From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:25:52 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > > > Your Monaco Poio Season watch is a knock-off Tag Heuer > > Andrew Pearson and his crime-fighting squad of wristwatch connoisseurs > strikes again for great justice! > > The subsequent description of how fake watchmakers do business puts > a new light on all those spams I've been getting for replica watches. > Oddly enough, they seem to have stopped recently. Did they go to > prison? And what's a chrono button? That's the button which releases chronoton particles which allow your starship to travel back to the cheap backlot sets of the 20th century, but remember, time travel is only possible in the first five minutes and last two minutes of every hour. The rest has to be taken up with filler such as a dommed romance, intrigue, and pontification about the nature of man's place in yawn change the channel. > I remember shopping in Chinatown in New York City, and alongside > all the pirate DVD's, there were shops with a STAGGERING array of > cheap knockoff watches. Entire stores where that's all they sold. > Well, that and jewelry sometimes. Now, there must be people out > there who like being presented with a staggering array of > slightly-different items, all of which cost 1% of what they would > cost if they were real, or maybe people walk in and go "Well, even > if it's fake, it'll fool my dumb friends, as long as I hide it when > Andrew Pearson is around, and as long as it doesn't turn my wrist > green and give me time cancer." It's Time Herpes you really need to watch out for. It causes lesions which never go away, and they spread both backwards and forwards through time so that eventually you'll remember having had them when you were in kindergarten. > That's why I bought a Timex Easy-Reader, That's far out, uptight and outta sight! Did you also buy the plain wooden chair advertised during the interminable soap-opera parodies on that show? > because I'm not about to insult my friends' intelligence. Also, > sub-dials are too tiny for me, so I might as well. Though, if I > could get one that had a legible compass in it, that would be > pretty useful for travel. I think one with a car or airplane in it would be more useful for travel. Or that little wrist time machine from Arthur C. Clarke's "All The Time In The World", which was once dramatized in a 1952 episode of "Tales Of Tomorrow" which was one of the few _not_ sponsored by Kreisler watchbands. It was sponsored by a carpet company. This begs the question of whether they ever did an episode about a magic carpet so Kreisler could be the revenge sponsor. -- K. I still want that watch Hasselhoff had on "Knight Rider". Also that laser that could make all watches in the world explode in Hasselhoff's "Light Blast". Am I the only one who's seen that movie? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Editorial columnist discovers "fudge" is funny, but misses "nougat" Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 16:55:50 -0500 Short shameful confession: Last night I watched the classic Japanese light comedy film "Giants and Toys", which is about the bitter rivalry between three caramel companies (one of which hires an untalented teenage girl with bad teeth to be their spokesperson, mainly because she sticks out her tongue a lot) and every time they said "caramel" (actually "karameru") I thought, "You know, fudge and nougat are much funnier than caramel. To say nothing of the holy nougatine." Anyway, here's the only CBS News article I've ever seen which uses the word "fudge" this many times. [www.cbsnews.com] -> -> Let Granny Eat Grass -> -> WASHINGTON, Jan. 27, 2005 -> This column from The American Prospect was written by Charles P. Pierce. -> -> I'm following with some interest the argument about which -> adjective we're going to hang on the president's plans for -> Social Security. (I have yet to hear from the White House -> communications shop on my suggestion -- "The Let Granny Eat -> Grass Act Of 2005" -- and, I confess, I am not optimistic.) -> It appears that we journalists are failing in our important -> role as constitutionally sanctioned conveyor belts if we -> refer to the administration's schemes as "private accounts," -> now that all the people who believe in such accounts, like -> the president, have decided that they will use the word -> "personal" instead. Which also means that the words I've come -> to use to describe the notion -- "rat holes," say, or -> "Enron-bait" -- also are right out. So then Captain Joseph Hazelwood crashed the Enron Valdez into Drexel, Burnham, and Orson Welles, and... may the bluebird of happiness deposit nougat in your ear canal. Thank you, thank you, thank you, this has been A Moment With Johnny Carson. He was universally beloved, just like Bob Hope, because he was always funny, just like Bob Hope, and he was never mean, just like Bob Hope. -> I heard this argument just the other day from Frank Luntz, -> who is famous for getting groups to say what he wants them to -> say by locking them in a room in Secaucus with nothing but a -> cheese platter and his own sunny presence. Frankly, I don't -> know why he hasn't been hauled away to The Hague for doing -> this, but that is not for small minds to ponder. Anyway, on -> the radio the other day, Luntz pointed out that anyone who -> still uses the word "private" in reference to the president's -> Social Security initiative is betraying a bias against the -> plan solely because the president is calling the proposed -> accounts "personal accounts" now and, therefore, we all -> should do so, too. Also, anyone who uses the words "privates" to refer to the crotch of any reporter who goes along with Presidential cabinet requests to modify the English language should instead say "dickless". -> The two words are hardly interchangeable. To get personal is -> almost always to violate privacy. Everything that is private -> is personal, but not everything personal is private, as -> Madonna once explained to Aristotle. But what about Joan Collins? That woman sleeps with everyone! And then there was the time Orson Welles slept with Twiggy and... May the great bird of nougatine peck your eyeball during a Metallica concert. Wait, did Johnny Carson even know what a Metallica concert was? Better make it The Beatles. -> For example, privates are always personal, but personals are -> not always private. Some of them come with Post Office boxes -> and advertise in America's finest alternative newspapers. Those are great for those times you want to date someone who's never heard of the Internet. -> And, anyway, this is a startling development on a lot of levels. -> I believe it bestows on the president a power undreamed of by -> our Founding Fathers -- or, for that matter, by the Marx Brothers. I heard that the Marx brothers -- Drexel, Burnham, and Lambert -- were in a boat with Raquel Welch and... aw, hell with it, Carson's dead enough for me now. -> (It is legend now that the president regularly calls Karl -> Rove "Turd Blossom." I think that would have been a more -> appropriate test of the new power that Luntz says is inherent -> in the presidency than this whole personal-private wrangle. -> Editors at The New York Times, please take note.) -> -> I mean, if the president decides to refer to his vice -> president as "Trigger," or "Cheetah," or "Charlize Theron," -> does that mean everyone has to do it? I'm no -> mass-communications expert, but I'm reasonably sure that a -> caption beneath a picture of Dick Cheney in high snarl that -> reads "Vice President Charlize Theron meets with reporters" -> isn't going to do a lot for the tattered credibility of my -> profession. Frankly, I don't think folks are going to believe -> us. OK, maybe the Podhoretz boys will, but you get the point. I don't know what a Podhoretz is, but it sounds like something that would be topped with sour cream. Otherwise, yes, we've _all_ seen the photos of Dick Cheney in the frilly pink panties. Sure, a lot of people don't know they've seen those photos, but trust me, he was wearing panties under his suit all right. And then there were those photos of Bush during the debates, where he had a mysterious rectangular hunchback under his jacket. I wonder what his name was? -> Back when I was a full-time sportswriter, I used to have to -> spend a month every year driving around that part of Florida -> we like to call Lower Mississippi in order to visit the -> various baseball training camps. I was always struck by a -> huge sign along the road from Winter Haven to Orlando that -> advertised "Goat Milk Fudge!" I mean, they seemed so proud. -> At first, I thought it was some strange, local exclamation -- -> to wit, "Goat Milk Fudge, Mother, don't that gator look like -> Uncle Dud?" It turned out that it was exactly what was advertised: -> fudge made with goat's milk. It wasn't bad, either. -> -> Now, just suppose that, next week, Luntz manages to shanghai -> the usual suspects into his customary dungeon in the -> Anastasia Room of the Nolo Contendere Hilton. I don't get it. They have a Hilton in Shanghai now? -> Desperate to be released, and with the tiny cubes of cheddar -> dwindling to a tiny handful, the poor inmates decide to tell -> Luntz anything in the hope that it will speed their release. -> So 70 percent of them say that they would be more in favor -> of the president's plan if, instead of being called private -> accounts, those elements were called Goat Milk Fudge. Luntz -> duly types this up and runs it back to the White House, where -> the president's communications gurus blast-fax the new -> talking points to thousands of tiny Hannities across this -> great land. -> -> Very soon, it is made clear to the major media that they will -> be demonstrating actual bias if they do not refer to the most -> important element of the president's Social Security proposal -> as Goat Milk Fudge. No personal accounts. No private -> accounts. Just Goat Milk Fudge. Nuh-uh. No way am I putting my money into that. I'm holding out for a nougatine account. And not goat milk nougatine, either. -> As in: "The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office yesterday -> expressed doubt about the Goat Milk Fudge that is an -> essential part of President Bush's ambitious attempt to -> overhaul Social Security." -> -> Or, "Republican congressional leaders yesterday accused House -> Democrats of unwarranted partisanship in regards to the Goat -> Milk Fudge section of President Bush's Social Security plan. -> House Majority Leader Tom DeLay angrily accused the Democrats -> of 'playing politics with the freedom of young Americans to -> put their own money in Goat Milk Fudge and watch it grow.'" "Help! My money's been sucked into fudge!" -> Or, "Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman yesterday announced -> himself willing to work with the White House on what he -> called 'responsible proposals, including Goat Milk Fudge,' -> but declined to endorse Goat Milk Fudge that derived from -> existing benefits." Somehow, I bet Joe Lieberman would find a way to make even the word "fudge" sound boring. Either that or he'd just want to forbid me from ever saying a dirty word like "fudge" on the American Internet. -> The fact that it's easy to do doesn't mean we should do it. -> We are, after all, professional political journalists, and -> when we say private, by God, we mean private. -> -> Ken Starr taught us that one. Who? Oh, right, one of the Beatles. Their music is so loud! (How loud is it?) It's so loud, that Ken Starr wears a second pair of earmuffs on his BLANK. (Brett Somers finishes writing Johnny Carson's final joke.) -- K. May the bluebird of fudginess look up your account. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese DVDs confuse me Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 17:38:22 -0500 So I found an import of "Battle Royale" (1-disc edition -- and the live- action one, not the cartoon one) at one of my local stores, and of course I bought it, but then after I got home I noticed the back of the box had "PAL" buried in tiny little letters where normally it would say "NTSC". For once I had picked up a disc without reading through all the little icons on the back and had wound up with an import from England instead of Japan! I felt bad. Then I figured I might as well see what would happen if I put it into my DVD player anyway. I have a high-end Sony player (progressive scan and all that) but a cheap NTSC-only TV so I was curious as to in what way it would fail. It played fine! I felt good. Then when I took the disc out I noticed that the disc itself was marked "NTSC Edition". The box had lied! I felt bad. So, I still don't know what happens if I put a PAL DVD into my player. I feel a vague ennui. -- K. I also bought a Japanese import of Miike's "Blues Harp" but passed over an import of "Rainy Dog" because I couldn't remember which part of the Black Society Trilogy it is and didn't want to watch the violence out of sequence. I demand sequential violence! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japanese DVDs confuse me Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:42:00 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I found an import of "Battle Royale" (1-disc edition -- and the > > live- action one, not the cartoon one) at one of my local stores, and > > of course I bought it, but then after I got home I noticed the back of > > the box had "PAL" buried in tiny little letters where normally it > > would say "NTSC". For once I had picked up a disc without reading > > through all the little icons on the back and had wound up with an > > import from England instead of Japan! I felt bad. > > Our manly Austrian PAL TV's with their 625 scan lines laugh at your puny > 525 scan lines on NTSC! HA! HA! HA! (Even if it just means we get more > black at the top and bottom of the picture - it's like watching a movie > through the mail slot on a small TV.) > > Also, since the newer Austrian PAL TV's can play NTSC DVDs fine, why > can't yours play PAL discs? Americal TVs are locked to our manly 60-cycle power grid. Very few American TVs can play anything but NTSC, simply because there's no need -- anything available in PAL down there has already been available to us in NTSC for about a year before you get it. Try creating your own film and TV industry and then make something that's good enough that Americans will want to watch it if you want us to worry about needing PAL TVs. That's why Japan uses NTSC, because Americans consider some of their stuff worth watching, unlike anything from, say, Botswana, Uruguay, or Australia. Also, NTSC is better than PAL _because_ it has fewer scan lines. -- K. South Korea uses NTSC, North Korea uses PAL, so if you have a multi-system TV you're a Com-symp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:20:26 -0500 Hey guys, need some dating tips? Well, listen to these 101 tips from those masters of romance -- the British -- and then don't do any of these! [www.megastar.co.uk] -> -> Not got a date this Valentines? Here's why. You haven't used -> any (or all) of MegaStar's 101 Ways to Get a Slap, otherwise -> known as the 101 Best-Ever Chat-Up Lines since the Last 101 -> Were Printed. -> -> Take stock of this huge stack of cheeky chat-up lines - of -> varying styles, effectiveness and degrees of corniness - for -> Valentines Day. -> -> Try at your own risk: Can I do snappy comebacks for all 101 before I get bored? Let's find out! -> "God must have been in a very good mood the day we met." "And now God's going to enjoy seeing me punch you." -> "Congratulations! You've been voted 'Most Beautiful Girl In -> This Room' and the grand prize is a night with me!" "So second prize is two nights with you?" -> "Hi. You'll do." Hmm, I might respond well to that one. -> "I hope we are laughing together this time next year." "Tell you what. No matter where you happen to be, I promise I'll be laughing at you." -> "All those curves, and me with no brakes." "Wait, there's no 'k' in 'branes'." -> "Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and -> sop you up with a biscuit!" I'm sorry, that line is so pathetic that no comeback is needed. -> "Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?" "No." (Pickup lines for losers should not take the form of yes-or-no questions. They should take the form of questions that are impossible to answer without accidentally having sex.) -> "Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth, quick!" "Everyone knows you don't give mouth-to-mouth when someone's choking. Let me get my giant rectal speculum." -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to -> make a goddess." "Were your parents cousins?" -> "Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I -> borrow yours?" "No." See how easy this is when they use yes-or-no questions? -> "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!" "I'm sorry, I don't want to see your little Pebbles." -> "Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?" "And do you want to be buried or cremated?" -> "Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?" "Are you asking me out just so you can double your wardrobe?" -> "You, me, handcuffs, and whipped cream: interested?" That might work on me, provided I've remembered to bring my handcuffs to the bar that night. -> "Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you." "Really? The only voice I hear in my head is some loser trying to pick me up." -> "Come back to my place and if you don't like it, I swear I'll -> give you a full refund." "Tell you what. Let me double your IQ. I'll slap your face, and that'll make it smart, or double no money back." -> "That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor." "Those are nice eyes, my parrot would love them." -> "Have you ever played leap frog naked?" Again, too pathetic for a comeback. It's the sort of line where you'd just give the other person a combination withering-glare-of- malice-combined-with-pity-for-the-idiot-who-tried-that-on-you. I call that look my "expression 3A". -> "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep -> until the afternoon." "And if you try anything with me, you'll sleep forever. Just like Grandma. By the way, hope you don't mind sharing the attic with what's left of her." -> "Will you marry me for just one night?" "Well, I am a legally ordained minister of Scientology, so, sure, just give me the five thousand dollar honorarium and sign this contract willing your eternal soul to L. Ron, and I'll have you married to Kirstie Alley in no time." -> "There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like -> one more?" "How would you like 265 more, after I break each in half?" -> "Picture this, you, me, bubble bath and a bottle of -> champagne." "Picture this, you me, handcuffs, and a big vial of date-rape drugs." -> "So darling, want to see why the girls call me tri-pod?" "Why, are you the one who always has to stay in the very back during weddings?" -> "Lie down. I think I love you." "Lie down. I think I'm gonna throw up." -> "I've not had sex in two years. No matter what you did, kiss -> me all over, dance for me, or wear provocative outfits, I -> would not give in. Want to test me?" "Sorry, I don't have sex with losers who pretend they're lying about never having sex who actually will never have sex." -> "Excuse me, do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want -> one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you." "Here's a cigarette, now fuck off." -> "You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together -> sometime." "Too late, you're already putting me to sleep. YAWN!" -> "Do you want to see the soles of your feet in the wing -> mirrors of my car?" "Do you want to see up your own rectum when I pull out one of your eyes and shove it up your ass before giving the other to my parrot? Gee, I'm sorry, that was kind of dark, but let's move beyond that so we can go back to my place and I can cut you up with a chainsaw." -> "Hello, do you like fat guys with no money?" "No, I like money with no fat guys." -> "Can I add a branch to your family tree?" "Sorry, we already have a knothead." -> "Football players can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different -> positions. Just thought you should know that." "Sorry, we already have a knothead. I mean, it's too bad you're a football player. Because I'm a hockey player, and we do it until the other person has blood streaming down their face from where our skates cut them. Hey, do you have a razor blade?" -> "Didn't you go to ********* primary school?" "Didn't you go to The School For The Extremely Retarded?" -> "I'm going to try and chat you up. If nothing else, it'll -> give you a good laugh." "And now you've failed at that, too." -> "I may not be the best looking bloke/girl, but I'm the only -> one here talking to you." "But at least I'm not the only one here who thinks you're ugly." -> "Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the -> beautiful smile." "Hey, don't I know you? Knothead from The School For The Extremely Retarded?" -> "Wow, are those real?" (pointing to his brain) "Hey, is that real? Or is it kapok?" -> "Are you wearing mirrored pants? Cos I can see myself in them -> tonight." "Do these pants make you look stupid?" -> "Cor, babe, you've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon!" "I'm sorry, he doesn't do penis extensions." -> "Hi, my name is ****, how do you like me so far?" "I feel an intense, passionate hated for you which grows without bound during every passing second you fruitlessly hope to score with me." -> "If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it -> for me?" "You could wear it on your way home." -> "I'm Welsh. Do you have any Welsh in you? Would you like -> some?" "You're Welsh? I'm sober. Get lost." -> "If I pet you, would you follow me home?" "But it's such a long walk to The Home For The Terminally Lame." -> "Haven't we met, I hardly recognise you with your clothes on?" "And now you're _never_ going to recognize me." -> "Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It's just like a -> French kiss, but down under." "Sure, but first, let me give you a Hawaiian punch." -> "I want you to have my children. In fact, you can have them -> right now, they're out in the car." "But how will Mrs. Idiot feel about that?" -> "I hope you know first aid, because you take my breath away!" "Sure, let me get out my giant rectal speculum... Aw, shoot, some other asshole's got it." -> "I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of -> heaven." This is another one which is so lame that it deserves no snappy comeback about him going to heaven to be best friends with Michael Landon. -> "You look really hot! You must be the real reason for global -> warming." "Stop trying to blame it on me, fartman." -> "Are those space pants? Because your bum looks out of this -> world!" "It's too bad your crotch isn't a little meteor." (The only problem with that one is that you'd have to spell out the "meatier"/"meteor" pun for the drunk, and then you'd feel like "Highlights For Drunk Children", and it would all be a colossal waste of time, so you should just say, "Yes, these are space pants, PUNY HUMAN!" and then zap him with your death ray.) -> "I am a magical being, take off your bra." "I am a magical being, grow a penis." -> "I've just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant -> by Christmas." "That's too slow, because I can have you whacked by tomorrow." -> "I feel like Richard Gere and I'm standing next to you, the -> Pretty Woman." "And by a bizarre coincidence, I happen to have brought a gerbil for you." -> "Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written -> all over you." "Are you illegally parked? 'Cause you're about to get the boot." -> "If being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!" "But if I slept with you, I could plead not guilty by reason of insanity." -> "Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to -> sit on it." That's is another one which is too lame to be worthy of a comeback, as with any other pick-up line beginning with "Your ass is..." -> "Wow, this is amazing, this is the first time every one of my -> 32 personalities found you cute!" "And this is the first time all 32 are going to get slapped in alphabetical order." -> "When God made you, he was showing off." "And when God made you, he was jerking off." -> "Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them -> in your thighs?" "And did he steal the brains from your cranium and put them in a pink geranium?" -> "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by -> again?" "Sorry, I'm blind to idiots." -> "I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates -> me a little." That one would definitely work on me, again provided I had the handcuffs. -> "Excuse me, do you live around here often?" I really don't know how to respond to something that lame. Maybe I'd just do a breakdance while making farting noises with my armpits. -> "Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me -> down. Go ahead say no." "Here, let me hold your hand... okay, go ahead say 'uncle'." -> "Would you like to see me naked?" "Yes, being eaten alive by wolves." -> "I'm not trying anything on, I always put my hands there." I don't even follow the logic of whatever that one was. I guess I'm just not dumb enough to understand these pick-up lines. -> "Hello, here's 20 quid. Drink until I am really good looking, -> then come to talk to me." "Then you'd better leave me all your credit cards." -> "Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?" "Your lips look so lonely. Let me introduce you to five friends of mine..." (*socko*) -> "Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?" "I don't know, I think _I'm_ too tall for that." -> "Your legs must be tired because you've been running through -> my mind all night." "Yeah, and now they'll be kicking you in the crotch all night." -> "Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" "Oh, it'll cost you, all right... it'll cost you your IMMORTAL SOUL!" -> "I'm on top of things in my life. Would you like to be one -> of them?" "I like to take life by the horns. Gimme the one from your tricycle." -> "Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 -> inches and it isn't floppy." "Let me get this straight. You're trying to pick me up by telling me you're not only a nerd, you're not even 3.5 inches? You've got some balls bragging about how dickless you are." -> "You make my software turn to hardware!" "And now, prepare to experience dumpware." -> "Shhh - I'm a spy. Are you Natasha, my contact?" "No, here's your contact--" (poke him in the eye) -> "Are you busy tonight at 3am, baby?" "Are you going to cry if I turn you down, baby?" -> "I'm not drunk...I'm just intoxicated by you." "Yeah, you're positively stupefied." -> "I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went -> to this cheap hotel room." "Well, at least he'll be having sex even though you won't." -> "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes." "Let's see... oh, yes, I do have a map of Losertown... population... (dramatic pause, whip out a Casio keyboard to play three notes) Y! O! U!" -> "Are you a goddess. Then why do I want to kneel before you?" That's another one which would work on me, except for the "goddess" part. -> "Hey gorgeous, you must be a light switch, cos every time I -> see you, you turn me on!" "What an embarrassing attempt. And now you're getting flushed." -> "Fancy a drink and some lovemaking?" If the answer is no, -> reply: "What, you don't drink?" "So, you don't have any idea what would happen if someday someone says 'yes', eh?" -> "You know, you might be asked to leave this place soon. -> You're making the other women look really bad." "It would be a shame if I had to leave, because suddenly you're making all these other guys look really handsome." -> "When they made the alphabet they should have put U and I -> together." "Why don't you go put F and U up your ass?" -> "I think I can die happy now, 'cause I've just seen a piece -> of heaven." RERUN DETECTED -- INITIATE RECORDED RESPONSE INSTEAD OF MY USUAL SNAPPY OFF-THE-CUFF WITTICISM -> "I've been hoping to talk to you all night." "And I hope you never stop hoping." -> "My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love." (assuming it's a man hitting on a woman:) "Really? Looks more like they're turning gay from so many strikeouts." -> "If I follow you home, will you keep me?" Again, handcuffs. -> "Do you have a plaster? Because I grazed my knee when I fell -> for you, just now." Again, giant rectal speculum. -> "If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!" "No you wouldn't, because I'm 100% idiot-proof." -> "Inheriting 80 million quid doesn't mean much when you have -> a weak heart." "Especially because all the money in the world can't buy you a personality." -> "I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for a -> religious experience." Again, Scientology, maybe with handcuffs. -> "So, do you like fat guys with no money?" Again, rerun. -> "You're ugly but you intrigue me." "Really? 'Cause you're even uglier but you bore me." -> Lick your finger, wiping it on the girl's t-shirt and say: -> "Let's get you out of these wet clothes." That one's so pathetic it calls for a Bugs Bunny response, probably involving sticking dynamite into his ears. -> "I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me -> down. Do you fancy a date?" "No, no, no!!! That's odd, I'm still unsatisfied. Let me do it some more: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe... naah, definitely not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no!!! Now fuck off, I'm now satisfied... that you're a loser." -> "Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice -> set of buns." "Yeah, and it's sure better than your tiny little salted nut roll." -> "Your eyes are like spanners... every time you look at me my -> nuts tighten!" That one's kind of clever, even if it's written in British English and not Regular English. -> "OK, which chat-up lines haven't you heard yet?" "The good ones." -> "Did the sun just come out, or is it your smile that's -> lighting up the room?" "And does it smell like maple syrup in here, or is it you that's making the room sappy? And by the way, the sun's _outdoors_, Einstein." -> "Live in my heart and pay no rent!" "I'm sorry, it's too small... well, given a choice between living in your heart or your brain, I'd better go with the heart." -> "I don't know you, but I think I love you already." "Really? 'Cause I don't know you, but I hate you already." -> "You must be a broom - you've swept me off my feet!" "And you must be a vacuum cleaner, 'cause you suck." Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW? -- K. This article wasted two hours of my valuable time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:00:29 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) writes: > > > > Well, no. I've lost relatives and friends to cancer, but as far as I can > > tell, it's no more horrific (or funny or whatever) than any other cause > > of death. Why are some fatalities funny and others not? > > We used to have a meme about this, if I recall. Cancer was officially > Not Funny, and someone specifically was very concerned about cancer's > intense unfunniness. Or at least we accused Someone Specific of being all > concerned, whether they were or not. I'm concerned that all this attention being given to cancer causes people to neglect research into the hilarity of other diseases such as AIDS and diabetes and leprosy and quadriplegia and crotch rot. I think that with the proper PR campaign, flesh-eating bacteria could be made hilarious. Expect to see the American Flesh-Eating Bacteria Council putting up posters on the sides of buses with catchy slogans like "Try A Full-Body Flesh-Eating Bacterial Infection, It'll Grow On You!" > Somewhat in response to this, I made a comment that death was always a > laugh riot. A real hootenanny. Fun bar none. If one death could be made > fun of, then by Kibo ALL of them could be, said I. You're right, it would be funny if everyone died! As Archimedes once said, I'll prove omnicide is hilarious if you give me a lever that will blow up the Earth. > Of course, since then I've had to deal with some deaths which were > extremely difficult. That took the sarcastic wind out of my sails pretty > quick. I may not find death funny in even a sarcastic, obnoxious way, but > others do. That's OK. I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. Just because I will find my own death incredibly hilarious (especially if it occurs while having sex in outer space) doesn't mean you're under any obligation to. You can be happy or sad or just donate my corpse to Harvard Medical School to desecrate during a fraternity prank. And if my death makes you angry, you can pound clay. If my death delights you, you can open your window and stick your head out and say "YAY! KIBO DIED AND THAT MAKES TODAY SO SPECIAL THAT I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HAVE AN EXTRA BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS YEAR WITH DOUBLE ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE WHO ISN'T KIBO!" And if you want to bury me in a pyramid with hundreds of slaves I can take to the afterlife, that's okay too, especially because slave snuff is funny because of alliteration. It's so hilarious that the first time I typed this, it actually came out "snave sluff is funny" and you gotta admit, snav sluff isn't merely funny, it's absowacky. -- K. Also, the phrase "Communist midget" is funny, even though I'm not a midget and therefore not a Communist. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:42:56 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, > > when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because > > Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. Just because I will find > > my own death incredibly hilarious (especially if it occurs while having > > sex in outer space) doesn't mean you're under any obligation to. > > Excellent, because I've got a hundred bucks that your cause of death > will be 6263, Asphyxia, Erotic, Not Otherwise Specified, and it pays > out at something around 50 to 1. Sorry, don't think so. But is there a category for "Hot Sauce Overdose"? > [...] > > You should be able to set up a legal arrangement where your body is > donated via post to some stranger chosen at random. I think it would be funnier if I just died in some random person's home. If I ever have a terminal illness, I'll try that, but the timing might be difficult. Especially if the randomly-chosen person lives in the White House. Hey, it _could_ happen. 'Course, with my luck, the computer would randomly choose a mortician. And that would be a boring person to die around. Morticians are boring! -- K. And accountants are creepy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 21:15:26 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > > > [...] I cried a little at the end of The Ghost And Mrs. Muir > > which I watched with a manly male friend last Sunday. > > Doesn't everybody? No. > The geekiness test is whether you cry at the end of Desk Set too, when > Tracy ends up with Hepburn /and/ computers and librarians work together in > in harmony. I thought it was whether you cried at the end of "Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan". If you cried throughout "Star Trek V", that's different. -- K. I like "Desk Set". By the way, why isn't there a nice ultra-widescreen DVD of "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 21:08:11 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > I've left instructions that when I die, I want to be wadded up, triple- > bagged, and left on the curb for Bulk Pickup. <== yes, yes. ...whenever David Boyd becomes angry or enraged, he turns into... THE WADDED BULK! "Rrrrrrrrrrr, I'm wadded good!" So, what color of fingerpaint does your skin turn? > I'm not a very sentimental guy, except I cried a little at the end of > The Ghost And Mrs. Muir which I watched with a manly male friend last > Sunday. No new movies can do that to me, but old ones sometimes can. Was that the movie with Rex Harrison, or the TV series starring the guy who was in that show about the man with the hair's gay car? 'Cause I've only ever seen the latter, and I thought the ghost was boring and the car was total bitch queen. I once cried during "Snoopy, Come Home". But I was like six. First movie I ever saw in a theater. I can only wonder how much better my life would be today if the first movie I ever saw had been something really inspiring, like "A Clockwork Orange". -- K. Or at least a version of "A Boy Named Charlie Brown" where, when the heads explode during the spelling bee, they really explode. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 01:46:13 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I was like six. > > "Like" six? Nono. I donut believe you were ever a child. > The whole thing is too frightening to contemplate. > > Okay. > > Tell us about Childe Kibo. > > Wait. > > Lemme take a Xanax. > > Okay I'm ready. Well, when I was around four years old, I had bright orange hair. Really, I did. It turned dark around the time I entered kindergarten. Favorite toys (at various ages) included a really noisy plastic slot machine, scads of Legos, various noxious chemistry sets, and anything to do with pinball or video games. Liked cats, not dogs (there was a big black one across the street that barked at me all the time, probably 'cause he could sense that he had me scared) though now I like both. (Still prefer cats, though.) Pets included (at various times) a cat, a frog, various ill-fated rodents, SeaMonkeys, and a Venus fly trap. Favorite elementary school class: Math. Least favorites: Gym, and the speech therapy sessions with that scary a-hole who had the Mr. High Hat hand puppet I've mentioned repeatedly since "South Park" premiered. My childhood TV role models: Batman, Superman, Kirk, Friday, Fonzie and/or Potsie, Mork, and whoever wrote those _hilariously dirty_ "Match Game" questions about doo-doo. Never murdered anyone. -- K. Yes, I liked Potsie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 22:55:26 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Never murdered anyone. > > Now I'm depressed. Me too. Hey, know what would cheer me up? A thrill-kill! Disneyland parking garage with sniper rifle, or just push someone off a bridge while making funny animal noises? I'm not sure which would be better. Neither one would be bad... -- K. Hey, look, Andy Rooney's in the Goofy lot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is cancer still riotously funny? Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 18:49:26 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I officially give you permission to feel however you want about my death, > > when it happens. None of this "I'm going to do (arbitrary thing) because > > Dead Kibo would have wanted it that way" crap. > > I'm going to commemorate your death by saying 'I'm going to eat this > grilled cheese sandwich with Hello Kitty burned into it because Dead > Kibo would have wanted it that way!' Well, then, I'll just have to never die. I'm going to become immortal, out of hatred of cheese. Which doctor should I see about that? I know about the secret treatments that make people immortal, but none of the clinics I tried would let me put down "for hatred of cheese" as the excuse. They kept wanting me to choose "insane supervillain" but I'm not insane. Also, if I do die, when you try that little stunt, don't be surprised if I still find a way to burn myself into your bread. -- K. I can burn _anything_. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:12:12 -0500 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Or at any rate there was an "Adult Store" that was giving away free > fireworks with porn around Cracker Night last year. Or maybe it was > free porn with fireworks. One of those. If there was ever a need for a "NOT FOR INTERNAL USE" sign for morons, that was the day. I've never been to a Cracker Night party. Do they put out dips, or just three boxes of crackers? And isn't the $15 cover charge a rip-off? -- K. "WARNING: PORN MAY NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 00:33:32 -0500 Xcott Craver (caj@B-r-a-i-n-H-z.com) wrote: > > My friend Janice and I once put our branes together to think up the > worst possible pickup line of all time. > > The worst we could think up was, "I'm writing a children's book > about three bottles of lotion that live in my car." You're really not any good at being a loser. I'm sure I can think of a far more awful pick-up line than you could. Off the top of my head: "I haven't gone to the bathroom in three weeks and I want to touch your hamburger!" "Do you have a cigarette I can shove into your eyeball so I can sing that Gilbert & Sullivan song about the guy who shoved the lit cigarette into the ugly chick's eyeball?" "I'm reading a children's book about three bottles of lotion that live in my car. I'm almost up to the part about Grandma's wattle." "Which 'Three Stooges' haircut should I give you?" "I keep my enemies list written on a caterpillar and if you try to squish him I'll help him lay eggs in your brain!" "Hello, I invented vomiting. Worship me!" > I suppose that in some mass-murdering scary clown dimension, people > hear that one all the time. It's not a dimension, it's a suburb. Why do you think the locals call it "Braintree"? -- K. So do tell me the entire plot of your children's book. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:58:10 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > What merficfully little I remember of dating many years ago is comprised > of the following pickup lines: > > "Yo momma,what's happening"? > "What's your sign"? > "Hey foxy lady,wanna do a line"? > "My old lady's cool with me seeing other chicks". "What's your sign?" is the sort of pick-up line where you can tell they're pretty dim if they don't realize you've already heard it often enough to think up a witty rejoinder such as "DO NOT ENTER" or "STOP CASTING POROSITY". > One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at > some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants > and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel,usually silk,and a chest so > covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the > jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket(how could I have > forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro in the > nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon,the revolving disco > ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers thumped and > wailed in the background,receeding rapidly as I turned and ran away in terror > with the firm belief that being a young widow working two jobs and going to > school was the only recreation I should be attempting. > It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single again, > unless dating has changed a great_ deal in the past 20 or so years, > I'll not be trying it again. > > I blame John Travolta. Is he also the reason your line-wrapping is so... bumpy? Here, let me have a go at your right margin with my bare hands -- AND IF THAT ISN'T THE WORLD'S GREATEST PICK-UP LINE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! One of these suave pickup lines would usually result in me turning to look at some white guy with a perm wearing skin tight polyester pants and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, usually silk, and a chest so covered with gold chains it was impossible to see anything but the jewelry. And the hair pick in the tiny back pants pocket (how could I have forgotten that?) Usually whipped out to pick at the permed afro in the nearest available viewing surface such as a spoon, the revolving disco ball or the mirror behind the bar as tunes from Donna Summers thumped and wailed in the background, receeding rapidly as I turned and ran away in terror with the firm belief that being a young widow working two jobs and going to school was the only recreation I should be attempting. It's also why I decided should I ever find myself single again, unless dating has changed a _great_ deal in the past 20 or so years, I'll not be trying it again. Isn't that more pleasing to the eyes? It's not a great rag, but still at least now I can read it without suffering whatever sort of pain an overly-ragged margin might cause if it could. As far as silk goes, I recently discovered the incredible usefulness of silk thermal underwear (in black, of course.) It weighs practically nothing but with a layer of that under my T-shirt and leather, I can survive the subzero wind chill here just fine. I got the silk thermals from one of my hunting-supply catalogs. Apparently hunters like to kill things while experiencing silky snug comfort. And now that I have this silk thermal underwear, I understand why all women love wearing pantyhose. Of course, my underwear's better, because instead of being made from petrochemicals it's made from caterpillar poop. -- K. Everything I wear is an animal product, assuming that you consider caterpillars to be real animals just like the far tastier cows and pigs. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:46:25 -0500 Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (paracelsus@gmail.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [bad British pick-up line] > > > -> > > > -> "Were your parents Greek Gods, because it takes two gods to > > > -> make a goddess." > > > > There are biological, theological, and historical problems with > > this one. > > I agree, and I furthermore demand a do-over from Kibo on this one. You are in no position to demand anything, you no-candy-giver you. Gimme candy. Then ask politely. In any case, that pickup line could use a little editing. Shorter is usually better, so if it were cut down to just "Hello, I'm gay!" would work on a lot of women who like to try to convert them. Sheesh, these women and their secret heterosexual unrecruiting agenda. -- K. But bear in mind that in Britain, a "fag" is just a cigarette, and a "fag hag" is just Princess Di. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:24:04 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hooray! I made it through all 101 of these without getting frustrated > > and just yelling "YOU DIE NOW!" to these jerks who obviously deserve > > TO DIE NOW! WHERE'S MY CHAINSAW? > > After Valentine's day, please to be posting jpegs of the facial and > genital damages resulting from use of the chatup lines. > > Also pictures of the result of running amok with the chainsaw. Oh, I don't really want to hurt anyone with a chainsaw. > > This article wasted two > > hours of my valuable time. > > Well, two hours of your time anyway. And to add to the tragedy, > 3 minutes of mine. SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!! -- K. (Need a haircut?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:45:17 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > SHUT UP AND HAND ME THE FUCKING CHAINSAW!!! > > Oh, no need. A butter knife will suffice for cutting open the bagel. You have mistaken alt.religion.kibology for "Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine". Please to be taking your butter-knife porn over there, pervert. > > (Need a haircut?) > > Actually, I will in another week. Thanks for reminding me to make an > appointment with my extremely hot (think Letitia Casta) french coiffeuse. You misspelled "Letitia Baldridge", Rex. And hey, nice cameo in the director's cut of "Superman: The Movie". -- K. Does anyone even know what the hell I ever talk about any more? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:04:35 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My first experience with awful pickup lines came when I was a shy > teenager working at a bakery. The manager went to the bagel shop next > door and brought back a lemonade for me. When I asked him how much I > owed him, he said, "Just a kiss." My immediate response was, "And if > I'd rather pay in cash?" "DEN ITZA HUNNERD DOLLAS ANNA KISS, BITCH!" One of the things straight guys just don't get to experience is people hitting on them in these crude ways which suggest the hitter believes he's entitled to whatever he wants. Women get that all over the place, and it happens in gay bars near closing time, but if there's a place where sleazy women are hitting on straight men in that manner (outside of "Laverne & Shirley" reruns), I want to know about it so I can go spy on them. I want to witness the dramatic internal battle between the "MUST HAVE SEX" half of the guy's brain and the "SHE'S A SKANK" half. Actually, I think in most guys it's more like 75/25. Anyway, it would be funny to watch guys trying to come up with snappy comebacks. They'd probably mostly be along the lines of "Guh? My name Steven. I'm beer!" My current favorite guy/girl interaction to watch, since I can't see the above, is when a guy tows his girlfriend into the porno store to pick out some guy porn for the two of them to watch so that he can more effectively please her, or whatever. The tolerantly bemusedly disgusted look on her face, and him displaying the false bravado of "Hey, look! I'm in your porno store yet again, but this time I'm going to have ACTUAL SEX with a LIVING WOMAN! But first, some porn!" My previous favorite was the shots of the camera panning across the studio audience of "The Bucky Lewis Show" on Channel 50 in New Hampshire. Hooting frat boys and their girlfriends, who were all rolling their eyes in disbelief at how awful an experience "The Bucky Lewis Show" was. (Oddly, during the last year he was on the air, the studio audience changed from frat boys on disastrous dates to mostly very fat people. My hypothesis is that they must have taped his show back-to-back with a griddle infomercial.) > My fellow counter worker, who had been fending off this goober's > roaming hands behind the counter in the past, called me her hero. Yes, you did good. But of course a REAL hero would have secretly followed the lusty baker to the competing bagel shop next door to make sure your doughnut already had a hole in it when he bought it. > This was the same manager who would disappear when it was time for > someone to take a lunch break but would still take the half hour out > of their paycheck even if they didn't get the break. I wish I had > known how to make a car bomb back then. Here's another idea: You could smear capsaicin all over your lips and then let the jerk kiss you, and then start talking about how burning sensations are the main symptom of a new form of herpes which is fatal unless castration occurs within twelve hours. On second thought, that's a stupid idea. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying. -- K. I suddenly have a craving for bagels and/or capsaicin. Wait a minute! I just realized that I started an extra-spicy bagel dog cooking in my oven before I read your article! I'm saved! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cancer is not funny, except in this article (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 17:24:55 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > Why are some fatalities funny and others not? I think the big question is: Why don't people just admit that _everything_ is funny _all_ the time? Like nougat. Nougat is funny! Ha ha, nougat! And William Shatner! Wow, funny! And "Baby Geniuses"! Okay, wait, not everything is funny. But the idea that some people _do_ think "Baby Geniuses" is funny is even funnier than if "Baby Geniuses" were actually funny! THE FACT THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS FUNNY IS FUNNY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FUNNY! > Why is "cancer" worse than "trampled by elephant"? I don't know, but remember the Terry Gilliam cartoon in that "Monty Python" episode about the prince who found a spot on his nose? Carol Cleveland's narration was "Foolishly he ignored it, and the next day he died of cancer," but the BBC said that "cancer" wasn't funny so they dubbed it to "gangrene", 'cause gangrene is really hilarious (especially gas gangrene), but when they dubbed it they put in a VERY LOUD man's voice over Carol Cleveland's voice so it came out "he died of !!!GANGRENE!!!" which was so inept that it went from funny ha-ha to funny strange but it was so incredibly funny strange that its strangeness was itself funny ha-ha. Funny is complicated. And complicatedness is funny. > I certainly concede that lots of people find it so; when I used to > tell them "I'm wishing cancer on you" in (obvious) jest, they > reacted as if I'd slapped them. That's cause you may not have noticed, but whenever you said that you were actually giving people Instant Face Cancer, which feels like a slap. Fortunately Instant Face Cancer wears off, otherwise you'd be in jail now for your projective cancer abilities. And by the way, if you got the ability to shoot Instant Cancer at people in the same manner that James Woods got his, please don't let David Cronenberg show us any scenes of you cramming your arm up your own vagina. > If I'd used the same intonation and timing to say "I'm wishing > you get run over by a truck" they'd just chuckle. You know, you make a good point -- the final season of the wacky sitcom "Murphy Brown" had the premise "Murphy gets breast cancer for a whole year", but if they had instead gone with "Murphy gets run over by a truck for a whole year" it might have been slightly funnier. Especially if it were a steamroller instead of a truck. > I've stopped using the phrase, since so many find it hurtful, but > when somebody first said it to me, I laughed. And that's the only reason you survived, because laughter is the best medicine! We need to find a way to make cancer really funny, so that everyone who gets cancer will laugh and laugh and get better immediately instead of having to wait for the season finale just like Murphy Brown did. > Eh. Maybe I just spent too many years depressed, but the thought of > death just doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of sliding down a > bannister made of razor blades, now THAT bothers me. Doesn't bother me. I'd even be willing to look at the pictures of you doing it. That would be very funny. -- K. Be more funny! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cancer is not funny, except in this article (was: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology) Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:01:55 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, you make a good point -- the final season of the wacky > > sitcom "Murphy Brown" had the premise "Murphy gets breast cancer for a > > whole year", but if they had instead gone with "Murphy gets run over > > by a truck for a whole year" it might have been slightly funnier. > > Especially if it were a steamroller instead of a truck. > > What if she had gone to a hospital where Patch Adams was pretending > to be a doctor? Well, first he'd have to go on trial and the judge would forgive him for killing that guy when he practiced medicine without a license, because the cancer kids liked his fart jokes. But that was the actual ending of that movie, and that movie gave me an intense desire to punch Robin Williams IS Patch Adams!!! in the face, and I realized that if I broken Robin Williams IS Patch Adams!!!'s skull he'd demand to go to an unlicensed doctor instead of a legitimate one, and I'd have to phone up Larry Drake, who played the hilariously retarded sadistic doctor on "St. Elsewhere" or something, I dunno, I never watched either "St. Elsewhere" or "Dr. Giggles" because I avoid anything with an abbreviation in the title except for "Dr. Strangelove" and "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr. T" and hey wouldn't it be funny if Dt. Strangelove and Dr. T teamed up to drop a giant atomic Air-Wick bomb on Moscow but they mistakenly blow up "Moscow On The Hudson" instead and so World War III is prevented because they killed Robin Williams? You're right, "Patch Adams" could not be made funny, even if you killed everyone associated with that movie. And boy did that movie make me want to kill lots of people. Lots of people saw that feel-good movie, and probably hundreds of random murders were committed as a result. "Patch Adams" probably had a higher death toll than most Leni Riefenstahl movies. However, if Leni had made one with Robin Williams, that would be the winner. "Robin Williams IS Hitler!!!" (Hitler's funny.) -- K. If you don't think Hitler is inherently funny, try this on a friend: Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana banana. Knock knock! Who's there? HITLER!!! I guarantee you they'll be happy when you Godwin out of the banana sketch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cancer is not funny, except in this article Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 16:33:55 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > This is a ploy typical of women, it's to confuse and distract you > > noticing she's bought new furniture or something. > > How can anyone sneak new furniture into a home? If you're that > unobservant then you deserve to have your S.O. filling the house with > unnecessary, expensive, decorative whatnots. And if you're married to a woman who doesn't re-enact episodes of "I Love Lucy" every thirty minutes, you're not worth of singing "Babalu". Any proper hot Latin lover will find a woman who will hide new furniture in the kitchen, stuff chocolates in her hat, dance the tango with eggs in her pockets, fall into a vat of laundry starch, impersonate Superman, get trapped in her walk-in meat locker, and get put over your knee and spanked in that one episode where you spank her instead of just beating her senseless. Chris, heed my words, you may not have what it takes to be a Latin lover. (Have you started beating your wife yet?) -- K. I have what it takes to be a Latin lover -- all the red-cover Loeb Classics. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Am Going To Yurp. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:17:59 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Europe sucks -- trust me, I've been to a few small patches of it. Hey, it's good that Europe sucks. Because if it didn't, the United States would still just be buffalo and deer and bears and Indians dancing around happily in all the empty space. And I'm way too pale to be an Indian, so I'd probably wind up living in Finland, where I'd be constantly nauseated by the smell of lutefisk wafting across the Norwegian border. So it's good that Europe sucks because that means I can live in the United States and not Europe. > Everywhere sucks. Also, you start life as a microscopic nothing, and > then the decay sets in. I think the original SimCity was the only good one in the series. This new SimEurope combined with SimPlankton is even more boring than plain SimPlankton was. > But I'd hate to be thought of as a spoilsport -- it makes people pay > less attention, so the spoiling doesn't work as well. Of course it's > not very effective to begin with. Schadenfreude, like necromancy, is > inefficient. But Europe also invented schadenfreude. And if Europe didn't exist, every time someone stubbed their toe, America would come to a halt because we'd all be going "AWWWW! YOUR POOR TOE!" so I'm glad we have actual schadenfreude so that when someone stubs their toe, we all go "HAW HAW! YOUR TOE HURTS NOW!" and go back to working, but extra- efficiently because we're all happy that someone's toe broke. -- K. Also, "Europe" is a dopey name for a continent. However, "America" is such a cool name that they named _two_ continents after our country. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO'S REVENGE Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 23:08:35 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I have the hiccups. Almost always, when I get the hiccups, later the same day I get them a second time. Last week, when I had the hiccups, I didn't have the recurrence, and now I know where they went. Flawless victory through the medium of telekinetically projected time-displaced hiccups! > Rum and cokes = 1 3/4 > > How pitiful is that? Your equation has confused me. Shouldn't it add up to at least 2, given that "cokes" is plural? -- K. Here's a good cure for hiccups: Kidnap all the White Castle executives and demand they open a restaurant in Boston. Then send Kibo a $10 White Castle gift certificate. Your hiccups will then stop within 48 hours! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Current hair color report Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 23:22:19 -0500 A really bright metallic brass color -- shiny and yellowish with a tinge of gold, not really gold, but not yellow either -- for the next 24 hours, because I just bleached before I put the fluorescent orange back in. This is because the previous color -- the dark maroon/burgundy -- had faded to an unappetizing reddish-gray not unlike overcooked Canadian bacon. Anyway, tomorrow I'll be back to the traditional nuclear orange. -- K. So who won the betting pool? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another great Kibo dream. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 02:14:53 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had another set of dreams that featured Kibo and many other things. > Below are some notes I made while still 75% asleep but trying to make > sure I would remember stuff from the dream later when I actually woke > up. I couldn't actually see while I was typing this stuff, so I'm > happy it's as readable as it is. Any ideas about what this stuff > indicates about my brane? > > -> kibo make rollercoaswter from mop edger vacuum paint chemical "Yee-haw!" screamed Kibo as he crashed his custom-built mop-powered rollercoaster into Doc Edgerton. Old Doc exploded, very slowly, but all the fragments of him got sucked into a vacuum cleaner. A hazmat crew came to collect the vacuum, but instead of disposing of it they sold it to a paint and chemical company, which used the slowly vaporized Edgerton spatter as the secret ingredient in a new White Castle product Kibo didn't like. > -> football game stands move forward hit broadcast guy "What's this?" said Quarterback Kibo as he noticed something during a huddle. It was a tiny red thread sticking out of the Astroturf. He pulled a pair of tweezers out of his sock and grabbed the thread and yanked. The Astroturf bunched up and the stands on both sides of the field shot forward! The bleachers rammed each other, crushing America's Broadcast Guy, Skip Buxbaum, who was killed in such an unspeakably gruesome manner that he instantly went from being America's Broadcast Guy to a non-famous nobody! Then Kibo won the Super Bowl. > -> everybody named Al Then Kibo decreed, "EVERYBODY IS NOW NAMED AL!" and everyone in the world turned into either Al Molinaro, Al Lewis, Al Franken, or Al Berteinstein. Except for Kibo, who turned into Al Kibo, and was then whisked off to Guantanamo because he sounded too much like Al Qaeda, despite Kibo's insistence that they moved out of his apartment building three years ago. > -> writing on toy car with pen "Waah!" cried Spot, "I can't write on my toy car because it's made entirely from soft butter!" Then Kibo gave Spot an astronaut pen, the type which can even write on butter upside-down underwater on the Moon, but Spot still couldn't write on his toy car because he'd already eaten it. "Waah!" cried Spot again, always predictably repetitive. "Waah, I'm repetitive! Waah!" Then Kibo ran him over with his new rollercoaster, which was a hundred feet wide because it was made from football bleachers. > -> suoth america emmenteller?? nuke plant giant waves fast clewell > -> drivin NYC I'm going to stop trying to explain your nightmare because I don't know what a clewell is, I don't eat Emmentaller or its Latin-speaking illusionist cousin Emmenteller, and I don't drive, though I do admit I like New York City. > -> flying kibo staunton el-train > -> > -> kibo popcorn and no beer no cheese but gatorade and taking carrot sticks > -> and celery I think you meant "talking carrot sticks and celery", a reference to that rarely-seen "Doctor Who"/"Lost In Space" crossover episode where a talking carrot named Kibo ran off with Peter Davison's celery. > -> were boat girls real, also surfer, boats Also: volvox, nutria, nougatine, TiVo, Niels Bohr, clam laser, Trygve Lund, filiform contact lenses, Lardo, Schwinn, veal Picasso, Ensign Greenbean. Pit-Pat. Underpanties. Glit, glurt, bleeble, durp. Manly Bannister. Square volvox. Sweet dreams! -- K. You know those doofuses who walk around in the jeans with the weird white stains on the butt? Those are from sitting on bleachers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: thinking and doing. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:56:27 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Since this is a religion newsgroup I will ask this question here. If > thinking about doing something is as bad as doing it according to the > bible, then if you think about doing something you may as well do it > because you are in just as much trouble, right? I notice that you're thinking about thinking about doing bad things. That's even worse than actually thinking about doing them. So you're not going to go to regular Hell. No siree Bob. You're going to Special Hell, also known as Channel 54 on your dial. It's the same as regular Hell, except with a whole lot of commercials between reruns of "Walker, Texas Ranger". Television is your god now. -- K. Long live the new flesh. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women With Power Tools Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 08:16:12 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Last night I saw an advertisement for an event along these lines > that hopes to compete with the Superbowl. [...] > It's a pay per view event called "Lingerie Bowl". > Models wearing lingerie,playing football.I asked my husband how > many men he thought would tune into that instead of the game. Let's see... Super Bowl potential audience: heterosexual men who like football. Lingerie Bowl potential audience: heterosexual men who like heterosexuality. The Super Bowl's potential audience pool will be a subset of the Lingerie Bowl's potential audience, even if we factor in the several crazy conspiracy theorists who will tune in to the Super Bowl just to see if Dennis Miller will show up. > He thought there was no reason one couldn't do both and during the > boring parts of the Superbowl,use the remote to jump over > to see the pay per view event.Then,he began to speak longingly > about televisions with split screens. > > I see now that it's only a halftime event that would > fit quite nicely into the downtime during the game,but I'm not going to > tell him that. Ask him why last year's Lingerie Bowl models were wearing football pads with hockey helmets. Then suggest to him that, this year, maybe if he flips through all the channels he can find the secret other program where there are women in football helmets and hockey skates having hockey fights and being really, really cold. After halftime, after all that frustration you caused when he couldn't find the imaginary lingerie hockey fight, when he's engrossed in the Super Bowl, jump into his lap while wearing nothing but a hockey jersey. There, I just saved your marriage. I recommend the jersey of the Severstal of Cherepovets (in the Russian Hockey League) because it's got flames on it to show him how hot you are. Though you could also go with the Ak Bars of Kazan because their jersey has some sort of kitty if you want to play sex kitten. -- K. Question: Is the Lingerie Bowl the only program on TV whiter than "Seinfeld"? Not one of the chicks is ethnic in any way, shape, or form. Buncha blonde bimbos. They need at least one of those Japanese girls who can kill people with her bubble gum wad. Also, I bet Grace Jones could kick all their asses if she's still alive, and in fact she probably could even if she isn't. Oh, wait, I see, everyone on the team with the white helmets is blonde, and the evil black-helmet team has everyone who's not an Aryan. It's a shame they added this racism in order to crassly ruin the noble athletic tradition of the Lingerie Bowl. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women With Power Tools Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 17:00:20 -0500 Because I know what's important to you people, I did some additional research into the Lingerie Bowl two days ago. However, I couldn't post it until today because of Internet troubles, so I hope it doesn't ruin anything that my commentary on this three-week-old article is 48 hours old. [money.cnn.com] -> -> Lingerie Bowl is back -> -> Alternative Super Bowl halftime show set to return; backlash -> fear keeps sponsor under wraps for now. -> -> January 4, 2005: 7:49 AM EST -> -> NEW YORK (CNN/Money) -- The Lingerie Bowl is back for this -> year's Super Bowl halftime, but promoters are keeping the -> wraps on the show's sponsors, and scrapping the idea for a -> football game as was played last year. -> -> Last year's premiere of the Lingerie Bowl, featuring models -> wearing a combination of lingerie and football equipment -> playing tackle football, caused a stir in the weeks leading -> up to the event. Automaker Dodge first agreed to sponsor the -> game, then pulled out due to objections from dealers and -> other members of the public. An off-shore gambling Web site, -> PartyPoker.com, stepped in as a sponsor in mid-January. But shh, they're secret! Nobody's supposed to know whose annoying commercials you'll be seeing when you pay to watch this show! That's right, losers are so desperate to watch women run around in their underpanties that they'll pay to watch commercials. Commercialism is ruining fake Super Bowl halftime shows! -> Chris Martin of Horizon Productions, the group holding the -> Lingerie bowl, said in a voice mail message that there will -> be paid sponsors on the two-hour show, but he said they would -> not be revealed until a week before the Super Bowl, partly to -> minimize any "backlash" that might come. He said Horizon also -> did not want to share attention as it announced its first -> detailed plans for this show. Now, if the chicks were backlashing each other, that could be quite the kinky pay-per-view event. Except I doubt any of these superbimbomodels could learn to operate a whip. They'd probably do something easier, like spanking each other with fur-covered Ping-Pong paddles, or possibly just use an off-the-shelf spanking machine like the ones sold at Wal-Mart. -> Sandra Petko, also of Horizon, said that instead of have the -> models play a football game again this year, they will -> participate in "football-related challenges." Models from -> four different teams will also model lingerie during the -> show, without the need for any of the protective gear they -> wore during last year's game. But it'll ruin the athletic purity of the Lingerie Bowl as a legitimate sport if the undermodels don't at least pretend to sort of play five minutes of football while wearing hockey helmets! -> The first Lingerie Bowl, shown on a pay-per-view basis, was -> quickly overshadowed by the official Super Bowl halftime -> show, which included Janet Jackson's now infamous "wardrobe -> malfunction" that briefly revealed her breast on broadcast -> television. She had an excuse -- she had to prove she wasn't just her weird brother with a different clip-on nose. -> Perhaps due to concerns about being overshadowed last year, -> Horizon's press release also promises the show will include -> "a shocking moment that will be the absolute talk at the -> water-cooler on Monday morning." Yeah, sure, fake catfight, ho hum. If I wanted to see a scripted catfight, I could watch that "Mission: Impossible" episode where Barbara Bain gets beat up by Mary Ann Mobley. (If you look really closely, you can see our late friend Gharlane hiding under the trampoline.) -- K. Here's what I want to see: A hockey fight between William Shatner as Gordie Howe and Edward Norton as me. (Edward Norton the actor, not Ed Norton the wacky neighbor -- let's be serious.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:17:52 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I saw a documentary called "A River Somewhere" where the two blokes ended > up going to McDonalds in Rome and also having to get a trout from a fish > farm as they couldn't catch one in the river. And they sure couldn't buy one at McDonalds. You think those square things with the yellow pastry shell are actually any sort of fish? They're actually compressed garden slugs, 49 per brick. That's why they have to put that bumpy breading on, to keep the slugfish cake from sliding off the bun frictionlessly. > It was a funny show and not what you would expect something about > fly fishing to be. Why, were you expecting something about crotch zippers? > My favourite episode was Belize where one of them put a big handfull > of Haberno chillies in something he was cooking and he didn't have > anything to get the hottness away. Habaneros, for those unfamiliar with delicious food, are many, many times hotter than most other chili peppers. And they have such a neat richly tart flavor, not that metallic, acidic tang that some of the others have. Wouldn't McChili suck if it existed? It would be light brown and made from 50% pureed refried beans and 50% Cool Whip. -- K. Is there anyone here who actually enjoys the taste of McDonalds food? (It doesn't count if you're under 8 years old. Kids will eat anything a clown pulls out of his pockets.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 21:32:29 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone here who > > actually > > enjoys the taste > > of McDonalds > > food? > > > > > > I used to like their fries. Okay, I'm telling the government. Expect your doorbell to ring. It'll be a clown. Go quietly, because he's got a deep-fryer. > But I only answered, really, 'cause I thought the pattern your > words made in the response was cool. My words always make cool patterns. There's no need to mangle them, any sentence which contains my awesome wisdom is automatically shaped like coolness because coolness is constantly re-defined as whatever I do, even when I don't do anything. Me not doing anything, that's cool. Other people not doing anything, they're just wannabes. So slapping my words around won't make them any cooler than they already are. What text editor are you using to compose your replies, FuckUp Pro? -- K. Maybe you should set it to use a more appropriate font, like Zapf Eight-Sided Snowflakes With Squshed Bugs And Mini-Marshmallows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 22:21:10 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone here who actually enjoys the taste of McDonalds food? > > I kind of like their shake-like confectionary treats, especially the > vanilla ice cream with mini M&Ms in it. That is not "ice cream" and stop even pretending it is! It's some sort of wholly inorganic bleach-colored paste-like mucilax! > And they had a "Chicken Salad Oriental" back in the '80s which I loved. You should come visit me so we can go to the McDonalds in Chinatown that has the special Chinatown-only flavors of McShakes. They're slightly different from their other lightly diluted wholly inorganic bleach-colored paste-like mucilaxatives. Their restroom tokens used to be interchangeable with the local video arcades' tokens, but all the arcades are gone now, even the one run by the Chinese mobsters. I demand Boston get a new arcade, preferably one run by Yakuza because I need a job. > Everything else is truly a mystery. The fries suck. Their Big Mac was > done much better by Burger King, who had a "Big King" for a while. Fnarr. White Castle can kick Burger King's or McDonalds's ass. Gimme a pile of six cheeseless White Castles any day. They're not just better than a Big Mac or a Whopper, they're better than actual food. I demand that Boston get a White Castle, preferably putting it in one of the convenient old ex-White-Castle buildings like that puce one in Chinatown behind the Chinatown-style McDonalds and the Dunkin' Donuts with the bizarrely long tail on one of the two characters in the Chinese version of the Dunkin' Donuts logo. > And I can't bring myself to eat a McNugget anymore. That's saying > something, consider I eat anything that's not tied down. Unlike most people, who'll eat anything if they're tied down. > Special Note: Anything I can forceably pry up is not "tied down". What's the difference between "tied up" and "tied down"? And "burn up" and "burn down"? And "throw up" and "McShake"? -- K. I think I'd be a good Yakuza, and the only downside would be that I could never be a a hand model. But who needs a modelling career when you get to kill people with a samurai sword all day? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: They didn't want to watch the whole thing, they had to Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 01:04:51 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > White Castle can kick Burger King's or McDonalds's ass. Gimme a pile > > of six cheeseless White Castles any day. > > I was in the local Krogers' yesterday (well, not the LOCAL one, because that > one has decided that its night shift manager can decide that between 11pm and > 7am people Must Use Automatic Scanning Machine No Matter What) and saw in > passing both White Castle cheesburgers and White Castle hamburgers. I did not > examine the latter closely enough to determine whether they were entirely > cheezless, but I did momentarily have a.r.k wrapped around me while shopping. > Mmmmm, fluffly. Yeah, those are the good ones. The ones with the blue stripe (not the cheez-colored stripe) on the box, assuming you're looking at the six-packs and not the ten-packs or sixteen-packs which are more rarely seen. I like the self-scan lanes because I can check myself out fast, and they don't look at me funny if I decide I really do want to pay for my groceries with a hundred quarters. As someone who once worked in a supermarket, allow me to tell you the secret to scanning things as fast as the system can go: Pick up one item in each hand. Twirl one over the scanner -- holding it upright, and this is the important part, without looking at it to see where the barcode is -- and place it in the bag. The moment the first item hits the bottom of the bag (they have weight sensors) use your other hand to twirl the second item over the sensor, then bag it too. Grab two more items and repeat. What slows most people down is they flip each item over, look for where the barcode is, turn it right-side-up, and then try to position the barcode over the little window. If the machine is working correctly, it's far faster (especially with cans and bottles) to just hold the top of the item and twirl it above the sensor, the things have a pretty wide scan area. The only times you might get screwed up are with flat items (such as TV dinners) because your thumb might be covering the barcode (no, there's no consistency of the location between brands) or bottles that have been sweating (you have to wipe the dew off or they won't scan.) Come shopping with me sometime and I'll train you to be a good little grocery robot. I'll even show you how to open those plastic bags that refuse to cooperate, how to figure out who really manufactures the supermarket's "house brand" chili, and how to determine the profit margin on any item from the drugstore next door. As a bonus, I'll show you proper use of the plastic divider bar (hint: it goes the straightest if you hold it as close to the end as possible before you throw it at the lobster tank.) -- K. And remember, NEVER BUY WATERMELONS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Vote for me for Pope. Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 20:50:56 -0500 I'd just like to remind everyone to vote for meeeeeee for Pope should the chance suddenly arise. Of course, I already am _a_ Pope, just not of the Roman Catholic Church. So remember to vote early and vote often. Also, I hear that new movie "Winn-Dixie Goes To White Castle" may contain a product placement. -- K. They say that if you see the movie and then don't go to White Castle, you can be arrested and sent to a really tiny jail with weird holes in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Vote for me for Pope. Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 03:00:22 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd just like to remind everyone to vote for meeeeeee for Pope should > > the chance suddenly arise. > > I know you've gone all badass and everything, but killing the pope > would just be too much. I'm not trying to kill him! I'm just trying to personally profit from the Pope's death. And it would be wrong of me to try to become Pope before the previous one dies, so shame on you for encouraging me to commit Pope Bigamy or whatever it would be called if I became Pope while there was still that other guy. In short, I'm not the one making God kill the Pope, I'm simply calling dibs on his comfy chair. Hey, somebody has to. You don't want the Roman Catholic Church to go leaderless, do you? Then obviously I should be the Pope. And soon! -- K. Where can I buy a leather Pope hat? Sears? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: They've found yet another way to make gambling stupid. Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 02:49:07 -0500 Remember a few years ago, when I mentioned that the introduction of a licensed "Three Stooges" brand slot machine meant that the dumbest possible way to gamble had been invented? Well, Williams Gaming (a descendant of that company Eugene Jarvis used to work for) has introduced a "Match Game" slot machine. Worse, a video slot machine (one that just has animated drawings of reels pretending to spin.) It's got all the classic appeal of computerized, rigged faux-random gambling combined with a sophisticated atmosphere that'll make gamblers say, "Wow, it's worth throwing all my money away so that I can pretend I'm actually watching Brett Somers on TV thirty years ago! I'm going to put twenty dollars into this to find out if I'm as smart as Brett!" I'm staring at a screen shot in the press kit right now. It's horrifying. It's "Match Game" in cartoon form. Cartoon Gene Rayburn is the host, and the six celebrities are Cartoon Jimmie "JJ" Walker (if that's not redundant), Cartoon Brett Somers, Cartoon Charles Nelson Reilly, Cartoon Morgan Fairchild, Cartoon Rip Taylor, and Cartoon Vicki Lawrence. (They included Rip Taylor because they couldn't license the likeness of everyone's favorite drunken bottom-center panelist, possibly because he was busy being Willem Dafoe's alibi.) Cartoon Gene Rayburn is even more frightening than Regular Caveman Gene Rayburn! The most amazing thing is that he and the other six "celebrities" are all drawn to look horribly uncomfortable except for Brett, who is delighted she's growing her mustache in at last. Gene looks like someone's holding a gun to his kitten's head or something, he's in far deeper psychic agony than he ever actually was when he tried to reason with Brett. The game's artist must not have enjoyed working on this idiotic game. (He or she did take care to draw Charles's toupee in all its cartoonish glory.) You can see the horror for yourself by flipping through the screen shots on the corporate Web site: http://www.wmsgaming.com/products/brands/matchgame/index.php Or, should all else fail, I've mirrored some of the pictures here: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_01_match_game_slots.jpg ...shows the disorienting array of whirling has-been celebrities that hypnotize gamblers. And now you've looked at it so your brain cells are gone too. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_01_match_game_brett.jpg ...shows Brett and her mustache. http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_01_match_game_gene.jpg ...shows Gene trying to use his "Scanners" powers to make his own head explode so he can go back to being dead. Also, they didn't make his microphone long enough. How emasculating for Dead Brown-Suited Cartoon Gene Rayburn In Horrible Pain. Gotta go, a new commercial just came on my TV. It's a Dr Pepper ad using Jim Henson's voice singing music from an Italian porno film about Sweden. Please make the Seventies end! -- K. Tell you what, I'll get together with five other guys and we'll film "Can't Stop The Music" to officially stop the Seventies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 23:25:44 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Our company is doing a huge Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation > fundraiser, which they do annually, because one employee's child has JD. > Seriously, I don't know why people suddenly become interested in a disease > only when a relative has it, while they could not care less about other > diseases. It's selfish. I was going to write a wackily satirical comedy sketch to be performed by Brain Cancer Al Franken and Dead Michael O'Donoghue, but once the sentence "My penis is way too long, and it's okay for you to be interested in that even if you're not my cousin!" fell onto my keyboard I slammed my hand down on the ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! button to terminate the sketch before anything tasteless happened. And so good taste was saved by my abortion. > I, on the other hand, give to charities which look for cures for > diseases I am bound to get, hoping they will have a cure before I catch > Silent Heart Explodiations Disease or whatever. Much less selfish. Michael O'Donoghue was about to say "I like to give to charities too -- I give DISEASES to charities!" but again I booted him out of here just in the nick of time. > Anyhow, part of the JDRF fundraiser includes selling little > beanie bears and fuzzy bunnies. They are cute, but they have been > named "Diabetic Bear" and "Daisy the Diabetes Bunny". Now that's just sick. After all, everyone knows bunnies don't get diabetes, because that's not alliterative. Should be Daisy the Diabetes Duck. > I'm sure it's all about empowerment, but I wouldn't want someone > to hold a fundraiser for me, selling "Otto the Morbidly Obese Octopus" > or "Pammy the PMSing Penguin". Not even if one of the lovely stuffed animals might someday discover the cure? You can't prove a stuffed octoblob won't someday resequence the human genome in its secret underwater disease lab so you're a bad person if you don't support stuffed animals in their fight to save the human race so it can buy more of these stuffed animals. By the way, I looked it up, and the bear is officially named "Marissa The Juvenile Diabetes Bear". "Diabetes Bear" must just be the discreet alias she uses when she orders porn from NetFlix. The rabbit is "Daisy, the Bunny for Diabetes Research and Awareness". The company makes bears to cure everything from autism to Christmas and even the YMCA (a cure must be found for YMCA before they sucker any more young men into the disco lifestyle!) and says "a portion of the profits" from the sale of each bear will go to charity. And you know how big an unspecified portion can be! It's a good thing these for-profit bears are working for the betterment of humanity, otherwise they'd be mauling us and stealing our pic-a-nic baskets and we'd have to shoot and stuff them. New theory: Between the straitjacket bear from last month and Highly Profitable Diabetes Bear, I believe we've just proved that people will throw money at anything in bear form. -- K. Now, bring on the dancing bears that will wipe out Xmas! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 19:29:47 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The rabbit is "Daisy, the Bunny for Diabetes Research and Awareness". > > Daisy's more a bunny for "drywall demolition and carpet removal". Do they yet sell a much less messy version named "Daisy Doesn't Doot"? A rabbit that couldn't poop _or_ eat would be the perfect pet. Except it would be a zombie or something. Maybe there's a way you could train a regular non-undead rabbit to only eat once a year (in January) and poop once a year (in December)? Then the other ten months of the year you'd have a nice pet that wouldn't cause any problems of any sort. > > The company makes bears to cure everything from autism to Christmas [...] > > Shakey the Parkinson's Bear, that's pretty neat. Hey, that's not funny, making up jokes about imaginary Parkinson's bears, and -- oh, wait, charitybear.com really _is_ selling "Shakey the Parkinson's Bear". Now that's funny. Oh, I looked again, he's actually named "Parker the Parkinson's Research and Awareness Bear". Now I don't know how to feel. Quick, someone buy a million "Donnie the Don't Know How To Feel Bear"s so we'll all learn how to feel. -- K. And how come there's no Diarrhea Bear? And there's also no stuffed animal named after him? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:13:21 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I don't know why people suddenly become interested in a disease > > only when a relative has it, while they could not care less about other > > diseases. It's selfish. > > Because there are so many diseases out there, that if we stopped and > took time to care about every single one of them, even on an annual > basis, our heads would implode. There are enough kinds of cancer > to fill up at least a few months of that. Are you crazy? There are only three kinds of cancer: cancer in the top half of the body, cancer in the bottom half of the body, and cancer of the dividing line. And one of those isn't worth caring about, so there are really only two. Or one, if you only care about the half that eats. > When was the last time you raised funds for Hermansky-Pudlak Syndrome? > Yes, it's a real disease; I've met people who have it. I'd be > surprised if you knew about it. And, even if you knew about it, I > wouldn't blame you for putting some other disease ahead of it on > your priorities list, especially if a relative of yours had that > disease. Did Hermansky marry Pudlak just because they had the same disease in order to get a quantity discount on whatever weird type of between-the-toes disposable syringe Hermansky-Pudlakians have to use in order to keep from exploding? > It's not up to each individual to take on every problem in the planet. > We pick the ones most significant to our lives. With luck, there's > enough people surrounding each problem that they all get addressed. My problem is that I'm surrounded by idiots! -- K. I'm completely surrounded! They've outwitted me again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 23:47:48 -0500 Gillian Houck (erikagillian@gmail.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure it's all about empowerment, but I wouldn't want someone to > > hold a fundraiser for me, selling "Otto the Morbidly Obese Octopus" > > or "Pammy the PMSing Penguin". > > I'll have one of each. Got any "Morty the Migraine Monkey"? He's not a monkey! He's a snake! The fluorescent magenta stripes represent agony and the fluorescent green stripes represent nausea. And the best thing about buying the migraine snake is that he keeps getting bigger after you first see him. Just buy him and wait twenty minutes and he'll be all the way around the left side of your field of vision. I haven't seen my snake in months. Next time he shows up I'll ask him what his name is before I tell him to go away again. -- K. I'll also ask why he looks so festive. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2005 23:37:04 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Just had another surgery. This WILL be the last. Anyway, I could be > pain free and high or have a bellyache and be sensible. Right now I > am (b). I think. Why not be both? Be high but sensible! That's the way I am all day, every day! WHEEEEEE! Anyway, I hope you get better soon so you can feel as happy as I'm pretending to be. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! > Now I have to write an apology to the nurses whom I accused of stealing > my medications. They probably were. It couldn't have been anyone else, because the doctors could just write themselves prescriptions for anything they wanted. Only a lowly nurse would need to steal medication. You could try switching the pills in the bottles so that when they think they're stealing your delicious 'ludes or your expensive Cipro they're really getting a vial of NuclearLax, The Not-So-Gentle Explosive Laxative. (Cipro pills are something like $450 a bottle _wholesale_ according to the medical-supplies catalog that's been sitting in my magazine rack since I got it out to look up the price of surgical masks for that British pervert last month. Also I like looking at the pictures of bonesaws.) > At least I was asleep by 10 pm instead of keeping everyone up all night. But Marie, it's after 11:30 right now and your article is keeping me awake. Do you have to speak in such a big font? > [...] > > The urologist made me pee blue again. Urologists are the happiest > doctors. Are you saying that Dr. Frankenstein was a urologist, or that you don't think he was so happy when he was bellowing "IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!"? Because, frankly, I think he was happier than any other doctor I've ever seen, and remember, I'm the guy who owns the DVD of "The 5,000 Fingers Of Dr.T". -- K. Cinnamon Tic-Tacs can make you pee red, so eat a box of them before your next appointment to see the look on your Uri's face. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:16:21 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. > > > > Miss the buzz. > > Dear Miss Marie Thebuzz, > > I've heard tell that some 'doctors' can write 'prescriptions' for > 'pain pills', with no questions asked. You can get all the buzz > you want, and the only downside is social ostracism, penury, and > possibly death! Dear Brain Eatable, I can think of about forty-seven better ways to get the "buzz" than from stupid little pills. Most are cheaper, too, unless you have to hire a lawyer afterwards. Some are even free, especially if your rent includes free electricity. In my view, you shouldn't have to spend money in order to pass out halfway through "Yellow Submarine". (You should only have to pay for a movie if you're conscious through 100% of it, otherwise it counts as seeing a trailer and those are free.) DVD players should have a way to make the movie play backwards (at normal speed, with audio) so that you dopers could enjoy the other half of "Yellow Submarine". Also, they should release the other half of "Tank Girl" because I sure didn't enjoy the part of the movie they released. -- K. Sadly, I need almost no raspberry Pez now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:58:37 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. I am also sadly uninjured. > Miss the buzz. Let's start a fight club. What's a good night for you? -- K. I promised to cook dinner for a friend and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables so I asked what vegetables he'd like me to use and he said "lots of watercress" so I took him all the way across town to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found fresh watercress and he said "That's not watercress, watercress is little round white things" so I bought him a can of water chestnuts without teasing him about it mercilessly, because I am a good person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:20:48 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I promised to cook dinner for a friend > > and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables > > so I asked what vegetables he'd like me > > to use and he said "lots of watercress" > > so I took him all the way across town > > to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found > > fresh watercress and he said "That's > > not watercress, watercress is little > > round white things" so I bought him a > > can of water chestnuts without teasing > > him about it mercilessly, because I am > > a good person. > > You are so NOT a good person. As if. Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts in my mere presence. > I'm not sure how to feel about this anecdote. On one hand, I was a > little icked out by the idea of spicy stir-fried watercress, so I'm happy > to find out the guy wanted water chestnuts. Much tastier. Still, water > chestnuts come in cans which are clearly labelled as such, so how can you > mistakenly call them cress instead of chestnuts? Watercress would probably come out well if stir-fried in spicy sauce. I've had other bitter green leafy things prepared that way (Chinese broccoli leaves and so forth) not to mention every sort of canned "greens" sold in the soul-food aisle of my neighborhood supermarket. Anyway, he said the yu shiang vegetables and curried rice pilaf were excellent. Because we bought so many vegetables, I used the extra ones to make beef stew the next day, and he loved it although he had previously expressed concern that it might not come out as yummy as his favorite, Dinty Moore canned beef stew. It's fun to cook for people who have never tasted actual food. > I'm torn. If you're going to be Rip Torn, I want to be Jon Stewart. Together we can gang up on Garry Shandling and his sidekick, Dr. Phil. And then we can go into hiding when the show gets remade with World's Boredest John Cleese. -- K. Now admit I'm a good person or I'll jab you with a syringe full of Dinty Moore beef slime. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:30:11 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts > > in my mere presence. > > I believe this theory is cursed. It would imply that I am a good person, > which is WAY WRONG, and also that I am a worse person when I'm in a walk-in > freezer, which is ALSO WAY WRONG because I am always on my best behavior in > walk-in freezers, since I don't want the Marines to shut the door and force > me to argue my way out, which I am not good at since I did not study > aikido. Is there an Internet acronym for "Please Stop Turning Me On"? 'Cause I'm not dressed just yet and I suddenly have an urge to put on my Marine Corps Freezer Police uniform. Also I know Venusian Aikido. Fun fact: I couldn't remember whether Jon Pertwee advocated Venusian or Martian Aikido, so when I searched for both in Google, I found far more hits on "Martian Aikido" because a lot of bozos write pages saying "Aikido is my favorite martian art." They don't know that Aikido is from Venus, bee-guns are from Mars. Currently my favorite flavor of ice cream is Haagen-Dazs Tres Leches (I'm not going to bother with all the faux diacritic marks or even the real one in the Spanish half of that name) which is coconut with chunks of white cake. It's not as good as the Golden Banana from Chatta Box, but it's still a nice coconut ice cream. I also like their fake Creme Brulee flavored "custard-style" runny ice cream and their Cherry Vanilla. And Friendly's (Sealtest's) Black Raspberry, which is lavender instead of the correct black. I gave up on Ben & Jerry's because all their flavors contain at least three different types of rock-hard lumps with razor-sharp jagged edges. It's wrong for them to try to make my tongue bleed just so they can pretend their ice cream comes with raspberry sauce. -- K. I should go over to Chinatown and get some green tea ice cream. Mmm, green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: curses are needed Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 19:55:59 -0500 In sci.physics, kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com wrote: > > God uses curses to create justice. God creates a curse or God lets the > devil create a curse when bad people abuse a person. > > It could be true God has given me the power to create curses. > > I have tried to create curses against almost any person who has written > articles for these physics groups and their families for 3 or 4 > generations. Hey Kurt! I'm glad to see you're back. So sorry about your curses not working. At least, they don't seem to be having an effect on me. No leprosy, no running sores, not even a single wart. I'll let you know if your magic powers ever start working, okay? -- K. P.S. Do you think they should add any more colors to Froot Loops? Or would that just confuse children? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Runaway Global Warming Possible! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 20:07:10 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > account 2 . > more donations . > 85 million but 3 million donated in here with 85 million left to > donate. > You make a mess ,,, > Im the mess master .. > I know how to make a stinky . Lowercase TJ, I'm glad you finally got around to explaining your special new theory. And I'm not even going to try to disprove it, I'll just accept it on faith. You're the first scientist to know how to make a stinky. You deserve the Stinky Nobel Prize! > I kick 100,000 in an account and donate it to the red cross ,,when I > get to who to thank I drop your sig in there . > The bank has no address ,,just a sig and sends the statemnt to the irs. > Oh its just so nice I dnated all that money ,,well you donated all > that money . > Just tell IRS some billionaire just handed you 1/4 mil to donate. > The taxes would only be 50 grand. > Or it could al b a mistake . > The irs will understand. But don't try anything shady because they'll smell you coming. > Hi ,,,Im the Giant. > billion bucks a year and donate 100 million. > I made 150 million in here live last year in trade leads ..just for > fun and gave it all away. > 1000 brand new houses. It's amazing that one person can stink up a thousand houses. > I did donate and thanked you . > after all ,,the fucking jokes on you. > IRS will send you a bill and audit you. > No harm done ,, > Im just a nice dude. But that's just your secret-identity, as the mild-smelling nice dude. Then by night you fight crime as Lowercase TJ, The Man Who Knows Know To Make A Stinky! Please don't come to my next birthday party. -- K. But I'm not jealous of your Stinky Nobel Prize at all, Stinky. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Runaway Global Warming Possible! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 21:58:21 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > when I donate a million in someones sig ,,irs knocks on thier door with > audit papers. > Ill lauph for 2 year because thats how long it will take to beet it. > the city state and feds are going to want to know you very well. > 100,000 at a time iis a joke ,,but a mil transaction donation , no > address just a sig .. > the irs will come to your door and Ill be lauphing my ass off. > I could go much more. > I could put you on the news . > 10 mil they come put your ass on tv and say thanks. I don't believe you're actually rich. You know why? Because if you had any money, you would have already lost it to one of those Nigerian scammers who promise to iron all the wrinkles out of your dollar bills to make them worth more if they ever mail them back. You may also be interested in this amazingly trustworthy offer I just received in the mail: -> GREETINGS SIR. -> -> I AM RYAN DONALD THE OWNER OF RYAN INTL,ONE OF MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT -> YOU HABVE ALL THE ITEM I EVER WANTED IN YOUR STORE AND HE GAVE ME YOUR -> EMAIL AND I WAS VERY IMPRESSED ON WHAT HE TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR GOODS.SO -> I WILL LIKE TO PLACE AN INTL ORDER FROM YOUR STORE TO MY CLIENT IN -> NIGERIA AND ALSO ALL THE PAYMENTS INCLUDING THE SHIPPING AND HANDLING -> COST WOULD BE PAYED VIA MY VALID CREDIT CARD ACCOUNT DRAWN FROM A USA BANK -> AND ALSO I WOULD LIKE A EMS FOR MY SHIPMENT. -> KINDLY LET ME KNOW IF YOU ACCEPT MY REQUIST AND ALSO YOUR WEBSITE ADDRESS. Nigerian Requist, meet Lowercase TJ Frazir. Lowercase TJ Frazir, meet Nigerian Requist. The two of you were made for each other. -- K. My apologies if I embarrassed you by quoting someone so much cleverer than you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Runaway Global Warming Possible! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 01:17:10 -0500 In response to something I wrote, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Call TJ Max TTJ west fraser fraser > nexfor fraser fraser yards > GLOBAL global global star global oil > dunns Star snow flake snow crystal > omegaventure super-star-leo > 3 million acres 1 million logs a year. > TTJ TRADES NYSX > giant eats giants. Dear glooble globble gibble super-spaz-botchular shamalalawarpo twerpo freddo, if that _is_ your real name, "Omegaventure" is a smerptacularly tastic new word. Can I florox it? > The log value on my 3 million acres is 246 billion . > I have 20 billion in cash. > buy sell ships ,,park loaded ships. > colect ships. > I started with nothing. > anyone says any diferant ,,I traded 150,000,000 in profit in here in > front of evryone and let evryone see the buyer and seller with real > money ,,in here 150 million . > I laid out 3 phone call deals ,,call the buyer seller and usa export > bank of united states wdc. So that's the log value of your land, okay, but what's the log value of your IQ? Hang on, let me look it up in the natural logarithm table... ah, 3.91202 (approximately.) > IF I send 20 mil to jerries kids and put your sig in the thanks box > and fill nothing else out then IRS will come to your door and you wount > hide behind no sig. Sure, do that, whatever you said. > Im in solomon ,,the islands on my ship. > The crew wants me to do 10 mill and make you faimouse on fox news for a > week. Crew, huh? Yeah, go ahead, do that stuff. > "" The man that ows 1 mil in taxes.. > after they sold his house. " > The IRS will ask if I know you ,,Ill say no. > The red cross says you gave them a million bucks. IRS will want to > know how you got a million bucks. Fine, fine, go ahead, execute your master plan. It's all quite beyond my comprehension. > I just think its the stink. Is that the same as "it's da bomb" or is it more like "it's the cat's ass"? I need to know, because I want to be sure I don't have to imagine you as Jackie Chan saying "This infrared is the car's ass!" in the "Cannonball Run" movie or whatever it was, assuming it was a movie and not just something you made up -- STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE THE ISSUE WITH HALF-TRUTHS AND GORILLA DUST! > How else can I make a harmless fucking mess ? Why, don't they let you have Play-Doh? > I can put the idiot that wans to kill KKK americans in jail. Stop talking about baseball scores. It's boring! Go back to talking about your fantasies of a three-way war between the Ku Klux Klan, the Internal Revenue Service, and the crazy guy with an invisible 300,000,000,000,000 ton inflatable yacht. > I can have you searched for drugs. I dare you to get Jack Black to frisk me. I'm waiting! > I can donate 10 million buckss and put your sig in the who to thank > box nd not fill anything else out but the numbers. > I just think its funny as fuck. > wana play with 10 million just to see 10 million ?? > start a new thred and end this Say "Uncle" first. Then call me "Uncle Shazbot". Otherwise I'll never invite you back here on the Uncle Shazbot show. I am the benevolent and omniscient Uncle Shazbot and on today's show, we'll learn about nutrition and what makes a balloon pop. But first, these cartoons, and then a pat-down from Officer Jack Black! > and ill post 10 million ,,EC-21 cif. > open buyer and seller and bank number. > 50 mil in usa trade. we can do it rite here. Are you coming on to me? Pervert. -- K. Uncle Shazbot's gonna tell on you. HEY OFFICER BLAAACK!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn the Death Ray Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 20:21:04 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Kibo kills character actor John Vernon! Well, Stacia, I apologize for mentioning "double secret probation" last month, but it's actually worse than you think! Just last night I was telling someone on the phone what a great movie "Animal House" was and how hilarious John Vernon (as the Nixonian Dean Wormer) was! Apparently by just mentioning a beloved character actor on the phone, I can cause immediate, total death thanks to my Telephonic Insta-Death Ray! > [...] > > Will someone put the damned death ray back in the case before it kills > again? For safety, it should be stored in a big thick bulletproof Lucite case, just like the Pope. -- K. During that conversation, I said that John Vernon gave the funniest performance but Donald Sutherland had the conceptually funniest character (the professor who desperately wants the students to not think he's a total loser.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Star Trek" cancelled again. Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 21:46:37 -0500 I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that "Star Trek" just got cancelled again. Somewhere, there is a network executive running around in little circles yelling "Whee! I got to be the second person to cancel 'Star Trek'! Now I'm the only other person in a super-exclusive club with Elliott Gould!" And another dream comes to an end -- now I'll never get to be the second person to cancel "Star Trek". Well, I'm sure they'll rush some new spin-off series into production so maybe there's still hope that I could get the job of being the third person. (It would entail sitting in a tiny, windowless room that contains nothing but me and a big red button marked "CANCEL 'STAR TREK' AGAIN".) Oh, and in other news, there are now rumors that the hockey season is going to be cancelled, instead of merely shortened from 1,230 games to one played in the commissioner's house's basement in July. But on the lighter side, NBC has announced that Martha Stewart will be hosting a new version of "The Apprentice". No word on whether her catchphrase will be the same as Trump's or whether they'll change "You're fired!" to... oh, never mind, it's just too obvious. -- K. Maybe I could get a button that would cancel her show _and_ "Star Trek" at the same time! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Star Trek" cancelled again. Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 00:56:57 -0500 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that "Star Trek" just got > > cancelled again. > > Just because you death rayed it! > > -> From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > -> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.star-trek.enterprise > -> Subject: Re: The Universe of Ordered Time > -> Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:12:36 -0500 > -> > -> [...] > -> Hey! You should post "SPOILER WARNING!" before you tell us that next > -> week's episode of "Star Trek: Enterprise" reveals that Lieutenant Zulu's > -> father was Shaka Khan Noonian Soong! You're right. I'm sorry I got your favorite show cancelled. I should have instead done something more reasonable, such as mentioning "Baby Geniuses" or "Match Game '76" or "Space: 1999" a hundred times as often as "Star Trek" so that it would be highly unlikely that anything bad could ever happen to "Star Trek" fans. > Couldn't you have at least mentioned Rick Berman in the same posting, > there we'd really have something to celebrate. Who? Oh, the "is-a-clean, is-a-dirty" guy. He was married to opera singer Shelly Berman, who is most famous for tearing a gas station apart in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World", the only comedy movie ever directed by Stanley Kubrick, who once got a cameo on "Star Trek" as "Tamoon", whose name is Swedish for "Mahna Mahna", which was also Mr. Spock's first and middle names. -- K. P.S. "Baby Geniuses" will never be cancelled, because it wasn't a TV series, it was just a movie and therefore nobody remembers it ever existed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: testing the a.r.k death ray Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2005 22:35:08 -0500 SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL Nope, didn't work, the TV is still talking about some stupid football game that nobody's interested in and is only the topic of discussion because the only real sports, hockey and pinball, aren't being played this year. It never works when you _want_ it to work. It only works by accident. Has the Death Ray ever behaved according to our wishes? Is the Pope Italian? -- K. Can someone please tell the Patriots to stop winning Super Bowls just to compensate for New England's tiny penis? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hospital food Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 06:48:22 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > The food at St Luke's is OUTSTANDING! Especially the cake, which is outstanding in the rain, and I'll neverrrr haaaaave that recipe aaaaagaaaaain... Wait, that's MacArthur Park, not Saint Luke's. > > > I especially recommend the lasagna, the soup, the cheesecake, the milk, > > > the grapes, the quesadillas, and especially the mashed red potatoes, > > > which I inhaled in about 3 bites. That's why the hospitals serve mashed potatoes and other mashed food, for people who've had stomach surgery and can only eat by inhaling things and absorbing all those hot warm vitamins through their lungs. It's either that or a potatenema, and those are no fun, especially with waffle fries. > > > [...] > > > > > > I thought I would miss my uterus, but after seeing it several times a > > > day all these months, well, perhaps we will exchange Hmas cards, but > > > that's it. If it wanted out that badly, I had to let it go. > > > > If you love something, set it free. > > If it doesn't come back,hunt it down and kill it. Mr. Rogers once told me on TV that when he was a kid, he would always eat the feet of chocolate bunnies first so they wouldn't hop away. But I knew someone who always ate the head first so that the bunny wouldn't watch him eat it. That moment of childhood cognitive dissonance was my first realization that people spent a lot of time thinking up new ways to be cruel to their food. As for me, I don't pretend my food is alive, even when it actually is. (I bought a cup of plain yogurt yesterday, because I need to make mint chutney.) My attitude towards things you love: Set them free once in a while so you can experience the joy of chasing them down and locking them in your crawlspace again and again. It makes a great birthday gift for them, or for you. I always feel sorry for the camera guys on "Cops" who have to chase the bad guys just like the policemen but don't get to participate in the Mag-Lite beatdowns. The camera guys don't get to share in the love the cops are expressing for the guy with the broken head. Where were we? Were we in the thread where I was about to point out that John Vernon's first role was as the voice of Big Brother in "1984" (where he put Winston Smith on double plus un-public probation) or were we in the middle of Rose Marie's uterus? And why is Mr. Rogers clubbing bunnies with a Mag-Lite? -- K. Someone stop Mr. Rogers, he's got Captain Kangaroo's Bunny Rabbit! Take him down with the non-lethal Ping-Pong balls! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 16:26:33 -0500 Well, I finally got my hair just the style of orange I wanted. I bleached it, then I dyed the hell out of it, then I bleached it again so it got that metallic gold color I like to bring out, then I let it grow out a little to put some black underneath the gold, then I dyed it bright orange with a mix of fluorescent orange dye and fluorescent yellow dye, so that the color is in layers -- orange over gold over black, which results in a really boss flame-colored mottling. Plus I got the front of the beard (the goatee part) to be a little brighter than most of the hair, and the rest of the beard (the muttonchops part) I made a little darker (by trimming it back to make the black show more) and the use of the different tones of orange works to add definition to my face just as if I had a goatee but allowing me to keep the full beard. (People who shave are sissies.) And the best part is that I got the orange bright enough that it matches the flames on my leather tieback bandanna cap. Sure, I don't wear the silly thing too often (it's only for special events) but still, I mention it here just to show that I have much better pirate headwear than Lots42 will ever have. Arrrr! It be a mighty do-rag! -- K. Yo ho ho, luciferin's the dye for me! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:11:05 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] then I dyed it bright orange with a mix of fluorescent > > orange dye and fluorescent yellow dye, so that the color is in > > layers -- orange over gold over black, which results in a really > > boss flame-colored mottling. > > My dear Kibo, > I understand completely that you don't want to be photographed > and that you probably can't on account of the camera lens > would show only a huge grilled cheese sandwich with your image > on it but here in my black and white world of limited imagination, > the inability to see properly see these colors is driving me crazy. Then get your butt over to Hair Chemical Warehouse or wherever you buy whatever sorts of acids and bases you make fight little wars across your scalp and follow my recipe. Don't expect to be rewarded by knowing what color my hair is if you're too lazy to do a simple chemistry experiment involving noxious reagents and your face. Oh, and you'll need to grow a beard first. > (And I won't go crazy quietly and all by myself I'll take everyone > with me,just so you know.) I already did that. And please step to the back of the bus and make room for people carrying the large boxes of candy people are supposed to bring but forget to take home when the ride my bus. > Let it be on your head! Sorry, there are already several other things on my head. I think one of them's tritium. > I cannot visualize these colors properly as they should > be viewed [...] Do not view Kibo directly. Exposure to Kibo may cause blindness, impotence, insanity, death, implosive diarrhea, purple jaundice, or the Cymbeline blood-burn. Do not take Kibo internally, seriously, or to any museum which has "DO NOT LICK" signs on every painting. No refunds, no givebacks, no tickee, no shirtee, no cheese. Do not turn the page until instructed to do so. -- K. I can't wait until I'm old enough to buy a toupee so I can make my hair look really weird. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:09:38 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, I finally got my hair just the style of orange I wanted. > > Did you use Electric Lava Manic Panic? Remember how, in 1991, when alt.religion.kibology started, I said that someday there would be a test? Well, I didn't actually say it, I just thought it, but it still counts, because under the Berne Convention something is copyrighted the moment you think it and therefore it has the force of law behind it. So I don't think I need to mention yet again that Electica Lava and Electric Banana are my two favorite Manic Panic colors. My current shade is a 50% mixture of the two because I wanted to do a light orange to match my new bandanna cap. > I ask because I finally got my ass to a beauty supply store last night > and got to see Manic Panic up close. Electric Lava was sold out, Always is, because I go from store to store cleaning them out. > but the hair sample left on the shelf showed that it has a multitonal > effect, and it knocked my socks off. The fluorescent orange fades pretty fast, which is why you get that nice streaky effect. > I still covet the blues but I don't think my new job would let me go that > far with my hair. Maybe maroon. Vampire Red will give you a burgundy. Pillarbox Red is a bright red but you could mix a tiny amount of Raven (black) in with it to darken it. > > And the best part is that I got the orange bright enough that > > it matches the flames on my leather tieback bandanna cap. > > The best part of my hair is that the dark ash blonde matches my shoes! > Sigh. Boring sucks. So I was outside the bar hanging out with the smokers, while I was dressed in my leathers with the flamin' pirate cap, and this big-haired little wound-up lady posed herself on the edge of the curb and went into this long rant about how she wanted us to accept Jeeeezus into our lives because she loved us and didn't want our immortal souls to go to Hell. I appreciated her concern for the wellbeing of imaginary parts of our bodies in her cosmology, but she didn't seem to have any inclination to go away after the crowd had been completely ignoring her for a long while. Clearly a zinger was called for. I started running through hecklisms in my mind. Possibilities I rejected included "Less yappin', more slappin'!" and "You want us to listen to you, you gotta get better shoes, girlfriend!" Eventually I settled on just fixing my gaze on her momentarily while making the simple declarative statement, "WORST. DOMINATRIX. EVER!" She left. So, anyway, Stacia, it's not whether the color of your hair matches your shoes, it's whether your hair is taller than your heels. -- K. It's known as the Shatner rule. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Happy Days 30th Anniversary Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 16:48:52 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Geez, I expected Kibo to review the two-hour show, especially since > Potsie sang twice in the clips and Fonzie jumped the shark. I already told all of Garry Marshall's stories about two weeks ago. Also once upon a time I told you guys the _real_ reason it was switched to filming in front of an audience (it was because of one of Tony Randall's hissy fits) and, unlike the reunion special, _my_ idea of the complete cast of "Happy Days" includes Roger (aka Replacement Richie), Al (aka Replacement Replacement Arnold), Bingo (aka Replacement Ralph), Eugene (aka Replacement Potsie), Melvin (aka Replacement Replacement Potsie), K.C. (aka Replacement Joanie), and Officer Kirk (aka Not Shatner.) Not to mention Ashley, but I don't know where to file her because she was the same actress as Richie's forty-year-old girlfriend but with bleached hair. I'm also not sure how many of Arthur/Arnold/Al there were -- the diner was "Arthur's" in the pilot and "Arnold's" after that, and in the first season there was an Arnold who wasn't Pat Morita, and then Arnold was Pat Morita, and then Al Molinaro replaced Pat Morita, and then eventually Pat Morita replaced Al Molinaro. So I think Pat Morita might have been Arthur/Arnold/Al #2 and #4 since we never saw Arthur. I wasn't expecting them to acknowledge that "The Fonz & The Happy Days Gang In Outer Space" (the terrible animated show) was one of the spin-offs of "Happy Days". Apparently the animated "Mork & Mindy" show isn't as beloved by Garry Marshall. I liked that he acknowledged what "Happy Days" was actually a ripoff of (the chain went this way: "Summer of '42" -> the "Love, American Style" episode -> "American Graffiti" -> "Happy Days") because I guess now enough water has gone under the shark so that George Lucas won't sue over Henry Winkler being Fake Harrison Ford. (Henry Winkler's a better actor anyway, but Harrison Ford's funnier.) The one piece of new information Garry Marshall gave us: That rolled-up red bandanna around Chachi's right thigh was something they made up because they wanted to start a new fashion trend, and it never caught on. The whole time, Donny Most looked like he wanted to leave. -- K. By the way, kids, you should never, ever get a library card. Library cards are for nerds. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Woman Accused of Giving Lethal Sherry Enema Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 17:02:33 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > -> HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman has been indicted for criminally > -> negligent homicide for causing her husband's death by giving him a > -> sherry enema, a police detective said on Wednesday. You know, I saw this going over the news wires a couple days ago, and said to myself, "Naah, I won't bother making fun of it on a.r.k because everyone's probably already seen it because at least two people there must have mentioned it by now because everyone on a.r.k loves sherry enemas," so I never mentioned it. I figured there would already be at least three punk rock bands here named "Lethal Sherry Enema" by now. The best of the three is "Lethal Sherry Enema & Lamb Chop". > -> Tammy Jean Warner, 42, gave Michael Warner two large bottles of > -> sherry on May 21, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 > -> percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk > -> in Texas, police detective Robert Turner in Lake Jackson, Texas, > -> told the Houston Chronicle. So what's the problem if he was legally drunk, not illegally drunk? > -> "We're not talking about little bottles here," Turner said. > -> "These were at least 1.5-liter bottles." During a wine enema, it's not the size of the bottle that matters, it's how long you leave the cork in. > -> Warner, 58, was said to have an alcohol problem "Doctor, I've got a drinking problem. Every time I try to take a drink, I accidentally put it up my ass." > -> and received the wine enema because a throat ailment left him > -> unable to drink the sherry, Turner told the newspaper. So now that the two giant bottles of wine killed him, can his widow get her four dollars back from Trader Joe's? -- K. I would mention Bardex here, but lately the makers of Bardex enema tubes have been suing anyone on the Internet who mentions that Bardex enema tubes can be used to give enemas. That's "Bardex", B-A-R-D-E-X. Today's episode was brought to you by Bardex and Trader Joe's. Drink responsibly, and orally! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: cursed are needed Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 17:11:10 -0500 In one of his seven sci.physics articles titled "curses are needed" or "cursed are needed" today, kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com wrote: > > I guess a lot of helicopters are going to crash. You guess? You GUESS? Can't you at least pretend you have confidence in your new theory that you can cause helicopters to crash by saying the word "cursed" more often than Anton LaVey and NetHack combined? C'mon, we want to see proof that you can make helicopters go down in flames, especially if you can fill them with lawyers and network TV executives first. And Ronald McDonald. Can your theory put Ronald McDonald in a helicopter for me? If not, then it's not a very good theory. -- K. I'd settle for the Burger King and half of Colonel Sanders, especially if it's the half that raps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Comment on my reivews...please? Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2005 17:16:53 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > Absoluta sententia expositore non indiget > > Would you mind explaining that sentence in plain words? It's a technical legal phrase most commonly seen at the bottom of summary judgements against Archimedes Plutonium. It's judge-speak for "What part of 'you're a nitwit' don't you understand?" Beable, stop calling Joe Bay a nitwit. -- K. You can call me a nitwit if you'd like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:14:44 -0500 [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > we could be a kibological sit-com, where, instead of people > misinterpretting what they accidentally hear, they deliberatly > misinterpret everything they're told. also, YOUR IDEA SUCKS > interrupt. YOUR IDEA IS GREAT AND I SUPPORT IT AND I AM THE STAR > you'd have half "normal" people and half kibologists. maybe > this would be at a college ("Kibo U") and the kibologists would > be a bunch of nerds who form their own fraternity (like that > one movie) and constantly have hijinks involving the campus > jocks. the jocks would refer to the kibologists as "trolls". But who would get to be the crusty but loveable hardass dean and who would be the psychotic ROTC drill instructor and who would be the diseased, coughing lunch lady and who would be the guy who's never "gotten" "laid"? > each episode, the focus would be on one of the jocks getting > involved in yet another madcap kibologist prank and would have > very marx-brothers-esque conversations where two kibologists > would badger the jock from both sides with rapidfire repartee > and nonsequiturs. I call dibs on being the bad cop. Or the guy who pretends to be the good cop but is really waiting for the "bad" cop to leave the room so that he can really get medieval. Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, especially as my dean would be the crustiest character ever -- he'd even wear a deep-fried pork-pie hat. > the important thing is to figure out how to work DISHONESTY into > the show, somehow. because all sitcoms depend on dishonesty. it's > not just the "Three's Company" formula. consider the following: > > 1) two characters pretend to be each other (sometimes, they're > actual identical twins.) this happened in a couple "Three's > Company" episodes, as well as one episode of "The Brady Bunch" > (Pete found an identical twin to doubledate with, then wound > up dating two chyxxx at once.) also, two episodes of "Friends" > (Phoebe's sister uses her name as her porn name, Rachel and > Monica pretend to be each other.) this is a popular formula > in any sitcom with young single people. Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop pretending to be the bad cop and the bad cop pretending to be the good cop and the crusty dean pretending to be a new freshman in order to secretly infiltrate that rambunctious fraternity. > 2) character hides a mistake to avoid punishment or ridicule. > very popular in sitcoms with kid characters (Pete Brady breaks > mom's vase) or two characters who are dating each other (Ross > sleeps with a copy gurl while he's on a break.) Every episode would be split into two half-hour shows. The first one would be the sitcom, and the second one would be the punishment. > 3) character lies about accomplishments, job, etc. EXAMPLE: every > single "Seinfeld" episode feature George Costanza. George was > quite possibly the funniest character in any sitcom, ever, > because his whole personality was based on lies, without his > being the "sleazy liar" archetype a la John Laroquette's > character in "Night Court". Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop lying about whether he's only pretending to be the bad cop or is really the bad cop pretending to not be pretending he's the good cop. What did I say? > 4) character hides true feelings from a love interest. this is > the whole "romantic tension" theory behind "Moonlighting", > "Cheers", "Friends", etc. Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > hell, the whole PREMISE of "Three's Company" is based on a lie: > Jack Tripper tells the Ropers he's gay so he can live with two > women. because, inexplicable, he can somehow be evicted if he's > living with a woman he's not married to. in BIZARRO CALIFORNIA, > apparently, where people are actually highly moral and never have > premarital sex. I call dibs on telling Jack Black I'm straight so I can move in with him. -- K. Also, I get to keep all the free fried food that will fit on my head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 02:13:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] > > > > Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but > > loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, > > You just faked breaking your leg so you wouldn't have to play Slim > Pickens, didn't you? Aw, c'mon! I wanna ride the bomb that destroys the world! > > Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in Cronenberg's "Crash". Whereas on our sitcom, my fourth character would be "Vaughn" in "Melrose Heights 902102402". And my fifth would be a robot. But that's beside the point. Who or what was this "Aqualung" character? IMDB.com knows the name of every character Elias Koteas played (Butch, Colt, The Kisser, Bugger, Jesus, etc.) and none of them's "Aqualung". In fact, IMDB says there has never been an "Aqualung" in any character in any movie or TV series of ViewMaster reel in all of history throughout the Universe with liberty and justice for all. Google also claims nobody has ever used the words "Elias Koteas" and "Aqualung" on the same page (until today.) Are you sure you didn't mistype "Quasimodo"? It's possible, they both have a "q"... they both even have a "u" after the "q". Coincidence... or hunchback? -- K. "I would think I'd accomplished it all if I could get to play Quasimodo." -- Elias Koteas, quoted on IMDB.com ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Underwear dreams (was: sitcoms) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:17:36 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The only underwear dream I remember involved going to church in my > tighty-whiteys, (Cue Groucho Marx) > only to discover that there was a carousel in the back of the chapel. > Embarasment concerning public underwearation is much diminished by > riding a carousel during the sermon! Were you yelling "YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!" while riding it? Because if so, that would make you cool. If not, that would make you weird and creepy. > All you docturbs OF PSYCHO-THERAPY! may now explain why Wiblur is all > mental and stuff. I prefer explaining to doctors why I'm all mental and stuff just to watch them cringe. And, oh yeah, I have perfectly legitimate excuses for being in the mood I'm in right now. -- K. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:13:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > This is most unpleasant. I'm going to have bad dreams tonight, > > > I just know it. > > > > The one where you are walking around the school in your underwear or the > > one where you're the only one who doesn't know there is a "Major Test" > > that day? > > The "Major Test" dream never happens to me, because I can usually squeak > through a test without too much humiliation. [...] See, Stacia, those of us who are used to doing _well_ on tests, we're the ones who have nightmares about failing to prepare for them. You'll never know the joy of dreaming about flunking. > And the underwear one, well, my underwear figures into almost all the > embarassing incidents I had in high school. I became so immune to > underwear humiliation that when our theatre teacher demanded we all do > something embarassing to break the ice, I took off my bra in front of the > class. Under my shirt, of course. Tossed it on my desk and said, "Next". > The teacher then demanded I do something that would actually embarass me. I hope you said "You know, it's really embarassing to have to bring a sexual-harassment lawsuit against my seventh favorite teacher..." > I was forced to read a note I wrote when I was 12 about who I had a crush > on. That sucked. I would have rather taken off more clothes. > I like stories. Stories are better than crushes. Crushes hurt. Stories only hurt Spot. Poor Spot! He had a crush on an egg! And when he hugged it to show how much he loved it, he crushed it! "Waah!" cried Spot, "I don't like this new type of story that has me be in emotional pain instead of simple physical pain!" And then he realized he forgot to study for the test and he was wearing Stacia's bra, and then he woke up, and rolled over, and crushed the egg he was sleeping with. The End. -- K. Couldn't you have just _acted_ embarrassed to placate your sadistic drama teacher? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:25:32 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". > > > > I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in > > Cronenberg's "Crash". > > He was Harlan in "Novocaine", too. A much better film in my opinion, > although "Crash" had the most plot I've ever seen in a soft core Cinemax > pornie. Holly Hunter was about as sexually attractive as cottage cheese, > though. The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. Without all the sex, it just becomes this fragmentary thing -- a soft-core porn film without the porn. The reason many studios bring out separate R and unrated editions of movies (especially crappy teen comedies) is that Blockbuster will only carry the R ones, and theaters will only play the R ones, but sales go up if they bring out two discs for retailers to stock. But what does Blockbuster do in the case of "Crash", where the R and NC-17 versions are on the same disc? Do they scratch up the part of the disc that has the porn version? Or do they just not carry the film? (There was a period where Blockbuster's whitelist refused to include a lot of films that they just considered too disturbing, such as "Brazil" or anything with a gay theme, and if that policy were still in effect you bet your bippy they'd never carry any version of "Crash", not even an airline edit on VHS -- Blockbuster actually used to pass off censored versions of PG and R films as the originals on VHS.) Anyway, "Novocaine" is in my stack of discs to watch, right between "Secretary" and "Rex The Runt". All I know about it is that it's one of the eight films where Steve Martin plays a sadistic dentist or doctor. I sure hope he doesn't sing in this one. Then again, could be worse, Blockbuster could edit together the Steve Martin musical version of "Little Shop Of Horrors" with the Jack Nicholson non-musical version and make Jack Nicholson sing, and if you've ever seen "Tommy" you know that Mr. Nicholson has almost less musical ability than I do. > [...] > > > Coincidence... or hunchback? > > Leave it to Kibo to invent a fabulous new parlor game in mere seconds. What other famous people think they should have been hunchbacks? Andy Dick? -- K. (Blue Meanie voice) Guy Lombardo? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:51:08 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, > > because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. > > I understand that the sex was integral to the film. But I didn't feel > enough time was spent on the reason they were having sex. Dude, grownups have sex because they like having sex. There, I just explained half the movies in the world. > [...] > Part of the problem is that I expected the film to shock me. I don't > shock easily anymore, apparently. I don't think I've been shocked since "Un Chien Andalou". And that was before I was born. After I was born, I was all "Yeah, so, what else ya got?" By kindergarten, it was "Yeah, he's big, he's a bird, is the combination supposed to be special?" > "Ichi The Killer" managed to surprise me, maybe "One Hour Photo" > to a degree, but that's about it. "One Hour Photo" didn't surprise me at all, because it was a fascinating documentary about my real life. (I don't know why they cast Mork as me, but it worked once he got his hands into the photo chemicals.) "Ichi The Killer" did actually startle me a little because it contained one or two things I haven't done in real life, though lately I have been drooling over the little packets of surgical steel fishhooks down at the store. > [...] > > For everyone who cares, this is my marathon movie list for next weekend: > > 1. Sweet Sweetbacks Baadasssss Song (1971) > 2. Starsky & Hutch (2004) > 3. Can't Stop the Music (1980) Why not watch them in the opposite order? That way if "Can't Stop The Music" makes you die from terminal lameness you won't have to rent the other two, a savings that will give you something to feel good about while the Steve Guttenberg movie kills you. > I'd like to add the original "Rollerball" to that, but I'll save it for > when "The Kansas City Bomber" is released on DVD. The real "Rollerball" is a great film. The remake "Rollerball" is actually worse than "Can't Stop The Music", though in a completely different direction. A double feature of "Can't Stop The Music" and the re-"Rollerball" would be so bad it would kill everyone within a 500-mile radius of your DVD player. -- K. I love re-enacting scenes from movies I've enjoyed, but the problem now is that I liked "Battle Royale", and even though I'm sure I can get a track suit I don't know how to set up the rest of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:15:50 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: 100 Most Recent Postings. Feb. 5, 2005. > > From time to time I check out google.com to see what people are > saying about me. I do have a high Ego and am concerned what > is said about me. You should hire a ghostwriter. I'm available. -- K. And concise. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:17:14 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > A nearby vendor really liked the pirate hat. Since said vendor has > saved our bacon on numerous occasions, we let him own it. > > This vendor is not the rude gay vendor. So I hope you didn't let him also get his hands on your little fireman's hat. Also, what do you mean by "bacon"? -- K. The first time I wore my pirate bandanna, it left black marks on my forehead that just didn't want to wash off. I see a market for pirate hats that give free semi-temporary tattoos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:20:28 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I did not sell it to him, I gave it to him. Don't change the subject -- we were talking about hats! > He does not know the hat's origins. "Well, first the Earth cooled..." Seriously, Lots, good for you -- you've gotten more entertainment out of that one pirate hat than even a chimp could have. However, I'm hoping to catch up (or at least advance to the rank of Double Chimp) now that I have a far better pirate hat. Does anyone else on this newsgroup have a pirate hat? And if so, can we fight to see which one of us has to buy the drinks? -- K. I could get you a replacement pirate hat. How small is your head? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newbie sticks his nose into the tent Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:21:45 -0500 [in tribute to Jack Curry, who was only with us a short time] dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I only wish he'd been on ARK longer.He made me think of food. I have an announcement. The moment I die, the word "bacon" will be replaced by "Kibo" so that my death will make you think of bacon, and vice versa. Of course, now I might never die, as from now on, fanatical bacon fans will be protecting me in order to preserve the true name of bacon. But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by renaming bacon after myself. I mean, that guy who wrote Shakespeare's plays did the same thing. -- K. I HEART BACON but also I HEART HEARTS but only the ones ground up in those frozen breaded "veal" patties I like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My D-Ray Candidates for February Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:22:22 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Benny Hinn is this faith healer-slash-mongolian-chef who slaps people with > his jacket, unless I'm confusing him with another violent faith healer. Hmm, should I become a faith healer? Though I do hate taking my heavy leather jacket off... maybe I should wear another one under it? Also, you're confusing Benny Hinn with Belly Hill, who heals people by slapping them on top of the head hundreds of times in fast motion. -- K. Could I instead be a faith sickener? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review:Million Dollar Baby Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:23:33 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I couldn't understand the last fight scene. > It looked like the Blue Bear got counted out to ten > and then they put the stool in the ring. > Nobody puts a stool in the ring after a ten count. Eww. Lowercase Pete, please never again write poems about your collection of German "Kaviar" videos. Also, please make them rhyme. The poems you're not writing, not the videos you're watching. Ick! -- K. Can't you watch something wholesome, like that "Mr. Rogers" episode where he shows how to start a fire? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: British government falsely jailed, film at 11 Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:30:36 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [www.reuters.com] > -> > -> Three decades after being falsely jailed for detonating IRA bombs > -> at English pubs, the British government apologized on Wednesday to > -> 11 people in one of the nation's worst miscarriages of justice. > > Reuters is a respected British institution whose world-class editors > understand every nuance of expository writing in English, so I can > only conclude this sentence means what it seems to mean. Sometimes I try to go an entire day believing everyone means what they say. But then I realize that most people are idiots and I'm back to being my happy self. Hey, look! The TV news just said a million and a half people did something! It makes me feel good to believe they didn't actually saw a guy in half in front of the Orange Julius stand at the mall just to make that news story true! > If only we in the USA had the courage. I could really go for an Orange Julius right now. Where's my chainsaw? -- K. Mmm, human smoothie. You can tell I'm having a bad day whenever I fantasize about murder and cannibalism or worse, actually paying for an Orange Julius product. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo is a nitwit! Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:36:42 -0500 cl (cluna@midsouth.rr.com) wrote: > > [...] > > ...and then the brawny nurse with a gruff voice enters the room. She has > in her hand a plastic cup with a mix of pharmaceuticals and a paper cup > full of water. Do you: > > A) take the pills like a good boy only to realize they are raspberry Pez I'm not even going to read the other choices because if raspberry Pez really existed, I'd critically injure myself just to go to your hospital for some raspberry Pez. Razzleberry is my favorite candy flavor. The dark reddish-purple kind, not the blue kind (though it's pretty good too.) Black is in between. You know that lavender raspberry ice cream from Friendly's (made by Sealtest)? That's the flavor raspberry Pez would be, though color-wise they'd be a little more of a burgundy. I WANT THEM NOW!!! MUST HAVE RASPBERRY PEZ!!! -- K. Green tea Pez would also be nice to have. Or lime. But not both, because kids couldn't handle there being two shades of green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:56:58 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I see 400 post in a row . > Some one walks. > I want a JOB for it. > Im not plaiming the dumbass this time. Then what are you whatevering, dumbass? > YEA you see me dumb fuck. Worst Tarzan impression ever! > CLEAN HOUSE TODAY OR ILL HAVE YOU CLEANING on your way out. > The next gets the task you get tagged. > IF I fire your stupid ass nd tag it will look like when your tired of > your job you start sabotoge . > ILL SUE YOU FUCKING BLUE DUDE You misspelled "SUCK". Here, have some Altoids. > ILLtag evry check you get fr the rest of your life. > because of YOU 7 % of the ng base has left. > YOU are sabotoging my investments. > I have 11 billion in the net and you damaged a pice of it. > I want compesation and you are FIRED. Gee, that's too bad, Lowercase TJ. Because I have 12 billion in the net. Also I have an IQ of 13 billion and I'm 14 billion feet tall and you're wearing your underwear backwards. -- K. "I'm not plaiming the dumbass": HERE COMES A MEME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:38:41 -0500 In one of six sci.physics articles apparently responding to something I said, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kibbo rad the fucking thing =BF=BF > what a duzt. You misspelled "jeenyus". > I bet he counts cars too. Aww. No need to get jealous, Lowercase TJ. Someday someone will teach you what comes after "2". > ahy kibbo.. > wana play with $ 10,000,000 in real cold hard cash ??? > we can play "" load da bote "" with real ships and real banks and > real trades kiboooo. > Do you have a billion bucks kibooooo ? > lets se if your pee ass brain can handle 10 millin bucks by friday . I stopped buying pee ass brain years ago. Now I only buy St. Joseph's orange ass brain. It's chewable ass brain, but I can still pee it afterwards. > are you in or out. > Ill slap 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons .. > lets load 20,000 tons on a ship and see if you can handle making 10 mil > in profit this week. > put your brain where your mouth is. Sure. But first, put your mouth where my dick is. > we will use the import export bank of the united states of america for > your CIF deal. > If you have the nerve ,,lets do it for real. > lets see if you can make 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons . > its chump change ,, > I dropped 150 million in here lets make it 170. > or can you handle 2 million ? > 2 or 20 pick one . > Then Ill post the buyer the seller boath prices duties and cif and the > person at the bank. > All you have to do is have the fucking balls to pick the phone up 3 > times. > take me 1 hour So each time, it takes you twenty minutes to dial? Wow. You're a duzt, whatever that is. A big phlezofiglic rota-duzt. -- K. You're even more of a duzt than Esther Spork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 03:01:50 -0500 In sci.physics, apparently replying to me, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Tomarrow then Ill post the 10 mil you lost. > you were 3 phone calls from 10 millin bucks. Sorry, you'd have to pay me more than $10,000,000 to take even one phone call from you. There's not enough money in the world to get me to listen to you three times. > next time I shove a few mil under your chin you better wise up and > take the money fool. > I dont hand out 10 mil evry day ..just once a week. > Do you know Im over here in solomon islands because they nead enouph > electric for 300,000 people ?? non plubiciesed ..dont like cameras. > 2,5 mil gift to solomon electric. > and a nice 100,000 a year for some one. > I gave way 100 million this year so far. > I still taded and made 150 million and still sold 3 million logs. Yes, you are still taded. Also, you spilled custad on your leotad. > I made over 2 billion this year. > I would have made good on the 10 mil trade deal. 3 phone calls would > have put 10 mil in your account. > Im 50 and dont care how much I make or give away ..22 billion is a > chunk of cash on top of 12 bulkers and 3 millin acres. > You think Im nutz because Im not english . I didn't say you weren't English. I said you weren't human. And even space aliens can speak English. Haven't you ever seen a documentary titled "Space: 1999"? > I dont do what the TV says I do. > The media dont know me. > I wount let the media know me. > I like my freedom. > BUT your a sad poor broke sob. > yer physics sucks and I got my PHD in ussr. Uh huh. Frankly, I don't think you're even a BHA in BVDs -- a half-naked Carl Sagan running around stoned would be more coherent than you. > How stupid can you be ? $10,000,000 worth Don't worry, I'm not done yet. Keep your checkbook out. -- K. I've been contributing to America's Grossly Stupid National Product since 1967. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:40:02 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Yah ,,kibboo > I sold da big red bote. > Yup I sold the 245 foot ice breaker and got me a 500 footer 14000 ton. > You rember the big red bote !! Oh, the one that was the red shade of invisible. What color of invisible is the new one? Four-dimensional polka-dotted with cinnamon swirls? > The ice breaking castel at sea with 2 million in yachts on its deck for > a life boat. > You remeber the imaginary boat as you put it !! The " one of a kind > big red bote."" > I sold it.. the imaginary as you put it.. > BUT KIBOOOO > How many ice breakers are a billionaires yacht and how many of them > are giants ??? > Only 1 ,,there cant be two. Yeah, the Universe isn't big enough to hold two of your imaginary yachts. > 2 pages. > you gotta see page 2. > ask ,,Ill show you the engine room and bridge too. Ask nice Ill > show yoou my new ship. I put 250 million in the new ships deckhouse. > went up to alaska and picked up 4 tons of platinum went and picked up > 3 ship loads of nickle ..200 million bucks a load stuff. I don't think you could even pick up _a_ nickel. You'd probably run away screaming from the scary-looking portrait of Thomas Jefferson on it. It's eerie how it seems like his eyes are following your imaginary boat around the room! > The crew go 10s of mils in bonus. Dude, just because the 10-mil plastic bag they came in said "CREW SOCKS" doesn't mean they're qualified to steer your imaginary yacht to the Moon and back or wherever you're flying it to today. It can fly, right? All the better imaginary yachts can, so I hope you didn't just get one of those ones that you have to hang from a left-handed skyhook. > the ship picked up a billion bucks in 5 months. > I pull up to a wreck 20 to 50 years old and unload it like it was at > the dock. > even if its 2500 - 10,000 feet down. > > > > besides the fact there cant be two .. > Google Image Result for http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg > Address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/giant.htm&h=263&w=390&sz=18&tbnid=eZ3qEAk65D4J:&tbnh=80&tbnw=118&start=6&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgiant%2Byacht%2B%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26c2coff%3D1 Uh huh. Then how do you explain this? http://www.mistupid.com/games/conecrazy.htm -- K. Go ahead, see if you can outsmart those dunce caps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:07:10 -0500 [Did you already read this? Too bad. I had to repost it to correct a horrible mistake which ruined it the first time you read it so now you have to read the whole thing all over again.] The New York Times, having already reported on every single foreign "bus plunge" and every case of a wealthy socialite wrongly denied a zoning variance, brings us this enlightening article to inform us that evil exists -- and yet scientists can't see evil with a microscope. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> For the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be 'Evil' -> By Benedict Carey -> -> Predatory killers often do far more than commit murder. Some -> have lured their victims into homemade chambers for prolonged -> torture. Others have exotic tastes -- for vivisection, sexual -> humiliation, burning. Many perform their grisly rituals as -> much for pleasure as for any other reason. -> -> Among themselves, a few forensic scientists have taken to -> thinking of these people as not merely disturbed but evil. -> Evil in that their deliberate, habitual savagery defies any -> psychological explanation or attempt at treatment. I guess the word "psychopath" is too hard for scientists to spell these days. And "sadistic" got bogarted by all sorts of people such as movie critics for wildly inappropriate uses, i.e. "this movie is sadistic" means "I watched this movie and it was awful therefore I must be a masochist therefore this movie must have forced me to watch it against my will." -> Most psychiatrists assiduously avoid the word evil, -> contending that its use would precipitate a dangerous slide -> from clinical to moral judgment that could put people on -> death row unnecessarily Right! We should never put people on death row for being evil! We should only put them on death row for being sick! -> and obscure the understanding of violent criminals. MEMO TO ALL THE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD: YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE BAD PEOPLE. TRULY EVIL PEOPLE DO THINGS WITHOUT A REASON. People don't commit crimes because they watched the wrong movies, played the wrong video games, or ate the wrong Twinkies. Some people are just bad people and we will never, ever understand why a human being could do something as evil as making a bad movie, let alone gunning down everyone in a Fuddrucker's. -> Still, many career forensic examiners say their work forces -> them to reflect on the concept of evil, and some acknowledge -> they can find no other term for certain individuals they have -> evaluated. -> -> In an effort to standardize what makes a crime particularly -> heinous, a group at New York University has been developing -> what it calls a depravity scale, which rates the horror of an -> act by the sum of its grim details. The New Math keeps getting weirder. First all the scientists in the world tried to switch us to using Base Twelve and metric, and now they want us to get new calculators with special buttons that can add up depravity. DEPRAVITY CONVERSION SCALE: 1 murder = 4 attempted murders 1 attempted murder = 15 armed bank heists 1 armed bank heist = 20 incidences of cheating in Scrabble tournaments 1 Scrabble cheat = 4 incidences of meowing at a chained dog 1 meowing at dog = 6 intentional farts 1 intentional fart = 3 unintentional farts 1 unintentional fart = 2 unintentional belches 1 unintentional belch = 4 misspellings 1 misspelling = 15 impure thoughts 1 impure thought = 12 pure thoughts 1 pure thought = 2 angels dancing on 1 pin -> And a prominent personality expert at Columbia University has -> published a 22-level hierarchy of evil behavior, derived from -> detailed biographies of more than 500 violent criminals. I need to get a copy of this hierarchy of evil, mainly so I can look up all my friends. I wonder how I can get my hands on it. Of course, the Catch-22 is that wondering which of the 22 levels you are is in itself evil, which bumps you up one notch, unless you're already at the top, in which case it renders the entire scale null and void and you have to go back to measuring evil by counting someone's tattoos. Let me see if I can come up with a 22-leevel hierarchy of evilitude: 1. evilness 2. badness 3. naughtiness 4. Andy Rooneyness 5. Jar Jar 6. hooliganism 7. rapscallionism 8. raprutabagaism 9. rap 10. Klingons 11. Romulans 12. hockey fights 13. food fights 14. people who hang the toilet paper the wrong way around so that your cat will unroll it 15. your cat unrolling it 16. your cat setting fire to it 17. some sort of automated wedgie-giving robot 18. Cookie Monster Nope, I can't think of more than 18 levels of evil. I guess that makes me bad. -> He is now working on a book urging the profession not to -> shrink from thinking in terms of evil when appraising certain -> offenders, even if the E-word cannot be used as part of an -> official examination or diagnosis. -> -> "We are talking about people who commit breathtaking acts, -> who do so repeatedly, who know what they're doing, and are -> doing it in peacetime" under no threat to themselves, said -> Dr. Michael Stone, the Columbia psychiatrist, who has -> examined several hundred killers at Mid-Hudson Psychiatric -> Center in New Hampton, N.Y., and others at Creedmoor -> Psychiatric Center in Queens, where he consults and teaches. -> "We know from experience who these people are, and how they -> behave," and it is time, he said, to give their behavior "the -> proper appellation." So if I strangled someone here while there was a war happening over there, would that be evil? 'Cause I would be "breathtaking" with extreme prejudice, but it would be during wartime which makes it okay, or something. I can't figure out this crazy psychiatrist. -> Western religious leaders, evolutionary theorists and -> psychological researchers agree that almost all human beings -> have the capacity to commit brutal acts, even when they are -> not directly threatened. In Dr. Stanley Milgram's famous -> electroshock experiments in the 1960's, participants -> delivered what they thought were punishing electric jolts to -> a fellow citizen, merely because they were encouraged to do -> so by an authority figure as part of a learning experiment. Yes, yes, Milgram's Obedience Experiment, I've read the paper, seen the film, got the home game. -> In the real world, the grim images coming out of Iraq -- the -> beheadings by Iraqi insurgents and the Abu Ghraib tortures, -> complete with preening guards -- suggest how much further -> people can go when they feel justified. Dude, everyone always feels justified all the time for everything they do. They wouldn't do it otherwise. Argh. Reading amateur philosophizing this inane makes me want to kill. -> In Nazi prisoner camps, as during purges in Kosovo and -> Cambodia, historians found that clerks, teachers, bureaucrats -> and other normally peaceable citizens committed some of the -> gruesome violence, apparently swept along in the kind of -> collective thoughtlessness that the philosopher Hannah Arendt -> described as the banality of evil. Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats and librarians could get violent, who would you think could? Here, New York Times, let me make your whole article much shorter and louder: YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT THE NAZIS ONLY RECRUITED HOCKEY PLAYERS UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> "Evil is endemic, it's constant, it is a potential in all of -> us. Just about everyone has committed evil acts," said -> Dr. Robert I. Simon, a clinical professor of psychiatry at -> Georgetown Medical School and the author of "Bad Men Do What -> Good Men Dream." But what do bad men dream about, other than new "Star Wars" prequels? -> Dr. Simon considers the notion of evil to be of no use to -> forensic psychiatry, in part because evil is ultimately in -> the eye of the beholder, shaped by political and cultural as -> well as religious values. The terrorists on Sept. 11 thought -> that they were serving God, he argues; those who kill people -> at abortion clinics also claim to be doing so. If the issue -> is history's most transcendent savages, on the other hand, -> most people agree that Hitler and Pol Pot would qualify. "Transcendent"? Between that and "breathtaking", I suddenly have an urge to commit a crime that will make the New York Times -- I am going to cross the street in a transcendently breathtaking jaywalk! -> "When you start talking about evil, psychiatrists don't know -> anything more about it than anyone else," Dr. Simon said. -> "Our opinions might carry more weight, under the patina or -> authority of the profession, but the point is, you can call -> someone evil and so can I. So what? What does it add?" Evil is blah blah blah blah patina blah blah blah blah bad. I wish I could be a psychiatrist so I could have a patina! All I have is an odor! -> Dr. Stone argues that one possible benefit of including a -> consideration of evil may be a more clear-eyed appreciation -> of who should be removed from society and not allowed back. -> He is not an advocate of the death penalty, he said. And his -> interest in evil began long before President Bush began using -> the word to describe terrorists or hostile regimes. YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT GEORGE BUSH MADE UP THE WORD "EVIL" ALL BY HIMSELF UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> [...] -> -> Researchers have found that some people who commit violent -> crimes are much more likely than others to kill or maim -> again, and one way they measure this potential is with a -> structured examination called the psychopathy checklist. I hope they remembered to print at the bottom, "NOT TO BE USED AS A 'TO-DO LIST'". -> As part of an extensive, in-depth interview, a trained -> examiner rates the offender on a 20-item personality test. -> The items include glibness and superficial charm, grandiose -> self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and -> emotional vacuity. Hey! I'm not prone to boredom! Also, you forgot "incredibly handsome". -> [...] -> -> Dr. Angela Hegarty, director of psychiatry at Creedmoor who -> works with Dr. Stone, said she was skeptical of using the -> concept of evil but realized that in her work she found -> herself thinking and talking about it all the time. In 11 -> years as a forensic examiner, in this country and in Europe, -> she said, she counts four violent criminals who were so -> vicious, sadistic and selfish that no other word could -> describe them. Except "vicious". Or "sadistic". Or "selfish". -> One was a man who gruesomely murdered his own wife and young -> children and who showed more annoyance than remorse, more -> self-pity than concern for anyone else affected by the -> murders. On one occasion when Dr. Hegarty saw him, he was -> extremely upset -- beside himself -- because a staff attendant -> at the facility where he lived was late in arriving with a -> video, delaying the start of the movie. The man became -> abusive, she said: he insisted on punctuality. "Take your choice: punctuality or punch-you-ality." -> Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company Eh, what level of the International Scale Of All Evil Ever is it when someone quotes the New York Times without express written consent? -- K. Now let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:43:44 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > As a public service, I will now reveal the only difference in these two > posts aside from the added first paragraph of the second: > > On the 163 line of body text in the original article, M. Kibeau changed > "could" to "couldn't" resulting in this beauty of a wisecrack: > > > Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats > > and librarians couldn't get violent, who would you think could? > > KIBO: MYSTERIOUS AND HARD TO PARSE SINCE BEFORE 1991! A-hem. Look again. You're in the Backwards Zone, ozob. I changed "couldn't" to "could" to correct a mistake in the Boolean logic of that sentence which somehow got past my syntax checker and blew out several circuit breakers across the Internet, plus three TiVos locked up and one microwave oven started flashing "13:00". You just made The List, buddy. The List Of People Who Do Stuff Backwards. THE WALL WILL BE THE LAST AGAINST YOU WHEN THE BIZARRO REVOLUTION COMES!!! -- K. Watch out for Bizarro Ronald McDonald. He tells you to go to Bizarro Burger King. Where all the food is yummy. Except the restraurant is always closed. And you have to pay them in hamburgers so you can eat money. And the money is zero- dollar bills with pictures of Hitler. And Hitler's a nice guy. But Bizarro Ronald McDonald is still just as evil as Regular Ronald McDonald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WARNING: Kingdom of Loathing Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 01:21:31 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Umbrella drinks now give 4 drunkeness instead of 3. > > -PapaSloth I'll stick to bottled spring water, thank you very much -- it's more manly. Drinks with umbrellas or curly straws or Legos in them are sissier than a Shirley Temple on a lace doily in the back seat of a pink Cadillac with Charles Nelson Reilly. Know what's a real manly drink? A Bloody Mary without the wimpy tomato juice. I like them without the vodka either. It must suck to be an umbrella. You have to sit there with your feet touching an ice cube -- Brr! -- and you spend all your time wondering why nobody ever puts umbrellas in soft, warm chocolate birthday cakes. Mmm, I'd like to stick my feet into a birthday cake right now. Know what I suddenly have a craving for? Orange juice. I'll have a non-alc screwdriver. And it better not be that goopy thick orange juice concentrate that's all fiber like they have over on Boylston Street. -- K. All I have here is powdered lemonade. Bleah. It's the all-synthetic-chemical drink that tastes even more like chemicals than an all-synthetic- chemical drink could. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: The Science of Science Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:13:11 -0500 In sci.physics, "Albert Wagner" (albertwagnerr@webtv.net) wrote: > > Hi I'm Albert Wagner a fucking worthless pice of shit . Call > dogfart send > sex free send > albertwagnercox.net > open =B6=B6=83=85=DF=86 > REJECT=86=86=E5=F8=F0 > Albert Wagner > amitures > send free > 189 send > Open > =84=AE=F8=86=F0=AA > REJECT > AAA > BBB > Stick ablerwagner@cox.net in evry hole. > conect these =8E=BA=9C=BE=F0=86 > free pages send > FREE PAGES CONNECT. > Send free > Enlarge albertwagnercox.net > Send sample > 507 Hey Lowercase TJ Frazir, Remember that scene in the "Star Trek" episode "Mirror, Mirror" where Spock explained that it was easier for Good Kirk to pretend to be Evil Kirk than it would be for a totally batshit insane chimpanzoid with a WebTV to pretend to be a person? Still, it's fascinating to see a schmo like you failing to even pretend to be a spammer pretending to be some random person you don't like. Sort of like a little window into your brain. We can peek in and see the words "dogfart" and "=B6=B6=83=85=DF=86" and "REJECT" blinking on and off. Oh, wait, "REJECT" isn't blinking, it's a tattoo on the outside of your head. I'd have to say this was the most entertaining of the hundred articles you posted today, even if you forgot to forget to type the way you do. How's life on your little imaginary WebTV-powered cruise ship? -- K. I think something might be wrong with Lowercase TJ. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: washington sigma gama Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:52:33 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > washington sigma gama .. > enjoy the 100 italian pitza pies. > Ill park another beer truck friday . > Ya mms i you boys want to rip the paper of a stack of 20 s ,, how > much is in a stack of 20s they ask. > Well maybe you boys could do something for me ,,and ill send one over > and you can count it after you get the paper off. > wisper wisper wisper.. > sounds like a heap of fun. > The ten condemnets. Ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, mayo, mint chutney, curry sauce, hot sauce, hoisin sauce, onion relish, and honey. I WIN!!! > 1 ,,make shure he smells good in class > 2 ,, make shure he drops things around with his name on it. > 3, we cant tell you this one its against the law > 4 cant tell you this one its a suprise. > 5 mm this one I can tell you might make you faimouse. > 6 ,,well this one shold not happen to a corps. > 8, pick em up at 8 > 9 ,, I wish I thought of this one the gama boys threw it in. > 10 is just fucking insane . You're 10? That's odd, I thought you were a teenager. -- K. So your imaginary boat's turned into an imaginary beer truck, eh? Nice upgrade. Wake me when it becomes a _real_ tricycle or better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 18:25:58 -0500 I found a followup report. It was accompanied by a picture of his collection of rubber toys, but it's nothing you haven't seen during the "Uncle Ernie" number in "Tommy". [www.chron.com] -> -> Feb. 10, 2005, 11:21AM -> -> Widow denies role in alcohol enema -> -> She says her husband gave himself the lethal dose of sherry -> By Richard Stewart -> Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle -> -> Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not -> only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to -> enemas since he was a child. -> -> "There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no -> way," Warner said during an interview at her attorney's office. Why? Does she not know which hole they go in? -> A Brazoria County grand jury indicted her on a charge of -> negligent homicide. Prosecutors claim she provided alcohol -> for Warner even though she knew he'd been warned that alcohol -> could kill him. -> -> She is free on $30,000 bond. -> -> An autopsy report said his blood-alcohol level was 0.47 -> percent, almost six times the legal intoxication limit for -> operating a motor vehicle. -> -> "It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His -> mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started -> to depend on them all the time." _All_ the time? I'd hate to see him performing in a musical dance revue or something if he was having all-day enemas. -> She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and -> corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. "Enema School" was the worst "Revenge Of The Nerds" knockoff to star that Hannibal Lecter guy. -> Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said. -> -> "He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she -> said. "He had enema recipes." I like hot sauce in my recipes. This is because I don't like my recipes in my ass! -> She said he liked to use wine or sherry in enemas because -> that would allow his body to absorb alcohol faster than -> drinking it. Sherry and wine were easier on his digestive -> system than other forms of alcohol, she said. -> -> "He would drink, too, but his favorite was enemas," she said. -> -> Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting -> alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink -> as well. -> -> "My husband could drink very well with any problem he had," -> she said. Okay, he's called dibs on that sentence. Now nobody else can have it on their tombstone. It's all his. _____________________ / \ / Here lies \ / A DUMB FUCK \ / \ | who put death up his ass | | | | "I could drink very well | | with any problem I had." | | | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -> [...] -> -> "My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the -> world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my -> husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 -> percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went -> out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because -> he loved his enemas." Any four-sided love triangle where a guy is in love with God, a woman, and massive enemas is bound to end up tragic, or the subject of one of those movies in the "People Dressed As Priests" section of a German porno store. I'm just sayin'. -- K. Is this the real reason Krispy Kreme sells the doughnut-flavored milkshake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: product placements in the news Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 19:12:37 -0500 An entry from the police blotter. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> East Boston -> -> The Border Street apartment of a gay hair stylist has never been -> cleaner, much to his misery. His crazy ex-boyfriend allegedly -> broke in Tuesday and poured Tide with Bleach on everything from -> plants to bedding. Then, he stole two hair dryers. I think the Boston Herald has sunk to a new low now that they're putting product placements for Tide With Bleach into their stories about gay stereotypes and their hysterical hissy fits. Everyone knows than an over-the-top gay stereotype would use _imported_ detergent! Still, at least the ex-boyfriend only stole two hair dryers. The guy must have at least five left. Because gay guys have day-of-the-week hair dryers. Also hour-of-the-day mustache trimmers. -- K. "Why'd you soak my bed in Tide?" "'Cause it was too heavy to move out-tide, you thilly goothe!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News in a blender: The latest batch of fragments Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 23:19:35 -0500 Continuing in the tradition of using the Google Alerts service to find news clippings containing certain words in hopes that the excerpts will seem wacky when taken out of context, here's the latest batch. [www.brandonsun.com] -> -> The United States Department of Agriculture operates like a -> "three-legged cat trying to bury its turd on a frozen pond," -> according to one visiting American livestock economist. [www.kansascity.com] => => At restaurants, she requires they eat vegetables. "And fried => okra doesn't count." [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> Chalmers Johnson, in a caustic e-mail, asserts that the U.S. -> ambassador at the time "couldn't give a cold dog turd whether or -> not you, your wife and children get a bath at an onsen [Japanese -> bathhouse]." [www.khou.com headline] => => Houston mother: taser turned son into three-year old [www.zwire.com] -> -> Of course, Secretary of State Cathy Cox could have spoken to -> this crowd about the aesthetic qualities of goat and okra and -> gotten a respectable response--she owns this audience. [www.thestar.com] => => "A lot of it is whimsical; people don't usually wear jewellery => that has gumbo, but I do a gumbo necklace that's pearls, crabs, => shrimp and okra. [...]" [www.kansascity.com] -> -> In Kansas City, we find many of our foods in the Vietnamese -> store. They cook okra like us. [50connect.co.uk] => => We are fast becoming a nation which knows its okra from their => avocado. [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> She's chosen a warm yellow shade called "okra" for the walls. [www.zwire.com] => => Before you get too big-headed here, remember we eat sweetbreads, => blood sausage and liver. And okra. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Waltman said the kenaf plant has seven leaves at the top and -> okra-looking leaves at the bottom. He said marijuana only has -> five leaves. [www.pitchforkmedia.com] => => My 14-year-old self now owes me a wedgie, but I spent last => winter nestled with this Sacramento, California duo's downy => cuddlecore. [www.themercury.news.com.au] -> -> "There's nothing like seeing a wedgie drop from the sky, -> spiralling down to land on the top of the aviary netting. [...]" [www.oregonlive.com] => => With all that pre-match fidgeting, jumping around and shadow => wrestling, I'd say the warm-up move to wedgie ratio for the => average high school wrestler is 1:1. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> Permanent water wedgie. [www.sfgate.com -- spelling error is theirs] => => A rather large lady stood up a pew ahead, to sing a hymn. My => view was limited to her massive wedgie -- which my 5-year-old => mind thought best to correct. Impulsively, I reached up to do => so, and she hit a high note that turned heads. That good dead => did not go unpunished. [desmoinesregister.com] -> -> He may have been an entertainment legend, but Carson always will -> be remembered by the people of tiny Cooper as their 51st -> citizen. -> -> He won the designation during the unincorporated town's -> centennial celebration in 1981. Others vying for the honor -> included game-show host Bob Barker, Henry "Fonzie" Winkler and -> Princess Grace of Monaco. [www.pitch.com on the Kansas City rap music scene] => => But the Fonz would be the first to tell you that Rome wasn't => built in an aaaayyyyyyyy. It takes years, tears and a => willingness to disembowel your enemies with a rusty spatula => before an aspiring Julius can assume his throne. And even then, => it's only a matter of time before Brutus sticks a shiv through => your toga. => => Kansas City hip-hop isn't exactly Greek drama. [npr.streamsage.com automatic transcription of an NPR broadcast] -> -> The where she often to date for the team that plays and if the -> and when they get them feel to receive the spatula. [louisville.rivals.com] => => And those games were just a few years removed from former => Marquette coach Mike Deane pulling a "fonzie-esque" slide across => the Freedom Hall court with an "up yours" hand motion in obvious => defiance to the Cardinals' student section, who subsequently => pelted the crazed coach with beer and whatever else was in their => pockets. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> McCombs downplayed Moss' X-rated response to his $10,000 fine. -> The Vikings' owner said it's just a case of Randy being Pee-wee -> Herman. [www.al.com] => => "One reporter wanted all of the [Super Bowl] players to take off => their shirts," he says. "He was a little skinny guy, looked like => Pee-wee Herman. [...]" [www.thread.co.nz] -> -> In other words, if when you get on the dance floor you look like -> Pee-Wee Herman, you might want to take a pass. [www.mainecampus.com] => => I find it ironic that businesses complain about lost profits due => to theft, while wanting to blow more cash trying to catch => thieves than Pee Wee Herman spends on afternoon matinees. [www.calendarlive.com] -> -> One critic snipped that she looked "as authentically African as -> Pee-wee Herman with a spear." [www.spokesmanreview.com] => => Thumbing through my notes, I see entries like: "Haven't heard a => voice like that since Pee Wee Herman" and "Send this band to Iraq." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> Granted, Iraq by itself is as threatening as Pee Wee Herman -> wielding a banana. (Now, if he were wielding elderberries...he's -> still be Pee Wee Herman.) [www.mndaily.com] => => "When I was young and my dad's drug store was around the corner => from here, this building we're in today was a porn store so => scuzzy, it would make Pee-wee Herman cringe," [www.sports-central.org] -> -> Before the coverage rule change, Patriots' defensive backs were -> often guilty of more illegal contact than Pee Wee Herman and -> George Michael locked together in an adult theater, or a public -> restroom. [www.tampatrib.com] => => And at the heart of all the racist, anti-Semitic bluster and => faux bravado was Eidson, the Pee-wee Herman of Wannsee. [www.latimes.com] -> -> With his flamboyant sobriquet and penchant for photo-op poses -> that seem a cross between Billy Dee Williams and Pee Wee Herman, -> it remains unclear if Bentley is an authentic social reformer or -> simply a dapper charlatan destined to 15 minutes of -> chauffeur-driven fame. [msnbc.msn.com] => => The result? An army of ideas and two warehouses in Golden Valley => that would make Pee Wee Herman and Willy Wonka green with envy. [daily.standord.edu] -> -> Why are more emotions attached to one bodily orifice than -> another? [www.bgnews.com] => => You will be the chosen few, and therefore won't end up with a => frozen acorn lodged in a random orifice. [www.southcoasttoday.com] -> -> "I saw the smoke come out, called 911 and got out," Mr. Orifice -> said. [www.cornellsun.com] => => Questions seem to be of two varieties: "Is it true you can get => pregnant from drinking (insert name of popular soft drink => here)?" and "My husband likes to coat his (body part) in (type => of gasoline) and then place it in (orifice that does not exist). => How can I make him stop?" That would be entertaining enough, but => the entire show is just an old woman sitting at a desk taking => notes. [scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com] -> -> I often think that if one encountered comedy club staff as an -> entity on the Astral Plane it would take the form of a giant -> drug-encrusted orifice - that didn't laugh at your jokes. [www.thestarpress.com] => => Visitors can participate in all-day activities featuring fairy => tales such as making Robin Hood Hats or playing the fairy tale => match game. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> It is important that she doesn't handle your penis like a dirty -> dish rag between her finger and thumb. [www.thestar.com] => => Sound confusing? It looks like a giant barrel-shaped lighted => marshmallow. Made of Polyethylene, it can be used to bring light => to a dark corner, as a side table, and you can also sit on it. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> Otherwise, the toilet seat slides around when you sit on it like -> one of those snow ski training machines. That's not good even -> for type C's. [www.post-gazette.com] => => Tempalski said he saw Gumbert "attempt to hide a bong by trying => to sit on it," not realizing the trooper was watching. [www.sportinglife.com] -> -> "I then had to give evidence in the inquiry which followed. I -> did not sit on it as such. I'm afraid I cannot give any more -> details about what actually happened in the weighing-room. -> [...]" [www.dailyvanguard.com] => => I don't care who you are, who you're laying or how. Mormons to => bears, porn stars to dominatrix, we all look like jerks. [www.philly.com] -> -> One opera singer was seen on a Web site in a computer-doctored -> picture of her as a dominatrix. [www.dailybreeze.com] => => The good feelings weren't to last. It didn't take more than two => minutes of sitting in The Chair to realize that another two => minutes would put us in traction. The floor model, which had => seemed so comfortable in the store, had been replaced by an => impostor, one whose springs were unyielding and cruel, as if => there were a dominatrix trapped inside who had become involved => with the wrong kind of leather. [www.dailyiowan.com] -> -> [...] whiny parents, moral crusaders, and the domination of -> marketing demographics has leashed and gagged Hollywood like the -> Gimp from Pulp Fiction [...] [www.concordmonitor.com] => => The Egg-Cellent's sign, which shows a smiling egg holding an => oven mitt and spatula, sat on the ground, upright and free of => soot. [news.newkerala.com] -> -> The late Indian prime minister Morarji Desai, who lived well -> into his 90s, was among the strongest proponents of almonds. "I -> can survive on almonds. They are one of the two secrets of my -> strong health. You know the other one - self-urine therapy. -> [...]" [news.independent.co.uk] => => [...] all the water at my house and studio is triple-filtered => and goes through a reverse-osmosis process before passing => through a pipe which is wrapped in a copper spiral which itself => contains imploded water. I am also really into urine therapy, => drinking urine and applying it to any skin irritation. And => although I fall in and out of practice, seminal retention is => good for restoring energy and making me strong. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> It is poofy and has rounded edges, like a cartoon couch. It sags -> here and there and its springs have grown mushy. When you sit on -> it, you sink a little deeper into its folds than you would -> expect on your way down. Kind of like sitting on a stack of -> rubber beach rafts that have been outside for a while. -> -> [...] -> -> That couch started off roughly the color of undigested baby food -> and ended up exactly the color of undigested baby food. [www.plebius.org] => => So one lives with the Leatherman, one in the car glove box, the => old one still in the tool box. [www.ama-assn.org] -> -> Discoveries at the James Fort site include a spatula mundani, an -> instrument that treated severe constipation with a spoon end -> used to withdraw hard excrement. [www.cleveland.com] => => Defining values can be like trying to drink soup with a spatula. => It's even harder in relation to gambling [...] [www.projo.com] -> -> Tiffany silver spatula, Chrysanthemum pattern, square, inscribed -> "Psychology," 9 inches, $1,035. [www.nysun.com] => => Wearing turtleneck, sleeveless leotards in a sil very color, the => women look severe and intense. [www.cleveland.com] -> -> That's why Paul McCartney -- SIR Paul McCartney -- is headlining -> a half time show certain to play things sil ly-love-song safe. -> That's why com mercials are being scrutinized by the network's -> standards and prac tices officials, who already have thrown a -> flag or two. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] => => Now they are pestering my much-younger SIL and her fiance to => have children. => => [...] => => Turn just about any corner, and you'll find one of two things: => an opportunity to take offense, or a weirdo. [www.thestar.com] -> -> What fakes do people notice? Counterfeit money. And unlike a -> pre-fabbed pop star, fake money will totally screw you. [www.eastvalleytribune.com] => => The bustline of Halle Berry's nougat-colored confection was a => testament to careful wrapping or double-stick tape (or perhaps => both). [www.miami.com] -> -> Flip back to 1889, when Benjamin Harrison served -- among other -> delicacies -- Blue Point oysters on ice, sweetbread pte la -> reine, breast of quail la Ciceron, pte de foie gras a la -> Harrison, terrine of game a la Morton and pyramid of nougat -> Renaissance. [www.zwire.com] => => The old photo Bell spoke of profiled distinguished science => teacher, Reginald Edmonds, with beard and long hair, fashionable => for an era considered by today's teens to be ancient history. Guaranteed, that wasn't the only nougat. [www.wisinfo.com] -> -> A little bathroom humor goes with the territory at Potsie's, -> home to what may be the Midwest's largest urinal. -> -> [...] -> -> Weber is planning to find a way to use the urinal as a -> promotional tool, he said. [icthewharf.icnetwork.co.uk] => => For an actor who is used to fending off frog-like Urbankans and => zapping human androids and Daleks, taking his ID out of his => pocket seemed such a trial. [barometer.orst.edu] -> -> Nay to Michael Moore for always choosing such somber topics for -> his riveting films. Our idea for his next blockbuster? "Nougat: -> What the candy lobby won't tell you." [www.hollandsentinel.com] => => However, are we forgetting, as time passes, that friends and => family before us worked hard on our behalf to secure future => cemetery property on Felch Street? [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Winnie the Pooh isn't a pedophile because he wears no -> underpants. [www.gateway.ualberta.ca] => => Your only reprieve from the blasting bass line is the => interruptions by the sadistic--and hideously brawny--onstage DJ. => You might recognize him from such lines as, "Why the fuck aren't => you dancing?" Or, the ever-popular, "Would all the ugly people => in the crowd shut the fuck up?" Then why on earth are you still => yelling? [www.laweekly.com] -> -> Outside the annual note, Cornwallow was a relentless and -> unmitigated fuck, a kidney stone lodged in mankind's urethra. [www.blacktable.com] => => Give that gullible dumbass John Q. Public back his $50 million => or shut the fuck up and entertain us. Guilt is for sissies. [www.sfbg.com] -> -> The sound shifts to two minutes of gut-rumbling bass tones and -> devolves into what I blearily write in my notes as "fart drags -> fog horn." [www.weeklydig.com] => => Saying "If you gotta fart, change position" is kind of like => saying "If you gotta make meth, do it at someone else's house." => It shouldn't take saying. [news.independent.co.uk] -> -> Poor Robinson, 77, might just know that trumping is playground -> slang for farting; as for "creamy muck-muck" - custard pies and -> buckets of gunge - he would be nonplussed. [www.chronwatch.com] => => Come to think of it, I'd like to be able to see my legs again. => It is quite disconcerting to continually fart just because I => bend over to pick something up. [www.arbiteronline.com -- mystery question mark is theirs] -> -> At nineteen, I finally managed to procure a girlfriend. She was -> homely, sure, but nice. It lasted a week and a half until she -> was on my lap watching a movie, and it happened. Deep within her -> bowels brewed a mighty stink. When it managed to wriggle free, -> I?m sure it nearly tore a hole in her pants. As I was sitting -> beneath her at the time, I took the brunt of the force. In my -> brain, the only sensation I could register was something like a -> bone breaking: I knew what had happened, but I was unprepared -> for the aftermath. She had farted on me. By the time I decided -> to enroll at Tallahassee Community College, I had all but given -> up on women. I had been tripped, stood-up, beat-up and farted on. [music.ign.com] => => In 1999 the two super producers, both of whom are more or less => highly creative electronic geeks, joined together under a Chris => Elliot fueled brain fart and concocted The Handsome Boy Modeling => School, a loose concept "group" with Dan and Paul residing at => the burbling nucleus and a smattering of their similarly tweaked => (at least in terms of artistic creativity) musical compadres => scattered throughout the surrounding sonic plasma. [www.columbian.com] -> -> "When you get a bunch of fourth-graders in a room saying the -> word 'fart,' things get crazy," said Cara Wolf-Feather, lead -> educator of the featured exhibit hall. [www.latimes.com] => => When I have a hamburger, I want a nice, thick hamburger, not => some skinny White Castle patty that looks like a Post-It note. [www.kentucky.com] -> -> Tell your sweetheart you have reservations for dinner -> in-Cincinnati. When you pull into the White Castle parking lot, -> she'll definitely be surprised. [www.newsrecord.org] => => And by cultured I mean cheap and by sophisticated I mean => stomach-destroying, because I am talking about White Castle. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Now, for the 100th time, I don't write the clues. I don't know -> who writes the clues. I remain at odds with the clue writer, -> though. To me the clues were once analogous to oil paintings -> that you could actually understand, trees and park benches and -> stone bridges and the like and today they have become the modern -> art equivalent of clocks popping out of eyeballs. -> -> The first clue refers to the old curmudgeon in high dudgeon as a -> result of a critter running off with the loot. While I have been -> pointed in my remarks from the cheap seats I don't recall that -> the medallion was ever taken or moved by an animal or ever -> accusing the clue writer of a double cross as a result of such a -> disturbance. That first clue might refer to the habit over the -> years of placing the medallion in an object, diaper or White -> Castle box, for example, that could be transported by a critter. [www.ediets.com] => => I think it's akin to prostitution. It's the oldest profession in => the world. There will always be a market for it (just as there => will always be someone who actually WANTS to eat White Castle => "sliders"). [www.gamespy.com] -> -> Would you like some White Castle? I microwaved these miniature -> burgers just before you arrived. I find that the smaller the -> food, the more sophisticated it is. [www.theadvocate.com] => => [...] Shintech announced that its new $1 billion chemical => manufacturing plant would be built between Plaquemine and White => Castle [...] [www.metrowestdailynews.com] -> -> Don't you observe how your dogs and cats inhale, with deep -> interest and pleasure, every organic fluid they can find? From -> any orifice they can reach? [wcco.com] => => It takes more than a snowstorm to cancel a lutefisk feed in => Litchfield, Minn. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> "It's like lutefisk: Either you like them or you don't," Thomas -> said. "But they smell wonderful." [www.thestandard.com] => => Mercifully, there is no lutefisk, which, according to the Sons => of Norway, is either viciously defended or regarded as a => national disgrace. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> Come to find out the next Christmas, though, the shadowy Swedes -> who contacted me weren't talking about filthy lucre, but -> lime-soaked filmy lutefisk, a barrel of which they shipped up -> the St. Lawrence Catholic Seaway and delivered to my door sight -> unseen. [www.drownedinsound.com] => => Hopefully, though, you can tell the chalk from the cheese; who's => got clout and who's nothing more than a turd that just can't be => polished. [www.oregonlive.com] -> -> She doesn't bite. She's well-trained. She works cheap, a lot -> cheaper than the human groundskeepers who are back to using -> leaf-blowers to clean goose poop off RedTail's greens. -> -> They call it "herding turds." [www.easternecho.com] => => Looking more like Larry Bird than Jason Turd, as the student => section dubbed him, [...] [www.riberfronttimes.com] -> -> If forced to deliver a half-hour monologue on petrified cat -> turds, [Jack] Perkins could inject a fair amount of gravitas -> into the turds [...] [www.calgarysun.com] => => The bad news: As this turgid turd of chugging, vaguely retro => God-rock makes blindingly obvious, they still suck plenty. [www.nypress.com] -> -> At this point in his career, the only way Samuel L. Jackson can -> show that he is especially angry is to have his head explode, a -> geyser of waste matter sprout from his neck, and each flying -> turd tagged with a graffiti-sprayed expletive. [www.projo.com] => => Maybe all the little nuthatches have Stockholm Syndrome, where => the victims end up empathizing with their kidnappers. [www.dirtragmag.com] -> -> After searching far and wide for a worthy brain fart topic, I -> could only come up with kernels of rants and praise. [www.thetriangle.org] => => Coming home with the gold medal, however, is "If My Vagina Could => Talk (It Would Call Your Dick an Asshole)." I'm not really sure => what's going on in the song, but the title was enough to make me => ruin a pair of trousers as my body tried to shoot laughter out => of every orifice. [news.inq7.net] -> -> And as if putting a cherry-shaped turd on a mountain of crap -> during a shitstorm wasn't enough, Harry's little debacle segued -> two weeks before the 60th anniversary of the liberation of -> Auschwitz. [www.theoaklandpress.com] => => In addition, I wouldn't eat at any of the concessions at Cobo => either, and I'm a guy who actually likes Kmart subs and can => stare down a White Castle slider without blinking. [www.dailysouthtown.com] -> -> The field gets mushy after rains, and there's a large rock in -> the center that coaches put an orange cone over. [www.journalstar.com] => => Ken Svoboda received a miniature orange traffic cone because => Abbott once had to call him because Svoboda's lawn service => "didn't have all the traffic control desired." [news.enquirer.com] -> -> "We were like orange cones out there against Florida State," -> Prosser said. [www.thestate.com] => => MacRae thinks those orange cones will go great with the green => beer. [www.suntimes.com] -> -> The Department of Electricity -- who knew? -- stopped by, set -> out an orange cone, and left, the cover still open. [www.thenewsguard.com] => => Watch the orange cones and where they guide you. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> "It's awful hard to do (contests) when holding orange cones." [www.qctimes.com] => => It has a bright, golden-orange cone and honeysuckle-like => fragrance -- perhaps the strongest yet of any coneflower => introduced. [www.insidebayarea.com] -> -> I guess the reason the county didn't at least stick an orange -> cone in them to warn a driver is that, in that one spot, the -> cones would have just about blocked one lane of traffic. [www.komotv.com] => => "Everyone gets some kind of release from hitting things, and => this is a more positive way of getting your aggression out," => says David Levine with the Percussion Marketing Council. [www.pwinsider.com] -> -> The message that I wanted from that was to show kids what it's -> like to be on drugs. I was under the understanding that it was -> going to be used as a positive thing. But he really broke it off -> in my ass and I was the only guy not to get paid from it! I'll -> let God deal with him! [www.cleveland.com] => => The mildly psychedelic setting of this children's TV series => (1971-1973) feels groovy, but the crummy writing and Charles => Nelson Reilly's hammy acting are a buzz kill. [www.azcentral.com headline] -> -> Persistent diarrhea may signal disease [www.latimes.com] => => A year ago I tried talking my way out of the Super Bowl and => avoiding the week of numbing pregame hype to stay here, and work => as a ball boy for the LA Temptation during the Lingerie Bowl. => => I don't know how we can expect to get an NFL team if we don't => support the football teams we already have here. [www.marketwire.com] -> -> The 2005 Lingerie Bowl site is fully search engine optimized, -> utilizing a fully optimized storefront backend and proper search -> engine robot friendly navigation structure. The Internet -> marketing implemented by Web Publicitee allows for proper search -> engine crawling and organization of content for better -> positioning in search engine result pages (SERPS) and more -> visitors locating the site when searching on the major search -> engine portals. [www.fredericsburg.com] => => When's the last time you cried? => => I saw "Baby Geniuses 2," and I cried from my laughter, and Scott => Bayou. => => What's the worst movie ever? => => "Playmate of the Apes"enough said. [sfgate.com] -> -> The result will be groin pulls by the dozen. [www.nashuatelegraph.com] => => I only eked out passing grades in high-school math class by => becoming the queen of extra credit. No one made a meaner => dodecahedron snowman. [www.swans.com] -> -> From Falwellians to Stalinists, the sense of repression and -> sadism is the same. [www2.townonline.com] => => Wonderful opportunity for those seeking fulfillment in the areas => of public service, philanthropy, and sadomasochism. [www.theunionleader.com] -> -> He wasn't the only Steelers fan we saw this week. I guess you -> really have to like football to come this far to watch one team -> that beat your team and another that's your rival. It seems a -> little sadomasochistic to me. -> -> The dominant shirt all week was the green and white of the -> Eagles. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => He was persecuted in childhood and now is dismissed by his boss => Holger (Ole Thestrup as the model of the classic overweight => sadist) [...] [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "[...] think I'm only sure of one thing - nobody knows -> themselves. The nice person on the street ... in a different -> situation could be the worst sadist." [www.startribune.com] => => For every movie that showed Soviets as eeeevil sadists, there => were ten that had the main Soviet guy as a genial bear, [...] [www.citypages.com] -> -> You do prefer your sadists to work ingeniously, right? [www.wacotrib.com] => => The original of your story was marked up, cut up and pasted back => together by homicidal sadists before it was passed to the copy => desk where heartless trolls additionally brutalized once-lyrical => prose before shoving the rolled-up remains into a tube that was => crammed into a pneumatic pipe and whooshed into the clanging, => clunking, clattering backshop where eye-shadowed Linotype => operators pounded out thousands of lead slugs with little chunks => of your news story in reversed type. [www.fortwayne.com] -> -> Wow. Now we're aching for the day when video historians -> transcribe every minute of every television show ever, so that -> no Richard Dawson zinger from "Match Game '73" and no 139-word, -> anguished question posed by Phil Donahue to a guest will ever be -> out of reach. [www.spaceref.com] => => [...] a mapping swath from the volcano to Nairobi would be useful => for assessment of eruptive hazards associated with Kibo, [...] And now you know the rest of the story. -- K. Did anyone read this all the way to the end?