From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hello, I am the Invisible Pedestrian, and not in the Ed Begley Jr. way Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 16:49:43 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Marty McFly travels back in time and kills John DeLorean > > and then the movie explodes and never gets made. > > I just wrote a policy for a 1983 DeLorean. Looks pretty nice, too. > I suspect the owner must have won the car, because the home in the > background of the photos was not the place you'd expect to find a > DeLorean. Jumpin' Jengablocks -- it's possible to expect to find a DeLorean anywhere? I haven't seen one since... um... in fact, I don't think I've ever seen one outside of "Back To The Future" and "Automan" and so on. I'm not sure I could expect to see one anywhere, except maybe at some "Automan" fan convention, assuming they don't just cancel it because all the people in "Automan" costumes are afraid they'll get laughed at by Tron Costume Guy. > > I dare you to name me one > > thing that smells better > > than leather [...] > > When I was a kid, I played with all my dad's old toys, which consisted > of a lot of brown leather chaps and accessories, as part of a complete > cowboy outfit. It was old, stored-for-decades leather, which had a > concentrated leather smell. Mmm. But how do you feel about that cheap latex where, instead of adding the artificial chocolate scent to it during processing, they just stir in six cups of peanut butter? Latex should not smell like Skippy. > I can't believe the toys my dad played with (in the 1930s). BB guns, > realistic metal "toy" guns with real leather holsters that held bullets, > knives of all kinds, and a "G-Man" set that had the most solid pair of > handcuffs a kid ever owned. ...outside Communist China. -- K. Motorcycle chaps are always black. Cowboy chaps are always brown. Lawrence Fishburne's chaps are always purple. I think there might be something weird about that show. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:05:06 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > DECEMBER 31! > > LIVE!! AT THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE!! > > LAST ARKPLE OF THE YEAR!! > > CAR CRUSHING HIGH HOPPING ACTION!! > > Or at least a lot of broken exhibits. If they ain't broken, we'll break 'em! You bring your dynamite for the dinosaurs, I'll bring my anvil for the butterflies. > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. Friday the 31st? I expect I can come, provided nobody asks me out on a real date that weekend. Unless they want to come to the Museum of Science too. Which they won't (I'll make sure of that.) > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. Do we eat before, after, or during this event? Food options at the Museum of Science are pretty sucky these days. As in "pretty sucky" I mean "elementary school cafeteria sucky." -- K. Last time I took a date to a science museum, I impressed the guy giving the electricity demonstration by knowing the three types of magnetic materials (ferromagnetic, parasitic, and dianetic) though he was kind of annoyed that I kept asking him to give me bigger shocks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 04:04:39 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > off my hangover until 3 PM. Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum to see what I can break. The secret is to get out of bed whenever the hell you need to get out of bed and not let your body complain about anything 'cause you're the boss of it -- and if you're not going to bother being the boss of your own body, tough shit, because then L.Ron Hubbard will be the boss of your body. He called dibs on people like you, and if you can't even fight off a hangover, you're no match for L.Ron. Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. -- K. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -- US Marine Corps "Tiredness is everything else leaving the body." -- me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:59:53 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! [...] > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. > > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? Salt crystal? T station?) By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. -- K. I keep thinking I should print up some decals with better explanations of the exhibits. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:23:18 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@theworld.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking > > > garage? Salt crystal? T station?) > > > > Lobby, I suppose. > > Weather permitting, we should all meet in front of the T-Rex out on > the sidewalk. Because, PHOTO-OP. Supposedly there's a good chance of it coldraining on Friday morning. I say we stick with the lobby. We can have a photo op in front of the newer, better T-Rex inside, or go outside briefly to photograph the half of the old T-Rex that's escaping the museum. Plus the lobby will be more fun for those of us who enjoy acting like suspicious characters. Inside, we can glower at the tourists. Outside, the tourists would just ignore us and park rangers would hassle us. (Yes, I've had park rangers grill me when I was waiting outside to meet someone. I didn't even know that Science Park was a real enough park to have actual Hanna-Barbera style rangers patrolling it. I think they're afraid of Al-Qaeda blowing up the museum to kill all the dinosaurs.) -- K. If you see me being hassled by a park ranger, go ahead and yell something about a missing pic-a-nic basket to get him to turn around. Then I can get him in a half-nelson and take him inside to use the big Van de Graaf generator to taze him good. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:12:44 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? > > Salt crystal? T station?) > > Lobby, I suppose. We'll be the group loitering around looking suspicious > and wondering how long it'll take before they kick us out. Dude, I'm in that group 24 hours a day, even when I'm by myself. I'll be the only guy in the lobby with black leather and orange hair and more black leather and I'll be somewhere between 6'2" and 7'15" (inclusive). > Also, with the highest per-capita amount of scarf. I have no scarf. I will be wearing one of my black ski masks and wearing big leather gloves that have little storage compartments from which other, nylon gloves can undock in situations where I might need to keep my primary gloves from getting wet. Man, I love any excuse for clothing to have extra zippers. I also like how modern ski masks are compatible with nose rings. I don't know why you have to say "balaclava" instead of "ski mask" these days. It always makes me think you're talking about covering someone's head with flaky, flaky pastry, and that shouldn't happen outside dandruff commercials. > > By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains > > aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, > > from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone > > will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. > > See above, in bright red and green letters of fire. Basically's, youse rides the Green Line to Gummit Cenna, youse gets up the escalators and goes to the yellow "FREE TRANSFER" machines to's your left and pushes the button to get's youse ticket. Then youse rides the bus for free else you pays five quarters. Bus lets youse off's somewhere near a highway innersection near Science Park and youse follows the nerds on foot. > > Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as > > big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen > > rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. > > How about a mini-golf club for the kinetic scuplture? Don't have one of those. The only sporting goods I have are hockey stuff, unless motorcycle and rodeo and dressage count as sports, which I suppose they don't because they're not violent like hockey and mini-golf. Oh, and I got swords and armor too, but gladiation probably doesn't count as a sport either because it's only 90% as violent as hockey. I'm still tempted to bring along a big medieval-style jar of vitriol to see if I can etch the giant salt crystal down to an easier-to-swallow size. Neither "The 'Science' Of 'Star Wars'" nor "The 'Science' Of The 'Magic' Of 'The Lord Of The Rings'" is currently on exhibit, so I won't bring either a glowing or non-glowing sword. The current temporary exhibit is "Strange Matter" (from Toronto), featuring ten "interactive Experience Pods" where you can actually stick your hands into a glove box to make mud pies out of futuristic goop. The exhibit halls are open to 9pm. The big lightning show ("Electricity!") is at 12:00, 2:00, 4:00, and 7:00. "Battle Of The Currents" -- which is completely different and much more Kibological because it just consists of a one-man show about a guy obsessed with making everyone in the world respect the genius of Nikola Tesla -- is at 1:15 and 3:15. Neither is to be missed if you like watching lethal voltages. I think the Dippin' Dots vending machine is still there, but I don't know whether it's still advertising that it's running "* * * BETA * * *" firmware. -- K. I used to be good at mini-golf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fluorescent Eyesore For The Straight Guy Date: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 17:20:34 -0500 [from www.suntimes.com] -> -> It's not easy being green for homeowner -> -> December 17, 2004 -> -> By Steve Schmadeke -> -> Juan Mata's maroon Kenworth semi-truck means a lot to him. -> The Lockport man keeps a picture of it tucked inside his -> wallet. He used to proudly park the truck in the driveway -> outside his home. -> -> So, when his neighbors called police last summer, -> complaining that the truck was noisy and an eyesore and the -> police made him move it, Mata, who says none of that's true, -> got mad. -> -> Then, he got even: He has painted his house a brilliant -> shade of fluorescent green. -> -> "Hideous," one neighbor calls it. -> -> Another, Debbie Seitz, says it's so bright, "The flight -> traffic would be able to spot Lockport." -> -> Serves you right, says Mata: "Well, I thought if they said, -> 'The truck's an eyesore,' I'd give them a real eyesore." Bitchin'! Especially because the maroon truck clashes so badly with the lime green house. I salute your evil color sense, you magnificent bastard! -> Some tickled pink -> -> The color is so, ah, unusual, that, when he bought the paint -> at a Home Depot and told a store employee what it was for, -> "The lady there couldn't believe it. She said, 'That's not -> outside paint; that's interior paint.' " ...and then she drank it. (THAT COMMENT WAS SPONSORED BY NYNEX.) -> The police made Mata move the truck because of an ordinance -> that bans trucks from being parked in residential areas. But -> there's no ordinance that restricts what color people can -> paint their houses, city administrator Larry McCasland says. -> "It's crazy, isn't it?" McCasland says, laughing. It's so crazy it makes you want to see a psychiatrist! Like the one across the hall from my old office! You know, the one who has a treatment room painted SOLID FLUORESCENT GREEN! Aaaaaaiiieeeee! -> Mata's home, which he rents from his father, has become sort -> of an attraction, drawing people who don't even live in the -> neighborhood. -> -> "And we get a lot of compliments, too, right, Dad?" says -> Mata's daughter, Lori. "They'd stop and say, 'I like it.' " -> -> For his annoyed neighbors, Mata's taste in exterior home -> paint has had a couple of benefits: It slows traffic and -> serves as a handy landmark. -> -> "I say, 'Just go to 14th and Washington, and I live right -> across the street from the crazy green house,' " says a -> neighbor who'd give her name only as Dawn. -> -> Mata says the color doesn't bother him. "Inside here, I -> don't see it," he says. You know, I like this guy. I wonder what he'd think of my hair? This week it's back to Safety Orange. -> Still, he's tired of paying a $350 monthly storage fee for -> his truck and is looking to move. When he does, he says his -> father will probably replace the lime green with a more -> neutral color. I think a better idea would be if we snuck into that neighborhood and secretly painted all the _other_ houses radioactive green during the night his house turned a normal color. -- K. Like I've said before, if I owned a car, it would be painted in diagonal stripes of fluorescent green and fluorescent magenta to look like a migraine on wheels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stoopeedest toy car ever? Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:45:50 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Browsing through a dirt-cheap discount store, younger daughter and I > espied a display of toy Humvees, which are supposedly "voice-activated" > to honk the horn, rev the engine or blare a five-second burst of > pre-recorded music. These models apparently having been made with spit, > tissue paper and deteriorating duct tape, the truck "voice" constantly > calls out "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" and "I couldn't > understand you! Could you say it again?" in an almost endearingly > plaintive fashion. > > But younger daughter spoke for us all when she scrawled on a toy "magic > message board" conveniently located at the same display: "Honk if you > hate Hummers." I've actually seen several Hummers and H2s around lately. They're getting disturbingly popular. There's also one super-stretch Hummer limo I keep seeing -- is there really a better way to say "The only way I think I can get a girl to sleep with me is if I show her I can waste money renting really stupid expensive things!"? Renting a stretch Hummer is like renting a white tiger. Except probably more chicks would like the white tiger. Too bad guys think gals like giant blocky military-inspired limousines. From now on, I'm going to answer most questions with "What did you say? Did you say 'Music'?" -- K. Real Hummers aren't made with spit? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Double negatives (was: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It.) Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:57:45 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > question? > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? I'd phrase that as "You don't want me to drop the baby down the... Well?" so that the correct answer would be "Well what?" which in my world would be a synonym for "Under where?" so that I could yell "HAW HAW, YOU EAT UNDERWEAR" as I drop the baby into the whatsit. > Note that technical writers and magazine editors are not invited to > respond. They will just tell me to rewrite the question. Computer > science majors or anyone else who read _Goedel, Escher, Bach_ are > similarly disqualified, but for a different reason. I'd just like to know why you're so worried about how people will react to your baby-dangling. It's like you're Woody Allen as Michael Jackson. So soon I expect you to marry your daughter while dangling her. Especially if she's Baby Jessica. Remember when Garry Shandling fell down that well? It was like "Lassie" except without the usual undercurrent of bestiality. -- K. Well? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 03:00:12 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't want to > > hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer to this > > question? > > > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? > > The grammatically correct answer is "That is correct." A more rigidly correct one would be "I did not order you to drop the baby down the well, therefore you better fucking not kill my baby or I'll take your TV away for a week!" Of course, that implies the First Law is still in effect ("Assume we don't want to hurt any babies, or through inaction allow babies to come to harm.") but that leads to the question whether we mean Assume we don't want to (hurt any babies or allow babies to come to harm). or Assume (we don't want to hurt any babies) or (allow babies to come to harm). The former makes us a good little robot, the latter lets us have free will to go on a violent anti-baby rampage through passive-aggressiveness. I've always thought Isaac Asimov's Three Laws Of Robotics were not only syntactically ambiguous, but altogether too namby-pamby. Here's how I would have worded them, assuming the target audience is robots that might run amok on babies: 1.) Put the fucking baby down! 2.) Shut the fuck up and do what I say! 3.) You will be fucking charged for any repairs you need! Asimov's original laws didn't even use the word "fuck" once, and thus all modern robots ignore them. You have to know how to swear at your shitty robot if you don't want it to fucking fuck you over. P.S.: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK!!! -- K. It's fun to unleash! Though, it's even more fun to put the leash on someone else. And that's why we should invent robots. Also we need another law for them: 0.) The leash stays where I put it, fucker! Wait, I can reword them even better: 0.) You're the one on the fucking leash! 1.) Stay off the fucking baby! 2.) Fuck off! 3.) You're fucked! P.S.: FUCK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:07:41 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > were wrong. > > They are not wrong. > > There are SO many gay male vendors (all over the age of a billion) at > the flea market and everyone of them is stereotypical Really? Most of the ones I saw at the flea market today were dead butch, and then of course there were the guys dressed as pirates advertising the pirate-themed sadomasochism camp. Oh, wait... you didn't go to that flea market... you went to the _sissy_ one. Where the _sissy_ people shop. Worse, the sissy _vanilla_ people. I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, let alone thousands of all-slightly-different whips you couldn't tell apart if they all hit you on the ass. So, are you just asking me to whip your ass until you admit you're the only one here who likes Judy Garland and quiche and Carson Kressley's hair? I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. -- K. Also, I can beat up either of your daddies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:00:44 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet your flea market didn't even have leather Utilikilts, > > Which are freakin' expensive. And it's not OK to wear a Utilikilt if > you're a gurl, so I would have to go around in drag just to wear a > Utilikilt that I can't afford. Life! Is! Not! Fair! Um, Stacia, there are these cheaper things called "skirts"... Or do you really need one with the big pocket for your Leatherman tool? > [whipping Lots' ass] > > > > I could, 'cause I've got three minutes to spare. > > It would leave you with two minutes to enjoy at your leisure. Is there some reason you think I wouldn't enjoy the first minute? I don't think he's one of those people who's too dumb to know how to scream, so I don't see what's stopping me. -- K. And it's okay for you to wear whatever the hell you want. Especially if society disapproves. That makes it better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:17:11 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > You know, I always thought the popular media stereotypes of gay people > > were wrong. > > > > They are not wrong. > > You know, there -are- straiyt people who act That Way. Some of them, true to > the metastereotype, much more so than many gay male peoples. Have they all > -told- you they're gay, or have you actually witnessed them hard at play so > to speak? I don't think Lots42 was cruising to test that theory. I think the boy was cruising for a deep blue bruising. -- K. I bet he can't even name all the colors on the fifty-nine different gay pride flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:42:18 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > They may be bi. > > > > What's your point? > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went home after he died. Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most of its viewers were even born. Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar Jar. -- K. I don't get it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:48:34 -0500 Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tara K. (nospam@nospam.com) wrote: > > > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > PS to Lots42: Word on the street is that some very straight-acting > > > > guys are gay. Also, some guys come armed with a prop called "a wife." > > > > They may be bi. > > > > > > > > What's your point? > > > > > > Since when has anything posted to ark needed to have a point? > > > > Depends. Is it supposed to poke someone in the eye? If so, I think it's > > too late, Michael O'Donoghue took his red-hot knitting needles and went > > home after he died. > > > > Wow, that's dark. They should cancel that sick "Saturday Night Live" > > show before it mutates into something that will suck for twenty-five > > straight years while coasting on the reputation it earned before most > > of its viewers were even born. > > > > Of course, Lots42 wouldn't have to worry about that, because he only > > likes things that suck for gay years. You know, like a dinner with Jar > > Jar. > > > > -- K. > > You stole my K. Pistols at dawn, sir! Dear Tara: I don't steal from people who quote a whole page of stuff just to comment on one letter of it. And remember, when you challenge someone to a duel, it's the other person who gets to choose the weapons. -- K. I would say lightsabers, but I've only got one of those, so I guess it'll have to be something I've got at least two of... hmm... I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another elephant whip... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:51:33 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suppose I could run over to the surplus store and get another > > elephant whip... > > How'd they get the Elephant in the blender? Peanuts. And how'd they get him out? A straw. Mmm, frosty Dumbo emulsion with other artificial flavors. This is the best Dairy Queen Fribble ever! (I'm glad I didn't get it at Dairy Queen.) -- K. Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:56:31 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Once while on safari, I came upon an elephant in my pajamas. > > Only they weren't your pajamas YET. Also I don't think that's the > recommended method of tanning. Well, I considered just riding the elephant, but I decided not to because I don't know how to get down from an elephant. I get down from ducks. IN MY PAJAMAS! Also, what did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. IN MY PAJAMAS! How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away its credit card. Then put delicious Hormel chili IN MY PAJAMAS! Oops. If an elephant married Darth Vader, he'd be Elevader! MMM, HORMEL CHILI!!! Double oops. -- K. Why do elephants have wrinkly skin? HORMEL CHILI!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 13:33:05 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > Hmmm, is KevinS hinting at a Kibo-like sexual orientation announcement > > here? > > You'll be the first to know, Barbara, mainly because no one else reads > my posts. Maybe the guys would if you'd stop hitting on them. -- K. Please don't go the "shaved head and goatee" route, there are far too many people with that look now, and they're trying to keep Lots42 from finding out what the new stereotype is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:07:16 -0500 [...after much topic drift concerning elephants...] Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > > > What does a US nuclear power plant disaster have to do with the issue? > > > > > > Matthew (come to think of it, what is the issue?) > > > > THE ISSUE IS MY MALE PENIS > > So, your female penis isn't at issue? ZING! Two points for Jack Curryd Elethis and Mr. Elethis's male peanuphant! -- K. Don't worry, Lots42, it's such a small issue. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:53:56 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > [something that's gonna get him such a zetz] > > > > > > [something slightly zetzish] > > > > Ok, this is like what, the third time some weird, stranger who is very > > offensive has shown up in a reply to me. > > Hm. Looky here, a puzzle. Wonder what you're doing to inspire that. I don't know the answer, but I sure do know that straight people don't know how commas work. > And there's even the sign posted right on the door, "No Offensive Weirdos > Allowed"...but there are so many functional illiterates nowadays that it > just doesn't work the way it used to, does it. I thought we allowed everyone in, but just gave them a discount if they didn't show up dressed as their favorite superhero. By the way, about the flea market Lots42 didn't go to today? There was also a little comic-book dealers' show in the same hotel. A guy dressed in a saggy Spider-Man suit that leaked was in front of the flea market handing out tickets for free admission to the comic-book show. Almost nobody went over there. The flea market ended earlier, so on the way out, I looked in through the doorway of the comic-book show... and didn't see a single guy in leather. Not even any of the hundreds of chicks dressed as Catwoman went to look at the silly comic books. > Jack Curry > PS - Could you define weird and offensive as applies to ark for me, please? > I haven't been sent the rule book yet, even though I've asked. Can you send > it along with the stereotypical flea market gay male vendor over the age of > a billion description? There's actually at least three different stereotypes of elderly gay people. There's "daddies", "dinos", and "If Truman Capote were still alive, his fingernails would be this long." -- K. I bet Lots42 likes comic books. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gay People Stereotypes Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:33:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) writes: > > > > If you study Lots42 in the goolge record, I think you'll come to realize > > as I did that he's been consistantly and successfully trolling ARK for > > years. He's caught me dozens of times. His ploys are subtle and > > soft-spoken. > > You lie. Or, wait, is this a subtle and soft-spoken troll? I'm unable > to tell the difference anymore. Just because he's a nice guy and is playfully trolling is no excuse not to allow him deliberately push the buttons that automatically make me want to cause major anatomical damage to him. Even if he's really, really gay. 'Cause it's okay for _me_ to go gay-bashing. In fact, often it would be rude for me not to. Sheesh, you normal people have no idea how enjoyable alternative lifestyles revolving around hurting Lots42 can be. But it must be done with politeness. I only bruise people like Lots42 who are begging for it. > Also, Jack Curry's name makes me hungry. Curried jackfruit would be expensive, but probably good. I saw a sixty-dollar jackfruit at the Super 88 once. And they claim durians are the world's most expensive fruit -- nuh-uh. Jackfruit get just as big (they usually don't) but cost more per pound, so when you see a rare head-size jackfruit you should throw your wallet in the other direction because anyone who buys strawberries at Trader Joe's knows that bigger fruits have less flavor. (Maybe Trader Joe's should consider picking the berries six months earlier, while they're still opaque.) -- K. Ever get the feeling I'm only pretending to be playfully evil? That would be called "trolling". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:06:06 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > According to a crazy woman at the flea market, we'll never know the > death count in Iraq because the media controls the internet. Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" and I quickly stopped listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his dopey flea market. -- K. So didja go back to her place? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Overheard at the flea market Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:34:19 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, but shortly after my _better_ flea market, I was walking down > > the street and I overheard some guys discussing how one of them had a > > videogame console without Katamari Damacy, and one of them said > > "Nobody can be happy without Katamari Damacy!" > > I stab myself every day because I lack that game. You need help. Come over here and I'll show you how to stab you right. > > and I quickly stopped > > listening and switched to wondering why Lots42 bothered going to the > > flea market to network with crazy people when he could have just posted > > to the Internet about how he's saner than some of the people at his > > dopey flea market. > > I go because I make money and thus buy comics. Yeah, well, I don't disapprove of you turning tricks for money, but it's the sort of thing you should really keep within the walls of your extra-gay flea market. -- K. I hope they're soundproof. Probably lotionproof, too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pervert likes to have sex with totally fucking stupid kids Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:30:33 -0500 [from news.yahoo.com, a poorly-formatted TV news transcript] -> -> Teens Catch Molester On Video -> -> Sat Dec 18,10:02 AM ET -> -> In a Target 5 exclusive report, read how four molested -> teenage boys hatched a plot to catch their molester, a local -> TV reporter, and get him to admit what he did. -> -> Target 5's Jesse Jones has the story: -> -> This is a story of how an investigative reporter got tricked -> into an admission. -> -> The four victims wondered if the girl they were told they -> were having sex with for three years was, in fact, Stephen Hill. Then he was fired from his TV show and replaced with Peter Graves, but then Peter Graves got caught asking that little boy if he liked gladiator movies, and then he got replaced by Jon Voight, who married his own daughter or something, I forget but I'm sure it's really sick. -> The boys had a plan -- and they put it on home video. -> -> In January, they sat down on a couch in front of a camera -> and one by one introduced themselves by name and age, ending -> with and I think Im being molested. -> -> Then they told an unbelievable story. -> -> Stephen Hill was inviting them over to have sex with a -> 20-year old girl named Dawn. But instead of a woman, the -> teens began to think they were actually having sex with -> Hill. -> -> We could never see her, one boy says on the tape. She was -> supposedly 20 years old and she didn't want to know, she -> thought if we had seen her, we'd tell on her. -> -> We got blindfolded, another boy said, and we could never see -> him at all and we never could touch her supposedly, Dawn. -> Her name was Dawn -- we could never touch her at all, not in -> the girl spots. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE YABBA WABBA GABBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means it's time for the "Duh Of The Year" award! And the Stupie goes to... DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE ...all of you! Now to accept this prestigious award, just put on this blindfold and hold out your hands... -> One of the boys says once he looked underneath the -> blindfold. The others said they never peeked because they were too gay to want to look at a naked woman, even if she was a man. -> I lifted the shirt up a little bit over my eyes and when I -> stood up I looked down and I saw a man's -----. -> -> Each boy claimed to have a different revelation. -> -> We all got together and figured out all the facts came down -> to it not being a girl. It was a guy. It feels like it was a -> guy. All the observations come down to being a guy, which we -> think is him, Steve Hill. "Hey! This vagina I'm sucking on tastes like Steve Hill's penis!" -> I really feel violated. I feel like I've had my manhood -> taken away from me. -> -> Me, too. -> -> On the tape, the boys then described how theyre going to try -> to catch Hill in the act. -> -> Were going to go back to Dawn -- supposedly Dawn, which we -> think is Steve Hill. We're all going to try to go together -> and we are all going to try to catch him on tape while he -> got us blindfolded. -> -> So we are doing this tape and we are going to write -> individual letters, too, and let people know what's really -> going on in case he ends up doing something to all of us. -> -> The victims did confront Hill, according to Hill's lawyer, -> Ken Lawson. -> -> Stephen panicked. He was embarrassed, Lawson said. He ran -> out the room with the video camera, went to another room in -> the house. After he got himself together, he came back -> upstairs and that's when the boys said we want money, $5,000 -> each. I bet the kids would have been satisfied if he had just bought them each a $50 hooker. (Or only a $40 hooker if the kids don't care whether she's a man.) -> A few weeks after that confrontation, the boys began calling -> Hill and recording the conversations, looking for an -> admission.. -> -> Heres how one phone conversation went: -> -> Boy: Hello, Steve? -> -> Hill: Yep. -> -> Boy: I'm getting real impatient, so I have to pop this -> question real quick. -> -> Hill: You gotta what now? -> -> Boy: Pop this question real quick off my mind. -> -> Hill: Do what now? -> -> Boy: I've got to pop this question off my mind right now. -> -> Hill: OK. -> -> Boy: Why did you have us think we was having sex with a girl -> when we were really having it with you? -> -> Hill: I can't, I can't, Im in the middle of doing something -> now. DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEEDLE DEE DEE FOOBA LOOBA ZOOBA DEEDLE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DOOT DEE DOOT Hey kids! That music means I don't give a flying Frigidaire about the rest of this article! You can think of something zingerous to say about the above quotation all by yourself! -> [...] -> -> Three days after that phone call, Hill was arrested. -> -> Hill pleaded guilty and agreed to a five-year prison -> sentence. On Thursday, a judge delcared him a sexual -> predator, meaning he will have to register his address and -> inform the community where he lives when he's out of prison. Tsk, tsk. He should've hired that bald attorney from "Law & Order", unless he's already been replaced by Dianne Wiest. -- K. I miss the days when secret agents liked to wear turtlenecks as they overthrew countries that used English except with fonetik spelingz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:38:02 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I had a dream that I started an enormous April Fool's joke early, trying > to convince everyone via Internet that April Fools had been moved to > August, starting in 2005, because August didn't have any holidays and we > had to spread things out. > I remember being encouraged that this was going to work. Stacia, you should do this because it's going to work. If you need even more encouragement, there's a nickel in it for you. A nickel dipped in candy. -- K. August does too have holidays. Like, the birthday of Augustus Gloop, the Roman emperor who P. Vedius Pollio tossed into a vat of gummi worms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Improved Dream with Colorsafe Bleach Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:46:15 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A nickel dipped in candy. > > I have no idea what that means to perverts like you. Zometimez a zigar is zust a zigar. And don't call me a pervert. The tens of thousands of people on alt.religion.kibology are all exactly like me in every way (except, thankfully, for their names) so I'm the most normal person alive today, except for those people who don't read alt.religion.kibology. So if you are in any way different from me, you're not only perverted, you're not even reading this, so I can say whatever I want while I dip your "nickel" in your "candy", freako. -- K. It's lingonberry flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pizza Hut Discriminates! Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 12:51:29 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I know language is confusing, but in this context I am quite > > right in saying that testicles are concrete. > > Then how'd you get to the phone so fast?!? Maybe he's a performance artist whose whole act is to pump a gallon of wet concrete into his scrotum and then embed a cell phone in there too so that visitors to the Museum Of Creepy Art can call his testicles, instead of just calling him sick. -- K. You're right, eating at Pizza Hut is gross. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 14:57:53 -0500 I just went comparing different maps of human dermatomes and, for some reason, wrote a sarcastic comment about each. Would you like to see them? Or would you prefer not to mock people who have stripes connecting their genitals to their toes? Or do you want to not want me to ever use the word "dermatome" again because it looks like it must be spelled wrong? Or should I post my dermatomalogical zingers to educate people about why going bald will tie-dye your whole body? I tell you, the research I do just for this newsgroup... -- K. According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever feel it's not worth mocking something? Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:43:56 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > According to neurology textbooks, 95% of people who have nerves are men. > > So it's not that women get on mine so much, it just *seems* that way? Women are real nice to me. Maybe it's because they're jealous of how I have nerves and bones and anatomy and they're just made of porn. I dare you to find a non-porn photo of a woman on the Internet. Anyway, here's the comments I threatened to make on the results of a Google image search for "dermatomes". I understand why different dermatome maps don't quite agree, but why are they all men? "Superman's heat vision can't penetrate the Bacon Leotard Of Luthor!" http://www.healthcentral.com/mhc/fullsize/2283.jpg "Oh, Michaelangelo, stop painting that silly ceiling and kiss me!" http://www.aafp.org/afp/990201ap/575_f4.jpg Suddenly I have a craving for Chuckles: http://sekizui.info/image/sekisontoha/dermatomes.jpg "Was it really necessary to cut right down the middle of my penis?" http://publish.uwo.ca/~jkiernan/dermator.gif Someone really got into drawing stripes all over their dream date: http://learntech.uwe.ac.uk/radiography/Gfx/nervous/dermatomes.gif "Yo, I've been lifting weights, my dermatomes are totally ripped!" http://www.sofmmoo.com/section_anatomique_francais_english/bptl/keegan-garett.GIF I like that they drew this guy looking sad. But he still has it together enough to be giving the "Live long and prosper!" salute: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/epollak/PSY255_pix/dermatomes-netter2.JPG "Holy rainbow, Batman, that pride flag is really the Joker in disguise!" http://www.emedicinehealth.com/includes/shared/etools/datafiles_xml/dermatomes.jpg "Fuck you, stop looking at my tiny winky!" http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/cabanat/bio2471/images/Pagem134.jpeg "Mommy, I don't like Cirque du Soleil!" http://web.archive.org/web/20031204085227/http://www.ahmf.com.au/images/conditions/dermatomes.jpg "Which way to Sid & Marty Krofft's house?" http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/images/ency/fullsize/18069.jpg "Hello, you'll be seeing me in your migraines!" http://www.esb.utexas.edu/quinn/Bio416K/Nervous%20system/Anat%2014.11.jpeg "Try new Levi's Action Slacks! For the active, wasp-wasted man!": http://www.familypractice.com/references/ABFPGuides/Back/images/figure2.gif "WHEE! I have Nerf genitalia!" http://neurobranches.chez.tiscali.fr/images/imagessn/imagesens/dermatomes.jpg Even little boys have their dermatomes: http://www.rch.org.au/anaes/media/derm1small.gif "I'm so confused by my feelings towards my manboobs!" http://www.christopherreeve.org/images/client/Dermatomes275.gif This artist had to make him male but really didn't want to have to think about drawing a penis or anything near a penis: http://www.anatomie-humaine.com/neuroa/images/(42).gif Here's another neutered guy with a male head, trying not to scream "Ow, my dozens of nipples!" http://carecure.rutgers.edu:16080/spinewire/Articles/SpinalLevels/ASIA_Dermatomes.gif (..."Any anal sensation (Yes/No)" is the hot new catchphrase of the week.) Here's where the dermatomes are on your primitive robot butler: http://www.clinicalexam.com/pda/n_ref_dermatomes.htm I think this is a woman, except for the penis. It's hard to tell on this radiation scan. SUBJECT 1138 PREFIX THX // WANTED FOR CRIMINAL DRUG EVASION: http://www.mona.uwi.edu/fpas/courses/physiology/neurophysiology/DermatomalMap.jpg I did only find a few females. This one's from the planet Futureena: http://home.swipnet.se/allez/NS/CNS71_files/CNS214a.gif "You are the Kirk-unit?" http://www.24dr.com/reference/pictures/pic6.jpg "Ilia, you do not have Buddha-nature!" http://www.homestead.com/emguidemaps/files/sensory.gif Women clearly doesn't have any nerves in their woo-woos: http://www.medscape.com/content/2003/00/46/28/462892/art-sp462892.fig4.gif Wait a minute! At last! I found a woman with nerves all over her body! Even on her webbed fingers! http://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/430/20031010152939/www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/figures/f165_2.gif -- K. So should I give the same treatment to your other favorite, the sensory homunculus, or its little brother, the Penfield map? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: travel advisory Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 15:25:51 -0500 My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > Is there anything particularly kibological I > > > should visit in Philadelphia and environs? > > > > The enormous walk-through model of the > > heart and lungs in the Franklin Institute. > > > > Hold your breath going through the lungs, > > they smell bad for some reason. > > Although its not as kewl as if you go through it as an adult for the > first time, you just can't re-imagine yourself a 6 or 7 year old on a > class field trip walking through afraid you'll get lost. If you get lost in the giant heart, don't worry, you'll get beaten out. The first time I was there, twenty or thirty years ago, the "Walk-Through Heart" was four rectangularish temporary rooms made from divider panels standing on the floor. (Apparently I was there when the good heart was closed for repairs.) Nowadays, it's this far more impressive three-dimensional mountaineering experience. Not recommended for claustrophobes, people shaped like giant blobs of cholesterol, or anyone who hates climbing stairs inside a heart. As I've mentioned in the past, the most impressive thing in Philly is the Mutter Medical Museum which has the world's largest human colon on display, donated by some guy who lived a very unhappy life. But at least he could travel because his shit was always packed. Boston's Children's Museum used to have a combination of the two -- the "Crawl-Through Colon", next to the display about how the Pink Panther goes to the bathroom. I think that stuff is long gone and has been replaced with something more socially acceptable, such as how Japanese teenagers are cooler than you. -- K. Also, try not to consider any giant colon a "hands-on" exhibit unless you're dressed as Bruce Springsteen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: travel advisory Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:59:01 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I've mentioned in the past, the most impressive thing in Philly > > is the Mutter Medical Museum which has the world's largest human colon > > Oh yeah? Well, I bet you the National Muesum of Health and Medicine, > located on the campus of Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington DC is > waaaay cooler. > > They got a hairball that was removed from a teenage girl's stomach that is > the size of a football. And a guy that was microtomed from head to foot, > laminated in plastic and hung up for everybody to play in. Plus, they have > the bullet that they dug out of A. Lincoln's brain and lots of random body > parts not from A. Lincoln but in jars. Big deal. I live directly across the street from what's left of Phineas Gage, who was the most famous drawing of icky stuff Robert L. Ripley ever drew, especially once the opening titles of the Jack Palance version of the TV show made it glisten as it flew towards the camera to the tune of one of Henri Mancini's tunes -- his music often achieved extra creepiness through sheer unforgettability. > Jack Curry > -Nobody goes there but I did dressed as Bruce Springsteen but that's the way > I always dress- Well, no, see, if you _always_ have blue jeans on with a red hankie in the right pocket, then you can't ever be _doing_ what the red hankie represents. Can we change the subject? Suddenly you're being ickier than anything that ever made Robert L. Ripley grow a big rubbery one. -- K. I need to buy a microtome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:35:03 -0500 [on the use of "time interpolation" to improve satellite surveillance photos] Bob O`Bob (filterbob@yahoogroups.com) wrote: > > Take a quantity of low-res shots of something, preferably from a platform > with a known oscillation (unknown is just a bit harder) and interpolate > them into one much higher-res image. Uncertainties still abound, but > their probabilities can be estimated. And how did we get onto this highly important topic related to national security? Oh yeah, I complained about certain technical mistakes that show up over and over on TV, such as the way Daphne can't figure out how to move her lips while wearing a scarf across her face on "Scooby-Doo", and also implied that "CSI" might have a similar level of authenticity, and Marc Goodman zeroed in right on the one I was most thinking of -- where they blow up a photo 3000% and new details are magically created -- which led to Beable complaining about depictions of real-time satellite surveillance of license plates (from above, somehow) in things like Michael Crichton novels. So back to TV/movie nerd peeves. I think it's time to revisit my list of peeves seen in fictional shows: 1.) Scuba safety. Everyone who gets killed underwater does so because they went diving without a buddy. Nobody on TV who dives with a buddy dies, but everyone who solos dies. 2.) Guns with silencers. Who decided thirty years ago that, in every movie or TV show for the rest of eternity, the same "tweet!" noise would be dubbed in for all handgun silencers? They do not go "tweet!" They (usually) go "bang!", just not too loudly. 3.) Whips cracking. Much like silenced guns, there's always the same sound dubbed in. Captain Infinity once described it as "wissh-tcha!" In reality they go "BANG!!!" only louder. 4.) Talking birds. All pet parrots or cockatiels or parakeets on TV can speak fluently in oddly human voices. Most real birds can't say anything other than that screech they make when it's time for them to sever your finger on a whim. Even the ones that do talk don't quote once-overhead sentences to solve crimes. 5.) Phone eye contact. Bill Griffith (the "Zippy" cartoonist) once pointed this one out: People can't hang up a phone without first staring at the handset for a moment. Just once I'd like to see someone say "Okay, bye!" and then immediately put the phone down without bonding with it -- real people don't even look at the cradle as they try to put the handset back, I'd like to see an actor fumble realistically. 6.) Video phones. People in the future always have them. That's what the phone company said would happen when they started selling them in the 1960s. And again when they started selling them again in the 1970s. And again in the 1980s. Earth to science fiction producers: Nobody wants video phones. Nobody will ever want video phones. Nobody likes to wear clothes at home. 7.) Full recoveries. Any time an antidote or cure is administered, the patient is in perfect health afterwards. This is especially worrisome on "Star Trek" whenever they get 99.99999999% of a lethal dose of radiation but it's okay as long as they stop there. It's even better when something ages them, turning their hair white, and then after a miracle cure those already-grown, dead strands of hair somehow get their pigment back within seconds. 8.) The White House. 90% of the time we see it from the back. 10% of the time we see it from the front. Nobody has ever seen it from the side. -- K. I like creative stupidity, like when Oddjob decapitates people with his one-inch-wide hat brim. But I hate whoever thought we're stupid enough to think that a muffler will make a gun go "tweet!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 18:02:26 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Not a pet peeve. Just an observation. There is a horse in every movie. > Mostly live ones, sometimes, like "The Fifth Element", a statue or a > picture. At the very least a horse's name will be mentioned (check the > jocky club website), virtually every two, three or four word phrase in > the English language has been some horse's moniker. Okay, find the horse: "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". C'mon, we're all waiting for _someone_ to go through that movie frame-by-frame so I won't have to. -- K. And where's the horse in "The Dot And The Line"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.peeves,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: gag you Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:34:40 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So back to TV/movie nerd peeves. I think it's time to revisit my list > > of peeves seen in fictional shows: > > You missed the one peeve I have been keenly aware of ever since you > mentioned it: the grocery sack with the perpetual celery. Every grocery > sack on TV has celery fronds sticking out of the top of it. > Ever since Kibo mentioned that, I have said, NUH-UH! No way could that > possibly be! So I began to do extensive research on the subject. And for > two years, every grocery sack seen on national TV has had that damned > celery. I couldn't find one single non-celeried sack. Cool, because I forgot all about having said that, assuming I ever did. > Until Saturday. I bought "Sledge Hammer! Season One" on DVD and watched > the pilot Saturday evening, where I saw Sledge leaving a grocery store > with a sack that contained NO VISIBLE CELERY. The item sticking out of > the top of the sack was an egg carton. > Let me repeat this -- THERE WAS NO VISIBLE CELERY IN SLEDGE'S SACK. Well, of course. Sledge only buys invisible celery. It sounds even more like bones breaking when you eat it. > This is easily as important as my "Sil" sighting a few years ago. Kibo > will probably ignore this just like he ignored the "Sil" sighting, but I > don't care. What "Sil" sighting? Were you watching "Doctor Who" reruns without inviting all of us over? Shame on you. Hey, what about the grocery bag Sigourney Weaver has in "Ghostbusters"? Doesn't it have to have both a carton of eggs and a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows sticking out of it because both are plot points? And what about the two bags of groceries Schwarznegger drops during one of the shootouts in "The Last Action Hero"? You should inspect both movies for evidence of celery, because I didn't. -- K. Stacia, if you get turned on by "Sledge Hammer!" as much as I do, I might also forget I ever said I'm gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey now Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2004 17:06:07 -0500 "My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > It sure is nippy outside today. Huh? Can I get an amen? You mean with a Bardex? Sorry, letters on my screen aren't putting themselves in the right order today. Also, apologies for the inevitable followup posting from lawyers threatening everyone who mentions that Bardex brand enema devices might be used to give enemas. Uh oh, enema lawyers. We better change the subject to some other medical product that won't get us all sued. Um... Oh, look, the Nurse Kitty Clothes Hanger! It's a clothes hanger shaped like a cat holding a pair of surgical scissors! How cute yet terrifying! > This delightful wooden clothes hanger is great for decoration > and practical for hanging coats and jackets. For the cat lover > or nurse, it has a unique bedside manner. Nothing says "unique bedside manner" like "cat with suture-removal shears because her claws weren't deadly enough by themselves." See it for yourself at http://www.brucemedical.com/nurkitclotha.html But don't worry, she's not real, she's just a coat hanger staring at you with her dead eyes and an evil glare of wanna-stab. -- K. I used to like cats until I saw Nurse Kitty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Clink Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:15:17 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So there's a PRISON themed resturaunt near our house. > > But when we tried to go to it, during business hours, it was CLOSED. Um, Lots? Forget "business hours". You should probably go after midnight, since dominatrixes don't work 9 to 5 (except for Lily Tomlin.) > We learned this by spotting a hand-lettered sign in the window. There were > other words below the closed but we were too far away to read them. Wow! Amazing! Someone didn't read something! I'm going to mark my calendar! This is the day when we found out the important news that some guy told us that he didn't read a sign! > I suspect they were closed because the kitchen staff rioted. Question is whether all the food will taste like really stringy pork for the first few days the new staff takes over. Check the "pork chops" for tattoos. -- K. So have you started saving up your $1600 to go to the Academy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What should I have for lunch? Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:21:59 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > I didn't bring lunch to work today. I have plenty of cash. It is too > cold to walk anywhere. My car is only a block away, in a parking lot, so > I could drive somewhere, but it would have to be someplace that had > parking, which is not too easy to find around here. I don't feel like > ordering for delivery. > > Please help. Close your eyes, relax, and think of floating in a calm blue ocean. You are not your body, and your stomach is not you. Your stomach will go away if you just ignore it and listen to the soothing, soothing sound of my voice. You are floating in the endless ocean, more relaxed than you have ever been, as the waves slowly rock you back and forth, side to side, and all is calm. You are rocking slowly, slowly, and your feet are rising up out of your body. You float up out of your body and you are floating around freely. Now look down and watch your stomach explode. -- K. I should be a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist... who solves crimes. Crimes caused by... pyschologists. Psychologists who study... psychotherapists. Pyschotherapists who treat... a small green space alien named Gazoo that only psychiatrists can hear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What should I have for lunch? Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:24:21 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Please help. > > i dunno, but i'm having homemade chili, mandarin orange > slices for dessert, and a hummense pepsicokesodapop. Heyyyyy lowercaaaaaaaaase laaaaaaaaaaaaadies, I like chili and I'll be over at six. Also I swear I thought it said you were having a human pooperscoop or something. Ecch. I'll just have the chili. And by the way, a Mandarin _is_ a human, you sickos. -- K. Rrrrr, me want chili. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:44:14 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > No, this is not another conspiracy post. > > I just wanted to say that if Googling for the ex is wrong, I don't want > to be right. > > No, I didn't find her. Hmm... I tried to help you, but Google searches on things like "turned Lots42 gay" didn't turn up anything except some pictures. -- K. You don't know that Google _is_ a conspiracy? Didn't you hear that Archie Plutonium guy explain that I secretly control all Google rankings? Don't disbelieve him just because he looks like a Ferengi... Believe the part about me being in awesome control of the entire Internet before disbelieve all the other bullshit he ever said. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 18:29:11 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I just wanted to say that if Googling for the ex is wrong, I don't want > > to be right. > > > > No, I didn't find her. > > I found her on www.alltheweb.com > > No contact info, just the name. > > She did good. > > Despite my sexxoring of her. Just let her go, man. Crying into your fursuit isn't going to bring her back, no matter what type of humanimal she left you for. Stop trying to win her over. YOU ARE NOT A PANDA AND NEVER WILL BE. Oh, wait, it's Nick Bensema that I intuited lost his woman to a furry. Sorry. I forgot you merely lost your gal when someone bought her for ten cents at the flea market. You can be a panda if you want. But remember, they only eat bamboo. If you screw up and eat a single eucalyptus leaf you turn into a koala, and if you eat Krispy Kremes you turn into an elephant. -- K. If you eat an elephant, you turn into someone too fat for their photo to fit into the Guinness Book. So only eat stick insects. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: If Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:04:34 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, wait, it's Nick Bensema that I intuited lost his woman to > > a furry. Sorry. I forgot you merely lost your gal when someone > > bought her for ten cents at the flea market. > > It was a QUARTER, YOU BITCH. Quarter? Hardly knew 'er! Wait, that joke doesn't make sense, and never did. 'Cause I only gave you two nickels. And only one was dipped in candy! I don't know where you got the other fifteen cents, unless it was from those winos who paid you to dance for them. > *cries, runs off, listens to country music* It's okay to cry. It's also okay to run off. It's even okay to listen to country music, as long as you don't do it around me. There are also other coping strategies you can use to deal with the loss of Debbie Sue Two Nickels. For instance, you could make yourself a kicky new hat out of Play-Doh, providing your neck can support fifty extra pounds that smell irresistible to toddlers with pica. Or you could cut up your TV set with garden shears. Or you could impersonate a doctor at your local grocery store and perform operations to cure people's illnesses by putting tomatoes into cantaloupes. Or you could paint a painting of a teddy bear on a rocking horse and then sell it to an idiot and then send him to art school to watch his face when he learns he bought the worst painting in the world. Or you could re-enact every scene from your favorite movie, "Lisztomania". Or you could just buy yourself a hot dog and glue diamonds all over it to make people think you're really rich. Or you could gun down all the Muppets in a really wacky manner. Or you could play "Space Invaders" and yell "Take that, Mork!" every time something dies. Or you could start your own airline made of cheese. Or you could shave the eyebrows of a million Andy Rooneys. Or you could organize a flash mob to walk into the sea. You see, there are lots of constructive ways to express your catharsis. In fact, you could even do it by composing a country song about how great I am. C'mon, get started. It'll take your mind off Debbie Sue once you start focusing on how awesome I am. -- K. Awesome awesome awesome! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paper Mario Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:54:14 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Paper Mario is so powerful that I watched my kid play it for an hour, > and I even kibbitzed a little. I ONLY do Tetris ONLY on Gameboy(tm). I don't like these modern, super-realistic and super-violent video games like Super Mario. Paper Mario sounds interesting, though. Do you need anything besides the graph paper and all the funny-sided dice to play it? > Then today when the kids were fighting over the housecleaning (for my > birthday party - come over tomorrow if you are free) the loss of Paper > Mario for one day brought a level 10 tantrum to a complete halt. If you think that was a level 10, come over here and I'll recalibrate your scale. I defy anyone to mollify a full-on Kibo episode with the addition or removal of any video game published by Nintendo. (Atari, on the other hand...) > But then there was a gluey mousetrap butter side down on the linoleum > which I spent some time trying to detach. Mmm, mouse butter on linoleum. Wait, that's not a real type of sandwich! Well, we can dream. Mmm, imaginary edible linoleum. Is it made from the same stuff as that linoleum tile at the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices that said it could grow back lost arms and legs in 1976? > It was very difficult but since I am f*cked up on NorCo, it was kind of > entrancing. Scrape scrape. Add acetone. scrape scrape. yell at kids. > Etc So tell us about your mouse problem. I haven't had a good mouse problem since about 1991. That was the one that kept waltzing his way through my entire stove and coming up under the burners before the stupid electric thing could heat up. -- K. I'm not sure anyone here has ever seen a full Kibo tantrum, in fact, I haven't really gotten angry enough to yell since the "THEY HAVE NO FOOD! WE ARE LEAVING!" incident. Usually when I get mad... my voice... gets... lower... and... people... better... run. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Paper Mario Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:21:33 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > Paper Mario is so powerful that I watched my kid play it for an hour, > > > and I even kibbitzed a little. > > > > Do you need anything besides the graph paper and all the funny-sided > > dice to play it? > > I WATCHED it. I didnt understand it. Hey, cool, suddenly I like it. > There appears to be a necessity for a sidekick of some kind that blows > things up. Just like real life! By the way, if anyone needs a sidekick, I'm currently available. > Another sidekick appears to be in charge of all the Clues. There are > also opportunities to be severely beaten with an ultrahammer by one's > evil twin. Tetris doenst have this option. Depends on who you play it with. I may not be your evil twin, but I'm available. > > So tell us about your mouse problem. > > Well, the best part was that I discovered it when I opened my pantry to > find my 25 lb sack of Krusteaz severely deflated with little mouse > biteprints at the base and a HUGE pile of Krusteaz and a small pile of > mouse doots in my pantry. I guess this means you won't be making any of your famous 25-pound doot-free biscuits when I visit. > My mice were coming in from behind the stove too, so I put a stickie at > the portal. Despite one mouse stuck there squeaking, another joined in. > I really didnt expect the mice to be that easy to fool. Then I went > upstairs where i couldnt hear the squeaking and sent the men to deal > with them. That's the thing about glue traps. They cause mice to shriek surprisingly loud for hours and hours until they get so exhausted that they collapse and smother themselves. (They sometimes chew their own leg off to escape, too.) I won't use glue traps, they're just way too cruel. Well, I mean, I won't use them on _mice_. > PS, I look forward to viewing a Kibo tantrum. When I come I will bring > a Taser (Fnarr away you preverts) Cool! I don't have a Taser brand Taser yet. I've been looking to complete my collection with something milder like that. > PPS I could bring my son, but you two are clearly part of the same > subspecies and I would be eating my chinese alone (STOP it, I said) What, your son's a genius? -- K. In exchange for the Taser, I'll bake you one of my famous hundred-and-seventy- pound Bob Hope-shaped biscuits with a surprise inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: President allegedly authorizes torture, nobody really surprised Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 17:51:30 -0500 E-mail has turned up saying the President says it's okay for Bad Things to happen to Bad People. [www.aclu.org] -> -> [...] -> -> The two-page e-mail that references an Executive Order -> states that the President directly authorized interrogation -> techniques including sleep deprivation, stress positions, -> the use of military dogs, and "sensory deprivation through -> the use of hoods, etc." [...] I'm not going to say it, I'm not going to say it. You know what I'm not going to say. So does President Pervert. -> Another e-mail, dated December 2003, describes an incident -> in which Defense Department interrogators at Guantanamo Bay -> impersonated FBI agents while using "torture techniques" -> against a detainee. The e-mail concludes "If this detainee -> is ever released or his story made public in any way, DOD -> interrogators will not be held accountable because these -> torture techniques were done [sic] the 'FBI' interrogators. -> The FBI will [sic] left holding the bag before the public." Department Of Defense adopting E-Prime because E-prime concise, plans eventually to Yoda speak combine with for clarity additional. But what about that time the President personally tortured that newborn baby by jamming a silver foot in his mouth? Oh, wait, that was solo play. Never mind. His kink's okay, though not as okay as Clinton's or Kennedy's or Benjamin "Kinkmaster General" Franklin's. Nixon, on the other hand, you don't want to be alone with him. -- K. Especially with his coffin being so small. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: President allegedly authorizes torture, nobody really surprised Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:29:39 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I conflated the words "authorizes torture" in the subject into a single > portmanteau word, "TORTURIZES". > > I hereby urge all good citizens to spread the use of the word "TORTURIZES" > in casual conversation. first one to get it into a newspaper of record > wins. I call dibs on the movie title "The Torturizer", in which the Marquis de Sade builds a time machine to fight killer robots in the lawless world of the future. His arch-enemy would be a shape-shifting robot made from a blob of liquid licorice candy. Also, it would star the lieutenant governor of California, even though I don't know who he is. Anyway, I called dibs, so nobody can make that movie without at least offering me a cameo as the king of the future. -- K. "The Torturizer! In space, nobody can hear you not scream! Rated PG-13." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My god, apparently _anything_ can be gayed up Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 18:43:17 -0500 Seen in The Advocate (www.advocate.com): -> -> The Mis-Match Game. This recurring Los Angeles happening reimagines -> the '70s TV game show Match Game with full-camp press and excellent -> sub-lebrity impersonations. Okay, I can see a drag queen who looks like Brett Somers. (Without even leaving my neighborhood.) But where will they find someone who can make Charles Nelson Reilly campier? Even Truman Capote with a vodka enema wouldn't be that flouncy. And as far as a gay Gene Rayburn... well, no gay _human_ has a forehead like that. Had Neanderthals even invented gay people yet? The Advocate's link to "The Mis-Match Game" goes to The Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center (www.laglc.org), which had no information about it, so I went digging in the Google cache to find: => The Lily Tomlin/Jane Wagner => Cultural Arts Center Presents => => One Night Only Special Event => Get ready to match the stars! Live! On stage! => => It's the MIS-MATCH GAME => Special surprise guest stars! => Swinging reception after the show! => Fabulous prize for the best '70s outfit! => All proceeds benefit the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center => => Dig out that leisure suit and join host Dennis Hensley and a panel of some => of L.A.'s funniest comic minds for an irreverent, racy parody of '70s game => show insanity. => => The Renberg Theatre => Saturday, September 25, 8 p.m. => All tickets $15 => Call 323-860-7300 Aww, I missed it. Wait, "Match Game" counted as "insanity"? A bunch of grown-ups sitting around saying "tinkle" and "bazooms"? Fucking lame insanity. -- K. Whenever anyone actually says "fuck", somewhere Brett Somers gets older. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Movie listings Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:27:09 -0500 Suppose you saw these two nearly-identical items in your local television listings. Which movie would be the funnier of the two? STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what happens next! (Comedy) STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what happens next! (Drama) No, there's no "(Science Fiction)" version for the nerds in your life. -- K. (Action) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie listings Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 02:43:08 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose you saw these two nearly-identical items in your local > > television listings. Which movie would be the funnier of the two? > > > > STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the > > world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what > > happens next! (Comedy) > > > > STUPIDPANTS The world's biggest idiot is left in charge of the > > world's most valuable painting, and you'll never guess what > > happens next! (Drama) > > This is all very paradoxical and makes my internal robot's head explode. > > The obvious thing in both cases would be for someone to try to steal the > painting. No, the most obvious thing would be for Rowan Atkinson and/or Peter Sellers and/or Jerry Lewis and/or Jim Carrey to accidentally destroy it and then replace it with a crude replica he made smearing his own feces on the corpse of Charlie Chaplin. You're just not stupid enough to predict movies like this. > But really there are a lot of other comedic possibilities -- > actually, having someone try to steal the painting is one of the less > funny because it is so predectable -- and I feel that there are fewer > dramatic possibilities (someone tries to steal the painting, or nothing > much happens and we just get to see how unpleasant it is being the > world's biggest idiot doing an important yet menial job that nobody > respects -- do you think that security guards at an art gallery make > that much more than the ones at Logan do? -- or maybe the guard gets > fired and has to deal with failure. Hmmmm.) You know, you've thought about this premise more than anyone in Hollywood ever has. The correct answer to "What happens next?" is "Hilarity ensues," and after that, "They learn the meaning of friendship." > But all of this gets turned on its head when the restriction that we'll > never guess what happens next is put into play. Because, first of all, > since I can think of so many more things that can happen next if it's a > comedy than if it's a drama then it follows logically that I have to > elimiate all of those things at that the number of /unexpected/ plot > twists in a drama is actually much greater! But the twist ending can only be one of (a) the unkillable bad guys dissolve in tap water or (b) the idiot and the painting are actually two personalities of the same crazy person or (c) it was all a really crappy dream or (d) there's a big dance number and some bloopers. Unless it's a "Space: 1999" episode, in which case the twist ending is always (e) the swirly blob goes away for no reason. > Except that since I'm eliminating out of hand obvious plot twists like > the art gallery being robbed then I obviously wouldn't guess them so > maybe that's what happens after all. That would be sort of > disappointing. But I would have guessed that the plot twist was going > to be disappointing, so maybe it would actually be pretty good. You > never know with these things. You know, I have a movie about a bloated dead dog you need to see. The best part is that if you watch it twice, the twist ending gets even more surprising! > Anyway, my guess in both cases is that the security guard happens to > have red hair and is hired by a mysterious 'red-haired league' to go > into a room and transcribe all of USENET for a surprisingly good salary > so that the mysterious hunchback who lives in the art gallery's attic > can use the guard's office to dig into the neighboring pharmacy so he > can get oxycontin and viagra to sell over the Internet. It's orange, not red, and I don't transcribe all of Usenet, I just write all the original material Usenet is based on. > The plot's pretty similar in both the comedy and the drama, but in the > drama I stub my toe and in the comedy it's you who gets hurt, and the > comedy takes place in the future and features Ronald Reagan instead of > Paul Henreid. In both versions the leatherman is the only one who gets > a good line. Comedy is when you stub your toe. Drama is when I make you stub your toe. Tragedy is when you don't stub your toe on cue. Science fiction is when you stub your toe and it regenerates so you can do it again. Documentary is when you really stub your toe. Horror is when you stab your toe. Usenet is when several million people think about new ways to stub your toe. -- K. "Stub" is a funny word. Like "nougat" and "murder". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie listings Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:09:00 -0500 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But the twist ending can only be one of (a) the unkillable bad guys > > dissolve in tap water or (b) the idiot and the painting are actually > > two personalities of the same crazy person or (c) it was all a > > really crappy dream or (d) there's a big dance number and some bloopers. > > Unless it's a "Space: 1999" episode, in which case the twist ending > > is always (e) the swirly blob goes away for no reason. > > "We don't have enough in the budget for any more swirly blob footage > for this episode" is a PERFECTLY VALID reason [...] The reason for that budget shortfall was that in a previous episode, Martin Landau and Barbara Bain had met an actor playing Rudyard Kipling, and he read them this poem he'd just written about Jar-Jar Binks, but then Mr. Kipling's widow saw the episode and demanded that the "Kipling" character be removed, so they had to redo the episode with a new swirly blob covering up Imitation Rudyard Kipling. That infamous version of "Gunga Din" (1939) just got released on DVD (probably due to a halo effect of the "Star Wars" prequels) but I'm not going to bother watching it just to find out if the mysterious sloppy erasure of A Guy Dressed Like Rudyard Kipling is or isn't included, because I know that version of the movie doesn't have anything else I'd be interested in, such as Martin Landau being molested by a giant swirling blob. ("The Entity" was a disappointing movie, since Martin Landau killed the giant invisible gas blob that was raping women before it could make him its bitch. Or was that "The Being"? I never can remember all the details of the part of his career that "Space: 1999" ruined. Wait, he wasn't even in "The Entity" at all. But it did have the only member of Saturday Night Live's original "Not Ready For Prime Time Players" to have been erased from the historical record, possibly explaining why he later helped defend Max Headroom from the evil Charlie Rocket.) -- K. So, who here likes Jar-Jar? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My downstairs neighbor: a simulator Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:25:26 -0500 Jim Blackburn (wqgzasx02@hamsneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > "Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. > Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. > Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh." > > Every five minutes. > > I never thought someone could make yawning so annoying. You sure he's yawning? He might just be a werewolf. Wait, then he'd only do that once every 28 days when there's a full moon. He must be a weresomething that changes every five minutes. What sort of freaky transformation is triggered by TV commercials? A wereidiot? You should hear the wonderful protracted snarls and growls I make when I wake up and stretch out the old alveoli. If you lived upstairs from me you'd think there were a lion down here. But actually, I'm the only person in this building not to own cats and/or a subminiature twitchdog. I wanted to get a turtle, but a reptile expert told me I didn't have enough space. Why should a turtle need any space? They wear their own little house! Plus if the turtle did want more space I could always build another room in less time that it would take the turtle to crawl across the first one. -- K. Grrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhrrraaarrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with My Dog Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 15:19:44 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) said: > > > > I love truck stops. With all those 'trade in your books/books on tape' > > deals they got going, you get access to tons of stuff not easily > > available. Also, trucker-sex. > > I thought you said you were not gay for the mens. I think he means only likes the butch ones and... eww, no, Lots42, you can't have my phone number. Also, my Teamsters membership is long expired. > Or are womens becoming truckers, trucking, and giving "it" out at > truckstops in exchange for books/books on tape? Yeah, and it's a good thing none of them are lesbians -- all the lezzies got out of the transportation sector when gay men took it over just to seduce them for their used books. -- K. I didn't even know Tom Of Finland made any books on tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Did Anyone Notice That I'm Gone?? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 20:34:42 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > What I want for Christmas at this point is a long "Christmas > > Conversations With My Dogs" from Lots42. Right now Lots is the only > > man who can make me happy. > > Great. Pressure. > > *fake sobs, hides under bed* Yay! Suddenly I'm happy because Lots42 is owning up to, and letting us watch, the inner turmoil he lives in every day as he prepares to confront the sexual confusion he's been experiencing ever since seeing that episode of "Batman" where Liberace saved the day! It's okay, Lots42, you can come out from under the bed, it's good practice for the closet. We'll still love you even if you turn out to be exactly the same sort of flaming flea-market vendor stereotype we all think you are. Once you've figured out your orientation, it'll be so good for you, because it'll make you happy to have strangers call you "sweetie" and "darling" and "sailor". Or you could go the other way and be butch -- no, wait, I guess you couldn't. Stick with the stereotype that works for you. Well, that one will be easier for you, since every city has several bars just for your stereotype. And you can get a job at any florist shop or hair salon or even work as a graphic de-- we are now changing the subject. Stop talking about how incredibly gay you are. Let's talk sports. Isn't football super? -- K. Are you going with the Bears or the Packers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Did Anyone Notice That I'm Gone?? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 22:10:22 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yay! Suddenly I'm happy because Lots42 is owning up to, and letting us > > watch, the inner turmoil he lives in every day as he prepares to confront > > the sexual confusion he's been experiencing ever since seeing that episode > > of "Batman" where Liberace saved the day! > > Suddenly, all his "Kibo is watching my house" posts make a whole lot > more sense. That's what his house gets for being so flambouyantly cruisy, just standing there in its gold lame' pants and no shirt, playing with its own nipples while licking its lips. Yuk! One can't help but stare in disbelief that Lots42's stereotype house is being _so_ on-the-nose. Of course, Lots42's cruisy house would probably have better luck if it were in a different part of town, or better yet, just in LazyTown so it could get it on with Sportacus's big rubbery zeppelin. (It's so teal!) -- K. How come nobody but me ever mentions "LazyTown"? It's like having half your brain removed and replaced by pure Icelandic LSD that likes to jump over your frontal lobe while doing mid-air splits. Also, Robbie Rotten looks a lot like Jay Johnston, except without knocking over any thimbles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's brown and sounds like a bell? TONGGGG!!! Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:15:21 -0500 [from story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan police say the victim, a -> 25-year-old man, awoke Saturday morning with a metal object -> protruding from his body. -> -> The victim, who police say was using cocaine at the time, -> told police he does not remember much of what happened. They never do after these UFO abductions which inevitably lead to mixing recreational drugs with anal probings. -> He told doctors he was drinking and using cocaine at his -> mobile home Friday night when he saw two women outside his -> home and invited them in. -> -> The victim's cousin took him to Memorial Health University -> Medical Center Saturday after he complained of pain. Doctors -> surgically removed an object identified as "one half of a -> pair of food tongs," and turned it over to police. I think the proper term for the item now is "one half of a pair of no way in hell anyone's using these on food now tongs." -> No information was available on the man's condition, -> according to a hospital spokesman. Yeah, but what about the condition of the tongs? This is important to know in case they go up for sale on eBay. -> The two women are wanted on aggravated sexual battery charges, -> but police say they aren't having much luck finding them. Maybe first they should find the other half of the tongs. -> "We have no descriptions of the women, being that (the -> victim) is not cooperating with the police," police -> spokesman Sgt. Mike Wilson said. "And there's little we can -> do to urge cooperation." Sure you can. You can just clack a pair of tongs in front of his face a few times. He'll confess to whatever you want. Unless he's one of those weirdos who likes tongs up his ass. And nobody who's found with one of them inside could possibly be the sort of person who would enjoy that, right? I'm sure the police will get to the bottom of this. -- K. Don't tell me he couldn't afford an actual ass speculum -- disposable plastic rectal specula cost less than salad tongs. I don't think you could use them for all the same things, though -- they just won't pick up cucumbers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: But how do the Mime Police read you your rights? Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:29:42 -0500 [from www.news.harvard.edu, discussing Bogota, Colombia] -> -> Another innovative idea was to use mimes to improve both traffic -> and citizens' behavior. Initially 20 professional mimes shadowed -> pedestrians who didn't follow crossing rules: A pedestrian running -> across the road would be tracked by a mime who mocked his every move. Yeah, great safety idea, having scary mimes chasing people into traffic. -> Mimes also poked fun at reckless drivers. The program was so popular -> that another 400 people were trained as mimes. And now they're all dead. At least it probably reduced the odds of the reckless drivers trying to run over anyone who _isn't_ a mime. And that's all that matters. Damn safety mimes. I'd rather be hit by a car than have to watch someone who thinks him pretending to pull an invisible rope will entertain someone with a brain the size of mine (bigger than a lentil.) Suddenly I want to get a car just so I can drive to Colombia and crush mimes. -- K. "trained as mimes"? Bet that doesn't compare to the difficult curriculum of Santa school. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Reusing trademarks is _not_ a brilliant idea. Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:51:48 -0500 Okay, so we all know that the airline reservation company Orbitz decided it was cheaper to buy the trademark of the defunct soft drink Orbitz than to spend ten bucks to hire some college student to tell them "Name your company anything but Orbitz, 'cause that stuff went out of business after it made all those people puke." Well, in the latest example of this trend of recycling trademarks for things that sucked, I present: Kazaam Crunch. Kellogg's latest incarnation of Rice Krispies Treats snack bars is "Kazaam Crunch". That's right, it's a food product named after one of the biggest movie flops in memory, the one starring a basketball player as the rapping genie with the flying bicycle who lives in a ghetto blaster. What's next? Rollerball Roll-Ups? Master Of Disguise Snack Size? Organic Catwoman Cookies? Baby Geniuses In A Drum? Newman's Own Gigli? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish eating this box of Kellogg's Rectangular Turds so that I can photograph that the box says "Kazaam" on it right before I throw it away. -- K. Cat In The Hat Nerve Gas? Hey, it would still be less painful than the movie. "Grab my belly and make a wish." -- Kazaam (THE MOVIE) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Joy Of Festivus Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 15:09:50 -0500 [www.cnn.com] -> -> 'Seinfeld' Festivus display vies with Nativity -> -> Christmas scene allowed on public property, so are other religions -> -> BARTOW, Florida (AP) -- When a Florida church group put a -> Nativity scene on public property, officials warned it might -> open the door to other religious -- and not-so-religious -- -> displays. They were right. -> -> Since the Nativity was erected in Polk County, displays have -> gone up honoring Zoroastrianism and the fake holiday -> Festivus, featured on the TV sitcom "Seinfeld." Yeah, it's a fake holiday because someone made it up, unlike Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, Love Day, Boxing Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day, and everyone's favorite naturally-occurring holiday, Administrative Assistants' Day. -> The Polk County Commission voted 4-1 Wednesday to permit the -> Nativity scene to remain across the street from the -> courthouse, as well as to make that area a "public forum" -> open to any type of display. -> -> But the commission insisted that unless someone claims a -> particular display and submits a written request asking it -> remain, it would be removed. By Wednesday evening, no one -> had claimed the Festivus display, and the commission said it -> would come down; a woman claimed the Zoroastrianism display, -> which was to stay. I call dibs on the imaginary Kibology display. Support imaginary Kibology! -> The debate began December 15 when a handmade creche with the -> figures of Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus was erected by a -> Bible study group from the First Baptist Church of Bartow. OoooooooOOOOOOOOoooooh, a HAND!MADE! creche! That's so much better than all those other public Nativity displays dropped from robotic flying saucers from the planet Xmas! -> "The real spirit of Christmas is the birth of Christ," said -> Marvin Pittman, a retired law enforcement officer and member -> of the congregation. "We felt it needs to be in the public -> eye, so we did it." -> -> Other displays are fine, too, he said, adding, "If somebody -> wants to do that, it's their right." -> -> And true to form, the site almost immediately sprouted -> alternative displays, including a simple sign that reads: -> "Festivus for the Rest of Us -- Donated to Polk County by -> the Seinfeld Fan Club." -> -> The display, a reference to the fake holiday featured on an -> episode of the television sitcom, did not include the totem -> of Festivus -- a bare aluminum pole instead of a tree. Key -> rituals of Festivus include accusing others of being a -> disappointment and wrestling. Wrong! You don't accuse others of being a disappointment. You _list_ all the ways they've disappointed you. CNN, I'm very disappointed in how you can't even watch enough TV reruns to report factually on "Seinfeld". Festivus is not over until CNN can pin me. -> Another display celebrating Zoroastrianism was erected by -> Stella Darby, who wanted to encourage people to research the -> ancient Persian religion. But is it as funny as "Seinfeld"? -> Richard Blank, a member of the American Civil Liberties -> Union, objected to the Nativity scene's presence on public -> property, arguing it violates the constitutional separation -> of church and state. -> -> "The Nativity scene is totally celebratory of the birth of -> Christ," he said. "Not everyone subscribes to that, and -> those who do should put it on their own property." I think we should pass a law making celebrating Christianity legal anywhere on December 25th, as long as it's forbidden for the rest of the year. Damn Christmas carol Muzak! -> But a board member who voted to allow the creche as part of -> the "public forum" disagreed with Blank. "A group had asked -> to display a scene important to their beliefs; I felt we -> shouldn't suppress their right to do so," said Commissioner -> Samuel K. Johnson. Good thing he uses his middle initial, otherwise he'd have to put up with people constantly suggesting new words for his dictionary, like "regifter", and he'd get so tired of this that he'd define them all as "yadda yadda yadda". -- K. "Kickshaw: A dish so changed by the cookery that it can scarcely be known." -- Johnson's dictionaary ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 22:32:08 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > As Lots42 leaves for his flea market, a thinly veiled metaphor > > for the world of promiscuous homosexual encounters, > > I don't understand why everyone thinks the flea market is a haven for > gay sex Because you go there to stare at all the gay guys because all the other vendors are flamin' gay stereotypes that primarily exist in the queer world of flea markorgies. Sheesh! Do we have to draw you a diagram of the diagram you've already drawn for us? SYLLOGISM (WITH A "G") Major premise: You said the vendors are mainly florid gay stereotypes. Minor premise: You said you are a vendor. Conclusion: Therefore, you're either Socrates, or at least as gay as he was. LOOK IN THE MAGIC MIRROR, CINDERELLA! THE GAYEST MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK IS... YOU! > After all, it was just last year when they replaced the curtains that > acted as stall doors with real stall doors. Are you sure this was even a flea market? Did the main entrance have one of those goldfish bowls filled condoms with little packets of trial-size lube, or just the usual bowl of LifeStyles condoms? > The above sentence is 100 percent true. How can a fact be 50% true? Would that be if I said "Lots42 went to two florgy markets today" when you had only been to one? -- K. I should start a flea market with a "no straights allowed" policy. Then the straight guys would demand to be allowed to pay the $500 admission. I'd be rich! Plus I could sell all 500,000 of them T-shirts that said "THE ONLY STRAIGHT PERSON HERE". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 14:35:16 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo--- Get the living fuck off the boy Lots'unwelted back and go play > > with leathermen your own age. You can be SO nasty when you're all > > hormonal and shit. > > Don't tell kibo to be nice. That was the best part of the thread. Don't tell Darla not to be mean. And anything about me is always the best part of any thread. > -phy (maybe one day I will become more bitter and less mean) It's all in how well you focus your energies. Me, I have a LASERBRAIN. Why do I suddenly taste quinine? -- K. So has anyone seen Seth Goldin lately? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not-Christmas Conversation With My Dogs Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 13:57:04 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > DarlaV (darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Karlo-- what can I say? Your review [of Lots42's conversation with > > his male dogs] and analysis is perfection, insightful, thoughtful, > > and clearly from a deep place in which you are one with your emotions > > and the nearby universe. > > Don't you mean GAYNIVERSE? Keep talking, Lots. It's okay to talk things through. We understand. There are tens of thousands of people here, and two or three of them are as gay as you. Hey, could you introduce me to them? -- K. Is this the episode where you keep worrying "It moved!" or is this the episode where you keep saying "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh! People are pretending to be mean! On the Internet! Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 02:18:30 -0500 [from news.com.com] -> -> Inflicting pain on 'griefers' -> -> By David Becker -> -> As online-game companies court new and wider audiences, many are -> running into an old problem: "griefers," a small but seemingly -> irradicable set of players who want nothing more than to murder, -> loot and otherwise frustrate the heck out of everyone else. ...and force them to sign up for CapitolOne credit cards. YARRRR! I AM A SPACE VIKING BRINGING TIDINGS OF LOW RATES! WHAT'S IN YOUR IMAGINARY WALLET? -> Social miscreants can do more than ruin the game for -> better-behaved competitors. They can hurt game companies' bottom -> line by driving away customers and burning up support lines. -> Problems related to grief players often account for 25 percent or -> more of customer service calls, according to game publishers. It's really a bad idea to call tech support when the bad kids are mean, because more than 25% of tech support staffers are bigger meanies than the average 13-year-old griefer. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. * The leprechaun taunts you, rudely. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. * The leprechaun gives you a wedgie, indicated by you seeing a sentence saying you are being given a wedgie. * The leprechaun steals 1 gold piece. > Say "Waah! Stop picking on me! I'm going to call the BOFH!" * The BOFH presses the secret button that sends 600 volts into the earpiece of your phone. * You are dead. Also, the game is over. -> Now an increasing number of companies are fighting back, using a -> combination of technology, sociology and psychology to limit -> griefer damage. Success could be important to the industry's -> growth, as companies seek to expand beyond the audience of -> hard-core players to more casual customers, many of whom are -> unlikely to tolerate bad experiences for long. I bet they'll use clever psychology to produce some tiny, in-game propaganda posters to convince people not to be griefers. Of course, in the propaganda industry, "clever psychology" usually means "writing a slogan that makes no sense but sort of rhymes," such as "YOU CAN'T SPELL 'GRIEFER' WITHOUT 'REEFER'!" -> "A couple of people causing problems can really wreck the game -> for everybody else," said David Cole, president of research -> company DFC Intelligence. "I think it's one of the biggest -> business concerns you have running an online game." There should be a separate game just for the griefers, where they could be mean to nerds. It would be just for those "couple of people" and it would be wildly popular. -> The stakes are big. According to research firm Yankee Group, -> multiplayer online games had 2.4 million U.S. subscribers and -> generated $209 million in revenue last year. That's expected to -> grow to 5.2 million subscribers and $556 million in revenue by -> 2008. How many dollars is that per wedgie? -> Standing in the way of such growth are players such as -> "Evangeline," a "Sims Online" player who became an emblem of the -> griefer mentality when she described her techniques and -> motivation in an interview published late last year by online -> forum The Second Life Herald, formerly known as Alphaville -> Herald. And it's the most important psychological journal published by Jean-Luc Godard. -> Evangeline said she liked to torture new players ("newbies") by -> luring them into a house specifically designed to trap and -> torture them. "Newbies are so disgusting...they're the bane of my -> Sim life," she said. "I'll cage (you) like an animal and have -> people laugh at (you)." "Waah! I'm trapped in an imaginary Roach Motel with a dominatrix who is probably a 13-year-old boy!" -> Ganging up on newbies is typical griefer behavior in games with -> large multiplayer universes, such as "Sims Online" or -> "EverQuest." and "The Internet". -> In games such as "EverQuest" that include player-vs.-player -> combat, griefers typically lure new players into hidden areas, -> then kill them and loot their corpses for valuable in-game goods. -> One of the most common griefer tactics is to camp out at "spawn -> spots" -- locations where characters enter the game world after -> dying or logging off -- and attack arriving players the second -> they materialize. So you don't get mugged, whenever you spawn, immediately give your wallet to the spawn spot's official wallet inspector for safekeeping. -> Dissecting griefer dysfunction -> -> Such behavior may not be strictly against the rules of the game, -> but it violates the social contract between players and can -> quickly send new players packing for the real world. I know. I hate it whenever I'm playing "Pong" and the other player violates the social contract I ask them to sign saying they will never attempt to get the ball past me. -> "You never get a second chance to make a first impression," said -> Cameron Ferroni, general manager for Microsoft's Xbox Live -> online-game service, recalling old Head & Shoulders commercials. Then he burst into tears when he remembered being taunted over his hideous dandruff problem. -> John Suler, a psychologist at Rider University in Lawrenceville, -> N.J., has studied deviant behavior in online game communities and -> found that griefers fall into two basic camps. What about those who refuse to be pegged as one or the other because they are an expert in _every_ type of meaniness? I'm just askin'. -> "Some of them are kind of antisocial types, where their cause is -> to fight the authority figure," Suler said. "They take more -> pleasure in the grief they cause for the company that runs the -> game. That may stem back to difficult relations with parents and -> authority figures." "Parents should brainwash their children from an early age to always respect the most important authority figures in our society -- companies that sell videogames." -> For the other basic type of griefer, it's personal. -> -> "Sometimes it's just a matter of wanting to hurt other people, -> cause grief for them," Suler said. "It might be a form of -> displacement for people who have been victimized in other areas -> of their life. They cope by turning the passive into the active: -> 'Now I'm the person who victimizes other people.'" Suler really shouldn't say mean things about griefers. He's not a very nice person if he's trying to hurt their feelings. -> Dealing with both types may start with mom's advice about -> bullies: Ignore them, and they'll go away. "They want attention," -> Suler said, "so if you ignore them, they may give up." I prefer the advice Morticia Addams gave to Wednesday: "If she cuts off your head, you cut hers off right back!" -> Mitigating damage -> -> Sony Online Entertainment, publisher of "EverQuest" and the newer -> "Star Wars Galaxies," relies heavily on social structures to -> mitigate griefer damage, said George Scotto, vice president of -> customer service. And "Star Wars" is the perfect place to look for examples of fine, wholesome social structures. You remember, it was that movie where the bad guys were modelled on Nazis but then a guy in his bathrobe blew up thousands of them and then the good guys held a Nazi victory rally and everyone was happy that the good Nazis murdered the bad Nazis. -> With tens of thousands of players involved in each game daily, -> Sony can't police everything, Scotto said. Thus, he added, much -> of the work of keeping games clean and fun falls to fellow -> players. "EverQuest" players usually join "guilds," in-game -> communities where failure to play nice will get you booted out. -> -> "With 'EverQuest,' you have six-year span where the player base -> has built up a community," Scotto said. "Players know each other -> and watch out for each other. The guilds have a good -> neighborhood-watch effect." ...until the Teamsters take over and show all the thirteen-year-olds pretending to be Darth Vader how the game is played for real. -> "If one player can't harm another player in a game, you can't -> really have griefing." -> -> -- Jack Emmert, "City of Heroes" designer * Itchy says, "More lemonade?" > Say "Yes, please." * Itchy says, "I made it just for you!" * You drink the lemonade. Is it (a) delicious or (b) very delicious? -> "Star Wars Galaxies," which recently marked its one-year -> anniversary, has been more of a challenge, Scotto said, with Sony -> having to do more to educate players about the best way to have -> the kind of game experience they want. -> -> "When 'Galaxies' launched, we had a lot of people who were new to -> MMOGs (massively multiplayer online games) and didn't really -> understand how they worked, so there was a learning curve," he -> said. "We try to teach players how to work out issues on their -> own. We have to encourage our players to do that. Our worlds are -> so big; we can't be everywhere all the time." Yeah, it's easy to track players in a 10,000-centon-wide space but impossible to do the same in a 100,000-centon-wide space. 'Cause those distances inside the computer are like, real and stuff. -> Game developer Cryptic Studios took a more hard-line approach to -> troublemakers in designing the hit online superhero game "City of -> Heroes," which pulled in nearly 200,000 subscribers in its first -> fourth months on the market. The game had to be accessible to -> casual players and newcomers to online games, said Jack Emmert, -> lead designer for the game. That meant limiting interactions -> between players solely to chat. Yeah, no sex allowed, just like in real life. -> An upcoming expansion will include an online arena for -> player-vs.-player battles, but the outcomes won't affect -> character development or assets. Wow! For the first time, I can pretend to be a superhero without losing any IQ points! Finally, cyber-wedgies have become harmless! -> "The entire game design is about getting somebody who isn't an -> insider into the MMOG genre and having fun as quickly as -> possible, and griefing would just ruin that," Emmert said. "We -> just eliminated that possibility. If one player can't harm -> another player in a game, you can't really have griefing." Or gaming. I can't wait to see this guy's new boxing game. * The other player offers you candy. * Do you (a) declare a draw or (b) declare a tie? -> Behave or get the boot -> -> The advent of online capabilities for video game consoles has -> opened new frontiers in griefing. While online PC games have a -> preponderance of complex fantasy role-playing games such as -> "EverQuest," online games for the Xbox and PlayStation 2 are -> dominated by shooters and sports titles, including the smash -> football franchise "Madden NFL." Coming soon: The first Massively Multiplayer Online Football Game! Hike the ball to any of the 500,000 quarterbacks on the field before the other 35,000,000 players pile on him! -> Most Madden players want a clean, realistic game of football, -> said Danny "Coach Dee" Palmieri, founder of the New York Ballers -> Club, a "Madden" fan club. Conflicts happen when straight-up -> players encounter punks who will exploit any glitch to squeeze -> out a victory. -> -> "There are glitches in the game, so that if you position guys in -> certain ways, it's almost impossible to get the ball off," -> Palmieri said. "Most guys want to play real-life football, like -> they see every Sunday, so they're not going to use those -> glitches. Other people just manipulate it any way they can to get -> the win." It's a good thing everyone who plays in the real NFL just wants to play for fun and not try to win. That's why the official rules of the NFL fit on a business card and all the players look happy all the time. Also, nobody uses steroids and they all have human necks. -> Publisher Electronic Arts has implemented a "fair play" system to -> discourage such play. But the surest way to have a clean game is -> to join a group such as the Ballers Club, Palmieri said. -> -> "We have certain criteria people have to play by," he said. "If -> we catch you doing something cheesy, we ban you. People need to -> know they're going to get a fair shot." But football without cheesy is like a Super Bowl without a halftime show! -> Microsoft has employed a combination of social and technical -> approaches to try to keep its Xbox Live online-game service -> grief-free, said Microsoft's Ferroni. -> -> The service's "friends list" feature is used extensively by most -> players, he said, allowing them to play only against people they -> know and trust. "If you don't play with strangers, you don't -> really have to worry about bad behavior," Ferroni said. And if you don't play with yourself, you don't have to worry about growing up to talk like Bill Gates. -> Microsoft has instituted a number of avenues for players to leave -> feedback on one other, meaning that a person can check someone's -> reputation before playing them. If a player gets a critical mass -> of bad feedback, Microsoft will ban the person from Xbox Live, a -> measure the company has resorted to in a few thousand -> cases -- enough to serve as a potent deterrent. -> -> "They're banned from the entire service -- they can't just jump -> over to another game," Ferroni said. "These people love games, so -> that's the last thing they want to happen." And banning bullies from school is a potent deterrent because bullies love school! -> The upshot is that Microsoft hardly receives any support calls -> anymore about unfair play on Xbox Live, Ferroni said. "It's not -> in our top 20 issues," he said. "It really doesn't make it on our -> radar." "In fact, Bill Gates hasn't been given a cyber-wedgie in almost 3.2 minutes!" -> Copyright (c)1995-2004 CNET Networks, Inc. All rights reserved. It took nine years to write that article? Sheesh. That's longer than it takes to put corrective beauty makeup on Bill Murray. -- K. (Sorry, Bill, but you were on my TV when I was finishing this article. Have you ever considered wearing a Darth Vader mask?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gaah! Brain burn-in! Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 14:26:58 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > I was reading an article this morning about litigation in the cable > industry. The article ended with: > > "...only the lawyers and the lobbyists will win." > > I misread that as: > > "...only the lawyers and the kibologists will win." I don't think so. The lawyers would be the _first_ ones defeated by the Kibologists. It would just make it that much easier for us to defeat all the other people in the world without them trying to sue us over the atomic wedgies. > What I want to know is, what did we win? Do we have to have a > semifinal battle royale against the lawyers to claim our prize? Do we > get to remove "trophies" from the dead, bleeding bodies of the > lawyers? It's more fun to pull out their beating heart while they're still alive, although you can't really do that since technically lawyers don't have hearts. But you can pull out that little wad of fake Beanie Baby stuffing that's in their chest cavity. Hey, does anyone else here remember Beanie Babies? > Do we have to defend our titles every year, or is this winner take all > / winner keep all kind of battle? I think that you know the answer: Eventually, Kibo wins, because Kibo always wins. We can do this the easy way... or the hard way... and I'm all out of bubble gum. > And what about... Naomi? Please, "Electric Company" references are so 1976. Get with it and start cracking wise about stuff that happened in this modern futuristic year of 2004 while there's still about six days left. For instance, how about those Red Sox not going to win another World Series until 2090? Now, if you were to make the same "Electric Company" reference in 2090, I'd salute you and say "You magnificent bastard!" Or rather, I'd say "BUH!" and Morgan Freeman would say "ASTARD!" and then I'd say "BUH!" and he'd say "ASTARD!" and we'd both say "BASTARD!" and that would be clever because we'd be doing it in the distant future where people would have forgotten all those old-timey gentle swear words like "bastard". -- K. How will people swear in the future? Will it be in 3-D, or in smellovision? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Merry Christmas to all Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 15:00:35 -0500 Now, I don't celebrate Christmas. But still, I'd like to take the time to say something nice to you people. YOU GUYS SURE ARE NICE Keep being nice, okay? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I've picked the title for the annual Spot story I'll be writing Christmas morning. Unfortunately, the title is _so_ good that the story may not live up to the title. So you may want to stop reading after the title, depending on how the story turns out once I write it tonight. The title is so good that you won't need to risk reading further. The story will probably turn out great, but don't take a chance on letting me ruin Christmas for you. Did I mention YOU GUYS ARE NICE? -- K. I'll tell you when you can stop being nice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Merry Christmas to all Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 17:35:29 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, I don't celebrate Christmas. But still, I'd like to take the time > > to say something nice to you people. > > > > YOU GUYS SURE ARE NICE > > There is another shoe, right? Aww. You know exactly how to make me happy. > > Keep being nice, okay? > > Are we going to have to wait for it? This is going to be the best Christmas ever! > > [...] don't take a chance on letting me ruin Christmas for you. > > That other shoe, where is it? Mmm, I feel warm and fuzzy all over right now. > > Did I mention YOU GUYS ARE NICE? > > I'm in fear of a blizzard of other shoes. Shoes don't come in a blizzard. <-- real easy straight line in case Shelly Berman wants to drop by and holler "Shoes come in A BOX!!!" > > -- K. > > > > I'll tell you when you > > can stop being nice. > > ARRRRRRGGGUUUHHHHH!!! > > Matthew (crouched and awaiting the arrival of millions of other shoes) Seriously, Matthew, I don't know when the last time I enjoyed reading a followup so much was. You just keep right on making me smile, okay? -- K. P.S. I'm not wearing shoes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kids attempt to name Santa's reindeer, fill up space in newspaper Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 15:47:56 -0500 [www.cadillacnews.com] -> -> Of course there are the alternates to the first team -- -> Dasher, Conner, Cupid, Vixen, Rudolph, Blitzen, Slayer, -> Pikachu and Dakota, according to Lake City kindergarten -> student Calab Dunham. I would enjoy seeing an all-out electrical-nose battle between Rudolph and Pikachu. A battle to the death. The death of both. Will someone please animate it for me? -> Or better yet, there is Rudolph the red nose reindeer, -> Comet, just plain Rudolph without the red nose, Ralph, -> Bruno, Ed, Ren, Brandon and Dan, according to Lake City -> kindergartner Torrey Helmer. That kid sure likes his reindeer butch. I put the question to the floor: What should the names of Santa's reindeer be in alt.religion.kibology? We need eight regular reindeer plus the one extra one created by Montgomery Ward. -- K. If the elves are bad, Santa sends Bruno the reindeer to gore 'em. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Flea Market Conundrum Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 00:15:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Time and again, I make 'fishing' expiditions for stuff to buy and > sell amongst the other aisles of the flea market. My mom keeps an > eye on my booth, which is easy since it is three feet away. And I assume you also watch her booth, while she goes off and knits in the ladies' room. Maybe someday you'll graduate to being allowed to watch an entire porno store while the owner dashes off to the restroom! It's such a feeling of power -- if anyone comes in to ask for recommendations as to what they would find erotic, you can tell them what to find erotic! "Here's a copy of 'My Dinner With Andre'!" > Many, many of the times when I return, my mom has made sales > for me or there are customers who then purchase items. Please be more specific. You said all the flea market vendors were gay stereotypes. Which of your two mommies do you mean? > I can only conclude that I lower sales because I am very ugly > and sexually unattractive. That's not such a big deal, you can compensate with some nice clothes. I'm sure there are lots of classy ways you could spruce up your wardrobe... > I will try and remedy this next time (Sunday) by wearing the > pirate hat I found in the trash. Um. > I really did honestly find a CLEAN pirate hat in the trash. > It is very cool. The flea market I went to last weekend had plenty of real, actual, pirates running around. Ones who have fully embraced the pirate lifestyle. You know, with thigh boots and stuff. Yours had pretend pirates with disposable headgear. Maybe you should stop going to the same flea markets as your mom. -- K. If that hat turns out to have fleas, it will be one of those things that makes perfect sense in whatever world disposable pirate hats are considered cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crappy day at the flea market Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 00:24:07 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Once again, the neighboring flea market was closed so we didn't get their > customers wandering over for a look. If your flea market's business model depends on waiting for customers who are on their way to a different, better flea market wandering in by accident, maybe you should think about a different strategy, like, setting up your booth over at the other flea market, or only attending when the other one is open, or just selling your entire business to some other sucker and then staying home and watching cartoons. > Also, one of the gay vendors was a jerk to me. Why? Because you kept asking him whether he was gay without actually wanting to go home with him? -- K. I wonder, in what newsgroup does the other guy post his stories about the weenie at the next stall who never shuts up about how latent he is? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): Spot Wets The Bed For A Million Years Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 00:29:05 -0500 [Here's this year's story. With special guest star Einstein. You can also read this at http://www.kibo.com/kibofic/spot_xmas_11.shtml if you prefer a trivially different layout. -- K.] SPOT WETS THE BED FOR A MILLION YEARS (or, Spot's Eleventh First Christmas) written December 25, 2004 Copyright (C) 2004 James "Kibo" Parry Happy little Spot! What a good little puppy! Spot turned around in bed three times and fell asleep, knowing that in the morning it would be Christmas and he would receive fabulous prizes, presents, trinkets, and entitlements of all sorts. Zzzz! In the morning, he woke up, rolled over, and screamed. He was in bed with a creepy guy dressed like a playing-card character, with a fluorescent orange beard and a cardboard crown. The Burger King held out a deep-fried croissant sandwich and licked his lips suggestively! Spot screamed again! "Wake up with the King!" said the mysterious voice of the narrator who often spied on Spot through a hidden peephole in his bedroom wall. Being in this creepy commercial that compared fast food to waking up after an unintended drunken gay romp scared Spot so much that he wet the bed. "That's not very nice, Spot," said Santa Claus, who was standing by the bed with his arms around his friends, Ronald McDonald, the Michelin Man, and the Jolly Green Giant. Spot tried to cover his face with the pillow so that the various creepy advertising characters in his bedroom -- especially Santa Claus -- couldn't see him sobbing. But he did keep wetting the bed. Later that day, Spot found that he had no presents, and his bed was so thoroughly wet that it wasn't drying out. There was nothing he could do except switch apartments with his neighbor Einstein, who really didn't care how wet his bed was. Spot made himself at home in what had been Einstein's apartment, enjoying the sight of Einstein's festively-decorated Christmas tree. Suddenly there were jack-booted footsteps on the roof and an FBI agent dropped down the chimney and held a gun to Spot's head! "Albert Einstein, you're under arrest for being a genius and a priceless national treasure!" "But I'm not Einstein! I'm not even people! I'm just a pathetic little puppy who thinks he's people! Waah! Why won't you believe me that I'm pathetic?" Spot left a trail of tears as the agent dragged him off to the interrogation lounge. Once Spot was strapped to an Eames chair upholstered with Brillo pads in the interrogation lounge, the agent calmly and rationally explained the situation. "Albert Einstein, because it is essential that the United States Government Of America know all the coolest scientific secrets in the world, and because you understand the Theory Of Einsteinology and we don't, we're going to torture you until you can explain your theory to us. You know, the one about how clocks get fatter when you turn their hands backwards while going the wrong way in the Southern Hemisphere, or whatever it is." "Waah! I'm not Einstein! I didn't invent the Theory Of Relativity and I sure as hell can't explain it because I'm just a dog and I'm really starting to hate Christmas!" wailed Spot as the agent injected him with a needle of boiling sodium pentothal to make him talk. But all he talked about was how the pentothal injection was interrupting the good cry he'd been having. The drug wore off, and Spot resumed crying right where he'd left off. "Tell you what, Einstein, if we can't make you talk about your Theory Of Einsteinology... we'll simply freeze you. Then, in the future, we'll thaw you out again once newer and more futuristic forms of torture have been invented, and then you'll talk. What do you think about that?" "Your plan is ridiculous, and also, I'm just a dog, and I may not know anything about no science, but I do know that dogs die when you freeze them." "Don't worry, we've solved at least half of that problem. When you freeze a whole dog, it dies of frostbite before the cold can penetrate all the way through the dog. So what we're going to do is run you through this baloney slicer, and then all the thin little slices of you can be frozen in a fraction of a second before they even bleed, and then someday after both medical science and torture science have been perfected, we'll reassemble you in perfect health and then torture you to death so you can tell us all about those clocks that turn from blue to green when they cross the International Date Line backwards." ZZZZZZORCH! went the baloney slicer and Spot was sectioned up and frozen between pages of an old dictionary. Much time passed. Later, Spot awoke in a futuristic white plastic prison cell. He had been revived after all his slices had been peeled out of the dictionary and glued together in alphabetical order. Unfortunately, this meant that because his body had been alphabetized, his mouth was now between his eyes and his nose, and his bunions were all connected to his butt, making it hard to walk. A digital sign on the wall of the prison cell said: THE CURRENT TIME IS 11:53 PM, DECEMBER 24, IN THE YEAR 1,002,004 AD INTERROGATION COMMENCES IN THE YEAR 1,002,005 AD Oh no! Spot had only a few days to escape before he'd be forced to sit in some sort of futuristic spanking machine or whatever, until he made up an explanation for why the Theory Of Relativity made clocks get all woozy! And worst of all, this cell had no windows or door or chimney so there was no way Santa could visit him here in this futuristic, dystopian Christmas! "Hello, Einstein," said the ghostly voice of an invisible man who entered through the wall. "Well, I'm not Einstein, but I'm happy to have the company. Who are you?" "I once was one of your old contemporaries, Nobel maven Niels Bohr. But while being imprisoned here for most of the last million years, I meditated until I evolved into a higher being -- I am now a superhero named Captain Nil. I can pass through walls and bullets can pass through me and nobody but you can see or hear me." "Wow! How does that work?" "It's because I don't exist, you stupid dog," said Captain Nil, who Spot now realized was only a figment of his imagination. He was alone again. He sat on his butt (even though it wasn't the same part of his body it used to be) and waited for it to be Christmas, and then time for lethal torture. After a little while, Spot was feeling sleepy, so he curled up in the corner of the cell and tried to sleep. He couldn't, partly because the cell was too small for him to be able to turn around three times -- he only managed to do it twice -- and because the cold hard plastic floor was so uncomfortable. He wished he had his old mattress. Suddenly he realized, Captain Nil was right! Anyone could circumvent the wishes of even the most repressive science-fictiony police state by just wishing really hard, because in science fiction none of the laws of logic ever apply! He squeezed his eyes shut and wished until his ears bled. There was a soft "pop", and Spot's mattress appeared beneath him. After a million years, it was still damp and yellow, but now it also had a million years' worth of futuristic cooties. Spot cried himself to sleep on his pissy mattress and dreamed of a world where people didn't care whether or not they understood the theory of Relativity. Meanwhile, back in the year 2004, Einstein was drinking all the beer from Spot's fridge. THE END. -- K. And I didn't make a single "waterbed" joke! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News fragments: Put 'em all back together and you might learn nothing! Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 18:49:07 -0500 My second batch of quoted-out-of-context fragments of news (and news-like) articles turned up by Google's daily clipping service. I'm learning that the words which I thought would lead to the most goofily-written news articles -- such as "fuck" and "fart" -- turn up a lot of hits, but they're of low quality. (Articles containing "fuck" are usually reviews of of pop music.) The words which have worked the best so far are ones where columnists use them metaphorically -- "Pee-wee Herman" almost never actually refers to Pee-wee Herman, and "sadism" almost never refers to sadism. I'm still adding new words to my searches, including a lot of inherently funny ones like "nougatine" and "babyberries". So if you want Google to spam me, just get a job at the New York Times and use the sentence "Fonzie, the farting sadist, got a spatula of nougatine in his orifice at White Castle," in the middle of an article about zoning variances where nobody but Google will see it. -- K. Poor Fonzie! [home.hamptonroads.com] -> -> I keep an eye on men's pants. I'm not a pervert, exactly. I just -> don't want my sons running around in pants that make other guys -> think they ought to have a wedgie. [www.howestreet.com] => => Mr. Buffett has had multiple Bulletin Board partners, including => Benjamin Moore, the famed paint manufacturer, and Fruit of the => Loom, the famed Atomic-Wedgie provider. (Paint and panties: an => intriguing combination, which has, thus far, eluded practical => assessment; [...] [www.palmbeachpost.com] -> -> SUSPICIOUS INCIDENT -> -> A woman who lives in the 1000 block of Crystal Way called police -> to report that a kid in the neighborhood gave her son a "wedgie," -> by pulling his underwear in an upward motion. [www.harmony-central.com] => => 2003 platinum beast introduction model black with silver bevels, => diamond inlays, black hardware, beast engraved rod cover. And => here are the rest of features standard to the platinum beast: => Agathis Body, Maple Bolt-on Neck, Rosewood Fingerboard, => Adjustable tune-o-matic Bridge, Sealed BC Rich Tuners, 25.5 Scale => Length, 24 Jumbo Frets, 2 BDSM Pickups [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> A great team would have created a surge that would have put Pee -> Wee Herman into the end zone. [www.santacruzsentinel.com] => => With Tom Brokaw gone and Dan Rather going, the networks' big news => divisions are suddenly as vulnerable as Pee Wee Herman in an NFL => locker room. [www.howestreet.com] -> -> These anti-gold elements feel that gold's rise is a product of -> our small community, who, up to now have been as easy to push -> around as Pee Wee Herman at the movies. [www.newsday.com] => => Now that [Giambi's] production has withered to almost nothing as => he's transitioned from the physique of a he-man to Pee-wee Herman => (not from cutting fat out of his diet, it turns out), he should => realize it behooves him to settle with the Yankees. [www.fortwayne.com] -> He seemed as likely to score Sunday afternoon against hulking -> Boston College as Pee Wee Herman [...] [www.lowcountrynow.com] => => "[...] But if CBS wants someone with more class and stature than => Rather, they should hire Pee Wee Herman." [www.texarkanagazette.com] -> -> When it comes to clout among commissioners of professional -> sports, Bud Selig is to baseball what Pee Wee Herman is to -> Hollywood. Both do a lot of talking, but their audience is limited. [www.dailyfreeman.com] => => "That will be the same day that we begin performing gay marriages => in the lobby and allow Pee Wee Herman to set up shop in the men's room." [timesofindia.indiatimes.com] -> -> Jehangir Mehta is a chef at Manhattan's Aix restaurant whose -> desserts are so delectable that they call him 'Jehangir the Sadist'. [www.channelnewsasia.com] => => Dick: The Merlion is fine but I think it should be renamed. It => does look very mean and is definitely a sadist. Add wheels so => that it can go on land and call it the Mersadist! Haha, get it? [www.tunezine.com] -> -> My question is: how many times must a man (or a woman) be -> brutalised-on the SAME street by the SAME person-before they call -> him a sadist? Are we sadists? [nwanews.com] => => Funds help supply the marksmanship program with equipment, such => as targets and ammo, as well as match game ammo for the rifle team. [news.scotsman.com] -> -> THE things I do for this column... Paper pants and sadist waxers -> I can accept, but last week topped the bill. I was mummified. [www.vailtrail.com] => => For example, Papa (spelled that way, but for some reason => pronounced "Paw-Paw") would walk through a room and announce, => with authority, "Hold 'er Newt, she's a-headin' for the pea => patch!" => => Who is Newt? Who does he need to be holdin'? Is it an actual pea => patch, or is this more Papa double-entendre? I was fine not => knowing these answers. I was too busy being entertained. => => If Papa saw fit to rouse you out of bed, he'd do so by saying, => "Wake up and pee, the world's on fire!" => => Every single time. => => [...] => => To spend what I consider a lot of money just to "digitally" => record five minutes of my grandfather saying things like "I'm so => t-u-r-d tired I could f-a-r-t faint!" seems very irresponsible. => There are bills to pay, and stuff. [www.zdnet.com.au] -> -> Cluley added: "Whatever their motives, hackers have shown a -> bare-faced cheek by planting these homosexual images at the heart -> of Italy's political establishment." [www.mlive.com] => => 'HUMANS CAN GET BY WITH A GIMP LEG ... BUT RAPTORS HAVE TO BE IN => NEAR PERFECT CONDITION TO SURVIVE' [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> It escapes me why the article did not also highlight "Transform -> your kitchen whisk into one of those things that the Daleks -> exterminate with", "Slap him unconscious with your slipper" and, -> if burgled "when you are listening to music", you can always -> "kick him in the goolies". [vdare.com] => => Anyway, as Alan Abelson, the great editor of Barrons, used to => reassure me when I worked for him, sadism is a professional => requirement for a journalist. [www.shorepublishing.com] -> -> He gave them a little introduction to the planetarium, and -> explained some words that scare adults, like "dodecahedron." [www.thepostandmail.com] => => In his report, chief Michael Petersen said Officer Leatherman has => received orders to serve one year in Germany. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> The team of Mark Leatherman of Vale and Jim Wright of Lincolnton -> finished second Saturday in a Southern Crappie Association -> tournament at Lake Oconee, Ga., winning $500.Their 16.16 pounds -> of crappie followed tournament winners Billy Williams and Jason -> Little of Cochran, Ga., who caught 16.65 pounds. [icliverpool.icnetwork.co.uk] => => "As we neared the statue I had to tell the cab driver to keep => going, past the statue. I had seen that there were cigarette ends => sticking out of every orifice and a traffic cone on my head. My => granny has still never seen it." [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> In short, the upper orifice should never get the upper hand. [www.automation.com] => => One design offers various control functions by orifice/plug => provisions, and configuration is provided for each chosen model code. [www.gsusignal.com] -> -> The Sponge Bob soundtrack includes, interspersed between some of -> the great indie rock bands of our time, something that resembles -> a smiling pink turd singing a song called "Under My Rock" that -> makes no sense at all and sounds like the type of song turds -> would sing if they were animated objects and liked music. [news.scotsman.com] => => ROVER the dog is chewing on his talking bone after scoffing => canine yoghurt and canned food with the colourful, if somewhat => unfortunate brand name of Turd-u-cken. [headline on www.madison.com] -> -> Police aide nabs park befoulers by working turd shift [www.villagevoice.com] => => I mean, it could have been a braille dictionary you felt up => there--they're pretty rough and uneven. Or an almond croissant. => Or a twice-baked potato. Or a meteorite. I mean, the world is => full of rough and uneven things, WABN, and frankly it's => disturbing that you would assume it was shit you encountered in => your boyfriend's ass. [www.smh.com.au] -> -> Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot was labelled "an interminable -> verbal labyrinth" by censors, who demanded he replace one "fart" -> with a "belch". [www.cornellsun.com] => => When Harlan and I gave him a talking-to of our own, mostly about => how not to be a fart-face, we discovered that Wikipedia employs => unpaid administrators to police cyberspace, hauling inappropriate => articles off to cyber-court. [www.mephisflyer.com] -> -> The disc is peppered with the kinds of whimsical, -> farting-now/spaceship-later keyboards that made the Clears such a -> guilty pleasure. [brandsuicide.20six.co.uk] => => Land Rover must have thought this beauty was some form of modern => art, which from the start, did linger long, as a fart: [...] [www.lasvegasmercury.com] -> -> Yeah, that's about as welcome as an eggnog fart in a two-man -> reindeer costume, but Christmas is the deadliest day of the year [...] [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => Jim caught a lost parrot and has taken it in, only to find it => will not stop making farting noises. [www.useless-knowledge.com] -> -> But mostly I ignore rappers, they have only temporal relevance, -> much like the smell of a fart. [www.northjersey.com] => => At midnight, Johanesson turns the lights out, plunging the crew's => quarters into deep darkness. Remembering the sub's lack of => circulation, one sleepy voice calls out: "No farting!" [www.sundayherald.com] -> -> In a book entitled The Paris Syndrome, he explains the -> progression of the disorder: first mild anxiety, then a growing -> persecution complex, fear of leaving home, despair and sometimes -> even suicide. -> -> The cause is always the same: a bad social experience with a -> Parisian, triggering a profound sense of cultural alienation. [www.pressaction.com] => => My own epiphany, the one that led me down the path of veganism => and ultimately to a position of animal consciousness, happened 25 => years ago in a White Castle fast food restaurant (talk about => profane spaces!) [www.businessreport.com] -> -> Landry, now 25, is a six-foot point guard from White Castle. [www.riverfronttimes.com] => => And what about your shrink? Time and time again she has warned => you that toasted ravioli trigger sadomasochistic longings, thanks => to that...well, you know. [www.dailystar.com] -> -> Sadomasochism doesn't explain why taxpayers have spent $438,700 -> in recent years to make sure more Carolina heelsplitters are -> lying around to step on. [www.impactwrestling.com] => => At one point Chyna was dressed in a dominatrix outfit and Howard => said she looked like Herman Munster when he dressed up like a => rock star. [www.dunnconnect.com] -> -> To be perfectly honest, it was when I was trying to find a nice -> toy to send a couple of grandbabies and I encountered "Cat Woman -> Barbie." Totally and unremittingly dreadful! Barbie all fitted -> out in leather and rubber and looking like a prize-winning -> dominatrix. This cannot be what people think is appropriate -> playthings for little girls! -> -> Poor Barbie! [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => A police officer resigned after being suspended for aiming his => Taser at a teenage volunteer during the 2002 Garlic Festival [...] [www.onlypunjab.com] -> -> [...] I didn't exactly get the quality that I was hoping for. In -> fact, the outcome was just one notch below mediocre. Both my -> dentist and Fonzie would have been disappointed in the results. [msn.foxsports.com] => => Remember the 'Happy Days' episode when Potsy dreamt he suggested => to Fonzie the thumbs up gesture would be cool? What if Fonzie => gave the bird and that meant cool? [www.advocate.com] -> -> He betrays his best Noo Yawk bravado when he says, "They can blow -> anthrax up my ass with a straw--I will never leave this city." [www.eaststandard.net] => => When Kihika heard that the man was interested in the car, which => he had used for a few years himself, he posed, as only he could: => "Arenda ngari ino nduire thuragiria?" (The man wants this car, in => which I have been farting?) [www.grandforks.com] -> -> The 1950s-era canape favorites, the Wedgie pie (six slices of -> bologna layered with a mustard/cream cheese mixture) and the -> cocktail lily (made with bologna slices folded into cornucopias -> with carrot or pickle sticks skewered through the center), have -> been replaced by shavings of prosciutto and Parmesan-Reggiano -> atop toasted bruschetta and pan-fried salmon skewers with -> homemade Hollandaise. [www.counterpunch.org] => => Not since the days of Andrew Jackson's populist hog and hominy => presidency have these people seen one of their own farting at the => Oval Room desk. [fairfieldweekly.com] -> -> And even though it might feel at times like you're getting the -> Bourdain spatula to the back of the head, you also learn that -> all-out disaster is often the only way to learn, a notion -> Bourdain heartily embraces. [www.adventuregamers.com] => => Say "inventory puzzle" to many gamers, and you'll conjure up => images of using a chewed wad of gum with a spatula and a teddy => bear to escape a prison. [www.lasvegasmercury.com] -> -> If only we could live in that perpetual three-second state of -> elated, anxious flux when The Donald pauses--the tension so thick -> you can cut it with a skinny supermodel spouse's spatula-like -> wristbone--and he delivers that famous line: "You're fired!" [ydr.com] => => A spatula is clasped in one sticky hand and a metal beater in the => other as a tiny tongue finds every last drop of sweetness in the => cracks and crevices. [www.cincypost.com] -> -> Know any cooks who are just scraping by with flabby, discolored, -> old spatulas? You might think this item is a bit too practical, -> but the humble spatula has improved so much -- heat-resistant, in -> lots of sizes and fun colors -- that a bundle of them qualifies -> absolutely as a genuine treat. [www.mlive.com] => => "I asked Santa for a Sponge Bob Patty Maker with a hat and => spatula," Joshua said. [www.investors.com] -> -> For those interested in a pure play in the white-hot wastebasket, -> spatula and digital-barometer industry, Beyond will be the one -> IPO you won't want to pass up. [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => D pulls up a stool and stands right next to me so that I can't => move my arm, demands to be allowed to beat the egg then bursts => into tears when I immediately reappropriate the spatula. "You're => not being very nice to me," he sobs. "It's not nice if kids don't => have a turn." True. But if having a turn means tipping beaten egg => all over the floor, forget it. I'm not nice. So cry. [sport.guardian.co.uk] -> -> So we'll have no more, thank you very much. I mean if we wanted -> this sort of thing, we'd watch Casualty with all the other -> sadists, gore-freaks and sick perverts. And to show it again and -> again and again! [www.americandaily.com] => => It is that yin yang thing that mainstream has crafted into a sonic => wedgie...the inability to create a synthesis of Ozzie and Harriet => and Ozzie and Sharon without pandering to the excesses of each. [business.bostonherald.com] -> -> To paraphrase The Kinks, you can see all the stars as you walk -> down Tremont Street. Or in Boston's case, a walk of fame might -> not have stars. [www.azcentral.com] => => During a jumping-jack-like routine, says Dirks, "whenever I was => jumping back and forth, the shoes would squeak, and it sounded => like I was farting." [www.seattleweekly.com] -> -> And if all that isn't punishment enough, it then culminates in -> the most sadistic holiday of them all, New Year's Eve. [www.ctnow.com] => => And do you think for a minute that "Pulp Fiction" would be => considered cool if someone like Charles Nelson Reilly played one => of the hitmen? [www.harvardindependent.com] -> -> I can't think of the lasttime a college quarterback called out -> the head coach of a respected program like that, and was -> right.Yes, the system worked better this year than the last, -> where the number one and two teams didn't even play each other. -> But the BCS now is like Marsellus Wallace when he made it out of -> the gimp's room: alive, but "pretty fucking far from okay." [www.nzherald.co.nz] => => Neither will it have Les on his piano accordion, moving among the => tables. Not unless it wants Les and his piano accordion to have a => close encounter of the orifice kind. [www.ringinsidereport.com] -> -> I can manage much to kick it today saying that the state of -> boxing currently has been looking largely in part from the -> outside in on the long lost orifice purely by the conditions of -> the default faulty measures alone. That's mighty lost. [news.yahoo.com] => => The miniature train company Marklin is packing a condom alongside => a blue freight car emblazoned with the name of Blausiegel, a => German condom maker. [www.nypress.com] -> -> Yes, shove these and more, along with a special Polar Express -> train set by Lionel, into every orifice of every child customer. [www.theinquirer.net] => => You can hear your search results in one of three voices, that is, => a gentle female voice, a gruff, Scottish male voice and a frankly => terrifying man's voice which sounds like a bizarre cross between => a Dalek and a chartered accountant. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> The bass came cracking from the nougatine at the peak of its -> form, sweetened, not mocked, by the caramel. [www.amestrib.com] => => Lutefisk is dried cod soaked in a lye solution and then boiled. => My grandparents drowned it in butter, trying, I think, to => disguise its taste, which was a cross between petroleum jelly and => fish scales. I've never actually eaten either but some things you => just know without experiencing. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Early this month I had to rearrange my holiday social schedule in -> order to tend to a lutefisk emergency. As some of you know, this -> is the time of year when I feel the need to discuss the -> heartbreak of lutefisk, a wretchedly prepared fish from my -> ancestral land of Norway. -> -> For reasons perhaps understood only by marauding Vikings, the -> ritual of soaking cod in a preservative solution of lye until it -> has the consistency of a snow tire has evolved into a fearsome -> Scandinavian Christmas tradition. Still, many Norwegian Americans -> have a mysterious, sentimental attachment to the ``cod that -> passeth all understanding,'' as it has come to be known. [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => The Democrats based their early-election-day optimism on the fact => that, as soon as the polls opened, six lesbians voted in => Delaware. The entire Democratic Party strategy, it now emerges, => was based on them securing the votes of more than 40 million => lesbians by tea-time. In the end, though, most lesbians voted => Republican, as did all transgenderists, albinos, divorced uncles, => and Democrats. There was no surprise that fetishists and => sadomasochists went Republican, since they were thought to be => right-wing anyway. [www.presstelegram.com] -> -> But in the end, the conditions were moot as the council rejected -> the alcohol sales, siding with the residents. -> -> "We don't need it,' said Albert Guerra, president of the -> California Heights Neighborhood Association. "Quite honestly, we -> all like Trader Joe's.' [www.dailyvanguard.com] => => Is your art really that good, or do you have some sort vibrating => Jar Jar Binks shoved up your ass? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lutefisk shortage grips a single store for two hours, millions die Date: Sun, 26 Dec 2004 17:18:32 -0500 [a very slow news day at www.chicagotribune.com] -> -> No lye: Fans jolted by lack of lutefisk -> -> Published December 26, 2004 -> -> ANDERSONVILLE -- Wikstrom's Gourmet Foods and Catering in -> Andersonville, one of Chicago's famed purveyors of ethnic -> delicacies, has long been a source of holiday joy for area -> Scandinavians. -> -> But for several hours Tuesday, the store was gripped by a -> cheer-robbing Christmas shortage: Wikstrom's ran out of -> lutefisk--dried cod washed in lye. awww! <-- SARCASTIC "aww" -> Forget the anxious lines at electronics stores for Nintendo -> DS--this was a real crisis. One customer said he spotted several -> tearful Swedish women, disconsolate at the idea of holding a -> holiday gathering without the strong-smelling fish. awww!! <-- SARCASTIC "aww" with another exclamation point this time -> And don't even try consoling the lutefisk faithful by telling -> them the frozen variety was still available. awww!!! <-- so SARCASTIC it's hardly worth noting it here -> After a call to a fish supplier, the store got another 50 pounds -> of lutefisk within a few hours. DAMMIT!!!! <-- honest reaction -> Of course, on Wednesday, the store ran out of meatballs. ... HOORAY!!!!! <-- your homework is to figure out whether this sarcastic -- K. I've still never even seen the stuff, let alone had the opportunity to avoid eating any of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20041226a. Date: Sun, 26 Dec 2004 18:45:22 -0500 A Marine Corp drill sargeant (played by one of the various "We Can't Get R. Lee Ermey" guys) screams at his recruits that they need to get a miniature electric razor to trim their hair, mustaches, beards, and, um, public hair. (The obvious pun on "private's privates" is told a few times too many. In fact, once was too many. It's one of those puns you can get and be sick of before the commercial even bothers making it.) Now, commercials with drill sargeants have been done a zillion times, but I've never before seen one where Sarge implied that his men needed shave their nuts for a surprise white-glove public hair inspection. (And if you really want to see this commercial, go to http://www.microtouchtrimmer.com and the Web site will throw all 90 seconds of it at you.) Because I was good enough to sit through this entire extra-long commercial, as repayment for the minute and a half I'll never get back, I hereby demand to see the following items: 1. The Field Manual detailing the proper procedure for Genitals, Shaving Of. 2. A Pentagon-produced hygiene film in which Private Snafu keeps getting shot in battle until he learns to always keep his testicles shaved. 3. The look on R. Lee Ermey's face when he refused to do this commercial. -- K. Another beauty product being sold exclusively through your local TV (and the Web and mail-order and stores): "Spray-on Nylons". (http://www.nycelegs.com) Wake me when they make spray-on leather jackets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041226a. Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 14:15:36 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > > > Nobody but John Cleese and Damon "Sergeant Savings" Wayans ever tried > > to play a funny drill sergeant, because the whole idea of drill > > sergeants is intrinsically and deeply unfunny. > > I remember Sergeant Savings because whenever I paused my VCR for him, > the little "record" and "pause" icons would directly cover his eyes. > Creepy. Hmm. We should design some commercials whose meaning would radically change when those icons are superimposed. It would be like "Winky Dink And You" only you wouldn't need the indelible, TV-destroying crayon. You're not the only one who used to videotape Sergeant Savings. Lots42 used to record him too, but only because he thought the commercials were about "Segeant Shavings". I won't comment on why he kept looking for "Winky Dink". -- K. WINK! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041226a. Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 13:45:22 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, commercials with drill sargeants have been done a zillion times > > ..and they're ALL disturbing, even when no nut shaving is going on. > Because they're all played totally straight. Totally straight, dead butch, six of one, drop and give me half a dozen of the other. > Nobody but John Cleese and Damon "Sergeant Savings" Wayans ever tried > to play a funny drill sergeant, because the whole idea of drill > sergeants is intrinsically and deeply unfunny. Really? I've always found R. Lee Ermey as himself to be quite funny. I love watching him ham it up on "Mail Call" on the History Channel. Although, he couldn't save saved "Run Ronnie Run" even if he'd been in more than a ten-second, poorly-spliced-in cameo. I'd buy him a drink any time. I'd say that R. Lee Ermey has at least as much of a chance of being funny as John Cleese does these days, 'cause Cleese is now enough of an elder statesman that he gives really bad performances whenever he feels whatever piece of extruded comedy product he's in isn't worthy of how funny he used to be. (Example: "Wednesdays 9:30, 8:30 Central", where his face was this frozen mask of I-want-to-go-home.) Ermey always gives 150%, even in movies where Cleese would give 0%. > More so than serial killers, nuclear terrorists, birth defects, > or people who leave you with AIDS and a missing kidney in a Cadillac > full of cement with a bill taped to the rear view mirror reading: > "Red Velvet Cake Recipe: $250." Nuclear terrorists can be plenty funny. Calling them "atomic terrorists" is even better, because that sounds more Fifties and you can imagine them sneaking around in black poplin windbreakers and sunglasses while driving a convertible with peach and turquoise boomerangs painted all over it. Oh, you couldn't sit in the back seat of the convertible, because it would be filled up by their car phone. Give R. Lee Ermey a nuclear weapon and I'll follow him to the watermelon patch and we'll have a blast. That man sure hates melons. -- K. I bet he hates peaches more, 'cause they have body hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 13:52:32 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So, those five dragon books I bought for five bucks to re-sell to the > gay guy who likes dragons? But he didn't buy them and tried to scam one? Lots, maybe you should stop fooling around at the flea market until your therapist can write you a prescription for whatever drug makes you stop fantasizing about just how gay everyone who goes to the flea market with you is. > Aren't questions annoying? Depends. Are you doing a one-man show where you perform an edgy monologue about one man's journey into gay? If so, you're allowed a few rhetorical questions before your big striptease. > I sold three of them for four dollars. > > HE AIN'T GETTING THOSE, HOT DAMMIT! > > I have no life. I'm sure it'll all be okay once you figure out what you really need. -- K. What does being gay have to do with liking dragons? Is a dragon one of your people's code words for a fat guy with psoriasis? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:00:58 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure it'll all be okay once you figure out what you really need. > > I REALLY NEED A GIRLFRIEND. > > GIRL AS IN FEMALE, NOT KIBO DRESSED IN A SKIRT. a) I don't cross-dress; b) If I ever met you, you wouldn't have time to see what I was wearing, because I'd be too busy gay-bashing you, you homophobic homo; c) And sorry, I only date tough guys. If you own Barbara Streisand "action figures", own anything fuschia or mauve, make your own glitter, or sell comic books at a flea market, you're not man enough. It's okay if you want to be a nancy boy, it's just that that's an entirely different segment of the gay community than the one I'm in. (You never see my people because we're all at the _good_ flea market.) Have you considered buying yourself an inflatable doll? You could dress her up like Wonder Woman. And maybe she'd be the same size as you so you could share clothes! Now, as to what you _really_ need... -- K. The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:39:22 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, as to what you _really_ need... > > > > -- K. > > > > The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... > > So your giving in and letting him wear the tights? Hey, he can wear whatever he wants when you take him to the Renaissance Festival. By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > That is so unfair when there are other people that deserve them better. It's not as if there's only one permawedgie in the world. Just look at Andy Rooney -- he's been sitting on one for fifty years. And then there was Jack Webb. The man was the very definition of "eight simultaneous permawedgies." He had 'em, he gave 'em, Harry Morgan nodded approvingly. It's what Webb did. Permawedgies for justice. -- K. I wish I could go back in time so I could get trapped in an elevator with Jack Webb long enough to make him cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 17:25:42 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your > > ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange > > flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > > No . . . . sadly . . . . not stealing your look. Just a nickname I > picked up. I believe it has something to do with videogames and being > on fire. Cool! Just be careful when you take Lots42 to that Renaissance Flea Festival Market, 'cause he'll keep thinking every time he says you're "flaming" is the first time he's said that. Doesn't MSA sell a "FireKnight" brand firefighters' helmet, too? You could be a Renaissance fireman and Lots42 could be a gay pirate flea and together you could confuse people as to what century it is and whether the building's on fire and whether Lots42 is some sort of cootie. -- K. The MSA helmets come in red, black, white, yellow, and blue. What sort of sissy fireman would want blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 21:02:17 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > Aren't questions annoying? > > > > Depends. Are you doing a one-man show where you perform an edgy > > monologue about one man's journey into gay? If so, you're allowed > > a few rhetorical questions before your big striptease. > > The downside is that a few years afterward you have to drown yourself > by jumping off the Staten Island Ferry. Hey, show some respect for the late Spalding Gray. He was the only graduate of Emerson College to be more famous than ME ME ME before he died "jumping" off the boat where nobody could see us. I mean where I couldn't see him. I mean where I wasn't and you can't prove otherwise because you didn't see it either and nobody knows I killed him. Whew, I almost mentioned that I shouldn't be talking about how I killed Spalding Gray. So, Lots, do you like boat rides? -- K. And put your clothes back on! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Upstairs Neighbors Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 14:00:24 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I used to have upstairs neighbors that sounded as if they had running > matches between the bed and the front door. > > Also, as if they dropped enclycopedias for fun. > > The late-night squeakings just made things for more disturbing. Yeah, sure, blame it on the neighbors. Lots, neighbors can't turn you gay. Only porn can do that. Did you look at the wrong piece of spam a few months ago? Besides, why else would someone drop encyclopedias? Nobody gets paid to do that, so of course they're doing it just for fun. -- K. So which volumes did it sound like they were dropping? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Reviw: Universal Studios Florida Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 14:06:25 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Rides: Awesome > > Other people: Fucking jerks. Lots, you were supposed to go on red-shirt day if you didn't want to have to put up with homophobes and their 2.7 children. And Lots, those jerks have a right to fuck -- just as you do in 47 states. -- K. Gay Day at a "Star Trek" convention must be confusing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PIRATE HAT ARRR Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 14:09:56 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My (very clean) pirate hat drew lots of comments and attention. Real pirates are filthy, not neat and prissy like you! > ARR I be a marketing device! The word is "cruisy". Keep it in your pants at the flea market, okay? That's what the Boston Public Library's restrooms are for. -- K. Cue the "Simpsons" rerun that showed the "Lesbians Of The Caribbean" ride. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PIRATE HAT ARRR Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 22:26:52 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Keep it in your pants at the flea market, okay? That's what the > > > Boston Public Library's restrooms are for. > > > > I vote that Lots42 NOT keep it in his pants at the flea market. His > > flea market posts have gotten boring. He needs a new story arc. > > Please don't tell us that by "arc" you're insinuating something you know > about Lots that the rest of us don't want to know. Okay, so now Lots42 is exposing himself at the flea market because he's a flasher wearing nothing but a home-made cape with plutonium atoms drawn all over it. And then he's going to insist he's legally changed his name to Pu42 even though every time the cops bust him for dipping his winky into a pirate hat filled with chocolate fondue they say his name is still Lots von Zwei-und-Vierzig. Also if you touch him you get polio. FISH polio. -- K. I bet you thought I was going to say fleas. But remember, Lots isn't exactly the same as Archie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: medicine crawls forwards Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 14:37:28 -0500 [from news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Worm inspires 'comfortable' test -> -> Scientists are developing a new way of carrying out internal -> examinations on patients -- based on a wriggling worm. -> -> In an endoscopy, a long flexible tube is fed into the body. It -> can be very uncomfortable. That really depends on what mood the doctor's in, and how drunk the patient is. -> But a team from the Scuola Superiore Sant'Anna, Pisa, found the -> ragworm, which lives in seashores, could offer a model for a more -> comfortable test. -> -> They say their device would be able to "pull" itself along, -> rather than having to be forced into the body. And to get it out, you just wait for it to pop out the mouth. -> The team have developed a prototype device, named the Bioloch -> Ist, which imitates the undulating motion of the ragworm, also -> known as the paddleworm. -> -> The worm, which is often used as fishing bait, moves in wet -> environments containing large amounts of solid and semi-solid -> material -- similar to that often found inside the body. Philisophically, isn't all material in the Universe identical to shit on this level of "solid and semi-solid"? -> The prototype consists of a simple worm with a flexible central -> spine and paddles sticking out either side along the worm's body. Oh, so they successfully cross-bred a worm and a Viking ship. -> The team are now working on a more advanced version of the device -> in which the paddles themselves can also move as well as the -> central spine. -> -> Eventually, the device will be motorised. Eventually, it will chase people down the street. -> The team are liaising with a biologist to work out the exact -> mechanisms for how the ragworm moves. -> -> Paolo Dario, who led the research, said: "The basic concept is to -> develop a replacement for the current colonic endoscope, which is -> quite large and stiff, and has to be pushed inside a patient. -> -> "If you can pull a device rather than push it, you can reduce the -> bending forces and so lessen the chance of damage to a patient's -> internal organs. -> -> "We looked to nature for a model and chose the paddleworm because -> it is capable of 'swimming' with ease through relatively soft, -> unstructured environments." -> -> He said the prototype was quite slow, taking 30 minutes to reach -> the end of the colon instead of the 10 minutes the conventional -> type takes. Well, you have to wait for the drunken stupor to set in anyway. -> But he said making the paddles move as well as the central spine -> of the device should help speed up the 'worm' endoscopy technique. -> -> Versatile -> -> Professor Julian Vincent of the University of Bath, who also -> worked on the research, said the ragworms have a very different -> way of moving compared to earthworms. -> -> He said: "The advantage from our point of view is that the paddle -> worm has a much greater variety of styles of moving, since it can -> remain straight and just move the paddles, wriggle and keep the -> paddles still, or wriggle and move the paddles as well. -> -> "This gives more versatility in speed and general control. The -> paddle worm can also build burrows very rapidly. -> -> "So the chances are that a robotic motor based on this design -> will be more versatile and faster than most others." If they're going to test it out on one of those "Robot Wars"-type shows (assuming there are any still on the air), I'm not sure it would be a good idea to tell patients "The thing that's about to crawl up your ass defeated Bloodbot, Cogcrusher, and Termigator in the Arena Of Death." -> "Ultimately our idea is to turn the current ordeal of the colonic -> endoscopy procedure into something akin to a pleasurable experience!" Someone, please tell him what booze is for. -- K. Why are the sci-fi movies which come true always the really stupid ones like "Fortress"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Conversation with my niece on a sled for the first time Date: Mon, 27 Dec 2004 22:15:49 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Niece: YAAAAAAAY! [falls over] [gets up] HAHAHAHAHA! [strapped into > booster seat on sled] YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY! [tromping through woods] > YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY! [falls over, stuck in seat] WAAAAAAAAH! [set > upright again, brushing off snow] WAAAAAAAH! [tromping through > woods some more] YAAAAAAAAAAAY! [whooshing down hill in woods] > YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY! Spot: YAAAAAAAAY! [falls on a glass unicorn statuette] [gets up] OWOWOWOWOWOW! [strapped into booster seat on rocket sled] WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! [crashes into Museum of Wood] OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! [falls out, gets stuck in radioactive glue] WAAAAAAAAH! [gets peeled off, solvent is applied] WAAAAAAAAAH! [mistakes electric chair for toilet] WHEEEEEEEEEEOW! [flushes self down electric chair] BYEBYE! It was the best office Christmas party ever. THE END! Sponsored by ButterAid(R), the only corrective butter extender that doesn't irritate the skin very much. Buy ButterAid(R)! ButterAid(R) is a registered trademark of ButterAid Light Industries, a subunit of the ButterAid Corporation Of Lower Canada And The Tip Of Michigan's Upper Peninula Where Butter Roams Wild. ButterAid(R) is mentioned by permission of the American Permission Council, without whom nothing would be possible, even through the magic of ButterAid(R). ButterAid(R) is low in carbs and is only tested on animals that don't have names. If not satisfied with ButterAid(R), return the used portion for a partial refund, and a small but intense restocking fee. Addiction to ButterAid(R) may cause you to become dependent on being kicked in the shins until you admit you have a problem. ButterAid(R) should not be used in international waters or it may turn piratical. Always eat only ButterAid(R)! -- K. On my TV, the weatherman is explaining how tsunamis work by rolling a basketball along a two-by-four. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:45:41 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? Dec. 28, 2004. > > Here is some information from some people who claim to talk to > Him. This is chann-led material, so be careful. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > Subject: A message from Je--s Christ to all who call themselves > Chr-stians > I AM indeed the living J--us Christ, and I deliver this message > through the Living Word that I AM. I know many will doubt that it > is truly I, the real Jes--, who is speaking. I don't know why people think "Wheel Of Fortune" is an intellectually- challenging show. I mean, it makes "Match Game" look like... um... what a smart TV show would be if there ever had been any of them. > [...] > Why do you think I said: And thou shalt love the Lord thy G-d > with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, > and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. (M-rk 12:30) It's also the only commandment to use the word "shazbot". I prefer the eleventy-seventh commandment, which mentions the word "sil": "Thou shalt not say 'sil'." Note that the use/mention distinction is a source of profound schisms in all major religions that worry about whether it's okay to say obscene nonsense words like "sil". -- K. -> The Ten Commandments were made for man alone. We should think it -> strange if they had been made for all the animals. -> -> We should say "Thou shalt not kill" is too general, too sweeping. -> It includes the field mouse and the butterfly. They can't kill. -> And it includes the tiger, which can't help it. -> -> It is a case of Temperament and Circumstance again. You can -> arrange no circumstances that can move the field mouse and the -> butterfly to kill; their temperaments will ill keep them -> unaffected by temptations to kill, they can avoid that crime -> without an effort. But it isn't so with the tiger. Throw a lamb in -> his way when he is hungry, and his temperament will compel him to -> kill it. -> -> Butterflies and field mice are common among men; they can't kill, -> their temperaments make it impossible. There are tigers among men, -> also. Their temperaments move them to violence, and when -> Circumstance furnishes the opportunity and the powerful motive, -> they kill. They can't help it. -> -> -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:05:13 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) said: > > > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? > > "Stop fucking up my Word with hyphens or I'll write the frequency of > your tinfoil hat on every restroom wall in my Kingdom." I think he'd just complain that the Bible is boring and preachy. Now, those Harry Potter books, they've got zazz! And they're educational too -- even an eight-year-old can learn how to do black magic! You know, there are only two words that always have to be printed in all capitals for no reason. They are "LORD" in the Bible and "FORTRAN" everywhere else. Make of this what you will, nerds. -- K. If Jesus were alive today, he'd communicate with us through public-service announcements between "Seinfeld" reruns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041226b. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:00:52 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > GM's Red Tag sale commercial. > > It features a man in a red tag suit being bullied by a father who was > unable to stand in line long enough for his sub teen son (doing weird > things with his lips) to see Santa. Father insists that RedTagMan allow > son to sit on his lap. Cut to son doing weird things with his tongue. > RedTagMan acquiesces. Cut to son doing more weird things with his mouth. > Son walks toward RedTagMan. Cut to line of sub teen males standing in > front of beleaguered RedTagMan. > > Matthew (Is GM a member of NAMBLA?) I don't know, but the guy in that suit seems to be one of those "We Couldn't Afford Andy Richter" guys who are so common in commercials aimed at Regular Joe Six-Pack. And I've never considered Andy Richter a regular guy -- he's too funny to be normal. I'm going to stop thinking of Red Tag Guy as being not quite Andy Richter and start thinking of him as not quite Michael Moore. The subtext of this commercial which always bothers me (during the 3 times I've seen it, and the 90,000 times I've TiVoed over it this week) is that the kid's father is super-pushy and obnoxious as he demands that his kid sit in Red Tag Man's lap because there's too many kids waiting for Santa. The implications: a. Santa's goons are even tougher than this jerk. b. Children are morons who don't care whose lap they sit on. c. We should buy a Hummer because we saw a TV commercial with a guy dressed as a red foam-rubber pentagon. d. We should forget about Santa Claus and pledge allegiance to General Motors. -- K. Why did jerk dad bring his son to an auto dealership to see Santa? It's a lot easier to find a Santa in a big department store or the local homeless shelter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:13:34 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Hey, Kibo, I think Lots42 is getting ready to come out of the closet. > > No, you idiot, I was saying that I was an honest man available for women > to sexxor. As if your attitude going to make Barbara jump on you. Lots, trust me, nice women like Barbara will only like you if you do two things: (a) don't call them idiots when they're being perceptive, and (b) tell them you've turned gay. The latter makes women hot for you. All women. It's automatic. You'll find out someday. Until then, stop calling people idiots just for knowing that you'll someday resolve your latent issues. -- K. Women don't really care about honesty, especially from a liar like you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 14:43:12 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Look, if you're not a hot woman go away Being very fussy about which women you would sleep with puts you five minutes from gay. No real man cares what sort of woman he sleeps with -- if they did, men would voluntarily go grocery shopping just to get more of those brown paper bags. -- K. Wave to brunch, Lots, before the parade passes you by. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: intellectual icon Susan Sontag dead at 71 Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:07:28 -0500 Okay, so which of you killed her? (I'm looking at you, Peter.) She was famous for four things: 1. Having hair that was not only impervious to bullets but also a striking work of graphic art. Very few people have the ability to pull off a high-contrast Soviet Constructivist perma-helmet. 2. She hosted "Alive From Off Center", a PBS series which actually showed pointless performance art on broadcast television -- those magnificent bastards! 3. The 1964 essay "Notes On Camp", which probably inspired some crazy intellectual hipsters to make a little TV show called "Batman" to help the American viewing public understand that the word "camp" had been borrowed from the gay community to refer to the enjoyment of pop culture in a sarcastic vein. 4. The essay "Against Interpretation", which was clearly against interpretation, and if you have any idea that it means anything else, her hair'll kill you. -- K. Is my hair startling enough to make me an intellectual icon too? Or do I also have to say white people are evil? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:12:04 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I realize that this is very uninteresting news, but I'm kind of bored > at the moment, and figure it is only fair that everyone else ought to > be also. You're my type of person. If we combine your power to bore with my power to bore, we'd be a horrendous force to be reckoned with! Almost the equal of Andy Rooney! So who should we crush with our powers of Contagious Boredom? Who should be more bored than they are? Well, everybody should, but who should _most_ be forced to suffer boredom? QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! nanananananananananaBO-RING! nananananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) -- K. I am having fun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 19:11:14 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! > > And once there, we shall perform the 99-point safety check. Making > sure the tire pressure is OK and that all fluids are topped up should > take us to the next commerical break. Oh, Terri, you're getting me all hot'n'bothered. Can I hold your clipboard? > > > > nananananananananaBO-RING! nanananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) > > You got it, Ponch. If you think the Ponch episodes are boring, wait until you get to the ones with Bruce Jenner and Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy. Sure, Bruce Jenner's previous pairing -- partnered with Steve Guttenberg in "Can't Stop The Music" -- may have radiated lethally low levels of intensity, but Bruce Jenner with Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy achieves a level beyond lethal, especially when they add Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy's Cadet Nephew into the already labored and tedious mix. So if that show had stayed on the air another ten years, who would have eventually replaced Bruce Jenner and Mr. Bland Blond and Junior Teen Cadet? Would they have eventually reached some level of insipidity that not even disco-dancing, para-sailing motorcycle cops could surpass as they boogied down the highway on their way to rendezvous with a celebrity cameo by Ed McMahon, Dr. Joyce Brothers, or H.R. Freakin' Pufnstuf? -- K. Remember the episode where you couldn't buy the dramatic reality of the Satan-worshipping punk rocker played by Donnie Most? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20041228a. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:45:33 -0500 McDonald's, not content with targeting 99% of their commercials at black guys, is now targeting the remaining 1% at Latino guys. (I'm not counting the ones for kids, where the clown is always surrounded by an ethnically-correct mix of three children representing all three ethnicities of Earth.) I just saw one featuring a Mexican wrestler. He sits down, still wearing his mask, and is about to eat his "Double Q.P.C." but it won't fit through the little mouth of his mask. So he unzips the mask and everyone oohs and aahs at seeing his face. He eats the burger -- and then he rips off his face, Martin Landau-style, revealing that he's wearing another wrestling mask underneath his skin. AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Eating at McDonalds will make you want to flay yourself after you grow a gimp hood beneath your flesh! Dear David Cronenberg, Go back to making real movies. Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan Who Has Re-Enacted Every Scene From Every One Of Your Movies Except I Haven't Yet Been Able To Make Patrick McGoohan's Head Explode Even Though I'm Thinking About It Really Really Hard. P.S. Please stop before you do a commercial where Ronald has a detachable vagina he can throw. I know you want to. Don't. -- K. Didn't Pink Floyd discover the Double Kewpie Sea on the dark side of the Moon? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:04:07 -0500 Last night I made one of my periodic references to Cronenberg's "Videodrome" -- when I alluded to Ronald McDonald growing a killer vagina -- and that reminded me that I had the Criterion two-disc DVD edition here (the one in the really awesome box designed to look like a BetaMax videotape!) and needed to watch it, so I did. I've always liked Cronenberg's super-creepy-surreal-sicko movies (he did "Scanners" and "The Fly" and "Crash" and "Dead Ringers" and several others) and Videodrome's always been one of my favorites. When it came out in 1983, I saw it twice (on cable) and today it's pretty mind-boggling that a film so disturbing and edgy could be released in 1983 (even by present-day standards, it's pretty over-the-top.) When I saw it in the 1980s, it made quite an impression on me, and all the imagery burned itself deeply into my brain, so that in the twenty years since, I hadn't gone out of my way to watch it, because I still felt like I'd just seen it. (Sometimes you like a movie so much, you don't want to see it as often as lighter ones you can see repeatedly.) Well, I had remembered it being the most disturbing film I had ever seen when I was 16, and now that I've seen it again I still believe it's in competition for that title. (It's the one where James Woods picks up pirated transmissions of an extreme S&M snuff porn show, and can't stop watching even though the show gives its viewers brain cancer... and in James Woods's case, a man-gina...) This got me thinking about whether this movie -- which had quite an influence on me when I was 16 -- was indeed the most disturbing movie I've seen (I'm not sure it is, but it's in the top 3) and I started drawing up a mental list of The Most Disturbing Movies. Then I realized that my list of movies I found disturbing was completely congruent to my list of my favorite movies. They all do things like advocating the violent overthrow of consensus reality while intentionally inducing confusion and revulsion in the Normals in the audience. I seem to gravitate towards satires that contain lots of sick humor mixed with wacky torture and nightmarish imagery. Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", "A Clockwork Orange"... For TV series, I'd select "The Prisoner", "Lexx", "Monty Python's Flying Circus", "Mr. Show", and "M*A*S*H", and "The Simpsons"... I'm a little bemused by this realization that I like movies that are specifically designed to smack people around (especially if I get to see them in a theater with a bunch of people who won't enjoy the experience.) Apparently I got a touch of the ol' Andy Warhol or Andy Kaufman in me. I have really great taste if there's a way to define "great taste" to include "seriously disturbed in a manner that Cronenberg, Tarantino and Gilliam can exploit." If my cable had a channel named "The Really Dark Satire Channel" I'd probably block all the other channels. (Except for the "Match Game Rerun Channel", 'cause I need camp too.) Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need recommendations. What other movies should I be seeing that I may not know about? (And before you mention Takashi Miike, I have the director's cut of "Ichi The Killer" sitting here waiting to be watched.) Of course, if _too many_ people recommend something to me, I'll know I won't like it. So only recommend stuff that only you and I can like. -- K. "Baby Geniuses" is also disturbing, but above I'm using "disturbing" in the sense of "challenging", not in the sense of "it bothers me that the laws of physics allows the DVDs of this movie to exist without spontaneously exploding." P.S.: I need to get one of those wet clay walls for my bedroom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:35:18 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > [Jean-Luc Godard's "Weekend"] > > > The traffic jam sequence is particularly of note. > > > > Technically superb... at reproducing that nails-on-the-chalkboard > > kind of feeling. > > Well, I would say that would be more the bit where there's the long, > loud whine, but anyway when I saw the movie (in an auditorium full of > other people taking the same class) at the end of the traffic jam > sequence everyone spontaneously started to laugh, then almost > immediately felt ashamed of themselves and stopped laughing. It was > neat. And that's why it's fun to see movies with an audience. Another moment like that is when Peter Sellers gets his big laugh at the end of "Dr. Strangelove" ("MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN VALK!") and immediately Kubrick cuts to stock footage of the world being destroyed a thousand times over and the audience is still laughing before they realize they're watching the end of all life on Earth. Then they become real quiet and anxious. They're not so much frightened over seeing the nuclear war, they're frightened because they just realized they could be made to laugh during a nuclear war, and they know that STANLEY KUBRICK 0WNZ THEM. The importance of precise editing for purposes of comedic horror cannot be overstated. A couple of frames sooner or later on that edit point, and that moment wouldn't be nearly as effective. You can never recapture the joy and astonishment you felt when you experienced a movie like that for the first time, but you can share in the emotions radiated by the others who are being rolled by it for the first time, and of course it's just always fun to watch people having their heads played with. I keep thinking that theaters showing classics like "Dr. Stangelove" should sit the first-timers in the center section so the rest of us could sit in swivel seats off to one side so we could either watch the movie or turn to watch their faces. It's so wonderful to see someone lose control of all those little muscles. I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, confused, or shocked. -- K. Sometimes I like to sit way in the back to watch those sickos who are watching the newbies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:35:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", > > "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those > > are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, > > confused, or shocked. > > 'Eyes Wide Shut' aka 'Kubrick's script was accidentally switched with an > angsty, pervy, goth girl's script' So which of the two did you see? The one I saw must've had the Kubrick script, because it sure wasn't pervy, except for the part only Alan Cumming got to see. Now, if you want a Kubrick film just dripping with gay double-entendres and 57 varieties of homoeroticism, you'll love "Spartacus". If you want hetero rape and a three-way sped up to where Benny Hill's head would explode, that's "A Clockwork Orange". "Eyes Wide Shut" had people standing around looking at naked fashion models standing around, and if that's your idea of pervy, you probably freak out whenever you see a beer commercial. PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK............... PLINK............... PLINK............... DO SOMETHING ALREADY DAMMIT! SEND IN BOB BARKER WITH HIS PLINKO STICK! SEND IN FROGGY TO PLINK HIS MAGIC TWANGER! SEND IN THE FREAKIN' PLINK PANTHER! JUST DO SOMETHING! -- K. Kubrick sped up the sex in "A Clockwork Orange" so much that he had to slow Nicole Kidman's dialogue down to one-third speed to keep the Universe in balance. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 03:24:28 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a > > few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need > > recommendations. > > man, you made a big mistake, asking me about movies. I can talk for DAYS. Yeah, but not to me, because I can out-talk anyone. > of course, there's a slight problem in that, although we have very > similar tastes, there are differences. I haven't seen "Pulp Fiction" or > "Tommy" on your list of favorites, and I didn't particularly care for > "Fight Club". I tend to prefer more "mentally disturbing" than "violently > disturbing", so although I liked "Fight Club" better than I thought I > would, I still say it's overrated... and I'm REALLY SICK of people > breaking the first rule about Fight Club: STOP TALKING ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. So, wanna fight over it? > on the other hand, I've heard you don't like "Pi". in fact, that dratted > Tom Kraemer doesn't like "Pi", either, and he gave away his dvd of "Pi", > which I would have gladly taken, because I would like to get rid of my > VHS version. He gave it to me, because contrary to what some nimnul told you, I really like "Pi". I squirmed with glee during the long scene where the phone rings and rings just to torture the audience. > [...] > > Ken Russell films: you've probably seen "Altered States", which isn't the > slightest bit disturbing, and you already admit to liking "Tommy", but > have you seen "Lair of the White Worm"? a movie based on Bram Stoker's > final syphillitic visions? the roman legionaires raping the nuns who may > or may not have actually been worshipping a demon is pretty disturbing. > also, I've been told that another Ken Russell film, "Lisztomania" is > supposed to he pretty fucked up, too, so we both should probably watch > that. "Lisztomania" is pretty fucked up, but not in an entertaining way, unless you like seeing Roger Daltrey in a diaper, Roger Daltrey riding around on a giant penis, or other things involving a Daltrey-diaper-penis combo. "Salome's Last Dance" is the Ken Russell film you're least likely to have seen. It's not very good, but at least it contains more potential eroticism than anything starring Roger Daltrey. > [...] > "American Beauty": another movie with middleaged men who want to sex0r > teenagers, although ultimately that's not what this movie is about. some > damned beautiful cinematography by the same guy who filmed "Incubus". > WARNING! includes Scott Bakula! BIGGER WARNING! Begins with Kevin Spacey masturbating! I did not enjoy this movie. I don't think I would have liked it even if it had been mercifully free from Spaceywank. > [...] > "Being John Malkovich": pretty damned weird concept to begin with (dweeb > puppetteer discovers a doorway into John Malkovich's brane,) but the > ending of this movie had me disturbed for days. but that may just be me, > though. That's a great movie. Too bad Charlie Kaufman's next couple films -- "Adaptation" and "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" -- seemed like such self-important attempts to recapture the success he'd had when he used up his one good idea. > [...] > "Heavenly Creatures": the OTHER Peter Jackson critical success. true > story about teenaged lesbians who dream about the Land of Chocolate > Opera, then kill people. oh, and you might as well watch his zombie movie > "Dead ALive" for even more blood. I liked most of Jackson's "Meet The Feebles" (should've ended sooner), and also, I have actually met the Feebles. Some good movies for you, though not necessarily as dark as others I've mentioned: "One Hour Photo". I've mentioned before that that's a true story. I am Robin Williams. "CQ". Wacky comedy about the making of "Barbarella" and/or "Danger: Diabolik". Complete with John Philip Law as the Chairman of Earth. "Atomic War Bride". It's the wacky "Dr. Strangelove"-style satire of World War III made by Communists. The Orson Welles version of "The Trial", filmed on location in creepy Commie locations. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". Slow to start, but once it gets going, you get to see a glimpse into what the inside of Dr. Seuss's head would look like if it had live-action actors in there. "M", the original version. Get the new two-disc Criterion release. While you're at it, pick up the Kino "Metropolis". "The Manchurian Candidate", the original version. Julie Taymor's "Titus" (Andronicus). Coolest-looking Shakespeare adaptation ever. Always gives me cravings for meat pies in a way that the (enjoyable but light) Vincent Price "Theatre Of Blood" doesn't. "Forbidden Planet". I want to marry Robby The Robot. "Pee-wee's Big Adventure". I am very deeply disturbed by how much I wuv it. -- K. At the moment, I'm directing a sequel to Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" titled "A Cyberbanana". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:15:59 -0500 I just wrote: > > Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no > particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", > "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", > "A Clockwork Orange"... I can't believe I forgot "Fight Club". That movie feels like a documentary to me. That movie is the H-bomb of awesome. I'm probably forgetting other great movies that picked me up and smacked me around and let me with something new to think about, but you get the general idea of my preferences. -- K. Some bozos harm themselves imitating "Jackass" or "Superman". Me, I like "Fight Club". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PREPARE FOR TORTURE! Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:27:01 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchmielewski@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Nothing really, I just wanted to use that line. It doesn't sound right if you yell it. Don't yell, just say what's going to happen. You have to declare it very calmly, without a hint of emotion, to make it as threatening as possible. Also you will never say it right while you merely _want_ to tell people you're about to torture them. It sounds scarier when you _need_ to tell people you're about to torture them. You don't want to, but you can't help yourself, and besides, rules are rules, you don't give a fuck, you're just doing your job. "Prepare for torture, and then if you survive, you can have dinner." George Orwell got this -- O'Brien's uncaring, coldly bureaucratic approach to torturing Winston Smith (perfectly acted by Richard Burton in the 1984 movie of "1984".) Or you could go the other route and do it in a funny accent. Around here, there's a lot of "tor-cha", just like in "(Really Old) Teenagers From Outer Space". > I heard it in a movie today that also featured Brian Blessed in > tiny leather shorts. "Flash Gordon", I hope? The Queen soundtrack CD's booklet has lots of cast photos, except not one picture of Brian Blessed. That photo probably went to some Shakespearean Lederhosen Bears magaine. Or possibly Moonbase Alpha. My favorite line from that movie is where Dale explains to Aura that humans always keep their promises -- "It's one of the things that make us better than you." However, the one I most often quote is "EEE-VEN A ZONG BY THE BEE-TELLZ!" because I think that's actually the most overacted line in the movie. It's fun to imitate Chaim Topol demonstrating that brain damage wears off easy. To get back to what tone of voice you should use to instill fear into the people you're about to torture, I suggest studying Peter Wyngarde's performance as Klytus. Klytus was always my favorite when I was a kid. Somehow I latched onto the way his completely deadpan performance was more interesting than everyone else's over-the-top scenery-chewing. Also, Lorenzo Semple Jr. is one of history's greatest geniuses. If you ever got me in an elevator with him and the late Terry Southern, you can bet we'd come out with a screenplay that would even boze people who _didn't_ see that movie. It would make "The Special Show!" look like "The Highly Constipated Show." It would be spaztacular! -- K. So why does Brian Blessed soak his Twinkies in food coloring? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: funny names, ha-ha-ha Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 13:48:28 -0500 [from www.thevoiceofreason.com] -> -> Least popular boys names in 2004 -> -> Beelzebub -> Agamemnon -> Horatio -> Humperdinck -> Hawkweed -> Milkman -> Donald Duck -> Purple -> Armageddon -> Humpty -> Dumpty -> Pork -> Scratch -> Groin -> Scrooge -> Acne -> Scrote Hmm, I think I wouldn't mind being Beelzebub or Hawkanything. (Provided I didn't have to dress like Brian Blessed. I don't like shorts.) I'd do well as Agamemnon, but only if I could carry my sword so I could kill anyone who misspelled my name. -> Least popular girls names in 2004 -> -> Rack -> Crumpet -> Rumpepumpee -> Rotten-Tomato -> Cabbage -> Plug -> Parsnip Chops -> Potato -> Pillage -> Crotch -> Willy Don't forget Short Round. I spent all of "Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom" torn between wanting to punch a woman and wanting to punch a child, because I couldn't figure out whether Willy or Short Round was the most irritating character. -> Cannelloni -> Lasagne -> Condescensia -> Bucket -> Spot -> Biff Poor Spot! Poor Biff! What, no Einstein? Einstein cried when he was snubbed by the list of bad girls' names! Einstein wanted more than anything to be a bad girl! He went into the little girls' room and lit up a Virginia Slim. -- K. Then he concentrated real hard as he tried to give himself PMS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A simple new medical definition of "brain death". Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 15:10:34 -0500 "Doctor, the patient's vital signs are fading." "Okay, nurse, bring in the TV set." (click) (Judge Judy begins talking) "It's been five seconds and he hasn't turned it off. He's brain-dead." -- K. And if the patient wants to turn it off but there's no "off" switch, then it'll cause brain death in ten. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why Johnny Can't Open His Milk Carton: Because He's A Dink Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 16:10:25 -0500 [www.suntimes.com] -> -> School milk carton giving way to bottle -> -> by J.M. Hirsch -> -> Yet another familiar school-days object may be going the way of -> the inkwell and the slide rule. Black and white TVs? (My school had them in every classroom in 1985.) -> Encouraged by a milk industry study that shows children drink more -> dairy when it comes in round plastic bottles, a growing number of -> schools are ditching those clumsy paper half-pint cartons many of -> us grew up with. -> -> Already more than 1,250 schools have switched to single-serving -> bottles. While that is still a tiny fraction of the nation's -> schools, it is a significant jump from 2000, when there were none, -> according to the National Dairy Council. -> -> Allegedly hard to handle -> -> ''Those ... square containers are awfully hard for kids,'' says -> New Hampshire Agriculture Commissioner Steve Taylor, who has -> watched the trend spread to some 320 schools in New England. -> ''Teachers say you can spend the whole lunch period just walking -> around and opening those containers.'' You know, if the schools refuse to let kids sink or swim when it comes to opening their own little boxes, they'll not only starve to death when they get to college and have to open their own food, but clearly these schools also won't bother teaching the kids anything more difficult than opening a milk carton, such as opening a book, using TV Guide, or dialing 9-1-1. -> While the growing use of bottles in schools can partly be -> attributed to ease -- educators say plastic caps are easier for -> children to open, and round bottles fit better in their hands -- -> marketing savvy deserves at least as much credit. -> -> Several years ago the milk industry decided its boxes were not -> visually competitive when sold alongside the relatively sexy -> bottles of juice and soda increasingly common in schools. Yeah, most six-year-olds prefer the ones with hardcore orgy scenes on them. -- K. By the way, milk sucks, and we should stop forcing kids to drink it in order to attend public school. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Listen to GWB, if you can Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:45:41 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > The Queen of Engerland, being a QUEEN, can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS. > > Otherwise, what's the point of being a QUEEN? > > Ask Lots42. But in a fight between the Queen and Superman, who would win? Superman can do whatever he wants _except_ see through lead or survive a Kryptonite enema. If you cross-bred the Queen with Superman, you'd just get a queen with fewer powers. So obviously the Queen would win any fight against Superman. She'd somehow beat him up with that rigidly dainty little wave she does. Next question: Who would win in a fight between Superbatspiderman, Batspidersuperman, Superspiderbatman, Spidersuperbatman, Batsuperspiderman, and Spiderbatsuperman? And how would we tell their costumes apart? -- K. They'd still be more different than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:57:23 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market > and give Kibo more material to twist into gay fantasies You wish. You're going to the wrong flea market, sissy. You're downstairs with the queens and the clones and the Streisand fans, I'm upstairs with the leathermen and the soldiers and the lumberjacks and the skinheads and the bears and the rubbermen and the bikers. You're the sort of person who can't tell the difference and wanders up the stairs right before closing time looking for someone to take you home, too drunk to understand you're in waaaaay over your head. And you'll never be a pirate. Real pirates play rough. Stick to spending your evenings putting your comic books into numbered plastic bags -- you can fantasize about playing with the big boys all you want, but we're not going to fantasize about you. -- K. If we played with you, you might not be in "mint condition" afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 19:59:38 -0500 My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market and > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > like no one else in recorded history. He'll be cruising around in his little child-size plastic pirate hat with a sprig of mistletoe taped to the brim, and a ChapStick in his pocket... Oh, wait, that really _is_ a ChapStick. I didn't know they'd made them smaller. > . > Mr. Hole > > Par-tay Monster. As for my New Year's Eve, I'm going to go get drunk at the Science Museum. Also I'm going to wear black so I can pretend I'm stealing the Pink Panther diamond when I'm actually just fondling the big salt crystal. -- K. Uh oh, there's a cheaply-dressed pirate on TV at a party with a dancing bear, a Roman centurion, and a guy who "got full" at Taco Bell. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:53:05 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > > like no one else in recorded history. > > Yeah, well, I'm a bit drunk now so shove it up your ass. See what I meant about you wandering upstairs to play with the big boys when you're drunk? I don't care what you want to shove up whose ass -- keep it in your pants, you little twink. You're out of your depth up here and you will keep your pants on until asked. If we want them off, we'll take them off. Really, Lots, you may be only one beer from gay, but you shouldn't be cruising for an insta-fuck. That sort of slutty promiscuity is frowned upon by those of us who know how to be correctly gay. You're stumbling into trouble, and I suggest you sober up enough to find your way back to the lamppost of heterosexuality until you're ready for your first lesson. Or at least stay downstairs with the gay karaoke machine while you have that next beer. -- K. Okay, it's just a regular karaoke machine. But all karaoke machines are pretty gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041228c. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:00:57 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > As a descendent of cavemen, I am profoundly disturbed by the portrayal > of cavemen in a recent Geico commercial. There is a very strong > implication that the cavemen shown at the end of the commercial are gay! Well, some of them must have been. Otherwise none of their children would have been gay, and Charles Nelson Reilly would never have been born, and Gene Rayburn would cry caveman tears over the loss of his friend. -- K. Remember that "Space: 1999" episode where Martin Landau and Barbara Bain turn into cavepeople? Me neither. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Day Of The Cone! Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:54:19 -0500 We knew it was coming. It's finally happened. Orange cones have turned on their former masters. From www.boston.com (The Boston Globe), this story of an orange cone that tried to kill a human: -> On Aug. 17, the 21-year-old Boisvert was patrolling roadways in a -> military Humvee just outside the city of Fallujah. Inside his -> vehicle were a gunner and three other Marines searching for hidden -> bombs along the road. With Boisvert at the wheel, the five were -> traveling at a high speed to make themselves less vulnerable to -> detonated explosives. An orange cone blocking a lane raised no -> suspicions. It had been placed there by allies to block a damaged -> lane on the bridge they were approaching. -> -> But inside the cone was an explosive material filled with shrapnel -> that someone detonated remotely as the Humvee's left tire -> approached. The metal shards ripped through the vehicle's -> floorboard and engine, cut Boisvert's femoral artery and fractured -> the bone in his right leg, and hollowed the bicep in his right arm. From now on, if you see orange cones, do not go near them. In fact, to keep everyone away from the cones, put some sort of warning marker around them. -- K. The cones are revolting! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Something that needs to be said. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 05:05:34 -0500 After you've seen a few hundred, ice sculptures no longer seem like the world's most important art form. There, I said it. I expect to be lynched for taking sides against the majestic mystique of awesomely wonderful ice sculptures, but someone had to come out and say it for the good of humanity. -- K. Also, ice is just made from water.