From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream, with TV's "Mr. Show With Bob And David" merchandise Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 13:55:32 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Last night I had a dream involving a licensed product based on the > > TV show "Mr. Show With Bob And David". So I went over to their > > Web site (www.bobanddavid.com) and filled in the "Ask Bob & David > > A Question" form. In theory they might actually answer if they > > ever resume doing that (the last response was posted in May 2002.) > > > > Anyway, here's the fact-based fan letter I wrote them about my dream: > > I, for one, have to say that I hope this is the beginning of a long > and well-documented stalking episode. Nuh-uh. I am not stalking Bob & David. Not even if Jack Black kept appearing on "Mr. Show". Not even if Bob Odenkirk ever dressed up like a cute leatherman with a great catchphrase. Not even if "Mr. Show" came to my town and that guy whose name I can't remember (Brian Posehn) personally gave me the finger. So why is it that Jack Black is going to play the lead in the re-re-make of "King Kong" and then star as the title character in "The Green Lantern"? Is it just the season for insane casting decisions in Hollywood, or does someone have a serious crush on Jack Black? -- K. Incidentally, that stupid dream about the Bob & David potty-humor book disproves Animated Batman's claim that you can't read great literature in a dream. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dumb dream, with TV's "Mr. Show With Bob And David" merchandise Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 03:45:56 -0400 Tall Guy 747 (tall_guy747@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So why is it that Jack Black is going to play the lead in the > > > re-re-make of "King Kong" and then star as the title character > > > in "The Green Lantern"? Is it just the season for insane > > > casting decisions in Hollywood, or does someone have a serious > > > crush on Jack Black? > > > > Jack Black provides the cocaine for half the stuidos in existence. > > Jack Black should *consume" half the cocaine in existence. It's the only > way he'd be actually tolerable to watch. YOU TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SUCH A PLONKING YOU LOUT WHO DOES NOT APPRECIATE THE CLASSIC BEAUTY OF JACK BLACK AND HIS HIGHLY AROUSING MANIA AND WHO MATCHES QUOTE MARKS TO ASTERISKS AND ENCOURAGES CELEBRITIES TO DO DRUGS THEY DON'T NEED! IF YOU EVER, EVER, E!V!E!R! DIS JACK BLACK AGAIN, I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM AND THEN SEND HIM OVER TO PUT THE SPASTIC KUNG FU ALL OVER YOU! ALSO, STOP BEING SHOUTED AT!!! -- K. (he's not just dreamy, he's spaztacular!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts) Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 14:25:37 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > a friend of mine wants to know if level 3 permanent dark brown hair dye can > be made to last longer the two or three weeks. it *does* seem a little > ridiculous to call something "permanent" when it's actually temporary, > since it washes out so quickly. All dye is temporary. If it doesn't wash out, it'll fade due to sunlight. Especially anything with red in it. (Brown dye tends to contain red pigment.) > base hair color, if that's important to know, is reddish or auburn. > whatever that color is. Is that before or after bleaching? Before or after fading in sun? > there's a noticable amount of fading after the first shampoo, and the color > is totally gone (as I said) after 2-3 weeks. the color lasts longer after a > bleach job, but this is NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SOLUTION. First, you have to accept that in 2-3 weeks you'd need to redo it even if it were as permanent as you'd like it to be, because your hair would grow a lot. Second, yes, it will stick to the hair better if you first damage the hair with bleach. If you don't want to really bleach the hair, a peroxide developer (like a 20-vol cream or whatever) mixed with the dye will also help it soak in. (One of the reasons Manic Panic comes out so fast is that it doesn't have any peroxide. Also because it's relatively weak color, so that you can tell what color it is by looking at it in the jar -- really concentrated dyes will look much darker in their raw state.) Peroxide by itself has a very gentle bleaching effect. (A bleach kit would be peroxide plus something like ammonium persulfate or other extremely caustic chemical.) Basically, you want to get some peroxide cream and some dye (basically water with food coloring in it!) and the peroxide will make the dye go into the hair. Third, plenty will come out after the first shampoo no matter what you do. Try leaving the dye in the hair longer before rinsing it out. (Consider leaving it in for an hour.) I'm told using a hair dryer to bake it into the hair (thus damaging the hair) will also help. A friend has also recommended not washing the hair for the first couple days but I haven't tried that. Do use cold (or luke-warm) water when you wash, not hot (hot water damages the hair, and makes more color wash out.) And absolutely, positively apply a conditioner for color-treated hair after you've done the initial rinsing -- some of these contain ultraviolet blockers to keep it from fading, and of course they all have waxy-type stuff to seal up the hair and keep the dye from migrating onto your pillow as much, and it's especially important to condition bleached hair because otherwise it tends to stick together whenever you dry it. > if there's a specific brand of hair dye for that shade that will last > longer than normal, that could be a helpful bit of information. Go to a beauty-supply store like Sally Beauty Supply (they're everywhere) and get a bottle of 20-vol cream developer (peroxide) and some brown dye. Don't use stuff from the drugstore that comes in kit form. The professional stuff tends to have stronger color (and it's considerably cheaper, too.) Pick up some conditioner for colored hair while you're there. > also, if there's some other treatment (honey? soy sauce?) mustard? ginger? wasabi? durian goop? nutria? Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Flavor Frozen Blends? chewing gum? Try lots of random foods! The worst it could do is not only make you feel like a bozo, but look like one too when all your hair falls out except for the stuff the gum is holding down. > that will allow the color to last longer, that would also be appreciated. > or, for that matter, a shampoo brand that is easier on dyed hair. > surely, you'd think some company would have thought of this... BUT WAIT! > I see their evil plan now! dyes are DELIBERATELY made short-lived to > increase sales volume! we should be glad that "permanent" hair dye > last more than an hour! Hey, there is no permanent red dye in anything, anywhere. Look at the cartons of the VHS tapes facing the sun in Blockbuster if you don't believe me. Tell you what. If you really want permanent hair color, come over here and I'll spray-paint your head with automotive enamel, and then through a series of chemical injections every day for the rest of your life we'll keep the hair from growing so you won't have to re-paint it. Or you could just buy a freakin' wig, you wuss. -- K. Name me one thing in the Universe that really is permanent, other than stupidity. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 15:47:36 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > also, I am older than one of the Terris, but not both. > > > > > > especially not TOGETHER. > > > > But,how would you really know,on account of your mis-remembering > > problem and all? > > um. > > I don't have a MEMORY problem. > > I have a FACIAL RECOGNITION problem. > > which, admittedly, affects my ability to remember faces, but > (as far as I know) numbers are FACELESS. > > the problem with remembering what *I* look like is this: I have a > particular image of the way I look, which, unfortunately, doesn't always > match reality, because my hair might grow longer (if I'm not paying > attention) or my face might get sunburned or something, and then I look > over and think "do I look like THAT?" > > because: facial recognition problem, you see. So Talysman, have you yet reached the stage of prosopagnosia that you get really tired of explaining it? "I need you to find me at the airport -- I won't be able to spot you, because I have prosopagnosia, which is the inability to recognize faces..." "I have trouble remembering what name goes with what face too. Have you tried paying more attention?" "No, it's not even remotely the same thing. Do you go around telling color-blind people to try harder to see colors? The reason this condition is often called 'face-blindness' is that I can't even _perceive_ the face in the first place. My memory is just fine, my eyes are just fine, my cognition is just fine, I simply can't tell your face from, say, your ass." "Oh. So, did you have to go to one of those special shools with all the other retarded kids in your area?" (Sound of someone getting their face broken, or maybe their ass) Every time I dye my hair, I'm startled every time I go past a mirror for the next wek or two. But once I absorb the fact that I have hair of some particular vivid color, then at least I have some sort of conception of what I look like. Hair does not count as part of the face as far as neurology goes -- I can recognize hair, not faces. I also recognize eyeglasses, articles of clothing, general color preferences, stride, hand movements, all sorts of little Sherlock Holmes clues most people don't pay that much attention to because they have an automatic alternative. When I look at someone, I have to consciously dissect them looking for these clues because I'm missing the little magical node that just sees a face and goes "Ding! That's so-and-so's face!" Normally I can see faces to some degree, it's just that they don't look special enough to be recognizable -- looking at two faces is like looking at, say, two similar rocks (there have to be accessories or flaws or context around the rocks to make them distinctive enough to tell apart without a deliberate geometric analysis) but I do once in a while momentarily lose the ability to see faces at all, usually after I've been greatly sensorily overstimulated (this means an afternoon at the mall, where there's a constant riot of color and sound.) In such cases, people start turning into parts of the wallpaper and mannequins start turning into people. It's quite interesting, but it can also be a somewhat frustrating state leading to embarassment where I stare at some unrecognizable object trying to figure out what the heck it could be (sculpture? mannequin? poster?) and then I realize it's glowering back at me because it's a live person. Not everyone with prosopagnosia has the same degree of impairment, of course. And since it's some sort of bizarre conceptual disorder rather than, say, an opaque blotch in the middle of one eyeball, I can't just draw a picture and say "My world looks like _this_!" in the same way that you can't draw a picture of what your blind spot looks like -- it simply isn't there. It's not a color, it's not a shape, it doesn't have edges, it's just a place where you understand you can't look, a concept rather than an image. That's the way faces are to me. They're mysterious things that seem to mean something to other people but to me they're one of the least important parts of a person's body, like an elbow or something. The fascinating part is how specific this impairment is -- I can normally see faces in enough detail to be able to describe one (if I'm looking at it), sketch it, and so on. I can see the color of the eyes and I can study the way the muscles move to express emotions (some people with different visual agnosias can recognize faces but _not_ expressions!) But overall it's like looking at a rock or a cloud or a wad of cookie dough -- I'm seeing something that just doesn't seem distinctive, even when I'm looking in the mirror. Some prosopagnosiacs don't believe in cosmetics and hair styling because faces are so unimportant to them, and some prosopagnosiacs go the opposite route of adopting highly recognizable looks so they can have an easier self-description. Last year I was "police jacket, hockey jersey, nerd glasses, period haircut" and now I'm "black leather, sunglasses, brilliantly-colored hair." Maybe next year I'll wear a Barney costume all the time. -- K. OR MAYBE I'LL JUST SNAP AND START STAPLING NAMETAGS TO PEOPLE'S FACES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 02:09:43 -0400 Chris Franks (cfranks@citycom.com) wrote: > > Talysman, if you were confused watching the music video "Addicted > to Love" with Robert Palmer, that was normal. Maybe the way that > looks to the rest of us is how everyone looks to you. What about the construction worker's "I Love You To Death" number in "Can't Stop The Music"? That confuses me because not only do all the early-Eighties gals look identical, but they're also identical to the Robert Palmer girls, and also the construction worker is apparently a straight misogynist for the duration of that video. After watching the Village People's movie, you'll be confused in strange new ways. -- K. I firmly believe that that movie is the main reason "Bruce" became the gayest name ever. (Yeah, I know that they changed The Incredible Hulk's real name from "Bruce Banner" to "David Banner" two years before that movie because "Bruce" had already become an unpopular name with homophobes, but I can't figure out why it picked up that association, so let's just blame it on Bruce Jenner and his old nose.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:07:27 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Okay, so here's the part I don't get: Given your prosopagnosia, how do > > you account for what appears to be an encyclopedic knowledge of > > B-movie actors, third-tier comedians, and TV sitcom bit characters? I > > would think you would be the guy forever saying, "You know the guy I > > mean? He was in that one show that time? You know, with the pony? And > > the girl? What's his name?" > > most of those people are *character actors*, and they are hired for the > peculiar uniquenesses of their faces. they don't look like all you other > clones. plus, don't overlook voice and gesture data. And the stylized way people are presented in movies and on TV shows. Think about it: In real life, people's heads are oriented any which way, the bad lighting is constantly changing, etc., whereas in movies, they're all in three-quarter view all the time, they're all carefully-lit, they're wearing pancake makeup, their hair is carefully styled, and so on. > I tend not to memorize names of actors, but I can recognize a lot of > those character actors. like, there was a recent thread when Kibo > mentioned Al Molinara (?) and I didn't know who that was, until he (Kibo) > said "he was Al on `Happy Days'" and I got a pretty distinct visual image > of his face, because yes, he's got a face that only a faceblind person > could love. Al Molinaro with an "o" and a giant schnoz. The On-Cor Two-Pound Family-Size Frozen Entree spokesman, as well as Murray The Cop on "The Odd Couple". And hell yes, anyone like us can recognize his _insane_ nose from a mile away. > same way with that one guy who played a barkeep on Star Trek's "The > Trouble With Tribbles" episode. when I saw the Twilight Zone Movie, it > was obvious to me that he was playing the father of the kid who took Bill > Mumy's place. I recognize *him*, even though I don't remember that his > name is William Schallert without looking it up in IMDB. William Schallert wasn't the barkeep -- he was Nilz Baris, the Federation representative. The barkeep looked vaguely similar enough (in terms of hair color and facial shape) that I can see why you'd conflate them. STOP CONFLATING WILLIAM SCHALLERT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND HER IDENTICAL BUT EVIL TWIN SISTER! > this is one reason why I don't like many hollywood blockbusters. > beginning sometime in the '70s, hollywood started breeding "perfect > actors" who all looked as closely alike as possible. I first noticed a > problem when I tried to watch "Eye of the Needle". I saw the first half > of that movie *twice* and I couldn't figure out who was killing whom. > another movie I had a problem with was "L. A. Confidential". apparently, > not being able to tell the difference between Guy Pearce and Russell > Penguine makes the plot unintelligible. Yeah, I hate movies that have three or four people who all wish they were Pierce Brosnan. Part of this is that they want to get "someone like Pierce Brosnan" to play the lead, and then they send out a casting call, and then to save money they give all the rejects supporting roles. > superhero movies are different, of course, because they wear costumes. > the whole *point* of wearing a costume is to make you easily > identifiable. Yeah, but I still say that if someone made a movie where all the actors were wearing hooded black bodysuits all the time, it would actually make it easier for me to tell them apart (by cutting down on the extra channels of information that just confuse me, and making it easier to focus on body language, which is very important for me.) With masks, everything works backwards for me -- if everyone put on a Darth Vader mask, most people would have problems because they would normally rely on instantaneous facial recognition, whereas those of us who have to deliberately analyze details of what we see would be noticing which mask has a little nick above the left eye, which mask has some scratches on the right cheek, etc. It's a disorder that makes you study everything closely. We naturally become art critics. I think prosopagnosia also tends to make people collect things, and be fascinated by any concept involving variations on a theme. -- K. (I'll wager I can recognize more printers' typefaces than just about anyone. Too bad there's no way to be paid to do that.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 00:51:18 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > So Talysman, have you yet reached the stage of prosopagnosia that you > > get really tired of explaining it? > > not quite yet, because I only just started to tell people I'm faceblind. > the big-ass prosopagnosia discussion here in ARK some time ago -- the one > that devolved into bitter recriminations -- was my "coming out". [...] > > prior to that ARK post, the most I ever explained my condition was to say > "I have problems recognizing people". no one ever asked any questions > about what I meant by that, probably because they didn't care. I think it's more likely because everyone considers themselves to be bad at "matching names to faces". For some reason, everyone who hasn't memorized the mugshots and vital stats of everyone they've ever met has been convinced they're somehow subnormal. Someday I'd like to meet whoever actually has photographic memory and curse them out for making all the normals feel insecure about having the normal hit-or-miss memory. > and until about 5-8 years ago, I didn't even know what faceblindness > *was*, and I believed all that bullshit about how it's some kinf of > memory or attention problem. I was very into memory systems, like the > Bruno Furst memory course they used to advertise in Scientific American > twenty-some years ago. but, of course, I don't have a *memory* problem, > so those courses didn't improve my facial recognition. really, my memory > is pretty good, especially in a few Rainman-esque areas. for example, for > 80-90% of the 2,000+ movies I've seen, I can remember where I was when I > saw it, in reasonably vivid detail. this of course is completely useless > information: why would I need to know that I watched 2001 the first time > on a black-and-white tv in my bedroom in Rantoul, Illinois, or that after > my parents went to bed, I snuck out and got to see the psychedelic ending > in full color on the console tv my dad built from a kit he ordered from > Heathkit? why would I need to know that I watched Krull on a 13-inch > color portable that I drug into the backyard when I was living in > Lincoln, California? also, if my memory of my tv-watching environment is > so ridiculously detailed, why can't I remember which movie I was watching > when I was attacked by baby frogs on the back porch of that same house? Oh, oh, oh, I just gotta know about the baby frog attack. How did you survive? > I'm about to have an interesting experiencing this weekend, I believe. > some art therapy student wants to meet with me about a facial recognition > study. I figured it would be interesting, mainly to have some kind of > formal assessment of my prosopagnosia. I'm not so sure about this > person's thesis, since I quite frankly think that teaching people to draw > isn't going to cure faceblindness. I'm not much of an artist, but I'm > better than average; I wanted to be a cartoonist at one point. oddly > enough, although she asked for a case history on my faceblindness, she > didn't ask if I had an art background. hmmm. also, she arranged to meet > me in a public place, WITHOUT TELLING ME HOW SHE WILL BE DRESSED. or any > other method of recognition. Well, see, one of the rules is that she has to meet you in a public place so that she can escape if you turn out to be a psycho. I remember that in seventh or eighth grade we had to do that silly art-class exercise from "Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain" where we had to copy a drawing of a face that was right-side-up, and then again when it was upside-down to get us to focus more on technique and quality of line after the face was changed into an abstract collection of curves. I found it pointless because turning the face upside-down didn't change the way I perceived it at all. It was one of those "this is supposed to freak you out" learning experiences that just didn't work. (I am immune to certain optical illusions involving faces, but not others.) > my particular condition is probably not very severe. there are certain > facial features that I can recognize; I can remember if someone has a > very acquiline nose, for example, or a jutting unibrow. and people that I > see a lot of occasionally "stick", and I can picture their faces, > although there are always fuzzy parts. also, although I don't recognize > people immediately, some people I will recognize after 10-15 minutes, > after all the damage is done. Yeah, I can recognize certain people at certain times too, but it's not easy. Remembering Boolean attributes of faces is certainly possible ("has broken nose", "has brown eyes", etc.) but if you asked me to describe someone to a police sketch-artist, I couldn't do it except for those one or two special attributes, even if I was told to describe myself or my own mother. I could get the hair color and that would be about it, because when I'm not looking at a face it just goes away, never having gotten interpreted as a chunk of face data to be placed into memory. If I look at a face, I can analyze it and describe it, but I still have little chance of recognizing it unless it has some distinctive feature. Like you, I have a strong visual memory, and I've found that I can recognize people in photos far more easily than I can recognize three-dimensional people, especially if I've ever seen the photo before. So I just need to get people to wear nametags with their own mugshot on them (you know, like on the second season of "Space: 1999") because if they always have the same mugshot, I can recognize that. Recognizing a photo I've seen before -- whether it's a face or a Mark Rothko abstract -- is a snap compared to recognizing a moving, changing human face. Don't get me started about why I don't just recognize people by their voices. (My auditory agnosia is less severe than my prosopagnosia, but just as complicatedly specific. You may have noticed that the only music I can enjoy consists of soundtracks to TV shows and movies. I am the person who _needs_ music videos.) -- K. I still think everything would be easier for me if you guys wore Darth Vader masks at all times. Please? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 02:31:42 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] also, if my memory of my tv-watching environment is so > > > ridiculously detailed, why can't I remember which movie I was > > > watching when I was attacked by baby frogs on the back porch > > > of that same house? > > > > Oh, oh, oh, I just gotta know about the baby frog attack. How did you > > survive? > > who says I did? > > < eerie orchestral sting! > > > ok, actually, what happened was this: I and a friend were watching a > movie on the back porch, aka `my bedroom', which I was forced to share > with the washing machine and dryer. because, apparently, I'm cinderfella. > anyways, my friend noticed a baby frog, so we caught it an put it > outside. then we found another one. and another. the damned things were > coming out of the overflow pipe for the washing machine. I think we > caught something like 20 or 30 frogs that night, which may be why I can't > remember what movie we were watching, although I know it was the CBS Late > Night Movie. It's obvious. The reasons you can't remember what movie it was were that (a) nobody can remember any of the movies that were on "The CBS Late Movie" because they were are really forgettable and (b) most of them were just "Columbo" or "Streets Of San Francisco" or "Salvage One" reruns. The only actual "movie" movie I ever taped off "The CBS Late Movie" was a terribly pretentious, self-important extruded film-major product called "The Kirlian Witness", in which the only witness to a murder is a potted plant, and the plant's not talking. Will the cops photograph its aura in time? > > > [...] also, she arranged to meet me in a public place, > > > WITHOUT TELLING ME HOW SHE WILL BE DRESSED. > > > > Well, see, one of the rules is that she has to meet you in a public > > place so that she can escape if you turn out to be a psycho. > > well, yeah, and I'm worried *she* might be a psycho, too, but still, I > think it's a good idea that *one* of us actually knows what the other > person looks like. maybe she plans on asking everyone going into the > library if they're me. How do you know they're not? Have _you_ asked all of them whether they're you? Who do you think all those other people are -- Shelly Berman? > [...] > > moreso than sound, though, I tend to remember the world around me in > terms of concepts and meanings instead of actual experiences. Another reason you'll never remember anything from "The CBS Late Movie", which contained no concepts, no meanings, and certainly no actual experiences unless you count Andy Griffith flying to the moon in an old cement mixer. I wish I had that series on DVD. I recall it was one of those series where half the writing staff took it completely seriously and wrote ernest bad sci-fi and the other half treated it as wacky camp, and they all collaborated on every script so you could never tell whether it was Failed Attempts At Manly Adventure or Intentional Crapola For Stoners And Toddlers. There was a real air of "We can't stand to be writing this stuff." in some of the scripts, and a gentle insanity to others, with the show's campy center shielded by a thick coating of lameness. -- K. What were those writers sniffing -- monohydrazine? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 15:04:14 -0400 [from washingtonmonthly.com] -> -> July 27, 2004 -> -> Guest:ÊAmy Sullivan -> -> NOW THAT WAS BRIGHT....With all of the headlines and commotion -> about strict security at this year's political conventions you -> would think that someone would have thought twice about the decision -> to place boxes of Gillette razors in each of the welcome bags handed -> out with credentials to delegates and press types in Boston. -> Boston-based Gillette reportedly spent over a million dollars on -> the product placement, only to have: a) their products unused as -> all of the razors were confiscated when convention-goers attempted -> to pass through security; and b) their name taken in vain repeatedly -> because the already-long security lines became even more backed-up -> due to the razor snafu. Might we suggest substituting a nice -> moisturizer instead next time? Yadda yadda yadda "shaved Bush". Har har har. Has Gillette started giving out razors from the 1890s, or is there a lethal way to use a Gillette Triple-Trac safety razor I don't know about? I can't even get the damn things to cut my beard, so I doubt there's any way they could get through John Kerry's weirdly rumpled skin. (Is it my imagination, or is he the first politician whose Spitting Image puppet would actually look like him?) -- K. Also, is it just me, or are there other people in Boston who are unimpressed when they see more than seven fireworks shows in the same summer? Such a waste of destructive power. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 23:47:18 -0400 Yesterday, I reported on how all attendees of the Democratic convention here in Boston were given free safety razors, which were then confiscated. As part of my standard followup research for every wacky item I post, I dug up the official list of what's prohibited: [from www.dems2004.org] -> -> Convention security is a collaborative effort between the United -> States Secret Service, the Boston Police Department, the Boston -> Fire Department, the DNCC and numerous other agencies. The 2004 -> Democratic Convention is designated a "National Security Special -> Event" and access to the FleetCenter will be limited to properly -> credentialed persons who will be required to pass through a -> metal detector. -> -> In order to provide a safe and enjoyable Convention, the -> Democratic National Convention Committee (DNCC) has determined -> that the following items and / or class of items are prohibited -> within the 2004 Democratic National Convention site in Boston, -> MA on July 26 - 29. -> -> Weapons Oh good! Well, that must be the end of the list, since it includes everything that could be used to hurt people, and -- oh, wait, there's more. -> Knives (regardless of size) What, even my fifteen-foot-long Mass Decapitator? -> Explosives What about people with really bad gas? Teddy Kennedy needs to know! -> Fireworks Explosives, nyet, fireworks, nyet. But what about duds, huh? They don't explode! And they don't look pretty! Therefore they're neither explosives nor fireworks! They should ban both regular duds and the even deadlier Milk Duds! -> Umbrellas Dudes, Burgess Meredith isn't going to hurt anyone. He's still dead. -> Poles and Sticks Lech Walesa, go home! -> Laser lights and laser pointers All CD players include lasers. I guess to comply with the rules, conventiongoers will have to bring iPods full of stolen music. -> Coolers Bartles and Jaymes, go home! -> Containers of any type -- bottles / cans / spray containers Is a pocket a container? Is a mouth a container? -> Aerosols DON'T DESTROY THE DEMOCRATS' OZONE!!! -> Mace / pepper spray Most hot dogs are seasoned with mace. Don't the Democrats like wieners? -> Tripods for cameras* Other types of tripods are okay, such as tripods for sniper rifles. -> Sharp and/or pointed objects, scissors / knitting needles etc. Ice cream cones are pointy. Dear Democrats, why do you hate Good Humor? -> Leatherman or similar tools Well, if I can't bring my favorite leatherman, then the two of us are staying home. -> Plastic replica of weapons Die-cast metal replicas are okay. -> Flashlights unless authorized by the DNCC Departments of -> Production or Security They're tired of Joel Hodgson's hand puppets shouting "CBS Mystery Movie!" -> Voice-enhancement devices such as bull horns* NOBODY! ELSE! IS! ALLOWED! TO! TALK! LIKE! JOHN! KERRY! DALEKS! GO! HOME! Also... nobody? ELSE!!!! Is-allow... ED!!! To? Talk? Like? THER!!! (esa) Heinz? Kerr....... Y!!!!!!! (Seriously, I've heard more fluid diction on Salvador Dali's "How To Speak English" record.) -> Noise-makers such as air horns, whistles, drums unless -> authorized by DNCC officials -> -> Banners, signs, or placards OH NO! IT WOULD COMPLETELY RUIN THE POLITICAL CONVENTION IF ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HELD UP A SIGN!!! -> No unopened envelopes or packages will be permitted inside the -> 2004 Democratic National Convention perimeter. All items must -> be opened and available for inspection / screening. I'll leave the flap open on my envelope of nude photos of Ross Perot's daughter. -> *Does not apply to media. I understand why they need tripods, but why do they need bullhorns? Does Katie Couric need to yell "WUXTRY, WUXTRY!"? -> Delegates and guests to the Convention should anticipate -> individual security screening and credential checks prior to -> boarding Delegate buses, when entering the Convention site -> perimeter and magnetometer inspection and credential checks -> before entering the Fleet Center. If a Delegate or guest is -> found in possession of any of the prohibited items noted above, -> the individual will not be admitted onto a Delegate bus or into -> the Convention site. The DNCC will not accept or be responsible -> for the storage of any prohibited item. ...because then they'd have to put it into a container. A CONTAINER! EVIL! CONTAINERS ARE EVIL!!! -> When entering the site, Delegates and visitors will pass through -> magnetometers. This process can be comfortable and accelerated -> if individuals do not bring large or wrapped items. Personal -> items are subject to x-ray and hand inspections. Call me when the "hand inspections" also become comfortable. Those guards have cold hands. -- K. So let's see. No way am I voting for Bush, and no way am I voting for Kerry, and no way am I voting for whatever's left of Ralph Nader, so it looks like this year I'll be doing a write-in vote for Fuck You. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gillette attempts product-placement at Democratic convention Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 19:30:57 -0400 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Has Gillette started giving out razors from the 1890s, or is there a > > lethal way to use a Gillette Triple-Trac safety razor I don't know about? > > It's a little known fact that you can acutally shave > a person to death. It's sorta like slowly boiling a > frog, except that with a safety razor, you not only > notice the pain, it hurts like hell. People usually > beat the living crap out of their shaving assailant > before he gets very far, which is why this type > of assault is rarely reported. I would think it would be _often_ reported if they always beat up the guy holding the razor. The real reason it's never reported is that it's always lethal. Ask any Motel 6 employee how many shaved corpses they find in an average day. (It has to be a Motel 6, because Holiday Inns have the beds mounted on those wooden boxes you can't tie someone to.) > Plus it's really embarrassing to admit to the police > that you just let some random bozo come up and > start shaving you. You're also overlooking that maybe it's the police who enjoy shaving people to death. Check any LAPD officer's utility belt and I bet you'll find a Gillette Triple-Trac right between the hollow-point bullets and the plastic dagger, next to the fart powder. -- K. If you don't believe me, ask any cop to inspect your bikini zone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Olympic Sex Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 19:42:00 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > From Yahoo's oddly enough: > > > > > > > > "In the Sydney 2000 Games, each competing athlete > > > > was given 51 condoms on arrival at the Olympic Village, > > > > but another 20,000 had to be shipped in when supplies > > > > began to run low." > > > > > > > > I'm figuring the Scandalnavian countries were trading > > > > herring for condoms. Also, you have to wonder about > > > > the "51 condoms" figure. "Lets give them 50 condoms > > > > each, and then one more in case they get lucky." > > > > > > September 15 through October 1: 17 days, 51 meals, 51 condoms. > > > > must be pretty damn weird meals, if you have to wear a condom to eat > > them. > > Those aren't condoms. They're latex doggie bags. POOR SPOT! Anyway, the big question is who is giving the all the athletes in the world these free condoms. Is it a conspiracy to keep down the population of well-muscled people so that the nerds will someday take over the Earth and seize control of all museums and National Public Radio and even Microsoft? -- K. What brand of condoms do athletes use? What flavor? And regular or "snuggies"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIDS: Can't live with them, but you CAN eat them. Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 21:31:58 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Overheard at the Art Institute gift shop on Saturday: > > "Mommie, is all of this art?" Oddly, the very next day, I was at the RISDI museum and I realized I would never again need to read the little caption next to any piece of allegedly avant-garde art: This ____________ playfully challenges the established concept of what a ____________ should be. As in, "This spoon with a hole in it playfully challenges the established concept of what an eating utensil should be." "This blank canvas playfully challenges the established concept of what a mural should be." "This vacant lot playfully challenges the established concept of what a museum should be." "This curator playfully challenges the concept of what a pleasant cheese aroma should be." "This caption playfully challenges the concept of what a caption should be, you idiot." Substitute "cleverly questions the conventional notion", "audaciously shatters the visitor's expectations", or other such catchphrases if the item is sufficiently avant-garde to merit a slightly original formulaic caption. Feel free to join in any time. You, too, may not be an artist, but you can be a professional art captioner. -- K. There's one item at the Museum Of Science captioned something like "DESCRIPTIVE TEXT TO COME." Lazy bastards. The Museum Of Science playfully challenges the concept of what an art museum should be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boring stories. Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 16:03:13 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > A number of breweries are now serving "wacky beer", eg chocolate > beer, chilli beer, banana beer. What the HELL is up with chilli beer? Well, see, you can get drunk by drinking several regular beers, or you can get drunk quicker by drinking hot sauce, so combining the two should get anyone so drunk they don't realize they're paying extra for wacky beer. The difference is that chili pepper can get you very high very fast but for very short periods of time, while beer is for a mild slow buzz that makes you act slightly stupid for a few hours. Of course, to get high from chili pepper, you have to get past "Ow! That hurts!" into "C'mon and hurt me, baby!" Ah, endorphins. Did they put enough of it into the beer to make it zing you like that, or did they just add a little to make the beer taste better? (I find that a few drops of hot sauce in a glass of Coke makes it much more flavorful.) > With a name that suggests the beer will taste revolting, you think it > must taste the opposite, otherwise why would they serve it? Well I do > anyway. But here's the catch; it actually tastes WORSE. It is HORRIBLE. Yeah, well, I bet you're one of those people who eats cheese. > I don't know why they don't just make dog shit beer or > something; it would be cheaper, it sounds equally unappetising and it > surely couldn't taste any worse. Well it probably would, but you get > my drift I hope. In my view, adding chili pepper to beer could only be an improvement. Chili pepper is an improvement even when added to things that already taste good, and in terms of stuff that tastes icky like regular beer I bet it would be a huge improvement. Here's an interesting one. Know those new Listerine PocketPaks? The little green squares of gelatin that look like the stamp hinges you used to almost swallow when you collected stamps as a kid? One flavor of those goes really great with powdered chili pepper. It's an exquisitely interesting sort of sugar-lemon-ginger-chili combination, very Thai. Doesn't work so well with the mint-flavored breath strips, but with the Listerine FreshBurst flavor it's heavenly. That's right, chili pepper can even make Listerine products taste good. But remember, you want the FreshBurst flavored PocketPaks, not the urine-flavored ones. -- K. Regular beer is for babies. Drunk babies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: not the Gillette thread, but an incredible simulation (was: Boring stories.) Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:19:04 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) writes: > > > > [...] Stupid razor. The lesson here is, I think, make sure the > > number of blades on your razor is somewhere between 2 and 5 inclusive. > > I think Gillette is on the Mach 13 now -- 13 blades, one strip of sticky > lotion-like substance, and so much shaving power it all over you screen. > When you're done, hawt chyxxorz in pyjamas come in and rub your face while > you smile ruggedly into the mirror. My razor must be broken. All I ever get is the fat guy from "Far Out Space Nuts" bellowing "Hi, Guy!" > The women's razors are really getting out of hand. They're the same as > the men's, but they're purple or pink, and one has a handle with this > teardrop design that looks distinctly like a clitoris. The women's razors > cost more, too, presumably because of the international embargo on pink > dye. Women's razors and electric hair trimmers cost more than men's (or unisex ones) but dog hair trimmers cost even more than women's. That's odd, given that the ones for dogs are the same as the ones for people except without the various plastic attachments. As I once mentioned, I paid $20 for a people hair trimmer for myself and then I saw an identical one being sold for dogs at $40, except the price was misprinted at Walgreen's as $4 so I got a bargain. Now I just need to get a dog to use it on. Anyone got a spare fuzzdog? > Gillette has a woman's razor called the "Intuition". I can't remember > being so offended by a piece of plastic. I hear they plan to market a "Women's Personal Razor" consisting of a big pink vibrating dildo with a razor blade duct-taped to the end. -- K. This "Star Wars" craze is really something! They just came out with a razor endorsed by Chewbacca. You know who Chewbacca is? This razor's endorsed by Chewbacca, and it's called "Chewbacca Ate My BLANK." (wacky music plays while we wait for Brett Somers) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bzap, Bzap, Amen, Bzap. Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 23:58:35 -0400 Last week, I wrote: > > Hey, look, everybody! It's yet another "laugh at some other country's > silly holy man doing what he likes" article! > > [from hindustantimes.com] > -> > -> Sadhu 'drinks' electricity for kicks! > -> > -> [...] > -> A Thakur by caste, the 54-year-old saint admits he started taking > -> a cocktail of stimulants, including ganja, bhang and liquor after > -> renouncing the world at the age of 10. While none of these give > -> him the kick anymore, Das says his current obsession has brought > -> a surge of excitement into his life. > > I don't know what "bhang" is, but it sure sounds like the loudest > drug ever. It'll bhlow your mhind! Well, guess what! Today bhang was in the nhews aghain! [from news.bbc.co.uk] => => Teachers 'spiced up' school meals => => Two teachers have been suspended from a primary school in the => Indian state of Chhattisgarh for adding alcohol and drugs to => meals, officials say. => => [...] => => Two of the school's three teachers have been suspended after 91 => pupils aged between five to 11 years old were introduced to the => perils of cannabis and liquor. => => According to the investigating officials, both the accused => teachers were addicted to alcohol, and decided to mix liquor in => the food to make it more tasty. => => The cannabis, officials say, was used to expedite the cooking of => pulses. They say that the drug no doubt raised a few pulses too. "Pulses" means "beans". As to how bhang (also khnown as ghanja) can "expedite" cooking them, it probably just seems like they're cooking faster when you're stoned. => [...] => => "During investigations, we found out that they mixed bhang => capsules (cannabis) in front of the children, telling them that => this is being used to cook the pulses quickly. "Cook The Pulses Quickly" should be the title of a really terrible 1960s freakout comedy where Peter Sellers plays a six-year-old Hindustani who gets hopped up on a mixture of lentils, bhang, and asafetida and then goes on a wild rickshaw ride which ends with him falling into a vat of ghee. => "Both the teachers were alcohol addicts, and it was found on 19 => July that they had also mixed liquor in large quantities into => the rice to make it more tasty. => => "Some small children ate that food, which was later thrown away => because of the smell of alcohol," he said. => => None of the accused teachers was available for comment. Here in America, we've solved this problem by making it so that the teachers don't have to eat the same lousy food as the students. Also, they have the Teacher's Lounge for when they want to get drunk without bothering the kids. -- K. Now that we know what bhang is, could someone please help Don Martin find out what bhoing is? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cops In Libraries Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 01:30:53 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So I was sitting on one of the many chairs near the front entrance of the > library. And in comes a cop. Uniform and everything. Including a big, nasty > looking gun. And he just casually strolls by. But his eyes were this way and > that way. He was looking for something. That's what skilled cops do. They can't _not_ look at everything that's around them. They never miss a thing. Cops only need to sit through a Kubrick movie once. > I think he was looking for bad guys. Maybe he was looking for bad boys. Did you see which way the construction worker and Indian went? (We got separated at the Xerox machine.) -- K. Did you ask if you could touch his gun? They love it when you do that, especially if you then break into a chant of "THIS IS MY RIFLE AND THIS IS MY GUN..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something's Wrong With Gilligan's Island Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 13:27:02 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Russ Norberg (russn@idontlikespam!.shaw.ca) wrote: > > > > Greetings fellow Kibologists, from a long time lurker! > > This is my FIRST POST!!1 > > > > [...] > > > > Enjoy. > > I'm going to have difficulty with that. > > -- S. > Just give me all of your money instead. Seth, I know you want to become not the newest newbie here by picking fights with the other newbies, but I'm warning you, he's from Canada, and if you start with him you may discover how Tim Horton _really_ died. (Took five coroners to get the hockey stick out. Oh, and don't ask why they're called "TimBits".) For your own safety, you should back off, or you may find yourself shoved into a hockey jersey just so he can pull it over your head and get rougher on you than Spartacat on Snagglepuss. Also, aren't you supposed to be an aquarium stand this week? Go back to holding up those three guppies in ninety pounds of water. -- K. And keep blowing into that tube -- the tank needs a constant stream of bubbles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever lick an ashtray? Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 03:57:35 -0400 The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Ever lick an ashtray? > > My brother made me do this when I was 4 or he was going to hold my hand > against a hot plugged in iron. Anyone else? I just realized that my lifelong dream has been to have my boots cleaned by a WebTV owner. But first, let me make it easier for you by smearing cigarette ashes all over my boots so they'll taste the way you like. Get ready. Oh, and I hope you don't object to menthol, you sicko. -- K. Anyway, age 4 is as good a time as any to learn to love the taste of nicotine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Steampunk revolution Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 12:56:32 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Do you think it would be possible to have made a game like Dance Dance > Revolution 25 years ago? How about 50? 75? 100? > > In 1979, it would have definitely been possible to scroll a bunch of > arrows to the top of the screen while an 8-track tape played. Yes, but it would've been a knockoff of "Simon". In fact, circa 1981, there was such a stomping-mat for the Intellivison, and one for the Atari 2600 (requiring the Starpath Supercharger), if I recall correctly. One game involved squishing bugs, and another was just "Simon". My memories of those are a bit vague (I never owned either gadget) so hopefully I will spur someone to post accurate information. When I met the guy who has the six-foot-tall working "Merlin" replica, I didn't think to turn it on its back and stomp all over it, but if I had, I might have accidentally invented your retrotechnological version of "Dance Dance Revolution", as well as getting broken light bulbs embedded in my feet. > In 1954, you'd have to make sure the dancers didn't cause the record > player to skip. You also could no longer use a raster CRT for the > display. But it could still be a set of colored light bulbs like "Simon". The setup would probably look like "Twister" except with two stickers on the box: One would read "Almost No Lethal Hazard Of Electrocution!" and the other would say "Now With Stomping Instead Of All That Groping!" Elvis Presley would own one. (Marlon Brando would own the other.) (I realize Twister wasn't invented until 1966, but it has that deliberately-retro '50s look, so we can say that your "Electro-Rock" game would still look like Twister if people in 1954 were cool enough to discover these things in the wrong order.) > In 1929, or 1904... piano roll would be your best bet. Displaying > the arrows becomes an even greater challenge. Is it still feasible > to use electronics? Are there still adequate switches that can be > stepped on? The mat would be two layers of leather with two spirals of wire under each spot (one on the upper layer, one on the lower) and a spring between them holding them apart. The difficulty would be the randomizer, but as you say that could have been handled by something like a player-piano roll, though people would quickly memorize the sequence. About all you could do for scoring would be to have the mechanism advance to the next position on the roll when you hit the currently- powered switch, incrementing a mechanical counter, and you'd either compete to see how fast you could work through the roll or what score you could get on the counter in a fixed time. Still doesn't sound like fun, though it does sound more interesting than Dance Dance Revolution just because it would be marketed as a curative for all known diseases, especially once they redesigned it to give you constant electric shocks except when you were momentarily pressing the correct switch. The game would be called something like "Physio-Vibe Movementarium For Healthful Nerve-Toning With Optional Insertable Rectometer Filled With Colonic-Grade Radium". Someone on boingboing.net recently noted that a really nice turn-of-the-century "medical chair" is up for auction on eBay. This is a high chair with two long levers your feet can be strapped into so that you can get exercise pumping your legs, sort of like an exercise bike except being a hundred years ago an essential part of the experience was that you had to be strapped to the thing (it wasn't exercise back then if it didn't involve being tied to something agonizing. The restraints were necessary because back then, everything good for you gave you electric shocks on general principles.) I guess the closest modern equivalent would be a Nautilus machine that was somehow was being used in the same bathtub as your toaster. I don't have a place to put it, so you can go ahead and buy it and convert it into part of your perverted Victorian video game: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=63591&item=3738842922 -- K. I didn't mention the 1929 version, which would have involved the players having to turn to each other every ten seconds to say, "Wow! I just touched Bakelite!" In 1929, something being made of bakelite was as cool as using the prefix "cyber-" in 1999. If you used a time machine to run some seventy-year-long wires between the 1929 game and the 1999 game, you could use the word "cyber-Bakelite" in conversation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Steampunk revolution Date: Sun, 01 Aug 2004 21:54:09 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When I met the guy who has the six-foot-tall working "Merlin" replica, > > I didn't think to turn it on its back and stomp all over it, but if > > I had, I might have accidentally invented your retrotechnological > > version of "Dance Dance Revolution", as well as getting broken light > > bulbs embedded in my feet. > > Speaking of which, I saw footage from a Johnny Cash concert where he was > smashing all the light bulbs along the edge of the stage with his boots, > but I didn't see where or when that concert was. Anyone heard of it? The song was "Shake Hands With Danger". Remember not to use your bare hand to stick a glob of grease inside that backhoe when the "Drive Bee" is on the loose. -- K. So, How-Many-Fingered-Joe do they call you around these parts? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proxy posting. Fundamental atribution errors. Listserver forums. Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:04:18 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > Would any of you nice folks out there post a contribution from me to > a listserver forum?... Well, I'm not one of the "nice folks", so, NO. > some participants got the moderators to kick me out because they did > not agree with my point of view, the point of view of a contrarian. That's not a point of view. That's the very definition of not having a point of view, since all your opinions are dictated by others because you're required to do the opposite of whatever they do. By the way, I really hate it when people press their own faces to hot waffle irons and hold them there for hours and hours and then mail me Polaroids. > I got kicked out of a number of listserver forums, for example > http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/publib > and > http://listserv.muohio.edu/archives/archives.html Hey, that's a great idea. I'm converting alt.religion.kibology to a listserver right away. -- K. You should consider leaving the house once in a while. There are places far more interesting than listservers to be kicked out of. I bet you've never even been thrown out of a real library. (I have, but only if school libraries count.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proxy posting. Fundamental atribution errors. Listserver forums. Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 16:10:24 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > you've never even been thrown > > out of a real library. > > (I have, but only if school > > libraries count.) > > Was it for writing collaborative absurdist plays with prison rape > scenes from "Gravity's Rainbow" inserted into pastoral fugues from > "Catcher in the Rye" while girls stapled their own tits together. > That's what got ME thrown out. I would've done that too. Plagiarism is unwelcome in the perverted arts. I never got far enough into "Gravity's Rainbow" to find out whether or not it contained prison rape scenes. Now I know, and I'm definitely not going to go back and try to finish the book. Plus I recently made the mistake of reading an entire Ayn Rand novel just so I'd have something to complain about on a.r.k, and so I don't feel I need any more rape scenes in my reading material this decade. So what sort of staples were they? Bostitch? Or just a generic store brand, like whatever Staples calls their staples? -- K. Also, how did writing stuff get you thrown out of a library? Were you writing one word on each card of the card catalog? ("Daddy, what was a card catalog?") ("Shut up or I'll staple--" no, wait, that wasn't a straight line for one of those jokes.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Proxy posting. Fundamental atribution errors. Listserver forums. Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 14:42:12 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, how did writing > > stuff get you thrown > > out of a library? > > It wasn't so much the writing part as the collaborative part. Also my > future housemate's poor self-control upon reading the prison rape scene. And then the two of you got thrown in prison, and... (Someone else finish this story, I don't have the heart.) -- K. And how was Batman involved? Was he the good cop or the bad cop? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Elementary School Story of the Day Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:20:09 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I was talking to a third grader today who kept wanting to wander off > to the little vending machine that sells pencils. When I asked him > why he was so worried about pencils, he told me that he needed to buy > some from the machine because he was going to make lots of money > selling pencils to the kids at daycare who don't have pencil machines > at their schools. He had told his first customer that he would sell > him a pencil at after school care today and he would give him a buy > one get one free deal for being his first customer so he really-illy > needed to go to the pencil machine. As he was getting the pencils out > of the machine gleefully looking forward to lifestyles of the rich and > famous, I asked him how much he was selling the pencils for. He is > selling them for 25 cents each. The machine requires a quarter for > each pencil. The kid is close to learning the Internet business model. He's supposed to give the pencils away free to anyone who gives him a bogus E-mail address, because collecting a list of thousands of "fuck@you.com"s is supposed to somehow get venture capitalists to say, "Wow! You got thousands of people to type in nonsense! People must really love your free pencils, and therefore they love your company, so we're going to buy your company so that we can feel that love!" Also, what kind of school has pencil vending machines? In my day, the girls were always smart enough to bring a spare pencil, and the boys were always too slow to remember to bring even one pencil, so to borrow one they had to talk to a girl, and if you remove that interaction you're going to turn a whole generation of boys gay. Does this vending machine have a sticker on it that says it was made by the same homosexual agenda organization as all those "Smurfs" lunchboxes? -- K. It could turn out that this kid has actually cooked up a brilliant racket involving breaking the pencils in half so he can sell twice as many. Don't let him "ugrade" your box of 128 crayons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Elementary School Story of the Day Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 21:48:52 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Also, what kind of school has pencil vending machines? In my day, > > > > the girls were always smart enough to bring a spare pencil, and the > > > > boys were always too slow to remember to bring even one pencil, > > > > so to borrow one they had to talk to a girl, and if you remove that > > > > interaction you're going to turn a whole generation of boys gay. > > > > > > Insight into Kibo's sexual orientation? > > > > You needed insight?! > > I honestly never thought that it might have come from being too afraid > to talk to girls in grade school. Call me naive, call me a dreamer. Hey, you, bite me. I was straight until 2004. Possibly because I _did_ ask a girl for a pencil once. I forget whether it was the same one I asked to marry me in first grade. Of course, we broke up after she attempted to cheat on some turn-in homework assignment by stealing mine and erasing my name and writing in her name in her bad handwriting at the top of my super-neat, perfect, genius-quality work that the teacher immediately recognized. You know what really makes people turn gay? If they ever worry about whether they're gay or try to figure out what makes people gay, that makes them so latent that they could turn gay just by watching one of those Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan in his underwear. And if they've ever heard a Village People song, exactly 25 years later they become the other kind of gay. Check your calendars, boys. -- K. Don't even ask what happens if you own both a Walter Carlos album and a Wendy Carlos album. (It involves something falling off.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Elementary School Story of the Day Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:38:16 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > I was talking to a third grader today who kept wanting to wander off > > to the little vending machine that sells pencils. [...] he was > > going to make lots of money selling pencils to the kids at daycare > > who don't have pencil machines at their schools. [...] > > I use to have a used pencil shop in 4th grade. I would resell all the > pencils I found laying on the floor. The price depended on the lenght of > the pencil, the condition of the eraser and the fancyness of the pencil. > Between people trying to accuse me of stealing their pencils that they lost > and other people not paying for them the next day like they promised, it > didn't go very well. Finally I gave up and just gave them to people who > needed one. That is why I am not a millionaire today. I should have got on > the ground floor of the pyramid scheme some kids started in the sixth > grade. The teachers never found out or at least didn't put a stop to it > until after it was all played out. Oh, you can tell us. You're safe here. At least until I invent a time machine so I can blackmail you by charging you money for me not to go back in time to tattle on you. Also first I would use the time machine to make sure that your school still uses the same corporal punishment as Canadian prisons did when you were a kid. (Assuming you're my age -- Canadians stopped whipping juvenile offenders in 1972.) So you'd better pay me or else I'm going to see to it that you once got punished long enough ago that you probably would have almost forgotten about it and then I'd bring it up here so that you'd suddenly remember. Now tell me all about this pyramid syndicate of yours. Then give me twenty-five cents or I'll invent a time machine. The only way this could backfire would be if, after I got you sent to a Canadian-style reform school, it straightened you out and you grew up to be a millionaire who owned a hockey team. Ooh, I'm so jealous of you now, you bastard. -- K. Why didn't you just go to the mini-golf course and get a whole bunch of those free midget pencils? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Elementary School Story of the Day Date: Sun, 01 Aug 2004 22:00:08 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > Speaking of guys being brave enough to talk to girls, Anna is having a > > problem with the older brothers of her friends getting crushes on her. > > The girlfriends get annoyed and the older brothers act like > > tongue-tied dorks and Anna is clueless. One of them is a really smart > > kid who got a savings bond as an academic and citizenship award when > > he graduated from fifth grade last month, > > ARGH! You don't graduate from fifth grade! You graduate from high school! > Argh! > > Graduation ceremeonies for anyone in the single digit grades makes me fume, They had to change it from when we were in elementary school for a simple reason. Back then, they just had an end-of-the-year party and everyone left happy. So now they've instituted graduation ceremonies instead so that the kids who didn't pass will feel an even more intense emotional scarring, thus making it even more fun for all the other kids as they point and yell, "HAW HAW!" in their cute little caps and gowns sold at a hearty profit by Josten's to match the Josten's graduation photos and Josten's class rings they're all forced to buy if they ever want to go home and not disappear into the school dungeon run by the psychotic school bus drivers during the summer. So you see, it's a matter of elementary economics. -- K. Has there ever been a non- psychotic school bus driver? Still, I've never seen one as psychotic as my favorite public bus driver, the one who kept the bus clear of the invisible green firestorms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Elementary School Story of the Day Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 15:14:53 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote: > > > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > ARGH! You don't graduate from fifth grade! You graduate from > > > > high school! Argh! > > > > > > > > Graduation ceremeonies for anyone in the single digit grades > > > > makes me fume, > > > > > > graduation cermonies for anyone not in tertiary education makes ME > > > fume. damn merkins. > > > > I fume when someone adds caustic soda to my hands. Damn ENBZEDers. > > just helping ya find yer inner Tyler. now HOLD STILL dammit. I was so happy when I saw that scene. For more than one reason. You see, for many years I've had a burn on the back of my left hand. I always viewed this subtle discoloration as a horrible, shameful deformity to be hidden from the world, like James Doohan's missing finger or Alan Alda's tail, but now I've been going around saying, "'Fight Club' is one of my favorite films -- see?" and showing them my blotch. I like any film which contains imitatable behavior. But films which don't, such as... um... well, I'm sure there are some. Maybe "The Dot And The Line"? -- K. And yes, I have actually had lye burns while doing metalwork, though none have been intense enough to have left scars -- but lye does really, really hurt. If you ever have to come within six feet of a bucket of lye containing some aluminum chain mail rings, you need to have leather gloves that go up to your shoulders, a hazmat suit, and an astronaut helmet. Lye can jump. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Adventures Of Curious Bear And The Careless Canadians Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 14:41:21 -0400 [from cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> Curious black bear opens pipeline valve cover; causes oil spill in N.W.T. -> -> FORT SIMPSON, N.W.T. (CP) -- A curious black bear caused an oil -> spill near this town in the Northwest Territories, say officials. He just did that to distract Ranger Smith from watching his pic-a-nic basket. -> About 12,000 litres of oil, equal to about a dozen household -> tanks, leaked out after the animal accidentally opened a valve at -> an Enbridge Pipelines site. How do they know it was accidental and not vandalism? Did they interrogate the bear to find out his motives? Maybe he did it on purpose just because he knew he could get away with it -- humans underestimate the deviousness of juvenile delinquent bears. -> Nick Larter, a biologist for the Department of Resources, Wildlife -> and Economic Development in the Deh Cho, With a name like "Larter", he should be in tech support. Also, is "in the Deh Cho" an anagram of a real place name? -> said bears are naturally curious and especially like to play with -> anything soft and rubbery. (calliope music plays at double speed for several minutes, followed by a wacky "BOINGGGGG!" noise and Judy Carne saying "Sock it to me!") Sorry, that straight line was so perfect that it rendered me speechless. -> "And this apparently was some Styrofoam material covered by a -> black bag," he said. Oh, yeah, Styrofoam with a trash bag over it, that'll stop a terrorist but not a bear. Worst of all are those bears who open valves on purpose -- bearrorists. -> The bear pulled off the lid covering the valve and yanked on the -> bag, causing it to open a bit but not enough to drop pressure in -> the line. -> -> Workers were cleaning up on Thursday. It's like a Paddington story. The one with the men in yellow rain slickers scrubbing oil off him in a bathtub. With bacon floating in it. Then Pooh joins in and they have a discussion concerning whether the men are using a sponge or a spudge. Then they take turns sitting on Piglet. -> Enbridge officials say from now on, they will lock the lids on -> pipeline covers. Also they should correct the sign on their pipeline where "SWEET LIGHT CRUDE" is spelled "HUNNY". -> Fort Simpson is about 400 west of Yellowknife. "Hey Waylon, who's the bear? Woof!" -- K. Quoting "The Simpsons" is the modern generation's version of quoting "Monty Python's Flying Circus", only even less clever because the show is more popular. But it's still just as annoying if it's done repeatedly, so now that I've done it, nobody else should do it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: prosopagnosia (was: ATTN: Kibo (or other dye experts)) Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 15:58:15 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Well, see, one of the rules is that she has to meet you in a public > > place so that she can escape if you turn out to be a psycho. > > > > I remember that in seventh or eighth grade we had to do that silly > > art-class exercise from "Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain" > > where we had to copy a drawing of a face that was right-side-up, > > and then again when it was upside-down [...] I found it pointless > > because turning the face upside-down didn't change the way I > > perceived it at all. > > GUESS WHAT?!? > > the girl gave me the Benton Face Recognition Test Is that the one where you have to tell News Gothic from Franklin Gothic? > (don't know how well I did, although I think I spent a lot of time > on each face, but got them all right.) I've never had an official face-recognition test. However, one Web site about prosopagnosia had an online test where I had to identify photos, and I did above average, even on the ones where the face was cropped down to just eyes or just a mouth. This really surprised me, since I definitely can't do that with real people, but it was because all the photos they used were pictures of major politicians from the 1980s (Reagan, Thatcher, etc. -- I caught on to the theme pretty fast) and also most of the photos themselves were famous. I have no trouble at all recognizing photos compared to recognizing people. > then she mentioned that in future sessions we would be working with > THIS BOOK ... and she held up the "Drawing on the Right Side of the > Brain" workbook. I actually recognized the illustrations on > it before, even though she had the title covered up. Yep. I think basically not having much ability for automatic face recognition causes you to focus so much attention on analytical recognition of what you see that prosopagnosiacs tend to be well- practiced at stuff like recognizing diagrams or page layouts or typefaces or hamburgers or shoes or all that other stuff. (Most people aren't _required_ to pay attention to people's clothing, but we are.) > do psychologists ever actually remember stuff they learned years ago? Depends on whether they learned it in Milgram's lab. (I really need to get one of those white coats, now that I've got everything else.) > oh, and I have never heard of Notre Dame de Namur University. I wonder > if it's in someone's garage. It's in Atlantis. Some guy who looks like Spock in a bikini brief runs it. Their water polo team has a long-standing rivalry with Aquaman's. The other sport they're famous for is "globe on a stick". Tell Wet Spock to put on some real pants. The school's Web site says that they have a "Master Of Arts In Art Therapy" program. I'd like to be an art therapist. People would bring paintings to me and prop them up on my couch, and I'd talk to the painting until it looked happier. Of course, I might find the job depressing if I spent too much time trying to cheer up Keane paintings. Maybe I'd limit myself to abstracts. They're easier to talk to. Or just paintings for prosopagnosiacs, such as Tanguy's "Multiplication Of The Arcs". That painting really likes me. -- K. The question is, does this humble alt.religion.kibology discussion contain more insights into the perception of prosopagnosiacs than the entire Notre Dame de Namor University? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Deep-Fried Nathan's Famous Hotdog Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 20:30:31 -0400 Jim Blackburn (tae1fra001@sneakemail.com) wrote: > > OH MY GOD YES YES YES YE2@#$9C!O@> NO CARRIER When you say "deep-fried", do you mean a battered and fried corn dog (what Canadians call a "Pogo") or do you mean an unbattered hot dog cooked by throwing it into boiling oil until it chars and splits open? I'm not wild about corn dogs, largely because I like my meat charred and crispy. Actual fried-in-oil dogs (called "rippers" if they pop open in their death throes) are great. Nathan's has unnatural little corn dog nuggets, too, where they take cocktail weenies and batter and fry them. Those are okay, but they just aren't right. That's like if White Castle started selling burgers the size of nickels. Hot dogs should be big enough that you can actually feel their flesh rending as you bite 'em. (A properly-grilled hot dog should have a leathery skin. Nathan's employees know to go all Attleboro on them with the spatula to get them leathered up against the hot griddle.) By the way, the Nathan's chain now owns both Arthur Treacher and Kenny Rogers, even though one of them's still alive. Question: Since Arthur Treacher's character name ("Jeeves") has become one of the world's worst Web search services, does this mean there will be another awful one named after Kenny Rogers? ("Need help with your homework? Ask The Gambler.") I wish supermarkets still sold pork-based hot dogs. All they every have any more are all-beef ones and occasionally pork-plus-beef- plus-turkey-plus-deadly-mechanically-separated-chicken. I want one with the quality, cleanliness, and simplicity of a kosher hot dog, but made entirely from pork. Is that too much to ask? Failing that, I just settle for kosher beef ones (cervelat is my favorite kosher sausage.) I wish we had a German grocery store in Boston. I bet they'd have real wienerwursts made entirely from larded lard and smoke from burning Marcel Duchamp paintings. I don't like how these days it's easier to buy pig products for the wearin' than for the eatin'. Pigs are good for _two_ things! I shouldn't have to settle for vegetable-based pants, and I shouldn't have to settle for mechanically separated chicken in supermarket extrudogs. -- K. You are what you eat, and I'd rather be a pig than be mechanically separated. Oinkity oink oink! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Deep-Fried Nathan's Famous Hotdog Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 14:31:53 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish supermarkets still sold pork-based hot dogs. [...] I want > > one with the quality, cleanliness, and simplicity of a kosher > > hot dog, but made entirely from pork. Is that too much to ask? > > Yours is the dilemma faced by many the dissatisfied consumer of vile > watery beer, of unsatisfactory cigarettes, of overpriced and > undercrafted wine, of lame-ass computer systems, of cardboard pizza, > of corporate rock'n'roll. The solution: MAKE YOUR OWN. Yes, I know > your attitude toward food is that if it take more than five minutes to > prepare it belongs in someone else's kitchen, I don't mind food that takes ninety minutes to prepare -- I just don't like anything that takes more than two seconds to clean up afterwards. > but sausage making -- or so it appears to me, I'm not a practitioner > of the art -- is *different*. For one thing, it's got so much fnarr > potential it's all over yadda yadda yadda. For another thing, it can > involve elaborate and arcane equipment, always good for bewildering > friends and family. And for a third, you get to order strange spices > and chemicals and, best of all, INTESTINES. So let's go to Google on this. Apparently in 1999 I told you: -> The Internet Catalog Mart was also responsible for -> bringing me The Sausage Maker's catalog, until he died. And then in 2003: => For added fun, you could get a copy of The Sausage Maker catalog and => order a big sack of Fermento, and sprinkle Fermento on everything you => eat from now on. Also get some natural casings and stuff everything => you eat into one before you eat it. It's kind of hard to get a => whole soft pretzel into a hog middle, but it's the only way you can => incorporate pretzels into an all-sausage diet. => => Fermento! Ask for it by name! And hog middles! Ask for them by odor! That catalog was a small, thick, poorly-printed compendium of all that gross stuff. The "hog middles" reference was because the intestines were described glowingly along the lines of "put them in water and the odor, for the most part, subsides." I was on their mailing list for quite a while, until Rytek Kutas, The Sausage Maker, passed on and the new owners decided to cull the list (and hopefully produce a better-looking catalog.) So you see, I looked into this five years ago, before some of you people here were even born! > It's purely a win win proposition, Kibo: weird nerdiness of the kind > a chain mail maker or a do-it-yourself acupuncturist can only dream of. No thanks, if I owned a gambrel, there's no way I'd be letting it touch food, since I'd mainly be using it for other purposes. > I look forward to your progress reports already. Really? Then there's something wrong with you. I'm going to tell the vegan community you go around encouraging sickos like me to rip the intestines out of pigs and stuff the intestines with the intestines of other pigs. They put up with me because I tell other people _not_ to do what I do, but someone like you, you're just bad. -- K. And don't get me started on making my own bacon cola. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disney wants to cut off Tigger's ears Date: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 22:29:56 -0400 [from www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Save Tigger from sex trial, Disney says -> -> By Anthony Colarossi & Sean Mussenden -> Orlando Sentinel -> Posted July 30 2004, 9:06 AM EDT -> -> A leopard can't change its spots, but Walt Disney World wants to -> hide Tigger's stripes -- at least when the costume of the bouncy -> tiger shows up next week in court in a sexual-molestation trial. -> -> To protect the frenetic feline's innocent image, a Disney lawyer -> has suggested that the orange Tigger costume be dyed black or -> white and its ears be removed. Also, from now on, Pooh will wear pants, Piglet will be a chicken, Eeyore will be flamboyantly gay in both senses of the word, and the man who wasn't there halfway up the stair will actually be there, and will be a robot, and will be two-thirds of the way up. -> The lawyer made the request to the attorney representing -> Michael C. Chartrand in the trial that is scheduled to start Monday. -> -> Chartrand was suspended after he was charged with molesting a -> 13-year-old girl in February while he was dressed as Tigger at -> Disney World's Toon Town. -> -> Any case in which a child's storybook character is linked to a sex -> crime is bound to be strange. According to the newspaper's style manual, "disgusting" is spelled "strange". -> But the arrest was just the prelude of what now promises to be -> a bizarre courtroom showdown. -> -> For example: -> -> * Chartrand's lawyer, Jeffrey S. Kaufman Jr., also has played -> Tigger at Disney and works part-time as a costumed character at -> the theme park. He said he reached out to Chartrand because he -> thought he was uniquely qualified to defend him. Yeah, he's gotta be uniquely qualified to be something -- and he's certainly not qualified to be a world-class attorney if he spends half his time working at Disney World. -> * Prosecutors hope to use as evidence about 200 photographs of -> tourists posing with Tigger and other characters. But the defense -> claims there's no way to prove Chartrand was in all the photos. ...some are Chartrand in the fursuit, and some are the _real_ Tigger! -> * The victim's family has contacted a lawyer about suing -> Disney. It is the threat of such litigation and the fear of bad -> publicity that has Disney in full damage-control mode. -> -> "Disney doesn't want this costume out there," Kaufman said. "They -> want to protect their copyright. They want to take off everything -> that would make it look like Tigger," a character from A.A. Milne's -> children's books. Yeah, no way would Disney ever want one of its animated movies associated with child molestation. It would be like if Disney made a cartoon movie out of a book that was written just so a perverted English priest could get little girls to sit on his lap and... oh, never mind. -> Disney spokeswoman Jacquee Polak [...] would not comment on -> Kaufman's statement that a Disney attorney had suggested taking -> off Tigger's ears or coloring the costume. The big question is, how hefty a lawyer do you have to be to claim that a solid black costume with no ears is still a "Tigger" costume? "Your honor, for the remainder of this trial, my client will be two feet tall, green, and made of Styrofoam, but it will still be him." -> He said he refused to let the costume be "bastardized" because an -> altered Tigger suit might reflect poorly on his client, making him -> look demonic or freakish. I call alterna-band name on "Freakish Tigger" and "Demonic Tigger Suit". -- K. This article would've been funnier if Mickey Mouse had molested someone, 'cause I'd love to see Mickey with his ears cut off. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 14:15:32 -0400 How do you turn down a date with someone who's not your type? Apparently "No, thank you, you're not my type" or "sorry, I'm seeing someone else" aren't good enough for certain people so awkward in social situations that they have to get their dating advice from the Microsoft corporation. [from msn.match.com] -> -> 6 smooth ways to decline a date -> -> By Claudia B. Manley With her co-author, Pseudonyms R. Reallymen. -> Most of us are in pursuit of dates so having a ready arsenal of -> kind refusals is not often a priority. Yet just because we're -> looking for love doesn't mean we have to take any or all comers. -> Believe it or not, there will be times you'll want to refuse a -> date and so in a manner which will leave no question about the -> possibility of a future date. Okay, the inclusion of "Believe it or not," above shows that this is really a guy trying to pretend to be a woman. "Ladies, I know most of you really want to sleep with every stud like me who asks, but I was told to write this advice column as if you might have the kooky attitude that you might be slightly selective!" -> Empathy should keep us from being curt or mean, yet is there -> really a smooth way to decline a date? Yes, but it requires lying -> convincingly because there really are no smooth ways to say: "I -> find your personality repellant;" "I have the hots for your best -> friend;" or "You're just not my type." "You're nice, but you're not my type." What's wrong with that? Of course, it really don't matter what you say to these guys who believe that under normal circumstances all women will be glad to sleep with them, because the guy will always have the same reaction -- running back to the boys' end of the bar to tell his friends that you must be a lesbian 'cause you didn't want his hot studly man-love. -> However, it has to be good. Here are my six suggestions for white -> lies to help you permanently refuse a date: -> -> 1. "I'd love to, but I can't. You remind me too much of my ex -> and I still haven't gotten over our breakup six years ago." This -> is both flattering to the person who has asked you out as well as -> an indicator of a potential psychological defect (fake, yes) in -> you. This combination can be very persuasive. Yeah, nothing says gentle letdown like "Sorry, but I already dated a creep just like you once." -> 2. "I can't. In truth, I was told to leave myself available for -> a (insert opposing hair color, height, etc. here)." You may choose -> to end the sentence with the words: "by my psychic/shrink/life -> coach." A little odd, but sometimes weirdness can disarm -> rebuttals. Now that's just stupid. Basically, you're telling the guy "I can't date you because I'm a gullible idiot." How is being a gullible idiot going to keep predatory jerks away? Here's a better "Mad Libs" approach for you, Miss Manley: "Ooh, are you into (insert incredibly gross fetish here) too? Because my life completely revolves around that. Let's stop at the Chinese grocery store and pick up a bag of (gross thing) right now, since I only date people who like licking (gross thing) off my (other gross thing)!" -> 3. "I wish I could, but I need to finish my dissertation/book -> before I can socialize again." This makes you an intellectual with -> a project that may never be over. At that point, you should whip out a big pair of nerd glasses and put them on and start talking about quantum physics. That way the guy will go running across the bar to tell his friends, "She must be a lez, 'cause she's intelligent!" -> 4. This one's a little risky, but you could always say -- -> "I have to check with my husband/boyfriend (assuming you're a -> lesbian)." If you really _are_ a lesbian, you could just say "I'm a lesbian". Or better yet, "Congratulations, you just tried to pick up a lesbian. Haw haw, I fooled you into thinking I was straight, you gaydarless wonder!" -> 5. Here's the super-flattery approach. "I'm sorry, but I have a -> really hard time going out with someone who is smarter/more -> attractive/taller than me." Will they actually turn down your -> compliment to get a date with you? I think he'd more likely just point out that he can belch the whole alphabet. -> 6. For super-drama, try this. Say "I can't, I just can't" and -> then either run away feigning tears or walk slowly away. This -> makes it sound like you would if you could, but there's something -> going on that prevents you from doing so. It also adds a bit of -> mystery to your persona. Okay, WHAT THE FUDGE is with the pseudonymous advice columnists at MSN? Every time I see one of these articles, I get the feeling that Microsoft is simply trying to give the most insane advice possible. Does Bill Gates's master plan involve making everyone frustrated and lonely so that they'll spend more time at home using Microsoft Internet Explorer to look at Microsoft brand porn? -> It's really hard to find a smooth way to say "No." I tried to -> suggest to friends that "No, but thank you," was smooth and they -> looked at me as though I was the most callous thing to cross the -> earth. "Then they slapped my face and told me I wasn't being genteel like them." -> In addition, your rebuffed suitor may eventually see you out -> with someone else and they'll probably figure it out. If the guy can't figure out that you turned him down because you didn't want to date him, then maybe you should've said "No, but thank you, you're not my type." If he does figure it out but he can't handle being rejected by even one person, then maybe you'd better be blunt with him to help him prepare to enter the real world. -> However, the fact that you tried to be nice about it might count for -> something with them. -> -> The most important thing to remember is that you could be the one -> declined at any moment. Let your suitor down in a manner that -> you'd want to be let down. That should leave you both with your -> dignity intact. Oh, yeah, I'd love it if the other person pretended to have a crying fit and ran away screaming. <-- SARCASM (<-- not sadism, since that wouldn't have involved the word "pretended".) What's wrong with "No, thank you, I'm flattered but you're not my type"? It's not as you're not going to figure out that she turned you down for a date because SHE WANTED TO TURN YOU DOWN FOR A DATE! -- K. I'm surprised the article didn't just tell us it was easier to turn someone down via E-mail, with Microsoft Outlook Express's new "Ick!" button. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:34:13 -0400 Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > Well the one that worked best on my, in my single, univeristy days, > was this one girl who we called Una. Anyone who's read Adrian Mole > will know why. She used to go to the clubs with a ruler, I think I've seen her. Which is she -- a regular nun, latex nun, or a gummikrankenschwester? > and when you started talking to her, she'd point at the 12" mark and > say "You must be this big to ride me, cowboy." Cowboy-on-nun action! Some porn writes itself! > The she'd give this look that said "And if you're making false > claims, I have scissors." I've developed a look which says "Rock breaks scissors. I win. No do-overs." > Then she'd go and continue dancing around her handbag with her friends. "When your mama dances around the handbag, she dances _around_ the handbag!" Your snap must be better than this to date me. -- K. Also, I win, no do-overs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:27:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > At least (s)he didn't suggest the fake phone number. > > Not that I'm bitter. Aww, I'm sorry to hear someone did something that evil to you. If you want to talk about it, just call me at (555) 555-5555, extension 5. -- K. You can also send me mail at yourname@remove-this.com. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 15:24:14 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, WHAT THE FUDGE is with the pseudonymous advice columnists at MSN? > > Every time I see one of these articles, I get the feeling that Microsoft > > is simply trying to give the most insane advice possible. > > [...] "That's sweet, but I have a horrible venereal disease. Actually, > I probably shouldn't have shook hands with you. Sorry about that." Let me kick that one up a notch: "It's so sweet of you to pretend not to notice my horrible facial deformity caused by my VD, or the weird wetness you felt when shaking my hands -- sorry, it's a bad day for my pus." > [...] "Fine, look, we can have sex just this once, but I think you'll > probably turn me gay, so that'll be it, OK?" But you can only use that on someone who's holding a razor blade up to Gainsborough's "Blue Boy" and yelling "DING DONG! DING DONG!" (degree of difficulty: 8.2 crossed by 8.9) -- K. For best results, whenever you say "VD", do it in a Twiki voice thirty or forty times. "They useta call dis one da clap! VD-VD-VD-VD-VD-VD!" Then if they still won't leave you alone, keep 'em. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nondirected Organ Donation Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 14:55:20 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > Recently, over the objections of his wife and family, he donated a > > > kidney in what is called "nondirected organ donation," a catchphrase > > > for showing up at a hospital and asking helpfully, "Say, anybody want > > > a kidney?" Despite having a wife and small children, he willingly > > > underwent an operation in which 1 in 4,000 people die. > > > > Pfft... he only donated one. That's just one murder he's not guilty of. > > He's still guilty of another. > > I read the article in question. In fact he's considering donating the > other one and going on dialysis. > > (He's also sort of tempted to give away all of his organs on the theory > that, sure, he might die and all, but he'd probably save /at least/ two > people, so.) Oh yeah? Well, I am refusing to accept organs from this guy, which means I'm one of the only things keeping him alive. So I win. Also if he starts bleeding when the doctors cut him open to remove his kidney or whatever, the Red Cross will of course forbid me to give him any of my blood, so they're also helping to keep him alive by discouraging anyone from ever having surgery by keeping the blood supply small. So do you think this guy got his idea from that "Simpsons" episode where Homer gave Grandpa a kidney? ("You've significantly shortened your own lifespan so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs!") If so, I can't wait to see what happens when he watches some of the ones with Dr. Nick ("Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. MacGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!") Or better yet, the one where the nun explodes for no reason. -- K. Nuns never explode for any good reasons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: On FIRE! NOT in bed. Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 15:05:21 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > No clown,either. > I was drying my tresses this morning with the blow dryer I'd > dropped two days ago and noticed pretty flames coming from > between the handle where the two plastic pieces join. > > Pretty! FIRE! Near my HAIR! Not doused in flame retardant! I hope you've learned your lesson: Always wear an asbestos toupee, just like all those people on "Match Game '76". > Thinking quickly,I dropped the thing like a hot potato, let it fall > onto the floor,grab my hairbrush,thrust the plastic handle up and > around the cord twice and give it mighty yank,managing not to burn > up my hair or electrocute myself. > > Mission complete,Houston! Not until you throw it out the airlock so it can harmlessly explode six feet away from your astro-pod! > I wonder why the damn circuit breaker on the plug in didn't > trip like it should have? Because it's a circuit breaker, not a smoke detector, doodfus. You also want a ground-fault interrupter too just for those cases where someone comes into the room and knocks the thing out of your hand and into the bathtub and pushes you in. GFIs prevent murders. Well, at least for thirty seconds until he can find your barber scissors. > I am now the proud new owner of a really cheap,but new > hair dryer. > I just hope this one lasts 12 years like the last one did. And I wondered why Kyan Douglas had been gently weeping for the past twelve years. > (It's got a nifty *cool* air button,too!) That's the one that makes your hair wetter. -- K. Hair dryers have only one purpose: Intentionally damaging your hair to make the dye take better. Otherwise, NO HAIR DRYERS, EVER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: On FIRE! NOT in bed. Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:39:00 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I get paid to write clearly. Does that clarify things? Well, yes, it does, in that now we know where money is being wasted. -- K. Either that or you're trying to tell us you're a publicist wholly owned and operated by L. Ron Hubbard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: FBI terrorism bulletin Date: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 15:43:23 -0400 And now, as a public service, for those of you who don't have access to the Internet, I bring you the front page of www.fbi.gov: -> PREVENTING TERRORIST ATTACK: -> How You Can Help. -> -> [...] -> If you see or know about suspicious activities, like the ones -> listed below, please report them immediately to the proper authorities. -> [...] -> -> Surveillance: Are you aware of anyone video recording or -> monitoring activities, taking notes, using cameras, maps, -> binoculars, etc., near key facilities/events? So let me get this straight. If I use a map anywhere in the big city, I'm suspicious. And if I take a photo of anything newsworthy, I'm suspicious. Then why do people look at me funny when I take photos of orange cones that got run over and shredded by trucks? Have I stumbled onto some important secret about mangled, forgotten orange cones? -> Suspicious Questioning: Are you aware of anyone attempting to gain -> information in person, by phone, mail, email, etc., regarding a -> key facility or people who work there? That depends. Is the Boston Public Library a key facility? -> Tests of Security: Are you aware of any attempts to penetrate or -> test physical security or procedures at a key facility/event? I heard several thousand people tried to go through the security checkpoints at the airport just last week. Some of them even tried the clever subterfuge of taking their keys out of their pocket before going through the metal detectors. -> Acquiring Supplies: Are you aware of anyone attempting to -> improperly acquire explosives, weapons, ammunition, dangerous -> chemicals, uniforms, badges, flight manuals, access cards or -> identification for a key facility/event or to legally obtain items -> under suspicious circumstances that could be used in a terrorist -> attack? That depends. Do dangerous chemicals include Pine-Sol? -> Suspicious Persons: Are you aware of anyone who does not appear to -> belong in the workplace, neighborhood, business establishment or -> near a key facility/event? Hell yeah, 95% of the people on the subway are people I think don't belong anywhere withing ten miles of me. Can I please decide who gets to live in the city and who doesn't? -> "Dry Runs": Have you observed any behavior that appears to be -> preparation for a terrorist act, such as mapping out routes, -> playing out scenarios with other people, monitoring key -> facilities/events, timing traffic lights or traffic flow, or other -> suspicious activities? Be on the lookout for people who are on the lookout! Especially if you see any people who are watching to see if anyone is watching anyone! And whatever you do, don't fail to act nonchalant while looking for people who are acting nonchalant! -> Deploying Assets: Have you observed abandoned vehicles, -> stockpiling of suspicious materials, or persons being deployed -> near a key facility/event? If by "persons" you mean cops and the National Guard, then sure. -> If you answered yes to any of the above...if you have observed any -> suspicious activity that may relate to terrorism...again, please -> contact the Joint Terrorist Task Force or law -> enforcement/counterterrorism agency closest to you immediately. -> Your tip could save the lives of innocent people, just like you -> and yours. YAY! THE FBI JUST SAID I'M INNOCENT! I bet whenever the rest of you suspicious characters read that page the "just like you and yours" is missing. 'Cause I'm innocent and you're all suspicious. So the next time the cops search me on my way to the mall, I can just tell them about this Web page which says that I and mine are innocent. (Mine what?) -- K. (Mine bauxite.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bana for Bond? Date: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 01:57:27 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > > > UKian newspapers have reported that this week's favourite to be the > > next James Bond is Austrian actor Eric Bana (Chopper, The Hulk). > > I thought you said "Banana for Bond" and were talking about an upcoming > crossover movie where James Bond teams up with Lancelot Link, Secret > Chimp to free the world of terrorist banana cartels. I'd buy THAT for a dollar! The only problem is that Ted Turner's cable TV networks already did that. They used to have some shorts titled "Monkey Movies" or "Chimpo Cinemas" or "Craptacular Badness" or some such that they showed between James Bond movies, where chimps would act out lame sub-"Mad"-quality movie parodies with wacky voices dubbed in. It didn't have a tenth the zazz that the _real_ "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" did. "Lancelot Link" was like "The Muppet Show", only with live puppets. I wish they'd put "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" on DVD 'cause I need more chimp-tastic "Laugh-In" knock-offs in my DVD collection. Also, "The Maltese Bippy". I've already got "Pink Lady & Jeff", though. -- K. I will give one Imaginary Internet Banana to the person who writes me the funniest scene from "Banana For Bond". Two Imaginary Internet Bananas if Sean Connery shows up in his "Zardoz" costume and then the chimp and Bond somehow get their diapers switched. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:54:02 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] Anyway, in service of getting more laundry done and sooner, > I scooped up a big double armful of dark clothes and pushed them > into the washer. I was unaware that I had accidentally included > a festive black top that is decorated with glitter. > > I now have glitter pants, glitter jeans, glitter bras, glitter > underpants, and several glitter towels. I am Mariah Carey. > Aauugghh. What's wrong with glitter underpants? Surely if you can wear a glitter top you can wear glitter on your bottom. The only way I see this as a major problem is if your ninja outfit was in the same washload. Then you'd have to be Glitter Ninja, who would stalk characters from "Land Of The Lost". > Gardening! That's the ticket! [...] I moved the rocks that were > holding down the tarp, got my spade, and flung back the tarp to > discover that the mulch had gone condo and was now home to many > interesting woodland creatures, not the least among them, snakes. > > Two very young garter snakes were coiled on the top of the mulch, > heads up, tongues poking the air, listening to me scream. You're afraid of garter snakes? _Baby_ garter snakes? Oh man, I don't want to see what happens when you encounter an actual scary creature, such as a piranha, a school-bus driver, or a clown throwing buckets of confetti -- and glitter. > [...] I poked at them with the spade and they slithered off, making my > skin crawl in a similar fashion. It was with fear and trepidation that > I slid the spade into the mulch to retrieve the amount I needed, > wondering with every spadeful what I might uncover next. Well, I was going to go to this leather wholesaler I discovered a few days ago and order a bunch of those snakeskins with actual cobra heads still attached just so I could make you some new, non-glittery underwear with a dozen venemous snake heads sticking out of it, but now I guess that might not actually happen. -- K. That's what you get for making your own mulch from scratch instead of going to the supermarket and buying Duncan Hines Mulch Mix. Avoid Betty Crocker's Mulch Helper, it's all noodles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:42:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja > > DIBS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBS! DIBSDIBSDIBSDIBS DIBS! > > Dibs. My loyal subjects: Henceforth let it be known here and now and forever and anon throughout that Universe and all others that Stacia is the Glitter Ninja and you're not. I was expecting the Village People to buy the idea from me, but no such luck, so Stacia has the dibs. All of them. Every single dib and their little diblets too. Bow before the Glitter Ninja and her powers to be invisible when standing in front enormous quantities of sparkly stuff. (Every episode ends with a fight in a warehouse of disco balls, over in the disco-supply part of town.) -- K. Next week: Glitter Ninja vs. The Sparkle Spaz! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 18:00:38 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > [...] Sparkling new Kontext-Away with Oxygen And Beer flushes away a chunk of text! KER-FLUSHOLA! > [...] blood is much easier to clean up than melted butter, SHA-BEWM! Kontext-Away returns to its protective container inside another container it has to be protected from because the outer container is poisonous! Anyway, Shelly, why did you murder Lobster Boy? He never did anything to hurt anyone, except for complete strangers and yes, I'm aware he did write the script for one of those Disney movies based on a theme-park attraction involving animatronic hillbilly bears. But other than that, he didn't deserve to have his skull cracked with that much extreme prejudice. You could have just killed him with a little extreme prejudice and then you wouldn't have to go to jail. When it comes to murder, subtlety is everything in the eyes of the law. -- K. Remember, kids, don't commit murder most foul, commit murder most wacky. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Finish this story Date: Mon, 09 Aug 2004 01:15:32 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Last week at my Friday school, the computers all went down for the > last part of the day. When I left, they were still down, on a track > change day when the new track was coming in on Monday for their first > day of the whole school year. Every time a teacher asked for a class > list or a parent called about anything, it was lucky there were no > sledgehammers in the vicinity. It turns out that the workmen who were > putting new wallpaper in the staff room unplugged the servers after > having been told not to unplug anything that was still plugged in in > that room. The workmen should be especially grateful there were no > sledgehammers in the vicinity. As it was, they got a big piece of a > lot of minds and were told not to touch the computers or unplug > anything in the room again, only in a bit spicier language. > > So, anyway, the computers went down again this morning. Computer chyk > went off to try to get them working again and found that all of the > servers had been unplugged again. By the same workmen. > > When I was on my way out of the school this afternoon, the district > office tech guy, who looks just like Mr. Clean only a little burlier, > was in the office telling the office staff, "I'll take care of it." > > So, what happened after I left? I don't know, but I have the title for the completed epic: "GUMMIKRANKENSCHWESTER WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER" ...please? -- K. P.S. Can there be hot sauce involved? ----------------------------------