From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is there a word for this? Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 22:02:58 -0400 wilson (awilson42@gmail.com) wrote: > > It's the "bellydropping" sensation. The feeling you get when you're > either on a rollercoaster, or falling, or accelerating down a hill. > Sometimes with anxiety or excitement. Usually anticipatory anxiety > when you don't know what's next. > > It's not a stomachache, not nausea. Is there a WORD for it? The actual > physical sensation itself - not the psychological aspects. Just the > stomach sensation. What about the one where you're in love with someone who isn't in love with you, and when you think about them it feels like someone stitched all your internal organs to your sternum and laced them all up real tight? I don't care whether there's a word for that, I just wanted to point out that it sucks more than yours. -- K. I win! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is there a word for this? Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 22:21:55 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > as an aside, I have this odd terror that all sorts of common expressions > > are going out of fashion, and pretty soon I will have to start dressing > > like a dandy. > > As long as you don't go the foppish route there isn't anything inherently > wrong with being a dandy. Why the plumes on the hats aren't even required > any more, they're strictly optional. However, the pocketwatch on a long > chain and the bowler _are_ required attire. Why not do like all the people at the cool table here and join a clique that copies their style from a movie made about fifty years ago? The Fifties yield a lot of good choices -- Brando in "The Wild One", Robby in "Forbidden Planet", Philip J. Fry in "Rebel Without A Cause", the rollerskating conjoined Hasidim in "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T", Jack Webb creepily attempting to act casual in "Sunset Boulevard", or even the glow-in-the-dark Stay-Put lipstick poster in "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?" Just be careful that if you do join a cadre of "Forbidden Planet" fetishists and hang around in "Forbidden Planet" bars, be sure only to associate with people dressed as spaceship captain Leslie Nielsen from "Forbidden Planet", not spaceship captain Leslie Nielsen from the "Tales Of Tomorrow" episode "Appointment On Mars" or he might take you into the back room and strangle you without it even being in the script. -- K. What would be a good name for a "Forbidden Planet" bar? I vote for "The Klystron", though if they served cheap food and banned homosexuals they could be "The Heterodyner". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is there a word for this? Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 22:29:39 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] pretty soon I will have to start dressing like a dandy. > > > > [...] the pocketwatch on a long chain and the bowler _are_ > > required attire. > > oh, well, the bowler is absolutely required, and it will have a razor edge > so I can decapitate people by frisbeeing it at them. the pocketwatch will > eject shuriken when I whirl it by the chain over my head, and I will also > have an umbrella with five incredible functions: > > 1. write invisible messages with lemon juice, > 2. spray sleeping gas in people's faces, > 3. eject a pointy point so I can use it as a sword, > 4. deflect raindrops, > 5. inflate with helium and carry me to safety and/or > my next babysitting assignment. You can't get all five in one umbrella. The first two require a cartoony magenta umbrella, the last requires a black umbrella, and don't forget to get a multi-colored umbrella to defend yourself against killer weather balloons. Oh, and you also need one with a fluorescent light tube running along the handle so that you can see Harrison Ford shooting that woman in the clear raincoat who doesn't look anything like her stunt double. > now, I just need a bombshell widow woman trained in kung fu gymnastics > and a Lotus Seven S II and I'm all set. I suggest you not think about "The Avengers" and "The Prisoner" too much or you might grow up weird. -- K. So why am I even talking to you if you're not yet weird like me? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Six Ay Em Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 22:35:08 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > For a split second, after feeding my cats and before opening ARK to see > what my funny invisible friends had to say over night, I had an authentic > optimistic, wholesome, non-cynical, non-sarcastic thought. It was "ah, a > new day, full of new opportunities, where ANYTHING can happen! It's great > to BE ALIVE!!" > > I'll probably get hit by an SUV today. Well, the Universe has to do something to keep you from having another one of those thoughts. People who have wholesome thoughts should be shot! Or at least be given a gift certificate from the masturbation store. -- K. What, me cynical? Just because I'm in a worse mood today than if Joan Crawford found all her daughter's clothes Krazy-Glued to a length of rusty barbed wire? Also, it won't be an SUV, it'll be Undead Bob Hope driving a golf cart, with Satan as his caddy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cracktorch pr0n Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 22:56:06 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Every morning for the last few months, while paying for my coffee > and newspapers at a convenience store near my office, I would notice > a cigarette lighter in a plexiglas display case by the cash register. > What made this lighter worthy of my attention was the photograph that > was embedded in the case: a man and a woman, faces close, tongues > extended. > > Every morning, I would look at this lighter and think "Who the fuck > designed this glorious bit of bad taste?". Then I would briefly > consider buying this item, but I'd always decide not to do so. > > Last week, someone bought it. The lighter disappeared from my daily > ritual, and I was suddenly filled with regret. "I should have bought > it," I scolded myself. "From now on, my motto is 'Carpe Zippo', or > 'Seize the Lighter' as the ancient Romans were fond of saying". > > Well, what should happen last week? The lighter re-appeared! What I > had thought was a uniquely grotesque item is actually being churned out > by the thousands somewhere in China. Needless to say, I shelled out > the $4.99. > > It gets better: when you press the button that lights the flame, their > faces move closer together. When their tongues touch, the flame lights. > > Just like lurve! > > Even better: there's a bead of copper suspended across the gas jet, > making the flame glow an eerie shade of green [...] Mmm, copper. Here's my copper lighter story: I don't smoke, but I recently decided I wanted a nice cigarette lighter around for use on candles, blowtorches, etc., and not a cheap disposable plastic lighter. But it wasn't a big enough priority for me to actually shop for one or buy one, though I did want one. Then, late one evening two weeks ago, I was walking my date out to their car in a nearby parking lot, and they spotted a lighter on the ground, didn't want it, and gave it to me. It's a brand-new genuine '03 model Zippo -- never even filled or fired, since the wick is still virginal -- with a solid copper case. I've never before seen a copper Zippo. Now, as some local historical re-enactors know, copper is half of my favorite metal (bronze) so I thought this beautiful reddish-brown metal lighter was perfect. I don't even know how to fill one of these. I figured out that I could lift the mechanism out of the case and there's a felt pad at the bottom held down by a screw at one end, and "LIFT TO FILL" printed on the felt. I tried lifting it, but no magical pixies made any fluid appear inside the lighter. Do you think that after I lift the felt I need to do an extra step like buying some lighter fluid? > Despite the execution, there's something about this lighter that > reminds me of those novelty pens that were popular when I was a kid, > the kind that had a hula-dancer inside the plastic barrel. Invert the > pen and her grass skirt disappears. Hubba hubba. I had the one that had King Kong sliding up or down the Empire State Building. It was better than yours because he was naked all the time. > Anyway, I bought this lighter just to impress my invisible friends here > at the cool table. And light my crack pipe. We're impressed, and not just by your massive crack consumption. -- K. Remove "consumption" from sentence manually to conserve Kontext-Away. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cracktorch pr0n Date: Wed, 08 Sep 2004 23:05:01 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] as some local historical re-enactors know, copper is half > > of my favorite metal (bronze) > > I'm going to have to stop you there. Bronze is not a metal. > A metal is a pure element; bronze is an alloy. Dude, by your silly made-up definition, _everything_ is an alloy. "Copper" things have about half a percent silver. Your kitchen's "aluminum" foil is two percent manganese. And that "gold" watch you're wearing? Painted plastic. I know the gumball machine didn't say so, but trust me, I know fake bling when I imagine you wearing it. > Please continue. No. -- K. It's too bad you're such a lousy dresser, but I think I could still use you as an ottoman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cracktorch pr0n Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 05:38:37 -0400 "Don Salad" (caesar@ai.miskatonic.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > shop for one or buy one, though I did want one. Then, late one evening > > two weeks ago, I was walking my date out to their car in a nearby > > parking lot, and they spotted a lighter on the ground, didn't want > ^^^^ > How many people do you date at one time? You really don't want me to answer that. Here, go back in time a few days and read this: -> From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) -> Subject: AUGH! -> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology -> Date: Thu, 02 Sep 2004 01:42:21 -0400 -> -> I NEED A FUCKING SOCIAL SECRETARY!!! So you see, I had to dress up like an Arab sheik in order to take my 28 dates to the same restaurant at the same time. Also to get them into the apartment, I had to fool the landlord into thinking I was gay. -- K. Then we all got drunk on Vitameatavegamin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Chili quarter pounder Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 23:16:30 -0400 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > I am not one who visits the Golden Arches very often. Maybe once a month > at most, and then only when there's nothing else nearby. But the recent > advertisements fot the chili quarter pounder got my interest as I quite > like chili. Then you should be glad you don't live in the United States, where McDonalds doesn't even have a Chili Quarter Pounder (or if they do, it's only in parts of the country that aren't around here.) You see, Americans have no access to Mexican food. Also they have the food preferences of toddlers all their life. All American fast food is just baby food that was stuck back together after it was mushed up. > The way the burger is advertised is that it's HOT. So HOT that you have > to take huge gulps of brown fizzo in between each bits. So HOT that it > makes your eyes water. So HOT that it makes hawt chyx0rz cry. I know not of this "Brown Fizzo" of which you speak, but I assume it's like Bromo Selzter mixed with Coke. > So last night I decided that I couldn't be bothered making real food and > stopped off at the local on my way home to try one. I sat down and took > a bite. > > Then took another bite. > > And another. > > And so on until the burger was all gone. > > No burning sensation. No fumbling for the cup of brown fizzo to put out > the fire. No watering eyes. Nothing. Welcome to my world! Soon you'll be taking your own bottle of hot sauce along to the finest bland restaurants. And eventually you'll discover that you and that hot chick who teaches you how to use electrodes are fans of the same super-hot Thai restaurant in an obscure little strip mall over an hour away, halfway to the state line, and you'll wonder how people like you have a sense that lets you all zero in on the best hot restaurant in the whole state without having to try all 50,000 of the lame ones. > Sure it tasted like chili, but it was weak. The actors in the ad are > weak! If that makes them cry, I'd hate to think what REAL chili would do > to them! I always get the hot and sour soup at this restaurant. They let you specify zero to three for the degree of heat of any dish. Two is very hot by any rational standard, but a good level for me to enjoy. Three is just slightly more than I can handle, and a bowl of soup on three will make me happily hallucinate. Last time, by the time I got to the deep- fried banana with coconut ice cream and raspberry rum sauce dessert, I was really high, and getting off on looking at this really bright green truck parked outside -- the green was jumping off it and shimmering -- so this made the banana dessert taste like a trip through a banana mountain aboard a yellow submarine in outer space with a talking dolphin and a trillion dancing bears of "YUM!" > Dear Mr McDonald, please use chili sauce which is actually hot. Speaking of which, here is a review I improvised while tasting such a few days ago. I'm so glad I get my packages mailed to my office, which is where I need my food real spicy. ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- Melinda's XXXtra Hot Sauce Melinda's makes "Hot", "Extra Hot", "XXXtra Hot", and "XXXXtra Hot Reserve" habanero sauces -- this is the second hottest of the four. And an anonymous correspondent -- let's call them "Terri" -- was kind enough to send me a bottle. Of the habanero-based sauces I've tried, this is one of the better ones. It's thick and chunky (which would make it inappropriate for those who just want to add a little heat to their food, because the peppers are in discrete bits) and it contains far less vinegar than most brands. (Carrot puree is used as the filler.) The flavor is basically just habanero -- the low vinegar content makes it possible to taste the pepper flavor as well as the somewhat intense heat. There are sauces far hotter than this (because most makers of very hot sauces add capsaicin extract) but this one's a real pepper sauce, made from pepper bits and not pepper extract. It's strong enough that I would be reluctant to eat even a teaspoon of it straight (but I could see that happening sometime soon -- there are other sauces where that would lead to physical damage, but this one's not lethal, just very spicy.) I did put about one teapsoon of it in my cup of cream of mushroom soup and smeared another teaspoon on an egg bagel today (spicy lunches are the only way I can survive at the office.) I give this sauce a strong recommendation, if you're looking for a non-fake hot sauce that's probably strong enough for you. But, like I said, it is chunky, so don't expect to be able to stir one drop of this into your chili and have it mix uniformly. Based on the quantities I've been using, I'd estimate it's about ten times the strength of Frank's (which would make it about 7500 Scoville. That's much weaker than a straight habanero pepper, but in a very good range for me.) It's a good way to add a lot of heat and pepper taste without all the vinegar weaker sauces add. It works best on things like bagels, because it's thick enough to be a good spread, and it's hot enough that something doughy like bread is needed if you want to eat as much of the sauce as possible. Okay, you guys talked me into it, I'll eat a spoonful of it straight. But not here at the office. I'll take it along next time I meet a fellow sauce pig who can properly supervise me. Probably in a week or so. Dammit, I can't wait. I'm going to try it now here at the office. All right, I just did a teaspoon of the stuff -- I cheated and did it in two slurps -- and it's now very hard to type this. I'm not crying, but all my muscles are clenched and shaking and everything looks all wiggly. This stuff has a damn fine flavor in addition to the good level of heat. Oh, and I'm not eating the bagel. I'm having fun just experiencing the lingering burn. Much of my tongue has gone numb except for the burning sensation. It'll be an hour or two before I can taste anything again... The one teaspoon got me quite relaxed. Two would make me pretty drunk, and three would have me on the floor unconscious. ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- -- K. I killed about a quarter of the bottle the first day, and it did not kill even a quarter of me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Chili quarter pounder Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 20:59:41 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Welcome to my world! Soon you'll be taking your own bottle of hot sauce > > along to the finest bland restaurants. And eventually you'll discover > > that you and that hot chick who teaches you how to use electrodes are > > fans of the same super-hot Thai restaurant in an obscure little strip mall > > over an hour away, halfway to the state line, and you'll wonder how people > > like you have a sense that lets you all zero in on the best hot restaurant > > in the whole state without having to try all 50,000 of the lame ones. > > One theory: You were both dropped on your heads at the same angle. > > Now, we just need some babies so we can test this theory. That's sadistic. So how often do you go to that restaurant? Also, where should I put these electrodes? And did you choose the restaurant for its proximity to the State Prison For The Criminally Insane? -- K. Isn't "Chatta Box" too dopey a name for the best restaurant in the state? It's hard to say with a straight face, "Let's go to the Chatta Box on the way home from the Titicut Follies!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Chili quarter pounder Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 04:45:23 -0400 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know not of this "Brown Fizzo" of which you speak, but I assume it's > > like Bromo Selzter mixed with Coke. > > Brown Fizzo is a famous brand of sticky, brown fizzy drink. In other words, like Pepsi mixed with Coke. Except with a name chosen by "Monty Python's Flying Circus". > I picked up the term when working for a certain Austrian media > organisation which isn't allowed to mention brand names. What about Brand X? Can they mention it, or do they have to call it by its secret identity, Brand Schwa? > In this case, it's the "red" brown fizzo rather than the "blue" > brown fizzo. Not to be confused with orange fizzo. I AM ALREADY CONFUSED BY YOUR EVIL AUSTRALIAN FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS THAT MAKE YOU GO DOWNWARDS INSTEAD OF UPWARDS BECAUSE WITH THE BACKWARDS GRAVITY DOWN THERE YOU HAVE TO DRINK THEM WITH YOUR BUTT! > > [...] > > > > Welcome to my world! Soon you'll be taking your own bottle of hot sauce > > along to the finest bland restaurants. > > Or any restaurant in England. Or on dates with blind masochists. SURPRISE!!! -- K. Remember the episode where Fry and Leela and Bender went to the Brown Fizzo factory and found it being manufactured by a Hugh Janus? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: Chili quarter pounder Date: Wed, 08 Sep 2004 00:29:54 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Or on dates with blind masochists. SURPRISE!!! > > Haven't seen the DareDevil movie yet, have you? Seen it? I don't need to _see_ it. I play by sense of smell. -- K. I own the black leather version of Elton's boots from that scene. When I'm 6' 8" from boots to cap it attracts guys on autocruise like pinball attracts nerds. I wish pinball still existed... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Random explanation time! Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 13:23:49 -0400 Hey! I just found this file I wrote last week and had forgotten about. It's a gloss for three articles from this spring's discussion of how I wondered if the psychiatrist across the hall from my office might be a professional sadist because their walls were painted horrible, evil colors. -- K. Of course, professional sadists don't really use that particular color scheme. Usually they have wallpaper that has smiling teeth brushing themselves. ///////////// EXPLANATION AHOY! (1 of 3) /////////////////////////////// > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. (You are here to suffer.) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 09 Mar 2004 23:25:55 -0500 > > Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I mean, why else would I confine myself with lots of > > > painfully bozotic people in a place called alt.religion.kibology? > > > > Because we're the only people who'll talk to the leather-bound freak. > > Well, if you don't like my new look, I'll go back to dressing like > a hockey player so that I won't look like a violent person. > > Hey, did you see that hockey player break the other guy's neck last night > in Vancouver? Ouch. I've forgotten the names of the players involved, but I recall this was an incident where a guy punched someone in the side of the head for no reason other than to just hurt him. Sadly, sometimes hockey players do bad things. > > > And I'm not a machine. Stop putting batteries in my locker! > > > I AM NOT A ROBOT! > > > > And I imagine Kibo shouting I AM NOT A ROBOT! and then opening his chest > > panel to turn down the volume a bit, followed by him whispering "they > > suspect nothing." After he reads this, though, he'll program himself > > into a killing spree. > > I am on a completely un-emotional spree. "Emotional spree" is a catchphrase every Emerson college student learns at the end of the year when teacher-evaluation forms are filled out. The questionnaire says something like this: "Please avoid zap answers (answering the question without reading it) or emotional sprees (whether of the fan club or hate mail variety)." You can spot an Emerson student by saying either "emotional sprees" or "Nancy, hand the man the dandy candy!" in conversation with them. If they crack up, they went to Emerson. If they back away slowly, they're normal and don't have a degree in something like sitcom writing. "I AM NOT A ROBOT!" is from an episode of "The Ben Stiller Show" in which Bob Odenkirk is dressed as one of my people. > The human race is inefficient and must be destroyed. From the "attract mode" of the old arcade game "Robotron 2084". That shows up in both the version where the Quarks are called "Quarks" as well as the one where the Quarks are mistakenly called "Cubeoids". > CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! The character "IDAK" ("Instant Destroyer And Killer", "an indestructible super android") from "Lost In Space". > EXTERMINATE! Daleks from "Doctor Who". > THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY IS NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! "Rollerball" (the classic movie, not the terrible remake.) > SIR I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE OTHER BATTLESTAR! Spoken by a Cylon during the cliff-hanger at the end of "The Living Legend: Part 1", in which Lloyd Bridges saves the Battlestar Galactica. > Excuse me, for a moment I forgot to pretend to be a human. > SUSPECT NOTHING OR BE DESTROYED! I made that up, but it was undoubtedly influenced by an old cartoon I once saw in a magazine (possibly National Lampoon) of a Martian hitch-hiking while holding a sign saying "DO NOT SUSPECT I AM NOT A HUMAN." I still don't find that funny. > PUNY EARTH MASSES OF ORGANIC TISSUE WITH A PRIMITIVE CARBON-BASED > LIFESTYLE! Assorted sci-fi argot nailed together into a "Star Trek" cadence (think of "carbon units infesting Enterprise" from the first movie, or "ugly bags of mostly water" from "The Next Generation". > ACCEPT MY WORD THAT I AM ONE OF YOU PATHETIC LIFE-FORMS OR BE > CRUSHED BETWEEN MY BRAIN GEARS! I have no idea how I invented "brain gears". Maybe my brain was jammed that day. > -- K. > > DO NOT PUSH MY BUTTONS > OR I WILL SIMULATE > EVEN MORE EMOTIONS! Every episode of Sid & Marty Krofft's "The Lost Saucer" ended with Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors chasing each other around in circles in fast-motion with this dialogue: "DON'T YOU PUSH MY BUTTONS!" "WAY-ULL, GAW-LEE!" "DON'T YOU PUSH MY BUTTONS!" "SHAY-ZAM, SHAY-ZAM!" (continues for another 23 minutes, while Ruth and Jim are not funny) Oh, and a biography of the Krofft brothers once claimed that one of those two stars bitched about receiving a script where one of the scenes simply read "RUTH AND JIM ARE FUNNY." I don't know which episode that was in, though. They were supposed to be robots, though their costumes would not have passed muster on first-season "Doctor Who". ///////////// EXPLANATION AHOY! (2 of 3) /////////////////////////////// > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: From the shadows emerged a lurker > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 00:46:41 -0500 > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [request for David to be mean] > > > > Because I have to say I'm fairly sure Harlan does this better than me. > > Yeah, but whenver he spanks someone he always stomps a dirty word > into their neatly-vacuumed white carpet and leaves them tied to the > bed when he goes off to steal ideas from "The Terminator" for some > "Outer Limits" episodes he's writing. > > -- K. > > "Run! It's Harlan Ellison with a whip! > This is scarier than that time Ray Bradbury > crushed my house with his steamroller!" The story about Harlan Ellison having the bondage encounter where he tied the naked woman to the bed and then stomped the word "FUCK!" into her white carpet and left her to be found by her mother -- told in his "Stalking The Nightmare" -- if true, makes him a truly evil person whose kink is not okay. He sued James Cameron over a remark Cameron once made that "The Terminator" was inspired by a couple of old "Outer Limits" episodes (presumably Harlan Ellison's "Soldier" and "Demon With A Glass Hand") and some versions of "The Terminator" have, as a result, an extra credit for Harlan Ellison added after release, not quite matching the typography of the others. Ray Bradbury doesn't drive or fly. So the idea of him getting his hands on a steamroller is real freaky, man. Plus, lately, he's been getting even crankier than Harlan Ellison! (He's spending all his time cursing out Michael Moore for greatly boosting "Fahrenheit 451"'s sales. Apparently the moral of that book was that censorship was bad, but you should sue anyone who makes an allusion to the title of a classic.) ///////////// EXPLANATION AHOY! (3 of 3) /////////////////////////////// > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: News you can use, or at least squirm along with. > (You are here to suffer.) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2004 22:46:03 -0500 > > Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I've often wanted to be the guy who got to draw the chalk outline > > > around the puddle of blood coming out of Rorschach's corpse. > > > > Chalk wouldn't show well on snow. > > Sure it would. I have black chalk. That's because I live in the > Semi-Bizarro Universe where black is white and white is black but > only half the time, so chalk is black instead of white, but snow > isn't black. Of course, it would be white chalk and black snow over > in the Bizarro Semi-Bizarro Universe, but that would be silly. > > Now don't make me get all wistful that I never got to open my > Museum Of Last Known Photographs Of Dead Scientists. It would have > Rorschach splattered symmetrically, Rorschach cards are those ink-blot things that psychiatrists sometimes show to people to see how often they talk about penises, and whether they fly into a murderous rage when they are shown the completely blank card (yes, there is one.) > and bits of brain following a bullet out of Doc Edgerton's ear, Inventor of the photo strobe, famous for all those photos of fruit being exploded by bullets. There's a building at MIT named after him, the interior is decorated entirely in an exploding-fruit theme. > and Ben Franklin lying in bed naked with an electrified kite string > tied to his you-know-what, Ben Franklin is known to have experimented with attaching electrodes to everything but his weenie, and since he was a randy person, I'll bet you a trillion dollars he secretly tried that too. > and Tom Baker going for a drive with Isadora Duncan. He had a seventeen-foot-long scarf when he was "Doctor Who", and she was a dancer who was killed when her scarf got caught in the wheel of her convertible. > It's too bad I never got to open that museum because it was a > really sick idea and therefore I should have done it so that > I could have made a lot of money making people feel upset. I am so jealous of the Museum Of Jurassic Technology right now. > -- K. > > I hear they found Pavlov > drowned in a teepee filled > with drool. Pavlov did experiments where he trained dogs to slobber on command, and the teepee is from that old joke about the Indian who drank too much Lipton and then drowned in his teepee. ///////////// EXPLANATION COMPLETE! THAT'S ALL, SUCKERS! /////////////// There you go. So, now you know everything. I'll close with a pair of poems: ONE MISTY MOISTY MORNING One misty moisty morning, When cloudy was the weather, I chanced to meet an old man, Clothed all in leather. He began to compliment And I began to grin. How do you do? And how do you do? And how do you do again? -- "The Real Mother Goose" FEATHER MAN I met a man all dressed in leather and from behind was stuck a feather and when he walked it wagged to and fro and the little dog laughed to see it so. -- Robert Glenn Plotner, "The Mother Goose Apocrypha" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hockey haiku Date: Tue, 07 Sep 2004 18:31:07 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > also, some wise-ass will tell you you're just a symbol for the > > agricultural cycle of sow/grow/reap and you'll be forced to play > > poker with satan in hell, until you are evicted and forced to go > > to heaven, where you will be made pope. > > That's one HECK of a vowel movement, yaeng mon. I have no idea what ye aulde hoqui gewns are bandying about here, I'd just like to say that the agricycle is actually "sow/grow/reap/repeat" except that you also have to rotate your crops or your entire village comes down with the wrong type of ergot poisoning, the one that kills you instead of getting you canonized. Speaking of bowel movements and simple forms of poetry, some folks on the bus just now were discussing how Michael Jackson bathes in bleach and sleeps in a plastic bubble, and other important facts they knew, leading to me overhearing this charming stanza: "Madonna doesn't go to the bathroom. I mean she doesn't do number two. She has it vacuumed out. That's what rich people do." -- K. Could be worse, you could have to play Gnip Gnop with Satan in hell. His version of Gnip Gnop is even less fun than ours. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Weirdest neighborhood smell? Date: Wed, 08 Sep 2004 03:43:52 -0400 The area of Cambridge, Massachusetts where Necco's factory was always used to smell like different candy ingredients on different days, depending on whether they were making all the peanut butter segments for the next five years' worth of SkyBars or just the nutmeg-flavored Necco wafers every kid would like if all kids had their brains reversed. But now the Novartis drug company is in that building, because Necco moved their factory to the suburbs. And last weekend, when I visited that neighborhood, everything in a three-block radius around there had a new smell I couldn't quite place... ...then eventually I realized everything smelled like tincture of iodine. An entire neighborhood that smelled like the opposite of germs. So tell me, what's the weirdest smell in your neighborhood? (Note: I am ignoring your farts.) -- K. (especially if you're farting clouds of iodine.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Weirdest neighborhood smell? Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 12:19:26 -0400 [concerning Gilroy, the center of the vast garlicky conspiracy] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Scott Burley (scottburley@att.net) wrote: > > > > Gilroy doesn't smell like garlic so much as a weird, tangy badness. > > Driving past it there's a smell that's recognizably garlic, > not unlike being a block away from a good restaurant, except > without the "good" part. Asafetida, check. > Driving *through* Gilroy is strange, as open-topped garlic transport > trucks abound, causing the roadsides to be littered with garlic bulbs. ...which means more garlic sprouts everywhere along the roads, leading to more trucks, leading to more garlic... MISTER TRUMAN, LET MACARTHUR DROP THE BOMB NOW! -- K. And then leave his cake out in the rain! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Weirdest neighborhood smell? Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 12:16:04 -0400 [on Gilroy, the garlic capital of central North America] Scott Burley (scottburley@att.net) wrote: > > Gilroy doesn't smell like garlic so much as a weird, tangy badness. Ooh! Ooh! Can I be a "weird, tangy badass"? I mis-read it that way and now I want to be it, because, let's face it, I'm not just tangy, I have a zingy zip with a lemony twist. Also, I'm a badass. -- K. There's a "no cologne" rule in the back room of my local bar, so I try to keep my lemony freshness to a minimum. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Weirdest neighborhood smell? Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 12:12:01 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So tell me, what's the weirdest smell in your neighborhood? > > It's not -exactly- weird, but Merita, a bread company, has a small > breadmaking factory just south of the Henley Street Bridge, and > apparently another one in the maze of twisty little factories under > the I-40/James White Parkway interchange. So in either of those places, > if you're driving along with your windows open rather than taking > advantage of air-conditioning/heating (meaning it has to be one of > the two months of the year when you don't need either one), you're > likely to be suddenly overtaken by a cloud of FreshBaked Toast smell. > (Sometimes shading up into slightly burnt.) Suddenly, you are engulfed by a cloud of croutonic energy! Watch out, food in cube form has the sharpest corners! Other than artichokes. And bay leaves. And the original shape of Doritos that they changed to the modern rounded shape after that kid sliced his own head in half. > There's also for some reason an area near where Alcoa Highway branches > off I-40 that has a permanent floating Artificial-Cherry-Stinkmasking > cloud (not the real yummy sharp cherry smell, but that fakeitty fake > one, so this might be from a portajohn factory or something). WORLD'S LARGEST URINAL CAKE: 1 MILE (500 YARDS AHEAD) (Don't drink the water.) > Both are fairly noticeable. Hey, does anyone know any local smells that nobody ever notices? -- K. And what is the secret ingredient in Febreze? You know, the one that doesn't do anything? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A genre Date: Wed, 08 Sep 2004 06:11:32 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Do you remember those movies they made in the 1980s with the people in > asymmetrical studded leather costumes running around in the desert? > > What genre were they? It was either post-apocalyptic or sword and > sorcery, but I can't remember which. Mostly "Too f'ing cheap to have sets or a story so let's just drive around in the desert where no film permits are required." All sorts of dreck such as "Knight Rider 2010", "Island City" and dozens of Band Brothers productions (just try sitting through "Dollman".) These cheapo all-filler films don't even like to bother driving as far as Vazquez rock. The real "Mad Max" films get categorized as "Action" or "Science Fiction" depending on what sort of nerd is enjoying them, but all those dreary wannabe-"Mad Max" films made by people with no ideas and no talent and no budget certainly can't be called "Action" and contain no science fiction (they just put up a card at the beginning about how a nuclear war made all the buildings and anything futuristic-looking disappear, leaving only automobiles and Salvation Army costumes.) These craptacular wastes of time are among the very most tedious films I've ever seen, and believe me, KIBO KNOWS TEDIOUS. "Mad Max" is in that small category of "Good movies I'd still like to travel back in time and burn because they led to so many feeble imitations." Others would be "Alien" and "Rebel Without A Cause". -- K. I want to blow up Griffith Observatory, Vazquez Rock, the Bradbury Building, the Second Street Tunnel, Mulholland Drive, and the Hollywood Sign, just so that people making movies have to leave Los Angeles once in a while. (Yes, I know Vazquez Rock isn't in L.A. So sue me for knowing where the cool "Star Trek" rocks are, unlike the Band Brothers.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dick Hertz in the news Date: Wed, 08 Sep 2004 23:11:26 -0400 [from www.ananova.com] -> -> Hospital wants penis op man to return "We promise we'll get the circumcision right the third time!" -> Doctors at a Romanian hospital want police to help them find a -> man who fled after being told he'd have to have his penis cut off. -> -> Staff at the hospital in Pitesti in the south of the country -> say gangrene had set in. Oh, a little club soda will get out even set-in gangrene. Grape juice stains, on the other hand, are no laughing matter. -> The 42-year-old had apparently stuck a metal ring on it -> after losing a bet during a drinking game in the pub. "I'd bet my penis that I can drink more than you." That one sentence should be a "true/false" question at the top of every IQ test in the world, to save the trouble of grading the rest of it if someone says "true". -> Doctors told the man the only way to save his life was to -> remove the damaged penis, but said when they told him he -> fled the hospital. -> -> Dr Stelian Belu said: "He put the ring on but could not get -> it off again, and unfortunately although he was in agony, he -> waited two days before coming to hospital because he was -> embarrassed. -> -> "The blood supply by that time had been cut off for too -> long, and there was nothing we could do. We told him we -> would need to cut it off so that the necrosis does not -> spread to his body." And since this is Romania, the doctor will also have to drive a stake through his heart in case the necrosis has turned him into a vampire. -> Doctors fear the man will die if he does not get urgent -> medical treatment, local Pro TV reported. -> -> Dr Belu added: "There is no way he can escape going under the -> knife. He needs to come back to the hospital and accept this." Then he added, "Snip snip, slice slice, tee-hee!" and went back to fighting Darkman. And he got killed by Darkman and then in the sequels he got killed by Darkman again. But it wasn't the real Darkman, it was a cheap imitation, because the real one was busy playing ponytailed light-saber guru Qui-Gon in the movie "Krull". -- K. My own personal favorite brand of surgical instruments is Roboz, because it's so much fun to say "Roboz". "Nurse, Roboz Metzenbaum scissors!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: scientists only build half a robot, but it's the half that eats Date: Thu, 09 Sep 2004 04:29:31 -0400 [from www.newscientist.com] -> -> Self-sustaining killer robot creates a stink -> -> 19:00 08 September 04 -> -> NewScientist.com news service -> -> It may eat flies and stink to high heaven, but if this robot -> works, it will be an important step towards making robots fully -> autonomous. "CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! FART! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! FART!" -> To survive without human help, a robot needs to be able to -> generate its own energy. So Chris Melhuish and his team of -> robotics experts at the University of the West of England in -> Bristol are developing a robot that catches flies and digests -> them in a special reactor cell that generates electricity. I like the emphasis: "special reactor cell". Because it wouldn't be so impressive if the robot digested bugs in a regular reactor cell. -> So what is the downside? The robot will most likely have to -> attract the hapless flies by using a stinking lure concocted from -> human excrement. Uh oh. This means the next version of the Roomba (which might be only 98% useless instead of 99%), will not simply plug itself into a wall outlet when it wants to recharge overnight, but will sneak up your butt when you sleep. "If you bought a Roomba and then woke up with Vaseline all over your sphincter, would you tell anyone?" "Hell no!" "Want to buy a Roomba?" -> Called EcoBot II, the robot is part of a drive to make "release -> and forget" robots that can be sent into dangerous or inhospitable -> areas to carry out remote industrial or military monitoring of, -> say, temperature or toxic gas concentrations. Sensors on the robot -> feed a data logger that periodically radios the results back to a -> base station. Other famous "release and forget" systems: Frankenstein, pennies dropped off the Empire State, Willie Horton, and any album containing only one of the Spice Girls. -> Exoskeleton electricity -> -> The robot's energy source is the sugar in the polysaccharide -> called chitin that makes up a fly's exoskeleton. EcoBot II digests -> the flies in an array of eight microbial fuel cells (MFCs), which -> use bacteria from sewage to break down the sugars, releasing -> electrons that drive an electric current (see graphic). I looked at the graphic. It was sort of cartoony, but it would have been funnier if it had little big-eyed flies screaming "Help me! Help me!", especially if one of them had Al Hedison's head. Or was that David Hedison? I can't remember whether he was in that movie before or after he went through that machine that switched his first name with someone else's. -> In its present form, EcoBot II still has to be manually fed -> fistfuls of dead bluebottles, but the ultimate aim of the UWE -> robotics team is to make the droid predatory, using sewage as a -> bait to catch the flies. Dear "fistfuls of dead bluebottles", I call band name on you. Hey, why am I talking to you? You're just a silly band name! -> "One of the great things about flies is that you can get them to -> come to you," says Melhuish. The team has yet to tackle this, but -> speculates that it would involve using a bottleneck-style flytrap -> with some form of pump to suck the flies into the digestion chambers. Here's a suggestion: How about a _suction_ pump? -> With a top speed of 10 centimetres per hour, EcoBot II's roving -> prowess is still modest to say the least. "Every 12 minutes it -> gets enough energy to take a step forwards two centimetres and -> send a transmission back," says Melhuish. It was last seen spending 36 minutes trying to get onto the first step of a shopping mall escalator, but nobody noticed because it was behaving exactly like all the old people there. -> But it does not need to catch too many flies to do so, says team -> member Ioannis Ieropoulos. In tests, EcoBot II travelled for five -> days on just eight fat flies - one in each MFC. They should invent a companion robot that goes around fattening up flies. Unless McDonalds already did that. -> Donated sewage -> -> So how do flies get turned into electricity? Each MFC comprises an -> anaerobic chamber filled with raw sewage slurry - donated by UWE's -> local utility, Wessex Water. The flies become food for the -> bacteria that thrive in the slurry. And I thought regular Daleks were bad -- they just squirt shaving cream in all directions whenever you tell them "This sentence is false." These new robots will spray raw sewage all over you whenever you mildly puzzle them. "This sentence no verb." "ERROR! ERROR! CANNOT COPE, MUST CAUSE SHITSTORM!" -> Enzymes produced by the bacteria break down the chitin to release -> sugar molecules. These are then absorbed and metabolised by the -> bacteria. In the process, the bacteria release electrons that are -> harnessed to create an electric current. You put the shit in the chitin and you shake it all about ...someone else can write the rest of the song. Also you can point out that this only works if you pronounce "chitin" like Jon Pertwee. -> Previous efforts to use carnivorous MFCs to drive a robot included -> an abortive UWE effort: the Slugbot. This was designed to hunt -> slugs on farms by using imaging systems to spot and grab the -> pests, and then deliver them to a digester that produces methane -> to power a fuel cell. Hey, this is turning into the title sequence of a Kirstie Alley movie directed by that guy who flunked out of medical school because he couldn't figure out what epilepsy was or how mutations worked. Cue Gene Simmons and his army of Radio Shack stocking-stuffer kits. "Zoinks! Zoids!" -> The electricity generated would have been used to charge the -> Slugbot when it arrived at a docking station. But the -> methane-based system took too long to produce power, and the team -> realised that MFCs offered far more promise. Have they considered making a robot that feeds itself baby food, and then stapling Peter Weller's face onto it? -> Elsewhere, researchers in Florida created a train-like robot -> dubbed Chew Chew (New Scientist print edition, 22 July 2000) that -> used MFCs to charge a battery, but the bacteria had to be fed on -> sugar cubes. Sadly, scientists had to destroy the robot by stomping on it repeatedly after it kept telling the sugar cube, "I chew-chew-choose you because U R 2 sweet!" -> For an autonomous robot to survive in the wild, relying on such -> refined foodstuffs is not an option, says Melhuish. EcoBot II, on -> the other hand, is the first robot to use unrefined fuel. Just do -> not stand downwind. And never get between a robot and a big juicy bug. Hmm, wasn't that the moral of eighty-three episodes of "Lexx"? -- K. "Lexx" was the version of "Doctor Who" for kids who liked orgies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: thousands of tonsils have disappeared in... The Kibo Triangle! Date: Thu, 09 Sep 2004 18:02:07 -0400 I was putting some stars on a map to show a friend where my office, my home, and my hangout are, and I realized that if I connect them, the triangle is pretty much congruent with the Longwood Medical Area. All the hospitals in town are trapped between these three places I go. Is there some way we can harness the combination of the thousands of people undergoing painful surgery within this triangle with the powerful natural geomagnetic forces emitted by all scalene triangles to unleash a devastating force that only I may command? And if not, can we at least still rename the Longwood Medical Area "The Kibo Triangle" anyway? I mean, it's too spooky a neighborhood to be a mere "area" instead of a "triangle". -- K. Hey, look at that weird mirror! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: weirdness @ Wendy's Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 12:48:07 -0400 Conmidhe (ark2.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > OK, so you all know how totally dependant I am on drive thru windows for > my survival and such...today I went to Wendy's and as I'm getting my sack > of calories and cholesterol the kid leans out the window holding my bag > with both hands, stares right over top of me like he's blind or something > and says quietly "good luck". If I'd been him, I would've said "good luck" very quietly, and then "YOU'LL NEED IT!" loudly, and then "OOPS!!! I!!! SAID!!! THE!!! QUIET!!! PART!!! LOUD!!!" into a megaphone directly into your bag causing it to burst, showering everyone with 99c super-mild Wendy's brand chili. > Whatayado ? > > a)drop the sack and flee for your life > 2)put the sack on the seat next to you and drive off > iii)take the sack directly to the nearest bomb squad I would glower directly at him until he made eye contact and then wink one eye and laugh maniacally. Then drive around the restaurant to arrive back at the drive-thru in ten seconds and toss the bag in through his window. Because I'm like Mike O except scary butch instead of just bafflingly dysfunctional. > I went home and ate my lunch, but I'm totally used to drive thru window > people acting like a bunch a fukkin retards. Now, let's be sensitive. It's very offensive for you to refer to retards as "window people". Just because zoos put them in glass boxes for our amusement is no reason to cop an attitude, young man. -- K. Now eat your chili before it explodes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Sex Orgy Story Thing Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 13:14:36 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I stole this from Fark. Any article about Boston that spawns the > comment "I know that I for one, would welcome our new suburban butt > pyramid overlords" is an article we all have to read. > > [from news.bostonherald.com] > -> > -> School zone sex club: Outrage over wild parties across from junior high > -> > -> A Brockton neighborhood activist who has protested profanities screamed > -> at rock concerts has hosted ``horny bi-dads'' for free-for-all orgies > -> across from a junior high school, the Herald has learned. > > By "learned" we mean "discovered", and by "discovered" we mean "Bob the > assistant editor made the mistake of telling Fred the typesetter about his > afternoon activities, and it was a fucking slow news day." It was the other way around, actually -- everyone knows that typesetters are the ones who know where the action is. (If you haven't made out on a light table, you don't know what you're missing.) > -> The parties are held day and night in the stone-and-brick ranch > -> located across the street from West Junior High, a school for children > -> in seventh and eighth grades. > > The Boston Herald is proud to announce to its readership that it now > knows what a Junior High is. The Herald is not exactly a paper for people who are non-dumb. > -> ``I would hope that this young man would pack his bags and leave > -> our town as quickly as possible. I find his conduct reprehensible,'' > -> Brockton Mayor John Yunits said. > > I guess if my last name was pronounced "units", I'd go around acting > like a rabid sheriff in a bad Western movie, too. And I bet when he went to the orgy in his cowboy outfit, he just stood around eating pudding. > -> ``Whether or not it's criminal, I don't know, but given the location of > -> his home, near a prominent school in our district, makes it even more > -> appalling.'' > > So. He's the mayor, he doesn't really know what's legal and what isn't, > and his deep philosophical beliefs about free will hinge on what > neighborhood you live in. Got it. And only if it's a "prominent" school. HEY KIDS, BE POORER LEARNERS SO THE REST OF US CAN HAVE MORE SEX. THANK YOU. > -> Dembling, a well-known activist who spearheaded protests last summer > -> after the profanity-laced Vans Warped Tour concert at the nearby > -> Brockton Fairgrounds. > > You have got to be kidding me. This man has a problem with the use of > profanity at a rock concert? Only laced profanity. That's the kind with the dainty doily edges and the frilly fucking fru-fru. > -> Reached last night, Dembling, 45, admitted throwing the parties > -> but denied charging money or allowing booze or drugs. [ ... ] > -> According to the Web site, partygoers pay $10 per day and $15 per > -> night, which covers ``condoms, lube and snacks.'' > > Someone make a note of this for the next ARKple. Gay guys who haven't figured out how to get condoms for free need to get out more often. I've seen people walk into bars, grab a handful from the jar, and walk out. > -> ``You may bring your own liquor, beer, and wine, pot and poppers. > -> No hard drugs,'' the Web site advertises. > > "I don't charge, except for lube, and I don't allow alcohol or drugs, > except alcohol and drugs." Hey, Stacia, you forgot to quote the next sentence, which was the dumbest one in the article: -> ``Poppers'' refers to methamphetamine pills, which are often used -> to boost sex drive. DEAR MISTER BOSTON HERALD, YOU ARE CONFUSING AMYL NITRATE WITH METH AND AMYL NITRATE WITH VIAGRA AND METH WITH VIAGRA ALL AT THE SAME TIME. BUT THAT HARDLY MATTERS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DIED AS A RESULT. > The article goes on to list the states some attendees live in, > and other personal information, although I don't know how The Herald > would know any of this, unless of course my Bob and Fred theory is true. Puh-leeze, because they're gay they'd be "Robert" and "Frederic". Unless they're really gay, in which case they'd be "RobŽrt" and "Freder’c". -- K. Do my accent marks ever come out right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Sex Orgy Story Thing Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:10:40 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > I have no idea how [poppers] were confused with meth, although this > > is the newspaper who explained to us what a junior high school was. > > Maybe the writer of the article suddenly realized "OH NO, there's > too much information in here that identifies me as knowing a lot about > being gay, and there's nothing else to write about, so I'll include > a dumb mistake so it doesn't look like I'm actually gay". Yeah, 'cause poppers are one of those drugs that don't work on straight people. Hey, wait a minute... I think that just made me straight. Sorry! I'll include a dumb mistake so it doesn't look like I'm actually straight. In football, a first down is worth seven points, plus an extra point for neatness. -- K. Popeye looks that way because of poppers. Sailor-strength poppers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Sex Orgy Story Thing Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 03:14:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > DEAR MISTER BOSTON HERALD, YOU ARE CONFUSING AMYL NITRATE WITH METH > > AND AMYL NITRATE WITH VIAGRA AND METH WITH VIAGRA ALL AT THE SAME TIME. > > > > BUT THAT HARDLY MATTERS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DIED AS A RESULT. > > What are poppers? Tiny bottles labelled "glove cleaner", "leather cleaner", "video head cleaner", or the classic "room odorizer". It's any liquid inhalant which is an amyl nitrate analog -- amyl nitrate is illegal, but other things such as isobutyl nitrate are legal for sale as long as all parties concerned pretend they're not a recreational drug. Some people get a rush when they inhale them, and certain muscles relax for insertion of certain things into certain places, and they get foggy and pain is dulled. Some other people just get instant killer headaches. I hear that if you do poppers and Viagra at the same time, your penis explodes, and not in a good way. > In her award-winning comedy albums, Margaret Cho used the above sentence > as an example of something stupid that her straight boyfriends say. > HAW HAW LOOK AT THE UNHIP STRAIGHT GUY WHO'S NEVER HAD SEX WITH A JALAPENO > STUFFED WITH CREAM CHEESE! > > And then she DOESN'T TELL US. All I can infer from the context of > the joke is that she applies them because she has sex like a gay man. > So it's something that two gay men can use on each other, but something > that a man and a woman are less likely to use on each other -- judging by > the amount of laughter she garnered, it might actually be impossible to > use in straight sex, but I'm thinking it isn't, for two reasons: first, > I know it's a chemical, and not mechanical in nature, meaning even if > it's gender-specific, the guy can use it. And second, particularly in > Notorious C.H.O, the audience would erupt into 20 seconds of applause > after every line, punch- or non-punch-. > > I could Google, but I want the Kiboxplanation. All's you need to know is that they're a quasi-legal party drug that people do (a) to make it easier to get the zucchini in or (b) to make it even more pleasant to have clothespins on their nipples. Go to your local porno store and ask for "poppers" and watch them chase you out with a shotgun. Then go back and ask for "video head cleaner, WINK!" while making air-quotes with your fingers, and then you'll have a bottle which will explode in your pocket on the way home. After that, you'll know how they smell, assuming all your clothes don't dissolve. And don't come anywhere near me because I think I would get the sort of killer headache that would kill you. -- K. Meth, on the other hand, is called "Tina" because it was invented by Tina Yothers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Sex Orgy Story Thing Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 12:30:20 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Meth, on the other hand, > > is called "Tina" because > > it was invented by > > Tina Yothers. > > I remember Family Ties, and it was Alex that was on the diet pills. No, dude, Alex invented that other drug, that one that makes you wear your jockstrap on the outside of your white jumpsuit and commit violent rapes accompanied by bouncy analog-synthesizer versions of classical music. Then you make the mistake of thinking starring in Larry Flynt's film about Caligula might be a good career choice, to say nothing about Roland Emmerich's film about pederasty in outer space. I mean his first film about pederasty in outer space. And worst of all, eventually it'll destroy your face and voice so that halfway through "Tank Girl" you'll turn into some guy wearing a mask with the wrong voice. So don't do Alex. JUST SAY NO TO ALEX NO MATTER HOW HARD HE BEATS YOU. > And later, Jessie from Saved by the Bell. I've never heard of a drug named "Jessie". Sounds pretty gay. What does it do, make you respect Dustin Diamond's acting ability? -- K. It depresses me that I get most of my own references. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: poop 'n scoop Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 02:57:53 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > On the phone with a client. A woman was yelling at her kid while talking to > me... > > "Mia! MIA!! Come here and pick up your ca-ca!!" > > I don't even want to try to make sense out of this one. See, the little girl's name is Mia, and her mother wanted her to pick up some poop that had come out of the lower side of her body. Poop is a common Earth substance which is bodily waste. On the planet Tralfamadore, poop is made from diamonds and bong water, but bong water is made from poop from the future. Tralfamadorians have a saying: "The future is all poop up ahead." Not many calendars are sold on Tralfamadore. So it goes. When the timequake comes, past poop and future poop will be re-united and nobody will ever have to go to the bathroom again. Madonna already does not go to the bathroom. Madonna, who is almost a blonde, is a popular Earth entertainer who dances like a robot although no scientist has yet proved she is one. God created Madonna because God needed a robot to sing and dance and strip. Madonna does not poop because she has a copy of my new book up her ass. Kurt Vonnegut was a popular and talented Earth novelist whose style was all too easy to parody even before he became senile. Now he wears underpants on his head. Here they are: * ============= * * | | | * UNDER \ / \ / PANTS * \__/___\__/ * * * Ding dong. -- K. I have a penis six trillion inches long, but most of it is made of Twizzlers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: World championships of Ecky-Thump! Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 13:22:33 -0400 (Okay, an Ecky-Thump reference may be Degree Of Difficulty 9.7, but at least there's a good chance that it'll make someone who sees "Ecky-Thump" die agonizingly just like that other guy did.) [from news.scotsman.com] -> -> Hundreds Compete for World Black Pudding Throwing Title -> -> By Hugo Duncan, PA News -> -> Hundreds of people today took part in a bizarre black pudding -> throwing competition which attracts people from around the world -> to a small corner of Lancashire. -> -> The World Black Pudding Throwing Championship recreates an ancient -> battle between the counties of Yorkshire and Lancashire, and -> attracts people from as far away as Australia. If the Australians win, do they get to reclaim Lancashire as their own? -> It was held at the Royal Oak pub in Ramsbottom, Greater -> Manchester, with more than 300 people taking part -> -> Contestants threw black puddings at a stack of Yorkshire puddings -> 20ft off the ground in a bid to knock off more than their opponents. Meat in collision! I sense a bumper sticker: Lancashire: Where meat meets meat. Quick, relocate the Focus Ranch there. -> Local man John Burns, 33, was crowned world champion after -> knocking seven Yorkshire puddings to the ground. -> -> It is the second year running that a local man has won, after last -> year's success by Nick Connor, and follows a period of domination -> by the Australians. WATCH OUT! THE AUSTRALIANS GOT WHIPS! -> One legend claims that the event is based on an incident during -> the Wars of the Roses when both armies ran out of ammunition and -> threw food at each other. And since it wasn't American food, hundreds were killed. Because the United States has both the best and the blandest cuisine in the world. -> Royal Oak landlord Stuart Law said: "It's been another great day. -> We've had loads of people here and they've had a great time." -> -> Black pudding is a speciality of the region and consists of cooked -> pigs' blood, fat and rusk encased in a length of intestine. Eww... rusk! -- K. By the way, what's rusk? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More sausage-related news Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 14:35:20 -0400 [from www.oaklandtribune.com] -> -> Did diminutive brain play role in killings? -> -> 'Sausage king' jurors hear of defendant's shrunken cerebrum -> -> By Glenn Chapman, STAFF WRITER -> -> OAKLAND -- San Leandro's former "sausage king" has a shrunken brain, -> jurors at his triple murder trial were told Thursday. If there were still any blank pages left at the end of all our "Mother Goose" books, I'd propose "The sausage king has a shrunken brain" start off the final page. Sadly, we've already used up all the pages Mother Goose can ever take. Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. -> If 43-year-old Stuart Alexander's cerebrum were being graded by size -> along a bell curve, it would get an "F," ...and you know what's at the bottom of the bell curve? DUNGGGGGG!!!! Sorry, if I had known there were going to be puns today I would have prepared something. -> a Utah neuro-image expert said during daylong testimony before -> Alameda County Superior Court Judge Vern Nakahara. -> -> Erin Bigler stepped to an easel next to the jury box and drew a -> standard bell curve to illustrate how an analysis of MRI scans taken -> in December 2003 showed about 99 percent of people Alexander's age -> have more brain tissue than he does. Bigler is a Brigham Young -> University professor who specializes in neuropsychology. -> -> "His brain is atrophied," Bigler replied to questioning by Assistant -> Public Defender Michael Ogul, who called him as a witness. "It is -> far away from what would be considered a normal brain." I try to keep mine very close to several normal brains. Of course, changing the water in all those jars is a nuisance, but still it's good to know that I can sleep with my head nestled up against a couple of those bell jars whenever I want to feel well-adjusted. -> Defense attorneys Jason Clay and Ogul have spent weeks trying to -> bolster their argument that Alexander is a brain-damaged linguisa -> factory heir who acted in unreasoned rage when he shot dead three -> meat inspectors he felt were harassing him. Did he make just linguica, or did he also make chorizo? This is important because there might be a bunch of organ-meat puns in his future and I want to be sure I get all the glands right. -> Alexander has a history of blows to the head stretching from his -> childhood to a 1997 pickup truck crash on Interstate 880, according -> to the defense case. Brain scars, along with shrinkage, can impair -> the ability to process information and control impulse, experts have -> testified. "Your honor, I plead shrinkage! My brain was in the pool and the water was cold!" -> "We have proven what I said in my opening statement," Ogul said -> Thursday when asked how the size of Alexander's brain backed his -> argument that Alexander shouldn't be convicted of capital murder. And then, he followed up that brilliant argument by offering all the members of the jury all the chorizo they could eat. -> Ogul said Alexander was impulsive because of organic brain damage, -> and he fixated on his hatred of the meat inspectors. -> -> Prosecutors Jack Laettner and Paul Hora contend Alexander is a -> lifelong bully who boasted to friends he intended to kill the meat -> inspectors, dodge accountability by using a mental health defense -> and then cash in on his story through a book or film. -> -> "Atrophy does not equate to dysfunction," Laettner concluded after -> Bigler finished testifying for the day. After all, when an animal has some horribly atrophied body part, that might mean you can't make a steak out of it, but you can still make perfectly normal sausage out of it. -> Laettner noted in court that defense experts hadn't ruled out -> psychiatric or emotional disorders might be at issue with Alexander -> instead of brain damage. Laettner had Bigler review the diagnostic -> criteria for an antisocial personality, which seemed to fit things -> the jury has learned about Alexander. -> -> "Do you look for hateful ... just plain mean?" Laettner asked Bigler -> about the way he studies patients. -> -> "We don't have a meanness test," Bigler replied. And that's the best news _I've_ heard today. -> Bigler agreed with Laettner that a "sophisticated malingerer" could -> intentionally score poorly on neuropsychology tests without being -> exposed by safeguards crafted into exams. -> -> Bigler's testimony capped a week that included an associate of -> Alexander who told how they both shared "conservative, Republican" -> values such as the tenet "you are responsible for your actions." Whereas Democrats want you to kill people whenever you like! -> "Stuart Alexander was a law-and-order person, such as myself," said -> Douglas Smith, who worked for a sign company that dealt with -> Alexander. -> -> Smith described being frustrated by San Leandro city planning -> employees during the permit process for a Santos Linguisa Factory -> sign, and recalled how Alexander maintained local officials were -> getting back at him for once having run for mayor. -> -> After being arrested for shooting dead federal and state meat -> inspectors Jean Hillery of Alameda, Tom Quadros and Bill Shaline in -> the Santos retail room on June 21, 2000, Alexander wrote Smith a -> letter thanking him for his friendship. The letter was signed "Love, -> Stuart The Sausage King." Wasn't he on Howard Stern's TV show the night it got banned in Boston? -> Testimony is to resume Monday. Meanwhile, I've suddenly got a craving for sausage that tastes like human flesh. Is there a Denny's near here? I know theirs doesn't really contain human flesh, but they sure know how to cook it to make it taste like it does. In fact, at Denny's, everything tastes like people. -- K. Mmm... soylent chorizo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:40:58 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > His lawyer says he is insane > Mama says he's mean, not nuts > Daddy wants to fry his guts. > How many volts to burn his sausage butt? That makes way too much sense to be a real nursery rhyme. I bet you just made that up! Also, it's the amps not the volts what burn a butt. Volts make it burn better, though. So, who's up for sausage tonight? -- K. So who else felt ripped off when they found out that Jimmy Dean sausage doesn't actually contain James Dean? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:50:09 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > And just for Kibo: > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > The sausage sadist causes pain > The sausage vampire likes fatty veins > They all play on the sausage Match Game > How many links on the sausage chain? > (one, two, three...) Fuck yeah! That was so good it moved me to use profanity on the Internet -- for the first time. Now, will someone please write the rest of the script for "The Sausage Match Game" starring the sausage king, the sausage vampire, the sausage sadist, the sausage Brett Somers, the sausage Charles Nelson Reilly, and the sausage that Charles Nelson Reilly's smoking? THAD VANKS!!! -- K. Hey, the Walgreen's around the corner from here is on the TV news tonight. They got held up right after I took a date there. (Because the hardware store was too far away.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:49:59 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The Enb > (Lyrics by Jim "Sausage King" Morrison) > > I'll never look into your eyes again > Can you picture what will be > So limitless and free > Desperately in need of some > stranger's hand > In a desperate land > Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > And all the children are insane "Roman wilderness of pain"! I call dibs on that for the name of my villa when I get one! Thank you so much for stealing that from Jim Morrison to make me not feel guilty about stealing it from you! Unless he stole it from Phil Dick, who stole it from Steve Allen, who stole it from Ernie Kovacs, who stole it from Bert Kovacs, who stole it from Burger King, who stole it from Kurger Bing, who stole it from Abbie Hoffman, and where were we again? Oh, yeah, sausage. Sausage is good. Sausage kings are bad. -- K. Sausage kinks are okay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:47:43 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > It rattles round inside his crain- > ium. Let's throw in some dirt and plant a gerain- > ium in the empty space. > How many flowers does it bloom? (count jumps until someone trips) Two lines start with "-ium". What a perverse new rhyming scheme. It reminds me of the genius hymns composed by Archimedes Pluton- ium. It's all so insanium. With sausage in our slacks. Anyway, Plorkwort, I am humbled by your genius, and your perverseness. -- K. I tripped on two. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:34:09 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > You got yours, so this is for Plorkwort. Also, I am obsessed with > transportation today, it seems. > > Bucky Fuller's three-wheeled car > Crashed before he got too far > They dropped his house from an old airplane > Then they asked poor Bucky to explain > Why the sausage king has a shruken brain. > How many neurons does it have? > One, two, three, ... The Dymaxion car started when Bucky Fuller farted they all came out retarded the sausage king's shrunken brain! Sorry, I just can't do this the way you professional lyricists can. I'm not Vic Mizzy, and I never will be. Can I at least be Ted Cassidy? -- K. MUST CRUSH MAJEL BARRETT. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:29:54 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain. > He traded it to Conrad Bain, > Who poked it with a rusty sword. > How many vials has Todd Bridges scored? > One, two, three ... n-1, n! I guess "Barbara Bain" would have been a little too on-the-nose during The Ballad Of The Shrinky-Dink Brain. I wish I had a shrunken brain I'd be famous like Barb'ra Bain. I wish I had a shrunken ass I'd be famous like Philip Glass. I wish I had a shrunken ear I'd be famous like Richard Gere. I wish I had a shrunken nose I'd be famous PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!! I still fantasize about becoming the Poet Laureate Of The United States just so that someday I can be at a big official function in front of the President and the people who run the country so I could start reading a very serious, moving poem and then suddenly yell "PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!" before the Secret Service wrestled the microphone away from me. -- K. I apologize for almost writing "Moonshadow". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:18:32 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > Segway, H2, Unimog, train > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > He keeps it in a wooden box > How many days until it rots? > One, two, three, ... I don't know what a Unimog is, but for making "We Didn't Start The Fire" start running through my brain (and not Conan O'Brien's version played on a flute by a cactus in a chef's hat) I'm going to be extra-mean to you next time we play Scrabble. Also, last night I watched the "Scientific American Frontiers" episode where Alan Alda kept his brain in a wooden box and carried it to various Boston-area locations (plus Yale) to celebrate Phineas Gage's 1848 discovery that having an iron bar blasted clear through your head can affect your personality. (Gage's skull lives across the street from me!) Anyway, I watched the episode on the 156th anniversary of Gage becoming the most famous "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" drawing of all time -- he was injured on September 13th, which was not only the day I watched Alan Alda open his brain box, but which was also the day in 1999 when the Moon got blown out of orbit, going clear through Barbara Bain's frontal lobe, robbing her of all ability to display human emotions! What does this have to do with sausage stuffing? -- K. HONK! HONK! (go ahead, explain that -- degree of difficulty: 10.0) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 13:46:02 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Has California yet made it illegal to practice necrophellia? > > No. > > However, spelling errors are punishable by death. Oh, come on, Darla, give the guy the benefit of the doubt -- maybe he's not some sort of sick corpse-grabber, maybe he really is some sort of phelliac. For instance, if he were a mesophelliac, he'd be into a sort of truffly fungus which makes up a large portion of the diet of the long-footed potoroo. But mesophellia are native to Australia, if Lots42 were a mesophelliac he'd be very frustrated unless his secret shame is that he's really australian. But that's beside the point and I have to change the subject before I note that Mesophellia agglutinospora is also known as Gummiglobus agglutinosporus. MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS! So, Lots, do you deny knowing about the diet of the long-footed potoroo? -- K. Necrophilia can't be nearly as much fun as having sex with a living person who can move and respond and yell "MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:29:36 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > agglutinospora is also known as Gummiglobus agglutinosporus. > > MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS! > > What, no extended riff on the production of awful films in which > Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Christopher Reeves wear > unbelievably uncomfortable German fetish rubber suits? When I wrote that, I decided "The Apple" was too obvious a reference to mention, so I didn't and I won't. By the way, speaking of Europeans who are so European that they unintentionally become gayer than a pile of Scott Thompsons, I just bought something from Germany which included a free pair of German socks, and the package of socks had a picture of the swishiest German ever, proving that yes, it is possible to look faggy in lederhosen. > You're not really Kibo, are you? I just want to know why you think German rubber fetish suits would be uncomfortable. -- K. Lederhosen, on the other hand, from the evidence in this picture, appear to be so uncomfortable you have to stand en pointe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:16:39 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Necrophilia can't be nearly > > as much fun as having sex > > with a living person who > > can move and respond and > > yell "MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS!" > > Oddly enough, that's my safeword. Well, you just took all the fun out of it. I guess I'll have to become a necrophiliac now. Either that or have sex with that deaf-mute prostitute that someone once set Lenny Bruce up with. But then I'd have to come up with an even better fart joke than he did. And I don't think I can fart funnier than Lenny Bruce did. -- K. Einstein would have liked that fart joke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 14:18:46 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Has California yet made it illegal to practice necrophellia? So, Lots, I looked up the answer to your question, and sure enough, Governor Killing Machine has outlawed corpse-loving. Sorry, sickie. [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Schwarzenegger outlaws sex with corpses -> -> Fri Sep 10, 6:28 PM ET -> -> SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) -- Having sex with corpses is now officially -> illegal in California after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a -> bill barring necrophilia, a spokeswoman says. In the spirit of "What if you have your leg amuptated and then later have your brain get put in a robot body, when you die and go to heaven do you get your leg back before or after the rest of your body?", allow me to ask the obvious question: What if it's not a corpse? What if it's just a part of a corpse? -> The new legislation marks the culmination of a two-year drive to -> outlaw necrophilia in the state and will help prosecutors who have -> been stymied by the lack of an official ban on the practice, -> according to experts. -> -> "Nobody knows the full extent of the problem. ... But a handful of -> instances over the past decade is frequent enough to have a bill -> concerning it," said Tyler Ochoa, a professor at Santa Clara -> University School of Law who has studied California cases involving -> allegations of necrophilia. Hmm, he must have an obsessive fascination with death and corpses and... wait a minute -- my dictionary says that _is_ necrophilia! And it can't be wrong because it's in a several-hundred-word dictionary on the Web! (You can't put a dictionary on the Web unless it's as factually accurate as any other blog!) -> "Prosecutors didn't have anything to charge these people with other -> than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the -> first place, prosecutors couldn't even charge them with that," Ochoa -> said on Friday. Also they got tired of people snickering whenever they said "breaking and 'entering'". -> The state's first attempt to outlaw necrophilia [...] stalled last year -> in a legislative committee. We need to stop the legislators from receiving so many billions of dollars in bribes from The Corpse-Fucker Lobby. You know, Disney. OOPS! OH WHAT A GIVEAWAY!!! -> Lawmakers revived the bill this year after an unsuccessful -> prosecution of a man found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk -> and passed out on top of an elderly woman's corpse. Well, duh, in San Francisco a guy would have to be real drunk to try to have sex with a dead _woman_. -> The new law makes sex with a corpse a felony punishable by up to -> eight years in prison. So what witty zinger will Arnold mumble when he drags a necrophiliac pervert off to jail? a) "We're gonna put you in dead stooraaage!" b) "Necrophile? The only phile you'll be thinking about is the one hidden in your birthday caaaaake." c) "In jail they take away your cigarettes, no coffin for youuuu." d) "I could have cut off your head and made sweet love to your neck-hole. But here in America I do not do things your way. I shall let you live. Fuck you laterrrrr." -- K. I wonder if Schwarzenegger's stopped having sex with Mapplethorpe yet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 9/11: Americans Love A Holiday Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 13:53:44 -0400 The Intrinsically Flawed Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > One of these statements is false: > > Today traveling around in my car I saw more block parties, music > festivals, concerts, and fireworks displays than at any one point during > the Summer months, even on July 4. It only took 3 years. > > Me, this morning under my Lego mockup of blackened Twin Towers I found > the new sneakers I wanted, a gift card for $50 to Borders, and a coupon > for a day at the spa. You got Legos? Oh, man! I only got the Mega Bloks version of the Terrorist Destructivation Smashers set with the crummy little vinyl playmat where the corpses were just printed on it! Also, you're sick and I'm going to tell the government to deport you to Abu Graib. But you'd probably like that, you sicko, so instead we're going to send you to Saskatchewan until you send a telex to Washington saying "Please let me back in Mister United States Sir because I'm so very bored." Or worse, we'll deport you to Alaska and never, ever let you back into the United States even if you send telexes that somehow come out tasting like yummy candy. -- K. I enjoy making people send telexes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Big-boned" sounds ICKIER than "fat"! Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 13:58:18 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Whose idea was it that "big-boned" sounds pleasanter than "fat"? His name was Bron. Bron Tosaur. > Bones are hard and sharp and give an impression of permanence (when > someone falls into the acid bath sitting in the open in the middle of > the room, only the skeleton remains). At least fat is soft. Geez, you guys, I'm starting to realize that the only reason I hang around on a.r.k any more is that you people make me look well-adjusted and normal and not perverted or evil or warped in any way. That and the large cash payments you guys keep sending in. By the way, Seth, your check's late. > I bet it's even harder for people with giant deformed skeletons to > lose bone than it is for fat people to lose fat. Hey, Michael Jackson has a giant deformed skeleton and nobody thinks he's fat, even when he has sex with little boys in front of it inside the oxygen chamber while Madonna doesn't go to the bathroom. You people disgust me. -- K. So, John, just how fat are your bones? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: wee-wee in the news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:02:01 -0400 [from ap.tbo.com] -> -> Company Making Fake Urine for Researchers -> -> By David Twiddy Associated Press Writer -> Published: Sep 12, 2004 -> -> LENEXA, Kan. (AP) -- Synthetic urine, which sounds like -> something more likely to generate snickers than sales, is -> turning into a small success for a Kansas company. ...bringing them golden showers of... oh, never mind, I just don't have the heart. I'll turn the floor over to Gene Rayburn: GENE RAYBURN: ...bringing them golden showers of BLANK. BRETT SOMERS: Oh! I got it! I got it! Water? CHARLES NELSON REILLY: Shut up, you horrible old drag queen! -> Dyna-Tek Industries, a company bought by Kevin Dyches and -> his wife, Sandra, five years ago, has developed synthetic -> urine for the research industry. If you dip someone's hand in it while they sleep, pure distilled water comes out. -> One of their first customers is the Centers for Disease -> Control and Prevention, which made a big purchase this -> summer and has hinted it could be a major buyer long into -> the future. Other research institutions and laboratories are -> also looking into Dyna-Tek's product, called Surine. "You numbskull! I said 'Surine', not 'Sarin'!" screamed Charles Nelson Reilly at Brett Somers in the greatest Sid & Marty Krofft snuff film ever! -> "We have been very blessed with this," said Dyches, who -> handles finances and marketing for the three-person company, -> discreetly tucked away (with gaffer's tape from the Brett Somers collection) -> in a suburban Kansas City office park. "It was pretty -> discouraging until about a year ago." And then, just like Disney's "Flubber", the sparkly yellow Surine started disco-dancing and Robin Williams collected a big fat paycheck for watching it dance around and Wil Wheaton gave a great performance during his only three seconds on screen and Fred MacMurray and Humphrey Bogart tried to re-enact the dancing Surine using a bowl of white sand. -> The laboratory industry has a serious need for synthetic -> urine. Researchers, drug-testing labs and other institutions -> buy thousands of gallons of the real stuff, I'M QUITTING MY DAY JOB RIGHT NOW!!! HEY RESEARCHERS, WRITE ME A CHECK AND STAND WAY BACK! -> mostly to calibrate the equipment used to test regular urine -> samples for drugs or other substances. Researchers periodically -> check the accuracy of their equipment by introducing samples -> that have been intentionally spiked with drugs and other -> chemicals. -> -> But human urine has its limitations: It decays rapidly if -> not kept refrigerated and must be frozen when shipped. It -> can smell, (and yet it has no nose) -> and it foams. Donors must be screened carefully for drug use -> or disease. Also, different body chemistry guarantees that no -> two people's urine is exactly alike, an irritation for -> researchers who rely on consistency. That's why I always add Urine Helper to my urine, to give it that rich, foamy consistency. -> A fully synthetic urine could eliminate those problems. Plus it could provide gainful employment for Betsy Wetsy. -> "I think in the next few years, synthetic urine will replace -> human urine" in laboratories, said Fred Klaus, purchasing -> manager for Redwood Toxicology, a Santa Rosa, Calif., drug -> testing company that tests about 30,000 urine samples a day -> and is thinking about testing Surine. "If you end up with -> something like Surine that's very stable and easy to -> maintain, you're going to go to that because that's one of -> your savers." Or they could just hire employees who know how to urinate. -> David Ashley is the chief of the CDC's emergency response -> and air toxicants branch. His agency bought 33 liters of -> Surine -- but may buy more than 10 times that amount if it -> works the way they hope it will. -> -> Ashley's agency has a long history of handling human urine, ...whereas at Harvard they teach us not to piss on our hands! -> but a new joint program with state health departments for -> monitoring harmful substances in the environment would -> require large amounts of urine quickly. NURSE! CAN OF FOSTER'S, STAT! -> "We're faced with the very large challenge of producing -> material for all of those labs that will be consistent -> across the board," Ashley said. -> -> Dyna-Tek is not the first outfit to attempt synthetic urine. -> Several companies have tried making it, typically ending -> with products based on human urine but treated with -> preservatives to reduce some of its problems. It's now sold under the brand name "Country Time". -> Most of those products have fared poorly in lab tests, said -> Dr. Robert Willette, president of Denver-based Duo Research -> and one of the country's foremost experts on drug testing. -> -> "None have been commercially successful," Willette said. -> "The criteria is it doesn't interfere with the tests, and -> the labs can't tell the difference." (HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE) "We've secretly replaced this man's urine with tangy new Surine. Can he tell the difference?" (a blindfolded French chef stumbles into view screaming "ZERE EEZ A DIFFARANCE!" but he gets run over by the imaginary Los Angeles subway.) -> Willette was one of several experts who advised Dyna-Tek in -> developing Surine, but he said he has no financial -> relationship with the company. -> -> "I'm very interested in giving advice, because I want to -> become a customer," he said. "When you look at all the labs -> that have to use control samples to calibrate their -> instruments, there's an enormous potential out there." -> -> There is another, less legitimate potential: Dyches said he -> has gotten calls from companies that want to sell his -> product to drug users so they can pass drug tests. He said -> he rejected those sales and continues to do business only -> with reputable research labs. -> -> Ultimately, however, he said security is something he'll -> have to think about, especially if the market for Surine -> grows and it's harder to keep track of where it goes. -> -> "I don't know how you avoid that," he said. Um, you could make it green? Pink? Purple? Polka-dotted? Uh oh, I think I just re-invented Orbitz. Tell the discount airfare people we're going to need their Web site back. -> Dyches said the company, which was started in 1993 by a -> hospital toxicologist, is still small, with less than -> $500,000 in annual sales. Its main business is selling glass -> test tubes and evaporator cups used in manual and automated -> drug testing. -> -> While Surine brings in just 7 percent of revenue, Dyches -> said, "I'd be disappointed if in five years that isn't 90 -> percent of sales." Right now, sales are in such an early -> stage that a price for the product has not been set. Some day, synthetic urine will be too cheap to meter when it comes out of every kitchen faucet in the nation! -> [...] -> -> In addition, drug enforcement agencies are calling for more -> companies to do drug testing at the work site, as opposed to -> mailing samples to a lab. With employees who may not have -> scientific training doing the tests, companies will want a -> more rugged product that doesn't require much coddling, -> Dyches said. Don't squeeze the Charmin and don't coddle the wee-wee! -> Dyches said he also is getting phone calls from industries -> outside of drug testing, such as a manufacturer that makes -> adult diapers. But this'll drive the Nameless Blue Liquid industry out of business. -> "We're finding lots of applications for it that we didn't -> know existed," he said. Please don't let these people have the Super Soaker company's phone number. -- K. Should synthetic wee-wee be considered 100% wee-free? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Useful Resource Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:55:39 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do you go to the supermarket, cut open cans of SpaghettiOs, dump them > > on the floor, and yell "THESE SPAGHETTIOS NO MAIN VERB!"? A big wet pile > > of the letter O is not a sentence, and you'd be crazy to dive into it to > > look for a verb! > > I some Spaghetto-0's the other day, which the cut-rate brand with zeros > instead of O's and is to poor kids in run-down neighborhoods. AUGH! You just made me want to figure out how to excrete some substance that would burn N O B R E A K B R A I N ...into the cave floor so Spock could read it to Kirk and then the two of them could shoot you with their zapper rays to make you never again make me wonder whether I was having a stroke. And yes, I just fantasized about being Janos Prohaska even though that would get me cited as an authority during a Bigfoot documentary. -- K. I like to refer to that episode as the one where Kirk should've said, "Wow, Spock, that pizza has killer diarrhea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Dispute Only Kibo Can Resolve Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:46:25 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > From an advice column in the Health & Fitness page in the local paper: > > "My wife yells at me about wearing jean shorts and work boots while > lifting weights at the gym. She says that it is not appropriate > exercise gear. I like the edgy, rugged look. What is your take?" > > I'm not so much interested in whether the wife is right or not. I'm > more interested in whether Kibo thinks this guy is maybe trying to > tell his wife something. I think maybe you're trying to tell us something. Especially since you've admitted that you not only know the code words like "edgy" and "rugged" but also that you read the advice column in the exercise section. Also, why is Bruce Jenner writing to your crappy local paper? -- K. How the hell can anything be inappropriate to wear while lifting dumbbells at the YMCA? They even let Valerie Perrine into the hot tub, and she was dressed in women's clothes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Super Knight Rider 3000 Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 05:37:27 -0400 In alt.tv.knight-rider, "KARR69" (karrandkitt@aol.com) wrote: > > are tyhey going to use the black tran am or the dumb KIFT red car from > knight rider 200o if they do they might not get no good points well > they killed the one goog guy off and it not going to be the same and > is bony going to be in the knight rider 3000 and the acters sucked in > knight rider 2000 i did not like it and they could of used kitt in > the old body in tell the knight 4000 was ready to go but the jurk had > his taken apart i got mad and did not like that what they did Wow, I just realized that if I unfocus my eyes while staring at all that stuff, I can see picture of a spaceship in 3-D. Asteroids, too. -- K. I liked when KITT tried to murder Scotty from "Star Trek" for no reason in "Knight Rider 2000". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I don't like the comedy. Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 01:06:35 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > [...] I don't cringe when a character is physically tortured, > but I do cringe when the character in the comedy narrowly misses > an opportunity to correct the situation. I cringe whenever a character in a comedy narrowly misses an opportunity to be physically tortured. I mean, who wants to sit through something where people just talk? Hollywood needs to sit up and realize that there's nothing funnier than watching someone being tortured. -- K. I was going to post a handy guide titled "Torture Methods Suitable For Wacky Comedies", but then I decided Hollywood's not getting my sure-fire secret formulas for free.