From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:09:38 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, I finally got my hair just the style of orange I wanted. > > Did you use Electric Lava Manic Panic? Remember how, in 1991, when alt.religion.kibology started, I said that someday there would be a test? Well, I didn't actually say it, I just thought it, but it still counts, because under the Berne Convention something is copyrighted the moment you think it and therefore it has the force of law behind it. So I don't think I need to mention yet again that Electica Lava and Electric Banana are my two favorite Manic Panic colors. My current shade is a 50% mixture of the two because I wanted to do a light orange to match my new bandanna cap. > I ask because I finally got my ass to a beauty supply store last night > and got to see Manic Panic up close. Electric Lava was sold out, Always is, because I go from store to store cleaning them out. > but the hair sample left on the shelf showed that it has a multitonal > effect, and it knocked my socks off. The fluorescent orange fades pretty fast, which is why you get that nice streaky effect. > I still covet the blues but I don't think my new job would let me go that > far with my hair. Maybe maroon. Vampire Red will give you a burgundy. Pillarbox Red is a bright red but you could mix a tiny amount of Raven (black) in with it to darken it. > > And the best part is that I got the orange bright enough that > > it matches the flames on my leather tieback bandanna cap. > > The best part of my hair is that the dark ash blonde matches my shoes! > Sigh. Boring sucks. So I was outside the bar hanging out with the smokers, while I was dressed in my leathers with the flamin' pirate cap, and this big-haired little wound-up lady posed herself on the edge of the curb and went into this long rant about how she wanted us to accept Jeeeezus into our lives because she loved us and didn't want our immortal souls to go to Hell. I appreciated her concern for the wellbeing of imaginary parts of our bodies in her cosmology, but she didn't seem to have any inclination to go away after the crowd had been completely ignoring her for a long while. Clearly a zinger was called for. I started running through hecklisms in my mind. Possibilities I rejected included "Less yappin', more slappin'!" and "You want us to listen to you, you gotta get better shoes, girlfriend!" Eventually I settled on just fixing my gaze on her momentarily while making the simple declarative statement, "WORST. DOMINATRIX. EVER!" She left. So, anyway, Stacia, it's not whether the color of your hair matches your shoes, it's whether your hair is taller than your heels. -- K. It's known as the Shatner rule. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:11:05 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] then I dyed it bright orange with a mix of fluorescent > > orange dye and fluorescent yellow dye, so that the color is in > > layers -- orange over gold over black, which results in a really > > boss flame-colored mottling. > > My dear Kibo, > I understand completely that you don't want to be photographed > and that you probably can't on account of the camera lens > would show only a huge grilled cheese sandwich with your image > on it but here in my black and white world of limited imagination, > the inability to see properly see these colors is driving me crazy. Then get your butt over to Hair Chemical Warehouse or wherever you buy whatever sorts of acids and bases you make fight little wars across your scalp and follow my recipe. Don't expect to be rewarded by knowing what color my hair is if you're too lazy to do a simple chemistry experiment involving noxious reagents and your face. Oh, and you'll need to grow a beard first. > (And I won't go crazy quietly and all by myself I'll take everyone > with me,just so you know.) I already did that. And please step to the back of the bus and make room for people carrying the large boxes of candy people are supposed to bring but forget to take home when the ride my bus. > Let it be on your head! Sorry, there are already several other things on my head. I think one of them's tritium. > I cannot visualize these colors properly as they should > be viewed [...] Do not view Kibo directly. Exposure to Kibo may cause blindness, impotence, insanity, death, implosive diarrhea, purple jaundice, or the Cymbeline blood-burn. Do not take Kibo internally, seriously, or to any museum which has "DO NOT LICK" signs on every painting. No refunds, no givebacks, no tickee, no shirtee, no cheese. Do not turn the page until instructed to do so. -- K. I can't wait until I'm old enough to buy a toupee so I can make my hair look really weird. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:12:12 -0500 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Or at any rate there was an "Adult Store" that was giving away free > fireworks with porn around Cracker Night last year. Or maybe it was > free porn with fireworks. One of those. If there was ever a need for a "NOT FOR INTERNAL USE" sign for morons, that was the day. I've never been to a Cracker Night party. Do they put out dips, or just three boxes of crackers? And isn't the $15 cover charge a rip-off? -- K. "WARNING: PORN MAY NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:13:21 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I don't know why people suddenly become interested in a disease > > only when a relative has it, while they could not care less about other > > diseases. It's selfish. > > Because there are so many diseases out there, that if we stopped and > took time to care about every single one of them, even on an annual > basis, our heads would implode. There are enough kinds of cancer > to fill up at least a few months of that. Are you crazy? There are only three kinds of cancer: cancer in the top half of the body, cancer in the bottom half of the body, and cancer of the dividing line. And one of those isn't worth caring about, so there are really only two. Or one, if you only care about the half that eats. > When was the last time you raised funds for Hermansky-Pudlak Syndrome? > Yes, it's a real disease; I've met people who have it. I'd be > surprised if you knew about it. And, even if you knew about it, I > wouldn't blame you for putting some other disease ahead of it on > your priorities list, especially if a relative of yours had that > disease. Did Hermansky marry Pudlak just because they had the same disease in order to get a quantity discount on whatever weird type of between-the-toes disposable syringe Hermansky-Pudlakians have to use in order to keep from exploding? > It's not up to each individual to take on every problem in the planet. > We pick the ones most significant to our lives. With luck, there's > enough people surrounding each problem that they all get addressed. My problem is that I'm surrounded by idiots! -- K. I'm completely surrounded! They've outwitted me again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:14:44 -0500 [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > we could be a kibological sit-com, where, instead of people > misinterpretting what they accidentally hear, they deliberatly > misinterpret everything they're told. also, YOUR IDEA SUCKS > interrupt. YOUR IDEA IS GREAT AND I SUPPORT IT AND I AM THE STAR > you'd have half "normal" people and half kibologists. maybe > this would be at a college ("Kibo U") and the kibologists would > be a bunch of nerds who form their own fraternity (like that > one movie) and constantly have hijinks involving the campus > jocks. the jocks would refer to the kibologists as "trolls". But who would get to be the crusty but loveable hardass dean and who would be the psychotic ROTC drill instructor and who would be the diseased, coughing lunch lady and who would be the guy who's never "gotten" "laid"? > each episode, the focus would be on one of the jocks getting > involved in yet another madcap kibologist prank and would have > very marx-brothers-esque conversations where two kibologists > would badger the jock from both sides with rapidfire repartee > and nonsequiturs. I call dibs on being the bad cop. Or the guy who pretends to be the good cop but is really waiting for the "bad" cop to leave the room so that he can really get medieval. Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, especially as my dean would be the crustiest character ever -- he'd even wear a deep-fried pork-pie hat. > the important thing is to figure out how to work DISHONESTY into > the show, somehow. because all sitcoms depend on dishonesty. it's > not just the "Three's Company" formula. consider the following: > > 1) two characters pretend to be each other (sometimes, they're > actual identical twins.) this happened in a couple "Three's > Company" episodes, as well as one episode of "The Brady Bunch" > (Pete found an identical twin to doubledate with, then wound > up dating two chyxxx at once.) also, two episodes of "Friends" > (Phoebe's sister uses her name as her porn name, Rachel and > Monica pretend to be each other.) this is a popular formula > in any sitcom with young single people. Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop pretending to be the bad cop and the bad cop pretending to be the good cop and the crusty dean pretending to be a new freshman in order to secretly infiltrate that rambunctious fraternity. > 2) character hides a mistake to avoid punishment or ridicule. > very popular in sitcoms with kid characters (Pete Brady breaks > mom's vase) or two characters who are dating each other (Ross > sleeps with a copy gurl while he's on a break.) Every episode would be split into two half-hour shows. The first one would be the sitcom, and the second one would be the punishment. > 3) character lies about accomplishments, job, etc. EXAMPLE: every > single "Seinfeld" episode feature George Costanza. George was > quite possibly the funniest character in any sitcom, ever, > because his whole personality was based on lies, without his > being the "sleazy liar" archetype a la John Laroquette's > character in "Night Court". Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop lying about whether he's only pretending to be the bad cop or is really the bad cop pretending to not be pretending he's the good cop. What did I say? > 4) character hides true feelings from a love interest. this is > the whole "romantic tension" theory behind "Moonlighting", > "Cheers", "Friends", etc. Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > hell, the whole PREMISE of "Three's Company" is based on a lie: > Jack Tripper tells the Ropers he's gay so he can live with two > women. because, inexplicable, he can somehow be evicted if he's > living with a woman he's not married to. in BIZARRO CALIFORNIA, > apparently, where people are actually highly moral and never have > premarital sex. I call dibs on telling Jack Black I'm straight so I can move in with him. -- K. Also, I get to keep all the free fried food that will fit on my head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 02:13:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] > > > > Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but > > loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, > > You just faked breaking your leg so you wouldn't have to play Slim > Pickens, didn't you? Aw, c'mon! I wanna ride the bomb that destroys the world! > > Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in Cronenberg's "Crash". Whereas on our sitcom, my fourth character would be "Vaughn" in "Melrose Heights 902102402". And my fifth would be a robot. But that's beside the point. Who or what was this "Aqualung" character? IMDB.com knows the name of every character Elias Koteas played (Butch, Colt, The Kisser, Bugger, Jesus, etc.) and none of them's "Aqualung". In fact, IMDB says there has never been an "Aqualung" in any character in any movie or TV series of ViewMaster reel in all of history throughout the Universe with liberty and justice for all. Google also claims nobody has ever used the words "Elias Koteas" and "Aqualung" on the same page (until today.) Are you sure you didn't mistype "Quasimodo"? It's possible, they both have a "q"... they both even have a "u" after the "q". Coincidence... or hunchback? -- K. "I would think I'd accomplished it all if I could get to play Quasimodo." -- Elias Koteas, quoted on IMDB.com ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Underwear dreams (was: sitcoms) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:17:36 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The only underwear dream I remember involved going to church in my > tighty-whiteys, (Cue Groucho Marx) > only to discover that there was a carousel in the back of the chapel. > Embarasment concerning public underwearation is much diminished by > riding a carousel during the sermon! Were you yelling "YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!" while riding it? Because if so, that would make you cool. If not, that would make you weird and creepy. > All you docturbs OF PSYCHO-THERAPY! may now explain why Wiblur is all > mental and stuff. I prefer explaining to doctors why I'm all mental and stuff just to watch them cringe. And, oh yeah, I have perfectly legitimate excuses for being in the mood I'm in right now. -- K. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:13:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > This is most unpleasant. I'm going to have bad dreams tonight, > > > I just know it. > > > > The one where you are walking around the school in your underwear or the > > one where you're the only one who doesn't know there is a "Major Test" > > that day? > > The "Major Test" dream never happens to me, because I can usually squeak > through a test without too much humiliation. [...] See, Stacia, those of us who are used to doing _well_ on tests, we're the ones who have nightmares about failing to prepare for them. You'll never know the joy of dreaming about flunking. > And the underwear one, well, my underwear figures into almost all the > embarassing incidents I had in high school. I became so immune to > underwear humiliation that when our theatre teacher demanded we all do > something embarassing to break the ice, I took off my bra in front of the > class. Under my shirt, of course. Tossed it on my desk and said, "Next". > The teacher then demanded I do something that would actually embarass me. I hope you said "You know, it's really embarassing to have to bring a sexual-harassment lawsuit against my seventh favorite teacher..." > I was forced to read a note I wrote when I was 12 about who I had a crush > on. That sucked. I would have rather taken off more clothes. > I like stories. Stories are better than crushes. Crushes hurt. Stories only hurt Spot. Poor Spot! He had a crush on an egg! And when he hugged it to show how much he loved it, he crushed it! "Waah!" cried Spot, "I don't like this new type of story that has me be in emotional pain instead of simple physical pain!" And then he realized he forgot to study for the test and he was wearing Stacia's bra, and then he woke up, and rolled over, and crushed the egg he was sleeping with. The End. -- K. Couldn't you have just _acted_ embarrassed to placate your sadistic drama teacher? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:25:32 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". > > > > I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in > > Cronenberg's "Crash". > > He was Harlan in "Novocaine", too. A much better film in my opinion, > although "Crash" had the most plot I've ever seen in a soft core Cinemax > pornie. Holly Hunter was about as sexually attractive as cottage cheese, > though. The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. Without all the sex, it just becomes this fragmentary thing -- a soft-core porn film without the porn. The reason many studios bring out separate R and unrated editions of movies (especially crappy teen comedies) is that Blockbuster will only carry the R ones, and theaters will only play the R ones, but sales go up if they bring out two discs for retailers to stock. But what does Blockbuster do in the case of "Crash", where the R and NC-17 versions are on the same disc? Do they scratch up the part of the disc that has the porn version? Or do they just not carry the film? (There was a period where Blockbuster's whitelist refused to include a lot of films that they just considered too disturbing, such as "Brazil" or anything with a gay theme, and if that policy were still in effect you bet your bippy they'd never carry any version of "Crash", not even an airline edit on VHS -- Blockbuster actually used to pass off censored versions of PG and R films as the originals on VHS.) Anyway, "Novocaine" is in my stack of discs to watch, right between "Secretary" and "Rex The Runt". All I know about it is that it's one of the eight films where Steve Martin plays a sadistic dentist or doctor. I sure hope he doesn't sing in this one. Then again, could be worse, Blockbuster could edit together the Steve Martin musical version of "Little Shop Of Horrors" with the Jack Nicholson non-musical version and make Jack Nicholson sing, and if you've ever seen "Tommy" you know that Mr. Nicholson has almost less musical ability than I do. > [...] > > > Coincidence... or hunchback? > > Leave it to Kibo to invent a fabulous new parlor game in mere seconds. What other famous people think they should have been hunchbacks? Andy Dick? -- K. (Blue Meanie voice) Guy Lombardo? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:51:08 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, > > because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. > > I understand that the sex was integral to the film. But I didn't feel > enough time was spent on the reason they were having sex. Dude, grownups have sex because they like having sex. There, I just explained half the movies in the world. > [...] > Part of the problem is that I expected the film to shock me. I don't > shock easily anymore, apparently. I don't think I've been shocked since "Un Chien Andalou". And that was before I was born. After I was born, I was all "Yeah, so, what else ya got?" By kindergarten, it was "Yeah, he's big, he's a bird, is the combination supposed to be special?" > "Ichi The Killer" managed to surprise me, maybe "One Hour Photo" > to a degree, but that's about it. "One Hour Photo" didn't surprise me at all, because it was a fascinating documentary about my real life. (I don't know why they cast Mork as me, but it worked once he got his hands into the photo chemicals.) "Ichi The Killer" did actually startle me a little because it contained one or two things I haven't done in real life, though lately I have been drooling over the little packets of surgical steel fishhooks down at the store. > [...] > > For everyone who cares, this is my marathon movie list for next weekend: > > 1. Sweet Sweetbacks Baadasssss Song (1971) > 2. Starsky & Hutch (2004) > 3. Can't Stop the Music (1980) Why not watch them in the opposite order? That way if "Can't Stop The Music" makes you die from terminal lameness you won't have to rent the other two, a savings that will give you something to feel good about while the Steve Guttenberg movie kills you. > I'd like to add the original "Rollerball" to that, but I'll save it for > when "The Kansas City Bomber" is released on DVD. The real "Rollerball" is a great film. The remake "Rollerball" is actually worse than "Can't Stop The Music", though in a completely different direction. A double feature of "Can't Stop The Music" and the re-"Rollerball" would be so bad it would kill everyone within a 500-mile radius of your DVD player. -- K. I love re-enacting scenes from movies I've enjoyed, but the problem now is that I liked "Battle Royale", and even though I'm sure I can get a track suit I don't know how to set up the rest of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: creepy movies (was: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula.) Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 06:41:28 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't think I've been shocked since "Un Chien Andalou". And that > > was before I was born. After I was born, I was all "Yeah, so, what > > else ya got?" By kindergarten, it was "Yeah, he's big, he's a bird, > > is the combination supposed to be special?" > > I was scared by the dog in the never ending story. When I was 5. I > have never been brave enough to watch it again. "The Neverending Story" didn't come out until I was way too old to entertain the thought of seeing anything with a title as obviously fraudulent. However, last year I did see "The Neverending Story 3", which was an incredible piece of crap, and I spent the whole movie wondering why none of the kids was smart enough to notice that the school bully had a huge bald spot because Jack Black was about twenty years too old to play a teen. I kept praying for him to find a way to make the bad movie amusing for even one minute -- which he actually managed to do in the case of "Run, Ronnie, Run" -- but no, "The Neverending Story 3" contained nothing, nil, zip for him to do. > I also thought "puff the magic dragon" was about a dragon named Puff. I grew up in that era where folk music had moved from being solely the province of protesting hippies to the default form of children's music, so I was forced to suffer through hearing "Puff The Magic Dragon" many times, and yes, they made us sing "Where Have All The Flowers Gone" in kindergarten at least once a month. The Seventies sucked, especially musically. Consider that the high point of Seventies music was the invention of disco! At the moment the tedious Al Pacino movie "Cruising" (1980, technically still part of the Seventies 'cause there was no Year Zero) is on my TV and whenever he goes to the leather bar, they can't play disco music, that would be too cool for this really insipid movie, it's stuff like leftover pre-disco folk music. Nowadays, of course, those bars would all be playing atonal techno music consisting of 280 beats per minute interrupted by three-second grinding noises. (bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbump RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR bumpbumpbumpbump!) When is there going to be a period in human history where pop music doesn't suck to high heaven? This worthless movie also has another Seventies-style defect: It was shot entirely on location, so all the dialogue was dubbed in later, with the sort of primitive Seventies ADR that makes the actors sound like they're phoning in their lines from Apollo 13 via tin cans tied to a Twizzler. The phoned-in quality of the performances combines with the total lack of lip-sync to ruin any dramatic realism the dialogue about "coke-suckers" and "clock-soakers" might have. (And I swear that one of the male prostitutes in the movie refers to one of the bars as "The Ramhole", probably 'cause the filmmakers got confused about whether The Manhole was supposed to be The Ram Rod or vice versa.) I want thirtysomething teenage Jack Black to show up and give everyone in this excruciating movie an atomic wedgie. Or Dave Thomas could grind them into square hamburgers. Oh, god, now Pacino is cruising to the sounds of flamenco guitar. Why did Dave Thomas ever even bother referencing this movie on "SCTV"? It's not worth mentioning in any way! Stop reading about it! To sum up, folk music sucks, techno music sucks, and I want to get this movie the hell out of my TiVo. It feels longer than "The Neverending Story". -- K. This movie makes "S1M0NE" seem like an unforgettable classic. How many bombs can Pacino pack into one career? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:15:50 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: 100 Most Recent Postings. Feb. 5, 2005. > > From time to time I check out google.com to see what people are > saying about me. I do have a high Ego and am concerned what > is said about me. You should hire a ghostwriter. I'm available. -- K. And concise. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:17:14 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > A nearby vendor really liked the pirate hat. Since said vendor has > saved our bacon on numerous occasions, we let him own it. > > This vendor is not the rude gay vendor. So I hope you didn't let him also get his hands on your little fireman's hat. Also, what do you mean by "bacon"? -- K. The first time I wore my pirate bandanna, it left black marks on my forehead that just didn't want to wash off. I see a market for pirate hats that give free semi-temporary tattoos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:20:28 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I did not sell it to him, I gave it to him. Don't change the subject -- we were talking about hats! > He does not know the hat's origins. "Well, first the Earth cooled..." Seriously, Lots, good for you -- you've gotten more entertainment out of that one pirate hat than even a chimp could have. However, I'm hoping to catch up (or at least advance to the rank of Double Chimp) now that I have a far better pirate hat. Does anyone else on this newsgroup have a pirate hat? And if so, can we fight to see which one of us has to buy the drinks? -- K. I could get you a replacement pirate hat. How small is your head? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newbie sticks his nose into the tent Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:21:45 -0500 [in tribute to Jack Curry, who was only with us a short time] dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I only wish he'd been on ARK longer.He made me think of food. I have an announcement. The moment I die, the word "bacon" will be replaced by "Kibo" so that my death will make you think of bacon, and vice versa. Of course, now I might never die, as from now on, fanatical bacon fans will be protecting me in order to preserve the true name of bacon. But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by renaming bacon after myself. I mean, that guy who wrote Shakespeare's plays did the same thing. -- K. I HEART BACON but also I HEART HEARTS but only the ones ground up in those frozen breaded "veal" patties I like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My D-Ray Candidates for February Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:22:22 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Benny Hinn is this faith healer-slash-mongolian-chef who slaps people with > his jacket, unless I'm confusing him with another violent faith healer. Hmm, should I become a faith healer? Though I do hate taking my heavy leather jacket off... maybe I should wear another one under it? Also, you're confusing Benny Hinn with Belly Hill, who heals people by slapping them on top of the head hundreds of times in fast motion. -- K. Could I instead be a faith sickener? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review:Million Dollar Baby Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:23:33 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I couldn't understand the last fight scene. > It looked like the Blue Bear got counted out to ten > and then they put the stool in the ring. > Nobody puts a stool in the ring after a ten count. Eww. Lowercase Pete, please never again write poems about your collection of German "Kaviar" videos. Also, please make them rhyme. The poems you're not writing, not the videos you're watching. Ick! -- K. Can't you watch something wholesome, like that "Mr. Rogers" episode where he shows how to start a fire? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: British government falsely jailed, film at 11 Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:30:36 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [www.reuters.com] > -> > -> Three decades after being falsely jailed for detonating IRA bombs > -> at English pubs, the British government apologized on Wednesday to > -> 11 people in one of the nation's worst miscarriages of justice. > > Reuters is a respected British institution whose world-class editors > understand every nuance of expository writing in English, so I can > only conclude this sentence means what it seems to mean. Sometimes I try to go an entire day believing everyone means what they say. But then I realize that most people are idiots and I'm back to being my happy self. Hey, look! The TV news just said a million and a half people did something! It makes me feel good to believe they didn't actually saw a guy in half in front of the Orange Julius stand at the mall just to make that news story true! > If only we in the USA had the courage. I could really go for an Orange Julius right now. Where's my chainsaw? -- K. Mmm, human smoothie. You can tell I'm having a bad day whenever I fantasize about murder and cannibalism or worse, actually paying for an Orange Julius product. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo is a nitwit! Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:36:42 -0500 cl (cluna@midsouth.rr.com) wrote: > > [...] > > ...and then the brawny nurse with a gruff voice enters the room. She has > in her hand a plastic cup with a mix of pharmaceuticals and a paper cup > full of water. Do you: > > A) take the pills like a good boy only to realize they are raspberry Pez I'm not even going to read the other choices because if raspberry Pez really existed, I'd critically injure myself just to go to your hospital for some raspberry Pez. Razzleberry is my favorite candy flavor. The dark reddish-purple kind, not the blue kind (though it's pretty good too.) Black is in between. You know that lavender raspberry ice cream from Friendly's (made by Sealtest)? That's the flavor raspberry Pez would be, though color-wise they'd be a little more of a burgundy. I WANT THEM NOW!!! MUST HAVE RASPBERRY PEZ!!! -- K. Green tea Pez would also be nice to have. Or lime. But not both, because kids couldn't handle there being two shades of green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:56:58 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I see 400 post in a row . > Some one walks. > I want a JOB for it. > Im not plaiming the dumbass this time. Then what are you whatevering, dumbass? > YEA you see me dumb fuck. Worst Tarzan impression ever! > CLEAN HOUSE TODAY OR ILL HAVE YOU CLEANING on your way out. > The next gets the task you get tagged. > IF I fire your stupid ass nd tag it will look like when your tired of > your job you start sabotoge . > ILL SUE YOU FUCKING BLUE DUDE You misspelled "SUCK". Here, have some Altoids. > ILLtag evry check you get fr the rest of your life. > because of YOU 7 % of the ng base has left. > YOU are sabotoging my investments. > I have 11 billion in the net and you damaged a pice of it. > I want compesation and you are FIRED. Gee, that's too bad, Lowercase TJ. Because I have 12 billion in the net. Also I have an IQ of 13 billion and I'm 14 billion feet tall and you're wearing your underwear backwards. -- K. "I'm not plaiming the dumbass": HERE COMES A MEME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:38:41 -0500 In one of six sci.physics articles apparently responding to something I said, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kibbo rad the fucking thing =BF=BF > what a duzt. You misspelled "jeenyus". > I bet he counts cars too. Aww. No need to get jealous, Lowercase TJ. Someday someone will teach you what comes after "2". > ahy kibbo.. > wana play with $ 10,000,000 in real cold hard cash ??? > we can play "" load da bote "" with real ships and real banks and > real trades kiboooo. > Do you have a billion bucks kibooooo ? > lets se if your pee ass brain can handle 10 millin bucks by friday . I stopped buying pee ass brain years ago. Now I only buy St. Joseph's orange ass brain. It's chewable ass brain, but I can still pee it afterwards. > are you in or out. > Ill slap 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons .. > lets load 20,000 tons on a ship and see if you can handle making 10 mil > in profit this week. > put your brain where your mouth is. Sure. But first, put your mouth where my dick is. > we will use the import export bank of the united states of america for > your CIF deal. > If you have the nerve ,,lets do it for real. > lets see if you can make 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons . > its chump change ,, > I dropped 150 million in here lets make it 170. > or can you handle 2 million ? > 2 or 20 pick one . > Then Ill post the buyer the seller boath prices duties and cif and the > person at the bank. > All you have to do is have the fucking balls to pick the phone up 3 > times. > take me 1 hour So each time, it takes you twenty minutes to dial? Wow. You're a duzt, whatever that is. A big phlezofiglic rota-duzt. -- K. You're even more of a duzt than Esther Spork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 03:01:50 -0500 In sci.physics, apparently replying to me, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Tomarrow then Ill post the 10 mil you lost. > you were 3 phone calls from 10 millin bucks. Sorry, you'd have to pay me more than $10,000,000 to take even one phone call from you. There's not enough money in the world to get me to listen to you three times. > next time I shove a few mil under your chin you better wise up and > take the money fool. > I dont hand out 10 mil evry day ..just once a week. > Do you know Im over here in solomon islands because they nead enouph > electric for 300,000 people ?? non plubiciesed ..dont like cameras. > 2,5 mil gift to solomon electric. > and a nice 100,000 a year for some one. > I gave way 100 million this year so far. > I still taded and made 150 million and still sold 3 million logs. Yes, you are still taded. Also, you spilled custad on your leotad. > I made over 2 billion this year. > I would have made good on the 10 mil trade deal. 3 phone calls would > have put 10 mil in your account. > Im 50 and dont care how much I make or give away ..22 billion is a > chunk of cash on top of 12 bulkers and 3 millin acres. > You think Im nutz because Im not english . I didn't say you weren't English. I said you weren't human. And even space aliens can speak English. Haven't you ever seen a documentary titled "Space: 1999"? > I dont do what the TV says I do. > The media dont know me. > I wount let the media know me. > I like my freedom. > BUT your a sad poor broke sob. > yer physics sucks and I got my PHD in ussr. Uh huh. Frankly, I don't think you're even a BHA in BVDs -- a half-naked Carl Sagan running around stoned would be more coherent than you. > How stupid can you be ? $10,000,000 worth Don't worry, I'm not done yet. Keep your checkbook out. -- K. I've been contributing to America's Grossly Stupid National Product since 1967. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:40:02 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Yah ,,kibboo > I sold da big red bote. > Yup I sold the 245 foot ice breaker and got me a 500 footer 14000 ton. > You rember the big red bote !! Oh, the one that was the red shade of invisible. What color of invisible is the new one? Four-dimensional polka-dotted with cinnamon swirls? > The ice breaking castel at sea with 2 million in yachts on its deck for > a life boat. > You remeber the imaginary boat as you put it !! The " one of a kind > big red bote."" > I sold it.. the imaginary as you put it.. > BUT KIBOOOO > How many ice breakers are a billionaires yacht and how many of them > are giants ??? > Only 1 ,,there cant be two. Yeah, the Universe isn't big enough to hold two of your imaginary yachts. > 2 pages. > you gotta see page 2. > ask ,,Ill show you the engine room and bridge too. Ask nice Ill > show yoou my new ship. I put 250 million in the new ships deckhouse. > went up to alaska and picked up 4 tons of platinum went and picked up > 3 ship loads of nickle ..200 million bucks a load stuff. I don't think you could even pick up _a_ nickel. You'd probably run away screaming from the scary-looking portrait of Thomas Jefferson on it. It's eerie how it seems like his eyes are following your imaginary boat around the room! > The crew go 10s of mils in bonus. Dude, just because the 10-mil plastic bag they came in said "CREW SOCKS" doesn't mean they're qualified to steer your imaginary yacht to the Moon and back or wherever you're flying it to today. It can fly, right? All the better imaginary yachts can, so I hope you didn't just get one of those ones that you have to hang from a left-handed skyhook. > the ship picked up a billion bucks in 5 months. > I pull up to a wreck 20 to 50 years old and unload it like it was at > the dock. > even if its 2500 - 10,000 feet down. > > > > besides the fact there cant be two .. > Google Image Result for http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg > Address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/giant.htm&h=263&w=390&sz=18&tbnid=eZ3qEAk65D4J:&tbnh=80&tbnw=118&start=6&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgiant%2Byacht%2B%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26c2coff%3D1 Uh huh. Then how do you explain this? http://www.mistupid.com/games/conecrazy.htm -- K. Go ahead, see if you can outsmart those dunce caps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:58:37 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. I am also sadly uninjured. > Miss the buzz. Let's start a fight club. What's a good night for you? -- K. I promised to cook dinner for a friend and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables so I asked what vegetables he'd like me to use and he said "lots of watercress" so I took him all the way across town to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found fresh watercress and he said "That's not watercress, watercress is little round white things" so I bought him a can of water chestnuts without teasing him about it mercilessly, because I am a good person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:20:48 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I promised to cook dinner for a friend > > and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables > > so I asked what vegetables he'd like me > > to use and he said "lots of watercress" > > so I took him all the way across town > > to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found > > fresh watercress and he said "That's > > not watercress, watercress is little > > round white things" so I bought him a > > can of water chestnuts without teasing > > him about it mercilessly, because I am > > a good person. > > You are so NOT a good person. As if. Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts in my mere presence. > I'm not sure how to feel about this anecdote. On one hand, I was a > little icked out by the idea of spicy stir-fried watercress, so I'm happy > to find out the guy wanted water chestnuts. Much tastier. Still, water > chestnuts come in cans which are clearly labelled as such, so how can you > mistakenly call them cress instead of chestnuts? Watercress would probably come out well if stir-fried in spicy sauce. I've had other bitter green leafy things prepared that way (Chinese broccoli leaves and so forth) not to mention every sort of canned "greens" sold in the soul-food aisle of my neighborhood supermarket. Anyway, he said the yu shiang vegetables and curried rice pilaf were excellent. Because we bought so many vegetables, I used the extra ones to make beef stew the next day, and he loved it although he had previously expressed concern that it might not come out as yummy as his favorite, Dinty Moore canned beef stew. It's fun to cook for people who have never tasted actual food. > I'm torn. If you're going to be Rip Torn, I want to be Jon Stewart. Together we can gang up on Garry Shandling and his sidekick, Dr. Phil. And then we can go into hiding when the show gets remade with World's Boredest John Cleese. -- K. Now admit I'm a good person or I'll jab you with a syringe full of Dinty Moore beef slime. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:30:11 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts > > in my mere presence. > > I believe this theory is cursed. It would imply that I am a good person, > which is WAY WRONG, and also that I am a worse person when I'm in a walk-in > freezer, which is ALSO WAY WRONG because I am always on my best behavior in > walk-in freezers, since I don't want the Marines to shut the door and force > me to argue my way out, which I am not good at since I did not study > aikido. Is there an Internet acronym for "Please Stop Turning Me On"? 'Cause I'm not dressed just yet and I suddenly have an urge to put on my Marine Corps Freezer Police uniform. Also I know Venusian Aikido. Fun fact: I couldn't remember whether Jon Pertwee advocated Venusian or Martian Aikido, so when I searched for both in Google, I found far more hits on "Martian Aikido" because a lot of bozos write pages saying "Aikido is my favorite martian art." They don't know that Aikido is from Venus, bee-guns are from Mars. Currently my favorite flavor of ice cream is Haagen-Dazs Tres Leches (I'm not going to bother with all the faux diacritic marks or even the real one in the Spanish half of that name) which is coconut with chunks of white cake. It's not as good as the Golden Banana from Chatta Box, but it's still a nice coconut ice cream. I also like their fake Creme Brulee flavored "custard-style" runny ice cream and their Cherry Vanilla. And Friendly's (Sealtest's) Black Raspberry, which is lavender instead of the correct black. I gave up on Ben & Jerry's because all their flavors contain at least three different types of rock-hard lumps with razor-sharp jagged edges. It's wrong for them to try to make my tongue bleed just so they can pretend their ice cream comes with raspberry sauce. -- K. I should go over to Chinatown and get some green tea ice cream. Mmm, green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:16:21 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. > > > > Miss the buzz. > > Dear Miss Marie Thebuzz, > > I've heard tell that some 'doctors' can write 'prescriptions' for > 'pain pills', with no questions asked. You can get all the buzz > you want, and the only downside is social ostracism, penury, and > possibly death! Dear Brain Eatable, I can think of about forty-seven better ways to get the "buzz" than from stupid little pills. Most are cheaper, too, unless you have to hire a lawyer afterwards. Some are even free, especially if your rent includes free electricity. In my view, you shouldn't have to spend money in order to pass out halfway through "Yellow Submarine". (You should only have to pay for a movie if you're conscious through 100% of it, otherwise it counts as seeing a trailer and those are free.) DVD players should have a way to make the movie play backwards (at normal speed, with audio) so that you dopers could enjoy the other half of "Yellow Submarine". Also, they should release the other half of "Tank Girl" because I sure didn't enjoy the part of the movie they released. -- K. Sadly, I need almost no raspberry Pez now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:07:10 -0500 [Did you already read this? Too bad. I had to repost it to correct a horrible mistake which ruined it the first time you read it so now you have to read the whole thing all over again.] The New York Times, having already reported on every single foreign "bus plunge" and every case of a wealthy socialite wrongly denied a zoning variance, brings us this enlightening article to inform us that evil exists -- and yet scientists can't see evil with a microscope. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> For the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be 'Evil' -> By Benedict Carey -> -> Predatory killers often do far more than commit murder. Some -> have lured their victims into homemade chambers for prolonged -> torture. Others have exotic tastes -- for vivisection, sexual -> humiliation, burning. Many perform their grisly rituals as -> much for pleasure as for any other reason. -> -> Among themselves, a few forensic scientists have taken to -> thinking of these people as not merely disturbed but evil. -> Evil in that their deliberate, habitual savagery defies any -> psychological explanation or attempt at treatment. I guess the word "psychopath" is too hard for scientists to spell these days. And "sadistic" got bogarted by all sorts of people such as movie critics for wildly inappropriate uses, i.e. "this movie is sadistic" means "I watched this movie and it was awful therefore I must be a masochist therefore this movie must have forced me to watch it against my will." -> Most psychiatrists assiduously avoid the word evil, -> contending that its use would precipitate a dangerous slide -> from clinical to moral judgment that could put people on -> death row unnecessarily Right! We should never put people on death row for being evil! We should only put them on death row for being sick! -> and obscure the understanding of violent criminals. MEMO TO ALL THE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD: YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE BAD PEOPLE. TRULY EVIL PEOPLE DO THINGS WITHOUT A REASON. People don't commit crimes because they watched the wrong movies, played the wrong video games, or ate the wrong Twinkies. Some people are just bad people and we will never, ever understand why a human being could do something as evil as making a bad movie, let alone gunning down everyone in a Fuddrucker's. -> Still, many career forensic examiners say their work forces -> them to reflect on the concept of evil, and some acknowledge -> they can find no other term for certain individuals they have -> evaluated. -> -> In an effort to standardize what makes a crime particularly -> heinous, a group at New York University has been developing -> what it calls a depravity scale, which rates the horror of an -> act by the sum of its grim details. The New Math keeps getting weirder. First all the scientists in the world tried to switch us to using Base Twelve and metric, and now they want us to get new calculators with special buttons that can add up depravity. DEPRAVITY CONVERSION SCALE: 1 murder = 4 attempted murders 1 attempted murder = 15 armed bank heists 1 armed bank heist = 20 incidences of cheating in Scrabble tournaments 1 Scrabble cheat = 4 incidences of meowing at a chained dog 1 meowing at dog = 6 intentional farts 1 intentional fart = 3 unintentional farts 1 unintentional fart = 2 unintentional belches 1 unintentional belch = 4 misspellings 1 misspelling = 15 impure thoughts 1 impure thought = 12 pure thoughts 1 pure thought = 2 angels dancing on 1 pin -> And a prominent personality expert at Columbia University has -> published a 22-level hierarchy of evil behavior, derived from -> detailed biographies of more than 500 violent criminals. I need to get a copy of this hierarchy of evil, mainly so I can look up all my friends. I wonder how I can get my hands on it. Of course, the Catch-22 is that wondering which of the 22 levels you are is in itself evil, which bumps you up one notch, unless you're already at the top, in which case it renders the entire scale null and void and you have to go back to measuring evil by counting someone's tattoos. Let me see if I can come up with a 22-leevel hierarchy of evilitude: 1. evilness 2. badness 3. naughtiness 4. Andy Rooneyness 5. Jar Jar 6. hooliganism 7. rapscallionism 8. raprutabagaism 9. rap 10. Klingons 11. Romulans 12. hockey fights 13. food fights 14. people who hang the toilet paper the wrong way around so that your cat will unroll it 15. your cat unrolling it 16. your cat setting fire to it 17. some sort of automated wedgie-giving robot 18. Cookie Monster Nope, I can't think of more than 18 levels of evil. I guess that makes me bad. -> He is now working on a book urging the profession not to -> shrink from thinking in terms of evil when appraising certain -> offenders, even if the E-word cannot be used as part of an -> official examination or diagnosis. -> -> "We are talking about people who commit breathtaking acts, -> who do so repeatedly, who know what they're doing, and are -> doing it in peacetime" under no threat to themselves, said -> Dr. Michael Stone, the Columbia psychiatrist, who has -> examined several hundred killers at Mid-Hudson Psychiatric -> Center in New Hampton, N.Y., and others at Creedmoor -> Psychiatric Center in Queens, where he consults and teaches. -> "We know from experience who these people are, and how they -> behave," and it is time, he said, to give their behavior "the -> proper appellation." So if I strangled someone here while there was a war happening over there, would that be evil? 'Cause I would be "breathtaking" with extreme prejudice, but it would be during wartime which makes it okay, or something. I can't figure out this crazy psychiatrist. -> Western religious leaders, evolutionary theorists and -> psychological researchers agree that almost all human beings -> have the capacity to commit brutal acts, even when they are -> not directly threatened. In Dr. Stanley Milgram's famous -> electroshock experiments in the 1960's, participants -> delivered what they thought were punishing electric jolts to -> a fellow citizen, merely because they were encouraged to do -> so by an authority figure as part of a learning experiment. Yes, yes, Milgram's Obedience Experiment, I've read the paper, seen the film, got the home game. -> In the real world, the grim images coming out of Iraq -- the -> beheadings by Iraqi insurgents and the Abu Ghraib tortures, -> complete with preening guards -- suggest how much further -> people can go when they feel justified. Dude, everyone always feels justified all the time for everything they do. They wouldn't do it otherwise. Argh. Reading amateur philosophizing this inane makes me want to kill. -> In Nazi prisoner camps, as during purges in Kosovo and -> Cambodia, historians found that clerks, teachers, bureaucrats -> and other normally peaceable citizens committed some of the -> gruesome violence, apparently swept along in the kind of -> collective thoughtlessness that the philosopher Hannah Arendt -> described as the banality of evil. Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats and librarians could get violent, who would you think could? Here, New York Times, let me make your whole article much shorter and louder: YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT THE NAZIS ONLY RECRUITED HOCKEY PLAYERS UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> "Evil is endemic, it's constant, it is a potential in all of -> us. Just about everyone has committed evil acts," said -> Dr. Robert I. Simon, a clinical professor of psychiatry at -> Georgetown Medical School and the author of "Bad Men Do What -> Good Men Dream." But what do bad men dream about, other than new "Star Wars" prequels? -> Dr. Simon considers the notion of evil to be of no use to -> forensic psychiatry, in part because evil is ultimately in -> the eye of the beholder, shaped by political and cultural as -> well as religious values. The terrorists on Sept. 11 thought -> that they were serving God, he argues; those who kill people -> at abortion clinics also claim to be doing so. If the issue -> is history's most transcendent savages, on the other hand, -> most people agree that Hitler and Pol Pot would qualify. "Transcendent"? Between that and "breathtaking", I suddenly have an urge to commit a crime that will make the New York Times -- I am going to cross the street in a transcendently breathtaking jaywalk! -> "When you start talking about evil, psychiatrists don't know -> anything more about it than anyone else," Dr. Simon said. -> "Our opinions might carry more weight, under the patina or -> authority of the profession, but the point is, you can call -> someone evil and so can I. So what? What does it add?" Evil is blah blah blah blah patina blah blah blah blah bad. I wish I could be a psychiatrist so I could have a patina! All I have is an odor! -> Dr. Stone argues that one possible benefit of including a -> consideration of evil may be a more clear-eyed appreciation -> of who should be removed from society and not allowed back. -> He is not an advocate of the death penalty, he said. And his -> interest in evil began long before President Bush began using -> the word to describe terrorists or hostile regimes. YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT GEORGE BUSH MADE UP THE WORD "EVIL" ALL BY HIMSELF UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> [...] -> -> Researchers have found that some people who commit violent -> crimes are much more likely than others to kill or maim -> again, and one way they measure this potential is with a -> structured examination called the psychopathy checklist. I hope they remembered to print at the bottom, "NOT TO BE USED AS A 'TO-DO LIST'". -> As part of an extensive, in-depth interview, a trained -> examiner rates the offender on a 20-item personality test. -> The items include glibness and superficial charm, grandiose -> self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and -> emotional vacuity. Hey! I'm not prone to boredom! Also, you forgot "incredibly handsome". -> [...] -> -> Dr. Angela Hegarty, director of psychiatry at Creedmoor who -> works with Dr. Stone, said she was skeptical of using the -> concept of evil but realized that in her work she found -> herself thinking and talking about it all the time. In 11 -> years as a forensic examiner, in this country and in Europe, -> she said, she counts four violent criminals who were so -> vicious, sadistic and selfish that no other word could -> describe them. Except "vicious". Or "sadistic". Or "selfish". -> One was a man who gruesomely murdered his own wife and young -> children and who showed more annoyance than remorse, more -> self-pity than concern for anyone else affected by the -> murders. On one occasion when Dr. Hegarty saw him, he was -> extremely upset -- beside himself -- because a staff attendant -> at the facility where he lived was late in arriving with a -> video, delaying the start of the movie. The man became -> abusive, she said: he insisted on punctuality. "Take your choice: punctuality or punch-you-ality." -> Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company Eh, what level of the International Scale Of All Evil Ever is it when someone quotes the New York Times without express written consent? -- K. Now let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:43:44 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > As a public service, I will now reveal the only difference in these two > posts aside from the added first paragraph of the second: > > On the 163 line of body text in the original article, M. Kibeau changed > "could" to "couldn't" resulting in this beauty of a wisecrack: > > > Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats > > and librarians couldn't get violent, who would you think could? > > KIBO: MYSTERIOUS AND HARD TO PARSE SINCE BEFORE 1991! A-hem. Look again. You're in the Backwards Zone, ozob. I changed "couldn't" to "could" to correct a mistake in the Boolean logic of that sentence which somehow got past my syntax checker and blew out several circuit breakers across the Internet, plus three TiVos locked up and one microwave oven started flashing "13:00". You just made The List, buddy. The List Of People Who Do Stuff Backwards. THE WALL WILL BE THE LAST AGAINST YOU WHEN THE BIZARRO REVOLUTION COMES!!! -- K. Watch out for Bizarro Ronald McDonald. He tells you to go to Bizarro Burger King. Where all the food is yummy. Except the restraurant is always closed. And you have to pay them in hamburgers so you can eat money. And the money is zero- dollar bills with pictures of Hitler. And Hitler's a nice guy. But Bizarro Ronald McDonald is still just as evil as Regular Ronald McDonald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WARNING: Kingdom of Loathing Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 01:21:31 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Umbrella drinks now give 4 drunkeness instead of 3. > > -PapaSloth I'll stick to bottled spring water, thank you very much -- it's more manly. Drinks with umbrellas or curly straws or Legos in them are sissier than a Shirley Temple on a lace doily in the back seat of a pink Cadillac with Charles Nelson Reilly. Know what's a real manly drink? A Bloody Mary without the wimpy tomato juice. I like them without the vodka either. It must suck to be an umbrella. You have to sit there with your feet touching an ice cube -- Brr! -- and you spend all your time wondering why nobody ever puts umbrellas in soft, warm chocolate birthday cakes. Mmm, I'd like to stick my feet into a birthday cake right now. Know what I suddenly have a craving for? Orange juice. I'll have a non-alc screwdriver. And it better not be that goopy thick orange juice concentrate that's all fiber like they have over on Boylston Street. -- K. All I have here is powdered lemonade. Bleah. It's the all-synthetic-chemical drink that tastes even more like chemicals than an all-synthetic- chemical drink could. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: The Science of Science Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:13:11 -0500 In sci.physics, "Albert Wagner" (albertwagnerr@webtv.net) wrote: > > Hi I'm Albert Wagner a fucking worthless pice of shit . Call > dogfart send > sex free send > albertwagnercox.net > open =B6=B6=83=85=DF=86 > REJECT=86=86=E5=F8=F0 > Albert Wagner > amitures > send free > 189 send > Open > =84=AE=F8=86=F0=AA > REJECT > AAA > BBB > Stick ablerwagner@cox.net in evry hole. > conect these =8E=BA=9C=BE=F0=86 > free pages send > FREE PAGES CONNECT. > Send free > Enlarge albertwagnercox.net > Send sample > 507 Hey Lowercase TJ Frazir, Remember that scene in the "Star Trek" episode "Mirror, Mirror" where Spock explained that it was easier for Good Kirk to pretend to be Evil Kirk than it would be for a totally batshit insane chimpanzoid with a WebTV to pretend to be a person? Still, it's fascinating to see a schmo like you failing to even pretend to be a spammer pretending to be some random person you don't like. Sort of like a little window into your brain. We can peek in and see the words "dogfart" and "=B6=B6=83=85=DF=86" and "REJECT" blinking on and off. Oh, wait, "REJECT" isn't blinking, it's a tattoo on the outside of your head. I'd have to say this was the most entertaining of the hundred articles you posted today, even if you forgot to forget to type the way you do. How's life on your little imaginary WebTV-powered cruise ship? -- K. I think something might be wrong with Lowercase TJ. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: washington sigma gama Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:52:33 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > washington sigma gama .. > enjoy the 100 italian pitza pies. > Ill park another beer truck friday . > Ya mms i you boys want to rip the paper of a stack of 20 s ,, how > much is in a stack of 20s they ask. > Well maybe you boys could do something for me ,,and ill send one over > and you can count it after you get the paper off. > wisper wisper wisper.. > sounds like a heap of fun. > The ten condemnets. Ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, mayo, mint chutney, curry sauce, hot sauce, hoisin sauce, onion relish, and honey. I WIN!!! > 1 ,,make shure he smells good in class > 2 ,, make shure he drops things around with his name on it. > 3, we cant tell you this one its against the law > 4 cant tell you this one its a suprise. > 5 mm this one I can tell you might make you faimouse. > 6 ,,well this one shold not happen to a corps. > 8, pick em up at 8 > 9 ,, I wish I thought of this one the gama boys threw it in. > 10 is just fucking insane . You're 10? That's odd, I thought you were a teenager. -- K. So your imaginary boat's turned into an imaginary beer truck, eh? Nice upgrade. Wake me when it becomes a _real_ tricycle or better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: washington sigma gama Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:55:21 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > KIBOOOOOOO > ,,did ya like me big red bote ? I have no interest in your big red butt, you bozotic baboon. > Im on a russian built ice breaker 500 feet long now. its tits. > But as nice as it is ,, dont fit in the med ya know . > I nead more of a yacht styal big bote in a year or two for a med tour > and carbian tour and just might stay on i and run the planet once . > The new yacht was 400 million new 2002 but I got a deal on it used. > 120 million > just ask for a tour. > ShipExpo.com > Address:http://shipexpo.com/sales/vessel_detail.asp?FileNo=2004 > Audio:http://shipexpo.com/_content/sounds/hummer.wav > My new yacht has a mall , > its getting painted ,,its going to turn heads. > when I park this in monty in yacht row > it will be its own row. > Im putting my toy clection in the mall nd nothin is for sale. Really, I don't think anyone wants to buy your Bigg Redd Butt Vibbe or Easily-Insertable Duzt. Those sorts of toys are not for sharing -- you really can't disinfect them if they've been chewed on that much. And take that thing out of your mouth! > and some cars. > I was going to quit the deep missions after this year at 50 but I > want 5 more wrecks . > besides it will be a year befor my new yacht is done. > a museum where lower class was. > the suites cant be improved. > My penthouse suite on it is ausome. > The first ship I will own and live on and not be the captain. Just > the admeral. > ShipExpo.com > Address:http://shipexpo.com/sales/vessel_detail.asp?FileNo=2004 > Audio:http://shipexpo.com/_content/sounds/hummer.wav Well, I hate to break it to you, but I'm a Space Viking, and a Space Viking outranks an Ausome Admeral. Now take that out of your mouth and go to bed. -- K. My TiVo can beat up your WebTV and my Space Viking helmet can beat up your Easily-Insertable Duzt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 18:25:58 -0500 I found a followup report. It was accompanied by a picture of his collection of rubber toys, but it's nothing you haven't seen during the "Uncle Ernie" number in "Tommy". [www.chron.com] -> -> Feb. 10, 2005, 11:21AM -> -> Widow denies role in alcohol enema -> -> She says her husband gave himself the lethal dose of sherry -> By Richard Stewart -> Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle -> -> Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not -> only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to -> enemas since he was a child. -> -> "There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no -> way," Warner said during an interview at her attorney's office. Why? Does she not know which hole they go in? -> A Brazoria County grand jury indicted her on a charge of -> negligent homicide. Prosecutors claim she provided alcohol -> for Warner even though she knew he'd been warned that alcohol -> could kill him. -> -> She is free on $30,000 bond. -> -> An autopsy report said his blood-alcohol level was 0.47 -> percent, almost six times the legal intoxication limit for -> operating a motor vehicle. -> -> "It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His -> mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started -> to depend on them all the time." _All_ the time? I'd hate to see him performing in a musical dance revue or something if he was having all-day enemas. -> She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and -> corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. "Enema School" was the worst "Revenge Of The Nerds" knockoff to star that Hannibal Lecter guy. -> Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said. -> -> "He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she -> said. "He had enema recipes." I like hot sauce in my recipes. This is because I don't like my recipes in my ass! -> She said he liked to use wine or sherry in enemas because -> that would allow his body to absorb alcohol faster than -> drinking it. Sherry and wine were easier on his digestive -> system than other forms of alcohol, she said. -> -> "He would drink, too, but his favorite was enemas," she said. -> -> Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting -> alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink -> as well. -> -> "My husband could drink very well with any problem he had," -> she said. Okay, he's called dibs on that sentence. Now nobody else can have it on their tombstone. It's all his. _____________________ / \ / Here lies \ / A DUMB FUCK \ / \ | who put death up his ass | | | | "I could drink very well | | with any problem I had." | | | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -> [...] -> -> "My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the -> world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my -> husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 -> percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went -> out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because -> he loved his enemas." Any four-sided love triangle where a guy is in love with God, a woman, and massive enemas is bound to end up tragic, or the subject of one of those movies in the "People Dressed As Priests" section of a German porno store. I'm just sayin'. -- K. Is this the real reason Krispy Kreme sells the dougnut-flavored milkshake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:46:08 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like hot sauce in my recipes. This is because I don't > > like my recipes in my ass! > > I hereby undertake to cover the cost of the Rupali Restaurant's > "Curry Hell" challenge should ever Kibo visit the UK, and, > specifically, Newcastle-upon-Tyne's Bigg Market, by whatever > orifice the challenge curry is met by His Kiboship. I would like to know more about this challenge. 'Cause I like curry. Even the lame British kind. (I bet it's 50% watercress and 50% mayonnaise.) Please supply all relevant details, including rules and a full prize schedule, of this "Curry Hell" challenge. Is there a home version of the game? -- K. And why is there _still_ no blue curry? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 16:36:42 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > I hereby undertake to cover the cost of the Rupali > > > Restaurant's "Curry Hell" challenge should ever Kibo visit > > > the UK, > > > > I would like to know more about this challenge. 'Cause I > > like curry. Even the lame British kind. > > This isn't British curry, it's Bangladeshi (except insofar as all > curries are British because the dish is a British invention). Ooh! I've never had Bangladeshi curry. I've had various Indian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Pakistani, and Ethiopian curry dishes. All I know about Bangladesh is that they schedule a different natural disaster every three weeks, and all their citizens wants Bert and his friend Osama to blow up the USA, so obviously food must be the only joy in their lives, I bet it's really tangy. > You mustn't confuse curry (the meals you get from Indian > restaurants) with curry (the mildly spicy sauce glopped over > chips in place of mushy pease in northern fish & chip shops). The whole "mushy peas" thing is something I don't understand about British food. Here in the USA, "peas" are bright green spherical things. (They come frozen in bags or boxes, and poor people get the canned variety.) British markets sell all sorts of weirdly ruined canned peas far worse than the American canned ones. British ones tend to be dehydrated and then rehydrated before canning, with green dye and saccharin added. And of course they have labels like "Batchelor's Processed Peas" (for the ones in the fluorescent green saccharin slime) and "Mushy Peas" (for the ones that are even softer than other British canned dehydrated rehydrated peas) just to make it clear that no matter what sort of British peas you get, they won't be remotely pea-like. Don't get me started on Quebec and their albino peas. I think they got all the rejects from Mendel's genetic experiments. I love the Quebecois yellow pea soup (recipe: yellow peas plus lard, stir.) > > Please supply all relevant details, including rules and a > > full prize schedule, of this "Curry Hell" challenge. > > http://www.curryhell.com/ > > ...which also tells me that Lord Harpole had re-named his > restaurant "Curry Capital". It was the Rupali when I lived in > Newcastle. Okay, I'm checking their menu now: -> Dare you take the -> -> Curry Hell Challenge -> -> The world's Hottest curry ! -> -> Curry Hell is a normal sized portion of curry made with chilli -> seeds and chilli powder served with either pilau rice or chips. -> If you eat the full portion it's free. To give you an idea of -> just how hot the Curry Hell dish is, Vindaloo is like ice cream -> by comparison. Maybe we should inform him that some people consider hot sauce to _be_ ice cream, or at least topping for same. -> There is no time limit! Can I take it home and finish it at my leisure? I had to do that the time I tried to drink a bottle of Moxie. Took about four days. Ecch. -> If you eat the full portion of Curry Hell you will get it free -> plus a signed certificate in recognition of your spectacular -> achievement from The Management. I don't think I could eat a full portion of any sort of British food. I have a low tolerance for boiled gristle because I am proud to be an American from the land of deep-fried hamburgers. -> Friendly Warning -> -> If you become ill due to the consumption or if you find that you -> are experiencing any problems with your lover(s) then under no -> circumstances are you entitled to blame the Curry Capital or any -> member of its staff. I think the only problem with my lover(s) is that they might get broken after I have the hot curry. Hot pepper makes me get really tactile. -> If you die whilst eating or as a direct result of eating the -> curry then your next of kin will incur the cost of your meal. Yeah, sure, also the Tingler is loose in the restaurant. > > Is there a home version of the game? > > The UK *is* home. It's other people that are foreigners. Your country is too small. You don't even have space to grow your own peas, so you have to have them shipped in in dehydrated form, leading to the same sort of culinary perversions as other tiny island nations (Japan, Iceland, Australia.) > All the best, > > John. Tonight I want to go out and get some green tea ice cream to go with this spicy mint chutney I have. That seems like it might be an interesting combination. (I've had a craving for green tea ice cream since last night.) Currently my favorite snack food is these Japanese potato rings with habanero flavor. The package is glossy black with an evil grinning habanero pepper. I got turned on just seeing the package and wow are these things good. Habaneros have such nice flavor compared to jalape–os. Why do Americans put jalape–os in stuff? They're too hot for normal people but too mild for people who really like hot pepper, and they don't have any flavor, just a sort of metallic acid taste with some heat. Habaneros have a nice complex pepper flavor. -- K. What does this have to do with gross sherry enemas? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:24:00 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Why do Americans put jalape–os in stuff? > > They're too hot for normal people but too mild for people who really > > like hot pepper, and they don't have any flavor, just a sort of > > metallic acid taste with some heat. > > I really need to get down to reviewing all the Mrs. Renfro's salsas > soon. Either that or just do the green one right now. > > I stumbled on Mrs. Renfro's salsas in our local supermarkets a few months > ago and recognized them from when I lived in Dallas. They're still made > by an independent company in Fort Worth. I was disappointed at first to > find that the Green Salsa was not a tomatillo salsa, but then I tried > some more of it. It's a very nice onion and jalapeno salsa that I really > think could make Kibo change his tune about jalapenos. It's nice and hot > (not extreme, of course, being jalapeno; just nice) and loaded with > cilantro but, amazingly, has -NO- coppery tang to it whatsoever. The > onion really brings out the light, sweet flavor of the jalapeno. Actually, I _was_ specifically thinking of Mrs. Renfro's green salsa when I wrote that. It's pretty hot for a jalape–o-based salsa, but to me it doesn't have much flavor beyond the metallic, acidic taste. It should either be less hot, or more flavorful. It's heat without much pepper flavor. I like peppers that have a rich flavor, whether they're mild (such as poblanos) or hot (habaneros). Jalape–os are somewhat hot but don't have anything else going for them. I have a jar of the Mrs. Renfro's green that I've been using up by mixing it with Salpica green olive salsa, which is too mild and runny by itself but works great when enhanced with the thicker Mrs. Renfro's. The Salpica salsa has green olives and roasted green chiles, it's a nice flavor if you don't mind that it's not spicy (and pretty watery.) My favorite prefab tortilla-chip dipping salsa is still Pace Mexican Creations Roasted Ranchero Cooking Sauce, which has big chunks of poblanos in it, but I haven't seen it in many months (my local market has a little sign saying "We're sorry, this item is temporarily unavailable" on the shelf, the sign's been there a looong time) so I think it may have been discontinued early last year. It's not hot, but there are ways of dealing with that (a little habanero sauce, and the jalape–o-flavored Charras fried tortillas.) It's hard to find good habanero sauces -- I like the thick ones leavened with carrot puree instead of vinegar. My favorite thing to put the habanero sauce in? Trader Joe's stroganoff-flavored mushroom soup. I stir in one to two teaspoons of the habanero sauce and the beige soup gets a lot more colorful. Mmm. I dislike sauces that consist of vinegar plus capsaicin extract. I like mashed-up peppers. I do also buy weaker vinegar-based sauces, such as Frank's Xtra Hot, because they're good to drench frozen pizzas with, since you can't really stir the stuff in. Frank's also has a chili-lime flavor that's good on scrambled eggs. -- K. They should make eggs that come with hot sauce already inside. Can't we just feed the chickens some hot peppers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: product placements in the news Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 19:12:37 -0500 An entry from the police blotter. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> East Boston -> -> The Border Street apartment of a gay hair stylist has never been -> cleaner, much to his misery. His crazy ex-boyfriend allegedly -> broke in Tuesday and poured Tide with Bleach on everything from -> plants to bedding. Then, he stole two hair dryers. I think the Boston Herald has sunk to a new low now that they're putting product placements for Tide With Bleach into their stories about gay stereotypes and their hysterical hissy fits. Everyone knows than an over-the-top gay stereotype would use _imported_ detergent! Still, at least the ex-boyfriend only stole two hair dryers. The guy must have at least five left. Because gay guys have day-of-the-week hair dryers. Also hour-of-the-day mustache trimmers. -- K. "Why'd you soak my bed in Tide?" "'Cause it was too heavy to move out-tide, you thilly goothe!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News in a blender: The latest batch of fragments Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 23:19:35 -0500 Continuing in the tradition of using the Google Alerts service to find news clippings containing certain words in hopes that the excerpts will seem wacky when taken out of context, here's the latest batch. [www.brandonsun.com] -> -> The United States Department of Agriculture operates like a -> "three-legged cat trying to bury its turd on a frozen pond," -> according to one visiting American livestock economist. [www.kansascity.com] => => At restaurants, she requires they eat vegetables. "And fried => okra doesn't count." [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> Chalmers Johnson, in a caustic e-mail, asserts that the U.S. -> ambassador at the time "couldn't give a cold dog turd whether or -> not you, your wife and children get a bath at an onsen [Japanese -> bathhouse]." [www.khou.com headline] => => Houston mother: taser turned son into three-year old [www.zwire.com] -> -> Of course, Secretary of State Cathy Cox could have spoken to -> this crowd about the aesthetic qualities of goat and okra and -> gotten a respectable response--she owns this audience. [www.thestar.com] => => "A lot of it is whimsical; people don't usually wear jewellery => that has gumbo, but I do a gumbo necklace that's pearls, crabs, => shrimp and okra. [...]" [www.kansascity.com] -> -> In Kansas City, we find many of our foods in the Vietnamese -> store. They cook okra like us. [50connect.co.uk] => => We are fast becoming a nation which knows its okra from their => avocado. [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> She's chosen a warm yellow shade called "okra" for the walls. [www.zwire.com] => => Before you get too big-headed here, remember we eat sweetbreads, => blood sausage and liver. And okra. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Waltman said the kenaf plant has seven leaves at the top and -> okra-looking leaves at the bottom. He said marijuana only has -> five leaves. [www.pitchforkmedia.com] => => My 14-year-old self now owes me a wedgie, but I spent last => winter nestled with this Sacramento, California duo's downy => cuddlecore. [www.themercury.news.com.au] -> -> "There's nothing like seeing a wedgie drop from the sky, -> spiralling down to land on the top of the aviary netting. [...]" [www.oregonlive.com] => => With all that pre-match fidgeting, jumping around and shadow => wrestling, I'd say the warm-up move to wedgie ratio for the => average high school wrestler is 1:1. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> Permanent water wedgie. [www.sfgate.com -- spelling error is theirs] => => A rather large lady stood up a pew ahead, to sing a hymn. My => view was limited to her massive wedgie -- which my 5-year-old => mind thought best to correct. Impulsively, I reached up to do => so, and she hit a high note that turned heads. That good dead => did not go unpunished. [desmoinesregister.com] -> -> He may have been an entertainment legend, but Carson always will -> be remembered by the people of tiny Cooper as their 51st -> citizen. -> -> He won the designation during the unincorporated town's -> centennial celebration in 1981. Others vying for the honor -> included game-show host Bob Barker, Henry "Fonzie" Winkler and -> Princess Grace of Monaco. [www.pitch.com on the Kansas City rap music scene] => => But the Fonz would be the first to tell you that Rome wasn't => built in an aaaayyyyyyyy. It takes years, tears and a => willingness to disembowel your enemies with a rusty spatula => before an aspiring Julius can assume his throne. And even then, => it's only a matter of time before Brutus sticks a shiv through => your toga. => => Kansas City hip-hop isn't exactly Greek drama. [npr.streamsage.com automatic transcription of an NPR broadcast] -> -> The where she often to date for the team that plays and if the -> and when they get them feel to receive the spatula. [louisville.rivals.com] => => And those games were just a few years removed from former => Marquette coach Mike Deane pulling a "fonzie-esque" slide across => the Freedom Hall court with an "up yours" hand motion in obvious => defiance to the Cardinals' student section, who subsequently => pelted the crazed coach with beer and whatever else was in their => pockets. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> McCombs downplayed Moss' X-rated response to his $10,000 fine. -> The Vikings' owner said it's just a case of Randy being Pee-wee -> Herman. [www.al.com] => => "One reporter wanted all of the [Super Bowl] players to take off => their shirts," he says. "He was a little skinny guy, looked like => Pee-wee Herman. [...]" [www.thread.co.nz] -> -> In other words, if when you get on the dance floor you look like -> Pee-Wee Herman, you might want to take a pass. [www.mainecampus.com] => => I find it ironic that businesses complain about lost profits due => to theft, while wanting to blow more cash trying to catch => thieves than Pee Wee Herman spends on afternoon matinees. [www.calendarlive.com] -> -> One critic snipped that she looked "as authentically African as -> Pee-wee Herman with a spear." [www.spokesmanreview.com] => => Thumbing through my notes, I see entries like: "Haven't heard a => voice like that since Pee Wee Herman" and "Send this band to Iraq." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> Granted, Iraq by itself is as threatening as Pee Wee Herman -> wielding a banana. (Now, if he were wielding elderberries...he's -> still be Pee Wee Herman.) [www.mndaily.com] => => "When I was young and my dad's drug store was around the corner => from here, this building we're in today was a porn store so => scuzzy, it would make Pee-wee Herman cringe," [www.sports-central.org] -> -> Before the coverage rule change, Patriots' defensive backs were -> often guilty of more illegal contact than Pee Wee Herman and -> George Michael locked together in an adult theater, or a public -> restroom. [www.tampatrib.com] => => And at the heart of all the racist, anti-Semitic bluster and => faux bravado was Eidson, the Pee-wee Herman of Wannsee. [www.latimes.com] -> -> With his flamboyant sobriquet and penchant for photo-op poses -> that seem a cross between Billy Dee Williams and Pee Wee Herman, -> it remains unclear if Bentley is an authentic social reformer or -> simply a dapper charlatan destined to 15 minutes of -> chauffeur-driven fame. [msnbc.msn.com] => => The result? An army of ideas and two warehouses in Golden Valley => that would make Pee Wee Herman and Willy Wonka green with envy. [daily.standord.edu] -> -> Why are more emotions attached to one bodily orifice than -> another? [www.bgnews.com] => => You will be the chosen few, and therefore won't end up with a => frozen acorn lodged in a random orifice. [www.southcoasttoday.com] -> -> "I saw the smoke come out, called 911 and got out," Mr. Orifice -> said. [www.cornellsun.com] => => Questions seem to be of two varieties: "Is it true you can get => pregnant from drinking (insert name of popular soft drink => here)?" and "My husband likes to coat his (body part) in (type => of gasoline) and then place it in (orifice that does not exist). => How can I make him stop?" That would be entertaining enough, but => the entire show is just an old woman sitting at a desk taking => notes. [scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com] -> -> I often think that if one encountered comedy club staff as an -> entity on the Astral Plane it would take the form of a giant -> drug-encrusted orifice - that didn't laugh at your jokes. [www.thestarpress.com] => => Visitors can participate in all-day activities featuring fairy => tales such as making Robin Hood Hats or playing the fairy tale => match game. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> It is important that she doesn't handle your penis like a dirty -> dish rag between her finger and thumb. [www.thestar.com] => => Sound confusing? It looks like a giant barrel-shaped lighted => marshmallow. Made of Polyethylene, it can be used to bring light => to a dark corner, as a side table, and you can also sit on it. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> Otherwise, the toilet seat slides around when you sit on it like -> one of those snow ski training machines. That's not good even -> for type C's. [www.post-gazette.com] => => Tempalski said he saw Gumbert "attempt to hide a bong by trying => to sit on it," not realizing the trooper was watching. [www.sportinglife.com] -> -> "I then had to give evidence in the inquiry which followed. I -> did not sit on it as such. I'm afraid I cannot give any more -> details about what actually happened in the weighing-room. -> [...]" [www.dailyvanguard.com] => => I don't care who you are, who you're laying or how. Mormons to => bears, porn stars to dominatrix, we all look like jerks. [www.philly.com] -> -> One opera singer was seen on a Web site in a computer-doctored -> picture of her as a dominatrix. [www.dailybreeze.com] => => The good feelings weren't to last. It didn't take more than two => minutes of sitting in The Chair to realize that another two => minutes would put us in traction. The floor model, which had => seemed so comfortable in the store, had been replaced by an => impostor, one whose springs were unyielding and cruel, as if => there were a dominatrix trapped inside who had become involved => with the wrong kind of leather. [www.dailyiowan.com] -> -> [...] whiny parents, moral crusaders, and the domination of -> marketing demographics has leashed and gagged Hollywood like the -> Gimp from Pulp Fiction [...] [www.concordmonitor.com] => => The Egg-Cellent's sign, which shows a smiling egg holding an => oven mitt and spatula, sat on the ground, upright and free of => soot. [news.newkerala.com] -> -> The late Indian prime minister Morarji Desai, who lived well -> into his 90s, was among the strongest proponents of almonds. "I -> can survive on almonds. They are one of the two secrets of my -> strong health. You know the other one - self-urine therapy. -> [...]" [news.independent.co.uk] => => [...] all the water at my house and studio is triple-filtered => and goes through a reverse-osmosis process before passing => through a pipe which is wrapped in a copper spiral which itself => contains imploded water. I am also really into urine therapy, => drinking urine and applying it to any skin irritation. And => although I fall in and out of practice, seminal retention is => good for restoring energy and making me strong. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> It is poofy and has rounded edges, like a cartoon couch. It sags -> here and there and its springs have grown mushy. When you sit on -> it, you sink a little deeper into its folds than you would -> expect on your way down. Kind of like sitting on a stack of -> rubber beach rafts that have been outside for a while. -> -> [...] -> -> That couch started off roughly the color of undigested baby food -> and ended up exactly the color of undigested baby food. [www.plebius.org] => => So one lives with the Leatherman, one in the car glove box, the => old one still in the tool box. [www.ama-assn.org] -> -> Discoveries at the James Fort site include a spatula mundani, an -> instrument that treated severe constipation with a spoon end -> used to withdraw hard excrement. [www.cleveland.com] => => Defining values can be like trying to drink soup with a spatula. => It's even harder in relation to gambling [...] [www.projo.com] -> -> Tiffany silver spatula, Chrysanthemum pattern, square, inscribed -> "Psychology," 9 inches, $1,035. [www.nysun.com] => => Wearing turtleneck, sleeveless leotards in a sil very color, the => women look severe and intense. [www.cleveland.com] -> -> That's why Paul McCartney -- SIR Paul McCartney -- is headlining -> a half time show certain to play things sil ly-love-song safe. -> That's why com mercials are being scrutinized by the network's -> standards and prac tices officials, who already have thrown a -> flag or two. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] => => Now they are pestering my much-younger SIL and her fiance to => have children. => => [...] => => Turn just about any corner, and you'll find one of two things: => an opportunity to take offense, or a weirdo. [www.thestar.com] -> -> What fakes do people notice? Counterfeit money. And unlike a -> pre-fabbed pop star, fake money will totally screw you. [www.eastvalleytribune.com] => => The bustline of Halle Berry's nougat-colored confection was a => testament to careful wrapping or double-stick tape (or perhaps => both). [www.miami.com] -> -> Flip back to 1889, when Benjamin Harrison served -- among other -> delicacies -- Blue Point oysters on ice, sweetbread pte la -> reine, breast of quail la Ciceron, pte de foie gras a la -> Harrison, terrine of game a la Morton and pyramid of nougat -> Renaissance. [www.zwire.com] => => The old photo Bell spoke of profiled distinguished science => teacher, Reginald Edmonds, with beard and long hair, fashionable => for an era considered by today's teens to be ancient history. Guaranteed, that wasn't the only nougat. [www.wisinfo.com] -> -> A little bathroom humor goes with the territory at Potsie's, -> home to what may be the Midwest's largest urinal. -> -> [...] -> -> Weber is planning to find a way to use the urinal as a -> promotional tool, he said. [icthewharf.icnetwork.co.uk] => => For an actor who is used to fending off frog-like Urbankans and => zapping human androids and Daleks, taking his ID out of his => pocket seemed such a trial. [barometer.orst.edu] -> -> Nay to Michael Moore for always choosing such somber topics for -> his riveting films. Our idea for his next blockbuster? "Nougat: -> What the candy lobby won't tell you." [www.hollandsentinel.com] => => However, are we forgetting, as time passes, that friends and => family before us worked hard on our behalf to secure future => cemetery property on Felch Street? [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Winnie the Pooh isn't a pedophile because he wears no -> underpants. [www.gateway.ualberta.ca] => => Your only reprieve from the blasting bass line is the => interruptions by the sadistic--and hideously brawny--onstage DJ. => You might recognize him from such lines as, "Why the fuck aren't => you dancing?" Or, the ever-popular, "Would all the ugly people => in the crowd shut the fuck up?" Then why on earth are you still => yelling? [www.laweekly.com] -> -> Outside the annual note, Cornwallow was a relentless and -> unmitigated fuck, a kidney stone lodged in mankind's urethra. [www.blacktable.com] => => Give that gullible dumbass John Q. Public back his $50 million => or shut the fuck up and entertain us. Guilt is for sissies. [www.sfbg.com] -> -> The sound shifts to two minutes of gut-rumbling bass tones and -> devolves into what I blearily write in my notes as "fart drags -> fog horn." [www.weeklydig.com] => => Saying "If you gotta fart, change position" is kind of like => saying "If you gotta make meth, do it at someone else's house." => It shouldn't take saying. [news.independent.co.uk] -> -> Poor Robinson, 77, might just know that trumping is playground -> slang for farting; as for "creamy muck-muck" - custard pies and -> buckets of gunge - he would be nonplussed. [www.chronwatch.com] => => Come to think of it, I'd like to be able to see my legs again. => It is quite disconcerting to continually fart just because I => bend over to pick something up. [www.arbiteronline.com -- mystery question mark is theirs] -> -> At nineteen, I finally managed to procure a girlfriend. She was -> homely, sure, but nice. It lasted a week and a half until she -> was on my lap watching a movie, and it happened. Deep within her -> bowels brewed a mighty stink. When it managed to wriggle free, -> I?m sure it nearly tore a hole in her pants. As I was sitting -> beneath her at the time, I took the brunt of the force. In my -> brain, the only sensation I could register was something like a -> bone breaking: I knew what had happened, but I was unprepared -> for the aftermath. She had farted on me. By the time I decided -> to enroll at Tallahassee Community College, I had all but given -> up on women. I had been tripped, stood-up, beat-up and farted on. [music.ign.com] => => In 1999 the two super producers, both of whom are more or less => highly creative electronic geeks, joined together under a Chris => Elliot fueled brain fart and concocted The Handsome Boy Modeling => School, a loose concept "group" with Dan and Paul residing at => the burbling nucleus and a smattering of their similarly tweaked => (at least in terms of artistic creativity) musical compadres => scattered throughout the surrounding sonic plasma. [www.columbian.com] -> -> "When you get a bunch of fourth-graders in a room saying the -> word 'fart,' things get crazy," said Cara Wolf-Feather, lead -> educator of the featured exhibit hall. [www.latimes.com] => => When I have a hamburger, I want a nice, thick hamburger, not => some skinny White Castle patty that looks like a Post-It note. [www.kentucky.com] -> -> Tell your sweetheart you have reservations for dinner -> in-Cincinnati. When you pull into the White Castle parking lot, -> she'll definitely be surprised. [www.newsrecord.org] => => And by cultured I mean cheap and by sophisticated I mean => stomach-destroying, because I am talking about White Castle. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Now, for the 100th time, I don't write the clues. I don't know -> who writes the clues. I remain at odds with the clue writer, -> though. To me the clues were once analogous to oil paintings -> that you could actually understand, trees and park benches and -> stone bridges and the like and today they have become the modern -> art equivalent of clocks popping out of eyeballs. -> -> The first clue refers to the old curmudgeon in high dudgeon as a -> result of a critter running off with the loot. While I have been -> pointed in my remarks from the cheap seats I don't recall that -> the medallion was ever taken or moved by an animal or ever -> accusing the clue writer of a double cross as a result of such a -> disturbance. That first clue might refer to the habit over the -> years of placing the medallion in an object, diaper or White -> Castle box, for example, that could be transported by a critter. [www.ediets.com] => => I think it's akin to prostitution. It's the oldest profession in => the world. There will always be a market for it (just as there => will always be someone who actually WANTS to eat White Castle => "sliders"). [www.gamespy.com] -> -> Would you like some White Castle? I microwaved these miniature -> burgers just before you arrived. I find that the smaller the -> food, the more sophisticated it is. [www.theadvocate.com] => => [...] Shintech announced that its new $1 billion chemical => manufacturing plant would be built between Plaquemine and White => Castle [...] [www.metrowestdailynews.com] -> -> Don't you observe how your dogs and cats inhale, with deep -> interest and pleasure, every organic fluid they can find? From -> any orifice they can reach? [wcco.com] => => It takes more than a snowstorm to cancel a lutefisk feed in => Litchfield, Minn. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> "It's like lutefisk: Either you like them or you don't," Thomas -> said. "But they smell wonderful." [www.thestandard.com] => => Mercifully, there is no lutefisk, which, according to the Sons => of Norway, is either viciously defended or regarded as a => national disgrace. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> Come to find out the next Christmas, though, the shadowy Swedes -> who contacted me weren't talking about filthy lucre, but -> lime-soaked filmy lutefisk, a barrel of which they shipped up -> the St. Lawrence Catholic Seaway and delivered to my door sight -> unseen. [www.drownedinsound.com] => => Hopefully, though, you can tell the chalk from the cheese; who's => got clout and who's nothing more than a turd that just can't be => polished. [www.oregonlive.com] -> -> She doesn't bite. She's well-trained. She works cheap, a lot -> cheaper than the human groundskeepers who are back to using -> leaf-blowers to clean goose poop off RedTail's greens. -> -> They call it "herding turds." [www.easternecho.com] => => Looking more like Larry Bird than Jason Turd, as the student => section dubbed him, [...] [www.riberfronttimes.com] -> -> If forced to deliver a half-hour monologue on petrified cat -> turds, [Jack] Perkins could inject a fair amount of gravitas -> into the turds [...] [www.calgarysun.com] => => The bad news: As this turgid turd of chugging, vaguely retro => God-rock makes blindingly obvious, they still suck plenty. [www.nypress.com] -> -> At this point in his career, the only way Samuel L. Jackson can -> show that he is especially angry is to have his head explode, a -> geyser of waste matter sprout from his neck, and each flying -> turd tagged with a graffiti-sprayed expletive. [www.projo.com] => => Maybe all the little nuthatches have Stockholm Syndrome, where => the victims end up empathizing with their kidnappers. [www.dirtragmag.com] -> -> After searching far and wide for a worthy brain fart topic, I -> could only come up with kernels of rants and praise. [www.thetriangle.org] => => Coming home with the gold medal, however, is "If My Vagina Could => Talk (It Would Call Your Dick an Asshole)." I'm not really sure => what's going on in the song, but the title was enough to make me => ruin a pair of trousers as my body tried to shoot laughter out => of every orifice. [news.inq7.net] -> -> And as if putting a cherry-shaped turd on a mountain of crap -> during a shitstorm wasn't enough, Harry's little debacle segued -> two weeks before the 60th anniversary of the liberation of -> Auschwitz. [www.theoaklandpress.com] => => In addition, I wouldn't eat at any of the concessions at Cobo => either, and I'm a guy who actually likes Kmart subs and can => stare down a White Castle slider without blinking. [www.dailysouthtown.com] -> -> The field gets mushy after rains, and there's a large rock in -> the center that coaches put an orange cone over. [www.journalstar.com] => => Ken Svoboda received a miniature orange traffic cone because => Abbott once had to call him because Svoboda's lawn service => "didn't have all the traffic control desired." [news.enquirer.com] -> -> "We were like orange cones out there against Florida State," -> Prosser said. [www.thestate.com] => => MacRae thinks those orange cones will go great with the green => beer. [www.suntimes.com] -> -> The Department of Electricity -- who knew? -- stopped by, set -> out an orange cone, and left, the cover still open. [www.thenewsguard.com] => => Watch the orange cones and where they guide you. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> "It's awful hard to do (contests) when holding orange cones." [www.qctimes.com] => => It has a bright, golden-orange cone and honeysuckle-like => fragrance -- perhaps the strongest yet of any coneflower => introduced. [www.insidebayarea.com] -> -> I guess the reason the county didn't at least stick an orange -> cone in them to warn a driver is that, in that one spot, the -> cones would have just about blocked one lane of traffic. [www.komotv.com] => => "Everyone gets some kind of release from hitting things, and => this is a more positive way of getting your aggression out," => says David Levine with the Percussion Marketing Council. [www.pwinsider.com] -> -> The message that I wanted from that was to show kids what it's -> like to be on drugs. I was under the understanding that it was -> going to be used as a positive thing. But he really broke it off -> in my ass and I was the only guy not to get paid from it! I'll -> let God deal with him! [www.cleveland.com] => => The mildly psychedelic setting of this children's TV series => (1971-1973) feels groovy, but the crummy writing and Charles => Nelson Reilly's hammy acting are a buzz kill. [www.azcentral.com headline] -> -> Persistent diarrhea may signal disease [www.latimes.com] => => A year ago I tried talking my way out of the Super Bowl and => avoiding the week of numbing pregame hype to stay here, and work => as a ball boy for the LA Temptation during the Lingerie Bowl. => => I don't know how we can expect to get an NFL team if we don't => support the football teams we already have here. [www.marketwire.com] -> -> The 2005 Lingerie Bowl site is fully search engine optimized, -> utilizing a fully optimized storefront backend and proper search -> engine robot friendly navigation structure. The Internet -> marketing implemented by Web Publicitee allows for proper search -> engine crawling and organization of content for better -> positioning in search engine result pages (SERPS) and more -> visitors locating the site when searching on the major search -> engine portals. [www.fredericsburg.com] => => When's the last time you cried? => => I saw "Baby Geniuses 2," and I cried from my laughter, and Scott => Bayou. => => What's the worst movie ever? => => "Playmate of the Apes"enough said. [sfgate.com] -> -> The result will be groin pulls by the dozen. [www.nashuatelegraph.com] => => I only eked out passing grades in high-school math class by => becoming the queen of extra credit. No one made a meaner => dodecahedron snowman. [www.swans.com] -> -> From Falwellians to Stalinists, the sense of repression and -> sadism is the same. [www2.townonline.com] => => Wonderful opportunity for those seeking fulfillment in the areas => of public service, philanthropy, and sadomasochism. [www.theunionleader.com] -> -> He wasn't the only Steelers fan we saw this week. I guess you -> really have to like football to come this far to watch one team -> that beat your team and another that's your rival. It seems a -> little sadomasochistic to me. -> -> The dominant shirt all week was the green and white of the -> Eagles. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => He was persecuted in childhood and now is dismissed by his boss => Holger (Ole Thestrup as the model of the classic overweight => sadist) [...] [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "[...] think I'm only sure of one thing - nobody knows -> themselves. The nice person on the street ... in a different -> situation could be the worst sadist." [www.startribune.com] => => For every movie that showed Soviets as eeeevil sadists, there => were ten that had the main Soviet guy as a genial bear, [...] [www.citypages.com] -> -> You do prefer your sadists to work ingeniously, right? [www.wacotrib.com] => => The original of your story was marked up, cut up and pasted back => together by homicidal sadists before it was passed to the copy => desk where heartless trolls additionally brutalized once-lyrical => prose before shoving the rolled-up remains into a tube that was => crammed into a pneumatic pipe and whooshed into the clanging, => clunking, clattering backshop where eye-shadowed Linotype => operators pounded out thousands of lead slugs with little chunks => of your news story in reversed type. [www.fortwayne.com] -> -> Wow. Now we're aching for the day when video historians -> transcribe every minute of every television show ever, so that -> no Richard Dawson zinger from "Match Game '73" and no 139-word, -> anguished question posed by Phil Donahue to a guest will ever be -> out of reach. [www.spaceref.com] => => [...] a mapping swath from the volcano to Nairobi would be useful => for assessment of eruptive hazards associated with Kibo, [...] And now you know the rest of the story. -- K. Did anyone read this all the way to the end? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "He then prints out photographs flavoured to taste like anything from birthday cake to sushi." Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 07:00:30 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [www.guardian.co.uk] > -> > -> Homaro Cantu, head chef at Moto restaurant, loads the > -> [inkjet] printer's cartridges with fruit and vegetable > -> concoctions and fills the paper tray with sheets of soya and > -> potato starch. He then prints out photographs flavoured to > -> taste like anything from birthday cake to sushi. The > -> finished artwork is dipped in a powder of soy sauce, sugar, > -> vegetables or dehydrated sour cream then fried. The result? > -> A picture of a cow that tastes like filet mignon. > -> > -> ...diners can spice up their soup by ripping up the menu and > -> tossing in the pieces. > > Because using a pepper mill is just too difficult for modern man. Damn straight. That's why pepper will soon come in little packets where you won't even have to open the packets. In fact, the packets will be empty. You'll just throw them in. Also your napkin will be edible. And the tablecloth. And the carpet. > -> He plans to take the idea further. "Just imagine going > -> through a magazine and looking at an ad for pizza. You > -> wonder what it tastes like, so you rip a page out and eat > -> it," he told New Scientist magazine. > > And hope no-one else has licked it already. Magazines, eh? Nudge > nudge, wink wink, say no more! But I thought this had already been done. Doesn't the Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal system involve a bunch of cards with pictures of food printed on them? I hear they all taste like cardboard, even the ones Mr. Simmons has personally fondled. > -> Other dishes that may soon appear on the menu at his > -> restaurant include laser-seared steaks and bread with the > -> crust inside the loaf. > > What about Klein bottles and Mšbius strudel? I'm thinking that I don't want hot dog companies to jump on the "inside-out food" bandwagon because that mysterious hard white ball should stay hidden on the inside of your hot dog, not on the surface where you can see how gross hot dogs are. And please don't think about inside-out White Castles. > -> He is even experimenting with liquid nitrogen, helium and > -> superconductors to make foods levitate. > > This is science, not a brouhaha! By the way, Adam, thanks for commenting on that news story -- I would have done so earlier today, but I couldn't because I'm under a non-disclosure agreement concerning an important new invention which is almost patent pending. I can't say what it is, but it's related to the current topic, and you may soon be reading a.r.k in edible form, or wiping your butt with it, your choice. Old a.r.k articles are exactly the right thing to be printed on new Delicious Toilet Paper. Oops, I said what it was. I guess now I'll never be a trillionaire. -- K. I think about things. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Sesame Street" gets even further from the days when it was good Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 17:18:58 -0500 THIS JUST IN: My TV has informed me that "Sesame Street" is adding a segment called "Grouch Eye For The Nice Guy". What sort of message is this sending to America's toddlers? Gays are grouchy, and straights are nice. And while I do identify with Oscar (I could see him in leather), not all straight people are nice! Also, Ernie is nice and Bert is grouchy -- I would have no objection to gay puppets pairing up on toddler TV, but it's so wrong for a straight puppet to marry a gay puppet like that, no matter what tax breaks it gives him. Cookie Monster is the one whose orientation is baffling. Cookie is neither nice nor grouchy. Cookie is simply a force of nature. I like that about him or her -- Cookie has no gender, no orientation, and nothing remotely resembling human intelligence. Cookie is the perfect Muppet because he doesn't try to pass for human. Cookie just is. Sort of like Hello Kitty except dangerous. Other new "Sesame Street" segments this year reportedly include "Desperate Houseplants" and a Muppet named "Donald Grump". Most creatively of all, there's a parody of "24" named "24". Please kill me. Has it occurred to anyone that "24" -- a show where the bad guys are gunning people down left and right and most of the drama consists of the good guys capturing them and torturing them to make them talk -- might not be the most appropriate show for "Sesame Street" to go logrolling with? ("Now tell us where you hid the nuclear warhead, or Elmo will drown you in Dorothy's fishbowl!") I want "Sesame Street" to go back to the days when it was just insane and encouraged kids to question the nature of reality (remember when Ernie asked Bert "How do I know I'm here?") and defy authority (Bert was The Man and Ernie sure enjoyed sticking it to him. And Oscar openly advocated reversal of social norms.) Now "Sesame Street" has become part of the Establishment, consisting largely of references to other shows, a homogenized loaf-like extruded creation afraid to challenge the kids. It used to be countercultural, now it's just like the front matter in "TV Guide". "Hey kids, watch '24'!" At least I think they still play the cartoon about the pinball machine filled with LSD once in a while. -- K. "I'll eat cookies in _your_ bed!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Sesame Street" gets even further from the days when it was good Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:04:59 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THIS JUST IN: My TV has informed me that "Sesame Street" is adding > > a segment called "Grouch Eye For The Nice Guy". > > Google finds no hits for "grouch eye for the nice guy" -- maybe the TV > is just trying to be funny. Nick... Nick... Nick. As a serious journalist, of _course_ whenever I hear something like that I immediately track down the origin