From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 00:34:42 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mork could travel in time (but only between series) > > incorrect. > > he could also do it *within* a series. or, at least, travel to alternate > timelines. in one episode which for some reason was not a christmas > episode, mork pulled an "it's a wonderful life" and travelled to the > parellel time stream where mindy never met mork, and THEN temporarily > became a russian foreign exchange student and somehow mucked up everyone's > memories. But that wasn't within the same series. He visited "Mindy Without Mork", a completely different show, and "Moscow On The Hudson", which was a movie of some sort and therefore not a sitcom rerun. > the remote cnntrol that mr. bickley once stole in a fit of plotpointmania > also allowed mork to age himself a whole bunch and date mindy's grandma for > a while, which is sort of perverted and also sort of a form of time travel, > if you think about it hard. Yeah, but what about the time he decided he wanted to look like Conrad Janis and just wore the latex bald cap with the stretch marks? Doesn't Mork's fascination with gluing latex to his face to make himself look older come dangerously close to turning him into "Mrs. Doubtfire"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Tootsie"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Little Big Man"? And wasn't that the same movie as any movie starring Andy Rooney would be if anyone ever let Andy Rooney star in a movie in hideous close-up? I tried to work "Dick Tracy" into the string of references to Dustin Hoffman with stuff glued to his face, but decided to save it up for a later comparison to "Rain Man". And at that time, I'll post the complete script for the Robin Williams version of "Rain Man", where he'd be running around screaming "HOT WATER BURN BABY, SHAZBOT!!!" > I bet mork had something to do with the korean war lasting 20 years, too, > although I can't find the episode where mork dressed up as a backwards > father mulcahey and accidentally married frank burns to radar. Are you still sore over that episode where Radar orders the movie "Bonzo Runs For President"? Or all the ones where Hot Lips has the Farrah 'do? Or how "Happy Days" had a pinball machine from fifteen years in the future? Or how "Alien Autopsy" had a curly phone cord? If so, you should SIT ON IT. Nobody likes a persnickety critic! People only like critics who like everything! After all, there's no other reason why Joyce Kulhawik is still on the air. It was so neat watching her coming so close to ripping Roger Ebert's face off just because he didn't like "Pokemon: The First Movie". Which, I hear, is not the masterpiece she thought it was. I wonder whether she has a favorite "Baby Geniuses" movie. Maybe she stays up late at nights agonizing over which of them is better. -- K. I should make a movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:55:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > Last night around 1:30 AM I found the shredded remains of part of > a leather jacket just off Divisadero St in San Francisco. That's nothing compared to the leather you could have found over on Folsom St. > I can only assume that Fonzie, in an attempt to time-travel from the > fake 1950s to the real 2000s, was torn to shreds as he attempted to > jump over a gravitic discontinuity on his motorcycle. You see, the San Jose Sharks aren't playing this year, so he had to jump over a gravitic blezmogobby instead of jumping a shark. But it's okay, Fonzie will re-coalesce periodically because he got sucked into a chrono-synclastic infundibulum which looks exactly like a big Spirograph doodle only invisible. He and his dog, Mr. Cool, will soon manifest themselves where you least expect it, possibly wearing San Jose Sharks hockey uniforms just to make it even more improbable. So how does your theory explain why the city doesn't seem to mind Market St. getting taken over by the crackheads? -- K. I miss the existence of professional hockey. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:44:40 -0500 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > How come nobody notices when I get it RIGHT? > > I've noticed each and every time you get it right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a zinger! And now, a message from Dolly Madison. "Help! The White House caught fire from my quiescently exothermic imitation Twinkies and it's burning down very, very slowly!" -- K. And now, a message from Little Billy and P.J. "Who burned down Dolly's White House? NOTME! Or maybe it was one of the 300 ghosts of dead grandparents that clutter every room here!" Do they still even publish "The Family Circus" or did it get cancelled when David Letterman stopped even insulting it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Public Notice - January Board Meeting Postponed Due to Weather Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 15:04:53 -0500 phaedrus (phaedrus36@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Mr Saklad's humor is way above the average mortal. I find him quite droll. Not quite as funny as that scene in "Meet Joe Black" where Brad Pitt gets hit by two cars and his eyeball bounces away down the street. Hey, maybe if there were a way to combine the two... -- K. Did you know that "Brad Pitt" and "Boston Public Library" have almost the same initials? Makes you not think, doesn't it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 19:16:01 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture > > > -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. > > > > > > She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. > > > > "The horror! THE HORROR!" > > See, that's funny because Kibo often refers to Seth as furniture, so > Seth is acting as if . . . oh, never mind. I won't dignify your ellipsis with a response of any sort because I'm still waiting for someone to make the obvious followup to my article about wrapping Baby Jesus in duct tape so that I can either (a) yell "HOME TAPING IS KILLING BABY JESUS!" to mock the Christian music industry or (b) post the script for a remake of "Bumfights" with an all-five-year-old cast: (ENTER KID WEARING LITTLE PLASTIC BIB WITH STEVE IRWIN'S PICTURE ON IT) KID I am the Crocodile Fighter I mean I am the Bum Fighter I mean the Crocodile Hunter I mean the Bum Hunter I'm going to start over I am the Bum Hunter I am going to wrap you in tape now! BUM Wuh? KID I am wrapping you in tape now you are getting taped up! (KID WRAPS TAPE RANDOMLY AROUND BUM TWO OR THREE TIMES) KID There now you are wearing lots of tape! OTHER KIDS Yay put more tape on him! (CONTINUES UNTIL ALL EIGHT ROLLS ARE USED UP) ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyy! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! BUM Guh... KID I will let you go and give you a guitar if you eat a frog here eat this frog so if you eat the frog you can have a guitar! OTHER KIDS Eww the frog was on the ground! KID Look he's eating the frog! MEXICAN-AMERICAN STEREOTYPE KID Mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira!!!!! ALL ENGLISH-SPEAKING KIDS That frog's dirty eeeeewwwwwwww!!! KID You have to go to the dentist now 'cause you got too many teeth in your mouth but you have to use the pliers yourself so pull all your teeth out okay! OTHER KIDS Yayyyyyyyy!!! KID IN COP UNIFORM You stop that you kids are bad you have to go to jail if you don't say you're sorry! ALL KIDS We're sorry! KID IN COP UNIFORM Yay put more tape on him! ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! So go back to the other article and post a comment about Baby Jesus and duct tape so I won't feel like I wrote that scene for no reason. -- K. Short shameful confession: Though I have not seen any of them and have no intention of seeing any of them, I did ascertain that Amazon.com sells "Bumfights" DVD volumes 1 and 3 but not 2. That must be the one that was morally wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:34:54 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm glad I'm not a cop, > > so I never have to deal > > with loonies, jerks, and > > whiners. Except when I > > go to Sears. But at least > > the customers are nice. > > Hey, now, bucko! I used to work at Sears and I assure you even the > customers are not nice. YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox Of course, this isn't a perfect test, because if you just close your eyes and circle one at random, you still have a 7/8 chance of being hired to work in the Sears tool department. If you accidentally circle "pliers", then you're forbidden to work at Sears because they can't afford to hire geniuses. You have to go put in hours at the Apple Store behind the Genius Bar with the other geniuses serving genius juice to stupid customers who broke their computers by looking at porn. Then the geniuses fix the computers by using tools such as pliers, and when they draw their pliers from their holster and hold them aloft, any passing Sears employees scream "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?" The closest any Sears employee ever came to figuring out what tools were for was when that guy threw the crescent wrench into the air and it turned into a spaceship thanks to a convenient jump-cut. But it would take several truckloads of monoliths to englighten those primordial salesapes to the point where they could tell a pair of pliers from a woxwox. Ever notice that the buttons on the cash registers are labelled in Yerkish? -- K. But yes, Paula, I was being sarcastic when I said the customers are nicer than the nitwits to whom I return broken tools. Everyone's stupid except for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:51:36 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs > > to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: > > > > furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox > > Great. Now I have an image in my head of an old-timey lift > ("aileron" to Yanquistanis) in an old-timey depratment store with > a lift attendant making announcements like on the opening titles > of "Are you being served?": > > First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, > going up... > Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and > furniture, going up... > Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and > coelocanths, going up... > [Fades into an infintely-protracted litany of ill-assorted > gombeenery, forever going up...] ERIC IDLE: Ah, the fourth floor! Now I can return my defective ant! TERRY JONES: Defective ant returns, go past the volvox and the burpo, through the slunch appraisal area, and you'll come to ant returns. ERIC IDLE: Thank you very much! (WALKS THROUGH STORE, PAST JOHN CLEESE DRESSED AS A WOMAN) JOHN CLEESE: Dainty toffee! Dainty toffee! I got dainty toffee for sale, you stinkin' git! ERIC IDLE (to ANT): Pay her no mind, we're going to get you returned and exchanged for a better ant! (CONTINUES WALKING, ENCOUNTERS TERRY JONES AGAIN) TERRY JONES: Hello sir, welcome to the crotch-kicking department. This is where you get kicked in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: What? TERRY JONES: I said, this is where you get kicked in the crotch. With a foot. ERIC IDLE: But my crotch doesn't have a foot. Also I just came in to return my ant. TERRY JONES: Well, sir, this _is_ the crotch-kicking department. You look like a nice gullible person, so I'll guide you to the _real_ ant-return department. Go past inflatable wumbles, ignore the furlax -- it's not your thing -- and over the coelocanths, and watch out, they're poisonous, then stand on one foot in the middle of the eepi department, right after you get your kick in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: No sir, I will not let you kick me in the crotch, I just came in to return my defective ant, and furthermore, I'm never returning to this department store again! (HASTILY EXITS THROUGH DOOR. ZOOM IN ON SIGN OVER DOOR: "CARTOON DEPARTMENT") (CUT-OUT CARTOON ANIMALS EAT HIM) (CUT TO TERRY JONES IN THE COELOCANTH DEPARTMENT, BEATING ONE WITH AN OAR) TERRY JONES: Down, girl! Bad coelocanth! (ENTER GRAHAM CHAPMAN, AS THE MANAGER, SMOKING A PIPE) GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Carry on, then. (PUFFS PIPE AND SPEAKS TO CAMERA) I wonder what's happening over by the volvox. (CUT TO JOHN CLEESE IN A VOLVOX COSTUME) JOHN CLEESE: I'd like to know what the price of Swedish glarno is in Oxford. (CUT TO TERRY GILLIAM AS A VIKING STANDING IN A FJORD) TERRY GILLIAM: I'd-- (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH WITH "OINK, OINK" NOISES DUBBED IN) (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING) MICHAEL PALIN: I'd just like to say that I'm not in this sketch, and you know it's an authentic Python sketch because it's all middle with no ending. KIBO: Lemon furlax? (A COW EXPLODES) -- K. I skipped dinner for this? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 13:50:40 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > Last summer I was in Paris for a few days, where a real, live and rather > attractive French maid, dressed in an authentic French maid outfit, served > me breakfast every morning. > > I did not think that they actually existed. Hey, cool. So, does anyone have a spare plane ticket to Finland? -- K. And how come we're just now finding out about your naughty maid romp? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:43:44 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to notice > the nurse's uniforms. What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have male nurses? You'd like them, I hear that to keep the hospital sterile they have to keep their chests shaved. Maybe they'd send in the male nurses if you got one of those MedicAlert bracelets that says you're allergic to girls and require two twinks a day. -- K. So tell us about your time in the hospital. Did you get your gerbil back? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:17:14 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I [Talysman] just wrote: > > > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAT" > > or "LADDER OF GAY". That's okay, I just cancelled _my_ followup to your article so that I could fix your typo so that your pathetic mistake wouldn't reflect badly on my heftacularly megabang response. > "LADDER OF GAT" would be an entirely different sort of game show, where > contestants would wander down a long hall and try to select only the doors > with fabulous prizes behind them and not those with loaded guns. Make 'em "splurge guns" and you've got "Beat The Clock". But then after you direct that show you'd have to go on to do another which revolves around Hannibal Lecter giving Ferris Bueller dozens of enormous yogurt enemas and then maybe people will start to catch on that there's something really wrong with your brain. By the way, which subset of the peanut gallery finds these references more annoying? The people who never watch any movies, or the vast majority who only watch good movies and not the ones I like to mention? -- K. -> ALAN PARKER -> -> Director - filmography -> -> 1. The Life of David Gale (2003) -> 2. Angela's Ashes (1999) -> 3. Evita (1996) -> 4. The Road to Wellville (1994) -> 5. The Commitments (1991) -> 6. Come See the Paradise (1990) -> 7. Mississippi Burning (1988) -> 8. Angel Heart (1987) -> 9. Birdy (1984) -> 10. Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) -> 11. Shoot the Moon (1982) -> 12. Fame (1980) -> 13. Midnight Express (1978) -> 14. Bugsy Malone (1976) -> 15. The Evacuees (1975) (TV) -> 16. Footsteps (1974) -> 17. Our Cissy (1974) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:05:31 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > > > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to > > > notice the nurse's uniforms. > > > > What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have > > male nurses? > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAY" > game show that I proposed. you could really *torture* these straight > guys by planting doubts in their branes that what they are doing is > perfectly hetero. and you'd enjoy doing it. At first I was thinking that no, you should have some sort of sissy Oscar Wilde type with a pink frilly lace shirt and clear nail polish and really tight cut-off shorts hosting the show to make the straight guys squeamish, but then I realized it'd be better to have a butch guy there just to make the straight guys feel inadequately masculine. At the beginning of every show, you could have a huge pro wrestler in overalls come running in yelling "I'M GONNA ROUGH YOU UP, FUCKERS!" and put each of the straight guys in a different hold just to get them nice and rattled. There's nothing more manly than a guy in a tightly- laced wrestling mask putting someone in a scissorlock and sitting on him. > right as the guy is about to goose a girl for $200, you could say "go > ahead! give him a pat on the ass!" and as the victim paused with doubt, > you would hastily add "OR HER!" and as he started to goose her, you could > stifle a laugh. I think the way that segment should work is that they have to reach through a hole in the set and identify whether they're groping the butt of a man or a woman. And it would always actually be a woman behind there, but that would improve everyone's enjoyment of the look of horror on the guy's face when he can barely force himself to reach in once I've told him, "The last fifty-nine times it was a woman, but you never know, this time it _might_ be a man!" We could also present him with three sexy (female) swimsuit models and lie to him that one of them is really a man, and then all three would start making out with him while he squirmed. The important thing is to try to make them squeamish while they're actually doing perfectly hetero things involving sexy swimsuit models that other homophobes will tune in to leer at before the secret Gay Agenda Signal embedded between the scan lines of the picture goes to work on their brains. The "Videodrome" signal would also be hidden in the picture, mainly because that would give me an excuse to wear a black rubber hazmat suit at the end of the episode where the loser gets electrocuted. Or is that straying too far from your original concept? > also, you'd probably be good at selecting the contestants. as I suggested, > it should be "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"-like, except instead of people waving > funny signs to be picked as a contestant, the audience would mostly be guys > there to see some other guy get humiliated. > > and you would walk amongst them, trying to decide which man is the *most* > eager to see someone else humiliated and the *least* eager to be humiliated > himself. It would be more entertaining to just pick people at random to prove that anyone can be broken, especially if we're going to do the "Videodrome" angle. For instance, did you know that even people who think they're not ticklish are ticklish? You have to know where the magic spots are, but everyone's got 'em if you have the right touch. > I'm still trying to decide whether the television audience at home would > like it better to keep the actual genders of the "girls" secret or to reveal > their genders. it does seem somewhat appealing to flash "ACTUALLY A GUY" or > "ACTUALLY A GIRL" on the screen right as you're goading someone into french > kissing someone. First of all, Fox has already done that. Secondly, a lot of gay people would get upset at any implication that gayness and cross-dressing are related (the straight cross-dressers would protest, too.) Thirdly, there's no way you could make it impossible to tell which of two hot women is really a man when they're standing side-by-side. I say they should all be girls and the show should have no actual gay content whatsoever, it should just all be about trying to make the guys think that they _might_ be doing something gay. "Here, cut this peanut butter sandwich in half... Ah, I see one of our three contestants chose to cut their sandwiches diagonally... So, did you learn that from your Daddy or your Mommy? Mmm-hmm, did you enjoy spending all that time in the kitchen helping Mommy?" Basically, it would be like "Have you stopped beating your wife?" only without any wife-beating. My favorite line from "The Simpsons" is from the episode where Nelson gets caught making out with Lisa -- "You kissed a GIRL! That is SO GAY!" -- and that's how we'd play it. We'd have hetero guys doing the most hetero things possible -- ogling women in bikinis, playing tackle football, and shooting guns -- while we planted seeds of doubt that these actions made them gay. "So, what did you think of the paisley print on her bikini? What, you didn't look at her bikini? What are you, afraid to look at a woman, you homo?" > of course, if you're not available as a host, Eddie Izzard would be > a good choice, too. Or El Chacal De La Trompeta, provided he can bring that guy in the lion suit who carries guys off to his lair. -- K. P.S. With your fantasies about watching guys trying to spot who's the female impersonator, you're _this_ close to being Alan Turing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:54:43 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. With your fantasies > > about watching guys trying > > to spot who's the female > > impersonator, you're _this_ > > close to being Alan Turing. > > You know, the invention of cybering has added all sorts of strange > twists to the idea of the Turing Test. My point was that's what it _was_ when Turing invented it. His thought- experiment, which he called "The Imitation Game", was about whether you could tell the difference between a man and a woman from their writing style. He would have been so amused by this business of straight guys pretending to be chicks on the Internet just to watch other straight guys try to pick them up. "I invented the computer, and now you're using all those gigahertz just to pretend you're a girl for no reason whatsoever? That proves two of my theories -- that you can't tell much about people by talking to them, and that people are bozos compared to these modern futuristic computers I didn't live to see!" If he had lived fifty years later, I bet he would have been the first to draw a flowchart of gaydar. But he killed himself after Big Brother gave him all those estrogen shots to make him grow boobs because he was gay. (I still can't figure out that logic. Sometimes I'm glad the US government doesn't have a health-care system.) -- K. And then there's the Mr. Spock version of the Turing Test, which says that computers can pretend to be men and rule entire planets, but no computer can pass as a woman because it's impossible to program a computer to be that illogical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:37:27 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > off her child, who was late to school. I wonder why the child was > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > appearance. I also had to talk to the kids about not being mean to a > person because someone else dresses weird. They have pajama days > sometimes at the schools, but you have to wear shoes that are > appropriate for walking outdoors and modest PJs. I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." There should be more days when kids are encouraged to all dress up differently from each other, rather than being given permission to all do the same thing at once. There needs to be a day where any kid who is dressed the same as any other kid is ostracized. Of course, if the other kid turns them in first, they get candy. Let's co-opt the McCarthy-era attitudes towards social conformity by getting kids to snitch on kids who aren't nonconformist enough! -- K. Kids should be less obedient and more dangerously unpredictable! Also schools should teach how to play video games so that the kids' friends won't laugh at their feeble skills when they get a job and have a LAN Quake party. Do kids these days still play Quake? I bought one of those Atari joysticks that has ten Atari 2600 games built-in, but it's not right because all the stuff that's supposed to flicker doesn't. Ruins everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:06:45 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically > > makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." > > Of course, if you give *permission* to them to do something and > they do it, they're conforming. The only way to really do it > right would be for the teacher to say "You know, you're not really > supposed to dress like a pirate this Friday, but I think you might > be able to get away with it if you do." Or maybe not. Either that or you could tell the kids something like "There's a good chance George Bush will stop the war if you all dress up like pirates tomorrow," because teachers somehow get away with making the most insane political assertions to the kids. But of course we all know politics doesn't work that way. If you want to effect real change, you have to dress funny, light a candle, hold hands, and sway while singing that song from "The Wizard Of Oz" while looking at a picture of Mary Worth. > > Kids should be less obedient and > > more dangerously unpredictable! > > One day a week, all the kids who are supposed to take Ritalin or > methamphetamines don't, instead giving them to the kids who aren't > supposed to take them. This day is to be chosen at random. Probably by the same idiots in Boston who programmed the jury-duty-selection computer to randomly choose people for jury duty except they didn't know the difference between the rand() and sort() functions and so everyone whose last name is Aaron has jury duty this month. The Boston Globe's headline was "Jury pool unshuffled, leaves court unruffled." > IT'S LIKE A KOALA BEAR CRAPPED A RAINBOW IN MY BRAIN! Tell me something I don't see every day. -- K. Brain rainbows taste bumpy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:37:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > > > off her child, who was late to school. > > You couldn't hit me in the head with a frozen leg of lamb enough times > to make me think this is a problem on any level of reality. Mmm, Dahl-tastic! Want me to dress up as a cop and come over for dinner? I'll bring the CD of Gounod's "Funeral March of a Marionette". > The mom was still in PJs and slippers? WHO THE FUCKING FUCK CARES? > My mother used to go grocery shopping in the 70s with rollers in her > hair and an ugly scarf over it; I bet that's what caused the OPEC crisis. Yeah, but you live in one of those states where it's legal to drive barefoot. In Boston, you can't even ride the subway without a three-piece suit, a bowler derby, and at least one false eyelash. Observe the propaganda posters on the wall of the Kenmore station if you don't believe me. And those guys who come around to your house and put the little plastic padlock on your electric meter? In Boston, they also have guys who go around padlocking pantyhose onto women. > > > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > > > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > > > appearance. > > Oh, for fuck's sake. Can someone send some gonads and extra brain bits > to Paula's part of the world? Why are you obsessed with McChili? > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > In the small town Kansas high school I went to, they had "Dress Like > Your Ancesors Day". Everyone ASS-U-ME-d that we'd all dress like cowboys > and cowgirls. Ed (being 1/4 Japanese) showed up in a kimono. > Unfortunately, he had other clothes on under the kimono, but the point was > made. Hundreds of little Tim McGraw wannabes, one Toshiro Mifune. > I got a huge crush on Ed that day. DON'T TELL HIM! I never had any cowboy ancestors. Just a bunch of boring old knights and barbarians and stuff. Oh, and some cavemen, but that was a while ago -- we've since lost touch with that branch of the family. -- K. Who's Tim McGraw? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Craptacular Weather & Dogs Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 14:16:35 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > I am presently in the process of destroying an accordion, > by sawing *each* *individual* *reed* *shoe* in half with a hacksaw. Still, that's less sadistic than if you actually tried playing it for us. > Ha-ha! This is to create an experimental frankenstein concertina > with unusual mathematical properties. Uh oh, are you creating a musical hexaflexagon? Don't play it while wearing a necktie or you might get sucked into The Other Universe, where monkeys play violins and humans play harmonicas! It's a madhouse! -- K. So how are things over there at the Terwilliger Institute? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2005 03:08:56 -0500 Well, from last Halloween onwards my hair's been various shades of orange (from reddish-orange to yellowish orange), with an occasional day of gold in between the re-bleaching and the re-dying. Last non- orange color was the cobalt blue I had the day before Halloween. Much as I love the orange, it's important to do a different color once in a while to confuse the issue. Maroon is a color that isn't easy to produce with dyes. "Red" dyes give you a red with a pinkish, purplish, or orangish cast. There is no single, safe, water-soluble pigment that will dye hair maroon -- you can only approximate it by mixing other colors. (There are some great maroons in chemistry -- for instance, carmine lake -- but hair dye seems limited to the more Froot Loopy shades.) I've tried working with Manic Panic Vampire Red (which was nice and dark, but too purple) and Special Effects Cherry Bomb (too magenta) and a few others. Tonight I decided to try for maroon again by mixing the dyes I had on hand, knowing I would probably get some off shade but willing to settle for whatever resulted from my experiments. I had a jar of Manic Panic Wildfire (a fluorescent rubine -- aka magenta) to which I added some Jazzing Bold Gold (a transparent goldenrod) until the slime was a nice cherry-skin dark red. I knew it wouldn't be that dark on my hair, but I didn't want to risk mixing in any black, so I put it on my head to see what sort of medium red I'd get. The end result is a bright red, slightly flourescent, like the burners of an electric stove when they're glowing red-hot. The fluorescent quality is muted, but it's still present, and the highlights have a little bit of a magenta sheen. (It'll probably all fade to magenta, so I'll have to bleach it again before that happens, probably about a week from now. At that time I'll put the traditional flame orange back, or perhaps experiment with a mixture of Pillarbox Red and black.) So to sum up: My current hair color is glowing red. Do not look directly at hair. May irritate scalp. -- K. Why do you people keep clamoring for me to post these descriptions? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 01:05:00 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Maroon is a color that isn't easy to produce with dyes. > > Oh I disagree. The standard hair dye colour called "BURGUNDY" will > produce a maroon result if you put enough of it on for long enough. > I've seen people do it. Ick, no. Burgundy has purple in it. Maroon doesn't. Like I said, if I wanted that sort of thing, I'd go with Manic Panic's Vampire Red. I'm looking for more of a carmine lake. Red plus a hint of black, not red plus a hint of purple. Jack Curry (JackCurry2U-DELETE-@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Dear Leader, > > As a newbie here I admit my ignorance and humbly beg for information. What > style do you prefer for your colorful hair? > > 1. Crew cut (Army wannabe) > 2. Flat top (Navy wannabe) > 3. Valentino greased and swept straight back (Lothario from a gas > station) > 4. Parted in the middle (Intellignet nurde) > 5. Grown 10 inches long on one and swept over the bald spot (Disgize) > 6. Page boy (Prince Valiant or Veronica Lake) > 7. Afro (Afro) > 8. Afro with sheen (African Lothario) > 9. Dredlocks (Now we talkin') > 10. Einstein (Low maintenance) > 11. All of teh abuv Imagine a movie poster that says: Billy Bob Thornton _is_ Benjamin Disraeli! Except that I have an Abe Lincoln beard too. Richard Nixon _is_ Abe Lincoln! > I wanna have an emulation. I'm sorry, but five minutes ago, the last emu died. Emus went extinct on purpose, just to keep you from having sex with them. -- K. I'm smarter than Einstein because my hair is not only neater, it's brighter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:37:54 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ick, no. Burgundy has purple in it. Maroon doesn't. Like I said, if > > I wanted that sort of thing, I'd go with Manic Panic's Vampire Red. > > I'm looking for more of a carmine lake. Red plus a hint of black, > > not red plus a hint of purple. > > So, where would that be on the boobah color chart? I've never seen "Boobah", though I understand that it's the same show as "Teletubbies" if all the Teletubbies had lobotomies and eczema. Do they teach the kids the same disinformation as elementary school art class? "If you mix bright blue paint with bright yellow paint, you get bright green!" WRONG WRONG WRONG! You get a muddy desaturated green! And mixing black paint with white paint does not make medium gray! It just makes more black! And what's the point of finger paint? They "teach" finger-painting in school even though it's not really something that you need an expert to teach you ("Now stick your hands in the gunk, then make a mess. There will be a test on this complicated procedure.") and it's useless -- when was the last time you saw a finger painting hanging in a museum next to the Mona Lisa? Also, you can't make _anything_ by braiding gimp. That stiff plastic stuff is one of the world's most useless "art" materials. Doesn't even come in a nice shade of maroon to match my latest attempted hair color. I can't make my gimp do anything interesting no matter how much I abuse it. -- K. The one good thing I can say about "Boobah" is it just made me look up how to spell "eczema". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:16:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do they teach the kids the same disinformation as elementary school > > art class? "If you mix bright blue paint with bright yellow paint, > > you get bright green!" WRONG WRONG WRONG! You get a muddy desaturated > > green! And mixing black paint with white paint does not make medium gray! > > It just makes more black! > > Maybe you're not using ENOUGH white. Experiments in the Deep South > continue... Dude, if you're making your gray paint by mixing one can of black paint with 512 cans of white paint, I've got news for you, it would cost 1/513 as much to just buy a can of gray paint. They make paint in more than five colors now. They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. But boys know that sparkles are not one the five primary colors. > > Also, you can't make _anything_ by braiding gimp. > > Sure you can: a MESS! I meant something I didn't already have one of in every room of my home. > > I can't make my gimp do anything interesting no matter how much I > > abuse it. > > Kontext-Away knows better by now. Kontext-Away knows nothing. The Obvious Bag knows nothing. You saw nothing, you know nothing, you're going to make yourself useful and go out and buy yourself a can of gray paint and take it home and separate it into one can of black paint and 512 cans of white paint. -- K. What, you don't have 513 empty 1/513th-pint cans lying around? (Red Bull comes in them.) By the way, why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:05:28 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. > > Get with the times. These days, girls buy paint with suede and metal > in them. Or at least this girl does. Paint with _suede_ in it? What do you do with that, throw it on people who aren't wearing enough fur? Wake me when they make a paint with black leather in it. That would be the ultimate fingerpaint. I'm envisioning a version of "Goldfinger" where James Bond has to hunt me down after I've finger-painted Jack Black black until he died of whatever version of skin suffocation you can get from wearing too much leather. (Of course we wouldn't really kill him just to make a movie, especially since it's not even possible to wear too much leather.) Why don't they make good James Bond movies any more? Somewhere in Scotland, poor little Alan Cumming is just sitting by the phone waiting to play the role... Come to think of it, he has a small role in the last good one ("Goldeneye") so the producers must have his phone number on file. Let Alan Cumming be Bond! The movie could have a scene where he gets reeeeeally interested in investigating Tom Cruise's friend getting roughed up. The title would be "Never Say Fidelio". -- K. I heard Fidel Castro picked his name just so he could get into that party. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's not torture, just good-natured roughhousing! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 01:18:41 -0500 [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Torture? Not if cheerleaders do it, lawyer claims I think my DVD's defective. It doesn't have a single lawyer mixed in with the cheerleaders who tie up the pizza delivery guy. -> By Jenny Booth, Times Online -> -> Forcing naked Iraqi prisoners to pile themselves in human pyramids -> was not torture, because American cheerleaders do it every year, -> a court was told today. Which day of the year do American cheerleaders force naked Iraqi prisoners to pile themselves in human pyramids, and why isn't it a national holiday? -> A lawyer defending Specialist Charles Graner, who is accused of -> being a ringleader in the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal, -> argued that piling naked prisoners in pyramids was a valid form of -> prisoner control. -> -> "Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight -> times a year. Is that torture?" said Guy Womack, Sergeant Graner's -> lawyer, in opening arguments to the ten-member military jury at -> the reservist's court martial. Yeah, but I think I speak for everyone when I say I'd like to see the cheerleaders do it naked, with sacks over their heads. -> Sergeant Graner and Private Lynndie England, with whom he fathered -> a child and who is also facing a court-martial, became the faces -> of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal after they appeared in -> photographs that showed degraded, naked prisoners. -> -> The prosecution showed some of those pictures in their opening -> argument, including one of naked Iraqi men piled on each other and -> another of Ms England holding a crawling naked Iraqi man on a -> leash. -> -> Mr Womack said that using a tether was a valid method of -> controlling detainees. "You're keeping control of them. A tether -> is a valid control to be used in corrections," he said. "For instance, we tell inmates that if we're good we'll take them out into the exercise yard and play tetherball with them." Then he yelled "WINK!" while flailing his arms and holding up a cardboard cutout of a speech balloon above his head showing a stick figure torturing another stick figure. -> [...] -> -> He faces up to 17 years in prison on charges that include -> mistreating detainees, dereliction of duty and assault. He has -> pleaded not guilty. Maybe he's hoping that those photos -- the photos of him torturing people -- will be declared insane. Because they were photographed using Kodak's wacky new film that's advertised as "insanely realistic" and "3000% more hallucinatory than dipping your head in a bucket of drugs!" It's kah-razy! -- K. The solution to this controversy is simple: From now on, Army interrogators should all be cheerleaders. "Talk, or we'll turn you over to Muffy!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was. Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:21:52 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Something About K. Jan. 11, 2004. > > I may have to move from my e-mail address > johnfwin@mlode.com > to my other computer which has my wife's name on it. > It is called > rebajean@mlode.com > My server has asked me to go to a Windows format and that will > take some time. > > Here is something an Internet friend sent me. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > From: E > Subject: Kennedy And UFOs. > John, > I saw Bill Ho-den speak about the K. exit - '63 in 1995. Ah yes, I remember that episode. Lu-y set her no-e on fi-e. Then she and I got jobs in a can-y facto-y but the candies came down the conveyor belt too fast so I skedaddl-d through the emerg-ncy e-it. That's why nobody r-members that I was in that episod-. It had a laugh t-ack. > Bill spoke about the time alone he and K. spent on AF One and stated K. > told him of this intention to tell everyone about UFOs - "soon." He > validated what I saw on a home video that showed the limo driver > doing the sho-ting. The tape I saw was not so clear, but several > replays showed the driver sh-oting K. with his left hand while > looking into the rear view mirror. Of course. If you're right-handed, when you shoot someone in a mirror you have to use your left hand. Otherwise it's all backwards and the bullet comes out of their corpse and flies into your gun and blows your own hand off. It's Einstein's Law Of Boomerang Zones. > I spoke with Bill at the break and he stated the copy he saw > was crystal clear and left no doubt. The common copies of the K. > exit doesn't give close ups showing the driver. Bill stated > about 50 persons were elim-nated afterwards. Those with home > movies of the exit were asked to give them as evidence and for > their support, were later exec-ted. The limo driver's name was > William Gre-r. Mr. Gr-er was supposedly e-iminated at a later > time, but I've read elsewhere he passed within the last 5-10 > years from natural causes. I took pretty in depth notes from > Bill's lecture and found it to be very interesting. > Thank you for providing additional info on the subject. > E So when's the big rollerball game? > John Winston. johnfwin@mlode.com Wait, I'm confused. If you're using your wife's computer, than who's using your computer? Are you your wife? -- K. When two hetero people get married, how do they decide which is the woman? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Annie! Annie! Are You Okay? Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:32:16 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > one of my two New Year's resolutions was to eat more veggies. > > i may need to reconsider that, though. i brought carrots and > > radishes (mmmmm!) in my lunch today and all was well until i > > started on the carrots. apparently? if you crunch them up > > into tiny pieces and inhale them? they will make you cough? > > and cough? and cough? until you die of asthma? or you die > > of a ruptured lung? > > all they did for me was block my intestines. Really? If so, I have some old candy here you might like. Jar Jar candy. It's now so old it's all permanently fused to the wrapper, but that hardly matters. Also, it's still Jar Jar. -- K. In about twenty years, all teens will switch from using text-messaging- speak to Jar Jar language. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More! Darla! Bait! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:42:23 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Don't tell anyone on ARK this because it would totally kill my macho > reputation, but SSC: in the winter I keep my thermostat turned down to > around 63F in order to encourage my kitties to cuddle up with me at night. Dude, you are not a macho, macho man. You're probably not even macho with your hair. Nobody's gonna call you Mr. Eagle, even if you become a really good pro golfer. > God, I'm so lonely... There's a place where you can go, unless Bruce Jenner and Steve Guttenberg are already working out there in which case, run away or they'll beat you up. You could try going in the navy. I hear it's a life of ease. -- K. 63F is really cold. I like it about 80F. Makes my leather jacket soft and supple. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What a pain in the neck Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:49:55 -0500 "Dark an Liturgical Mister Hole Esq." (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Literally, my neck hurts, a lot! I'm debating whether I should call the > doctor's office or give it a number of days? You can stop dreaming about delicious, delicious marshmallows now that you've eaten the entire pillow. > The insurance company makes it so difficult its almost easier to take > the discomfort for a few days if it means it'll clear up in a week or > so. I was in a car accident last week, not that serious, and the other > driver was at fault because he failed to yield to me, but I'm still > playing phone tag with his and my car insurance companies because > nothing can ever be simple any more and there's no way I'm paying to > get my car fixed. Anyone know what whiplash feels like, (Wacky calliope music plays at double speed for six hours which seem like 12) Yes. (The Obvious Dancers pop out of The Obvious Bag and do the Frug until morning) Anyone else who wants to find out, see me after class. Bring your own Bactine. > I'm curious if that's what's wrong or if I've got meningitis. > Given my recent luck I'm sure its something bad. Check the mirror, make sure the other "d" isn't going to fall out of your name. -- K. Also, that wasn't a marshmallow. Real ones aren't usually full of dry feathers, unless you're eating Lucky Charms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 14:21:07 -0500 [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Writing just to keep the 'streak' alive -> -> by Tim Rowland -> -> It's taken almost 45 years, but I now know exactly what my station -> is in life: I'm the first guy people think of to call when there's -> a streaker at Wal-Mart. But if you were the streaker, then who would we call? -> The call came across the police scanner on Tuesday, and the -> astonishment in the dispatcher's voice wasn't dry yet, when people -> were coming up right and left saying, "Hey, you'll want to hear -> this, there's a streaker at Wal-Mart." -> -> Then came the cell phone calls. There must have been people in the -> parking lot agonizing over which number to punch in first, 911 or 5131. Why would someone call 911 over a mere streaker? Is public nudity really an emergency? Maybe Burgess Meredith would think so if he had just broken his eyeglasses, but otherwise, it hardly seems like something to get upset over. -> Let me ask you something, why do you think I would care? What is -> there about some textile-challenged dude outside of a discount -> store that makes you think of me? Inside a discount store, it's too dark to... oh, the hell with it. Just tell us all about Mr. Wacky Wal-Mart Weenie Waver. -> Is that all I am to you? Some doofus who traffics in lowbrow -> circumstance, who swims among the lowest common denominator of -> human existence feeding off the scraps of humanity's bottomless -> chum bucket? It's not bottomless, the hole in the bottom got plugged up years ago by Oprah. -> Well, let me tell yoouuu something. I have feelings, too. I have -> an intellect. I have more to offer than rube commentary on a -> surplus of skin. All my life I have struggled to succeed. I have -> toiled at the wheel of journalistic ethos, logic and wisdom. And -> do I get any credit for this? Oh, no. All I get is, "Hey, better -> call Tim because there's a streaker at Wal-Mart." -> -> I have a mind, folks. I can talk intelligently about Social -> Security reform, I can list the known carcinogens in coal-fired -> generating plants, I know the latest archaeological findings at -> the ancient city of Nineveh. And you care about none of this. Oh, we care, all right -- we care to never read about that. -> But my goodness, let some fella go wagging his way down the -> sidewalk in a retail district, and you can't hear from me fast -> enough. -> -> Well, from now on, it's going to be different. No longer am I -> going to stoop to your level. I hereby resolve to use this space -> only for discourse that has some modicum of intelligencia, to use -> the power of the print to elevate, not debase, the human -> condition, to educate, to enlighten, to... -> -> Oh, all right fine, here's your freaking streaker column. I will bet five dollars that at the Herald Hyphen Mail's next office party, someone's going to send you a male strip-o-gram. What did you say your phone number was? 911 or 5131? -> After all, I can't recall a streaker since that guy at the Suns -> game back in the early '90s. And that went well. He made it to the -> top of the clubhouse before he was corralled, as I recall. -> -> This is Reason No. 246 of why I could never be a police officer. -> The thought of chasing a naked man in public has no appeal. HEY HEY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NAKED MAN WHO STEPPED ON HIS BANANA??? THE COPS ARE APPEALING HIM OFF THE SIDEWALK RIGHT NOW!!! -> In private either, I should hasten to add. And when you catch him, -> who's going to pat him down? Not me. -> -> The photo on the front page was priceless. There was the streaker -> up against the wall with three other guys standing around who -> looked as if they'd just come out of an upper level college course -> in Averting Your Eyes. You can get credit for that course by just trying to watch the movie of "The Cat In The Hat". No human can possibly keep their eyes within that letterboxed rectangle of awful for more than three seconds. -> Apparently there was some behind-the-scenes drama between Wal-Mart -> security and the photographer. A security guard approached the -> photographer and demanded he hand over his film. -> -> How precious is that? Where else but Hagerstown, home of the last -> remaining mullet in captivity, would a photographer these days be -> asked for his "film." -> -> If I were the photographer, I would have said, "No you can't have -> my film, but I'll give you my daguerreotype plates and you can -> come over to my house later for a game of pinochle while we listen -> to the Victrola. Now you'll excuse me, I need to get into your -> store to buy a bottle of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin and some -> mustache wax. This is Jewitt & Knapp dry goods store, isn't it?" -> -> I suppose he could have been speaking metaphorically, though. -> After all, it is a little awkward to say "I'm sorry, sir, but I'll -> have to confiscate your SanDisk Ultra II 512 megabyte secure -> digital card." "I took the photo with a camera phone so it went directly onto the Internet. Go ahead, confiscate the Internet." You gotta love rentacops who think they have more power than real cops do. Real cops don't back off when you glower at them. If you look threatening, rentacops will just go find some innocent grandma to harass instead. -> By the way, too bad the guy -- who calmly dropped his pants at one -> end of the shopping center and strolled to the other -- didn't make -> it as far as the greeters, don't you think? That would have been -> cool. "Good morning and welcome to Wa..." and about that time the -> bifocals come into focus and, "...EEEEEK!" Best they could do was -> let him in and steer him to the aisle where they keep the underpants. Or, if it's a K-Mart, steer him to the floor where they keep the underpants. Seriously, K-Mart should just stop trying to have shelves. Just dump the stuff on the floor where the customers are going to throw it anyway. I think the last time a staffer attempted to tidy up a K-Mart was around the time Eisenhower was born. -> I loved the police quote, that the man appeared "lucid, at -> points." Which points? When he was naked in front of Pier 1 or -> when he was naked in front of Circuit City? Hopefully, he didn't -> do any window shopping; that's the last image you want to see -> pressed up against the plate glass. -> -> OK, that's it. There's the story. I hope you're happy, because I'm -> not proud of it. AGAIN! AGAIN! -- K. When do I get my own column? If I don't get it, I'm going to keep streaking Wal-Mart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:23:20 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Cat In The Hat". No human can possibly keep their eyes within that > > letterboxed rectangle of awful for more than three seconds. > > YAY! I -KNEW- I was a changeling all along; now Kibo acknowledges it! > I couldn't peel my eyes OFF that train wreck for three seconds, for dread > that something worth seeing might happen and I'd miss it forever. Calm down -- not all extreme masochists are changelings. Even if you were a changeling, you'd just be the "Star Trek" type and not the type Arthur Conan Doyle believed in. You'd run around confusing Captain James Tiberius Kirk with Jackson Roykirk because that was back when James Tiberius Kirk's middle initial was still "R". And I'd have to snap you out of it by showing you "Solar Crisis" where Jack Palance yells that his initial is "AHRRRRRRRRRR!" but the problem is you'd probably like that movie too and I don't think I could sit through it a fourth time. > It was nearly as mesmeric as watching my former second-level manager, > an adept statistician, squirm through a videotaped presentation where > he had to explain how Six Sigma was really Four And A Half Sigma-- > and that was Exactly Good Enough. What were you doing to make him squirm? And where did you put the extra One And A Half Sigma? Hey! Speaking of movies that make you squirm! I just got a (really, really cheap) DVD of the "Dungeons & Dragons" movie (the first one, that is) and if you want, you can come over and listen to the commentary track about how these Hollywood wizards made this movie what it turned out to be. If you wait a couple more days, my bootleg of "Titicut Follies" should be here so we can have a double feature. I'm told it's a wacky, zany uplifting comedy about the nice people at the mental institution behind my favorite Thai restaurant. Though I suppose that, with your taste in movies, you'd want to watch "Titicut Follies" back to back with "Patch Adams". BLAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHH! -- K. Mommy, Robin Williams makes me blarf! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 14:51:59 -0500 Further details on last week's exciting case of the Wal-Mart streaker and the guy who took his photo. I ignored this back when it happened, but now that the silly photo has turned up I have to bring it to everyone's attention. Take a look: http://www.herald-mail.com/?module=photos&photo_id=5604 (mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_01_walmart_streaker.jpg ) Note that this is the photo the Wal-Mart rentacops tried to confiscate, and I think it's brilliantly composed -- note how it's framed so that the tiny little red running ped is streaking out of frame at far right. Also the shopping carts serve the same purpose as that long plank those two guys carried through the camp in that "M*A*S*H" episode where Hawkeye walked around naked and nobody noticed. Here's the article which originally accompanied that photo: [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Strip mall stripper -> -> Nude man at Centre at Hagerstown taken to hospital for psychiatric care -> -> by Andrew Schotz -> andrews@herald-mail.com Hey, Andrew, how come we can write fan letters to you but not the guy who wrote the second, funnier article complaining that everyone wanted him to be the one to write the article about the naked man? You're all serious and journalistic and unbiased, but Tim Rowland has a true gift for writing wacky stuff about his favorite subject, naked men! -> HAGERSTOWN -- A man strolled naked outside at the Centre at -> Hagerstown on Tuesday before police took him to Washington County -> Hospital for psychiatric care. -> -> "He just got undressed" and walked, Officer Chris Robinson of the -> Hagerstown Police Department said. Usually strippers don't require any heavy equipment or other assistance. They do indeed just get undressed and walk. Would anything have been different if he got naked and then flew a zeppelin through the store? -> The man, who was not identified, "was lucid at points," but didn't -> fully understand what had happened, Robinson said. -> -> Robinson said the man, who might be homeless, would not be charged. That's 'cause if people find out that Wal-Mart usually charges five bucks to streak there, they'll all go to Target instead. At Target, everybody streaks free! -> At around noon, Duane Roy, a computer network administrator for -> The Herald-Mail, was at the shopping center on his lunch break -> when he saw the naked man jogging, then walking. -> -> The temperature was about 53 degrees then, according to weather -> observer Greg Keefer's Web site. Streakers serve an important social purpose because they cause us to pay more attention to our thermometers. -> As shoppers gawked and made cell phone calls, Roy stopped and took -> pictures from his car as the man approached Wal-Mart. Roy said -> he's a freelance photographer and keeps a camera in his car. -> -> Then, he drove past the man, parked his car, got out and took more -> pictures as the man passed Wal-Mart. -> -> As the man turned around and went back past Wal-Mart, store -> employees wrapped him in a blanket. "Hey, free blanket! My scam worked!" -> Roy said a store official told him not to take pictures or publish -> them without getting permission. Then, a man in a suit who -> identified himself as a store security official ordered him to -> surrender his camera, Roy said. -> -> Roy said he refused, so the man demanded the film in his camera, -> unaware that it was a digital camera. Lesson learned: Always tape an old can of 35-millimeter film to the back of your digital camera for when the store's head idiot tries to illegally confiscate your film. -> Again, Roy refused. He locked the camera in his car. -> -> "He said if I didn't turn the camera over to him, he would have me -> arrested" and ban him from the store, Roy said. OH NO! BANNED FROM A WAL-MART STORE! Being banned from Wal-Mart is the opposite of "cruel and unusual punishment". It's gentle, happy punishment. "Ahh! I've been banned from Wal-Mart's crap shack!" -> Attorney Mary R. Craig, who represents The Herald-Mail, said Roy -> "certainly was well within his rights" to take pictures. -> -> The store can set limits, such as on taking pictures inside, but -> the expectation of privacy probably is less outside, she said. -> -> She said Roy probably didn't violate anyone's privacy, especially -> the naked man's. Unless he was one of those guys who copyrighted his penis. Like Ron Jeremy and Roddy McDowall. -> Alice Neff Lucan, an attorney who represents the -> Maryland-Delaware-D.C. Press Association, said Wal-Mart -> "emphatically" had no right to demand Roy's camera. -> -> "He didn't violate any of Wal-Mart's rights and he didn't violate -> the streaker's rights," she said. "He just took a picture of what -> was in the public's view." -> -> The Herald-Mail is a member of the press association. -> -> Store manager Frank Archer couldn't be reached for comment -> Tuesday. -> -> Co-manager Barry Brown said the security officer demanded Roy's -> film -- not his camera -- because Roy didn't have permission to take -> pictures on Wal-Mart's property. But he was in his car when he started taking pictures. Does this mean that Wal-Mart claims eminent domain over all cars, trucks, and mobile homes which may have ever passed through their parking lot? -> Brown said he didn't see the confrontation, but heard about it. -> -> Wal-Mart corporate spokeswoman Christi Gallagher in Bentonville, -> Ark., said she hadn't heard what happened. -> -> In general, though, the company insists that all requests for -> pictures, inside or outside its stores, be made in advance, she said. -> -> If a photographer doesn't get permission, a store manager would -> tell him or her to call the corporate office, Gallagher said. -> -> "We don't confiscate cameras," she said. "It's just like that scene in 'Take The Money And Run' where the bad kids didn't confiscate Woody Allen's eyeglasses. They left them right there on the ground after stomping on them." -> Roy said police officers at the scene decided that store officials -> couldn't seize his camera, but they could ban him and have him -> arrested for trespassing if he returned. -> -> He said no one at the store took his name, so he doesn't know how -> the ban will be enforced. And because Wal-Mart employees can't read, they'll never know who he is! Also, even if they did figure out what Duane Roy's name is (and I'm not telling), how would they enforce this? Are they planning to make all their customers wear name tags from now on? There would be no way around that system! -> Wal-Mart and The Home Depot own their buildings, while the other -> stores at the center lease space from Washington Real Estate -> Investment Trust of Rockville, Md., according to Deborah Everhart, -> Hagerstown's economic development coordinator. At Home Depot, if an employee catches you taking a photo, they just say something like, "Duh, me wearing orange apron backwards, what year are it?" If you don't believe me, try asking them for a left-handed nut and see if they can find one without sticking their hands down their pants. (Home Depot's employees are the ones who couldn't get jobs at Sears.) -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -> -> Wal-Mart's photo policy -> -> Wal-Mart's policy that all photos taken on its property must be -> approved in advance includes breaking news coverage, company -> spokeswoman Christi Gallagher said. -> -> The company requires the media -- or anyone else -- to get approval -> before taking pictures in Wal-Mart stores or on Wal-Mart property, -> she said. -> -> Asked if journalists photographing unexpected news, such as a -> fire, need the same permission, Gallagher said they do. What if I have a camera with a wet flash that has to take a photo in order to squirt water in order to take a photo? Would my ethics and morals require me to watch everyone in Wal-Mart burn to death, or could I just take all the photos I wanted to save the store because it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission especially when Wal-Mart can't do a damn thing about people and their cameras? -> After hours, a journalist should call the company's 24-hour -> corporate hotline before taking pictures, she said. -> -> -- Andrew Schotz Here's another Constitutional crisis. Suppose your local Wal-Mart explodes. Is it legal to call a 24-hour corporate hotline and shout "FIRE!" just so you can take a picture? I'd think that at that point, you'd have to take a picture, just so you could prove you yelled "FIRE!" on the phone for legitimate reasons. -- K. There aren't any Wal-Marts near me. I wonder why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:45:23 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose your local Wal-Mart explodes. Is it legal to call a 24-hour > > corporate hotline and shout "FIRE!" just so you can take a picture? > > > > [...] > > > > There aren't any > > Wal-Marts near me. > > I wonder why. > > Kibo: You didn't burn them all down, did you? Mister Tim, meet Mister Diagram. Mister Diagram, meet Mister Tim. One of the two of you should draw arrows all over the place until the other says "Oh! Kibo meant to say that! He wrote that article on purpose!" and then your house explodes on a 24-hour corporate hotline where people can call in and pay three dollars a minute to hear your stuff burning. I did go to a Wal-Mart this weekend. The only thing I bought was an ice cream scoop. The cashier asked if I was planning to have ice cream that night. I made up an answer she wouldn't have trouble understanding. Then I destroyed the entire shopping center with an ice cream scoop. Then I made up an ending to this story so that people would think I had an exciting evening destroying the entire shopping center instead of just taking the ice cream scoop home and forgetting I bought it. -- K. Ice cream scoops are good, ice cream catapults are better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 20:28:50 -0500 Hey, look! It's another exciting newspaper editorial about how a newspaper writer is sick of hearing about other newspaper writers reporting on stupid stuff happening at Wal-Mart! [www2.townonline.com] -> -> Chianca: Welcome to Planet Wal-Mart -> -> By Peter Chianca / At Large -> -> Thursday, January 13, 2005 -> -> I don't know about you, but I sort of miss the days when Wal-Mart -> was harmless. You know, back when they were just a mammoth -> conglomerate putting small retailers out of business and forcing -> manufacturing jobs overseas, thus helping to cripple the U.S. -> economy. They were almost lovable then. Wait, you're not allowed to use sarcasm in a newspaper! That's almost as bad as expressing an opinion in a standup comedy act! -> Now, though, they're downright scary. It's not just that every -> time you go into one you get this niggling feeling that you might -> just never come out, like a Roach Motel. It's more that Wal-Marts -> have become little planets unto themselves, where the citizens all -> laugh at our silly Earth customs, content in the knowledge that -> someday we'll all be subjugated and wearing little blue smocks -> just like them. What do you mean "our" silly Earth customs, puny Terran? We Space Vikings are not afraid of Wal-Mart, except for their creepy greeters. -> Just look at some of the stories to have come out of Wal-Marts in -> the last week alone: -> -> * In Kansas, two employees became the latest of several couples -> to get married in Wal-Mart stores, this most recent pair getting -> wed at Register 3 -- the same checkout lane where they met and -> where the engagement had taken place. We can only hope they at -> least moved over to Housewares for the honeymoon. (badly-distorted loudspeaker voice:) "Cleanup in aisle five. Divorce in aisle seven." -> * In Miami, a woman was just convicted of poisoning her -> Wal-Mart supervisor by putting rat poison in his soda. According -> to the Associated Press, the woman said she was just trying to -> force him to go home sick, but it's hard to believe that in the -> entire Wal-Mart all she could find was rat poison to do that ... -> Don't they carry Velveeta? Eww! Velveeta! I'd rather have the rat poison. And does it have to be soda? I like Gatorade. Plus you can add rat poison to it without changing the taste. -> * In Hagerstown, Md., a naked man wandered up to the store, but -> that's not the weird part -- he was probably just looking for the -> stonewashed Dickies. The situation went really over the top when -> Wal-Mart threatened a freelance photographer who snapped pictures -> of the man with lifetime banishment from store. I'm not sure -> exactly how they enforce that, but I'm picturing a series of -> furtive walkie-talkie exchanges by men in blazers, followed by a -> full body smackdown in Garden & Patio. I don't think Wal-Mart lets you get one of those for free, even in their Smack Whore department. -> * Even animals who get on the company's bad side aren't safe, -> if a story out of an Evansville, Ill. Wal-Mart is any indication. -> Apparently the manager there ordered two assistants who had been -> keeping a cat in a trailer behind the store to "get rid" of it, -> leading them to -- what else? -- shoot it repeatedly with a pellet -> gun they took from the sporting goods department. Again ... -> Velveeta? Again, eww. Don't forget the story about the Wal-Mart greeter who was fired for showing all the shoppers a naked photo of himself: [www.qctimes.com] => => [...] Wooten's application for unemployment compensation => was rejected recently by Administrative Law Judge Susan Brightman, => who ruled that "a reasonable person would know the act of showing => a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the => employer's business." He should've shown them a photo of Ronald McDonald wearing a Target sack. -> My point is, I want to shop in a store, not a twisted little -> serfdom where everybody's going around getting married and -> poisoning each other, like "Romeo and Juliet" with giant bags of -> cheap Fritos. And if you don't think it's gotten that bad, check -> out the walmart.com job listings for the Bentonville, Ariz. store, -> which is looking for a "Homeland Security Manager." Makes you -> yearn for a simpler time, when terrorists had less interest in the -> place where you bought your underwear. I wish all the terrorists in the world would focus all their efforts on Wal-Mart and STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING. Every day I live here is like 24 episodes of "24". I've started keeping a three-hole black ski mask in my pocket just in case I ever have to fake an armored-car robbery at a convenience store in order to detail a terrorist operative until the real-time satellite surveillance system can be activated by that whiny woman from "Mr. Show" who always looks like she's about to burst into tears for no reason. -> Not that Wal-Mart has nothing to offer -- there is that cheap film -> processing. And the cheap DVDs. And the cheap socks, gloves and -> pajamas. And the cheap ... Well, let's face it, it's all fairly -> cheap. But so is crack the first couple of times you get it. (And -> at least with crack you don't have to wait for 20 minutes before -> realizing what you're on isn't a line for a register, it's a -> pileup behind a cart that got caught between a stack of TVs and -> the giant singing Santa Claus.) It was my local K-Mart where they had one orange cart that had wandered in from the Home Depot next door -- Home Depot's man-size carts are a couple of inches wider than K-Mart's Martha-Stewart-sized carts, and so this orange cart would actually get wedged whenever someone tried to take it down a checkout lane, and then hilarity would ensue. I suspect that cart may have been planted by terrorists. -> The way I see it, we might have to pay a little more, but in the -> end I think we'd all be better off if we stuck with stores without -> their own ozone layers, and that aren't hotbeds for romance, -> murder, drama, intrigue and possible infiltration by terrorist -> organizations. Call me old-fashioned, but I'll take a nice, little -> mom-and-pop operation any day. -> -> So if you need me, I'll be in Target. Note that nobody has ever written about anything wacky happening at Sears. Nobody likes Sears. Not even terrorists. -- K. I like the Super 88 Supermarket. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: bad users (was: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain) Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 15:21:55 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > True conversation overheard when I was a postdoc at (mumble) University: > LUSER: I just logged in to my new account, logged out, and now I can't log > back in again! > HELPDESK_CREATURE: Hmm, let's see...(clickety-click).... Well, you can't > log in because your authority files are gone. There should be files > called X and Y in here. > LUSER: Oh, those! I hadn't put them there, so I just deleted them! > HD_C: I've noticed that, in general, people who are operating computers but shouldn't be operating computers have a mental model of the world which commands them, "If you see something and you don't know what it is, you better throw it away." I used to work upstairs from a shop where people could actually walk in off the street (carrying a floppy containing their only copy of their entire life's work, wrapped in aluminum foil) and sit down at a Mac or Windows computer. Typically the machines would become inoperable at least once a week because random operating system files would get deleted (not maliciously, just through aggressive incompetence.) The people thought they were helping by cleaning out all those weirdly-named and therefore useless files from the System Folder. Worse, because in those days the way you ejected a floppy from a Mac was to drag the disk icon to the trash can icon, it ingrained into these people "When you're done using something, put it in the trash," they'd also throw out the copy of PageMaker 4.2. Those machines had to get restored at least once a week. (There was no serious security in those days.) As a result, I think the basic proficiency test for people with new computers should include the question, Under what circumstances is it okay to throw a file away? (a) Only if you know exactly what it is and will never need it (b) Any time you don't know what it is (c) Any time you're done using it for today ...those who fail should have their computer secretly replaced with a WebTV or GameBoy or Mattel Busy Box or something, so that they'll be less likely to bug their friends and neighbors with the line, "My computer's broken, I don't know what happened, I didn't do anything and it broke all by itself." > Wherever he is now, he's probably still scared of fat short-tempered > lesbian anti-male feminist computer geek IT helpdesk creatures with > Kibo-lile hairstyles. I don't know what a lile is, but are you saying you know a woman with a full beard? -- K. And why are you talking about bearded ladies in this thread about people exposing themselves at Wal-Mart? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 15:48:59 -0500 Man, the Herald-Hyphen-Mail from somewhere in Mary-Hyphen-Land is a heck of a newspaper. They carry more articles mentioning streakers at the Wal-Mart in Hagerstown than all of Boston's papers combined! [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Tuesday January 11, 2005 -> -> Mail Call -> -> Editor's note -- Please be as brief as possible when calling Mail -> Call, The Daily Mail's reader call-in line. And please be even briefer when calling that "Mail Call" TV show hosted by R. Lee Ermey. 'Cause it really cuts into the 24 hours a day R. Lee Ermey spends screaming at people to do more push-ups. -> Mail Call is not staffed on weekends or holidays so it is best to -> call Mail Call during the week. The Mail Call number is 301-791-6236. -> -> You are welcome to leave a recorded message on any subject, but -> some calls will be screened out. You must include your town or -> county of residence. -> -> Here are some of the calls we have received lately: -> -> "I think the doctors are looking at the wrong answer. [...] Doctors should switch to getting their answers from anonymous newspaper call-in gripe lines. It's the American way! -> "Concerning the front page story in the paper the other day about -> the nude guy at Wal-Mart. It's seems to me that your paper would -> do anything to have an eye-catcher for your paper. You would do -> anything to have people pick up a copy of your paper. I think it -> was ridiculous to have a picture like that to draw the eye." -> -> -- Greencastle, Pa. So let's see, how many thousands of soldiers and Iraqis have we seen shot, tortured, and beheaded in the news media in the past year? Oh, yeah, more than one. We saw one naked guy surrounded by security people and shopping carts so that we could sort of see that his shoulder was undressed. Go back to showing violence, don't let the good people of Greencastle use their imaginations to fantasize that someone, somewhere, might be naked! In Greencastle, people are never naked, even under their clothes! -> "It is illegal to allow a cat to roam. [...] What if the cat buys a cell phone which says "no roaming charges"? -> "The troops overseas -- why don't you take the overcrowded prisons -> and take some of the prisoners and let them help fight the war -> instead of building more prisons?" Dear newspaper's answering machine, Please fix the entire world. Here is my crackpot idea in a sentence. There now everything is better. Q.E.D., The End, I win!!!! -> "Is anyone out there interested in Christmas cards? I have a lot -> of them to give away. [...] I heard Craig Shergold was seen building a prison while running around naked. Maybe he could make himself some clothes out of tens of thousands of Christmas cards and it would keep him so busy that he'd stop building prisons. -> "I came down far West Church Street today. It's raining, ugly and -> I turned into Rockwell Avenue and saw the prettiest Christmas -> lights up in the daytime. It is so inspiring to see this. Everyone -> should go up that way and see them." Okay, so we take the prisoners out of prison and send them to see the Christmas lights, but only if they promise not to let us see when they expose themselves. -> "Thanks to the lady who put her recipe for lemon cookies in the -> paper. I fixed them over the holidays and they were great. -> Everyone tried them and loved them. I just can't see what all the -> talk about these cookies were. The lady won $100 for them. Good -> for her. If you don't like them, don't bake them." I'm still not sure where this newspaper comes from, but I gather it's not the world's most exciting town if it's being torn apart by controversy over how not everybody liked the taste of the cookies they all baked when they read the recipe in the transcript of the unsolicited anonymous recipes called in to the newspaper's unattended answering machine. -> "Why don't we have a Macy's store in Hagerstown? Has anyone ever -> considered putting one here? I know they have one down in -> Centreville, Va., and it's a really nice store." "I am tired of only having a Wal-Mart to streak at..." -> "I would like to say hello to Dave Hannah of Hagerstown. I think -> he is the nicest person in the entire world." "His hands are so gentle when he arrests me for streaking at the Wal-Mart..." -> "Bob Maginnis wrote an article at the end of December about how -> the residents of Washington County have welcomed people coming to -> the area from the outside. We moved here about six or seven months -> ago and have not felt welcomed at all. [...] "We have made great efforts to fit in, such as calling the newspaper's recorder to bitch about anything and everything just like everyone else here." -> "I just wanted to say what a good job the town of Williamsport did -> on their Christmas lights and what a good job the house on Bottom Road -> did with the big Christmas tree they had lit up. It was really pretty." I wonder what Bottom Road was before they renamed it? -> "I am calling about the people with the dogs tied to chains -> outside all day. [...] "...and they're NUDE!" -> "If your neighbor leaves his Christmas lights on all day and -> night, that is his business. If you can't get any sleep, close -> your blinds or hang a towel up at your window. He doesn't own the -> electric company, he just enjoys Christmas like most of us do. So -> stop being a bah humbug." I'll bet a nickel that this caller's attitude would reverse if it was a giant spinning dreidel outside his window. -> "What a tremendous service this column provides for our area. I -> have had lots of calls about the White Oak Forest Elementary -> School Reunion. I do need to correct the e-mail address. It is -> tywsdaly@adelphia.net. There was no 'E' in daley. Keep up the -> great work, Mail Call." "Also, there was no 'E' in 'There was no 'E' in daley.'" -> "Does anyone know how to crack Brazil nuts easily without breaking -> them all up?" His Latino heritage is irrelevant! Stop talking about the naked guy! -> "Isn't that parking deck at the hospital owned by the hospital? I -> don't believe it is owned by the City of Hagers-town. The -> individual who claims to have seen a police officer checking the -> parking meters, I think if you had looked at his uniform a little -> more closely you would have found out that he was a security -> guard." -> -> -- Hagerstown Coming soon to the Herald-Hyphen-Mail: An all-hyphen-out war between the cities of Hagerstown and Hagers-Hyphen-Town over which one has the most nudity at their Wal-Hyphen-Mart. -> "I just heard on the radio where the United States government has -> donated $350 million so far to the earthquake victims and another -> billion dollars from companies and private citizens. It's all well -> and good and I know that this was one of the greatest disasters that -> this country has ever been faced with, but the bottom line is -- -> the Muslim people hate us now and they are still going to hate -> us even after we send all that money over there." Oh, so _that's_ why we were sending money to the tsunami victims. I never learn facts like this unless I listen to the people who phone the newspaper's back page. -> "For those of you still whining and can't get over Bush winning -> the election, just a few facts. [...] Bush is there, doing a great -> job and the economy is great." Yeah, so great that the average Hagerstown shopper can't even afford clothes at Wal-Mart. -> "To the person in Greencastle who states: "To all dog lovers, -> people should have a dog and leave it on a chain and then wonder -> why it barks.' Just to let you know, we do have dogs. [...] AUGH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THE OTHER THREE THINGS EVERYONE WHO READS THIS NEWSPAPER'S FILLER PAGE IS OBSESSED WITH AND GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT WEE WAL-MART WILLY'S WEE WILLY! -> "Just because you have stink bugs in your house doesn't mean that -> your house is dirty." Wait, news like that belongs on the _front_ page. -> "To the lady who walked away with my raincoat at the Women's Club -> and left hers hanging there, please return it to Linda and she -> will see that I get it." Better yet, donate it to Wal-Mart Wanko so he can change from a streaker to a flasher. Then he'll only be offensive 50% of the time. -> "To the person who stated that healthy, mature, decent individuals -> are not driven crazy by crying babies, barking dogs, etc. That is -> true, but not all individuals are healthy, mature and decent." Hey, just because he was waving Mr. Winky at all the merchandise in Wal-Mart doesn't mean he's unhealthy, immature, or indecent. Well, okay, I'll grant you indecent. But still, nobody got hurt -- and if someone _did_ get their eye put out, it would be vitally important for the newspaper to tell us about it. -> "I know Maryland has a lot of tax on gas but it's the same -> throughout all the states. Why is it so much in Maryland?" 'Cause it has to pay for all the electricity the state wastes from their citizens calling newspapers. -> "One question, what is the mission? The United States military -> will do everything and anything that has to be done, however, what -> is the mission? We don't know, what is it?" We must build Wal-Marts in Iraq and then enforce a strict "no streaking, no cameras" policy. -> "Found: High school class ring with the name Tammy on it. If Tammy -> has lost her ring and can identify it, it was a 1985 high school -> ring. [...] Therefore, if she hasn't lost her ring and can't identify it, then it's a 2037 barbersugeon college ring. (Logic is a little bird sitting in a tree.) -> "To the person who lost a box at the 15-mile marker on New Year's -> Day. It appeared to be a new box that was just purchased. It was -> in the westbound lane, it was off to the right. If you can -> describe what's in the box, I will return it. [...] James Woods's head? -> "I want to suggest that maybe people in Hagerstown could consider -> boycotting the gas pumps in Hagerstown and buying their gas at -> other stations outside the county. [...] But that's a long way to streak! -> "I am a rocket scientist from Boonsboro. [...] Ding! That's the sound of me dropping a nickel into the Catchphrase Jar! -> "The gas in Boonsboro is only $1.75 a gallon." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! -> "Just commenting on people wondering why gas is $1.69 in -> Greencastle and $1.79 in Maryland. Maryland pays taxes for decent -> roads and decent everything and Pennsylvania lets their roads turn -> into pot hole haven and clusters." Mmm, peanut brittle with peanut haven and clusters. Wait, this isn't the message about peanut brittle. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! -> "I agree with the person who called in about property taxes rising -> again. If they keep rising like others, I will be selling my home. -> My house payments started at $599 a month. In a few years, it has -> jumped up to $640. It's rough to try and keep up the household -> bills that are increasing as well. Those who sit at that big table -> at City Hall don't have this kind of worry. I think it's time to -> change those who sit at that table. I don't really want to lose my -> home and I am sure nobody else does, either." Oh, but I _do_ want to lose your home. 'Cause I'm a big meanie who is making fun of all you people who are wasting time calling the newspaper to -- oh, never mind. I just want to finish this article so I can go shopping, because I've already spent an hour on this. -> "To the people complaining about city taxes going up, perhaps the -> city manager and some of the professional employees in the city -> are more to blame." "Especially the reference librarians at the Boston Public Library's secret Hagerstown, Maryland branch." -> "I have two comments about downtown. [...] That's nice. Next! -> "I am calling about the woman in the paper the other day [...] Yeah, whatever. -> "I want to give a response where someone asked for a state of -> Maryland number to report abuse or report the misuse of state -> funds. I have that number, it is 1-866-760-7175." What about the misuse of a newspaper to waste my time? Stop talking already, I'm tired of reading this page of filler! -> "To the Mail Call line: This is for my mom who lives on South -> Locust Street. She reads your column every day and we just want -> her to know how much we love her. We love you, Mom, from the -> Smithsburg area." But why don't you love that family that just moved in next door six months ago? You know, the ones that were thirty or forty recordings back? WHY THE HELL AM I READING THIS? -> "Bank of America in Frederick, at all their locations have a -> donation box for the tsunami victims. [...] Yeah, but _my_ local Bank Of America put their rainbow flag back up after they finished repainting. I bet yours only collects for heterosexual tsunami victims. -> "To the person who has the very simple recipe for peanut brittle. -> Call back and please share your simple recipe with the rest of us." Step 1: Buy peanuts. Step 2: Let them get old, and then they'll be brittle. Step 3: You're welcome! -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -> -> CopyrightThe Herald-Mail ONLINE THANK GOD IT'S OVER! IT'S ALL OVER! I'M GOING TO WAL-MART NOW! -- K. Gotta go to Wal-Mart, yeah. Definitely not wearing my underwear. Three minutes to Wapner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More public exposure in the news (was: SIMS2) Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 07:03:46 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > But of course! I seem to remember to check in with ARK for the daily news > before reading the more valid sources. That's usually sufficient to scare > the crap out of me so bad I'm afraid to go read the real deal,especially > when it's Kibo who has been doing the reporting. Excellent! In my local news, a prominent story in the Boston Herald today is about how one of the editors of the Boston Globe has been going around wanking his weenie in front of women in his neighborhood. Curiously, I don't recall seeing this story in the Globe. The highlights: [thetrack.bostonherald.com] -> -> ``When the victims answered the door, they observed the suspect, -> Marquard, standing outside in the hallway, in front of their -> apartment door, naked and masturbating in front of them.'' You don't want to know how he rang the doorbell while his hands were busy. -> The women said it was the second time the Globie had put on a peep -> show for them. Hmm, if the perverts who work for the Boston Globe are called Globies, what do we call the perverts who work for the Boston Herald, Boston Phoenix, and Christian Science Monitor? -> ``Approximately three weeks ago, as they arrived home, they -> noticed that the suspect's door was open and he was sitting in a -> chair in plain view steering (sic) at them masturbating,'' the -> police report says. While he was steering, did he yell "ARRRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!"? -- K. And did he drive to Wal-Mart? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Royal Matchup: Lizzie -vs- Harald Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 16:30:35 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Who would win in a fight between Queen Elizabeth The Second of Great > Britain and Northern Ireland, and King Harald of Norway? I reckon > Lizzie would win, because she's got EXCALIBUR which is like PLUS SIX > or something, and Harald probably doesn't even have an artifact sword. Yeah, but he's supported by an army of bloodthirsty Vikings, while she's just got all that attention from the tabloid newspapers. I bet she doesn't even have a CapitolOne credit card. Plus, he's a man and she's an incredibly old woman who's too frail to even move her arm when she waves at the crowds of tabloid paparazzi pretending to be her supporters. I think the big question is, who would win in a fight between Superlizabeth, Bat-Harald, and Spider-Hitler? -- K. And why would they be fighting? Can't they all get along in Londinium? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Meow meow meow etc. Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:03:33 -0500 Ted Frank alerted me to this lurid newspaper story from some sleazy underground rag: [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Fresh Details Emerge on Harsh Methods at Guantanamo -> By Neil A. Lewis -> -> WASHINGTON, Dec. 31 -- Sometime after Mohamed al-Kahtani was -> imprisoned at Guantanamo around the beginning of 2003, military -> officials believed they had a prize on their hands -- someone who -> was perhaps intended to have been a hijacker in the Sept. 11 plot. -> -> But his interrogation was not yielding much, so they decided in -> the middle of 2003 to try a new tactic. Mr. Kahtani, a Saudi, was -> given a tranquilizer, put in sensory deprivation garb with -> blackened goggles, and hustled aboard a plane that was supposedly -> taking him to the Middle East. What exactly is "sensory deprivation garb" other than blackened goggles? Prison clothes that _don't_ chafe? -> [...] -> -> Interviews with former intelligence officers and interrogators -> provided new details and confirmed earlier accounts of inmates -> being shackled for hours and left to soil themselves while exposed -> to blaring music or the insistent meowing of a cat-food -> commercial. I knew it! All recent international affairs have been secretly masterminded by the big cat food cartels! That's why all those inmates they've released have had cravings for Purina brand Cat Chow (chow chow chow) and Meow Mix (meow meow meow) and... wait, did I just say they released some inmates? Never mind, I clearly made up that part. -> In addition, some may have been forcibly given enemas as punishment. Good newspaper reporting style mandated the use of "forcibly" in that sentence just in case we thought there was a chance all these prisoners really wanted enemas, 'cause as you know, most people love enemas. -> [...] -> -> "We are detaining these enemy combatants in a humane manner," -> General Miller told reporters in March 2004. "Should our men or -> women be held in similar circumstances, I would hope they would be -> treated in this manner." "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my lunch -- hand me that big grease gun filled with Nine Lives." -> [...] -> -> Journalists who were permitted to view an interview session from -> behind a glass wall during General Hood's tenure were shown an -> interrogator and detainee sharing a milkshake and fries from the -> base's McDonald's and appearing to chat amiably. EWWWWWW! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! McFREAKIN'DONALDS!!!! INHUMANE! BARBARIC! CAT-FOOD-LIKE-PEOPLE-FOOD! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! -> It became apparent to reporters comparing notes in August, however, -> that the tableau of the interrogator and prisoner sharing a McDonald's -> meal was presented to at least three sets of journalists. "You're going to pretend we're being nice to you because these reporters are here. So if you don't pretend that McRib sandwich tastes edible, we're going to give you another 5000 fire-hose enemas." "Is it okay if I just fake-bite it?" -> [...] -> -> Military officials who participated in the practices said in -> October that prisoners had been tormented by being chained to a -> low chair for hours with bright flashing lights in their eyes and -> audio tapes played loudly next to their ears, including songs by -> Lil' Kim and Rage Against the Machine and rap performances by Eminem. Is it really still counterculture when Big Brother is strapping you down and forcing you to listen to it? Also, can't the Army afford to upgrade from "audio tapes" to CDs or DVD-audio discs or an evil iPod full of MP3s? -> In a recent interview, another former official added new details, -> saying that many interrogators used a different audio tape on -> prisoners, a mix of babies crying and the television commercial -> for Meow Mix in which the jingle consists of repetition of the -> word "meow." I find that a mix tape of the Meow Mix commercial, the Purina Cat Chow commercial, and the "Batman" theme song yields the perfect mix of the three fundamental elements which compose all life on this planet -- the word "meow", the word "chow", and the word "Batman". Some scientists believe there is a fourth element, which they have named "la", but that's just silly. -> [...] -> -> "We do not discuss specific interrogation techniques nor do we -> identify any specific detainee," Colonel Sumpter said in a -> statement. "All detainees are safeguarded and are assured food, -> drink, clothing, shelter, health care and basic rights, all in -> accordance with the Geneva Convention. The U.S. does not permit, -> tolerate or condone torture by any of its personnel or employees." (Cut to R. Lee Ermey gently whispering in a recruit's ear, "Your feelings are valid and you're unique and special and here, have this bouquet of roses, I picked them just for you. They're from my organic garden. Now let's hug!") -> Colonel Sumpter said that the interrogation regimen at Guantanamo -> had produced useful intelligence "based on trust and not out of -> fear or duress." And don't forget McLove. "If you don't confess, we won't let you have any Special Sauce. You'll just get a Big Mac with ordinary sauce. It's just Thousand Island dressing from a 55-gallon drum, not the special magical fairy sauce they normally use at McDonalds!" -> [...] -> -> None of the approved techniques, however, covered some of what -> people have now said occurred. Mr. Kahtani was, for example, -> forcibly given an enema, officials said, which was used because it -> was uncomfortable and degrading. IMPORTANT INFORMATION FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: ENEMAS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. Tune in tomorrow and the New York Times will figure out whether cotton candy is fluffy! -> Pentagon spokesmen said the procedure was medically necessary -> because Mr. Kahtani was dehydrated after an especially difficult -> interrogation session. Another official, told of the use of the -> enema, said, however, "I bet they said he was dehydrated," adding -> that that was the justification whenever an enema was used as a -> coercive technique, as it had been on several detainees. Are you sure he wasn't just asking for "more Eminem"? Because everyone loves asks for more Eminem almost as much as they like asking for more enemas. -> [...] -> -> It is unclear whether the Justice Department's new, broader -> definition of torture, posted on the department's Web site late -> Thursday, would have affected operations at Guantanamo. That depends. What sort of iMacs do the prisoners get to surf the Web with? -- K. My definition of torture: It's anything someone does to someone where I can point at them and say "HAW HAW!" Especially if Ronald McDonald is involved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sigh, it's come to this... Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:26:51 -0500 Okay, I can't hold it back any longer, it's time for me to announce that I've been secretly filming a new "reality" TV show which has as much appeal as "The Apprentice" and "American Idol" combined. Here's the script for the first episode: (KIBO IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK. ONE BY ONE, PEOPLE WALK PAST.) KIBO You suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... (COMMERCIAL AFTER THE FIRST 500 PEOPLE SUCK. THEN START OVER.) KIBO You suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... NARRATOR After this commercial break, we'll learn who really sucks! (COMMERCIAL.) KIBO (pointing directly into the camera lens) You suck! (CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER A MONTAGE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF TONIGHT'S EXCITING EPISODE) I call this perfect new TV show "The You Suck Show". It's all about determining who sucks and who doesn't. I'll be rich! I just hope nobody ever makes fun of my fiberglas-looking toupee! -- K. This show is for entertainment purposes only and does not contain Martha Stewart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sigh, it's come to this... Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:50:04 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I call this perfect new TV show "The You Suck Show". It's all about > > determining who sucks and who doesn't. I'll be rich! I just hope > > nobody ever makes fun of my fiberglas-looking toupee! > > great concept > will help lots of people in their everyday's life behaviour You suck! -- K. It's so much fun to say that. Also, I've trademarked it, so now you can't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sushi! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:31:32 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > What do you people like in your norimaki sushi? You have two hours to > > tell me. My local restaurant does their cheapie norimaki with green > > pepper, crab, and pineapple. It's good. Yum. > > The two most important additional ingredients for really good sushi: > > 1. Thousand-island dressing > 2. Monterey jack > 3. Bacon 4. None of that gross black seaweed 5. No fish 6. No Monterey Jack But keep the bacon, with a side of Thousand Island dressing for dipping. Also turn down the volume of that tape of cats saying "MEOW MEOW MEOW" in Japanese. -- K. Besides, it's supposed to be shrimp tempura if you've ever seen "Ichi The Killer". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 01:53:34 -0500 Remember how, soon after it became technologically cheap to retouch footage of babies so that they appear to lip-sync to adult voices (you know, "Baby Geniuses" etc.) there was an annoying series of commercials in which the annoying "Baby Bob" with the annoying voice of Brian Doyle-Murray annoyingly sold annoying computers? And then, in a fit of telestupidity, CBS immediately decided to base a TV sitcom on those commercials, and "Baby Bob" the show was the #1 TV show over on the planet Sucko? Well, "Baby Bob" is now doing commercials for Quizno's subs. That's right, we're supposed to buy their sandwiches because they're advertised by a talking baby who used to be in a flop sitcom based on a computer commercial. Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats Baby Bob during one of the Pets.com dog's car-insurance commercials. -- K. Hey, Baby Bob: NGETTAMTAQ. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:08:36 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other > > and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other > > companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats > > Baby Bob [...] > > I'm pretty sure that Baby Bob is no longer voiced by the same guy -- > I don't think it's even supposed to be the same baby, just some talking > sarcastic baby. Nick, Nick, Nick. Of _course_ it's the same baby. Why would they go to all the expense to train a second baby to talk and to never age? Just in case you still don't believe me, this is the AdWeek article I read back when I was researching my initial report. [www.adweek.com] -> -> Talkative Baby Bob Is Back for Quiznos -> -> January 07, 2005 -> By Randi Schmelzer -> Los Angeles -> -> The first Quiznos advertising since its polarizing spongmonkeys -> spokescharacters went into hibernation last year launches this -> Sunday during ABC's Desperate Housewives, according to the -> restaurant chain's new lead agency, independent Siltanen & Partners. I had actually seen the commercial at least once before then (and no, I don't watch "Desperate Housewives") so apparently they were testing their new Bob Bomb in my area before taking him national to irritate 300,000,000 people. -> At the center of the campaign -- estimated to be worth as much -> as $60 million -- is Baby Bob, the diaper-wearing toddler with a -> 35-year-old wit the El Segundo, Calif.-based agency created -> in 1997 to drive traffic to a now-defunct Web site. The -> character soon became popular enough to warrant his own -> short-lived TV show. Gee, none of the Web sites I'm associated with are "now-defunct". Therefore, I deserve more than $60,000,000. Gimme money, gimme money! -> Bob has apparently not aged a day. In the first commercial, -> for Quiznos Real Deal sandwich line, Baby Bob talks about how -> much he would love to eat a Quiznos sandwich. Unfortunately, -> he has no teeth. And that's why the babies in "Baby Geniuses" were better than Baby Bob. Because the animators added teeth to their mouths in order to make them look more natural when they talked or bit people in the neck and drank their precious adult blood. -> "But when my molars grow in, I'm all over this stuff," -> paraphrased Rob Siltanen, creative director of the 25-person -> shop. Others behind the creation of Baby Bob include creative -> directors Joe Hemp and Rex Fish, animation company The -> Syndicate and production house Japanese Monster. Media is -> being handled by OMD. Other members of Baby Bob's entourage include his creative diaper-changer, his creative cue-card-holder, his creative gofer, and his creative best boy (who is actually a fetus, not a boy, and also, none of these people is in any way creative.) -> "Having a spokesperson [or baby] is a really smart move: -> He can talk directly about [the] product, to showcase and -> romanticize the food," Siltanen said. Romanticize? Eww. "HEY MAW! COME LOOK AT THUH TEE-VEE! THAT BABY MAKES THAT SAMMWICH LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO FUCK!" -> "I always felt like with the right client, the right business plan, -> [Bob] would be awesome." "And then, once the commercials flop, Quizno's will have an easy way to dispose of him during their sale on baby veal torpedoes." HAVE I GONE TOO FAR? Oh, fuck you, it's only Quizno's. And I don't even care whether they don't like me putting an apostrophe in their name. I did it to McDonald's, I'm doin' it to Quizno's. -- K. Ronald McDonald can kiss my talking ass. And by the way, Nick, what were you saying about challenging the accuracy of my fact-based reporting on TV commercials? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:39:40 -0500 And, yo, Nick Bensema, here's a new article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer about Baby Bob. You know it's gotta be a smart newspaper with a name like "Intelligencer". It's the newspaper that intelligences you up! [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Monday, January 17, 2005 -> -> The Insider: Baby Bob lands on his feet with Quiznos gig Babies always land on their feet, no matter how far they fall. That's why talking babies always survive that plunge into the Under-Inferno, the subject of that lost fourth volume of Dante about what happens to talking babies, who are even worse than unbaptized babies and the Popes who fathered them. Hey, if Dante was so smart about which Popes went to which level of Hell, how come his books never mentioned where Pope Ye went? He was clearly evil, always punching people hard enough to make them go flying into outer space, snorting spinach through his crack pipe, and screwing boneless, anorexic women. -> THE BABY THAT NEVER AGES: He's back. Baby Bob -- who got -> his start as the infant spokestot for Federal Way's -> Freeinternet.com and later went on to star in his own CBS -> sitcom -- is now hawking submarine sandwiches for Quiznos. And when they say "hawking", then mean he makes a lot of noise as he spits a glob of mucus onto each one. -> The character of Baby Bob -- described by Quiznos as a -> 40-year-old man trapped in a baby's body -- was originally -> based on Freeinternet.com founder Bob McCausland. ...who had the mind of a baby trapped in a 40-year-old-man's body. -> When the free Internet service provider flopped in October 2000, -> Baby Bob miraculously landed his own short-lived CBS comedy. Sadly, it wasn't even as funny as the former company's hilariously 'tarded revenue model. -> Now, the infant with the deep voice and supposed "140 IQ" has -> resurrected his career again. This time it's with Quiznos, -> which is using the cuddly infant -- who can't eat solid foods -- -> to make a point about its new line of toasted sandwiches. Hey, wait. If a child has a 140 IQ, that means he's as smart as someone 140% his own age, which means he actually has the brain of a seventeen-month-old in a twelve-month-old's body. He can't yet be smart enough to understand that Quizno's food is yummy, in fact, he's not even smart enough to understand that Quizno's food _isn't_ yummy. -> In one television advertisement, Bob sits in a director's -> chair and tells the story of how he craved a turkey sub that -> his mom ordered from Quiznos. -> -> "You know what she gave me: stringed peas. I love the gal, -> but that's just wrong," he says. Mmm! Stringed peas! The musical legume! The more you eat, the more you KABOOM! I'm gonna go right over to Quiznos and demand some stringed peas. -> The campaign, which debuted last week on "Desperate -> Housewives" and "24," will run through 2005, Quiznos -> spokeswoman Stacie Lange said. I still say I don't see why it's so hard to catch those terrorists if they