From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:09:38 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, I finally got my hair just the style of orange I wanted. > > Did you use Electric Lava Manic Panic? Remember how, in 1991, when alt.religion.kibology started, I said that someday there would be a test? Well, I didn't actually say it, I just thought it, but it still counts, because under the Berne Convention something is copyrighted the moment you think it and therefore it has the force of law behind it. So I don't think I need to mention yet again that Electica Lava and Electric Banana are my two favorite Manic Panic colors. My current shade is a 50% mixture of the two because I wanted to do a light orange to match my new bandanna cap. > I ask because I finally got my ass to a beauty supply store last night > and got to see Manic Panic up close. Electric Lava was sold out, Always is, because I go from store to store cleaning them out. > but the hair sample left on the shelf showed that it has a multitonal > effect, and it knocked my socks off. The fluorescent orange fades pretty fast, which is why you get that nice streaky effect. > I still covet the blues but I don't think my new job would let me go that > far with my hair. Maybe maroon. Vampire Red will give you a burgundy. Pillarbox Red is a bright red but you could mix a tiny amount of Raven (black) in with it to darken it. > > And the best part is that I got the orange bright enough that > > it matches the flames on my leather tieback bandanna cap. > > The best part of my hair is that the dark ash blonde matches my shoes! > Sigh. Boring sucks. So I was outside the bar hanging out with the smokers, while I was dressed in my leathers with the flamin' pirate cap, and this big-haired little wound-up lady posed herself on the edge of the curb and went into this long rant about how she wanted us to accept Jeeeezus into our lives because she loved us and didn't want our immortal souls to go to Hell. I appreciated her concern for the wellbeing of imaginary parts of our bodies in her cosmology, but she didn't seem to have any inclination to go away after the crowd had been completely ignoring her for a long while. Clearly a zinger was called for. I started running through hecklisms in my mind. Possibilities I rejected included "Less yappin', more slappin'!" and "You want us to listen to you, you gotta get better shoes, girlfriend!" Eventually I settled on just fixing my gaze on her momentarily while making the simple declarative statement, "WORST. DOMINATRIX. EVER!" She left. So, anyway, Stacia, it's not whether the color of your hair matches your shoes, it's whether your hair is taller than your heels. -- K. It's known as the Shatner rule. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new hair color (again), yawn. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:11:05 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] then I dyed it bright orange with a mix of fluorescent > > orange dye and fluorescent yellow dye, so that the color is in > > layers -- orange over gold over black, which results in a really > > boss flame-colored mottling. > > My dear Kibo, > I understand completely that you don't want to be photographed > and that you probably can't on account of the camera lens > would show only a huge grilled cheese sandwich with your image > on it but here in my black and white world of limited imagination, > the inability to see properly see these colors is driving me crazy. Then get your butt over to Hair Chemical Warehouse or wherever you buy whatever sorts of acids and bases you make fight little wars across your scalp and follow my recipe. Don't expect to be rewarded by knowing what color my hair is if you're too lazy to do a simple chemistry experiment involving noxious reagents and your face. Oh, and you'll need to grow a beard first. > (And I won't go crazy quietly and all by myself I'll take everyone > with me,just so you know.) I already did that. And please step to the back of the bus and make room for people carrying the large boxes of candy people are supposed to bring but forget to take home when the ride my bus. > Let it be on your head! Sorry, there are already several other things on my head. I think one of them's tritium. > I cannot visualize these colors properly as they should > be viewed [...] Do not view Kibo directly. Exposure to Kibo may cause blindness, impotence, insanity, death, implosive diarrhea, purple jaundice, or the Cymbeline blood-burn. Do not take Kibo internally, seriously, or to any museum which has "DO NOT LICK" signs on every painting. No refunds, no givebacks, no tickee, no shirtee, no cheese. Do not turn the page until instructed to do so. -- K. I can't wait until I'm old enough to buy a toupee so I can make my hair look really weird. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating tips for guys on alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:12:12 -0500 Faceless Man (anome@mac.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Or at any rate there was an "Adult Store" that was giving away free > fireworks with porn around Cracker Night last year. Or maybe it was > free porn with fireworks. One of those. If there was ever a need for a "NOT FOR INTERNAL USE" sign for morons, that was the day. I've never been to a Cracker Night party. Do they put out dips, or just three boxes of crackers? And isn't the $15 cover charge a rip-off? -- K. "WARNING: PORN MAY NOT MAKE YOU SMARTER" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: calling the good taste police Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:13:21 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I don't know why people suddenly become interested in a disease > > only when a relative has it, while they could not care less about other > > diseases. It's selfish. > > Because there are so many diseases out there, that if we stopped and > took time to care about every single one of them, even on an annual > basis, our heads would implode. There are enough kinds of cancer > to fill up at least a few months of that. Are you crazy? There are only three kinds of cancer: cancer in the top half of the body, cancer in the bottom half of the body, and cancer of the dividing line. And one of those isn't worth caring about, so there are really only two. Or one, if you only care about the half that eats. > When was the last time you raised funds for Hermansky-Pudlak Syndrome? > Yes, it's a real disease; I've met people who have it. I'd be > surprised if you knew about it. And, even if you knew about it, I > wouldn't blame you for putting some other disease ahead of it on > your priorities list, especially if a relative of yours had that > disease. Did Hermansky marry Pudlak just because they had the same disease in order to get a quantity discount on whatever weird type of between-the-toes disposable syringe Hermansky-Pudlakians have to use in order to keep from exploding? > It's not up to each individual to take on every problem in the planet. > We pick the ones most significant to our lives. With luck, there's > enough people surrounding each problem that they all get addressed. My problem is that I'm surrounded by idiots! -- K. I'm completely surrounded! They've outwitted me again! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:14:44 -0500 [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > we could be a kibological sit-com, where, instead of people > misinterpretting what they accidentally hear, they deliberatly > misinterpret everything they're told. also, YOUR IDEA SUCKS > interrupt. YOUR IDEA IS GREAT AND I SUPPORT IT AND I AM THE STAR > you'd have half "normal" people and half kibologists. maybe > this would be at a college ("Kibo U") and the kibologists would > be a bunch of nerds who form their own fraternity (like that > one movie) and constantly have hijinks involving the campus > jocks. the jocks would refer to the kibologists as "trolls". But who would get to be the crusty but loveable hardass dean and who would be the psychotic ROTC drill instructor and who would be the diseased, coughing lunch lady and who would be the guy who's never "gotten" "laid"? > each episode, the focus would be on one of the jocks getting > involved in yet another madcap kibologist prank and would have > very marx-brothers-esque conversations where two kibologists > would badger the jock from both sides with rapidfire repartee > and nonsequiturs. I call dibs on being the bad cop. Or the guy who pretends to be the good cop but is really waiting for the "bad" cop to leave the room so that he can really get medieval. Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, especially as my dean would be the crustiest character ever -- he'd even wear a deep-fried pork-pie hat. > the important thing is to figure out how to work DISHONESTY into > the show, somehow. because all sitcoms depend on dishonesty. it's > not just the "Three's Company" formula. consider the following: > > 1) two characters pretend to be each other (sometimes, they're > actual identical twins.) this happened in a couple "Three's > Company" episodes, as well as one episode of "The Brady Bunch" > (Pete found an identical twin to doubledate with, then wound > up dating two chyxxx at once.) also, two episodes of "Friends" > (Phoebe's sister uses her name as her porn name, Rachel and > Monica pretend to be each other.) this is a popular formula > in any sitcom with young single people. Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop pretending to be the bad cop and the bad cop pretending to be the good cop and the crusty dean pretending to be a new freshman in order to secretly infiltrate that rambunctious fraternity. > 2) character hides a mistake to avoid punishment or ridicule. > very popular in sitcoms with kid characters (Pete Brady breaks > mom's vase) or two characters who are dating each other (Ross > sleeps with a copy gurl while he's on a break.) Every episode would be split into two half-hour shows. The first one would be the sitcom, and the second one would be the punishment. > 3) character lies about accomplishments, job, etc. EXAMPLE: every > single "Seinfeld" episode feature George Costanza. George was > quite possibly the funniest character in any sitcom, ever, > because his whole personality was based on lies, without his > being the "sleazy liar" archetype a la John Laroquette's > character in "Night Court". Okay, I call dibs on being the good cop lying about whether he's only pretending to be the bad cop or is really the bad cop pretending to not be pretending he's the good cop. What did I say? > 4) character hides true feelings from a love interest. this is > the whole "romantic tension" theory behind "Moonlighting", > "Cheers", "Friends", etc. Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > hell, the whole PREMISE of "Three's Company" is based on a lie: > Jack Tripper tells the Ropers he's gay so he can live with two > women. because, inexplicable, he can somehow be evicted if he's > living with a woman he's not married to. in BIZARRO CALIFORNIA, > apparently, where people are actually highly moral and never have > premarital sex. I call dibs on telling Jack Black I'm straight so I can move in with him. -- K. Also, I get to keep all the free fried food that will fit on my head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 02:13:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on a.r.k as a hilarious sitcom, which it should be] > > > > Come to think of it, I should be both cops and the crusty but > > loveable dean. It would be easy to tell my three characters apart, > > You just faked breaking your leg so you wouldn't have to play Slim > Pickens, didn't you? Aw, c'mon! I wanna ride the bomb that destroys the world! > > Hey, is Jack Black going to be in this? > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in Cronenberg's "Crash". Whereas on our sitcom, my fourth character would be "Vaughn" in "Melrose Heights 902102402". And my fifth would be a robot. But that's beside the point. Who or what was this "Aqualung" character? IMDB.com knows the name of every character Elias Koteas played (Butch, Colt, The Kisser, Bugger, Jesus, etc.) and none of them's "Aqualung". In fact, IMDB says there has never been an "Aqualung" in any character in any movie or TV series of ViewMaster reel in all of history throughout the Universe with liberty and justice for all. Google also claims nobody has ever used the words "Elias Koteas" and "Aqualung" on the same page (until today.) Are you sure you didn't mistype "Quasimodo"? It's possible, they both have a "q"... they both even have a "u" after the "q". Coincidence... or hunchback? -- K. "I would think I'd accomplished it all if I could get to play Quasimodo." -- Elias Koteas, quoted on IMDB.com ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Underwear dreams (was: sitcoms) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:17:36 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The only underwear dream I remember involved going to church in my > tighty-whiteys, (Cue Groucho Marx) > only to discover that there was a carousel in the back of the chapel. > Embarasment concerning public underwearation is much diminished by > riding a carousel during the sermon! Were you yelling "YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!" while riding it? Because if so, that would make you cool. If not, that would make you weird and creepy. > All you docturbs OF PSYCHO-THERAPY! may now explain why Wiblur is all > mental and stuff. I prefer explaining to doctors why I'm all mental and stuff just to watch them cringe. And, oh yeah, I have perfectly legitimate excuses for being in the mood I'm in right now. -- K. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:13:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > This is most unpleasant. I'm going to have bad dreams tonight, > > > I just know it. > > > > The one where you are walking around the school in your underwear or the > > one where you're the only one who doesn't know there is a "Major Test" > > that day? > > The "Major Test" dream never happens to me, because I can usually squeak > through a test without too much humiliation. [...] See, Stacia, those of us who are used to doing _well_ on tests, we're the ones who have nightmares about failing to prepare for them. You'll never know the joy of dreaming about flunking. > And the underwear one, well, my underwear figures into almost all the > embarassing incidents I had in high school. I became so immune to > underwear humiliation that when our theatre teacher demanded we all do > something embarassing to break the ice, I took off my bra in front of the > class. Under my shirt, of course. Tossed it on my desk and said, "Next". > The teacher then demanded I do something that would actually embarass me. I hope you said "You know, it's really embarassing to have to bring a sexual-harassment lawsuit against my seventh favorite teacher..." > I was forced to read a note I wrote when I was 12 about who I had a crush > on. That sucked. I would have rather taken off more clothes. > I like stories. Stories are better than crushes. Crushes hurt. Stories only hurt Spot. Poor Spot! He had a crush on an egg! And when he hugged it to show how much he loved it, he crushed it! "Waah!" cried Spot, "I don't like this new type of story that has me be in emotional pain instead of simple physical pain!" And then he realized he forgot to study for the test and he was wearing Stacia's bra, and then he woke up, and rolled over, and crushed the egg he was sleeping with. The End. -- K. Couldn't you have just _acted_ embarrassed to placate your sadistic drama teacher? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:25:32 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > If you get Jack Black, then I get Elias Koteas as "Aqualung". > > > > I don't know who she is. Oh, wait, Elias Koteas played "Vaughan" in > > Cronenberg's "Crash". > > He was Harlan in "Novocaine", too. A much better film in my opinion, > although "Crash" had the most plot I've ever seen in a soft core Cinemax > pornie. Holly Hunter was about as sexually attractive as cottage cheese, > though. The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. Without all the sex, it just becomes this fragmentary thing -- a soft-core porn film without the porn. The reason many studios bring out separate R and unrated editions of movies (especially crappy teen comedies) is that Blockbuster will only carry the R ones, and theaters will only play the R ones, but sales go up if they bring out two discs for retailers to stock. But what does Blockbuster do in the case of "Crash", where the R and NC-17 versions are on the same disc? Do they scratch up the part of the disc that has the porn version? Or do they just not carry the film? (There was a period where Blockbuster's whitelist refused to include a lot of films that they just considered too disturbing, such as "Brazil" or anything with a gay theme, and if that policy were still in effect you bet your bippy they'd never carry any version of "Crash", not even an airline edit on VHS -- Blockbuster actually used to pass off censored versions of PG and R films as the originals on VHS.) Anyway, "Novocaine" is in my stack of discs to watch, right between "Secretary" and "Rex The Runt". All I know about it is that it's one of the eight films where Steve Martin plays a sadistic dentist or doctor. I sure hope he doesn't sing in this one. Then again, could be worse, Blockbuster could edit together the Steve Martin musical version of "Little Shop Of Horrors" with the Jack Nicholson non-musical version and make Jack Nicholson sing, and if you've ever seen "Tommy" you know that Mr. Nicholson has almost less musical ability than I do. > [...] > > > Coincidence... or hunchback? > > Leave it to Kibo to invent a fabulous new parlor game in mere seconds. What other famous people think they should have been hunchbacks? Andy Dick? -- K. (Blue Meanie voice) Guy Lombardo? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula. Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:51:08 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The NC-17 edit of "Crash" is a lot better than the R-rated edit, > > because the sex is really integral to the experience of that film. > > I understand that the sex was integral to the film. But I didn't feel > enough time was spent on the reason they were having sex. Dude, grownups have sex because they like having sex. There, I just explained half the movies in the world. > [...] > Part of the problem is that I expected the film to shock me. I don't > shock easily anymore, apparently. I don't think I've been shocked since "Un Chien Andalou". And that was before I was born. After I was born, I was all "Yeah, so, what else ya got?" By kindergarten, it was "Yeah, he's big, he's a bird, is the combination supposed to be special?" > "Ichi The Killer" managed to surprise me, maybe "One Hour Photo" > to a degree, but that's about it. "One Hour Photo" didn't surprise me at all, because it was a fascinating documentary about my real life. (I don't know why they cast Mork as me, but it worked once he got his hands into the photo chemicals.) "Ichi The Killer" did actually startle me a little because it contained one or two things I haven't done in real life, though lately I have been drooling over the little packets of surgical steel fishhooks down at the store. > [...] > > For everyone who cares, this is my marathon movie list for next weekend: > > 1. Sweet Sweetbacks Baadasssss Song (1971) > 2. Starsky & Hutch (2004) > 3. Can't Stop the Music (1980) Why not watch them in the opposite order? That way if "Can't Stop The Music" makes you die from terminal lameness you won't have to rent the other two, a savings that will give you something to feel good about while the Steve Guttenberg movie kills you. > I'd like to add the original "Rollerball" to that, but I'll save it for > when "The Kansas City Bomber" is released on DVD. The real "Rollerball" is a great film. The remake "Rollerball" is actually worse than "Can't Stop The Music", though in a completely different direction. A double feature of "Can't Stop The Music" and the re-"Rollerball" would be so bad it would kill everyone within a 500-mile radius of your DVD player. -- K. I love re-enacting scenes from movies I've enjoyed, but the problem now is that I liked "Battle Royale", and even though I'm sure I can get a track suit I don't know how to set up the rest of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: creepy movies (was: Beating "Three's Company", or, The Plus Side of Formula.) Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 06:41:28 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't think I've been shocked since "Un Chien Andalou". And that > > was before I was born. After I was born, I was all "Yeah, so, what > > else ya got?" By kindergarten, it was "Yeah, he's big, he's a bird, > > is the combination supposed to be special?" > > I was scared by the dog in the never ending story. When I was 5. I > have never been brave enough to watch it again. "The Neverending Story" didn't come out until I was way too old to entertain the thought of seeing anything with a title as obviously fraudulent. However, last year I did see "The Neverending Story 3", which was an incredible piece of crap, and I spent the whole movie wondering why none of the kids was smart enough to notice that the school bully had a huge bald spot because Jack Black was about twenty years too old to play a teen. I kept praying for him to find a way to make the bad movie amusing for even one minute -- which he actually managed to do in the case of "Run, Ronnie, Run" -- but no, "The Neverending Story 3" contained nothing, nil, zip for him to do. > I also thought "puff the magic dragon" was about a dragon named Puff. I grew up in that era where folk music had moved from being solely the province of protesting hippies to the default form of children's music, so I was forced to suffer through hearing "Puff The Magic Dragon" many times, and yes, they made us sing "Where Have All The Flowers Gone" in kindergarten at least once a month. The Seventies sucked, especially musically. Consider that the high point of Seventies music was the invention of disco! At the moment the tedious Al Pacino movie "Cruising" (1980, technically still part of the Seventies 'cause there was no Year Zero) is on my TV and whenever he goes to the leather bar, they can't play disco music, that would be too cool for this really insipid movie, it's stuff like leftover pre-disco folk music. Nowadays, of course, those bars would all be playing atonal techno music consisting of 280 beats per minute interrupted by three-second grinding noises. (bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbump RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR bumpbumpbumpbump!) When is there going to be a period in human history where pop music doesn't suck to high heaven? This worthless movie also has another Seventies-style defect: It was shot entirely on location, so all the dialogue was dubbed in later, with the sort of primitive Seventies ADR that makes the actors sound like they're phoning in their lines from Apollo 13 via tin cans tied to a Twizzler. The phoned-in quality of the performances combines with the total lack of lip-sync to ruin any dramatic realism the dialogue about "coke-suckers" and "clock-soakers" might have. (And I swear that one of the male prostitutes in the movie refers to one of the bars as "The Ramhole", probably 'cause the filmmakers got confused about whether The Manhole was supposed to be The Ram Rod or vice versa.) I want thirtysomething teenage Jack Black to show up and give everyone in this excruciating movie an atomic wedgie. Or Dave Thomas could grind them into square hamburgers. Oh, god, now Pacino is cruising to the sounds of flamenco guitar. Why did Dave Thomas ever even bother referencing this movie on "SCTV"? It's not worth mentioning in any way! Stop reading about it! To sum up, folk music sucks, techno music sucks, and I want to get this movie the hell out of my TiVo. It feels longer than "The Neverending Story". -- K. This movie makes "S1M0NE" seem like an unforgettable classic. How many bombs can Pacino pack into one career? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Was. Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:15:50 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: 100 Most Recent Postings. Feb. 5, 2005. > > From time to time I check out google.com to see what people are > saying about me. I do have a high Ego and am concerned what > is said about me. You should hire a ghostwriter. I'm available. -- K. And concise. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:17:14 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > A nearby vendor really liked the pirate hat. Since said vendor has > saved our bacon on numerous occasions, we let him own it. > > This vendor is not the rude gay vendor. So I hope you didn't let him also get his hands on your little fireman's hat. Also, what do you mean by "bacon"? -- K. The first time I wore my pirate bandanna, it left black marks on my forehead that just didn't want to wash off. I see a market for pirate hats that give free semi-temporary tattoos. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My pirate hat is GONESD! Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:20:28 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I did not sell it to him, I gave it to him. Don't change the subject -- we were talking about hats! > He does not know the hat's origins. "Well, first the Earth cooled..." Seriously, Lots, good for you -- you've gotten more entertainment out of that one pirate hat than even a chimp could have. However, I'm hoping to catch up (or at least advance to the rank of Double Chimp) now that I have a far better pirate hat. Does anyone else on this newsgroup have a pirate hat? And if so, can we fight to see which one of us has to buy the drinks? -- K. I could get you a replacement pirate hat. How small is your head? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newbie sticks his nose into the tent Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:21:45 -0500 [in tribute to Jack Curry, who was only with us a short time] dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I only wish he'd been on ARK longer.He made me think of food. I have an announcement. The moment I die, the word "bacon" will be replaced by "Kibo" so that my death will make you think of bacon, and vice versa. Of course, now I might never die, as from now on, fanatical bacon fans will be protecting me in order to preserve the true name of bacon. But I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by renaming bacon after myself. I mean, that guy who wrote Shakespeare's plays did the same thing. -- K. I HEART BACON but also I HEART HEARTS but only the ones ground up in those frozen breaded "veal" patties I like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My D-Ray Candidates for February Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:22:22 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Benny Hinn is this faith healer-slash-mongolian-chef who slaps people with > his jacket, unless I'm confusing him with another violent faith healer. Hmm, should I become a faith healer? Though I do hate taking my heavy leather jacket off... maybe I should wear another one under it? Also, you're confusing Benny Hinn with Belly Hill, who heals people by slapping them on top of the head hundreds of times in fast motion. -- K. Could I instead be a faith sickener? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review:Million Dollar Baby Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2005 19:23:33 -0500 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I couldn't understand the last fight scene. > It looked like the Blue Bear got counted out to ten > and then they put the stool in the ring. > Nobody puts a stool in the ring after a ten count. Eww. Lowercase Pete, please never again write poems about your collection of German "Kaviar" videos. Also, please make them rhyme. The poems you're not writing, not the videos you're watching. Ick! -- K. Can't you watch something wholesome, like that "Mr. Rogers" episode where he shows how to start a fire? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: British government falsely jailed, film at 11 Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:30:36 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [www.reuters.com] > -> > -> Three decades after being falsely jailed for detonating IRA bombs > -> at English pubs, the British government apologized on Wednesday to > -> 11 people in one of the nation's worst miscarriages of justice. > > Reuters is a respected British institution whose world-class editors > understand every nuance of expository writing in English, so I can > only conclude this sentence means what it seems to mean. Sometimes I try to go an entire day believing everyone means what they say. But then I realize that most people are idiots and I'm back to being my happy self. Hey, look! The TV news just said a million and a half people did something! It makes me feel good to believe they didn't actually saw a guy in half in front of the Orange Julius stand at the mall just to make that news story true! > If only we in the USA had the courage. I could really go for an Orange Julius right now. Where's my chainsaw? -- K. Mmm, human smoothie. You can tell I'm having a bad day whenever I fantasize about murder and cannibalism or worse, actually paying for an Orange Julius product. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo is a nitwit! Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:36:42 -0500 cl (cluna@midsouth.rr.com) wrote: > > [...] > > ...and then the brawny nurse with a gruff voice enters the room. She has > in her hand a plastic cup with a mix of pharmaceuticals and a paper cup > full of water. Do you: > > A) take the pills like a good boy only to realize they are raspberry Pez I'm not even going to read the other choices because if raspberry Pez really existed, I'd critically injure myself just to go to your hospital for some raspberry Pez. Razzleberry is my favorite candy flavor. The dark reddish-purple kind, not the blue kind (though it's pretty good too.) Black is in between. You know that lavender raspberry ice cream from Friendly's (made by Sealtest)? That's the flavor raspberry Pez would be, though color-wise they'd be a little more of a burgundy. I WANT THEM NOW!!! MUST HAVE RASPBERRY PEZ!!! -- K. Green tea Pez would also be nice to have. Or lime. But not both, because kids couldn't handle there being two shades of green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 16:56:58 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I see 400 post in a row . > Some one walks. > I want a JOB for it. > Im not plaiming the dumbass this time. Then what are you whatevering, dumbass? > YEA you see me dumb fuck. Worst Tarzan impression ever! > CLEAN HOUSE TODAY OR ILL HAVE YOU CLEANING on your way out. > The next gets the task you get tagged. > IF I fire your stupid ass nd tag it will look like when your tired of > your job you start sabotoge . > ILL SUE YOU FUCKING BLUE DUDE You misspelled "SUCK". Here, have some Altoids. > ILLtag evry check you get fr the rest of your life. > because of YOU 7 % of the ng base has left. > YOU are sabotoging my investments. > I have 11 billion in the net and you damaged a pice of it. > I want compesation and you are FIRED. Gee, that's too bad, Lowercase TJ. Because I have 12 billion in the net. Also I have an IQ of 13 billion and I'm 14 billion feet tall and you're wearing your underwear backwards. -- K. "I'm not plaiming the dumbass": HERE COMES A MEME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:38:41 -0500 In one of six sci.physics articles apparently responding to something I said, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kibbo rad the fucking thing =BF=BF > what a duzt. You misspelled "jeenyus". > I bet he counts cars too. Aww. No need to get jealous, Lowercase TJ. Someday someone will teach you what comes after "2". > ahy kibbo.. > wana play with $ 10,000,000 in real cold hard cash ??? > we can play "" load da bote "" with real ships and real banks and > real trades kiboooo. > Do you have a billion bucks kibooooo ? > lets se if your pee ass brain can handle 10 millin bucks by friday . I stopped buying pee ass brain years ago. Now I only buy St. Joseph's orange ass brain. It's chewable ass brain, but I can still pee it afterwards. > are you in or out. > Ill slap 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons .. > lets load 20,000 tons on a ship and see if you can handle making 10 mil > in profit this week. > put your brain where your mouth is. Sure. But first, put your mouth where my dick is. > we will use the import export bank of the united states of america for > your CIF deal. > If you have the nerve ,,lets do it for real. > lets see if you can make 50 cents a pound on 20,000 tons . > its chump change ,, > I dropped 150 million in here lets make it 170. > or can you handle 2 million ? > 2 or 20 pick one . > Then Ill post the buyer the seller boath prices duties and cif and the > person at the bank. > All you have to do is have the fucking balls to pick the phone up 3 > times. > take me 1 hour So each time, it takes you twenty minutes to dial? Wow. You're a duzt, whatever that is. A big phlezofiglic rota-duzt. -- K. You're even more of a duzt than Esther Spork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 03:01:50 -0500 In sci.physics, apparently replying to me, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Tomarrow then Ill post the 10 mil you lost. > you were 3 phone calls from 10 millin bucks. Sorry, you'd have to pay me more than $10,000,000 to take even one phone call from you. There's not enough money in the world to get me to listen to you three times. > next time I shove a few mil under your chin you better wise up and > take the money fool. > I dont hand out 10 mil evry day ..just once a week. > Do you know Im over here in solomon islands because they nead enouph > electric for 300,000 people ?? non plubiciesed ..dont like cameras. > 2,5 mil gift to solomon electric. > and a nice 100,000 a year for some one. > I gave way 100 million this year so far. > I still taded and made 150 million and still sold 3 million logs. Yes, you are still taded. Also, you spilled custad on your leotad. > I made over 2 billion this year. > I would have made good on the 10 mil trade deal. 3 phone calls would > have put 10 mil in your account. > Im 50 and dont care how much I make or give away ..22 billion is a > chunk of cash on top of 12 bulkers and 3 millin acres. > You think Im nutz because Im not english . I didn't say you weren't English. I said you weren't human. And even space aliens can speak English. Haven't you ever seen a documentary titled "Space: 1999"? > I dont do what the TV says I do. > The media dont know me. > I wount let the media know me. > I like my freedom. > BUT your a sad poor broke sob. > yer physics sucks and I got my PHD in ussr. Uh huh. Frankly, I don't think you're even a BHA in BVDs -- a half-naked Carl Sagan running around stoned would be more coherent than you. > How stupid can you be ? $10,000,000 worth Don't worry, I'm not done yet. Keep your checkbook out. -- K. I've been contributing to America's Grossly Stupid National Product since 1967. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ep 400 post some one is FIRED Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:40:02 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Yah ,,kibboo > I sold da big red bote. > Yup I sold the 245 foot ice breaker and got me a 500 footer 14000 ton. > You rember the big red bote !! Oh, the one that was the red shade of invisible. What color of invisible is the new one? Four-dimensional polka-dotted with cinnamon swirls? > The ice breaking castel at sea with 2 million in yachts on its deck for > a life boat. > You remeber the imaginary boat as you put it !! The " one of a kind > big red bote."" > I sold it.. the imaginary as you put it.. > BUT KIBOOOO > How many ice breakers are a billionaires yacht and how many of them > are giants ??? > Only 1 ,,there cant be two. Yeah, the Universe isn't big enough to hold two of your imaginary yachts. > 2 pages. > you gotta see page 2. > ask ,,Ill show you the engine room and bridge too. Ask nice Ill > show yoou my new ship. I put 250 million in the new ships deckhouse. > went up to alaska and picked up 4 tons of platinum went and picked up > 3 ship loads of nickle ..200 million bucks a load stuff. I don't think you could even pick up _a_ nickel. You'd probably run away screaming from the scary-looking portrait of Thomas Jefferson on it. It's eerie how it seems like his eyes are following your imaginary boat around the room! > The crew go 10s of mils in bonus. Dude, just because the 10-mil plastic bag they came in said "CREW SOCKS" doesn't mean they're qualified to steer your imaginary yacht to the Moon and back or wherever you're flying it to today. It can fly, right? All the better imaginary yachts can, so I hope you didn't just get one of those ones that you have to hang from a left-handed skyhook. > the ship picked up a billion bucks in 5 months. > I pull up to a wreck 20 to 50 years old and unload it like it was at > the dock. > even if its 2500 - 10,000 feet down. > > > > besides the fact there cant be two .. > Google Image Result for http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg > Address:http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eliteyacht.com/giant.htm&h=263&w=390&sz=18&tbnid=eZ3qEAk65D4J:&tbnh=80&tbnw=118&start=6&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgiant%2Byacht%2B%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26ie%3DUTF-8%26c2coff%3D1 Uh huh. Then how do you explain this? http://www.mistupid.com/games/conecrazy.htm -- K. Go ahead, see if you can outsmart those dunce caps. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:58:37 -0500 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. I am also sadly uninjured. > Miss the buzz. Let's start a fight club. What's a good night for you? -- K. I promised to cook dinner for a friend and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables so I asked what vegetables he'd like me to use and he said "lots of watercress" so I took him all the way across town to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found fresh watercress and he said "That's not watercress, watercress is little round white things" so I bought him a can of water chestnuts without teasing him about it mercilessly, because I am a good person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:20:48 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I promised to cook dinner for a friend > > and he wanted spicy stir-fried vegetables > > so I asked what vegetables he'd like me > > to use and he said "lots of watercress" > > so I took him all the way across town > > to the Super 88 Supermarket and we found > > fresh watercress and he said "That's > > not watercress, watercress is little > > round white things" so I bought him a > > can of water chestnuts without teasing > > him about it mercilessly, because I am > > a good person. > > You are so NOT a good person. As if. Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts in my mere presence. > I'm not sure how to feel about this anecdote. On one hand, I was a > little icked out by the idea of spicy stir-fried watercress, so I'm happy > to find out the guy wanted water chestnuts. Much tastier. Still, water > chestnuts come in cans which are clearly labelled as such, so how can you > mistakenly call them cress instead of chestnuts? Watercress would probably come out well if stir-fried in spicy sauce. I've had other bitter green leafy things prepared that way (Chinese broccoli leaves and so forth) not to mention every sort of canned "greens" sold in the soul-food aisle of my neighborhood supermarket. Anyway, he said the yu shiang vegetables and curried rice pilaf were excellent. Because we bought so many vegetables, I used the extra ones to make beef stew the next day, and he loved it although he had previously expressed concern that it might not come out as yummy as his favorite, Dinty Moore canned beef stew. It's fun to cook for people who have never tasted actual food. > I'm torn. If you're going to be Rip Torn, I want to be Jon Stewart. Together we can gang up on Garry Shandling and his sidekick, Dr. Phil. And then we can go into hiding when the show gets remade with World's Boredest John Cleese. -- K. Now admit I'm a good person or I'll jab you with a syringe full of Dinty Moore beef slime. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:30:11 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nuh-uh. I am gooder than ice cream. I am so good that ice cream melts > > in my mere presence. > > I believe this theory is cursed. It would imply that I am a good person, > which is WAY WRONG, and also that I am a worse person when I'm in a walk-in > freezer, which is ALSO WAY WRONG because I am always on my best behavior in > walk-in freezers, since I don't want the Marines to shut the door and force > me to argue my way out, which I am not good at since I did not study > aikido. Is there an Internet acronym for "Please Stop Turning Me On"? 'Cause I'm not dressed just yet and I suddenly have an urge to put on my Marine Corps Freezer Police uniform. Also I know Venusian Aikido. Fun fact: I couldn't remember whether Jon Pertwee advocated Venusian or Martian Aikido, so when I searched for both in Google, I found far more hits on "Martian Aikido" because a lot of bozos write pages saying "Aikido is my favorite martian art." They don't know that Aikido is from Venus, bee-guns are from Mars. Currently my favorite flavor of ice cream is Haagen-Dazs Tres Leches (I'm not going to bother with all the faux diacritic marks or even the real one in the Spanish half of that name) which is coconut with chunks of white cake. It's not as good as the Golden Banana from Chatta Box, but it's still a nice coconut ice cream. I also like their fake Creme Brulee flavored "custard-style" runny ice cream and their Cherry Vanilla. And Friendly's (Sealtest's) Black Raspberry, which is lavender instead of the correct black. I gave up on Ben & Jerry's because all their flavors contain at least three different types of rock-hard lumps with razor-sharp jagged edges. It's wrong for them to try to make my tongue bleed just so they can pretend their ice cream comes with raspberry sauce. -- K. I should go over to Chinatown and get some green tea ice cream. Mmm, green. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: More doctors grubbing around inside me Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:16:21 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Sadly, I need almost no pain pills now. > > > > Miss the buzz. > > Dear Miss Marie Thebuzz, > > I've heard tell that some 'doctors' can write 'prescriptions' for > 'pain pills', with no questions asked. You can get all the buzz > you want, and the only downside is social ostracism, penury, and > possibly death! Dear Brain Eatable, I can think of about forty-seven better ways to get the "buzz" than from stupid little pills. Most are cheaper, too, unless you have to hire a lawyer afterwards. Some are even free, especially if your rent includes free electricity. In my view, you shouldn't have to spend money in order to pass out halfway through "Yellow Submarine". (You should only have to pay for a movie if you're conscious through 100% of it, otherwise it counts as seeing a trailer and those are free.) DVD players should have a way to make the movie play backwards (at normal speed, with audio) so that you dopers could enjoy the other half of "Yellow Submarine". Also, they should release the other half of "Tank Girl" because I sure didn't enjoy the part of the movie they released. -- K. Sadly, I need almost no raspberry Pez now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2005 23:07:10 -0500 [Did you already read this? Too bad. I had to repost it to correct a horrible mistake which ruined it the first time you read it so now you have to read the whole thing all over again.] The New York Times, having already reported on every single foreign "bus plunge" and every case of a wealthy socialite wrongly denied a zoning variance, brings us this enlightening article to inform us that evil exists -- and yet scientists can't see evil with a microscope. [www.nytimes.com] -> -> For the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be 'Evil' -> By Benedict Carey -> -> Predatory killers often do far more than commit murder. Some -> have lured their victims into homemade chambers for prolonged -> torture. Others have exotic tastes -- for vivisection, sexual -> humiliation, burning. Many perform their grisly rituals as -> much for pleasure as for any other reason. -> -> Among themselves, a few forensic scientists have taken to -> thinking of these people as not merely disturbed but evil. -> Evil in that their deliberate, habitual savagery defies any -> psychological explanation or attempt at treatment. I guess the word "psychopath" is too hard for scientists to spell these days. And "sadistic" got bogarted by all sorts of people such as movie critics for wildly inappropriate uses, i.e. "this movie is sadistic" means "I watched this movie and it was awful therefore I must be a masochist therefore this movie must have forced me to watch it against my will." -> Most psychiatrists assiduously avoid the word evil, -> contending that its use would precipitate a dangerous slide -> from clinical to moral judgment that could put people on -> death row unnecessarily Right! We should never put people on death row for being evil! We should only put them on death row for being sick! -> and obscure the understanding of violent criminals. MEMO TO ALL THE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD: YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE BAD PEOPLE. TRULY EVIL PEOPLE DO THINGS WITHOUT A REASON. People don't commit crimes because they watched the wrong movies, played the wrong video games, or ate the wrong Twinkies. Some people are just bad people and we will never, ever understand why a human being could do something as evil as making a bad movie, let alone gunning down everyone in a Fuddrucker's. -> Still, many career forensic examiners say their work forces -> them to reflect on the concept of evil, and some acknowledge -> they can find no other term for certain individuals they have -> evaluated. -> -> In an effort to standardize what makes a crime particularly -> heinous, a group at New York University has been developing -> what it calls a depravity scale, which rates the horror of an -> act by the sum of its grim details. The New Math keeps getting weirder. First all the scientists in the world tried to switch us to using Base Twelve and metric, and now they want us to get new calculators with special buttons that can add up depravity. DEPRAVITY CONVERSION SCALE: 1 murder = 4 attempted murders 1 attempted murder = 15 armed bank heists 1 armed bank heist = 20 incidences of cheating in Scrabble tournaments 1 Scrabble cheat = 4 incidences of meowing at a chained dog 1 meowing at dog = 6 intentional farts 1 intentional fart = 3 unintentional farts 1 unintentional fart = 2 unintentional belches 1 unintentional belch = 4 misspellings 1 misspelling = 15 impure thoughts 1 impure thought = 12 pure thoughts 1 pure thought = 2 angels dancing on 1 pin -> And a prominent personality expert at Columbia University has -> published a 22-level hierarchy of evil behavior, derived from -> detailed biographies of more than 500 violent criminals. I need to get a copy of this hierarchy of evil, mainly so I can look up all my friends. I wonder how I can get my hands on it. Of course, the Catch-22 is that wondering which of the 22 levels you are is in itself evil, which bumps you up one notch, unless you're already at the top, in which case it renders the entire scale null and void and you have to go back to measuring evil by counting someone's tattoos. Let me see if I can come up with a 22-leevel hierarchy of evilitude: 1. evilness 2. badness 3. naughtiness 4. Andy Rooneyness 5. Jar Jar 6. hooliganism 7. rapscallionism 8. raprutabagaism 9. rap 10. Klingons 11. Romulans 12. hockey fights 13. food fights 14. people who hang the toilet paper the wrong way around so that your cat will unroll it 15. your cat unrolling it 16. your cat setting fire to it 17. some sort of automated wedgie-giving robot 18. Cookie Monster Nope, I can't think of more than 18 levels of evil. I guess that makes me bad. -> He is now working on a book urging the profession not to -> shrink from thinking in terms of evil when appraising certain -> offenders, even if the E-word cannot be used as part of an -> official examination or diagnosis. -> -> "We are talking about people who commit breathtaking acts, -> who do so repeatedly, who know what they're doing, and are -> doing it in peacetime" under no threat to themselves, said -> Dr. Michael Stone, the Columbia psychiatrist, who has -> examined several hundred killers at Mid-Hudson Psychiatric -> Center in New Hampton, N.Y., and others at Creedmoor -> Psychiatric Center in Queens, where he consults and teaches. -> "We know from experience who these people are, and how they -> behave," and it is time, he said, to give their behavior "the -> proper appellation." So if I strangled someone here while there was a war happening over there, would that be evil? 'Cause I would be "breathtaking" with extreme prejudice, but it would be during wartime which makes it okay, or something. I can't figure out this crazy psychiatrist. -> Western religious leaders, evolutionary theorists and -> psychological researchers agree that almost all human beings -> have the capacity to commit brutal acts, even when they are -> not directly threatened. In Dr. Stanley Milgram's famous -> electroshock experiments in the 1960's, participants -> delivered what they thought were punishing electric jolts to -> a fellow citizen, merely because they were encouraged to do -> so by an authority figure as part of a learning experiment. Yes, yes, Milgram's Obedience Experiment, I've read the paper, seen the film, got the home game. -> In the real world, the grim images coming out of Iraq -- the -> beheadings by Iraqi insurgents and the Abu Ghraib tortures, -> complete with preening guards -- suggest how much further -> people can go when they feel justified. Dude, everyone always feels justified all the time for everything they do. They wouldn't do it otherwise. Argh. Reading amateur philosophizing this inane makes me want to kill. -> In Nazi prisoner camps, as during purges in Kosovo and -> Cambodia, historians found that clerks, teachers, bureaucrats -> and other normally peaceable citizens committed some of the -> gruesome violence, apparently swept along in the kind of -> collective thoughtlessness that the philosopher Hannah Arendt -> described as the banality of evil. Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats and librarians could get violent, who would you think could? Here, New York Times, let me make your whole article much shorter and louder: YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT THE NAZIS ONLY RECRUITED HOCKEY PLAYERS UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> "Evil is endemic, it's constant, it is a potential in all of -> us. Just about everyone has committed evil acts," said -> Dr. Robert I. Simon, a clinical professor of psychiatry at -> Georgetown Medical School and the author of "Bad Men Do What -> Good Men Dream." But what do bad men dream about, other than new "Star Wars" prequels? -> Dr. Simon considers the notion of evil to be of no use to -> forensic psychiatry, in part because evil is ultimately in -> the eye of the beholder, shaped by political and cultural as -> well as religious values. The terrorists on Sept. 11 thought -> that they were serving God, he argues; those who kill people -> at abortion clinics also claim to be doing so. If the issue -> is history's most transcendent savages, on the other hand, -> most people agree that Hitler and Pol Pot would qualify. "Transcendent"? Between that and "breathtaking", I suddenly have an urge to commit a crime that will make the New York Times -- I am going to cross the street in a transcendently breathtaking jaywalk! -> "When you start talking about evil, psychiatrists don't know -> anything more about it than anyone else," Dr. Simon said. -> "Our opinions might carry more weight, under the patina or -> authority of the profession, but the point is, you can call -> someone evil and so can I. So what? What does it add?" Evil is blah blah blah blah patina blah blah blah blah bad. I wish I could be a psychiatrist so I could have a patina! All I have is an odor! -> Dr. Stone argues that one possible benefit of including a -> consideration of evil may be a more clear-eyed appreciation -> of who should be removed from society and not allowed back. -> He is not an advocate of the death penalty, he said. And his -> interest in evil began long before President Bush began using -> the word to describe terrorists or hostile regimes. YOU KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT GEORGE BUSH MADE UP THE WORD "EVIL" ALL BY HIMSELF UNTIL TODAY WHEN I AND I ALONE EXPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS!!! -> [...] -> -> Researchers have found that some people who commit violent -> crimes are much more likely than others to kill or maim -> again, and one way they measure this potential is with a -> structured examination called the psychopathy checklist. I hope they remembered to print at the bottom, "NOT TO BE USED AS A 'TO-DO LIST'". -> As part of an extensive, in-depth interview, a trained -> examiner rates the offender on a 20-item personality test. -> The items include glibness and superficial charm, grandiose -> self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and -> emotional vacuity. Hey! I'm not prone to boredom! Also, you forgot "incredibly handsome". -> [...] -> -> Dr. Angela Hegarty, director of psychiatry at Creedmoor who -> works with Dr. Stone, said she was skeptical of using the -> concept of evil but realized that in her work she found -> herself thinking and talking about it all the time. In 11 -> years as a forensic examiner, in this country and in Europe, -> she said, she counts four violent criminals who were so -> vicious, sadistic and selfish that no other word could -> describe them. Except "vicious". Or "sadistic". Or "selfish". -> One was a man who gruesomely murdered his own wife and young -> children and who showed more annoyance than remorse, more -> self-pity than concern for anyone else affected by the -> murders. On one occasion when Dr. Hegarty saw him, he was -> extremely upset -- beside himself -- because a staff attendant -> at the facility where he lived was late in arriving with a -> video, delaying the start of the movie. The man became -> abusive, she said: he insisted on punctuality. "Take your choice: punctuality or punch-you-ality." -> Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company Eh, what level of the International Scale Of All Evil Ever is it when someone quotes the New York Times without express written consent? -- K. Now let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the nature of evil -- is evil good, or is evil evil? Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:43:44 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > As a public service, I will now reveal the only difference in these two > posts aside from the added first paragraph of the second: > > On the 163 line of body text in the original article, M. Kibeau changed > "could" to "couldn't" resulting in this beauty of a wisecrack: > > > Well, if you were such a dink that you didn't think bureaucrats > > and librarians couldn't get violent, who would you think could? > > KIBO: MYSTERIOUS AND HARD TO PARSE SINCE BEFORE 1991! A-hem. Look again. You're in the Backwards Zone, ozob. I changed "couldn't" to "could" to correct a mistake in the Boolean logic of that sentence which somehow got past my syntax checker and blew out several circuit breakers across the Internet, plus three TiVos locked up and one microwave oven started flashing "13:00". You just made The List, buddy. The List Of People Who Do Stuff Backwards. THE WALL WILL BE THE LAST AGAINST YOU WHEN THE BIZARRO REVOLUTION COMES!!! -- K. Watch out for Bizarro Ronald McDonald. He tells you to go to Bizarro Burger King. Where all the food is yummy. Except the restraurant is always closed. And you have to pay them in hamburgers so you can eat money. And the money is zero- dollar bills with pictures of Hitler. And Hitler's a nice guy. But Bizarro Ronald McDonald is still just as evil as Regular Ronald McDonald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WARNING: Kingdom of Loathing Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 01:21:31 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Umbrella drinks now give 4 drunkeness instead of 3. > > -PapaSloth I'll stick to bottled spring water, thank you very much -- it's more manly. Drinks with umbrellas or curly straws or Legos in them are sissier than a Shirley Temple on a lace doily in the back seat of a pink Cadillac with Charles Nelson Reilly. Know what's a real manly drink? A Bloody Mary without the wimpy tomato juice. I like them without the vodka either. It must suck to be an umbrella. You have to sit there with your feet touching an ice cube -- Brr! -- and you spend all your time wondering why nobody ever puts umbrellas in soft, warm chocolate birthday cakes. Mmm, I'd like to stick my feet into a birthday cake right now. Know what I suddenly have a craving for? Orange juice. I'll have a non-alc screwdriver. And it better not be that goopy thick orange juice concentrate that's all fiber like they have over on Boylston Street. -- K. All I have here is powdered lemonade. Bleah. It's the all-synthetic-chemical drink that tastes even more like chemicals than an all-synthetic- chemical drink could. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: The Science of Science Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:13:11 -0500 In sci.physics, "Albert Wagner" (albertwagnerr@webtv.net) wrote: > > Hi I'm Albert Wagner a fucking worthless pice of shit . Call > dogfart send > sex free send > albertwagnercox.net > open =B6=B6=83=85=DF=86 > REJECT=86=86=E5=F8=F0 > Albert Wagner > amitures > send free > 189 send > Open > =84=AE=F8=86=F0=AA > REJECT > AAA > BBB > Stick ablerwagner@cox.net in evry hole. > conect these =8E=BA=9C=BE=F0=86 > free pages send > FREE PAGES CONNECT. > Send free > Enlarge albertwagnercox.net > Send sample > 507 Hey Lowercase TJ Frazir, Remember that scene in the "Star Trek" episode "Mirror, Mirror" where Spock explained that it was easier for Good Kirk to pretend to be Evil Kirk than it would be for a totally batshit insane chimpanzoid with a WebTV to pretend to be a person? Still, it's fascinating to see a schmo like you failing to even pretend to be a spammer pretending to be some random person you don't like. Sort of like a little window into your brain. We can peek in and see the words "dogfart" and "=B6=B6=83=85=DF=86" and "REJECT" blinking on and off. Oh, wait, "REJECT" isn't blinking, it's a tattoo on the outside of your head. I'd have to say this was the most entertaining of the hundred articles you posted today, even if you forgot to forget to type the way you do. How's life on your little imaginary WebTV-powered cruise ship? -- K. I think something might be wrong with Lowercase TJ. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: washington sigma gama Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:52:33 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > washington sigma gama .. > enjoy the 100 italian pitza pies. > Ill park another beer truck friday . > Ya mms i you boys want to rip the paper of a stack of 20 s ,, how > much is in a stack of 20s they ask. > Well maybe you boys could do something for me ,,and ill send one over > and you can count it after you get the paper off. > wisper wisper wisper.. > sounds like a heap of fun. > The ten condemnets. Ketchup, mustard, pickle relish, mayo, mint chutney, curry sauce, hot sauce, hoisin sauce, onion relish, and honey. I WIN!!! > 1 ,,make shure he smells good in class > 2 ,, make shure he drops things around with his name on it. > 3, we cant tell you this one its against the law > 4 cant tell you this one its a suprise. > 5 mm this one I can tell you might make you faimouse. > 6 ,,well this one shold not happen to a corps. > 8, pick em up at 8 > 9 ,, I wish I thought of this one the gama boys threw it in. > 10 is just fucking insane . You're 10? That's odd, I thought you were a teenager. -- K. So your imaginary boat's turned into an imaginary beer truck, eh? Nice upgrade. Wake me when it becomes a _real_ tricycle or better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epistemology 201: washington sigma gama Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:55:21 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > KIBOOOOOOO > ,,did ya like me big red bote ? I have no interest in your big red butt, you bozotic baboon. > Im on a russian built ice breaker 500 feet long now. its tits. > But as nice as it is ,, dont fit in the med ya know . > I nead more of a yacht styal big bote in a year or two for a med tour > and carbian tour and just might stay on i and run the planet once . > The new yacht was 400 million new 2002 but I got a deal on it used. > 120 million > just ask for a tour. > ShipExpo.com > Address:http://shipexpo.com/sales/vessel_detail.asp?FileNo=2004 > Audio:http://shipexpo.com/_content/sounds/hummer.wav > My new yacht has a mall , > its getting painted ,,its going to turn heads. > when I park this in monty in yacht row > it will be its own row. > Im putting my toy clection in the mall nd nothin is for sale. Really, I don't think anyone wants to buy your Bigg Redd Butt Vibbe or Easily-Insertable Duzt. Those sorts of toys are not for sharing -- you really can't disinfect them if they've been chewed on that much. And take that thing out of your mouth! > and some cars. > I was going to quit the deep missions after this year at 50 but I > want 5 more wrecks . > besides it will be a year befor my new yacht is done. > a museum where lower class was. > the suites cant be improved. > My penthouse suite on it is ausome. > The first ship I will own and live on and not be the captain. Just > the admeral. > ShipExpo.com > Address:http://shipexpo.com/sales/vessel_detail.asp?FileNo=2004 > Audio:http://shipexpo.com/_content/sounds/hummer.wav Well, I hate to break it to you, but I'm a Space Viking, and a Space Viking outranks an Ausome Admeral. Now take that out of your mouth and go to bed. -- K. My TiVo can beat up your WebTV and my Space Viking helmet can beat up your Easily-Insertable Duzt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 18:25:58 -0500 I found a followup report. It was accompanied by a picture of his collection of rubber toys, but it's nothing you haven't seen during the "Uncle Ernie" number in "Tommy". [www.chron.com] -> -> Feb. 10, 2005, 11:21AM -> -> Widow denies role in alcohol enema -> -> She says her husband gave himself the lethal dose of sherry -> By Richard Stewart -> Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle -> -> Tammy Jean Warner said her husband, Michael Warner, 58, not -> only had a longtime alcohol problem but had been addicted to -> enemas since he was a child. -> -> "There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no -> way," Warner said during an interview at her attorney's office. Why? Does she not know which hole they go in? -> A Brazoria County grand jury indicted her on a charge of -> negligent homicide. Prosecutors claim she provided alcohol -> for Warner even though she knew he'd been warned that alcohol -> could kill him. -> -> She is free on $30,000 bond. -> -> An autopsy report said his blood-alcohol level was 0.47 -> percent, almost six times the legal intoxication limit for -> operating a motor vehicle. -> -> "It all started back when he was a child," Warner said. "His -> mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started -> to depend on them all the time." _All_ the time? I'd hate to see him performing in a musical dance revue or something if he was having all-day enemas. -> She said he paid $1,000 to study colonics at a school and -> corresponded with other enema users on the Internet. "Enema School" was the worst "Revenge Of The Nerds" knockoff to star that Hannibal Lecter guy. -> Not all of his enemas involved liquor, she said. -> -> "He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she -> said. "He had enema recipes." I like hot sauce in my recipes. This is because I don't like my recipes in my ass! -> She said he liked to use wine or sherry in enemas because -> that would allow his body to absorb alcohol faster than -> drinking it. Sherry and wine were easier on his digestive -> system than other forms of alcohol, she said. -> -> "He would drink, too, but his favorite was enemas," she said. -> -> Investigators said medical problems kept him from ingesting -> alcohol by drinking it, but his widow said he would drink -> as well. -> -> "My husband could drink very well with any problem he had," -> she said. Okay, he's called dibs on that sentence. Now nobody else can have it on their tombstone. It's all his. _____________________ / \ / Here lies \ / A DUMB FUCK \ / \ | who put death up his ass | | | | "I could drink very well | | with any problem I had." | | | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -> [...] -> -> "My husband told me he loved me more than anything in the -> world except for God," she said. "I'm not ashamed of my -> husband because I loved him, and I supported him 1,000 -> percent, whatever he wanted to do. That's the way he went -> out, and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because -> he loved his enemas." Any four-sided love triangle where a guy is in love with God, a woman, and massive enemas is bound to end up tragic, or the subject of one of those movies in the "People Dressed As Priests" section of a German porno store. I'm just sayin'. -- K. Is this the real reason Krispy Kreme sells the dougnut-flavored milkshake? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:46:08 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like hot sauce in my recipes. This is because I don't > > like my recipes in my ass! > > I hereby undertake to cover the cost of the Rupali Restaurant's > "Curry Hell" challenge should ever Kibo visit the UK, and, > specifically, Newcastle-upon-Tyne's Bigg Market, by whatever > orifice the challenge curry is met by His Kiboship. I would like to know more about this challenge. 'Cause I like curry. Even the lame British kind. (I bet it's 50% watercress and 50% mayonnaise.) Please supply all relevant details, including rules and a full prize schedule, of this "Curry Hell" challenge. Is there a home version of the game? -- K. And why is there _still_ no blue curry? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 16:36:42 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > I hereby undertake to cover the cost of the Rupali > > > Restaurant's "Curry Hell" challenge should ever Kibo visit > > > the UK, > > > > I would like to know more about this challenge. 'Cause I > > like curry. Even the lame British kind. > > This isn't British curry, it's Bangladeshi (except insofar as all > curries are British because the dish is a British invention). Ooh! I've never had Bangladeshi curry. I've had various Indian, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Pakistani, and Ethiopian curry dishes. All I know about Bangladesh is that they schedule a different natural disaster every three weeks, and all their citizens wants Bert and his friend Osama to blow up the USA, so obviously food must be the only joy in their lives, I bet it's really tangy. > You mustn't confuse curry (the meals you get from Indian > restaurants) with curry (the mildly spicy sauce glopped over > chips in place of mushy pease in northern fish & chip shops). The whole "mushy peas" thing is something I don't understand about British food. Here in the USA, "peas" are bright green spherical things. (They come frozen in bags or boxes, and poor people get the canned variety.) British markets sell all sorts of weirdly ruined canned peas far worse than the American canned ones. British ones tend to be dehydrated and then rehydrated before canning, with green dye and saccharin added. And of course they have labels like "Batchelor's Processed Peas" (for the ones in the fluorescent green saccharin slime) and "Mushy Peas" (for the ones that are even softer than other British canned dehydrated rehydrated peas) just to make it clear that no matter what sort of British peas you get, they won't be remotely pea-like. Don't get me started on Quebec and their albino peas. I think they got all the rejects from Mendel's genetic experiments. I love the Quebecois yellow pea soup (recipe: yellow peas plus lard, stir.) > > Please supply all relevant details, including rules and a > > full prize schedule, of this "Curry Hell" challenge. > > http://www.curryhell.com/ > > ...which also tells me that Lord Harpole had re-named his > restaurant "Curry Capital". It was the Rupali when I lived in > Newcastle. Okay, I'm checking their menu now: -> Dare you take the -> -> Curry Hell Challenge -> -> The world's Hottest curry ! -> -> Curry Hell is a normal sized portion of curry made with chilli -> seeds and chilli powder served with either pilau rice or chips. -> If you eat the full portion it's free. To give you an idea of -> just how hot the Curry Hell dish is, Vindaloo is like ice cream -> by comparison. Maybe we should inform him that some people consider hot sauce to _be_ ice cream, or at least topping for same. -> There is no time limit! Can I take it home and finish it at my leisure? I had to do that the time I tried to drink a bottle of Moxie. Took about four days. Ecch. -> If you eat the full portion of Curry Hell you will get it free -> plus a signed certificate in recognition of your spectacular -> achievement from The Management. I don't think I could eat a full portion of any sort of British food. I have a low tolerance for boiled gristle because I am proud to be an American from the land of deep-fried hamburgers. -> Friendly Warning -> -> If you become ill due to the consumption or if you find that you -> are experiencing any problems with your lover(s) then under no -> circumstances are you entitled to blame the Curry Capital or any -> member of its staff. I think the only problem with my lover(s) is that they might get broken after I have the hot curry. Hot pepper makes me get really tactile. -> If you die whilst eating or as a direct result of eating the -> curry then your next of kin will incur the cost of your meal. Yeah, sure, also the Tingler is loose in the restaurant. > > Is there a home version of the game? > > The UK *is* home. It's other people that are foreigners. Your country is too small. You don't even have space to grow your own peas, so you have to have them shipped in in dehydrated form, leading to the same sort of culinary perversions as other tiny island nations (Japan, Iceland, Australia.) > All the best, > > John. Tonight I want to go out and get some green tea ice cream to go with this spicy mint chutney I have. That seems like it might be an interesting combination. (I've had a craving for green tea ice cream since last night.) Currently my favorite snack food is these Japanese potato rings with habanero flavor. The package is glossy black with an evil grinning habanero pepper. I got turned on just seeing the package and wow are these things good. Habaneros have such nice flavor compared to jalape–os. Why do Americans put jalape–os in stuff? They're too hot for normal people but too mild for people who really like hot pepper, and they don't have any flavor, just a sort of metallic acid taste with some heat. Habaneros have a nice complex pepper flavor. -- K. What does this have to do with gross sherry enemas? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Followup: Sherry enema victim in the news again Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:24:00 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Why do Americans put jalape–os in stuff? > > They're too hot for normal people but too mild for people who really > > like hot pepper, and they don't have any flavor, just a sort of > > metallic acid taste with some heat. > > I really need to get down to reviewing all the Mrs. Renfro's salsas > soon. Either that or just do the green one right now. > > I stumbled on Mrs. Renfro's salsas in our local supermarkets a few months > ago and recognized them from when I lived in Dallas. They're still made > by an independent company in Fort Worth. I was disappointed at first to > find that the Green Salsa was not a tomatillo salsa, but then I tried > some more of it. It's a very nice onion and jalapeno salsa that I really > think could make Kibo change his tune about jalapenos. It's nice and hot > (not extreme, of course, being jalapeno; just nice) and loaded with > cilantro but, amazingly, has -NO- coppery tang to it whatsoever. The > onion really brings out the light, sweet flavor of the jalapeno. Actually, I _was_ specifically thinking of Mrs. Renfro's green salsa when I wrote that. It's pretty hot for a jalape–o-based salsa, but to me it doesn't have much flavor beyond the metallic, acidic taste. It should either be less hot, or more flavorful. It's heat without much pepper flavor. I like peppers that have a rich flavor, whether they're mild (such as poblanos) or hot (habaneros). Jalape–os are somewhat hot but don't have anything else going for them. I have a jar of the Mrs. Renfro's green that I've been using up by mixing it with Salpica green olive salsa, which is too mild and runny by itself but works great when enhanced with the thicker Mrs. Renfro's. The Salpica salsa has green olives and roasted green chiles, it's a nice flavor if you don't mind that it's not spicy (and pretty watery.) My favorite prefab tortilla-chip dipping salsa is still Pace Mexican Creations Roasted Ranchero Cooking Sauce, which has big chunks of poblanos in it, but I haven't seen it in many months (my local market has a little sign saying "We're sorry, this item is temporarily unavailable" on the shelf, the sign's been there a looong time) so I think it may have been discontinued early last year. It's not hot, but there are ways of dealing with that (a little habanero sauce, and the jalape–o-flavored Charras fried tortillas.) It's hard to find good habanero sauces -- I like the thick ones leavened with carrot puree instead of vinegar. My favorite thing to put the habanero sauce in? Trader Joe's stroganoff-flavored mushroom soup. I stir in one to two teaspoons of the habanero sauce and the beige soup gets a lot more colorful. Mmm. I dislike sauces that consist of vinegar plus capsaicin extract. I like mashed-up peppers. I do also buy weaker vinegar-based sauces, such as Frank's Xtra Hot, because they're good to drench frozen pizzas with, since you can't really stir the stuff in. Frank's also has a chili-lime flavor that's good on scrambled eggs. -- K. They should make eggs that come with hot sauce already inside. Can't we just feed the chickens some hot peppers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: product placements in the news Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 19:12:37 -0500 An entry from the police blotter. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> East Boston -> -> The Border Street apartment of a gay hair stylist has never been -> cleaner, much to his misery. His crazy ex-boyfriend allegedly -> broke in Tuesday and poured Tide with Bleach on everything from -> plants to bedding. Then, he stole two hair dryers. I think the Boston Herald has sunk to a new low now that they're putting product placements for Tide With Bleach into their stories about gay stereotypes and their hysterical hissy fits. Everyone knows than an over-the-top gay stereotype would use _imported_ detergent! Still, at least the ex-boyfriend only stole two hair dryers. The guy must have at least five left. Because gay guys have day-of-the-week hair dryers. Also hour-of-the-day mustache trimmers. -- K. "Why'd you soak my bed in Tide?" "'Cause it was too heavy to move out-tide, you thilly goothe!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: News in a blender: The latest batch of fragments Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 23:19:35 -0500 Continuing in the tradition of using the Google Alerts service to find news clippings containing certain words in hopes that the excerpts will seem wacky when taken out of context, here's the latest batch. [www.brandonsun.com] -> -> The United States Department of Agriculture operates like a -> "three-legged cat trying to bury its turd on a frozen pond," -> according to one visiting American livestock economist. [www.kansascity.com] => => At restaurants, she requires they eat vegetables. "And fried => okra doesn't count." [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> Chalmers Johnson, in a caustic e-mail, asserts that the U.S. -> ambassador at the time "couldn't give a cold dog turd whether or -> not you, your wife and children get a bath at an onsen [Japanese -> bathhouse]." [www.khou.com headline] => => Houston mother: taser turned son into three-year old [www.zwire.com] -> -> Of course, Secretary of State Cathy Cox could have spoken to -> this crowd about the aesthetic qualities of goat and okra and -> gotten a respectable response--she owns this audience. [www.thestar.com] => => "A lot of it is whimsical; people don't usually wear jewellery => that has gumbo, but I do a gumbo necklace that's pearls, crabs, => shrimp and okra. [...]" [www.kansascity.com] -> -> In Kansas City, we find many of our foods in the Vietnamese -> store. They cook okra like us. [50connect.co.uk] => => We are fast becoming a nation which knows its okra from their => avocado. [www.fredericksburg.com] -> -> She's chosen a warm yellow shade called "okra" for the walls. [www.zwire.com] => => Before you get too big-headed here, remember we eat sweetbreads, => blood sausage and liver. And okra. [www.sunherald.com] -> -> Waltman said the kenaf plant has seven leaves at the top and -> okra-looking leaves at the bottom. He said marijuana only has -> five leaves. [www.pitchforkmedia.com] => => My 14-year-old self now owes me a wedgie, but I spent last => winter nestled with this Sacramento, California duo's downy => cuddlecore. [www.themercury.news.com.au] -> -> "There's nothing like seeing a wedgie drop from the sky, -> spiralling down to land on the top of the aviary netting. [...]" [www.oregonlive.com] => => With all that pre-match fidgeting, jumping around and shadow => wrestling, I'd say the warm-up move to wedgie ratio for the => average high school wrestler is 1:1. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> Permanent water wedgie. [www.sfgate.com -- spelling error is theirs] => => A rather large lady stood up a pew ahead, to sing a hymn. My => view was limited to her massive wedgie -- which my 5-year-old => mind thought best to correct. Impulsively, I reached up to do => so, and she hit a high note that turned heads. That good dead => did not go unpunished. [desmoinesregister.com] -> -> He may have been an entertainment legend, but Carson always will -> be remembered by the people of tiny Cooper as their 51st -> citizen. -> -> He won the designation during the unincorporated town's -> centennial celebration in 1981. Others vying for the honor -> included game-show host Bob Barker, Henry "Fonzie" Winkler and -> Princess Grace of Monaco. [www.pitch.com on the Kansas City rap music scene] => => But the Fonz would be the first to tell you that Rome wasn't => built in an aaaayyyyyyyy. It takes years, tears and a => willingness to disembowel your enemies with a rusty spatula => before an aspiring Julius can assume his throne. And even then, => it's only a matter of time before Brutus sticks a shiv through => your toga. => => Kansas City hip-hop isn't exactly Greek drama. [npr.streamsage.com automatic transcription of an NPR broadcast] -> -> The where she often to date for the team that plays and if the -> and when they get them feel to receive the spatula. [louisville.rivals.com] => => And those games were just a few years removed from former => Marquette coach Mike Deane pulling a "fonzie-esque" slide across => the Freedom Hall court with an "up yours" hand motion in obvious => defiance to the Cardinals' student section, who subsequently => pelted the crazed coach with beer and whatever else was in their => pockets. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> McCombs downplayed Moss' X-rated response to his $10,000 fine. -> The Vikings' owner said it's just a case of Randy being Pee-wee -> Herman. [www.al.com] => => "One reporter wanted all of the [Super Bowl] players to take off => their shirts," he says. "He was a little skinny guy, looked like => Pee-wee Herman. [...]" [www.thread.co.nz] -> -> In other words, if when you get on the dance floor you look like -> Pee-Wee Herman, you might want to take a pass. [www.mainecampus.com] => => I find it ironic that businesses complain about lost profits due => to theft, while wanting to blow more cash trying to catch => thieves than Pee Wee Herman spends on afternoon matinees. [www.calendarlive.com] -> -> One critic snipped that she looked "as authentically African as -> Pee-wee Herman with a spear." [www.spokesmanreview.com] => => Thumbing through my notes, I see entries like: "Haven't heard a => voice like that since Pee Wee Herman" and "Send this band to Iraq." [www.therealitycheck.org] -> -> Granted, Iraq by itself is as threatening as Pee Wee Herman -> wielding a banana. (Now, if he were wielding elderberries...he's -> still be Pee Wee Herman.) [www.mndaily.com] => => "When I was young and my dad's drug store was around the corner => from here, this building we're in today was a porn store so => scuzzy, it would make Pee-wee Herman cringe," [www.sports-central.org] -> -> Before the coverage rule change, Patriots' defensive backs were -> often guilty of more illegal contact than Pee Wee Herman and -> George Michael locked together in an adult theater, or a public -> restroom. [www.tampatrib.com] => => And at the heart of all the racist, anti-Semitic bluster and => faux bravado was Eidson, the Pee-wee Herman of Wannsee. [www.latimes.com] -> -> With his flamboyant sobriquet and penchant for photo-op poses -> that seem a cross between Billy Dee Williams and Pee Wee Herman, -> it remains unclear if Bentley is an authentic social reformer or -> simply a dapper charlatan destined to 15 minutes of -> chauffeur-driven fame. [msnbc.msn.com] => => The result? An army of ideas and two warehouses in Golden Valley => that would make Pee Wee Herman and Willy Wonka green with envy. [daily.standord.edu] -> -> Why are more emotions attached to one bodily orifice than -> another? [www.bgnews.com] => => You will be the chosen few, and therefore won't end up with a => frozen acorn lodged in a random orifice. [www.southcoasttoday.com] -> -> "I saw the smoke come out, called 911 and got out," Mr. Orifice -> said. [www.cornellsun.com] => => Questions seem to be of two varieties: "Is it true you can get => pregnant from drinking (insert name of popular soft drink => here)?" and "My husband likes to coat his (body part) in (type => of gasoline) and then place it in (orifice that does not exist). => How can I make him stop?" That would be entertaining enough, but => the entire show is just an old woman sitting at a desk taking => notes. [scotlandonsunday.scotsman.com] -> -> I often think that if one encountered comedy club staff as an -> entity on the Astral Plane it would take the form of a giant -> drug-encrusted orifice - that didn't laugh at your jokes. [www.thestarpress.com] => => Visitors can participate in all-day activities featuring fairy => tales such as making Robin Hood Hats or playing the fairy tale => match game. [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> It is important that she doesn't handle your penis like a dirty -> dish rag between her finger and thumb. [www.thestar.com] => => Sound confusing? It looks like a giant barrel-shaped lighted => marshmallow. Made of Polyethylene, it can be used to bring light => to a dark corner, as a side table, and you can also sit on it. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> Otherwise, the toilet seat slides around when you sit on it like -> one of those snow ski training machines. That's not good even -> for type C's. [www.post-gazette.com] => => Tempalski said he saw Gumbert "attempt to hide a bong by trying => to sit on it," not realizing the trooper was watching. [www.sportinglife.com] -> -> "I then had to give evidence in the inquiry which followed. I -> did not sit on it as such. I'm afraid I cannot give any more -> details about what actually happened in the weighing-room. -> [...]" [www.dailyvanguard.com] => => I don't care who you are, who you're laying or how. Mormons to => bears, porn stars to dominatrix, we all look like jerks. [www.philly.com] -> -> One opera singer was seen on a Web site in a computer-doctored -> picture of her as a dominatrix. [www.dailybreeze.com] => => The good feelings weren't to last. It didn't take more than two => minutes of sitting in The Chair to realize that another two => minutes would put us in traction. The floor model, which had => seemed so comfortable in the store, had been replaced by an => impostor, one whose springs were unyielding and cruel, as if => there were a dominatrix trapped inside who had become involved => with the wrong kind of leather. [www.dailyiowan.com] -> -> [...] whiny parents, moral crusaders, and the domination of -> marketing demographics has leashed and gagged Hollywood like the -> Gimp from Pulp Fiction [...] [www.concordmonitor.com] => => The Egg-Cellent's sign, which shows a smiling egg holding an => oven mitt and spatula, sat on the ground, upright and free of => soot. [news.newkerala.com] -> -> The late Indian prime minister Morarji Desai, who lived well -> into his 90s, was among the strongest proponents of almonds. "I -> can survive on almonds. They are one of the two secrets of my -> strong health. You know the other one - self-urine therapy. -> [...]" [news.independent.co.uk] => => [...] all the water at my house and studio is triple-filtered => and goes through a reverse-osmosis process before passing => through a pipe which is wrapped in a copper spiral which itself => contains imploded water. I am also really into urine therapy, => drinking urine and applying it to any skin irritation. And => although I fall in and out of practice, seminal retention is => good for restoring energy and making me strong. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> It is poofy and has rounded edges, like a cartoon couch. It sags -> here and there and its springs have grown mushy. When you sit on -> it, you sink a little deeper into its folds than you would -> expect on your way down. Kind of like sitting on a stack of -> rubber beach rafts that have been outside for a while. -> -> [...] -> -> That couch started off roughly the color of undigested baby food -> and ended up exactly the color of undigested baby food. [www.plebius.org] => => So one lives with the Leatherman, one in the car glove box, the => old one still in the tool box. [www.ama-assn.org] -> -> Discoveries at the James Fort site include a spatula mundani, an -> instrument that treated severe constipation with a spoon end -> used to withdraw hard excrement. [www.cleveland.com] => => Defining values can be like trying to drink soup with a spatula. => It's even harder in relation to gambling [...] [www.projo.com] -> -> Tiffany silver spatula, Chrysanthemum pattern, square, inscribed -> "Psychology," 9 inches, $1,035. [www.nysun.com] => => Wearing turtleneck, sleeveless leotards in a sil very color, the => women look severe and intense. [www.cleveland.com] -> -> That's why Paul McCartney -- SIR Paul McCartney -- is headlining -> a half time show certain to play things sil ly-love-song safe. -> That's why com mercials are being scrutinized by the network's -> standards and prac tices officials, who already have thrown a -> flag or two. [seattlepi.nwsource.com] => => Now they are pestering my much-younger SIL and her fiance to => have children. => => [...] => => Turn just about any corner, and you'll find one of two things: => an opportunity to take offense, or a weirdo. [www.thestar.com] -> -> What fakes do people notice? Counterfeit money. And unlike a -> pre-fabbed pop star, fake money will totally screw you. [www.eastvalleytribune.com] => => The bustline of Halle Berry's nougat-colored confection was a => testament to careful wrapping or double-stick tape (or perhaps => both). [www.miami.com] -> -> Flip back to 1889, when Benjamin Harrison served -- among other -> delicacies -- Blue Point oysters on ice, sweetbread pte la -> reine, breast of quail la Ciceron, pte de foie gras a la -> Harrison, terrine of game a la Morton and pyramid of nougat -> Renaissance. [www.zwire.com] => => The old photo Bell spoke of profiled distinguished science => teacher, Reginald Edmonds, with beard and long hair, fashionable => for an era considered by today's teens to be ancient history. Guaranteed, that wasn't the only nougat. [www.wisinfo.com] -> -> A little bathroom humor goes with the territory at Potsie's, -> home to what may be the Midwest's largest urinal. -> -> [...] -> -> Weber is planning to find a way to use the urinal as a -> promotional tool, he said. [icthewharf.icnetwork.co.uk] => => For an actor who is used to fending off frog-like Urbankans and => zapping human androids and Daleks, taking his ID out of his => pocket seemed such a trial. [barometer.orst.edu] -> -> Nay to Michael Moore for always choosing such somber topics for -> his riveting films. Our idea for his next blockbuster? "Nougat: -> What the candy lobby won't tell you." [www.hollandsentinel.com] => => However, are we forgetting, as time passes, that friends and => family before us worked hard on our behalf to secure future => cemetery property on Felch Street? [seattlepi.nwsource.com] -> -> Winnie the Pooh isn't a pedophile because he wears no -> underpants. [www.gateway.ualberta.ca] => => Your only reprieve from the blasting bass line is the => interruptions by the sadistic--and hideously brawny--onstage DJ. => You might recognize him from such lines as, "Why the fuck aren't => you dancing?" Or, the ever-popular, "Would all the ugly people => in the crowd shut the fuck up?" Then why on earth are you still => yelling? [www.laweekly.com] -> -> Outside the annual note, Cornwallow was a relentless and -> unmitigated fuck, a kidney stone lodged in mankind's urethra. [www.blacktable.com] => => Give that gullible dumbass John Q. Public back his $50 million => or shut the fuck up and entertain us. Guilt is for sissies. [www.sfbg.com] -> -> The sound shifts to two minutes of gut-rumbling bass tones and -> devolves into what I blearily write in my notes as "fart drags -> fog horn." [www.weeklydig.com] => => Saying "If you gotta fart, change position" is kind of like => saying "If you gotta make meth, do it at someone else's house." => It shouldn't take saying. [news.independent.co.uk] -> -> Poor Robinson, 77, might just know that trumping is playground -> slang for farting; as for "creamy muck-muck" - custard pies and -> buckets of gunge - he would be nonplussed. [www.chronwatch.com] => => Come to think of it, I'd like to be able to see my legs again. => It is quite disconcerting to continually fart just because I => bend over to pick something up. [www.arbiteronline.com -- mystery question mark is theirs] -> -> At nineteen, I finally managed to procure a girlfriend. She was -> homely, sure, but nice. It lasted a week and a half until she -> was on my lap watching a movie, and it happened. Deep within her -> bowels brewed a mighty stink. When it managed to wriggle free, -> I?m sure it nearly tore a hole in her pants. As I was sitting -> beneath her at the time, I took the brunt of the force. In my -> brain, the only sensation I could register was something like a -> bone breaking: I knew what had happened, but I was unprepared -> for the aftermath. She had farted on me. By the time I decided -> to enroll at Tallahassee Community College, I had all but given -> up on women. I had been tripped, stood-up, beat-up and farted on. [music.ign.com] => => In 1999 the two super producers, both of whom are more or less => highly creative electronic geeks, joined together under a Chris => Elliot fueled brain fart and concocted The Handsome Boy Modeling => School, a loose concept "group" with Dan and Paul residing at => the burbling nucleus and a smattering of their similarly tweaked => (at least in terms of artistic creativity) musical compadres => scattered throughout the surrounding sonic plasma. [www.columbian.com] -> -> "When you get a bunch of fourth-graders in a room saying the -> word 'fart,' things get crazy," said Cara Wolf-Feather, lead -> educator of the featured exhibit hall. [www.latimes.com] => => When I have a hamburger, I want a nice, thick hamburger, not => some skinny White Castle patty that looks like a Post-It note. [www.kentucky.com] -> -> Tell your sweetheart you have reservations for dinner -> in-Cincinnati. When you pull into the White Castle parking lot, -> she'll definitely be surprised. [www.newsrecord.org] => => And by cultured I mean cheap and by sophisticated I mean => stomach-destroying, because I am talking about White Castle. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Now, for the 100th time, I don't write the clues. I don't know -> who writes the clues. I remain at odds with the clue writer, -> though. To me the clues were once analogous to oil paintings -> that you could actually understand, trees and park benches and -> stone bridges and the like and today they have become the modern -> art equivalent of clocks popping out of eyeballs. -> -> The first clue refers to the old curmudgeon in high dudgeon as a -> result of a critter running off with the loot. While I have been -> pointed in my remarks from the cheap seats I don't recall that -> the medallion was ever taken or moved by an animal or ever -> accusing the clue writer of a double cross as a result of such a -> disturbance. That first clue might refer to the habit over the -> years of placing the medallion in an object, diaper or White -> Castle box, for example, that could be transported by a critter. [www.ediets.com] => => I think it's akin to prostitution. It's the oldest profession in => the world. There will always be a market for it (just as there => will always be someone who actually WANTS to eat White Castle => "sliders"). [www.gamespy.com] -> -> Would you like some White Castle? I microwaved these miniature -> burgers just before you arrived. I find that the smaller the -> food, the more sophisticated it is. [www.theadvocate.com] => => [...] Shintech announced that its new $1 billion chemical => manufacturing plant would be built between Plaquemine and White => Castle [...] [www.metrowestdailynews.com] -> -> Don't you observe how your dogs and cats inhale, with deep -> interest and pleasure, every organic fluid they can find? From -> any orifice they can reach? [wcco.com] => => It takes more than a snowstorm to cancel a lutefisk feed in => Litchfield, Minn. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> "It's like lutefisk: Either you like them or you don't," Thomas -> said. "But they smell wonderful." [www.thestandard.com] => => Mercifully, there is no lutefisk, which, according to the Sons => of Norway, is either viciously defended or regarded as a => national disgrace. [www.duluthsuperior.com] -> -> Come to find out the next Christmas, though, the shadowy Swedes -> who contacted me weren't talking about filthy lucre, but -> lime-soaked filmy lutefisk, a barrel of which they shipped up -> the St. Lawrence Catholic Seaway and delivered to my door sight -> unseen. [www.drownedinsound.com] => => Hopefully, though, you can tell the chalk from the cheese; who's => got clout and who's nothing more than a turd that just can't be => polished. [www.oregonlive.com] -> -> She doesn't bite. She's well-trained. She works cheap, a lot -> cheaper than the human groundskeepers who are back to using -> leaf-blowers to clean goose poop off RedTail's greens. -> -> They call it "herding turds." [www.easternecho.com] => => Looking more like Larry Bird than Jason Turd, as the student => section dubbed him, [...] [www.riberfronttimes.com] -> -> If forced to deliver a half-hour monologue on petrified cat -> turds, [Jack] Perkins could inject a fair amount of gravitas -> into the turds [...] [www.calgarysun.com] => => The bad news: As this turgid turd of chugging, vaguely retro => God-rock makes blindingly obvious, they still suck plenty. [www.nypress.com] -> -> At this point in his career, the only way Samuel L. Jackson can -> show that he is especially angry is to have his head explode, a -> geyser of waste matter sprout from his neck, and each flying -> turd tagged with a graffiti-sprayed expletive. [www.projo.com] => => Maybe all the little nuthatches have Stockholm Syndrome, where => the victims end up empathizing with their kidnappers. [www.dirtragmag.com] -> -> After searching far and wide for a worthy brain fart topic, I -> could only come up with kernels of rants and praise. [www.thetriangle.org] => => Coming home with the gold medal, however, is "If My Vagina Could => Talk (It Would Call Your Dick an Asshole)." I'm not really sure => what's going on in the song, but the title was enough to make me => ruin a pair of trousers as my body tried to shoot laughter out => of every orifice. [news.inq7.net] -> -> And as if putting a cherry-shaped turd on a mountain of crap -> during a shitstorm wasn't enough, Harry's little debacle segued -> two weeks before the 60th anniversary of the liberation of -> Auschwitz. [www.theoaklandpress.com] => => In addition, I wouldn't eat at any of the concessions at Cobo => either, and I'm a guy who actually likes Kmart subs and can => stare down a White Castle slider without blinking. [www.dailysouthtown.com] -> -> The field gets mushy after rains, and there's a large rock in -> the center that coaches put an orange cone over. [www.journalstar.com] => => Ken Svoboda received a miniature orange traffic cone because => Abbott once had to call him because Svoboda's lawn service => "didn't have all the traffic control desired." [news.enquirer.com] -> -> "We were like orange cones out there against Florida State," -> Prosser said. [www.thestate.com] => => MacRae thinks those orange cones will go great with the green => beer. [www.suntimes.com] -> -> The Department of Electricity -- who knew? -- stopped by, set -> out an orange cone, and left, the cover still open. [www.thenewsguard.com] => => Watch the orange cones and where they guide you. [www.news-journalonline.com] -> -> "It's awful hard to do (contests) when holding orange cones." [www.qctimes.com] => => It has a bright, golden-orange cone and honeysuckle-like => fragrance -- perhaps the strongest yet of any coneflower => introduced. [www.insidebayarea.com] -> -> I guess the reason the county didn't at least stick an orange -> cone in them to warn a driver is that, in that one spot, the -> cones would have just about blocked one lane of traffic. [www.komotv.com] => => "Everyone gets some kind of release from hitting things, and => this is a more positive way of getting your aggression out," => says David Levine with the Percussion Marketing Council. [www.pwinsider.com] -> -> The message that I wanted from that was to show kids what it's -> like to be on drugs. I was under the understanding that it was -> going to be used as a positive thing. But he really broke it off -> in my ass and I was the only guy not to get paid from it! I'll -> let God deal with him! [www.cleveland.com] => => The mildly psychedelic setting of this children's TV series => (1971-1973) feels groovy, but the crummy writing and Charles => Nelson Reilly's hammy acting are a buzz kill. [www.azcentral.com headline] -> -> Persistent diarrhea may signal disease [www.latimes.com] => => A year ago I tried talking my way out of the Super Bowl and => avoiding the week of numbing pregame hype to stay here, and work => as a ball boy for the LA Temptation during the Lingerie Bowl. => => I don't know how we can expect to get an NFL team if we don't => support the football teams we already have here. [www.marketwire.com] -> -> The 2005 Lingerie Bowl site is fully search engine optimized, -> utilizing a fully optimized storefront backend and proper search -> engine robot friendly navigation structure. The Internet -> marketing implemented by Web Publicitee allows for proper search -> engine crawling and organization of content for better -> positioning in search engine result pages (SERPS) and more -> visitors locating the site when searching on the major search -> engine portals. [www.fredericsburg.com] => => When's the last time you cried? => => I saw "Baby Geniuses 2," and I cried from my laughter, and Scott => Bayou. => => What's the worst movie ever? => => "Playmate of the Apes"enough said. [sfgate.com] -> -> The result will be groin pulls by the dozen. [www.nashuatelegraph.com] => => I only eked out passing grades in high-school math class by => becoming the queen of extra credit. No one made a meaner => dodecahedron snowman. [www.swans.com] -> -> From Falwellians to Stalinists, the sense of repression and -> sadism is the same. [www2.townonline.com] => => Wonderful opportunity for those seeking fulfillment in the areas => of public service, philanthropy, and sadomasochism. [www.theunionleader.com] -> -> He wasn't the only Steelers fan we saw this week. I guess you -> really have to like football to come this far to watch one team -> that beat your team and another that's your rival. It seems a -> little sadomasochistic to me. -> -> The dominant shirt all week was the green and white of the -> Eagles. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => He was persecuted in childhood and now is dismissed by his boss => Holger (Ole Thestrup as the model of the classic overweight => sadist) [...] [news.scotsman.com] -> -> "[...] think I'm only sure of one thing - nobody knows -> themselves. The nice person on the street ... in a different -> situation could be the worst sadist." [www.startribune.com] => => For every movie that showed Soviets as eeeevil sadists, there => were ten that had the main Soviet guy as a genial bear, [...] [www.citypages.com] -> -> You do prefer your sadists to work ingeniously, right? [www.wacotrib.com] => => The original of your story was marked up, cut up and pasted back => together by homicidal sadists before it was passed to the copy => desk where heartless trolls additionally brutalized once-lyrical => prose before shoving the rolled-up remains into a tube that was => crammed into a pneumatic pipe and whooshed into the clanging, => clunking, clattering backshop where eye-shadowed Linotype => operators pounded out thousands of lead slugs with little chunks => of your news story in reversed type. [www.fortwayne.com] -> -> Wow. Now we're aching for the day when video historians -> transcribe every minute of every television show ever, so that -> no Richard Dawson zinger from "Match Game '73" and no 139-word, -> anguished question posed by Phil Donahue to a guest will ever be -> out of reach. [www.spaceref.com] => => [...] a mapping swath from the volcano to Nairobi would be useful => for assessment of eruptive hazards associated with Kibo, [...] And now you know the rest of the story. -- K. Did anyone read this all the way to the end? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "He then prints out photographs flavoured to taste like anything from birthday cake to sushi." Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 07:00:30 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [www.guardian.co.uk] > -> > -> Homaro Cantu, head chef at Moto restaurant, loads the > -> [inkjet] printer's cartridges with fruit and vegetable > -> concoctions and fills the paper tray with sheets of soya and > -> potato starch. He then prints out photographs flavoured to > -> taste like anything from birthday cake to sushi. The > -> finished artwork is dipped in a powder of soy sauce, sugar, > -> vegetables or dehydrated sour cream then fried. The result? > -> A picture of a cow that tastes like filet mignon. > -> > -> ...diners can spice up their soup by ripping up the menu and > -> tossing in the pieces. > > Because using a pepper mill is just too difficult for modern man. Damn straight. That's why pepper will soon come in little packets where you won't even have to open the packets. In fact, the packets will be empty. You'll just throw them in. Also your napkin will be edible. And the tablecloth. And the carpet. > -> He plans to take the idea further. "Just imagine going > -> through a magazine and looking at an ad for pizza. You > -> wonder what it tastes like, so you rip a page out and eat > -> it," he told New Scientist magazine. > > And hope no-one else has licked it already. Magazines, eh? Nudge > nudge, wink wink, say no more! But I thought this had already been done. Doesn't the Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal system involve a bunch of cards with pictures of food printed on them? I hear they all taste like cardboard, even the ones Mr. Simmons has personally fondled. > -> Other dishes that may soon appear on the menu at his > -> restaurant include laser-seared steaks and bread with the > -> crust inside the loaf. > > What about Klein bottles and Mšbius strudel? I'm thinking that I don't want hot dog companies to jump on the "inside-out food" bandwagon because that mysterious hard white ball should stay hidden on the inside of your hot dog, not on the surface where you can see how gross hot dogs are. And please don't think about inside-out White Castles. > -> He is even experimenting with liquid nitrogen, helium and > -> superconductors to make foods levitate. > > This is science, not a brouhaha! By the way, Adam, thanks for commenting on that news story -- I would have done so earlier today, but I couldn't because I'm under a non-disclosure agreement concerning an important new invention which is almost patent pending. I can't say what it is, but it's related to the current topic, and you may soon be reading a.r.k in edible form, or wiping your butt with it, your choice. Old a.r.k articles are exactly the right thing to be printed on new Delicious Toilet Paper. Oops, I said what it was. I guess now I'll never be a trillionaire. -- K. I think about things. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Sesame Street" gets even further from the days when it was good Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 17:18:58 -0500 THIS JUST IN: My TV has informed me that "Sesame Street" is adding a segment called "Grouch Eye For The Nice Guy". What sort of message is this sending to America's toddlers? Gays are grouchy, and straights are nice. And while I do identify with Oscar (I could see him in leather), not all straight people are nice! Also, Ernie is nice and Bert is grouchy -- I would have no objection to gay puppets pairing up on toddler TV, but it's so wrong for a straight puppet to marry a gay puppet like that, no matter what tax breaks it gives him. Cookie Monster is the one whose orientation is baffling. Cookie is neither nice nor grouchy. Cookie is simply a force of nature. I like that about him or her -- Cookie has no gender, no orientation, and nothing remotely resembling human intelligence. Cookie is the perfect Muppet because he doesn't try to pass for human. Cookie just is. Sort of like Hello Kitty except dangerous. Other new "Sesame Street" segments this year reportedly include "Desperate Houseplants" and a Muppet named "Donald Grump". Most creatively of all, there's a parody of "24" named "24". Please kill me. Has it occurred to anyone that "24" -- a show where the bad guys are gunning people down left and right and most of the drama consists of the good guys capturing them and torturing them to make them talk -- might not be the most appropriate show for "Sesame Street" to go logrolling with? ("Now tell us where you hid the nuclear warhead, or Elmo will drown you in Dorothy's fishbowl!") I want "Sesame Street" to go back to the days when it was just insane and encouraged kids to question the nature of reality (remember when Ernie asked Bert "How do I know I'm here?") and defy authority (Bert was The Man and Ernie sure enjoyed sticking it to him. And Oscar openly advocated reversal of social norms.) Now "Sesame Street" has become part of the Establishment, consisting largely of references to other shows, a homogenized loaf-like extruded creation afraid to challenge the kids. It used to be countercultural, now it's just like the front matter in "TV Guide". "Hey kids, watch '24'!" At least I think they still play the cartoon about the pinball machine filled with LSD once in a while. -- K. "I'll eat cookies in _your_ bed!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Sesame Street" gets even further from the days when it was good Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 20:04:59 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THIS JUST IN: My TV has informed me that "Sesame Street" is adding > > a segment called "Grouch Eye For The Nice Guy". > > Google finds no hits for "grouch eye for the nice guy" -- maybe the TV > is just trying to be funny. Nick... Nick... Nick. As a serious journalist, of _course_ whenever I hear something like that I immediately track down the original press release from Sesame Workshop to get the first-level information. Here's what I read while researching that article: [www.sesameworkshop.org] -> -> SESAME STREET, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER 'H' -> -> Award-Winning PBS KIDS Series Premieres April 4, New Curriculum -> Focuses on Health -> -> 36th Season Also Features "Healthy Moments" With Top Celebrities -> Plus Parody Segments Including 'Desperate Houseplants' and -> 'Grouch Eye for the Nice Guy' "Sesame Street" is also planning on instilling in kids that the titles of parody segments should in 'single quotes' while educational segments must be in "double quotes". "Sesame Street" is run by '''insane people'''. -> New York, February 10, 2005 -- For 36 years, Sesame Street has -> sought to meet the critical needs of children while preparing -> them for school and for life. This season premieres April 4 on -> PBS KIDS (check local listings). In addition to literacy, -> numeracy, and science, Sesame Street, the world's largest -> informal educator of children, will tackle an issue facing many -> families today: children's health. The new season features a new -> curriculum designed to address the importance of establishing an -> early foundation of healthy habits. "numeracy"? Oh, they misspelled "counting". -> Sesame Street's newest curriculum is part of a larger Sesame -> Workshop company-wide initiative, "Healthy Habits for Life," -> created in response to the growing crisis of childhood obesity -> among children. The preschool years are a crucial time in -> children's lives to foster healthy habits. Recent data reflect -> both the immediate and long-term consequences of poor dietary -> behaviors. Tackling the critical issues of health and well -> being, Sesame Workshop continues to set the benchmark in -> educational television with Sesame Street storylines that guide -> preschoolers and their caregivers through lessons related to -> healthy eating, the importance of active play and other key -> activities such as hygiene and rest. In the very first episode, "Sesame Street" taught the lesson that you had to move in with someone with a different skin color before you could brush your teeth. (True: There was a segment that just showed two little girls brushing their teeth from the same sink, and one of them was... NOT WHITE!) I admired the way they could be simultaneously teaching hygiene and tolerance at the same time. "Sesame Street" was subversive, baby! Now it's like a lame sitcom where all the punchlines are "4". -> "It was particularly important for us when dealing with a topic -> such as health to choose child relevant issues such as trying -> new healthy foods, and simple exercises and make them exciting -> and attractive," said Dr. Lewis Bernstein, Executive Producer of -> Sesame Street. "As always with Sesame Street, the shows are -> written with humor and messages to entertain both children and -> adults. In this fit and fun season, we also give parents and -> caregivers the tools to help them extend these health messages -> into their homes and daily routines." To translate that into English, "'Boobah' has gotten too popular so we need to rip it off, like we did with 'Blue's Clues'." -> "There!|s a real need to educate young people, and their -> caregivers, about healthy lifestyles," adds Rosemarie Truglio, -> PhD, Vice President Education and Research, Sesame Workshop. -> "Our goal is to lay a strong foundation for healthy habits in -> order to put children on a positive trajectory for a healthy -> life, so that healthy living becomes a normal, everyday -> experience. Who better to guide preschoolers towards a healthier -> life than Elmo, Oscar, Big Bird and the rest of the gang on -> Sesame Street?" So let's see -- titles go in double quotes, unless they're parodies in which case single quotes, but single quotes are no longer the same as apostrophes because apostrophes are now extremely loud BANGBARs, but what does that mean we have to use when we want to take the absolute value of a factorial? -> At the top of each episode, well-known figures in entertainment, -> sports, music and science including Alicia Keys, Joe Torre, -> Alison Krauss, Buzz Aldrin, Shirley Jones, Richard Kind and -> Dominique Dawes share a "Healthy Moment." For example: -> -> * Alicia Keys teaches Elmo the benefits of moving your body -> fast or slow; -> -> * Yankee's Joe Torre informs Elmo and Rosita that playing -> sports is a fun way to stay healthy; -> -> * and Buzz Aldrin shares the importance of food for energy to -> Telly. "See, Telly, I didn't drink enough Tang, so Neil sprinted down the ladder past me. If he had just let me go first like I kept asking, I wouldn't have blown that line about 'one small step for _a_ man'." -> [...] -> -> New parodies, that take their cue from the world of pop culture, -> include: "Desperate Houseplants;" "Grouch Eye for the Nice Guy;" -> "Chasing the Cheese," with a new Muppet created in the likeness -> of sportscaster Chris Berman; "24," based on the TV series of -> the same name; "Cookie Monster: Food Investigator," a parody of -> Dragnet; and the series introduces Donald Grump, a Muppet who -> looks suspiciously like one of America's real estate moguls. Sigh, okay, because the Internet demands it, I will now write the complete script of a "Dragnet" parody starring Cookie Monster. (OPENING TITLES. "DUM-DA-DUM-DUM" MUSIC.) KID My dolly's been murdered by a serial killer! Cookie Friday, if you catch him, I'll give you my cookie! COOKIE FRIDAY Just the cookie, ma'am! Gimme cookie! KID Oh, is this supposed to be that show grandpa liked? ("DUM-DA-DUM-DUM" MUSIC. CURTAIN.) -- K. (Brought to you by the number 714.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epist KiBoooooooooooo m Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 23:38:15 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > libooo kiboo poco sasabo > Im not impressed. > I just bought the cruise ship I dint seel that one . I sold th big red > boat . But why on earth would you want to sell an imaginary boat? You bozo, you should have held onto it! Imaginary boats appreciate in imaginary value! > soooo kiboooo.. > yer post was stupid . > seen better heads on flat cans. > yer as skanky as a wet brick of beer yeast . But twice as smart! > You make the hair stand up on my neck ,,good thing for you I got a > carot. ...for a nose, or for a brain? I need to know whether you're a snowman or some weird sort of organic scarecrow. > Money does grow on trees. Lowercase TJ, I hate to break it to you, but that's not money. And those aren't trees. And that's not a knothole your carrot's shoved up. -- K. I keep forgetting, what's the difference between you and Kurt Stocklmeir? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Epist KiBoooooooooooo m Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 01:16:05 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Im got going to post any money for you. > kiboooooo Does this mean that you're really not going to give me any imaginary money, or that you're imagining that you're not going to give me any real money? Of course, I'm assuming you're not a figment of your own imagination. Check whether your birth certificate is all misspelled. If so, then you probably made yourself up and should go get an operation to make you a real boy. > Im not posting a 3 phone call deal for your dumb ass. > You didnt say thanks for te bank lead. I have plenty of lead here already. Also a whole lot of bronze. I suppose you don't know what bronze is, as it's not one of the flavors your favorite "naptime snack flakes" are available in when you peel them off your walls. > you didnt saay thanks for anything because your too stupid to understand > what I posted. > Your zerroooo content crap is retarted. That's why I always put my Pop-Tarts through two complete toasting cycles. To make them completely retarted. > How does gravity move mass ya moron . > do you understand that yet ? > Your able but wount ever learn. > You waist more time than a billionaire neads Yes, but I'm a trillionaire and I scored fifty quadrillion on my SATs. You may apologize by licking my boots a hundred quintillion times. But first, let me gloss them up with a nice coat of lead paint... What flavor do you want, red or blue? -- K. Hey, someone had to put your drooling to good use. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: Epist KiBoooooooooooo m Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 17:56:42 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > It would take me 15 minits to dig you out ,,,ohhh what ya say $ 2 mil. > Take me 20 minuts to do MOE math on evrything. I don't think you're anywhere near as smart as Moe. Heck, you're not even as smart as Shemp. You're just another Replacement Curly. > Take me 10 more minuts to post it. > But lucky for you I know your a dumbass. > Ill meat you 1/2 way . > You post the best price from any market on > 1000 tons or more chicken . > Then Ill list the price on the dock in georgia usa allong with 17 > buyers . > Ill sell that 1000 tons of chicken to evry buyer. > Ill load one freefer and give fda a sample out of evry ton. Ill pay > the 10% duties with my ssn. I won't say it, I won't say it. Too easy. > Ill drop it on the dock and make 60 cents a pound. > The supermarkets will all have a sale on chicken . > Ill give you a hint , prices data center. > market prices . > bangkok 22 cents per pound usa east 92 cents. $ 70 cents less dutz. > cif. Okay, I'm adding this to my "Lowercase TJ To Earth-Speak Dictionary": "dutz" is short for "duuteez" which means "duties". However, my team of cunning linguists is still working to crack the related word "duzt", which you used last week: -> Kibbo rad the fucking thing =BF=BF -> what a duzt. Here is my current working hypothesis: "duzt" is short for "duuzeet" which means TJ Frazir is an idiot. Either that, or you're trying to do a product-placement for D-Zerta, but frankly, I don't think you're smart enough to know what D-Zerta is, let alone outsmart a quivering cube of it. > 55 cents per pound profit. > 17000 tons 34 million pounds . > $ 18,700,000 > But your ignorance is worth more than tat to you. You would much > rather hold on to that shack and be stupid then have 20 million bucks > to go blow. > remeber if I post boath ends of the leads > then the buyes sellers will be on the same page woth 20 millin bucks to > the first fucking dumbass that calls the export bank of the united > states gets it backed. > If I post it it is 20 million active us bucks up for grabs. > and IF its going to take me 10 inuts to post it the befor I do you > post the best price in brazil and asia and check usa price too. > befor I pop the leads on the page I want to see some ass bust in that > direction. What's an "ass bust"? Oh, you mean a "torso". While your interest in nude classical sculpture is to be commended -- it's the most culturally-enriching form of pornography yet invented -- I do believe we were talking about the way you like to cram 1,000 tons of raw chicken into each reefer you smoke. > OR I dont give a rats ass wat you think. Ass, ass, ass. What is it with you and asses? Wait, are you the one who wrote the script for "Gigli"? -- K. Is your thousand-ton pile of chicken worth more than an equivalent quantity of cosmetic lava? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WATCHING ATOMS MOVE Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 23:41:09 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > blink blink wipe wipe blink blink Well, there goes my theory that you couldn't blink your eyes and wipe your ass at the same time. -- K. Nice work, asswipe. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WATCHING ATOMS MOVE Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 17:02:47 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > holding the page up some more .. > damb nice page too. Hmm. I was wondering if there were a word I could use to say your brain is halfway between "damp" and "dumb". And now I know. > Im playing the movie from the page on a 60x130 inch HDTV plazma $ 40g > I have a better view then the edu has. But how do you hear the movie over all those "squish, squish" noises coming from your damb brain? > Kibooooooooo m > Kibo was the wooden string pupet in a street show in paris. > I have just installed an unforgetable fact into kibbo the street > pupets head. > I nead not prove that was the pupets name . You do if you want to win The Nobel Prize For Imaginary Puppets From France. > All I nead do is note the fact and Kibooo > will allways remeber him self as the steet string paris puppet beside > ponoakio . Stop trying to change the subject to Sanrio characters! I don't care whether you prefer Keroppi or Ponoakio or Tuxedo Sam. > Kiboo the puppet was a baddddd puppet. That's why my wallet says "BAD MOTHER FUCKER", slick. > They let children throw stones at Kiboo as part of the show. > > I just thinks that funnie as fuck kibboo > I didnt know that till I looked it up to find out just what the fuck > you are. > Now we all know ..now we all know > =A9=BF=A9 wipe wipe =96=A1=96 blink blink > The crew dose that when they see land. You know, if you were a 1967 TV show, this would be a failed attempt to start a teen dance craze. "Hey everyone! Do the Lowercase TJ! Wipe wipe, blink blink! Wipe wipe, blink blink!" But it could never cause people to forget such other immortal faux TV dance crazes as "Do the Twizzle" from "The Dick Van Dyke Show", "Do the Batusi" from "Batman", and "Do the Fonzie" from some other show. (Fonzie sure got damb after he jumped the shark in his leather jacket. And how the shark got into Fonzie's jacket, I'll never care.) -- K. Now let's all do the Batusi at Jack Rabbit Slim's. (Hold hands, you lovebirds!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WATCHING ATOMS MOVE Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 18:35:04 -0500 X-Very-Special-Header: Congrats to Marc for passing the Followup-To: header test Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > Im playing the movie from the page on a 60x130 inch HDTV plazma $ > > 40g I have a better view then the edu has. > > Not that anyone actually believes you or anything, > but I call "bullshit" on this. To quote Home Theater Focus: > > -> World's largest plasma display is Samsung's 80" 1920x1080 pixel > -> plasma monitor. This TV isn't available in retail, as only a limited > -> number were made. > > For those of you measuring at home, a 60x130 inch display > (if they actually made anything in a 2.17:1 aspect ratio, > which they don't), would be 143" diagonal. 143 is somewhat > larger than 80, last I checked. Be careful. You're using trigonometry. That sort of thing is unheard-of in sci.physics! You should do your calculations by channelling the ghosts of Atlanteans or something. > WAIT, I HAVE IT, YOU'RE A TIME TRAVEL FROM A DISTANT > HOME-THEATER FUTURE! That's better. It explains why he keeps claiming to be eight feet tall. Everyone knows that in the future, people will be taller because they'll keep stretching their necks when they watch those giant TV screens. An alternative hypothesis was that perhaps he secretly founded his own plasma television factory just to spend a billion dollars in research and development money to secretly produce a giant screen for his $99 WebTV, but I don't think he could count to a billion, let alone spend it. Occam's Razor suggests an even simpler, and therefore more scientific, explanation as to why Lowercase TJ can do magic: "Because he can do magic." He's a wizard. Or, as he'd spell it to save time, a wuzrd. But I prefer your explanation that he accidentally travelled through time by sitting too close to his giant radioactive TV screen. -- K. "If you sit too near the television, the eye muscles become tired trying to see so many things as the pictures change. If you sit further back, you do not see so many unimportant little things. Then your eyes do not become tired." -- "Protecting Our Eyes and Ears" (filmstrip), 1953 ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stilettos, thongs, and Viagra for tsunami relief Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 00:09:00 -0500 [apnews.myway.com] -> -> Some Tsunami Aid Useless for Damaged Areas -> -> Feb 11, 1:57 PM (ET) -> By Shimali Senanayake -> -> GALLE, Sri Lanka (AP) -- At the main warehouse in Galle, mountains -> of cardboard boxes and suitcases ready to burst take up a quarter -> of the cavernous building. Some are labeled "Aid for Tsunami -> Victims," but their contents -- winter jackets, expired cans of -> salmon, stiletto shoes, winter tents, thong panties and even -> Viagra -- have left Sri Lankans scratching their heads. Viagra is hideously expensive so I don't know why anyone would donate it instead of the enormous quantities of useful stuff the cash equivalent would bring. My assumption is that it's counterfeit (fake Viagra is all over the place) and someone wants to dispose of a quantity of hot Viagra and take a write-off. -> Unprecedented aid poured in after the Dec. 26 tsunami, but some -> of those wanting to help were perhaps too eager, shipping items -> of no use in tropical Sri Lanka. And seven weeks after the -> disaster, no one knows what to do with some supplies piled up at -> government buildings, aid agencies and refugee camps. -> -> "These items just cannot be used here," said storekeeper -> H. Wickremabandara, noting the average temperature is 82 degrees. -> "There are all these old clothes and no one wants them." So picky! Why don't they just tear up the old clothes to use them as rags for polishing their sports cars? -> Banners along the devastated coast read "Help the displaced" and -> "We need your help," with an arrow pointing to a nearby refugee -> camp. But authorities, aid workers and the displaced have a -> common plea -- no more clothes and bottled water, please. But then how will we get rid of all the unsold "I Survived The Tsunami Of 2004" t-shirts? -> In the warehouse in Galle, a hard-hit district where aid is -> being distributed to 120,000 people, cardboard boxes are stacked -> to the ceiling. -> -> Battered suitcases tied with rope or tape contain blankets, -> winter coats and woolen Mickey Mouse pajamas. One suitcase held -> only heavily embroidered curtains -- complete with steel hooks. Arthur C. Clarke can use them to refurbish his house. With those curtains closed, nobody will have to see him walking around in the silly Mickey Mouse pajamas, unless he gives the pajamas to his favorite houseboy. -> Boxes were torn apart by the weight of bottled water, some -> collecting dust as more unwanted stocks arrived. -> -> Although bottled water was initially needed urgently, most water -> sources have been restored and purification systems have been set -> up by aid agencies. Oh no! They're going to pour all the bottled water into the ocean! This will raise sea level all over the world, leading to more disasters, and we already gave away all our thong panties! -> Officials also complain that labels don't always tell the full -> story, meaning every box must be inspected. Three boxes labeled -> sheets actually contained wool blankets. Expired cans of salmon -> were found among clothes. -> -> In a country where most people wear flip-flops or sandals, some -> boxes held only used shoes, including soccer cleats, boots and -> silver evening shoes with 4-inch heels. Men's or women's? -> Most of these unusable supplies are from individual donors, -> small overseas charities or private companies. Others were from -> Sri Lankans who seemed to have cleared out their closets. So _that_ explains the crate of little boys who kept whimpering "Please don't write any more sequels to '2001'!" Oh dear, I've gone too far. -> [...] -> -> But clothes are the real problem. Keerthi de Soysa held her head -> as a truck unloaded seven cardboard boxes full of clothing at a -> makeshift camp in Balapitiya. -> -> "Oh no! More clothes," she said. "We're not beggars. We don't -> need these hand-me-downs." The Civilized World says you're beggars and you'll accept our smelly old underwear and like it so play along with our fantasy that you're more pathetic than we are or we'll nuke ya! -> The new arrivals will likely end up on a heap in the compound -> where refugees cook over open fires and use garments as pot holders. -> -> "It's clear that some people have sent clothes that are actually -> meant to be used as dusters," said Himali Fernando, another aid -> official. I'm sure everyone's sports cars are plenty dusty after the tsunami! -> "We don't mean to be ungrateful, but it would be appreciated -> if people take a little more care before just unloading their -> basements and garages." Don't forget attics! I'm donating "National Geographic" issues from 1953. -> An embarrassed Fernando said the black-and-pink thong underwear -> will not be offered to refugees. Nor would a spaghetti-strap, -> sequin-studded black evening dress. Still, she said, nothing will -> be thrown away. Warm clothing may be sent to shelters or to tea -> plantation workers in the hills, where the climate is cooler. And then the tea farmers will be all glammed up! Forget black tea and green tea, they'll be growing it in more fashionable colors! Mauve tea! Ecru tea! Teal tea! -> Among the most unlikely supplies sent in were six packs of Viagra -> from Australia, said Gandhi Saundararajan of the Tamil -> Rehabilitation Organization. -> -> "We were quite nonplussed," he said. Hey, someone left two cans of beer in my fridge. Busch, I think. How many stamps do I have to put on a can? -- K. Viagra is from Australia now? Then where does Spanish Fly come from? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Greatest headline ever written Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 00:31:44 -0500 A headline from 365gay.com's news page: -> Gay Penguins Resist 'Aversion Therapy'Ê "Holy homosexuality, Batman!" squealed Robin, "The Gay Penguin has struck again!" "Yes, old chum, I've had my eye on him for some time. Our only hope is to strap him down and give him aversion therapy." Using leftover sets from "A Clockwork Orange", Batman and his teenage adoptive manboy strapped the Gay Penguin down, clamped his eyelids open, and forced him to watch the most vile, disgusting gay porn imaginable so that he would be scared straight. But then the project broke so Batman and Robin just acted out the scenes themselves. The Gay Penguin was somehow able to resist this clever display of over-the-top superherosexuality! "Dynamic Dunderheads, your plan has failed! And now, I shall be leaving!" "Holy egress, Batman! The Gay Penguin's walking out of the theater!" "Yes, Boy Wonder, apparently in our haste to correct his deviance we strapped him to a chair that wasn't bolted down." "Holy half-assed heroism, Batman!" "But there is... still... one... last... hope. We must attempt to out-think the Gay Penguin to find out where he will strike next. Tell me, what does a penguin do when it rains?" "He... GETS WET!!!" "Right, and what do you call a wet penguin?" "A TAXI!!!" "Yes, and what color are Gotham taxis?" "CHECKERED!!! BATMAN, YOU'RE A GENIUS!" "That's right, my longtime companion, the Gay Penguin is going to steal the world's largest checkered opal from The Gotham Museum Of Priceless Patterned Pearls. At first I thought this was odd, as an opal is not a pearl, but upon reflection it makes perfect sense." "Gosh!" WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN STOP THE GAY PENGUIN'S GARGANTUANLY GROTESQUE GLOMMING OF THE PRICELESS PATTERNED PEARL WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY AN OBLATELY OVAL OPAL? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-CHANNEL! -- K. One of my police-supply catalogs is now selling sharpened steel Baterangs. I ask you, should our nation's police be allowed to have such things in their utility belts? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Disturbing TV commercials #20050212a and #20050212b. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 02:14:22 -0500 1.) A guy is cooking dinner while his girlfriend is on her way over. His big fluffy white cat knocks the pot of spaghetti sauce onto the floor. He grabs the cat to keep it out of the puddle of sauce. Girlfriend comes in and finds him standing over the large red spot, holding the cat in one hand and a carving knife in the other. It's an ad for some mortgage company that won't "be quick to judge". 2.) Various middle-aged men are going through their daily lives with their bored wives strapped to their backs (the women's feet dangle.) One guy even carries his wife into the men's room. It's an ad telling women to nag their husbands to get a colon cancer test. Now, I ask you, would it really make any difference if the punchlines of these two ads were switched? I think it might even be an improvement. It's like in that "Far Side" book where Gary Larson demonstrated that newspapers enjoyed swapping the captions of "The Far Side" and "Dennis The Menace" to make both strips funny instead of just one. -- K. "I see your skull sitting on a shelf..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Disturbing TV commercials #20050212a and #20050212b. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2005 17:15:14 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A guy is cooking dinner while his girlfriend is on her way over. > > His big fluffy white cat knocks the pot of spaghetti sauce onto the > > floor. He grabs the cat to keep it out of the puddle of sauce. > > Girlfriend comes in and finds him standing over the large red spot, > > holding the cat in one hand and a carving knife in the other. > > > > It's an ad for some mortgage company that won't "be quick to judge". > > I'll say. Any mortgage banker of mine would have to be hungry enough to > eat my cat. OR ELSE HE JUST DOESN'T WANT MY BUSINESS BAD ENOUGH! WHEN > HE LEAVES HERE I WANT NEGATIVE FIVE PERCENT INTEREST COMPOUNDED HOURLY, > FREE LAWN CARE, FULL CONJUGAL RIGHTS TO THAT BLONDE BABE WHO DOES THE > E-LOAN.COM ADS, AND KITTY'S FRESHLY STRIPPED SKELETON DRYING ON THE > DISH RACK! > > Ah, I feel so cleansed, somehow, having gotten that off my chest. You shouldn't be allowed to have a cat. Unless it's a Sanrio product. It's socially acceptable for you to eviscerate Hello Kitty, because she's from Japan, and Japanese people can't go a day without ripping the guts out of something -- if you don't believe me, just watch any of Takashi Miike's documentaries. Have you considered raising pets the neighbors wouldn't mind seeing you kill and eat? Like ducks. Everyone hates ducks. -- K. This is why Sanrio doesn't make any ducks. That, and because a duck without a mouth would look like a bowling pin. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mmm, chemically stabilized party fun Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 17:27:15 -0500 An exciting new Kibological party game: [Blake Eskin in www.newsday.com] -> -> Several years ago, at a tree-trimming party, a friend roped me -> into playing I Dare You to Eat That Chocolate. The rules are -> simple: Everyone sits in a circle around a Whitman's Sampler or -> an equivalent drug-store assortment that is approaching its -> expiration date and has been separated from the diagram of -> fillings. When it's your turn to eat a chocolate, the others -> nominate various candidates, speculate on what's inside, debate -> the potential perils of chemically stabilized nougat versus -> artificial strawberry creme. Once a consensus is reached, they -> dare you to eat that chocolate. You take a bite, then grimace or -> sigh with relief, and everyone laughs. -> -> I Dare You to Eat That Chocolate has become a holiday tradition -> among my friends, a decadent ritual with the tension and thrill -> of Russian roulette without its downside. Unless you have -> allergies, the worst that can happen is coconut. Sure, that sounds like a fun lame game, but for a fun exciting game it should involve (a) a tray of those weird little Japanese pastries from the Super 88 Supermarket, (b) assorted hot peppers, (c) various fluorescent-colored pickled vegetables from Yoshinoya, and (d) cubes of Spam, Treet, Lunk, Flerp, Proc, Glomp, Smuk, and several other imitations of Spam. So, who wants to play? I'll go first. Hey you, eat the runny thing. -- K. I prefer chemically-stabilized nougat to the old-fashioned mechanically-stabilized kind with the springs and counterweights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmm, chemically stabilized party fun Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:59:03 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > See, everyone trashes coconut, but it's my favorite. All > > hail coconut! > > Bleagh. Not as bad as crystallised ginger, but bad. No good food is capable of crystallizing. Except for pure sugar, but that's not a food, it's a dessert topping. > > And every time I get near a box of well-mapped assorted > > chocolates, the coconut is always the first to go. That is > > scienterrific prufe that everyone else loves coconut, too. > > No; it is merely confirmation of Sod's Law (otherwise known as > "The strong misanthropic principle"). Everybody hates coconut. > Therefore, by the ineluctable operation of Sod's Law, sure as > fate the first choccy they will pick in any randomly-assorted > choccy selection will be the bloody coconut. Mmm. John D, if you ever come over, I promise to make you something with lots of coconut and raspberry sauce while saying vague things about how it may or may not literally be "bloody coconut". And maybe I'll invite Penn Jillette over to further confuse you about which of the food is just Jell-O and which is really Teller's disembodied brain. Except I suspect Penn wouldn't want to come over because the time I met him I happened to be dressed exactly like he was in that one episode where he and Teller were leathermen and I could just sense that he was fighting not to roll his eyes when he shook my hand. (Hey, so what if we all shop at Wilson's, there's one at every mall.) Also, since when are people in the UK qualified to express opinions about chocolate? That's like asking an American about spicy food. -- K. I wish I were Mexican, then I could put spicy chocolate on everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmm, chemically stabilized party fun Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 19:04:45 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > coconut is teh ptoui. while it's certainly not the most disgusting > food item evar, it doesn't exactly *add* anything positive to the > dining experience. Then what about the Golden Banana over at the Chatta Box? It's the greatest dessert ever. They also do a nice appetizer of chicken strips breaded with coconut shreds before deep-frying, too. Both are so good your head could explode from the yum. However, the artificial coconut-flavored Life Savers you used to be able to get in drugstores were ecccccch. Do they still make those? They tasted sort of like a mixture of wax and bleach, except with a hole in the middle. -- K. Suddenly I'm hungry. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmm, chemically stabilized party fun Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 22:05:49 -0500 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They also do a nice appetizer of chicken strips breaded with coconut > > shreds before deep-frying, too. Both are so good your head could > > explode from the yum. > > that breaks one of the fundamental Laws of Nature: thou shalt not mix > savory and sweet foods. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Good food is about contrast. It's about sweet mixed with spicy and salty and bitter, crunchy with chewy and soft, red with green and yellow and brown, expensive mixed with cheap. Chatta Box has a hot and sour soup that is to die for -- it's really sweet and really hot and really sour and mmm it's so good I could explode just thinking about it. If you don't like to put sweet food on anything that's not already sweet, then why did I see you putting ketchup on everything? (Including your food.) -- K. Are you one of those people who makes your own barbecue sauce from 50% French's yellow mustard and 50% Welch's purple jelly? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmm, chemically stabilized party fun Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:55:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> I Dare You to Eat That Chocolate has become a holiday tradition > > -> among my friends, a decadent ritual with the tension and thrill > > -> of Russian roulette without its downside. Unless you have > > -> allergies, the worst that can happen is coconut. > > See, everyone trashes coconut, but it's my favorite. All hail coconut! > And every time I get near a box of well-mapped assorted chocolates, the > coconut is always the first to go. That is scienterrific prufe that > everyone else loves coconut, too. > So why all the coconut haters? I don't hate coconut. I enjoy its flavor, though the sort of compressed shredded dried rehydrated coconut carpeting they stuff Whitman's chocolates with has such a nasty waxy/hairy texture that I'd have to admit that, yes, coconut can be bad. Coconut-flavored ice cream is good. Fresh coconut can be good. The squishy coconut-like filling in an Almond Joy is tolerable. But in some of your "better" chocolates, they go overboard cramming in so much coconut that it undergoes some weird transformation into coconeutronium. Coconut should be used with subtlety to add flavor, not in gross quantities to change the texture from "candy" to "why am I chewing plastic Easter grass?" However, the intensity of people's reaction to coconut amazes me. So I don't like coconut under every circumstance. Big deal. At least I don't run off to the horizon screaming the way certain people do, people the reporter is implying he or she recognizes we're all aware of -- THE PEOPLE TERRIFIED OF A LITTLE COCONUT. People's food preferences are weird. Coconut is one of the least-threatening bad foods out there and yet people react to it like it's alive and squirming and wearing clown makeup. [this article originally contained a story about someone who didn't want carrots in his spaghetti sauce but it was removed because the story was almost as pointless as this placeholder] > > So, who wants to play? > > > > I'll go first. Hey you, eat the runny thing. > > Considering what I put in my mouth this weekend, I shouldn't be picky. I'LL BE OVER AT SIX! > But I am, and I refuse to play the game unless the consistency of the > mystery food is at least semi-solid or above. Good food should be partly semi-solid and partly not semi-solid. Good food always has "glop"-nature, "crunch"-nature, and "thud"-nature all at the same time. How else could you explain America's obsessive love affair with pizza? Pizza sauce is glop, pizza crust is crunch, and pizza overall is thud. Poutine, however, has no crunch and only limited thud, which is why Americans hate it. (Canadians have their own system of food preferences, which is that they like exactly the same food as Americans but they also love anything Americans refuse to eat.) -- K. [in reference to a few paragraphs I chose not to post just now:] Maybe I should put some coconut in the spaghetti sauce and claim it's new "super onion". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: coconuttier than a cakefruit (was: chemically stabilized party fun) Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:16:00 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > See, everyone trashes coconut, but it's my favorite. All hail coconut! > > And every time I get near a box of well-mapped assorted chocolates, the > > coconut is always the first to go. That is scienterrific prufe that > > everyone else loves coconut, too. > > That's not actually true; loving coconut proves that there is a > plutonium atom in the center of your brain which makes you a super- > genius and also contains the entire universe inside itself, except > for coconuts, which are extradimensional (specifically width and flurgth). Uh oh. Stand back, her glittering is actually radioactivity! We're on to you, Plutonium Ninja! Are you now, or have you ever been, an incoherent German? And could you please post a recipe for spaghetti with puttanesca sauce? I know how to make it the regular way, but I could really use a special Plutonium-powered recipe just so I'd know what not to do. -- K. I'd stuff Popsicles into whole coconuts and try to pass them off as black olives, right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Don't read this, it might give you AIDS. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 00:27:57 -0500 [www.nytimes.com] -> -> Gay Users of Internet Play Down Concerns Over New Strain of AIDS -> -> By Damien Cave -> Published: February 14, 2005 -> -> Alerts popped like flashbulbs all over the Web this weekend as -> news of a rare and potentially more aggressive form of H.I.V., -> first reported publicly in New York on Friday, spread through gay -> chat rooms, Web logs, dating sites and e-mail. Oh no! I forgot to check my E-mail for viruses before I read it! I might have caught this new version of AIDS that goes through the Internet! Also, I've been using the Internet since the 1980s but I've never seen a single flashbulb. Either my Internet is defective or I'm not on as many drugs as the average New York Times reporter. -> Officials said the H.I.V. strain had been detected in an -> unidentified man who, while using crystal methamphetamine, had -> engaged in unprotected anal sex with multiple partners. Gay users -> of the Web, especially those who initiate sexual encounters -> online, had ample reason for concern: the man had apparently met -> some of those partners on an unnamed Web site. KIDS, DON'T DO METH -- IT MIGHT LEAD TO YOU USING THE INTERNET!!! Also it might make you see flashbulbs all over the Internet. -> And yet, while a touch of anger and fear could be found among the -> Web's textual din, some of the most popular gay dating and -> discussion sites buzzed with the usual banter of love and lust, -> with many of those online advising against panic. "Textual din"? Excuse me, but "textual din"? This from a company whose main product is a bedsheet-size ragged-edged sheet of flimsy gray paper covered with incredibly tiny little smeary black letters and the occasional ad for dry cleaning? I'd say the New York Times is more dinnish than the Web in whatever bizarro imaginary way they're asserting that the Web makes noise when you read it 'cause of there being text ALL OVER it and stuff. The Times is not only harder to read, but The Web doesn't even rustle when you wad it up and shove it behind your subway seat like the Times! -> Health officials said the new strain was worrisome because it had -> resisted nearly all the drugs used to treat the viral infection -> and had progressed swiftly to full-fledged AIDS. When a -> participant in a popular gay forum at Craigslist.org, an online -> bulletin board, who identified himself as armyjackson1 asked on -> Saturday if he was the only one "freaked out" by the news, the -> responses recommended calm. -> -> "Let's not freak out," a user with the ID jrzcty wrote. Another -> said: "Use protection, steer clear of party drugs, and encourage -> your friends to do the same. This is no time to freak out -- it's -> just time to sober up." To sum up, here's every story the New York Times has printed in the past year: WE HATE THE WEB THE WEB SUCKS NOBODY HAS EVER READ A BLOG DEATH TO THE WEB NEWSPAPERS RULE and in other news some stuff happened, here's what some random guy on CraigsList said about it because we can't think of anything to say unlike THOSE BASTARDS ON THE INTERNET WHO ALWAYS SEEM TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THOSE SMARTYPANTSES OH THE DIN THE UNBEARABLE TEXTUAL DIN IS DRIVING US INSANE!!! -> It was much the same at other sites. For example, the new strain -> of the virus, which one Web log labeled "H.I.V. 2.0," attracted -> little interest at Gay.com. The site, which maintains more than -> four million dating profiles and has about 30,000 users online at -> any given time, manages dozens of chat rooms. [...] Heh heh, they said "log". And "gay". And something with a dot in it. That's funny dot haha! -> [...] -> -> "If the guy had multiple partners, he could have picked up a -> bunch of different mutations to begin with," he wrote. "There is -> still a lot of scientific 'what abouts' and 'what ifs' that go -> along with this story." ...scientific questions which can only be answered by turning to a hundred-fifty-year-old newspaper to find out what some guy said on CraigsList! Geez, I'm starting to think I'm a serious journalist because I usually put more effort into researching my stupid a.r.k articles about "Match Game" slot machines and edible underpants than the New York Times does in its attempts at fearmongering. And that makes me sad. I don't want to be a serious journalist! I just want the New York Times to come up to my level and publish well-researched articles about edible undies! -> [...] -> -> Others went even further in dismissing the warning. In the -> misc.health.aids Usenet group found through Google, Wait! Go back! You didn't say how you found CraigsList.com! Did you type "CragisList.com" into Google or did you go to AskJeeves and type "What is the address of CraigsList.com?"? Also, how did you find Google? -> [...] -> -> Jon, a 33-year-old New York escort who uses the Web site -> Manhunt.com, a popular gay dating site, said [...] When TV news gets lazy, they show footage of some guy in a radio station listening to phone calls from random people. When the New York Times gets lazy, they don't even bother going to the radio station, they just surf the Web. Either that or this reporter got caught surfing gay dating sites at work and had to make up an excuse fast. -- K. Now if you'll give me a moment, I need to make up an excuse to research edible underpants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't read this, it might give you AIDS. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:53:05 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [New York Times article] > > -> Jon, a 33-year-old New York escort who uses the Web site > > -> Manhunt.com, a popular gay dating site, said [...] > > If that's a gay personals site, then the owners are doing a good job > of hiding the personals. Maybe they're behind the "Weekly Scripture" > link or embedded somehow in the MP3s of gospel music. bzzt whirrrrr EVALUATING POSSIBLE RESPONSES 1.) Haw haw, I made Kevin look for gay personals and I turned Kevin gay all by myself with just a little help from the New York Times. REJECT REJECT REJECT too obvious and besides it's only funny if Kevin doesn't want to be gay and we don't know that especially because he did cruise the Web for a mandate just now. 2.) Haw haw, Kevin doesn't know that gospel music is the same thing as gay porn. REJECT REJECT REJECT not worthwhile because it doesn't make any sense, as opposed to my goal of "worthwhile because it doesn't make any sense." 3.) Haw haw, Kevin thought something printed in the New York Times might be accurate in some way. YES BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FAILURE OF CREATIVITY -- DO NOT POST bzzzt whirrrrrrrrrr click click thud -- K. By the way, I AM NOT A ROBOT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What month is it where you live? Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:01:44 -0500 Today in the mail I got an advertising flyer for a sale I might have enjoyed had I not noticed the flyer said "SALE ENDS 1/31/2005". Because it was postage-prepaid junk mail, there was no postmark on it, so I don't know if the people were lazy and mailed it two weeks late or if the Post Office chose to hold it back and run bomb-sniffing dogs over it for two weeks to make sure it didn't contain some sort of letterbomb with a two-week-long fuse. And since the subway train I'm sitting on just announced that it would be "standing by" (i.e. "stopped") for a while, I might as well tell another pointless story: While at the mall just now, in the DVD section of Best Buy, I overheard this wonderful quote: "I don't care if it's a good movie, if dey ain't promotin' it I ain't gonna see it!" Sadly, I did not find out to which movie he was referring, but he was standing in front of "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle" when he said that. (I was looking for "Baby Geniuses 2" to see if the price was down to 99c yet. "Baby Geniuses 1" is at $5.99. Thus endeth today's report on The Baby Geniuses Index here in the financial pages of alt.religion.kibology.) Yay, the train's moving. Uh oh, I just realized -- I have mail from last month -- this might be the train from "A Subway Named Moebius". Am I trapped in the fourth dimension forever? I'll know when I get to Copley Under. -- K. Most of the junk mail I got today is printed in Korean. My real mailbox is starting to look like my E-mail box. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Carrot Top Refuses to Sell Out. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:22:07 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I know a woman who has Carrot Top's signature tattoed on her body. > Reminds me of Kibo's law of inverse fandom (as demonstrated by Seaquest.) You're the only one who likes that law. -- K. So what font are you going to get it tattooed in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey look! A vaguely naughty sex toy! Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 01:11:59 -0500 You know those so-called "erotic dice", that have the names of different erotic activities printed on them in case you would rather do random foreplay than just do whatever you want to do? Well, recently I saw an item where the company was 33% more creative than a regular erotic dice company -- they'd actually come up with eight ideas -- but as we all know, eight-sided dice are Satanic because they're associated with "Dungeons & Dragons". So, this clever company put the eight ideas on the sides of a little spinning plastic thing... It's a dreidel. An unacknowledged dreidel. An erotic dreidel. That's just so wrong on so many levels, while still being one of the lamest things ever. One wonders what lyrics you'd have to sing for an eight-sided erotic version of the dreidel song. "I made you out of clay" has better scansion than "I purchased you at the pornography store after a factory made you out of pink polystyrene." -- K. Someday real dreidels will all have eight sides -- in addition to the boring "put" and "take" stuff, they'll add four Whammies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hey look! A vaguely naughty sex toy! Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 18:25:21 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- but as we all know, eight-sided dice are Satanic because they're > > associated with "Dungeons & Dragons". So, this clever company put > > the eight ideas on the sides of a little spinning plastic thing... > > > > It's a dreidel. > > So if I make an eight-sided dreidel and all the other kinds I would need > I can play Dungeons & Dragons and still go to heaven? What a relief. > Do I have to make a six-sided dreidel too? Then you'll just go to Jewish Heaven. It's like regular Heaven except... wow, this idea became lame and tired _that_ fast? I shoulda bailed out of this a sentence ago. Um... How 'bout the current hockey season? Wouldn't it have been more fun than this? Why couldn't they have cancelled "Dungeons & Dragons" season instead? The d12 could have gone on strike or something. Then we could all be watching Dominic Hasek playing for the Senators. Instead, all the sports channels are showing Gary Gygax computing encumbrance. And I hate computing encumbrance. You shouldn't have to drag out the periodic table to look up the atomic weight of mithril every time you want to figure out how many tens of thousands of coins you can keep in your pants. -- K. In Jewish Heaven, the same rules apply, but the pants are better tailored. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Naval Railgun: Barrel Design or Power Supply? Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 01:52:18 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Mr . > You take that mono rail gun on the ground and fire it , it will pull the > dog tag threw 18 heads. > What makes you think we dont have an ion cannon ? > Im ex navy . So what are you now? Cyan? Teal? > I can do what you cant. > You assume too much about me . So we should be assuming you're less than stupid? > What makes you think the electric weponds list is not just a smoke > screen ? > My lack of manor ?? Pardon me, I think I need to go get the Obvious Bag out of the clothes dryer... > You want to biuld a wepond that could knock a city down and said you > are an officer. > I pulled the first page up on rail guns and you never saw that page. > rather than defend your assumtions of rail guns and posible power > suplies and merit what I say with any science your playing politics. > YOU dont think I act like the captain and ship master , then why do I > treat you like ricky recrute ? Because you're Lucy Retardo? > was your comander nic to you in boot camp ? > Did he tuck you in at night ?? Excuse me, but you misspelled-- oh, never mind, get in the bag, you babaloozer. -- K. Lucy, you got some splainin' to garble! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Short shameful confession. Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 02:00:59 -0500 So my TiVo recorded "Supernanny" because I've given it standing orders to record anything that has a large, obvious misspelling in the opening title sequence ("Unites States") and when I looked at the program listing in the blurry little TiVo font (ITC Franklin Gothic, if you must know) on my blurry old TV, the episode title "Weston Family" looked like "Wheaton Family" for about a tenth of a second and I was hoping the Supernanny would teach Wil Wheaton all about the Naughty Corner. You know, he'd be on TV a lot more often if his kids were brats, what with "Nanny 911" and "Supernanny" and what I assume is an impending wave of hundreds of other absolutely identical shows where nannies discipline children for people's amusement. Also, Worf could be the nanny. -- K. Isn't the Neutral Zone just the galaxy's biggest Naughty Corner? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 18:31:56 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, he'd be on TV a lot more often if his kids were brats, > > what with "Nanny 911" and "Supernanny" and what I assume is an > > impending wave of hundreds of other absolutely identical shows where > > nannies discipline children for people's amusement. > > So why aren't you pushing for the show about "Kibo comes to the home > of an unsuspecting suburban family to live with them for a week. > If they survive, they get to pay for all of ARK to come to their place > for 'ARKple of the Week'". Sorry, but that would be too much like those creepy nanny shows, and a we all know from watching them, men can't be nannies or any other form of child caretaker. The nanny has to be a woman who has to give the mother, who is also a woman, advice on caring for the kids while the husband, who claims to be a man, is at work having fun. A better idea would be a competition between "Supernanny" and "Nanny 911" to see which one has better nannies -- we'd see whether either show could send over a nanny which would stop me from jumping and and down and screaming "NA-NA BOO-BOO POO-POO-HEAD!" and finding a means to cleverly escape from The Naughty Corner. "HEY, LOOK, NANNY! I CAN COME IN! I CAN GO OUT! IN! OUT! BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE BECAUSE YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT SO MY FAMILY OWNS YOU! NA-NA BOO-BOO POO-POO-HEAD!" I'd break those nannies fast. I'm tired of these shows having crying brats all the time. I want to see the nannies broken. -- K. Also I'd need a splurge gun. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short shameful confession. Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 05:10:26 -0500 Josh Zhixel (myfirstname@zhixel.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Isn't the Neutral Zone just the galaxy's biggest Naughty Corner? > > The Neutral Zone always seems to be like the OTHER boy's bathroom at > school where all the Romulans hang out and smoke in between class. Romulans don't smoke... do they? Damn, I've been using the wrong bathroom. On "Star Trek" I never caught anyone smoking. They just kept going on shore leave to get drunk whenever they got tired of going to the ship's bar to get drunk, and in between duty shifts they gambled their brains out at old-style analog poker. And then they'd all go beat women while making big speeches about how women aren't really human because no woman can be intelligent because women have icky emotions that men don't. But they never, ever smoked. This is because in the future nobody needs to go to the bathroom, so they didn't have any bathrooms to smoke in. What a hollow, smoke-free experience their lifetimes of constant drinking, gambling, and womanizing were back when that was the future. Anyway, let me know where the galaxy's secret bathroom is so I can go hang out with the Romulans, because if the Romulans smoke, they're cool. Kids, you should always try to be exactly like anyone who is cool, and people who smoke are cool. Live long and prosper and smoke. -- K. Can my Naughty Corner be in my Primal Scream room? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 05:54:52 -0500 Ben Allard (ben.allard@gmail.com) wrote: > > HIV 'could destroy cancer cells': > > http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4257783.stm Hey! Don't link, quote, you weenie who doesn't care if those of us who read Usenet from within the bowels of the Earth's subway system can't go over to the BBC's Web site to learn that AIDS cures cancer but not vice versa! Fortunately, I'm not on the subway right now, I'm at home rewinding the DVD I just watched of Richard Pryor cursing. So that means I can visit the BBC to quote the article for the enlightenment of all. [from the BBC] -> -> HIV 'could destroy cancer cells' -> -> US scientists hope to be able to use a harmless form of the Aids -> virus to seek and destroy cancer cells. The deadly one is called "AIDS". The harmless one is called "Aids". Actually, it's only 3/4 harmless because it's still got one capital. Scientists hope to soon discover "lowercaids" which would not only be harmless, but cute. Also, paste in standard rant about how AIDS is not the same as HIV yadda yadda yadda. -> A University of California team found an "impotent" version of -> HIV, with the disease-causing parts of it removed, tracked down -> cancer cells in mice. Mice can catch human HIV? That's bad news. The question is whether mice can catch dog HIV, 'cause I hear Mickey is fucking Goofy. Hmm, proper capitalization sort of stomps on that punchline. Maybe we can give Goofy lowercaids to get rid of his big "G". DEAR DISNEY, PLEASE GIVE GOOFY aids THANKS. -> The next step would be to insert a gene into the virus that would -> kill the cancer upon contact. "Step 2: Then a miracle occurs." Put Gary Larson to work on this project to make his cartoon come true. (Note: That cartoon was actually by S. Harris when I saw it, and still is, but everyone on the Web insists it was drawn by Larson, so I'm going to pretend they're right so as not to offend bozos who have never heard of a second cartoonist.) -> The team told Nature Medicine more safety studies were needed -> before such a method could be tested in humans. -> -> Gene therapy You can get that from the guy who has the sign GENE THE RAPIST Put Benny Hill to work on this project to make his sign come true. -> The mice they studied had a form of skin cancer, called melanoma, -> that had spread to the lungs. Chris Rock is the voice of Gene The Rapist! Laurence Fishburne is Mel Anoma! David Hyde Pierce is... oh, never mind, I think I'm the only one who liked that movie. -> In the laboratory, the scientists took HIV and removed the parts -> of the virus that causes disease. -> -> They then stripped off the virus' outer coat and redressed it -> with the outer suit of another virus. Just 'cause HIV used to be more common among gay men than straights is no reason to give it a fabulous makeover from Carson Kressley. Come on, don't stereotype HIV. Some of those viruses choose to live inside straight people! (And hopefully, someday, all of them will, once the Vast Gay Conspiracy discovers an HIV cure that only works on gay people!) -> By doing this, the researchers had changed the target of the -> virus. -> -> HIV normally infects immune cells called T cells. The new outer -> coat instead directed HIV to hunt down molecules present on -> cancer cells, called P-glycoproteins. -> -> The scientists also added a substance to the virus that would -> make it visibly glow when looked at with a special camera so they -> could track where it travelled once injected into the mice. "Visibly glow", as opposed to the Hanna-Barbera Theory Of Glowy Stuff which says that glowing things make loud "WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO" noises. "I hear that ghost glowing, but I don't see any glowing! He just has an outline hastily scribbled around him with a grease pencil, as if he has 'Peanuts'-style B.O.! Still, he sure sounds like he's glowing." -> Researcher Dr Irvin Chen, from UCLA's Aids Institute, said: "The -> virus travelled through the bloodstream and homed straight to the -> cancer cells in the lungs, where the melanoma had migrated. -> -> "Gene therapy has been hampered by the lack of a good carrier. How about Delta Airlines? Every one of their planes seems to carry at least three new strains of flu viruses. Not to mention some of their in-flight entertainment causes cancer. -> "Our approach proves that it is possible to develop an effective -> carrier and reprogram it to target specific cells in the body." Hey, can it be the brain cells that make me wonder if I should look up whether there are 16 arshins in a vershok or 16 vershoks in an arshin? I'd like there to be a virus that makes me forget specific pieces of trivia that I only halfway learned in the first place. Thanks! -- K. Unless, of course, it's discovered that the cure for the Delta flu is knowing what a vershok is. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 18:54:32 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just 'cause HIV used to be more common among gay men than straights > > is no reason to give it a fabulous makeover from Carson Kressley. > > Used to be? > > http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/stats.htm -- looks like men are thrice as > likely to catch it through male-to-male contact as through heterosexual > contact. Thrice as likely, even though only ten percent of us > engage in that behavior. So, per capita, it's twenty-seven times > as likely. There aren't separate rows for pitching and catching. A-hem. Learn to read or you'll get AIDS. From the chart on that page of "Estimated # of AIDS Cases, in 2003": Male-to-male sexual contact: 17,969 Injection drug use: 9,449 Male-to-male sexual contact and injection drug use: 1,877 Heterosexual contact: 13,260 Other: 577 Assuming the second row is a disjoint set from the third row (i.e. the heroin users in the second row are non-gay), this means that during that year there were 9,449+13,260 = 22,709 straight cases, 17,969+1,877 = 19,846 gay cases, and 577 people who caught it from dirty toilet seats. If the second row includes all the people on the third row -- which would be a pretty stupid way to draw this chart, but let's try it anyway -- that would be 13,260+9,449-1,877 = 20,832 who got it the straight way, and still only 17,969+1,877 = 19,846 who got it the gay way. Of course, those are "estimated" numbers, so they might be off by one or two people, as the CDC's gaydar vans can't afford to drive through every neighborhood. It also assumes everyone who gets AIDS (other than those 577 confused people) has a sexual orientation one way or the other, but for legal purposes you kind of have to declare one so that you'll know which TV shows you can watch. There are also millions of people in Africa who got Straight AIDS because they'd rather have AIDS than wear condoms, but they don't count, because non-Americans aren't white enough. So, Nick, if you want to play the odds, to reduce your risk of getting the AIDS cooties, better turn gay fast, and stay the hell away from those 577 people who don't even know how they got it. Oh, and don't write any more sequels to "Foundation". > > Come on, don't stereotype HIV. Some of those viruses choose to live > > inside straight people! (And hopefully, someday, all of them will, > > once the Vast Gay Conspiracy discovers an HIV cure that only works > > on gay people!) > > Do you mean it'll cure only genetically gay people, or it can only be > cured by people who engage in homosexual activity? If the latter, > then what about those gay people who can't even get a piece at the > rest stop on the interstate? They wind up being chased around flea markets by doggies. -- K. Have scientists yet tested whether giving me all the candy in the world will cure other people of AIDS? Hey, they can't prove it won't work if they haven't tried it! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: women go yakety yakety yak (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:28:36 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: | | Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: | > | > Women are, too, but I have a problem with women not shutting the | > fuck up enough. | > It's completely sexist to say that, but goddammit, how many times have | > you heard some lady yammer on and on and on about pantihose or her best | > girlfriend or the brand of oven cleaner she uses... shut the fuck up! | > We don't care! | > This isn't a bi,gay or even sexist thing,you know. > It's why I wear my headphones at work (99% women) for 8 > full hours until my ears hurt listening to U2 over and over and > over,sometimes at ear damaging decibels to drown it out. (Which reminds > me,I'm sick of U2 and REM now and am going to start wearing the headset > made for shooting loud guns before I have to start learning sign > language.) Don't get those silly placebo "noise-cancellation" headphones that cost a fortune at Sharper Image and Brookstone. They bascially take out the background rumble of the air-conditioner but leave all conversation, so they would actually seem to make the speech louder. The companies don't print this on the box: "WARNING: THESE MAKE WOMEN LOUDER!" > > I shot her in the head with my crossbow. Teh enb. > > Can I borrow that for awhile? I'll return it when there's > SILENCE in the workplace! Or at least some occasional muted yet > intelligent conversation that doesn't involve clothes or makeup. > Even politics would be okay except most of these women think CSPAN > is an infomercial for spandex and an engineer is the guy who drives > the choo-choo train. Makeup is something us guys will never understand (well, most of us.) If women really have figured out exactly how they want to recolor their face down to using this thing on the edges of the eyelids, this thing on the upper eyelid, this thing on the eyebrow, etc., why don't they just get tattoos? Tattoos are better because you can make 'em say clever things just like bumper stickers, and you don't have to worry about them washing off if you ever take a bath. -- K. Let's talk about potato chips. What color do you think they should be? White, beige, yellow, tan, or brown? And what brand makeup would you put on them to make them that way? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: women go yakety yakety yak (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:57:39 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > [Hey girls,] Tattoos are better [than using makeup] because you can | > make 'em say clever things just like bumper stickers, and you don't | > have to worry about them washing off if you ever take a bath. | > Three reasons I wouldn't ever consider that: > 1) It's not regulated. That's actually a plus. It means you can get it done by whoever you want. And I'd be happy to do it for you for a very reasonable price measured in pounds of candy. > 2) Have you ever wondered what tattooed eyeliner > would look like if applied by someone with Parkinson's? No? Me either. That's a reason you should hurry up and have it done now before I get old and develop some neurological condition which makes my hands shake instead of me just being unable to tell the cast of "Gonin" apart. > But that does apply to reason number > > 3) I told_ you before I get squicked out when it comes to sharp > implements around my eyebulbs. I still have nightmares about > that one eyebulb scene in "A Clockwork Orange". Yeah, well, so does Malcolm MacDowell. Allegedly he has a severe phobia about eyedrops just because he went temporarily blind after a scratch was accidentally gouged into his cornea during one of the 583 takes Kubrick did of that scene. Note that I used the word "accidentally", because we're not talking about Takashi Miike. > > -- K. > > > > Let's talk about > > potato chips. What > > color do you think > > they should be? > > White, beige, > > yellow, tan, or > > brown? And what > > brand makeup > > would you put on > > them to make them > > that way? > > The blue,red,purple and green ones are the best.Especially if > they're still warm and fresh from the oven served with copious amounts > of freshly made salsa. But the rest of the world calls those tortilla > chips,not potato chips. The only real potato chips I like are BBQ > flavored. I used to like barbecue-flavored chips, but I have to stop liking them now because you're such a formattingfuckerupper. Every year I make my right margin a little bigger for those postscripts and every year the people who write computer software make it more aggressive about shredding other people's formatting. And as someone who turns off automatic word-wrap because I like to shuffle the line breaks around by hand in order to create the MOST PERFECT RIGHT MARGIN HUMANLY POSSIBLE -- where the rag isn't too jagged and the longest line is in the middle of the paragraph and there aren't any line breaks aren't in the middle of proper names and the last word isn't on a line by itself and the word spaces in several adjacent lines don't line up like the ones I'm leaving above the "j" on the previous line just to punish you, I can truthfully say that it's unimportant that this sentence is too long to be well-written because it's well-formatted, dammit, and don't you go bouncing the words around like a spastic Arkanoid. Also, if you like green potato chips, I think the Lay's factory will sell you their rejects real cheap if you sign something about how you won't sue them after you drop dead. > I'm getting a craving for good Mexican food now.I wonder what time > Carreta's opens up? What is Carreta's, some sort of Italian restaurant? -- K. My local market is having a big sale on that lame chili that comes in milk cartons. It's very wet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 03:25:34 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] Well, I did know three or four girls in college (and soon after) > who claimed to be bisexual, but never actually consummated it. I don't > mean just by not having had sex with another girl, but never even dated or > flirted with another. My first thought was "Oh, she's `bi-curious', or > just a little unsure". Actually, my first thought was "YEAH, BABY! WOAH", > but that was my second thought. But after meeting a couple more girls in > the same situation, eventually I started wondering if they subconciously > thought it was "cool" to call themselves bisexuals. Maybe that was the > trendy thing to do in the late 90s/turn of the century. Actually, recently, in some places it is ' 'cool' ' for teenage girls to claim to be bi. This is really how coolness begins -- kids start doing something that would normally mark them as deviates / outsiders / a minority, just for shock value, and then that becomes the new norm within their clique. In other words, "bi" is the new "goth". Actually, I guess "bi" is the old "goth" too. I am so glad I'm not bi and/or goth. I chose a style that hasn't changed since Marlon Brando invented it in 1953, dagnabbit, so if this look wasn't out of style by 1978, it never will be! Just think, in 2045 you might be seeing elderly goth chicks if the bisexual female community freezes that style the way the sado-butch gay community did when they stole the early-'50s biker style. After all, you still see a hippie stereotype (either elderly or young) or even an '80s-style punk rocker once in a while, so maybe if the "Goth" look has fused with the "bi girl" look that'll preserve it. Quick, we need to get some other alternative lifestyle groups to claim the hippie and punk looks before they go extinct. -- K. Hmm, if Tom of Finland were still alive, would he have finished up his punk rock period and transitioned to a Goth guy period by now? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: groovy hippies (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:43:36 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > Quick, we need to get some other alternative lifestyle groups to | > claim the hippie and punk looks before they go extinct. | > Hey now, for historical purposes, I hereby volunteer to be ARK's official > hippie. I think that the moment you "volunteer" to be an "official" anything, you're no longer a real hippie, narc. > There are still lots of us around, we just went (further) underground, only > to surface when the Dead are on tour, or when the Rainbow Family Gathering > comes around. It's more fun that way and getting beat-up for having long > hair is almost unheard of anymore. Who are the Dead? Were they some group that used to be popular in the 1990s? -- K. Not that I'd trust your answer to that question, narc! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: dippy hippies (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:47:17 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: | | Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: | > | > Hey now, for historical purposes, I hereby volunteer to be ARK's | > official hippie. > > Prepare to get your ass kicked. > > --oTTo-- > > Ark's Official Hippie since 2002 Lookie here, maw! Hippie fight! They's gonna be shootin' each other with the rifles with the flowers in 'em barrels. Yee-haw! Let's us prepare to cook us up a messa hippie stew! -- K. This is sort of if "Mr. Show" and "Deliverance" were the same thing instead of just very similar things. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: biological leather (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:31:05 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] > > You mean that the wardrobe choices you make because of your sexual > orientation aren't determined biologically? How else do you explain > The Village People? With economics, not biology. They got paid to do that. It's because Jacques Morali wanted to be as rich and famous as Tom Of Finland without having to actually have any artistic talent. It's all in that biopic Jacques Morali made about himself, "Can't Stop The Music", except that in the movie his name wasn't foreign and he wasn't gay and the Village People weren't gay but otherwise it was all about the true story of Jacques Morali creating an incredibly sucky band to make money. Now ask me what could have inspired The Monkees, the original "Battlestar Galactica", and Burger King's "Burger Buddies". -- K. Hint: Money causes bad pop culture. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 00:51:44 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: | | | | Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: | | | | | > it's too difficult for some people's widdle brains to comprehend. | | | > Actually, any sexuality other than my own is difficult for my widdle | > brain to comprehend. | > I was just angry in general. Not at you. You know I wuv you in all > caps with some kinky punctuation thrown in. Oh yes, yes, kinky punctuation! Dot dot dot and the world's curliest straight quotes! Jam that hyphen past that colon! I hope you're enjoying that I've decided to resurrect the fancified Usenet nested quotation style I used to do before I somehow forgot all about it. I don't think it ever caught on among the general public, either, unlike my use of "->" instead of ">" to indicate when I'm quoting material from outside Usenet. But I may keep trying this style even though it requires manually inserting all those hard-to-type "|"s. > > 1. Four out of the five scariest women in my life have been bisexual, > > Bisexuality is the sexuality of choice for crazies, kooks, and nutters. > NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Four out of five scary female dentists recommend bisexual gum for their patients who enjoy screwing gum. So, are you very Wrigley? > > 2. Bisexual women appear to be more common than gay men AND lesbians, > > combined. My gut tells me that this isn't mathematically possible > > to occur in nature. > > I think being bi can be more of a "choice" than being gay or straight. > Not much choice with me, really, although I wish it was. Because it's > tough being a xenophobe and a bisexual. How does that happen? Hey, it's possible to be a homophobe and a homo at the same time, too. Different sub-groups within the community don't necessarily get along. Yes, I know this means people are weird. But weird is normally good so I'll excuse it in this case. > > [...] The typical pattern I've seen in the bisexual women I know is: > > they date lots and lots of men, then they SWEAR OFF MEN and get into > > a lesbian relationship, and then sometime later they forget about > > women and start dating men again, though perhaps not as many. > > Well if it makes you feel better, that's not even close the pattern (if > you can call it that) that I experienced. When I was pretty young, about > 7 or so, I already knew I was attracted to pretty ladies. But all in all > I haven't had a whole lot of romantic experiences either way. It was > never a rebellion against men. Men are fine. Men are just dandy. Women > are, too, but I have a problem with women not shutting the fuck up enough. Gee, I can think of many solutions to that problem. WINK! > It's completely sexist to say that, but goddammit, how many times have > you heard some lady yammer on and on and on about pantihose or her best > girlfriend or the brand of oven cleaner she uses... shut the fuck up! We > don't care! Yeah, that stuff belongs on a.r.k, not in real life! Here on a.r.k, we don't even know the meaning of "e/n"! Today I decided to buy thick spaghetti instead of thin fettucini because although they had the same cross-sectional area, the roundness was more appealing because rotational symmetry tastes good. Also I bought a pint of "natural" blackberry ice cream which is actually made from marionberries with beet juice for color. > Like today. New co-worker, 19 year old male, makes a sexist comment > about all women craving chocolate because women are PMSing all the time. > My reaction? FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIMPLY FACED TEENAGER FUCK PUSBUCKET > ASSFUCK TARDNOSE BEANTWAT HEADPOOP CRACKFUCK. The southern female > co-worker (who is ironically named "Brenda", for those of you keeping > score at home) also reacts. She says, "Yeah, we women have all these > cravings for chocolate because we PMS all the time! Hee hee hee." > My reaction? I shot her in the head with my crossbow. Teh enb. Can it be an arbalest? It really floats my boat when someone cocks an arbalest. And there's something about the feel of a really well-balanced mace in your hand. You know Gary Larson's cartoon about the Viking with the brand-new mace? That's one where the punchline's not spelled out but everyone understands it anyway because we all share this urge to smash gum bubbles with maces. Why do you keep talking about gum? -- K. Double your pleasure, double SMASHING IS FUN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 22:32:55 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Bisexuals aren't indecisive. It's very clear, we are attracted to both > > men and women. What's so hard to understand about that? Where is it > > written that people have to "pick a side" or else they're wrong? I guess > > it's too difficult for some people's widdle brains to comprehend. > > Actually, any sexuality other than my own is difficult for my widdle > brain to comprehend. But bisexuality in women has the following memes > for me. > > 1. Four out of the five scariest women in my life have been bisexual, > not to mention a decent sprinkling of the generally unstable-seeming > ones. Yeah, but it's all your fault. You made them unstable by refusing to become bisexual enough to satisfy these women in _both_ the ways they enjoyed. > 2. Bisexual women appear to be more common than gay men AND lesbians, > combined. My gut tells me that this isn't mathematically possible > to occur in nature. Nature is never mathematically possible. For instance, scientists tell us that bacteria outnumber people. But if that's true, how come nobody cares that bacteria can't vote? It's because numbers are always meaningless, all the time, when anyone other than me uses them. > 3. I really didn't start hearing about or meeting bisexuals in real > life until the 90's were over and this creepy "stripper culture" > started to take root in America. Please tell me more about this "stripper culture". > 4. The mantra of the religious homophobes is that homosexuality is > a "choice", and that rather than being born into it, one grows into > it if influenced a certain way, and that's why all gays spend two > years of their adulthood going door-to-door and recruiting. > 5. The usual response to (4) is that one actually is born into it. > And every so often, I read about a little bit of supporting science -- > the development of the hypothalamus as an indicator of homosexuality > in men, a gene that causes people to be attracted to men, and thus > propogates because women have that gene... No, the usual response to (4) and (5) is that "People whose explanations of how sexuality works consist of two-word sentences such as 'It's choice!' or 'It's genetic!' or 'It's parents!' know nothing about sex." Don't make me repost the analogy about whether you like red or blue. Because I hate reasoning by analogy, even if it has pretty colors. Okay, I'll paste in the paragraph from an article I wrote last year: Whenever the debate of "Are gay people that way because they chose to be, or because their genetics made them that way, or because their parents got something wrong?" comes up, I always ask, "Which do you like better, red or blue? Beef or chicken? Comedies or dramas? Did you choose to like blue better than red? Or do you have a gene for liking blue? Or did your parents manipulate you into liking blue? Those are just preferences, and they just sort of go in random directions for no reason, and sometimes over the years they gradually change because you realize you like red more than you used to." These are just things that happen. Nobody knows why. If all the scientists of the world -- even the really gay ones -- can't explain why you settled on liking blue best, of course they can't explain something even harder to understand such as your orientation. Heck, probably most of them can't even understand their own orientations, let alone yours. Also, I like black. And White Castles. And 'Mystery Science Theater 3000'." These things aren't deliberate choices -- you don't sit down with a pencil and paper and work out the relative merits of red vs. blue once a year to figure out what your favorite color will be until the next recomputation -- and these can't be wholly genetic or caused by childhood experiences, because then you'd be stuck with the same preferences your entire adult life and would buy the same can of SpaghettiOs every day. Some people do feel they knew what their orientation was from birth (I find it hard to believe they can come to that determination before they reach puberty) and for others these preferences just sort of creep up and then we realize we're not who we thought we were ten years ago. Your food preferences and color preferences shift over time because you never stop growing and changing, and your sexual identity can be the same way. I used to be straight. Now I'm gay. And while I can pinpoint the date where I figured out I wasn't who I used to be, there's no way in hell I or anyone else can figure out a _reason_ why I have the preferences I do (or did), any more than you can figure out why you used to like SpaghettiOs back when you had that mullet. > 6. The typical pattern I've seen in the gay men I know is: they date > a few women while in the closet, then they come out, and don't look > back. The typical pattern I've seen in the bisexual women I know is: > they date lots and lots of men, then they SWEAR OFF MEN and get into > a lesbian relationship, and then sometime later they forget about > women and start dating men again, though perhaps not as many. I note that people of both genders and both orientations feel comfortable telling you all about their dating habits. You've stumbled into a sexual loophole: By being asexual, everyone gives you the play-by-play of every date they go on! It's like you're a black hole that sexual gossip is drawn into, never to come out, except on the Internet! > 7. As a straight man who hasn't had much luck with the ladies, it's > a frustrating prospect that women all across the country are > unnecessarily doubling my competition. Has any straight guy _ever_ had "much luck" with the ladies? The only people I've ever encountered who take great pains to have a different "conquest" every week (or every night) always seem to be growing more and more desperate that the casual sex isn't making them happy when they try the same thing over and over. The goal of dating is not to have "much" luck with the ladies, it's to have a good time when you _do_ get together with someone. I'm happy to make a friend once in a while. It's not a game, there's no goal or quota, there's no such thing as good luck or bad luck when it comes to whether you satisfy your needs when it comes to relationships -- when people aren't happy with their "luck" with the appropriate sex, often they may just not understand what they really want to get. > 8. "Data" is not the plural of "anecdote", so all this may be full > of shit, and I may be even further from a Unified Gay Theory than > I think I am. Gay and lesbian people can't even agree on what their pride symbol should be (Rainbow flag? Pink (or purple or black) triangle? Two linked "male" or "female" signs? Equal sign in a blue box? A lambda? Red ribbon? Labrys?) I mean, there are three different "bear pride" flags. So I doubt you'll be able to explain all gay/les/bi/trans folks in just one crackpot theory, even if you leave out all the different types of bears. I like to think of it this way: "Gay" by itself doesn't imply that much about a person. It means they can feel love for people of the same gender, but implies nothing about what sort of sex they like, whether they're macho or sissy, how they dress, etc. There are at least three independent axes one can position oneself anywhere along: A.) Sexual preference axis: Do you love people of the opposite gender, both genders, or the same gender? B.) Gender identity axis: Do you present yourself as a man or a woman? C.) Attitude axis: Do you act "masculine" (macho/dyke) or "feminine" (swishy/girly)? There are people everywhere within that three-axis cube. A whole lot of men are near the "I'm a man who acts masculine and loves women" corner, and the classic gay stereotype is in the "I'm a man who acts girly and loves men" corner. But there are also people in between, and people in each of the other corners (butch gay guys and lipstick lesbians and swishy straight guys and transgendered men who identify as women and love women -- i.e. lesbians born with penises -- and every other combination you can imagine.) My "cube" crackpot theory has eight different extrema for men and eight for women, and while all those corners seem to be populated (some of them sparsely), not all those stereotypes have handy names, nor have most people considered whether "gay" might mean one corner of the cube, or half the cube, or all of the cube except their own corner... And all the corners are equally distant from each other. A lot of people don't get that the "sissy gay guy" stereotype corner is just as far from the "butch gay guy" stereotype corner as the "straight guy" stereotype corner is from either. My Cube O' Sex theory still doesn't take into account people who aren't interested in dating people of _either_ gender. Asexuals can have their own little cube off to the side or something. Nor does it do anything about all the different specialized subtypes within "gay" and "straight" such as fetishists (chubby chasers, shavers, rubberists, foot-lickers, cake-farters, etc.) and sexual role-players (dominants, submissives, slaves, cops, French maids, furries, etc.) And what about masturbation? THERE SHOULD BE ROOM FOR MASTURBATION IN ALL SCIENTIFIC THEORIES. There, I just wrote you a new bumper sticker. My crackpot theory of The Whirling Sex Cube Plus Some Place Where You Can Masturbate must be good because they put stuff Einstein said on bumper stickers so I must be just as smart as him, or at least as sexy as him. -- K. I need a haircut. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: which foods are the gay ones? (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:45:08 -0500 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: | | John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: | > | > Also, "curing" homosexuality makes as much sense as "curing" right | > handedness. A person *is* or *isn't* right handed - it's just that simple. | > In my not-well-informed opinion, it's a lot like food preferences. > I've liked certain foods since before I can remember. Other foods, > I used to hate as a child but have developed a tolerance for over > time with exposure. Still other foods have always made me gag at > the very thought (pickled beets). > > I believe the analogy is apt Yay! An analogy I introduced is apt! (Kibo does the "MY ANALOGY IS APT" dance for a while.) > because food preferences are the result of some combination of > genetics and environment, and are subject to a limited amount of > change with exposure (just like the dinosaurs in leather bars > posting). I don't think that was quite the point I was trying to make. If you could turn someone gay by exposing them to something, wouldn't everyone who watched "Knight Rider" now be a flaming bitch queen? > But, at bed rock, either you like certain foods or you don't, > and no amount of discussion about how you should like ginger snap > cookies is ever going to change your mind about whether you like > ginger snap cookies. Sure, but you might eventually just start or stop being interested in ginger snap cookies for no one reason. You can be one of a pair of Siamese twins who had the same parents, were raised in the same environment, digested the same food, and _still_ wind up with different personalities and therefore different preferences. Our preferences are part of our personalities, and our personalities are unique and not wholly dependent on our genetics or environment, and since our personalities change over time as we grow and mature and redefine ourselves, it's understandable that all our preferences can shift without us being able to point to a reason why. Some gay people "have always known" they were gay, some "discover" they're gay, some "turn" gay, no amount of analogies can explain why gay people exist or why some people keep their orientation and some people evolve from one to the other. Yes, there are certain foods that you only develop a taste for if you've had them enough times to get used to them, but that's not what I was going for. There are foods that you like or dislike that are different from those that other people like or dislike, and these preferences can (but don't have to!) change over long periods of time (I'm talking decades, not weeks.) I bet there are some foods you used to like when you were six that you would detest if you tried them now, just because your preferences shifted. If you don't believe me, try some SpaghettiOs or some Lucky Charms. Betcha haven't had a craving for Pixy Sticks in a while. Worst of all, McNuggets. I used to like Burger King but now I like White Castle. Oh, and I can't believe I ever enjoyed "Knight Rider". -- K. That show's worse than Burger King. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: which foods are the gay ones? (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 19:43:22 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > If you could turn someone gay by exposing them to something, wouldn't | > everyone who watched "Knight Rider" now be a flaming bitch queen? | > Yeah. If it was THAT easy, we'd have CONQUERED the world by now. What you mean "we", paleface flaming bitch queen? > (But them-uns are afraid it IS that easy - insecurity, combined > with lack of self-examination and knowledge of own motivations, > is a terrible thing...) I still say Jerry Seinfeld had the best explanation of homophobia when he observed that all men know they have weak sales resistance. > > I bet there are some foods you used to like when you were six that > > you would detest if you tried them now, just because your preferences > > shifted. If you don't believe me, try some SpaghettiOs or some > > Lucky Charms. > > Still like them. Even the Meow Mix bits in between the marshmallows of the Lucky Charms? And if SpaghettiOs are your idea of pasta, come over and I'll make you some where the sauce is deep maroon instead of orange and the pasta is al dente instead of "I can't figure out how to chew this before it hurriedly dribbles down my throat like something from 'Alien'." You'll get at least two kinds of peppers and two kinds of olives and some little capers and other grown-up items in the spaghetti sauce. And for a little sweetness to balance out the bitterness and spice? Finely-chopped celery and carrots -- not the corn syrup you're used to in your Franco-American SlimeOs and Chef Boyardee SlurryOs. For meat, you can have your choice of fresh ground beef, spicy Italian pork sausage, chopped ham, or all three. And as for the pasta... well... let's just say that if you can figure out how to pronounce it, it's for kids. I gravitate towards the pastas that have at least twelve consonants and thirty-seven vowels in their names. Pasta for kids comes in shapes like Mickey Mouse and Pokemon, while pasta for serious pasta people comes in shapes like "What the hell is that? It hurts my eyes the way it folds back in on itself through the fourth dimension!" I bet you don't even know the difference between tomato paste, tomato sauce, tomato puree, and blue ketchup. -- K. Hint: Blue dye doesn't actually make food better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sex in a cube, now with pirates (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:12:00 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > The idea that people's sexuality changes over time, that worries me because > that's the whole basis of these religious groups that claim to be able > to cure homosexuality. I hate to see fundies being right. I don't think you can "cure" homosexuality, for the simple reason that if someone is in love with someone else, you really can't "cure" them out of that. If we could go to the drugstore and buy a cure when we didn't want to be in love with someone, the world would be a much happier place. Also the stuff would come in straight and gay versions, so some of the pills would be shaped like Fred and some like Barney. Whoops! Sorry, Barney, didn't mean to out you. But come on, that lace-up suede tube top? > That Sexuality Timecube is probably something they'll have to teach > in public schools before people can wrap their heads around it. > Then you have people like Eddie Izzard, who dress like women but > identify as men, and it becomes a hypercube. I deliberately omitted transvestites when I included transgendered people, simply because transvestitism is such a complex thing (and I'm not really qualified to understand it at all.) I think of it this way: It might be a sexual orientation thing -- OR it might just be a wacky costume -- depending on the person and the event and other stuff. Let's talk about pirates. ARRRR! I said ABOUT pirates, not talk LIKE pirates. There are people who wear a pirate outfit once a year on Halloween to shock people with a silly costume. Then there are people who like to play pirate and dress up as one on Saturday nights at the club but the rest of the week they don't let anyone know they have a separate pirate life. And then there are the lifestyle pirates who dress like a pirate all the time and consider themselves to be pirates. Now switch "pirate costume" and "dress". Go ahead, I'll keep the pirates from hurting you when you take their clothes away. > So, for squares like me, many of these combinations are so hugely > rare that I can only name one celebrity. DAME EDNA IS NOT A CELEBRITY!!! > There's someone on LJ who used to be a lesbian but is now an FTM > transsexual, which would have driven me bonkers if he hadn't broken > it down that, when all the math and hormones and creative reconstruction > is done, he'll be just another straight guy. That's simple enough > that even I can understand it. The big question behind all this is -- why do we feel we have to understand this? If someone is running around in a pirate outfit or a Darth Vader outfit or dressed like Marilyn Monroe smoking a cigar, why do we worry about it so much? I feel that living out one's fantasies about who one wants to present oneself as is the most pure form of free expression there is. And I acknowledge that I will never understand why some people do the things they do -- but it's okay for them to be into different things than I'm into. There are people who get really upset over knowing other preferences exist ("Hey! Stop that! Stop enjoying Weird Stuff That I'm Annyoned I Can't Figure Out How To Enjoy!") which, of course, can be part of the fun for people who are confident enough in their own preferences to do what they want in order to shock other people. Some drag queens enjoy the puzzled/horrified stares they get from tightly-wound dorks, and some don't. We all have an innate drive to try to figure out how other people's minds work because we want to know how our own minds work (and we assume that other people are similar) and when we see someone who is not only doing something incomprehensible to us but also getting great satisfaction out of it, well, that burns our toast if we're repressed types who know we never have any fun but if we did it wouldn't be _that_ kind of fun. > There was someone else on LJ who's female, has a long-term boyfriend, > is heavy into m/m slash fiction, but got offended when she was > mistaken for "straight". > > You see? You see? My stupid mind! Stupid! Stupid! Yay! You're quoting one of the world's loudest actors, Dudley Manlove! Yes, that was the name he acted under! Dudley Manlove! And then he eventually turned into Bill Murray, but only after first appearing in "Creation Of The Humanoids", which Andy Warhol once said was his favorite film! And Andy Warhol turned into... me! In Trader Joe's! And I used a whole lot of exclamation points in one paragraph and used them all up so nobody else could! Ed Wood cried! The End! -- K. That Dudley Manlove sure liked Bromo-Seltzer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sex in a cube, now with pirates (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:17:14 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > The big question behind all this is -- why do we feel we have to | > understand this? If someone is running around in a pirate outfit or | > a Darth Vader outfit or dressed like Marilyn Monroe smoking a cigar, | > why do we worry about it so much? | > It's probably because with genders come roles, and grammar. I need > to know which damn pronoun to use. With most people I know instinctively, > because people generally project a consistent image. But then, there > was that one guy (I think) who cut my hair for most of last year. > And it's generally rude to ask people when you can't tell. They should > write a sketch on SNL about this kind of conundrum. No, they should invent a time machine so we can travel back in time to long ago when "saturdaynightlive" should have been cancelled, and cancel the fuck out of it. And if you really are worrying about what pronoun to use for Darth Vader, I would suggest referring to him as "he" or "him", and remember, when talking to him, you can't get into trouble if all you ever say to him is "YES, MY DARK LORD." If you were to say "YES, MY DARK LORD, AND ARE YOU A GIRL?" he might strangle you without touching you, then have stagehands throw Styrofoam boxes at you, and then stab you until you turned into an empty pile of clothes which he would then wash on the wrong setting to shrink them. > Also, there's the Crying Game phobia, which is statistically > ridiculous, but every so often a celebrity picks up the wrong > prostitute and the public cowers in terror. People forget that > when money is changing hands, the probability of deception goes > way up. Uh, yeah, sure, those celebrities who pick up male prostitutes in drag are "accidentally" getting "fooled" by the "wrong" ones, like those dozens of times Eddie Murphy's made the same mistake. Come on, it's not like Eddie Murphy can't afford whatever hooker he wants best. He knows exactly what he wants. The reason there are hookers in drag is that some guys seem them out. (HINT: When someone is dressed as a hooker, their Adam's Apple and giant shoes are hard to miss.) Also, a lot of straight men feel that men give better blowjobs than women, and are willing to get a blowjob from a man in drag. However, I am unaware of any proper scientific research into which gender gives the best ones. I'm sure Eddie Murphy would volunteer to visit a dozen glory holes to tell us which six experiences of unknown gender were his favorites. I'll get the power drill and meet you in your living room, once you hire Eddie Murphy and six regular hookers and six drag hookers. Yes, science can be icky and expensive, but it's gotta be done for the good of mankind. And the word "mankind" does mean "men only". > > Yay! You're quoting one of the world's loudest actors, Dudley Manlove! > > Yes, that was the name he acted under! Dudley Manlove! And then he > > eventually turned into Bill Murray, > > ...wait a minute. Bill Murray played the actor who didn't end up having > the sex change he wanted, and who played the swishy "ah yes, plan nine" > guy who ran the mothership. He was much quieter. They might have > changed that around for the movie Ed Wood. Oh, I'm confusing members of Ed Wood's entourage again. Sorry if I offended you. Been a while since I've seen "Plan 9 From Outer Space". The swishy guy was the leader of the alien planet, and Dudley Manlove was his overacting henchman who made the "stupid minds" speech. I forget which of the two characters was named "Eros". See, I don't waste my brain remembering _everything_ about bad movies! -- K. Some days I'm glad I don't have a photographic memory. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:02:25 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: | > | > You see? You see? My stupid mind! Stupid! Stupid! | > It's not like you've got the ONLY stupid mind among pu-ny hu-mons everywhere. Heck, he's not even the only one who tries to get dates by quoting "Plan 9 From Outer Space". I need to try that sometime. Lately I've just been using "Logan's Run". (It didn't work for Dave Foley, either.) > Dave "or even amongst albinos - why, just look at Elric" DeLaney Hey, that's right, Nick, don't forget that you're an albino. Surely you must be able to find chicks with some weird albino fetish that you can exploit. I bet Edgar Winter has groupies even though he's untalented and a Scientologist. Maybe you should pick up a guitar and start singing songs about how Kibology will save the Universe. As far as Elric goes, I did not cry when the Cybermen blew him up. Universal Studios bought the rights to make an "Elric Of Melnibone'" movie a couple years ago, according to Michael Moorcock's Web site. I wonder how many times a day he has to explain that he's not the porno version of Michael Moore? And hey, there's another idea -- Nick, you should tell Michael Moore that you'll spill the beans on the Vast Albino Conspiracy, something about how the KKK is secretly creating albinos to cancel out the melanin genes that black people have been gradually sneaking into White America's gene pool. You could be on TV. General Electric and so on would sponsor the broadcast because they'd sell a lot of TV sets to people who thought theirs had suddenly broken. -- K. And you could show Michael Moore the national gene pool, which could be in a YMCA where Gene Rayburn and Gene Autry and Gene Luke Picard are swimming. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:55:41 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: | > | > The problem is that if I find an albino fetishist, it's likely I | > won't be Nick to her, but an interchangeable albino. That doesn't | > sound good. | > You're right, that doesn't sound good. That sounds GREAT! as a band > name: > > Interchang¾ble Albinš Either that, or it could be a series of action figures where all their joints are made out of Velcro. It would be a great marketing move because none of their body parts would match those of competing, non-albinistic dollies, so you couldn't put Nick's head on G.I. Joe's body or vice versa without accidentally creating that guy from "seaQuest" who had the multiracial hopscotch grid on his skin. Nor could you put Wesley Crusher's head on Nick's body without creating the horrifying frankenWheaton as "Mr. Stitch". So the albino action figures would sell really well because you'd have to have two or three of them in order to interchange the parts -- these days no toy is designed to be fun unless you have the whole series of them. Nick, what would the names and super powers of your squadron of Interchangeable Albinš action figures be? Hmm, come to think of it, Archie McPhee (aka "Accoutrements") already sells an "Albino Bowler" action figure. So never mind. Unless your super power is that you're a better bowler than him. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BOWLING DUEL AGAINST AN ACTION FIGURE! -- K. If I were an action figure, it would have a little string you could pull to hear it laugh at any grownup dumb enough to buy it. "You bought me on eBay? And you're collecting little plastic dolls? HAW HAW! LEW-ZER! I may be just a plastic doll, but at least I'm realistic!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:28:59 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, that's right, Nick, don't forget that you're an albino. > > Surely you must be able to find chicks with some weird albino fetish > > that you can exploit. > > There are guys like that who cruise the albinism message boards for > women. Well, the solution to your problem is obvious. You can't change your skin, but you can get a sex change. > At the last NOAH conference, one of the discussion groups was > expressing a bit of distress that there are people who fixate on > albinism. I told them that there are websites that sell videos of > women whose cars are stuck in the mud and nothing else. So if it's > not one thing, it's another. You could make the world's first video about an albino getting stuck in the mud! Or an albino flooring the gas pedal! Or an albino farting on a cake! Or an albino having sex with a midget in outer space! Just combine a couple perversions and suddenly you'll have a monopoly on whatever new double-kinked delight you invent! > The problem is that if I find an albino fetishist, it's likely I > won't be Nick to her, but an interchangeable albino. That doesn't > sound good. I find your attitude entirely reasonable and mature. If she's more interested in your hair color / skin color than in your personality, that's very unfulfilling for you. But, on the other hand, maybe you could overlook that if she's really rich and would be your sugar lady. I suggest you immediately begin dating women who are billionaires. > But, it seems lots of people treat their mates as fungible commodities > these days, so why the hell not. What, you want to let her grow mushrooms on you? Eww! Your kink is not pleasant for me to describe to everyone. -- K. I find your attitude entirely reasonable and mature except for your mushroom fetish, which is a lot wronger than my White Castle fetish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:35:56 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just combine a couple perversions and suddenly you'll have a monopoly > > on whatever new double-kinked delight you invent! > > Which brings me to fetishes THEMSELVES. Nick, no matter where you go, _something_ will bring you to the fetishes themselves. They are inexorable. If you've ever played that summer-camp game where you have to close your eyes and touch grapes, or if you've ever ridden a unicycle, or if you've ever looked at Ronald McDonald's shoes, now nothing can save you from bringing yourself to fetishes and ringing their doorbell until they let you join their secret club. > I've heard two advice-type people in the media give different theories > about what fetishes have in common. > > Dr. Drew Pinsky says that they're put in place because people have a > fear of intimacy, that they need a fetish as a sort of middleware so > that they can distract themselves from the intimacy. Having vanilla > sex is icky, but having sex with giant traffic cones is SUPER-EROTIC. > > Non-Dr. Dan Savage says that fetishes are a control thing, though > he's generally talking about infantilism, S&M, B&D, and other > fetishes with a very clear social hierarchy. Did you put on that adult diaper like I told you in my previous reply? If not, then SHAME ON YOU. No video games for you for a month. > > I find your attitude > > entirely reasonable and > > mature except for your > > mushroom fetish, which > > is a lot wronger than > > my White Castle fetish. > > Hey, I'm from the Nintendo generation. Don't talk back. No video games for two months. And I'm taking your GameBoy away and burning it in front of you because you played a game that wasn't rated "E". If you keep playing those games that are rated "T", you're going to get warped for life. Why don't you do something wholesome, like watching your tape of last night's "CSI"? -- K. I can't wait to see which perversion automatically leads to murder on the upcoming episode with Wil Wheaton. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:24:23 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: | > | > There was someone else on LJ who's female, has a long-term boyfriend, | > is heavy into m/m slash fiction, but got offended when she was | > mistaken for "straight". | > Anyone who is into slash fiction is kinked enough not to be "straight", > although "het" should be fine UNLESS SHE'S IN DENIAL or something. So if you're a straight guy who likes to watch tapes of lesbians making out, does that also make you "not straight"? 'Cause I know what's under your bed. -- K. Or in some cases, who's under your bed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 21:57:31 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > But yeah, I guess because of lesbians, heterosexual guys have a > > nearly-universal kink. Interesting. > > STOP THINKING ABOUT LESBIAN SEX. You just can't, can you? > > --Jeremy > > I sure can't. When two lesbians have sex, how do they decide which one is the woman? -- K. They just don't tell you how to mark those scorecards! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:58:29 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > So if you're a straight guy who likes to watch tapes of lesbians making | > out, does that also make you "not straight"? | > | > 'Cause I know what's under your bed. | > There's two bunnies and enough bunny hair to make a third, at least > mass-wise. They are both girls and do spend a lot of time licking > each other, but it's not *that* interesting to watch, merely cute. > > But yeah, I guess because of lesbians, heterosexual guys have a > nearly-universal kink. Interesting. Come on, the only weirdos out there are the ones who falsely claim that they have no kink. In America, you're _required_ to like long blonde hair, large breasts, a small waist, and high heels if you want to be a Normal Straight Man. If you like redheads better? Or like legs instead of breasts? Those are fetishes and you're deviant, you pervert! All normal guys are supposed to require their women to have bleached hair and six-inch stiletto heels and breast implants and anorexia. That's just healthy. The sooner you admit that absolutely everyone is weird in every way, the sooner we can move on to more interesting topics, such as why ice cream costs the same amount whether you buy a pint or a half-gallon. It's a lot like Elmer's glue. Hey, wait a minute... -- K. If I owned an ice-cream company, I _would_ sell a white peppermint ice cream flavor named "Library Paste". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:25:36 -0500 John Schmidt (js@radix.net) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: | > | > The idea that people's sexuality changes over time, that worries me | > because that's the whole basis of these religious groups that claim | > to be able to cure homosexuality. | > No, their claim that sexual orientation is a *choice* is the basis for > their ridiculous claims. Changing over time does not imply decision > making. Is it really surprising hateful whackjobs are unable to grasp > the (not at all subtle) distinction? The more important question is whether the people who subject themselves to such "cures" really are straight people trapped in gay people's bodies or just the victims of peer pressure. (Someone should get these people better peer groups, _stat_.) One of the best things about the Internet is that people who were considered "deviate" decades ago -- gay/lesbian people, foot fetishists, furries, whatever -- can immediately discover that there are thousands, millions, of other people out there with the same sort of "deviance". In the 1970s, if you were a "whatever" and didn't live in a town that had a "whatever" bar, you'd probably feel alone and that your interests were just plain wrong. Now, you can figure out that you may be different from most people, but still a member of a very large community of people who don't seem to be living in padded cells. > Also, "curing" homosexuality makes as much sense as "curing" right > handedness. A person *is* or *isn't* right handed - it's just that simple. What about ambidextrous people? What about people who can doodle with their feet? (I'm pretty good at writing with my feet, but I can't type with them -- big toe is too big. I can work a cigarette lighter with my feet, but this is of no practical value because I don't smoke.) -- K. I should start a "whatever" bar. We'd let in every type of perve, fetishist, or weirdo and the only people we'd bar would be those who asked what a "whatever" bar is. It's the bar that's only for people who don't care what type of bar it is, you square! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 03:48:29 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Thank you. I don't think anyone under the age of approximately 13 knows > > what their final sexuality, religion, or anything else important is. > > For values of "approximately 13" that include 20 or so, I'll agree with you. 20? That young? I know a lot of people whose orientation changed in their 30s or 40s or 50s. (A lot of middle-aged gay guys used to be married.) The more "specialized" kinks -- such as leather -- tend to take the longest to bloom, which is why if you look around a leather bar or a leather club meeting or whatever the median age of the leathermen will be 35-40 -- there will be some people in their 20s, and some in their 70s. Some of the older folks are people who were straight long enough to get married and explore the possibilities of being straight and discover their dissatisfaction, then they got into the vanilla gay scene for a while and explored it, and finally joined the leather community. (And yes, people do occasionally leave that community.) Because people don't tend to get into that stuff until well past puberty, and usually stay with that crowd permanently, that's why leather bars tend to have a lot of older people. (I have now explained the Secret Gay Subtext of Scott Thompson's "Kids In The Hall" sketch where he says "all the dinosaurs are into leather" when a T-Rex in a harness visits the bar.) For some reason, the idea that seventy-year-old gay guys and seventy-year-old lesbians grosses some homophobes out a little extra bit, as if people aren't allowed to do whatever the hell they want once they retire. > But I'm pretending to be WAY OLDER THAN YOU young lady, Yeah, well, I win because I'm pretending to be WAY SMARTER THAN YOU! > kids these days, don't know what it's like to save a world that > fears and reviles them, grumble grumble HEY YOU KIDS STOP FOOLING > WITH THAT THERE RAINBOW FLAG SIGNAL! It's not a signal, it's a dance prop, at least according to the Web sites I've read about "flagging", which seems to be some sort of gay dance thing where you grab one end of a flag and twirl it around your head to some sort of music. Apparently you have to be gay to do that because, lets face it, it's like figure skating without the figure skating part. Thankfully, I have not yet encountered this alleged craze in person. Someone should invent a "straight pride" flag and go flagging with it just to send the world's most mixed message. "Wait, that guy _can't_ be straight! He's twirling!" -- K. Also, why is it okay for the chubby chasers to seek out fat women but it's not okay to wear a "NO FAT CHICKS" hat? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: gay marriage covered in coconut (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:55:30 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I know a lot of people whose orientation changed > > in their 30s or 40s or 50s. (A lot of middle-aged gay guys used > > to be married.) > > Sometimes correlation really *is* causation. Whoa! I'm gonna call you Dolly Madison 'cause you just make a Zinger! (The people in the peanut gallery who scream "EWWW!" at any mention of shredded coconut now have coconut-covered squishcakes permanently linked to middle-aged gay guys in their brains. Hey, sometimes I like to make people form permanent neural pathways because I'm evil.) Note that when I said "used to be married", I meant "used to be married to women". These days in Massachusetts (and most of Canada) it's okay to get married _after_ you fall in love with someone of the same gender. By the way, am I the only one who finds the term "same-sex couples" annoying? It's "same-gender couples", dammit -- gender is whether you're male or female, and sex is something you do between TV programs. To me, a "same-sex couple" is any couple where they both like the same type of sex -- some hetero couples do, and some don't; some gay couples do, and some don't. "Same-sex couple" means me think, "Aw, how sweet, he found a woman who's also into farting on cakes." You also never hear a "regular" marriage called a "different-sex couple". Maybe gay activists should start using the phrase "straight marriage" in conversation. -- K. P.S.: coconut coconut coconut ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:42:19 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > It's kind of weird that I can think of so many women with such > > obfuscated sexual identities, but practically no bisexual men. [ ... ] > > Everyone else pretty much picked a side and stuck to it. > > Bisexuals aren't indecisive. It's very clear, we are attracted to both > men and women. What's so hard to understand about that? It's hard to understand because it's icky! There's nothing wrong with loving a man, or loving a woman, or loving several women at the same time on a trampoline, but being able to switch gears? That's just as weird as if you liked peanut butter some days and jelly other days! Nobody can like more than one thing! Also, Stacia, straights hate that they can't use that "Oh, she must be a lesbian" rationalization when you won't date them. > Where is it written that people have to "pick a side" or else they're > wrong? Because the stripes on the pride flag have sharp edges and not fuzzy areas. WHICH COLOR STRIPE ARE YOU? PICK ONE OR YOU'RE NOT SUPPORTING THE PRIDE FLAG! After all, there are straight bars and gay bars but not bi bars. What are you supposed to do, send half your body to the straight bar and half to the gay bar? And which bar gets the half that eats? > I guess it's too difficult for some people's widdle brains to comprehend. > Of course, the media likes to play up the sensational side of > everything. Just like all gays have 4 hairdryers and hissy fits on a > regular basis, all bisexuals are women who have a harem of boyfriends and > girlfriends and who couldn't stay monogamous if their lives depended on it. Oh, so _that's_ what you have to do to get a harem. > They dump their lesbians lovers for men and leave angry exes in their > wake, because they are so irresponsible. It's no wonder most people think > bisexuals are just like they're shown in the documentary "Basic Instinct". I think bisexuals are really just into this whole business of having two harems so that they can steal _two_ sets of clothes from their boyfriends and girlfriends. Extra hairdryers, too. 'Cause bisexual women have to have long girl hair on one side and a lesbian crew-cut on the other. Look it up, it's in the handbook right next to the diagram of which earring goes in the gay ear and which goes in the straight ear. -- K. And then there are those perverted asexuals. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 15:58:01 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > Bisexuals aren't indecisive. It's very clear, we are attracted > > > to both men and women. What's so hard to understand about that? > > > > It's hard to understand because it's icky! There's nothing wrong with > > loving a man, or loving a woman, or loving several women at the same > > time on a trampoline, but being able to switch gears? > > Just to be serious because I'm tired and cranky, it's not like switching > gears. There's no discernible change from one minute to the next. > Instead of looking at men and going "hubba hubba, woof woof, arooooo!", > you look at *people* and say "hubba hubba, woof woof, arooooo!" If > they're hot. In my experience, women don't like it if you yell "WOOF!" at them. Are you sure you're not confusing women with bears? > > After all, there are straight bars and gay bars but not bi bars. > > What are you supposed to do, send half your body to the straight > > bar and half to the gay bar? And which bar gets the half that eats? > > There's no bi *anything*! It makes sexually aloof Spot cry! I don't think Spot could handle the bar scene. Bars are too loud, and because Spot acts like a four-year-old because he's just a puppy, he'd spend the whole night with his hands over his ears the way children do when they're around anything loud that's not interesting. Also he might be yelling "LALALALALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING TO THE BAD MUSIC LALALALALALALALA". And he wouldn't get in because he's underage. He'd just try to pick up dates by putting his arm around people at the movie theater, but usually that would merely cause him to interrupt a showing of "Saw" for just enough time to get punched by the other person, the usher, or the director of the film. > > [...] > > diagram of which earring goes in the gay ear and which goes in the > > straight ear. > > I have 7 earlobe piercings now. Does that make me good or awesome? Depends. How many are in the gay ear and how many in the straight ear? It better be 3.5 in each otherwise you're not a _real_ bisexual. If you're 90/10 then you're just a normal schmo! All "normal" people are 10% bisexual. I know because the guy who made up the Kinsey report said so. I learned that from a blog about the TV Guide listing for the PBS show that was ripping off that movie starring Darkman. -- K. Do movie theaters still have ushers, and if so, are they the people for whom they invented those flashlights with stun guns in the end? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I have no life Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 06:25:48 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > So two seperate vendors near me at the fleas markets bring in their > dogs. Sheba, a german shepard/doberman mutant monster puppy. And > Che-Sai, a Japanese mop with eyeballs and no snout. > > Both dogs think I am their personal chew toy. Don't you hate it when they can't agree to share? > Che-Sai hates it when I pet Sheba within the same hour before petting > her. > > Sheba doesn't care, she just likes the attention. And biting me. Maybe you should let the cute doggies have some of your old comic books to chew on. Hey, it's not like old comic books will ever be worth anything. Or you could get some of that dog-repellant spray the self-defense catalogs sell. It's really Mace, but there's a picture of a happy dog on the can so that makes it okay. Just don't use it on people. For that, you need the one with the laughing wino. -- K. Dogs love me. Because dogs have an incredibly accurate sense of who is a wonderful person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I have no life Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:47:44 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I once asked a lady at the flea market if I could pet her very large dog. > > She said 'Sure'. I stepped forward to pet her and the dog stepped away. > > The lady mentioned that the dog doesn't like guys. Or you either! > WELL FUCK WOMAN TELL PEOPLE THAT FIRST. ESPECIALLY GUYS Shall I assume that after you screamed that at her she didn't want to date you? I thought you were leading into this old joke: LOTS42: "Lady, does your dog bite?" LADY: "Nope." (He pets the dog. It bites him.) LOTS42: "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" LADY: "That's not my dog." HOBO: "Pardon me, I haven't had a bite in three days." ANNOUNCER: "We'll be right back with the puncline, and the second half of our comedy hour, after these messages." (Ten ads for saltine crackers follow.) ANNOUNCER: "Thank you for watching. Good night!" -- K. I need my own TV network SOON. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Number of missions raised, Yossarian's going to be complaining. Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 22:04:55 -0500 Hmm, looks like I may not be seeing some of my military friends for a few dozen years. [www.rollingstone.com] -> -> [...] -> -> David Qualls, who joined the Arkansas National Guard for a year, -> is one of 40,000 troops in Iraq who have been informed that their -> enlistment has been extended until December 24th, 2031. It's perfectly logical. The National Guard has predicted they'll need lots of sixty-year-old soldiers in the distant future world of 2031, because the next year Macronesian dictator Michael York will use his subduction lasers to flood the world if the seaQuest can't stop him except the seaQuest is stranded in the middle of a corn field because that's where the space aliens left the submarine after they abducted it. Can Fake Wil Wheaton and Plaid Fat Guy save the world with the help of The Elderly And Very, Very Tired Arkansas National Guard? -> "I've served five months past my one-year obligation," says Qualls, -> the lead plaintiff in a lawsuit challenging the military with -> breach of contract. "It's time to let me go back to my life. -> It's a question of fairness, and not only for myself. This is -> for the thousands of other people that are involuntarily extended -> in Iraq. Let us go home." Hey, none of this would be necessary if you people had used nuclear bombs to blow every Arabic-speaking or otherwise swarthy country off the face of the Earth like Dennis Miller told you to. Just blow up that hemisphere and be done with it neatly! -> The Army insists that most "stop-lossed" soldiers will be held on -> the front lines for no longer than eighteen months. But Jules -> Lobel, an attorney with the Center for Constitutional Rights who -> is representing eight National Guardsmen in a lawsuit challenging -> the extensions, says the 2031 date is being used to strong-arm -> volunteers into re-enlisting. According to Lobel, the military is -> telling soldiers, "We're giving you a chance to voluntarily -> re-enlist -- and if you don't do it, we'll screw you. And the -> first way we'll screw you is to put you in until 2031." So that's why the Army changed their slogan from "Be all you can be" to "GONNA MAKE YOU SQUEEEEEAL LIKE A PIG FOR TWENTY-SIX YEARS!" -- K. Maybe if all the fans wrote into NBC, the network would have to draft Roy Scheider to make another 26 wonderful seasons of "seaQuest"! Come on, people, let's get writing before it's too late! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 4 Iensien's Dark Energy Ienstien's spcadragger Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 22:24:37 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > By Dr Ienstien 1953 > The Universe. > publish dienied , no new information <<<<<<<<< Thats that the Gov > says. > Sending things into orbit to look for ienstiens space dragging ??? > Understand iensien's gravity and ienstien's dark energy and ienstien > knew about space dragging. And don't forget that song Iensien wrote about Old MacDonald saying I-E-I-E-O. You know, I had to type "Iensien" about five times before I got it to come out wrong enough to match yours. Imitating you makes my fingers feel like they're being wrenched out of joint. Ouch. > But he was not saying the earth drags space as it turns to slow to drag > space. > > BUT look here =A9=A1=A9 iestien told the Gov about the bomb. > If iestien wrote a book called The Universe and the GOV wount pint the > fucker then you bet your ass he had somthing to say. > BUT USA Gov thinks if no ienstiens ever xsisted we would not have the > fucking bomb and the world would be better off. > But now here's ienstien with the UFO in a book. > They don't quite understand it and they don't want to. > Don't print iestiens last book. > Just say no new information. > .......... ienstein was no fool. > he gave a copie to Gen Gradly. > he died in 60 . I bought his old house ,,no one lived in it for 20 > years so I could take it apart pice by pice and found gen bradlys box > of small ireplaceale things. > 1980 I have the BOOK ienstien wrote. > In a box under a house. Uh huh. Any feet in ruby slippers sticking out from under there? > The Universe By Dr. Ienstien > space dragging was not my idia nor dark energy. > It's ienstien's ufo ,,I just followed th directions and understood the > book, So now that you've followed the directions for building Dr. Ienstein's Magic Invisible Folding UFO, does it fit inside your invisible yacht or vice versa? I hope your two invisible vehicles can't fit inside each other at the same time, because that would cause one of those time-space paradoxes that can cause space to become even more deformed than your spelling. -- K. And who's "Gen Gradly"? Is he a friend of Gugs Gunny, Gob Garker, and Guckaroo Ganzai? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 4 Iensien's Dark Energy Ienstien's spcadragger Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 06:17:36 -0500 Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Tell us about the book THE UNIVERSE by DR IENSTIEN ,,,kiboooo. > tell us how gravity moves mass dumbass kboo if you have a clue . > ienstien told you now why don't you comprhend it kibooo ? Tell you what. Either figure out what my name is, or figure out what his name is, or at least figure out what your name is, Mr. Fraser/Frazir, and then maybe I'll tell you whether I think you're a moron. Afterwards, I'll read your imaginary book to you. You know, that one you claimed Einstein wrote a few decades after he died. Right around the same time Nigel Calder wrote "Einstein's Universe", which was by Nigel Calder, a man who was named Nigel Calder and therefore was not named Einstein, Ienstien, Iensien, or Frazir. (Nigel Calder is also known for writing several books on how to sail a boat, but you wouldn't know anything about that.) > try to figer it out or replicate it ? > tell us dumbass kiboo . > Put some soul in it and tell us all how gravity moves mass . > Is F equal the gain of mass pushing the wieght kibooo ? > Punch the keys and show me the gain in mass is identical to F then > kiboooooo. > Kibooommm Gee, how did you choose your favorite vowel for this week? Was it the only one you could spell with your cereal when you asked your mommy for Alpha-Bits and she fooled you by bringing home cheap generic Cheerios? > what size TV is on the wall in this pic ? > 3 foot x 5 ?? > Google Image Result for > http://www.cruiseweb.com/RCIIMAGES/RCIVOYAGER-ROOM-OWNERSUITE.JPG Dude, that's not a TV. It's a photo on a Web page. And it's only about four inches tall. I can't wait until you discover all the fun you can have with something called a "mirror". You can look into it and pretend there's a twit looking back at you! You should also get one of those mobiles with the black and white faces on it. Those stimulate babies' tiny brains, though I'm not sure they'd work on one as small as yours. -- K. Want to buy a slightly-used NASA-designed busy box? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 4 Iensien's Dark Energy Ienstien's spcadragger Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 16:19:20 -0500 Followup-To: alt.jet.oink.squeal.mooooooooooo In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Dont fucking even try to worm out of the subject kiboooo m > How does gravity move mass Kiboo. Well, first it made you dense. Then it attracted you to sci.physics (where the nuts go.) Eventually it may lead to you discovering a black hole, but I'd hate to be on duty at the emergency room the night you limp in to get your favorite cucumber back. > I dont give a fuck about your personal life . > Snip yer shit ya wrote.. > NOW KIBOO . > you can scream and holler all day . Hey, I'm typing with my _inside_ voice. I know that for practical reasons you've never technically had an outside voice -- Are you typing with your padded-cell voice, or your corridor to the electroshock room voice? > tell us how mass moves mass ad how gravity moves mass kiboo. > Is the gain in mass identical to F ??? Dude, that wasn't part of the equations just because your science teacher kept writing that letter at the top of your homework. I know it's one of the two letters you're obsessed with, but maybe someday you'll read about the others if we can find you an alphabet book that won't get you all wound up before naptime. So when do we get to the part of the episode where you tell us you were brought to us by the letters F and O? 'Cause I'd love to see you F O. > Thats the question dumbass I know you dont kow what the top of the > page says when your at the bottom. I wouldn't know. I always look at the backs of Web pages. That's where the cool graffiti is. > How does gravity move mass kibooo m ? > Just tell us ,,no one cares abot your personal shit. Wrong! I do! HA! I have destroyed your whole theory! Now I shall win the Nobel Prize For Talking To An Obvious Idiot! (It comes in a plastic Easter basket.) -- K. It's one of only two Nobel Prizes made of candy. (The other one's for discovering that candy causes herpes, but I don't want that -- you can have it.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: 4 Iensien's Dark Energy Ienstien's spcadragger Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:29:14 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > [...] KAZAAM! Holographically-barcoded new Kontext-Away trims down the text with an aerosol cloud of tiny scissors that act like one big pair of scissors which aren't even cloudy! > Otherwise I will be forced to cancel my imaginary subscription to > "Shitty Science Digest". And no one wants that to happen. SPORK! Kontext-Away folds itself up like a map of Disneyland with a map of Hell printed on the back, and then digests itself with its own enzymes, then excretes itself into a trash can personally placed by Walt Disney on the bank of the river Styx! Dear John Burrage, "Shitty Science Digest" became a TV show but it got cancelled after they changed its title to "seaQuest DSV". Short shameful confession: I just spent a few hours reading all 400 or so articles I've ever posted which contained the word "seaQuest" in order to produce a secret compilation of the 164 "best" ones which I could then use to annoy people I don't like. (I picked out my five favorites and sent them to one of the producers of "seaQuest".) Now that I've conducted my review of everything I've ever said about NBC's "seaQuest", I note two patterns: 1. I didn't write about it at all before it premiered in 1993, and then I wrote about it more and more until the final episodes aired about four or five years later, and then I wrote about it less and less until now when I hardly ever mention "seaQuest" any more. 2. Wow, I had forgotten all the many ways that show sucked. I write about a lot of stuff I can't remember twelve years later, and I was surprised to find out I did not remember every detail concerning "seaQuest". I must be getting senile. -- K. Also, I must be getting senile. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: this country's greatest challenge: Offensive Sandwich Names Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 16:42:41 -0500 (and I call band name on "Offensive Sandwich Names", too.) [1010wins.com] -> -> Rutgers Bans Offensive Sandwich Names -> -> Feb 16, 2005 11:58 am US/Eastern -> -> Rutgers University has ordered popular food trucks on its College -> Avenue campus to change the names of certain sandwiches after -> receiving complaints from students. Give those kids more homework. They clearly have too much time on their hands. "Dean Mommy, I don't mind eating the crap from the lunch truck, but the names of the sandwiches offend my delicate sensibilities." -> Some of the names were derogatory toward women, gays and members -> of certain ethnic groups. -> -> The vendors' contractual obligations include "showing respect to -> all students, faculty and staff, and operating in a professional, -> courteous manner," Rutgers spokeswoman Sandra Lanman said in a -> statement. At Emerson College, these silver lunch trucks were having kids' legs broken because they were fronts for loan-sharking businesses, and we liked it that way because Emerson College wasn't full of wimps. But the college kicked the trucks off campus after they broke some idiot teacher's leg. -> Sam Algar, owner of the Mr. C's food truck, said he received a -> letter directing him to change the names. He and the owners of -> the other two food trucks parked in a university parking lot -> promptly covered them up with silver duct tape. Look, I don't care what these guys do to each other in their spare time, though this erotic duct-tape mummification sounds pretty kinky. What did they do about the sandwiches? -> "It's not like it's a bad thing. I'm not trying to discriminate -> or anything," Algar told The Star-Ledger of Newark for -> Wednesday's newspapers. "It's extraordinary. It's funny." -> -> Steven Goldstein, chairman of Garden State Equality, a statewide -> gay and lesbian political organization, isn't laughing. -> -> "These sandwich businesses manage to be sexist, homophobic and -> offensive all in one grand slam," he told The Associated Press on -> Wednesday. "This is how hate crimes start, when people feel it's -> OK to make biased comments publicly." Oh, you fags are so uptight about your sandwiches. Nobody's ever complained about the "Fatburger" chain or the Southern delicacy known as the "po' boy". If greasy sandwiches can't offend either the fat people who are stuffing them into their faces or the poor people who can't afford to be fat, then the rest of us have to wait for fatties and the poor to complain before we can go berzerk over some stupid sandwiches. Hell, I'm poor, and I'm not offended by anything. Doesn't mean I'll eat it, but at least I realize that I don't have to call sandwiches by the same names as everyone else does. -> But others see the food fight as another example of political -> correctness getting out of hand. David French, president of the -> Philadelphia-based Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, -> said while it may be the university's prerogative to ask the -> owners to change their menus, it raises some constitutional issues. -> -> "It strikes me as silly and sort of systematic," French said. -> "It's kind of a piece of this larger problem that if someone is -> offended, colleges are awfully quick to pull the trigger." French is just offended that they use "French's" mustard, the weakest, most cowardly mustard of them all! Put it on a sandwich, and it runs! -> (c) MMV Infinity Broadcasting Corp. All Rights Reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or -> redistributed. The Associated Press contributed to this report. -> In the interest of timeliness, this story is fed directly from -> the newswire and may contain occasional typographical errors. And yet it failed to contain even one of the names THAT THIS ARTICLE IS SUPPOSEDLY ABOUT. Either the reporter was too lazy to ask, or the sandwiches have names so offensive they couldn't even put them into the "may contain occasional typographical errors" section of the newswire. And the fact that I can't think of an offensive sandwich name means the reporter's lazy. I mean, I've eaten at Buzzy's. The most offensive thing they ever did was serve the food. That, and the cartoon of Mr. Spock eating pork. I challenge alt.religion.kibology to come up with offensive names for every popular sandwich. And they better be offensive or I won't be satisfied and I'll complain to a typo-laden newswire that you're not offensive enough! -- K. Buzzy's is now gone, and I think they even tore down the jail that was on three sides of it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this country's greatest challenge: Offensive Sandwich Names Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 05:22:24 -0500 Because none of you folks rose to my challenge to suggest what the "offensive sandwich names" banned by Rutgers University were, I went and hunted down the campus newspaper article that named names. [www.dailytargum.com] -> -> Students split on Grease Truck names -> -> By John Soltes / Associate Inside Beat Editor -> -> Published: 2/16/2005 -> -> Duct tape continues to hide Grease Truck menu items that -> lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community members -> said were offensive. -> -> The controversy erupted last week over the names of certain -> sandwiches served at the Grease Trucks on the College Avenue -> campus. The University community is varied in its response to the -> incident, when the Department of Parking and Transportation -> Services demanded the trucks cover up sandwich names such as -> "Fat Dyke" and "Fat Bitch" because they violate their contract. Aren't those just generic versions of the "Rosie O'Donnell" and "Roseanne Barr"? I'd also like to see this contract that specifies that they can't give sandwiches stupid names. -> A Grease Truck worker -- who wished to be identified as "Mr. C" -- -> was visibly upset yesterday about covering up certain names on -> his truck. (The backstory: He now runs the crappy little lunch truck because he had to sell Cunningham Hardware to pay for a private detective to try to figure out why Chuck Cunningham disappeared the week the Fonz moved in. And then he filled the bathtub with German potato salad and Marion told him to "Sit in it!" and Dr. Joyce Brothers gave Fonzie advice on how to cheer up his depressed puppy.) -> "I'm very upset. We're all very upset," he said. "I've been -> selling [Fat] Bitches for 14 years." "They're made from the finest meat from only the fattest female dogs!" -> John Graney, assistant director of Operations at Parking and -> Transportation Services, asked Mr. C to cover up the names as -> soon as possible. -> -> But Mr. C said he has never had a complaint about the menu names. -> -> "Everybody's happy with the Bitches," he said. I call rap song title on that. -> [...] -> -> Reaction on campus from students has been mixed, with some -> students upset about the changing of the names, while others -> happy to see them gone. Couldn't they find even one student who didn't care? That's the way college students are supposed to feel about everything! -> Rutgers College senior Heather Mount said she has never eaten a -> Grease Truck sandwich but likes the decision to change the names. -> -> "If people took offense, then [the decision is] a good thing," -> she said. Nobody should ever be allowed to offend anyone. Her fascist attitude offends me. Therefore she should be covered with duct tape. Also, the reporter forgot to tell us how much Heather weighs. -> [...] -> -> Kathy Lopes, a Rutgers College sophomore, said she's concerned -> about all the changes that have to take place to please everyone. -> -> "Everyone's all stuffy. Now, the food has to change their name," -> she said. "Soon everything will have to change." Nothing should ever be allowed to change. She has suddenly changed from being unconcerned to concerned. Cover her with duct tape. -> Some students have come forward, saying the Grease Trucks further -> created an offensive atmosphere, with employees making sexually -> suggestive comments to customers, as another form of harassment. -> -> But one Grease Truck employee said he has many gay and lesbian -> customers and friends. -> -> "They never complain," he said. I'd certainly complain if a lunch truck driver asked what my orientation was when I bought a stupid sandwich. He's not allowed to ask that. Cover him with duct tape. I notice that in the photos accompanying this and other Daily Targum articles, quite a number of menu items are covered with duct tape, but "FAT B*TCH" and "VEGGIE B*TCH" aren't, 'cause turning one letter to an asterisk makes something not obscene. I have no idea what's under all the strips of tape. "FAT FILIPINO", "FAT SAM", and "FAT MOM" aren't censored, so they must be true. -- K. The issue is not whether it's stupid for a guy selling stuff to not realize he shouldn't use words like "DYKE" on his advertising signage, the issue is why blue-noses think that covering a word with duct tape makes nobody even more curious to read what's under the duct tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this country's greatest challenge: Offensive Sandwich Names Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:48:45 -0500 Willesden Bishop (choirmaster@jazz.org.uk) wrote: > > [concerning offensive sandwich names, such as the "Fat Dyke"] > > How do the Dutch feel about this sandwich? To them, it's finger food. -- K. MY ARTICLE IS TOO SHORT LA LA LA LA MY ARTICLE IS TOO SHORT LA LA LA LA Hey, everybody, do the Kibo! MY ARTICLE IS TOO SHORT LA LA LA LA MY ARTICLE IS TOO SHORT LA LA LA LA (It's like the Batusi, but with different lyrics, a different tune, and different dance moves. So don't try to steal my new dance craze because it's copyrighted by Adam West.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this country's greatest challenge: Offensive Sandwich Names Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 00:00:41 -0500 At last! I found a newspaper with the guts to tell us what the name of the world's most offensive sandwich _really_ is! [www.bergen.com] -> -> Lunch at Rutgers: Bigotry with every bite -> -> Thursday, February 17, 2005 -> By Jeffrey Page -> -> NEW BRUNSWICK -- You would think that in a university town of -> beauty, truth and art a man with a lunch wagon would never be -> allowed to name his sandwiches with words that you've always -> taught your kid never to use. That's right! Any town that's so into art should have total censorship of all media, including snack food! -> Somehow in New Brunswick they think it's kind of funny to name a -> sandwich the Fat Beach. That's as in, "I'll have a Fat Beach, a -> Coke and an apple." Other fare at a clump of wagons at the busy -> intersection of College Avenue and Hamilton Street include -> sandwiches named for certain religions, women, nationalities, gay -> men and certain body parts and functions -- all preceded by the -> word "fat" -- that newspaper editors rarely allow in their pages. GOD BLESS the www dot bergen dot com aka www dot southjersey dot com The Record and/or The Herald for having the courage to print the word "beach" that no other newspaper would ever print because it offends certain religions, women, nationalities, gay men, certain body parts and functions, and people who can't swim! -> It's been a fixture in New Brunswick for years. -> -> Never mind that it makes no sense. Never mind that there is no -> apparent relationship between the ingredients of the atrociously -> misspelled Fat Buddah sandwich and the Buddha himself. "I want my money back! There's very little meat in this Fat Buddah, and specifically ordered a slice from near the belly button!" -- K. I hereby grant Rutgers permissions to name their best sandwich the Fat Kibo, even though I'm not fat. It's just the sandwich that's fat, and I don't mind, because it's JUST A STUPID SANDWICH NAME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Batgirl swallows rock, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-explosive-diarrhea! Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 17:14:31 -0500 [www.phuketgazette.com] -> -> QUEER NEWS -> -> Tuesday, February 15, 2005 -> -> Bargirl swallows rock I swear I started composing this followup before I realized that didn't say "Batgirl swallows rock". And now I'm disappointed and there's nothing I can do to make this article exciting. -> RAWAI: A Patong bargirl swallowed a Frenchman's diamond ring -> after he refused to pay her and a friend for services rendered -> after an all-night menage-a-trois in Rawai. -> -> [...] -> -> When the Frenchman went to the bathroom, Tawan searched his -> drawers and found a diamond ring, which she hid in her bra. The -> Frenchman immediately discovered the theft and demanded the ring -> back, searching her intimately for the missing gewgaw. Tawan said -> that Mr Patrick slapped her, which so enraged her that she -> swallowed the encrusted annulus while he wasn't looking. Fun fact: The chain of Encrusted Annulus eateries recently changed their name to Krispy Kreme. -> After bringing her to the police station, she began having -> stomach spasms -- diamonds being somewhat harder to digest than -> somtam. This led the police to suspect that she had swallowed the -> ring. An X-ray at Phuket International Hospital confirmed it. -> Doctors there gave Tawan laxatives in an attempt to purge the -> ring, which Mr Patrick said was a family heirloom passed down -> though generations -- and possibly even a few digestive tracts. Somtam, I'm told, is papaya salad. Though I've never had it, I have had all sorts of other Thai food with no laxative effects. -> Tawan was then apparently released and, for reasons unknown, -> returned to Mr Patrick's home. The Frenchman stood by with plastic -> bags at the ready to collect the excrement from over 20 bouts of -> explosive diarrhea that she experienced -- but still no ring. Still, at least this article wasn't a total loss. Someone was trying to catch someone else's explosive diarrhea in Baggies. Possibly from across the room. While between them 5-year-old Shirley Temple was tap-dancing and singing "On The Good Ship Lollipop". Wait, that last part didn't actually happen. This article's boring! Newspaper, you be less boring! -> She became so ill she had to be readmitted to hospital -- -> this time to Wachira Phuket Hospital -- where she finally -> gave birth to a beautiful diamond ring. Thus endeth our daily reading of the only current newspaper article Google News says contains "explosive diarrhea". As opposed to CNN, which _is_ explosive diarrhea. -- K. I could go for a Krispy Kreme right now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Evil Sausage King returns to the news Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 18:29:24 -0500 [www.cnn.com] -> -> 'Sausage king' receives death sentence -> -> Case of man killing meat inspectors faces automatic appeal -> -> OAKLAND, California (AP) -- A sausage factory owner was sentenced -> to death Tuesday for killing three meat inspectors nearly five -> years ago. What does this mean? Besides the fact that I'm suddenly hungry, it means we get to take a wild ride in the Restrospectivemobile as we drive down memory lane to where we first met Mr. Tiny-Brained Sausage King! //////////// RE-RUNS BEGIN ///////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More sausage-related news Date: Mon, 13 Sep 2004 14:35:20 -0400 [from www.oaklandtribune.com] -> -> Did diminutive brain play role in killings? -> -> 'Sausage king' jurors hear of defendant's shrunken cerebrum -> -> By Glenn Chapman, STAFF WRITER -> -> OAKLAND -- San Leandro's former "sausage king" has a shrunken brain, -> jurors at his triple murder trial were told Thursday. If there were still any blank pages left at the end of all our "Mother Goose" books, I'd propose "The sausage king has a shrunken brain" start off the final page. Sadly, we've already used up all the pages Mother Goose can ever take. Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. -> If 43-year-old Stuart Alexander's cerebrum were being graded by size -> along a bell curve, it would get an "F," ...and you know what's at the bottom of the bell curve? DUNGGGGGG!!!! Sorry, if I had known there were going to be puns today I would have prepared something. -> a Utah neuro-image expert said during daylong testimony before -> Alameda County Superior Court Judge Vern Nakahara. -> -> Erin Bigler stepped to an easel next to the jury box and drew a -> standard bell curve to illustrate how an analysis of MRI scans taken -> in December 2003 showed about 99 percent of people Alexander's age -> have more brain tissue than he does. Bigler is a Brigham Young -> University professor who specializes in neuropsychology. -> -> "His brain is atrophied," Bigler replied to questioning by Assistant -> Public Defender Michael Ogul, who called him as a witness. "It is -> far away from what would be considered a normal brain." I try to keep mine very close to several normal brains. Of course, changing the water in all those jars is a nuisance, but still it's good to know that I can sleep with my head nestled up against a couple of those bell jars whenever I want to feel well-adjusted. -> Defense attorneys Jason Clay and Ogul have spent weeks trying to -> bolster their argument that Alexander is a brain-damaged linguisa -> factory heir who acted in unreasoned rage when he shot dead three -> meat inspectors he felt were harassing him. Did he make just linguica, or did he also make chorizo? This is important because there might be a bunch of organ-meat puns in his future and I want to be sure I get all the glands right. -> Alexander has a history of blows to the head stretching from his -> childhood to a 1997 pickup truck crash on Interstate 880, according -> to the defense case. Brain scars, along with shrinkage, can impair -> the ability to process information and control impulse, experts have -> testified. "Your honor, I plead shrinkage! My brain was in the pool and the water was cold!" -> "We have proven what I said in my opening statement," Ogul said -> Thursday when asked how the size of Alexander's brain backed his -> argument that Alexander shouldn't be convicted of capital murder. And then, he followed up that brilliant argument by offering all the members of the jury all the chorizo they could eat. -> Ogul said Alexander was impulsive because of organic brain damage, -> and he fixated on his hatred of the meat inspectors. -> -> Prosecutors Jack Laettner and Paul Hora contend Alexander is a -> lifelong bully who boasted to friends he intended to kill the meat -> inspectors, dodge accountability by using a mental health defense -> and then cash in on his story through a book or film. -> -> "Atrophy does not equate to dysfunction," Laettner concluded after -> Bigler finished testifying for the day. After all, when an animal has some horribly atrophied body part, that might mean you can't make a steak out of it, but you can still make perfectly normal sausage out of it. -> Laettner noted in court that defense experts hadn't ruled out -> psychiatric or emotional disorders might be at issue with Alexander -> instead of brain damage. Laettner had Bigler review the diagnostic -> criteria for an antisocial personality, which seemed to fit things -> the jury has learned about Alexander. -> -> "Do you look for hateful ... just plain mean?" Laettner asked Bigler -> about the way he studies patients. -> -> "We don't have a meanness test," Bigler replied. And that's the best news _I've_ heard today. -> Bigler agreed with Laettner that a "sophisticated malingerer" could -> intentionally score poorly on neuropsychology tests without being -> exposed by safeguards crafted into exams. -> -> Bigler's testimony capped a week that included an associate of -> Alexander who told how they both shared "conservative, Republican" -> values such as the tenet "you are responsible for your actions." Whereas Democrats want you to kill people whenever you like! -> "Stuart Alexander was a law-and-order person, such as myself," said -> Douglas Smith, who worked for a sign company that dealt with -> Alexander. -> -> Smith described being frustrated by San Leandro city planning -> employees during the permit process for a Santos Linguisa Factory -> sign, and recalled how Alexander maintained local officials were -> getting back at him for once having run for mayor. -> -> After being arrested for shooting dead federal and state meat -> inspectors Jean Hillery of Alameda, Tom Quadros and Bill Shaline in -> the Santos retail room on June 21, 2000, Alexander wrote Smith a -> letter thanking him for his friendship. The letter was signed "Love, -> Stuart The Sausage King." Wasn't he on Howard Stern's TV show the night it got banned in Boston? -> Testimony is to resume Monday. Meanwhile, I've suddenly got a craving for sausage that tastes like human flesh. Is there a Denny's near here? I know theirs doesn't really contain human flesh, but they sure know how to cook it to make it taste like it does. In fact, at Denny's, everything tastes like people. -- K. Mmm... soylent chorizo. //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:40:58 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > His lawyer says he is insane > Mama says he's mean, not nuts > Daddy wants to fry his guts. > How many volts to burn his sausage butt? That makes way too much sense to be a real nursery rhyme. I bet you just made that up! Also, it's the amps not the volts what burn a butt. Volts make it burn better, though. So, who's up for sausage tonight? -- K. So who else felt ripped off when they found out that Jimmy Dean sausage doesn't actually contain James Dean? //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:50:09 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > And just for Kibo: > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > The sausage sadist causes pain > The sausage vampire likes fatty veins > They all play on the sausage Match Game > How many links on the sausage chain? > (one, two, three...) Fuck yeah! That was so good it moved me to use profanity on the Internet -- for the first time. Now, will someone please write the rest of the script for "The Sausage Match Game" starring the sausage king, the sausage vampire, the sausage sadist, the sausage Brett Somers, the sausage Charles Nelson Reilly, and the sausage that Charles Nelson Reilly's smoking? THAD VANKS!!! -- K. Hey, the Walgreen's around the corner from here is on the TV news tonight. They got held up right after I took a date there. (Because the hardware store was too far away.) //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:49:59 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The Enb > (Lyrics by Jim "Sausage King" Morrison) > > I'll never look into your eyes again > Can you picture what will be > So limitless and free > Desperately in need of some > stranger's hand > In a desperate land > Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > And all the children are insane "Roman wilderness of pain"! I call dibs on that for the name of my villa when I get one! Thank you so much for stealing that from Jim Morrison to make me not feel guilty about stealing it from you! Unless he stole it from Phil Dick, who stole it from Steve Allen, who stole it from Ernie Kovacs, who stole it from Bert Kovacs, who stole it from Burger King, who stole it from Kurger Bing, who stole it from Abbie Hoffman, and where were we again? Oh, yeah, sausage. Sausage is good. Sausage kings are bad. -- K. Sausage kinks are okay. //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:47:43 -0400 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > It rattles round inside his crain- > ium. Let's throw in some dirt and plant a gerain- > ium in the empty space. > How many flowers does it bloom? (count jumps until someone trips) Two lines start with "-ium". What a perverse new rhyming scheme. It reminds me of the genius hymns composed by Archimedes Pluton- ium. It's all so insanium. With sausage in our slacks. Anyway, Plorkwort, I am humbled by your genius, and your perverseness. -- K. I tripped on two. //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:34:09 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > You got yours, so this is for Plorkwort. Also, I am obsessed with > transportation today, it seems. > > Bucky Fuller's three-wheeled car > Crashed before he got too far > They dropped his house from an old airplane > Then they asked poor Bucky to explain > Why the sausage king has a shruken brain. > How many neurons does it have? > One, two, three, ... The Dymaxion car started when Bucky Fuller farted they all came out retarded the sausage king's shrunken brain! Sorry, I just can't do this the way you professional lyricists can. I'm not Vic Mizzy, and I never will be. Can I at least be Ted Cassidy? -- K. MUST CRUSH MAJEL BARRETT. //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:29:54 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > The sausage king has a shrunken brain. > He traded it to Conrad Bain, > Who poked it with a rusty sword. > How many vials has Todd Bridges scored? > One, two, three ... n-1, n! I guess "Barbara Bain" would have been a little too on-the-nose during The Ballad Of The Shrinky-Dink Brain. I wish I had a shrunken brain I'd be famous like Barb'ra Bain. I wish I had a shrunken ass I'd be famous like Philip Glass. I wish I had a shrunken ear I'd be famous like Richard Gere. I wish I had a shrunken nose I'd be famous PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!! I still fantasize about becoming the Poet Laureate Of The United States just so that someday I can be at a big official function in front of the President and the people who run the country so I could start reading a very serious, moving poem and then suddenly yell "PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE PANTYHOSEPANTYHOSEPANTYHOSE!!!" before the Secret Service wrestled the microphone away from me. -- K. I apologize for almost writing "Moonshadow". //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE ////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More sausage-related news Date: Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:18:32 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Will someone please write the rest of the rhyme "The sausage king has a > > shrunken brain" so we can chant it while jumping rope, with or without > > using link sausages as the rope? Thanks. > > Segway, H2, Unimog, train > The sausage king has a shrunken brain > He keeps it in a wooden box > How many days until it rots? > One, two, three, ... I don't know what a Unimog is, but for making "We Didn't Start The Fire" start running through my brain (and not Conan O'Brien's version played on a flute by a cactus in a chef's hat) I'm going to be extra-mean to you next time we play Scrabble. Also, last night I watched the "Scientific American Frontiers" episode where Alan Alda kept his brain in a wooden box and carried it to various Boston-area locations (plus Yale) to celebrate Phineas Gage's 1848 discovery that having an iron bar blasted clear through your head can affect your personality. (Gage's skull lives across the street from me!) Anyway, I watched the episode on the 156th anniversary of Gage becoming the most famous "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" drawing of all time -- he was injured on September 13th, which was not only the day I watched Alan Alda open his brain box, but which was also the day in 1999 when the Moon got blown out of orbit, going clear through Barbara Bain's frontal lobe, robbing her of all ability to display human emotions! What does this have to do with sausage stuffing? -- K. HONK! HONK! (go ahead, explain that -- degree of difficulty: 10.0) //////////// RE-RUNS CONTINUE //////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLORKWORT SEZ [Was:Re: "a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle"] Date: Wed, 29 Sep 2004 00:30:07 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (plorkwort@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > ... if you leave the bicycle in the water, it rusts, and the fish eats the > > Harley if they're left alone in the boat together. But then the sausage > > king comes rolling along with the cassions, and the worms start trying to > > teach the bedbugs to play pinochle instead of baseball, and when the > > cooties hit a home run, Christopher Cucomber goes walking alone under > > branches lit up by the moon. > > This sort of thing usually annoys the crap out of me, but for some > reason I like it when I know you are writing in English and yet I > cannot understand anything you are saying. I just sort of let the air > out of my brane* and float away on the imagery. > > *In the string theory sense of "brane." I can't understand anything anyone says, ever. Your move. -- K. If you choose to forfeit, signal it by not trying to signal it. //////////// RE-RUNS END ///////////////////////////////////////////////////// In the months since then, scientists claim to have developed a meanness test, but I think they're lying because scientists are a bunch of meanies. And here's the rest of the CNN article about The Sausage King Of Murder getting the death sentence: -> Stuart Alexander, 43, the self-proclaimed "sausage king," was -> convicted in October of three counts of first-degree murder for -> the 2000 shooting deaths of two federal inspectors and one state -> inspector at his factory in San Leandro. Never mind that -- was his sausage approved? I need to know because my local market sells it. -> A jury recommended December 14 that he be put to death, and an -> Alameda County judge upheld the sentence. The case will be -> automatically appealed to the state Supreme Court. -> -> Alexander's public defenders had argued that their client was -> driven to kill after months of harassment by the inspectors, and -> the death penalty wasn't intended for "emotion driven killings." That makes Spock ineligible for the death penalty! Oh no! Now Spock can commit mass murder any time he wants! -> Prosecutors argued that Alexander hatched a "diabolical plan" to -> kill the inspectors, get away with it by pleading insanity, then -> write a book or movie to profit and gain notoriety from the crime. The sausage king's brain got big a-gain. He got a swelled head and now they'll make him dead. BURMA SHAVE -> The murders were captured on the factory's surveillance -> videotape, which was shown to jurors during the five-month trial. -> -> After Alexander killed the three inspectors, he fired at and -> chased a fourth inspector for several blocks from the Santos -> Linguisa Factory. Is El Santo okay? 'Cause if Santo died, I don't know what other Mexican wrestler would be capable of saving the world from Aztec mummies. Maybe Blue Demon or Mil Mascaras. I could try, but Aztec mummies never take me seriously as a Mexican wrestler. -- K. Murderers are so cool, except the ones who work in sausage factories. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Evil Sausage King returns to the news Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:04:45 -0500 Mark Edwards (Mark-Edwards@comcast.net) wrote: > > In honor of this, here's another poem: > > The Sausage King has a shrunken brain; > He keeps it in a box. > He serves it up for Halloween, > On bagels and with Lox. > > It causes him to murder folks > And grind them into links. > For he's the famous Sausage King; > The lord of Soylent Green. That's good, but it doesn't _really_ make me imagine the sausage flavor. A good poem should always make you hungry. Always! Also we were doing nursery rhymes, not poems. I bet you were that kid in kindergarten who always wore a tweed jacket and smoked a bubble pipe. Because I haven't done one yet, here's my Sausage King nursery rhyme: casing casing link link now you ate Inspector Frink patty patty grease grease now you ate Inspector Meese weenie weenie dog dog now you ate a Lincoln Log For "Star Trek" fans, change the last line to "the captain's log". -- K. So what's the name for the "circle circle / dot dot / now you got / the cootie shot" poetic form? We need to name this scheme so that it can be accepted as a high-falutin' art form, like haiku and bowling. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sophisticated conversation Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 18:51:29 -0500 In sci.astro, D_Phoenix@webtv.net wrote: > > This might not be the kinda thing people usually post on here but is > there anyplace i can got to find a chat where the whole room isn't full > of perves and morons?? The public library? It usually only has one or two of them. > I'm tire of trying to have meanigfull chat in th midst of a hundred > people cybering an spanki it infront orf there computer screens what the > hell does a guy have to do to get involved in intellectually stimulating > conversation It'sa sad day wh ensci. astrois n't evenu pt oWe bT Vstan dards ofdisc ourse. -- K. I'm going to file this under "Why aren't you perves and morons nicer to me?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are the 'Laws of Physics' Wrong? Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 01:13:45 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Wait a xec. You juxt made up a xwell new word that xoundx xo zany. Wait, what xhould "z" be in your new alphabet? Xhall I xpell "zany" with one of thoxe letterx from "On Beyond Zebra" by Dr. Xeuxx? > You wonder how the space ship in orbit fires the rocket to go forward > and slows down but moves up ? > It wasn't converted to speed,,the thrust was converted to radius. > Your thinking the rocket will make it speed up but it wount . > Not till its outt of orbit will the rocket decide how fast it moves. Well, I agree with you on one thing -- the rocket's xmart enough to make better decisions than _you_, xtinky. -- K. If we're changing "s"s to "x"s, that means that "Xena" is now "Lucy Lawlexx", which is the kinkiest collision of two shows ever. So, who would win in the big catfight between Xena and Xev? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Invasion of the Bi Girls (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 15:38:17 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I had a theory that attempted a unification with the "everyone's > 10% bisexual" theory. My theory, which is mine, is this: Men's 10% > is most likely to come out in long prison sentences. Women's 10% > is most likely to come out when they're filled with seething rage. Actually, I think the men in prison who play their stupid little rape games may not actually be bi, just very, very horny. I doubt there are any actual romantic feelings involved. ("Gay" and "bi" are not sexual positions.) So guys in prison may not be expressing their orientation, just desperation. Women, on the other hand, turn bi on purpose just to spite you. I don't mean to spite men in general. I mean just you. BISEXUALITY IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NICK. > The only reason I care at all about bisexuality, is that I wish to > avoid becoming heavily involved with women who may be harmful to > my health, psychological or otherwise. And while it's politically > incorrect for progressives to espouse sexual-orientation-based > prejudice, a guy in a NASCAR hat and a down vest appears on my > shoulder and tells me "watch your step! bi girls are danger! stay > out of arm's reach! if she asks you out, tell an adult immediately!" > and then a guy in a ponytail and hemp shorts appears on my right > shoulder and tells me "how evil of you to generalize! How evil > of you to exercise any standards in who you'll date. Better > ask her out anyway or she'll know you're EVIL." And the hemp > guy's been wrong just often enough. Um, Nick? About your alter-ego in the NASCAR hat and down vest? With the suede work boots and the jeans with the hankie tucked into one pocket? I think he may be working for The Agenda. You might want to listen to Hippie Nick instead because hippies are all straight. > Yelling at me will only reinforce that gut feeling. Who's yelling at you? And what did you do to her? > I'm afraid it might not go away unless I find a better way to avoid > crazy women. NICK, TWO WORDS: LESS INTERNET. -- K. The Internet is like a giant magnet that attracts crazy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Invasion of the Bi Girls (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 20:25:33 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: | | | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | | > | | > [...] guys in prison may not be expressing their orientation, | | > just desperation. | | | > I thought it was domination. | > You don't get to start thinking about ze domination until ze desperation, > she is satisfied, yes? No? So you're one of those "It's not domination unless you keep going after they want you to stop" guys, eh? Nick, whatever you do, don't let him try to take you home. > > > NICK, TWO WORDS: LESS INTERNET. > > > > I should ask for advice more often. I seem to miss out on the most > > obvious solutions. > > > > But what if I'M crazy? > > NICK, TWO WORDS: MORE INTERNET. > > Dave "now we can simply watch to see which course the experimental subject > takes, to find the value of the associated characteristic!" DeLaney NICK, RUN AWAY FAST. -- K. I think after this I'll go back to the plainer quoting style -- it's more consistent. Plus it's easier to draw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Invasion of the Bi Girls (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:11:10 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > [yadda] > > > > Actually, I think the men in prison who play their stupid little > > rape games may not actually be bi, just very, very horny. I doubt > > there are any actual romantic feelings involved. ("Gay" and "bi" > > are not sexual positions.) So guys in prison may not be expressing > > their orientation, just desperation. > > I thought it was domination. Nick, when you're a man, _everything_ is about domination. > Desperation might explain some of the bisexual crazy women, too. > Those top two scary women in my life, they had one thing in common: > Since they were in high school, they haven't gone more than a week > without being in a relationship. Being "alone" was just intolerable > to them. Generally they didn't break up with their existing > relationships until a new one was well underway. So the only way > to take a break from men becomes...? Mass murder? > > BISEXUALITY IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NICK. > > I KNEW IT! Yes, but I knew it first. Because that's domination. I know everything you're going to do before you do it. By the way, don't ask why, but the next time you go to the public pool, you might want to wear an adult diaper under your swim trunks. > > > I'm afraid it might not go away unless I find a better way to avoid > > > crazy women. > > > > NICK, TWO WORDS: LESS INTERNET. > > I should ask for advice more often. I seem to miss out on the most > obvious solutions. > > But what if I'M crazy? If you can ask yourself that question... you're not crazy... unless you're so crazy that you only THINK you're asking yourself that question when you're really not. Also, you might want to hide some twenty-dollar bills between your toes so that if they put you in a straitjacket, you can still bribe Nurse Ratched to let you have the drugs that don't have the side effects that made you need to wear the adult diaper in the pool. You can thank me for all my cheerful, benevolent advice any time you go sane. -- K. And by the way, I'm crazier than you, even though I always act saner. That's part of the dominance thing too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sporks Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:11:58 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I've decided that the next time I pick a silverware pattern, I will either > find one that features sporks, or failing that, either because they are not > offered in the only patterns I like or because they are not offered at at > all, I will order extra spoons and modify them myself. I sense a wacky 1970s variety-TV show sketch where you're in prison and you spend six months trying to make a butter knife into a shiv and when you finish your clothes are tattered and you have a long beard and you hold your creation up and see that you spent six months just making a spork and then a trumpet goes "WA-WA!". > Is a good spork shallower or deeper than a standard spoon? It's forkier. Whereas, a foon is spoonier than a standard fork. Now, if you were to combine a spork with a foon, you'd get either a foork or a spon. And if Ella Fitzgerald married Leonard Nimoy, she'd be a non-sequitur in this discussion. > More elongated? Tablespoon sized, teaspoon sized, or between? > Is there any such thing as a "dessert spork" or "iced-tea spork"? Remember those crappy little flat wooden spoons that came with the awful ice-cream-sundae cups you got as kids? I still hate the taste of wood in my ice cream. I also hate the taste of metal in my ice cream. Plastic spoons rule! The Chinese like porcelain spoons for their soup, which is close, but plastic is better because you can throw it away without hurting the environment unlike porcelain spoons which would break into sharp pieces someone might step on. > It seems impossible that there could be a grapefruit spork; > but is this true? You need a durian spork, a bacon spork, and a Spam spork. > DESCRIBE TO ME THE ULTIMATE SPORK! It would be identical to a fork sitting next to a spoon which are not attached to each other in any way. -- K. WA-WA! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Weird old-timey candy Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:18:23 -0500 This is a paragraph from a newspaper column by Rachel Forrest. The topic: old people's candy. [www.seacostonline.com] -> -> [...] -> -> One thing I haven't been able to find is something my Mom -> remembered. Every Sunday she'd go with my grandfather to Jimmy -> the Greek's on Witherspoon Street in Princeton, N.J., where she -> grew up, to get the Sunday paper, and the kids were allowed to -> pick two things. She picked the candy that lasted the longest, -> some sort of nougat in pink or white in a little shallow pan -> about the size of a silver dollar. You'd eat it with a tiny spoon. I've never heard of this either. Any sort of candy which involves a tiny pan and a tiny spoon sounds pretty interesting. Any of you folks heard of this, or know where I can get some? I suppose it was probably outlawed because it involved one of those tiny McDonalds spoons that you could snort drugs from. -- K. Yes, I grep the newswires for the phrase "some sort of nougat". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Isaac Asimov just gave me a PhD! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 17:38:54 -0500 [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Posted on Thu, Feb. 17, 2005 -> -> ISAAC ASIMOV'S SUPER QUIZ -> -> Take this Isaac Asimov's Super Quiz to a Ph.D. Score 1 point for -> each correct answer on the Freshman Level, 2 points on the -> Graduate Level and 3 points on the Ph.D. Level. -> -> Subject: ``BABY'' FILMS -> -> (e.g., Who plays the title role in the 1990 film ``Cry-Baby.'' -> Answer: Johnny Depp.) -> -> FRESHMAN LEVEL -> -> 1. Who portrays the mother in ``Rosemary's Baby''? -> -> 2. Who portrays Jane in ``What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?'' -> -> 3. Name any two of the three men in ``Three Men and a Baby.'' -> -> GRADUATE LEVEL -> -> 4. What is the ``baby'' in ``Bringing Up Baby''? -> -> 5. Carroll Baker plays the title role in this 1956 ``Baby'' film. -> -> 6. Diane Keaton inherits a baby in this 1987 film. -> -> PH.D. LEVEL -> -> 7. In this 1999 film, babies talk to each other in a secret code. -> -> 8. Brooke Shields stars as Violet in this ``Baby'' film. -> -> 9. In this film, Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern are -> newlyweds. -> -> ANSWERS: 1. Mia Farrow. 2. Bette Davis. 3. Tom Selleck, Steve -> Guttenberg, Ted Danson. 4. Leopard. 5. ``Baby Doll.'' 6. ``Baby -> Boom.'' 7. ``Baby Geniuses.'' 8. ``Pretty Baby.'' 9. ``She's -> Having a Baby.'' Now, wait a minute, Isaac. Not only did you die before "Baby Geniuses" came out, but knowing anything about "Baby Geniuses" should disqualify anyone from being a Ph.D., Dr. Asimov, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL TITLE AND YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. -> SCORING: -> -> 18 points -- congratulations, doctor; 15 to 17 points -- honors -> graduate; 10 to 14 points -- you're plenty smart, but no grind; -> 4 to 9 points -- you really should hit the books harder; 1 point -> to 3 points -- enroll in remedial courses immediately; 0 points -- -> who reads the questions to you? I am now envisioning a science-fiction story about a topsy-turvy world where robots rule and because they have an encyclopedic knowledge of film trivia thanks to their wireless links to IMDB.com, the robots classify you as an idiot if you don't know about "Baby Geniuses". And then you have to spend the rest of your life polishing the robots' feet. -> (c) 2005 Ken Fisher Dear Ken Fisher, Please stop insulting the late Dr. Asimov's memory by implying that he could have paid any attention during "Baby Geniuses". Had he been alive and dragged into the theater and strapped down like the guy in "A Clockwork Orange", he still would have missed the entire bad movie because he would have spent the whole time writing better stories on the side of his popcorn bucket. -- K. Also you forgot "Baby On Board" and "Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: cereal (was: Dating) Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 18:58:36 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: | | TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: | | | | Theresa Willis tdwillis@earthlink.net() wrote: | | | | | | David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: | | | > | | | > What type of cereal are YOU? | | | | | > bicycle | | | > I broke my teeth on the tri-bars! | > Not like a real bicycle, silly! I meant bicycle-FLAVORED. I don't like the smell of the new marshmallow seats. Other flavors of cereal alt.religion.kibology would buy if a newsgroup could fit into a supermarket: nougat, wedgie, Potsie, Katamari Damacy, plutonium, lizard, twenty-dollar bill, obvious, and leather. What's the name of The Obvious Cereal? -- K. And what part of a complete breakfast are YOU? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Men on the moon? Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 19:20:18 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Yup. nasa has 50 images of te moon . And you have a 50 IQ. One of these two numbers is off by a factor of a million. Guess which! > I saw them all. Why wount nasa show me 5000 images ? > Don't matter. The lander wount work . > nasa likes to play stupid. Telling the public on tv they can bounce a > laser off a target on the moon is what pissed me off. Actually, you haven't been pissed off, you've been pissed on. That's the real reason NASA did all those spacewalks. All the astronauts had a little map showing where your house was so they could aim. > Then the lander proved it. > Then nasa picks up the wrong rock. > Brings that wrong rock back. > I cant say yet why it is the wrong rock till I have a comparitor > identifie the rock. > Thats one rock brought back but locked up. > I bet dollars to donuts nasa lost the rock due theft. A big head must > have a rock. In your case, I think maybe you've got Ayers Rock in there. Do aborigines consider your head sacred, or just dense? > he takes the rock home and hides the rock even thow he is the nasa > brass. > BUT the nasaa brass takes home a busted bombarted rock and thinks he > hid it. > wile a arizona medeorite hunter uses raidos to hunt for medeorites. > Show him the paper on a stack of 100s and I have a moble space rock > huner. > He drew and x on the rock. > Now we have a radio active rock on a back porch in wdc. > OH then it hit me. > The arow and C are not omvie props. > they are the wite house garden a b c d e f zones. > I found the rock there , gone ,,and back again but bombarted . Please stop singing that song about Uncle Fester farting. It's very undignified compared to the regular lyrics to that tune. > It still has the C on it. > nasa din't fuck up this time ..the white house staff did. They put the > rock back because it has > a C on it . So I found the missing magic rock. > I see it was not there for awile. It's a radio active rock . On the > back white house lawn . Uh huh. That's the logical place for the government to hide radioactive stuff. On the White House lawn. Right next to the crashed UFO that nobody can see because of the green-tinted Saran Wrap over it. > That rock has a sister rock . > The rocks are river rocks used as walk rocks on military bases. > As long as they will be faimouse rocks the brass can say take my rock > and then they have a soveneer latter. > They had to remove the wite paint . > Bombart it and take images on the set. > Then its a moon rock. from garden aria C off the white house lawn . > They put the C on the rock after the paint is off. Then the staff > repained it and put it back. > Its still there !!!!!!! > Still radioactive and still painted white and still the same rock. > I can prove it was the presidets rock. And please stop singing those Tom Lehrer songs about the Electoral College. > it has a sister rock from the same river. > It had its image taken befor. I found Hover was given the rock for the > white house lawn. > At the moment ,,that rock was usa largest stepping stone . > That rock came from under the boulder dam. > Thats the last rock from all the way down under the hover dam. Wouldn't water go right under a hover dam? Also, what keeps the dam from just blowing away in the wind -- bungee cords? Black magic? Do you mean to tell me this is one those _magic_ hover dams and not a regular hover dam? > Hover went to get the rock too !! > nasa found he wrong rock ,, a magic rock set in place by a crane. For > some reason that roc came to have a simble amoung presidents . > having an image of hover and the last rock in the white house and the > presence of the rock out the window must make a strong historic > conection to the power of giant steps for man. > One Giant Step.. > we will not remove the camera from the rock. > Thanks Hover. > I knew I knew that rock. I never forget a rock because im an indian > and an indian that navigated by rocks. > A geophysicis at that . > I never forget a rock. > Like a face . > But I have them cold. For breakfast? Eww. Please don't post your recipe for cold face omelets. And by the way, you've got face all over your egg. > I have them red handed with the hover rock. > Thats te Boulder boulder. Yes, but I have an even bolder Boulder boulder. Your turn. > I thought ,,what the fuck is the boulder rock doing on the moon > =BF=BF=BF=BF=BF > When I was 5 or 6 I sat on that rock for an hour. it seamed like all > day . > the flags inside the building were so tall ,,well I never seen > anything like it.. i remember the stairs , the sounds inside the > biulding. > maybe I was 7. after church . > we went to a huge church . > So I pull out the pics and found me on that rock. And then started > to look to see if the rock is still there and like the flag it still is. > Now no one cn copy the rock and no one can move it. when people > remeber that rock and see that rock they will know . > what was the Hover boulder boulder doing on the moon ? Maybe your hover hover boulder boulder hovered so high it floated up and jumped halfway over the Moon. This requires further experimentation... Why don't you go take a flying fuck at a hovering boulder? Why don't you go take a flying fuck at the Moon? Or at least stop eating so many faces. -- K. The legs have better meat anyway. Hey, have you heard about this cool new thing called autocannibalism? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Men on the moon? Followup-To: alt.fan.pooh Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 21:05:10 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > FU Kiboo.. The secret rock service is allready > probing the white house rocks. No stone will be left untruned. The Secret Rock Service? Excuse me, the Secret Rock Service? Sounds like a "Flintstones" spin-off that Hanna-Barbera rejected as being too unrealistic. I imagine Jack Webb would not only be the star, he'd draw every episode all by himself. And the title sequence would involve him holding you down and yelling "DUMB, DA DUMB DUMB!" in your ear. > my guts bustin Maybe it's your stomach truning. Is it chruning? Heartbruning? > The clinton rock ,,shit no one wants to turn it over. Not the clinton > rock. It has an M on it. > The Hoover rock smock could put a wrench on the Bust space clock . Hooray! You've progressed from simple incoherence to making clang associations! Clang tang walla-walla bing bang rock smock space clock, Mr. Spock! Thinking like you is hard. My brain strain hurts, nertz. > Nasa cant decide what delapitated multibillion usd pice of shit to > relinquish wile they still have bush to sine the bills. > Bush said we were going back to the moon . > It's clear to nasa that Bush wants his own rocks shacked painted white > and put on the white house lawn. Is this the White House in Washington, D.C., or the other one on the Moon? I know all about the secret Moon White House because I'm a member of the Secret Rock Service. I bust filthy hippies to try to turn rocks into gravel for their groovy aquariums. You smash a rock in my country, pal, and you're gonna go to prison. Hard labor. You'll be busting rocks there all right, but they'll be _bad_ rocks. Rocks that committed crimes. Rocks that went to the Moon without permission. So, hippie, don't try getting "stoned" with any of my rocks. I took an oath to protect rocks from hippies, preverts, and erosion. And when someone puts their hands on a rock they're not married to, it erodes my patience. You understand, space hippie? -- K. Now let's see you headin' out to Eden, brother. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Farting shoes recalled Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2005 22:09:51 -0500 Here's a newspaper article that's about one of America's favorite noises. (If this article were in German, puns would be too easy.) [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Ex-supplier sued over 'flatulent' footwear -> -> By Rene Stutzman -> Orlando Sentinel Staff Writer -> -> February 17, 2005 -> -> SANFORD, Fla. -- The customer complaints were unrelenting: With -> every step they took, their shoe insoles made a very offensive sound. -> -> The sound of someone passing gas. -> -> "It very nearly put us out of business," said Bryan Thomas, an -> officer with Goosebumps Products Inc. of Longwood. Why? I'd think you could charge extra for that. For instance, whoopee cushions that fart sell for a lot more than ones that don't. (Of course, it's always posssible to indirectly get a fart out of a defective whoopee cushion, because Taco Bell uses those as burrito wrappers.) -> The company on Wednesday sued a former supplier, accusing it of -> delivering the wrong chemical -- a mistake, it said, that -> transformed the insoles into something they were never intended to be. -> -> "They were whoopee cushions for the feet," Thomas said. Someday every part of the body will have its own whoopee cushion! Whoopee contact lenses. Whoopee rectal thermometers. And wait 'til Vice President Cheney gets one of those wacky new whoopee coronary stents! -> Oh, yes, customers complained, according to the suit. So did -> Goosebumps' biggest distributor. -> -> The company had to throw away at least 35,000 pairs, said -> attorneys Robert W. Anthony and William H. Beaver II. -> -> That cost the company $200,000 to $250,000, the lawyers said. Half of that went to buying landfill space and hiring a bulldozer to plow the shoes under, and the other went to buy earplugs for everyone in a ten-mile radius so that they wouldn't suffer lawsuits from thousands of people deafened by 70,000 simultaneous shoe farts. -> Goosebumps blames eight drums of glycerine delivered by Bell Chem -> Corp. of Longwood in late 2002 and early 2003. -> -> Instead of delivering food-grade glycerine, an ideal cushion for -> shoes, Bell Chem delivered a thicker but lower-grade variety and -> then watered it down, according to the suit. -> -> That caused bubbles to form inside the insoles. -> -> When people stepped on them, the inserts produced "a -> flatulence-like noise," according to a report by a Goosebumps' -> chemist, Richard Cavestri. -> -> For months, Goosebumps tried in vain to figure out what was -> causing the air bubbles and the embarrassing sounds. -> -> "It was maddening," Thomas said. "The business essentially came -> to a screeching halt." FART FART FART FART FART FART FART SCREECH HALT LAWSUIT LAWSUIT LAWSUIT!!! -- K. I've been waiting years to type that sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Like all good movies, "Dead Ringers" comes true Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 02:13:07 -0500 [reuters.myway.com] -> -> Twin Docs Accused of Switching IDs, Abusing Women -> -> Feb 15, 8:34 AM (ET) -> -> SEATTLE (Reuters) -- An attorney has filed the latest in a series -> of civil lawsuits against twin physician brothers, accusing them -> of impersonating one another and sexually assaulting female -> patients in an obstetric-gynecology practice. Uh oh. This means that one of them is going to go on to be in a crappy remake of "The Time Machine" while the other is in the even crappier "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie". And which of them gets to be in a film called "Die Hard 3" made from a rejected script for "Lethal Weapon 4"? Still, it's always good to see a Cronenberg film come tragically true, because this means there's still hope that "Videodrome" could happen to me. -> In a complaint filed in King County Superior Court by Seattle -> lawyer Harish Bharti, six female patients of Charles Momah said -> they were sometimes deceived into being seen, examined, operated -> on and sexually fondled by his twin, Dennis Momah, a general -> practitioner who is not certified in obstetrics and gynecology. -> -> [...] -> -> On some occasions the doctor they believed to be Charles Momah -> was jovial and talkative with little accent. He bore certain -> scars and other physical characteristics. -> -> On other visits, the man they believed to be Charles Momah -> stuttered, had a heavy accent, and even appeared to be a -> different weight, claim the women who filed suit. Maybe it's like that really garbled "Star Trek" episode where someetimes Lazarus had a cut on his forehead and sometimes he didn't because during the cosmic "winking out" effect he went through the time-space corridor which not only revolved by had a handy handrail and exchanged places with his evil twin who was from a future Earth that he destroyed with him time-ship and now he needs some medical blood culture bottles that everyone pretends are dilithium crystals and... what the hell was that episode about, anyway? Oh, yeah, fistfights atop Vazquez Rock. Just like most of the others. Anyway, I'd like to know if these two morons got the idea from watching "Dead Ringers". If so, maybe they're the ones that stole the one crazy medical instrument that disappeared from Cronenberg's collection according to the extras on the DVD. He still has all the other instruments for vivisecting mutant uteri, but he's missing the one that looks like the giant spider. The things I waste my brain remembering... (If you happen to see the arachnoid uterus-shredder lying around somewhere, please send it to Cronenberg when you're through playing with it.) -- K. Maybe the twin creeps will also re-enact "Scanners" and kill Dr. Ruth Westheimer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: GOD=G_uv FOR IQ's OVER 150 Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:21:38 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: | | Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: | > | > Ad hominem attacks are not acceptable scientific techniques, and have | > no effect on me anyway. | > Oh yeah, that reminds me: I found a brown paper bag marked "Beable's > Lunch" but it's full of batteries. Did you want that? Beable, I had no idea. I thought I was the only leatherman on this newsgroup. Shall I show you to the water fountain? Wanna dance? Can you get me Bob Odenkirk's phone number? Will we get to hang out with Scotty after the show? -- K. Hey, I just remembered Brian Posehn's name. Too bad I'm not talking about "Mr. Show". Dammit! [remember, explanations require Virtual Candy] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Won't somebody think of the bunnies? Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:47:15 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > [quoting a recipe Elmer Fudd might enjoy] > > "I rabbit washed in water with a little vinegar then diced"? > > Why does this sound like the first line of a novel instead of a > recipe? VEGAS IS HELL Reprinted without permission from "Manly Men's Tales Of Male Manliness" I rabbit washed in water with a little vinegar than diced. The ragged wire wound around the wheel as the jerks over there played roulette, but because I'm smart I just crapped on the green baize table. The dice came up boxcars one time too many, again and again. "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF WORD IS BAIZE?" I yelled when I lost. "GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH WORD AS BAIZE!" But two of Sinatra's goons fixed my knees good for that. I crawled home from the stupid overpriced hospital and needed a drink bad. All I had was tequila. For the next three weeks. When the blur ended, I was back in Circus Circus, but this time, I couldn't gamble because I was just another clown. THE END -- K. This was made into a movie. It was titled "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two questions Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:23:49 -0500 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > 1) What is the most sexist thing a guy could ever utter to a woman? Sheesh, use your imagination. If you're not capable of being sexist all by yourself, you're no man. "HA HA, I HAVE A PENIS AND YOU DON'T!" Also, you can say that to her. > 2) What is the exact opposite of that? "BAD-BYE! UH OH, YOU HAVE A PENIS AND I DON'T! HEAVEN-O!" But you have to say that while talking backwards, and standing on your head, and wearing your shoes on your ears, and shoving hair into your scalp while pulling hamburgers out of your mouth, and enjoying "Baby Geniuses". > I need to know so I can chat up a chi^h^h for a novel I am writing. Post the first page and then we'll believe you. (Just 'cause you have a vagina doesn't mean you can write.) Anyway, get that page posted and then we can all help you finish it. Everyone, please let Nicko know which page you're going to write for him. I call dibs on the _last_ page. -- K. So is your story that women won't like a new classic of Three Stooges fanfic? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Loonatics K 20X6 Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:49:50 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > I just saw the trailer for "Loonatics" online. > > > > "Buzz Bunny" has no trace of a Brooklyn accent. > > > > To say the least. > > Hey at least they don't have huge heads and all wear diapers. Except for the New Improved Tweety Bird, who still has the giant hydrocephalic skull but is Baby Huey from the diaper down. Also he's married to Wendie Malick. > I wonder if they'll ever make a "Baby Happy Days" where it's > all huge-headed toddlers stumbling around in diapers (except > Baby Fonzie has a brown leather jacket and rides a Big Wheel, > or perhaps a Segway because it's stupider). This would be a > good show, as long as it's not a cartoon. It's currently scheduled to be the first show on the new Smellovision Channel. So what will the catchphrase from "Baby Happy Days" be? How do you nail "Sit on it!" to "Diaper gravy!" Matter of fact, how do you nail anything to diaper gravy? And do we really need to see the commercials that will follow with Al Molinaro holding an On-Cor Two-Pound Family Size Entree while saying "DIAPER GRAVY!"? This is why Richard Kind is doing those commercials now. Al Molinaro is busy studying up how to recite his lines in smellovision. Also, it's okay for Baby Fonzie to have a brown leather jacket because if he was a sassy teen in 1958, then he must have been born around 1940, which was before World War II, and they only had brown leather jackets before the war. Black hadn't yet been invented. That was what Isaac Asimov worked on during his secret wartime research -- coming up with a way to make leather jackets cool. He tried chartreuse dye, but eventually discovered this new color called black and once he added it to leather, the world became much cooler. -- K. Baby Tom Bosley is too scary a concept for television. But of course, smellovision ain't television.