From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:00:58 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure it'll all be okay once you figure out what you really need. > > I REALLY NEED A GIRLFRIEND. > > GIRL AS IN FEMALE, NOT KIBO DRESSED IN A SKIRT. a) I don't cross-dress; b) If I ever met you, you wouldn't have time to see what I was wearing, because I'd be too busy gay-bashing you, you homophobic homo; c) And sorry, I only date tough guys. If you own Barbara Streisand "action figures", own anything fuschia or mauve, make your own glitter, or sell comic books at a flea market, you're not man enough. It's okay if you want to be a nancy boy, it's just that that's an entirely different segment of the gay community than the one I'm in. (You never see my people because we're all at the _good_ flea market.) Have you considered buying yourself an inflatable doll? You could dress her up like Wonder Woman. And maybe she'd be the same size as you so you could share clothes! Now, as to what you _really_ need... -- K. The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 16:39:22 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, as to what you _really_ need... > > > > -- K. > > > > The word "permawedgie" comes to mind... > > So your giving in and letting him wear the tights? Hey, he can wear whatever he wants when you take him to the Renaissance Festival. By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > That is so unfair when there are other people that deserve them better. It's not as if there's only one permawedgie in the world. Just look at Andy Rooney -- he's been sitting on one for fifty years. And then there was Jack Webb. The man was the very definition of "eight simultaneous permawedgies." He had 'em, he gave 'em, Harry Morgan nodded approvingly. It's what Webb did. Permawedgies for justice. -- K. I wish I could go back in time so I could get trapped in an elevator with Jack Webb long enough to make him cry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Revenge is mine Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 17:25:42 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, Fireknight (assuming that is your real name), if your > > ren-faire outfit is a suit of leather armor with bright orange > > flames on it, I'm gonna have to joust you over stealing my look. > > No . . . . sadly . . . . not stealing your look. Just a nickname I > picked up. I believe it has something to do with videogames and being > on fire. Cool! Just be careful when you take Lots42 to that Renaissance Flea Festival Market, 'cause he'll keep thinking every time he says you're "flaming" is the first time he's said that. Doesn't MSA sell a "FireKnight" brand firefighters' helmet, too? You could be a Renaissance fireman and Lots42 could be a gay pirate flea and together you could confuse people as to what century it is and whether the building's on fire and whether Lots42 is some sort of cootie. -- K. The MSA helmets come in red, black, white, yellow, and blue. What sort of sissy fireman would want blue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 12:45:41 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? Dec. 28, 2004. > > Here is some information from some people who claim to talk to > Him. This is chann-led material, so be careful. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > Subject: A message from Je--s Christ to all who call themselves > Chr-stians > I AM indeed the living J--us Christ, and I deliver this message > through the Living Word that I AM. I know many will doubt that it > is truly I, the real Jes--, who is speaking. I don't know why people think "Wheel Of Fortune" is an intellectually- challenging show. I mean, it makes "Match Game" look like... um... what a smart TV show would be if there ever had been any of them. > [...] > Why do you think I said: And thou shalt love the Lord thy G-d > with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, > and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. (M-rk 12:30) It's also the only commandment to use the word "shazbot". I prefer the eleventy-seventh commandment, which mentions the word "sil": "Thou shalt not say 'sil'." Note that the use/mention distinction is a source of profound schisms in all major religions that worry about whether it's okay to say obscene nonsense words like "sil". -- K. -> The Ten Commandments were made for man alone. We should think it -> strange if they had been made for all the animals. -> -> We should say "Thou shalt not kill" is too general, too sweeping. -> It includes the field mouse and the butterfly. They can't kill. -> And it includes the tiger, which can't help it. -> -> It is a case of Temperament and Circumstance again. You can -> arrange no circumstances that can move the field mouse and the -> butterfly to kill; their temperaments will ill keep them -> unaffected by temptations to kill, they can avoid that crime -> without an effort. But it isn't so with the tiger. Throw a lamb in -> his way when he is hungry, and his temperament will compel him to -> kill it. -> -> Butterflies and field mice are common among men; they can't kill, -> their temperaments make it impossible. There are tigers among men, -> also. Their temperaments move them to violence, and when -> Circumstance furnishes the opportunity and the powerful motive, -> they kill. They can't help it. -> -> -- Mark Twain ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:05:13 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) said: > > > > Subject: If He Could Talk To Us What Would He Say? > > "Stop fucking up my Word with hyphens or I'll write the frequency of > your tinfoil hat on every restroom wall in my Kingdom." I think he'd just complain that the Bible is boring and preachy. Now, those Harry Potter books, they've got zazz! And they're educational too -- even an eight-year-old can learn how to do black magic! You know, there are only two words that always have to be printed in all capitals for no reason. They are "LORD" in the Bible and "FORTRAN" everywhere else. Make of this what you will, nerds. -- K. If Jesus were alive today, he'd communicate with us through public-service announcements between "Seinfeld" reruns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041226b. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:00:52 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > GM's Red Tag sale commercial. > > It features a man in a red tag suit being bullied by a father who was > unable to stand in line long enough for his sub teen son (doing weird > things with his lips) to see Santa. Father insists that RedTagMan allow > son to sit on his lap. Cut to son doing weird things with his tongue. > RedTagMan acquiesces. Cut to son doing more weird things with his mouth. > Son walks toward RedTagMan. Cut to line of sub teen males standing in > front of beleaguered RedTagMan. > > Matthew (Is GM a member of NAMBLA?) I don't know, but the guy in that suit seems to be one of those "We Couldn't Afford Andy Richter" guys who are so common in commercials aimed at Regular Joe Six-Pack. And I've never considered Andy Richter a regular guy -- he's too funny to be normal. I'm going to stop thinking of Red Tag Guy as being not quite Andy Richter and start thinking of him as not quite Michael Moore. The subtext of this commercial which always bothers me (during the 3 times I've seen it, and the 90,000 times I've TiVoed over it this week) is that the kid's father is super-pushy and obnoxious as he demands that his kid sit in Red Tag Man's lap because there's too many kids waiting for Santa. The implications: a. Santa's goons are even tougher than this jerk. b. Children are morons who don't care whose lap they sit on. c. We should buy a Hummer because we saw a TV commercial with a guy dressed as a red foam-rubber pentagon. d. We should forget about Santa Claus and pledge allegiance to General Motors. -- K. Why did jerk dad bring his son to an auto dealership to see Santa? It's a lot easier to find a Santa in a big department store or the local homeless shelter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 13:13:34 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Hey, Kibo, I think Lots42 is getting ready to come out of the closet. > > No, you idiot, I was saying that I was an honest man available for women > to sexxor. As if your attitude going to make Barbara jump on you. Lots, trust me, nice women like Barbara will only like you if you do two things: (a) don't call them idiots when they're being perceptive, and (b) tell them you've turned gay. The latter makes women hot for you. All women. It's automatic. You'll find out someday. Until then, stop calling people idiots just for knowing that you'll someday resolve your latent issues. -- K. Women don't really care about honesty, especially from a liar like you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diogenes and Archimedes Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 14:43:12 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Look, if you're not a hot woman go away Being very fussy about which women you would sleep with puts you five minutes from gay. No real man cares what sort of woman he sleeps with -- if they did, men would voluntarily go grocery shopping just to get more of those brown paper bags. -- K. Wave to brunch, Lots, before the parade passes you by. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: intellectual icon Susan Sontag dead at 71 Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:07:28 -0500 Okay, so which of you killed her? (I'm looking at you, Peter.) She was famous for four things: 1. Having hair that was not only impervious to bullets but also a striking work of graphic art. Very few people have the ability to pull off a high-contrast Soviet Constructivist perma-helmet. 2. She hosted "Alive From Off Center", a PBS series which actually showed pointless performance art on broadcast television -- those magnificent bastards! 3. The 1964 essay "Notes On Camp", which probably inspired some crazy intellectual hipsters to make a little TV show called "Batman" to help the American viewing public understand that the word "camp" had been borrowed from the gay community to refer to the enjoyment of pop culture in a sarcastic vein. 4. The essay "Against Interpretation", which was clearly against interpretation, and if you have any idea that it means anything else, her hair'll kill you. -- K. Is my hair startling enough to make me an intellectual icon too? Or do I also have to say white people are evil? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 14:12:04 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I realize that this is very uninteresting news, but I'm kind of bored > at the moment, and figure it is only fair that everyone else ought to > be also. You're my type of person. If we combine your power to bore with my power to bore, we'd be a horrendous force to be reckoned with! Almost the equal of Andy Rooney! So who should we crush with our powers of Contagious Boredom? Who should be more bored than they are? Well, everybody should, but who should _most_ be forced to suffer boredom? QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! nanananananananananaBO-RING! nananananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) -- K. I am having fun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Bought (Did Not Shoplift) A Baritone Ukulele Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 19:11:14 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > QUICK, TERRI, TO THE TEDIUMOBILE!!! > > And once there, we shall perform the 99-point safety check. Making > sure the tire pressure is OK and that all fluids are topped up should > take us to the next commerical break. Oh, Terri, you're getting me all hot'n'bothered. Can I hold your clipboard? > > > > nananananananananaBO-RING! nanananananananaBO-RING! (repeats 5000 times) > > You got it, Ponch. If you think the Ponch episodes are boring, wait until you get to the ones with Bruce Jenner and Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy. Sure, Bruce Jenner's previous pairing -- partnered with Steve Guttenberg in "Can't Stop The Music" -- may have radiated lethally low levels of intensity, but Bruce Jenner with Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy achieves a level beyond lethal, especially when they add Replacement Blond Whitebread Guy's Cadet Nephew into the already labored and tedious mix. So if that show had stayed on the air another ten years, who would have eventually replaced Bruce Jenner and Mr. Bland Blond and Junior Teen Cadet? Would they have eventually reached some level of insipidity that not even disco-dancing, para-sailing motorcycle cops could surpass as they boogied down the highway on their way to rendezvous with a celebrity cameo by Ed McMahon, Dr. Joyce Brothers, or H.R. Freakin' Pufnstuf? -- K. Remember the episode where you couldn't buy the dramatic reality of the Satan-worshipping punk rocker played by Donnie Most? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:59:53 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > DECEMBER 31! [...] > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. First n people to show > up and identify themselves as kibologists can get in free with my folks's > membership card; also, the first 500 people with First Night buttons at > the museum get in free. > > I suppose you can email me for more information, though I don't think > there is much more. So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? Salt crystal? T station?) By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. -- K. I keep thinking I should print up some decals with better explanations of the exhibits. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:23:18 -0500 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@theworld.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking > > > garage? Salt crystal? T station?) > > > > Lobby, I suppose. > > Weather permitting, we should all meet in front of the T-Rex out on > the sidewalk. Because, PHOTO-OP. Supposedly there's a good chance of it coldraining on Friday morning. I say we stick with the lobby. We can have a photo op in front of the newer, better T-Rex inside, or go outside briefly to photograph the half of the old T-Rex that's escaping the museum. Plus the lobby will be more fun for those of us who enjoy acting like suspicious characters. Inside, we can glower at the tourists. Outside, the tourists would just ignore us and park rangers would hassle us. (Yes, I've had park rangers grill me when I was waiting outside to meet someone. I didn't even know that Science Park was a real enough park to have actual Hanna-Barbera style rangers patrolling it. I think they're afraid of Al-Qaeda blowing up the museum to kill all the dinosaurs.) -- K. If you see me being hassled by a park ranger, go ahead and yell something about a missing pic-a-nic basket to get him to turn around. Then I can get him in a half-nelson and take him inside to use the big Van de Graaf generator to taze him good. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:12:44 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, are there any specifics as to where to meet? (Lobby? Parking garage? > > Salt crystal? T station?) > > Lobby, I suppose. We'll be the group loitering around looking suspicious > and wondering how long it'll take before they kick us out. Dude, I'm in that group 24 hours a day, even when I'm by myself. I'll be the only guy in the lobby with black leather and orange hair and more black leather and I'll be somewhere between 6'2" and 7'15" (inclusive). > Also, with the highest per-capita amount of scarf. I have no scarf. I will be wearing one of my black ski masks and wearing big leather gloves that have little storage compartments from which other, nylon gloves can undock in situations where I might need to keep my primary gloves from getting wet. Man, I love any excuse for clothing to have extra zippers. I also like how modern ski masks are compatible with nose rings. I don't know why you have to say "balaclava" instead of "ski mask" these days. It always makes me think you're talking about covering someone's head with flaky, flaky pastry, and that shouldn't happen outside dandruff commercials. > > By the way, it might be wise to inform people that the Green Line trains > > aren't running to Science Park these days (they go to Government Center, > > from there you can get a shuttle bus to Science Park.) Hopefully someone > > will inform people about that, since I don't want to have to do it. > > See above, in bright red and green letters of fire. Basically's, youse rides the Green Line to Gummit Cenna, youse gets up the escalators and goes to the yellow "FREE TRANSFER" machines to's your left and pushes the button to get's youse ticket. Then youse rides the bus for free else you pays five quarters. Bus lets youse off's somewhere near a highway innersection near Science Park and youse follows the nerds on foot. > > Should I bring anything in particular? None of my Tesla coils is as > > big as the Museum's, though I suppose I could find a box of frozen > > rancid grease that would be better than anything in their cafeteria. > > How about a mini-golf club for the kinetic scuplture? Don't have one of those. The only sporting goods I have are hockey stuff, unless motorcycle and rodeo and dressage count as sports, which I suppose they don't because they're not violent like hockey and mini-golf. Oh, and I got swords and armor too, but gladiation probably doesn't count as a sport either because it's only 90% as violent as hockey. I'm still tempted to bring along a big medieval-style jar of vitriol to see if I can etch the giant salt crystal down to an easier-to-swallow size. Neither "The 'Science' Of 'Star Wars'" nor "The 'Science' Of The 'Magic' Of 'The Lord Of The Rings'" is currently on exhibit, so I won't bring either a glowing or non-glowing sword. The current temporary exhibit is "Strange Matter" (from Toronto), featuring ten "interactive Experience Pods" where you can actually stick your hands into a glove box to make mud pies out of futuristic goop. The exhibit halls are open to 9pm. The big lightning show ("Electricity!") is at 12:00, 2:00, 4:00, and 7:00. "Battle Of The Currents" -- which is completely different and much more Kibological because it just consists of a one-man show about a guy obsessed with making everyone in the world respect the genius of Nikola Tesla -- is at 1:15 and 3:15. Neither is to be missed if you like watching lethal voltages. I think the Dippin' Dots vending machine is still there, but I don't know whether it's still advertising that it's running "* * * BETA * * *" firmware. -- K. I used to be good at mini-golf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 04:04:39 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > off my hangover until 3 PM. Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum to see what I can break. The secret is to get out of bed whenever the hell you need to get out of bed and not let your body complain about anything 'cause you're the boss of it -- and if you're not going to bother being the boss of your own body, tough shit, because then L.Ron Hubbard will be the boss of your body. He called dibs on people like you, and if you can't even fight off a hangover, you're no match for L.Ron. Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. -- K. "Pain is weakness leaving the body." -- US Marine Corps "Tiredness is everything else leaving the body." -- me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 01:58:06 -0500 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 > > a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe > > I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum > > to see what I can break. > > Clubbing? Perky? Did you become a teenage girl over the holidays or > something? I may have been using the adjective facetiously, like when I call Stacia or Lots42 "Dude". I may have been using the gerund as a double-entendre. I may have been using various household objects as clubs. I may own an anvil. Dude! > > Be there or be square, you lazy rectangle. > > At 11AM on 12/31/04 I was contorted into a pretzel-like shape behind an > equipment rack trying to shove a WIC-DSU1-56K4 card into the interface > slot of a Cisco 2610 router. With shaky hands. Now, "router" is another double-entendre, right? At about that time I was getting a long lecture from an ex-professor whose only outlet for his anger was to take a job at the science museum standing in front of the lightning machine making us all listen to him loudly telling everyone that "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" IS NOT SCIENCE!!! IT'S SCIENCE FICTION! YOU CANNOT MIX SCIENCE WITH ANYTHING, SCIENCE IS SCIENCE! FOOD SCIENCE IS NOT SCIENCE! SCIENCE DIET IS NOT SCIENCE! I had the urge to yell back, "And SCIENCE MUSEUM is not SCIENCE! Less yappin', more zappin'! We came to see stuff blow up, not to see you blow up!" He was emphatic that we should never listen to authority (especially the other demonstrators at the museum) except we should all read Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World". Then after twenty or thirty minutes of ranting he switched on the lightning machine for a minute, after warning us a couple times that it would be extremely loud -- as loud as a jet engine -- "forty-five decibels". Um... I gotta remember never to listen to authority, just like he told me to. (Forty-five decibels is off by a few bazillion orders of magnitude, he must have meant a hundred and forty-five or more. Forty-five is about how loud your refrigerator is when it's brand new. The lightning machine is more like having a gun fired in your ear until you go insane and start ranting about how Carl Sagan is more educational that J.R.R. Tolkien even though they were both total stoners.) > k., and without lubricant You should try Fabio's new That's Not Lube. He uses it to keep his chest from chafing when his boobs rub together. -- K. That science museum now has _two_ of R2-D2. That makes the museum twice as educational as "Star Wars". Also the museum still has that dinosaur who was clearly plagiarized from Jar Jar. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 15:35:12 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > Also, Joe Manfre would be happy that some guy was standing outside the > museum shop, shooting people with an Airzooka. He was shooting it at > everyone who walked by, except Kibo. I think he was expecting me to yell, "Hey! You got your AIR all over my LEATHER!" and the pummeling would commence while I further complained, "And BOTH Dippin' Dots machines are out of order, even though only one of them is still openly advertising that it's running a 1998 beta version of its firmware!" > > (Forty-five decibels is off by a few bazillion orders of magnitude, > > he must have meant a hundred and forty-five or more. > > Yeah, and he said forty-five TWICE. It wasn't, like, a SLIP OF THE > TONGUE or something. Also, it was probably 145dB at the source of the > sound, but it was up about a zillion feet in the air...it was probably > only 100 or 110 where we were sitting. Eh, I'd say it was at least 145 where some parts of the audience were (upstairs), that thing is pretty damn loud. It's comparable to a gun being fired in your face if you're upstairs. Downstairs, yes, it is more like hearing a whip crack twelve feet away, but upstairs the whip is cracking inside your ear canal. Gotta be more than 145, but for only a fraction of a second. I think next time we go, we should bring a decibel meter. Also we should ask the guy how come nobody ever uses whole bels. > > That science museum > > now has _two_ of R2-D2. > > Yeah. One of which you're allowed to photograph, and one you're not. > Which I totally don't get. But whatever. And they're the only things at the museum I don't already have one of at home. I've got Tesla coils, some burning bacon, a stack of Big Dig propaganda, a suit of chain mail, dead bugs, many broken computers, an infrared camera, a catalog with photos of chairs, and a Jar Jar doll. Actually, there is one other thing I don't have: A lousy greasy overpriced cafeteria where people can pay to pretend they're back in second grade eating those drippy swillburgers. Ecch. -- K. TVs should have little decibel meters on them to help us figure out which sitcom has the loudest, and therefore funniest, laugh track. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:49:07 -0500 Last night, I wrote: > > Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > Boston ARKPLE at the Museum of Science. 11:00 am. > > > > 11:00 AM? That's like...in the morning and shit. Are people > > actually doing stuff at 11:00 AM? Damn, I usually don't shake > > off my hangover until 3 PM. > > Wimp. I just got back from clubbing and I still have to call Lots42 > a sissy six more times before I go to bed and you better believe > I'll still be this perky a few hours from now when I go to the museum > to see what I can break. Hokay, I got out of bed at the appointed time, went to the gathering at the Museum of Science, and then I went home and watched TV, took a 90-minute nap, then went back to the club for the New Year's party, which had a $15 cover charge because they were serving dinner, which consisted of rolls, rolls, rolls, croissants, and rolls -- said Continental breakfast buffet being unveiled circa 1:15am (last call in Boston is at 2:00, though on New Year's this club stays open 'til 4.) Between 2 and 4 there were a lot of surly drunken people staring at the rolls wishing they could get booze or at least anything other than rolls after having paid $15 for access to the roll bar. (I don't drink alcohol, but I should've thought to bring a bottle of hot sauce so I could get drunk off it from 2 to 4 just to annoy all the liquor drunks.) Anyway, I got home at 4:30am, and I'm still quite perky, although my ability to spell is undoubtedly suffering. Anyway, I defy anyone to prove they can stay perky longer than me. By the way, what does "perky" mean? -- K. You know, I've never had a hangover. This is because I am a fine moral example, with no vices. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: monster arkple Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 14:37:17 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > You know, I've never had a hangover. This is because > > > I am a fine moral example, with no vices. > > > > Not even a set of thumbscrews or nipple clamps? I find that difficult > > to believe. > > Those are DEvices, which are the opposite of vices. Exactly. Vices are deviant, therefore devices are viant. Also, if Darth Vader married Ella Fitzgerald, she'd be Very Unhappy. In the news today, it was reported that curry (specifically, curcumin, one of the active ingredients in turmeric) is a more effective anti- Alzheimer's treatment than any actual medications. This is in addition to recent reports that curry also cures cancer and protects you from radiation. Oh, and of course, everyone knows that hot pepper is a natural antibiotic. So, my question is, if curry is so awesome, how come I can't get a hangover the day after I get high from it? -- K. And they're not thumbSCREWS, because I only have ones with a ratchet mechanism. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing commercial #20041228a. Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 23:45:33 -0500 McDonald's, not content with targeting 99% of their commercials at black guys, is now targeting the remaining 1% at Latino guys. (I'm not counting the ones for kids, where the clown is always surrounded by an ethnically-correct mix of three children representing all three ethnicities of Earth.) I just saw one featuring a Mexican wrestler. He sits down, still wearing his mask, and is about to eat his "Double Q.P.C." but it won't fit through the little mouth of his mask. So he unzips the mask and everyone oohs and aahs at seeing his face. He eats the burger -- and then he rips off his face, Martin Landau-style, revealing that he's wearing another wrestling mask underneath his skin. AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Eating at McDonalds will make you want to flay yourself after you grow a gimp hood beneath your flesh! Dear David Cronenberg, Go back to making real movies. Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan Who Has Re-Enacted Every Scene From Every One Of Your Movies Except I Haven't Yet Been Able To Make Patrick McGoohan's Head Explode Even Though I'm Thinking About It Really Really Hard. P.S. Please stop before you do a commercial where Ronald has a detachable vagina he can throw. I know you want to. Don't. -- K. Didn't Pink Floyd discover the Double Kewpie Sea on the dark side of the Moon? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:04:07 -0500 Last night I made one of my periodic references to Cronenberg's "Videodrome" -- when I alluded to Ronald McDonald growing a killer vagina -- and that reminded me that I had the Criterion two-disc DVD edition here (the one in the really awesome box designed to look like a BetaMax videotape!) and needed to watch it, so I did. I've always liked Cronenberg's super-creepy-surreal-sicko movies (he did "Scanners" and "The Fly" and "Crash" and "Dead Ringers" and several others) and Videodrome's always been one of my favorites. When it came out in 1983, I saw it twice (on cable) and today it's pretty mind-boggling that a film so disturbing and edgy could be released in 1983 (even by present-day standards, it's pretty over-the-top.) When I saw it in the 1980s, it made quite an impression on me, and all the imagery burned itself deeply into my brain, so that in the twenty years since, I hadn't gone out of my way to watch it, because I still felt like I'd just seen it. (Sometimes you like a movie so much, you don't want to see it as often as lighter ones you can see repeatedly.) Well, I had remembered it being the most disturbing film I had ever seen when I was 16, and now that I've seen it again I still believe it's in competition for that title. (It's the one where James Woods picks up pirated transmissions of an extreme S&M snuff porn show, and can't stop watching even though the show gives its viewers brain cancer... and in James Woods's case, a man-gina...) This got me thinking about whether this movie -- which had quite an influence on me when I was 16 -- was indeed the most disturbing movie I've seen (I'm not sure it is, but it's in the top 3) and I started drawing up a mental list of The Most Disturbing Movies. Then I realized that my list of movies I found disturbing was completely congruent to my list of my favorite movies. They all do things like advocating the violent overthrow of consensus reality while intentionally inducing confusion and revulsion in the Normals in the audience. I seem to gravitate towards satires that contain lots of sick humor mixed with wacky torture and nightmarish imagery. Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", "A Clockwork Orange"... For TV series, I'd select "The Prisoner", "Lexx", "Monty Python's Flying Circus", "Mr. Show", and "M*A*S*H", and "The Simpsons"... I'm a little bemused by this realization that I like movies that are specifically designed to smack people around (especially if I get to see them in a theater with a bunch of people who won't enjoy the experience.) Apparently I got a touch of the ol' Andy Warhol or Andy Kaufman in me. I have really great taste if there's a way to define "great taste" to include "seriously disturbed in a manner that Cronenberg, Tarantino and Gilliam can exploit." If my cable had a channel named "The Really Dark Satire Channel" I'd probably block all the other channels. (Except for the "Match Game Rerun Channel", 'cause I need camp too.) Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need recommendations. What other movies should I be seeing that I may not know about? (And before you mention Takashi Miike, I have the director's cut of "Ichi The Killer" sitting here waiting to be watched.) Of course, if _too many_ people recommend something to me, I'll know I won't like it. So only recommend stuff that only you and I can like. -- K. "Baby Geniuses" is also disturbing, but above I'm using "disturbing" in the sense of "challenging", not in the sense of "it bothers me that the laws of physics allows the DVDs of this movie to exist without spontaneously exploding." P.S.: I need to get one of those wet clay walls for my bedroom. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:35:18 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > [Jean-Luc Godard's "Weekend"] > > > The traffic jam sequence is particularly of note. > > > > Technically superb... at reproducing that nails-on-the-chalkboard > > kind of feeling. > > Well, I would say that would be more the bit where there's the long, > loud whine, but anyway when I saw the movie (in an auditorium full of > other people taking the same class) at the end of the traffic jam > sequence everyone spontaneously started to laugh, then almost > immediately felt ashamed of themselves and stopped laughing. It was > neat. And that's why it's fun to see movies with an audience. Another moment like that is when Peter Sellers gets his big laugh at the end of "Dr. Strangelove" ("MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN VALK!") and immediately Kubrick cuts to stock footage of the world being destroyed a thousand times over and the audience is still laughing before they realize they're watching the end of all life on Earth. Then they become real quiet and anxious. They're not so much frightened over seeing the nuclear war, they're frightened because they just realized they could be made to laugh during a nuclear war, and they know that STANLEY KUBRICK 0WNZ THEM. The importance of precise editing for purposes of comedic horror cannot be overstated. A couple of frames sooner or later on that edit point, and that moment wouldn't be nearly as effective. You can never recapture the joy and astonishment you felt when you experienced a movie like that for the first time, but you can share in the emotions radiated by the others who are being rolled by it for the first time, and of course it's just always fun to watch people having their heads played with. I keep thinking that theaters showing classics like "Dr. Stangelove" should sit the first-timers in the center section so the rest of us could sit in swivel seats off to one side so we could either watch the movie or turn to watch their faces. It's so wonderful to see someone lose control of all those little muscles. I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, confused, or shocked. -- K. Sometimes I like to sit way in the back to watch those sickos who are watching the newbies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:35:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suspect Kubrick enjoyed watching audiences, too. "Dr. Strangelove", > > "A Clockwork Orange", "2001", "Spartacus", even "Eyes Wide Shut", those > > are all movies where it's fun to watch the audience becoming enraptured, > > confused, or shocked. > > 'Eyes Wide Shut' aka 'Kubrick's script was accidentally switched with an > angsty, pervy, goth girl's script' So which of the two did you see? The one I saw must've had the Kubrick script, because it sure wasn't pervy, except for the part only Alan Cumming got to see. Now, if you want a Kubrick film just dripping with gay double-entendres and 57 varieties of homoeroticism, you'll love "Spartacus". If you want hetero rape and a three-way sped up to where Benny Hill's head would explode, that's "A Clockwork Orange". "Eyes Wide Shut" had people standing around looking at naked fashion models standing around, and if that's your idea of pervy, you probably freak out whenever you see a beer commercial. PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK plink plink... PLINK............... PLINK............... PLINK............... DO SOMETHING ALREADY DAMMIT! SEND IN BOB BARKER WITH HIS PLINKO STICK! SEND IN FROGGY TO PLINK HIS MAGIC TWANGER! SEND IN THE FREAKIN' PLINK PANTHER! JUST DO SOMETHING! -- K. Kubrick sped up the sex in "A Clockwork Orange" so much that he had to slow Nicole Kidman's dialogue down to one-third speed to keep the Universe in balance. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 03:24:28 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, what I'd like to ask is... Since there are probably quite a > > few people here with similar sensibilities to mine, I need > > recommendations. > > man, you made a big mistake, asking me about movies. I can talk for DAYS. Yeah, but not to me, because I can out-talk anyone. > of course, there's a slight problem in that, although we have very > similar tastes, there are differences. I haven't seen "Pulp Fiction" or > "Tommy" on your list of favorites, and I didn't particularly care for > "Fight Club". I tend to prefer more "mentally disturbing" than "violently > disturbing", so although I liked "Fight Club" better than I thought I > would, I still say it's overrated... and I'm REALLY SICK of people > breaking the first rule about Fight Club: STOP TALKING ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. So, wanna fight over it? > on the other hand, I've heard you don't like "Pi". in fact, that dratted > Tom Kraemer doesn't like "Pi", either, and he gave away his dvd of "Pi", > which I would have gladly taken, because I would like to get rid of my > VHS version. He gave it to me, because contrary to what some nimnul told you, I really like "Pi". I squirmed with glee during the long scene where the phone rings and rings just to torture the audience. > [...] > > Ken Russell films: you've probably seen "Altered States", which isn't the > slightest bit disturbing, and you already admit to liking "Tommy", but > have you seen "Lair of the White Worm"? a movie based on Bram Stoker's > final syphillitic visions? the roman legionaires raping the nuns who may > or may not have actually been worshipping a demon is pretty disturbing. > also, I've been told that another Ken Russell film, "Lisztomania" is > supposed to he pretty fucked up, too, so we both should probably watch > that. "Lisztomania" is pretty fucked up, but not in an entertaining way, unless you like seeing Roger Daltrey in a diaper, Roger Daltrey riding around on a giant penis, or other things involving a Daltrey-diaper-penis combo. "Salome's Last Dance" is the Ken Russell film you're least likely to have seen. It's not very good, but at least it contains more potential eroticism than anything starring Roger Daltrey. > [...] > "American Beauty": another movie with middleaged men who want to sex0r > teenagers, although ultimately that's not what this movie is about. some > damned beautiful cinematography by the same guy who filmed "Incubus". > WARNING! includes Scott Bakula! BIGGER WARNING! Begins with Kevin Spacey masturbating! I did not enjoy this movie. I don't think I would have liked it even if it had been mercifully free from Spaceywank. > [...] > "Being John Malkovich": pretty damned weird concept to begin with (dweeb > puppetteer discovers a doorway into John Malkovich's brane,) but the > ending of this movie had me disturbed for days. but that may just be me, > though. That's a great movie. Too bad Charlie Kaufman's next couple films -- "Adaptation" and "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" -- seemed like such self-important attempts to recapture the success he'd had when he used up his one good idea. > [...] > "Heavenly Creatures": the OTHER Peter Jackson critical success. true > story about teenaged lesbians who dream about the Land of Chocolate > Opera, then kill people. oh, and you might as well watch his zombie movie > "Dead ALive" for even more blood. I liked most of Jackson's "Meet The Feebles" (should've ended sooner), and also, I have actually met the Feebles. Some good movies for you, though not necessarily as dark as others I've mentioned: "One Hour Photo". I've mentioned before that that's a true story. I am Robin Williams. "CQ". Wacky comedy about the making of "Barbarella" and/or "Danger: Diabolik". Complete with John Philip Law as the Chairman of Earth. "Atomic War Bride". It's the wacky "Dr. Strangelove"-style satire of World War III made by Communists. The Orson Welles version of "The Trial", filmed on location in creepy Commie locations. "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T". Slow to start, but once it gets going, you get to see a glimpse into what the inside of Dr. Seuss's head would look like if it had live-action actors in there. "M", the original version. Get the new two-disc Criterion release. While you're at it, pick up the Kino "Metropolis". "The Manchurian Candidate", the original version. Julie Taymor's "Titus" (Andronicus). Coolest-looking Shakespeare adaptation ever. Always gives me cravings for meat pies in a way that the (enjoyable but light) Vincent Price "Theatre Of Blood" doesn't. "Forbidden Planet". I want to marry Robby The Robot. "Pee-wee's Big Adventure". I am very deeply disturbed by how much I wuv it. -- K. At the moment, I'm directing a sequel to Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" titled "A Cyberbanana". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing movies. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 04:15:59 -0500 I just wrote: > > Some of the items on my list of favorite/disquieting movies (in no > particular order:) "THX-1138", "Brazil", "Yellow Submarine", > "Dr. Strangelove", "Videodrome", "Pulp Fiction", "Tommy", > "A Clockwork Orange"... I can't believe I forgot "Fight Club". That movie feels like a documentary to me. That movie is the H-bomb of awesome. I'm probably forgetting other great movies that picked me up and smacked me around and let me with something new to think about, but you get the general idea of my preferences. -- K. Some bozos harm themselves imitating "Jackass" or "Superman". Me, I like "Fight Club". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PREPARE FOR TORTURE! Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:27:01 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (timchmielewski@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Nothing really, I just wanted to use that line. It doesn't sound right if you yell it. Don't yell, just say what's going to happen. You have to declare it very calmly, without a hint of emotion, to make it as threatening as possible. Also you will never say it right while you merely _want_ to tell people you're about to torture them. It sounds scarier when you _need_ to tell people you're about to torture them. You don't want to, but you can't help yourself, and besides, rules are rules, you don't give a fuck, you're just doing your job. "Prepare for torture, and then if you survive, you can have dinner." George Orwell got this -- O'Brien's uncaring, coldly bureaucratic approach to torturing Winston Smith (perfectly acted by Richard Burton in the 1984 movie of "1984".) Or you could go the other route and do it in a funny accent. Around here, there's a lot of "tor-cha", just like in "(Really Old) Teenagers From Outer Space". > I heard it in a movie today that also featured Brian Blessed in > tiny leather shorts. "Flash Gordon", I hope? The Queen soundtrack CD's booklet has lots of cast photos, except not one picture of Brian Blessed. That photo probably went to some Shakespearean Lederhosen Bears magaine. Or possibly Moonbase Alpha. My favorite line from that movie is where Dale explains to Aura that humans always keep their promises -- "It's one of the things that make us better than you." However, the one I most often quote is "EEE-VEN A ZONG BY THE BEE-TELLZ!" because I think that's actually the most overacted line in the movie. It's fun to imitate Chaim Topol demonstrating that brain damage wears off easy. To get back to what tone of voice you should use to instill fear into the people you're about to torture, I suggest studying Peter Wyngarde's performance as Klytus. Klytus was always my favorite when I was a kid. Somehow I latched onto the way his completely deadpan performance was more interesting than everyone else's over-the-top scenery-chewing. Also, Lorenzo Semple Jr. is one of history's greatest geniuses. If you ever got me in an elevator with him and the late Terry Southern, you can bet we'd come out with a screenplay that would even boze people who _didn't_ see that movie. It would make "The Special Show!" look like "The Highly Constipated Show." It would be spaztacular! -- K. So why does Brian Blessed soak his Twinkies in food coloring? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: funny names, ha-ha-ha Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 13:48:28 -0500 [from www.thevoiceofreason.com] -> -> Least popular boys names in 2004 -> -> Beelzebub -> Agamemnon -> Horatio -> Humperdinck -> Hawkweed -> Milkman -> Donald Duck -> Purple -> Armageddon -> Humpty -> Dumpty -> Pork -> Scratch -> Groin -> Scrooge -> Acne -> Scrote Hmm, I think I wouldn't mind being Beelzebub or Hawkanything. (Provided I didn't have to dress like Brian Blessed. I don't like shorts.) I'd do well as Agamemnon, but only if I could carry my sword so I could kill anyone who misspelled my name. -> Least popular girls names in 2004 -> -> Rack -> Crumpet -> Rumpepumpee -> Rotten-Tomato -> Cabbage -> Plug -> Parsnip Chops -> Potato -> Pillage -> Crotch -> Willy Don't forget Short Round. I spent all of "Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom" torn between wanting to punch a woman and wanting to punch a child, because I couldn't figure out whether Willy or Short Round was the most irritating character. -> Cannelloni -> Lasagne -> Condescensia -> Bucket -> Spot -> Biff Poor Spot! Poor Biff! What, no Einstein? Einstein cried when he was snubbed by the list of bad girls' names! Einstein wanted more than anything to be a bad girl! He went into the little girls' room and lit up a Virginia Slim. -- K. Then he concentrated real hard as he tried to give himself PMS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: funny names, ha-ha-ha Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 18:17:20 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Don't forget Short Round. I spent all of "Indiana Jones And The Temple > > Of Doom" torn between wanting to punch a woman and wanting to punch a > > child, because I couldn't figure out whether Willy or Short Round was > > the most irritating character. > > Well, geez, Kibo, you got TWO hands, don't you? Punch 'em BOTH. > > Please. Hard. I think I need to reserve one hand for grabbing Indy's whip so I can hang onto it for safekeeping before Steven Spielberg digitally retouches the film to change it into a can of Silly String. I'm glad that in the recent DVD release, the only notable retouching was that they took out the reflection of Harrison Ford in the plate of glass protecting him from the cobra. However, given that Spielberg screwed around with the guns/walkie-talkies in the DVD version of "E.T." and Lucas added computer-animated Ewoks to the DVD of "THX-1138", as the Indiana Jones movies are Spielberg/Lucas collaborations I expect them _each_ to issue a retouched version. Spielberg's will replace all the Nazis with junior high school bullies who will learn important lessons, while Lucas's will change the Indy's famous "I have painful diarrhea so I'm going to shoot you now" fight with the swordsman to show that the swordsman had diarrhea first, just like in that "Star Wars" reworking where not only does Greedo fire first, but Harrison Ford can bend his spine sixty degrees to the left to dodge the laser beam that never even used to be there. However, I will support each of those versions if they replace Short Round and Willy with less annoying characters, such as that old Papa Gino's commercial's "HOOPIE-DOO!" guy breathing helium while shining two laser pointers directly into the audience's eyes. -- K. I hear they're working on retouching "Tron" to double the amount of computer animation, by adding another six minutes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A simple new medical definition of "brain death". Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 15:10:34 -0500 "Doctor, the patient's vital signs are fading." "Okay, nurse, bring in the TV set." (click) (Judge Judy begins talking) "It's been five seconds and he hasn't turned it off. He's brain-dead." -- K. And if the patient wants to turn it off but there's no "off" switch, then it'll cause brain death in ten. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why Johnny Can't Open His Milk Carton: Because He's A Dink Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 16:10:25 -0500 [www.suntimes.com] -> -> School milk carton giving way to bottle -> -> by J.M. Hirsch -> -> Yet another familiar school-days object may be going the way of -> the inkwell and the slide rule. Black and white TVs? (My school had them in every classroom in 1985.) -> Encouraged by a milk industry study that shows children drink more -> dairy when it comes in round plastic bottles, a growing number of -> schools are ditching those clumsy paper half-pint cartons many of -> us grew up with. -> -> Already more than 1,250 schools have switched to single-serving -> bottles. While that is still a tiny fraction of the nation's -> schools, it is a significant jump from 2000, when there were none, -> according to the National Dairy Council. -> -> Allegedly hard to handle -> -> ''Those ... square containers are awfully hard for kids,'' says -> New Hampshire Agriculture Commissioner Steve Taylor, who has -> watched the trend spread to some 320 schools in New England. -> ''Teachers say you can spend the whole lunch period just walking -> around and opening those containers.'' You know, if the schools refuse to let kids sink or swim when it comes to opening their own little boxes, they'll not only starve to death when they get to college and have to open their own food, but clearly these schools also won't bother teaching the kids anything more difficult than opening a milk carton, such as opening a book, using TV Guide, or dialing 9-1-1. -> While the growing use of bottles in schools can partly be -> attributed to ease -- educators say plastic caps are easier for -> children to open, and round bottles fit better in their hands -- -> marketing savvy deserves at least as much credit. -> -> Several years ago the milk industry decided its boxes were not -> visually competitive when sold alongside the relatively sexy -> bottles of juice and soda increasingly common in schools. Yeah, most six-year-olds prefer the ones with hardcore orgy scenes on them. -- K. By the way, milk sucks, and we should stop forcing kids to drink it in order to attend public school. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Listen to GWB, if you can Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:45:41 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > The Queen of Engerland, being a QUEEN, can do WHATEVER SHE WANTS. > > Otherwise, what's the point of being a QUEEN? > > Ask Lots42. But in a fight between the Queen and Superman, who would win? Superman can do whatever he wants _except_ see through lead or survive a Kryptonite enema. If you cross-bred the Queen with Superman, you'd just get a queen with fewer powers. So obviously the Queen would win any fight against Superman. She'd somehow beat him up with that rigidly dainty little wave she does. Next question: Who would win in a fight between Superbatspiderman, Batspidersuperman, Superspiderbatman, Spidersuperbatman, Batsuperspiderman, and Spiderbatsuperman? And how would we tell their costumes apart? -- K. They'd still be more different than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 17:57:23 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market > and give Kibo more material to twist into gay fantasies You wish. You're going to the wrong flea market, sissy. You're downstairs with the queens and the clones and the Streisand fans, I'm upstairs with the leathermen and the soldiers and the lumberjacks and the skinheads and the bears and the rubbermen and the bikers. You're the sort of person who can't tell the difference and wanders up the stairs right before closing time looking for someone to take you home, too drunk to understand you're in waaaaay over your head. And you'll never be a pirate. Real pirates play rough. Stick to spending your evenings putting your comic books into numbered plastic bags -- you can fantasize about playing with the big boys all you want, but we're not going to fantasize about you. -- K. If we played with you, you might not be in "mint condition" afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 19:59:38 -0500 My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > I hope I clear up before Saturday, so I can go to the flea market and > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > like no one else in recorded history. He'll be cruising around in his little child-size plastic pirate hat with a sprig of mistletoe taped to the brim, and a ChapStick in his pocket... Oh, wait, that really _is_ a ChapStick. I didn't know they'd made them smaller. > . > Mr. Hole > > Par-tay Monster. As for my New Year's Eve, I'm going to go get drunk at the Science Museum. Also I'm going to wear black so I can pretend I'm stealing the Pink Panther diamond when I'm actually just fondling the big salt crystal. -- K. Uh oh, there's a cheaply-dressed pirate on TV at a party with a dancing bear, a Roman centurion, and a guy who "got full" at Taco Bell. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 03:53:05 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My Rejoice In The Bounty of Mr. Hole (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > Saturday, huh? WoW, Lots, you REALLY know how to bring in the New Year > > like no one else in recorded history. > > Yeah, well, I'm a bit drunk now so shove it up your ass. See what I meant about you wandering upstairs to play with the big boys when you're drunk? I don't care what you want to shove up whose ass -- keep it in your pants, you little twink. You're out of your depth up here and you will keep your pants on until asked. If we want them off, we'll take them off. Really, Lots, you may be only one beer from gay, but you shouldn't be cruising for an insta-fuck. That sort of slutty promiscuity is frowned upon by those of us who know how to be correctly gay. You're stumbling into trouble, and I suggest you sober up enough to find your way back to the lamppost of heterosexuality until you're ready for your first lesson. Or at least stay downstairs with the gay karaoke machine while you have that next beer. -- K. Okay, it's just a regular karaoke machine. But all karaoke machines are pretty gay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Cold Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 18:08:08 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Really, Lots, you may be only one beer from gay, > > Beers suck. Gimme midori sours. Say "please", or no little paper parasol for you. Also, demanding I buy you a drink isn't the best way for you to hit on me. I have lots of better options, so if you want to get me to spend time with you, you'll have to do a _lot_ more than that. -- K. You know, my boots really could use a good cleaning... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing commercial #20041228c. Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:00:57 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > As a descendent of cavemen, I am profoundly disturbed by the portrayal > of cavemen in a recent Geico commercial. There is a very strong > implication that the cavemen shown at the end of the commercial are gay! Well, some of them must have been. Otherwise none of their children would have been gay, and Charles Nelson Reilly would never have been born, and Gene Rayburn would cry caveman tears over the loss of his friend. -- K. Remember that "Space: 1999" episode where Martin Landau and Barbara Bain turn into cavepeople? Me neither. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Day Of The Cone! Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 18:54:19 -0500 We knew it was coming. It's finally happened. Orange cones have turned on their former masters. From www.boston.com (The Boston Globe), this story of an orange cone that tried to kill a human: -> On Aug. 17, the 21-year-old Boisvert was patrolling roadways in a -> military Humvee just outside the city of Fallujah. Inside his -> vehicle were a gunner and three other Marines searching for hidden -> bombs along the road. With Boisvert at the wheel, the five were -> traveling at a high speed to make themselves less vulnerable to -> detonated explosives. An orange cone blocking a lane raised no -> suspicions. It had been placed there by allies to block a damaged -> lane on the bridge they were approaching. -> -> But inside the cone was an explosive material filled with shrapnel -> that someone detonated remotely as the Humvee's left tire -> approached. The metal shards ripped through the vehicle's -> floorboard and engine, cut Boisvert's femoral artery and fractured -> the bone in his right leg, and hollowed the bicep in his right arm. From now on, if you see orange cones, do not go near them. In fact, to keep everyone away from the cones, put some sort of warning marker around them. -- K. The cones are revolting! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Something that needs to be said. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 05:05:34 -0500 After you've seen a few hundred, ice sculptures no longer seem like the world's most important art form. There, I said it. I expect to be lynched for taking sides against the majestic mystique of awesomely wonderful ice sculptures, but someone had to come out and say it for the good of humanity. -- K. Also, ice is just made from water. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 13:42:10 -0500 [www.lodinews.com] -> -> Wackiest police calls of 2004 -> -> Last updated: Friday, Dec 31, 2004 - 11:25:31 am PST -> -> The News-Sentinel's police log is one of the best-read parts of -> the paper, and for good reason: You never know what will turn up. -> Here is a selection of items from the last year culled from the -> records of the Lodi Police Department. -> -> Jan. 4, 1:35 a.m.: Two drunk females on foot were in the Jack in the -> Box drive-through, 2425 W. Kettleman Lane, doing a "strange dance." All dances are strange until you realize that the only dance that makes sense scientifically is that figure-eight one bees do to indicate the relative position of the closest scientists who might be gullible enough to believe that the bees are actually communicating solar trigonometry. -> Feb. 11, 4:25 p.m.: A paranoid man at Woodlake Place Apartments, -> 2440 W. Turner Road, thought people were following him and that -> spiders were on him. Dave Foley was then arrested for writing the horror novel "Hey, There's A Spider On Your Back." -> March 15, 3:37 p.m.: Two juveniles were shooting some kind of gun at -> a mannequin in a back yard in the 1100 block of Port Chelsea Circle. They had probably just seen "Mannequin 2: On The Move" and wanted to make sure it would never turn into Kim Cattrall again. -> April 1, 7:48 p.m.: A man thought there were 99 people creeping -> around outside his residence in the 1200 block of Woodhaven Lane. Well, of course -- there's not room in a front yard for 100 people. -> April 5, 4:53 p.m.: Two females armed with golf clubs were -> fighting at Bellflowers Apartments, 205 Daisy Ave. They were -> separated by the time police arrived. Never mind the details, when do we get to see the photos? -> April 28, 2:55 p.m.: A student at Lodi Academy, 230 S. Central -> Ave., called police to ask that handcuffs be cut off after a prank. Obviously he hadn't read my article from several months ago about the idiot sheriff and the acetylene torch and how all standard police handcuffs take the same keys and most can be opened with a bent paper clip. I wonder whether he was asking for them to use a saw to rip his flesh, or an acetylene torch to burn through it. For future reference: If any of you get stuck in handcuffs, call me and I'll mail you a paper clip. -> May 4, 3:59 p.m.: A woman on Allen Drive wanted to talk to an -> officer about what might happen in the future. "On January 1 of next year, I will be mocked..." -> May 24, 10:53 a.m.: A man went to the police station because he -> thought his boss may have attached a device under his truck. Whether or not he's crazy depends on whether he's worried about a GPS device or one of those new soul-stealing devices with activated Shazbozium-12 to allow the soul-stealing rays to penetrate the undersides of trucks. -> June 2, 10:11 a.m.: Officers were called to do an area check in -> the 600 block of Lincoln Avenue for juveniles who were reportedly -> covering cars with shaving cream and salsa. My experience is it takes several thousand dollars' worth of salsa to actually do that. -> June 2, 5:02 p.m.: A juvenile duct taped to a chair was seen -> running south on Mills Avenue. "Waah! I can't get away from this damn inflatable Jar Jar Chair!" -> July 1, 9:38 p.m.: Two people got into an argument over a dirty -> bathtub in the 1900 block of Victoria Drive Then Jim Henson turned this into a wacky comedy sketch involving an orange puppet, a yellow puppet, and a box of Crumby Crackers brand saltines. -> July 20, 6:16 a.m.: It "took a whole cigarette for the light to -> change" at the northbound intersection of West Lodi Avenue and -> South Hutchins Street. Solution: Switch to shorter cigarettes to make the light change faster. -> July 20, 10:02 a.m.: A resident in the 800 block of North Mills -> Avenue was mad because a neighbor took her picture. ...while she was in the bathtub with Bert and Ernie and some crackers. -> July 24, 12:17 a.m.: A dog with no respect for people who have to -> get up early was barking in the 600 block of North Church Street. Police were dispatched to say "Ssh!" to the dog and then they drove off with their siren blaring. -> July 27, 4:10 p.m.: A 14-year-old girl in the 1300 block of South -> Lee Avenue received a slanderous letter from Santa. What, did Santa tell the Tooth Fairy she hadn't been brushing? Or did he just tell all her friends that she was 14 and still believed in Santa? -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. Somehow, the vagueness of these reports ruins all possibility of them being exciting. It's like if you told Ned Beatty, "I'm gonna make you make NOISES like A NON-DESCRIPT ANIMAL!" Most boring rafting excursion ever! -> Aug. 11, 9:53 p.m.: A female phoned a Lodi teenager, saying she -> was in the trunk of a Buick and was possibly at Wal-Mart, 2350 W. -> Kettleman Lane. Officers checked vehicles in the lot, and at other -> shopping centers, and found nothing. And last night, the tape of this prank was played at someone's New Year's Eve party, especially the really funny part where the woman said she knew what type of car's trunk she was in because it smelled like a Buick. By the way, cell phones don't work that well inside cars with metal trunks. Next time she should pretend to be kidnapped by people driving a futuristic fiberglas car. Plus then she could also pretend to not be protected from lightning just to make that lecturer at the Museum Of Science cry. -> Aug. 25, 4:17 p.m.: An 18-year old was in the emergency room at -> Lodi Memorial Hospital, 975 S. Fairmont Ave., with facial -> lacerations because he "fell in his beer." (shameful pause) "...while it was in the toilet." (shameful pause) "...the pointy toilet." -> Aug. 25, 7:23 a.m.: A balding man was walking back and forth in -> the 0-100 block of West Vine Street, yelling, knocking on doors, -> cracking a bull whip and holding a sword cover. Sorry. I should've worn my hat. Also, that wasn't a sword cover, if you know what I mean. -> Aug. 25, 12:11 p.m.: A suspicious man in a black leather jacket Sorry. I was on a roll that day. -> was riding a seatless bicycle OW OW OW OW MOMMY I DON'T LIKE RE-ENACTING THIS BENNY HILL SKETCH! -> while looking into vehicles at City Hall, 221 W. Pine St. Twenty -> minutes later, he was taking a bath in the adjacent fountain. Did he at least take off his leather jacket? 'Cause it sort of ruins your jacket when you bathe in a fountain while wearing it unless the fountain is filled with lanolin. Was it? (Goopy beige fountains are better than water ones because they're so quiet.) -> Sept. 6, 8:30 p.m.: A man at the Comfort Inn, 118 N. Cherokee -> Lane, said someone was chasing him. An hour later, after switching -> to the Budget Inn, 917 S. Cherokee Lane, he was saying that people -> were locking his room door. Another hour later, this time at the -> Holiday Inn, 1140 S. Cherokee Lane, he said people were following -> him. At midnight, he was still calling 9-1-1. Two hours later, -> officers began a case against him because he would not stop -> calling 9-1-1. And then they started chasing him, and thus the cycle of life progressed. -> Sept. 13, 1:42 a.m.: A caller drove over a piece of carpet that -> was on fire in an alley between Pine and Oak Streets and put it out. And then he said, "Why do you drive over carpet on a parkway but park on carpet in a driveway even though it's not a car or a pet?" -> Sept. 15, 5:44 p.m.: A man with no shirt, shorts or shoes stole -> shoes from a fellow patient in the emergency room at Lodi Memorial -> Hospital, 975 S. Fairmont Ave., and ran from the hospital. I'd hardly have used the phrase "fellow patient" when writing this one up, because the first guy was hardly patient. -> Sept 20, 11:49 a.m.: After leaving a strange love note at a -> woman's door in the 500 block of Daisy Avenue, a man was staring -> at her from across the street. She had no idea who he was. Was he cute? Is she cute? Come on, people, we need these details so we can reconstruct the scene of the crime. -> Sept. 20, 12:42 p.m.: Someone needed advice on marital woes in the -> 200 block of Mulberry Circle. "Help us, officer! Only the police can save our marriage now!" "Okay! I'm on my way over to cuff you two together! Tomorrow I'll be along to cut you out with the acetylene torch!" -> Sept. 28, 2:41 p.m.: Hunting arrows were continuously landing in a -> man's back yard in the 200 block of East Century Boulevard. I wouldn't have called the police to make them stop, I would have just saved them and sold them back to the nitwit -- those things are expensive. -> Oct. 12, 12:46 a.m.: A woman's house was shaking in the 300 block -> of East Pine Street, and it was not caused by music. Unless the termites had deafened her by playing their termite music too loud! -> Oct. 15, 9:08 p.m.: A man violated a restraining order, entered a -> house in the 1000 block of Laurel Avenue, took a parrot and -> threatened to kill it. Polly knows a crackhead! Polly knows a crackhead! -> Oct. 19, 12:06 p.m.: Someone thought a woman had been assaulted -> because she was bleeding from the mouth as she carried a blanket -> and walked north in the 900 block of South Garfield Street. It -> turned out to be a cold sore. Sure looked like a blanket to me. -> Nov. 15, 8:19 p.m.: A shopping cart was on the loose on Hutchins -> Street south of Kettleman Lane. ...causing ten billion dollars' worth of damage. Oh, wait, this is California. Causing ten billion dollars' worth of damage, but more importantly, harming the enviornment. -> Nov. 18, 8:12 a.m.: A man wearing a raincoat and hat was talking -> to himself at the Depot, 24 S. Sacramento St. He said he had an -> "automatic mechanism" and "has everything under control." You know, sane people don't wear enough hats. -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. -> Dec. 28, 7 a.m.: Someone complained about a rooster crowing on -> Christmas morning in the 300 block of Flora Street. Why, was he crowing the dreidel song? -- K. I'm glad I'm not a cop, so I never have to deal with loonies, jerks, and whiners. Except when I go to Sears. But at least the customers are nice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 19:16:01 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture > > > -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. > > > > > > She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. > > > > "The horror! THE HORROR!" > > See, that's funny because Kibo often refers to Seth as furniture, so > Seth is acting as if . . . oh, never mind. I won't dignify your ellipsis with a response of any sort because I'm still waiting for someone to make the obvious followup to my article about wrapping Baby Jesus in duct tape so that I can either (a) yell "HOME TAPING IS KILLING BABY JESUS!" to mock the Christian music industry or (b) post the script for a remake of "Bumfights" with an all-five-year-old cast: (ENTER KID WEARING LITTLE PLASTIC BIB WITH STEVE IRWIN'S PICTURE ON IT) KID I am the Crocodile Fighter I mean I am the Bum Fighter I mean the Crocodile Hunter I mean the Bum Hunter I'm going to start over I am the Bum Hunter I am going to wrap you in tape now! BUM Wuh? KID I am wrapping you in tape now you are getting taped up! (KID WRAPS TAPE RANDOMLY AROUND BUM TWO OR THREE TIMES) KID There now you are wearing lots of tape! OTHER KIDS Yay put more tape on him! (CONTINUES UNTIL ALL EIGHT ROLLS ARE USED UP) ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyy! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! BUM Guh... KID I will let you go and give you a guitar if you eat a frog here eat this frog so if you eat the frog you can have a guitar! OTHER KIDS Eww the frog was on the ground! KID Look he's eating the frog! MEXICAN-AMERICAN STEREOTYPE KID Mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira!!!!! ALL ENGLISH-SPEAKING KIDS That frog's dirty eeeeewwwwwwww!!! KID You have to go to the dentist now 'cause you got too many teeth in your mouth but you have to use the pliers yourself so pull all your teeth out okay! OTHER KIDS Yayyyyyyyy!!! KID IN COP UNIFORM You stop that you kids are bad you have to go to jail if you don't say you're sorry! ALL KIDS We're sorry! KID IN COP UNIFORM Yay put more tape on him! ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! So go back to the other article and post a comment about Baby Jesus and duct tape so I won't feel like I wrote that scene for no reason. -- K. Short shameful confession: Though I have not seen any of them and have no intention of seeing any of them, I did ascertain that Amazon.com sells "Bumfights" DVD volumes 1 and 3 but not 2. That must be the one that was morally wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:34:54 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm glad I'm not a cop, > > so I never have to deal > > with loonies, jerks, and > > whiners. Except when I > > go to Sears. But at least > > the customers are nice. > > Hey, now, bucko! I used to work at Sears and I assure you even the > customers are not nice. YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox Of course, this isn't a perfect test, because if you just close your eyes and circle one at random, you still have a 7/8 chance of being hired to work in the Sears tool department. If you accidentally circle "pliers", then you're forbidden to work at Sears because they can't afford to hire geniuses. You have to go put in hours at the Apple Store behind the Genius Bar with the other geniuses serving genius juice to stupid customers who broke their computers by looking at porn. Then the geniuses fix the computers by using tools such as pliers, and when they draw their pliers from their holster and hold them aloft, any passing Sears employees scream "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?" The closest any Sears employee ever came to figuring out what tools were for was when that guy threw the crescent wrench into the air and it turned into a spaceship thanks to a convenient jump-cut. But it would take several truckloads of monoliths to englighten those primordial salesapes to the point where they could tell a pair of pliers from a woxwox. Ever notice that the buttons on the cash registers are labelled in Yerkish? -- K. But yes, Paula, I was being sarcastic when I said the customers are nicer than the nitwits to whom I return broken tools. Everyone's stupid except for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:51:36 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs > > to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: > > > > furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox > > Great. Now I have an image in my head of an old-timey lift > ("aileron" to Yanquistanis) in an old-timey depratment store with > a lift attendant making announcements like on the opening titles > of "Are you being served?": > > First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, > going up... > Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and > furniture, going up... > Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and > coelocanths, going up... > [Fades into an infintely-protracted litany of ill-assorted > gombeenery, forever going up...] ERIC IDLE: Ah, the fourth floor! Now I can return my defective ant! TERRY JONES: Defective ant returns, go past the volvox and the burpo, through the slunch appraisal area, and you'll come to ant returns. ERIC IDLE: Thank you very much! (WALKS THROUGH STORE, PAST JOHN CLEESE DRESSED AS A WOMAN) JOHN CLEESE: Dainty toffee! Dainty toffee! I got dainty toffee for sale, you stinkin' git! ERIC IDLE (to ANT): Pay her no mind, we're going to get you returned and exchanged for a better ant! (CONTINUES WALKING, ENCOUNTERS TERRY JONES AGAIN) TERRY JONES: Hello sir, welcome to the crotch-kicking department. This is where you get kicked in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: What? TERRY JONES: I said, this is where you get kicked in the crotch. With a foot. ERIC IDLE: But my crotch doesn't have a foot. Also I just came in to return my ant. TERRY JONES: Well, sir, this _is_ the crotch-kicking department. You look like a nice gullible person, so I'll guide you to the _real_ ant-return department. Go past inflatable wumbles, ignore the furlax -- it's not your thing -- and over the coelocanths, and watch out, they're poisonous, then stand on one foot in the middle of the eepi department, right after you get your kick in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: No sir, I will not let you kick me in the crotch, I just came in to return my defective ant, and furthermore, I'm never returning to this department store again! (HASTILY EXITS THROUGH DOOR. ZOOM IN ON SIGN OVER DOOR: "CARTOON DEPARTMENT") (CUT-OUT CARTOON ANIMALS EAT HIM) (CUT TO TERRY JONES IN THE COELOCANTH DEPARTMENT, BEATING ONE WITH AN OAR) TERRY JONES: Down, girl! Bad coelocanth! (ENTER GRAHAM CHAPMAN, AS THE MANAGER, SMOKING A PIPE) GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Carry on, then. (PUFFS PIPE AND SPEAKS TO CAMERA) I wonder what's happening over by the volvox. (CUT TO JOHN CLEESE IN A VOLVOX COSTUME) JOHN CLEESE: I'd like to know what the price of Swedish glarno is in Oxford. (CUT TO TERRY GILLIAM AS A VIKING STANDING IN A FJORD) TERRY GILLIAM: I'd-- (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH WITH "OINK, OINK" NOISES DUBBED IN) (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING) MICHAEL PALIN: I'd just like to say that I'm not in this sketch, and you know it's an authentic Python sketch because it's all middle with no ending. KIBO: Lemon furlax? (A COW EXPLODES) -- K. I skipped dinner for this? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 23:30:14 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of > > -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. > > What other kind of noise could he make? We ARE animals. You're a man after my own baboon heart. Other people, you poke them, they say "OUCH!" or "YIKES!" or "HEY!" or "DAMN!" or some other arbitrarily-agreed-upon cluster of English phonemes. Me, I snarl. I think humans devote too much of their Big Brains to suppressing the natural animal noises their bodies want to make. You should let the animal noises out unless you believe that humans evolved from robots, not evil little organ-grinder monkeys. Big Brains need to unleash their inner animals to experience emotion in its excitingly undiluted natural form. This is why Kibologists enjoy playing pirates, because shouting "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" is a therapeutic growl. (Nobody ever told Ned Beatty, "We're gonna make you say 'OUCH!' like a human!" Though I think Animal may have said that to Miss Piggy.) > Now, if he was making printer noises, or sitting perfectly > still while ticking loudly, then I'd call the cops. On "CSI", whenever something comes out of an inkjet printer, they dub in Epson MX-80 tractor-feed noises. "Skriiiiit! EeeSkriiiiiiit! SkaSkriiiit! EeeeeeSkritSkritSkrit EeeSkriiiiiiit!" Then they look at the dot-matrix printout under an electron magnifying glass and they can see photos of the victim's DNA (in full color) between the dots on the paper. I just saw one where they recovered a pair of bloody scissors that had been wrapped in a piece of fabric for many years, so there was a V-shaped stain on the fabric, and they scanned the fabric into the computer and extrapolated a picture of a complete pair of scissors with the name of a casino etched into each blade in tiny Times Roman letters, because everyone knows that not only does a red spot on fabric contain the fine print of everything that was a few inches away, but all casinos have their own custom-manufactured scissors for guests to use to open those little lemon-flavored towlette packets. -- K. I miss the dramatic realism of "Mission: Impossible '88". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:58:16 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@nospam.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> July 28, 6:24 p.m.: A man was making animal noises in front of > > > -> Avenue Grill, 506 W. Lodi Ave. > > > > What other kind of noise could he make? We ARE animals. > > I think the problem is that he was making other-animal noises. It is > (or should be) as disturbing as a cow making dolphin noises, or a > sheep making lawyer noises. You mean like when a bunny rabbit makes human baby screams because someone's crushing it? That's the second most disturbing sound in all of nature, right after Regis Philbin's voice. Third is that noise every domestic parrot makes every five minutes for the rest of its life after hearing you test the smoke alarm once. > Ja-I-move-to-file-a-motion-of-/ascendo-tuum/-mes Young man, here in my Latin class you watch your potty mouth or you get beaten with a bronze ruler. Either the two-cubit one or, if you're really naughty, the eight-centon one. -- K. #4: Frank Welker making talking-dolphin noises. #5: Frank Welker making other animal noises. #6: Everything else in the Museum Of Jurassic Technology. #7: People who base their super-scientific genius theories on something the Museum Of Jurassic Technology made up: -> From: Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@iw.net) -> Subject: actinomycetes is to Parkinsons as bacteria/fungus is to -> Prion/Alzheimers Re: fakeness of Prusiner Model -> Newsgroups: sci.med, sci.chem, sci.bio.technology -> Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 00:44:57 -0600 -> -> [...] I remembered that ants are attacked by a fungus that when -> they breathe the fungus it goes to the brain of the ant and causes the ant -> to climb the highest branch and then dies and the fungus emits thousands of -> spores to infect more ants. So if fungus find a happy medium in ant brains -> then it is easy to step into an analogy that Prion disease is a fungal -> caused disease in humans much like ants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 19:16:25 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Sept. 28, 2:41 p.m.: Hunting arrows were continuously landing in a > > -> man's back yard in the 200 block of East Century Boulevard. > > > > I wouldn't have called the police to make them stop, I would have just > > saved them and sold them back to the nitwit -- those things are expensive. > > How would you know when it was safe to go collect them? I wouldn't have been the sort of wimp who worries about stuff like that. I have armor and the temperament to wear it in public. Now, if they were arbalest bolts, I might stay inside, at least until I get myself a bigger arbalest. Trust me, if I had a back yard, nobody else would be f'ing around with it. Do you need to hire me to come over and keep the bad people from tossing their toy arrows at yours? -- K. I want a trebuchet, too, but only if I can fill it with all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls in the world. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 13:57:45 -0500 New for 2005! http://images.ibsys.com/2004/1206/3974007.jpg (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/3974007.jpg in case they take it away) From left to right, I present: The Toyota Toiletera! The Toyota Renfestia! And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! You know, it's often said that fashion designers hate women. I think automobile designers hate humans. Would any of these three silly-ass full-size toy cars survive a collision with, say, a low-flying pigeon? -- K. How come the dork on the left doesn't get an awesomely cool costume like the other two dorks? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 23:51:31 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > In the future, even when vehicles become tiny and plastic, they > will still have a model that says, "I wish I had a giant penis." Yeah, but it'll say it at the push of a button, in James Earl Jones's voice. "BEEP! BEEP! I AM BACKING UP! I WISH I HAD A GIANT PENIS! THIS IS JAMES EARL JONES, SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF THE DRIVER, WHO HAS ALMOST NO PENIS!" Also it'll be shaped like the Death Star and it'll move by rolling around and crushing the other cars. -- K. I'd want one of those if only my penis wasn't so damn big. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 23:44:41 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Yeah, yeah, and I'm on the step before written warning at work because they > have STILL not managed to process my availability change so that I'm legally > not there on Wednesdays so that I can keep my sanity and keep working at the > job. I'm not too worried about that NEITHER. What if you weren't there when you were there, but only on days when you were there when you weren't there, unless it was dark on Tuesday, in which case the person to your left is neither there nor not there but is in a state of quantum flux where they're as insubstantial as the plot of a pinball machine? How much of your paycheck would you mail to me each week then? And can I have your autograph, Captain Nil? > Dave "they noticed me? How COULD that have HAPPENED?" DeLaney Try dyeing your hair fluorescent orange. Then they'll have to put a lot of work into ignoring you. -- K. I think this week I'll start lighting weights. WITH MY MIND! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 02:17:29 -0500 I just wrote: > > I think this week I'll > start lighting weights. > > WITH MY MIND! I apologize for the way sometimes my Freudian slips are cuter than anything anyone else ever says intentionally. I'm just that brilliant. Obviously I want to lift weights, though I wouldn't mind having a pyrokinetic laserbrain. Especially whenever I'm on the subway. -- K. So what brand of steroids are the safest? Just kidding, I don't want muscles that badly. I'm just going to keep drinking hot sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 15:13:58 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > Actually, now that I look again at the photo, I see that the > Giant Codpiece model (on the left) has some features on the > codpiece that resemble a squarish smiley face. They had another model that had a giant penis where its head should have been, but David Cronenberg drove off in it while Roger Corman wished he could have done that. And when he parked it Roger Daltrey sat on it. And rotated. He got stuck up there until Takashi Miike came along and cut him free in close-up. And then Stanley Kubrick showed up and just stared at it for so long that Andy Warhol started tapping his foot impatiently. Then Peter Greenaway crazy-glued snails to it but David Cronenberg made each of them turn into another penis and the cycle began anew. > Just in case people don't realize that the giant mass extending > from the crotch of the anthropomorphic robot is supposed to > represent the driver's exaggerated loins, they expicitly label it > as "Mr. Happy." Using an ideogram, for people who don't read English. *Ahem* this is the Internet, they're called "emoticons". Around here, ideograms only come in three flavors: Smileys, frowneys, and winky-winkys. Maybe if you used your special crayon to draw in the missing details of the robot's crotch it could be a Winky Dink. And then you would be having the fun. Because if you don't do it you will not be having the fun. And now, here's Tony Clifton beating up the Muppets! Or is it the Monkees? Who cares, let's just enjoy it. > They also have no bumper protecting this giant penile front fender, > which protudes so much that it pretty much guarantees the driver is > going to plow it into everything. Never mind that. Write me a Stanley Kubrick movie in which Tony Clifton plays Winky Dink. -- K. "Oh no, Winky is trapped inside your 1950s TV screen! Kids, get a sledgehammer to let him out!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 16:40:27 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > http://images.ibsys.com/2004/1206/3974007.jpg > > (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/3974007.jpg ) > > > > From left to right, I present: > > > > The Toyota Toiletera! > > I really hope the four sections allow the "driver" to latch onto things. > That or they seal up, so that he can burst forward from his vehicle like a > face hugger in the event of an accident. So, you want it to have an ejector seat powered by a coiled-up H.R. Giger-designed goopy biomechanical spine covered in coccyxes each of which is covered with teeth dripping with okra slime? I think they were going for more of a Sorayama look than a Giger look, though if any of their drivers is caught sucking on a tube of oil paint we can throw in Stanislaw Fernandes too. Also at least one of them should be standing with their face behind a giant hovering apple in front of some zero-gravity blobs of marshmallow Fluff because Magritte and Tanguy are so cool. > > The Toyota Renfestia! > > I dunno, this looks more like it's supposed to be the Caterpillar from > Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" Is he sucking on a hookah? There does > appear to be something in his mouth. That's just glare from his salad-bar-style sneeze guard. A side view: http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20041203/i/r3369296797.jpg (also at http://www.kibo.com/pix/120304toyotaconcept4.jpg ) > Love the frosting on the kneepads. Maybe he was trying to put it on his boots in order to encourage those prostrating themselves before his giant robo-throne to lick a little harder. > > And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! > > More like TWO Tronfanboymobiles smashed into one. It can turn into two independent lightcycles, and in addition, just like any other Japanese car, it can turn into a giant killer robot, but just like any other Japanese transforming robot, the operator gets pulped in the process because there's always that stage where you have to shove the robot's head down to turn it back into a car with no robot head on top. > Also, are those hubcaps made from giant iMac mice? As to why the wheels have Pac-Man hubcaps, science will never be able to explain why the Japanese are unduly aroused by the sight of Pac-Man. > Plus, those glowing things near the front wheels (I'm guessing > they're supposed to be headlights) look like they're supposed > to spray sparklers all over Gene Barry. Can't a week go by without me needing to declare something new the GAYEST MARTIAN INVASION EVER? -- K. Men are from Mars, gay Martians are from Japan. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 17:16:33 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, you want it to have an ejector seat powered by a coiled-up > > H.R. Giger-designed goopy biomechanical spine covered in coccyxes each > > of which is covered with teeth dripping with okra slime? > > Well sure... it would grab people's attention at least, which is what all > silly new vehicles at car shows are supposed to do. That can't be true, because (a) people ignored the last few "Alien" movies, especially the one based on the comic book based on the old Atari game, and (b) if the cars themselves were supposed to be the focus of attention, why would they need to have guys dressed as Glittery Space Knights With Poofy Pink Manes You Can Comb standing next to them? Also, most people don't seem to like okra slime. If they did, McDonalds would start selling a ruined version of it made from fish eyeballs and fish earwax. Aren't you glad Toyota doesn't own any hamburger restaurants? Brr. -- K. Change the Space Knight from silver with a pink plume to shiny black with a maroon plume and I'll buy one of the cars if he's included. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 16:18:45 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > From left to right, I present: > > > > The Toyota Toiletera! > > > > The Toyota Renfestia! > > > > And the Toyota Tronfanboymobile! > > Oh, but it gets WORSE. They're gonna put on a SHOW! > > > > "The Main Show, titled 'MOVE, LIVE,' will feature a theme of > 'In Movement is Freedom. In Movement is Life.' Single passenger > 'i-unit' concept vehicles and a mountable, walking 'i-foot' robot > will join with dancers in a 'mobility performance' that will > introduce the concepts of "The Wonders of Living and Moving > Freely' and 'The New Relationship Between People and Vehicles.' > A 360-degree large screen will surround the audience and actors, > and, together with other stage equipment, present the audience > with scenes of nature and tomorrow's society." Yeah, I saw that, complete with tacky artist's conception of what would happen if the cast of "Tron" attempted to re-enact the "Carousel" scene from "Logan's Run" while singing a number from "Carousel". It's a world of butterflies and rainbows and silk and people hanging by their unitards. The research I did in preparing my scholarly report on the Toyota Toiletrolley also turned up a gallery of photos from the trade show, including a good look at the costumes of the Glitter Knight and his sister, Glitter Buffy (Glitter Mr. French sold separately): http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=events/tc/120304toyotaconcept&a=&tmpl=sl&ns=&l=1&e=5 (mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/120304toyotaconcept5.jpg ) > [...] > More details about the i-foot here: > > > > [Preceded by a description of the music playing robots along with > a, uh, 'DJ Robot' '...currently under development as a robot that > communicates with people, will appear on stage as a DJ, carrying > on a dialogue with the emcee.' > > Yeah, there are too many DJs toiling thanklessly in hot, dark clubs, > all too often crippled or killed by fog or soap suds. Their dealers > wailing and rending their garments at yet another senseless loss. Last night, in my local hot, dark club, there was a power failure (circa 3am), and I was quite happy that it made the annoying music go away. The power failure also made things less dark (the emergency lighting was considerably brighter than the regular lighting, normally about the only light source in the place is the video poker machine everyone ignores.) I dislike club DJs because they seem to think that the main function of a DJ is to turn up that volume knob as high as it'll go to prevent all conversation. There's not much point to paying someone just to drop the needle on CDs and death-grip that volume knob. Why not just save money and let the bartender be the one who pushes "play" on the CD player? I bet the bartenders would have better taste (and know the club's clientele's taste better) than most DJs, too. > Not to mention the fundamental misinterpretation of the concept > of a DJ. Sounds more like a robotic Jeff Altman or Mie or Kei or... > Who was the emcee on that show?] Jeff Altman. The only good thing I can say about that show is that it made it clear that under the right circumstances, Jim Varney could be the funniest one in an ensemble cast. When Jim Varney's your standout performer, you know your cast sucks. On the other hand, either Mie or Kei was cute from certain camera angles, but I've forgotten which of the gals and which camera angles. The only song they ever did that didn't make my ears bleed was the time they sang their big Japanese-language hit, "Monster" (with Robby the Robot!) because all their attempts at singing in English were, to put it tactfully, more awkward than Sid Krofft after being served a plate of raw veal. Almost as awkward as Mie's and Kei's faces during the scenes where they had to get into a hot tub with Jeff Altman. > All this is happening at EXPO 2005, where they will be implementing: > > 'Robot Project: We Live in the Robot Age > An Opportunity to Encounter Diverse Robots' > > [NO ROBOT BUSSING! NO ROBOT BUSSING! NO ROBOT BUSSING!] > > > > 'Five types of robots will be working at the Expo: > > * Sanitation robots will clean exterior floors and collect and > replace garbage bins; > * Security robots enable remote surveillance, can detect fire, > and give simple directions; > * Guide robots will guide visitors in four languages; > * Child-care robots will play and talk with children; > * Next-generation wheelchair robots will transport visitors, > avoiding obstacles.' > > I'm afraid I'm not compentent enough to give this the commentary it > deserves. Other types of robots they should have at trade shows: * Pretzel robots that can sell pretzels, and answer limited questions about mustard and guide visitors to the relish tray. * Hand-stamping robots that will stamp visitors' hands. (They will be twenty feet tall so they can raise their boots high enough.) * Public relations drones that can tell us how awesome all the other drones are, and answer limited questions about whether the awesometasticness of Toyota cars is indeed awesometastic. * Prostibots for the visiting corporate purchasing executives. * And one Stanislaw Lembot (translated by the Michael Kandelbot) to make up words like "prostibots", as well as suppressing all mention of wurches and zits. -- K. BENDER IS SO GREAT ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese cars... of the future! Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 14:54:29 -0500 Jack Curry (Jack Currydeletethis@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How come the dork on > > the left doesn't get > > an awesomely cool > > costume like the > > other two dorks? > > Left = Urinal > Center = Toilet > Right = Pool toy Yes, I know the costumes are ridiculous, but what do you think the _cars_ look like? Also, shouldn't you be busy curing Alzheimer's? After all, you are a better beta-amyloid aggregation inhibitor than either Tylenol or Nuprin according to the Journal of Biological Chemistry. -- K. Those of you who don't like Indian food are not only all going to die of Alzheimer's, but also you're already half-dead if you don't know the joy of a really zippy curry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Foods some reporter thinks are too unpretentious Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 19:09:28 -0500 [www.latimes.com] -> -> This year's food and drink Hall of Shame -> -> By Valli Herman -> Times Staff Writer -> December 29, 2004 -> -> Creativity should be applauded. But sometimes heckling seems more -> appropriate. 2004 was a year that spawned hundreds of ridiculous -> new food and drink products and ideas, from the low carb to the -> highly questionable. It was difficult to choose, but here are the -> worst offenders. -> -> Jalape–o peanut butter in a tube: Who could resist? PB n' Go -> portable peanut butter comes in two other disgusting flavors, -> Cinnamon Surprise and Carmel-Caramel crunch. This must make Mr. -> Peanut sad. What's wrong with jalape–o plus peanut butter? And the tube just sweetens the deal because you can squeeze it right into your mouth. But the Camel-Caramel one does sound gross, as does any food product whose name ends with "Surprise". -> Blue 'Jell-O' shots: "Gather a group of fun, adventurous adults," -> says the bottle, "place them in a happening social scene" and feed -> them gelatinous alcohol. Wet Willy's Edible Drink is a batch of -> 24-proof, single-serving "adult gelatin cocktails" that you chill -> to turn into bright-yellow or screaming-blue wiggly booze cubes. -> Sure to be a hit at your next tailgate party or hazing ritual. I've never understood why a lot of people think blue Jell-O and Kool-Aid and Gatorade are gross compared to the other flavors. It's not as if the others are extracted directly from organic tea leaves. -> The un-gin: If you like gin but hate juniper, drink vodka. Or pick -> up a bottle of Damrak gin. Its makers have tweaked the recipe, -> amplifying the flavors of lemon, orange and coriander and cutting -> back the juniper, the thing that makes gin gin. No surprise that -> they're selling it as "the new vodka." I know nothing about such beverages. I think jalape–o peanut butter should be the new vodka. -> Pet food that you'll love to eat too: Liv-a-Littles dog treats are -> made with ingredients approved for human consumption, says the -> news release, as "a low-carb snack that you and your pup can chew -> on." At last, dog breath can be yours. And only $8.99 for 3 -> ounces. Do they come in bacon? I like bacon. And so does the imaginary dog I'd tell the supermarket clerk I'd be buying these for. -> Hummus also-ran: At the Kosherfest trade show in October, -> Mediterranean food-maker Sabra hired a professional sand sculptor -> to mold busts of Sen. John Kerry and President Bush entirely out -> of hummus. OK, but can you make Rumsfeld out of baba ghanouj? Forget hummus -- the real Senator Kerry's face is actually made of humus. -> Strawberry daiquiri-to-go: Lt. Blender's Strawberry Daiquiri in a -> Bag directs you to pour in booze to the line indicated, shake to -> mix it up with the powdered fruity stuff in there, add water, -> freeze and squeeze yourself some alcoholic slush. It's like Good -> Seasons salad dressing mix for the frozen-margarita set, packaged -> up in a garish plastic bota bag. What's a "bota bag"? Is that like an enema bag except endorsed by the American Amateur Bartender Association as safe for mixing pink stuff in? -> Designer ice: Now we know why Tom Ford left Gucci, the Italian -> fashion house he once helped resurrect from death-by-logo-overexposure: -> Gucci ice cube trays. The $60 set of two rubber trays pops out G-logo -> ice -- the perfect thing to chill down the un-gin. I'll buy some of these letter-shaped ice cube trays if I ever plan to throw a party so boring that guests will be reading their ice cubes. -> Herb paste in a tube: Tired of that fresh taste of just-snipped -> herbs? Try Gourmet Garden lemon grass herb blend in a tube. -> Augmented with sunflower oil, dextrose, whey, sodium lactate, -> glycerin, fructose, lactose, salt, sodium ascorbate, citric acid -> and xanthan gum, it nevertheless "must be kept refrigerated," -> according to the label. That's nothing. Tom's Of Maine makes a ginger-flavored toothpaste, and, more bizarrely, a fennel-flavored toothpaste. Apparently there is no such thing as natural wintergreen or peppermint oil. The cosmetics and toiletry section of natural-food stores is just the place to be if you're the sort of person who says, "MMM, MYRRH!" Me, I want jalape–o toothpaste, or better yet, habanero. -> Slow Cooker Helper pot roast flavor: Just "add beef roast." -> "Real vegetables included." Need we say more? I demand fake vegetables. They'd be like real vegetables but I wouldn't have to inspect them for rotten spots or bugs. They'd probably taste at leaat as good as those cubes of orange and green kitchen sponges they were always eating on "Star Trek". -- K. Mmm, bug-free spongetti. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foods some reporter thinks are too unpretentious Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 15:45:03 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Me, I want jalape–o toothpaste, or better yet, habanero. > > > > But what about curry toothpaste? Not only will it stop cavities and > > prevent enamel loss if you get radiation poisoning, but some studies > > show that curry toothpaste can grow new teeth! > > > > Of course, your mouth will be filled with tiny doots since curry > > toothpaste gives the Cavity Creeps really nasty cases of indigestion. > > It's like a potty in your mouth and everyone's invited! Oh, don't forget to put on your supersonic sneakers, Martha Raye, if you're goin' to the potty tonight. Now go get back in your giant jukebox with Klapaucius and Trurl. Oh no, you're in the wrong one -- I said "giant jukebox", not "The Giant Jokebox"! Augh! Now we have to listen to the wit and wisdom of comedic blackouts from a barely-animated Jughead which always end with the other person stiffly rotating 45 degrees backwards and then sliding out of frame! "Jughead, why are you late for school?" "I washed too long!" (ROTATE AND SLIDE) Please get out of the Giant Jokebox and go back to whatever the hell fucked-up dimension the Bugaloos live in. That was a much less disturbing show, except for the accents and the tough guy dressed as a ladybug. Also, I called you Martha Raye. Ha ha! You're now best-known for a series of denture commercials that were so endless they forced everyone to forget you may have ever actually been an actress! But that's okay, I remember that you were on "The Bugaloos" before your career went downhill. -- K. I want curry toothpaste. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pirate hat dissed Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005 22:07:54 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My pirate hat, though it had the Bucaneers team logo on it, was NOT BOUGHT Are you sure it's a Tampa Bay hat? Looks more like you've got a souvenir from the Butte Pirates on your hands. > P.S. AOL doesn't like A.R.K. it doesn't want to show my messages, > all the other sex newsgorups I read work fine Yeah, but a lot of the hetero ones are broken. Anyway, I don't know why anyone would dis your little plastic pirate hat. Did you have the string tied neatly under your chin? -- K. How's the white plastic egg-shaped Toyota working out? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Yay! Indefinite detention without charges or representation! Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 15:35:27 -0500 From the "Oh, shit, the Founding Fathers will be pissed" department... [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> Long-Term Plan Sought For Terror Suspects -> -> By Dana Priest -> Washington Post Staff Writer -> -> Administration officials are preparing long-range plans for -> indefinitely imprisoning suspected terrorists whom they do not -> want to set free or turn over to courts in the United States or -> other countries, according to intelligence, defense and diplomatic -> officials. -> -> The Pentagon and the CIA have asked the White House to decide on a -> more permanent approach for potentially lifetime detentions, -> including for hundreds of people now in military and CIA custody -> whom the government does not have enough evidence to charge in -> courts. Is it my imagination, or does this smell like a really weird sitcom premise? I can see the pitch now: "It's like Franz Kafka meets 'Three's Company'! And the show can run forever because once the government disappears you, you stay disappeared real good!" -> The outcome of the review, which also involves the State -> Department, would also affect those expected to be captured in the -> course of future counterterrorism operations. -> -> "We've been operating in the moment because that's what has been -> required," said a senior administration official involved in the -> discussions, who said the current detention system has strained -> relations between the United States and other countries. "Now we -> can take a breath. We have the ability and need to look at -> long-term solutions." One can only hope there is no "senior administration official" named Guillotin. -> One proposal under review is the transfer of large numbers of -> Afghan, Saudi and Yemeni detainees from the military's Guantanamo -> Bay, Cuba, detention center into new U.S.-built prisons in their -> home countries. The prisons would be operated by those countries, -> but the State Department, where this idea originated, would ask -> them to abide by recognized human rights standards and would -> monitor compliance, the senior administration official said. Oh boy, franchising! Soon America will operate a McDonalds and a torture facility in every foreign country! ...man, I hate McDonalds. -> As part of a solution, the Defense Department, which holds 500 -> prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, plans to ask Congress for $25 million -> to build a 200-bed prison to hold detainees who are unlikely to -> ever go through a military tribunal for lack of evidence, -> according to defense officials. Well, if I ever get accused of anything (let's say I snap and go postal in K-Mart, mowing down fat people with two Uzis in each hand) everything I've ever posted to alt.religion.kibology can be considered evidence, and since the government wants to indefinitely disappear people without any evidence, they'll have to let me go for having, as the saying goes, SO MUCH EVIDENCE IT IS ALL OVER YOUR SCREEN! -> The new prison, dubbed Camp 6, "Where is Camp 1?" "You are in Camp 6. Be seeing you!" (then a giant balloon eats your face) -> would allow inmates more comfort and freedom than they have now, -> and would be designed for prisoners the government believes have -> no more intelligence to share, the officials said. Uh oh. I think we've seen the last of Archimedes Plutonium. -> It would be modeled on a U.S. prison and would allow socializing -> among inmates. Well, if you can count glory holes as socializing. I suppose you have to, because they lead to "social diseases". -> "Since global war on terror is a long-term effort, it makes sense -> for us to be looking at solutions for long-term problems," said -> Bryan Whitman, a Pentagon spokesman. "This has been evolutionary, -> but we are at a point in time where we have to say, 'How do you -> deal with them in the long term?' " I say the Ludovico treatment. Take 'em to the nearest Loews Cinema and strap them into the front row, with lidlocks on their glazzies, until "Baby Geniuses 2" or, horror of horrors, "The Cat In The Hat" makes them incapable of ever again doing evil because their brain's dribbled out through their ears. -> The administration considers its toughest detention problem to -> involve the prisoners held by the CIA. The CIA has been scurrying -> since Sept. 11, 2001, to find secure locations abroad where it -> could detain and interrogate captives without risk of discovery, -> and without having to give them access to legal proceedings. How about inside the abandoned Battersea Power Station? That would be perfect if they could just figure out a way to keep Ninja Robert DeNiro from rappelling down inside the cooling tower. Also, they'd need to order a lot of those creepy baby masks. -> Little is known about the CIA's captives, the conditions under -> which they are kept -- or the procedures used to decide how long -> they are held or when they may be freed. That has prompted -> criticism from human rights groups, and from some in Congress and -> the administration, who say the lack of scrutiny or oversight -> creates an unacceptable risk of abuse. Lifetime detention with no scrutiny or oversight? Under what circumstances is this considered a "risk" of abuse and not a "guarantee"? Philip Zimbardo must be spinning in his grave! -> Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif.), vice chairman of the House -> intelligence committee who has received classified briefings on -> the CIA's detainees and interrogation methods, said that given the -> long-term nature of the detention situation, "I think there should -> be a public debate about whether the entire system should be secret. The line from "Dr. Strangelove" -- "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room!" -- is no longer the funniest thing Terry Southern ever wrote. I'm glad to see he's still working, despite being at least twice as dead as Zimbardo. Who said irony was dead? It's just been under double-secret lifetime probation! -> "The details about the system may need to remain secret," Harman -> said. At the least, she said, detainees should be registered so -> that their treatment can be tracked and monitored within the -> government. "This is complicated. We don't want to set up a -> bureaucracy that ends up making it impossible to protect sources -> and informants who operate within the groups we want to penetrate." ...again with the glory holes. Sigh. Get your minds out of the gutter, those of you planning to secretly keep people in cages in the country's basement forever. -> The CIA is believed to be holding fewer than three dozen al Qaeda -> leaders in prison. The agency holds most, if not all, of the top -> captured al Qaeda leaders, including Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Ramzi -> Binalshibh, Abu Zubaida and the lead Southeast Asia terrorist, -> Nurjaman Riduan Isamuddin, known as Hambali. -> -> CIA detention facilities have been located on an off-limits corner -> of the Bagram air base in Afghanistan, on ships at sea (part of the Sea Org) -> and on Britain's Diego Garcia island in the Indian Ocean. -> The Washington Post reported last month that the CIA has also -> maintained a facility within the Pentagon's Guantanamo Bay complex, -> though it is unclear whether it is still in use. Just like Battersea Power Station. -> In contrast to the CIA, the military produced and declassified -> hundreds of pages of documents about its detention and -> interrogation procedures after the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. And they produced some really good DVDs, too. No, wait, that was just porn I bought. Never mind. -> And the military detainees are guaranteed access to the International -> Committee of the Red Cross and, as a result of a U.S. Supreme -> Court ruling, have the right to challenge their imprisonment in -> federal court. Oh, yeah. When they're putting wires on your testicles, you can always make them stop by saying "SUPREMECOURTSUPREMECOURTSUPREMECOURT" in between those sixty-Hertz shocks. (Just be careful not to say that into a mirror, or Mary Worth will come and torture you by reading boring comic strips aloud.) -> But no public hearings in Congress have been held on CIA detention -> practices, and congressional officials say CIA briefings on the -> subject have been too superficial and were limited to the chairman -> and vice chairman of the House and Senate intelligence committees. -> -> The CIA had floated a proposal to build an isolated prison with -> the intent of keeping it secret, one intelligence official said. -> That was dismissed immediately as impractical. You know, somewhere in the CIA, there are people who actually know how to do this scary stuff secretly. But I'm sure that'll never happen because the CIA is demonstrating that it asks nicely for permission before building secret prison facilities in undisclosed locations in international waters and/or in outer space. -> One approach used by the CIA has been to transfer captives it -> picks up abroad to third countries willing to hold them -> indefinitely and without public proceedings. The transfers, called -> "renditions," depend on arrangements between the United States and -> other countries, such as Egypt, Jordan and Afghanistan, that agree -> to have local security services hold certain terror suspects in -> their facilities for interrogation by CIA and foreign liaison -> officers. It's convenient that we can give our secret prisoners to countries that practice torture more than we do. That would be three countries out of 200. "I'm gonna give you such a rendition -- I'll rendify you from limb to limb!" -> The practice has been criticized by civil liberties groups and -> others, who point out that some of the countries have human rights -> records that are criticized by the State Department in annual reports. Yeah, they're not as nice as our "Most Favored Nation" friends in Communist China. -> Renditions originated in the 1990s as a way of picking up -> criminals abroad, such as drug kingpins, and delivering them to -> courts in the United States or other countries. Since 2001, the -> practice has been used to make certain detainees do not go to -> court or go back on the streets, officials said. And if the official's can't do make a sentence do not garbled, what are the of chances for not un-detention of un-criminals? -> "The whole idea has become a corruption of renditions," said one -> CIA officer who has been involved in the practice. "It's not -> rendering to justice, it's kidnapping." Well, there's bad kidnapping, and then there's good kidnapping, like when your frat buddies blindfold you and take you on the subway to the whorehouse for your birthday gift. So all we have to do is forcibly join these captives to fraternities, and then we can give them the good type of kidnapping, and also, it won't be torture, it'll be hazing, and hazing must be okay because it happens every day. -> But top intelligence officials and other experts, including former -> CIA director George J. Tenet in his testimony before Congress, say -> renditions are an effective method of disrupting terrorist cells -> and persuading detainees to reveal information. He explained, "It's almost as effective as method as that time I strapped that cage of rats onto the guy's face." -> "Renditions are the most effective way to hold people," said Rohan -> Gunaratna, author of "Inside al Qaeda: Global Network of Terror." -> "The threat of sending someone to one of these countries is very -> important. In Europe, the custodial interrogations have yielded -> almost nothing" because they do not use the threat of sending -> detainees to a country where they are likely to be tortured. The Washington Post article abruptly ended here, probably because the writer suddenly had to go on vacation forever to an undisclosed location somewhere underneath Afghanistan. -- K. P.S.: SUPREMECOURTSUPREMECOURTSUPREMECOURT ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'd buy that for a dollar! Date: Sun, 02 Jan 2005 16:10:53 -0500 [www.news24.com] -> -> Mouse blamed for car crash -> -> Nagel -- A mouse was blamed for a two-car accident in southern -> Germany -- after having crawled up a motorist's trousers. -> -> As the rodent squirmed up his inside thigh, the driver slammed on -> the brakes, causing a rear-end collision with a car driven by a -> female motorist. -> -> When the woman got out to give him a piece of her mind, the man -> opened his trousers and hauled out the wriggling mouse, according -> to a police spokesperson. Oh, yeah, there's no way a guy would ever ram a woman's car as a pretext just to show her his trouser mouse. Do all men in Germany get their dating tips from David Cronenberg? If so, I don't want to know in what orifice the arresting officer was hiding his concealed pistol. In any case, how are we supposed to believe the mouse got into the car? Especially given that all German cars are air-tight. Even the convertibles. -- K. So what happened next? Someone please write me a story about the further adventures of German Pervert's Trouser Mouse And New Girlfriend. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Family Edition"? Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 07:01:58 -0500 The DVD release of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" (for sale to the public tomorrow) says it's the "Family Edition". I can't find any other editions. They must have all been suppressed. Aside from the even more revolting "Adults-Only NAMBLA Edition", what other editions of "Baby Geniuses 2" never got released? "Animated Edition"? "Scientology Edition"? "All-Fart Smellovision Edition"? "Thermian Language Edition"? "Interactive Edition With Crotch-Kickin' Action"? "Scott Baio Has Been Digitally Replaced With Donny Most Edition"? "Takashi Miike Kills Everyone Associated With Making This Movie Edition"? Below "Family Edition", it says "America's Favorite Talking Babies Are Back!" Who are America's least favorite talking babies? And who are other countries' favorite talking babies? -- K. Scott Baio has had an amazing career, going from being one of the dolled-up kids in a film for pedophiles ("Bugsy Malone") to being the daddy in one of the new generation of pedophile films. Just think, in twenty years he'll be playing the foxy grandpa in a third wave of movies about toddlers in whore makeup. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2005 21:14:19 -0500 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Thieves take brain remote control -> -> A medical device which allows a woman to sleep by switching off an -> implant in her brain has been stolen. Oh no! It's just like when Mr. Bickley became a kleptomaniac for the duration of one episode just so he could steal Mork's Orkan Age Machine to turn him into a chicken! Except even less funny! -> Rita Carlisle, 53, from Knaphill, Surrey, suffers from a condition -> called essential tremor. -> -> The stolen remote control gadget sends out pulses to calm the -> condition and can be switched off so she can rest. -> -> Ms Carlisle, who now struggles to sleep, was carrying the device -> and 600 pounds cash in a handbag which was stolen in Farnborough, -> Hants, on 23 December. If she had 600 pounds (circa $1140) spending money just lying around, shouldn't she have spent $50 of it on a spare remote control for the thing that keeps her from going insane and turning into Christian Bale in "The Machinist"? -> Christmas 'ruined' -> -> She said: "I'm extremely tired, I'm getting three to four hours' -> sleep a night, I can't turn the machine off. "And now every time I have a seizure, I have an urge to stab Michael Crichton fifty times and then hire David Spade to work at my fashion magazine." (That novel, by the way, was my first indication that Michael Crichton might be a major bozo, in terms of his belief that "epileptic" meant "serial killer". And people wonder why he never graduated from medical school...) -> "I had my second operation on 13 December and it was my first -> outing after leaving hospital. -> -> "I just wish the people who stole the machine would give it back. -> -> "They have totally ruined Christmas and the New Year. There was -> 600 pounds in my bag as well so they have had a good Christmas out -> of me." -> -> Ms Carlisle says she is hopeful, but not certain, that the hospital -> caring for her -- the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery -> in central London -- will be able to replace the device. One would hope such things are designed with the foresight that, perhaps, these little gadgets will get lost, broken, and/or stolen. So presumably all the remote controls are interchangeable, or at least only use one of two or three frequencies, just like garage-door openers. This raises the possibility of a wacky sitcom where two of these people share an apartment but they have different job schedules and every time either of them goes to bed, pushing the button also makes the other one fall asleep at the office. It could star Dick van Dyke and Magnus Scheving! -> Police appeal -> -> It was inside a grey and black canvas pouch, about the size of a -> pencil case. -> -> The box, made by Medtronic, had four grey buttons and two blue -> buttons on it and has the serial number 7436. Hey, I recently stole a gray and black pouch, sort of pencil-case size, with a Medtronic gadget inside with four gray buttons and two blue buttons and -- oh, wait, this one's serial number 7435. Never mind, I'll just throw it away. -> Hampshire Police appealed for the thief to let them know where it is. -> -> A spokesman said: "It would be of little use to anyone else." -> -> The handbag was stolen at Asda supermarket in Farnborough. I guess she brought her brain-switcher-offer along just in case she needed to take a nap in the vegetable aisle. -> Anyone with information was asked to call Pc Robin Ellis on -> 0845 045 45 45 or Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555111. What if I want to make a suggestion about how the National 'Ealth Service should give her two of these things and handcuff one to her wrist and nail the other to her bedpost? -- K. I heard of another case where the doctors accidentally implanted a Tickle Me Elmo doll in a woman's brain, and whenever someone tickled her, she had to dance "YMCA". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:00:52 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Thieves take brain remote control > > > > Oh no! It's just like when Mr. Bickley became a > > kleptomaniac for the duration of one episode just so he > > could steal Mork's Orkan Age Machine to turn him into a > > chicken! Except even less funny! > > I don't understand any of the references here. Why isn't Kibo > referring instead to the improbable plot device (and remote-control > device) from Milo Manara's porn toon series "Le Declic"? > > Or is that just too obvious-bagly a reference? You see, once upon a time, there was a TV series called "Love American Style" which was about the erotic properties of big cartoon hearts filled with stock footage of fireworks. Every episode was titled "Love And The ______", so Garry Marshall wrote an episode called "Love And The Happy Day". It starred Ron Howard and Anson Williams and it was about how everything was nice all the time in the imaginary version of the Fifties. He liked it so much he shopped it around and tried to get some network to let him make a TV series out of it, but nobody wanted it. Then some guy named George Lucas was told by Francis Ford Coppola that, as penance for his first movie ("THX-1138") nearly bankrupting American Zoetrope, he had to make the most commercial movie possible, so he made a movie ("American Graffiti") about how everything was nice all the time in the imaginary version of the Fifties, and the only crisis all summer was that nobody could figure out whether Wolfman Jack's radio intros were live or taped. It also starred Ron Howard and was a big hit. So, suddenly, every TV network wanted to put Garry Marshall's show on the air, provided he could make it even more like the movie that had been just like it, so the series ("Happy Days") turned out to use the same theme music ("Rock Around The Clock") as the movie and the same style of lettering in the title sequence and even added an imitation of a minor character from the movie -- "Bob Rafe" (Harrison Ford) became "Fonzie" (Henry Winkler). Well, "Happy Days" became a huge hit, and everyone loved the super-squeaky-clean nice-guy outlaw biker Fonzie, despite the fact that anyone over the age of eight could figure out that the Fifties weren't happy touchy-feely times where friendly motorcyclists helped nerds get dates. This show, which was a knockoff of the movie which was a knockoff of it, was such a big hit that Garry Marshall knew he could get away with creating arbitrary spin-offs of it. ("Laverne & Shirley" was the first of three that went to series.) Marshall's son saw "Star Wars" and told his father that "Happy Days" would be better if it were just like "Star Wars", so he immediately did a spin-off pilot where some unknown coked-up hack comic (Robin Williams) showed up in an old jumpsuit from "Star Trek" (Colonel Green's uniform from "The Savage Curtain") with a helmet from "The Outer Limits" (Michal Ansara's lid from "Soldier".) He ran around talking like Alvin And The Spastic Chipmunks and could zap people with his finger and made sardonic comments about how unrealistic this fantasy version of the 1950s was ("They all seem to block out one thing... Senator McCarthy.") His spin-off show, "Mork & Mindy", became another huge hit. Tom Poston, who has made an entire career out of seeming slightly drunker and stupider than he is, played Mork's downstairs neighbor, Mr. Bickley. A typically contrived episode involved Mr. Bickley suddenly developing kleptomania (which was then cured in 24 minutes 30 seconds when it turned out he just needed a friend, and the events were never mentioned again.) He stole Mork's "Orkan Age Machine", which was a pocket calculator which really worked, and when Mr. Bickley subtracted numbers with it Mork started acting like a whiny toddler, and then when he did a square root Mork regressed to acting like the life forms his people had evolved from (chickens.) And this is why when I yell "Whoa, shazbot!" while wearing my leather jacket, people who grew up in the late 1970s get very confused about whether I am a refugee from the original show or its second spinoff. Truth be told, my favorite leather jacket is the biker-style one Squiggy wore on "Laverne & Shirley" (the first spinoff), I only wear the Fonzie-ish bomber jacket in the summer when it's too hot for the heavier jacket, so I guess I could be either the original show or one of its first two spinoffs. But no fucking way am I "Joanie Loves Chachi" or that failed pilot for a "Laverne & Shirley" spinoff (aired as the final episode) where Carmine moved to New York and joined a troupe of hippies in the original cast of "Hair". And that's why I haven't seen "Le Declic". Because cartoons are stupid. I demand serious live-action entertainment, especially if it's about a spaz in a jumpsuit running around sitting on his own face. -- K. Obvious Bagly was the wacky neighbor on Lucille Ball's 1987 series, "Enough Lucy". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 15:26:03 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > style of lettering in the title sequence and even added an > > imitation of a minor character from the movie -- "Bob Rafe" > > (Harrison Ford) became "Fonzie" (Henry Winkler). > > You're gonna need to email a correction to IMDB for their credits > listing. Did I get the character names mixed up or something? It's been a long time since I've seen anything with Harrison Ford where he's not twirling a whip, or any movies by George Lucas where there aren't chrome cops with cattle prods. I forgot to fack-check that sentence because I was more worried about whether it's spelled "Graffiti" or "Grafitti" or "Graffitti". But then I remembered my mnemonic -- that it's one of the few words where a typographer gets to use that cool "ffi" ligature -- so I didn't have to dictionary that word. How did I get "Rafe" from "Falfa"? (Quick, someone call song title on that.) By the way, the woman whose brain thing got stolen got a new one. -- K. If "Happy Days" had run another year, I bet Fonzie would have gotten a brain tumor, once the writers forgot about the time Chachi had diabetes for one week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 01:24:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > pilot where some unknown coked-up hack comic (Robin Williams) > > showed up in an old jumpsuit from "Star Trek" (Colonel Green's > > uniform from "The Savage Curtain") with a helmet from "The Outer > > Limits" (Michal Ansara's lid from "Soldier".) > > The most painful thing for me to watch is the Mork episode of "Happy > Days". Actually, I think there was more than one episode, but it hurts me > too much to look it up. You can actually see Ron Howard trying not to > vomit when he addresses Robin Williams. There were two "Happy Days" episodes with Mork (the second Mork referred to as a "spin-on", unless you count the Mystery Episode I'll describe below... > The Star Trek uniform had to have just been the inspiration for the > outfit, because the aluminum foil iron-on decal triangle was pristine and > uncracked when Williams wore the jumpsuit. If it was the actual jumpsuit > from Star Trek, that would make the Mork character 1/1,000,000th cool, > which is unacceptable. It was the actual jumpsuit, though the triangle was added. The silly rickrack around that Nehru collar was on the original. (You really thought they made their own brand new Nehru collar in 1979?) That suit _also_ showed up in a very late "Happy Days" episode where they went to a costume party aboard a yacht. There was not only someone in the red jumpsuit among the extras, but also someone in a Starfleet uniform! It was the most freakadelic collision of fictional universes from different eras possible, all thanks to Paramount's wardrobe warehouse! By the way, a lot of the costumes on "Star Trek" were leftovers from "The Outer Limits", such as the two zoo creatures (not counting the hand-shadows) in "The Cage", and the super-cool spacesuits in "The Tholian Web". So the chain of hand-me-downs is something like this: "The Outer Limits" --> "Star Trek" --> "Happy ---> "Mork & Mindy" \-----------------> Days" <--/ ...resulting in an endless vortex where all costumes from all eras get trapped in the fake 1950s of the 1970s. > > Truth be told, my favorite leather jacket is the biker-style one > > Squiggy wore on "Laverne & Shirley" (the first spinoff), > > That show fucked with me bad. I alternated between crushes on Lenny, > Squiggy, and Laverne. Never Shirley, for whatever reason. Squiggy > ultimately won my undying affection. So the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode with David L. Lander must have really disturbed you. Even more so the "Simpsons" episode where he played Squiggy in the 1850's house. Michael McKean was the more talented of the Lenny & Squiggy. Remember his caricature of John Houseman's "Paper Chase" professor on "Mr. Show"? And his incredible impression of Vincent Price on "Saturday Night Live"? And of course I don't even have to mention "This Is Spinal Tap". Short shameful confession: I may wear a Squiggy-style jacket now, but when I was in seventh grade, I inexplicably wore one of those shiny red sateen windbreakers like Lenny. Blech. -- K. I never had anything with a giant cursive "K" sewn onto the left side. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 15:19:17 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That suit _also_ showed up in a very late "Happy Days" episode where > > they went to a costume party aboard a yacht. There was not only > > someone in the red jumpsuit among the extras, but also someone in > > a Starfleet uniform! > > For your sake, Kibo, how do you keep doing this? Little repressed bits > of pop culture hide in the corners of my brane and you always find them > and scare the living hell out of them. Simple. I just recall them by thinking about the previous time I posted about them. That trick always works. To wit, in October 2002 I said: -> I was watching a "Happy Days" rerun from 1981 set in 1961 and they went -> to a costume party on a boat (the premise was that the captain of the boat -> wanted to join the party and dressed up as a priest, and Fonzie and -> Jennie Piccolo entered as a bride and a groom, and they thought it would -> be fun to have a pretend marriage, but they didn't know that the phony -> priest was really a boat captain and because Lake Michigan is international -> waters they turned out to be really married totally and completely forever, -> so Jennie had to move in with Fonzie, but it turned out that the boat -> wasn't three miles from shore so they weren't really married, ayyyy!) -> and when Fonzie walked into the 1961 party there was an extra wearing a -> red "Star Trek" uniform and I said "EEEEEEEEK" and there was also a -> Mork who wasn't Robin Williams and I said "DOUBLE EEEEEEEEEEEK" and then -> my head exploded and my brain fell out and Fonzie jumped up and down on -> it for a while because I'm not sure whether it's 1961, 1968, 1981, or -> the 23rd century all at the same time and I have lost the ability to -> end sentences. Whoa! What fascinates me about "Happy Days" is that it was on the air for something like ninety-seven years, and it just kept getting worse. If it had been on the air another year, you know they would've cast me as "Replacement Fonzie" or at least "Potsie Junior" in an episode where the entire cast moved to Boston and became computer programmers. > I remember this episode. I remember being a kid and demanding my > parents explain to me why Mork was at the party but not played by > the real Mork but an incredible simulation. "He's just one of Mork's helpers, dear. The real Mork is over in his Fortress Of Shazbotitude, keeping an eye on good little boys and girls because Mork can see you through your toilet. Also late at night he comes out of it and touches all your stuff." > It was in the summer, and I would hop up and down and point at the TV > every time I saw the jumpsuit in the background. My parents were > completely unconcerned. I didn't notice the Starfleet uniform, which > would have probably made my brain melt. > Also, I need you to explain to me just how Mork arrived in the 1950s but > then was suddenly in the late 1970s when he got his own show. Mork could travel in time (but only between series), which he did at the end of his first "Happy Days" episode to beam over to the 1970s. When he returned in his "spin-on" he gave Richie some hints about what life in the future would be like, namely, he implied the President (Carter) was in some way related to peanuts, though they missed the chance to have a hilarious mis-understanding lead to a crazy mix-up where Fonzie has to stop Richie from assassinating Charles Schulz. > >@< >@< >@< v >@< > >@< >@< >@< @ >@< > v >@< >@< >@< ^ >@< > @ >@< >@< >@< >@< > ^ Yay! Sideways candy! And by throwing it on the floor like that, my floorboards have calculated that the value of pi is now 3.4! > > So the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode with David L. Lander > > must have really disturbed you. > > You lie! He was never... ah hell. He was a Ferrengi, wasn't he? That > ain't right. Yes, that episode was the one with the ugly guy who played 3-D "Qix" against Mr. Data by sticking his fingertips into a milking machine. I want that game, especially if it also has the special feature Klaus Maria Brandauer and I would enjoy best. That was the episode where Wesley saved the day with his science project. No, the other one. No, the other other one. The one where he rebuilt the derelict starship's warp engines because his science project happened to contain a big plastic ball filled with stolen antimatter. Wesley really should've been wearing the Mork jumpsuit. -- K. If you're really good, I'll talk about the "Doctor Who" episodes containing "Space: 1999" stock footage again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 00:34:42 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mork could travel in time (but only between series) > > incorrect. > > he could also do it *within* a series. or, at least, travel to alternate > timelines. in one episode which for some reason was not a christmas > episode, mork pulled an "it's a wonderful life" and travelled to the > parellel time stream where mindy never met mork, and THEN temporarily > became a russian foreign exchange student and somehow mucked up everyone's > memories. But that wasn't within the same series. He visited "Mindy Without Mork", a completely different show, and "Moscow On The Hudson", which was a movie of some sort and therefore not a sitcom rerun. > the remote cnntrol that mr. bickley once stole in a fit of plotpointmania > also allowed mork to age himself a whole bunch and date mindy's grandma for > a while, which is sort of perverted and also sort of a form of time travel, > if you think about it hard. Yeah, but what about the time he decided he wanted to look like Conrad Janis and just wore the latex bald cap with the stretch marks? Doesn't Mork's fascination with gluing latex to his face to make himself look older come dangerously close to turning him into "Mrs. Doubtfire"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Tootsie"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Little Big Man"? And wasn't that the same movie as any movie starring Andy Rooney would be if anyone ever let Andy Rooney star in a movie in hideous close-up? I tried to work "Dick Tracy" into the string of references to Dustin Hoffman with stuff glued to his face, but decided to save it up for a later comparison to "Rain Man". And at that time, I'll post the complete script for the Robin Williams version of "Rain Man", where he'd be running around screaming "HOT WATER BURN BABY, SHAZBOT!!!" > I bet mork had something to do with the korean war lasting 20 years, too, > although I can't find the episode where mork dressed up as a backwards > father mulcahey and accidentally married frank burns to radar. Are you still sore over that episode where Radar orders the movie "Bonzo Runs For President"? Or all the ones where Hot Lips has the Farrah 'do? Or how "Happy Days" had a pinball machine from fifteen years in the future? Or how "Alien Autopsy" had a curly phone cord? If so, you should SIT ON IT. Nobody likes a persnickety critic! People only like critics who like everything! After all, there's no other reason why Joyce Kulhawik is still on the air. It was so neat watching her coming so close to ripping Roger Ebert's face off just because he didn't like "Pokemon: The First Movie". Which, I hear, is not the masterpiece she thought it was. I wonder whether she has a favorite "Baby Geniuses" movie. Maybe she stays up late at nights agonizing over which of them is better. -- K. I should make a movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:33:20 -0500 Phil Carmody (thefatphil_demunged@yahoo.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on "The Terminal Man"] > > (That novel, by the way, was my first indication that Michael Crichton > > might be a major bozo, in terms of his belief that "epileptic" meant > > "serial killer". And people wonder why he never graduated from medical > > school...) > > /The Andromeda Strain/ had a perfectly normal epileptic. > Normal apart from her flashing-light-induced epilepsy, that is. Yeah, but word on the street is that he only included him (_him_ if you can read printed matter, _her_ if you're watching it on VHS) to atone for prior sins after hundreds of angry epileptics threatened to kill him over his previous book's depiction of them as violent. The character's petit mal and grand mal seizures (both triggered by rapidly flashing lights) are presented realistically and then another character makes a big speech about how people shouldn't be afraid of epileptics. Basically, he did his research for the second book only because he screwed up so badly in the first book that people told him, "F! Do-over! See me after class!" "The Andromeda Strain" has a twist ending indicating the author couldn't even pass high school biology, in which because the germ mutates, suddenly there's none of the original germ left. Presumably Mr. Crichton is one of those people who goes around saying, "People can't have evolved from apes, because there are still apes!" Don't get me started on "Congo", "Jurassic Park", and his other massively craptacular potboilers in which an idiot puts science in the hands of even bigger idiots who let it go amok because nobody normal shows up and says "Stop this, you're all idiots!" Somehow early in his career he was smart enough to realize that people will think any sort of screwed-up sci-fi novel is factually accurate if the author cites some fictional research papers. "See, this study shows that the most logical thing to do is that whenever there's a power failure, the lab/dinosaurs/orbital death laser made from diamonds should try to kill everyone!" I like a lot of things about "The Andromeda Strain" (and the Robert Wise film is pretty cool) but you gotta admit, when it comes to science and logic, Mr. Crichton's about as well-informed as a LaRouche supporter. Asimov looked up words he didn't understand before using them in sentences, and Asimov's characters always tried to do smart things in crises. Crichton's characters always do exactly the wrong thing because otherwise the book would stop and everyone would go home on page 2. His plots require the characters to build a deathtrap, go into the deathtrap, turn the deathtrap on, and then make a big speech about how science is dangerous because scientists always forget to put emergency exits in the pointless deathtrap they're running around in. -- K. Still, Crichton's a better writer than Lionel Fanthorpe. But Fanthorpe's more entertaining to read. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Michael Crichton (was: "Spock's Brain") Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 20:31:32 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > His plots require the characters to build a deathtrap, go into the > > deathtrap, turn the deathtrap on, and then make a big speech about > > how science is dangerous because scientists always forget to put > > emergency exits in the pointless deathtrap they're running around in. > > WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA? I only hate the parts that are within airport shops. Crichton novels, six-dollar bags of rice crackers, three-dollar refrigerated bagels, barely-microwaved frozen chicken soup, blindfolds that don't work, and robots pretending to be "Cheers" cast members. Otherwise I like America. In fact, my favorite hockey team, the Senators, plays in the capital of North America. -- K. I also like Finland. And ancient Rome. And Pepperland. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cognitive Dissonance at Future Shop Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 00:36:35 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@nospam.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > [...] > > Suburban Gangsta: The streets don't care what you like, and I live on > the streets. > Narrator: Suburban Gangsta's bedroom doesn't contain any roads at all. > It does however have "Bananas in Pyjamas" walpaper. This is the moment in the documentary where 90% of the audience snickers and the other 10% starts quietly sobbing. All good documentaries have at least one scene that conforms to that 90/10 rule, but for it to be a great documentary, it has to be a 10/90. Woo, schadenfreude! Hooray for movies exposing the hollow sadness of the life of the guy sitting next to you! By the way, why is it that every country becomes famous for producing one super-cloying TV show for toddlers? Australia: "Bananas In Pyjamas" England: "Teletubbies" Iceland: "LazyTown" Canada: "Dudley Do-Right" France: "Asterix Loves Tintin" Japan: "Hello Kitty Robot Snuff Death Trapeze" USA: "Knight Rider" What are the special childrens' TV shows in other countries, especially Communist ones and Antarctica? -- K. It's funnier if the wallpaper is actually made by smearing the damn talking bananas all over the walls. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cognitive Dissonance at Future Shop Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 21:56:17 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, why is it that every country becomes famous for producing > > one super-cloying TV show for toddlers? > > This reminds me, I've been meaning to tell you guys that watching > Boobah will help condition your mind for when the Overlords land. I thought that that was "The Prisoner" and "The Avengers" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Are you saying I wasted all that money on DVDs when I should have been preparing myself for a rare non-kinky British invasion? Last week, my TiVo decided it needed to show me every episode of "Teletubbies In The Snow". I put a quick stop to that. Fie on you, flaming baby head! -- K. A couple years ago, it declared I was gay back when I was still straight. Does this mean I'm going to turn into a baby? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wacky Gay Sitcom Hijinks Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:46:22 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Because my company is run by Tardos from Planet Stupid, today was our > New Year's day off holiday. I had planned to be out of town all day but > the weather cancelled plans, so I was stuck at home, bored out of my > freakin' skull. > I managed to stay awake until my regularly scheduled 5:00 Simpsons and > King of the Hill reruns, where I promptly fell asleep under the comfy > comfy afghan, and had extremely crazy dreams which should be turned into > the next hit sitcom on NBC. > I dreamt that I somehow got to hang out with this man who was popularly > and affectionately known as the Gayest Man in the World. He was extremely > nice and fun to hang with Did he let you wear his little plastic pirate hat when you went to the flea market with him and his mom? > and as we went around the city doing wacky funtime things, we would > pick up other worthy fun people, Hey, stop stealing the plot of "Katamari Damacy". > so that by the end of the day we were a large group of funky, hip, > attractive, happenin' young people about town. We were doing things! > We were being cool! > Two young models saved a cute cartoon frog from being run over in the > middle of a busy intersection. We cheered and smiled big and snuggled the > cute froggie. > At one point we showed everyone how cool we were by all going into the > ladies' room in the mall at once -- both men and women. And it was okay > because all the women knew the Gayest Man in the World and it was cool > that he was primping in front of the mirror! Just like Rickie on "My > So-Called Life"! I have no idea who that was. All I know about that show is that allegedly Barbara Bain played the grandmother. > Then we all crashed at someone's house. They had a huge papasan-type > chair and all the ladies snuggled around the Gayest Man in the World, who > I realized was a huge bear of a man. Wait, stop right there. We all know Lots42 is a total gay stereotype, but I refuse to believe he's a bear. Make him one of the ninety-seven other stereotypes or I won't put another quarter in this dream. > And I remember thinking that it would be funny if he wasn't really gay, > since he had all these women just piled on top of him. This better not turn into that old "...eating his way out!" joke. > Then I woke up. > I think this dream would work really well as an original sitcom on > Disney. Screw NBC. But they'd have to change the dancing cartoon frog to a waltzing mouse. Or else rewrite the scene to show a mouse running over the frog before the underwear models can save him from Mickey's balloon-tired deathmobile. -- K. I assume you meant they were underwear models, and not chemistry models. "Look out! The double bonds are spring-loaded!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: [OT] I hate being a Kibologist Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 16:05:59 -0500 rone (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > a.r.k: worst. rave. EVER. you call this a glowstick? Short shameful confession: I want one of those "glow rods" they had in "Demolition Man". They made such a happy, safe noise whenever they fried Rob Schneider's brain. I don't mean I want a prop one, like the one in Tim Ketzer's collection. I mean I want to knock Rob Schneider out harmlessly whenever I feel the need to. Also, all pinball machines should have the same sort of handgrips as "Demolition Man", and all videogames should have the same control yoke as the Army version of "Battlezone" (later used on Atari's "Star Wars".) Where were we? Oh, yeah. That stuff inside glowsticks should be more radioactive. That would teach kids an important lesson of some sort. -- K. I have glowhair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: [OT] I hate being a Kibologist Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:16:14 -0500 zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, all pinball machines should have the same sort of handgrips as > > "Demolition Man", and all videogames should have the same control yoke > > as the Army version of "Battlezone" (later used on Atari's "Star Wars".) > > The first game made for the system attached to such a contoller should > be 'The Quest for the Three Seashells', and it should randomly generate > the ending every time you play it. So that you can never be sure what > they are, just like Stallone. Even though they're probably just some > kind of dull futuristic urine transporter. And where do the three seashells send the urine? Here's a hint: Michael Moore gains weight while he sleeps! I say we should go back to the Museum Of Science and demand that the elderly rantological professor of lightning guy explain to us the operating principle of the three seashells and the glow rod and that little blue dot that can not only freeze you solid, but turn you into a hollow rubber dummy that can be wadded up inside that cryo-capsule with your arms and legs at crazy angles. I still can't believe he didn't bother charging anyone's hair up with the Van de Graaf generator. I suspect he didn't believe in using science for frivolous purposes during museum demonstrations. Want to bet his kids were not only never allowed to watch television, but never even heard it called "tee-vee"? Hmm, I guess that makes him the elderly diner counter guy in "The Wild One". Now I definitely want to go back there and talk to him about bebop music until someone invents rock and roll a year or two later. -- K. It's weird that my clothing style derives from a movie made before rock was invented. Ever notice that biker jackers are still frozen in 1953? They have those high waists with the wide lapels and the asymmetrical zipper because their lines imitate double- breasted zoot suits, daddy-o... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Snowflakes make Baby Jesus cry! Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 22:07:46 -0500 [from www.news.com.au] -> -> HOME > BREAKING NEWS > STORY STOP THE PRESSES! THIS MUST BE URGENT! -> Baby Jesus 'hypothermic' -> By Roberta Mancuso -> January 4, 2005 -> -> JESUS would have been hypothermic as a baby, researchers have -> said, after studying paintings that showed him consistently naked -> or near nude in nativity scenes. Oh, come on. Surely the white-hot radioctive halo would have kept him warm. And I know it was glowing white-hot because paintings are always true! It's only photos that can be wrong, especially Mapplethorpe's. Movies are also lies, because they're a series of photos, except that animated movies are all true, because they're a series of paintings. -> Townsville neonatologist Dr Tieh-Hee Koh and his wife Marion -> studied 20 paintings of the nativity from London's National -> Gallery, and deduced baby Jesus -- who was mostly pictured -> "starkers" or lightly clad -- would have suffered hypothermia in -> freezing December temperatures. That's okay, I'm sure the Powerpuff Girls will save him, unless they've left Townsville for a place where people aren't total losers. -> "Temperatures at Christmas time in the northern hemisphere at any -> distance from the equator are cold," Dr Koh said. Yeah, I remember once when I was in Las Vegas around Christmas, it got down to 70 degrees at night. -> "Indeed, the temperature in Bethlehem at the time of the birth of -> Jesus Christ has been argued to be about seven degrees Celsius. -> -> "We postulate that Jesus would have been hypothermic at birth, and -> very much so if also premature." Welcome to the little sliver of the Venn diagram for people who believe that Jesus was real and had magical god-like powers over all time and space but was still vulnerable to night-time drafts. -> Their findings were published in last month's Medical Journal of -> Australia. Why, had they already been rejected by the Journal Of You Need A Life? -> Dr Koh, based at Townsville Hospital, said one painting probably -> confirmed Jesus's hypothermia because he was painted blue. But then studying a photo negative of that painting proved Jesus was black! And really tiny! And two-dimensional! And had holes punched along his edges! -> He said keeping a baby unclothed in such temperatures could expose -> it to not only hypothermia but a drop in blood sugar level. -> -> That put baby Jesus at risk of death, Dr Koh said. And in that Salvador Dali painting with the giant melting pocketwatches? In reality, they would be inconvenient to wear in your pocket!!!! -> "If you are not clothed in a temperature of seven degree Celsius... -> he would not only suffer from hypothermia, but the parents, -> Joseph and Mary, might be taken to task by the Department of -> Community Services for child neglect," Dr Koh said. And then Baby Jesus would be put in a foster home with the Harlem Globetrotters, who would have to play some tricky basketball to bounce their way out of a sticky situation! -> The study found Jesus, who "looked premature" in two of the -> paintings, was either naked or lightly clad in 90 per cent of the -> depictions. In the other 10%, he was wearing a tuxedo and glittery top hat while twirling his cane as he sang "Puttin' On The Ritz". -> Mary, Joseph and onlookers were mostly pictured wearing warm -> winter clothing. -> -> But Dr Koh said it was unlikely Jesus shivered in his manger -> because evidence from the Bible showed he was probably born -> between April and September, rather than on December 25. But the Bible and the paintings can't BOTH be 100% historically accurate! -> "Christ's birth would have been in September, when the temperature -> would allow the shepherds to tend their flocks by night, and also -> allow the newborn Jesus to be, as observed in our investigations, -> only lightly clothed or swaddled," Dr Koh said. Oh, shut up. -- K. I like Salvador Dali because he painted exact depictions of what we see but can't photograph. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Snowflakes make Baby Jesus cry! Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 01:34:28 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> allow the newborn Jesus to be, as observed in our investigations, > > -> only lightly clothed or swaddled," Dr Koh said. > > I would like to see Kibo's interpretation of "lightly swaddled." Any religious controversy can be solved with three fifty-yard rolls of 3M brand duct tape. That's the kind that has that sort of raspberryish vinyl scent instead of the awful chemical stench of the generic stuff. Baby Jesus likes the smell of the 3M tape, but if you blindfold him with the generic stuff, the solvent fumes make Baby Jesus cry. > Not on myself. I think there booths at the mall where you can see that sort of thing on yourself, as well as what you would look like as a gorilla or as the middle one of the Three Stooges. The last photo booth I tried was an old-fashioned analog one at the Archie McPhee store that was supposed to produce antique-looking photos, and all it gave me was a blurry, overexposed photo shot through chicken wire so I looked charred and covered with tiny hexagons. I don't think I'll use one of those booths again unless it can print my picture on a tortilla. Oh, I did use a for-free machine at Philadelphia's Franklin Institute that computer-aged me just like those pictures of milk-carton children who have been missing since 1976, but all it did was superimpose two geological fault lines on my cheeks because apparently when I get older I'll still look the same except my face will start separating into two independent continents. -- K. If you don't have duct tape, you can protect Baby Jesus by putting him in your car's trunk. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Catchphrase for 2005 Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 00:44:34 -0500 A month or two ago, I coined the acronymic interjection "NGETTAMTAMD", but nobody else has used it since then. Should I have explained what it stood for, or is there a reason you haven't all dropped whatever you were doing to adopt my exciting neologism? Seth Goldin quoted it once, but nobody else has said it! C'mon, folks, don't let Seth out-hip you! Use "NGETTAMTAMD" in a sentence! Use it at least once in every sentence! -- K. OEISYDAMYWBGUYE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Help, I think I'm hallucinating -- there's more than one "Baby Geniuses". Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 01:43:10 -0500 I was looking up information on one of my least favorite movies, and I found this: http://www.columbus.com.lb/columbus/lib/baby_geniuses.htm ...and I immediately screamed, "OH NO! I FELL INTO THE OTHER UNIVERSE, WHERE 'BABY GENIUSES' IS AN EVEN WORSE MOVIE WITH THE SAME TITLE!" Apparently Lebanon has a different "Baby Geniuses" with a different poster and a different plot, summarized on that page: -> Experience the adventure of a lifetime and enter a world of -> incredibleimagination and fantasy where the impossible comes to life; a -> world made just for babies, where the infants communicate and adult robots -> take orders from children. Enter the fantastic world of Baby Geniuses. -> -> In an ordinary suburban town in the heartland of America, we meet two -> 2-year-old toddlers, Leslie Burroughs and Leland Segal, both blond haired -> and blue eyes bundles of joy. Friends since birth, they will probably -> marry when they grow up... soul mates forever. -> -> Little do the toddlers know that Leslie is the target of an evil genius -> named Dr. Frost, the ever popular household icon of sugar and treats for -> children and the sickening-sweet overlord of Frost World ... candy-coated -> kingdom where the baby geniuses are unwittingly enslaved to extract their -> brilliant ideas for Frost's own insidious purposes. -> -> One Sunday, on a typical trip to the mall with their parents, Leslie is -> suddenly kidnapped by Frost's robot agents. Leslie is the key to Frost's -> biggest plan yet ... a mind-controlling baby milk formula that will allow -> him to manipulate children everywhere! -> -> Now it's up to Leland to rescue his lady love and all he has in his favor -> is his selfish older brother, Zach. With the help of a talking mouse, an -> aristocratic pot-bellied pig and a robot with a heart of gold. Leland and -> Zach head into Frost World to save the damsel-in-distress and free babies -> from the tyranny of Frost's icy clutches. -> -> It's the adventure of a lifetime...and they're only two years old! Google, IMDB, Amazon, and eBay searches on "Leslie Burroughs", "Leland Segal", "Frost World", etc., turned up nothing but this page. Either this is a fake entry in their catalog serving as the most revolting copyright trap in human history, or else Lebanon has its own secret version of "Baby Geniuses" that we need to find out more about. Hey, who knows, it might actually be better than the sucky one with Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd and no robots and no talking mouse and no pot-bellied pig. Well, probably not. How do you say "diaper gravy" in Lebanese, "diaper tahini"? If you happen to be in the neighborhood of Lebanon, please go over there and ask about this other "Baby Geniuses" movie for me. -- K. All the other movies in the Lebanese company's catalog seem to be real, with the cast and director named, so I'm thinking maybe they made this one up just to see if anyone noticed. But that theory doesn't hold water because NO HUMAN COULD WANT THERE TO BE DUELING "BABY GENIUSES" MOVIES! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Psychotic speed-freak news Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 15:43:48 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > [...] > > She did, however, manage to get Georgina to do her own hoovering > in the aftermath of the Great Glitter Spill in the toy room. One > of the products of the pre-spill glitter work was a large and > confusing piece of art with fluffy cotton things stuck on it, [...] Are there muffled sounds of "HELP! LET ME OUT!" coming from under the alternating layers of glitter and cotton balls? If so, you could probably sell it on eBay for a pretty penny. > I look forward workmates appreciating the excitingly glittery finish > my hat and overcoat have now acquired. Better start twirling a cane and looking for really long staircases to tap-dance down. Dancing down the "up" escalator isn't tasteful, no matter how glittery your top hat is. -- K. tappa-tappa-tappa ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Serious topic, metaphysics Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 15:47:11 -0500 mobydikc@gmail.com wrote: > > Yes, yes, I understand the idea of kibology. > > I understand its not cool to bring up serious topics here. Because > funny is cool. And cool is funny, at least by the low standards this > marvelous group of rejects has set. > > But at the same time, ya'll are probably some of the more thoughtful > people on usenet. > > I know, I know. That's not much of an accomplishment, but you've > managed to do it, so why not celebrate? Dear Susan Sontag, Last month you were dead. Does this mean your hair now looks even more like Elsa Lanchester's? And most importantly, does this make your gravesite Camp? 'Cause as you know, things can only be Camp if nobody but you knows they're Camp. I read your essay in the bathtub so I know what you're talking about, assuming you did. > Anyways, I'm trying to get some feedback on some ideas about > metaphysics I have. If you're not interested, please ignore. I can lurk > your peculiar attempts at sarcasm without needing my own thread for > that. > > Otherwise, what do you make of this: > http://www.techmocracy.net/science/time.htm It's a URL, with some dots and slashes. It goes about halfway across my screen, then stops. "technocracy" is spelled wrong. > Thanks. You're welcome. -- K. This is about "Babylon 5", isn't it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ALSO, hierarchy Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:05:09 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@nospam.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > That post belongs in the thread up there. > > "This post belongs in the thread up there." -- A postmodern analysis. > > On first inspection, the phrase "This post belongs in the thread up there" > implies that the author knows the correct placement of his post among all > others, in every news reader ever. (Never mind that this is impossible, > given the infinities of the cosmos.) Furthermore, it states the > relationship between two things, the post, and the thread. He says, "The > post belongs to the thread." In effect, he coerces the post into an > inferior role to the thread. The thread owns the post. Yeah, well, I own everything I read. > But this is not the only meaning possible for the text. Instead of a > patriarchal, dominant sense of thread ownership, we should perhaps read a > matriarchal, indigenous sense of belonging. The post makes up an integral > part of the thread. The thread is belonged to by the post. In essence, > this reading exposes the hypocrisy of capitalist newsreaders. By > emphasising the importance of threads, the posts are neglected. This need > not be so. In an ideal society, newsreaders would not accept the authors > preconceived notion of thread ownership, but allow the reader to > democratically decide the place of the post among the community of posts. Did all you people wait until Susan Sontag died to start reading her? That's exactly what a white male living in the Western Hemisphere would do in order to covertly subvert, divert, invert, revert, and pervert the natural state of being, which consists of everyone else doing exactly what I want but me still being allowed to lecture them about how wrong it is that they're white males living in the evil hemisphere. -- K. I can't wait to see what you do when Derrida dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Man gets three years added to life sentence for cheese sandwiches Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:28:09 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > CheeZus! > > -> COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) -- A man serving a life sentence for > -> murder was sentenced to three additional years in prison for passing > -> out cheese sandwiches while in jail. > > Life plus three years? Isn't that the same as Life? It's the same as Cinnamon Life. With Cheese. > -> Douglas Eugene Wilson, 45, pleaded guilty Monday to possession of > -> contraband and was sentenced by District Judge Thomas Kane. > > I wonder if the judge thought anything was a bit peculiear? I think all cheese-related crimes should lead to execution. Mere possession of cheese should be an automatic frying. The only exception I'd make is that I'd allow Woody Allen's assault with bleu cheese in "Sleeper" because he only did it to pass as a robot -- Asimov's Laws forgot to include "NO CHEESE". > -> Prosecutors said Wilson had the sandwiches while in jail > -> awaiting trial on the murder charge and he tried to give them > -> to other inmates, which is a violation of jail rules. > > You never know. They might have put guns in those cheese sandwiches. Of course, the dilemma he faced was "Share my cheese sandwiches in violation of jail rules while I'm already serving life, or get bludgeoned to death in the exercise yard," so I can understand why he did what he did. The question is, three years? Is this really a bigger crime than, say, bludgeoning someone to death? That only gets you two and a half years. > -> A sheriff's deputy testified at a hearing in May that they > -> warned Wilson not to pass food to other inmate (sic) then > -> shocked him with a stun gun when he ignored them. > > You would have thought that stunning the guy would have been > punishment enough. You don't know your law enforcement techniques. The purpose of using a Taser or a stun gun is always so that you can then claim, "He didn't immediately become quiet and motionless and docile, so he must have been hopped up on super-powerful angel dust, which is why we HAD to beat him with our ugly sticks!" > -> Wilson was tackled and handcuffed after he reportedly charged > -> a deputy. Second-degree assault and attempted second-degree assault > -> charges against Wilson were dropped in exchange for the contraband > -> guilty plea. > > Ah, so the charges weren't "Second-degree assault with a Cheese Sandwich". He should've offered the judge a sandwich. Maybe he'd be out by now. > -> ``Why are the taxpayers paying the judiciary to hold this hearing > -> on some contraband sandwiches?'' he said in a telephone interview > -> with the Gazette of Colorado Springs. ``Taxpayers want to know > -> where their money is going - there it is.'' > > And a damed fine use of Tazpayers Money it is, too. If you let them get > away with second-degree assault with cheese sandwiches they will move on > to bigger crimes commited with creme pies. Remember the wave of women-in-prison films of the 1950s? I say the time is right for a new subgenre of exploitation cinema: "Clowns In Cages", "Bozo Behind Bars", "Prison Pagliacci"... > -> Wilson was convicted last month of first-degree murder in the > -> strangling death of Liza Chavez, 37. > > Was she strangled with a Cheese sandwich? Yes, and then he pled not guilty by reason of being crazy as a soup sandwich. But that defense didn't work when Harlan Ellison tried it, so it didn't work for the Cheese Strangler either. -- K. I hate cheese and I hate cheese people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a nice review of the Middlesex Lounge Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:52:03 -0500 An eatery review I really enjoyed. I think we should have a Kibological gathering there just so we can make one of those tangy 80-sided dodecahedra. [www.weeklydig.com] -> -> Middlesex Lounge -> -> 315 Mass. Ave., Cambridge -> (Red Line to Central Square) -> Open Mon-Fri, 11:30am-2:30pm, 5pm-1am; Sat-Sun, 5pm-1am -> www.middlesexlounge.com -> -> by Troy Dandro -> -> My futile quest to review the Middlesex was much like Luis -> Bu–uel's film The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, where a band -> of friends sit down for dinner but are never able to eat. Hey, they stole that from "It's Garry Shandling's Show"! You know, the episode that was a total rip-off of "Seinfeld"! -> My friend and I arrived and walked in, oblivious of a sign that read -> "Private party from 6-8." After several hateful stares by invited -> partygoers, we realized our folly and left. Ravenous, we ran to a -> nearby Indian restaurant and sat there for 20 minutes, sipping our -> water and willing the waiters to take our order. This never -> happened, so we left and returned to the Middlesex. It was 8:30pm, -> the party was still carrying on, and a band resembling the -> Village People was shaking the place with tremors of rock. We gave up. Sorry. And by the way, we were trying to play disco. Rock is dead, disco is the new thing. -> I planned to return on Sunday, but we were victimized by a -> snowstorm, and I would've required a sled and a pack of dogs to -> get there. So it was on the following Monday that I finally ate -> there. My review was past deadline, and if I didn't succeed, I -> would've had to make this stuff up. Oh, as if the New York Times restaurant reviews aren't a mixture of lies and bribes and drunken hallucinations. -> My first reaction upon walking into the Middlesex (even if there -> isn't a private party) is, "Damn, this place looks uncomfortable!" -> Every piece of furniture in the room is on wheels. Customers are -> invited to create their own space, whether it's a square for -> eight, a parallelogram for 12, or a dodecahedron for 80. This -> could be quite fun with a group of friends, but it's confusing -> with only two. I sat down and put my seat's brakes on; my friend -> gleefully rolled around as he ate. I admire any eatery with the motto "Sit and spin until you barf!" If I can create my own space, I think I'll put a black hole and a couple quasars in the middle of it. That should keep out the riff-raff. -> Loaded with liquor and a decent wine list, Middlesex's menu -> contains food mainly as a means to sustain your drinking. So I -> ordered a refreshing mojito ($7) and a handful of appetizers. We -> started with chips and two green dips ($5). The portion was a bit -> stingy, even for a waif like me, but they brought more when we -> asked. The crunch was loud, Y-M-C-crunch-A It's fun to crunch play at the Y-crunch-M-crunch-C-crunch-A -> and the dips were perfect -- a tangy salsa verde and a lemony -> guacamole that tasted unlike any I've had before. My friend, -> a vegetarian, noted the lack of options for his tribe, but the -> 10 tiny tacos ($8) can be served veggie-style, so we ordered -> half and half. The shredded pork was salty, but salsa verde, -> tomato, avocado, sour cream, hot pepper and cilantro mellowed -> the sting. I preferred the vegetarian version -- a pile of -> shredded cheese instead of pork. Eww! Only evil vegetarians go around turning pork into cheese! For the last time, the hierarchy of good to bad foods is like this: pork and veal beef and chicken vegetables potatoes tofu cheese that's invisible cheese that's fluorescent orange cheese that smells like vomit actual vomit cheese that wishes it were pork -> We devoured the porcini ravioli with garlic cream sauce ($9) -- -> the sauce was mercifully minimal with a mind-blowing burst -> of garlic. The ravioli were deliciously plump, and, like most -> food at the Middlesex, you can pop them in your mouth whole. And if you don't have a mouth hole, you shouldn't be "eating" them in public. -> Less successful were the jerk chicken sticks ($5). These juiceless -> pieces of chicken were spicy without being flavorful, which -> makes me angry. If I have to dump a pitcher of water in my mouth, -> it better be worth it. Dude! Water's the wrong thing to do if something's too hot. Makes the burn worse. How are we supposed to take your spicy-food critique seriously when you don't know that the proper response to overly-hot food is to run around waving your arms and screaming and asking your favorite Village Person to hold you until you stop crying? -> My favorite plate was the shrimp shumai ($5). Perfectly steamed, -> soft and explosive, they came with two sauces -- a typical soy-base -> with scallions, and an overpowering hot sauce that murdered the -> shumai and made me run outside to burrow my tongue in the snow. Okay, you're learning. Except the Village People were in the other direction. -> I'd stick with the soy, because a snowstorm is never guaranteed. -> Thank God I had ordered a "dark and stormy" ($6.50), the national -> drink of Bermuda, because I was no longer completely aware of -> what I was eating. Lesson two with spicy appetizers: Eat them while only touching them with the sides of your tongue, because overly hot food can anesthetize your taste buds for about half an hour. If you numb only the sides, you'll still be able to taste the dessert while you're high. If you numb the whole tongue, the dessert's flavor will be purely hallucinatory. -> Service was fast and friendly (though there were only two filled -> tables), But were they hexagons? Trapezia? Frinkahedrons? -> but it must slow down on Fridays and Saturdays, when they're -> rumored to have long waits. I can't vouch for the hipness factor -> on these nights, but the Middlesex features DJs several nights -> a week for your head-bobbing pleasure. It isn't quite as self- -> consciously hip -- or as comfortable -- as the Enormous Room down -> the street, but it's a fine place to imbibe on funky cocktails -> and pop bite-sized morsels in your mouth at a leisurely pace. Dude, who cares who comfortable or how enormous the room is when you're taking a trip through a mountain of spicy appetizers? You shouldn't be eating food in a room. You should be eating the hell out of food without being aware of where you are or whether you've accidentally wandered into a leather bar. -- K. So when will you be reviewing the dinner buffet at the Ramrod? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My face Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 20:42:00 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > It's taken me less than three weeks to notice my face has gone stable. What, have you been neighing? My arm has a little spot that itches, as if I have been bitten by a tiny insect as yet unknown to science. Also have you ever had one of those zits that grows inside the middle of your earlobe, defying all medical logic? Other than that, I don't know what weird horse disease you've got, but I'm in better health than you. -- K. I hear Mary Tyler Moore's looking for a new pony boy... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: History of Kibo Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 21:24:40 -0500 Brad Allen (ballen6@utk.edu) wrote: > > [...] Is his hair still orange? First tell me what you're wearing. -- K. And "orange" covers at least a dozen specific shades my hair has been on different days. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: electron/photon size Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 02:10:24 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The nurtons and protons ORBIT the low they make franze ,,,but they nead > not allways orbit at the same direction not the same radius. I say nano-nano to your nurtons, but shazbot on your franze. And I tip my tripla to whatever you're using to fill up the hollow space where your left hemisphere used to be. > It will however ,,allways have a comond singular dipole . > If you see the earths poles they are not just turning they are turning > wile at a slight gyro. > Evry dipole has a giro cone ,,as if a rod stuck threw the earth made a > cne shape with the rod as the earth turns. Can it be an orange safety cone? I don't want to let you have an ice cream cone, because you might hurt yourself with it. > No matter how many electrons an atom has .. > there is a dipole cone as the sum of all thier motions. But what about your nutty nurtons and turdinos? -- K. Physics humor, ahr ahr! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New policy on explanations. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 02:27:25 -0500 Have I said something recently that you need explained to you? Sure I have! But if you want me to explain it, you'll have to give me Virtual Candy. Here's how to type virtual candy: >@< When reading Virtual Candy aloud, it's pronounced "greater than at less than", or for delicious simplicity, "Virtual Candy". It's swirl-flavored candy. It's the softest hard candy there is! It's the grandpa candy for cool people! The quality of the explanation will be directly proportional to how much Virtual Candy you give me. Giving me just one piece will probably result in a one-word explanation (and you wouldn't like it.) So don't be stingy with the Virtual Candy. If you want something explained, just post a followup article to alt.religion.kibology where you give me all the Virtual Candy in the world, and I'll write you an encyclopedia article that will clear up all the stuff you thought you were too stupid to understand. Now, as Richard Feynman would say, go for it! -- K. Mmm, tastes swirly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New policy on explanations. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 15:43:37 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But if you want me to explain it, you'll have to give me Virtual Candy. > > Here's how to type virtual candy: > > > > >@< > > Can someone explain this "Virtual Candy" thing to me? Yes. While surfing the Web with my mouse -- well, actually, I don't have a mouse, and I wasn't surfing, I was browsing -- in fact, I wasn't even browsing, I was just looking -- I can across a bulletin board where there was a tiny, >@<-like icon (in red, about seven pixels tall) after each message. The idea was that you could click on microbonbon.gif to show your approval of a message so that the board would then generate SlashDot-like rankings of which messages other people thought were worth reading. So I thought I'd import this token economy here so that I could corner the market on people giving candy to people they like, with the enhancement that people have to give it all to me, thus preventing people from liking anyone but me. Hey, wait, you didn't post any Virtual Candy in your request for an explanation. I take back the explanation I wrote, and instead I'll paste in some bullshit instead. You can see it above. Kevin S. Wilson, you are a bad person for not sharing your Virtual Candy. Have you learned nothing from children's TV programming? EVERYONE SHOULD SHARE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, EXCEPT DRUGS. GIVE ME CANDY. -- K. Cookies, too. GIMME COOKIE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New policy on explanations. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 15:32:39 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Have I said something recently that you need explained to you? > > Sure I have! > > > > But if you want me to explain it, you'll have to give me Virtual Candy. > > Here's how to type virtual candy: > > > > >@< > > Please explain whether this is the Kibo version of the "IS ANYONE READING > MY POSTS" post. No, it's the Kibo version of "Is everyone too scared of my awesome genius to post followups where they admit my discussion of Mork is over their heads?" The ones where I complain that people are using stupid acronyms instead of my exciting new "NGETTAMTAMD" acronym are the ones where I'm testing whether people will obey me even though you're all too scared to even consider asking what it stands for especially because it probably stands for something gross and has a product placement in it. > >@< >@< >@< >@< >@< >#< >@< >@< > > I think there's one of those yucky orange creams in there, so be careful. Mmm, I like the candy-covered waffle fry one. Can you make me one with popcorn chicken inside? -- K. I just discovered, from Japan, a product which tastes exactly like Andy Capp's Hot Fries except better. Nyah! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New policy on explanations. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 04:32:55 -0500 James Vandenberg (james@nospam.vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > Okay, I want the truth, even if I can't handle it. I'd like three > explanations: > > 1) When (and why) did you Turn Gay? It's not that I think there's anything > wrong with that, it's just I was not here for a while, and when I came > back you were in the leather with the seedy mo and cop hat so to speak, so > it was a little disconcerting to find out something that big about your > god that you didn't know before. However when people ask me my opinion on > Teh Gay Marriage Issue, I can just say, "My God is Gay. Yours probably was > too, what with all that 'fishing for men' business. These days, it's > called cruising." > > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > > There are 144 virtual candies there, I counted. I said I'd explain articles, not explain myself. As to why I realized I was gay, it just seemed like the thing to do. As to when, about a year ago. (It was somewhat ahead of schedule.) > b) What do you have against Lots42? > > >@<>@<>@< > > Heh, try and make a three word answer! Lots42 is a DING! Time's up! It's like when you're on top of the Empire State Building looking through one of those giant pedestal-mounted binoculars that goes "zzzzzzz" after you put a quarter in until all of a sudden a little guillotine chops off your eyesight and you get scared until you realize you should just stop looking through the opaque eyepieces. > iii) All obscure references in all your posts since 17th November, last > year. > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< > >@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@<>@< You can't just wave your hand vaguely in the direction of the past along the time axis and expect me to explain everything. You need to transact candy for explanations of specific articles. Also all the candy is ruined because it's all stuck together and touching and stuff. Like when you're a kid and gravy on meat is worse than gravy near meat. > I don't know how many are there. Just keep explaining until you get > virtual diabetes or something. Don't drag L. Ron Hubbard into this. -- K. Also, one of your candies is shooting at my X-Wing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New policy on explanations. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 04:23:39 -0500 Martin Cox (mpcox@insightbb.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Have I said something recently that you need explained to you? > > Sure I have! > > > > But if you want me to explain it, you'll have to give me Virtual Candy. > > Why do you desire Virtual Candy? How does it make the tiresome chore > of explaining yourself worthwhile? I want it because you don't want to give it to me. I want however much candy is more than you're capable of typing. > >@< And, frankly, that was more of an explanation than you deserved, stingy. -- K. WILL DO INTELLECTUAL WORK FOR IMAGINARY FOOD ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 05:26:22 -0500 [www.news.com.au] -> -> Poster makes nurses ill -> From The Eye -> January 4, 2005 -> -> VICTORIAN nurses are revolting. The modern day Florence -> Nightingales are banging their bedpans and calling for a boycott -> of all 39 Bras 'n Things stores around the state. -> -> They're demanding the sexy lingerie chain do a bit of surgery on -> its latest catalogue, and amputate the Naughty Nurse outfit. -> -> It's an all-white bustier and mini-skirt, trimmed in lace with -> red piping and a Red Cross logo-thingy where the cleavage meets -> the material. The "logo-thingy" is a red cross with a little heart in the middle. It's not to be confused with other similar logo-thingies, such as a red cross with a drop of blood in the middle, which is the logo of a charitable organization called the Ku Klux Klan. -> But just in case some people are on medication, and don't quite -> get it, there's even a cute little cap with "Naughty Nurse" -> written across it. There are people who can't figure out when they're horny but _can_ read? -> Oh, and the very handsome brunette doing the modelling for the -> catalogue and in-store posters is also carrying a stockwhip, but -> what that's got to do with nursing is beyond us. Excuse me, but a feather duster cat toy is not a stockwhip, if you're referring to the picture you showed next to that paragraph. ( http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,407156,00.jpg or if they take it away, http://www.kibo.com/pix/naughty_nurse.jpg ) I suppose you could try herding cats with it, but a laser pointer would probably work better. -> Anyway, the Victorian secretary of the Australian Nurses Federation, -> Lisa Fitzpatrick, has got the squirts about the whole thing. "Has got the squirts"? Excuse me? This is a quaint Aussie phrase with which I'm not familiar. Exactly what is squirting out of what? -> "Most nurses, including the 8 per cent who are male, would find it -> offensive," Fitzpatrick said. Hey, just because those 8% are 100% gay doesn't mean they're offended by sexy women. (And I gotta say, that woman in the photo is quite hot, even if she doesn't have a real whip!) -> "It's straight out of the era -- it's very 1970s. "We nurses used to be sexy thirty years ago. Now we're all asexual, joyless medibots." -> "Delvene Delaney has moved on and so should they. Hey, stop misspelling his name. -> "We encourage not just nurses but their patients and families not -> to go near these stores in protest." "Priests should keep right on having wild sex. But nurses, they should remain celibate until they explode." -> Fitzpatrick said the poster showed nurses as sex objects, rather -> than highly educated, skilled professionals. Yeah, they're certainly smarter than newspaper reporters who can't tell feather dusters from livestock whips. And by the way, the woman in the photo isn't _really_ a nurse. See, she's playing dress-up. We grownups have this thing called pretending... Remember the time you saw two different Santas and I explained that they were both Santa's helpers and in no way made the real Santa any less real? -> The ANF national office is also having an attack of the vapours -> over the ad, and has shot off a letter to Bras 'n Things after a -> dozen complaints lobbed. -> -> The national ANF pres, Jill Iliffe, told us nurses would boycott -> Bras 'n Things this month unless the outfit was dropped. "That naughty nurse should take those clothes off right now!" -> Bras 'n Things management hasn't said anything yet. They're probably too busy having normal, non-repressed sex lives. [www.heraldsun.news.com.au] => => Naughty and nice nurse => => NOT everyone is unhappy about those raunchy nurse outfits that => have caused such a stir in the nurses' federation. => => Jim from Melton wanted us to know a female friend has one of the => Bras 'n Things Naughty Nurse costumes, and he reckons it's just => the recipe for a bit of fun. PRESCRIPTION! NOT RECIPE! DAMMIT LEARN TO WRITE NEWSPAPER-STYLE HUMOR! => "I bought my missus the same outfit and she thinks it's => fantastic," he told us. => => "Some of these nurses should just grow up." => => Another reader emailed us to express his bewilderment at the => outrage. => => "Do the people at the nurses' federation think that everyone who => sees these pictures ... are going to think, `Oh, look at her. => All nurses must be hot-looking bimbos with huge t@#s.' => => "Give me a break. => => "Maybe the nurses' federation can next begin their assault on the => porn industry and eliminate any nursing scenarios from them." What? You mean this Australian lingerie catalog I've never heard of didn't invent the concept of naughty nurses? You mean they didn't patent the idea of playing doctor? I am shocked and outraged and I am going to write a woman dressed as a Congressperson! => Then there was Corey from Croydon, who wanted to know if he bought => the saucy little get-up for his "beautiful girlfriend (who is a => real nurse) can she claim it as a tax deduction for uniform?" => => Well, Corey, we think not. Also, people who aren't lying about having a beautiful girlfriend who likes to play naughty nurse don't have the time to write to newspapers about lingerie. => Yes, many of the male patients would love it, we're sure. => => But she might frighten the children and the visiting wives. I think the big question is, if a naughty nurse carries a feather duster, does a naughty French maid carry a hypodermic needle? And who the hell carries the whip I was promised? I found the site for Bras 'N' Things but they didn't have the Naughty Nurse teddy on sale any more. They did, however, have the "Sesame Street Elmo Heads Singlet", "Sesame Street Elmo Heads 3/4 Pant", and "Sesame Street Elmo Heads Boxer". He's saying "TICKLE TICKLE!" because apparently they haven't heard that the most recent Tickle Me Elmo doll turned gay and sings "Y-M-C-A" when he's not making peanut butter and banana sandwiches with Bert & Ernie. Also there's an "Elmo Heads Slide", which must be some form of microscopic lingerie to be worn with a cover slip. -- K. I've seen a lot of naughty nurse photos, but this one in the newspaper's the best. Now shut up and hand her the fucking whip. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 13:50:40 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > Last summer I was in Paris for a few days, where a real, live and rather > attractive French maid, dressed in an authentic French maid outfit, served > me breakfast every morning. > > I did not think that they actually existed. Hey, cool. So, does anyone have a spare plane ticket to Finland? -- K. And how come we're just now finding out about your naughty maid romp? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 16:29:00 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Jim from Melton wanted us to know a female friend has one of the > > => Bras 'n Things Naughty Nurse costumes, and he reckons it's just > > => the recipe for a bit of fun. > > > > PRESCRIPTION! NOT RECIPE! DAMMIT LEARN TO WRITE NEWSPAPER-STYLE HUMOR! > > This is Australia, where instead of going to a pharmacist to have a > prescription filled, you go to a "chemist" to have a "recipe" "put > on the barbie". Can it be put on Catwoman Barbie? Toys R Us just can't get rid of those dolls. They look hideous and they're based on a film that nobody liked and, frankly, was inappropriate to take kids to, once again proving that the Barbie industry revolves around grown-ups shuffling dolls around on eBay and ignoring all these little kids crying "Waah! Please make some dolls we can actually play with!" > > I think the big question is, if a naughty nurse carries a feather duster, > > does a naughty French maid carry a hypodermic needle? > > Since feather dusters are not actually useful for dusting, I think the > naughty French maid should carry a caulking gun or something, except that > a caulking gun might be too kinky. How about having her carry something that's not kinky? Let's see... hmmm... surely I must be able to think of some common household object that isn't pervertible... nope, guess not. Let's just give her a plastic spatula or a wooden spoon and send her to Attleboro and she can't come back until she figures out which of the two the stories about Attleboro are really true because I keep hearing different versions. > > And who the hell carries the whip I was promised? > > A naughty archaeologist, or possibly a naughty carriage-driver. I think you were supposed to make a Dairy Queen joke. -- K. Do I get candy now? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: rodents (was: Jerry Orbach) Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 14:47:48 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Rabbits are rodents getting a lucky break from society just because > they wear cute costumes. Hey, rabbits make good pets, if you can put up with them chewing up everything you own. They like to be cuddled. However, rats are more fun because they love to snuggle. I think my favorite rodents are the chinchilla -- because they're like giant hamsters that like to take cute dust baths -- and the chihuahua. > If you want me to read something more interesting,I propose you > put together a care package for sickies and send it to me full of > books,fabrics to fondle,something yummy to tempt my puny appetite, > and a gallon of Visine for the next time I cough so hard it breaks > a blood vessel in my eye.And for some reason not yet known,my spleen > is inflamed and is really tender so if there's something you know > of that will help with that,well,that would be nice too. > > In fact,here's a virtual box: > > insert pretend ascii box here< > > Please fill it with one item of choice from each kibologist, > and send it to me. It should only take me about an hour to traverse > to the mailbox to retrieve it as I bend over double,coughing the whole way. Do you like your hot sauce extra-hot or extra-extra-hot? It's the best thing for you when you're sick. -- K. Or you can also drink it right before you get very sick. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's "fat guy stuck in something" story Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 15:58:49 -0500 A happy tale of Christmas cheer spotted on fark.com: [www.foxnews.com] -> -> Silent Night, Naked Night -> Thursday, January 06, 2005 -> -> It was a cold, strange Christmas for one Great Falls, Mont., man. -> -> Police were called to Gibson Park at about 1 a.m. Dec. 25, reports -> the Great Falls Tribune. -> -> There they found not Santa Claus, but a 19-year-old man stuck in -> one of the park's plastic toddler swings -- very upset, very naked -> and, given the 20-degree temperature, very chilly. -> -> The cops covered the nude swinger with a blanket, then tried to -> pull him out of the swing. No luck. -> -> So they called in the firefighters, who fared no better. -> -> The boys in blue and the boys in red put their heads together and re-enacted the "Star Trek" episode where a Transporter accident merges the science and engineering crews into two-headed beings who are blue on the left and red on the right? -> decided the best thing to do would be to move the entire operation -> indoors. -> -> The swing and its hapless occupant were cut down and transported -> to the nearest firehouse. -> -> Once there, a hacksaw was taken to the swing's molded plastic, but -> failed to make much of a cut. Bolt cutters didn't work either. Quick, call the sheriff with the plasma cutter. You know, the idiot from the handcuff article last year. -> Nor did a tub of cooking grease requisitioned from the firehouse -> kitchen. The naked man still was stuck fast. But he was enjoying how his simple ruse was enabling him to live out his lifelong fantasy of firemen smearing Crisco on his butt. -> "We tried everything," said Great Falls Fire Capt. Max Bailey. -> -> Finally, someone brought in a steel grinder and went to work on -> the rivets on the clasp holding the swing together. -> -> That did the trick, leaving the bare-bottomed man merely without -> clothes, money or much sleep. -> -> "It was way more torture than he deserved for what he did," said -> Bailey. "Nobody understands that we firemen should be in charge of deciding how much torture everybody deserves." -> Neither the police nor the firefighters would name the man, who -> was not charged with anything. -> -> Both departments would say, however, that the nearly frozen -> frolicker never did fully explain how he got into his predicament. -> -> -- Thanks to Out There readers Cristen and Rich. Never mind that, finish the story. I hate how Internet porn stories always leave something dangling. Here, I'll write an ending: GREASED PIG & THE TURNOUT BOYS Chapter Two Hosemaster Mike turned to the greasy fat naked man. "As punishment for keeping us up all night, you have two choices. Either you can put on this giant diaper and be our Baby New Year, or you can put on this tight spandex Santa suit and come down our chimney." He chose the latter, and of course he got stuck again. It was the best Christmas ever! He was stuck good, so the firemen lit the fire in the fireplace and roasted and ate him. Sincerely, Harlan Ellison. -- K. Batman could have helped. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's "fat guy stuck in something" story Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 18:45:55 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Nobody understands that we firemen should be in charge of deciding > > how much torture everybody deserves." > > Is THAT why they dumped the broken glass from the other car into the > shoes in my back seat? Depends. Did you hold a razor blade up to Gainsborough's "The Blue Boy" and yell "DING DONG! DING DONG!", or did you just hide an atomic bomb in your nose right before you sneezed? (Did anyone else here ever have more than one copy of that book?) -- K. I want to be a fireman if I grow up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Today's "fat guy stuck in something" story Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 18:24:42 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > GREASED PIG & THE TURNOUT BOYS > > You know, the guy may not have been fat. I don't know how big those > toddler swings are, but baby butts are a lot smaller than man butts. Trust me, Stacia, weird guys who go naked in public parks and wind up covered in Crisco on flimsy pretexts are always fat. Come on, nobody's ever seen a svelte naked guy in a park. > > Batman could > > have helped. > > Batman's not a scientist. Yeah, but at least he ain't stuck in his BatSwing. -- K. And "Greased Otter & The Turnout Boys" wouldn't have been a very good story title. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New police technique: "Will all murderers please raise their hands?" Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 16:54:22 -0500 Sherlock Holmes once said something about the process of elimination never being a dumb way to investigate crime. Well, he was a bozo. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Christa murder investigator sweeps Truro in DNA probe -> By Brian Ballou -> Thursday, January 6, 2005 -> -> Men following their everyday routines in Truro yesterday were -> approached by a tall man in a suit and asked to do something not -> so routine. This is where the reporter pauses over the typewriter, lapsing off into erotic fantasies... "It's not entrapment," said Inspector Frisky Patdown, "unless you take your own pants off," and then he used his special Police Tool to cut open the man's jeans. -> State police trooper Christopher Mason was out collecting DNA -> samples to compare to the DNA found on murder victim Christa -> Worthington three years ago today. Seventy-five men agreed to -> submit mouth swabs. Cool! Was one of them the murderer? -> The crime rocked the Cape town of 1,600 and has reportedly spawned -> a Hollywood movie due out soon. -> -> Police had previously collected 100 samples but are continuing the -> effort to ``narrow the field'' as much as possible, said Cape and -> Islands District Attorney Michael O'Keefe. Well, I guess now it's been narrowed down from 6,000,000,000 people to 5,999,999,925 people. When it gets down to just one billion people, those are pretty good odds, so they can just arrest someone at random. [www.capecodonline.com] => => BARNSTABLE -- They fanned out around Truro early yesterday => morning, to the post office and some coffee shops. => => They told of a little girl left without her mother, stabbed to => death in her Truro kitchen by someone still unknown. => => "Will you help me help this little girl?" asked state police => Trooper Chris Mason, displaying a photo of Ava Worthington. => => All they had to do was open their mouth and give a DNA sample. => Right there, on the spot, with a small swab -- tenderly referred => to as the cotton lollipop -- rubbed along the inside of the cheek. I think my local Indian grocery store sells kapok lollipops. => => [...] => => Police say it's a voluntary thing, but they will take note of the => dissenters. => => "We have an awareness of the people who fail to consent," Mason said. Having the police be aware of you is bad. On the other hand, when they tell you they're not aware of you, that means they're telling you they're about to run you over with their car because they can't see you. [www.capecodonline.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The men who gave samples yesterday signed a DNA saliva collection -> card, providing their name, date of birth, race and sex. Asking men what sex they are is important because the man who left his semen on the murder victim probably wasn't a girl. -> The card also indicates who collected the sample and the date of -> collection. A few men declined to give samples. -> -> The DNA in the saliva samples will not become part of a database, -> Cape and Islands District Attorney Michael O'Keefe said yesterday. -> -> "It's used for only one purpose ... and that is to find out if -> someone is a donor of the (semen) sample." -> -> However, O'Keefe did say that investigators "will be compelled to -> look at why people won't" submit a DNA sample. This is a warning to all those of you on the Internet: If you haven't given a sample to the police, that proves you're a murderer. If you don't want to go to jail forever, mail your sperm to the cops now. -- K. "Sorry, I gave at the office." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A serious article about why everyone should eat more durians. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 18:14:44 -0500 [cms.psychologytoday.com] -> -> The Science of Scrumptious -> By: Kathleen McGowan -> -> Summary: Why do we loathe lumpy food, pick at our plates, and -> believe that chocolate will cure all ills? They say there's no -> accounting for taste, but science is giving it a try. -> -> Do we eat to live, or live, in part, to dig into that second -> helping of banana cream pie? Since the 1930s, nutritionists have -> believed in "the wisdom of the body," the idea that we are -> programmed to eat precisely what we need to keep our bodies -> supplied with the right balance of nutrients and energy. By that -> rationale, hungers for specific foods are just behavioral -> consequences of metabolic requirements. You crave steak because -> you need protein, scarf up sardines for the salt, and pig out on -> potatoes because they are energy-dense. It's simple: We like food -> because it keeps us alive. You lost me at the part about how I like sardines. Am I required to like sardines? 'Cause I don't want to like them just because you said I had to. Is there jail time involved? -> But this straightforward idea just doesn't account for our eating -> habits. The foods we love tend to be either nutritionally bankrupt -> (Twinkies, French fries, Coke) or downright dangerous (bacon, -> cheesecake, scotch). Popeye notwithstanding, we generally loathe -> vitamin and energy powerhouses like spinach and liver. What's dangerous about bacon? Spinach, on the other hand, is not only delicious, but also bad for you -- if you have a broken bone, spinach will make it heal a lot slower. I remember that from an old TV commercial for "Prevention" magazine or something. Oddly, they never brought up the subject in that TV commercial where Popeye switched to drinking orange juice when he turned gay. -> The idea that eating is merely life support also doesn't explain -> our gastronomic trajectory. We begin life as newborns GENIUS!!!! -> who drink only milk, become babies who happily gum any substance -> from beer to bugs, then grow into 4-year-olds who throw tantrums -> when faced with anything more complex than PB&J. As we reach -> adulthood, we just get stranger, loving foods any rational kid -> would find repulsive: the nasal cannonball of wasabi, a ripe -> raunchy slab of blue cheese. We do, huh? Dear reporter, not everyone loves stinky icky cheese, although everyone does love shoving wasabi up their nose. -> In short, we're all weird about food. A recent anthropological -> analysis found that more than a third of us reject slippery food -> like oysters and okra. And the other two-thirds can blow me. -> Twenty percent of us don't like our foods to touch on the plate. -> The next time you wander a grocery-store aisle packed with jars -> of pickled jalape-os and boxes of instant scalloped potatoes, Mmm, I heartily endorse this new "Jalape-Os" breakfast cereal invented by John Winston. It's hyphentastically d-licious. -> consider this: One-fifth of us eat from a palate of just 10 or -> fewer foods. It's called "McDonalds", and those shouldn't really be called "foods". -> The rich blend of instincts and habits that shape our eating -> patterns has baffled biologists. In the last few years, though, -> new knowledge of the neurological highways that connect gut and -> brain, combined with psychophysical studies probing the perception -> of flavor, has shed light on the gourmand within. The study of -> "hedonics" (by a wacky robot invented by Stanislaw Lem) -> --the pleasure of eating--has determined that we are hardwired -> to prefer sweet and avoid bitter and that the love of fat seems -> to be an acquired taste. That's why five-year-olds don't ask to go to Michael Moore movies. -> The flavors we sample while we're still in the womb stay with us -> into infancy and perhaps well beyond. And, as anyone who has heard -> the call of a cream puff at 3 a.m. will not be surprised to hear, "YOU'RE GAY!" -> eating beloved foods stimulates some of the same neural pathways -> as addictive drugs like cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, endorphins, hot pepper, yadda yadda mmm feels good. -> Other new research suggests that our stomachs may literally be -> thinking for us: A separate sensory system located in the gut -> sends subliminal messages to the brain about what's good to eat -> and what's not. That's nothing. I've got a sensory system in my butt that tells my brain when it's tired of sitting through a boring movie. Like, during a double feature of Cronenberg's "Stereo" and "Crimes Of The Future", my butt demanded I get up and walk out if I wanted to retain any ability to have feeling in the lower half of my body for the rest of my life. -> In this age of dietary obsessions and national guilt about fat, -> the joy of eating and the quirks of the palate are seldom -> discussed, a dirty little epicurean secret. But understanding what -> we like to eat, fascinating in its own right, may also help solve -> one of the biggest health problems of our time: why we eat so much. -> -> If eating is our first love, sugar is its handmaiden. Humans are -> born loving sweetness: On its very first day of life, a newborn -> prefers sweetened drinks to bland ones. Sugar's siren call can -> even block out pain--pediatricians have shown that newborns who -> have injections or blood drawn don't mind the needle as much when -> also given a sugar-coated pacifier to suck. Fuck that sugar shit, if I'm ever going to have an operation, I want the doctors to load me up with habaneros. -> Soon after birth, babies begin to reject intensely sour or bitter -> flavors. During the first few months, they also learn to -> appreciate fatty foods and recognize salty tastes. "Their taste -> world is organized into liking sweet, learning to like fat, and -> rejecting--spitting out--bitter taste," says Adam Drewnowski, -> director of the Center for Public Health Nutrition at the -> University of Washington in Seattle. ("Tastes" are detected -> directly by the tongue--salty, sweet, sour, bitter and umami, a -> Japanese word for the taste Westerners recognize in foods like -> Parmesan cheese. "Flavors" are the complex mix of tastes and odors -> we sense when we eat.) Umami does not taste like cheese! Umami tastes like what Pringles would taste like without all the salt. -> Babies and children seem to have a taste world all their own. The -> fondness for face-puckering sourness is a good example. The Sour -> Patch candy makers may have figured this out a long time ago, but -> Monell Chemical Senses Center biopsychologist Julie Mennella -> recently confirmed it: In the first formal study of the appeal of -> tart, she found that kids between ages 5 and 9 actually enjoyed -> the flavor of concentrated citric acid. Well, duh. That's because we force children to drink orange juice constantly. The first thing kids do when they grow up is to stop drinking orange juice, because of the annoying way it interacts with freshly-brushed teeth. -> Bitterness, by contrast, is a pleasure of wizened adulthood. IN MY DAY WE WEREN'T BITTER, AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY! DAMN KIDS, GET OFFA MY TONGUE! -> During youth--and during pregnancy, as any mother could tell -> you--we can't stand bitter flavors. That's probably because -> bitterness is often a sign of toxicity, and it's especially -> important to avoid toxic compounds duringthese sensitive periods -> of growth and development. The mouth has a hair-trigger for -> bitter: While the human tongue has only a few varieties of taste -> receptors specialized for sugar, it has an elaborate bitter alarm -> system that includes at least five dozen different types of -> sensors, says Drewnowski. After all, a creature that misses a -> sweet meal will probably live to eat another, but one single -> poisonous snack could spell the end. And foods which are simultaneously sweet and bitter -- such as grapefruit juice -- can cause human brains to explode when their neural pathways for "this is bitter, therefore you must not eat it" and "this is sweet, therefore you must eat it" reach precisely equal electrical potentials, just like in all those Asimov stories where the robot can't decide whether it should throw the baby in the well to save the busload of other babies who are more numerous but not as cute. -> As we age, we develop a taste for foods with hints of bitter, -> especially if they are sweet or fatty, like buttered Brussels -> sprouts or dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is not a hint of bitter! Dark chocolate is the bitter bomb bar! Sometimes I wish I had fewer taste buds. -> That may make physiological sense, Drewnowski hypothesizes. -> Acrid-tasting foods like broccoli and kale are loaded with -> cancer-fighting antioxidants. The bitterness is no accident. -> The anticarcinogenic compounds that taste astringent to us -> are actually toxins too--poisonous to the insects that chew -> on the plants. Human efforts to cultivate milder versions of -> bitter vegetables may be breeding the nutritional value right -> out of them, Drewnowski observes: "The amount of bitterness -> in the food supply is a fraction of what it used to be." I blame the practice of giving Valium to vegetables -- oh, wait, you meant the type that grow in the ground. Never mind. -> Our palates all have the same five types of detectors, the same -> aversion to bitter and mania for sweet. So why are our individual -> preferences so different? Mennella, for one, thinks our -> proclivities are shaped at a very early age. Her experiments show -> that we probably get our first taste of the world through the -> amniotic fluid that shelters us and that this prenatal experience -> carries over into the first year of life. If pregnant women drank -> carrot juice daily during late pregnancy, Mennella found, their -> babies at 6 months seemed to like carrot-flavored cereal much more -> than other 6-month-olds. I see, so, little kids like the blue Kool-Aid because their mommy was drinking windshield-wiper fluid? -> She and her colleagues at Monell have also shown that nursing babies -> seem to detect flavors like garlic, ethanol (from alcoholic drinks) -> and vanilla in their mothers' milk. A baby who has never tasted -> garlic will suckle longer the first time his or her mother eats it, -> presumably gathering extra information about this peculiar new flavor. -> "[Mother's milk] is one of the first ways babies learn," she says. Then why is baby food so freakin' bland? That stuff makes SpaghettiOs seem like vindaloo. -> Breast-fed babies whose mothers eat a wide range of foods are more -> likely to embrace new foods later on, her research has shown, and -> infants fed on harsh-tasting formulas remain more tolerant of -> bitter and sour at age 4 or 5. So where was this research done? Which concentration camp? -> Mennella thinks this may be a hint as to how individual flavor -> preferences begin developing. "Our olfactory memories are oldest, -> most resistant to change," she says. "I think that underlies why -> certain foods are very much preferred--they are associated with -> things that occur early in life." Well, to the best of my knowledge, neither of my parents ever allowed Indian food within 500 yards of the house. So why do I like hot curry? Uh oh, I must've been purchased from one of those baby brokers in India. -> Cravings--intense and specific longings for one particular -> food--probably also have more do to with culture and childhood -> than with a biological urge for missing nutrients. In -> cross-cultural studies spanning three continents, psychologists -> Scott Parker of the American University in Washington, D.C., Debra -> Zellner of New Jersey's Montclair State University, American -> University student Niveen Kamel and Ana Garriga-Trillo of the -> Spanish national university UNED demolished the dictum that women -> universally crave chocolate. While women in Egypt, Spain and the -> United States do tend to crave sweeter foods than men do, the -> hankering for chocolate varied. Men and women in Spain were -> equally likely to crave chocolate. Egyptian women, by contrast, -> couldn't care less about cocoa--only 6 percent named chocolate as -> their most favored food. Mostly, they craved savory treats like -> meat-stuffed eggplant or a typical Egyptian broth-based soup. I love eggplant. My favorite vegetables are eggplant, okra, celery, and hot peppers. Milk chocolate's okay, but it would be better if you could get it with celery in it. -> Attitudes toward eating in general are strongly cultural, and the -> legendary food psychologist Paul Rozin of the University of -> Pennsylvania has shown that Americans have a particularly bad -> attitude toward food. While the French relish their meals and -> gobble down cheese, sausage and other high-fat delicacies, -> Americans are consumed with worry and anxiety, fearing fried eggs -> as death-in-a-skillet and obsessing over fat-free treats. Compared -> to the Japanese, the French and the Belgians, Rozin found, -> Americans worry most about food but are least likely to call -> themselves "healthy eaters." He hypothesizes that losing touch -> with the hardwired pleasure of eating may itself be bad for our -> health. In the United States, "one of the most pleasant of human -> activities has become drenched in worry," he argues. ...drenched in rich, creamy worry. Mmm, worry. -> Family and culture don't account for all our individual -> variability, though. "The correlation between parents' and their -> children's food preferences only goes so far," says Rozin. -> Pickiness, for example, seems to be highly idiosyncratic. In the -> first comprehensive survey of food pickiness among adults, -> anthropologist Jane Kauer interviewed nearly 500 adult Americans -> about their attitudes toward foods, food variety and eating -> habits. Kauer, who conducted the research as a doctoral student -> with Rozin, found that mild pickiness is quite widespread--about -> one-third of her volunteers described themselves as "unusually -> picky eaters." Bear in mind this number is probably way off, because anyone who is actually ultra-fastidious about food is also unlikely to volunteer to participate in some mad scientist's "What can YOU put in your mouth?" research. -> It may not be surprising to learn that 60 percent of us like to -> leave our plates clean or that close to half of us eat just about -> the same thing for breakfast nearly every day. Does that include those of us who sleep through breakfast every day? -> But stranger habits are also common. Many people refuse to drink -> while they eat. It's a lot easier to drink if you wait until you're between bites. -> Others won't eat food that is lumpy or has a filling, like -> raviolis or egg rolls. Those people are called idiots. By the way, I know that the plural of "ravioli" is "raviolis", but what's the plural of "egg rolls" -- "eggs rollses"? -> Nearly 20 percent of us are repelled by raw tomatoes (something -> about the gooeyness inside the firmness), My parents could never understand that. I really dislike raw tomatoes. They have a bad texture (squishy and simultaneously fibrous) with that sour-sweet flavor. They're good if they're dried or cooked, but when raw they're just these things I remove from my hamburger. -> and about the same fraction of us simply don't like trying new foods. Those people I enjoy tormenting. Mmm, I love curried okra. Here, try some or you'll never know how good it tastes. It's got wasabi! -> In the course of her survey, Kauer found a few extremely picky -> people. (One woman she interviewed, for example, ate little more -> than canned brains, undercooked French fries and fried eggs. Kauer -> thinks this intensely fastidious eating is probably related to -> obsessive-compulsive behavior.) But because you are what you eat, the brain woman is now the smartest person in the world. -> Questioning the pickiest third further, Kauer identified a master -> list of foods that are almost universally accepted: fried chicken, -> French fries, chocolate chip cookies, and above all else, -> Kraft macaroni and cheese. WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR POWDERED ORANGE CHEESE! I ACCEPT YOU, BUT NOT THE POWDERED LUNCH YOU HAVE MADE! -> ("People seem to respond to the orange color," she says. "Maybe -> it's a signal that it's really fake and therefore really safe.") Once again, people are idiots. They do seem to respond to that fluorescent yellow-orange color, though -- I get lots of compliments on my hair. -> Obviously, these are all classic comfort foods, but more important -> for the picky person, they are unlikely to have weird or -> surprising ingredients. "We all know what's in fried chicken, for -> example, Colonel Sanders would beg to differ. He went to his grave being the only person who ever knew what the eleventh secret herb or spice is. Not even Kentucky Fried Chicken employees know that it's flakes of that brown stuff that grows under the cap of restaurant ketchup bottles. -> even if we get it from some place we've never been before," she says. -> -> Most of us roll our eyes in irritation at a dining companion who -> insists on garlic-free pasta or shreds a brownie to pick out the -> nuts. We should be more tolerant, Kauer says. Yeah, people are allowed to dislike good food if they wish. They just shouldn't like bad food, such as cheese. And now, the reason I chose to comment on this article. A paragraph which explains alt.religion.kibology better than any of the other pop-psychology articles in Psychology Today ever did: -> Food habits are a deep part of identity, closer to religion -> than to biology. The omnivore who devours durian fruit and fried -> locusts is just as proud of his neophilia as the choosy eater is -> of his selectivity. Ladies and gentlemen, I suddenly got a craving to try another durian to see whether they're still gross. (I was actually planning to go to the Super 88 Supermarket today -- I need some other weird Asian products -- but it's sleeting so I may have to wait until tomorrow, and yes, it is time to try another durian.) -> "We don't talk about it, but all of us have very strong feelings -> about what we eat and don't eat," she says. Yeah, nobody ever talks about food in magazines, on TV, or on the Internet. And you certainly can't mention food in an advertisement. -> Kauer theorizes that fastidious eaters have lost touch with the -> social context of food. That's why picky kids like to go to the International House of Pancakes to get the Rooty-Tooty Fresh & Frooty pancakes with the smiley face on top made from two half-cherries, a pat of butter, and half a pineapple ring. Talking to that pancake is the only social interaction these kids will have until they can grow up and kidnap a hitchhiker. -> As part of her survey, Kauer asked people to imagine three different -> scenarios in which they might choose to eat a food they hated: -> if they'd had nothing to eat for 12 hours, if they'd gone without -> anything at all for three days, or if poor hosts offered the food -> and it would be insulting to refuse it. What if they were blindfolded and had a funnel in their mouth and someone was holding a shotgun to their head? Under those circumstances, I still wouldn't eat your precious Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. So there. (Hey, I'd rather get shot than die of cheese poisoning.) -> That last scenario--in which rejecting the food would be a social -> embarrassment rather than a physical hardship--was the most -> powerful motivator for everyone except the pickiest eaters, who -> still refused it. -> -> The psychology of pleasure and of food choice has been largely -> overlooked in the massive scientific effort to combat obesity and -> other food-related health problems. But as Rozin suggests, what we -> think about food could turn out to be as important as what we put -> in our mouths. It's a pleasure principle most of us could learn to -> live with: Eat up--it's good for you. -> -> Let Them Eat Cake -> -> For parents Struggling with finicky eaters, taste researchers have -> interesting advice: quit fighting. Quit fighting, and start Capitalizing! -> Kids love sweets and tend to shy away from foods they don't know. -> While exasperating, these behaviors may be adaptive. Taste -> researchers have theorized that 3- and 4-year-olds become picky as -> a survival instinct. At this age, kids are old enough to find food -> on their own; they just aren't old enough to judge what's safe to -> eat and what's not. An ingrained fear of new foods protects a -> child from poisoning. -> -> Understandably, parents get worried when Junior will eat only -> apple juice and Ritz crackers. But picky eating is probably more -> often a temporary inconvenience than a serious problem. But the slogan is "Everything tastes better sitting on a Ritz," so the parents could just cover the Ritz in okra and durian goop and the kid would be happy. You might have to put two or three Ritzes under the durian slurry but the cracker company's slogan is scientific proof this will work. -> Leann Birch, the chair of Pennsylvania State University's -> department of human development and family studies, has found that -> well-intentioned but controlling parents may instill bad dietary -> habits in their children. Parental pushiness may even be partly to -> blame for the obesity epidemic, she thinks. Kids naturally -> regulate how much they eat, unless their parents urge them to eat -> more or clean their plates. And if you tell your kids, "Eat all your cereal so you can see the bunny at the bottom of your bowl!" your children will someday get arrested for being peeping toms spying on Playboy bunnies. -> Birch also finds that limiting access to "bad" foods like sweets -> only makes the forbidden item more attractive. By the way, none of you people can have any of my Virtual Candy. -> In one of her studies, girls who'd been prevented from snacking -> at home were much more likely to pig out if they were given free -> access to snack foods. Other researchers have shown that forcing -> a kid to choke down spinach before being allowed to eat cake simply -> makes kids hate vegetables and like dessert more. So when's someone going to do research on the powerful phenomenon of how two foods can be completely ruined if they touch? I've noticed that TV dinners have gradually been losing the dividing walls between items. This must cause lots of tantrums when some kid's chicken puck touches the potato blob. Also, I hear that the Commies, as part of their plan to make kids cry, have developed a bomb that covers everything with gravy. -> Although many young children tend to reject healthy foods at -> first, Birch's work has shown that 5 to 10 experiences with a new -> food is often enough for a kid to learn to love it. "Here, eat these. You won't be qualified to comment on whether or not you like them until you eat these 5 to 10 durians." -> A world of craving -> -> Cravings seem to be universal, but culture influences what we go -> crazy for. Research by psychologists Scott Parker, Ana -> Garriga-Trillo and Debra Zellner shows that hungers have an -> international flavor: -> -> US -> -> Women: Chocolate -> -> Men: Pizza , beet (followed by burgers, steak and cheesesteak) Bee...t? What is this "beet" for which I am supposed to crave? I do get lots of pizza cravings, which is frustrating because 99.9999% of pizzas sold in this country are contaminated by inedible cheese. I can't get enough of the Amy's brand frozen cheeseless ones, though it helps if I add bacon bits and hot sauce. The Bravissimo cheeseless ones are awful, even though they have eggplant -- it's eggplant gone terribly wrong. Pithy raw cubes, not delicious breaded, fried slices. -> Spain -> -> Women: Cola, French Fries, chocolate -> -> Men: Serrano ham, French fries, spaghetti Is Serrano ham like ham with Serrano chiles? And can it be bacon instead of ham? If so, I'm going to Spain! -> Egypt -> -> Women: Grape leaves and eggplant stuffed with rice and meat -> -> Men: Molokhia soup, grilled fish I have no clue what this Moloch soup is. Sounds diabolically delicious. -- K. I wish it weren't sleeting. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A serious article about why everyone should eat more durians. Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 20:22:32 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) quoted "Psychology Today": > > > > -> [...] You crave steak because you need protein, scarf up sardines > > -> for the salt, and pig out on potatoes because they are energy-dense. > > -> > > -> [...] The foods we love tend to be either nutritionally bankrupt > > -> (Twinkies, French fries, Coke) or downright dangerous (bacon, > > -> cheesecake, scotch). > > Also, what happens when you slice up and deep fry a potato that > turns it from "energy-dense" to "nutritionally bankrupt"? Energy is converted into deliciousness! > More importantly, how does the fact that I crave coconut prove > that I have a plutonium atom in the center of my brain, and that > it contains the entire universe? Down, Archie. Go microwave your herring ice cream in the bathtub. > And what p or n adics describe the spherical shape of coconuts > the best, the kind who binge-purchase German fetish magazines > over the internet or the kind who sit on the curb outside the > adult bookstore asking strangers for spare porn? > > Yeah, I raised the price of that bizarre pervert magazine you > like to fifty bucks. And we're the only store that carries it. O, shut up, Oprah. Technically, your "p or n adics" = "porn addicts" doesn't quite qualify as an actual pun, so the question is, what new category of pun-like object is that? And also how come there's no magazine devoted to hooking up with pun fetishists who want you to make them laugh in bed? What would you call that magazine, Oprah? -- K. "Fun Metish Punthly" would work if spoonerisms were puns, but they're a different category of pun-like objects which aren't as good as 100% natural puns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: Data Recover THIS! Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 18:38:29 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology and alt.folklore.computers, Morten Reistad (f1rstname@lastname.pr1v.n0) wrote: > > [...] > > Whatever happened to this kibo dude? He became President of North America and declared war on either Central America or Middle America, whichever one is the one that likes needlepoint and not chili peppers, but the war didn't go too well so he went home and watched TV. He lives with 359 cats inside an abandoned water tower in the middle of the secret backup Disneyland in Sturgis, South Dakota. Kibo once starred in a movie that was a biography of Darth Vader, in which he played Albert Einstein (and won.) Oh, and he invented a pill where, if you take it, a gorilla gives you a foot rub. But it doesn't work too well because the gorilla usually demands extra money afterwards. Thanks for asking. You're so nice to me. Can I have some more lutefisk? -- K. Correction: I have 358 cats and one lutefisk. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Interesting face-reading news Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2005 19:34:45 -0500 [an article from www.nature.com which may interest only me] -> -> Terror shows only in the eyes -> -> Roxanne Khamsi -> -> Knowing where to look is key to recognizing others' emotions. -> -> Focusing on a person's eyes is crucial for detecting their fear. -> -> Scientists have been testing the 38-year-old woman for more than a -> decade. She has a rare disease that has damaged both sides of her -> amygdala, the almond-shaped part of the brain that is known from -> imaging studies to be involved in recognizing facial expressions. -> -> The woman, known as SM, finds it very difficult to tell from -> facial expressions when another person is afraid, although she has -> no problem recognizing other emotions, such as happiness, sadness -> and anger. -> -> Originally, researchers thought this meant that different emotions -> are processed by distinct neural circuits in the brain. But new -> studies with SM, published in this week's Nature, suggest quite a -> different explanation. -> -> A closer look -> -> Neuroscientist Ralph Adolphs of the California Institute of -> Technology in Pasadena and his colleagues showed SM photographs of -> various different facial expressions and asked her what emotion -> she thought the people were feeling. -> -> Neuroscientist at the California Institute of Technology, -> PasadenaResearchers have done this many times before. But this -> time, to find the part of the faces on which SM was focusing, the -> team used a 'bubble test' in which only part of the face is -> revealed at a time. -> -> The researchers were intrigued to find that SM totally avoided -> looking at people's eyes. She discerned her information simply -> from looking around the nose and mouth. When I read emotions from someone's face, I'm normally studying the areas around and above the eyes -- the inner end of the eyebrow, the outer end of the eyebrow, and the area just outside the crow's feet are all areas which move independently during the microexpressions which fascinate me. I don't think I really look at the mouth area very much at all. Most of what I see when I see someone's face is the muscle movement around the eyes. Once I took a test where I had to identify famous people from photographs of just their eyes or just the lower halves of their face. I did better than normal on the eyes, but couldn't do a thing for the pictures without eyes. -> This was generally enough for her to identify emotions such as -> happiness or anger, where features such as a smile, or bared -> teeth, are important. -> -> But wide eyes are a particularly important component of a fearful -> expression. Because SM was only looking at the nose and mouth, she -> did not notice the eyes and concluded that the person was feeling -> neutral. -> -> "First you have to look at the eyes, and then the brain has to -> make use of that information to figure out it's fear," explains -> Adolphs. -> -> Rescue effort -> -> When the researchers simply told SM to look at people's eyes, she -> did, and her ability to distinguish fear dramatically improved. Also her ability to cause fear, if she takes this advice to heart and goes around staring at people's eyes. -> She needed constant reminding, as otherwise she stopped looking at -> the eyes. But this ability to regain lost function simply through -> receiving the correct instructions is extremely unusual in -> patients with brain damage. It suggests that SM doesn't have a -> problem processing the visual cues at all. -> -> Instead, says Adolphs, the area she has damaged may tell us where -> and how to look. "It's a radical rethink of amygdala function," he -> says. -> -> If our brains simply took in all the information around us, we -> would be completely overwhelmed, he points out. "What's needed is -> selectivity of some kind, to decide what's important," he says. -> -> Adolphs believes that the amygdala is a critical component of such -> a mechanism. -> -> Potential treatments -> -> The team suggests that this new understanding could be used to -> help develop treatments for people with disorders such as autism, -> who find it difficult to read emotions. -> -> Autism sufferers are known to focus abnormally on certain facial -> features. Giving them direct reminders of how to look at other -> people's faces could help them to improve their perception of -> social cues. It's not uncommon for people to be able to recognize faces but not recognize expressions, though the reverse is more common (like me.) I'm actually very sensitive to reading people's microexpressions, probably from a lifetime of focusing very intently on deconstructing the parts of the face I'm sensitive to in order to compensate for the stuff I just can't perceive right. I like actors in movies to give Method performances -- if they just pretend to feel happy, sad, in pain, etc., that looks different than if they actually summon up memories of these feelings and send those feelings back into their faces. I love watching death scenes to see which actors can actually feel the agony of their wounds versus which ones are just focusing on gross contortions of their faces -- it's the little facial muscles flitting around from second to second, what they call "microexpressions", which make the difference, and most actors can't control those consciously. Hence they just convince themselves they feel the emotions the script says they should and their face automatically tenses in the right places. (The inner edge of the eyebrows in particular tenses and relaxes so quickly that it can change position multiple times during a single line of dialogue.) Maybe this stuff about eye expressions being important is why the Lone Ranger thinks nobody can recognize him if he wears a domino mask. ('Course the mask doesn't really make anything easier or harder for me, because gait and clothing are the main things I recognize people by. I do also recognize people by how their facial muscles move, but it's much easier to spot their clothes or their stride because I don't have to look as closely.) -- K. Next question: Cats and dogs express themselves very differently from us with their facial muscles. (For instance, cats squint when happy.) But what parts of our faces (or our body language) do they look at when they sense that we're afraid? (Eyes seem to be important to them, because I know dogs who normally like me but are scared of me if they can't see my eyes.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Public Notice - January Board Meeting Postponed Due to Weather Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 15:04:53 -0500 phaedrus (phaedrus36@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Mr Saklad's humor is way above the average mortal. I find him quite droll. Not quite as funny as that scene in "Meet Joe Black" where Brad Pitt gets hit by two cars and his eyeball bounces away down the street. Hey, maybe if there were a way to combine the two... -- K. Did you know that "Brad Pitt" and "Boston Public Library" have almost the same initials? Makes you not think, doesn't it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Craptacular Weather & Dogs Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 14:16:35 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > I am presently in the process of destroying an accordion, > by sawing *each* *individual* *reed* *shoe* in half with a hacksaw. Still, that's less sadistic than if you actually tried playing it for us. > Ha-ha! This is to create an experimental frankenstein concertina > with unusual mathematical properties. Uh oh, are you creating a musical hexaflexagon? Don't play it while wearing a necktie or you might get sucked into The Other Universe, where monkeys play violins and humans play harmonicas! It's a madhouse! -- K. So how are things over there at the Terwilliger Institute? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2005 03:08:56 -0500 Well, from last Halloween onwards my hair's been various shades of orange (from reddish-orange to yellowish orange), with an occasional day of gold in between the re-bleaching and the re-dying. Last non- orange color was the cobalt blue I had the day before Halloween. Much as I love the orange, it's important to do a different color once in a while to confuse the issue. Maroon is a color that isn't easy to produce with dyes. "Red" dyes give you a red with a pinkish, purplish, or orangish cast. There is no single, safe, water-soluble pigment that will dye hair maroon -- you can only approximate it by mixing other colors. (There are some great maroons in chemistry -- for instance, carmine lake -- but hair dye seems limited to the more Froot Loopy shades.) I've tried working with Manic Panic Vampire Red (which was nice and dark, but too purple) and Special Effects Cherry Bomb (too magenta) and a few others. Tonight I decided to try for maroon again by mixing the dyes I had on hand, knowing I would probably get some off shade but willing to settle for whatever resulted from my experiments. I had a jar of Manic Panic Wildfire (a fluorescent rubine -- aka magenta) to which I added some Jazzing Bold Gold (a transparent goldenrod) until the slime was a nice cherry-skin dark red. I knew it wouldn't be that dark on my hair, but I didn't want to risk mixing in any black, so I put it on my head to see what sort of medium red I'd get. The end result is a bright red, slightly flourescent, like the burners of an electric stove when they're glowing red-hot. The fluorescent quality is muted, but it's still present, and the highlights have a little bit of a magenta sheen. (It'll probably all fade to magenta, so I'll have to bleach it again before that happens, probably about a week from now. At that time I'll put the traditional flame orange back, or perhaps experiment with a mixture of Pillarbox Red and black.) So to sum up: My current hair color is glowing red. Do not look directly at hair. May irritate scalp. -- K. Why do you people keep clamoring for me to post these descriptions?