From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Like all good movies, "Dead Ringers" comes true Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 02:13:07 -0500 [reuters.myway.com] -> -> Twin Docs Accused of Switching IDs, Abusing Women -> -> Feb 15, 8:34 AM (ET) -> -> SEATTLE (Reuters) -- An attorney has filed the latest in a series -> of civil lawsuits against twin physician brothers, accusing them -> of impersonating one another and sexually assaulting female -> patients in an obstetric-gynecology practice. Uh oh. This means that one of them is going to go on to be in a crappy remake of "The Time Machine" while the other is in the even crappier "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie". And which of them gets to be in a film called "Die Hard 3" made from a rejected script for "Lethal Weapon 4"? Still, it's always good to see a Cronenberg film come tragically true, because this means there's still hope that "Videodrome" could happen to me. -> In a complaint filed in King County Superior Court by Seattle -> lawyer Harish Bharti, six female patients of Charles Momah said -> they were sometimes deceived into being seen, examined, operated -> on and sexually fondled by his twin, Dennis Momah, a general -> practitioner who is not certified in obstetrics and gynecology. -> -> [...] -> -> On some occasions the doctor they believed to be Charles Momah -> was jovial and talkative with little accent. He bore certain -> scars and other physical characteristics. -> -> On other visits, the man they believed to be Charles Momah -> stuttered, had a heavy accent, and even appeared to be a -> different weight, claim the women who filed suit. Maybe it's like that really garbled "Star Trek" episode where someetimes Lazarus had a cut on his forehead and sometimes he didn't because during the cosmic "winking out" effect he went through the time-space corridor which not only revolved by had a handy handrail and exchanged places with his evil twin who was from a future Earth that he destroyed with him time-ship and now he needs some medical blood culture bottles that everyone pretends are dilithium crystals and... what the hell was that episode about, anyway? Oh, yeah, fistfights atop Vazquez Rock. Just like most of the others. Anyway, I'd like to know if these two morons got the idea from watching "Dead Ringers". If so, maybe they're the ones that stole the one crazy medical instrument that disappeared from Cronenberg's collection according to the extras on the DVD. He still has all the other instruments for vivisecting mutant uteri, but he's missing the one that looks like the giant spider. The things I waste my brain remembering... (If you happen to see the arachnoid uterus-shredder lying around somewhere, please send it to Cronenberg when you're through playing with it.) -- K. Maybe the twin creeps will also re-enact "Scanners" and kill Dr. Ruth Westheimer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:28:59 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, that's right, Nick, don't forget that you're an albino. > > Surely you must be able to find chicks with some weird albino fetish > > that you can exploit. > > There are guys like that who cruise the albinism message boards for > women. Well, the solution to your problem is obvious. You can't change your skin, but you can get a sex change. > At the last NOAH conference, one of the discussion groups was > expressing a bit of distress that there are people who fixate on > albinism. I told them that there are websites that sell videos of > women whose cars are stuck in the mud and nothing else. So if it's > not one thing, it's another. You could make the world's first video about an albino getting stuck in the mud! Or an albino flooring the gas pedal! Or an albino farting on a cake! Or an albino having sex with a midget in outer space! Just combine a couple perversions and suddenly you'll have a monopoly on whatever new double-kinked delight you invent! > The problem is that if I find an albino fetishist, it's likely I > won't be Nick to her, but an interchangeable albino. That doesn't > sound good. I find your attitude entirely reasonable and mature. If she's more interested in your hair color / skin color than in your personality, that's very unfulfilling for you. But, on the other hand, maybe you could overlook that if she's really rich and would be your sugar lady. I suggest you immediately begin dating women who are billionaires. > But, it seems lots of people treat their mates as fungible commodities > these days, so why the hell not. What, you want to let her grow mushrooms on you? Eww! Your kink is not pleasant for me to describe to everyone. -- K. I find your attitude entirely reasonable and mature except for your mushroom fetish, which is a lot wronger than my White Castle fetish. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:35:56 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just combine a couple perversions and suddenly you'll have a monopoly > > on whatever new double-kinked delight you invent! > > Which brings me to fetishes THEMSELVES. Nick, no matter where you go, _something_ will bring you to the fetishes themselves. They are inexorable. If you've ever played that summer-camp game where you have to close your eyes and touch grapes, or if you've ever ridden a unicycle, or if you've ever looked at Ronald McDonald's shoes, now nothing can save you from bringing yourself to fetishes and ringing their doorbell until they let you join their secret club. > I've heard two advice-type people in the media give different theories > about what fetishes have in common. > > Dr. Drew Pinsky says that they're put in place because people have a > fear of intimacy, that they need a fetish as a sort of middleware so > that they can distract themselves from the intimacy. Having vanilla > sex is icky, but having sex with giant traffic cones is SUPER-EROTIC. > > Non-Dr. Dan Savage says that fetishes are a control thing, though > he's generally talking about infantilism, S&M, B&D, and other > fetishes with a very clear social hierarchy. Did you put on that adult diaper like I told you in my previous reply? If not, then SHAME ON YOU. No video games for you for a month. > > I find your attitude > > entirely reasonable and > > mature except for your > > mushroom fetish, which > > is a lot wronger than > > my White Castle fetish. > > Hey, I'm from the Nintendo generation. Don't talk back. No video games for two months. And I'm taking your GameBoy away and burning it in front of you because you played a game that wasn't rated "E". If you keep playing those games that are rated "T", you're going to get warped for life. Why don't you do something wholesome, like watching your tape of last night's "CSI"? -- K. I can't wait to see which perversion automatically leads to murder on the upcoming episode with Wil Wheaton. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sex in a cube, now with pirates (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:17:14 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > The big question behind all this is -- why do we feel we have to | > understand this? If someone is running around in a pirate outfit or | > a Darth Vader outfit or dressed like Marilyn Monroe smoking a cigar, | > why do we worry about it so much? | > It's probably because with genders come roles, and grammar. I need > to know which damn pronoun to use. With most people I know instinctively, > because people generally project a consistent image. But then, there > was that one guy (I think) who cut my hair for most of last year. > And it's generally rude to ask people when you can't tell. They should > write a sketch on SNL about this kind of conundrum. No, they should invent a time machine so we can travel back in time to long ago when "saturdaynightlive" should have been cancelled, and cancel the fuck out of it. And if you really are worrying about what pronoun to use for Darth Vader, I would suggest referring to him as "he" or "him", and remember, when talking to him, you can't get into trouble if all you ever say to him is "YES, MY DARK LORD." If you were to say "YES, MY DARK LORD, AND ARE YOU A GIRL?" he might strangle you without touching you, then have stagehands throw Styrofoam boxes at you, and then stab you until you turned into an empty pile of clothes which he would then wash on the wrong setting to shrink them. > Also, there's the Crying Game phobia, which is statistically > ridiculous, but every so often a celebrity picks up the wrong > prostitute and the public cowers in terror. People forget that > when money is changing hands, the probability of deception goes > way up. Uh, yeah, sure, those celebrities who pick up male prostitutes in drag are "accidentally" getting "fooled" by the "wrong" ones, like those dozens of times Eddie Murphy's made the same mistake. Come on, it's not like Eddie Murphy can't afford whatever hooker he wants best. He knows exactly what he wants. The reason there are hookers in drag is that some guys seem them out. (HINT: When someone is dressed as a hooker, their Adam's Apple and giant shoes are hard to miss.) Also, a lot of straight men feel that men give better blowjobs than women, and are willing to get a blowjob from a man in drag. However, I am unaware of any proper scientific research into which gender gives the best ones. I'm sure Eddie Murphy would volunteer to visit a dozen glory holes to tell us which six experiences of unknown gender were his favorites. I'll get the power drill and meet you in your living room, once you hire Eddie Murphy and six regular hookers and six drag hookers. Yes, science can be icky and expensive, but it's gotta be done for the good of mankind. And the word "mankind" does mean "men only". > > Yay! You're quoting one of the world's loudest actors, Dudley Manlove! > > Yes, that was the name he acted under! Dudley Manlove! And then he > > eventually turned into Bill Murray, > > ...wait a minute. Bill Murray played the actor who didn't end up having > the sex change he wanted, and who played the swishy "ah yes, plan nine" > guy who ran the mothership. He was much quieter. They might have > changed that around for the movie Ed Wood. Oh, I'm confusing members of Ed Wood's entourage again. Sorry if I offended you. Been a while since I've seen "Plan 9 From Outer Space". The swishy guy was the leader of the alien planet, and Dudley Manlove was his overacting henchman who made the "stupid minds" speech. I forget which of the two characters was named "Eros". See, I don't waste my brain remembering _everything_ about bad movies! -- K. Some days I'm glad I don't have a photographic memory. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 21:57:31 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > But yeah, I guess because of lesbians, heterosexual guys have a > > nearly-universal kink. Interesting. > > STOP THINKING ABOUT LESBIAN SEX. You just can't, can you? > > --Jeremy > > I sure can't. When two lesbians have sex, how do they decide which one is the woman? -- K. They just don't tell you how to mark those scorecards! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: women go yakety yakety yak (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:57:39 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | > | > [Hey girls,] Tattoos are better [than using makeup] because you can | > make 'em say clever things just like bumper stickers, and you don't | > have to worry about them washing off if you ever take a bath. | > Three reasons I wouldn't ever consider that: > 1) It's not regulated. That's actually a plus. It means you can get it done by whoever you want. And I'd be happy to do it for you for a very reasonable price measured in pounds of candy. > 2) Have you ever wondered what tattooed eyeliner > would look like if applied by someone with Parkinson's? No? Me either. That's a reason you should hurry up and have it done now before I get old and develop some neurological condition which makes my hands shake instead of me just being unable to tell the cast of "Gonin" apart. > But that does apply to reason number > > 3) I told_ you before I get squicked out when it comes to sharp > implements around my eyebulbs. I still have nightmares about > that one eyebulb scene in "A Clockwork Orange". Yeah, well, so does Malcolm MacDowell. Allegedly he has a severe phobia about eyedrops just because he went temporarily blind after a scratch was accidentally gouged into his cornea during one of the 583 takes Kubrick did of that scene. Note that I used the word "accidentally", because we're not talking about Takashi Miike. > > -- K. > > > > Let's talk about > > potato chips. What > > color do you think > > they should be? > > White, beige, > > yellow, tan, or > > brown? And what > > brand makeup > > would you put on > > them to make them > > that way? > > The blue,red,purple and green ones are the best.Especially if > they're still warm and fresh from the oven served with copious amounts > of freshly made salsa. But the rest of the world calls those tortilla > chips,not potato chips. The only real potato chips I like are BBQ > flavored. I used to like barbecue-flavored chips, but I have to stop liking them now because you're such a formattingfuckerupper. Every year I make my right margin a little bigger for those postscripts and every year the people who write computer software make it more aggressive about shredding other people's formatting. And as someone who turns off automatic word-wrap because I like to shuffle the line breaks around by hand in order to create the MOST PERFECT RIGHT MARGIN HUMANLY POSSIBLE -- where the rag isn't too jagged and the longest line is in the middle of the paragraph and there aren't any line breaks aren't in the middle of proper names and the last word isn't on a line by itself and the word spaces in several adjacent lines don't line up like the ones I'm leaving above the "j" on the previous line just to punish you, I can truthfully say that it's unimportant that this sentence is too long to be well-written because it's well-formatted, dammit, and don't you go bouncing the words around like a spastic Arkanoid. Also, if you like green potato chips, I think the Lay's factory will sell you their rejects real cheap if you sign something about how you won't sue them after you drop dead. > I'm getting a craving for good Mexican food now.I wonder what time > Carreta's opens up? What is Carreta's, some sort of Italian restaurant? -- K. My local market is having a big sale on that lame chili that comes in milk cartons. It's very wet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:55:41 -0500 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: | > | > The problem is that if I find an albino fetishist, it's likely I | > won't be Nick to her, but an interchangeable albino. That doesn't | > sound good. | > You're right, that doesn't sound good. That sounds GREAT! as a band > name: > > Interchangľble Albinš Either that, or it could be a series of action figures where all their joints are made out of Velcro. It would be a great marketing move because none of their body parts would match those of competing, non-albinistic dollies, so you couldn't put Nick's head on G.I. Joe's body or vice versa without accidentally creating that guy from "seaQuest" who had the multiracial hopscotch grid on his skin. Nor could you put Wesley Crusher's head on Nick's body without creating the horrifying frankenWheaton as "Mr. Stitch". So the albino action figures would sell really well because you'd have to have two or three of them in order to interchange the parts -- these days no toy is designed to be fun unless you have the whole series of them. Nick, what would the names and super powers of your squadron of Interchangeable Albinš action figures be? Hmm, come to think of it, Archie McPhee (aka "Accoutrements") already sells an "Albino Bowler" action figure. So never mind. Unless your super power is that you're a better bowler than him. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BOWLING DUEL AGAINST AN ACTION FIGURE! -- K. If I were an action figure, it would have a little string you could pull to hear it laugh at any grownup dumb enough to buy it. "You bought me on eBay? And you're collecting little plastic dolls? HAW HAW! LEW-ZER! I may be just a plastic doll, but at least I'm realistic!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Invasion of the Bi Girls (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:11:10 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > [yadda] > > > > Actually, I think the men in prison who play their stupid little > > rape games may not actually be bi, just very, very horny. I doubt > > there are any actual romantic feelings involved. ("Gay" and "bi" > > are not sexual positions.) So guys in prison may not be expressing > > their orientation, just desperation. > > I thought it was domination. Nick, when you're a man, _everything_ is about domination. > Desperation might explain some of the bisexual crazy women, too. > Those top two scary women in my life, they had one thing in common: > Since they were in high school, they haven't gone more than a week > without being in a relationship. Being "alone" was just intolerable > to them. Generally they didn't break up with their existing > relationships until a new one was well underway. So the only way > to take a break from men becomes...? Mass murder? > > BISEXUALITY IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NICK. > > I KNEW IT! Yes, but I knew it first. Because that's domination. I know everything you're going to do before you do it. By the way, don't ask why, but the next time you go to the public pool, you might want to wear an adult diaper under your swim trunks. > > > I'm afraid it might not go away unless I find a better way to avoid > > > crazy women. > > > > NICK, TWO WORDS: LESS INTERNET. > > I should ask for advice more often. I seem to miss out on the most > obvious solutions. > > But what if I'M crazy? If you can ask yourself that question... you're not crazy... unless you're so crazy that you only THINK you're asking yourself that question when you're really not. Also, you might want to hide some twenty-dollar bills between your toes so that if they put you in a straitjacket, you can still bribe Nurse Ratched to let you have the drugs that don't have the side effects that made you need to wear the adult diaper in the pool. You can thank me for all my cheerful, benevolent advice any time you go sane. -- K. And by the way, I'm crazier than you, even though I always act saner. That's part of the dominance thing too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Invasion of the Bi Girls (was: NEWSFLASH! SUSPICION!) Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 20:25:33 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: | | Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: | | | | James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: | | > | | > [...] guys in prison may not be expressing their orientation, | | > just desperation. | | | > I thought it was domination. | > You don't get to start thinking about ze domination until ze desperation, > she is satisfied, yes? No? So you're one of those "It's not domination unless you keep going after they want you to stop" guys, eh? Nick, whatever you do, don't let him try to take you home. > > > NICK, TWO WORDS: LESS INTERNET. > > > > I should ask for advice more often. I seem to miss out on the most > > obvious solutions. > > > > But what if I'M crazy? > > NICK, TWO WORDS: MORE INTERNET. > > Dave "now we can simply watch to see which course the experimental subject > takes, to find the value of the associated characteristic!" DeLaney NICK, RUN AWAY FAST. -- K. I think after this I'll go back to the plainer quoting style -- it's more consistent. Plus it's easier to draw. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: GOD=G_uv FOR IQ's OVER 150 Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:21:38 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: | | Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: | > | > Ad hominem attacks are not acceptable scientific techniques, and have | > no effect on me anyway. | > Oh yeah, that reminds me: I found a brown paper bag marked "Beable's > Lunch" but it's full of batteries. Did you want that? Beable, I had no idea. I thought I was the only leatherman on this newsgroup. Shall I show you to the water fountain? Wanna dance? Can you get me Bob Odenkirk's phone number? Will we get to hang out with Scotty after the show? -- K. Hey, I just remembered Brian Posehn's name. Too bad I'm not talking about "Mr. Show". Dammit! [remember, explanations require Virtual Candy] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Won't somebody think of the bunnies? Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 18:47:15 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > [quoting a recipe Elmer Fudd might enjoy] > > "I rabbit washed in water with a little vinegar then diced"? > > Why does this sound like the first line of a novel instead of a > recipe? VEGAS IS HELL Reprinted without permission from "Manly Men's Tales Of Male Manliness" I rabbit washed in water with a little vinegar than diced. The ragged wire wound around the wheel as the jerks over there played roulette, but because I'm smart I just crapped on the green baize table. The dice came up boxcars one time too many, again and again. "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF WORD IS BAIZE?" I yelled when I lost. "GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH WORD AS BAIZE!" But two of Sinatra's goons fixed my knees good for that. I crawled home from the stupid overpriced hospital and needed a drink bad. All I had was tequila. For the next three weeks. When the blur ended, I was back in Circus Circus, but this time, I couldn't gamble because I was just another clown. THE END -- K. This was made into a movie. It was titled "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this country's greatest challenge: Offensive Sandwich Names Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 00:00:41 -0500 At last! I found a newspaper with the guts to tell us what the name of the world's most offensive sandwich _really_ is! [www.bergen.com] -> -> Lunch at Rutgers: Bigotry with every bite -> -> Thursday, February 17, 2005 -> By Jeffrey Page -> -> NEW BRUNSWICK -- You would think that in a university town of -> beauty, truth and art a man with a lunch wagon would never be -> allowed to name his sandwiches with words that you've always -> taught your kid never to use. That's right! Any town that's so into art should have total censorship of all media, including snack food! -> Somehow in New Brunswick they think it's kind of funny to name a -> sandwich the Fat Beach. That's as in, "I'll have a Fat Beach, a -> Coke and an apple." Other fare at a clump of wagons at the busy -> intersection of College Avenue and Hamilton Street include -> sandwiches named for certain religions, women, nationalities, gay -> men and certain body parts and functions -- all preceded by the -> word "fat" -- that newspaper editors rarely allow in their pages. GOD BLESS the www dot bergen dot com aka www dot southjersey dot com The Record and/or The Herald for having the courage to print the word "beach" that no other newspaper would ever print because it offends certain religions, women, nationalities, gay men, certain body parts and functions, and people who can't swim! -> It's been a fixture in New Brunswick for years. -> -> Never mind that it makes no sense. Never mind that there is no -> apparent relationship between the ingredients of the atrociously -> misspelled Fat Buddah sandwich and the Buddha himself. "I want my money back! There's very little meat in this Fat Buddah, and specifically ordered a slice from near the belly button!" -- K. I hereby grant Rutgers permissions to name their best sandwich the Fat Kibo, even though I'm not fat. It's just the sandwich that's fat, and I don't mind, because it's JUST A STUPID SANDWICH NAME! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two questions Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:23:49 -0500 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > 1) What is the most sexist thing a guy could ever utter to a woman? Sheesh, use your imagination. If you're not capable of being sexist all by yourself, you're no man. "HA HA, I HAVE A PENIS AND YOU DON'T!" Also, you can say that to her. > 2) What is the exact opposite of that? "BAD-BYE! UH OH, YOU HAVE A PENIS AND I DON'T! HEAVEN-O!" But you have to say that while talking backwards, and standing on your head, and wearing your shoes on your ears, and shoving hair into your scalp while pulling hamburgers out of your mouth, and enjoying "Baby Geniuses". > I need to know so I can chat up a chi^h^h for a novel I am writing. Post the first page and then we'll believe you. (Just 'cause you have a vagina doesn't mean you can write.) Anyway, get that page posted and then we can all help you finish it. Everyone, please let Nicko know which page you're going to write for him. I call dibs on the _last_ page. -- K. So is your story that women won't like a new classic of Three Stooges fanfic? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two questions Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 06:08:36 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > 1) What is the most sexist thing a guy could ever utter to a woman? > > > > 2) What is the exact opposite of that? > > In a vague non-answer to both of those questions, you should play > "The Poop Game", which was invented by a girl I dated many times before > I learned my lesson. The object of the game is to try and say the word > "Poop" and make it sound sexy. IT CAN'T BE DONE!!!! Shows what you know. I'm sure Jack Black could say "poop" and make it sound sexy. In fact, he could even make even grosser excreta sound sexy, such as "cramps" and "squirt" and "meconium" and "fewmets" and "shrimp". Other people who could make any sort of poop sound sexy include the late Barry White and, of course, any tiny geisha. Well, the last one wouldn't be so much "sexy oh baby" but more "sexy ha-ha". With a side of "sexy strange" and a twist of "sexy boo-hoo that sucked". Now, there _are_ verbal expressions which cannot be made to sound sexy, but they're not single words. To wit: "Michael Jackson's brain". Brr! > Everyone takes turns and looks stupid. Lotsa laughs. So how stoned do you have to be to play, and how many hours does the game last? -- K. P.S.: shriiiiiimp! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Loonatics K 20X6 Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 16:49:50 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > I just saw the trailer for "Loonatics" online. > > > > "Buzz Bunny" has no trace of a Brooklyn accent. > > > > To say the least. > > Hey at least they don't have huge heads and all wear diapers. Except for the New Improved Tweety Bird, who still has the giant hydrocephalic skull but is Baby Huey from the diaper down. Also he's married to Wendie Malick. > I wonder if they'll ever make a "Baby Happy Days" where it's > all huge-headed toddlers stumbling around in diapers (except > Baby Fonzie has a brown leather jacket and rides a Big Wheel, > or perhaps a Segway because it's stupider). This would be a > good show, as long as it's not a cartoon. It's currently scheduled to be the first show on the new Smellovision Channel. So what will the catchphrase from "Baby Happy Days" be? How do you nail "Sit on it!" to "Diaper gravy!" Matter of fact, how do you nail anything to diaper gravy? And do we really need to see the commercials that will follow with Al Molinaro holding an On-Cor Two-Pound Family Size Entree while saying "DIAPER GRAVY!"? This is why Richard Kind is doing those commercials now. Al Molinaro is busy studying up how to recite his lines in smellovision. Also, it's okay for Baby Fonzie to have a brown leather jacket because if he was a sassy teen in 1958, then he must have been born around 1940, which was before World War II, and they only had brown leather jackets before the war. Black hadn't yet been invented. That was what Isaac Asimov worked on during his secret wartime research -- coming up with a way to make leather jackets cool. He tried chartreuse dye, but eventually discovered this new color called black and once he added it to leather, the world became much cooler. -- K. Baby Tom Bosley is too scary a concept for television. But of course, smellovision ain't television. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The city of Fort Wayne, Indiana, is the world's biggest idiot! Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2005 23:53:10 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > On Thu, 20 Jan 2005, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Smartest and dumbest cities, according to Men's Health: > > -> > > -> [...] > > > > Wait, St. Paul isn't a real city. It's a suburb of Minneapolis. > > If it's on the list, then Cambridge had better be counted as > > separate from Boston, too. > > I have the perfect South St. Paul bar in mind for you to publicly make this > announcement. I'll be waiting outside, and while it's true that that > outside point will be several miles away, it will still be outside. Sure. I'll just go there, and dis them, and then just over a month later someone will come up with a witty rejoinder (you can put it on a postcard and send it to the bar, and then I can read it to them so they can say it to me.) > As a resident of the city that Men's Health has declared to be the > fattest city for two consecutive years I've read more than my fair > share of criticism of how they go about making their determinations. > With such being the case I'd like to state for the record that I've > spent far more time in the smart cities than the dumb cities which > means that it is my presence that smartens a city right up. Yeah, but it's a _fat_ kind of smart. > Not only that, it probably also means that I have a plutonium atom > at the center of my brain. Oh sure, I never really thought about it > before, but Men's Fitness has a way of making these things just > _so_ obvious! On the other hand, "Men's Fatness" magazine has free White Castle burgers taped to every page. Mmm, squished White Castles. -- K. So which cities are the weirdest, and why even putting more then one on the list? I am the City Of Weird. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Straight guys wish they were lesbians. Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:31:54 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > Johnd Fstone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I wonder how many fag hags wish they were gay men. > > Margaret Cho at least. Yes, but, how many _funny_ fag hags wish they were gay men? > I know exactly two woman could be thus described, though I wish > there were a friendlier label than "fag hag" for such a lifestyle. > > The first is loud and chatty, goes clubbing until 4:00am once a > week, and won't tell a story in one sentence because she can tell > it just as well in twelve sentences, in half the time. At a recent > party she said "I forgot how easy it is to flirt with straight > guys," as she described some interaction with the bartender that > resulted in a free drink. She thus demonstrates a slight disconnect > from straight culture. I wouldn't know if she'd rather be a gay > man; I'd have to ask. Well, then you might also find out if she'd be the type who punches like a real man or the type who slaps like a girl. > The second, I know somewhat less about, but my TOTALLY NOT BITTER > instincts tell me she's afraid or resentful of straight men. If > this were true, then becoming a gay man would rob her of the > protection she enjoys now. She-he would then have to hang around > straight guys to stay safe from men. Where would she find a place where everyone's straight? They even have gay hockey players now. (Especially while the current season is cancelled.) Someone needs to invent a "straight bar" where only straight guys and fag hags who have had sex changes will be admitted. Better yet, there could be a bar for exploratory fag hags where they would get a sex change going in and another one going out. How much do those automatic, doorway-mounted sex change machines cost? You know, the ones they have in Trader Joe's so that they only have to have a unisex restroom? I think the bigger question is, what to do about the fag hags who are unaware they've become fag hags? Like the woman I mentioned last Halloween who, upon meeting me on the subway and having it explained to her that my Halloween costume meant I was gay, blurted out very loudly that she had a BOYFRIEND and her BOYFRIEND looked just like Freddie Mercury and the train got to my station before I could ask if she had a clue what that implied? And then there was the time on the sidewalk outside the bar, where some of us were having a little fun, and a woman who stopped to ask for directions then noticed we noticed how she was staring at us and gave this wonderfully flustered speech which, if I remember correctly, actually contained the line "I wish I were a gay man, you guys got it all figured out, you know what you like!" -- K. Of course, I'm lying about Trader Joe's having restrooms. They took them all out years ago because fag hags would hide in there to grab the cashiers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Straight guys wish they were lesbians. Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 02:54:58 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] becoming a gay man would rob her of the > > > protection she enjoys now. She-he would then have to hang around > > > straight guys to stay safe from men. > > > > Someone needs to invent a "straight bar" where only straight guys and > > fag hags who have had sex changes will be admitted. > > That's a good idea. It seems that straight culture isn't very "inviting". Why, did they threaten to kick you out if you don't get a girlfriend? > My favorite episode of Ellen was the one where they slipped into > the gay universe, and Spense was the only one who was straight. > "Why do we have to go to the straight neighborhood?" "Well, it's > the only place we can find a recliner with a cup holder." It made > me feel special, like we did have something to offer the world that > was just ours. It's like when I see people in Tokyo wearing Simpsons > T-shirts. Still, it would be nice if straight people were proud enough to wear straight pride symbols, such as hockey pants, bulletproof vests, or Jay Leno masks. > A local morning zoo DJ wanted to have straight pride parades, and > the Matsuri festival of Japanese culture is taking place soon in > Phoenix. It got me thinking: how do you have a parade for straight > people, or white people, that invites the gay people and non-Anglos > to partake in our cup holders and mayonnaise sandwiches? White > people have co-opted foreign cultures for long enough, and now > straight people are co-opting pieces of gay culture, so it's only > fair that we give back. Certainly, even if we found a tasteful way > to do so, a bunch of Klansmen and fundamentalists would show up and > ruin everything. Um, Nick? As far as straight pride parades go? Ever been to Boston around St. Patrick's Day? > Well, maybe we've already given back enough, by making everyone > on the planet learn English. Still, I think more people should > know about mayonnaise. "So _that's_ what straight people use in their bukkake videos!" > > and a woman [...] gave this wonderfully flustered speech which, > > if I remember correctly, actually contained the line "I wish I were a > > gay man, you guys got it all figured out, you know what you like!" > > Nobody wishes they were straight for that reason. I've only heard > people wish they were straight for intense reasons, such as so that > their parents will talk to them again, or so they don't have to > explain it to the children, or the media. People don't wish they > were straight so that they could be like Jeff Foxworthy. I've met eighty-three people who told me they only became gay because they wanted to be nothing like Jeff Foxworthy. -- K. Whaddaya mean, "gay people and non-Anglos"? Aren't all minorities already gay, just like all foreigners? If not, then what _is_ the difference between British people and Americans? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Straight guys wish they were lesbians. Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:10:55 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Still, it would be nice if straight people were proud enough to wear > > straight pride symbols, such as hockey pants, bulletproof vests, or > > Jay Leno masks. > > Or the hats with the beer cans attached. Nick, you need to get out more. Both gay guys and straight women wear those for the same purpose. Three words: Refreshingly cool blowjob. Better than Altoids. When you're older I'll tell you why candy stores still sell lemon drops. > > Um, Nick? As far as straight pride parades go? Ever been to Boston > > around St. Patrick's Day? > > No I haven't, but I read the news: gays cannot march, which proves > my point -- a bunch of Irish Catholics show up and ruin everything. > Gay people don't kick straight people out of the gay pride parades, > do they? Straight == EXCLUSION == jackasses, gay == INCLUSION == > world peace. Gay people don't kick straights out of their pride parades -- after all, the whole point is that they want _everybody_ to see the parade -- though I do know some bars where they don't cotton to fag hags. > > "So _that's_ what straight people use in their bukkake videos!" > > So there's no gay bukkake? You guys really dodged a bullet, then. I dunno. I never looked. I only ever visit porn stores for the sparkling conversation, not for the porn. > That gives me a million-peso idea: bukkake where they dodge it, using > state-of-the-art bullet time effects. Cut your Ben Stiller "Dodgeball" DVD and your Ben Stiller "There's Something About Mary" DVD in half and glue them together and off you go. -- K. Or if you'd rather have Kevin Bacon, use the "Animal House" scene where John Belushi plays the zit. It's like "The Miracle Worker" but more sophisticated because none of the characters are handicapped. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Straight guys wish they were lesbians. Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 02:11:59 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Like the woman I mentioned last Halloween > > who, upon figuring out that my Halloween costume meant I was gay, blurted > > out very loudly that she had a BOYFRIEND and her BOYFRIEND looked just > > like Freddie Mercury and the train got to my station before I could ask > > if she had a clue what that implied? > > That she mistook you for her boyfriend? Ha! Sorry, he was too much of a neatly-groomed, makeup-wearing, spandex-shirted guy. I'm more the "outlaw biker without the bike" type these days. Oh, and I'm also the only person in the world with this hair color. (This is because the stores are _always_ out of my shade of hair dye.) Of course, when I'm not clubbing, I still wear my eyeglasses (contacts are just for social occasions) and eyeglasses combined with anything, even black leather, still equal nerd to a lot of people. But if people think I'm a nerd that definitely doesn't make me Freddie Mercury, who was an '80s rock singer and therefore not a nerd like the '50s ones. Also I don't know all the words to "We Will Rock You". In fact, I don't think I know any of them. However, I can understand why all women want me to be their boyfriend. Let me tell you a story that will make all women in the world love me even more. Today at the nightclub, a sociopath (and a big guy) who, years ago, had sexually molested my date (a little guy) was once again bothering my date. Well, long story short, my date now recognizes that I'm a knight in shining armor even though I wasn't wearing much of it tonight (just the gloves.) So, ladies, let it be noted that I protect my dates from rapists, which is really all women want in a relationship. (Men want that plus ownership of the TV remote control.) Gals, I am the perfect man for you and you can't have me because I switched teams a while ago. Nyah! -- K. I should become one of those guys who carries a sword wherever he goes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Straight guys wish they were lesbians. Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 23:58:27 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today at the nightclub, a sociopath (and a big guy) who, > > years ago, had sexually molested my date (a little guy) was once again > > bothering my date. Well, long story short, my date now recognizes that > > I'm a knight in shining armor even though I wasn't wearing much of it > > tonight (just the gloves.) So, ladies, let it be noted that I protect > > my dates from rapists, which is really all women want in a relationship. > > Women also want to know who's not a rapist. Useful information to have. It's hard to remember the complete list of Who's Not A Rapist, though. As many as 90% of men might not be rapists. > Except the first thing a sociopath learns is how to hide the fact that > he's a sociopath until it's too late. The best way to make it clear that you are not a sociopath is to go around doing what a sociopath never could, which is to yell "I AM A SOCIOPATH!" So, come on, Nick, we're waiting. > > I should become one of those > > guys who carries a sword > > wherever he goes. > > Maybe I should carry a sharpening steel around me, to bash potential > rapists. It's smaller than a baseball bat. Hope it's not too small > to serve its purpose. I've never compared it to, say, a cop's > nightstick, which I assume represents the ideal length for a blunt > instrument. Heavy sticks intended primarily for self-defense come in many lengths, from the humble kubotan and blackjack all the way up to the side-handle aluminum baton, the deadly six-cell MagLite, and of course your old friend the fungo bat. Many of these are also available in spring-loaded concealable varieties, or with electroshock prongs, or with delicious pepper spray. Other items include those keychains that double as plastic versions of brass knuckles with spikes for eye-gouging (you put your fingers through the two holes that represent the cute kitty-cat's eyes, and gouge the rapist's eyes with the cat's ears) and leather police gloves with hidden weights sewn into the knuckles. But for my money, the best concealable weapon is an unopened roll of Necco wafers. It's like being punched by someone holding a roll of quarters, only poisonous. If you don't think Necco wafers can break teeth, try eating one. Know those indestructible porcelain tiles that are all that survives when a Space Shuttle explodes? They're made by Necco. > STICK TIME! I envision that as the opening line of a commercial where some woman yells, "Hey! You got your sausage stick in my bagel!" and then I protect her from the evil food molester by pounding him to a bloody pulp with a fifty-cell MagLite. Though they might not let us show that on network TV unless we edit it so that I only pound him to a _clean_ pulp. -- K. Watching lots of industrial- safety films will also give you ideas for many new ways to kill someone with common household objects such as bulldozers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear kibologisy cooker people. Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:38:08 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > What should I serve with my chicken and dumple tonight? Your country. Join the Army and prove you're a real man by getting yourself blown up to protect our citizens' rights to eat at local fast-food restaurants which are owned by chains which also have locations in Iraq. Either that or patronize your favorite Korean car manufacturer. As the car commercials this President's Day weekend said, "ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR KIA, ASK WHAT KIA CAN DO FOR YOU." I don't think that slogan was a very good idea. Have you considered okra? -- K. Consider the humble okra. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear kibologisy cooker people. Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 18:03:24 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "ASK NOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR KIA, ASK WHAT KIA CAN DO FOR YOU." > > I don't think that slogan was a very good idea. > > Yeah, it was supposed to be what you can do for -A- Kia, but Neil > Armstrong fucked it up. He did it on purpose just so nobody would ever catch on that the Moon landings were obviously fake. You know how I know they were fake? BECAUSE THEY WERE ON TV!!! I'm too smart to think TV is real. Also NASA secretly replaced all of Neil Armstrong's blood with red-tinted corn syrup to make it easier for them to wad him up and cram him into that little space capsule. -- K. Who would win in a fight between Kneel Armstrong and Spanky Wickerbottom? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are colours meant to bleed into each other like that? Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 18:18:15 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I mean in my vision after I ate that hot chilli stuff last night. If the colors got really super-saturated and started to ooze into each other, then yes, you made it spicy enough. Enjoy the hell out of something really sweet afterwards, like a banana or plum, while watching your DVD of "Yellow Submarine". Being high is the only way to watch that movie without wanting to complain that to make it letterboxed, they cut off the top and bottom of a version that already had the left and right cut off, much like the TV versions of "Dr. Strangelove" where they cut off the left and right sides of the version that already had the top and bottom cut off. But in the latter case Kubrick was trying to confuse people in the future who would someday own widescreen TVs because some of the scenes in that movie were 1.33:1 and some were 1.66:1 and some of the 1.33:1 scenes were composed to look like they should stay 1.33:1 and some were composed to look like they were supposed to be cropped to 1.66:1 but weren't. "Yellow Submarine", on the other hand, was brutalized for no good reason. And it's a shame, because it's the best movie ever for watching while you're high on chili. "Tommy" and "Flash Gordon" work well, too, but I wouldn't try "Dr. Strangelove". If you have to do a Kubrick film while high, skip the first four hours of "2001" until you get to the lamely psychedelic alien landscapes which just look like tinted aerial stock footage from "Dr. Strangelove" if you're not high. Also, never put the chili powder directly into your eyes, unless you prefer seeing "A Clockwork Orange". > It had: > 1 packet of yellow chilli peppers (couldn't get all the seeds out) > 2 big spoons of crushed garlic > 2 big spoons of crush ginger > 2 big spoons of Thai Red Curry Paste > Sweet Chilli Sauce > Oyster Sauce > 1 red capsicum > 1/4 head of brocolli > 1 carrot > water chestnuts > Bean shoots > Mushrooms > Tofu (went scrambled) Sounds good, except you forgot the Chinese sausage and most of the curry paste. > My cuticles always burn for a couple of hours after cutting up chillies, > it is midly annoying. Aww, your widdle cuticles are burning. You know, they've invented these new things called "gloves" for people like you who can't even deal with _touching_ spicy food. -- K. "Spicy food? You're soaking in it!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Are colours meant to bleed into each other like that? Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 18:35:31 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > My cuticles always burn for a couple of hours after cutting up chillies, > > it is midly annoying. > > Actually, what is odd, is my hands (mainly the back of my hand) burns > when I start washing the dishes. Not before. We've secretly replaced TimC's dishwashing liquid with new habanero- flavored Ivory liquid. Let's watch. > And then they continue on burning through the night. That's what _she_ said! > I wake up in the morning with the burning gone. Any screaming during urination? If so, you might have caught VD from a dirty sink. > I've taken recently to wearing gloves that are specifically > reserved for cutting chilli. Serious: If you're sensitive to chili, don't wear the same gloves over and over, wear disposables, and be sure they're not something you're allergic to (i.e. if you're using latex gloves, you might try switching to vinyl or nitrile ones.) If you _must_ wear your favorite expensive kinky fireman gloves while doing the dishes, put other gloves over them to keep them from gradually getting chilified. > I am not as manly as Kibo. That goes without saying, even for Australians. -- K. For more recommendations on human dishwashers wearing gloves, I refer you to the writings of The King Of Science, Archimedes Plutonium: [Archimedes Plutonium, September 2003] -> -> I wore a pair of latex gloves for about 2 weeks and it appears as -> though -> a wart sprung up as an aftermath. This is not the first time such a -> thing has happened and I recall the last time it disappeared after -> about -> 4 or 5 months. [Archimedes Plutonium, September 2003] => => Instead of using a trowel to place cement I believe in using the => fingers. Not because I am an amateur => bricklayer but because I need to find the method that saves every => precious piece of Portland cement. => => Of course using latex gloves and not exposed skin. => => For placement of mortar for the vertical joints that is easy. For => the horizontal joints is a little bit => more tricky. What I do is get a 3/8 steel rebar and wire connect => it to the vertical rebar and then rest the next course with its => *inner edge* onto the => rebar. Thus I have a uniform horizontal guide. Then with the => latex-glove, never a trowel, I fill in the => gaps and with a pointer I then solidly compact the joint. [Archimedes Plutonium, January 2005] -> -> I have been battling warts for years now, about 10 of them. I have 4 -> remaining; 2 on hands and 2 on foot. I believe I got them when I lived -> on the East Coast and using rubber gloves and using rubber massage -> sandals. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this blows Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 18:37:02 -0500 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > I really hope I can stop the bleeding without a trip to hospital. Typing > with one hand sure sucks donkey dick. Uh, Nicko, I don't know what you're trying to tell us, but it better be something about "running with scissors" and not "masturbation with scissors". -- K. I can type with my feet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: this blows Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 18:42:15 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > I really hope I can stop the bleeding without a trip to hospital. Typing > > with one hand sure sucks donkey dick. > > Did you bring a pencil to a knife fight *again*?! Hey, _someone_ had to be there to sketch the illustrations for the next issue of "Boy's Life". -- K. I envision a treehouse with a sign saying "SECRET FIGHT CLUB, NO GIRLS ALLOWED" with the second "S" backwards. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Papillon Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 02:40:40 -0500 Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > OK, after holding off for weeks I'll give in and ask: who/what is > Papillion? Now that you've had several people give you completely serious answers, here are the _correct_ ones: 1. "Papillon" is Spanish for "butterfly" and is a word used for people who are very heterosexual, because Muhammad Ali always used to say that "float like a butterfly" thing while punching other macho guys. Always call tough Latino guys "Papillon". 2. "Poopilon", as it is correctly spelled, is a new wonder fabric made from poop. It's great for people who are planning to become incontinent, because nobody cares if you poop in your pants when your pants _are_ poop. 3. A "papillion", as you spelled it, is a number greater than one "schmillion" but smaller than "six". It is written in Roman numerals as a capital schwa. 4. "Pa Pillion" rides on the bitch seat even when he's the only one on his chopper. 5. "Papillin'" is rapper slang for "par-pilling" which is an Extreme Golf practice where anyone who goes over par has to take a herion overdose. 6. "Papilloni" is Pizza Hut's exciting new pizza with the crust on the inside and the sauce in your lap. 7. "Poopilon" is still a wonder fabric that poops on you. Buy Poopilon. Pre-pooped fabric is cheaper than making your own by buying a bodysuit made from Burlax, The Laxative Fabric. -- K. Or maybe it was just a movie starring Butterfly McQueen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Comically oversized underpanties in the news Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 03:19:10 -0500 [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> AMSTERDAM (Reuters) -- The delicate problem of how to dump a lover before -> moving on to the next one has been given a new twist by a Dutch Web site. -> -> The site suggests women tell their partner they want a baby and men buy -> their girlfriend underwear that's too big. What about gay or lesbian couples? If I want to dump a man, am I supposed to demand he get pregnant, or just buy him a jockstrap where the strap part is way too big and the cup part is way too small? I looked at the site (www.dumpjeschatje.nl) but all the dumping tips were written in some sort of futuristic space babytalk, like this one: => Maak een erotische film voor jullie tweetjes en zet hem op het internet. I think that means "Make an erotic film with Julia Child and Tweety Bird hemming slacks in a giant zit and post it to the HeteroInternet." The music that the site plays constantly is also from some sort of futuristic space disco on the planet Kree-Pee. -- K. And the woman in all the example pictures is wearing bright red overalls over a pink striped sweater, just like Andy Pandy. (ELDRAD MUST LIVE!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): "Spot's Edible Underwear" Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 22:21:17 -0500 Hey! Story! Come read! SPOT'S EDIBLE UNDERWEAR by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry Spot and Einstein were looking at a big thing. Einstein pointed to where various colors of sticky bikini briefs were trundling along a conveyor belt. "My greatest invention. It's a perpetual-motion machine which constantly invents new flavors of edible underwear." "KIWI!" yelled the machine. "PERSIMMON NOUGATINE!" "Wow!" gasped Spot. "Can't it make anything other than edible underwear?" Einstein smiled and flipped a small switch from "MAKE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR" to "MAKE SOMETHING OTHER THAN EDIBLE UNDERWEAR". The machine thought a moment. "EDIBLE COLOSTOMY BAGS!" Then it exploded. "Ow!" yelled Spot, "Your stupid machine exploded in my eye and got shards of nougatine all up and down my viscera!" But Spot was just a puppy, and puppies are very resilient. He stopped bleeding and trotted out of the building, happy that the trauma had already made him forget everything he knew about edible underpants. He immediately chanced upon a discreet shop. Its flashing neon sign said: AMERICAN EDIBLE UNDERWEAR BUFFET "Wow!" wowed Spot, "Edible underwear! I never thought of that!" He went inside, but was puzzled. "All I see are BVDs and Hanes and Calvin Klein and Fruit Of The Bleeping Loom! None of those are edible underwear!" The maitre d' explained that, technically, all underwear was edible given sufficient motivation, then rabbit-punched Spot's face several times. "Waah! Stop hitting me! I'm never going to eat any underwear! Munch, munch. Okay, all gone! How much do I owe you for the two pairs I ate?" Spot paid his fifty-eight dollar bill (not counting the 15% tip to the underwear waiter) and fled the weird buffet which had underwear and even waiters. On the sidewalk, Spot realized something. "Wait! There's no such thing as a fifty-eight dollar bill! It would have to have a picture of a President so obscure that the author of this story couldn't even make his name up if he wanted to!" This startling concept halted Spot's brain in its tracks (while it was still inside his head) and he again forgot that he knew all about edible underwear, or that he had eaten the only other kind of underwear. Then Spot stepped in a puddle. One of his paws was wet! Spot cried! The tears ran down his face and dripped onto the pavement, forming a second puddle, which he also stepped in, causing him to both cry and scream like a little girl. "EWW! ICK! MOMMY, I'M MOIST!" But no help was forthcoming, not even from one of the city's many Public Mommies. (Most of them were undercover cops, but they weren't interested in Spot because Public Mommies are above the law, and dogs are beneath the law.) Spot tried to dry off his damp feet by sticking them into a square of wet cement where the sidewalk was being extended. He sank in with a "blorp", because the sidewalk was eight feet thick here! Spot barely managed to pull himself out before he could drown in gray goo, but by then the cement clinging to his midsection was hardening. Spot was now wearing cement underwear! "Waah!" squalled Spot, "I never wanted my underwear to be permanent, inedible, and/or gray!" This was terrible! And so were the events described by this story! Spot decided to kill himself. He ran home and threw himself into the intake of Einstein's Perpetual Edible Underwear machine. Dog-flavored panties came out the other end. Einstein sold them all, except for the pair he wore on special occasions. THE END. -- K. Spot seems to have an awful lot of adventures involving eating inedible stuff. That makes him stupid! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSC backfires! Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 22:38:15 -0500 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Please comment on this for me, cause I am still typing-challenged due to a > recent mishap. Thank you. I told you not to stick all ten fingers into the toaster at the same time! Always keep one finger in your pocket when touching fire with the other nine. -> Radio boasts lead FBI to alleged bank robbers -> -> The Associated Press -> Published February 23, 2005, 2:30 PM CST -> -> Federal officials say a Dolton man's bragging on a Chicago radio station -> gave authorities the lead they needed to charge him and one other person -> with robbing a bank last spring. -> -> The April robbery of a TCF Bank in South Chicago Heights went unsolved until -> a bank employee heard a man's telephone call to a popular confessions show -> on WKSC-FM last fall, according to a criminal complaint made public this -> week. -> -> The caller bragged that he and five others tied up employees, took $81,000 -> from the bank and spent some of the money at ritzy stores on Chicago's -> Michigan Avenue. He's stupid. Also, his five friends are co-stupid. Is that what you wanted me to say? Or do I also have to find a cure for Terminal Nitwittism With A Side Of Florid Stupidity? -> [...] -> -> FBI officials say the bragging was the break they needed because bank -> employees were not able to provide good descriptions of the alleged robbers. -> -> "As a result we had no leads until one of the individuals in the robbery -> called 103.5,'' Assistant U.S. Atty. Terra Brown said. "The details he -> provided were incredibly helpful in moving this investigation forward.'' WARNING WARNING WARNING QUOTE IMBALANCE QUOTE IMBALANCE QUOTE IMBALANCE PREPARE FOR ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO "EXPLODE'' hyphen hyphen K dot now you've got the stoopee shot ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: SSC backfires! Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 01:47:19 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is that what you wanted me to say? Or do I also have to find a cure for > > Terminal Nitwittism With A Side Of Florid Stupidity? > > If you do find the cure, let us know. You don't have to make it available > to them or anything, but you ARE required to laugh maniacally by existing > FDA law. I have found an instantaneous and highly effective cure for stupidity, but I can never market it because it infringes on L. Ron's patent on "R2-.45" even though mine's not a pansy robot. > > hyphen hyphen K dot > > now you've got > > the stoopee shot > > Dave "dribble dribble / splash splash / no way I'm going to / write this > slash" DeLaney Oh, come on, surely you could write at least _one_ story about L. Ron's torrid romance with C3PO inside a volcano filled with antifreeze in a galaxy far, far away. Then we could all place our bets on whether George Lucas or L. Ron's minions would get you first. Also, hot Darth Vader on John Travolta action where they discuss cheeseburgers until Vader says "Bring out the Gonk!" I am such a nerd. (But the Tarantino sort of nerd, not the Lucas sort of nerd, so I'm still better than the rest of you nerds.) -- K. And can your story kill Ralph Malph? I don't mean put him in the story, I mean I want his head to explode when he reads it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Silliest riot helmet ever? Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 01:28:02 -0500 While I was browsing the Web just now, there was an ancient rerun of "Cops" on my TV -- it's a 1994 episode where they follow Hong Kong police around -- and one of the cops, preparing to launch a tear-gas raid by boat, was wearing a full-face helmet with a little spinning propeller sticking out of the front of the chin (I guess it was supposed to act as a fan to keep all the tear gas in the face of the other cops in the boat.) This raises the question: Which would be a better punchline in the Bizarro universe, a pirate with a propeller on his chin or a Hong Kong cop with a steering wheel on his crotch? Also, what would Bizarro Hong Kong be like, especially the food? -- K. I'm waiting for "Cops" to visit all the cities on Bizarro Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 04:28:58 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I was talking to a student today who told me that he thinks that his > father is gay, not that he thinks there's anything wrong with that. I > asked him what made him think that and he said that his dad has > started wearing super tight jeans, plaid flannel shirts, a cowboy hat > and boots. He lives in NY, close to the Canadian border. I was > thinking maybe he wanted to be a Mountie, but what do I know? > However, I do know someone who knows all about gay fashion who could > tell me where this guy would be sitting in the local bar. Gay side? > Straight side? Outcast not allowed on either side? Upstairs? > Downstairs? Needs more leather? So, Lots, what do you think? Although I'm no expert, I'll field this so that Lots42 won't have to be embarrassed if this kid's father is him. Why don't you tell the student something like "Dressing like a cowboy / pirate / Ghostbuster / Mork doesn't make someone gay, unless they're also dating members of the same sex, and/or wearing super tight chaps directly over their see-through lame' jockstrap." I suppose you could also haul out the old one about "If your parents are gay and thus can't conceive children, then you probably won't either." If he's suddenly gone cowboy, it could just mean that he's having a midlife crisis, or that he's found the confidence to dress however he wants, or that he got a job selling Marlboros, or that he dropped too much acid while watching the rodeo semifinals on ESPN2, or that he's gay. Clothes don't really mean anything -- unless accompanied by the proper shape of mustache. You won't be able to make a proper diagnosis unless you get the kid a Ken doll and ask him to draw daddy's mustache on it. Either that, or ask the kid to bring in one of daddy's Billy dolls. Another way to tell might be to find out how good the father is with his lasso. If he keeps missing the cows and "accidentally" tying Cowpoke Joe to the fencepost behind the barn, that might be important, at least to Cowpoke Joe. Oh, and this may be the determining factor: How close to the Canadian border? -- K. Can you describe what font his tattoos are lettered in? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 16:52:28 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Although I'm no expert, I'll field this so that Lots42 won't have to > > be embarrassed if this kid's father is him. > > You do realize that you are evil...? Yes, but I'm evil in a good way. In fact, I'm good at being evil. It's good that I'm so evil. Evil evil evil. And the reason I love all you folks is that you allow me to be as evil as I want to be. (It's not as if you could stop me.) If "evil", "live", "vile", and "veil" are anagrams and therefore deeply meaningful because of that whole "dog"/"god" thing, is this information useful in any way other than when playing that stupid computerized word game at the bar? Yesterday I was waiting for someone so I needed to kill some time, so I put a buck into the bar-top swivel iMac-shaped game thingie, one of those with a touch-screen and 60 different lame little games. There's one called "Word Master" that I had seen my friends play and I knew I would enjoy sandblasting all their names off the permanent high score screen the first time I played it. (The existing highest score was 14 million, the other nine on the list were 1 million.) It works like this: The game gives you nine random letters, like E V H L I Q X Y Q ...and you have a few seconds to peck out words by smashing your index finger into the touch-screen really hard. In this case, I would have made EVIL VILE LIVE VEIL VIE LIE HIE. (You have to make words of three to five letters.) Yes, a square grouping of E-V-I-L did show up at top left in one of the rounds I played. The first game I didn't know what I was doing -- I hadn't figured out the undisclosed parts of the rules and I didn't yet have the hang of pounding on the screen with my finger hard enough -- so I only got one and a half million points. The second game someone interrupted me. Third game, 14 million. Fourth game, 11 million. I would have scored a lot higher but ran into a bug in the software (probably an intentional one -- this game cheats all over the place.) Firstly, I had to overcome the way the thing doesn't allow -S or -ED suffixes. Nowhere in the rules does it say that, and that threw me in the first game. Secondly, its vocabulary, even of common three-letter words, has lots of weird omissions. If you have fifteen seconds to spell three words and you type "RUG" and it buzzes and then you have to reach across the screen and erase letters, that screws you over real good. Thirdly, and most importantly, the way the thing cheats is that at a certain level it becomes mathematically impossible. You see, to advance to the next level, you have to either earn a certain score (involving making about three five-letter words or five four-letter words) or fill up all seven blanks on the screen with words. In other words, your goal is to either make seven three-letter words, or make fewer, longer ones. But around level 40, on every second level the machine will inform you that you need 4,294,967,295 points (that's MAXINT minus one on a 32-bit computer) to continue, so if you don't find seven words, it doesn't matter what you do find, you're hosed. Anyway, that's my boring story about how I can do well at stupid games by being quick to find "EVIL" wherever it occurs. -- K. Here, you can play along at home: K I B O I S G O D ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:43:45 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > > > > > You do realize that you are evil...? > > > > Yes, but I'm evil in a good way. In fact, I'm good at being evil. > > It's good that I'm so evil. Evil evil evil. > > Whatever -- just wanted to make sure you were aware of it. > People who don't realize they are evil are the really bad ones, > like Stalin, Mao, and H1tl34. That's right. The sooner all you people realize you're evil, the sooner we'll all start getting along. This means you, "nice" people. EVERYONE IS EVIL! THAT'S WHY THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING EVIL! > > Here, you can play > > along at home: > > I'm ignoring the 3-5 limitation. I can do entire sentences! > > > K I B > > > > O I S > > > > G O D > > Sig! > > --oTTo-- > > Dibs: Kibo Is So Big Dog > Kibo Sook Big Kids > I Bid Kibo Go Sod Book Gook Sid The machine in question would probably disallow "Sid" (proper noun) and "Kibo" (improper person) and would definitely disallow "kids" and "dibs" (I SAID NO PLURALS! LEARN TO READ BEFORE PLAYING!) You forgot "bog", "disk", "gob", "good", "ibis", "ski", "skid", "sob", and many other useful words I disdain from listing in alphabetical order. I'll just leave you with some crappy anagrams. -- K. I DIG BOOKS! GO, BIOS KID! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 15:51:34 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I think boobs are hot, DAMMIT Boobs, not women? Hmm. Does this mean your ideal date would be just a pair of falsies you could keep in your pocket? -- K. Or do you mean "boobs" as in "people who post to alt.sci.physics.new-theories"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:22:38 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Mark South (marksouth@null.invalid) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > > > he said that his dad has started wearing super tight jeans, plaid > > > flannel shirts, a cowboy hat and boots. > > > > Your student should be more worried that his dad is turning into a > > redneck. > > AH HA! You're a REDNECKOPHOBE! People like you who go around bashing > rednecks are probably CLOSET REDNECKS and you are afraid to admit that > the thing you despise in others exists in you in large quantity. > > YEEEEE HAWWWWW! There's nothing wrong with rednecks, except the way they sit around playing "Duelin' Banjos" on actual banjos while waiting for Ned Beatty and Jon Voight to come down the river in their canoe all ready for some rapin' an' mouth-rapin' an' squealin' an' hollerin' an' more squealin' 'cuz that guy from that there "Baby Geniuses 2" sure has a purty mouth for a guy who's in movies that are too inane even for mountain men. (For added effect, pretend I talk like Boomhauer from "King Of The Hill". You shouldn't have to pretend too hard, given that I talk faster than most people can listen.) Anyway, "Deliverance" is one of those movies that makes you wonder precisely what the difference is between homophobia and redneckophobia, given that anyone sufficiently uncivilized is automatically gay. Something about that movie I don't understand. Jon Voight is tied to that tree with a belt. A single belt. His hands are free. Why the hell can't he just unbuckle it? Is Jon Voight really that stupid? Oh, wait, "Baby Geniuses 2". Never mind. -- K. I'd say Ronny Cox was the smart one, given that everyone on the Enterprise hated him because he was a better captain than Picard. Riker hated him as much as he hated Wesley, so clearly Ronny Cox is exactly as smart as Wesley. However, I must be smarter than Wesley, because I'd never take a canoe trip through hillbilly country. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Question for the Master of Gayness Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:03:27 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > started wearing super tight jeans, plaid flannel shirts, a cowboy hat > > and boots. He lives in NY, close to the Canadian border. > > Has he also shaved his head and adopted a German accent? Because this > sounds an awful lot like a friend of mine's identical twin daddies. I'm not sure you can mix the shaved-head-and-little-goatee stereotype with the cowboy-hat-and-big-Tom-Selleck-mustache stereotype. The two might just cancel each other out and leave you with G. Gordon Liddy. Brrr! -- K. How to tell if that gay guy is G. Gordon Liddy: If the guy owns a leather Nazi uniform where all the swastikas have been replaced by Nixon's head, and he carries a plunger, he might be G. Gordon Liddy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Poopy hole Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:07:19 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > [www.sptimes.com] > -> > -> RIVERVIEW, Fla. - The 5-year-old twins knew something was wrong > -> when the earth swallowed the baby. The adults knew something was > -> wrong when the twins started screaming. > > Until the screaming started, the adults weren't too concerned. "Meh. > Baby swallowed up by the earth. Just another day in Florida, Paradise > of the Western World." And back they went to their pi–a coladas. > Because it wasn't their baby, anyway. "Hey, the Earth eats what it wants, because it's bigger than we are. If the Earth swallows something, to get it vomited back up, we'd need to fill the entire Moon with Ipecac before crashing it into the Earth. And that's just silly. Another pi–a colada?" > -> Two-year-old Isiaha Gatwood had stepped into the opening to a > -> septic tank, dropping into 4 feet of effluent. > > That's a nice word for it. "You big pile of effluent." "We're up > effluent creek without a paddle." "I don't give an effluent!" I've never understood that "up the creek without a paddle" expression. Wouldn't it only be bad to be _down_ the creek? Up the creek, you could just go along with the flow. > Also, "Isiaha"? Was this kid named by TJ Frazir? If this kid is Isiaha Frazir/Fraser/Ford/Cyote, that could explain why at the age of two, he, she, or it is still referred to as a baby. Do you think Isiaha will be upgraded to "toddler" before or after puberty? > -> "He was walking across the yard and he just disappeared," said > -> James Scofield, 42, who was outside clearing tree limbs for > -> Isiaha's neighbor. > -> > -> Scofield stays with Isiaha's parents, who weren't home. He and > -> the neighbor, Perry Portee, ran to the back yard of Portee's home > -> on Branwood Drive to find out why Portee's daughter was > -> screaming. > -> > -> "The baby fell in the poopy hole," 5-year-old Tori Portee told > -> them. By then, her twin sister, Taylor, was screaming, too. I call band name on "Perry Portee's Poopy Hole". Someone better start a ska band called that within 24 hours or face jail time. -- K. I am glad I live in a big city. It means that instead of a septic tank, I just have indoor plumbing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Poopy hole Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 17:45:38 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Hey, the Earth eats what it wants, because it's bigger than we are. > > If the Earth swallows something, to get it vomited back up, we'd need > > to fill the entire Moon with Ipecac before crashing it into the Earth. > > And that's just silly. Another pi–a colada?" > > Kibo, you win the prize for the best Usenet post ever to combine the > concepts "ipecac" and "pi–a colada." Your prize is a lifetime supply of > ipecacoladas. (Two should be plenty.) SPOT'S EVEN BETTER STORY ABOUT IPECACOLADAS by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Mmm," said Spot, "I love the way Jell-O shots slide down my throat automatically. And since Ipecac comes up automatically, by mixing the two I could create perpetual motion. I'd just take one drink and could enjoy it going up and down and up and down for the rest of my life. But what flavor should it be? I only have one chance to get this right!" So Spot went to the supermarket to look at the drink mixes. There was Bloody Mary mix (which looked suspiciously like tomato juice) and Tom Collins mix (which looked like green Kool-Aid) and banana daquiri smoothie mix that just required the addition of bananas and booze and a blender in order to turn the packet of sugar into a real banana daquiri smoothie. Spot settled on pi–a colada mix, because it had a tilde in it and he loved spicy food. At home, Spot mixed the packet of powder with his Ipecac and Jell-O, but then he remembered that fresh pineapple keeps Jell-O from gelling. Frantically, he checked the list of ingredients on the packet to see if the powder contained fresh pineapple, but fortunately it was all poisonous chemicals. Spot poured the Ipecacolada mixture into a dozen shot glasses and put them all in the fridge to solidify. He figured he'd drink one tonight, and save the others in case he ever got eleven friends. Then he got run over by a bus. In his living room. When the hazmat crew came in to scrub the blood off the walls and ceiling so that the house could be sold to a normal person, one of them found the little glasses in the fridge. He drank one, and then his stomach exploded, but fortunately he was wearing his plastic hazmat suit so it didn't make a mess. Or at least, it didn't until he also got run over by a bus in Spot's kitchen. "Why are there buses going through this crappy house?" asked the other hazmat guy just before one crushed him. The driver of the bus got off and helped himself to a hot beverage from Spot's percolator. "Thank you, Mr. Coffee! Much obliged!" Then he found the remaining ten Ipecacoladas and drank all of them. He enjoyed them very much. THE END. -- K. Improvisation is more fun than actually doing stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Pacheco, Stinson in drug bust Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:24:58 -0500 Don't worry, it's not our old friend David Pacheco and Toronto's beloved local weird-face Harry Stinson. [www.fresnobee.com] -> -> Man buys hundreds of papers -> -> He didn't want anyone to read about his arrest, which made the -> front page. -> -> By Patricia Jiayi Ho / Merced Sun-Star -> (Updated Thursday, February 24, 2005, 7:34 AM) -> -> Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week's edition of -> The Chowchilla News than he'll ever need. -> -> The 35-year-old Chowchilla resident went around town Wednesday -> morning, buying every copy he could in an attempt to prevent word -> from getting out about his arrest for alleged methamphetamine -> possession. And now nobody will ever know, EINSTEIN PACHECO! -> "I have a whole garage full of newspapers," Pacheco said. "Fortunately, my meth lab's in my basement." -> Pacheco estimated that he bought 500 to 600 copies of The -> Chowchilla News from the newspaper's office, gas stations, -> convenience stores and a coin-operated news rack. The story of -> his arrest was on the front page. And even more amazing, the "Garfield" strip had the same twist ending in every one! -> But 500 more copies will be printed and available today through -> The Chowchilla News office, 340 W. Robertson Blvd. Today's headline: "HAW HAW!" -> The weekly paper costs 50 cents per copy. -> -> Pacheco was arrested by the Madera Narcotic Enforcement Team on -> Feb. 17 at his home on Emerald Street in Chowchilla. -> -> He has denied the allegations, saying the meth belonged to a -> relative's friend, Denise Stinson, 48, who was in his house that -> day to fix his computer. Stinson also was arrested. The real reason she came over was that she was fascinated by the way his Murphy bed could open... close... open... close... (Tamara will understand.) -> "It's an embarrassment to my family," Pacheco said. "It's an -> embarrassment to me." You're even an embarrassment to unrelated humans, Einstein Meth-Head. Don't you wish more people would try to solve their problems using the same sort of logic Lucille Ball would? -- K. Remember the episode where Lucy accidentally got high on meth? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Jorn Barger inspires "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" question Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:34:39 -0500 This week on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" they're having college students on, so the questions have to be a lot easier than when they have grown-ups on. The $300 question frozen on my TV right now: / "Blog," Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year for 2004, \ \ is an abbreciation of what term? / < * A : Tablog > < * B : Joblog > < * C : Weblog > < * D : Fiblog > He didn't know it, so he used his "Ask The Audience And Ask AOL" lifeline. 90% of the studio audience knew that old-time Kibologist Jorn Barger announced his new "weblog" back in 1997. Only 73% of AOL users did. Morever, 14% of AOL people think "blog" is short for "tablog". What's a tablog? -- K. I still haven't verified what I've heard about me being a "Trvial Pursuit '90s Edition" question. [Jorn Barger, December 1997] -> -> My latest webpage is a daily running log of the best webpages I visit: -> -> -> -> If your interests seem to overlap mine, even partially, bookmark this -> link and check back every day or so for new discoveries. -> -> I suspect that in a year there'll be hundreds of people maintaining -> pages like this, and that this will allow good URLs to spread much more -> quickly... so I recommend that all enthusiastic surfers take a shot at -> maintaining such a "weblog" (using the Frontier scripting environment, -> if you need to, for efficiency). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jorn Barger inspires "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" question Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 21:31:59 -0500 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still haven't verified > > what I've heard about me > > being a "Trvial Pursuit > > '90s Edition" question. > > It's true, I swear. > > My brother's girlfriend pronounced you "Kee-bo" and I had to correct her > and I felt like a NUUUUUUURD. > > -Poot > and then I won the game. Then... I challenge you. In fact, I challenge everyone on a.r.k to a round of "Trivial Pursuit". Me on one team. Everyone else on the other. And it doesn't even have to be "Trivial Pursuit: The All-Kibo Edition", the generic edition's fine. It's like a baby's game. -- K. I'm smarter than any nerrrrrrrrd (the correct pronunciation.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which came first? Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 18:50:02 -0500 Otto Bahn (SpamThis@Spamburgers.com) wrote: > > The expression "There is nothing new under the sun" or > "There's first time for everything." "Hippy Sippy says, I'll try anything once." > I bet you could come up with a truly original fetish if > you used an internal organ that is not readily accessable > via natural orafices. Name one organ that hasn't already been exploited in this way. As the bumper stickers say: SEXUAL TREPANATION HAPPENS. -- K. Appendix? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which came first? Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 16:44:57 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As the bumper stickers say: SEXUAL TREPANATION HAPPENS. > > Not very damn often. I googled it and YOU were the only result. I'm not the result, I'm the instigator. And you know, people who have been enjoying having numerous holes in their head don't post to the Internet too much. Well, except in the "science" groups. Hey, I see that they've just repackaged Kraft mayonnaise in Vaseline tubs. What does this mean they're going to repackage Vaseline in? They'd better not be in the same sort of container, or lots of people will accidentally get mayonnaise in their brain. EWWW! MAYONNAISE!!! -- K. And will they change the name of Bisquick before or after someone explains to Raoul what "Bisquick" really means? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not a Spot story or sequel to "Baby Geniuses": BABY PUPPY WEDDINGS Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 21:42:29 -0500 [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] -> -> Children wed dogs to 'ward off evil' -> -> AFP Yay, l'Agence France-Presse! Everyone's favorite wire service for news about Draculaland, ball lightning, and kids marrying their own puppies! -> February 24, 2005 -> -> NEW DELHI: Two small boys and two girls were married off to four -> puppies by tribal villagers in the northern Indian state of -> Jharkhand to ward off evil. -> -> Local officials in Kuluptang village in Jharkhand said the "kukur -> vibaha" or dogs' marriages, were organised on the last day of a -> local tribal festival, the Press Trust of India news agency said. -> -> One of the tribals, 54-year-old Sonamuni, who blessed the -> marriage of her three-year-old grand-daughter Priya, said the -> wedding was no less important than other such ceremonies and all -> customs normally associated with marriage were followed. EWWW!!!! Dog/toddler consummation! I know Alpo makes its own gravy, and toddlers make their own diaper gravy, but I really don't want to think about what sort of sick dog-and- toddler consummation consomme would result from combining the two. Also, how did the puppies say "I do!"? And as far as following _all_ customs normally associated with marriage... ISN'T IT CUSTOMARY THAT THEY'RE NORMALLY BOTH GROWN-UP HUMANS? -> The mother of "groom" Durga, aged one, said that if the first -> tooth of a baby came out in the upper jaw it was considered -> "inauspicious" for the child as well as the family and dog -> marriages had to be performed. -> -> After a bath in a nearby river, the children are taken to a place -> of worship in a procession accompanied by a band. -> -> Neighbours and relatives of the four children danced to music -> performed by the band before the marriages were solemnised with -> puppies of the opposite sex, the report said. Of course, because it would be weird to marry _gay_ puppies to toddlers. Everyone knows gay puppies get married to cats! -- K. I hope I have enough karma so I won't reincarnate as a puppy in India. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Eye-gluing in the news, as always Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 23:38:12 -0500 At least one story about someone "accidentally" mistaking superglue for eye drops shows up on the news wires every month. I'm tired of it. This has to stop. [apnews.excite.com] -> -> Docs Work on Monk Who Glued Eyes Shut -> -> BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Doctors have partially restored the -> sight of an 81-year-old Buddhist monk who accidentally glued his -> eyes shut when he mistook a tube of superglue for eye drops. First, eye drops come in a big square plastic bottle. Superglue comes in microscopic little toothpaste tubes. It's really not possible to "accidentally" confuse the two. -> The doctors at Angthong Hospital, 100 kilometers (60 miles) north -> of Bangkok, used a chemical solvent, acetone, to dissolve the -> glue in the monk's right eye, a hospital spokesman said -> Wednesday. The two-hour operation was done Tuesday. Second, in most of these stories about "accidental" self-eye-gluing, the bozo squirts glue into one eye and _then_ into the other eye. Anyone who's ever used this sort of glue knows that the mere fumes from it burn your eyes like crazy, so there's no way someone with an eyeful of this stuff would go on to do their other eye "accidentally". -> "His eye is not damaged, the right eye can see clearly after the -> operation and the doctors said the left eye also is not damaged," -> a hospital spokesman said. -> -> The monk, Phra Khru Prapatworakhun, who is the abbot of a temple -> in Angthong, was to have his left eye operated on Thursday, the -> spokesman said. And then it'll be back to the monastery for more fun and games where he passes the time by practicing "mortification of the flesh" (i.e. self-bondage) by squirting various household products into various orifices. Want to bet he also keeps "accidentally" using peppermint toothpaste instead of Preparation H for his hemorrhoids, as well as "accidentally" getting billiard balls stuck in his mouth? Another take on the same story: [www.ananova.com] => => Phra Khru Prapatworakhun, a Buddhist monk, mistook the tube of => glue for eye drops. => => [...] => => "I squeezed several drops on the floor and saw a clear liquid, so => I put four drops into each eye. In about a minute, my eyes felt => cold and then sealed closed." Uh huh. "I don't know whether or not this is glue. Instead of reading the label on the bottle, which I obviously could do if I could see clear drops on the floor, I chose to squeeze the thing onto the floor to see what color it was, because all glue is fluorescent purple." Either the guy is the biggest idiot in the world, or he's making up illogical excuses. And then he explained that the zucchini got stuck up his butt when he tripped and fell on it, the same way the jelly beans got up his nose and the three gummi worms got into his bladder. Other recent cases: [www.ananova.com] -> -> Granny mistakes superglue for eyedrops -> -> A grandmother ended up in hospital when she confused her eye -> drops with superglue. -> -> Terry Horder, 78, reached for the medicated drops in her fridge -> but got the glue instead. -> -> Nurses used vegetable oil to try to remove the glue which fused -> Mrs Horder's eyelashes together and seeped under the lids. -> -> Mrs Horder, from Wurtulla, Australia, said: "There was a pool of -> glue against the eyeball itself but lucky it couldn't dry because -> of the water on the eye. -> -> "They soaked my eyes for around five minutes and then tried to -> prise the lashes apart, which wasn't pleasant. But about 10 -> minutes later I was good as new." That one is more plausibly a real accident because (a) she's elderly and therefore probably not as smart as me, and (b) she stopped after one eye. However... who the hell keeps glue _and_ eye drops in their fridge? Does this woman keep _anything_ in her medicine cabinet and/or toolbox? [www.ananova.com -- what a surprise] => => Mother treats son's ear with glue by mistake => => A Taiwan woman has poured glue into her son's ear after mistaking => the bottle for ear drops. => => [...] => => Doctor Liu Wen-chuan said the boy's mother kept the bottles of => ear drops and glue in her fridge and picked the wrong one. Where the hell are these people getting glue which looks exactly like (and is labelled exactly like) eye drops and ear drops? The only glue I've ever seen which comes in bottles that look like eye or ear drops would be the tiny little bottles of Elmer's, and that stuff won't even dry on skin (it's water-soluble.) [www.anayaddayadda.youknowwhere] -> -> Woman's lips glued together by attackers -> -> Detectives are hunting men who glued a woman's lips together -> before leaving her tied to a banister. -> -> Police in Romford, Essex are looking for four men who forced -> their way into the 26-year-old woman's house. -> -> She was discovered by a relative and the woman has been treated -> at Oldchurch Hospital and released. -> -> A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "Thankfully she has not suffered -> permanent physical injuries, however she has been left distraught -> by the ordeal." -> -> The four men are all white and three of them wore balaclavas. -> -> The spokesman added: "They just produced this glue, so we think -> that they brought it with them. -> -> "It could have been any type of strong, quick-drying glue. We -> don't know what brand it was." -> -> Nothing was taken and she was not otherwise injured. Oh, sure. They just broke in, put her in self-bondage -- excuse me, in bondage -- and then left after remembering not to do anything or take anything. And those incidents were just the items on Ananova which were recent enough to still be searchable in Google. Now here's an old message board post. [www.midnitecrowproductions.com] => => Date: 23:43:34 on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 => Name: goodgolfer => Subject: Re: "I sticking"?... => => eye sticking does not sound like a lot of fun to me, however, => there was a village policeman some years ago, not far from my => home town, that claimed he had been set upon by a gang, had his => eyes glued shut with superglue and thrown in the local canal. cue => lots of fuss and angry manhunts for the beasts that had done this => dreadful deed! unfortunately it later transpired that his => injuries and immersion had been self inflicted for some bizarre => reason known only to himself! Finally, a journal citation which maybe one of you doctor-ish people could retrieve for us. I want to know more about this bozo: -> Br J Urol. 1990 Aug;66(2):217-8. -> -> Superglue in the urethra. -> -> Turner WH. -> -> Department of Urology, Churchill Hospital, Oxford. -> -> PMID: 2390712 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE] So, to sum up: There are too many people who are stupidly gluing their eyes shut either due to terminal stupidity or due to just wanting to. As with conjoined twins, carbonated milk, and Michael Jackson, I hardly feel that every new incident merits a whole news article. -- K. To find more news reports on such matters, just keep your eyes glued to your TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eye-gluing in the news, as always Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:10:05 -0500 Nicko (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Finally, a journal citation which maybe one of you doctor-ish > > people could retrieve for us. I want to know more about this bozo: > > > > -> Br J Urol. 1990 Aug;66(2):217-8. > > -> > > -> Superglue in the urethra. > > Case Report > > A 22-year-old man presented, having instilled superglue into his > urethra. Hooray! Thanks, Nicko! It's a twisted tale of superglue installation! (Moral: When installing superglue, always hire a contractor who is licensed and bonded.) > He claimed to have thought that it was lignocaine gel, which he > used occasionally for urethral pain. He was considered a > hypospadias cripple because since the age of 2 he had undergone > numberous operations on his penis and urethra for hypospadias. These > left him with persistent pain and an unsatsifactory cosmetic and > functional result. He developed psychological problems which, coupled > with his low IQ, made him a management problem for the Departments of > Urology, Plastic Surgery and Psychiatry. He had presented previously > with lacerations to his penis, claimed to have been sustained jumping > over a barbed wire fence but suspected to have been self-inflicted. I hope the doctor was reasonably tactful and pretended to believe these explanations instead of just shouting "You can't fool me, you dickless moron!" I think the solution here is simple: Lobotomy. Lower his IQ until he's unable to ever open a tube of Krazy Glue again. That'll also solve his problems with his penis being "unsatisfactory", because according to that literary magazine's slush pile I used to read, women _love_ having sex with any men who is a drooling vegetable. Usually without even asking him. They just rip their clothes off and jump on. (And this is why I never read literary magazines. Because for every normal story that gets printed, I now have this mental image of dozens of rejected stories about raping the handicapped. Eeeeeuuuuuggghhh.) > At this presentation he underwent an examination under anaesthesia in > the Department of Plastic Surgery and a 7-cm cast of superglue was > removed from his penile urethra. It was thought that a fragment had > been pushed into his bladder and he was referred to the Department of > Urology for panendoscopy. > > Under general anaesthesia he was found to have a further 2-cm fragment > in the posterior urethra, loosely adherent to the urethral mucosa. It > was freed gently from the mucosa with a cup biopsy forceps, eased back > into the bladder and removed. He made an uneventful recovery. (But only because he wasn't in that one hospital room that has barbed wire running across it at waist level right above the mini-tramp.) However, the International Olympic Committee is now considering adding such events to the Olympics. "Snagging Your Winky On Barbed Wire", "Accidentally Filling Your Bladder With Krazy Glue", and "Lying About Why You Entered The First Two Events" will prove to be popular, though of course all athletes will have to be tested to ensure they're men and not just women with strap-ons. There will be separate events for those who wish to display their strap-on prowess. > Comment > > Superglue had been found as a foreign body in the external ear (Wright > and Bull, 1987) but not as a foreign body in the urinary tract. Okay, now I'm jealous. I have more interesting psychological problems than this guy, but not one of them has ever made medical history! > In view of its renowned bonding strength our patient was fortuntate that > both fragments were removed so easily. Every time I accidentally get it all over my fingers, it peels right off. Am I doing something wrong? -- K. Eating too much Kentucky Fried Chicken? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eye-gluing in the news, as always Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:22:30 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > First, eye drops come in a big square plastic bottle. Superglue comes > > in microscopic little toothpaste tubes. It's really not possible to > > "accidentally" confuse the two. > > When I had conjunctivitis once I had two sets of eye drops - one was in a > big square plastic bottle, the other was in a little toothpaste style tube. And did you ever confuse the big square plastic bottle with the little toothpaste-style tube? No, even though they were both eyedrops! Therefore it's impossible for you to confuse either of them with something which isn't even eyedrops, no matter how senile you are! I rest my case, you senile old fool. By the way, you shouldn't read alt.religion.kibology in bed. It'll give you pink eye. -- K. And don't put pink paint in your eye just to try to fool me into thinking you're actually reading my articles, even though it might be less painful. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So I'm a mod on the RPG.net forums now. Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:15:14 -0500 Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > And I'm in the process of trying to convert the other mods to kibology. > I'm not sure how to go about judging whether I'm doing a good job or not. I'm not sure whether I'm a mod or a rocker. I think I'm some sort of cross between the two, but I can't think of what it would be called. As to whether you are winning sufficient converts among the heathens, all I can say is I haven't received any large boxes of candy in the mail lately. -- K. It needs to be addressed more specifically than just "turn left at England." But remember, there's nothing you can mail that can't be mailed. I'M SO DEEP! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Exciting Royal Wedding News Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:29:47 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> The palace has insisted that the Queen's decision to stay away from > -> the "low-key" wedding of her eldest son to Camilla Parker-Bowles > -> was not a snub. But the Queen then seemed to add to the apparent > -> indignity of the affair with plans to serve only finger food at the > -> reception. > > Is the Queen going to personally serve this "finger food"? I suppose > that might be an indignity for Her Majesty. If she got the corgis to > serve it then it would be an indignity for the guests who would have > to eat sausage rolls and pizza slices with dog slobber on them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "Finger food" is what parrots love best. > -> After the wedding at the Guildhall in Windsor, the Queen is to host > -> a reception for 700 people within the precincts of Windsor > -> Castle. Prince Charles is said to have been overruled in his plans > -> for a lavish reception by his mother, whose staff will provide a > -> light buffet rather than a sit-down banquet of organic food. > > The Queen will provide a light buffet of non-organic finger food, such > as Helium-Filled Quiches, Balsa Wood Cucumber Sandwiches, Fingers of > Hydrogenated Artificial Lard, and Feathers Dipped In Toxic Waste. Wait, cucumber is inorganic? Hmm. Is it a silicon-based life form? I'm guessing cucumbers are more likely a metal, because of the way they taste. If you don't believe me, eat a pickle and lick a brass bannister. -- K. The Queen's parties seem to be a lot like Mary Tyler Moore's. Do you think she thinks she's Murphy Brown? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting Royal Wedding News Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 17:50:06 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you don't believe me, eat a pickle and lick a brass bannister. > > Didn't you even read Tom Sawyer? You could get VERDIGREASE that way! Nuh-uh. You only get that if you kiss a whale while it barfs. -- K. Your kink is not okay but easy to draw a "Far Side" cartoon about. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting Royal Wedding News Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 21:27:40 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > -> Earlier, the Prince lost his temper with his courtiers, telling > -> them that his wedding plans "had turned into a bloody farce". > > Which is totally wrong since, as everyone knows, it is the royal > marriage that is supposed to be the farce, not the wedding. Oh, how I wish Benny Hill were still alive so he could make a comment about the royalty with their "arts and farces". But at least it's not big deal that Prince Charles is marrying a woman who's not of royal blood. Next thing you know, he'll be free to marry someone who's not even a woman! Whoops. Oh what a giveaway! (I know that technically Camilla is some sort of member of the aristocracy, but I hear that Charles prefers queens.) -- K. The great thing about British guys is that they're all close enough to being gay that you can out anyone, any time, at your slightest whim. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don't get lost on the road to perdition Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 16:07:54 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [www.telegraph.co.uk] > -> > -> Gay men share women's talents for map reading > -> By Roger Highfield, Science Editor > -> (Filed: 25/02/2005) > -> > -> Homosexual men share the same relatively poor map reading skills as > -> heterosexual women, according to a study. That's _stupid_. Everybody knows that nobody else is as bad as women at reading maps or doing math or fixing cars or shooting guns. And women are fundamentally bad drivers, too, where you think they're signalling a turn when really they're just waving their hand out the window because all women do their nails while driving, during those rare moments when they stop with the yak-yak-yak about how it's bad for men to leave the toilet seat where it was when they used it but okay for women to do the same thing and then they crash their car because they saw a new hat on sale. Plus women don't need to bother reading maps at all because they like to stop and ask everyone for directions so that they can chatter with the yak-yak-yak while we men never need to ask for directions even when we're lost. My assumption is that butch lesbians, butch gay men, and manly straights would all be just as good at things involving maps and hammers and "guy stuff", while the sissies and girls would be less good, further, dogs, corpses, and WebTV owners would be the worst. Bisexuals would be in the middle, and asexuals have no map skills but that's okay because they never go out. -- K. And what about those sickos like Spock's father who like... eeeurgh... _humans_? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Animal Rights Activists Protest Candy Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 16:33:38 -0500 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > [www.cnn.com] > -> > -> The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy -- in shapes of > -> partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels -- fosters cruelty > -> toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the > -> Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. > > Since when did they become the "New Jersey Society for the > Prevention of Cruelty to Candy"? Don't tell them about kids biting the heads off Easter bunnies or -- horror of horrors -- Peeps. Peeps are highly offensive, because they teach kids that chickens and fake dog turds are exactly the same shape. > -> "It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm > -> animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called > -> wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew > -> Stanton. > > The message is that candy is candy and gummi candy has _always_ been on > the edge. Gummi worms, anyone? Those only promote cruelty to those rainbow-colored plastic worms the fishing-tackle section of K-Mart sells for people who don't want to hurt real worms. So if they stopped selling gummi worms, and thus stopped promoting cruelty to plastic worms, it would increase cruelty to real worms. I'm sure worms must feel pain, because otherwise why would fishermen so love impaling them on hooks? > -> The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and > -> letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, > -> Stanton said. > > I can see that they have run out of real issues if they are going to > expend that kind of effort to protect animals made from candy. What about animals made from Legos? Kids pull their heads off and put them on different animals. Playing with Legos not only promotes beheadings of animals, it promotes genetic engineering, and worst of all, it's fun! > -> [...] > -> "If you look across the Gummi category we certainly have many > -> products that are offbeat, and that's what we were doing in this > -> case," Baumann said. "We didn't mean to offend anyone." > > Gummi snots, anyone? And I thought you were going to say "gummikrankenschwester". -- K. Pop Rocks promote cruelty to minerals and their fathers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: White Supremacists In Space Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 17:24:13 -0500 "The Chastening of Lesbos" (tagutcow@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [http://groups.yahoo.com/group/USSAryanStar/] > : > : The USS Aryan Star is a ship associated with the New Federation, > : an international Star Trek/Sci-Fi fandom organization that > : allows its ships to select themes to maximize crew members' > : abilities to have fun. I plan to someday start a "Star Trek" convention designed to maximize its attendees' ability to have fun, namely by personally yelling at each of them through a megaphone, "LET 'STAR TREK' DIE ALREADY! GO READ A BOOK THAT HAS CHARACTERS THAT WEREN'T ALL USED UP BEFORE THE BOOK'S AUTHOR WAS EVEN BORN! HAVE YOU CONSIDERED GOING BOWLING?" By the way, I left in the weeeeeeird colons you used when you quoted this because I feel "Star Trek" and colons go hand in hand. > : The USS Aryan Star is a Sovereign Class ship assigned number > : NCC-71169. Wait, there weren't Nazi ships on "Star Trek"! Well, except for that one episode. And that other episode. And that two-parter where the Nazis escape from the holodeck and took over the Voyager. And the "Enterprise" episode where Scott Bakula travelled back in time to fight the purple Nazi. But if "Star Trek" is a Nazi thing, why was Spock so obviously Jewish? > : It is a time ship equipped with "bat armour", *cough*cough* Sorry, the idea of "Nazi Bat Star Trek" is too dopey to get a reaction out of me other than a coughing fit. > : phase cloaking, and "stealth" technology. All members of our > : genetically enhanced human crew have a life span of between > : 200-250 years and have enhanced strength, intelligence, health, > : virility, and looks. The males on the crew are also particularly > : well-endowed. And the people playing the females on the crew are also tiny-dicked men. You know, science has yet been unable to find a surer sign of a one-incher than "Nazi 'Star Trek' fan pretending to have 'enhanced looks' and a giant penis." > : While patrolling the Gamma Quadrant, the goals of the USS Aryan > : Star are to establish colonies and outposts throughout the > : quadrant that will better enable our crew to maximize their > : pleasure and fortunes. Allies will be sought out as friends and > : trading partners. > : > : The officers and crew members of the USS Aryan Star are the > : following individuals: > : > : Commanding Officer -- Dr. Tom Stevens (Rear Admiral) Executive > : Officer -- Jeff Grizlo (Lieutenant) Counsellor -- Jason Fausone > : (Lieutenant Junior Grade) "The Rear Admiral was busy taking in the Captain's Log when..." ARGH! I CAN'T DO IT! To paraphrase what Harrison Ford said to George Lucas, I CAN'T WRITE THIS SHIT! I gave up on this attempt at a parody of bad Nazi "Star Trek" slashfic before getting to the part about "Number One". > : Also serving on the ship are Kade Christian Bair, Dean Lance > : Bair, Kristany Bair, John Stevens, and Eleanor Stevens. THIS IS BAIR FETISH! > : The USS Aryan Star meets regularly on Long Island in Nassau and > : Suffolk Counties. ButbutbutBUT I thought it could travel through all of time and space! MOMMY, THE "STAR TREK" NAZIS ARE LYING TO ME!!! > Kibo will now make a reference to the relevant Mr. Show sketch. No, I will not quote Bob Odenkirk at your command, because I AM NOT A ROBOT! -- K. "Set phasers on 'Final Solution'..." -- from the episode "The Trouble With Goebbels" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: White Supremacists In Space Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 18:27:30 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Is there a "ship" for Trekkies who like to dress like Prohibition-era > gangsters, too? Because you can get about three thousand slightly used > pinstriped zoot suits and approximately seventeen miles of wallet > chains in the discount bins of San Francisco thrift stores. Yeah, there's no demand for that sort of clothing since the Yakuza all switched to burgundy leather trenchcoats and frilly shirts and alligator-skin boots. Now, a "Star Trek" episode where they went to a Yakuza planet, that would be a lot of fun. Especially since I think Seijun Suzuki could nail the visual style of the original "Star Trek" with those dove gray walls and comic-book-colored everything else. But it would be better if Takashi Miike did it because then there would be a scene where Mr. Sulu accidentally nicked someone with his sword and then fifteen fire hoses filled with blood spurted out from inside their neck. It would have to be Spock because they couldn't show blood on "Star Trek" but Spock's blood wasn't really blood because it was green. But still at least the special effects would be better than they were in Miike's "Full Metal Yakuza", which I think was a "Blake's 7"/Yakuza crossover. There should also be an American remake of "Battle Royale" where Shatner plays Takeshi Kitano's part, but now I'm getting off-topic and I don't think it would be wise to suggest he ruin any other Japanese stuff after what happened with "Iron Chef". Oh, and the Space Nazis can go be in a "Star Wars" crossover. Nobody would notice if you added more Nazis to the original "Star Wars". -- K. They might notice if you added black people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Secretary Of State fashion article Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 21:17:11 -0500 In case you haven't seen it mocked yet, this ambiguously-gendered "Robin Givhan" reporter chose to write a Washington Post article about how he or she is really turned on by Secretary Of State Condoleeza Rice's boots: [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> Condoleezza Rice's Commanding Clothes -> -> By Robin Givhan -> Washington Post Staff Writer -> Friday, February 25, 2005; Page C01 -> -> Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice arrived at the Wiesbaden Army -> Airfield on Wednesday dressed all in black. She was wearing a -> black skirt that hit just above the knee, and it was topped with -> a black coat that fell to mid-calf. The coat, with its seven gold -> buttons running down the front and its band collar, called to -> mind a Marine's dress uniform or the "save humanity" ensemble -> worn by Keanu Reeves in "The Matrix." It's impossible to save humanity without wearing a black leather trenchcoat. If he had been dressed any other way, the "Matrix" movies wouldn't have been perfectly logical! -> As Rice walked out to greet the troops, the coat blew open in a -> rather swashbuckling way ARR! THE WIND BE A PIRATE! -> to reveal the top of a pair of knee-high boots. The boots had a -> high, slender heel that is not particularly practical. But it is -> a popular silhouette because it tends to elongate and flatter -> the leg. In short, the boots are sexy. ...until Condoleeza Rice puts them on. -> Rice boldly eschewed the typical fare chosen by powerful American -> women on the world stage. She was not wearing a bland suit with a -> loose-fitting skirt and short boxy jacket with a pair of sensible -> pumps. She did not cloak her power in photogenic hues, a feminine -> brooch and a non-threatening aesthetic. Rice looked as though she -> was prepared to talk tough, knock heads and do a freeze-frame -> "Matrix" jump kick if necessary. Who wouldn't give her ensemble a -> double take -- all the while hoping not to rub her the wrong way? This story continued on page WINK WINK of the WINKETY-WINK-WINK section of this special frottage-fantasy edition of the Washington Post. -> Rice's coat and boots speak of sex and power -- such a volatile -> combination, and one that in political circles rarely leads to -> anything but scandal. When looking at the image of Rice in -> Wiesbaden, the mind searches for ways to put it all into context. -> It turns to fiction, to caricature. To shadowy daydreams. -> Dominatrix! It is as though sex and power can only co-exist in a -> fantasy. When a woman combines them in the real world, stubborn -> stereotypes have her power devolving into a form that is purely -> sexual. You're forgetting money. A good dominatrix combines sex, power, and high prices. -> Rice challenges expectations and assumptions. There is undeniable -> authority in her long black jacket with its severe details and -> menacing silhouette. The darkness lends an air of mystery and -> foreboding. Black is the color of intellectualism, of abstinence, -> of penitence. If there is any symbolism to be gleaned from Rice's -> stark garments, it is that she is tough and focused enough for -> whatever task is at hand. Either that or "I don't put as many hours into thinking about my wardrobe every day as this Robin Givhan person does." -> Countless essays and books have been written about the erotic -> nature of high heels. And oddly, less than half of them are about people drooling over the Secretary Of State! Especially during the Kissinger era! -> There is no need to reiterate in detail the reasons why so many -> women swear by uncomfortable three-inch heels and why so many men -> are happy that they do. Heels change the way a woman walks, -> forcing her hips to sway. Now if only she had a fake Cockney accent like Madonna we could do that old joke where I say "You sure do roll your R's!" and she says, "Oi, it's me 'igh 'eels wot do that!" then she blows up Ireland. -> They alter her posture in myriad enticing ways, all of which -> are politically incorrect to discuss. Myriad, hmm? When I put on my leather stompin' boots, they alter my posture in one way -- by making me walk like I'm wearing boots. If you see anything beyond "I AM WEARING BIG BOOTS THAT MAKE ME GO CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP REALLY LOUD WHEN I SNEAK UP ON YOU" then you're ascribing too much intelligence to my footwear. I'm wearing the boots, not the other way around. -> But the sexual frisson in Rice's look also comes from the tension -> of a woman dressed in vaguely masculine attire -- that is, the -> long, military-inspired jacket. When the designer Yves Saint -> Laurent first encouraged women to wear trousers more than 30 -> years ago, He must've gotten the idea from watching Mary Tyler Moore on "The Dick Van Dyke Show". -> his reasons were not simply because pants are comfortable or -> practical. He knew that the sight of a woman draped in the -> accouterments of a man is sexually provocative. A woman was -> embracing something forbidden. If women start wearing Utilikilts, men will have nothing left to call their own! -> Rice's appearance at Wiesbaden -- a military base with all of its -> attendant images of machismo, strength and power -- was striking -> because she walked out draped in a banner of authority, power and -> toughness. She was not hiding behind matronliness, androgyny or -> the stereotype of the steel magnolia. Rice brought her full self -> to the world stage -- and that included her sexuality. It was not -> overt or inappropriate. If it was distracting, it is only because -> it is so rare. Also in the news, we only have space for one more sentence, she blew the world up or something. --30-- For those of you who want a hot Sexretary Of State Condie Rice pin-up, go see the photo at either of these fine locations: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/postphotos/style/2005-02-25/2.htm http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_02_condie_rice.jpg Too bad the guy behind her isn't also an important geopolitical figure -- then we could all make fun of how incredibly poofy his Cloroxed hairwad is. -- K. "Pardon me, can I have some of that lemon JiffyPop your head is making?" P.S. My article had legitimate reason to use the word "Dyke". "Dick", too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Subject: Re: magnetism in hydrides of oxides at 390K Re: a report from Liverpool Univ. Re: specialness of 390 degree Kelvin; Meissner Effect Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 02:41:04 -0500 In sci.physics.electromag, sci.physics, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@iw.net) wrote: > > I have a nasty habit of never finishing the reading. So reading the [...] I'm sorry, did you say something? I have a nasty habit of never finishing the boring. > [...] > > --- end quoting and forgive spelling mistakes as I typed the above, not cut > paste --- Hmm. Who's smarter, someone who doesn't know that they can cut and paste, or someone who does know but chooses not to and then advertises the fact? > [...] > > I need to ponder. Why, what sort of duck is she? > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom where dots > of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies Then how do you explain that Dots can also be delicious, tasty gumdrops sold in movie theaters throughout North America (except for Canada and Mexico)? -- K. And yes, you will be forgiven... if you have accepted Jesus as your personal gumdrop. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Star Trek"'s cancellation draws cranky little crowd Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 06:48:53 -0500 It's like "Revenge Of The Nerds" come horribly true! Except without the point. Still, at least some couch potatoes got some exercise holding up pieces of cardboard for a little while. [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> 'Star Trek' Fans Protest Cancellation of Series -> -> Fri Feb 25, 7:14 PM ET -> -> By Ben Berkowitz -> -> LOS ANGELES (Reuters) -- "Star Trek" fans from around the world -> gathered at the gates of Paramount Studios in Hollywood on Friday -> to protest the impending cancellation of the television series -> "Star Trek: Enterprise." -> -> Carrying signs reading "It's Not Just a Show, It's a Responsibility" "It's Not Just A Sign, It's A Sign Of How Distorted My Priorities Are" -> and "18 Years of Loyalty and This Is the Thanks I Get?," "I Sat And Passively Watched Your Show For Free And Now YOU OWE ME!" -> more than 100 people massed at the gates of Paramount, -> where "Enterprise" is produced, to show support for a franchise -> that has perhaps the most loyal fan base in the world. Numbering in the triple digits! -> None wore costumes, however, in a departure from many gatherings -> of "Trekkies." What, they were all nude? Eeeeuuuugh. By the way, in the photos accompanying the article, many of the protesters are indeed dressed as their favorite "Star Trek" characters, such as Darth Vader, who is standing next to a guy in a shirt with Michael Jackson's face on it. (I mean the shirt just has a photo of his face, not any of his discarded flesh.) Another news photo shows a puffy-looking guy in a fluorescent chartreuse pullover holding a sign which says "I WANT MY EN*TER*PRISE" in big letters with three paragraphs of fine print in the corner. See, the two asterisks make it a clever sort-of-almost-pun-like reference to how, in the early 1970s, people once held up signs saying "I WANT MY M*T*V" to protest the fact that MTV hadn't been invented yet to convince Mike Nesmith to hurry up and invent it and also it should have Hawkeye and Trapper John in it. Here, see the actual photos from the non-riot scene: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=events/en/121102startrek&tmpl=sl&e=1 also mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_02_star_trek_vader.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_02_star_trek_asterisks.jpg -> [...] -> -> "Enterprise" is tied for 150th place in ratings this season, -> according to Nielsen Media Research, but McCallie argued -> "Enterprise" peaked creatively this year. Tied for 150th place? _150th_ place? Tied with what, a rerun of a test pattern? It's depressing to think that there are 150 different TV series on the air at the moment. Such a tragic waste of the human potential. -> "It's some of the best 'Star Trek' we've seen in the 18 years -> it's been on," she said. A-hem. The original show ran for three seasons in the 1960s, and the new shows ran 18 years (not counting the overlaps twice), and don't forget the sort-of-animated cartoon that ran one season in the 1970s. That totals 22 years, or to put it in Earth years, two years of top-notch television followed by twenty years of flogging a dead Tribble. "Enterprise" isn't a bad show, but come on, it's time to let Gene Roddenberry be dead for a while. Take his mummified corpse out of that glass box and bury it. Oh, and it's also time for Andy Rooney and Blue Man Group to go. And those baggy jeans the kids wear these days. -> Fans are so dedicated that TrekUnited has raised more than -> $48,000 to give to Paramount to potentially produce a fifth -> season of the show. Wow! That'll be enough of a budget to produce one episode of the show in the format of a three-second bumper airing in the middle of a commercial break during whatever crappy sitcom will be airing in "Star Trek"'s old time slot! If I were Paramount, I would cancel "Star Trek" over and over and over to keep getting money from these dweebs. Currently, the network is running a contest where one lucky viewer will win Scott Bakula's actual blue jumpsuit from the show. OH NO, HOW WILL THE FANS BE ABLE TO FORCE THE NETWORK TO MAKE NEW EPISODES IF THEY GIVE AWAY THE BLUE JUMPSUIT? -- K. I just know the fandorks are going to claim that this cancellation is somehow all Wil Wheaton's fault. And you know, I suppose it is, because if he were really Wesley Crusher, he would travel back in time and prevent "Star Trek" from being cancelled the first time in 1969 even if that meant we couldn't land on the Moon that year. So this is all Wil Wheaton's fault for not having godlike powers over space and time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Star Trek"'s cancellation draws cranky little crowd Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:21:39 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here, see the actual photos from the non-riot scene: [...] > > Even though it is not a riot, if I were head of police I would be breaking > out the tear gas, water cannon and police dogs. Why wait until a non-riot? Maybe "Star Trek" would have been more interesting if you had attacked their offices with tear gas, a water cannon, and police dogs every time they were halfway through a script. I bet that would have made it turn into something more like "Brazil". > Truncheons to the head of people who start quoting Monty Python! What about those who start quoting "Brazil"? > Or you could just poke the protestors in the chest and watch them > crumple like something that crumples easily. They'd crumple faster than Superman stuffing his crotch! (You know, he only works at the Daily Planet to get free newspapers.) -- K. "We're all in it together." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fake Kibo Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:26:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I notice a lot of fake Kibos around. eBay Kibos, Metafilter Kibos, > LiveJournal Kibos... today I saw a fake Fark Kibo. Who pretends to be > Kibo, for cryin' out loud? If you're going to pretend, go with Hitler > or at least Mussolini. What about Caligula? I am surely worthy of inspiring idiots to become Caligula! > Or the leaf from the Fruit of the Loom guys. "Hello, I'm the only one of the Fruit Of The Loom guys whom Richard Simmons has never claimed to be." > At least it would get you a better table at Nobu. Like I have to go to a _restaurant_ to get a table. I'm smart, I know I can get them at any furniture store. -- K. I even use the word "whom" in sentences, sometimes without irony. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:31:07 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Pork Roast (slow cooked all day in the crock pot, until it was incredebly > > fall-apart tender), with a nice gravy. > > Plz post gravy recipe. I've done the pork roast in the crock pot before, > but never even thought about a gravy. But you're soaking in it! > Also, anyone who mentions diapers will be deposited head first into the > obvious bag. I don't get it. Oh, you mean GRAVY DIAPERS! They're like gravy boats but without the handle and with two big holes in the bottom so that you can get gravy all over your mashed taters instantly if you don't mind it also going all over the table and the floor! -- K. I thought the Obvious Bag only covered someone's head, anyway. If not, what were all those people wearing in those Abu Ghraib photos? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 21:48:53 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I seem to have started a beef stew. > > Whereas I put together ordinary three-cheez macaroni and cheez, > with the seashell macaronis, but added a dollop of sour cream and > a sprinkle of garlic. Mmmmmyummy. Ugh. Last night I made the good version of that -- it was parve sundried tomato tortellini cooked in kardhi sauce (also spelled kadhi or karhi, it's a spicy bright yellow cream sauce with lots of turmeric, ginger and hot pepper.) It was very spicy, and contained no dairy whatsoever except for the yogurt in the kardhi sauce, which was okay because yogurt is the harmless kind of fermented and cheese is the vomitrocious kind of fermented. > Dave "cooking on a limited reimagination" DeLaney Most Americans don't even have the imagination to omit cheese from what they cook, let alone put in something else. I want to invent a ray that turns all cheese to curried bacon and broadcast it from space. -- K. Am I the only one who buys vegan pizzas and then puts bacon on them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:42:16 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Am I the only one who > > buys vegan pizzas and > > then puts bacon on them? > > "You mean bacon _isn't_ a vegetable? Uh oh!" > > A friend of mine used to order vegetarian pizzas with pepperoni, if > that counts. No, because I said "vegan", not "vegetarian". In the United States, "vegetarian" means "covered with cheese", because otherwise they'd say "vegan" which is better. "Vegan" means either "so completely cheese-free that Kibo can enjoy it" or "from that planet where Gary Mitchell put the wrong middle initial on Captain Kirk's tombstone." > He eats cheese, though. Then he's not really your friend. -- K. Pepperoni is wonderful. Domino's now has a pizza with three different flavors of pepperoni, but sadly, it's still a Domino's pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:44:41 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] I was jello-fasting in sympathy with my niece (2 yrs old), > who had surgery this am for a nasty polyp. Had nothing but > cool-aide (pink) and jello (red and orange) all day Sunday. Which one of the many flavors of pink Kool-Aid did you have? This is important because they all taste completely different, just like all the different blue Gatorades. > Oops, lied there. Had hash browns and bacon for breakfast, > before being reminded of the fasting. Luckily wee niece > wasn't over yet, or I would have been in teh worst kind of > trouble. In some states you can go to jail for having bacon without a toddler's permission. Fortunately, here in Kibonia, people only need _my_ permission to have bacon any time they want. I heartily endorse your right to have as much bacon as you want, providing you give me 50% or more of it. > Surgery went well, niece recovered from anesthesia quickly, > spent much of the day sucking up all the attention and pity > she could coax out of us adults. She wanted a band-aid for > her butt, said it was "Ouchie", but settled for one on her > diaper. A clever solution to the problem of Band-Aids being painful to remove. But of course, this now means that you can't change her diaper until she's through enjoying that Band-Aid. The kid will likely to suffer a terrible internal struggle between "I want to keep this lovely Band-Aid" and "My diaper is poopy", for the next 72 hours. This is why I don't have kids. -- K. I'm sure there are other reasons too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 22:42:31 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is why I don't have kids. > > No it isn't. It is too, and to prove it I'm going to have kids just to spite you. Where's the nearest orphanage? I need to go tell them I want to borrow all their kids for a year just to spite someone. It's okay, I'll sign the paper saying that I won't get my deposit back unless I return at least 51% of each kid. -- K. Also, I promise to take all the kids bowling, just to see the looks on their faces, especially when I win every game. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can we collect sixty cents plus shipping for a present for Lots42? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 21:42:48 -0500 [on being offered a free "I'm So Homophobic I Can't Even Touch Myself" bumper sticker in a goofy font, retail value $0.60] Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Ok, that was mean. > > But it was the GOOD kind of mean. > > Kibo-mean. I'm still trying to figure out how that was mean. Calling someone very homophobic and very gay at the same time should cancel each other out. It's no more insulting than calling someone perfectly normal. Wait a minute, I'd be insulted if someone called me normal. Lots, are you normal? Think verrrrrry carefully before answering. (Answer as if your reputation depended upon it.) And I am not mean, I am merely the hand of justice taking swift action against all, because I am so fair that I have to go after everyone instead of just discriminating against those people who deserve it. Also, please be aware that it was Barbara, not me, who made the initial offer of spending sixty cents on Lots42. I would never be sixty cents worth of mean. I found the same bumper sticker (with the same goofy font) in blue instead of red at a different site for $2.99. Of course, we'd still need to get four more (orange, yellow, green, and purple) to make a whole pride flag for Lots42, or just two more (black and white) to make a pride flag for me. From a quick perusal of StickerGiant.com, here are some other ambiguous slogans now available bumper stickers or pinbacks: "Thank The Government For AIDS" "Just Because I'm Gay Doesn't Mean I Wouldn't Let A Woman Blow Me" "Make Out With My Butt 5c" "Nuke A Gay Whale For Christ" "Don't Come Out Of The Closet Unless You Have Something Fabulous To Wear" "Vaginatarian" "Do You Fantasize About The UPS Man?" "Sorry Boys, I'm Gay" I think the last one's for lesbians, but it might work for Lots42 if he's hideous-looking. Obviously it wouldn't work on me, because I'm unusually handsome even compared to other mean guys. I'm a nice guy, too, I did all this research into stickers for Lots42 for free! -- K. "Blondes Have More Fun But Brunettes Remember It" ...and those of us with orange hair cause it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not the Family Edition! Maybe not even an authorized edition! Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:09:16 -0500 Hey! Hey hey hey! Remember I had observed that the incredibly bad movie "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" only appeared to be available on DVD in a "Family Edition" -- meaning that it wasn't widescreen and had some of the diaper gravy jokes censored? The "Family Edition" is the only one I've seen in stores, the only one available from Amazon.com, and the only one mentioned on IMDB.com or RottenTomatoes.com. Well, I purchased a used copy on the cheap, and lo and behold, somehow I got a copy that's not the "Family Edition". I don't know what the deal is, but mine's a Region 1 disc that claims to be widescreen. The one that's in stores has a black stripe across the top marked "Family Edition", but this one has a white stripe that says "DTS Digital Surround Sound", plus a weird logo with a big gold "9" surrounded by the phrases "Collector's Series", "DTS", and "Region Quality". Guh? Have I somehow got a DVD from Region 9 which would be somewhere between Mars and Krypton? The box does say it's an NTSC Region 1 disc, but this cryptic broken-English logo on the front makes me wonder if someone is going to the trouble of bootlegging one of the least-wanted movies in human history, especially given that I can't even find any references to this DVD's spine catalog number ("DTS-9462") on the Web. Also, instead of the usual English, French, and Spanish subtitles, my disc supports English, Chinese, Malay, and Thai subtitles. That's a real sign something weird is going on. But if this were a legit Asian release from this studio, it wouldn't be Region 1. (My disc might be Region 1 or, more likely, have no region code, I can't tell, all I know is that my DVD player plays it in all its disgusting glory.) It's not actually widescreen -- the box's lie about being widescreen is the surest sign that this isn't a legit release from any region. The front box art -- other than all the references to it being a DTS disc -- is just a copy of the movie's poster, another frequent feature of bootleg discs. I think the mangled "9"/"DTS" logo on the front is trying to be a "DVD-9" (dual-layer) logo. The mashup of the "DTS" logo in it is unsurprising because Asian bootlegs often seem to emphasize that they have DTS, I guess it's popular over there. And now, here's today's trivia question. What quote from a critic appears in big letters on the back of this shady version of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"? a) "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" b) "SuperBabies is the worst movie of the year" c) "SuperBabies sucks" d) "SuperBabies is... wacky" I'll give you a hint: This movie is so bad that no human has ever said it has any redeeming qualities. No, I'm not kidding. The back of the box says "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" in yellow Gill Sans Ultra Bold (a font 837% wackier than this movie could ever hope to be.) The quote is attributed to Pete Croatto of FilmCritic.com, and it probably is the most positive quote they could find -- RottenTomatoes.com lists 35 critics' reviews, all extremely negative. I should write him a letter. Maybe he's the one who put out this secret edition of "Superbabies" with the helpful warning on the back to keep people from watching it. Or maybe the bootleggers can't read enough English to know that "has no redeeming qualities" isn't the same as "super wacky terrific spectacle". If this is a bootleg, it's not only the first time I've ever discovered I accidentally bought a bootleg, it's also the first time I've ever been glad to buy a bootleg, because it means you should FEAR ME! I HAVE A WEIRD MALAYSIAN-SUBTITLED BOOTLEG THAT FELL FROM THE SKY OF "SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2" AND YOU'D BETTER BE NICE TO ME OR I MAY TELL YOU EVEN MORE ABOUT IT! -- K. Maybe there will be a new bootleg that will say: "BE NICE TO ME OR I MAY TELL YOU EVEN MORE ABOUT IT!" -- Kibo ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not the Family Edition! Maybe not even an authorized edition! Date: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 00:49:59 -0500 Yesterday, I wrote: > > What quote from a critic appears in big letters on the back of this > shady version of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"? > > a) "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" > > b) "SuperBabies is the worst movie of the year" > > c) "SuperBabies sucks" > > d) "SuperBabies is... wacky" In case you haven't yet figured it out from the subtle hints I gave, I took a photo to provide you with the answer: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_superbabies_quote.jpg For those of you who are curious as to how awesome this special HIGHLY ILLEGAL BOOTLEG of AN INCREDIBLY BAD MOVIE looks, here's the front: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_superbabies_front.jpg Behold the cool prismatic iridescence not unlike the wing of a delicate dragonfly! The DVD's box has a nifty coating that makes it look like it was dipped in an oil slick, when really it's just a box containing a movie full of diaper gravy. -- K. My photos are... wacky. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Great Moment in Journalism Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:26:02 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > "In an interview with CNN's Paula Zahn on Monday, Relford said that > after the arrest, he returned to the home where his mother was killed > for the first time." > > Amazingly, just minutes before I saw your article, I wrote down the following quote from NECN (New England Cable News): "An electrical shock from a Boston sidewalk has again killed a young dog!" However, unlike you, I shan't be dignifying it by appending an emoticon filled with letters between the angle brackets. Those are for people who can't even find the smiley key. -- K. I am now the first person to have used "shan't" on the Internet. "It's just like spanking your child's tongue." -- Channel 56 newscast ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Al Pacino Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:35:20 -0500 [...in regards to something, I forget what, since Lots no longer has the power to quote] Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > No, if it was Kibo-mean there would be a lot more talk about how I > enjoy sex with men. Which I don't. Nobody ever said you enjoy sex with men. It's okay for you to be gay but not enjoy sex. That's what gay guys can get married now, once they decide they don't like sex. When did you get married without telling us? Given that you keep changing the subject to your alleged gayness, I'd think you'd be proud to tell us about the special man in your life. So who's the unlucky husband? -- K. And how do the two of you decide who the dishwasher is? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dung, nature's medicated Play-Doh Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 04:09:53 -0500 In 2002, I commented on this news story: -> A Hindu nationalist organisation is urging people in India to smear -> themselves in cow dung in the event of nuclear war. -> -> [...] -> -> Radheshyam Gupta, a spokesman for the commission, said: "Even if the enemy -> carries out the threat to bomb us with nukes we don't have to panic. You -> can fully protect yourselves by covering the roof with cow dung. -> -> "Applying cow dung paste to the body from head to toe will serve as an -> extra shield." Well, guess what? The Cow Poo Party is back in the news! [www.reuters.com] => => NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Alongside life-size posters of Hindu => nationalist leaders, Indian political activists can now buy => lotions, potions and pills to cure anything from cancer to => hysteria to piles -- all made from cow urine or dung. To cure nausea, which should you do, eat poop or drink pee? => A new goratna (cow products) stall at the Bharatiya Janata => Party's (BJP) souvenir shop is rapidly outselling dry political => tracts, badges, flags and saffron-and-green plastic wall clocks => with the face of former prime minister Atal Behari Vajpayee. => => "You won't believe how quickly some of the products sold out," => says Manoj Kumar, who runs the souvenir shop along with his => brother, Sanjeev, at the BJP headquarters in a plush central => New Delhi neighborhood. "The constipation medicine is a hot => seller." "It's ironic that it cures constipation given that it's made from constipation!" => But the biggest seller is a "multi-utility pill" that claims to => cure anything from diabetes to piles to "ladies' diseases." I would imaginine they don't give out free samples because then everyone would yell "Wow! It cured my stupidity!" and leave without buying anything. => "It's a miraculous cure" the container declares. A month's => supply costs a little over $1. => => Another cure-all is Sanjivani Ark, a liquid medicine that => battles cancer, hysteria, and irregular periods, among other => things. => => In addition to medicines, the goratna products range from cow => dung toothpaste, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Ladies and gentlemen, I am now auctioning my artistic masterpiece, titled "World's Widest All-Squealin' Exclamation Point In Response To Cow Dung Gleem". Bidding starts at $1,000. => to detergents, "Ladies! Wash your clothes in new Tide With Turd!" => a skin-whitening cream, I think the whole country of India was started as a joke just to see if they could trick Michael Jackson into covering himself with shit. => baldness and obesity cures, soap and a cow urine "antiseptic => aftershave." What about a squeezable hamburger topping? => Siddarth Singh, a spokesman for the Hindu nationalist BJP, => which has long campaigned on the sanctity of the cow, said the => stall aimed to promote village industry, one of the biggest => employers in India. => => "If you go back in the history of India, this belongs to our => culture. There's no commercial value to us. Village industry in => this country needs to be promoted." => => The use of cow products in India is centuries old. The five key => products -- butter, milk, curd, urine and dung -- are => collectively known as panchgavya and are an important part of => ayurvedic medicine. White Castles are better than Ayurvedic medicine any day. And they have none of that mediciney taste. And by "mediciney taste" I mean that White Castles don't taste like shit. => [...] => => Singh already uses the detergent and is thinking of => experimenting further. => => "I'm tempted to try something for the hair -- let's hope," he => grins, running his fingers through his thinning crop. I hope he winds up with a giant flop on his hands. And all over his head. -- K. I gotta stop going to Indian restaurants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Calling all 733t ARKian embroiderers Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 18:48:30 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Meat Terri and I have been working out the details for my way cool tie- > > dye tux for my upcoming re-wedding and we have need of the skills of > > someone who has a knack for embroidery. I would like to feature a large > > embroidered beehive on the back of the jacket. If you feel up to the > > challenge, or know someone who is, please to speak up. Why not do it yourself? Embroidery's not hard. It just involves buying some of that really thick thread and then spending a lot of time stitching the fabric to nothing. Surely if you can handle being married you can deal with doing some embroidery. > > Also, the ceremony is shaping up nicely. The details, as they are > > planned so far: > > > > Date: Summer of 2007 > > Place: Somewhere in Boston, MA > > Officiating: Kibo > > > > We wanted to hold it in Boston, so it would be close to as many > > kibologists as possible, BAD LOGIC. Aren't most of them in Canada, Europe, or mental institutions? > > and we would like to hold a big-time ARKple in conjunction. > > > > If you know of anywhere (preferably highly kibological) that we can hold > > it, please to speak up! I would have no problem with you using the Software Tool & Die Conference Room And Echo Chamber, particularly because I don't work there any more. Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > I wonder if you could get married in the room at the Boston Science > Museum that has the giant Van der Graaf generator? Maybe the cranky > science guy who ran it at the last ARKPLE could officiate. Great idea! While he's doing that, I'll go down the hall and guard the Dippin' Dots machine to keep anyone from buying any. -- K. Why not cut to the chase and just hold the wedding in a mental institution? I suggest the place where they filmed "Titicut Follies", 'cause I want to go to that Thai restaurant near there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Headline of the week: "Get this off my penis!" Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 19:36:17 -0500 With a headline like that, you know it's either going to be good, or another damn story about Krazy Glue. From a paper in Mumbai, India: [ww1.mid-day.com] -> -> Get this off my penis! -> -> By: Vinod Kumar Menon -> March 2, 2005 -> -> Raju Shetty's (28) attempt to adopt an inventive method to -> enhance sexual pleasure landed him on the surgeon's table -> yesterday. -> -> Inspired by the fad of body piercing, the Pantnagar (Ghatkopar) -> resident substituted a ring with a metal nut and pushed it -> around his penis. Problem was, the metal stayed stubbornly -> stuck to his organ for over two hours. Did he try hot soapy water? -> After failing to remove the foreign body, an embarrassed Shetty -> decided to seek medical help and checked into the casualty ward -> of Rajawadi Hospital in the evening. Did he try Wesson oil? -> "I have never come across such a case in the last 12 years of -> my experience," said Dr Bharati Karat, the on duty chief -> medical officer. Did he try a cold shower? -> Karat said that Shetty was initially reluctant to reveal his -> ailment but later spoke of his situation to a male intern who -> examined him and came away shocked at his find. -> -> "We decided to cut the nut, but the metal was too thick. The -> case was later referred to the surgeons," said on duty -> assistant medical officer Dr Gopal Mahajan. Did he try unscrewing it? -> The surgeon said, "The nut was so tight that it caused a severe -> swelling on the organ due to which the blood supply to that -> part of the anatomy was stopped. It took us almost two hours to -> get the nut out. Had the patient delayed admission by few -> hours, we would have had to amputate the organ, as the affected -> area may have developed gangrene." -> -> Shetty told the doctors that he desired to prolong sexual -> pleasure and hence inserted the nut. Did he try thinking about baseball scores? -> "This is a case of sexual perversion," said Dr Mahajan. Another -> doctor said that while body piercing in delicate areas of the -> human anatomy had become a fad, the consequences could be -> alarming. -> -> The matter was later handed over to the Pantnagar police, who -> visited the hospital to record Shetty's statement. -> -> "We wanted to know if someone else had inserted the metal or he -> had committed the act himself. We will register the matter in -> our station dairy," said the on duty police constable. I know cows are sacred there, but this is ridiculous. The story is accompanied by two photos. The first caption: -> The nut which surgeons removed from Raju Shetty's organ. ...it's a photo of a nut sitting on a piece of surgical gauze. There is no scale to the picture, but judging by the nap of the gauze it's a pretty small nut, like maybe 1/2" to 3/4" inside diameter. That makes him stupid. The second caption: -> Shetty gives his statement to police at Rajawadi Hospital yesterday. -> The picture was taken secretly from a distance, hence the poor quality That photo is missing in action, hence I don't know what this guy looks like or what extraordinary measures the newspaper that can't spell "diary" took to send undercover spies to stake out the area across the street from the hospital all day hoping to catch a surveillance photo of a guy who got his winky stuck in something. This same paper brings us other wonderful stories, such as this one: => Mumbai's former demolition man, ex-deputy municipal => commissioner G R Khairnar (63), has succumbed to 'yogamania'. => => An obsession with yoga (averaging nearly 12 hours a day) has => landed him at the KEM Hospital's intensive care unit. He was => admitted on Saturday. => => The first danger signs came a fortnight ago when Khairnar felt => discomfort in his nose. => => "I went to an ear nose and throat specialist and had a minor => operation. The 'curtain' and cartilage in my nose had been => affected because of jal neti and rubber neti. I had developed a => monstrous obsession with yoga," he confessed. I don't know what a "rubber neti" is, or why doing yoga could make his nose hurt, unless "neti" means "tight bondage hood" and "yoga" means "tantric sex with no steel nuts involved." => [...] => => After that, there was no stopping. Recounted Ashalata, "He => practised jal neti (taking in water from one nostril and => passing from the other), rubber neti (inserting a rubber tube => through the nose and removing from the mouth) and pet neti => (consuming water in abundance and flushing it out) for several => hours a day. I stand corrected. It's much less weird than what I suggested. And here's yet another article from the same paper! All three of these were front-page news in Mumbai on the same day: -> Police constable Sada Patil (name changed) was assaulted on the -> penis by two men on February 20. Patil (34) a police Naik at -> Boisar had to undergo an operation as the organ was badly -> bruised, which led to erectile dysfunction. -> -> The assailants have been charged under Section 333 (causing -> grievous hurt to deter public servant from his duty) & 353 -> (assault on a public servant) of the Indian Penal Code, WINK!!! WINK!!!!!!! WIIIINNNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> but are out on bail. -> -> Patil was attacked by two men Vikas Sairam Parikh (34) and his -> brother Alok Sairam Parikh (35) near Chitralaya cinema, Boisar. -> Patil was on night duty and was patrolling the area that had a -> lot of jewellery stores. -> -> At 12.30 am he saw Vikas and Alok hanging around suspiciously -> near Chitralaya cinema. -> -> So, he asked them, 'Raat ke 12.30 baje tum log yahaan kya kar -> rahe ho?" Um... wink? -> When one of them said that he was a reporter, Patil asked for -> his I-card. I have absolutely no clue what's going on here. India is one of those countries where I can't understand most of the news stories even though they're all about genital injuries. -> "Angry and irritated, the men beat Patil and hit him between -> his legs with their knees and fled from the spot," says -> Bhushan Patil, his brother. -> -> Wracked with pain, Patil called the Boisar police from his -> mobile phone. The police reached the spot and arrested the -> Parikh brothers immediately as they hadn't gone far. -> -> Patil was operated upon yesterday. "The organ was bloodied and -> bruised. The bleeding has stopped now and he can resume work -> after a month," said Dr Pradeep Bhave, urologist at Pooja -> Hospital, Thane (West). Why, does his job involve using his penis? Don't tell me, he works at an Indian Dunkin' Donuts? -- K. "That's not ghee!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Politically-correct toys -- the kind without all the fun Date: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 00:21:06 -0500 I wish I lived in New York so I could go to these toy-industry trade shows and mock all this crap in person. Well, at least I've been to the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices, which isn't all that different. [www.nypress.com] -> -> J.R. Taylor -> News & Columns Hey, something's wrong. I'm reading a New York Press column that's not by Jim Knipfel. -> What the world needs now is Problem-Solving Hand Puppets. At -> least, that's what we're told at the Jacob Javits Center during -> the American International Toy Fair. The display for these -> inclusive hand puppets assures us that kids can use them to -> come to grips with anger, shame and fear. When I was a kid, the -> only thing that would've inspired anger, shame and fear would -> be getting caught with a Problem-Solving Hand Puppet. ...especially when solving a male puberty-related problem with the furry puppetglove. "That Kermit sure has a purty mouth!" -> Those puppets are probably the first step in a slippery slope -> that leads to giant puppets protesting budget cuts that keep -> public schools from purchasing, say, hand puppets. Oh, well. -> Displays like this are what make the Toy Fair fun. All the -> major players are here, but there are plenty of entrepreneurs -> looking for that one big purchase order from a national chain. -> -> Or maybe they're hoping for some government official desperate -> to meet tolerance standards. That's the only rationale for the -> re-educational fun of the "Our Family" board game. The board is -> really a pink triangle, and you climb it by knowing gay trivia -> and avoiding intolerant acts. I'm avoiding playing the whole stupid game! I WIN! -> It's tricky, though. A teenage boy can lose five points just by -> being turned off after discovering that a pretty girl he's -> romancing actually has a hairy chest. And that's the sort of prejudice that can't be overcome by talking to a Problem-Solving Hand Puppet, only by cuddling an Alternative Lifestyle Bear. -> There's also cheap laffs in the convention's inherent -> junkiness. Consider the Pro-Glo extension cords that come in -> wild neon colors. Dude, these outlets are extreme! There's also -> the plastic sleeve that constitutes the TV Guide Jacket. We can -> now redefine white trash as anyone who has to put slipcovers -> over their reading materials. Hey, it helps to be able to wipe them off after they fall in the toilet. -> The Toy Fair does much to sum up our decline and fall. There's -> a constant proliferation of board games such as "Would You -> Rather...?" and "If You Had to Choose...?" and other board games -> for social cripples incapable of honest conversation. So if you had to choose, would you rather play "Would You Rather...?" or "If You Had to Choose...?" I'd play "Would You Kill Dan Rather...?" but only because I love yelling "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" -> And there'll always be plenty of new Simpsons, Family Guy and -> Nightmare Before Christmas crap to keep hipsters from giving -> any real consideration to birthday and holiday presents. -> -> To be fair, there's a lot to enjoy. Fear Factor candy is an -> overdue idea. It's also known as "Japanese candy". -> Pizza Box Football also looks ingenious. "The most challenging -> Dot-to-Dots ever created" seem like fun. I don't understand how you could make a connect-the-dots book challenging, unless there are some stupid boring rules about how you have to only connect the dots whose numbers are undiscovered Mersenne primes. And where's the fun in that? "...and 2^25964951-1 is also prime... yay, it made a kitty!" (Completing the book entitles you to your choice of Nobel Prize For Mathematics or the Nobel Prize For Making A Kitty.) -> And if you check out the Japanese distributors over in their own -> section, you'll find some nice realistic toy guns. -> -> It's enough to get someone excited over Christmas. This coming -> summer looks a lot more dire. The Fantastic Four and Batman -> Begins merchandising is plainly uninspired. I already own Hulk -> Hands, so who needs Thing Hands and Feet? And you don't even -> want to think about how bad Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -> is going to be. Trust me. I've seen the board game. And on this tour of the fudge factory, do you lose points for refusing to date an Oompa-Loompa with a hairy chest? -- K. Wake me when the anti-homophobia board game becomes a TV game show with me as the host. (There would be three contestants -- the most tolerant one would win, and the two losers would have to kiss.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I've been bOINGed again Date: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 05:09:17 -0500 Just so's you know, my photo of the "Baby Geniuses 2" bootleg DVD that says "has no redeeming qualities" in big yellow letters has bounced through a few blogs and turned up on bOINGbOING.net today. http://www.boingboing.net/2005/03/03/malaysian_dvd_bootle.html and they got it from http://www.chrisnull.com/2005/03/james-kibo-parry-sends-these-fine.html who got it from me! This means that I have now gotten my money's worth ($6.88) out of that crappy movie because I can sit here happily knowing that thousands upon thousands of random Web surfers are at this very moment stumbling across that photo without realizing that their brain cells are being destroyed from looking at something connected in any way to "Baby Geniuses 2". Hey everyone, look, "Baby Geniuses 2" exists! And now part of your brain is permanently devoted to knowing that, sucker! And the best part is, I haven't even considered trying to watch the stupid movie yet. I have no need to harm myself in that way while there's still work to be done tricking innocent bystanders into looking at the box it came in. Why, just think of the fun I could have with a _good_ movie. Anyone want to come over and watch "Dr. Strangelove"? I have that secret new 3-disc edition that ends with the hour-long cream pie fight. William Shatner dies in it. -- K. I have a negative number of redeeming qualities.