From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: This news article is kinky enough that it's probably bogus... Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 00:07:03 -0400 [from www.reuters.com] -> -> Stockings, High Heels for Afghan Women Riot Police -> -> Oct. 3, 2004 -- By Mark Chisholm -> -> KABUL (Reuters) -- Fishnet stockings and high heels are not the norm -> for riot police, but this is Afghanistan. That reminds me, today at the abortion clinic the nice lady doctor asked me where she could get some leather boots like mine. My local Planned Parenthood office is almost as scary as Afghanistan -- it has this fortresslike, bombproof, windowless stainless steel facade with those lines on the sidewalk designed to keep protesters at least six inches away from the visitors. Getting in involves going through a security search and a metal detector and then an airlock (you can't open the door to the waiting room until the door from the security screening room has latched behind you.) I think all this security is just to keep people from wandering into the waiting room to steal handfuls of free condoms. (They only have one brand in one flavor, unlike my local bar which even gives out the chocolate-covered ones.) Oh, and I'm not pregnant. Anyway, when the doctor told me she wanted a pair of leather knee boots I was about to blurt out something like "You'd look so HOT in those, YOWZA, BOI-OI-OINGGGGG!" but then I figured an abortion clinic wouldn't be the best place to pick up chicks, especially because she was about to jab me with a needle. (She taught me some tips on how to stick needles into people. I taught her some terms for new things to worry about.) So to get back to the topic at hand, Afghanistan's new Klingon Dominatrix Female Riot Police will either bring peace of Afghanistan, or else just appear on some really overpriced videotapes. -> Masouma was one of five women being trained by U.S. forces early -> Sunday to cope with civil disturbances during the country's first -> ever presidential vote on Oct. 9. Surrounded by nearly 200 men in -> dark blue uniforms, matching caps and black military-style boots, -> the small female contingent stood out with their colorful -> headscarves, lipstick, silver fingernails and gold earrings dangling -> under headscarves. -> -> "We have asked our American friends to give us boots and hats so we -> have proper uniforms," Masouma told reporters during a break in -> training. All the women wore a blouse and a long skirt, but some had -> on stockings and high-heeled shoes underneath. -> -> "They (the men) are well equipped, so we must be too." So what happened? Did the Weekly World News print the real article when Reuters ran the joke one? -> In an apparent breakdown in communications, U.S. Sergeant Damian George -> did not believe there was a major problem. -> -> "The women expressed that they have been in high heels their whole -> life, and they feel they can accomplish the mission in those." I swear I am not making up this incredibly obviously fake news report. Want to know just how obviously fake this is? In the original printed version, the last sentence read th [...] THEY CAN ACCOMPLISH THE MISSION IN OSE. Also it had "THIS IS A FAKE" written all over it with a felt-tip pen in Tom Baker's handwriting. The surest proof it's fake: Dan Rather said 583 times that it's real. -- K. Then he put a paper towel on his head and wiggled his ears. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This news article is kinky enough that it's probably bogus... Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:29:26 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That reminds me, today at the abortion clinic [...] > > Okay this torture thing has gone to far! What torture thing? I don't know what you're insinuating, but I'll assume I shouldn't like it, so apologize or I'll staple your ears to each other with a Bedazzler. I still want to know who chose the lousy color combination for Planned Parenthood's "I HAD AN ABORTION" t-shirts. Someone should tell them that pastel blue on chocolate brown is a horrible color combination for a shirt. I'd wear mine more often if it had more macho colors, like red on black. -- K. Planned Parenthood could learn a lot from the Ottawa Senators. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another learning experience Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:48:02 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dammit, Bill, I told you, it's not a costume, it's a uniform. I have > > to wear this so the other Neptunians will recognize me. > > "We're even when I say we're even." I don't get it. Also, if you think that my mission in life is to make my relationships with other people "even", you have sorely misunderstood the purpose of evil. -- K. And now you OWE ME. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I did it. Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:51:44 -0400 Pope Emperor FrogMaN (uncle_toade@hotmail.com) wrote: > > After six months, continous and unrelenting, I read every single ARK post > from the last time I posted until now. > > I think I should lie down now. So now are you going to start fighting crime with an atomic-powered pogo stick? Will you always carry a cork in your pocket because "CORK IS FUNNY!!!"? Are you now, or have you ever been, an eternally- combusting root vegetable of any sort? > Ahh.... to be young and jobless. The question is, where were you when you were catching up on a.r.k, and what were you supposed to be doing instead? This is why I like to read a.r.k when I'm on the subway. That way it feels like it's saving time instead of wasting time. At the moment, I'm in bed. I mean, I'm actually physically in the bed while I'm posting to a.r.k. There are also days where I'm "in bed" while posting to a.r.k but physically riding the subway at the same time, if you know what I mean. -- K. META-DISCUSSION IS FUNNY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's the Ass? Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 14:59:26 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > i'd like to take this opportunity to say that, if one's > husband and/or wife is at home, in bed, and in so much pain > that he and/or she is crying, then calling him and/or her an > ass for not answering the phone is just a *little* bit unfair. > i'm just sayin'. If you'd like to talk about it, you can call me any time. But because I usually have my phone's ringer turned off, you'll need to get in touch with me in advance so I can turn it on. Just call me before you call me. Also, never marry anyone who has a bumper sticker that says "HOW DARE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS OF YOUR OWN WHILE I'M BUSY BEING A JERK!!!" > oh, and to whomever b0rke the sodapopcoke machine--watch your > back. you have been warned. I've never before known someone to curl up in bed crying because their favorite Coke machine was broken, but I suppose it could happen, especially in the computer industry. -- K. Or I could come over and answer the phone for you while you're busy crying. I'd imitate your voice and everything. It would be like a radio-style Crazy Morning Zoo prank, only with the emotional cruelty having happened beforehand rather than on the air. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STUPID CNN! Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2004 15:29:47 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > I keep seeing kibological stories on Headline News and then when I go to > > CNN.com there's NOTHING THERE! Like about the $600,000 truckload of > > candy that was stolen in London today. Somebody comes that close to > > stealing ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD and there's not a word about it on > > CNN.com or any other news source indexed by Google or Yahoo! > > Baby Geniuses III: The Great Candy Heist > > Coming direct to a DVD near you, August 2005. Someone will have to die for this. The DVD, I mean, not the candy. I am all in favor of people stealing candy. Especially if they give it to me. I estimate that a typical candy bar is about 2.5 cubic inches for $.60. Let's call it $.25 per cubic inch to make the estimation easier. So, $600,000 of candy is 2.4 million cubic inches, or about 1400 cubic feet. That's about the volume of a small truck. So from this we can conclude that the baby geniuses who stole the truck were not smart enough to pick out one filled with super-expensive candy. They should have stolen two trucks, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't. -- K. Remember, if you ever steal any candy, turn in all the evidence here: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon St., Suite 215 Brookline MA 02446 ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Canada important? Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:22:04 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want Canada to keep existing > > because I only care about the > > Ottawa Senators, not the > > Binghamton Senators. > > You'll be singing a different tune if the NHL strikes this season. > OK, maybe not. Look, even if you invented a time machine just so you could travel back in time to prevent the NHL from having already gone on strike, I'd still like the Ottawa Senators better than the Binghamton Senators. I mean, their graphic arts skills and fashion sense are incomparably better. I'd like them even more if you could keep them from trading my favorite skater (Magnus Arvedsson) to Vancouver a couple years ago, and keep my favorite goalie (Patrick Lalime) from taking his Stevie Wonder impression so seriously that he started forgetting to look at the puck during the playoffs resulting in him getting traded this summer and replaced by some Dominic Hasek guy nobody's ever heard of. (I would've just promoted backup goalie Martin Prusek -- he plays great and that would have saved a few million dollars -- but gee, I don't know that much about the hockey business, maybe spending as much money as possible during a season where the players refuse to play is a sure-fire route to success.) Anyway, AHL teams like Binghamton provide a fantastic entertainment value -- a good game for about twelve bucks and you get to sit wherever you want -- but I still prefer to pay two zillion bucks to see Ottawa because they're real Canadians, not fake Canadians like the Binghamtonites, and therefore they're automatically more hockeytastic. Wouldn't Spartacat be lame if he were American? I think so. You haven't known mass insanity until you've been at the Corel Centre surrounded by 18,000 drunk Ottowans watching their team pummeling those darn Bruins. Americans don't even know how to yell at hockey games. Canadians are LOUD. And Spartacat can kick the ass of whatever cheap mascot the Binghamton Senators have. (It's probably something like a guy wearing a little plastic smock that says "AMERICAT" on it.) -- K. And any change in my singing would still result in me being the worst singer in the world, but you can't mock me because my tone-deafness is a legitimate neurological handicap and you'd go to jail for violating the Americans With Really Silly Disabilities Act. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is Canada important? Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 05:05:44 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And any change in > > my singing would > > still result in me > > being the worst > > singer in the world > > uh-huh. well, I once got booted from the chorus line of a capping > revue. > > a CAPPING REVUE, I ask you. I don't know what that is, but it sounds gay. Which side do you wear your cap on -- are you a capping top or a capping bottom? Does this have anything to do with "Laverne & Shirley"? > the line for Worst Singer in the World starts *here*, mate. Scissors cuts your line. I spit on your line. I am not only a worse singer than you, the only songs to which I know all the words are game show theme songs. I challenge you to dueling "TV Monopoly", anywhere, any time, any key. -- K. I sing in the key of Z. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News Of The Sit On It! Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 03:56:43 -0400 I'll explain the point of these two "news" stories in a little while. [from australianit.news.com.au -- what's an Australia Nit?] -> -> Tahini travel to stop those monkeys -> -> defrag | Kerrie Murphy -> SEPTEMBER 07, 2004 -> -> OH, HELLO. You'll have to excuse Defrag today as we're a little -> busy. You see, we have almost completed work on our time machine -- -> just one more jar of tahini paste should do it. -> -> Our plan is to travel back in time to when Defrag was a mere Defragette, -> so we can tell our younger self that when it comes to 21st-century -> technology, it is important that we don't believe the hype. -> -> On second thoughts, maybe that's not such a good idea. -> -> For a start, Public Enemy would still be some years away from fame -> and so the song reference would be lost on Defrag the Younger. Sure, -> we could explain who Public Enemy were, but by the time we got into -> Flavor Flav and the wearing of large clocks as necklaces, our -> younger self would have got bored and wandered off to finish tying a -> Fonzie doll to the ceiling fan to see what happens when the fan is -> turned on. -> -> And you try explaining to people that the Fonzie-shaped bruise on -> your forehead is the result of a time-travel incident with your -> younger self. I've tried that, and I've found that it gets even better reactions to just say "I got beat up by Fonzie back when he was five inches tall." [from www2.townonline.com] => => Dropping off the kids at the school of hard knocks => => By Peter Chianca/ At Large => => Wednesday, October 6, 2004 => => I've been dropping my daughter off at kindergarten for the last => three weeks, and I think it's starting to affect me. And not just => because I can't imagine how she's capable of attending school alone => when just yesterday she was bald, drooling and speaking a language => that consisted almost exclusively of the word "goo." => => No, I think the reason I'm rattled by walking her into school each => morning is because it reminds me of something I've managed to put => out of my mind for the past 18 years -- namely, going to school. => Well, not completely out of my mind; I do still have those dreams => where I'm trying to get to a final exam but I can't find the => classroom. Plus I'm not wearing pants. (In my dream, not currently.) => => Not that I don't think back fondly on my school years - after all, => that was the time of my life when, thanks to the efforts of many => fine teachers, I didn't have to work for a living. There were just a => few moments I'd rather not relive if at all possible. I'm thinking => of things like: => => 1) The time on the nature trail that I somehow managed to step on a => bee hive, infuriating dozens of bees who immediately took out their => frustration on my large, exposed head. I believe the sight of an => entire class of screaming fourth-graders running from the trail => waving our arms wildly, a swarm of yellowjackets stuck to our => polyester ensembles, is still talked about with some awe in those => parts. (In the mixed blessing department: They did let me skip gym => that day.) => => 2) The time I accidentally ice skated into Dominica Ochigrosso and => got my braces caught on the hood of her snorkel jacket. It took => several humiliating hours for the school nurse to completely => extricate me, and sometimes, late at night, I think I can still => taste the fake fur. => => 3) The time in first grade when I really, really thought I could => hold it. => => 4) The time I went to the school costume parade as Fonzie, making => the mistake of using a jar of Vaseline that had been around since => the Pliocene era to slick my hair back. Trust me, that Fonzie look => isn't so "cool" when you're still trying to get rid of it at => Thanksgiving. => => 5) The time I asked a girl to the sophomore semi-formal and she => responded by saying, "Oh, what the hell?" Most experts agree this is => the one response that is actually worse than the flat-out "no." Especially if she says it to Fonzie. For a woman to dis someone as cool and sexy as Fonzie, he'd have to be a really ugly Fonzie. So what do these two excerpts have in common? Ayyyyy. The Fonz is in the news a lot. I was playing with Google News's clipping service and requested it to notify me of all "news" stories containing the word "Fonzie", and it turns out that the presence of "Fonzie" is a great way to detect "news" articles written by people I wouldn't mind buying a drink or two. So my question is, what other words or phrases should I ask Google to mail me about whenever they show up in anything pretending to be a newspaper? I already have "Charles Nelson Reilly", "diaper gravy", "Draculaland", "Trader Joe's", "White Castle", "crunchtastic", "shazbot", and "wedgie". "wedgie" and "Fonzie" are the two best ones so far for finding articles written by people who don't know they're Kibologists. What would be other good keywords for finding news stories I'd want to read enough that I'd go to the effort of making fun of them here? -- K. And yes, I've already tried the obvious "fuck" and "fart" and "Kibo". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:34:10 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I don't care what color Kibo's hair is. That's good, because I don't either. That's why I bought a jar of the new Fuck You color of dye. I think it's made by the same guy for whom I'll be casting my write-in vote for President. But I love you anyway, even if you don't properly worship my hair. -- K. So what color was your hair? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 14:27:36 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > I don't care what color Kibo's hair is. > > I do, however, want Kibo to prove that he's a natural sapphire blue head > or not. MY KINK IS OKAY! I was actually planning on dyeing it that color right around now, but as things turned out I won't have a good chance to go from orange to blue back to orange within the next few days -- I'm soon going to travel again, and I needed the orange both last weekend and next weekend to see if people would recognize me from an event I recently attended. So with luck, in about two weeks I won't have any constraints on what color I can do when and I'll do the deep blue. > > That's good, because I don't either. That's why I bought a jar of > > the new Fuck You color of dye. > > As long as you don't start doing the Trent Reznor L'Oreal Blue-Black #4 > cop-out, I'm fine. Nobody ever suggests I should do black. (If I did, it would be jet black, not bluish-black.) I do occasionally get requests for blond. I like the radically unnatural-looking colors, because attempting to dye your hair black or blond just makes you look like you have a dye job. I want the color to be exotic enough that it doesn't look like I'm trying to fool anyone. > > I think it's made by the same guy > > for whom I'll be casting my write-in vote for President. > > Normal Bob Smith? I didn't know he did hair dye. No, Fuck You. Fuck You is running for President on the Fuck You platform for the Fuck You party. He invites the people whose job it is to throw away all write-in votes to Fuck You. I bet it probably doesn't even go into the computerized records of who voted for whom in which election (yes, they do have records where it can be looked up who you voted for twelve years ago.) They'll probably just record me as voting for "Unqualified Write-In" or something. Can you tell I'm not enthused about this election? -- K. My hair deserves a vote of its own. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Confession Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:24:36 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Can you tell I'm not enthused about this election? > > No really? You ... could start writing a COLUMN about it again... When I had to write that lame little editorial column four years ago, it was easy to be fair and pretend I disliked both candidates, because I had fairly mild negative feelings about one and fairly mild positive feelings about the other. This election, I have very strong negative feelings about both candidates, about the electoral system, about all the other editorial writers, about the news media, about the voting machines, and about the TV commercials that won't leave me alone. I dislike both of the (most prominent) candidates enough that I couldn't be motivated to vote for either of them, so why would I want to follow their campaigns? One of the reasons my column had the point-of-view (or lack thereof) and rambling Larry-King-esque style it did four years ago was that I just didn't care very much. I'm not strongly into Presidential politics, and I feel that people who obsess about Presidential elections tend to miss the big picture (voting for a Presidential candidate is literally the _least_ you can do to influence your government or your neighborhood -- it's less effective than, say, writing a letter to a politician, going to a protest, contributing to a charity, volunteering to help someone, researching how to change a law, etc.) Four years ago, I could bring myself to write a column because I didn't care very much one way or the other. This year, no way do I want to worry about something as inane as "Bush or Kerry?" Writing about that all day would be like writing about McDonalds vs. Burger King all day -- I'd only get about two paragraphs into it before I started typing "THEY BOTH SUCK! IF YOU'RE READING THIS, GET A LIFE!" over and over and over and over and over dammit! Also, there's no shortage of other Web sites posting rambles about trivialities related to whether Kerry snuck a folded piece of paper out of his pocket during the first debate and whether Bush wore an invisible earphone during the same debate despite the rules saying that neither candidate could use such aids because we all know that the main criterion on which a President should be judged is whether he'll be able to ignore all advisors and reference material once hee's elected. You can find these Web sites over there on the Web. They're called "blogs" these days. That makes them a new thing. Back when I did it, they were just extremely amateurish editorials. (Some blogs are really great journalism or highly entertaining, but most are like my column.) Basically, I was embarrassed by what I got paid to write in 2000, and this year I don't think anyone, even me, would enjoy finding out what would happen if I tried to do that again. I wouldn't have a lot of fun trying to stretch out "I'm voting for a write-in, 'Fuck You!'" into twenty columns, and if you think you want to read that, you can just call me up on the phone and I'll curse at you in person for free. Now, if someone were to offer me a job writing about stuff that does currently interest me -- just as human psychology (such as techniques of persuasion; and yes, that does overlap a little with politics) or the ongoing collision of "gay culture" with "pop culture" or which movie sequels should result in the producers being executed in which manner or admiration of 2000-year-old metalsmithing techniques or critiques of which companies have logos which contain actual art in their graphic art, I could go on about that stuff for hours. But when it comes to politics this year, I'd just like to say "Fuck You!" to all the candidates in alphabetical order. And that's all I have to say about Presidential election wackiness right now. You want good wacky, go watch Jon Stewart. He's the man. -- K. And if you don't want good wacky, there's Jay Leno. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:50:13 -0400 Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 04:35:24 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.9 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "I was a superstar with Andy Warhol in the '60s, and he would > > > have loved that outfit." > > > > Are any superstars still alive except for Beck's mom? > > International Velvet? Viva? Ultra Violet? > > No idea. Many are still alive. I think Mary Woronov even still has all the parts of her original face. I poked through a Web site with bios of all of Warhol's superstars, and, of the ones who haven't passed away, none are listed as living in Boston. Today's Ultra Violet looks the most like the woman I met, but I could easily be wrong (my face thing.) I should've asked her, but at the time I thought I shouldn't look a compliment from a dead man in the mouth. Also I couldn't bring up Warhol because I was holding a tub of a brand of soup nobody likes. (In Trader Joe's, Warhol wouldn't find anything he'd want to paint. I can barely even find anything I'm willing to eat.) > But my mental image of Kibo's appearance and attire would rather suggest > Candy Darling, Jackie Curtis or Holly "from Miami, FLA" Woodlawn (who is > still alive). Think if Darth Vader decided to be Evel Knievel and was so cool that he was constantly on fire. The sort of outfit where I never have to say "SIT ON IT!", I just walk past people and they automatically sit on it, whatever "it" is. The sort of outfit Gene Simmons would own if he were macho. The sort of outfit that would make John Philip Law fall to his knees and ask, "Please sir, may I touch it?" The sort of outfit that Gerry Anderson would smash all his rocketship models to see. The sort of outfit that would give Alex Toth hiccups. My clothes have so much personality they're almost more important than I am. Just think of whatever you're wearing, and then think of the exact opposite of you along the fluorescent-orange-and-black butch axis, and that's me. I hope you're not too jealous that no dead artists idolize your clothes. Because I don't think it's possible for you to be too jealous to satisfy me. Be more jealous. -- K. It's disappointing to learn that Warhol's superstars buy their groceries at Trader Joe's, and not inside a mylar zeppelin filled with a mixture of helium and Raid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: a whole new class of compliment Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 14:52:16 -0400 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today's Ultra Violet looks the most like the woman I met, > > but I could easily be wrong (my face thing.) > > Though not faceblind, I also have a hard time recognizing people: my brain > apparently classifies people's faces (mostly the males, I'm better > at telling females apart) into sets of approximately similar features, > and I get people in the same set mixed up. > > You might have noticed in the past that I sometimes pretend to confuse > vaguely similar (nick)names on Usenet, a secret reference to this real > life "feature". > > The more I am familiar with someone the less likely it is that I will > confuse him with someone else, but it does occasionally happen and it > is quite embarassing. I've upset many friends and acquaintances by > not greeting them when I should have. On the other hand, complete > strangers like me because I often salute them out of the blue. That's actually the main symptom that you have what I have (to a lesser degree.) I'm not completely face-blind (except when under duress) -- this is something different people have to different degrees, and I'm nearly face-blind, while you're less impaired. This condition (in its milder forms) is quite common. > Also, I do not identify with my image in the mirror, something that > I heard to be quite uncommon; basically, I do recognize myself when > looking at a mirror or a picture but I can't otherwise remember my > own face very well. Whenever I change my haircut or my own color, it startles me whenever I walk past a mirror because it's now a picture of a stranger. Drawing a picture of a face from memory, even my own, is out of the question. > [...] > > > I hope you're not too jealous that no dead artists idolize your clothes. > > Because I don't think it's possible for you to be too jealous to satisfy > > me. Be more jealous. > > Yeah, I had the correct mental image. I'm not jealous at all, since I > tend to dress as inconspicuously as possible. Most of the time, at least. I pay a _lot_ of attention to other people's clothes, since I have to memorize them in case we get separated in a crowd. Even people who think they dress "ordinary" have their own clothing habits I learn: So-and-so likes plaids, so-and-so likes tans, so-and-so likes stripes of quaternary colors, etc. Though I'm not a highly fashionable person (I wear the same look over and over) I have been required to develop a keen fashion sense because that's one of the ways I study other people to figure out who's who. When it comes to my own wardrobe, I treat it like a graphic design task, and subject my own look to the same sort of graphical treatment I would any other design project. I like solid colors (I will not wear stripes or patterns), I have a specific palette (neutrals and metallics combined with a single fully-saturated primary or secondary; no tertiaries, browns, etc., ever) and I like as little detail as possible (I don't like buttons, laces, etc.) I suspect a lot of this comes from watching early color TV, when people on "Star Trek" and "Batman" and so on always wore this brightly-colored, contrasty, simplified clothing. Anyway, I have one of the simplest, most obvious aesthetic systems there is in clothing, and yet most other people are not aware of other people's clothing preferences, so when people give me shirts as gifts they're almost always stuff I could never bring myself to wear (once someone gave me a tan shirt covered with a frieze of giant line-art canoes...) > > It's disappointing to > > learn that Warhol's > > superstars buy their > > groceries at Trader Joe's, > > and not inside a mylar > > zeppelin filled with a > > mixture of helium and Raid. > > You obviously did not read Warhol's diaries. I wouldn't be surprised > to learn he used to buy his groceries at Trader Joe's. > > BTW, what's Trader Joe's? <- YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THIS Then I will. Stupid overrated supermarket chain which simultaneously pretends to be (a) a health food store, (b) a gourmet food store, and (c) a discount food store. Basically, like all supermarkets, it's part of a giant conglomerate that operates many supermarket brands around the world. When some random supermarket in Germany has too many expired cans of their house-brand soup rotting in the back, they become a Trader Joe's item. Basically, they just sell house-brand stuff manufactured for other supermarkets, relabeled as a "Trader Joe's" (or "Trader Ming's" or "Trader Giotto's") product. All the employees have to wear Hawaiian shirts, and the place is decorated with fishing nets, and they call cashiers to the front by ringing a nautical bell. The place just radiates that form of stupidity that makes you think they think they're frickin' Disneyland when really it's just a supermarket with some cloying visual gimmicks. Also, all their products are in the $1.99 to $2.99 price range. I go there because it's the closest market to my office (I eat lots of convenience food at work.) Oh, and one more trivial detail about Trader Joe's: Just like buying a Macintosh, shopping at Trader Joe's instantly makes you gay. -- K. And if you ever see Theo Albrecht's face, you turn to stone. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pigdens Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:05:42 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > > > > > "Uralic" would be the perfect name for a mildly intoxicating drink > > > brewed out of fermented piss, but I'm afraid some beers have already > > > occupied that niche. > > > > Anyone with sugar in his urine needs medical attention. > > Especially if it is still in cube form. First off, I thought we already discussed carbonated urine over ten years ago. And after careful reconsideration, I have decided it's still not a good idea, especially with Necco's new citric-acid-coated Super Sour Gummi Catheters. Secondly, anyone who has ever seen a cubical sugar cube is really old. If you look hard, you can find domino-shaped Domino sugar "cubes" but I do not believe I have ever seen an actual cubical sugar cube. I think they were outlawed in the 1960s because you could dot them with 21 little spots of black LSD and use them for both illegal drugs and illegal gambling at the same time, thus destroying the fabric of society even faster than "Star Trek". Thirdoidally, there are more entertaining ways to get intoxicated without drinking any sort of urine, whether chunky or original style. Fourthtacularly, the version just for girls would be "Uralique". It would still be carbonated urine, but it would be pink so that chicks would enjoy it. And not to five the sandbox, but, if Uralic went out of business, do you think they'd sell their domain name to some airline-reservation site that would be so broken that I could never actually use it? I'm just saying that the original version of Orbitz was something one _could_ drink, though nobody wanted to, while the current incarnation of Orbitz is just wack, yo. -- K. What if someone has a hint of French vanilla in their urine? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not Quite Jury Duty Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:19:00 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > I didn't actually sit on the jury, but I did go to court for two days for > jury selection. > > They didn't pick me probably because I truthfully told them that for me to > find someone insane enough to kill their wife, even just to the level of > "Preponderance of Evidence", was going to take some pretty convincing > arguments. [...] The last time I was on a jury it was because the defense attorney was so incompetent that they didn't understand they should always use all their peremptory challenges to pack the jury with people who don't volunteer that they have a strong personal bias in favor of the plaintiff corporation. (This was the lawyer with the ponytail and Beatle boots.) It's depressing that despite that I now look pretty weird and scary (relative to how I used to look, of course) I could still get picked for a jury these days, since I think there are still a lot of stupid lawyers out there. If the system actually worked, nobody would ever have to depend on me deciding their guilt or innocence. ...and that's too bad, because I can spot guilty people just by looking at them. I don't know why nobody arrests those hundreds of obviously guilty people I see on the subway every day. > [...] what do you think of a defense attorney who claims to be a > terrible speller and writes down the following things on big piece > of paper for what we'd be hearing about during the trial if selected: > > VeRDeCT > SYMPTHoY > > Sorry that I can't capture his random font sizes as well, but perhaps that > would be too much to bear. Either he's too stupid to know how to ask someone how to spell those two words despite knowing he's a bad speller and despite using this same opening speech at every trial, or else he's too stupid to realize you can see right through his inept attempt at pretending to be senile in order to gain the trust of the elderly "Matlock" fans on the jury. Was he wearing Beatle boots, or worse, Monkee socks? -- K. Short shameful dirty- sounding confession: I really like "Head". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color schedule. Date: Thu, 07 Oct 2004 20:33:51 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > I wish. I'm a member AND president of the Tonsure Club for Men. Well it's > either that or shaving my head, and while many white guys can get away with > the look, I'd more than likely end up looking like some sort of neo-nazi > psycho. You could try tattooing "NOT A PSYCHO" on your forehead. I recommend the sort of fake blackletter used on bad heavy-metal albums. > Plus I don't want to grow the mandatory goatee that appears to be > a requirement for having a shaved head. "appears to be"? You haven't been reading your Gay Handbook closely. That rule's on page 3 of the agenda. If you've lost your Gay Handbook, you can pick up another copy at whichever field office recruited you. -- K. Sy Sperling hasn't been on my TV in a couple years. And he's not mentioned on HairClubForMen.com. Did he go bald or something? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pirate-themed small talk of the day. Date: Fri, 08 Oct 2004 23:51:38 -0400 Actual conversation I just had while sitting here waiting for a bus: "Does anybody ever call you 'Redbeard'? ...Like a PIRATE?" (I say nothing, but I smile and take my hat off to show the rest of my hair.) "SWEET!" What I should've said: "Does anybody ever call you 'Redbeard'? ...Like a PIRATE?" "Yes, I WOULD like a pirate! I'd hug him and squeeze him and keep him in my treasure chest! Now, my precious private pirate, put on this eyepatch so I'll know which eye to poke out." (I am mean to pirates and other living things. But not to their parrots.) Anyway, it's nice to know that not everyone assumes I'm a 1950s Hell's Angel. I'm happy be mistaken for a pirate once in a while. Maybe I should order that leather headwrap I saw in one of my leather catalogs. But where would I get a non-annoying parrot? Have scientists ever succeeded in breeding one who won't talk, bite, or poop? Oh, and I am not getting an earring on either side. The only piercing I've ever wanted is a nose ring (septum piercing), and that's only if they ever invent a way to do that without a 1 in 6 chance of a brain infection. Arrrrr! -- K. Someone on this bus smells like stale cigarette smoke and poppers. I smell like neither. And, because I look like a pirate, I get bonus points for being this bus's official Pirate Who Doesn't Smell Like A Gay Orgy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Craziness Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:42:33 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I prefer to think of them along the lines of "Rosencrantz and > > Guildenstern are Dead," i.e., they are all semi-autonomous entities > > coexisting on the sidelines while the main plot continues elsewhere. > > Of course that's how I think of myself and how I think of > > Joseph Michael Bay, and pretty much everyone except Kibo who > > burns with the singular true radiance of the protagonist. Or, > > at least the burly sidekick with the mohawk. > > Wait. When did Kibo get "burly"? Butch makes me burly in the eyes of people who know how to look at me. We all know that imposing physical size (in terms of height or muscularity) leads to easier emotional dominance over other people. Tall or muscular people get waited on faster in stores, people are less likely to push past them into crowded elevators, people judge them as more handsome. It's an instinctive reaction. But because we spend our lives associating "physically large" with "dominant", the association also leads the other way: If you impose your will on others, you're viewed as bigger. A famous experiment demonstrated that even a title of respect makes people think you're taller. Several classes of psychology students were introduced to the same guy, but one class was told he was a visiting student, one was told he was a visiting graduate student, one was told he was a visiting assistant professor, and one was told he was a visiting full professor. The classes were then asked to estimate how tall he was, and each of those differences in his social status was worth half an inch. A friend I was out with recently (who was both shorter than me and being consensually emotionally dominated) looked up at me and told me, "You could probably lift me easily, couldn't you?" The thing is, I couldn't -- I'm not strong at all, I'm just tall and in this case I was being dominant enough that the idea I was "burly" seemed to make sense to him, despite that I'm very skinny. Being tall helped, and being confident was the rest. Basically, if you get people to respect that you're in charge, you're automatically thought of as being burly. And in the case of our fictional friend with the Mohawk haircut, that too would help him be perceived as burly -- if you look odd in a manner which suggests you are deliberately adopting an eccentric appearance so as to manipulate the impression you make on people, that's a form of dominance, and while such does not lead to a perceived increase in your social status, it does make people find you physically imposing so that they think you're taller and burlier. Being physically burly isn't as important as having the right mindset. So, Ted, give me a minute to put on my big jackboots and the armored gloves, then look me in the belly button and tell me I'm not burly. -- K. Oh, and it'll help if you play along. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PUFFY HARRY Date: Sat, 09 Oct 2004 01:50:21 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > I just noticed that I wrote down the phrase PUFFY HARRY, probably > several months ago. If someone else had written it, I might assume > that he was thinking of Sean "Puffy" Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy as, or > in some other way connected to, "Dirty" Harry Callahan, but I doubt > that I was thinking that. "Punk, if I were you, I'd be thinking: Is it about to rain, and is he really made of cotton candy? Well, I've got news for you. I'm Puffy Harry. And I may be a big wad of sweet, and my gun's in your mouth, and tough shit, I've got an umbrella." (Cue John deLancie saying "THAT was TOO EASY!") Okay, um... Other combination of random adjectives and first names: SLUDGY MADGE EFFERVESCENT STAN FLOCCULATED MOE NOETIC JEANNIE SMOOCHY ADOLF PIQUANT GOMER So get to work and crank out something about each of those and then maybe I'll be inspired to top that by doing something _clever_ about "PUFFY HARRY", instead of just wasting your time by saying what you were probably already dreaming about every night. "Mmm, delicious cotton candy with a gun!" -- K. NUCLEAR POTSIE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Black cars Date: Sun, 10 Oct 2004 11:07:30 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > One day over the summer I sat outside at a Pizzeria Uno's restaurant. I > > noticed a big pickup-truck with NY plates that read "ILUVAJ". I wanted to > > tack some sort of sign beneath the front plate that said "ME TOO". I > > thought this would be particularly funny, mostly because I had drank two > > of those giant 35 oz beers, but also because I was convinced that the > > truck owner was some 16 year old girl who would see it and believe that > > someone else was sweet on her man, prompting her to phone him up to accuse > > him of cheating. > > Be careful. Some poor counselor at the couple's school is going to > spend days working through all the fights and threats of fights over > that sign. I recently spent an hour on a situation where a guy > started a rumor his own self that he was cheating on his girlfriend to > see how she would react to it. A dry run for the holiday weekend, eh? Watch out if the kid's next trick is to pretend to be a mass murderer to see how people react. Now, if he were really smart, he'd have pretended to be cheating on an _imaginary_ girlfriend. That way he could get to seem like a super stud with none of the blowback. Unless, of course, he's into blowbacking. -- K. ILUVAJ2 (but does anyone heart AJ?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AMERICAN GOVT is full of SADISTS and PERVERTS Date: Sun, 10 Oct 2004 11:45:21 -0400 In alt.religion.jehovahs-witn, alt.religion.kibology, alt.religion.mormon, alt.religion.raelian, and alt.religion.scientology, Vicky (vickyp777@yahoo.com) spammed: > > SUMMARY: > > THREE YEARS of and continuing MENTAL TORTURE, TERRORISM, SADISM and > BLATANT human rights violations by FBI SADISTS and PERVERTS. Hey! It's bad enough that Jerry Seinfeld insulted my people by comparing us to dentists, don't you go claiming we're FBI! What are you, some sort of masochist? > Please SAVE this post on your hard disks or email account and also > bookmark it because the FBI sadists are gonna force the websites to > remove this posting for good. I posted this column to pretty much all > "active newsgroups" three weeks ago but the FBI "ARM TWISTED" and > "FORCED" google management to "REMOVE 90% of them" from the USENET and > violated my FREEDOM OF SPEECH. > Undercover FBI agents will attack me, ridicule me and discredit me > with fictitious userids in response to this post and I request all > readers to completely IGNORE those MANIPULATIVE, LYING FBI perverts > and sadists. Once again, I would like to state that I am not an FBI pervert and sadist. I work independently, like Batman. > Please forward and distribute this to as many senators, congressmen, > journalists, editors, civil rights attorneys, civil rights activists, > investigative reporters, radio talk show hosts, managers, co-workers, > family and friends and all Americans concerned with civil liberties. Only if you can attach a resume which says you know how to use scissors, a stapler, a waffle iron, a pencil, a sink... > I am not a muslim, I don't have even a single muslim friend, I am not > a member of any religious organization, I am not a drug smuggler, I do > not belong to any crime mafia, I did not kill anybody, I am not a spy > and I never ever worked for any government and not even "remotely > connected" to any government agency whatsoever, I do not have any > prior criminal record, I am a US citizen and have been living in US > for a little more than 15 yrs and I graduated with a masters degree in > computer science from a US university more than a decade ago. I am > even willing to take "ANY NO.OF POLYGRAPH TESTS" to prove whatever I > said is true and a fact, about my background. It's no fun for us if you submit to it willingly. Can't you at least pretend you don't like having those electrodes jammed under your fingernails? > FBI has been MENTALLY TORTURING me with 24X7 surveillance for the last > three years inside and outside my apartment with video surveillance > devices and motion sensors around my apartment, my phone has been > tapped, my web surfing is being monitored all the time for the last > three years, my emails are being monitored, gps vehicle tracking > devices and voice amplification devices have been placed in my car and > undercover FBI agents have followed me to restaurants, grocery stores, > malls, movie theatres, banks and even barber shops etc and forced me > to live like an animal and a virtual prisoner for three years. Dude, "Virtual Prisoner" is the lamest GameBoy game. You could at least come up with a better game to imagine you're forced to play, like "Hello Kitty Vs. Space Invaders". > FBI has interfered in my personal life for no reason and jeopardized my > job opportunities. FBI is obsessed with me and has ruined, destroyed and > wrecked my life for the last three years and destroyed my physical and > mental health. > > The SADISTIC FBI agents are NOT charging me, NOT letting me find a > job, NOT letting me have a normal life, NOT letting me have even an > IOTA of PRIVACY and mentally TORTURING and TERRORIZING me with 24X7 > surveillance, making 2000 UNSOLICITED phone calls to my unlisted > phone#s, entering my apartment ILLEGALLY and STEALING personal > belongings when I am not home, watching me real time live with video > surveillance devices installed in my bedroom, living room, kitchen and > DISGUSTINGLY even in my rest room and humiliating and dehumanizing me > and BLATANTLY violating my civil rights and constitutional right to > privacy and ABUSING the "DRACONIAN" PATRIOT ACT. That can't be true. Draconian Patriot Act is just for prosecuting hunky space studs who refuse to marry Princess Ardala. They have to fight Tigerman to the death in a death arena while listening to space death disco music. Are you saying you're a hunky space stud? > The PERVERTED FBI "ILLEGALLY" installed tens of audio and video > surveillance devices in my apartment, watching me NAKED, REAL TIME > LIVE 24X7 even in my rest room taking shower, psychoanalyzing each and > every move, each and every word I said, each and every second of my > life, each and every blink of my eyes and each and every comment I > posted on the web. And how does being psychoanalyzed make you feel? > Is there a LIMIT to FBI Sadism and Perversion ?? If you want to see real edgeplay, try the Department Of "Agriculture". > If you want to contact me, please send me email at > vickyg456A@notyahoo.com by removing the letter "A" and the word "not" > from the email id. Why would I need to do that? I can always contact you by just tuning my TV to channel 3. I can reach right into the screen and touch you while you're in the shower. > I spoke to at least 200 attorneys in both Michigan and Georgia for > legal help but only about two or three attorneys were willing to help > me but asked me to show physical proof of either gps or video > surveillance devices. I did a lot of research and found a couple of > private investigators (who were ex-FBI agents) more importantly who > are knowledgeable about the latest "counter surveillance technologies" > but they also DECLINED to help me on ONE PRETEXT or the OTHER even > though I was willing to pay for their services. Hey, just because you're willing to pay for the hotel room for the whole night, that doesn't mean the dominatrix is obligated to give you more than an hour of her time. > I told these two very HIGHLY QUALIFIED and KNOWLEDGEABLE private > investigators Niles (Eagle services 866-691-7985) and another PI, > Charles Middlestadt (404-252-5322) of ISC Worldwide Inc in the Atlanta > area who are capable of finding the gps vehicle tracking devices in my > car, that I am NOT A MUSLIM and they have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ME > and even offered them to go through my attorney and help me but still > THEY DECLINED to help me OUT OF FEAR that I might be a muslim. I WOULD also DECLINE to HELP you BECAUSE you TYPE like Burgess MEREDITH used to TALK. > [...] > > Some attorneys I consulted told me in very CLEAR TERMS, that FBI > agents LIE, MANIPULATE, CHEAT and are VERY UNETHICAL in their MEANS > and METHODS. Good sadists don't lie. They make promises and they keep them. > [...] > > FBI who is supposed to catch terrorists are WASTING humongous amount > of tax payers money to ruin, wreck and destroy ordinary peoples lives > and are MORE INTERESTED and spent three years to tell me how SMART and > INFINITELY POWERFUL they are compared to me. Good sadists don't need three years to do that. I could tell you how stupid you are in half a sentence or less. Idiot. > [...] > > FBI agents have been entering my apartment regularly and torturing me > by doing whatever they want because they know I am taking medication > that puts me to sleep and I won't wake up until the next morning until > the drug effect goes away. Ah, prescription beer, eh? > The owners of these phone numbers listed below called and asked me why > I was calling them repeatedly, even though I DON'T KNOW who they are > and I NEVER called them even once. [...] > 770-253-6297 4/8/04 Hammond Stinson Uh oh. Tamara, watch out, Ge*rge H*mmond and H*rry St*nson had a child. It's gotta be some horrible deformity of a guy with a triangular head containing a cubical brain. If you see a square jammed into a triangle walking around Toronto, run away! > [...] > Once a Caucasian male FBI agent in a Comcast van threatened to ram > into my car from behind and came within half an inch of hitting me > from behind even though there was no traffic altercation between us on > a city street in Southfield in Feb 2002. Dude, that's just standard Comcast policy. They're a cable TV company. Ergo, they try to kill their customers. Good sadists consider Comcast a bunch of jerks. > [...] > FBI agents ILLEGALLY entered my apartment when I was not home in May > 2004, stole a "yellow highlighter" and after I moved to a different > Atlanta suburbs a month later entered my apartment again when I was > not home and placed the "yellow highlighter" on the carpet in the > middle of my bedroom by the time I came back from watching Fahrenheit > 9/11 movie on 6/27/04. The FBI knew that I went to watch Fahrenheit > 9/11 movie on 6/27/04 because they were watching me looking for > directions and movie times on the internet and also with the help of > gps vehicle tracking devices in my car. And yet with all this technology at their disposal they still had to borrow your primitive Earth highlighter pen... > [...] > FBI agents ILLGEALLY entered my apartment when I was not home on > 7/16/04 and LOCKED the bathroom door from inside, by the time I came > back in the evening. And then they beamed out with their FBI-style "Star Trek" Transporter, eh? > [...] > FBI agents ILLEGALLY entered my apartment when I was not home on > 7/18/04 in the morning and turned the Air Conditioner "ON" > intentionally by the time I came back to TORTURE me. Oh no, they turned your air conditioner on in July! Excuse me, but do you not know the meaning of the word "sadist"? > [...] > FBI agents have destroyed my livelihood by assasinating my character > with potential employers by making anonymous calls to them when I sent > resumes since FBI is privy to all the email addresses and phone > numbers of the recruiters and potential employers. I do NOT think this > is an EXCEPTION and imagine how many ordinary Americans have been > suffering this FBI SADISM for years without knowing it. Millions of Americans are having their air conditioners turned from "pleasantly, gently cool" to "sadistically, gently cool"!!! -- K. Ah, that cool air feels nice. It's too bad that for you, it's ALL TOO PLEASANT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the adventures of KATRINA Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:19:10 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > THE ADVENTURES OF KATRINA, THE WORLD'S FASTEST SUPERMODEL, > > WHO IS ALSO PART CAT AND THREE-QUARTERS ROBOT > > I was thinking earlier today about how ARK has had a bit of a dearth of > short fiction of late and then I read this little item. And you know what? > I'll tell you what. I'll tell you that this is where you expected me to > say that there's still a shortage of short fiction which would have been an > incredibly insensitive way of indicating that I didn't care for this short > story. But I can't do that. I can't do that because I found this story to > simply be the bees knees. Well except for the typos, but those can be > readily overlooked in the name of ART. I was thinking earlier today about how ARK lately has a dearth of _my_ short fiction, but that's just because I'm on vacation at "Star Wars" Fantasy Camp, where I get to wear a cape and play Dearth Writer. Morgan Freeman is there too, so that I can spend all day re-enacting exciting battles between Easy Reader and Dearth Writer. DEARTH WRITER Here, read this. EASY READER "You." Finished! Gimme more, bro! DEARTH WRITER I'll have another word for you, right after these messages. EASY READER Aw, man! Your writing skills are the exact opposite of outta sight! They're in touch! DEARTH WRITER Here, read this. EASY READER "Have." Done! Yowza, I've got a cravin' for more writing! DEARTH WRITER Later. (Hums to himself for a while.) Here, read this. EASY READER "Just." [... several script pages later...] EASY READER "Been." [...] EASY READER "Poisoned." DEARTH WRITER Toodle-oo! EASY READER Hey, man, bad guys don't say jive like "toodle-oo". Ack! Thud. I'm dead, kids, don't smoke. > I DEMAND MORE SHORT FICTION! Well short fiction that doesn't suck anyway. Haven't you heard? Fiction is out. "Reality" shows are in. I demand short reality -- everybody line up in front of those machine guns. The only kind of fiction that sells these days is interactive fiction. The above script was boring old non-interactive fiction. Here's an interactive version of the same story: Poor Spot! He attempted to look up a ________ in the dictionary, but word it wasn't there, so he killed ___self by drinking poison that had pronoun a skull and cross_____ on the bottle. Then he di_d. plural noun that vowel refers to pieces other than of a skeleton a, i, o, or u and never y I plan to become a Super Millionaire by coming up with a way to combine "reality" TV with interactive fiction. For instance, I could put a bunch of assholes in a room together and make them live there while I film the boring people not liking each other, and every round they'd vote on which of them would be executed on secret ballots of this format: I think that ______________ should be killed with a ________________ up the ________________, very ________ly. And in the center of the room would be a red-velvet-draped glass casket containing a mummified Gene Rayburn. Don't steal my idea before I can make this stupid idea come all too true. I like my idea because my idea is completely BLANK! -- K. AOL's new product placement on the daytime "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" is interesting. The "Ask The Audience" gimmick is now "Ask The Audience And Ask AOL Users". The survey results always look something like this, assuming "C" is correct: STUDIO | AUDIENCE | # | # | # | # | # # # | # # # # +-------------------- A B C D AOL | SUBSCRIBERS | | | | # # # # | # # # # | # # # # +-------------------- A B C D Worst possible product placement. AOL is paying money to a TV show to show everyone statistical proof that AOL subscribers aren't as smart as TV audiences. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: TV tells me AOL is dumb (was: the adventures of KATRINA) Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 23:26:45 -0400 Last week, I wrote: > > AOL's new product placement on > the daytime "Who Wants To Be > A Millionaire" is interesting. > The "Ask The Audience" gimmick > is now "Ask The Audience And > Ask AOL Users". [...] > > Worst possible product > placement. AOL is paying money > to a TV show to show everyone > statistical proof that AOL > subscribers aren't as smart > as TV audiences. Actual example: Today, a contestant was on the $100 question -- that's the first one, and the easiest one of the fifteen -- A hopeless endeavor is often said to be like "getting blood from a" what? A: Stone B: Diamond C: Brick D: Stingy Vampire She used her "Ask The Audience" lifeline because her first choice, "DURRRRRRR DOY DURRRR NUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" wasn't up there. Here's what the two surveys said (I am trying to recreate the on-screen graphics as accurately as possible:) STUDIO AUDIENCE AOL 88% 1% 3% 8% 48% 13% 13% 26% ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ___ ___ ### ### ### ### ### A B C D A B C D So how much money is AOL paying for this advertising? And in what way is Ben Stiller involved? -- K. Maw, thuh Ay-Oh-Ail done paid for itself to look stupid ay-GAIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's the Dumbass? and, Advice? Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:25:39 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > what is the purpose of a routing slip? i *thought* it was to > > indicate A) those who had already seen the routed item and B) > > those who had not already seen the routed item. clearly, i > > was mistaken, since Mr. Dumbass-with-two-PhDs came to my desk > > with routed item in hand, looked at the list--which my name > > had *clearly* been crossed off of--and asked me if i'd seen > > the memo. > > Only by not seeing the memo can one not see it, just as only by not > looking at the routing slip can one truly understand its location. I > have read the memo yet not read it, just as you have seen the routing > slip yet not understood it fully. Where, then, is the stapler? Neither of you understands the true nature of routing slips. They do not come from the verb "to route". They come from the verb "to rout". Those at the top of the routing list will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. It's a good thing those homonyms aren't also antonyms because then the brain cell I've been devoting to "'raise' and 'raze' are the only English words which are homonyms that are also antonyms" would feel wasted and it would be unhappy and it would take me forever to find that particular brain cell so I could put something else into it to make it happy, perhaps a microscopic teddy bear. -- K. So why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway and why is "fun size" candy less fun than regular size? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eddie and Louie and Guests Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:28:57 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Well, let's see. Eddie looks like Fozzie the Bear and Louie looks > > like a mop that was posessed by one of the creepies from the first > > 'Ghostbusters'. > > Best dog description with missing 's' EVER! Louie looks like a smop? What breed is he? A scocker paniel? Someday I will turn the world of "The Muppet Show" upside down by crashing the set in my "Fozzie The Frog" costume. -- K. I'm mean to puppets and other non-living things with hands inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: George, was Re: Christopher Reeve Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:33:57 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Christopher Reeve was the *only* actor I ever got gurl-chub for. Whoever > is responsible for this death will never be forgiven. So does this mean that you're going to become a supervillain roaming the streets of Metropolis to avenge the death of Superman? You know what the good thing about living in a Superman-free Metropolis would be? You'd get to see Batman and Spider-Man all the time but they'd have to ignore you because you'd be in Metropolis but they'd be in Gotham City and New York City respectively and so they'd have to ignore you because you're on different overlapping but highly visible planes of alternate realities. Einstein proved that when he read some comic books. -- K. Boston needs a superhero -- I'm tired of fighting regular heroes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KNOW YOUR MONOPOLY! GARRRAGH! Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:47:54 -0400 Jim Blackburn (wqgzasx02@hamsneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > [concerning a CNN story about the world's boring Monopoly champion] > > For crying out loud..."Mr. Monopoly"? Any self-respecting journalist > would know that the guy's name is Rich Uncle Pennybags. Used to be. But then they made fun of him on that "Simpsons" episode where Mr. Burns cursed him out so his parent company, Milton Bradley or Parker Brothers, changed his name to something easier for toddlers to say, because nobody over the age of eight could enjoy Monopoly. I can't remember the difference between Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers. They both kept coming up with different ways to make parcheesi less fun. Pop-O-Matic my ass. > Hey! I think I'll go and rename other board game characters at my whim, > just like the Associated Press! Remember Cavity Sam, the genital-less > sap from Operation? Poppycock! His name is Hole Jones. Miss Scarlet > from Clue? Changed...to THE RUDDY WHORE! In the original Swiss version of Clue, Colonel Mustard was Madame Curry. However, they have since split it into Swiss French and Swiss German and Swiss Italian editions (no Swiss Romansch, apparently Gypsies don't buy a lot of stuff.) So he or she is now Le Colonel Moutarde, Oberst von Gatow, or Colonnello Mustard. I liked Madame Curry much better because she was one spicy lady! What a deliciously saucy wench! In 1996, the Finnish edition changed Colonel Green from Pastori VihreŠ (Pastor Green) to Pastori ViherlevŠ (Pastor Green Algae). Apparently he wasn't slimy enough. And this is why I had http://www.cluedofan.com/foreign.htm on my bookmarks list all these years. -- K. I still like how the Japanese version lets you kill someone with a trunk. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A New Joke Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:52:26 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Why did the turkey cross the road? > > To speak to Tim Bruening. > > Turkeys are ninety-four (94) meters across and five (5) inches deep. > > Turkeys come from Batman. > > There are eighty-six (86) turkeys available to the cosmic universe. > > Will more turkeys be available in the future? > > No. > > Why not? > > Tim Bruening keeps the turkeys distracted. > > Are you tired of this yet? > > I am. What is this, open-mike night at the Ouija parlor? Turkeys do come from Batman, one of our solar system's twelve planets named after mythological figures from the olden days, just like Santa Claus and Herpes. The joke is that you can't even keep a turkey tracted, let alone distracted. Turkeys are so stupid they don't even know they're turkeys. Turkeys should sit on it. -- K. Turkeys have an IQ of five (4). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My son is in trouble. Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 14:57:30 -0400 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > He got suspended from school today. His teacher told him that he > > > was likely to fail sex education. He threatened to kick her in > > > the nuts. > > > > Your son's teacher is a transsexual? > > No, and i think exactly that's why he's going to fail sex ed. Then you should sue the school for causing your son to fail sex ed by not having enough transgendered teachers. -- K. And don't let them assign them all to the gym and art classes like most schools do. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A big step towards the creation of Animal 57! Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 16:27:29 -0400 [from nature.com] -> -> Published online: 11 October 2004; | doi:10.1038/news041011-3 Doi? Doi? Vas ist das doi? Is it like a stardate only not real? -> Square bacteria grown in lab for the first time -> -> Carina Dennis -> -> Salt-loving microbe will help study of life in extreme environments. -> -> An unusual, square bacterium that has eluded scientists since its -> discovery almost 25 years ago has been grown in the lab, by two -> independent teams. This means researchers can finally investigate -> the lifestyle and physiology of what is one of the most -> salt-resistant microbes. But salt crystals are also square. They should grow bacteria that have square holes in them, so that the salt crystals could go right through without stopping. -> British microbiologist Anthony Walsby first scooped these salty -> squares out of a hypersaline pond near the Red Sea in 1980. Since -> then, cultivating "Walsby's square archaeon" in the lab has been a -> holy grail for microbiologists studying salt-loving (halophilic) -> bacteria. -> -> The bacteria are around 0.15 micrometres across and have a -> remarkable shape, forming wafer-thin, regular tiles. "They look -> like postage stamps," says Henk Bolhuis, of the University of -> Groningen, the Netherlands, who led one of the groups and has an -> article in the press with Environmental Microbiology. I wanted to build a house out of Legos, but I decided it would be too expensive. So instead, I'm just going to buy one of these bacteria, and then after a few weeks I'll have 64 quadrillion of them and I can just stack them up with tweezers. -> To study a microbe in the lab, it is essential to be able to -> cultivate a plentiful supply of pure sample; it would be -> impractical to regularly collect fresh samples from remote -> locations. But despite numerous attempts, Walsby's archaeon has -> resisted being cultured. -> -> "The assumption has been that it was ungrowable," says Mike -> Dyall-Smith, whose team at the University of Melbourne, Australia, -> is the first to publish a method for cultivation, in the -> Federation of European Microbiological Societies' Microbiology -> Letters. They think some bacteria are ungrowable? The bottom shelf of my refrigerator disproves all the scientists in the world. Hey, I got bacterial growing there that are all kinds of crazy shapes. -> Salty diet -> -> The trick was to recognize that less is more. Both Bolhuis's and -> Dyall-Smith's groups grew the microbe in very low concentrations -> of nutrients. In conditions with more nutrients, other species -> grow faster and swamp the slow-growing squares. -> -> The culture needs to be hypersaline: at least 18% salt, which is -> roughly the same concentration as soy sauce. And the saltier the -> sample used to start the culture the better, because this enhances -> the chance that the square bacteria will have survived in greater -> numbers than the other microbes have. #7: Square bacteria in soy sauce with egg roll, $4.95. -> The feat also takes plenty of patience. It took Bolhuis's team -> two-and-a-half years to get a pure culture. This is because the -> microbes grow extremely slowly, taking 1 to 2 days to double in -> number. By contrast, the lab workhorse Escherichia coli replicates -> in just 20 minutes. If they take 2 days to double, that means that in two years they'd only be able to grow 7,500,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000 of them! That's barely more than a billion googols! However, according to my Graphing Calculator desk accessory, in that time you could grow "infinity" E coli bacteria. That's clearly a better value for your bacteria dollar -- a penny only gets you 7.5 zillion of the expensive little square ones, or infinity infinity timesed by infinity plus infinity infinity to the infinity of the cheap ones. -> Now that microbiologists have cultivated the bacterium, -> taxonomists can finally get on with the formalities, including -> giving it an official name. The Dutch group is proposing -> Haloquadratum walsbyi, in honour of its discoverer. It remains to -> be determined whether there are multiple species or strains of the -> microbe. Rejected names for cubical germs with no brains: ...naah, too easy. -> And for halophile enthusiasts, the result opens the door to -> exploring supersalty microbe communities. "It's an exciting -> breakthrough for studying the ecosystem," says Dyall-Smith. -> -> The microbe is also extremely tolerant of magnesium chloride. -> According to Bolhuis, this makes it a model organism for studying -> what life might be like in extraterrestrial corners of the solar -> system, such as the magnesium-rich brines on Jupiter's moons -> Europa and Ganymede. ...provided aliens ever cover Europa and Ganymede with soy sauce. Wasn't that a "Lexx" episode? The one with the big soy sauce orgy? -- K. I have discovered a bacterium shaped like a potato chip shaped like Abe Lincoln. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Highly important newspaper article of the day. Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 17:21:23 -0400 [from theherald.co.uk] -> -> [...] -> -> Wind of change -> -> SCOTLAND'S defeat against Norway on Saturday reminded reader -> Jim McLean of taking his two sons to the family section at Hampden -> for the Slovenia game, where he was sitting next to a boy of about -> eight who persistently blew a horn to the annoyance of those around. -> -> Eventually the youngster blew the horn far too near the ear of his -> own father on his other side. The Glasgow dad quietly told him: -> "Son, if you do that again, the next time it makes a toot is because -> you farted." So the kid's supposed to put the horn up his butt and fart into it really loud? How is that supposed to be pleasant for those around him, let alone zany enough to be a legitimate newspaper article? I will leave it up to the reader to determine whether I have Google News set to alert me to news articles which contain "fart", "farted", "you farted", or "because you farted". Isn't modern technology wonderful? -- K. Google News: If anyone farts anywhere in the world, you'll hear it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oatmealenema oatmealenema oatmealenema. Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 17:48:55 -0400 [from dailyrecord.co.uk] -> -> BOWEL OF PORRIDGE -> Oct 11 2004 -> -> Prison doc uses breakfast dish as lubricant for con's internal exam -> -> By Cara Page -> -> A JAILED drug dealer is claiming 30,000 pounds damages for a bizarre -> internal examination -- using porridge as a lubricant. Um... wouldn't the porridge... have to be... extremely... extremely... runny? When I make oatmeal, I like it to have the texture of Silly Putty. But then, I'm not a prison doctor. (At least, not officially.) -> Former prison doctor Alexander McFarlane admits he used milk from -> an old bowl of porridge when he examined Colin Hancock in Perth Prison. -> -> But he denies Hancock's claim the porridge was also covered in -> cigarette ash. It's the delicious, smoky taste of new Quaker Ashes & Cream Oatmeal! -> Dr McFarlane was called to see Hancock -- serving a four-year -> sentence for cannabis possession with intent to supply -- when he -> claimed he could not pass urine. -> -> He says he asked permission to carry out a rectal examination. -> -> But Hancock denies that and says the incident brought back buried -> memories of childhood sex abuse and left him feeling suicidal. -> -> Dr McFarlane, who has left the prison service, said: 'He said he -> was unable to pass urine. -> -> 'You can check the back of the bladder which is next door to the -> rectum. He gave me permission. -> -> 'I said we needed lubricant which we didn't have. I used some milk -> from the porridge. -> -> 'He claimed the thing was adulterated with cigarettes, but if it -> had been I would not have used it. -> -> 'I said to him if you are prepared to eat it in your mouth then it -> would be OK to apply it to the bottom end and he agreed.' Then he reached for the bottle of hot sauce... -- K. All together now: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Kibological Australian Connection Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:49:48 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I don't understand it. What is the connection between Kibo, who lives in > Boston, and so many Australians that post to alt.religion.kibology? Surgical staples. Hey, you asked. -- K. Now come here and hold out your left upper eyelid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Signs of aging Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:50:28 -0400 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > So, I was feeling kind of old anyway today. But when I got home, my new > School House Rock! 30th Anniversary Collection DVD was waiting for me! > What better way to relive my youthful optimism? > > Spudley and I first chose "A Noun is a Person, Place, or Thing." I'm > happily singing along. Then he asks, "Mom, what's a 'record machine'?" > > WAHHHHHH! Okay, inspired by "A Noun is a Person, Place, or Thing," it's time for a Seventies-style dystopian vision: "Daddy, what was a 'thing'?" THE DAY THERE WAS NO STUFF! A Roger Corman production of a Frank Zappa film. Starring Harvey Keitel as the little bald boy from the year 2976. Coming this Christmas to a theater near you. THE HUMAN ADVENTURE IS NOW OVER. -- K. One day there will be no stuff, and people will have to play rollerball without rollers or balls! Especially the eunuchs! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Signs of aging Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:53:45 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THE DAY THERE WAS NO STUFF! A Roger Corman production of a Frank Zappa > > film. Starring Harvey Keitel as the little bald boy from the year 2976. > > If you have an actual script for this, I can get it to Harvey's reader. > Seriously. Okay, so it's a "Pulp Fiction" sequel. After Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) saw the light and left the mob life so that Vince (John Travolta) could get shot when Bruce Willis's generic imitation Pop Tarts popped up, there were some loose ends still to be tied up. Such as, would the Gimp and Mr. Wolf (Harvey Keitel) get together, find true love, and star in a wacky sitcom? I have two completely different, fully-formed ideas: "Wolf & The Gimp" or "Gimp & Mr. Wolf" Whichever one of those two Mr. Keitel wants to use is fine by me, but in either case he owes me a hundred million dollars for thinking of either title. I'll reduce it to ninety million if, after the shoot, I get to keep all the props, including the Gimp. So when Harvey Keitel's reader reads stuff to him, does he read it in Harvey's diction? Like in "Star Knight" (aka "Knight Of The Dragon") where he plays the medieval Spanish goomba? -- K. As for what happened between Marcellus and Zed after Bruce Willis left, that's the sequel Mel Gibson will want to make. Oh, and someone needs to make a sequel where the two Marilyn Monroes get it on. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Signs of aging Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:59:58 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Now there are stores were people by clothes made of rubber as they want > to sweat. All spelling and grammar aside... "Now"? What, is it still 1960 down there in Australia? Quick, someone get this kid some back issues of AtomAge. Or at least show him the scene in the original "Stepford Wives" where they discuss the latex catsuit. > Kibo could tell you more probably, but they are also meant to opening > one such store in the city I live so I will have to go check it out. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT PERVERTED STUFF WITH BAD GRAMMAR!!! > (No I haven't gone to check out "Eagle Pleather" yet, I just haven't > got around to it.) Don't say "check out". Say "cruise". -- K. Oh, and I hear they might be making a "Batman" movie with rubber in it someday. They should go back to the original "Batman" where Catwoman wore a burlap granny dress. And good thing they haven't yet tarted up "The Avengers" with any kinky stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Signs of aging Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:58:09 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My kids don't believe that there were no CDs or microwaves when I was > a kid. Once they found that out, they started asking me if we had > refrigerators and telephones. Last weekend I was watching a videotape of "Taxi Driver" with a friend. When Travis Bickle was watching "American Bandstand" on his old B&W set I pointed at it and said, "Daddy, why is the crazy man's TV all gray and shit?" but I don't think he got the reference to that old propagandamercial. > Fortunately, I have a dad who grew up with no indoor plumbing I can > send them to. Outhouses trump all and I no longer have to be part > of the ancient relic discussion. (booming alien overlord voice:) OUTHOUSES TRUMP ALL! You puny Earth humans shall bow down before the might of our gigantic, three-story outhouses! > -- > Paula > "I think I'm having the best childhood I've ever had!" ---Mimi And what do her other personalities think of their childhoods? -- K. After "Taxi Driver", we watched the 3-D interactive version of "A Clockwork Orange". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:02:57 -0400 Ljutefisk (ljutefisk@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Just about every Live Journal entry I see lists a song the poster is > listening to. Is everyone but me always listening to music while they > are crafting their missives? In general, I hate music. I would never, ever posted to the Internet while listening to it. When I do want to listen to music, I always listen to it all by itself so that I can properly hate every subtle nuance. To illustrate how much music overwhelms my poor inadequate neurological system, I could be put on a crucifix and severely flogged and I'd still spend the first twenty minutes thinking, "I'd enjoy this a lot more if they'd just turn off that damn 'From The Earth To The Moon' soundtrack album." And that's music of a sort I might actually be able to appreciate if I heard it all by itself (Michael Kamen's instrumental score.) Music with words _really_ grates on me. Know the scene near the end of "A Clockwork Orange" where young Alex is trapped in the room above the giant speakers playing Beethoven, and he starts pounding his head against the floor because the music is unbearable? That's how some music with vocals makes me feel. (This is nothing compared to how some synesthetes feel, but I digress. I wish I were synesthetic instead of just having a random collection of agnosias.) Anyway, for me to enjoy music, it has to be all by itself, and it also has to have no words, and here's the interesting part: It really should be the soundtrack to something I've seen. I seem to compensate for my partial amusia by recalling visual imagery. So I'm the guy who has to see the music video before listening to the album. > Is it considered poor form to not enter a song title and band name at > the end of my LJ entries? Is it a certain ticket to the uncool table if > I omit it? Sometimes when I tell people "I don't like music" it really freaks them out. Music is such an enormous part of most people's lives that some folks just can't comprehend that some people don't appreciate certain art forms. "What type of TV do you like?" "I don't like TV." "Oh. What type of music do you like?" "I don't like music." "What? That's not allowed! You must like some type!" (I do like TV, though its attraction is fading fast -- my TiVos have done their job well in showing me all the TV shows I've ever wanted to see, and now I've kind of used up TV. So soon I may be someone who ignores both TV and music.) I've never met anyone else who claims to simply dislike music. I don't like or dislike specific genres -- I dislike the experience of hearing music, unless just the right situation is involved. It's akin to how some synesthetes can't eat in restaurants that have the walls painted the wrong color. I pretty much can't enjoy music if it has singing and stuff. -- K. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS (was: Dear LJ expert) Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 12:13:07 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I dislike sports. This throws people WAY off. > > Glad to know I'm not the only one around. > > I enjoy trolling sports fans when they just assume I'm a fan, by talking > about how great that game was between [random baseball team] and [random > hockey team]. Oooh, Mad Libs! Can I play? "Washington Senators" and "Ottawa Senators". Actually, this year you should be able to troll people by just telling them about an NHL game you saw last night. Just make up any scores you want until the strike ends when the league disbands next year. Did you see that 13-0 Sens/Blues game when Patrick Lalime got beat up by Bill Haverchuk? -- K. Also, Lots, I've never before seen anyone spell that word with a "W" instead of a "G". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: everyone hates music less than I do (was: Dear LJ expert) Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:40:42 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo doesn't consume music. I can name a dozen bad movies, brands > > of canned chili, digital cameras, and typefaces that have received > > significant product placement in Kibo's posts, but not one band or > > "musical personality". > > That was written before Cat Stevens showed up, granted, but hadn't > he posted about that insane noise in the Strawberry Shortcake game > by this point? You mean: SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP EEEEEEE SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP SKREEP SKRERP EEEEEEEE SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP EEEEEEEEEEEEEE SKRERP To me, regular music sounds like what the Purple Pieman's theme music from the Atari 2600 "Strawberry Shortcake" cartridge sounds like to you. So you can imagine what SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP EEEEEEE sounds like to me. Okay, time for today's pop quiz: Match the Atari 2600 cartridge to its music! Pac-Man SKRERP SKRERP SKRERP EEEEEEE SKRERP Strawberry Shortcake BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BA BUZZ SPANK SPANK SPANK Miniature Golf DEE BLEE DEE BLURP Reactor BONK -- K. The Purple Pieman _is_ a "musical personality"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:02:40 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In general, I hate music. I would never, ever posted to the Internet > > while listening to it. > > I'm sort of the opposite: someone who likes music, and rarely listens > to it. [...] I like music enough that I don't want it to be mere > background for something else. Unless it's a movie. Next question: Why do porn movies have that music? And why do straight porn and gay porn have different types of crappy music? > > To illustrate how much music overwhelms my poor inadequate neurological > > system, I could be put on a crucifix and severely flogged and I'd still > > spend the first twenty minutes thinking, "I'd enjoy this a lot more if > > they'd just turn off that damn 'From The Earth To The Moon' soundtrack > > album." > > Whereas I'd probably think "I'd enjoy this music a lot more if they'd > stop flogging me." Well, goody for you, but my point is that I find music so irritating that it can actually overpower things like sensations of intense physical pain. (You could measure the annoyingness of different songs by how many minutes of torture they could overwhelm -- for instance, Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" would trump eight hours of having fingernails pulled out by Hitler.) Pain is one thing -- it feels like pain and can be dealt with -- but music is irritating, and the irritation wins over the pain. The interesting part is that I really like Beethoven's Ninth, because I've seen "A Clockwork Orange" so many times (Kubrick's movies are so visually wonderful, and I have to associate music with visual imagery in order to appreciate it) that I'm essentially the opposite of young Alex. I like Ludwig Van, but most other music makes me want to pound my head against the floor. Also I wear my underwear on the inside. -- K. So how many of you are reading alt.religion.kibology with lidlocks on your glazzies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:37:30 -0400 Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:14:10 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.3 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In general, I hate music. > > I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. > > In fact, I even called it 4 1/2 years ago: > > Well, this is all well and good but I'm afraid none of these bands > are "Kibological" in the canonical sense. From what I can gather, > Kibo doesn't consume music. I can name a dozen bad movies, brands > of canned chili, digital cameras, and typefaces that have received > significant product placement in Kibo's posts, but not one band or > "musical personality". > > I submit that Kibo is one of those people who just don't listen to > music unless it's being played under titles or credits. I've read > that a certain percentage of the population is unable to "process" > music due to a neurological condition similar to aphasia. Aphasia is a linguistic difficulty characterized by an inability to figure out what the hell people are saying when they're asking, "Are you okay? Shouldn't you have been wearing a helmet?" You're looking for the words "amusia" or "auditory agnosia" (the latter being a general term for any difficulty identifying sounds, voices, etc.) I don't have total amusia but I am tone-deaf and music (especially with words) grates on me in a very irritating way which may not have a specific name. > I believe this would be an opportune moment to unveil my plan to rent > the apartment below Kibo's and blast Beethoven's Ninth Symphony over > loudspeakers, all day, every day. That reminds me, I need to buy a longer cattle prod that can reach through the holes I've been drilling in the floor. AND THEN WE'LL SEE WHO CAN MAKE WHO HAVE APHASIA!!! > k., the Anti-Kibo Then shouldn't you be "Xarlo"? -- K. And I _did_ explicitly endorse Interrobang Cartel, even before I wrote the clever lyrics to "Secret Bonus Track": "I hate music, but I don't really mind any of these songs." -- Kibo ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:05:43 -0400 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't have total amusia > > And that's why you are not easily amused. I _am_ easily amused! All I have to know is that nobody else in the world is interested in something and then it becomes fascinating to me. -- K. I want to marry a volvox. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 21:59:30 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've never met anyone else who claims to simply dislike music. > > I dislike sports. This throws people WAY off. Why? There are lots of other guys who hate sports, just like you! They're called girls. > > It's akin to how some synesthetes can't eat in restaurants that > > have the walls painted the wrong color. > > Synesthetes??? > > Unless the walls are red and blue I don't see what the problem is. It's not a matter of seeing the problem, it's a matter of tasting the problem. > (For those of you who are color blind, red and blue produce a 'flashing' > effect when seen from the corners of your eyes) For some synesthetes, any colors they see affect what they can taste. Me, I just become violent whenever I'm in a Barbie-pink ganzfeld. But that's true for anyone. If you don't believe me, go to the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us. -- K. MUST! CRUSH! BARBIE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:14:38 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com ) wrote: > > > > I get antsy in crowded Wal-Marts. Too much visual stimulation and > > small aisles. > > Stop perving at the checkout chicks. "to perve" is now a verb? A verb that can be directed at specific people? Hmm. How tightly can the rays be focused? Can they be directed into people's homes -- say, through a rubber hose -- into a faucet of some sort for those who need immediate access to hot and cold running perversion? -- K. Lots42 is into ants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear LJ expert Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:11:39 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Me, I just become violent whenever I'm in a Barbie-pink ganzfeld. > > But that's true for anyone. If you don't believe me, go to the > > Barbie aisle at Toys R Us. > > I get antsy in crowded Wal-Marts. Too much visual stimulation and > small aisles. Shopping malls are even worse. They're an absolute riot of visual and auditory stimulation. They're responsible for the rare instances when my prosopagnosia is pushed from "can't recognize faces" all the way to "can't see faces" and "can't tell people from wallpaper". That happens once or twice a year. I love shopping at malls, but they're really hostile environments to our delicate perceptual systems. I figure that by the end of the year every mall will install lasers and strobe lights in addition to the giant multicolored Christmas ornaments they're all just about to put up. Those hideously outscale things give me the willies in a "Land Of The Giants" sort of way. -- K. So is anyone posting to alt.religion.kibology from inside a ganzfeld right now? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bad acronyms in retail. Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:15:37 -0400 I recently saw an intimate garment I wished to purchase (no, you can't ask) but I hesitated before buying it because I didn't know what size it was. All the tag said was "O/S". Then I saw that the hanger was marked, in tiny letters, "OSFA". Two minutes later I purchased the thing after I realized it was "One Size" and "One Size Fits All". (Actually, I gauged it by eye as a "small" -- it fits me fine, but there's no way it could or should be worn by "all", since nobody wants to see a small thong on a large man.) Then later in the day I saw a Walgreen's pharmacy where the electronic sign out front advertised a good price on "KODAK 3PK OTUC". That time it took me only one minute to figure out it was three "One Time Use Cameras". Can we please tell people that the fact that anyone can make up acronyms doesn't guarantee that anyone can understand them? Acronyms are stupid, IYKWIMAESALTOTLAYPB. -- K. The camera sale was for Sweetest Day, a holiday they only celebrate in places like Detroit, because the rest of the country sends all their unsold eight-month-old Valentine's Day choccolates to Detroit for disposal. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tiny T-back thongs tucked tight (was: Bad acronyms in retail.) Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:20:06 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] nobody wants to see a small thong on a large man. > > I suspect most people would rather see it than have it be invisible. Okay, so to test this theory, I'm going to write a story titled "The Emperor's New Striptease", in which a naked fat guy attempts to do a striptease despite that he's already naked and the audience is shouting "Put it on! Put it all on!" I don't know what this will prove -- that will be for the Nobel committee to determine in order to award me the Nobel Prize For Making Fun Of Fat Guys Not Wearing Real Thongs. -- K. Okay, picture this: Michael Moore in a tight G-string going down a well-oiled slide into a silken bed. Bad idea, or new Burger King ad campaign? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tiny T-back thongs tucked tight (was: Bad acronyms in retail.) Date: Thu, 21 Oct 2004 21:20:11 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, picture this: > > Michael Moore in a tight G-string > > going down a well-oiled slide > > into a silken bed. Bad idea, > > or new Burger King ad campaign? > > That will haunt my dreams eternally. And then you'll wake up screaming and roll over and see that you're in bed with the Burger King, who is holding out a fake Egg McMuffin. He holds your mouth open and crams the sandwich down your throat, causing you to bloat up to become the new Michael Moore, and from then on you're unable to pronounce the word "Washington". Also, you're now the Burger Consort, exuding grease from every pore as the King rolls you over with a smile on his face... -- K. Then Al Franken jumps into bed with the two of you and yells, "YAHTZEE!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Question Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:56:24 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > when might it be acceptable to wear a flannel, blue and black > houndstooth dress, neon yellow and black houndstooth tights, > and Birkenstocks--all at the same time? Depends. Are you a fat guy? -- K. If so, you still might be able to pull off that look by carrying around some giant candy and shrieking "WE! ARE! THE! LOLLIPOP! GUILD!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Question Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:19:25 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Depends. Are you a fat guy? > > uh, i don't *think* so...? Fat guys never think so. Here's the test: Take off your clothes and look straight down. If you can't see your penis, you're a fat guy. -- K. Also, they said on TV that wedgies are the cure for cancer, so everyone line up and give me fifty bucks for every wedgie you want. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Question Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:40:52 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fat guys never think so. Here's the test: Take off your > > clothes and look straight down. If you can't see your penis, > > you're a fat guy. > > your theory doesn't account for the depth of my bitterness. > bitterness like mine can *only* come from ovaries. Or from dark chocolate, if you're a supertaster. I still want someone to make a line of convenience foods just for supertasters. Lots of really complex curries, and very wimpy chocolate for dessert. Also there should be a line of convenience foods for people who can eat meat but not cheese, including cheeseless bacon & sausage pizza, cheeseless bacon & sausage lasagna, and cheeseless bacon & sausage breakfast burritos. And then the two should be combined so that everything contains bacon, sausage, curry, no cheese, and no dark chocolate. Mmm, no dark chocolate. -- K. I CAN TASTE THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dey say you BRADE RUNNA!!! (was: A Fashion Question) Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:13:05 -0400 Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I CAN TASTE THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE!!! > > Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. Just for that, I'm going to smash my face through your bathroom's tiled wall and yell "Here's Johnny!" Oh, wait, wrong movie. There were no references to "The Shining" in "Blade Runner", unless you count the fact that the final scene (of the original version) was entirely made from footage filmed by Stanley Kubrick for "The Shining". -- K. Also, when the Spinner flies over the city, one of the buildings is obviously a sideways Millennium Falcon model, and if you look close you can see a tiny Han Solo saying "George, you can write this shit, you just can't say it," but he's mumbling it woodenly because he's hoping that'll make the director take it out of the director's cut in twenty years. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dey say you BRADE RUNNA!!! (was: A Fashion Question) Date: Thu, 21 Oct 2004 13:19:32 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just for that, I'm going to smash my face through your bathroom's > > tiled wall and yell "Here's Johnny!" Oh, wait, wrong movie. > > There were no references to "The Shining" in "Blade Runner", unless > > you count the fact that the final scene (of the original version) was > > entirely made from footage filmed by Stanley Kubrick for "The Shining". > > you mean filmed FOR Stanley Kubrick, since while he went through all > the work of building a full-size replica of the Rockies just outside > Borehamwood, that was still a second-unit crew he sent up in the > helicopter to film it. Also, that one time he almost had sex with a woman? He actually built a full-size replica of her instead. By the way, would someone care to explain to me why anyone would buy a robot boy who is so poorly constructed that his face falls off if he swallows spinach but is programmed to eat spinach anyway? And what about that business in the pool? Shouldn't the Consumer Product Safety Commission have gone after the kid? -- K. And what was it about Stanley Kubrick's fetish for tiled walls? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Fashion Question Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 23:42:30 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Also there should be a line of convenience foods for > > people who can eat meat but not cheese, including cheeseless bacon & > > sausage pizza, cheeseless bacon & sausage lasagna, and cheeseless > > bacon & sausage breakfast burritos. > > Don't you have Kosher pizza places near where you live? Dude, what part of bacon don't you understand -- the red part or the white part? I live about a mile from the kosher part of town, and believe me, Harvard Street is the most bacon-free street in Boston. > I think the bakery "Glicks" also sells pizzas you can cook at home, > but I can never get served when I go there. My local kosher supermarket sells a few types of parve pizzas, but you have to cover them with meat to make them worth eating. You know, the same thing you'd have to do to make McDonalds food edible. -- K. Oh, and you did just get served, girlfriend. SNAP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: John F. Winston Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 21:15:17 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Who is this guy, why does he post strange messages only to this newsgroup? > Hardly anyone ever reads them, and even Kibo has made a killfile for him. > I know because of the convenient picture on Kibo's "Killfile Page." Uh, dude, read the caption for that picture. You know, the caption that says I didn't actually killfile Mr. Winston. I tinted some lines of the picture different colors to simulate scorefile/killfile activity -- I don't actually auto-select or kill that particular set of people (I make it a point of not revealing the specific entries in my filter list, for reasons that should be obvious.) Some of us like "strange messages". If you don't, you might not be reading the correct newsgroup. There must be a comp.semiconductors.boring for you. Also, how the fuck do you know what other people read when you can't even read a whole caption, let alone the articles I've posted in followup to Mr. Winston's? Now be quiet or you'll find out what "furniture stripping" _really_ means. -- K. And just to prove you can't figure out whether or not anyone in particular is in my killfile, notice that I'm still reading _your_ articles, ottoman boy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: John F. Winston Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 20:59:03 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > John F. Winston is a gentleman in the true sene of the word. That he > > often posts about aliens and the occult Is Allowed, and Kibo *hasn't* > > killfiled him. His adventures with his dog, Yogi, are classics and you > > might Google them. You need to spend less time worshipping Kibo's > > website and more time propping up Kibo's feet, furniture boy. > > [...] > > John F. Winston is awesome. I love his articles, but I have never witnessed > him post replies to articles. I think they'd be zany and fun. And _that's_ why he won't do it. Because _you_ think they'd be "zany and fun". You wouldn't know zany if you used Lucille Ball as a floatation device in a vat of acid. > Also, since Kevin S. Wilson is allowed to be mean, and Kibo is himself, > they can address me as furniture. I didn't allow them to do this, > as I am the furniture, but they allowed themselves. Let's get one thing st