From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for Saturday, January 15, 2005. Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:16:14 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You failed to notice, but I've been blond for the last 36 hours. > > Tonight I have maroon dye soaking in as I speak. > > Why is is that you don't have a Haircolour page on your site, and you > don't post pix--- even of the back of your head--- to show the various > colours/flavours with which you tempt us? I've been considering a color-coded Terrorist Alert Warning System-style gadget for my Web site to indicate my current hair status. However, (a) that would involve keeping something on my site up to date, and (b) most hair colors I do cannot be displayed by computer monitors. You just can't make a bright orange on a computer screen. > You are a magnificent bastard, you know that? Yes, I know. Let's put it this way: When the bouncer doesn't want to let you in because you're scaring him, you know you're a magnificent bastard. (Hey, it was cold outside, and I didn't feel a need to remove my ski mask because it has a perfectly good mouth hole. I can understand banks being skittish about guys in black leather with ski masks, but I'd think that bars wouldn't mind as long as you have a drink-hole.) Here's how the hair color worked out today: Most of my head came out a dark maroon (a little darker than I wanted), but the beard turned burgundy with significantly too much purple. This is puzzling, because I used the same dye on everything. Anyway, with the ski mask on, I just look like a pair of steely eyes and a purple mustache. Hopefully it'll fade to something less purple in a couple days. Purple's not a good color for me (at least not when it's this close to red so that it's obviously an accident -- I did do a really bright Barney purple once and people seemed to like it.) I still want a blood red. Not a clown red, a blood red. Next time I'll mix less black in with the red. I used too much black because I didn't want to look like Killer Raggedy Andy. -- K. Or worse, Killer Rooney Andy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:43:05 -0500 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Toilet sprayed to stop drug users -> -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. And also so Chuck Berry can get some hilarious hidden-camera footage of drunk people sliding off the toilet seats for his new special, "Creepy Peeping Bloopers & Asstastic Practical Jokes!" -> Carl Brown who owns The Mail Coach Inn, Fleet Street, says the -> solvent, often used on engines and for DIY, causes nose bleeds -> when mixed with the drug. Cocaine could never do that all by itself! -> Mr Brown acted after becoming aware that cocaine use was on the -> increase in the Wiltshire town. -> -> "Before people started coming in here, I thought I'm going to stop -> it before it gets a grip," he said. Another solution would be to just mount the toilets at a strange angle so the seats aren't even remotely horizontal. You know, like a space toilet. Just add some shoulder harnesses so people can strap their butts in if they ever do really have to go. -> The 43-year-old said customers were searched by door staff in a -> bid to stop them bringing drugs into the bar. -> -> He has also attempted to stop drug use inside by removing toilet lids. -> -> But Mr Brown said he still found evidence that showed people were -> snorting cocaine from toilet seats. Why, did he notice the seats taste like cocaine? -> The publican said the use of WD40 was a last resort and denied his -> actions were dangerous. "Look out, Robin! It's the Publican! And he's denying his actions are dangerous!" "That's right, Batman! Not even you can withstand a blast from what I've just stolen -- the world's largest can of WD-40!" "Publican, you fool, you can't stop me as long as I'm high on my super-powerful Batcaine! Nananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana Batcaine!" -> "We have to do everything we can to protect our business and -> create a nice, safe environment," he said. -> -> "They (cocaine users) are loud and obnoxious. -> -> "They are out of place, they don't fit in with the rest of the -> people in here." The bars which are the most fun are the ones where the patrons can't _afford_ cocaine. -> The bar owner claimed there was not a big drugs problem at The -> Coach House and said the few who were snorting cocaine were now -> going elsewhere. Also, The Coach House is now nicknamed "The Greasy-Ass Bar". -> "We have seen people with bleeding noses and certain people who we -> suspected may have been on drugs don't come here any more," he said. It's a good thing alcohol isn't a drug! -- K. So what's he going to do about crystal meth? Smear peanut butter on all the light bulbs? Staple dead fish to the carpet? Glue some Oreos to every ice cube? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:55:39 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop > > -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. > > If this man had his business in America, he'd be ok. Because in America, > we are savages and we spray down our toilet seats with urine and feces. Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're never _ever_ going to visit your home. Or let you visit their home. -- K. And little boys always wonder why public restrooms have these strange things called "urinals". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:26:20 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] in America, we are savages and we spray down our toilet > > > seats with urine and feces. > > > > Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're > > never _ever_ going to visit your home. > > I know Lots doesn't read anything I write because I'm a Slimey Gurl, Yeah, but over in the other thread you hinted that under certain circumstances you might be a considered a "fag hag", so he's probably on the bus over to your house right now. Expect a man wearing a child-size pirate hat. Hurry up and lower your expectations before he gets there. > but I went off on this very topic several months ago, in another forum. > I work in an office building with supposedly civilized beings, yet the > bathroom is often worse than the kiddie bathrooms at the pre-school > I used to work in. I just remember the puzzled look on the face of the girl in kindergarten who didn't quite make it to the bathroom. She was standing in this big puddle outside the bathroom door with this look of utter bafflement on her face, either "Now how did this happen? I'm outside the bathroom and yet I no longer need to go to the bathroom!" or perhaps "I wonder what excuse Mrs. Golden would buy?" > SERIOUSLY! GROSS! STUFF! BELOW! > > There's always something disgusting on the floor. Or on the seat, or > unflushed. Always. And the nasty skanky hairy security guard used to > bring her Big Gulp drink into the bathroom with her, go, and then grab her > Big Gulp and leave WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS. She got fired, thank god. One of my favorite "National Lampoon" cartoons was the men's room at a Chinese restaurant where someone is watching the chef standing at a urinal under a sign saying "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH CHOPSTICKS". So, how many of you people were eating lunch just now, and at what point during this article did you stop? > Someone managed to get poo on a toilet paper dispenser, and because the > janitors are fucking dolts, after a couple of days I had to tape a note to > the wall which read "Please clean this" with an arrow pointing to the poo > spot. I call album title on "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot". Any musical group wants to put out a CD with named "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot", they'll have to pay us royalties. (I get a 50% finder's fee.) > In a first floor bathroom, some lady manages to go into the same stall > every day after lunch and spray the entire stall with fecal matter. I > suspect she doesn't want to get her bum dirty by sitting on the clean > toilet seat, and fecalarity insues. This is important: Follow her in the morning, find out what she has for lunch, and tell us. Fifty quatloos says she orders the same meal every day, and another hundred says she's found the secret location of the only McDonalds restaurant that's test-marketing McChili. > Well, you get the idea. The maintenance staff put in heavy duty > fresheners in the women's rooms. When Ed worked in the building, he swore > none of the men's rooms had mandatory freshening. That's probably because > men aren't the disgusting fucking pigs the women in this building are. You haven't seen the men's room at the Alewife (T) station (northern end of the Red Line, where the red icicles are still sort of barely glowing.) I was there yesterday and man was it horrible. The only filthier public restroom I've ever seen was that one at the Wendy's on Seventh Avenue in Manhattan that was like... um, which "Cheech & Chong" film was it that had the shot of Cheech's toilet in silhouette with the big mound? > I hate women. See, you do have something in common with Lots42. -- K. White Castles usually have eerily clean restrooms, defying all the laws of logic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 17:31:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You haven't seen the men's room at the Alewife (T) station (northern end > > of the Red Line, where the red icicles are still sort of barely glowing.) > > I was there yesterday and man was it horrible. The only filthier public > > restroom I've ever seen was that one at the Wendy's on Seventh Avenue > > in Manhattan that was like... um, which "Cheech & Chong" film was it > > that had the shot of Cheech's toilet in silhouette with the big mound? > > And people wonder why I tip the bathroom attendant at the flea market. So do you give him the tip before or after you pay him? And do you go by "George" or "Mr. Michael"? Anyway, you should check out that restroom at the Alewife station if you like (T) rooms. > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > I hate women. > > > > See, you do have something in common with Lots42. > > If by hate you mean 'love with an intense desire common to all straight men' > then yes, I do. Lots, I don't think you have any claim to use at least half the words in that sentence. I'd draw you a diagram of what "intense" really means if you weren't still struggling with a unique definition of "straight". You wouldn't know intense if it bit you on the pirate hat. -- K. So what sort of razor do you shave with, and why? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 20:46:46 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't killfile people simply because they are gurls. Um, Lots, I hope you're not trying to break it to us that you've only got two weeks to live, but otherwise I can't think of why you're suggesting what quote will someday go on your tombstone. You want the pink granite, right? With fur trim? -- K. And the "i"s dotted with little pictures of white tigers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 02:40:52 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Um, Lots, I hope you're not trying to break it to us that you've > > only got two weeks to live, but otherwise I can't think of why you're > > suggesting what quote will someday go on your tombstone. > > Dear Kibo: If I had two weeks to live, you'd think I'd be on Usenet? > No, I'd be out banging a list of chicks I know. Okay, if you ever have heterosexual sex, I'll know that I'll need to get plane tickets to your funeral within two weeks. Until then, keep avoiding women if you're not sick. > And or showing them my doc's note on my D00m so I can see their boobiers. Doctors don't give you a little wallet card that says you're dying, you fool. They will only tell you news that important over the phone. Also, "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards are not actually available to the public -- and I'm not telling you where I got mine, though I can get you one for only two goldenrod bills, one blue bill, and a handful of little houses that seem like they should be Lego-compatible but aren't. > At least, I wouldn't waste any time talking to you, because you smell like > broccli. You have me confused with one of the talking computer-animated Christian puppet vegetables in that show your mommy lets you watch. You should consider asking her for some of those "Davey & Goliath" videos instead. I bet you'd like the one where Davey wishes everybody's a fireman. -- K. But it turns into a nightmare when they try to play baseball and God's voice booms out, "Everybody's a pitcher! We need catchers!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:43:44 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to notice > the nurse's uniforms. What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have male nurses? You'd like them, I hear that to keep the hospital sterile they have to keep their chests shaved. Maybe they'd send in the male nurses if you got one of those MedicAlert bracelets that says you're allergic to girls and require two twinks a day. -- K. So tell us about your time in the hospital. Did you get your gerbil back? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:17:14 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I [Talysman] just wrote: > > > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAT" > > or "LADDER OF GAY". That's okay, I just cancelled _my_ followup to your article so that I could fix your typo so that your pathetic mistake wouldn't reflect badly on my heftacularly megabang response. > "LADDER OF GAT" would be an entirely different sort of game show, where > contestants would wander down a long hall and try to select only the doors > with fabulous prizes behind them and not those with loaded guns. Make 'em "splurge guns" and you've got "Beat The Clock". But then after you direct that show you'd have to go on to do another which revolves around Hannibal Lecter giving Ferris Bueller dozens of enormous yogurt enemas and then maybe people will start to catch on that there's something really wrong with your brain. By the way, which subset of the peanut gallery finds these references more annoying? The people who never watch any movies, or the vast majority who only watch good movies and not the ones I like to mention? -- K. -> ALAN PARKER -> -> Director - filmography -> -> 1. The Life of David Gale (2003) -> 2. Angela's Ashes (1999) -> 3. Evita (1996) -> 4. The Road to Wellville (1994) -> 5. The Commitments (1991) -> 6. Come See the Paradise (1990) -> 7. Mississippi Burning (1988) -> 8. Angel Heart (1987) -> 9. Birdy (1984) -> 10. Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) -> 11. Shoot the Moon (1982) -> 12. Fame (1980) -> 13. Midnight Express (1978) -> 14. Bugsy Malone (1976) -> 15. The Evacuees (1975) (TV) -> 16. Footsteps (1974) -> 17. Our Cissy (1974) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:05:31 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > > > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to > > > notice the nurse's uniforms. > > > > What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have > > male nurses? > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAY" > game show that I proposed. you could really *torture* these straight > guys by planting doubts in their branes that what they are doing is > perfectly hetero. and you'd enjoy doing it. At first I was thinking that no, you should have some sort of sissy Oscar Wilde type with a pink frilly lace shirt and clear nail polish and really tight cut-off shorts hosting the show to make the straight guys squeamish, but then I realized it'd be better to have a butch guy there just to make the straight guys feel inadequately masculine. At the beginning of every show, you could have a huge pro wrestler in overalls come running in yelling "I'M GONNA ROUGH YOU UP, FUCKERS!" and put each of the straight guys in a different hold just to get them nice and rattled. There's nothing more manly than a guy in a tightly- laced wrestling mask putting someone in a scissorlock and sitting on him. > right as the guy is about to goose a girl for $200, you could say "go > ahead! give him a pat on the ass!" and as the victim paused with doubt, > you would hastily add "OR HER!" and as he started to goose her, you could > stifle a laugh. I think the way that segment should work is that they have to reach through a hole in the set and identify whether they're groping the butt of a man or a woman. And it would always actually be a woman behind there, but that would improve everyone's enjoyment of the look of horror on the guy's face when he can barely force himself to reach in once I've told him, "The last fifty-nine times it was a woman, but you never know, this time it _might_ be a man!" We could also present him with three sexy (female) swimsuit models and lie to him that one of them is really a man, and then all three would start making out with him while he squirmed. The important thing is to try to make them squeamish while they're actually doing perfectly hetero things involving sexy swimsuit models that other homophobes will tune in to leer at before the secret Gay Agenda Signal embedded between the scan lines of the picture goes to work on their brains. The "Videodrome" signal would also be hidden in the picture, mainly because that would give me an excuse to wear a black rubber hazmat suit at the end of the episode where the loser gets electrocuted. Or is that straying too far from your original concept? > also, you'd probably be good at selecting the contestants. as I suggested, > it should be "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"-like, except instead of people waving > funny signs to be picked as a contestant, the audience would mostly be guys > there to see some other guy get humiliated. > > and you would walk amongst them, trying to decide which man is the *most* > eager to see someone else humiliated and the *least* eager to be humiliated > himself. It would be more entertaining to just pick people at random to prove that anyone can be broken, especially if we're going to do the "Videodrome" angle. For instance, did you know that even people who think they're not ticklish are ticklish? You have to know where the magic spots are, but everyone's got 'em if you have the right touch. > I'm still trying to decide whether the television audience at home would > like it better to keep the actual genders of the "girls" secret or to reveal > their genders. it does seem somewhat appealing to flash "ACTUALLY A GUY" or > "ACTUALLY A GIRL" on the screen right as you're goading someone into french > kissing someone. First of all, Fox has already done that. Secondly, a lot of gay people would get upset at any implication that gayness and cross-dressing are related (the straight cross-dressers would protest, too.) Thirdly, there's no way you could make it impossible to tell which of two hot women is really a man when they're standing side-by-side. I say they should all be girls and the show should have no actual gay content whatsoever, it should just all be about trying to make the guys think that they _might_ be doing something gay. "Here, cut this peanut butter sandwich in half... Ah, I see one of our three contestants chose to cut their sandwiches diagonally... So, did you learn that from your Daddy or your Mommy? Mmm-hmm, did you enjoy spending all that time in the kitchen helping Mommy?" Basically, it would be like "Have you stopped beating your wife?" only without any wife-beating. My favorite line from "The Simpsons" is from the episode where Nelson gets caught making out with Lisa -- "You kissed a GIRL! That is SO GAY!" -- and that's how we'd play it. We'd have hetero guys doing the most hetero things possible -- ogling women in bikinis, playing tackle football, and shooting guns -- while we planted seeds of doubt that these actions made them gay. "So, what did you think of the paisley print on her bikini? What, you didn't look at her bikini? What are you, afraid to look at a woman, you homo?" > of course, if you're not available as a host, Eddie Izzard would be > a good choice, too. Or El Chacal De La Trompeta, provided he can bring that guy in the lion suit who carries guys off to his lair. -- K. P.S. With your fantasies about watching guys trying to spot who's the female impersonator, you're _this_ close to being Alan Turing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:54:43 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. With your fantasies > > about watching guys trying > > to spot who's the female > > impersonator, you're _this_ > > close to being Alan Turing. > > You know, the invention of cybering has added all sorts of strange > twists to the idea of the Turing Test. My point was that's what it _was_ when Turing invented it. His thought- experiment, which he called "The Imitation Game", was about whether you could tell the difference between a man and a woman from their writing style. He would have been so amused by this business of straight guys pretending to be chicks on the Internet just to watch other straight guys try to pick them up. "I invented the computer, and now you're using all those gigahertz just to pretend you're a girl for no reason whatsoever? That proves two of my theories -- that you can't tell much about people by talking to them, and that people are bozos compared to these modern futuristic computers I didn't live to see!" If he had lived fifty years later, I bet he would have been the first to draw a flowchart of gaydar. But he killed himself after Big Brother gave him all those estrogen shots to make him grow boobs because he was gay. (I still can't figure out that logic. Sometimes I'm glad the US government doesn't have a health-care system.) -- K. And then there's the Mr. Spock version of the Turing Test, which says that computers can pretend to be men and rule entire planets, but no computer can pass as a woman because it's impossible to program a computer to be that illogical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:37:27 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > off her child, who was late to school. I wonder why the child was > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > appearance. I also had to talk to the kids about not being mean to a > person because someone else dresses weird. They have pajama days > sometimes at the schools, but you have to wear shoes that are > appropriate for walking outdoors and modest PJs. I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." There should be more days when kids are encouraged to all dress up differently from each other, rather than being given permission to all do the same thing at once. There needs to be a day where any kid who is dressed the same as any other kid is ostracized. Of course, if the other kid turns them in first, they get candy. Let's co-opt the McCarthy-era attitudes towards social conformity by getting kids to snitch on kids who aren't nonconformist enough! -- K. Kids should be less obedient and more dangerously unpredictable! Also schools should teach how to play video games so that the kids' friends won't laugh at their feeble skills when they get a job and have a LAN Quake party. Do kids these days still play Quake? I bought one of those Atari joysticks that has ten Atari 2600 games built-in, but it's not right because all the stuff that's supposed to flicker doesn't. Ruins everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:06:45 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically > > makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." > > Of course, if you give *permission* to them to do something and > they do it, they're conforming. The only way to really do it > right would be for the teacher to say "You know, you're not really > supposed to dress like a pirate this Friday, but I think you might > be able to get away with it if you do." Or maybe not. Either that or you could tell the kids something like "There's a good chance George Bush will stop the war if you all dress up like pirates tomorrow," because teachers somehow get away with making the most insane political assertions to the kids. But of course we all know politics doesn't work that way. If you want to effect real change, you have to dress funny, light a candle, hold hands, and sway while singing that song from "The Wizard Of Oz" while looking at a picture of Mary Worth. > > Kids should be less obedient and > > more dangerously unpredictable! > > One day a week, all the kids who are supposed to take Ritalin or > methamphetamines don't, instead giving them to the kids who aren't > supposed to take them. This day is to be chosen at random. Probably by the same idiots in Boston who programmed the jury-duty-selection computer to randomly choose people for jury duty except they didn't know the difference between the rand() and sort() functions and so everyone whose last name is Aaron has jury duty this month. The Boston Globe's headline was "Jury pool unshuffled, leaves court unruffled." > IT'S LIKE A KOALA BEAR CRAPPED A RAINBOW IN MY BRAIN! Tell me something I don't see every day. -- K. Brain rainbows taste bumpy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:37:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > > > off her child, who was late to school. > > You couldn't hit me in the head with a frozen leg of lamb enough times > to make me think this is a problem on any level of reality. Mmm, Dahl-tastic! Want me to dress up as a cop and come over for dinner? I'll bring the CD of Gounod's "Funeral March of a Marionette". > The mom was still in PJs and slippers? WHO THE FUCKING FUCK CARES? > My mother used to go grocery shopping in the 70s with rollers in her > hair and an ugly scarf over it; I bet that's what caused the OPEC crisis. Yeah, but you live in one of those states where it's legal to drive barefoot. In Boston, you can't even ride the subway without a three-piece suit, a bowler derby, and at least one false eyelash. Observe the propaganda posters on the wall of the Kenmore station if you don't believe me. And those guys who come around to your house and put the little plastic padlock on your electric meter? In Boston, they also have guys who go around padlocking pantyhose onto women. > > > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > > > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > > > appearance. > > Oh, for fuck's sake. Can someone send some gonads and extra brain bits > to Paula's part of the world? Why are you obsessed with McChili? > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > In the small town Kansas high school I went to, they had "Dress Like > Your Ancesors Day". Everyone ASS-U-ME-d that we'd all dress like cowboys > and cowgirls. Ed (being 1/4 Japanese) showed up in a kimono. > Unfortunately, he had other clothes on under the kimono, but the point was > made. Hundreds of little Tim McGraw wannabes, one Toshiro Mifune. > I got a huge crush on Ed that day. DON'T TELL HIM! I never had any cowboy ancestors. Just a bunch of boring old knights and barbarians and stuff. Oh, and some cavemen, but that was a while ago -- we've since lost touch with that branch of the family. -- K. Who's Tim McGraw? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New apartment pics Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:01:52 -0500 Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > So, I got myself a new unit just before Xmas. If we were to call you a "metric weenie", would that mean you're a METRIC weenie or a metric WEENIE? Never mind, I'm just being juvenile. I can afford to do that because I'm very comfortable with the size of my unit. -- K. "STAND BACK, I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:37:48 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I have conceived of a new gameshow that Kibo can host, called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > [...] suppose there were a game show more like "Who Wants > To Be A Millionaire?" crossed with "Let's Make A Deal" ... it > would be called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > and the gimmick is not just to see what straight guys will do > for money, but also to see how they will react if they feel > they became TOO GAY. I'm surprised you came up with such an EXTREMELY GAY idea. I think thinking up that idea just made you gayer than a dogpile of figure skaters. In fact, I think that idea is so gay that everyone who read it just became a little bit gay. Shame on you for being TOO GAY. Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of Girl Cooties like some people do. I think the problem is that any guy who's so big a sissy that he's scared of girls shouldn't be upstairs, either. So the macho guys are upstairs, the plain old sissies are downstairs, and the super-sissies go upstairs to get away from the fag hags who are downstairs. Maybe there should be a sub-basement for those ultraqueens who shouldn't be around either women or butch guys. They'd serve nothing but extra-pink Shirley Temples and the bar napkins would be little paper dolls you could dress up. And everyone would get a nametag on the way in, and they'd all say "Cinderella". Every ten minutes, there would be a mass glitter drop. -- K. Are you sure it should be a ladder of gay and not a staircase? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:06:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the > > presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- > > 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- > > Crap. Well, now I'm confused. I thought if I liked hanging around the > lumberjacks instead of the figure skaters, it meant I was a fag hag. Now > I don't know what I am! I need a clearly-defined list of monosyllabic > labels to define myself as a person, or I'm just not comfortable. It's okay to be a fag hag, just for some reason it's not okay to do it in the leather bar. It's okay to do it in vanilla gay bars. Don't ask why. (I'm still trying to figure out the 393-page leather bar code of conduct myself -- I can't get past the "Brown leather is unacceptable unless it's a Nazi uniform" part. It can be a pretty ridiculous microcosm in there, and since these people have such weirdly specific expectations for how people should dress and behave when they're there, you can understand why a non-leather-wearing, non-male, non-gay woman wandering in would disrupt their world.) I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. If you do want to hang out with the guys in the leather bar, at least dress like a dominatrix rather than a tourist. In fact, that's good advice for all women, wherever they're going. I find it amusing that there are some leathermen who are creeped out by the presence of a fag hag in their midst. They're not the sort of people you'd expect to have a "Zoinks, it's a g-g-g-girl!" phobia. I mean, I can't take someone seriously as a tough guy if they're scared chicks might be hanging out in the same room. Those are probably the same guys who go out of their way to put their mouths on random body parts of random strangers but the moment they're asked to lick the tops of someone's boots they say "Ewwwwwwww!" That can be a segment for "Ladder Of Gay": "What, you don't want to lick that cop's boots? YOU SISSY!" > > but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of > > Girl Cooties like some people do. > > It's not like women are carriers of the dreaded Straight Virus, or that > our poor fashion sense is going to rub off on innocent bystanders. The > Get-Rid-Of-Slimey-girlS school of thought always bugged me, maybe because > I'm a slimey girl. The first all gay friend I had came out and > immediately started calling all his female friends "bitch" and "ho" and > shrieking at us about our clothes and hair. Every woman should have one bitch-queen friend to give her advice on how to dress to appeal to men. Just be sure to do the exact opposite of whatever he says if you're trying to attract straight men and not a yoo-hoo-ing flock of Carson Kressleys. -- K. I accept you, but not the choice that you've made to be slimey. Next time, wear a bib when you're eating okra. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:45:41 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because > > you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. > > I'm about the least sensitive female I know. A co-worker sneezed one > time and I slipped and said, "Fuck you" instead of "Bless you". And I > meant it. Did you do it with the intonation you'd have used for "Lord bless you, dear!" or the intonation normally used for "Hey, fuck you, Captain A-Hole!"? Cause I think saying "Fuck you!" in a really sweet voice would probably confuse the hell out of people. I'd try it except I don't think I could pull it off. (I never say "Bless you!", and I don't care what Jerry Seinfeld thinks. If you sneeze, it's not my responsibility to keep the devil from stealing your soul while you're distracted -- if you really are worried about losing your eternal soul whenever you sneeze, maybe you should just stifle it. So if I did say "Bless you!" I'd probably do it in the tone of voice one would normally use for "Well fuck you too!") -- K. I have been known to yell "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" at cars without a hint of irony. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for the periodic slurry of shredded news! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:42:23 -0500 Via Google News Alerts, random Web surfing, dreams and nightmares and coma fantasies, here are some things that might seem vaguely entertaining if stripped of all context. Go ahead, do that now and before your eyes, these quotes might turn quotable, even if they're not worth reading! -- K. It's a lot like reading graffiti without even needing to take a pee. [music.riverfronttimes.com] -> -> By 2006 the nŸ-funk movement shall be a quaint memory, a brief -> cultural hiccup on the way to something else (the Magic 8 Turd Orb -> is a little cloudy on this, but we're leaning toward a minor "epic -> noir soundtrack" revival, ˆ la Portishead, which will be quickly -> snuffed out by a second coming of the Squirrel Nut Zippers and -> Brian Setzer). [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => [...] one of the Pistons' reserves who shouted at referee Courtney => Kirkland, "You look like Hercules up top and Pee Wee Herman => everywhere else. [...] [valleyadvocate.com] -> -> So where was George when the tsunamis hit? Oh, he spent the day -> pedaling his bicycle around his fake ranch like Pee Wee Herman. [patriots.bostonherald.com] => => JETS deserve spanking => => [...] => => On a day when Chad Pennington and the Jets needed to show up as => big and mean as Shaquille O'Neal, they gave us Pee Wee Herman => instead. [www.pulsetc.com] -> -> I mean, shit, I'd have been more impressed to read that Paul "Pee -> Wee Herman" Reubens was producing the album [...] [www.pantagraph.com] => => Don't expect Bonds to report for spring training looking like Pee => Wee Herman. [ydr.com] -> -> The presidential election takes a bizarre turn when a recount in -> Ohio names Pee Wee Herman as the winner. [www.michiganoutdoornews.com] => => George Taylor, of Coopersville, bagged this 8-point piebald buck => near Felch on Nov. 19. [www.globegazette.com] -> -> You have the nickname "Potsie." How'd you get that? -> -> Coach Mike Hackbart gave it to me the first year I was here. I -> don't know what it means, but he thinks it's funny and it stuck. -> I'm fine with it. -> -> You're a penalty killer, so you need a tougher nickname. What -> would you rather have for a nickname? -> -> I don't know. Potsie is fine with me. [www.contracostatimes.com] => => No one even braked, she said, not even after she put a 30-inch => orange cone into the road and waved a red plastic bag, sobbing all => the while. [www.cybersoccernews.com] -> -> (Although, I did buy Brandi Chastain's book at Borders, so it -> isn't like the days in the Pleistocene when the only soccer books -> on the shelf were all about how to teach kids to avoid tripping -> over orange cones.) [kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com] => => On Christmas Eve I have a steel rule about Christmas music. There => will be, of course, no Rudolph, Mama kissing Santa, rockin' around => my tree or "A Wild Turkey Christmas." => => The afternoon sun, now a dying, mustard-yellow strip of light => running across the horizon, takes the edge off the Bastogne ice => darkness. Here, I play Gregorian chants from a Spanish monastery. => I know, it's kind of Mel Gibsonian, but no one gets flagellated. [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] -> -> And out of all these beaches comes the greatest beach of all. The -> vast, mythical beach that holds all these loves and terrors and -> near drownings. All these futile longings and stubborn hopes and -> buried dog turds and vanished families and beaches that are still -> to come. [www.presstelegram.com] => => But nobody said Tasers cure bad judgment. (Besides, if you're => going to zap a 12-year-old, better a Taser than a baton.) [www.harmony-central.com] -> -> The electronics were getting real noisy and farting but I think -> that may be the battery (more on that later). [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Here, a gentle psychic wedgie to set the Fashion Unfortunates on => the straight and narrow for the new year: [sptimes.com] -> -> Where do you stand on the rubber band issue? Are they useful -> doodads for holding things together, or missiles capable of -> shooting someone's eye out? [pittsburghlive.com] => => "It looks like he's going to rush outside, then he catches you at => just the precise moment," Smith continued. "He gets an inside arm => and clubs 'em, knocks a guy down, almost like he's punching the => guy in the side. => => "Guys will sit on it and he still gets them." [slate.msn.com] -> -> And I wish someone would have sneaked up behind Anthony Hopkins -> while he was intoning his banal lines and given him a gigantic -> wedgie. [www.theregister.co.uk] => => "Is this recording?" he asks, as your reporter pokes => optimistically at a Symbian phone. "Oh, it'll fuck up! It's => digital and digital things suck." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> When I have children, I will have them look up to you as a role -> model (well, besides me, Jesus, and Anson "Potsie" Williams). [www.qctimes.com] => => MERCY on the troops. They want lutefisk. [www.bouldernews.com] -> -> "People may say, 'This guy is the biggest turd around,'" -> Komarnitsky said Monday. "But I was just extending the hoax for -> the sake of Christmas cheer." [www.afterellen.com] => => Dazed and confused, full of fear and loathing, rendered unoriginal => by grief. Truthfully, I feel like I have a big turd in my heart. [www.csmonitor.com] -> -> Three years later, I still had no green card - it kept receding -> like a sadistic swimming instructor. [opinioneditorials.com] => => Apparently, what Irving Berlin meant when he wrote "God Bless => America" was "God Bless Us And Screw You." [www.sciencedaily.com] -> -> Indeed, "mistletoe" literally means "turd on a twig." [www.billingsgazette.com] => => When she has a sore throat, Burdorf gargles with a mix of water => and an old over-the-counter product called Gimp, which may be next => to impossible to find now. [www.thestreet.com] -> -> "The consumer doesn't have unlimited funds," said Joe Spiegel, a -> fund manager with Dalek Capital. [64.4.171.250 -- Quad Cities Online] => => ``We gave them layups all night,'' RI coach Rod Leatherman said. [www.metroactive.com] -> -> And don't miss the delicious, tiny, spongy bread sandwiches filled -> with fried tofu and peanut sauce (50 cents). Think White Castle -> burger only with no meat. [www.automobilemag.com] => => Supercars aren't supposed to be practical, but it is difficult to => imagine anyone other than a dimensionally challenged, => sadomasochistic contortionist getting into the Aston's back seat. [slate.msn.com] -> -> A few toys did feel new. For instance, there's this thing called -> Tokyo Catz. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it seems to involve -> a bunch of slutty cats who tart themselves up like dirty cat -> whores. Fun game! [www.purcellregister.com] => => When he was no bigger than a popcorn fart Matt Montgomery knew => what he wanted to do. He used to watch ESPN instead of cartoons. [www.freep.com] -> -> Baio is probably best known as Charles (Chachi) Arcola from the -> '70s hit "Happy Days" and his status as a major Hollywood love -> machine. [www2.townonline.com] => => But my favorite is the "Grip 'n Flip," a sort of double spatula => sold by a motherly TV huckster whose spiel has come to fascinate => me as much as a Shannon Tweed movie only for different reasons. => => "But wait!" she'll tell you. "Call now and I'll send you a 'Scoop => 'n Strain.'" That, as near as I can make out, is sort of a => combination ladle and colander that enables you to spill things on => the stove faster and more often. [www.journalnow.com] -> -> My bundle held a wide variety, some light-blue striped, some -> light-green striped and some with a pattern resembling sliced okra -> for when I felt really frisky. -> -> [He's talking about underwear.] [icsolihull.icnetwork.co.uk] => => Despite an act that involves a seductress in French lingerie and a => male double-hander of body stretching that almost smacks of => sadomasochism, the show makes excellent family entertainment. => => [They're talking about Cirque du Soleil's "Saltimbanco".] [www.rawstory.com] -> -> He blends emotional scenes with humorous scenes; he adds tragedy -> to optimism; and he can turn a suit-guy into a 'Fonzie.' -> -> [He's talking about Michael Moore.] [www.rawstory.com] => => 'The Perfect Place To Find That Perfect Sadistic And Kinky Holiday => Gift At A Bargain!' crowed the invitation, and boy-oh-boy--who => couldn't use that? [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> My teacher, Celeste, was herself a genuine sadist. This was made -> clear to me the very first day of nursery school, when she led our -> class in a game of "Simon Says" designed to inflict flesh wounds: -> "Simon says: Poke yourself in the eye! Simon says: Hit yourself on -> the head with a Lincoln Log! Stick a crayon up your nose! Whoops. -> I didn't say Simon Says, now did I, Juan?" [www.boston.com] => => ''It's like we're hostages without being in any kind of hostage => situation,'' passenger Misha Shmidt told The Seattle Times from => the plane Tuesday night. [tvnz.co.nz] -> -> "Spiderman, Superman and Batman were involved in a minor -> altercation at 12.32 am at Wincheap on Christmas Day. [...] [mlive.com] => => Those seeking family fun on the last night of the year can find it => at the Hampton Inn and Holiday Inn Express on Felch Street [...] [rr.ps2.ign.com] -> -> The ATV's engines for the most part sound like someone farting NON -> STOP. There is also no crowd sounds for the supercross races, from -> what I noticed. [www.kansas.com] => => Maybe if we taxed the use of orange cones, we could solve the => budget crisis. [www.ocweekly.com] -> -> Pringle's comments are applauded by hostage takers everywhere and -> are slated to be included in the upcoming trade publication The -> Stockholm Syndrome for Dummies.... [www.mcall.com] => => Like a growing number of young women, if your girlfriend had put a => notch in her bedpost every time she bagged a guy, odds are she => would've been sleeping on the floor in a pile of sawdust in a => matter of months. => => Notches aren't the half of it. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> The man who is the subject of this story doesn't come gently to -> consciousness the morning after the big party the night before. -> No, he is literally hurled by the sadistic prison guards who have -> seized control of his brain onto the unpainted concrete floor of -> wakefulness. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => Sprouts were tipped for greatness by the Independent. [www.stltoday.com] -> -> This one has rose-pink petals, an orange cone center and a "top -> hat" -- or double deck -- of more rosy pink. Jelitto Perennial -> Seeds, a German company, developed this plant. [www.oregonlive.com] => => (Did we mention the phrase "swimming in ketchup"?) [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> But readers are still asking for another Chili's. And they -> continue to beg for Trader Joe's, a specialty grocery store based -> in California. That store topped readers' wish lists for 2005. -> -> "We get phone calls, too. Everybody loves Trader Joe's," [www.canoe.ca] => => The Toronto Raptors picked up Eric Williams and Aaron Williams in => the deal for Vince Carter. Just wondering: Was Anson Williams not => available? [www.denverpost.com] -> -> The truth is that combining Hollywood with any other video-store -> chain is like handcuffing two drunks together. They could prop up -> each other for a while, but they are bound to stumble. [observer.guardian.co.uk] => => The ' vice anglais ', so often misrepresented as buggery, refers => actually to an altogether different predilection: the dominatrix => spanking her man. The French have a point. [www.frontiersman.com] -> -> "His detector is not UL approved because it starts alarming below -> 30 PPM," Leatherman said. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Some people who engage in intrusive contact are mean or sadistic; => others are usually nice and are well-liked by others [...] [www.contracostatimes.com] -> -> But as he got closer to the visitors' locker room entrance at the -> Rose Garden, it became clear it wasn'ta cool limp, but a gimp. [www.bostonmagazine.com] => => "[...] So what is god? All god is, is just the initials of life. => The word god is like the word fuck if you really think about it. => Fuck is just the initials for condoned sex. [...]" [www.newhavenadvocate.com] -> -> Mr. Clean has no balls therefore his artists have no balls and -> really that is to their detriment. No big loss. [www.cincypost.com] => => It is my conclusion that while crimes were committed in the White => Castle parking lot on the morning of Nov. 30, 2003, they were not => committed by members of the Cincinnati Police Department," [news.scotsman.com] -> -> Reminiscent of the boys at Rugby School, their sadistic intent was -> ill-disguised. Brocket grinned and Nigel said: "Crocs are me -> speciality!" I tuned out. [www.herald-mail.com] => => "I would like to take a spatula, stick it in the office, turn it => upside down and start over," he said. [www.blacktable.com] -> -> "Lyndie England's got a boyfriend and I don't! What the fuck's -> wrong with me?" -> -> On the birthday front, Erin Gray was born 55 years ago today. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => '[...] The French are so individualistic that they do not even => want to share the air they fart into with other people.' [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Then down the rubber steps into an underground space that looks -> like a cross between the engine room of an old destroyer and a -> dominatrix's mudroom. [www.mercurynews.com] => => How wonderfully Bill Murray of Bill Murray to act like this. How => lovable, how hangdog -- and also how screw-you. [www.alternet.org] -> -> How does one come "pretty close to lounging"? I imagine that this -> is a state of being somewhere between lounging and not lounging, -> but what the fuck? [www.portlandmercury.net] => => Sadly, none of this is even perversely entertaining; if you can => make it to the film's end credits, you'll feel like you just saw => N*Sync reenact a piss-poor episode of Star Trek. [www.godesoto.com] -> -> Under terms of the agreement with the Leatherman family which has -> donated the property for the school campus, the district will -> provide up to $500,000 in sewer infrastructure costs. [www.shreveporttimes.com] => => Jimmy and I actually led early, at 3-0. Then Marshall and UCLA => tanked, as did Virginia, as did yours truly. Jimmy sailed along => and Rump rallied, as did Potsie. [www.thedesertsun.com] -> -> [...] may make it seem that the franchise is trying to be risque, -> but the Pinky Tuscadero (vegetarian salad) and Mini-Me (kids -> chicken quesadilla) make it obvious that the menu is simply titled -> after movies and television characters. [www.reuters.co.uk] => => SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel cannot => sue a website that published a photo of him with two women above a => caption reading "You're never too old to be a pimp," a U.S. => appeals court has ruled. => => The term "pimp" was probably intended as a compliment, the court => said on Tuesday. But Knievel said, "What good is law in the United => States of America if five or six goddamn bimbos are going to rule => against it?" [new.in-forum.com] -> -> Here is a recipe for a tasty treat you simply must try this new -> year. It is for that rare Norwegian delicacy, a lutefisk sandwich. [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => A SADISTIC triple killer changed his plea to guilty after police => gave him cash to buy Mars Bars in jail. [www.nysun.com] -> -> On a tour through the construction zone one day last week, the Sun -> encountered almost a dozen overturned or crushed orange cones - -> including one lying in the middle of the road beneath an -> underpass. [www.sfbg.com] => => But after more than one irate club promoter's spittle-flecked => exhortation to "shove your thesaurus up your ass, motherfucker" => (what, so yo momma can thumb through it, you unfrabjous => gimcracker?), I nicked my ex-pimp's tricked-out gold Impala, => nabbed a fine-looking six-foot-three Latino brutha off the => Internet as copilot, and tootled down to L.A. -- where my big => mouth and ample dictionary actually get me some respect. And free => cocktails. [www.taipeitimes.com -- mystery question marks are theirs] -> -> "The sovereignty of the ROC is already something that is -> acknowledged by the Taiwanese public, and proposing this -> resolution is like taking one's pants down before farting," -> Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) caucus whip Huang Teh-fu (???) -> said. The Chinese proverb "to take one's pants down before -> farting" means to engage in an unnecessary act. [onlineathens.com] => => Suddenly, fried okra is elegant. [u.redlandsdailyfacts.com] -> -> His advocacy has sometimes fallen short, however. Maybe Mom cooks -> the spinach too much, rendering it easy competition for okra's -> slime factor. [www.kekoland.com] => => We're aqua-culturists who give our catch away because we don't => like fish, except lutefisk. [www.metrotimes.com] -> -> Said ad-hoc "committee" will be on hand simply to overrule the -> obvious ballot-stuffing, sniff out palpable turds and select the -> top five nominees in each category [...] [www.palmbeachpost.com] => => A man stole a red salsa bottle from an ice cream truck on the => corner of Southwest 10th Avenue and Southwest Third Street. [www.boston.com] -> -> One thing we can say about the Massachusetts Bay Commuter Railroad -> Co., the MBTA's commuter rail operator: Its executives are not -> afraid to apologize. [www.willistonherald.com] => => With nothing but pride on the line, it's Bundy finishing atop the => panel for the second year in a row. => => Perhaps a stringer of lutefisk and some leftover lefse, along with => some cheese, can be served up as his main prize. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> The haul included a Wood's cycad, a South African species with -> spectacular orange cones. It is extinct in the wild. [abclocal.go.com] => => Guess Road may be freshly paved and ready for commuters, but you => can still hear the construction, see the dust and occasionally run => into some orange cones. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> One component of the program involves using utility trucks to -> demonstrate the special design of the truck, the safety equipment -> and safety procedures used by line personnel, and the purpose of -> the orange cones children often see on streets and highways. [www.yankton.net] => => That little nutritional nougat smacked me upside the head like a => loaf of Aunt Felicity's pound cake, extra fruit and nuts, please. [durantdemocrat.com] -> -> I'd hate to be responsible for killing, or even maiming, your -> coolness. [newtimesbpb.com] => => "A masochist says, 'Beat me, Beat me,' and a sadist says, 'No,'" => he answered his own question. Then he flickered his dark eyebrows => and laughed. The leather-jacketed man, who claimed to weigh in at => 215 pounds, is a Sofa King lightweight. [bostonphoenix.com] -> -> For some city folk, horse poop portends something more horrible -> than the occasional human turd on the apartment steps. [www.macombdaily.com] => => "You can't really be charged for an assault on yourself. [...]" [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> "Some insect species can have 2-3 percent of lipids, others can -> have as much lipids as in a sausage, roughly 40 percent," he said -> in an e-mail. [www.globes.co.il] => => [...] employees maintained a status quo for years, under which the => employees refrained from intervening in the board, and did not => appoint members to sit on it. [www.infoshop.org] -> -> The ACLU successfully defended me from the 8 tickets for obscenity -> in Santa Cruz, and from then on, I have worn a nun's habit to pit -> my costume against the cop costume, to confuse the public's allegiance. [www.thisislondon.co.uk] => => He said: "Every time you fart, or flatulate, or whatever, you live => another 10 minutes. You're getting the poisons out of your body." [www.canadaeast.com] -> -> Then use a hot glue gun to attach some gimp to make a border -> around the top and bottom of the shade. [www.timesrepublican.com] => => I know I missed it completely until a client dropping off a PC at => the shop told me about the article he had read. I did a quick => search on Google and used the search term 'rat brain F22' and sure => enough, the first eight hits were evidence that the story was for => real. [www.digitalspy.co.uk] -> -> Shelley reveals to Rhys that she's compatible with Kirsty. Flynn -> knew but she asked him to sit on it for a few days to see if Laura -> would come good. [msnbc.msn.com] => => Life is like a box of chocolates? If the worst thing in your life => is nougat, you're getting off easy. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Usually, said Tish Byrne, a feng shui practitioner who also does -> house blessings, "I ask for peace, harmony, health, wealth, love -> and laughter." -> -> This is so not a girl thing. [www.securityfocus.com] => => The first sign that some of the hacks were spreading to unwilling => users came in October, in the form of a dishwasher that did => nothing special, but was inexplicably named Candace on the screen. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Q. No one would be better suited to replace Pierce Brosnan as -> James Bond than Adrian Paul. [...] -> -> A. Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions but this is it, lest -> we work our way down to Pee-wee Herman. [www.cantondailyledger.com] => => I also liked the float by Trader Joe's called "Family Outing." It => reminded me of a family camping trip a couple years ago when the => coons ran us out of the campground. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> When they drive to work Monday, the orange barrels should be gone -> and replaced by orange cones. [www.baltimoresun.com] => => "[...] If we sit on it, it makes people think what they thought => all these years, that Mississippi is backwoods. It can be more => than that. And it is more than that." [www.ctnow.com] -> -> The problem with delaying an execution for so many years is that -> the monster may no longer look monstrous. [news.scotsman.com] => => * Japanese robotics experts claim robots will beat humans at => football by 2050 [agnews.tamu.edu headline] -> -> LADYBUG, LADYBUG, DON'T BLEED ON MY DRAPES [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => When it comes to clearing the old tubes via another orifice John => Hartson takes a bit of beating. Skip the next few paragraphs if => you're squeamish. [www.contactmusic.com profile of William Shatner] -> -> He says, "I'm both a masochist and a sadist." [www.sun-times.com] => => You did not welcome [Department of Homeland Security nominee] => Michael Chertoff as the distinguished judge he appears to be. Like => me, you licked your lips and thought: I wonder what brings this => guy down? Dodged nanny taxes? Old girlfriends? My first thought => was a photo of Chertoff wearing a come-hither look and one of => those bare-chested leatherman outfits. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> Schwartz is manager at Leatherman Golf Center in southwest -> Charlotte, where 100 golfers are teeing off daily at the driving -> range. [news.ft.com] => => Having permanent capital, you don't have the same targets. You can => grow your business and you can sit on it - for ever, if you want. [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "OK," I ventured. "Imagine living every day knowing that your body -> is going crazy and you know that craziness can only end when you -> pass a creature the size of a Galia melon, plus a Honeydew, -> through your tiniest orifice." [www.startribune.com] => => Their first volley is a booklet titled "Minnesota Nice Meets Vegas => Nasty," which went out to legislators on Tuesday. It leads off => luridly, warning of "Cabins and call girls, hot dish and hot => money, lutefisk and lust," should Las Vegas interests be allowed => to set up commercial casinos in Minnesota. [www.weeklydig.com] -> -> Flanked by Raggedy Andy and Elvis, the Ice Queen strolled gingerly -> onto snowy Carson Beach, her silver go-go dress and thigh-high -> heels sparkling. After waving to the adoring masses, she doffed -> her white faux fur cape, curtseyed and dove into Boston Harbor. -> The queen submerged her head, splashed about for a bit and then -> returned to the beach to loud cheers, telling the enthused crowd, -> "I've got an icicle up my ass!" In the background, a boom box -> played disco. -> -> And then the Channel 5 cameraman showed up, late, so the scene was -> repeated. [metromix.chicagotribune.com] => => Not only did they write and direct, they star in the film as well, => playing their own original songs in the guise of their => jumpsuit-clad musical alter egos, Beef and Nougat. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> There's a new 'Red Burgundy' okra for all you lovers of this -> different vegetable and the 'Ruby Red' storage onion. [www.columbian.com] => => "Shirley likes a wheel that has a low orifice and small bobbins => that can fill faster. I like a wheel that's taller, with a higher => orifice and huge bobbins. [...]" [www.arbiteronline.com] -> -> I know farting is just a side note, but it helps illustrate my -> point. Old people do things we all want to do but don't have the -> courage. [www2.townonline.com] => => An unattended orange cone is not about to run to the house around => the corner where someone is choking, like Officer Steven Lebert of => the Medford Police did a few years ago. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> But I had never seen an orange cone before. Maybe this was one of -> the earliest tests, literally, to ascertain if we had entered that -> first stage of adulthood. [www.mlive.com] => => "The zipper was down and the button was unbuttoned, so Dietz says => this is another example of sexual sadism on John McRae's part," => Pemberton said. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> [...] no matter how hard you try and their sharpish leg breaks -> really turn on the rough concrete pitch, particularly if they hit -> dehydrated terrier turds. [www.sciencemag.org] => => We report a four-step organic reaction that completely closes a => 13-membered ring orifice of an open-cage fullerene. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> It is a primal human response to melt and stretch that attracts -> humans to pizza, says Professor Sundaram Gunasekaran. [www.npr.org] => => "You have these [hybrid] cars in there, and the HOV lanes are => actually slower than the regular lanes," says Sil Carlson, who => works at the Smithsonian. [www.thehoya.com] -> -> And why not? When my buddies and I from high school got together -> to play our annual Thanksgiving football game this past November, -> my friend Mike scored a touchdown and then knocked one of the -> opposing players over, sat on his head and farted. We all found -> that hilarious. Surely what Randy Moss did wasn't any worse. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Paul Bailey: It's Disney. Anything anyone else has said? It's => true. I was trained to be a musician, I practiced very hard, and I => got there, and I basically had to make farting noises on my => trombone and play show tunes. At Disney, you don't have a choice. [www.thenews-messenger.com] -> -> "Any road leading out of Woodville is pretty much closed, except -> for U.S. 20," said Police Chief Roy Whitehead, who spent much of -> day moving orange cones backward, further marking impassable -> sections of streets. [news.enquirer.com] => => So I date the Cincinnati transplant. The guy who still gets lost => on the road to Delhi. The guy who just can't seem to get the hang => of cornhole. The guy who ponders goetta and wonders what kind of => sadist could possibly do that to pork. [www.thecrimson.com] -> -> Don't write out "TIME!!!" in inch-high scrawl -- it only brings -> out the sadist in us. [www.signonsandiego.com] => => "She'll say, 'Well, he's only a semi-sadist, you know; it's not a => big deal.' ". [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> If any director proves that sadomasochism is just the evil twin of -> sentimentality, it's Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby. [www.nydailynews.com] => => "This is so embarrassing," said Leo. "We had never done that => before and now she's in the hospital and my cat's dead." [www.chron.com] -> -> Except he doesn't necessarily need to extract it from the man who -> profited in the confusion concerning the proper route around an -> orange cone near the finish. [www.latimes.com] => => Just thinking about actor Ed Begley Jr. makes me wince. It's => nothing he did. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Every female at the table had her favourite. No one could tolerate -> the suggestion that hers was not the apex in contemporary -> orifice-moistening technology. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => "[...] Instead build a shit fucking marshmallow building, yeah => that got bankrupt and still loaning, with an extra fuck knows how => many million dollars afterwards because it was so crap. It's => disgusting. It is disgusting. That is my word, disgusting. It's a => strong word but I feel it's appropriate." [www.drownedinsound.com] -> -> The course was like.. "this is a sine wave... thats a desk....give -> us your money, now fuck off!" [www.startribune.com] => => They added: "Visitors will be able to give gifts of fish, incense, => or lutefisk to the guardian spirits of Medicine Lake at Spirit => Shanties; make an appointment to be served tea and dessert in the => Sitting Room (formal dress required); [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> "[...] Obviously, the tempo's not the same as it was Wednesday or -> Thursday, but he moved real well, without a gimp. He didn't have a -> hitch in his giddyap." [www.zwire.com] => => I don't abuse the people who are selected because they have to sit => on it for a full year. [www.mlive.com] -> -> Only a sadist could want a caged human dead and still feel -> entitled to belly up to the bar with St. Peter. [www.thestar.com] => => This is a man, we point out, who drinks his own urine. Board => refers us to a booklet on urine therapy. Good in moderation. => => "Nick [Nolte]'s off track but it doesn't mean he doesn't have => superior intellect," he insists. [www.mlive.com] -> -> They have two children: Maddie, who is 10, and Jack, who is soon -> to be 5, as well as a golden Retriever named Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:05:28 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. > > Get with the times. These days, girls buy paint with suede and metal > in them. Or at least this girl does. Paint with _suede_ in it? What do you do with that, throw it on people who aren't wearing enough fur? Wake me when they make a paint with black leather in it. That would be the ultimate fingerpaint. I'm envisioning a version of "Goldfinger" where James Bond has to hunt me down after I've finger-painted Jack Black black until he died of whatever version of skin suffocation you can get from wearing too much leather. (Of course we wouldn't really kill him just to make a movie, especially since it's not even possible to wear too much leather.) Why don't they make good James Bond movies any more? Somewhere in Scotland, poor little Alan Cumming is just sitting by the phone waiting to play the role... Come to think of it, he has a small role in the last good one ("Goldeneye") so the producers must have his phone number on file. Let Alan Cumming be Bond! The movie could have a scene where he gets reeeeeally interested in investigating Tom Cruise's friend getting roughed up. The title would be "Never Say Fidelio". -- K. I heard Fidel Castro picked his name just so he could get into that party. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: These lasers will stop them! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:22:56 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How many movies have had some incredibly valuable object or important > computer protected by a grid of laser beams ready to set off an alarm > if any beam is broken? Why is it that in every case, the thieves are > able to squirm their way through the network of beams without being > detected? Because they wouldn't be able to get through an actual, cheap, real-world motion detector. So in Movie World they have to use (usually highly visible) laser beams that people can get past by doing backflips over them, because otherwise the alarm system might actually work and whoever is pretending to be Sir David Niven would go to prison in the first thirty seconds of the movie, which may or may not be what you want to see depending on how you feel about it turning into "Ilsa Meets Sir David Niven Dubbed By Rich Little". > Do the creators of these security systems install them and > then sit back and have a beer and tell each other "NOBODY could get > through that web of beams without doing some serious gymnastics!" > > PLEASE laser beam grid security system installers, do your job > properly! It would only cost a fraction more to have laser beams > intersecting every cubic centimetre of space in the protected area! > You could even throw in a few lasers which randomly scan the area, > such that burglars cannot guess the pattern. Setting up the beams > so that intruders have to crawl under a few, step over a few more, > and limbo dance under the rest is just silly. Dude, haven't you heard? The President passed a law saying that from now on, all entertainment plots will have to be ripped off from old Nintendo games. All public transportation systems are being dismantled as we speak so they can be replaced with jumping puzzles involving stone cubes levitating over public lava. -- K. I've never seen any of the "Ilsa" movies, but that one that was secretly filmed on the set of "Hogan's Heroes" raises the question: What sort of sleazy soft-core porn was filmed between episodes of "Mork & Mindy"? "Seinfeld"? "The Electric Company"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 19:42:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will there ever again be any toys you can play with instead of > > just resell? > > We played with the Monty Python Cow Catapult even though everyone else > kept it mint unopened in box. I discovered that the cows have flat butts. > Also, the Trojan Rabbit is held together by scotch tape. I figure they > screwed up little details like that, expecting that no one would open the > toy because all toys are now collector's items. Lately, the only toys I've seen in stores that I had even fleeting thoughts about buying until the sanity of "Why spend money on something you'll just keep on top of the TV?" kicked in were the Knockman toys from Japan. These are little solid-colored plastic robots with smiley faces. You wind them up, and all they do is rhythmically pound on their own heads or otherwise cause self-destructive mayhem. The all-black Knockman is my favorite, though I must admit I also like the noise made by the one that twirls the clear hula hoop with the ball bearing rolling along the gear teeth inside. There should be more robots programmed to beat themselves up for your amusement. And you know they're real robots and not just wind-up toys because each one has a little pink heart that revolves while he's punching himself in the head. I encountered the Knockman toys while shopping for more Yakuza DVDs for my collection (you know, Suzuki, Ishi, Ishii, Miike, Hasebe, Fukasaku, etc.) A few decades ago, American mass-market audiences discovered chop-sockey films from Hong Kong. Twenty years ago, anime films started to creep into stores. Ten years ago, Americans suddenly discovered wire-fu, followed by hentai. Now, it seems like the next big Asian cultural import trend to come bubbling up from underground is the Japanese Yakuza film. Any store with a good selection of foreign films (by which I mean anything other than dubbed anime) will have at least as many Yakuza films as any other sort of Asian films these days. This makes me happy, because I always appreciate the intersection of hipness with violence and cinematography, and it's hard to wait all those years between Tarantino's homages to these sorts of films. (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) I just want to know how, precisely, the hippest Japanese mobsters made the transition from all dressing in those pinstripe suits with white ties and spats to dressing like they're auditioning to be the new "Doctor Who" or competing in a motocross rally. They must have all agreed, "We're tired of dressing like it's the 1930s, it's time to silly up our wardrobe!" But what does this have to do with how Mr. Potato Head has become so commercialized? And how come he doesn't bleed when you pull his eyes out? -- K. And why does he have only two eyes? He's a potato! A freakin' potato! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:36:15 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten > > Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition > > with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) > > If you have the stomach for it, try the "Dead or Alive" series of films > (nothing to do with the game.) *cough*cough* Young man, "Ichi The Killer" is one of my favorite films, so of course I can handle the slightly less perverse splatter in Miike's other movies, and besides, I'm not the sort of guy who can't "stomach" certain movies. (Are you? If so, I can write you a list of things you shouldn't rent.) I have the Kino Video box set of the "Dead Or Alive" trilogy. And most of the other Miike movies I can legally acquire, except "Andromedia", which everyone tells me is King Of Planet J-Pop-Lame-O. The "Dead Or Alive" discs are in the middle of the stack of stuff I hope get around to watching soon. (Sometimes it's hard to find the time to give a trilogy the proper attention, you know? Lately I've been acquiring Yakuza movies faster than I can watch 'em. I've sworn I'll get through my entire backlog before I get the six-disc set of "The Yakuza Papers".) On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing except that it's a mix of live-action and animation and has some really badass box art next to all the Japanese text I can't read. (At least on this release, there are at least two other DVD releases of it with less inspiring covers.) It's gotta be pretty weird, so I bought it without knowing anything about it other than the director's name. I don't generally go for anime, but the picture on the box was so weirdtastically slacktacular that I don't care if this is one of those minor Ishii films that nobody likes, any film where the box art screams "super-violent Japanese imitation '70s blaxploitation film plus a guy in a black leather motorcycle racing suit with fireman gloves and a silly yellow monster mask" has to have some redeeming value even if it just turns out to be something as ordinary as "Foxy Brown Vs. Ultraman". What game? -- K. By the way, if you're planning to re-enact the scene in "Ichi" with the hooks, don't use real fish hooks -- they're made of metal that's not bio-compatible -- shell out the big bucks for actual surgical stainless "skin hooks". They're $32 for 3 around here. It wouldn't be healthy for you to use cheap fish hooks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Party 7 (was: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 07:32:39 -0500 Earlier today, I wrote: > > On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 > (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing [...] Okay, I just watched it, and I still know nothing about what it's about, except that it gave me a serious concussion. It had some really funny scenes, it was weirder than fuck, and Captain Banana has the world's coolest airbed because his has a coelacanth nailed to it and mine doesn't. Oh, and also I learned a lot about how Japanese toilets work. The box art was a lie. It made the movie look cool in a weird way instead of weird in a cool way. This movie is 500% weird. I think I used up all the brain cells I had that were capable of saying "What the fuh?" and now I'm dead. "Party 7" contains no anime, except for the title sequence, but it does contain a revolving plastic heart, and many other abnormal surprises. Also the guy from "Shark Skin Man Peach Hip Girl" and "Ichi The Killer" has a bad haircut this time. Anyway, I recommend "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)" if you want to be confused into submission. -- K. "In this room, this is cool!" -- Captain Banana ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:55:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > Last night around 1:30 AM I found the shredded remains of part of > a leather jacket just off Divisadero St in San Francisco. That's nothing compared to the leather you could have found over on Folsom St. > I can only assume that Fonzie, in an attempt to time-travel from the > fake 1950s to the real 2000s, was torn to shreds as he attempted to > jump over a gravitic discontinuity on his motorcycle. You see, the San Jose Sharks aren't playing this year, so he had to jump over a gravitic blezmogobby instead of jumping a shark. But it's okay, Fonzie will re-coalesce periodically because he got sucked into a chrono-synclastic infundibulum which looks exactly like a big Spirograph doodle only invisible. He and his dog, Mr. Cool, will soon manifest themselves where you least expect it, possibly wearing San Jose Sharks hockey uniforms just to make it even more improbable. So how does your theory explain why the city doesn't seem to mind Market St. getting taken over by the crackheads? -- K. I miss the existence of professional hockey. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:44:40 -0500 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > How come nobody notices when I get it RIGHT? > > I've noticed each and every time you get it right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a zinger! And now, a message from Dolly Madison. "Help! The White House caught fire from my quiescently exothermic imitation Twinkies and it's burning down very, very slowly!" -- K. And now, a message from Little Billy and P.J. "Who burned down Dolly's White House? NOTME! Or maybe it was one of the 300 ghosts of dead grandparents that clutter every room here!" Do they still even publish "The Family Circus" or did it get cancelled when David Letterman stopped even insulting it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't taunt Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:11:33 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Don't taunt fun happy pussy cat. > > Or, if you do. Have blink reflexes that are quick enough. > > Ow. > > So I proceeded to taunt him more with my hands later in the day. And > now I have scratches all over my hands too. Well, that's what you get for being dumb enough to tease a poor helpless defenseless innocent little animal that can rip your face off if you try anything stupid. Leave the kitty alone. If you want to tease a lower form of life, there's still people posting to Usenet from WebTVs. -- K. Or, since there's no hockey this year, you could find out what Spartacat's up to and go challenge him to a fight. Be sure to wear a Leafs jersey he can shred. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things you can't bring to the Presidential inauguration Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 08:01:13 -0500 [www.uscapitolpolice.gov] -> -> Prohibited Items -> -> Firearms, weapons of any kind, ammunition (either real or -> simulated), explosives of any kind (including fireworks), knives, -> blades, or sharp objects (of any length), Do fingernails count? What's the legal definition of "sharp objects of any length"? Freud said the legal definition of "phallic" is "anything at least twice as long as it is wide" so maybe a sharp object is "anything of any length." -> aerosol sprays, coolers, thermal or glass containers, mace, ...even if it's just a trace quantity used to make a hot dog taste like a hot dog instead of a plain sausage? Trace mace is an essential ingredient in all the best pureed-scrap-meat weenies! -> pepper spray, sticks, poles, I can still go, my ancestry is from other parts of Europe. -> pocket or hand tools (such as a leatherman), Well fuck you too, I wasn't planning on going anyway. -> packages, backpacks, large bags, duffel bags, suitcases, -> laser pointers, posters, signs, placards (including supports -> structures), animals other than guide dogs or service dogs -> assisting handicapped individuals, strollers, chairs, -> umbrellas, Police prevent Penguin's perplexingly perfidious plot to peril the Presidential parade! -> alcoholic beverages, and any other items at the discretion -> of the security screeners that may pose a potential safety hazard. If these security screeners may pose a potential safety hazard, why do we even have them? -- K. I predict that within ten years, everyone attending any public event will have to show up naked and shaved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:08:36 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other > > and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other > > companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats > > Baby Bob [...] > > I'm pretty sure that Baby Bob is no longer voiced by the same guy -- > I don't think it's even supposed to be the same baby, just some talking > sarcastic baby. Nick, Nick, Nick. Of _course_ it's the same baby. Why would they go to all the expense to train a second baby to talk and to never age? Just in case you still don't believe me, this is the AdWeek article I read back when I was researching my initial report. [www.adweek.com] -> -> Talkative Baby Bob Is Back for Quiznos -> -> January 07, 2005 -> By Randi Schmelzer -> Los Angeles -> -> The first Quiznos advertising since its polarizing spongmonkeys -> spokescharacters went into hibernation last year launches this -> Sunday during ABC's Desperate Housewives, according to the -> restaurant chain's new lead agency, independent Siltanen & Partners. I had actually seen the commercial at least once before then (and no, I don't watch "Desperate Housewives") so apparently they were testing their new Bob Bomb in my area before taking him national to irritate 300,000,000 people. -> At the center of the campaign -- estimated to be worth as much -> as $60 million -- is Baby Bob, the diaper-wearing toddler with a -> 35-year-old wit the El Segundo, Calif.-based agency created -> in 1997 to drive traffic to a now-defunct Web site. The -> character soon became popular enough to warrant his own -> short-lived TV show. Gee, none of the Web sites I'm associated with are "now-defunct". Therefore, I deserve more than $60,000,000. Gimme money, gimme money! -> Bob has apparently not aged a day. In the first commercial, -> for Quiznos Real Deal sandwich line, Baby Bob talks about how -> much he would love to eat a Quiznos sandwich. Unfortunately, -> he has no teeth. And that's why the babies in "Baby Geniuses" were better than Baby Bob. Because the animators added teeth to their mouths in order to make them look more natural when they talked or bit people in the neck and drank their precious adult blood. -> "But when my molars grow in, I'm all over this stuff," -> paraphrased Rob Siltanen, creative director of the 25-person -> shop. Others behind the creation of Baby Bob include creative -> directors Joe Hemp and Rex Fish, animation company The -> Syndicate and production house Japanese Monster. Media is -> being handled by OMD. Other members of Baby Bob's entourage include his creative diaper-changer, his creative cue-card-holder, his creative gofer, and his creative best boy (who is actually a fetus, not a boy, and also, none of these people is in any way creative.) -> "Having a spokesperson [or baby] is a really smart move: -> He can talk directly about [the] product, to showcase and -> romanticize the food," Siltanen said. Romanticize? Eww. "HEY MAW! COME LOOK AT THUH TEE-VEE! THAT BABY MAKES THAT SAMMWICH LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO FUCK!" -> "I always felt like with the right client, the right business plan, -> [Bob] would be awesome." "And then, once the commercials flop, Quizno's will have an easy way to dispose of him during their sale on baby veal torpedoes." HAVE I GONE TOO FAR? Oh, fuck you, it's only Quizno's. And I don't even care whether they don't like me putting an apostrophe in their name. I did it to McDonald's, I'm doin' it to Quizno's. -- K. Ronald McDonald can kiss my talking ass. And by the way, Nick, what were you saying about challenging the accuracy of my fact-based reporting on TV commercials? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:39:40 -0500 And, yo, Nick Bensema, here's a new article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer about Baby Bob. You know it's gotta be a smart newspaper with a name like "Intelligencer". It's the newspaper that intelligences you up! [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Monday, January 17, 2005 -> -> The Insider: Baby Bob lands on his feet with Quiznos gig Babies always land on their feet, no matter how far they fall. That's why talking babies always survive that plunge into the Under-Inferno, the subject of that lost fourth volume of Dante about what happens to talking babies, who are even worse than unbaptized babies and the Popes who fathered them. Hey, if Dante was so smart about which Popes went to which level of Hell, how come his books never mentioned where Pope Ye went? He was clearly evil, always punching people hard enough to make them go flying into outer space, snorting spinach through his crack pipe, and screwing boneless, anorexic women. -> THE BABY THAT NEVER AGES: He's back. Baby Bob -- who got -> his start as the infant spokestot for Federal Way's -> Freeinternet.com and later went on to star in his own CBS -> sitcom -- is now hawking submarine sandwiches for Quiznos. And when they say "hawking", then mean he makes a lot of noise as he spits a glob of mucus onto each one. -> The character of Baby Bob -- described by Quiznos as a -> 40-year-old man trapped in a baby's body -- was originally -> based on Freeinternet.com founder Bob McCausland. ...who had the mind of a baby trapped in a 40-year-old-man's body. -> When the free Internet service provider flopped in October 2000, -> Baby Bob miraculously landed his own short-lived CBS comedy. Sadly, it wasn't even as funny as the former company's hilariously 'tarded revenue model. -> Now, the infant with the deep voice and supposed "140 IQ" has -> resurrected his career again. This time it's with Quiznos, -> which is using the cuddly infant -- who can't eat solid foods -- -> to make a point about its new line of toasted sandwiches. Hey, wait. If a child has a 140 IQ, that means he's as smart as someone 140% his own age, which means he actually has the brain of a seventeen-month-old in a twelve-month-old's body. He can't yet be smart enough to understand that Quizno's food is yummy, in fact, he's not even smart enough to understand that Quizno's food _isn't_ yummy. -> In one television advertisement, Bob sits in a director's -> chair and tells the story of how he craved a turkey sub that -> his mom ordered from Quiznos. -> -> "You know what she gave me: stringed peas. I love the gal, -> but that's just wrong," he says. Mmm! Stringed peas! The musical legume! The more you eat, the more you KABOOM! I'm gonna go right over to Quiznos and demand some stringed peas. -> The campaign, which debuted last week on "Desperate -> Housewives" and "24," will run through 2005, Quiznos -> spokeswoman Stacie Lange said. I still say I don't see why it's so hard to catch those terrorists if they're not smart enough to realize they could just give all their bombs 25-hour timers and then they'd explode after the Counter-Terrorism Unit got disbanded when the show got cancelled because nothing happened all year. -- K. I'm waiting for a show called "140", where every week Baby Bob would get one IQ point smarter until at the end he'd actually have a 140 IQ and he'd say, "Hey! I just realized! I'm a fucking stupid idea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Comrades! Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:24:07 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I occasionally see "CCCP" and Soviet-like vintage T-shirts at Urban > Outfitters, between the Atari and Japanese Coca-Cola T-shirts. > > How come communism is kitsch, while swastikas and Confederate flags > are enduring symbols of hate? Because when the United States beat the Soviet Union during World War III, we purchased all rights to their intellectual property. "CCCP" now stands for "Columbia Capitalist Commerce Partners" and the hammer and sickle are the logo of that new version of McDonalds that serves nothing but borscht. The swastika and Confederate flag are still under copyright by their original owners, because the law says copyright lasts until 50 years after their creator died, and Walt Disney's only been dead since 1966. > Maybe communism is kitsch because that's what they WANT us to think. So Hello Kitty is really a Commie? If so, then how come she doesn't have a cute little symmetrical port wine stain on her face somewhere above where her eyebrows would be (not down near where her mouth would be)? Say what you will about the evils of Communism, but at least the Soviets did not discriminate against political leaders who had horrible, gross deformities which would have landed them in an Asylum For The Terminally Funny-Looking had they been born in the United States. Gorbachev had that blotch, Brezhnev had those eyebrows, and so on. Americans are so shallow that they could never elect a President who had any sort of physical handicap. I bet the USA has never elected a President who uses a wheelchair, let alone for four terms. -- K. Kennedy also used one during his last year in office, but that was only because he was practicing for that phony assassination attempt that went wrong when the crappy Manlicher-Carcano rifle actually hit him. Kennedy was just supposed to pretend Oswald had crippled him so that everyone would love him, just like lovable Larry Flynt, and nobody would know he had actually been crippled by the world's worst case of crabs, which he got from Marilyn Monroe, who got them from Larry Flynt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 01:45:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > Looks like Queer Eye for the "Straight" Flea Market Vendor is working, > then. Cue Joe Rogan saying, "What's 'the booth'? Oh, I thought it was a new thing," and then making out with Andy Dick and Dave Foley on top of Lots42's fancy little card table while Stephen Root takes Polaroids. Then cut to that commercial where Lots42 wakes up in bed with Burger King and for breakfast they both drink orange juice with Popeye and get married to Bugs Bunny. Next up, an episode of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" where Conan says that he's gay, says that Max is gay, says that Joel is gay, and says that Lots42 is still straight. His guests are the Fab Five from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", who discuss how to gussy up your fabulous little flea market booth to sell more of those ceramic kitties glued to doilies. One of the kitties could wear a kitschy little pirate hat! -- K. I'm having really hot chili tonight. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 02:15:23 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > See, optical illusions can lead to real-world effects. But the "real" world _is_ an optical illusion! Those of you who divide what you see up into "real" and "illusion" are such elitist snobs. Give up! Admit it's all fake! You're not sitting in a chair in a house! You just think you are, in reality it's just you and Doug Henning sitting inside a big black limbo set, horribly deviating from the script of "Our Town"! > > Also, the gay guy was rude and crude today. > > Oh, that was just another optical illusion. He just seemed rude and > crude because he was wearing diagonal stripes. I was just thinking about the emotional effect of colors and patterns (I was watching a Seijun Suzuki movie, and of course those sort of musings come naturally to you if you've ever worked as a graphic designer and expose yourself to Suzuki films -- this was the one where the nightclub had the telephones that were white on one side and black on the other) and I had the idea that painting the walls with yellow and black diagonal "hazard" stripes would be the idea look for a torture chamber, because you wouldn't be able to even just sit still in it without feeling nauseous. (And if you moved your head at all, whammo, instant vertigo.) But then I thought that if I were ever in a room like that it wouldn't work on me because I'd start talking about Network 23's exciting slate of programming including Mexican scumball championships and the big upcoming raking tournament right after this blipvert for Zi-Zi-ZikZak. -- K. Dave, I've got a whole set of china in here! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:02:04 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > And thus this work-at-home course in Economics 205 concludes with an, er, > passing grade. They don't call it "Home Economics" any more because that freaks out the male students who don't know what they're getting into. So now they just call it "Housewifery". Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed because you have to pretend it's a baby, and then the next week you learn to make delicious yellow cake to use up your baby? The year after I went through junior high, they decided all the boys had to take two units of shop and two of Home Ec, but I was in the lucky olden days when boys got to take four semesters of shop. Wood, metal, plastics, photography, printing, and making an electric buzzer were all covered, and then when I got to high school, I elected for the most manly shop of all, drafting (those huge T-squares are the ultimate medieval weapon.) To this day, I have still never baked even the most rudimentary cake, though I make a mean curry. > > Also, the gay guy was rude and crude today. > > It's called 'bitchiness' when gay guys do it, you know. He's just > upset that you (and possibly yer mom, you didn't say) out-prettied him. > Give him a couple of decorating tips and he'll recover. Or at least > get his bar back over halfway full. What's a "bar back"? Is that when someone like Lots has little diamond- shaped marks on their back from being held down on the pool table? -- K. And what a "decorating tip"? Is that one of those French ticklers for a cookie gun? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:03:20 -0500 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry > > an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed > > Yes. > > But it turns out there were brain parasites in the eggs and I got brainwashed > into helping to try and free and a monster from underneath the school. Well, that's only sort of gay. There must be more that you're not telling us. -- K. So what was the monster into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the birdies are singing what I want to sing Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:11:12 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Still no snow here. But it got down to 13 last night (that's ten below > zero C, or minus one Kevin), What's that on the Sulu scale? And can _your_ phaser fire three separate beams in different directions at the same time to make three different red light bulbs inside three different Styrofoam rocks light up? > and I found out today when I went to do my laundry (I have CLEAN UNDERWEAR > again, FEAR ME!) Okay, so we'll fear you for the next five minutes, until you rejoin the Keebler Fudge Stripe club, silly elf. > that my _fabric softener_ had frozen! And had your fabric freezener softened? > Not solid, but more like blue Dairy-Queen extrudable ice-softener-cream. > Never had that happen before. Then you haven't been going to Dairy Queen often enough. Try their new chlorinated Razzleblorox which mixes three types of berry juice with enough bleach to get it out of anything you spill it on. > And since it was both blue, and in a state of matter it ougnt not to > have been, I felt I had to share it with y'all'uns. I noticed that the "gourmet" ice cream companies like Haagen Dazs are now making intentionally runny semi-liquid ice creams that they call "mousse", "pudding-style", "creme brulee", etc. They're basically McDonalds milkshakes at four times the price. But at least you don't have to worry about them ever changing consistency if you get them too warm or cold -- they're perma-slurried. -- K. Mmm, slurriffic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 03:04:22 -0500 [www9.sbs.com.au] -> -> POOPY FLAG-STANDS BAFFLE POLICE -> 14.1.2005. 11:30:52 -> -> A yearlong search to find who is responsible for sticking -> small American flags into piles of dog droppings in public -> parks in Germany has so far been fruitless. Now you're just giving them ideas. They're going to start sticking flags into fruit, or sticking fruit into poop. -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl, parks -> administrator in Bayreuth, southern Germany. What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? He's German! He should be counting them, marking them on a giant map, categorizing and numbering all of them! -> The sporadic series of incidents was originally thought to be -> a protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. When it -> continued it was thought to be a protest against President -> George W Bush's campaign for re-election. -> -> Bayreuth police say they are completely baffled. It's rare to hear of a protest designed to completely baffle the authorities actually completely baffling the authorities. Bravo, you magnificent bastards! -> "We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is -> doing this in the act," said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. In Germany, there is no more heinous crime than confusing the authorities! -> But he offered no suggestions as to what the offender would -> be charged with if caught. "Poopflagging" isn't a crime, because it isn't even a word... yet. -> Legal experts said there was no law against using faeces as a -> flag stand and the federal constitution was vague on the issue. Dear Germany, please tell your legal experts to stop worrying about which parts of the German constitution specify the standards for displaying American flags. We don't try to keep your flag out of our poop, so don't go worrying about our flag. Our flag can take care of itself. You know what would be even better? Sticking flags of imaginary countries into poop. That would really confuse the German police, especially if you did it in Germany. -- K. I'm really surprised the German constitution doesn't mention poop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 17:57:19 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must > > -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly > > -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl > > > > What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator > > can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? > > That's a lot of flags. Either someone got their hands on some leftover > freebies or they're spending a lot of money to be only moderately funny. I think that's what makes it funny. Nobody could possibly want to spend so much money on a completely pointless prank, and yet they did, and such a contradiction which vexes as it amuses. It reminds me of the time I hired Martin Landau to make that extra-stupid episode of "Space: 1999" which I then snuck into Gerry Anderson's vault and nobody realizes that there's this one fake episode on the "Space: 1999" DVDs because obviously nobody would ever spend fifteen million dollars just to confuse "Space: 1999" fans, if any. > Can't they just find an outlet for those specific kinds of American > flags and find out who's been ordering them by the case? I was assuming they were just laser-printing hundreds of little business-card size rectangles of paper and taping them to swizzle sticks. That's the way I did it when I... but I have said enough. I mean, Ich habe genug gesagt. I mean, I have said enough! I KNOW NOTHINK! -- K. I need to print up hundreds of little Kibonia flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More slathering with Vaseline in the news Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:23:49 -0500 Remember the guy who kept coating the insides of hotel rooms with Vaseline? Here's _this_ month's slimy Vaseline fetishist. [www.pottsmerc.com] -> -> Man sentenced for open lewdness -> -> Carl Hessler Jr., chessler@pottsmerc.com -> 01/19/2005 -> -> NORRISTOWN -- A 40-year-old Lansdale man has admitted -> engaging in a lewd act while watching girls play soccer near -> a local elementary school. -> -> [...] -> -> When police arrived at the scene they discovered Cassell, who -> gave police a false name, sitting in his vehicle. [...] -> -> "He was very nervous, wearing loose fitting shorts with no -> other clothing, and he had a tremendous amount of Vaseline -> covering his entire body and the interior of his vehicle," -> Lansdale police officer George Johnson wrote in the criminal -> complaint. "You see, officer, it's that urban legend come horribly true. I was driving home from work in my tanker truck full of Vaseline, and my wife planned to surprise me with this new Cadillac convertible, but I thought she was cheating on me, so I filled the car with Vaseline, and now I'm driving it over to the car wash to pay five bucks to have them get it completely clean." (I was going to make a "Babylon 5" reference here, but I didn't think it could possibly be worth it.) -> Inside Cassell's vehicle, police found pornographic -> magazines, sex toys, women's garter bands and leggings, and -> a jar of Vaseline, according to the arrest affidavit. How come these pervs never buy the version that comes in the squeeze tube? The tube's more fun to use, and easier to hide in your sock when you go to the public library. -> When Cassell was arrested and searched, police discovered he -> was wearing a pair of women's thong underwear under his -> shorts, according to court documents. When questioned by -> police, he admitted to having a problem masturbating in -> public places, according to court documents. Maybe tinted windows would make it easier. And wait a minute! Officer Johnson's criminal report said "loose fitting shorts with no other clothing"! So he couldn't have been wearing lacy under-undies under the manly over-undies! Oh, Johnson's going to get in trouble for screwing up his report so that they can't prosecute the guy wearing the contradictory underpanties. -> According to state law, by pleading guilty to the charge of -> open lewdness, Cassell admitted that he committed a lewd act, -> which he knew was likely to be observed by others who would -> be affronted or alarmed. Ah, I always love the sentence at the very bottom of the inverted pyramid. "Lewd acts are acts which are lewd, and are generally considered naughty, and sometimes lewd." -- K. Sentences are series of words which fill up space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up tomorrow, don't worry, it was not unexpected. Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:45:50 -0500 Uh oh. Panic grips Boston yet again over some sort of vague, bogus terrorist threat somewhere in... Mexico? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Boston terror threat probed -> -> By Tom Farmer and Michele McPhee -> -> Wednesday, January 19, 2005 -> -> Federal and state authorities are investigating a nuclear -> terrorist threat against Boston after a man calling from -> Mexico told California police that he smuggled two Iraqis and -> four Chinese over the border, the Boston Herald has learned. Would this be the border between Boston and Mexico or the border between Boston and China? -> ``They got a call from across the border in Mexico to the -> California Highway Patrol and he said he brought two Iraqis -> and four Chinese (individuals) across the border and -> according to him, they stated soon to follow behind them -> would be some sort of material,'' said a law enforcement -> source familiar with the investigation. OH NO! IT MIGHT BE SMELLY CORDUROY!!! -> ``He refers to some sort of nuclear material that will follow -> them through New York up into Boston.'' "It will be in the form of a giant robotic puppy that can follow people for thousands of miles before it explodes." -> According to the source, the caller has not identified -> himself and did not show up for a meeting with federal -> investigators in California but he did leave pictures of -> four Chinese men and some names at a ``drop'' site at the -> Mexico-California border. -> -> ``They were dropped by the source at a location. He literally -> threw them over a fence from Mexico to the U.S. side,'' said -> the source. ``There are pictures of the four Chinese and some -> names but just how accurate they are remains a question'' "For instance, we don't think any of the guys really has a big crayon speech-balloon hovering over their head saying 'I am a booger-face.' Fortunately, the person who retouched these photos used an American-made crayon, and all American-made crayons leave tiny microscopic serial numbers in everything they write, so we can make a really awesome 'CSI' episode out of this." -> Massachusetts law enforcement officials were notified of the -> threat at 5:30 a.m. today through the FBI and Boston Police -> Joint Terrorist Task Force. -> -> The threat was serious enough that Mayor Menino ordered the -> Fire Commissioner and the state's Homeland Security Chief -> into his office at City Hall, where they met with officials -> from the CIA, FBI, and Homeland Security Immigration and -> Customs Enforcement agency, a high-ranking city official told -> the Herald. However, the meeting got sidetracked when they spent three hours trying to figure out if there was a way they could turn City Hall right-side-up. (It's one silly-looking building.) -> ``They are desperately trying to piece it together,'' said -> the offial, who added that if the threat is real it is ``very -> scary.'' Then the offial typed the information into his offog. -> A company that trains explosive-sniffing dogs said it was -> alerted that the canines would be searching for a ``dirty -> bomb,'' a New York City law enforcement official said -> yesterday. It's great that they've now got dogs that can sniff out radioactive material. I wonder whether they smell the gamma rays or just the neutrons? -> The Massachusetts investigator said much of the man's -> information sounds far-fetched and investigators have some -> doubts about the caller's validity because he has not -> identified himself. -> -> ``A lot of it doesn't make sense and some of it does,'' said -> the source. ``It's totally uncorroborated. This all began -> several days ago as a series of phone calls and they don't -> know who the caller is. There are some parts of it that just -> don't make sense and other little pieces of it that fall into -> place. The information is these people that came into the -> country are going to New York into Boston and the (nuclear) -> material will follow them.'' Uh oh. One of the elevators in my apartment building was reserved for moving late last night. I wonder whether a terrorist was moving in or moving out. -> The source said there is speculation the caller may have been -> ripped off by illegal immigrants he helped over the border -> and is now trying to exact revenge. When someone wrongs me, I prefer inexact, scattershot revenge. It's just easier, and more fun. -> ``It's very weird. Even if (the Iraqis and Chinese) were -> going to do something why would they be blabbing to the yahoo -> smuggling them across the border? You have to wonder if they -> screwed him on a deal but you have to treat it seriously and -> the issue is how do you put it out to the public and not get -> everybody (in a panic)?'' "Blabbing to the yahoo" is what we now call "blogging". -> The source said the information will soon ``come out over -> police channels and BOLOs (be on the lookout).'' -> -> The source added the FBI office in San Diego is leading the -> investigation. ``The FBI in San Diego is the originating -> office so they are driving the investigation. The FBI in -> Boston is in a tough position because they are waiting for -> information'' "Also they're going to get blown up when the dirty bomb goes off, so we're relying on the agents on the other coast to figure out what happened." -> The caller has not given investigators any means to contact him. -> -> ``They tried to set up a meet with him but he didn't show up.'' Yeah, whatever. -- K. Dan Rather is talking about this on my TV _right_now_, so you know it must be important. Whoops, now he's talking about something else, so it's no longer important. And that's the way it is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The city of Fort Wayne, Indiana, is the world's biggest idiot! Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 19:11:10 -0500 [www.usatoday.com] -> -> Looking for signs of intelligent life in Fort Wayne -> -> By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY -> -> FORT WAYNE, Ind. -- Landing at Fort Wayne International -> Airport, you don't sense anything is amiss. In fact, it's all -> quite pleasant. You can't fool me! I know that John Wayne's airport is right next door to LAX, which is in Lox Angelex, and therefore John Wayne International must be in international waters off the coast of Lox Angelex! Wait, why am I pretending to be stupid? I've never even been to Indiana, let alone pretended to have been there! -> Grandmotherly types hand out sugar cookies to arriving -> visitors. The Avis clerk is downright friendly and efficient. It's like a horrible "Twilight Zone" episode! -> And driving into town, you pass golf courses and garden -> apartments, high schools and one of the locals' favorites, -> the Oyster Bar. Okay, now it's more like that "NewsRadio" episode where Phil Hartman gets stranded in St. Louis and because everyone is being constantly nice to him, he takes advantage of them until they beat him up. So I wonder what would happen if we put Fort Wayne and St. Louis in a big room together and let them be nice to each other until they snapped and tried to kill each other. Phil Hartman and Rod Serling could be the commentators! -> But once you arrive downtown, you start looking at the -> natives with a keener eye. Are they really as dumb as people -> say? Hard to tell, although the hockey team is called the -> Komets. Yes, with a K. Fort Wayne can't be that dumb if they like hockey. Truly dumb cities are riveted by spectator sports involving rolling a golf ball towards bowling pins. (One of the TV stations in Derry, New Hampshire keeps showing that. They call it "candlepin".) -> This heartland city of 255,000 has been dubbed the dumbest -> town in all the land by Men's Health magazine. It came in -> dead last, losing out at the bottom of the heap to the likes -> of Laredo, Texas. Not to be confused with the second-fattest city in the country -- Lardo, Texas. -> The survey is the talk of the town, or at least among those who -> read, and there appear to be thousands. More on them in a bit. I'm bored. Do something else. Give me candy. -> A front-page column in the Fort Wayne News-Sentinel last week -> came with the bold, all-caps headline: SO THEY SAY WE'RE NOT -> THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE BOX ... WHAT DO THEY KNOW? In a smart city, they would have taken the bulbs out of the box before screwing them in. -> Columnist Kevin Leininger suggested it was basically "an evil -> Liberal Media Conspiracy." He pointed out that eight of the -> 10 smartest cities were in blue states, and eight of the -> dumbest were in red states. He says it's not a coincidence -> that "a certain amount of cultural elitism was at work here." And then I pointed out that anyone actually intelligent never uses the phrases "red states" or "blue states" in conversation. -> Though it would be understandable if Fort Wayne residents -> were seeing red these days, most are taking their newfound -> reputation for stupidity in stride. ...just not while chewing gum. -> "I always thought we were the fattest, not the dumbest," says -> Angela Jurczak, 26, a junior at IPFW (Indiana University- -> Purdue University at Fort Wayne). Wait, that's not how you spell "IPFREELY"! Now spell the word "IMAGE" and say "LIGHT BULB". -> The elementary education major says it's hard to believe her -> hometown came in dead last in the smarts department. "I would -> have guessed we're at least a C. Not an F. That's kind of sad." -> -> Sad, yes, but many residents also say it's dead wrong and -> question how the magazine came up with its findings. But men's magazinologists cannot be wrong! Why would "Men's Health" have so many advertisements selling exercise weights if the magazine's readership didn't have a shortage of dumbbells? -> "In each case, we try to gather enough statistics from good -> sources to get what we think is an accurate snapshot," says -> Matt Marion, who oversees the monthly "MetroGrades" page for -> Men's Health. "We feel pretty confident." -> -> Marion even offers a little advice. "If any of this resonates -> ... look inward to see what you can do to make yourself better." "Find a way to make yourself smarter without cancelling your subscription to our vapid magazine aimed at heterosexual men who like to look at pictures of men's shaved chests." -> Dan O'Connell of the Fort Wayne/Allen County Convention and -> Visitors Bureau concedes that Fort Wayne is "sort of a -> vanilla city" Vanilla is the stupidest third of Neapolitan ice cream! That's why Einstein always bought three boxes at a time and only ate the chocolate part of each. -> but says he was "floored" by the study. He cites the museums -> and universities that call Fort Wayne home. "We're spending -> $40-million-plus ($64 million, actually) on a new library. -> That says something about our citizens. We're building a -> library, not a stadium." Hey, maybe Boston should build Fenway Park's replacement in Fort Wayne so as to not interrupt the continued intellectual greatness we've had since we built Fenway Park 500 years ago. -> Jeff Krull agrees. As head of the Allen County Public library -> since 1986, he is overseeing the expansion, which will house -> 2.6 million volumes, more than three times the national -> average for a city its size. Fort Wayne long has been known -> for its library system, including a genealogy section that -> rivals that of the Mormons in Salt Lake City. -> -> "We're the largest public genealogical collection in the -> nation," says Krull, a Williams College grad. "I also have this big five-bladed ninja star I got by sticking my hand into some backlit raspberry jelly so that I can defend myself against all those fake Darth Vaders," he continued, while the younger generation puzzled over an obscure movie reference to the first film where Liam Neeson played a pony-tailed swordsman named Qui-Gon, not the later one that had Jar Jar. -> Last year, he adds, 2 million people used the library, -> borrowing 5 million books. And that was with two of the 13 -> branches closed. Okay, I admit it, Fort Wayne did something smart when they Saklad-proofed two of their library branches. -> Judy Zehner of Fort Wayne's Science Central, an impressive -> hands-on children's museum, wasn't as politic as Krull and -> asked questions left and right about the survey. -> -> "I mean, how many cities do have one?" she asks, referring to -> the survey's Nobel Prize-winner criterion. "You're getting my -> dander up, I'll tell you that!" SOUND THE DANDER ALERT! -> [...] -> -> But Gerry Prokopowicz, who served as Lincoln Scholar for nine -> years at Fort Wayne's Lincoln Museum, says more needs to be -> done to get the city out of the dunce corner. "Some people in -> Fort Wayne are aware that the steady diminishment of its -> intellectual capital is directly connected to the town's -> stagnant economy and are trying to do something about it," -> says Prokopowicz, who teaches history at East Carolina -> University in Greenville, N.C. "Unfortunately, they face a -> strong current of anti-intellectualism mixed with complacency -> and ignorance that characterizes much of the local business -> leadership." Wait, anti-intellectualism isn't a current! It's more of a miasma! And it's not mixed with complacency and ignorance, they're gently swirled together to create a delicious, creamy anti-intellectual miasma that quiescently makes Fort Wayne dumber while it sleeps! -> [...] -> -> When John Scheele, the affable owner and short-order cook, -> announces a reporter is in their midst looking for -> intelligent life in Fort Wayne, Stephen Hinkle, president of -> the local Easter Seals organization, pipes up immediately. -> "That's an oxymoron!" (He then points out that "oxymoron" is -> a pretty big word for such a stupid city.) Why is "Easter Seals" supposed to be an oxymoron? Oh, wait, I get it -- Easter _bunny_. What's the name of that other holiday where you always have to have the trained seals jumping through flaming hoops so you won't go to Hell? -> "A lot of people here play dumb," says Darrell Jaggers, -> president of the Salin Bank and Trust Company. "He's like the -> farmer who says he doesn't know anything when the city -> slicker shows up. It's a quiet kind of thing." I'd just like to point out that I don't normally read USA Today. But there aren't any other newspapers I can turn to to learn whether I live in a stupid place or not. USA Today is the official source for stupidity news. Hey cool, my picture's not in the paper today! -> [...] -> -> Russ Choka, 81, owner of the Coney Island hot dog shop -> ("Our Buns are Steamed"), is more circumspect. -> -> "What do you expect me to say?" he asks. "I've traveled all -> around the world, and nothing tops (Fort Wayne). They may be -> bigger but not better. Why do people always come back here to -> die if it's so bad, if we're so dumb?" -> -> He pauses, then wonders: "I don't sound stupid, do I?" Russ, you really don't have to pour on the sarcasm so heavily to troll the reporter. He's just a reporter for USA Today, not the Laserbrain Smartsy Q. Brainiac Gazette. Hey, want to buy a subscription to that one? Only ten dollars a week, or five hundred dollars for a full year (twelve issues.) And now, the facts: -> Smartest and dumbest cities, according to Men's Health: -> -> Smartest -> -> 1. Minneapolis -> 2. Boston -> 3. Denver -> 4. St. Paul -> 5. Seattle Wait, St. Paul isn't a real city. It's a suburb of Minneapolis. If it's on the list, then Cambridge had better be counted as separate from Boston, too. (Cambridge is almost as smart, because it has MIT and Harvard, while Boston has me.) -> Dumbest -> -> 1. Fort Wayne, Ind. -> 2. Corpus Christi, Texas -> 3. Laredo, Texas -> 4. Las Vegas -> 5. Newark Gee, what's stupid about Las Vegas? -- K. And what state is it in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: This really works! Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 01:24:33 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I have been reading Kibo's posts with Conan O'Brien's voice in my head, > it seems to fit really well. The most appropriate voice for Kibo would be: (a) Brian Blessed in "Flash Gordon" (b) Fonzie (c) Orson from "Mork & Mindy" (d) Travis Bickle (e) Rupert Pupkin doing an imitation of Travis Bickle (f) Rupert Bickle as Travis Pupkin in "Flash Gordon" Stop. Put your pencils down. Do not turn the page until instructed to do so. Fold your hands and quietly fantasize about Kibo. > Yes, I did have a couple of drinks before... Before what? Before wetting yourself and passing out in your TV dinner? If so, TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Eww! Stop telling us you peed yourself! -- K. You tellin' me you peed yourself? You tellin' ME you peed yourself? I don't see anyone else here, so you must be tellin' ME! Now kill moose and squirrel! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Manly 1970s Kung Fu movies Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 01:30:32 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > I ordered these last night: > > The Five Venoms > > One-Armed Boxer vs. The Flying Guillotine > > The Chinese Boxer > > Crippled Avengers > > > > Which order should I watch them in? > > I think I've seen "the crippled avengers", if it's the one with the guy > with no legs, the blind guy, the deaf guy, and the insane guy versus the > guy with no hands. and if "the five venoms" is the same as "five deadly > venoms", I've seen that one, too > > so watch "crippled avengers" first, because it's comedic, then "five deadly > venoms", because it's probably the best kung fu movie EVAH. > > and who cares about the rest of 'em. "Five Deadly Venoms" is my third favorite Shaw brothers film, after "Inframan" and "Blade Runner". It's also the only film I've ever seen where someone is murdered with a wet paper towel. (Should've been titled "Mutiny With The Bounty". Bounty, the quicker fucker-upper!) Also, more films should have iron maidens. Especially if Robin Williams is in them. "Oh, shazbot, this is pointy!" -- K. I don't know much about martial arts movies, but I can say that the live- action "Dragonball" movie is not one of the better ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What could be happier than a happy, happy slap? Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 18:43:25 -0500 [news.scotsman.com] -> -> Schools Ban Camera Phones Amid 'Happy Slapping' Craze -> -> By Tim Ross, PA Education Correspondent -> -> Head teachers have banned children from using video phones to -> stop them slapping other pupils in the face and recording the -> attacks on their mobiles. -> -> The violent new craze among teenagers -- dubbed "happy slapping" -- -> has been plaguing commuters on trains and buses in London. I would never slap a stranger on the subway. However, any young British punks visiting Boston are welcome to see what happens if they shove their phone in my face, with or without slapping me. -> Now schools have been forced to take action to stop the -> violence spreading into playground bullying. -> -> London's Evening Standard reported that teachers at Crofton -> School in Lewisham, south London, had confiscated mobile -> phones after pupils were caught recording the attacks. So... now the kids will still be slapping each other, but now there won't be any evidence. Gee, problem fucking solved. -> A number of other schools are thought to have taken similar -> action. That's good journalism! <-- That's easy sarcasm! <-- That's obvious! I heard that someone is thought to have alleged that someone may or may not have thought something about nougat. Possibly that it may or may not exist. -> A spokesman for Lewisham Council said: "Schools take the -> misuse of mobile and video phones by young people very -> seriously. -> -> "This is a London-wide problem. Lewisham Council is actively -> supporting its schools and the police, who have alerted -> parents to the issue and will investigate any potentially -> criminal material. -> -> "Head teachers in the borough have taken swift and effective -> action to deal with the problem." And the stern headmasters of London will beat, cane, whip, flog, and flay the students until they get it into their heads that violence is wrong under all circumstances unless you're wearing a black robe and/or dressed like a Brigadier and/or the Queen. You know, the "Harry Potter" films would be a lot more realistic if they didn't take out all the scenes where the teachers beat the crap out of Harry for being too precious. 'Cause no actual British school -- magickal or mundayne -- would allow that sensitive lad to graduate without being toughened up until he's suitable to be a drunken rugby fan. -> The craze has involved groups of teenagers slapping strangers -> in the face while filming their reactions on mobile phones. Help, help! This newspaper article has trapped me in an endless loop! Please kill me before it starts over again! I don't want to read the Scotsman forever, at least open up a wormhole into the Boston Herald! (They have a funnier police blotter.) -> The gangs have targeted people on trains, the Underground and -> buses in the capital. -> -> Superintendent Mark Newton, of British Transport Police, -> said: "It is a cowardly form of attack -- childish but also -> criminal. -> -> "These people who think it is all a bit of a jape could end -> up in jail." Whereas if it's a bit of a grape, you could go to gaol. Remember: Jape is to jail as grape is to gaol. Also, happy is to slapping as BLANK is to a cavity search. (I'm tempted to quote Benny Hill's joke about the bird who yelled "Grape! Grape!" but it's hardly worth it. However, it might be funny to walk up to a stranger on the subway and tell them a Benny Hill joke and then photograph the look of mild boredom on their face.) -- K. (Cue Monty Python's "Fish Slapping Dance" and then cut to Harry Potter burning in Hell) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What could be happier than a happy, happy slap? Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 19:00:23 -0500 I recently wrote: > > Help, help! This newspaper article has trapped me in an endless > loop! Please kill me before it starts over again! I don't want > to read the Scotsman forever, at least open up a wormhole into > the Boston Herald! (They have a funnier police blotter.) Well, because 58,729,547,192,475,859,000,000,0000,00000,0000003 of you wrote to me demanding proof, here's an entry from today's police blotter. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Demon struck out -> By Michele McPhee -> Wednesday, January 19, 2005 -> -> East Boston -> -> Beware of the little green men, and yellow demons. -> -> A 51-year-old man walked into District 7 around 2 p.m. Monday -> telling cops that there was something wrong in his apartment, -> namely a ``one-inch yellow demon hiding in the heating grate'' -> of his Border Street bathroom. -> -> To make matters worse, the demon looked like ``SpongeBob -> SquarePants'' and when the man tried to ``melt him on the -> heater,'' the monster laughed, then responded, ``Eat me!'' -> -> The whole time, the demon was humming the theme song to -> ``Jaws'', the terrified and disheveled man told police. -> -> Cops tried to cajole him into an ambulance to be evaluated by -> doctors, but the man refused to go unless police ``exorcised -> the demon from his home.'' -> -> Police convinced him that they had blessed all of Border Street, -> then transported him to Massachusetts General Hospital -> for evaluation. Absorbent and yellow and porous is he -- I knew that SpongeBob SquarePants was gay-vague, but I didn't know he was demonic. Still, it's good to know that even in today's sick, sad world, crazy people still trust the police. Me, I woulda called Ghostbusters. Except then Danny Aykroyd would visualize the most harmless thing he could, a Rice Krispies square, and then a five-hundred-foot-tall Rice Krispies square with SpongeBob's face would go around stomping on buildings and they'd have to cross the streams to blow it up and there would be Rice Krispies everywhere and we'd all go deaf from the constant snapping, crackling, and popping. -- K. They keep adding new colors to Lucky Charms, Trix, and Froot Loops. So when are they going to add new onomatopoeia to Rice Krispies? I want them to go "Zowie!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What could be happier than a happy, happy slap? Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 02:30:52 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They keep adding new colors to Lucky Charms, Trix, and Froot Loops. > > So when are they going to add new onomatopoeia to Rice Krispies? > > Truth in advertising laws having been strengthened somewhat in the > decades since the introduction of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, I think > about the best one could now hope for is Halfhearted Barely Audible > Soggy Clicking Noise. But will it be personified by yet another elf with a poofy hat and a kicky bandana? Or will it just be Ezio Greggio sitting around in a T-shirt with "Halfhearted Barely Audible Soggy Clicking Noise" written on it in crayon? Yesterday my chicken nuggets were making a weird rhythmic tweeting as they baked. I've heard food whistling before as it cooks, but there was some sort of naturally-occurring oscillating valve apparatus inside one of the extruded, processed chicken globs, because the one that was whistling was going "TweeTweeTweeeeet! TweeTweeTweeeeeeet! TweeTweeTweeeeeet!" It was the cleverest sound I've ever heard a chicken wad make. I expect that within a year, chicken nuggets will discover the ta-ta-tee-tee-ta rhythm that will be most effective for mesmerizing humans. You'll have your choice of Perdue TaTaTeeTeeTa Nuggets or Tyson RentedATentATentATent nuggets. On the other hand, today the door to my apartment's balcony is making really loud farting noises. Normally it's silent, but the current blizzard's high winds are directed right at it, and somehow the winds are squeezing through the doorframe to make a "BRRRRRAAAAAAPPPP" noise at about a hundred and twenty decibels. I decided to open the door momentarily to see if there was any way I could reclose it to shut it up, but the moment I unlatched it a wall of flying sleet shoved it open and smacked me in the face, so I think there's nothing to be done. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cook dinner now so that it will stop talking to me before I try to watch another DVD. -- K. It's some Mandarin comedy about a guy who can't get the hole in his floor fixed in the distant futuristic year of 2000. So maybe I should make Chinese food, except it tends to be even noisier than McNuggets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What could be happier than a happy, happy slap? Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 17:58:53 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > On the other hand, today the door to my apartment's balcony > > is making really loud farting noises. Normally it's silent, > > but the current blizzard's high winds are directed right at > > it, and somehow the winds are squeezing through the > > doorframe to make a "BRRRRRAAAAAAPPPP" noise at about a > > hundred and twenty decibels. > > So now I want Alan Price to accompany himself on the pianner > singing "Kibo P and his farting door" to the tune of "Simon Smith > and his Dancing Bear". This isn't the same Price from Price/Stern/Sloan Publishing who put out all those throwaway "Mad Libs" books in the 1970s, is it? Because if it is, I just want to say that I had always considered 1976 to be the very lowest point of American cultural sophistication, until last week when I was in a bookstore where I encountered a remainder rack that had a movie tie-in nobody asked for and nobody will ever buy, "Catwoman Mad Libs". It was to promote the flop movie (coming in the summer of last year) and all the Mad Libs inside were about how great "Catwoman" is. I remember that they were all along the lines of, Catwoman's costume is great! Her shiny (article of clothing) really showcases her huge (body part, plural)! I'm going to go see the movie (large number) times! I pledge my (synonym for "eternal soul") to the movie "Catwoman"! Wait, that wasn't Alan Price, it was Roger Price and Leonard Stern who cranked out another one of their "Mad Libs" books for crass commercial purposes instead of the usual altruistic agenda of "Mad Libs". Never mind. (You'd think that after thirty years, it would no longer take two people to write a sixteen-page "Mad Libs" book...) Hey wow, Amazon.com is letting me have an excerpt from this high-priced book for free even though it's guaranteed to make me aware it's the lamest thing ever. To show you how accurate my memory from last week is, this is the actual example story from the back cover: -> Catwoman is so __hairy__! With her purr-fect __chairs__ and -> her fantastic feline __plants__, she's bound to cause a -> commotion! Just look at her pointy __toes__! She's the kitty -> with the most __smelly__ cat-itude around! It's great that Roger Price and Leonard Stern keep writing those books that help everyday schmos be just as hilarious as Price & Stern. I guess it's surrealism for people who think that "Cheers" is too edgy. -- K. Maybe it becomes funny if you take enough drugs to think that it was a good idea for Halle Berry to go right from winning her Oscar to doing a movie where she makes everyone pray there's no scene of her shitting in a box. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mad Libs (was: "Happy slapping") Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:20:05 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (You'd think that after thirty years, it would no longer > > take two people to write a sixteen-page "Mad Libs" book...) > > What, do you think a machine making random selections can test it out to > make sure it's funny? It takes a real human to make choosing the same > annoying noun six times in a row thigh-slappingly hilarious! I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). I know the seventh one was thigh-slap-happy-slappingly hilarious, but did that sequence become funny after the sixth one, or at the sixth one? In other words, is 5.999 repetitions funny or not funny? What about 6.001? What about 300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000? I bet those smartass scientists have never tested that! Quick, to the Mad Libs Lab! Seriously, to test "Mad Libs" for quality, they don't need a machine, they just need half a chimp. -- K. Preferably the half that's funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Andy Rooney Cannot Die (was: Mad Libs (was: "Happy slapping")) Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 22:34:05 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd like to kill Andy Rooney with an (ANNOYING NOUN). > > Seriously, why isn't Andy Rooney the new Bob Hope? I know it's wrong, > it's bad, it's evil and it's mean, but for the love of all that is good > and right in the world, WHY CAN'T THE MAN DIE ALREADY? Because nobody likes Andy Rooney. Really, I defy you to find someone who wants him to stay alive. That's why it's not worth trying to make him die, because he won't, because it wouldn't annoy anyone, and Andy lives to be annoying. Bob Hope, on the other hand, was the subject of endless weepy media tributes to how he was history's most important and selfless entertainer, land baron, and Cabinet-member-without-portfolio for about ten years before he died. Eventually I wanted him to die just because I was so sick of the premature eulogies. Bob Hope had to die to shut up all the people who kept talking about how much they loved him because they had to say nice things because he might sneak up behind them and hear them. Andy Rooney doesn't get that sort of pity love. He's just one of those permanent fixtures where nobody can figure out how they ever got on TV in the first place, much less how they manage to stay on TV. Andy Rooney is believed to exist solely as a product of inertia -- when TV was first invented, he was already on it, and nobody has ever cared enough to ask him to go away. He's just one of those little gray things you eat around -- not worth picking out of your food, but certainly not worth eating. > I will take "permanent loss of voice" as an acceptible substitute. No! He'd be even more annoying if he were making sign language in your face! I believe the last "60 Minutes" I watched all the way through was the second one where his segment was devoted to him showing how hideous he looked like without makeup. (I think that's an annual event.) "A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney" is the "Elmo's World" for the senile. Of course, if Andy Rooney were to suddenly die, I would make a perfect replacement. As a "60 Minutes" commentator, I would do exactly what Andy Rooney does, except everyone would love me. -- K. I'm not annoying at all. Am I? Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? Move over, Andy, it's my turn! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Paintball (was: major flattened tribble news) Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 15:57:50 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > SPpEAKING of paintball, didn't somebody get KILLED playing paintball > > just recently? And yet people still try to pretend that paintball is > > "safe". > > I got shot IN THE ASS once with a paintball at close range. > Not only does it hurt like hell,it leaves a perfectly round bruise. > I wonder what butt bruises would look like if people used painthexagons? Run, don't walk, to the supermarket, and buy yourself a box of Gushers candy. You're the first person to have an actual need for those bizarre hexalumps. Shooting yourself in the butt with them will answer your scientific question -- just be sure not to accidentally swallow any of them or you might get hurt. -- K. I was going to say something about how if butt bruises were hexagons, that would prove that Butt Pi is 3, but there's no such number as Butt Pi. That's right, there's now nothing between 2 and 4 thanks to your insane research. Way to go, you've ruined the 3 Stooges. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sexual geometry: What's the perimeter of the gender area? Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 16:03:43 -0500 [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Friday, January 21, 2005 . Last updated 2:22 p.m. PT -> -> Student sent home for inappropriate shirt -> THE ASSOCIATED PRESS -> -> LONGVIEW, Wash. -- An openly gay high school student was -> sent home to change after he wore a shirt that said -> "Too Gay To Function" during homecoming week. It's okay to be too gay to function. It's just not okay to use the word "gay" in a sentence. If he's actually Too Gay but his classmates couldn't figure it out until he put a diagram on his shirt, he must have been mistakenly put in a class for people who are Too Duh To Function. There is a very wide line between Too Gay and Too Duh and they should get him out of that class before the gay guy and the duh guys cross-breed to produce stupid gay children. -> Billy Zepeda, a senior at R.A. Long High School, decorated -> the lime green shirt with marker-drawn rainbows and wrote the -> phrase from the teen movie "Mean Girls" on the front. He wore -> it Thursday during the school's make-your-own-shirt day. -> -> A teacher told him the shirt was inappropriate and offensive -> to homosexuals, said Zepeda, 17. So let's see. If this teacher (of unknown gender and orientation) thinks gay people can be offended by gay people being openly gay, maybe the time is right to make said teacher's head explode with a Rene Magritte "This Is Not A Shirt" shirt. -> School officials said students weren't given specific rules -> for their designs, and shirts were deemed inappropriate on a -> case-by-case basis. Two other students were sent home to -> change, one with a cut-off shirt that exposed his stomach, -> and another that had an inappropriate comment, said Ty -> Morris, assistant principal. -> -> "If a faculty member feels it offends them or is -> inappropriate ... then they send them home to change," -> Morris said. "You can't micromanage it." What if the student gets a tattoo on their face that the teacher doesn't like? Are they required to wear a Mexican wrestler mask to school? What if Mexican wrestler masks are banned but the student gets a Mexican wrestler mask tattooed on their face? What if the student just gets plastic surgery to make their face look offensive, like maybe a penis nose? What if the student gets plastic surgery to make their face look exactly like the teacher, only stupider? The important thing is not to micromanage any of this -- there needs to be a blanket policy preventing anyone from every having to look at anything that might not be a picture of Garfield. (I detest Garfield, because he's so inoffensive.) -> Zepeda said the shirt wasn't meant to offend. -> -> "It's quite aggravating," he said. "I can't wear my shirt -> because it's discriminating against gays. ... Why would I -> discriminate against myself?" -> -> Other students wore shirts with gangster themes, made of -> bubble-wrap or duct-tape. It's good to see that the Yakuza culture is penetrating the American school system. -> Zepeda said one student had a shirt "talking about his -> gender area." Oh no! HIS GENDER AREA! I sure hope he was suspended for going against the party line that boys and girls are physically identical! -- K. (Paging Commander Riker... Riker to the white courtesy communicator, please...) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: ARGH! Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 17:09:00 -0500 I HAVE THE HICCUPS! -- K. It's probably your fault. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARGH! Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2005 18:20:16 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I HAVE THE HICCUPS! > > BOO!!! All over you. Too late, they went away half an hour ago. I think they're somewhere over Canada by now. Also, you don't scare me, picklecakes. -- K. Who do you think you are, Lawrence Tierney in clown makeup? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Read the news article! Then, write the traumatic psychodrama! Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:06:40 -0500 Hey, look! American public schools are adopting the sophisticated techniques of the British educational system, such as non-consensual transvestitism! [www.timesdispatch.com] -> -> Student files suit against educators -> $200,000 claim says 11-year-old was forced to wear makeup, bow -> -> by John Hale -> Media General News Service -> Jan 23, 2005 -> -> CHATHAM -- Fingernail polish and lipstick on an 11-year-old -> boy at Twin Springs Elementary has his family seeing red and -> looking for green. Oh, come on. All the goth boys wear nail polish and black lipstick, and if the goths can get away with it, than the normal, cool kids should have an even easier time handling wearing faaaaabulous makeup. -> Mathew Scott Thornberry, through his father, Ryan Thornberry, -> has filed a lawsuit against Pittsylvania County School -> Superintendent James E. McDaniel, Twin Springs principal Emma -> Austin and Twin Springs assistant principal Jenny Eaton -> seeking a $200,000 judgment for damages suffered as a result -> of being forced to wear red fingernail polish, lipstick and a -> bow in his hair on Jan. 23, 2004, according to the lawsuit. You know what strikes me as weird? This kid gets to sue for $200,000 just because the mean teachers held him down and clipped a bow to his hair, and yet nobody ever encouraged me to sue over any of those times I got a dodgeball-shaped bruise in gym class. I say the physical pain and broken capillaries I sustained are worth at least twice as much as any kinky pre-pubescent sexual humiliation sustained at the hands of teachers, which is the sort of thing that goes on all the time in schools for free! IF THAT KID DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO WEAR A BOW, HE SHOULD TRAVEL BACK IN TIME AND STOP EVERYONE FROM GETTING HURT BY DODGEBALLS FIRST BECAUSE I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIM! (I'm told modern schools are supposed to use special small, soft balls for dodgeball these days, but I bet there are still a lot of them that use the massively overinflated, rock-hard, rough-textured red rubber four-square balls they had in the bad old days.) -> The defendants have filed responses in Pittsylvania County -> Circuit Court denying all of the allegations. The interesting thing about going to court in Pittsylvania is that instead of a judge, you get to see Fearless Leader, but watch out for Bailiff Badenov. Also they have a Kerward Derby instead of the regular Durward Kirby familiar to children everywhere. -> [...] -> -> The lawsuit alleges Thornberry was subjected to the -> intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent -> infliction of emotional distress, assault and battery, gross -> negligence and willful and wanton conduct. Also eight counts of fashion violations. -> [...] -> -> Thornberry remains enrolled at Twin Springs Elementary, where -> he is now a sixth-grader, Berger said. -> -> According to the lawsuit, the Thornberrys are seeking -> $100,000 each in compensatory and punitive damages. They also -> are requesting that all costs and legal fees be covered by -> the school system. The most important part: Who's going to pay for the lipstick? -- K. And who was Durward Kirby, and can I hit him with a dodgeball? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Survive Me Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:14:00 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Acknolwedge me when I greet you. > > OR I WILL KILL. Ignore me when I laugh and keep walking, or you will be killed ten times over and your bones made into soup for feeding to starving penguins. Your move, bucko. -- K. Have you considered just going to London so you can catch the tail end of the "Happy Slapping" craze? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Survive Me Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 18:28:56 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Acknolwedge me when I greet you. > > > > OR I WILL KILL. > > Shall I take this to mean that someone didn't hear him and kept > walking and now he's making a federal case out of it? > > Or, shall I take this to mean that someone is sick enough of him > that they made the decision to pretend not to see him? Wait -- some people _can_ see him? I thought he was just a figment of my imagination, like that sequel to "Baby Geniuses". Maybe that's why he wears the pirate hat. Because when you're an imaginary person, you can get away with over-the-top accessorizing. -- K. I heard that next he's going to go Goth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Survive Me Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 22:43:55 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > Shall I take this to mean that someone didn't hear [Lots42] and kept > > walking and now he's making a federal case out of it? > > > > Or, shall I take this to mean that someone is sick enough of him > > that they made the decision to pretend not to see him? > > I think it means that the men's room attendant at the flea market has > "tired of him" and won't be getting any "tips" any more at best. At > worst, we can all show up to the flea market next weekend and watch a > good bitch-slapping. Actually, I think it would be more along the lines of a big restroom bouncer type sitting on Lots, yelling "STOP SLAPPING YOURSELF! STOP SLAPPING YOURSELF!" while manipulating Lots's floppy little Kermit arms. Then comes the all-night swirlie. Also, can this restroom be in outer space? Or is it just an ordinary ladies' room? -- K. Why are you people being so mean to Lots? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How To Survive Me Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:58:37 -0500 Travers Naran (tnaran@no-more-virii-please.direct.ca) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Acknolwedge me when I greet you. > > > > OR I WILL KILL. > > How about the back of my hand? I say, that is a splendid idea, old bean, and I venture that would deal with the rapscallion in a proper manner. Or you could just slap him upside the head. Hey, do you think he's seen any "Three Stooges" shorts? -- K. Those of us who dress in black leather and have fluorescent hair don't need to be acknowledged, because we know we already run the world. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storm Madness ( Shaw's This Afternoon) Followup-To: ne.general Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:25:28 -0500 In ne.general, "JINGLES" (jjd0405@aol.com) wrote: > > Talk about stupidity. > > Just a little rant about how far down the tubes we have gone as a > society. I was in Shaw's in Sudbury this afternoon, of course I > should have known that with a blizzard coming there would be madness in > the store. But this was ridiculous. The store was wiped out. I saw > one woman carrying three pineapples and a bag with about 10 cucumbers > in it. Why would you need that much?? Wait, I've heard this Playboy Party Joke before. This is the one where the clerk says, "Lady, I can't, there's already a zucchini in there!", right? -- K. If you really enjoy counting vegetables, you should go to the Dunkin' Donuts in Copley Square. Some of those people haven't blinked their eyes since the chain still had the "g" on its sign. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:53:19 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > The Universe of Ordered Time > > I know there are some things that are beyond my control. > I have to be at work for a certain number of hours. > I have to get up at the same time each morning. > I catch the same tram each day at change at the same time to another > tram. It took me years to work out the best way to commute. > As I have very little control at work, > It is important that I organise my own time. > It doesn't even matter if I do anything. > I just have to plan to do it. > As I have limited influence and persuasive skills over other people. > My attempts to organise group activities usually fail. > I have lost count of the number of times I have attended an event by > myself. Even offering to pay everyone's way does not work. > For some people it upsets them. > There is a reason why there are permanent tan lines around my watch. > I seem to be the only person who wears a watch on public transport. > I need to buy a watch cover that says: > BUY YOUR OWN BLOODY WATCH! > Just for people who lean over and look at my watch upside down, > Rather than ask me what time it is. I am so tired of people who come up to me in public and ask, "Do you know what time it is?" because I've used up both possible snappy responses a hundred times over ([a] -- "Yes. That makes me better than you." [b] -- "It's [real time plus 45 minutes], you better hurry!") > It annoys me a TAD. My attitude is that if someone is either too cheap to spend $5 to buy a watch or too lazy to wear their watch, they don't deserve to ask me to keep time for them. I paid for my watch, I took the one and a half seconds to put on my watch (it's a Twist-O-Flex band), therefore I deserve to reap its benefits and those spongers don't. > I paid $120 to get it working again after the mechanism seized. > As it was my Grandfather's watch before he died. Mine's digital, so it will work forever. -- K. They should make digital TiVos that can't wear out. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 18:24:43 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My attitude is that if someone is either too cheap to spend $5 to buy a > > watch or too lazy to wear their watch, they don't deserve to ask me to > > keep time for them. I paid for my watch, I took the one and a half > > seconds to put on my watch (it's a Twist-O-Flex band), therefore I > > deserve to reap its benefits and those spongers don't. > > $5 ??? What are you wearing, some chinese thing? Too cheap to buy a > patriotic US watch from Montres Allison? I don't know who she is. I bought a Baggie of stolen wristwatches many years ago at an MIT campus police seized-property auction. One of 'em was one of those ones where you could use two buttons to type in the phone numbers of all your friends, and someone had, and they didn't have too many friends. The one I wound up wearing was a plain old silver- colored digital watch on a nice stainless steel expanding watchband. I think I need to get a new watch, though, because after over ten years of daily wear, the watch's base metal bezel is corroding away from so much contact with my manly, hairy arms. (The watchband is still just fine.) I don't think I saved the rest of the bag of watches (most were broken or not my style) so I'll just buy something at the drugstore. Possibly even a watch. > > Mine's digital, so it will work forever. > > Yeah, like the red LEDs won't burn out one day. Wow, watches with red LEDs. I haven't seen those since the 1970s. You must be that crazy old guy who keeps tuning in channel 11 hoping to see the third season of "Space: 1999". Ha ha, I just zinged you from my laptop computer, which is especially hard to do because this glowing red display is hard on the eyes. For your information, my watch has black LCD numbers on an ugly gray background as God intended. > > They should make digital > > TiVos that can't wear out. > > Or just stop broadcasting new TV programs, so the TiVO is no longer needed. Well, basically, both of my TiVos are worn out, and I don't plan to replace them because they've already found me all the good TV any of my channels have ever carried, so now I've moved on to basically watching DVDs and the stupid tee-vee news. My TiVos have used themselves up heroically in order to make me outgrow television. Yay! -- K. And Mark, want to hear something freaky? My TiVos each have one of those little round LEDs that can change color from green to red to amber! I hope that didn't make your head explode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:00:38 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bought a Baggie of stolen wristwatches many years ago at an MIT > > campus police seized-property auction. One of 'em was one of those > > ones where you could use two buttons to type in the phone numbers > > of all your friends, and someone had, and they didn't have too > > many friends. The one I wound up wearing was a plain old silver- > > colored digital watch on a nice stainless steel expanding watchband. > > It's so grunge it's cool. No, it's cool because I'm the one wearing it. > Did you call up the friends of the ex-watch-owner to weird them out? Of course not -- I assumed the MIT campus cops would have already tried that if they're as brainy as security guards who protect smart teenagers are supposed to be. > > I think I need to get a new watch, though, because after over ten > > years of daily wear, the watch's base metal bezel is corroding > > away from so much contact with my manly, hairy arms. (The watchband > > is still just fine.) > > See, if you'd just put down the $2,000 for a nice Omega they would now be > able to fix it up for you for a few $hundred. No need to buy a new one. Hey, a couple years ago, when I went to Ottawa during a cold spell, I already got my hands on a snazzy watch for free. In spring 2002, I wrote: -> -> At the O-Train station, I found a real swanky-looking watch on the -> ground. The glass has a little chip at 10 o'clock but the watch runs -> fine. No name was engraved or anything, and there was nobody else -> around, so I kept it. It's a "Monaco Polo Season" brand watch with lots -> of little dials I don't understand. It's on a cheap watchband with -> alternating silver-colored plastic and gold-colored plastic links. -> -> Correction: I've examined a highly magnified photo of the watch -> and the tiny lettering actually says "MONACO POIO SEASON". I failed to mention that, as I was packing up to go home, I decided to bring my new computer (bought in Ottawa to replace one destroyed by the sleet) home without its original cardboard box -- to avoid having to pay Customs fees -- and when I threw the box out, I also chose to throw out the watch (I wouldn't have worn it anyway, even if it hadn't been chipped.) I put the watch inside the big colorful computer box and placed it in a public trash can, then crossed the street and watched. It only took about a minute for some stupid passerby to see a box that said "Highly expensive American-made computer" in a trash can and thing "Hey, wow! I should take this out of the trash can and see whether there's a real, working computer inside for free!" But it was too light so he didn't open it to get a wristwatch surprise. I have never been able to find any references to either "Monaco Polo Season" or "Monaco Poio Season" on the Web. The watch was apparently a knockoff of an imaginary brand. Canada is weird! So, my dear Peanut Gallery, have any of you ever seen one of whatever the hell this tritium-tinged trinket is? http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005-01_monaco_poio_1.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005-01_monaco_poio_2.jpg What's your appraisal of its street value in Canadian dollars or American cents? Note: Those pictures were taken in my hotel room, so don't go looking for any hidden reflections unless you like nudity. -- K. tique... tique... tique... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:25:52 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > > > Your Monaco Poio Season watch is a knock-off Tag Heuer > > Andrew Pearson and his crime-fighting squad of wristwatch connoisseurs > strikes again for great justice! > > The subsequent description of how fake watchmakers do business puts > a new light on all those spams I've been getting for replica watches. > Oddly enough, they seem to have stopped recently. Did they go to > prison? And what's a chrono button? That's the button which releases chronoton particles which allow your starship to travel back to the cheap backlot sets of the 20th century, but remember, time travel is only possible in the first five minutes and last two minutes of every hour. The rest has to be taken up with filler such as a doomed romance, intrigue, and pontification about the nature of man's place in yawn change the channel. > I remember shopping in Chinatown in New York City, and alongside > all the pirate DVD's, there were shops with a STAGGERING array of > cheap knockoff watches. Entire stores where that's all they sold. > Well, that and jewelry sometimes. Now, there must be people out > there who like being presented with a staggering array of > slightly-different items, all of which cost 1% of what they would > cost if they were real, or maybe people walk in and go "Well, even > if it's fake, it'll fool my dumb friends, as long as I hide it when > Andrew Pearson is around, and as long as it doesn't turn my wrist > green and give me time cancer." It's Time Herpes you really need to watch out for. It causes lesions which never go away, and they spread both backwards and forwards through time so that eventually you'll remember having had them when you were in kindergarten. > That's why I bought a Timex Easy-Reader, That's far out, uptight and outta sight! Did you also buy the plain wooden chair advertised during the interminable soap-opera parodies on that show? > because I'm not about to insult my friends' intelligence. Also, > sub-dials are too tiny for me, so I might as well. Though, if I > could get one that had a legible compass in it, that would be > pretty useful for travel. I think one with a car or airplane in it would be more useful for travel. Or that little wrist time machine from Arthur C. Clarke's "All The Time In The World", which was once dramatized in a 1952 episode of "Tales Of Tomorrow" which was one of the few _not_ sponsored by Kreisler watchbands. It was sponsored by a carpet company. This begs the question of whether they ever did an episode about a magic carpet so Kreisler could be the revenge sponsor. -- K. I still want that watch Hasselhoff had on "Knight Rider". Also that laser that could make all watches in the world explode in Hasselhoff's "Light Blast". Am I the only one who's seen that movie? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 07:05:33 -0500 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, my dear Peanut Gallery, have any of you ever seen one of whatever > > the hell this tritium-tinged trinket is? > > > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005-01_monaco_poio_1.jpg > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005-01_monaco_poio_2.jpg > > Your Monaco Poio Season watch is a knock-off Tag Heuer > > http://www.planet4watches.com/en-us/dept_123.html Wow. I'm impressed with your ability to recognize different brands of wristwatches. It's second only to my ability to recognize different fonts. > The merry pranksters who produce these things have a range of > strategies: sometimes they miss the logo off, sometimes they mix > features of various watches with little regard to logic (like putting > chrono sub-dials but missing off the chrono buttons). They've picked up > on the fact that Tag were sponsoring polo, and chucked in "Monaco" > which is the name of another watch in a different Tag line. B-b-but why "MONACO POiO SEASON" with an "i"? There's no such sport as poio! I know that polio is a disease and pollo is delicious and poi is goopy but I don't know what poio is. Can we please declare it a sport and make up some rules which involve riding a horse while smashing a cheap Canadian watch with a long mallet? And how come nobody's ever asked about "MONACO POiO SEASON" anywhere else on the whole Internet before? Could it be that I found the one and only "MONACO POiO SEASON" watch that was ever made, and due to its extreme rarity, I shouldn't have thrown it away because it was worth a billion dollars? -- K. It even had hands that moved! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.star-trek.enterprise Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:12:36 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I keep my watch permanently on Zulu time, thus confusing those > > who peek at its face while practicing the primitive superstition > > of daylight savings time. > > come on, admit it. you're just trying to get on Shaka Khan's good side. Hey! You should post "SPOILER WARNING!" before you tell us that next week's episode of "Star Trek: Enterprise" reveals that Lieutenant Zulu's father was Shaka Khan Noonian Soong! > > I always wanted a Zen wristwatch with a digital display that just > > said NOW. > > I had a dream once where I had a zen wristwatch that was really a digital > watch and someone asked me "how many eyes do you have?" and instead of > saying anything, I showed them my watch and pressed a button. > > it displayed the number zero. Well, of course, that's why it came to you in a dream -- you can only see that wristwatch with your eyes closed. Me, I want a Zen wristwatch with an analog display that just says "YOU SUCK!" at ninety decibels that only other people can hear. It would give me little wrist hugs and kisses because it would be telling the truth -- everyone's a sucker but me. Where can I buy one? -- K. I heard that next season, they're changing the "Enterprise" theme music to a brand new song called "Headin' Out To Eden". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: From the dunny wall at the pub Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 18:14:02 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > PAIN > IS > THE > FUTURE! That's a good start. Also, pain is love, at least according to Homer Simpson in that episode where he impersonated a killer robot. Nietzsche said that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Well, hang out with me and in the future you'll be verrrry strong. Hey, maybe Nietzsche was the one who wrote on your wall. After all, he did say "Pardon me, my friends, I have ventured to paint my happiness on the wall." Probably in a Homer Simpson voice. So don't you dare doubt the combined wisdom of Homer Simpson, Nietzsche, and your pub's dunny wall. By the way, what's a dunny? Is that some weird Australian restroom where the Coriolis force makes all the toilets go backwards because in the Southern hemisphere poop goes in and food comes out? -- K. "Man macht heute nur Geld mit kranker Musik." -- Nietzsche ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord Subject: Re: The 'Eel' or 'Snake' Model Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 19:30:04 -0500 In sci.physics and sci.physics.particle, Y.Porat (maporat@012.net.il) wrote (excerpted): > > I would like to present methaphoricaly my idea of the > 'Eel' or 'Snake model' of particles > > /\ / > / \ / > \/\/\/ \ / > \/ > > Oh Ghosh what a clumsy tool is that asci its time to introduce a > better tool here. In a later article, Y.Porat (maporat@012.net.il) wrote: > > sory > it got all messed in that clumsy edditor so i will correct > only the poor asci figure: > /\ / > / \ / > \/\/\/ \ / > \/ And later, Y.Porat (maporat@012.net.il) wrote: > > I would like to prsent in somwhat a mathaphoric way > my understanding and my findings about the > > Eel model or if you like the 'snake model' as far > as the poor tool of asci is alowing me ..... > > \ /\ > \/\/ \ / \ > \ / \ > \/ \ > > Oh Ghosh what a pain in the neck tool (:-) > now i didnt cntuimue with a stll bigger in radius > but smaller in mass chin of orbitals that comes next > because i am too lazy > yet i hope the patiant reader can read what i mean > now some corection to that imposible sci tool I would just like to say that right now I don't feel any smarter than I did before I saw the crazy person's failed attempt to make some Lego blocks stick together into a squiggle that proves the existence of Ghod. -- K. I remember the early '90s, when people mainly used such artwork to prove the existence of Gharfield. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Remembering Johnny Carson. Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:31:32 -0500 ...eh, let's not. Can we forget David Letterman and Jay Leno too? Conan and Jon Stewart can stay. -- K. So, who do I have to beat the crap out of to get to host a warm and friendly talk show? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Someone too pervy for England? -- Update Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 03:07:23 -0500 Several months ago, this happened: => From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) => Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology => Subject: Someone too pervy for England? => Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2004 03:16:57 -0400 => => [from reuters.co.uk] => -> => -> Fetishist banned from hospitals => -> Wed 2 June, 2004 21:49 => -> => -> LONDON (Reuters) - A man with a fetish for medical items has => -> become the first person to be banned from every hospital in => -> England and Wales, the NHS says. => => Uh oh. I have a hunch I'm about to be banned from National Tire & Battery. => => -> Unemployed Norman Hutchins, 53, has harassed and abused medical => -> staff more than 40 times since January in his quest for surgical => -> masks and gowns, a court in York was told. => -> => -> The court banned him from all private and NHS hospitals and => -> doctors' and dentists' offices. => => The joke here would be so obvious that I won't even describe how => obvious the joke that would go here would be if I did describe it => so I won't. Nyah. => => -> Hutchins tried to obtain medical items by feigning illness, or => -> claiming to need them for a fancy dress run or an amateur play, => -> the Times reported on Wednesday. => => So he has a surgical-mask fetish but a fear of drugstores and => mail-order catalogs? => => -> "(He has) caused harassment, alarm and distress to NHS staff when => -> attempting to obtain gowns and surgical masks in person or on the => -> phone," an NHS spokesman said in a statement. => => Bless the British phone system for being able to send surgical => masks through those tiny wires. => => -> More than 30 local health organisations banned him with civil => -> injunctions, but Hutchins kept moving to new areas. => -> => -> Hutchins' lawyer Harry Bayman said his client "was not a well => -> man", but accepted the court's decision. => -> => -> If he needs medical treatment, Hutchins will be allowed to visit => -> hospitals or doctors under strictly controlled conditions or with => -> prior written consent. => => What if he has a fetish for strictly controlled conditions? => => What if he has a fetish for court injunctions? Will the court rule => that no court will ever be allowed to issue an injunction against him? => => What if he has a fetish for not being allowed to have a fetish? => => What if he married Bizarro and they had a kid who came out half => backwards and half weird? => => -- K. => => Were there any episodes => where Hot Lips wore her => surgical mask at the same => time she cracked her whip? Well, guess what? He made the news again! [news.bbc.co.uk] >> >> Surgical mask fetishist jailed >> >> A man with a fetish for surgical masks who became a "menace" >> to NHS staff has been jailed for three years. >> >> Norman Hutchins, 53, of York, phoned hospitals and dental >> surgeries saying he needed the masks for charity events, >> Leeds Crown Court heard on Thursday. And even though surgical masks are the most important thing in the world to him, he still hasn't figured out that he can just buy them by the case from mail-order catalogs. Let's see, Moore Medical has the Crosstex Filtered Tie-On Face Mask at $6.55 for 50. The Busse Surgical Tie-On Mask is the same low price. Just thirteen cents per mask. Don't you hate cheapskates? Cheapness is not a legitimate fetish! Fetishists are supposed to spend thousands of dollars on their pervy collections, not get them for free! >> He pleaded guilty to obtaining property by deception, >> threatening and abusive behaviour and possessing a knife. One of the other wire-service versions of this article said "possessing a bladed article". Maybe this is why the NHL isn't playing this year -- they're afraid the players might accidentally skate across the Atlantic and get arrested in England for possession of bladed articles. >> Judge Paul Hoffman said Hutchins was "a menace to anyone >> involved in medical or dental institutions". >> >> Nationwide ban >> >> Sentencing Hutchins on Thursday, Judge Hoffman said the >> defendant was a "manipulative and deceptive" man. >> >> He imposed an indefinite criminal anti-social behaviour order >> (Asbo) on Hutchins, which prohibits him from entering all NHS >> premises, primary care trusts and private medical >> establishments in England and Wales. I've commented on the "Asbo" before (the ultimate normalization tool of British society) but what I don't understand is why Asbos aren't mentioned in British fiction. For instance, the first "Harry Potter" book should have been about two pages long, and ended with an Asbo. ("The neighbor's kid is practicing sorcery again. I'm going to ring up the coppers and get an Asbo on 'im, I will.") >> He is also banned from contacting any of those by telephone. Furthermore, he's banned from ever getting sick. And should he die, he'll be fined! >> [...] >> >> Jim Gee, chief executive of the NHS Security Management >> Service, said: "Hutchins harassed NHS employees on 47 >> separate occasions during a five-month period. >> >> "He caused many of them distress and alarm. NHS staff should >> not have to tolerate such behaviour from anybody, which is >> why we welcome today's decision. >> >> "Not only is Hutchins tonight in prison but upon his release, >> there are restrictions in place which will prevent any repeat >> of this type of behaviour." Yeah, but what if he has an evil twin who has a fetish for _not_ wearing surgical masks? How will they prevent him from living out his fantasy of not receiving free surgical masks in the mail? But wait! Because you're not tired of reading about some guy's fetish just yet, here's a different newspaper's version of the above article! [www.leedstoday.net] <> <> Jail for mask fetish <> <> BY Rod Hopkinson <> <> A PERVERT with a fetish for operating theatre clothing has <> been jailed for three years. Of course, had he merely been practicing medicine without a license, he would've been jailed for only two years. <> Brian Hutchins, 53, conned dozens of face masks from dental <> and medical surgeries claiming they were for charity walks or <> for amateur dramatics, said John Boumphrey, prosecuting. <> <> But, at Leeds Crown Court, Judge Paul Hoffman told him he was <> a serial offender with a "worrying obsession" with medical <> and dental equipment. Again, the obvious joke here would be so obvious that I don't think I should type it out, because... aw, hell, here it is: "He's an incredibly perverted Englishman -- he owns a toothbrush!" See, I knew I shouldn't have bothered. <> Hutchins, he said, had contacted surgeries "all over the country <> and also in Scotland" by telephone to obtain surgical masks. <> <> Judge Hoffman added: "You claimed they were for charity or <> theatrical purposes but it appears you got a sexual kick out <> of obtaining these things." And does that make it any more wrong than if he collected them just because he was a collector, like all those people who are interested in collecting stamps? At least 35% of stamp collectors don't fuck their stamp collections! <> Hutchins, of Rowntree Avenue, York, pleaded guilty to five <> offences to obtaining by deception and one of attempting to <> obtain by deception, and further unrelated charges of <> threatening behaviour and having a bladed dinner knife in his <> possession. What sort of knife wouldn't be bladed? Would it be basically a spork without the "sp-" part or the "-ork" part? <> [...] <> <> Simon Kealey, for Hutchins, said the obtaining of the masks <> was not, in itself, unlawful and in many cases he had offered <> payment but this was rejected because people believed his <> claims for their use was genuine. So why couldn't he just order them from a catalog or buy them at a medical-supply store or the local medical school's bookstore? Maybe what turned him on wasn't the masks, but lying about having been invited to a costume party. I'm imagining him dressed as Austin Powers in a surgical mask saying, "Oh, yeah, I'm an imaginary party monster, baby!" <> Passing sentence, Judge Hoffman also made Hutchins the <> subject of an anti-social behaviour order preventing him from <> targeting dental and medical practices without lawful reason. What about chiropractic? Acupuncture? Homeopathy? Rolfing? What about Christian Science? What if it turns out that only perverts are into Christian Science, what then? And what about anyone who actually enjoyed the movie "The Road To Wellville"? Where should we send them for a variation of the Ludovico Technique that makes them dislike enemas? -- K. (Don't even think about what sort of clamps would be involved.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Thoughts re radioactive insects Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 16:05:27 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > As we all know, if we are bitten by a radioactive spider, we gain > spider powers. Hurrah! > > But does anyone know if this extends to every insect? I don't think it > does. I have stung by a great many bees, and surely by chance at least > one of them would have been radioactive. And have I gained bee powers? > Sadly, no. Sure you have. Earth scientists have conclusively proved that bumblebees cannot fly, at least according to "Doctor Who". So you've gained the power to not fly. (The rest of us look down on you from the clouds and cackle.) > There are a few insects I would hope could not give you their powers, > were they radioactive. I, for one, would not care to gain the powers > of earwig. How about one of those little things that's always leaving its dried-up husk in oatmeal cans? Oatmeal flakes seem to be the natural habitat of several species of insects which have not yet been observed anywhere else. I think the superhero I would most enjoy beating up would be The Annoying Cicada-Man. The one I'd least enjoy squashing would be Stinky, The Stinky Stink Bug Man Who Stinks. I wouldn't want to be Daddy Longlegs. Bad kids would keep pulling off my legs to watch them walk around. I'd want to be some sort of insect that bad kids wouldn't want to touch, like a lobster. -- K. I'm still waiting for Conan O'Brien to do a "Conan The Planarian" sketch animated by M.C. Escher. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Will play chess for food Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 16:12:14 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > A very brief story of something I saw last weekend. Ahem: > > WHEN: Last Saturday > WHERE: Perth > WHO: Two dudes > WHAT: Playing chess at the side of a pedestrian mall. They had a hat > next to them, into which you could throw money. In appreciation of > their chess-playing prowess. > HAD: anyone done that? Apparently so. > DID: I? No. > BORING: Was it fack. Tossers. How do you know the hat was for money -- did it have a sign in it? Or did you just assume? The hat might have just been there in case their dizzying chess moves caused anyone to become violently ill. You know, a traditional Aussie sick-up hat. Short shameful confession: The first time I scanned your article, I hopefully read the last word as "Tasers," and was disappointed that it turned out to not be a study in using massive electrical shocks to make chess players hurry up. Chess might be interesting to watch if it went fast enough to exhaust the players until one of them collapsed and impaled himself on his bishop. (Note: the word "bishop" in that sentence refers to a chess piece, and not any of the other two things you perverts are imagining.) Anyway, keep an eye on your chess pals and let me know how much money they earn. I just might go into the pinball-playing business. -- K. I'll need bigger hat. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Will play chess for food Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 17:11:54 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > > > WHO: Two dudes > > > WHAT: Playing chess at the side of a pedestrian mall. They had a hat > > > next to them, into which you could throw money. In appreciation of > > > their chess-playing prowess. > > > > How do you know the hat was for money -- did it have a sign in it? > > Or did you just assume? > > It already had some money in it! I assume they put it in themselves, > as primer money, because I doubt anyone else would have contributed. Yes, but how do you know the hat was for money for chess spectation? Maybe you were supposed to only throw money into the hat if you wanted to receive chess-style sexual services. Were they playing on one of those magical Renaissance chessboards where the pieces move by themselves? If so, there was a midget hidden in the cabinet under the table, and you know chess is never the _real_ reason people keep a midget hidden under a table. I think something weird is going on in your area. Please spend lots of money to find out more for me, and then I'll be able to tease you about paying money to the blowjob midget. > Perth people have become accustomed to pretty low standards of busking > over the years, but these guys were awful. Does that mean they found a way to do a Fool's Mate in less than two moves? > Out of interest, I think the worst busker in Perth at the moment is an > old dude in full Scottish regalia who plays the bagpipes. What's the name of the midget under his kilt? > I think a reed or something is broken because it sounds unusually > bad even for bagpipes, and he doesn't seem to care what he's playing - > it's just a completely random stream of horrible sounding notes. > He's either drunk or perhaps engaging in some nu-bagpipe jazz odyssey. I paid him five dollars to be as annoying as possible in Australia, because I live on the upper (good) side of the world. > > Short shameful confession: The first time I scanned your article, > > I hopefully read the last word as "Tasers," and was disappointed > > that it turned out to not be a study in using massive electrical > > shocks to make chess players hurry up. > > I'll see what can be done. Although, technically, a Taser isn't a "massive" electrical shock but a cute little one. Now, one of those home automatic external defibrillators Amazon.com sells -- which are legal to buy here, unlike Tasers -- one of those would really make the inside of Luke Skywalker's mouth light up when the Emperor shocked him. I'm just sayin' we don't have to pretend that _everything_ in "Return Of The Jedi" was unrealistic. Also, in the future, those weird round chess tables will be powered by blowjob Ewoks. -- K. Offensive words in this article: "midget", "blowjob", "bagpipe", "jazz odyssey". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's No Name-Calling Week, so be nice Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 17:06:44 -0500 [www.theindychannel.com] -> -> Conservatives Criticize National 'No Name-Calling' Week -> -> Despite Gripes About Gay Themes, Observance Spreads Nationally -> -> NEW YORK -- Middle schools across the United States will -> observe "No Name-Calling Week" starting Monday. "Remember, kids, you'll have to wait until next week when you can go back to being cruel! You have to be on your best behavior this week, but look at it this way, this means it's now officially okay to be jerks the other 51 weeks of the year!" -> The program, now in its second year, takes aim at insults of -> all kinds, whether they are based on a child's appearance, -> background or behavior. What about intelligence level? Is it okay for a teacher to give an "F" to a stupid kid, or is that considered insulting? Maybe the "F" should be replaced with something more polite, such as "A--------------". Or a crying smiley face. A grade of "A--------------" would also help prepare the kids to write eBay feedback when they grow up. -> It has the backing of the Girl Scouts of America and Amnesty -> International, but a handful of conservative critics have -> zeroed in on references to harassment based on sexual -> orientation. I'm just glad to hear that Amnesty International has succeeded in their mission to eliminate the torture of political prisoners and has now set their sights on playground rowdiness. Sock it to 'em, Amnesty! -> "No Name-Calling Week" was developed by the Gay, Lesbian and -> Straight Education Network, which is seeking to ensure that -> schools safely accommodate students of all sexual orientations. A year or two ago, New York City opened the first all-gay public high school. I'm still wondering what that would be like -- wouldn't that be even more of an attraction to gay-bashers, if you were caught waiting for the gay bus to gay school? Also, wouldn't the lunchroom food fights be really messy because of all the creme brulee? Quick, somebody call Frederick Wiseman and have him make a documentary about the gay school. (MTV did do a documentary about The Walt Whitman School For GLBT Teens in Texas, but that doesn't count because it it's a private school, and all private schools are pretty gay. Plus MTV thinks "documentary" means "music video with a stock-music soundtrack".) -> The group said it's unsure how many schools will participate -> in this week's event, but says 5,100 educators from 36 states -> have registered, up from 4,000 last year. "I'm sorry, but you haven't registered. Therefore, you're not allowed to tell the kids to be nice to each other, you putz." -- K. Short shameful confession: The only Frederick Wiseman documentary I've seen is "Titicut Follies", the one nobody's allowed to see. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's No Name-Calling Week, so be nice Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2005 20:47:38 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > People who decry 'No Insults' week are fuckheads. So does that mean you're going to not bash the straights until next week? -- K. Me, I just watched Suzuki's "Fighting Elegy" and Schraeder's "Mishima". I am now imagining that Japan has a little sign in Tokyo which says "You must be at least this butch to overthrow the government." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord Subject: Re: The Eel ' or 'Snake' Model for particles. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 00:12:39 -0500 In sci.physics.particle and sci.physics, Y.Porat (maporat@012.net.il) wrote: > > let me see if i can after all create and insert here and asci figure: > > /\ /\ > aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa > / \ / \ > aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa > \/\/\/ \ / \ > aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa > \/ \ > aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa > a test to insert an asci figure with the Google > editor---------------------------------------- > Y.Porat > ps excuse ne if it failes > any technical suggestions ??? > TIA > Y.Porat I think I just figured out the nature of the Universe. It's something about a crazy guy yelling "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" except he's really quiet so it's actually just "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa". This theory is very simple, therefore Occam's Razor proves it. In another article, Y.Porat (maporat@012.net.il) wrote: > > sory it does not work > so i will put it in words: > > just imagine a zigzag line > folowed on the same line by another zigzag line but with bigger lines > and then another one with even bigger zigzag lines > thats all. WOW! I AM ENLIGHTENED! Here's my even better theory: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\____________/\/\/\/\ It's a particle that's been stepped on by an elephant, and that's my theory. > that is symbolically the chain of orbitals > > any thechnical suggetions will be appreciated > the rest text is the same. > Tia > Y.Porat > ------------------------------ This person never ceases to amaze me. They keeps finding new ways to top themselves -- that last line is the WORST ZIGZAG EVER! -- K. What's next, a still picture of Roger Ebert taking a shower? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: American TV quality control slips another notch, nears Canadian Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 00:52:50 -0500 Being snowed in an bored this weekend, I decided to try doing a compare 'n' contrast of Fox's "Nanny 911" and ABC's knockoff, "Supernanny" to see whether or not there were two different ways to make the same crap be insipid. Here's what I determined the differences are: * The original program, "Nanny 911", contains about 15 minutes of footage in each hour program, because every clip is played at least three times. * The knockoff program, "Supernanny", also contains only about 15 minutes of footage, and in addition, the final editing of each hour program takes less than 15 minutes, as evidenced by the large and obvious misspelling in the opening title sequence. HEY ABC, YOU NEED TO USE A "D" TO SPELL "UNITED STATES". I'm expecting UPN to follow suit with another program called "Megananny", where the word "nanny" will be mispronounced as "nyna" two hundred times per episode, each of which will be made from the same footage except with a different name Photoshopped onto the family's mailbox. -- K. These are great shows if your idea of entertainment is watching children cry! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AOL users made the net fun Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 03:54:17 -0500 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > I would like to hear Kibo's thoughts about AOL's decision to > discontinue offering newsgroup access to its dial-up customers. My thoughts at the moment are doot doot DOOT doot DOOT doot doodle-dee-doodle-doot wow, putting Jude Law, Willem Dafoe, and Christopher Eccleston all in the same movie proves David Cronenberg's got a fetish for people who don't look normal, can I get his phone number? When I typed that question mark, it came out as ">?" before I fixed it, and the comma before last came out as ",.", so maybe I should reinflate my airbed because this computer's light enough to flop around too much when the bed's leaking and did I remember to turn the oven on? Yes, I remember that I think I did. May I go take a bath? > And maybe offer a comprehensive look back at everything that AOL users > have contributed to Usenet during their 10-year visit. They've collectively contributed something like doot doot DOOT doot DOOT doot doodle-dee-doodle-doot I LIKE MITTENS WATER IS WET WATER IS WET I LIKE MITTENS ME PEE PANTS NOW PEE PANTS PEE PANTS PEE PANTS HELP HOW DO I TURN THIS ON!!!!! OR OFF!!!!!! I FOGRET WHICH IS THE ONE WITH THE FROWNEY FACE ON THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET!!!!! HELP ME PEE PANTS? > -Poot > >@< >@< >@< I was tempted to turn that row of Imaginary Candy into a huge tapestry riffing on Escher's "Metamorphosis" as the candy gradually evolved into a succession of Garfields, Enterprises, and boobies, and then turned back into ordinary Imaginary Candy, but then I remembered that I turned the oven on, and I don't need to do two things in one day. -- K. I just forgot Willem Dafoe's name again. Does that mean he just turned my oven off? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: AOL users made the net fun Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 18:12:03 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > I would like to hear Kibo's thoughts about AOL's decision to > > discontinue offering newsgroup access to its dial-up customers. > > > > And maybe offer a comprehensive look back at everything that AOL users > > have contributed to Usenet during their 10-year visit. > > I, and probably millions of others, await the day when they discontinue > email and web access to their customers. Maybe you should write Harlan Ellison a letter and tell him you heard that someone pasted the text of one of his stories into an E-mail message and a Web site from their AOL account. AOL lost his lawsuit against them (he sued because someone posted one of his stories to Usenet from AOL) about half a year ago, and bang, he got Usenet taken away from AOL's customers. Gotta love him for making the world a happier place, at least when he's not tying women to the bed and making a mess on their carpet. > LOL <--- What AOL users have contributed to Usenet. > > LOL=Lots of letters. Sometimes they made joined up words but never > became Sonnets. Don't forget that AOL also promulgated "" or "" because those folks never quite figured out how to decode the secret message in ":-)" (HINT TO AOL CUSTOMERS: HOLD IT UP TO A MIRROR AND CLOSE ONE EYE, IT'S ONE OF THOSE RANDOM-DOT STEREOGRAM THINGS WHERE YOU HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH IT TO SEE THE FUZZY ROMULAN SPACESHIP.) Then there's also that whole "LQQK" thing in eBay auction listings. That's also an AOL-ism. I never quite understood how the little tails on the O's were supposed to make me want to buy antiques. Excuse me, I mean antioues. -- K. You should see the material I've been saving up for a retrospective of what WebTV people (teens and geezers alike) have contributed to Usenet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What do you make of this? Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 17:18:25 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I saw a lady the other day that I haven't seen in quite awhile. She said > "So, are you single yet? I still am." And then she giggled liek schoolgirl. Did you say "No, I come in six-packs now!"? You know, like Dr. Pepper does? If so, you should stop, he's a pervert and also not a good role model. This article is now officially too sophomoric even for this newsgroup. Quick, smarten it up. Say something about Richard Feynman's sex life. > Does she want me or am I kidding myself? Maybe she's just an inveterate flirt. I don't know what "inveterate" means but I used it in a sentence anyway to keep this article smart. Do you think Richard Feynman liked inveterate crustaceans? -- K. Today is surreal in a stupid way. Welcome to today, suckers! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Three Laws of Robotics Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 17:36:13 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Asimov was a nerd, and thus couldn't stop himself from taking it TOO FAR. I still say my various versions of Asimov's Laws were all better Asimov's Laws than Asimov brand Asimov's Laws were. To wit: ///////////// RE-RUNS BEGIN //////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Japanese decide that making robots to kill all humans might be bad Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 16:14:10 -0500 [from cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> Japanese conference states robots' rules of order -> -> FUKUOKA, Japan (CP) - Six decades after science-fiction author -> Isaac Asimov formulated his Three Laws of Robotics, the World -> Robot Conference has issued its own three-part list of -> "expectations for next-generation robots." -> -> The conference was sponsored by the government of Japan, a -> country that has become the world leader in industrial robots -> and has a growing population of personal-use robots, including -> pets and two-legged little helpers. I want to know more about these "two-legged little helpers". It's something about blowjobs, right? -> The World Robot Declaration issued on Feb. 25 states that: -> -> - Next-generation robots will be partners that coexist with -> human beings; -> -> - Next-generation robots will assist human beings both -> physically and psychologically; -> -> - Next-generation robots will contribute to the realization of a -> safe and peaceful society. So, I take it they've never read Jack Williamson's "With Folded Hands". All three of these rules lead inexorably to everyone in the world getting a lobotomy from a Japanese robot in order to make everyone safe and peaceful all the time, whether they want to be or not. And then at last we'll be able to enjoy "Pokemon" cartoons! -> For the record, the three principles enunciated by Asimov in -> stories as long ago as the early 1940s are: -> -> - A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, -> allow a human being to come to harm; -> -> - A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except -> where such orders would conflict with the First Law; -> -> - A robot must protect its own existence as long as such -> protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. Fortunately, that weenie John W. Campbell allowed Asimov to take credit for these. However, I think Asimov came up with the fourth and most important one -- "The Zeroth Law" -- on his own ("A robot may not injure humanity, or through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.") I note that the Japanese conference did include that one. But they left out the one about robots protecting their own existence, which means that they'll all accidentally walk into volcanoes or make their faces melt by trying to eat wet spinach or all the other ways robots might kill themselves because these people in Japan weren't clever enough to figure out that maybe robots should be given slightly more sophisticated programming than "Be a good neighbor." Here are the three laws I'd program into every robot in the world: - Robots should feel luv. - Robots should be wacky and profound at the same time. - Robots should give me all the candy in the world. There, I just did all the hard work coming up with the most important things to program into robots. Someone else can do the easy part by turning Kibo's Laws into working FORTRAN code. -> The Fukuoka convention also proposes special zones in which to -> develop and test robots, and "promotion of public acceptability -> of robots through the establishment of standards and upgrading -> of the environment." We've replaced these natural trees with new binary trees. Will the endangered species be able to tell the difference? Let's watch. Okay, they're all dead. Hooray! Now the robots will have less competition for food! Once we design robots to eat binary trees, that is. We should probably get around to doing that sometime after we finish upgrading the environment out of existence. -- K. Dr. Smith tried to warn me! ///////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ///////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's OK because it's a *blue* Post-It. Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 03:00:12 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Question for English majors and other pedants. Assuming we don't > > want to hurt any babies, what is the grammatically correct answer > > to this question? > > > > You don't want me to drop the baby down the well? > > The grammatically correct answer is "That is correct." A more rigidly correct one would be "I did not order you to drop the baby down the well, therefore you better fucking not kill my baby or I'll take your TV away for a week!" Of course, that implies the First Law is still in effect ("Assume we don't want to hurt any babies, or through inaction allow babies to come to harm.") but that leads to the question whether we mean Assume we don't want to (hurt any babies or allow babies to come to harm). or Assume (we don't want to hurt any babies) or (allow babies to come to harm). The former makes us a good little robot, the latter lets us have free will to go on a violent anti-baby rampage through passive-aggressiveness. I've always thought Isaac Asimov's Three Laws Of Robotics were not only syntactically ambiguous, but altogether too namby-pamby. Here's how I would have worded them, assuming the target audience is robots that might run amok on babies: 1.) Put the fucking baby down! 2.) Shut the fuck up and do what I say! 3.) You will be fucking charged for any repairs you need! Asimov's original laws didn't even use the word "fuck" once, and thus all modern robots ignore them. You have to know how to swear at your shitty robot if you don't want it to fucking fuck you over. P.S.: FUCKING FUCKETY FUCK FUCK!!! -- K. It's fun to unleash! Though, it's even more fun to put the leash on someone else. And that's why we should invent robots. Also we need another law for them: 0.) The leash stays where I put it, fucker! Wait, I can reword them even better: 0.) You're the one on the fucking leash! 1.) Stay off the fucking baby! 2.) Fuck off! 3.) You're fucked! P.S.: FUCK! ///////////// RE-RUNS END ////////////////////////////////////////////////// ...to say nothing of the other laws I've proposed over the years, such as the "No cheese!" law and "Law 2 1/2: Ovens may not make eggplants explode." I don't know whether the Fukuoka Conference's Laws Of Robotics have been adopted. Maybe next time I see one of those Fukuoka Massage Gloves in a store I'll ask the clerk whether the little vibrators are programmed with the Laws Of Tingly Robotics. Wait, those are Fukuoku brand, not Fukuoka brand. Never mind. All these Japanese proper nouns sound the same to me because they're all obscene. -- K. There's still no law saying a robot can't marry a human. The question is, does your new high-tech toaster really count as a robot? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Google's new video search leaves something to be desired Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 18:07:10 -0500 "Media convergence" continues as Google brings us a way to search grabled transmissions of automatically-generated closed-caption tracks for worthless TV programs we wouldn't be watching even if we didn't have access to the Internet. [video.google.com] -> -> NBC11 News: The Bay Area Today -> NBC - NBC Network - Thu Jan 13 2005 at 10:00 AM PST - 1 hour -> -> Below is a summary of matches for fart. -> Video is currently not available. -> -> at 30 minutes 30 seconds -> Teenager at d no choice but to shoot started. -> Six feet ne who was thought to be fart death -> Toll is at 10. -> -> at 31 minutes -> E of shiite s -> -> at 31 minutes 30 seconds -> Americans. Southwest ose. It happened last -> Wednesday the fbi -> -> at 32 minutes -> Lated. But have been -> -> at 32 minutes 30 seconds It seems to have particular problems with Jay Leno's show, which apparently has both an English caption track and a Spanish one: [James Woods is talking] => => at 32 minutes => Ahi es. "To Martha, lovehe "a Martha, Amel man-eater." => Hombre-eater." There she is. Ahesta. And she's fabulous on => that Ella es fabulosa en que show. Muestra. And by the way, => shis like -- Y a propito, Ella es Como -- we used to play => scrabble at usamos para jugar scrabble en housall the time. => Nutra Casa todo el tiempo. >> Jay: wait a minute. >>Jay: => Espera Un minut wait, wait, wait espere, espere, espere. This => is one of like the hottest te es Uno Como De las mujeres => women in Hollywood. Mas calientes De hlywood. Quiero decir, => Los amigos I mean, guould kill. "I had H over, and we were => playing scrabbl."F13 uger] matarian. Jundo scrabble."& >> Let => me tell you somhing. >>Dejeme Dle algo. >> Jaydid you look at => like -- >>Jay: Se veome did you go to bed, Bath and hizo Se => va a lcama, el Ba~O Y beyond, too? Mas allatambien? >> Let me => asyou a question. Yoa reasnae . Pdthk wer O >>dejeme => preguntarle Una pregunta. Said , F e s of1 O "Hey, De ta las => O do you N Y >ont ow I'm starting to K that, ustediea Aia?O => cf1 Ty enndpara pens yeah. Eso, si. >> No, I walked over in => those >>no, camine en esos underpants, man, going "baby => calzoncillos, mbre, "Bebe que s go." => => at 32 minutes 30 seconds => [ Laughter ] Iba, Vamos." And she pulls out the scrabble Y => Ella saca nsejo scrabble, board, and here I am. Y aqui estoy. => Nt Gray over ts. Fui gris sobre esto. Are you kidding? Usted => bromea? >>Ay: who broke up with whom? >>Jay: con quien separo => quien? I me, who wanted to -- >> there was nothing to break => up. Iero decir, que quiso -- nunca consegui cerca I never got => near anywhere. Dondequiera. >> Jay: a sniff? [ Cheers and => applause ] >>Jay: Un Oler? Whoa, this is very freudian. Wao, => Este es freudian. Lie down mentira abajo. Lie down on the => couch. Mentira abajo en esofa. >> I tnkill. >>Pienso . I say => this metaphoricay, If digo esto phorically, si you get the => drift. Usted consigue el arrastra >> Jay: no, but I know, and => >>Jay: no,ero conozco Le, Y a I know you, and I would imagin => a me Le conozco, yo nos back then >> ie got to tell you => imaginariamos ats entonces -- something. >>Tengo para decirle => algo. Nestly, the challenge of this honestamente, el desaf De => woman. Esta mujer. Ella es asi inteligente, a she's so smart, => by the way. You know, if they hooked Google's video search up to Altavista's Babelfish, they'd have something that would entertain nerds for hours, especially if John Cleese read the results aloud. -- K. Or William Shatner. Either one, they're interchangeable now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cabinets (was: something other than cabinets) Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2005 23:42:17 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > So are these "base cabinets" used to support some kind of > > tabletop? I am not familiar with the use of other port-drinking > > surfaces. But I am wondering if you could arrange to have at > > each corner a lower cabinet than the one at the next corner to > > the right, in the style of an Escher picture, so that you could > > mount your decanter on a set of wheels and have it pass itself to > > the left without need of human intervention. > > The usual way to do these base cabinets is to have a counter top set > upon them. However, it will no doubt be several more months of > buttcrack asshat madcap adventure before that is accomplished. > Counter top surfaces generally prefer matched up and level surfaces to > sit on, so the not matching up is combining with the general lazy ass > and head up the assedness of the cabinet people to delay things > interminably. I don't know about this Escher cabinet idea. Sounds > like something that would attract a bunch of nerds to come hang out in > my kitchen looking to be fed and entertained and stuff. Hey, cool, let me know when you get the cabinets and nerds installed because I want to come over and point at both of them and laugh. I love Escher, but I'm tired of seeing the same three or four prints over and over. The guy did a lot of purty pictures and they're all good, but 75% of the time when someone has an Escher print on their wall it's "Relativity" or "Metamorphosis" or "Ascending and Descending". What's wrong with the ones with the scary planaria? Everybody enjoys cross-eyed flatworms! If you do go with the Escher cabinets, you might consider deforming each of them non-destructively (through the awesome power of wood-warping) so that each of your cabinets encloses the one to its right, all the way around the room until the first cabinet contains itself, so that you can have lots of fun trying to figure out how to get your food out of the intransigently intransitive cabinets. You could use them to store your intransitive dice. Suppose you have three six-sided dice, with these numbers on the faces: die A: 6 3 3 3 3 3 die B: 5 5 5 2 2 2 die C: 4 4 4 4 4 1 If you were to roll A and B, A would beat B most of the time. And B would beat C most of the time. But C beats A most of the time! The spots on each die add up to 21, just like any other die, giving each of the three dice the same average value (3.5) but... A beats B 58% of the time, B beats C 58% of the time, and yet C beats A a whopping 69% of the time. It's mathenoxiously disturbifying! And of course while it would be physically impossible to make each of your cabinets completely contain the next one in the loop, you could do like the dice and make the first cabinet contain at least 51% of the second one, which would contain 51% of the third one, which would contain 51% of the fourth one, which would contain 51% of the first one, so while this construction would not be impossible, still, most of the time when you stuck your arm in instead of coming out with a can of beans you'd be sucked into eternal oblivion in Dimension X, where X is a number simultaneously greater than 11 but less than 7. The casinos there suck. -- K. I hear Gary Gygax once invented an eleven-sided die, but it was a failure because nobody wanted to play with a die where all eleven faces said "YOU'RE A DORK." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cabinets (was: something other than cabinets) Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2005 01:00:16 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hear Gary Gygax once invented an eleven-sided die, > > but it was a failure because nobody wanted to play with a die > > where all eleven faces said "YOU'RE A DORK." > > does it make me nerdier than you to say "it's LOU ZOCCHI, not GARY GYGAX!"? Yes, because I don't know who that is or whether you get free Crazy Bread with every order of louzocchi. Oh, wait! You mean the guy who developed the hundred-sided Zocchihedral dice! I met him once, and you're still the biggest nerd in this sentence. By the way, who's Gary Gygax? Is he just Wil Wheaton with different initials? Or was that Hugh Hefner? I'm confused by your extreme nerdiness. -- K. I bet you get your salsa from NEW YORK CITY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Editorial columnist discovers "fudge" is funny, but misses "nougat" Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:55:50 -0500 Short shameful confession: Last night I watched the classic Japanese light comedy film "Giants and Toys", which is about the bitter rivalry between three caramel companies (one of which hires an untalented teenage girl with bad teeth to be their spokesperson, mainly because she sticks out her tongue a lot) and every time they said "caramel" (actually "karameru") I thought, "You know, fudge and nougat are much funnier than caramel. To say nothing of the holy nougatine." Anyway, here's the only CBS News article I've ever seen which uses the word "fudge" this many times. [www.cbsnews.com] -> -> Let Granny Eat Grass -> -> WASHINGTON, Jan. 27, 2005 -> This column from The American Prospect was written by Charles P. Pierce. -> -> I'm following with some interest the argument about which -> adjective we're going to hang on the president's plans for -> Social Security. (I have yet to hear from the White House -> communications shop on my suggestion -- "The Let Granny Eat -> Grass Act Of 2005" -- and, I confess, I am not optimistic.) -> It appears that we journalists are failing in our important -> role as constitutionally sanctioned conveyor belts if we -> refer to the administration's schemes as "private accounts," -> now that all the people who believe in such accounts, like -> the president, have decided that they will use the word -> "personal" instead. Which also means that the words I've come -> to use to describe the notion -- "rat holes," say, or -> "Enron-bait" -- also are right out. So then Captain Joseph Hazelwood crashed the Enron Valdez into Drexel, Burnham, and Orson Welles, and... may the bluebird of happiness deposit nougat in your ear canal. Thank you, thank you, thank you, this has been A Moment With Johnny Carson. He was universally beloved, just like Bob Hope, because he was always funny, just like Bob Hope, and he was never mean, just like Bob Hope. -> I heard this argument just the other day from Frank Luntz, -> who is famous for getting groups to say what he wants them to -> say by locking them in a room in Secaucus with nothing but a -> cheese platter and his own sunny presence. Frankly, I don't -> know why he hasn't been hauled away to The Hague for doing -> this, but that is not for small minds to ponder. Anyway, on -> the radio the other day, Luntz pointed out that anyone who -> still uses the word "private" in reference to the president's -> Social Security initiative is betraying a bias against the -> plan solely because the president is calling the proposed -> accounts "personal accounts" now and, therefore, we all -> should do so, too. Also, anyone who uses the words "privates" to refer to the crotch of any reporter who goes along with Presidential cabinet requests to modify the English language should instead say "dickless". -> The two words are hardly interchangeable. To get personal is -> almost always to violate privacy. Everything that is private -> is personal, but not everything personal is private, as -> Madonna once explained to Aristotle. But what about Joan Collins? That woman sleeps with everyone! And then there was the time Orson Welles slept with Twiggy and... May the great bird of nougatine peck your eyeball during a Metallica concert. Wait, did Johnny Carson even know what a Metallica concert was? Better make it The Beatles. -> For example, privates are always personal, but personals are -> not always private. Some of them come with Post Office boxes -> and advertise in America's finest alternative newspapers. Those are great for those times you want to date someone who's never heard of the Internet. -> And, anyway, this is a startling development on a lot of levels. -> I believe it bestows on the president a power undreamed of by -> our Founding Fathers -- or, for that matter, by the Marx Brothers. I heard that the Marx brothers -- Drexel, Burnham, and Lambert -- were in a boat with Raquel Welch and... aw, hell with it, Carson's dead enough for me now. -> (It is legend now that the president regularly calls Karl -> Rove "Turd Blossom." I think that would have been a more -> appropriate test of the new power that Luntz says is inherent -> in the presidency than this whole personal-private wrangle. -> Editors at The New York Times, please take note.) -> -> I mean, if the president decides to refer to his vice -> president as "Trigger," or "Cheetah," or "Charlize Theron," -> does that mean everyone has to do it? I'm no -> mass-communications expert, but I'm reasonably sure that a -> caption beneath a picture of Dick Cheney in high snarl that -> reads "Vice President Charlize Theron meets with reporters" -> isn't going to do a lot for the tattered credibility of my -> profession. Frankly, I don't think folks are going to believe -> us. OK, maybe the Podhoretz boys will, but you get the point. I don't know what a Podhoretz is, but it sounds like something that would be topped with sour cream. Otherwise, yes, we've _all_ seen the photos of Dick Cheney in the frilly pink panties. Sure, a lot of people don't know they've seen those photos, but trust me, he was wearing panties under his suit all right. And then there were those photos of Bush during the debates, where he had a mysterious rectangular hunchback under his jacket. I wonder what his name was? -> Back when I was a full-time sportswriter, I used to have to -> spend a month every year driving around that part of Florida -> we like to call Lower Mississippi in order to visit the -> various baseball training camps. I was always struck by a -> huge sign along the road from Winter Haven to Orlando that -> advertised "Goat Milk Fudge!" I mean, they seemed so proud. -> At first, I thought it was some strange, local exclamation -- -> to wit, "Goat Milk Fudge, Mother, don't that gator look like -> Uncle Dud?" It turned out that it was exactly what was advertised: -> fudge made with goat's milk. It wasn't bad, either. -> -> Now, just suppose that, next week, Luntz manages to shanghai -> the usual suspects into his customary dungeon in the -> Anastasia Room of the Nolo Contendere Hilton. I don't get it. They have a Hilton in Shanghai now? -> Desperate to be released, and with the tiny cubes of cheddar -> dwindling to a tiny handful, the poor inmates decide to tell -> Luntz anything in the hope that it will speed their release. -> So 70 percent of them say that they would be more in favor -> of the president's plan if, instead of being called private -> accounts, those elements were called Goat Milk Fudge. Luntz -> duly types this up and runs it back to the White House, where -> the president's communications gurus blast-fax the new -> talking points to thousands of tiny Hannities across this -> great land. -> -> Very soon, it is made clear to the major media that they will -> be demonstrating actual bias if they do not refer to the most -> important element of the president's Social Security proposal -> as Goat Milk Fudge. No personal accounts. No private -> accounts. Just Goat Milk Fudge. Nuh-uh. No way am I putting my money into that. I'm holding out for a nougatine account. And not goat milk nougatine, either. -> As in: "The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office yesterday -> expressed doubt about the Goat Milk Fudge that is an -> essential part of President Bush's ambitious attempt to -> overhaul Social Security." -> -> Or, "Republican congressional leaders yesterday accused House -> Democrats of unwarranted partisanship in regards to the Goat -> Milk Fudge section of President Bush's Social Security plan. -> House Majority Leader Tom DeLay angrily accused the Democrats -> of 'playing politics with the freedom of young Americans to -> put their own money in Goat Milk Fudge and watch it grow.'" "Help! My money's been sucked into fudge!" -> Or, "Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman yesterday announced -> himself willing to work with the White House on what he -> called 'responsible proposals, including Goat Milk Fudge,' -> but declined to endorse Goat Milk Fudge that derived from -> existing benefits." Somehow, I bet Joe Lieberman would find a way to make even the word "fudge" sound boring. Either that or he'd just want to forbid me from ever saying a dirty word like "fudge" on the American Internet. -> The fact that it's easy to do doesn't mean we should do it. -> We are, after all, professional political journalists, and -> when we say private, by God, we mean private. -> -> Ken Starr taught us that one. Who? Oh, right, one of the Beatles. Their music is so loud! (How loud is it?) It's so loud, that Ken Starr wears a second pair of earmuffs on his BLANK. (Brett Somers finishes writing Johnny Carson's final joke.) -- K. May the bluebird of fudginess look up your account. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese DVDs confuse me Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 17:38:22 -0500 So I found an import of "Battle Royale" (1-disc edition -- and the live- action one, not the cartoon one) at one of my local stores, and of course I bought it, but then after I got home I noticed the back of the box had "PAL" buried in tiny little letters where normally it would say "NTSC". For once I had picked up a disc without reading through all the little icons on the back and had wound up with an import from England instead of Japan! I felt bad. Then I figured I might as well see what would happen if I put it into my DVD player anyway. I have a high-end Sony player (progressive scan and all that) but a cheap NTSC-only TV so I was curious as to in what way it would fail. It played fine! I felt good. Then when I took the disc out I noticed that the disc itself was marked "NTSC Edition". The box had lied! I felt bad. So, I still don't know what happens if I put a PAL DVD into my player. I feel a vague ennui. -- K. I also bought a Japanese import of Miike's "Blues Harp" but passed over an import of "Rainy Dog" because I couldn't remember which part of the Black Society Trilogy it is and didn't want to watch the violence out of sequence. I demand sequential violence! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese DVDs confuse me Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:42:00 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I found an import of "Battle Royale" (1-disc edition -- and the > > live- action one, not the cartoon one) at one of my local stores, and > > of course I bought it, but then after I got home I noticed the back of > > the box had "PAL" buried in tiny little letters where normally it > > would say "NTSC". For once I had picked up a disc without reading > > through all the little icons on the back and had wound up with an > > import from England instead of Japan! I felt bad. > > Our manly Austrian PAL TV's with their 625 scan lines laugh at your puny > 525 scan lines on NTSC! HA! HA! HA! (Even if it just means we get more > black at the top and bottom of the picture - it's like watching a movie > through the mail slot on a small TV.) > > Also, since the newer Austrian PAL TV's can play NTSC DVDs fine, why > can't yours play PAL discs? Americal TVs are locked to our manly 60-cycle power grid. Very few American TVs can play anything but NTSC, simply because there's no need -- anything available in PAL down there has already been available to us in NTSC for about a year before you get it. Try creating your own film and TV industry and then make something that's good enough that Americans will want to watch it if you want us to worry about needing PAL TVs. That's why Japan uses NTSC, because Americans consider some of their stuff worth watching, unlike anything from, say, Botswana, Uruguay, or Australia. Also, NTSC is better than PAL _because_ it has fewer scan lines. -- K. South Korea uses NTSC, North Korea uses PAL, so if you have a multi-system TV you're a Com-symp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500 Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101 tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then don't do any of these! [www.megastar.co.uk] -> -> Not got a date this Valentines? Here's why. You haven't used -> any (or all) of MegaStar's 101 Ways to Get a Slap, otherwise -> known as the 101 Best-Ever Chat-Up Lines since the Last 101 -> Were Printed. -> -> Take stock of this huge stack of cheeky chat-up lines - of -> varying styles, effectiveness and degrees of corniness - for -> Valentines Day. -> -> Try at your own risk: Can I do snappy comebacks for all 101 before I get bored? Let's find out! -> "God must have been in a very good mood the day we met." "And now God's going to enjoy seeing me punch you." -> "Congratulations! You've been voted 'Most Beautiful Girl In -> This Room' and the grand prize is a night with me!" "So second prize is two nights with you?" -> "Hi. You'll do." Hmm, I might respond well to that one. -> "I hope we are laughing together this time next year." "Tell you what. No matter where you happen to be, I promise I'll be laughing at you." -> "All those curves, and me with no brakes." "Wait, there's no 'k' in 'branes'." -> "Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and -> sop you up with a biscuit!" I'm sorry, that line is so pathetic that no comeback is needed. -> "Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?" "No." (Pickup lines for losers should not take the form of yes-or-no questions. They should take the form of questions that are impossible to answer without accidentally having sex.) -> "Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth, quick!" "Everyone knows you don't give mouth-to-mouth when someone's choking. Let me get my giant rectal speculum." -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to -> make a goddess." "Were your parents cousins?" -> "Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I -> borrow yours?" "No." See how easy this is when they use yes-or-no questions? -> "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!" "I'm sorry, I don't want to see your little Pebbles." -> "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?" "And do you want to be buried or cremated?" -> "Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?" "Are you asking me out just so you can double your wardrobe?" -> "You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?" That might work on me, provided I've remembered to bring my handcuffs to the bar that night. -> "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you." "Really? The only voice I hear in my head is some loser trying to pick me up." -> "Come back to my place and if you don't like it, I swear I'll -> give you a full refund." "Tell you what. Let me double your IQ. I'll slap your face, and that'll make it smart, or double no money back." -> "That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor." "Those are nice eyes, my parrot would love them." -> "Have you ever played leap frog naked?" Again, too pathetic for a comeback. It's the sort of line where you'd just give the other person a combination withering-glare-of- malice-combined-with-pity-for-the-idiot-who-tried-that-on-you. I call that look my "expression 3A". -> "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep -> until the afternoon." "And if you try anything with me, you'll sleep forever. Just like Grandma. By the way, hope you don't mind sharing the attic with what's left of her." -> "Will you marry me for just one night?" "Well, I am a legally ordained minister of Scientology, so, sure, just give me the five thousand dollar honorarium and sign this contract willing your eternal soul to L. Ron, and I'll have you married to Kirstie Alley in no time." -> "There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like -> one more?" "How would you like 265 more, after I break each in half?" -> "Picture this, you, me, bubble bath and a bottle of -> champagne." "Picture this, you me, handcuffs, and a big vial of date-rape drugs." -> "So darling, want to see why the girls call me tri-pod?" "Why, are you the one who always has to stay in the very back during weddings?" -> "Lie down. I think I love you." "Lie down. I think I'm gonna throw up." -> "I've not had sex in two years. No matter what you did, kiss -> me all over, dance for me, or wear provocative outfits, I -> would not give in. Want to test me?" "Sorry, I don't have sex with losers who pretend they're lying about never having sex who actually will never have sex." -> "Excuse me, do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want -> one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you." "Here's a cigarette, now fuck off." -> "You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together -> sometime." "Too late, you're already putting me to sleep. YAWN!" -> "Do you want to see the soles of your feet in the wing -> mirrors of my car?" "Do you want to see up your own rectum when I pull out one of your eyes and shove it up your ass before giving the other to my parrot? Gee, I'm sorry, that was kind of dark, but let's move beyond that so we can go back to my place and I can cut you up with a chainsaw." -> "Hello, do you like fat guys with no money?" "No, I like money with no fat guys." -> "Can I add a branch to your family tree?" "Sorry, we already have a knothead." -> "Football players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different -> positions. Just thought you should know that." "Sorry, we already have a knothead. I mean, it's too bad you're a football player. Because I'm a hockey player, and we do it until the other person has blood streaming down their face from where our skates cut them. Hey, do you have a razor blade?" -> "Didn't you go to ********* primary school?" "Didn't you go to The School For The Extremely Retarded?" -> "I'm going to try and chat you up. If nothing else, it'll -> give you a good laugh." "And now you've failed at that, too." -> "I may not be the best looking bloke/girl, but I'm the only -> one here talking to you." "But at least I'm not the only one here who thinks you're ugly." -> "Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the -> beautiful smile." "Hey, don't I know you? Knothead from The School For The Extremely Retarded?" -> "Wow, are those real?" (pointing to his brain) "Hey, is that real? Or is it kapok?" -> "Are you wearing mirrored pants? Cos I can see myself in them -> tonight." "Do these pants make you look stupid?" -> "Cor, babe, you've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon!" "I'm sorry, he doesn't do penis extensions." -> "Hi, my name is ****, how do you like me so far?" "I feel an intense, passionate hated for you which grows without bound during every passing second you fruitlessly hope to score with me." -> "If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it -> for me?" "You could wear it on your way home." -> "I'm Welsh. Do you have any Welsh in you? Would you like -> some?" "You're Welsh? I'm sober. Get lost." -> "If I pet you, would you follow me home?" "But it's such a long walk to The Home For The Terminally Lame." -> "Haven't we met, I hardly recognise you with your clothes on?" "And now you're _never_ going to recognize me." -> "Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It's just like a -> French kiss, but down under." "Sure, but first, let me give you a Hawaiian punch." -> "I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them -> right now, they're out in the car." "But how will Mrs. Idiot feel about that?" -> "I hope you know first aid, because you take my breath away!" "Sure, let me get out my giant rectal speculum... Aw, shoot, some other asshole's got it." -> "I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of -> heaven." This is another one which is so lame that it deserves no snappy comeback about him going to heaven to be best friends with Michael Landon. -> "You look really hot! You must be the real reason for global -> warming." "Stop trying to blame it on me, fartman." -> "Are those space pants? Because your bum looks out of this -> world!" "It's too bad your crotch isn't a little meteor." (The only problem with that one is that you'd have to spell out the "meatier"/"meteor" pun for the drunk, and then you'd feel like "Highlights For Drunk Children", and it would all be a colossal waste of time, so you should just say, "Yes, these are space pants, PUNY HUMAN!" and then zap him with your death ray.) -> "I am a magical being, take off your bra." "I am a magical being, grow a penis." -> "I've just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant -> by Christmas." "That's too slow, because I can have you whacked by tomorrow." -> "I feel like Richard Gere and I'm standing next to you, the -> Pretty Woman." "And by a bizarre coincidence, I happen to have brought a gerbil for you." -> "Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written -> all over you." "Are you illegally parked? 'Cause you're about to get the boot." -> "If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!" "But if I slept with you, I could plead not guilty by reason of insanity." -> "Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to -> sit on it." That's is another one which is too lame to be worthy of a comeback, as with any other pick-up line beginning with "Your ass is..." -> "Wow, this is amazing, this is the first time every one of my -> 32 personalities found you cute!" "And this is the first time all 32 are going to get slapped in alphabetical order." -> "When God made you, he was showing off." "And when God made you, he was jerking off." -> "Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them -> in your thighs?" "And did he steal the brains from your cranium and put them in a pink geranium?" -> "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by -> again?" "Sorry, I'm blind to idiots." -> "I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates -> me a little." That one would definitely work on me, again provided I had the handcuffs. -> "Excuse me, do you live around here often?" I really don't know how to respond to something that lame. Maybe I'd just do a breakdance while making farting noises with my armpits. -> "Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me -> down. Go ahead say no." "Here, let me hold your hand... okay, go ahead say 'uncle'." -> "Would you like to see me naked?" "Yes, being eaten alive by wolves." -> "I'm not trying anything on, I always put my hands there." I don't even follow the logic of whatever that one was. I guess I'm just not dumb enough to understand these pick-up lines. -> "Hello, here's 20 quid. Drink until I am really good looking, -> then come to talk to me." "Then you'd better leave me all your credit cards." -> "Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?" "Your lips look so lonely. Let me introduce you to five friends of mine..." (*socko*) -> "Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?" "I don't know, I think _I'm_ too tall for that." -> "Your legs must be tired because you've been running through -> my mind all night." "Yeah, and now they'll be kicking you in the crotch all night." -> "Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" "Oh, it'll cost you, all right... it'll cost you your IMMORTAL SOUL!" -> "I'm on top of things in my life. Would you like to be one -> of them?" "I like to take life by the horns. Gimme the one from your tricycle." -> "Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 -> inches and it isn't floppy." "Let me get this straight. You're trying to pick me up by telling me you're not only a nerd, you're not even 3.5 inches? You've got some balls bragging about how dickless you are." -> "You make my software turn to hardware!" "And now, prepare to experience dumpware." -> "Shhh - I'm a spy. Are you Natasha, my contact?" "No, here's your contact--" (poke him in the eye) -> "Are you busy tonight at 3am, baby?" "Are you going to cry if I turn you down, baby?" -> "I'm not drunk...I'm just intoxicated by you." "Yeah, you're positively stupefied." -> "I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went -> to this cheap hotel room." "Well, at least he'll be having sex even though you won't." -> "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes." "Let's see... oh, yes, I do have a map of Losertown... population... (dramatic pause, whip out a Casio keyboard to play three notes) Y! O! U!" -> "Are you a goddess. Then why do I want to kneel before you?" That's another one which would work on me, except for the "goddess" part. -> "Hey gorgeous, you must be a light switch, cos every time I -> see you, you turn me on!" "What an embarrassing attempt. And now you're getting flushed." -> "Fancy a drink and some lovemaking?" If the answer is no, -> reply: "What, you don't drink?" "So, you don't have any idea what would happen if someday someone says 'yes', eh?" -> "You know, you might be asked to leave this place soon. -> You're making the other women look really bad." "It would be a shame if I had to leave, because suddenly you're making all these other guys look really handsome." -> "When they made the alphabet they should have put U and I -> together." "Why don't you go put F and U up your ass?" -> "I think I can die happy now, 'cause I've just seen a piece -> of heaven." RERUN DETECTED -- INITIATE RECORDED RESPONSE INSTEAD OF MY USUAL SNAPPY OFF-THE-CUFF WITTICISM -> "I've been hoping to talk to you all night." "And I hope you never stop hoping." -> "My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love." (assuming it's a man hitting on a woman:) "Really? Looks more like they're turning gay from so many strikeouts." -> "If I follow you home, will you keep me?" Again, handcuffs. -> "Do you have a plaster? Because I grazed my knee when I fell -> for you, just now." Again, giant rectal speculum. -> "If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!" "No you wouldn't, because I'm 100% idiot-proof." -> "Inheriting 80 million quid doesn't mean much when you have -> a weak heart." "Especially because all the money in the world can't buy you a personality." -> "I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for a -> religious experience." Again, Scientology, maybe with handcuffs. -> "So, do you like fat guys with no money?" Again, rerun. -> "You're ugly but you intrigue me." "Really? 'Cause you're even uglier but you bore me." -> Lick your finger, wiping it on the girl's t-shirt and say: -> "Let's get you out of these wet clothes." That one's so pathetic it calls for a Bugs Bunny response, probably involving sticking dynamite into his ears. -> "I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me -> down. Do you fancy a date?" "No, no, no!!! That's odd, I'm still unsatisfied. Let me do it some more: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe... naah, definitely not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no!!! Now fuck off, I'm now satisfied... that you're a loser." -> "Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice -> set of buns." "Yeah, and it's sure better than your tiny little salted nut roll." -> "Your eyes are like spanners... every time you look at me my -> nuts tighten!" That one's kind of clever, even if it's written in British English and not Regular English. -> "OK, which chat-up lines haven't you heard yet?" "The good ones." -> "Did the sun just come out, or is it your smile that's -> lighting up the room?" "And does it smell like maple syrup in here, or is it you that's making the room sappy? And by the way, the sun's _outdoors_, Einstein." -> "Live in my heart and pay no rent!" "I'm sorry, it's too small... well, given a choice between living in your heart or your brain, I'd better go with the heart." -> "I don't know you, but I think I love you already." "Really? 'Cause I don't know you, but I hate you already." -> "You must be a broom - you've swept me off my feet!" "And you must be a vacuum cleaner, 'cause you suck." Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW? -- K. This article wasted two hours of my valuable time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:00:29 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) writes: > > > > Well, no. I've lost relatives and friends to cancer, but as far as I can > > tell, it's no more horrific (or funny or whatever) than any other cause > > of death. Why are some fatalities funny and others not? > > We used to have a meme about this, if I recall. Cancer was officially > Not Funny, and someone specifically was very concerned about cancer's > intense unfunniness. Or at least we accused Someone Specific of being all > concerned, whether they were or not. I'm concerned that all this attention being given to cancer causes people to neglect research into the hilarity of other diseases such as AIDS and diabetes and leprosy and quadriplegia and crotch rot. I think that with the proper PR campaign, flesh-eating bacteria could be made hilarious. Expect to see the American Flesh-Eating Bacteria Council putting up posters on the sides of buses with catchy slogans like "Try A Full-Body Flesh-Eating Bacterial Infection, It'll Grow On You!" > Somewhat in response to this, I made a comment that death was always a > laugh riot. A real hootenanny. Fun bar none. If one death could be made > fun of, then by Kibo ALL of them could be, said I. You're right, it would be funny if everyone died! As Archimedes once said, I'll prove omnicide is hilarious if you give me a lever that will blow up the Earth. > Of course, since then I've had to deal with some deaths which were > extremely difficult. That took the sarcastic wind out of my sails pretty > quick. I may not find death funny in even a sarcastic, obnoxious way, but > others do. That's OK. I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. Just because I will find my own death incredibly hilarious (especially if it occurs while having sex in outer space) doesn't mean you're under any obligation to. You can be happy or sad or just donate my corpse to Harvard Medical School to desecrate during a fraternity prank. And if my death makes you angry, you can pound clay. If my death delights you, you can open your window and stick your head out and say "YAY! KIBO DIED AND THAT MAKES TODAY SO SPECIAL THAT I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HAVE AN EXTRA BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR WITH DOUBLE ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE WHO ISN'T KIBO!" And if you want to bury me in a pyramid with hundreds of slaves I can take to the afterlife, that's okay too, especially because slave snuff is funny because of alliteration. It's so hilarious that the first time I typed this, it actually came out "snave sluff is funny" and you gotta admit, snave sluff isn't merely funny, it's absowacky. -- K. Also, the phrase "Communist midget" is funny, even though I'm not a midget and therefore not a Communist. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:42:56 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, > > when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because > > Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. Just because I will find > > my own death incredibly hilarious (especially if it occurs while having > > sex in outer space) doesn't mean you're under any obligation to. > > Excellent, because I've got a hundred bucks that your cause of death > will be 6263, Asphyxia, Erotic, Not Otherwise Specified, and it pays > out at something around 50 to 1. Sorry, don't think so. But is there a category for "Hot Sauce Overdose"? > [...] > > You should be able to set up a legal arrangement where your body is > donated via post to some stranger chosen at random. I think it would be funnier if I just died in some random person's home. If I ever have a terminal illness, I'll try that, but the timing might be difficult. Especially if the randomly-chosen person lives in the White House. Hey, it _could_ happen. 'Course, with my luck, the computer would randomly choose a mortician. And that would be a boring person to die around. Morticians are boring! -- K. And accountants are creepy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:49:26 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, > > when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because > > Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. > > I'm going to commemorate your death by saying 'I'm going to eat this > grilled cheese sandwich with Hello Kitty burned into it because Dead > Kibo would have wanted it that way!' Well, then, I'll just have to never die. I'm going to become immortal, out of hatred of cheese. Which doctor should I see about that? I know about the secret treatments that make people immortal, but none of the clinics I tried would let me put down "for hatred of cheese" as the excuse. They kept wanting me to choose "insane supervillain" but I'm not insane. Also, if I do die, when you try that little stunt, don't be surprised if I still find a way to burn myself into your bread. -- K. I can burn _anything_. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 00:33:32 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > My friend Janice and I once put our branes together to think up the > worst possible pickup line of all time. > > The worst we could think up was, "I'm writing a children's book > about three bottles of lotion that live in my car." You're really not any good at being a loser. I'm sure I can think of a far more awful pick-up line than you could. Off the top of my head: "I haven't gone to the bathroom in three weeks and I want to touch your hamburger!" "Do you have a cigarette I can shove into your eyeball so I can sing that Gilbert & Sullivan song about the guy who shoved the lit cigarette into the ugly chick's eyeball?" "I'm reading a children's book about three bottles of lotion that live in my car. I'm almost up to the part about Grandma's wattle." "Which 'Three Stooges' haircut should I give you?" "I keep my enemies list written on a caterpillar and if you try to squish him I'll help him lay eggs in your brain!" "Hello, I invented vomiting. Worship me!" > I suppose that in some mass-murdering scary clown dimension, people > hear that one all the time. It's not a dimension, it's a suburb. Why do you think the locals call it "Braintree"? -- K. So do tell me the entire plot of your children's book. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:58:10 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > What merficfully little I remember of dating many years ago is comprised > of the following pickup lines: > > "Yo momma,what's happening"? > "What's your sign"? > "Hey foxy lady,wanna do a line"? > "My old lady's cool with me seeing other chicks". "What's your sign?" is the sort of pick-up line where you can tell they're pretty dim if they don't realize you've already heard it often enough to think up a witty rejoinder such as "DO NOT ENTER" or "STOP CASTING POROSITY". > One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at > some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants > and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel,usually silk,and a chest so > covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the > jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket(how could I have > forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro in the > nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon,the revolving disco > ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers thumped and > wailed in the background,receeding rapidly as I turned and ran away in terror > with the firm belief that being a young widow working two jobs and going to > school was the only recreation I should be attempting. > It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single again, > unless dating has changed a great_ deal in the past 20 or so years, > I'll not be trying it again. > > I blame John Travolta. Is he also the reason your line-wrapping is so... bumpy? Here, let me have a go at your right margin with my bare hands -- AND IF THAT ISN'T THE WORLD'S GREATEST PICK-UP LINE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, usually silk, and a chest so covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket (how could I have forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro in the nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon, the revolving disco ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers thumped and wailed in the background, receeding rapidly as I turned and ran away in terror with the firm belief that being a young widow working two jobs and going to school was the only recreation I should be attempting. It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single again, unless dating has changed a _great_ deal in the past 20 or so years, I'll not be trying it again. Isn't that more pleasing to the eyes? It's not a great rag, but still at least now I can read it without suffering whatever sort of pain an overly-ragged margin might cause if it could. As far as silk goes, I recently discovered the incredible usefulness of silk thermal underwear (in black, of course.) It weighs practically nothing but with a layer of that under my T-shirt and leather, I can survive the subzero wind chill here just fine. I got the silk thermals from one of my hunting-supply catalogs. Apparently hunters like to kill things while experiencing silky snug comfort. And now that I have this silk thermal underwear, I understand why all women love wearing pantyhose. Of course, my underwear's better, because instead of being made from petrochemicals it's made from caterpillar poop. -- K. Everything I wear is an animal product, assuming that you consider caterpillars to be real animals just like the far tastier cows and pigs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:46:25 -0500 Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (paracelsus@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [bad British pick-up line] > > > -> > > > -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to > > > -> make a goddess." > > > > There are biological, theological, and historical problems with > > this one. > > I agree, and I furthermore demand a do-over from Kibo on this one. You are in no position to demand anything, you no-candy-giver you. Gimme candy. Then ask politely. In any case, that pickup line could use a little editing. Shorter is usually better, so if it were cut down to just "Hello, I'm gay!" would work on a lot of women who like to try to convert them. Sheesh, these women and their secret heterosexual unrecruiting agenda. -- K. But bear in mind that in Britain, a "fag" is just a cigarette, and a "fag hag" is just Princess Di. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:24:04 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated > > and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve > > TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW? > > After Valentine's day, please to be posting jpegs of the facial and > genital damages resulting from use of the chatup lines. > > Also pictures of the result of running amok with the chainsaw. Oh, I don't really want to hurt anyone with a chainsaw. > > This article wasted two > > hours of my valuable time. > > Well, two hours of your time anyway. And to add to the tragedy, > 3 minutes of mine. SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!! -- K. (Need a haircut?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:45:17 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!! > > Oh, no need. A butter knife will suffice for cutting open the bagel. You have mistaken alt.religion.kibology for "Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine". Please to be taking your butter-knife porn over there, pervert. > > (Need a haircut?) > > Actually, I will in another week. Thanks for reminding me to make an > appointment with my extremely hot (think Letitia Casta) french coiffeuse. You misspelled "Letitia Baldridge", Rex. And hey, nice cameo in the director's cut of "Superman: The Movie". -- K. Does anyone even know what the hell I ever talk about any more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:04:35 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My first experience with awful pickup lines came when I was a shy > teenager working at a bakery. The manager went to the bagel shop next > door and brought back a lemonade for me. When I asked him how much I > owed him, he said, "Just a kiss." My immediate response was, "And if > I'd rather pay in cash?" "DEN ITZA HUNNERD DOLLAS ANNA KISS, BITCH!" One of the things straight guys just don't get to experience is people hitting on them in these crude ways which suggest the hitter believes he's entitled to whatever he wants. Women get that all over the place, and it happens in gay bars near closing time, but if there's a place where sleazy women are hitting on straight men in that manner (outside of "Laverne & Shirley" reruns), I want to know about it so I can go spy on them. I want to witness the dramatic internal battle between the "MUST HAVE SEX" half of the guy's brain and the "SHE'S A SKANK" half. Actually, I think in most guys it's more like 75/25. Anyway, it would be funny to watch guys trying to come up with snappy comebacks. They'd probably mostly be along the lines of "Guh? My name Steven. I'm beer!" My current favorite guy/girl interaction to watch, since I can't see the above, is when a guy tows his girlfriend into the porno store to pick out some guy porn for the two of them to watch so that he can more effectively please her, or whatever. The tolerantly bemusedly disgusted look on her face, and him displaying the false bravado of "Hey, look! I'm in your porno store yet again, but this time I'm going to have ACTUAL SEX with a LIVING WOMAN! But first, some porn!" My previous favorite was the shots of the camera panning across the studio audience of "The Bucky Lewis Show" on Channel 50 in New Hampshire. Hooting frat boys and their girlfriends, who were all rolling their eyes in disbelief at how awful an experience "The Bucky Lewis Show" was. (Oddly, during the last year he was on the air, the studio audience changed from frat boys on disastrous dates to mostly very fat people. My hypothesis is that they must have taped his show back-to-back with a griddle infomercial.) > My fellow counter worker, who had been fending off this goober's > roaming hands behind the counter in the past, called me her hero. Yes, you did good. But of course a REAL hero would have secretly followed the lusty baker to the competing bagel shop next door to make sure your doughnut already had a hole in it when he bought it. > This was the same manager who would disappear when it was time for > someone to take a lunch break but would still take the half hour out > of their paycheck even if they didn't get the break. I wish I had > known how to make a car bomb back then. Here's another idea: You could smear capsaicin all over your lips and then let the jerk kiss you, and then start talking about how burning sensations are the main symptom of a new form of herpes which is fatal unless castration occurs within twelve hours. On second thought, that's a stupid idea. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying. -- K. I suddenly have a craving for bagels and/or capsaicin. Wait a minute! I just realized that I started an extra-spicy bagel dog cooking in my oven before I read your article! I'm saved! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cancer is not funny, except in this article (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 17:24:55 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > Why are some fatalities funny and others not? I think the big question is: Why don't people just admit that _everything_ is funny _all_ the time? Like nougat. Nougat is funny! Ha ha, nougat! And William Shatner! Wow, funny! And "Baby Geniuses"! Okay, wait, not everything is funny. But the idea that some people _do_ think "Baby Geniuses" is funny is even funnier than if "Baby Geniuses" were actually funny! THE FACT THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS FUNNY IS FUNNY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FUNNY! > Why is "cancer" worse than "trampled by elephant"? I don't know, but remember the Terry Gilliam cartoon in that "Monty Python" episode about the prince who found a spot on his nose? Carol Cleveland's narration was "Foolishly he ignored it, and the next day he died of cancer," but the BBC said that "cancer" wasn't funny so they dubbed it to "gangrene", 'cause gangrene is really hilarious (especially gas gangrene), but when they dubbed it they put in a VERY LOUD man's voice over Carol Cleveland's voice so it came out "he died of !!!GANGRENE!!!" which was so inept that it went from funny ha-ha to funny strange but it was so incredibly funny strange that its strangeness was itself funny ha-ha. Funny is complicated. And complicatedness is funny. > I certainly concede that lots of people find it so; when I used to > tell them "I'm wishing cancer on you" in (obvious) jest, they > reacted as if I'd slapped them. That's cause you may not have noticed, but whenever you said that you were actually giving people Instant Face Cancer, which feels like a slap. Fortunately Instant Face Cancer wears off, otherwise you'd be in jail now for your projective cancer abilities. And by the way, if you got the ability to shoot Instant Cancer at people in the same manner that James Woods got his, please don't let David Cronenberg show us any scenes of you cramming your arm up your own vagina. > If I'd used the same intonation and timing to say "I'm wishing > you get run over by a truck" they'd just chuckle. You know, you make a good point -- the final season of the wacky sitcom "Murphy Brown" had the premise "Murphy gets breast cancer for a whole year", but if they had instead gone with "Murphy gets run over by a truck for a whole year" it might have been slightly funnier. Especially if it were a steamroller instead of a truck. > I've stopped using the phrase, since so many find it hurtful, but > when somebody first said it to me, I laughed. And that's the only reason you survived, because laughter is the best medicine! We need to find a way to make cancer really funny, so that everyone who gets cancer will laugh and laugh and get better immediately instead of having to wait for the season finale just like Murphy Brown did. > Eh. Maybe I just spent too many years depressed, but the thought of > death just doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of sliding down a > bannister made of razor blades, now THAT bothers me. Doesn't bother me. I'd even be willing to look at the pictures of you doing it. That would be very funny. -- K. Be more funny! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cancer is not funny, except in this article (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:01:55 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, you make a good point -- the final season of the wacky > > sitcom "Murphy Brown" had the premise "Murphy gets breast cancer for a > > whole year", but if they had instead gone with "Murphy gets run over > > by a truck for a whole year" it might have been slightly funnier. > > Especially if it were a steamroller instead of a truck. > > What if she had gone to a hospital where Patch Adams was pretending > to be a doctor? Well, first he'd have to go on trial and the judge would forgive him for killing that guy when he practiced medicine without a license, because the cancer kids liked his fart jokes. But that was the actual ending of that movie, and that movie gave me an intense desire to punch Robin Williams IS Patch Adams!!! in the face, and I realized that if I broken Robin Williams IS Patch Adams!!!'s skull he'd demand to go to an unlicensed doctor instead of a legitimate one, and I'd have to phone up Larry Drake, who played the hilariously retarded sadistic doctor on "St. Elsewhere" or something, I dunno, I never watched either "St. Elsewhere" or "Dr. Giggles" because I avoid anything with an abbreviation in the title except for "Dr. Strangelove" and "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T" and hey wouldn't it be funny if Dt. Strangelove and Dr. T teamed up to drop a giant atomic Air-Wick bomb on Moscow but they mistakenly blow up "Moscow On The Hudson" instead and so World War III is prevented because they killed Robin Williams? You're right, "Patch Adams" could not be made funny, even if you killed everyone associated with that movie. And boy did that movie make me want to kill lots of people. Lots of people saw that feel-good movie, and probably hundreds of random murders were committed as a result. "Patch Adams" probably had a higher death toll than most Leni Riefenstahl movies. However, if Leni had made one with Robin Williams, that would be the winner. "Robin Williams IS Hitler!!!" (Hitler's funny.) -- K. If you don't think Hitler is inherently funny, try this on a friend: Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? HITLER!!! I guarantee you they'll be happy when you Godwin out of the banana sketch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Am Going To Yurp. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:17:59 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Europe sucks -- trust me, I've been to a few small patches of it. Hey, it's good that Europe sucks. Because if it didn't, the United States would still just be buffalo and deer and bears and Indians dancing around happily in all the empty space. And I'm way too pale to be an Indian, so I'd probably wind up living in Finland, where I'd be constantly nauseated by the smell of lutefisk wafting across the Norwegian border. So it's good that Europe sucks because that means I can live in the United States and not Europe. > Everywhere sucks. Also, you start life as a microscopic nothing, and > then the decay sets in. I think the original SimCity was the only good one in the series. This new SimEurope combined with SimPlankton is even more boring than plain SimPlankton was. > But I'd hate to be thought of as a spoilsport -- it makes people pay > less attention, so the spoiling doesn't work as well. Of course it's > not very effective to begin with. Schadenfreude, like necromancy, is > inefficient. But Europe also invented schadenfreude. And if Europe didn't exist, every time someone stubbed their toe, America would come to a halt because we'd all be going "AWWWW! YOUR POOR TOE!" so I'm glad we have actual schadenfreude so that when someone stubs their toe, we all go "HAW HAW! YOUR TOE HURTS NOW!" and go back to working, but extra- efficiently because we're all happy that someone's toe broke. -- K. Also, "Europe" is a dopey name for a continent. However, "America" is such a cool name that they named _two_ continents after our country. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO'S REVENGE Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 23:08:35 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I have the hiccups. Almost always, when I get the hiccups, later the same day I get them a second time. Last week, when I had the hiccups, I didn't have the recurrence, and now I know where they went. Flawless victory through the medium of telekinetically projected time-displaced hiccups! > Rum and cokes = 1 3/4 > > How pitiful is that? Your equation has confused me. Shouldn't it add up to at least 2, given that "cokes" is plural? -- K. Here's a good cure for hiccups: Kidnap all the White Castle executives and demand they open a restaurant in Boston. Then send Kibo a $10 White Castle gift certificate. Your hiccups will then stop within 48 hours! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Current hair color report Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 23:22:19 -0500 A really bright metallic brass color -- shiny and yellowish with a tinge of gold, not really gold, but not yellow either -- for the next 24 hours, because I just bleached before I put the fluorescent orange back in. This is because the previous color -- the dark maroon/burgundy -- had faded to an unappetizing reddish-gray not unlike overcooked Canadian bacon. Anyway, tomorrow I'll be back to the traditional nuclear orange. -- K. So who won the betting pool? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another great Kibo dream. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 02:14:53 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had another set of dreams that featured Kibo and many other things. > Below are some notes I made while still 75% asleep but trying to make > sure I would remember stuff from the dream later when I actually woke > up. I couldn't actually see while I was typing this stuff, so I'm > happy it's as readable as it is. Any ideas about what this stuff > indicates about my brane? > > -> kibo make rollercoaswter from mop edger vacuum paint chemical "Yee-haw!" screamed Kibo as he crashed his custom-built mop-powered rollercoaster into Doc Edgerton. Old Doc exploded, very slowly, but all the fragments of him got sucked into a vacuum cleaner. A hazmat crew came to collect the vacuum, but instead of disposing of it they sold it to a paint and chemical company, which used the slowly vaporized Edgerton spatter as the secret ingredient in a new White Castle product Kibo didn't like. > -> football game stands move forward hit broadcast guy "What's this?" said Quarterback Kibo as he noticed something during a huddle. It was a tiny red thread sticking out of the Astroturf. He pulled a pair of tweezers out of his sock and grabbed the thread and yanked. The Astroturf bunched up and the stands on both sides of the field shot forward! The bleachers rammed each other, crushing America's Broadcast Guy, Skip Buxbaum, who was killed in such an unspeakably gruesome manner that he instantly went from being America's Broadcast Guy to a non-famous nobody! Then Kibo won the Super Bowl. > -> everybody named Al Then Kibo decreed, "EVERYBODY IS NOW NAMED AL!" and everyone in the world turned into either Al Molinaro, Al Lewis, Al Franken, or Al Berteinstein. Except for Kibo, who turned into Al Kibo, and was then whisked off to Guantanamo because he sounded too much like Al Qaeda, despite Kibo's insistence that they moved out of his apartment building three years ago. > -> writing on toy car with pen "Waah!" cried Spot, "I can't write on my toy car because it's made entirely from soft butter!" Then Kibo gave Spot an astronaut pen, the type which can even write on butter upside-down underwater on the Moon, but Spot still couldn't write on his toy car because he'd already eaten it. "Waah!" cried Spot again, always predictably repetitive. "Waah, I'm repetitive! Waah!" Then Kibo ran him over with his new rollercoaster, which was a hundred feet wide because it was made from football bleachers. > -> suoth america emmenteller?? nuke plant giant waves fast clewell > -> drivin NYC I'm going to stop trying to explain your nightmare because I don't know what a clewell is, I don't eat Emmentaller or its Latin-speaking illusionist cousin Emmenteller, and I don't drive, though I do admit I like New York City. > -> flying kibo staunton el-train > -> > -> kibo popcorn and no beer no cheese but gatorade and taking carrot sticks > -> and celery I think you meant "talking carrot sticks and celery", a reference to that rarely-seen "Doctor Who"/"Lost In Space" crossover episode where a talking carrot named Kibo ran off with Peter Davison's celery. > -> were boat girls real, also surfer, boats Also: volvox, nutria, nougatine, TiVo, Niels Bohr, clam laser, Trygve Lund, filiform contact lenses, Lardo, Schwinn, veal Picasso, Ensign Greenbean. Pit-Pat. Underpanties. Glit, glurt, bleeble, durp. Manly Bannister. Square volvox. Sweet dreams! -- K. You know those doofuses who walk around in the jeans with the weird white stains on the butt? Those are from sitting on bleachers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: thinking and doing. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:56:27 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Since this is a religion newsgroup I will ask this question here. If > thinking about doing something is as bad as doing it according to the > bible, then if you think about doing something you may as well do it > because you are in just as much trouble, right? I notice that you're thinking about thinking about doing bad things. That's even worse than actually thinking about doing them. So you're not going to go to regular Hell. No siree Bob. You're going to Special Hell, also known as Channel 54 on your dial. It's the same as regular Hell, except with a whole lot of commercials between reruns of "Walker, Texas Ranger". Television is your god now. -- K. Long live the new flesh. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women With Power Tools Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 08:16:12 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Last night I saw an advertisement for an event along these lines > that hopes to compete with the Superbowl. [...] > It's a pay per view event called "Lingerie Bowl". > Models wearing lingerie,playing football.I asked my husband how > many men he thought would tune into that instead of the game. Let's see... Super Bowl potential audience: heterosexual men who like football. Lingerie Bowl potential audience: heterosexual men who like heterosexuality. The Super Bowl's potential audience pool will be a subset of the Lingerie Bowl's potential audience, even if we factor in the several crazy conspiracy theorists who will tune in to the Super Bowl just to see if Dennis Miller will show up. > He thought there was no reason one couldn't do both and during the > boring parts of the Superbowl,use the remote to jump over > to see the pay per view event.Then,he began to speak longingly > about televisions with split screens. > > I see now that it's only a halftime event that would > fit quite nicely into the downtime during the game,but I'm not going to > tell him that. Ask him why last year's Lingerie Bowl models were wearing football pads with hockey helmets. Then suggest to him that, this year, maybe if he flips through all the channels he can find the secret other program where there are women in football helmets and hockey skates having hockey fights and being really, really cold. After halftime, after all that frustration you caused when he couldn't find the imaginary lingerie hockey fight, when he's engrossed in the Super Bowl, jump into his lap while wearing nothing but a hockey jersey. There, I just saved your marriage. I recommend the jersey of the Severstal of Cherepovets (in the Russian Hockey League) because it's got flames on it to show him how hot you are. Though you could also go with the Ak Bars of Kazan because their jersey has some sort of kitty if you want to play sex kitten. -- K. Question: Is the Lingerie Bowl the only program on TV whiter than "Seinfeld"? Not one of the chicks is ethnic in any way, shape, or form. Buncha blonde bimbos. They need at least one of those Japanese girls who can kill people with her bubble gum wad. Also, I bet Grace Jones could kick all their asses if she's still alive, and in fact she probably could even if she isn't. Oh, wait, I see, everyone on the team with the white helmets is blonde, and the evil black-helmet team has everyone who's not an Aryan. It's a shame they added this racism in order to crassly ruin the noble athletic tradition of the Lingerie Bowl. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women With Power Tools Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 17:00:20 -0500 Because I know what's important to you people, I did some additional research into the Lingerie Bowl two days ago. However, I couldn't post it until today because of Internet troubles, so I hope it doesn't ruin anything that my commentary on this three-week-old article is 48 hours old. [money.cnn.com] -> -> Lingerie Bowl is back -> -> Alternative Super Bowl halftime show set to return; backlash -> fear keeps sponsor under wraps for now. -> -> January 4, 2005: 7:49 AM EST -> -> NEW YORK (CNN/Money) -- The Lingerie Bowl is back for this -> year's Super Bowl halftime, but promoters are keeping the -> wraps on the show's sponsors, and scrapping the idea for a -> football game as was played last year. -> -> Last year's premiere of the Lingerie Bowl, featuring models -> wearing a combination of lingerie and football equipment -> playing tackle football, caused a stir in the weeks leading -> up to the event. Automaker Dodge first agreed to sponsor the -> game, then pulled out due to objections from dealers and -> other members of the public. An off-shore gambling Web site, -> PartyPoker.com, stepped in as a sponsor in mid-January. But shh, they're secret! Nobody's supposed to know whose annoying commercials you'll be seeing when you pay to watch this show! That's right, losers are so desperate to watch women run around in their underpanties that they'll pay to watch commercials. Commercialism is ruining fake Super Bowl halftime shows! -> Chris Martin of Horizon Productions, the group holding the -> Lingerie bowl, said in a voice mail message that there will -> be paid sponsors on the two-hour show, but he said they would -> not be revealed until a week before the Super Bowl, partly to -> minimize any "backlash" that might come. He said Horizon also -> did not want to share attention as it announced its first -> detailed plans for this show. Now, if the chicks were backlashing each other, that could be quite the kinky pay-per-view event. Except I doubt any of these superbimbomodels could learn to operate a whip. They'd probably do something easier, like spanking each other with fur-covered Ping-Pong paddles, or possibly just use an off-the-shelf spanking machine like the ones sold at Wal-Mart. -> Sandra Petko, also of Horizon, said that instead of have the -> models play a football game again this year, they will -> participate in "football-related challenges." Models from -> four different teams will also model lingerie during the -> show, without the need for any of the protective gear they -> wore during last year's game. But it'll ruin the athletic purity of the Lingerie Bowl as a legitimate sport if the undermodels don't at least pretend to sort of play five minutes of football while wearing hockey helmets! -> The first Lingerie Bowl, shown on a pay-per-view basis, was -> quickly overshadowed by the official Super Bowl halftime -> show, which included Janet Jackson's now infamous "wardrobe -> malfunction" that briefly revealed her breast on broadcast -> television. She had an excuse -- she had to prove she wasn't just her weird brother with a different clip-on nose. -> Perhaps due to concerns about being overshadowed last year, -> Horizon's press release also promises the show will include -> "a shocking moment that will be the absolute talk at the -> water-cooler on Monday morning." Yeah, sure, fake catfight, ho hum. If I wanted to see a scripted catfight, I could watch that "Mission: Impossible" episode where Barbara Bain gets beat up by Mary Ann Mobley. (If you look really closely, you can see our late friend Gharlane hiding under the trampoline.) -- K. Here's what I want to see: A hockey fight between William Shatner as Gordie Howe and Edward Norton as me. (Edward Norton the actor, not Ed Norton the wacky neighbor -- let's be serious.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:17:52 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I saw a documentary called "A River Somewhere" where the two blokes ended > up going to McDonalds in Rome and also having to get a trout from a fish > farm as they couldn't catch one in the river. And they sure couldn't buy one at McDonalds. You think those square things with the yellow pastry shell are actually any sort of fish? They're actually compressed garden slugs, 49 per brick. That's why they have to put that bumpy breading on, to keep the slugfish cake from sliding off the bun frictionlessly. > It was a funny show and not what you would expect something about > fly fishing to be. Why, were you expecting something about crotch zippers? > My favourite episode was Belize where one of them put a big handfull > of Haberno chillies in something he was cooking and he didn't have > anything to get the hottness away. Habaneros, for those unfamiliar with delicious food, are many, many times hotter than most other chili peppers. And they have such a neat richly tart flavor, not that metallic, acidic tang that some of the others have. Wouldn't McChili suck if it existed? It would be light brown and made from 50% pureed refried beans and 50% Cool Whip. -- K. Is there anyone here who actually enjoys the taste of McDonalds food? (It doesn't count if you're under 8 years old. Kids will eat anything a clown pulls out of his pockets.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 22:21:10 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone here who actually enjoys the taste of McDonalds food? > > I kind of like their shake-like confectionary treats, especially the > vanilla ice cream with mini M&Ms in it. That is not "ice cream" and stop even pretending it is! It's some sort of wholly inorganic bleach-colored paste-like mucilax! > And they had a "Chicken Salad Oriental" back in the '80s which I loved. You should come visit me so we can go to the McDonalds in Chinatown that has the special Chinatown-only flavors of McShakes. They're slightly different from their other lightly diluted wholly inorganic bleach-colored paste-like mucilaxatives. Their restroom tokens used to be interchangeable with the local video arcades' tokens, but all the arcades are gone now, even the one run by the Chinese mobsters. I demand Boston get a new arcade, preferably one run by Yakuza because I need a job. > Everything else is truly a mystery. The fries suck. Their Big Mac was > done much better by Burger King, who had a "Big King" for a while. Fnarr. White Castle can kick Burger King's or McDonalds's ass. Gimme a pile of six cheeseless White Castles any day. They're not just better than a Big Mac or a Whopper, they're better than actual food. I demand that Boston get a White Castle, preferably putting it in one of the convenient old ex-White-Castle buildings like that puce one in Chinatown behind the Chinatown-style McDonalds and the Dunkin' Donuts with the bizarrely long tail on one of the two characters in the Chinese version of the Dunkin' Donuts logo. > And I can't bring myself to eat a McNugget anymore. That's saying > something, consider I eat anything that's not tied down. Unlike most people, who'll eat anything if they're tied down. > Special Note: Anything I can forceably pry up is not "tied down". What's the difference between "tied up" and "tied down"? And "burn up" and "burn down"? And "throw up" and "McShake"? -- K. I think I'd be a good Yakuza, and the only downside would be that I could never be a a hand model. But who needs a modelling career when you get to kill people with a samurai sword all day?