From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:00:58 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure it'll all be okay once you figure out what you really need. > > I REALLY NEED A GIRLFRIEND. > > GIRL AS IN FEMALE, NOT KIBO DRESSED IN A SKIRT. a) I don't cross-dress; b) If I ever met you, you wouldn't have time to see what I was wearing, because I'd be too busy gay-bashing you, you homophobic homo; c) And sorry, I only date tough guys. If you own Barbara Streisand "action figures", own anything fuschia or mauve, make your own glitter, or sell comic books at a flea market, you're not man enough. It's okay if you want to be a nancy boy, it's just that that's an entirely different segment of the gay community than the one I'm in. (You never see my people because we're all at the _good_ flea market.) Have you considered buying yourself an inflatable doll? You could dress her up like Wonder Woman. And maybe she'd be the same size as you so you could share clothes! Now, as to what you _really_ need... -- K. The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:39:22 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, as to what you _really_ need... > > > > -- K. > > > > The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... > > So your giving in and letting him wear the tights? Hey, he can wear whatever he wants when you take him to the Renaissance Festival. By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > That is so unfair when there are other people that deserve them better. It's not as if there's only one permawedgie in the world. Just look at Andy Rooney -- he's been sitting on one for fifty years. And then there was Jack Webb. The man was the very definition of "eight simultaneous permawedgies." He had 'em, he gave 'em, Harry Morgan nodded approvingly. It's what Webb did. Permawedgies for justice. -- K. I wish I could go back in time so I could get trapped in an elevator with Jack Webb long enough to make him cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 17:25:42 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your > > ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange > > flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > > No . . . . sadly . . . . not stealing your look. Just a nickname I > picked up. I believe it has something to do with videogames and being > on fire. Cool! Just be careful when you take Lots42 to that Renaissance Flea Festival Market, 'cause he'll keep thinking every time he says you're "flaming" is the first time he's said that. Doesn't MSA sell a "FireKnight" brand firefighters' helmet, too? You could be a Renaissance fireman and Lots42 could be a gay pirate flea and together you could confuse people as to what century it is and whether the building's on fire and whether Lots42 is some sort of cootie. -- K. The MSA helmets come in red, black, white, yellow, and blue. What sort of sissy fireman would want blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:45:41 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? Dec. 28, 2004. > > Here is some information from some people who claim to talk to > Him. This is chann-led material, so be careful. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > Subject: A message from Je--s Christ to all who call themselves > Chr-stians > I AM indeed the living J--us Christ, and I deliver this message > through the Living Word that I AM. I know many will doubt that it > is truly I, the real Jes--, who is speaking. I don't know why people think "Wheel Of Fortune" is an intellectually- challenging show. I mean, it makes "Match Game" look like... um... what a smart TV show would be if there ever had been any of them. > [...] > Why do you think I said: And thou shalt love the Lord thy G-d > with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, > and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. (M-rk 12:30) It's also the only commandment to use the word "shazbot". I prefer the eleventy-seventh commandment, which mentions the word "sil": "Thou shalt not say 'sil'." Note that the use/mention distinction is a source of profound schisms in all major religions that worry about whether it's okay to say obscene nonsense words like "sil". -- K. -> The Ten Commandments were made for man alone. We should think it -> strange if they had been made for all the animals. -> -> We should say "Thou shalt not kill" is too general, too sweeping. -> It includes the field mouse and the butterfly. They can't kill. -> And it includes the tiger, which can't help it. -> -> It is a case of Temperament and Circumstance again. You can -> arrange no circumstances that can move the field mouse and the -> butterfly to kill; their temperaments will ill keep them -> unaffected by temptations to kill, they can avoid that crime -> without an effort. But it isn't so with the tiger. Throw a lamb in -> his way when he is hungry, and his temperament will compel him to -> kill it. -> -> Butterflies and field mice are common among men; they can't kill, -> their temperaments make it impossible. There are tigers among men, -> also. Their temperaments move them to violence, and when -> Circumstance furnishes the opportunity and the powerful motive, -> they kill. They can't help it. -> -> -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:05:13 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) said: > > > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? > > "Stop fucking up my Word with hyphens or I'll write the frequency of > your tinfoil hat on every restroom wall in my Kingdom." I think he'd just complain that the Bible is boring and preachy. Now, those Harry Potter books, they've got zazz! And they're educational too -- even an eight-year-old can learn how to do black magic! You know, there are only two words that always have to be printed in all capitals for no reason. They are "LORD" in the Bible and "FORTRAN" everywhere else. Make of this what you will, nerds. -- K. If Jesus were alive today, he'd communicate with us through public-service announcements between "Seinfeld" reruns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041226b. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:00:52 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > GM's Red Tag sale commercial. > > It features a man in a red tag suit being bullied by a father who was > unable to stand in line long enough for his sub teen son (doing weird > things with his lips) to see Santa. Father insists that RedTagMan allow > son to sit on his lap. Cut to son doing weird things with his tongue. > RedTagMan acquiesces. Cut to son doing more weird things with his mouth. > Son walks toward RedTagMan. Cut to line of sub teen males standing in > front of beleaguered RedTagMan. > > Matthew (Is GM a member of NAMBLA?) I don't know, but the guy in that suit seems to be one of those "We Couldn't Afford Andy Richter" guys who are so common in commercials aimed at Regular Joe Six-Pack. And I've never considered Andy Richter a regular guy -- he's too funny to be normal. I'm going to stop thinking of Red Tag Guy as being not quite Andy Richter and start thinking of him as not quite Michael Moore. The subtext of this commercial which always bothers me (during the 3 times I've seen it, and the 90,000 times I've TiVoed over it this week) is that the kid's father is super-pushy and obnoxious as he demands that his kid sit in Red Tag Man's lap because there's too many kids waiting for Santa. The implications: a. Santa's goons are even tougher than this jerk. b. Children are morons who don't care whose lap they sit on. c. We should buy a Hummer because we saw a TV commercial with a guy dressed as a red foam-rubber pentagon. d. We should forget about Santa Claus and pledge allegiance to General Motors. -- K. Why did jerk dad bring his son to an auto dealership to see Santa? It's a lot easier to find a Santa in a big department store or the local homeless shelter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:13:34 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Hey, Kibo, I think Lots42 is getting ready to come out of the closet. > > No, you idiot, I was saying that I was an honest man available for women > to sexxor. As if your attitude going to make Barbara jump on you. Lots, trust me, nice women like Barbara will only like you if you do two things: (a) don't call them idiots when they're being perceptive, and (b) tell them you've turned gay. The latter makes women hot for you. All women. It's automatic. You'll find out someday. Until then, stop calling people idiots just for knowing that you'll someday resolve your latent issues. -- K. Women don't really care about honesty, especially from a liar like you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 14:43:12 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Look, if you're not a hot woman go away Being very fussy about which women you would sleep with puts you five minutes from gay. No real man cares what sort of woman he sleeps with -- if they did, men would voluntarily go grocery shopping just to get more of those brown paper bags. -- K. Wave to brunch, Lots, before the parade passes you by. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: intellectual icon Susan Sontag dead at 71 Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:07:28 -0500 Okay, so which of you killed her? (I'm looking at you, Peter.) She was famous for four things: 1. Having hair that was not only impervious to bullets but also a striking work of graphic art. Very few people have the ability to pull off a high-contrast Soviet Constructivist perma-helmet. 2. She hosted "Alive From Off Center", a PBS series which actually showed pointless performance art on broadcast television -- those magnificent bastards! 3. The 1964 essay "Notes On Camp", which probably inspired some crazy intellectual hipsters to make a little TV show called "Batman" to help the American viewing public understand that the word "camp" had been borrowed from the gay community to refer to the enjoyment of pop culture in a sarcastic vein. 4. The essay "Against Interpretation", which was clearly against interpretation, and if you have any idea that it means anything else, her hair'll kill you. -- K. Is my hair startling enough to make me an intellectual icon too? Or do I also have to say white people are evil? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:12:04 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I realize that this is very uninteresting news, but I'm kind of bored > at the moment, and figure it is only fair that everyone else ought to > be also. You're my type of person. If we combine your power to bore with my power to bore, we'd be a horrendous force to be reckoned with! Almost the equal of Andy Rooney! So who should we crush with our powers of Contagious Boredom? Who should be more bored than they are? Well, everybody should, but who should _most_ be forced to suffer boredom? QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! nanananananananananaBO-RING! nananananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) -- K. I am having fun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 19:11:14 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! > > And once there, we shall perform the 99-point safety check. Making > sure the tire pressure is OK and that all fluids are topped up should > take us to the next commerical break. Oh, Terri, you're getting me all hot'n'bothered. Can I hold your clipboard? > > > > nananananananananaBO-RING! nanananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) > > You got it, Ponch. If you think the Ponch episodes are boring, wait until you get to the ones with Bruce Jenner and Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy. Sure, Bruce Jenner's previous pairing -- partnered with Steve Guttenberg in "Can't Stop The Music" -- may have radiated lethally low levels of intensity, but Bruce Jenner with Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy achieves a level beyond lethal, especially when they add Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy's Cadet Nephew into the already labored and tedious mix. So if that show had stayed on the air another ten years, who would have eventually replaced Bruce Jenner and Mr. Bland Blond and Junior Teen Cadet? Would they have eventually reached some level of insipidity that not even disco-dancing, para-sailing motorcycle cops could surpass as they boogied down the highway on their way to rendezvous with a celebrity cameo by Ed McMahon, Dr. Joyce Brothers, or H.R. Freakin' Pufnstuf? -- K. Remember the episode where you couldn't buy the dramatic reality of the Satan-worshipping punk rocker played by Donnie Most? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:59:53 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! [...] > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. > > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? Salt crystal? T station?) By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. -- K. I keep thinking I should print up some decals with better explanations of the exhibits. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:23:18 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@theworld.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking > > > garage? Salt crystal? T station?) > > > > Lobby, I suppose. > > Weather permitting, we should all meet in front of the T-Rex out on > the sidewalk. Because, PHOTO-OP. Supposedly there's a good chance of it coldraining on Friday morning. I say we stick with the lobby. We can have a photo op in front of the newer, better T-Rex inside, or go outside briefly to photograph the half of the old T-Rex that's escaping the museum. Plus the lobby will be more fun for those of us who enjoy acting like suspicious characters. Inside, we can glower at the tourists. Outside, the tourists would just ignore us and park rangers would hassle us. (Yes, I've had park rangers grill me when I was waiting outside to meet someone. I didn't even know that Science Park was a real enough park to have actual Hanna-Barbera style rangers patrolling it. I think they're afraid of Al-Qaeda blowing up the museum to kill all the dinosaurs.) -- K. If you see me being hassled by a park ranger, go ahead and yell something about a missing pic-a-nic basket to get him to turn around. Then I can get him in a half-nelson and take him inside to use the big Van de Graaf generator to taze him good. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:12:44 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? > > Salt crystal? T station?) > > Lobby, I suppose. We'll be the group loitering around looking suspicious > and wondering how long it'll take before they kick us out. Dude, I'm in that group 24 hours a day, even when I'm by myself. I'll be the only guy in the lobby with black leather and orange hair and more black leather and I'll be somewhere between 6'2" and 7'15" (inclusive). > Also, with the highest per-capita amount of scarf. I have no scarf. I will be wearing one of my black ski masks and wearing big leather gloves that have little storage compartments from which other, nylon gloves can undock in situations where I might need to keep my primary gloves from getting wet. Man, I love any excuse for clothing to have extra zippers. I also like how modern ski masks are compatible with nose rings. I don't know why you have to say "balaclava" instead of "ski mask" these days. It always makes me think you're talking about covering someone's head with flaky, flaky pastry, and that shouldn't happen outside dandruff commercials. > > By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains > > aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, > > from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone > > will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. > > See above, in bright red and green letters of fire. Basically's, youse rides the Green Line to Gummit Cenna, youse gets up the escalators and goes to the yellow "FREE TRANSFER" machines to's your left and pushes the button to get's youse ticket. Then youse rides the bus for free else you pays five quarters. Bus lets youse off's somewhere near a highway innersection near Science Park and youse follows the nerds on foot. > > Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as > > big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen > > rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. > > How about a mini-golf club for the kinetic scuplture? Don't have one of those. The only sporting goods I have are hockey stuff, unless motorcycle and rodeo and dressage count as sports, which I suppose they don't because they're not violent like hockey and mini-golf. Oh, and I got swords and armor too, but gladiation probably doesn't count as a sport either because it's only 90% as violent as hockey. I'm still tempted to bring along a big medieval-style jar of vitriol to see if I can etch the giant salt crystal down to an easier-to-swallow size. Neither "The 'Science' Of 'Star Wars'" nor "The 'Science' Of The 'Magic' Of 'The Lord Of The Rings'" is currently on exhibit, so I won't bring either a glowing or non-glowing sword. The current temporary exhibit is "Strange Matter" (from Toronto), featuring ten "interactive Experience Pods" where you can actually stick your hands into a glove box to make mud pies out of futuristic goop. The exhibit halls are open to 9pm. The big lightning show ("Electricity!") is at 12:00, 2:00, 4:00, and 7:00. "Battle Of The Currents" -- which is completely different and much more Kibological because it just consists of a one-man show about a guy obsessed with making everyone in the world respect the genius of Nikola Tesla -- is at 1:15 and 3:15. Neither is to be missed if you like watching lethal voltages. I think the Dippin' Dots vending machine is still there, but I don't know whether it's still advertising that it's running "* * * BETA * * *" firmware. -- K. I used to be good at mini-golf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 04:04:39 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > off my hangover until 3 PM. Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum to see what I can break. The secret is to get out of bed whenever the hell you need to get out of bed and not let your body complain about anything 'cause you're the boss of it -- and if you're not going to bother being the boss of your own body, tough shit, because then L.Ron Hubbard will be the boss of your body. He called dibs on people like you, and if you can't even fight off a hangover, you're no match for L.Ron. Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. -- K. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -- US Marine Corps "Tiredness is everything else leaving the body." -- me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 01:58:06 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 > > a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe > > I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum > > to see what I can break. > > Clubbing? Perky? Did you become a teenage girl over the holidays or > something? I may have been using the adjective facetiously, like when I call Stacia or Lots42 "Dude". I may have been using the gerund as a double-entendre. I may have been using various household objects as clubs. I may own an anvil. Dude! > > Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. > > At 11AM on 12/31/04 I was contorted into a pretzel-like shape behind an > equipment rack trying to shove a WIC-DSU1-56K4 card into the interface > slot of a Cisco 2610 router. With shaky hands. Now, "router" is another double-entendre, right? At about that time I was getting a long lecture from an ex-professor whose only outlet for his anger was to take a job at the science museum standing in front of the lightning machine making us all listen to him loudly telling everyone that "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" IS NOT SCIENCE!!! IT'S SCIENCE FICTION! YOU CANNOT MIX SCIENCE WITH ANYTHING, SCIENCE IS SCIENCE! FOOD SCIENCE IS NOT SCIENCE! SCIENCE DIET IS NOT SCIENCE! I had the urge to yell back, "And SCIENCE MUSEUM is not SCIENCE! Less yappin', more zappin'! We came to see stuff blow up, not to see you blow up!" He was emphatic that we should never listen to authority (especially the other demonstrators at the museum) except we should all read Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World". Then after twenty or thirty minutes of ranting he switched on the lightning machine for a minute, after warning us a couple times that it would be extremely loud -- as loud as a jet engine -- "forty-five decibels". Um... I gotta remember never to listen to authority, just like he told me to. (Forty-five decibels is off by a few bazillion orders of magnitude, he must have meant a hundred and forty-five or more. Forty-five is about how loud your refrigerator is when it's brand new. The lightning machine is more like having a gun fired in your ear until you go insane and start ranting about how Carl Sagan is more educational that J.R.R. Tolkien even though they were both total stoners.) > k., and without lubricant You should try Fabio's new That's Not Lube. He uses it to keep his chest from chafing when his boobs rub together. -- K. That science museum now has _two_ of R2-D2. That makes the museum twice as educational as "Star Wars". Also the museum still has that dinosaur who was clearly plagiarized from Jar Jar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 15:35:12 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > Also, Joe Manfre would be happy that some guy was standing outside the > museum shop, shooting people with an Airzooka. He was shooting it at > everyone who walked by, except Kibo. I think he was expecting me to yell, "Hey! You got your AIR all over my LEATHER!" and the pummeling would commence while I further complained, "And BOTH Dippin' Dots machines are out of order, even though only one of them is still openly advertising that it's running a 1998 beta version of its firmware!" > > (Forty-five decibels is off by a few bazillion orders of magnitude, > > he must have meant a hundred and forty-five or more. > > Yeah, and he said forty-five TWICE. It wasn't, like, a SLIP OF THE > TONGUE or something. Also, it was probably 145dB at the source of the > sound, but it was up about a zillion feet in the air...it was probably > only 100 or 110 where we were sitting. Eh, I'd say it was at least 145 where some parts of the audience were (upstairs), that thing is pretty damn loud. It's comparable to a gun being fired in your face if you're upstairs. Downstairs, yes, it is more like hearing a whip crack twelve feet away, but upstairs the whip is cracking inside your ear canal. Gotta be more than 145, but for only a fraction of a second. I think next time we go, we should bring a decibel meter. Also we should ask the guy how come nobody ever uses whole bels. > > That science museum > > now has _two_ of R2-D2. > > Yeah. One of which you're allowed to photograph, and one you're not. > Which I totally don't get. But whatever. And they're the only things at the museum I don't already have one of at home. I've got Tesla coils, some burning bacon, a stack of Big Dig propaganda, a suit of chain mail, dead bugs, many broken computers, an infrared camera, a catalog with photos of chairs, and a Jar Jar doll. Actually, there is one other thing I don't have: A lousy greasy overpriced cafeteria where people can pay to pretend they're back in second grade eating those drippy swillburgers. Ecch. -- K. TVs should have little decibel meters on them to help us figure out which sitcom has the loudest, and therefore funniest, laugh track. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:49:07 -0500 Last night, I wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > > off my hangover until 3 PM. > > Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 > a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe > I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum > to see what I can break. Hokay, I got out of bed at the appointed time, went to the gathering at the Museum of Science, and then I went home and watched TV, took a 90-minute nap, then went back to the club for the New Year's party, which had a $15 cover charge because they were serving dinner, which consisted of rolls, rolls, rolls, croissants, and rolls -- said Continental breakfast buffet being unveiled circa 1:15am (last call in Boston is at 2:00, though on New Year's this club stays open 'til 4.) Between 2 and 4 there were a lot of surly drunken people staring at the rolls wishing they could get booze or at least anything other than rolls after having paid $15 for access to the roll bar. (I don't drink alcohol, but I should've thought to bring a bottle of hot sauce so I could get drunk off it from 2 to 4 just to annoy all the liquor drunks.) Anyway, I got home at 4:30am, and I'm still quite perky, although my ability to spell is undoubtedly suffering. Anyway, I defy anyone to prove they can stay perky longer than me. By the way, what does "perky" mean? -- K. You know, I've never had a hangover. This is because I am a fine moral example, with no vices. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 14:37:17 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > You know, I've never had a hangover. This is because > > > I am a fine moral example, with no vices. > > > > Not even a set of thumbscrews or nipple clamps? I find that difficult > > to believe. > > Those are DEvices, which are the opposite of vices. Exactly. Vices are deviant, therefore devices are viant. Also, if Darth Vader married Ella Fitzgerald, she'd be Very Unhappy. In the news today, it was reported that curry (specifically, curcumin, one of the active ingredients in turmeric) is a more effective anti- Alzheimer's treatment than any actual medications. This is in addition to recent reports that curry also cures cancer and protects you from radiation. Oh, and of course, everyone knows that hot pepper is a natural antibiotic. So, my question is, if curry is so awesome, how come I can't get a hangover the day after I get high from it? -- K. And they're not thumbSCREWS, because I only have ones with a ratchet mechanism. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20041228a. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:45:33 -0500 McDonald's, not content with targeting 99% of their commercials at black guys, is now targeting the remaining 1% at Latino guys. (I'm not counting the ones for kids, where the clown is always surrounded by an ethnically-correct mix of three children representing all three ethnicities of Earth.) I just saw one featuring a Mexican wrestler. He sits down, still wearing his mask, and is about to eat his "Double Q.P.C." but it won't fit through the little mouth of his mask. So he unzips the mask and everyone oohs and aahs at seeing his face. He eats the burger -- and then he rips off his face, Martin Landau-style, revealing that he's wearing another wrestling mask underneath his skin. AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Eating at McDonalds will make you want to flay yourself after you grow a gimp hood beneath your flesh! Dear David Cronenberg, Go back to making real movies. Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan Who Has Re-Enacted Every Scene From Every One Of Your Movies Except I Haven't Yet Been Able To Make Patrick McGoohan's Head Explode Even Though I'm Thinking About It Really Really Hard. P.S. Please stop before you do a commercial where Ronald has a detachable vagina he can throw. I know you want to. Don't. -- K. Didn't Pink Floyd discover the Double Kewpie Sea on the dark side of the Moon? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:04:07 -0500 Last night I made one of my periodic references to Cronenberg's "Videodrome" -- when I alluded to Ronald McDonald growing a killer vagina -- and that reminded me that I had the Criterion two-disc DVD edition here (the one in the really awesome box designed to look like a BetaMax videotape!) and needed to watch it, so I did. I've always liked Cronenberg's super-creepy-surreal-sicko movies (he did "Scanners" and "The Fly" and "Crash" and "Dead Ringers" and several others) and Videodrome's always been one of my favorites. When it came out in 1983, I saw it twice (on cable) and today it's pretty mind-boggling that a film so disturbing and edgy could be released in 1983 (even by present-day standards, it's pretty over-the-top.) When I saw it in the 1980s, it made quite an impression on me, and all the imagery burned itself deeply into my brain, so that in the twenty years since, I hadn't gone out of my way to watch it, because I still felt like I'd just seen it. (Sometimes you like a movie so much, you don't want to see it as often as lighter ones you can see repeatedly.) Well, I had remembered it being the most disturbing film I had ever seen when I was 16, and now that I've seen it again I still believe it's in competition for that title. (It's the one where James Woods picks up pirated transmissions of an extreme S&M snuff porn show, and can't stop watching even though the show gives its viewers brain cancer... and in James Woods's case, a man-gina...) This got me thinking about whether this movie -- which had quite an influence on me when I was 16 -- was indeed the most disturbing movie I've seen (I'm not sure it is, but it's in the top 3) and I started drawing up a mental list of The Most Disturbing Movies. Then I realized that my list of movies I found disturbing was completely congruent to my list of my favorite movies. They all do things like advocating the violent overthrow of consensus reality while intentionally inducing confusion and revulsion in the Normals in the audience. I seem to gravitate towards satires that contain lots of sick humor mixed with wacky torture and nightmarish imagery. Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", "A Clockwork Orange"... For TV series, I'd select "The Prisoner", "Lexx", "Monty Python's Flying Circus", "Mr. Show", and "M*A*S*H", and "The Simpsons"... I'm a little bemused by this realization that I like movies that are specifically designed to smack people around (especially if I get to see them in a theater with a bunch of people who won't enjoy the experience.) Apparently I got a touch of the ol' Andy Warhol or Andy Kaufman in me. I have really great taste if there's a way to define "great taste" to include "seriously disturbed in a manner that Cronenberg, Tarantino and Gilliam can exploit." If my cable had a channel named "The Really Dark Satire Channel" I'd probably block all the other channels. (Except for the "Match Game Rerun Channel", 'cause I need camp too.) Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need recommendations. What other movies should I be seeing that I may not know about? (And before you mention Takashi Miike, I have the director's cut of "Ichi The Killer" sitting here waiting to be watched.) Of course, if _too many_ people recommend something to me, I'll know I won't like it. So only recommend stuff that only you and I can like. -- K. "Baby Geniuses" is also disturbing, but above I'm using "disturbing" in the sense of "challenging", not in the sense of "it bothers me that the laws of physics allows the DVDs of this movie to exist without spontaneously exploding." P.S.: I need to get one of those wet clay walls for my bedroom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:35:18 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > [Jean-Luc Godard's "Weekend"] > > > The traffic jam sequence is particularly of note. > > > > Technically superb... at reproducing that nails-on-the-chalkboard > > kind of feeling. > > Well, I would say that would be more the bit where there's the long, > loud whine, but anyway when I saw the movie (in an auditorium full of > other people taking the same class) at the end of the traffic jam > sequence everyone spontaneously started to laugh, then almost > immediately felt ashamed of themselves and stopped laughing. It was > neat. And that's why it's fun to see movies with an audience. Another moment like that is when Peter Sellers gets his big laugh at the end of "Dr. Strangelove" ("MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN VALK!") and immediately Kubrick cuts to stock footage of the world being destroyed a thousand times over and the audience is still laughing before they realize they're watching the end of all life on Earth. Then they become real quiet and anxious. They're not so much frightened over seeing the nuclear war, they're frightened because they just realized they could be made to laugh during a nuclear war, and they know that STANLEY KUBRICK 0WNZ THEM. The importance of precise editing for purposes of comedic horror cannot be overstated. A couple of frames sooner or later on that edit point, and that moment wouldn't be nearly as effective. You can never recapture the joy and astonishment you felt when you experienced a movie like that for the first time, but you can share in the emotions radiated by the others who are being rolled by it for the first time, and of course it's just always fun to watch people having their heads played with. I keep thinking that theaters showing classics like "Dr. Stangelove" should sit the first-timers in the center section so the rest of us could sit in swivel seats off to one side so we could either watch the movie or turn to watch their faces. It's so wonderful to see someone lose control of all those little muscles. I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, confused, or shocked. -- K. Sometimes I like to sit way in the back to watch those sickos who are watching the newbies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:35:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", > > "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those > > are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, > > confused, or shocked. > > 'Eyes Wide Shut' aka 'Kubrick's script was accidentally switched with an > angsty, pervy, goth girl's script' So which of the two did you see? The one I saw must've had the Kubrick script, because it sure wasn't pervy, except for the part only Alan Cumming got to see. Now, if you want a Kubrick film just dripping with gay double-entendres and 57 varieties of homoeroticism, you'll love "Spartacus". If you want hetero rape and a three-way sped up to where Benny Hill's head would explode, that's "A Clockwork Orange". "Eyes Wide Shut" had people standing around looking at naked fashion models standing around, and if that's your idea of pervy, you probably freak out whenever you see a beer commercial. PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK............... PLINK............... PLINK............... DO SOMETHING ALREADY DAMMIT! SEND IN BOB BARKER WITH HIS PLINKO STICK! SEND IN FROGGY TO PLINK HIS MAGIC TWANGER! SEND IN THE FREAKIN' PLINK PANTHER! JUST DO SOMETHING! -- K. Kubrick sped up the sex in "A Clockwork Orange" so much that he had to slow Nicole Kidman's dialogue down to one-third speed to keep the Universe in balance. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 03:24:28 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a > > few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need > > recommendations. > > man, you made a big mistake, asking me about movies. I can talk for DAYS. Yeah, but not to me, because I can out-talk anyone. > of course, there's a slight problem in that, although we have very > similar tastes, there are differences. I haven't seen "Pulp Fiction" or > "Tommy" on your list of favorites, and I didn't particularly care for > "Fight Club". I tend to prefer more "mentally disturbing" than "violently > disturbing", so although I liked "Fight Club" better than I thought I > would, I still say it's overrated... and I'm REALLY SICK of people > breaking the first rule about Fight Club: STOP TALKING ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. So, wanna fight over it? > on the other hand, I've heard you don't like "Pi". in fact, that dratted > Tom Kraemer doesn't like "Pi", either, and he gave away his dvd of "Pi", > which I would have gladly taken, because I would like to get rid of my > VHS version. He gave it to me, because contrary to what some nimnul told you, I really like "Pi". I squirmed with glee during the long scene where the phone rings and rings just to torture the audience. > [...] > > Ken Russell films: you've probably seen "Altered States", which isn't the > slightest bit disturbing, and you already admit to liking "Tommy", but > have you seen "Lair of the White Worm"? a movie based on Bram Stoker's > final syphillitic visions? the roman legionaires raping the nuns who may > or may not have actually been worshipping a demon is pretty disturbing. > also, I've been told that another Ken Russell film, "Lisztomania" is > supposed to he pretty fucked up, too, so we both should probably watch > that. "Lisztomania" is pretty fucked up, but not in an entertaining way, unless you like seeing Roger Daltrey in a diaper, Roger Daltrey riding around on a giant penis, or other things involving a Daltrey-diaper-penis combo. "Salome's Last Dance" is the Ken Russell film you're least likely to have seen. It's not very good, but at least it contains more potential eroticism than anything starring Roger Daltrey. > [...] > "American Beauty": another movie with middleaged men who want to sex0r > teenagers, although ultimately that's not what this movie is about. some > damned beautiful cinematography by the same guy who filmed "Incubus". > WARNING! includes Scott Bakula! BIGGER WARNING! Begins with Kevin Spacey masturbating! I did not enjoy this movie. I don't think I would have liked it even if it had been mercifully free from Spaceywank. > [...] > "Being John Malkovich": pretty damned weird concept to begin with (dweeb > puppetteer discovers a doorway into John Malkovich's brane,) but the > ending of this movie had me disturbed for days. but that may just be me, > though. That's a great movie. Too bad Charlie Kaufman's next couple films -- "Adaptation" and "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" -- seemed like such self-important attempts to recapture the success he'd had when he used up his one good idea. > [...] > "Heavenly Creatures": the OTHER Peter Jackson critical success. true > story about teenaged lesbians who dream about the Land of Chocolate > Opera, then kill people. oh, and you might as well watch his zombie movie > "Dead ALive" for even more blood. I liked most of Jackson's "Meet The Feebles" (should've ended sooner), and also, I have actually met the Feebles. Some good movies for you, though not necessarily as dark as others I've mentioned: "One Hour Photo". I've mentioned before that that's a true story. I am Robin Williams. "CQ". Wacky comedy about the making of "Barbarella" and/or "Danger: Diabolik". Complete with John Philip Law as the Chairman of Earth. "Atomic War Bride". It's the wacky "Dr. Strangelove"-style satire of World War III made by Communists. The Orson Welles version of "The Trial", filmed on location in creepy Commie locations. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". Slow to start, but once it gets going, you get to see a glimpse into what the inside of Dr. Seuss's head would look like if it had live-action actors in there. "M", the original version. Get the new two-disc Criterion release. While you're at it, pick up the Kino "Metropolis". "The Manchurian Candidate", the original version. Julie Taymor's "Titus" (Andronicus). Coolest-looking Shakespeare adaptation ever. Always gives me cravings for meat pies in a way that the (enjoyable but light) Vincent Price "Theatre Of Blood" doesn't. "Forbidden Planet". I want to marry Robby The Robot. "Pee-wee's Big Adventure". I am very deeply disturbed by how much I wuv it. -- K. At the moment, I'm directing a sequel to Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" titled "A Cyberbanana". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:15:59 -0500 I just wrote: > > Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no > particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", > "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", > "A Clockwork Orange"... I can't believe I forgot "Fight Club". That movie feels like a documentary to me. That movie is the H-bomb of awesome. I'm probably forgetting other great movies that picked me up and smacked me around and let me with something new to think about, but you get the general idea of my preferences. -- K. Some bozos harm themselves imitating "Jackass" or "Superman". Me, I like "Fight Club". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PREPARE FOR TORTURE! Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:27:01 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchmielewski@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Nothing really, I just wanted to use that line. It doesn't sound right if you yell it. Don't yell, just say what's going to happen. You have to declare it very calmly, without a hint of emotion, to make it as threatening as possible. Also you will never say it right while you merely _want_ to tell people you're about to torture them. It sounds scarier when you _need_ to tell people you're about to torture them. You don't want to, but you can't help yourself, and besides, rules are rules, you don't give a fuck, you're just doing your job. "Prepare for torture, and then if you survive, you can have dinner." George Orwell got this -- O'Brien's uncaring, coldly bureaucratic approach to torturing Winston Smith (perfectly acted by Richard Burton in the 1984 movie of "1984".) Or you could go the other route and do it in a funny accent. Around here, there's a lot of "tor-cha", just like in "(Really Old) Teenagers From Outer Space". > I heard it in a movie today that also featured Brian Blessed in > tiny leather shorts. "Flash Gordon", I hope? The Queen soundtrack CD's booklet has lots of cast photos, except not one picture of Brian Blessed. That photo probably went to some Shakespearean Lederhosen Bears magaine. Or possibly Moonbase Alpha. My favorite line from that movie is where Dale explains to Aura that humans always keep their promises -- "It's one of the things that make us better than you." However, the one I most often quote is "EEE-VEN A ZONG BY THE BEE-TELLZ!" because I think that's actually the most overacted line in the movie. It's fun to imitate Chaim Topol demonstrating that brain damage wears off easy. To get back to what tone of voice you should use to instill fear into the people you're about to torture, I suggest studying Peter Wyngarde's performance as Klytus. Klytus was always my favorite when I was a kid. Somehow I latched onto the way his completely deadpan performance was more interesting than everyone else's over-the-top scenery-chewing. Also, Lorenzo Semple Jr. is one of history's greatest geniuses. If you ever got me in an elevator with him and the late Terry Southern, you can bet we'd come out with a screenplay that would even boze people who _didn't_ see that movie. It would make "The Special Show!" look like "The Highly Constipated Show." It would be spaztacular! -- K. So why does Brian Blessed soak his Twinkies in food coloring? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: funny names, ha-ha-ha Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 13:48:28 -0500 [from www.thevoiceofreason.com] -> -> Least popular boys names in 2004 -> -> Beelzebub -> Agamemnon -> Horatio -> Humperdinck -> Hawkweed -> Milkman -> Donald Duck -> Purple -> Armageddon -> Humpty -> Dumpty -> Pork -> Scratch -> Groin -> Scrooge -> Acne -> Scrote Hmm, I think I wouldn't mind being Beelzebub or Hawkanything. (Provided I didn't have to dress like Brian Blessed. I don't like shorts.) I'd do well as Agamemnon, but only if I could carry my sword so I could kill anyone who misspelled my name. -> Least popular girls names in 2004 -> -> Rack -> Crumpet -> Rumpepumpee -> Rotten-Tomato -> Cabbage -> Plug -> Parsnip Chops -> Potato -> Pillage -> Crotch -> Willy Don't forget Short Round. I spent all of "Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom" torn between wanting to punch a woman and wanting to punch a child, because I couldn't figure out whether Willy or Short Round was the most irritating character. -> Cannelloni -> Lasagne -> Condescensia -> Bucket -> Spot -> Biff Poor Spot! Poor Biff! What, no Einstein? Einstein cried when he was snubbed by the list of bad girls' names! Einstein wanted more than anything to be a bad girl! He went into the little girls' room and lit up a Virginia Slim. -- K. Then he concentrated real hard as he tried to give himself PMS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: funny names, ha-ha-ha Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 18:17:20 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Don't forget Short Round. I spent all of "Indiana Jones And The Temple > > Of Doom" torn between wanting to punch a woman and wanting to punch a > > child, because I couldn't figure out whether Willy or Short Round was > > the most irritating character. > > Well, geez, Kibo, you got TWO hands, don't you? Punch 'em BOTH. > > Please. Hard. I think I need to reserve one hand for grabbing Indy's whip so I can hang onto it for safekeeping before Steven Spielberg digitally retouches the film to change it into a can of Silly String. I'm glad that in the recent DVD release, the only notable retouching was that they took out the reflection of Harrison Ford in the plate of glass protecting him from the cobra. However, given that Spielberg screwed around with the guns/walkie-talkies in the DVD version of "E.T." and Lucas added computer-animated Ewoks to the DVD of "THX-1138", as the Indiana Jones movies are Spielberg/Lucas collaborations I expect them _each_ to issue a retouched version. Spielberg's will replace all the Nazis with junior high school bullies who will learn important lessons, while Lucas's will change the Indy's famous "I have painful diarrhea so I'm going to shoot you now" fight with the swordsman to show that the swordsman had diarrhea first, just like in that "Star Wars" reworking where not only does Greedo fire first, but Harrison Ford can bend his spine sixty degrees to the left to dodge the laser beam that never even used to be there. However, I will support each of those versions if they replace Short Round and Willy with less annoying characters, such as that old Papa Gino's commercial's "HOOPIE-DOO!" guy breathing helium while shining two laser pointers directly into the audience's eyes. -- K. I hear they're working on retouching "Tron" to double the amount of computer animation, by adding another six minutes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A simple new medical definition of "brain death". Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 15:10:34 -0500 "Doctor, the patient's vital signs are fading." "Okay, nurse, bring in the TV set." (click) (Judge Judy begins talking) "It's been five seconds and he hasn't turned it off. He's brain-dead." -- K. And if the patient wants to turn it off but there's no "off" switch, then it'll cause brain death in ten. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why Johnny Can't Open His Milk Carton: Because He's A Dink Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 16:10:25 -0500 [www.suntimes.com] -> -> School milk carton giving way to bottle -> -> by J.M. Hirsch -> -> Yet another familiar school-days object may be going the way of -> the inkwell and the slide rule. Black and white TVs? (My school had them in every classroom in 1985.) -> Encouraged by a milk industry study that shows children drink more -> dairy when it comes in round plastic bottles, a growing number of -> schools are ditching those clumsy paper half-pint cartons many of -> us grew up with. -> -> Already more than 1,250 schools have switched to single-serving -> bottles. While that is still a tiny fraction of the nation's -> schools, it is a significant jump from 2000, when there were none, -> according to the National Dairy Council. -> -> Allegedly hard to handle -> -> ''Those ... square containers are awfully hard for kids,'' says -> New Hampshire Agriculture Commissioner Steve Taylor, who has -> watched the trend spread to some 320 schools in New England. -> ''Teachers say you can spend the whole lunch period just walking -> around and opening those containers.'' You know, if the schools refuse to let kids sink or swim when it comes to opening their own little boxes, they'll not only starve to death when they get to college and have to open their own food, but clearly these schools also won't bother teaching the kids anything more difficult than opening a milk carton, such as opening a book, using TV Guide, or dialing 9-1-1. -> While the growing use of bottles in schools can partly be -> attributed to ease -- educators say plastic caps are easier for -> children to open, and round bottles fit better in their hands -- -> marketing savvy deserves at least as much credit. -> -> Several years ago the milk industry decided its boxes were not -> visually competitive when sold alongside the relatively sexy -> bottles of juice and soda increasingly common in schools. Yeah, most six-year-olds prefer the ones with hardcore orgy scenes on them. -- K. By the way, milk sucks, and we should stop forcing kids to drink it in order to attend public school. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Listen to GWB, if you can Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:45:41 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > The Queen of Engerland, being a QUEEN, can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS. > > Otherwise, what's the point of being a QUEEN? > > Ask Lots42. But in a fight between the Queen and Superman, who would win? Superman can do whatever he wants _except_ see through lead or survive a Kryptonite enema. If you cross-bred the Queen with Superman, you'd just get a queen with fewer powers. So obviously the Queen would win any fight against Superman. She'd somehow beat him up with that rigidly dainty little wave she does. Next question: Who would win in a fight between Superbatspiderman, Batspidersuperman, Superspiderbatman, Spidersuperbatman, Batsuperspiderman, and Spiderbatsuperman? And how would we tell their costumes apart? -- K. They'd still be more different than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:57:23 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market > and give Kibo more material to twist into gay fantasies You wish. You're going to the wrong flea market, sissy. You're downstairs with the queens and the clones and the Streisand fans, I'm upstairs with the leathermen and the soldiers and the lumberjacks and the skinheads and the bears and the rubbermen and the bikers. You're the sort of person who can't tell the difference and wanders up the stairs right before closing time looking for someone to take you home, too drunk to understand you're in waaaaay over your head. And you'll never be a pirate. Real pirates play rough. Stick to spending your evenings putting your comic books into numbered plastic bags -- you can fantasize about playing with the big boys all you want, but we're not going to fantasize about you. -- K. If we played with you, you might not be in "mint condition" afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 19:59:38 -0500 My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market and > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > like no one else in recorded history. He'll be cruising around in his little child-size plastic pirate hat with a sprig of mistletoe taped to the brim, and a ChapStick in his pocket... Oh, wait, that really _is_ a ChapStick. I didn't know they'd made them smaller. > . > Mr. Hole > > Par-tay Monster. As for my New Year's Eve, I'm going to go get drunk at the Science Museum. Also I'm going to wear black so I can pretend I'm stealing the Pink Panther diamond when I'm actually just fondling the big salt crystal. -- K. Uh oh, there's a cheaply-dressed pirate on TV at a party with a dancing bear, a Roman centurion, and a guy who "got full" at Taco Bell. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:53:05 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > > like no one else in recorded history. > > Yeah, well, I'm a bit drunk now so shove it up your ass. See what I meant about you wandering upstairs to play with the big boys when you're drunk? I don't care what you want to shove up whose ass -- keep it in your pants, you little twink. You're out of your depth up here and you will keep your pants on until asked. If we want them off, we'll take them off. Really, Lots, you may be only one beer from gay, but you shouldn't be cruising for an insta-fuck. That sort of slutty promiscuity is frowned upon by those of us who know how to be correctly gay. You're stumbling into trouble, and I suggest you sober up enough to find your way back to the lamppost of heterosexuality until you're ready for your first lesson. Or at least stay downstairs with the gay karaoke machine while you have that next beer. -- K. Okay, it's just a regular karaoke machine. But all karaoke machines are pretty gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 18:08:08 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Really, Lots, you may be only one beer from gay, > > Beers suck. Gimme midori sours. Say "please", or no little paper parasol for you. Also, demanding I buy you a drink isn't the best way for you to hit on me. I have lots of better options, so if you want to get me to spend time with you, you'll have to do a _lot_ more than that. -- K. You know, my boots really could use a good cleaning... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041228c. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:00:57 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > As a descendent of cavemen, I am profoundly disturbed by the portrayal > of cavemen in a recent Geico commercial. There is a very strong > implication that the cavemen shown at the end of the commercial are gay! Well, some of them must have been. Otherwise none of their children would have been gay, and Charles Nelson Reilly would never have been born, and Gene Rayburn would cry caveman tears over the loss of his friend. -- K. Remember that "Space: 1999" episode where Martin Landau and Barbara Bain turn into cavepeople? Me neither. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Day Of The Cone! Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:54:19 -0500 We knew it was coming. It's finally happened. Orange cones have turned on their former masters. From www.boston.com (The Boston Globe), this story of an orange cone that tried to kill a human: -> On Aug. 17, the 21-year-old Boisvert was patrolling roadways in a -> military Humvee just outside the city of Fallujah. Inside his -> vehicle were a gunner and three other Marines searching for hidden -> bombs along the road. With Boisvert at the wheel, the five were -> traveling at a high speed to make themselves less vulnerable to -> detonated explosives. An orange cone blocking a lane raised no -> suspicions. It had been placed there by allies to block a damaged -> lane on the bridge they were approaching. -> -> But inside the cone was an explosive material filled with shrapnel -> that someone detonated remotely as the Humvee's left tire -> approached. The metal shards ripped through the vehicle's -> floorboard and engine, cut Boisvert's femoral artery and fractured -> the bone in his right leg, and hollowed the bicep in his right arm. From now on, if you see orange cones, do not go near them. In fact, to keep everyone away from the cones, put some sort of warning marker around them. -- K. The cones are revolting! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Something that needs to be said. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 05:05:34 -0500 After you've seen a few hundred, ice sculptures no longer seem like the world's most important art form. There, I said it. I expect to be lynched for taking sides against the majestic mystique of awesomely wonderful ice sculptures, but someone had to come out and say it for the good of humanity. -- K. Also, ice is just made from water. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 13:42:10 -0500 [www.lodinews.com] -> -> Wackiest police calls of 2004 -> -> Last updated: Friday, Dec 31, 2004 - 11:25:31 am PST -> -> The News-Sentinel's police log is one of the best-read parts of -> the paper, and for good reason: You never know what will turn up. -> Here is a selection of items from the last year culled from the -> records of the Lodi Police Department. -> -> Jan. 4, 1:35 a.m.: Two drunk females on foot were in the Jack in the -> Box drive-through, 2425 W. Kettleman Lane, doing a "strange dance." All dances are strange until you realize that the only dance that makes sense scientifically is that figure-eight one bees do to indicate the relative position of the closest scientists who might be gullible enough to believe that the bees are actually communicating solar trigonometry. -> Feb. 11, 4:25 p.m.: A paranoid man at Woodlake Place Apartments, -> 2440 W. Turner Road, thought people were following him and that -> spiders were on him. Dave Foley was then arrested for writing the horror novel "Hey, There's A Spider On Your Back." -> March 15, 3:37 p.m.: Two juveniles were shooting some kind of gun at -> a mannequin in a back yard in the 1100 block of Port Chelsea Circle. They had probably just seen "Mannequin 2: On The Move" and wanted to make sure it would never turn into Kim Cattrall again. -> April 1, 7:48 p.m.: A man thought there were 99 people creeping -> around outside his residence in the 1200 block of Woodhaven Lane. Well, of course -- there's not room in a front yard for 100 people. -> April 5, 4:53 p.m.: Two females armed with golf clubs were -> fighting at Bellflowers Apartments, 205 Daisy Ave. They were -> separated by the time police arrived. Never mind the details, when do we get to see the photos? -> April 28, 2:55 p.m.: A student at Lodi Academy, 230 S. Central -> Ave., called police to ask that handcuffs be cut off after a prank. Obviously he hadn't read my article from several months ago about the idiot sheriff and the acetylene torch and how all standard police handcuffs take the same keys and most can be opened with a bent paper clip. I wonder whether he was asking for them to use a saw to rip his flesh, or an acetylene torch to burn through it. For future reference: If any of you get stuck in handcuffs, call me and I'll mail you a paper clip. -> May 4, 3:59 p.m.: A woman on Allen Drive wanted to talk to an -> officer about what might happen in the future. "On January 1 of next year, I will be mocked..." -> May 24, 10:53 a.m.: A man went to the police station because he -> thought his boss may have attached a device under his truck. Whether or not he's crazy depends on whether he's worried about a GPS device or one of those new soul-stealing devices with activated Shazbozium-12 to allow the soul-stealing rays to penetrate the undersides of trucks. -> June 2, 10:11 a.m.: Officers were called to do an area check in -> the 600 block of Lincoln Avenue for juveniles who were reportedly -> covering cars with shaving cream and salsa. My experience is it takes several thousand dollars' worth of salsa to actually do that. -> June 2, 5:02 p.m.: A juvenile duct taped to a chair was seen -> running south on Mills Avenue. "Waah! I can't get away from this damn inflatable Jar Jar Chair!" -> July 1, 9:38 p.m.: Two people got into an argument over a dirty -> bathtub in the 1900 block of Victoria Drive Then Jim Henson turned this into a wacky comedy sketch involving an orange puppet, a yellow puppet, and a box of Crumby Crackers brand saltines. -> July 20, 6:16 a.m.: It "took a whole cigarette for the light to -> change" at the northbound intersection of West Lodi Avenue and -> South Hutchins Street. Solution: Switch to shorter cigarettes to make the light change faster. -> July 20, 10:02 a.m.: A resident in the 800 block of North Mills -> Avenue was mad because a neighbor took her picture. ...while she was in the bathtub with Bert and Ernie and some crackers. -> July 24, 12:17 a.m.: A dog with no respect for people who have to -> get up early was barking in the 600 block of North Church Street. Police were dispatched to say "Ssh!" to the dog and then they drove off with their siren blaring. -> July 27, 4:10 p.m.: A 14-year-old girl in the 1300 block of South -> Lee Avenue received a slanderous letter from Santa. What, did Santa tell the Tooth Fairy she hadn't been brushing? Or did he just tell all her friends that she was 14 and still believed in Santa? -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. Somehow, the vagueness of these reports ruins all possibility of them being exciting. It's like if you told Ned Beatty, "I'm gonna make you make NOISES like A NON-DESCRIPT ANIMAL!" Most boring rafting excursion ever! -> Aug. 11, 9:53 p.m.: A female phoned a Lodi teenager, saying she -> was in the trunk of a Buick and was possibly at Wal-Mart, 2350 W. -> Kettleman Lane. Officers checked vehicles in the lot, and at other -> shopping centers, and found nothing. And last night, the tape of this prank was played at someone's New Year's Eve party, especially the really funny part where the woman said she knew what type of car's trunk she was in because it smelled like a Buick. By the way, cell phones don't work that well inside cars with metal trunks. Next time she should pretend to be kidnapped by people driving a futuristic fiberglas car. Plus then she could also pretend to not be protected from lightning just to make that lecturer at the Museum Of Science cry. -> Aug. 25, 4:17 p.m.: An 18-year old was in the emergency room at -> Lodi Memorial Hospital, 975 S. Fairmont Ave., with facial -> lacerations because he "fell in his beer." (shameful pause) "...while it was in the toilet." (shameful pause) "...the pointy toilet." -> Aug. 25, 7:23 a.m.: A balding man was walking back and forth in -> the 0-100 block of West Vine Street, yelling, knocking on doors, -> cracking a bull whip and holding a sword cover. Sorry. I should've worn my hat. Also, that wasn't a sword cover, if you know what I mean. -> Aug. 25, 12:11 p.m.: A suspicious man in a black leather jacket Sorry. I was on a roll that day. -> was riding a seatless bicycle OW OW OW OW MOMMY I DON'T LIKE RE-ENACTING THIS BENNY HILL SKETCH! -> while looking into vehicles at City Hall, 221 W. Pine St. Twenty -> minutes later, he was taking a bath in the adjacent fountain. Did he at least take off his leather jacket? 'Cause it sort of ruins your jacket when you bathe in a fountain while wearing it unless the fountain is filled with lanolin. Was it? (Goopy beige fountains are better than water ones because they're so quiet.) -> Sept. 6, 8:30 p.m.: A man at the Comfort Inn, 118 N. Cherokee -> Lane, said someone was chasing him. An hour later, after switching -> to the Budget Inn, 917 S. Cherokee Lane, he was saying that people -> were locking his room door. Another hour later, this time at the -> Holiday Inn, 1140 S. Cherokee Lane, he said people were following -> him. At midnight, he was still calling 9-1-1. Two hours later, -> officers began a case against him because he would not stop -> calling 9-1-1. And then they started chasing him, and thus the cycle of life progressed. -> Sept. 13, 1:42 a.m.: A caller drove over a piece of carpet that -> was on fire in an alley between Pine and Oak Streets and put it out. And then he said, "Why do you drive over carpet on a parkway but park on carpet in a driveway even though it's not a car or a pet?" -> Sept. 15, 5:44 p.m.: A man with no shirt, shorts or shoes stole -> shoes from a fellow patient in the emergency room at Lodi Memorial -> Hospital, 975 S. Fairmont Ave., and ran from the hospital. I'd hardly have used the phrase "fellow patient" when writing this one up, because the first guy was hardly patient. -> Sept 20, 11:49 a.m.: After leaving a strange love note at a -> woman's door in the 500 block of Daisy Avenue, a man was staring -> at her from across the street. She had no idea who he was. Was he cute? Is she cute? Come on, people, we need these details so we can reconstruct the scene of the crime. -> Sept. 20, 12:42 p.m.: Someone needed advice on marital woes in the -> 200 block of Mulberry Circle. "Help us, officer! Only the police can save our marriage now!" "Okay! I'm on my way over to cuff you two together! Tomorrow I'll be along to cut you out with the acetylene torch!" -> Sept. 28, 2:41 p.m.: Hunting arrows were continuously landing in a -> man's back yard in the 200 block of East Century Boulevard. I wouldn't have called the police to make them stop, I would have just saved them and sold them back to the nitwit -- those things are expensive. -> Oct. 12, 12:46 a.m.: A woman's house was shaking in the 300 block -> of East Pine Street, and it was not caused by music. Unless the termites had deafened her by playing their termite music too loud! -> Oct. 15, 9:08 p.m.: A man violated a restraining order, entered a -> house in the 1000 block of Laurel Avenue, took a parrot and -> threatened to kill it. Polly knows a crackhead! Polly knows a crackhead! -> Oct. 19, 12:06 p.m.: Someone thought a woman had been assaulted -> because she was bleeding from the mouth as she carried a blanket -> and walked north in the 900 block of South Garfield Street. It -> turned out to be a cold sore. Sure looked like a blanket to me. -> Nov. 15, 8:19 p.m.: A shopping cart was on the loose on Hutchins -> Street south of Kettleman Lane. ...causing ten billion dollars' worth of damage. Oh, wait, this is California. Causing ten billion dollars' worth of damage, but more importantly, harming the enviornment. -> Nov. 18, 8:12 a.m.: A man wearing a raincoat and hat was talking -> to himself at the Depot, 24 S. Sacramento St. He said he had an -> "automatic mechanism" and "has everything under control." You know, sane people don't wear enough hats. -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. -> Dec. 28, 7 a.m.: Someone complained about a rooster crowing on -> Christmas morning in the 300 block of Flora Street. Why, was he crowing the dreidel song? -- K. I'm glad I'm not a cop, so I never have to deal with loonies, jerks, and whiners. Except when I go to Sears. But at least the customers are nice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 19:16:01 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture > > > -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. > > > > > > She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. > > > > "The horror! THE HORROR!" > > See, that's funny because Kibo often refers to Seth as furniture, so > Seth is acting as if . . . oh, never mind. I won't dignify your ellipsis with a response of any sort because I'm still waiting for someone to make the obvious followup to my article about wrapping Baby Jesus in duct tape so that I can either (a) yell "HOME TAPING IS KILLING BABY JESUS!" to mock the Christian music industry or (b) post the script for a remake of "Bumfights" with an all-five-year-old cast: (ENTER KID WEARING LITTLE PLASTIC BIB WITH STEVE IRWIN'S PICTURE ON IT) KID I am the Crocodile Fighter I mean I am the Bum Fighter I mean the Crocodile Hunter I mean the Bum Hunter I'm going to start over I am the Bum Hunter I am going to wrap you in tape now! BUM Wuh? KID I am wrapping you in tape now you are getting taped up! (KID WRAPS TAPE RANDOMLY AROUND BUM TWO OR THREE TIMES) KID There now you are wearing lots of tape! OTHER KIDS Yay put more tape on him! (CONTINUES UNTIL ALL EIGHT ROLLS ARE USED UP) ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyy! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! BUM Guh... KID I will let you go and give you a guitar if you eat a frog here eat this frog so if you eat the frog you can have a guitar! OTHER KIDS Eww the frog was on the ground! KID Look he's eating the frog! MEXICAN-AMERICAN STEREOTYPE KID Mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira!!!!! ALL ENGLISH-SPEAKING KIDS That frog's dirty eeeeewwwwwwww!!! KID You have to go to the dentist now 'cause you got too many teeth in your mouth but you have to use the pliers yourself so pull all your teeth out okay! OTHER KIDS Yayyyyyyyy!!! KID IN COP UNIFORM You stop that you kids are bad you have to go to jail if you don't say you're sorry! ALL KIDS We're sorry! KID IN COP UNIFORM Yay put more tape on him! ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! So go back to the other article and post a comment about Baby Jesus and duct tape so I won't feel like I wrote that scene for no reason. -- K. Short shameful confession: Though I have not seen any of them and have no intention of seeing any of them, I did ascertain that Amazon.com sells "Bumfights" DVD volumes 1 and 3 but not 2. That must be the one that was morally wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:34:54 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm glad I'm not a cop, > > so I never have to deal > > with loonies, jerks, and > > whiners. Except when I > > go to Sears. But at least > > the customers are nice. > > Hey, now, bucko! I used to work at Sears and I assure you even the > customers are not nice. YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox Of course, this isn't a perfect test, because if you just close your eyes and circle one at random, you still have a 7/8 chance of being hired to work in the Sears tool department. If you accidentally circle "pliers", then you're forbidden to work at Sears because they can't afford to hire geniuses. You have to go put in hours at the Apple Store behind the Genius Bar with the other geniuses serving genius juice to stupid customers who broke their computers by looking at porn. Then the geniuses fix the computers by using tools such as pliers, and when they draw their pliers from their holster and hold them aloft, any passing Sears employees scream "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?" The closest any Sears employee ever came to figuring out what tools were for was when that guy threw the crescent wrench into the air and it turned into a spaceship thanks to a convenient jump-cut. But it would take several truckloads of monoliths to englighten those primordial salesapes to the point where they could tell a pair of pliers from a woxwox. Ever notice that the buttons on the cash registers are labelled in Yerkish? -- K. But yes, Paula, I was being sarcastic when I said the customers are nicer than the nitwits to whom I return broken tools. Everyone's stupid except for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:51:36 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs > > to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: > > > > furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox > > Great. Now I have an image in my head of an old-timey lift > ("aileron" to Yanquistanis) in an old-timey depratment store with > a lift attendant making announcements like on the opening titles > of "Are you being served?": > > First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, > going up... > Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and > furniture, going up... > Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and > coelocanths, going up... > [Fades into an infintely-protracted litany of ill-assorted > gombeenery, forever going up...] ERIC IDLE: Ah, the fourth floor! Now I can return my defective ant! TERRY JONES: Defective ant returns, go past the volvox and the burpo, through the slunch appraisal area, and you'll come to ant returns. ERIC IDLE: Thank you very much! (WALKS THROUGH STORE, PAST JOHN CLEESE DRESSED AS A WOMAN) JOHN CLEESE: Dainty toffee! Dainty toffee! I got dainty toffee for sale, you stinkin' git! ERIC IDLE (to ANT): Pay her no mind, we're going to get you returned and exchanged for a better ant! (CONTINUES WALKING, ENCOUNTERS TERRY JONES AGAIN) TERRY JONES: Hello sir, welcome to the crotch-kicking department. This is where you get kicked in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: What? TERRY JONES: I said, this is where you get kicked in the crotch. With a foot. ERIC IDLE: But my crotch doesn't have a foot. Also I just came in to return my ant. TERRY JONES: Well, sir, this _is_ the crotch-kicking department. You look like a nice gullible person, so I'll guide you to the _real_ ant-return department. Go past inflatable wumbles, ignore the furlax -- it's not your thing -- and over the coelocanths, and watch out, they're poisonous, then stand on one foot in the middle of the eepi department, right after you get your kick in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: No sir, I will not let you kick me in the crotch, I just came in to return my defective ant, and furthermore, I'm never returning to this department store again! (HASTILY EXITS THROUGH DOOR. ZOOM IN ON SIGN OVER DOOR: "CARTOON DEPARTMENT") (CUT-OUT CARTOON ANIMALS EAT HIM) (CUT TO TERRY JONES IN THE COELOCANTH DEPARTMENT, BEATING ONE WITH AN OAR) TERRY JONES: Down, girl! Bad coelocanth! (ENTER GRAHAM CHAPMAN, AS THE MANAGER, SMOKING A PIPE) GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Carry on, then. (PUFFS PIPE AND SPEAKS TO CAMERA) I wonder what's happening over by the volvox. (CUT TO JOHN CLEESE IN A VOLVOX COSTUME) JOHN CLEESE: I'd like to know what the price of Swedish glarno is in Oxford. (CUT TO TERRY GILLIAM AS A VIKING STANDING IN A FJORD) TERRY GILLIAM: I'd-- (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH WITH "OINK, OINK" NOISES DUBBED IN) (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING) MICHAEL PALIN: I'd just like to say that I'm not in this sketch, and you know it's an authentic Python sketch because it's all middle with no ending. KIBO: Lemon furlax? (A COW EXPLODES) -- K. I skipped dinner for this? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 23:30:14 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of > > -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. > > What other kind of noise could he make? We ARE animals. You're a man after my own baboon heart. Other people, you poke them, they say "OUCH!" or "YIKES!" or "HEY!" or "DAMN!" or some other arbitrarily-agreed-upon cluster of English phonemes. Me, I snarl. I think humans devote too much of their Big Brains to suppressing the natural animal noises their bodies want to make. You should let the animal noises out unless you believe that humans evolved from robots, not evil little organ-grinder monkeys. Big Brains need to unleash their inner animals to experience emotion in its excitingly undiluted natural form. This is why Kibologists enjoy playing pirates, because shouting "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" is a therapeutic growl. (Nobody ever told Ned Beatty, "We're gonna make you say 'OUCH!' like a human!" Though I think Animal may have said that to Miss Piggy.) > Now, if he was making printer noises, or sitting perfectly > still while ticking loudly, then I'd call the cops. On "CSI", whenever something comes out of an inkjet printer, they dub in Epson MX-80 tractor-feed noises. "Skriiiiit! EeeSkriiiiiiit! SkaSkriiiit! EeeeeeSkritSkritSkrit EeeSkriiiiiiit!" Then they look at the dot-matrix printout under an electron magnifying glass and they can see photos of the victim's DNA (in full color) between the dots on the paper. I just saw one where they recovered a pair of bloody scissors that had been wrapped in a piece of fabric for many years, so there was a V-shaped stain on the fabric, and they scanned the fabric into the computer and extrapolated a picture of a complete pair of scissors with the name of a casino etched into each blade in tiny Times Roman letters, because everyone knows that not only does a red spot on fabric contain the fine print of everything that was a few inches away, but all casinos have their own custom-manufactured scissors for guests to use to open those little lemon-flavored towlette packets. -- K. I miss the dramatic realism of "Mission: Impossible '88". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:58:16 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@nospam.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of > > > -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. > > > > What other kind of noise could he make? We ARE animals. > > I think the problem is that he was making other-animal noises. It is > (or should be) as disturbing as a cow making dolphin noises, or a > sheep making lawyer noises. You mean like when a bunny rabbit makes human baby screams because someone's crushing it? That's the second most disturbing sound in all of nature, right after Regis Philbin's voice. Third is that noise every domestic parrot makes every five minutes for the rest of its life after hearing you test the smoke alarm once. > Ja-I-move-to-file-a-motion-of-/ascendo-tuum/-mes Young man, here in my Latin class you watch your potty mouth or you get beaten with a bronze ruler. Either the two-cubit one or, if you're really naughty, the eight-centon one. -- K. #4: Frank Welker making talking-dolphin noises. #5: Frank Welker making other animal noises. #6: Everything else in the Museum Of Jurassic Technology. #7: People who base their super-scientific genius theories on something the Museum Of Jurassic Technology made up: -> From: Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@iw.net) -> Subject: actinomycetes is to Parkinsons as bacteria/fungus is to -> Prion/Alzheimers Re: fakeness of Prusiner Model -> Newsgroups: sci.med, sci.chem, sci.bio.technology -> Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 00:44:57 -0600 -> -> [...] I remembered that ants are attacked by a fungus that when -> they breathe the fungus it goes to the brain of the ant and causes the ant -> to climb the highest branch and then dies and the fungus emits thousands of -> spores to infect more ants. So if fungus find a happy medium in ant brains -> then it is easy to step into an analogy that Prion disease is a fungal -> caused disease in humans much like ants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 19:16:25 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Sept. 28, 2:41 p.m.: Hunting arrows were continuously landing in a > > -> man's back yard in the 200 block of East Century Boulevard. > > > > I wouldn't have called the police to make them stop, I would have just > > saved them and sold them back to the nitwit -- those things are expensive. > > How would you know when it was safe to go collect them? I wouldn't have been the sort of wimp who worries about stuff like that. I have armor and the temperament to wear it in public. Now, if they were arbalest bolts, I might stay inside, at least until I get myself a bigger arbalest. Trust me, if I had a back yard, nobody else would be f'ing around with it. Do you need to hire me to come over and keep the bad people from tossing their toy arrows at yours? -- K. I want a trebuchet, too, but only if I can fill it with all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls in the world. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 13:57:45 -0500 New for 2005! http://images.ibsys.com/2004/1206/3974007.jpg (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/3974007.jpg in case they take it away) From left to right, I present: The Toyota Toiletera! The Toyota Renfestia! And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! You know, it's often said that fashion designers hate women. I think automobile designers hate humans. Would any of these three silly-ass full-size toy cars survive a collision with, say, a low-flying pigeon? -- K. How come the dork on the left doesn't get an awesomely cool costume like the other two dorks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 23:51:31 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > In the future, even when vehicles become tiny and plastic, they > will still have a model that says, "I wish I had a giant penis." Yeah, but it'll say it at the push of a button, in James Earl Jones's voice. "BEEP! BEEP! I AM BACKING UP! I WISH I HAD A GIANT PENIS! THIS IS JAMES EARL JONES, SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF THE DRIVER, WHO HAS ALMOST NO PENIS!" Also it'll be shaped like the Death Star and it'll move by rolling around and crushing the other cars. -- K. I'd want one of those if only my penis wasn't so damn big. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 23:44:41 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Yeah, yeah, and I'm on the step before written warning at work because they > have STILL not managed to process my availability change so that I'm legally > not there on Wednesdays so that I can keep my sanity and keep working at the > job. I'm not too worried about that NEITHER. What if you weren't there when you were there, but only on days when you were there when you weren't there, unless it was dark on Tuesday, in which case the person to your left is neither there nor not there but is in a state of quantum flux where they're as insubstantial as the plot of a pinball machine? How much of your paycheck would you mail to me each week then? And can I have your autograph, Captain Nil? > Dave "they noticed me? How COULD that have HAPPENED?" DeLaney Try dyeing your hair fluorescent orange. Then they'll have to put a lot of work into ignoring you. -- K. I think this week I'll start lighting weights. WITH MY MIND! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 02:17:29 -0500 I just wrote: > > I think this week I'll > start lighting weights. > > WITH MY MIND! I apologize for the way sometimes my Freudian slips are cuter than anything anyone else ever says intentionally. I'm just that brilliant. Obviously I want to lift weights, though I wouldn't mind having a pyrokinetic laserbrain. Especially whenever I'm on the subway. -- K. So what brand of steroids are the safest? Just kidding, I don't want muscles that badly. I'm just going to keep drinking hot sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:13:58 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > Actually, now that I look again at the photo, I see that the > Giant Codpiece model (on the left) has some features on the > codpiece that resemble a squarish smiley face. They had another model that had a giant penis where its head should have been, but David Cronenberg drove off in it while Roger Corman wished he could have done that. And when he parked it Roger Daltrey sat on it. And rotated. He got stuck up there until Takashi Miike came along and cut him free in close-up. And then Stanley Kubrick showed up and just stared at it for so long that Andy Warhol started tapping his foot impatiently. Then Peter Greenaway crazy-glued snails to it but David Cronenberg made each of them turn into another penis and the cycle began anew. > Just in case people don't realize that the giant mass extending > from the crotch of the anthropomorphic robot is supposed to > represent the driver's exaggerated loins, they expicitly label it > as "Mr. Happy." Using an ideogram, for people who don't read English. *Ahem* this is the Internet, they're called "emoticons". Around here, ideograms only come in three flavors: Smileys, frowneys, and winky-winkys. Maybe if you used your special crayon to draw in the missing details of the robot's crotch it could be a Winky Dink. And then you would be having the fun. Because if you don't do it you will not be having the fun. And now, here's Tony Clifton beating up the Muppets! Or is it the Monkees? Who cares, let's just enjoy it. > They also have no bumper protecting this giant penile front fender, > which protudes so much that it pretty much guarantees the driver is > going to plow it into everything. Never mind that. Write me a Stanley Kubrick movie in which Tony Clifton plays Winky Dink. -- K. "Oh no, Winky is trapped inside your 1950s TV screen! Kids, get a sledgehammer to let him out!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 16:40:27 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > http://images.ibsys.com/2004/1206/3974007.jpg > > (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/3974007.jpg ) > > > > From left to right, I present: > > > > The Toyota Toiletera! > > I really hope the four sections allow the "driver" to latch onto things. > That or they seal up, so that he can burst forward from his vehicle like a > face hugger in the event of an accident. So, you want it to have an ejector seat powered by a coiled-up H.R. Giger-designed goopy biomechanical spine covered in coccyxes each of which is covered with teeth dripping with okra slime? I think they were going for more of a Sorayama look than a Giger look, though if any of their drivers is caught sucking on a tube of oil paint we can throw in Stanislaw Fernandes too. Also at least one of them should be standing with their face behind a giant hovering apple in front of some zero-gravity blobs of marshmallow Fluff because Magritte and Tanguy are so cool. > > The Toyota Renfestia! > > I dunno, this looks more like it's supposed to be the Caterpillar from > Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" Is he sucking on a hookah? There does > appear to be something in his mouth. That's just glare from his salad-bar-style sneeze guard. A side view: http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20041203/i/r3369296797.jpg (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/120304toyotaconcept4.jpg ) > Love the frosting on the kneepads. Maybe he was trying to put it on his boots in order to encourage those prostrating themselves before his giant robo-throne to lick a little harder. > > And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! > > More like TWO Tronfanboymobiles smashed into one. It can turn into two independent lightcycles, and in addition, just like any other Japanese car, it can turn into a giant killer robot, but just like any other Japanese transforming robot, the operator gets pulped in the process because there's always that stage where you have to shove the robot's head down to turn it back into a car with no robot head on top. > Also, are those hubcaps made from giant iMac mice? As to why the wheels have Pac-Man hubcaps, science will never be able to explain why the Japanese are unduly aroused by the sight of Pac-Man. > Plus, those glowing things near the front wheels (I'm guessing > they're supposed to be headlights) look like they're supposed > to spray sparklers all over Gene Barry. Can't a week go by without me needing to declare something new the GAYEST MARTIAN INVASION EVER? -- K. Men are from Mars, gay Martians are from Japan. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 17:16:33 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, you want it to have an ejector seat powered by a coiled-up > > H.R. Giger-designed goopy biomechanical spine covered in coccyxes each > > of which is covered with teeth dripping with okra slime? > > Well sure... it would grab people's attention at least, which is what all > silly new vehicles at car shows are supposed to do. That can't be true, because (a) people ignored the last few "Alien" movies, especially the one based on the comic book based on the old Atari game, and (b) if the cars themselves were supposed to be the focus of attention, why would they need to have guys dressed as Glittery Space Knights With Poofy Pink Manes You Can Comb standing next to them? Also, most people don't seem to like okra slime. If they did, McDonalds would start selling a ruined version of it made from fish eyeballs and fish earwax. Aren't you glad Toyota doesn't own any hamburger restaurants? Brr. -- K. Change the Space Knight from silver with a pink plume to shiny black with a maroon plume and I'll buy one of the cars if he's included. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 16:18:45 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > From left to right, I present: > > > > The Toyota Toiletera! > > > > The Toyota Renfestia! > > > > And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! > > Oh, but it gets WORSE. They're gonna put on a SHOW! > > > > "The Main Show, titled 'MOVE, LIVE,' will feature a theme of > 'In Movement is Freedom. In Movement is Life.' Single passenger > 'i-unit' concept vehicles and a mountable, walking 'i-foot' robot > will join with dancers in a 'mobility performance' that will > introduce the concepts of "The Wonders of Living and Moving > Freely' and 'The New Relationship Between People and Vehicles.' > A 360-degree large screen will surround the audience and actors, > and, together with other stage equipment, present the audience > with scenes of nature and tomorrow's society." Yeah, I saw that, complete with tacky artist's conception of what would happen if the cast of "Tron" attempted to re-enact the "Carousel" scene from "Logan's Run" while singing a number from "Carousel". It's a world of butterflies and rainbows and silk and people hanging by their unitards. The research I did in preparing my scholarly report on the Toyota Toiletrolley also turned up a gallery of photos from the trade show, including a good look at the costumes of the Glitter Knight and his sister, Glitter Buffy (Glitter Mr. French sold separately): http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=events/tc/120304toyotaconcept&a=&tmpl=sl&ns=&l=1&e=5 (mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/120304toyotaconcept5.jpg ) > [...] > More details about the i-foot here: > > > > [Preceded by a description of the music playing robots along with > a, uh, 'DJ Robot' '...currently under development as a robot that > communicates with people, will appear on stage as a DJ, carrying > on a dialogue with the emcee.' > > Yeah, there are too many DJs toiling thanklessly in hot, dark clubs, > all too often crippled or killed by fog or soap suds. Their dealers > wailing and rending their garments at yet another senseless loss. Last night, in my local hot, dark club, there was a power failure (circa 3am), and I was quite happy that it made the annoying music go away. The power failure also made things less dark (the emergency lighting was considerably brighter than the regular lighting, normally about the only light source in the place is the video poker machine everyone ignores.) I dislike club DJs because they seem to think that the main function of a DJ is to turn up that volume knob as high as it'll go to prevent all conversation. There's not much point to paying someone just to drop the needle on CDs and death-grip that volume knob. Why not just save money and let the bartender be the one who pushes "play" on the CD player? I bet the bartenders would have better taste (and know the club's clientele's taste better) than most DJs, too. > Not to mention the fundamental misinterpretation of the concept > of a DJ. Sounds more like a robotic Jeff Altman or Mie or Kei or... > Who was the emcee on that show?] Jeff Altman. The only good thing I can say about that show is that it made it clear that under the right circumstances, Jim Varney could be the funniest one in an ensemble cast. When Jim Varney's your standout performer, you know your cast sucks. On the other hand, either Mie or Kei was cute from certain camera angles, but I've forgotten which of the gals and which camera angles. The only song they ever did that didn't make my ears bleed was the time they sang their big Japanese-language hit, "Monster" (with Robby the Robot!) because all their attempts at singing in English were, to put it tactfully, more awkward than Sid Krofft after being served a plate of raw veal. Almost as awkward as Mie's and Kei's faces during the scenes where they had to get into a hot tub with Jeff Altman. > All this is happening at EXPO 2005, where they will be implementing: > > 'Robot Project: We Live in the Robot Age > An Opportunity to Encounter Diverse Robots' > > [NO ROBOT BUSSING! NO ROBOT BUSSING! NO ROBOT BUSSING!] > > > > 'Five types of robots will be working at the Expo: > > * Sanitation robots will clean exterior floors and collect and > replace garbage bins; > * Security robots enable remote surveillance, can detect fire, > and give simple directions; > * Guide robots will guide visitors in four languages; > * Child-care robots will play and talk with children; > * Next-generation wheelchair robots will transport visitors, > avoiding obstacles.' > > I'm afraid I'm not compentent enough to give this the commentary it > deserves. Other types of robots they should have at trade shows: * Pretzel robots that can sell pretzels, and answer limited questions about mustard and guide visitors to the relish tray. * Hand-stamping robots that will stamp visitors' hands. (They will be twenty feet tall so they can raise their boots high enough.) * Public relations drones that can tell us how awesome all the other drones are, and answer limited questions about whether the awesometasticness of Toyota cars is indeed awesometastic. * Prostibots for the visiting corporate purchasing executives. * And one Stanislaw Lembot (translated by the Michael Kandelbot) to make up words like "prostibots", as well as suppressing all mention of wurches and zits. -- K. BENDER IS SO GREAT ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 14:54:29 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come the dork on > > the left doesn't get > > an awesomely cool > > costume like the > > other two dorks? > > Left = Urinal > Center = Toilet > Right = Pool toy Yes, I know the costumes are ridiculous, but what do you think the _cars_ look like? Also, shouldn't you be busy curing Alzheimer's? After all, you are a better beta-amyloid aggregation inhibitor than either Tylenol or Nuprin according to the Journal of Biological Chemistry. -- K. Those of you who don't like Indian food are not only all going to die of Alzheimer's, but also you're already half-dead if you don't know the joy of a really zippy curry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Foods some reporter thinks are too unpretentious Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 19:09:28 -0500 [www.latimes.com] -> -> This year's food and drink Hall of Shame -> -> By Valli Herman -> Times Staff Writer -> December 29, 2004 -> -> Creativity should be applauded. But sometimes heckling seems more -> appropriate. 2004 was a year that spawned hundreds of ridiculous -> new food and drink products and ideas, from the low carb to the -> highly questionable. It was difficult to choose, but here are the -> worst offenders. -> -> Jalape–o peanut butter in a tube: Who could resist? PB n' Go -> portable peanut butter comes in two other disgusting flavors, -> Cinnamon Surprise and Carmel-Caramel crunch. This must make Mr. -> Peanut sad. What's wrong with jalape–o plus peanut butter? And the tube just sweetens the deal because you can squeeze it right into your mouth. But the Camel-Caramel one does sound gross, as does any food product whose name ends with "Surprise". -> Blue 'Jell-O' shots: "Gather a group of fun, adventurous adults," -> says the bottle, "place them in a happening social scene" and feed -> them gelatinous alcohol. Wet Willy's Edible Drink is a batch of -> 24-proof, single-serving "adult gelatin cocktails" that you chill -> to turn into bright-yellow or screaming-blue wiggly booze cubes. -> Sure to be a hit at your next tailgate party or hazing ritual. I've never understood why a lot of people think blue Jell-O and Kool-Aid and Gatorade are gross compared to the other flavors. It's not as if the others are extracted directly from organic tea leaves. -> The un-gin: If you like gin but hate juniper, drink vodka. Or pick -> up a bottle of Damrak gin. Its makers have tweaked the recipe, -> amplifying the flavors of lemon, orange and coriander and cutting -> back the juniper, the thing that makes gin gin. No surprise that -> they're selling it as "the new vodka." I know nothing about such beverages. I think jalape–o peanut butter should be the new vodka. -> Pet food that you'll love to eat too: Liv-a-Littles dog treats are -> made with ingredients approved for human consumption, says the -> news release, as "a low-carb snack that you and your pup can chew -> on." At last, dog breath can be yours. And only $8.99 for 3 -> ounces. Do they come in bacon? I like bacon. And so does the imaginary dog I'd tell the supermarket clerk I'd be buying these for. -> Hummus also-ran: At the Kosherfest trade show in October, -> Mediterranean food-maker Sabra hired a professional sand sculptor -> to mold busts of Sen. John Kerry and President Bush entirely out -> of hummus. OK, but can you make Rumsfeld out of baba ghanouj? Forget hummus -- the real Senator Kerry's face is actually made of humus. -> Strawberry daiquiri-to-go: Lt. Blender's Strawberry Daiquiri in a -> Bag directs you to pour in booze to the line indicated, shake to -> mix it up with the powdered fruity stuff in there, add water, -> freeze and squeeze yourself some alcoholic slush. It's like Good -> Seasons salad dressing mix for the frozen-margarita set, packaged -> up in a garish plastic bota bag. What's a "bota bag"? Is that like an enema bag except endorsed by the American Amateur Bartender Association as safe for mixing pink stuff in? -> Designer ice: Now we know why Tom Ford left Gucci, the Italian -> fashion house he once helped resurrect from death-by-logo-overexposure: -> Gucci ice cube trays. The $60 set of two rubber trays pops out G-logo -> ice -- the perfect thing to chill down the un-gin. I'll buy some of these letter-shaped ice cube trays if I ever plan to throw a party so boring that guests will be reading their ice cubes. -> Herb paste in a tube: Tired of that fresh taste of just-snipped -> herbs? Try Gourmet Garden lemon grass herb blend in a tube. -> Augmented with sunflower oil, dextrose, whey, sodium lactate, -> glycerin, fructose, lactose, salt, sodium ascorbate, citric acid -> and xanthan gum, it nevertheless "must be kept refrigerated," -> according to the label. That's nothing. Tom's Of Maine makes a ginger-flavored toothpaste, and, more bizarrely, a fennel-flavored toothpaste. Apparently there is no such thing as natural wintergreen or peppermint oil. The cosmetics and toiletry section of natural-food stores is just the place to be if you're the sort of person who says, "MMM, MYRRH!" Me, I want jalape–o toothpaste, or better yet, habanero. -> Slow Cooker Helper pot roast flavor: Just "add beef roast." -> "Real vegetables included." Need we say more? I demand fake vegetables. They'd be like real vegetables but I wouldn't have to inspect them for rotten spots or bugs. They'd probably taste at leaat as good as those cubes of orange and green kitchen sponges they were always eating on "Star Trek". -- K. Mmm, bug-free spongetti. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foods some reporter thinks are too unpretentious Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 15:45:03 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Me, I want jalape–o toothpaste, or better yet, habanero. > > > > But what about curry toothpaste? Not only will it stop cavities and > > prevent enamel loss if you get radiation poisoning, but some studies > > show that curry toothpaste can grow new teeth! > > > > Of course, your mouth will be filled with tiny doots since