From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's the difference between a Virginia Slim and a chicken turd? Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 00:05:27 -0400 crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> The president on Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov, has issued a > > -> decree banning his people to chew nas in common places, Russia's > > -> news agency Interfax reported on Friday. Nas or naswai is the > > -> country's staple drug, made of tobacco, slacked lime and chicken > > -> excrement. People chew nas for its mild narcotic and stimulating > > -> qualities. > > > > "Dude! You have to try sucking down this gallon of chicken diarrhea! > > It'll be mildly enjoyable!" > > I'm kind of interested in some "slacked lime"--that has to be the good part. Goshdurnitall, I didn't even notice that sub-Subgenius-quality misspelling. But that's because I was more interested in thinking about this article about mouthfuls of chicken Dootie-Os as little as possible while I talked about it. I mean, these are people who actually try to make stuff better by adding shit to it. I don't want to see their recipe for Key lime pie, a Virgin Mary, Chex Mix, Buffalo wings, or Fluffernutters. Because I'm sure the Turkmenistanis have figured out several places to hide chicken poop in every Fluffernutter. This is a country where, when the toilets back up, the people yell "Yay! We won extra shit! Now let us smoke that shit while we dance the dance of joy!" Turkmenistan. It's not a continent, it's an incontinent. -- K. And you really don't want to know what's in their Slim Jims. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Most important non-religious artifact in Canada Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:24:52 -0400 [from www.usatoday.com] > -> Stanley Cup temporarily lost in luggage mishap -> -> FORT ST. JOHN, British Columbia (AP) -- The Stanley Cup spent -> Sunday night in luggage limbo. -> -> The fabled trophy disappeared during an Air Canada flight from -> Vancouver to Fort St. John over the weekend when Vancouver airline -> officials removed it from the plane because of weight restrictions. -> -> Walter Neubrand, keeper of the Cup, was delivering the trophy to -> Jake Goertzen, head scout for the Stanley Cup champion Tampa Bay -> Lightning. -> -> As the two waited by the baggage claim, it didn't take long for them -> to realize something was wrong. -> -> "We were waiting for it to come out," Goertzen said. "Everybody's -> bag was there, except the Cup." -> -> Air Canada agents checked the plane but there was no sign of the Cup -> or its special travel container. I am imagining what the "special travel container" might be. I think it's probably a big piece of cardboard with a hole punched in the top and a plastic blister over it, with a sticker saying "SERIAL #000000001 OF 1 -- COLLECT THEM ALL!" -> After a call to Vancouver, they learned the 35-pound Cup was sitting -> in the Vancouver airport's luggage area 750 miles away. It was too -> heavy to fly. 35 pounds is too heavy? What, are Vancouver's airplanes powered by rubber bands and wishing? -> Goertzen described the situation as a nightmare. -> -> "(Neubrand) told them specifically it was the Stanley Cup," Goertzen -> said. "He is just so distraught." -> -> Fitness gym owner Brent Lock, who had planned to view the Cup Sunday -> night, said he doesn't understand how Air Canada could have left it -> behind. The name "Brent Lock" alone would qualify him to have ACTION STAR! muscles, even if he didn't own his own gym. He better get to see the Cup, or LOCK, BRENT LOCK! will put the LOCKDOWN! on Air Canada! I am so jealous of his name. -> "It's not like it's a brown paper bag; it's the holy grail," he said. -> "It's probably the most important non-religious artifact in Canada." That's right, I forgot that Canada owns the True Cross. (Jesus was crucified in Ottawa by that guy who used to play the trumpet at Senators games. Then John Kricfalusi moved into Jesus's old office.) -- K. Has Canada ever considered having a backup Stanley Cup for emergencies? It could be inflatable so every hockey official, player, or fan could carry one in his pocket. Plus in an emergency they could be used as condoms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most important non-religious artifact in Canada Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 14:25:30 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > If you do decide you need to come to the area in search of honkeytonks > > you'll want to check out this place. It isn't particularly > > honkeytonkish but the decor more than makes up for it. > > > > http://www.outpost-tavern.net/ > > Jeebus.I wonder if there's a sign over the toilet that says: > "Don't eat the big white mint." Um, dogsnus? Those don't go in the toilet. What, is your brain bustid? A fancy upscale place what has them toilet cakes would stick 'em in an upright sink they call a yoo-rinnal. -- K. And I bet they have a dress code which _requires_ brown leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most important non-religious artifact in Canada Date: Tue, 31 Aug 2004 14:51:39 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > > I wonder if there's a sign over the toilet that says: > > > "Don't eat the big white mint." > > > > Um, dogsnus? Those don't go in the toilet. What, is your brain bustid? > > Well,duh!I'm here,aren't I? I don't think so. Can I see three forms of ID to prove you exist? > > A fancy upscale place what has them toilet cakes would stick 'em in an > > upright sink they call a yoo-rinnal. > > I'm betting a bottle of really hot-hot sauce you've never seen "Road House" > with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot. Sure I have, and what type of hot sauce are you sending me? In college, I had a roommate whose idea of a party was to rent a Sean Penn movie ("Colors"), a Patrick Swayze movie ("Roadhouse"), and an Eric Bogosian movie ("Talk Radio"). Oh, and one of his friends demanded a Friday The 13th movie ("Friday The 13th Part Something"). The only good thing I can say about "Roadhouse" was that it didn't induce hysterical laughter in me the way the opening of Swayze's "Steel Dawn" did (he stands on his head in the middle of the desert for a long time, then some bad guys come running up to him and he kicks them while still standing on his head, if I remember that incorrect staging correctly.) Of the movies I've mentioned, it makes me sad to say this, but the "Friday The 13th" sequel was the least tedious. The Eric Bogosian movie made me want to run Eric Bogosian over with a white-hot glass Flintstones car. -- K. SEND HOT SAUCE TO: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline, MA 02446 ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Most important non-religious artifact in Canada Date: Wed, 01 Sep 2004 06:40:09 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@icron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@icron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I'm betting a bottle of really hot-hot sauce you've never seen "Road > > > House" with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot. > > > > Sure I have, and what type of hot sauce are you sending me? > > Sigh.I should have known better. A habanero based sauce,of an unknown > to me manufacturer that I'm hoping you'll taste test for me. Sure. > If this works out,I'll be sending you all my okra for taste testing > in the future. Think of it as back up job skills or something,should you ever > find yourself unemployed.In Greenland. I love okra. I was preparing for a picnic (to follow a hike) last weekend, and I was going to bring a jar of spicy pickled okra, but the weather was extremely hot so I chose not to be carrying a bunch of food around on the hike. This was a good thing, because (without knowing I had planned to bring okra) the person I was with volunteered that their least favorite food was okra. > [...] Alright already! It should be there by thursday or friday. Thank you very much! > I'd like a full report,please. Of course. Is this going to be one of those full-strength habanero sauces that basically tastes like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, or one of the really dilute ones where you can actually taste the flavor without dying? (I usually prefer the weaker sauces, because then I can use them in large quantities, whereas real habaneros are so hot that they shouldn't be eaten straight. Except for the one I once got at the old Prudential Star, which had turned translucent as it got old and dissolved away all its own power before I bought it.) -- K. I like okra, eggplant, and several other disgusting vegetables. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Offensive .sigs (was: Favorite episode?) Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:34:24 -0400 Jym Dyer (jym@econet.org) wrote: > > Years ago, for example, when anti-abortion terrorists stole > Edvard Munch's _The_Scream_, I had a .sig like this: > > <_Jym_> .----------. > / .-. .-. \ > / | | | | \ HAVE > \ `-' `-' _/ YOU > jym@remarque.berkeley.edu /\ .--. / | SEEN > \ | / / / / ME? > / | `--' /\ \ > / /`-------' \ \ > > An alert Usenetter recognized the painting from my .sig, and it > was recovered. (Remember this the next time anybody tells you > your .sig is too long.) HI, BOOBERRY!!! I loved you in the all-cereal-character version of "Home Alone"! Unless that's supposed to be the gay robot head from "Lexx", in which case I don't love him even if he is also BooBerry. Hang on, there's a piece of dirt between the "F" and "G" keys on my keyboard... fgfgfgggffgfgffffffffgffggggg there, that's better. Oh, and now there's one between the "M" and the end of the space bar... mm m m m j Sorry, took a detour up to the "J" key too while I was chasing a hair around under my keyboard. Geez, how did you people get my computer so dirty? -- K. Your old .signature looks like what would have happened if Munch had been Chef Boyardee. What other shapes of pasta would have been in the same can? There are always four... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Offensive .sigs (was: Favorite episode?) Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 19:58:08 -0400 Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jym Dyer (jym@econet.org) wrote: > > > > > > <_Jym_> .----------. > > > / .-. .-. \ > > > / | | | | \ HAVE > > > \ `-' `-' _/ YOU > > > jym@remarque.berkeley.edu /\ .--. / | SEEN > > > \ | / / / / ME? > > > / | `--' /\ \ > > > / /`-------' \ \ > > > > HI, BOOBERRY!!! > > You're so gay! Dude, Frankenberry's the gay one. (Count Chocula's just confused.) BooBerry is a healthily metrosexual straight dead purple guy with the eyes of Peter Lorre and a lower torso made out of stench. Because this subject has come up before, here's a partial list of gay cereal characters: King Vitaman Quisp Bruce Jenner Cap'n Crunch Frankenberry the Cookie Crisp dog Barney Rubble (but only on Fruity Pebbles, not Cocoa Pebbles) Gelatinous Blue Fartin' Bird In Baggy Underwear (on all Stop & Shop cereal) Dig 'Em the Super Golden Crisp bear Fruit Brute Uncle Sam, A Natural Laxative the Kaboom clown anyone associated in any way with Honeycomb Snap and Pop Prince Charles I can't remember -- is Prince Charles on Maypo, Wheatena, or Farina? In addition to the elephant tranquilizers, I mean. -- K. And then there was the Frito Bandito. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: icky excerpt! icky excerpt! sound the icky excerpt alarm! Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:44:17 -0400 [from an article on www.ncbuy.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Still, that's relatively normal compared to the married couple -> who has been raising a Cabbage Patch Kid as their real-life son -> for the past 19 years. ICK! So how fast has he been growing? If he's still a baby, then they must have spent a fortune on doll diapers... -> The doll, named Kevin, has his own home and a Corvette courtesy -> of his human parents. If they leave all their money to him in their will, instead of to me, I will be verrrrry annnngrrrry. -- K. Let me get my helmet and Atomic Discomobulator. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Photos taken near my work Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 12:51:37 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Help! My cherry car is being covered in chocolate! > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/choccherrycar.jpg SEXIEST BILLBOARD EVER!!!! Quick, call David Byrne! For those of you who can't see the Internet, it's a billboard showing a red sports car being driven by a two-dimensional couple who are oblivious to the fact that the cherries painted all over their car are causing it to be engulfed by a giant brown blob of acquisitive goo. The tagline for this ad for "Cherry Ripe" candy bars is "BE CONSUMED." In Australia, candy bar eats you! What a continent! Or maybe the cherries are advancing over their car in order to shield them from the horrible tide of rich creamy chocolate. I'm puzzled. And turned on. -- K. I feel cheated -- I ate one of those chocolate bars once, but it didn't come with a free car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Situational Syncope Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 13:06:41 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I hit my head on the refrigerator on the way down, and my elbow says > > it hit something hard, too. I pulled a muscle in my ribcage and can > > barely move without crying liek schoolgurl. The worst part, though, > > was that it took a LONG time to remember where I was, and an even > > longer time to remember that my friends had been there earlier. > > Kibo would tell you it was the brie that knocked you out but don't > you believe it. [...] You are planning on seeing a Doctor,right? Why? I've hit my head a few times, and I'm still smarter than Kevin. Also, no matter how many cranial injuries I sustain, I'm still baloney baloney baloney baloney noodles baloney baloney noodles BALONEY ZEPPELIN HROTHGAR BORAXO NOUGATINE SIT'N'DOODLE ERASERHEAD LUMPY ONOMATOPOEIA!!! -- K. What were we talking about here on this TV show? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Games babies love, other than FreeCell Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 20:26:05 -0400 John McHugh (un.x.jmchugh@xoxy.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > > > > > I can never think of Monopoly without thinking of Kevin Kline in > > > the movie "I love you to death" where he waves the box around > > > and says "MON-OP-OLY!" while bleeding from a gunshot wound to > > > the head and drugged up aften eating poisoned spaghetti. > > > > Please, it wasn't spaghetti, it was "lasagna crunch". Then he got into > > the hot tub with Bruce Jenner and they called it "MO-nopoly". > > > > Also in this version of the movie, Glenn had a huge part and Felipe > > had a tiny part, and there was a big red button in the corner of the > > movie screen -- anyone in the audience could throw popcorn at it > > to stop the music. Whenever the music stopped, there wouldn't be > > enough chairs so one cast member would have to leave until the movie > > was all Glenn. > > > > -- K. > > > > And this version > > was directed by > > Miles Silverberg's > > mother. > > OK. This post gets my vote for the new (current) episode of "The > Big Explaining". Has anyone else even voted yet? IT'S YOUR CIVIC > DUTY! Vote early. Vote often. *sigh* That barely needs explaining. It's all about one particularly infamous movie you're all supposed to have seen because it's so easy to make fun of. The one where Bruce Jenner proved he's gayer than all six of the Village People combined. "Can't Stop The Music". See, when Valerie Perrine and her creepy fag-hag friend are serving lasagna to the Village People, one of them loses a contact lens into the tray of lasagna and the other suggests calling it "lasagna crunch". The closest this movie comes to having a plot is that later they reheat the leftover lasagna and serve it to Bruce Jenner, but Valerie Perrine accidentally dumps the hot lasagna on Bruce Jenner's lap, which forces Steve Guttenberg to rip off Bruce Jenner's pants and blow on his crotch. I am not making this up, and remember, this movie works really hard to convince you that all six of the Village People have girlfriends, so Steve Guttenberg has to crotchalize Bruce Jenner in order to ensure the movie is gay enough to get something other than a "G" rating. Near the beginning of the movie, the construction worker sings an awful song ("I Love You To Death") while smacking around a bunch of prototypes of Robert Palmer girls in a scene where he fantasizes he's in a TV commercial for a misogynistically hetero construction company, or something, nobody really knows. Later in the movie, there is one (and only one) good musical number, when they sing "YMCA" while at a YMCA, and the Village People and Bruce Jenner and Valerie Perrine are all there, and while they're all in the hot tub at the Y, Valerie Perrine has the same facial expression as the right-hand half of Pink Lady did whenever they had to get into the hot tub with Jeff Altman. (Steve Gutternberg is to Jeff Altman as Valerie Perrine saying "Eww!" is to Kei saying "Eww!") So that would be why it was pronounced "MO-nopoly", because in the late 1970s "mo" was slang for "homo", and in grade school you could amuse yourself endlessly by asking random people, "Did you !!!MO!!! the lawn today?" The key was to say "MO" as loudly as possible to make it clear that this was a clever double-entendre for nine-year-olds. The reaction of every human being in the world to "Can't Stop The Music" was to demand an immediate stop to the music, and indeed, disco was officially cancelled within a week of the movie's release. And as if there weren't already enough things wrong with this movie, the Village People barely appear in it (just long enough to sing "YMCA" and a few really, really bad songs) and worst of all, Glenn appears in it far less than the other five. Glenn is the one who was listed on the back of one album as the "leather enthusiast", and he gets the movie's only funny line, when he sobs "Leathermen don't get nervous!" Now, see, the TV sitcom "Murphy Brown" was an obvious knock-off of the TV sitcom "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", except with a different cast. The actress who played the mother of the token Jewish character (Rhoda) on the latter directed "Can't Stop The Music", so presumably if "Murphy Brown" hadn't been cancelled, Miles's mother would have had to direct "Still Can't Stop The Music: The Next Generation". Was this explanation even necessary? Anyway, I hope I don't have to explain what it really meant when the Village People sang that song about a "milkshake". It might bum some of you out to know that all your favorite Village People songs are about sex. -- K. "Murphy Brown", on the other hand, was about Mortimer Snerd running a newsroom just like Poochie, except without the flying car and the fake C3P0 voiced by Fred Travelena. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 21:10:27 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com alerted me to this Washington Post article: -> -> Feeling the Heat -> -> Some Parents Apply Hot Sauce to a Child's Tongue as Punishment. -> The Practice Has Some Experts Burning -> -> By Alison Buckholtz -> -> Special to The Washington Post -> Tuesday, August 10, 2004; Page HE01 -> -> Hot sauce adds a kick to salsa, barbeque, falafel and hundreds of -> other foods. But some parents use it in a different recipe, one they -> think will yield better-behaved children: They put a drop of the -> fiery liquid on a child's tongue as punishment for lying, biting, -> hitting or other offenses. See, that would never work on me. The hot sauce would have to be used as a reward for being good. Also it would have to be at least half a shot glass. -> "Hot saucing," or "hot tongue," has roots in Southern culture, -> according to some advocates of the controversial disciplinary -> method, but it has spread throughout the country. Nobody keeps track -> of how many parents do it, but most experts contacted for this -> story, including pediatricians, psychologists and child welfare -> professionals, were familiar with it. -> -> The use of hot sauce has been advocated in a popular book, in a -> magazine for Christian women and on Internet sites. Name one thing that hasn't been advocated on the Internet. I mean, there are at least nine web sites titled "You Should Fart On Cakes", and four titled "Vote 'Farting On Cakes' Guy For President". -> Web-based discussions on parenting carry intense, often emotional -> exchanges on the topic. -> -> But parents aren't the only ones asking "to sauce or not to sauce?" -> Several state governments have gotten involved in the debate. In -> Michigan in 2002, a child care center was sanctioned for using hot -> sauce to discipline a child. The mother of the 18-month-old boy -> reportedly gave the child care workers permission to use the sauce -> to help dissuade her son from biting other children. -> -> Virginia's child protective services agency lists hot saucing among -> disciplinary tactics it calls "bizarre behaviors." The list includes -> such methods as forcing a child to kneel on sharp gravel, and -> locking him in a closet. What's wrong with "bizarre"? The Constitution only forbids "cruel and unusual", it doesn't even mention "bizarre". -> As with spanking, hot saucing elicits strong reactions, even among -> friends and family members. When Kim Crosen's mother-in-law -> discovered that Crosen was using hot sauce on her 5-year-old son, -> she was shocked, said Crosen, a Fairfax mother of three. Because of -> the sensitivity of the subject, Crosen agreed to be interviewed for -> this story only on the condition that she be identified by her -> maiden name. -> -> After Amanda DeLorme of American University Park posted a message -> recommending hot sauce to members of DC Urban Moms, a popular e-mail -> bulletin board, she recalls that she received several responses -> asking, "How can you do this to your child?" Well, first you clamp the mouth open with a dental retractor... -> Parents who use hot sauce say that such tactics as timeouts, -> lectures, negotiation or restricting certain pleasures have not -> worked. For them, hot sauce -- or even the threat of it -- stops -> undesirable behavior. -> -> "It works like a charm," DeLorme said. -> -> Many of these parents say they are very careful about when and how -> they administer the pepper-laced condiment: They use only a drop, do -> it after repeated warnings and as a last-ditch measure. They remain -> confident that it causes no physical harm, and they say they talk -> with their child about the misbehavior afterward. They say it is -> similar to the old-fashioned practice of washing out a child's mouth -> with soap or to spanking (which some saucers do and some don't). Don't forget that in the olden days, kids were given castor oil (a powerful laxative) as punishment. Now that's cruel, unusual, and just plain icky. -> Crosen, who learned about the technique from a friend who carries -> packets of hot sauce in her purse to correct her own children's -> misbehavior, said she administers the sauce only "after many -> warnings, and for extreme circumstances," like when her son called -> his 3-year-old sister a "crybaby." She said she uses it about four -> times per year. Packets? Like the little ones from Taco Bell with the red salt water inside, or worse, the ones from Wendy's with the magenta sugar water inside? -> Pediatricians, psychologists and experts on child care and family -> life contacted for this story strongly recommend against the practice. -> -> Tim Kimmel, a parenting expert who said he approaches parenting from -> an evangelical Christian perspective, has heard from parents that -> hot sauce works well. But he does not approve. -> -> "Just because something works, that doesn't mean it's a good idea," -> said Kimmel, author of "Grace-Based Parenting" (W Publishing Group). -> -> "Fear can be very effective as a discipline technique, but it's -> overkill. You haven't corrected the problem, and it means nothing in -> terms of building character. Our job as parents is to build -> character, not to adjust behavior." Yeah! Disciplining the kid is the school's job! -> Lisa Whelchel, actress and author of "Creative Correction: -> Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline" (Focus On the -> Family/Tyndale House), defends the practice. -> -> "A correction has to hurt a little," she said. "An effective -> deterrent has to touch the child in some way. I don't think Tabasco -> is such a bad thing." Her book suggests a "tiny" bit of hot sauce be -> used, and offers alternatives such as lemon juice and vinegar. -> -> Discipline involves "drawing a line to protect the child," Whelchel -> said, "and if they cross that line, there will be pain." Whelchel -> said she believes that disciplinary methods should be left up to -> parents -- who know their child best, are devoted to the child's -> well-being and can administer punishment with love. -> -> But Betty Jo Zarris, manager of Virginia's child protective services -> program, said: "We have to have some community standards for what's -> appropriate to do to children. Common sense would tell you [hot -> sauce] is not appropriate for a child. The common man on the street -> would know this is offensive." Unless it's a street in Mexico, where all the lollipops are coated with hot pepper. -> The Hot Tongue -> -> DeLorme remembers being "at the point where I would try anything" -> with her 2 1/2-year old son, whom she described as "a disciplinary -> challenge." She learned about the use of hot sauce from a friend. -> -> She now uses the pepper sauce, or the threat of it, when her son -> hits or bites his 5-year-old sister. Maybe he'd stop biting his sister if their mom coated her in hot pepper. They used to tell you to put hot pepper on your kids' thumbs to prevent thumb-sucking. However, I don't think they ever found a way to use it to prevent masturbation. -> "He is better behaved as a result," DeLorme said. "He'll say, -> 'Please don't give me hot tongue, Mommy,' and [the threat] -> interrupts his behavior. We'll talk about it, hug and make up. -> That's what usually happens." -> -> In those rare instances when the threat is not enough, DeLorme pries -> his mouth open and puts one drop of sauce on her son's tongue. "I -> don't feel like I am physically hurting him," said DeLorme, who -> described herself as "opposed to spanking and physical violence." -> -> Like some other parents who use hot sauce, Crosen believes it is an -> appropriate punishment for "defiant talk.... I use it when the -> mouth is the offending party. He needs to learn to control what's -> coming out of his mouth. If it's his tongue that gets him in -> trouble, it's his tongue that gets punished." So the kid's going to learn to be a ventriloquist, so that he can say "Sit on it!" without moving his mouth. -> As a Christian, she believes that "children need to respect and obey -> [parents] or they won't learn to respect and obey God. God won't hot -> sauce you, but you need to learn consequences." "God won't hot sauce you," is one of those valuable life lessons that make me wonder, "Gee, but I could hot sauce God, so if I did, would I win a prize?" -> [...] -> -> But when it is used, hot tongue should never be administered in -> anger, she added, noting that simply sitting down with a child with -> the hot sauce bottle in front of them causes the two to talk about -> the child's misbehavior. The bottle, she said, acts like a prop: -> "better than a hand or a belt." That reminds me, I still need to get a belt holster (or possibly a shoulder holster) to make it easier to bring a bottle of hot sauce to restaurants, movie theaters, and cotton candy pushcarts. -> She is opposed to spanking. "If I hit my child, how can I tell them -> not to hit someone else? It's the worst type of discipline," she said. -> -> Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist in Boston, fielded occasional -> questions about hot sauce when he was resident therapist for the Web -> site Family Education Network. "Tabasco is the most mainstream -> iconic punishment in our culture," he said. I thought the most mainstream iconic punishment in our culture was called Microsoft Windows. -> Like many people, Kendrick uses the brand name "Tabasco" as a -> shorthand. Tabasco is the proprietary name of a single brand of -> sauce, made by the McIlhenny Co. of Avery Island, La. The owners of -> the company condemn the use of their products for child discipline. -> In an interview, company president Paul McIlhenny called the -> practice "strange and scary" and "abusive." This is what they get for being unable to find anyone less perverted than Ann Rice and Dan Aykroyd to endorse Tabasco in their commercials. (I've noticed subtle clues that Ann Rice might be kinky.) -> [...] -> -> Capsaicin, the substance that makes peppers hot, inflames membranes -> in the eyes, nose and mouth. While many adults find this feeling -> pleasurable, BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF oh let's not even bother. -> capsaicin can cause negative reactions even in the third of the -> adult population that has no tolerance for ingesting it, according -> to Joel Gregory, publisher of Chile Pepper magazine. -> -> [...] -> -> Spanking the Tongue Sound the Band Name Alert! -> The hot pepper technique's current popularity is due in part to -> Whelchel, a former Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeer and actress who -> played the character Blair on the television series "The Facts of -> Life" in the 1980s. -> -> In "Creative Correction," now in its fifth printing, the mother of -> three provides parents with a variety of tips. -> -> For example, she suggests hiding something a child has failed to put -> away, to teach the lesson that things left out may disappear. "Too bad, you left your bed in plain sight, so now it's gone. Sleep on that paper towel." -> She suggests telling a child who refuses to hold your hand while -> crossing a street, "I can either hold your hand or hold your hair." "And if you're really bad, I'll force you to watch my old sitcom." -> [...] -> -> "If there's a mom who shakes the bottle on the kid's tongue, that -> mom probably does deserve to have someone poking into her business," -> Whelchel said. "But I think most moms are caring and intuitive. You -> can't throw out a bunch of good stuff because of the exceptions." -> -> "Creative Correction" provides long lists of scriptural passages -> that, in Whelchel's view, justify a variety of disciplinary -> practices. -> -> For example, she quotes the Book of Proverbs -- "The mouth of the -> righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut -> out" -- and follows with this suggestion: "A short pinch by a -> clothespin on the tongue can discourage foul language." Hey, I've seen that video. -> Hot saucing is a topic of debate in some Christian circles. -> -> In 2001, an article in Today's Christian Woman magazine advised -> parents to use hot sauce on a child's tongue to teach the importance -> of not talking back. The article offered alternatives, including -> "yucky-tasting" soap or white vinegar. I still want to check up on Peter Billingsley to see if he's yet gone blind from having to have that bar of Lifebuoy in his mouth in "A Christmas Story". -> But there is wide disagreement even among fundamentalist and -> evangelical Christians, just as there is among other parents. Some -> question whether the tongue is the proper target for disciplinary -> action. -> -> "The tongue doesn't do the lying, the heart does the lying," said -> Kimmel, the evangelical parenting author. "When you direct a form of -> discipline to a body part that created the problem, it's like in -> [other cultures] when they cut off your hand for stealing." "So, it's far more logical to stab the kid in the heart." -> Ken Williams, executive director of Christian Counseling Associates -> Inc., in Columbia, accepts a connection between lying and the -> tongue, and allows that the use of hot sauce is "biblically -> supportable in principle." Yeah, well, MY bible says that every time your kid lies, I get candy! -> [...] -> -> Old vs. New -> -> Margaret McGowen of the District, a staff scientist for a trade -> association and the mother of a 17-month-old, is familiar with the -> intense feelings about hot sauce. McGowan's mother sauced her tongue -> when she was 3 and 4 years old, as punishment for telling fibs. -> -> "She told us the devil was dancing on our tongue, and she put a drop -> of Tabasco on it to drive him away," said McGowen, who grew up in -> Philadelphia. -> -> McGowen "couldn't connect" the idea of her tongue's getting punished -> for a lie, though she remembers that "it really did discourage us -> from fibbing. All I had to do was see the bottle. Even if [my -> mother] was just using it for cooking or adding it to a recipe, it -> put fear in me." -> -> McGowen will not pass her saucing experience down to her son. -> -> "I don't need to resort to chemical warfare," she said. Though she -> does not blame her mother for the punishment "because she was -> probably ill-informed," McGowen believes that "today we are more -> educated about the psychology of children." "And also, today, Americans enjoy far blander food than they used to." -- K. How come nobody ever suggests the correct way to punish kids -- turning off their TV? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 01:02:06 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, I still need to get a belt holster (or possibly a > > shoulder holster) to make it easier to bring a bottle of hot sauce > > to restaurants, movie theaters, and cotton candy pushcarts. > > I've got an old faded yellow canvas hunting vest that has lots of > little pockets for shotgun shells. That might work--and you could > take an impressive array of hot sauces. But it wouldn't go with your > current clothing style, I think. The hunter is one of the Other Village People, along with the astronaut, the football player, the scuba diver, the fireman, and the coal miner. The Other Village People only perform at the Hotel Portmeirion in Wales. (They mostly just dance to the Farandole from Bizet's "l'Arlesienne" suite #2.) WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE VILLAGE PEOPLE ALREADY? GEEZ! Also, no way am I wearing a _girl's_ hunting vest. -- K. Am I going to need to explain this one, too, or should I just crawl inside a weather balloon? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 21:13:07 -0400 [on punishing children with a drop of Tabasco] Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > When I was very young, my parents tried breaking my nail-biting habit by > putting some sort of pepper sauce mixture on my fingernails. > > It didn't do much to stop the nail biting, but in some perverse way, > it did play a role in my developing a taste for hot sauce. Whaddaya mean, "in SOME perverse way"? It's the ONLY perverse way! Enjoying hot sauce equals being a pervert, no ifs, ands, or buts! NOW SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING HOT SAUCE, PERVERT!!! -- K. By the way, why don't we allow people to bite their own nails? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 13:16:14 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Wiblur the Once (J.D.F. Stone) wrote: > > > > When I was very young, my parents tried breaking my nail-biting habit by > > putting some sort of pepper sauce mixture on my fingernails. > > They tried to stop my thumb-sucking when I was two with that. i'm told > I came out, held up my thumb, and said "More." Well, at least the hot sauce helped you to come out at an early age. It must have been nice knowing you were that way long before you hit puberty, so that you'd have something to look forward to. > > It didn't do much to stop the nail biting, but in some perverse way, > > it did play a role in my developing a taste for hot sauce. > > Same here, but my thumb-sucking is now called a "newspaper column." Dear Chris, I heard that smearing a mixture of lard and hot sauce all over your face for an hour is a great way to make your skin healthier and younger and indestructible. Don't forget the eyeballs. Also, can you guess behind which door I've hidden the corpse of Marilyn Vos Savant? Sincerely, Dude on a Dark Day Boston, MA ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 01:20:30 -0400 [on disciplining children with hot sauce] wilson (awilson42@gmail.com) wrote: > > None of this would have worked on me - I had the taste for fiery hot > flavors from the time I was a small child. I used to like drinking > half-bottles of Louisiana hot pepper sauce... until I discovered what > happens if you do that. Why? Didn't you like getting really happy and bubbly and wanting to hug and/or screw everyone within a fifty-mile radius? Or are you some sort of weirdo who gets some other effect when you drink mild hot sauce? It takes me to a happy place which is like our world except brighter and more colorful and huggably soft, man. And the best part is, it wears off in about ten minutes with no hangover. But then, I'm special. I have a neurology that knows how to have a good time! -- K. I know it's good stuff when there's that WHAM! feeling of it hitting my stomach before the good warmth spreads out in all directions. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hot saucing children Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 23:38:55 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know it's good > > stuff when there's > > that WHAM! > > feeling of it > > hitting my > > stomach before the > > good warmth spreads > > out in all > > directions. Dear Talysman, please allow me to make your face that shape now. -- K. And then, in another article a few minutes later, Talysman wrote: > > [ wouldn't you know it? the one time I click SEND NOW thinking it's going > to give me an error and rewrap the quoted section, it DIDN"T. ] > > anyways, Kontext-Away noticed this wonderful passage in Kibo's message: > > > I know it's good stuff > > when there's that WHAM! > > feeling of it hitting my > > stomach before the good > > warmth spreads out in > > all directions. > > ... and then it scurried back to safety! > > boy, I'm not entirely pleased with these kibo-induced images of George > Michaels beating people up in bathrooms (IYKWIM) and then peeing his pants. Okay, first you mangled my nicely formatted text, then you used a double-quote as an apostrophe, then you lowercased my name, then you fused George Michael and Lorne Michaels into one super-irritating person who holds a glass of white wine by the stem during oral sex, and finally you used an acronym only understood by total weenies, if you know what I mean. So for all those offenses I'm going to come over there and put a protective sticker over your "SEND NOW" button to keep you from being able to click on it with the little pointy-clicky arrow guy, and then I'm going to give you that WHAM! feeling when I whack you in the gut with a water-cooler bottle of really cheap hot sauce. Then I'll sell the footage to a "Batman" rerun and I'll be rich. Are they still filming new reruns? -- K. Oh, and I hear George Michaels once peed Pee-wee Herman's pants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I've got a Gulliver in me gulliver Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 00:45:48 -0400 Okay, so I just got new glasses and contact lenses too. Whenever I get new glasses, it always takes a few days to get adjusted to them, because the new lenses always have different amounts of distortion (even if they're the same strength -- at my high prescription, all lenses neccesarily have a slight quality of unreality.) Well, the new glasses seem to be more akin to wide-angle lenses than the old ones were. All rooms look deeper and perspective is exaggerated. It's like I'm in a 3-D movie whenever anything moves towards or away from me, and my arms seem to stretch off into the distance when I point. (It's not quite as psychedelic as all that, but you get the point -- these glasses have a new type of distortion I have to get used to.) The contacts, on the other hand, offer nice clear vision with no different distortion than my old glasses, but because they're on my eyes instead of in front of them, the amount of de-magnification is less, so everything in the world seems to be 30% bigger when I have the contact lenses in. Thus, when I put on the new glasses, I feel enormous, and when I put in the contacts, I feel small. It's not quite the same as macropsia and micropsia (hallucinatory states where you feel you're enormous or tiny -- Lewis Carroll had these as migraine precursors, and I've felt them once or twice) because it's a simple optical effect. So now I'm juggling three types of vision -- adapting to the contacts, adapting to the new eyeglasses, and the parts of the day when I've got neither on (such as when I'm coloring my hair, in bed, etc.) It's lending a whole new level of freakiness to my otherwise predictably off-kilter world. Oh, and while I was waiting for them to finish fitting my new lenses into the new frames, I went into the adjacent beauty supply shop and bought myself a tube of orange spike gel for my beard. I figure that since the little orange-bearded leatherbiker in Playmobil set #3014 looks good with a zigzag edge to his beard, so will I. (Besides, I look good in anything, especially now that I can go out without my glasses. People have been hitting on me left and right since I've started wearing my contacts, because now they are exposed to the full hypnotic force of my giant metallic eyes!) -- K. (zap... zap... zap...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pickup lines one should never use Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 01:40:29 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] VARRROOM! Sexy new Kontext-Away (from the makers of Dizeez-B-Gon(R)) roars up on an invisible glass Harley and lassos away boring context! > Why are you flirting with Charles Manson? CHA-KRINKLE! Tired old Kontext-Away curls up like a cellophane fish mistakenly placed in a moistened contact lens case! So, Steve, if you came up to me and said that, I'm not so sure it would be a good pickup line. I suppose it would depend on whether or not I was actually flirting with Charles Manson, and whether I would feel guilty about breaking a date with him just so I could date you, and whether he'd kill you quickly or slowly if you made me break a date with him, and whether or not he'd let me watch. Also, why doesn't Dizeez-B-Gon(R) work no matter how hard I pull its string? -- K. Dizeez-B-Gon(R), from the makers of Bee-B-Gon(R) and Volvox-B-Volvox(R). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Thank you to all, re: hair dye. Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 01:47:02 -0400 a.f.wilson (chaosphaere42@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I'm a complete n00b, but I'm the person whom Talysman referenced re: > hair dye some time back. > > Well - three or four weeks later, and it's still the same color. > > Thanks! [to kibo and whoever else.] You're welcome, as long as I receive my $500. That's for services rendered all over your head. Hey, while we're off the subject, here's an interesting etiquette question. Suppose you're on a first date with someone, and they tell you that when they told their best friend about you, the best friend told them not to go out with you because you were "a professional" who would charge them money. Since the person showed up for the date with you anyway, how much should you charge them even though you're not a prostitute since obviously they're willing to pay to be with you? This, um, is, uh, of, er, course, oh, a, ah, hypothetical, ooh, question. -- K. (talented amateur) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Thank you to all, re: hair dye. Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 23:58:48 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > wilson wrote: > > > I'm a married woman, you know. > > > ;) > > > > Since when is "a" a girl's name? Where I come > > from, any girl named "a" would have been teased mercilessly > > (and possibly beaten up by the other girls). > > > > Did your father have some sort of "Boy Named Sue" thing > > going? > > I think that would be more of a "boy named `The'" situation. of course, > naming a child with some form of article is just asking for trouble, since > any child named "The" is going to develop an enormous ego. > > MR. SMITH: clean your room and take out the trash, The Smith! > THE SMITH: dammit, I don't have to take orders from you! I am > THE SMITH! YEEEHAW! > > [ The Smith whips out an enormous hammer and starts pounding on > various things. ] > > THE SMITH: YEEHAW! now to find a "spreading" chestnut tree, if > you know what I mean! We were talking about how Wilson is a boy named "A", not a cowboy named "X". At least, I think you were channeling the "Cowboy X" cartoon from "Sesame Street" circa 1969. If you weren't, please ignore your own obvious pop culture reference and keep reading until I say something else. As far as spreading chestnuts goes, I think that's called "Nutella". > it wouldn't help matters in the slightest if the child-with-a-definite- > article-for-a-first-name was the son of Bucky Fuller, not just because he's > dead, but also because the Zombie Bucky would fill the kid's head with crap > about how "The" mean "God". GOD IS ALWAYS AN EQUILATERAL SPHERICON! DYMAXION NUTELLA GROWS THE DIDDLY CHESTNUT COWBOY! BEECHCRAFT SUCKS! DILUTE! DILUTE! > so, if you're going to name your child after a part of speech, I would > suggest a pronoun. there's something enchanting about calling a kid "You". > and if you are the Zombie Bill Keane, you can name your kids "Nobody", > "Ida No", and "Third Base", just to prevent lying. Don't forget "Ceci n'est pas un nom," unless the child happens to be shaped exactly like a pipe in which case use Magritte's original snappy catchphrase, unless the child also qualifies for "L.H.O.O.Q.", in which case you should be arrested because you're such a pedophile. -- K. Has anyone yet named their kid ":-)"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Thank you to all, re: hair dye. Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 23:50:17 -0400 wilson (awilson42@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose you're on a first date with someone, and they tell you that when > > they told their best friend about you, the best friend told them not to > > go out with you because you were "a professional" who would charge them > > money. Since the person showed up for the date with you anyway, how > > much should you charge them even though you're not a prostitute since > > obviously they're willing to pay to be with you? This, um, is, uh, > > of, er, course, oh, a, ah, hypothetical, ooh, question. > > I'm a married woman, you know. > ;) See what I mean about how chicks are hitting on me left and right now that ### # # # ##### # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### # # # # # # # # # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # # ### # # ##### # # # # I'm not saying I can't sleep with you. I'm just saying you'll have to pay extra. You should've asked last year. > ...the price was quite high. Hey, the cheap condoms break too easy. -- K. Haw haw, Google can't search the part where I said "I'm gay!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Egyptian feast Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 13:11:06 -0400 J.D.F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Have you ever had ... an Egyptian Waldorf salad? It's celery, apples, > walnuts, human flesh, and grapes. You know, you are what you eat. Therefore, by definition, we're all cannibals. Also, you left out the creamy dressing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go steal Duke Phillips's face. "House of Chicken & Waffles", my ass, he's the main course now. -- K. Degree of difficulty: 3.8 ...A NEW LOW! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's like "Videodrome", but without the good part Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 00:22:33 -0400 [WARNING: GROSS -- I know I'm going to regret posting this] Mark Hill alerted me to this Cronenberger of a humdinger: [from www.newzimbabwe.com] -> -> Witchcraft blamed as man grows genital organ on face -> -> By Japhet Dube -> -> Last updated: Tue Aug 24 04:30:29 2004 -> -> IN a bizarre incident, a Bulawayo man allegedly developed a female -> genital organ on the right side of his face stretching up to the -> chest in what is suspected to be a case of witchcraft. I think we're going to need a diagram here. I'm not so much concerned with "medically impossible" as I am with "topologically impossible". (Mr. Garibaldi, you're velcome to try.) -> The man was the talk of the Egodini commuter omnibus terminus in the -> city on Monday where many people who spotted him as he was boarding -> a omnibus to Magwegwe West suburb on Sunday could not believe what -> they had seen. -> -> The man was yesterday admitted at Mpilo Central Hospital where -> doctors said he had a "cancerous tumor", the Chronicle newspaper -> reported. -> -> The hospital superintendent, Dr Lindiwe Mlilo confirmed that they -> had admitted a man with an abnormal growth but could not be drawn to -> say exactly what it was. She asked this reporter to put his -> questions on the matter in writing. Geez, she must have sand in her vagina. Her _only_ vagina. I hope that when Mr. Reporter writes out his question he has a good enough medical dictionary to look up the Latin word for "cuntface". (Is it just me, or is it getting very "South Park" in here today?) -> Reporters from the Chronicle newspaper say they visited the man at -> the hospital, and found him having covered the alleged female organ -> with a towel. These episodes with Towelie are the worst. -> They also managed to catch up with the driver and conductor of the -> commuter omnibus, which the man boarded on Sunday afternoon, on his -> way to the suburb, Mr Wilson Msusu and Mr Abednicho Ndlovu -> respectively. -> -> Mr Ndlovu confirmed the incident saying they were also shocked to -> see the man with what appeared to be female private parts on the face. And then James Woods pulled a gun out of it. Also his wallet and his car keys and a chicken salad sandwich and a little slip that said "INSPECTED BY #7". -> "The man had a huge swelling on his right side of the face down his -> chest, up to where his ribs end," he said. -> -> "On the swelling there was a growth, which looked like a female -> genital organ." -> -> Mr Ndlovu said the abnormal growth was dripping water continuously -> during the time that he was in the kombi. -> -> He said many people were afraid to board his vehicle because of the -> man's abnormal growth. -> -> "Passengers were afraid to sit next to the man because of this -> abnormality," he said. That's understandable, in case it really is one of those David Cronenberg deformities that might suck you in face-first. -> The driver of the kombi said that upon asking him how the problem -> had developed the man said it all started when he was still young. -> -> "However, I failed to raise money to go for an operation which led -> to the growth enlarging to the huge size that it is today." -> -> Some members of the public however said they suspected that the man -> could have fallen victim to juju known as ulunyoka. -> -> Ulunyoka is an illness that results from having sex with a married -> woman whose husband could have 'fenced' her so that any other man -> who had sex with her develops a certain illness. I don't like this new Strip Fizzbin. -> The juju is administered on women without their knowledge. The -> practice is meant to deter adulterous affairs. -> -> Mr Themba Ngwenya a commuter omnibus tout said: "I think this is a -> clear case of ulunyoka, otherwise how else can you explain the -> presence of the sexual organs on the face," he said. I can think of several ways that sex organs can wind up on a face, and -- oh, you mean on someone's _own_ face. -> A Zimbabwe National Traditional Healers Association member, Mr Abson -> Moyo, said ulunyoka comes in various forms and the development of -> sexual organs in males is another form. -> -> "That is a possible case of ulunyoka as it is manifested in various -> forms," he said. -> -> Mr Moyo said other forms of ulunyoka could be the swelling of the -> stomach of the male victim, the continued experience of pain in the -> woman's private parts or that the man would always want to have his -> private parts in water if he removes them he will feel intense pain -> or the adulterers remain intact after the act and can only be -> separated by the person who administered the juju. The part about wanting to keep your weenie underwater is actually kind of clever, in a retarded way. -> A man who is a tout at Egodini, told Chronicle that he knows the man -> and three months ago he did not have the swelling. -> -> "The last time I saw him three months ago he did not have any growth -> on his face. It was just normal," he said. -> -> "I don't know what happened to him in the last three months." Well, he ate nothing but Subway sandwiches, and he lost fifty pounds and gained a facegina. (And yes, a Zimbabwean once told me they do have Subway shops in Harare, but not McDonalds.) -> A medical doctor in Bulawayo, Dr Jimmy Gazi, dismissed the idea that -> the man could have developed private parts on his face, saying -> layman can mistake folds which grow on a swelling as a woman's -> private parts. -> -> "We had a similar case some years of a man who had folds on a -> swelling in the face and upon examining it, we discovered that it -> was just some folds that had developed on a cancerous tumour," said -> Gazi And there the article suddenly ended. HOORAY FOR ABRUPT ENDINGS WHEN WE REALLY NEED THEM! -- K. "Mommy, I don't like Deformo, The Bachelor Party Clown." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The early reviews of "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies" are in! Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 00:29:47 -0400 [from www.riverfronttimes.com] -> -> Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 Bob Clark. (PG) The first Baby Geniuses, -> released in 1999, was one of the most inane, humorless, ill-conceived, -> poorly acted comedies of the year. As difficult as it is to imagine, the -> sequel is even worse, earning an F to the original's D minus. I don't have a hard time imagining that #2 could be worse than #1. However, I have a hard time buying that anyone could give #1 a "D-". I'd say it was about "F---" and I'll wager the sequel is around "F--------------------------------------------------------------". #3 will be like that timesed by infinity plus double negative googolplex with diaper gravy. Those are my predictions, and I dare you to watch as many "Baby Geniuses" movies as it would take to prove me wrong. -- K. Maybe #2 has a catchphrase better than "Diaper Gravy!", such as "Diaper Gravy 2000!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cheese-related discrimination in the news Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:01:05 -0400 [from www.nj.com] -> -> Sussex family sues Boy Scouts in 'spaghetti spat' -> -> Wednesday, August 25, 2004 -> -> BY AMANDA GERUT -> Star-Ledger Staff -> -> The parents of a Vernon Boy Scout are suing the organization for -> ousting their son after he accidentally dumped an entire can of -> parmesan cheese on top of his spaghetti during a weekend campout -> in May. -> -> According to the suit, filed Aug. 23 in Newton Superior Court, -> during a three-day campout in Sandy Hook with Troop 404 in May, -> 11-year-old Robbie Kent tried to sprinkle some parmesan on his -> pasta, but the cheese had "formed a large, ball-like chunk," -> according to legal papers. I can't wait to see this suit dissolve into legal wrangling over the definition of "ball-like". For centuries, science has been able to tell when two things are the same as each other, or when they're different. But as yet there has been no progress in figuring out how to determine whether two things are like each other without actually being each other. I envision Bob McGrath being brought in as an expert witness to testify that in any group of four things, one of these things is not like the others -- one of these things just doesn't belong. Then one-fourth of the jurors have to get kicked out. -> When Robbie opened the top of the can to unglue the ball of cheese, -> it all dropped on his spaghetti. -> -> Troop Leader William O'Mealy told Robbie "not to get up until he ate -> all of the cheese," the suit alleges. -> -> The suit also alleges O'Mealy said Robbie was "wasting troop money." -> The exchange left Robbie so shaken that he refused to leave his -> tent, according to the lawsuit. So we have a case of a mean-spirited scoutmaster who brought spaghetti, canned cheese, and a collander on a campout instead of doing like God intended and making the kids eat nuts and squirrels. -> After the cheese incident, Robbie's parents, Timothy and Adahyliah -> Kent, requested a meeting with troop leaders. At the end, all three -> were kicked out of the troop, the suit said. They should definitely sue over defamation -- when you get kicked out of the Scouts, it makes everyone think you're gay. Now they'll never again be able to go to Disneyland without wearing red shirts. -> O'Mealy could not be reached for comment. The local Boy Scout -> council, Patriots' Path Council of the Boy Scouts of America, would -> not comment on the suit. The defendants had not been served with the -> lawsuit yet, said John McDermott, the Kents' lawyer. -> -> The Kents are suing the local and national Boy Scouts of America -> along with troop leaders for unspecified damages, and to be -> reinstated in the troop. -> -> McDermott said the family resorted to filing suit after they -> exhausted other remedies, including trying to work with the -> organization. He said the Boy Scouts closed ranks against them. -> -> "They circled the wagons, and hopefully the wagons are going to -> come apart soon," McDermott said. Join the Scouts, they're coming apart! -- K. I'm adding this to my list of bad things done by cheese. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A sucker born every microsecond Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:03:54 -0400 Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > Do they still give out those UNICEF containers > for kids to collect change on Halloween? I swear, > if my kid is ever given one of those, I'm going > to tell him he can keep whatever he collects, so > long as he says, "Thanks Sucker" every time a > moron puts unsolicited money in there. I don't know if they still give out those boxes. Of course, it's easy enough to make your own. Tip: The bigger the box the more money people will give you if they give you any, but the smaller the box the more likely you are to get anything from pity. So pull out a small box when you see that someone is likely to give out just a couple pennies, and the big box when you want to go for broke and try to get a dollar. Also wear a costume that has a drawing of a thermometer on the front with an arrow pointed at the top captioned "NEW KIDNEY". > I remember in Catholic school [shudder], there > was one nun hounding the kids to donate their > ice cream money to the charity-of-the-week, > all the while another nun was hawking the ice > cream liek a Good Humor truck because the parish > made a profit on it. What sort of ice cream was it? Without that context, I don't know how to feel about this story, because I don't like too many flavors of ice cream. Did the nuns serve real dairy ice cream, or was it some sort of lame ice milk concoction which compares to real ice cream the way communion wafers compare to delicious chewy warm French bread? > And we all brought in our UNICEF pennies, but > not before removing all the shiney objects like > nickles, dimes, and quarters. Here's another idea: This Halloween, dress up as a she-male, and go around collecting UNISEX money. You might not get any more cash, but a lot of people would want their photo taken with you. > Those damn nuns used to beat the crap out of > me on a regular basis. I was an enterprising > young lad -- in third grade I got caught while > selling a homemade playboy magazine (I cut > and pasted pictures from National Geographic). But... that just gives you a home-made "National Geographic" magazine. Next you'll tell me that you were able to cut up "Wired" and make it into a computer magazine. > After surviving that I could probably last a > few rounds with Mike Tyson. Eww. Your homemade porn magazine featuring you "lasting" with Mike Tyson is not something I ever want to see. I'll pay you a nickel not to show it to me. > I'll never forget the day in first grade, fall > of 1969, when a kid wore a Mets button to class. > "Go Mets!" the nun exclaimed to the whole class. > The next day I wore a green eco-button to class, > the one with the funky "E" and white lines > underneath it. I promptly got may ass kicked. > I can still feel the hair exiting my scalp. Well, yes, because ecology is Satanism, but the Mets are on God's side, because "Damn Yankees". > I decided at an early age that the human race > can go fuck itself. I'll make my own decisions, > thankyouverymuch. I used to hide notes in my > room that said "If you can read this, you're too > nosy." Like matches in a door, the notes were > disturbed. > > Indeed! Okay, we get it, it's everyone else's fault that you grew up so warped. Now be quiet and go back to your boring and dangerous assembly-line job putting the heads on 50,000 Barbie dolls a day or you won't get any cold water in your dinner oatmeal. -- K. I, on the other hand, am a free spirit, as evidenced by the way this is full of typos because I typed it while wearing sunglasses. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A sucker born every microsecond Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:05:28 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Dr. Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Baconburger.com) wrote: > > > > Those damn nuns used to beat the crap out of > > me on a regular basis. I was an enterprising > > young lad -- in third grade I got caught while > > selling a homemade playboy magazine (I cut > > and pasted pictures from National Geographic). > > Does anyone have a cure for the ouchie burnie sensation of swallowing > an entire unsweetened peppermint whole from trying to stifle laughter? Yes, but I don't know whether you'd prefer drinking a room-temperature bottle of hot sauce or one of the ones from the fridge. > Also, Dr Bahn, I presume you have liability insurance? I think a more important question is, why were you trying to stifle yourself? Are you embarassed to be caught reading alt.religion.kibology in the public library because it might lead to you meeting Don Saklad? -- K. Weren't "Ouchie" and "Bernie" the two rejected "Sesame Street" characters who were into S&M? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An article for the explaining. Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:31:39 -0400 Okay, I'm tired of explaining my articles to you people. Here's one I wrote last year, and this time I'd like you guys to explain it to me. Get started, 'cause the last person to finish explaining this to me will be shot out of a cannon into the world's largest squishy rum cake. And that's not as pleasant as it sounds. -- K. /////////////////////////// EXPLAIN THIS RE-RUN! /////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 04 Oct 2003 04:00:32 -0400 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > I've been talking to my tech-writing students this week about page > > > design, including designing for the web. It seemed appropriate to send > > > them to the WebTV version of Kibo's site > > > > Uh-oh. Paula's going to say this is child abuse, especially if you've > > renamed any of the students to Jihad McWebTV. > > Jihad McWebTV Lexus Olivetree Cathedralbazaar, author of the least-read > bestseller of all time. "The Petronius Diagram", by Jihad McWebTV Lexus Olivetree Cathedralbazaar, is truly one of the most important books to have been published over the last three years (literally -- the book was so long that it took three years to move through the world's longest printing press, which was started when the author was half-finished) so I don't understand why Jihad McWebTV Lexus Olivetree Cathedralbazaar used the pseudonym "Urkel Bloop Gnip Gnop Smello Doidy Doidy Doidy Fatburger Gunge For Everyone" instead of her real name. By the time they got to the part about the Masons cracking the Enigma cipher to discover the hidden diagram of the cryptogram of the pantograph powered by the pressure of boiling mercy vapor in 498 BC according to the author's secret new calendar system, I was on the edge of my seat, or at least it felt like it because that book made my ass hurt. However, I don't support the author's claim that Pietro Bembo was really a slutty cross-dresser named Pietro Bimbo, or that Sean Connery and Harrison Ford were Soviet submarine captains competing for the "Best Russian Accent Ever" contest to determine the fate of Ancient Mesopotamia while Agatha Christie, Geoffrey Chaucer, and a mysterious shimmery ameba shaped vaguely like Rudyard Kipling took notes on the secret burial of all those eye idols in Tell Brak and the dumping of the Antikythera Mechanism in the Mediterranean just to prevent Demi Moore from giving birth to the Devil unless she can beat the Devil's uncle at a game of hnefatafl aboard the USS Monitor and also one of those people is really Jack The Ripper, and --spoiler-- it's Agatha Christie. However, I did like that the map of Midgaard was repeated on every single page to keep me from getting confused. I looked at it every time I forgot which of Midgaard's many hollow trees was Francis Bacon's house. -- K. P.S. While I wrote this, Dennis Miller was playing with his Tinkertoys. ///////////////////////// END OF THING TO EXPLAIN! ///////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another article I dare you to explain. Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:36:37 -0400 Go ahead, I dare you to even attempt to explain the following article. I know everything about it, and about everything else too, but if you guys want it explained, you'll have to explain it to each other. Because I'm mean, as well as inexplicable. -- K. /////////////////////////// EXPLAIN THIS RE-RUN! /////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More about disgusting elementary school lunch menus from the Web. Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 00:33:54 -0400 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > The sad, sad thing is that my current employer no longer shows pics of > their food, and it's on the Intranet so you couldn't get to it anyway. > But I managed to save a few of the pics which were truly horrific, and I > will post them tomorrow if I remember, which I won't. > The thing is, this cafeteria manages to have food which tastes decent, > but *always* gives you a stomach ache. You could have their salad, or a > baked potato, or ice water, and you get a stomach ache. Fruit Loops do that. And Trix. And Skittles. And all other artificial rainbow-colored candies. I've never been able to figure out precisely which ingredient of these cereals and candies makes my stomach hurt. Does your cafeteria serve mostly blue food? > And every Friday? Tator tot casserole. Yes, it's spelled "tator". > Every Friday. > Tator. ver SATOR TOTI AREPO R EHORS TENET O ESTO OPERA T !!!!!ROTAT ROTATOR TATOR!!!!! T AREPO OWAH O TENET TAGOO R OPERA SIAM ROTAS bum ...imagine that spinning around really fast while zooming in and out as the "Batman" theme plays and you will have seen the inside of my mind. -- K. [15][14] ///////////////////////// END OF THING TO EXPLAIN! ///////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An article for the explaining. Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 13:23:42 -0400 Bill Shymanski (wtshyman@mb.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Sensible of you to assume everyone knows how to play hnefatafl, I think. > > That was one of the 97% of the references I didn't get. But I knew > Leader Kibo would be unable to restrain yet another public display of > erudition. What's an erudition? Does it hurt? Should I see my doctor if I have an erudition lasting more than two hours? The great thing about hnefatafl (spelled with or without the middle "a") is that you can make up all sorts of rules for it and it still works just as well. Unlike latrunculi, where nobody's ever been able to reconstruct a good set of rules, despite that when the Romans left Britain, they left behind a latrunculi board with the pieces still on it after the first couple of moves so we could see how the pieces moved. (The dispute is over whether you could capture a piece by pinning it against the edge of the board -- if you can, then the game is super-short because every move is a capture. If you can't, then you can never capture the pieces which start in the corners.) Latrunculi evolved into lots of other games, including (eventually) chess -- hnefatafl was a different branch of that family tree. The best thing about hnefatafl is that the two players have different goals, so there are two different strategies to learn. (One player has a king and some men, the other player has just men. The first player wants to get his king from the center of the board to freedom, while the other player wants to capture the king.) -- K. So who wants to play Trivial Pursuit with me? Or better yet, "TV Guide: The Game"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An article for the explaining. Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 13:16:27 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Petronius Diagram", by Jihad McWebTV Lexus Olivetree > > Cathedralbazaar, is truly one of the most important books to have been > > published over the last three years (literally -- the book was so long > > that it took three years to move through the world's longest printing > > press, which was started when the author was half-finished) so I don't > > understand why Jihad McWebTV Lexus Olivetree Cathedralbazaar used the > > pseudonym "Urkel Bloop Gnip Gnop Smello Doidy Doidy Doidy Fatburger > > Gunge For Everyone" instead of her real name. > > the name "Cathedralbazaar" (not your invention, I realize, but I've > always wanted to explain Matt McIrvin) refers in a vague way to "The > Cathedral and the Bazaar" by ESR. a very very important book that I still > have not read. the other parts of Ms. Cathedralbazaar's name are all > either composed of commercial product names or, in the case of "Jihad" > itself, is a hugely overhyped slogan. "Jihad" is because Paula mentioned one of the kids Mimi was swimming with was saddled with that slightly suggestive name. I had suggested "Jihad McWebTV" would be a name tantamount to child abuse. Then Matt decided to screw up that wonderful name by sticking in some words with lots of vowels. Vowels are for babies! I'm going to name my kid "Syzygy Pyx Rhythm" just so that they can go around saying "Haw haw, my name has no vowels whatsoever because we haven't yet gotten to that grade where 'y' is sometimes a vowel!" Of course, that wouldn't work in New York state, where instead of "...and sometimes 'y'" the list of vowels ends with "...and sometimes 'w', 'y', 'z', schwa, octothorp, crod, wynn, yogh, and zontar." New York prides itself on having extra vowels working part-time. > I can't help but think that the reference to the huge book that took > three years to publish on a printing press specially built just for that > book is an allusion to Wolfram's book with a name that escapes me right > now, although it was something like "My Science Is Bigger Than Yours". it > also involved some ridiculous hype about inventing new crap just to > produce the book, although I forget what they made. a new editing > technique, maybe? one that recognized that Wolfram is unable to make > editing errors? His book was called "A New Kind Of Science", 'cause remember, when you're being politically correct, you don't slam yourself by saying "I have a crackpot theory," you say "I have invented an entirely new kind of science, yay!" And then you draw the Petronius Diagram, the diagram that causes the entire Universe to collapse in a humiliating series of False Vacuums, Naked Singularities, and Venus Butterflies. But no, I wasn't thinking of "A New Kind Of Science". I may, however, have been thinking about John Dykstra's claim that he was painting one end of the big "V'Ger" model while the camera crew was filming the other end. Then he fantasized for a while about throwing it into the ocean so that it would wash up and Sid Krofft would find it and marry it and take it home to meet his pet blob of dead seaweed. > "The Petronius Diagram" itself sounds like the title of eight billion spy > thriller novels you can find in airport bookstores. The Eiger Sanction. > The Odessa Files. The Spaznach Concordance. The Hawley-Smoot Protocols. > I have never read any of these books, either, but presumably they are all > identical, in the same way all romances are identical. I mean identical > to other romances, not to spy thrillers. I was going for a certain Ludlummy rhythm with "The Petronius Diagram", which also sounds like Eco's "Foucault's Pendulum" and/or "The daVinci Code". I figre that Petronius must have had much more interesting secrets than Foucault or daVinci, 'cause after all Petronius invented all those "Three's Company" plots about 2000 years before TV. > > However, I did like that the map of Midgaard was repeated on every > > single page to keep me from getting confused. I looked at it every > > time I forgot which of Midgaard's many hollow trees was Francis > > Bacon's house. > > a hell of a lot of fantasy novels have wizards or fantasy people living > in hollow trees or quaint talking houses in the woods or burrows into > hillsides or other such places. for example, _The Hobbit_ (burrow), _The > Wind In The Willows_ (burrow), _The Circle of Light_ (hollow tree, I > think,) _Chronicles of Thomas Covenant_ (village in trees), _LotR_ (elves > living in trees in Lothlorien), _Bored of the Rings_ (ditto), _The Face > In The Frost_ (quaint house). in fact, one of the characters in _The Face > In The Frost_ is named Roger Bacon, I believe. Never heard of it. However, I will note that my favorite "Wind In The Willows" pastiche is the one Phil Dick wrote on a day when he was really, really, really cranky. That's the one which ends with the implication of a massive holocaust roasting them alive. > there's also a cool allusion -- assuming you were thinking of this -- to > the disappearance of Roanoake, since the only "clue" as to what happened > was a tree with the word CROATOAN carved in it. Eh, I was saving that one for an "In Search Of" pastiche in which Leonard Nimoy tries to figure out whether Amelia Earhart kidnaps Bigfoot from Roanoke with the help of Francis Bacon, Roger Bacon, Friar Bacon, and/or The George Foreman Bacon Friar. > Midgaard, of course, is famous for something so far unmentioned in the > other explanations: it has a big-ass tree growing out of the middle of it > named Yggdrasil. Well, yeah, what else would be big enough to hold up all the stuff in the world? > so you have > > FANTASY NOVELS -> quaint trees/burrows as houses ==> Face In The Frost > | | | > | V V > `---------> norse myth --> MIDGAARD Roger Bacon > \ | / | > `>World-Tree Virginia <-` V > ^ | Francis Bacon > | V V > tree <-- CROATOAN <-- cyphers > > all tied together by a giant cryptic novel that mentions cyphers. Okay, you've gotten a good start. Go ahead and write the novel. Remember, I get 25% of the enormous profits. -- K. Just don't get a death sentence for writing it, the way Petronius did. Save that for your bawdy Benny Hill-like romp. Nothing less is worth dying for. Well, except the invention of unbreakable glass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An article for the explaining. Date: Sat, 28 Aug 2004 14:02:15 -0400 Bill Shymanski (wtshyman@mb.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > What the heck...I'm allowed, right? Yes. > I can get about 3% of the references... Yes, and thank you for giving me an excuse to slam you regarding the other 97%. > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > //////////////////////// EXPLAIN THIS RE-RUN! //////////////////////// > > > > [concerning an imaginary best-selling techno-thriller potboiler] > > > > By the time they got to the part about the Masons cracking the Enigma > > Masons: aka Freemasons, today a club, but long thought by the excitable > to be a secret society bent on world domination. Nobody who was actually a Mason would claim they weren't bent on world domination. GET HIM!!! Also, Skull & Bones controls the Masons. > Enigma - code name given to the WW II German cipher machine Yes. "Enigma" was the machine, "Purple" was the cipher, or something like that. Also, "Enigma" is the name given to a guy who has slightly more tattoos than I do, for a very large value of "slightly". In reality, the Poles cracked the Enigma cipher, then the Germans made it harder so Alan Turing built a computer to crack it again, and then the Museum of Science chose to ignore the part about Poland doing something heroic and important. > > cipher to discover the hidden diagram of the cryptogram of the pantograph > > A pantograph is not writing on trousers - it's a linkage, such as that > used on street > cars to pick up the overhead power rail, or a gadget used to trace > drawings and > scale them up or down. Yes and yes. I imagine I was thinking of Linn Boyd-Benton's pantograph punch-cutting press (and companion "Delineator") which revolutionized the metal-typeface industry around a hundred years ago and led to this modern futuristic utopia in which we now live. The most common use of a pantograph-style linkage is to connect Bugs Bunny to a boxing glove at great distances. > > powered by the pressure of boiling mercy vapor in 498 BC according to > > Boiling mercury vapor - back in the 1950's mercury vapor boilers were > thought to be > a way of improving the efficiency of coal-fired electric power plants. > Of course, the main > drawback is that mercury is insanely toxic. The stuff was also heavy > and expensive. World > wide mercury demand, is, I'm told, actually dropping. Coal plants still > emit significant > quantities of mercury, but not because of the working fluid in the > boilers - it's a trace > contaminant in the coal itself. I did not know that. I was nailing together references to two of the ancients I'd been blabbing about -- Hero of Alexandria (one of his magic tricks was to set up a system where temple doors could be opened by lighting a fire, the secret mechanism involving gallons of deadly mercury vapor -- this was in the first century AD!) and a certain other fellow who told a cockamamie story about why he had an orange beard. All together now: "In hunc dixit Licinius Crassus orator non esse mirandum, quod aeneam barbam haberet, cui os ferreum, cor plumbeum esset." > > the author's secret new calendar system, I was on the edge of my seat, > > or at least it felt like it because that book made my ass hurt. However, > > I don't support the author's claim that Pietro Bembo was really a > > slutty cross-dresser named Pietro Bimbo, or that Sean Connery and > > Harrison Ford were Soviet submarine captains competing for the "Best > > Russian Accent Ever" contest to determine the fate of Ancient Mesopotamia > > Hmmm. Sean Connery plaid Captain Remius in the movie version of > "Hunt for Red October" - but Remius wasn't Russian, he was Estonian. Wrong, he was Romulian. Harrison Ford, of course, had the bad russian accent in the movie "Canine Teen", a submarine I was once aboard with a head injury and once aboard without. The Pietro Bembo reference combines Umberto Eco's "Foucault's Pendulum" with that old crackpot book about how Leonardo daVinci was a cross-dresser whose "Mona Lisa" was a self-portrait and the reference to Mesopotamia was a simple Agatha Christie reference (she wrote about her husband's archaeology.) Note that all this was written before "The daVinci Code" became a runaway hit (despite being an unreadably crappily-written crackpot vanity-press book) because I was parodying the general cliche' of such novels exploding big made-up historical secrets. (Umberto Eco knows how to do this right. "The daVinci Code" is written entirely in sentences more awkwardly un-sentence-like than even this one, bucko!) > > while Agatha Christie, Geoffrey Chaucer, and a mysterious shimmery > > ameba shaped vaguely like Rudyard Kipling took notes on the secret > > Agatha Christie - well known British author of murder mysteries > Geoffrey Chaucer - well known British author of "Canterbury Tales" - > died some > time before the others. > Rudyard Kipling - well known British author of "The Jungle Book" and > various poems and > stories of the British empire. The Chaucer reference is to the terrible movie "A Knight's Tale", in which Chaucer is following the unappealing main characters around taking notes for his rap poems or whatever. (Said notes were later turned over to his Queen, who sang "We Will Rock You.") The Rudyard Kipling shimmery ameba reference is to a very old movie of "Gunga Din" where he had a cameo (in which he is seen writing down what happens) but he apparently pissed off the producers so much that they attempted to airbrush him off the master negative, meaning that in one late scene there is a psychedelic shimmery blob standing next to the actors for a while. > > burial of all those eye idols in Tell Brak and the dumping of the > > Antikythera Mechanism in the Mediterranean just to prevent Demi Moore > > Antikythera Mechanism - an ancient (7th century AD? Somewhere back > there) assembly > of gears believed to be a form of calculator - remote precambrian > ancestor of > spiffy laptops we have today. The Antikythera Mechanism, some sort of ancient bronze clock, was allegedly brought up from the wreck of a Greco-Roman ship in the Mediterranean, fascinating Richard Feynman and one guy who wrote all the articles about it. I think it's bogus, as the construction techniques don't look like what Roman bronzesmiths would have used. (And even if they had, such techniques would have required so much precursory knowledge and industry that there would be plenty of documentation about the evolution of those industries.) They had the mathematics to compute astronomical positions (the device was supposedly a celestial calendar) and they made intricate mechanisms with gears, but they didn't make 'em that way, and if someone at the time did, other people at the time would have noticed and said something in between orgies. > > from giving birth to the Devil unless she can beat the Devil's uncle > > at a game of hnefatafl aboard the USS Monitor and also one of those > > USS Monitor - one of the first iron-clad steam-powered warships, in the > US Navy during the Civil War. No longer in commission. And a simultaneous "Seventh Sign"/"Seventh Seal" reference just to confuse and annoy the same movie critics who were cheesed off that there was a "Seventh Seal" reference in "The Last Action Hero". Hnefatafl was a Viking board game that was like chess except fun. > > people is really Jack The Ripper, and --spoiler-- it's Agatha Christie. There's always a time-travelling Jack The Ripper, especially if David Hasselhoff is involved. > > However, I did like that the map of Midgaard was repeated on every > > Midgaard - in Norse mythology, home of the Midgaard serpent. BZZT. That's like defining Earth as "where Pauly Shore lives." Midgaard = where all of us do stuff. Literally translated as "Middle Earth". Tolkien swiped it from "Beowulf", but in those days it did not refer to an imaginary land, but to all the parts of the Viking cosmology which weren't imaginary (as opposed to Asgard, etc.) > > single page to keep me from getting confused. I looked at it every time > > I forgot which of Midgaard's many hollow trees was Francis Bacon's house. And any novel about some grand historical conspiracy has to draw one of the two famous conspiracy-tacular Bacons into it, either the one who went to Virginia to write all of Shakespeare's plays in binary code or the one who made the sassy robot head that exploded just to freak him out. As to why he lived in a hollow tree, I don't know. Either he was a magical elf who liked to bake funny brownies, or else he was Winnie-the-Pooh and went to Harvard. (Pooh apparently lives in a tree on Harvard's main campus, there's a tree with a little sign.) > > > > -- K. > > > > P.S. While I wrote this, > > Dennis Miller was playing > > with his Tinkertoys. > > > > > > ////////////////////// END OF THING TO EXPLAIN! ////////////////////// Dennis Miller was a guy who used to be famous before terrorists blew up his brain. Tinkertoys are a toy often given to laboratory chimps in lieu of something good, like Legos, because they'd just eat the good toys. > Bill I don't know who he is. He must never have done anything worthy of me mentioning him. -- K. The mysterious "K." is better known by his real name, "Hacksaw". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Do I Look Shifty? Or Sometin' Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:42:04 -0400 The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > I certainly don't think so, I bathe regularly and everything. Try bathing in water, it's cheaper than the bacon grease you've been using. > Today, while I was at a deli in Manayunk, that I'd never been to, I was > buying a turkey sandwich and one of those new Mini-M&M M-Mazing bars, > plus a lemon Snapple Iced-t to wash it all down and would you belive > what happened? > > First the guy behind the counter takes off his belt and snaps it at a > fly that had landed on the cash register, but I didn't see the fly until > it took off and flew away, that's what they do y'know, so I naturally > assumed he was snapping his big ol' belt at me and I flinched because I > haven't been assaulted by a deli worker since the time that normally > amiable lunch lady threw a tuna fish sandwich wrapped in cellophane at > my face after I pointed and laughed at the way she wore her panty-hose > halfway up her legs like my Grandmother. Thankfully she missed, much > like counter guy with his belt, and the tuna fish sandwich remained > unflustered due to its extremely snug cellophane incasement. Was the belt brown leather or black leather? Details like this are important if you want to get this story published in a magazine where I might read it. Also, you have the weirdest way of getting free tuna fish sandwiches. Stop that. Use your powers only for good, never for tuna. -- K. The belts I wear cannot be removed from my belt loops without about half an hour's work. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv Subject: Re: Do I Look Shifty? Or Sometin' Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2004 01:28:38 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > First the guy behind the counter takes off his belt and snaps it... > > I naturally assumed he was snapping his big ol' belt at me and > > I flinched... > > He'll be laughing at that story tomorrow night over drinks with Leader > Kibo after Leader Kibo's belt-snapping class. Hey, yeah, I should teach a class in that. Because then I'd have an excuse for needing to first get really good at it. "Hey, what are you doing?" "I have to keep practicing this because tomorrow I'm teaching a class." "Okay, but can you at least move to the back of the trolley?" But as I've mentioned, most of the belts I currently wear can't be easily removed from the belt loops of my pants. (Too much hardware.) The ones which can... are covered with pyramid studs. Those belts are a little too stiff to snap like that. I'd have to double them over and swing them like rug beaters. > The deli guy will re-enact the flinch two or three times, and they > will chuckle delightedly and call you a mook. Ehh, waz wid dem fuggin Guidos dat tink we'd call a noob a mook! > Don't go back to that place. Then back to belt-whipping. I was just looking through a newspaper's gallery of photos of the backs of abused Iraqi prisoners (the ones who were abused by the new Iraqi police until the U.S. National Guardsmen told them to stop it until their commanding officer told them to let the Iraqis do whatever they wanted to each other) and some of them had obviously been whipped with the ends of leather belts, and I couldn't decide whether it was more depressing that (a) human beings are doing stuff like this to each other non-consensually, or that (b) the people who were doing it really didn't even have the brains or skill to do it well. The only thing worse than being tortured by a government- sanctioned sadist is being tortured by an inept sadist. Before we invaded Iraq, like everywhere else in the Middle East, they had a long and proud tradition of professionally-administered torture. Now, we've replaced the professional-quality torture with haphazard belt-whippings and McDonalds. Iraqis used to be as good at torturing people as 1970s Canada! Now, they're just belt-bashing bozos with their pants falling down. Apparently our attempts to civilize Iraq have merely replaced their medieval torture with Stone Age torture. I still say we oughta build a big wall around the entire Middle East and give them the silent treatment until they grow up, in about five thousand years. Currently it's a part of the world where the unit of currency is the bruise. -- K. 100 bruises = 10 scars = 1 amputation. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Side Of The Road Reports Date: Thu, 26 Aug 2004 22:46:50 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > To whom it may concern: I haven't been reporting what I've found by > the side of the road because I haven't been exercising/walking. Hooray! Please get real fat! > Why? Heat. Tons of heat. Baby. Some of us are currently wearing more layers of leather than you have layers of cooties. > And mind blowing drugs. Big baby. Drugs run away screaming from my steel-reinforced mind. > Anywho, I managed to take a walk today and found nothing too exciting. > Just an old ZZZZZZZ > pack of GPC cigs and tons of loose ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ > fence bits that would have been turned into flying missiles if a > hurricane had come along. Z. -- K. Wake me when you find a "Canadian Tire" beachball which smells like a skunk. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: G O D Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2004 01:43:49 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > For GOD's sake, God isn't going to kill you if you spell out his name. > > G O D. Why do people spell it with blanks? Does God grep? > > There's an old Jewish tradition, mostly among the Orthodox, that one > does not spell out the name of G_d except in the Torah or prayer books. > In a letter or newspaper, something that might be eventually discarded, > one uses the Wheel of Fortune version: G_d. I think in Israel it's "Dreidel of Fortune". And every episode opens with Alan Thicke singing the dreidel song. > Oh, and God doesn't grep. God *is* grep. Then who is "kill -9"? > k., the best thing about being Jewish is having a cool looking penis. The best thing about being Jewish is being smug about not knowing that most American gentiles are circumcised, too. And because most men are circumcised, they're fascinated by the sight of an uncut penis, which makes those cool through rarity as opposed to the others which are cool through stylish sculpting. Currently about 60% of newborn American boys are cicumcised, the number's been going down as we gradually lose faith in the Victorian belief that it would keep boys from masturbating if they wouldn't have to spend as much time cleaning it. -- K. A 1997 study claimed, "circumcised men were 40 percent more likely than non-circumcised men to masturbate at least once a month." Either that or uncircumcised men are 40% more likely to be liars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: G O D Date: Sat, 28 Aug 2004 15:01:48 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > > > Yeah, because everyone knows that circumcised men don't enjoy sex. > > > > They think they do but they don't really. > > Even now the technology does not exist to perform an objective comparison. > > Other than letting some guy have sex before and after the SNIP. > > Of course, the excruciating pain afterwards tends to skew the results > in a way that's hard to calibrate. Anecdotal evidence from people who were circumcised as adults suggests that there is indeed a loss of some sensation, which is understandable given how nerve-heavy the parts that get removed and replaced by scar tissue are. The real reason circumcision became part of American culture during the Victorian era was that it was believed it would keep boys from masturbating, because masturbation makes you crazy. But returning to the oft-cited recent study which claims circumcised men are 40% more likely than uncircumcised men to masturbate at least once a month. (And, as I said, the main implication of that is that being uncircumcised makes people big liars.) Other studies claim the opposite. Do you think there's _any_ reason to suppose that _anything_ will make men less likely to masturbate? (As Jerry Seinfeld said, "We have to do it! It's part of our lifestyle!") I figure that the loss of sensation doesn't make men not want to have sex, it just makes them take longer. It's not "better" or "worse", just different. Everyone gets where they're going. Of course, most of the information regarding the interaction between circumcision and masturbation is from anti-circumcision advocacy sites, so of course they're likely to claim that either (a) circumcision makes masturbation less fun or (b) circumcision turns people into evil habitual masturbators, depending on whether the site also advocates masturbation. One of the studies from the "circumcision makes men 40% less likely to be unable to go a month without masturbating" people makes the absurd claim, "The glans, by contrast, is insensitive to light touch, heat, cold and as far as the authors are aware, to pin-prick." Extraordinary claims require extraordinarily painful proof... Bring me the authors and hand me the fucking hat pin. -- K. A proper test would involve circumcising only one side of a baby's penis, then raising him in sensory deprivation until he's 21, then making him have sex with two women, each of whom has only one side of a vagina, and then asking him which was more enjoyable, Miss Lefty or Miss Righty. Since that'll never happen, let's just stab some bozos with hat pins. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: circumcision (was: G Hyphen D) Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 05:23:41 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > One of the studies from the "circumcision makes men 40% less likely > > to be unable to go a month without masturbating" people makes the > > absurd claim, "The glans, by contrast, is insensitive to light touch, > > heat, cold and as far as the authors are aware, to pin-prick." > > I really think that verification of these results needs federal funding. > > The costs would be reasonable. The tools are low-cost. Pliers, > blowtorch, dry ice, BMF hatpin. Every time I read that, I think it says "IMF hatpin" and then I imagine Peter Graves torturing Jon Voight to death to prevent "Baby Geniuses 3". Oh, and follow Cameron Diaz's example and ditch the dry ice, just go buy a can of Freon spray. > > Extraordinary claims require extraordinarily painful proof... > > Bring me the authors and hand me the fucking hat pin. > > You're starting to sound like John Salt. And I'm starting to look like John Galt. So presumably I'm also John Halt, John Ialt, John Jalt, John Kalt, John Lalt, John Malt, John Nalt, John Oalt, John Palt, John Qalt, and John Ralt. And collectively, all of us try to cross the street in front of Cheers(R) on Beacon Hill, but a friendly guy dressed like an old-timey policeman leads us a couple miles to the west so that we can cross the street into the Ramrod instead. Then we spray John Aalt through John Falt and John Talt through John Zalt with Freon until they shatter, then Peter Graves points and laughs. -- K. "What did Cameron Diaz say to the naked man?" "PSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something I see everyday in Idaho. Date: Sat, 28 Aug 2004 02:46:00 -0400 crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > OK, so I have to drive to Idaho on a daily basis and everyday there's this > pick-up truck with a big decal in its rear-view mirror of three pyramids > with laser beams or some sort of beam-type emanation shooting out of their > mid-pyramid bits and just below that... the tetragrammaton in Hebrew. Not > sure I want it explained. Whatever you do, don't look at it, especially if you're carrying the Ark of the Covenant, had cataract surgery, are pregnant, or could get pregnant. Also, are you sure this was a pickup truck and not the Battlestar Galactica? -- K. How big a rear-view mirror is this? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Sat, 28 Aug 2004 14:07:40 -0400 J.D.F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Can you believe they made an "Exorcist" sequel with a synchronized > hypnosis machine in it? What if they made a "Dirty Harry" sequel with > a synchronized hypnosis machine in it? > > (I think it would go ...) It's not going anywhere unless they cast me, because I've already called all-time dibs on being The New Dirty Harry With Synchronized Hynosis And/Or Syncopated Syncope. And if for some reason I am unavailable due to having a date the weekend they film the entire movie, they can cast David Rasche. But other than that, that movie cannot be made, because only I have the power to say who can be an "Exorcist"-inspired "Dirty Harry". Oh, and in my remake of "The French Connection", Roy Scheider is played by a Cabbage Patch doll caked in instant chocolate pudding, and he uses a super-submarine to blow up France. -- K. Also, in my "Serpico", Al Pacino infiltrates leather bars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 13:36:08 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] If there was such a thing as a reverse > killfile, I'd be happy to set it up so that you never > had to see any of my posts again. Do you need instructions? Can I use English or does it have to be in IKEA language? -- K. Tell Bill Todson I said hello. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 14:05:23 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > [addressing someone or something] > > Let me see... is it probable that you don't understand trolling? > Maybe? A little bit? A WHOLE LOT? Don't feel sad, it's a common > problem these days, what with people's "LOL I DRAGGED ANOTHER FLAMING > YAMMERING KOOK INTO THE NEWSGROUP LOL" and "OMG MY SECOND COUSIN'S DOG > IS DYING :(((( PLEASE SEND WARM FUZZIES", why, it's enough to turn > Kibo into a Lyndon LaRouche supporter. Hey, I always vote for the candidate who would lead to the funniest news stories if elected. Since Perot's not running this year, it's a toss-up between Ralph Nader and Lyndon LaRouche. News stories should have more stuff about crazy people who want to screw up the whole country sheerly from the crazy craziness of their craziosity. > > Really, my life was more pleasant back when you had > > me plonked, and the sooner you do so again, the happier > > we'll both be. > > Uhhh, when did i killfile you? You got some weird-ass persecution > complex, dummy. > > Naturally, now i won't killfile you. SEE YA, SUCKA! You should killfile me just to spite him. -- K. I swear the first time I read it, it said "weird-ass punctuation complex"...?!?!?!?!?!?!? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 23:59:55 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "weird-ass punctuation > > complex"...?!?!?!?!?!?!? > > Hop to it, Interrobang Cartel songsters. > > And I mean NOW. Hey, who took my whip? Oh, hi, Terri. I think Interrobang Cartel should also do a song for "weird ass-punctuation complex" which would consist entirely of weeeeeird noises so weeeeeEEEeeeEEEeeird that nobody will ever realize they're all farts. So, we need a volunteer to drink some durian milkshakes. Now hop to it. Or Terri will bite off your other foot. -- K. Terri, I like it when you're in this mood. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Tue, 31 Aug 2004 14:35:14 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now hop to it. Or Terri will bite off your other foot. > > > > -- K. > > > > Terri, I like it when you're in this mood. > > Wait, are you trying to use reverse psychology on me? Why, are you sitting on my couch backwards? And shouldn't you be deciding whose remaining foot to bite off instead of wasting your time talking to a two-footed person like me? I hardly qualify for your amputee fetish, though I do sometimes clip off a hangnail. -- K. I want to be a professional Reverse Psychologist. I'd charge people unless they came to see me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A synchronized hypnosis machine Date: Tue, 31 Aug 2004 02:23:11 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] WURTZL! New improved Kontext-Away With Double The Nuggets gently peels away all context, then beats it with a shovel until it vanishes forever! > I've fixed your creepiness for you. ZYZZYBALUBAH! Kontext-Away curls up for a long winter's nap! David, you may have fixed whats-their-name's creepiness, but if you try to fix mine, I'll bite you. I'm happy to be creepy. Although a very respectable woman did call me "not creepy" a while ago, I am proud to be creepier than you. -- K. "You got your Crispy Critters in my Creepy Crawlers!" "No, you got your Creepy Crawlers in my Crispy Critters!" "Ha-ha-ha, kids, you're both right! Now give me those and go brush your teeth while I eat your delicious new Crispy Crawlers with Creepy Critters! From the makers of Kontext-Away With Atomic Stripping Action!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vatican Pr0n Date: Sat, 28 Aug 2004 14:14:00 -0400 Maxim Projet (maxim_projet@yahoo.com.au) wrote: > > According to the Vatican's Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis (2004) a > pornographic film is "pellicula cinematographica obscena". > > Please adjust your collective Indices. That's a porno film, but what about a porno movie, a porno motion picture, and a porno movie experience? Since those are all separate terms in English to denote how overhyped the movie is, they should have separate Latin names. We need a Linnean taxonomy of skin flicks. Also, they should do it in real Latin, not the silly-sounding kind the Pope speaks. And the Fellini film of Petronius's "Satyricon" should have _something_ to do with the book instead of just being Fellini wanking. (Fellini didn't make movies, he made motion picture experiences.) Can't we get Julie Taymor to do a proper "Satyricon"? -- K. And how come there's a Latin version of "Green Eggs and Ham" but no Latin "The Monster at the End of This Book"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: GLIMPSES OF A MYSTERY Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 13:36:41 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > christusrex_inc@hotmail.com (1rCjupb@pxmpc3GIhh.com) wrote: > > > > Once Paramahamsa Ramakrishna asked his disciple Narendra, > > "If you are a bee and Saccidananda (the ocean of infinite bliss) > > is a pot full of honey placed in front of you, what would you do?" > > Okaaay; bee koans from christusrex_inc? We can deal with this origamified > paradigm, here at Muppet Labs, yesss we can... No-Sided Professor Bunsen Honeydew a scientific romance by Martin Gardner filmed in Muppavision [story story story story story] and then the sock puppet got turned inside out. THE END. > > [...] > > > > When the rush of ideas takes place, I become irrelevant. > > Yes, He has told us about this phenomenon (doo doo, du du du) and the > accompanying glossolalia. That was the episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" that Paramount considered never airing, in which everyone on the ship slowly went insane because Tuvok kept singing that song. Then Neelix baked a birthday cake and Janeway's hair moved. > > [...] > > > > Microvita are subtle, subatomic entities which are the smallest > > emanations of the Cosmic Faculty. > > GENIUS! He's got to be a bigger, more supery super-genius than Archimedes Plutonium because his cosmic intelligences are even smaller than atoms. -- K. Does the Cosmic Faculty have a Cosmic Teacher's Lounge? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: GLIMPSES OF A MYSTERY Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 13:41:28 -0400 Ben Heaton (bh003m@mail.rochester.edu) wrote: > > christusrex_inc@hotmail.com (1rCjupb@pxmpc3GIhh.com) wrote: > > > > Once Paramahamsa Ramakrishna asked his disciple Narendra, > > "If you are a bee and Saccidananda (the ocean of infinite bliss) > > is a pot full of honey placed in front of you, what would you do?" > > > > Narendra, who was always considered brilliant, replied, "I would > > carefully sit at the edge and slowly sip it." > > > > The Master laughed merrily and said, "You fool - you won't drown > > by jumping into it; rather it will make you immortal!" > > Man, I hate it when people play that trick on me. I fall for it > every time. He said "immortal", not "immoral", wetzo. Also, I remember getting stuck on that level of "Rune" for quite a while before I realized I needed to jump in the "Ghostbusters II" river that would change me from a regular Viking into something almost as cool as a Space Viking. After that point I turned on the cheat codes, because I realized that if the game wasn't going to let me be a Space Viking then it was never going to be as cool as reality. -- K. Also, check which type of honeypot this guy wants you to gunge yourself in. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: GLIMPSES OF A MYSTERY Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 01:54:23 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > christusrex_inc@hotmail.com (1rCjupb@pxmpc3GIhh.com) wrote: > > > > Once Paramahamsa Ramakrishna asked his disciple Narendra, > > "If you are a bee and Saccidananda (the ocean of infinite bliss) > > is a pot full of honey placed in front of you, what would you do?" > > Once Harvey Firestein asked Lee Iacocca, "If I were a bee, > and you were a gay bee, would you be my Valentine? I JUST > WANNA BE LOVED, IS THAT SO WROOOOONG?" By the way, if I suddenly start talking like Harvey Fierstein when you're around, you should lock yourself in the basement and dial the first digit and a half of 9-1-1 because it means I'm in one of THOSE moods. I wonder if, after Jon Lovitz talks like Harvey Fierstein for a while, he has to go make some'un squeal like a squeak toy. Also, I thought Lee Iacocca _was_ gay. I mean, he has a girl's first name. -- K. Will someone please explain to the spammer that bees don't eat honey and poop flowers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Insane Dream I Had Date: Sun, 29 Aug 2004 13:55:56 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I had a dream that there was some sort of floating amusement park > th