From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to untangle a curly telephone receiver cord. Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 17:36:05 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > What is the trick to untangling a curly cord from the telephone > receiver to the base?... > > There is a particular movement that does untangles when a telephone > receiver cord gets curled in upon itself. You could try numbering each of the loops using the Dewey Decimal System, Don, but maybe you should just look at the way the little plugs on each end of that cord can be easily unplugged. Then you'll say "DUH! That's the easy way!" instead of "DUH! I don't know why I'm following Kibo's stupid suggestion about the Dewey Decimal System! Kibo is a nincompoop!" because I don't want to be a nincompoop. Wait, your phone still has a cord? How are you going to sit at the cool table if you don't have a credit-card-sized satellite phone just like everyone else in the world? What are you, some sort of twentieth-century nincompoop? The twentieth century ended almost a year ago! -- K. The instructions I gave above also work for converting your corded phone into a cordless one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How Not To Do Acupuncture: Lesson One. Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 18:05:31 -0400 As I'm sure you know, I've been teaching myself acupuncture. It's one of the most difficult forms of quack medicine to learn because you have to know two things: (ONE) how to stick the needles in, and (TWO) how to pull them out. Here's a story about someone who was still learning. [from news.yahoo.com] -> -> Waiting on Pins and Needles -- Literally -> -> Thu Jul 15, 9:31 AM ET -> -> BERLIN (Reuters) -- A German acupuncture patient was left pierced -> with needles in a clinic after a therapist forgot about her, -> locked up his practice and went home, police in Hanover said on -> Thursday. The 41-year-old woman from the north German town had -> booked an afternoon session of the ancient Chinese therapy which -> involves inserting needles into the skin and is believed to -> prevent disease and relieve pain. And to bring great wealth to the practitioner, especially once you start getting weekly treatments. -> The doctor left her in the treatment room for what she assumed -> would be a short while, especially since she still had needles -> embedded in her body. -> -> After 90 minutes the woman began to shout for attention. Getting -> no response, she realized she was alone and trapped in the -> building. She alerted police by phone and was later set free when -> the doctor returned. I'd think she could have just ripped the door off its hinges after gaining super powers from having the magykal healing needles left in so long. Unless she was distracted by trying to figure out why she ever decided to go to an acupuncturist who liked putting patients in rooms that don't have doors that can be opened from the inside. Did she at least check that the sign outside his office didn't have a space after the "E" in "THERAPIST"? (I apologize for using a Benny Hill joke in an article on the serious discipline of acupuncture.) One acupuncture textbook I read emphasized that you should always count the needles when putting them in, so that you won't forget to take one out. I also think another good method of making sure they were all out would be to just look at the patient. (If you can't see them, you're pushing them in too far.) -- K. Could be worse, he could have left her alone with several pounds of moxa burning on her. ////////// RE-RUN BEGINS ///////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Interdisciplinary pain. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2001 21:30:33 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > "I always think pain should be treated by an interdisciplinary > approach." > -- some bozo on my TV just now That's right! Modern, grown-up pain requires a combination of pharmaceuticals, nutraceuticals, Nutrageous, Eckankar, wishful thinking, willful ignorance, Sonnabend's Cone Of Obliscence, a ground-up mummy's hand, a victory garden, a side-by-side viewing of "American Graffiti" and "Happy Days", accupressure, acupuncture, acurupture, AccuWeather, ITC Aki Lines, LeVar Burton's magic eyeglasses, edible underwear, wearable Underwood deviled ham, hammy devils, several newly-discovered tab stops, aromatherapy, aromapunishment, Ritalin, a sauna suit, canned chili, chunky peanut butter, runny peanut butter, buttery peanut butter, invisible apricots, Rolfing, Putt-Putt brand Mini-Rolfing, EST, Synanon, synaesthesia, SimCity, "Tubular Bells", Morgo the Friendly Drelb, Janitor In A Drum, Janitor In Two Drums, an iBook, an eVilla, and an oRangutan, Space Food Sticks, Kellogg's Pep pills, Anusol, Vagisil, tiger's milk, Pooh's honey, pixie dust, cardboard, lemon zest, Oil of Olay, "PokŽrap", ear candles, eye candles, butt candles, chiropractory via tractor beams, a sock full of Rice Krispies, a Banana Hanger, a BaconWave, a Salad Shooter, Deal-A-Meal, AA, AAA, a blindfolded surgeon with a cardiac needle, ten waltzing mice in a Polytron, every photo ever posted to "Yahoo! Clubs", no WebTV, internal Rollerblades, three kinds of placebo, and elastric truds. -- K. I almost forgot: Also you have to put Buster Brown's dog back in your shoe. /////////// RE-RUN ENDS /////////////////////////////////////////////////// (I should add that since I posted that, "Yahoo! Clubs" has become "Yahoo! Groups" but still has all the free porn on the Internet, and I still don't know what's in Oil of Olay.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Red red red red red red red. Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:05:12 -0400 The backstory: Red ribbons symbolize the fight against AIDS. In Zimbabwe (as in most of Africa) there is an AIDS epidemic even worse (by a zillion times) than here, so red ribbons are a common sight there. Also in Zimbabwe, people have been waving red cards to symbolize that they want President Mugabe out. As a result, he has allegedly banned the color red from state-run television. But people haven't been writing about how banning a color is simply idiotic (and indicates why this crazy guy should be ousted from office immediately), oddly, they're more focused on how they're not allowed to wear their AIDS ribbons on TV any more. It turns out that all discussion of this comes from one South African newspaper (by an expatriate Zimbabwean reporter in South Africa) who allegedly made up this bizarre imaginary scandal in order to discredit Zimbabwe during an international conference on AIDS, or something. It's very hard to figure out what's made-up and what isn't, because real Zimbabwean news isn't easy to come by (it's not one of those dictatorships with lots of freedom of the press on the Internet) and the only newspaper writing about it -- the one in South Africa -- won't let me read most of their articles without paying a subscription. Some other papers have claimed the Zimbabwean government denies that the color red has been banned from TV, but I don't know who to believe because President Mugabe is so crazy that I can imagine him banning red and then his government telling foreign reporters that never happened. I imagine it's most likely untrue, but still, it's an interestingly nutty (and somewhat plausible) idea. Here are the summaries of two articles from the South African newspaper: [from www.capetimes.co.za] -> -> Mugabe refuses to see red -- bans Aids ribbon on state television -> Basildon Peta 13 July, 2004 South Africa -> -> Johannesburg: President Robert Mugabe's government has now banned -> the colour red (and thus the Aids ribbon) on state television -> because it is the symbol of the opposition Movement for -> Democratic Change (MDC). -> -> Seeing red -> 14 July, 2004 Opinion -> -> If it were not so tragic, the news out of Zimbabwe this week -> might be amusing. In a scarcely believable development, President -> Robert Mugabe's government has reportedly banned the colour red -> on state television. And then there was the announcement that -> ox-drawn ambulances are to be used in rural areas. The ox-drawn ambulances appear to be real. Zimbabwe's government has flamed Basildon Peta's story: [from allafrica.com] => => Cde Charamba said the ox-drawn ambulance, which he described as => Peta's second fib, is a joint Unicef-Ministry of Health and Child => Welfare experimental initiative on innovative rural health => service delivery based on local community support and appropriate => tractive resource. => => "Anyone familiar with programmes on rural development would => readily recognise this initiative as having numerous equivalents => in many Third World countries. Indeed, Zimbabwe has relied on => such a thrust for rural libraries. But, of course, not so for the => unread, unconscious Basildon Peta," he said. It's always fun to watch a police state (where people's titles are "Cde" -- "Comrade") get livid when it realizes other people might be using propaganda too. There's something amusing about someone who flees a totalitarian state and then takes out his aggressions by making up such a creative "news" story. Nobody wants to hear about genocide in Zimbabwe, but a report about wacky television color palettes, that gets media coverage. (Zimbabwe is a really crazy country. I mean, until he died, "Hitler" Hunzvi was "Hitler" Mugabe's right-hand man. Yes, their government had multiple people claiming to be Hitler. Mugabe's most famous quote is "Let me be a Hitler tenfold.") Okay, now as to why I brought up the subject. The news of the ban on red, imaginary though it may be, led to this satire I thought you'd enjoy: [also from www.capetimes.co.za] -> -> Zimbabwe's colour TV may also ban pink, purple, white and green -> -> July 14, 2004 -> By John Scott -> -> "Red is just the start," said Solly Solinga, spokesperson for -> Zimbabwean Television, when I phoned him about the decision to -> ban that colour from the country's TV screens because it -> symbolised the opposition Movement for Democratic Change party. -> "We have other colours in mind, too." -> -> "But there is red in so many things," I argued. "You can't simply -> ban it out of the spectrum." -> -> "We can do what we like with the spectrum, whatever that is," -> said Solly. "We are not bound by Western concepts. Besides, red -> also signifies other hateful things to our revered president. It -> is the colour of London buses, so beloved by our former colonial -> oppressors. There is also the red herring of human rights abuses, -> when everyone knows our people have never been happier. Worst of -> all is when our enemies claim our national finances are in the -> red, so envious are they of our favourite colour, black." -> -> "What about red carpets?" I asked. -> -> "The president is prepared to make an exception in the case of -> red carpets, so long as they are for him," said Solly. "Pink is -> also banned. It reminds the president of homosexuals." -> -> "You mentioned other colours," I reminded Solly. -> -> "Purple is out," he said. "It's the colour of archbishops. Yours -> were bad enough, but now our own Pius Ncube is going round -> treacherously calling for sanctions against Zimbabwe with the -> false allegation that the rule of law is being violated. Believe -> me, anyone who pitches up on TV in purple won't be seen again." -> -> "But the rest of the spectrum is okay, is it? I mean the colours -> in it." -> -> "Is white in this spectrum of yours?" asked Solly. "Because if it -> is, we are probably going to remove it from our TV programmes, too. -> -> "It is the colour of racism. No one with a white face will in -> future be allowed to infect our nation on screen, and that -> includes cricketers in white clothing." -> -> "But in the one-day internationals your chaps wear red." -> -> "That shows how closely the two colours are horribly related," -> said Solly. "Did I mention green?" -> -> "Not yet." -> -> "Green is the colour of the Greenies, the imperialists who were -> opposed to our government's decision to nationalise all wildlife -> conservation areas and who claimed that this spelt the end of -> game protection. If they think their colour will appear on TV -> again, they have as much hope as a red-light district for gays in -> downtown Harare." -> -> "You might as well revert to black-and-white TV," I commented. -> -> "Except for the white," Solly reminded me. "Viewers will be happy -> with lighter shades of black, once we explain it's for their own -> good that we are keeping them in the dark." I like that satire. My version would probably have been much shorter, such as "Zimbabwe has banned red from their TV sets -- both of them." -- K. (what's a satire?) P.S. Imagine a country where you could be tortured to death for forgetting to pretend that all traffic lights are green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Now you can poop inside Moxie! Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:21:06 -0400 [www.stltoday.com] -> -> This can looks like a can -- of soda -> By Allyce Bess -> Of the Post-Dispatch -> 07/14/2004 -> -> At a softball tournament in San Diego eight years ago, Mike Mason -> found himself in a seemingly interminable line, staring at a -> portable toilet. That's when he thought: "Wouldn't it be more -> pleasant to stare at a giant beer can instead?" -> -> Mason has started a St. Louis-based company called MediaCan Inc. -> that he hopes will transform portable toilets into advertising -> vehicles. Vehicles? Oh, damn, first our nation's highways get clogged with millions of Segways, and now people are going to be driving shit-stuffed Coke cans around. Those are not going to be fun to collide with. -> Mason, 45, has yet to land an account. But he hopes to persuade -> the likes of Anheuser-Busch Cos., PepsiCo Inc. and any other -> company that sells cylinder-shaped products to buy space on -> 8-foot-tall replicas of beverage cans, pill bottles or even -> batteries. And why _wouldn't_ every beer company in the world want their products associated with giant beer cans filled with urine? (In Japan, portable toilets are shaped like giant dancing turds with big eyes. This is because Japan thinks turds are cute, as long as they have human faces. Japan needs to stop sniffing glue.) -- K. All together now: "WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN A CAN?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Men In Black 2 DVD Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 20:44:37 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > To whom it may concern: > > Just because you -can- add a bunch of stupid blinking shit to > your DVD does not mean you HAVE to. So are you saying that for the forthcoming "Star Wars" DVDs, they should take out all footage of R2D2? > And the alternate ending was cool but it would have been much cooler > if they mixed the best parts of it and the original ending together. I think movies should just be released without endings, because imagination makes the best endings of all. Endings suck, and you can save a lot of time by just watching the first half of every movie you see. If you must watch movies all the way through, try to choose ones that don't end, though I would avoid anything titled "The Neverending Story __", even if Jack Black is trying to play a teenager in it. That's one of the many things I like about "Pulp Fiction". It doesn't even take place in linear time, so you can't find where the end of the figure-9-shaped loop is even if you're half-Tralfamadorian. (And yet somehow the entire movie takes place during a single minute, unless all those clocks just simultaneously stopped at 4:20 because they were horrified over what Christopher Walken did with that wristwatch.) -- K. That movie always gives me cravings for hamburgers, Vanilla Coke, Pop Tarts, and fruit leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Men In Black 2 DVD Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 00:55:26 -0400 In article (2dfef01jc69oagkelo16r9r16088sot70s@4ax.com), Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 20:44:37 -0400, kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" > Parry) wrote: > > > > > -- K. > > > > That movie always gives > > me cravings for hamburgers, > > Vanilla Coke, Pop Tarts, > > and fruit leather. > > Oh. Color me SURPISED. Why? I said HAMburgers, not CHEESEburgers. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grapefruits Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 21:25:54 -0400 Argo (argo@fckyerself.com) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > Grapefruits resemble grapes in no way. > > They are gay. And that's why Grape-Nuts taste like... Wait, how do you know grapes are gay? Did you invent grapedar? -- K. What did the gay grape say when the elephant sat on it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beatles love Grapefruits, was just Grapefruits. Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 22:53:09 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] for the historians to pour over in one hundred years > > > > Swilson's gonna beat you with a stick, you know. > > Yeah, but what kind of stick? Someone's already got to him with the > Ugly Stick. > > Maybe I'll use the Gay Stick, since he's been shoving his red-hot > heterosexuality down our throats lately. Dude, don't wave your wand around in here. And don't go all Kyan on him just because you're thinking about the word "pore". It would be rude to give him a fab makeover before he asks for one, even if his pores look like Boston creme dougnuts with a backwards accent mark over the gayest "e" in "creme". -- K. They make paddles with "SLUT" carved into them backwards to make quite an impression, but I don't know if you can get a "SPAM THIS" paddle just for Otto. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sit back. It begins... Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:11:39 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > Speaking of rainbows and tossing salads, is there a single word > > > in this preverted and depravded language of yours which is > > > deprived of any sexual meaning? > > > > "swilson". > > DO. NOT. TRIFLE. WITH. THE. WRATH. OF. SWILSON!!! Oh, look, Rich, you got Kevin so mad that he forgot to adhere to the Chicago Manual of Style on punctuation and therefore couldn't follow it with a sentence about how he always follows the Chicago Manual of Style on punctuation. So be careful or he'll put the trifle on you. Don't force him to open a big can of trifle and make you taste the whip. (When he says "whip", he means "dessert topping". And when he says "topping", he also means "dessert topping".) And Kevin, I'm sorry to hear you've been deprived of sexual meaning. It's no fun to have the sexual equivalent of a word salad. -- K. Anagram of "Kevin S. Wilson": "Evil Knows Sin" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I say: EWWWWWW!!!!! Date: Sat, 17 Jul 2004 00:04:23 -0400 [from www.nbcsandiego.com] -> -> Health Officials Warn Residents About 'Bathtub Cheese' -> -> Cheese Sold On Streets Could Be Unpasteurized -> -> POSTED: 11:27 PM PDT July 15, 2004 -> UPDATED: 11:34 PM PDT July 15, 2004 -> -> SAN DIEGO -- On Thursday, health officials warned residents not -> to buy cheese and raw milk products sold on the streets and -> neighborhoods of San Diego County. -> -> The warning was issued because those items could contain harmful -> bacteria. The illegal products, known as "bathtub cheese," are a -> health threat because unlicensed manufacturers use raw, -> unpasteurized milk that can promote bacteria growth, according to -> health officials. -> -> "We have found these illegal cheeses being sold from the back of -> cars or trucks, at swap meets and from door-to-door salespeople," -> said Gary Erbeck, director of the County Environmental Health -> Department. And just when I thought door-to-door salespeople were extinct, now the exciting news that I can buy unsanitary, homemade runny foot-bath cheese from them. Suddenly that set of encyclopedias seems downright delicious. -> The containers used to make the cheese -- bathtubs, homemade -> wooden vats and rusted molds -- are often stored in barns or -> garages without adequate pest control and sanitation. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S ALMOST WORSE THAN ARBY'S! -> "There can be serious health consequences if unpasteurized cheese -> is consumed," said Dr. Michele Ginsberg, the county's chief of -> epidemiology. -> -> Salmonella, listeria, nausea, diarrhea, muscle aches and fever -> are some of the health problems associated with bad cheese, -> Ginsberg said. Then according to my biochemistry, there is no good cheese! -> Pregnant women should be particularly cautious because they can -> transmit listeria to the fetus, which can result in stillborn, -> early labor or meningitis in the newborn infant. Or worse, the kid could grow up to run the Museum Of Science and all day would be taunted by comment cards that say "DEAR CURATOR, YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE." -> Those who have eaten unpasteurized cheese and are concerned -> should contact a physician. -> -> In California, it is a criminal offense to manufacture and sell -> cheese from an unlicensed facility. -> -> Copyright 2004 by NBCSandiego.com. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or -> redistributed. So how much money did NBC San Diego have to pay to get their license to broadcast cheese? -- K. Warning: Unlicensed Swiss cheese may contain holes filled with dirt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2004 12:04:24 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > > > > > The nice thing about a.r.k is that you can always find a thread that > > > is relevant enough to hijack for your own purposes. > > > > I LIKE MITTENS I LIKE MITTENS I LIKE MITTENS I'm sorry, you were saying? > > At the student end of the last conference, someone introduced the > "ladder of sexyness in astronomy". Eg, planet finding - very sexy, > no information. Cosmology - quite sexy, small amounts of > information. Chemodynamical evolution of stars: drop dead ugly, lots > of information. So all speakers thereafter dropped a reference to the > ladder of sexyness into their talks. I think escalators are sexier than ladders. Especially those giant rubber bands that serve as a sort of weird handrail that attempts to get your hands to the top floor several seconds ahead of the rest of you. > Except one speaker, having missed the first talk, and hence the > context for all this talk about sexyness, gets to her third slide, and > says "I don't really have anything sexy in this talk, except maybe > this next picture", where she brings up a plot with some galaxy in the > optical, with HI radio contours overlayed. She then said - "these jets > look like ear muffs, and I think ear muffs are sexy". Then we all > backed quietly out of the room. There is a fine line between "sexy ha-ha" and "sexy strange", and you have managed to erase that line. Has she explored the possibility that the galaxy in question is actually just a pair of ear muffs some cosmonaut accidentally flushed down the International Space Station's space toilet? I know Russians must wear out a lot of pairs of ear muffs, because (a) it's very loud on the space station, (b) it's very cold in space, and (c) it's even colder in Russia. Also, Russians do not have the concept of "sexy ha-ha". Ayn Rand explained to the House Un-American Activities Committee that any film or poster showing Russians smiling is Commie propaganda, because Russians _never_ smile, and she knew because she was a Russian and she damn sure never smiled. Fucking Ayn Rand. -- K. Also, her hair functioned as ear muffs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review: radar detector Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2004 12:46:37 -0400 Distribution: world Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fucking Ayn Rand. > > Please lobotomize the portion of my brain that is picturing this. But that might also eliminate some of your fond childhood memories of "Doctor Who" if I take all the Rand/Dalek porn out of your brain. (Ever wonder why some of them had plungers for hands?) Me, I'm still disturbed by finding out she had a fetish for tall men with fluorescent orange hair. I am going to make damn sure I never accidentally become an architect just in case she ever comes back from the dead. -- K. Imagine a Dalek reading all of "Atlas Shrugged" aloud. By the way, I was also going to write some Electrawoman/ Dynagirl slash fiction, but "Electrawoman/Dynagirl" turns out to be an anagram of "Ayn Rand Rectal Mole Wig", so forget it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sexy headgear in astronomy (was: radar detector) Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2004 12:12:09 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > one speaker [...] gets to her third slide, and says "I don't really > > have anything sexy in this talk, except maybe this next picture", > > where she brings up a plot with some galaxy in the optical, with > > HI radio contours overlayed. She then said - "these jets look like > > ear muffs, and I think ear muffs are sexy". Then we all backed > > quietly out of the room. > > That was your big mistake. She was giving you an "in". You should have > taken advantage of it by wearing ear muffs the next time you saw her. And follow her around shouting "WHAT? WHAT?" whenever she says anything to anyone. Also tell her your penis is seven billion miles long but most of it is invisible to optical wavelengths, then show her your private radio-contour overlay. > Unless, of course, she was unattractive, in which case you should have > just worn a hat. Some of us _like_ wearing hats and don't need to be prompted to wear them, no matter how sexy it makes us to unattractive people. I bet that if you took apart all my hats, you could assemble them into a whole hollowed-out cow. -- K. What would her name be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Recipe for Doner meat in Doner Kebabs Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2004 12:35:46 -0400 In alt.food.fast-food, The Mullen (singh_ding_ring@boltblue.com) wrote: > > My missus would like to make her own kebabs.., does anyone have a > recipe for the Doner meat? Also, what does 'Doner' mean? Donner meat is hard to come by, plus I'm not sure you'd want to be around the sort of people who might come to your Donner party. Trouble breaks out if the Chianti isn't "nice" enough. -- K. Try www.google.com for "donair recipe", or if you prefer the American spelling, "gyros recipe". ("donair" or "doner" is the Turkish name, "gyros" is the Greek name -- they are slightly different, but for some reason the U.S. only has gyros, and Canada only has donairs. That's how the border between the two nations was defined, someone walked around with a sandwich mapping out all the points where its name changed.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ithaca area Kibologistas Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 14:14:22 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning some squealing newborn meme] > > > > It's based on Raoul's recent Russian superstar post. I say this > > because Rich will want to document the meme and, to save him time, I > > will prove immediately that it was not my creation. > > Originality is for the WEAK. As someone once said. That was Stacia, too. -- K. Her posts aren't full of post, they're full of memes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear everyone: Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 14:27:17 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Oh, and Nicko, thanks very fucking much for unleashing the ark > "Fucked" ray. I am pretty fucked now - elbow hurts, dunno how I'll pay > for that new tooth, bathroom destroyed and bank account a glowing red > hole. (Note to schadenfreude enthusiasts - these are the result of > separate incidents). "Enthusiasts" is a pretty mild way of describing us. Now, if your bathroom were a glowing red hole, then we'd be happy! "Don't forget to flush your crater!" So, for the benefit of those of us who slept late because we stayed up all night slow-motioning through driver's ed films from the 1950s, do tell us what sort of incident inspired that caused you to wreck your bathroom with your teeth and elbow. -- K. So you see, Sigmund Freud hooked up with Leopold von Sacher-Schaden, and then Kraft-Ebbing joined in and said "Let's borrow your names just in case someone ever blows up Andrew Pearson's bathroom," and there you go. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,ne.general Subject: Re: 80 some odd people. Boston city council offices. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 14:51:47 -0400 In ne.general and ne.politics, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > There are 80 some odd, 80 or so people at Boston city council offices... Then let me be the first to congratulate you on being elected to whatever office you were odd enough to receive. -- K. (It's not one of those little ones underneath someone's desk, is it?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 15:11:03 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > This was so good I had seconds,even though it meant I had > to stuff myself to fit it in.Consumed with a nice pinot noir > and fresh garden salad,it's pretty close to heaven. > > Several chicken breasts cut into bite-sized or just a bit bigger pieces. Good. > Saute jalapeno peppers and onions until carmelized. Good. > Throw the chicken in the pan and just braise it a bit and then > throw in a large can or 2 of chili verde sauce. Excellent. Note that different brands of green sauce are spicy to different degrees -- some are very mild and some are quite hot. For more fun, also buy a little can of chopped green chiles (they're not spicy) and add that too for some texture. > Simmer the whole thing until the chicken is cooked and tender, > and then place into a baking dish that has been lined with > lightly toasted corn tortillas. Good, provided they're real yellow corn and not that fake white corn made from Styrofoam. (Note that yellow tortillas these days are often white corn dyed yellow, even for some of the imported Mexican brands!) > Fill the baking dish up to 3/4 full,put another layer of > tortillas on top of that,finish with the rest of the verde > sauce and then put a layer of jack cheese on top of that. EWWWW! Okay, I just lost my appetite. Keep that cheese away from my salsa! > (Pepper jack would be a nice touch.) Then bake at 350F > until sauce and cheese are bubbly. > Consume. > (Another nice touch was a loaf of San Francisco sourdough > bread.) But only if it doesn't go near where your bathing suit covers. > I don't think_ I left anything out.But_,I was given the > recipe at 4:30am on our way to catch the airport shuttle, > which we almost missed,and had about 3 hours of sleep the night before. > So,you have been warned. > Cook at your own risk! Other than adding cheese, it's really hard to screw up something which is meat plus canned sauce plus Doritos. The proportions don't have to be precise. Just make sure there's at least enough sauce to get the corn chips wet. It's okay to use a little extra, then the dish will tend more towards polenta but it's still good. I like to cover mine with foil instead of cheese, so that the corn chips on top soften up instead of drying out. Also, I make my chicken breasts out of ground beef. Crumble the beef, brown it while mixing in some spices, then put it on top of corn chips, pour salsa over it, and bake away. When working with green chili sauce, white beans may be subsituted for corn chips once in a while. Remember: White beans go with green chili, red beans go with red chili, black beans go on hippie protest marches with tofu. I suppose you could also use rice, if you're really square. -- K. Sometime I'll invite all you people over for my SPECIAL tacos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 13:31:07 -0400 John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometime I'll invite all you people over for my SPECIAL tacos. > > Great! I'll be in town the week of August 8th. Sorry, "sometime" means "well after August 8 because it will take me a looooong time to clean up this place enough that anyone could stand to see it without dropping dead." If you want to know more about the current state of my apartment, I should point out that "Pajama Sam 4" was a documentary. But when you're in town, even though you'd never want to eat at my place, we can go to Taco Bell if you want. The one where every meal included a free troupe of dancing rats is long closed, but there are still a couple others in town if you don't mind the lack of rats. > P.S. Exactly how "SPECIAL" are they? > P.S. Exactly how are they "SPECIAL"? The specialness of my tacos is tailored to the specialness of my guests. What sort of special lad are you? -- K. Art thou okra special, or art thou wasabi special? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 23:13:57 -0400 John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Sometime I'll invite all you people over for my SPECIAL tacos. > > > > > > Great! I'll be in town the week of August 8th. > > > > Sorry, "sometime" means "well after August 8 because it will take me > > a looooong time to clean up this place enough that anyone could stand > > to see it without dropping dead." > > wasn't actually expecting an invitation to anyone's home, > really just looking for something to do in the evenings. Oh, so now you don't WANT to come to my home? Well, maybe now I'll invite you anyway, just to punish you for not wanting to come to my filthy and disgusting apartment! > > But when you're in town, even though you'd never want to eat at my > > place, we can go to Taco Bell if you want. The one where every meal > > included a free troupe of dancing rats is long closed, but there are > > still a couple others in town if you don't mind the lack of rats. > > If schedules allow, I might take you up on that offer. I'm busy > during the days (work related) but evenings are open. I think I can > live without the rats. Okay, if I happen to be in town that week I'll try to find some rat-free entertainment for you. > I've been watching the "Dear Boston-Area Kiborts" thread. I'll be staying > near (not actually on) the red line, so it looks like much of Boston > should be convenient even without a car. Of course if we ride the subway you may have to put up with dozens of mice, but because mice are cute and rats are ugly that should be no problem. Remember that this summer, you may get patted down every time you ride the Red Line, and not just by the national security people. > > Art thou okra special, or art thou wasabi special? > > WAH-SAH-BEE! > WAH-SAH-BEE! > WAH-SAH-BEE! Well, we can go to the Super 88 Supermarket and mock the thousands of types of export-quality "wasabi" (horseradish plus green dye) on the Hello Kitty aisle. -- K. Don't forget to reserve five minutes to see the entire famous Combat Zone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 13:25:34 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) asked Kibo: > > > > > > I'm probably going to regret this. What's your taco recipe? > > > > I bet he leaves out the corn tortillas and just puts it on the Ritz. > > Now I'm left with this mental image of a big monster,dancing in > a tailcoat and tophat,singing "Puttin on the Ritz". RRRRRRR! To get that mental image out of your head, I command you to watch the hilarious hit movie "Baby Geniuses", in which a midget with a toddler's severed head Photoshopped onto his neck dances to "Putting On The Ritz" by Taco. Sadly, I could not think of any movies of similar quality featuring songs by one-hit wonders named Mexi-Melt or Bellbeefer, but maybe those will turn up in "Baby Geniuses 2" which will be released in just over a month to delight and amuse tens of idiotic kindergartners unless it makes them all vomit like the second "Harry Potter" movie did. -- K. I wish _I_ had a monster in my head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:59:30 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > Now I'm left with this mental image of a big monster,dancing in > > > a tailcoat and tophat,singing "Puttin on the Ritz". > > > > RRRRRRR! > > > > To get that mental image out of your head, I command you to watch the > > hilarious hit movie "Baby Geniuses", > > Nope.Not even for you will I inflict that pain upon myself. Too bad, I already signed you up for Netflix. Ten copies of the DVD will be arriving in the mail tomorrow morning, and if you don't watch them before returning them they'll charge you for keeping them just like Book-Of-The-Month Club always does right before the book arrives. > > -- K. > > > > I wish _I_ had a monster in my head. > > Easy.Just watch "Young Frankenstein". > (That's my favorite scene.) Not any of the heterosexual scenes? In any case, I'm sure you'll like the scene where the baby dances to "Puttin' On The Ritz" in a midget-sized tuxedo are just as good, except in the opposite way. So strap yourself into your easiest easy chair and prepare yourself to witness a new scale of cinematic values, because you gotta get "Baby Geniuses" out of the way within the next month or you won't be ready to handle "Baby Geniuses 2" on August 27. IT'S COMING. -- K. The main reason I like to mention its release date is that whenever I do, its release gets cancelled. AUGUST 27 AUGUST 27 AUGUST 27 You're welcome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 13:11:23 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > Easy.Just watch "Young Frankenstein". > > > (That's my favorite scene.) > > > > Not any of the heterosexual scenes? > > I'm asexual.Those were boring.All other,other favorite scenes > contain Marty Feldman. You're asexual? But I thought you were a gal! Does this mean you're a robot or a chilren's TV character or something? And wasn't Roger Corman's "Frankenstein Unbound" funnier? I mean, it had a talking car playing the Marty Feldman role. And, in typical Corman fashion, a giant space vagina. That time he forgot to put his giant penis spaceship in it, though. -- K. They should colorize "Young Frankenstein". In _wacky_ colors. Make Gene Wilder purple! Also make the monster into an Oompa-Loompa. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 22:41:21 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > EWWWW! Okay, I just lost my appetite. Keep that cheese away from > > my salsa! > > My husband feels the same way about cheese the way you do.So,stay the hell > away from my husband! Why, did the two of you get married in Massachusetts to make it possible for him to date guys? > [...] > > Thanks for the tips.I was wondering what I was going to put on > the half my husband gets to eat,instead of cheese. > Tell me,if a piece of cheese touches the half of a cheese haters piece, > does the cheese hater wipe it off and still eat it, or is it all ruined and > sent through the garbage disposal? I really wouldn't eat it if it had even a molecule of cheese on it. It doesn't take a large amount of a toxin to cause me to ruin your evening. > (Garbage disposal at my house=3 salivating canines) So what breed is the one who's your husband? > > Sometime I'll invite > > all you people over for > > my SPECIAL tacos. > > > > I'm probably going to regret this. What's your taco recipe? It's exactly the same recipe, but you don't break up the shells, at least not on purpose. * 1 pound ground beef (85-90% ground chuck or ground round) * 1 packet taco powder * 1 jar taco sauce, chile verde, ranchero sauce, or whatever * 1 little can chopped green chiles * 1 box of taco shells (12), preferably real yellow corn * hot sauce to taste Follow recipe on the taco shell box but leave out the cheese and lettuce and other non-meat, non-shell items. Eat in front of TV and enjoy feeling the power of meat shouldering through your intenstines! Note that the can of green chiles is the key, because otherwise you might be tempted to add lettuce, and tacos with lettuce in them never contain a third as much meat as one stuffed with just the wonderful chili-like taco filling. If you leave out the cheese and the lettuce you can eat a lot of meat. I typically eat six to nine of these at a time. -- K. And then I explode! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 13:40:46 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I really wouldn't eat it if it had even a molecule of cheese on it. > > It doesn't take a large amount of a toxin to cause me to ruin your > > evening. > > > > [...] > > > > Note that the can of green chiles is the key, > > So, it occurs to me that Kibo and I have very different definitions of > the word "toxin". Good to know. How can you dislike canned green chiles? The things can pretty much pass for those little green soggy boiled celery bits that float in your Campbell's Cream Of Celery Soup. They're soft and sweet and wholly inoffensive, like a green bell pepper without all the flavor. If you can't handle them, you're a hopeless baby. I bet you're one of those people who makes them scrape the little dehydrated onion flakes off your burger at White Castle, too. And oh no get that light dusting of paprika off your mound of mashed potatoes! Cheese, on the other hand, has strong flavor, and it's not a good one. It's an evil one. Speaking of things with flavor, I was microwaving a Hormel turkey-and- stuffing vacuum-packed entree from the drugstore (hey, I was at the office) and I noticed the ingredients included: CHICKEN BROTH (CONTAINS FLAVOR) Apparently this is Hormel's way of bragging that they've improved the recipe. The new chicken-flavored cardboard-based turkey tastes better than the old cardboard-flavored cardboard-based turkey. So you wouldn't like it, because now it almost has flavor. Go back to your Wonder Bread and your tofu-based yogurt substitute and your Quaker Corn Bran and I promise that the extremely mild green chiles will never bother you again while you happily avoid even things that only sort of have flavor. -- K. Try using plastic cutlery, the metal kind has too much flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: people who pick all the flavor out of their food (was: Chicken Tortilla Casserole) Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 15:04:13 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet you're one of those people who makes them scrape the little > > dehydrated onion flakes off your burger at White Castle, too. > > > > And oh no get that light dusting of paprika off your mound of > > mashed potatoes! > > hells, I knew someone once who picked out all the kidney beans from > casseroles, 'cos they came from chili cans, so obviously they were > chili and DANGEROUS. when I told her the chili were the little bits of > seed floating sadly all lonesome, she thought I was making fun of her. When the truth is, you were just saving up the story so that everyone on the Internet could make fun of her! So how many times did you date her before you decided it would be best to take her to the Super 88 Supermarket and watch her running around screaming in horror that there were a variety of food products available? -- K. And what if you had used canned "No Beans" chili? Hormel makes it from oatmeal plus orange grease. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 19:30:25 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > See, Kibo [...] > > Kontext-Away, heartened by the thought of a fully-balanced meal, swoops down > with knife and fork extended: > > > You are just jealous because my tongue still functions properly. > > > > I CAN TASTE THINGS YOU'LL ONLY DREAM OF. > > Kontext-Away emits a genteel eructation and places its silverware in the > universal "NO THANKS BUT WHERE'S THE CAKE" position. Hmm. Now I'm trying to figure out if there's anything I could dream of that I haven't tasted. Let's see, I don't think I've had live quivering monkey brains. But I don't see myself dreaming about them any time soon. At least, not as food. > [...] > > Here at the store I just found out all our old plastic silverware got thrown > out and replaced with ETHEREAL plastic silverware. This is so CUUUUTE! What, they have forks made of aerogel now? You're still not going to get me to eat at Subway, even if you come up with something even more conceptually awesome than doughnut-flavored milkshakes or other fried-flavored beverages. -- K. A fried chicken shake would be almost as good as a tall frosty bacon whip. (mmm... bacon whip...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 15:11:22 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How can you dislike canned green chiles? [...] > > > > If you can't handle them, you're a hopeless baby. > > See, Kibo, the thing is, I haven't fried my taste buds with a lifetime > of food abuse, so I still have most of them at the ripe old age of 38. > > This means I can still taste normal food, and don't need to dunk it in > some sort of toxic waste in order to detect flavor. That's not how it works, dude. Pain isn't detected by the flavor receptors. It's a completely orthogonal sense. And I will bet you ten cans of jalapeno strips that I have a lot more taste buds than you, and that they're more sensitive, and that you're a big baby. > > I bet you're one of those people who makes them scrape the little > > dehydrated onion flakes off your burger at White Castle, too. > > WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! > > I would NEVER eat a White Castle burger. Not again. See? You don't even have enough taste buds to detect the subtle deliciousness of White Castles. > [...] > > You are just jealous because my tongue still functions properly. > > I CAN TASTE THINGS YOU'LL ONLY DREAM OF. > > Also: My current breakfast of choice is raw oats with cinnamon, sugar > and melted butter. That's baby food. Baby HORSE food. And I bet you buy it at Trader Joe's, pony girl. -- K. I hope you're not one of those people who bursts into tears when _cinnamon_ gum is too "hot". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: everyone likes ponies (was: Chicken Tortilla Casserole) Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 15:56:54 -0400 pugg (pugg71@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Also: My current breakfast of choice is raw oats with cinnamon, sugar > > > and melted butter. > > > > That's baby food. Baby HORSE food. > > > > And I bet you buy it at Trader Joe's, pony girl. > > A bowl of oats does NOT a pony-girl make, Kibo. Of all the people in > this chatroom I would've thought you (and maybe Stacia) would know that. Oh really? Prove it. Post lots of photos of pony girls and only after we have used magnifying glasses to study every one that exists and determined that none of the pony girls are eating oatmeal for breakfast we'll know that... um... actually, I don't know what we'll know, but let's do the research anyway. -- K. Trader Joe's sells lots of foods which aren't even suitable for feeding to animals -- they should only be fed to people pretending to be animals. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 23:28:43 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Go back to your [...] Quaker Corn Bran [...] > > Ohmigosh! Since Atkins I'd almost forgotten about Quaker Corn Bran, > which I used to *love*, You know those paper-mache' cartons they put eggs in at the natural-food store? If you've given up Quaker Corn Bran, you could always eat those. They taste exactly the same, plus you get free eggs when you buy them. > especially when I tarted it up with sliced banana, fake sugar, and > ice cold skim milk. Yummers!! Or you could've just bought Captain Crunch, which comes complete with fake sugar made from Elmer's glue, and enough yellow dye to make you imagine it tastes like banana peels even though it's just sweetened fried Styrofoam. -- K. Quaker Corn Bran is the cereal which is 150% fiber and -50% flavor. It's like if they found a way to make Weetabix less kid-friendly. Now Kaboom, that's a real cereal. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 14:24:21 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How can you dislike canned green chiles? The things can pretty much > > pass for those little green soggy boiled celery bits that float in > > your Campbell's Cream Of Celery Soup. They're soft and sweet and > > wholly inoffensive, like a green bell pepper without all the flavor. > > Green bell pepper = unripe bell pepper = toxin. > > Red bell pepper = ripe bell pepper = not toxin. > > It's really very simple, very simple indeed. Then what about the yellow ones, the orange ones, the purple ones, and those gorgeous black ones? What about the ones that are green on one side and red on the other? What about the way I can eat any of them without dying? What about the way only a total crybaby would believe a pepper containing no heat whatsoever could be in any way harmful? I bet you think nacho cheez Doritos are too spicy. My apologies for challenging your model of food as a traffic light, but hey, some of us like green bell peppers even though they don't hurt us at all. Bell peppers are wholly inoffensive, just like me. -- K. I like Cream Of Celery soup, though cream soups always improve if you add hot sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 23:22:13 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > [My wife] also thinks, by the way, that Nacho Cheez Doritos and green, > yellow, orange, red, purple, OR black bell peppers are too spicy, but > loves pepperoni. How is it that pepperoni is such a favorite of people > who otherwise blanch at a single molecule of capsaicin? Because it's 99% lard and 1% super-mild paprika. The grease mitigates any spice or flavor the stuff might have. I like pepperoni too, but come on, in no way can it be considered spicy. Green peppers are one of those things only grown-ups have the taste buds to appreciate, like black olives and capers and anchovies and cigars. Now, I'm not saying this means you married a fourteen-year-old, but I am saying I can't prove you didn't solely on the basis of her dislike of the grown-up mild peppers. I bet she buys all her food at Trader Joe's. -- K. Their canned chili doubles as Kool-Aid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:40:52 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Green peppers > > > > Wait, hold on. [...] There are people in this world who actively > > DISLIKE them? The blandest vegetable ever to be grown in dirt? > > My wife will not eat any food with even trace amounts > of green peppers in it. She can taste 'em, no matter > how few, and she don't like 'em. I don't know which > is more disturbing, this green pepperdar, or the fact > that I might be married to Kibo. Wait, I _love_ green peppers. Both spicy ones and yummy crunchy wet fruit-flavored ones like green bell peppers. The controversy here is that some people who hate spicy peppers seem to be unable to tell a daring and macho habanero from a cute and cuddly green bell pepper and so they hate both of them for the wrong reasons instead of loving both of them for my reasons. Are you sure you married someone from _this_ newsgroup? If you want to marry me instead, I'll first have to grant you a divorce from whomever or whatever you're married to. FIVE DOLLA! -- K. FIVE DOLLA, FIVE DOLLA, NO CHEESE, FIVE DOLLA! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chicken Tortilla Casserole Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:35:46 -0400 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Green peppers > > Wait, hold on. I'm a little confused by this. We are talking about green > bell peppers, the little seed pods surrounded by a crisp, bland shell of > water? You cut out the seeds and eat the water? There are people in this > world who actively DISLIKE them? The blandest vegetable ever to be grown > in dirt? Apparently so. Some of the same people who run around screaming and crying out their eyes and ears at the thought of ever touching a green jalapeno are even terrified of green bell peppers and green chiles, despite that the latter two types of peppers are practically candy. Some people just can't figure out how to taste stuff. These are the same people who are most likely to argue endlessly about which is better, Coke or Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, and won't they be surprised when someone like me gets elected President and pronounces, "You're all bozos! Coke and Pepsi, McDonalds and Burger King, they all suck because you don't have any taste buds! Our country will never catch up to the social sophistication of India and Thailand if you don't graduate to things with flavor, like curry!" -- K. Besides, Dr. Pepper is better than Coke and Pepsi combined, although it does indeed suck. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: people who pick all the flavor out of their food (was: Chicken Tortilla Casserole) Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 15:25:01 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > These are the same people who are most likely to argue endlessly about > > which is better, Coke or Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, and won't they > > be surprised when someone like me gets elected President and pronounces, > > You, sir, are obviously insane and should retract your lies. You will > never be elected President if you are incapable of discerning the > better cola (Coke), Dude, they both taste like fizzy dirt with liquid teeth dissolved in it. > the better fast food (Burger King for lunch, but McDonalds for breakfast), Dude, no sane people would put all the effort into going all the way to McDonalds just for one of those breakfasts. Sensible people would rather skip breakfast. > the better bell pepper (not green), Dude, they're all good. Those of you who can't enjoy both green and red bell peppers are as sad as people who can only eat one of the three colors of apples. ALL BELL PEPPERS ARE A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN McDONALDS. > or the better hot pepper (chipotles being infinitely superior to jalapenos); I never said chipotles weren't better than jalapenos. Jalapenos are pretty weak as hot peppers go, though they do have their places (and I can think of one right now -- BEND OVER!) > it would violate the fifteenth ammendment. What, the one that says "Congress shall not discriminate against Kibo and if he wants to be President, then everyone else step aside because Kibo's going to be President, you worthless little shits!"? I like that the Constitution has all those swear words in it now. It's quite an improvement over that really gay one we had during the Bicentennial that just had all those guys in red and blue tights pride-parading around with fifes and drums and Ben Franklin. -- K. So have you tried that new Krispy Kreme doughnut milkshake yet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: people who pick all the flavor out of their food (was: Chicken Tortilla Casserole) Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 19:39:26 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So have you tried that new Krispy Kreme doughnut milkshake yet? > > > > I'd rather lick dirt out of a pothole in the left lane of I-81. > > I had wanted to drive back out Kingston Pike and try one, You have to go that far just to find a dirty pothole? What, do you live in Canada where there are no potholes and even if they had them they'd be sparkly and shiny and smell like maple-scented Endust? > but fortunately the Stupid Watch that's been called for most of the > county (based on how things were going as I drove home) is ongoing > until 7:49pm. After which there will still be scattered stupid with > occasional pools of dumb, but nothing like the freak gusts of stupid > capable of knocking down small tree-limbs and confusing the size of > quarters with hail that there was going on outside my windows on > the way here. Why in a couple of places I almost hydroplaned on it! What sort of Kibologist wouldn't risk his life to drive three hours through gallstone-sized hail just to be one of the first to try a new novelty beverage that shouldn't exist? You could just split the difference and go to Krispy Kreme and ask them for "any doughnut as long as it has a dirty pothole." -- K. I keep thinking it says "dirty porthole", which makes me imagine something like "The Love Boat" with saxophone music and Gavin MacLeod getting his head stuck in something. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: people who pick all the flavor out of their food (was: Chicken Tortilla Casserole) Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 16:28:58 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, no sane people would put all the effort into going all the way > > to McDonalds just for one of those breakfasts. > > I only said it was better than BK. I didn't say I wouldn't rather > lick dirt out of a pothole in the left lane of I-81. > > > [...] So have you tried that new Krispy Kreme doughnut milkshake yet? > > I'd rather lick dirt out of a pothole in the left lane of I-81. That can be arranged. Also, it's not a _pot_hole. -- K. I suggest the end of I-81 at the Canadian border, not the one down where people can legally marry nutria. It's so clean up there it's practically part of Ontario. I'll tell the Binghamton Senators to get ready for you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Boston-area Kiborts Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 23:27:03 -0400 Jim Blackburn (tae1fra001@sneakemail.com) wrote: > > Hi, Bostonian Kiborts. My girlfriend and I are thinking about going to > Bostonia in October. If we go, is there anything we should FER SURE > check out that's off the beaten tourist path? Should we not go in > October for fear of our netherparts becoming frigid and gangrenous? October here isn't that chilly. Probably won't even be snowing yet. My favorite tourist place here is the Museum Of Science, but that's because I'm a nerd and the science museum is so outdated that it has an immense wacky kitsch vibe radiating in place of science-style radiation. They have lately been working to purge it of all the 1971-era typography, but still everything there is from the days before "Happy Days" was invented. I also like the Children's Museum for similar reasons. For real art, there's the Museum of Fine Art, and the Institute For Contemporary Art, and the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum (those last three are all pretty much in my neighborhood.) I believe the Museum Of Bad Art (www.museumofbadart.org) has their physical museum open these days, though I've never actually been there. October would probably not be the best time to go to the Arnold Arboretum. I'm not sure whether the (enclosed) observation decks of the Hancock and Prudential skyscrapers have ever re-opened, but it would be easy enough for _you_ to check. (I'm busy typing this.) Things to miss: Chinatown (it's tiny and tame), the Combat Zone (ditto), the USS Constitution (yawn), the Bunker Hill Monument (so many stairs and yet they don't go anyplace exciting!) and especially f'ing Cheers. I can show you folks the sights if you'd like. I could even show you alt.religion.kibology-specific sights such as the place where the crazy people's supermarket was before it shut down, where the best construction debris from the Big Dig is, where I buy my hair dye, where the largest ammonids in the Prudential floor files died, where the local Mafia-run pinball arcade used to be, where the K-Mart that had the cafeteria with the world's worst spaghetti used to be, and other thrilling wonders of wondrously wonderful wonderment. But I'm not going to be the one to volunteer to hold the party in your honor if I can help it, because my apartment is too small and filthy. (I'll bring a bag of weird foreign potato chips.) -- K. For real fun, I could show you the really weirdly quaint tourist attractions in backwoods Maine, provided you bring an oyster-shucking knife and a rifle. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 3l33tness factor ++ Date: Mon, 19 Jul 2004 23:50:02 -0400 robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > I found a typo in Will Wheaton's 'Dancing Barefoot', and I emailed him and > he replied! > > PH34r MY MASS1v3 G33k cred!!!!!! Big deal. I found a typo in "Will Wheaton". I suspect now one of us has to write a zany, madcap "Star Trek" parody where he's named "Won't Wheaton". The other characters can be "Catpain Nosepicard", "Commander Riker's Island", "Counselor Idiot", and "Mr. Spock No Pants". Come to think of it, neither of us has to do that, because "Cracked" magazine probably did it around 1997. Is there some card I can get for my wallet which certifies I'll never write anything like that again? Better yet, some sort of pinback button I could wear at conventions. And as far as your "geek cred" goes, your Geek Code score (www.geekcode.com) will never rise above "K++++", while mine will never sink below "K++++++". I shall always be double-plus creddier than you. -- K. P.S. Celebrities are _not_ a scavenger hunt. But even if you choose to view them as such, I'm sure you could easily collect E-mail from many other "Star Trek" people by paying them as little as $20. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cukes Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 00:28:17 -0400 Gregory King (greg-usenet@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Where did the idea of calling cucumbers "cukes" come from? Since when > do we give produce nicknames? Did the American Cucumber Council > decide that they needed to come up with an "edgy" new brand identity > that doesn't sound quite so "cucumbersome"? Are we going to start > eating "broccs" and "B-sprouts"? It's because they wanted to eliminate "umber" from the name so they could stop dyeing them orangish-brown. Duh! Also, be on the lookout for "zukes" and my favorite type of mushroom, "porcs". -- K. anagrams of "orangish-brown cucumbers": Some people just shouldn't exercise: AEROBICS CHURNS WRONG BUM Archimedes Plutonium's master plan: ARCHIE BOMBS U.N., CROWN, RUGS And a surreal reference to a medieval vehicle-maintenance contest with an icky prize: ARMORER BUS WON CINCH BUGS If the President isn't re-elected due to an unkosher scandal: RECURRING BACON MOWS BUSH Life is tough on the bimbo farm: BIMBO GROWERS CRUNCH ANUS Opposite ends of some spectrum: MR. SHOW / CANCEROUS RUBBING Gayest "Laverne & Shirley" ever: CARMINE BORROWS SNUG CHUB Female centaur taking action against unnecessary sidewalks: HORSEWOMAN CURBING CURBS Hey, learn to spell, you British pervs: SMOOCHING RUBBER WANCURS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What The Hell Did Glenn Put In His Mouth Two Weeks Ago? Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 02:29:28 -0400 Poisonmail (poisonmail@aol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Since taking my current job I've learned never to underestimate the > power of food, especially bad food. BEHOLD THE POWER OF JAR JAR! By the way, if anyone wants one, I still have three or four of the Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongues from several years ago -- I bought a bunch of them out of altruism, solely to ensure that fewer kids would wind up Frenching Jar Jar. I imagine they're no more gastro-intestinally deleterious than they were back in the 20th century. BEHOLD THE POWER OF JAR JAR! STRONGER THAN WHITE CASTLES! JAR JAR IS HOSPITAL STRENGTH! -- K. From the makers of "Janitor In A Drum", it's "Jar Jar In A Jar"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Factoid! Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 02:45:04 -0400 From the results of a (possibly apocryphal) survey conducted by a bathroom-fixture manufacturer: -> 7 percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all. Wow, that's more than the population of New York City -- I wonder where the other ones live! Okay, that was a cheap shot. Some of the people in New York do bathe. Some of them even hold in their urine for the length of an entire subway ride. -- K. I should be on TV. Is there a show on after Conan? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Don't answer the phone! The calls are coming from inside Stupidland! Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 22:26:19 -0400 [from news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Panic at Nigerian 'killer calls' -> -> Nigerian mobile phone users have been anxiously checking who is -> calling them before answering them in recent days. -> -> A rumour has spread rapidly in the commercial capital, Lagos, -> that if one answers calls from certain "killer numbers" then one -> will die immediately. What if the other guy calls you collect? Does it make you immortal? And if you have call waiting, does it kill other people? Does DSL kill you ten times faster? -> A BBC reporter says experts and mobile phone operators have been -> reassuring the public via the media that death cannot result from -> receiving a call. And yet the people in Nigeria still haven't learned to have a healthy fear of THE DEATH DOT! Every time they watch a TV news report on how their phones won't eat their faces, the TV picture is made up of TRILLIONS of red, green, and blue dots, any one of which might be THE DEATH DOT! Cover the screen by gluing a black rubber welcome mat over it or you might die before you finish reading this! -> He says that in such a superstitious country unfounded rumours -> are common. -> -> A list of alleged killer numbers has been circulated but no-one -> is reported to have died from answering the phone. And don't forget the killer digits. You can die if anyone calls you from an area code containing "0" or "1", especially if it's on a day ending in "y". -> The BBC's reporter in Lagos, Sola Odunfa, says that the current -> scare story is reminiscent of a rumour that spread a few years -> ago that a handshake could cause sexual organs to disappear. Worst David Copperfield special ever! -> That rumour turned to tragedy as mobs rounded on people accused -> of making organs disappear. -> -> Despite the massive public interest, no-one was found to have -> lost their organs. Um, have you looked under Michael Jackson's bed lately? -- K. ^ | COULD BE THE DEATH DOT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't answer the phone! The calls are coming from inside Stupidland! Date: Tue, 20 Jul 2004 23:09:29 -0400 Tall Guy 747 (tall_guy747@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [from news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> The BBC's reporter in Lagos, Sola Odunfa, says that the current > > -> scare story is reminiscent of a rumour that spread a few years > > -> ago that a handshake could cause sexual organs to disappear. > > And a high-five could cause your testicles to explode! Oh, if only that worked outside of "Flintstones" cartoons. Or was that waking up a sleepwalker causing them to die unless they thought they were a supervillainous King Tut who acted drunk every time a phone rang while they had to say "Vitameatavegamin" over and over in Schenectady? Also, if I'm wearing gloves when I high-five you, I'm safe. NO GIVEBACKS! -- K. What disappears if the Baby Geniuses kick you in the testicles? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bzap, Bzap, Amen, Bzap. Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 14:12:25 -0400 Hey, look, everybody! It's yet another "laugh at some other country's silly holy man doing what he likes" article! [from hindustantimes.com] -> -> Sadhu 'drinks' electricity for kicks! -> -> Alka Rastogi -> Lucknow, July 17 -> -> 'Current baba' is Uttar Pradesh's shocking new sensation. Believe -> it or not, Sadhu Mangal Das touches a live wire at least thrice a -> day to keep himself intoxicated. And if he also zapped other people with those wires, then he could be a SWITCH! Har har har I JUST GOT HIGH BY MAKING A PUN!!! No, wait, I didn't. Puns are lame. Lamer than those joy buzzers that wind up and don't contain any electrical shocks whatsoever! -> A Thakur by caste, the 54-year-old saint admits he started taking -> a cocktail of stimulants, including ganja, bhang and liquor after -> renouncing the world at the age of 10. While none of these give -> him the kick anymore, Das says his current obsession has brought -> a surge of excitement into his life. I don't know what "bhang" is, but it sure sounds like the loudest drug ever. It'll bhlow your mhind! -> According to the Lalitpur district administration, Das brushed -> against a live wire sometime back and found it so pleasurable -> that he can no longer do without his triple dose of electricity -> every day. He could get one of those old Dr Pepper clocks that says "Drink a bite to eat at 10, 2 and 4 o'clock!" and touch it at 10, 2, and 4 o'clock. -> 'Current baba' seems to know that he's walking a tightrope -> between certain death and an inebriated life. From experience he -> has learnt to touch the naked wire for just a few seconds at a -> time. During this brief contact the current that flows through -> his body is enough to give him a kick, but not enough to fry him -> on the spot. Use the back of your hand, baba-loo. Oh, and another safety rule is to only be holy below the waist. -> Despite Das being physically unharmed by his dangerous addiction -> till now, some residents of Bahorisar village in Lalitpur -> district where he lives, are quite alarmed. While the locals want -> the police to put an end to the bizarre practice, the men in -> khaki express their helplessness in the matter. Why couldn't they just arrest him and then hook electrodes up to his testicles and shock him until he decides to stop getting high from electrical shocks? Oh, right, because it would scare them the way he'd sit there laughing while he burned. -> The cops reportedly gave up plans to arrest Das after taking -> legal advice. Lalitpur's Superintendent of Police says Das cannot -> be booked under any section of the Indian Penal Code. While -> 'consuming' electricity for kicks is certainly unusual, it -> doesn't constitute an offence under law. Since the baba has shown -> no signs of wanting to end his life, no case is made out against -> him for attempted suicide. Neither can he be charged under the -> Narcotic Drugs and Psychotropic Substances Act because he no -> longer takes marijuana, hashish or bhang. Moreover the fact that -> 'Current baba' is revered by many in the area means any action -> the cops take could hurt religious sentiments. And I'm revered by many all over the entire Internet! Quick, get me some live wires so I don't have to turn to bhang! I'm going to prove I'm holier than thou! -> Das' eccentric habit has also left the medical world flummoxed. -> According to Dr Amit Chaturvedi who works at the Lalitpur Civil -> Hospital, the human body can absorb currents up to 12 volts. In -> the baba's case however, repeated exposure to electricity seems -> to have built up his body's tolerance levels to as much as 16 volts. Um. Okay. Can I be King Of Southern Asia if I can survive being charged up with a couple hundred thousand volts? Just buy me a ticket to the Museum Of Science and I'll prove it, assuming they let me bring my own equipment. -> Interestingly Das has tried other grossly unconventional ways of -> getting high. Before he discovered his passion for electrical -> energy, the holy man used to get himself bitten by snakes and -> scorpions. He then took to consuming potions made from poisonous -> seeds and sulphos tablets. It was only after doctors at the Civil -> Hospital warned him of the grave risk to his health, that he -> switched to his 'electrifying' diet! I've never tried any of the things this loser holy man tried before he graduated to electrically-induced endorphins. Sheesh, even I know that drugs are a complete waste of time compared to the zappitude. What a wimp, trying to get high off puny little scorpions. Big baby, taking drugs instead of just hurting himself. I bet he's the only guy in India who's never eaten a hot pepper. -- K. If "12 volts" is lethal, why do we still allow carpets and doorknobs in the same buildings? P.S. Research says that "bhang" is a hot drink made from pot. I suspect that mixing pot and electricity would give you "interrobhang". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bzap, Bzap, Amen, Bzap. Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 23:58:35 -0400 Last week, I wrote: > > Hey, look, everybody! It's yet another "laugh at some other country's > silly holy man doing what he likes" article! > > [from hindustantimes.com] > -> > -> Sadhu 'drinks' electricity for kicks! > -> > -> [...] > -> A Thakur by caste, the 54-year-old saint admits he started taking > -> a cocktail of stimulants, including ganja, bhang and liquor after > -> renouncing the world at the age of 10. While none of these give > -> him the kick anymore, Das says his current obsession has brought > -> a surge of excitement into his life. > > I don't know what "bhang" is, but it sure sounds like the loudest > drug ever. It'll bhlow your mhind! Well, guess what! Today bhang was in the nhews aghain! [from news.bbc.co.uk] => => Teachers 'spiced up' school meals => => Two teachers have been suspended from a primary school in the => Indian state of Chhattisgarh for adding alcohol and drugs to => meals, officials say. => => [...] => => Two of the school's three teachers have been suspended after 91 => pupils aged between five to 11 years old were introduced to the => perils of cannabis and liquor. => => According to the investigating officials, both the accused => teachers were addicted to alcohol, and decided to mix liquor in => the food to make it more tasty. => => The cannabis, officials say, was used to expedite the cooking of => pulses. They say that the drug no doubt raised a few pulses too. "Pulses" means "beans". As to how bhang (also khnown as ghanja) can "expedite" cooking them, it probably just seems like they're cooking faster when you're stoned. => [...] => => "During investigations, we found out that they mixed bhang => capsules (cannabis) in front of the children, telling them that => this is being used to cook the pulses quickly. "Cook The Pulses Quickly" should be the title of a really terrible 1960s freakout comedy where Peter Sellers plays a six-year-old Hindustani who gets hopped up on a mixture of lentils, bhang, and asafetida and then goes on a wild rickshaw ride which ends with him falling into a vat of ghee. => "Both the teachers were alcohol addicts, and it was found on 19 => July that they had also mixed liquor in large quantities into => the rice to make it more tasty. => => "Some small children ate that food, which was later thrown away => because of the smell of alcohol," he said. => => None of the accused teachers was available for comment. Here in America, we've solved this problem by making it so that the teachers don't have to eat the same lousy food as the students. Also, they have the Teacher's Lounge for when they want to get drunk without bothering the kids. -- K. Now that we know what bhang is, could someone please help Don Martin find out what bhoing is? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bzap, Bzap, Amen, Bzap. Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:46:39 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Research says that "bhang" is a hot drink made from pot. > > I suspect that mixing pot and electricity would give you "interrobhang". > > One too many, bub. > > BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! That doesn't work on me, you know. And doing it ten times just gets me high enough to make me want to do it ten times more. In fact, BLAMming me simply makes me win, because it forces you to prove to the world that the only vaguely pun-like thing I made was indeed a bona fide pun. So, NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! NYAH! Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my electricity. -- K. Electricity made King Kong strong enough to beat up Godzilla, and now that I can handle Godzilla, crazed anti-pun people with imaginary shotguns are no problem. OR SHOULD I SAY... NO PRO-"BLAM"! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR ! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bostoniasnaianan camsreas on the street Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 23:36:49 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, with the Democratica National Fuckupeverything coming to Boston, > > someone had the bright idea to hook up all the public camreas into > > one area and give the powers that be full access. > > > > So...any hot Boston chicks will probably have pictures of their hot > > boston chests on the internet. > > There are no hot boston chicks, only hot boston orange haired people. No there aren't. The only hot person in Boston has red hair at the moment. I'm not sure how it photographs, though -- the fluorescent orange hair always showed up weird on video cameras, I don't know if the red-pepper-red I now have is similarly distorted (probably not, as it's not a fluorescent shade. Video cameras and digital cameras weird out when they see fluorescent orange, as I know from my work with orange traffic cones.) I'm hoping the Democratic National Convention next week will lead to some cool riots, because we haven't had any cars getting flipped over and torched since February. I plan to camp out near the local Krispy Kreme just in case it becomes okay to loot, because I heard they just introduced a doughnut-flavored milkshake and there's no way I'd ever buy something that stupid, but hell yeah I'd steal one. -- K. Please suggest other things I should loot if the city chooses to make it easy for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: My visit to the Saigon Market Date: Wed, 21 Jul 2004 23:46:50 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > My daughter and I went to the oriental market yesterday to see what > freaky stuff we could find. > > I found a nice can of Crispy Baby Clam & Anchovy. This can is actually > for my weird canned goods collection, so I will not be opening it, but a > shake reveals no liquid content. It sounds like it is all nicely > dehydrated and therefor high in potential vileitude. I love the clatter those cans make when you shake them. Americans just don't put rock-hard food in cans the way they should. > The daughter picked up one of her favorite snacks. Strawberry flavored > Panda crackers. Very yummy, with a keyutte little panda drawing stamped > on each cracker. Ah, the puffy ones with the pink pus oozing from the inside. Those are good, but not enough to actually be called "good" in a grown-up way. But they're good to give the kids so that the kids will leave your better snacks alone. You should try Pucca, which are fake Goldfish crackers with chocolate goo inside. Their gimmick is that each of the little fish has an eyeball punched through the shell on one side, but the eyeball is at the fish's center of gravity, like so: _______ |\ / \ | \_/ \ | . \ | _ / | / \ / |/ \_______/ That way you can point out to your daughter that it's the only breed of fish that can see out of its belly button. > And the find that inspired this review: > > Nu Dang Fruit Snacks made with 100% real Durian!!! > > They are individually wrapped, little round pieces of Durian fruit > leather. They lack the overpowering aroma of fresh durian, while > retaining a somewhat disturbing, mildly over-ripe fruit scent. They > taste mildy duriany, but I found them to taste more like Pear fruit > leather that was past it's prime. You probably have to rehydrate them first. Try soaking them in your toilet for a few days. > Note that I have tried fresh Durian smoothies (full of yummy flavor and > vile stench) and Durian ice-cream bars (all the flavor, none of the > aroma), but these fruit snacks pale in comparison to the real thing in > both taste and aroma. On the plus side, each package has a cute little > picture of a halved durian and the little cartoon icon that looks like a > cross between a smiling little schoolgirl and one of the mario brothers. The British one, or the Puerto Rican one? This is important because I've seen that movie three times, even though it contains Dennis Hopper. > Sadly, I can't recommend spending the $1.99 for a jar of these, but would > gladly give you a sample, if you get here before they get too old > (although I'm not sure how you could tell when they reach that point). I'll wait until you find a store that has those beef-flavored cookies I like. -- K. For dinner I'm having as many lamb samosa as I want. So there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A form of pointless mayhem I haven't seen anyone trying yet... Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 00:30:16 -0400 Certain on-line shopping sites that only keep a small quantity of each item on hand keep tabs on their inventory in real time, i.e. when you look up item X they'll say "We have 2 of these in stock", and then if you add one of X to your cart it will change to "Only 1 left", and if you add both X's to your cart it will say "Out of stock" and not allow buying any more of them. What I'm getting at is that, with some of these shopping sites, you can just throw random stuff into the imaginary shopping cart, and then all that stuff will be tied up until your poor neglected shopping cart expires (in 20 minutes to 24 hours, depending on the site.) So this means that if you wanted to do bad things to a particular shopping site, you'd write a little program that would just fill up your cart with all the items on the site, and by running the program every few minutes, nobody else would ever be able to buy anything. There doesn't seem to be any good defense -- no matter how quickly the site expires abandoned shopping carts, of course a program could fill up junk carts faster than legitimate shoppers could shop. Requiring shoppers to authenticate themselves before adding things to the cart would just result in nobody buying anything (people don't like to authenticate when they're just window-shopping.) And limiting the number of items per cart wouldn't help because an evil program could just create large numbers of abandoned carts. The only solution for companies that manage their inventory this way would be to drop this silly system of marking items "sold out" when they've been added to the cart, and only debit them from their inventory when someone actually completes a purchase -- this merely risks annoying a legit user once in a while (if something sells out while it's been sitting in their shopping cart looking for more items) but that's the sort of supply issue any real business has to deal with anyhow. But oddly, many sites (particularly smaller ones) do things the "When something is added to someone's cart, it becomes unavailable to everyone else" way, making them vulnerable to this sort of vandalism. The question is, why haven't I heard of evildoers doing this yet? Could it be that I have discovered a brand-new form of evil? If so, why am I posting it here and not in a letter to "2600" magazine? -- K. We need a term for this activity. "Catalogjamming" would be too obvious. And something like "cartcramming" would make people think of "Jackass". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A form of pointless mayhem I haven't seen anyone trying yet... Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 17:38:21 -0400 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Certain on-line shopping sites that only keep a small quantity of > > each item on hand keep tabs on their inventory in real time, i.e. > > when you look up item X they'll say "We have 2 of these in stock", > > and then if you add one of X to your cart it will change to "Only 1 > > left", and if you add both X's to your cart it will say "Out of stock" > > and not allow buying any more of them. > > For you and your puny browser, not for the actual inventory database. That > doesn't get changed until they get your CREDIT CARD VALIDATION CODE!!!1!! > BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I'm trying to explain that all shopping sites _should_ work that way, but I know some that _don't_. Look at it this way: There are thousands of shopping sites out there where the programmers were so stupid that they spent time typing "Please do not enter any hyphens in your phone number as this program cannot accept them because I don't know how to make the computer ignore them" rather than figuring out how to do it right. So do you really think they've all thought about the harder stuff like how to keep jerks from making trouble? Too many people code this stuff as if they're dealing with actual physical shoppers, i.e. "When someone puts it in their basket, it's no longer on the shelf, even though they haven't paid for it yet," because in real stores people don't just throw the basket in the trash and walk out because they got bored with the store's annoying user interface. I agree with you that they should let you shop all you want without debiting their inventory until you fork over the money, but they should also let me type my phone number however I'm going to type it in. Remember, some bad shopping sites are programmed by people who couldn't figure out how to rent a pushcart at the mall. -- K. # this lame little Perl fragment is my gift to humanity if ($original_phone =~ m/^\D*(\d\d\d)\D*(\d\d\d)\D*(\d\d\d\d)\D*$/) { $untainted_and_nicely_formatted_phone = "($1) $2-$3"; } else { print("Stop fucking around trying to break my Web site\n", "by typing in funny-formatted phone numbers from\n", "foreign countries, you Communist shopper.\n"); } ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A form of pointless mayhem I haven't seen anyone trying yet... Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 14:52:28 -0400 Argo (argo@fckyerself.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We need a term for this > > activity. "Catalogjamming" > > would be too obvious. > > And something like > > "cartcramming" would make > > people think of "Jackass". > > > Unshopping I like it. See, folks, this guy gets it. First he said "Cogito Argo Cornstarch", then he said "Unshopping", and now we can see he gets it. Argo, let's go unshopping right now. Suppose Amazon had nothing for sale all week except microscopes. It would be good for the public because so many kids would grow up to be scientists! (Of course, unshopping wouldn't actually work on Amazon because you have to actually purchase something before they deduct it from their inventory, but you still owe me a birthday present, so tell you what, you buy me the first half of Amazon's inventory, and once you've done that, I'll buy the second half.) > -- > God has a hardon for Marines, because we kill everything we see. > He plays His games, we play ours. > -- Lee Ermey, Full Metal Jacket Are you sure you're not confusing him with the drill sergeant from "Brain Candy"? -- K. ...buy me some Gleemonex and Cracker Jack, I don't care if I never come back... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Military watersports in the news Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 17:11:29 -0400 [from www.newscientist.com] -> -> Army rations rehydrated by urine -> -> 19:00 21 July 04 -> -> Would you eat food cooked in your own urine? Food scientists -> working for the US military have developed a dried food ration -> that troops can hydrate by adding the filthiest of muddy swamp -> water or even peeing on it. Could you hydrate it by pouring something even more disgusting over it, like other army food? -> The ration comes in a pouch containing a filter that removes 99.9 -> per cent of bacteria and most toxic chemicals from the water used -> to rehydrate it, according to the Combat Feeding Directorate, (cue Gil Gerard reference: "I'll be darned, the poison's in the packaging!" Then cut to Jack Palance with glowing hands, and Twiki and Dr. Theophilus at a meeting of the Gay Robot Directorate.) -> part of the US Army Soldier Systems Center in Natick, -> Massachusetts. This is the same organisation that created the -> "indestructible sandwich" that will stay fresh for three years -> (New Scientist print edition, 10 April 2002). Sorry, but New Scientist articles don't even stay fresh for two years. -> The aim is to reduce the amount of water soldiers need to carry. -> One day's food supply of three meals, weighs 3.5 kilograms but -> that can be reduced to about 0.4 kilograms with the dehydrated -> pouches, says spokeswoman Diane Wood. -> -> The pouch -- containing chicken and rice initially -- and urine, chicken, urine, rice, and urine later -- -> relies on osmosis to filter the water or urine. When two solutions -> of different concentrations are separated by a semipermeable -> membrane, with gaps that allow only water molecules to pass -> through, the water is drawn to the more concentrated side. Now I know why they call him Maxwell's Demon -- because he tortures people by tricking them into drinking their own urine! (At last we know what sort of Army food they have in Hell.) -> Hungry soldier -> -> The membranes are made of thin sheets of a cellulose-based -> plastic, with gaps between the fibres that are just 0.5 -> nanometres across, too small for bacteria to pass through. "Pass" with an "a", right? -> A hungry soldier pours dirty water into one end of a foil sachet -> containing two inner pouches separated by the membrane. The water -> seeps through the membrane into the dehydrated food on the other -> side. As it dissolves large molecules in the food, it creates a -> very high concentration solution. The osmotic pressure created -> then draws more water through the membrane. Leaving, on the other side, super-pissy urine! The government is looking for a way to make money selling this surplus ultra-concentrated urine, possibly as spray-can cheez. -> Hydration Technology of Albany, Oregon, which makes the membrane, -> says soldiers should only use urine in an absolute emergency -> because the membrane is too coarse to filter out urea. Oh, I see, it filters out "most toxic chemicals", but not the one that actually makes urine toxic and disgusting and like urine instead of just salt water. So does it do anything except keep out any broken glass that might be in your urine? -> The body will not find this toxic over the short term, says Ed -> Beaudry, an engineer with HTI, but rehydrating food this way in -> the long term would cause kidney damage. That's why it should never be used on dehydrated chili beans. -> Duncan Graham-Rowe Some people like dunkin' their grahams in roe, and some like dunkin' their grahams in urine. -- K. The two rules in the New Army: "Don't ask, don't tell." and "Eat it or wear it." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good and Bad Date: Sun, 25 Jul 2004 23:01:25 -0400 John VanSickle (evilsnackKOSHER@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John VanSickle (evilsnackKOSHER@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > This is good: rubbing Bayer Muscle and Joint Cream on your > > > > knee, which has been aching since you went bowling last weekend. > > > > > > What was your score? > > > > First game: > > Me 162 > > Kibo 100-something > > > > Second game: > > Me 149 > > Kibo 150 > > Kibo's all over the place, isn't he? Hey, I didn't _touch_ his knee, if that's what you're implying. (He's not my type. I require less fragility in a knee.) In an absolutely unrelated note, I'd like to mention that yesterday I had one of those new Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blends -- i.e. a doughnut-flavored artificial milkshake. I'm at a loss to describe in what way it was awful, except to say that I have never tasted Bayer Muscle And Joint Creme but I bet it tastes exactly the same. How bad was it? Put it this way -- if "Can't Stop The Music" were released in 2004 instead of 1980, the marketing tie-in would be that the movie would promote Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blends instead of Baskin-Robbins' "Can't Stop The Nuts", and instead of singing "Do The Milkshake, The Milkshake, The Milkshake, Do The Milkshake" the Village People would sing "Do The Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blend, The Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blend, The Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blend, Do The Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blends" and it wouldn't make the song or the movie or the novelty beverage any better or worse. Yes, you heard me right: The Krispy Kreme simulated pastry flavor spoogy white drink is as awful as a Village People movie. -- K. (I'd almost rather eat Valerie Perrine's "lasagna crunch".) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dumb dream, with TV's "Mr. Show With Bob And David" merchandise Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 01:01:34 -0400 Last night I had a dream involving a licensed product based on the TV show "Mr. Show With Bob And David". So I went over to their Web site (www.bobanddavid.com) and filled in the "Ask Bob & David A Question" form. In theory they might actually answer if they ever resume doing that (the last response was posted in May 2002.) Anyway, here's the fact-based fan letter I wrote them about my dream: Dear Bob & David, Last night I had an unusual and non-sexual dream. I dreamt I was reading a "Mr. Show" book which was a collage of free-form comedy (much like "Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok", etc.) It was a large hardcover designed to look like a freshman psychology textbook (inside and out) and was profusely illustrated, although most of the pictures were of Bob made up as The Incredible Hulk. Your imaginary book did its best to play with my mind. For instance, there were a couple pages which were solid white, followed by a couple which were solid black just in case I were to develop the mistaken notion I was supposed to jot notes on the blank ones. The best part was that the last few pages of the book were sheets of trading cards that could be cut out and given to friends I want to annoy. The cards showed reduced-size images of each page in the book. They were along the lines of "Page 27: This is the page after the first one that says 'fart'", "Page 91: See, we really did make it blank on the back side too", and "Page 178: This is where David thinks Bob put one too many pictures of the Incredible Hulk going to the bathroom." At that point I woke up and felt like screaming, so I turned on the TV and there was a "news" show about how delicious pork rinds are. Had the dream gone on another few moments I would have found out how the last few trading cards would have dealt with containing pictures of the pages containing themselves. So did you two actually write this book just to beam it directly into my brain, or is there something else wrong with me? Also, did they really think I didn't already know how delicious pork rinds are? (I mean, I dress entirely in pig leather these days, so I'm familiar with using every part of the pig's skin for every purpose. Can I get an autographed copy of your imaginary book bound in some sort of skin?) I swear on your graves that this is a true story. STUPIDEST DREAM EVER! -- K. Bob and David use way too much toilet humor in my dreams. It's like having a clown in my head. A clown with diarrhea. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream, with TV's "Mr. Show With Bob And David" merchandise Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 13:55:32 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Last night I had a dream involving a licensed product based on the > > TV show "Mr. Show With Bob And David". So I went over to their > > Web site (www.bobanddavid.com) and filled in the "Ask Bob & David > > A Question" form. In theory they might actually answer if they > > ever resume doing that (the last response was posted in May 2002.) > > > > Anyway, here's the fact-based fan letter I wrote them about my dream: > > I, for one, have to say that I hope this is the beginning of a long > and well-documented stalking episode. Nuh-uh. I am not stalking Bob & David. Not even if Jack Black kept appearing on "Mr. Show". Not even if Bob Odenkirk ever dressed up like a cute leatherman with a great catchphrase. Not even if "Mr. Show" came to my town and that guy whose name I can't remember (Brian Posehn) personally gave me the finger. So why is it that Jack Black is going to play the lead in the re-re-make of "King Kong" and then star as the title character in "The Green Lantern"? Is it just the season for insane casting decisions in Hollywood, or does someone have a serious crush on Jack Black? -- K. Incidentally, that stupid dream about the Bob & David potty-humor book disproves Animated Batman's claim that you can't read great literature in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts) Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 14:25:37 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > a friend of mine wants to know if level 3 permanent dark brown hair dye can > be made to last longer the two or three weeks. it *does* seem a little > ridiculous to call something "permanent" when it's actually temporary, > since it washes out so quickly. All dye is temporary. If it doesn't wash out, it'll fade due to sunlight. Especially anything with red in it. (Brown dye tends to contain red pigment.) > base hair color, if that's important to know, is reddish or auburn. > whatever that color is. Is that before or after bleaching? Before or after fading in sun? > there's a noticable amount of fading after the first shampoo, and the color > is totally gone (as I said) after 2-3 weeks. the color lasts longer after a > bleach job, but this is NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SOLUTION. First, you have to accept that in 2-3 weeks you'd need to redo it even if it were as permanent as you'd like it to be, because your hair would grow a lot. Second, yes, it will stick to the hair better if you first damage the hair with bleach. If you don't want to really bleach the hair, a peroxide developer (like a 20-vol cream or whatever) mixed with the dye will also help it soak in. (One of the reasons Manic Panic comes out so fast is that it doesn't have any peroxide. Also because it's relatively weak color, so that you can tell what color it is by looking at it in the jar -- really concentrated dyes will look much darker in their raw state.) Peroxide by itself has a very gentle bleaching effect. (A bleach kit would be peroxide plus something like ammonium persulfate or other extremely caustic chemical.) Basically, you want to get some peroxide cream and some dye (basically water with food coloring in it!) and the peroxide will make the dye go into the hair. Third, plenty will come out after the first shampoo no matter what you do. Try leaving the dye in the hair longer before rinsing it out. (Consider leaving it in for an hour.) I'm told using a hair dryer to bake it into the hair (thus damaging the hair) will also help. A friend has also recommended not washing the hair for the first couple days but I haven't tried that. Do use cold (or luke-warm) water when you wash, not hot (hot water damages the hair, and makes more color wash out.) And absolutely, positively apply a conditioner for color-treated hair after you've done the initial rinsing -- some of these contain ultraviolet blockers to keep it from fading, and of course they all have waxy-type stuff to seal up the hair and keep the dye from migrating onto your pillow as much, and it's especially important to condition bleached hair because otherwise it tends to stick together whenever you dry it. > if there's a specific brand of hair dye for that shade that will last > longer than normal, that could be a helpful bit of information. Go to a beauty-supply store like Sally Beauty Supply (they're everywhere) and get a bottle of 20-vol cream developer (peroxide) and some brown dye. Don't use stuff from the drugstore that comes in kit form. The professional stuff tends to have stronger color (and it's considerably cheaper, too.) Pick up some conditioner for colored hair while you're there. > also, if there's some other treatment (honey? soy sauce?) mustard? ginger? wasabi? durian goop? nutria? Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blends? chewing gum? Try lots of random foods! The worst it could do is not only make you feel like a bozo, but look like one too when all your hair falls out except for the stuff the gum is holding down. > that will allow the color to last longer, that would also be appreciated. > or, for that matter, a shampoo brand that is easier on dyed hair. > surely, you'd think some company would have thought of this... BUT WAIT! > I see their evil plan now! dyes are DELIBERATELY made short-lived to > increase sales volume! we should be glad that "permanent" hair dye > last more than an hour! Hey, there is no permanent red dye in anything, anywhere. Look at the cartons of the VHS tapes facing the sun in Blockbuster if you don't believe me. Tell you what. If you really want permanent hair color, come over here and I'll spray-paint your head with automotive enamel, and then through a series of chemical injections every day for the rest of your life we'll keep the hair from growing so you won't have to re-paint it. Or you could just buy a freakin' wig, you wuss. -- K. Name me one thing in the Universe that really is permanent, other than stupidity. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 15:47:36 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > also, I am older than one of the Terris, but not both. > > > > > > especially not TOGETHER. > > > > But,how would you really know,on account of your mis-remembering > > problem and all? > > um. > > I don't have a MEMORY problem. > > I have a FACIAL RECOGNITION problem. > > which, admittedly, affects my ability to remember faces, but > (as far as I know) numbers are FACELESS. > > the problem with remembering what *I* look like is this: I have a > particular image of the way I look, which, unfortunately, doesn't always > match reality, because my hair might grow longer (if I'm not paying > attention) or my face might get sunburned or something, and then I look > over and think "do I look like THAT?" > > because: facial recognition problem, you see. So Talysman, have you yet reached the stage of prosopagnosia that you get really tired of explaining it? "I need you to find me at the airport -- I won't be able to spot you, because I have prosopagnosia, which is the inability to recognize faces..." "I have trouble remembering what name goes with what face too. Have you tried paying more attention?" "No, it's not even remotely the same thing. Do you go around telling color-blind people to try harder to see colors? The reason this condition is often called 'face-blindness' is that I can't even _perceive_ the face in the first place. My memory is just fine, my eyes are just fine, my cognition is just fine, I simply can't tell your face from, say, your ass." "Oh. So, did you have to go to one of those special schools with all the other retarded kids in your area?" (Sound of someone getting their face broken, or maybe their ass) Every time I dye my hair, I'm startled every time I go past a mirror for the next week or two. But once I absorb the fact that I have hair of some particular vivid color, then at least I have some sort of conception of what I look like. Hair does not count as part of the face as far as neurology goes -- I can recognize hair, not faces. I also recognize eyeglasses, articles of clothing, general color preferences, stride, hand movements, all sorts of little Sherlock Holmes clues most people don't pay that much attention to because they have an automatic alternative. When I look at someone, I have to consciously dissect them looking for these clues because I'm missing the little magical node that just sees a face and goes "Ding! That's so-and-so's face!" Normally I can see faces to some degree, it's just that they don't look special enough to be recognizable -- looking at two faces is like looking at, say, two similar rocks (there have to be accessories or flaws or context around the rocks to make them distinctive enough to tell apart without a deliberate geometric analysis) but I do once in a while momentarily lose the ability to see faces at all, usually after I've been greatly sensorily overstimulated (this means an afternoon at the mall, where there's a constant riot of color and sound.) In such cases, people start turning into parts of the wallpaper and mannequins start turning into people. It's quite interesting, but it can also be a somewhat frustrating state leading to embarassment where I stare at some unrecognizable object trying to figure out what the heck it could be (sculpture? mannequin? poster?) and then I realize it's glowering back at me because it's a live person. Not everyone with prosopagnosia has the same degree of impairment, of course. And since it's some sort of bizarre conceptual disorder rather than, say, an opaque blotch in the middle of one eyeball, I can't just draw a picture and say "My world looks like _this_!" in the same way that you can't draw a picture of what your blind spot looks like -- it simply isn't there. It's not a color, it's not a shape, it doesn't have edges, it's just a place where you understand you can't look, a concept rather than an image. That's the way faces are to me. They're mysterious things that seem to mean something to other people but to me they're one of the least important parts of a person's body, like an elbow or something. The fascinating part is how specific this impairment is -- I can normally see faces in enough detail to be able to describe one (if I'm looking at it), sketch it, and so on. I can see the color of the eyes and I can study the way the muscles move to express emotions (some people with different visual agnosias can recognize faces but _not_ expressions!) But overall it's like looking at a rock or a cloud or a wad of cookie dough -- I'm seeing something that just doesn't seem distinctive, even when I'm looking in the mirror. Some prosopagnosiacs don't believe in cosmetics and hair styling because faces are so unimportant to them, and some prosopagnosiacs go the opposite route of adopting highly recognizable looks so they can have an easier self-description. Last year I was "police jacket, hockey jersey, nerd glasses, period haircut" and now I'm "black leather, sunglasses, brilliantly-colored hair." Maybe next year I'll wear a Barney costume all the time. -- K. OR MAYBE I'LL JUST SNAP AND START STAPLING NAMETAGS TO PEOPLE'S FACES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:07:27 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Okay, so here's the part I don't get: Given your prosopagnosia, how do > > you account for what appears to be an encyclopedic knowledge of > > B-movie actors, third-tier comedians, and TV sitcom bit characters? I > > would think you would be the guy forever saying, "You know the guy I > > mean? He was in that one show that time? You know, with the pony? And > > the girl? What's his name?" > > most of those people are *character actors*, and they are hired for the > peculiar uniquenesses of their faces. they don't look like all you other > clones. plus, don't overlook voice and gesture data. And the stylized way people are presented in movies and on TV shows. Think about it: In real life, people's heads are oriented any which way, the bad lighting is constantly changing, etc., whereas in movies, they're all in three-quarter view all the time, they're all carefully-lit, they're wearing pancake makeup, their hair is carefully styled, and so on. > I tend not to memorize names of actors, but I can recognize a lot of > those character actors. like, there was a recent thread when Kibo > mentioned Al Molinara (?) and I didn't know who that was, until he (Kibo) > said "he was Al on `Happy Days'" and I got a pretty distinct visual image > of his face, because yes, he's got a face that only a faceblind person > could love. Al Molinaro with an "o" and a giant schnoz. The On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Frozen Entree spokesman, as well as Murray The Cop on "The Odd Couple". And hell yes, anyone like us can recognize his _insane_ nose from a mile away. > same way with that one guy who played a barkeep on Star Trek's "The > Trouble With Tribbles" episode. when I saw the Twilight Zone Movie, it > was obvious to me that he was playing the father of the kid who took Bill > Mumy's place. I recognize *him*, even though I don't remember that his > name is William Schallert without looking it up in IMDB. William Schallert wasn't the barkeep -- he was Nilz Baris, the Federation representative. The barkeep looked vaguely similar enough (in terms of hair color and facial shape) that I can see why you'd conflate them. STOP CONFLATING WILLIAM SCHALLERT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND HER IDENTICAL BUT EVIL TWIN SISTER! > this is one reason why I don't like many hollywood blockbusters. > beginning sometime in the '70s, hollywood started breeding "perfect > actors" who all looked as closely alike as possible. I first noticed a > problem when I tried to watch "Eye of the Needle". I saw the first half > of that movie *twice* and I couldn't figure out who was killing whom. > another movie I had a problem with was "L. A. Confidential". apparently, > not being able to tell the difference between Guy Pearce and Russell > Penguine makes the plot unintelligible. Yeah, I hate movies that have three or four people who all wish they were Pierce Brosnan. Part of this is that they want to get "someone like Pierce Brosnan" to play the lead, and then they send out a casting call, and then to save money they give all the rejects supporting roles. > superhero movies are different, of course, because they wear costumes. > the whole *point* of wearing a costume is to make you easily > identifiable. Yeah, but I still say that if someone made a movie where all the actors were wearing hooded black bodysuits all the time, it would actually make it easier for me to tell them apart (by cutting down on the extra channels of information that just confuse me, and making it easier to focus on body language, which is very important for me.) With masks, everything works backwards for me -- if everyone put on a Darth Vader mask, most people would have problems because they would normally rely on instantaneous facial recognition, whereas those of us who have to deliberately analyze details of what we see would be noticing which mask has a little nick above the left eye, which mask has some scratches on the right cheek, etc. It's a disorder that makes you study everything closely. We naturally become art critics. I think prosopagnosia also tends to make people collect things, and be fascinated by any concept involving variations on a theme. -- K. (I'll wager I can recognize more printers' typefaces than just about anyone. Too bad there's no way to be paid to do that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 00:51:18 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > So Talysman, have you yet reached the stage of prosopagnosia that you > > get really tired of explaining it? > > not quite yet, because I only just started to tell people I'm faceblind. > the big-ass prosopagnosia discussion here in ARK some time ago -- the one > that devolved into bitter recriminations -- was my "coming out". [...] > > prior to that ARK post, the most I ever explained my condition was to say > "I have problems recognizing people". no one ever asked any questions > about what I meant by that, probably because they didn't care. I think it's more likely because everyone considers themselves to be bad at "matching names to faces". For some reason, everyone who hasn't memorized the mugshots and vital stats of everyone they've ever met has been convinced they're somehow subnormal. Someday I'd like to meet whoever actually has photographic memory and curse them out for making all the normals feel insecure about having the normal hit-or-miss memory. > and until about 5-8 years ago, I didn't even know what faceblindness > *was*, and I believed all that bullshit about how it's some kinf of > memory or attention problem. I was very into memory systems, like the > Bruno Furst memory course they used to advertise in Scientific American > twenty-some years ago. but, of course, I don't have a *memory* problem, > so those courses didn't improve my facial recognition. really, my memory > is pretty good, especially in a few Rainman-esque areas. for example, for > 80-90% of the 2,000+ movies I've seen, I can remember where I was when I > saw it, in reasonably vivid detail. this of course is completely useless > information: why would I need to know that I watched 2001 the first time > on a black-and-white tv in my bedroom in Rantoul, Illinois, or that after > my parents went to bed, I snuck out and got to see the psychedelic ending > in full color on the console tv my dad built from a kit he ordered from > Heathkit? why would I need to know that I watched Krull on a 13-inch > color portable that I drug into the backyard when I was living in > Lincoln, California? also, if my memory of my tv-watching environment is > so ridiculously detailed, why can't I remember which movie I was watching > when I was attacked by baby frogs on the back porch of that same house? Oh, oh, oh, I just gotta know about the baby frog attack. How did you survive? > I'm about to have an interesting experiencing this weekend, I believe. > some art therapy student wants to meet with me about a facial recognition > study. I figured it would be interesting, mainly to have some kind of > formal assessment of my prosopagnosia. I'm not so sure about this > person's thesis, since I quite frankly think that teaching people to draw > isn't going to cure faceblindness. I'm not much of an artist, but I'm > better than average; I wanted to be a cartoonist at one point. oddly > enough, although she asked for a case history on my faceblindness, she > didn't ask if I had an art background. hmmm. also, she arranged to meet > me in a public place, WITHOUT TELLING ME HOW SHE WILL BE DRESSED. or any > other method of recognition. Well, see, one of the rules is that she has to meet you in a public place so that she can escape if you turn out to be a psycho. I remember that in seventh or eighth grade we had to do that silly art-class exercise from "Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain" where we had to copy a drawing of a face that was right-side-up, and then again when it was upside-down to get us to focus more on technique and quality of line after the face was changed into an abstract collection of curves. I found it pointless because turning the face upside-down didn't change the way I perceived it at all. It was one of those "this is supposed to freak you out" learning experiences that just didn't work. (I am immune to certain optical illusions involving faces, but not others.) > my particular condition is probably not very severe. there are certain > facial features that I can recognize; I can remember if someone has a > very acquiline nose, for example, or a jutting unibrow. and people that I > see a lot of occasionally "stick", and I can picture their faces, > although there are always fuzzy parts. also, although I don't recognize > people immediately, some people I will recognize after 10-15 minutes, > after all the damage is done. Yeah, I can recognize certain people at certain times too, but it's not easy. Remembering Boolean attributes of faces is certainly possible ("has broken nose", "has brown eyes", etc.) but if you asked me to describe someone to a police sketch-artist, I couldn't do it except for those one or two special attributes, even if I was told to describe myself or my own mother. I could get the hair color and that would be about it, because when I'm not looking at a face it just goes away, never having gotten interpreted as a chunk of face data to be placed into memory. If I look at a face, I can analyze it and describe it, but I still have little chance of recognizing it unless it has some distinctive feature. Like you, I have a strong visual memory, and I've found that I can recognize people in photos far more easily than I can recognize three-dimensional people, especially if I've ever seen the photo before. So I just need to get people to wear nametags with their own mugshot on them (you know, like on the second season of "Space: 1999") because if they always have the same mugshot, I can recognize that. Recognizing a photo I've seen before -- whether it's a face or a Mark Rothko abstract -- is a snap compared to recognizing a moving, changing human face. Don't get me started about why I don't just recognize people by their voices. (My auditory agnosia is less severe than my prosopagnosia, but just as complicatedly specific. You may have noticed that the only music I can enjoy consists of soundtracks to TV shows and movies. I am the person who _needs_ music videos.) -- K. I still think everything would be easier for me if you guys wore Darth Vader masks at all times. Please? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 15:04:14 -0400 [from washingtonmonthly.com] -> -> July 27, 2004 -> -> Guest:ÊAmy Sullivan -> -> NOW THAT WAS BRIGHT....With all of the headlines and commotion -> about strict security at this year's political conventions you -> would think that someone would have thought twice about the decision -> to place boxes of Gillette razors in each of the welcome bags handed -> out with credentials to delegates and press types in Boston. -> Boston-based Gillette reportedly spent over a million dollars on -> the product placement, only to have: a) their products unused as -> all of the razors were confiscated when convention-goers attempted -> to pass through security; and b) their name taken in vain repeatedly -> because the already-long security lines became even more backed-up -> due to the razor snafu. Might we suggest substituting a nice -> moisturizer instead next time? Yadda yadda yadda "shaved Bush". Har har har. Has Gillette started giving out razors from the 1890s, or is there a lethal way to use a Gillette Triple-Trac safety razor I don't know about? I can't even get the damn things to cut my beard, so I doubt there's any way they could get through John Kerry's weirdly rumpled skin. (Is it my imagination, or is he the first politician whose Spitting Image puppet would actually look like him?) -- K. Also, is it just me, or are there other people in Boston who are unimpressed when they see more than seven fireworks shows in the same summer? Such a waste of destructive power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 23:47:18 -0400 Yesterday, I reported on how all attendees of the Democratic convention here in Boston were given free safety razors, which were then confiscated. As part of my standard followup research for every wacky item I post, I dug up the official list of what's prohibited: [from www.dems2004.org] -> -> Convention security is a collaborative effort between the United -> States Secret Service, the Boston Police Department, the Boston -> Fire Department, the DNCC and numerous other agencies. The 2004 -> Democratic Convention is designated a "National Security Special -> Event" and access to the FleetCenter will be limited to properly -> credentialed persons who will be required to pass through a -> metal detector. -> -> In order to provide a safe and enjoyable Convention, the -> Democratic National Convention Committee (DNCC) has determined -> that the following items and / or class of items are prohibited -> within the 2004 Democratic National Convention site in Boston, -> MA on July 26 - 29. -> -> Weapons Oh good! Well, that must be the end of the list, since it includes everything that could be used to hurt people, and -- oh, wait, there's more. -> Knives (regardless of size) What, even my fifteen-foot-long Mass Decapitator? -> Explosives What about people with really bad gas? Teddy Kennedy needs to know! -> Fireworks Explosives, nyet, fireworks, nyet. But what about duds, huh? They don't explode! And they don't look pretty! Therefore they're neither explosives nor fireworks! They should ban both regular duds and the even deadlier Milk Duds! -> Umbrellas Dudes, Burgess Meredith isn't going to hurt anyone. He's still dead. -> Poles and Sticks Lech Walesa, go home! -> Laser lights and laser pointers All CD players include lasers. I guess to comply with the rules, conventiongoers will have to bring iPods full of stolen music. -> Coolers Bartles and Jaymes, go home! -> Containers of any type -- bottles / cans / spray containers Is a pocket a container? Is a mouth a container? -> Aerosols DON'T DESTROY THE DEMOCRATS' OZONE!!! -> Mace / pepper spray Most hot dogs are seasoned with mace. Don't the Democrats like wieners? -> Tripods for cameras* Other types of tripods are okay, such as tripods for sniper rifles. -> Sharp and/or pointed objects, scissors / knitting needles etc. Ice cream cones are pointy. Dear Democrats, why do you hate Good Humor? -> Leatherman or similar tools Well, if I can't bring my favorite leatherman, then the two of us are staying home. -> Plastic replica of weapons Die-cast metal replicas are okay. -> Flashlights unless authorized by the DNCC Departments of -> Production or Security They're tired of Joel Hodgson's hand puppets shouting "CBS Mystery Movie!" -> Voice-enhancement devices such as bull horns* NOBODY! ELSE! IS! ALLOWED! TO! TALK! LIKE! JOHN! KERRY! DALEKS! GO! HOME! Also... nobody? ELSE!!!! Is-allow... ED!!! To? Talk? Like? THER!!! (esa) Heinz? Kerr....... Y!!!!!!! (Seriously, I've heard more fluid diction on Salvador Dali's "How To Speak English" record.) -> Noise-makers such as air horns, whistles, drums unless -> authorized by DNCC officials -> -> Banners, signs, or placards OH NO! IT WOULD COMPLETELY RUIN THE POLITICAL CONVENTION IF ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HELD UP A SIGN!!! -> No unopened envelopes or packages will be permitted inside the -> 2004 Democratic National Convention perimeter. All items must -> be opened and available for inspection / screening. I'll leave the flap open on my envelope of nude photos of Ross Perot's daughter. -> *Does not apply to media. I understand why they need tripods, but why do they need bullhorns? Does Katie Couric need to yell "WUXTRY, WUXTRY!"? -> Delegates and guests to the Convention should anticipate -> individual security screening and credential checks prior to -> boarding Delegate buses, when entering the Convention site -> perimeter and magnetometer inspection and credential checks -> before entering the Fleet Center. If a Delegate or guest is -> found in possession of any of the prohibited items noted above, -> the individual will not be admitted onto a Delegate bus or into -> the Convention site. The DNCC will not accept or be responsible -> for the storage of any prohibited item. ...because then they'd have to put it into a container. A CONTAINER! EVIL! CONTAINERS ARE EVIL!!! -> When entering the site, Delegates and visitors will pass through -> magnetometers. This process can be comfortable and accelerated -> if individuals do not bring large or wrapped items. Personal -> items are subject to x-ray and hand inspections. Call me when the "hand inspections" also become comfortable. Those guards have cold hands. -- K. So let's see. No way am I voting for Bush, and no way am I voting for Kerry, and no way am I voting for whatever's left of Ralph Nader, so it looks like this year I'll be doing a write-in vote for Fuck You. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 19:30:57 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Has Gillette started giving out razors from the 1890s, or is there a > > lethal way to use a Gillette Triple-Trac safety razor I don't know about? > > It's a little known fact that you can acutally shave > a person to death. It's sorta like slowly boiling a > frog, except that with a safety razor, you not only > notice the pain, it hurts like hell. People usually > beat the living crap out of their shaving assailant > before he gets very far, which is why this type > of assault is rarely reported. I would think it would be _often_ reported if they always beat up the guy holding the razor. The real reason it's never reported is that it's always lethal. Ask any Motel 6 employee how many shaved corpses they find in an average day. (It has to be a Motel 6, because Holiday Inns have the beds mounted on those wooden boxes you can't tie someone to.) > Plus it's really embarrassing to admit to the police > that you just let some random bozo come up and > start shaving you. You're also overlooking that maybe it's the police who enjoy shaving people to death. Check any LAPD officer's utility belt and I bet you'll find a Gillette Triple-Trac right between the hollow-point bullets and the plastic dagger, next to the fart powder. -- K. If you don't believe me, ask any cop to inspect your bikini zone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Olympic Sex Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 19:42:00 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > From Yahoo's oddly enough: > > > > > > > > "In the Sydney 2000 Games, each competing athlete > > > > was given 51 condoms on arrival at the Olympic Village, > > > > but another 20,000 had to be shipped in when supplies > > > > began to run low." > > > > > > > > I'm figuring the Scandalnavian countries were trading > > > > herring for condoms. Also, you have to wonder about > > > > the "51 condoms" figure. "Lets give them 50 condoms > > > > each, and then one more in case they get lucky." > > > > > > September 15 through October 1: 17 days, 51 meals, 51 condoms. > > > > must be pretty damn weird meals, if you have to wear a condom to eat > > them. > > Those aren't condoms. They're latex doggie bags. POOR SPOT! Anyway, the big question is who is giving the all the athletes in the world these free condoms. Is it a conspiracy to keep down the population of well-muscled people so that the nerds will someday take over the Earth and seize control of all museums and National Public Radio and even Microsoft? -- K. What brand of condoms do athletes use? What flavor? And regular or "snuggies"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIDS: Can't live with them, but you CAN eat them. Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 21:31:58 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Overheard at the Art Institute gift shop on Saturday: > > "Mommie, is all of this art?" Oddly, the very next day, I was at the RISDI museum and I realized I would never again need to read the little caption next to any piece of allegedly avant-garde art: This ____________ playfully challenges the established concept of what a ____________ should be. As in, "This spoon with a hole in it playfully challenges the established concept of what an eating utensil should be." "This blank canvas playfully challenges the established concept of what a mural should be." "This vacant lot playfully challenges the established concept of what a museum should be." "This curator playfully challenges the concept of what a pleasant cheese aroma should be." "This caption playfully challenges the concept of what a caption should be, you idiot." Substitute "cleverly questions the conventional notion", "audaciously shatters the visitor's expectations", or other such catchphrases if the item is sufficiently avant-garde to merit a slightly original formulaic caption. Feel free to join in any time. You, too, may not be an artist, but you can be a professional art captioner. -- K. There's one item at the Museum Of Science captioned something like "DESCRIPTIVE TEXT TO COME." Lazy bastards. The Museum Of Science playfully challenges the concept of what an art museum should be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boring stories. Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 16:03:13 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > A number of breweries are now serving "wacky beer", eg chocolate > beer, chilli beer, banana beer. What the HELL is up with chilli beer? Well, see, you can get drunk by drinking several regular beers, or you can get drunk quicker by drinking hot sauce, so combining the two should get anyone so drunk they don't realize they're paying extra for wacky beer. The difference is that chili pepper can get you very high very fast but for very short periods of time, while beer is for a mild slow buzz that makes you act slightly stupid for a few hours. Of course, to get high from chili pepper, you have to get past "Ow! That hurts!" into "C'mon and hurt me, baby!" Ah, endorphins. Did they put enough of it into the beer to make it zing you like that, or did they just add a little to make the beer taste better? (I find that a few drops of hot sauce in a glass of Coke makes it much more flavorful.) > With a name that suggests the beer will taste revolting, you think it > must taste the opposite, otherwise why would they serve it? Well I do > anyway. But here's the catch; it actually tastes WORSE. It is HORRIBLE. Yeah, well, I bet you're one of those people who eats cheese. > I don't know why they don't just make dog shit beer or > something; it would be cheaper, it sounds equally unappetising and it > surely couldn't taste any worse. Well it probably would, but you get > my drift I hope. In my view, adding chili pepper to beer could only be an improvement. Chili pepper is an improvement even when added to things that already taste good, and in terms of stuff that tastes icky like regular beer I bet it would be a huge improvement. Here's an interesting one. Know those new Listerine PocketPaks? The little green squares of gelatin that look like the stamp hinges you used to almost swallow when you collected stamps as a kid? One flavor of those goes really great with powdered chili pepper. It's an exquisitely interesting sort of sugar-lemon-ginger-chili combination, very Thai. Doesn't work so well with the mint-flavored breath strips, but with the Listerine FreshBurst flavor it's heavenly. That's right, chili pepper can even make Listerine products taste good. But remember, you want the FreshBurst flavored PocketPaks, not the urine-flavored ones. -- K. Regular beer is for babies. Drunk babies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: not the Gillette thread, but an incredible simulation (was: Boring stories.) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:19:04 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) writes: > > > > [...] Stupid razor. The lesson here is, I think, make sure the > > number of blades on your razor is somewhere between 2 and 5 inclusive. > > I think Gillette is on the Mach 13 now -- 13 blades, one strip of sticky > lotion-like substance, and so much shaving power it all over you screen. > When you're done, hawt chyxxorz in pyjamas come in and rub your face while > you smile ruggedly into the mirror. My razor must be broken. All I ever get is the fat guy from "Far Out Space Nuts" bellowing "Hi, Guy!" > The women's razors are really getting out of hand. They're the same as > the men's, but they're purple or pink, and one has a handle with this > teardrop design that looks distinctly like a clitoris. The women's razors > cost more, too, presumably because of the international embargo on pink > dye. Women's razors and electric hair trimmers cost more than men's (or unisex ones) but dog hair trimmers cost even more than women's. That's odd, given that the ones for dogs are the same as the ones for people except without the various plastic attachments. As I once mentioned, I paid $20 for a people hair trimmer for myself and then I saw an identical one being sold for dogs at $40, except the price was misprinted at Walgreen's as $4 so I got a bargain. Now I just need to get a dog to use it on. Anyone got a spare fuzzdog? > Gillette has a woman's razor called the "Intuition". I can't remember > being so offended by a piece of plastic. I hear they plan to market a "Women's Personal Razor" consisting of a big pink vibrating dildo with a razor blade duct-taped to the end. -- K. This "Star Wars" craze is really something! They just came out with a razor endorsed by Chewbacca. You know who Chewbacca is? This razor's endorsed by Chewbacca, and it's called "Chewbacca Ate My BLANK." (wacky music plays while we wait for Brett Somers) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cops In Libraries Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:30:53 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So I was sitting on one of the many chairs near the front entrance of the > library. And in comes a cop. Uniform and everything. Including a big, nasty > looking gun. And he just casually strolls by. But his eyes were this way and > that way. He was looking for something. That's what skilled cops do. They can't _not_ look at everything that's around them. They never miss a thing. Cops only need to sit through a Kubrick movie once. > I think he was looking for bad guys. Maybe he was looking for bad boys. Did you see which way the construction worker and Indian went? (We got separated at the Xerox machine.) -- K. Did you ask if you could touch his gun? They love it when you do that, especially if you then break into a chant of "THIS IS MY RIFLE AND THIS IS MY GUN..."