood, but I won't lie for as wimpy a reason as altruism. I'll only lie if money is at stake. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 16:05:52 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You can't get gay blood, no matter how gay you are. > > At least not from the Red Cross. Did I just hear someone coming in late? > (Their logo, for some reason, is amazingly effective at > conjuring up the name of the organization.) An odd coincidence, as their logo was merely designed to keep Dracula from crossing the street. > I recommend the Home Blood Transplant Kit by Acme. > It has two needles, some rubber tubbing, and duct tape > (hamster not included). I'm sorry, but if I ever want to put my blood in a tub, it's not going to be a rubber tub. I need to keep my rubber tub full of potato salad for when Howard Cunningham comes to visit. > > All they can do is put regular blood in you to try to > > straighten you out. > > You'd think, after 82,590,372 failed experiments, they > would begin to reach the conclusion that it can't be done. Hey, they wouldn't have a cross in their logo if they didn't hate gay people. UH-OH! TOO FAR! What punishment do I get for saying politically- incorrect things about an entire organization devoted to telling me that my blood cells are inherently evil? -- K. If they were put in a straight guy's body, you could look through a microscope and see the cells giving each other makeovers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 20:30:02 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, they wouldn't have a cross in their logo if they didn't > > hate gay people. > > "Gay terrorist sabotages blood supply by repeatedly > donating blood. Bio-film at eleven..." I think Gilbert Shelton hit the nail on the head back in an old "Fat Freddy" comic book where the Commies plotted to destroy the American military by spiking our country's water supply with a drug that turns men gay. The drug was called "tee-hee". I bet that comic made people in the Pentagon shit bricks ("That rat Shelton is going to give the real Commies ideas for the most horrible thing that could ever happen!") It would be so cool if things worked like that. You could say, "I'm straight, but I'd like to find out why those gay people are always raving about how much more fun they have, so I'm going to take a Gay Pill tonight and then if I don't like it tomorrrow I'll buy a bottle of Gay-Away. I hope the drugstore has the liquid kind and not just the giant suppositories." > > UH-OH! TOO FAR! What punishment do I get for saying politically- > > incorrect things about an entire organization devoted to telling > > me that my blood cells are inherently evil? > > A scarlet star. Because in Soviet Russia, the Reds CROSS YOU! I'm pretty sure the entire Soviet government was gay. I mean, look at those gas masks they issued everyone -- Soviet gas masks were basically latex bondage hoods with no protective value. Then there were those big green felt coats with the wasp-waisted J. Peterman cut. And the soldiers' boots! Gay people really seem to like them, at least the ones who compliment me on my footwear. > P.S. Lenin was so gay Yeah, but look at Stalin's mustache. He's such a Village People wannabe that people call him "Stalin Powell". -- K. If Russians aren't all gay, then how come Russia is technically part of Europe? Europe is the gayest continent! It's the San Francisco of the world! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 16:33:18 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > I recommend the Home Blood Transplant Kit by Acme. It has two > > needles, some rubber tubbing, and duct tape (hamster not included). > > The rubber tubbing must be to catch any excess spill-off. > I guess you can use the contents of the tubbing to make a > tasty sausage. Hamster sausage? Eww. Who are you, Trader Joe? Speaking of novelty snacks made from gay blood, anyone have any idea why they took "AYDS" diet candy off the market in the 1980s? An old issue of The Naming Newsletter commented on their branding: -> -> A few years back, the chairman of the parent company said, "Obviously, -> our product does not give anyone AIDS. But with a name like Ayds, -> we'll have to do some re-marketing. We are looking at all aspects -> of the problem, and that includes the name." I wonder if it was one of the "other aspects of the problem" that did them in. Anyway, I don't think you can pick up a case of AYDS at the drugstore any more. That was back when you could get Peanut Butter AYDS. (Probably wasn't worth it.) -- K. And what about the GAF Viewmaster? That's the one that should've come with the roll of duct tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 01:53:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, I don't think you can pick up a case of AYDS at the drugstore > > any more. That was back when you could get Peanut Butter AYDS. > > (Probably wasn't worth it.) > > In Austria, you could also get candy cigarettes called FAGS up until the > 1990's (a lot of people would love to have a pack now just for the > novelty value.) Here in the U.S., they do make special cigarettes just for gay men. They're called "cigars". > They are still for sale but they now call them "FADS" Wouldn't "FABS" have been more appropriate for them to maintain their image as queen of the gay children's cigarette market? In the U.S., there aren't any cigarettes just for gay children, but there are plenty of cereals just for gay kids. Ever looked closely at the Trix rabbit? To say nothing of the Quisp guy. -- K. I won't even mention Snap and Pop. (Crackle is straight, but he's also the only one of the three who's not real.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 14:29:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here in the U.S., they do make special cigarettes just for gay men. > > They're called "cigars". > > Criminy! I think my fingers are gay! Please don't tell my wife. Stop smoking your fingers! It's unhealthy because they don't have filter-tips. Get some implanted then you can light your fingers all you want. > > In the U.S., there aren't any cigarettes just for gay children, but > > there are plenty of cereals just for gay kids. Ever looked closely > > at the Trix rabbit? To say nothing of the Quisp guy. > > And Captain Crunch the randy sailor, and that even- > oTTo-with-borken-gaydar-can-tell-he's-gay leprechaun > for Lucky Charms... Dude, who broke your gaydar? Was it Frankenberry or King Vitaman? You know, I actually can't think of one cereal character who doesn't peg the needle of my gaydar. (They don't make Mr. T cereal any more.) -- K. Remember Fruit Brute? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 13:43:55 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My hair is now a very deep (but saturated) red with just a hint of orange, > > exactly the same as a dried chili pepper. It has a nice sheen to it. > > [...] > > I really feel that to be on the safe side of things you ought to walk > around with signs hanging on your front and back. > > ------------ > | I AM NOT | > | | > | ON FIRE | > ------------ But then I'd die if I actually caught fire. I'm thinking more along the lines of a different sign -- maybe even one with corners -- +--------------------+ | I MAY BE ON FIRE | | | | JUST TO BE SAFE, | | PAT ME OUT! | +--------------------+ -- K. When I get around to doing ice blue hair, what should the sign say? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 23:37:35 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > +--------------------+ > > | I MAY BE ON FIRE | > > | | > > | JUST TO BE SAFE, | > > | PAT ME OUT! | > > +--------------------+ > > > Not safe enough. I'm going to start following you around with big > buckets of sand. Change "sand" to "White Castles soaked in hot sauce" and I am _there_, baby! > > When I get around to > > doing ice blue hair, > > what should the sign say? > > +--------------------+ > | | > | WAKE ME WHEN | > | IT'S BINGO NIGHT | > | | > +--------------------+ I don't spend money on bingo. You see, I have a problem. The problem is that when I'm around insane people frantically rubber-stamping two dozen Bingo cards simultaneously with Mike-Jittlov-performing-dentistry expressions on their faces, I tend to start trying to turn it into a game of Fizzbin To The Death and they have to throw me out because I just can't stand _not_ to interfere with hundreds of people who are voluntarily hypnotizing themselves on listening to the meaningless code numbers that might lead to them winning ten bucks towards the eight bags of potato chips they'll have for dinner. Bingo is for people built like school bus drivers, but without the brilliant minds. -- K. Kill me when it's Bingo night. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 14:15:04 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When I get around to > > doing ice blue hair, > > what should the sign say? > > +-----------------------------+ > | | > | I'm not raspberry flavored, | > | but you can lick me anyway. | > | | > +-----------------------------+ I said ice blue, not raspberry blue! Raspberries are a deeper shade of blue. Everyone knows that ice is cyan and raspberries are dark blue. Oh, and plums are purple all the way through, and cinnamon is fluorescent red, and carbonated sugar water is brown. How are you ever going to be a gourmet chef if you don't know what colors to add to your chemicals? You'd wind up making cake frosting without the bright yellow dye and people would complain that it wasn't French Vanilla, it was icky regular vanilla! -- K. But you can lick me anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I don't care if he's a general, I won't call Colin Powell "Mister Eagle". Date: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 16:08:16 -0400 [from news.yahoo.com] -> -> Colin Powell Sings Village People Song -> -> Fri Jul 2, 1:03 PM ET -> -> By SLOBODAN LEKIC, Associated Press Writer -> -> JAKARTA, Indonesia -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell donned -> a hard hat and tucked a hammer in his belt Friday to perform a -> version of the Village People's hit "YMCA" at the conclusion of -> Asia's largest security meeting Attention everyone: the world is seriously fucked. Both because the U.S. government's new form of diplomacy is this silly, and because they didn't even let General Powell be the soldier. -> -- which tradition says ends with a night of skit and song. -> -> Powell danced alongside five other U.S. officials dressed in fancy -> dress and blasted out a version of the 1970s disco classic to the -> delight of foreign ministers from across the Asia-Pacific and -> Europe. Ooh! Apparently I am often dressed in "fancy dress"! I am a fancy lad! No, wait, apparently not. Inspecting the blurry little news photo on the Web, it seems that Colin Powell's version of the Village People doesn't include me. As best as I can make out, from left to right: * A cowboy. * A soldier. * An Indian chief. * A cop. * A guy in a Kangol hat, sunglasses, and Hawaiian shirt. * A construction worker. Apparently the "leather enthusiast" has been replaced by Hunter S. Thompson. Just think, if I worked for the State Department, I'd have been guaranteed a free trip to Indonesia since they obviously couldn't find anyone who was brave enough to even _pretend_ to wear leather for an hour. Apparently the State Department is a bunch of sissies! For your inspection, here's the clearest photo I could find of Disco Hunter S. Thompson: http://www.foxnews.com/images/130324/0_22_powell_ymca2.jpg -> "President Bush, he said to me, Colin I need you to run the department -> of state. We are between a rock and a hard place," Powell and his -> colleagues sang to the tune of the disco classic. Okay, finally, we have proof that real Village People songs rhyme better than _something_. Heck, even Archimedes Plutonium's parody of "A Mighty Fortress Of Our God" had closer scansion to the original, despite him replacing "God" with "Plutonium". -> The after-dinner show is an annual highlight of the ASEAN Regional -> Forum, a time for ministers to loosen up after discussing security -> issues. Footage of the closed-door event was obtained by -> Associated Press Television News. That sound you just heard was Jon Stewart creaming his jeans. If this isn't on "The Daily Show" Monday night (11pm, Comedy Central) I will eat my leather cap and spend a full day in a Kangol hat and a Hawaiian shirt. After seeing this footage, I can offer some mild criticism: Colin Powell's karaoke skills are somewhere below John "Bowtie" Barstow's, in that all notes he yells out are the same pitch, and the same duration, and every two, notes, have, the, same, pause, between, them. I think he might be one of those gay Daleks from the new "Doctor Who". He was last spotted in a cosmetics store yelling "FAB-U-LIZE! FAB-U-LIZE!" Also, the other five people should really try facing in the same direction. I get the feeling some of them were too embarassed to even look at the audience while Colin Powell was torturing them. -> The Russian delegation, headed by that country's Foreign Minister -> Sergey Lavrov, sang a version of the Beatles "Yellow Submarine" as -> a women waving a Russian flag ran around the dinner tables. This article's failure to differentiate between single and plural Russian women in no way impairs its ability to imply that any one Russian woman is as burly as two women. Shame on you, Associated Press. No Russian woman is as lumpy, awkward, and clumsy as Colin Powell. -> Indian Foreign Minister counterpart Natwar Singh read a poem -> before his delegation burst into a song. "I'm not worried -- but -> the audience should be," Singh told The Associated Press before -> attending the gala dinner. Hey, in India everyone bursts into song every two minutes. Fortunately for them, nobody can tell whether anyone in India is singing off-key because their microphones are always cranked up so that all the distortion drowns out the music. -> In 1997 Madeleine Albright, bowled over the ministers when she -> performed a musical skit dressed as Evita Peron. Colin Powell, on the other hand, boweled over the ministers with his crappy performance. (One's a form of kegling, the other's a form of kegeling.) -> The traditional jamboree at the conclusion of the conference is -> closed to the press, but reporters regularly go out of their way -> to get the scoop. And thanks to the Web, you too can see and hear Colin Powell being dorkier than a pile of fifty Al Gores and two Potsies here (accompanied by different versions of the same article): http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/powell_village_people http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/07/03/powell.ymca.ap/ http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3114021 http://www.katu.com/news/story.asp?ID=68865 I had great difficulty getting any of those to play for me, but it was worth it to witness something so repulsive. The KATU video worked well in Windows Media Player. (The work I do tracking down such important news stories for you people.) -- K. That's when someone came up to me, And said, young man, take a walk up the street! There's a place there, they call it A.R.K, They can start you back on your way! It's fun to read stuff by K-I-B-O, It's fun to read stuff by K-I-B-O! (And THAT is why I would make a better Secretary Of State than Colin Powell, because my name fits into the lyrics properly. I just can't figure out what dance step would look like a "B".) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear computer doctor. Date: Sat, 03 Jul 2004 23:50:20 -0400 Rev. Mercutio Jones (lawtoniww@hotmail.com) wrote: > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > My inlaw's called me over to fix their computer. > > It's a mistake to let relatives know that you have the slightest clue > about how a computer works. Seriously. I know _everything_ about how all computers everywhere work. And I make sure that everyone knows that I know everything. This keeps anyone from ever asking me to fix their computers, and so I win without any effort. This is because I am more highly evolved than most humans. Maybe not twice as evolved as a human, but sort of like a human plus a chimp. I'm like a human and a chimp smushed together (but it doesn't hurt.) > > It won't even power up. If I unplug it and then try to power it up, > > the power light on the front will flash for just an instant. > > I am stuck. It's the vibrator that's out of order. Take it out and pry off the aluminum cover. You'll find a pair of contacts fused together. Force them apart, take a small file and clean the pitted surfaces. Then replace the cover, plug it back into the machine -- and your generator will work. -- K. Sometimes quoting something is the only way to mock it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (re-run): "Potsie: The Motion Picture" Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 03:59:33 -0400 This story is four years old, and you will enjoy it if you are too. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// It's not technically a story, it's a movie. No, wait, it's a film. No, a Motion Picture! A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE E*V*E*N*T!!! I started writing this at about 12:01 AM on December 24, 2000, and did the final draft at 10:00 PM on the same day. That's why this movie is only half an hour long. I dedicate it to the late Billy Barty. --- part one of two (it's too long to fit into one article) --- POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE a major Christmas release coming to a theater near you! but first, see it HERE! ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen. Please do not be alarmed when the screen goes black. It represents the time before the Universe was formed. (SCREEN GOES BLACK. A long pause. Then a little white dot appears. It explodes in a fireball the size of the universe, and it is really loud.) ANNOUNCER (screaming over the din) IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED MAN! AND NOW MAN DOES GOD ONE BETTER BY CREATING "POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE"! (OPENING CREDITS scroll backwards across the screen, accompanied by eerie music and the sound of screaming howler monkeys.) POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE STARRING JIM CARREY AS POTSIE DIRECTED BY BEN STILLER WRITTEN BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY ALSO STARRING JOHN TURTURRO AS JAMES "KIBO" PARRY WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR JOHN MALKOVICH AS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN AND INTRODUCING SPOT AS HIMSELF MUSIC BY DANNY ELFMAN, STONED UNDERWEAR FURNISHED BY FRUIT OF THE LOOM THIS MOVIE IS A PRODUCTION OF THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIO SYSTEM * NO REFUNDS * (SLOW FADE TO:) INTERIOR BEETHOVEN'S RUSTIC COTTAGE, THE OLDEN DAYS (In the olden days, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN is talking to SPOT, a small puppy. In the background is a grand piano with a bust of Schroeder on it.) BEETHOVEN So, Spot, it appears I am to care for you while your usual master is indisposed. SPOT Yeah. He fell in a well or something. BEETHOVEN Well? SPOT Yeah. BEETHOVEN Okay. These are the rules. Number one. Do not ask me what to say. Number two. Never disturb me. There are lots of other rules but you are never to disturb me by asking what they are. You will be fed if I am able to complete my new symphony ahead of time due to your good behavior. Any questions? SPOT Yes -- BEETHOVEN (interrupting) WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! There is no time for questions! I must compose BEAUTIFUL MUSIC! (BEETHOVEN throws a grand piano at SPOT. It goes "KABONGGGGGGG".) BEETHOVEN HAVE THE WENCHES BRING IN ANOTHER PIANO! SPOT (voiceover: inner monologue) He's insane. BEETHOVEN I heard that! Stop beaming your evil puppy thoughts into my brain! Be quiet and sit perfectly still! (SPOT tries to sit perfectly still.) BEETHOVEN You breathe too loud! And make your hair stop growing so fast! SPOT But I want to grow long hair! It would make me look cool! BEETHOVEN No. Not one important person has ever had long hair. SPOT But, Jesus had long hair. BEETHOVEN Fine, when you can walk on water, then you can grow your hair long. But until then don't pretend you're as good a person as Jesus. You are not allowed to compare yourself to Jesus in any way. SPOT But, I don't think I'm as good as Jesus -- BEETHOVEN (interrupting) I SAID NOT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO JESUS IN ANY WAY! SPOT So, I am not allowed to have long hair because Jesus had long hair and he was a good person? BEETHOVEN Exactly. SPOT Then can I wear my hair like Hitler? He was a baaaad person. BEETHOVEN No! Bad persons are bad role models for you! SPOT So I can't wear my hear like good people or like bad people? BEETHOVEN You have just lost your hair privileges, young man! Take off your hair this instant! SPOT No. You ARE insane. And you're worse than Hitler and so is your hair. I'm going to grow long hair and there's nothing you can do about it. You're not my father! BEETHOVEN THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM! DON'T COME OUT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU! SPOT But it's April. BEETHOVEN NO IT ISN'T! I'LL SAY WHAT MONTH IT IS! GO TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL CHRISTMAS GOES AWAY AND DOESN'T COME BACK! SPOT Fine. Pinhead. (SPOT exits. The CHORUS enters, carrying armloads of cream pies.) CHORUS Ten! Months! Later! (They fall down a flight of stairs. SPOT comes out of his room, now quite skinny, but with very long hair.) SPOT Can I come out yet? BEETHOVEN Be quiet! I am trying to swat this fly! SPOT I don't see any fly. BEETHOVEN That's because he's an IMAGINARY fly! (BEETHOVEN hurls his latest piano against the wall. The piano shatters into 88 pieces. The screen fills with flying piano keys.) CUT TO: INTERIOR VAUDEVILLE HALL, TURN OF THE CENTURY (The CHORUS enters, carrying chocolate layer cakes.) CHORUS The year is! Nineteen! Fourteen! (They fall down some stairs. The vaudeville comedy duo of LUND and FUNT takes the stage. They are wearing baggy pants.) LUND I say, old chap. FUNT Yes, kind sir? LUND I wonder if I could trouble you to tell me what time it is. FUNT It is not a time. It is a pronoun. LUND No, what time is it? FUNT No, it is a pronoun. LUND What time is it? FUNT It is a pronoun. FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER Stop the show! War has broken out! SECOND AUDIENCE MEMBER Hooray! War is stopping the show! FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER Look out, mustard gas! (Yellow fog comes in through the window. Everyone coughs and drops dead.) CUT TO: INTERIOR MOVIE STUDIO, 1940 (It is the set of "The Wizard Of Oz". The CHORUS enters, carrying cream puffs.) CHORUS Twenty! Seven! Years! Later! (They trip over MUNCHKINS and fall down the stairs.) DIRECTOR Okay, now let's shoot, um, how about a big dance number. Judy, sing something about whales. No, wait, make it about a rainbow. JUDY GARLAND (singing) Somewhere, overrrr the raaaainbowwwww... (The lights flicker for a second. There is a crackling noise and a scream.) DIRECTOR Cut, cut, cut. This is all wrong. The guy being electrocuted is supposed to be VISIBLE in the frame behind her. (Some MUNCHKINS wheel an electric chair into view. It is empty but still smoldering.) FIRST MUNCHIN Sorry, boss. SECOND MUNCHKIN Hey, why are we executing condemned criminals in the background of a big musical number? DIRECTOR Snap it up with that chair. Get someone strapped in and let's roll. FIRST MUNCHKIN Sorry, boss. SECOND MUNCHKIN Send in the next member of the Condemned Criminals Being Executed In Movies Guild! (A CRIMINAL in a striped prison uniform is strapped into the chair. The MUNCKINS, JUDY GARLAND, the GOOD WITCH, the SMELLY SKUNK, and the EXTERMINATOR take their places for the musical number. A RODEO CLOWN takes the controls of a movie camera.) DIRECTOR ROLL IT, CLOWN! (JUDY GARLAND sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" while, behind her, a CRIMINAL is electrocuted by MUNCHKINS. Also, a HOODED MUNCHKIN pulls the lever which causes another CRIMINAL to be hanged. Another MUNCHKIN shoots BILLY BARTY while making a "Wizard Of Snuff" video. Assorted other sordid acts are being performed in the distance. JUDY stops singing and turns around to look at the various shocking things.) JUDY GARLAND Why did they kill Billy Barty? He was the best midget ever! DIRECTOR Just ignore that. It's all part of the glamour of Tinseltown. JUDY GARLAND Hey, those people in the back are having sex. DIRECTOR Yes, it's Potsie Senior and Mrs. Potsie Senior. They are busy conceiving fetal Potsie before our eyes. JUDY GARLAND Ick! Gross! I'm going to become a lesbian so I'll never have to give birth to Liza Minelli! CUT TO: INTERIOR ARNOLD'S DINER, THE LATE FIFTIES (The CHORUS is carrying canoli.) CHORUS Eighteen! Years! Later! (The FONZ pushes them down the stairs.) FONZ Ayyyy! Choruses are for nerds! RALPH MALPH Hey, Fonzie, am I a nerd? FONZ No, you're a SUPER NERD. RALPH MALPH Cool, does that mean I can fight crime and stuff? FONZ No, it means, why do I associate myself with these losers? Adieu. (The FONZ exits. POTSIE enters.) RALPH MALPH Hey, Potsie, guess what! The Fonz said I was super! A super nerd, even! POTSIE Aw, gee. Why can't I be the super nerd? RALPH MALPH Cheer up, Potsie. At least now that we've got jobs at that theater you can afford to buy some underwear. POTSIE Yeah. I always wanted underwear. (ARNOLD comes running into the room carrying a small television set.) ARNOLD Hey, lookie everyone! They just invent TV! POTSIE Cool, now we can see our commercial! (ARNOLD turns on the TV. It shows a primitive test pattern.) ARNOLD Dig that crazy bar chart! (ARNOLD exits.) TV NETWORK ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, the Standard Broadcasting Corporation is now on the air. As of today, we begin regular television broadcasting, beginning with these commercials. (The TV shows a vaudeville stage with spotlights moving back and forth. Long drum roll as another announcer speaks:) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) They may be long dead, but the laughs live on! Before the war, Benny Lund and Freddie Funt were the comedy team of Lund & Funt! Now, you can see their greatest comedy routines brought back to life with Ralph Malph as Lund and Potsie as Funt! (On TV, RALPH and POTSIE enter in baggy pants.) RALPH (on TV) Would you like to buy a dead duck? POTSIE (on TV) No, I would not like to buy a dead duck. RALPH (on TV) Well, too late, I already killed it! POTSIE (on TV) Why, you! (They begin chasing each other around.) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Lund and Funt were true masters of physical comedy! (POTSIE is gagging as he tries to swallow RALPH's necktie.) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) And now, for the first time since the war, you can see their most famous comedy routines, such as "The Man Who Couldn't Stop Barfing", "The Queen's Tapeworm", and "Oops, Baby Made Two Boom-Booms!" See them while you eat at the Lund & Funt Dinner Theater! TV DISCLAIMER ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Food costs extra. Comedy may not be funny. May contain Potsie. POTSIE Wow, neat! Not only did we get great jobs at that dinner theater, but they put us in a TV commercial! RALPH How did they put me in the TV commercial? I wasn't there! POTSIE It's commercial magic, Ralph! Now let's go to work! RALPH Potsie, we don't have to be there for another three and a half minutes. POTSIE Oh, well, then that's enough time to play a song on the jukebox. Hey, everybody, you're about to listen to a song, on me! (POTSIE puts a nickel into a jukebox and starts pushing numerous buttons.) RALPH Potsie, wait! You were supposed to use the regular jukebox, not the radioactive one the mad scientist left to Arnold's in his will! (Sparks shoot out of the jukebox and lightning jumps from the tone arm to POTSIE's head. His entire body begins to glow. His pants are blown off, revealing his clean new underwear.) POTSIE Help me, Ralph! I am being irradiated by this crazy juke box! (RALPH unplugs it. Smoke is coming from POTSIE's ears and his hair is messed up, looking like a cross between Jesus's and Hitler's.) RALPH Potsie, are you okay? POTSIE More than okay... I'm SUPER! (POTSIE reaches up and tears Arnold's in half. He juggles the two halves, while RALPH is still inside one.) RALPH Potsie, stop juggling everything and PUT ME DOWN! POTSIE No can do, Ralph! Now that I have super powers granted by an evil jukebox I have a duty to commit unspeakable acts of destruction for no reason whatsoever! RALPH Potsie, you know you're not supposed to commit unspeakable acts without a darn good reason! POTSIE Sorry, Ralph! All bets are off now that I'm Super Evil Potsie! And screw dinner theater! I'm going to perform my evil acts right here! First up, I'm gonna make your uvula explode! (RALPH's uvula explodes. ARNOLD hears the bang and comes running in.) ARNOLD What happen? RALPH (blood pouring from his mouth) Ang ang ang annng ang angggg! ARNOLD I can't understand you. It's as if your uvula explode! Tell me later. (ARNOLD exits. RALPH moves to strangle POTSIE but POTSIE gestures emphatically. RALPH is instantly changed into a large red stain on the far wall.) POTSIE Gosh, I now have limitless God-like powers of evil! I shall put my powers of evil to good use as I kill everyone! But first, I need to plan ahead a little... having a pair of underwear saved me from certain exposure just now. If I had all the underwear in the world, I'd be invincible! So first I'll steal all the underwear in the world, then I'll use my powers and underwear to destroy the world! (He gestures again and a nuclear power plant appears on the horizon. It explodes in a giant mushroom cloud. The shockwave causes a nearby underwear store to be blown to bits, hurling several dozen pairs of briefs into a pile at POTSIE's feet.) POTSIE I like being a Super Nerd! --- continued next article --- -- K. Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry so don't film "Potsie: The Motion Picture" without paying off both me and Potsie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (re-run): "Potsie: The Motion Picture" (continued) Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 04:00:53 -0400 The end of the four-year-old story. Unless I've reposted these in the wrong order, in which case this is only the beginning. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Here's the rest of the epic. I'll post it all on my Web site once you people E-mail me about where the typos are. --- continued from previous article, part two of two --- CUT TO: INTERIOR CHEAP CARDBOARD SET, LATE SIXTIES (Three walls are made of cardboard, and the fourth is made of semi-regularly stacked foam-rubber blocks. The CHORUS enters, carrying armfuls of Linzer tortes.) CHORUS Ten! Years! Later! (The CAMERA TILTS to the left, hurling them down some stairs. BATMAN and ROBIN enter.) ROBIN Holy choral catastrophes, Batman! BATMAN Yes, Robin, we have just seen an example of what happens when the balance of pastry is disrupted. ROBIN Gosh, yes! BATMAN Quick, Robin, look at that puppy! (In a corner, SPOT is scratching himself.) ROBIN Holy mangy mongrels, Batman! BATMAN Robin, even if he is just a pathetic little puppy who hasn't cut his hair in centuries, as members in good standing of the Citizens' Veterinary Squadron it is our duty to feed and bathe that puppy, and to give it a crew cut. SPOT But I don't want a crew cut, Batman! BATMAN Wait! My sensitive, classically-trained ears, honed by years of listening to Gilbert & Sullivan, are sensing a faint noise! (Everyone listens intently. There is complete silence for a moment, then an ear-shattering crash as POTSIE smashes his way through the wall of precariously-balanced foam rubber blocks.) POTSIE Arrrr! I'm Potsie! Look at me! I'm Potsie! BATMAN Quick, Robin, there's not a moment to lose -- hand me the Bat Potsie Repellent! ROBIN Holy idiotic plot devices, Batman! The very idea that I would be carrying such a thing as 'Bat Potsie Repellent' is not merely impossible, it is insulting to my -- wait, here it is. (ROBIN hands the can to BATMAN, who sprays it on POTSIE.) POTSIE Curse you and your Bat Potsie Repellent! Now I have to leave until it wears off! (POTSIE exits at a leisurely stroll.) SPOT What the heck is going on? And what does any of this have to do with Christmas? NEWSBOY Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Spot not informed of plot! Read all about it! SPOT Why, thank you, I will. NEWSBOY Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Dogs can't read! SPOT Oh, poo. ROBIN Batman, he just said a bad word! BATMAN Get him! (A big fight scene ensues, during which onomatopoeia is flashed on the screen. "ZOWIE!" "BLORCH!" "WOXWOX!" "PERTWEE!" But it is interrupted by the entry of the CHORUS, carrying pumpkin pies.) CHORUS Ten! Years! Later! CUT TO: INTERIOR KIBO'S LIVING ROOM, MID-SEVENTIES (KIBO, age nine, is watching "Match Game '76" on TV.) LITTLE KIBO I must memorize this so that someday I can say something about it when I grow up. GENE RAYBURN (on TV) Welcome to this special Bicentennial edition of "Match Game '76"! CHARLES NELSON REILLY (on TV) Look at me! I'm so gay! LITTLE KIBO (taking notes) Charles Nelson Reilly... gay. Hmm, I wonder what "gay" means. Oh well, the important thing is that I now know everything about "Match Game '76"! I predict the next answer will be "wee-wee"! BRETT SOMERS (on TV) Wee-wee! NIPSEY RUSSELL (on TV) Wee-wee! POTSIE (on TV) Underwear! LITTLE KIBO Waah! Mommy, Potsie is ruining my favorite TV show! Make him go back on "Happy Days" or not say "underwear" on TV! POTSIE (on TV) But, Kibo, it's appropriate because I have just stolen your underwear! LITTLE KIBO But I didn't feel a thing! POTSIE (on TV) That's because I replaced it with something similar, but better! If you don't believe me, take a look! (KIBO unfastens his pants. POTSIE's head pops up from inside them.) POTSIE (inside Kibo's pants) Hi! I'm Under-Potsie! LITTLE KIBO Waah! Mommy, I don't like my new Under-Potsie! POTSIE (on TV, waving Kibo's underwear around) Ha ha, got your underwear! Now I'm going to add it to my giant ball of underwear and someday I'll have all the underwear in the world! (KIBO turns to look directly into the camera.) LITTLE KIBO (very serious) As of this day, I vow that I will dedicate the rest of my life to preventing Potsie from stealing underwear. CUT TO: INTERIOR "MATCH GAME '77" SET CHORUS One! Year! Later! GARY BURGHOFF Wee-wee! FANNIE FLAGG Wee-wee! POTSIE Underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY Hey, my underwear's gone! POTSIE Lots of people's underwear's gone! Look, here are President Carter's tightie whities! (He snaps the waistband of the President's underwear, hitting CHARLES in the eye.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY You've blinded my eye, you grubby little nerd! POTSIE Aw, come off it, don't start with me, Charlie, you forget that I have God-like powers! AUTHOR OF STORY (voiceover: inner monologue) I almost forgot that too. CHARLES NELSON REILLY Oh yeah? Well, if you have arbitrarily mighty powers, prove it! POTSIE Okay! When I snap my fingers, "Match Game '77" will magically change to "Airport '77"! (POTSIE snaps his fingers, hitting CHARLES in the other eye. He then starts making airplane noises with his mouth.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY (now completely blind) Oh no! It SOUNDS like we're on a jumbo jet that's about to crash! POTSIE (speaking into the camera) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of my brilliant deviousness which shall trick YOU out of your underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY Wait, the jumbo jet noise stopped while you were talking. I think you're faking it! (POTSIE gestures and CHARLES is transformed into a small cube of blue cheese. POTSIE crumbles it.) SPOT (wandering onto the set) Excuse me, is this the line to see "Star Wars"? POTSIE Stupid puppy, you're not meant to be here! SPOT Yeah, well, neither are you! You're on the wrong network! Go back to that show where you played fifth banana to Fonzie! POTSIE That's it, I'm gonna nuke you, sucka! (POTSIE waves his arms frantically but nothing happens.) SPOT Ha-ha! I am immune to your magic because I am a puppy and therefore I don't wear underwear! (BATMAN and ROBIN enter.) BATMAN Quick, Robin, take off your underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm gayer than those two. POTSIE Spot, Batman, and friends, you can't stop me now. I already have 90% of the underwear in the world. For instance, look at this -- Mick Jagger's last known underwear! (He holds up a pair which haven't been worn in ages, and suddenly there is a "BOINGGGG" noise and several PEOPLE DRESSED AS GIANT FRUIT pop out of the waistband.) APPLE We're the Fruit Of The Loom guys! GRAPE I'm played by Richard Simmons! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm gayer than him! GRAPE Well, of course you are, dearie, I just PRETEND to be gay because it would be a shame if Jay Leno and David Letterman ran out of material! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I wish I'd thought of that. Then I could have gotten Judy Garland pregnant and she would have given birth to a version of Liza Minelli who kept saying "wee-wee". POTSIE Put your alternative lifestyle away and let's get back to the business at hand! Richard Simmons, I claim your underwear in the name of evil! GRAPE You'll never get your hands on my underwear! POTSIE Won't I? (POTSIE wiggles his nose and the GRAPE's underwear is yanked off and floats in the air next to him. But there is another "BOINGGGG" and more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistband. Then POTSIE steals their underwear and dozens more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistbands.) POTSIE Begone, fruit people! I banish ye back to the elastic from whence you came! (POTSIE tugs his earlobe and the FRUIT PEOPLE vanish.) BATMAN But you still must defeat me, Potsie! You may have super powers, but you forget, I am also a super hero! POTSIE But you don't have any super powers! ROBIN Holy obvious fatal flaw in your plan, he's right! I never thought of that! BATMAN Can I go now? POTSIE Yes, just leave your underwear at the door and you can go back to the Batcave and have a good cry. (BATMAN and ROBIN turn to leave.) BATMAN (on his way out) You may have bested me in a fair fight, you sleazy degenerate, but there is still one more member of the Justice League who will never bend to your whims -- Plastic Man! (BATMAN exits as PLASTIC MAN enters.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm definitely NOT as gay as HIM. PLASTIC MAN I can stretch faster than any underwear, therefore you can't defeat me! POTSIE Too late! I have already defeated you before you were born! You see, in 1943, when I was a toddler, I accidentally burned down a Dow Chemical lab, and as a result, plastic was never invented! You don't exist! (PLASTIC MAN, all TELEPHONEs and VCRs, ZIP-LOC BAGS, and CHARLES NELSON REILLY'S HAIRPIECE disappear.) SPOT Waah! Stop making all my favorite superheroes look pathetic! POTSIE I will only stop when I have obtained the few pieces of underwear I need to complete my collection. Then I will have brought about a world of NO UNDERWEAR! SPOT I only pray that Kibo can stop you... wherever he is. CUT TO: INTERIOR VIDEO ARCADE, 1990 CHORUS Thirteen! Years! Later! (The muzak starts playing a "New Kids On The Block" song.) KIBO (now grown up, playing Atari's "Klax") It is the nineties, and now there is time for Klax! POTSIE (materializing instantly) Kan it, Kibo, you Klueless Klax Kook! KIBO Hey! Stop making fun of the fact that my name happens to begin with an evil letter! Anyway, you're a fine one to talk, with your half-Hitler hair! (SPOT runs into the arcade.) SPOT Kibo! I'm so glad I found you! POTSIE Too late, dippity dog! I found him first! SPOT But I called it first. POTSIE No, it's who SEES him first that matters, not who YELLS ABOUT IT first. SPOT Speaking of seeing, did Charles Nelson Reilly's eyesight come back sometime during that last scene? POTSIE I forget. It was a long time ago. KIBO And why are you here? You should be out looking for underwear! You already got my underwear! Look! (KIBO opens his pants and UNDER-POTSIE's face pops out again.) UNDER-POTSIE Geez, Kibo, try washing my face once in a while. POTSIE Well, you see, Kibo, I'm here because it turns out the only underwear missing from my giant ball of underwear is the word "underwear" you keep typing in this script. So I'm going to steal the letters U, N, D, E, R, W, and A from your keyboard. Some of them twice. KIBO Wait, before you do that -- are you sure you have ALL the other underwear? POTSIE Yes. KIBO Blue Man Group's underwear? POTSIE Got it. KIBO Bozo's? Bebe Rebozo's? POTSIE Got it, got it. KIBO Dracula's? POTSIE Fiction, but got it anyway. KIBO How? POTSIE You forget, we're all fictional here. KIBO Oh yeah, I forgot. Me not so smart. Me just using this word processor by accident. In fact, at any moment I could hit a wrong key just like... THIS! POTSIE Stop! What are you doing? KIBO Oh, something clever. I just did a search-and-replace on this entire script and everywhere it used to say "underwear" it now says "underwear". So now you're obsessed with underwear and not underwear. SPOT But, Kibo, they're the same word. KIBO They are NOW, Spot. POTSIE I fail to see how replacing the word for what I had been collecting with the word "underwear" makes any difference because it just changed my big ball of you-know-what into a big ball of underwear so my plan for world domination will still work. SPOT But, this doesn't make any sense -- what about Potsie's dialogue about the letters U, N, D, E, and so on? KIBO Oh, I search-and-replaced those too. Originally he was talking about some other letters. SPOT But then shouldn't this sentence have changed into something which looks more like "Wurfl gjzoik blivoq sjen xoejk whshbz lemdn bx ekenhna nerbro zem eheboqkm owmdl"? KIBO Sej. SPOT Stoq it! KIBO Fwck yiv! POTSIE Never mind all those attempts at pretending you're putting actual wordplay in your script instead of filler! I just realized that I don't have to steal your letters U, N, D, E, et cetera, I can get nearly identical copies of those letters from almost any book! KIBO Rats. He is exploiting the only flaw in my logic as he builds his giant underwear wad! POTSIE I will just add the final underwear to my giant ball of all the underwear in the world, like so -- UNDERWEAR BALL Grr! SPOT Yipes! The underwear ball is chasing me around the room! KIBO Potsie, don't you see what you have done? You have amassed enough underwear in that pile that it has attained sentience! And now it's hungry! POTSIE Well, I didn't mean to do that, but for the next few minutes I'm going to be too busy destroying the world to care about underwear chasing the dog. Say goodbye to existence as you know it. (POTSIE prepares to gesture.) KIBO Well, it was a nice Universe we once had. This is all YOUR fault, Spot. SPOT MY fault? Why? KIBO Because you wouldn't cut your hair. This whole story came about as a morality play to illustrate that the true meaning of Christmas is that it doesn't matter if your hair is long or short as long as you cut it when Beethoven tells you to. SPOT That's a stupid moral. Besides, I think this story is more like "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" except it's about Potsie stealing people's underwear. POTSIE No, it's more like an episode of "Happy Days" without the "Happy Days" part and with some "Match Game '76" and "Batman" and "Doctor Who" thrown in. KIBO There's no "Doctor Who" in this story. GUY WITH REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF There! I have disintegrated the giant ball of underwear with my sonic screwdriver! (One finger begins playing a Moog synthesizer somewhere. The GUY WITH THE REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF climbs into some sort of weird British phone booth and vanishes.) KIBO Darn. He left before I could find out his last name. POTSIE That's okay, I got his underwear -- (POTSIE holds up the world's longest underwear.) POTSIE It's so long that it'll take me forever to put it on, and that way I'll never have time to wear it out. So even though this is now the only underwear in the world, I am happy. SPOT Yes, this is an unusually happy ending for one of Kibo's works of fiction, ESPECIALLY given that I'm in it. (SPOT's uvula explodes.) KIBO Wait, don't explode your uvula just yet -- we're still in the nineties. This is supposed to be the Christmas 2000 story! We gotta get through Y2K before we can go home! The world could still blow up! Hang on for excitement before we can leave! POTSIE I hate you, Kibo. KIBO Send in the chorus! (The CHORUS enters, carrying enormous bowls of chocolate mousse, and not wearing underwear.) CHORUS Some! Years! Later! (They fall down an escalator, but it is an "up" escalator so that by the time they finish falling they're at the top and fall down again, and again, and again.) KIBO Ha ha! They fell down in glop! SPOT You should have ended it at the happy ending part. KIBO No, the happiest ending of all time is coming up. Look: (JUDY GARLAND and CHARLES NELSON REILLY get married. So do BATMAN and ROBIN. POTSIE shaves off his Hitler hair and looks more handsome than Patrick Stewart. SPOT is allowed to wear underwear from now on, even though there isn't any. RALPH MALPH comes back from the dead for just long enough that he doesn't wear out his welcome. BEETHOVEN goes permanently deaf and doesn't have any time to be insane now that he's deaf full-time. RICHARD SIMMONS learns to be comfortable with his own heterosexuality. KIBO finds a machine that makes Bacon Pez and turns it on.) KIBO Arrrrr! There be Bacon Pez here! SPOT Why, Kibo, I didn't know you had pirate blood in you. KIBO Do you want to dress up as a parrot and sit on my shoulder? SPOT Can I poop? KIBO No. SPOT I'll think about it. KIBO I'll give you some Bacon Pez. ANNOUNCER (voiceover) And Spot never pooped again. It was the merriest Christmas ever. The End! (The words "THE END" burst through the screen on a stick, hitting the audience in the forehead. Lawsuits ensue but they are thrown out of court because everyone is so happy about having just seen the happy ending. There are no more wars, and Bacon Pez flow freely from all faucets. The End.) DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A WORK OF FICTION: POTSIE WAS NEVER ON "MATCH GAME". ALSO, THE ACTUAL NINETIES INCLUDED Y2K, HARRY POTTER, MONICA LEWINSKY, JOHN ROCKER, THE SPICE GIRLS, TICKLE ME ELMO, COLUMBINE, TAMAGOTCHIS, DENNIS MILLER, O.J. SIMPSON, BART SIMPSON, A SCREWED-UP ELECTION, PAULY SHORE, TWO FALSE REPORTS OF BOB HOPE'S DEATH, WOODY ALLEN'S SEX LIFE, THE "BATTLEFIELD EARTH" MOVIE, DAVID KORESH, ELIAN GONZALEZ, THE IMAC, "SURVIVOR", JAR JAR BINKS, AND OTHER THINGS WHICH WERE OMITTED IN ORDER TO SANITIZE THIS HAPPY CHRISTMAS TALE. I NOW DECLARE THE TWENTIETH CENTURY OVER. BYE! -- K. Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry, and soon to be nominated for the Nobel Prize For Best Picture. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You guys are funny Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 04:14:48 -0400 paxwax1 (paxwax1@ozonline.com.au) wrote: > > I'm having a ball reading this groups messages and interactions. Oh, sure, at first you think they're interactions, but then you realize there isn't even one real person posting here. All of alt.religion.kibology was generated in advance by Benoit Mandelbrot slicing a cross-section through a liverwort-shaped cloud of letters and numbers to generate chaotically unpredictable phrases like "chaotically unpredictable phrases like" and "and then a cougar ate him." > You seem quite mad in places. I'm beside myself in gratitude. And then a cougar ate him, but it was okay because you had another guy. Then you lived happily ever after. -- K. Then a cougar ate you. The End (because this is as far as the liverwort can stretch.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Stretch Armstrong diet (was: You guys are funny) Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:11:09 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The End (because this is as far > > as the liverwort can stretch.) > > All this time I thought it was the liverwurst that could stretch that far. One, you haven't been paying attention, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed. I think that bacon is the stretchiest vegetable. When it comes to meat that stretches to six times its normal size, I'm not sure -- pork sung may easily be compacted to one-sixth its normal size, so the stretchiest meat in the world would have to be the opposite of pork sung. Since pork sung is made from pork, the opposite would have to tend towards chicken. And as pork sung is all fuzz, the opposite would have to be some sort of solid slab. Hey, know what this means? We've just proved that Animal 57 is stretchier than Silly Putty! Tastier, too! I have such a craving for PFK right now. -- K. Why isn't "Animal 57"'s name French since most of the rumors about it link it to PFK, not KFC? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My suitcase Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:17:53 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I have a growing pile of items to go into my suitcase > for my trip.The pile so far consists of: > > 1) Three quilts First off, just because the TV commercials keep telling you to use quilted toilet paper, doesn't mean that using actual quilts is better. > 2) One 118 year old book If you're throwing it a birthday party, be careful -- any sort of excitement might make the frail old thing keel over. Be especially cautious when lighting the candles on its birthday cake three inches away from its dry brittle pages with your flamethrower. > 3) Two tubes of Boudreaux's Butt Paste Fun for you _and_ your friend, eh? I think Elmer's works better. > 4) One jar of Italian Olive Salad And _this_ is the item that will get smashed in the suitcase, because it contains the most oil. > 5) One pound of CDM chicory coffee Do you mean one pound in Earth measurements, or one pound in the coffee system? What is that now, eleven ounces? How do you convert a pound of coffee to two-by-fours? > 6) Addresses and phone numbers Don't forget your sniper rifle. > 7) Shorts,t-shirts and skirts Don't forget your ninja suit to go with the sniper rifle. > 8) One digital camera and the software that goes > with it (also extra batteries) ATTENTION AIRPORT SECURITY: ANYONE CARRYING EXTRA BATTERIES IS A TERRORIST! > 9) Several CD's Smuggling twenty copies of Chris Isaak into one of those Music Exclusion Zones to smash the state, eh? Just because Chris Isaak barely counts as "music" doesn't mean they'll let you get away with it. > Add to my list please,any other items you think > I should add. Hot sauce, and one strip of Paddington-style bacon. -- K. NEED HOT SAUCE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Saturday's newspaper was fun to read Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:27:24 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > First, there was the story (and photo) of our Sexratary of State, (Semi) > Colin Powell, dancing and lip-synching to "YMCA" at a major > international conference's traditional Skit Night. I suppose that if I > were a far-right conservative religious type channeling Burgess > Meredith, I would want to KNOW why a TOP OFFICIAL of our AMERICAN > GOVERNMENT was PERFORMING a song that is POPULARLY KNOWN as a THINLY > VEILED REFERENCE to and a GLORIFICATION of the GAY LIFESTYLE. (Oh, in > case you didn't see, Colin was dressed as the construction worker.) I decided the reason he wasn't dressed as the G.I. is that the Army doesn't want anyone to realize how gay people in Army uniforms look. > Then, scanning the sports pages, I happen to glimpse a note about Friday > night's game between the Cleveland Indians and Cincinnatti Reds, won > quite convincingly by the former, 15-2. Not that I follow either team, > but what drew my eye (OW!) was this little aside about the winning > pitcher, Kazuhito Tadano: > > "He was one of Japan's top college pitchers, but didn't get drafted > after a Japanese tabloid published photos of him appearing in a gay porn > video." > > After he signed with Cleveland, incidentally, he held a press conference > to apologize for being in the porn video. His explanation was simple: He > needed the money. Yeah, most gay people only turned gay for the extra income. That and the ability to borrow shoes from their boyfriend. > That's why I'm glad we have the Cape Cod League here: Now, college > baseball stars can perfect their craft AND get paid for it, and don't > have to be in gay pRon videos UNLESS THEY LIKE THAT SORT OF THING, or > else they feel the video has a certain artistic integrity. So in the Cape Cod League, who do you support, the team from Provincetown or the team from Gay Head? > And, reaching into the Cookie Jar of Obviousness, I wonder why Colin > Powell couldn't have asked Tadano to play the part of the Indian. I think Tadano is waiting for there to be a Village People knockoff with a baseball pitcher, a hockey goalie, a football linebacker, a basketball referee, a skeleton luger, and Lance Armstrong. -- K. The name of the group could be "The Broken Beds". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Saturday's newspaper was fun to read Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 21:44:59 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So in the Cape Cod League, who do you support, the team from Provincetown > > or the team from Gay Head? > > Dude, the whole Cape is so gay it's on the verge of hysteria. I mean, shit, > try saying "Hyannis" with a straight face. Or go two towns over and you > can see signs that say "Entering Dennis". Cummaquid? Wood's Hole? It's > all here on scenic Cape Queer. So, in other words, it's your little secret whether you support the Provincetown team or the Gay Head team. But don't worry, we have ways of finding out just how gay you are. Expect a pastry delivery in the morning so that the graphologists can dissect the signature you exuberantly use when your eyes light up at the sight of millefeuille. > Not that there's anything wrong with that. As long as they can beat the Boston Lobsters. I know they play different sports, but hey, I've seen the Lobsters play a straight team, so surely it's just as okay for them to play a gay team from a different league. The choice of sport is less important than whether we get to see lesbians fighting. -- K. It's depressing that of all the hockey games I've been to, the only time I've been hit by a puck was at a Lobsters game. Why can't the Senators ever nail me? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Twenty years ago today. Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:37:41 -0400 Twenty years ago today, Nancy Reagan solved all the world's drug problems by telling us to "JUST SAY NO." And ever since July 4, 1984 -- the day the President's wife invented the word "no" -- our lives and our vocabulary have been much richer. Thanks for "no", Nancy. Hey, got any more two-letter advice? -- K. This is your brain: -> o This is your brain on drugs: -> * This is your brain in uppercase: -> O Any questions? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Tell If You Are Lots42 Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 18:58:32 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > How to tell if you are Lots42 > > 1) You talk about libraries too much Too much compared to Don Saklad? Or just too much compared to people who aren't irritating about their love of sweet, sweet public libraries? > 2) You have a dad who asks you for advice, only to ignore it and get grumpy Well, tell us what some of this easy-to-ignore advice was and then let us judge whether it was good or not once we've ignored it. > 3) The local library ladies know you on sight. It's your "NOT DON" nametag. > 4) Yet you are awful, awful with names and are embarassed about it. Quick, what was the name of Lincoln's doctor's dog's neighbor's enemy's footstool's designer's banker's prostitute... and WHY? > 5) Deciding which store to go to for food and or other supplies depends > on the time of day. (Traffic on nearby roads is just insane during > rushing hours) I would factor in the type of store, myself. Trying to buy food at the Other Supplies store wouldn't work well. > 6) You are woken up late at night when the guinea pig decides to play > 'Let's make very loud noises'. Eh-heh-heh. I ain't touching that straight line with a ten-foot pole. > 7) You are beholden to the idiots at the power company. (For example: > 'Don't turn off my power to save load effort' means to them 'Turn off > my power now, please, I enjoy sweating') I think they want you to SQUEEEEEAL LIKE A PIG! -- K. Say "Oink!", Not Don. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Label Maker Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 19:36:04 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > For reasons that I don't care to elaborate on, I recently purchased a > Brother P-touch 1180 label maker. I am now going to label everything > in my entire home, just because I can and it's so fun to play with the > label maker. Next I will buy some different colored labels so I can > change the labels' colors as well as wording according to my mood. > Then I will take over the world! So got any tips for us on when we should dump our ImClone stock? In related digital labelling news, Sean Bonner's weblog has a photo of something he found at an office-supply store. It's a package of Avery #8293 Matte White High Visibility Labels. They're little circles an inch and a half across. The package shows them used to mark some typical mailed items "FRAGILE: OPEN THIS END -->". The interesting part is that the address typed on the topmost item is this: -> Tyler Durden -> 420 Paper St. -> Wilmington, DE 19886 Some graphic designer was clearly having fun referencing his favorite movie _and_ his favorite recreational drug in that serving suggestion. Either that, or he was trying to send a subtle hint to his boss that if they ever try to fire him, he'll beat himself up and blackmail the firm for a free computer. I don't know about you, but if I ever have an urge to stage a dramatic re-enactment of my favorite "Zippy" comic strip ("HELLO KITTY GANG TERRORIZES TOWN, FAMILY STICKERED TO DEATH!") I'll be using Avery #8293. 400 to a package. 1.5" diameter. Where did I leave that file where I wrote down the formula for computing the surface area of a human... -- K. Duct tape is so much easier, but I don't think there's a brand of it approved by my invisible friend Tyler. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Label Maker Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 20:23:06 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > For reasons that I don't care to elaborate on, I recently purchased a > > > Brother P-touch 1180 label maker. > > > > I'm sorry, but: "P-touch"? is this lablemaker a registered sex offender > > in any states? > > Whoa there, Taly! Bitter we may be, but we must still accept that not > every touch is a crime in this country. It is if you press hard enough. -- K. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Let me know if it bugs you and I'll stop _not_ touching you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My 4th of July Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 00:09:50 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > one of the hosts at the showing referred to "Rock 'N Roll High School" > > as "the best rock 'n roll film ever", which is clearly wrong, > > because that would be "200 Motels", Bob. > > I heartily endorse this endorsement and/or film! You're both wrong. The best rock 'n' roll film ever is "Yellow Submarine" and possibly "Tommy", "Flash Gordon", and/or "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". > I first saw 200 Motels at a midnight show in the 70's, with Yes and > Jimi Hendrix concert movies. This was in the days when better living > through chemistry was practiced prior to attending such events. That's stupid. It's so much easier to just pop the "Yellow Submarine" DVD in and then drink an ounce of your favorite extra-hot sauce to make all the colors brighter. Cheaper, too, when you consider that a bottle of hot sauce is 79 cents and I think marijuana is more like a zillion dollars a doobie now, not counting the special rolling papers you can only get by sending in Quisp box tops and waiting four to six weeks. > The best part was the audience participation. During the Yes show, some > gentleman (who's expanded conciousness over-rode his sense of decorum), > kept standing up, shouting suggestions about doing un-natural things with > the Yes film, and to "Bring on Hendrix!!!". At one particularly intense > laser sequence, the Hendrix fan stood up and announced "This is blowing > my mind!!!11!!!". After a collective giggle-a-thon from the rest of us, > he sat down and was not heard from again. Also "Head", "Barbarella", "South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut" and "Danger: Diabolik". Oh, and did I mention "The Apple"? I hope I didn't, because that movie wouldn't even be good if you were so stoned you thought you were even a tenth as gay as necessary to try to watch that disaster. I'm also not mentioning "Xanadu", "Can't Stop The Music", "Lisztomania", or Amazon.com's favorite, "Roller Bogie", starring Humphrey Bogart on wheels. (They eventually fixed that listing after I complained about it. The things I do just to make sure fans of crap can find the correct crap.) And anyone who likes "The Wall" should be forced to sit down and watch "Yellow Submarine" and "Tommy" until the quality starts seeping into their brain and they realize "The Wall" just isn't very good. > I remember coming away from this event thinking that 200 Motels was the > greatest movie ever made. Many years later I found it in the cult movie > section of my local video place, and with great anticipation for a repeat > of that great experience, I brought it home. > > While it was still very enjoyable, it was lacking that little something > that had made it so profound previously. > > My kids hate it when I make a find like that, because what was innovative > and edgie back when I was young is usually fairly tame, outside of the > cultural context of the times. I guess I'm beginning to fall victim to > OGS (Old Geezer Syndrum). Show your kids "The Blackboard Jungle" and the "Happy Days" re-run where Potsie sings "The Chambers Of The Heart" and tell the kids that's what life was like back when you were a kid and rock 'n' roll had just been invented by the scientists at NASA. Then they'll say "What's NASA?" and to get out of answering that hard question you should just pop in the DVD of "Can't Stop The Music" so that the kids will get distracted by other questions, like, "Who is Bruce Jenner and did they just put him in the movie to make the Village People seem straight?" If all else fails, let them watch "Head" so that you can tell them their favorite rock 'n' roll movies aren't as good because theirs don't contain any snuff. -- K. So when are they going to make the first movie with rap in it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My 4th of July Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 21:35:13 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You're both wrong. The best rock 'n' roll film ever is "Yellow > > Submarine" and possibly "Tommy", "Flash Gordon", and/or "The 5,000 > > Fingers Of Dr. T". > > oh, no no no. you stick to fonts, I'll talk about music. Talking about music is like mathematicizing about sex. So go type words about music all you want, because the simple obvious wrongness of that action will obscure how wrong you are to try to choose what to stick me to. I shall stick to what I want, when I want. And I shall staple you to what I want, when I want. > first, "Yellow Submarine" doesn't count because it's animated. Animated things count. "Sesame Street"'s psychedelic pinball machine was animated and it sure as hell counted, all the way up to TWELVE TWELVE TWELVE TWELLLL-ELLLLLVE, you innumerate Monkees fan. > it's the best rock animation spectacular ever, way better than that > "Heavy Metal" crap. also, it is possibly more bizarre than > "Fantastic Planet", although it would be even better if Ringo wore > pants with webbed toes. Movies are insufficiently bizarre for those of us with more advanced tastes in bizarrity. Movies are merely rectangles full of moving colors. Show me a movie which hoses down the audience with molten lava and then casts a spell that turns them into border collies that look like giraffes, and _that_ would be bizarre. > second, "Tommy" would almost count, except it's hard rock, not > rock'n'roll. Awwwww, "Tommy" is too hard for you. Let the baby have his squishy-soft rock! Tell you what, we'll take you to the dentist's office so you can listen to Kenny G and Luther Vandross and Chris Isaak in the waiting room until you outgrow your nutty desire to add rock softener to your laundry. > "200 Motels" is not entirely rock'n'roll, but it has a few > rock'n'roll songs in it. Yeah, so? "Star Trek: First Contact" has a few rock 'n' roll songs in it, _and_ the guy from "Babe" yelling "ROCK 'N' ROLL!", so it's even more of a rock 'n' roll movie than whatever that one you like is, but since "Star Trek" movies are as far from cool rock 'n' roll movies as you can get, you've just proved that your movie is the WORST ROCK 'N' ROLL MOVIE EVER. > "Tommy" just has Elton John singing about eating gumballs. They're called "teabags". > "Flash Gordon" is a movie about Flash Gordon, but with music added, as > opposed to a musical movie with cardboard cutouts of characters added. Now look here, I will stand for you not liking Elton John, but when you dis Freddie Mercury, you dis me (except with musical talent.) > "The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T" simply sucks, because that kid's singing > is so terrible. But it's more than made up for by the dungeon elevator operator's voice. > "Head"... hmmm. "Head" is better than what the Lovin' Spoonful did to > "Kagi No Kag", but it's kind of forgetable, although it makes a good > double feature with "200 Motels". If you find snuff films forgettable, then I can understand why you're so screwed up that you prefer a movie directed by Al Eisen ("and it lasts for FOUR MONTHS!") > and the other movies you mentioned suffer from the same problem as > "Tommy" in that they aren't rock'n'roll, but instead are: italian '60s > pop ("Barbarella"), straight musical ("South Park", "Danger: Diabolik"), *cough* *cough* "straight musical"? I'm sorry, but "Danger: Diabolik" ain't no musical, and even if it were, it couldn't be straight because all musicals are gay. Did you go back for fifths and sixths on popcorn during all the gay scenes in "South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut"? And during the title? > '80s pop ("Xanadu"), Ohhhh, so you only think stuff is rock if it's _un_popular music. I bet you can't tell Alan Freed and Jim Nayder apart. > and some kind of dumbass glamrock/ disco fusion ("The Apple"). Dude, you have to cut that one some slack because it was made by people who were so European that they didn't realize they were being completely gay. > so: "200 Motels" *is* the greatest rock'n'roll movie ever made, based > on the simple theory that I can reclassify any other genre you choose > to present. "Saturday Night Fever"? duh, it's disco. "Spinal Tapp"? > metal. > > "Love Me Tender"? ok, technically that's rock'n'roll, as are all Elvis > movies, but it's just no comparison to "200 Motels". Oh, and I counted. There were only 199 motels in that movie. Your favorite movie is FICTIONAL!!! And do you know who Al Eisen's son grew up to be? The guy who wrote the score for "Moulin Rouge", Paul Stanley -- who used to be in some gay rock band that appeared in the 1976 Paul Lynde Christmas special! I bet your second favorite movie is "Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park". -- K. So what do you think of "Vegas In Space"? And "The Phynx"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Local job ads Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 13:52:48 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > So I'm looking at sites everywhere in my continued > quest to find gainful,full-time employment. > Here's a sampling of what I'm seeing. > > ----------------- > wanted female models 20p/h > > 20 per/hour Looking for females .. to model for lifecasting .. must be 18 or > older.. confotable with body.... If intrested reply by e-mail w/ photo... > tony........ > ----------------- > > I am depressed. Why? 20 pence per hour might not seem like high pay, but bear in mind that once the guy covers you with the plaster, you'll be earning a steady income 24 hours a day for the rest of your life, or at least until he dies and leaves the "mannequin" to some crazy nephew in his will. I know how these stories always end. Happily, that's how. > Anyone ever work on an offshore rig as a cook before? So you're _not_ confotable with body? -- K. I think the oil rigs have microwave ovens and TV dinners these days. I did hear of one that got a Starbucks, but you wouldn't want to work at a Starbucks, even on an offshore oil rig. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey kids? What time is it? It's lutefisk time! Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:05:07 -0400 From www.aftenposten.no, a series of photo captions illustrating happy Norwegians eating icky lutefisk. If you'd like to follow along, you can see these thirteen photos of lutefisk at http://www.aftenposten.no/english/bildeserier/article419747.ece?start=1 or you could just close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum along with my comments while assuming all the photos show pictures of white blobs, much like ennucleate amoebae. -> Lutefisk time! -> -> Image 1 of 13 -> -> Lutefisk is served! Although the wobbly fish is traditionally the -> center of Christmastime feasts, the season is getting longer as -> the dish enjoys greater popularity. Greater popularity than what? Motor oil mixed with vomit? Having your entire body peeled with a Dr. Scholl's corn slicer? The next season of "Star Trek: Enterprise"? -> Image 2 of 13 -> -> Stockfish in water and lye undergoing that strange transformation -> to lutefisk. When the days get shorter, thoughts turn to festive -> and crowded lutefisk dinners. ---------------------- | Recipe for Lutefisk \________________ | | | Ingredients: | | | | * dead fish | | * drain cleaner | | | | Mix ingredients. Then wait for a | | strange transformation. | | | | Substitute lead for fish and you | | can also use this recipe to make gold.| +---------------------------------------+ -> Image 3 of 13 -> -> In Minnesota, the tiny Day Fish Co. manages to sell 50 tons of -> lutefisk from October to January. Only until January? Then shouldn't the word "sell" be "rent" if it's all going to be returned in February? -> Image 4 of 13 -> -> At Det Gamle Raadhus (The Old City Hall) restaurant lutefisk is -> a speciality for seasonal festive gatherings like the Julebord -> (Christmas table). Now you have to book in the autumn and be happy -> to get a spot. Waiter Viggo Bj¿rge carries out lutefisk with -> traditional accompaniments potatoes, bacon and stewed peas. "I'm sorry, you can't have a spot because you're not happy enough. You can only be fed lutefisk if you're happy, because the point of lutefisk is to ruin your day." -> Image 5 of 13 -> -> When lutefisk season sets in, restaurants can barely cope -> with demand. Here Det Gamle Raadhus' owner Arne Sunde pitches -> in by peeling a pile of potatoes. I've never even been near lutefisk, and still I can't cope with demand. I will go insane if I try to accept the fact that, somewhere in the world, there are people _demanding_ lutefisk. -> Image 6 of 13 -> -> The kitchen is a hive of frenzied activity as dozens of guests -> eat their way through several servings. What's grosser than a huge pile of lutefisk? The guests on their bottom eating their way through it! -> Image 7 of 13 -> -> A tray of lutefisk about to make a hurried trip from oven to plate. Either that or it's a tray of used Kleenex soaked in Vaseline. -> Image 8 of 13 -> -> A more modern presentation. One of the attractions of the -> lutefisk feast is that even if the wobbly main attraction -> frightens you, there are piles of trimmings to tempt. Oh, how pretty! A plate with a bunch of lutefisk next to three carrot slices! So that means that even if I think lutefisk is gross, I can still have a complete meal of a tenth of a carrot! -> Image 9 of 13 -> -> The most traditional lutefisk presentation: with unpeeled -> potatoes, bacon, stewed peas, and mustard sauce -- and with beer -> and aquavit to keep things moving. SkŒl! This is the traditional way of doing it? That means that Arne Sunde in image 5 is a traitor! Hardly Norwegian at all! He must be from one of those other countries where people peel their potatoes! Also, where's the lefse? -> Image 10 of 13 -> -> Ertestuing -- a kind of pea porridge. "Ertestuing". I'll have to remember that word if I ever have to dub "Baby Geniuses" into Norwegian, 'cause it resembles a certain type of gravy. -> Image 11 of 13 -> -> Some prefer a sweeter touch to their lutefisk. Possible -> accompaniments for them are seen here -- From left to right: -> cowberries, sweet soya sauce (a newfangled idea), Norway's -> characteristic salty-sweet brown goat's cheese, and molasses. Cowberries are also known as dinglepies. -> Image 12 of 13 -> -> The sign of a lutefisk lover. It's a picture of a guy wearing one of those neckties that looks like a dead fish. I think the caption is trying to tell us that if you eat lutefisk you will become an idiot. Soon you'll be hiding whoopee cushions everywhere and squirting people with a plastic flower and/or attacking them with wind-up chattering teeth. -> Image 13 of 13 -> -> A scene for the aficionado -- lutefisk enthusiasts Jan-KŒre ¯yen -> and Tom Johansen at the Lutefisk Museum in Dr¿bak. The Lutefisk... Museum? A museum... of lutefisk? I think I'd rather go to the Museum Of That Brown Crust That Grows Around The Mouths Of Restaurant Ketchup Bottles, or possibly The Museum Of The Middle Layer Of Yoo-Hoo Sediment, or even The Museum Of Flying Turds. -- K. (It's like visiting the monkey house, except the monkeys have been replaced by a tennis pitching machine operated by Ninja Robert DeNiro.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I win! Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:33:42 -0400 Once upon a time, many years ago, in a Chinese restaurant where I'd tried most of the items on the menu, out of curiosity I decided to order the chow mein. The waitress informed me that I should order something else because it was "just for Americans." (Minutes later, I heard people at another table ordering chow mein and being allowed to have it.) So, I've been an honorary Chinese person for the past many years. Today I also became part Indian. I was in one of my favorite Indian grocery stores and I was in the mood for some snacks, so I picked out a bag of sugar-crusted fried noodles in rainbow colors. The woman came out from behind the counter and took the bag out of my hand, explaining that I didn't want the noodles because they were stale ("old stock") and then she put it back on the shelf for a real American customer and asked me what I wanted. I asked for something sweet and she assisted me, and then I asked for something spicy and she found me a bag of brick-colored noodles with several whole six-inch-long chilies mixed in. I've got to go to that store more often. -- K. (And since I was allowed to buy the sugared noodles _last_ week when I was buying snacks to keep in my office, when I get to work tomorrow I can find out what's horribly wrong with the candied noodles.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: By Tom Mashberg. The president of the Boston Public Library is ready to declare his independence... Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:44:22 -0400 In soc.libraries.talk, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.censorship, Tim May (timcmay@removethis.got.net) wrote: > > There's plenty of room at Gitmo for those who refuse to spy on their > neighbors. What does this have to do with the Boston Public Library's vast conspiracy to cover up the fact that they have all of Don Saklad's friends locked up in the Rare Book Room in orange jumpsuits with bags over their heads? > Surveillance is security. I know. I saw you mumbling that in your sleep. -- K. So, what size bag do you wear? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Here comes a meme: ID RECORDED! Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 01:47:27 -0400 So I went over to Sally Beauty Supply today to pick up the aforementioned hair-destroying products, and because my office is on that block I stopped in there even though it wasn't a work day, just so I could see if any interesting packages had arrived for me, but instead there was a book- sized envelope from Australia. It claimed to be from one Tim Chimilimilamilewinski or some other such made-up name which may or may not be an anagram of "Kiwi Elm Chemist", indicating the package may not have actually been from Australia but rather New Zealand, or one of the many other Zealands. But then I saw a huge fluorescent orange sticker that said "ID RECORDED", and I knew this package would be safe to open because the sticker meant that either a) The package's sender had his I.D. recorded by The Package Police. or b) The Krell recorded their monsters from the id in the format of books which were then lost for a thousand billion years until a postal worker delivered one to Earth so that I could prepare to experience a new scale of physical scientific values and abandon all physical instrumentality and also meet Leslie Nielsen. I opened the package from Tim C and inside was a book whose cover said "THE GRAVITY STEALERS". More horrifyingly, "WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY THE BOYS AND GIRLS OF AUSTRALIA". The rest of the cover was taken up by a drawing of the Moon, except that whatever part of the Moon is the lunar equivalent of Australia was extra-large. The inside-front-cover blurb informs me I am holding "A book written about children, by children, for children... This would seem to be a pretty good recipe for success," although they forgot to underline "seem". The book was created by the kids from the Australian Broadcasting Commission's Argonauts' Club, whatever sort of sinister secret society that might be. The bottom of the blurb says "22/6" in large digits, which I guess means that the original price was twenty-two shillings and sixpence in that old system Australia used back when it was still part of the British penal system. Inside the book is an inscription in really weird handwriting, "Christmas 1965, To Lois, from Daddy." At least, I think that's what it says, because the "C" looks more like a "b" than a "C" and the crossbar of the "t" is a diagonal line above the "a". Oh, and the "D" is a greek capital delta. Basically, it looks like this: / / b husliuas 196j Jo hois frau_ /\aaay. (pretend "/\" is an equilateral triangle) Is this typical of Australian handwriting from the 1960s? Also, is this book typical of Australian book publishing of the 1960s? Then there's a legal page which declares the book is REGISTERED IN AUSTRALIA FOR TRANSMISSION THROUGH THE POST AS A BOOK ...good thing, too, otherwise Tim C would have had to mail me the pages individually with cutesy hearts drawn over all the "i"s to make it count as love letters instead of a book. Next is a foreword by the chairman of the Australian Broadcasting Commission, one Talbot S. Duckmanton, who admits the idea for the book came from something the Norwegian National Broadcasting Service did "in the Norwegian language in Scandinavia." After that is a school yearbook-style section where little mugshots of teens and pre-teens are shown with descriptions of their hobbies and, creepily, their secret Argonaut's Club Greek mythology names and ship numbers. Thus we can find out that sixteen-year-old Annette Kugel not only has dorky Sixties eyeglasses, but also she likes "travel, photography, water sports" (wink, wink, wink) as well as "stamp collecting" (no wink) and her code designation is "Tiberinus 38". Other contributors to this book include Ampycus 47, Myonessus 37, D.T. Pamphylia 2, G.F. & B. Sybaris 24, and Phanes 4. I have no idea what's going on but I assume that to get a name like "G.F. & B. Sybaris 24" either you have to be blindfolded and paddled, or else know Kurt Vonnegut personally. Then the story begins. I will quote a few phrases out of context because nobody likes context. "The control stimulator gave a sharp tingle..." "...Humanic, the international language invented after the Millennium Pact." "'I shall not come,' he told the man at last." "'Now, if I'd done something sensational, like stealing the Crown Jewels or blowing up Art 3, then everyone would be impressed!'" "One of the officers came bounding down the bedroom ramp..." "'...nowadays, the only flags you ever see are the Triple Cross of the Democrats, the Hammer and Sickle of the Communists, and the Human Outline of the Anarchists.'" "Peter handed him the magazine, open at a page headed 'Secret Societies -- Diehards of the Twentieth Century'." "'We shall triumph over you flabby men.'" Anyway, the world gets saved from those backwards Democrats (who refuse to participate in the World Government) and the sinister Company of Newmen, once the Moon wobble is halted, thanks to the bad guys' failure to give the X-62 a protective capsule of gravulum. This book smells funny. -- K. I'm glad I didn't have to read it.