From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: wee-wee in the news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:02:01 -0400 [from ap.tbo.com] -> -> Company Making Fake Urine for Researchers -> -> By David Twiddy Associated Press Writer -> Published: Sep 12, 2004 -> -> LENEXA, Kan. (AP) -- Synthetic urine, which sounds like -> something more likely to generate snickers than sales, is -> turning into a small success for a Kansas company. ...bringing them golden showers of... oh, never mind, I just don't have the heart. I'll turn the floor over to Gene Rayburn: GENE RAYBURN: ...bringing them golden showers of BLANK. BRETT SOMERS: Oh! I got it! I got it! Water? CHARLES NELSON REILLY: Shut up, you horrible old drag queen! -> Dyna-Tek Industries, a company bought by Kevin Dyches and -> his wife, Sandra, five years ago, has developed synthetic -> urine for the research industry. If you dip someone's hand in it while they sleep, pure distilled water comes out. -> One of their first customers is the Centers for Disease -> Control and Prevention, which made a big purchase this -> summer and has hinted it could be a major buyer long into -> the future. Other research institutions and laboratories are -> also looking into Dyna-Tek's product, called Surine. "You numbskull! I said 'Surine', not 'Sarin'!" screamed Charles Nelson Reilly at Brett Somers in the greatest Sid & Marty Krofft snuff film ever! -> "We have been very blessed with this," said Dyches, who -> handles finances and marketing for the three-person company, -> discreetly tucked away (with gaffer's tape from the Brett Somers collection) -> in a suburban Kansas City office park. "It was pretty -> discouraging until about a year ago." And then, just like Disney's "Flubber", the sparkly yellow Surine started disco-dancing and Robin Williams collected a big fat paycheck for watching it dance around and Wil Wheaton gave a great performance during his only three seconds on screen and Fred MacMurray and Humphrey Bogart tried to re-enact the dancing Surine using a bowl of white sand. -> The laboratory industry has a serious need for synthetic -> urine. Researchers, drug-testing labs and other institutions -> buy thousands of gallons of the real stuff, I'M QUITTING MY DAY JOB RIGHT NOW!!! HEY RESEARCHERS, WRITE ME A CHECK AND STAND WAY BACK! -> mostly to calibrate the equipment used to test regular urine -> samples for drugs or other substances. Researchers periodically -> check the accuracy of their equipment by introducing samples -> that have been intentionally spiked with drugs and other -> chemicals. -> -> But human urine has its limitations: It decays rapidly if -> not kept refrigerated and must be frozen when shipped. It -> can smell, (and yet it has no nose) -> and it foams. Donors must be screened carefully for drug use -> or disease. Also, different body chemistry guarantees that no -> two people's urine is exactly alike, an irritation for -> researchers who rely on consistency. That's why I always add Urine Helper to my urine, to give it that rich, foamy consistency. -> A fully synthetic urine could eliminate those problems. Plus it could provide gainful employment for Betsy Wetsy. -> "I think in the next few years, synthetic urine will replace -> human urine" in laboratories, said Fred Klaus, purchasing -> manager for Redwood Toxicology, a Santa Rosa, Calif., drug -> testing company that tests about 30,000 urine samples a day -> and is thinking about testing Surine. "If you end up with -> something like Surine that's very stable and easy to -> maintain, you're going to go to that because that's one of -> your savers." Or they could just hire employees who know how to urinate. -> David Ashley is the chief of the CDC's emergency response -> and air toxicants branch. His agency bought 33 liters of -> Surine -- but may buy more than 10 times that amount if it -> works the way they hope it will. -> -> Ashley's agency has a long history of handling human urine, ...whereas at Harvard they teach us not to piss on our hands! -> but a new joint program with state health departments for -> monitoring harmful substances in the environment would -> require large amounts of urine quickly. NURSE! CAN OF FOSTER'S, STAT! -> "We're faced with the very large challenge of producing -> material for all of those labs that will be consistent -> across the board," Ashley said. -> -> Dyna-Tek is not the first outfit to attempt synthetic urine. -> Several companies have tried making it, typically ending -> with products based on human urine but treated with -> preservatives to reduce some of its problems. It's now sold under the brand name "Country Time". -> Most of those products have fared poorly in lab tests, said -> Dr. Robert Willette, president of Denver-based Duo Research -> and one of the country's foremost experts on drug testing. -> -> "None have been commercially successful," Willette said. -> "The criteria is it doesn't interfere with the tests, and -> the labs can't tell the difference." (HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE) "We've secretly replaced this man's urine with tangy new Surine. Can he tell the difference?" (a blindfolded French chef stumbles into view screaming "ZERE EEZ A DIFFARANCE!" but he gets run over by the imaginary Los Angeles subway.) -> Willette was one of several experts who advised Dyna-Tek in -> developing Surine, but he said he has no financial -> relationship with the company. -> -> "I'm very interested in giving advice, because I want to -> become a customer," he said. "When you look at all the labs -> that have to use control samples to calibrate their -> instruments, there's an enormous potential out there." -> -> There is another, less legitimate potential: Dyches said he -> has gotten calls from companies that want to sell his -> product to drug users so they can pass drug tests. He said -> he rejected those sales and continues to do business only -> with reputable research labs. -> -> Ultimately, however, he said security is something he'll -> have to think about, especially if the market for Surine -> grows and it's harder to keep track of where it goes. -> -> "I don't know how you avoid that," he said. Um, you could make it green? Pink? Purple? Polka-dotted? Uh oh, I think I just re-invented Orbitz. Tell the discount airfare people we're going to need their Web site back. -> Dyches said the company, which was started in 1993 by a -> hospital toxicologist, is still small, with less than -> $500,000 in annual sales. Its main business is selling glass -> test tubes and evaporator cups used in manual and automated -> drug testing. -> -> While Surine brings in just 7 percent of revenue, Dyches -> said, "I'd be disappointed if in five years that isn't 90 -> percent of sales." Right now, sales are in such an early -> stage that a price for the product has not been set. Some day, synthetic urine will be too cheap to meter when it comes out of every kitchen faucet in the nation! -> [...] -> -> In addition, drug enforcement agencies are calling for more -> companies to do drug testing at the work site, as opposed to -> mailing samples to a lab. With employees who may not have -> scientific training doing the tests, companies will want a -> more rugged product that doesn't require much coddling, -> Dyches said. Don't squeeze the Charmin and don't coddle the wee-wee! -> Dyches said he also is getting phone calls from industries -> outside of drug testing, such as a manufacturer that makes -> adult diapers. But this'll drive the Nameless Blue Liquid industry out of business. -> "We're finding lots of applications for it that we didn't -> know existed," he said. Please don't let these people have the Super Soaker company's phone number. -- K. Should synthetic wee-wee be considered 100% wee-free? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston Sex Orgy Story Thing Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:10:40 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > I have no idea how [poppers] were confused with meth, although this > > is the newspaper who explained to us what a junior high school was. > > Maybe the writer of the article suddenly realized "OH NO, there's > too much information in here that identifies me as knowing a lot about > being gay, and there's nothing else to write about, so I'll include > a dumb mistake so it doesn't look like I'm actually gay". Yeah, 'cause poppers are one of those drugs that don't work on straight people. Hey, wait a minute... I think that just made me straight. Sorry! I'll include a dumb mistake so it doesn't look like I'm actually straight. In football, a first down is worth seven points, plus an extra point for neatness. -- K. Popeye looks that way because of poppers. Sailor-strength poppers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:18:32 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > Segway, H2, Unimog, train > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > He keeps it in a wooden box > How many days until it rots? > One, two, three, ... I don't know what a Unimog is, but for making "We Didn't Start The Fire" start running through my brain (and not Conan O'Brien's version played on a flute by a cactus in a chef's hat) I'm going to be extra-mean to you next time we play Scrabble. Also, last night I watched the "Scientific American Frontiers" episode where Alan Alda kept his brain in a wooden box and carried it to various Boston-area locations (plus Yale) to celebrate Phineas Gage's 1848 discovery that having an iron bar blasted clear through your head can affect your personality. (Gage's skull lives across the street from me!) Anyway, I watched the episode on the 156th anniversary of Gage becoming the most famous "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" drawing of all time -- he was injured on September 13th, which was not only the day I watched Alan Alda open his brain box, but which was also the day in 1999 when the Moon got blown out of orbit, going clear through Barbara Bain's frontal lobe, robbing her of all ability to display human emotions! What does this have to do with sausage stuffing? -- K. HONK! HONK! (go ahead, explain that -- degree of difficulty: 10.0) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:40:58 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > His lawyer says he is insane > Mama says he's mean, not nuts > Daddy wants to fry his guts. > How many volts to burn his sausage butt? That makes way too much sense to be a real nursery rhyme. I bet you just made that up! Also, it's the amps not the volts what burn a butt. Volts make it burn better, though. So, who's up for sausage tonight? -- K. So who else felt ripped off when they found out that Jimmy Dean sausage doesn't actually contain James Dean? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:50:09 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > And just for Kibo: > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > The sausage sadist causes pain > The sausage vampire likes fatty veins > They all play on the sausage Match Game > How many links on the sausage chain? > (one, two, three...) Fuck yeah! That was so good it moved me to use profanity on the Internet -- for the first time. Now, will someone please write the rest of the script for "The Sausage Match Game" starring the sausage king, the sausage vampire, the sausage sadist, the sausage Brett Somers, the sausage Charles Nelson Reilly, and the sausage that Charles Nelson Reilly's smoking? THAD VANKS!!! -- K. Hey, the Walgreen's around the corner from here is on the TV news tonight. They got held up right after I took a date there. (Because the hardware store was too far away.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:49:59 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The Enb > (Lyrics by Jim "Sausage King" Morrison) > > I'll never look into your eyes again > Can you picture what will be > So limitless and free > Desperately in need of some > stranger's hand > In a desperate land > Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > And all the children are insane "Roman wilderness of pain"! I call dibs on that for the name of my villa when I get one! Thank you so much for stealing that from Jim Morrison to make me not feel guilty about stealing it from you! Unless he stole it from Phil Dick, who stole it from Steve Allen, who stole it from Ernie Kovacs, who stole it from Bert Kovacs, who stole it from Burger King, who stole it from Kurger Bing, who stole it from Abbie Hoffman, and where were we again? Oh, yeah, sausage. Sausage is good. Sausage kings are bad. -- K. Sausage kinks are okay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:47:43 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > It rattles round inside his crain- > ium. Let's throw in some dirt and plant a gerain- > ium in the empty space. > How many flowers does it bloom? (count jumps until someone trips) Two lines start with "-ium". What a perverse new rhyming scheme. It reminds me of the genius hymns composed by Archimedes Pluton- ium. It's all so insanium. With sausage in our slacks. Anyway, Plorkwort, I am humbled by your genius, and your perverseness. -- K. I tripped on two. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:34:09 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > You got yours, so this is for Plorkwort. Also, I am obsessed with > transportation today, it seems. > > Bucky Fuller's three-wheeled car > Crashed before he got too far > They dropped his house from an old airplane > Then they asked poor Bucky to explain > Why the sausage king has a shruken brain. > How many neurons does it have? > One, two, three, ... The Dymaxion car started when Bucky Fuller farted they all came out retarded the sausage king's shrunken brain! Sorry, I just can't do this the way you professional lyricists can. I'm not Vic Mizzy, and I never will be. Can I at least be Ted Cassidy? -- K. MUST CRUSH MAJEL BARRETT. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:29:54 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain. > He traded it to Conrad Bain, > Who poked it with a rusty sword. > How many vials has Todd Bridges scored? > One, two, three ... n-1, n! I guess "Barbara Bain" would have been a little too on-the-nose during The Ballad Of The Shrinky-Dink Brain. I wish I had a shrunken brain I'd be famous like Barb'ra Bain. I wish I had a shrunken ass I'd be famous like Philip Glass. I wish I had a shrunken ear I'd be famous like Richard Gere. I wish I had a shrunken nose I'd be famous PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!! I still fantasize about becoming the Poet Laureate Of The United States just so that someday I can be at a big official function in front of the President and the people who run the country so I could start reading a very serious, moving poem and then suddenly yell "PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!" before the Secret Service wrestled the microphone away from me. -- K. I apologize for almost writing "Moonshadow". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Useful Resource Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:55:39 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do you go to the supermarket, cut open cans of SpaghettiOs, dump them > > on the floor, and yell "THESE SPAGHETTIOS NO MAIN VERB!"? A big wet pile > > of the letter O is not a sentence, and you'd be crazy to dive into it to > > look for a verb! > > I some Spaghetto-0's the other day, which the cut-rate brand with zeros > instead of O's and is to poor kids in run-down neighborhoods. AUGH! You just made me want to figure out how to excrete some substance that would burn N O B R E A K B R A I N ...into the cave floor so Spock could read it to Kirk and then the two of them could shoot you with their zapper rays to make you never again make me wonder whether I was having a stroke. And yes, I just fantasized about being Janos Prohaska even though that would get me cited as an authority during a Bigfoot documentary. -- K. I like to refer to that episode as the one where Kirk should've said, "Wow, Spock, that pizza has killer diarrhea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:16:39 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Necrophilia can't be nearly > > as much fun as having sex > > with a living person who > > can move and respond and > > yell "MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS!" > > Oddly enough, that's my safeword. Well, you just took all the fun out of it. I guess I'll have to become a necrophiliac now. Either that or have sex with that deaf-mute prostitute that someone once set Lenny Bruce up with. But then I'd have to come up with an even better fart joke than he did. And I don't think I can fart funnier than Lenny Bruce did. -- K. Einstein would have liked that fart joke. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: California gross question Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:29:36 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > agglutinospora is also known as Gummiglobus agglutinosporus. > > MMM, GUMMIGLOBUS! > > What, no extended riff on the production of awful films in which > Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Christopher Reeves wear > unbelievably uncomfortable German fetish rubber suits? When I wrote that, I decided "The Apple" was too obvious a reference to mention, so I didn't and I won't. By the way, speaking of Europeans who are so European that they unintentionally become gayer than a pile of Scott Thompsons, I just bought something from Germany which included a free pair of German socks, and the package of socks had a picture of the swishiest German ever, proving that yes, it is possible to look faggy in lederhosen. > You're not really Kibo, are you? I just want to know why you think German rubber fetish suits would be uncomfortable. -- K. Lederhosen, on the other hand, from the evidence in this picture, appear to be so uncomfortable you have to stand en pointe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Dispute Only Kibo Can Resolve Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:46:25 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > From an advice column in the Health & Fitness page in the local paper: > > "My wife yells at me about wearing jean shorts and work boots while > lifting weights at the gym. She says that it is not appropriate > exercise gear. I like the edgy, rugged look. What is your take?" > > I'm not so much interested in whether the wife is right or not. I'm > more interested in whether Kibo thinks this guy is maybe trying to > tell his wife something. I think maybe you're trying to tell us something. Especially since you've admitted that you not only know the code words like "edgy" and "rugged" but also that you read the advice column in the exercise section. Also, why is Bruce Jenner writing to your crappy local paper? -- K. How the hell can anything be inappropriate to wear while lifting dumbbells at the YMCA? They even let Valerie Perrine into the hot tub, and she was dressed in women's clothes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Super Knight Rider 3000 Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 05:37:27 -0400 In alt.tv.knight-rider, "KARR69" (karrandkitt@aol.com) wrote: > > are tyhey going to use the black tran am or the dumb KIFT red car from > knight rider 200o if they do they might not get no good points well > they killed the one goog guy off and it not going to be the same and > is bony going to be in the knight rider 3000 and the acters sucked in > knight rider 2000 i did not like it and they could of used kitt in > the old body in tell the knight 4000 was ready to go but the jurk had > his taken apart i got mad and did not like that what they did Wow, I just realized that if I unfocus my eyes while staring at all that stuff, I can see picture of a spaceship in 3-D. Asteroids, too. -- K. I liked when KITT tried to murder Scotty from "Star Trek" for no reason in "Knight Rider 2000". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I don't like the comedy. Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 01:06:35 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > [...] I don't cringe when a character is physically tortured, > but I do cringe when the character in the comedy narrowly misses > an opportunity to correct the situation. I cringe whenever a character in a comedy narrowly misses an opportunity to be physically tortured. I mean, who wants to sit through something where people just talk? Hollywood needs to sit up and realize that there's nothing funnier than watching someone being tortured. -- K. I was going to post a handy guide titled "Torture Methods Suitable For Wacky Comedies", but then I decided Hollywood's not getting my sure-fire secret formulas for free. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I don't like the comedy. Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 16:24:18 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to post a handy guide > > titled "Torture Methods Suitable > > For Wacky Comedies", but then I > > decided Hollywood's not getting my > > sure-fire secret formulas for free. > > Plus the Justice Department's already savagely beaten you to it. What I hate is whenever the laugh track covers up all the screaming. How did we get on this subject, again? -- K. WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU SQUEAL LIKE EMO PHILIPS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Need airplane reading material. Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 16:40:11 -0400 Tomorrow morning I depart via a couple of airplane flights for my yearly vacation to various points in the states of Northern and Southern California. (One has a straight Austrian weightlifter for governor, the other has a gay Austrian weightlifter governor. But who can tell the difference?) So, I need reading material for my long and boring airplane flights, especially because I'll be on Delta where all they have to read is SkyMall. NO I WILL NOT BUY A ROOM IONIZER JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ME INSIDE YOUR PLANE! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES YOU CIRCLE THE AIRPORT, I WON'T BUY ONE! GIVE ME MY FUCKING PRETZELS, AND THEY BETTER BE FREE! Best would be if you posted stuff I could make lengthy followups to. I'll even make it easier for you: Fill in these blanks, "Mad Libs" style (note: not "Match Game" style!) Then while I'm on the plane, I'll occupy myself by writing some of the dozens of stories you folks have suggested. Ready? Go! Spot slid down the greasy _______________ into the ___________________, but it did not cure his ________________________. "Waah!" he cried, "What a _________________!" Note: You can write large or small but you don't have to fill up the blanks exactly. But you do have to play along otherwise I may ring your doorbell and barge into your home with a SkyMall catalog just to torture you, especially if you live in either half of California. Also, if you were disappointed that I said this was "Mad Libs" and not "Match Game", here's a "Match Game" version. "Did you hear about Spot? He just doesn't understand women. He tried to make himself more appealing to them by rubbing himself with BLANK!" ...you may answer in the form of your favorite celebrity. In any case, those of you who tell me what greasy thing Spot slid down into the other stuff may well be rewarded with a nonsensical story written for this, the Mile-High Newsgroup. -- K. Also help me finish this article: ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:46 -0700 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spot slid down the greasy _baggage ramp_ into the _bowels of the > > storage compartment_, but it did not cure his _fear of flying_. > > "Waah!" he cried, "What a _horrible way to die, pancaked onto a > > mountain side, torn into pieces smaller than a trisquit cracker > > and flame broiled by burning jet fuel. Then, being scavenged and > > eaten as kabobs by the few surviving passengers_!" > > Have a nice trip! At last Spot realized that "Trisquits" were the official snack cracker of al-Qaeda. "I should've had a Triscuit with a good American C!" yelled Spot, whacking himself in the forehead as if he had just realized he could've had a V-8. But he forgot he was, in fact, holding a can of V-8, and split his skull open. And then several of his mental Triscuits fell out. Spot would have cried, but he forgot how. He woke up in a hospital in Riyadh, in a bathtub full of ice, without his kidneys. The End. -- K. "kabob" is one of those words that wants to be onomatopoeia but isn't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:42 -0700 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tomorrow morning I depart via a couple of airplane flights for my > > yearly vacation to various points in the states of Northern and > > Southern California. > > Hey, I'm headed to CA tomorrow too. Are you gonna be on Delta flight 245? Gee, I hope not. I'm going through a magical, mythical land called Dallas. > ...P.S. I'm bringing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" I'm bringing this computer, and some paper, and some pencils and pens so I can learn to draw during turbulence. -- K. Whoops, air po cket. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:38 -0700 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spot slid down the greasy _crazy fry_ into the _chili_, but it did not > > cure his _spider bite_. "Waah!" he cried, "What a _country_!" > > And that's my idea for Kibo's story about socialized health insurance, > by Ben age 7. Spot's spider bite itched and itched, so he scratched and scratched until all his skin peeled off in one big puppy rind. "Wow," said Spot, "I didn't know such a pathetic little puppy could have such a honking big rind!" He sold the rind to Jollibee and became a millionaire, but only in Filipino dollars, which were like regular dollars except without the dollars. Spot tried to deposit his newfound wealth in the bank but they just tore up his money and laughed at him for being broke and having no skin and having an extremely minor spider bite. A tear ran down Spot's cheek as he tried to console himself by reminding himself that instead of skin, at least now he had chili. He buried his face in one of the bank's potted plants and wept until his face was covered with spider bites from the bank's own spiders, which charged him high fees for their service. The End. By the way, what's a crazy fry? How do I tell if my potatoes are sane or not? Speaking of greasy, salty fried potatoes, the plane I'm on just sold me a can of fake Pringles for $3. It's part of Delta's new program where all in-flight meals have been replaced by a selection of three random items from the supermarket, sold at the prices of a 7-Eleven inside a Las Vegas casino's monorail. (The stewardess was amazed that I managed to eat 3/4 of the can. I had to stop because the things were pretty sickening.) > > Also, if you were disappointed that I said this was "Mad Libs" and > > not "Match Game", here's a "Match Game" version. > > > > "Did you hear about Spot? He just doesn't understand women. > > He tried to make himself more appealing to them by rubbing > > himself with BLANK!" > > A banana! [WHOCK CHIKKA BAMP NA NAHNAHNAHNAH WOMP CHIKKA BAMP...] You win because you matched Brett Somers! Thank you for watching "Match Game", where the dumbest answers are the best thanks to Brett Somers! Your grand prize is a pair of eyeglasses with one lens from Brett's and one from Charles Nelson Reilly's eyeglasses! Now you have a giant circle around one eye and a giant rectangle around the other and you can finally tell yourself from your Bizarro twin who is the other way around! > > Also help me finish > > this article: > > _This incomprehensible typographic_ > > _reference to ancient_ > > _roman vikings is brought_ > > _to you by Sesame Street._ > > _The secret season that only I saw._ Correct. You may move onto the next round -- the space arbalest showdown. -- K. This sentence is brought to you by the letters schwa and crod, and by the number 999999999999999999999999999999... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:34 -0700 Ben Heaton (bh003m@mail.rochester.edu) wrote: > > [at Kibo's suggestion] > > Spot slid down the greasy slide, not into the area to the side of the > slide. The slide was made of pudding, but it did not cure his desire to > slide on delicious pudding, because it was too greasy. "Waah!" he cried, > "What a surprisingly ironic slide this is, wouldn't you agree?" "The end!" "The Other End!" shouted the slide as it started chasing Ben Heaton around for finishing the story before I could finish writing it on my way to the airport because he's a big meanie and I'm a bigger meanie. The slide engulfed Ben in a deliciously sweet morass of deadly pudding. "Blub!" gasped Ben as he was sucked into pudding. "I don't like this story any more!" He tried to punch his way out of the pudding slide, but he couldn't break through the pudding's skin. He died a rich, creamy vanilla death. The End! > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Did you hear about Spot? He just doesn't understand women. > > He tried to make himself more appealing to them by rubbing > > himself with BLANK!" > > Kibo! And it worked perfectly! Spot laughed at all of you. THE END! -- K. I just got through airport security without an extended search, hooray. But the inspector stopped me just because she wanted to ask about my hair and jacket: "Are you in a show?" I should've claimed I was one of the surviving Ramones or something just so I could forge an autograph (I love doing that) but I was short on time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 21:45:57 -0700 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But the inspector stopped > > me just because she wanted > > to ask about my hair and > > jacket: "Are you in a show?" > > Someone in California noticed what you were wearing and commented on it > because it surprised them? No, Boston. Hollywood was where I got the most recent "HOLY SHIT!" and over the past week I've gotten tons of compliments on my hair and leathers, but Boston was where I was mistaken for A Man With A Show. And this reminds me... WHERE THE HELL IS MY FREAKIN' TV SHOW? I mean, I'm even interesting to stare at. I could just walk across some network's TV screen once a night and they'd triple their ratings. So imagine what would happen if they allowed me to talk to the camera and/or interview major celebrities who aren't as cool as me. > I can't wrap my Midwestern sensibilities around that. I'm not sure many > people here in Lompoc, West Kansas would notice the way you were dressed. > Maybe the hair. Maybe not, since there's a large contingent of safety-pin > wearing greenhairs who travelled in time from 1982 just to roam our > Walgreen's in the dead of night. Don't forget the dog-collar aisle of the pet store. -- K. Oddly, the things are actually cheaper at the pervert store. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:30 -0700 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I need reading material for my long and boring airplane flights, > > My cure for jet lag, > is to get drunk on the plane and pass out at the hotel. Well, goody for you. Mine is just to tell my body not to get jet lag, because I'm firmly in charge here. If I want my body to be sick, I'll make it sick, if I want my body to hurt, I'll make it hurt, and otherwise it does nothing unless I tell it to. Geez, Lowercase Pete, how do you expect other people to obey you if you can't even make your own body obey you? Stop getting jet lag. Also learn to get drunk without alcohol to save money. -- K. I am the Ben Franklin of whichever century this is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need airplane reading material. Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:25 -0700 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tomorrow morning I depart via a couple of airplane flights for my > > yearly vacation to various points in the states of Northern and > > Southern California. > > OOH YOU SHOULD GO TO SAN FRANCISCO BECAUSE THERE'S A RESTAURANT > THERE THAT YOU WOULD PROBABLY LIKE! Are you saying you want me to visit Stanford _to_ smack you around, or are you saying you want me _not_ to visit Stanford so I _won't_ smack you around? Because right now I have a predisposition to one of the two options... -- K. I bet there's a bar I'd like, too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: painted on a translucent, leaf-like sheath Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 16:52:09 -0400 [from www.newindpress.com] -> -> India's first 'vanishing twin' born in Bengal hospital -> -> Tuesday September 14 2004 18:30 IST -> -> KOLKATA: In a rare occurrence, a young mother here has given birth -> to what is medically termed as the 'vanishing twin', a freak -> delivery in which one of the twins appears to be painted on a -> translucent leaf-like sheath. And so they named him... oh, gee, I don't have the heart. Will someone else please make the incredibly obvious joke so we can all have a good laugh? Thanks. -- K. (we're all waiting) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Urgent etiquette question -- Embassy reception Date: Thu, 16 Sep 2004 17:05:34 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > No matter how inviting it looks, a low-cut (front or back) dress does > not give you carte-blanche to place a stuffed mushroom in a woman's > cleavage (front or back). I'd say that if you were Benny Hill it would, no matter which of the two of you was wearing that dress. Also he'd work the word "stuffed" into that sentence several more times. Usually when he did that bit he used a martini olive or cocktail onion -- It's just not as racy if the food doesn't look like an eyeball. There's a certain subliminal psychology to Benny Hill. -- K. "GRAPE! GRAPE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: hello from San Francisco, the city of brotherly love Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:14 -0700 q?%lJ0^jx.3,]2U-KX2#0iYBPT[@}yU;CqZ|FDpiQED91hE+G^O1dhknq@#A=&z;OK(q*Dtbe8 I'm here, and man, this connection's slow. For the last day and a half I've been trying to post the articles I wrote while I was on the plane. If I succeed, you should see eleven rather dated articles after this one. If not, go watch TV for a while. -- K. slow slow slow ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Fullworth of shit Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:50 -0700 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > In our neighbourhood, there is a very convenient supermarket called > "Fullworth." [...] > > A few weeks back, Fullworth management decided that I now have to leave my > ever-present backpack at the front of the store because (to quote them) > "Shoplifters are well dressed and look like business people" so I am a > suspect. [...] > > Next, Fool went in with some plastic bags. He brought them along since we > have plenty at home and were trying to recycle. They made him leave the > plastic bags at the front of the store!! > > THEN!! Fool went in to buy a carton of milk. The date on the milk was > September 15th. After I opened it, I found it was all lumpy so I took it > back. The manager told me to come back in a few days because all of the > milk in the fridge was dated September 15th and would not be replaced until > it was gone. "BUT IT'S BAD!!!" What he said? "Well not everyone brings it > back." I think that next time I visit you, we have to go there so I can show you how to glower at people correctly. You know, the glower of "You don't want to do what I want, so I'm going to keep glowering like this UNTIL." I can even loan you the proper sort of hat you should wear when doing that. -- K. What's your hat size? And don't say "I don't know!" or the glowering lessons begin early. (At the moment, my glower hat is packed in the overhead compartment, I'm wearing a more friendly leather cap while I'm sitting on the plane. I feel naked because I had to take off my belt to get through security -- removing this belt is non-trivial, and because I may have to go through more security in Dallas I don't want to put it back on now, and it feels weird not to have that much metal hanging from me...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:54 -0700 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > I'm looking at the duct tape on all of the > > windows, and I've almost managed to convince myself it adds a unique > > decorating quality to things if I just leave it there! > > Duct tape does nothing. Son, it's time we told you about the birds and the bees and duct tape. You are about to embark on a great adventure called puberty, and someday when you're ready to step up to the plate, slugger, you'll be glad I told you why you should bring three rolls of duct tape to the honeymoon suite. Duct tape is your special friend. -- K. Also it keeps the inside of your car quiet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:27:16 -0700 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > [a good-natured collie] > > He's the most gentle dog I have ever seen. We used to keep him out in the > back yard, and one of the neighbor's chickens laid eggs in his dog house > (one of his quirks is that he refuses to go inside any dog houses). > > After they hatched, they enjoyed standing on his back. He loves baby > creatures, so would lay very still so as to not disturb them. I even saw > him stand up very slowly with several chicks on his back without any > falling off. It was a hoot. He has also befriended kittens we have had > over the years and has frequently had them sleep on him as well. Be sure to bake him some kitten-shaped sugar cookies someday so you can re-enact one of everyone's favorite 300 Looney Tunes plots. Then stage an opera where you have barber chairs that go up through the ceiling. In fact, any opera about killing wabbits is good, especially if you can somehow work the high-kicking frog into it. -- K. So did you keep the chicks that came from your neighbor's wandering chicken? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 21:07:41 -0700 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So did you keep the chicks > > that came from your neighbor's > > wandering chicken? > > We were going to, but they didn't survive the winter. That was the year > when it got below -10f for long stretches of a time during the winter, and > we didn't have room in the house to bring them inside. Well, you see, those of us who own shoes get them in these things called "shoeboxes" that can also be used to store chicks until Lucille Ball can stuff them down her plaid flannel shirt to hide them from a drunken Ricky right before the big dance number unless she first locks herself in the living room's walk-in meat locker in which case the chicks are still just as dead as if you left them outside because you didn't even try putting them in a frickin' Tupperware tub because your house was too full of old cereal boxes or whatever else you've been collecting from eBay to make room for even taking the chicks inside long enough to find someone who would take the chicks to a happier land. You're mean to fluffy little baby chicks and I hope you choke on a tiny little bone on all those tiny littly chicken wings you've been keeping in your freezer for a tiny little special occasion. So how did your neighbor's chicken survive the winter? -- K. It's somewhat hot here in San Francisco. 85 degrees Fahrenheit today. Good thing I only brought the medium- weight one of my leather jackets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:32:16 -0700 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > My ex-boss adopted a couple rescued greyhounds. She liked to make them > wear fake pearls and exclaim: "Aww! She looks just like Barbara Bush!' You're going to jail for claiming that Barbara Bush wore fake pearls. And then you're going to Special Jail for matching a " with a ', you nut. So what famous person would the dogs have looked like if they had been wearing real pearls? I say Anson Williams for no reason other than I like saying his name. He never wore pearls on "Happy Days" (that I know of) but I figured I'd put his name out there just in case nobody has any better ideas. -- K. A good title for the episode: "The Priceless Pearls Of Potsie" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:57:56 -0700 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] The longer you leave duct tape on the harder it is to get the > sticky stuff off. That's why you need to bring a box of Saran Wrap along on your honeymoon with Lots42. Don't forget two pairs of paramedic shears, in case you want to hurl one out the window to emphasize something. > Hmm,solvent should get the worst of it off. Okay,which solvents > do the denizens of ARK recommend using? All of them. At least three glasses a day until you're all cleaned out inside and the liquid comes out clear less than a second after you put it in. > Be creative now and don't anybody mention any hydrofluoric acid! > I'm removing tape scum, not etching glass. Why not? Etched glass has a certain rustic charm, just like barnacles. Have you thought about gluing barnacles all over all your stuff? -- K. And you could raise mussels in your bathtub, and croakers in your toilet! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 21:27:55 -0700 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > Okay,which solvents do the denizens of ARK recommend using? > > > > All of them. > > > > At least three glasses a day until you're all cleaned out inside and > > the liquid comes out clear less than a second after you put it in. > > Wouldn't straight hot sauce be just as effective to the uninitiated > digestive tract? I wouldn't know. It doesn't cause me any problems. But if you don't like straight hot sauce, you could try drinking gay hot sauce. It's 50% habaneros and 50% creme brulee. Oh, and here's a box of diacritical marks if you'd like to add them to that mixture: +---------+ | ~ ~ ~ ~ | |/ / / \ \| | / / \ \ | +---------+ -- K. If you don't believe me that gay hot sauce is 50% sugar custard, ask for a packet with your chili at Wendy's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:14:29 -0700 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > I was in a second grade class last year to get a student I needed to > > talk to. While I was there, I overheard the teacher telling one of > > the students that she needed to "fix" her painting because the sky was > > the wrong color. It made me sad. I wanted to go tell that girl to > > feel free to paint whatever color sky her second grade heart desired > > and then go smack the teacher upside the head. > > amen! poor kid. when i was in kindergarten, i got in trouble for > coloring the clouds blue and the sky purple, green, and orange. > apparently, my teacher had never seen a sunset. This would be a great "Twilight Zone" episode: "The Day Things Were The Wrong Colors". The teacher would spend 25 minutes lecturing everyone on what colors stuff should be, and then the teacher would spend 5 minutes discovering that the sky had just turned magenta with green clouds and everyone was pointing at the teacher and laughing. > i think it's a crime to turn kids off art. not everyone is going to > be a Picasso, but artistic expression is an important part of what it > means to be human. cheating kids out of that should be a punishable > offense. I so love it whenever a little kid on the subway says, "Mommy, why is that man's hair orange?" and grabs a corner of the concept that people are allowed to modify their own appearance to arbitrary degrees... -- K. And I look very arbitrary. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 21:21:16 -0700 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I so love it whenever a little kid on the subway says, "Mommy, why is > > that man's hair orange?" and grabs a corner of the concept that people > > are allowed to modify their own appearance to arbitrary degrees... > > I've encountered an odd phenemenon recently. People with odd hair reporting > that strangers are grabbing it. > > Strangers grabbing other people's hair. > > And the people who -get- grabbed do -not- respond with (at least) a powerful > slap. > > Stand up for yourself, people! Hey, nobody ever tries that with me because (a) my hair is pretty short and (b) they know that if they do, I might do something that would involve me getting my hand inside their rib cage, and not from above. Here in the San Francisco area, people are much more vocal about their opinions than they are in Boston (where instead they rely on bumper stickers) so several times a day I've gotten compliments from strangers on my excitingly weird hair color and matching flame-blazoned jacket. Today I even got a compliment entirely in Bill and/or Ted diction, like rilly, duuuude. A couple days ago, when I was hiking in the Hollywood hills, I had to take a whiz, so I left the path and went off in the bushes where none of the other tourists could see me and did my business on the edge of a cliff overlooking all of Hollywood. Yes, I enjoyed giving something back to Hollywood, though I don't think the wind carried anything nearly close enough to hit Grauman's. Anyway, after I zipped up, when I emerged from the bushes, a hiker going in the opposite direction saw me and blurted out "HOLY SHIT!" scoring me One Holy Shit Point for my scrapbook for Hollywood memories. Also I visited the Batcave (again), causing all the Teamsters who were drinking inside to wonder why Batman was wearing more leather these days. -- K. Anyway, to recap: If you grab my hair, I'll grab your aorta. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Terri and Co. Are Fine Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:22:15 -0700 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > [...] when i was in kindergarten, i got in trouble for > > coloring the clouds blue and the sky purple, green, and orange. > > apparently, my teacher had never seen a sunset. > > No wonder you turned out so eeevil! Yeah, but it's a gentle, all-lowercase sort of evil. > I don't stifle my kids' artistic creativity, but they are going to > turn out evil for other reasons. This afternoon, my oldest daughter > was being kind of snotty. I told her she might not make it to > adulthood because I might have to strangle her before then. She > responded, "It's not like I never feel that way about you, too." When > I responded calmly, "Yeah, but if you strangle me, that just means you > end up living with your dad full time," she asked me why I couldn't > just get mad and yell like normal parents do. You and I have both figured out that yelling involves a loss of dominance during the interaction (if you lose your temper, it means the other person is controlling your reactions) and that the proper way to show that you are very firm in your position is to simply demonstrate how calm and controlled you are as you say in that low voice, "And. If you don't eat that today. You'll have to wear it to school. On your head. For the next. Nine. Years." or whatever else the rule is. If you raise your voice, it's a threat. If you lower your voice, it's a rule. That makes it a rule. Because. I. Said. It. Does. -- K. However, I am still learning not to run around in circles yelling "I WIN I WIN I WIN!!!!" after such interactions, especially in court. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW! OW! OW! Spiderous Poison Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:58:01 -0700 [on spider bites] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > One of my cousins got bit by a brown recluse. It was not pretty. He > was on all kinds of medication and had to be immobilized and all kinds > of stuff. I need to remember that excuse. By the way, at this very moment (halfway between Massachusetts and Texas), I am directly over Hurricane Ivan as it tears apart people's houses. Puny Ivan! Hahahahahaha! I look down on the hurricane with contempt! > [...] > > I got bit by some kind of spider when I was in college that made the > whole front part of my thigh swell up and get all hot and itchy. HI TORGO!!! > I don't know what kind of spider it was since it didn't hang around > to do any victory dances or anything. My roommate thought it had > affected my brains when I was taking pictures of the swelling instead > of freaking out. I went to the doctor and everything, but why let the > spiders see you running there liek gurly man? The best part is, spiders have eight eyes so they can see in nine-dee. So if you ran like a girly man, the spider would be laughing at so many more extra dimensions of wussiness as yet undiscovered by even the world's wussiest scientists. -- K. You just don't hear the word "puny" often enough any more, even though most stuff is real puny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't people maintain their own databases any more? Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 19:58:03 -0700 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > Womp-womp-a-doodah! In pronks Ecstatic New Kontext-Away to eat up everything before or after the only good sentence on the Internet today! > [...] > > Al Gore was Egon's gofer monkey. > > [...] Bada-bing-bidi-bidi-shazbot! Kontext-Away peels itself off your walls, floor, and pants, then when it's done panting, it peels itself off your pants and colors itself gone -- and so are your pants! Dear Lots42, I appreciate your unholy alliance of Al Gore and Harold Ramis, but how do you explain the secret relationship between George W. Bush and Dave Thomas? (The extremely drunk one, not the dead hamburger one.) -- K. And let's not forget Rick Moranis and Abraham Lincoln having wild gymnastic sex. NEVER FORGET ABOUT RICK MORANIS AND LINCOLN'S WILD GYMNASTIC SEX! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Destroying Childhood Creativity Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:44:21 -0700 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > If you see a tree as blue, then make it blue. > > -- Paul Gauguin Oh, good, then I can stop trying to draw faces when I draw people. > I once had a second-grade teacher criticize a picture, telling me > "There is no such thing as orange pants," ignoring the fact that I was > *wearing* a pair of orange corduroy pants at the time... I think the teacher was trying to be tactful in telling you HA HA YOUR PANTS ARE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN AND OTHER LIVING THINGS. Either that or your teacher was hoping you'd make your pants disappear. That's what you get for going to a school that employed a pedophile. You should have gone to a pedophile-free school, like... um... uh... Okay, you should have stayed home from school, especially if you owned orange corduroy pants. -- K. Seriously, raise your hand if anyone here believes their school didn't have at least one might-be-pedo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Destroying Childhood Creativity Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004 21:55:49 -0700 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > My high school freshman class math teacher was rumored to be both gay > > and having a thing for the teenage girls. > > > > I did not catch the contradiction for -years- because I am dum. > > We had the same thing; the (female) theater teachers were both rumored > to be having a thing with a couple of male students, both of whom were > gay. So are these male students gay or just lucky? If you confronted > anyone who was repeating the rumor with these nasty fact things, they just > stared at you blankly. > The sad things is, both the theater teachers were fired because they > WERE banging little boys. Just not the gay ones. And both were fucking > terrible theater teachers. Okay, hold it. We need to stop the Internet until I can get rid of the mental image of William Shatner telling an acting workshop "When delivering your line, always remember to stop and strike a pose and OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD YES YES YES!!!!" > One of these days I'll tell you all the pathetic story of the time a > small Kansas high school of 250 students put on their rendition of > "Fame", and why I showed up at the show with an airbag and Lysol. Now I have an image of you as Mary Tyler Moore trying to hide an airbag in your jeans pocket but then Dick Van Dyke playfully swats you on the fanny, causing it to inflate. So the bad image is gone now. Good work, Ms. Tyler Moore. -- K. I had a terrible theater teacher, but I doubt he was gay because I can't imagine him having sex with anyone of either gender. He was like a robot whose programming endlessly recited promotional materials sent by the Kryolan makeup company. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Game Show Terror Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 00:51:29 -0700 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > A couple of days ago, through no fault of my own, I saw a portion of a > "Famiy Feud" show. > > Richard Karn asked a young woman to name a word that begins with "Q". > > She furrowed her small brow for a moment, and then replied, > > "Cute!" I would have pointed right at Richard Karn and yelled "QUEER!", but that's just 'cause he's so rugged. Other useful "Q" words to remember in case you're ever in this situation: Quadrophenia, Quasit, Qatar, Nestle Quik, Qantas, and Quizno's. Except for the one I made up. -- K. If Richard Dawson were still the host, maybe I'd yell out whatever brand of cheap vodka he drinks beginning with "Q". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston And Wonder Woman And Pointless Rambling. Date: Fri, 24 Sep 2004 18:22:35 -0700 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I bought some older Wonder Woman comics last Sunday. In one, a giant > evil monster and Medusa rampages through the streets of Boston. > Medusa turns people into stone, then the monster steps on them. > Quite a lot of people croaked. > > It was interesting in that the artist did his homework, so much > recognizable bits of Boston got smashed and bashed. Don't just leave us hanging there. Tell us which bits got smashed in graphic detail. > Then later, the gayest God ever, Hermes, came and used his magic > to fix the buildings. Oh yeah? What about Janus? He goes both ways, you know. And then there's Bacchus, who likes goatse[c]x. And let's not forget Priapus, aka Doc Johnson. > But not the people, he couldn't bring them back from the dead. Yeah, it's Hercules who goes to Hades to do that. > This can only mean the DC universe version of Kibo had been turned > into stone and stepped on. Otherwise, we would have seen his influence > far and wide. Name one thing I haven't influenced. -- K. My egg rolls are burning. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Warning! I just got off a plane! Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:24:28 -0400 Hello, Boston! It's good to be back after getting sunburn on odd parts of my body. That California sky zooms right through your skin and turns you into some sort of human lobster. I have a facial redness shaped like the opposite of sunglasses and a hat. I've even got a negative image of my armband (guess I'll have to keep wearing it on the same side for a few days.) In a minute I'll be posting seven articles I wrote while on the plane. For some reason I find the directory listing of the folder of queued files vaguely amusing: 00 warning.txt 01 kitties.txt 02 sadistic doctors.txt 03 creepy dolls.txt 04 understanding stuff.txt 05 happy toilets.txt 06 fucking toilets.txt 07 thai pigeon.txt Gotta go, they just told me the plane will crash if I don't stop typing. -- K. At least I figured out how to get extra pretzels without having to go through the humiliation of asking for an extra envelope of almost no food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with Louie the poodle Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:25:53 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > I know Leader Kibo is only connected to the InterWeb by a piece of string > that he has to wet by, no wait, let's leave that bit out. "Bit" is such an insulting word. Although, it's better than "skit". > Anyway, one of you might know the answer to a question. What's the > correct hot sauce to use with kitten stew? As spicy as possible because kitties taste worse than puppies. Or so I'd assume, since I haven't tried kitties. -- K. Puppies are nice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with Louie the poodle Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:26:58 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > When your doctor taps your knee with the little hammer and it jerks > in response and your foot hits him in the leg, DOES HE PUNCH YOU IN > THE FACE? It's usually more of a slap than a punch, unless I'm the doctor that day, in which case a clothespin is -- hey, wait, I just figured out the point of the Beatles' "Dr. Maxwell's Silver Hammer", although I'm not sure the version of the musical with Steve Martin as the sadistic doctor ("Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band") was anywhere near as good as the other musical with Steve Martin as a sadistic dentist ("Little Shop Of Horrors" [remake]) or the other other movie with Steve Martin as a sadistic dentist ("Novocaine") or that book with Steve Martin as a sadistic shoe salesman ("Cruel Shoes"). Do you think maybe there's something wrong with Steve Martin? And how come he's never played a sadistic plastic surgeon? He could have a lot of fun with that, especially if it's in a Terry Gilliam movie. Or better yet, a David Cronenberg movie. Or best yet, in David Cronenberg's basement. > Cats who become over-stimulated and/or have a trigger spot on their > bellies will sometimes respond with a quick bite. Lesson: Learn the > first time what sets them off and don't do it again. A lot of people don't get that when their pet bites, they should just leave the room and ignore the pet because if they start trying to explain things to the pet, the pet will realize it can train the human to give them extra attention when bitten. Works for babies on airplanes, too. There was a man here who was carrying this cute little boy who was at the stage of learning to vocalize, and was making perfectly natural happy squealing noises. Every time he squealed, the father would go "SSSSSSSH!" loudly and then the baby would let out another squeal beecause he was getting his dad trained really well (babies love making other people make whooshy noises.) They kept this up until one of them fell asleep, though I'm not sure which. > Do I have to tell you people *everything*? Everything about what's wrong with Steve Martin, yes. Do you think he has any appointments open? > -=D=- > -- > "That rainbow chicken is kind of bitey!" > --- My pal Ellen's four-year-old nephew, reporting > on his encounter with her small Amazon parrot The plane I'm on here and now has a wretched in-flight magazine with an article trying to, for once and for all, answer the question, "Do ferrets make good pets?" The answer is, "Some people say yes, some people say no, ha, we just wasted three whole minutes of your incredibly tedious nine-hour flight." The most important points to learn from the article: Ferrets are about as trainable as parrots, and Ben Stiller doesn't like them even though he didn't lose a single finger to that one in that movie he was in. The in-flight movie is a different Ben Stiller movie, "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story", though I have no information on whether Steve Martin has a cameo as a sadistic veterinarian. If so, I'll update this in two hours. [added two hours later:] Unsurprisingly, after the movie, on my way off the plane, I received an unusual number of heavy stares. At least nobody asked "What was it like working with Ben Stiller?" -- K. If Steve Martin, Corbin Bernsen, and Larry Drake competed in The First Annual Sadistic Doc-Off, who would win and could they hold it in my basement instead of David Cronenberg's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I'm not a doll. Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:29:02 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Dolls are creepy and I don't want to be creepy. But if you dressed up like a doll, then at least you'd have an easier explanation for why you're so creepy. -- K. And only a few of the Billy dolls are creepy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLORKWORT SEZ [Was:Re: "a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle"] Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:30:07 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > ... if you leave the bicycle in the water, it rusts, and the fish eats the > > Harley if they're left alone in the boat together. But then the sausage > > king comes rolling along with the cassions, and the worms start trying to > > teach the bedbugs to play pinochle instead of baseball, and when the > > cooties hit a home run, Christopher Cucomber goes walking alone under > > branches lit up by the moon. > > This sort of thing usually annoys the crap out of me, but for some > reason I like it when I know you are writing in English and yet I > cannot understand anything you are saying. I just sort of let the air > out of my brane* and float away on the imagery. > > *In the string theory sense of "brane." I can't understand anything anyone says, ever. Your move. -- K. If you choose to forfeit, signal it by not trying to signal it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When plumbers go bad Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:31:13 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Plumber is here. Kitchen tap is broken. Here are excerpts of his > monologue -- > > "Fucking shit!" > > "This isn't fucking covered under the Direct Energy plan!" > > "Fucking valves won't fucking shut off!" > > "Fucking goddamn building! Where are the fucking 'shut-off' valves?!?" > > "FUCK THIS SHIT!! Jesus FUCKING Christ! FUCK!!!" I can't wait to hear what he says when he finds out you also broke the toilet trying to flush your collection of porn mags down it so he wouldn't find it and tell you what the captions to all the pictures should be. -- K. A clean toilet is a happy toilet. And a happy toilet is the sort of thing that would chase you around in a nightmare. So, never clean your toilet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When plumbers go bad Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:32:18 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Magicians say "abracadabra", lawyers say "time is of the essence", and > plumbers say "fuck". Words have power to make the impossible happen. I was going to say something like "Fuckers say 'plumb'," but I didn't have the heart to use a dirty word in a sentence right now because I'm about to eat my four tiny packets of lima-bean-shaped, lima-bean-size, lima-bean-flavored airline pretzels here on this fucking airline. > ANSI standard plumbing fixtures are fuck-activated. Pervert. -- K. If you can even call that fucking. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pigdens Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:33:32 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > The people who live downstairs (NOT Linda and Christina but Marcy and Casey, > who live in the basement apartment) were obsessed with the fact that we have > pigeons hanging out on our (mine and Fool's) window ledges. These flying > rats were a source of amusement for our cats and did not bother us at all. > But Marcy and Casey were seriously *obsessed* with the pigeons and I > overheard them on numerous occasions complaining about the pigeons to our > landlord. So, the great guy that he is, our landlord wanted to make sure > all of his tenants were happy. So he contracted some guys to come over and > cover our window ledges with some wire stuff, complete with barbs. Was it Bird Barrier brand birdproofing, or one of our continent's other fine leading brands of pointy stuff? > Well that solved THAT problem! The pigeons no longer hang out on our > window ledges. Instead, they attempt to land on them and then go *BONK* > against the windows and fall down and go splat. > > Something tells me that this plan went horribly wrong somewhere along the > way... Or horribly right, if the people in the basement apartment are hoping to stick their hands out their windows and grab dinner. Mmm, fresh-killed pigeon. Hey, speaking of boiled pigeon, does Toronto still have that Hungaro-Thai bistro? The one with the waitress? -- K. The goulash was good, though.