From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (re-run): "Potsie: The Motion Picture" Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 03:59:33 -0400 This story is four years old, and you will enjoy it if you are too. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// It's not technically a story, it's a movie. No, wait, it's a film. No, a Motion Picture! A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE E*V*E*N*T!!! I started writing this at about 12:01 AM on December 24, 2000, and did the final draft at 10:00 PM on the same day. That's why this movie is only half an hour long. I dedicate it to the late Billy Barty. --- part one of two (it's too long to fit into one article) --- POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE a major Christmas release coming to a theater near you! but first, see it HERE! ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen. Please do not be alarmed when the screen goes black. It represents the time before the Universe was formed. (SCREEN GOES BLACK. A long pause. Then a little white dot appears. It explodes in a fireball the size of the universe, and it is really loud.) ANNOUNCER (screaming over the din) IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED MAN! AND NOW MAN DOES GOD ONE BETTER BY CREATING "POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE"! (OPENING CREDITS scroll backwards across the screen, accompanied by eerie music and the sound of screaming howler monkeys.) POTSIE: THE MOTION PICTURE STARRING JIM CARREY AS POTSIE DIRECTED BY BEN STILLER WRITTEN BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY ALSO STARRING JOHN TURTURRO AS JAMES "KIBO" PARRY WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR JOHN MALKOVICH AS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN AND INTRODUCING SPOT AS HIMSELF MUSIC BY DANNY ELFMAN, STONED UNDERWEAR FURNISHED BY FRUIT OF THE LOOM THIS MOVIE IS A PRODUCTION OF THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIO SYSTEM * NO REFUNDS * (SLOW FADE TO:) INTERIOR BEETHOVEN'S RUSTIC COTTAGE, THE OLDEN DAYS (In the olden days, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN is talking to SPOT, a small puppy. In the background is a grand piano with a bust of Schroeder on it.) BEETHOVEN So, Spot, it appears I am to care for you while your usual master is indisposed. SPOT Yeah. He fell in a well or something. BEETHOVEN Well? SPOT Yeah. BEETHOVEN Okay. These are the rules. Number one. Do not ask me what to say. Number two. Never disturb me. There are lots of other rules but you are never to disturb me by asking what they are. You will be fed if I am able to complete my new symphony ahead of time due to your good behavior. Any questions? SPOT Yes -- BEETHOVEN (interrupting) WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! There is no time for questions! I must compose BEAUTIFUL MUSIC! (BEETHOVEN throws a grand piano at SPOT. It goes "KABONGGGGGGG".) BEETHOVEN HAVE THE WENCHES BRING IN ANOTHER PIANO! SPOT (voiceover: inner monologue) He's insane. BEETHOVEN I heard that! Stop beaming your evil puppy thoughts into my brain! Be quiet and sit perfectly still! (SPOT tries to sit perfectly still.) BEETHOVEN You breathe too loud! And make your hair stop growing so fast! SPOT But I want to grow long hair! It would make me look cool! BEETHOVEN No. Not one important person has ever had long hair. SPOT But, Jesus had long hair. BEETHOVEN Fine, when you can walk on water, then you can grow your hair long. But until then don't pretend you're as good a person as Jesus. You are not allowed to compare yourself to Jesus in any way. SPOT But, I don't think I'm as good as Jesus -- BEETHOVEN (interrupting) I SAID NOT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO JESUS IN ANY WAY! SPOT So, I am not allowed to have long hair because Jesus had long hair and he was a good person? BEETHOVEN Exactly. SPOT Then can I wear my hair like Hitler? He was a baaaad person. BEETHOVEN No! Bad persons are bad role models for you! SPOT So I can't wear my hear like good people or like bad people? BEETHOVEN You have just lost your hair privileges, young man! Take off your hair this instant! SPOT No. You ARE insane. And you're worse than Hitler and so is your hair. I'm going to grow long hair and there's nothing you can do about it. You're not my father! BEETHOVEN THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM! DON'T COME OUT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS! NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU! SPOT But it's April. BEETHOVEN NO IT ISN'T! I'LL SAY WHAT MONTH IT IS! GO TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL CHRISTMAS GOES AWAY AND DOESN'T COME BACK! SPOT Fine. Pinhead. (SPOT exits. The CHORUS enters, carrying armloads of cream pies.) CHORUS Ten! Months! Later! (They fall down a flight of stairs. SPOT comes out of his room, now quite skinny, but with very long hair.) SPOT Can I come out yet? BEETHOVEN Be quiet! I am trying to swat this fly! SPOT I don't see any fly. BEETHOVEN That's because he's an IMAGINARY fly! (BEETHOVEN hurls his latest piano against the wall. The piano shatters into 88 pieces. The screen fills with flying piano keys.) CUT TO: INTERIOR VAUDEVILLE HALL, TURN OF THE CENTURY (The CHORUS enters, carrying chocolate layer cakes.) CHORUS The year is! Nineteen! Fourteen! (They fall down some stairs. The vaudeville comedy duo of LUND and FUNT takes the stage. They are wearing baggy pants.) LUND I say, old chap. FUNT Yes, kind sir? LUND I wonder if I could trouble you to tell me what time it is. FUNT It is not a time. It is a pronoun. LUND No, what time is it? FUNT No, it is a pronoun. LUND What time is it? FUNT It is a pronoun. FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER Stop the show! War has broken out! SECOND AUDIENCE MEMBER Hooray! War is stopping the show! FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER Look out, mustard gas! (Yellow fog comes in through the window. Everyone coughs and drops dead.) CUT TO: INTERIOR MOVIE STUDIO, 1940 (It is the set of "The Wizard Of Oz". The CHORUS enters, carrying cream puffs.) CHORUS Twenty! Seven! Years! Later! (They trip over MUNCHKINS and fall down the stairs.) DIRECTOR Okay, now let's shoot, um, how about a big dance number. Judy, sing something about whales. No, wait, make it about a rainbow. JUDY GARLAND (singing) Somewhere, overrrr the raaaainbowwwww... (The lights flicker for a second. There is a crackling noise and a scream.) DIRECTOR Cut, cut, cut. This is all wrong. The guy being electrocuted is supposed to be VISIBLE in the frame behind her. (Some MUNCHKINS wheel an electric chair into view. It is empty but still smoldering.) FIRST MUNCHIN Sorry, boss. SECOND MUNCHKIN Hey, why are we executing condemned criminals in the background of a big musical number? DIRECTOR Snap it up with that chair. Get someone strapped in and let's roll. FIRST MUNCHKIN Sorry, boss. SECOND MUNCHKIN Send in the next member of the Condemned Criminals Being Executed In Movies Guild! (A CRIMINAL in a striped prison uniform is strapped into the chair. The MUNCKINS, JUDY GARLAND, the GOOD WITCH, the SMELLY SKUNK, and the EXTERMINATOR take their places for the musical number. A RODEO CLOWN takes the controls of a movie camera.) DIRECTOR ROLL IT, CLOWN! (JUDY GARLAND sings "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" while, behind her, a CRIMINAL is electrocuted by MUNCHKINS. Also, a HOODED MUNCHKIN pulls the lever which causes another CRIMINAL to be hanged. Another MUNCHKIN shoots BILLY BARTY while making a "Wizard Of Snuff" video. Assorted other sordid acts are being performed in the distance. JUDY stops singing and turns around to look at the various shocking things.) JUDY GARLAND Why did they kill Billy Barty? He was the best midget ever! DIRECTOR Just ignore that. It's all part of the glamour of Tinseltown. JUDY GARLAND Hey, those people in the back are having sex. DIRECTOR Yes, it's Potsie Senior and Mrs. Potsie Senior. They are busy conceiving fetal Potsie before our eyes. JUDY GARLAND Ick! Gross! I'm going to become a lesbian so I'll never have to give birth to Liza Minelli! CUT TO: INTERIOR ARNOLD'S DINER, THE LATE FIFTIES (The CHORUS is carrying canoli.) CHORUS Eighteen! Years! Later! (The FONZ pushes them down the stairs.) FONZ Ayyyy! Choruses are for nerds! RALPH MALPH Hey, Fonzie, am I a nerd? FONZ No, you're a SUPER NERD. RALPH MALPH Cool, does that mean I can fight crime and stuff? FONZ No, it means, why do I associate myself with these losers? Adieu. (The FONZ exits. POTSIE enters.) RALPH MALPH Hey, Potsie, guess what! The Fonz said I was super! A super nerd, even! POTSIE Aw, gee. Why can't I be the super nerd? RALPH MALPH Cheer up, Potsie. At least now that we've got jobs at that theater you can afford to buy some underwear. POTSIE Yeah. I always wanted underwear. (ARNOLD comes running into the room carrying a small television set.) ARNOLD Hey, lookie everyone! They just invent TV! POTSIE Cool, now we can see our commercial! (ARNOLD turns on the TV. It shows a primitive test pattern.) ARNOLD Dig that crazy bar chart! (ARNOLD exits.) TV NETWORK ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, the Standard Broadcasting Corporation is now on the air. As of today, we begin regular television broadcasting, beginning with these commercials. (The TV shows a vaudeville stage with spotlights moving back and forth. Long drum roll as another announcer speaks:) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) They may be long dead, but the laughs live on! Before the war, Benny Lund and Freddie Funt were the comedy team of Lund & Funt! Now, you can see their greatest comedy routines brought back to life with Ralph Malph as Lund and Potsie as Funt! (On TV, RALPH and POTSIE enter in baggy pants.) RALPH (on TV) Would you like to buy a dead duck? POTSIE (on TV) No, I would not like to buy a dead duck. RALPH (on TV) Well, too late, I already killed it! POTSIE (on TV) Why, you! (They begin chasing each other around.) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Lund and Funt were true masters of physical comedy! (POTSIE is gagging as he tries to swallow RALPH's necktie.) TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (voiceover) And now, for the first time since the war, you can see their most famous comedy routines, such as "The Man Who Couldn't Stop Barfing", "The Queen's Tapeworm", and "Oops, Baby Made Two Boom-Booms!" See them while you eat at the Lund & Funt Dinner Theater! TV DISCLAIMER ANNOUNCER (voiceover) Food costs extra. Comedy may not be funny. May contain Potsie. POTSIE Wow, neat! Not only did we get great jobs at that dinner theater, but they put us in a TV commercial! RALPH How did they put me in the TV commercial? I wasn't there! POTSIE It's commercial magic, Ralph! Now let's go to work! RALPH Potsie, we don't have to be there for another three and a half minutes. POTSIE Oh, well, then that's enough time to play a song on the jukebox. Hey, everybody, you're about to listen to a song, on me! (POTSIE puts a nickel into a jukebox and starts pushing numerous buttons.) RALPH Potsie, wait! You were supposed to use the regular jukebox, not the radioactive one the mad scientist left to Arnold's in his will! (Sparks shoot out of the jukebox and lightning jumps from the tone arm to POTSIE's head. His entire body begins to glow. His pants are blown off, revealing his clean new underwear.) POTSIE Help me, Ralph! I am being irradiated by this crazy juke box! (RALPH unplugs it. Smoke is coming from POTSIE's ears and his hair is messed up, looking like a cross between Jesus's and Hitler's.) RALPH Potsie, are you okay? POTSIE More than okay... I'm SUPER! (POTSIE reaches up and tears Arnold's in half. He juggles the two halves, while RALPH is still inside one.) RALPH Potsie, stop juggling everything and PUT ME DOWN! POTSIE No can do, Ralph! Now that I have super powers granted by an evil jukebox I have a duty to commit unspeakable acts of destruction for no reason whatsoever! RALPH Potsie, you know you're not supposed to commit unspeakable acts without a darn good reason! POTSIE Sorry, Ralph! All bets are off now that I'm Super Evil Potsie! And screw dinner theater! I'm going to perform my evil acts right here! First up, I'm gonna make your uvula explode! (RALPH's uvula explodes. ARNOLD hears the bang and comes running in.) ARNOLD What happen? RALPH (blood pouring from his mouth) Ang ang ang annng ang angggg! ARNOLD I can't understand you. It's as if your uvula explode! Tell me later. (ARNOLD exits. RALPH moves to strangle POTSIE but POTSIE gestures emphatically. RALPH is instantly changed into a large red stain on the far wall.) POTSIE Gosh, I now have limitless God-like powers of evil! I shall put my powers of evil to good use as I kill everyone! But first, I need to plan ahead a little... having a pair of underwear saved me from certain exposure just now. If I had all the underwear in the world, I'd be invincible! So first I'll steal all the underwear in the world, then I'll use my powers and underwear to destroy the world! (He gestures again and a nuclear power plant appears on the horizon. It explodes in a giant mushroom cloud. The shockwave causes a nearby underwear store to be blown to bits, hurling several dozen pairs of briefs into a pile at POTSIE's feet.) POTSIE I like being a Super Nerd! --- continued next article --- -- K. Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry so don't film "Potsie: The Motion Picture" without paying off both me and Potsie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (re-run): "Potsie: The Motion Picture" (continued) Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 04:00:53 -0400 The end of the four-year-old story. Unless I've reposted these in the wrong order, in which case this is only the beginning. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Here's the rest of the epic. I'll post it all on my Web site once you people E-mail me about where the typos are. --- continued from previous article, part two of two --- CUT TO: INTERIOR CHEAP CARDBOARD SET, LATE SIXTIES (Three walls are made of cardboard, and the fourth is made of semi-regularly stacked foam-rubber blocks. The CHORUS enters, carrying armfuls of Linzer tortes.) CHORUS Ten! Years! Later! (The CAMERA TILTS to the left, hurling them down some stairs. BATMAN and ROBIN enter.) ROBIN Holy choral catastrophes, Batman! BATMAN Yes, Robin, we have just seen an example of what happens when the balance of pastry is disrupted. ROBIN Gosh, yes! BATMAN Quick, Robin, look at that puppy! (In a corner, SPOT is scratching himself.) ROBIN Holy mangy mongrels, Batman! BATMAN Robin, even if he is just a pathetic little puppy who hasn't cut his hair in centuries, as members in good standing of the Citizens' Veterinary Squadron it is our duty to feed and bathe that puppy, and to give it a crew cut. SPOT But I don't want a crew cut, Batman! BATMAN Wait! My sensitive, classically-trained ears, honed by years of listening to Gilbert & Sullivan, are sensing a faint noise! (Everyone listens intently. There is complete silence for a moment, then an ear-shattering crash as POTSIE smashes his way through the wall of precariously-balanced foam rubber blocks.) POTSIE Arrrr! I'm Potsie! Look at me! I'm Potsie! BATMAN Quick, Robin, there's not a moment to lose -- hand me the Bat Potsie Repellent! ROBIN Holy idiotic plot devices, Batman! The very idea that I would be carrying such a thing as 'Bat Potsie Repellent' is not merely impossible, it is insulting to my -- wait, here it is. (ROBIN hands the can to BATMAN, who sprays it on POTSIE.) POTSIE Curse you and your Bat Potsie Repellent! Now I have to leave until it wears off! (POTSIE exits at a leisurely stroll.) SPOT What the heck is going on? And what does any of this have to do with Christmas? NEWSBOY Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Spot not informed of plot! Read all about it! SPOT Why, thank you, I will. NEWSBOY Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Dogs can't read! SPOT Oh, poo. ROBIN Batman, he just said a bad word! BATMAN Get him! (A big fight scene ensues, during which onomatopoeia is flashed on the screen. "ZOWIE!" "BLORCH!" "WOXWOX!" "PERTWEE!" But it is interrupted by the entry of the CHORUS, carrying pumpkin pies.) CHORUS Ten! Years! Later! CUT TO: INTERIOR KIBO'S LIVING ROOM, MID-SEVENTIES (KIBO, age nine, is watching "Match Game '76" on TV.) LITTLE KIBO I must memorize this so that someday I can say something about it when I grow up. GENE RAYBURN (on TV) Welcome to this special Bicentennial edition of "Match Game '76"! CHARLES NELSON REILLY (on TV) Look at me! I'm so gay! LITTLE KIBO (taking notes) Charles Nelson Reilly... gay. Hmm, I wonder what "gay" means. Oh well, the important thing is that I now know everything about "Match Game '76"! I predict the next answer will be "wee-wee"! BRETT SOMERS (on TV) Wee-wee! NIPSEY RUSSELL (on TV) Wee-wee! POTSIE (on TV) Underwear! LITTLE KIBO Waah! Mommy, Potsie is ruining my favorite TV show! Make him go back on "Happy Days" or not say "underwear" on TV! POTSIE (on TV) But, Kibo, it's appropriate because I have just stolen your underwear! LITTLE KIBO But I didn't feel a thing! POTSIE (on TV) That's because I replaced it with something similar, but better! If you don't believe me, take a look! (KIBO unfastens his pants. POTSIE's head pops up from inside them.) POTSIE (inside Kibo's pants) Hi! I'm Under-Potsie! LITTLE KIBO Waah! Mommy, I don't like my new Under-Potsie! POTSIE (on TV, waving Kibo's underwear around) Ha ha, got your underwear! Now I'm going to add it to my giant ball of underwear and someday I'll have all the underwear in the world! (KIBO turns to look directly into the camera.) LITTLE KIBO (very serious) As of this day, I vow that I will dedicate the rest of my life to preventing Potsie from stealing underwear. CUT TO: INTERIOR "MATCH GAME '77" SET CHORUS One! Year! Later! GARY BURGHOFF Wee-wee! FANNIE FLAGG Wee-wee! POTSIE Underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY Hey, my underwear's gone! POTSIE Lots of people's underwear's gone! Look, here are President Carter's tightie whities! (He snaps the waistband of the President's underwear, hitting CHARLES in the eye.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY You've blinded my eye, you grubby little nerd! POTSIE Aw, come off it, don't start with me, Charlie, you forget that I have God-like powers! AUTHOR OF STORY (voiceover: inner monologue) I almost forgot that too. CHARLES NELSON REILLY Oh yeah? Well, if you have arbitrarily mighty powers, prove it! POTSIE Okay! When I snap my fingers, "Match Game '77" will magically change to "Airport '77"! (POTSIE snaps his fingers, hitting CHARLES in the other eye. He then starts making airplane noises with his mouth.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY (now completely blind) Oh no! It SOUNDS like we're on a jumbo jet that's about to crash! POTSIE (speaking into the camera) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of my brilliant deviousness which shall trick YOU out of your underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY Wait, the jumbo jet noise stopped while you were talking. I think you're faking it! (POTSIE gestures and CHARLES is transformed into a small cube of blue cheese. POTSIE crumbles it.) SPOT (wandering onto the set) Excuse me, is this the line to see "Star Wars"? POTSIE Stupid puppy, you're not meant to be here! SPOT Yeah, well, neither are you! You're on the wrong network! Go back to that show where you played fifth banana to Fonzie! POTSIE That's it, I'm gonna nuke you, sucka! (POTSIE waves his arms frantically but nothing happens.) SPOT Ha-ha! I am immune to your magic because I am a puppy and therefore I don't wear underwear! (BATMAN and ROBIN enter.) BATMAN Quick, Robin, take off your underwear! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm gayer than those two. POTSIE Spot, Batman, and friends, you can't stop me now. I already have 90% of the underwear in the world. For instance, look at this -- Mick Jagger's last known underwear! (He holds up a pair which haven't been worn in ages, and suddenly there is a "BOINGGGG" noise and several PEOPLE DRESSED AS GIANT FRUIT pop out of the waistband.) APPLE We're the Fruit Of The Loom guys! GRAPE I'm played by Richard Simmons! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm gayer than him! GRAPE Well, of course you are, dearie, I just PRETEND to be gay because it would be a shame if Jay Leno and David Letterman ran out of material! CHARLES NELSON REILLY I wish I'd thought of that. Then I could have gotten Judy Garland pregnant and she would have given birth to a version of Liza Minelli who kept saying "wee-wee". POTSIE Put your alternative lifestyle away and let's get back to the business at hand! Richard Simmons, I claim your underwear in the name of evil! GRAPE You'll never get your hands on my underwear! POTSIE Won't I? (POTSIE wiggles his nose and the GRAPE's underwear is yanked off and floats in the air next to him. But there is another "BOINGGGG" and more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistband. Then POTSIE steals their underwear and dozens more FRUIT PEOPLE pop out of the waistbands.) POTSIE Begone, fruit people! I banish ye back to the elastic from whence you came! (POTSIE tugs his earlobe and the FRUIT PEOPLE vanish.) BATMAN But you still must defeat me, Potsie! You may have super powers, but you forget, I am also a super hero! POTSIE But you don't have any super powers! ROBIN Holy obvious fatal flaw in your plan, he's right! I never thought of that! BATMAN Can I go now? POTSIE Yes, just leave your underwear at the door and you can go back to the Batcave and have a good cry. (BATMAN and ROBIN turn to leave.) BATMAN (on his way out) You may have bested me in a fair fight, you sleazy degenerate, but there is still one more member of the Justice League who will never bend to your whims -- Plastic Man! (BATMAN exits as PLASTIC MAN enters.) CHARLES NELSON REILLY I'm definitely NOT as gay as HIM. PLASTIC MAN I can stretch faster than any underwear, therefore you can't defeat me! POTSIE Too late! I have already defeated you before you were born! You see, in 1943, when I was a toddler, I accidentally burned down a Dow Chemical lab, and as a result, plastic was never invented! You don't exist! (PLASTIC MAN, all TELEPHONEs and VCRs, ZIP-LOC BAGS, and CHARLES NELSON REILLY'S HAIRPIECE disappear.) SPOT Waah! Stop making all my favorite superheroes look pathetic! POTSIE I will only stop when I have obtained the few pieces of underwear I need to complete my collection. Then I will have brought about a world of NO UNDERWEAR! SPOT I only pray that Kibo can stop you... wherever he is. CUT TO: INTERIOR VIDEO ARCADE, 1990 CHORUS Thirteen! Years! Later! (The muzak starts playing a "New Kids On The Block" song.) KIBO (now grown up, playing Atari's "Klax") It is the nineties, and now there is time for Klax! POTSIE (materializing instantly) Kan it, Kibo, you Klueless Klax Kook! KIBO Hey! Stop making fun of the fact that my name happens to begin with an evil letter! Anyway, you're a fine one to talk, with your half-Hitler hair! (SPOT runs into the arcade.) SPOT Kibo! I'm so glad I found you! POTSIE Too late, dippity dog! I found him first! SPOT But I called it first. POTSIE No, it's who SEES him first that matters, not who YELLS ABOUT IT first. SPOT Speaking of seeing, did Charles Nelson Reilly's eyesight come back sometime during that last scene? POTSIE I forget. It was a long time ago. KIBO And why are you here? You should be out looking for underwear! You already got my underwear! Look! (KIBO opens his pants and UNDER-POTSIE's face pops out again.) UNDER-POTSIE Geez, Kibo, try washing my face once in a while. POTSIE Well, you see, Kibo, I'm here because it turns out the only underwear missing from my giant ball of underwear is the word "underwear" you keep typing in this script. So I'm going to steal the letters U, N, D, E, R, W, and A from your keyboard. Some of them twice. KIBO Wait, before you do that -- are you sure you have ALL the other underwear? POTSIE Yes. KIBO Blue Man Group's underwear? POTSIE Got it. KIBO Bozo's? Bebe Rebozo's? POTSIE Got it, got it. KIBO Dracula's? POTSIE Fiction, but got it anyway. KIBO How? POTSIE You forget, we're all fictional here. KIBO Oh yeah, I forgot. Me not so smart. Me just using this word processor by accident. In fact, at any moment I could hit a wrong key just like... THIS! POTSIE Stop! What are you doing? KIBO Oh, something clever. I just did a search-and-replace on this entire script and everywhere it used to say "underwear" it now says "underwear". So now you're obsessed with underwear and not underwear. SPOT But, Kibo, they're the same word. KIBO They are NOW, Spot. POTSIE I fail to see how replacing the word for what I had been collecting with the word "underwear" makes any difference because it just changed my big ball of you-know-what into a big ball of underwear so my plan for world domination will still work. SPOT But, this doesn't make any sense -- what about Potsie's dialogue about the letters U, N, D, E, and so on? KIBO Oh, I search-and-replaced those too. Originally he was talking about some other letters. SPOT But then shouldn't this sentence have changed into something which looks more like "Wurfl gjzoik blivoq sjen xoejk whshbz lemdn bx ekenhna nerbro zem eheboqkm owmdl"? KIBO Sej. SPOT Stoq it! KIBO Fwck yiv! POTSIE Never mind all those attempts at pretending you're putting actual wordplay in your script instead of filler! I just realized that I don't have to steal your letters U, N, D, E, et cetera, I can get nearly identical copies of those letters from almost any book! KIBO Rats. He is exploiting the only flaw in my logic as he builds his giant underwear wad! POTSIE I will just add the final underwear to my giant ball of all the underwear in the world, like so -- UNDERWEAR BALL Grr! SPOT Yipes! The underwear ball is chasing me around the room! KIBO Potsie, don't you see what you have done? You have amassed enough underwear in that pile that it has attained sentience! And now it's hungry! POTSIE Well, I didn't mean to do that, but for the next few minutes I'm going to be too busy destroying the world to care about underwear chasing the dog. Say goodbye to existence as you know it. (POTSIE prepares to gesture.) KIBO Well, it was a nice Universe we once had. This is all YOUR fault, Spot. SPOT MY fault? Why? KIBO Because you wouldn't cut your hair. This whole story came about as a morality play to illustrate that the true meaning of Christmas is that it doesn't matter if your hair is long or short as long as you cut it when Beethoven tells you to. SPOT That's a stupid moral. Besides, I think this story is more like "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" except it's about Potsie stealing people's underwear. POTSIE No, it's more like an episode of "Happy Days" without the "Happy Days" part and with some "Match Game '76" and "Batman" and "Doctor Who" thrown in. KIBO There's no "Doctor Who" in this story. GUY WITH REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF There! I have disintegrated the giant ball of underwear with my sonic screwdriver! (One finger begins playing a Moog synthesizer somewhere. The GUY WITH THE REALLY REALLY LONG SCARF climbs into some sort of weird British phone booth and vanishes.) KIBO Darn. He left before I could find out his last name. POTSIE That's okay, I got his underwear -- (POTSIE holds up the world's longest underwear.) POTSIE It's so long that it'll take me forever to put it on, and that way I'll never have time to wear it out. So even though this is now the only underwear in the world, I am happy. SPOT Yes, this is an unusually happy ending for one of Kibo's works of fiction, ESPECIALLY given that I'm in it. (SPOT's uvula explodes.) KIBO Wait, don't explode your uvula just yet -- we're still in the nineties. This is supposed to be the Christmas 2000 story! We gotta get through Y2K before we can go home! The world could still blow up! Hang on for excitement before we can leave! POTSIE I hate you, Kibo. KIBO Send in the chorus! (The CHORUS enters, carrying enormous bowls of chocolate mousse, and not wearing underwear.) CHORUS Some! Years! Later! (They fall down an escalator, but it is an "up" escalator so that by the time they finish falling they're at the top and fall down again, and again, and again.) KIBO Ha ha! They fell down in glop! SPOT You should have ended it at the happy ending part. KIBO No, the happiest ending of all time is coming up. Look: (JUDY GARLAND and CHARLES NELSON REILLY get married. So do BATMAN and ROBIN. POTSIE shaves off his Hitler hair and looks more handsome than Patrick Stewart. SPOT is allowed to wear underwear from now on, even though there isn't any. RALPH MALPH comes back from the dead for just long enough that he doesn't wear out his welcome. BEETHOVEN goes permanently deaf and doesn't have any time to be insane now that he's deaf full-time. RICHARD SIMMONS learns to be comfortable with his own heterosexuality. KIBO finds a machine that makes Bacon Pez and turns it on.) KIBO Arrrrr! There be Bacon Pez here! SPOT Why, Kibo, I didn't know you had pirate blood in you. KIBO Do you want to dress up as a parrot and sit on my shoulder? SPOT Can I poop? KIBO No. SPOT I'll think about it. KIBO I'll give you some Bacon Pez. ANNOUNCER (voiceover) And Spot never pooped again. It was the merriest Christmas ever. The End! (The words "THE END" burst through the screen on a stick, hitting the audience in the forehead. Lawsuits ensue but they are thrown out of court because everyone is so happy about having just seen the happy ending. There are no more wars, and Bacon Pez flow freely from all faucets. The End.) DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS A WORK OF FICTION: POTSIE WAS NEVER ON "MATCH GAME". ALSO, THE ACTUAL NINETIES INCLUDED Y2K, HARRY POTTER, MONICA LEWINSKY, JOHN ROCKER, THE SPICE GIRLS, TICKLE ME ELMO, COLUMBINE, TAMAGOTCHIS, DENNIS MILLER, O.J. SIMPSON, BART SIMPSON, A SCREWED-UP ELECTION, PAULY SHORE, TWO FALSE REPORTS OF BOB HOPE'S DEATH, WOODY ALLEN'S SEX LIFE, THE "BATTLEFIELD EARTH" MOVIE, DAVID KORESH, ELIAN GONZALEZ, THE IMAC, "SURVIVOR", JAR JAR BINKS, AND OTHER THINGS WHICH WERE OMITTED IN ORDER TO SANITIZE THIS HAPPY CHRISTMAS TALE. I NOW DECLARE THE TWENTIETH CENTURY OVER. BYE! -- K. Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry, and soon to be nominated for the Nobel Prize For Best Picture. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You guys are funny Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 04:14:48 -0400 paxwax1 (paxwax1@ozonline.com.au) wrote: > > I'm having a ball reading this groups messages and interactions. Oh, sure, at first you think they're interactions, but then you realize there isn't even one real person posting here. All of alt.religion.kibology was generated in advance by Benoit Mandelbrot slicing a cross-section through a liverwort-shaped cloud of letters and numbers to generate chaotically unpredictable phrases like "chaotically unpredictable phrases like" and "and then a cougar ate him." > You seem quite mad in places. I'm beside myself in gratitude. And then a cougar ate him, but it was okay because you had another guy. Then you lived happily ever after. -- K. Then a cougar ate you. The End (because this is as far as the liverwort can stretch.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Stretch Armstrong diet (was: You guys are funny) Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:11:09 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The End (because this is as far > > as the liverwort can stretch.) > > All this time I thought it was the liverwurst that could stretch that far. One, you haven't been paying attention, and two, you're going to be _very_ disappointed. I think that bacon is the stretchiest vegetable. When it comes to meat that stretches to six times its normal size, I'm not sure -- pork sung may easily be compacted to one-sixth its normal size, so the stretchiest meat in the world would have to be the opposite of pork sung. Since pork sung is made from pork, the opposite would have to tend towards chicken. And as pork sung is all fuzz, the opposite would have to be some sort of solid slab. Hey, know what this means? We've just proved that Animal 57 is stretchier than Silly Putty! Tastier, too! I have such a craving for PFK right now. -- K. Why isn't "Animal 57"'s name French since most of the rumors about it link it to PFK, not KFC? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My suitcase Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:17:53 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I have a growing pile of items to go into my suitcase > for my trip.The pile so far consists of: > > 1) Three quilts First off, just because the TV commercials keep telling you to use quilted toilet paper, doesn't mean that using actual quilts is better. > 2) One 118 year old book If you're throwing it a birthday party, be careful -- any sort of excitement might make the frail old thing keel over. Be especially cautious when lighting the candles on its birthday cake three inches away from its dry brittle pages with your flamethrower. > 3) Two tubes of Boudreaux's Butt Paste Fun for you _and_ your friend, eh? I think Elmer's works better. > 4) One jar of Italian Olive Salad And _this_ is the item that will get smashed in the suitcase, because it contains the most oil. > 5) One pound of CDM chicory coffee Do you mean one pound in Earth measurements, or one pound in the coffee system? What is that now, eleven ounces? How do you convert a pound of coffee to two-by-fours? > 6) Addresses and phone numbers Don't forget your sniper rifle. > 7) Shorts,t-shirts and skirts Don't forget your ninja suit to go with the sniper rifle. > 8) One digital camera and the software that goes > with it (also extra batteries) ATTENTION AIRPORT SECURITY: ANYONE CARRYING EXTRA BATTERIES IS A TERRORIST! > 9) Several CD's Smuggling twenty copies of Chris Isaak into one of those Music Exclusion Zones to smash the state, eh? Just because Chris Isaak barely counts as "music" doesn't mean they'll let you get away with it. > Add to my list please,any other items you think > I should add. Hot sauce, and one strip of Paddington-style bacon. -- K. NEED HOT SAUCE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Saturday's newspaper was fun to read Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:27:24 -0400 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > First, there was the story (and photo) of our Sexratary of State, (Semi) > Colin Powell, dancing and lip-synching to "YMCA" at a major > international conference's traditional Skit Night. I suppose that if I > were a far-right conservative religious type channeling Burgess > Meredith, I would want to KNOW why a TOP OFFICIAL of our AMERICAN > GOVERNMENT was PERFORMING a song that is POPULARLY KNOWN as a THINLY > VEILED REFERENCE to and a GLORIFICATION of the GAY LIFESTYLE. (Oh, in > case you didn't see, Colin was dressed as the construction worker.) I decided the reason he wasn't dressed as the G.I. is that the Army doesn't want anyone to realize how gay people in Army uniforms look. > Then, scanning the sports pages, I happen to glimpse a note about Friday > night's game between the Cleveland Indians and Cincinnatti Reds, won > quite convincingly by the former, 15-2. Not that I follow either team, > but what drew my eye (OW!) was this little aside about the winning > pitcher, Kazuhito Tadano: > > "He was one of Japan's top college pitchers, but didn't get drafted > after a Japanese tabloid published photos of him appearing in a gay porn > video." > > After he signed with Cleveland, incidentally, he held a press conference > to apologize for being in the porn video. His explanation was simple: He > needed the money. Yeah, most gay people only turned gay for the extra income. That and the ability to borrow shoes from their boyfriend. > That's why I'm glad we have the Cape Cod League here: Now, college > baseball stars can perfect their craft AND get paid for it, and don't > have to be in gay pRon videos UNLESS THEY LIKE THAT SORT OF THING, or > else they feel the video has a certain artistic integrity. So in the Cape Cod League, who do you support, the team from Provincetown or the team from Gay Head? > And, reaching into the Cookie Jar of Obviousness, I wonder why Colin > Powell couldn't have asked Tadano to play the part of the Indian. I think Tadano is waiting for there to be a Village People knockoff with a baseball pitcher, a hockey goalie, a football linebacker, a basketball referee, a skeleton luger, and Lance Armstrong. -- K. The name of the group could be "The Broken Beds". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why Saturday's newspaper was fun to read Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 21:44:59 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So in the Cape Cod League, who do you support, the team from Provincetown > > or the team from Gay Head? > > Dude, the whole Cape is so gay it's on the verge of hysteria. I mean, shit, > try saying "Hyannis" with a straight face. Or go two towns over and you > can see signs that say "Entering Dennis". Cummaquid? Wood's Hole? It's > all here on scenic Cape Queer. So, in other words, it's your little secret whether you support the Provincetown team or the Gay Head team. But don't worry, we have ways of finding out just how gay you are. Expect a pastry delivery in the morning so that the graphologists can dissect the signature you exuberantly use when your eyes light up at the sight of millefeuille. > Not that there's anything wrong with that. As long as they can beat the Boston Lobsters. I know they play different sports, but hey, I've seen the Lobsters play a straight team, so surely it's just as okay for them to play a gay team from a different league. The choice of sport is less important than whether we get to see lesbians fighting. -- K. It's depressing that of all the hockey games I've been to, the only time I've been hit by a puck was at a Lobsters game. Why can't the Senators ever nail me? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Twenty years ago today. Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 12:37:41 -0400 Twenty years ago today, Nancy Reagan solved all the world's drug problems by telling us to "JUST SAY NO." And ever since July 4, 1984 -- the day the President's wife invented the word "no" -- our lives and our vocabulary have been much richer. Thanks for "no", Nancy. Hey, got any more two-letter advice? -- K. This is your brain: -> o This is your brain on drugs: -> * This is your brain in uppercase: -> O Any questions? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Tell If You Are Lots42 Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 18:58:32 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > How to tell if you are Lots42 > > 1) You talk about libraries too much Too much compared to Don Saklad? Or just too much compared to people who aren't irritating about their love of sweet, sweet public libraries? > 2) You have a dad who asks you for advice, only to ignore it and get grumpy Well, tell us what some of this easy-to-ignore advice was and then let us judge whether it was good or not once we've ignored it. > 3) The local library ladies know you on sight. It's your "NOT DON" nametag. > 4) Yet you are awful, awful with names and are embarassed about it. Quick, what was the name of Lincoln's doctor's dog's neighbor's enemy's footstool's designer's banker's prostitute... and WHY? > 5) Deciding which store to go to for food and or other supplies depends > on the time of day. (Traffic on nearby roads is just insane during > rushing hours) I would factor in the type of store, myself. Trying to buy food at the Other Supplies store wouldn't work well. > 6) You are woken up late at night when the guinea pig decides to play > 'Let's make very loud noises'. Eh-heh-heh. I ain't touching that straight line with a ten-foot pole. > 7) You are beholden to the idiots at the power company. (For example: > 'Don't turn off my power to save load effort' means to them 'Turn off > my power now, please, I enjoy sweating') I think they want you to SQUEEEEEAL LIKE A PIG! -- K. Say "Oink!", Not Don. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Label Maker Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 19:36:04 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > For reasons that I don't care to elaborate on, I recently purchased a > Brother P-touch 1180 label maker. I am now going to label everything > in my entire home, just because I can and it's so fun to play with the > label maker. Next I will buy some different colored labels so I can > change the labels' colors as well as wording according to my mood. > Then I will take over the world! So got any tips for us on when we should dump our ImClone stock? In related digital labelling news, Sean Bonner's weblog has a photo of something he found at an office-supply store. It's a package of Avery #8293 Matte White High Visibility Labels. They're little circles an inch and a half across. The package shows them used to mark some typical mailed items "FRAGILE: OPEN THIS END -->". The interesting part is that the address typed on the topmost item is this: -> Tyler Durden -> 420 Paper St. -> Wilmington, DE 19886 Some graphic designer was clearly having fun referencing his favorite movie _and_ his favorite recreational drug in that serving suggestion. Either that, or he was trying to send a subtle hint to his boss that if they ever try to fire him, he'll beat himself up and blackmail the firm for a free computer. I don't know about you, but if I ever have an urge to stage a dramatic re-enactment of my favorite "Zippy" comic strip ("HELLO KITTY GANG TERRORIZES TOWN, FAMILY STICKERED TO DEATH!") I'll be using Avery #8293. 400 to a package. 1.5" diameter. Where did I leave that file where I wrote down the formula for computing the surface area of a human... -- K. Duct tape is so much easier, but I don't think there's a brand of it approved by my invisible friend Tyler. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Label Maker Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 20:23:06 -0400 Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (MmmToblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > For reasons that I don't care to elaborate on, I recently purchased a > > > Brother P-touch 1180 label maker. > > > > I'm sorry, but: "P-touch"? is this lablemaker a registered sex offender > > in any states? > > Whoa there, Taly! Bitter we may be, but we must still accept that not > every touch is a crime in this country. It is if you press hard enough. -- K. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Let me know if it bugs you and I'll stop _not_ touching you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 23:37:35 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > +--------------------+ > > | I MAY BE ON FIRE | > > | | > > | JUST TO BE SAFE, | > > | PAT ME OUT! | > > +--------------------+ > > > Not safe enough. I'm going to start following you around with big > buckets of sand. Change "sand" to "White Castles soaked in hot sauce" and I am _there_, baby! > > When I get around to > > doing ice blue hair, > > what should the sign say? > > +--------------------+ > | | > | WAKE ME WHEN | > | IT'S BINGO NIGHT | > | | > +--------------------+ I don't spend money on bingo. You see, I have a problem. The problem is that when I'm around insane people frantically rubber-stamping two dozen Bingo cards simultaneously with Mike-Jittlov-performing-dentistry expressions on their faces, I tend to start trying to turn it into a game of Fizzbin To The Death and they have to throw me out because I just can't stand _not_ to interfere with hundreds of people who are voluntarily hypnotizing themselves on listening to the meaningless code numbers that might lead to them winning ten bucks towards the eight bags of potato chips they'll have for dinner. Bingo is for people built like school bus drivers, but without the brilliant minds. -- K. Kill me when it's Bingo night. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 16:05:52 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You can't get gay blood, no matter how gay you are. > > At least not from the Red Cross. Did I just hear someone coming in late? > (Their logo, for some reason, is amazingly effective at > conjuring up the name of the organization.) An odd coincidence, as their logo was merely designed to keep Dracula from crossing the street. > I recommend the Home Blood Transplant Kit by Acme. > It has two needles, some rubber tubbing, and duct tape > (hamster not included). I'm sorry, but if I ever want to put my blood in a tub, it's not going to be a rubber tub. I need to keep my rubber tub full of potato salad for when Howard Cunningham comes to visit. > > All they can do is put regular blood in you to try to > > straighten you out. > > You'd think, after 82,590,372 failed experiments, they > would begin to reach the conclusion that it can't be done. Hey, they wouldn't have a cross in their logo if they didn't hate gay people. UH-OH! TOO FAR! What punishment do I get for saying politically- incorrect things about an entire organization devoted to telling me that my blood cells are inherently evil? -- K. If they were put in a straight guy's body, you could look through a microscope and see the cells giving each other makeovers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 20:30:02 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, they wouldn't have a cross in their logo if they didn't > > hate gay people. > > "Gay terrorist sabotages blood supply by repeatedly > donating blood. Bio-film at eleven..." I think Gilbert Shelton hit the nail on the head back in an old "Fat Freddy" comic book where the Commies plotted to destroy the American military by spiking our country's water supply with a drug that turns men gay. The drug was called "tee-hee". I bet that comic made people in the Pentagon shit bricks ("That rat Shelton is going to give the real Commies ideas for the most horrible thing that could ever happen!") It would be so cool if things worked like that. You could say, "I'm straight, but I'd like to find out why those gay people are always raving about how much more fun they have, so I'm going to take a Gay Pill tonight and then if I don't like it tomorrrow I'll buy a bottle of Gay-Away. I hope the drugstore has the liquid kind and not just the giant suppositories." > > UH-OH! TOO FAR! What punishment do I get for saying politically- > > incorrect things about an entire organization devoted to telling > > me that my blood cells are inherently evil? > > A scarlet star. Because in Soviet Russia, the Reds CROSS YOU! I'm pretty sure the entire Soviet government was gay. I mean, look at those gas masks they issued everyone -- Soviet gas masks were basically latex bondage hoods with no protective value. Then there were those big green felt coats with the wasp-waisted J. Peterman cut. And the soldiers' boots! Gay people really seem to like them, at least the ones who compliment me on my footwear. > P.S. Lenin was so gay Yeah, but look at Stalin's mustache. He's such a Village People wannabe that people call him "Stalin Powell". -- K. If Russians aren't all gay, then how come Russia is technically part of Europe? Europe is the gayest continent! It's the San Francisco of the world! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 21:55:57 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I couldn't do my favorite (bright orange) or anything else > > bright (such as gold or purple or the cyan I'd like to try) because > > I need to stick to dark colors as I can't bleach my hair again until > > I shave my head and let it grow out. > > I'm glad to see that you are (in a sense) taking care of your hair. Did > you learn how many times you could bleach it through experience? How else would I? My hair is not something you can look up in an encyclopedia. My hair is different and special and requires an empirical approach in order to determine its endurance limits. I take an Ivan Drago approach to hair care. I WILL BREAK MY HAIR. > And have you done green? I'd like to see green. Tell you what. If they _ask_ me to be in Boston's Drunken Jerk Parade next spring, I'll dye it green. Otherwise, NO. In Boston, green hair is a political statement, slightly less subtle than wearing a "TEDDY KENNEDY FOR PRESIDENT" t-shirt. > Although personally, I'd do mine blue in a heartbeat if I wasn't > so weird about my hair now. I don't know what you look like, but yeah, blue would be a big improvement. Tell you what, I might consider dyeing my hair green to march in your people's Keltic pride parade if you dye your hair with blue and black horizontal stripes to march in my people's parade. -- K. Oh, and I leave the forty-vol bleach in for an hour, even in my mustache, because I am tougher than any caustic chemical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My exciting new hair color Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 17:13:04 -0400 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I'm glad to see that you are (in a sense) taking care of your hair. > > > Did you learn how many times you could bleach it through experience? > > > > How else would I? My hair is not something you can look up in an > > encyclopedia. My hair is different and special and requires an > > empirical approach in order to determine its endurance limits. > > Well, perhaps your fun little bleach kits come with big lines of text > reading, "WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT REPEATEDLY ON YOUR SCALP LEST > YOU BURN THE FLESH FROM YOUR SKULL IN AN UNSIGHTLY MANNER." Or something. Most of the hair dye I've been buying these days says "For Professional Use Only" instead of having instructions and free plastic gloves and a tiny brush and so on. It's a lot cheaper to go to Sally Beauty Supply and buy the real stuff instead of getting an overpriced kit with lots of Cracker Jack prizes at the drugstore. And you wind up saving money by buying the stuff like gloves separately (they're better ones, too.) Even stuff like Manic Panic that you can get elsewhere is tremendously cheaper at Sally, with or without their discount card (Manic Panic is $10 from the manufacturer, $8 from the punk store, $6.50 from Sally with the discount card. Sally doesn't carry a lot of orange shades, but I know how to mix the yellow and red ones.) Next time I bleach, I'll probably be doing it using a jug of 40-vol developer from Sally Beauty Supply. I haven't bought any dye at the drugstore in ages (the product lines carried in drugstores like to pretend hair dye can look natural, so they just have ugly fake orange-brown colors and not the fluorescent orange I like) and I've used up the last of the "non-professional" bleach I'd been buying at Walgreen's. I need to get out of the habit of leaving the bleach in so long, it really doesn't help. Leaving the color in long, that's the important part. I'm still just learning how to do this right, but I think I've figured out that I'm supposed to first use bleach plus 40-vol developer for a short time, then color plus 30-vol for a longer time. The other thing I always do which is bad for my hair is to wash and rinse it in hot water, but that's because (a) I like hot water and (b) even if I didn't, all the water coming out of my apartment's faucets is hot enough to be the title of a Ray Bradbury novel. > > Oh, and I leave the forty-vol bleach in for an hour, even in > > my mustache, because I am tougher than any caustic chemical. > > Hey, colour your eyelashes and get back to me on how tough you are. > I've heard that that shit stings! Even if I wanted to go blind, I still wouldn't bleach my eyelashes. I like glossy black lashes. WINK! -- K. One great thing about my current maroon color: My bathroom sink looks like someone was murdered in it. Cool! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Sun, 04 Jul 2004 23:44:03 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [to someone or something] > > > > Hey furniture, > > > > How _dare_ you pop out of the Obvious Bag to contradict me, you > > disobedient furn-face. > > > > Just for that I'm going to get the belt-sander and strip your finish > > off until I can see your raw woodgrain. > > Oooh. Finally. Finally Kibo's talking my language. Finally? I've been speaking English all these years. Did you think you were Egyptian until you got hit on the head by a flowerpot yesterday? > Tell me more, baby. What grit you got in that belt-sander, hmmm? Oh, > yeah. What kind of grain we gonna see, huh? Yeah. That's real nice. Beg me. Beg me good, long, and hard. Then maybe I'll tell you eight new hobbies one can do with one of those paint-strippers that fits into your power drill and looks like a little metal disk with a bunch of wire dreadlocks dangling around the perimeter. And did I mention my spot welder draws 30 amps, no matter who touches it? -- K. Remember, in my workshop, only I get to wear the safety goggles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 00:14:54 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Tell me more, baby. What grit you got in that belt-sander, hmmm? Oh, > > > yeah. What kind of grain we gonna see, huh? Yeah. That's real nice. > > > > Beg me. Beg me good, long, and hard. > > What? The above paragraph _was_ my good, long and hard. That's it. I'm > not getting any younger, you know. I don't have time for a lot of BS. > > Also, I have that whole short-attention-span thing, so 5 sentences is > pretty much my limit. So now you're going to tell me, in five sentences, five reasons why I should tell you about my hot exciting belt sander action. And for every reason that's not sufficiently clever, you'll have to come up with twenty-nine replacements. Begin. > > Then maybe I'll tell you eight new hobbies one can do with one of those > > paint-strippers that fits into your power drill and looks like a little > > metal disk with a bunch of wire dreadlocks dangling around the perimeter. > > Well, I don't have one of those. You got anything for a reciprocating > carver? I just got one off of ebay. Lady, if you're trying to talk dirty, the word "eBay" is not appropriate. -- K. What's next, a product placement for Flooz.com? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 20:14:19 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Also, I have that whole short-attention-span thing, so 5 sentences > > > is pretty much my limit. > > > > So now you're going to tell me, in five sentences, five reasons why > > I should tell you about my hot exciting belt sander action. And for > > every reason that's not sufficiently clever, you'll have to come up > > with twenty-nine replacements. Begin. > > Um. Well, I did, and it was brilliant, but then my computer crashed > and lightening hit the Internet and Harlan ate my homework. But it was > freaking clever, oh yeah, you can take my word for it. That was two and a half sentences. So you still owe me two and a half more, plus the 72.5 replacements for the bad ones. > > [...] > > Lady, if you're trying to talk dirty, the word "eBay" is not appropriate. > > What's next, a product placement for Flooz.com? > > You know, that might be a good challenge: Who can write the best > alt.sex-stories product placement post? That's trivial, as long as I can choose the product. And do you know what those holes in White Castles are _really_ for? -- K. Or are you going to limit me to unerotic dot-coms? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 1,500 Ladybugs Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 23:46:57 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And do you know what those holes in White Castles are _really_ for? > > Breathing, of course. Be notified that you have achieved every Internet user's goal in life: You have invented a new perversion. Your "Full-Body White Castle Patty Mummification" kink is not just okay, it is delicious. Good thing they stick to anything so that you wouldn't need to use some of that awful pink ketchup as adhesive. Probably easier than bacon mummification, too, because the Hormel corporation still hasn't acted on my suggestion that they make bacon in fifty-yard spools. -- K. But why _five_ holes? Something about hockey? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My 4th of July Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 00:09:50 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > one of the hosts at the showing referred to "Rock 'N Roll High School" > > as "the best rock 'n roll film ever", which is clearly wrong, > > because that would be "200 Motels", Bob. > > I heartily endorse this endorsement and/or film! You're both wrong. The best rock 'n' roll film ever is "Yellow Submarine" and possibly "Tommy", "Flash Gordon", and/or "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". > I first saw 200 Motels at a midnight show in the 70's, with Yes and > Jimi Hendrix concert movies. This was in the days when better living > through chemistry was practiced prior to attending such events. That's stupid. It's so much easier to just pop the "Yellow Submarine" DVD in and then drink an ounce of your favorite extra-hot sauce to make all the colors brighter. Cheaper, too, when you consider that a bottle of hot sauce is 79 cents and I think marijuana is more like a zillion dollars a doobie now, not counting the special rolling papers you can only get by sending in Quisp box tops and waiting four to six weeks. > The best part was the audience participation. During the Yes show, some > gentleman (who's expanded conciousness over-rode his sense of decorum), > kept standing up, shouting suggestions about doing un-natural things with > the Yes film, and to "Bring on Hendrix!!!". At one particularly intense > laser sequence, the Hendrix fan stood up and announced "This is blowing > my mind!!!11!!!". After a collective giggle-a-thon from the rest of us, > he sat down and was not heard from again. Also "Head", "Barbarella", "South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut" and "Danger: Diabolik". Oh, and did I mention "The Apple"? I hope I didn't, because that movie wouldn't even be good if you were so stoned you thought you were even a tenth as gay as necessary to try to watch that disaster. I'm also not mentioning "Xanadu", "Can't Stop The Music", "Lisztomania", or Amazon.com's favorite, "Roller Bogie", starring Humphrey Bogart on wheels. (They eventually fixed that listing after I complained about it. The things I do just to make sure fans of crap can find the correct crap.) And anyone who likes "The Wall" should be forced to sit down and watch "Yellow Submarine" and "Tommy" until the quality starts seeping into their brain and they realize "The Wall" just isn't very good. > I remember coming away from this event thinking that 200 Motels was the > greatest movie ever made. Many years later I found it in the cult movie > section of my local video place, and with great anticipation for a repeat > of that great experience, I brought it home. > > While it was still very enjoyable, it was lacking that little something > that had made it so profound previously. > > My kids hate it when I make a find like that, because what was innovative > and edgie back when I was young is usually fairly tame, outside of the > cultural context of the times. I guess I'm beginning to fall victim to > OGS (Old Geezer Syndrum). Show your kids "The Blackboard Jungle" and the "Happy Days" re-run where Potsie sings "The Chambers Of The Heart" and tell the kids that's what life was like back when you were a kid and rock 'n' roll had just been invented by the scientists at NASA. Then they'll say "What's NASA?" and to get out of answering that hard question you should just pop in the DVD of "Can't Stop The Music" so that the kids will get distracted by other questions, like, "Who is Bruce Jenner and did they just put him in the movie to make the Village People seem straight?" If all else fails, let them watch "Head" so that you can tell them their favorite rock 'n' roll movies aren't as good because theirs don't contain any snuff. -- K. So when are they going to make the first movie with rap in it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My 4th of July Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 21:35:13 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You're both wrong. The best rock 'n' roll film ever is "Yellow > > Submarine" and possibly "Tommy", "Flash Gordon", and/or "The 5,000 > > Fingers Of Dr. T". > > oh, no no no. you stick to fonts, I'll talk about music. Talking about music is like mathematicizing about sex. So go type words about music all you want, because the simple obvious wrongness of that action will obscure how wrong you are to try to choose what to stick me to. I shall stick to what I want, when I want. And I shall staple you to what I want, when I want. > first, "Yellow Submarine" doesn't count because it's animated. Animated things count. "Sesame Street"'s psychedelic pinball machine was animated and it sure as hell counted, all the way up to TWELVE TWELVE TWELVE TWELLLL-ELLLLLVE, you innumerate Monkees fan. > it's the best rock animation spectacular ever, way better than that > "Heavy Metal" crap. also, it is possibly more bizarre than > "Fantastic Planet", although it would be even better if Ringo wore > pants with webbed toes. Movies are insufficiently bizarre for those of us with more advanced tastes in bizarrity. Movies are merely rectangles full of moving colors. Show me a movie which hoses down the audience with molten lava and then casts a spell that turns them into border collies that look like giraffes, and _that_ would be bizarre. > second, "Tommy" would almost count, except it's hard rock, not > rock'n'roll. Awwwww, "Tommy" is too hard for you. Let the baby have his squishy-soft rock! Tell you what, we'll take you to the dentist's office so you can listen to Kenny G and Luther Vandross and Chris Isaak in the waiting room until you outgrow your nutty desire to add rock softener to your laundry. > "200 Motels" is not entirely rock'n'roll, but it has a few > rock'n'roll songs in it. Yeah, so? "Star Trek: First Contact" has a few rock 'n' roll songs in it, _and_ the guy from "Babe" yelling "ROCK 'N' ROLL!", so it's even more of a rock 'n' roll movie than whatever that one you like is, but since "Star Trek" movies are as far from cool rock 'n' roll movies as you can get, you've just proved that your movie is the WORST ROCK 'N' ROLL MOVIE EVER. > "Tommy" just has Elton John singing about eating gumballs. They're called "teabags". > "Flash Gordon" is a movie about Flash Gordon, but with music added, as > opposed to a musical movie with cardboard cutouts of characters added. Now look here, I will stand for you not liking Elton John, but when you dis Freddie Mercury, you dis me (except with musical talent.) > "The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T" simply sucks, because that kid's singing > is so terrible. But it's more than made up for by the dungeon elevator operator's voice. > "Head"... hmmm. "Head" is better than what the Lovin' Spoonful did to > "Kagi No Kag", but it's kind of forgetable, although it makes a good > double feature with "200 Motels". If you find snuff films forgettable, then I can understand why you're so screwed up that you prefer a movie directed by Al Eisen ("and it lasts for FOUR MONTHS!") > and the other movies you mentioned suffer from the same problem as > "Tommy" in that they aren't rock'n'roll, but instead are: italian '60s > pop ("Barbarella"), straight musical ("South Park", "Danger: Diabolik"), *cough* *cough* "straight musical"? I'm sorry, but "Danger: Diabolik" ain't no musical, and even if it were, it couldn't be straight because all musicals are gay. Did you go back for fifths and sixths on popcorn during all the gay scenes in "South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut"? And during the title? > '80s pop ("Xanadu"), Ohhhh, so you only think stuff is rock if it's _un_popular music. I bet you can't tell Alan Freed and Jim Nayder apart. > and some kind of dumbass glamrock/ disco fusion ("The Apple"). Dude, you have to cut that one some slack because it was made by people who were so European that they didn't realize they were being completely gay. > so: "200 Motels" *is* the greatest rock'n'roll movie ever made, based > on the simple theory that I can reclassify any other genre you choose > to present. "Saturday Night Fever"? duh, it's disco. "Spinal Tapp"? > metal. > > "Love Me Tender"? ok, technically that's rock'n'roll, as are all Elvis > movies, but it's just no comparison to "200 Motels". Oh, and I counted. There were only 199 motels in that movie. Your favorite movie is FICTIONAL!!! And do you know who Al Eisen's son grew up to be? The guy who wrote the score for "Moulin Rouge", Paul Stanley -- who used to be in some gay rock band that appeared in the 1976 Paul Lynde Christmas special! I bet your second favorite movie is "Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park". -- K. So what do you think of "Vegas In Space"? And "The Phynx"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Local job ads Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 13:52:48 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > So I'm looking at sites everywhere in my continued > quest to find gainful,full-time employment. > Here's a sampling of what I'm seeing. > > ----------------- > wanted female models 20p/h > > 20 per/hour Looking for females .. to model for lifecasting .. must be 18 or > older.. confotable with body.... If intrested reply by e-mail w/ photo... > tony........ > ----------------- > > I am depressed. Why? 20 pence per hour might not seem like high pay, but bear in mind that once the guy covers you with the plaster, you'll be earning a steady income 24 hours a day for the rest of your life, or at least until he dies and leaves the "mannequin" to some crazy nephew in his will. I know how these stories always end. Happily, that's how. > Anyone ever work on an offshore rig as a cook before? So you're _not_ confotable with body? -- K. I think the oil rigs have microwave ovens and TV dinners these days. I did hear of one that got a Starbucks, but you wouldn't want to work at a Starbucks, even on an offshore oil rig. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 16:33:18 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > I recommend the Home Blood Transplant Kit by Acme. It has two > > needles, some rubber tubbing, and duct tape (hamster not included). > > The rubber tubbing must be to catch any excess spill-off. > I guess you can use the contents of the tubbing to make a > tasty sausage. Hamster sausage? Eww. Who are you, Trader Joe? Speaking of novelty snacks made from gay blood, anyone have any idea why they took "AYDS" diet candy off the market in the 1980s? An old issue of The Naming Newsletter commented on their branding: -> -> A few years back, the chairman of the parent company said, "Obviously, -> our product does not give anyone AIDS. But with a name like Ayds, -> we'll have to do some re-marketing. We are looking at all aspects -> of the problem, and that includes the name." I wonder if it was one of the "other aspects of the problem" that did them in. Anyway, I don't think you can pick up a case of AYDS at the drugstore any more. That was back when you could get Peanut Butter AYDS. (Probably wasn't worth it.) -- K. And what about the GAF Viewmaster? That's the one that should've come with the roll of duct tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 01:53:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, I don't think you can pick up a case of AYDS at the drugstore > > any more. That was back when you could get Peanut Butter AYDS. > > (Probably wasn't worth it.) > > In Austria, you could also get candy cigarettes called FAGS up until the > 1990's (a lot of people would love to have a pack now just for the > novelty value.) Here in the U.S., they do make special cigarettes just for gay men. They're called "cigars". > They are still for sale but they now call them "FADS" Wouldn't "FABS" have been more appropriate for them to maintain their image as queen of the gay children's cigarette market? In the U.S., there aren't any cigarettes just for gay children, but there are plenty of cereals just for gay kids. Ever looked closely at the Trix rabbit? To say nothing of the Quisp guy. -- K. I won't even mention Snap and Pop. (Crackle is straight, but he's also the only one of the three who's not real.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 14:29:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here in the U.S., they do make special cigarettes just for gay men. > > They're called "cigars". > > Criminy! I think my fingers are gay! Please don't tell my wife. Stop smoking your fingers! It's unhealthy because they don't have filter-tips. Get some implanted then you can light your fingers all you want. > > In the U.S., there aren't any cigarettes just for gay children, but > > there are plenty of cereals just for gay kids. Ever looked closely > > at the Trix rabbit? To say nothing of the Quisp guy. > > And Captain Crunch the randy sailor, and that even- > oTTo-with-borken-gaydar-can-tell-he's-gay leprechaun > for Lucky Charms... Dude, who broke your gaydar? Was it Frankenberry or King Vitaman? You know, I actually can't think of one cereal character who doesn't peg the needle of my gaydar. (They don't make Mr. T cereal any more.) -- K. Remember Fruit Brute? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay cereal-box characters (was: Gay blood transfusions) Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 16:46:07 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > You know, I actually can't think of one cereal character who doesn't > > > peg the needle of my gaydar. > > > > Unfortunately, Fred Flinstone, _and_ Wilma. Betty & Barney, sure; Pebbles, > > don't even ask; Bamm-Bamm, dur-HEY; Dino ... well, whatever gender it is, > > I'm _sure_ it's gay. But Fred & Wilma? Unreservedly quintessentially > > straighteroonie. > > How about Bruce Jenner on the Wheaties box? Dude, he was the gayest one in "Can't Stop The Music". In fact, I think he was the only gay one in "Can't Stop The Music", unless Steve Guttenberg is so dorky that he qualifies as honorary gay. Getting back to Fred Flintstone, there's something about a man in an animal-print sack dress eating "Fruity Pebbles" while yelling "Yabba-Dabba-Doo!" that puts him at least halfway up the Jenner scale. The real tragedy about gaydar is that it only works on cereal-box characters. I mean, they're all so blatant. If you want to find out whether an actual human is gay, you have to help him win the Olympics so he can be on a Wheaties box, and then you can look at the picture and know whether he was hitting on you. -- K. Why are you people suddenly so interested in gayness? Are you working up the courage to ask me if I'm gay? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay cereal-box characters (was: Gay blood transfusions) Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:20:21 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you working up the courage to ask me if I'm gay? > > Yo, Kibo! You be gay? I don't feel I need to answer, unless the extra information will improve your cocksucking technique. > (I ain't afraid of no Kibo.) Everyone's afraid of something, and whatever it is, I'll bring it along. -- K. Hey, I think this is the first time I've used the Lenny Bruce word here. I wish words still had shock value. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay cereal-box characters (was: Gay blood transfusions) Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 23:49:42 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > Yo, Kibo! You be gay? > > > > I don't feel I need to answer, unless the extra information will > > improve your cocksucking technique. > > I have the feeling that anything, and I mean anything, would improve > Kevin's cocksucking technique. You don't see the cocks lining up at his > doorway or anything. See, I have the feeling that anything _would_ improve his technique. But same difference. We can agree that he's lousy at it, we'll just disagree as to whether he can be salvaged. Only one way to find out. > In other news, I called the narc at work a "pussy" and told her to > "suck my dick". You go, girl! Of course, if she actually is a narc, you might want to read up on on what she might do to you when she cuffs you. To wit, from "L.A. Secret Police" by Rothmiller & Goldman, excerpted at www.TheMemoryHole.org: -> As a rookie, Rothmiller wondered at first why so many street -> toughs were willing to attack groups of cops when the odds -> were so clearly against them. -> -> Then he learned the secret. Early on he saw a fellow cop pat -> down a suspect. "Don't move!" the cop ordered: And then -> almost immediately the young black man jumped and took a -> swing at the cop. The guy was nuts, Rothmiller though, meat -> on a hook. And all the cops in range tenderized him. Then -> Rothmiller wondered if the cop had pulled something. He did, -> didn't he? -> -> "You got it, rookie," another cop explained. -> -> The frisker, Rothmiller learned, held a pin hidden in his -> Sam Brown belt. Right after he told the man not to move, the -> cop jabbed him. So the witnesses across the street had all -> seen the detained jump and swing wildly -- just moments after -> he was told, in no uncertain terms, not to move. -> -> Rothmiller learned to recognize this favorite psycho trick. -> The nutsos seemed to have their own pain network. Sometimes -> they just pinched the target in the scrotum or in the -> sensitive area under the armpits. Same result. Despite that "Sam Browne" is misspelled you should be on the lookout for the narc hiding a stabbing pin in her Sam Browne, or in her Buster Browns, or even her Brownie uniform's sash. No matter where it's hidden, she'll jab you with it just to make you go bugfuck so she can pacify you, because it's no fun for those people to pacify someone who's being peaceful. I'm not sure what "The nutsos seemed to have their own pain network" means, unless it's a reference to some cable channel I can't afford. > Will you people contribute to my PayPal account when I get fired? > 'K thanks. I don't think you can pay your bail with PayPal. It'll be another five years before all government services are absorbed into the PayPal/eBay pyramid scheme, except for FEMA which will go with Flooz. -- K. And if she has the real six-cell MagLite, don't come crying to me when she splits your skull all the way down to your crotch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay cereal-box characters (was: Gay blood transfusions) Date: Sun, 11 Jul 2004 03:24:53 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > In other news, I called the narc at work a "pussy" and told her to > > > "suck my dick". > > > > You go, girl! Of course, if she actually is a narc, you might want to > > read up on on what she might do to you when she cuffs you. > > The Kansas version of narc is not as interesting. Just some > knocked-up 20 year old who happens to be friends with someone high > enough up to make work rotten. More rotten than normal, I guess. I'm sure _real_ Kansas narcs are quite interesting. After all, Kansas is where that sheriff let the schoolkid play with his handcuffs and wound up trying to cut the kid out of them with the plasma torch. ("And now, we'll find out what has the lower melting point, steel or farm boy.") I can imagine that your local narcotics squad is just as exciting (they probably think pickle relish is crack and vice versa) not to mention your SWAT teams probably make their own armor out of old egg cartons. Cool! > > I don't think you can pay your bail with PayPal. It'll be another > > five years before all government services are absorbed into the > > PayPal/eBay pyramid scheme, except for FEMA which will go with Flooz. > > This is especially funny to me, since I work in insurance. I'll let > the rest of you people mull that one over for a while. So what's the Kansas version of an insurance salesman? Do the policies replace bales of hay that accidentally get eaten? Or do they just cover having your hands burned off by idiot sheriffs? > Also, I got bail covered. Having been arrested before, I know what I > need to do for bail. Bail's not that big of a deal. So you can get out of jail by giving them one of those big blocks of hay? And if you try paying with PayPal, they say "That ain't hay, ma'am!"? -- K. I should mail you a handcuff key so you can show up the cops by being the only person in the whole state who has one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay blood transfusions (was: My exciting new hair color) Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 00:17:54 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, who broke your gaydar? Was it Frankenberry or King Vitaman? > > I'm pretty sure I was born this way. You weren't born without gaydar! You're going to hay-ell because you chose to not have gaydar! Either that or your parents didn't make you drink enough Tab! > At my second Duke women's basketball game, I commented to my > wife how many pairs of women were in the stands. > "Like duh," she said, "They're all lesbians." I was like, "Oh..." Then your wife told you _her_ secret. > Two guys helped me when my car broke down in the > middle of the night in California. I thought they were > just two friendly California type guys, until when they > went to leave after my profuse thanks, I got a "nice" > pat on the butt. (I *can* detect flaming gays, such as > the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and guys wearing "Tight butts > drive me nuts" caps.) They weren't gay. They were just other straight guys who chose to be born without gaydar. They just patted you because they thought you were gay. To avoid future misunderstandings, everyone should wear nametags with a little cartoon clown indicating their sexual orientation in a clear and distinct yet pleasantly amusing manner. Maybe something with seltzer. > > You know, I actually can't think of one cereal character who doesn't > > peg the needle of my gaydar. > > Tony the Tiger? Dude, last time I saw him the Pink Panther and Snagglepuss were offering to make him a sandwich. -- K. And they had a _big_ jar of mayo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey kids? What time is it? It's lutefisk time! Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:05:07 -0400 From www.aftenposten.no, a series of photo captions illustrating happy Norwegians eating icky lutefisk. If you'd like to follow along, you can see these thirteen photos of lutefisk at http://www.aftenposten.no/english/bildeserier/article419747.ece?start=1 or you could just close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum along with my comments while assuming all the photos show pictures of white blobs, much like ennucleate amoebae. -> Lutefisk time! -> -> Image 1 of 13 -> -> Lutefisk is served! Although the wobbly fish is traditionally the -> center of Christmastime feasts, the season is getting longer as -> the dish enjoys greater popularity. Greater popularity than what? Motor oil mixed with vomit? Having your entire body peeled with a Dr. Scholl's corn slicer? The next season of "Star Trek: Enterprise"? -> Image 2 of 13 -> -> Stockfish in water and lye undergoing that strange transformation -> to lutefisk. When the days get shorter, thoughts turn to festive -> and crowded lutefisk dinners. ---------------------- | Recipe for Lutefisk \________________ | | | Ingredients: | | | | * dead fish | | * drain cleaner | | | | Mix ingredients. Then wait for a | | strange transformation. | | | | Substitute lead for fish and you | | can also use this recipe to make gold.| +---------------------------------------+ -> Image 3 of 13 -> -> In Minnesota, the tiny Day Fish Co. manages to sell 50 tons of -> lutefisk from October to January. Only until January? Then shouldn't the word "sell" be "rent" if it's all going to be returned in February? -> Image 4 of 13 -> -> At Det Gamle Raadhus (The Old City Hall) restaurant lutefisk is -> a speciality for seasonal festive gatherings like the Julebord -> (Christmas table). Now you have to book in the autumn and be happy -> to get a spot. Waiter Viggo Bj¿rge carries out lutefisk with -> traditional accompaniments potatoes, bacon and stewed peas. "I'm sorry, you can't have a spot because you're not happy enough. You can only be fed lutefisk if you're happy, because the point of lutefisk is to ruin your day." -> Image 5 of 13 -> -> When lutefisk season sets in, restaurants can barely cope -> with demand. Here Det Gamle Raadhus' owner Arne Sunde pitches -> in by peeling a pile of potatoes. I've never even been near lutefisk, and still I can't cope with demand. I will go insane if I try to accept the fact that, somewhere in the world, there are people _demanding_ lutefisk. -> Image 6 of 13 -> -> The kitchen is a hive of frenzied activity as dozens of guests -> eat their way through several servings. What's grosser than a huge pile of lutefisk? The guests on their bottom eating their way through it! -> Image 7 of 13 -> -> A tray of lutefisk about to make a hurried trip from oven to plate. Either that or it's a tray of used Kleenex soaked in Vaseline. -> Image 8 of 13 -> -> A more modern presentation. One of the attractions of the -> lutefisk feast is that even if the wobbly main attraction -> frightens you, there are piles of trimmings to tempt. Oh, how pretty! A plate with a bunch of lutefisk next to three carrot slices! So that means that even if I think lutefisk is gross, I can still have a complete meal of a tenth of a carrot! -> Image 9 of 13 -> -> The most traditional lutefisk presentation: with unpeeled -> potatoes, bacon, stewed peas, and mustard sauce -- and with beer -> and aquavit to keep things moving. SkŒl! This is the traditional way of doing it? That means that Arne Sunde in image 5 is a traitor! Hardly Norwegian at all! He must be from one of those other countries where people peel their potatoes! Also, where's the lefse? -> Image 10 of 13 -> -> Ertestuing -- a kind of pea porridge. "Ertestuing". I'll have to remember that word if I ever have to dub "Baby Geniuses" into Norwegian, 'cause it resembles a certain type of gravy. -> Image 11 of 13 -> -> Some prefer a sweeter touch to their lutefisk. Possible -> accompaniments for them are seen here -- From left to right: -> cowberries, sweet soya sauce (a newfangled idea), Norway's -> characteristic salty-sweet brown goat's cheese, and molasses. Cowberries are also known as dinglepies. -> Image 12 of 13 -> -> The sign of a lutefisk lover. It's a picture of a guy wearing one of those neckties that looks like a dead fish. I think the caption is trying to tell us that if you eat lutefisk you will become an idiot. Soon you'll be hiding whoopee cushions everywhere and squirting people with a plastic flower and/or attacking them with wind-up chattering teeth. -> Image 13 of 13 -> -> A scene for the aficionado -- lutefisk enthusiasts Jan-KŒre ¯yen -> and Tom Johansen at the Lutefisk Museum in Dr¿bak. The Lutefisk... Museum? A museum... of lutefisk? I think I'd rather go to the Museum Of That Brown Crust That Grows Around The Mouths Of Restaurant Ketchup Bottles, or possibly The Museum Of The Middle Layer Of Yoo-Hoo Sediment, or even The Museum Of Flying Turds. -- K. (It's like visiting the monkey house, except the monkeys have been replaced by a tennis pitching machine operated by Ninja Robert DeNiro.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I win! Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:33:42 -0400 Once upon a time, many years ago, in a Chinese restaurant where I'd tried most of the items on the menu, out of curiosity I decided to order the chow mein. The waitress informed me that I should order something else because it was "just for Americans." (Minutes later, I heard people at another table ordering chow mein and being allowed to have it.) So, I've been an honorary Chinese person for the past many years. Today I also became part Indian. I was in one of my favorite Indian grocery stores and I was in the mood for some snacks, so I picked out a bag of sugar-crusted fried noodles in rainbow colors. The woman came out from behind the counter and took the bag out of my hand, explaining that I didn't want the noodles because they were stale ("old stock") and then she put it back on the shelf for a real American customer and asked me what I wanted. I asked for something sweet and she assisted me, and then I asked for something spicy and she found me a bag of brick-colored noodles with several whole six-inch-long chilies mixed in. I've got to go to that store more often. -- K. (And since I was allowed to buy the sugared noodles _last_ week when I was buying snacks to keep in my office, when I get to work tomorrow I can find out what's horribly wrong with the candied noodles.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: By Tom Mashberg. The president of the Boston Public Library is ready to declare his independence... Date: Tue, 06 Jul 2004 23:44:22 -0400 In soc.libraries.talk, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.censorship, Tim May (timcmay@removethis.got.net) wrote: > > There's plenty of room at Gitmo for those who refuse to spy on their > neighbors. What does this have to do with the Boston Public Library's vast conspiracy to cover up the fact that they have all of Don Saklad's friends locked up in the Rare Book Room in orange jumpsuits with bags over their heads? > Surveillance is security. I know. I saw you mumbling that in your sleep. -- K. So, what size bag do you wear? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Here comes a meme: ID RECORDED! Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2004 01:47:27 -0400 So I went over to Sally Beauty Supply today to pick up the aforementioned hair-destroying products, and because my office is on that block I stopped in there even though it wasn't a work day, just so I could see if any interesting packages had arrived for me, but instead there was a book- sized envelope from Australia. It claimed to be from one Tim Chimilimilamilewinski or some other such made-up name which may or may not be an anagram of "Kiwi Elm Chemist", indicating the package may not have actually been from Australia but rather New Zealand, or one of the many other Zealands. But then I saw a huge fluorescent orange sticker that said "ID RECORDED", and I knew this package would be safe to open because the sticker meant that either a) The package's sender had his I.D. recorded by The Package Police. or b) The Krell recorded their monsters from the id in the format of books which were then lost for a thousand billion years until a postal worker delivered one to Earth so that I could prepare to experience a new scale of physical scientific values and abandon all physical instrumentality and also meet Leslie Nielsen. I opened the package from Tim C and inside was a book whose cover said "THE GRAVITY STEALERS". More horrifyingly, "WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY THE BOYS AND GIRLS OF AUSTRALIA". The rest of the cover was taken up by a drawing of the Moon, except that whatever part of the Moon is the lunar equivalent of Australia was extra-large. The inside-front-cover blurb informs me I am holding "A book written about children, by children, for children... This would seem to be a pretty good recipe for success," although they forgot to underline "seem". The book was created by the kids from the Australian Broadcasting Commission's Argonauts' Club, whatever sort of sinister secret society that might be. The bottom of the blurb says "22/6" in large digits, which I guess means that the original price was twenty-two shillings and sixpence in that old system Australia used back when it was still part of the British penal system. Inside the book is an inscription in really weird handwriting, "Christmas 1965, To Lois, from Daddy." At least, I think that's what it says, because the "C" looks more like a "b" than a "C" and the crossbar of the "t" is a diagonal line above the "a". Oh, and the "D" is a greek capital delta. Basically, it looks like this: / / b husliuas 196j Jo hois frau_ /\aaay. (pretend "/\" is an equilateral triangle) Is this typical of Australian handwriting from the 1960s? Also, is this book typical of Australian book publishing of the 1960s? Then there's a legal page which declares the book is REGISTERED IN AUSTRALIA FOR TRANSMISSION THROUGH THE POST AS A BOOK ...good thing, too, otherwise Tim C would have had to mail me the pages individually with cutesy hearts drawn over all the "i"s to make it count as love letters instead of a book. Next is a foreword by the chairman of the Australian Broadcasting Commission, one Talbot S. Duckmanton, who admits the idea for the book came from something the Norwegian National Broadcasting Service did "in the Norwegian language in Scandinavia." After that is a school yearbook-style section where little mugshots of teens and pre-teens are shown with descriptions of their hobbies and, creepily, their secret Argonaut's Club Greek mythology names and ship numbers. Thus we can find out that sixteen-year-old Annette Kugel not only has dorky Sixties eyeglasses, but also she likes "travel, photography, water sports" (wink, wink, wink) as well as "stamp collecting" (no wink) and her code designation is "Tiberinus 38". Other contributors to this book include Ampycus 47, Myonessus 37, D.T. Pamphylia 2, G.F. & B. Sybaris 24, and Phanes 4. I have no idea what's going on but I assume that to get a name like "G.F. & B. Sybaris 24" either you have to be blindfolded and paddled, or else know Kurt Vonnegut personally. Then the story begins. I will quote a few phrases out of context because nobody likes context. "The control stimulator gave a sharp tingle..." "...Humanic, the international language invented after the Millennium Pact." "'I shall not come,' he told the man at last." "'Now, if I'd done something sensational, like stealing the Crown Jewels or blowing up Art 3, then everyone would be impressed!'" "One of the officers came bounding down the bedroom ramp..." "'...nowadays, the only flags you ever see are the Triple Cross of the Democrats, the Hammer and Sickle of the Communists, and the Human Outline of the Anarchists.'" "Peter handed him the magazine, open at a page headed 'Secret Societies -- Diehards of the Twentieth Century'." "'We shall triumph over you flabby men.'" Anyway, the world gets saved from those backwards Democrats (who refuse to participate in the World Government) and the sinister Company of Newmen, once the Moon wobble is halted, thanks to the bad guys' failure to give the X-62 a protective capsule of gravulum. This book smells funny. -- K. I'm glad I didn't have to read it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Here comes a meme: ID RECORDED! Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 00:10:03 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Inside the book is an inscription in really weird handwriting, > > "Christmas 1965, To Lois, from Daddy." > > I read this whole post but kept wondering: Are any of the kids who > contributed to the book "Lois"? None of the kids who contributed to the book is named "Lois", although they're all white enough to be. In fact, many of them are too white to even be a "Lois". > Or did some parent really think their little Lois would enjoy the book? I suspect the Australian Broadcasting Communism people simply brainwashed all the kids in Australia into begging their daddies for copies of the book under penalty of being kicked out of the Sissy Aussie Argonauts' Club. > Probably made her watch "Lidsville", too, the bastard. That's the one advantage any child would have if Charles Nelson Reilly was their father -- they'd be forbidden to watch or even mention "Lidsville". -- K. And they'd be given better children's books, like "Daddy Has Two Hair Colors". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What I did today. Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 01:09:27 -0400 Today Penn Jillette pretended he was happy to meet me when I shook his hand. He may have actually been happy to see me, since probably about 500 of the other hand-shakers at his book signing began their conversations with, "Where's Teller?" and I made the difficult choice not to try to annoy him by doing that. But I think his mind was busy triangulating on possible sources of two-pound steaks in the area. It had clearly been a long day for him. Penn is slightly taller than me. Also he has slightly nicer hair and is slightly more famous. -- K. Then I faxed in my order for some more acupuncture supplies, in the hope that I may someday be useful if I'm ever in a crowded theater when someone shouts "Is there a quack in the house?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's License Plate Contest Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 16:52:11 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > If Kibo had a license plate, tell what you think it would be. KIBO, you nitwit. > The entry cannot exceed 8 characters. Then just KIBO, leave off the part about how big a nitwit you are. > The winner receives 50 points. And you're going to receive one point fifty times. If the folks at the gym ask what happened to your back, just say it was an allergy test. > If Kibo drove, I think that he would drive a Saturn. Wrong, unless you mean a whole planet. -- K. FURNITURE CAN TOO BE A NITWIT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's License Plate Contest Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 23:08:50 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > If Kibo drove, I think that he would drive a Saturn. > > You know those large fiberglass bullcows outside of Sirloin Stockade > restaurants? I've never heard of that chain, but we have a couple Hilltop Steakhouses here (one of which is even halfway up a hill, although it's the other one that has the fiberglas bulls on its cedar-chip lawn.) I think every city has some sort of restaurant along that stereotype. I ate at the Hilltop with the fiberglas bulls once, but did not come close to breaking Tony Randall's record. I can only handle about a pound of meat before I explode. > What if one of those was real? And red? With horns and > steam escaping its nostrils? And was really really mean? > And moogrowled a lot? > Kibo would ride one of those. With a license plate stapled > to the bullcow's ass that read "FUCK 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM". You're sick. I'd never ruin a piece of potential leather by sticking staples into it. I bet you're one of those sickos who doesn't even eat beef, whether it's from a bullcow or cowbull. -- K. And I wouldn't ride a Red Bull, I'd ride a Gatorade. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Saklads escape Boston Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 16:59:50 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > MarkEdwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > In the credits for Spiderman 2, there was a Steve Saklad listed under > > the special effects listings. > > Were you looking for something? How can you read the credits of a > feature film like that? See, with some of us, when there is reading material in front of us, we actually read it. Because some of us read the stuff that we see, whereas some of you don't even see the stuff that you see. > It is like reading an encyclopedia from start to finish. As if you'd know. > Maybe you enjoy wasting time. Get back in your corner for the next twenty-four hours. I don't need the hassock today. -- K. Steve Saklad's obsession isn't with the Boston Public Library, it's with whatever library has the most "Spider-Man" comic books. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: See ya! Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:02:18 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I'm off soon to catch a plane,so goodbye! > I won't be taking the Italian Olive Salad > because it started leaking before I even > got the suitcase packed. This has been another episode of TALES!!! OF!!! TOLD!!! YOU!!! SO!!! > I blame Kibo. I knew you would. "Groundhog Day" is on my TV right now. Is it just me, or does it seem like this movie is on cable every day? -- K. We should hook Brian Doyle-Murray up with that guy who likes to talk about phlegm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Rules Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 17:04:46 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Come on, guys. I actually spent some time on this. The least you > could do is make some qualitative comments. You spent X too long on it, where X is all the time you spent. Solve for X, then we'll tell you whether you're wrong. -- K. The question is whether we would use the verb "ser" or "estar". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: randy crimes committed by perverts hopped up on lutefisk Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 20:40:56 -0400 [via www.ananova.com] -> -> Sex shop burglars take just XXL sizes -> -> Burglars took only XXL sizes after raiding a shop selling sex toys -> and kinky underwear in Norway. If the pervert shops over there in Lutefiskland are anything like my local ones, they're probably always sold out of all sizes except XXL. -> The thieves did not even try to open the cash till at the store -> in Bergen. Well, duh! That's because the cash drawer was undoubtedly empty. Buying crotchless latex panties with cash is no fun. Part of the thrill is telling the credit card company and your bank and all the telemarketers in the world what you like to buy at the perv shop. People who want confidentiality can't just pay cash, because it's impossible to fish a wad of bills out of the pockets of your tight leather jeans once you've gotten lube all over your fingers from touching the merchandise. To protect your confidentiality, you have to use American Express Traveller's checks. -> They broke in through the door and emptied all the XXL shelves. Just the XXL clothing, or also the XXL butt plugs? (You know, the ones shaped like the "Black Power" salute.) -> Daily newspaper Bergens Tidende has told its readers: "If you see -> a lady in sexy underwear, but too big for her, you might be on the -> track of something." Check whether she's attempting to use an ice-cube tray as a keyboard, or is chasing a clawed beach ball up and down an elevator shaft which looks suspiciously like a corridor filmed sideways. If so, the reason her underwear is too lose is just that she's not the real Lt. Pinback. -- K. Worst Internet porn story ripped off from Bradbury's "Kaleidoscope" ever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: fruit that fizzes -- whoever asked for this horror deserves it Date: Fri, 09 Jul 2004 15:43:02 -0400 [from abclocal.go.com] -> -> Researchers Ponder Carbonated Fruit -> -> (Portland, Oregon-AP) -- Are you ready for fizzy fruit? -> Oregon State University researchers are working on -> carbonated apples, pears and other juicy treats. -> -> Texas neurobiologist Galen Kaufman discovered fizzy fruit by -> accident. This raises the question, which would you rather have, a snack food developed by a neurobiologist, or a lobotomy performed by Dr. Pepper? Hmm, I hope that Mr. Kaufman and Dr. Pepper don't team up, they could start carbonating people's brains. -> He was on a sailing trip and bit into a pear that -> had been chilled with dry ice. The fruit had absorbed the -> C-Oh-2 and had a fizz like soda pop. And then his lips shattered. So basically, if you freeze your fruit -- let's say a banana -- it'll be fizzy but still just as good as any other banana which has been frozen and then thawed? Let me guess, they're also going to do this with tomatoes and whole eggs? Would you buy anything from a neurobiologist who doesn't know not to freeze his fruit? -> Now Kaufman is working with O-S-U professor John Henry -> Wells. They hope to find a way to carbonate fruit on a -> commercial scale. The researchers say fizzy fruit should be -> a big hit with kids and their parents. Why? Are parents running out of ways to make kids belch? -> Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved But I soaked your article in carbon dioxide and now it's carbonated, which changed it into a completely different article a million times better. This new article, which I invented by accident, should be a big hit with kids, their parents, and all sorts of other idiots. I'll be rich! -- K. I just know the fruit they're going to do this to the most will be cranberries, because they're always trying weird new ways to trick people into buying those awful little things. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: cranberries (was: fruit that fizzes) Date: Mon, 12 Jul 2004 12:26:45 -0400 [regarding cranberries, an icky fruit that the entire economy of Massachusetts depends on] James Vandenberg (james@bocton.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > In Austria they try to sell them with a cartoon that has the tagline: > > "Where's the cranny, Granny?" > > That is wrong on So Many Levels. It's like on an Elevator of Wrong. The whole cartoon is probably something involving not just Granny's cranny but a crook who has a nook. Also a man with tan van and a golden "AN". They travel around solving crimes caused by people impersonating ghosts, and along the way we learn about preventing bladder infections. Now, as far as the Elevator of Wrong goes, I think that was in "The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T", but I don't recall there being any cranberries in the wacky child-hating pedophile's dungeon. That film is like "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" only weird. -- K. Here the dominant brand of cranberries is "Ocean Spray", because cranberries are grown in salt water -- they're actually a form of seaweed. If you don't believe me, taste bladderwort. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Sat, 10 Jul 2004 00:51:30 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on not having a pooper] > > > > I'm sure there's surgery you can get to correct that. In fact > > you should get it before yoy explode, because I don't know how > > you survived for so long without one of those. Most people poop. > > The nice thing about a.r.k is that you can always find a thread that > is relevant enough to hijack for your own purposes. I LIKE MITTENS I LIKE MITTENS I LIKE MITTENS I'm sorry, you were saying? > When Kibo posted this (last Friday) I was lying in a hospital bed > awaiting emergency surgery for some kind of obstruction/perforation > in my small intestine. HELLO, JAR JAR! DO YOU LIKE MITTENS TOO? > This is a week after being in the emergency room from nausea-related > dehydration. I've only had this Crohn's disease thing for about > seven months, but it's FUKKEN ENOUGH ALREADY! The surgeons took out > about 16 inches (don't worry ladies, I've got plenty more) and > hopefully they got all the bad stuff. Did you get to take your small intestines home in a jar? Or did the surgeons mail them off to the Beanee Weenee factory without asking you? In either case, I'd like to hijack this thread by pointing out that today I bought something that looks a lot the Intestinator from "Fortress". Actually, two of them, because they're sold in pairs because they're magnetic for extra healing power while they tear your insides up if you swallow them. They're from Korea and the package included a map of the erogenous zones of the Korean hand, or something. I'm not sure because I can't read the instructions on most of the stuff I've been buying from these acupuncture supply companies. So, who wants to help me find out what these do? > They had to keep me at the hospital for five days to make sure that > they'd hooked everything back up correctly. That was so much boring > that I can't even write an interesting sentence about how boring it > was. Not to mention the (unsurprising) discovery that I don't react > well to five days of not having the option of being LEFT ALONE. I did > get lots of CARE pack