From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kurt Stocklmeir Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 04:17:05 -0400 BioBoy (bioboi25@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Hey all- > > I have a bit of an odd question for anyone who might be able to help. > I'm a biology grad student at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA. > To make a long story...well.....less long, here goes - > > My girlfriend and I live in a building with a guy who stands outside > at all hours....he is constantly there, he just stands there and sorta > threatens people. He can probably tell you've been kissing a girl who has the blood of animals between her teeth. > It's extremely unnerving, and not very funny anymore. He makes most > people in our building very uncomfortable, and two have moved out > because of what he is doing. So anyway, he has "CURSE OF ODU" on > the back of his car (until recently; it's gone now). What's gone, the curse or the lettering or the car or the university? > Me, the eternally internet savvy, typed that phrase into a search > engine thinking it might be in somebody's blog...and goddamnit, it is. Whose? > So I'm finding it's now consistently tied with this guy's name (see > subject line), and his posts make his presence all the more > frightening. You mean he's real? As in he actually exists and isn't just some malfunctioning computer program stuck in "10 PRINT 'SLIMES': GOTO 10"? That is frightening. Occasionally some hoity-toity philosopher will attempt to convince me that I can't prove to myself that I exist, and that notion doesn't frighten me at all, but hearing proof that Kurt exists, that's more horrifying than a walk-in vagina dentata. > From what I can tell, this is all from like four years ago...so I > understand if it doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. However, if > you can help fill us in a bit, we'd really appreciate it. Everything's clear once you read the faqy. Once you read the faqy, you'll understand Kurt's theories. Of course, his theories are cursed, so if you understand them, you're cursed too. Me, I understand everything except what a "faqy" is. But may be I am cursed because I have rinds of pigs between my teeth and covering my legs. > I don't know if the guy needs psychiatric hospitalization or what, > but it's not cool anymore. Yeah, I miss the days back when Kurt was really cool. That was before he lost his cool by accidentally touching his butt to another man's butt. (That also happened to Fonzie once, but he got better by the next episode. Sadly, Kurt's having an eternal episode.) -- K. I wish my theories would be cursed instead of just awesome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 11:58:14 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] KER-CHUNK! New improved four-way-stretch Kontext-Away peels off all context, rolls it up into a Context Roll-Up, and eats it, then pretends not to barf. > Irritation is the key. Sand under spandex: irritation! YAPPLE-DAPPLE! Kontext-Away shrivels up faster than Arnold Schwarzenegger's testicles, then is put away in the same locked bank vault they were! Anyway, Jeremy, I think you have invented a new class of fetishwear: sandex. Just as we have spandex and splodex and Soundex and Windex, sandex would be an exciting new way to titillate those who enjoy having their skin abraded away. Then of course as it healed, their flesh would incorporate the tight sandex garments as part of its skin, like that fat lady who grew into the couch. (By the way, further news reports on her did detail that her flesh really was grown onto the couch, though they did not adjust her total weight to include the couch.) -- K. Hey, some people like irritation. You know, the ones who attempt to buy food at Arby's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 17:03:01 -0400 Michael Malloy (vortexofterror@vortexofterror.com) wrote: > > > > This is not a sport. It's network-televised soft porn. Duuuuude, someday you should stay up 'til 10:00 so you'll discover beer commercials. Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Speaking of porn, saw this on a bumpersticker the other day: > > PORN It's cheaper than dating. He paid $5.95 for that bumper sticker. -- K. The perfect bumper sticker would combine "I LIKE PORN", "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" into one witty catchphrase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 23:38:47 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > would combine "I LIKE PORN", > > "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" > > BABY WATCHING WESLEY > SNUFF PORN ON BOARD See, this is why in the 1980s I decided not to get a car. A regular "BABY ON BOARD AND THEREFORE MY CAR'S PASSENGERS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CAR'S PASSENGERS" diamond provokes me into fits of finger-raising, but things like the "BABY WATCHING WESLEY SNUFF PORN ON BOARD" bumper stickers you used to see are like a "CRASH INTO ME OVER AND OVER" sign to me. That's one of the reasons people don't have that particular bumper sticker any more. That and the way people were disappointed when they found out that videotape was fake. -- K. If I had a car, it absolutely would have to have an "EVIL BASTARD ON BOARD" diamond. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball Date: Sun, 15 Aug 2004 19:41:42 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The perfect bumper sticker > > would combine "I LIKE PORN", > > "KILL WESLEY", and "BABY ON BOARD" > > into one witty catchphrase. > > I like Wesley porn, baby? "Who let THE BOY into MY ASS!" yelled Picard as Wesley sensually rubbed the captain's glimmering cranium with poly-diquaternium 47, the most futuristic lubricant known to future humanity. But just then, a Transporter malfunction caused Spock to materialize... without his clothes. You can't be serious about liking that. If you do, then you write the second paragraph, I want nothing to do with this terrible Wesley porn you're collecting in your slashy, slutty slush-pile. > Just a thought... Oh, and then Wesley has to have Spock's baby on board the Enterprise. > -=D=- > ...wandering off... Come back, come back! We haven't gotten to the Tasha/Data shaving scene yet! Then Lt. Uhura travels back in time to have a steamy lesbian kiss with Nichelle Nichols, and then there's some risque' party game where Gene Roddenberry gets drunk and trades clothes with Constance Penley! -- K. And then they meet this cool guy named Richard Starkey, who grows up to be... John Lennon! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: by Sach Baron Cohen Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 10:08:29 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > What books include writings by the satirist Sacha Baron Cohen ?... I recommend these titles: "Go To The Library, Don", "Ask A Librarian, Don", "Use The Card Catalog, Don", and "Hey, Don, Amazon Freaking Dot Com". The last is also available as a peppy polka on 8-track and cassette. -- K. Hope this helps. In fact, I hope it holds you down and helps all over your face. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I got new eyes today Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 18:42:02 -0400 Well, after about three or four years, my old eyeglasses were pretty much shot, and I wanted a new style -- and contacts -- so I had my eye exam today. My eyes haven't gotten any better or worse -- still -10.00 diopters left, -9.75 diopters right -- and geez, this stuff is getting expensive these days. (I spent $700 at a discount place on the exam, frames, lenses, and contacts. Some of this is because my prescription is strong enough that they have to special-order things. I did save a few bucks by getting regular soft contacts and not toric ones.) As expected, everyone in the store tried to tell me I should get narrow eyeglasses because that's the style everyone is supposed to like these days, but I have eight or nine reasons why I like the big square lenses. I picked out a nice pair of large rectangular frames (which had a tiny Harley-Davidson shield faintly embossed on each temple, subtle enough that I could ignore it completely) but they came only in silver, so I was talked into getting some slightly smaller rectangular frames in a dark bronze. As for contacts, apparently now all soft contacts come with a slight blue tint, allegedly to help you find them when putting them in (but I think it's because everyone but me wants blue eyes.) I'm happy with my real color and wish the contacts didn't give them the slight blue tint. I look weird with contacts because when I take off the eyeglasses (with the powerful reducing lenses) and put the contacts in, my gray irises look enormous. Hard to believe those flimy little discs of Saran Wrap can have as much optical power as my eyeglasses. I wish they'd get a new eye chart. I have the whole damn thing memorized. Takes all the fun out of it. I don't even have to squint to know that the top letter's always going to be a big blurry "E". -- K. And never, ever, _ever_ am I getting LASIK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 21:21:32 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > [on jobs involving touching dead eyeballs, singly or by the bucketful] > > I used to help run a Gross Anatomy lab with this bloke who was also a > licensed mortician. He had this gig with the Illinois Eye Bank, where he > would be on call certain days of the week, and if he got paged it was to go > to either a hospital or to the home of a recently deceased (read: still > warm) person, to harvest the eyeballs (yes, that is the term we use). > > Once I was complaining about not having enough ready cash to make more > jumps. He offered to set me up with this gig. > > He explained what was involved, talked about enucleation and stuff, and the > sorts of situations I would be presented with. > > "In the fucking dead people's HOMES?!" I asked. "Still fucking WARM" > > "Come on, Nick, you deal with all this shit here every day. How different > could a few degrees be?" > > "Aint temperature, bro. These stiffs here are EMBALMED!" > > He just looked at me with that "And so...?" sorta look that was a dare or a > challenge to my intestinal fortitude, in effect saying, "So, you can't > HANDLE it, Nick, is that what you are saying?" > > "Well, I don't have a car anyway, so I guess the question is moot," I lamely > responded. "But out of curiosity, how much does it pay?" > > "Fifty bucks a pop." And that's how Popeye got his name. He sold one eye to pay for a case of dangerously addictive spinach. I hear he needs to sell the other eye now that he's graduated to the hard stuff, cilantro. If I ever lose an eye, I'm going to get a glass eye with a big spring behind it. That way, when I die and Nicko comes to steal my eyes, when he touches the special one it'll go "SPROINGGGG!!!" and hit him in the face, or if I'm really lucky, he'll inhale it. Also you don't want to know what I would use instead of ear wax if I worried about someone stealing my ears. -- K. I knew one guy who liked to tell me stories, when I was about seven, about pulling people's ears off. That was the second scariest thing about him. The scariest thing is that he told me those creepy stories while forcing me to talk to Mr. Hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 22:16:31 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I knew one guy who liked > > to tell me stories, when > > I was about seven, about > > pulling people's ears off. > > You knew my uncle Lester???!? I ain't sayin' I know nothin'. What sort of puppet did your uncle Lester have? Did he or his puppet have the bigger mustache? And was he unnaturally defensive about his tape recorder? Did he enjoy calling everyone "Allouicious"? Okay, so I'll tell the story about the guy with the frightening educational-aid puppet for the 97th time, but this time with some magical embellishment. So because, when I was seven, I was exposed to this evil speech therapist who owned a "Mr. High Hat" child-therapy puppet, when the first episode of "South Park" featured Mr. Garrison with that f'ing puppet, my innards nearly jumped out my eye sockets due to a childhood involving that guy with that puppet talking about ripping off ears. So I wrote to the producers of "South Park" asking them to replace Mr. Garrison's "Mr. Hat" puppet with something else. I guess I shouldn't have included that photo of myself. Also the guy who tormented me with the puppet wasn't a very good speech therapist, Jethuth Chritht! Can you spot the part where the embellishment kicked in? If you can't, then maybe I should tell you the story about the time I killed William Shatner with a solid gold ice pick. That story doesn't need any embellishment! -- K. Seriously, this guy thought it was funny to call everyone "Allouicious". Except for Mr. High Hat. The puppet's name, according to the manufacturer, was just "High Hat", but oh no, this asshole made me call him "MISTER High Hat". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 21:02:04 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Kibo (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm happy with my real [eye] color > > I bet if the contacts came with an orange tint, you would never wear > regular glasses. Several years ago, I entertained the idea of getting orange contacts just to freak people out. (When I mentioned it here, it made quite an impression on Archimedes Plutonium.) Fluorescent orange would have been nice, orange dicroic glass would have been even cooler. In 1998, I wrote: -> -> Big deal. I have contact lenses with pictures of eyeglasses printed on -> them to make people think I'm not so vain that I wear contacts. BEAT THAT! And back in 1994, I trolled Archie before he was even Archie: => => From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) => Subject: Re: NEANDERTHAL PARK2, skits 1&2 of 22 => Newsgroups: sci.physics, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, => alt.religion.kibology, alt.cesium => Date: Tue, 24 May 1994 05:59:14 GMT => => Ludwig Plutonium (Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: => > => > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: => > > => > > [re Ludwig's "Neanderthal Park" movies] => > > But... Ludwig... if I play you... then who plays me? Mike Nelson could => > > probably do a good Kibo impression. Brent Spiner could do it too. => > > => > > Also, who's my stunt double? Will I get a cut of the profits from the => > > action figures? => > => > Well okay James. I do not want the actors going on strike just yet. I => > don't want to see an overglut on the waiter industry. I am working on a => > superskit that will take the entire Neanderthal Park3 movie. It is a => > take-off on the Life of Brian and it has Smokey the Bear in it. Which => > do you want in that movie, Kibo? Do you want Smokey the Bear? You'll be => > in a tree wearing a bear costume and you will have to say in a deep => > voice "Remember, only you can prevent,,, Or you can have the lead role => > of Jesus. => => I wouldn't mind Jesus, although I'll have to wear my glasses, because => the only pair of contact lenses I own are tinted fluorescent orange. => [...] Also, I may not be a bear, but I am getting good at saying in a deep voice, "Remember, only you can prevent comma comma comma or you can have the lead role of Jesus." Getting back to the orange contacts, a while ago I decided to be proud of the way all the color had faded from my eyes leaving them this completely neutral medium gray (I call it "steel" because it is a little iridescent.) A lot of people with blue eyes have them fade to a light gray (Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller have light gray eyes, if I recall correctly) but my medium gray is a little unusual, and looks eeries when it's next to brilliantly-colored hair! The gray color is so odd that I look like I'm wearing some weird sort of "Star Trek" contacts even when I'm not. -- K. And I had forgotten that Archie coined the term "superskit". Now if you'll excuse me, I had Indian food for lunck, so I need to belck and go take a superskit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:36:22 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, after about three or four years, my old eyeglasses were pretty > > much shot, and I wanted a new style -- and contacts -- so I had my > > eye exam today. > > What a coincidence, I got new eyes yesterday, too. My left eye has > actually improved to 20-50. (Sound of the Thunderbirds' nuclear-powered zeppelin airlifting the world's largest imaginary microscopic violin so I can play all four notes of "Aww, Poor Baby!" because you have 20/50 which probably requires about -1.0 diopter correction, while I'm at -10.0, which is way off the bottom of the Snellen chart but is probably on the order of 20/1000 to 20/2000.) > The lens cost $115. AWW, POOR BABY BEING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH THE WORLD'S LARGEST IMAGINARY MICROSCOPIC VIOLIN! I paid about $500 for one pair of lenses (the super-high-index material so they won't be thicker than waffles), $100 for the frames, $100 for the exam. And of course I still have to order some disposable contacts. > I kept my old frames, so I wouldn't frighten children. Are you sure that's impossible? Have you tried twirling a dental drill around your head while biting the head off an Elmo doll and yelling "FREE CAULIFLOWER!"? > Also, the frames are from Italy, so I can claim to have designer glasses. As opposed to the other kind, which were naturally-formed through erosion. > It's all about looking cool, No, it's all about me looking cooler than you. -- K. Sit on it, nerd! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I got new eyes today Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:25:28 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [Kibo said he's never, _ever_ getting laser-eye surgery] > > > > Me either.I listened to a story about it once. > > When he got to the part where he said could _hear_a flap of loosened > > eyeball skin being lifted up with a soft riiiiping noise,well,that's > > all it took to convince me. > > Aw, your just a coupl'a wuses! I've had sharp pointy things poked into > my eye-bulbs twice and it's not so bad. Okay, how about rusty dull things? Come over here and I'll help you do a compare-and-contrast. > When they peel a membrane off your retina, they put you under long > enough to not feel the entrance of sharp pointy things, then use a local > to keep you pain-free, but you are still aware of what's going on around > you. The worst part was when they taped my eyelids open. ALL TOGETHER NOW: (bouncy Moog music) Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen Durch des Himmels prŠchten Plan, laufet, BrŸder, eure Bahn, freudig, wie ein Held zum Siegen. Okay, everyone kick Wiblur in the crotch and see whether he even tries to fight back. > Surgery #1 - I got to listen to one of the people in the O.R. sing "All > My Ex's Live In Texas" and heard various discussions of the "See Clearly > Method" of trained squinting as opposed to non-quack approaches to > improved eyesight. What about the Bates Method? That involves being able to Throw! Away! Your! Glasses! while dressing up as your dead mother. > Surgery #2 - As I was going under, I vaguely recall discussing the finer > points of playing Scottish folk music on the bouzouki with the head > nurse (who had a thick Scottish accent and I'm sure was absolutely > fascinated with my knowledge of the music of her native land). And then, when you woke up, you realized that you'd permanently forgotten everything you knew about Scotland, music, or sexy nurses. Also you were in a straitjacket. And they had sold your eyes on the black market after secretly replacing them with Folger's Crystals. > Also, how often do you get to hear the phrase: "Looks like there is a > small hole in the retina, hand me the LASER!" I would have worded that slightly differently: "Looks like there is a small hole in the retina, hand me the FUCKING LASER!" -- K. (it's better than a regular laser) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 18:47:56 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > While inquiring as to the location of the Education Building, some > young mope just called me "Sir." > > GRRRR! It's so irritating that kids can't tell who's worthy of respect and who isn't. -- K. If you want people to refer to you as "young man", try dyeing your male pattern baldness fluorescent orange. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 01:49:55 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > [...] young mope just called me "Sir." > > Shut up. We went to IHOP last night, and the cashier waited to see if > we were going to claim a Senior Citizens' discount. So how much money did you save on your Old-Timer's Flapjack Dee-Lite? Did you get the "Victorian style" one with the coating of camphor, the "Newfangled" one topped with Sen-Sen, or the "Old Fart" one dusted with Gold Bond Medicated Powder? Today at the supermarket a guy came up to me and demanded, "Where's the beer aisle?" quite bluntly, because obviously I was the guy in the supermarket who looked the most like he knew a lot about beer, because nobody else was dressed a third as macho as me. I win. -- K. Dude, if you went to IHOP, then you _are_ a senior citizen. Better hurry up and subscribe to "Reader's Digest". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Semester Has Officially Begun Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:06:25 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today at the supermarket a guy came up to me and demanded, "Where's the > > beer aisle?" quite bluntly, > > Do they even have beer aisles in the supermarkets down there in 617? > We've got them up here in 978, but only in select stores that are within > X miles of the New Hampshire border. Because in Massachusetts, it's > only legal to buy beer in the same place you buy toilet paper if the > state stands to lose tax money if you don't mind driving X miles to wipe > your bum. Or something like that; I'll have to ask Don Saklad to look > up the pertinent law the next time he's in the beer aisle of the Boston > Public Library. The way Massachusetts law works is, to protect the independent liquor stores that fill up Mission Hill, no business is allowed to have more than three licenses to sell booze. So there are three Stop & Shops with liquor departments (which are in the center of the store, so they have a folding metal fence that they can put around that area on Sundays to comply with the blue laws) and three Shaw's with liquor departments. They move from store to store depending on where the business is, and (mostly) on which store is the newest and therefore swankiest. The Shaw's at the Prudential is clearly one of their flagship stores, as it's gigantic. There's a big liquor department on the upper level (yes, it's a supermarket with an upstairs. The steps are behind the smaller of the two sushi counters.) Here's how big and hip this supermarket is: Once I encountered another leatherman there (and not during one of the conventions at the Pru or anything.) I've only spotted leathermen in the wild at one other big local market (and not even the little Star down the street from the Ramrod.) So, anyway, the Prudential Shaw's is so well-populated that it's coincidentally contained more than one leatherman at a time. (Their old location around the corner -- the Prudential Star -- always used to be full of crazy people, whereas the Prudential Shaw's seems to be full of saner, sexier people. Like me.) -- K. On the other hand, it is the closest market to the Boston Public Library, so there's a chance it does contain one wacko. (I don't know what Don looks like, so I can't tell for sure.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Just in case anyone ever asked where I went to college... Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2004 21:30:34 -0400 The Princeton Review just published their yearly compendium of factoidal survey data on what college students think of their colleges. I looked up two of the three colleges I attended (one was too minor to be listed) for your amusement. -> Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's -> Best 357 Colleges Rankings -> -> Rank List Category -> -> #6 Professors Get Low Marks Academics -> -> #19 Election? What election? Politics -> -> #15 Least Happy Students Quality of Life -> -> #3 More To Do On Campus Social -> -> #13 Town-Gown Relations Are Strained Social Only #13? You mean there are twelve colleges in towns that have things worse than Troylets living in them? -> Emerson College's -> Best 357 Colleges Rankings -> -> Rank List Category -> -> #6 Students Dissatisfied With Financial Aid Administration -> -> #17 Gay Community Accepted Demographics -> -> #13 Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis Demographics -> -> #1 Great College Radio Station Extracurriculars -> -> #3 Great College Theatre Extracurriculars -> -> #12 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular Extracurriculars -> Or Nonexistent -> -> #2 Nobody Plays Intramural Sports Extracurriculars -> -> #19 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, School Type -> Clove-Smoking Vegetarians -> -> #5 Dodge Ball Targets School Type -> -> #11 Great College Towns Social How can the students be "Dodge Ball Targets" when Emerson doesn't even have any sports as real as dodgeball? I note that some school I never heard of -- Eugene Lang College -- not only beats Emerson at "Nobody Plays Intermural Sports" (#1), but also at "Dodge Ball Targets" (#1) and also "Gay Community Accepted" (#1). So if you ever attend Eugene Lang, you'll get constantly pummelled by dodgeballs unless you turn gay. The coolest thing about Emerson College: Emerson's "Great College Town", at #11, beats whatever crappy town Northeastern University (#13), Boston University (#18), and Boston College (#20) are in. HAW HAW! -- K. I still can't believe that Schenectady County Community College didn't make the "Best 357 Colleges". It must have been #358 on the list of top schools. And about #99999999 on "Great College Towns". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: porn gets banned in Boston, but Silly String's banned in L.A. Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 01:36:52 -0400 [via www.cnn.com] -> -> LA takes silly string seriously -> -> Tuesday, August 17, 2004 Posted: 10:05 PM EDT (0205 GMT) -> -> LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- "Silly string," a colorful -> aerosol foam that children spray on each other, is not so silly -> after all, at least not in Los Angeles. So in L.A., if silly string is regular non-silly string, does that means that regular string is silly string? Up is down? Black is white? Potsie is Fonzie? -> The city council voted Tuesday to ban the use of the string-like -> plastic derivative in Hollywood on Halloween because of -> environmental and security concerns. -> -> Liberal use of the stringy foam by Halloween revelers had sparked -> fights in years past on Hollywood Boulevard, officials said. "I'm gonna cut you 'cause you got Silly String all over Bob Hope's star!" -> "People get a little crazed at the end of the evening and they -> shoot the spray into each other's faces," said Jane Galbraith, -> spokeswoman for ban sponsor Councilman Tom LaBonge. Well duh! That's what you're supposed to do with it! If you disagree, prove it by naming one _fun_ thing you can do with it other than spraying it in someone's face. -> Merchants complained it was hard to clean up, while -> environmentalists charged that it harmed marine life when it -> drained from the streets into the ocean because it was not -> biodegradable. -> -> "It's not silly at all," LaBonge told reporters. He then marched around the room flailing his arms yelling "I AM NOT BEING SILLY! I AM NOT BEING SILLY! I AM NOT BEING SILLY!" until his pants fell down. -> The council voted 10-0 in favor of the ban and must approve the -> ordinance one more time for it to become law. -> -> Galbraith said silly string offenders would face fines between -> $200 and $1,000. Why the big price range? Is it based on what color the string is, or is it just priced by the foot? -- K. Extra points for getting it up both nostrils? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I think I'll buy me a trailer home Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:49:56 -0400 [on some stupid hurricane that causes people to wrap their lines real short] Tim Serpas (wretch@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose mobile homes are cheaper to replace. > > Trying to prevent a barrier island from moving > > is just a collosal waste of money. I wouldn't > > buy beachfront property in southern Louisianna > > either. > > Closest things to beaches in Louisiana are the > barrier islands. Glorified sandbars, really. > The folks out there who whine about their dis- > appearing way of life really bug me. The islands > will moooove! They might be a good place to > moor your fishing boats, but don't expect more. > And I'm sorry the price of shrimp has gone down, > but technology and farming have made great > strides. Three generations of shrimpers does > not an entitlement make. Grr. All's I know is that whenever I rent the "Three Generations Of Shrimpers" video I'm terribly dissapointed. Granny doesn't have foxy feet! Also, how come mobile homes are on wheels instead of hanging from some hippie's ceiling with a bunch of dangly cutout shapes that swirls around in the breeze? And could we please dig up Calder long enough to explain to him that nobody is ever going to use his "stabile" term for "sculpture that isn't a mobile" because we can just say "sculpture" because sculptures aren't mobiles because mobiles aren't art because you can buy them at head shops? -- K. Oh, and those glow-in-the-dark stars you can stick on your bedroom ceiling? Your sleeping position determines whether you'll get face cancer or ass cancer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A surprise for all Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 11:52:50 -0400 I GIVE YOU GAS NOW!!! There, now you have gas. You're welcome. When the Convention Of All Scientists In The World Who Aren't Insane gave me this power, I promised to only use it for good, never evil. And I'm sure some good could come out of the fact that now you have gas. -- K. It's nice being the only one here who doesn't have gas. No, wait, it isn't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 12:14:27 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and > too plain. I can put something interesting after my signature, like a > paradox, and change it, rather than repeating the same thing, again and > again. > > -- S. > This sentence is false. Hey, everyone, I just got a new .signature! And here it is! Get used to it, because I'll _never_ get tired of using it! -- K. -- "I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and too plain [...] repeating the same thing, again and again." -- SETH GOLDIN -- "I don't want to use a conventional .signature file. They're too boring and too plain [...] repeating the same thing, again and again." -- SETH GOLDIN ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 12:20:09 -0400 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > Let's have a look at a profile of newbie Seth Goldin: > > > > VO: Here in the lovely village of Hammerstag, life is simple. > > > > VO: Somehow these remote places seem to produce more than their share of > successful and even great athletes. Such a man is the youthful but > remarkably focussed Seth Goldin, who at the age of twenty-three, is > attempting to join the ranks of Terry Austin, the Maverick, and B1FF as > a top USENET troll. Let's see how he spends his day: > > thirty minutes, during which times various animals stroll across the > field of view. Eventually, what appears to be a somewhat frayed and > cheap-looking La-Z-Boy chair exits the hut, shuffles to the outhouse > and enters.> > > VO: Well, that's pretty much it, folks. I don't get it. Are you saying that Seth gives chairs diarrhea? Oh, wait, he's supposed to be furniture. I forgot. Sometimes I forget things about people who are really furniture. -- K. And how fake was your nature documentary? Marty Stouffer fake, Walt Disney fake, or just Marlin Perkins fake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Life with Jim Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 02:39:24 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > My forthcoming memoirs chapters include... > My Life with Jim > Our Leather Nights > New Positions > Breakup > Betrayal > Revenge Don't even try, Don. I don't care if you're available now, the answer is "no": I don't date weirdos. -- K. And will this memoir reveal that your brain has, at its center, a single atom of librarium? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Our Lives Together Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 02:43:32 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.csail.mit.edu) wrote: > > Other forthcoming memoir chapters... > Less Enfranchised > Our Life on the Street > Lavatory Living at Boston Public Library > The Regulars > Denial > The Lie I was beginning to wonder when the Boston Public Library would make its appearance in your love life. So, he broke up with you precisely how many minutes after you took him there on a date? -- K. And if you two are the reason that the BPL men's room stalls had all their doors removed, then you're bad perverts. You ruined pooping for everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It only takes him thirty seconds, eh? Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 10:00:30 -0400 [from www.kutv.com] -> -> Deputy Suspended After Disrobing in Public -> -> Aug 19, 2004 11:22 am US/Mountain -> -> A sheriff's deputy has been placed on administrative leave for -> stripping down to his skivvies in public. -> -> Employees at a jewelry company told police that they saw Salt Lake -> County Sheriff's Deputy Darrell Magee get out of his department- -> issued sport utility vehicle Tuesday morning and remove all his clothes. -> -> They say the six-year department veteran sat naked and cross-legged -> facing west for about 30 seconds before redressing, according to a -> police report. Magee has not been arrested or cited. What about those perverts who looked at him continuously for 30 seconds while holding a stopwatch? -> Salt Lake City police Detective Dwayne Baird said Magee claimed he -> was wearing an undergarment similar to his skin color while he -> conducted a 30-second religious ritual. Hey Deputy Magee! Here's where the ringmaster twirls his whip above his head and cracks it (and his whip too) as thirty dancing bears enter and surround you while holding signs reading "I'd Buy That For A Dollar, You Moron", you moron! -> ``He said he did have something on,'' Baird said. Maybe in his defense he'll say it was just another case of "The Emperor's New Clothes" coming tragically true when he was hoodwinked by two tailors who sold him an invisible version of The Daintiest Undergarment Of All. -> Magee did not specify what religion he practices. Kibology: The Unspecified Religion. And that's today's bumper sticker. Please update your cars. -> The city attorney's office has not read the report yet, but could -> charge Magee with indecent exposure, a misdemeanor. -> -> The Sheriff's Office has placed Magee on paid administrative leave -> pending the outcome of an internal investigation. -> -> Sheriff's spokeswoman Sgt. Rosie Rivera said that won't start until -> Salt Lake City police have finished their investigation. -> -> Magee, through a family spokeswoman, declined to comment. -> -> Copyright (c) 2000 The Associated Press Oh, good copyright, Associated Press. Nice time machine you're pretending you have so that you can go back to 2000 and spend four years spying on Naked Sheriff In An Imaginary Flesh-Colored G-String before he gets caught. Too bad my comments on your article are Copyright (C) 1967 James "Kibo" Parry and therefore: YOU GET SUED NOW! -- K. And now, I must go film the porno movie based on this news story. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It only takes him thirty seconds, eh? Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 21:35:08 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Did any of the eyewitnesses say, "Tain't funny, Magee," and open a > > > closet full of wacky objects? > > > > I wonder how many of us here get that? > > Kibo did, but that's why he's Kibo. I GET ALL! On the other hand, not enough people lately have been waving single hands and shouting "Yay! I got one of the nine references Kibo made in that last paragraph about Bruce Jenner's acupuncturist's DNA!" So I think it's time I once again offered to explain any article I've posted recently (or post shortly after this.) Over the next few days, the befuddled masses may petition me as to which article I should explain completely, in all its depth, for your adoration. Oh, and my entire apartment looks like the inside of Fibber McGee's closet. And I have a FOUR-dee-bee-bee. So I'm better than McGee. Don't make me angry, McGee, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. -- K. ...although, everyone else does. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It only takes him thirty seconds, eh? Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 12:33:05 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Deputy Suspended After Disrobing in Public > > -> > > -> [...] > > -> They say the six-year department veteran sat naked and cross-legged > > -> facing west for about 30 seconds before redressing, according to a > > -> police report. Magee has not been arrested or cited. > > Did any of the eyewitnesses say, "Tain't funny, Magee," and open a > closet full of wacky objects? Wow, you're old. Stop being so old! Or worse, you're Andy Dick. Stop being so vague! Pick an orientation already! Anyway, the next thing that happened was that after the closet was opened, Tennessee Tuxedo came by and stole all the stuff and put it in Mr. Whoopee's closet along with the three-dimensional blackboard, and then he asked Mr. Whoopee to explain in excruciatingly boring detail how a rotary-dial shoe telephone works. Then he turned into Matthew Broderick and then French Stewart. Also somewhere along the line he had a sitcom with Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space" and Mexican President Jose Jimenez as part of a program to tie all pop culture together. And yet, science still cannot understand the topology of Tennessee Tuxedo's bow tie and how it can be fastened to his collar along different edges depending on which way he's facing. -- K. Stay tuned for "Tennessee Tuxedo And The Temple Of Doom", featuring a whip-fight between Harrison Ford and Mortimer Snerd. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I haven't heard my local ice cream truck in a few days... Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 10:45:13 -0400 The oh-so-annoying "AYLO!" truck I've complained about in past years was also here this summer, except a couple days ago it suddenly vanished. I wonder if the issue was similar to this... [from news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Ice cream man licked: Police turn up heat on Hyde Park pop peddler -> -> By Laurel J. Sweet -> -> Friday, August 20, 2004 -> -> To the children of Hyde Park's Stony Brook suburb, Bill Walker was -> the Good Humor man from hell, a guy who -- when he wasn't talking -> them out of their allowances to the tinny strains of ``Pop Goes the -> Weasel'' -- wore his hot pants a little too tight. A remake of "The Ice Cream Man" starring Clint Howard in tight, tight hot pants? COVER YOUR EYES, CHILDREN! "The Ice Cream Man", now with Clint Howard wearing nothing but red sequinned hot pants! It's like "The Apple" only creepier! -> ``His underwear was always showing,'' Amy Ehikhamhem, 15, said -> shuddering, ``and he was always scratching his ... you know.'' -> -> Walker, 56, who police said peddled popsicles from the same rank, -> unlicensed South of Boston Ice Cream truck in which he kept an open -> container of urine -- and whose voluminous criminal history sources -> said includes attempted murder -- has been temporarily licked. If there's one thing worse than a newspaper reporter making a pun about licking a disgusting, urine-scented man, it's... well, actually, I can't think of anything worse than anything involving reading the Boston Herald. I mean, it's only a newspaper in the same way that "Survivor" is a documentary. -> Police descended on Walker Wednesday night at a playground that -> opened Tuesday on Stonehill Road after receiving a 911 call from a -> concerned mother who was told by neighborhood children he grabbed a -> girl's bottom last week. -> -> Walker, who declined comment, has not been so charged by police. And -> sources said he has no record of child molestation. -> -> ``He should not be around kids,'' said Tricia Kalayjian, a mother of -> three who, in the best of circumstances, would think twice about -> buying ice cream off a truck. -> -> ``We're Dairy Queen people,'' she said. Dairy Queen has ice cream now? Did they get rid of all the beige, soybean-oil-based pooted-out goop? Are the goop pooters of Dairy Queen now lying fallow? -> At $2 a pop, Walker would have to sell 50 NASCAR Speedway Sundaes to -> cover the $100 in fines he was slapped with for driving with busted -> headlights and tail-lights. His 1994 truck passed inspection on June -> 28 in Brockton with a different license plate than was on the truck -> yesterday. -> -> In addition, his Boston health permit lapsed in December and was -> never renewed. -> -> Walker's abysmal driving record, spanning 10 pages and more than 20 -> years at the Registry of Motor Vehicles, includes speeding, driving -> to endanger, driving on bald tires and failing to yield to -> pedestrians. So in other words, he should be driving in downtown Boston, not Hyde Park. -> David Iverson, a neighbor of Walker's at the Tent City apartments -> overlooking Copley Square, appeared stunned. By the way, that is the apartment building's real name -- "Tent City" -- it's two blocks south of the Boston Public Library. If he lived two more block further south, we'd be able to predict something about his lifestyle (as in, "until this year, nobody in that neighborhood was married.") As it is, since his apartment is equidistant from the Boston Public Library and Boston's nameless gay neighborhood, I'm going to file him under "wackos somehow associated with the Boston Public Library" because gay people are never disgusting. Well, except the ones in "The Apple". But I think they just didn't know they were being gay when they made that movie. -> ``He's one of the nicest guys I know,'' Iverson said. ``Just a kind, -> nice person -- truly kind. You don't meet many people like him.'' You're usually dead after the first three or four. Those cooties'll jump on you. By the way, is there anyone here who believes that none of the other ice cream truck drivers trapped in their little trucks all day in the summer heat keeps a pee bottle on the floor? -- K. Don't try the fudge. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What to Do? Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 13:14:03 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Vlad's out of town "on business" and it's Saturday night. [...] > > PARTY AT DARLA'S PLACE! FUCK YEAH! > > I could sleep--- but I did that yesterday. > > > > Suggestions? > > Mmmm. Well, number one subdivision is "Stay home or go out?". If you stay > home, Usenet will be there for your amusement, plus hey, comfort food! And > whatever videogames you usually can't get to while Vlad is there. Or, > alternatively and in a different fetish direction, you could Clean and > Rearrange stuff! If you go out, you could go out to eat; you could go out > to dance; you could go out to see movie; you could go out to go bother > friends; you could go out to explore new locations and seek new sources > of stimulation, boldly using restrooms no Darla woman has used before; or > you could just go out and generically recreate. Also, shopping. I love to window-shop with friends, 'cause that's like "Mystery Science Theater 3000" except occasionally you can see the horrified reactions of the shopkeepers when you're ragging on the obvious crappiness of their wares. C'mere and let's shop, right now. We could go to that mall where Carson Kressley got kicked out. Sadly, they no longer have the Rizzoli art bookstore, which was always a great place to find topics of conversation, but they have lots of other stores with stuff we could pick on. I mean, they have a Brookstone. Everything there is worthy of a zinger or two. Even better, we could go to the Super 88 Supermarket, where we can spend _hours_ mocking all the pathetic attempts at International English on the packets of tea made from what may or may not be artichokes and/or caterpillars. -- K. Plus then I could buy some more of that green Korean hot sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What to Do? Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 22:40:55 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I love to window-shop with friends... > > Oh suuure you do. That's what they all say until you MARRY them. > Then suddenly it's "I'll meet you in Automotive." You think I'd have to get a car just because I got married? Eww! True love would never force a car on anyone who didn't want one! > > C'mere and let's shop, right now. > > Oh my god you are SO hot. I know. People keep telling me that. > > ...We could go to that mall where > > Carson Kressley got kicked out. > > Oh. What, you'd rather go to one where he didn't get kicked out, and was personally welcoming all the shoppers as he groped them? > > ... I mean, they have a Brookstone. Everything > > there is worthy of a zinger or two. > > Vlad and I nevr miss an opportunity to mock a Brookstone. > Occasionally I make him take out a notepad and act as if he's making > notes for the home office. It's fun to watch the little beads of > sweat pop out on the clerks' upper lips. Heh! True story: Last week I went in there and tried on one of their silly overrated "noise-cancelling" headsets. Of course it did nothing to cancel out the conversations and the sounds of shopping around me, but it did cut out this annoying roaring noise that was filling the store and which I wasn't aware of until the headset stopped it. I later discovered the annoying roaring noise was coming from a white noise gadget at the opposite end of the same store. Basically, they sell two different technologies for masking background noises, but they only work on each other. > > Even better, we could go to the Super 88 Supermarket, where we can > > spend _hours_ mocking all the pathetic attempts at International English > > on the packets of tea made from what may or may not be artichokes > > and/or caterpillars. > > You're not geting me in there. I don't want to be wearing the > porcelain crown all evening. Okay, fine, we'll do Newbury Street. We'll go to Gargoyles Grotesques And Chimeras and you can look at all the cool pieces of creepy old cathedrals. Then the army-surplus store that has those giant whips from somewhere in the Third World. Then we can go to Condom World and you can tease anyone standing too close to the "snug-fit" ones. Next, we can go down the street and tease anyone standing in the Virgin store. All finished off with a visit to Emack & Bolio's so we can make fun of text-editing software. > > Plus then I could > > buy some more of that > > green Korean hot sauce. > > > I *almost* bought you some hot sauce in Buffalo that had little > plastic skulls dangling from the bottle. But then I figured you'd > have that kind already. With real skulls. I've seen that one in catalogs, but I don't have any. I'm not one of these people who's tried a million different micro-brewed brands of red sauce -- I guzzle ordinary lowbrow stuff like Frank's, and I buy lots of exotic types of sauce that aren't red. Things with plastic skulls on them are for gift-giving, not for buying for yourself. -- K. I don't know whether those big clunky whips are for camels or elephants. But they're only $5, so you should buy one just in case you ever also get a good deal on a camel, elephant, or camelephant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cereal advice sought Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 13:21:15 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > As well as bringing back a taste for Margaritas my Mum also liked the > Granola cereal she had on tour in the US. What would be the closest you > could get to it if you can't get it in the store? Go out in the driveway and get two handfuls of gravel, add some sand and a few of those spiky lock washers that have been there since your swingset fell apart. Mix unwell, then eat. I can't believe you can't buy Old People Cereal in Australia. What do you feed your oldsters, some sort of Froot Loops Senior where "Senior" is spelled with two "o"s? -- K. You could also try just forgetting to add hot water to your instant oatmeal. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cereal advice sought Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 22:49:03 -0400 Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [how to make your own granola] > > > > Go out in the driveway and get two handfuls of gravel, add some sand > > and a few of those spiky lock washers that have been there since your > > swingset fell apart. Mix unwell, then eat. > > I'll go out on a limb and say Granola is not gay, > though it can be effeminate. Nothing that blandly > boring is gay. It would at least need to come in > pastel colors to be gay. So you're saying I'm not gay because I haven't had a single pastel item of clothing in my wardrobe since 1978? Remember, being pink makes a cereal gay. But being gay does not make a cereal pink. Case in point: King Vitaman. Really gay cereal, but it's still cereal-colored. > > You could also try > > just forgetting to > > add hot water to your > > instant oatmeal. > > Add some rock hard dried fruit and there you go. > Okay, maybe granola *is* gay. I have no idea... > Somebody 'splain it to me. If your cereal is inducing sexual confusion, then I don't think you should worry about whether the cereal is the gayest thing at your breakfast table, you sugar-coated homo. -- K. If granola's not gay, then how come there's such a thing as a granolenema? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "The Scream" says: "Hellllp meeeee, I'm guarded by bozooooos..." Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 13:43:24 -0400 Oddly, Norway is in the news. It's no wonder they're only allowed to have one priceless art treasure in the whole country if they're going to be such idiots that they don't even put a padlock on it after it's been stolen the first time. [from msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Munch's famous 'Scream,' 'Madonna' stolen -> -> Armed thieves burst into museum as stunned visitors looked on -> -> The Associated Press -> -> Updated: 8:58 a.m. ET Aug. 22, 2004 -> -> OSLO, Norway -- Edvard Munch's famous paintings "The Scream," -> "Madonna" and others were stolen from an art museum Sunday while -> stunned museum-goers watched armed men threatening the staff at -> gunpoint as they took the art work to a waiting car. That could never happen in the U.S., because we don't have empty parking spaces anywhere near our museums. -> "We don't have all the details on the situation, but we are -> searching for the suspects in the air and on land," Police Spokesman -> Kjell Moerk told the public radio network NRK. Have you considered that they might be indoors by now? -> Speaking to the British Broadcasting Corp., Jorunn Christoffersen, -> press officer for the Munch Museum in Oslo, confirmed that "The -> Scream" was among the paintings stolen. This had to be the world's easiest investigation for the BBC reporter: "What priceless item was stolen from your Museum Of The Only Priceless Painting In Norway?" "The only one we had." "Well then, I'm done! Off to the pub to watch Manchester United on the telly! Cheerio!" "Rice Krispie!" Okay, I stole that last joke from an episode of "Sledge Hammer!" But it's okay because nobody in Norway would recognize something from a TV show about a tough guy. -> A French radio producer, Francois Castang, said he was visiting the -> Munch Museum in Oslo when thieves burst in and made off with the -> paintings, including the painter's depiction of an anguished figure -> with its head in its hands. -> -> "What's strange is that in this museum, there weren't any means of -> protection for the paintings, no alarm bell," Castang told France -> Inter radio. The museum considered putting in an alarm system, but then they realized thieves would just steal it. -> "The paintings were simply attached by wire to the walls," he said. -> "All you had to do is pull on the painting hard for the cord to -> break loose -- which is what I saw one of the thieves doing." So did they use regular baling twine, or was this special Priceless Art Twine? -> Castang said police arrived on the scene 15 minutes later. Visitors -> were ushered into the museum's cafeteria. ...where they rejoiced because thieves had stolen all the lutefisk. -> In February 1994, "The Scream" was stolen from the museum and -> remained missing for nearly three months. Police ultimately -> recovered the work, which is on fragile paper, undamaged in a hotel -> in Asgardstrand, about 40 miles south of the capital, Oslo. Three -> Norwegians were arrested. -> -> At the time, investigators said the trio tried to ransom the painting, -> demanding $1 million from the government. It was never paid. -> -> Munch, a Norwegian painter and graphic artist who worked in Germany -> as well as his home country, developed an emotionally charged style -> that was of great importance in the birth of the 20th century -> Expressionist movement. -> -> He painted "The Scream" in 1893, as part of his "Frieze of Life" -> series, in which sickness, death, anxiety, and love are central -> themes. He died in 1944 at the age of 81. -> -> The National Art Museum owns 58 paintings by Munch. Was that before or after the famous one was stolen? In related news, thieves stole The World's Largest Ball Of Rubber Bands from The Museum Of The World's Largest Ball Of Rubber Bands. Just bounced it right out the door. But it's okay, they still have 57 Not Very Big Balls Of Rubber Bands on display. -> (c) 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may -> not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Why, did the Norwegians put a twist-tie around it? I bet if you tried to steal a Tom Of Finland drawing in Helsinki you'd get dragged into the back room and beaten senseless and be forced to clean the entire museum's floor with your tongue. But over in Oslo, you can just walk in and break the string that holds the painting down. Finland should invade Norway, they'd just have to cut the string that keeps the country's border closed. -- K. I mean, Tom even killed a guy. Munch just dripped wax on paper, not even on people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Games babies love, other than FreeCell Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 23:15:15 -0400 And now, some advice for the Kibologists who own babies. [from www.msn.family.com] -> -> Games babies love -> -> You can play many fun, free games with your child to help him master -> new skills. Starting at about 6 or 7 months, you can try any of the -> games described below, although most babies won't be ready for them -> until they're closer to 9 months. Then when they reach eight years old, you must teach them to play Monopoly, the most exciting, non-tedious game ever, because it's for ages 8 and up and everyone loves Monopoly, it's a constant dilly of a hum-dinger of an exciting wad of excitement. I always used to wonder how we managed to do such a good job of programming our children to lose the capacity to have fun when they're starting to grow up, and then I realized every home has a copy of Monopoly, or worse, Parcheesi. If I had kids, I'd want them to play games that encourage imagination. I'd force my kids to play Dungeons & Dragons until they turned out right. -> Peek-a-Boo -> -> Playing peek-a-boo with toys helps teach infants about object -> permanence -- the understanding that an object has not disappeared -> permanently just because it isn't visible now. He'll eventually -> learn that permanence applies to people also, and you can reinforce -> this lesson by hiding yourself around corners or behind furniture. Just never do anything to disprove this theory that all objects and people are always permanent. Never feed him any food because food disappears when it's eaten. Never let him watch TV because his favorite show will eventually be cancelled. And never let him know that anyone ever dies. If you can shield him from ever knowing that death exists until he dies of old age, his life will be perfect. -> Pat-a-Cake -> -> Clapping hands to the pat-a-cake rhyme gives your baby practice in -> coordinating actions with words. Other ditties to rehearse include -> "Itsy-bitsy Spider" and "Where is Thumbkin?" I am only familiar with the Michael O'Donoghue versions of "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" and "Sonny And Cher Having Their Eyes Poked Out With Red-Hot Knitting Needles", and I've never heard of "Where is Thumbkin?" Does this mean I never officially graduated from babyhood because I never learned where Thumbkin is? -> Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes -> -> Teach your baby the names of all those body parts by having his -> hands follow along with the song lyrics. Also, every time you mention the baby's Head and Shoulders yell, "DANDRUFF!" in a Ben Stiller voice. -> This Little Piggy -> -> Wiggling your baby's toes provides more than fun and games. He'll -> love the age old chant (starting with his big toe): "This little -> piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little -> piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy -> ran wee wee wee wee all the way home." He'll squeal with delight -> when you reach the little toe and "run" your fingers up his body. If you're telling me to make my baby squeal like a pig, that's just sick. Also, if pigs can eat beef, and if I can eat both, what does that make me? -> Cause-and-Effect Play -> -> An awareness of cause-and-effect relationships begins at about 7 -> months. You can foster this awareness during your daily activities -> by explaining, for instance, how turning a faucet lets the water -> flow. At around 9 months a toddler will enjoy his own experiments -> with causal relationships. Letting him repeatedly turn on the water -> or lights will thrill him more than most store-bought games. Get your baby a job on a factory assembly line and someday he'll thank you for it. -- K. Now, where the fuck is Thumbkin? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Games babies love, other than FreeCell Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 02:00:54 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I always used to wonder how we managed to do such a good job of > > programming our children to lose the capacity to have fun when > > they're starting to grow up, and then I realized every home has > > a copy of Monopoly, > > I can never think of Monopoly without thinking of Kevin Kline in the > movie "I love you to death" where he waves the box around and says > "MON-OP-OLY!" while bleeding from a gunshot wound to the head and drugged > up aften eating poisoned spaghetti. Please, it wasn't spaghetti, it was "lasagna crunch". Then he got into the hot tub with Bruce Jenner and they called it "MO-nopoly". Also in this version of the movie, Glenn had a huge part and Felipe had a tiny part, and there was a big red button in the corner of the movie screen -- anyone in the audience could throw popcorn at it to stop the music. Whenever the music stopped, there wouldn't be enough chairs so one cast member would have to leave until the movie was all Glenn. -- K. And this version was directed by Miles Silverberg's mother. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Games babies love, other than FreeCell Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 20:26:05 -0400 John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > > > I can never think of Monopoly without thinking of Kevin Kline in > > > the movie "I love you to death" where he waves the box around > > > and says "MON-OP-OLY!" while bleeding from a gunshot wound to > > > the head and drugged up aften eating poisoned spaghetti. > > > > Please, it wasn't spaghetti, it was "lasagna crunch". Then he got into > > the hot tub with Bruce Jenner and they called it "MO-nopoly". > > > > Also in this version of the movie, Glenn had a huge part and Felipe > > had a tiny part, and there was a big red button in the corner of the > > movie screen -- anyone in the audience could throw popcorn at it > > to stop the music. Whenever the music stopped, there wouldn't be > > enough chairs so one cast member would have to leave until the movie > > was all Glenn. > > > > -- K. > > > > And this version > > was directed by > > Miles Silverberg's > > mother. > > OK. This post gets my vote for the new (current) episode of "The > Big Explaining". Has anyone else even voted yet? IT'S YOUR CIVIC > DUTY! Vote early. Vote often. *sigh* That barely needs explaining. It's all about one particularly infamous movie you're all supposed to have seen because it's so easy to make fun of. The one where Bruce Jenner proved he's gayer than all six of the Village People combined. "Can't Stop The Music". See, when Valerie Perrine and her creepy fag-hag friend are serving lasagna to the Village People, one of them loses a contact lens into the tray of lasagna and the other suggests calling it "lasagna crunch". The closest this movie comes to having a plot is that later they reheat the leftover lasagna and serve it to Bruce Jenner, but Valerie Perrine accidentally dumps the hot lasagna on Bruce Jenner's lap, which forces Steve Guttenberg to rip off Bruce Jenner's pants and blow on his crotch. I am not making this up, and remember, this movie works really hard to convince you that all six of the Village People have girlfriends, so Steve Guttenberg has to crotchalize Bruce Jenner in order to ensure the movie is gay enough to get something other than a "G" rating. Near the beginning of the movie, the construction worker sings an awful song ("I Love You To Death") while smacking around a bunch of prototypes of Robert Palmer girls in a scene where he fantasizes he's in a TV commercial for a misogynistically hetero construction company, or something, nobody really knows. Later in the movie, there is one (and only one) good musical number, when they sing "YMCA" while at a YMCA, and the Village People and Bruce Jenner and Valerie Perrine are all there, and while they're all in the hot tub at the Y, Valerie Perrine has the same facial expression as the right-hand half of Pink Lady did whenever they had to get into the hot tub with Jeff Altman. (Steve Gutternberg is to Jeff Altman as Valerie Perrine saying "Eww!" is to Kei saying "Eww!") So that would be why it was pronounced "MO-nopoly", because in the late 1970s "mo" was slang for "homo", and in grade school you could amuse yourself endlessly by asking random people, "Did you !!!MO!!! the lawn today?" The key was to say "MO" as loudly as possible to make it clear that this was a clever double-entendre for nine-year-olds. The reaction of every human being in the world to "Can't Stop The Music" was to demand an immediate stop to the music, and indeed, disco was officially cancelled within a week of the movie's release. And as if there weren't already enough things wrong with this movie, the Village People barely appear in it (just long enough to sing "YMCA" and a few really, really bad songs) and worst of all, Glenn appears in it far less than the other five. Glenn is the one who was listed on the back of one album as the "leather enthusiast", and he gets the movie's only funny line, when he sobs "Leathermen don't get nervous!" Now, see, the TV sitcom "Murphy Brown" was an obvious knock-off of the TV sitcom "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", except with a different cast. The actress who played the mother of the token Jewish character (Rhoda) on the latter directed "Can't Stop The Music", so presumably if "Murphy Brown" hadn't been cancelled, Miles's mother would have had to direct "Still Can't Stop The Music: The Next Generation". Was this explanation even necessary? Anyway, I hope I don't have to explain what it really meant when the Village People sang that song about a "milkshake". It might bum some of you out to know that all your favorite Village People songs are about sex. -- K. "Murphy Brown", on the other hand, was about Mortimer Snerd running a newsroom just like Poochie, except without the flying car and the fake C3P0 voiced by Fred Travelena. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: apparently school didn't yet suck enough Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2004 23:45:08 -0400 [from www.sacbee.com] -> -> Recess gets regulated -> -> Worried about safety, schools restrict traditional games -> -> By Sandy Louey -- Bee Staff Writer (Published August 22, 2004) -> -> During recess at Woodridge Elementary School, a girl walked up to -> the foursquare court, wanting to join the game. -> -> "You want to play," Briauna Ford, a sixth-grader, told her. "You got -> to read the rules." -> -> Eight rules for Switched, a game Briauna and her friends made up, -> were scrawled on a piece of notebook paper: Rule No. 2: "You must -> say 'switch, switch' two times to begin the game." Rule No. 6: "Make -> right choices no yelling." -> -> Briauna and her friends drew up the regulations so the game wouldn't -> end up in shouting matches and hurt feelings -- which could get -> Switched tossed off the playground in the Rio Linda Union School -> District. Wait, do I have to say "switch, switch" or "switch, switch; switch, switch"? I feel like having a shouting match over this. And this will be the first time having rules for a game has ever led to an argument over the rules! -> Recess may be child's play, but it's serious business to adults. -> Dodgeball has spawned a hit summer movie and a TV game show. A TV game show? I hadn't heard about, or have forgotten about, this wonderfully sadistic idea. How can I see this show, or better yet, how can I be the host? -> But as school doors begin to open again around the Sacramento -> region, kids thumping each other with a large inflated rubber ball -> isn't something you are likely to see on school playgrounds. No, silly, they do that in the gym. That's so the doors can be locked to prevent any possibility of escape. -> Concerned about safety and injuries and worried about bullying, -> violence, self-esteem and lawsuits, school officials have clamped -> down on the traditional games from years past. -> -> Gone from many blacktops are tag, dodgeball and any game involving -> bodily contact. Oh, geez. This means the "square dancing" unit of gym is now going to be 99% of the year. -> In are organized relay races and adult-supervised activities. But but but BUT relay races are competitive! They make kids feel bad for losing and they discriminate against the short or wimpy! They should be banned because, after all, this is California where everyone does whatever they want unless it might lower someone's self-esteem in which case it's illegal! -> "It's fun stuff," said Azia Orum, a Rio Linda sixth-grader. "We just -> can't do it. People get hurt." -> -> The restrictions trouble some early-childhood experts and parents. -> Recess is usually the only part of the school day where kids can do -> what they want. Except for the part about going back to school afterwards. -> Experts say free play helps kids learn how to cooperate, socialize -> and work out conflicts. -> -> "We ask kids to work hard," said Roberta Raymond, principal at -> Woodridge. "They need frequent breaks to give their minds a rest." -> -> What games students can -- or can't -- play at recess varies. Each -> school tailors the rules to its own needs. To the school districts of the world, I say: Dungeons & Dragons is a non-contact sport involving lots of numbers and math and geometric polyhedra and other stuff that will make the kids really brainy without any of that legally-actionable physical contact. So I expect to see Dungeons & Dragons everywhere soon, or I'll put a hex on you. -> Growing enrollments in some districts make firm rules all the more -> important, educators say, though kids at lunch or recess are always -> difficult to monitor. Tracking collars work well. Especially the ones that explode if the kids cross the imaginary, unmarked line around the schoolyard. -> Maeola Beitzel Elementary School in the Elk Grove Unified School -> District has about 1,200 students, while Natomas Park Elementary -> School in the Natomas Unified School District has about 1,100 -> students. Both are year-round schools, with at least 800 enrolled at -> any one time. -> -> At Natomas Park, that means three recesses in the morning and two in -> the afternoon, along with five lunches for grades one to five. Up to -> six yard-duty supervisors roam during lunch. -> -> Games where kids chase each other -- tag or even cops and robbers -- -> are generally banned in Natomas Unified's elementary schools. No -> grabbing or pushing is allowed. I hate to think what the sex ed courses are like. -> At Natomas Park, students can only toss and catch a football - -> tackling or blocking isn't permitted. But the no-contact rule -> applies beyond the grade-school gridiron. -> -> During lunch recess one recent afternoon, yard supervisor Janice -> Hudson spotted a first-grader pushing a girl on the swing. -> -> "Do not push," Hudson told the student. "Let her push herself, -> please." Buh... wuh? Isn't pushing yourself in a swing a lot like trying to lift yourself up by your own hair? Of course, the real reason for them making it impossible to swing is that they don't want anyone to swing all the way up over the bar, because the last kid who did that led to a lawsuit because he turned inside out. -> "One person can be a little stronger than the other," she said as -> she walked away. -> -> During second-grade lunch, Hudson set up relay races so students -> could run within the rules. The whistle blew and the racers took -> off, dashing down the five lanes. A crowd screamed "Go! Go!" Each of -> the more than 30 students got a chance to run. -> -> Natomas Park administrators say physical safety was the main reason -> they instituted restrictions. Yeah, it's impossible for kids to get hurt when they're told to run as fast as possible. -> But they admit to worrying about bullying and potential lawsuits -> from parents. I say that the parents should decide whether (a) the kids can throw dodgeballs at each other or (b) the school board can throw dodgeballs at all the parents. One or the other. Choose now. -> At Maeola Beitzel Elementary, Janis Mayse, the mother of a -> fifth-grader, doesn't think the fun is worth it if a game is played -> to the detriment of another child. -> -> "All of us want to hang on to the games we played as kids," she -> said, "but we have to keep an open mind that there are games that -> kids can get a benefit from without hurting one another." -> -> Many see the recess restrictions as part of larger cultural shifts. -> Schools now must craft lesson plans on responsibility, honesty and -> violence prevention, Maeola Beitzel Principal Judy Hunt-Brown said. -> And those lessons, among other things, fit neatly into the -> structured, organized play so prevalent on today's schoolyard. This is turning into a scene from "THX-1138". (The good version, not the new one that Lucas has ruined by adding Jar Jar during the masturbation scene.) -> "To some degree, the school has needed to take a larger role in -> teaching children how to play with each other -- the whole taking -> turns, how to deal with conflict," Hunt-Brown said. -> -> Tightened restrictions on playgrounds are part of the growing trend -> to more strictly control what happens during the school day. Child -> behavior experts are concerned that strict rules for play threaten -> to straitjacket students' creativity. Kids need to learn about straitjackets sooner or later! Without frank and open discussion of straitjackets, what else will they talk about during sex ed? Sex without one is boring! -> Recess is supposed to be spontaneous play. The unstructured time -> helps fuel the imagination, said Dolores Stegelin, associate -> professor of early childhood education at Clemson University. -> -> "It encourages creativity. It strengthens social development when -> they can be creative and plan something together and set up their -> own rules. It allows for leadership," said Stegelin, a member of the -> Association for the Study of Play. "Adults need to be there, but -> there needs to be more time for kids to be innovative and do their -> own activity." -> -> Dodgeball teaches students eye-hand coordination and gross motor -> skills. So does nose-picking. -> Getting singled out and eliminated from competition is part -> of life, said Tom Reed, professor of early childhood education at -> the University of South Carolina Upstate in Spartanburg. -> -> "Life is not always fair," said Reed, also a member of the -> Association for the Study of Play. "You don't get what you want. -> Things like this are learned on the playground." The easiest way to teach kids that life isn't fair is for the school administrators to act like a bunch of jerks, and -- oh, wait, never mind. -> That's what worries Kellie Randle. A former teacher and a parent of -> a student at Joseph Sims Elementary School in Elk Grove, Randle -> believes kids aren't as creative as they once were. Mozart wrote a whole symphony at age 5! Jodie Foster got ten Oscars before she was 3! But them kids today! With the "rap and roll" music and those games they play on the TV screens! Some of them have hair so long I can't tell if they're boys or girls solely from their hairstyle alone! -> "I'm concerned about the direction of a society where kids are -> encouraged not to run and play," she said. "If you take away -> running, freeze tag and red light, green light, you're taking away a -> big part of childhood." I bet the schools offer to compromise and take away just the green light. -> At Woodridge, the bell signaling the end of summer school recess -> rang. The Switched players got ready to return to class. -> -> Rule No. 5: If two people get a corner, choose a number between one -> and 20. The person who is closest gets the corner. -> -> Rule No. 8: If you make bad choices, you must leave the game. -> -> "It went better today with the rules," said 11-year-old Erma Murphy. -> Her friends nodded in agreement. I will pay five Imaginary Internet Dollars to see the world championship of "Switched", especially if there are monkeys instead of children. -- K. I'm glad I was never a child. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's the difference between a Virginia Slim and a chicken turd? Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 21:49:14 -0400 [from www.mosnews.com] -> -> Turkmen Leader Orders People to Stop Chewing Chicken Crap Now they have to swallow their KFC meals whole. -> Created: 13.08.2004 18:12 MSK (GMT +3), Updated: 16:05 MSK -> -> The president on Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov, has issued a -> decree banning his people to chew nas in common places, Russia's -> news agency Interfax reported on Friday. Nas or naswai is the -> country's staple drug, made of tobacco, slacked lime and chicken -> excrement. People chew nas for its mild narcotic and stimulating -> qualities. "Dude! You have to try sucking down this gallon of chicken diarrhea! It'll be mildly enjoyable!" If people will fill their mouth with chickenshit for a "mild" high, I hate to think what they'd do to get a killer buzz. -> According to medical reports, about 80 percent of Central Asian -> people diagnosed with throat cancer chew nas in their life. -> -> Niyazov's decree, published on Friday, forbids to consume nas in -> ministries and public institutions, at all enterprises and -> organizations, in military units and border guard posts in -> educational and children's establishments, in theaters, in public -> and private transport, in parks and shops. The list of the places -> gives the rough impression of how spread the habit is. -> -> The decree also banned selling nas everywhere except for specially -> assigned places -- usually cattle markets. Over at the chicken markets they sell an equally exciting drug made from cow flop. -> Those who violate the decree will face fine of two minimum wages -- -> 500 thousand manat ($85). Illegal nas traders will be fined $170. I think that to curb the spread of this dangerous drug, we should criminalize shit. I don't mean just outlawing the possession of chicken doody -- I say we should make it illegal to shit. Think of the money we'd save on sewers and toilets if people held it in! JUST DON'T GO! -- K. How bad does life suck in Turkmenistan? Over there, people eat shit and like it! God bless North America! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's the difference between a Virginia Slim and a chicken turd? Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 00:05:27 -0400 crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The president on Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov, has issued a > > -> decree banning his people to chew nas in common places, Russia's > > -> news agency Interfax reported on Friday. Nas or naswai is the > > -> country's staple drug, made of tobacco, slacked lime and chicken > > -> excrement. People chew nas for its mild narcotic and stimulating > > -> qualities. > > > > "Dude! You have to try sucking down this gallon of chicken diarrhea! > > It'll be mildly enjoyable!" > > I'm kind of interested in some "slacked lime"--that has to be the good part. Goshdurnitall, I didn't even notice that sub-Subgenius-quality misspelling. But that's because I was more interested in thinking about this article about mouthfuls of chicken Dootie-Os as little as possible while I talked about it. I mean, these are people who actually try to make stuff better by adding shit to it. I don't want to see their recipe for Key lime pie, a Virgin Mary, Chex Mix, Buffalo wings, or Fluffernutters. Because I'm sure the Turkmenistanis have figured out several places to hide chicken poop in every Fluffernutter. This is a country where, when the toilets back up, the people yell "Yay! We won extra shit! Now let us smoke that shit while we dance the dance of joy!" Turkmenistan. It's not a continent, it's an incontinent. -- K. And you really don't want to know what's in their Slim Jims. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lamest possible thing for teachers to worry about right now Date: Mon, 23 Aug 2004 22:16:48 -0400 [from the Boston Globe, via www.boston.com] -> -> Harshness of red marks has students seeing purple -> -> By Naomi Aoki, Globe Staff Ê|Ê August 23, 2004 -> -> When it comes to correcting papers and grading tests, purple is -> emerging as the new red. -> -> "If you see a whole paper of red, it looks pretty frightening," -> said Sharon Carlson, a health and physical education teacher at -> John F. Kennedy Middle School in Northampton. "Purple stands out, -> but it doesn't look as scary as red." Why not just go all the way and use pink if the goal here is to expose the kids to gay colors instead of macho colors? -> That's the cue pen makers and office supply superstores say they -> have gotten from teachers as the $15 billion back-to-school retail -> season kicks off. They say focus groups and conversations with -> teachers have led them to conclude that a growing number of the -> nation's educators are switching to purple, a color they perceive as -> "friendlier" than red. Blood is bad. But bruises are friendly. -> As a result, Paper Mate introduced purple to its assortment of blue, -> red, and green X-Tend pens and increased distribution of existing -> purple pens this school year. Barry Calpino, Paper Mate's vice -> president and general manager, estimated that the Bellwood, Ill., -> company boosted production of purple pens by at least 10 percent. He -> said purple will now be a standard color in all its new product lines. But to me, purple will never be more than a secondary color. -> Office superstores such as Staples and OfficeMax also are making a -> splash with purple pens, stocking more of them, adding purple to -> multicolor packs, and selling all-purple packs. Also, Peter Piper picked a pack of Purple People Eaters in polka-dot bikinis while handing the man the dandy candy. -> By comparison, Staples did not stock any exclusively purple pen -> packs last year and it hardly had any purple pens in its stores -> two years ago, said Robert George, the Framingham chain's senior -> vice president of general merchandise. Now, he said, sales of -> purple pens are growing at a faster clip than pen sales overall. -> -> A mix of red and blue, the color purple embodies red's sense of -> authority but also blue's association with serenity, making it a -> less negative and more constructive color for correcting student -> papers, color psychologists said. Wow, you must have to study for ten whole minutes to be a professional color psychologist. You'd have to memorize that little chart on the box Play-Doh cans come in, and also make up some bullshit about which colors are evil. -> Purple calls attention to itself without being too aggressive. -> And because the color is linked to creativity and royalty, -> it is also more encouraging to students. "Wow! The King Of England marked my test wrong! It's so encouraging! Next time, I'm going to try to get as many purple marks as possible!" -> "The concept of purple as a replacement for red is a pretty good -> idea," said Leatrice Eiseman, director of the Pantone Color -> Institute in Carlstadt, N.J., and author of five books on color. -> "You soften the blow of red. Red is a bit over-the-top in its -> aggression." Aww, poor baby, you direct a "Color Institute" and yet red is too scary for you? What's the matter, did you once get beaten with a red lollipop? -> For office supply stores, color and fashion trends spell opportunity -> and risk. The trends allow them to freshen up staid old categories -> such as pens and markers, fueling sales. But getting a trend wrong -- -> betting on purple pens when teachers and students are buying green, -> for example -- can cost them sales during a critical retail period. For the record, I'd like to say that I did buy one purple pen in the last several months, but it's not for writing on stupid spelling quizzes and stuff -- it's a gentian-violet-based surgical marker so I can doodle all over people's faces before I perform plastic surgery. Anyone need a new nose, or just to get rid of the old one? -> Red's legacy as the color used in correcting papers and marking -> mistakes goes back to the 1700s, the era of the quill pen. In those -> days, red ink was used by clerks and accountants to correct ledgers. -> From there, it found its way into teachers' hands.ÊÊ -> -> But two or three decades ago, an anti-red sentiment began surfacing -> among teachers. Somewhere around the McCarthy era, eh? -> Since then, no one color had emerged as red's replacement. -> -> Is purple here to stay? -> -> "I do not use red," said Robin Slipakoff, who teaches second and -> third grades at Mirror Lake Elementary School in Plantation, Fla. -> "Red has a negative connotation, and we want to promote -> self-confidence. I like purple. I use purple a lot." Tell you what. Just write "A++++++++++++++ GOSH SUPER!!!!!!! :-) :-)" on every paper in green glittery ink. That'll give the kids confidence, even the really stupid ones, and also it'll prepare them for writing eBay feedback. -> Sheila Hanley, who teaches reading and writing to first- and -> second-graders at John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Randolph, -> said: "Red is definitely a no-no. But I don't know if purple is in." -> -> Hanley said a growing contingent of her colleagues is using purple. -> They prefer it to green and yellow because it provides more contrast -> to the black or blue ink students are asked to write in. And they -> prefer it to orange, which they think is too similar to red. Okay, that does it. I'm starting a school. All kids will be required to write in red. And I will be the only one allowed to use black. That oughta hold the little bastards! -> But aside from avoiding red, Hanley said she is not sure color -> matters much. At times, she uses sticky notes rather than writing on -> a child's paper. What's important, she said, is to focus on how an -> assignment can be improved rather than on what is wrong with it, -> she said. -> -> Ruslan Nedoruban, who is entering seventh grade at his Belmont -> school, said red markings on his papers make him feel "uncomfortable." Anagrams of "Ruslan Nedoruban": "Adorable Nuns Run" "Lunar Anus Bonder" "Use An Unborn Lard" "Darn Sunburn Aloe" "A Nun's Oral Burden" -> His mother, Victoria Nedoruban, who is taking classes to improve her -> English, said she thinks papers should be corrected in red. -> -> "I hate red," she said. "But because I hate it, I want to work -> harder to make sure there isn't any red on my papers." If they really want kids to hate being marked wrong, all incorrect answers should have Brussels sprouts stapled to them, then the kids would have to eat 'em or learn 'em. -> Red has other defenders. California high-school teacher Carol Jago, -> who has been working with students for more than 30 years, said she -> has no plans to stop using red. She said her students do not seem -> psychologically scarred by how she wields her pen. Mine neither, just physically scarred. It's really not that hard to tattoo someone with a ballpoint pen if you just jab it really hard several hundred times! -> And if her students are mixing up "their," "there," and "they're," -> she wants to shock them into fixing the mistake. -> -> "We need to be honest and forthright with students," Jago said. -> "Red is honest, direct, and to the point. I'm sending the message, -> 'I care about you enough to care how you present yourself to the -> outside world.' " When I wear red, I'm sending the message "I am wearing red." -- K. And yet no Klingons ever shoot me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Most important non-religious artifact in Canada Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:24:52 -0400 [from www.usatoday.com] > -> Stanley Cup temporarily lost in luggage mishap -> -> FORT ST. JOHN, British Columbia (AP) -- The Stanley Cup spent -> Sunday night in luggage limbo. -> -> The fabled trophy disappeared during an Air Canada flight from -> Vancouver to Fort St. John over the weekend when Vancouver airline -> officials removed it from the plane because of weight restrictions. -> -> Walter Neubrand, keeper of the Cup, was delivering the trophy to -> Jake Goertzen, head scout for the Stanley Cup champion Tampa Bay -> Lightning. -> -> As the two waited by the baggage claim, it didn't take long for them -> to realize something was wrong. -> -> "We were waiting for it to come out," Goertzen said. "Everybody's -> bag was there, except the Cup." -> -> Air Canada agents checked the plane but there was no sign of the Cup -> or its special travel container. I am imagining what the "special travel container" might be. I think it's probably a big piece of cardboard with a hole punched in the top and a plastic blister over it, with a sticker saying "SERIAL #000000001 OF 1 -- COLLECT THEM ALL!" -> After a call to Vancouver, they learned the 35-pound Cup was sitting -> in the Vancouver airport's luggage area 750 miles away. It was too -> heavy to fly. 35 pounds is too heavy? What, are Vancouver's airplanes powered by rubber bands and wishing? -> Goertzen described the situation as a nightmare. -> -> "(Neubrand) told them specifically it was the Stanley Cup," Goertzen -> said. "He is just so distraught." -> -> Fitness gym owner Brent Lock, who had planned to view the Cup Sunday -> night, said he doesn't understand how Air Canada could have left it -> behind. The name "Brent Lock" alone would qualify him to have ACTION STAR! muscles, even if he didn't own his own gym. He better get to see the Cup, or LOCK, BRENT LOCK! will put the LOCKDOWN! on Air Canada! I am so jealous of his name. -> "It's not like it's a brown paper bag; it's the holy grail," he said. -> "It's probably the most important non-religious artifact in Canada." That's right, I forgot that Canada owns the True Cross. (Jesus was crucified in Ottawa by that guy who used to play the trumpet at Senators games. Then John Kricfalusi moved into Jesus's old office.) -- K. Has Canada ever considered having a backup Stanley Cup for emergencies? It could be inflatable so every hockey official, player, or fan could carry one in his pocket. Plus in an emergency they could be used as condoms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Offensive .sigs (was: Favorite episode?) Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:34:24 -0400 Jym Dyer (jym@econet.org) wrote: > > Years ago, for example, when anti-abortion terrorists stole > Edvard Munch's _The_Scream_, I had a .sig like this: > > <_Jym_> .----------. > / .-. .-. \ > / | | | | \ HAVE > \ `-' `-' _/ YOU > jym@remarque.berkeley.edu /\ .--. / | SEEN > \ | / / / / ME? > / | `--' /\ \ > / /`-------' \ \ > > An alert Usenetter recognized the painting from my .sig, and it > was recovered. (Remember this the next time anybody tells you > your .sig is too long.) HI, BOOBERRY!!! I loved you in the all-cereal-character version of "Home Alone"! Unless that's supposed to be the gay robot head from "Lexx", in which case I don't love him even if he is also BooBerry. Hang on, there's a piece of dirt between the "F" and "G" keys on my keyboard... fgfgfgggffgfgffffffffgffggggg there, that's better. Oh, and now there's one between the "M" and the end of the space bar... mm m m m j Sorry, took a detour up to the "J" key too while I was chasing a hair around under my keyboard. Geez, how did you people get my computer so dirty? -- K. Your old .signature looks like what would have happened if Munch had been Chef Boyardee. What other shapes of pasta would have been in the same can? There are always four... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Offensive .sigs (was: Favorite episode?) Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 19:58:08 -0400 Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jym Dyer (jym@econet.org) wrote: > > > > > > <_Jym_> .----------. > > > / .-. .-. \ > > > / | | | | \ HAVE > > > \ `-' `-' _/ YOU > > > jym@remarque.berkeley.edu /\ .--. / | SEEN > > > \ | / / / / ME? > > > / | `--' /\ \ > > > / /`-------' \ \ > > > > HI, BOOBERRY!!! > > You're so gay! Dude, Frankenberry's the gay one. (Count Chocula's just confused.) BooBerry is a healthily metrosexual straight dead purple guy with the eyes of Peter Lorre and a lower torso made out of stench. Because this subject has come up before, here's a partial list of gay cereal characters: King Vitaman Quisp Bruce Jenner Cap'n Crunch Frankenberry the Cookie Crisp dog Barney Rubble (but only on Fruity Pebbles, not Cocoa Pebbles) Gelatinous Blue Fartin' Bird In Baggy Underwear (on all Stop & Shop cereal) Dig 'Em the Super Golden Crisp bear Fruit Brute Uncle Sam, A Natural Laxative the Kaboom clown anyone associated in any way with Honeycomb Snap and Pop Prince Charles I can't remember -- is Prince Charles on Maypo, Wheatena, or Farina? In addition to the elephant tranquilizers, I mean. -- K. And then there was the Frito Bandito. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: icky excerpt! icky excerpt! sound the icky excerpt alarm! Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:44:17 -0400 [from an article on www.ncbuy.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Still, that's relatively normal compared to the married couple -> who has been raising a Cabbage Patch Kid as their real-life son -> for the past 19 years. ICK! So how fast has he been growing? If he's still a baby, then they must have spent a fortune on doll diapers... -> The doll, named Kevin, has his own home and a Corvette courtesy -> of his human parents. If they leave all their money to him in their will, instead of to me, I will be verrrrry annnngrrrry. -- K. Let me get my helmet and Atomic Discomobulator. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Photos taken near my work Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:51:37 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Help! My cherry car is being covered in chocolate! > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/choccherrycar.jpg SEXIEST BILLBOARD EVER!!!! Quick, call David Byrne! For those of you who can't see the Internet, it's a billboard showing a red sports car being driven by a two-dimensional couple who are oblivious to the fact that the cherries painted all over their car are causing it to be engulfed by a giant brown blob of acquisitive goo. The tagline for this ad for "Cherry Ripe" candy bars is "BE CONSUMED." In Australia, candy bar eats you! What a continent! Or maybe the cherries are advancing over their car in order to shield them from the horrible tide of rich creamy chocolate. I'm puzzled. And turned on. -- K. I feel cheated -- I ate one of those chocolate bars once, but it didn't come with a free car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Situational Syncope Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 13:06:41 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I hit my head on the refrigerator on the way down, and my elbow says > > it hit something hard, too. I pulled a muscle in my ribcage and can > > barely move without crying liek schoolgurl. The worst part, though, > > was that it took a LONG time to remember where I was, and an even > > longer time to remember that my friends had been there earlier. > > Kibo would tell you it was the brie that knocked you out but don't > you believe it. [...] You are planning on seeing a Doctor,right? Why? I've hit my head a few times, and I'm still smarter than Kevin. Also, no matter how many cranial injuries I sustain, I'm still baloney baloney baloney baloney noodles baloney baloney noodles BALONEY ZEPPELIN HROTHGAR BORAXO NOUGATINE SIT'N'DOODLE ERASERHEAD LUMPY ONOMATOPOEIA!!! -- K. What were we talking about here on this TV show? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 21:10:27 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com alerted me to this Washington Post article: -> -> Feeling the Heat -> -> Some Parents Apply Hot Sauce to a Child's Tongue as Punishment. -> The Practice Has Some Experts Burning -> -> By Alison Buckholtz -> -> Special to The Washington Post -> Tuesday, August 10, 2004; Page HE01 -> -> Hot sauce adds a kick to salsa, barbeque, falafel and hundreds of -> other foods. But some parents use it in a different recipe, one they -> think will yield better-behaved children: They put a drop of the -> fiery liquid on a child's tongue as punishment for lying, biting, -> hitting or other offenses. See, that would never work on me. The hot sauce would have to be used as a reward for being good. Also it would have to be at least half a shot glass. -> "Hot saucing," or "hot tongue," has roots in Southern culture, -> according to some advocates of the controversial disciplinary -> method, but it has spread throughout the country. Nobody keeps track -> of how many parents do it, but most experts contacted for this -> story, including pediatricians, psychologists and child welfare -> professionals, were familiar with it. -> -> The use of hot sauce has been advocated in a popular book, in a -> magazine for Christian women and on Internet sites. Name one thing that hasn't been advocated on the Internet. I mean, there are at least nine web sites titled "You Should Fart On Cakes", and four titled "Vote 'Farting On Cakes' Guy For President". -> Web-based discussions on parenting carry intense, often emotional -> exchanges on the topic. -> -> But parents aren't the only ones asking "to sauce or not to sauce?" -> Several state governments have gotten involved in the debate. In -> Michigan in 2002, a child care center was sanctioned for using hot -> sauce to discipline a child. The mother of the 18-month-old boy -> reportedly gave the child care workers permission to use the sauce -> to help dissuade her son from biting other children. -> -> Virginia's child protective services agency lists hot saucing among -> disciplinary tactics it calls "bizarre behaviors." The list includes -> such methods as forcing a child to kneel on sharp gravel, and -> locking him in a closet. What's wrong with "bizarre"? The Constitution only forbids "cruel and unusual", it doesn't even mention "bizarre". -> As with spanking, hot saucing elicits strong reactions, even among -> friends and family members. When Kim Crosen's mother-in-law -> discovered that Crosen was using hot sauce on her 5-year-old son, -> she was shocked, said Crosen, a Fairfax mother of three. Because of -> the sensitivity of the subject, Crosen agreed to be interviewed for -> this story only on the condition that she be identified by her -> maiden name. -> -> After Amanda DeLorme of American University Park posted a message -> recommending hot sauce to members of DC Urban Moms, a popular e-mail -> bulletin board, she recalls that she received several responses -> asking, "How can you do this to your child?" Well, first you clamp the mouth open with a dental retractor... -> Parents who use hot sauce say that such tactics as timeouts, -> lectures, negotiation or restricting certain pleasures have not -> worked. For them, hot sauce -- or even the threat of it -- stops -> undesirable behavior. -> -> "It works like a charm," DeLorme said. -> -> Many of these parents say they are very careful about when and how -> they administer the pepper-laced condiment: They use only a drop, do -> it after repeated warnings and as a last-ditch measure. They remain -> confident that it causes no physical harm, and they say they talk -> with their child about the misbehavior afterward. They say it is -> similar to the old-fashioned practice of washing out a child's mouth -> with soap or to spanking (which some saucers do and some don't). Don't forget that in the olden days, kids were given castor oil (a powerful laxative) as punishment. Now that's cruel, unusual, and just plain icky. -> Crosen, who learned about the technique from a friend who carries -> packets of hot sauce in her purse to correct her own children's -> misbehavior, said she administers the sauce only "after many -> warnings, and for extreme circumstances," like when her son called -> his 3-year-old sister a "crybaby." She said she uses it about four -> times per year. Packets? Like the little ones from Taco Bell with the red salt water inside, or worse, the ones from Wendy's with the magenta sugar water inside? -> Pediatricians, psychologists and experts on child care and family -> life contacted for this story strongly recommend against the practice. -> -> Tim Kimmel, a parenting expert who said he approaches parenting from -> an evangelical Christian perspective, has heard from parents that -> hot sauce works well. But he does not approve. -> -> "Just because something works, that doesn't mean it's a good idea," -> said Kimmel, author of "Grace-Based Parenting" (W Publishing Group). -> -> "Fear can be very effective as a discipline technique, but it's -> overkill. You haven't corrected the problem, and it means nothing in -> terms of building character. Our job as parents is to build -> character, not to adjust behavior." Yeah! Disciplining the kid is the school's job! -> Lisa Whelchel, actress and author of "Creative Correction: -> Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline" (Focus On the -> Family/Tyndale House), defends the practice. -> -> "A correction has to hurt a little," she said. "An effective -> deterrent has to touch the child in some way. I don't think Tabasco -> is such a bad thing." Her book suggests a "tiny" bit of hot sauce be -> used, and offers alternatives such as lemon juice and vinegar. -> -> Discipline involves "drawing a line to protect the child," Whelchel -> said, "and if they cross that line, there will be pain." Whelchel -> said she believes that disciplinary methods should be left up to -> parents -- who know their child best, are devoted to the child's -> well-being and can administer punishment with love. -> -> But Betty Jo Zarris, manager of Virginia's child protective services -> program, said: "We have to have some community standards for what's -> appropriate to do to children. Common sense would tell you [hot -> sauce] is not appropriate for a child. The common man on the street -> would know this is offensive." Unless it's a street in Mexico, where all the lollipops are coated with hot pepper. -> The Hot Tongue -> -> DeLorme remembers being "at the point where I would try anything" -> with her 2 1/2-year old son, whom she described as "a disciplinary -> challenge." She learned about the use of hot sauce from a friend. -> -> She now uses the pepper sauce, or the threat of it, when her son -> hits or bites his 5-year-old sister. Maybe he'd stop biting his sister if their mom coated her in hot pepper. They used to tell you to put hot pepper on your kids' thumbs to prevent thumb-sucking. However, I don't think they ever found a way to use it to prevent masturbation. -> "He is better behaved as a result," DeLorme said. "He'll say, -> 'Please don't give me hot tongue, Mommy,' and [the threat] -> interrupts his behavior. We'll talk about it, hug and make up. -> That's what usually happens." -> -> In those rare instances when the threat is not enough, DeLorme pries -> his mouth open and puts one drop of sauce on her son's tongue. "I -> don't feel like I am physically hurting him," said DeLorme, who -> described herself as "opposed to spanking and physical violence." -> -> Like some other parents who use hot sauce, Crosen believes it is an -> appropriate punishment for "defiant talk.... I use it when the -> mouth is the offending party. He needs to learn to control what's -> coming out of his mouth. If it's his tongue that gets him in -> trouble, it's his tongue that gets punished." So the kid's going to learn to be a ventriloquist, so that he can say "Sit on it!" without moving his mouth. -> As a Christian, she believes that "children need to respect and obey -> [parents] or they won't learn to respect and obey God. God won't hot -> sauce you, but you need to learn consequences." "God won't hot sauce you," is one of those valuable life lessons that make me wonder, "Gee, but I could hot sauce God, so if I did, would I win a prize?" -> [...] -> -> But when it is used, hot tongue should never be administered in -> anger, she added, noting that simply sitting down with a child with -> the hot sauce bottle in front of them causes the two to talk about -> the child's misbehavior. The bottle, she said, acts like a prop: -> "better than a hand or a belt." That reminds me, I still need to get a belt holster (or possibly a shoulder holster) to make it easier to bring a bottle of hot sauce to restaurants, movie theaters, and cotton candy pushcarts. -> She is opposed to spanking. "If I hit my child, how can I tell them -> not to hit someone else? It's the worst type of discipline," she said. -> -> Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist in Boston, fielded occasional -> questions about hot sauce when he was resident therapist for the Web -> site Family Education Network. "Tabasco is the most mainstream -> iconic punishment in our culture," he said. I thought the most mainstream iconic punishment in our culture was called Microsoft Windows. -> Like many people, Kendrick uses the brand name "Tabasco" as a -> shorthand. Tabasco is the proprietary name of a single brand of -> sauce, made by the McIlhenny Co. of Avery Island, La. The owners of -> the company condemn the use of their products for child discipline. -> In an interview, company president Paul McIlhenny called the -> practice "strange and scary" and "abusive." This is what they get for being unable to find anyone less perverted than Ann Rice and Dan Aykroyd to endorse Tabasco in their commercials. (I've noticed subtle clues that Ann Rice might be kinky.) -> [...] -> -> Capsaicin, the substance that makes peppers hot, inflames membranes -> in the eyes, nose and mouth. While many adults find this feeling -> pleasurable, BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF oh let's not even bother. -> capsaicin can cause negative reactions even in the third of the -> adult population that has no tolerance for ingesting it, according -> to Joel Gregory, publisher of Chile Pepper magazine. -> -> [...] -> -> Spanking the Tongue Sound the Band Name Alert! -> The hot pepper technique's current popularity is due in part to -> Whelchel, a former Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeer and actress who -> played the character Blair on the television series "The Facts of -> Life" in the 1980s. -> -> In "Creative Correction," now in its fifth printing, the mother of -> three provides parents with a variety of tips. -> -> For example, she suggests hiding something a child has failed to put -> away, to teach the lesson that things left out may disappear. "Too bad, you left your bed in plain sight, so now it's gone. Sleep on that paper towel." -> She suggests telling a child who refuses to hold your hand while -> crossing a street, "I can either hold your hand or hold your hair." "And if you're really bad, I'll force you to watch my old sitcom." -> [...] -> -> "If there's a mom who shakes the bottle on the kid's tongue, that -> mom probably does deserve to have someone poking into her business," -> Whelchel said. "But I think most moms are caring and intuitive. You -> can't throw out a bunch of good stuff because of the exceptions." -> -> "Creative Correction" provides long lists of scriptural passages -> that, in Whelchel's view, justify a variety of disciplinary -> practices. -> -> For example, she quotes the Book of Proverbs -- "The mouth of the -> righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut -> out" -- and follows with this suggestion: "A short pinch by a -> clothespin on the tongue can discourage foul language." Hey, I've seen that video. -> Hot saucing is a topic of debate in some Christian circles. -> -> In 2001, an article in Today's Christian Woman magazine advised -> parents to use hot sauce on a child's tongue to teach the importance -> of not talking back. The article offered alternatives, including -> "yucky-tasting" soap or white vinegar. I still want to check up on Peter Billingsley to see if he's yet gone blind from having to have that bar of Lifebuoy in his mouth in "A Christmas Story". -> But there is wide disagreement even among fundamentalist and -> evangelical Christians, just as there is among other parents. Some -> question whether the tongue is the proper target for disciplinary -> action. -> -> "The tongue doesn't do the lying, the heart does the lying," said -> Kimmel, the evangelical parenting author. "When you direct a form of -> discipline to a body part that created the problem, it's like in -> [other cultures] when they cut off your hand for stealing." "So, it's far more logical to stab the kid in the heart." -> Ken Williams, executive director of Christian Counseling Associates -> Inc., in Columbia, accepts a connection between lying and the -> tongue, and allows that the use of hot sauce is "biblically -> supportable in principle." Yeah, well, MY bible says that every time your kid lies, I get candy! -> [...] -> -> Old vs. New -> -> Margaret McGowen of the District, a staff scientist for a trade -> association and the mother of a 17-month-old, is familiar with the -> intense feelings about hot sauce. McGowan's mother sauced her tongue -> when she was 3 and 4 years old, as punishment for telling fibs. -> -> "She told us the devil was dancing on our tongue, and she put a drop -> of Tabasco on it to drive him away," said McGowen, who grew up in -> Philadelphia. -> -> McGowen "couldn't connect" the idea of her tongue's getting punished -> for a lie, though she remembers that "it really did discourage us -> from fibbing. All I had to do was see the bottle. Even if [my -> mother] was just using it for cooking or adding it to a recipe, it -> put fear in me." -> -> McGowen will not pass her saucing experience down to her son. -> -> "I don't need to resort to chemical warfare," she said. Though she -> does not blame her mother for the punishment "because she was -> probably ill-informed," McGowen believes that "today we are more -> educated about the psychology of children." "And also, today, Americans enjoy far blander food than they used to." -- K. How come nobody ever suggests the correct way to punish kids -- turning off their TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 01:02:06 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > >