From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 00:34:42 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mork could travel in time (but only between series) > > incorrect. > > he could also do it *within* a series. or, at least, travel to alternate > timelines. in one episode which for some reason was not a christmas > episode, mork pulled an "it's a wonderful life" and travelled to the > parellel time stream where mindy never met mork, and THEN temporarily > became a russian foreign exchange student and somehow mucked up everyone's > memories. But that wasn't within the same series. He visited "Mindy Without Mork", a completely different show, and "Moscow On The Hudson", which was a movie of some sort and therefore not a sitcom rerun. > the remote cnntrol that mr. bickley once stole in a fit of plotpointmania > also allowed mork to age himself a whole bunch and date mindy's grandma for > a while, which is sort of perverted and also sort of a form of time travel, > if you think about it hard. Yeah, but what about the time he decided he wanted to look like Conrad Janis and just wore the latex bald cap with the stretch marks? Doesn't Mork's fascination with gluing latex to his face to make himself look older come dangerously close to turning him into "Mrs. Doubtfire"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Tootsie"? And wasn't that the same movie as "Little Big Man"? And wasn't that the same movie as any movie starring Andy Rooney would be if anyone ever let Andy Rooney star in a movie in hideous close-up? I tried to work "Dick Tracy" into the string of references to Dustin Hoffman with stuff glued to his face, but decided to save it up for a later comparison to "Rain Man". And at that time, I'll post the complete script for the Robin Williams version of "Rain Man", where he'd be running around screaming "HOT WATER BURN BABY, SHAZBOT!!!" > I bet mork had something to do with the korean war lasting 20 years, too, > although I can't find the episode where mork dressed up as a backwards > father mulcahey and accidentally married frank burns to radar. Are you still sore over that episode where Radar orders the movie "Bonzo Runs For President"? Or all the ones where Hot Lips has the Farrah 'do? Or how "Happy Days" had a pinball machine from fifteen years in the future? Or how "Alien Autopsy" had a curly phone cord? If so, you should SIT ON IT. Nobody likes a persnickety critic! People only like critics who like everything! After all, there's no other reason why Joyce Kulhawik is still on the air. It was so neat watching her coming so close to ripping Roger Ebert's face off just because he didn't like "Pokemon: The First Movie". Which, I hear, is not the masterpiece she thought it was. I wonder whether she has a favorite "Baby Geniuses" movie. Maybe she stays up late at nights agonizing over which of them is better. -- K. I should make a movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:55:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > Last night around 1:30 AM I found the shredded remains of part of > a leather jacket just off Divisadero St in San Francisco. That's nothing compared to the leather you could have found over on Folsom St. > I can only assume that Fonzie, in an attempt to time-travel from the > fake 1950s to the real 2000s, was torn to shreds as he attempted to > jump over a gravitic discontinuity on his motorcycle. You see, the San Jose Sharks aren't playing this year, so he had to jump over a gravitic blezmogobby instead of jumping a shark. But it's okay, Fonzie will re-coalesce periodically because he got sucked into a chrono-synclastic infundibulum which looks exactly like a big Spirograph doodle only invisible. He and his dog, Mr. Cool, will soon manifest themselves where you least expect it, possibly wearing San Jose Sharks hockey uniforms just to make it even more improbable. So how does your theory explain why the city doesn't seem to mind Market St. getting taken over by the crackheads? -- K. I miss the existence of professional hockey. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:44:40 -0500 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > How come nobody notices when I get it RIGHT? > > I've noticed each and every time you get it right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a zinger! And now, a message from Dolly Madison. "Help! The White House caught fire from my quiescently exothermic imitation Twinkies and it's burning down very, very slowly!" -- K. And now, a message from Little Billy and P.J. "Who burned down Dolly's White House? NOTME! Or maybe it was one of the 300 ghosts of dead grandparents that clutter every room here!" Do they still even publish "The Family Circus" or did it get cancelled when David Letterman stopped even insulting it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Public Notice - January Board Meeting Postponed Due to Weather Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 15:04:53 -0500 phaedrus (phaedrus36@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Mr Saklad's humor is way above the average mortal. I find him quite droll. Not quite as funny as that scene in "Meet Joe Black" where Brad Pitt gets hit by two cars and his eyeball bounces away down the street. Hey, maybe if there were a way to combine the two... -- K. Did you know that "Brad Pitt" and "Boston Public Library" have almost the same initials? Makes you not think, doesn't it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: End-of-year newspaper filler Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 19:16:01 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > -> Dec. 21, 6:30 p.m.: A woman may have been attacking her furniture > > > -> with a knife in the 500 block of Almond Drive. > > > > > > She was arrested for tablicide, couchery, and aggravated furnication. > > > > "The horror! THE HORROR!" > > See, that's funny because Kibo often refers to Seth as furniture, so > Seth is acting as if . . . oh, never mind. I won't dignify your ellipsis with a response of any sort because I'm still waiting for someone to make the obvious followup to my article about wrapping Baby Jesus in duct tape so that I can either (a) yell "HOME TAPING IS KILLING BABY JESUS!" to mock the Christian music industry or (b) post the script for a remake of "Bumfights" with an all-five-year-old cast: (ENTER KID WEARING LITTLE PLASTIC BIB WITH STEVE IRWIN'S PICTURE ON IT) KID I am the Crocodile Fighter I mean I am the Bum Fighter I mean the Crocodile Hunter I mean the Bum Hunter I'm going to start over I am the Bum Hunter I am going to wrap you in tape now! BUM Wuh? KID I am wrapping you in tape now you are getting taped up! (KID WRAPS TAPE RANDOMLY AROUND BUM TWO OR THREE TIMES) KID There now you are wearing lots of tape! OTHER KIDS Yay put more tape on him! (CONTINUES UNTIL ALL EIGHT ROLLS ARE USED UP) ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyy! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! BUM Guh... KID I will let you go and give you a guitar if you eat a frog here eat this frog so if you eat the frog you can have a guitar! OTHER KIDS Eww the frog was on the ground! KID Look he's eating the frog! MEXICAN-AMERICAN STEREOTYPE KID Mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira mira!!!!! ALL ENGLISH-SPEAKING KIDS That frog's dirty eeeeewwwwwwww!!! KID You have to go to the dentist now 'cause you got too many teeth in your mouth but you have to use the pliers yourself so pull all your teeth out okay! OTHER KIDS Yayyyyyyyy!!! KID IN COP UNIFORM You stop that you kids are bad you have to go to jail if you don't say you're sorry! ALL KIDS We're sorry! KID IN COP UNIFORM Yay put more tape on him! ALL KIDS Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! So go back to the other article and post a comment about Baby Jesus and duct tape so I won't feel like I wrote that scene for no reason. -- K. Short shameful confession: Though I have not seen any of them and have no intention of seeing any of them, I did ascertain that Amazon.com sells "Bumfights" DVD volumes 1 and 3 but not 2. That must be the one that was morally wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 02:34:54 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm glad I'm not a cop, > > so I never have to deal > > with loonies, jerks, and > > whiners. Except when I > > go to Sears. But at least > > the customers are nice. > > Hey, now, bucko! I used to work at Sears and I assure you even the > customers are not nice. YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox Of course, this isn't a perfect test, because if you just close your eyes and circle one at random, you still have a 7/8 chance of being hired to work in the Sears tool department. If you accidentally circle "pliers", then you're forbidden to work at Sears because they can't afford to hire geniuses. You have to go put in hours at the Apple Store behind the Genius Bar with the other geniuses serving genius juice to stupid customers who broke their computers by looking at porn. Then the geniuses fix the computers by using tools such as pliers, and when they draw their pliers from their holster and hold them aloft, any passing Sears employees scream "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?" The closest any Sears employee ever came to figuring out what tools were for was when that guy threw the crescent wrench into the air and it turned into a spaceship thanks to a convenient jump-cut. But it would take several truckloads of monoliths to englighten those primordial salesapes to the point where they could tell a pair of pliers from a woxwox. Ever notice that the buttons on the cash registers are labelled in Yerkish? -- K. But yes, Paula, I was being sarcastic when I said the customers are nicer than the nitwits to whom I return broken tools. Everyone's stupid except for me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the Sears tool department (was: End-of-year newspaper filler) Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2005 05:51:36 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > YOU worked at SEARS? Okay, a claim that astonishing needs > > to be tested. Circle the name of the tool in this sentence: > > > > furlax swoiden glarno iftiffle pliers zumbar eepi woxwox > > Great. Now I have an image in my head of an old-timey lift > ("aileron" to Yanquistanis) in an old-timey depratment store with > a lift attendant making announcements like on the opening titles > of "Are you being served?": > > First floor, furlax, swoiden and glarno, wigs and haberdashery, > going up... > Second floor, iftiffle, pliers, ladies' underwear, zumbar and > furniture, going up... > Third floor, barratry, cooperage and eepi, woxwox and > coelocanths, going up... > [Fades into an infintely-protracted litany of ill-assorted > gombeenery, forever going up...] ERIC IDLE: Ah, the fourth floor! Now I can return my defective ant! TERRY JONES: Defective ant returns, go past the volvox and the burpo, through the slunch appraisal area, and you'll come to ant returns. ERIC IDLE: Thank you very much! (WALKS THROUGH STORE, PAST JOHN CLEESE DRESSED AS A WOMAN) JOHN CLEESE: Dainty toffee! Dainty toffee! I got dainty toffee for sale, you stinkin' git! ERIC IDLE (to ANT): Pay her no mind, we're going to get you returned and exchanged for a better ant! (CONTINUES WALKING, ENCOUNTERS TERRY JONES AGAIN) TERRY JONES: Hello sir, welcome to the crotch-kicking department. This is where you get kicked in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: What? TERRY JONES: I said, this is where you get kicked in the crotch. With a foot. ERIC IDLE: But my crotch doesn't have a foot. Also I just came in to return my ant. TERRY JONES: Well, sir, this _is_ the crotch-kicking department. You look like a nice gullible person, so I'll guide you to the _real_ ant-return department. Go past inflatable wumbles, ignore the furlax -- it's not your thing -- and over the coelocanths, and watch out, they're poisonous, then stand on one foot in the middle of the eepi department, right after you get your kick in the crotch. ERIC IDLE: No sir, I will not let you kick me in the crotch, I just came in to return my defective ant, and furthermore, I'm never returning to this department store again! (HASTILY EXITS THROUGH DOOR. ZOOM IN ON SIGN OVER DOOR: "CARTOON DEPARTMENT") (CUT-OUT CARTOON ANIMALS EAT HIM) (CUT TO TERRY JONES IN THE COELOCANTH DEPARTMENT, BEATING ONE WITH AN OAR) TERRY JONES: Down, girl! Bad coelocanth! (ENTER GRAHAM CHAPMAN, AS THE MANAGER, SMOKING A PIPE) GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Carry on, then. (PUFFS PIPE AND SPEAKS TO CAMERA) I wonder what's happening over by the volvox. (CUT TO JOHN CLEESE IN A VOLVOX COSTUME) JOHN CLEESE: I'd like to know what the price of Swedish glarno is in Oxford. (CUT TO TERRY GILLIAM AS A VIKING STANDING IN A FJORD) TERRY GILLIAM: I'd-- (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH WITH "OINK, OINK" NOISES DUBBED IN) (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE APPLAUDING) MICHAEL PALIN: I'd just like to say that I'm not in this sketch, and you know it's an authentic Python sketch because it's all middle with no ending. KIBO: Lemon furlax? (A COW EXPLODES) -- K. I skipped dinner for this? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 13:50:40 -0500 fB (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > Last summer I was in Paris for a few days, where a real, live and rather > attractive French maid, dressed in an authentic French maid outfit, served > me breakfast every morning. > > I did not think that they actually existed. Hey, cool. So, does anyone have a spare plane ticket to Finland? -- K. And how come we're just now finding out about your naughty maid romp? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:43:44 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to notice > the nurse's uniforms. What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have male nurses? You'd like them, I hear that to keep the hospital sterile they have to keep their chests shaved. Maybe they'd send in the male nurses if you got one of those MedicAlert bracelets that says you're allergic to girls and require two twinks a day. -- K. So tell us about your time in the hospital. Did you get your gerbil back? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:17:14 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I [Talysman] just wrote: > > > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAT" > > or "LADDER OF GAY". That's okay, I just cancelled _my_ followup to your article so that I could fix your typo so that your pathetic mistake wouldn't reflect badly on my heftacularly megabang response. > "LADDER OF GAT" would be an entirely different sort of game show, where > contestants would wander down a long hall and try to select only the doors > with fabulous prizes behind them and not those with loaded guns. Make 'em "splurge guns" and you've got "Beat The Clock". But then after you direct that show you'd have to go on to do another which revolves around Hannibal Lecter giving Ferris Bueller dozens of enormous yogurt enemas and then maybe people will start to catch on that there's something really wrong with your brain. By the way, which subset of the peanut gallery finds these references more annoying? The people who never watch any movies, or the vast majority who only watch good movies and not the ones I like to mention? -- K. -> ALAN PARKER -> -> Director - filmography -> -> 1. The Life of David Gale (2003) -> 2. Angela's Ashes (1999) -> 3. Evita (1996) -> 4. The Road to Wellville (1994) -> 5. The Commitments (1991) -> 6. Come See the Paradise (1990) -> 7. Mississippi Burning (1988) -> 8. Angel Heart (1987) -> 9. Birdy (1984) -> 10. Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) -> 11. Shoot the Moon (1982) -> 12. Fame (1980) -> 13. Midnight Express (1978) -> 14. Bugsy Malone (1976) -> 15. The Evacuees (1975) (TV) -> 16. Footsteps (1974) -> 17. Our Cissy (1974) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:05:31 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > > > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to > > > notice the nurse's uniforms. > > > > What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have > > male nurses? > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAY" > game show that I proposed. you could really *torture* these straight > guys by planting doubts in their branes that what they are doing is > perfectly hetero. and you'd enjoy doing it. At first I was thinking that no, you should have some sort of sissy Oscar Wilde type with a pink frilly lace shirt and clear nail polish and really tight cut-off shorts hosting the show to make the straight guys squeamish, but then I realized it'd be better to have a butch guy there just to make the straight guys feel inadequately masculine. At the beginning of every show, you could have a huge pro wrestler in overalls come running in yelling "I'M GONNA ROUGH YOU UP, FUCKERS!" and put each of the straight guys in a different hold just to get them nice and rattled. There's nothing more manly than a guy in a tightly- laced wrestling mask putting someone in a scissorlock and sitting on him. > right as the guy is about to goose a girl for $200, you could say "go > ahead! give him a pat on the ass!" and as the victim paused with doubt, > you would hastily add "OR HER!" and as he started to goose her, you could > stifle a laugh. I think the way that segment should work is that they have to reach through a hole in the set and identify whether they're groping the butt of a man or a woman. And it would always actually be a woman behind there, but that would improve everyone's enjoyment of the look of horror on the guy's face when he can barely force himself to reach in once I've told him, "The last fifty-nine times it was a woman, but you never know, this time it _might_ be a man!" We could also present him with three sexy (female) swimsuit models and lie to him that one of them is really a man, and then all three would start making out with him while he squirmed. The important thing is to try to make them squeamish while they're actually doing perfectly hetero things involving sexy swimsuit models that other homophobes will tune in to leer at before the secret Gay Agenda Signal embedded between the scan lines of the picture goes to work on their brains. The "Videodrome" signal would also be hidden in the picture, mainly because that would give me an excuse to wear a black rubber hazmat suit at the end of the episode where the loser gets electrocuted. Or is that straying too far from your original concept? > also, you'd probably be good at selecting the contestants. as I suggested, > it should be "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"-like, except instead of people waving > funny signs to be picked as a contestant, the audience would mostly be guys > there to see some other guy get humiliated. > > and you would walk amongst them, trying to decide which man is the *most* > eager to see someone else humiliated and the *least* eager to be humiliated > himself. It would be more entertaining to just pick people at random to prove that anyone can be broken, especially if we're going to do the "Videodrome" angle. For instance, did you know that even people who think they're not ticklish are ticklish? You have to know where the magic spots are, but everyone's got 'em if you have the right touch. > I'm still trying to decide whether the television audience at home would > like it better to keep the actual genders of the "girls" secret or to reveal > their genders. it does seem somewhat appealing to flash "ACTUALLY A GUY" or > "ACTUALLY A GIRL" on the screen right as you're goading someone into french > kissing someone. First of all, Fox has already done that. Secondly, a lot of gay people would get upset at any implication that gayness and cross-dressing are related (the straight cross-dressers would protest, too.) Thirdly, there's no way you could make it impossible to tell which of two hot women is really a man when they're standing side-by-side. I say they should all be girls and the show should have no actual gay content whatsoever, it should just all be about trying to make the guys think that they _might_ be doing something gay. "Here, cut this peanut butter sandwich in half... Ah, I see one of our three contestants chose to cut their sandwiches diagonally... So, did you learn that from your Daddy or your Mommy? Mmm-hmm, did you enjoy spending all that time in the kitchen helping Mommy?" Basically, it would be like "Have you stopped beating your wife?" only without any wife-beating. My favorite line from "The Simpsons" is from the episode where Nelson gets caught making out with Lisa -- "You kissed a GIRL! That is SO GAY!" -- and that's how we'd play it. We'd have hetero guys doing the most hetero things possible -- ogling women in bikinis, playing tackle football, and shooting guns -- while we planted seeds of doubt that these actions made them gay. "So, what did you think of the paisley print on her bikini? What, you didn't look at her bikini? What are you, afraid to look at a woman, you homo?" > of course, if you're not available as a host, Eddie Izzard would be > a good choice, too. Or El Chacal De La Trompeta, provided he can bring that guy in the lion suit who carries guys off to his lair. -- K. P.S. With your fantasies about watching guys trying to spot who's the female impersonator, you're _this_ close to being Alan Turing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:54:43 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. With your fantasies > > about watching guys trying > > to spot who's the female > > impersonator, you're _this_ > > close to being Alan Turing. > > You know, the invention of cybering has added all sorts of strange > twists to the idea of the Turing Test. My point was that's what it _was_ when Turing invented it. His thought- experiment, which he called "The Imitation Game", was about whether you could tell the difference between a man and a woman from their writing style. He would have been so amused by this business of straight guys pretending to be chicks on the Internet just to watch other straight guys try to pick them up. "I invented the computer, and now you're using all those gigahertz just to pretend you're a girl for no reason whatsoever? That proves two of my theories -- that you can't tell much about people by talking to them, and that people are bozos compared to these modern futuristic computers I didn't live to see!" If he had lived fifty years later, I bet he would have been the first to draw a flowchart of gaydar. But he killed himself after Big Brother gave him all those estrogen shots to make him grow boobs because he was gay. (I still can't figure out that logic. Sometimes I'm glad the US government doesn't have a health-care system.) -- K. And then there's the Mr. Spock version of the Turing Test, which says that computers can pretend to be men and rule entire planets, but no computer can pass as a woman because it's impossible to program a computer to be that illogical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:37:27 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > off her child, who was late to school. I wonder why the child was > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > appearance. I also had to talk to the kids about not being mean to a > person because someone else dresses weird. They have pajama days > sometimes at the schools, but you have to wear shoes that are > appropriate for walking outdoors and modest PJs. I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." There should be more days when kids are encouraged to all dress up differently from each other, rather than being given permission to all do the same thing at once. There needs to be a day where any kid who is dressed the same as any other kid is ostracized. Of course, if the other kid turns them in first, they get candy. Let's co-opt the McCarthy-era attitudes towards social conformity by getting kids to snitch on kids who aren't nonconformist enough! -- K. Kids should be less obedient and more dangerously unpredictable! Also schools should teach how to play video games so that the kids' friends won't laugh at their feeble skills when they get a job and have a LAN Quake party. Do kids these days still play Quake? I bought one of those Atari joysticks that has ten Atari 2600 games built-in, but it's not right because all the stuff that's supposed to flicker doesn't. Ruins everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:06:45 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically > > makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." > > Of course, if you give *permission* to them to do something and > they do it, they're conforming. The only way to really do it > right would be for the teacher to say "You know, you're not really > supposed to dress like a pirate this Friday, but I think you might > be able to get away with it if you do." Or maybe not. Either that or you could tell the kids something like "There's a good chance George Bush will stop the war if you all dress up like pirates tomorrow," because teachers somehow get away with making the most insane political assertions to the kids. But of course we all know politics doesn't work that way. If you want to effect real change, you have to dress funny, light a candle, hold hands, and sway while singing that song from "The Wizard Of Oz" while looking at a picture of Mary Worth. > > Kids should be less obedient and > > more dangerously unpredictable! > > One day a week, all the kids who are supposed to take Ritalin or > methamphetamines don't, instead giving them to the kids who aren't > supposed to take them. This day is to be chosen at random. Probably by the same idiots in Boston who programmed the jury-duty-selection computer to randomly choose people for jury duty except they didn't know the difference between the rand() and sort() functions and so everyone whose last name is Aaron has jury duty this month. The Boston Globe's headline was "Jury pool unshuffled, leaves court unruffled." > IT'S LIKE A KOALA BEAR CRAPPED A RAINBOW IN MY BRAIN! Tell me something I don't see every day. -- K. Brain rainbows taste bumpy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:37:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > > > off her child, who was late to school. > > You couldn't hit me in the head with a frozen leg of lamb enough times > to make me think this is a problem on any level of reality. Mmm, Dahl-tastic! Want me to dress up as a cop and come over for dinner? I'll bring the CD of Gounod's "Funeral March of a Marionette". > The mom was still in PJs and slippers? WHO THE FUCKING FUCK CARES? > My mother used to go grocery shopping in the 70s with rollers in her > hair and an ugly scarf over it; I bet that's what caused the OPEC crisis. Yeah, but you live in one of those states where it's legal to drive barefoot. In Boston, you can't even ride the subway without a three-piece suit, a bowler derby, and at least one false eyelash. Observe the propaganda posters on the wall of the Kenmore station if you don't believe me. And those guys who come around to your house and put the little plastic padlock on your electric meter? In Boston, they also have guys who go around padlocking pantyhose onto women. > > > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > > > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > > > appearance. > > Oh, for fuck's sake. Can someone send some gonads and extra brain bits > to Paula's part of the world? Why are you obsessed with McChili? > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > In the small town Kansas high school I went to, they had "Dress Like > Your Ancesors Day". Everyone ASS-U-ME-d that we'd all dress like cowboys > and cowgirls. Ed (being 1/4 Japanese) showed up in a kimono. > Unfortunately, he had other clothes on under the kimono, but the point was > made. Hundreds of little Tim McGraw wannabes, one Toshiro Mifune. > I got a huge crush on Ed that day. DON'T TELL HIM! I never had any cowboy ancestors. Just a bunch of boring old knights and barbarians and stuff. Oh, and some cavemen, but that was a while ago -- we've since lost touch with that branch of the family. -- K. Who's Tim McGraw? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Craptacular Weather & Dogs Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2005 14:16:35 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > I am presently in the process of destroying an accordion, > by sawing *each* *individual* *reed* *shoe* in half with a hacksaw. Still, that's less sadistic than if you actually tried playing it for us. > Ha-ha! This is to create an experimental frankenstein concertina > with unusual mathematical properties. Uh oh, are you creating a musical hexaflexagon? Don't play it while wearing a necktie or you might get sucked into The Other Universe, where monkeys play violins and humans play harmonicas! It's a madhouse! -- K. So how are things over there at the Terwilliger Institute? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2005 03:08:56 -0500 Well, from last Halloween onwards my hair's been various shades of orange (from reddish-orange to yellowish orange), with an occasional day of gold in between the re-bleaching and the re-dying. Last non- orange color was the cobalt blue I had the day before Halloween. Much as I love the orange, it's important to do a different color once in a while to confuse the issue. Maroon is a color that isn't easy to produce with dyes. "Red" dyes give you a red with a pinkish, purplish, or orangish cast. There is no single, safe, water-soluble pigment that will dye hair maroon -- you can only approximate it by mixing other colors. (There are some great maroons in chemistry -- for instance, carmine lake -- but hair dye seems limited to the more Froot Loopy shades.) I've tried working with Manic Panic Vampire Red (which was nice and dark, but too purple) and Special Effects Cherry Bomb (too magenta) and a few others. Tonight I decided to try for maroon again by mixing the dyes I had on hand, knowing I would probably get some off shade but willing to settle for whatever resulted from my experiments. I had a jar of Manic Panic Wildfire (a fluorescent rubine -- aka magenta) to which I added some Jazzing Bold Gold (a transparent goldenrod) until the slime was a nice cherry-skin dark red. I knew it wouldn't be that dark on my hair, but I didn't want to risk mixing in any black, so I put it on my head to see what sort of medium red I'd get. The end result is a bright red, slightly flourescent, like the burners of an electric stove when they're glowing red-hot. The fluorescent quality is muted, but it's still present, and the highlights have a little bit of a magenta sheen. (It'll probably all fade to magenta, so I'll have to bleach it again before that happens, probably about a week from now. At that time I'll put the traditional flame orange back, or perhaps experiment with a mixture of Pillarbox Red and black.) So to sum up: My current hair color is glowing red. Do not look directly at hair. May irritate scalp. -- K. Why do you people keep clamoring for me to post these descriptions? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 01:05:00 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Maroon is a color that isn't easy to produce with dyes. > > Oh I disagree. The standard hair dye colour called "BURGUNDY" will > produce a maroon result if you put enough of it on for long enough. > I've seen people do it. Ick, no. Burgundy has purple in it. Maroon doesn't. Like I said, if I wanted that sort of thing, I'd go with Manic Panic's Vampire Red. I'm looking for more of a carmine lake. Red plus a hint of black, not red plus a hint of purple. Jack Curry (JackCurry2U-DELETE-@cfl.rr.com) wrote: > > Dear Leader, > > As a newbie here I admit my ignorance and humbly beg for information. What > style do you prefer for your colorful hair? > > 1. Crew cut (Army wannabe) > 2. Flat top (Navy wannabe) > 3. Valentino greased and swept straight back (Lothario from a gas > station) > 4. Parted in the middle (Intellignet nurde) > 5. Grown 10 inches long on one and swept over the bald spot (Disgize) > 6. Page boy (Prince Valiant or Veronica Lake) > 7. Afro (Afro) > 8. Afro with sheen (African Lothario) > 9. Dredlocks (Now we talkin') > 10. Einstein (Low maintenance) > 11. All of teh abuv Imagine a movie poster that says: Billy Bob Thornton _is_ Benjamin Disraeli! Except that I have an Abe Lincoln beard too. Richard Nixon _is_ Abe Lincoln! > I wanna have an emulation. I'm sorry, but five minutes ago, the last emu died. Emus went extinct on purpose, just to keep you from having sex with them. -- K. I'm smarter than Einstein because my hair is not only neater, it's brighter. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:37:54 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ick, no. Burgundy has purple in it. Maroon doesn't. Like I said, if > > I wanted that sort of thing, I'd go with Manic Panic's Vampire Red. > > I'm looking for more of a carmine lake. Red plus a hint of black, > > not red plus a hint of purple. > > So, where would that be on the boobah color chart? I've never seen "Boobah", though I understand that it's the same show as "Teletubbies" if all the Teletubbies had lobotomies and eczema. Do they teach the kids the same disinformation as elementary school art class? "If you mix bright blue paint with bright yellow paint, you get bright green!" WRONG WRONG WRONG! You get a muddy desaturated green! And mixing black paint with white paint does not make medium gray! It just makes more black! And what's the point of finger paint? They "teach" finger-painting in school even though it's not really something that you need an expert to teach you ("Now stick your hands in the gunk, then make a mess. There will be a test on this complicated procedure.") and it's useless -- when was the last time you saw a finger painting hanging in a museum next to the Mona Lisa? Also, you can't make _anything_ by braiding gimp. That stiff plastic stuff is one of the world's most useless "art" materials. Doesn't even come in a nice shade of maroon to match my latest attempted hair color. I can't make my gimp do anything interesting no matter how much I abuse it. -- K. The one good thing I can say about "Boobah" is it just made me look up how to spell "eczema". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:16:02 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do they teach the kids the same disinformation as elementary school > > art class? "If you mix bright blue paint with bright yellow paint, > > you get bright green!" WRONG WRONG WRONG! You get a muddy desaturated > > green! And mixing black paint with white paint does not make medium gray! > > It just makes more black! > > Maybe you're not using ENOUGH white. Experiments in the Deep South > continue... Dude, if you're making your gray paint by mixing one can of black paint with 512 cans of white paint, I've got news for you, it would cost 1/513 as much to just buy a can of gray paint. They make paint in more than five colors now. They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. But boys know that sparkles are not one the five primary colors. > > Also, you can't make _anything_ by braiding gimp. > > Sure you can: a MESS! I meant something I didn't already have one of in every room of my home. > > I can't make my gimp do anything interesting no matter how much I > > abuse it. > > Kontext-Away knows better by now. Kontext-Away knows nothing. The Obvious Bag knows nothing. You saw nothing, you know nothing, you're going to make yourself useful and go out and buy yourself a can of gray paint and take it home and separate it into one can of black paint and 512 cans of white paint. -- K. What, you don't have 513 empty 1/513th-pint cans lying around? (Red Bull comes in them.) By the way, why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:05:28 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. > > Get with the times. These days, girls buy paint with suede and metal > in them. Or at least this girl does. Paint with _suede_ in it? What do you do with that, throw it on people who aren't wearing enough fur? Wake me when they make a paint with black leather in it. That would be the ultimate fingerpaint. I'm envisioning a version of "Goldfinger" where James Bond has to hunt me down after I've finger-painted Jack Black black until he died of whatever version of skin suffocation you can get from wearing too much leather. (Of course we wouldn't really kill him just to make a movie, especially since it's not even possible to wear too much leather.) Why don't they make good James Bond movies any more? Somewhere in Scotland, poor little Alan Cumming is just sitting by the phone waiting to play the role... Come to think of it, he has a small role in the last good one ("Goldeneye") so the producers must have his phone number on file. Let Alan Cumming be Bond! The movie could have a scene where he gets reeeeeally interested in investigating Tom Cruise's friend getting roughed up. The title would be "Never Say Fidelio". -- K. I heard Fidel Castro picked his name just so he could get into that party. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's not torture, just good-natured roughhousing! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 01:18:41 -0500 [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Torture? Not if cheerleaders do it, lawyer claims I think my DVD's defective. It doesn't have a single lawyer mixed in with the cheerleaders who tie up the pizza delivery guy. -> By Jenny Booth, Times Online -> -> Forcing naked Iraqi prisoners to pile themselves in human pyramids -> was not torture, because American cheerleaders do it every year, -> a court was told today. Which day of the year do American cheerleaders force naked Iraqi prisoners to pile themselves in human pyramids, and why isn't it a national holiday? -> A lawyer defending Specialist Charles Graner, who is accused of -> being a ringleader in the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal, -> argued that piling naked prisoners in pyramids was a valid form of -> prisoner control. -> -> "Don't cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight -> times a year. Is that torture?" said Guy Womack, Sergeant Graner's -> lawyer, in opening arguments to the ten-member military jury at -> the reservist's court martial. Yeah, but I think I speak for everyone when I say I'd like to see the cheerleaders do it naked, with sacks over their heads. -> Sergeant Graner and Private Lynndie England, with whom he fathered -> a child and who is also facing a court-martial, became the faces -> of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal after they appeared in -> photographs that showed degraded, naked prisoners. -> -> The prosecution showed some of those pictures in their opening -> argument, including one of naked Iraqi men piled on each other and -> another of Ms England holding a crawling naked Iraqi man on a -> leash. -> -> Mr Womack said that using a tether was a valid method of -> controlling detainees. "You're keeping control of them. A tether -> is a valid control to be used in corrections," he said. "For instance, we tell inmates that if we're good we'll take them out into the exercise yard and play tetherball with them." Then he yelled "WINK!" while flailing his arms and holding up a cardboard cutout of a speech balloon above his head showing a stick figure torturing another stick figure. -> [...] -> -> He faces up to 17 years in prison on charges that include -> mistreating detainees, dereliction of duty and assault. He has -> pleaded not guilty. Maybe he's hoping that those photos -- the photos of him torturing people -- will be declared insane. Because they were photographed using Kodak's wacky new film that's advertised as "insanely realistic" and "3000% more hallucinatory than dipping your head in a bucket of drugs!" It's kah-razy! -- K. The solution to this controversy is simple: From now on, Army interrogators should all be cheerleaders. "Talk, or we'll turn you over to Muffy!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was. Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:21:52 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Something About K. Jan. 11, 2004. > > I may have to move from my e-mail address > johnfwin@mlode.com > to my other computer which has my wife's name on it. > It is called > rebajean@mlode.com > My server has asked me to go to a Windows format and that will > take some time. > > Here is something an Internet friend sent me. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > From: E > Subject: Kennedy And UFOs. > John, > I saw Bill Ho-den speak about the K. exit - '63 in 1995. Ah yes, I remember that episode. Lu-y set her no-e on fi-e. Then she and I got jobs in a can-y facto-y but the candies came down the conveyor belt too fast so I skedaddl-d through the emerg-ncy e-it. That's why nobody r-members that I was in that episod-. It had a laugh t-ack. > Bill spoke about the time alone he and K. spent on AF One and stated K. > told him of this intention to tell everyone about UFOs - "soon." He > validated what I saw on a home video that showed the limo driver > doing the sho-ting. The tape I saw was not so clear, but several > replays showed the driver sh-oting K. with his left hand while > looking into the rear view mirror. Of course. If you're right-handed, when you shoot someone in a mirror you have to use your left hand. Otherwise it's all backwards and the bullet comes out of their corpse and flies into your gun and blows your own hand off. It's Einstein's Law Of Boomerang Zones. > I spoke with Bill at the break and he stated the copy he saw > was crystal clear and left no doubt. The common copies of the K. > exit doesn't give close ups showing the driver. Bill stated > about 50 persons were elim-nated afterwards. Those with home > movies of the exit were asked to give them as evidence and for > their support, were later exec-ted. The limo driver's name was > William Gre-r. Mr. Gr-er was supposedly e-iminated at a later > time, but I've read elsewhere he passed within the last 5-10 > years from natural causes. I took pretty in depth notes from > Bill's lecture and found it to be very interesting. > Thank you for providing additional info on the subject. > E So when's the big rollerball game? > John Winston. johnfwin@mlode.com Wait, I'm confused. If you're using your wife's computer, than who's using your computer? Are you your wife? -- K. When two hetero people get married, how do they decide which is the woman? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Annie! Annie! Are You Okay? Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:32:16 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > > > one of my two New Year's resolutions was to eat more veggies. > > i may need to reconsider that, though. i brought carrots and > > radishes (mmmmm!) in my lunch today and all was well until i > > started on the carrots. apparently? if you crunch them up > > into tiny pieces and inhale them? they will make you cough? > > and cough? and cough? until you die of asthma? or you die > > of a ruptured lung? > > all they did for me was block my intestines. Really? If so, I have some old candy here you might like. Jar Jar candy. It's now so old it's all permanently fused to the wrapper, but that hardly matters. Also, it's still Jar Jar. -- K. In about twenty years, all teens will switch from using text-messaging- speak to Jar Jar language. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More! Darla! Bait! Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:42:23 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Don't tell anyone on ARK this because it would totally kill my macho > reputation, but SSC: in the winter I keep my thermostat turned down to > around 63F in order to encourage my kitties to cuddle up with me at night. Dude, you are not a macho, macho man. You're probably not even macho with your hair. Nobody's gonna call you Mr. Eagle, even if you become a really good pro golfer. > God, I'm so lonely... There's a place where you can go, unless Bruce Jenner and Steve Guttenberg are already working out there in which case, run away or they'll beat you up. You could try going in the navy. I hear it's a life of ease. -- K. 63F is really cold. I like it about 80F. Makes my leather jacket soft and supple. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What a pain in the neck Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 13:49:55 -0500 "Dark an Liturgical Mister Hole Esq." (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Literally, my neck hurts, a lot! I'm debating whether I should call the > doctor's office or give it a number of days? You can stop dreaming about delicious, delicious marshmallows now that you've eaten the entire pillow. > The insurance company makes it so difficult its almost easier to take > the discomfort for a few days if it means it'll clear up in a week or > so. I was in a car accident last week, not that serious, and the other > driver was at fault because he failed to yield to me, but I'm still > playing phone tag with his and my car insurance companies because > nothing can ever be simple any more and there's no way I'm paying to > get my car fixed. Anyone know what whiplash feels like, (Wacky calliope music plays at double speed for six hours which seem like 12) Yes. (The Obvious Dancers pop out of The Obvious Bag and do the Frug until morning) Anyone else who wants to find out, see me after class. Bring your own Bactine. > I'm curious if that's what's wrong or if I've got meningitis. > Given my recent luck I'm sure its something bad. Check the mirror, make sure the other "d" isn't going to fall out of your name. -- K. Also, that wasn't a marshmallow. Real ones aren't usually full of dry feathers, unless you're eating Lucky Charms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 14:21:07 -0500 [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Writing just to keep the 'streak' alive -> -> by Tim Rowland -> -> It's taken almost 45 years, but I now know exactly what my station -> is in life: I'm the first guy people think of to call when there's -> a streaker at Wal-Mart. But if you were the streaker, then who would we call? -> The call came across the police scanner on Tuesday, and the -> astonishment in the dispatcher's voice wasn't dry yet, when people -> were coming up right and left saying, "Hey, you'll want to hear -> this, there's a streaker at Wal-Mart." -> -> Then came the cell phone calls. There must have been people in the -> parking lot agonizing over which number to punch in first, 911 or 5131. Why would someone call 911 over a mere streaker? Is public nudity really an emergency? Maybe Burgess Meredith would think so if he had just broken his eyeglasses, but otherwise, it hardly seems like something to get upset over. -> Let me ask you something, why do you think I would care? What is -> there about some textile-challenged dude outside of a discount -> store that makes you think of me? Inside a discount store, it's too dark to... oh, the hell with it. Just tell us all about Mr. Wacky Wal-Mart Weenie Waver. -> Is that all I am to you? Some doofus who traffics in lowbrow -> circumstance, who swims among the lowest common denominator of -> human existence feeding off the scraps of humanity's bottomless -> chum bucket? It's not bottomless, the hole in the bottom got plugged up years ago by Oprah. -> Well, let me tell yoouuu something. I have feelings, too. I have -> an intellect. I have more to offer than rube commentary on a -> surplus of skin. All my life I have struggled to succeed. I have -> toiled at the wheel of journalistic ethos, logic and wisdom. And -> do I get any credit for this? Oh, no. All I get is, "Hey, better -> call Tim because there's a streaker at Wal-Mart." -> -> I have a mind, folks. I can talk intelligently about Social -> Security reform, I can list the known carcinogens in coal-fired -> generating plants, I know the latest archaeological findings at -> the ancient city of Nineveh. And you care about none of this. Oh, we care, all right -- we care to never read about that. -> But my goodness, let some fella go wagging his way down the -> sidewalk in a retail district, and you can't hear from me fast -> enough. -> -> Well, from now on, it's going to be different. No longer am I -> going to stoop to your level. I hereby resolve to use this space -> only for discourse that has some modicum of intelligencia, to use -> the power of the print to elevate, not debase, the human -> condition, to educate, to enlighten, to... -> -> Oh, all right fine, here's your freaking streaker column. I will bet five dollars that at the Herald Hyphen Mail's next office party, someone's going to send you a male strip-o-gram. What did you say your phone number was? 911 or 5131? -> After all, I can't recall a streaker since that guy at the Suns -> game back in the early '90s. And that went well. He made it to the -> top of the clubhouse before he was corralled, as I recall. -> -> This is Reason No. 246 of why I could never be a police officer. -> The thought of chasing a naked man in public has no appeal. HEY HEY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NAKED MAN WHO STEPPED ON HIS BANANA??? THE COPS ARE APPEALING HIM OFF THE SIDEWALK RIGHT NOW!!! -> In private either, I should hasten to add. And when you catch him, -> who's going to pat him down? Not me. -> -> The photo on the front page was priceless. There was the streaker -> up against the wall with three other guys standing around who -> looked as if they'd just come out of an upper level college course -> in Averting Your Eyes. You can get credit for that course by just trying to watch the movie of "The Cat In The Hat". No human can possibly keep their eyes within that letterboxed rectangle of awful for more than three seconds. -> Apparently there was some behind-the-scenes drama between Wal-Mart -> security and the photographer. A security guard approached the -> photographer and demanded he hand over his film. -> -> How precious is that? Where else but Hagerstown, home of the last -> remaining mullet in captivity, would a photographer these days be -> asked for his "film." -> -> If I were the photographer, I would have said, "No you can't have -> my film, but I'll give you my daguerreotype plates and you can -> come over to my house later for a game of pinochle while we listen -> to the Victrola. Now you'll excuse me, I need to get into your -> store to buy a bottle of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin and some -> mustache wax. This is Jewitt & Knapp dry goods store, isn't it?" -> -> I suppose he could have been speaking metaphorically, though. -> After all, it is a little awkward to say "I'm sorry, sir, but I'll -> have to confiscate your SanDisk Ultra II 512 megabyte secure -> digital card." "I took the photo with a camera phone so it went directly onto the Internet. Go ahead, confiscate the Internet." You gotta love rentacops who think they have more power than real cops do. Real cops don't back off when you glower at them. If you look threatening, rentacops will just go find some innocent grandma to harass instead. -> By the way, too bad the guy -- who calmly dropped his pants at one -> end of the shopping center and strolled to the other -- didn't make -> it as far as the greeters, don't you think? That would have been -> cool. "Good morning and welcome to Wa..." and about that time the -> bifocals come into focus and, "...EEEEEK!" Best they could do was -> let him in and steer him to the aisle where they keep the underpants. Or, if it's a K-Mart, steer him to the floor where they keep the underpants. Seriously, K-Mart should just stop trying to have shelves. Just dump the stuff on the floor where the customers are going to throw it anyway. I think the last time a staffer attempted to tidy up a K-Mart was around the time Eisenhower was born. -> I loved the police quote, that the man appeared "lucid, at -> points." Which points? When he was naked in front of Pier 1 or -> when he was naked in front of Circuit City? Hopefully, he didn't -> do any window shopping; that's the last image you want to see -> pressed up against the plate glass. -> -> OK, that's it. There's the story. I hope you're happy, because I'm -> not proud of it. AGAIN! AGAIN! -- K. When do I get my own column? If I don't get it, I'm going to keep streaking Wal-Mart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:23:20 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "The Cat In The Hat". No human can possibly keep their eyes within that > > letterboxed rectangle of awful for more than three seconds. > > YAY! I -KNEW- I was a changeling all along; now Kibo acknowledges it! > I couldn't peel my eyes OFF that train wreck for three seconds, for dread > that something worth seeing might happen and I'd miss it forever. Calm down -- not all extreme masochists are changelings. Even if you were a changeling, you'd just be the "Star Trek" type and not the type Arthur Conan Doyle believed in. You'd run around confusing Captain James Tiberius Kirk with Jackson Roykirk because that was back when James Tiberius Kirk's middle initial was still "R". And I'd have to snap you out of it by showing you "Solar Crisis" where Jack Palance yells that his initial is "AHRRRRRRRRRR!" but the problem is you'd probably like that movie too and I don't think I could sit through it a fourth time. > It was nearly as mesmeric as watching my former second-level manager, > an adept statistician, squirm through a videotaped presentation where > he had to explain how Six Sigma was really Four And A Half Sigma-- > and that was Exactly Good Enough. What were you doing to make him squirm? And where did you put the extra One And A Half Sigma? Hey! Speaking of movies that make you squirm! I just got a (really, really cheap) DVD of the "Dungeons & Dragons" movie (the first one, that is) and if you want, you can come over and listen to the commentary track about how these Hollywood wizards made this movie what it turned out to be. If you wait a couple more days, my bootleg of "Titicut Follies" should be here so we can have a double feature. I'm told it's a wacky, zany uplifting comedy about the nice people at the mental institution behind my favorite Thai restaurant. Though I suppose that, with your taste in movies, you'd want to watch "Titicut Follies" back to back with "Patch Adams". BLAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHH! -- K. Mommy, Robin Williams makes me blarf! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 14:51:59 -0500 Further details on last week's exciting case of the Wal-Mart streaker and the guy who took his photo. I ignored this back when it happened, but now that the silly photo has turned up I have to bring it to everyone's attention. Take a look: http://www.herald-mail.com/?module=photos&photo_id=5604 (mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_01_walmart_streaker.jpg ) Note that this is the photo the Wal-Mart rentacops tried to confiscate, and I think it's brilliantly composed -- note how it's framed so that the tiny little red running ped is streaking out of frame at far right. Also the shopping carts serve the same purpose as that long plank those two guys carried through the camp in that "M*A*S*H" episode where Hawkeye walked around naked and nobody noticed. Here's the article which originally accompanied that photo: [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Strip mall stripper -> -> Nude man at Centre at Hagerstown taken to hospital for psychiatric care -> -> by Andrew Schotz -> andrews@herald-mail.com Hey, Andrew, how come we can write fan letters to you but not the guy who wrote the second, funnier article complaining that everyone wanted him to be the one to write the article about the naked man? You're all serious and journalistic and unbiased, but Tim Rowland has a true gift for writing wacky stuff about his favorite subject, naked men! -> HAGERSTOWN -- A man strolled naked outside at the Centre at -> Hagerstown on Tuesday before police took him to Washington County -> Hospital for psychiatric care. -> -> "He just got undressed" and walked, Officer Chris Robinson of the -> Hagerstown Police Department said. Usually strippers don't require any heavy equipment or other assistance. They do indeed just get undressed and walk. Would anything have been different if he got naked and then flew a zeppelin through the store? -> The man, who was not identified, "was lucid at points," but didn't -> fully understand what had happened, Robinson said. -> -> Robinson said the man, who might be homeless, would not be charged. That's 'cause if people find out that Wal-Mart usually charges five bucks to streak there, they'll all go to Target instead. At Target, everybody streaks free! -> At around noon, Duane Roy, a computer network administrator for -> The Herald-Mail, was at the shopping center on his lunch break -> when he saw the naked man jogging, then walking. -> -> The temperature was about 53 degrees then, according to weather -> observer Greg Keefer's Web site. Streakers serve an important social purpose because they cause us to pay more attention to our thermometers. -> As shoppers gawked and made cell phone calls, Roy stopped and took -> pictures from his car as the man approached Wal-Mart. Roy said -> he's a freelance photographer and keeps a camera in his car. -> -> Then, he drove past the man, parked his car, got out and took more -> pictures as the man passed Wal-Mart. -> -> As the man turned around and went back past Wal-Mart, store -> employees wrapped him in a blanket. "Hey, free blanket! My scam worked!" -> Roy said a store official told him not to take pictures or publish -> them without getting permission. Then, a man in a suit who -> identified himself as a store security official ordered him to -> surrender his camera, Roy said. -> -> Roy said he refused, so the man demanded the film in his camera, -> unaware that it was a digital camera. Lesson learned: Always tape an old can of 35-millimeter film to the back of your digital camera for when the store's head idiot tries to illegally confiscate your film. -> Again, Roy refused. He locked the camera in his car. -> -> "He said if I didn't turn the camera over to him, he would have me -> arrested" and ban him from the store, Roy said. OH NO! BANNED FROM A WAL-MART STORE! Being banned from Wal-Mart is the opposite of "cruel and unusual punishment". It's gentle, happy punishment. "Ahh! I've been banned from Wal-Mart's crap shack!" -> Attorney Mary R. Craig, who represents The Herald-Mail, said Roy -> "certainly was well within his rights" to take pictures. -> -> The store can set limits, such as on taking pictures inside, but -> the expectation of privacy probably is less outside, she said. -> -> She said Roy probably didn't violate anyone's privacy, especially -> the naked man's. Unless he was one of those guys who copyrighted his penis. Like Ron Jeremy and Roddy McDowall. -> Alice Neff Lucan, an attorney who represents the -> Maryland-Delaware-D.C. Press Association, said Wal-Mart -> "emphatically" had no right to demand Roy's camera. -> -> "He didn't violate any of Wal-Mart's rights and he didn't violate -> the streaker's rights," she said. "He just took a picture of what -> was in the public's view." -> -> The Herald-Mail is a member of the press association. -> -> Store manager Frank Archer couldn't be reached for comment -> Tuesday. -> -> Co-manager Barry Brown said the security officer demanded Roy's -> film -- not his camera -- because Roy didn't have permission to take -> pictures on Wal-Mart's property. But he was in his car when he started taking pictures. Does this mean that Wal-Mart claims eminent domain over all cars, trucks, and mobile homes which may have ever passed through their parking lot? -> Brown said he didn't see the confrontation, but heard about it. -> -> Wal-Mart corporate spokeswoman Christi Gallagher in Bentonville, -> Ark., said she hadn't heard what happened. -> -> In general, though, the company insists that all requests for -> pictures, inside or outside its stores, be made in advance, she said. -> -> If a photographer doesn't get permission, a store manager would -> tell him or her to call the corporate office, Gallagher said. -> -> "We don't confiscate cameras," she said. "It's just like that scene in 'Take The Money And Run' where the bad kids didn't confiscate Woody Allen's eyeglasses. They left them right there on the ground after stomping on them." -> Roy said police officers at the scene decided that store officials -> couldn't seize his camera, but they could ban him and have him -> arrested for trespassing if he returned. -> -> He said no one at the store took his name, so he doesn't know how -> the ban will be enforced. And because Wal-Mart employees can't read, they'll never know who he is! Also, even if they did figure out what Duane Roy's name is (and I'm not telling), how would they enforce this? Are they planning to make all their customers wear name tags from now on? There would be no way around that system! -> Wal-Mart and The Home Depot own their buildings, while the other -> stores at the center lease space from Washington Real Estate -> Investment Trust of Rockville, Md., according to Deborah Everhart, -> Hagerstown's economic development coordinator. At Home Depot, if an employee catches you taking a photo, they just say something like, "Duh, me wearing orange apron backwards, what year are it?" If you don't believe me, try asking them for a left-handed nut and see if they can find one without sticking their hands down their pants. (Home Depot's employees are the ones who couldn't get jobs at Sears.) -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -> -> Wal-Mart's photo policy -> -> Wal-Mart's policy that all photos taken on its property must be -> approved in advance includes breaking news coverage, company -> spokeswoman Christi Gallagher said. -> -> The company requires the media -- or anyone else -- to get approval -> before taking pictures in Wal-Mart stores or on Wal-Mart property, -> she said. -> -> Asked if journalists photographing unexpected news, such as a -> fire, need the same permission, Gallagher said they do. What if I have a camera with a wet flash that has to take a photo in order to squirt water in order to take a photo? Would my ethics and morals require me to watch everyone in Wal-Mart burn to death, or could I just take all the photos I wanted to save the store because it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission especially when Wal-Mart can't do a damn thing about people and their cameras? -> After hours, a journalist should call the company's 24-hour -> corporate hotline before taking pictures, she said. -> -> -- Andrew Schotz Here's another Constitutional crisis. Suppose your local Wal-Mart explodes. Is it legal to call a 24-hour corporate hotline and shout "FIRE!" just so you can take a picture? I'd think that at that point, you'd have to take a picture, just so you could prove you yelled "FIRE!" on the phone for legitimate reasons. -- K. There aren't any Wal-Marts near me. I wonder why. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 01:45:23 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose your local Wal-Mart explodes. Is it legal to call a 24-hour > > corporate hotline and shout "FIRE!" just so you can take a picture? > > > > [...] > > > > There aren't any > > Wal-Marts near me. > > I wonder why. > > Kibo: You didn't burn them all down, did you? Mister Tim, meet Mister Diagram. Mister Diagram, meet Mister Tim. One of the two of you should draw arrows all over the place until the other says "Oh! Kibo meant to say that! He wrote that article on purpose!" and then your house explodes on a 24-hour corporate hotline where people can call in and pay three dollars a minute to hear your stuff burning. I did go to a Wal-Mart this weekend. The only thing I bought was an ice cream scoop. The cashier asked if I was planning to have ice cream that night. I made up an answer she wouldn't have trouble understanding. Then I destroyed the entire shopping center with an ice cream scoop. Then I made up an ending to this story so that people would think I had an exciting evening destroying the entire shopping center instead of just taking the ice cream scoop home and forgetting I bought it. -- K. Ice cream scoops are good, ice cream catapults are better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 20:28:50 -0500 Hey, look! It's another exciting newspaper editorial about how a newspaper writer is sick of hearing about other newspaper writers reporting on stupid stuff happening at Wal-Mart! [www2.townonline.com] -> -> Chianca: Welcome to Planet Wal-Mart -> -> By Peter Chianca / At Large -> -> Thursday, January 13, 2005 -> -> I don't know about you, but I sort of miss the days when Wal-Mart -> was harmless. You know, back when they were just a mammoth -> conglomerate putting small retailers out of business and forcing -> manufacturing jobs overseas, thus helping to cripple the U.S. -> economy. They were almost lovable then. Wait, you're not allowed to use sarcasm in a newspaper! That's almost as bad as expressing an opinion in a standup comedy act! -> Now, though, they're downright scary. It's not just that every -> time you go into one you get this niggling feeling that you might -> just never come out, like a Roach Motel. It's more that Wal-Marts -> have become little planets unto themselves, where the citizens all -> laugh at our silly Earth customs, content in the knowledge that -> someday we'll all be subjugated and wearing little blue smocks -> just like them. What do you mean "our" silly Earth customs, puny Terran? We Space Vikings are not afraid of Wal-Mart, except for their creepy greeters. -> Just look at some of the stories to have come out of Wal-Marts in -> the last week alone: -> -> * In Kansas, two employees became the latest of several couples -> to get married in Wal-Mart stores, this most recent pair getting -> wed at Register 3 -- the same checkout lane where they met and -> where the engagement had taken place. We can only hope they at -> least moved over to Housewares for the honeymoon. (badly-distorted loudspeaker voice:) "Cleanup in aisle five. Divorce in aisle seven." -> * In Miami, a woman was just convicted of poisoning her -> Wal-Mart supervisor by putting rat poison in his soda. According -> to the Associated Press, the woman said she was just trying to -> force him to go home sick, but it's hard to believe that in the -> entire Wal-Mart all she could find was rat poison to do that ... -> Don't they carry Velveeta? Eww! Velveeta! I'd rather have the rat poison. And does it have to be soda? I like Gatorade. Plus you can add rat poison to it without changing the taste. -> * In Hagerstown, Md., a naked man wandered up to the store, but -> that's not the weird part -- he was probably just looking for the -> stonewashed Dickies. The situation went really over the top when -> Wal-Mart threatened a freelance photographer who snapped pictures -> of the man with lifetime banishment from store. I'm not sure -> exactly how they enforce that, but I'm picturing a series of -> furtive walkie-talkie exchanges by men in blazers, followed by a -> full body smackdown in Garden & Patio. I don't think Wal-Mart lets you get one of those for free, even in their Smack Whore department. -> * Even animals who get on the company's bad side aren't safe, -> if a story out of an Evansville, Ill. Wal-Mart is any indication. -> Apparently the manager there ordered two assistants who had been -> keeping a cat in a trailer behind the store to "get rid" of it, -> leading them to -- what else? -- shoot it repeatedly with a pellet -> gun they took from the sporting goods department. Again ... -> Velveeta? Again, eww. Don't forget the story about the Wal-Mart greeter who was fired for showing all the shoppers a naked photo of himself: [www.qctimes.com] => => [...] Wooten's application for unemployment compensation => was rejected recently by Administrative Law Judge Susan Brightman, => who ruled that "a reasonable person would know the act of showing => a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the => employer's business." He should've shown them a photo of Ronald McDonald wearing a Target sack. -> My point is, I want to shop in a store, not a twisted little -> serfdom where everybody's going around getting married and -> poisoning each other, like "Romeo and Juliet" with giant bags of -> cheap Fritos. And if you don't think it's gotten that bad, check -> out the walmart.com job listings for the Bentonville, Ariz. store, -> which is looking for a "Homeland Security Manager." Makes you -> yearn for a simpler time, when terrorists had less interest in the -> place where you bought your underwear. I wish all the terrorists in the world would focus all their efforts on Wal-Mart and STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING. Every day I live here is like 24 episodes of "24". I've started keeping a three-hole black ski mask in my pocket just in case I ever have to fake an armored-car robbery at a convenience store in order to detail a terrorist operative until the real-time satellite surveillance system can be activated by that whiny woman from "Mr. Show" who always looks like she's about to burst into tears for no reason. -> Not that Wal-Mart has nothing to offer -- there is that cheap film -> processing. And the cheap DVDs. And the cheap socks, gloves and -> pajamas. And the cheap ... Well, let's face it, it's all fairly -> cheap. But so is crack the first couple of times you get it. (And -> at least with crack you don't have to wait for 20 minutes before -> realizing what you're on isn't a line for a register, it's a -> pileup behind a cart that got caught between a stack of TVs and -> the giant singing Santa Claus.) It was my local K-Mart where they had one orange cart that had wandered in from the Home Depot next door -- Home Depot's man-size carts are a couple of inches wider than K-Mart's Martha-Stewart-sized carts, and so this orange cart would actually get wedged whenever someone tried to take it down a checkout lane, and then hilarity would ensue. I suspect that cart may have been planted by terrorists. -> The way I see it, we might have to pay a little more, but in the -> end I think we'd all be better off if we stuck with stores without -> their own ozone layers, and that aren't hotbeds for romance, -> murder, drama, intrigue and possible infiltration by terrorist -> organizations. Call me old-fashioned, but I'll take a nice, little -> mom-and-pop operation any day. -> -> So if you need me, I'll be in Target. Note that nobody has ever written about anything wacky happening at Sears. Nobody likes Sears. Not even terrorists. -- K. I like the Super 88 Supermarket. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: bad users (was: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain) Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 15:21:55 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > True conversation overheard when I was a postdoc at (mumble) University: > LUSER: I just logged in to my new account, logged out, and now I can't log > back in again! > HELPDESK_CREATURE: Hmm, let's see...(clickety-click).... Well, you can't > log in because your authority files are gone. There should be files > called X and Y in here. > LUSER: Oh, those! I hadn't put them there, so I just deleted them! > HD_C: I've noticed that, in general, people who are operating computers but shouldn't be operating computers have a mental model of the world which commands them, "If you see something and you don't know what it is, you better throw it away." I used to work upstairs from a shop where people could actually walk in off the street (carrying a floppy containing their only copy of their entire life's work, wrapped in aluminum foil) and sit down at a Mac or Windows computer. Typically the machines would become inoperable at least once a week because random operating system files would get deleted (not maliciously, just through aggressive incompetence.) The people thought they were helping by cleaning out all those weirdly-named and therefore useless files from the System Folder. Worse, because in those days the way you ejected a floppy from a Mac was to drag the disk icon to the trash can icon, it ingrained into these people "When you're done using something, put it in the trash," they'd also throw out the copy of PageMaker 4.2. Those machines had to get restored at least once a week. (There was no serious security in those days.) As a result, I think the basic proficiency test for people with new computers should include the question, Under what circumstances is it okay to throw a file away? (a) Only if you know exactly what it is and will never need it (b) Any time you don't know what it is (c) Any time you're done using it for today ...those who fail should have their computer secretly replaced with a WebTV or GameBoy or Mattel Busy Box or something, so that they'll be less likely to bug their friends and neighbors with the line, "My computer's broken, I don't know what happened, I didn't do anything and it broke all by itself." > Wherever he is now, he's probably still scared of fat short-tempered > lesbian anti-male feminist computer geek IT helpdesk creatures with > Kibo-lile hairstyles. I don't know what a lile is, but are you saying you know a woman with a full beard? -- K. And why are you talking about bearded ladies in this thread about people exposing themselves at Wal-Mart? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I love it when an editorial columnist is in emotional pain Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 15:48:59 -0500 Man, the Herald-Hyphen-Mail from somewhere in Mary-Hyphen-Land is a heck of a newspaper. They carry more articles mentioning streakers at the Wal-Mart in Hagerstown than all of Boston's papers combined! [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> Tuesday January 11, 2005 -> -> Mail Call -> -> Editor's note -- Please be as brief as possible when calling Mail -> Call, The Daily Mail's reader call-in line. And please be even briefer when calling that "Mail Call" TV show hosted by R. Lee Ermey. 'Cause it really cuts into the 24 hours a day R. Lee Ermey spends screaming at people to do more push-ups. -> Mail Call is not staffed on weekends or holidays so it is best to -> call Mail Call during the week. The Mail Call number is 301-791-6236. -> -> You are welcome to leave a recorded message on any subject, but -> some calls will be screened out. You must include your town or -> county of residence. -> -> Here are some of the calls we have received lately: -> -> "I think the doctors are looking at the wrong answer. [...] Doctors should switch to getting their answers from anonymous newspaper call-in gripe lines. It's the American way! -> "Concerning the front page story in the paper the other day about -> the nude guy at Wal-Mart. It's seems to me that your paper would -> do anything to have an eye-catcher for your paper. You would do -> anything to have people pick up a copy of your paper. I think it -> was ridiculous to have a picture like that to draw the eye." -> -> -- Greencastle, Pa. So let's see, how many thousands of soldiers and Iraqis have we seen shot, tortured, and beheaded in the news media in the past year? Oh, yeah, more than one. We saw one naked guy surrounded by security people and shopping carts so that we could sort of see that his shoulder was undressed. Go back to showing violence, don't let the good people of Greencastle use their imaginations to fantasize that someone, somewhere, might be naked! In Greencastle, people are never naked, even under their clothes! -> "It is illegal to allow a cat to roam. [...] What if the cat buys a cell phone which says "no roaming charges"? -> "The troops overseas -- why don't you take the overcrowded prisons -> and take some of the prisoners and let them help fight the war -> instead of building more prisons?" Dear newspaper's answering machine, Please fix the entire world. Here is my crackpot idea in a sentence. There now everything is better. Q.E.D., The End, I win!!!! -> "Is anyone out there interested in Christmas cards? I have a lot -> of them to give away. [...] I heard Craig Shergold was seen building a prison while running around naked. Maybe he could make himself some clothes out of tens of thousands of Christmas cards and it would keep him so busy that he'd stop building prisons. -> "I came down far West Church Street today. It's raining, ugly and -> I turned into Rockwell Avenue and saw the prettiest Christmas -> lights up in the daytime. It is so inspiring to see this. Everyone -> should go up that way and see them." Okay, so we take the prisoners out of prison and send them to see the Christmas lights, but only if they promise not to let us see when they expose themselves. -> "Thanks to the lady who put her recipe for lemon cookies in the -> paper. I fixed them over the holidays and they were great. -> Everyone tried them and loved them. I just can't see what all the -> talk about these cookies were. The lady won $100 for them. Good -> for her. If you don't like them, don't bake them." I'm still not sure where this newspaper comes from, but I gather it's not the world's most exciting town if it's being torn apart by controversy over how not everybody liked the taste of the cookies they all baked when they read the recipe in the transcript of the unsolicited anonymous recipes called in to the newspaper's unattended answering machine. -> "Why don't we have a Macy's store in Hagerstown? Has anyone ever -> considered putting one here? I know they have one down in -> Centreville, Va., and it's a really nice store." "I am tired of only having a Wal-Mart to streak at..." -> "I would like to say hello to Dave Hannah of Hagerstown. I think -> he is the nicest person in the entire world." "His hands are so gentle when he arrests me for streaking at the Wal-Mart..." -> "Bob Maginnis wrote an article at the end of December about how -> the residents of Washington County have welcomed people coming to -> the area from the outside. We moved here about six or seven months -> ago and have not felt welcomed at all. [...] "We have made great efforts to fit in, such as calling the newspaper's recorder to bitch about anything and everything just like everyone else here." -> "I just wanted to say what a good job the town of Williamsport did -> on their Christmas lights and what a good job the house on Bottom Road -> did with the big Christmas tree they had lit up. It was really pretty." I wonder what Bottom Road was before they renamed it? -> "I am calling about the people with the dogs tied to chains -> outside all day. [...] "...and they're NUDE!" -> "If your neighbor leaves his Christmas lights on all day and -> night, that is his business. If you can't get any sleep, close -> your blinds or hang a towel up at your window. He doesn't own the -> electric company, he just enjoys Christmas like most of us do. So -> stop being a bah humbug." I'll bet a nickel that this caller's attitude would reverse if it was a giant spinning dreidel outside his window. -> "What a tremendous service this column provides for our area. I -> have had lots of calls about the White Oak Forest Elementary -> School Reunion. I do need to correct the e-mail address. It is -> tywsdaly@adelphia.net. There was no 'E' in daley. Keep up the -> great work, Mail Call." "Also, there was no 'E' in 'There was no 'E' in daley.'" -> "Does anyone know how to crack Brazil nuts easily without breaking -> them all up?" His Latino heritage is irrelevant! Stop talking about the naked guy! -> "Isn't that parking deck at the hospital owned by the hospital? I -> don't believe it is owned by the City of Hagers-town. The -> individual who claims to have seen a police officer checking the -> parking meters, I think if you had looked at his uniform a little -> more closely you would have found out that he was a security -> guard." -> -> -- Hagerstown Coming soon to the Herald-Hyphen-Mail: An all-hyphen-out war between the cities of Hagerstown and Hagers-Hyphen-Town over which one has the most nudity at their Wal-Hyphen-Mart. -> "I just heard on the radio where the United States government has -> donated $350 million so far to the earthquake victims and another -> billion dollars from companies and private citizens. It's all well -> and good and I know that this was one of the greatest disasters that -> this country has ever been faced with, but the bottom line is -- -> the Muslim people hate us now and they are still going to hate -> us even after we send all that money over there." Oh, so _that's_ why we were sending money to the tsunami victims. I never learn facts like this unless I listen to the people who phone the newspaper's back page. -> "For those of you still whining and can't get over Bush winning -> the election, just a few facts. [...] Bush is there, doing a great -> job and the economy is great." Yeah, so great that the average Hagerstown shopper can't even afford clothes at Wal-Mart. -> "To the person in Greencastle who states: "To all dog lovers, -> people should have a dog and leave it on a chain and then wonder -> why it barks.' Just to let you know, we do have dogs. [...] AUGH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THE OTHER THREE THINGS EVERYONE WHO READS THIS NEWSPAPER'S FILLER PAGE IS OBSESSED WITH AND GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT WEE WAL-MART WILLY'S WEE WILLY! -> "Just because you have stink bugs in your house doesn't mean that -> your house is dirty." Wait, news like that belongs on the _front_ page. -> "To the lady who walked away with my raincoat at the Women's Club -> and left hers hanging there, please return it to Linda and she -> will see that I get it." Better yet, donate it to Wal-Mart Wanko so he can change from a streaker to a flasher. Then he'll only be offensive 50% of the time. -> "To the person who stated that healthy, mature, decent individuals -> are not driven crazy by crying babies, barking dogs, etc. That is -> true, but not all individuals are healthy, mature and decent." Hey, just because he was waving Mr. Winky at all the merchandise in Wal-Mart doesn't mean he's unhealthy, immature, or indecent. Well, okay, I'll grant you indecent. But still, nobody got hurt -- and if someone _did_ get their eye put out, it would be vitally important for the newspaper to tell us about it. -> "I know Maryland has a lot of tax on gas but it's the same -> throughout all the states. Why is it so much in Maryland?" 'Cause it has to pay for all the electricity the state wastes from their citizens calling newspapers. -> "One question, what is the mission? The United States military -> will do everything and anything that has to be done, however, what -> is the mission? We don't know, what is it?" We must build Wal-Marts in Iraq and then enforce a strict "no streaking, no cameras" policy. -> "Found: High school class ring with the name Tammy on it. If Tammy -> has lost her ring and can identify it, it was a 1985 high school -> ring. [...] Therefore, if she hasn't lost her ring and can't identify it, then it's a 2037 barbersugeon college ring. (Logic is a little bird sitting in a tree.) -> "To the person who lost a box at the 15-mile marker on New Year's -> Day. It appeared to be a new box that was just purchased. It was -> in the westbound lane, it was off to the right. If you can -> describe what's in the box, I will return it. [...] James Woods's head? -> "I want to suggest that maybe people in Hagerstown could consider -> boycotting the gas pumps in Hagerstown and buying their gas at -> other stations outside the county. [...] But that's a long way to streak! -> "I am a rocket scientist from Boonsboro. [...] Ding! That's the sound of me dropping a nickel into the Catchphrase Jar! -> "The gas in Boonsboro is only $1.75 a gallon." SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! -> "Just commenting on people wondering why gas is $1.69 in -> Greencastle and $1.79 in Maryland. Maryland pays taxes for decent -> roads and decent everything and Pennsylvania lets their roads turn -> into pot hole haven and clusters." Mmm, peanut brittle with peanut haven and clusters. Wait, this isn't the message about peanut brittle. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! -> "I agree with the person who called in about property taxes rising -> again. If they keep rising like others, I will be selling my home. -> My house payments started at $599 a month. In a few years, it has -> jumped up to $640. It's rough to try and keep up the household -> bills that are increasing as well. Those who sit at that big table -> at City Hall don't have this kind of worry. I think it's time to -> change those who sit at that table. I don't really want to lose my -> home and I am sure nobody else does, either." Oh, but I _do_ want to lose your home. 'Cause I'm a big meanie who is making fun of all you people who are wasting time calling the newspaper to -- oh, never mind. I just want to finish this article so I can go shopping, because I've already spent an hour on this. -> "To the people complaining about city taxes going up, perhaps the -> city manager and some of the professional employees in the city -> are more to blame." "Especially the reference librarians at the Boston Public Library's secret Hagerstown, Maryland branch." -> "I have two comments about downtown. [...] That's nice. Next! -> "I am calling about the woman in the paper the other day [...] Yeah, whatever. -> "I want to give a response where someone asked for a state of -> Maryland number to report abuse or report the misuse of state -> funds. I have that number, it is 1-866-760-7175." What about the misuse of a newspaper to waste my time? Stop talking already, I'm tired of reading this page of filler! -> "To the Mail Call line: This is for my mom who lives on South -> Locust Street. She reads your column every day and we just want -> her to know how much we love her. We love you, Mom, from the -> Smithsburg area." But why don't you love that family that just moved in next door six months ago? You know, the ones that were thirty or forty recordings back? WHY THE HELL AM I READING THIS? -> "Bank of America in Frederick, at all their locations have a -> donation box for the tsunami victims. [...] Yeah, but _my_ local Bank Of America put their rainbow flag back up after they finished repainting. I bet yours only collects for heterosexual tsunami victims. -> "To the person who has the very simple recipe for peanut brittle. -> Call back and please share your simple recipe with the rest of us." Step 1: Buy peanuts. Step 2: Let them get old, and then they'll be brittle. Step 3: You're welcome! -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -> -> CopyrightThe Herald-Mail ONLINE THANK GOD IT'S OVER! IT'S ALL OVER! I'M GOING TO WAL-MART NOW! -- K. Gotta go to Wal-Mart, yeah. Definitely not wearing my underwear. Three minutes to Wapner. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More public exposure in the news (was: SIMS2) Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 07:03:46 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > But of course! I seem to remember to check in with ARK for the daily news > before reading the more valid sources. That's usually sufficient to scare > the crap out of me so bad I'm afraid to go read the real deal,especially > when it's Kibo who has been doing the reporting. Excellent! In my local news, a prominent story in the Boston Herald today is about how one of the editors of the Boston Globe has been going around wanking his weenie in front of women in his neighborhood. Curiously, I don't recall seeing this story in the Globe. The highlights: [thetrack.bostonherald.com] -> -> ``When the victims answered the door, they observed the suspect, -> Marquard, standing outside in the hallway, in front of their -> apartment door, naked and masturbating in front of them.'' You don't want to know how he rang the doorbell while his hands were busy. -> The women said it was the second time the Globie had put on a peep -> show for them. Hmm, if the perverts who work for the Boston Globe are called Globies, what do we call the perverts who work for the Boston Herald, Boston Phoenix, and Christian Science Monitor? -> ``Approximately three weeks ago, as they arrived home, they -> noticed that the suspect's door was open and he was sitting in a -> chair in plain view steering (sic) at them masturbating,'' the -> police report says. While he was steering, did he yell "ARRRR, IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!"? -- K. And did he drive to Wal-Mart? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Royal Matchup: Lizzie -vs- Harald Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 16:30:35 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Who would win in a fight between Queen Elizabeth The Second of Great > Britain and Northern Ireland, and King Harald of Norway? I reckon > Lizzie would win, because she's got EXCALIBUR which is like PLUS SIX > or something, and Harald probably doesn't even have an artifact sword. Yeah, but he's supported by an army of bloodthirsty Vikings, while she's just got all that attention from the tabloid newspapers. I bet she doesn't even have a CapitolOne credit card. Plus, he's a man and she's an incredibly old woman who's too frail to even move her arm when she waves at the crowds of tabloid paparazzi pretending to be her supporters. I think the big question is, who would win in a fight between Superlizabeth, Bat-Harald, and Spider-Hitler? -- K. And why would they be fighting? Can't they all get along in Londinium? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Meow meow meow etc. Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:03:33 -0500 Ted Frank alerted me to this lurid newspaper story from some sleazy underground rag: [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Fresh Details Emerge on Harsh Methods at Guantanamo -> By Neil A. Lewis -> -> WASHINGTON, Dec. 31 -- Sometime after Mohamed al-Kahtani was -> imprisoned at Guantanamo around the beginning of 2003, military -> officials believed they had a prize on their hands -- someone who -> was perhaps intended to have been a hijacker in the Sept. 11 plot. -> -> But his interrogation was not yielding much, so they decided in -> the middle of 2003 to try a new tactic. Mr. Kahtani, a Saudi, was -> given a tranquilizer, put in sensory deprivation garb with -> blackened goggles, and hustled aboard a plane that was supposedly -> taking him to the Middle East. What exactly is "sensory deprivation garb" other than blackened goggles? Prison clothes that _don't_ chafe? -> [...] -> -> Interviews with former intelligence officers and interrogators -> provided new details and confirmed earlier accounts of inmates -> being shackled for hours and left to soil themselves while exposed -> to blaring music or the insistent meowing of a cat-food -> commercial. I knew it! All recent international affairs have been secretly masterminded by the big cat food cartels! That's why all those inmates they've released have had cravings for Purina brand Cat Chow (chow chow chow) and Meow Mix (meow meow meow) and... wait, did I just say they released some inmates? Never mind, I clearly made up that part. -> In addition, some may have been forcibly given enemas as punishment. Good newspaper reporting style mandated the use of "forcibly" in that sentence just in case we thought there was a chance all these prisoners really wanted enemas, 'cause as you know, most people love enemas. -> [...] -> -> "We are detaining these enemy combatants in a humane manner," -> General Miller told reporters in March 2004. "Should our men or -> women be held in similar circumstances, I would hope they would be -> treated in this manner." "Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my lunch -- hand me that big grease gun filled with Nine Lives." -> [...] -> -> Journalists who were permitted to view an interview session from -> behind a glass wall during General Hood's tenure were shown an -> interrogator and detainee sharing a milkshake and fries from the -> base's McDonald's and appearing to chat amiably. EWWWWWW! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! McFREAKIN'DONALDS!!!! INHUMANE! BARBARIC! CAT-FOOD-LIKE-PEOPLE-FOOD! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! -> It became apparent to reporters comparing notes in August, however, -> that the tableau of the interrogator and prisoner sharing a McDonald's -> meal was presented to at least three sets of journalists. "You're going to pretend we're being nice to you because these reporters are here. So if you don't pretend that McRib sandwich tastes edible, we're going to give you another 5000 fire-hose enemas." "Is it okay if I just fake-bite it?" -> [...] -> -> Military officials who participated in the practices said in -> October that prisoners had been tormented by being chained to a -> low chair for hours with bright flashing lights in their eyes and -> audio tapes played loudly next to their ears, including songs by -> Lil' Kim and Rage Against the Machine and rap performances by Eminem. Is it really still counterculture when Big Brother is strapping you down and forcing you to listen to it? Also, can't the Army afford to upgrade from "audio tapes" to CDs or DVD-audio discs or an evil iPod full of MP3s? -> In a recent interview, another former official added new details, -> saying that many interrogators used a different audio tape on -> prisoners, a mix of babies crying and the television commercial -> for Meow Mix in which the jingle consists of repetition of the -> word "meow." I find that a mix tape of the Meow Mix commercial, the Purina Cat Chow commercial, and the "Batman" theme song yields the perfect mix of the three fundamental elements which compose all life on this planet -- the word "meow", the word "chow", and the word "Batman". Some scientists believe there is a fourth element, which they have named "la", but that's just silly. -> [...] -> -> "We do not discuss specific interrogation techniques nor do we -> identify any specific detainee," Colonel Sumpter said in a -> statement. "All detainees are safeguarded and are assured food, -> drink, clothing, shelter, health care and basic rights, all in -> accordance with the Geneva Convention. The U.S. does not permit, -> tolerate or condone torture by any of its personnel or employees." (Cut to R. Lee Ermey gently whispering in a recruit's ear, "Your feelings are valid and you're unique and special and here, have this bouquet of roses, I picked them just for you. They're from my organic garden. Now let's hug!") -> Colonel Sumpter said that the interrogation regimen at Guantanamo -> had produced useful intelligence "based on trust and not out of -> fear or duress." And don't forget McLove. "If you don't confess, we won't let you have any Special Sauce. You'll just get a Big Mac with ordinary sauce. It's just Thousand Island dressing from a 55-gallon drum, not the special magical fairy sauce they normally use at McDonalds!" -> [...] -> -> None of the approved techniques, however, covered some of what -> people have now said occurred. Mr. Kahtani was, for example, -> forcibly given an enema, officials said, which was used because it -> was uncomfortable and degrading. IMPORTANT INFORMATION FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: ENEMAS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. Tune in tomorrow and the New York Times will figure out whether cotton candy is fluffy! -> Pentagon spokesmen said the procedure was medically necessary -> because Mr. Kahtani was dehydrated after an especially difficult -> interrogation session. Another official, told of the use of the -> enema, said, however, "I bet they said he was dehydrated," adding -> that that was the justification whenever an enema was used as a -> coercive technique, as it had been on several detainees. Are you sure he wasn't just asking for "more Eminem"? Because everyone loves asks for more Eminem almost as much as they like asking for more enemas. -> [...] -> -> It is unclear whether the Justice Department's new, broader -> definition of torture, posted on the department's Web site late -> Thursday, would have affected operations at Guantanamo. That depends. What sort of iMacs do the prisoners get to surf the Web with? -- K. My definition of torture: It's anything someone does to someone where I can point at them and say "HAW HAW!" Especially if Ronald McDonald is involved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sigh, it's come to this... Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:26:51 -0500 Okay, I can't hold it back any longer, it's time for me to announce that I've been secretly filming a new "reality" TV show which has as much appeal as "The Apprentice" and "American Idol" combined. Here's the script for the first episode: (KIBO IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK. ONE BY ONE, PEOPLE WALK PAST.) KIBO You suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... (COMMERCIAL AFTER THE FIRST 500 PEOPLE SUCK. THEN START OVER.) KIBO You suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... you suck... NARRATOR After this commercial break, we'll learn who really sucks! (COMMERCIAL.) KIBO (pointing directly into the camera lens) You suck! (CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER A MONTAGE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF TONIGHT'S EXCITING EPISODE) I call this perfect new TV show "The You Suck Show". It's all about determining who sucks and who doesn't. I'll be rich! I just hope nobody ever makes fun of my fiberglas-looking toupee! -- K. This show is for entertainment purposes only and does not contain Martha Stewart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sigh, it's come to this... Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:50:04 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I call this perfect new TV show "The You Suck Show". It's all about > > determining who sucks and who doesn't. I'll be rich! I just hope > > nobody ever makes fun of my fiberglas-looking toupee! > > great concept > will help lots of people in their everyday's life behaviour You suck! -- K. It's so much fun to say that. Also, I've trademarked it, so now you can't. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sushi! Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:31:32 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > What do you people like in your norimaki sushi? You have two hours to > > tell me. My local restaurant does their cheapie norimaki with green > > pepper, crab, and pineapple. It's good. Yum. > > The two most important additional ingredients for really good sushi: > > 1. Thousand-island dressing > 2. Monterey jack > 3. Bacon 4. None of that gross black seaweed 5. No fish 6. No Monterey Jack But keep the bacon, with a side of Thousand Island dressing for dipping. Also turn down the volume of that tape of cats saying "MEOW MEOW MEOW" in Japanese. -- K. Besides, it's supposed to be shrimp tempura if you've ever seen "Ichi The Killer". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 01:53:34 -0500 Remember how, soon after it became technologically cheap to retouch footage of babies so that they appear to lip-sync to adult voices (you know, "Baby Geniuses" etc.) there was an annoying series of commercials in which the annoying "Baby Bob" with the annoying voice of Brian Doyle-Murray annoyingly sold annoying computers? And then, in a fit of telestupidity, CBS immediately decided to base a TV sitcom on those commercials, and "Baby Bob" the show was the #1 TV show over on the planet Sucko? Well, "Baby Bob" is now doing commercials for Quizno's subs. That's right, we're supposed to buy their sandwiches because they're advertised by a talking baby who used to be in a flop sitcom based on a computer commercial. Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats Baby Bob during one of the Pets.com dog's car-insurance commercials. -- K. Hey, Baby Bob: NGETTAMTAQ. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:08:36 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other > > and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other > > companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats > > Baby Bob [...] > > I'm pretty sure that Baby Bob is no longer voiced by the same guy -- > I don't think it's even supposed to be the same baby, just some talking > sarcastic baby. Nick, Nick, Nick. Of _course_ it's the same baby. Why would they go to all the expense to train a second baby to talk and to never age? Just in case you still don't believe me, this is the AdWeek article I read back when I was researching my initial report. [www.adweek.com] -> -> Talkative Baby Bob Is Back for Quiznos -> -> January 07, 2005 -> By Randi Schmelzer -> Los Angeles -> -> The first Quiznos advertising since its polarizing spongmonkeys -> spokescharacters went into hibernation last year launches this -> Sunday during ABC's Desperate Housewives, according to the -> restaurant chain's new lead agency, independent Siltanen & Partners. I had actually seen the commercial at least once before then (and no, I don't watch "Desperate Housewives") so apparently they were testing their new Bob Bomb in my area before taking him national to irritate 300,000,000 people. -> At the center of the campaign -- estimated to be worth as much -> as $60 million -- is Baby Bob, the diaper-wearing toddler with a -> 35-year-old wit the El Segundo, Calif.-based agency created -> in 1997 to drive traffic to a now-defunct Web site. The -> character soon became popular enough to warrant his own -> short-lived TV show. Gee, none of the Web sites I'm associated with are "now-defunct". Therefore, I deserve more than $60,000,000. Gimme money, gimme money! -> Bob has apparently not aged a day. In the first commercial, -> for Quiznos Real Deal sandwich line, Baby Bob talks about how -> much he would love to eat a Quiznos sandwich. Unfortunately, -> he has no teeth. And that's why the babies in "Baby Geniuses" were better than Baby Bob. Because the animators added teeth to their mouths in order to make them look more natural when they talked or bit people in the neck and drank their precious adult blood. -> "But when my molars grow in, I'm all over this stuff," -> paraphrased Rob Siltanen, creative director of the 25-person -> shop. Others behind the creation of Baby Bob include creative -> directors Joe Hemp and Rex Fish, animation company The -> Syndicate and production house Japanese Monster. Media is -> being handled by OMD. Other members of Baby Bob's entourage include his creative diaper-changer, his creative cue-card-holder, his creative gofer, and his creative best boy (who is actually a fetus, not a boy, and also, none of these people is in any way creative.) -> "Having a spokesperson [or baby] is a really smart move: -> He can talk directly about [the] product, to showcase and -> romanticize the food," Siltanen said. Romanticize? Eww. "HEY MAW! COME LOOK AT THUH TEE-VEE! THAT BABY MAKES THAT SAMMWICH LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO FUCK!" -> "I always felt like with the right client, the right business plan, -> [Bob] would be awesome." "And then, once the commercials flop, Quizno's will have an easy way to dispose of him during their sale on baby veal torpedoes." HAVE I GONE TOO FAR? Oh, fuck you, it's only Quizno's. And I don't even care whether they don't like me putting an apostrophe in their name. I did it to McDonald's, I'm doin' it to Quizno's. -- K. Ronald McDonald can kiss my talking ass. And by the way, Nick, what were you saying about challenging the accuracy of my fact-based reporting on TV commercials? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:39:40 -0500 And, yo, Nick Bensema, here's a new article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer about Baby Bob. You know it's gotta be a smart newspaper with a name like "Intelligencer". It's the newspaper that intelligences you up! [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Monday, January 17, 2005 -> -> The Insider: Baby Bob lands on his feet with Quiznos gig Babies always land on their feet, no matter how far they fall. That's why talking babies always survive that plunge into the Under-Inferno, the subject of that lost fourth volume of Dante about what happens to talking babies, who are even worse than unbaptized babies and the Popes who fathered them. Hey, if Dante was so smart about which Popes went to which level of Hell, how come his books never mentioned where Pope Ye went? He was clearly evil, always punching people hard enough to make them go flying into outer space, snorting spinach through his crack pipe, and screwing boneless, anorexic women. -> THE BABY THAT NEVER AGES: He's back. Baby Bob -- who got -> his start as the infant spokestot for Federal Way's -> Freeinternet.com and later went on to star in his own CBS -> sitcom -- is now hawking submarine sandwiches for Quiznos. And when they say "hawking", then mean he makes a lot of noise as he spits a glob of mucus onto each one. -> The character of Baby Bob -- described by Quiznos as a -> 40-year-old man trapped in a baby's body -- was originally -> based on Freeinternet.com founder Bob McCausland. ...who had the mind of a baby trapped in a 40-year-old-man's body. -> When the free Internet service provider flopped in October 2000, -> Baby Bob miraculously landed his own short-lived CBS comedy. Sadly, it wasn't even as funny as the former company's hilariously 'tarded revenue model. -> Now, the infant with the deep voice and supposed "140 IQ" has -> resurrected his career again. This time it's with Quiznos, -> which is using the cuddly infant -- who can't eat solid foods -- -> to make a point about its new line of toasted sandwiches. Hey, wait. If a child has a 140 IQ, that means he's as smart as someone 140% his own age, which means he actually has the brain of a seventeen-month-old in a twelve-month-old's body. He can't yet be smart enough to understand that Quizno's food is yummy, in fact, he's not even smart enough to understand that Quizno's food _isn't_ yummy. -> In one television advertisement, Bob sits in a director's -> chair and tells the story of how he craved a turkey sub that -> his mom ordered from Quiznos. -> -> "You know what she gave me: stringed peas. I love the gal, -> but that's just wrong," he says. Mmm! Stringed peas! The musical legume! The more you eat, the more you KABOOM! I'm gonna go right over to Quiznos and demand some stringed peas. -> The campaign, which debuted last week on "Desperate -> Housewives" and "24," will run through 2005, Quiznos -> spokeswoman Stacie Lange said. I still say I don't see why it's so hard to catch those terrorists if they're not smart enough to realize they could just give all their bombs 25-hour timers and then they'd explode after the Counter-Terrorism Unit got disbanded when the show got cancelled because nothing happened all year. -- K. I'm waiting for a show called "140", where every week Baby Bob would get one IQ point smarter until at the end he'd actually have a 140 IQ and he'd say, "Hey! I just realized! I'm a fucking stupid idea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 14:59:51 -0500 I wrote a whole followup article, but the program crashed when I was posting it, and so I don't think it propagated, therefore now I have to do it again. I'll just summarize. Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, "Baby Bob" is now doing commercials for Quizno's subs. That's > > right, we're supposed to buy their sandwiches because they're advertised > > by a talking baby who used to be in a flop sitcom based on a computer > > commercial. > > Quizno's is going to kill themselves with the bad commercials. I try > not to buy products based on TV commercials (it makes me feel better, > although I'm sure it makes no difference here on Planet Capitalism) but I > sometimes stop buying products if their commercials are just too much. In the aborted article I wagered that you do not buy your insurance from either Geico or Aflac. > Quizno's has a habit of stupid commercials. They had those gross mutant > singing hamsters, and then the grown man who sucked off the teats of > wolves. Why can't they just have nice, inoffensive Snoop Dog like every > other commercial does? In my failed article I explained that they were using "Baby Bob" in commercials because Mr. Quizno wanted a talking baby in the ads and someone told him that babies don't really talk and he said that "Baby Bob" really does so they had to hire him because he must be real because he was on TV. > > NGETTAMTAQ. > > I admit it. I don't know what this means. In the article that never happened, I explained that it was bad form to explain acronyms on the Internet. You're just supposed to pretend everyone else knows what they mean, as if acronyms are important or something. -- K. Then I explained it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: demanding bitch Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 14:53:48 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I'm having a bad day. I demand that you monkeys entertainment, and > quick! That sentence could be the hot new catchphrase for 2005, once someone makes it into a sentence! > Here's some material to get you started: > > * I had Ed rush around this morning buying donuts for a co-worker's > birthday party and NO ONE ATE ANY DONUTS Hmm. Maybe next time you should bring them something even more suspicious, like a box of apples covered in needle tracks, and secretly film their behavior to see which of your co-workers are overly paranoid and which are correctly paranoid. > * I'm wearing a black pinstriped jumper today, which makes me look like > The Hindenberg (cue "Small Wonder" theme song) Sorry, I apologize, there's _no_ excuse for doing callbacks to an episode of a children's sitcom about a robot who got fat because of bad gas. > * A well-known character actor just bitched at me on another newsgroup > because I failed to put spoiler space in my post Well, at least Wil's become well-known! > * My boss is wearing wide-grain corduroy pants This is part of the government's new program to get everyone to buy more whole grains under their "Eat It Or Wear It" initiative. -- K. "I--had--so--much--gas-- I--could've--flown-- to--New--Jersey!" -- "Small Wonder" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: demanding bitch Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 15:09:33 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > I'm having a bad day. I demand that you monkeys entertainment > > What the fucking hell does that mean? NOW I CAN'T EVEN WRITE > COHERENTLY. If I'd just had a debilitating stroke this morning before > getting out of bed, the day would have been much better. You're not taking those drugs from "Altered States" that turn you into a guy in a rubber suit covered in Cool Whip, are you? 'Cause if you are, you should know that drugs are bad, and the ending of that movie's bad, and Ken Russell is sometimes so bad that I get him confused with Alan Parker. They should go to some special sanitarium together. -- K. I AM NOT A MONKEY! I'M JUST EVOLVING BACKWARDS INTO ONE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a turd! Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 15:06:02 -0500 [I wrote this a week and a half ago, but forgot to post it, so I apologize for the slight delay in bringing you this important news] [www.lodinews.com] -> -> Lodi woman creates fowl collectibles from foul substance -> By Tricia Tomiyoshi -> Lodi Living Editor -> -> There is horse manure in Karen Engelmann's living room. (wacky calliope music plays) -> Well, not just any manure. Her manure has googly eyes and colorful -> feathers, legs made of driftwood and tiny Barbie boots. (wacky calliope music plays very loudly) -> Some are dressed like hairdressers and nurses, while others -> resemble bikers and cowboys. (wacky calliope music plays all the hits of the Village People) -> It's all part of Engelmann's collection of Turd Birds. That's nothing. I just made a crucifix out of the same stuff. Come worship my Turd Lord. -> For the past two years, dressing up horse manure has been both a -> hobby and a business for the Lodi Electric Utility employee. She -> has sold almost 200 so far and people have been paying $20 a pop, -> or should we say poop. -> -> "People either think they're cuter than cute or they're so -> repulsed by them they can't stand to be in the same room with -> them. It's not everybody's thing," Engelmann said from her living -> room in Lodi. -> -> Engelmann made her first manure masterpiece about 10 years ago at -> Christmas time. She was stuck for a Christmas present (wacky calliope music comes out of a horse's ass in between turds) -> and was part of a gift-giving circle where she needed to make the -> gift herself. Crap gift made from crap, check. -> What could she do? She turned to poop. (the calliope explodes in your face!) -> But poop didn't become a passion until a year ago last October, -> when Engelmann's daughter needed some Christmas money. Engelmann -> made more birds and her daughter took a boxful to a street fair on -> the coast. She never expected them to sell well. -> -> "But she came back with not a one left and orders for 12. They -> loved them," she said. "I realized then that people don't really -> have a problem with buying turds." I have a problem buying shit. I don't mind taking a shit. -> Engelmann has since copyrighted the idea and opened shop. Okay, I need an intellectual property lawyer to explain to me how you can copyright the "idea" of selling shit. 'Cause I can think of several new excretorily-based novelty products that people should pay me lots of money for. For instance, fake dog doo where the twist ending is it's fake fake dog doo made from real dog doo. -> She has created a professional-looking, 27-page color catalog and -> she frequently sells her birds on eBay to buyers from New York to -> Hawaii. She has three lines: basic turd birds, limited edition -> turd birds (which includes the hairdresser series, the firefighter -> series, the royalty series, and the nurse series), Oh no, my bathroom is on fire! Only a turd dressed as a bird dressed as a firefighter can save my roll of toilet paper! -> and custom turd birds. They range in price from $20-$35. -> -> Karen Engelmann's "Turd Birds" creations include this one from her -> Firefighters Series. (Jennifer M. Howell/News-Sentinel) The picture, at: http://www.lodinews.com/articles/2004/12/31/news/b_03_birds_040127.prt ...looks like a random wad of turd with a twig stuck in it. Wearing a gold lame' Barbie firefighter jacket and nailed to a plastic fire hydrant. People are paying for a turd on a stick? -> Each Turd Bird is handcrafted by Engelmann, made from horse manure -> from a Lockeford field. She typically goes out early in the -> morning, equipped with some thick, yellow dishwashing gloves, -> fireplace tongs, some worn out tennis shoes and an old tote bag, -> in search of the driest specimens. -> -> "I don't bring back any with moisture content, not even morning -> dew," she said. -> -> She learned her lesson early on when she brought back some wet -> ones, set them on a wire rack on top of her wood burning stove on -> the back patio and forgot about them. -> -> "The next thing I heard was my husband saying, 'What stinks?' They -> got hot and it did stink very badly. Consequently, I say no -> moisture." I say no manure. I win! -> She picks up an array of sizes, but usually steers clear of the -> deformed ones, which don't tend to balance well on two legs. -> -> "But honestly, we're talking turds. I'm not really picky," -> Engelmann said. What does a "deformed turd" look like, and will I hurt Garry Shandling's feeling if I say what I'm thinking? -> From there, she goes to her back patio and unloads her tote bag. -> She hangs them on a fishing line, dips them in liquid plastic, and -> waits for them to dry. -> -> This is the longest part of the process. She usually does several -> dozen at one time and waits a couple of days between each coat. -> After three coats of plastic, she brings them inside. -> -> "Two coats would do, but I just feel better with three," she said, -> tapping the hard-shelled exterior of a turd with her fingernail. -> "I may play with turds, but I won't handle them if they're not -> covered in plastic." I used to play with turds, back when I sharked people at the pinball arcade. -> After that, it can take up to four hours to dress them up. She -> uses a hot glue gun to stick on the bird's limbs (she uses -> driftwood from the beach, grape wood and in some cases, just plain -> old sticks) and outfits them with fashion accessories -- including -> doll clothing, hats and jewelry -- to give each one some -> personality. -> -> Then she gives them a name -- names include Fifi Feces, Doyle -> Dumpalot, and Grey Poopon -- and a personalized name card that she -> autographs. And afterwards, they're still turds. -> Engelmann's favorites are the custom orders ("It never ceases to -> amaze me what people come up with," she said). Her favorite bird -> of all is Lola Crappola, the Carmen Miranda-style bird, which was -> her first custom order. She made the famous fruit bowl hat out of -> Play-Doh and the fruit was made with Runts candy. "Eww, there's Runts in my turd!" -> Most people buy the birds for gifts, Engelmann said. They buy the -> hairdresser birds to give to their hairdresser. It means "I acknowledge that you are not only a hairdresser, but made out of shit." -> An employee from Kaiser bought some of the nurse birds for her staff. -> -> Karen Engelmann describes how she began "Turd Birds" in Lodi. -> (Jennifer M. Howell/News-Sentinel) The expression on this photo makes it clear that this woman is not only dangerously insane, but also she will enjoy eating your face. -> But businesses have also embraced them, special ordering the birds -> jackets with their company logo or outfitting them with -> appropriate accessories. For example, a scuba business in Hawaii -> custom ordered Scooby Poo, a bird with scuba gear. -> -> Some companies take their manure very seriously, Engelmann said, (wacky calliope music plays, very seriously) -> citing one fishing store who wanted to make sure the accessories -> were authentic. -> -> "I thought, 'We're giving this piece of poop a fishing pole. Does -> it matter if the fishing hook is real?'" she said. -> -> But Engelmann has been swiftly building a reputation for herself. -> When people think turd, they often think Engelmann. (wacky calliope music plays followed by a flashing neon sign saying "THINK TURD! THINK TURD! THINK TURD!" but then the sign gets taken away because they need to base the movie "Baby Geniuses 3" on it.) -> "Well, if there's a joke about turds, I've heard it many times -> over. Some people cut out articles about turd for me. And of -> course Christmas is really bad. What do I get but the 6-pound -> chocolate and peanut butter turd?" Worst new iBook color ever. -> But perhaps the most hilarious moment Engelmann has experienced -> since her home business started was her run-in with a man she -> calls the Turd Nazi, Okay, that's a worse iBook color. -> who tried to get her arrested one morning when he found her hard -> at work, picking up turds from the field. "I can pick up as many turds as I want, it's turd season!" "It's wabbit season!" "It's turd season!" "It's wabbit season!" "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Who's the name of the guy on Turd Base?" [pause for laughs, unless there actually are any] -> He told her to drop the turds. She couldn't, she was busy, she had to go drop some friends off at the pool. -> When Engelmann refused to give up her tote, he called the sheriff. -> Although the sheriff saw the humor of the situation, she was given -> a ticket that cited her for "theft of poop," which violated a section -> of the penal code "to be determined." Later the ticket was dropped -> when the court determined that no violation had occurred. -> -> "Hey, it happens," she said with a chuckle. Don't we have better things to do than to worry about who is stealing whose poop? -- K. Look! I made a turd that resembles Andy Rooney! I don't mean in appearance. I'm not that superficial. My turd resembles Andy Rooney at the level of its soul. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I think that they should all be in strait jackets Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 15:25:10 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > Teddie bears are inherently dangerous. They give the impression that > unconditional lurve is freely available. Everyone knows that > unconditional lurve is very expensive and very conditional. And posting a URL to a newspaper that requires registration in order to read the articles is also inherently dangerous. I better go hack into the newspaper (thank you, BugMeNot.com!) and retrieve the article for the convenenience of those in the peanut gallery who don't feel like telling the Kansas City Dot Com Star when their birthday is... -> Strait-Jacketed Teddy Bear Brings Protests -> -> MONTPELIER, Vt. -- The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. said Wednesday it -> would continue selling its strait-jacketed "Crazy for You Bear" -> through Valentine's Day, despite protests from mental health -> advocates. Never mind that, show us a picture so that I can complain that they didn't put the straps on right. -> "We recognize that this is a sensitive, human issue and sincerely -> apologize if we have offended anyone," the company said in a -> statement. "That was certainly not our intent. -> -> "This bear was created in the spirit of Valentine's Day and as -> with all of our bears it was designed to be a light-hearted -> depiction of the sentiment of love," it added. -> -> The bear, being marketed for Valentine's Day, comes with -> commitment papers and is meant to convey out-of-control love. -> -> Mental health advocates believe the bear is "a tasteless use of -> marketing that stigmatizes persons with mental illness," Jerry -> Goessel, the executive director of the Vermont chapter of the -> National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, wrote to the -> Shelburne-based company. -> -> "A strait jacket is not a symbol that we want to associate with -> sales of a teddy bear for loved ones over Valentine's Day," -> Goessel said. "And the use of commitment papers, legal documents -> committing an individual to involuntary treatment, is not -> something to be taken casually." Yes, there should be NO COMMITMENT involved in love! -> He asked that the $70 bear be pulled from the company's shelves. -> Goessel said he has support for removal of the bear from other -> mental health advocates. Why don't they all go protest the existence of G.I. Joe and Barbie and other bad role models? It's not as if any kid is going to steal mommy and daddy's Crazy For You Bear and say "Wow! Crazy teddy bears get to wear these cool sweaters with wraparound sleeves! When I grow up, I want to be insane!" -> The company said it would discontinue the bear, but not before -> Feb. 14. -> -> "This bear was developed just for Valentine's Day and is not a -> permanent addition to our product line," the company statement -> said. "This bear will remain an offering for Valentine's Day." -> -> The complaint is the first received by the company about the bear. -> It began selling the 15-inch creature days ago. Yawn. Wake me when they start selling a bear with a lobotomy. -- K. I found their Web site, and Crazy For You Bear is $69.95. Now there's something to complain about. Besides, that bear could get out of that straitjacket any time he wants, just by dislocating his shoulder. That bear needs a crotch strap. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2005 15:39:29 -0500 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Quizno's is going to kill themselves with the bad commercials. > > If it were to be explained why the commercials for fast food are > so....how shall we say....stupid, then the world would be able to learn > from its mistakes and move on to funny commercials, If I could only learn why trying to post a followup to your article always crashes my program, Fireknight, I could say something relevant and move on. I think it's because when you posted through Google Groups it somehow left your article with a malformed "References:" header with no spaces between the references -- I can read your article but if I try to follow it up, BOOM. So, you just broke the Internet. > > > NGETTAMTAQ. > > > > I admit it. I don't know what this means. I share the same ignorance when it comes to this line. I've even been nieve enough to look for it in the acronym lists. Just ain't happen'n. Like I said earlier, I tried to tell Stacia, but when that article was being posted I attempted to follow up to yours, and my computer exploded and said _YourHeapIsProbablyCorrupt, so now you'll never know, unless that acronym just coincidentally happened to stand for "Your Heap Is Probably Corrupt", which I don't think it did, and even if it did, telling you that would crash the Internet because your heap is probably corrupt, you heap-corrupter. -- K. P.S.: Your heap is probably not only corrupt, but so fragile it can be shattered by someone asking about a stupid acronym ending with "Q" in an article about Quizno's. Sheesh, do I have to spell it out? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sheriff pinks up his officers, who I'm sure are thrilled Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 02:13:45 -0500 [apnews.myway.com] -> -> Ariz. Sheriff Deputies Use Pink Handcuffs -> -> Jan 13, 5:25 PM (ET) -> -> PHOENIX (AP) -- Maricopa County Sheriff's deputies began using -> fluorescent pink handcuffs Thursday to transport inmates. -> -> Sheriff Joe Arpaio said he introduced the pink handcuffs because -> he was tired of losing them to his own deputies and other law -> enforcement agencies. Arpaio said he assumes nobody else has pink -> handcuffs, so they will be easy to spot. Would these be the Kyoung Chang handcuffs from Korea, which are available anodized in pink? Or would these be some of the spray-painted Hiatts 2010s from England? I don't suppose they'd be some of the stupid pink toy ones from Spencer Gifts which cost more than the real police ones even though they aren't nearly as good. I think this guy is dangerously unqualified to be sheriff if he's making stupid statements like "nobody else has pink handcuffs" -- he should be fired and replaced by a proper handcuff nerd. -> He ordered 1,000 of the pink handcuffs, which are made in England. -> They cost 60 cents more than silver ones. Patrol deputies will -> still carry the silver cuffs, which they pay for themselves. They sell gold-plated ones, too. I think those are just for weddings. -> Maricopa County inmates wear pink boxers and sleep on pink sheets. And the only movies they're allowed to see are "Pink Panther" movies (and not the good ones with Peter Sellers, just ones with Steve Martin, Roberto Benigni, Alan Arkin, or if they're really bad, Ted Wass.) ...and now, in stereo -- I tracked down the original article from which the wire-service one was distilled... [www.azcentral.com] => => Bright pink handcuffs latest additional to sheriff's arsenal => => Jan. 13, 2005 12:00 AM => => First it was pink underwear. Then pink sheets. And now it's pink => handcuffs. Next, a pink gas chamber! Everyone on death row will have a cheery smile when they go to the Barbie Dream Gas Chamber! => Starting today, Maricopa County sheriff's deputies will begin => using fluorescent pink handcuffs to transport inmates. => => Sheriff Joe Arpaio said he got so tired of losing handcuffs to his => own deputies and other law enforcement agencies, he wanted to put => a stop to it. So he ordered 1,000 hot-pink handcuffs, which are made => in England, at $19.44 each. (The regular ones cost $18.84 a pop.) Those would be the Hiatts. The Kyoung Chang ones weigh less and move more smoothly than the painted Hiatts (the paint tends to make them stick) though they take non-standard keys. Of course, from Sheriff Pinky's standpoint, a weakness of both brands is that they can be opened with keys of any color, not just pink. => "We presume nobody else has pink handcuffs, so we can spot them => and know they're ours," he said. The idea of "let's make ours special so that nobody will steal them" is brilliant in its stupidity. This is the sort of guy who would sell an old stamp for half its face value because the airplane's upside-down. => The sheriff bet that even stores like Castle Boutique don't carry => pink handcuffs. But in fact, they do. The Castle Boutique on => Camelback Road sells pink metal handcuffs for $9.99. They also have really tiny square hamburgers, but the patties only come in a sort of sickening gray color. => Patrol deputies will still carry the normal silver cuffs, (just not in their purses) => which they pay for on their own. ...and blue ones are paid for by the prisoners, and green ones are paid for by tickets to the Policeman's Ball, and purple ones are paid for by donations to PBS during "Barney" marathons... -- K. So when is the sheriff also going to get a hot pink cop car? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sheriff pinks up his officers, who I'm sure are thrilled Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 21:08:48 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry )kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => "We presume nobody else has pink handcuffs, so we can spot them > > => and know they're ours," he said. > > > > The idea of "let's make ours special so that nobody will steal them" > > is brilliant in its stupidity. > > Sheriff Joe's pink policies are based on the assumption that if you > treat prisoners and criminals like little girls, there will be a > stigma attached to crime that counterbalances the positive "macho" > image of criminals. > > The first time he tried this, with the pink boxers, the opposite > happened: pink boxers became a status symbol. So he turned it > around and started selling the pink boxers, to finance his > two-meal-a-day tent city prisons. > > If feminization doesn't work, sometimes he tries infantilization. > Prisoners are only allowed to watch cartoons on television, and > every night a public address system in the jails reads them a > bedtime story. Hmm, how can I get a job writing bedtime stories for hardened criminals? I think I'd enjoy that. "Then Goldilocks stuck her shiv into the third bear, and it went in just right..." > The only thing he loves more than press is the ability to save money > by neglecting prisoners. He's saved the county money by reducing > the number of meals per day to two, and by putting minimum-security > prisoners, i.e. War on Drugs casualties, in a tent city with broken > swamp coolers. And every time he runs for re-election, he states > that his opponents "want to give cigarettes and pornography to > criminals", because those two things aren't allowed in Arpaio's > prisons. And whenever someone accuses him of prisoner abuse or > neglect, he says "This isn't the Hilton!" Of course, these > conditions also apply to people who are awaiting trial and may > not be criminals at all. You seem to know a lot about the inner workings of Pinky Joe's Maximum Security Barbie Fun Hut. How many months and years did you spend there? > > => The sheriff bet that even stores like Castle Boutique don't carry > > => pink handcuffs. But in fact, they do. The Castle Boutique on > > => Camelback Road sells pink metal handcuffs for $9.99. > > > > They also have really tiny square hamburgers, but the patties > > only come in a sort of sickening gray color. > > I grew up across the freeway from a Castle Boutique. It's a giant > adult "bookstore". So what year do you remember them getting the pink handcuffs? When you were seven, or when you were eight? > Worthy of mention: > > 1. Someone on ARK told me that if I've seen three X-rated films, > I've seen Ron Jeremy. And when I turned 18, he was in the third > X-rated movie I bought. Been buying one a year, eh? > 2. A few years later, I was at the Game Keeper store in Metrocenter, > where some people were playing the collector card game du jour. > And one of the employees recognized me because he used to work at > the Castle. And he said so, aloud. I've probably been to the > Castle less than a dozen times in my lifetime. Every time Pinky Joe lets you out, eh? > 3. Saw a clown on a video cover once. Didn't want to pay $50 to > indulge my curiosity. What? You don't think naked clowns would be even funnier than regular clowns? (Not as in "funny ha-ha", but as in "funny eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!") > I do commend this journalist for actually checking up on the claims > of an elected official, for once. Maybe there's hope for our nation > after all. My favorite handcuff supplier plans to start carrying the bright pink handcuffs from England as soon as the shipment arrives. If you want, I can put you in touch with them so that you can be the first person in Arizona to wave a pair in the sheriff's face and yell, "HA HA, YOUR HANDCUFFS AREN'T SPECIAL ANY MORE!" Also get a pair of the green ones so that you can assume command of the county, which will be your right if you have the most colors of handcuffs. -- K. No fair just painting your own. They have to be painted in England. England knows how to make handcuffs look like they have a delicious candy coating! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2005 20:46:10 -0500 Oh my god, how come nobody told me that Playskool has introduced a Mr. Potato Head with a Darth Vader outfit named Darth Tater? Finally, a Mr. Potato Head I can respect! At last, a Mr. Potato Head I would accept as a friend! I don't understand why he has black sneakers instead of the proper black leather jackboots. Also, I'm not sure the real Darth Vader has a trapdoor to make it easier to store his lightsaber up his butt, or would want to. I guess the big question is, why isn't there a Jar Jar made of cheese so that I can hate him twice as much? Just to prove I'm not making this up, here's the actual Playskool press release: [home.businesswire.com] -> -> January 14, 2005 09:31 AM US Eastern Timezone -> -> The Force is Strong with This One: Mr. Potato Head Turns to -> ''The Dark Side'' -> -> PAWTUCKET, R.I.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Jan. 14, 2005-- -> -> Hasbro Introduces New MR. POTATO HEAD As Darth Vader In "Return Of The Jedi", when he took his mask off, I thought he looked more like Humpty Dumpty. But I guess there's not a market for Mr. Raw Egg Head. -> Falling to the temptations of the evil Emperor, MR. POTATO HEAD is -> adopting a new look and heading over to the dark side of The Force! At last! The main problem with today's toddler toys is that they present a sanitized, unrealistic version of reality which is way too happy and nice. More toys should embrace evil to teach those kids a valuable lesson. Now if only we could get G.I. Joe to blow up the whole world and Strawberry Shortcake to taste like hot sauce. -> To build on the excitement of the Star Wars fantasy, Hasbro, Inc.'s -> (NYSE:HAS) PLAYSKOOL division is launching a new MR. POTATO HEAD -> figure, DARTH TATER. Available at stores nationwide in February, -> kids will be able to have all kinds of mix 'n match, MR. POTATO HEAD -> fun with this wacky spud dressed as the infamous Star Wars saga -> villain, Darth Vader. When will there be a Han Solo action figure where parts are interchangeable with my Fonzie action figure so I can create ever more confusing cross- pollinations of "American Graffiti" and "Happy Days" and "Star Wars" and "Mork & Mindy"? Also you can make Jar Jar out of Robin Williams plus Stepin Fetchit. -> DARTH TATER comes complete with lots of silly parts, including -> lightsaber, cape, helmet, shoes, eyes, nose, teeth and more. The -> figure will retail for approximately $7.99 and is recommended for -> ages 2 & up. All two-year-olds who remember standing in line to see "Star Wars" ten times twenty-seven years ago will have to have it! I've said it before, I'll say it again: eBay collectors have ruined the toy industry. Will there ever again be any toys you can play with instead of just resell? -- K. ...waiting for my "Fonzie frozen in carbonite" inaction figure. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 19:42:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will there ever again be any toys you can play with instead of > > just resell? > > We played with the Monty Python Cow Catapult even though everyone else > kept it mint unopened in box. I discovered that the cows have flat butts. > Also, the Trojan Rabbit is held together by scotch tape. I figure they > screwed up little details like that, expecting that no one would open the > toy because all toys are now collector's items. Lately, the only toys I've seen in stores that I had even fleeting thoughts about buying until the sanity of "Why spend money on something you'll just keep on top of the TV?" kicked in were the Knockman toys from Japan. These are little solid-colored plastic robots with smiley faces. You wind them up, and all they do is rhythmically pound on their own heads or otherwise cause self-destructive mayhem. The all-black Knockman is my favorite, though I must admit I also like the noise made by the one that twirls the clear hula hoop with the ball bearing rolling along the gear teeth inside. There should be more robots programmed to beat themselves up for your amusement. And you know they're real robots and not just wind-up toys because each one has a little pink heart that revolves while he's punching himself in the head. I encountered the Knockman toys while shopping for more Yakuza DVDs for my collection (you know, Suzuki, Ishi, Ishii, Miike, Hasebe, Fukasaku, etc.) A few decades ago, American mass-market audiences discovered chop-sockey films from Hong Kong. Twenty years ago, anime films started to creep into stores. Ten years ago, Americans suddenly discovered wire-fu, followed by hentai. Now, it seems like the next big Asian cultural import trend to come bubbling up from underground is the Japanese Yakuza film. Any store with a good selection of foreign films (by which I mean anything other than dubbed anime) will have at least as many Yakuza films as any other sort of Asian films these days. This makes me happy, because I always appreciate the intersection of hipness with violence and cinematography, and it's hard to wait all those years between Tarantino's homages to these sorts of films. (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) I just want to know how, precisely, the hippest Japanese mobsters made the transition from all dressing in those pinstripe suits with white ties and spats to dressing like they're auditioning to be the new "Doctor Who" or competing in a motocross rally. They must have all agreed, "We're tired of dressing like it's the 1930s, it's time to silly up our wardrobe!" But what does this have to do with how Mr. Potato Head has become so commercialized? And how come he doesn't bleed when you pull his eyes out? -- K. And why does he have only two eyes? He's a potato! A freakin' potato! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:36:15 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten > > Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition > > with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) > > If you have the stomach for it, try the "Dead or Alive" series of films > (nothing to do with the game.) *cough*cough* Young man, "Ichi The Killer" is one of my favorite films, so of course I can handle the slightly less perverse splatter in Miike's other movies, and besides, I'm not the sort of guy who can't "stomach" certain movies. (Are you? If so, I can write you a list of things you shouldn't rent.) I have the Kino Video box set of the "Dead Or Alive" trilogy. And most of the other Miike movies I can legally acquire, except "Andromedia", which everyone tells me is King Of Planet J-Pop-Lame-O. The "Dead Or Alive" discs are in the middle of the stack of stuff I hope get around to watching soon. (Sometimes it's hard to find the time to give a trilogy the proper attention, you know? Lately I've been acquiring Yakuza movies faster than I can watch 'em. I've sworn I'll get through my entire backlog before I get the six-disc set of "The Yakuza Papers".) On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing except that it's a mix of live-action and animation and has some really badass box art next to all the Japanese text I can't read. (At least on this release, there are at least two other DVD releases of it with less inspiring covers.) It's gotta be pretty weird, so I bought it without knowing anything about it other than the director's name. I don't generally go for anime, but the picture on the box was so weirdtastically slacktacular that I don't care if this is one of those minor Ishii films that nobody likes, any film where the box art screams "super-violent Japanese imitation '70s blaxploitation film plus a guy in a black leather motorcycle racing suit with fireman gloves and a silly yellow monster mask" has to have some redeeming value even if it just turns out to be something as ordinary as "Foxy Brown Vs. Ultraman". What game? -- K. By the way, if you're planning to re-enact the scene in "Ichi" with the hooks, don't use real fish hooks -- they're made of metal that's not bio-compatible -- shell out the big bucks for actual surgical stainless "skin hooks". They're $32 for 3 around here. It wouldn't be healthy for you to use cheap fish hooks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Party 7 (was: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 07:32:39 -0500 Earlier today, I wrote: > > On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 > (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing [...] Okay, I just watched it, and I still know nothing about what it's about, except that it gave me a serious concussion. It had some really funny scenes, it was weirder than fuck, and Captain Banana has the world's coolest airbed because his has a coelacanth nailed to it and mine doesn't. Oh, and also I learned a lot about how Japanese toilets work. The box art was a lie. It made the movie look cool in a weird way instead of weird in a cool way. This movie is 500% weird. I think I used up all the brain cells I had that were capable of saying "What the fuh?" and now I'm dead. "Party 7" contains no anime, except for the title sequence, but it does contain a revolving plastic heart, and many other abnormal surprises. Also the guy from "Shark Skin Man Peach Hip Girl" and "Ichi The Killer" has a bad haircut this time. Anyway, I recommend "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)" if you want to be confused into submission. -- K. "In this room, this is cool!" -- Captain Banana ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sausage stench story Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2005 15:12:49 -0500 [www.suburbanchicagonews.com] -> -> Sausage smell will go away -> -> By Diana Kuyper -> -> LAKE VILLA -- Within a few months, residents will no longer be -> subjected to the overwhelming odor of grilled sausage that comes -> from C&F Enterprises, a custom sausage making and meat processing -> company in the village. They'll just cover it up by spraying several hundred gallons of Lysol into the air every day. Everybody loves the smell of Lysol! -> C&F makes grilled and processed sausage and other food items for -> fast-food restaurants, frozen pizza manufacturers and prepared -> meat retailers. The plant is located on 15 acres in Park Place -> Business Center on Route 83, south of Grand Avenue. 15 acres? That's a lot of space for a sausage farm. They must not have caught on to the idea of growing it endwise, like they do on the typical three-foot-wide spaghetti farm. -> "C&F has acquired the equipment they need to incinerate the gases -> that come from manufacturing this particular product that has been -> causing the odor," said Mayor Frank Loffredo. "C&F has been -> patiently working with their clients to obtain the equipment, and -> the residents and businesses have been inordinately patient in -> waiting for this problem to be solved." Wouldn't the cheapest solution be to just buy residents a few gas masks for those crybabies who like wearing gas masks better than they like delicious grilled sausage? -> Residents and nearby business owners complained last summer about -> the overpowering smell and the haze that hangs over the area that -> is especially noticeable during the summer months. The smell isn't just overpowering, it's sometimes even noticeable! -> On behalf of the village, US Filter recommended an air scrubber -> device to reduce the odors, a solution that would have been -> costly, said Loffredo. They could recoup the cost by selling the used filter pads to Homer Simpson to use as pillows. "Mmm... pillow with the odor of a million sausages..." -> [...] -> "It's like living at a barbecue 24 hours a day, seven days a -> week," Ted Nielsen, owner of Nielsen Enterprises, had told the -> board last year. I'm sure the board will listen to his complaint once they've taken care of those people who complain about their homes being like living on the beach 24 hours a day, living in a candy store 24 hours a day, and living in the Playboy mansion 24 hours a day. -> Located near the plant, Nielsen said the dealership often -> cannot open doors or windows and their customers complained -> about the odor. Vegetarians who drive cars are hypocrites anyway. -> Loffredo agreed the odor is overwhelming especially during certain -> times of the year, especially during the spring and summer. -> -> "It is especially an annoyance and a nuisance during warmer -> months," he noted. "Everyone has been very patient. -> -> "It's taken a while to figure out what was causing the problem, "GEE, WHAT SMELLS LIKE SAUSAGE?" (Scientists worked hard to determine that the sausage smell was coming from the sausage factory and not from Legoland.) -> the company made the commitment to resolve it and now it's finally -> going to be solved," Loffredo said. "I'm excited in anticipation -> of the lack of smell thereof." And that's the best kind of excitement -- the excitement in anticipation of the lack thereof. (New from Playskool: Politician-Speak Yoda With Dislike Of Sausage!) -- K. I'm going to write to the mayor and complain that my neighborhood doesn't smell like yummy sausage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Your attention please. Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2005 15:29:39 -0500 Today is the 30th anniversary of the premiere of "Happy Days". However, if, like me, you're waiting for the 30th anniversary of the first use of the phrase "Sit on it!", you need to wait a while. It seems to have been invented for an early second-season episode where Ralph ran over Fonzie's motorcycle, and presented Fonzie with a rebuilt motorcycle (in the Cunningham living room) and innocently said "Sit on it, Fonzie!" to great reaction from Henry Winkler, causing Garry Marshall to realize that should be the hip new catchphrase of the Seventies. However, that was not the first episode to use "Sit on it!" -- some of the others from that season aired before the one where we saw the genesis of the catchphrase, leading millions of children to wonder, "Upon what, precisely, are nerds supposed to sit?" before they found out that (a) "it" was a motorcycle and (b) that nerd Ralph Malph invented the coolest catchphrase of the fake 1950s. Oh, and in a few weeks it'll be the 30th anniversary of Potsie's one and only explanation of why he's called "Potsie". But remember, we have to wait more than ten years for the 30th anniversary of the mercy killing that was the cancellation of the final incarnation of "Happy Days", the one with the doo-wop theme song. -- K. I'm waiting for the 300th anniversary of "Star Trek". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update for Saturday, January 15, 2005. Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2005 22:06:28 -0500 You failed to notice, but I've been blond for the last 36 hours. Tonight I have maroon dye soaking in as I speak. It's a jar of Manic Panic Pillarbox Red (fire-engine), plus a dab of Raven (black) and two dabs of Electric Banana (fluorescent yellow) to counteract the perceived purpling that happens whenever you mix red and black. (Most black dyes are actually bluish when you dilute them a lot.) This will be the first time in quite a while my hair has had almost no fluorescent dye in it -- the small amount of Electric Banana in there right now probably won't light up. But there are no really red fluorescent colors (just magenta, orange, etc.) so I'm making do with non-fluorescent red. At the moment it looks like my hair is covered with delicious raspberry topping. Mmm, berrylicious 'do. -- K. I'll inform you of the results later. With luck it should come out the color of the _original_ red M&Ms, circa 1975. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for Saturday, January 15, 2005. Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:16:14 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You failed to notice, but I've been blond for the last 36 hours. > > Tonight I have maroon dye soaking in as I speak. > > Why is is that you don't have a Haircolour page on your site, and you > don't post pix--- even of the back of your head--- to show the various > colours/flavours with which you tempt us? I've been considering a color-coded Terrorist Alert Warning System-style gadget for my Web site to indicate my current hair status. However, (a) that would involve keeping something on my site up to date, and (b) most hair colors I do cannot be displayed by computer monitors. You just can't make a bright orange on a computer screen. > You are a magnificent bastard, you know that? Yes, I know. Let's put it this way: When the bouncer doesn't want to let you in because you're scaring him, you know you're a magnificent bastard. (Hey, it was cold outside, and I didn't feel a need to remove my ski mask because it has a perfectly good mouth hole. I can understand banks being skittish about guys in black leather with ski masks, but I'd think that bars wouldn't mind as long as you have a drink-hole.) Here's how the hair color worked out today: Most of my head came out a dark maroon (a little darker than I wanted), but the beard turned burgundy with significantly too much purple. This is puzzling, because I used the same dye on everything. Anyway, with the ski mask on, I just look like a pair of steely eyes and a purple mustache. Hopefully it'll fade to something less purple in a couple days. Purple's not a good color for me (at least not when it's this close to red so that it's obviously an accident -- I did do a really bright Barney purple once and people seemed to like it.) I still want a blood red. Not a clown red, a blood red. Next time I'll mix less black in with the red. I used too much black because I didn't want to look like Killer Raggedy Andy. -- K. Or worse, Killer Rooney Andy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:43:05 -0500 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Toilet sprayed to stop drug users -> -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. And also so Chuck Berry can get some hilarious hidden-camera footage of drunk people sliding off the toilet seats for his new special, "Creepy Peeping Bloopers & Asstastic Practical Jokes!" -> Carl Brown who owns The Mail Coach Inn, Fleet Street, says the -> solvent, often used on engines and for DIY, causes nose bleeds -> when mixed with the drug. Cocaine could never do that all by itself! -> Mr Brown acted after becoming aware that cocaine use was on the -> increase in the Wiltshire town. -> -> "Before people started coming in here, I thought I'm going to stop -> it before it gets a grip," he said. Another solution would be to just mount the toilets at a strange angle so the seats aren't even remotely horizontal. You know, like a space toilet. Just add some shoulder harnesses so people can strap their butts in if they ever do really have to go. -> The 43-year-old said customers were searched by door staff in a -> bid to stop them bringing drugs into the bar. -> -> He has also attempted to stop drug use inside by removing toilet lids. -> -> But Mr Brown said he still found evidence that showed people were -> snorting cocaine from toilet seats. Why, did he notice the seats taste like cocaine? -> The publican said the use of WD40 was a last resort and denied his -> actions were dangerous. "Look out, Robin! It's the Publican! And he's denying his actions are dangerous!" "That's right, Batman! Not even you can withstand a blast from what I've just stolen -- the world's largest can of WD-40!" "Publican, you fool, you can't stop me as long as I'm high on my super-powerful Batcaine! Nananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana Batcaine!" -> "We have to do everything we can to protect our business and -> create a nice, safe environment," he said. -> -> "They (cocaine users) are loud and obnoxious. -> -> "They are out of place, they don't fit in with the rest of the -> people in here." The bars which are the most fun are the ones where the patrons can't _afford_ cocaine. -> The bar owner claimed there was not a big drugs problem at The -> Coach House and said the few who were snorting cocaine were now -> going elsewhere. Also, The Coach House is now nicknamed "The Greasy-Ass Bar". -> "We have seen people with bleeding noses and certain people who we -> suspected may have been on drugs don't come here any more," he said. It's a good thing alcohol isn't a drug! -- K. So what's he going to do about crystal meth? Smear peanut butter on all the light bulbs? Staple dead fish to the carpet? Glue some Oreos to every ice cube? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:55:39 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop > > -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. > > If this man had his business in America, he'd be ok. Because in America, > we are savages and we spray down our toilet seats with urine and feces. Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're never _ever_ going to visit your home. Or let you visit their home. -- K. And little boys always wonder why public restrooms have these strange things called "urinals". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:26:20 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] in America, we are savages and we spray down our toilet > > > seats with urine and feces. > > > > Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're > > never _ever_ going to visit your home. > > I know Lots doesn't read anything I write because I'm a Slimey Gurl, Yeah, but over in the other thread you hinted that under certain circumstances you might be a considered a "fag hag", so he's probably on the bus over to your house right now. Expect a man wearing a child-size pirate hat. Hurry up and lower your expectations before he gets there. > but I went off on this very topic several months ago, in another forum. > I work in an office building with supposedly civilized beings, yet the > bathroom is often worse than the kiddie bathrooms at the pre-school > I used to work in. I just remember the puzzled look on the face of the girl in kindergarten who didn't quite make it to the bathroom. She was standing in this big puddle outside the bathroom door with this look of utter bafflement on her face, either "Now how did this happen? I'm outside the bathroom and yet I no longer need to go to the bathroom!" or perhaps "I wonder what excuse Mrs. Golden would buy?" > SERIOUSLY! GROSS! STUFF! BELOW! > > There's always something disgusting on the floor. Or on the seat, or > unflushed. Always. And the nasty skanky hairy security guard used to > bring her Big Gulp drink into the bathroom with her, go, and then grab her > Big Gulp and leave WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS. She got fired, thank god. One of my favorite "National Lampoon" cartoons was the men's room at a Chinese restaurant where someone is watching the chef standing at a urinal under a sign saying "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH CHOPSTICKS". So, how many of you people were eating lunch just now, and at what point during this article did you stop? > Someone managed to get poo on a toilet paper dispenser, and because the > janitors are fucking dolts, after a couple of days I had to tape a note to > the wall which read "Please clean this" with an arrow pointing to the poo > spot. I call album title on "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot". Any musical group wants to put out a CD with named "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot", they'll have to pay us royalties. (I get a 50% finder's fee.) > In a first floor bathroom, some lady manages to go into the same stall > every day after lunch and spray the entire stall with fecal matter. I > suspect she doesn't want to get her bum dirty by sitting on the clean > toilet seat, and fecalarity insues. This is important: Follow her in the morning, find out what she has for lunch, and tell us. Fifty quatloos says she orders the same meal every day, and another hundred says she's found the secret location of the only McDonalds restaurant that's test-marketing McChili. > Well, you get the idea. The maintenance staff put in heavy duty > fresheners in the women's rooms. When Ed worked in the building, he swore > none of the men's rooms had mandatory freshening. That's probably because > men aren't the disgusting fucking pigs the women in this building are. You haven't seen the men's room at the Alewife (T) station (northern end of the Red Line, where the red icicles are still sort of barely glowing.) I was there yesterday and man was it horrible. The only filthier public restroom I've ever seen was that one at the Wendy's on Seventh Avenue in Manhattan that was like... um, which "Cheech & Chong" film was it that had the shot of Cheech's toilet in silhouette with the big mound? > I hate women. See, you do have something in common with Lots42. -- K. White Castles usually have eerily clean restrooms, defying all the laws of logic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New apartment pics Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:01:52 -0500 Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > So, I got myself a new unit just before Xmas. If we were to call you a "metric weenie", would that mean you're a METRIC weenie or a metric WEENIE? Never mind, I'm just being juvenile. I can afford to do that because I'm very comfortable with the size of my unit. -- K. "STAND BACK, I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:37:48 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I have conceived of a new gameshow that Kibo can host, called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > [...] suppose there were a game show more like "Who Wants > To Be A Millionaire?" crossed with "Let's Make A Deal" ... it > would be called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > and the gimmick is not just to see what straight guys will do > for money, but also to see how they will react if they feel > they became TOO GAY. I'm surprised you came up with such an EXTREMELY GAY idea. I think thinking up that idea just made you gayer than a dogpile of figure skaters. In fact, I think that idea is so gay that everyone who read it just became a little bit gay. Shame on you for being TOO GAY. Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of Girl Cooties like some people do. I think the problem is that any guy who's so big a sissy that he's scared of girls shouldn't be upstairs, either. So the macho guys are upstairs, the plain old sissies are downstairs, and the super-sissies go upstairs to get away from the fag hags who are downstairs. Maybe there should be a sub-basement for those ultraqueens who shouldn't be around either women or butch guys. They'd serve nothing but extra-pink Shirley Temples and the bar napkins would be little paper dolls you could dress up. And everyone would get a nametag on the way in, and they'd all say "Cinderella". Every ten minutes, there would be a mass glitter drop. -- K. Are you sure it should be a ladder of gay and not a staircase? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:06:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the > > presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- > > 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- > > Crap. Well, now I'm confused. I thought if I liked hanging around the > lumberjacks instead of the figure skaters, it meant I was a fag hag. Now > I don't know what I am! I need a clearly-defined list of monosyllabic > labels to define myself as a person, or I'm just not comfortable. It's okay to be a fag hag, just for some reason it's not okay to do it in the leather bar. It's okay to do it in vanilla gay bars. Don't ask why. (I'm still trying to figure out the 393-page leather bar code of conduct myself -- I can't get past the "Brown leather is unacceptable unless it's a Nazi uniform" part. It can be a pretty ridiculous microcosm in there, and since these people have such weirdly specific expectations for how people should dress and behave when they're there, you can understand why a non-leather-wearing, non-male, non-gay woman wandering in would disrupt their world.) I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. If you do want to hang out with the guys in the leather bar, at least dress like a dominatrix rather than a tourist. In fact, that's good advice for all women, wherever they're going. I find it amusing that there are some leathermen who are creeped out by the presence of a fag hag in their midst. They're not the sort of people you'd expect to have a "Zoinks, it's a g-g-g-girl!" phobia. I mean, I can't take someone seriously as a tough guy if they're scared chicks might be hanging out in the same room. Those are probably the same guys who go out of their way to put their mouths on random body parts of random strangers but the moment they're asked to lick the tops of someone's boots they say "Ewwwwwwww!" That can be a segment for "Ladder Of Gay": "What, you don't want to lick that cop's boots? YOU SISSY!" > > but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of > > Girl Cooties like some people do. > > It's not like women are carriers of the dreaded Straight Virus, or that > our poor fashion sense is going to rub off on innocent bystanders. The > Get-Rid-Of-Slimey-girlS school of thought always bugged me, maybe because > I'm a slimey girl. The first all gay friend I had came out and > immediately started calling all his female friends "bitch" and "ho" and > shrieking at us about our clothes and hair. Every woman should have one bitch-queen friend to give her advice on how to dress to appeal to men. Just be sure to do the exact opposite of whatever he says if you're trying to attract straight men and not a yoo-hoo-ing flock of Carson Kressleys. -- K. I accept you, but not the choice that you've made to be slimey. Next time, wear a bib when you're eating okra. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:45:41 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because > > you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. > > I'm about the least sensitive female I know. A co-worker sneezed one > time and I slipped and said, "Fuck you" instead of "Bless you". And I > meant it. Did you do it with the intonation you'd have used for "Lord bless you, dear!" or the intonation normally used for "Hey, fuck you, Captain A-Hole!"? Cause I think saying "Fuck you!" in a really sweet voice would probably confuse the hell out of people. I'd try it except I don't think I could pull it off. (I never say "Bless you!", and I don't care what Jerry Seinfeld thinks. If you sneeze, it's not my responsibility to keep the devil from stealing your soul while you're distracted -- if you really are worried about losing your eternal soul whenever you sneeze, maybe you should just stifle it. So if I did say "Bless you!" I'd probably do it in the tone of voice one would normally use for "Well fuck you too!") -- K. I have been known to yell "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" at cars without a hint of irony. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for the peridic slurry of shredded news! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:42:23 -0500 Via Google News Alerts, random Web surfing, dreams and nightmares and coma fantasies, here are some things that might seem vaguely entertaining if stripped of all context. Go ahead, do that now and before your eyes, these quotes might turn quotable, even if they're not worth reading! -- K. It's a lot like reading graffiti without even needing to take a pee. [music.riverfronttimes.com] -> -> By 2006 the nŸ-funk movement shall be a quaint memory, a brief -> cultural hiccup on the way to something else (the Magic 8 Turd Orb -> is a little cloudy on this, but we're leaning toward a minor "epic -> noir soundtrack" revival, ˆ la Portishead, which will be quickly -> snuffed out by a second coming of the Squirrel Nut Zippers and -> Brian Setzer). [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => [...] one of the Pistons' reserves who shouted at referee Courtney => Kirkland, "You look like Hercules up top and Pee Wee Herman => everywhere else. [...] [valleyadvocate.com] -> -> So where was George when the tsunamis hit? Oh, he spent the day -> pedaling his bicycle around his fake ranch like Pee Wee Herman. [patriots.bostonherald.com] => => JETS deserve spanking => => [...] => => On a day when Chad Pennington and the Jets needed to show up as => big and mean as Shaquille O'Neal, they gave us Pee Wee Herman => instead. [www.pulsetc.com] -> -> I mean, shit, I'd have been more impressed to read that Paul "Pee -> Wee Herman" Reubens was producing the album [...] [www.pantagraph.com] => => Don't expect Bonds to report for spring training looking like Pee => Wee Herman. [ydr.com] -> -> The presidential election takes a bizarre turn when a recount in -> Ohio names Pee Wee Herman as the winner. [www.michiganoutdoornews.com] => => George Taylor, of Coopersville, bagged this 8-point piebald buck => near Felch on Nov. 19. [www.globegazette.com] -> -> You have the nickname "Potsie." How'd you get that? -> -> Coach Mike Hackbart gave it to me the first year I was here. I -> don't know what it means, but he thinks it's funny and it stuck. -> I'm fine with it. -> -> You're a penalty killer, so you need a tougher nickname. What -> would you rather have for a nickname? -> -> I don't know. Potsie is fine with me. [www.contracostatimes.com] => => No one even braked, she said, not even after she put a 30-inch => orange cone into the road and waved a red plastic bag, sobbing all => the while. [www.cybersoccernews.com] -> -> (Although, I did buy Brandi Chastain's book at Borders, so it -> isn't like the days in the Pleistocene when the only soccer books -> on the shelf were all about how to teach kids to avoid tripping -> over orange cones.) [kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com] => => On Christmas Eve I have a steel rule about Christmas music. There => will be, of course, no Rudolph, Mama kissing Santa, rockin' around => my tree or "A Wild Turkey Christmas." => => The afternoon sun, now a dying, mustard-yellow strip of light => running across the horizon, takes the edge off the Bastogne ice => darkness. Here, I play Gregorian chants from a Spanish monastery. => I know, it's kind of Mel Gibsonian, but no one gets flagellated. [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] -> -> And out of all these beaches comes the greatest beach of all. The -> vast, mythical beach that holds all these loves and terrors and -> near drownings. All these futile longings and stubborn hopes and -> buried dog turds and vanished families and beaches that are still -> to come. [www.presstelegram.com] => => But nobody said Tasers cure bad judgment. (Besides, if you're => going to zap a 12-year-old, better a Taser than a baton.) [www.harmony-central.com] -> -> The electronics were getting real noisy and farting but I think -> that may be the battery (more on that later). [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Here, a gentle psychic wedgie to set the Fashion Unfortunates on => the straight and narrow for the new year: [sptimes.com] -> -> Where do you stand on the rubber band issue? Are they useful -> doodads for holding things together, or missiles capable of -> shooting someone's eye out? [pittsburghlive.com] => => "It looks like he's going to rush outside, then he catches you at => just the precise moment," Smith continued. "He gets an inside arm => and clubs 'em, knocks a guy down, almost like he's punching the => guy in the side. => => "Guys will sit on it and he still gets them." [slate.msn.com] -> -> And I wish someone would have sneaked up behind Anthony Hopkins -> while he was intoning his banal lines and given him a gigantic -> wedgie. [www.theregister.co.uk] => => "Is this recording?" he asks, as your reporter pokes => optimistically at a Symbian phone. "Oh, it'll fuck up! It's => digital and digital things suck." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> When I have children, I will have them look up to you as a role -> model (well, besides me, Jesus, and Anson "Potsie" Williams). [www.qctimes.com] => => MERCY on the troops. They want lutefisk. [www.bouldernews.com] -> -> "People may say, 'This guy is the biggest turd around,'" -> Komarnitsky said Monday. "But I was just extending the hoax for -> the sake of Christmas cheer." [www.afterellen.com] => => Dazed and confused, full of fear and loathing, rendered unoriginal => by grief. Truthfully, I feel like I have a big turd in my heart. [www.csmonitor.com] -> -> Three years later, I still had no green card - it kept receding -> like a sadistic swimming instructor. [opinioneditorials.com] => => Apparently, what Irving Berlin meant when he wrote "God Bless => America" was "God Bless Us And Screw You." [www.sciencedaily.com] -> -> Indeed, "mistletoe" literally means "turd on a twig." [www.billingsgazette.com] => => When she has a sore throat, Burdorf gargles with a mix of water => and an old over-the-counter product called Gimp, which may be next => to impossible to find now. [www.thestreet.com] -> -> "The consumer doesn't have unlimited funds," said Joe Spiegel, a -> fund manager with Dalek Capital. [64.4.171.250 -- Quad Cities Online] => => ``We gave them layups all night,'' RI coach Rod Leatherman said. [www.metroactive.com] -> -> And don't miss the delicious, tiny, spongy bread sandwiches filled -> with fried tofu and peanut sauce (50 cents). Think White Castle -> burger only with no meat. [www.automobilemag.com] => => Supercars aren't supposed to be practical, but it is difficult to => imagine anyone other than a dimensionally challenged, => sadomasochistic contortionist getting into the Aston's back seat. [slate.msn.com] -> -> A few toys did feel new. For instance, there's this thing called -> Tokyo Catz. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it seems to involve -> a bunch of slutty cats who tart themselves up like dirty cat -> whores. Fun game! [www.purcellregister.com] => => When he was no bigger than a popcorn fart Matt Montgomery knew => what he wanted to do. He used to watch ESPN instead of cartoons. [www.freep.com] -> -> Baio is probably best known as Charles (Chachi) Arcola from the -> '70s hit "Happy Days" and his status as a major Hollywood love -> machine. [www2.townonline.com] => => But my favorite is the "Grip 'n Flip," a sort of double spatula => sold by a motherly TV huckster whose spiel has come to fascinate => me as much as a Shannon Tweed movie only for different reasons. => => "But wait!" she'll tell you. "Call now and I'll send you a 'Scoop => 'n Strain.'" That, as near as I can make out, is sort of a => combination ladle and colander that enables you to spill things on => the stove faster and more often. [www.journalnow.com] -> -> My bundle held a wide variety, some light-blue striped, some -> light-green striped and some with a pattern resembling sliced okra -> for when I felt really frisky. -> -> [He's talking about underwear.] [icsolihull.icnetwork.co.uk] => => Despite an act that involves a seductress in French lingerie and a => male double-hander of body stretching that almost smacks of => sadomasochism, the show makes excellent family entertainment. => => [They're talking about Cirque du Soleil's "Saltimbanco".] [www.rawstory.com] -> -> He blends emotional scenes with humorous scenes; he adds tragedy -> to optimism; and he can turn a suit-guy into a 'Fonzie.' -> -> [He's talking about Michael Moore.] [www.rawstory.com] => => 'The Perfect Place To Find That Perfect Sadistic And Kinky Holiday => Gift At A Bargain!' crowed the invitation, and boy-oh-boy--who => couldn't use that? [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> My teacher, Celeste, was herself a genuine sadist. This was made -> clear to me the very first day of nursery school, when she led our -> class in a game of "Simon Says" designed to inflict flesh wounds: -> "Simon says: Poke yourself in the eye! Simon says: Hit yourself on -> the head with a Lincoln Log! Stick a crayon up your nose! Whoops. -> I didn't say Simon Says, now did I, Juan?" [www.boston.com] => => ''It's like we're hostages without being in any kind of hostage => situation,'' passenger Misha Shmidt told The Seattle Times from => the plane Tuesday night. [tvnz.co.nz] -> -> "Spiderman, Superman and Batman were involved in a minor -> altercation at 12.32 am at Wincheap on Christmas Day. [...] [mlive.com] => => Those seeking family fun on the last night of the year can find it => at the Hampton Inn and Holiday Inn Express on Felch Street [...] [rr.ps2.ign.com] -> -> The ATV's engines for the most part sound like someone farting NON -> STOP. There is also no crowd sounds for the supercross races, from -> what I noticed. [www.kansas.com] => => Maybe if we taxed the use of orange cones, we could solve the => budget crisis. [www.ocweekly.com] -> -> Pringle's comments are applauded by hostage takers everywhere and -> are slated to be included in the upcoming trade publication The -> Stockholm Syndrome for Dummies.... [www.mcall.com] => => Like a growing number of young women, if your girlfriend had put a => notch in her bedpost every time she bagged a guy, odds are she => would've been sleeping on the floor in a pile of sawdust in a => matter of months. => => Notches aren't the half of it. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> The man who is the subject of this story doesn't come gently to -> consciousness the morning after the big party the night before. -> No, he is literally hurled by the sadistic prison guards who have -> seized control of his brain onto the unpainted concrete floor of -> wakefulness. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => Sprouts were tipped for greatness by the Independent. [www.stltoday.com] -> -> This one has rose-pink petals, an orange cone center and a "top -> hat" -- or double deck -- of more rosy pink. Jelitto Perennial -> Seeds, a German company, developed this plant. [www.oregonlive.com] => => (Did we mention the phrase "swimming in ketchup"?) [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> But readers are still asking for another Chili's. And they -> continue to beg for Trader Joe's, a specialty grocery store based -> in California. That store topped readers' wish lists for 2005. -> -> "We get phone calls, too. Everybody loves Trader Joe's," [www.canoe.ca] => => The Toronto Raptors picked up Eric Williams and Aaron Williams in => the deal for Vince Carter. Just wondering: Was Anson Williams not => available? [www.denverpost.com] -> -> The truth is that combining Hollywood with any other video-store -> chain is like handcuffing two drunks together. They could prop up -> each other for a while, but they are bound to stumble. [observer.guardian.co.uk] => => The ' vice anglais ', so often misrepresented as buggery, refers => actually to an altogether different predilection: the dominatrix => spanking her man. The French have a point. [www.frontiersman.com] -> -> "His detector is not UL approved because it starts alarming below -> 30 PPM," Leatherman said. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Some people who engage in intrusive contact are mean or sadistic; => others are usually nice and are well-liked by others [...] [www.contracostatimes.com] -> -> But as he got closer to the visitors' locker room entrance at the -> Rose Garden, it became clear it wasn'ta cool limp, but a gimp. [www.bostonmagazine.com] => => "[...] So what is god? All god is, is just the initials of life. => The word god is like the word fuck if you really think about it. => Fuck is just the initials for condoned sex. [...]" [www.newhavenadvocate.com] -> -> Mr. Clean has no balls therefore his artists have no balls and -> really that is to their detriment. No big loss. [www.cincypost.com] => => It is my conclusion that while crimes were committed in the White => Castle parking lot on the morning of Nov. 30, 2003, they were not => committed by members of the Cincinnati Police Department," [news.scotsman.com] -> -> Reminiscent of the boys at Rugby School, their sadistic intent was -> ill-disguised. Brocket grinned and Nigel said: "Crocs are me -> speciality!" I tuned out. [www.herald-mail.com] => => "I would like to take a spatula, stick it in the office, turn it => upside down and start over," he said. [www.blacktable.com] -> -> "Lyndie England's got a boyfriend and I don't! What the fuck's -> wrong with me?" -> -> On the birthday front, Erin Gray was born 55 years ago today. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => '[...] The French are so individualistic that they do not even => want to share the air they fart into with other people.' [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Then down the rubber steps into an underground space that looks -> like a cross between the engine room of an old destroyer and a -> dominatrix's mudroom. [www.mercurynews.com] => => How wonderfully Bill Murray of Bill Murray to act like this. How => lovable, how hangdog -- and also how screw-you. [www.alternet.org] -> -> How does one come "pretty close to lounging"? I imagine that this -> is a state of being somewhere between lounging and not lounging, -> but what the fuck? [www.portlandmercury.net] => => Sadly, none of this is even perversely entertaining; if you can => make it to the film's end credits, you'll feel like you just saw => N*Sync reenact a piss-poor episode of Star Trek. [www.godesoto.com] -> -> Under terms of the agreement with the Leatherman family which has -> donated the property for the school campus, the district will -> provide up to $500,000 in sewer infrastructure costs. [www.shreveporttimes.com] => => Jimmy and I actually led early, at 3-0. Then Marshall and UCLA => tanked, as did Virginia, as did yours truly. Jimmy sailed along => and Rump rallied, as did Potsie. [www.thedesertsun.com] -> -> [...] may make it seem that the franchise is trying to be risque, -> but the Pinky Tuscadero (vegetarian salad) and Mini-Me (kids -> chicken quesadilla) make it obvious that the menu is simply titled -> after movies and television characters. [www.reuters.co.uk] => => SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel cannot => sue a website that published a photo of him with two women above a => caption reading "You're never too old to be a pimp," a U.S. => appeals court has ruled. => => The term "pimp" was probably intended as a compliment, the court => said on Tuesday. But Knievel said, "What good is law in the United => States of America if five or six goddamn bimbos are going to rule => against it?" [new.in-forum.com] -> -> Here is a recipe for a tasty treat you simply must try this new -> year. It is for that rare Norwegian delicacy, a lutefisk sandwich. [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => A SADISTIC triple killer changed his plea to guilty after police => gave him cash to buy Mars Bars in jail. [www.nysun.com] -> -> On a tour through the construction zone one day last week, the Sun -> encountered almost a dozen overturned or crushed orange cones - -> including one lying in the middle of the road beneath an -> underpass. [www.sfbg.com] => => But after more than one irate club promoter's spittle-flecked => exhortation to "shove your thesaurus up your ass, motherfucker" => (what, so yo momma can thumb through it, you unfrabjous => gimcracker?), I nicked my ex-pimp's tricked-out gold Impala, => nabbed a fine-looking six-foot-three Latino brutha off the => Internet as copilot, and tootled down to L.A. -- where my big => mouth and ample dictionary actually get me some respect. And free => cocktails. [www.taipeitimes.com -- mystery question marks are theirs] -> -> "The sovereignty of the ROC is already something that is -> acknowledged by the Taiwanese public, and proposing this -> resolution is like taking one's pants down before farting," -> Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) caucus whip Huang Teh-fu (???) -> said. The Chinese proverb "to take one's pants down before -> farting" means to engage in an unnecessary act. [onlineathens.com] => => Suddenly, fried okra is elegant. [u.redlandsdailyfacts.com] -> -> His advocacy has sometimes fallen short, however. Maybe Mom cooks -> the spinach too much, rendering it easy competition for okra's -> slime factor. [www.kekoland.com] => => We're aqua-culturists who give our catch away because we don't => like fish, except lutefisk. [www.metrotimes.com] -> -> Said ad-hoc "committee" will be on hand simply to overrule the -> obvious ballot-stuffing, sniff out palpable turds and select the -> top five nominees in each category [...] [www.palmbeachpost.com] => => A man stole a red salsa bottle from an ice cream truck on the => corner of Southwest 10th Avenue and Southwest Third Street. [www.boston.com] -> -> One thing we can say about the Massachusetts Bay Commuter Railroad -> Co., the MBTA's commuter rail operator: Its executives are not -> afraid to apologize. [www.willistonherald.com] => => With nothing but pride on the line, it's Bundy finishing atop the => panel for the second year in a row. => => Perhaps a stringer of lutefisk and some leftover lefse, along with => some cheese, can be served up as his main prize. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> The haul included a Wood's cycad, a South African species with -> spectacular orange cones. It is extinct in the wild. [abclocal.go.com] => => Guess Road may be freshly paved and ready for commuters, but you => can still hear the construction, see the dust and occasionally run => into some orange cones. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> One component of the program involves using utility trucks to -> demonstrate the special design of the truck, the safety equipment -> and safety procedures used by line personnel, and the purpose of -> the orange cones children often see on streets and highways. [www.yankton.net] => => That little nutritional nougat smacked me upside the head like a => loaf of Aunt Felicity's pound cake, extra fruit and nuts, please. [durantdemocrat.com] -> -> I'd hate to be responsible for killing, or even maiming, your -> coolness. [newtimesbpb.com] => => "A masochist says, 'Beat me, Beat me,' and a sadist says, 'No,'" => he answered his own question. Then he flickered his dark eyebrows => and laughed. The leather-jacketed man, who claimed to weigh in at => 215 pounds, is a Sofa King lightweight. [bostonphoenix.com] -> -> For some city folk, horse poop portends something more horrible -> than the occasional human turd on the apartment steps. [www.macombdaily.com] => => "You can't really be charged for an assault on yourself. [...]" [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> "Some insect species can have 2-3 percent of lipids, others can -> have as much lipids as in a sausage, roughly 40 percent," he said -> in an e-mail. [www.globes.co.il] => => [...] employees maintained a status quo for years, under which the => employees refrained from intervening in the board, and did not => appoint members to sit on it. [www.infoshop.org] -> -> The ACLU successfully defended me from the 8 tickets for obscenity -> in Santa Cruz, and from then on, I have worn a nun's habit to pit -> my costume against the cop costume, to confuse the public's allegiance. [www.thisislondon.co.uk] => => He said: "Every time you fart, or flatulate, or whatever, you live => another 10 minutes. You're getting the poisons out of your body." [www.canadaeast.com] -> -> Then use a hot glue gun to attach some gimp to make a border -> around the top and bottom of the shade. [www.timesrepublican.com] => => I know I missed it completely until a client dropping off a PC at => the shop told me about the article he had read. I did a quick => search on Google and used the search term 'rat brain F22' and sure => enough, the first eight hits were evidence that the story was for => real. [www.digitalspy.co.uk] -> -> Shelley reveals to Rhys that she's compatible with Kirsty. Flynn -> knew but she asked him to sit on it for a few days to see if Laura -> would come good. [msnbc.msn.com] => => Life is like a box of chocolates? If the worst thing in your life => is nougat, you're getting off easy. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Usually, said Tish Byrne, a feng shui practitioner who also does -> house blessings, "I ask for peace, harmony, health, wealth, love -> and laughter." -> -> This is so not a girl thing. [www.securityfocus.com] => => The first sign that some of the hacks were spreading to unwilling => users came in October, in the form of a dishwasher that did => nothing special, but was inexplicably named Candace on the screen. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Q. No one would be better suited to replace Pierce Brosnan as -> James Bond than Adrian Paul. [...] -> -> A. Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions but this is it, lest -> we work our way down to Pee-wee Herman. [www.cantondailyledger.com] => => I also liked the float by Trader Joe's called "Family Outing." It => reminded me of a family camping trip a couple years ago when the => coons ran us out of the campground. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> When they drive to work Monday, the orange barrels should be gone -> and replaced by orange cones. [www.baltimoresun.com] => => "[...] If we sit on it, it makes people think what they thought => all these years, that Mississippi is backwoods. It can be more => than that. And it is more than that." [www.ctnow.com] -> -> The problem with delaying an execution for so many years is that -> the monster may no longer look monstrous. [news.scotsman.com] => => * Japanese robotics experts claim robots will beat humans at => football by 2050 [agnews.tamu.edu headline] -> -> LADYBUG, LADYBUG, DON'T BLEED ON MY DRAPES [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => When it comes to clearing the old tubes via another orifice John => Hartson takes a bit of beating. Skip the next few paragraphs if => you're squeamish. [www.contactmusic.com profile of William Shatner] -> -> He says, "I'm both a masochist and a sadist." [www.sun-times.com] => => You did not welcome [Department of Homeland Security nominee] => Michael Chertoff as the distinguished judge he appears to be. Like => me, you licked your lips and thought: I wonder what brings this => guy down? Dodged nanny taxes? Old girlfriends? My first thought => was a photo of Chertoff wearing a come-hither look and one of => those bare-chested leatherman outfits. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> Schwartz is manager at Leatherman Golf Center in southwest -> Charlotte, where 100 golfers are teeing off daily at the driving -> range. [news.ft.com] => => Having permanent capital, you don't have the same targets. You can => grow your business and you can sit on it - for ever, if you want. [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "OK," I ventured. "Imagine living every day knowing that your body -> is going crazy and you know that craziness can only end when you -> pass a creature the size of a Galia melon, plus a Honeydew, -> through your tiniest orifice." [www.startribune.com] => => Their first volley is a booklet titled "Minnesota Nice Meets Vegas => Nasty," which went out to legislators on Tuesday. It leads off => luridly, warning of "Cabins and call girls, hot dish and hot => money, lutefisk and lust," should Las Vegas interests be allowed => to set up commercial casinos in Minnesota. [www.weeklydig.com] -> -> Flanked by Raggedy Andy and Elvis, the Ice Queen strolled gingerly -> onto snowy Carson Beach, her silver go-go dress and thigh-high -> heels sparkling. After waving to the adoring masses, she doffed -> her white faux fur cape, curtseyed and dove into Boston Harbor. -> The queen submerged her head, splashed about for a bit and then -> returned to the beach to loud cheers, telling the enthused crowd, -> "I've got an icicle up my ass!" In the background, a boom box -> played disco. -> -> And then the Channel 5 cameraman showed up, late, so the scene was -> repeated. [metromix.chicagotribune.com] => => Not only did they write and direct, they star in the film as well, => playing their own original songs in the guise of their => jumpsuit-clad musical alter egos, Beef and Nougat. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> There's a new 'Red Burgundy' okra for all you lovers of this -> different vegetable and the 'Ruby Red' storage onion. [www.columbian.com] => => "Shirley likes a wheel that has a low orifice and small bobbins => that can fill faster. I like a wheel that's taller, with a higher => orifice and huge bobbins. [...]" [www.arbiteronline.com] -> -> I know farting is just a side note, but it helps illustrate my -> point. Old people do things we all want to do but don't have the -> courage. [www2.townonline.com] => => An unattended orange cone is not about to run to the house around => the corner where someone is choking, like Officer Steven Lebert of => the Medford Police did a few years ago. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> But I had never seen an orange cone before. Maybe this was one of -> the earliest tests, literally, to ascertain if we had entered that -> first stage of adulthood. [www.mlive.com] => => "The zipper was down and the button was unbuttoned, so Dietz says => this is another example of sexual sadism on John McRae's part," => Pemberton said. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> [...] no matter how hard you try and their sharpish leg breaks -> really turn on the rough concrete pitch, particularly if they hit -> dehydrated terrier turds. [www.sciencemag.org] => => We report a four-step organic reaction that completely closes a => 13-membered ring orifice of an open-cage fullerene. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> It is a primal human response to melt and stretch that attracts -> humans to pizza, says Professor Sundaram Gunasekaran. [www.npr.org] => => "You have these [hybrid] cars in there, and the HOV lanes are => actually slower than the regular lanes," says Sil Carlson, who => works at the Smithsonian. [www.thehoya.com] -> -> And why not? When my buddies and I from high school got together -> to play our annual Thanksgiving football game this past November, -> my friend Mike scored a touchdown and then knocked one of the -> opposing players over, sat on his head and farted. We all found -> that hilarious. Surely what Randy Moss did wasn't any worse. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Paul Bailey: It's Disney. Anything anyone else has said? It's => true. I was trained to be a musician, I practiced very hard, and I => got there, and I basically had to make farting noises on my => trombone and play show tunes. At Disney, you don't have a choice. [www.thenews-messenger.com] -> -> "Any road leading out of Woodville is pretty much closed, except -> for U.S. 20," said Police Chief Roy Whitehead, who spent much of -> day moving orange cones backward, further marking impassable -> sections of streets. [news.enquirer.com] => => So I date the Cincinnati transplant. The guy who still gets lost => on the road to Delhi. The guy who just can't seem to get the hang => of cornhole. The guy who ponders goetta and wonders what kind of => sadist could possibly do that to pork. [www.thecrimson.com] -> -> Don't write out "TIME!!!" in inch-high scrawl -- it only brings -> out the sadist in us. [www.signonsandiego.com] => => "She'll say, 'Well, he's only a semi-sadist, you know; it's not a => big deal.' ". [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> If any director proves that sadomasochism is just the evil twin of -> sentimentality, it's Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby. [www.nydailynews.com] => => "This is so embarrassing," said Leo. "We had never done that => before and now she's in the hospital and my cat's dead." [www.chron.com] -> -> Except he doesn't necessarily need to extract it from the man who -> profited in the confusion concerning the proper route around an -> orange cone near the finish. [www.latimes.com] => => Just thinking about actor Ed Begley Jr. makes me wince. It's => nothing he did. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Every female at the table had her favourite. No one could tolerate -> the suggestion that hers was not the apex in contemporary -> orifice-moistening technology. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => "[...] Instead build a shit fucking marshmallow building, yeah => that got bankrupt and still loaning, with an extra fuck knows how => many million dollars afterwards because it was so crap. It's => disgusting. It is disgusting. That is my word, disgusting. It's a => strong word but I feel it's appropriate." [www.drownedinsound.com] -> -> The course was like.. "this is a sine wave... thats a desk....give -> us your money, now fuck off!" [www.startribune.com] => => They added: "Visitors will be able to give gifts of fish, incense, => or lutefisk to the guardian spirits of Medicine Lake at Spirit => Shanties; make an appointment to be served tea and dessert in the => Sitting Room (formal dress required); [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> "[...] Obviously, the tempo's not the same as it was Wednesday or -> Thursday, but he moved real well, without a gimp. He didn't have a -> hitch in his giddyap." [www.zwire.com] => => I don't abuse the people who are selected because they have to sit => on it for a full year. [www.mlive.com] -> -> Only a sadist could want a caged human dead and still feel -> entitled to belly up to the bar with St. Peter. [www.thestar.com] => => This is a man, we point out, who drinks his own urine. Board => refers us to a booklet on urine therapy. Good in moderation. => => "Nick [Nolte]'s off track but it doesn't mean he doesn't have => superior intellect," he insists. [www.mlive.com] -> -> They have two children: Maddie, who is 10, and Jack, who is soon -> to be 5, as well as a golden Retriever named Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: These lasers will stop them! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:22:56 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How many movies have had some incredibly valuable object or important > computer protected by a grid of laser beams ready to set off an alarm > if any beam is broken? Why is it that in every case, the thieves are > able to squirm their way through the network of beams without being > detected? Because they wouldn't be able to get through an actual, cheap, real-world motion detector. So in Movie World they have to use (usually highly visible) laser beams that people can get past by doing backflips over them, because otherwise the alarm system might actually work and whoever is pretending to be Sir David Niven would go to prison in the first thirty seconds of the movie, which may or may not be what you want to see depending on how you feel about it turning into "Ilsa Meets Sir David Niven Dubbed By Rich Little". > Do the creators of these security systems install them and > then sit back and have a beer and tell each other "NOBODY could get > through that web of beams without doing some serious gymnastics!" > > PLEASE laser beam grid security system installers, do your job > properly! It would only cost a fraction more to have laser beams > intersecting every cubic centimetre of space in the protected area! > You could even throw in a few lasers which randomly scan the area, > such that burglars cannot guess the pattern. Setting up the beams > so that intruders have to crawl under a few, step over a few more, > and limbo dance under the rest is just silly. Dude, haven't you heard? The President passed a law saying that from now on, all entertainment plots will have to be ripped off from old Nintendo games. All public transportation systems are being dismantled as we speak so they can be replaced with jumping puzzles involving stone cubes levitating over public lava. -- K. I've never seen any of the "Ilsa" movies, but that one that was secretly filmed on the set of "Hogan's Heroes" raises the question: What sort of sleazy soft-core porn was filmed between episodes of "Mork & Mindy"? "Seinfeld"? "The Electric Company"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't taunt Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:11:33 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Don't taunt fun happy pussy cat. > > Or, if you do. Have blink reflexes that are quick enough. > > Ow. > > So I proceeded to taunt him more with my hands later in the day. And > now I have scratches all over my hands too. Well, that's what you get for being dumb enough to tease a poor helpless defenseless innocent little animal that can rip your face off if you try anything stupid. Leave the kitty alone. If you want to tease a lower form of life, there's still people posting to Usenet from WebTVs. -- K. Or, since there's no hockey this year, you could find out what Spartacat's up to and go challenge him to a fight. Be sure to wear a Leafs jersey he can shred. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things you can't bring to the Presidential inauguration Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 08:01:13 -0500 [www.uscapitolpolice.gov] -> -> Prohibited Items -> -> Firearms, weapons of any kind, ammunition (either real or -> simulated), explosives of any kind (including fireworks), knives, -> blades, or sharp objects (of any length), Do fingernails count? What's the legal definition of "sharp objects of any length"? Freud said the legal definition of "phallic" is "anything at least twice as long as it is wide" so maybe a sharp object is "anything of any length." -> aerosol sprays, coolers, thermal or glass containers, mace, ...even if it's just a trace quantity used to make a hot dog taste like a hot dog instead of a plain sausage? Trace mace is an essential ingredient in all the best pureed-scrap-meat weenies! -> pepper spray, sticks, poles, I can still go, my ancestry is from other parts of Europe. -> pocket or hand tools (such as a leatherman), Well fuck you too, I wasn't planning on going anyway. -> packages, backpacks, large bags, duffel bags, suitcases, -> laser pointers, posters, signs, placards (including supports -> structures), animals other than guide dogs or service dogs -> assisting handicapped individuals, strollers, chairs, -> umbrellas, Police prevent Penguin's perplexingly perfidious plot to peril the Presidential parade! -> alcoholic beverages, and any other items at the discretion -> of the security screeners that may pose a potential safety hazard. If these security screeners may pose a potential safety hazard, why do we even have them? -- K. I predict that within ten years, everyone attending any public event will have to show up naked and shaved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Comrades! Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:24:07 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I occasionally see "CCCP" and Soviet-like vintage T-shirts at Urban > Outfitters, between the Atari and Japanese Coca-Cola T-shirts. > > How come communism is kitsch, while swastikas and Confederate flags > are enduring symbols of hate? Because when the United States beat the Soviet Union during World War III, we purchased all rights to their intellectual property. "CCCP" now stands for "Columbia Capitalist Commerce Partners" and the hammer and sickle are the logo of that new version of McDonalds that serves nothing but borscht. The swastika and Confederate flag are still under copyright by their original owners, because the law says copyright lasts until 50 years after their creator died, and Walt Disney's only been dead since 1966. > Maybe communism is kitsch because that's what they WANT us to think. So Hello Kitty is really a Commie? If so, then how come she doesn't have a cute little symmetrical port wine stain on her face somewhere above where her eyebrows would be (not down near where her mouth would be)? Say what you will about the evils of Communism, but at least the Soviets did not discriminate against political leaders who had horrible, gross deformities which would have landed them in an Asylum For The Terminally Funny-Looking had they been born in the United States. Gorbachev had that blotch, Brezhnev had those eyebrows, and so on. Americans are so shallow that they could never elect a President who had any sort of physical handicap. I bet the USA has never elected a President who uses a wheelchair, let alone for four terms. -- K. Kennedy also used one during his last year in office, but that was only because he was practicing for that phony assassination attempt that went wrong when the crappy Manlicher-Carcano rifle actually hit him. Kennedy was just supposed to pretend Oswald had crippled him so that everyone would love him, just like lovable Larry Flynt, and nobody would know he had actually been crippled by the world's worst case of crabs, which he got from Marilyn Monroe, who got them from Larry Flynt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 01:45:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > Looks like Queer Eye for the "Straight" Flea Market Vendor is working, > then. Cue Joe Rogan saying, "What's 'the booth'? Oh, I thought it was a new thing," and then making out with Andy Dick and Dave Foley on top of Lots42's fancy little card table while Stephen Root takes Polaroids. Then cut to that commercial where Lots42 wakes up in bed with Burger King and for breakfast they both drink orange juice with Popeye and get married to Bugs Bunny. Next up, an episode of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" where Conan says that he's gay, says that Max is gay, says that Joel is gay, and says that Lots42 is still straight. His guests are the Fab Five from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", who discuss how to gussy up your fabulous little flea market booth to sell more of those ceramic kitties glued to doilies. One of the kitties could wear a kitschy little pirate hat! -- K. I'm having really hot chili tonight. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:02:04 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > And thus this work-at-home course in Economics 205 concludes with an, er, > passing grade. They don't call it "Home Economics" any more because that freaks out the male students who don't know what they're getting into. So now they just call it "Housewifery". Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed because you have to pretend it's a baby, and then the next week you learn to make delicious yellow cake to use up your baby? The year after I went through junior high, they decided all the boys had to take two units of shop and two of Home Ec, but I was in the lucky olden days when boys got to take four semesters of shop. Wood, metal, plastics, photography, printing, and making an electric buzzer were all covered, and then when I got to high school, I elected for the most manly shop of all, drafting (those huge T-squares are the ultimate medieval weapon.) To this day, I have still never baked even the most rudimentary cake, though I make a mean curry. > > Also, the gay guy was rude and crude today. > > It's called 'bitchiness' when gay guys do it, you know. He's just > upset that you (and possibly yer mom, you didn't say) out-prettied him. > Give him a couple of decorating tips and he'll recover. Or at least > get his bar back over halfway full. What's a "bar back"? Is that when someone like Lots has little diamond- shaped marks on their back from being held down on the pool table? -- K. And what a "decorating tip"? Is that one of those French ticklers for a cookie gun? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:03:20 -0500 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry > > an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed > > Yes. > > But it turns out there were brain parasites in the eggs and I got brainwashed > into helping to try and free and a monster from underneath the school. Well, that's only sort of gay. There must be more that you're not telling us. -- K. So what was the monster into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the birdies are singing what I want to sing Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:11:12 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Still no snow here. But it got down to 13 last night (that's ten below > zero C, or minus one Kevin), What's that on the Sulu scale? And can _your_ phaser fire three separate beams in different directions at the same time to make three different red light bulbs inside three different Styrofoam rocks light up? > and I found out today when I went to do my laundry (I have CLEAN UNDERWEAR > again, FEAR ME!) Okay, so we'll fear you for the next five minutes, until you rejoin the Keebler Fudge Stripe club, silly elf. > that my _fabric softener_ had frozen! And had your fabric freezener softened? > Not solid, but more like blue Dairy-Queen extrudable ice-softener-cream. > Never had that happen before. Then you haven't been going to Dairy Queen often enough. Try their new chlorinated Razzleblorox which mixes three types of berry juice with enough bleach to get it out of anything you spill it on. > And since it was both blue, and in a state of matter it ougnt not to > have been, I felt I had to share it with y'all'uns. I noticed that the "gourmet" ice cream companies like Haagen Dazs are now making intentionally runny semi-liquid ice creams that they call "mousse", "pudding-style", "creme brulee", etc. They're basically McDonalds milkshakes at four times the price. But at least you don't have to worry about them ever changing consistency if you get them too warm or cold -- they're perma-slurried. -- K. Mmm, slurriffic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 03:04:22 -0500 [www9.sbs.com.au] -> -> POOPY FLAG-STANDS BAFFLE POLICE -> 14.1.2005. 11:30:52 -> -> A yearlong search to find who is responsible for sticking -> small American flags into piles of dog droppings in public -> parks in Germany has so far been fruitless. Now you're just giving them ideas. They're going to start sticking flags into fruit, or sticking fruit into poop. -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl, parks -> administrator in Bayreuth, southern Germany. What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? He's German! He should be counting them, marking them on a giant map, categorizing and numbering all of them! -> The sporadic series of incidents was originally thought to be -> a protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. When it -> continued it was thought to be a protest against President -> George W Bush's campaign for re-election. -> -> Bayreuth police say they are completely baffled. It's rare to hear of a protest designed to completely baffle the authorities actually completely baffling the authorities. Bravo, you magnificent bastards! -> "We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is -> doing this in the act," said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. In Germany, there is no more heinous crime than confusing the authorities! -> But he offered no suggestions as to what the offender would -> be charged with if caught. "Poopflagging" isn't a crime, because it isn't even a word... yet. -> Legal experts said there was no law against using faeces as a -> flag stand and the federal constitution was vague on the issue. Dear Germany, please tell your legal experts to stop worrying about which parts of the German constitution specify the standards for displaying American flags. We don't try to keep your flag out of our poop, so don't go worrying about our flag. Our flag can take care of itself. You know what would be even better? Sticking flags of imaginary countries into poop. That would really confuse the German police, especially if you did it in Germany. -- K. I'm really surprised the German constitution doesn't mention poop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 17:57:19 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must > > -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly > > -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl > > > > What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator > > can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? > > That's a lot of flags. Either someone got their hands on some leftover > freebies or they're spending a lot of money to be only moderately funny. I think that's what makes it funny. Nobody could possibly want to spend so much money on a completely pointless prank, and yet they did, and such a contradiction which vexes as it amuses. It reminds me of the time I hired Martin Landau to make that extra-stupid episode of "Space: 1999" which I then snuck into Gerry Anderson's vault and nobody realizes that there's this one fake episode on the "Space: 1999" DVDs because obviously nobody would ever spend fifteen million dollars just to confuse "Space: 1999" fans, if any. > Can't they just find an outlet for those specific kinds of American > flags and find out who's been ordering them by the case? I was assuming they were just laser-printing hundreds of little business-card size rectangles of paper and taping them to swizzle sticks. That's the way I did it when I... but I have said enough. I mean, Ich habe genug gesagt. I mean, I have said enough! I KNOW NOTHINK! -- K. I need to print up hundreds of little Kibonia flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More slathering with Vaseline in the news Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:23:49 -0500 Remember the guy who kept coating the insides of hotel rooms with Vaseline? Here's _this_ month's slimy Vaseline fetishist. [www.pottsmerc.com] -> -> Man sentenced for open lewdness -> -> Carl Hessler Jr., chessler@pottsmerc.com -> 01/19/2005 -> -> NORRISTOWN -- A 40-year-old Lansdale man has admitted -> engaging in a lewd act while watching girls play soccer near -> a local elementary school. -> -> [...] -> -> When police arrived at the scene they discovered Cassell, who -> gave police a false name, sitting in his vehicle. [...] -> -> "He was very nervous, wearing loose fitting shorts with no -> other clothing, and he had a tremendous amount of Vaseline -> covering his entire body and the interior of his vehicle," -> Lansdale police officer George Johnson wrote in the criminal -> complaint. "You see, officer, it's that urban legend come horribly true. I was driving home from work in my tanker truck full of Vaseline, and my wife planned to surprise me with this new Cadillac convertible, but I thought she was cheating on me, so I filled the car with Vaseline, and now I'm driving it over to the car wash to pay five bucks to have them get it completely clean." (I was going to make a "Babylon 5" reference here, but I didn't think it could possibly be worth it.) -> Inside Cassell's vehicle, police found pornographic -> magazines, sex toys, women's garter bands and leggings, and -> a jar of Vaseline, according to the arrest affidavit. How come these pervs never buy the version that comes in the squeeze tube? The tube's more fun to use, and easier to hide in your sock when you go to the public library. -> When Cassell was arrested and searched, police discovered he -> was wearing a pair of women's thong underwear under his -> shorts, according to court documents. When questioned by -> police, he admitted to having a problem masturbating in -> public places, according to court documents. Maybe tinted windows would make it easier. And wait a minute! Officer Johnson's criminal report said "loose fitting shorts with no other clothing"! So he couldn't have been wearing lacy under-undies under the manly over-undies! Oh, Johnson's going to get in trouble for screwing up his report so that they can't prosecute the guy wearing the contradictory underpanties. -> According to state law, by pleading guilty to the charge of -> open lewdness, Cassell admitted that he committed a lewd act, -> which he knew was likely to be observed by others who would -> be affronted or alarmed. Ah, I always love the sentence at the very bottom of the inverted pyramid. "Lewd acts are acts which are lewd, and are generally considered naughty, and sometimes lewd." -- K. Sentences are series of words which fill up space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up tomorrow, don't worry, it was not unexpected. Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:45:50 -0500 Uh oh. Panic grips Boston yet again over some sort of vague, bogus terrorist threat somewhere in... Mexico? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Boston terror threat probed -> -> By Tom Farmer and Michele McPhee -> -> Wednesday, January 19, 2005 -> -> Federal and state authorities are investigating a nuclear -> terrorist threat against Boston after a man calling from -> Mexico told California police that he smuggled two Iraqis and -> four Chinese over the border, the Boston Herald has learned. Would this be the border between Boston and Mexico or the border between Boston and China? -> ``They got a call from across the border in Mexico to the -> California Highway Patrol and he said he brought two Iraqis -> and four Chinese (individuals) across the border and -> according to him, they stated soon to follow behind them -> would be some sort of material,'' said a law enforcement -> source familiar with the investigation. OH NO! IT MIGHT BE SMELLY CORDUROY!!! -> ``He refers to some sort of nuclear material that will follow -> them through New York up into Boston.'' "It will be in the form of a giant robotic puppy that can follow people for thousands of miles before it explodes." -> According to the source, the caller has not identified -> himself and did not show up for a meeting with federal -> investigators in California but he did leave pictures of -> four Chinese men and some names at a ``drop'' site at the -> Mexico-California border. -> -> ``They were dropped by the source at a location. He literally -> threw them over a fence from Mexico to the U.S. side,'' said -> the source. ``There are pictures of the four Chinese and some -> names but just how accurate they are remains a question'' "For instance, we don't think any of the guys really has a big crayon speech-balloon hovering over their head saying 'I am a booger-face.' Fortunately, the person who retouched these photos used an American-made crayon, and all American-made crayons leave tiny microscopic serial numbers in everything they write, so we can make a really awesome 'CSI' episode out of this." -> Massachusetts law enforcement officials were notified of the -> threat at 5:30 a.m. today through the FBI and Boston Police -> Joint Terrorist Task Force. -> -> The threat was serious enough that Mayor Menino ordered the -> Fire Commissioner and the state's Homeland Security Chief -> into his office at City Hall, where they met with officials -> from the CIA, FBI, and Homeland Security Immigration and -> Customs Enforcement agency, a high-ranking city official told -> the Herald. However, the meeting got sidetracked when they spent three hours trying to figure out if there was a way they could turn City Hall right-side-up. (It's one silly-looking building.) -> ``They are desperately trying to piece it together,'' said -> the offial, who added that if the threat is real it is ``very -> scary.'' Then the offial typed the information into his offog. -> A company that trains explosive-sniffing dogs said it was -> alerted that the canines would be searching for a ``dirty -> bomb,'' a New York City law enforcement official said -> yesterday. It's great that they've now got dogs that can sniff out radioactive material. I wonder whether they smell the gamma rays or just the neutrons? -> The Massachusetts investigator said much of the man's -> information sounds far-fetched and investigators have some -> doubts about the caller's validity because he has not -> identified himself. -> -> ``A lot of it doesn't make sense and some of it does,'' said -> the source. ``It's totally uncorroborated. This all began -> several days ago as a series of phone calls and they don't -> know who the caller is. There are some parts of it that just -> don't make sense and other little pieces of it that fall into -> place. The information is these people that came into the -> country are going to New York into Boston and the (nuclear) -> material will follow them.'' Uh oh. One of the elevators in my apartment building was reserved for moving late last night. I wonder whether a terrorist was moving in or moving out. -> The source said there is speculation the caller may have been -> ripped off by illegal immigrants he helped over the border -> and is now trying to exact revenge. When someone wrongs me, I prefer inexact, scattershot revenge. It's just easier, and more fun. -> ``It's very weird. Even if (the Iraqis and Chinese) were -> going to do something why would they be blabbing to the yahoo -> smuggling them across the border? You have to wonder if they -> screwed him on a deal but you have to treat it seriously and -> the issue is how do you put it out to the public and not get -> everybody (in a panic)?'' "Blabbing to the yahoo" is what we now call "blogging". -> The source said the information will soon ``come out over -> police channels and BOLOs (be on the lookout).'' -> -> The source added the FBI office in San Diego is leading the -> investigation. ``The FBI in San Diego is the originating -> office so they are driving the investigation. The FBI in -> Boston is in a tough position because they are waiting for -> information'' "Also they're going to get blown up when the dirty bomb goes off, so we're relying on the agents on the other coast to figure out what happened." -> The caller has not given investigators any means to contact him. -> -> ``They tried to set up a meet with him but he didn't show up.'' Yeah, whatever. -- K. Dan Rather is talking about this on my TV _right_now_, so you know it must be important. Whoops, now he's talking about something else, so it's no longer important. And that's the way it is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The city of Fort Wayne, Indiana, is the world's biggest idiot! Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 19:11:10 -0500 [www.usatoday.com] -> -> Looking for signs of intelligent life in Fort Wayne -> -> By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY -> -> FORT WAYNE, Ind. -- Landing at Fort Wayne International -> Airport, you don't sense anything is amiss. In fact, it's all -> quite pleasant. You can't fool me! I know that John Wayne's airport is right next door to LAX, which is in Lox Angelex, and therefore John Wayne International must be in international waters off the coast of Lox Angelex! Wait, why am I pretending to be stupid? I've never even been to Indiana, let alone pretended to have been there! -> Grandmotherly types hand out sugar cookies to arriving -> visitors. The Avis clerk is downright friendly and efficient. It's like a horrible "Twilight Zone" episode! -> And driving into town, you pass golf courses and garden -> apartments, high schools and one of the locals' favorites, -> the Oyster Bar. Okay, now it's more like that "NewsRadio" episode where Phil Hartman gets stranded in St. Louis and because everyone is being constantly nice to him, he takes advantage of them until they beat him up. So I wonder what would happen if we put Fort Wayne and St. Louis in a big room together and let them be nice to each other until they snapped and tried to kill each other. Phil Hartman and Rod Serling could be the commentators! -> But once you arrive downtown, you start looking at the -> natives with a keener eye. Are they really as dumb as people -> say? Hard to tell, although the hockey team is called the -> Komets. Yes, with a K. Fort Wayne can't be that dumb if they like hockey. Truly dumb cities are riveted by spectator sports involving rolling a golf ball towards bowling pins. (One of the TV stations in Derry, New Hampshire keeps showing that. They call it "candlepin".) -> This heartland city of 255,000 has been dubbed the dumbest -> town in all the land by Men's Health magazine. It came in -> dead last, losing out at the bottom of the heap to the likes -> of Laredo, Texas. Not to be confused with the second-fattest city in the country -- Lardo, Texas. -> The survey is the talk of the town, or at least among those who -> read, and there appear to be thousands. More on them in a bit. I'm bored. Do something else. Give me candy. -> A front-page column in the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel last week -> came with the bold, all-caps headline: SO THEY SAY WE'RE NOT -> THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE BOX ... WHAT DO THEY KNOW? In a smart city, they would have taken the bulbs out of the box before screwing them in. -> Columnist Kevin Leininger suggested it was basically "an evil -> Liberal Media Conspiracy." He pointed out that eight of the -> 10 smartest cities were in blue states, and eight of the -> dumbest were in red states. He says it's not a coincidence -> that "a certain amount of cultural elitism was at work here." And then I pointed out that anyone actually intelligent never uses the phrases "red states" or "blue states" in conversation. -> Though it would be understandable if Fort Wayne residents -> were seeing red these days, most are taking their newfound -> reputation for stupidity in stride. ...just not while chewing gum. -> "I always thought we were the fattest, not the dumbest," says -> Angela Jurczak, 26, a junior at IPFW (Indiana University- -> Purdue University at Fort Wayne). Wait, that's not how you spell "IPFREELY"! Now spell the word "IMAGE" and say "LIGHT BULB". -> The elementary education major says it's hard to believe her -> hometown came in dead last in the smarts department. "I would -> have guessed we're at least a C. Not an F. That's kind of sad." -> -> Sad, yes, but many residents also say it's dead wrong and -> question how the magazine came up with its findings. But men's magazinologists cannot be wrong! Why would "Men's Health" have so many advertisements selling exercise weights if the magazine's readership didn't have a shortage of dumbbells? -> "In each case, we try to gather enough statistics from good -> sources to get what we think is an accurate snapshot," says -> Matt Marion, who oversees the monthly "MetroGrades" page for -> Men's Health. "We feel pretty confident." -> -> Marion even offers a little advice. "If any of this resonates -> ... look inward to see what you can do to make yourself better." "Find a way to make yourself smarter without cancelling your subscription to our vapid magazine aimed at heterosexual men who like to look at pictures of men's shaved chests." -> Dan O'Connell of the Fort Wayne/Allen County Convention and -> Visitors Bureau concedes that Fort Wayne is "sort of a -> vanilla city" Vanilla is the stupidest third of Neapolitan ice cream! That's why Einstein always bought three boxes at a time and only ate the chocolate part of each. -> but says he was "floored" by the study. He cites the museums -> and universities that call Fort Wayne home. "We're spending -> $40-million-plus ($64 million, actually) on a new library. -> That says something about our citizens. We're building a -> library, not a stadium." Hey, maybe Boston should build Fenway Park's replacement in Fort Wayne so as to not interrupt the continued intellectual greatness we've had since we built Fenway Park 500 years ago. -> Jeff Krull agrees. As head of the Allen County Public library -> since 1986, he is overseeing the expansion, which will house -> 2.6 million volumes, more than three times the national -> average for a city its size. Fort Wayne long has been known -> for its library system, including a genealogy section that -> rivals that of the Mormons in Salt Lake City. -> -> "We're the largest public genealogical collection in the -> nation," says Krull, a Williams College grad. "I also have this big five-bladed ninja star I got by sticking my hand into some backlit raspberry jelly so that I can defend myself against all those fake Darth Vaders," he continued, while the younger generation puzzled over an obscure movie reference to the first film where Liam Neeson played a pony-tailed swordsman named Qui-Gon, not the later one that had Jar Jar. -> Last year, he adds, 2 million people used the library, -> borrowing 5 million books. And that was with two of the 13 -> branches closed. Okay, I admit it, Fort Wayne did something smart when they Saklad-proofed two of their library brances. -> Judy Zehner of Fort Wayne's Science Central, an impressive -> hands-on children's museum, wasn't as politic as Krull and -> asked questions left and right about the survey. -> -> "I mean, how many cities do have one?" she asks, referring to -> the survey's Nobel Prize-winner criterion. "You're getting my -> dander up, I'll tell you that!" SOUND THE DANDER ALERT! -> [...] -> -> But Gerry Prokopowicz, who served as Lincoln Scholar for nine -> years at Fort Wayne's Lincoln Museum, says more needs to be -> done to get the city out of the dunce corner. "Some people in -> Fort Wayne are aware that the steady diminishment of its -> intellectual capital is directly connected to the town's -> stagnant economy and are trying to do something about it," -> says Prokopowicz, who teaches history at East Carolina -> University in Greenville, N.C. "Unfortunately, they face a -> strong current of anti-intellectualism mixed with complacency -> and ignorance that characterizes much of the local business -> leadership." Wait, anti-intellectualism isn't a current! It's more of a miasma! And it's not mixed with complacency and ignorance, they're gently swirled together to create a delicious, creamy anti-intellectual miasma that quiescently makes Fort Wayne dumber while it sleeps! -> [...] -> -> When John Scheele, the affable owner and short-order cook, -> announces a reporter is in their midst looking for -> intelligent life in Fort Wayne, Stephen Hinkle, president of -> the local Easter Seals organization, pipes up immediately. -> "That's an oxymoron!" (He then points out that "oxymoron" is -> a pretty big word for such a stupid city.) Why is "Easter Seals" supposed to be an oxymoron? Oh, wait, I get it -- Easter _bunny_. What's the name of that other holiday where you always have to have the trained seals jumping through flaming hoops so you won't go to Hell? -> "A lot of people here play dumb," says Darrell Jaggers, -> president of the Salin Bank and Trust Company. "He's like the -> farmer who says he doesn't know anything when the city -> slicker shows up. It's a quiet kind of thing." I'd just like to point out that I don't normally read USA Today. But there aren't any other newspapers I can turn to to learn whether I live in a stupid place or not. USA Today is the official source for stupidity news. Hey cool, my picture's not in the paper today! -> [...] -> -> Russ Choka, 81, owner of the Coney Island hot dog shop -> ("Our Buns are Steamed"), is more circumspect. -> -> "What do you expect me to say?" he asks. "I've traveled all -> around the world, and nothing tops (Fort Wayne). They may be -> bigger but not better. Why do people always come back here to -> die if it's so bad, if we're so dumb?" -> -> He pauses, then wonders: "I don't sound stupid, do I?" Russ, you really don't have to pour on the sarcasm so heavily to troll the reporter. He's just a reporter for USA Today, not the Laserbrain Smartsy Q. Brainiac Gazette. Hey, want to buy a subscription to that one? Only ten dollars a week, or five hundred dollars for a full year (twelve issues.) And now, the facts: -> Smartest and dumbest cities, according to Men's Health: -> -> Smartest -> -> 1. Minneapolis -> 2. Boston -> 3. Denver -> 4. St. Paul -> 5. Seattle Wait, St. Paul isn't a real city. It's a suburb of Minneapolis. If it's on the list, then Cambridge had better be counted as separate from Boston, too. (Cambridge is almost as smart, because it has MIT and Harvard, while Boston has me.) -> Dumbest -> -> 1. Fort Wayne, Ind. -> 2. Corpus Christi, Texas -> 3. Laredo, Texas -> 4. Las Vegas -> 5. Newark Gee, what's stupid about Las Vegas? -- K. And what state is it in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This really works! Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 01:24:33 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I have been reading Kibo's posts with Conan O'Brien's voice in my head, > it seems to fit really well. The most appropriate voice for Kibo would be: (a) Brian Blessed in "Flash Gordon" (b) Fonzie (c) Orson from "Mork & Mindy" (d) Travis Bickle (e) Rupert Pupkin doing an imitation of Travis Bickle (f) Rupert Bickle as Travis Pupkin in "Flash Gordon" Stop. Put your pencils down. Do not turn the page until instructed to do so. Fold your hands and quietly fantasize about Kibo. > Yes, I did have a couple of drinks before... Before what? Before wetting yourself and passing out in your TV dinner? If so, TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Eww! Stop telling us you peed yourself! -- K. You tellin' me you peed yourself? You tellin' ME you peed yourself? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be tellin' ME! Now kill moose and squirrel! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manly 1970s Kung Fu movies Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 01:30:32 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I ordered these last night: > > The Five Venoms > > One-Armed Boxer vs. The Flying Guillotine > > The Chinese Boxer > > Crippled Avengers > > > > Which order should I watch them in? > > I think I've seen "the crippled avengers", if it's the one with the guy > with no legs, the blind guy, the deaf guy, and the insane guy versus the > guy with no hands. and if "the five venoms" is the same as "five deadly > venoms", I've seen that one, too > > so watch "crippled avengers" first, because it's comedic, then "five deadly > venoms", because it's probably the best kung fu movie EVAH. > > and who cares about the rest of 'em. "Five Deadly Venoms" is my third favorite Shaw brothers film, after "Inframan" and "Blade Runner". It's also the only film I've ever seen where someone is murdered with a wet paper towel. (Should've been titled "Mutiny With The Bounty". Bounty, the quicker fucker-upper!) Also, more films should have iron maidens. Espcially if Robin Williams is in them. "Oh, shazbot, this is pointy!" -- K. I don't know much about martial arts movies, but I can say that the live- action "Dragonball" movie is not one of the better ones.