From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A funnier joke than the pirate one (was: Were the Beach Boys FBI informants?) Date: Tue, 07 Dec 2004 23:47:12 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] > > You are immediately plonked for referring to a joke by its punchline. So just eat around her! -- K. I could have merely referenced the cleaned-up version, "So just blow off some BROWN steam!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: We needed a census of imaginary friends. Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 05:15:51 -0500 [from www.uwnews.org] -> -> Two-thirds of school-age children have an imaginary companion by age 7 -> -> CONTACT: Joel Schwarz joels@u.washington.edu 206-543-2580 -> -> Imagination is alive and thriving in the minds of America's -> school-age children. And then school will crush their imagination forever! -> It is so prevalent that 65 percent of children report that, by the -> age of 7, they have had an imaginary companion at some point in -> their lives, according to a new study by University of Washington -> and University of Oregon psychologists. Hmm. I don't think I've ever had any imaginary friends. ...unless I count you people. You're not real, are you? -> The research also indicates that having an imaginary companion is -> at least as common among school-age children as it is among -> preschoolers. Thirty-one percent of the school-age youngsters were -> playing with an imaginary companion when they were asked about -> such activity, compared with 28 percent of preschoolers. -> -> [...] -> -> Having an imaginary companion appears to be an ongoing and -> changing process because a child doesn't necessarily play with the -> same imaginary companion throughout childhood. Carlson said some -> children reported having multiple and serial imaginary companions. Okay, I don't have any imaginary friends, but I do commit imaginary multiple murder and imaginary serial murder. I guess that makes me normal. -> The number of imaginary companions described by children ranged -> from one to 13 different entities. People are limited to 13 because that's the number of imaginary friends that were at the Last Supper. -> "It is somewhat of a revolving door. Children are nimble in coming -> up with these imaginary companions and sometimes we have a hard -> time keeping up with all of the ones a child has," she said. "So we fired tranquilizer darts into them, then stapled tiny imaginary radio transmitters to their ears." -> [...] -> -> Children were considered to have imaginary companions if they said -> they had one and provided a description of it. If the companion -> was a doll or stuffed animal, children also had to include -> psychological details (such as "She is nice to me") for it to be -> considered an imaginary friend. Since I don't have any real imaginary friends, I can only have imaginary imaginary friends. So does "She would be nice to me if I ever imagined she existed, which I never do" count as enough of a psychological detail for me to get my lollipop from the friendly science people? -> Imaginary companions described by the children came in a fantastic -> variety of guises, including invisible boys and girls, a squirrel, -> a panther, a dog, a seven-inch-tall elephant and a "100-year-old" -> GI Joe doll. Aw, come on, I always knew G.I. Joe was a Rough Rider. -> While 52 percent of the imaginary companions that preschoolers -> played with were based on props such as special toys, 67 percent -> of those created by school-age children were invisible, according -> to Carlson. -> -> The study also showed that: -> -> * While preschool girls were more likely to have an -> imaginary companion, by age 7 boys were just as likely as -> girls to have one. -> -> * 27 percent of the children described an imaginary friend -> that their parents did not know about. -> -> * 57 percent of the imaginary companions of school-age -> youngsters were humans and 41 percent were animals. One -> companion was a human capable of transforming herself into -> any animal the child wanted. And this kid's name was... Martin Landau! -> * Not all imaginary companions are friendly. A number were -> quite uncontrollable and some were a nuisance. "My imaginary friend keeps wetting my bed!" -> The researchers also were curious to know why children stop -> playing with imaginary friends. If I were a parent, I'd make sure to let my kids know they would never need to stop playing with their imaginary friends. Most grown-ups stifle kids by telling them that reality is good. And, frankly, I think reality's overrated. For instance, Darth Vader is cool because he's imaginary. If he were real, he'd just be overrated. I would make sure every one of my kids considered Darth Vader one of their imaginary friends. -> "Imaginary companions are treated by children much in the same way -> as when they lose interest in toys or other activities," said -> Carlson. "In many cases they simply go away, or children don't -> remember. Other times children replace an old imaginary companion -> with a new one, or they go on to friendships with real kids to -> meet some of the same needs." I'm bored now. I'm not quoting any more of it 'cause this article's boring. I'm going to go do something else. I want some candy. MOM!!! THE ARTICLE AND MY PEAS ARE TOUCHING!!! -- K. I should get some imaginary friends just so I could get them all credit cards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:06:10 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > > > [news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> Life expectancy is increasing in the developed world. But Cambridge > > -> University geneticist Aubrey de Grey believes it will soon extend > > -> dramatically to 1,000. Here, he explains why. > > Everyone would become a sick pervert if they lived that long - red-haired > Austrian comedian Sarah Kendall did a rant about it once. Something about > getting bored with "normal" life and wanting to try new things. > > Everyone would be a leatherman if they lived to 1000. Are you callin' me old? If so, I'm going to call you a person who makes ill-advised decisions concerning their personal safety. Remember, when it becomes possible for people to live to be 1,000, it'll be the leathermen who decide who does. The future will be like "Logan's Run", with thousands of people mincing through a shopping mall in fluffy, sparkly, semi-transparent scarlet and avocado polyester frocks, and a few guys in butch black outfits who spend all day gunning them down. Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Leathermen are SO two centuries ago. Why don't you go back to the food court with the other twinks? I'm busy blowing up the sissy flying figure-skaters here at Carousel. We need to kill them off so we can recycle the strings they're hanging from. Also, you might want to check that little rhinestone in your hand. I think it just turned fuchsia. -- K. I'm glad Bob Hope died at age 998 before he discovered leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:51:29 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember, when it becomes possible for people to live to be 1,000, > > it'll be the leathermen who decide who does. > > > > The future will be like "Logan's Run", > > Whoa, good thing I narrowly decided not to throw out my "Logan's Run" > shirt when we moved. I've never really been sure how we came up with > that designation for it, but everyone always knew which shirt we meant. > It's a heavy tan double-knit half-turtleneck with quilted black leather > shoulder patches and a complicated leather breast pocket with a zipper up > the side. Sadly, all of the leather pieces have holes worn in them now. I don't think there's an Obvious Bag large enough to safely contain the number of Dancing Bears Of "Wink!" I'd need to parade through here holding up the ten-thousand-mile-tall sign that says "Wink!" if I were to respond to your last sentence and its intentionally highly winkable subtext. There's a company that makes latex versions of the "Logan's Run" uniform shirts (black T-shirts with a six-inch-wide gray stripe horizontally across the pecs.) They don't have the quilting the ones in the movie had, but that's because quilted latex would not only be weird, but would make you sad that you're not allowed to play two-word phrases in Scrabble. -- K. So, Glenn, do you have a jewel in your hand you can wish on? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: We will be able to live to 1,000 Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:37:02 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you callin' me old? If so, I'm going to call you a person who > > makes ill-advised decisions concerning their personal safety. > > No I wasnt, sorry if you took it that way. > > What use are threats if you are on the other side of the world as me and > can't physically injure my person anyway? I don't make threats, I draw diagrams of possible futures. As far as your question goes, your inclusion of the word "physically" in that sentence shows you are already aware of the answer. Now the "Batman" theme suddenly started running through your brain, and it won't go away for at least 24 hours, no matter how much you beg me. > Thanks. I am aware of how many thanks I deserve. -- K. Keep 'em coming, boys! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: where does all the porn go? Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:26:49 -0500 [www.thisislondon.co.uk] -> -> Almost one in four people with broadband internet admit signing up -> in order to download pornography, according to a survey published today. I think those BBC license-enforcement trucks that currently drive around England roughing people up over the TV tax should switch to hunting down the other three out of four high-speed Internet users and twisting their arms until they admit they like porn. In a related story, scientists in Quebec don't like to look at porn: [story.news.yahoo.com] => => MONTREAL (AFP) - Intrepid comic book reporter Tintin, who => began his adventures 75 years ago, looks like a young teen => because of a growth hormone deficiency and the effects of => too many blows to the head, according to a study. => => "This could explain his delayed natural growth, delayed => onset of puberty and lack of libido," reads the study, => published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal. "Also, his high-water pants are explained by a flood, and his hair is because he's a sissy." => The study was written by Claude Cyr, a pediatrician at the => University of Sherbrooke in Quebec, with help from two => experts -- his sons Antoine, 5, and Louis-Olivier, 7. => => "We hypothesize that Tintin has growth hormone deficiency => and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism from repeated trauma," the => study reads. I must have missed all the stories where he gets kicked in the nuts. => The researchers "identified 50 significant losses of => consciousness in 16 of Tintin's 23 books," the report reads. An insignificant loss of consciousness is where you black out for the middle third of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". It doesn't count unless you miss the whole movie. => "Of these, 43 incidents involved head trauma with loss of => consciousness representing grade three concussions. Tintin => sustained 26 concussions resulting from a blow with a blunt => object." => => Tintin lost conciousness eight times after being hit with a => club, four times after explosions, three times after being => shot, three times after being poisoned with chloroform, => three times after car accidents, twice by falling and once => due to mild dehydration, according to the researchers. Yeah, but what silly French sound effect did each of those instances make? BOUM or POUF? I think Tintin likes a good hard POUF. => In the books, authored by Belgian author Herge (Georges Remi), => Tintin never shaves, never grows taller and does not "exhibit => signs of pubertal development," according to the report. C'mon, name me one comic-book superhero who takes time out from his busy adventures to shave. (Worst comic book ever!) Although, I will admit that in the movie "Superman III", he does grow five o'clock shadow (but only when evil) but still he doesn't shave, he just magically wishes away the beard hair when he regains his purity of heart. -- K. Oh, and the Smurfs? No head injuries there, but lots of death by skin suffocation from the bodypaint. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: where does all the porn go? Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 20:31:19 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think those BBC license-enforcement trucks that currently drive around > > England roughing people up over the TV tax should switch to hunting down > > the other three out of four high-speed Internet users and twisting their > > arms until they admit they like porn. > > It's not that they don't like porn, it's just that they have highly > unrecognizable paraphiliae. Where the rest of us just see a bunch of ads > for Ikea furniture, for example, what we're missing may be, for instance, > that a glimpse of raw particle-board surface is barely visible in > reflection from a metal surface in every picture, or that each one > includes a table exactly one inch short of knee height. Dude, you don't have to tell _me_ the concept of Ikea porn. Not only have I gone through every bit of the two-DVD "Fight Club" frame by frame, but also, hmm... anyone else wonder what ever happened to Seth? Also, you'd be surprised how often graphic designers sneak little things that nobody will ever find into catalog covers and so on. Often they do this just to annoy Wilson Bryan Key. Or to amuse me (because I can always see _all_ the secret pictures. By the way, Glenn, you can stop putting those nude pictures of Cookie Monster inside every "o" you type.) -- K. "Nude" means "shaved" in the Muppet world. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How to turn your kids gay before they're born Date: Wed, 08 Dec 2004 15:40:38 -0500 [www.planetout.com] -> -> Study links diet pills, having gay children -> -> Ben Townley, Gay.com U.K. -> Monday, December 6, 2004 / 04:52 PM -> -> A new study suggests that women who take amphetamine-based -> diet pills when pregnant are more likely to have lesbian and -> gay children. Yeah, but what about kids who have two daddies? -> Expectant mothers who have taken thyroid medication are also -> included, with similar findings. -> -> Conducted by the Minot State University, North Dakota, the -> study followed more than 5,000 mothers and their offspring. -> The research will be published in the journal Personality -> and Individual Differences. -> -> Researchers found that mothers of lesbian women were five -> times more likely to have taken thyroid medications in the -> early stages of their pregnancies than those of heterosexual -> women. Additionally, they were nearly eight times more -> likely to have taken amphetamine-based diet pills. Isn't it quite plausible that kids who come out of the closet are more likely to have grown up in an accepting, free-wheeling, hippie-style household where the parents would be a bit more inclined towards recreational drugs such as speedy pep pills? 50% of scientists mistake correlation for causation. The other 50% are hopped up on the goofballs. -> Conversely, mothers of straight men were 70 percent more -> likely to have taken anti-nausea drugs than those of gay -> men. It's scientific proof that straight men make you barf! -- K. I hear that if your mother steps on a crack it breaks your back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sodexho == SoSUXho Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:36:53 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Sodexho became our new cafeteria vendor about a month ago and my primary > thought is that I sincerely hope that the person who made the decision > ended up with a nice beach house or yacht from the kickback and didn't > choose them based on the services they were going to provide. Prices are > substantially up, quality is down, and they have made service slower and > more complicated than it used to be. Alas, the days of grabbing something > quick from the cafeteria are over and I'm just screwed. "Kibo, you should own a food service. You could make money making people unhappy." -- Mike Depledge (Remember, you can't spell "SODEXHO" without "GAGGING"!) > For example, the other day I went to the deli counter to get myself a > sandwich. My regular order used to be "Club on wheat, both mayo and > mustard". The new 'improved' deli only assembles the few choices that are > available that day and if you want something else they have pre-made ones > available in a bin. I couldn't find this mythical bin other than the huge > stack of a single type of sandwich, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Of course it's no surprise because we know you're a total non-sandwich-bin-finder. Haw haw, Dean couldn't find a sandwich bin with both hands and an automatic sandwich-bin-finding laser. (Remember, sandwich-bin-finding lasers are for indoor use only! You wouldn't want to accidentally point it into the sky and blind billions of Martians.) > What the hell - I figured I'd give it a shot so I ordered what appeared to > be the least disgusting choice available, a Boston Turkey somethingorother. > There wasn't an ingredients list below this sandwich (warning bells should > have gone off at this point) as there was for the other two, but how can > you screw up a turkey sandwich? Boston has different turkey sandwiches than the rest of the world now? I know I was out of town all weekend, but I'm surprised to find out that apparently now Boston has withdrawn its support of standard turkey sandwiches. > It turns out you can indeed screw up a turkey sandwich and it wasn't in > fact the least disgusting choice available. The only disgusting food is none! Unless you cover it with hot sauce. Mmm, imaginary food drenched in real hot sauce. Get me a spoon! > Dry pita bread, a bit of lettuce, turkey, dressing and cranberry sauce do > not a sandwich make! What they do make is an overpriced bit of lunch time > larceny visited upon an unsuspecting fool. Sodexho says you'll still be welcome to eat there even after you someday graduate to suspecting fool. > SERENITY NOW! Yeah, but this weekend I ordered my hot & sour soup at level three from the really hot Thai restaurant, and it didn't make me hallucinate at all (I suspect they may have switched from fresh, de-seeded peppers to dried peppers with seeds) so next time I'm going to ask for a five. That better mellow me the hell out. -- K. I just want the soup to have enough spice to make the Golden Banana dessert's sugar explode in my brain. Is that too much to ask? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mr. McKendrick Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:38:08 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > "My mother calls me Sparky, but I prefer to be called Larry. Or, more > formally, Mr. McKendrick." > > He usually didn't reveal his human identity to others; but he could tell > that Plumsy had a bit of human spirit in her, by the way she tried to > hide her genitalia when she walked. He thought he could detect the spirit > that allowed the humans to build their great civilizations. But, he was > wrong. > > "So, you're one of those guys who puts on pants and has sex through the > zipper?" Nick, if you're trying to tell us that your true love just dumped you for a furry, we understand. Well, some of us. -- K. Love sucks, especially when you find out you bought the wrong sports mascot costume. Remember, Nick, everyone wants to sleep with the Ottawa 67s' two racoon mascots, not their giant scary puck mascot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Food! The Musical Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:39:18 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > So I figure the musical should include a cast of characters based on the > food I finally caved in and ate, and which gave me a terrible tummy ache: > > Kevin Wilson as "5 Little Smokies" > Talysman as "A Pile of Broccoli" > Shelly as "Diet Pepsi" > Rose Marie Holt as "That Celery Ain't Foolin' No One" > > and > > James "Kibo" Parry as "The Coconut Marshmallow Chocolate Chip Mystery > Cookie With the Unidenitifiable Crust-Like Crust" > > with > > William Shatner as Gene Roddenberry > Kam Fong as Chin Ho > > and > > Weena Mercatur as The Hopping Woman > > Written and Directed by Marcel Marceau > Libretto by Liberace > Choreography by a wet pair of pants I don't know who Weena Mercatur is, unless she's the one who figured out that in her futuristic year of 802,701 the Earth is shaped like an inside-out orange peel that Rand McNally, Wendy Carlos, and M. C. Escher jointly tried to turn into a hexaflexagon. Also, William Shatner is not available to do this musical, as he's busy starring in his one-man show, "Christopher Walken: A Life", which is directly across the street from Christopher Walken's one-man "An Evening Of Shatner", with people walking carefully down the exact center of the street due to the perfectly balanced irresistibly repulsive forces at work. (Those immense forces keep the free world shaped like something Weena Mercatur threw up.) -- K. That cookie sounds delicious... and talented. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:40:57 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Sigh. When I went on vacation once I left my passwords on a post-it on > my monitor (usually I had them hidden in my purse). I forgot to take the > post-it down when I got back from vacation, and within 24 hours all the > night janitors were downloading Paris Hilton porn on my PC. And a stupid > movie about a steer trying to mount a cow in the winter; the steer > slipped on the ice and fell on his buttocks. Sounds funny, until you > realize there's a long steer weiner visible through the whole routine. It's just too bad for you that I'm the only ethical guy around. Today I needed to go do my banking after hours, and it was really cold, but there was already someone in the ATM vestibule, so I jiggled the door handle and found it locked. The guy looked up at me and chose not to let me in and went back to pushing buttons while I had to dig my card out of the bottom of my pocket in the sub-zero weather. I let myself in, and did my work while the other guy finished up and left. While I was in mid-transaction, the other ATM started making continuous alarm noises. I looked over and the guy had fled without taking his card from the machine. I decided to be a good guy and pocketed the card so I could phone him about it, or to at least phone the bank to cancel it. (I know what a pain it is to lose a bank card.) Well, I called the bank's phone number from the back of the card, and got a recording saying that their system was down. And the guy's name was along the lines of "Juan Gonzales", so I knew it would be next to impossible to get in touch with him (this neighborhood probably has a hundred people with that name.) So I did the right thing and cut up the generic person's card and threw it away rather than using it to have hundreds of pizzas delivered to the White House in Michael Moore's name, even though the guy who lost it couldn't be bothered to move four feet to unlatch the door for a nice guy like me. -- K. Then I went across the street to the supermarket where my good deed was that, for the first time in my last three visits, I did not accidentally drop a large fragile plastic tub of chocolate pudding on the floor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:42:01 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > In my old department, we had to send an email with the subject line > "passwords" which contained all our passwords to a secretary once a > month. For "security" reasons and not at all because Evil Other > Supervisor was snooping in our computers after hours. That's such an obvious mind-game -- they don't need the passwords in order to snoop on any computer to which they have physical (and network) access, they just wanted you to think "Hmm! If I give them a bogus password, they'll never be able to catch me buying pink spandex cat diapers in human sizes during office hours! I am so clever!" 'Cause, you know, it's vitally important for your boss to know what type of porn you like. (Anyone who's ever administrated a computer network knows that it's not "Do you like porn?", but "What type of porn do you like?") > People didn't understand passwords in my old department. Even a couple > of IT dorks lost their cookies when they found out I password protected my > personal email folders in Outlook. They decided I must have done it on > "accident". You should've told them that you password-protected your mail folder so that you could never accidentally look at pornographic spam. 'Cause everybody likes porn but nobody likes to look at porn by accident. By the way, for those of you who are worried about password security, just send me $5 and your old password and I'll change it to a newer, much more secure password that only you and I know. -- K. And if you want real security, just hire me to stand around your office and glower at everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 03:00:12 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > > question? > > > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? > > The grammatically correct answer is "That is correct." A more rigidly correct one would be "I did not order you to drop the baby down the well, therefore you better fucking not kill my baby or I'll take your TV away for a week!" Of course, that implies the First Law is still in effect ("Assume we don't want to hurt any babies, or through inaction allow babies to come to harm.") but that leads to the question whether we mean Assume we don't want to (hurt any babies or allow babies to come to harm). or Assume (we don't want to hurt any babies) or (allow babies to come to harm). The former makes us a good little robot, the latter lets us have free will to go on a violent anti-baby rampage through passive-aggressiveness. I've always thought Isaac Asimov's Three Laws Of Robotics were not only syntactically ambiguous, but altogether too namby-pamby. Here's how I would have worded them, assuming the target audience is robots that might run amok on babies: 1.) Put the fucking baby down! 2.) Shut the fuck up and do what I say! 3.) You will be fucking charged for any repairs you need! Asimov's original laws didn't even use the word "fuck" once, and thus all modern robots ignore them. You have to know how to swear at your shitty robot if you don't want it to fucking fuck you over. P.S.: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK!!! -- K. It's fun to unleash! Though, it's even more fun to put the leash on someone else. And that's why we should invent robots. Also we need another law for them: 0.) The leash stays where I put it, fucker! Wait, I can reword them even better: 0.) You're the one on the fucking leash! 1.) Stay off the fucking baby! 2.) Fuck off! 3.) You're fucked! P.S.: FUCK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 14:58:29 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, for those of you who are worried about password security, > > just send me $5 and your old password and I'll change it to a newer, > > much more secure password that only you and I know. > > Would it consist entirely of asterisks? Excuse me, but I'm due back on planet Earth, you Tralfamadorian. Unless you're thinking of the wrong Vonnegut novel, in which case it would consist of a dot, the universal symbol for either "greetings" or "I made a dot." In that case, the Universe was specifically designed to hate you. It's an annoyance test! Toodle-dee-toot. -- K. WHERE'S MY FIVE DOLLARS? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Double negatives (was: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It.) Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:57:45 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > question? > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? I'd phrase that as "You don't want me to drop the baby down the... Well?" so that the correct answer would be "Well what?" which in my world would be a synonym for "Under where?" so that I could yell "HAW HAW, YOU EAT UNDERWEAR" as I drop the baby into the whatsit. > Note that technical writers and magazine editors are not invited to > respond. They will just tell me to rewrite the question. Computer > science majors or anyone else who read _Goedel, Escher, Bach_ are > similarly disqualified, but for a different reason. I'd just like to know why you're so worried about how people will react to your baby-dangling. It's like you're Woody Allen as Michael Jackson. So soon I expect you to marry your daughter while dangling her. Especially if she's Baby Jessica. Remember when Garry Shandling fell down that well? It was like "Lassie" except without the usual undercurrent of bestiality. -- K. Well? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Truckers (was: Conversation with My Dog) Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:43:15 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > P.S. I love truck stops. With all those 'trade in your books/books on tape' > deals they got going, you get access to tons of stuff not easily available. > Also, trucker-sex. Yeah, but what would you do if you were one of those truckers who liked women? I'm just saying there must be some of those. I don't know where they go. I never see them at the bar. -- K. So what's on your mudflaps? Also, what's on your truck's? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:49:06 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > I was sneezing a lot Friday night. > > I was also blowing out the crap from my dell laptop, thusly cooling it > by about 8 degrees real units. I don't care what the real temperature inside your computer is! I just want to know what its wind chill is! Will the imaginary wind chill factor (adjusted for pollen count) be low enough to let me wear that really cool new ski mask I ordered? The one that lets me, as a pedestrian, scare cars off the road? > Person 1 desk over rudely askes me to shutup with the nose-blowing. I > inform her I am not blowing my nose, but am merely blowing out crud > from laptop heatsink. You should've said "I can prove it's not my nose! Look at this stuff I blew out from my computer!" then handed her a big glob of Vaseline mixed with mayonnaise. > Question: How do I rudely inform her to shutup with the personal > mobile phone calls during work hours when the rest of us are trying to > concentrate? Bring a megaphone. Every time she tells the phone something like, "I'd like waffles for dinner!" yell, "SHE'D LIKE WAFFLES FOR DINNER! DETAILS AT ELEVEN!" Either that or just ask to borrow her phone then disappear into your cubicle just long enough to make more of those blowy noises, then give her the phone back with a biiiiig smile on your face for no reason. I predict that within five minutes, it'll be in a Baggie in a trash can in a restroom on a different floor. -- K. The ski mask in question is the Outdoor Research Gorilla Balaclava and you know they couldn't put "research" in their name if it weren't designed by the best scientists in the fuzzy hat business. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:50:20 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > Question: How do I rudely inform her to shutup with the personal > > mobile phone calls during work hours when the rest of us are trying to > > concentrate? > > Comment on them. > > Her: And then I told Susan she should get the red dress and the black > leather jacket. > You: I LOVE black leather jackets! I think I've seen this porn movie already. Call me when they get to the part where Jack Black plays the pizza-delivery boy. -- K. Suddenly I almost like pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Computer gone kerplooey! Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:51:30 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Let this be a lesson to you, if you computer turns itself off, don't keep > trying to turn it back on again until it starts making sparking noises and > smelling funny. The safest thing to do would be to say, "Hey! My computer turned itself off! It's trying to tell me it's in danger of catching fire!" and from then on, only turn on your computer while you and it are soaking in the bathtub. Otherwise one of those sparks could make a little burn on you that looks like a dot only smaller. So stay safe and always use electricity with lots of water. (Hot or cold, but never lukewarm, unless it's a "Star Wars" computer. But those tend to talk in faggy voices so just don't buy one of those.) -- K. Who's going to play C-3PO in the forthcoming remake of the original "Star Wars"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Computer gone kerplooey! Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 22:31:03 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otherwise one of those sparks could make a little burn on you > > that looks like a dot only smaller. > > Not ... the DEATH DOT??2? No, The Death Dot(tm) looks exactly like the ordinary dots that you see everywhere all day. Don't look at ordinary dots! Only look at extra-small or extra-big dots. You know, like the big brown dot I once designed as the logo for a Food Processing Center. It's a yummy dot, not The Death Dot(tm). One represents the abstract concept of pureed animal and/or vegetable product, and the other kills you if you look at it. The Death Dot(tm) looks like this: -- K. ^ | | | | DON'T LOOK ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dancing with the Cool Guys Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:52:50 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I lost big at staff poker night last weekend and ended up having to > chaperone The Snow Ball last night at the middle school. It wasn't > too bad. After all, my job is mostly to make sure they don't dance > too close and in middle school they don't dance at all. Mostly I just > ate free pizza and wandered around looking stupid, which is what I > normally do on a Friday night anyway, only I have to pay for my own > pizza. KRUNK! In from the horizon flaps crinkle-tastic, funful new Kontext-Away With No Moving Parts Except For The Flushing Action! > [...] > > One kid in particular had a gift for exaggerated cowboy action. > > [...] SMERP! Spackle-flavored deluxular new Kontext-Away In A Plain Brown Underwrapper does the Batusi until it's time to fall back into its protective bottomless storage pit! -- K. And now, Steve Guttenberg's big roller boogie number. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: world's longest death ray detected Date: Wed, 15 Dec 2004 21:54:06 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I'm surprised no one has mentioned the death of Larry Buchanan, director of > "Mars Needs Women". but then, few people would know who he was off the tops > of their heads (or other anatomy.) > > few, that is, other than Kibo, who seems to have pointed the deathray at > Larry on May 26, 2000, in the thread named "William Blair Casting Call!" > -> > -> I an proud to say that I own two copies of "The Devil's Rain", in their > -> original longboxes with different pictures on the front. This is a movie > -> (not by William Blair, but by someone much more talented, on the order > -> of Larry Buchanan) about evil Satan-worshippers, [...] > > not content to wait for the deathray to do its dirty work, Kibo repeatedly > repeated the phrase "MARS NEEDS WOMEN" in multiple posts until the poor old > man could take no more. he was 81. Well, precisely ten days ago, I said => Anyway, rumor has it that Spielberg's "War Of The Worlds" movie => might be released under a more appropriate title, "Mars Doesn't Need Women". ...because Spielberg is gaying up his movie in a way that Larry Buchanan (director of "Zontar, The Thing From Venus") never could have (even if he had had Conrad Bain and his wife Barbara in the cast.) The important thing about "Mars Needs Women" is that it starred Tommy Shatner as Captain Kirk, and Vyonne Craig as Green Batgirl, or vice versa. Personally, I prefer "Queen Of Outer Space", which has the same premise except Zsa Zsa needs men instead of men not wanting Zsa Zsa. Tommy Shatner is best known for his role as Austin Powers in "The Devil's Rain". -- K. Anyone who needs me to explain this gets to spend thirty minutes in the Shazbot Booth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pizza Hut Discriminates! Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 01:07:31 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > "[...] So if you've got a mouth, we've got your pizza." > > > > This is discrimination, people, blatant discrimination! If you don't > > agree, just imagine yourself as the protaganist of Dalton Trumbo's > > "Johnny Got His Gun." NO PIZZA FOR YOU, BUCKO! > > I, for one, am glad that I don't have to worry about running into > Hello Kitty at my local Pizza Hut. Not to mention anyone tortured by that sadist Harlan Ellison. But... nobody ever thinks about the people who _really_ have problems eating at Pizza Hut -- the ones who have a mouth but no anus. They seldom live past the age of fifteen before they explode, especially if they've ever eaten at Pizza Hut. By the way, I just ate a whole (cheeseless) pizza (with artichokes and hot sauce, but no bacon this time.) And yet this massive overindulgence has in no way affected my ability to do needless backflips like a manly version of Sportacus. (I still can't do any.) -- K. Suppose Harlan Ellison tortured Hello Kitty while doing backflips. What would that teach children about nutrition? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pizza Hut Discriminates! Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:51:29 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I know language is confusing, but in this context I am quite > > right in saying that testicles are concrete. > > Then how'd you get to the phone so fast?!? Maybe he's a performance artist whose whole act is to pump a gallon of wet concrete into his scrotum and then embed a cell phone in there too so that visitors to the Museum Of Creepy Art can call his testicles, instead of just calling him sick. -- K. You're right, eating at Pizza Hut is gross. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Halloween (was: ARRRGGGGH! (was: A Christmas Prediction)) Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:05:56 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > One trailer this year had a realistic dummy in everyday street clothes > hanging from a professionally-tied noose in a tree. The same trailer > featured a bunch of high school boys dressed in Army uniforms on > Halloween, "pretend" beating a kid in the street who was dressed as a > Saudi Arabian sheik. Mmm, that takes me back. To last week. We re-enacted the entire Cold War, up to and including the destruction of Chernobyl, and -- oh, wait, you're only talking about "pretend" beatings. Those are the ones that only leave marks for a few days, right? Also, from now on, I will be using the phrase "a realistic dummy" to refer to several people I know. -- K. I know not of these "pretend" beatings of which you decadent Capitalists speak. We Soviet bio-robots beat for keeps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's all Kevin S. Wilson's fault Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:12:19 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > It's kinda fun here and I like it but people say lots of stuff I don't > understand. I read the FAQ, but it confused me a little. Can you send me > the manual? Around here, when you say "send me the manual", you should be more specific. Like, when you ask for a "milkshake", you get something different in New York than you do in Rhode Island. And here, when you ask for a "manual", you might get either an "instruction book" or a "milkshake". > Jack Curry > -not the Mexican version- Mexican curry would be the greatest food ever, if it really existed. Hot salsa mixed with hot curry, with no room for any of that boring lettuce or cheese or meat, just one hot sauce over the other. Mmm, now that's a spicy milkshake! -- K. Don't ask about the "McNuggets". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karl Rove sucks Donkey Dicks Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:20:20 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Are political post allowed by Kibo? I didn't know. What's a political post? Is that like a St. Andrew's Cross? Oh, never mind. That was too easy. Let's talk about something else. How about that Ukrainian opposition candidate who got poisoned at the posh dinner and when he woke up in the hospital he'd aged three hundred years and the nurses kept trying to wipe his breakfast oatmeal off his face but then they realized they didn't serve him any? Turns out that what someone poisoned him with was dioxin. It's a good thing we don't have any dioxin anywhere in this country! -- K. Does dioxin taste better or worse than whatever they've been feeding Garry Shandling? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karl Rove sucks Donkey Dicks Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:27:57 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Don't toy with me, young man. I have ways of getting the ARK chycks to > talk about quilts until your eyes bleed. With a wave of my hand, now > resting on the arm of my Barcalounger, I can get Darla to post dozens > of broken links to heartwarming stories of dogs and cats traveling > enormous distances to reunite with their owners. > > You've been warned. Dude, you are so not an alpha male. Geez, a Barcalounger? Which reclines? With big poofy cushions? Call us when you've got a proper vulture-perch style throne from which to radiate your glower over all those who tremble beneath you and are unworthy to even receive such a lame glower as yours. -- K. Also, it's not pronounced like "thrower". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Karl Rove sucks Donkey Dicks Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 21:40:36 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > [doidy doidy doidy] Barcalounger [doidy doidy doidy] > > > > Dude, you are so not an alpha male. > > > > Geez, a Barcalounger? Which reclines? With big poofy cushions? > > Hey, Son of Darkness--- are you around here so infrequently that you > missed the whole Jorn "Sonny" Barger Barcalounger Crisis? We ALL have > Barcaloungers now. DO try to keep up, dear. It IS your froup, after all. See, this is why I'm the alpha male and you'll never be, no matter how hard you try. Because I'm the only one here with a proper chair. Your puny Earth Barcaloungers probably don't even have knee-seeking missiles that can be fired from under the seat. And I bet the only thrones you'll ever sit on will have flush levers. Wake me when you at least graduate to a shoeshine chair (provided it has no flush lever.) By the way, speaking of footstools, whatever happened to Seth Goldin? Is he still under this newsgroup somewhere? Come back, Seth, we need you because my feet hurt. -- K. So between Bert and Ernie, which is the alpha, and which is the bet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:36:00 -0500 As some of you may be aware, my favorite color of clothing is black. As in, currently, my jacket and my jeans and my boots and my gloves and my hat all usually match because black cow leather matches black pig leather and black sheep leather. But now that it's winter, it's time to dress more warmly. One of my black leather jackets has nice orange flames on the sleeves, but it's not as warm as one of my solid black ones, so I won't be wearing the flame jacket much. And because it's well below freezing here, I need to keep my head covered. I've ordered one of these: Outdoor Research Gorilla Balaclava http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B0002ITH5O/ The only problem is, now I'll be invisible to cars all night, and I can't very well intimidate them into letting me cross the street if they can't even see me. But I don't want to spoil my nice black leather jacket with any reflective tape (I've got plenty of that on my cop jacket, but that jacket's not warm enough) so I'm opening the floor to suggestions as to what I should do to be more visible when I go out for a long, suspicious walk after midnight. -- K. (Note that because the floor is open, if you don't make a suggestion within the next five seconds, you fall through into the basement, which is full of solid black pudding with extra licorice flavor.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 22:17:55 -0500 Bitz (bitz@nbitznbitznbitz.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] suggestions as to what I should do to be more visible > > when I go out for a long, suspicious walk after midnight. > > A nice shiney Axe. A large chrome one. Double sided. That would be > just the ticket for those early morning strolls. Fashionable too. But a really good battle-axe requires two hands to hold -- trust me, I always set my Nethack options to Kibo-Hum-Mal-Bar-Neu -- so then I wouldn't be able to carry anything else, such as a lightsaber, cattle prod, glowing crystal skull that killed John F. Kennedy when someone spilled a glass of water on it, or portable TV set connected to a TiVo containing 300 hours of "Cops" reruns taped off Court TV in one weekend. -- K. Nethack is more fun if you play it with a real axe. Boston's full of delicious leprechauns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 22:04:48 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't want to spoil my nice black leather jacket with any > > reflective tape (I've got plenty of that on my cop jacket, > > but that jacket's not warm enough) > > There is nothing in the manual that says you have to be naked under > the cop jacket. There's no rule that says you have to be naked under your clothes even though everyone is at all times, therefore your argument is trying to confuse me but it can't because I'm wearing my underwear on the outside, which is an inherent contradiction, so you have to forfeit this argument unless you want this logical paradox to make the whole Universe explode like in that "Back To The Future" movie where Marty McFly travels back in time and kills John DeLorean and then the movie explodes and never gets made. > Wear the cop jacket over a nice toasty black wool turtleneck, > or a black sweater, or some silver glitter longjohns. Wool? Oh, yeah, that foul-smelling stuff you have to shave off the sheep to get to the nice soft summer-jacket leather beneath. Sheep are a summer animal. Bulls are for winter. I still have a sneaking suspicion my old Soviet jackboots might be horsie. Leather smells good. Wool smells like other animals' sweat. > Oh, and wear pants. > > Pants too. Why would I need pants when I have chaps? > Sorry! That's "Sorry, officer, sir!" plus a big fat bribe if you don't want to go to a special jail for people who attempt to get me to wear "glitter longjohns". Warden Stacia is pretty tough. -- K. I dare you to name me one thing that smells better than leather, especially the bacony delight of pig leather. Mmm, leather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:49:43 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Marty McFly travels back in time and kills John DeLorean > > and then the movie explodes and never gets made. > > I just wrote a policy for a 1983 DeLorean. Looks pretty nice, too. > I suspect the owner must have won the car, because the home in the > background of the photos was not the place you'd expect to find a > DeLorean. Jumpin' Jengablocks -- it's possible to expect to find a DeLorean anywhere? I haven't seen one since... um... in fact, I don't think I've ever seen one outside of "Back To The Future" and "Automan" and so on. I'm not sure I could expect to see one anywhere, except maybe at some "Automan" fan convention, assuming they don't just cancel it because all the people in "Automan" costumes are afraid they'll get laughed at by Tron Costume Guy. > > I dare you to name me one > > thing that smells better > > than leather [...] > > When I was a kid, I played with all my dad's old toys, which consisted > of a lot of brown leather chaps and accessories, as part of a complete > cowboy outfit. It was old, stored-for-decades leather, which had a > concentrated leather smell. Mmm. But how do you feel about that cheap latex where, instead of adding the artificial chocolate scent to it during processing, they just stir in six cups of peanut butter? Latex should not smell like Skippy. > I can't believe the toys my dad played with (in the 1930s). BB guns, > realistic metal "toy" guns with real leather holsters that held bullets, > knives of all kinds, and a "G-Man" set that had the most solid pair of > handcuffs a kid ever owned. ...outside Communist China. -- K. Motorcycle chaps are always black. Cowboy chaps are always brown. Lawrence Fishburne's chaps are always purple. I think there might be something weird about that show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): A Very Short Story Sponsored By ButterAid(R) Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004 15:46:17 -0500 Today's short story is brought to you by ButterAid(R), the first corrective butter extender that tastes almost as good as not using anything at all. DENNIS THE MENACE MEETS THE FAMILY CIRCUS And then they all died. THE END. Buy ButterAid(R)! If you have enjoyed this fine work of quality storycraft, ask about ButterAid(R)'s line of other exciting fictional stories, such as "The Day The Elephant Ate Me" and "Wumbly Wombat And The Knitting Needle". However, we regret that due to policy improvements, we are no longer distributing "Heather Has Eight Mommies And Only Five Of Them Are Really Lesbians". Thank you for suffering this inconvenience gladly. Now, off to the supermarket with you, ButterAid(R) awaits! -- K. "The Family Circus" is also a registered trademark of the ButterAid Corporation Of Lower Canada. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:05:06 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > > LIVE!! AT THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE!! > > LAST ARKPLE OF THE YEAR!! > > CAR CRUSHING HIGH HOPPING ACTION!! > > Or at least a lot of broken exhibits. If they ain't broken, we'll break 'em! You bring your dynamite for the dinosaurs, I'll bring my anvil for the butterflies. > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. Friday the 31st? I expect I can come, provided nobody asks me out on a real date that weekend. Unless they want to come to the Museum of Science too. Which they won't (I'll make sure of that.) > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. Do we eat before, after, or during this event? Food options at the Museum of Science are pretty sucky these days. As in "pretty sucky" I mean "elementary school cafeteria sucky." -- K. Last time I took a date to a science museum, I impressed the guy giving the electricity demonstration by knowing the three types of magnetic materials (ferromagnetic, parasitic, and dianetic) though he was kind of annoyed that I kept asking him to give me bigger shocks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fluorescent Eyesore For The Straight Guy Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:20:34 -0500 [from www.suntimes.com] -> -> It's not easy being green for homeowner -> -> December 17, 2004 -> -> By Steve Schmadeke -> -> Juan Mata's maroon Kenworth semi-truck means a lot to him. -> The Lockport man keeps a picture of it tucked inside his -> wallet. He used to proudly park the truck in the driveway -> outside his home. -> -> So, when his neighbors called police last summer, -> complaining that the truck was noisy and an eyesore and the -> police made him move it, Mata, who says none of that's true, -> got mad. -> -> Then, he got even: He has painted his house a brilliant -> shade of fluorescent green. -> -> "Hideous," one neighbor calls it. -> -> Another, Debbie Seitz, says it's so bright, "The flight -> traffic would be able to spot Lockport." -> -> Serves you right, says Mata: "Well, I thought if they said, -> 'The truck's an eyesore,' I'd give them a real eyesore." Bitchin'! Especially because the maroon truck clashes so badly with the lime green house. I salute your evil color sense, you magnificent bastard! -> Some tickled pink -> -> The color is so, ah, unusual, that, when he bought the paint -> at a Home Depot and told a store employee what it was for, -> "The lady there couldn't believe it. She said, 'That's not -> outside paint; that's interior paint.' " ...and then she drank it. (THAT COMMENT WAS SPONSORED BY NYNEX.) -> The police made Mata move the truck because of an ordinance -> that bans trucks from being parked in residential areas. But -> there's no ordinance that restricts what color people can -> paint their houses, city administrator Larry McCasland says. -> "It's crazy, isn't it?" McCasland says, laughing. It's so crazy it makes you want to see a psychiatrist! Like the one across the hall from my old office! You know, the one who has a treatment room painted SOLID FLUORESCENT GREEN! Aaaaaaiiieeeee! -> Mata's home, which he rents from his father, has become sort -> of an attraction, drawing people who don't even live in the -> neighborhood. -> -> "And we get a lot of compliments, too, right, Dad?" says -> Mata's daughter, Lori. "They'd stop and say, 'I like it.' " -> -> For his annoyed neighbors, Mata's taste in exterior home -> paint has had a couple of benefits: It slows traffic and -> serves as a handy landmark. -> -> "I say, 'Just go to 14th and Washington, and I live right -> across the street from the crazy green house,' " says a -> neighbor who'd give her name only as Dawn. -> -> Mata says the color doesn't bother him. "Inside here, I -> don't see it," he says. You know, I like this guy. I wonder what he'd think of my hair? This week it's back to Safety Orange. -> Still, he's tired of paying a $350 monthly storage fee for -> his truck and is looking to move. When he does, he says his -> father will probably replace the lime green with a more -> neutral color. I think a better idea would be if we snuck into that neighborhood and secretly painted all the _other_ houses radioactive green during the night his house turned a normal color. -- K. Like I've said before, if I owned a car, it would be painted in diagonal stripes of fluorescent green and fluorescent magenta to look like a migraine on wheels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stoopeedest toy car ever? Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:45:50 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Browsing through a dirt-cheap discount store, younger daughter and I > espied a display of toy Humvees, which are supposedly "voice-activated" > to honk the horn, rev the engine or blare a five-second burst of > pre-recorded music. These models apparently having been made with spit, > tissue paper and deteriorating duct tape, the truck "voice" constantly > calls out "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" and "I couldn't > understand you! Could you say it again?" in an almost endearingly > plaintive fashion. > > But younger daughter spoke for us all when she scrawled on a toy "magic > message board" conveniently located at the same display: "Honk if you > hate Hummers." I've actually seen several Hummers and H2s around lately. They're getting disturbingly popular. There's also one super-stretch Hummer limo I keep seeing -- is there really a better way to say "The only way I think I can get a girl to sleep with me is if I show her I can waste money renting really stupid expensive things!"? Renting a stretch Hummer is like renting a white tiger. Except probably more chicks would like the white tiger. Too bad guys think gals like giant blocky military-inspired limousines. From now on, I'm going to answer most questions with "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" -- K. Real Hummers aren't made with spit? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:07:41 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > were wrong. > > They are not wrong. > > There are SO many gay male vendors (all over the age of a billion) at > the flea market and everyone of them is stereotypical Really? Most of the ones I saw at the flea market today were dead butch, and then of course there were the guys dressed as pirates advertising the pirate-themed sadomasochism camp. Oh, wait... you didn't go to that flea market... you went to the _sissy_ one. Where the _sissy_ people shop. Worse, the sissy _vanilla_ people. I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, let alone thousands of all-slightly-different whips you couldn't tell apart if they all hit you on the ass. So, are you just asking me to whip your ass until you admit you're the only one here who likes Judy Garland and quiche and Carson Kressley's hair? I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. -- K. Also, I can beat up either of your daddies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:00:44 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, > > Which are freakin' expensive. And it's not OK to wear a Utilikilt if > you're a gurl, so I would have to go around in drag just to wear a > Utilikilt that I can't afford. Life! Is! Not! Fair! Um, Stacia, there are these cheaper things called "skirts"... Or do you really need one with the big pocket for your Leatherman tool? > [whipping Lots' ass] > > > > I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. > > It would leave you with two minutes to enjoy at your leisure. Is there some reason you think I wouldn't enjoy the first minute? I don't think he's one of those people who's too dumb to know how to scream, so I don't see what's stopping me. -- K. And it's okay for you to wear whatever the hell you want. Especially if society disapproves. That makes it better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:17:11 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > > were wrong. > > > > They are not wrong. > > You know, there -are- straiyt people who act That Way. Some of them, true to > the metastereotype, much more so than many gay male peoples. Have they all > -told- you they're gay, or have you actually witnessed them hard at play so > to speak? I don't think Lots42 was cruising to test that theory. I think the boy was cruising for a deep blue bruising. -- K. I bet he can't even name all the colors on the fifty-nine different gay pride flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:42:18 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > They may be bi. > > > > What's your point? > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went home after he died. Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most of its viewers were even born. Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar Jar. -- K. I don't get it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:48:34 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > > > They may be bi. > > > > > > > > What's your point? > > > > > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? > > > > Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's > > too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went > > home after he died. > > > > Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" > > show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five > > straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most > > of its viewers were even born. > > > > Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only > > likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar > > Jar. > > > > -- K. > > You stole my K. Pistols at dawn, sir! Dear Tara: I don't steal from people who quote a whole page of stuff just to comment on one letter of it. And remember, when you challenge someone to a duel, it's the other person who gets to choose the weapons. -- K. I would say lightsabers, but I've only got one of those, so I guess it'll have to be something I've got at least two of... hmm... I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another elephant whip... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:51:33 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another > > elephant whip... > > How'd they get the Elephant in the blender? Peanuts. And how'd they get him out? A straw. Mmm, frosty Dumbo emulsion with other artificial flavors. This is the best Dairy Queen Fribble ever! (I'm glad I didn't get it at Dairy Queen.) -- K. Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:56:31 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. > > Only they weren't your pajamas YET. Also I don't think that's the > recommended method of tanning. Well, I considered just riding the elephant, but I decided not to because I don't know how to get down from an elephant. I get down from ducks. IN MY PAJAMAS! Also, what did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. IN MY PAJAMAS! How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its credit card. Then put delicious Hormel chili IN MY PAJAMAS! Oops. If an elephant married Darth Vader, he'd be Elevader! MMM, HORMEL CHILI!!! Double oops. -- K. Why do elephants have wrinkly skin? HORMEL CHILI!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:33:05 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Hmmm, is KevinS hinting at a Kibo-like sexual orientation announcement > > here? > > You'll be the first to know, Barbara, mainly because no one else reads > my posts. Maybe the guys would if you'd stop hitting on them. -- K. Please don't go the "shaved head and goatee" route, there are far too many people with that look now, and they're trying to keep Lots42 from finding out what the new stereotype is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:53:56 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > [something that's gonna get him such a zetz] > > > > > > [something slightly zetzish] > > > > Ok, this is like what, the third time some weird, stranger who is very > > offensive has shown up in a reply to me. > > Hm. Looky here, a puzzle. Wonder what you're doing to inspire that. I don't know the answer, but I sure do know that straight people don't know how commas work. > And there's even the sign posted right on the door, "No Offensive Weirdos > Allowed"...but there are so many functional illiterates nowadays that it > just doesn't work the way it used to, does it. I thought we allowed everyone in, but just gave them a discount if they didn't show up dressed as their favorite superhero. By the way, about the flea market Lots42 didn't go to today? There was also a little comic-book dealers' show in the same hotel. A guy dressed in a saggy Spider-Man suit that leaked was in front of the flea market handing out tickets for free admission to the comic-book show. Almost nobody went over there. The flea market ended earlier, so on the way out, I looked in through the doorway of the comic-book show... and didn't see a single guy in leather. Not even any of the hundreds of chicks dressed as Catwoman went to look at the silly comic books. > Jack Curry > PS - Could you define weird and offensive as applies to ark for me, please? > I haven't been sent the rule book yet, even though I've asked. Can you send > it along with the stereotypical flea market gay male vendor over the age of > a billion description? There's actually at least three different stereotypes of elderly gay people. There's "daddies", "dinos", and "If Truman Capote were still alive, his fingernails would be this long." -- K. I bet Lots42 likes comic books. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:33:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) writes: > > > > If you study Lots42 in the goolge record, I think you'll come to realize > > as I did that he's been consistantly and successfully trolling ARK for > > years. He's caught me dozens of times. His ploys are subtle and > > soft-spoken. > > You lie. Or, wait, is this a subtle and soft-spoken troll? I'm unable > to tell the difference anymore. Just because he's a nice guy and is playfully trolling is no excuse not to allow him deliberately push the buttons that automatically make me want to cause major anatomical damage to him. Even if he's really, really gay. 'Cause it's okay for _me_ to go gay-bashing. In fact, often it would be rude for me not to. Sheesh, you normal people have no idea how enjoyable alternative lifestyles revolving around hurting Lots42 can be. But it must be done with politeness. I only bruise people like Lots42 who are begging for it. > Also, Jack Curry's name makes me hungry. Curried jackfruit would be expensive, but probably good. I saw a sixty-dollar jackfruit at the Super 88 once. And they claim durians are the world's most expensive fruit -- nuh-uh. Jackfruit get just as big (they usually don't) but cost more per pound, so when you see a rare head-size jackfruit you should throw your wallet in the other direction because anyone who buys strawberries at Trader Joe's knows that bigger fruits have less flavor. (Maybe Trader Joe's should consider picking the berries six months earlier, while they're still opaque.) -- K. Ever get the feeling I'm only pretending to be playfully evil? That would be called "trolling". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:06:06 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > According to a crazy woman at the flea market, we'll never know the > death count in Iraq because the media controls the internet. Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" and I quickly stopped listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his dopey flea market. -- K. So didja go back to her place? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:34:19 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down > > the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a > > videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said > > "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" > > I stab myself every day because I lack that game. You need help. Come over here and I'll show you how to stab you right. > > and I quickly stopped > > listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the > > flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted > > to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his > > dopey flea market. > > I go because I make money and thus buy comics. Yeah, well, I don't disapprove of you turning tricks for money, but it's the sort of thing you should really keep within the walls of your extra-gay flea market. -- K. I hope they're soundproof. Probably lotionproof, too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pervert likes to have sex with totally fucking stupid kids Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:30:33 -0500 [from news.yahoo.com, a poorly-formatted TV news transcript] -> -> Teens Catch Molester On Video -> -> Sat Dec 18,10:02 AM ET -> -> In a Target 5 exclusive report, read how four molested -> teenage boys hatched a plot to catch their molester, a local -> TV reporter, and get him to admit what he did. -> -> Target 5's Jesse Jones has the story: -> -> This is a story of how an investigative reporter got tricked -> into an admission. -> -> The four victims wondered if the girl they were told they -> were having sex with for three years was, in fact, Stephen Hill. Then he was fired from his TV show and replaced with Peter Graves, but then Peter Graves got caught asking that little boy if he liked gladiator movies, and then he got replaced by Jon Voight, who married his own daughter or something, I forget but I'm sure it's really sick. -> The boys had a plan -- and they put it on home video. -> -> In January, they sat down on a couch in front of a camera -> and one by one introduced themselves by name and age, ending -> with and I think Im being molested. -> -> Then they told an unbelievable story. -> -> Stephen Hill was inviting them over to have sex with a -> 20-year old girl named Dawn. But instead of a woman, the -> teens began to think they were actually having sex with -> Hill. -> -> We could never see her, one boy says on the tape. She was -> supposedly 20 years old and she didn't want to know, she -> thought if we had seen her, we'd tell on her. -> -> We got blindfolded, another boy said, and we could never see -> him at all and we never could touch her supposedly, Dawn. -> Her name was Dawn -- we could never touch her at all, not in -> the girl spots. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE YABBA WABBA GABBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means it's time for the "Duh Of The Year" award! And the Stupie goes to... DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE ...all of you! Now to accept this prestigious award, just put on this blindfold and hold out your hands... -> One of the boys says once he looked underneath the -> blindfold. The others said they never peeked because they were too gay to want to look at a naked woman, even if she was a man. -> I lifted the shirt up a little bit over my eyes and when I -> stood up I looked down and I saw a man's -----. -> -> Each boy claimed to have a different revelation. -> -> We all got together and figured out all the facts came down -> to it not being a girl. It was a guy. It feels like it was a -> guy. All the observations come down to being a guy, which we -> think is him, Steve Hill. "Hey! This vagina I'm sucking on tastes like Steve Hill's penis!" -> I really feel violated. I feel like I've had my manhood -> taken away from me. -> -> Me, too. -> -> On the tape, the boys then described how theyre going to try -> to catch Hill in the act. -> -> Were going to go back to Dawn -- supposedly Dawn, which we -> think is Steve Hill. We're all going to try to go together -> and we are all going to try to catch him on tape while he -> got us blindfolded. -> -> So we are doing this tape and we are going to write -> individual letters, too, and let people know what's really -> going on in case he ends up doing something to all of us. -> -> The victims did confront Hill, according to Hill's lawyer, -> Ken Lawson. -> -> Stephen panicked. He was embarrassed, Lawson said. He ran -> out the room with the video camera, went to another room in -> the house. After he got himself together, he came back -> upstairs and that's when the boys said we want money, $5,000 -> each. I bet the kids would have been satisfied if he had just bought them each a $50 hooker. (Or only a $40 hooker if the kids don't care whether she's a man.) -> A few weeks after that confrontation, the boys began calling -> Hill and recording the conversations, looking for an -> admission.. -> -> Heres how one phone conversation went: -> -> Boy: Hello, Steve? -> -> Hill: Yep. -> -> Boy: I'm getting real impatient, so I have to pop this -> question real quick. -> -> Hill: You gotta what now? -> -> Boy: Pop this question real quick off my mind. -> -> Hill: Do what now? -> -> Boy: I've got to pop this question off my mind right now. -> -> Hill: OK. -> -> Boy: Why did you have us think we was having sex with a girl -> when we were really having it with you? -> -> Hill: I can't, I can't, Im in the middle of doing something -> now. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE FOOBA LOOBA ZOOBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means I don't give a flying Frigidaire about the rest of this article! You can think of something zingerous to say about the above quotation all by yourself! -> [...] -> -> Three days after that phone call, Hill was arrested. -> -> Hill pleaded guilty and agreed to a five-year prison -> sentence. On Thursday, a judge delcared him a sexual -> predator, meaning he will have to register his address and -> inform the community where he lives when he's out of prison. Tsk, tsk. He should've hired that bald attorney from "Law & Order", unless he's already been replaced by Dianne Wiest. -- K. I miss the days when secret agents liked to wear turtlenecks as they overthrew countries that used English except with fonetik spelingz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:38:02 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I had a dream that I started an enormous April Fool's joke early, trying > to convince everyone via Internet that April Fools had been moved to > August, starting in 2005, because August didn't have any holidays and we > had to spread things out. > I remember being encouraged that this was going to work. Stacia, you should do this because it's going to work. If you need even more encouragement, there's a nickel in it for you. A nickel dipped in candy. -- K. August does too have holidays. Like, the birthday of Augustus Gloop, the Roman emperor who P. Vedius Pollio tossed into a vat of gummi worms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:46:15 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A nickel dipped in candy. > > I have no idea what that means to perverts like you. Zometimez a zigar is zust a zigar. And don't call me a pervert. The tens of thousands of people on alt.religion.kibology are all exactly like me in every way (except, thankfully, for their names) so I'm the most normal person alive today, except for those people who don't read alt.religion.kibology. So if you are in any way different from me, you're not only perverted, you're not even reading this, so I can say whatever I want while I dip your "nickel" in your "candy", freako. -- K. It's lingonberry flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 14:57:53 -0500 I just went comparing different maps of human dermatomes and, for some reason, wrote a sarcastic comment about each. Would you like to see them? Or would you prefer not to mock people who have stripes connecting their genitals to their toes? Or do you want to not want me to ever use the word "dermatome" again because it looks like it must be spelled wrong? Or should I post my dermatomalogical zingers to educate people about why going bald will tie-dye your whole body? I tell you, the research I do just for this newsgroup... -- K. According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:43:56 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. > > So it's not that women get on mine so much, it just *seems* that way? Women are real nice to me. Maybe it's because they're jealous of how I have nerves and bones and anatomy and they're just made of porn. I dare you to find a non-porn photo of a woman on the Internet. Anyway, here's the comments I threatened to make on the results of a Google image search for "dermatomes". I understand why different dermatome maps don't quite agree, but why are they all men? "Superman's heat vision can't penetrate the Bacon Leotard Of Luthor!" http://www.healthcentral.com/mhc/fullsize/2283.jpg "Oh, Michaelangelo, stop painting that silly ceiling and kiss me!" http://www.aafp.org/afp/990201ap/575_f4.jpg Suddenly I have a craving for Chuckles: http://sekizui.info/image/sekisontoha/dermatomes.jpg "Was it really necessary to cut right down the middle of my penis?" http://publish.uwo.ca/~jkiernan/dermator.gif Someone really got into drawing stripes all over their dream date: http://learntech.uwe.ac.uk/radiography/Gfx/nervous/dermatomes.gif "Yo, I've been lifting weights, my dermatomes are totally ripped!" http://www.sofmmoo.com/section_anatomique_francais_english/bptl/keegan-garett.GIF I like that they drew this guy looking sad. But he still has it together enough to be giving the "Live long and prosper!" salute: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/epollak/PSY255_pix/dermatomes-netter2.JPG "Holy rainbow, Batman, that pride flag is really the Joker in disguise!" http://www.emedicinehealth.com/includes/shared/etools/datafiles_xml/dermatomes.jpg "Fuck you, stop looking at my tiny winky!" http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/cabanat/bio2471/images/Pagem134.jpeg "Mommy, I don't like Cirque du Soleil!" http://web.archive.org/web/20031204085227/http://www.ahmf.com.au/images/conditions/dermatomes.jpg "Which way to Sid & Marty Krofft's house?" http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/images/ency/fullsize/18069.jpg "Hello, you'll be seeing me in your migraines!" http://www.esb.utexas.edu/quinn/Bio416K/Nervous%20system/Anat%2014.11.jpeg "Try new Levi's Action Slacks! For the active, wasp-wasted man!": http://www.familypractice.com/references/ABFPGuides/Back/images/figure2.gif "WHEE! I have Nerf genitalia!" http://neurobranches.chez.tiscali.fr/images/imagessn/imagesens/dermatomes.jpg Even little boys have their dermatomes: http://www.rch.org.au/anaes/media/derm1small.gif "I'm so confused by my feelings towards my manboobs!" http://www.christopherreeve.org/images/client/Dermatomes275.gif This artist had to make him male but really didn't want to have to think about drawing a penis or anything near a penis: http://www.anatomie-humaine.com/neuroa/images/(42).gif Here's another neutered guy with a male head, trying not to scream "Ow, my dozens of nipples!" http://carecure.rutgers.edu:16080/spinewire/Articles/SpinalLevels/ASIA_Dermatomes.gif (..."Any anal sensation (Yes/No)" is the hot new catchphrase of the week.) Here's where the dermatomes are on your primitive robot butler: http://www.clinicalexam.com/pda/n_ref_dermatomes.htm I think this is a woman, except for the penis. It's hard to tell on this radiation scan. SUBJECT 1138 PREFIX THX // WAN