From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My Halloween-e-en adventure... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 01 Nov 2004 22:59:12 -0500 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > [...] > > On the way home, my friend John asked me, "So, Nicko, you want to be a > character in a House of Horrors? Someone crapped out last night, and we > need someone to fill in." > > I said, "Well...what the fuck, okay. I can wait a while to go home and > masurbate frantically to online pr0n." > > "Cool. You would make a REALLY GOOD "Beast in the Cage." " This is the point where, if you were as sensible as I am, you'd immediately ask, "This isn't a _permanent_ job, is it?" > [...] > > The costume was some fucking bleached-hair gorilla suit, and some generic > rubber mask with bared teeth and fangs and skull-like features. Kinda like > a Yeti, I suppose. I tried on the mask, and right away realized that, since > it had no breathing holes, it was gonna become quite uncomfortable after a > short time. Also, the person who designed the suit itself must have been > some sort of masochist, as the lining was made of some gawdawful fabric like > burlap or sack cloth, whatever that is. Yucko! You are confusing masochists with sadists. Most clothing these days is designed by sadists. Especially shoes. All those designers are having orders beamed into their brains by Steve Martin. > [...] > > My friend John tried to pace it so that the people came in small groups, > rather than a continuous stream. Here I was in a 4x4x8 foot cage, iron bars > in the front, and a strobe light that I could activate on John's cue. > Which, too often, he forgot to give me. 4x4x8? That's pretty big for one monster. If you flopped the cage on its side you could get at least five in there. Or if you were all alone in the sideways cage, you could stretch out and take a nap without violating that "no feet sticking out between the bars" rule. > [...] > > I was really getting into it. Fortunately, John was able to indicate to me > when it was okay to remove the mask and take in some air. Air, schmair. You should've just had a plastic tube running down your suit directly from your mouth to a big bottle of vodka. That'd make you scary enough. Nothing's scarier than a drunken carny. > > YOUUUUUUUUUUU! Who cut your HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR! > > a-and > > I'LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH > WITH IT.... > > also > > MY PARENTS HATE MEEEEEEE! > > or > > YOU! Are you LOOKING at ME?! I am YOU in ten > years! DIE! Don't forget MY COSTUME IS MADE FROM THE FUR OF ALL YOUR DEAD PETS!!! and A WORLD WHERE APE COSTUMES EVOLVED FROM APES!!! and I'M THE NEW JAR JAR!!! > And of course, a couple of times, I would catch the attention of a hawt chyk > who was accompanying some of these kids and say, > > "I am not always like this." Chicks don't care for guys in cages. They like guys on leashes. Something about the female mind makes them enjoy the sight of a guy being dragged around by the neck. If you had been on a leash, by now you might be married to some beautiful, intelligent woman like Lynndie England. OH MY GOD AL GORE JUST APPEARED ON MY TV AND HE'S THE SAME SHAPE AS ARIEL SHARON!!! ...sorry, where were we? Oh, yes, the difficulty of dating while you're locked in a cage wearing a stink-suit. You should know that most women fear getting carny cooties. (They can jump.) Try wearing your beige monkey suit somewhere that's not a tourist attraction, such as Burger King or a porno store. Then you should have a better chance of meeting women before they run away from you screaming. > [...] > > ANYWAY, toward the end of this one-hour stint, I was pretty much toast. I > had done so much flailing around and screaming in this wee cage; and the > costume was so confining, that I was completely drenched in perspiration. Nuh-uh. A truly confining costume wouldn't have any room in it for you to sweat. It's baggy costumes that make you sweat. Next time, get a really tight costume, and fill it with Krazy Glue to help you seal all your pores shut, and I promise you that you won't sweat at all during the five minutes before you die of explosive heatstroke. > But I must say, I succeeded beyond anyone's expectations in scaring the shit > out of some of these people. Gee, I do that in elevators, pro bono, you filthy capitalist. > [...] > > The next day my pal John told me that they were able to repair the cage I > had apparently destroyed, before the next show started. If you had broken out and gone on an insane rampage before getting taken down with a stun baton, now _that_ I might have paid to see, or even volunteered to assist with, provided they gave me a place to plug in my battery charger. Those things drain fast, usually after only twenty or thirty minutes of continuous flesh-frying. -- K. If Al Gore had been declared President, would he still have swollen up that much in four years? Or would George W. Bush have been the one to look like he swallowed Ted Kennedy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mark your calendars! I just barfed! Date: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 15:37:28 -0500 I woke up with a very sore throat. At first I figured this was just because it was the first night I'd slept with the heat turned on (I need a humidifier, the hot dry air makes my throat scratchy) but this was more than that. It stuck around all day while I ran my errands. On my way home, I stopped at the drugstore to buy some NyQuil (active ingredient: pseudoephedrine, a.k.a Sudafed.) I don't normally use any medications (especially stuff like this that basically treats the symptoms rather than the infection) but I was feeling really desperate. I took some NyQuil and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. As it had the past few times I'd tried it, instead of making me drowsy, the pseudoephedrine made me restless and foggy, with my mind racing in a jumbled series of incomplete thoughts. I made a mental note never, ever to buy the stuff again. I couldn't sleep, and after a few hours I had to run to the bathroom (good ol' diarrhea.) The sudden movement was making me nauseous. I figured that maybe a hot bath would be good to relax me, as I obviously wasn't going to be sleeping. I climbed into the bathtub and started filling it... ...then the nausea got real bad. I had to make the decision, "Do I go ahead and try to upchuck, or do I try to suppress it?" Now, I hadn't barfed in the past 25 years. I had thought this was one of those bodily functions I've attained control over, but I was wrong. I tried not to hurl, but after a few false starts, my stomach squeezed itself into a knot and forced out a fountain of everything I had eaten last night. It was bright orange, exactly the same color as my hair. Spaghetti with tomato-garlic sauce, plus bile. A truly disgusting flavor. Fortunately, after puking up all the orange stuff, I didn't feel so queasy, so I rinsed my mouth (and the tub!) and then took a hot bath. What have I just learned? 1. I'm not immune to vomiting. 2. It's not quite as bad as I remembered it from childhood, but it's still incredibly unpleasant. 3. I am never again buying NyQuil, Sudafed, etc. 4. I am never again eating anything with a tomato-garlic flavor. At the moment I'm resting, and trying to get my strength back. (I just had a couple ounces of Kool-Aid, hopefully by the end of the day I might work up to crackers.) I have a hunch it's going to be another difficult night, though I'm starting to recover. This time, no medication -- if I need to sedate myself, I'll either do a little electrical acupuncture on a favorite relaxation point on the back of my neck, or if need be, I'll trigger a massive endorphin release in my body with something a little more intense. Being sick sucks. Being sick and unemployed really sucks. -- K. At least I was able to miss some of the election coverage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mark your calendars! I just barfed! Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 12:58:17 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > Try to do this for almost 2 years. That's what I went through. I threw up > every single day. And on those other alternate days, I was hooked up to > machiney-things at the hospital. I have NO SYMPATHY for people who get a > stomach bug and then whine about it. Sorry Kibo. I feel no pain for you. > None. > > Try 'almost dying' on for size. Baby. _You_ had doctors and machines and a hospital bed. Me, I was curled up on a futon in the living room wondering how many months it would be before someone found my rotting corpse. I win! -- K. By the way, I've just joined you to the Cat Of The Month Club. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mark your calendars! I just barfed! Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 13:21:32 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, I've just joined you to the Cat Of The Month Club. > > How can I hate you when I love you so much?? Feh.. Hooray! This entitles me to another stamp on my Teflon Sadist's Club wallet card! Now if I can give just two more people the Stockholm Syndrome, I get to give someone a free wedgie! -- K. But why does my card have a picture of Jared on it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mark your calendars! I just barfed! Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 11:51:19 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > You wussies need to get pregnant and puke every organ in your body out > several times a day for months on end before this amounts to anything > but whining. That's different. That's good puking. I was having bad puking. -- K. So is it true that during yesterday's election coverage, Dan Rather had a "state by state breakdown" and if so, how insane was he by the time he got to Alabama? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mark your calendars! I just barfed! Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 11:45:57 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I took some NyQuil and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't. > > As it had the past few times I'd tried it, instead of making > > me drowsy, the pseudoephedrine made me restless and foggy, > > with my mind racing in a jumbled series of incomplete > > thoughts. > > we call that Wired-Tired. it is teh big suck. the worst part > is when you think you've been sleeping, but you suddenly > realize you've been awake the whole time. no, wait. the > *worst* part is staring at the alarm clock, knowing that it's > going to start screeching at you in five minutes even though > you haven't slept all night. Alarm clock? What is this Earth thing called an alarm clock? > [...] > > > Being sick sucks. Being sick and unemployed really sucks. > > i suggest a nap. and, if the crackers stay down, milk and > cookies. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I went to bed at 8pm (about ten hours before the usual time) after drinking half a glass of water and a sip of Delsym (the only cough medicine I've ever found that I like -- it immediately prevents coughing and has no side effects in me) but then I immediately threw up both. I was getting really worried over dehydration because I couldn't even keep water down yet I still had diarrhea. I kept wondering at what point I should call 911 to get an intravenous line put in. I tossed and turned all night, very confused and disoriented. The fever dreams consisted of fragments of imaginary problems piling up and tangling together. I was at the center of this morass of things (and people!) presenting seemingly simple problems (like fastening a belt) that just wouldn't work. Eventually the numbers diminished -- I managed to get things down to just me and three imaginary people (a Chinese guy, a postman, and a waiter) when I dozed off for a little bit. Eventually all the fever-dream people faded away and it was just me tossing and turning, although I still couldn't sleep it was great to at least be aware of the reality of the bed and the pillow and not all this other stuff coming and going. This morning I feel somewhat better. The diarrhea is done, I'm able to keep down Gatorade, and in a few minutes I'm going to try eating some rice and chicken broth. Hopefully this afternoon I'll be well enough to go out and run some errands. Whatever this was, I'm getting over it surprisingly fast. > > At least I was able > > to miss some of the > > election coverage. > > at least you weren't so sick that you couldn't manage to work > the teevee remote. there are few things so depressing as > being so ill you just don't care that you're watching the > third Miracle Blade infomercial in a row. The reason I turned the TV off is I couldn't follow it at all. I tried watching a few Benny Hill reruns, but they didn't make any sense! -- K. I now plan to go another 25 years without barfing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume mis-identification. Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 11:57:42 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > wilson (awilson42@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > At the party I was at on Saturday, one guy went as a flip-flop sandal. > > oh sure, YOU get to go to a party, while *I* stay home, eat one york > peppermint patty, then spent the rest of the night vomiting. I was feeling just slightly ill on Halloween, but it in no way affected my Halloween activities or the party the night before. However, since I did not technically go trick-or-treating (at least, I was not given anything that should be swallowed) I did not get any York Peppermint Patties and therefore I did not get sick until two days later. -- K. I wish there was a Halloween every month. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume. Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 12:03:15 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > So sorry about the Ottawa thing. It's the city in Canadia that sucks > and blows at the same time! Boring! Pretentious! Civilly servile! > And bad food! I love the Lebanese-Canadian Fine Foods places, with > formica tables, paper napkins and cooked kibbe. Maple Blondies for > dessert. I love Ottawa, and can say nothing bad about that fine city, its climate, its cuisine, its museums, its hockey, its public transportation, or its adjacency to a Quebecois porno district. Don't dis Ottawa or I'll put on my old Lalime jersey and come up there and find out if the toilets in Canada really do go the other way when I give you a swirlie. > Why did you move there? Did Andrew make you? I would move there in a heartbeat if it wasn't the most expensive place in Canada. (It's even more expensive than Toronto, though without all the cursing.) Ottawa is one of my favorite places to be, perhaps second only to Boston and Manhattan. -- K. I think Folsom Street would be fourth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Halloween costume. Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 01:02:51 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I love Ottawa, and can say nothing bad about that fine city, its climate, > > its cuisine, its museums, its hockey, its public transportation, or its > > adjacency to a Quebecois porno district. > > So far the public transporation is good, yes. What, you don't like the science/space museum with all the photos of Roberta Bondar and a diorama illustrating all the things Canadians have invented? (Telephone, snowshoe, kayak, Pablum... um... new and improved Pablum...) > > I would move there in a heartbeat if it wasn't the most expensive > > place in Canada. (It's even more expensive than Toronto, though > > without all the cursing.) Ottawa is one of my favorite places to be, > > perhaps second only to Boston and Manhattan. > > Let us know when you visit next. You can meet our cat, and then we'll > eat at some restaurant or other if you'd like. It doesn't matter where, > because apparently no matter where I go I complain about it. Do you like > pho? It's one of my favorite Greek letters, but I prefer Asian cuisine to Greek. -- K. The natural science museum is particularly good. But beware the Museum of Civilization -- it's not really a museum, it's a giant "Star Wars" stormtrooper head that will eat you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: too dumb to own cast-iron Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 13:02:10 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > ... Treat cast iron cookware like you > > would treat a woman -- assume you have to abuse it for a long time > > before it will behave properly. > > I hope your peanus falls into a wood chipper. Yeah, Eb, you're being terribly sexist. It's not just women that you have to smack around a lot while you're getting them trained. -- K. Ironically, cast-iron cookware is one of the best things to whack 'em with. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: bad enough Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 18:42:30 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So because I voted for Bush, I'm now a sick, twisted sadist with no morals? Young man, I am tired of all this sadist-bashing. A few of us do have some morals. Also, I'm better than you because I didn't vote for _any_ of the candidates. Especially Bush. Especially Kerry. Double especially Nader. In 2008, I plan to vote for one of the following: Jon Stewart, Jack Black, Tyler Durden, or El Santo. If none of them runs, I shall again withhold my vote to punish the world. -- K. A vote for Tyler Durden is a vote for soap. Tyler says: Always vote for soap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things that are wrong. Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 19:01:50 -0500 The following things are wrong: 1. I think Meredith Viera's voice is really sexy, even though she's a game show host. 2. There's a commercial for some insurance company masquerading as an ad for a new reality TV series called "Tiny House" where newlyweds are driven insane by being forced to live in a miniature house. I would watch that show. 3. They're making a third "Dungeons & Dragons" movie. I suppose this means "Baby Geniuses 3" is also in the pipeline. 4. I can't think of more than three things that are wrong with reality right now, and that greatly disappoints me because I know in my heart of hearts that everything is wrong. -- K. Also, the only way they'll get me to see the next "Star Wars" is if it's _all_ Darth Vader. No Obi-Wan, no Jar-Jar, no gay robots. Just Darth Vader. Living in a tiny Death Star. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that are wrong. Date: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 13:32:37 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The following things are wrong: > > > > [...] > > Is "I know in my heart of hearts that everything is wrong" in the > Kibonian Creed? If not, it should be. But that's just so wrong. > [...] > > Nov 3 was the first anniversary of my first surgery and today is the 5th > week after my last one. They blocked up my kidney with the last one, so > a week later I got a ureteral stent. This is why urologists are happy - > they can releive 10/10 pain completely, no fuss no muss. "10/10 pain"? They can only relieve pain if it's from October 10th? Hmm. I may have to start doing something special on that holiday. It would be the day we could all kick people in the kidneys. Pain Day would be a wonderful new holiday, though still not quite as painful as Christmas. > I have been clean and sober, off the massive narcs I needed, for 4 weeks > now. I guess that means today is the 4th week after my last surgery. > The stent was too short so they may have to knock me out to fetch it out > next week. Jeezus. "Measure once, cut twice." I think that's in the Creed now too. > At least the problems the surgery was supposed to correct are all gone. "But now my urine tastes like metal!" > Children you have no idea how nice it is to just go into the bathroom, > take a shit and leave. Appreciate it now, before things start sagging. > Also, it is nice to not have bowel obstructions. That's in the Creed too. Right beneath a picture of Jar Jar. I think the exact wording is "HEY KIDS! DON'T EAT THIS!" > They really put me off carrots. I guess carrots dont take corners well. Could this be why, as I have often wondered, I like carrots that are cut into little circles but not carrots that are cut into little cubes? Dr. Rose, I have another medical question I've been wondering about for years. Every time I pop a zit, I suddenly become very thirsty. It works no matter where the zit is located, and I don't get the effect from just squeezing, it has to be one that pops. So I don't think it's an actual acupressure-type effect (that wouldn't require the popping and would work differently in different locations. Also, I don't know of any specific nerve clusters an acupuncturist _could_ stimulate to cause thirst.) So what the heck is going on? -- K. Is there also a Nausea Day? Oh, that's right, my bout of projectile vomiting began on November 2. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things that are wrong. Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 23:06:56 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 3. They're making a third "Dungeons & Dragons" movie. > > This implies the existence of a second one. Dude, I hate to tell you this... but the second one is actually going to get a (minor) theatrical release soon. The third was just announced, according to Variety. Or as filmforce.ign.com puts it: -> November 03, 2004 -- Who knew, after the lackluster performance -> of the original Dungeons & Dragons movie, that it'd spawn two -> sequels? The second film in the franchise, Dungeons & Dragons 2: -> The Elemental Might, has recently wrapped production. Now, -> according to today's Variety, a third film is in the works at -> Zinc Entertainment, a division of Joel Silver's Silver Pictures. -> There are no further details available at this time, but just -> the news that there will be another sequel is shocking enough. > I refuse to believe such a horror exists. I hear that in this one, Tom Baker gets naked. -- K. Also, Jeremy Irons and his evil twin spend half the movie designing "Surgical Instruments For Operating On Doctor Who's Vagina". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: This weekend, Brett Somers will be in my BLANK! Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 23:19:29 -0500 So I'm leaving the supermarket tonight and on the way out I come face-to-face with a big picture of Brett Somers. Seems she's bringing her one-woman show (where she reminisces about "Match Game" -- the poster actually emphasized the "Match Game" angle) to my area. But it's on Sunday night, and I'd have to cancel a date (assuming I'm feeling non-infectious by then -- I think I'll be okay.) There's no way I'd ever cancel a date for something as wacky as An Evening With Brett Somers, but... why couldn't it be on Saturday? Or Monday? Or yesterday, when I was already vomiting? -- K. The reason I was at the supermarket was that I needed to buy canned BLANK. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This weekend, Brett Somers will be in my BLANK! Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 13:49:57 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I'm leaving the supermarket tonight and on the way out I come > > face-to-face with a big picture of Brett Somers. Seems she's > > bringing her one-woman show (where she reminisces about "Match Game" -- > > the poster actually emphasized the "Match Game" angle) to my area. > > er, Kibo, how much do you owe in fines just now? 'cos this is the > *SINGLE* most obvious sting I've ever seen bar *none* aimed at just > one sucker. Thanks for the warning, but you're mean. I am not a sucker! Now, people who pay $25 to see Brett Somers, they're suckers. On the other hand, if Brett Somers paid $25 to see me, then she'd be a genius. Are we all in agreement on that? Good. Now give me $25 so you can be at least as smart as Brett. -- K. Any cabaret performance advertised at the supermarket must be really classy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This weekend, Brett Somers will be in my BLANK! Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 01:15:54 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > no way I'd ever cancel a date for something as wacky as An Evening > > With Brett Somers, > > I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that anyone would date Kibo without > EXPECTING to be taken to see/mock An Evening With Brett Somers on a > moment's notice. I just don't want to spoil the show for everyone else by having someone screaming the safeword at the top of their lungs. Nobody can handle that much Brett Somers! Also, remember, I can't actually get Jack Black to go out with me. -- K. I'd take Jai from "Queer Eye" except he might appreciate Brett's show in a non-ironic way and that would be very wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This weekend, Brett Somers will be in my BLANK! Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 00:58:26 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The reason I was > > at the supermarket > > was that I needed > > to buy canned BLANK. > > Laughter. Yikes, you're way too clever to do well as a "Match Game" contestant. If you want to match Brett, you need to get better at saying things like "peas" or "eggs" or, if she's copying her answers from Charles again, "ham". -- K. Someday everything will come in the classic tetrahedral TetraPak, the way the future should be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Correction about Brett Somers's schedule Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 01:28:41 -0500 Brett Somers is _performing_ in my area on Saturday, but there will be a _reception_ for her on Sunday. So, on Sunday, if I were to go, which I won't, what stupid question would I pay $25, which I won't, to ask her to find out if she's as much of a ditz now as she was in 1976? I was thinking "What color is an orange?" but then I realized she might only be used to questions in the form of BLANK. If you'd like to book tickets, see http://www.brettsomers.com/engagements.shtml http://www.riversidetheatreworks.org/CabaretFest2004.htm -- K. Why am I so mean to people who used to be on game shows? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correction about Brett Somers's schedule Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 03:31:18 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Brett Somers is _performing_ in my area on Saturday, but there will > > be a _reception_ for her on Sunday. So, on Sunday, if I were to go, > > which I won't, what stupid question would I pay $25, which I won't, > > to ask her to find out if she's as much of a ditz now as she was in 1976? > > Dumb Donald was SO dumb ... > > (how dumb was he?) > > Dumb Donald was SO dumb, he paid twenty five dollars to see BLANK Somers! "OH I GOT IT I GOT IT!!! SUZANNE!!!" she'd yell, while holding up a blue card where "Suzanne" is spelled with Brett's trademark letter, a backwards lowercase "y". -- K. I once saw her vandalize a street sign outside McGill-Shatner University. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Someone please shoot me Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 13:53:14 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I have the flu. Or a flu. Regardless, it sucks. And since food is once > again my enemy, I decided that I would drink some milk because it is less > painful and at least I would be getting *some* nutrition. This is also the > time that my body decided to become lactose-intolerant. I would like you to > piece together this scenario -- I have a serious problem with food-like > substances explodiating out of my body without much warning whatsoever. And > I have sandpaper that is feebly attempting to disguise itself as toilet > tissue. > > Feel sorry for me. NOW. All's I can say is: Haw haw! I'm _over_ the flu! I have no sympathy for you people who become lactose intolerant on a whim. Try living your whole life without any contact with cheese. And stop stealing toilet paper from the elementary school. -- K. Yay, I gave Tam the flu! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Someone please shoot me Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 03:27:23 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I really hate you now. I mean, REALLY hate you. You are mean and awful and > I can't stand you. And I'm all sick and all icky and you are all > ca-ca-poo-poo and fucky and all of that stuff and I am not your friend > anymore unless you bow down before me and beg forgiveness and nurr. Nurr. > Nurr nurr nurr. Feh. Nurr. Tam, why are you talking to Brett Somers that way? I'm going to tell her you said all those mean things about her. -- K. The people you should _really_ hate are those bastards who got _our_ flu shots. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Someone please shoot me Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 13:57:09 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > Feel sorry for me. NOW. > > You ridicule Kibo's passing illness and then beg for sympathy for your > own? Just what part of "Death Ray" don't you understand? You'd better > start posting here 24/7 if you expect to survive the flu. Don't worry, I could cure Tam any time I wanted to. All she has to do is pay me $100,000 (American) and I will turn off my flu machine and she'll stop vomiting within 48 hours. Then it's just 72 hours of relatively tolerable congestion and she'll be back in circulation in no time. This goes for anyone else with this particular strain, too. Just send me $100,000 and I'll see that the virus runs its course in 48 hours. (If it lasts less than 48, I'll send you a bill for the extra money.) -- K. Mmm, the death ray sounds all crinkly today. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pukeyboard Date: Fri, 05 Nov 2004 14:01:22 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I just threw up on my keyboard. Oh, is _that_ why your previous article read that way... > Jeezus H. Fukken Christ! Won't ANYONE feel sorry for me now?!?!? Tam, step away from the keyboard _now_. If you don't have sense to stop posting to alt.religion.kibology when we're making you hurl, you need someone to come over there and drag you into the bathtub so you can barf correctly. (Me, I kept a bucket by the bedside every night.) > Fukken dammit.. Grrrr.. Fukken dammit grrr AND fukken dammit. And grrr. And haw haw. Remember, _no_ NyQuil. _No_ tomato-garlic sauce. I recommend Delsym for the cough that'll set in in two days. -- K. P.S.: Sorry for making you almost as sick as I just was. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: two one nine Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 03:36:56 -0500 Someone recently told me that the cost of repairing his car's tailpipe was $219, and I immediately blurted out "What an interesting number! It's _exactly_ SIX times SIX times SIX plus THREE, the number of SIXES, so your car is clearly possessed by Satan!" and then he professed not to believe in Satan and I explained that Satan can only possess the cars of those who don't believe in him. So, my dear personal peanut gallery, canst thou please think of other clever ways to turn his "219" into "666" or other numbers which are inherently evil? -- K. 1040? 2034? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: school (was: The entire state of Ohio can kiss my hairy buttocks) Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 14:45:10 -0500 Poppy (aldermeredelete@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > What would I teach them if I had the opportunity myself? Logic and > reasoning, because it would help them to analyze and evaluate every facet of > their lives for themselves with less risk of being manipulated by others. But then your school would only turn out dominants. Shouldn't there also be some submissives for the kids to play with? You need to put half the kids in the "Here's how to do whatever the fuck you want" class and the other half of the kids in the "Here's why you should let them do whatever the fuck they want, and you better like it" class. And besides, logic is something that can be taught in about thirty seconds. Here: If I fall in a manhole and die, that's a tragedy. If you fall in a manhole and die, that's comedy. If I push you into the manhole, that's bankable mass-market comedy. And if I succinctly explain everything in the world with an air-tight analogy to some old joke, that's logic, especially if I end it by shouting "Q.E.D., DING DING DING I WIN NO GIVEBACKS INFINITY!!!" Q.E.D., DING and so on. -- K. Logic is the thing that gives the hitsies of the mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: tool porn (was: Why your religion?) Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 19:56:37 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > My next door neighbor wants to sell all his woodworking tools because > > he can no longer do woodworking for health reasons. He has some > > amazing power tools and hand tools. I'm just telling you this so you > > can know what you are missing when I don't give you any information > > that would allow you to get your hands on any of it. > > In that case, I shall pretend it's all Craftman and Ryobi. Nanananananananananananana CRAFTMAN! "Quick, Ryobi! To the Craftcave!" (corporate logos spin around) "Holy hacksaws, Craftman! The Craftputer says that the Studfinder has swiped the joists from the Museum Of Stucco!" "Yes, Ryobi, that canny criminal's capers shall surely lead to a building code violation." "Code... code... Holy Code of Hammurabi, Craftman! I just remembered that our other arch-nemesis, Hammurabi, is on leave from the Gotham Sanitarium For The Criminally Insane! The two of them must mean to replace modern building codes with the Building Code Of Hammurabi!" "Great Scott, Ryobi, you just might be right. There's not a moment to lose! To the Craftmobile, right after a blowjob!" (corporate logos spin around for fifteen minutes) > Bitch. That sort of language has no place here on 1960s TV. Wait until the word "turkey" is invented so you can say it instead. -- K. heh heh, I said "tool". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Watch out for the deadly, flying fragments of what used to be news! Date: Tue, 09 Nov 2004 13:31:54 -0500 Hey. A few weeks ago, I told Google News to begin alerting me to newspaper articles containing a wide variety of useful words which might lead to articles worth mocking ("wedge", "Anson Williams", etc.) Well, sadly, this approach did not turn up any articles worth reading. It did, however, turn up a lot of excerpts that are worth reading only if you don't read any context around them. So, I give you this big bowl of bits of things that used to be newspaper articles. . . . . . . . . . [www.telegraph.co.uk] -> -> Scientific tests have proved the efficacy of Mozart in music -> therapy: it is indeed deeply calming. Not that this stops his -> greatest fan going about the house trilling, farting and twitching -> like a dervish. [www2.townonline.com] => => If I were to design an ad, would I admit that each baby I bore => added 10 pounds to my "big-boned" frame? => => That I collect themed steering wheel covers? => => That my secret dream is to have a 1959 Cadillac with flames => painted on the side and a teacup poodle in my lap while I drive it? => => That I want to be buried smothered in popcorn, my favorite food? => => Who but Pee Wee Herman would want such a woman? [www.trivalleyherald.com] -> -> AND THE SEATS appear to have been designed by Vlad the Impaler. -> Why anyone chooses to sit on one of those leather-covered tire -> irons is something I have trouble understanding. It seems to me -> that perching on one of today's teaspoon-sized seats and pedalling -> around the block would be like riding a picket fence to Antioch -- -> an experience amounting to little more than a wedgie on wheels. [www.thefreeman.com] => => In order not to derail the promotion and to ensure a better and => more formidable replacement, promoter Sammy "Don King" Gello-ani => is left with nay choice than to tap one of Indonesia's top => bantamweight contenders in Christian "Kibo" Kasino as a new => opponent for Bautista. [www.timesunion.com] -> -> With billboards and other promotions in the Boston area reading -> "Toot if you like beans" and "Who cut the cholesterol?," bean -> advocates took to the streets and subways alike. There are -> pro-bean signs that say, "Live to be an old fart." [www.chron.com] => => A late-night intruder to Joe's Long Island mansion insists he's a => messenger from God. Here's where you either accept or reject => Simon's treatment, because the messenger is a mere mortal from => Jackson Heights named Sidney Lipton, a wacky, gossip-spouting => movie buff in long scarf and tatty raincoat, who delivers messages => on a bike. => => Put it this way: The role was originated by Charles Nelson Reilly. [www.thestate.com] -> -> Tracking epidemics, tracing patterns of suicide, eradicating -> killer diseases, parachuting into a situation in which some -> unknown intestinal parasite is causing a bunch of people to -> experience explosive diarrhea -- fascinating stuff. [www.mailtribune.com] => => Just when you think the human race has turned sex into some kind => of carnal "Match Game," with hook-ups, buddy sex and "friends with => benefits," there is Dr. Ruth to cheer you up. [advocate.com] -> -> Leathermen/women wearing leather. Chaps, vest, harness, leather -> jock, horsetail butt plug: all not a costume. [quakemagic.matchnight.com] => => 1: LA fans refused to sit down when asked by all around them to do so. => => 2: Some LA fan swore out loud at the surrounding people and one => guy even made a vulgar act of simulating oral sex. => => 3: The "finger" was shown quite often. => => 4: The fans antagonized security. => => 5: They made fun of Alexi Lalas as he tried to calm things down. => The comment "Job well done secret agent Alexi. San Jose is in last => place," was heard over and over. => => 6: A guy described, as a Pee Wee Herman look alike would wait for => a lull in the "action in the stands" and then yell, "Earthquakes suck." [www.nzherald.co.nz] -> -> "We have the right as citizens to watch the mighty fall and the -> flighty be mauled," declared British lawyer Mark Stephens, in a -> light-hearted debate with serious themes at the International Bar -> Association's annual conference. -> -> "They betray our faith in democracy and would make Enron's -> accountants blush. They don't need protection from us - these are -> people who crept into the seats of power with copies of -> Machiavelli tucked into every orifice." [www.cincypost.com] => => A 19-year-old woman who was getting a parking ticket Friday at the => White Castle in University Heights ended up getting hit by police => with a Taser. => => Jessica Battle was illegally parked in a handicapped parking spot => at the 3030 Central Parkway White Castle and tried to leave before => an officer could finish writing a parking ticket about 3 a.m., => police said. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> The "tour" involved trudging around in the rain behind a little -> old lady, drinking cup after plastic cup of sulphurous water that -> smelt like eggy fart, while she explained how the town of Spa has -> been famous for its springs since Pliny the Elder, the natural -> historian and scientist, discovered their healing properties in -> Roman times. By the 16th century, Spa's sulphur and -> bicarbonate-filled natural waters had apparently acquired -> legendary status and was the popular chill-out destination of -> celebs such as Henry VIII, Peter the Great and Casanova. It seems -> to have all been downhill since then. [www.cavalierdaily.com] => => In the course of your four wild years at college, some strange => things are bound to happen with people you've just bedded. People => inevitably do any one of the following while sleeping: steal the => covers, put in retainers, fart, drool, speak Spanish with their => eyes wide open, puke or pee in the bed, kick/flail arms and my => favorite, successfully occupy all, and I do mean all, of the => queen-sized bed. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Ahead of me, my guide Angel was making farting noises. -> -> "For the tody," he whispered, then pursed his lips and let rip -> another "ppprrrppp". He was attempting to summon the Cuban tody, a -> squat bird that is also known as the "little farter" on account of -> the noise of its wings in flight. Improbably, Angel's efforts -> reaped an echo. There it was, flashing green, red and white as it -> flitted above us to its burrow in a sandy bank, farting all the -> way. [www.dailytrojan.com] => => The other players can even make various farting noises while the => president is choosing his rules. [www.designnews.com] -> -> Dear M.G.: To produce clean holes through metal-impregnated rubber -> urethane, try a water-jet cutter with a ruby orifice to restrict -> the stream and clean up the overspray. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => [Bob Geldof said:] 'You go, "Fuck, something really entered the => culture."' [www.abqtrib.com] -> -> No, he doesn't really have a platform. (It's more of a wedgie.) [www.nytimes.com] => => Science is, of course, expected by many to have some practical => value, and indeed, by shocking fruit flies we may one day learn => why dominatrixes are so popular. [www.zwire.com] -> -> [...] the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my -> wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie. [www.inpharma.com] => => The study determined the effect of fabrication parameters, orifice => diameter (needle gauge), polymer solution concentration and => voltage per unit length, on the morphology and diameter of => electrospun nanofibres. [www.villagevoice.com] -> -> When you send someone your photo, he assumes that it's the best -> photo that has ever or will ever be taken of you. So when you send -> out a bad photo--and that's an awful photo--guys look at it and -> think, "Shit, if that's the best photo that has ever been taken of -> this guy, he must be one ugly motherfucker!" My advice: Get some -> better, more flattering pictures, ones that make you look a little -> less like a Nader voter who's just been hit on the head with a brick. [www.dfw.com] => => I hate the term "forcing." It makes me feel like a floral => dominatrix, the high-heeled boots and leather outfit replaced with => Wellies and leather gardening gloves, striking bulb-filled clay => pots with a riding crop, commanding them to grow and bloom. [www.cubed-3.co.uk] -> -> Nintendo have really gone to town into making it look pretty and -> sparkly, which will no doubt add to the fun atmosphere that the -> title is trying to spurt out of every orifice. [www.exclaim.ca] => => Basically, they don't give a fuck what anyone else is doing, => unless it's really intense. They're out for the thrill and sheer => fucking excitement of blowing away their audiences and making it => as painful as humanly possible to appreciate what they do. And => they love Degrassi Junior High. A lot. [www.kansascity.com] -> -> "We are charging a $21.50 cover for the shows, so people should -> come to listen.". Allyson by some measures is a jazz dominatrix. [browns.scout.com] => => In the meantime, embarrassing the loathsome nebbish Brian Billick, => former Match Game contestant and all-around fey jackass, is what I => live for this week. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> In King Solomon style, Officer Richard E. Davis was able to talk -> some sense into the warring family and reported that ``all family -> members were able to come to an agreement over use of the bathroom -> as a necessity to human culture.'' [www.startribune.com] => => Charles Nelson Reilly says he once survived on plates of ziti and => sausage left outside his door by benevolent Italian neighbors. [orient.bowdoin.edu] -> -> Be sure to sharpen your Leatherman before carving your pumpkin. [dnj.midsouthnews.com] => She says women are often guilty of what she labels "The Match Game." [www.mapleridgenews.com] -> -> Air out your hockey gear, but don't leave it alone in a room with -> a cat; [...] giving wedgies is a rite of passage. Receiving a wedgie -> just feels plain wrong. [www.riverfronttimes.com] => => "We resent the current situation," declares one man holding his => baby daughter, "and she just farted." Life, apparently, goes on. [www.tnn.co.uk] -> -> Might I venture to suggest that this is true platinum-tipped -> gonadery? Telematics are marvellous things, dreamt up by clever -> earnest people who talk for a long time at press events with -> locked doors. Telematics tell you where your truck is, where it's -> been, what it's doing and the winner of the 4.15 at Redcar. For -> all I know, they may well tell you as to which digit is inserted -> in which orifice for any particular employee, and all in real time. [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Celery Soda with Other Natural Flavors. => Celery...soda. Celery...soda. My brain is farting blood just => trying to contain the cognitive dissonance. I saw this at Vons one => night and, partly out of curiosity, partly out of some masochistic => desire to transport my tongue to a Jewish deli in New York, I => bought a liter bottle. File under "acquired taste"--meaning it's => fucktastically awful. Yeah, it tastes like celery, awright, but => that doesn't quite capture the experience. It tastes like a => freshly mowed lawn smells. Like diet water. Like how a hospital => room feels when you're sitting there on the crinkly paper in your => backless smock, antiseptically alone but for the indifferent hum => of the fluorescent lights, waiting for the doctor to return with, => you pray, good news, it's not cancer, your enormous, grossly => veined right ball is just a herniated testicle. It's hard to => explain. Just don't drink it. Your tongue--and maybe even my => tongue--will thank you. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> He added that the atmosphere at the Goth dances is friendly and -> relaxed. -> -> "The people there are all feeling the same vibe, they are not -> caring so much about how they look as how the music makes them feel." -> -> Mr. Barta said sadomasochism is not a dominant theme. . . . . . . . . . I would just like I say that I enjoy Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda, but I can only tolerate it about once a year because it does indeed taste awful. -- K. A Google News alert for "wedgie" tends to not find the highest-quality news sources. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Thoughts on the Results of the Presidential Election Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 13:00:49 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > We are well and truly fucked. Whaddaya mean "we", white man? -- K. Shortest Kibo followup ever! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:01:01 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > A new entry on the bottom row of the vending machine is a packet of two > small donuts with little red spots, slathered in a quarter-inch of gooey, > translucent white sugar glaze. I don't plan to try them, for fear that > their name might turn out to be all too apt: Cherry Blasters. Mmm, I love imitation cherries. Who's the manufacturer of this potentially delicious treat? I'll have to check the vending machines at my local gas stations for them. It's the sort of thing which is guaranteed to give me an upset stomach (just like Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, and other things that combine large amounts of sugar with artificial fruit flavor) but I don't care, I like anything that has polka dots _and_ a layer of varnish. > Also it should be the name of a porn game and/or reality show. I'm still waiting for someone to buy me a bottle of that annually newsworthy Jones Turkey & Gravy Soda. Mmm, carbonated gravy. Mail me anything and I'll tell you how it tastes. (This offer limited to items sold as food only. No large-bag garden supplies.) -- K. They make cherry-flavored condoms, but why don't they make turkey & gravy ones?