From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:01:01 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > A new entry on the bottom row of the vending machine is a packet of two > small donuts with little red spots, slathered in a quarter-inch of gooey, > translucent white sugar glaze. I don't plan to try them, for fear that > their name might turn out to be all too apt: Cherry Blasters. Mmm, I love imitation cherries. Who's the manufacturer of this potentially delicious treat? I'll have to check the vending machines at my local gas stations for them. It's the sort of thing which is guaranteed to give me an upset stomach (just like Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, and other things that combine large amounts of sugar with artificial fruit flavor) but I don't care, I like anything that has polka dots _and_ a layer of varnish. > Also it should be the name of a porn game and/or reality show. I'm still waiting for someone to buy me a bottle of that annually newsworthy Jones Turkey & Gravy Soda. Mmm, carbonated gravy. Mail me anything and I'll tell you how it tastes. (This offer limited to items sold as food only. No large-bag garden supplies.) -- K. They make cherry-flavored condoms, but why don't they make turkey & gravy ones? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name Date: Sat, 20 Nov 2004 02:46:08 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mail me anything and I'll tell you how it tastes. > > I mailed it. Did you taste it? Yes, I did. Thank you very much. The packet of Cherry Blasters arrived yesterday, and here are the notes I typed up at the time: Today I received the pair of Cherry Blasters in the mail. Thank you very much for the, um, envelope containing two very flat doughnuts. (The Post Office clearly had trouble squishing them flat enough to cancel the envelope, as there were four or five postmarks stacked up.) Because I usually pick up my mail when on my way out, and because the only thing I had to carry the smushed doughnuts in is the little black leather tote I keep my portable computer in, I figured I'd better immediately attempt to eat the Cherry Blasters before they got any more mangled. So, I did not attempt to microwave them, even though the package assured me that was possible, because I am currently on a subway train that doesn't have a microwave. Cherry Blasters are a stamped-out doughnut-shaped cake treat, very fragile and crumbly (and now flat), with pink polka dots in the cake. There is a layer of waxy, semi-opaque white frosting applied to one face of each Cherry Blaster. Oddly, the cake had nearly disintegrated in the mail but the indestructible frosting was still intact. There are no solid bits of "cherry" in the Cherry Blasters. They are simply cakes with random pink stains from drops of food coloring. The flavor is... um... Twinkie-like. I could not have figured out these were supposed to be a "cherry" product if they hadn't told me. They tasted like preservative-filled snack cakes with a little extra citric acid. I ate 3/4 of one and then my stomach started hurting in the same way it does when I attempt to eat Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc. I have since recovered from eating the squished, diseased-looking doughnut-shaped non-doughnut. -- K. Oh, and the "cherry" flavor reminded me of Jar Jar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 14:05:01 -0500 [regarding Cherry Blasters] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There is a layer of waxy, semi-opaque white frosting applied to one > > face of each Cherry Blaster. Oddly, the cake had nearly disintegrated > > in the mail but the indestructible frosting was still intact. > > I was disappointed to get them out of the machine and find that that > layer was only on the top and not surrounding the entire donut. If it > had gone all the way around, it might even have prevented them from being > flattened. It might have also prevented them from being digested. On the other hand, I accidentally swallowed a whole jelly bean last night. So I could try swallowing a whole plastic-coated mini-doughnut and see if it comes out with that jelly bean lodged in the hole. > > They tasted like preservative-filled snack cakes with a little extra > > citric acid. > > No phosphate, even? I've been ripped off! Every fake cherry product is > supposed to taste like the "window cleaner" they warn you about in > chemical safety class! All I remember about chemical safety class is that everything was a "gateway chemical" which would lead you to drinking the hard stuff -- bleach, lye, or hot sauce. > > I ate 3/4 of one and then my stomach started hurting in the same way > > it does when I attempt to eat Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc. > > They must have been even worse than I guessed, for you to withhold so > maliciously the essential result of this experiment: how apt the name > "Blasters" was. Was the pain in your stomach at least 3/8 of a blast? No, it was more of a dull, boring, steady ache and not exciting momentary pain. It didn't even reach the level of red pain, let alone white pain. > I have since eaten one of the Cloverhill Bakery Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls > from the vending machine, microwaved, and it was quite good and full of > real cinnamon. It was also covered with semi-opaque white sugary stuff, > but only about one-tenth as thick as that on the Cherry Blasters. Yeah, those Texans with their frosting-covered cinnamon buns prancing around. Texas is a sissy state, if you ask me. I mean, "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" was filmed there! Now, Massachusetts, that's a manly state, what with Teddy Kennedy getting drunk without pants and all that heavy machinery pulling up buildings to make the Big Dig and of course Provincetown, where no girls are allowed. -- K. Sometime I should visit Provincetown. To get there from Boston, you just need to ride a f-e-r-r-y. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Greatest prank ever! Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:40:04 -0500 Ladies and gentlemen, modern technology had rendered your primitive whoopie cushions obsolete. [from http://triggur.org/robodump/ ] -> -> By Kevin Kelm (kkelm@triggur.org) -> Friday, Nov 12, 2004 -> -> RoboDump is a robot. Sort of. And it poops. Sort of. Forever. A -> horrible, never-ending bowel movement complete with straining -> grunts, horrific gas, splashes, and pee sounds. This is an awesome idea. It's a pair of shoes and pants legs, attached to a speaker. It sits in a toilet stall all day making gross noises for the horror of people hanging out in the same restroom, and for the amusement of the other people hanging out in the same restroom. -> Here's the soundtrack. The left channel speaker points up into the -> room (for the voice effects) and the right channel speaker points -> down into the toilet (for the business-end effects). And once again, the world is grateful that smellovision still hasn't caught on, especially in stereo. -> I snuck RoboDump into the men's room at the office. Unfortunately, -> today turned out to be the day of a board meeting. Whoops! It -> still went over well; the office was abuzz all morning with gossip -> about the guy in the bathroom. Several people theorized it was the -> CFO. The janitor commented to someone in the hallway that he -> wanted to clean the restroom but "this guy's been in there all -> morning." The proper place for RoboDump would be the Boston Public Library, because (a) it could pass the Turing Test by being indistinguishable from Don Saklad, and (b) janitor? what janitor? -> I also decided to dress it in businessware to make coworkers less -> likely to try to talk to it... if it looks like a customer or -> visiting bigwig, they'll be less likely to offer help or ask for a -> courtesy flush. I would love to see the face of the first guy who peers over the stall door and sees a robot sitting on the toilet. The thing should be equipped with a motion detector connected to a flash camera to document the great moment (as well as recording the elapsed time to discovery, so that two RoboDumps in different locations can be placed in competition.) Questions to inspire future research and development: 1.) How does one place RoboDump and secure the stall door? Crawling out under the door is a disgusting, filthy practice. I think the next generation of RoboDump should include the capability to lock its own stall door from the inside. 2.) Assuming the janitor is waiting outside the men's room all night for an opportunity to clean up all the brown spattering, how does RoboDump's master go in to clandestinely retrieve RoboDump? The next version of RoboDump should be made from biodegradable materials so that the entire robot will be flushable, to destroy the evidence. (At a scheduled time, the robot would pull the flush lever and scream as it got sucked down the drain. If the batteries held up, it could keep screaming all the way through the city sewer system.) 3.) How could a real executive go so long without making even one cell phone call? The recording should periodically yell "Hey honey, guess where I'm calling you from!" or "What's for dinner? Mmm, meat loaf!" 4.) Why isn't there a version for urinals? These issues aside, I maintain that this is the greatest prank ever. Kevin Kelm deserves the Nobel Prize For Fart Noises. -- K. All the best pranks involve robots without "off" switches. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Greatest prank ever! Date: Sat, 13 Nov 2004 02:41:49 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > the evidence. (At a scheduled time, the robot would pull the > > flush lever and scream as it got sucked down the drain. If the > > batteries held up, it could keep screaming all the way through > > the city sewer system.) > > So I was sitting here, near tears, because my life really can't get any > worse than it currently is -- well, it can, I suppose, but it would > involve nuclear detonation -- and I was about to ask someone to please > post something to cheer me up. Nevermind! Kibo has turned my tears of > excrutiating pain into mad, wonderful joy! Again! Hey, I ain't the fartin' robot here. He should get some of the credit for farting away your excre-toot-iating pain. Also he gets all the blame for trying to even pretend that in some parallel universe "excre-toot-iating" was almost pun of some sort. It's not, even in that one universe where everything is a pun. Me saying "excre-toot-iating" just made that whole universe cease to exist, and everyone in it died. I don't like this new "Lexx" episode. Let's talk about something different, like which would be funnier, hearing a farting robot screaming as it shot through miles of sewer pipes, or hearing a barber robot singing filthy sea chanties as it shot through miles of an even bigger robot's colon? -- K. CHEER UP, STACIA! THE INTERNET HAS AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF TURD HUMOR! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Replace This Line With Your Subject Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 18:08:13 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I am happy and grateful for a low-carb alternative to the full > > > Thanksgiving meal, but do you think even Kibo could down a bottle of > > > Green Bean Casserole soda? > > > > > > http://www.jonessoda.com/files/turkey04.html > > > > Yes. > > WRONG! Bzzzt! According to the web site they are SOLD OUT of their > Thanksgiving Fun-Pak. Damn! I know I'd drink it if someone gave me some. After all, I've tried every flavor of Gatorade, even the one that tastes twice as much like urine as the others. Heck, once I even drank a whole bottle of Moxie. (Took a week.) Note that I do not accept _homemade_ meat soda, even from friends. My offer to drink a bottle of it only extends to the professionally- bottled stuff, as I don't think I want to get the world's stupidest food poisoning and then be billed for damage to the hospital room caused by the doctors falling over laughing. Every year, the Jones Turkey Soda publicity stunt gets way too much media coverage. And Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda gets way too little. I mean, it's a carbonated celery-seed flavored soda which is not only unnatural, but also kosher! That's every bit as weird as if Ronald McDonald was a sexy Japanese girl! Oh, wait, he is. ( http://210.175.5.231/McDonalds/tmcg/tmcg_woman_b.wmv ) Well, now my worldview is shattered. What's next, finding out Mickey Mouse is really the same person as Fonzie? -- K. A White Castle soda would be great, with or without bacon bits. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Everything sucks Date: Sun, 14 Nov 2004 11:18:02 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I don't think turning into a giant robot with people gives you the > right to snoop into their private lives. Depends on whether the people are inside or outside you before or after the transformation, and whether the robot is shaped like a giant pair of binoculars. My attitude is: You can spy on 'em or you can just squish 'em. One's a right and one's a duty, and I don't need to tell anyone which is which. Also, when giant robots fall in love with puny humans, they are entitled to rip the roof off Dairy Queen to help themselves to a free Fribble. This is because Dairy Queen's agenda is to promote fobidden robot/human lovemaking almost as much as they promote eating petrochemical-based "dairy". And the machine that squeezes out the "soft serve" dessert treats at Dairy Queen? That's the restaurant's ass. Every Dairy Queen is really a giant robot that can't see, think, move, or transform -- just poop. -- K. I like robots. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: FBI turned AMERICA into a NATION of PROGRAMMED SLAVES and ROBOTS Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 12:42:06 -0500 In alt.religion.jehovahs-witn, alt.religion.kibology, alt.religion.mormon, alt.religion.raelian, and alt.religion.scientology, Keith (keithn124@hotmail.com) spammed: > > Please save this column on your computers and email accounts and also > forward this to all your friends, family, coworkers, democracy > websites, civil liberties websites and as many americans as possible > who are genuinely concerned about CIVIL LIBERTIES and FREEDOM in > America. > > FBI turned AMERICA into a NATION of "PROGRAMMED SLAVES" and "ROBOTS" > > FBI is an ORGANIZATION of FUCKING CLOWNS, Do you often fantasize about clown sex? > THUGS, I prefer the term "goon". > CRIMINALS, I understand they're trying to pass a law to make it illegal to skip over TV commercials whenever you watch a videotape. Then you could go to jail and be sentenced to watch 40 years of commercials in one sitting. > RACISTS, There is no racism in the United States! At least not around here, because we don't have any black people in this part of the country. They all have to stay on the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line that the Masons drew with a Dixon Ticonderoga pencil, starting at Fort Ticonderoga. > TRANSVESTITES, Dave Foley isn't American, he's Canadian, you hoser! > EUNUCHS, Eunuchs who fuck clowns? > SADISTS, Ding! > PERVERTS, Ding! > DICTATORS Ding! > and MENTALLY SICK FUCKING TERRORISTS. Wait, now I'm confused. Is Bozo a terrorist, or is he just screwing one? > FBI motherfuckers CREATED a BIG MAZE called AMERICA where 290 mil > american programmed slaves play so the FBI SADISTS and PERVERTS can > watch these 290 mil americans from a top view and AMUSE THEMSELVES. Real sadists and perverts prefer a more "hands-on" approach. > Here are some points for ALL AMERICANS to ponder: > > 1) If AMERICA is a DEMOCRACY, then why do 290 mil americans PISS IN > THEIR PANTS and are AFRAID of FBI SHITHEADS ? Ah. Someone has a bedwetting issue. PYSCHOANALYSIS COMPLETE. [several hundred more lines of blather elided] > 16) Here is an AUSTRALIAN CHRISTIAN's view about the UNBEARABLE > ARROGANT, HYPOCRITIC, RACIST AMERICAN GOVT. > > Ian Paul Freely Yes, yes, we know you're the "I. P. Freely" everyone keeps talking about. Now go spell the word "IMAGE" and then say "REALLY DIM BULB". -- K. I don't understand why, when I'm wearing my "GOON #2" T-shirt, I still can't pick any fights with Adam West. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Did. Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 12:46:06 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Dear Folk: I made a mistake and said John Luke PIcard requested > tea with the following words, "Earl Grey, Black". He really said > Earl Grey, hot. The French spelling of John Luke Picard is > actually Jean Luc Picard. You know he's not real, right? Only Wesley Crusher is real. -- K. Also, the reason they deleted McCoy's drunken line, "Or a CREW of TEN, A THOUSAND MILES TALL!!!" from the director's cut DVD of the first "Star Trek" movie is that they didn't want to give Shatner an idea for a spin-off series where Kirk has a toupee 999.999 miles tall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: TiVo to start sucking soon Date: Wed, 17 Nov 2004 23:01:06 -0500 [from news.yahoo.com] -> -> TiVo Will No Longer Skip Past Advertisers -> -> Wed Nov 17, 7:55 AM ET -> By Gina Piccalo -> Times Staff Writer -> -> When it debuted in 1999, TiVo revolutionized the TV experience -> by wresting control of screen time from advertisers, allowing -> viewers to record shows and skip commercials. TiVo's slogan said -> it all: "TV your way." I've never heard that slogan. I think I skipped over it. -> Behind the scenes, though, TiVo was courting advertisers, selling -> inroads to a universe most customers saw as commercial-free. The -> result is a groundbreaking new business strategy, developed with -> more than 30 of the nation's largest advertisers, that in key ways -> circumvents the very technology that made TiVo famous. -> -> By March, TiVo viewers will see "billboards," or small logos, -> popping up over TV commercials as they fast-forward through them, -> offering contest entries, giveaways or links to other ads. If a -> viewer "opts in" to the ad, their contact information will be -> downloaded to that advertiser -- exclusively and by permission -> only -- so even more direct marketing can take place. Pop-up ads in front of the TV picture? Hmm. Well, now I don't feel conflicted about needing to replace my aging, dying TiVo despite having little spare cash. The thing's gonna die eventually, and when it does, I'll use its shelf as a place to store some of the books that litter my apartment. (The thing's already served its purpose anyway -- it found me all the TV reruns I wanted to see, and since there's not much new good stuff on TV, I don't really need to watch TV much any more now that I've seen everything.) -> [...] -> -> "TiVo looked like it was going to be the weapon of mass -> destruction of Madison Avenue," says Robert Thompson, Syracuse -> University professor of television and pop culture. "However, we -> knew that the [TV] spot ad would not go gently into the night, and -> this is the next battle strategy." -> -> The shift underscores what industry observers have been saying -> since TiVo started -- that TV advertising and programming must -> change dramatically to survive. I should point out that buggy whips are still on the market (you can get them in the equine section of PETsMART) although they now sell for 1/2000th the cost of a car. (Also, buying one requires you to have an amusing conversation with the PETsMART clerk about your imaginary horse.) So, since cars didn't destroy the buggy-whip industry, I don't think TiVo could have eliminated TV commercials. After all, if there weren't commercials, "The Price Is Right" and "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" would be precisely zero minutes long. -> These are anxious times for marketers, who are faced with -> commercial-busting technology that's evolving faster than they can -> keep up. Broadcast-ready cellphones, hyper-real video games, -> interactive DVDs and the Internet give consumers the on-demand, -> often commercial-free entertainment they crave. Yeah, especially because there are no product placements in video games, obnoxious trailers on DVD, or any ads on the Internet. What decade is this reporter living in, and which page of that calendar is she smoking? -> [...] -> -> For this reason, ad agency executives who initially ignored TiVo -> and its digital video recorder technology, or DVR, are now -> praising it as an industry savior. Only one problem: To get people to buy these new extra-commercial TiVos, they'll have to advertise them. And those of us with the old, good TiVos will never see those commercials. So there. -> [...] -> -> Yet from its inception, TiVo engineered its system with -> advertisers and networks in mind. While competitor ReplayTV -> had allowed its subscribers to skip commercials entirely -- -> TiVo restricted its fast-forward capabilities so viewers could -> still see the commercial, albeit eight times faster than intended. Eight? No, sixty. "Ba-boop" is 3x, "Baboop-baboop" is 20x, and "Baboopbaboopbaboop" is 60x, unless you've been tinkering around with the internal variables. (This is why, if you're talking to me and you start boring me, I'll yell "Baboop-baboop!" at you, or if I never want to see you again, "Dung! Dung! Dung!") -> [...] -> -> "TiVo is dependent on a psychology," says Neal Gabler, a senior -> fellow at the Norman Lear Center at USC Annenberg and author of -> "Life the Movie: How Entertainment Conquered Reality." "It is not -> just a technology. You don't want people to intrude in your life. -> That's the whole point of it -- to give you control of that -> mechanism.... I think they're going to find themselves losing -> customers. I say this as a TiVo subscriber." -> -> To Syracuse University's Thompson, the concept of interactive -> advertising interrupts the most relaxing aspect of watching TV. -> "People seem to forget that what we've loved about television so -> dearly is its abject passivity," he says. "That's why they call it -> couch potato. TV was so great because it wasn't interactive." "Mr. Data, why was TV so great?" "Young Wesley, back in the 20th century people thought that the height of entertainment was to stare at a flickering box that presented simple melodramas where people solved problems with their fists, especially William Shatner. The reason TV did not survive into the 24th century is that now we have something more exciting -- the holodeck, which is better than TV because it malfunctions and tries to murder us every single time we use it." -> [...] -> -> "Watching [an ad] is one thing," TiVo loyalist Calogero says. -> "Interacting with it is something that the consumer is going to -> need a little more reassurance that their information isn't being -> sold. I mean, TiVo knows how many times I rewinded to see Janet -> Jackson's breast come up. How much more do they know about me?" Dear bozo: IF YOU DON'T WANT US TO KNOW THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR LIFE SO FAR WAS STARING AT HALF A BOOBIE FOR A QUARTER OF A SECOND OVER AND OVER, DON'T BRAG TO REPORTERS THAT YOU FREEZE-FRAMED THAT BOOBIE. -- K. Oh, and also, your TiVo just told me that you should stop looking at that boobie because you're gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: more Christian sadomasochism Date: Thu, 18 Nov 2004 03:04:26 -0500 [from www.adn.com] -> -> Principal who was voluntarily whipped is fired -> -> The Associated Press -> (Published: November 13, 2004) -> -> WASILLA (AP) - A principal at a Christian school who was fired for -> being voluntarily whipped in front of two students does not regret -> his decision. -> -> "I'm not bitter," Steve Unfreid said Friday of his dismissal as -> principal of Matanuska Christian School in Palmer. -> -> Unfreid said his choice of discipline was inspired by the actions -> of Jesus. ...because Jesus was one of those exhibitionists who went out of his way to be tortured in front of kids. -> He asked teacher Joe Brost to whip him in front of two male students -> in the school's basement last month after the boys were caught -> kissing girls in the locker room for the second time in a week. "Boys, you're going to see me getting kinky with Joe Brost until you stop being interested in kissing _girls_!" Oh, and were the boys kissing girls in the boys' locker room or the girls' locker room? -> When the two seniors, 17 and 18, got caught kissing the girls in -> front of younger students, Unfreid said he contemplated about what -> discipline to hand out. He woke at 3 a.m. and prayed how to avoid -> expelling them. -> -> He said that was when he remembered years ago he had cured his son -> of chronic lying by telling his son to hit him with a wooden ladle -> instead of spanking the youngster. "And if that doesn't work, I'm sending you to reform school in Attleboro!" -> Later at school, Unfreid walked the boys down to a basement room -> with Brost. He told them, " 'Guys, this has gotta stop,' " he -> said. " 'I've let the atmosphere get too lax. I share in this -> discipline. This is a one-time deal.' " -> -> Then the principal took off his belt, gave it to Brost, and -> instructed the teacher to "discipline me like you would discipline -> your own son," he recalled. -> -> He told the teacher to stop only when the students acknowledged -> their mistake. The whole thing, starting with the trip downstairs, -> lasted 5 to 10 minutes, he said. What, no time for foreplay? -> The next day, Unfreid mentioned the lesson in Bible class. A -> student in class complained, talked to school officials, and word -> of the incident spread. Unfreid was put on administrative leave -> that Thursday. Yeah, torture is completely inappropriate to discuss in Bible class when you're supposed to be talking about crucifixion and Christians being thrown to lions and that saint who got shot with a zillion arrows and oh yeah all that highly imaginative stuff that's supposed to happen in Hell. -- K. So which part of the Bible tells me when to take off my studded belt? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update 2004-11-19 Date: Fri, 19 Nov 2004 03:27:37 -0500 Okay, so I hadn't re-colored my hair lately, because for Halloween I'd shaved it very short, and since then it had faded to an interesting sort of Morris-the-Cat pale orange fur with a hint of brown underneath. Today (three weeks later) I decided it had grown out (and faded) enough to warrant another bleach-and-dye cycle, so I just bleached it. At the moment I have beautiful metallic gold hair -- the ends of the hairs are a pale yellow (old orange plus new bleach) with a layer of tan below, leading to a wonderfully abnormal-looking metallic sheen. However, the beard (the only part I hadn't shaved back at Halloween, when I needed to eliminate the blue color) went from orange to blue when I bleached it -- the blue dye _still_ hasn't faded or bleached out! So I have gold hair with a pale blue beard. Later tonight I'll dye everything fluorescent orange and be back to my normal look. And then after that, I'll use the conditioner I normally use after all these other chemicals. It's basically wax, sold as "ApHOGEE INTENSIVE KERATIN RECONSTRUCTOR". It has a list of ingredients I dare anyone to set to music: INGREDIENTS: Water, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate-60, Behenamidopropylamine Behenate, Stearalkonium Chloride, Cetrimonium Chloride, Cocodimonium Hydrolyzed Hair Keratin, Hydrolyzed Glycosaminoglycans (Hydrolyzed Mucopolysaccharides), Sodium-Coco Collagen Amino Acids, Wheat Germ Fatty Acids, Linoleic Acid, Linolenic Acid, Arachidonic Acid, Squalane, Avocado Oil, Acetamide MEA, Panthenol, Wheat Germ Oil, Jojoba Oil, Tocopherol, Tocopheryl Acetate, Sulfur, Amodimethicone, Polyquarternium-10, Linoleamidopropyl PG-Dimonium Chloride Phosphate, Tallowtrimonium Chloride, Nonoxynol-10, Cocoyl Sarcosine, Sorbitol, Fragrance, Imidazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Propylparaben. So many placebos for such a tiny jar of wax. I've seen curries that don't have as many ingredients! Also, my Periodic Table doesn't list most of these weird radioactive elements. (Why is elemental sulfur in my hair goo?) Who shall accept my challenge to set that list to music? -- K. Especially to the tune of the "Captain Scarlet" song? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update 2004-11-19 Date: Fri, 19 Nov 2004 14:06:02 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So many placebos for such a tiny jar of wax. I've seen curries that > > don't have as many ingredients! > > Wouldn't a wax with less ingredients be cheaper? Did you let the lady > at the Lanc™me counter hypnotize you? No, because I buy the stuff at a discount over at Sally Beauty Supply because I have a green Beauty Club Member card for my wallet (except I don't have a wallet) because I am a beautiful person. And as I've said before, I never, ever buy hair care gunk at the drugstore (that stuff costs more and doesn't work as well) so of course I'm never going to go near the stupid overpriced girly Lanc™me counter at whatever sort of store might have one. In fact, I don't even know which letter in L‰ncome wears the little asshat mark. I use this particular product on my hair after bleaching and dyeing because I damage my hair pretty badly what with all the bleaching and then a lot of washing in hot water (hot water damages hair, but it helps me wash out any loose dye that's ready to wash out.) It's basically the heaviest hair conditioner I've seen. It's just one of the reasons my hair is better than yours. The only downside is that it only comes in artificial coconut scent. I'd prefer razzleberry or better yet, blue razzleberry, but the coconut scent is strong enough that I can't just go over to the art-supply store and buy a vial of candle wax scent and mix it in, so I have to put up with my hair smelling like a Little Debbie product for two minutes before I rinse this stuff out. It has the texture of cake frosting, but instead it smells like something they'd coat a Little Debbie snack hexagon with. Which I guess is appropriate, given how those things are covered in some sort of wax. -- K. Also, she's really a million years old, just like everything she sells. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: spatula news Date: Fri, 19 Nov 2004 14:59:03 -0500 Hmm, I think I should tell my clipping service to start getting me all news stories containing the word "spatula", because spatulas are funny. [from www.cnn.com] -> -> Not guilty plea in fake plastic surgeon case -> -> One man says he woke up from procedure with female breasts -> -> (CNN) -- Lawyers for a man accused of pretending to be a plastic -> surgeon and disfiguring patients filed a written not guilty plea -> Friday in a Miami Circuit Court. -> -> In 1999, several patients accused Reinaldo Silvestre, 64, of -> severely bungling cosmetic surgeries. -> -> According to Miami Beach Police, Silvestre, who was not licensed -> to practice medicine, was posing as a plastic surgeon and had -> little medical training. -> -> Police allege Silvestre gave patients animal tranquilizers instead -> of anesthesia and operated with nonsurgical instruments, such as a -> spatula. This is the inevitable point in the article where I know the article would have been much more interesting if the reporter had stopped to ask the obvious question: Which body part goes with a spatula? I want to know more about spatula-related elective surgery. -> One patient of his -- a former Mr. Mexico named Alexander Baez -- -> claimed that instead of the more muscular chest he wanted, he was -> given breast implants. -> -> "When Mr. Baez finally woke up from this procedure he had two full -> female breasts and had to walk around like that for several months -> until the female breasts could be removed," Baez's attorney, -> Spencer Aronfeld, told CNN. I think I'd make a better fake plastic surgeon than this guy, because if someone paid me for a muscle implant, I'd put in a couple of chicken breasts. Hey, there's a good use for the spatula! Brown them in a pan to sterilize them, then flip them directly into the patient's chest cavity. -> An arrest warrant was issued for Silvestre, who fled the country, -> police said. -> -> He was arrested and extradited from Belize last month by the State -> Department's Bureau of Diplomatic Security, they said. -> -> Investigators said a tip led them to Silvestre, who was teaching -> classes to medical students at a university, they said. Never mind that. When do we get to see photos of the freaks he's created? -- K. And what type of spatula was it? I need to know before I go shopping. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: stinky gas permeates stinky city Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 13:55:05 -0500 [from the Boston Globe, www.boston.com] -> -> Invisible stench cloud perplexes officials -> November 19, 2004 -> -> PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- An olfactory offense sent officials sniffing -> for the source of a stench that wafted across Philadelphia. Dude, Society Hill always smells like 200-year-old horse turds. -> A mysterious invisible cloud carried an odor that left sour faces -> and perplexed officials in its wake Thursday. On the other hand, if it had been a highly visible stench cloud, it wouldn't have been a tenth as scary, no? -> Emergency dispatchers began receiving the first of hundreds of 911 -> calls about the strong smell shortly past 2 p.m., first from the -> southern tip of South Philadelphia, then further north as the -> scent drifted on the wind. -> -> Transit officials, fearful of a gas leak, evacuated a subway line -> in South Philadelphia for about 45 minutes. -> -> Some people said it smelled like propane. Others said it smelled -> more like sulfur. ...as if most people have any clue what sulfur actually smells like. Hey, remember the list of ingredients for my hair conditioner? The list I posted two days ago? The list which contained "sulfur"? Now I know -- sulfur smells like coconut! -> Authorities collected air samples, phoned nearby refineries and -> checked the pressure of natural gas lines, trying to determine if -> there had been an industrial mishap. Or perhaps an industrial boo-boo, or the dreaded industrial oops. -> "We don't know what it is. But we've gathered enough samples to -> know that it's not toxic. It's just offensive," said mayoral -> spokeswoman Barbara Grant. I can't wait for them to put these samples on display over at the Mutter Museum right next to all those two-headed baby skeletons and The World's Largest Human Colon (and no, it's not Geraldo Rivera.) -> A police spokesman said authorities were checking out theories -> that the odor came from dust released as a substance was -> transferred between two train cars, or that it may have originated -> at a refinery in Paulsboro, N.J.Ê New bumper sticker: "New Jersey -- where smells are born." -- K. Never mind how it smelled, what sound did the cloud make? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beer. Washington. Hilton. Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 14:26:22 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Come on, there MUST be more kibologers within drinking distance > of Washington DC who can attend an impromptu ARKPLE at Teh Hilton > some time between the 5th and 8th of December. > > The name of the hotel's got a pathetic giant H in it and > EVERYTHING. > > Or do you all secretly hate me? Sadly, I already have something on my calendar for those dates. But in order to not disappoint you, I'll just play along and say, yes, I secretly hate you. -- K. Ssh! It's a secret! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Welcome to Lake Barf, in a self-referential article which mentions Magnus Scheving for no reason whatsoever, but then makes up a silly reason Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 15:12:58 -0500 [from The New York Times, www.nytimes.com] -> -> What's the Name of That Lake? It's Hard to Say -> -> By PAM BELLUCK -> November 20, 2004 -> -> LAKE CHARGOGGAGOGGMANCHAUGGAGOGGCHAUBUNAGUNGAMAUGG, Mass. -- -> It is spelled just the way it sounds. ...by simply vomiting onto a keyboard. Hey, wait, I think I recognize that DNA sequence. Is it a nematode? -> Unless you spell it differently, like in the sign put up by the -> chamber of commerce at the southern end of town, which has an O -> for one of the U's and an H for one of the N's. I'll sell them a "U" for 10% less than Pat Sajak's evil prices. -> Or the postcards at Waterfront Mary's, the lake's best-known -> restaurant, which have smuggled an extra "gaug" into the name. They'd never be able to get away with that here in Gaugboston. Or would it be Bogaugston? Hmm. What other place names _could_ you sneak an extra "gaug" into? I'm going to start digging Lake Gauggauggaugandmoregaug just to make that possible. -> Even for the locals, this sprawling central Massachusetts -> lake with the even more sprawling name, Lake -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg -- the longest -> place name in the country -- is not for the tied of tongue. What about people who have tongue piercings? And what about people who have their tongue piercings tied to, say, a Bumble Ball? -> Gone are the years when Ethel Merman and Ray Bolger made it a name -> you could dance to in a tune called "The Lake Song": -> -> Oh, we took a walk one evening and we sat down on a log -> -> By Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. -> -> There, we told love's old sweet story and we listened to a frog -> -> In Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. I always get Ethel Merman confused with Shelly Winters, and Ray Bolger confused with Bert Lahr, so if Ethel Merman married Ray Bolger, would I confuse their son with Charles Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg or with Potsie from "Happy Days"? [I took out several hyphens from those lyrics, since the newspaper has columns only a third as wide as the name of Lake Upchuck.] -> Or the time, in 1949, when the state, on a lexicographical mercy -> mission, wanted to remove two of the lake's 15 G's, prompting a -> poet named Bertha A. Joslin to write "Touch not a G of our big -> lake!" followed by 55 lines of iambic tetrameter like: -> -> Now puffed up with our pride were we -> -> As if a pedestal ascending -> -> We basked in fame of such a name -> -> With all its g's unending Maybe they should rename the lake to have the entire awful poem _be_ the name of the lake. It would be self-referentially stupid, the best type of stupid there is. This sentence wishes it were that stupid. This sentence calls that sentence merely silly and gives it a wedgie. This sentence apologizes for the following sentence, which is not even a sentence: Gaug gaug gaug splat! -> These days, as often as not, lots of people here call the lake -> Webster, after the infinitely more prosaic name of the town that -> encompasses it. -> -> "I can't spell it, but that's off the record," said Bob Craver, -> the 52-year-old town clerk of Webster, whose family has owned -> homes on the lake for generations and who rows each morning, even -> in blizzards. -> -> Jane Hill, vice president of the Webster Lake Association, a -> recently formed group of some 400 lake homeowners, rankled some -> folks by spelling the C-word on the club's logo, T-shirts and -> jackets with 49 letters -- instead of 45. -> -> "I've tried a few different spellings and every time, someone -> tells me I spell it wrong," Ms. Hill said. "So now I just have the -> official Jane Hill spelling." -> -> There is more consensus on the meaning of -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, but it turns out -> the consensus is wrong. Rule #1 of life in these United States: If you ever get a consensus, it's wrong. If it's not important enough to disagree about, it sucks! -> In the 1920's, a reporter for The Webster Times, Lawrence J. Daly, -> wrote that it was a Nipmuck Indian word meaning "You fish on your side, -> I fish on my side and nobody fishes in the middle." That stuck even -> though Mr. Daly confessed repeatedly that he had made the whole thing up. Especially the second sentence, which explains whose side is on the bottom. -> The real meaning, said Paul Macek, a historian in Webster, a -> community of about 17,000 just northwest of where Connecticut, -> Rhode Island and Massachusetts intersect, is "English knifemen and -> Nipmuck Indians at the boundary or neutral fishing place." -> -> But today, a boat ride across the slate blue water makes one thing -> clear: this is no longer your English knifeman's Lake -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. Knifeman... knifeman... hmm. I wonder how a knifeman would dress. A suit of armor with pointy things all over? Maybe I should be a knifeman so I can go visit the lake without being confused with Jules Bourglay. You know, I've always wanted to invent a gas that would cause people to confuse Jules Bourglay with Magnus Scheving, just because I need to be the first one find a way to mention Jules Bourglay and Magnus Scheving in the same sentence. YAY THAT SENTENCE WAS SUFFICIENTLY SELF-REFERENTIAL AND STUPID! -> [...] -> -> Still, not everything is changing. Everyone knows a Webster Lake -> will never have the je ne sais quoi (or the je ne peux pas le -> prononcer) of a Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. -> -> "There's some things in life that ought to be able to live in -> exaggeration," Mr. Cazeault said. I've said that A MILLION TIMES! -> There is even talk here of trying to get into the Guinness Book of -> World Records, but there is no category yet for longest lake name, -> said Sam Knights, a spokesman for Guinness World Records. Is there a category for World's Smallest Lake? If so, then I have the winner in both categories right here in the form of WetLittlePuddleAtTheBottomOfMyBathtubWhichIReallyShouldCleanBecause- There'sARingAroundTheBathtubHighAboveThisPatheticLittleLakeAndAlso- ThisWimpyLittleLakeHasANameMoreThanAMillionTimesLongerThan- LakeChargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamauggWhichProbably- Doesn'tEvenReallyExistOhAndAlsoLet'sThrowInSomeWelshDoubleL's- IntoThisNameRememberHowDougLlewellynUsedToBeTheAnnouncerOnThePeople'sCourt- TakeThatLlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-Llantysiliogogogoch- IWinIWinIWin!!! -> There is a longest place name and, alas, it is someplace else. The -> honor goes to what the Guinness people call the "most scholarly -> transliteration" of the official name for Bangkok: -> krungthephphramahanakhon bowonratanakosin mahintharayuthaya -> mahadilokphiphobnovpharad radchataniburirom udomsantisug. Eh, I've seen bathroom graffiti longer than that. -> Now that would have made a catchy Ethel Merman song. The movie "Ethel Does Bangkok", the first porn movie people ever paid not to see. -- K. You know, "Monty Python's Flying Circus" really wasn't that hard to write for.