From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: There should be more news stories that make everyone in the world scream "BULLSHIT!" Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 03:45:51 -0500 [www.newscientist.com] -> -> Sleepwalking woman had sex with strangers -> -> 15:46 15 October 04 -> NewScientist.com news service -> -> Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a -> woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking. -> -> The behaviour had disrupted the lives of the woman and her -> partner. At night while asleep, the middle-aged sleepwalker -- who -> lives in Australia and cannot be identified for reasons of -> confidentiality -- left her house and had sexual intercourse with -> strangers. The behaviour continued for several months and the -> woman had no memory of her nocturnal activities. -> -> Circumstantial evidence, such as condoms found scattered around -> the house, alerted the couple to the problem. On one occasion, her -> partner awoke to find her missing, went searching for her and -> found her engaged in the sex act. -> -> "Incredulity is the leading player in cases like this," says Peter -> Buchanan, the sleep physician at the Woolcock Institute of Medical -> Research in Sydney, who handled the case. But a combination of -> factors convinced him that the case was a real sleepwalking -> phenomenon, including the distress of the couple, and an in-depth -> clinical evaluation. Yes, sleepwalking is the only possible explanation for why a woman would go have sex with people and then not tell her husband. The only other explanation could be that she was abducted by aliens, but they never use condoms. Only sleepwalking slutty women go to the drugstore and buy condoms before phoning strangers to come over and have sex. -> Sleep talking -> -> During that evaluation, the patient was assessed by psychiatrists, -> and checked for physical problems such as brain tumours, which may -> cause unusual behaviour. Neither of those examinations could find -> a cause. -> -> However, she was found to have a history of talking in her sleep -> as a teenager and when monitored in the sleep laboratory, she was -> found to have a higher number of arousals from deep sleep than is -> usual. Both of these factors might indicate a susceptibility to -> abnormal sleep behaviour. -> -> However, Roger Allen, a sleep specialist in private practice in -> Brisbane is sceptical. "Sex is a primal behaviour so it's not -> impossible -- men have erections in their sleep after all -- Hey, Dr. Genius, I defy you to name one time when men _don't_ randomly have erections. -> but this case involved such complex behaviour it seems less likely." -> He also points out that eliminating psychiatric conditions as a -> cause of the behaviour would be difficult. -> -> Sleep driving -> -> But there are some extraordinary cases of sleep walkers leaving -> their homes, driving cars, or engaging in behaviours that they -> would not usually. In 1987, Ken Parks, drove 23 kilometres from -> his home in Pickering, Ontario, to his in-laws house, where he -> strangled his father-in-law unconscious, and stabbed his -> mother-in-law to death. He was acquitted of murder because he was -> sleepwalking at the time. If I were the judge, I would have sent him to jail anyway because obviously he wouldn't remember the verdict when he woke up. -> "People in a state of automatism don't have access to their full -> range of beliefs and desires, so it seems justifiable to excuse -> them," says Neil Levy of the Centre for Applied Philosophy and -> Public Ethics at the University of Melbourne. -> -> Sleepwalking is often triggered by stress, and this may have been -> the case with the Sydney woman, says Buchanan. She stopped her -> night-time excursions after psychiatric counselling. Drugs such as -> benzodiazepines, which are sometimes used to treat sleep walkers, -> were not necessary. -> -> Any type of sleepwalking is rare. It occurs in around 3% of -> children and young adolescents, and about 0.5% of adults. Usually -> it involves little more than walking around in a fairly purposeful -> way while asleep, although sleepwalkers may lash out if awoken. Still, 0.5% is far higher than the incidence of married people who lie about having affairs. Scientists cannot prove that even one person has had recreational sex! (That's what makes them scientists!) -> The results were presented at a sleep conference in Sydney on -> Friday. -> -> Rachel Nowak, Melbourne Hi, Rachel. I am writing these comments while I am asleep. Also I am having sex with several beautiful movie stars, including that chick from that James Bond movie, and also one of the James Bonds, and not the one with the cat-hair toupee. -- K. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: There should be more news stories that make everyone in the world scream "BULLSHIT!" Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:33:06 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I know this guy who got dead-drunk at someone's house and pissed on the > > dude's parents stereo system. They told him they were going to give him a > > ride home and drove him to the edge of a town twenty miles away and threw > > him in a ditch. He woke up in jail. > > I just LOVE these Christmas specials sponsored by Hallmark! Kevin, if you ever want us to respect you, you might want to consider butching it up a little. -- K. It's okay to piss on a stereo system, but only when "Jingle Bell Rock" is playing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 17:03:05 -0500 I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all those years when it was time for him to go. Do you guys like Pat Sajak? -- K. Arthur C. Clarke? Gary Coleman? Johnny Hart? Cher? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:28:57 -0500 Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.THIS.netcom.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > Perhaps, then, it's time to call for his supernatural death, too. Yesssssss! That would be most... eeeeeevil. LET'S DO IT. We could zombify his corpse so that we could kill him over and over. I call dibs on putting a stake through his heart -- one of you guys can have Bob Hope's crotch. -- K. Don't you hate it when your dashes line up? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:03:28 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > > > Do you guys like Pat Sajak? > > Er, he's not old and lingering, is he? He will be. I'm planning ahead for the day when Pat Sajak is a hundred and fifty and still hosting that stupid show where people try to figure out what letters Vanna White is pushing little buttons next to in phrases like "MICHA_L AND J_SS_ JACKSON". -- K. Now, if _they_ died the same day because of that "SAME NAME" puzzle, that might grant Pat Sajak a reprieve... I'm not sure what Bob Barker would have to do, though. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 22:38:39 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > > > Do you guys like Pat Sajak? > > It's not clearly his time to go yet. Okay, that makes it official, Pat Sajak's the one I'm rooting for. Because someone has to! And it wouldn't be any fun unless someone didn't want Pat Sajak to slip and fall into that big wheel that awards prizes as it grinds bodies into White Castle-quality hamburger! > (His hair, in a perfect plastic trifecta, seems to have already > given up the ghost.) I think "three equal Frisbees" was how Zippy The Pinhead described Pat Sajak's hair. I would say that hair is the answer to the riddle "What has two parts but is in three parts?" > > -- K. > > Arthur C. Clarke? > > Gary Coleman? > > Mmm, no. And I think no. Will Wheaton's more annoying than Gary, right? TV's heterosexual Wil Wheaton is not annoying, and if it weren't for him "Star Trek" would be over forever, because without his character the Enterprise would have been destroyed in episodes #1, #3, #4, #9, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16 (part 1), #16 (part 2), #19, #21, #22, #24, and #27 through #91. You're just jealous because his blog has more naked photos of Diana Muldaur than yours does. -- K. ...something something something DINK EXTRACT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lava lamp go boom Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:10:03 -0500 [from edition.cnn.com] -> -> Lava lamp left on hot stovetop explodes, killing man -> -> KENT, Washington (AP) -- A man who placed a lava lamp on a hot -> stovetop was killed when it exploded and sent a shard of glass -> into his heart, police said. -> -> Philip Quinn, 24, was found dead in his trailer home Sunday night -> by his parents. -> -> "Why on earth he was heating a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," -> Kent Police spokesman Paul Petersen said Monday. He probably wanted it to go faster. I hear that if you use a blowtorch you can get the lava to go up and down so fast it makes the world's most psychedelic sonic boom. Either that or he was cooking it for dinner. -> After the lamp exploded, Quinn apparently stumbled into his bedroom, -> where he died Sunday afternoon, authorities said. -> -> Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use. Lava lamps are now _not_ evidence of drug use? Also, dear reporter person, why haven't you told us what color it was? This is important. If it was one of the ones with black lava in it, he must've been a Satan worshipper, which would mean that video games caused this tragedy. On the other hand, if it was red lava, then he was just a moron. -- K. How come they never had lava lamps on "The Flintstones"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo "Kevins" (was Re: Steak Dinner) Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:24:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) writes: > > > > You ask to much of someone unable to navigate a web site. > ^^ > > Flame. Flame! Flameflame. Little troll. Some snarliness. More > flame. Bitchy argument liberally sprinkled with the terms "grammar > whore", "spelling Nazi" and "bored hausfrau". Complaint about where I put > my punctuation. I suggest better storage location for punctuation. Hurt > feelings. Tears shed. I remember when Mark-Jason Dominus did that. Actually, it wasn't a shed, it was the RPI Union building, and he didn't just tear it, he cut it all the way in half. Most of it's still there if you want to go look because I know you don't believe me but he did. It was the same day he ate that old bowling ball to get into the Local Guinness Book, before the phone company stopped publishing that edition. -- K. I would've put the line breaks after "snarliness" and "terms" to make them more natural. You shouldn't put one in the middle of a two-word quoted phrase. That's like hyphenating a two-letter word. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:39:44 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > Before I read this posting I only thought that a vegan was a person from > > Vega, but now I've found that vegan also means that you are a vegetarian. > > I'm one but I eat fish from unpolluted water. > > I'm a vegan, too, except I eat meat. That's exactly how I feel, because of my whole problem with cheese making me ill. Often I buy frozen vegan food and then I add bacon, plus a whole bunch of hot sauce because vegan food never has enough flavor. A lot of people can't remember my food sensitivity and keep trying to feed me stuff with cheese in it. To help them understand, I typically glower at them and say "Pretend I'm kosher and all I have is a fleischig plate," and that usually shuts them up especially because of the way I pronounce the "g" in "fleischig". -- K. I only eat fish in rectangular, triangular, or circular form, never icky asymmetrical fish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 14:31:48 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > It is.With butter and brown sugar,slightly stirred and not shaken. > > > > Look, Evil Terri Twin, you KNOW you're only allowed to talk about icky > > icky foods on ARK, because when you talk about yummy butter and yummy > > brown sugar, you make Baby Dieting Stacia [tm] cry. > > Whoops.The problem is,I post icky food lists and Kibo drools because he's > weird and likes those foods,but it makes you happy. Kibo is in charge > of the death ray,all the icky foods are willed to him,I die,he's happy. > You're happy because your diet worked,but I'm dead and cannot appreciate > your svelte self when it appears on the Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated. > > Watch: > > Okra > Liver > Fake orange dye in cans of Spaghetti O's > Grits > Anchovy paste > Red lentils > Grits Okra and red lentils are two great tastes that go great together. The others, you can stir 'em into a big wad and flush them down my BRAND NEW TOILETS that were just installed an hour ago while I was pretending to be asleep. Anyone want some slightly used toilets? -- K. Mmm, red okra lentils. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 19:12:13 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > KAZAAM! Duplex New Kontext-Away With Fast Inaction swoops in, does more somersaults than Magnus Scheving trapped in a washing machine, eats all the candy in LazyTown, farts twice, and then... it snips! > [...] > > I'm reasonably sure I have never told anyone on ARK how to eat > their oatmeal. PHARLAP! User-Extensible New Kontext-Away With Invisible Sprinkles folds itself up like a Rand McNally brand hexaflexagon, then spindles and mutilates itself in order to fit back in its original protective plastic Faberge' egg! Dear Stacia, I agree, we probably don't know any of the people who you've been making lick oatmeal off your boots while you hold the riding crop. Could you get those people to post to a.r.k so that we could ask them whether you've actually been doing this? -- K. I think, in "Kontext-Away: The Movie", Adam West should play Kontext-Away because he's good at onomatopoeia. Speaking of movies that go "THUD!", today I found the intersection the gay Martians are going to blow up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Thu, 02 Dec 2004 06:54:36 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's exactly how I feel, because of my whole problem with cheese > > making me ill. > > Is it just cheese or all dairy products? Cause you know if > it's all dairy products you're lactose intolerant and > there are pills... > > I'm just saying. The reason I spelled "cheese" as "c-h-e-e-s-e" and not as "a-l-l-d-a-i-r-y-p-r-o-d-u-c-t-s" is that I react violently to cheese. I am somewhat lactose intolerant, but I enjoy lots of stuff with dairy in it anyway. But the moment it's cheesified, it becomes something I can't handle at all. Barf city. And I don't think I have to tell you I hate barfing. I detest the taste (and smell) of cheese too, probably from a lifetime of aversive conditioning -- the taste alone is enough to make me gag. I don't like cheese, I've never liked cheese, and I don't need Lactaid pills because I don't even want to like cheese. Dairy products I enjoy include chowders, cream sauces, pudding, milkshakes, and ice cream. Because I'm lactose intolerant, I can't consume a huge amount of dairy without feeling mildly ill -- a couple glasses of milk are okay, but three would be pushing it -- but I still refuse to buy lactose-reduced stuff (i.e. "ice milk" instead of real ice cream) because it doesn't taste good. -- K. You can have all my cheese. In exchange, I'll just take all that spare money you have in your wallet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 13:19:05 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, > while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. > > --655616-763037168-1102134935=:12770 > Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=ISO-8859-1; format=flowed > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Jeremy? Jeremy? Hello? Hello? Please take your MIME and lock him back in his invisible box. Thank you. Thank you. > Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Try jalepe–os stuffed with peanut butter. Yum! > > Hmm. So, take a caustic substance, chew it up so that all the capciacin > is freed, but mix it in with a virtual cement so that it gets caught in > every cavity in your mouth. If you want a _caustic_ substance, you'll have to eat unfinished lutefisk or something. Jalape–os are usually _acid_, which is the opposite of caustic as any first-year student taking the required Chemistry Of Junk Food course can tell you. Capsaicin isn't water-soluble (this is why you shouldn't drink water if your mouth is burning), it's oil-soluble, which is why it blends so well with peanut butter. Have some bread or rice or something afterwards to scrape both off the inside of your mouth. > One of the funniest things I've ever seen was the day I gave my old dog a > spoonful of peanut butter. It would probably count as abuse if I had put > a jalapeno (or worse) in it. Dogs aren't sensitive to the taste of hot pepper. It is used in dog-repellent spray (intended to be shot into their eyes) and it apparently lowers dogs' blood pressure when ingested, but I'm told they don't taste it. Dogs don't know it's not cold pepper! Hot pepper and peanut butter go together beautifully, almost as beautifully as bacon and everything. Bacon goes with everything. Hot pepper goes with almost everything (a glass of orange juice may not go with hot pepper depending on what order you consume the two of them.) > -- > > Jeremy Impson > jdimpson can be contacted at acm dot org > http://impson.tzo.com/~jdimpson > --655616-763037168-1102134935=:12770-- Yeah, well, you're 655616's 12770 isn't 31337 enough. -- K. Here, have this hot pepper: Content-Type: BITE/THIS; ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Thu, 02 Dec 2004 02:34:40 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > > > Before I read this posting I only thought that a vegan was a > > > person from Vega, but [...] > > > > [...] To help them understand, I typically glower at them and say > > "Pretend I'm kosher and all I have is a fleischig plate," and that > > usually shuts them up especially because of the way I pronounce > > the "g" in "fleischig". > > JW Thanks for making us understand what you do when you do it. You're welcome, and by the way, I am from Vega. -- K. The "g" in "Vega" is pronounced like the "g" in "fleischig", and the "v" is pronounced like the "v" in "fleischig". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: new psychiatric disorders, just in time for the holidays Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 01:49:35 -0500 (Bear with me, it takes a little while before this reporter meanders into the part I found slightly interesting.) [from www.goupstate.com] -> -> Sorry. Your Eating Disorder Doesn't Meet Our Criteria. -> -> By Robin Marantz Henig -> New York Times -> -> Imagine a 20-year-old woman who refuses to eat anything except -> carrots and toast because she is afraid of gaining weight, even -> though she is 5-foot-8 and weighs only 99 pounds. [...] -> -> Another woman, who is also 20 and also 5-foot-8, has an opposite -> eating pattern. She goes without eating all day, and starting at 6 -> p.m. she eats nonstop, whatever she can get her hands on. [...] -> -> But psychiatrists would say that neither one falls into the strict -> definition of anorexia nervosa, the most severe eating disorder, -> or its relative, bulimia nervosa. According to the bible of -> psychiatric diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association's -> Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, anorexia must be accompanied by -> cessation of menstrual periods for at least three months in a row, -> and bulimia must involve vomiting or other forms of purging at -> least two times a week, on average. -> -> Instead these women, and thousands like them, would fall into a -> category that doctors have been relying on for years, a vague -> nondiagnosis known by the acronym Ednos: eating disorder not -> otherwise specified. I propose a better acronym, "Unidentified Food Obsession". -> Diagnosing psychiatric conditions is more of an art than a -> science, and the Not Otherwise Specified label reflects the -> imprecision of that art. The American Psychiatric Association's -> manual has a Not Otherwise Specified category for many disorders, -> whenever symptoms are so vague, so mild or so untreatable that it -> doesn't seem to warrant the full-fledged diagnosis. With the -> manual continually under revision, the Not Otherwise Specified -> grab bag is the place where new diagnoses emerge. -> -> For instance, the diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, a variant of -> autism, was pulled from a collection of disorders previously -> labeled Pervasive Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Oh, so that's what "perv" is short for. -> [...] -> -> As Dr. First sees it, several criteria must be met before a -> diagnosis is pulled out of the Not Otherwise Specified category -> and into a stand-alone diagnosis. These criteria have to be met -> before binge eating disorder, purging disorder or any other -> condition emerges out of the Ednos grab bag. -> -> The first requirement is that a significant number of patients -> must be affected, he said. Second, there has to be evidence of an -> existing and effective treatment. -> -> The criterion of an effective treatment has prevented many -> conditions from being entered in the Diagnostic and Statistical -> Manual. In the 1980's, there was an effort to include "sadistic -> personality disorder." But it failed, said Dr. First, because no -> treatment existed. "We could have decided to call something -> sadistic personality disorder," he said, "but if there's no -> treatment, what would be the point?" Then he started begging, "PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO EVER AGAIN TELL A SADIST I THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM!" and curled up into a fetal position under his desk, sobbing loudly. -> The third criterion for removing a condition from the Not -> Otherwise Specified category is the trickiest to meet. It relates -> to a kind of diagnosis-creep. What's the difference between a sadistic psychiatrist and a diagnosis creep? Newer magazines! Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Bring me the head of Jerry Seinfeld! -> Experts working on Diagnostic and Statistical Manual panels must -> ask how close the condition is to behavior that could be considered -> normal. For binge eating disorder, for instance, they must ask: -> When is such behavior a true psychiatric condition, and when is it -> the kind of thing that almost everyone engages in every Thanksgiving? And curiously, Thanksgiving Disorder strikes Americans and Canadians on different days, but French people are immune. Also, Thanksgiving just wouldn't be the same without at least one sadist at your family table. -> "This is the matter of what we call false positives," Dr. First -> said. "It's the danger of defining as a psychiatric syndrome a set -> of symptoms that normal people have." You know, some people are just too normal to be interesting at all. These boring people should be categorized as having Normal Disorder, also known as Insipid Personality Disorder. -> When a new category is created in the manual, he said, "you're -> trying to identify a category that will help patients get -> treatment." -> -> "But," he continued, "you're worried that this category is going -> to be applied to normal people as well." -> -> Some psychiatrists want to create a different label for Ednos, -> calling it instead "mixed eating disorder" or "atypical eating -> disorder." But Dr. Walsh of Columbia said that would be merely a -> cosmetic change. I think those names sound like something Beldar Conehead would say when trying to be politically correct in outer space. "Now let us indulge in atypical eating of mass quantities of proto-caps! All hail alien overlord Ednos!" -> "If I'm a clinician and I get a call from a school saying, 'Hey, -> I've got a person with mixed eating disorder coming over,' I don't -> know if I'm going to be seeing someone who weighs 80 pounds or 280 -> pounds," he said. If it's "mixed eating disorder", then maybe the left side of their body weighs 40 pounds and the right side weighs 280 pounds. -> "The whole belief that diagnoses are useful things rests on their -> ability to put together under one umbrella a relatively homogeneous -> set of syndromes, which gives the clinician the ability to shortcut -> a full assessment." No, it's barbers who go around shortcutting people. -> Diagnostic labels, said Dr. Walsh, "allow big shortcuts." I'm sorry, the phrase "big shortcuts" makes me think it's a 1980s synonym for "Hammer pants", and that mental image isn't even legit enough to quit. -> Dr. Keel, on the other hand, prefers the term "mixed eating -> disorder" over Ednos. She said the mixed eating disorder label -> "may have the benefit of eliminating the false impression that -> Ednos is somehow less severe or less clinically significant than -> so-called full-threshold eating disorders." But she expressed -> concern that the term would limit the enthusiasm for teasing out -> what other identifiable conditions lie within the Ednos category. No, it's sadists who go around teasing out -- oh, hell with it, this article isn't even worth mocking. Quick, bring me the next Archimedes Plutonium. -> As experts debate what to do about Ednos - pull out distinct -> disorders from the grab bag category, change the diagnostic -> criteria for the existing disorder, give the grab bag a more -> scientific-sounding name - people with disordered eating are left -> in a kind of therapeutic limbo. MORE SCIENTIFIC-SOUNDING NAMES FOR THE GRAB BAG ----------------------------------------------- Grab Bag Of Science Grabbus Baggus Grab Membrane Grab Times Ten To The Bag The Obvious Bag The Obvious Only To Geniuses Bag Albert Bag -> Eventually, the hope is, the uncertainties will be resolved, and -> the woman with anorexia who still menstruates and the woman with -> bulimia who only purges once a week, will be able to get the -> diagnosis and treatment that they need. The psychiatrists of the world would rather make up hundreds of new diagnostic categories than deal with even one sadist. -- K. If I ever see a psychiatrist, I promise to bring along a paintball gun so I can "fix" the famous blank Rorshach card. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: new psychiatric disorders, just in time for the holidays Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 13:34:01 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Apparently sadists, skinny people and fat people are all targets for > > psychotherapists. It's handy that 99.44% of humanity falls into one of > > those three important psychological categories. > > Four. > > Or is the fourth a subset of the first? Is there a reason you would compare sadists to psychotherapists? How do you feel about this question? > I am neither skinny nor fat. You have Disorder Denial Disorder. Fortunately, there's a treatment for that. Give me your wallet while I make something up. -- K. If only .56% of people are masochists, how do you explain the high ratings of "American Idol"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Germans think they're well-hung -- but they're not Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 13:15:27 -0500 [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Germans think they're well-hung -- but they're not Everybody knows that, ever since at the end of World War II president Truman forced Hitler to admit he only had one ball, and that one was very small. Then Truman used his giant American penis to pole-vault himself out of his wheelchair onto Marlene Dietrich. -> BERLIN (Reuters) -- Most German men wear condoms of the wrong size, -> a condom distributor has said, after asking more than 2,500 men to -> measure their erect penis. Chris Elliott is selling condoms in Germany? -> "People measure their feet when they buy shoes. Why shouldn't they -> measure their penises? A man would not wear children's shoes," -> said Jan Vinzenz Krause of Vinico, which released the study's -> findings on World AIDS Day. -> -> Most condom boxes in Germany indicated size but men, due to -> embarrassment or vanity, rarely checked or just bought those -> marked "extra large", he said on Wednesday. In the U.S., size isn't usually marked (especially on the condoms you can get for free in bars, etc.) There are a couple brands that have a larger option, and one brand has a "snug fit" version that gets way too many product placements from the producers of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" hiding them under straight people's sofa cushions right before the cameras roll. -> Vinico's survey recommended various brands to be used -- -> depending on the endowment of the wearer. -> -> The study found the average erect penis size was 14.7 cm -> (5-3/4 inches), with 40 percent of participants reporting lengths -> between 12 and 15 cm (4-3/4 and 5-7/8 inches). Would "HAW HAW!" be an adequate response here? It's only two words, and I'm never that short. -> When compared with the condoms normally used by the participants, -> the results showed only 18 percent wore the right size, with -> nearly half squeezing into condoms that were too small and 34 -> percent trying to use those that were too big. Um, ones that are too big are a problem (or so I've heard) but there are legitimate reasons for using ones that are a little "too small". -- K. Then Truman said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Germans think they're well-hung -- but they're not Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 19:14:06 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "People measure their feet when they buy shoes. Why shouldn't they > > -> measure their penises? A man would not wear children's shoes," > > -> said Jan Vinzenz Krause of Vinico, which released the study's > > -> findings on World AIDS Day. > > A man should not wear children's condoms. Children's condoms > are STRICTLY FOR CHILDREN! Although chewable orthotricyclen is > still the most popular birth control for kids, and they're starting > production of the contraceptive sponge Bob, so really the children's > condom companies might as well start labeling some of them "snug fit" > or "comfort sized" or "judge me by my size do you" and marketing them > for adults. I mean, they're really the same thing. As I have often observed, in the world of candy bars, "fun size" means "75% less candy". So I predict that soon we'll see "fun size" condoms. In milk or dark. -- K. I swear that the first time I read this, it said "breath control for kids", and I don't care how much your kids want to dress up as Spider-Man, they gotta have some nose holes in that rubber mask even if the real Spider-Man's main super power is that he can hold his breath all day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's a pity this game was never released... Date: Wed, 01 Dec 2004 19:25:19 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I remember seeing an interview with Julian Rignall (formerly Jazza from > C+VG & Mean Machines magazines in England) of how he once worked on a game > for Virgin Interactive where you got to beat up a gimp. Why would you want to beat up a guy on crutches? Oh, wait, you must be one of those "Pulp Fiction" fans. I bet you do the Batusi while watching "Clutch Cargo" and listening to your reel-to-reel tape recorder with a cardiac needle in your chest while getting a foot massage. > The difference to most games is that the gimp liked being beat up and > started making "groans of pleasure" - for some reason it was decided that > the game was "too weird" to release on the Super Nintendo. I miss the days when video games were completely innocent and wholesome, like "Missile Command". BOOOOOOM!!!! -- K. Mmm, another hundred and fifty points' worth of thermonuclear Armageddon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's a pity this game was never released... Date: Thu, 02 Dec 2004 02:44:44 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I remember seeing an interview with Julian Rignall (formerly Jazza from > C+VG & Mean Machines magazines in England) of how he once worked on a game > for Virgin Interactive where you got to beat up a gimp. And then in response to this topic, "dammad1@webtv.net your eame" (dammad1@webtv.net) wrote: > > oran ge ct 60477 > > scnw etxt1950 receive > mail Dear Your Eame, I'm sorry, but S&M-themed video games are not compatible with your WebTV, even if you upgrade to one that has both halves of the keyboard. The game in question, "Thrill Kill", has highly specific system requirements which limit it to running on systems more powerful than your WebTV. I think it takes at least an Odyssey 2 or possibly a fully-wound-up Blip. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to research the following question: Is beating up a gimp the same as beating down a gimp? And can you beat down a gimp, or do you have to beat down off a duck? -- K. Go to your local toy store and ask for Blip Gimp. Be sure to get Blip Gimp and not Gip Blimp, which is a game about winning the world championship of Fat Football. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Game - Where's My Wallet Date: Fri, 03 Dec 2004 23:49:49 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Or Michael Moore dressed as Cinderella. > > For fuck's sake, Kibo, now I'm going to be daydreaming about this for > WEEKS. It's an early Hmas for me! Woo hoo! I hate to tell you this, but Ralph Nader is his fairy godmother. Also, at midnight, his carriage turns into Potsie. > > ["Fight Club": the videogame] > > > > I had seen a TV commercial for this months ago, but had for > > some reason forgotten about it. And now seeing it in the flesh > > made my blood percolate. I have to have it. I have to buy some > > sort of console so I can play it. > > Anyone want to set up a Paypal account to collect money for Kibo's Hmas > gift this year? He didn't appreciate the ancient Mayan yak hair condom > collection we got him last year. This year, let's get him something he > wants. I wanted to want the used condom, but I just couldn't, so instead I wanted to want to beat up William Shatner. And now I do. Yay! > > Yeah, I'd fight William Shatner. > > AGAIN with the daydreams. I swear that, the first time I saw "Fight Club", when whatshisname asked whatshisname what celebrity he most wanted to fight, I immediately thought "WILLIAM SHATNER!" before the guy said "William Shatner." However, the nice little burn scar on the back of my left hand has faded pretty much since I burned it on the oven several years ago. Yeah, before the movie was even made. Yeah, I accidentally burned the _back_ of my hand on the oven. It's surely a plausible story. -- K. I could fight Pat Sajak, but Shatner's hair is less scary. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Game - Where's My Wallet Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 18:43:36 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Anyone want to set up a Paypal account to collect money for Kibo's Hmas > > gift this year? He didn't appreciate the ancient Mayan yak hair condom > > collection we got him last year. This year, let's get him something he > > wants. > > Kibo wants the Disney Talking Princess Kitchen. Because it goes against the > 'Women can be strong' messages that said Disney movies put forth. Lots42 wants to have every one of his bones broken in three billion places. > Of course, most of the time it's 'Women can be strong while wearing very > revealing clothing' but still. You seem to know a lot about little girl movies. And I bet you like pink, too. Are you a Communist, pinko? -- K. Pink is for little girls and similar life forms, like French poodles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Game - Where's My Wallet Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 15:08:27 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [re "Fight Club": the videogame] > > > > > > I have to have it. I have to buy some > > > sort of console so I can play it. (Anyone know if the PS2 and > > > XBox versions have different numbers of levels or anything? > > > > If you also want to be able to play HALO, buy XWeetabix; if you also > > want to be able to play Final Fantasy The Series plus any game > > Playstation 1 ever had, buy a PSILUVU2. > > If you want to be able to play Katamari Damacy and other Japanese import > games that touch your brain where its bathing suit covers, buy a PS2. > > If you want to play ONLINE, buy an XBOX. It seems to be the console people > like to play online with. I didn't want to do any of that. I just wanted to play "Fight Club". But now I've gone to Amazon.com and read the customer reviews of both versions and apparently the game sucks dead donkeys through a straw, and seems to have really poor single-player value for $49.99, so now I don't care and I'm going back to playing my Atari 2600 games, nyah. -- K. A book is $6, a movie is $10, a DVD is $20, a videogame is $50, and a porn tape is $70. I think the book is the hands-down winner in fun per dollar. (Porn is really not fun if you watch it with your hands down.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Game - Where's My Wallet Date: Fri, 03 Dec 2004 23:53:53 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Fight Club": the videogame. For PlayStation 2 or XBox. > > > > [...] > > I'd hate to buy a console and find out I should have bought the > > other brand to find a secret mode where I could fight William Shatner > > or something.) > > [...] I know for a fact that there's a wrestling game out there where > you can wrestle as Andy Kaufman. What, it comes with a pair of lung unerwear to help hide the included roll of duct tape for your hoo-hoo-dilly? No thanks. However, if it was a game where you could enact Andy Kaufman's dream of him having a "joke-off" against Bob Hope (if Bob got more laughs, Andy would shave his head, but if Andy won, he'd be legally entitled to be called "Mr. Bob Hope" for a year) I'd sign up for a double helping of that tasty interactive morsel. -- Sincerely, Mr. Bob Hope ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Andy Kaufman (was: New Game - Where's My Wallet) Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 18:52:04 -0500 [on an exciting new imaginary Andy Kaufman videogame] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What, it comes with a pair of lung underwear to help hide the included > > roll of duct tape for your hoo-hoo-dilly? > > I need the U.N. translator, stat! The reason Andy Kaufman's act often consisted of him challenging women to wrestling matches was that he was a frotteur. He wore long underwear under his trunks to hide that his entire bathing-suit area was wrapped in duct tape to keep anyone from noticing his hoo-hoo-dilly, and to keep it from poking anyone's eye out. You see, it was all just a cover for perversion, like most other standup comedy acts. > > However, if it was a game where you could enact Andy Kaufman's dream > > of him having a "joke-off" against Bob Hope (if Bob got more laughs, > > Andy would shave his head, but if Andy won, he'd be legally entitled > > to be called "Mr. Bob Hope" for a year) > > This would have been a better idea back when neither Andy nor Bob were > zombie comics. Tell you what. I'll wrestle you, and when I win, I get to be called "Andy Kaufman as Mr. Bob Hope" for a year. If you win, which you won't, I'll have to be called "Mr. Bob Hope as Mr. Bob Hope" for a year, ecch. -- K. Bob Hope and President Ford both were born with the same first name -- "Leslie" -- but fortunately modern sex-change operations work wonders. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Picking on web comics Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 00:07:47 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I've seen the following a few times: Anime-type art that is utterly > fantastic. Well done humans, background, action, scenery. All a joy to > look at. Then the faces look as if someone was forced to draw them as\ > fast as possible, Welcome to my world. > under threat of torture. Hey, make some allowances. People can't draw all that well while being tortured. Plus their crayons tend to snap. -- K. My world is full of broken crayons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Wedgies in the news Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 14:35:40 -0500 [from the Yorkshire Post Today, www.yorkshiretoday.co.uk] -> -> Emergency operation after school prank -> -> Dave Mark -> -> A 10-year-old boy almost lost a testicle when schoolmates copied a -> prank they had seen on a cartoon and pulled his trousers up as far -> as they could go. -> -> Jack Watson had to have an emergency hour-long operation to -> reattach a testicle to the lining of his scrotum after friends -> gave him the excruciating "wedgie". -> -> The children involved admitted they copied the move from an -> episode of The Simpsons. You know, I thought our society outgrew its "Bart Simpson is the greatest threat to our cultural values!!!!!!!!!!" phase about ten years ago, before Beavis & Butthead were invented. And then from there the concerned parents of the world moved on to discovering that video games exist, and I hear that next they're going to notice that rap music has swears in it. Also, in every "Simpsons" episode I've seen involving wedgies -- such as the one where Milhouse has to go to the nurse ("I'll get my forceps") and the one where he moves to Capitol City and gives Bart a wedgie -- the writers and animators clearly demonstrated that they understand a wedgie is when you pull someone's _underpants_, not their _trousers_. If these kids don't even know how to give a proper wedgie, what sort of special school do they go to, The Institute For Wedgie-Impaired Morons? -> Now the victim's mother Lisa Watson, 36, said: "We want to -> highlight this can happen." -> -> Jack said: "It does still hurt, and I will definitely not be doing -> it to anyone again." -> -> Head at Thrunscoe Junior School, Grimsby, Bob Wynn added: "Having -> seen one of their own come off so badly, I do not think it is not -> going to be an issue for us anymore." And while he was saying "come off so badly", he was frantically flailing his arms and stomping his feet and holding up a sign that said "WINK WINK! NUDGE NUDGE!" and whistling "w-i-n-k-e-t-y-w-i-n-k-w-i-n-k" in Morse code. Oh, those wacky Yorkshites. -- K. As usual, the reporter failed to ask the most important question: Was it atomic? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wedgies in the news Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 20:31:36 -0500 [a brief field trip to Wedgietown, USA] Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Was it atomic? > > It was up his butt. Couldn't be! There were already two cucumbers and a pineapple there! Wait, wrong punchline. Um... can I use "So just eat around her!" somehow? -- K. Tomorrow I'm going to go look for gay Martians. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gay Martians (was: Wedgies in the news) Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 19:31:40 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tomorrow I'm going to > > go look for gay > > Martians. > > Try the martian in with a moustache in "Santa Claus Conquers the > Martians" who says "What is a Christmas?" and is really mean. No, because nobody's gayer than Santa Claus. I mean, come on. World's most flambouyant daddy bear. Who hangs around with squeaky-voiced elves. Okay, so maybe the elves are gayer than Santa Claus. But nobody's gayer than the elves. Except maybe Rudolph. But that's the end of the line. > Thanks. And thank you for fucking up my formatting as usual, you gay Martian. So anyway, Steven Spielberg's started hurriedly-shooting his oddly-not- huge-budgeted "War Of The Worlds" movie (it's a very brief shoot, I suspect the massive flop of "The Time Machine" a couple years ago had something to do with this) and some of the movie takes place in present-day Boston, but for budgetary reasons they're not actually shooting in Boston. A correspondent in Brooklyn described a local street that had been redressed (by the addition of a few fancy streetlights) to look like an intersection in Boston, and said they had put up street signs identifying the fake Boston streetcorner as where Waltham Street meets Bond Street. Well, Waltham Street is three blocks long, and Bond Street is one block long (and technically they don't quite intersect, due to the west end of Bond Street having a different name because the two halves are each one-way in opposite directions.) Today I walked around that area to see if I could figure out why Spielberg wanted to pretend Tom Cruise is fighting Martians in this specific location in Boston. Waltham Street and Bond Street are in a rather specific neighborhood in the South End. For the Martians to invade this part of the city, there can be only three reasons. (1) Maybe the Martians, with their weird three-eyed color vision, are mesmerized by rainbow flags. (2) Maybe the Martians are all coming to Boston to get married, 'cause men are from Mars. (3) Maybe the Martians realize not a lot of people would care if they blow up the Boston Eagle. The section of Tremont Street just north of that intersection is Boston's main gay shopping district. Waltham and Bond Streets are in the residential part of that neighborhood, and if you walk around you see a few cafes and laundromats and so on that have pride flags. (The big bank on Tremont Street used to be a local landmark because it's very unusual to see a chain bank with a big pride flag, but it disappeared in the last month once Bank of America absorbed Fleet.) It's not as obviously gay a neighborhood as San Francisco's Castro Street or Manhattan's Christopher Street, but you can't mistake that there are a lot of guys holding hands in public there. Anyway, rumor has it that Spielberg's "War Of The Worlds" movie might be released under a more appropriate title, "Mars Doesn't Need Women". -- K. I wonder what Yvonne Craig is up to right now? Do you think she's wearing her Batgirl outfit, or is she covered in green bodypaint? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Choices for this evening's entertainment Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 14:55:48 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > And if I was your wife, I'd be beating you to the... > > . . . tune of a John Philip Sousa march? I thought everyone knew Ravel's "Bolero" was the traditional choice. Verdi's "Anvil Chorus" is another popular option. Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" is just for foreplay. And let's not forget anything by Walter Carlos. (You can use Wendy Carlos too, but only if you throw Frisbees at people while wearing a glowing blue unitard with a hockey helmet.) So when are you two sweethearts getting married? -- K. Why, exactly, does computer security consist of Frisbees and not, say, Slinkies or Gnip Gnop? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: !?C Kibo's Beard Wax Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 20:49:17 -0500 Charlie (charlie@nospam.com) wrote: > > I have submitted an entry in response to Kibo's challenge to create a song > using the ingredients of his hair product. > > Please check out: > > http://www.interrobangcartel.com/cgi-bin/ibc.pl?Kibo's_Beard_Wax > > on the Interrobang Cartel web site. > > Thanks. Cool! Though, technically, I use it on my hair as well as my beard. Let me just connect to the other Internet so I can go look at that Web page... -> Kibo's Beard WaxÊ -> -> (Kibo's Beard Wax MP3) -> -> Lyrics: James "Kibo" Parry -> -> Arrangement: Charlie -> -> In a posting about his current hair color, Kibo set out a challenge to -> record a song based on the ingredients of his condition/wax (listed -> below). While he probably uses this on both his hair and beard, I liked -> the title of the song better this way. -> -> INGREDIENTS: Water, Cetearyl Alcohol, Polysorbate-60, -> Behenamidopropylamine Behenate, Stearalkonium Chloride, Cetrimonium -> Chloride, Cocodimonium Hydrolyzed Hair Keratin, Hydrolyzed -> Glycosaminoglycans (Hydrolyzed Mucopolysaccharides), Sodium-Coco Collagen -> Amino Acids, Wheat Germ Fatty Acids, Linoleic Acid, Linolenic Acid, -> Arachidonic Acid, Squalane, Avocado Oil, Acetamide MEA, Panthenol, Wheat -> Germ Oil, Jojoba Oil, Tocopherol, Tocopheryl Acetate, Sulfur, -> Amodimethicone, Polyquarternium-10, Linoleamidopropyl PG-Dimonium Chloride -> Phosphate, Tallowtrimonium Chloride, Nonoxynol-10, Cocoyl Sarcosine, -> Sorbitol, Fragrance, Imidazolidinyl Urea, Methylparaben, Propylparaben Mmm-hmm, those lyrics look suitably familiar. I was worried you would ruin them by making them rhyme or sound normal or something. But those lyrics do seem to be what I put in my hair just half an hour ago (after spending a while trying to un-clog the squeeze nozzle of the bottle -- you might not believe it, but sticky hair goop can act almost like glue.) Today I changed from metallic gold hair to the more traditional luminous orange, so it was time to put conditioner in. Also, I use it on my hair in addition to my beard. I'll spin the MP3 version of the song for a quick listen... Oh, foo, the MP3 is 3.2 megabytes, meaning it'll take a minute to download. I don't have time to spend a minute waiting to listen to a song about me! [pause while I post a nonsensical followup to something else, about wedgies] Okay, it's probably all downloaded by now. Probably one of the biggest things in my download folder, so let me just get a directory sorted by size: mach_kernel 3.6 MB KibosBeardWax.mp3 2.4 MB fbi concealed weapons.pdf 2.1 MB camerondiazsm.wmv 1.6 MB ClassicStumbler 1.7.img 1.5 MB TASER Report - photos.pdf 1.5 MB ...nope, not done yet. I'm just re-familiarize myself with the contents of this FBI bulletin on what concealed weapons look like when X-Rayed. Need it, got it, got it, need it, got it, got it, got it, invented it, got it, need it, got six, need it, got it. Still not ready yet? Sheesh. Better kill more time looking at whatever's in that document with the Taser photos. Oh, it's Canadian. This won't take long... It's got a big rainbow-colored bullseye showing the complex, multihued relationship between LETHAL FORCE, OFFICER PRESENCE, PHYSICAL CONTROL SOFT, DE-ESCALATE, INTERMEDIATE WEAPONS, HARD, PERCEPTION, CONSIDERATION, TACTICAL, ACTIVE, ASSAULTIVE, GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM OR DEATH, COOPERATIVE, PASSIVE, RESISTANT, ASSESS, ACT, PLAN, and SITUATION. There, now I know everything about how to take photos with a Taser, or whatever else I downloaded this document to learn. The song's finished downloading. Should I play it? [pause for answer] I don't care what you say, I'm going to play it anyway... Hmm. I could see the DJ playing this at the Machine. Might be a good idea, actually, because it's got a few quiet moments in it that might slow down the rate at which drunken Machine patrons run up the stairs to flee the endlessly ear-splitting noise of the Machine without realizing that they're now in the Ramrod. I don't think they'd play this over at the Eagle, because there all they have is a radio station tuned to wuss rock that's so quiet you can actually hold a conversation with any of the two other people in the bar. I've listened to it all the way through, but I didn't find where the obligatory Satanic message was supposed to be. Must be very well hidden. Good work! -- K. I think "PHYSICAL CONTROL SOFT" should also be a song, especially if it's interactive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: !?C Kibo's Beard Wax Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004 23:22:36 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's got a big rainbow-colored bullseye showing the complex, > > multihued relationship between LETHAL FORCE, OFFICER PRESENCE, > > PHYSICAL CONTROL SOFT, DE-ESCALATE, INTERMEDIATE WEAPONS, HARD, > > PERCEPTION, CONSIDERATION, TACTICAL, ACTIVE, ASSAULTIVE, > > GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM OR DEATH, COOPERATIVE, PASSIVE, RESISTANT, > > ASSESS, ACT, PLAN, and SITUATION. [...] > > > > I think "PHYSICAL CONTROL SOFT" should also be a song, especially > > if it's interactive. > > > Cue mellow chill-out music. > > V/O (William Shatner): He says "Physical control soft, grievous bodily > harm or death, out of breath." She says > "Intermediate weapons, hard, perception, lethal > force, cooperative of course." Together. Is this a multi-hued relationship? Like when Captain Shatner made out with Uhura? Or is it more like the time he got it on with Iman after she morphed into this pudgy white guy in a silly toupee? I think this song also needs to incorporate the other words from that bullseye. Particularly "assaultive". As in "These two peanuts were walking down the street, and one of them was assaultive." Wait, I didn't tell it right. Have Shatner say it. -- K. Then they dig up Otis Escalator's coffin and he's frantically ripping these metal steps out of the bottom of it, and someone asks him what he's doing, and he says "I'm de-escalating!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: various annoying things (was: Still fat) Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 23:15:09 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > When I was younger my parents used to have an outside cat that they just > called "cat". The vet wouldn't record that as the name so my mum used the > name "fire engine" as that's the sound it make when I tried to pick it up > (I think the record is still at my parents.) And they say records are overpriced. I'd gladly pay twenty bucks for 74 minutes of that. Especially if the CD has a bonus track of an even louder version of the only other track. It's the sort of thing I'd want just because nobody could possibly want it, therefore by wanting it I'd create one of those massive paradoxes which destroys the space-time continuum as we know it. Here's another: +------------+ | | | | | CIRCLE | <-- Look! The circle is perfectly square! Oh no, | | another paradox! The Universe just exploded again! | | +------------+ And here's an actual, unretouched example I saw outside the doors of a liquor store in Allston: ^ +---+ / \ | | / \ | T | /| I |\ \| U |/ | N | \ O / | | \ / +---+ V It took me a while to realize that the arrow on the right is supposed to be read from behind it, so it doesn't say the English word "TUO", it says the Martian word ### # # # # <-- this Martian letter is pronounced "square" ### ### # # # # <-- this is "blezmo" # # # # # <-- this is "duhhh" ##### SQUARE. BLEZMO. DUHHH! ANTA. ODELI. UTA!!! -- K. GLOP. CRUNCH. THUD!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: various annoying things (was: Still fat) Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 14:42:08 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Can't remember the URL, but there was a webbage that contained links > to the weirdest recorded stuff you can imagine. The owners posted a > link a day for a full year. Can't imagine how you'd begin to google > for it, but I saw the page and read about it in the newspaper a few > days ago. YOU KNOW, ONCE I SAW A TV SHOW AND ALSO I SAW A WEB PAGE ONCE TOO. I EVEN ONCE SAW PART OF A BOOK. THAT MAKES ME VERY SPECIAL. THE TV SHOW HAD THIS GUY IN IT, SOMETIMES HE STOOD UP BUT ONCE HE SAT DOWN. THE WEB PAGE HAD A FONT ON IT. I THINK THE BOOK HAD PAGES. YOU MAY WORSHIP ME NOW. -- K. Tell you what, Kevin, I'll get you started with your research. I looked up the first half of the URL for you. Get ready to write this down: http://www. YOU'RE WELCOME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): Beethoven's Shortest Story Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 04:02:27 -0500 This came to me while I was in the bathtub, as usual. It makes no sense. BEETHOVEN'S SHORTEST STORY by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 2004 James "Kibo" Parry "I'll get to the bottom of this!" screamed Beethoven as he frantically crossed out the music he'd written and then wrote the secret formula: STAPLE TO-TO TO TO ASTER ILET "C'mere, Toto!" Beethoven yelled as he grabbed Spot. "But my name's not--OW! Spot! OW!!!" Beethoven had just stapled Spot's ear to the toaster, and his other ear to the toilet. "Waah!" cried Spot, "Now all I can do is toast and shit!" Beethoven advanced on him with a hot waffle iron. He pressed Spot's face to it, rubbing Spot back and forth across it until he was uniformly blackened with no tell-tale grid marks that could be used as evidence of abuse. Spot whimpered. Then, Spot had one of his measly brainstorms. He pointed at the window. "Hey, look, Beethoven! It's Baron Victor von Frankenstein! And there's the mad scientist who built him!" Beethoven grabbed his gun and jumped out the window. Unfortunately, he landed in one of the town's many public vats of lye. He instantly fizzed away into a big toxic cloud of gas that used to write symphonies. Then Frankenstein came in through the window and ate Spot. The End. -- K. I swear it's only because I had a bad day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: One Day In Mexico Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 14:37:36 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > BEN WOKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH HIS HEAD STUCK IN A BUCKET OF ICE > > WRITTEN IN LIPSTICK ON THE BATHROOM MIRROR WAS "CALL 911" > > BUT HE COULDN'T READ IT BECAUSE HIS EYEBALLS HAD BEEN CUT OUT AND SOLD > > i call this art Yes. The timeless art of seduction. I mean... um... the timeless, ancient art of futuristic post-modern avant-gardity. Also, everyone knows you don't cut out eyeballs, you just suck them out with a miniature toilet plunger. If you don't believe me, go to the closest hardware store in Mexico and ask, "Excuse me, but do you have any toilet plungers for eyeballs?" Remember you want the little ones that fit on eyeballs, not the big ones for when a full-size toilet is clogged up with hundreds of eyeballs. -- K. See G. Gordon Liddy for details. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Gayest Martian Invasion Ever!!! Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 15:22:33 -0500 Okay, so over the last couple days I've been going on about how Spielberg's "War Of The Worlds" climaxes in Boston's gay neighborhood (but those scenes are being shot in Brooklyn for budget reasons.) Well, I found you a photo from the shoot: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=events/en/120104warofworlds&a=&tmpl=sl&ns=0&l=1&e=3&a=0&t=&prev=2 It's a little annoying that they refer to the guy as "an unidentified man" rather than "the actor playing Kibo". -- K. (Nice to see Stephen Lea Sheppard's still working.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Austria's favourite book Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 15:37:55 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I do not read books just because they are popular at the time, if I find > the DaVinci Code in a second hand shop in twenty years, I might read it, > not now. The same goes for Harry Potter. That book is such a piece of poorly-written, ridiculous crap, that if you read it twenty years from now, it will _retroactively_ make you retarded twenty years before that. Don't say I didn't warn you. The only fun you can have with that book is to open it to a random place and read aloud the first sentence you see, just to find out if you can do it without passing out. That book's idea of sentence structure is a lot like Christo's idea of a jumbo roll of toilet paper. -- K. That book makes a.r.k look ungarbled and nonawkward. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: an entry for the Guinness Book Of Ecch Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 23:07:27 -0500 [from www.chartattack.com] -> -> Yum! The Salads Build The World's Largest Pile Of Fries, Gravy And Cheese Curds -> -> Friday December 03, 2004 @ 05:30 PM -> By: ChartAttack.com Staff -> -> Many Canadian musicians have stepped in over the years to do their -> part for Toronto's Daily Bread Food Bank. Now those wacky dudes in -> The Salads are involved in one of the most extravagant projects -> created to help the cause. -> -> On Saturday, December 11, The Salads will be part of an historic -> attempt to construct the World's Largest Poutine. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I refuse to read the rest of that article. Especially the part in the next sentence that refers to poutine as a "delicious French-Canadian treat". -- K. If this event features poutine wrestling, don't call me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mr. Slimy Goes To Jail Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 14:36:29 -0500 You may recall that back in May I posted a couple of news reports about a man who was arrested for travelling from motel to motel, always leaving a room -- and everything in it -- completely coated with Vaseline: => But when he was allegedly found a short while later glimmering => from head to toe in petroleum jelly, authorities believed they => had their man. => => Chamberlain, 44, of McLean, Va., is accused of coating nearly => every available surface in his room at the Motel 6 near => Binghamton with the unctuous substance. => => Then, after checking out, a cleaning crew discovered the gooey => mess -- one that included mattresses, bedding, a television set, => furniture, carpeting and towels all slathered with petroleum => jelly. => => Damage to the room and its contents was estimated at more than => $1,000, and once police arrived, they found 14 empty petroleum => jelly containers and numerous pornographic magazines in the => trash can, according to WNBF radio in Binghamton. Well, guess what! He's back in the news today! [from www.pressconnects.com] -> -> Va. man ordered to pay damages for motel mess -> -> Room was coated with petroleum jelly -> By Nancy Dooling -> Press & Sun-Bulletin -> -> BINGHAMTON -- A Virginia man who admitted Monday to coating his -> motel room with the contents of 14 jars of petroleum jelly in May -> will have to pay $3,886 for damages to the motel. -> -> Robert F. Chamberlain, 45, of McLean, was sentenced by Broome -> County Judge Patrick H. Mathews Monday to three years of -> probation. Chamberlain pleaded guilty Monday to a misdemeanor -> charge of criminal mischief. He'll serve his probation in -> Virginia, the judge said. -> -> Chamberlain, dressed in a blue button-down shirt and navy blue -> dress pants, declined comment after his sentencing. There's a photo of him. He has that sort of creepy grin that radiates the message "I LIKE GOOP!" -> Chamberlain was charged May 10 after he coated every object in a -> Motel 6 room in the Town of Chenango with petroleum jelly, Broome -> County sheriff's deputies said. -> -> He didn't have much of the goo -- typically used as diaper rash -> ointment or as a balm for chapped lips -- in his possession when -> he was booked in at the county jail, a correction officer said. If those are the only uses for Vaseline, then why is it sold in those giant jars? I know Homer Simpson has been seen eating it by the handful -- or maybe it was Philip J. Fry, I can't remember the difference any more -- but I suspect Vaseline has other uses for a lot of people... I'll ask Burt Reynolds about it the next time I see him. -> "He looked normal," booking officer Anthony Rando said. "He didn't -> look slippery," Rando said, but he carried the smell of petroleum -> jelly with him into the jail. -> -> Rando said Chamberlain also was quiet and cooperative during his -> stint at the jail. -> -> Mathews didn't ask Chamberlain on Monday why he coated his room -> with petroleum jelly, and Chamberlain didn't offer any -> explanation. Chamberlain will have to pay $3,886 in restitution, -> the judge said. I would have given him twenty dollars off if he offered a highly entertaining explanation of why he needed to cover the TV with Vaseline. Was it just that he was enamored with the way William Shatner looked during the makeout scenes on the old "Star Trek"? If so, this guy's a pervert. No sensible person could possibly like close-ups of William Shatner as much as they like smearing things with Vaseline. -> Chamberlain was taken into custody by sheriff's deputies at the -> Econo Lodge on Upper Front Street in the Town of Chenango, where -> he was registered. -> -> Chamberlain was initially charged with felony-level criminal -> mischief. The charge was reduced as part of his guilty plea. It's too bad he didn't go to prison. Think of the hilarity that would ensue if he had to serve his sentence in the same cell as TV's Marc Summers so that they could live out the world's greasiest episode of "Super Sloppy Double Dare" behind bars. I don't know why Marc Summers would get arrested, but I'm sure we could make up something. -- K. Kurt Stocklmeir could be the special guest color commentator, assuming phrases like "slimy slimes sliming their slimy slime" count as color. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A funnier joke than the pirate one (was: Were the Beach Boys FBI informants?) Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:47:12 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] > > You are immediately plonked for referring to a joke by its punchline. So just eat around her! -- K. I could have merely referenced the cleaned-up version, "So just blow off some BROWN steam!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: We needed a census of imaginary friends. Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:15:51 -0500 [from www.uwnews.org] -> -> Two-thirds of school-age children have an imaginary companion by age 7 -> -> CONTACT: Joel Schwarz joels@u.washington.edu 206-543-2580 -> -> Imagination is alive and thriving in the minds of America's -> school-age children. And then school will crush their imagination forever! -> It is so prevalent that 65 percent of children report that, by the -> age of 7, they have had an imaginary companion at some point in -> their lives, according to a new study by University of Washington -> and University of Oregon psychologists. Hmm. I don't think I've ever had any imaginary friends. ...unless I count you people. You're not real, are you? -> The research also indicates that having an imaginary companion is -> at least as common among school-age children as it is among -> preschoolers. Thirty-one percent of the school-age youngsters were -> playing with an imaginary companion when they were asked about -> such activity, compared with 28 percent of preschoolers. -> -> [...] -> -> Having an imaginary companion appears to be an ongoing and -> changing process because a child doesn't necessarily play with the -> same imaginary companion throughout childhood. Carlson said some -> children reported having multiple and serial imaginary companions. Okay, I don't have any imaginary friends, but I do commit imaginary multiple murder and imaginary serial murder. I guess that makes me normal. -> The number of imaginary companions described by children ranged -> from one to 13 different entities. People are limited to 13 because that's the number of imaginary friends that were at the Last Supper. -> "It is somewhat of a revolving door. Children are nimble in coming -> up with these imaginary companions and sometimes we have a hard -> time keeping up with all of the ones a child has," she said. "So we fired tranquilizer darts into them, then stapled tiny imaginary radio transmitters to their ears." -> [...] -> -> Children were considered to have imaginary companions if they said -> they had one and provided a description of it. If the companion -> was a doll or stuffed animal, children also had to include -> psychological details (such as "She is nice to me") for it to be -> considered an imaginary friend. Since I don't have any real imaginary friends, I can only have imaginary imaginary friends. So does "She would be nice to me if I ever imagined she existed, which I never do" count as enough of a psychological detail for me to get my lollipop from the friendly science people? -> Imaginary companions described by the children came in a fantastic -> variety of guises, including invisible boys and girls, a squirrel, -> a panther, a dog, a seven-inch-tall elephant and a "100-year-old" -> GI Joe doll. Aw, come on, I always knew G.I. Joe was a Rough Rider. -> While 52 percent of the imaginary companions that preschoolers -> played with were based on props such as special toys, 67 percent -> of those created by school-age children were invisible, according -> to Carlson. -> -> The study also showed that: -> -> * While preschool girls were more likely to have an -> imaginary companion, by age 7 boys were just as likely as -> girls to have one. -> -> * 27 percent of the children described an imaginary friend -> that their parents did not know about. -> -> * 57 percent of the imaginary companions of school-age -> youngsters were humans and 41 percent were animals. One -> companion was a human capable of transforming herself into -> any animal the child wanted. And this kid's name was... Martin Landau! -> * Not all imaginary companions are friendly. A number were -> quite uncontrollable and some were a nuisance. "My imaginary friend keeps wetting my bed!" -> The researchers also were curious to know why children stop -> playing with imaginary friends. If I were a parent, I'd make sure to let my kids know they would never need to stop playing with their imaginary friends. Most grown-ups stifle kids by telling them that reality is good. And, frankly, I think reality's overrated. For instance, Darth Vader is cool because he's imaginary. If he were real, he'd just be overrated. I would make sure every one of my kids considered Darth Vader one of their imaginary friends. -> "Imaginary companions are treated by children much in the same way -> as when they lose interest in toys or other activities," said -> Carlson. "In many cases they simply go away, or children don't -> remember. Other times children replace an old imaginary companion -> with a new one, or they go on to friendships with real kids to -> meet some of the same needs." I'm bored now. I'm not quoting any more of it 'cause this article's boring. I'm going to go do something else. I want some candy. MOM!!! THE ARTICLE AND MY PEAS ARE TOUCHING!!! -- K. I should get some imaginary friends just so I could get them all credit cards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:06:10 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > > > [news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> Life expectancy is increasing in the developed world. But Cambridge > > -> University geneticist Aubrey de Grey believes it will soon extend > > -> dramatically to 1,000. Here, he explains why. > > Everyone would become a sick pervert if they lived that long - red-haired > Austrian comedian Sarah Kendall did a rant about it once. Something about > getting bored with "normal" life and wanting to try new things. > > Everyone would be a leatherman if they lived to 1000. Are you callin' me old? If so, I'm going to call you a person who makes ill-advised decisions concerning their personal safety. Remember, when it becomes possible for people to live to be 1,000, it'll be the leathermen who decide who does. The future will be like "Logan's Run", with thousands of people mincing through a shopping mall in fluffy, sparkly, semi-transparent scarlet and avocado polyester frocks, and a few guys in butch black outfits who spend all day gunning them down. Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Leathermen are SO two centuries ago. Why don't you go back to the food court with the other twinks? I'm busy blowing up the sissy flying figure-skaters here at Carousel. We need to kill them off so we can recycle the strings they're hanging from. Also, you might want to check that little rhinestone in your hand. I think it just turned fuchsia. -- K. I'm glad Bob Hope died at age 998 before he discovered leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:51:29 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember, when it becomes possible for people to live to be 1,000, > > it'll be the leathermen who decide who does. > > > > The future will be like "Logan's Run", > > Whoa, good thing I narrowly decided not to throw out my "Logan's Run" > shirt when we moved. I've never really been sure how we came up with > that designation for it, but everyone always knew which shirt we meant. > It's a heavy tan double-knit half-turtleneck with quilted black leather > shoulder patches and a complicated leather breast pocket with a zipper up > the side. Sadly, all of the leather pieces have holes worn in them now. I don't think there's an Obvious Bag large enough to safely contain the number of Dancing Bears Of "Wink!" I'd need to parade through here holding up the ten-thousand-mile-tall sign that says "Wink!" if I were to respond to your last sentence and its intentionally highly winkable subtext. There's a company that makes latex versions of the "Logan's Run" uniform shirts (black T-shirts with a six-inch-wide gray stripe horizontally across the pecs.) They don't have the quilting the ones in the movie had, but that's because quilted latex would not only be weird, but would make you sad that you're not allowed to play two-word phrases in Scrabble. -- K. So, Glenn, do you have a jewel in your hand you can wish on? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:37:02 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you callin' me old? If so, I'm going to call you a person who > > makes ill-advised decisions concerning their personal safety. > > No I wasnt, sorry if you took it that way. > > What use are threats if you are on the other side of the world as me and > can't physically injure my person anyway? I don't make threats, I draw diagrams of possible futures. As far as your question goes, your inclusion of the word "physically" in that sentence shows you are already aware of the answer. Now the "Batman" theme suddenly started running through your brain, and it won't go away for at least 24 hours, no matter how much you beg me. > Thanks. I am aware of how many thanks I deserve. -- K. Keep 'em coming, boys! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: where does all the porn go? Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:26:49 -0500 [www.thisislondon.co.uk] -> -> Almost one in four people with broadband internet admit signing up -> in order to download pornography, according to a survey published today. I think those BBC license-enforcement trucks that currently drive around England roughing people up over the TV tax should switch to hunting down the other three out of four high-speed Internet users and twisting their arms until they admit they like porn. In a related story, scientists in Quebec don't like to look at porn: [story.news.yahoo.com] => => MONTREAL (AFP) - Intrepid comic book reporter Tintin, who => began his adventures 75 years ago, looks like a young teen => because of a growth hormone deficiency and the effects of => too many blows to the head, according to a study. => => "This could explain his delayed natural growth, delayed => onset of puberty and lack of libido," reads the study, => published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal. "Also, his high-water pants are explained by a flood, and his hair is because he's a sissy." => The study was written by Claude Cyr, a pediatrician at the => University of Sherbrooke in Quebec, with help from two => experts -- his sons Antoine, 5, and Louis-Olivier, 7. => => "We hypothesize that Tintin has growth hormone deficiency => and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism from repeated trauma," the => study reads. I must have missed all the stories where he gets kicked in the nuts. => The researchers "identified 50 significant losses of => consciousness in 16 of Tintin's 23 books," the report reads. An insignificant loss of consciousness is where you black out for the middle third of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". It doesn't count unless you miss the whole movie. => "Of these, 43 incidents involved head trauma with loss of => consciousness representing grade three concussions. Tintin => sustained 26 concussions resulting from a blow with a blunt => object." => => Tintin lost conciousness eight times after being hit with a => club, four times after explosions, three times after being => shot, three times after being poisoned with chloroform, => three times after car accidents, twice by falling and once => due to mild dehydration, according to the researchers. Yeah, but what silly French sound effect did each of those instances make? BOUM or POUF? I think Tintin likes a good hard POUF. => In the books, authored by Belgian author Herge (Georges Remi), => Tintin never shaves, never grows taller and does not "exhibit => signs of pubertal development," according to the report. C'mon, name me one comic-book superhero who takes time out from his busy adventures to shave. (Worst comic book ever!) Although, I will admit that in the movie "Superman III", he does grow five o'clock shadow (but only when evil) but still he doesn't shave, he just magically wishes away the beard hair when he regains his purity of heart. -- K. Oh, and the Smurfs? No head injuries there, but lots of death by skin suffocation from the bodypaint. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: where does all the porn go? Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:31:19 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think those BBC license-enforcement trucks that currently drive around > > England roughing people up over the TV tax should switch to hunting down > > the other three out of four high-speed Internet users and twisting their > > arms until they admit they like porn. > > It's not that they don't like porn, it's just that they have highly > unrecognizable paraphiliae. Where the rest of us just see a bunch of ads > for Ikea furniture, for example, what we're missing may be, for instance, > that a glimpse of raw particle-board surface is barely visible in > reflection from a metal surface in every picture, or that each one > includes a table exactly one inch short of knee height. Dude, you don't have to tell _me_ the concept of Ikea porn. Not only have I gone through every bit of the two-DVD "Fight Club" frame by frame, but also, hmm... anyone else wonder what ever happened to Seth? Also, you'd be surprised how often graphic designers sneak little things that nobody will ever find into catalog covers and so on. Often they do this just to annoy Wilson Bryan Key. Or to amuse me (because I can always see _all_ the secret pictures. By the way, Glenn, you can stop putting those nude pictures of Cookie Monster inside every "o" you type.) -- K. "Nude" means "shaved" in the Muppet world. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How to turn your kids gay before they're born Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:40:38 -0500 [www.planetout.com] -> -> Study links diet pills, having gay children -> -> Ben Townley, Gay.com U.K. -> Monday, December 6, 2004 / 04:52 PM -> -> A new study suggests that women who take amphetamine-based -> diet pills when pregnant are more likely to have lesbian and -> gay children. Yeah, but what about kids who have two daddies? -> Expectant mothers who have taken thyroid medication are also -> included, with similar findings. -> -> Conducted by the Minot State University, North Dakota, the -> study followed more than 5,000 mothers and their offspring. -> The research will be published in the journal Personality -> and Individual Differences. -> -> Researchers found that mothers of lesbian women were five -> times more likely to have taken thyroid medications in the -> early stages of their pregnancies than those of heterosexual -> women. Additionally, they were nearly eight times more -> likely to have taken amphetamine-based diet pills. Isn't it quite plausible that kids who come out of the closet are more likely to have grown up in an accepting, free-wheeling, hippie-style household where the parents would be a bit more inclined towards recreational drugs such as speedy pep pills? 50% of scientists mistake correlation for causation. The other 50% are hopped up on the goofballs. -> Conversely, mothers of straight men were 70 percent more -> likely to have taken anti-nausea drugs than those of gay -> men. It's scientific proof that straight men make you barf! -- K. I hear that if your mother steps on a crack it breaks your back.