From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bad acronyms in retail. Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 01:12:39 -0400 A couple days ago, I wrote: > > Can we please tell people that the fact that anyone can make up acronyms > doesn't guarantee that anyone can understand them? Acronyms are stupid, > IYKWIMAESALTOTLAYPB. I just realized I forgot to write down my secret explanation of what I was thinking when I wrote that, and it took me about ten minutes to reverse-engineer it until I remembered what I meant: "IYKWIMAESALTOTLAYPB" = "If You Know What I Mean And Enjoy Stupid Acronyms Like This One That Laughs At Your Puny Brain" Hope this helps. Just thought you'd like to know. Have an ice day. -- K. NGETTAMTAMD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bad acronyms in retail. Date: Sat, 23 Oct 2004 11:44:01 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > NGETTAMTAMD > > This whole thread reminds me of an article I saw recently linked to Fark. > Apparently, Malaysia's local language has become so embedded with acronyms, > in television, books, magazines, radio and other media, that any outsider > has a very difficult time learning the language. Lingual purists complained > of the corruption of the language. There is no way you understood that article, furn. > I think it's funny. I mean, it's harmless, really, isn't it? You wouldn't think it was funny if you knew what "Malaysia" stood for. -- K. The last four letters are "Your Sensitive Inner Areas". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm watching TV from outer space! Date: Sat, 23 Oct 2004 17:39:39 -0400 So, I had a choice of watching the endless World Series pre-game shows or popping in my bootleg DVD of the Turkish "Star Trek". The first half of the theme music is familiar, but then it segues into a go-go surf rock version of the "Twilight Zone" theme. Kaptan Kirk has an appropriate girdle... and a wildly inappropriate mullet! He looks vaguely like Michael "Bully" Herbig except only unintentionally gay. Mister Spak must have been the result of a nationwide search to find the only Turk who looks like Leonard Nimoy, except with ears twice as pointy. Dr Mc Coy looks exactly like Andy Kaufman as Latka. Wow, the Transporter's special effect is scratched right into the film. Curiously, all the alien planet ruins look just like everyday Turkish ruins. Gotta go, I'm just up to the point where robot Tarzan starts following them around for no reason. This promises to be quite the viewing experience. -- K. Oh... my... god... it... just... got... a... million... times... weirder... and... I... think... it's... supposed... to... be... a... comedy... help. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "than not" Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 16:36:41 -0400 crgr (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So this piece of string [...] had a steering wheel in his crotch? > > Go ahead and tell us about your new hair color. Blue is a color that was first discovered in 1937 by Thomas Jefferson when he accidentally spilled bauxite on his Wankel rotary engine. Since then, blue has been produced on an industrial scale by using blast furnaces to subject natural blue raspberries to a combination of the Bessemer process and old-fashioned tender love. The resulting color, orange, is then converted to blue by adding blue dye to it in accordance with Federal Bureau Of Hue And Saturation standards. Today, blue is used by people in all walks of life, and someday soon everyone will have the opportunity to look at one or more blue things on a daily basis for a modest fee. -- K. There is currently no known antidote to blue, but someday soon scientists hope to communicate with blue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "than not" Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 18:50:26 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > pete (pfilandd@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > I don't like when > > people say "different than" > > instead of "different from" > > You have a different peeve from I do. I have a longer peevis than you. I certainly do not have a longer peevis _from_ you. Nor do I have a longer peevis for you, though I might have it against you if you're in a crowded elevator at the wrong time. IT'S LATIN FOR TOE!!! -- K. You can make up anything as long as you use a synthetic language like Latin. Latin's a dead language, therefore anyone who claims to understand it is a big liar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Firefox Question Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 21:52:08 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I have to say that if the furniture at my house > > > acted like [Seth] does on usenet, I'd chop it up and burn it. > > > > Do you mean in a fireplace, or just with the end of a lit cigar? > > I need to know since I may need to take up smoking if I get laid off > > in three and a half hours. > > Not another one. Do you need some more hot habenero sauce > to go with your chocolate? Still wanna borrow my rifle? > Make you a quilt? Yes, yes, and yes, but only if it's 100% leather. And same for the quilt. > I know.How about if I squeeze Seth's two brain cushion cavities together > until the stuffing pops out? No. He's mine. You don't so much as put a clothespin on him without asking me. Anyway, I spent the day copying my files off the office computer (interrupted by a power failure, no less) and packing up stuff. Again, the boss wasn't around to actually terminate me, so I need to go in for a third day this week to find out whether the reason I've been cleaning out my office for the past two days is because I've been laid off. I'm really tempted to wear an old olive drab fatigue jacket and a Mohawk haircut and go in there and unscrew the sliders from my desk drawers while doing a really bad Travis Bickle impression. After all, the first week I was employed, I walked around the office in a monk's robe and a gas mask to make sure they knew I was dangerous. So I think they'll be prepared to dive under the desks if I show up looking like a psycho instead of my normal, dapper, debonair self. -- K. Dial (617) 739-7281 Thursday afternoon or evening and ask for Kibo if you want to try to distract me from my pretend killing spree. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Big fucking riot in half an hour. Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2004 23:15:51 -0400 Okay, so right now, we're in the midst of a lunar eclipse and I just got laid off (I think!) and the Red Sox are just about to win their first World Series since MCMXVIII, and one of those three things is expected to cause a really big riot in my neighborhood. I'm glad this isn't a home game. Of course, the riot last week was during an away game... I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope the Red Sox win tonight, just because that way my weekend won't be totally messed up. On second thought, I take that back, I'm still hoping a meteor crushes both teams before the current game ends. -- K. So the Patriots won the Super Bowl and the Red Sox are winning the World Series. I'm kind of glad there's no hockey season this year, because if the Bruins won too it might put me in a bad mood. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Other duties as required" Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:22:19 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > > > I've been chosen to be on the selection panel for our summer > > internships. Now there's an afternoon of my life I'll never get back. > > you know, I'm puzzled by this expression. > > because "there's [X AMOUNT OF TIME] of my life that I'll *never* *get* > *back*" kind of inplies there are certain periods of time that you *do* > get back. Dear Marcel Proust As The Fifth Beatle, The important thing is to realize that although _you_ may never get any of your lost time back, I get your lost time back. Over the last several years, you have lost several thousand years of productivity, all of which will be mine sometime in the second half of my immortality. Also, haw haw. > I suppose "second childhood" qualifies. Yeah, but those are too easy to induce through artificial means, such as neurosurgery followed by a "Mork & Mindy" DVD. Now, third childhood, that's where it's at. To get there, you have to do some pretty intense stuff, usually involving taking the back off your TV set while standing in a bubble bath and holding a rutabaga. (The rutabaga is just there for your safety.) -- K. There's also a part about rubbing a balloon on Grandma. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Wacky Brazilian politics Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 13:34:20 -0400 [from www.modbee.com] -> -> Brazilian seeks ban on human pet names -> -> The Associated Press -> Last Updated: October 28, 2004, 03:26:00 PM PDT -> -> BRASILIA, Brazil (AP) - A Brazilian legislator wants to make it -> illegal to give pets names that are common among people. Federal -> congressman Reinaldo Santos e Silva proposed the law after -> psychologists suggested that some children may get depressed when -> they learn they share their first name with someone's pet, said -> Damarias Alves, a spokeswoman for Silva. But what about robots? Do they count as people or as pets? What about robots who look like people? What about robots who look like dogs? What about transforming humanimal robots who look like people, dogs, and fighter jets on different days while fighting crime? Also, wouldn't it make more sense to make it illegal to name a baby "Spot" or "Woof-woof" or "Slobberface" instead of making it illegal to name your cat whatever you want even though it won't come when you call it? -> "Names have importance," said Alves. The congressman "wants to -> challenge people's assumptions that it's acceptable to give -> animals human names," she said. -> -> If the law is passed, pet stores and veterinary clinics would be -> required to display a sign noting the prohibition of human first -> names for pets. -> -> Brazilians who break the law would be subject to fines or -> community service. Unless they name their dog "Coca-Cola", in which case they'll get their legs broken and be tortured to death by the Coca-Cola company. -> Alves admitted the law's chances of passage were slim but said -> Silva hoped the bill would call attention to his other efforts to -> protect animals. -> -> "He's proposed many laws to protect wildlife in Brazil, but this -> is the only one that has ever gotten any attention," Alves said. If a tree in the rainforest falls, will anyone hear it if it's named "I Am Not A Tree"? -- K. And if Barbara Walters were to interview a tree, would she be allowed to insult its intelligence by asking it what sort of tree it would be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KiboOS <<<[[]]>>> Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 14:39:25 -0400 Daniel L. Bateman (dbateman@gmail.com) wrote: > > What sort of interal OS does the Kibo andriod run and how was his AI > program developed? As I've often pointed out, artificial intelligence beats real stupidity. (Usually with a baseball bat.) It's similar to how even the world's softest rock (talc) can blunt the world's sharpest scissors (made from baby fingernails.) As TV's Kramer says, nothing beats rock! Bow down before me for I have nerves of rock! > I'm mostly interested in the cognitive functionality. Which of you > were involved in the original programming? If you want to learn more about programming, come over here and I'll teach you all about the Stockholm Syndrome. > Overall I would dub the project a success. Are there any plans for > similar projects? I am not similar to anything. Not even myself. You're confusing me with Jay Leno. He's similar to everything. -- K. He's even similar to Kraemer, except not even as annoying. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: unicorn from the waist down Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 16:51:54 -0400 One of the many dumb commercials for "CSI" reruns on SpikeTV begins with a bunch of office-workers chatting around a water cooler. We hear one concluding a joke with the punch line: "...he says, 'No, I'm a unicorn from the waist down.'" I know they just made up that nonsensical punch line to get our attention, but I think alt.religion.kibology is smart enough to make up the rest of that joke. Please write me a joke so I can stop watching TV. -- K. Bonus points if a steering wheel is involved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: glue + penis = news Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 18:37:50 -0400 [from www.ananova.co.uk] -> -> Man superglued condom to penis -> -> A Romanian father-of-five needed medical help after he superglued -> a condom to his penis. I've never had that problem. -> Nicolae Popovici, 43, told doctors he didn't want any more -> children, reports National newspaper. -> -> The man, from Topraiser in Constanta county, named only as NP in -> the paper, already has five children. Hey Ananova, could you please just come right out and tell us which details you're making up instead of just leaving obvious clues? -> He and his wife decided to use contraception but the condom they -> bought was too big so he stuck it on with glue. What a bozo! If it keeps falling off, everyone knows you shouldn't use glue, you're supposed to use staples! -> After sex, the man realised he couldn't remove the condom and went -> to his village's medical clinic for help. -> -> A nurse said: "He even said that he thought the condom could be -> used several times and that he wanted it stuck on his penis so he -> could use it again later. We barely managed to remove it in the end." That's the same thing she said about the gerbil. Of course, this reporter is being derelict in his or her duty by not telling us how this condom was removed. Now millions of people will read this on the Internet and try it at home, clogging up the entire medical system and depleting the nation's supply of Penis-Grade Nail Polish Remover. The reporter also didn't ask what brand of condom it was, or how the guy expected to get it off, or why he even needed a perma-condom instead of just squirting superglue up his pee-hole like a normal person. -- K. I wonder what he used for lube. Motor oil, gravel, or Cheerios? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update. Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2004 18:44:44 -0400 Phew... Vaughn Meader! Okay, now that I've opened with the other half of a topical joke from 1963, enough of the funny, let's talk about something serious instead of John F. Kennedy's exploding head. Turns out that not only doesn't Manic Panic Shocking Blue rub off on my pillowcase the way Electric Lava does, it also doesn't bleach out easily. Trying to bleach the bright blue out today left me greenish-gray on top (and the beard, oddly, is still bright blue; Shocking Blue loves beards.) Fortunately, when I put the orange back in in a few hours (for Halloween) it should cover up the blue pretty well. And once again, I'm not going to have time to attach a steering wheel to my crotch this year. Unless I do it for Valentine's Day. -- K. The joke would work just as well with a golf club. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update. Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 14:58:32 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Trying to bleach the bright blue out today left me greenish-gray > > on top (and the beard, oddly, is still bright blue; Shocking Blue loves > > beards.) Fortunately, when I put the orange back in in a few hours > > (for Halloween) it should cover up the blue pretty well. > > Please keep updates coming as I be needing to know that I say HOLY SHIT > to the right person while walking down Newbury. I couldn't get enough of the blue out of the beard, adding the fluorescent orange just made it a sort of dark purple with both orange and blue highlights. Today I'm going to try shaving it back some to see if that will help me get the orange I'll need for Halloween. > > And once again, I'm not going to have time to attach a steering wheel > > to my crotch this year. Unless I do it for Valentine's Day. > > As Jake would say "It's Driving me Nuts". Oh, so he's the one who invented that joke. Good thing, too, because all those pirates walking around with crotch-wheels were so lonely before he came up with that punchline for them. -- K. Which part of Newbury? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update. Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 19:43:35 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which part of Newbury [street will you be on]? > > According to SWMBO all of it. Why do you get your travel advice from an anonymous Single White Male with Body Odor? Or did you just misspell "SAMBO", aka Denny? > There a long list of bookshops. Which reminds me, now that the Star > market has gone from under the Prudential tower I need pointing in > the right direction for Shaws. Around the corner, Huntington Ave. If you exit the Pru plaza past Dick's Last Resort (southeast corner) it's across the street. > On previous trips we used to stay at the Sheriton Towers near your > neighbourhood but as this is a cheapie we're staying at the Radisson > near the common. The Sheraton in the Pru is nice. Made a lot of friends at conventions there. I've never been to the Radisson, because I can't get my old Commodore to travel through time. > Is it safe to have a cigarette outside the Radisson in the early hours? > Outside the Warwick in Seattle I was having a quick puff at 4:30am and I > met the weirdest streetkook EVER. I've seen the Girls/TVs in their > underwear working the street but this guy topped them, or didn't so to > speak. Over in what used to be the Combat Zone, I've seen transvestite hookers getting beaten up by cops. That's one of my favorite memories of the old neighborhood. That and the blinking vagina-eyeball-with-kicking-legs sign on the old Naked I strip club. It's too bad the Combat Zone has been cleaned up so much it could pass for a Canadian Chinatown. So when will you be in Boston? Want to hire a currently unemployed guy as your tour guide and bodyguard? -- K. If "Avenue Victor Hugo" is on your list of Newbury bookstores, forget it, it's gone and according to their Web site it's your fault, and everyone else's fault but theirs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update. Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2004 13:07:13 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Which part of Newbury [street will you be on]? > > > > > > According to SWMBO all of it. > > > > Why do you get your travel advice from an anonymous Single White Male > > with Body Odor? Or did you just misspell "SAMBO", aka Denny? > > She Who Must Be Obeyed expects to shop out Boston and it's environs and > it seems that I must enjoy the experience as well. Oh, I know lots of chicks named that. Will she be wearing her knee boots? > > > There a long list of bookshops. Which reminds me, now that the Star > > > market has gone from under the Prudential tower I need pointing in > > > the right direction for Shaws. > > > > Around the corner, Huntington Ave. If you exit the Pru plaza past > > Dick's Last Resort (southeast corner) it's across the street. > > Mille gracis. You won't say that once you get lost in the store. By the way, there's a clean restroom upstairs behind the wine department. > > So when will you be in Boston? Want to hire a currently unemployed > > guy as your tour guide and bodyguard? > > Truly grateful, but I am hoping the Red Sox Nation will be back on the > reservation by the time we arrive at Thanksgiving. Trust me, you need a bodyguard to protect you from local jerks like me. -- K. Reasonable rates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Photos from my Mum & Dad's USA trip Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 14:47:05 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > You forget that when Reilly was a pup he used to make a game of > > dragging out and eating my most expensive bras. It's just plain weird > > to come home from an evening out and have to pick sequins out of your > > puppy's teeth. > > [...] So are you admitting that you stuff your bras with tennis balls? "Stuff Your Bras With Tennis Balls" is the new alternarock band name for today. Everyone starting an emo band anywhere in the world today must name it "Stuff Your Bras With Tennis Balls". If that name is too long to fit on Napster, you can shorten it to "Bras With Balls". -- K. And remember, the tennis balls go in front. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karaoke-dokey Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 15:02:45 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I used to have a roommate that fancied himself to be an opera singer. He > actually wasn't bad, but since he hadn't taken singing lessions, he didn't > know how to do it correctly. When he really got into it, his face turned > red and veins bulged all over his head. > > He also had a strange sense of when it was appropriate to sing. He once > stood up in an ice cream place and started singing for no apparent reason. > With the bulging veins and red face, it looked very much like his head was > about to explode. When he finished, everyone sort of clapped and looked > slightly uncomfortable. When they got home, they had a new story to tell > their friends, about the opera singer that went all mental at the ice cream > parlor. Yes, but... your story is missing all the important information. What song did he sing? What flavor of ice cream was Scary Opera Wacko eating? And did he keep shoveling it into his face while he was singing? Does he wear a cape? Have you ever taken him to Chuck E. Cheese? -- K. Nobody ever takes me to Chuck E. Cheese. Apparently I embarrass them, usually when I go after the damn big rat with my cattle prod. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The purpose of the Internet... Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 15:29:48 -0400 The purpose of the Internet... ...is so you can be the first one on your block to read the rumor that Yoda farts in the next "Star Wars" so that you can then spread it around _off_ the Internet. There. Now that I've explained why the Internet exists, we can move onto more important things, like trying to figure out why "Star Wars" prequels exist. -- K. Why are there no rumors about Jar Jar farting? Society need to believe Jar Jar can fart too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo killed Wordsworth Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 19:31:00 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Last week, I said I would gladly buy Lots42's anthology of > collected Eddie and Louie stories at Wordsworth. Kibo notified > me that Wordsworth is evil and doesn't pay their graphic designers. > Two days ago, I went to Harvard Square to pick up the last installment > of the current Stephen King septology, and there were signs in > Wordsworth's windows stating that they were going out of business > after 28 years. > > Fear the Kibo-wielded death ray. Technically, it wasn't Wordsworth who deserved to die, the people who deserve to die are the design firm they hired (on orders of a little fucking monkey and a man in a yellow hat.) Said firm subcontracted a graphic designer who got ripped off and has vowed to never, ever be kind to any small, fuzzy monkeys he might find running around zonked out on ether. I'd mention this monkey by name, but as we all know Kibo's Personal Death Ray won't work if I _want_ someone to die. (That's why Bob Hope lived to be 147 years old. That, and the fact that Ayn Rand kept voting for him for President because she hated Libertarians.) So at times like this, when my Personal Death Ray won't work, I switch to my Impersonal Minor Nuisance Ray: HA HA SOMEONE SOMEWHERE JUST STEPPED IN A PUDDLE. -- K. And then they died. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: another day Date: Sat, 30 Oct 2004 19:35:11 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > I fear for my job. THey have been on a firing spree lately. One guy > > > got fired last week after 20 some-odd years. Everyone thought he had > > > pictures of the big boss with a goat or something for all the crap he > > > has gotten away with. I guess being the company golden boy can't help > > > you when you start threatening people, especially white-shirts. > > > > See, what you folks need to do is follow my example: > > > > Get good and disabled and have a spouse with a job that pays well. That > > way, you get to loaf all you want, play on the computer pretty to your > > hearts content, and not having to deal with bozos in the work place. > > Nearly Flawless Victory!!11!!. > > > > The only down side is the being disabled part, pain, etc. On the other > > hand, drugs are your friend. > > MOOOOO-OOOMM! I WANNA BE A KEPT MAN, TOO-OOO!! The only downside of being kept is that eventually your owner will get tired of you and sell you on eBay and use the money towards acquiring a newer, younger model who isn't afraid to learn the _right_ way to give a nine-hour erotic foot massage. I'm just sayin'. -- K. Also, you have to be unable to get tired of eating gruel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Halloween costume. Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2004 12:59:53 -0400 So I was standing out front of my building for a long time because my ride was late, and I was wearing a towel around my waist because my costume involved heavy use of No Pants, and would technically be in violation of public indecency laws were I to take off the towel before I got to the party. And then I'd have to put up with people asking whether my favorite baseball team is the one that used to be in Montreal. While I was standing there, I got very compliments and wisecracks, but I was disappointed that not one person asked me why I was wearing a towel with the outfit. I was all set to say "It's to cover up the steering wheel," just so that then I could use that pun even though once again I didn't get to make a steering-wheel-pirate costume this year. Maybe next year. It's annoying to go a whole night without pockets. Also, bar stools are mighty cold. So what did _you_ expose this Halloween? -- K. And how many times did _you_ redye your hair in the past 24 hours? Mine's now light orange, with a dark orange beard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A beautiful but true sentence. Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 04:59:58 -0400 It's Halloween, and here's today's lyrical yet factually accurate sentence: I held Satan's leather jacket while he dashed to the little Devil's room. -- K. Oh, and: A woman on the subway spotted the orange handcuffs hanging from my belt and asked what I was supposed to be, and I was coy and made her guess, and once she figured it out she suddenly blurted much too loudly, "MY BOYFRIEND's really handsome... He's part Italian... He looks just like Freddie Mercury!" Sadly, the train arrived at my stop right then, before I could make up a story about having met her BOYFRIEND at a REALLY GAY BAR. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: No pain Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 12:34:36 -0500 [from cnn.com] -> -> Girl with rare disease doesn't know pain -> -> PATTERSON, Georgia (AP) -- Ashlyn Blocker's parents and -> kindergarten teachers all describe her the same way: fearless. So -> they nervously watch her plunge full-tilt into a childhood -> deprived of natural alarms. -> -> In the school cafeteria, teachers put ice in 5-year-old Ashlyn's -> chili. If her lunch is scalding hot, she'll gulp it down anyway. There's only one better way to make your chili cold: Use one of those little packets of ''hot'' sauce they give out at Wendy's. It will instantly turn your chili into something that tastes like cotton candy, only more sugary. -> On the playground, a teacher's aide watches Ashlyn from within 15 -> feet, keeping her off the jungle gym and giving chase when she -> runs. If she takes a hard fall, Ashlyn won't cry. -> -> Ashlyn is among a tiny number of people in the world known to have -> congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, or CIPA -- a -> rare genetic disorder that makes her unable to feel pain. -> -> "Some people would say that's a good thing. But no, it's not," -> says Tara Blocker, Ashlyn's mother. "Pain's there for a reason. It -> lets your body know something's wrong and it needs to be fixed. -> I'd give anything for her to feel pain." Pain is your friend. Of course, there's "good pain" and there's "bad pain". If there was a mutation that allowed us to feel the good pain without the bad pain, people would be lining up to get that mutation. Assuming you could pay to have your DNA fiddled around with like that. Someday, you'll be able to buy all the genetic engineering you want right from your local dominatrix! -> The untreatable disease also makes Ashlyn incapable of sensing -> extreme temperatures -- hot or cold -- disabling her body's -> ability to cool itself by sweating. Otherwise, her senses are -> normal. -> -> Ashlyn can feel the texture of nickels and dimes she sorts into -> piles on her bedroom floor, the heft of the pink backpack she -> totes to school and the embrace of a hug. She feels hunger -> cravings for her favorite after-school snack, pickles and -> strawberry milk. Mixed together? Now that, to me, would be what I'd call a fairly abstract, high-level form of bad pain -- drinking pink milk with green pickles in it. It would taste yucky and the colors would clash. -> That's because the genetic mutation that causes CIPA only disrupts -> the development of the small nerve fibers that carry sensations of -> pain, heat and cold to the brain. -> -> "There are all kinds of different nerve cells that help us feel -> different sensations," says Dr. Felicia Axelrod, a professor of -> pediatrics and neurology at New York University School of -> Medicine. "You can have one sense removed, just like you can lose -> your hearing but still smell things." If I could have one sense removed, what would it be? I think it would be the ability to feel damp. It would be great to be able to sweat as much as I wanted without my clothes making me feel damp. I would keep the ability to feel wet, because a bathtub is a very enjoyable thing, but I would get rid of the ability to feel damp. Just dry or wet, never damp. -> [...] -> -> So when Ashlyn goes to her kindergarten class at Patterson -> Elementary School, she gets daily check-ups with school nurse Beth -> Cloud after recess. Cloud and Ashlyn's mother discussed having her -> wear a helmet on the playground, but decided it would look too -> odd. -> -> And when teacher's aide Sue Price puts ice in Ashlyn's chili at -> lunch, her dozen classmates get ice in theirs too. That's very sweet (assuming the other kids aren't only doing this under protest.) But... what sort of kindergarten feeds the kids chili to begin with? When I was in kindergarten, we only went half a day, and snacktime was a tiny carton of milk. Given that kindergartners jump up and down constantly, is it really a good idea to fill them up with gastacular beaniness? -- K. I wish I had chili back when I was in kindergarten. Of course, back then I hadn't figured out that hot sauce is good pain, so I probably would have preferred the Wendy's candy-ass chli. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Halloween costume mis-identification. Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 12:48:36 -0500 I've noticed that most people on the street assume that every Halloween costume must be a re-enactment of a character from a recent movie (apparently action figures have been around long enough to have ruined the imagination of an entire generation.) When you wear a clever costume, or even just do something idiosyncratic or half-hearted, people either ask "Who are you supposed to be?" or they guess you're some person from a movie they recently saw. So does anyone have a good story about a strange case of mistaken costume identification? Like if 90% of pedestrians guessed (vaguely reasonably) that the person you were with was someone from a certain John Travolta movie, but one person guessed that he was John Kerry? -- K. I don't think Kerry's weird head would have fit into that hood. He'd never be able to get the mouth zipper closed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloween costume mis-identification. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 22:19:15 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Someone this weekend thought I was the guy from Clockwork Orange. Which guy? The crazy old writer who lives with the guy who played Darth Vader but isn't James Earl Jones? > I wasn't in costume. Oh, you were the _naked_ guy from "A Clockwork Orange". -- K. Could be worse, you could be the guy from "Eyes Wide Shut". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What to give out for Halloween? Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 12:51:14 -0500 [according to the timestamp, I wrote this last week, but apparently it never got posted. So sue me for putting it up now.] phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What candy should I give out for Halloween? > > I don't know what candy I will use, but am seriously thinking of laying in > wait in the lawn and scaring some small children. Hey, pick on someone your own size! Try scaring _big_ children! Dress up as N. Listie, the Draft Board clown! "Hi kids! I'll be seeing you the moment you get out of high school! You're gonna get to be in the Marines with me! And I get to shave your head!" > This might have the drawback of their adult escort popping caps > in me or worse yet, suing me. Or worse... you might get your ass kicked by the adult escort's pimp. If all your neighbors are "adult escorts" then I think I should explain why, when you rented the apartment, it was listed as being in a "professional" building. -- K. Does it have one of Harry Stinson's special Murphy beds that folds up and squishes your face into a triangle?