From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Warning! I just got off a plane! Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:24:28 -0400 Hello, Boston! It's good to be back after getting sunburn on odd parts of my body. That California sky zooms right through your skin and turns you into some sort of human lobster. I have a facial redness shaped like the opposite of sunglasses and a hat. I've even got a negative image of my armband (guess I'll have to keep wearing it on the same side for a few days.) In a minute I'll be posting seven articles I wrote while on the plane. For some reason I find the directory listing of the folder of queued files vaguely amusing: 00 warning.txt 01 kitties.txt 02 sadistic doctors.txt 03 creepy dolls.txt 04 understanding stuff.txt 05 happy toilets.txt 06 fucking toilets.txt 07 thai pigeon.txt Gotta go, they just told me the plane will crash if I don't stop typing. -- K. At least I figured out how to get extra pretzels without having to go through the humiliation of asking for an extra envelope of almost no food. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Warning! I just got off a plane! Date: Thu, 30 Sep 2004 00:22:18 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hello, Boston! It's good to be back after getting sunburn on odd parts > > of my body. [...] I've even got a negative image of my armband > > (guess I'll have to keep wearing it on the same side for a few days.) > > Armband? I know it's probably made of leather, but I can't help but > picture something in blood red, with a big black "K" in a white circle. Wouldn't that make me a Nazi who was certified kosher? Anyway, it's not that. I'm not into Nazi stuff, or the people who are. A black leather armband just signifies something by which bicep it's on. Also if you wear it on your ankle it means you want to be hung upside-down. > Kibo, Kibo, Ÿber alles. You make one more insinuation that I'm evil and I'm gonna put you in the popcorn machine. Excuse me, I gotta go change the "SHOWERS" sign on the gas chamber to "POPCORN MACHINE". -- K. Oh fuck, I just turned into Jerry Lewis. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Warning! I just got off a plane! Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 01:48:13 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I don't often wear sunglasses when I'm outside as I end up with a really > big headache for some reason. (activate world's largest megaphone) (loud distorted feedback squeal) YOUR your SUN sun GLASSES glasses ARE are ON on TOO too TIGHT tight LOOSEN loosen THE the CLAMPS clamps FOOL fool. (all the wineglasses in the world simultaneously explode) I love my mirrorshades. Normally people want to stare at me but when I glance back at them they avert their eyes automatically. With mirrorshades, I can watch them staring at me because they can't seem to figure out that I'm looking back at them. People are funny. (Not "funny ha-ha", and not even "funny strange", more like "funny DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH".) Of course, they could just be mesmerized by their own reflection in the shiny glasses, like a parakeet or a George Clooney. But I don't think the average person on the subway is as handsome as a parakeet or as smart as George Clooney. -- K. And I know a good headache remedy, if you don't mind agonizing foot pain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with Louie the poodle Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:25:53 -0400 Mark South (mark.south@null.invalid) wrote: > > I know Leader Kibo is only connected to the InterWeb by a piece of string > that he has to wet by, no wait, let's leave that bit out. "Bit" is such an insulting word. Although, it's better than "skit". > Anyway, one of you might know the answer to a question. What's the > correct hot sauce to use with kitten stew? As spicy as possible because kitties taste worse than puppies. Or so I'd assume, since I haven't tried kitties. -- K. Puppies are nice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with Louie the poodle Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:26:58 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > When your doctor taps your knee with the little hammer and it jerks > in response and your foot hits him in the leg, DOES HE PUNCH YOU IN > THE FACE? It's usually more of a slap than a punch, unless I'm the doctor that day, in which case a clothespin is -- hey, wait, I just figured out the point of the Beatles' "Dr. Maxwell's Silver Hammer", although I'm not sure the version of the musical with Steve Martin as the sadistic doctor ("Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band") was anywhere near as good as the other musical with Steve Martin as a sadistic dentist ("Little Shop Of Horrors" [remake]) or the other other movie with Steve Martin as a sadistic dentist ("Novocaine") or that book with Steve Martin as a sadistic shoe salesman ("Cruel Shoes"). Do you think maybe there's something wrong with Steve Martin? And how come he's never played a sadistic plastic surgeon? He could have a lot of fun with that, especially if it's in a Terry Gilliam movie. Or better yet, a David Cronenberg movie. Or best yet, in David Cronenberg's basement. > Cats who become over-stimulated and/or have a trigger spot on their > bellies will sometimes respond with a quick bite. Lesson: Learn the > first time what sets them off and don't do it again. A lot of people don't get that when their pet bites, they should just leave the room and ignore the pet because if they start trying to explain things to the pet, the pet will realize it can train the human to give them extra attention when bitten. Works for babies on airplanes, too. There was a man here who was carrying this cute little boy who was at the stage of learning to vocalize, and was making perfectly natural happy squealing noises. Every time he squealed, the father would go "SSSSSSSH!" loudly and then the baby would let out another squeal beecause he was getting his dad trained really well (babies love making other people make whooshy noises.) They kept this up until one of them fell asleep, though I'm not sure which. > Do I have to tell you people *everything*? Everything about what's wrong with Steve Martin, yes. Do you think he has any appointments open? > -=D=- > -- > "That rainbow chicken is kind of bitey!" > --- My pal Ellen's four-year-old nephew, reporting > on his encounter with her small Amazon parrot The plane I'm on here and now has a wretched in-flight magazine with an article trying to, for once and for all, answer the question, "Do ferrets make good pets?" The answer is, "Some people say yes, some people say no, ha, we just wasted three whole minutes of your incredibly tedious nine-hour flight." The most important points to learn from the article: Ferrets are about as trainable as parrots, and Ben Stiller doesn't like them even though he didn't lose a single finger to that one in that movie he was in. The in-flight movie is a different Ben Stiller movie, "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story", though I have no information on whether Steve Martin has a cameo as a sadistic veterinarian. If so, I'll update this in two hours. [added two hours later:] Unsurprisingly, after the movie, on my way off the plane, I received an unusual number of heavy stares. At least nobody asked "What was it like working with Ben Stiller?" -- K. If Steve Martin, Corbin Bernsen, and Larry Drake competed in The First Annual Sadistic Doc-Off, who would win and could they hold it in my basement instead of David Cronenberg's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm glad I'm not a doll. Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:29:02 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Dolls are creepy and I don't want to be creepy. But if you dressed up like a doll, then at least you'd have an easier explanation for why you're so creepy. -- K. And only a few of the Billy dolls are creepy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLORKWORT SEZ [Was:Re: "a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle"] Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:30:07 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > ... if you leave the bicycle in the water, it rusts, and the fish eats the > > Harley if they're left alone in the boat together. But then the sausage > > king comes rolling along with the cassions, and the worms start trying to > > teach the bedbugs to play pinochle instead of baseball, and when the > > cooties hit a home run, Christopher Cucomber goes walking alone under > > branches lit up by the moon. > > This sort of thing usually annoys the crap out of me, but for some > reason I like it when I know you are writing in English and yet I > cannot understand anything you are saying. I just sort of let the air > out of my brane* and float away on the imagery. > > *In the string theory sense of "brane." I can't understand anything anyone says, ever. Your move. -- K. If you choose to forfeit, signal it by not trying to signal it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLORKWORT SEZ [Was:Re: "a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle"] Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 01:38:26 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I can't understand anything anyone says, ever. > > > > Your move. > > I love you when you're non-trivial, counter-intuitive, and > non-transparent. > > MMmMMmm... fudgy! Ironically, at this very moment I'm eating a box of chocolates. Irony is like a box of chocolates as long as the word "irony" is misused. That literally drives me up the wall! > Welcome home, Barrrrnacle Bill. I'm not home yet, I'm just in Boston. Home would be Neptune. (The one in outer space, not the one with the stringy hair and trident.) -- K. Hey, did anyone ever see the movie "Event Horizon"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When plumbers go bad Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:31:13 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Plumber is here. Kitchen tap is broken. Here are excerpts of his > monologue -- > > "Fucking shit!" > > "This isn't fucking covered under the Direct Energy plan!" > > "Fucking valves won't fucking shut off!" > > "Fucking goddamn building! Where are the fucking 'shut-off' valves?!?" > > "FUCK THIS SHIT!! Jesus FUCKING Christ! FUCK!!!" I can't wait to hear what he says when he finds out you also broke the toilet trying to flush your collection of porn mags down it so he wouldn't find it and tell you what the captions to all the pictures should be. -- K. A clean toilet is a happy toilet. And a happy toilet is the sort of thing that would chase you around in a nightmare. So, never clean your toilet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: When plumbers go bad Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:32:18 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Magicians say "abracadabra", lawyers say "time is of the essence", and > plumbers say "fuck". Words have power to make the impossible happen. I was going to say something like "Fuckers say 'plumb'," but I didn't have the heart to use a dirty word in a sentence right now because I'm about to eat my four tiny packets of lima-bean-shaped, lima-bean-size, lima-bean-flavored airline pretzels here on this fucking airline. > ANSI standard plumbing fixtures are fuck-activated. Pervert. -- K. If you can even call that fucking. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pigdens Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:33:32 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > The people who live downstairs (NOT Linda and Christina but Marcy and Casey, > who live in the basement apartment) were obsessed with the fact that we have > pigeons hanging out on our (mine and Fool's) window ledges. These flying > rats were a source of amusement for our cats and did not bother us at all. > But Marcy and Casey were seriously *obsessed* with the pigeons and I > overheard them on numerous occasions complaining about the pigeons to our > landlord. So, the great guy that he is, our landlord wanted to make sure > all of his tenants were happy. So he contracted some guys to come over and > cover our window ledges with some wire stuff, complete with barbs. Was it Bird Barrier brand birdproofing, or one of our continent's other fine leading brands of pointy stuff? > Well that solved THAT problem! The pigeons no longer hang out on our > window ledges. Instead, they attempt to land on them and then go *BONK* > against the windows and fall down and go splat. > > Something tells me that this plan went horribly wrong somewhere along the > way... Or horribly right, if the people in the basement apartment are hoping to stick their hands out their windows and grab dinner. Mmm, fresh-killed pigeon. Hey, speaking of boiled pigeon, does Toronto still have that Hungaro-Thai bistro? The one with the waitress? -- K. The goulash was good, though. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pigdens Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:05:42 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > "Uralic" would be the perfect name for a mildly intoxicating drink > > > brewed out of fermented piss, but I'm afraid some beers have already > > > occupied that niche. > > > > Anyone with sugar in his urine needs medical attention. > > Especially if it is still in cube form. First off, I thought we already discussed carbonated urine over ten years ago. And after careful reconsideration, I have decided it's still not a good idea, especially with Necco's new citric-acid-coated Super Sour Gummi Catheters. Secondly, anyone who has ever seen a cubical sugar cube is really old. If you look hard, you can find domino-shaped Domino sugar "cubes" but I do not believe I have ever seen an actual cubical sugar cube. I think they were outlawed in the 1960s because you could dot them with 21 little spots of black LSD and use them for both illegal drugs and illegal gambling at the same time, thus destroying the fabric of society even faster than "Star Trek". Thirdoidally, there are more entertaining ways to get intoxicated without drinking any sort of urine, whether chunky or original style. Fourthtacularly, the version just for girls would be "Uralique". It would still be carbonated urine, but it would be pink so that chicks would enjoy it. And not to five the sandbox, but, if Uralic went out of business, do you think they'd sell their domain name to some airline-reservation site that would be so broken that I could never actually use it? I'm just saying that the original version of Orbitz was something one _could_ drink, though nobody wanted to, while the current incarnation of Orbitz is just wack, yo. -- K. What if someone has a hint of French vanilla in their urine? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who let the...? Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:09:27 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I had to have something delivered to a client yesterday. She warned me > that she has Rottweilers. Her exact words were -- > > "Please have the delivery person call ahead of time because we have the > dogs 'set to kill.'" She also warned you that she's a "Star Trek" geek. Run away! Run away! Rotties are cute. Although, I don't think they're smart enough to take phone calls. Even Nipper the RCA dog had to wait for his master to turn on that Victrola so he could listen to his master's voice when his master was in the room but didn't feel like saying "Sit". But I think that if I wanted to get a vicious attack pet I'd get a parrot. They can curse out the burglars while they're biting them. Also they can exactly imitate the sound of a three-billion-decibel burglar alarm. Any time they get bored, hungry, lonely, or not hungry. -- K. How do you set a dog on stun? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who let the...? Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 21:22:06 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Her exact words were -- > > > > > > > > "Please have the delivery person call ahead of time because we have > > > > the dogs 'set to kill.'" > > > > > > How do you set a dog to stun? > > > > Muzzle it, but otherwise let it run free. > > Did anyone else notice that Kibo stole this joke for his little > appended whatever you call that thing he does with the indented funni > at the end of his posts? I mean he stole the "How do you set a dog to > stun?" part, not that nonsense that Impson wrote. Yeah, and I "stole" it before I even read it, you dink. I don't read all the way to the end of the thread before posting followups to the articles I want to say something about, mainly because if I waited for everyone else in the world to agree that the thread was "done" so that I could then read all the articles so I wouldn't accidentally say the same words in the same order as someone else, then I'd never post anything, and then you'd cry, and you'd blame me for making you cry, and I don't want to be the one to make you cry like a little girl here. That's Anson Williams's job. With a Soviet-made diesel-powered pizza cutter. Also, Tamara's client stole those dogs from "Star Trek". But that's okay because "Star Trek" is a total knock-off of "Star Wars", the most original movie ever made. -- K. And it was a question, not a joke. I don't make jokes. (I certainly didn't make the one named Kevin.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who let the...? Date: Thu, 30 Sep 2004 00:14:50 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I certainly didn't make > > the one named Kevin.) > > Now, Kibo, we all have to "make a Kevin" every now and then. It's a > natural part of life. Yes, it may be -- to quote the man with the ears -- a natural function of the Creator's home planet, but we should still be ashamed when we make a Kevin, especially if it stinks up the little bathroom in the only Thai restaurant in town, the one where the cute little toddler girl keeps hiding behind the counter and peeking out at your gorgeous orange hair without ever realizing that you can watch her in the big mirror on the opposite wall, and stop trying to change the subject, I was talking about Spock and his close personal friend William Shatner. Is it just me, or is Shatner getting shorter? In "Dodgeball", he seemed to be about half the size he was on "Star Trek", even if the hair counts. -- K. "Star Trek II" has been forever ruined by modern developments in medicine because instead of giving Kirk a pair of antique eyeglasses, McCoy should just have told him to get eye surgery, just as lots of people who have never had eye surgery have told me to do, because apparently it's perfect and painless and free of complications to people who haven't had it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tar-flavoured ice-cream (Finland). Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:19:27 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > There was an article in The Guardian a few weeks ago about Tampere, > which I visited last year for a few days on business. It's a very nice > place, although I didn't get to see the Lenin museum (but a colleague > went to the Moomin museum). What is that? All the fun of Mumenschanz now in convenient museum form where you can just look at some empty leotards hanging on the wall? And if Mumenschanz did indeed move from Switzerland to Finland, wouldn't they have to switch to wearing shinier black outfits with jackboots and chaps? > Anyway, on to tar as a foodstuff. > > --> Invigorated by the sauna, I must now, according to the > --> saying, take some tar. Which brings me to Harald's dessert: > --> tar ice cream. While some officials are trying to ban it, > --> most Finns believe tar -- as in macadam -- has excellent > --> healing properties. Granted, the ice cream is not black and > --> treacly and doesn't look like it could clog up your lungs or > --> cause a particularly painful death. After a bellyful of > --> boar, it actually has some palate-cleansing properties. But > --> it is foul, disgusting, horrible. It tastes just like tar. > > I tried this delicacy and really liked it. I completely disagree with > the writer about this. The sauce is actually made from tree resin, > which unfortunately gets translated misleadingly as "tar". It tastes > like tree resin, not like the smell of industrial tar (which I've never > tasted). > > Anyone else tried this? Would you? (Both Charlie Papazian and I > endorse spruce tips in homebrewed beer.) I've had the Quebecois supermarket brands of "spruce beer" (a carbonated sugar-and-chemical thing like Sprite except with tree sap flavor instead of Alka-Seltzer flavor) and I did enjoy that flavor, but I'm not sure the Finnish stuff would be as good because if it really tasted good they wouldn't have to mix ice cream into it. They'd just serve a whole bowl of the goo. Mmm, bowlgoo. I still haven't even had lutefisk. I did try the Ikea store cafeteria recently so at least I can now say I know what the world's worst attempt at pretending to be Scandinavian food is. Blecch. -- K. All-purpose Scandinavian recipe: * tar * lard * lye * bleach (for whitening) Mix all ingredients into a wad. Serves everyone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wal-Mart Story Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 12:33:10 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So, I was by the electronics desk in Wal-Mart, watching a dvd of > 'Monster's Inc'. You should go to a better store that would carry the film -- that one's a knockoff of, "Monsters, Inc." That way you wouldn't be ripped off by watching a bootleg movie for free. Hey, Lots, Wal-Mart ain't a liberry. Buy your bootleg kiddie film or get out. People like you are the reason Wal-Mart's going to start having a cover charge. > An employee answered the phone and a conversation ensued. > > The employee was attempting to figure out the geographical location > of a Wal-Mart store. As opposed to its temporal location, which would have meant that the person asking was from the year 60,004 AD and crashed their time machine into an ancient primitive Earth Wal-Mart just to buy a copy of a DVD classic such as "Monster's Inc", "Star War's", or "Indiana Jone's". > I assumed that someone was looking for the next Wal-Mart over. > > Then the employee said 'You're in the bathroom?' > > He hung up and asked another employee to follow him and they headed > towards the back, where the bathrooms are. > > My curiosity burns like an STD That's because it is. Stop cruising Wal-Mart men's rooms and get to the free clinic before you infect your next boyfriend when you pay him for casual sex. -- K. And besides, Fry's has a better class of perverts trying to pick you up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Call Yourselves Geeks? Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 21:47:58 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Not a single post about SpaceShipOne being launched into space? Nope. We're all still too broken up over Russ Meyer's death. And Red Adair's. And Jerry Goldsmith's and Julia Child's and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's and Fred Whipple's and Fay Wray's. Not one post about some rich guy's toy spaceship. Not even yours, geek. > Jaded bunch of weinies. Well if you don't like this planet, you can leave. I'm booking you on SpaceShipThree. (SpaceShipTwo is reserved for whoever named "SpaceShipOne".) -- K. Now Red Adair and Russ Meyer will never get to make that "Rescue Heroes" porn movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Call Yourselves Geeks? Date: Thu, 30 Sep 2004 00:45:24 -0400 "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Not a single post about SpaceShipOne being launched into space? > > Bo-ring. Better to make fun of Richard Branson's plans to offer > Virgin service in space. Just yesterday I saw a "Simpsons" rerun with one of my favorite moments from that series, where they go to EPCOT Center and witness the Eastern Airlines world of the distant future, where everyone drinks Eastern Airlines cola, and giant robots with 747s for heads are whipping the puny humans to the tune of Turtles music. That's a nice dig at Branson's cockamamie "Virgin Cola" from about five years ago (which was actually the same as "President's Choice" cola, both of which were just Cott's cola in different cans.) I've always admired the bozotic levels of chutzpah it took for him to say to himself "I want to sell a cola named after an airline company named after virgins." My theory is that Richard Branson's plans to offer service to the Moon is because he's now so insane that he's modelling his life on that "Simpsons" episode making fun of him (not to be confused with the other one making fun of him, where the Springfield version of a Virgin Megastore even includes a shoplifting department) in much the same way that George Lucas is now so crazy that when "South Park" did that episode about him fucking up "Raiders of the Lost Ark" by adding computer-animated Ewoks to it, he thought, "Hmm, what a great idea!" and then added computer-animated Ewoks to "THX-1138". Quick, name a movie more inappropriate than "THX-1138" for computer-animated Ewoks to be pasted into. Also name a movie other than "Baby Geniuses" that could be improved by those digi-Ewoks. -- K. Maybe Branson should start manufacturing DeLoreans so that he can yell "EIGHTY-EIGHT JEEGAWATTS!" and "I THINK I RAN OVER A WOOKIE!" and then George Lucas can re-edit him so that the Wookie runs him over in the Special Edition. Oddly uninteresting true fact of the evening: I just got the new edition of "THX-1138" in the mail today. It came with a free ear tag sort of vaguely similar to the one in the movie (this one's a ragged-looking aluminum thing that clings to your ear with a magnet, unlike the stapled-on smooth-edged white plastic tag in the movie.) By a bizarre coincidence, the place where I put the DVD (and its free useless ear tag) until I have a chance to watch it is on top of a big cardboard box that says "INSECTICIDE CATTLE EAR TAGS". Spooky! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Call Yourselves Geeks? Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 14:20:27 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Quick, name a movie more inappropriate than "THX-1138" for > > computer-animated Ewoks to be pasted into. > > Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi. There haven't been six "Star Wars" movies yet, you bozo! I believe you meant to say "Star Wars III: That Damn Death Star Again". I know it's #3 because the working title of "The Empire Strikes Back" was "Star Wars II" just like the working title of "Die Hard 3" was "Lethal Weapon 4" and/or vice versa. I can't remember, which was the one with Samuel L. Jackson as Lawrence Fishburne as Danny Glover? > > Also name a movie other than "Baby Geniuses" that could be improved > > by those digi-Ewoks. > > The Passion of the Christ. Yes, needs Ewoks, but on which end of the whip? -- K. Also, I missed the first 1137 "THX" movies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You Call Yourselves Geeks? Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 14:51:04 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I missed the > > first 1137 "THX" movies. > > Help me round out this list: > The Madness of King George III > Henry V > Leonard Part VI > Seven > Jennifer Eight > THX 1138 *Sigh*. Tell you what, my next movie will be titled "I Won The Sandbox". -- K. The "Beverly Hills" shows got tedious after the first 90,000, to say nothing of all 65,000 "Transylvania" movies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Burger King makes me homophobic Date: Thu, 30 Sep 2004 01:09:57 -0400 There, I said it. Burger King makes me homophobic. Because of the really creepy commercials where the guy wakes up in bed next to the Burger King. Obviously the ad wizards have done it again. Now we know that if we eat their fake Egg McMuffin, we'll have to have sex with a guy in a velvet robe. Here, lemme see if I can at least funny up that commercial: "If you ate at Burger King and then woke up with Crisco all over your butt, would you tell anyone?" "Hell no!" "Wanna go to Burger King?" Sure, it's an old joke, but I can't think of too many other jokes with the moral EAT OUR DRY, CHEWY HAMBURGERS BECAUSE WE SUPPORT REPLACING THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT WITH A GAY MONARCHY WHO WILL PUT DATE-RAPE DRUGS IN YOUR CRAPPY LITTLE BURGER. I know that McDonalds is floundering, so they'll probably respond to this Burger King ad campaign with a series of commercials where Ronald does Grimace while the Turdburglar yells "felcherfelcherfelcher!" Excuse me, but that was too gross. I better go take a cold shower and turn the TV off for the next year because they're probably reading this right now and putting that commercial into production. Brr! -- K. Good thing Dave Thomas is dead, otherwise in his next Wendy's commercial he'd dress up as "The Cruising Gourmet". (degree of difficulty: 9.0) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Burger King makes me homophobic Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 00:47:13 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There, I said it. Burger King makes me homophobic. Because of the > > really creepy commercials where the guy wakes up in bed next to the > > Burger King. > > What does that make White Castle then? DEE-LICIOUS! Excuse me, I seem to have turned into Jon Lovitz for a second. I'm better now. White Castle is awesome. It's only the Pink Castle in Chinatown that makes me homophobic. It's a tiny jewelry store in an old White Castle building that's been painted salmon pink. There are a couple other ex-White Castles around Boston, too, I'm constantly amazed they haven't fallen apart since the chain moved out of this area long ago. I've always thought it would be so cool to open a miniature golf course inside an old White Castle, where one of the obstacles would have a little white castle with a McDonalds signs on it, so that Douglas Hofstadter could run around inside yelling "AUGH! CONFUSION OF LEVELS AND ALSO MARK DILUTION!" before getting crushed by a giant golf ball. -- K. CRUSH! KILL! BACH! GOEDEL! ESCHER! DESTROY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: mmm, sewage factory candy. Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 00:41:14 -0400 [from cnn.com] -> -> 34 children die in Baghdad car bombings -> -> Rumsfeld: Violence in Iraq 'getting worse' -> -> Thursday, September 30, 2004 Posted: 1:46 PM EDT (1746 GMT) -> -> BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- A series of car bomb attacks in Baghdad on -> Thursday killed 34 children at a ceremony where candy was being -> given away, the Iraqi Ministry of Health said. -> -> Seven adults also died in the attacks and 153 people were wounded, -> the health ministry and hospital officials said. -> -> The Associated Press reported that U.S. troops were handing out the -> candy as part of opening ceremonies at a new sewage plant. And who says life isn't all happy and fun in Iraq now that we've scrambled the country's insides all up? Not only do they now have a new sewage plant, but they even got some Commemorative Sewage Candy! At least, I assume the kids got to taste the candy before they got blown up. It would suck if they got killed before they got their candy. All kids should be allowed to get their toilet candy before being exploded. -- K. "series of car bomb attacks"? It must have been really good sewage candy if the kids were still waiting in line after the first explosion. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The phrase "gay hair" is your sign of a good headline Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 00:41:16 -0400 [from www.thisislondon.co.uk] -> -> Soccer team's 'gay hair' ban -> By Sarah Hills, Metro -> 29 September 2004 -> -> While England's football supremos fret over manager Sven-Goran -> Eriksson's lively love life, Nigerian officials have found -> themselves in an even hairier situation. -> -> But their plight has little to do with fending off rumours of torrid -> affairs. Rather, they are trying to get their young players to stop -> wearing hair braids, dreadlocks and earrings -- as it makes them -> 'look gay'. So instead they should all shave their heads and have little Mike Piazza goatees. Also if they kick the ball with their left foot, it means they're gay, and if they kick the ball with their right foot, it means they're straight, and if they bounce the ball off their head, it means they're a robot. -> Many of Nigeria's top stars, including captain Jay-Jay Okocha, -> striker Nwankwo Kanu and former Derby player Taribo West, have -> braided hair but the style is deemed too much. Hmm, which hanky color goes in which pocket to indicate someone's a "striker"? -> Some sports administrators feel players should be banned if they -> arrive with unusual hairdos. 'They should even be suspended for some -> years,' said official Ahmed Lawan. Then he held up the large leather sling he'll use to suspend them. -> Referees at a forthcoming junior tournament should remove offending -> players even if they are the best on the field because their -> behaviour was culturally unacceptable and promoted homosexuality, -> he added. Gee, I just realized that I turned gay because once I saw someone with dreadlocks playing some stupid game. -> Mr Lawan's comments echoed that of a government official from the -> information ministry, Otunba Olusegun Runshewe. -> -> He said last week: 'Don't forget that in the developing world the -> braiding of hair and earrings have a sense of homosexuality.' Therefore, bald people can't be gay. Problem is, I'm getting mixed signals from Mr. Clean. -> But not everyone agrees. One male spectator said: 'I don't see it as -> if these guys are gay. I see them portraying African culture in -> another perspective.' And it's got to be one or the other. You can't be gay _and_ African. Gay people are native to Europe. That's why all gay people are white. -- K. I AM NOT A ROBOT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a whole new class of compliment Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 01:20:27 -0400 "I was a superstar with Andy Warhol in the '60s, and he would have loved that outfit." And I wasn't even fully-dressed, because it's not worth dressing up to go across the street to Trader Joe's for their pleasantly gloppy mushroom soup. I wonder what'll happen if I dye my hair sapphire blue next week like I want to. (I don't know whether I'll be able to or not, but I want to try.) -- K. I bet Andy wouldn't have loved Trader Joe's soup. It comes in such boring little tubs, without the charming triteness of Campbell's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 14:52:16 -0400 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today's Ultra Violet looks the most like the woman I met, > > but I could easily be wrong (my face thing.) > > Though not faceblind, I also have a hard time recognizing people: my brain > apparently classifies people's faces (mostly the males, I'm better > at telling females apart) into sets of approximately similar features, > and I get people in the same set mixed up. > > You might have noticed in the past that I sometimes pretend to confuse > vaguely similar (nick)names on Usenet, a secret reference to this real > life "feature". > > The more I am familiar with someone the less likely it is that I will > confuse him with someone else, but it does occasionally happen and it > is quite embarassing. I've upset many friends and acquaintances by > not greeting them when I should have. On the other hand, complete > strangers like me because I often salute them out of the blue. That's actually the main symptom that you have what I have (to a lesser degree.) I'm not completely face-blind (except when under duress) -- this is something different people have to different degrees, and I'm nearly face-blind, while you're less impaired. This condition (in its milder forms) is quite common. > Also, I do not identify with my image in the mirror, something that > I heard to be quite uncommon; basically, I do recognize myself when > looking at a mirror or a picture but I can't otherwise remember my > own face very well. Whenever I change my haircut or my own color, it startles me whenever I walk past a mirror because it's now a picture of a stranger. Drawing a picture of a face from memory, even my own, is out of the question. > [...] > > > I hope you're not too jealous that no dead artists idolize your clothes. > > Because I don't think it's possible for you to be too jealous to satisfy > > me. Be more jealous. > > Yeah, I had the correct mental image. I'm not jealous at all, since I > tend to dress as inconspicuously as possible. Most of the time, at least. I pay a _lot_ of attention to other people's clothes, since I have to memorize them in case we get separated in a crowd. Even people who think they dress "ordinary" have their own clothing habits I learn: So-and-so likes plaids, so-and-so likes tans, so-and-so likes stripes of quaternary colors, etc. Though I'm not a highly fashionable person (I wear the same look over and over) I have been required to develop a keen fashion sense because that's one of the ways I study other people to figure out who's who. When it comes to my own wardrobe, I treat it like a graphic design task, and subject my own look to the same sort of graphical treatment I would any other design project. I like solid colors (I will not wear stripes or patterns), I have a specific palette (neutrals and metallics combined with a single fully-saturated primary or secondary; no tertiaries, browns, etc., ever) and I like as little detail as possible (I don't like buttons, laces, etc.) I suspect a lot of this comes from watching early color TV, when people on "Star Trek" and "Batman" and so on always wore this brightly-colored, contrasty, simplified clothing. Anyway, I have one of the simplest, most obvious aesthetic systems there is in clothing, and yet most other people are not aware of other people's clothing preferences, so when people give me shirts as gifts they're almost always stuff I could never bring myself to wear (once someone gave me a tan shirt covered with a frieze of giant line-art canoes...) > > It's disappointing to > > learn that Warhol's > > superstars buy their > > groceries at Trader Joe's, > > and not inside a mylar > > zeppelin filled with a > > mixture of helium and Raid. > > You obviously did not read Warhol's diaries. I wouldn't be surprised > to learn he used to buy his groceries at Trader Joe's. > > BTW, what's Trader Joe's? <- YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THIS Then I will. Stupid overrated supermarket chain which simultaneously pretends to be (a) a health food store, (b) a gourmet food store, and (c) a discount food store. Basically, like all supermarkets, it's part of a giant conglomerate that operates many supermarket brands around the world. When some random supermarket in Germany has too many expired cans of their house-brand soup rotting in the back, they become a Trader Joe's item. Basically, they just sell house-brand stuff manufactured for other supermarkets, relabeled as a "Trader Joe's" (or "Trader Ming's" or "Trader Giotto's") product. All the employees have to wear Hawaiian shirts, and the place is decorated with fishing nets, and they call cashiers to the front by ringing a nautical bell. The place just radiates that form of stupidity that makes you think they think they're frickin' Disneyland when really it's just a supermarket with some cloying visual gimmicks. Also, all their products are in the $1.99 to $2.99 price range. I go there because it's the closest market to my office (I eat lots of convenience food at work.) Oh, and one more trivial detail about Trader Joe's: Just like buying a Macintosh, shopping at Trader Joe's instantly makes you gay. -- K. And if you ever see Theo Albrecht's face, you turn to stone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:50:13 -0400 Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:35:24 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.9 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "I was a superstar with Andy Warhol in the '60s, and he would > > > have loved that outfit." > > > > Are any superstars still alive except for Beck's mom? > > International Velvet? Viva? Ultra Violet? > > No idea. Many are still alive. I think Mary Woronov even still has all the parts of her original face. I poked through a Web site with bios of all of Warhol's superstars, and, of the ones who haven't passed away, none are listed as living in Boston. Today's Ultra Violet looks the most like the woman I met, but I could easily be wrong (my face thing.) I should've asked her, but at the time I thought I shouldn't look a compliment from a dead man in the mouth. Also I couldn't bring up Warhol because I was holding a tub of a brand of soup nobody likes. (In Trader Joe's, Warhol wouldn't find anything he'd want to paint. I can barely even find anything I'm willing to eat.) > But my mental image of Kibo's appearance and attire would rather suggest > Candy Darling, Jackie Curtis or Holly "from Miami, FLA" Woodlawn (who is > still alive). Think if Darth Vader decided to be Evel Knievel and was so cool that he was constantly on fire. The sort of outfit where I never have to say "SIT ON IT!", I just walk past people and they automatically sit on it, whatever "it" is. The sort of outfit Gene Simmons would own if he were macho. The sort of outfit that would make John Philip Law fall to his knees and ask, "Please sir, may I touch it?" The sort of outfit that Gerry Anderson would smash all his rocketship models to see. The sort of outfit that would give Alex Toth hiccups. My clothes have so much personality they're almost more important than I am. Just think of whatever you're wearing, and then think of the exact opposite of you along the fluorescent-orange-and-black butch axis, and that's me. I hope you're not too jealous that no dead artists idolize your clothes. Because I don't think it's possible for you to be too jealous to satisfy me. Be more jealous. -- K. It's disappointing to learn that Warhol's superstars buy their groceries at Trader Joe's, and not inside a mylar zeppelin filled with a mixture of helium and Raid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Expensive hotel tap water. Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 01:24:10 -0400 [I wrote this last week but I don't think it actually got posted when I tried back then.] So the hotel suite I'm in came equipped with two little bottles of Aquafina brand bottled tap water. Each has a little note attached saying that if I drink one, I will be charged about three dollars to replace the bottle. Today, I notice that one of the bottles appears to have been unsealed. Apparently while I was out, the maid drank it, then refilled it with toilet water and spat in it, or something, in order to steal three dollars of the world's most overpriced tap water from me. Also some foot-long brown hairs materialized in my downstairs bathroom sink. I guess that out of all the suites here, the maid likes my sink best when she needs a place to wash her hair. I'd go check the upstairs sink for more maidhair, except then I'd spend time fretting over the way none of the light switches will turn off that bathroom's light. So, other than not leaving a tip, and turning on the "child lock" on the microwave oven, what should I do to teach these people a lesson about not drinking my ripoff water and not leaving monster hairs in one or the other of my sinks? -- K. This room also has a location-unaware "Hotel Edition" TV Guide, where none of the program listings say what channels things are on. Oh, and some of the windows have the curtains nailed to the frame along both sides to ensure the window will be a tragic waste of glass. And there's only one remote for the three TVs! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: old news story about something stupid! Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 01:42:28 -0400 Here's a news article I wanted to make fun of last week, but I was out of town and therefore away from my thesaurus so I couldn't look up new words for "boobies". [from mdn.mainichi.co.jp] -> -> Chest challenged chicks -> ring in bigger breasts -> -> By Ryann Connell -> Staff Writer -> -> September 23, 2004 -> -> Some of the silly tunes Japanese pay to download to use as the ring -> tone for their mobile phones sure have their knockers, but it's for -> precisely that reason that a well-known counselor is raking it in at -> the moment, according to Shukan Gendai (10/2). -> -> Hideto Tomabechi -- who first made headlines in Japan almost a -> decade ago after he cured brainwashed members of the AUM Shinrikyo -> doomsday cult that unleashed deadly sarin gas on the Tokyo subway -> system -- claims to have developed a tune for ring tones that promises -> to increase the breast measurements of those who listen to it. Another reason I never want to visit Japan -- I'm happy with my chest just the way it is, thank you very much. However, I did just invent a shade of beige that makes your penis longer when you look at it. You can look at my beige for fifty zillion yen. COME ON JAPAN, GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY OR YOU'LL NEVER SEE MY MAGIC PENIS-ENLARGING SHADE OF OFF-WHITE! (Note: After looking at Magic Penis Beige, never again look at plain white or your penis will fall off and explode.) -> And Tomabechi's brainchild for better busts has boomed, with chest -> challenged chicks swarming to transfer data to their own phones. -> -> "I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that I was -> being duped," says Chieri Nakayama, a 19-year-old pin-up model, -> tells Shukan Gendai. "But, incredibly, my 87-centimeter bust grew to -> 89 centimeters! It was awesome!" "And now my breasts are bigger than my IQ!" -> Mobile phone ring tone tunes, or chakumero as they're called in -> Japanese, are almost an integral part of the arsenal of Japan's tens -> of millions of cellular phone users. Each of the big phone companies -> operates sites where their customers can for a few hundred yen per -> month download songs they use in place of the blase ring tones -> pre-installed in the phones. Normally, people select hit songs or TV -> themes, but Tomabechi's tit tune has hit a raw nerve somewhere, -> attracting an almost unimaginable 10,000-plus downloads in the first -> week it was made available, despite the numerous titters. Sadly, that's the best English-language boobie pun yet invented in Japan. In Hell, the Americans make the digital cameras and the Japanese make the boobie jokes. -> "Most would think it's a lie, but the techniques involved in the -> process have been known for some time and are the result of research -> I carried out in the '80s and '90s," Tomabechi tells Shukan Gendai. -> "I use sounds that make the brain and body move unconsciously. It's -> a technique involving subliminal effects." -> -> Tomabechi claims that techniques exist to provoke movement in a -> certain part of the brain that reacts to sounds and light. It reacts especially well to "HEY MORON, YES, YOU, MORON, DO YOU WANT BIGGER BOOBIES, YOU MORON?" -> "It's a part of cognitive science. I suppose you could call it a -> kind of 'positive brainwashing,'" he says. "Sound waves travel in -> patterns that can be properly re-played." -> -> It's an old adage that many illnesses are all in the mind, but if -> the counselor's claims are correct, the key to having a huge set of -> breasts could be the same. Tomabechi says he's already got plans on -> the drawing board for ring tones aimed at improving memory, -> increasing attractiveness for the opposite sex, making hair sprout -> and quitting cigarettes. Can he please compose me one which will make me never, ever turn Japanese? -> Even if the rockmelon ring tone doesn't prove to be as effective as -> its inventor claims, what can't be denied is its success on the -> chakumero charts. Rockmelon? Hmm. In Japan, all watermelons are square (to save space, because Japan is only ten feet wide) so I wonder if Japanese rockmelons are an even weirder shape. -> "We offer loads of chakumero for sale at 300 yen a month and the -> tune promising huge breasts would have to be in our top 10 at least. -> It's doing far better than we ever expected," Yuichi Tsujimoto, a -> spokesman for Media Chic, which offers Tomabechi's tune online, -> tells Shukan Gendai. "We haven't done any advertising for it, so I -> suppose the tune's success has come about through word of mouth. -> We've even received mail from one user who said they listened to the -> tune every night before going to sleep and it made her tits bigger." So, since people are idiots, how come nobody's throwing money at me? HEY IDIOTS! THE SOUND OF MY VOICE WILL MAKE YOU SMARTER, BUT ONLY IF YOU MAIL ME ALL YOUR MONEY! -- K. My new ring tone makes you die from lizard bites if you don't listen to it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Man sues White Castle for excessively hot, greasy onion ring. Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 01:45:32 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [from www.suntimes.com] > -> > -> Michael Strauss, of Chicago, filed suit on Wednesday against > -> the burger company, alleging he suffered "great pain and > -> anguish in mind and body" when he bit into an onion ring two > -> years ago and "scalding hot grease splattered out and onto" > -> his arm, "scalding and severely burning him." > -> > -> Strauss wants more than $50,000 for the "severe and > -> permanent injuries" he suffered after ordering White Castle > -> "onion rings that were in an unreasonably dangerous and > -> defective condition." But the bonehead will undoubtedly settle for a coupon for some more onion rings. Unless the judge throws this lawsuit out of court because everyone knows no White Castle has ever served food that's more than lukewarm. (They cook everything in an Easy-Bake.) -- K. I'm hungry now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Helium Poop. Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 12:14:08 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I just weighed myself before and after using the toilet and I gained a > pound. What's up with that? Son, you're not supposed to cram the toilet paper in that hard. (Unless you're William Shatner as Harry Houdini, in which case, go for it.) And did you get taller, too? If so, you really are cramming too hard. Another theory is that Kurt Vonnegut is turning your local gravity up and down. Go to a physics lab. If only your weight is changing, then it's just gravity fluctuating, but if your mass is also changing, then perhaps you're transmuting elements in your colon and are about to lay a golden egg. Next question: Why did you weigh yourself before and after doing your business? -- K. And did you weigh yourself before and after you farted on that cake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color schedule. Date: Sat, 02 Oct 2004 13:00:17 -0400 Circle your calendars: Today, I'll re-dye my hair fluorescent orange. Next week, ultramarine blue (hopefully.) In two weeks, fluorescent orange again. After that, I don't know, maybe gold or something. If you'd like to see some other colors, put in your requests now. Also mail me a leather jacket to match. And NO GREEN HAIR. Even if they offered me a co-starring role on "Quantum Leap" I would still never dye my hair green. Even if it would help to end all wars forever just to piss off Howard Hughes, I will not have green hair. I will not have it in a box, I will not have it with a fox. -- K. Hair is a nuisance. I wish I were going bald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color schedule. Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:33:51 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > I wish. I'm a member AND president of the Tonsure Club for Men. Well it's > either that or shaving my head, and while many white guys can get away with > the look, I'd more than likely end up looking like some sort of neo-nazi > psycho. You could try tattooing "NOT A PSYCHO" on your forehead. I recommend the sort of fake blackletter used on bad heavy-metal albums. > Plus I don't want to grow the mandatory goatee that appears to be > a requirement for having a shaved head. "appears to be"? You haven't been reading your Gay Handbook closely. That rule's on page 3 of the agenda. If you've lost your Gay Handbook, you can pick up another copy at whichever field office recruited you. -- K. Sy Sperling hasn't been on my TV in a couple years. And he's not mentioned on HairClubForMen.com. Did he go bald or something? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Canada important? Date: Sun, 03 Oct 2004 03:33:04 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > I watch American movies and TV and I don't get the impression that > Canada is important because they don't mention it often but then I > watch British movies and TV and they keep mentioning Canada and I > start to wonder whether it's important. I've almost stopped watching TV now. My TiVos have served their purpose well -- when you first get TiVo, you get settled in, and you watch fewer hours of TV a day but see more stuff you like during that time. But after a while, you've seen everything you wanted to see, and since good new TV is being made at a snail's pace, once you get tired of asking for more "Seinfeld" reruns or whatever, you're just sort of done with TV. I'm seriously considering telling the cable company to fuck themselves. I've already greatly reduced my service level (the one thing I miss now is "The Daily Show", the one remaining show I watch nightly is Conan's.) Anyway, now that I'm watching so little TV, does this mean I'm making Canada cease to exist? Oh, also, I've been buying DVDs faster than I can watch them, so that's another reason I don't need to watch a lot of TV. I used to buy most of my DVDs through Canada (they're a lot cheaper that way) but the Canadian company eventually decided they're rather tell me that Americans couldn't order from their US warehouse than offer me tech support when I asked about an order I had placed. (They clearly are set up to do business with Americans, as they have distribution centers on both sides of the border, they're just so incompetently run that they'd rather pretend they can't do business with me than answer my questions.) Since I no longer buy DVDs from Canada, does this also make Canada cease to exist, or does it continue to exist as long as I have my "Kids In The Hall" and "SCTV" and "Lexx" DVDs? -- K. I want Canada to keep existing because I only care about the Ottawa Senators, not the Binghamton Senators. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Canada important? Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:22:04 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want Canada to keep existing > > because I only care about the > > Ottawa Senators, not the > > Binghamton Senators. > > You'll be singing a different tune if the NHL strikes this season. > OK, maybe not. Look, even if you invented a time machine just so you could travel back in time to prevent the NHL from having already gone on strike, I'd still like the Ottawa Senators better than the Binghamton Senators. I mean, their graphic arts skills and fashion sense are incomparably better. I'd like them even more if you could keep them from trading my favorite skater (Magnus Arvedsson) to Vancouver a couple years ago, and keep my favorite goalie (Patrick Lalime) from taking his Stevie Wonder impression so seriously that he started forgetting to look at the puck during the playoffs resulting in him getting traded this summer and replaced by some Dominic Hasek guy nobody's ever heard of. (I would've just promoted backup goalie Martin Prusek -- he plays great and that would have saved a few million dollars -- but gee, I don't know that much about the hockey business, maybe spending as much money as possible during a season where the players refuse to play is a sure-fire route to success.) Anyway, AHL teams like Binghamton provide a fantastic entertainment value -- a good game for about twelve bucks and you get to sit wherever you want -- but I still prefer to pay two zillion bucks to see Ottawa because they're real Canadians, not fake Canadians like the Binghamtonites, and therefore they're automatically more hockeytastic. Wouldn't Spartacat be lame if he were American? I think so. You haven't known mass insanity until you've been at the Corel Centre surrounded by 18,000 drunk Ottowans watching their team pummeling those darn Bruins. Americans don't even know how to yell at hockey games. Canadians are LOUD. And Spartacat can kick the ass of whatever cheap mascot the Binghamton Senators have. (It's probably something like a guy wearing a little plastic smock that says "AMERICAT" on it.) -- K. And any change in my singing would still result in me being the worst singer in the world, but you can't mock me because my tone-deafness is a legitimate neurological handicap and you'd go to jail for violating the Americans With Really Silly Disabilities Act. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Canada important? Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 05:05:44 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And any change in > > my singing would > > still result in me > > being the worst > > singer in the world > > uh-huh. well, I once got booted from the chorus line of a capping > revue. > > a CAPPING REVUE, I ask you. I don't know what that is, but it sounds gay. Which side do you wear your cap on -- are you a capping top or a capping bottom? Does this have anything to do with "Laverne & Shirley"? > the line for Worst Singer in the World starts *here*, mate. Scissors cuts your line. I spit on your line. I am not only a worse singer than you, the only songs to which I know all the words are game show theme songs. I challenge you to dueling "TV Monopoly", anywhere, any time, any key. -- K. I sing in the key of Z. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibologists are pretty KeWl peeps Date: Mon, 04 Oct 2004 01:04:00 -0400 Steve (steve@idontthinkso.net) wrote: > > I am a complete Atheist, but I think that you Kibologists are pretty KeWl. That's the nicest compliment I've received all day, though it wasn't as intellectually stimulating as when the cop at the Asian supermarket said, "You guys better have your bikes parked outside," without actually yelling "WINK WINK!" aloud. And then I wound up explaining the concept of durians to a stranger. > Love and peace, > Steve. Grammar, son. It's "Love, peace, and Steve." -- K. If you're an Atheist with a capital A, how come "Steve" is a Christian name? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: tattoos Date: Mon, 04 Oct 2004 01:11:51 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > My next door neighbor got a tattoo on his forearm when he was in the navy > in WWII. I'm told that it used to look like something other than a > blackish-blue blob once upon a time. > > When my kids say: "Dad, a tattoo would be So Cool!!!11!!! > > My reply: "Do you really want to have a nice blob like Jay when you get > older?" "Dad, don't be stupid, I'm just going to get a tattoo, not get older." I'm still tempted to buy a tattoo gun 'cause I want some simple tatwork but I don't want to let anyone else do it. I'm just thinking of some very basic solid black geometric work (nothing involving shading or other stuff that takes more practice) but because it's my own body I want to be responsible for the quality of line and so on completely -- I'd rather have a roughly-executed tattoo with my own execution than have an expert do it. (It's hard to explain to people who aren't graphic designers that even if someone very skilled attempted to copy my artwork exactly, it wouldn't have the _feel_ of my own handiwork in terms of the hundreds of microscopic decisions about the edge quality, the "brushstrokes", etc.) Anyone want to volunteer to be my practice skin? The rubber stuff just doesn't scream right when you make an oops. -- K. Also, maybe what I want really is best described as "a nice blob". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Complaint About Building In Children's Shows Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 14:27:39 -0400 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > I would like to complain about the quality of building work displayed > in Children's television shows. The Wiggles, in their "Brick Laying > Song", throw away thousands of years of bricklaying expertise by > simply stacking the bricks one atop the other, with no overlap between > bricks. Why not teach the kiddies about Stretcher Bond, Flemish Bond, > or English Bond? Once these Wiggles-trained bricklayers start building > houses using the "WIGGLE BOND", (which is NO BOND AT ALL) we can > expect to see lots of houses falling down in the slightest breeze. And what's wrong with that? It'll increase the value of my property once everyone else in the world is homeless and cold and naked. I have dozens of cardboard boxes stacked in my living room and I'll make a fortune selling them to the homeless. > Also, Bob the Builder attaches sheets of corrugated iron to the rooves > of houses he is building by nailing the iron in the valleys rather > than on the ridges. This is obviously going to lead to many leaky > rooves once the next generation of plumbers who have learned > everything they know from watching television begin to ply their trade. I believe they can't use proper construction techniques because then the unions would require Bob to join or else break his legs with a sledgehammer with a smiley face on it. > How about if we all write letters to the Television Companies and ask > that they use standard, time-tested, proven building practices in > these types of shows, rather than spreading this sort of > disinformation that if followed, would lead to substandard and > possibly DANGEROUS buildings. > > And don't get me started on "Thomas The Tank Engine". Have you considered asking someone to reattach the channel selector knob you pulled off? Then you could change channels and watch big people shows. -- K. "Pee-wee's Playhouse" comes out on DVD soon, but I'm going to wait for the second release next year because it's supposed to have commentary tracks, and I'm hoping they'll be dirty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another learning experience Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 14:33:53 -0400 Bill Shymanski (wtshyman@mb.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > What I learned on my summer vacation: > > No matter how much someone needs to be driven to the psych ward, they > will > *not* thank you for it afterward. Dammit, Bill, I told you, it's not a costume, it's a uniform. I have to wear this so the other Neptunians will recognize me. And they won't know to look for me in the psycho ward instead of Dunkin' Donuts. Also, you should know that I think that your line-wrapping just might be crazy. -- K. Now here's the word "nougatine": "Plinko". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another learning experience Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:48:02 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dammit, Bill, I told you, it's not a costume, it's a uniform. I have > > to wear this so the other Neptunians will recognize me. > > "We're even when I say we're even." I don't get it. Also, if you think that my mission in life is to make my relationships with other people "even", you have sorely misunderstood the purpose of evil. -- K. And now you OWE ME. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Shapeshifting Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 14:43:50 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > If you had shapeshifting powers and you needed a pen, could you turn > into a version of yourself that's exactly the same except holding a > pen? Also, is there a word for the feeling that if you were a bigger > geek you'd know where your speculations had already been addressed? Yes, because there is a second-season "Space: 1999" episode where Maya is carrying a pen and she turns into a Japanese guy in Kendo armor with a quarterstaff, and then afterwards she hands Tony the pen and says "The pen is mightier than the sword," even though (a) the pen turned into a staff and not a sword and (b) presumably any of the daily TPS reports she writes will change back into blank paper afterwards unless she was actually shedding penfinger blood in order to write. This was the only logical error in "Space: 1999", other than the premise and all the plots and action and special effects. But the lighting was kind of okay. "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" made things more logical by giving Odo the ability to change mass. It was silly that Maya could turn into a mouse without anyone noticing that the mouse weighed as much as a woman with giant hair. It makes much more sense that Odo can somehow clench his muscles to change the Universe's gravitational constant in an area limited to the current shape and size of his body. Oh, and remember in "Star Trek VI" when Kirk kissed his evil twin? Originally that was going to be the entire movie. Brrrr! -- K. If I could change shape, why would I hang around with a bunch of losers such as Barbara Bain? I'd change into someone who was friends with Jack Black. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Shapeshifting Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 15:15:03 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Try cross-posting this to some of Hammond's groups to see what he says. > > He's a physicist, right? > > Yes, in much the same way that I'm an astronaut, a cowboy, and a > ballet dancer. HEY EVERYBODY LET'S ALL POINT AT KEVIN S. WILSON AND SING THE FIRST BAR OF "YMCA" OVER AND OVER! THAT WOULD BE CLEVER!!! -- K. And, Kevin, you better have your spaceship parked outside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Shapeshifting Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 23:20:10 -0400 Dr. Otto Bahn (nospam@ham.bacon) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > HEY EVERYBODY LET'S ALL POINT AT KEVIN S. WILSON AND SING THE FIRST > > BAR OF "YMCA" OVER AND OVER! > > I get the YMCA reference, but sing the first bar..? > "Young man, there's no need to feel down." WTF? I was talking about the _straight_ people's version of "YMCA", the one which goes "YMCA, YMCA, YMCA, YMCA, YMCA", not _your_ weird version, Elton. > > THAT WOULD BE CLEVER!!! > > Somebody take the obvious bag off my head before I suffocate. Or before you pop your body. -- K. Are you enjoying the lasagna crunch? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where are the hawt chix0r masseurs? Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 15:02:37 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I will let you know if there are hot chicks at the place I am going to get > massaged at 2:30 this afternoon. I know this one other place to get a > massage but I think all their ladies are still in jail for massaging the > wrong place at the wrong time. I am sure you know what I mean. I don't think they go to jail for more than about ten minutes for that. Otherwise they might be kind of fussy about only giving "full release" to the best-looking clients, and none of the people who go to see prostitutes are good-looking because if they were they could get dates, and the nation's entire economy would collapse if prostitutes wouldn't touch the 90% of the population that are dateless wonders. Also, if the massage parlor's sign says something in secret code like "HEALING FULL-BODY PROSTATE MASSAGES WITH EXPLOSIVE RELEASE AND A BLOWJOB", that usually means they got geishas. > Also I will tell you if the stationary bike I bought yesterday was > worth the price after I go get it in a few minutes. This middle age > spread didn't take long to get really fucking old. Nice fucking bike, but which size dildo did you have bolted to the seat? -- K. And why don't Harleys have that lever you can pull to make them spin like a real Mattel Big Wheel? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Craziness Date: Tue, 05 Oct 2004 15:12:15 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > So basically, the last episode of St. Elsewhere ends with > "Dr Westphall" returning home to his autistic son, only > instead of being a doctor he's a construction worker, and > he and his dad briefly talk about how the boy is in his > own internal world, and it zooms in into this closeup of > a snow-globe with a model of the hospital in it. So the > gist of that is that the whole series was actually this > autistic kid's inner life, rather than a real hospital. What are you smoking? There never was such a show as "St. Elsewhere". Have you been staring at immobile, inanimate objects all day again? > But all these other TV shows had crossovers with "St. > Elsewhere" (or crossovers with shows that did), so > "Seinfeld" and "The Jeffersons" are part of this kid's > imaginings too, as "is Cop Rock". I've never heard of "Seinfeld" or "The Jeffersons". However, at least "Is Cop Rock" is a real show which we have all been watching continuously for 20 years. It's the only show that's ever been on TV. ALL HAIL "IS COP ROCK", OUR TELEVISION OVERLORD. > It also means that Tommy Westphall imagined that > Bob Hartley dreamed "Newheart". Here in the real world, there is no "Newheart", except on cable, but I don't get the Unnecessary Surgery Channel so I can't tell you if Dr. Giggles is still hosting that show. It's too bad he was never on "St. Elsewhere" because that would prove my theory that you're imagining all this stuff. But I can't prove my theory because I'm not real either. The only reality is that you're living in a tiny glass Mason jar with air holes poked in the top by Jar Jar Binks. Sorry. -- K. How could you not notice you were up to your waist in your own waste? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Craziness Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:42:33 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I prefer to think of them along the lines of "Rosencrantz and > > Guildenstern are Dead," i.e., they are all semi-autonomous entities > > coexisting on the sidelines while the main plot continues elsewhere. > > Of course that's how I think of myself and how I think of > > Joseph Michael Bay, and pretty much everyone except Kibo who > > burns with the singular true radiance of the protagonist. Or, > > at least the burly sidekick with the mohawk. > > Wait. When did Kibo get "burly"? Butch makes me burly in the eyes of people who know how to look at me. We all know that imposing physical size (in terms of height or muscularity) leads to easier emotional dominance over other people. Tall or muscular people get waited on faster in stores, people are less likely to push past them into crowded elevators, people judge them as more handsome. It's an instinctive reaction. But because we spend our lives associating "physically large" with "dominant", the association also leads the other way: If you impose your will on others, you're viewed as bigger. A famous experiment demonstrated that even a title of respect makes people think you're taller. Several classes of psychology students were introduced to the same guy, but one class was told he was a visiting student, one was told he was a visiting graduate student, one was told he was a visiting assistant professor, and one was told he was a visiting full professor. The classes were then asked to estimate how tall he was, and each of those differences in his social status was worth half an inch. A friend I was out with recently (who was both shorter than me and being consensually emotionally dominated) looked up at me and told me, "You could probably lift me easily, couldn't you?" The thing is, I couldn't -- I'm not strong at all, I'm just tall and in this case I was being dominant enough that the idea I was "burly" seemed to make sense to him, despite that I'm very skinny. Being tall helped, and being confident was the rest. Basically, if you get people to respect that you're in charge, you're automatically thought of as being burly. And in the case of our fictional friend with the Mohawk haircut, that too would help him be perceived as burly -- if you look odd in a manner which suggests you are deliberately adopting an eccentric appearance so as to manipulate the impression you make on people, that's a form of dominance, and while such does not lead to a perceived increase in your social status, it does make people find you physically imposing so that they think you're taller and burlier. Being physically burly isn't as important as having the right mindset. So, Ted, give me a minute to put on my big jackboots and the armored gloves, then look me in the belly button and tell me I'm not burly. -- K. Oh, and it'll help if you play along. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: This news article is kinky enough that it's probably bogus... Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 00:07:03 -0400 [from www.reuters.com] -> -> Stockings, High Heels for Afghan Women Riot Police -> -> Oct. 3, 2004 -- By Mark Chisholm -> -> KABUL (Reuters) -- Fishnet stockings and high heels are not the norm -> for riot police, but this is Afghanistan. That reminds me, today at the abortion clinic the nice lady doctor asked me where she could get some leather boots like mine. My local Planned Parenthood office is almost as scary as Afghanistan -- it has this fortresslike, bombproof, windowless stainless steel facade with those lines on the sidewalk designed to keep protesters at least six inches away from the visitors. Getting in involves going through a security search and a metal detector and then an airlock (you can't open the door to the waiting room until the door from the security screening room has latched behind you.) I think all this security is just to keep people from wandering into the waiting room to steal handfuls of free condoms. (They only have one brand in one flavor, unlike my local bar which even gives out the chocolate-covered ones.) Oh, and I'm not pregnant. Anyway, when the doctor told me she wanted a pair of leather knee boots I was about to blurt out something like "You'd look so HOT in those, YOWZA, BOI-OI-OINGGGGG!" but then I figured an abortion clinic wouldn't be the best place to pick up chicks, especially because she was about to jab me with a needle. (She taught me some tips on how to stick needles into people. I taught her some terms for new things to worry about.) So to get back to the topic at hand, Afghanistan's new Klingon Dominatrix Female Riot Police will either bring peace of Afghanistan, or else just appear on some really overpriced videotapes. -> Masouma was one of five women being trained by U.S. forces early -> Sunday to cope with civil disturbances during the country's first -> ever presidential vote on Oct. 9. Surrounded by nearly 200 men in -> dark blue uniforms, matching caps and black military-style boots, -> the small female contingent stood out with their colorful -> headscarves, lipstick, silver fingernails and gold earrings dangling -> under headscarves. -> -> "We have asked our American friends to give us boots and hats so we -> have proper uniforms," Masouma told reporters during a break in -> training. All the women wore a blouse and a long skirt, but some had -> on stockings and high-heeled shoes underneath. -> -> "They (the men) are well equipped, so we must be too." So what happened? Did the Weekly World News print the real article when Reuters ran the joke one? -> In an apparent breakdown in communications, U.S. Sergeant Damian George -> did not believe there was a major problem. -> -> "The women expressed that they have been in high heels their whole -> life, and they feel they can accomplish the mission in those." I swear I am not making up this incredibly obviously fake news report. Want to know just how obviously fake this is? In the original printed version, the last sentence read th [...] THEY CAN ACCOMPLISH THE MISSION IN OSE. Also it had "THIS IS A FAKE" written all over it with a felt-tip pen in Tom Baker's handwriting. The surest proof it's fake: Dan Rather said 583 times that it's real. -- K. Then he put a paper towel on his head and wiggled his ears. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This news article is kinky enough that it's probably bogus... Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:29:26 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, today at the abortion clinic [...] > > Okay this torture thing has gone to far! What torture thing? I don't know what you're insinuating, but I'll assume I shouldn't like it, so apologize or I'll staple your ears to each other with a Bedazzler. I still want to know who chose the lousy color combination for Planned Parenthood's "I HAD AN ABORTION" t-shirts. Someone should tell them that pastel blue on chocolate brown is a horrible color combination for a shirt. I'd wear mine more often if it had more macho colors, like red on black. -- K. Planned Parenthood could learn a lot from the Ottawa Senators. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I did it. Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:51:44 -0400 Pope Emperor FrogMaN (uncle_toade@hotmail.com) wrote: > > After six months, continous and unrelenting, I read every single ARK post > from the last time I posted until now. > > I think I should lie down now. So now are you going to start fighting crime with an atomic-powered pogo stick? Will you always carry a cork in your pocket because "CORK IS FUNNY!!!"? Are you now, or have you ever been, an eternally- combusting root vegetable of any sort? > Ahh.... to be young and jobless. The question is, where were you when you were catching up on a.r.k, and what were you supposed to be doing instead? This is why I like to read a.r.k when I'm on the subway. That way it feels like it's saving time instead of wasting time. At the moment, I'm in bed. I mean, I'm actually physically in the bed while I'm posting to a.r.k. There are also days where I'm "in bed" while posting to a.r.k but physically riding the subway at the same time, if you know what I mean. -- K. META-DISCUSSION IS FUNNY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's the Ass? Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:59:26 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > i'd like to take this opportunity to say that, if one's > husband and/or wife is at home, in bed, and in so much pain > that he and/or she is crying, then calling him and/or her an > ass for not answering the phone is just a *little* bit unfair. > i'm just sayin'. If you'd like to talk about it, you can call me any time. But because I usually have my phone's ringer turned off, you'll need to get in touch with me in advance so I can turn it on. Just call me before you call me. Also, never marry anyone who has a bumper sticker that says "HOW DARE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS OF YOUR OWN WHILE I'M BUSY BEING A JERK!!!" > oh, and to whomever b0rke the sodapopcoke machine--watch your > back. you have been warned. I've never before known someone to curl up in bed crying because their favorite Coke machine was broken, but I suppose it could happen, especially in the computer industry. -- K. Or I could come over and answer the phone for you while you're busy crying. I'd imitate your voice and everything. It would be like a radio-style Crazy Morning Zoo prank, only with the emotional cruelty having happened beforehand rather than on the air. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STUPID CNN! Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 15:29:47 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > I keep seeing kibological stories on Headline News and then when I go to > > CNN.com there's NOTHING THERE! Like about the $600,000 truckload of > > candy that was stolen in London today. Somebody comes that close to > > stealing ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD and there's not a word about it on > > CNN.com or any other news source indexed by Google or Yahoo! > > Baby Geniuses III: The Great Candy Heist > > Coming direct to a DVD near you, August 2005. Someone will have to die for this. The DVD, I mean, not the candy. I am all in favor of people stealing candy. Especially if they give it to me. I estimate that a typical candy bar is about 2.5 cubic inches for $.60. Let's call it $.25 per cubic inch to make the estimation easier. So, $600,000 of candy is 2.4 million cubic inches, or about 1400 cubic feet. That's about the volume of a small truck. So from this we can conclude that the baby geniuses who stole the truck were not smart enough to pick out one filled with super-expensive candy. They should have stolen two trucks, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't. -- K. Remember, if you ever steal any candy, turn in all the evidence here: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News Of The Sit On It! Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:56:43 -0400 I'll explain the point of these two "news" stories in a little while. [from australianit.news.com.au -- what's an Australia Nit?] -> -> Tahini travel to stop those monkeys -> -> defrag | Kerrie Murphy -> SEPTEMBER 07, 2004 -> -> OH, HELLO. You'll have to excuse Defrag today as we're a little -> busy. You see, we have almost completed work on our time machine -- -> just one more jar of tahini paste should do it. -> -> Our plan is to travel back in time to when Defrag was a mere Defragette, -> so we can tell our younger self that when it comes to 21st-century -> technology, it is important that we don't believe the hype. -> -> On second thoughts, maybe that's not such a good idea. -> -> For a start, Public Enemy would still be some years away from fame -> and so the song reference would be lost on Defrag the Younger. Sure, -> we could explain who Public Enemy were, but by the time we got into -> Flavor Flav and the wearing of large clocks as necklaces, our -> younger self would have got bored and wandered off to finish tying a -> Fonzie doll to the ceiling fan to see what happens when the fan is -> turned on. -> -> And you try explaining to people that the Fonzie-shaped bruise on -> your forehead is the result of a time-travel incident with your -> younger self. I've tried that, and I've found that it gets even better reactions to just say "I got beat up by Fonzie back when he was five inches tall." [from www2.townonline.com] => => Dropping off the kids at the school of hard knocks => => By Peter Chianca/ At Large => => Wednesday, October 6, 2004 => => I've been dropping my daughter off at kindergarten for the last => three weeks, and I think it's starting to affect me. And not just => because I can't imagine how she's capable of attending school alone => when just yesterday she was bald, drooling and speaking a language => that consisted almost exclusively of the word "goo." => => No, I think the reason I'm rattled by walking her into school each => morning is because it reminds me of something I've managed to put => out of my mind for the past 18 years -- namely, going to school. => Well, not completely out of my mind; I do still have those dreams => where I'm trying to get to a final exam but I can't find the => classroom. Plus I'm not wearing pants. (In my dream, not currently.) => => Not that I don't think back fondly on my school years - after all, => that was the time of my life when, thanks to the efforts of many => fine teachers, I didn't have to work for a living. There were just a => few moments I'd rather not relive if at all possible. I'm thinking => of things like: => => 1) The time on the nature trail that I somehow managed to step on a => bee hive, infuriating dozens of bees who immediately took out their => frustration on my large, exposed head. I believe the sight of an => entire class of screaming fourth-graders running from the trail => waving our arms wildly, a swarm of yellowjackets stuck to our => polyester ensembles, is still talked about with some awe in those => parts. (In the mixed blessing department: They did let me skip gym => that day.) => => 2) The time I accidentally ice skated into Dominica Ochigrosso and => got my braces caught on the hood of her snorkel jacket. It took => several humiliating hours for the school nurse to completely => extricate me, and sometimes, late at night, I think I can still => taste the fake fur. => => 3) The time in first grade when I really, really thought I could => hold it. => => 4) The time I went to the school costume parade as Fonzie, making => the mistake of using a jar of Vaseline that had been around since => the Pliocene era to slick my hair back. Trust me, that Fonzie look => isn't so "cool" when you're still trying to get rid of it at => Thanksgiving. => => 5) The time I asked a girl to the sophomore semi-formal and she => responded by saying, "Oh, what the hell?" Most experts agree this is => the one response that is actually worse than the flat-out "no." Especially if she says it to Fonzie. For a woman to dis someone as cool and sexy as Fonzie, he'd have to be a really ugly Fonzie. So what do these two excerpts have in common? Ayyyyy. The Fonz is in the news a lot. I was playing with Google News's clipping service and requested it to notify me of all "news" stories containing the word "Fonzie", and it turns out that the presence of "Fonzie" is a great way to detect "news" articles written by people I wouldn't mind buying a drink or two. So my question is, what other words or phrases should I ask Google to mail me about whenever they show up in anything pretending to be a newspaper? I already have "Charles Nelson Reilly", "diaper gravy", "Draculaland", "Trader Joe's", "White Castle", "crunchtastic", "shazbot", and "wedgie". "wedgie" and "Fonzie" are the two best ones so far for finding articles written by people who don't know they're Kibologists. What would be other good keywords for finding news stories I'd want to read enough that I'd go to the effort of making fun of them here? -- K. And yes, I've already tried the obvious "fuck" and "fart" and "Kibo". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:34:10 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I don't care what color Kibo's hair is. That's good, because I don't either. That's why I bought a jar of the new Fuck You color of dye. I think it's made by the same guy for whom I'll be casting my write-in vote for President. But I love you anyway, even if you don't properly worship my hair. -- K. So what color was your hair? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 14:27:36 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > I don't care what color Kibo's hair is. > > I do, however, want Kibo to prove that he's a natural sapphire blue head > or not. MY KINK IS OKAY! I was actually planning on dyeing it that color right around now, but as things turned out I won't have a good chance to go from orange to blue back to orange within the next few days -- I'm soon going to travel again, and I needed the orange both last weekend and next weekend to see if people would recognize me from an event I recently attended. So with luck, in about two weeks I won't have any constraints on what color I can do when and I'll do the deep blue. > > That's good, because I don't either. That's why I bought a jar of > > the new Fuck You color of dye. > > As long as you don't start doing the Trent Reznor L'Oreal Blue-Black #4 > cop-out, I'm fine. Nobody ever suggests I should do black. (If I did, it would be jet black, not bluish-black.) I do occasionally get requests for blond. I like the radically unnatural-looking colors, because attempting to dye your hair black or blond just makes you look like you have a dye job. I want the color to be exotic enough that it doesn't look like I'm trying to fool anyone. > > I think it's made by the same guy > > for whom I'll be casting my write-in vote for President. > > Normal Bob Smith? I didn't know he did hair dye. No, Fuck You. Fuck You is running for President on the Fuck You platform for the Fuck You party. He invites the people whose job it is to throw away all write-in votes to Fuck You. I bet it probably doesn't even go into the computerized records of who voted for whom in which election (yes, they do have records where it can be looked up who you voted for twelve years ago.) They'll probably just record me as voting for "Unqualified Write-In" or something. Can you tell I'm not enthused about this election? -- K. My hair deserves a vote of its own. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:24:36 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Can you tell I'm not enthused about this election? > > No really? You ... could start writing a COLUMN about it again... When I had to write that lame little editorial column four years ago, it was easy to be fair and pretend I disliked both candidates, because I had fairly mild negative feelings about one and fairly mild positive feelings about the other. This election, I have very strong negative feelings about both candidates, about the electoral system, about all the other editorial writers, about the news media, about the voting machines, and about the TV commercials that won't leave me alone. I dislike both of the (most prominent) candidates enough that I couldn't be motivated to vote for either of them, so why would I want to follow their campaigns? One of the reasons my column had the point-of-view (or lack thereof) and rambling Larry-King-esque style it did four years ago was that I just didn't care very much. I'm not strongly into Presidential politics, and I feel that people who obsess about Presidential elections tend to miss the big picture (voting for a Presidential candidate is literally the _least_ you can do to influence your government or your neighborhood -- it's less effective than, say, writing a letter to a politician, going to a protest, contributing to a charity, volunteering to help someone, researching how to change a law, etc.) Four years ago, I could bring myself to write a column because I didn't care very much one way or the other. This year, no way do I want to worry about something as inane as "Bush or Kerry?" Writing about that all day would be like writing about McDonalds vs. Burger King all day -- I'd only get about two paragraphs into it before I started typing "THEY BOTH SUCK! IF YOU'RE READING THIS, GET A LIFE!" over and over and over and over and over dammit! Also, there's no shortage of other Web sites posting rambles about trivialities related to whether Kerry snuck a folded piece of paper out of his pocket during the first debate and whether Bush wore an invisible earphone during the same debate despite the rules saying that neither candidate could use such aids because we all know that the main criterion on which a President should be judged is whether he'll be able to ignore all advisors and reference material once hee's elected. You can find these Web sites over there on the Web. They're called "blogs" these days. That makes them a new thing. Back when I did it, they were just extremely amateurish editorials. (Some blogs are really great journalism or highly entertaining, but most are like my column.) Basically, I was embarrassed by what I got paid to write in 2000, and this year I don't think anyone, even me, would enjoy finding out what would happen if I tried to do that again. I wouldn't have a lot of fun trying to stretch out "I'm voting for a write-in, 'Fuck You!'" into twenty columns, and if you think you want to read that, you can just call me up on the phone and I'll curse at you in person for free. Now, if someone were to offer me a job writing about stuff that does currently interest me -- just as human psychology (such as techniques of persuasion; and yes, that does overlap a little with politics) or the ongoing collision of "gay culture" with "pop culture" or which movie sequels should result in the producers being executed in which manner or admiration of 2000-year-old metalsmithing techniques or critiques of which companies have logos which contain actual art in their graphic art, I could go on about that stuff for hours. But when it comes to politics this year, I'd just like to say "Fuck You!" to all the candidates in alphabetical order. And that's all I have to say about Presidential election wackiness right now. You want good wacky, go watch Jon Stewart. He's the man. -- K. And if you don't want good wacky, there's Jay Leno. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not Quite Jury Duty Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:19:00 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > I didn't actually sit on the jury, but I did go to court for two days for > jury selection. > > They didn't pick me probably because I truthfully told them that for me to > find someone insane enough to kill their wife, even just to the level of > "Preponderance of Evidence", was going to take some pretty convincing > arguments. [...] The last time I was on a jury it was because the defense attorney was so incompetent that they didn't understand they should always use all their peremptory challenges to pack the jury with people who don't volunteer that they have a strong personal bias in favor of the plaintiff corporation. (This was the lawyer with the ponytail and Beatle boots.) It's depressing that despite that I now look pretty weird and scary (relative to how I used to look, of course) I could still get picked for a jury these days, since I think there are still a lot of stupid lawyers out there. If the system actually worked, nobody would ever have to depend on me deciding their guilt or innocence. ...and that's too bad, because I can spot guilty people just by looking at them. I don't know why nobody arrests those hundreds of obviously guilty people I see on the subway every day. > [...] what do you think of a defense attorney who claims to be a > terrible speller and writes down the following things on big piece > of paper for what we'd be hearing about during the trial if selected: > > VeRDeCT > SYMPTHoY > > Sorry that I can't capture his random font sizes as well, but perhaps that > would be too much to bear. Either he's too stupid to know how to ask someone how to spell those two words despite knowing he's a bad speller and despite using this same opening speech at every trial, or else he's too stupid to realize you can see right through his inept attempt at pretending to be senile in order to gain the trust of the elderly "Matlock" fans on the jury. Was he wearing Beatle boots, or worse, Monkee socks? -- K. Short shameful dirty- sounding confession: I really like "Head". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pirate-themed small talk of the day. Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 23:51:38 -0400 Actual conversation I just had while sitting here waiting for a bus: "Does anybody ever call you 'Redbeard'? ...Like a PIRATE?" (I say nothing, but I smile and take my hat off to show the rest of my hair.) "SWEET!" What I should've said: "Does anybody ever call you 'Redbeard'? ...Like a PIRATE?" "Yes, I WOULD like a pirate! I'd hug him and squeeze him and keep him in my treasure chest! Now, my precious private pirate, put on this eyepatch so I'll know which eye to poke out." (I am mean to pirates and other living things. But not to their parrots.) Anyway, it's nice to know that not everyone assumes I'm a 1950s Hell's Angel. I'm happy be mistaken for a pirate once in a while. Maybe I should order that leather headwrap I saw in one of my leather catalogs. But where would I get a non-annoying parrot? Have scientists ever succeeded in breeding one who won't talk, bite, or poop? Oh, and I am not getting an earring on either side. The only piercing I've ever wanted is a nose ring (septum piercing), and that's only if they ever invent a way to do that without a 1 in 6 chance of a brain infection. Arrrrr! -- K. Someone on this bus smells like stale cigarette smoke and poppers. I smell like neither. And, because I look like a pirate, I get bonus points for being this bus's official Pirate Who Doesn't Smell Like A Gay Orgy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PUFFY HARRY Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 01:50:21 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > I just noticed that I wrote down the phrase PUFFY HARRY, probably > several months ago. If someone else had written it, I might assume > that he was thinking of Sean "Puffy" Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy as, or > in some other way connected to, "Dirty" Harry Callahan, but I doubt > that I was thinking that. "Punk, if I were you, I'd be thinking: Is it about to rain, and is he really made of cotton candy? Well, I've got news for you. I'm Puffy Harry. And I may be a big wad of sweet, and my gun's in your mouth, and tough shit, I've got an umbrella." (Cue John deLancie saying "THAT was TOO EASY!") Okay, um... Other combination of random adjectives and first names: SLUDGY MADGE EFFERVESCENT STAN FLOCCULATED MOE NOETIC JEANNIE SMOOCHY ADOLF PIQUANT GOMER So get to work and crank out something about each of those and then maybe I'll be inspired to top that by doing something _clever_ about "PUFFY HARRY", instead of just wasting your time by saying what you were probably already dreaming about every night. "Mmm, delicious cotton candy with a gun!" -- K. NUCLEAR POTSIE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Black cars Date: Sun, 10 Oct 2004 11:07:30 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > One day over the summer I sat outside at a Pizzeria Uno's restaurant. I > > noticed a big pickup-truck with NY plates that read "ILUVAJ". I wanted to > > tack some sort of sign beneath the front plate that said "ME TOO". I > > thought this would be particularly funny, mostly because I had drank two > > of those giant 35 oz beers, but also because I was convinced that the > > truck owner was some 16 year old girl who would see it and believe that > > someone else was sweet on her man, prompting her to phone him up to accuse > > him of cheating. > > Be careful. Some poor counselor at the couple's school is going to > spend days working through all the fights and threats of fights over > that sign. I recently spent an hour on a situation where a guy > started a rumor his own self that he was cheating on his girlfriend to > see how she would react to it. A dry run for the holiday weekend, eh? Watch out if the kid's next trick is to pretend to be a mass murderer to see how people react. Now, if he were really smart, he'd have pretended to be cheating on an _imaginary_ girlfriend. That way he could get to seem like a super stud with none of the blowback. Unless, of course, he's into blowbacking. -- K. ILUVAJ2 (but does anyone heart AJ?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AMERICAN GOVT is full of SADISTS and PERVERTS Date: Sun, 10 Oct 2004 11:45:21 -0400 In alt.religion.jehovahs-witn, alt.religion.kibology, alt.religion.mormon, alt.religion.raelian, and alt.religion.scientology, Vicky (vickyp777@yahoo.com) spammed: > > SUMMARY: > > THREE YEARS of and continuing MENTAL TORTURE, TERRORISM, SADISM and > BLATANT human rights violations by FBI SADISTS and PERVERTS. Hey! It's bad enough that Jerry Seinfeld insulted my people by comparing us to dentists, don't you go claiming we're FBI! What are you, some sort of masochist? > Please SAVE this post on your hard disks or email account and also > bookmark it because the FBI sadists are gonna force the websites to > remove this posting for good. I posted this column to pretty much all > "active newsgroups" three weeks ago but the FBI "ARM TWISTED" and > "FORCED" google management to "REMOVE 90% of them" from the USENET and > violated my FREEDOM OF SPEECH. > Undercover FBI agents will attack me, ridicule me and discredit me > with fictitious userids in response to this post and I request all > readers to completely IGNORE those MANIPULATIVE, LYING FBI perverts > and sadists. Once again, I would like to state that I am not an FBI pervert and sadist. I work independently, like Batman. > Please forward and distribute this to as many senators, congressmen, > journalists, editors, civil rights attorneys, civil rights activists, > investigative reporters, radio talk show hosts, managers, co-workers, > family and friends and all Americans concerned with civil liberties. Only if you can attach a resume which says you know how to use scissors, a stapler, a waffle iron, a pencil, a sink... > I am not a muslim, I don't have even a single muslim friend, I am not > a member of any religious organization, I am not a drug smuggler, I do > not belong to any crime mafia, I did not kill anybody, I am not a spy > and I never ever worked for any government and not even "remotely > connected" to any government agency whatsoever, I do not have any > prior criminal record, I am a US citizen and have been living in US > for a little more than 15 yrs and I graduated with a masters degree in > computer science from a US university more than a decade ago. I am > even willing to take "ANY NO.OF POLYGRAPH TESTS" to prove whatever I > said is true and a fact, about my background. It's no fun for us if you submit to it willingly. Can't you at least pretend you don't like having those electrodes jammed under your fingernails? > FBI has been MENTALLY TORTURING me with 24X7 surveillance for the last > three years inside and outside my apartment with video surveillance > devices and motion sensors around my apartment, my phone has been > tapped, my web surfing is being monitored all the time for the last > three years, my emails are being monitored, gps vehicle tracking > devices and voice amplification devices have been placed in my car and > undercover FBI agents have followed me to restaurants, grocery stores, > malls, movie theatres, banks and even barber shops etc and forced me > to live like an animal and a virtual prisoner for three years. Dude, "Virtual Prisoner" is the lamest GameBoy game. You could at least come up with a better game to imagine you're forced to play, like "Hello Kitty Vs. Space Invaders". > FBI has interfered in my personal life for no reason and jeopardized my > job opportunities. FBI is obsessed with me and has ruined, destroyed and > wrecked my life for the last three years and destroyed my physical and > mental health. > > The SADISTIC FBI agents are NOT charging me, NOT letting me find a > job, NOT letting me have a normal life, NOT letting me have even an > IOTA of PRIVACY and mentally TORTURING and TERRORIZING me with 24X7 > surveillance, making 2000 UNSOLICITED phone calls to my unlisted > phone#s, entering my apartment ILLEGALLY and STEALING personal > belongings when I am not home, watching me real time live with video > surveillance devices installed in my bedroom, living room, kitchen and > DISGUSTINGLY even in my rest room and humiliating and dehumanizing me > and BLATANTLY violating my civil rights and constitutional right to > privacy and ABUSING the "DRACONIAN" PATRIOT ACT. That can't be true. Draconian Patriot Act is just for prosecuting hunky space studs who refuse to marry Princess Ardala. They have to fight Tigerman to the death in a death arena while listening to space death disco music. Are you saying you're a hunky space stud? > The PERVERTED FBI "ILLEGALLY" installed tens of audio and video > surveillance devices in my apartment, watching me NAKED, REAL TIME > LIVE 24X7 even in my rest room taking shower, psychoanalyzing each and > every move, each and every word I said, each and every second of my > life, each and every blink of my eyes and each and every comment I > posted on the web. And how does being psychoanalyzed make you feel? > Is there a LIMIT to FBI Sadism and Perversion ?? If you want to s