From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:27:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > At least (s)he didn't suggest the fake phone number. > > Not that I'm bitter. Aww, I'm sorry to hear someone did something that evil to you. If you want to talk about it, just call me at (555) 555-5555, extension 5. -- K. You can also send me mail at yourname@remove-this.com. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 6 smooth ways to decline a date -- gosh, thanks, Microsoft! Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:34:13 -0400 Jabberwocky (thunderjedi@theforce.bb) wrote: > > Well the one that worked best on my, in my single, univeristy days, > was this one girl who we called Una. Anyone who's read Adrian Mole > will know why. She used to go to the clubs with a ruler, I think I've seen her. Which is she -- a regular nun, latex nun, or a gummikrankenschwester? > and when you started talking to her, she'd point at the 12" mark and > say "You must be this big to ride me, cowboy." Cowboy-on-nun action! Some porn writes itself! > The she'd give this look that said "And if you're making false > claims, I have scissors." I've developed a look which says "Rock breaks scissors. I win. No do-overs." > Then she'd go and continue dancing around her handbag with her friends. "When your mama dances around the handbag, she dances _around_ the handbag!" Your snap must be better than this to date me. -- K. Also, I win, no do-overs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: On FIRE! NOT in bed. Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:39:00 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I get paid to write clearly. Does that clarify things? Well, yes, it does, in that now we know where money is being wasted. -- K. Either that or you're trying to tell us you're a publicist wholly owned and operated by L. Ron Hubbard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:54:02 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] Anyway, in service of getting more laundry done and sooner, > I scooped up a big double armful of dark clothes and pushed them > into the washer. I was unaware that I had accidentally included > a festive black top that is decorated with glitter. > > I now have glitter pants, glitter jeans, glitter bras, glitter > underpants, and several glitter towels. I am Mariah Carey. > Aauugghh. What's wrong with glitter underpants? Surely if you can wear a glitter top you can wear glitter on your bottom. The only way I see this as a major problem is if your ninja outfit was in the same washload. Then you'd have to be Glitter Ninja, who would stalk characters from "Land Of The Lost". > Gardening! That's the ticket! [...] I moved the rocks that were > holding down the tarp, got my spade, and flung back the tarp to > discover that the mulch had gone condo and was now home to many > interesting woodland creatures, not the least among them, snakes. > > Two very young garter snakes were coiled on the top of the mulch, > heads up, tongues poking the air, listening to me scream. You're afraid of garter snakes? _Baby_ garter snakes? Oh man, I don't want to see what happens when you encounter an actual scary creature, such as a piranha, a school-bus driver, or a clown throwing buckets of confetti -- and glitter. > [...] I poked at them with the spade and they slithered off, making my > skin crawl in a similar fashion. It was with fear and trepidation that > I slid the spade into the mulch to retrieve the amount I needed, > wondering with every spadeful what I might uncover next. Well, I was going to go to this leather wholesaler I discovered a few days ago and order a bunch of those snakeskins with actual cobra heads still attached just so I could make you some new, non-glittery underwear with a dozen venemous snake heads sticking out of it, but now I guess that might not actually happen. -- K. That's what you get for making your own mulch from scratch instead of going to the supermarket and buying Duncan Hines Mulch Mix. Avoid Betty Crocker's Mulch Helper, it's all noodles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:42:26 -0400 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja > > DIBS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBS! DIBSDIBSDIBSDIBS DIBS! > > Dibs. My loyal subjects: Henceforth let it be known here and now and forever and anon throughout that Universe and all others that Stacia is the Glitter Ninja and you're not. I was expecting the Village People to buy the idea from me, but no such luck, so Stacia has the dibs. All of them. Every single dib and their little diblets too. Bow before the Glitter Ninja and her powers to be invisible when standing in front enormous quantities of sparkly stuff. (Every episode ends with a fight in a warehouse of disco balls, over in the disco-supply part of town.) -- K. Next week: Glitter Ninja vs. The Sparkle Spaz! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Yesterday Over Yet? Date: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 18:00:38 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > [...] Sparkling new Kontext-Away with Oxygen And Beer flushes away a chunk of text! KER-FLUSHOLA! > [...] blood is much easier to clean up than melted butter, SHA-BEWM! Kontext-Away returns to its protective container inside another container it has to be protected from because the outer container is poisonous! Anyway, Shelly, why did you murder Lobster Boy? He never did anything to hurt anyone, except for complete strangers and yes, I'm aware he did write the script for one of those Disney movies based on a theme-park attraction involving animatronic hillbilly bears. But other than that, he didn't deserve to have his skull cracked with that much extreme prejudice. You could have just killed him with a little extreme prejudice and then you wouldn't have to go to jail. When it comes to murder, subtlety is everything in the eyes of the law. -- K. Remember, kids, don't commit murder most foul, commit murder most wacky. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Finish this story Date: Mon, 09 Aug 2004 01:15:32 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Last week at my Friday school, the computers all went down for the > last part of the day. When I left, they were still down, on a track > change day when the new track was coming in on Monday for their first > day of the whole school year. Every time a teacher asked for a class > list or a parent called about anything, it was lucky there were no > sledgehammers in the vicinity. It turns out that the workmen who were > putting new wallpaper in the staff room unplugged the servers after > having been told not to unplug anything that was still plugged in in > that room. The workmen should be especially grateful there were no > sledgehammers in the vicinity. As it was, they got a big piece of a > lot of minds and were told not to touch the computers or unplug > anything in the room again, only in a bit spicier language. > > So, anyway, the computers went down again this morning. Computer chyk > went off to try to get them working again and found that all of the > servers had been unplugged again. By the same workmen. > > When I was on my way out of the school this afternoon, the district > office tech guy, who looks just like Mr. Clean only a little burlier, > was in the office telling the office staff, "I'll take care of it." > > So, what happened after I left? I don't know, but I have the title for the completed epic: "GUMMIKRANKENSCHWESTER WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER" ...please? -- K. P.S. Can there be hot sauce involved? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:46:00 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Seriously. If the Red Cross has not yet banned every American ever from > donating blood, go donate. Sorry, I tried, but they told me that if I did, when they poured my blood into the big vat of blood they keep stirring until they need to fill those little bottles with it that it would turn the nation's entire blood supply gay. Also, I'd rather donate ear wax. There must be a shortage of it because nobody ever donates any. If I want to do that late at night, is there some sort of slot I can put it through? -- K. After donating ear wax, they give you orange juice and a cookie that tastes really bad. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:24:31 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > After donating ear wax, > > they give you orange juice > > and a cookie that tastes > > really bad. > > > > > > BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF OATMEAL Well, yes, it is, but only because every Red Cross office has one guy chained up in the basement, completely gimped-out in leather covering his entire body except for his ears, and he's fed an all-oatmeal diet through a straw. Once a week they collect his ear wax with an old Norse ear spoon. And that's reason #637 why the Red Cross is bad. -- K. #638 involves the real reason their logo is a cross. (Turns out the Red Cross killed Jesus just to steal his blood.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 18:45:26 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF OATMEAL > > > > Well, yes, it is, but only because every Red Cross office has one guy > > I read this far and suddenly imagined someone named Oat Meal Aday. Augh! You got your "Fight Club" reference in my "Pulp Fiction" reference! With regard to the "Pulp Fiction" reference, anyone who watches the Bravo channel won't get it. For reasons I can't fathom, all references to, or images of, the Gimp have been removed by Bravo when they show that movie. (For scenes where he's in the background, they enlarge the portion of the frame he's not in.) They went to a lot of work to remove him, despite him being light comic relief, while leaving in at least ninety-eight more dark and disturbing things. Who would be really frightened of seeing the Gimp? And where can I meet them? -- K. I wonder if they used open-source retouching software to remove the Gimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:52:50 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > They told me to cut it out, because I keep passing out, and the most > > > they ever got from me was half a pint. It just doesnt' come out very > > > well, contrary to what you might expect. > > > > You're supposed to drink a lot of water so you can pee through your > > armhole at the blood place. > > If pee starts coming out after they stick you, then I have pretty severe > misgivings about the place you're going to give blood. But then again, if > they're bagging it up and taking it with them then you're either supplying > the urine for an athlete dodging a urine test, or else it's going to one of > those groups where people are in to drinking urine. Either way dude I > suppose there's no real kink involved so it's probably okay. If guzzling golden showers isn't a "real kink", then what is? You must have a pretty severe kink floating around in your head, one even the pee-gargle brigade hasn't yet discovered. > Also, I give blood every two months unless it doesn't fit into my schedule. > After all, they give out some pretty cool T-Shirts for doing so and there's > free apple juice. FREE APPLE JUICE! Warm, salty apple juice? -- K. Ever wonder how that one brand of apple juice got named "Ssips"? I hear that if you hold it up to a mirror, there's a hidden picture of Queen Elizabeth and Satan doing watersports. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 10:35:16 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Lately I've noticed a cow-orker making restroom stops on his way to the > > break-room. He carries his [glass] mug with him and places it on a shelf > > in said restroom before entering one of the stalls. > > > > It would be very easy to run to the break-room, buy some apple juice, > > run back to the restroom and fill said glass. I have not succumbed to > > temptation. Yet. > > You. Must. Do. This. Yes. Mmm. That's. Good. Sadistic. Punctuation. Apple juice has a distinctive odor. You might want to consider hot water and a packet of one of the clear yellow varieties of Lipton Cup-A-Soup, which will smell like salt and unidentifiable predigested protein, though you may need to remove a couple parsley flakes. > But plan ahead. What's with running to the break-room to buy apple > juice? Go buy some NOW, so you'll be ready the next time he carries > his mug into the restroom. Also, if you buy it NOW, it'll be warm when > you pour it into the mug. > > O gross. And while you await your opportunity, just casually mention to this co-worker that you enjoy surfing, kayaking, "and other water sports". Keep mentioning "other water sports" until he asks what that means. Then change the subject. If you need practice with that sort of conversation, try the clerk at your local art-supply store. -- K. I remember once, for no reason, one of the less- inspired vandals in my high school left a turd in one of the corridors (he brought it in a coffee can because I guess he was a poop-shy defouler) but later someone else changed the incident into a clever moment which challenged the viewer's concept of what a prank should be by tossing a candy-bar wrapper on the floor next to the ripening turd. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 21:04:50 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you need practice with that sort of conversation, try the clerk > > at your local art-supply store. > > Where's my nozzle?! Roinks! Rat's a Ron Rotts reference! I always wonder where that cutout of him went. The store took it down a few years ago. They do have a "Bat-Eric" up now, although I don't know who Eric is. > > which challenged the > > viewer's concept of what > > a prank should be by > > tossing a candy-bar wrapper > > on the floor next to the > > ripening turd. > > Genius. "Caddyshack" levels of genius. In fact, it cleverly subverts the expected notion of what a genius should be. Some days I think I should be putting things in glass cases in some museum. Including everyone I knew in high school. "This lunch lady trenchantly defies the established modality of what a nutritious meal should be." > Not as horrifying as the kid who pooped in his hand, then to hide it > before smearing it on whatever, he shoved the poo into his pocket, and > then just kept his hand in the poo pocket. Very subtle. P.E. teachers > have a keen eye; when you're playing soccer with one hand inside your > jeans constantly, they wonder what you're doing. Especially since > everyone else was in their gym shorts. I hate to think what happened when he had to line up to block one of those kicks where the whole team has to cover their crotches because soccer players aren't allowed to wear good jockstraps. > He never 'fessed up to what he was going to smear with the poo. > Frankly, the story of him just holding the poo for a half hour before > being caught was entertainment enough for me. Ah, I miss working at a > junior high. PLEASE POST PICTURES OF PEOPLE WATCHING PEOPLE HOLDING THEIR OWN POO ALSO PLEASE POST PICTURES OF YOU LOOKING AT PEOPLE POSTING PICTURES OF YOU LOOKING AT PEOPLE HOLDING THEIR OWN POO BUT DON'T POST ANY REAL POO -- K. A good title for a kaviar video based on this article would be "P.E. Teacher und der P.U. Hosenscheisser." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Go donate blood. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 23:32:31 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Last week we had treats for one of the many co-workers who have opted to > quit instead of going postal (although we realize someone will have to go > postal sooner or later). I took the 4 cookies I had left and wrapped them > up on my plate, but then needed to use the ladies' on the way out of the > building. I sat the plate on the sink and later thought, ew, cookies in > the bathroom. What's wrong with the concept of food plus bathroom? The Cat In The Hat ate cake in the bathtub. And if you've never tried that, I bet you also haven't had any of the other things that are better than an orgasm. > So with every intention of stuffing them into my book bag and just > tossing them later, I leave the ladies' room with the cookies, only to run > into the two Big Kahunae of the department, staring at me and the cookies. > They were clearly thinking, ew, cookies in the bathroom. I would've smiled, bit one of the cookies, and then offered one of them the rest of the cookie. Oh, and you left out the most important detail: Were these chocolate cookies? > I never run into these two while I'm saving fluffy bunnies who have been > tied to the railroad tracks or anything. Always when I'm doing something > stupid, like taking snacks into and out of the bathroom. I think it would be funny to be caught coming out of the bathroom with a whole Thanksgiving turkey. Or was that already a "Mad About You" episode? I can't remember because I'm male. -- K. Life's greatest pleasure: Bacon in the bathtub. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Two observations. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 15:24:12 -0400 1. Half the people in this world have one clock in their house. The other half have 47 clocks in their house. In the first case, you always know what time it is, and in the other, you never know what time it is. 2. If your excuse for using sloppy strokes that injure innocent bystanders is that you're afraid of getting carpal tunnel syndrome, then someone really should take away your flogger and give you a coloring book. -- K. Thus endeth the deep philosophy for the day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two observations. Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 11:23:18 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I have a Harry Potter coloring book. > > Um, Lots? You do know that google archives this stuff, right? Yeah, but all the ones on Google have already been colored in by other AOL users. If you want to download new coloring books, you have to get them from Amazon.com or any US Government Web site's free play area, "FEMA for kids" or "NSA for kids" or whatever. -- K. Coloring books help induce artistic conformity and low self-esteem in the masses. I should publish a coloring book. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two observations. Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 20:49:30 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If your excuse for using sloppy strokes that injure innocent bystanders > > is that you're afraid of getting carpal tunnel syndrome, then someone > > really should take away your flogger and give you a coloring book. > > Are you saying that coloring outside the lines hurts nobody? > POST PROOF OR RETRACT! I didn't say I'd give Bad Flogbozo any crayons. He'd just have to look at the book in its raw format and use his Imagination Crayons. And then, every time his attention wandered, all the colors would disappear and he'd have to start all over. Still, at least now I know what it feels like to be hit on the top of the shoulder by someone aiming at my back with the most inappropriate flogger possible for his level of skill. Sometimes I wonder why I even volunteer to help these idiots who don't even know how to hurt someone correctly. -- K. Hopefully the innocent bystander behind me has recovered by now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two observations. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 19:57:11 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The other half have 47 clocks in their house. In the first case, > > you always know what time it is, > > unless it was my grandmother's house. Then you knew what time my > grandmother would get to work if she left right now. But what if she were to leave twelve hours from now? -- K. And how did she know when to drink her hot Dr Pepper? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Archie Got Farked! Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 15:42:47 -0400 Today one of the links posted on www.fark.com (a site I always enjoy) is: -> Man claims single atom of plutonium at center of brain automatically -> makes him "super genius" ...and yes, it goes to some page about little Archie because even on the Internet there's only one person with that flavor of crazy. The comments page for that item has personal accounts from some people who have personally interacted with him -- someone witnessed him claiming 17 cents were stolen from him, someone who found out what scary item he carries in his beloved aluminum Zero-Halliburton suitcase, and so on. However, my favorite comment is Vreejack's: => Just one crank among many. And I have not even ever heard of this guy! -- K. It's too bad everyone reading this has now heard of me, so I can never get any of you to think I'm crazy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gerbil Man Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 15:57:51 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) addressed a nitwit: > > Let me draw you a map: > > | | > | +---------+ | > | | | | > | | You | | > | | | | > | +---------+ | > | Rebublic of | > | being | > | trolledsville | > \_________________/ > Obvious Bag Hey, snap! If you left out the lettering and the square person and colorized it and turned it to the right, this diagram titled "Artist's Conception Of Obvious Bag" would look a lot like my migraine precursor. Except not glowing and shimmering and slowly expanding. Also the lines should be thicker. And it should be a smooth curve. Fortunately I haven't seen one of those in a while, and nowadays when I do, I know how to keep the pretty glowing pink and green barber-pole-striped C-shaped firesnake from turning into an actual migraine. In truth, the Obvious Bag isn't the color of a migraine (unless it's made from old issues of "Wired" magazine) -- the Obvious Bag is heavy black latex, except for the drawstring. The _one-way_ drawstring. Why black latex? Because that's the way Betty White designed it. Someday someone should X-ray the thing and see how many bozos have accumulated in there over the years. The people on the bottom must be getting pretty unhappy. (Too bad the people at the top of the bag don't have it so harsh.) -- K. Now if the bag were really made of migraines featuring a green brighter than any Earth olives, then we could call it an Oliver Sack. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But Don't Drink The Water. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:07:19 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: But Don't Drink The Water. Aug. 9, 2004. > > It used to be that when you went to Old Mexico it was standard > procedure for people to tell you, "Be sure and don't drink the > water because you'll get sick." It appeared that the warning > was true. I usually do a lot of work raising fish. In the past > I've put some mosquito fish in a small rock pond that I have built > here on my property. After a while I put some goldfish in with the > mosquitofish to make things a little prettier. The goldfish ate > up the mosquitofish. Next I put some catfish in with the goldfish > and they ate the goldfish. After that some raccoons came along and > ate the catfish. I then came to the conclusion that in general > big fish eat littler fish and large animals eat fish that are > smaller than they are. And that's why the brontosaurus went extinct. They got eaten by even bigger animals. Of course, they won't tell you that at the Hall Of Science, they'll just claim there never was such a thing as a "brontosaurus". That cover-up proves my theory. -- K. If I had an aquarium, I wouldn't buy any mosquitofish because they'd keep me awake. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Different Species Of Aliens. Part 4. Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:14:05 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Different Species Of Aliens. Part 4. July 5, 2004. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... Hey! I tried to tear this off along the perforations, and YOU BROKE MY COMPUTER SCREEN! > ORANGE, THE > > These entities largely converge beneath southern Nevada, northern > New Mexico and possibly Utah. Some sources refer to a [1] 'human' > r-ce with stalky yellow, red or orange hair, others of [2] a > genetically-altered, humanoid-reptiloid strain or hybrid. They are > often described often as having a humanoid form yet certain > 'reptilian' genetic features. They are also said to possess > human-like reproductive organs, and possibly (or not) a human > 'soul-matrix', and therefore a divergent branch of the human ra-e, > or reptiloid rac- depending on which 'type' of Orange one is > referring to. as some accounts suggest there MAY also be [3] > orange-colored reptilians which possess no soul-matrix. Some of > the "Orange" allegedly have connections to Bernard's Star. I believe the sinister Orange Ones are narrow at the top and wider at the base. Most of their body is conical in nature, except the four feet are in the form of a square. Their skin is an alien cross between rubber and plastic. Overall height is about sixteen inches, but it varies from parking lot to parking lot. They are seldom found in the vicinity of hazards such as open manholes, because then they might fall in. So the Orange Ones congregate in areas that are completely safe. -- K. I keep getting accused of having stalky orange hair, mostly by celebrities' lawyers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Being Mean To The Army Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:33:10 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > The army needs more recruits, according to AOL news. If I had a > prank-tv show, I would search out the most flamboyantly gay male > couple I could and have them apply at a recruiting office. Uh... dude... your particular vein of gay porn has already been mined out. Also, why did you specify a gay _male_ couple? Do you think Howard Stern took over the Army to discriminate in favor of lesbians? -- K. And you forgot the pink quote marks around "recruiting". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tamala 2010 : A Punk Cat in Space Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:43:17 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Another thing that was great about this movie were the strange > characters. Tamala herself was really funny - smoking, drinking, running > into sliding glass doors and kicking children amongst other things. Some > other interesting characters were the Zombie Cat, Slave Mouse and the > Gay Sadist Leatherman Police dog. I think I saw that movie this weekend. The animation was strikingly real and in 3-D. I felt like I was walking around inside it for hours and hours. How did they get it to fill the hotel ballroom? -- K. And how did they get away with stealing scenes from "Pulp Fiction" and "Silence Of The Lambs"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This is stupid... Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 16:50:54 -0400 technomaNge (abuse@microsoft.com) wrote: > > OK, I don't get this at all. > > Last nite, pizza and beer and lotsa those little peppers that are in the > box with the pizza. Not hot peppers, just warm. > > This morning, my ass burns whilst getting rid of the peppers. > > Come on now, both ends of the food tract have been exposed to the exact > same amount of peppers. Why the different reaction? I think you need to do the scientific experiment and expose both your ends to the same amount of peppers at the same time, in the same way. And don't say "Sorry, there's already a zucchini there!" > Help me Kibo-wan, you're my only hope for an explaination. Nope. Sorry, but I'm Darth Kibo these days. Come to the hot side of the Force. -- K. For those of you who can't handle hot pepper, I've invented cold sauce. It's made from Farina and you just need to stir eight gallons of it into anything that's got too much flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSC: The Wealthiest Musicians on Earth Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 17:07:36 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Yesterday I found myself "toe-tapping" to that song, "Say Say Say" by Paul > McCartney and Michael Jackson > > Do I need to run a bottle-brush through my soul, or is this an acceptable > lapse from "Way Coolness"? Yes, and -- oh, wait, you said through your _soul_. Never mind. -- K. I had a great conversation about a mysterious scratchy Chinese brush at Pearl Art recently. Something like this: (clerk examines mystery object) "What's this used for?" "I don't know, but I'm sure I won't be using it for its intended purpose." "Oh? What're you going to do with it?" "You don't want to know." "Hmm, now I really want to know." "Look how I'm dressed..." (blank stare as no cluons or hintons are absorbed) Some days I enjoy being discreet like that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What I'm Cooking Today (contains recipe but very little of the funni) Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 17:15:06 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > 17 people coming over for dinner at 6:00 today--12 adults and 5 kids. > I put a 10# brisket on the K7 last night at 8:00. Brisket on the top > rack, fat side down, with three picnic roasts below it (two 8-pounders > and one 4-pounder). Using a couple chunks of oak for flavor. Later, > I'll grill 16 chicken thighs on the K3, probably after dunking them > for a while in Blue Mountain jerk sauce (available at Albertson's). I prefer to get sauce for my jerks over at the jerk store. Oh, by the way, they called, and they're out of this "Seinfeld" reference. > Not all of that meat is destined for the party; one of the picnics > will be vacuum-sealed and sent home with my youngest son, who's > visiting). YOU MONSTER! HE'LL SUFFOCATE! TUPPERWARE IS MURDER! > Sides are spinach-pecan-strawberry salad with poppy seed dressing, a > pot of beans, watermelon, and plums. Guests are bringing dessert. Uh-uh. Every time someone tries to give me something where the principal ingredient is poppy seeds, I know it means that it's random drug test day. -- K. Oh, and thanks for the un-vitation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing Nathan Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 17:35:05 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Okeys. New d00d moving into Sonia and Carezza's old flat. Seems nice. > Very quiet. Has a wimpy handshake but, hey, my statuesque and robust form > tends to intimidate. He'll be moving in September 1st but will be by > earlier to redecorate. I swear that the first time I read that, my brain saw "but will be easier to redecorate". Will you be redecorating his face with your fists, or just with a tattoo needle? Also, you only intimidate me a little. Next time I see you I'll prove it by giving you a handshake so hard it'll break several of your ribs. -- K. Then can we have more bubble tea at that haircut restaurant? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing Nathan Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 17:40:35 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I am redecorating Anna's room for her RITE NOW as a nice surprise. > For some reason, she wasn't down with the airplane wallpaper and > bright red paint that came with the house. Some people have no taste! > But she's my daughter, so I love her anyway. Has she seen the "Simpsons" episode where Todd Flanders gets the red bedroom and starts chanting "RED ROOM! RED ROOM! OVER THERE!"? If not, she's missing an important chance to freak you out. In any case, a surprise repainting should be nice for her, until she finds out the evil red paint wasn't removed and is still lurking under the new paint! The room will be lined with evil invisible red! > As is fitting since I am talking to you. of all people, about > decorating, of all things, the theme of her new decor is HORSIES! She > only gets a border because wall to wall wallpaper is right out, but it > is a very nice border with very nice realistic looking horsies. Just > enough to cover the old border that I think must have been cemented in > place, I'm so tired right now that when I read that, my brain got that you were putting up horsies "to cover the old badger that I think must have been cemented in place." Poor badger. > but not so much that I have to do complicated measurements or > have to some day tear out as much wallpaper as I have this weekend. > Also, a horsie blanket. A horse blanket? Hmm. If you're looking for a way to make your little pony girl think you're feeding her hay, you could try a handful of raw vermicelli. Get the really thin ones from the Asian grocery store. -- K. I should redecorate my place -- what brand of paint is most resistant to bloodstains? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing Nathan Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 21:18:46 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A horse blanket? Hmm. If you're looking for a way to make your > > little pony girl think you're feeding her hay, you could try a > > handful of raw vermicelli. Get the really thin ones from the > > Asian grocery store. > > Are you kidding? That stuff is expensive! There's nothing cheaper than noodles from the Super 88! In fact, a big case of noodles from there is probably cheaper than an empty cardboard box from the OfficeMax at the same plaza! > > I should redecorate my place -- > > what brand of paint is most > > resistant to bloodstains? > > Want me to see if they left a half can of the red stuff in the garage > with all the other half-used containers of paint? I haven't actually > looked through them to find out what colors they are since I wouldn't > want to paint anything the existing colors and I never bother to touch > up paint. If I can find any, it should keep you from seeing the > bloodstains even if it isn't bloodstain resistant. Geez, don't you think if I wanted my walls to be the color of blood I'd just get some free blood somewhere? The whole point is that I _don't_ want blood all over my walls. I was thinking along the lines of dove gray with a black ceiling and floor, and lots of blue neon, for a sort of "Tron" look. I probably won't actually do that, of course. But it would be so cool. Maybe I should pick out some furniture before deciding on a wall color. After seven years in this apartment, it's time I got a real bed and a real chair. -- K. No tables, though. Stuff belongs on the floor or on shelves. Tables are for people who play card games with real cards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing Nathan Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 20:52:26 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Maybe I should pick out some furniture before deciding on a wall color. > > After seven years in this apartment, it's time I got a real bed and a > > real chair. > > Do you want me to come to your apartment, having been declared furniture > by you? I said I wanted a real bed and a real chair, not a lumpy, whiny, drooling bed or chair! Poor Seth! He's not even a real chair! -- K. (I AM IN ONE OF t-h-o-s-e MOODS) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing Nathan Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 19:55:37 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should redecorate my place -- > > what brand of paint is most > > resistant to bloodstains? > > Just go with wall-to-wall stainless steel. Hosing those down would be nice, but I imagine the people on floors one through six would complain about all the bloody water. By the way, given that this apartment building is nicknamed "The Terrorist Arms" due to its occupants having included high-level Al-Qaeda operatives, shouldn't my apartment in this Tower Of Terror also have a cute, pun-like nickname? -- K. ...preferably one which makes it clear I'm not one of the terrorists. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Restaurants Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 17:57:56 -0400 John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > 1. I'm going to be in the Boston area next week. > > 2. I need to eat, sometimes three or more times a day. > > 3. This seems like as good a place as any to ask for recommendations. > > So, what Boston-area restaurants would you recommend? Here are some choices relative to subway stops. For Chinese: Crystal in Cambridge (Red Line to Central Square, walk south along the west side of Mass Ave., it's about a block past the pervert store.) Reasonably spicy. For Indian: I really like Jyoti Palace up in Malden. That might be walkable from Malden Center on the Orange Line, but I don't know because I've only been there by car. Reasonably spicy. (Spice 'N' Hot a couple blocks away is if you prefer really spicy with no vegetables.) For Mexican: Boca Grande in Cambridge (go to the Porter Square stop on the Red Line, walk south along the west side of Mass. Ave a few blocks.) I haven't been there in a few years, but they used to be really good, then they got mediocre, so maybe by now they're good again. For Japanese snacks: Boulangerie Japonaise or whatever it's called, the little Japanese pastry shop cafe on Beacon Street in Brookline. Green Line "C" train to St. Mary's. Not open late, but within walking distance of MY apartment! Be sure to get the curry-filled doughnut, it's heaven. For Japanese candy: The Super 88 Supermarket in South Boston. Red Line to Andrew, take the free shuttle bus from the station and get off in front of the adjacent Stop & Shop. For German: Sorry, you're screwed, the Wursthaus is long gone. For ice cream: Any Emack & Bolio's location, such as the one on Newbury Street in the Back Bay (Green Line "B", "C", or "D" train to Hynes/Auditorium/ICA, walk east along south side of Newbury, ignoring any other ice cream parlors you may encounter on the first couple of blocks.) Don't go to Cheers(R). If you're one of those people who goes all psychotic over Krispy Kremes, there's one in the Prudential Center (Green Line "E" train to Prudential, go up the escalator and cross through the mall past the food court.) If you want to do lunch or dinner, let me know. I need to eat too. -- K. By the way, the Taco Bell that had the dozen rats is long gone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A good night's sleep Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 18:04:18 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > 11.00 pm Bed. > > 11.00 - 12.00 One hour of good, solid sleep. So energising! > > 12.00 Youngest daughter requests help looking for her toy pig. You are Invader Zim and I want to see your house crushing stuff on its quest to get tacos. > 12.15 Pig located. Return to bed. > > 12.15 - 2.45 Two and a half hour of sleeping like a baby. It's sleep like > this that fully recharges our batteries for the day ahead. > > 2.45 Phone call! How exciting, who could it be? Disappointingly a > wrong number. > > 3.00 - 4.30 90 minutes of deep, revitalising sleep. > > 4.30 Cock a doodle doo! Cock a doodle doo! Goodness me, it seems > the neighbours have acquired themselves a ROOSTER! How > wonderful! Ah yes, the charm of the country in a metropolitan > environment. Excellent. Can you get me tickets to the cockfight? I checked Ticketmaster but they didn't have any. > 4.30 - 6.00 Cock a doodle doo! Cock a doodle doo etc etc. I don't know > what a rooster does all day, but evidently it involves getting > up very early and letting everyone know about it. > > 6.00 Up bright and early. > > > So friends, it is little wonder I am so on top of my game this morning. > Perhaps I will get more nights like this in future? Well, until the council > sends someone around to off the rooster I expect I will. Buy a bigger rooster and join the fight. Then after yours wins, you'll only have to kill the one you have easier access to. Plus, free dinner. -- K. It must be hard to sleep there what with the rooster saying "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" and the dogs saying "Scooby-dooby-doo!" and Fred Flintstone saying "Yabba-dabba-doo!" and that idiot from the old pizza commercial screaming "HOOPIE-DOO!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Well, I haven't been strip-searched on the local trains yet, but... Date: Tue, 10 Aug 2004 22:16:45 -0400 [from www.sentinelandenterprise.com] -> -> Article Published: Monday, August 09, 2004 -- 10:49:28 AM EST -> -> Fitchburg woman says she was targeted because of Muslim headscarf -> -> To the editor: -> -> Up until recently I was confident riding the MBTA, despite my -> wearing the "hijab," a traditional Muslim headscarf. However, -> during a trip to Tufts University for my first college midterm, -> I was confronted another first: racial profiling. -> -> I was on the train looking over notes for an exam when the train -> stopped at the North Leominster Station. Walking down the middle -> aisle were a couple of Leominster police officers who asked me to -> step off the train, hand over my backpack, and show -> identification. -> -> This was no random check. I had been pinpointed specifically -> because of the way I appeared. My hijab supposedly made me a -> threat to someone. -> -> I was told by the very respectful police officers that a concerned -> passenger had reported "suspicious behavior" (me), and that even -> though they saw nothing suspicious themselves the officers still -> had to take necessary precautions, which was perfectly -> understandable. -> -> After the check was over, the policeman who sensed I was upset -> attempted to comfort me by explaining that most people do not know -> any better. Although it was an honest effort on the part of the -> policeman, it didn't comfort me at all. What's not comforting about "This is okay because people are stupid"? (I'm sure it would make perfect sense to me if I were stupid enough to understand it.) -> The good samaritan who called in "scared" was so afraid for -> his/her life that (s)he remained on the train and called in, -> instead of refusing to board the train in Fitchburg until I was -> checked. -> -> Can any person cry wolf and have the police immediately come? Do -> people realize that even without a headscarf, I still am just as -> Muslim? -> -> These questions are just some of the things the public overlooks -> when it comes to acts of security. I overlooked these issues also, -> until it happened to me. I ask readers to seriously think about my -> story and ask yourself, "Do I want to be next?" -> -> Hala Saadeh -> Fitchburg Why would I want to be next? I'm a patient person, I'm sure they'll get around to needlessly strip-searching me sooner or later. Probably before they even summon me for jury duty again. -- K. I'm safe from harassment as long as there are no terrorists from Finland. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Special Gift for Stacia Date: Wed, 11 Aug 2004 21:12:12 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Stacia * stacia@xmission.com * The Glitter Ninja > > > > Oh, Glitter Ninja! > > > > Real Ultimate Power AND Glamour!!!! > > > > TOTALLY SWEET! AND GLAMOUROUS! > > Is this the part where I get really scared? Because I am. Terri is > never nice to anyone unless it's a set-up for major pain. Aw, Stacia, you're such a cute widdle sweetie-pie. I sure do like you even more than ice cream. Want a bite of my only taco? > Stacia * stacia@xmission.com * The Glitter Ninja > Joy! Betrayal! Pain! Anger! Resolve! Vengeance! Blood! Glory! Coupons. Hmm, I should print up some coupons. I used to award Secret Bonus Points invisibly to those who amused me, but from now on maybe I should just give them coupons entitling them to something, like a half-off haircut. -- K. Now, HUGS FOR EVERYONE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: When couches eat people Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 09:51:45 -0400 [from www.wsvn.com, and I know I'm going to get complaints about this one] -> -> Four-Hundred-Eighty-Pound Woman Dies After Six Years On Couch -> -> STUART -- A 480-pound Martin County woman has died after emergency -> workers tried to remove her from the couch where she had remained -> for about six years. Must've been one of those flesh-eating vinyl couches. Bare butt plus vinyl makes Krazy Ass Glue. -> Gayle Laverne Grinds died yesterday, after a failed six-hour effort -> to dislodge her from the couch in her home. I'm surprised the batteries in the cattle prod lasted six hours. SEND YOUR COMPLAINTS TO: "COMPLAINTS" P.O. BOX 1 COMPLAINTYTOWN, USA -> Workers say the home was filthy, and Grinds was too large to get -> up from the couch to even use the bathroom. But then I'd expect that only part of the home would be filthy. For instance, the area across the room from the couch would be relatively clean if she didn't have a good throwing arm, and the bathroom must've been spotless! -> A preliminary autopsy on the the four-foot, ten-inch woman Hey! No fair measuring sideways! -> lists the cause of death as "morbid obesity." But officials -> want to know more about the circumstances inside the home. -> -> [...] -> -> Emergency workers had to remove some sliding glass doors and lift the -> couch, with Grinds still on it, to a trailer behind a pickup truck. Good thing they didn't manage to separate her from the couch. She'd have gotten stuck to the trailer, or worse, to one of the emergency workers. -> She died at Martin Memorial Hospital South, still attached to the couch. So will this be a traditional Guiness-Book-style piano-crate funeral, or will they use a couch crate? -> Neighbors say they had no idea Grinds lived at the duplex [...] What, they didn't notice all the stuff in their refrigerator sliding to one side due to the immense gravitational pull between her and all food items in the vicinity? REMEMBER, SEND YOUR COMPLAINTS TO: "COMPLAINTS" P.O. BOX 1 COMPLAINTYTOWN, USA (NO FATTIES) -- K. I know that overweight people won't actually send me any letters, because they'd just eat the delicious stamps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: John McEnroe's TV show might suck the super suckola of suckytown. Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 10:26:15 -0400 [from www.cnn.com] -> -> Love, McEnroe: New show gets 0.0 rating YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS! THAT VIEWER WAS TUNED IN! WHY DON'T YOU GROW SOME HAIR? -> CNBC: 'We're taking the long view' -> -> Thursday, August 12, 2004 Posted: 8:26 AM EDT (1226 GMT) -> -> NEW YORK (Hollywood Reporter) -- Patience is the watchword at CNBC, -> despite low ratings for the cable channel's fledgling primetime -> lineup, especially tennis star-turned-talker John McEnroe, whose show -> has twice registered a 0.0 rating. Yeah, but so did Alan Thicke's "Thicke Of The Night". I know! We could put McEnroe and Thicke together to see if we could get a negative rating! -> For years, CNBC has been trying to find a primetime identity apart -> from its markets-and-business focus so familiar to daytime viewers. -> Beginning with "Dennis Miller" this year and continuing last month -> with the debut of "McEnroe," CNBC has tried a different tack. -> -> "McEnroe" premiered -- amid heavy promotion and plugs by NBC Universal -> chief Jeff Zucker -- on July 7 to a 0.3 household rating and 266,000 -> viewers, according to Nielsen Media Research. -> -> Since then, the 10 p.m. talk show's ratings haven't been all that much -> to write home about. It's failed to hold an audience from its lead-in, -> "Dennis Miller." And in recent weeks "McEnroe" achieved a mark of -> dubious distinction, once on July 27 during the Democratic National -> Convention and again August 2, with a 0.0 household rating. -> -> The average audience for "McEnroe" hit a low of 39,000 on July 27. -> Monday's show averaged 66,000 viewers with a 0.1 household rating. 39,000? Holy patheticness, Batman! Last time Usenet newsgroup ratings were measured -- back around 1995, when the Internet was much less-populated -- alt.religion.kibology was credited with 80,000 viewers. CNBC, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF JOHN McENROE'S ASS AND GIVE ME THE SHOW I SO RICHLY DESERVE. AND SPEAKING OF RICHLY, I DON'T WORK FOR FREE. -> CNBC executives said it's not necessarily about the ratings, -> particularly with "McEnroe." They're trying to win the whole match, -> not just an individual game. But the strategy of trying to win by holding onto your ZERO-rated shows only works if you do it in a Boomerang Zone. -> "When you're trying to do something as unique as we are during -> primetime, you have to look at it over time," CNBC senior VP primetime -> Bob Meyers said. "We want to hold on to our business day audience, and -> expand upon that." The big question is, do you want the 0.0 rating to go up or down? Think carefully... Only one of the two answers is right. -> Brad Adgate, senior vp research at New York-based advertising agency -> Horizon Media, said the move toward personality-driven programming is -> a page right out of Fox News Channel's playbook. It's also being done -> by CNN and MSNBC. In the case of McEnroe, it's more personality-driven-the-viewers-away programming. -> Adgate said that low ratings aren't necessarily the kiss of death if, -> for instance, if the shows pull in a younger audience. Advertisers pay more to advertise to zero young people than they would to advertise to zero old people. It's simple mathematics. -> "Typically these shows have a tendency to skew older," he said. "It's -> not necessary to draw in a huge household rating as long as the -> composition holds up." I flunk your composition. Your move. -> Both "Dennis Miller" and "McEnroe" are original this week and then -> will go on hiatus for the next two weeks, with repeats following -> CNBC's Olympic boxing coverage. But Meyers said that the network will -> use that opportunity to run heightened promotions for the show and put -> it into the rotation at 8 p.m. as well as its normal 10 p.m. and -> 1 a.m. slots. (cue Tim Kazurinsky wearing a cardboard mask of his own face:) "Him get no viewers at all! So let's put him on air three times a day! Here, have too much money!" -> "We're taking the long view and building this destination in prime," -> Meyers said. Sometimes the road to nowhere leads to prime time. -- K. DEAR CNBC, WHERE'S MY FUCKING SHOW? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: John McEnroe's TV show might suck the super suckola of suckytown. Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 11:03:48 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > CNBC, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF JOHN McENROE'S ASS AND GIVE ME THE SHOW > > I SO RICHLY DESERVE. AND SPEAKING OF RICHLY, I DON'T WORK FOR FREE. > > From the following site: > http://www.thecomedychannel.com.au/about/faq.aspx > > I have a really great idea/script/pilot episode - can I send it to you? > > We are always happy to look at pilot episodes and scripts/ideas for new > comedy shows. There are two people you can send your brilliant work to: > > Finished work: > The Acquisitions Manager > THE COMEDY CHANNEL > GPO Box 99 > Sydney NSW 2001 > > Scripts/Ideas: > The Production Manager > THE COMEDY CHANNEL > GPO Box 99 > Sydney NSW 2001 Since I don't think I'd want to move to Australia (too many bugs and koalas), I command you to feel free to mail them anything I've written (provided you leave my name on it and all that, and don't curse in the cover letter) just so they can see you saying "Look at this awesomely awesome talent who's on the wrong side of the world from you! Haw haw!" Besides, they might choose to make me an American field correspondent for whatever their knockoff of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart is. (The first time I typed that, it came out "American fiend correspondent". Simple typo, or deepest fantasy?) > Most of their shows are from Comedy Central in the US at the moment. And American channels don't like you sending in spec scripts and tapes. This is why you have to get me to appear on The Australian Comedy Channel so that then the scouts for American Comedy Central will see me and make me an American household name, just like they did with Dame Edna, Yahoo Serious, Gordon Elliott, and... um... is there anyone _actually_ famous from Australia, other than that guy who used to be in a battery commercial that made everyone hate and fear that brand? -- K. I might be too butch to advertise batteries the way Jocko and Robert Blake did. I guess I'll stick to doing prime-time TV shows, commercials are for sissies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm Back. Date: Thu, 12 Aug 2004 23:37:37 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > We started our trip ny flying to Toronto, renting a car, and then > driving north into Ontario to visit Vlad's ancient relatives in > Lakefield. After a pleasant nosh, we piled back into our little > rented Jeep for the trip to Buffalo. If you rented it from that Klinger fellow, it's probably Frank Burns's jeep. Check whether Hot Lips left her whip in the glove compartment. > By 10:30PM we had been driving for about four hours and were tired and > hungry as we rolled up to the border crossing at the Peace Bridge. We > waited our turn in the short line, and drove up to the booth with our > passports and smiles ready. As we pulled up to the window, the agent > asked for our passports--- and took them and put them into a manila > envelope. My eyebrows barely had time to shoot up past my hairline > before I noticed a man in a florescent yellow vest approaching the > back of the car, and a guard with a gun and a box in his hand > approaching from the front. At the same moment the phone rang in the > booth and we heard the woman agent say: > > "Yes, I have them and I've taken their ID. I'll be asking them some > questions." > > Now melodrama usually trails after me like a tattered hem, but this > was something completely beyond my experience. I was alarmed, to say > the very least. Apparently so were they. The woman leaned in toward > the window of the car. > > "Have either of you had any medical tests recently?" she asked. > > "Yes, I have," I warbled after a moment, remembering that only the day > before I'd had a MIBI heart test that required the injection of a > radioactive tracer. I heard a clickclickclickclick sound and looked > around to see the guard pointing his box--- a Geiger counter---toward > me. Clickclickclickclick! > > They though I was a bomb. Did you start singing "Sex Bomb"? I would've. > We had to pull over and I had to get out of the car so that Vlad could > drive through another set of sensors to assure that he and the car > were "clean." Whatever was left of the tracer in my body had been > enough to trip the sensitive radioactivity sensors at the border--- > reassuring, I guess! After checking my passport and Vlad's, they let > me back into the car and sent us on our way. Completely unstrung by > the experience I looked over at my husband for support, sympathy, and > reassurance. > > "BOY!," he said, smiling, "THAT was cool!" > > Men. I bet the rest of the trip he was thinking about how much money he could make smuggling plutonium into the country by sticking it up his hinder after getting a MIBI test. Also he probably kept saying "MIBI MIBI MIBI" while fantasizing about an unholy cross-breeding of the Road Runner, Twiki, Zippy, and Mork. -- K. So how was the rest of your vacation in Guantanamo? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay marriages eaten by hurrican Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 23:32:26 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Ok, all the hurricane nonsense pushed off the news of some gay governor > resigning and some four thousand gay marriages bein annuled. Seeing as how > Florida is too busy being smashed by mother nature, what's the deal here? > > P.S. I'mf ine Why, did you get married in Massachusetts? -- K. And now that the gay governor's resigned, do you think he'll do "Terminator 4"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kurt Stocklmeir Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 04:17:05 -0400 BioBoy (bioboi25@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Hey all- > > I have a bit of an odd question for anyone who might be able to help. > I'm a biology grad student at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA. > To make a long story...well.....less long, here goes - > > My girlfriend and I live in a building with a guy who stands outside > at all hours....he is constantly there, he just stands there and sorta > threatens people. He can probably tell you've been kissing a girl who has the blood of animals between her teeth. > It's extremely unnerving, and not very funny anymore. He makes most > people in our building very uncomfortable, and two have moved out > because of what he is doing. So anyway, he has "CURSE OF ODU" on > the back of his car (until recently; it's gone now). What's gone, the curse or the lettering or the car or the university? > Me, the eternally internet savvy, typed that phrase into a search > engine thinking it might be in somebody's blog...and goddamnit, it is. Whose? > So I'm finding it's now consistently tied with this guy's name (see > subject line), and his posts make his presence all the more > frightening. You mean he's real? As in he actually exists and isn't just some malfunctioning computer program stuck in "10 PRINT 'SLIMES': GOTO 10"? That is frightening. Occasionally some hoity-toity philosopher will attempt to convince me that I can't prove to myself that I exist, and that notion doesn't frighten me at all, but hearing proof that Kurt exists, that's more horrifying than a walk-in vagina dentata. > From what I can tell, this is all from like four years ago...so I > understand if it doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. However, if > you can help fill us in a bit, we'd really appreciate it. Everything's clear once you read the faqy. Once you read the faqy, you'll understand Kurt's theories. Of course, his theories are cursed, so if you understand them, you're cursed too. Me, I understand everything except what a "faqy" is. But may be I am cursed because I have rinds of pigs between my teeth and covering my legs. > I don't know if the guy needs psychiatric hospitalization or what, > but it's not cool anymore. Yeah, I miss the days back when Kurt was really cool. That was before he lost his cool by accidentally touching his butt to another man's butt. (That also happened to Fonzie once, but he got better by the next episode. Sadly, Kurt's having an eternal episode.) -- K. I wish my theories would be cursed instead of just awesome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 11:58:14 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] KER-CHUNK! New improved four-way-stretch Kontext-Away peels off all context, rolls it up into a Context Roll-Up, and eats it, then pretends not to barf. > Irritation is the key. Sand under spandex: irritation! YAPPLE-DAPPLE! Kontext-Away shrivels up faster than Arnold Schwarzenegger's testicles, then is put away in the same locked bank vault they were! Anyway, Jeremy, I think you have invented a new class of fetishwear: sandex. Just as we have spandex and splodex and Soundex and Windex, sandex would be an exciting new way to titillate those who enjoy having their skin abraded away. Then of course as it healed, their flesh would incorporate the tight sandex garments as part of its skin, like that fat lady who grew into the couch. (By the way, further news reports on her did detail that her flesh really was grown onto the couch, though they did not adjust her total weight to include the couch.) -- K. Hey, some people like irritation. You know, the ones who attempt to buy food at Arby's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 17:03:01 -0400 Michael Malloy (vortexofterror@vortexofterror.com) wrote: > > > > This is not a sport. It's network-televised soft porn. Duuuuude, someday you should stay up 'til 10:00 so you'll discover beer commercials. Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Speaking of porn, saw this on a bumpersticker the other day: > > PORN It's cheaper than dating. He paid $5.95 for that bumper sticker. -- K. The perfect bumper sticker would combine "I LIKE PORN", "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" into one witty catchphrase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 23:38:47 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > would combine "I LIKE PORN", > > "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" > > BABY WATCHING WESLEY > SNUFF PORN ON BOARD See, this is why in the 1980s I decided not to get a car. A regular "BABY ON BOARD AND THEREFORE MY CAR'S PASSENGERS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CAR'S PASSENGERS" diamond provokes me into fits of finger-raising, but things like the "BABY WATCHING WESLEY SNUFF PORN ON BOARD" bumper stickers you used to see are like a "CRASH INTO ME OVER AND OVER" sign to me. That's one of the reasons people don't have that particular bumper sticker any more. That and the way people were disappointed when they found out that videotape was fake. -- K. If I had a car, it absolutely would have to have an "EVIL BASTARD ON BOARD" diamond. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 19:41:42 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The perfect bumper sticker > > would combine "I LIKE PORN", > > "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" > > into one witty catchphrase. > > I like Wesley porn, baby? "Who let THE BOY into MY ASS!" yelled Picard as Wesley sensually rubbed the captain's glimmering cranium with poly-diquaternium 47, the most futuristic lubricant known to future humanity. But just then, a Transporter malfunction caused Spock to materialize... without his clothes. You can't be serious about liking that. If you do, then you write the second paragraph, I want nothing to do with this terrible Wesley porn you're collecting in your slashy, slutty slush-pile. > Just a thought... Oh, and then Wesley has to have Spock's baby on board the Enterprise. > -=D=- > ...wandering off... Come back, come back! We haven't gotten to the Tasha/Data shaving scene yet! Then Lt. Uhura travels back in time to have a steamy lesbian kiss with Nichelle Nichols, and then there's some risque' party game where Gene Roddenberry gets drunk and trades clothes with Constance Penley! -- K. And then they meet this cool guy named Richard Starkey, who grows up to be... John Lennon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: by Sach Baron Cohen Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 10:08:29 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > What books include writings by the satirist Sacha Baron Cohen ?... I recommend these titles: "Go To The Library, Don", "Ask A Librarian, Don", "Use The Card Catalog, Don", and "Hey, Don, Amazon Freaking Dot Com". The last is also available as a peppy polka on 8-track and cassette. -- K. Hope this helps. In fact, I hope it holds you down and helps all over your face. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I got new eyes today Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 18:42:02 -0400 Well, after about three or four years, my old eyeglasses were pretty much shot, and I wanted a new style -- and contacts -- so I had my eye exam today. My eyes haven't gotten any better or worse -- still -10.00 diopters left, -9.75 diopters right -- and geez, this stuff is getting expensive these days. (I spent $700 at a discount place on the exam, frames, lenses, and contacts. Some of this is because my prescription is strong enough that they have to special-order things. I did save a few bucks by getting regular soft contacts and not toric ones.) As expected, everyone in the store tried to tell me I should get narrow eyeglasses because that's the style everyone is supposed to like these days, but I have eight or nine reasons why I like the big square lenses. I picked out a nice pair of large rectangular frames (which had a tiny Harley-Davidson shield faintly embossed on each temple, subtle enough that I could ignore it completely) but they came only in silver, so I was talked into getting some slightly smaller rectangular frames in a dark bronze. As for contacts, apparently now all soft contacts come with a slight blue tint, allegedly to help you find them when putting them in (but I think it's because everyone but me wants blue eyes.) I'm happy with my real color and wish the contacts didn't give them the slight blue tint. I look weird with contacts because when I take off the eyeglasses (with the powerful reducing lenses) and put the contacts in, my gray irises look enormous. Hard to believe those flimy little discs of Saran Wrap can have as much optical power as my eyeglasses. I wish they'd get a new eye chart. I have the whole damn thing memorized. Takes all the fun out of it. I don't even have to squint to know that the top letter's always going to be a big blurry "E". -- K. And never, ever, _ever_ am I getting LASIK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 21:21:32 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > [on jobs involving touching dead eyeballs, singly or by the bucketful] > > I used to help run a Gross Anatomy lab with this bloke who was also a > licensed mortician. He had this gig with the Illinois Eye Bank, where he > would be on call certain days of the week, and if he got paged it was to go > to either a hospital or to the home of a recently deceased (read: still > warm) person, to harvest the eyeballs (yes, that is the term we use). > > Once I was complaining about not having enough ready cash to make more > jumps. He offered to set me up with this gig. > > He explained what was involved, talked about enucleation and stuff, and the > sorts of situations I would be presented with. > > "In the fucking dead people's HOMES?!" I asked. "Still fucking WARM" > > "Come on, Nick, you deal with all this shit here every day. How different > could a few degrees be?" > > "Aint temperature, bro. These stiffs here are EMBALMED!" > > He just looked at me with that "And so...?" sorta look that was a dare or a > challenge to my intestinal fortitude, in effect saying, "So, you can't > HANDLE it, Nick, is that what you are saying?" > > "Well, I don't have a car anyway, so I guess the question is moot," I lamely > responded. "But out of curiosity, how much does it pay?" > > "Fifty bucks a pop." And that's how Popeye got his name. He sold one eye to pay for a case of dangerously addictive spinach. I hear he needs to sell the other eye now that he's graduated to the hard stuff, cilantro. If I ever lose an eye, I'm going to get a glass eye with a big spring behind it. That way, when I die and Nicko comes to steal my eyes, when he touches the special one it'll go "SPROINGGGG!!!" and hit him in the face, or if I'm really lucky, he'll inhale it. Also you don't want to know what I would use instead of ear wax if I worried about someone stealing my ears. -- K. I knew one guy who liked to tell me stories, when I was about seven, about pulling people's ears off. That was the second scariest thing about him. The scariest thing is that he told me those creepy stories while forcing me to talk to Mr. Hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 22:16:31 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I knew one guy who liked > > to tell me stories, when > > I was about seven, about > > pulling people's ears off. > > You knew my uncle Lester???!? I ain't sayin' I know nothin'. What sort of puppet did your uncle Lester have? Did he or his puppet have the bigger mustache? And was he unnaturally defensive about his tape recorder? Did he enjoy calling everyone "Allouicious"? Okay, so I'll tell the story about the guy with the frightening educational-aid puppet for the 97th time, but this time with some magical embellishment. So because, when I was seven, I was exposed to this evil speech therapist who owned a "Mr. High Hat" child-therapy puppet, when the first episode of "South Park" featured Mr. Garrison with that f'ing puppet, my innards nearly jumped out my eye sockets due to a childhood involving that guy with that puppet talking about ripping off ears. So I wrote to the producers of "South Park" asking them to replace Mr. Garrison's "Mr. Hat" puppet with something else. I guess I shouldn't have included that photo of myself. Also the guy who tormented me with the puppet wasn't a very good speech therapist, Jethuth Chritht! Can you spot the part where the embellishment kicked in? If you can't, then maybe I should tell you the story about the time I killed William Shatner with a solid gold ice pick. That story doesn't need any embellishment! -- K. Seriously, this guy thought it was funny to call everyone "Allouicious". Except for Mr. High Hat. The puppet's name, according to the manufacturer, was just "High Hat", but oh no, this asshole made me call him "MISTER High Hat". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 21:02:04 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Kibo (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm happy with my real [eye] color > > I bet if the contacts came with an orange tint, you would never wear > regular glasses. Several years ago, I entertained the idea of getting orange contacts just to freak people out. (When I mentioned it here, it made quite an impression on Archimedes Plutonium.) Fluorescent orange would have been nice, orange dicroic glass would have been even cooler. In 1998, I wrote: -> -> Big deal. I have contact lenses with pictures of eyeglasses printed on -> them to make people think I'm not so vain that I wear contacts. BEAT THAT! And back in 1994, I trolled Archie before he was even Archie: => => From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) => Subject: Re: NEANDERTHAL PARK2, skits 1&2 of 22 => Newsgroups: sci.physics, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, => alt.religion.kibology, alt.cesium => Date: Tue, 24 May 1994 05:59:14 GMT => => Ludwig Plutonium (Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: => > => > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: => > > => > > [re Ludwig's "Neanderthal Park" movies] => > > But... Ludwig... if I play you... then who plays me? Mike Nelson could => > > probably do a good Kibo impression. Brent Spiner could do it too. => > > => > > Also, who's my stunt double? Will I get a cut of the profits from the => > > action figures? => > => > Well okay James. I do not want the actors going on strike just yet. I => > don't want to see an overglut on the waiter industry. I am working on a => > superskit that will take the entire Neanderthal Park3 movie. It is a => > take-off on the Life of Brian and it has Smokey the Bear in it. Which => > do you want in that movie, Kibo? Do you want Smokey the Bear? You'll be => > in a tree wearing a bear costume and you will have to say in a deep => > voice "Remember, only you can prevent,,, Or you can have the lead role => > of Jesus. => => I wouldn't mind Jesus, although I'll have to wear my glasses, because => the only pair of contact lenses I own are tinted fluorescent orange. => [...] Also, I may not be a bear, but I am getting good at saying in a deep voice, "Remember, only you can prevent comma comma comma or you can have the lead role of Jesus." Getting back to the orange contacts, a while ago I decided to be proud of the way all the color had faded from my eyes leaving them this completely neutral medium gray (I call it "steel" because it is a little iridescent.) A lot of people with blue eyes have them fade to a light gray (Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller have light gray eyes, if I recall correctly) but my medium gray is a little unusual, and looks eeries when it's next to brilliantly-colored hair! The gray color is so odd that I look like I'm wearing some weird sort of "Star Trek" contacts even when I'm not. -- K. And I had forgotten that Archie coined the term "superskit". Now if you'll excuse me, I had Indian food for lunck, so I need to belck and go take a superskit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:36:22 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, after about three or four years, my old eyeglasses were pretty > > much shot, and I wanted a new style -- and contacts -- so I had my > > eye exam today. > > What a coincidence, I got new eyes yesterday, too. My left eye has > actually improved to 20-50. (Sound of the Thunderbirds' nuclear-powered zeppelin airlifting the world's largest imaginary microscopic violin so I can play all four notes of "Aww, Poor Baby!" because you have 20/50 which probably requires about -1.0 diopter correction, while I'm at -10.0, which is way off the bottom of the Snellen chart but is probably on the order of 20/1000 to 20/2000.) > The lens cost $115. AWW, POOR BABY BEING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH THE WORLD'S LARGEST IMAGINARY MICROSCOPIC VIOLIN! I paid about $500 for one pair of lenses (the super-high-index material so they won't be thicker than waffles), $100 for the frames, $100 for the exam. And of course I still have to order some disposable contacts. > I kept my old frames, so I wouldn't frighten children. Are you sure that's impossible? Have you tried twirling a dental drill around your head while biting the head off an Elmo doll and yelling "FREE CAULIFLOWER!"? > Also, the frames are from Italy, so I can claim to have designer glasses. As opposed to the other kind, which were naturally-formed through erosion. > It's all about looking cool, No, it's all about me looking cooler than you. -- K. Sit on it, nerd! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:25:28 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [Kibo said he's never, _ever_ getting laser-eye surgery] > > > > Me either.I listened to a story about it once. > > When he got to the part where he said could _hear_a flap of loosened > > eyeball skin being lifted up with a soft riiiiping noise,well,that's > > all it took to convince me. > > Aw, your just a coupl'a wuses! I've had sharp pointy things poked into > my eye-bulbs twice and it's not so bad. Okay, how about rusty dull things? Come over here and I'll help you do a compare-and-contrast. > When they peel a membrane off your retina, they put you under long > enough to not feel the entrance of sharp pointy things, then use a local > to keep you pain-free, but you are still aware of what's going on around > you. The worst part was when they taped my eyelids open. ALL TOGETHER NOW: (bouncy Moog music) Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen Durch des Himmels prŠchten Plan, laufet, BrŸder, eure Bahn, freudig, wie ein Held zum Siegen. Okay, everyone kick Wiblur in the crotch and see whether he even tries to fight back. > Surgery #1 - I got to listen to one of the people in the O.R. sing "All > My Ex's Live In Texas" and heard various discussions of the "See Clearly > Method" of trained squinting as opposed to non-quack approaches to > improved eyesight. What about the Bates Method? That involves being able to Throw! Away! Your! Glasses! while dressing up as your dead mother. > Surgery #2 - As I was going under, I vaguely recall discussing the finer > points of playing Scottish folk music on the bouzouki with the head > nurse (who had a thick Scottish accent and I'm sure was absolutely > fascinated with my knowledge of the music of her native land). And then, when you woke up, you realized that you'd permanently forgotten everything you knew about Scotland, music, or sexy nurses. Also you were in a straitjacket. And they had sold your eyes on the black market after secretly replacing them with Folger's Crystals. > Also, how often do you get to hear the phrase: "Looks like there is a > small hole in the retina, hand me the LASER!" I would have worded that slightly differently: "Looks like there is a small hole in the retina, hand me the FUCKING LASER!" -- K. (it's better than a regular laser) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 18:47:56 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > While inquiring as to the location of the Education Building, some > young mope just called me "Sir." > > GRRRR! It's so irritating that kids can't tell who's worthy of respect and who isn't. -- K. If you want people to refer to you as "young man", try dyeing your male pattern baldness fluorescent orange. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 01:49:55 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > [...] young mope just called me "Sir." > > Shut up. We went to IHOP last night, and the cashier waited to see if > we were going to claim a Senior Citizens' discount. So how much money did you save on your Old-Timer's Flapjack Dee-Lite? Did you get the "Victorian style" one with the coating of camphor, the "Newfangled" one topped with Sen-Sen, or the "Old Fart" one dusted with Gold Bond Medicated Powder? Today at the supermarket a guy came up to me and demanded, "Where's the beer aisle?" quite bluntly, because obviously I was the guy in the supermarket who looked the most like he knew a lot about beer, because nobody else was dressed a third as macho as me. I win. -- K. Dude, if you went to IHOP, then you _are_ a senior citizen. Better hurry up and subscribe to "Reader's Digest". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:06:25 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today at the supermarket a guy came up to me and demanded, "Where's the > > beer aisle?" quite bluntly, > > Do they even have beer aisles in the supermarkets down there in 617? > We've got them up here in 978, but only in select stores that are within > X miles of the New Hampshire border. Because in Massachusetts, it's > only legal to buy beer in the same place you buy toilet paper if the > state stands to lose tax money if you don't mind driving X miles to wipe > your bum. Or something like that; I'll have to ask Don Saklad to look > up the pertinent law the next time he's in the beer aisle of the Boston > Public Library. The way Massachusetts law works is, to protect the independent liquor stores that fill up Mission Hill, no business is allowed to have more than three licenses to sell booze. So there are three Stop & Shops with liquor departments (which are in the center of the store, so they have a folding metal fence that they can put around that area on Sundays to comply with the blue laws) and three Shaw's with liquor departments. They move from store to store depending on where the business is, and (mostly) on which store is the newest and therefore swankiest. The Shaw's at the Prudential is clearly one of their flagship stores, as it's gigantic. There's a big liquor department on the upper level (yes, it's a supermarket with an upstairs. The steps are behind the smaller of the two sushi counters.) Here's how big and hip this supermarket is: Once I encountered another leatherman there (and not during one of the conventions at the Pru or anything.) I've only spotted leathermen in the wild at one other big local market (and not even the little Star down the street from the Ramrod.) So, anyway, the Prudential Shaw's is so well-populated that it's coincidentally contained more than one leatherman at a time. (Their old location around the corner -- the Prudential Star -- always used to be full of crazy people, whereas the Prudential Shaw's seems to be full of saner, sexier people. Like me.) -- K. On the other hand, it is the closest market to the Boston Public Library, so there's a chance it does contain one wacko. (I don't know what Don looks like, so I can't tell for sure.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Just in case anyone ever asked where I went to college... Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 21:30:34 -0400 The Princeton Review just published their yearly compendium of factoidal survey data on what college students think of their colleges. I looked up two of the three colleges I attended (one was too minor to be listed) for your amusement. -> Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's -> Best 357 Colleges Rankings -> -> Rank List Category -> -> #6 Professors Get Low Marks Academics -> -> #19 Election? What election? Politics -> -> #15 Least Happy Students Quality of Life -> -> #3 More To Do On Campus Social -> -> #13 Town-Gown Relations Are Strained Social Only #13? You mean there are twelve colleges in towns that have things worse than Troylets living in them? -> Emerson College's -> Best 357 Colleges Rankings -> -> Rank List Category -> -> #6 Students Dissatisfied With Financial Aid Administration -> -> #17 Gay Community Accepted Demographics -> -> #13 Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis Demographics -> -> #1 Great College Radio Station Extracurriculars -> -> #3 Great College Theatre Extracurriculars -> -> #12 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular Extracurriculars -> Or Nonexistent -> -> #2 Nobody Plays Intramural Sports Extracurriculars -> -> #19 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, School Type -> Clove-Smoking Vegetarians -> -> #5 Dodge Ball Targets School Type -> -> #11 Great College Towns Social How can the students be "Dodge Ball Targets" when Emerson doesn't even have any sports as real as dodgeball? I note that some school I never heard of -- Eugene Lang College -- not only beats Emerson at "Nobody Plays Intermural Sports" (#1), but also at "Dodge Ball Targets" (#1) and also "Gay Community Accepted" (#1). So if you ever attend Eugene Lang, you'll get constantly pummelled by dodgeballs unless you turn gay. The coolest thing about Emerson College: Emerson's "Great College Town", at #11, beats whatever crappy town Northeastern University (#13), Boston University (#18), and Boston College (#20) are in. HAW HAW! -- K. I still can't believe that Schenectady County Community College didn't make the "Best 357 Colleges". It must have been #358 on the list of top schools. And about #99999999 on "Great College Towns". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: porn gets banned in Boston, but Silly String's banned in L.A. Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 01:36:52 -0400 [via www.cnn.com] -> -> LA takes silly string seriously -> -> Tuesday, August 17, 2004 Posted: 10:05 PM EDT (0205 GMT) -> -> LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- "Silly string," a colorful -> aerosol foam that children spray on each other, is not so silly -> after all, at least not in Los Angeles. So in L.A., if silly string is regular non-silly string, does that means that regular string is silly string? Up is down? Black is white? Potsie is Fonzie? -> The city council voted Tuesday to ban the use of the string-like -> plastic derivative in Hollywood on Halloween because of -> environmental and security concerns. -> -> Liberal use of the stringy foam by Halloween revelers had sparked -> fights in years past on Hollywood Boulevard, officials said. "I'm gonna cut you 'cause you got Silly String all over Bob Hope's star!" -> "People get a little crazed at the end of the evening and they -> shoot the spray into each other's faces," said Jane Galbraith, -> spokeswoman for ban sponsor Councilman Tom LaBonge. Well duh! That's what you're supposed to do with it! If you disagree, prove it by naming one _fun_ thing you can do with it other than spraying it in someone's face. -> Merchants complained it was hard to clean up, while -> environmentalists charged that it harmed marine life when it -> drained from the streets into the ocean because it was not -> biodegradable. -> -> "It's not silly at all," LaBonge told reporters. He then marched around the room flailing his arms yelling "I AM NOT BEING SILLY! I AM NOT BEING SILLY! I AM NOT BEING SILLY!" until his pants fell down. -> The council voted 10-0 in favor of the ban and must approve the -> ordinance one more time for it to become law. -> -> Galbraith said silly string offenders would face fines between -> $200 and $1,000. Why the big price range? Is it based on what color the string is, or is it just priced by the foot? -- K. Extra points for getting it up both nostrils? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I think I'll buy me a trailer home Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:49:56 -0400 [on some stupid hurricane that causes people to wrap their lines real short] Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose mobile homes are cheaper to replace. > > Trying to prevent a barrier island from moving > > is just a collosal waste of money. I wouldn't > > buy beachfront property in southern Louisianna > > either. > > Closest things to beaches in Louisiana are the > barrier islands. Glorified sandbars, really. > The folks out there who whine about their dis- > appearing way of life really bug me. The islands > will moooove! They might be a good place to > moor your fishing boats, but don't expect more. > And I'm sorry the price of shrimp has gone down, > but technology and farming have made great > strides. Three generations of shrimpers does > not an entitlement make. Grr. All's I know is that whenever I rent the "Three Generations Of Shrimpers" video I'm terribly dissapointed. Granny doesn't have foxy feet! Also, how come mobile homes are on wheels instead of hanging from some hippie's ceiling with a bunch of dangly cutout shapes that swirls around in the breeze? And could we please dig up Calder long enough to explain to him that nobody is ever going to use his "stabile" term for "sculpture that isn't a mobile" because we can just say "sculpture" because sculptures aren't mobiles because mobiles aren't art because you can buy them at head shops? -- K. Oh, and those glow-in-the-dark stars you can stick on your bedroom ceiling? Your sleeping position determines whether you'll get face cancer or ass cancer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A surprise for all Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:52:50 -0400 I GIVE YOU GAS NOW!!! There, now you have gas. You're welcome. When the Convention Of All Scientists In The World Who Aren't Insane gave me this power, I promised to only use it for good, never evil. And I'm sure some good could come out of the fact that now you have gas. -- K. It's nice being the only one here who doesn't have gas. No, wait, it isn't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 12:14:27 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and > too plain. I can put something interesting after my signature, like a > paradox, and change it, rather than repeating the same thing, again and > again. > > -- S. > This sentence is false. Hey, everyone, I just got a new .signature! And here it is! Get used to it, because I'll _never_ get tired of using it! -- K. -- "I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and too plain [...] repeating the same thing, again and again." -- SETH GOLDIN -- "I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and too plain [...] repeating the same thing, again and again." -- SETH GOLDIN ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 12:20:09 -0400 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > Let's have a look at a profile of newbie Seth Goldin: > > > > VO: Here in the lovely village of Hammerstag, life is simple. > > > > VO: Somehow these remote places seem to produce more than their share of > successful and even great athletes. Such a man is the youthful but > remarkably focussed Seth Goldin, who at the age of twenty-three, is > attempting to join the ranks of Terry Austin, the Maverick, and B1FF as > a top USENET troll. Let's see how he spends his day: > > thirty minutes, during which times various animals stroll across the > field of view. Eventually, what appears to be a somewhat frayed and > cheap-looking La-Z-Boy chair exits the hut, shuffles to the outhouse > and enters.> > > VO: Well, that's pretty much it, folks. I don't get it. Are you saying that Seth gives chairs diarrhea? Oh, wait, he's supposed to be furniture. I forgot. Sometimes I forget things about people who are really furniture. -- K. And how fake was your nature documentary? Marty Stouffer fake, Walt Disney fake, or just Marlin Perkins fake?