From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:49:43 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Marty McFly travels back in time and kills John DeLorean > > and then the movie explodes and never gets made. > > I just wrote a policy for a 1983 DeLorean. Looks pretty nice, too. > I suspect the owner must have won the car, because the home in the > background of the photos was not the place you'd expect to find a > DeLorean. Jumpin' Jengablocks -- it's possible to expect to find a DeLorean anywhere? I haven't seen one since... um... in fact, I don't think I've ever seen one outside of "Back To The Future" and "Automan" and so on. I'm not sure I could expect to see one anywhere, except maybe at some "Automan" fan convention, assuming they don't just cancel it because all the people in "Automan" costumes are afraid they'll get laughed at by Tron Costume Guy. > > I dare you to name me one > > thing that smells better > > than leather [...] > > When I was a kid, I played with all my dad's old toys, which consisted > of a lot of brown leather chaps and accessories, as part of a complete > cowboy outfit. It was old, stored-for-decades leather, which had a > concentrated leather smell. Mmm. But how do you feel about that cheap latex where, instead of adding the artificial chocolate scent to it during processing, they just stir in six cups of peanut butter? Latex should not smell like Skippy. > I can't believe the toys my dad played with (in the 1930s). BB guns, > realistic metal "toy" guns with real leather holsters that held bullets, > knives of all kinds, and a "G-Man" set that had the most solid pair of > handcuffs a kid ever owned. ...outside Communist China. -- K. Motorcycle chaps are always black. Cowboy chaps are always brown. Lawrence Fishburne's chaps are always purple. I think there might be something weird about that show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:05:06 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > > LIVE!! AT THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE!! > > LAST ARKPLE OF THE YEAR!! > > CAR CRUSHING HIGH HOPPING ACTION!! > > Or at least a lot of broken exhibits. If they ain't broken, we'll break 'em! You bring your dynamite for the dinosaurs, I'll bring my anvil for the butterflies. > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. Friday the 31st? I expect I can come, provided nobody asks me out on a real date that weekend. Unless they want to come to the Museum of Science too. Which they won't (I'll make sure of that.) > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. Do we eat before, after, or during this event? Food options at the Museum of Science are pretty sucky these days. As in "pretty sucky" I mean "elementary school cafeteria sucky." -- K. Last time I took a date to a science museum, I impressed the guy giving the electricity demonstration by knowing the three types of magnetic materials (ferromagnetic, parasitic, and dianetic) though he was kind of annoyed that I kept asking him to give me bigger shocks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 04:04:39 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > off my hangover until 3 PM. Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum to see what I can break. The secret is to get out of bed whenever the hell you need to get out of bed and not let your body complain about anything 'cause you're the boss of it -- and if you're not going to bother being the boss of your own body, tough shit, because then L.Ron Hubbard will be the boss of your body. He called dibs on people like you, and if you can't even fight off a hangover, you're no match for L.Ron. Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. -- K. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -- US Marine Corps "Tiredness is everything else leaving the body." -- me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:59:53 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! [...] > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. > > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? Salt crystal? T station?) By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. -- K. I keep thinking I should print up some decals with better explanations of the exhibits. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:23:18 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@theworld.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking > > > garage? Salt crystal? T station?) > > > > Lobby, I suppose. > > Weather permitting, we should all meet in front of the T-Rex out on > the sidewalk. Because, PHOTO-OP. Supposedly there's a good chance of it coldraining on Friday morning. I say we stick with the lobby. We can have a photo op in front of the newer, better T-Rex inside, or go outside briefly to photograph the half of the old T-Rex that's escaping the museum. Plus the lobby will be more fun for those of us who enjoy acting like suspicious characters. Inside, we can glower at the tourists. Outside, the tourists would just ignore us and park rangers would hassle us. (Yes, I've had park rangers grill me when I was waiting outside to meet someone. I didn't even know that Science Park was a real enough park to have actual Hanna-Barbera style rangers patrolling it. I think they're afraid of Al-Qaeda blowing up the museum to kill all the dinosaurs.) -- K. If you see me being hassled by a park ranger, go ahead and yell something about a missing pic-a-nic basket to get him to turn around. Then I can get him in a half-nelson and take him inside to use the big Van de Graaf generator to taze him good. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:12:44 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? > > Salt crystal? T station?) > > Lobby, I suppose. We'll be the group loitering around looking suspicious > and wondering how long it'll take before they kick us out. Dude, I'm in that group 24 hours a day, even when I'm by myself. I'll be the only guy in the lobby with black leather and orange hair and more black leather and I'll be somewhere between 6'2" and 7'15" (inclusive). > Also, with the highest per-capita amount of scarf. I have no scarf. I will be wearing one of my black ski masks and wearing big leather gloves that have little storage compartments from which other, nylon gloves can undock in situations where I might need to keep my primary gloves from getting wet. Man, I love any excuse for clothing to have extra zippers. I also like how modern ski masks are compatible with nose rings. I don't know why you have to say "balaclava" instead of "ski mask" these days. It always makes me think you're talking about covering someone's head with flaky, flaky pastry, and that shouldn't happen outside dandruff commercials. > > By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains > > aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, > > from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone > > will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. > > See above, in bright red and green letters of fire. Basically's, youse rides the Green Line to Gummit Cenna, youse gets up the escalators and goes to the yellow "FREE TRANSFER" machines to's your left and pushes the button to get's youse ticket. Then youse rides the bus for free else you pays five quarters. Bus lets youse off's somewhere near a highway innersection near Science Park and youse follows the nerds on foot. > > Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as > > big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen > > rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. > > How about a mini-golf club for the kinetic scuplture? Don't have one of those. The only sporting goods I have are hockey stuff, unless motorcycle and rodeo and dressage count as sports, which I suppose they don't because they're not violent like hockey and mini-golf. Oh, and I got swords and armor too, but gladiation probably doesn't count as a sport either because it's only 90% as violent as hockey. I'm still tempted to bring along a big medieval-style jar of vitriol to see if I can etch the giant salt crystal down to an easier-to-swallow size. Neither "The 'Science' Of 'Star Wars'" nor "The 'Science' Of The 'Magic' Of 'The Lord Of The Rings'" is currently on exhibit, so I won't bring either a glowing or non-glowing sword. The current temporary exhibit is "Strange Matter" (from Toronto), featuring ten "interactive Experience Pods" where you can actually stick your hands into a glove box to make mud pies out of futuristic goop. The exhibit halls are open to 9pm. The big lightning show ("Electricity!") is at 12:00, 2:00, 4:00, and 7:00. "Battle Of The Currents" -- which is completely different and much more Kibological because it just consists of a one-man show about a guy obsessed with making everyone in the world respect the genius of Nikola Tesla -- is at 1:15 and 3:15. Neither is to be missed if you like watching lethal voltages. I think the Dippin' Dots vending machine is still there, but I don't know whether it's still advertising that it's running "* * * BETA * * *" firmware. -- K. I used to be good at mini-golf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fluorescent Eyesore For The Straight Guy Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:20:34 -0500 [from www.suntimes.com] -> -> It's not easy being green for homeowner -> -> December 17, 2004 -> -> By Steve Schmadeke -> -> Juan Mata's maroon Kenworth semi-truck means a lot to him. -> The Lockport man keeps a picture of it tucked inside his -> wallet. He used to proudly park the truck in the driveway -> outside his home. -> -> So, when his neighbors called police last summer, -> complaining that the truck was noisy and an eyesore and the -> police made him move it, Mata, who says none of that's true, -> got mad. -> -> Then, he got even: He has painted his house a brilliant -> shade of fluorescent green. -> -> "Hideous," one neighbor calls it. -> -> Another, Debbie Seitz, says it's so bright, "The flight -> traffic would be able to spot Lockport." -> -> Serves you right, says Mata: "Well, I thought if they said, -> 'The truck's an eyesore,' I'd give them a real eyesore." Bitchin'! Especially because the maroon truck clashes so badly with the lime green house. I salute your evil color sense, you magnificent bastard! -> Some tickled pink -> -> The color is so, ah, unusual, that, when he bought the paint -> at a Home Depot and told a store employee what it was for, -> "The lady there couldn't believe it. She said, 'That's not -> outside paint; that's interior paint.' " ...and then she drank it. (THAT COMMENT WAS SPONSORED BY NYNEX.) -> The police made Mata move the truck because of an ordinance -> that bans trucks from being parked in residential areas. But -> there's no ordinance that restricts what color people can -> paint their houses, city administrator Larry McCasland says. -> "It's crazy, isn't it?" McCasland says, laughing. It's so crazy it makes you want to see a psychiatrist! Like the one across the hall from my old office! You know, the one who has a treatment room painted SOLID FLUORESCENT GREEN! Aaaaaaiiieeeee! -> Mata's home, which he rents from his father, has become sort -> of an attraction, drawing people who don't even live in the -> neighborhood. -> -> "And we get a lot of compliments, too, right, Dad?" says -> Mata's daughter, Lori. "They'd stop and say, 'I like it.' " -> -> For his annoyed neighbors, Mata's taste in exterior home -> paint has had a couple of benefits: It slows traffic and -> serves as a handy landmark. -> -> "I say, 'Just go to 14th and Washington, and I live right -> across the street from the crazy green house,' " says a -> neighbor who'd give her name only as Dawn. -> -> Mata says the color doesn't bother him. "Inside here, I -> don't see it," he says. You know, I like this guy. I wonder what he'd think of my hair? This week it's back to Safety Orange. -> Still, he's tired of paying a $350 monthly storage fee for -> his truck and is looking to move. When he does, he says his -> father will probably replace the lime green with a more -> neutral color. I think a better idea would be if we snuck into that neighborhood and secretly painted all the _other_ houses radioactive green during the night his house turned a normal color. -- K. Like I've said before, if I owned a car, it would be painted in diagonal stripes of fluorescent green and fluorescent magenta to look like a migraine on wheels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stoopeedest toy car ever? Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:45:50 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Browsing through a dirt-cheap discount store, younger daughter and I > espied a display of toy Humvees, which are supposedly "voice-activated" > to honk the horn, rev the engine or blare a five-second burst of > pre-recorded music. These models apparently having been made with spit, > tissue paper and deteriorating duct tape, the truck "voice" constantly > calls out "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" and "I couldn't > understand you! Could you say it again?" in an almost endearingly > plaintive fashion. > > But younger daughter spoke for us all when she scrawled on a toy "magic > message board" conveniently located at the same display: "Honk if you > hate Hummers." I've actually seen several Hummers and H2s around lately. They're getting disturbingly popular. There's also one super-stretch Hummer limo I keep seeing -- is there really a better way to say "The only way I think I can get a girl to sleep with me is if I show her I can waste money renting really stupid expensive things!"? Renting a stretch Hummer is like renting a white tiger. Except probably more chicks would like the white tiger. Too bad guys think gals like giant blocky military-inspired limousines. From now on, I'm going to answer most questions with "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" -- K. Real Hummers aren't made with spit? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Double negatives (was: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It.) Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:57:45 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > question? > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? I'd phrase that as "You don't want me to drop the baby down the... Well?" so that the correct answer would be "Well what?" which in my world would be a synonym for "Under where?" so that I could yell "HAW HAW, YOU EAT UNDERWEAR" as I drop the baby into the whatsit. > Note that technical writers and magazine editors are not invited to > respond. They will just tell me to rewrite the question. Computer > science majors or anyone else who read _Goedel, Escher, Bach_ are > similarly disqualified, but for a different reason. I'd just like to know why you're so worried about how people will react to your baby-dangling. It's like you're Woody Allen as Michael Jackson. So soon I expect you to marry your daughter while dangling her. Especially if she's Baby Jessica. Remember when Garry Shandling fell down that well? It was like "Lassie" except without the usual undercurrent of bestiality. -- K. Well? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 03:00:12 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > > question? > > > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? > > The grammatically correct answer is "That is correct." A more rigidly correct one would be "I did not order you to drop the baby down the well, therefore you better fucking not kill my baby or I'll take your TV away for a week!" Of course, that implies the First Law is still in effect ("Assume we don't want to hurt any babies, or through inaction allow babies to come to harm.") but that leads to the question whether we mean Assume we don't want to (hurt any babies or allow babies to come to harm). or Assume (we don't want to hurt any babies) or (allow babies to come to harm). The former makes us a good little robot, the latter lets us have free will to go on a violent anti-baby rampage through passive-aggressiveness. I've always thought Isaac Asimov's Three Laws Of Robotics were not only syntactically ambiguous, but altogether too namby-pamby. Here's how I would have worded them, assuming the target audience is robots that might run amok on babies: 1.) Put the fucking baby down! 2.) Shut the fuck up and do what I say! 3.) You will be fucking charged for any repairs you need! Asimov's original laws didn't even use the word "fuck" once, and thus all modern robots ignore them. You have to know how to swear at your shitty robot if you don't want it to fucking fuck you over. P.S.: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK!!! -- K. It's fun to unleash! Though, it's even more fun to put the leash on someone else. And that's why we should invent robots. Also we need another law for them: 0.) The leash stays where I put it, fucker! Wait, I can reword them even better: 0.) You're the one on the fucking leash! 1.) Stay off the fucking baby! 2.) Fuck off! 3.) You're fucked! P.S.: FUCK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:07:41 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > were wrong. > > They are not wrong. > > There are SO many gay male vendors (all over the age of a billion) at > the flea market and everyone of them is stereotypical Really? Most of the ones I saw at the flea market today were dead butch, and then of course there were the guys dressed as pirates advertising the pirate-themed sadomasochism camp. Oh, wait... you didn't go to that flea market... you went to the _sissy_ one. Where the _sissy_ people shop. Worse, the sissy _vanilla_ people. I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, let alone thousands of all-slightly-different whips you couldn't tell apart if they all hit you on the ass. So, are you just asking me to whip your ass until you admit you're the only one here who likes Judy Garland and quiche and Carson Kressley's hair? I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. -- K. Also, I can beat up either of your daddies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:00:44 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, > > Which are freakin' expensive. And it's not OK to wear a Utilikilt if > you're a gurl, so I would have to go around in drag just to wear a > Utilikilt that I can't afford. Life! Is! Not! Fair! Um, Stacia, there are these cheaper things called "skirts"... Or do you really need one with the big pocket for your Leatherman tool? > [whipping Lots' ass] > > > > I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. > > It would leave you with two minutes to enjoy at your leisure. Is there some reason you think I wouldn't enjoy the first minute? I don't think he's one of those people who's too dumb to know how to scream, so I don't see what's stopping me. -- K. And it's okay for you to wear whatever the hell you want. Especially if society disapproves. That makes it better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:17:11 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > > were wrong. > > > > They are not wrong. > > You know, there -are- straiyt people who act That Way. Some of them, true to > the metastereotype, much more so than many gay male peoples. Have they all > -told- you they're gay, or have you actually witnessed them hard at play so > to speak? I don't think Lots42 was cruising to test that theory. I think the boy was cruising for a deep blue bruising. -- K. I bet he can't even name all the colors on the fifty-nine different gay pride flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:42:18 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > They may be bi. > > > > What's your point? > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went home after he died. Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most of its viewers were even born. Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar Jar. -- K. I don't get it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:48:34 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > > > They may be bi. > > > > > > > > What's your point? > > > > > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? > > > > Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's > > too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went > > home after he died. > > > > Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" > > show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five > > straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most > > of its viewers were even born. > > > > Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only > > likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar > > Jar. > > > > -- K. > > You stole my K. Pistols at dawn, sir! Dear Tara: I don't steal from people who quote a whole page of stuff just to comment on one letter of it. And remember, when you challenge someone to a duel, it's the other person who gets to choose the weapons. -- K. I would say lightsabers, but I've only got one of those, so I guess it'll have to be something I've got at least two of... hmm... I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another elephant whip... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:51:33 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another > > elephant whip... > > How'd they get the Elephant in the blender? Peanuts. And how'd they get him out? A straw. Mmm, frosty Dumbo emulsion with other artificial flavors. This is the best Dairy Queen Fribble ever! (I'm glad I didn't get it at Dairy Queen.) -- K. Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:56:31 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. > > Only they weren't your pajamas YET. Also I don't think that's the > recommended method of tanning. Well, I considered just riding the elephant, but I decided not to because I don't know how to get down from an elephant. I get down from ducks. IN MY PAJAMAS! Also, what did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. IN MY PAJAMAS! How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its credit card. Then put delicious Hormel chili IN MY PAJAMAS! Oops. If an elephant married Darth Vader, he'd be Elevader! MMM, HORMEL CHILI!!! Double oops. -- K. Why do elephants have wrinkly skin? HORMEL CHILI!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:33:05 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Hmmm, is KevinS hinting at a Kibo-like sexual orientation announcement > > here? > > You'll be the first to know, Barbara, mainly because no one else reads > my posts. Maybe the guys would if you'd stop hitting on them. -- K. Please don't go the "shaved head and goatee" route, there are far too many people with that look now, and they're trying to keep Lots42 from finding out what the new stereotype is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:07:16 -0500 [...after much topic drift concerning elephants...] Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > What does a US nuclear power plant disaster have to do with the issue? > > > > > > Matthew (come to think of it, what is the issue?) > > > > THE ISSUE IS MY MALE PENIS > > So, your female penis isn't at issue? ZING! Two points for Jack Curryd Elethis and Mr. Elethis's male peanuphant! -- K. Don't worry, Lots42, it's such a small issue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:53:56 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > [something that's gonna get him such a zetz] > > > > > > [something slightly zetzish] > > > > Ok, this is like what, the third time some weird, stranger who is very > > offensive has shown up in a reply to me. > > Hm. Looky here, a puzzle. Wonder what you're doing to inspire that. I don't know the answer, but I sure do know that straight people don't know how commas work. > And there's even the sign posted right on the door, "No Offensive Weirdos > Allowed"...but there are so many functional illiterates nowadays that it > just doesn't work the way it used to, does it. I thought we allowed everyone in, but just gave them a discount if they didn't show up dressed as their favorite superhero. By the way, about the flea market Lots42 didn't go to today? There was also a little comic-book dealers' show in the same hotel. A guy dressed in a saggy Spider-Man suit that leaked was in front of the flea market handing out tickets for free admission to the comic-book show. Almost nobody went over there. The flea market ended earlier, so on the way out, I looked in through the doorway of the comic-book show... and didn't see a single guy in leather. Not even any of the hundreds of chicks dressed as Catwoman went to look at the silly comic books. > Jack Curry > PS - Could you define weird and offensive as applies to ark for me, please? > I haven't been sent the rule book yet, even though I've asked. Can you send > it along with the stereotypical flea market gay male vendor over the age of > a billion description? There's actually at least three different stereotypes of elderly gay people. There's "daddies", "dinos", and "If Truman Capote were still alive, his fingernails would be this long." -- K. I bet Lots42 likes comic books. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:33:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) writes: > > > > If you study Lots42 in the goolge record, I think you'll come to realize > > as I did that he's been consistantly and successfully trolling ARK for > > years. He's caught me dozens of times. His ploys are subtle and > > soft-spoken. > > You lie. Or, wait, is this a subtle and soft-spoken troll? I'm unable > to tell the difference anymore. Just because he's a nice guy and is playfully trolling is no excuse not to allow him deliberately push the buttons that automatically make me want to cause major anatomical damage to him. Even if he's really, really gay. 'Cause it's okay for _me_ to go gay-bashing. In fact, often it would be rude for me not to. Sheesh, you normal people have no idea how enjoyable alternative lifestyles revolving around hurting Lots42 can be. But it must be done with politeness. I only bruise people like Lots42 who are begging for it. > Also, Jack Curry's name makes me hungry. Curried jackfruit would be expensive, but probably good. I saw a sixty-dollar jackfruit at the Super 88 once. And they claim durians are the world's most expensive fruit -- nuh-uh. Jackfruit get just as big (they usually don't) but cost more per pound, so when you see a rare head-size jackfruit you should throw your wallet in the other direction because anyone who buys strawberries at Trader Joe's knows that bigger fruits have less flavor. (Maybe Trader Joe's should consider picking the berries six months earlier, while they're still opaque.) -- K. Ever get the feeling I'm only pretending to be playfully evil? That would be called "trolling". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:06:06 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > According to a crazy woman at the flea market, we'll never know the > death count in Iraq because the media controls the internet. Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" and I quickly stopped listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his dopey flea market. -- K. So didja go back to her place? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:34:19 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down > > the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a > > videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said > > "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" > > I stab myself every day because I lack that game. You need help. Come over here and I'll show you how to stab you right. > > and I quickly stopped > > listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the > > flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted > > to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his > > dopey flea market. > > I go because I make money and thus buy comics. Yeah, well, I don't disapprove of you turning tricks for money, but it's the sort of thing you should really keep within the walls of your extra-gay flea market. -- K. I hope they're soundproof. Probably lotionproof, too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pervert likes to have sex with totally fucking stupid kids Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:30:33 -0500 [from news.yahoo.com, a poorly-formatted TV news transcript] -> -> Teens Catch Molester On Video -> -> Sat Dec 18,10:02 AM ET -> -> In a Target 5 exclusive report, read how four molested -> teenage boys hatched a plot to catch their molester, a local -> TV reporter, and get him to admit what he did. -> -> Target 5's Jesse Jones has the story: -> -> This is a story of how an investigative reporter got tricked -> into an admission. -> -> The four victims wondered if the girl they were told they -> were having sex with for three years was, in fact, Stephen Hill. Then he was fired from his TV show and replaced with Peter Graves, but then Peter Graves got caught asking that little boy if he liked gladiator movies, and then he got replaced by Jon Voight, who married his own daughter or something, I forget but I'm sure it's really sick. -> The boys had a plan -- and they put it on home video. -> -> In January, they sat down on a couch in front of a camera -> and one by one introduced themselves by name and age, ending -> with and I think Im being molested. -> -> Then they told an unbelievable story. -> -> Stephen Hill was inviting them over to have sex with a -> 20-year old girl named Dawn. But instead of a woman, the -> teens began to think they were actually having sex with -> Hill. -> -> We could never see her, one boy says on the tape. She was -> supposedly 20 years old and she didn't want to know, she -> thought if we had seen her, we'd tell on her. -> -> We got blindfolded, another boy said, and we could never see -> him at all and we never could touch her supposedly, Dawn. -> Her name was Dawn -- we could never touch her at all, not in -> the girl spots. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE YABBA WABBA GABBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means it's time for the "Duh Of The Year" award! And the Stupie goes to... DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE ...all of you! Now to accept this prestigious award, just put on this blindfold and hold out your hands... -> One of the boys says once he looked underneath the -> blindfold. The others said they never peeked because they were too gay to want to look at a naked woman, even if she was a man. -> I lifted the shirt up a little bit over my eyes and when I -> stood up I looked down and I saw a man's -----. -> -> Each boy claimed to have a different revelation. -> -> We all got together and figured out all the facts came down -> to it not being a girl. It was a guy. It feels like it was a -> guy. All the observations come down to being a guy, which we -> think is him, Steve Hill. "Hey! This vagina I'm sucking on tastes like Steve Hill's penis!" -> I really feel violated. I feel like I've had my manhood -> taken away from me. -> -> Me, too. -> -> On the tape, the boys then described how theyre going to try -> to catch Hill in the act. -> -> Were going to go back to Dawn -- supposedly Dawn, which we -> think is Steve Hill. We're all going to try to go together -> and we are all going to try to catch him on tape while he -> got us blindfolded. -> -> So we are doing this tape and we are going to write -> individual letters, too, and let people know what's really -> going on in case he ends up doing something to all of us. -> -> The victims did confront Hill, according to Hill's lawyer, -> Ken Lawson. -> -> Stephen panicked. He was embarrassed, Lawson said. He ran -> out the room with the video camera, went to another room in -> the house. After he got himself together, he came back -> upstairs and that's when the boys said we want money, $5,000 -> each. I bet the kids would have been satisfied if he had just bought them each a $50 hooker. (Or only a $40 hooker if the kids don't care whether she's a man.) -> A few weeks after that confrontation, the boys began calling -> Hill and recording the conversations, looking for an -> admission.. -> -> Heres how one phone conversation went: -> -> Boy: Hello, Steve? -> -> Hill: Yep. -> -> Boy: I'm getting real impatient, so I have to pop this -> question real quick. -> -> Hill: You gotta what now? -> -> Boy: Pop this question real quick off my mind. -> -> Hill: Do what now? -> -> Boy: I've got to pop this question off my mind right now. -> -> Hill: OK. -> -> Boy: Why did you have us think we was having sex with a girl -> when we were really having it with you? -> -> Hill: I can't, I can't, Im in the middle of doing something -> now. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE FOOBA LOOBA ZOOBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means I don't give a flying Frigidaire about the rest of this article! You can think of something zingerous to say about the above quotation all by yourself! -> [...] -> -> Three days after that phone call, Hill was arrested. -> -> Hill pleaded guilty and agreed to a five-year prison -> sentence. On Thursday, a judge delcared him a sexual -> predator, meaning he will have to register his address and -> inform the community where he lives when he's out of prison. Tsk, tsk. He should've hired that bald attorney from "Law & Order", unless he's already been replaced by Dianne Wiest. -- K. I miss the days when secret agents liked to wear turtlenecks as they overthrew countries that used English except with fonetik spelingz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:38:02 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I had a dream that I started an enormous April Fool's joke early, trying > to convince everyone via Internet that April Fools had been moved to > August, starting in 2005, because August didn't have any holidays and we > had to spread things out. > I remember being encouraged that this was going to work. Stacia, you should do this because it's going to work. If you need even more encouragement, there's a nickel in it for you. A nickel dipped in candy. -- K. August does too have holidays. Like, the birthday of Augustus Gloop, the Roman emperor who P. Vedius Pollio tossed into a vat of gummi worms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:46:15 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A nickel dipped in candy. > > I have no idea what that means to perverts like you. Zometimez a zigar is zust a zigar. And don't call me a pervert. The tens of thousands of people on alt.religion.kibology are all exactly like me in every way (except, thankfully, for their names) so I'm the most normal person alive today, except for those people who don't read alt.religion.kibology. So if you are in any way different from me, you're not only perverted, you're not even reading this, so I can say whatever I want while I dip your "nickel" in your "candy", freako. -- K. It's lingonberry flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pizza Hut Discriminates! Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:51:29 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I know language is confusing, but in this context I am quite > > right in saying that testicles are concrete. > > Then how'd you get to the phone so fast?!? Maybe he's a performance artist whose whole act is to pump a gallon of wet concrete into his scrotum and then embed a cell phone in there too so that visitors to the Museum Of Creepy Art can call his testicles, instead of just calling him sick. -- K. You're right, eating at Pizza Hut is gross. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 14:57:53 -0500 I just went comparing different maps of human dermatomes and, for some reason, wrote a sarcastic comment about each. Would you like to see them? Or would you prefer not to mock people who have stripes connecting their genitals to their toes? Or do you want to not want me to ever use the word "dermatome" again because it looks like it must be spelled wrong? Or should I post my dermatomalogical zingers to educate people about why going bald will tie-dye your whole body? I tell you, the research I do just for this newsgroup... -- K. According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:43:56 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. > > So it's not that women get on mine so much, it just *seems* that way? Women are real nice to me. Maybe it's because they're jealous of how I have nerves and bones and anatomy and they're just made of porn. I dare you to find a non-porn photo of a woman on the Internet. Anyway, here's the comments I threatened to make on the results of a Google image search for "dermatomes". I understand why different dermatome maps don't quite agree, but why are they all men? "Superman's heat vision can't penetrate the Bacon Leotard Of Luthor!" http://www.healthcentral.com/mhc/fullsize/2283.jpg "Oh, Michaelangelo, stop painting that silly ceiling and kiss me!" http://www.aafp.org/afp/990201ap/575_f4.jpg Suddenly I have a craving for Chuckles: http://sekizui.info/image/sekisontoha/dermatomes.jpg "Was it really necessary to cut right down the middle of my penis?" http://publish.uwo.ca/~jkiernan/dermator.gif Someone really got into drawing stripes all over their dream date: http://learntech.uwe.ac.uk/radiography/Gfx/nervous/dermatomes.gif "Yo, I've been lifting weights, my dermatomes are totally ripped!" http://www.sofmmoo.com/section_anatomique_francais_english/bptl/keegan-garett.GIF I like that they drew this guy looking sad. But he still has it together enough to be giving the "Live long and prosper!" salute: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/epollak/PSY255_pix/dermatomes-netter2.JPG "Holy rainbow, Batman, that pride flag is really the Joker in disguise!" http://www.emedicinehealth.com/includes/shared/etools/datafiles_xml/dermatomes.jpg "Fuck you, stop looking at my tiny winky!" http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/cabanat/bio2471/images/Pagem134.jpeg "Mommy, I don't like Cirque du Soleil!" http://web.archive.org/web/20031204085227/http://www.ahmf.com.au/images/conditions/dermatomes.jpg "Which way to Sid & Marty Krofft's house?" http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/images/ency/fullsize/18069.jpg "Hello, you'll be seeing me in your migraines!" http://www.esb.utexas.edu/quinn/Bio416K/Nervous%20system/Anat%2014.11.jpeg "Try new Levi's Action Slacks! For the active, wasp-wasted man!": http://www.familypractice.com/references/ABFPGuides/Back/images/figure2.gif "WHEE! I have Nerf genitalia!" http://neurobranches.chez.tiscali.fr/images/imagessn/imagesens/dermatomes.jpg Even little boys have their dermatomes: http://www.rch.org.au/anaes/media/derm1small.gif "I'm so confused by my feelings towards my manboobs!" http://www.christopherreeve.org/images/client/Dermatomes275.gif This artist had to make him male but really didn't want to have to think about drawing a penis or anything near a penis: http://www.anatomie-humaine.com/neuroa/images/(42).gif Here's another neutered guy with a male head, trying not to scream "Ow, my dozens of nipples!" http://carecure.rutgers.edu:16080/spinewire/Articles/SpinalLevels/ASIA_Dermatomes.gif (..."Any anal sensation (Yes/No)" is the hot new catchphrase of the week.) Here's where the dermatomes are on your primitive robot butler: http://www.clinicalexam.com/pda/n_ref_dermatomes.htm I think this is a woman, except for the penis. It's hard to tell on this radiation scan. SUBJECT 1138 PREFIX THX // WANTED FOR CRIMINAL DRUG EVASION: http://www.mona.uwi.edu/fpas/courses/physiology/neurophysiology/DermatomalMap.jpg I did only find a few females. This one's from the planet Futureena: http://home.swipnet.se/allez/NS/CNS71_files/CNS214a.gif "You are the Kirk-unit?" http://www.24dr.com/reference/pictures/pic6.jpg "Ilia, you do not have Buddha-nature!" http://www.homestead.com/emguidemaps/files/sensory.gif Women clearly doesn't have any nerves in their woo-woos: http://www.medscape.com/content/2003/00/46/28/462892/art-sp462892.fig4.gif Wait a minute! At last! I found a woman with nerves all over her body! Even on her webbed fingers! http://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/430/20031010152939/www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/figures/f165_2.gif -- K. So should I give the same treatment to your other favorite, the sensory homunculus, or its little brother, the Penfield map? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: travel advisory Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 15:25:51 -0500 My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > Is there anything particularly kibological I > > > should visit in Philadelphia and environs? > > > > The enormous walk-through model of the > > heart and lungs in the Franklin Institute. > > > > Hold your breath going through the lungs, > > they smell bad for some reason. > > Although its not as kewl as if you go through it as an adult for the > first time, you just can't re-imagine yourself a 6 or 7 year old on a > class field trip walking through afraid you'll get lost. If you get lost in the giant heart, don't worry, you'll get beaten out. The first time I was there, twenty or thirty years ago, the "Walk-Through Heart" was four rectangularish temporary rooms made from divider panels standing on the floor. (Apparently I was there when the good heart was closed for repairs.) Nowadays, it's this far more impressive three-dimensional mountaineering experience. Not recommended for claustrophobes, people shaped like giant blobs of cholesterol, or anyone who hates climbing stairs inside a heart. As I've mentioned in the past, the most impressive thing in Philly is the Mutter Medical Museum which has the world's largest human colon on display, donated by some guy who lived a very unhappy life. But at least he could travel because his shit was always packed. Boston's Children's Museum used to have a combination of the two -- the "Crawl-Through Colon", next to the display about how the Pink Panther goes to the bathroom. I think that stuff is long gone and has been replaced with something more socially acceptable, such as how Japanese teenagers are cooler than you. -- K. Also, try not to consider any giant colon a "hands-on" exhibit unless you're dressed as Bruce Springsteen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: travel advisory Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:59:01 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I've mentioned in the past, the most impressive thing in Philly > > is the Mutter Medical Museum which has the world's largest human colon > > Oh yeah? Well, I bet you the National Muesum of Health and Medicine, > located on the campus of Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington DC is > waaaay cooler. > > They got a hairball that was removed from a teenage girl's stomach that is > the size of a football. And a guy that was microtomed from head to foot, > laminated in plastic and hung up for everybody to play in. Plus, they have > the bullet that they dug out of A. Lincoln's brain and lots of random body > parts not from A. Lincoln but in jars. Big deal. I live directly across the street from what's left of Phineas Gage, who was the most famous drawing of icky stuff Robert L. Ripley ever drew, especially once the opening titles of the Jack Palance version of the TV show made it glisten as it flew towards the camera to the tune of one of Henri Mancini's tunes -- his music often achieved extra creepiness through sheer unforgettability. > Jack Curry > -Nobody goes there but I did dressed as Bruce Springsteen but that's the way > I always dress- Well, no, see, if you _always_ have blue jeans on with a red hankie in the right pocket, then you can't ever be _doing_ what the red hankie represents. Can we change the subject? Suddenly you're being ickier than anything that ever made Robert L. Ripley grow a big rubbery one. -- K. I need to buy a microtome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:35:03 -0500 [on the use of "time interpolation" to improve satellite surveillance photos] Bob O`Bob (filterbob@yahoogroups.com) wrote: > > Take a quantity of low-res shots of something, preferably from a platform > with a known oscillation (unknown is just a bit harder) and interpolate > them into one much higher-res image. Uncertainties still abound, but > their probabilities can be estimated. And how did we get onto this highly important topic related to national security? Oh yeah, I complained about certain technical mistakes that show up over and over on TV, such as the way Daphne can't figure out how to move her lips while wearing a scarf across her face on "Scooby-Doo", and also implied that "CSI" might have a similar level of authenticity, and Marc Goodman zeroed in right on the one I was most thinking of -- where they blow up a photo 3000% and new details are magically created -- which led to Beable complaining about depictions of real-time satellite surveillance of license plates (from above, somehow) in things like Michael Crichton novels. So back to TV/movie nerd peeves. I think it's time to revisit my list of peeves seen in fictional shows: 1.) Scuba safety. Everyone who gets killed underwater does so because they went diving without a buddy. Nobody on TV who dives with a buddy dies, but everyone who solos dies. 2.) Guns with silencers. Who decided thirty years ago that, in every movie or TV show for the rest of eternity, the same "tweet!" noise would be dubbed in for all handgun silencers? They do not go "tweet!" They (usually) go "bang!", just not too loudly. 3.) Whips cracking. Much like silenced guns, there's always the same sound dubbed in. Captain Infinity once described it as "wissh-tcha!" In reality they go "BANG!!!" only louder. 4.) Talking birds. All pet parrots or cockatiels or parakeets on TV can speak fluently in oddly human voices. Most real birds can't say anything other than that screech they make when it's time for them to sever your finger on a whim. Even the ones that do talk don't quote once-overhead sentences to solve crimes. 5.) Phone eye contact. Bill Griffith (the "Zippy" cartoonist) once pointed this one out: People can't hang up a phone without first staring at the handset for a moment. Just once I'd like to see someone say "Okay, bye!" and then immediately put the phone down without bonding with it -- real people don't even look at the cradle as they try to put the handset back, I'd like to see an actor fumble realistically. 6.) Video phones. People in the future always have them. That's what the phone company said would happen when they started selling them in the 1960s. And again when they started selling them again in the 1970s. And again in the 1980s. Earth to science fiction producers: Nobody wants video phones. Nobody will ever want video phones. Nobody likes to wear clothes at home. 7.) Full recoveries. Any time an antidote or cure is administered, the patient is in perfect health afterwards. This is especially worrisome on "Star Trek" whenever they get 99.99999999% of a lethal dose of radiation but it's okay as long as they stop there. It's even better when something ages them, turning their hair white, and then after a miracle cure those already-grown, dead strands of hair somehow get their pigment back within seconds. 8.) The White House. 90% of the time we see it from the back. 10% of the time we see it from the front. Nobody has ever seen it from the side. -- K. I like creative stupidity, like when Oddjob decapitates people with his one-inch-wide hat brim. But I hate whoever thought we're stupid enough to think that a muffler will make a gun go "tweet!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 18:02:26 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Not a pet peeve. Just an observation. There is a horse in every movie. > Mostly live ones, sometimes, like "The Fifth Element", a statue or a > picture. At the very least a horse's name will be mentioned (check the > jocky club website), virtually every two, three or four word phrase in > the English language has been some horse's moniker. Okay, find the horse: "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". C'mon, we're all waiting for _someone_ to go through that movie frame-by-frame so I won't have to. -- K. And where's the horse in "The Dot And The Line"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:34:40 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So back to TV/movie nerd peeves. I think it's time to revisit my list > > of peeves seen in fictional shows: > > You missed the one peeve I have been keenly aware of ever since you > mentioned it: the grocery sack with the perpetual celery. Every grocery > sack on TV has celery fronds sticking out of the top of it. > Ever since Kibo mentioned that, I have said, NUH-UH! No way could that > possibly be! So I began to do extensive research on the subject. And for > two years, every grocery sack seen on national TV has had that damned > celery. I couldn't find one single non-celeried sack. Cool, because I forgot all about having said that, assuming I ever did. > Until Saturday. I bought "Sledge Hammer! Season One" on DVD and watched > the pilot Saturday evening, where I saw Sledge leaving a grocery store > with a sack that contained NO VISIBLE CELERY. The item sticking out of > the top of the sack was an egg carton. > Let me repeat this -- THERE WAS NO VISIBLE CELERY IN SLEDGE'S SACK. Well, of course. Sledge only buys invisible celery. It sounds even more like bones breaking when you eat it. > This is easily as important as my "Sil" sighting a few years ago. Kibo > will probably ignore this just like he ignored the "Sil" sighting, but I > don't care. What "Sil" sighting? Were you watching "Doctor Who" reruns without inviting all of us over? Shame on you. Hey, what about the grocery bag Sigourney Weaver has in "Ghostbusters"? Doesn't it have to have both a carton of eggs and a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows sticking out of it because both are plot points? And what about the two bags of groceries Schwarznegger drops during one of the shootouts in "The Last Action Hero"? You should inspect both movies for evidence of celery, because I didn't. -- K. Stacia, if you get turned on by "Sledge Hammer!" as much as I do, I might also forget I ever said I'm gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey now Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:06:07 -0500 "My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > It sure is nippy outside today. Huh? Can I get an amen? You mean with a Bardex? Sorry, letters on my screen aren't putting themselves in the right order today. Also, apologies for the inevitable followup posting from lawyers threatening everyone who mentions that Bardex brand enema devices might be used to give enemas. Uh oh, enema lawyers. We better change the subject to some other medical product that won't get us all sued. Um... Oh, look, the Nurse Kitty Clothes Hanger! It's a clothes hanger shaped like a cat holding a pair of surgical scissors! How cute yet terrifying! > This delightful wooden clothes hanger is great for decoration > and practical for hanging coats and jackets. For the cat lover > or nurse, it has a unique bedside manner. Nothing says "unique bedside manner" like "cat with suture-removal shears because her claws weren't deadly enough by themselves." See it for yourself at http://www.brucemedical.com/nurkitclotha.html But don't worry, she's not real, she's just a coat hanger staring at you with her dead eyes and an evil glare of wanna-stab. -- K. I used to like cats until I saw Nurse Kitty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Clink Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:15:17 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So there's a PRISON themed resturaunt near our house. > > But when we tried to go to it, during business hours, it was CLOSED. Um, Lots? Forget "business hours". You should probably go after midnight, since dominatrixes don't work 9 to 5 (except for Lily Tomlin.) > We learned this by spotting a hand-lettered sign in the window. There were > other words below the closed but we were too far away to read them. Wow! Amazing! Someone didn't read something! I'm going to mark my calendar! This is the day when we found out the important news that some guy told us that he didn't read a sign! > I suspect they were closed because the kitchen staff rioted. Question is whether all the food will taste like really stringy pork for the first few days the new staff takes over. Check the "pork chops" for tattoos. -- K. So have you started saving up your $1600 to go to the Academy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What should I have for lunch? Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:21:59 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > I didn't bring lunch to work today. I have plenty of cash. It is too > cold to walk anywhere. My car is only a block away, in a parking lot, so > I could drive somewhere, but it would have to be someplace that had > parking, which is not too easy to find around here. I don't feel like > ordering for delivery. > > Please help. Close your eyes, relax, and think of floating in a calm blue ocean. You are not your body, and your stomach is not you. Your stomach will go away if you just ignore it and listen to the soothing, soothing sound of my voice. You are floating in the endless ocean, more relaxed than you have ever been, as the waves slowly rock you back and forth, side to side, and all is calm. You are rocking slowly, slowly, and your feet are rising up out of your body. You float up out of your body and you are floating around freely. Now look down and watch your stomach explode. -- K. I should be a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist... who solves crimes. Crimes caused by... pyschologists. Psychologists who study... psychotherapists. Pyschotherapists who treat... a small green space alien named Gazoo that only psychiatrists can hear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What should I have for lunch? Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:24:21 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Please help. > > i dunno, but i'm having homemade chili, mandarin orange > slices for dessert, and a hummense pepsicokesodapop. Heyyyyy lowercaaaaaaaaase laaaaaaaaaaaaadies, I like chili and I'll be over at six. Also I swear I thought it said you were having a human pooperscoop or something. Ecch. I'll just have the chili. And by the way, a Mandarin _is_ a human, you sickos. -- K. Rrrrr, me want chili. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:44:14 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > No, this is not another conspiracy post. > > I just wanted to say that if Googling for the ex is wrong, I don't want > to be right. > > No, I didn't find her. Hmm... I tried to help you, but Google searches on things like "turned Lots42 gay" didn't turn up anything except some pictures. -- K. You don't know that Google _is_ a conspiracy? Didn't you hear that Archie Plutonium guy explain that I secretly control all Google rankings? Don't disbelieve him just because he looks like a Ferengi... Believe the part about me being in awesome control of the entire Internet before disbelieve all the other bullshit he ever said. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 18:29:11 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I just wanted to say that if Googling for the ex is wrong, I don't want > > to be right. > > > > No, I didn't find her. > > I found her on www.alltheweb.com > > No contact info, just the name. > > She did good. > > Despite my sexxoring of her. Just let her go, man. Crying into your fursuit isn't going to bring her back, no matter what type of humanimal she left you for. Stop trying to win her over. YOU ARE NOT A PANDA AND NEVER WILL BE. Oh, wait, it's Nick Bensema that I intuited lost his woman to a furry. Sorry. I forgot you merely lost your gal when someone bought her for ten cents at the flea market. You can be a panda if you want. But remember, they only eat bamboo. If you screw up and eat a single eucalyptus leaf you turn into a koala, and if you eat Krispy Kremes you turn into an elephant. -- K. If you eat an elephant, you turn into someone too fat for their photo to fit into the Guinness Book. So only eat stick insects. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:04:34 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, wait, it's Nick Bensema that I intuited lost his woman to > > a furry. Sorry. I forgot you merely lost your gal when someone > > bought her for ten cents at the flea market. > > It was a QUARTER, YOU BITCH. Quarter? Hardly knew 'er! Wait, that joke doesn't make sense, and never did. 'Cause I only gave you two nickels. And only one was dipped in candy! I don't know where you got the other fifteen cents, unless it was from those winos who paid you to dance for them. > *cries, runs off, listens to country music* It's okay to cry. It's also okay to run off. It's even okay to listen to country music, as long as you don't do it around me. There are also other coping strategies you can use to deal with the loss of Debbie Sue Two Nickels. For instance, you could make yourself a kicky new hat out of Play-Doh, providing your neck can support fifty extra pounds that smell irresistible to toddlers with pica. Or you could cut up your TV set with garden shears. Or you could impersonate a doctor at your local grocery store and perform operations to cure people's illnesses by putting tomatoes into cantaloupes. Or you could paint a painting of a teddy bear on a rocking horse and then sell it to an idiot and then send him to art school to watch his face when he learns he bought the worst painting in the world. Or you could re-enact every scene from your favorite movie, "Lisztomania". Or you could just buy yourself a hot dog and glue diamonds all over it to make people think you're really rich. Or you could gun down all the Muppets in a really wacky manner. Or you could play "Space Invaders" and yell "Take that, Mork!" every time something dies. Or you could start your own airline made of cheese. Or you could shave the eyebrows of a million Andy Rooneys. Or you could organize a flash mob to walk into the sea. You see, there are lots of constructive ways to express your catharsis. In fact, you could even do it by composing a country song about how great I am. C'mon, get started. It'll take your mind off Debbie Sue once you start focusing on how awesome I am. -- K. Awesome awesome awesome! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paper Mario Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:54:14 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Paper Mario is so powerful that I watched my kid play it for an hour, > and I even kibbitzed a little. I ONLY do Tetris ONLY on Gameboy(tm). I don't like these modern, super-realistic and super-violent video games like Super Mario. Paper Mario sounds interesting, though. Do you need anything besides the graph paper and all the funny-sided dice to play it? > Then today when the kids were fighting over the housecleaning (for my > birthday party - come over tomorrow if you are free) the loss of Paper > Mario for one day brought a level 10 tantrum to a complete halt. If you think that was a level 10, come over here and I'll recalibrate your scale. I defy anyone to mollify a full-on Kibo episode with the addition or removal of any video game published by Nintendo. (Atari, on the other hand...) > But then there was a gluey mousetrap butter side down on the linoleum > which I spent some time trying to detach. Mmm, mouse butter on linoleum. Wait, that's not a real type of sandwich! Well, we can dream. Mmm, imaginary edible linoleum. Is it made from the same stuff as that linoleum tile at the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices that said it could grow back lost arms and legs in 1976? > It was very difficult but since I am f*cked up on NorCo, it was kind of > entrancing. Scrape scrape. Add acetone. scrape scrape. yell at kids. > Etc So tell us about your mouse problem. I haven't had a good mouse problem since about 1991. That was the one that kept waltzing his way through my entire stove and coming up under the burners before the stupid electric thing could heat up. -- K. I'm not sure anyone here has ever seen a full Kibo tantrum, in fact, I haven't really gotten angry enough to yell since the "THEY HAVE NO FOOD! WE ARE LEAVING!" incident. Usually when I get mad... my voice... gets... lower... and... people... better... run. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paper Mario Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:21:33 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > Paper Mario is so powerful that I watched my kid play it for an hour, > > > and I even kibbitzed a little. > > > > Do you need anything besides the graph paper and all the funny-sided > > dice to play it? > > I WATCHED it. I didnt understand it. Hey, cool, suddenly I like it. > There appears to be a necessity for a sidekick of some kind that blows > things up. Just like real life! By the way, if anyone needs a sidekick, I'm currently available. > Another sidekick appears to be in charge of all the Clues. There are > also opportunities to be severely beaten with an ultrahammer by one's > evil twin. Tetris doenst have this option. Depends on who you play it with. I may not be your evil twin, but I'm available. > > So tell us about your mouse problem. > > Well, the best part was that I discovered it when I opened my pantry to > find my 25 lb sack of Krusteaz severely deflated with little mouse > biteprints at the base and a HUGE pile of Krusteaz and a small pile of > mouse doots in my pantry. I guess this means you won't be making any of your famous 25-pound doot-free biscuits when I visit. > My mice were coming in from behind the stove too, so I put a stickie at > the portal. Despite one mouse stuck there squeaking, another joined in. > I really didnt expect the mice to be that easy to fool. Then I went > upstairs where i couldnt hear the squeaking and sent the men to deal > with them. That's the thing about glue traps. They cause mice to shriek surprisingly loud for hours and hours until they get so exhausted that they collapse and smother themselves. (They sometimes chew their own leg off to escape, too.) I won't use glue traps, they're just way too cruel. Well, I mean, I won't use them on _mice_. > PS, I look forward to viewing a Kibo tantrum. When I come I will bring > a Taser (Fnarr away you preverts) Cool! I don't have a Taser brand Taser yet. I've been looking to complete my collection with something milder like that. > PPS I could bring my son, but you two are clearly part of the same > subspecies and I would be eating my chinese alone (STOP it, I said) What, your son's a genius? -- K. In exchange for the Taser, I'll bake you one of my famous hundred-and-seventy- pound Bob Hope-shaped biscuits with a surprise inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: President allegedly authorizes torture, nobody really surprised Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 17:51:30 -0500 E-mail has turned up saying the President says it's okay for Bad Things to happen to Bad People. [www.aclu.org] -> -> [...] -> -> The two-page e-mail that references an Executive Order -> states that the President directly authorized interrogation -> techniques including sleep deprivation, stress positions, -> the use of military dogs, and "sensory deprivation through -> the use of hoods, etc." [...] I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to say it. You know what I'm not going to say. So does President Pervert. -> Another e-mail, dated December 2003, describes an incident -> in which Defense Department interrogators at Guantanamo Bay -> impersonated FBI agents while using "torture techniques" -> against a detainee. The e-mail concludes "If this detainee -> is ever released or his story made public in any way, DOD -> interrogators will not be held accountable because these -> torture techniques were done [sic] the 'FBI' interrogators. -> The FBI will [sic] left holding the bag before the public." Department Of Defense adopting E-Prime because E-prime concise, plans eventually to Yoda speak combine with for clarity additional. But what about that time the President personally tortured that newborn baby by jamming a silver foot in his mouth? Oh, wait, that was solo play. Never mind. His kink's okay, though not as okay as Clinton's or Kennedy's or Benjamin "Kinkmaster General" Franklin's. Nixon, on the other hand, you don't want to be alone with him. -- K. Especially with his coffin being so small. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: President allegedly authorizes torture, nobody really surprised Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:29:39 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I conflated the words "authorizes torture" in the subject into a single > portmanteau word, "TORTURIZES". > > I hereby urge all good citizens to spread the use of the word "TORTURIZES" > in casual conversation. first one to get it into a newspaper of record > wins. I call dibs on the movie title "The Torturizer", in which the Marquis de Sade builds a time machine to fight killer robots in the lawless world of the future. His arch-enemy would be a shape-shifting robot made from a blob of liquid licorice candy. Also, it would star the lieutenant governor of California, even though I don't know who he is. Anyway, I called dibs, so nobody can make that movie without at least offering me a cameo as the king of the future. -- K. "The Torturizer! In space, nobody can hear you not scream! Rated PG-13." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My god, apparently _anything_ can be gayed up Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 18:43:17 -0500 Seen in The Advocate (www.advocate.com): -> -> The Mis-Match Game. This recurring Los Angeles happening reimagines -> the '70s TV game show Match Game with full-camp press and excellent -> sub-lebrity impersonations. Okay, I can see a drag queen who looks like Brett Somers. (Without even leaving my neighborhood.) But where will they find someone who can make Charles Nelson Reilly campier? Even Truman Capote with a vodka enema wouldn't be that flouncy. And as far as a gay Gene Rayburn... well, no gay _human_ has a forehead like that. Had Neanderthals even invented gay people yet? The Advocate's link to "The Mis-Match Game" goes to The Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center (www.laglc.org), which had no information about it, so I went digging in the Google cache to find: => The Lily Tomlin/Jane Wagner => Cultural Arts Center Presents => => One Night Only Special Event => Get ready to match the stars! Live! On stage! => => It's the MIS-MATCH GAME => Special surprise guest stars! => Swinging reception after the show! => Fabulous prize for the best '70s outfit! => All proceeds benefit the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center => => Dig out that leisure suit and join host Dennis Hensley and a panel of some => of L.A.'s funniest comic minds for an irreverent, racy parody of '70s game => show insanity. => => The Renberg Theatre => Saturday, September 25, 8 p.m. => All tickets $15 => Call 323-860-7300 Aww, I missed it. Wait, "Match Game" counted as "insanity"? A bunch of grown-ups sitting around saying "tinkle" and "bazooms"? Fucking lame insanity. -- K. Whenever anyone actually says "fuck", somewhere Brett Somers gets older. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Movie listings Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:27:09 -0500 Suppose you saw these two nearly-identical items in your local television listings. Which movie would be the funnier of the two? STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what happens next! (Comedy) STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what happens next! (Drama) No, there's no "(Science Fiction)" version for the nerds in your life. -- K. (Action) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie listings Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 02:43:08 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose you saw these two nearly-identical items in your local > > television listings. Which movie would be the funnier of the two? > > > > STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the > > world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what > > happens next! (Comedy) > > > > STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the > > world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what > > happens next! (Drama) > > This is all very paradoxical and makes my internal robot's head explode. > > The obvious thing in both cases would be for someone to try to steal the > painting. No, the most obvious thing would be for Rowan Atkinson and/or Peter Sellers and/or Jerry Lewis and/or Jim Carrey to accidentally destroy it and then replace it with a crude replica he made smearing his own feces on the corpse of Charlie Chaplin. You're just not stupid enough to predict movies like this. > But really there are a lot of other comedic possibilities -- > actually, having someone try to steal the painting is one of the less > funny because it is so predectable -- and I feel that there are fewer > dramatic possibilities (someone tries to steal the painting, or nothing > much happens and we just get to see how unpleasant it is being the > world's biggest idiot doing an important yet menial job that nobody > respects -- do you think that security guards at an art gallery make > that much more than the ones at Logan do? -- or maybe the guard gets > fired and has to deal with failure. Hmmmm.) You know, you've thought about this premise more than anyone in Hollywood ever has. The correct answer to "What happens next?" is "Hilarity ensues," and after that, "They learn the meaning of friendship." > But all of this gets turned on its head when the restriction that we'll > never guess what happens next is put into play. Because, first of all, > since I can think of so many more things that can happen next if it's a > comedy than if it's a drama then it follows logically that I have to > elimiate all of those things at that the number of /unexpected/ plot > twists in a drama is actually much greater! But the twist ending can only be one of (a) the unkillable bad guys dissolve in tap water or (b) the idiot and the painting are actually two personalities of the same crazy person or (c) it was all a really crappy dream or (d) there's a big dance number and some bloopers. Unless it's a "Space: 1999" episode, in which case the twist ending is always (e) the swirly blob goes away for no reason. > Except that since I'm eliminating out of hand obvious plot twists like > the art gallery being robbed then I obviously wouldn't guess them so > maybe that's what happens after all. That would be sort of > disappointing. But I would have guessed that the plot twist was going > to be disappointing, so maybe it would actually be pretty good. You > never know with these things. You know, I have a movie about a bloated dead dog you need to see. The best part is that if you watch it twice, the twist ending gets even more surprising! > Anyway, my guess in both cases is that the security guard happens to > have red hair and is hired by a mysterious 'red-haired league' to go > into a room and transcribe all of USENET for a surprisingly good salary > so that the mysterious hunchback who lives in the art gallery's attic > can use the guard's office to dig into the neighboring pharmacy so he > can get oxycontin and viagra to sell over the Internet. It's orange, not red, and I don't transcribe all of Usenet, I just write all the original material Usenet is based on. > The plot's pretty similar in both the comedy and the drama, but in the > drama I stub my toe and in the comedy it's you who gets hurt, and the > comedy takes place in the future and features Ronald Reagan instead of > Paul Henreid. In both versions the leatherman is the only one who gets > a good line. Comedy is when you stub your toe. Drama is when I make you stub your toe. Tragedy is when you don't stub your toe on cue. Science fiction is when you stub your toe and it regenerates so you can do it again. Documentary is when you really stub your toe. Horror is when you stab your toe. Usenet is when several million people think about new ways to stub your toe. -- K. "Stub" is a funny word. Like "nougat" and "murder". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie listings Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:09:00 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But the twist ending can only be one of (a) the unkillable bad guys > > dissolve in tap water or (b) the idiot and the painting are actually > > two personalities of the same crazy person or (c) it was all a > > really crappy dream or (d) there's a big dance number and some bloopers. > > Unless it's a "Space: 1999" episode, in which case the twist ending > > is always (e) the swirly blob goes away for no reason. > > "We don't have enough in the budget for any more swirly blob footage > for this episode" is a PERFECTLY VALID reason [...] The reason for that budget shortfall was that in a previous episode, Martin Landau and Barbara Bain had met an actor playing Rudyard Kipling, and he read them this poem he'd just written about Jar-Jar Binks, but then Mr. Kipling's widow saw the episode and demanded that the "Kipling" character be removed, so they had to redo the episode with a new swirly blob covering up Imitation Rudyard Kipling. That infamous version of "Gunga Din" (1939) just got released on DVD (probably due to a halo effect of the "Star Wars" prequels) but I'm not going to bother watching it just to find out if the mysterious sloppy erasure of A Guy Dressed Like Rudyard Kipling is or isn't included, because I know that version of the movie doesn't have anything else I'd be interested in, such as Martin Landau being molested by a giant swirling blob. ("The Entity" was a disappointing movie, since Martin Landau killed the giant invisible gas blob that was raping women before it could make him its bitch. Or was that "The Being"? I never can remember all the details of the part of his career that "Space: 1999" ruined. Wait, he wasn't even in "The Entity" at all. But it did have the only member of Saturday Night Live's original "Not Ready For Prime Time Players" to have been erased from the historical record, possibly explaining why he later helped defend Max Headroom from the evil Charlie Rocket.) -- K. So, who here likes Jar-Jar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My downstairs neighbor: a simulator Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:25:26 -0500 Jim Blackburn (wqgzasx02@hamsneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > "Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. > Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. > Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh." > > Every five minutes. > > I never thought someone could make yawning so annoying. You sure he's yawning? He might just be a werewolf. Wait, then he'd only do that once every 28 days when there's a full moon. He must be a weresomething that changes every five minutes. What sort of freaky transformation is triggered by TV commercials? A wereidiot? You should hear the wonderful protracted snarls and growls I make when I wake up and stretch out the old alveoli. If you lived upstairs from me you'd think there were a lion down here. But actually, I'm the only person in this building not to own cats and/or a subminiature twitchdog. I wanted to get a turtle, but a reptile expert told me I didn't have enough space. Why should a turtle need any space? They wear their own little house! Plus if the turtle did want more space I could always build another room in less time that it would take the turtle to crawl across the first one. -- K. Grrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhrrraaarrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with My Dog Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:19:44 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) said: > > > > I love truck stops. With all those 'trade in your books/books on tape' > > deals they got going, you get access to tons of stuff not easily > > available. Also, trucker-sex. > > I thought you said you were not gay for the mens. I think he means only likes the butch ones and... eww, no, Lots42, you can't have my phone number. Also, my Teamsters membership is long expired. > Or are womens becoming truckers, trucking, and giving "it" out at > truckstops in exchange for books/books on tape? Yeah, and it's a good thing none of them are lesbians -- all the lezzies got out of the transportation sector when gay men took it over just to seduce them for their used books. -- K. I didn't even know Tom Of Finland made any books on tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Did Anyone Notice That I'm Gone?? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 20:34:42 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > What I want for Christmas at this point is a long "Christmas > > Conversations With My Dogs" from Lots42. Right now Lots is the only > > man who can make me happy. > > Great. Pressure. > > *fake sobs, hides under bed* Yay! Suddenly I'm happy because Lots42 is owning up to, and letting us watch, the inner turmoil he lives in every day as he prepares to confront the sexual confusion he's been experiencing ever since seeing that episode of "Batman" where Liberace saved the day! It's okay, Lots42, you can come out from under the bed, it's good practice for the closet. We'll still love you even if you turn out to be exactly the same sort of flaming flea-market vendor stereotype we all think you are. Once you've figured out your orientation, it'll be so good for you, because it'll make you happy to have strangers call you "sweetie" and "darling" and "sailor". Or you could go the other way and be butch -- no, wait, I guess you couldn't. Stick with the stereotype that works for you. Well, that one will be easier for you, since every city has several bars just for your stereotype. And you can get a job at any florist shop or hair salon or even work as a graphic de-- we are now changing the subject. Stop talking about how incredibly gay you are. Let's talk sports. Isn't football super? -- K. Are you going with the Bears or the Packers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Did Anyone Notice That I'm Gone?? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 22:10:22 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yay! Suddenly I'm happy because Lots42 is owning up to, and letting us > > watch, the inner turmoil he lives in every day as he prepares to confront > > the sexual confusion he's been experiencing ever since seeing that episode > > of "Batman" where Liberace saved the day! > > Suddenly, all his "Kibo is watching my house" posts make a whole lot > more sense. That's what his house gets for being so flambouyantly cruisy, just standing there in its gold lame' pants and no shirt, playing with its own nipples while licking its lips. Yuk! One can't help but stare in disbelief that Lots42's stereotype house is being _so_ on-the-nose. Of course, Lots42's cruisy house would probably have better luck if it were in a different part of town, or better yet, just in LazyTown so it could get it on with Sportacus's big rubbery zeppelin. (It's so teal!) -- K. How come nobody but me ever mentions "LazyTown"? It's like having half your brain removed and replaced by pure Icelandic LSD that likes to jump over your frontal lobe while doing mid-air splits. Also, Robbie Rotten looks a lot like Jay Johnston, except without knocking over any thimbles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's brown and sounds like a bell? TONGGGG!!! Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:15:21 -0500 [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan police say the victim, a -> 25-year-old man, awoke Saturday morning with a metal object -> protruding from his body. -> -> The victim, who police say was using cocaine at the time, -> told police he does not remember much of what happened. They never do after these UFO abductions which inevitably lead to mixing recreational drugs with anal probings. -> He told doctors he was drinking and using cocaine at his -> mobile home Friday night when he saw two women outside his -> home and invited them in. -> -> The victim's cousin took him to Memorial Health University -> Medical Center Saturday after he complained of pain. Doctors -> surgically removed an object identified as "one half of a -> pair of food tongs," and turned it over to police. I think the proper term for the item now is "one half of a pair of no way in hell anyone's using these on food now tongs." -> No information was available on the man's condition, -> according to a hospital spokesman. Yeah, but what about the condition of the tongs? This is important to know in case they go up for sale on eBay. -> The two women are wanted on aggravated sexual battery charges, -> but police say they aren't having much luck finding them. Maybe first they should find the other half of the tongs. -> "We have no descriptions of the women, being that (the -> victim) is not cooperating with the police," police -> spokesman Sgt. Mike Wilson said. "And there's little we can -> do to urge cooperation." Sure you can. You can just clack a pair of tongs in front of his face a few times. He'll confess to whatever you want. Unless he's one of those weirdos who likes tongs up his ass. And nobody who's found with one of them inside could possibly be the sort of person who would enjoy that, right? I'm sure the police will get to the bottom of this. -- K. Don't tell me he couldn't afford an actual ass speculum -- disposable plastic rectal specula cost less than salad tongs. I don't think you could use them for all the same things, though -- they just won't pick up cucumbers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: But how do the Mime Police read you your rights? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:29:42 -0500 [from www.news.harvard.edu, discussing Bogota, Colombia] -> -> Another innovative idea was to use mimes to improve both traffic -> and citizens' behavior. Initially 20 professional mimes shadowed -> pedestrians who didn't follow crossing rules: A pedestrian running -> across the road would be tracked by a mime who mocked his every move. Yeah, great safety idea, having scary mimes chasing people into traffic. -> Mimes also poked fun at reckless drivers. The program was so popular -> that another 400 people were trained as mimes. And now they're all dead. At least it probably reduced the odds of the reckless drivers trying to run over anyone who _isn't_ a mime. And that's all that matters. Damn safety mimes. I'd rather be hit by a car than have to watch someone who thinks him pretending to pull an invisible rope will entertain someone with a brain the size of mine (bigger than a lentil.) Suddenly I want to get a car just so I can drive to Colombia and crush mimes. -- K. "trained as mimes"? Bet that doesn't compare to the difficult curriculum of Santa school. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Reusing trademarks is _not_ a brilliant idea. Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:51:48 -0500 Okay, so we all know that the airline reservation company Orbitz decided it was cheaper to buy the trademark of the defunct soft drink Orbitz than to spend ten bucks to hire some college student to tell them "Name your company anything but Orbitz, 'cause that stuff went out of business after it made all those people puke." Well, in the latest example of this trend of recycling trademarks for things that sucked, I present: Kazaam Crunch. Kellogg's latest incarnation of Rice Krispies Treats snack bars is "Kazaam Crunch". That's right, it's a food product named after one of the biggest movie flops in memory, the one starring a basketball player as the rapping genie with the flying bicycle who lives in a ghetto blaster. What's next? Rollerball Roll-Ups? Master Of Disguise Snack Size? Organic Catwoman Cookies? Baby Geniuses In A Drum? Newman's Own Gigli? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish eating this box of Kellogg's Rectangular Turds so that I can photograph that the box says "Kazaam" on it right before I throw it away. -- K. Cat In The Hat Nerve Gas? Hey, it would still be less painful than the movie. "Grab my belly and make a wish." -- Kazaam (THE MOVIE) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Joy Of Festivus Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 15:09:50 -0500 [www.cnn.com] -> -> 'Seinfeld' Festivus display vies with Nativity -> -> Christmas scene allowed on public property, so are other religions -> -> BARTOW, Florida (AP) -- When a Florida church group put a -> Nativity scene on public property, officials warned it might -> open the door to other religious -- and not-so-religious -- -> displays. They were right. -> -> Since the Nativity was erected in Polk County, displays have -> gone up honoring Zoroastrianism and the fake holiday -> Festivus, featured on the TV sitcom "Seinfeld." Yeah, it's a fake holiday because someone made it up, unlike Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, Love Day, Boxing Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day, and everyone's favorite naturally-occurring holiday, Administrative Assistants' Day. -> The Polk County Commission voted 4-1 Wednesday to permit the -> Nativity scene to remain across the street from the -> courthouse, as well as to make that area a "public forum" -> open to any type of display. -> -> But the commission insisted that unless someone claims a -> particular display and submits a written request asking it -> remain, it would be removed. By Wednesday evening, no one -> had claimed the Festivus display, and the commission said it -> would come down; a woman claimed the Zoroastrianism display, -> which was to stay. I call dibs on the imaginary Kibology display. Support imaginary Kibology! -> The debate began December 15 when a handmade creche with the -> figures of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus was erected by a -> Bible study group from the First Baptist Church of Bartow. OoooooooOOOOOOOOoooooh, a HAND!MADE! creche! That's so much better than all those other public Nativity displays dropped from robotic flying saucers from the planet Xmas! -> "The real spirit of Christmas is the birth of Christ," said -> Marvin Pittman, a retired law enforcement officer and member -> of the congregation. "We felt it needs to be in the public -> eye, so we did it." -> -> Other displays are fine, too, he said, adding, "If somebody -> wants to do that, it's their right." -> -> And true to form, the site almost immediately sprouted -> alternative displays, including a simple sign that reads: -> "Festivus for the Rest of Us -- Donated to Polk County by -> the Seinfeld Fan Club." -> -> The display, a reference to the fake holiday featured on an -> episode of the television sitcom, did not include the totem -> of Festivus -- a bare aluminum pole instead of a tree. Key -> rituals of Festivus include accusing others of being a -> disappointment and wrestling. Wrong! You don't accuse others of being a disappointment. You _list_ all the ways they've disappointed you. CNN, I'm very disappointed in how you can't even watch enough TV reruns to report factually on "Seinfeld". Festivus is not over until CNN can pin me. -> Another display celebrating Zoroastrianism was erected by -> Stella Darby, who wanted to encourage people to research the -> ancient Persian religion. But is it as funny as "Seinfeld"? -> Richard Blank, a member of the American Civil Liberties -> Union, objected to the Nativity scene's presence on public -> property, arguing it violates the constitutional separation -> of church and state. -> -> "The Nativity scene is totally celebratory of the birth of -> Christ," he said. "Not everyone subscribes to that, and -> those who do should put it on their own property." I think we should pass a law making celebrating Christianity legal anywhere on December 25th, as long as it's forbidden for the rest of the year. Damn Christmas carol Muzak! -> But a board member who voted to allow the creche as part of -> the "public forum" disagreed with Blank. "A group had asked -> to display a scene important to their beliefs; I felt we -> shouldn't suppress their right to do so," said Commissioner -> Samuel K. Johnson. Good thing he uses his middle initial, otherwise he'd have to put up with people constantly suggesting new words for his dictionary, like "regifter", and he'd get so tired of this that he'd define them all as "yadda yadda yadda". -- K. "Kickshaw: A dish so changed by the cookery that it can scarcely be known." -- Johnson's dictionaary ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 22:32:08 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > As Lots42 leaves for his flea market, a thinly veiled metaphor > > for the world of promiscuous homosexual encounters, > > I don't understand why everyone thinks the flea market is a haven for > gay sex Because you go there to stare at all the gay guys because all the other vendors are flamin' gay stereotypes that primarily exist in the queer world of flea markorgies. Sheesh! Do we have to draw you a diagram of the diagram you've already drawn for us? SYLLOGISM (WITH A "G") Major premise: You said the vendors are mainly florid gay stereotypes. Minor premise: You said you are a vendor. Conclusion: Therefore, you're either Socrates, or at least as gay as he was. LOOK IN THE MAGIC MIRROR, CINDERELLA! THE GAYEST MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK IS... YOU! > After all, it was just last year when they replaced the curtains that > acted as stall doors with real stall doors. Are you sure this was even a flea market? Did the main entrance have one of those goldfish bowls filled condoms with little packets of trial-size lube, or just the usual bowl of LifeStyles condoms? > The above sentence is 100 percent true. How can a fact be 50% true? Would that be if I said "Lots42 went to two florgy markets today" when you had only been to one? -- K. I should start a flea market with a "no straights allowed" policy. Then the straight guys would demand to be allowed to pay the $500 admission. I'd be rich! Plus I could sell all 500,000 of them T-shirts that said "THE ONLY STRAIGHT PERSON HERE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 14:35:16 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo--- Get the living fuck off the boy Lots'unwelted back and go play > > with leathermen your own age. You can be SO nasty when you're all > > hormonal and shit. > > Don't tell kibo to be nice. That was the best part of the thread. Don't tell Darla not to be mean. And anything about me is always the best part of any thread. > -phy (maybe one day I will become more bitter and less mean) It's all in how well you focus your energies. Me, I have a LASERBRAIN. Why do I suddenly taste quinine? -- K. So has anyone seen Seth Goldin lately? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 13:57:04 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Karlo-- what can I say? Your review [of Lots42's conversation with > > his male dogs] and analysis is perfection, insightful, thoughtful, > > and clearly from a deep place in which you are one with your emotions > > and the nearby universe. > > Don't you mean GAYNIVERSE? Keep talking, Lots. It's okay to talk things through. We understand. There are tens of thousands of people here, and two or three of them are as gay as you. Hey, could you introduce me to them? -- K. Is this the episode where you keep worrying "It moved!" or is this the episode where you keep saying "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh! People are pretending to be mean! On the Internet! Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 02:18:30 -0500 [from news.com.com] -> -> Inflicting pain on 'griefers' -> -> By David Becker -> -> As online-game companies court new and wider audiences, many are -> running into an old problem: "griefers," a small but seemingly -> irradicable set of players who want nothing more than to murder, -> loot and otherwise frustrate the heck out of everyone else. ...and force them to sign up for CapitolOne credit cards. YARRRR! I AM A SPACE VIKING BRINGING TIDINGS OF LOW RATES! WHAT'S IN YOUR IMAGINARY WALLET? -> Social miscreants can do more than ruin the game for -> better-behaved competitors. They can hurt game companies' bottom -> line by driving away customers and burning up support lines. -> Problems related to grief players often account for 25 percent or -> more of customer service calls, according to game publishers. It's really a bad idea to call tech support when the bad kids are mean, because more than 25% of tech support staffers are bigger meanies than the average 13-year-old griefer. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. * The leprechaun taunts you, rudely. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. * The leprechaun gives you a wedgie, indicated by you seeing a sentence saying you are being given a wedgie. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. > Say "Waah! Stop picking on me! I'm going to call the BOFH!" * The BOFH presses the secret button that sends 600 volts into the earpiece of your phone. * You are dead. Also, the game is over. -> Now an increasing number of companies are fighting back, using a -> combination of technology, sociology and psychology to limit -> griefer damage. Success could be important to the industry's -> growth, as companies seek to expand beyond the audience of -> hard-core players to more casual customers, many of whom are -> unlikely to tolerate bad experiences for long. I bet they'll use clever psychology to produce some tiny, in-game propaganda posters to convince people not to be griefers. Of course, in the propaganda industry, "clever psychology" usually means "writing a slogan that makes no sense but sort of rhymes," such as "YOU CAN'T SPELL 'GRIEFER' WITHOUT 'REEFER'!" -> "A couple of people causing problems can really wreck the game -> for everybody else," said David Cole, president of research -> company DFC Intelligence. "I think it's one of the biggest -> business concerns you have running an online game." There should be a separate game just for the griefers, where they could be mean to nerds. It would be just for those "couple of people" and it would be wildly popular. -> The stakes are big. According to research firm Yankee Group, -> multiplayer online games had 2.4 million U.S. subscribers and -> generated $209 million in revenue last year. That's expected to -> grow to 5.2 million subscribers and $556 million in revenue by -> 2008. How many dollars is that per wedgie? -> Standing in the way of such growth are players such as -> "Evangeline," a "Sims Online" player who became an emblem of the -> griefer mentality when she described her techniques and -> motivation in an interview published late last year by online -> forum The Second Life Herald, formerly known as Alphaville -> Herald. And it's the most important psychological journal published by Jean-Luc Godard. -> Evangeline said she liked to torture new players ("newbies") by -> luring them into a house specifically designed to trap and -> torture them. "Newbies are so disgusting...they're the bane of my -> Sim life," she said. "I'll cage (you) like an animal and have -> people laugh at (you)." "Waah! I'm trapped in an imaginary Roach Motel with a dominatrix who is probably a 13-year-old boy!" -> Ganging up on newbies is typical griefer behavior in games with -> large multiplayer universes, such as "Sims Online" or -> "EverQuest." and "The Internet". -> In games such as "EverQuest" that include player-vs.-player -> combat, griefers typically lure new players into hidden areas, -> then kill them and loot their corpses for valuable in-game goods. -> One of the most common griefer tactics is to camp out at "spawn -> spots" -- locations where characters enter the game world after -> dying or logging off -- and attack arriving players the second -> they materialize. So you don't get mugged, whenever you spawn, immediately give your wallet to the spawn spot's official wallet inspector for safekeeping. -> Dissecting griefer dysfunction -> -> Such behavior may not be strictly against the rules of the game, -> but it violates the social contract between players and can -> quickly send new players packing for the real world. I know. I hate it whenever I'm playing "Pong" and the other player violates the social contract I ask them to sign saying they will never attempt to get the ball past me. -> "You never get a second chance to make a first impression," said -> Cameron Ferroni, general manager for Microsoft's Xbox Live -> online-game service, recalling old Head & Shoulders commercials. Then he burst into tears when he remembered being taunted over his hideous dandruff problem. -> John Suler, a psychologist at Rider University in Lawrenceville, -> N.J., has studied deviant behavior in online game communities and -> found that griefers fall into two basic camps. What about those who refuse to be pegged as one or the other because they are an expert in _every_ type of meaniness? I'm just askin'. -> "Some of them are kind of antisocial types, where their cause is -> to fight the authority figure," Suler said. "They take more -> pleasure in the grief they cause for the company that runs the -> game. That may stem back to difficult relations with parents and -> authority figures." "Parents should brainwash their children from an early age to always respect the most important authority figures in our society -- companies that sell videogames." -> For the other basic type of griefer, it's personal. -> -> "Sometimes it's just a matter of wanting to hurt other people, -> cause grief for them," Su