From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update for Saturday, January 15, 2005. Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:16:14 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You failed to notice, but I've been blond for the last 36 hours. > > Tonight I have maroon dye soaking in as I speak. > > Why is is that you don't have a Haircolour page on your site, and you > don't post pix--- even of the back of your head--- to show the various > colours/flavours with which you tempt us? I've been considering a color-coded Terrorist Alert Warning System-style gadget for my Web site to indicate my current hair status. However, (a) that would involve keeping something on my site up to date, and (b) most hair colors I do cannot be displayed by computer monitors. You just can't make a bright orange on a computer screen. > You are a magnificent bastard, you know that? Yes, I know. Let's put it this way: When the bouncer doesn't want to let you in because you're scaring him, you know you're a magnificent bastard. (Hey, it was cold outside, and I didn't feel a need to remove my ski mask because it has a perfectly good mouth hole. I can understand banks being skittish about guys in black leather with ski masks, but I'd think that bars wouldn't mind as long as you have a drink-hole.) Here's how the hair color worked out today: Most of my head came out a dark maroon (a little darker than I wanted), but the beard turned burgundy with significantly too much purple. This is puzzling, because I used the same dye on everything. Anyway, with the ski mask on, I just look like a pair of steely eyes and a purple mustache. Hopefully it'll fade to something less purple in a couple days. Purple's not a good color for me (at least not when it's this close to red so that it's obviously an accident -- I did do a really bright Barney purple once and people seemed to like it.) I still want a blood red. Not a clown red, a blood red. Next time I'll mix less black in with the red. I used too much black because I didn't want to look like Killer Raggedy Andy. -- K. Or worse, Killer Rooney Andy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 03:43:05 -0500 [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> Toilet sprayed to stop drug users -> -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. And also so Chuck Berry can get some hilarious hidden-camera footage of drunk people sliding off the toilet seats for his new special, "Creepy Peeping Bloopers & Asstastic Practical Jokes!" -> Carl Brown who owns The Mail Coach Inn, Fleet Street, says the -> solvent, often used on engines and for DIY, causes nose bleeds -> when mixed with the drug. Cocaine could never do that all by itself! -> Mr Brown acted after becoming aware that cocaine use was on the -> increase in the Wiltshire town. -> -> "Before people started coming in here, I thought I'm going to stop -> it before it gets a grip," he said. Another solution would be to just mount the toilets at a strange angle so the seats aren't even remotely horizontal. You know, like a space toilet. Just add some shoulder harnesses so people can strap their butts in if they ever do really have to go. -> The 43-year-old said customers were searched by door staff in a -> bid to stop them bringing drugs into the bar. -> -> He has also attempted to stop drug use inside by removing toilet lids. -> -> But Mr Brown said he still found evidence that showed people were -> snorting cocaine from toilet seats. Why, did he notice the seats taste like cocaine? -> The publican said the use of WD40 was a last resort and denied his -> actions were dangerous. "Look out, Robin! It's the Publican! And he's denying his actions are dangerous!" "That's right, Batman! Not even you can withstand a blast from what I've just stolen -- the world's largest can of WD-40!" "Publican, you fool, you can't stop me as long as I'm high on my super-powerful Batcaine! Nananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana nanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananana Batcaine!" -> "We have to do everything we can to protect our business and -> create a nice, safe environment," he said. -> -> "They (cocaine users) are loud and obnoxious. -> -> "They are out of place, they don't fit in with the rest of the -> people in here." The bars which are the most fun are the ones where the patrons can't _afford_ cocaine. -> The bar owner claimed there was not a big drugs problem at The -> Coach House and said the few who were snorting cocaine were now -> going elsewhere. Also, The Coach House is now nicknamed "The Greasy-Ass Bar". -> "We have seen people with bleeding noses and certain people who we -> suspected may have been on drugs don't come here any more," he said. It's a good thing alcohol isn't a drug! -- K. So what's he going to do about crystal meth? Smear peanut butter on all the light bulbs? Staple dead fish to the carpet? Glue some Oreos to every ice cube? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:55:39 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [news.bbc.co.uk] > > -> > > -> A Swindon bar owner is spraying WD40 on toilets seats to stop > > -> customers from using them to snort cocaine. > > If this man had his business in America, he'd be ok. Because in America, > we are savages and we spray down our toilet seats with urine and feces. Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're never _ever_ going to visit your home. Or let you visit their home. -- K. And little boys always wonder why public restrooms have these strange things called "urinals". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:26:20 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] in America, we are savages and we spray down our toilet > > > seats with urine and feces. > > > > Okay, I just heard the newsgroup gasp in horror as everyone swore they're > > never _ever_ going to visit your home. > > I know Lots doesn't read anything I write because I'm a Slimey Gurl, Yeah, but over in the other thread you hinted that under certain circumstances you might be a considered a "fag hag", so he's probably on the bus over to your house right now. Expect a man wearing a child-size pirate hat. Hurry up and lower your expectations before he gets there. > but I went off on this very topic several months ago, in another forum. > I work in an office building with supposedly civilized beings, yet the > bathroom is often worse than the kiddie bathrooms at the pre-school > I used to work in. I just remember the puzzled look on the face of the girl in kindergarten who didn't quite make it to the bathroom. She was standing in this big puddle outside the bathroom door with this look of utter bafflement on her face, either "Now how did this happen? I'm outside the bathroom and yet I no longer need to go to the bathroom!" or perhaps "I wonder what excuse Mrs. Golden would buy?" > SERIOUSLY! GROSS! STUFF! BELOW! > > There's always something disgusting on the floor. Or on the seat, or > unflushed. Always. And the nasty skanky hairy security guard used to > bring her Big Gulp drink into the bathroom with her, go, and then grab her > Big Gulp and leave WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS. She got fired, thank god. One of my favorite "National Lampoon" cartoons was the men's room at a Chinese restaurant where someone is watching the chef standing at a urinal under a sign saying "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH CHOPSTICKS". So, how many of you people were eating lunch just now, and at what point during this article did you stop? > Someone managed to get poo on a toilet paper dispenser, and because the > janitors are fucking dolts, after a couple of days I had to tape a note to > the wall which read "Please clean this" with an arrow pointing to the poo > spot. I call album title on "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot". Any musical group wants to put out a CD with named "Arrow Pointing To The Poo Spot", they'll have to pay us royalties. (I get a 50% finder's fee.) > In a first floor bathroom, some lady manages to go into the same stall > every day after lunch and spray the entire stall with fecal matter. I > suspect she doesn't want to get her bum dirty by sitting on the clean > toilet seat, and fecalarity insues. This is important: Follow her in the morning, find out what she has for lunch, and tell us. Fifty quatloos says she orders the same meal every day, and another hundred says she's found the secret location of the only McDonalds restaurant that's test-marketing McChili. > Well, you get the idea. The maintenance staff put in heavy duty > fresheners in the women's rooms. When Ed worked in the building, he swore > none of the men's rooms had mandatory freshening. That's probably because > men aren't the disgusting fucking pigs the women in this building are. You haven't seen the men's room at the Alewife (T) station (northern end of the Red Line, where the red icicles are still sort of barely glowing.) I was there yesterday and man was it horrible. The only filthier public restroom I've ever seen was that one at the Wendy's on Seventh Avenue in Manhattan that was like... um, which "Cheech & Chong" film was it that had the shot of Cheech's toilet in silhouette with the big mound? > I hate women. See, you do have something in common with Lots42. -- K. White Castles usually have eerily clean restrooms, defying all the laws of logic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 17:31:28 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You haven't seen the men's room at the Alewife (T) station (northern end > > of the Red Line, where the red icicles are still sort of barely glowing.) > > I was there yesterday and man was it horrible. The only filthier public > > restroom I've ever seen was that one at the Wendy's on Seventh Avenue > > in Manhattan that was like... um, which "Cheech & Chong" film was it > > that had the shot of Cheech's toilet in silhouette with the big mound? > > And people wonder why I tip the bathroom attendant at the flea market. So do you give him the tip before or after you pay him? And do you go by "George" or "Mr. Michael"? Anyway, you should check out that restroom at the Alewife station if you like (T) rooms. > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > I hate women. > > > > See, you do have something in common with Lots42. > > If by hate you mean 'love with an intense desire common to all straight men' > then yes, I do. Lots, I don't think you have any claim to use at least half the words in that sentence. I'd draw you a diagram of what "intense" really means if you weren't still struggling with a unique definition of "straight". You wouldn't know intense if it bit you on the pirate hat. -- K. So what sort of razor do you shave with, and why? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 20:46:46 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't killfile people simply because they are gurls. Um, Lots, I hope you're not trying to break it to us that you've only got two weeks to live, but otherwise I can't think of why you're suggesting what quote will someday go on your tombstone. You want the pink granite, right? With fur trim? -- K. And the "i"s dotted with little pictures of white tigers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Slippery thrones in the news Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 02:40:52 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Um, Lots, I hope you're not trying to break it to us that you've > > only got two weeks to live, but otherwise I can't think of why you're > > suggesting what quote will someday go on your tombstone. > > Dear Kibo: If I had two weeks to live, you'd think I'd be on Usenet? > No, I'd be out banging a list of chicks I know. Okay, if you ever have heterosexual sex, I'll know that I'll need to get plane tickets to your funeral within two weeks. Until then, keep avoiding women if you're not sick. > And or showing them my doc's note on my D00m so I can see their boobiers. Doctors don't give you a little wallet card that says you're dying, you fool. They will only tell you news that important over the phone. Also, "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards are not actually available to the public -- and I'm not telling you where I got mine, though I can get you one for only two goldenrod bills, one blue bill, and a handful of little houses that seem like they should be Lego-compatible but aren't. > At least, I wouldn't waste any time talking to you, because you smell like > broccli. You have me confused with one of the talking computer-animated Christian puppet vegetables in that show your mommy lets you watch. You should consider asking her for some of those "Davey & Goliath" videos instead. I bet you'd like the one where Davey wishes everybody's a fireman. -- K. But it turns into a nightmare when they try to play baseball and God's voice booms out, "Everybody's a pitcher! We need catchers!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:43:44 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to notice > the nurse's uniforms. What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have male nurses? You'd like them, I hear that to keep the hospital sterile they have to keep their chests shaved. Maybe they'd send in the male nurses if you got one of those MedicAlert bracelets that says you're allergic to girls and require two twinks a day. -- K. So tell us about your time in the hospital. Did you get your gerbil back? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:17:14 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I [Talysman] just wrote: > > > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAT" > > or "LADDER OF GAY". That's okay, I just cancelled _my_ followup to your article so that I could fix your typo so that your pathetic mistake wouldn't reflect badly on my heftacularly megabang response. > "LADDER OF GAT" would be an entirely different sort of game show, where > contestants would wander down a long hall and try to select only the doors > with fabulous prizes behind them and not those with loaded guns. Make 'em "splurge guns" and you've got "Beat The Clock". But then after you direct that show you'd have to go on to do another which revolves around Hannibal Lecter giving Ferris Bueller dozens of enormous yogurt enemas and then maybe people will start to catch on that there's something really wrong with your brain. By the way, which subset of the peanut gallery finds these references more annoying? The people who never watch any movies, or the vast majority who only watch good movies and not the ones I like to mention? -- K. -> ALAN PARKER -> -> Director - filmography -> -> 1. The Life of David Gale (2003) -> 2. Angela's Ashes (1999) -> 3. Evita (1996) -> 4. The Road to Wellville (1994) -> 5. The Commitments (1991) -> 6. Come See the Paradise (1990) -> 7. Mississippi Burning (1988) -> 8. Angel Heart (1987) -> 9. Birdy (1984) -> 10. Pink Floyd The Wall (1982) -> 11. Shoot the Moon (1982) -> 12. Fame (1980) -> 13. Midnight Express (1978) -> 14. Bugsy Malone (1976) -> 15. The Evacuees (1975) (TV) -> 16. Footsteps (1974) -> 17. Our Cissy (1974) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 16:05:31 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > > > You people are nuts. I've been in the hospital before. Either I've > > > been too scared, too sick or too whacked out on painkillers to > > > notice the nurse's uniforms. > > > > What, you went to one of those old-timey hospitals that didn't have > > male nurses? > > see, this is why you would be the perfect host for this "LADDER OF GAY" > game show that I proposed. you could really *torture* these straight > guys by planting doubts in their branes that what they are doing is > perfectly hetero. and you'd enjoy doing it. At first I was thinking that no, you should have some sort of sissy Oscar Wilde type with a pink frilly lace shirt and clear nail polish and really tight cut-off shorts hosting the show to make the straight guys squeamish, but then I realized it'd be better to have a butch guy there just to make the straight guys feel inadequately masculine. At the beginning of every show, you could have a huge pro wrestler in overalls come running in yelling "I'M GONNA ROUGH YOU UP, FUCKERS!" and put each of the straight guys in a different hold just to get them nice and rattled. There's nothing more manly than a guy in a tightly- laced wrestling mask putting someone in a scissorlock and sitting on him. > right as the guy is about to goose a girl for $200, you could say "go > ahead! give him a pat on the ass!" and as the victim paused with doubt, > you would hastily add "OR HER!" and as he started to goose her, you could > stifle a laugh. I think the way that segment should work is that they have to reach through a hole in the set and identify whether they're groping the butt of a man or a woman. And it would always actually be a woman behind there, but that would improve everyone's enjoyment of the look of horror on the guy's face when he can barely force himself to reach in once I've told him, "The last fifty-nine times it was a woman, but you never know, this time it _might_ be a man!" We could also present him with three sexy (female) swimsuit models and lie to him that one of them is really a man, and then all three would start making out with him while he squirmed. The important thing is to try to make them squeamish while they're actually doing perfectly hetero things involving sexy swimsuit models that other homophobes will tune in to leer at before the secret Gay Agenda Signal embedded between the scan lines of the picture goes to work on their brains. The "Videodrome" signal would also be hidden in the picture, mainly because that would give me an excuse to wear a black rubber hazmat suit at the end of the episode where the loser gets electrocuted. Or is that straying too far from your original concept? > also, you'd probably be good at selecting the contestants. as I suggested, > it should be "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"-like, except instead of people waving > funny signs to be picked as a contestant, the audience would mostly be guys > there to see some other guy get humiliated. > > and you would walk amongst them, trying to decide which man is the *most* > eager to see someone else humiliated and the *least* eager to be humiliated > himself. It would be more entertaining to just pick people at random to prove that anyone can be broken, especially if we're going to do the "Videodrome" angle. For instance, did you know that even people who think they're not ticklish are ticklish? You have to know where the magic spots are, but everyone's got 'em if you have the right touch. > I'm still trying to decide whether the television audience at home would > like it better to keep the actual genders of the "girls" secret or to reveal > their genders. it does seem somewhat appealing to flash "ACTUALLY A GUY" or > "ACTUALLY A GIRL" on the screen right as you're goading someone into french > kissing someone. First of all, Fox has already done that. Secondly, a lot of gay people would get upset at any implication that gayness and cross-dressing are related (the straight cross-dressers would protest, too.) Thirdly, there's no way you could make it impossible to tell which of two hot women is really a man when they're standing side-by-side. I say they should all be girls and the show should have no actual gay content whatsoever, it should just all be about trying to make the guys think that they _might_ be doing something gay. "Here, cut this peanut butter sandwich in half... Ah, I see one of our three contestants chose to cut their sandwiches diagonally... So, did you learn that from your Daddy or your Mommy? Mmm-hmm, did you enjoy spending all that time in the kitchen helping Mommy?" Basically, it would be like "Have you stopped beating your wife?" only without any wife-beating. My favorite line from "The Simpsons" is from the episode where Nelson gets caught making out with Lisa -- "You kissed a GIRL! That is SO GAY!" -- and that's how we'd play it. We'd have hetero guys doing the most hetero things possible -- ogling women in bikinis, playing tackle football, and shooting guns -- while we planted seeds of doubt that these actions made them gay. "So, what did you think of the paisley print on her bikini? What, you didn't look at her bikini? What are you, afraid to look at a woman, you homo?" > of course, if you're not available as a host, Eddie Izzard would be > a good choice, too. Or El Chacal De La Trompeta, provided he can bring that guy in the lion suit who carries guys off to his lair. -- K. P.S. With your fantasies about watching guys trying to spot who's the female impersonator, you're _this_ close to being Alan Turing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Nurses declare: We are not sexy! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:54:43 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. With your fantasies > > about watching guys trying > > to spot who's the female > > impersonator, you're _this_ > > close to being Alan Turing. > > You know, the invention of cybering has added all sorts of strange > twists to the idea of the Turing Test. My point was that's what it _was_ when Turing invented it. His thought- experiment, which he called "The Imitation Game", was about whether you could tell the difference between a man and a woman from their writing style. He would have been so amused by this business of straight guys pretending to be chicks on the Internet just to watch other straight guys try to pick them up. "I invented the computer, and now you're using all those gigahertz just to pretend you're a girl for no reason whatsoever? That proves two of my theories -- that you can't tell much about people by talking to them, and that people are bozos compared to these modern futuristic computers I didn't live to see!" If he had lived fifty years later, I bet he would have been the first to draw a flowchart of gaydar. But he killed himself after Big Brother gave him all those estrogen shots to make him grow boobs because he was gay. (I still can't figure out that logic. Sometimes I'm glad the US government doesn't have a health-care system.) -- K. And then there's the Mr. Spock version of the Turing Test, which says that computers can pretend to be men and rule entire planets, but no computer can pass as a woman because it's impossible to program a computer to be that illogical. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 14:37:27 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > off her child, who was late to school. I wonder why the child was > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > appearance. I also had to talk to the kids about not being mean to a > person because someone else dresses weird. They have pajama days > sometimes at the schools, but you have to wear shoes that are > appropriate for walking outdoors and modest PJs. I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." There should be more days when kids are encouraged to all dress up differently from each other, rather than being given permission to all do the same thing at once. There needs to be a day where any kid who is dressed the same as any other kid is ostracized. Of course, if the other kid turns them in first, they get candy. Let's co-opt the McCarthy-era attitudes towards social conformity by getting kids to snitch on kids who aren't nonconformist enough! -- K. Kids should be less obedient and more dangerously unpredictable! Also schools should teach how to play video games so that the kids' friends won't laugh at their feeble skills when they get a job and have a LAN Quake party. Do kids these days still play Quake? I bought one of those Atari joysticks that has ten Atari 2600 games built-in, but it's not right because all the stuff that's supposed to flicker doesn't. Ruins everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:06:45 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > "Funny hats are okay to wear on Funny Hat Day, which automatically > > makes them even more Not Okay to wear on the 364 Normal Days." > > Of course, if you give *permission* to them to do something and > they do it, they're conforming. The only way to really do it > right would be for the teacher to say "You know, you're not really > supposed to dress like a pirate this Friday, but I think you might > be able to get away with it if you do." Or maybe not. Either that or you could tell the kids something like "There's a good chance George Bush will stop the war if you all dress up like pirates tomorrow," because teachers somehow get away with making the most insane political assertions to the kids. But of course we all know politics doesn't work that way. If you want to effect real change, you have to dress funny, light a candle, hold hands, and sway while singing that song from "The Wizard Of Oz" while looking at a picture of Mary Worth. > > Kids should be less obedient and > > more dangerously unpredictable! > > One day a week, all the kids who are supposed to take Ritalin or > methamphetamines don't, instead giving them to the kids who aren't > supposed to take them. This day is to be chosen at random. Probably by the same idiots in Boston who programmed the jury-duty-selection computer to randomly choose people for jury duty except they didn't know the difference between the rand() and sort() functions and so everyone whose last name is Aaron has jury duty this month. The Boston Globe's headline was "Jury pool unshuffled, leaves court unruffled." > IT'S LIKE A KOALA BEAR CRAPPED A RAINBOW IN MY BRAIN! Tell me something I don't see every day. -- K. Brain rainbows taste bumpy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: pajamas (was: Nurses declare: We are not sexy!) Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:37:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > A parent actually showed up in her jammies and bunny slippers to drop > > > off her child, who was late to school. > > You couldn't hit me in the head with a frozen leg of lamb enough times > to make me think this is a problem on any level of reality. Mmm, Dahl-tastic! Want me to dress up as a cop and come over for dinner? I'll bring the CD of Gounod's "Funeral March of a Marionette". > The mom was still in PJs and slippers? WHO THE FUCKING FUCK CARES? > My mother used to go grocery shopping in the 70s with rollers in her > hair and an ugly scarf over it; I bet that's what caused the OPEC crisis. Yeah, but you live in one of those states where it's legal to drive barefoot. In Boston, you can't even ride the subway without a three-piece suit, a bowler derby, and at least one false eyelash. Observe the propaganda posters on the wall of the Kenmore station if you don't believe me. And those guys who come around to your house and put the little plastic padlock on your electric meter? In Boston, they also have guys who go around padlocking pantyhose onto women. > > > late? Anyway, she didn't seem to think anything of it, but I had to > > > counsel the child who was traumatized by the general reaction to her > > > appearance. > > Oh, for fuck's sake. Can someone send some gonads and extra brain bits > to Paula's part of the world? Why are you obsessed with McChili? > > I dislike the concept of those "wear this particular item of clothing > > today" events, because they basically reinforce conformity of dress -- > > In the small town Kansas high school I went to, they had "Dress Like > Your Ancesors Day". Everyone ASS-U-ME-d that we'd all dress like cowboys > and cowgirls. Ed (being 1/4 Japanese) showed up in a kimono. > Unfortunately, he had other clothes on under the kimono, but the point was > made. Hundreds of little Tim McGraw wannabes, one Toshiro Mifune. > I got a huge crush on Ed that day. DON'T TELL HIM! I never had any cowboy ancestors. Just a bunch of boring old knights and barbarians and stuff. Oh, and some cavemen, but that was a while ago -- we've since lost touch with that branch of the family. -- K. Who's Tim McGraw? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New apartment pics Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:01:52 -0500 Hong Ooi (hong@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > So, I got myself a new unit just before Xmas. If we were to call you a "metric weenie", would that mean you're a METRIC weenie or a metric WEENIE? Never mind, I'm just being juvenile. I can afford to do that because I'm very comfortable with the size of my unit. -- K. "STAND BACK, I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 15:37:48 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > I have conceived of a new gameshow that Kibo can host, called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > [...] suppose there were a game show more like "Who Wants > To Be A Millionaire?" crossed with "Let's Make A Deal" ... it > would be called > > "LADDER OF GAY" > > and the gimmick is not just to see what straight guys will do > for money, but also to see how they will react if they feel > they became TOO GAY. I'm surprised you came up with such an EXTREMELY GAY idea. I think thinking up that idea just made you gayer than a dogpile of figure skaters. In fact, I think that idea is so gay that everyone who read it just became a little bit gay. Shame on you for being TOO GAY. Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of Girl Cooties like some people do. I think the problem is that any guy who's so big a sissy that he's scared of girls shouldn't be upstairs, either. So the macho guys are upstairs, the plain old sissies are downstairs, and the super-sissies go upstairs to get away from the fag hags who are downstairs. Maybe there should be a sub-basement for those ultraqueens who shouldn't be around either women or butch guys. They'd serve nothing but extra-pink Shirley Temples and the bar napkins would be little paper dolls you could dress up. And everyone would get a nametag on the way in, and they'd all say "Cinderella". Every ten minutes, there would be a mass glitter drop. -- K. Are you sure it should be a ladder of gay and not a staircase? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 20:06:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, were you that guy at the bar last night who was horrified by the > > presence of the fag hags? I know they should stay downstairs -- > > 'cause downstairs is where the fags are, upstairs is where the men are -- > > Crap. Well, now I'm confused. I thought if I liked hanging around the > lumberjacks instead of the figure skaters, it meant I was a fag hag. Now > I don't know what I am! I need a clearly-defined list of monosyllabic > labels to define myself as a person, or I'm just not comfortable. It's okay to be a fag hag, just for some reason it's not okay to do it in the leather bar. It's okay to do it in vanilla gay bars. Don't ask why. (I'm still trying to figure out the 393-page leather bar code of conduct myself -- I can't get past the "Brown leather is unacceptable unless it's a Nazi uniform" part. It can be a pretty ridiculous microcosm in there, and since these people have such weirdly specific expectations for how people should dress and behave when they're there, you can understand why a non-leather-wearing, non-male, non-gay woman wandering in would disrupt their world.) I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. If you do want to hang out with the guys in the leather bar, at least dress like a dominatrix rather than a tourist. In fact, that's good advice for all women, wherever they're going. I find it amusing that there are some leathermen who are creeped out by the presence of a fag hag in their midst. They're not the sort of people you'd expect to have a "Zoinks, it's a g-g-g-girl!" phobia. I mean, I can't take someone seriously as a tough guy if they're scared chicks might be hanging out in the same room. Those are probably the same guys who go out of their way to put their mouths on random body parts of random strangers but the moment they're asked to lick the tops of someone's boots they say "Ewwwwwwww!" That can be a segment for "Ladder Of Gay": "What, you don't want to lick that cop's boots? YOU SISSY!" > > but when a woman wanders upstairs, I don't run away from the cloud of > > Girl Cooties like some people do. > > It's not like women are carriers of the dreaded Straight Virus, or that > our poor fashion sense is going to rub off on innocent bystanders. The > Get-Rid-Of-Slimey-girlS school of thought always bugged me, maybe because > I'm a slimey girl. The first all gay friend I had came out and > immediately started calling all his female friends "bitch" and "ho" and > shrieking at us about our clothes and hair. Every woman should have one bitch-queen friend to give her advice on how to dress to appeal to men. Just be sure to do the exact opposite of whatever he says if you're trying to attract straight men and not a yoo-hoo-ing flock of Carson Kressleys. -- K. I accept you, but not the choice that you've made to be slimey. Next time, wear a bib when you're eating okra. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ladder of Gay Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:45:41 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think fag hags like you are supposed to like sensitive men because > > you're a woman and all women are really sensitive, like certain gay men. > > I'm about the least sensitive female I know. A co-worker sneezed one > time and I slipped and said, "Fuck you" instead of "Bless you". And I > meant it. Did you do it with the intonation you'd have used for "Lord bless you, dear!" or the intonation normally used for "Hey, fuck you, Captain A-Hole!"? Cause I think saying "Fuck you!" in a really sweet voice would probably confuse the hell out of people. I'd try it except I don't think I could pull it off. (I never say "Bless you!", and I don't care what Jerry Seinfeld thinks. If you sneeze, it's not my responsibility to keep the devil from stealing your soul while you're distracted -- if you really are worried about losing your eternal soul whenever you sneeze, maybe you should just stifle it. So if I did say "Bless you!" I'd probably do it in the tone of voice one would normally use for "Well fuck you too!") -- K. I have been known to yell "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" at cars without a hint of irony. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's time for the periodic slurry of shredded news! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 17:42:23 -0500 Via Google News Alerts, random Web surfing, dreams and nightmares and coma fantasies, here are some things that might seem vaguely entertaining if stripped of all context. Go ahead, do that now and before your eyes, these quotes might turn quotable, even if they're not worth reading! -- K. It's a lot like reading graffiti without even needing to take a pee. [music.riverfronttimes.com] -> -> By 2006 the nŸ-funk movement shall be a quaint memory, a brief -> cultural hiccup on the way to something else (the Magic 8 Turd Orb -> is a little cloudy on this, but we're leaning toward a minor "epic -> noir soundtrack" revival, ˆ la Portishead, which will be quickly -> snuffed out by a second coming of the Squirrel Nut Zippers and -> Brian Setzer). [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => [...] one of the Pistons' reserves who shouted at referee Courtney => Kirkland, "You look like Hercules up top and Pee Wee Herman => everywhere else. [...] [valleyadvocate.com] -> -> So where was George when the tsunamis hit? Oh, he spent the day -> pedaling his bicycle around his fake ranch like Pee Wee Herman. [patriots.bostonherald.com] => => JETS deserve spanking => => [...] => => On a day when Chad Pennington and the Jets needed to show up as => big and mean as Shaquille O'Neal, they gave us Pee Wee Herman => instead. [www.pulsetc.com] -> -> I mean, shit, I'd have been more impressed to read that Paul "Pee -> Wee Herman" Reubens was producing the album [...] [www.pantagraph.com] => => Don't expect Bonds to report for spring training looking like Pee => Wee Herman. [ydr.com] -> -> The presidential election takes a bizarre turn when a recount in -> Ohio names Pee Wee Herman as the winner. [www.michiganoutdoornews.com] => => George Taylor, of Coopersville, bagged this 8-point piebald buck => near Felch on Nov. 19. [www.globegazette.com] -> -> You have the nickname "Potsie." How'd you get that? -> -> Coach Mike Hackbart gave it to me the first year I was here. I -> don't know what it means, but he thinks it's funny and it stuck. -> I'm fine with it. -> -> You're a penalty killer, so you need a tougher nickname. What -> would you rather have for a nickname? -> -> I don't know. Potsie is fine with me. [www.contracostatimes.com] => => No one even braked, she said, not even after she put a 30-inch => orange cone into the road and waved a red plastic bag, sobbing all => the while. [www.cybersoccernews.com] -> -> (Although, I did buy Brandi Chastain's book at Borders, so it -> isn't like the days in the Pleistocene when the only soccer books -> on the shelf were all about how to teach kids to avoid tripping -> over orange cones.) [kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com] => => On Christmas Eve I have a steel rule about Christmas music. There => will be, of course, no Rudolph, Mama kissing Santa, rockin' around => my tree or "A Wild Turkey Christmas." => => The afternoon sun, now a dying, mustard-yellow strip of light => running across the horizon, takes the edge off the Bastogne ice => darkness. Here, I play Gregorian chants from a Spanish monastery. => I know, it's kind of Mel Gibsonian, but no one gets flagellated. [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] -> -> And out of all these beaches comes the greatest beach of all. The -> vast, mythical beach that holds all these loves and terrors and -> near drownings. All these futile longings and stubborn hopes and -> buried dog turds and vanished families and beaches that are still -> to come. [www.presstelegram.com] => => But nobody said Tasers cure bad judgment. (Besides, if you're => going to zap a 12-year-old, better a Taser than a baton.) [www.harmony-central.com] -> -> The electronics were getting real noisy and farting but I think -> that may be the battery (more on that later). [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Here, a gentle psychic wedgie to set the Fashion Unfortunates on => the straight and narrow for the new year: [sptimes.com] -> -> Where do you stand on the rubber band issue? Are they useful -> doodads for holding things together, or missiles capable of -> shooting someone's eye out? [pittsburghlive.com] => => "It looks like he's going to rush outside, then he catches you at => just the precise moment," Smith continued. "He gets an inside arm => and clubs 'em, knocks a guy down, almost like he's punching the => guy in the side. => => "Guys will sit on it and he still gets them." [slate.msn.com] -> -> And I wish someone would have sneaked up behind Anthony Hopkins -> while he was intoning his banal lines and given him a gigantic -> wedgie. [www.theregister.co.uk] => => "Is this recording?" he asks, as your reporter pokes => optimistically at a Symbian phone. "Oh, it'll fuck up! It's => digital and digital things suck." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> When I have children, I will have them look up to you as a role -> model (well, besides me, Jesus, and Anson "Potsie" Williams). [www.qctimes.com] => => MERCY on the troops. They want lutefisk. [www.bouldernews.com] -> -> "People may say, 'This guy is the biggest turd around,'" -> Komarnitsky said Monday. "But I was just extending the hoax for -> the sake of Christmas cheer." [www.afterellen.com] => => Dazed and confused, full of fear and loathing, rendered unoriginal => by grief. Truthfully, I feel like I have a big turd in my heart. [www.csmonitor.com] -> -> Three years later, I still had no green card - it kept receding -> like a sadistic swimming instructor. [opinioneditorials.com] => => Apparently, what Irving Berlin meant when he wrote "God Bless => America" was "God Bless Us And Screw You." [www.sciencedaily.com] -> -> Indeed, "mistletoe" literally means "turd on a twig." [www.billingsgazette.com] => => When she has a sore throat, Burdorf gargles with a mix of water => and an old over-the-counter product called Gimp, which may be next => to impossible to find now. [www.thestreet.com] -> -> "The consumer doesn't have unlimited funds," said Joe Spiegel, a -> fund manager with Dalek Capital. [64.4.171.250 -- Quad Cities Online] => => ``We gave them layups all night,'' RI coach Rod Leatherman said. [www.metroactive.com] -> -> And don't miss the delicious, tiny, spongy bread sandwiches filled -> with fried tofu and peanut sauce (50 cents). Think White Castle -> burger only with no meat. [www.automobilemag.com] => => Supercars aren't supposed to be practical, but it is difficult to => imagine anyone other than a dimensionally challenged, => sadomasochistic contortionist getting into the Aston's back seat. [slate.msn.com] -> -> A few toys did feel new. For instance, there's this thing called -> Tokyo Catz. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it seems to involve -> a bunch of slutty cats who tart themselves up like dirty cat -> whores. Fun game! [www.purcellregister.com] => => When he was no bigger than a popcorn fart Matt Montgomery knew => what he wanted to do. He used to watch ESPN instead of cartoons. [www.freep.com] -> -> Baio is probably best known as Charles (Chachi) Arcola from the -> '70s hit "Happy Days" and his status as a major Hollywood love -> machine. [www2.townonline.com] => => But my favorite is the "Grip 'n Flip," a sort of double spatula => sold by a motherly TV huckster whose spiel has come to fascinate => me as much as a Shannon Tweed movie only for different reasons. => => "But wait!" she'll tell you. "Call now and I'll send you a 'Scoop => 'n Strain.'" That, as near as I can make out, is sort of a => combination ladle and colander that enables you to spill things on => the stove faster and more often. [www.journalnow.com] -> -> My bundle held a wide variety, some light-blue striped, some -> light-green striped and some with a pattern resembling sliced okra -> for when I felt really frisky. -> -> [He's talking about underwear.] [icsolihull.icnetwork.co.uk] => => Despite an act that involves a seductress in French lingerie and a => male double-hander of body stretching that almost smacks of => sadomasochism, the show makes excellent family entertainment. => => [They're talking about Cirque du Soleil's "Saltimbanco".] [www.rawstory.com] -> -> He blends emotional scenes with humorous scenes; he adds tragedy -> to optimism; and he can turn a suit-guy into a 'Fonzie.' -> -> [He's talking about Michael Moore.] [www.rawstory.com] => => 'The Perfect Place To Find That Perfect Sadistic And Kinky Holiday => Gift At A Bargain!' crowed the invitation, and boy-oh-boy--who => couldn't use that? [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> My teacher, Celeste, was herself a genuine sadist. This was made -> clear to me the very first day of nursery school, when she led our -> class in a game of "Simon Says" designed to inflict flesh wounds: -> "Simon says: Poke yourself in the eye! Simon says: Hit yourself on -> the head with a Lincoln Log! Stick a crayon up your nose! Whoops. -> I didn't say Simon Says, now did I, Juan?" [www.boston.com] => => ''It's like we're hostages without being in any kind of hostage => situation,'' passenger Misha Shmidt told The Seattle Times from => the plane Tuesday night. [tvnz.co.nz] -> -> "Spiderman, Superman and Batman were involved in a minor -> altercation at 12.32 am at Wincheap on Christmas Day. [...] [mlive.com] => => Those seeking family fun on the last night of the year can find it => at the Hampton Inn and Holiday Inn Express on Felch Street [...] [rr.ps2.ign.com] -> -> The ATV's engines for the most part sound like someone farting NON -> STOP. There is also no crowd sounds for the supercross races, from -> what I noticed. [www.kansas.com] => => Maybe if we taxed the use of orange cones, we could solve the => budget crisis. [www.ocweekly.com] -> -> Pringle's comments are applauded by hostage takers everywhere and -> are slated to be included in the upcoming trade publication The -> Stockholm Syndrome for Dummies.... [www.mcall.com] => => Like a growing number of young women, if your girlfriend had put a => notch in her bedpost every time she bagged a guy, odds are she => would've been sleeping on the floor in a pile of sawdust in a => matter of months. => => Notches aren't the half of it. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> The man who is the subject of this story doesn't come gently to -> consciousness the morning after the big party the night before. -> No, he is literally hurled by the sadistic prison guards who have -> seized control of his brain onto the unpainted concrete floor of -> wakefulness. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => Sprouts were tipped for greatness by the Independent. [www.stltoday.com] -> -> This one has rose-pink petals, an orange cone center and a "top -> hat" -- or double deck -- of more rosy pink. Jelitto Perennial -> Seeds, a German company, developed this plant. [www.oregonlive.com] => => (Did we mention the phrase "swimming in ketchup"?) [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> But readers are still asking for another Chili's. And they -> continue to beg for Trader Joe's, a specialty grocery store based -> in California. That store topped readers' wish lists for 2005. -> -> "We get phone calls, too. Everybody loves Trader Joe's," [www.canoe.ca] => => The Toronto Raptors picked up Eric Williams and Aaron Williams in => the deal for Vince Carter. Just wondering: Was Anson Williams not => available? [www.denverpost.com] -> -> The truth is that combining Hollywood with any other video-store -> chain is like handcuffing two drunks together. They could prop up -> each other for a while, but they are bound to stumble. [observer.guardian.co.uk] => => The ' vice anglais ', so often misrepresented as buggery, refers => actually to an altogether different predilection: the dominatrix => spanking her man. The French have a point. [www.frontiersman.com] -> -> "His detector is not UL approved because it starts alarming below -> 30 PPM," Leatherman said. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Some people who engage in intrusive contact are mean or sadistic; => others are usually nice and are well-liked by others [...] [www.contracostatimes.com] -> -> But as he got closer to the visitors' locker room entrance at the -> Rose Garden, it became clear it wasn'ta cool limp, but a gimp. [www.bostonmagazine.com] => => "[...] So what is god? All god is, is just the initials of life. => The word god is like the word fuck if you really think about it. => Fuck is just the initials for condoned sex. [...]" [www.newhavenadvocate.com] -> -> Mr. Clean has no balls therefore his artists have no balls and -> really that is to their detriment. No big loss. [www.cincypost.com] => => It is my conclusion that while crimes were committed in the White => Castle parking lot on the morning of Nov. 30, 2003, they were not => committed by members of the Cincinnati Police Department," [news.scotsman.com] -> -> Reminiscent of the boys at Rugby School, their sadistic intent was -> ill-disguised. Brocket grinned and Nigel said: "Crocs are me -> speciality!" I tuned out. [www.herald-mail.com] => => "I would like to take a spatula, stick it in the office, turn it => upside down and start over," he said. [www.blacktable.com] -> -> "Lyndie England's got a boyfriend and I don't! What the fuck's -> wrong with me?" -> -> On the birthday front, Erin Gray was born 55 years ago today. [www.guardian.co.uk] => => '[...] The French are so individualistic that they do not even => want to share the air they fart into with other people.' [msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Then down the rubber steps into an underground space that looks -> like a cross between the engine room of an old destroyer and a -> dominatrix's mudroom. [www.mercurynews.com] => => How wonderfully Bill Murray of Bill Murray to act like this. How => lovable, how hangdog -- and also how screw-you. [www.alternet.org] -> -> How does one come "pretty close to lounging"? I imagine that this -> is a state of being somewhere between lounging and not lounging, -> but what the fuck? [www.portlandmercury.net] => => Sadly, none of this is even perversely entertaining; if you can => make it to the film's end credits, you'll feel like you just saw => N*Sync reenact a piss-poor episode of Star Trek. [www.godesoto.com] -> -> Under terms of the agreement with the Leatherman family which has -> donated the property for the school campus, the district will -> provide up to $500,000 in sewer infrastructure costs. [www.shreveporttimes.com] => => Jimmy and I actually led early, at 3-0. Then Marshall and UCLA => tanked, as did Virginia, as did yours truly. Jimmy sailed along => and Rump rallied, as did Potsie. [www.thedesertsun.com] -> -> [...] may make it seem that the franchise is trying to be risque, -> but the Pinky Tuscadero (vegetarian salad) and Mini-Me (kids -> chicken quesadilla) make it obvious that the menu is simply titled -> after movies and television characters. [www.reuters.co.uk] => => SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel cannot => sue a website that published a photo of him with two women above a => caption reading "You're never too old to be a pimp," a U.S. => appeals court has ruled. => => The term "pimp" was probably intended as a compliment, the court => said on Tuesday. But Knievel said, "What good is law in the United => States of America if five or six goddamn bimbos are going to rule => against it?" [new.in-forum.com] -> -> Here is a recipe for a tasty treat you simply must try this new -> year. It is for that rare Norwegian delicacy, a lutefisk sandwich. [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => A SADISTIC triple killer changed his plea to guilty after police => gave him cash to buy Mars Bars in jail. [www.nysun.com] -> -> On a tour through the construction zone one day last week, the Sun -> encountered almost a dozen overturned or crushed orange cones - -> including one lying in the middle of the road beneath an -> underpass. [www.sfbg.com] => => But after more than one irate club promoter's spittle-flecked => exhortation to "shove your thesaurus up your ass, motherfucker" => (what, so yo momma can thumb through it, you unfrabjous => gimcracker?), I nicked my ex-pimp's tricked-out gold Impala, => nabbed a fine-looking six-foot-three Latino brutha off the => Internet as copilot, and tootled down to L.A. -- where my big => mouth and ample dictionary actually get me some respect. And free => cocktails. [www.taipeitimes.com -- mystery question marks are theirs] -> -> "The sovereignty of the ROC is already something that is -> acknowledged by the Taiwanese public, and proposing this -> resolution is like taking one's pants down before farting," -> Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) caucus whip Huang Teh-fu (???) -> said. The Chinese proverb "to take one's pants down before -> farting" means to engage in an unnecessary act. [onlineathens.com] => => Suddenly, fried okra is elegant. [u.redlandsdailyfacts.com] -> -> His advocacy has sometimes fallen short, however. Maybe Mom cooks -> the spinach too much, rendering it easy competition for okra's -> slime factor. [www.kekoland.com] => => We're aqua-culturists who give our catch away because we don't => like fish, except lutefisk. [www.metrotimes.com] -> -> Said ad-hoc "committee" will be on hand simply to overrule the -> obvious ballot-stuffing, sniff out palpable turds and select the -> top five nominees in each category [...] [www.palmbeachpost.com] => => A man stole a red salsa bottle from an ice cream truck on the => corner of Southwest 10th Avenue and Southwest Third Street. [www.boston.com] -> -> One thing we can say about the Massachusetts Bay Commuter Railroad -> Co., the MBTA's commuter rail operator: Its executives are not -> afraid to apologize. [www.willistonherald.com] => => With nothing but pride on the line, it's Bundy finishing atop the => panel for the second year in a row. => => Perhaps a stringer of lutefisk and some leftover lefse, along with => some cheese, can be served up as his main prize. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> The haul included a Wood's cycad, a South African species with -> spectacular orange cones. It is extinct in the wild. [abclocal.go.com] => => Guess Road may be freshly paved and ready for commuters, but you => can still hear the construction, see the dust and occasionally run => into some orange cones. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> One component of the program involves using utility trucks to -> demonstrate the special design of the truck, the safety equipment -> and safety procedures used by line personnel, and the purpose of -> the orange cones children often see on streets and highways. [www.yankton.net] => => That little nutritional nougat smacked me upside the head like a => loaf of Aunt Felicity's pound cake, extra fruit and nuts, please. [durantdemocrat.com] -> -> I'd hate to be responsible for killing, or even maiming, your -> coolness. [newtimesbpb.com] => => "A masochist says, 'Beat me, Beat me,' and a sadist says, 'No,'" => he answered his own question. Then he flickered his dark eyebrows => and laughed. The leather-jacketed man, who claimed to weigh in at => 215 pounds, is a Sofa King lightweight. [bostonphoenix.com] -> -> For some city folk, horse poop portends something more horrible -> than the occasional human turd on the apartment steps. [www.macombdaily.com] => => "You can't really be charged for an assault on yourself. [...]" [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> "Some insect species can have 2-3 percent of lipids, others can -> have as much lipids as in a sausage, roughly 40 percent," he said -> in an e-mail. [www.globes.co.il] => => [...] employees maintained a status quo for years, under which the => employees refrained from intervening in the board, and did not => appoint members to sit on it. [www.infoshop.org] -> -> The ACLU successfully defended me from the 8 tickets for obscenity -> in Santa Cruz, and from then on, I have worn a nun's habit to pit -> my costume against the cop costume, to confuse the public's allegiance. [www.thisislondon.co.uk] => => He said: "Every time you fart, or flatulate, or whatever, you live => another 10 minutes. You're getting the poisons out of your body." [www.canadaeast.com] -> -> Then use a hot glue gun to attach some gimp to make a border -> around the top and bottom of the shade. [www.timesrepublican.com] => => I know I missed it completely until a client dropping off a PC at => the shop told me about the article he had read. I did a quick => search on Google and used the search term 'rat brain F22' and sure => enough, the first eight hits were evidence that the story was for => real. [www.digitalspy.co.uk] -> -> Shelley reveals to Rhys that she's compatible with Kirsty. Flynn -> knew but she asked him to sit on it for a few days to see if Laura -> would come good. [msnbc.msn.com] => => Life is like a box of chocolates? If the worst thing in your life => is nougat, you're getting off easy. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Usually, said Tish Byrne, a feng shui practitioner who also does -> house blessings, "I ask for peace, harmony, health, wealth, love -> and laughter." -> -> This is so not a girl thing. [www.securityfocus.com] => => The first sign that some of the hacks were spreading to unwilling => users came in October, in the form of a dishwasher that did => nothing special, but was inexplicably named Candace on the screen. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Q. No one would be better suited to replace Pierce Brosnan as -> James Bond than Adrian Paul. [...] -> -> A. Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions but this is it, lest -> we work our way down to Pee-wee Herman. [www.cantondailyledger.com] => => I also liked the float by Trader Joe's called "Family Outing." It => reminded me of a family camping trip a couple years ago when the => coons ran us out of the campground. [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> When they drive to work Monday, the orange barrels should be gone -> and replaced by orange cones. [www.baltimoresun.com] => => "[...] If we sit on it, it makes people think what they thought => all these years, that Mississippi is backwoods. It can be more => than that. And it is more than that." [www.ctnow.com] -> -> The problem with delaying an execution for so many years is that -> the monster may no longer look monstrous. [news.scotsman.com] => => * Japanese robotics experts claim robots will beat humans at => football by 2050 [agnews.tamu.edu headline] -> -> LADYBUG, LADYBUG, DON'T BLEED ON MY DRAPES [www.dailyrecord.co.uk] => => When it comes to clearing the old tubes via another orifice John => Hartson takes a bit of beating. Skip the next few paragraphs if => you're squeamish. [www.contactmusic.com profile of William Shatner] -> -> He says, "I'm both a masochist and a sadist." [www.sun-times.com] => => You did not welcome [Department of Homeland Security nominee] => Michael Chertoff as the distinguished judge he appears to be. Like => me, you licked your lips and thought: I wonder what brings this => guy down? Dodged nanny taxes? Old girlfriends? My first thought => was a photo of Chertoff wearing a come-hither look and one of => those bare-chested leatherman outfits. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> Schwartz is manager at Leatherman Golf Center in southwest -> Charlotte, where 100 golfers are teeing off daily at the driving -> range. [news.ft.com] => => Having permanent capital, you don't have the same targets. You can => grow your business and you can sit on it - for ever, if you want. [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "OK," I ventured. "Imagine living every day knowing that your body -> is going crazy and you know that craziness can only end when you -> pass a creature the size of a Galia melon, plus a Honeydew, -> through your tiniest orifice." [www.startribune.com] => => Their first volley is a booklet titled "Minnesota Nice Meets Vegas => Nasty," which went out to legislators on Tuesday. It leads off => luridly, warning of "Cabins and call girls, hot dish and hot => money, lutefisk and lust," should Las Vegas interests be allowed => to set up commercial casinos in Minnesota. [www.weeklydig.com] -> -> Flanked by Raggedy Andy and Elvis, the Ice Queen strolled gingerly -> onto snowy Carson Beach, her silver go-go dress and thigh-high -> heels sparkling. After waving to the adoring masses, she doffed -> her white faux fur cape, curtseyed and dove into Boston Harbor. -> The queen submerged her head, splashed about for a bit and then -> returned to the beach to loud cheers, telling the enthused crowd, -> "I've got an icicle up my ass!" In the background, a boom box -> played disco. -> -> And then the Channel 5 cameraman showed up, late, so the scene was -> repeated. [metromix.chicagotribune.com] => => Not only did they write and direct, they star in the film as well, => playing their own original songs in the guise of their => jumpsuit-clad musical alter egos, Beef and Nougat. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> There's a new 'Red Burgundy' okra for all you lovers of this -> different vegetable and the 'Ruby Red' storage onion. [www.columbian.com] => => "Shirley likes a wheel that has a low orifice and small bobbins => that can fill faster. I like a wheel that's taller, with a higher => orifice and huge bobbins. [...]" [www.arbiteronline.com] -> -> I know farting is just a side note, but it helps illustrate my -> point. Old people do things we all want to do but don't have the -> courage. [www2.townonline.com] => => An unattended orange cone is not about to run to the house around => the corner where someone is choking, like Officer Steven Lebert of => the Medford Police did a few years ago. [www2.townonline.com] -> -> But I had never seen an orange cone before. Maybe this was one of -> the earliest tests, literally, to ascertain if we had entered that -> first stage of adulthood. [www.mlive.com] => => "The zipper was down and the button was unbuttoned, so Dietz says => this is another example of sexual sadism on John McRae's part," => Pemberton said. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> [...] no matter how hard you try and their sharpish leg breaks -> really turn on the rough concrete pitch, particularly if they hit -> dehydrated terrier turds. [www.sciencemag.org] => => We report a four-step organic reaction that completely closes a => 13-membered ring orifice of an open-cage fullerene. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> It is a primal human response to melt and stretch that attracts -> humans to pizza, says Professor Sundaram Gunasekaran. [www.npr.org] => => "You have these [hybrid] cars in there, and the HOV lanes are => actually slower than the regular lanes," says Sil Carlson, who => works at the Smithsonian. [www.thehoya.com] -> -> And why not? When my buddies and I from high school got together -> to play our annual Thanksgiving football game this past November, -> my friend Mike scored a touchdown and then knocked one of the -> opposing players over, sat on his head and farted. We all found -> that hilarious. Surely what Randy Moss did wasn't any worse. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Paul Bailey: It's Disney. Anything anyone else has said? It's => true. I was trained to be a musician, I practiced very hard, and I => got there, and I basically had to make farting noises on my => trombone and play show tunes. At Disney, you don't have a choice. [www.thenews-messenger.com] -> -> "Any road leading out of Woodville is pretty much closed, except -> for U.S. 20," said Police Chief Roy Whitehead, who spent much of -> day moving orange cones backward, further marking impassable -> sections of streets. [news.enquirer.com] => => So I date the Cincinnati transplant. The guy who still gets lost => on the road to Delhi. The guy who just can't seem to get the hang => of cornhole. The guy who ponders goetta and wonders what kind of => sadist could possibly do that to pork. [www.thecrimson.com] -> -> Don't write out "TIME!!!" in inch-high scrawl -- it only brings -> out the sadist in us. [www.signonsandiego.com] => => "She'll say, 'Well, he's only a semi-sadist, you know; it's not a => big deal.' ". [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> If any director proves that sadomasochism is just the evil twin of -> sentimentality, it's Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby. [www.nydailynews.com] => => "This is so embarrassing," said Leo. "We had never done that => before and now she's in the hospital and my cat's dead." [www.chron.com] -> -> Except he doesn't necessarily need to extract it from the man who -> profited in the confusion concerning the proper route around an -> orange cone near the finish. [www.latimes.com] => => Just thinking about actor Ed Begley Jr. makes me wince. It's => nothing he did. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Every female at the table had her favourite. No one could tolerate -> the suggestion that hers was not the apex in contemporary -> orifice-moistening technology. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => "[...] Instead build a shit fucking marshmallow building, yeah => that got bankrupt and still loaning, with an extra fuck knows how => many million dollars afterwards because it was so crap. It's => disgusting. It is disgusting. That is my word, disgusting. It's a => strong word but I feel it's appropriate." [www.drownedinsound.com] -> -> The course was like.. "this is a sine wave... thats a desk....give -> us your money, now fuck off!" [www.startribune.com] => => They added: "Visitors will be able to give gifts of fish, incense, => or lutefisk to the guardian spirits of Medicine Lake at Spirit => Shanties; make an appointment to be served tea and dessert in the => Sitting Room (formal dress required); [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> "[...] Obviously, the tempo's not the same as it was Wednesday or -> Thursday, but he moved real well, without a gimp. He didn't have a -> hitch in his giddyap." [www.zwire.com] => => I don't abuse the people who are selected because they have to sit => on it for a full year. [www.mlive.com] -> -> Only a sadist could want a caged human dead and still feel -> entitled to belly up to the bar with St. Peter. [www.thestar.com] => => This is a man, we point out, who drinks his own urine. Board => refers us to a booklet on urine therapy. Good in moderation. => => "Nick [Nolte]'s off track but it doesn't mean he doesn't have => superior intellect," he insists. [www.mlive.com] -> -> They have two children: Maddie, who is 10, and Jack, who is soon -> to be 5, as well as a golden Retriever named Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color for January, 2005! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:05:28 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They even make paint with sparkles in it for girls. > > Get with the times. These days, girls buy paint with suede and metal > in them. Or at least this girl does. Paint with _suede_ in it? What do you do with that, throw it on people who aren't wearing enough fur? Wake me when they make a paint with black leather in it. That would be the ultimate fingerpaint. I'm envisioning a version of "Goldfinger" where James Bond has to hunt me down after I've finger-painted Jack Black black until he died of whatever version of skin suffocation you can get from wearing too much leather. (Of course we wouldn't really kill him just to make a movie, especially since it's not even possible to wear too much leather.) Why don't they make good James Bond movies any more? Somewhere in Scotland, poor little Alan Cumming is just sitting by the phone waiting to play the role... Come to think of it, he has a small role in the last good one ("Goldeneye") so the producers must have his phone number on file. Let Alan Cumming be Bond! The movie could have a scene where he gets reeeeeally interested in investigating Tom Cruise's friend getting roughed up. The title would be "Never Say Fidelio". -- K. I heard Fidel Castro picked his name just so he could get into that party. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: These lasers will stop them! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 18:22:56 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How many movies have had some incredibly valuable object or important > computer protected by a grid of laser beams ready to set off an alarm > if any beam is broken? Why is it that in every case, the thieves are > able to squirm their way through the network of beams without being > detected? Because they wouldn't be able to get through an actual, cheap, real-world motion detector. So in Movie World they have to use (usually highly visible) laser beams that people can get past by doing backflips over them, because otherwise the alarm system might actually work and whoever is pretending to be Sir David Niven would go to prison in the first thirty seconds of the movie, which may or may not be what you want to see depending on how you feel about it turning into "Ilsa Meets Sir David Niven Dubbed By Rich Little". > Do the creators of these security systems install them and > then sit back and have a beer and tell each other "NOBODY could get > through that web of beams without doing some serious gymnastics!" > > PLEASE laser beam grid security system installers, do your job > properly! It would only cost a fraction more to have laser beams > intersecting every cubic centimetre of space in the protected area! > You could even throw in a few lasers which randomly scan the area, > such that burglars cannot guess the pattern. Setting up the beams > so that intruders have to crawl under a few, step over a few more, > and limbo dance under the rest is just silly. Dude, haven't you heard? The President passed a law saying that from now on, all entertainment plots will have to be ripped off from old Nintendo games. All public transportation systems are being dismantled as we speak so they can be replaced with jumping puzzles involving stone cubes levitating over public lava. -- K. I've never seen any of the "Ilsa" movies, but that one that was secretly filmed on the set of "Hogan's Heroes" raises the question: What sort of sleazy soft-core porn was filmed between episodes of "Mork & Mindy"? "Seinfeld"? "The Electric Company"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2005 19:42:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will there ever again be any toys you can play with instead of > > just resell? > > We played with the Monty Python Cow Catapult even though everyone else > kept it mint unopened in box. I discovered that the cows have flat butts. > Also, the Trojan Rabbit is held together by scotch tape. I figure they > screwed up little details like that, expecting that no one would open the > toy because all toys are now collector's items. Lately, the only toys I've seen in stores that I had even fleeting thoughts about buying until the sanity of "Why spend money on something you'll just keep on top of the TV?" kicked in were the Knockman toys from Japan. These are little solid-colored plastic robots with smiley faces. You wind them up, and all they do is rhythmically pound on their own heads or otherwise cause self-destructive mayhem. The all-black Knockman is my favorite, though I must admit I also like the noise made by the one that twirls the clear hula hoop with the ball bearing rolling along the gear teeth inside. There should be more robots programmed to beat themselves up for your amusement. And you know they're real robots and not just wind-up toys because each one has a little pink heart that revolves while he's punching himself in the head. I encountered the Knockman toys while shopping for more Yakuza DVDs for my collection (you know, Suzuki, Ishi, Ishii, Miike, Hasebe, Fukasaku, etc.) A few decades ago, American mass-market audiences discovered chop-sockey films from Hong Kong. Twenty years ago, anime films started to creep into stores. Ten years ago, Americans suddenly discovered wire-fu, followed by hentai. Now, it seems like the next big Asian cultural import trend to come bubbling up from underground is the Japanese Yakuza film. Any store with a good selection of foreign films (by which I mean anything other than dubbed anime) will have at least as many Yakuza films as any other sort of Asian films these days. This makes me happy, because I always appreciate the intersection of hipness with violence and cinematography, and it's hard to wait all those years between Tarantino's homages to these sorts of films. (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) I just want to know how, precisely, the hippest Japanese mobsters made the transition from all dressing in those pinstripe suits with white ties and spats to dressing like they're auditioning to be the new "Doctor Who" or competing in a motocross rally. They must have all agreed, "We're tired of dressing like it's the 1930s, it's time to silly up our wardrobe!" But what does this have to do with how Mr. Potato Head has become so commercialized? And how come he doesn't bleed when you pull his eyes out? -- K. And why does he have only two eyes? He's a potato! A freakin' potato! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers! Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:36:15 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (One viewing of "Ichi The Killer" is like sitting through ten > > Tarantino movies back-to-back, as long as it's the unrated edition > > with all the extreeeeeeeme gore. Mmm, gore.) > > If you have the stomach for it, try the "Dead or Alive" series of films > (nothing to do with the game.) *cough*cough* Young man, "Ichi The Killer" is one of my favorite films, so of course I can handle the slightly less perverse splatter in Miike's other movies, and besides, I'm not the sort of guy who can't "stomach" certain movies. (Are you? If so, I can write you a list of things you shouldn't rent.) I have the Kino Video box set of the "Dead Or Alive" trilogy. And most of the other Miike movies I can legally acquire, except "Andromedia", which everyone tells me is King Of Planet J-Pop-Lame-O. The "Dead Or Alive" discs are in the middle of the stack of stuff I hope get around to watching soon. (Sometimes it's hard to find the time to give a trilogy the proper attention, you know? Lately I've been acquiring Yakuza movies faster than I can watch 'em. I've sworn I'll get through my entire backlog before I get the six-disc set of "The Yakuza Papers".) On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing except that it's a mix of live-action and animation and has some really badass box art next to all the Japanese text I can't read. (At least on this release, there are at least two other DVD releases of it with less inspiring covers.) It's gotta be pretty weird, so I bought it without knowing anything about it other than the director's name. I don't generally go for anime, but the picture on the box was so weirdtastically slacktacular that I don't care if this is one of those minor Ishii films that nobody likes, any film where the box art screams "super-violent Japanese imitation '70s blaxploitation film plus a guy in a black leather motorcycle racing suit with fireman gloves and a silly yellow monster mask" has to have some redeeming value even if it just turns out to be something as ordinary as "Foxy Brown Vs. Ultraman". What game? -- K. By the way, if you're planning to re-enact the scene in "Ichi" with the hooks, don't use real fish hooks -- they're made of metal that's not bio-compatible -- shell out the big bucks for actual surgical stainless "skin hooks". They're $32 for 3 around here. It wouldn't be healthy for you to use cheap fish hooks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Party 7 (was: Hooray, they've invented a toy for today's evil, nerdy toddlers!) Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 07:32:39 -0500 Earlier today, I wrote: > > On my viewing schedule for tonight is Katsuhito Ishii's "Party 7 > (Perfect Edition)", about which I know nothing [...] Okay, I just watched it, and I still know nothing about what it's about, except that it gave me a serious concussion. It had some really funny scenes, it was weirder than fuck, and Captain Banana has the world's coolest airbed because his has a coelacanth nailed to it and mine doesn't. Oh, and also I learned a lot about how Japanese toilets work. The box art was a lie. It made the movie look cool in a weird way instead of weird in a cool way. This movie is 500% weird. I think I used up all the brain cells I had that were capable of saying "What the fuh?" and now I'm dead. "Party 7" contains no anime, except for the title sequence, but it does contain a revolving plastic heart, and many other abnormal surprises. Also the guy from "Shark Skin Man Peach Hip Girl" and "Ichi The Killer" has a bad haircut this time. Anyway, I recommend "Party 7 (Perfect Edition)" if you want to be confused into submission. -- K. "In this room, this is cool!" -- Captain Banana ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 00:55:22 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > Last night around 1:30 AM I found the shredded remains of part of > a leather jacket just off Divisadero St in San Francisco. That's nothing compared to the leather you could have found over on Folsom St. > I can only assume that Fonzie, in an attempt to time-travel from the > fake 1950s to the real 2000s, was torn to shreds as he attempted to > jump over a gravitic discontinuity on his motorcycle. You see, the San Jose Sharks aren't playing this year, so he had to jump over a gravitic blezmogobby instead of jumping a shark. But it's okay, Fonzie will re-coalesce periodically because he got sucked into a chrono-synclastic infundibulum which looks exactly like a big Spirograph doodle only invisible. He and his dog, Mr. Cool, will soon manifest themselves where you least expect it, possibly wearing San Jose Sharks hockey uniforms just to make it even more improbable. So how does your theory explain why the city doesn't seem to mind Market St. getting taken over by the crackheads? -- K. I miss the existence of professional hockey. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Spock's Brain" comes tragically true Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:44:40 -0500 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > How come nobody notices when I get it RIGHT? > > I've noticed each and every time you get it right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a zinger! And now, a message from Dolly Madison. "Help! The White House caught fire from my quiescently exothermic imitation Twinkies and it's burning down very, very slowly!" -- K. And now, a message from Little Billy and P.J. "Who burned down Dolly's White House? NOTME! Or maybe it was one of the 300 ghosts of dead grandparents that clutter every room here!" Do they still even publish "The Family Circus" or did it get cancelled when David Letterman stopped even insulting it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't taunt Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 01:11:33 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Don't taunt fun happy pussy cat. > > Or, if you do. Have blink reflexes that are quick enough. > > Ow. > > So I proceeded to taunt him more with my hands later in the day. And > now I have scratches all over my hands too. Well, that's what you get for being dumb enough to tease a poor helpless defenseless innocent little animal that can rip your face off if you try anything stupid. Leave the kitty alone. If you want to tease a lower form of life, there's still people posting to Usenet from WebTVs. -- K. Or, since there's no hockey this year, you could find out what Spartacat's up to and go challenge him to a fight. Be sure to wear a Leafs jersey he can shred. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things you can't bring to the Presidential inauguration Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2005 08:01:13 -0500 [www.uscapitolpolice.gov] -> -> Prohibited Items -> -> Firearms, weapons of any kind, ammunition (either real or -> simulated), explosives of any kind (including fireworks), knives, -> blades, or sharp objects (of any length), Do fingernails count? What's the legal definition of "sharp objects of any length"? Freud said the legal definition of "phallic" is "anything at least twice as long as it is wide" so maybe a sharp object is "anything of any length." -> aerosol sprays, coolers, thermal or glass containers, mace, ...even if it's just a trace quantity used to make a hot dog taste like a hot dog instead of a plain sausage? Trace mace is an essential ingredient in all the best pureed-scrap-meat weenies! -> pepper spray, sticks, poles, I can still go, my ancestry is from other parts of Europe. -> pocket or hand tools (such as a leatherman), Well fuck you too, I wasn't planning on going anyway. -> packages, backpacks, large bags, duffel bags, suitcases, -> laser pointers, posters, signs, placards (including supports -> structures), animals other than guide dogs or service dogs -> assisting handicapped individuals, strollers, chairs, -> umbrellas, Police prevent Penguin's perplexingly perfidious plot to peril the Presidential parade! -> alcoholic beverages, and any other items at the discretion -> of the security screeners that may pose a potential safety hazard. If these security screeners may pose a potential safety hazard, why do we even have them? -- K. I predict that within ten years, everyone attending any public event will have to show up naked and shaved. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:08:36 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sometimes I really don't understand human beings. They kill each other > > and they make commercials starring rejected talking babies from other > > companies' failed commercials. I hope the Pets.com dog puppet eats > > Baby Bob [...] > > I'm pretty sure that Baby Bob is no longer voiced by the same guy -- > I don't think it's even supposed to be the same baby, just some talking > sarcastic baby. Nick, Nick, Nick. Of _course_ it's the same baby. Why would they go to all the expense to train a second baby to talk and to never age? Just in case you still don't believe me, this is the AdWeek article I read back when I was researching my initial report. [www.adweek.com] -> -> Talkative Baby Bob Is Back for Quiznos -> -> January 07, 2005 -> By Randi Schmelzer -> Los Angeles -> -> The first Quiznos advertising since its polarizing spongmonkeys -> spokescharacters went into hibernation last year launches this -> Sunday during ABC's Desperate Housewives, according to the -> restaurant chain's new lead agency, independent Siltanen & Partners. I had actually seen the commercial at least once before then (and no, I don't watch "Desperate Housewives") so apparently they were testing their new Bob Bomb in my area before taking him national to irritate 300,000,000 people. -> At the center of the campaign -- estimated to be worth as much -> as $60 million -- is Baby Bob, the diaper-wearing toddler with a -> 35-year-old wit the El Segundo, Calif.-based agency created -> in 1997 to drive traffic to a now-defunct Web site. The -> character soon became popular enough to warrant his own -> short-lived TV show. Gee, none of the Web sites I'm associated with are "now-defunct". Therefore, I deserve more than $60,000,000. Gimme money, gimme money! -> Bob has apparently not aged a day. In the first commercial, -> for Quiznos Real Deal sandwich line, Baby Bob talks about how -> much he would love to eat a Quiznos sandwich. Unfortunately, -> he has no teeth. And that's why the babies in "Baby Geniuses" were better than Baby Bob. Because the animators added teeth to their mouths in order to make them look more natural when they talked or bit people in the neck and drank their precious adult blood. -> "But when my molars grow in, I'm all over this stuff," -> paraphrased Rob Siltanen, creative director of the 25-person -> shop. Others behind the creation of Baby Bob include creative -> directors Joe Hemp and Rex Fish, animation company The -> Syndicate and production house Japanese Monster. Media is -> being handled by OMD. Other members of Baby Bob's entourage include his creative diaper-changer, his creative cue-card-holder, his creative gofer, and his creative best boy (who is actually a fetus, not a boy, and also, none of these people is in any way creative.) -> "Having a spokesperson [or baby] is a really smart move: -> He can talk directly about [the] product, to showcase and -> romanticize the food," Siltanen said. Romanticize? Eww. "HEY MAW! COME LOOK AT THUH TEE-VEE! THAT BABY MAKES THAT SAMMWICH LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO FUCK!" -> "I always felt like with the right client, the right business plan, -> [Bob] would be awesome." "And then, once the commercials flop, Quizno's will have an easy way to dispose of him during their sale on baby veal torpedoes." HAVE I GONE TOO FAR? Oh, fuck you, it's only Quizno's. And I don't even care whether they don't like me putting an apostrophe in their name. I did it to McDonald's, I'm doin' it to Quizno's. -- K. Ronald McDonald can kiss my talking ass. And by the way, Nick, what were you saying about challenging the accuracy of my fact-based reporting on TV commercials? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The worse an idea is, the more it refuses to die. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:39:40 -0500 And, yo, Nick Bensema, here's a new article from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer about Baby Bob. You know it's gotta be a smart newspaper with a name like "Intelligencer". It's the newspaper that intelligences you up! [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Monday, January 17, 2005 -> -> The Insider: Baby Bob lands on his feet with Quiznos gig Babies always land on their feet, no matter how far they fall. That's why talking babies always survive that plunge into the Under-Inferno, the subject of that lost fourth volume of Dante about what happens to talking babies, who are even worse than unbaptized babies and the Popes who fathered them. Hey, if Dante was so smart about which Popes went to which level of Hell, how come his books never mentioned where Pope Ye went? He was clearly evil, always punching people hard enough to make them go flying into outer space, snorting spinach through his crack pipe, and screwing boneless, anorexic women. -> THE BABY THAT NEVER AGES: He's back. Baby Bob -- who got -> his start as the infant spokestot for Federal Way's -> Freeinternet.com and later went on to star in his own CBS -> sitcom -- is now hawking submarine sandwiches for Quiznos. And when they say "hawking", then mean he makes a lot of noise as he spits a glob of mucus onto each one. -> The character of Baby Bob -- described by Quiznos as a -> 40-year-old man trapped in a baby's body -- was originally -> based on Freeinternet.com founder Bob McCausland. ...who had the mind of a baby trapped in a 40-year-old-man's body. -> When the free Internet service provider flopped in October 2000, -> Baby Bob miraculously landed his own short-lived CBS comedy. Sadly, it wasn't even as funny as the former company's hilariously 'tarded revenue model. -> Now, the infant with the deep voice and supposed "140 IQ" has -> resurrected his career again. This time it's with Quiznos, -> which is using the cuddly infant -- who can't eat solid foods -- -> to make a point about its new line of toasted sandwiches. Hey, wait. If a child has a 140 IQ, that means he's as smart as someone 140% his own age, which means he actually has the brain of a seventeen-month-old in a twelve-month-old's body. He can't yet be smart enough to understand that Quizno's food is yummy, in fact, he's not even smart enough to understand that Quizno's food _isn't_ yummy. -> In one television advertisement, Bob sits in a director's -> chair and tells the story of how he craved a turkey sub that -> his mom ordered from Quiznos. -> -> "You know what she gave me: stringed peas. I love the gal, -> but that's just wrong," he says. Mmm! Stringed peas! The musical legume! The more you eat, the more you KABOOM! I'm gonna go right over to Quiznos and demand some stringed peas. -> The campaign, which debuted last week on "Desperate -> Housewives" and "24," will run through 2005, Quiznos -> spokeswoman Stacie Lange said. I still say I don't see why it's so hard to catch those terrorists if they're not smart enough to realize they could just give all their bombs 25-hour timers and then they'd explode after the Counter-Terrorism Unit got disbanded when the show got cancelled because nothing happened all year. -- K. I'm waiting for a show called "140", where every week Baby Bob would get one IQ point smarter until at the end he'd actually have a 140 IQ and he'd say, "Hey! I just realized! I'm a fucking stupid idea!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Comrades! Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2005 15:24:07 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I occasionally see "CCCP" and Soviet-like vintage T-shirts at Urban > Outfitters, between the Atari and Japanese Coca-Cola T-shirts. > > How come communism is kitsch, while swastikas and Confederate flags > are enduring symbols of hate? Because when the United States beat the Soviet Union during World War III, we purchased all rights to their intellectual property. "CCCP" now stands for "Columbia Capitalist Commerce Partners" and the hammer and sickle are the logo of that new version of McDonalds that serves nothing but borscht. The swastika and Confederate flag are still under copyright by their original owners, because the law says copyright lasts until 50 years after their creator died, and Walt Disney's only been dead since 1966. > Maybe communism is kitsch because that's what they WANT us to think. So Hello Kitty is really a Commie? If so, then how come she doesn't have a cute little symmetrical port wine stain on her face somewhere above where her eyebrows would be (not down near where her mouth would be)? Say what you will about the evils of Communism, but at least the Soviets did not discriminate against political leaders who had horrible, gross deformities which would have landed them in an Asylum For The Terminally Funny-Looking had they been born in the United States. Gorbachev had that blotch, Brezhnev had those eyebrows, and so on. Americans are so shallow that they could never elect a President who had any sort of physical handicap. I bet the USA has never elected a President who uses a wheelchair, let alone for four terms. -- K. Kennedy also used one during his last year in office, but that was only because he was practicing for that phony assassination attempt that went wrong when the crappy Manlicher-Carcano rifle actually hit him. Kennedy was just supposed to pretend Oswald had crippled him so that everyone would love him, just like lovable Larry Flynt, and nobody would know he had actually been crippled by the world's worst case of crabs, which he got from Marilyn Monroe, who got them from Larry Flynt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 01:45:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > Looks like Queer Eye for the "Straight" Flea Market Vendor is working, > then. Cue Joe Rogan saying, "What's 'the booth'? Oh, I thought it was a new thing," and then making out with Andy Dick and Dave Foley on top of Lots42's fancy little card table while Stephen Root takes Polaroids. Then cut to that commercial where Lots42 wakes up in bed with Burger King and for breakfast they both drink orange juice with Popeye and get married to Bugs Bunny. Next up, an episode of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" where Conan says that he's gay, says that Max is gay, says that Joel is gay, and says that Lots42 is still straight. His guests are the Fab Five from "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", who discuss how to gussy up your fabulous little flea market booth to sell more of those ceramic kitties glued to doilies. One of the kitties could wear a kitschy little pirate hat! -- K. I'm having really hot chili tonight. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 02:15:23 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > See, optical illusions can lead to real-world effects. But the "real" world _is_ an optical illusion! Those of you who divide what you see up into "real" and "illusion" are such elitist snobs. Give up! Admit it's all fake! You're not sitting in a chair in a house! You just think you are, in reality it's just you and Doug Henning sitting inside a big black limbo set, horribly deviating from the script of "Our Town"! > > Also, the gay guy was rude and crude today. > > Oh, that was just another optical illusion. He just seemed rude and > crude because he was wearing diagonal stripes. I was just thinking about the emotional effect of colors and patterns (I was watching a Seijun Suzuki movie, and of course those sort of musings come naturally to you if you've ever worked as a graphic designer and expose yourself to Suzuki films -- this was the one where the nightclub had the telephones that were white on one side and black on the other) and I had the idea that painting the walls with yellow and black diagonal "hazard" stripes would be the idea look for a torture chamber, because you wouldn't be able to even just sit still in it without feeling nauseous. (And if you moved your head at all, whammo, instant vertigo.) But then I thought that if I were ever in a room like that it wouldn't work on me because I'd start talking about Network 23's exciting slate of programming including Mexican scumball championships and the big upcoming raking tournament right after this blipvert for Zi-Zi-ZikZak. -- K. Dave, I've got a whole set of china in here! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:02:04 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > So, considering that the nicer I make the booth look, the better > > sales are, I made the booth look extra fancy and got damned good sales. > > And thus this work-at-home course in Economics 205 concludes with an, er, > passing grade. They don't call it "Home Economics" any more because that freaks out the male students who don't know what they're getting into. So now they just call it "Housewifery". Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed because you have to pretend it's a baby, and then the next week you learn to make delicious yellow cake to use up your baby? The year after I went through junior high, they decided all the boys had to take two units of shop and two of Home Ec, but I was in the lucky olden days when boys got to take four semesters of shop. Wood, metal, plastics, photography, printing, and making an electric buzzer were all covered, and then when I got to high school, I elected for the most manly shop of all, drafting (those huge T-squares are the ultimate medieval weapon.) To this day, I have still never baked even the most rudimentary cake, though I make a mean curry. > > Also, the gay guy was rude and crude today. > > It's called 'bitchiness' when gay guys do it, you know. He's just > upset that you (and possibly yer mom, you didn't say) out-prettied him. > Give him a couple of decorating tips and he'll recover. Or at least > get his bar back over halfway full. What's a "bar back"? Is that when someone like Lots has little diamond- shaped marks on their back from being held down on the pool table? -- K. And what a "decorating tip"? Is that one of those French ticklers for a cookie gun? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Last flea market shift Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:03:20 -0500 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Lots, have you yet had to do the thing where you have to carry > > an egg around all week and keep it from getting smashed > > Yes. > > But it turns out there were brain parasites in the eggs and I got brainwashed > into helping to try and free and a monster from underneath the school. Well, that's only sort of gay. There must be more that you're not telling us. -- K. So what was the monster into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the birdies are singing what I want to sing Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 02:11:12 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Still no snow here. But it got down to 13 last night (that's ten below > zero C, or minus one Kevin), What's that on the Sulu scale? And can _your_ phaser fire three separate beams in different directions at the same time to make three different red light bulbs inside three different Styrofoam rocks light up? > and I found out today when I went to do my laundry (I have CLEAN UNDERWEAR > again, FEAR ME!) Okay, so we'll fear you for the next five minutes, until you rejoin the Keebler Fudge Stripe club, silly elf. > that my _fabric softener_ had frozen! And had your fabric freezener softened? > Not solid, but more like blue Dairy-Queen extrudable ice-softener-cream. > Never had that happen before. Then you haven't been going to Dairy Queen often enough. Try their new chlorinated Razzleblorox which mixes three types of berry juice with enough bleach to get it out of anything you spill it on. > And since it was both blue, and in a state of matter it ougnt not to > have been, I felt I had to share it with y'all'uns. I noticed that the "gourmet" ice cream companies like Haagen Dazs are now making intentionally runny semi-liquid ice creams that they call "mousse", "pudding-style", "creme brulee", etc. They're basically McDonalds milkshakes at four times the price. But at least you don't have to worry about them ever changing consistency if you get them too warm or cold -- they're perma-slurried. -- K. Mmm, slurriffic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 03:04:22 -0500 [www9.sbs.com.au] -> -> POOPY FLAG-STANDS BAFFLE POLICE -> 14.1.2005. 11:30:52 -> -> A yearlong search to find who is responsible for sticking -> small American flags into piles of dog droppings in public -> parks in Germany has so far been fruitless. Now you're just giving them ideas. They're going to start sticking flags into fruit, or sticking fruit into poop. -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl, parks -> administrator in Bayreuth, southern Germany. What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? He's German! He should be counting them, marking them on a giant map, categorizing and numbering all of them! -> The sporadic series of incidents was originally thought to be -> a protest against the US-led invasion of Iraq. When it -> continued it was thought to be a protest against President -> George W Bush's campaign for re-election. -> -> Bayreuth police say they are completely baffled. It's rare to hear of a protest designed to completely baffle the authorities actually completely baffling the authorities. Bravo, you magnificent bastards! -> "We have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is -> doing this in the act," said police spokesman Reiner Kuechler. In Germany, there is no more heinous crime than confusing the authorities! -> But he offered no suggestions as to what the offender would -> be charged with if caught. "Poopflagging" isn't a crime, because it isn't even a word... yet. -> Legal experts said there was no law against using faeces as a -> flag stand and the federal constitution was vague on the issue. Dear Germany, please tell your legal experts to stop worrying about which parts of the German constitution specify the standards for displaying American flags. We don't try to keep your flag out of our poop, so don't go worrying about our flag. Our flag can take care of itself. You know what would be even better? Sticking flags of imaginary countries into poop. That would really confuse the German police, especially if you did it in Germany. -- K. I'm really surprised the German constitution doesn't mention poop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Silliest political protest ever -- I like it! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 17:57:19 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "This has been going on for about a year now, and there must > > -> be 2,000 to 3,000 piles of excrement that have been thusly > > -> adorned during that time," said Josef Oettl > > > > What's Germany coming to when the local parks administrator > > can only estimate how many piles of poop have been defaced? > > That's a lot of flags. Either someone got their hands on some leftover > freebies or they're spending a lot of money to be only moderately funny. I think that's what makes it funny. Nobody could possibly want to spend so much money on a completely pointless prank, and yet they did, and such a contradiction which vexes as it amuses. It reminds me of the time I hired Martin Landau to make that extra-stupid episode of "Space: 1999" which I then snuck into Gerry Anderson's vault and nobody realizes that there's this one fake episode on the "Space: 1999" DVDs because obviously nobody would ever spend fifteen million dollars just to confuse "Space: 1999" fans, if any. > Can't they just find an outlet for those specific kinds of American > flags and find out who's been ordering them by the case? I was assuming they were just laser-printing hundreds of little business-card size rectangles of paper and taping them to swizzle sticks. That's the way I did it when I... but I have said enough. I mean, Ich habe genug gesagt. I mean, I have said enough! I KNOW NOTHINK! -- K. I need to print up hundreds of little Kibonia flags. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More slathering with Vaseline in the news Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:23:49 -0500 Remember the guy who kept coating the insides of hotel rooms with Vaseline? Here's _this_ month's slimy Vaseline fetishist. [www.pottsmerc.com] -> -> Man sentenced for open lewdness -> -> Carl Hessler Jr., chessler@pottsmerc.com -> 01/19/2005 -> -> NORRISTOWN -- A 40-year-old Lansdale man has admitted -> engaging in a lewd act while watching girls play soccer near -> a local elementary school. -> -> [...] -> -> When police arrived at the scene they discovered Cassell, who -> gave police a false name, sitting in his vehicle. [...] -> -> "He was very nervous, wearing loose fitting shorts with no -> other clothing, and he had a tremendous amount of Vaseline -> covering his entire body and the interior of his vehicle," -> Lansdale police officer George Johnson wrote in the criminal -> complaint. "You see, officer, it's that urban legend come horribly true. I was driving home from work in my tanker truck full of Vaseline, and my wife planned to surprise me with this new Cadillac convertible, but I thought she was cheating on me, so I filled the car with Vaseline, and now I'm driving it over to the car wash to pay five bucks to have them get it completely clean." (I was going to make a "Babylon 5" reference here, but I didn't think it could possibly be worth it.) -> Inside Cassell's vehicle, police found pornographic -> magazines, sex toys, women's garter bands and leggings, and -> a jar of Vaseline, according to the arrest affidavit. How come these pervs never buy the version that comes in the squeeze tube? The tube's more fun to use, and easier to hide in your sock when you go to the public library. -> When Cassell was arrested and searched, police discovered he -> was wearing a pair of women's thong underwear under his -> shorts, according to court documents. When questioned by -> police, he admitted to having a problem masturbating in -> public places, according to court documents. Maybe tinted windows would make it easier. And wait a minute! Officer Johnson's criminal report said "loose fitting shorts with no other clothing"! So he couldn't have been wearing lacy under-undies under the manly over-undies! Oh, Johnson's going to get in trouble for screwing up his report so that they can't prosecute the guy wearing the contradictory underpanties. -> According to state law, by pleading guilty to the charge of -> open lewdness, Cassell admitted that he committed a lewd act, -> which he knew was likely to be observed by others who would -> be affronted or alarmed. Ah, I always love the sentence at the very bottom of the inverted pyramid. "Lewd acts are acts which are lewd, and are generally considered naughty, and sometimes lewd." -- K. Sentences are series of words which fill up space. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If I get blowed up tomorrow, don't worry, it was not unexpected. Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2005 18:45:50 -0500 Uh oh. Panic grips Boston yet again over some sort of vague, bogus terrorist threat somewhere in... Mexico? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Boston terror threat probed -> -> By Tom Farmer and Michele McPhee -> -> Wednesday, January 19, 2005 -> -> Federal and state authorities are investigating a nuclear -> terrorist threat against Boston after a man calling from -> Mexico told California police that he smuggled two Iraqis and -> four Chinese over the border, the Boston Herald has learned. Would this be the border between Boston and Mexico or the border between Boston and China? -> ``They got a call from across the border in Mexico to the -> California Highway Patrol and he said he brought two Iraqis -> and four Chinese (individuals) across the border and -> according to him, they stated soon to follow behind them -> would be some sort of material,'' said a law enforcement -> source familiar with the investigation. OH NO! IT MIGHT BE SMELLY CORDUROY!!! -> ``He refers to some sort of nuclear material that will follow -> them through New York up into Boston.'' "It will be in the form of a giant robotic puppy that can follow people for thousands of miles before it explodes." -> According to the source, the caller has not identified -> himself and did not show up for a meeting with federal -> investigators in California but he did leave pictures of -> four Chinese men and some names at a ``drop'' site at the -> Mexico-California border. -> -> ``They were dropped by the source at a location. He literally -> threw them over a fence from Mexico to the U.S. side,'' said -> the source. ``There are pictures of the four Chinese and some -> names but just how accurate they are remains a question'' "For instance, we don't think any of the guys really has a big crayon speech-balloon hovering over their head saying 'I am a booger-face.' Fortunately, the person who retouched these photos used an American-made crayon, and all American-made crayons leave tiny microscopic serial numbers in everything they write, so we can make a really awesome 'CSI' episode out of this." -> Massachusetts law enforcement officials were notified of the -> threat at 5:30 a.m. today through the FBI and Boston Police -> Joint Terrorist Task Force. -> -> The threat was serious enough that Mayor Menino ordered the -> Fire Commissioner and the state's Homeland Security Chief -> into his office at City Hall, where they met with officials -> from the CIA, FBI, and Homeland Security Immigration and -> Customs Enforcement agency, a high-ranking city official told -> the Herald. However, the meeting got sidetracked when they spent three hours trying to figure out if there was a way they could turn City Hall right-side-up. (It's one silly-looking building.) -> ``They are desperately trying to piece it together,'' said -> the offial, who added that if the threat is real it is ``very -> scary.'' Then the offial typed the information into his offog. -> A company that trains explosive-sniffing dogs said it was -> alerted that the canines would be searching for a ``dirty -> bomb,'' a New York City law enforcement official said -> yesterday. It's great that they've now got dogs that can sniff out radioactive material. I wonder whether they smell the gamma rays or just the neutrons? -> The Massachusetts investigator said much of the man's -> information sounds far-fetched and investigators have some -> doubts about the caller's validity because he has not -> identified himself. -> -> ``A lot of it doesn't make sense and some of it does,'' said -> the source. ``It's totally uncorroborated. This all began -> several days ago as a series of phone calls and they don't -> know who the caller is. There are some parts of it that just -> don't make sense and other little pieces of it that fall into -> place. The information is these people that came into the -> country are going to New York into Boston and the (nuclear) -> material will follow them.'' Uh oh. One of the elevators in my apartment building was reserved for moving late last night. I wonder whether a terrorist was moving in or moving out. -> The source said there is speculation the caller may have been -> ripped off by illegal immigrants he helped over the border -> and is now trying to exact revenge. When someone wrongs me, I prefer inexact, scattershot revenge. It's just easier, and more fun. -> ``It's very weird. Even if (the Iraqis and Chinese) were -> going to do something why would they be blabbing to the yahoo -> smuggling them across the border? You have to wonder if they -> screwed him on a deal but you have to treat it seriously and ->