From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eye-gluing in the news, as always Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:10:05 -0500 Nicko (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Finally, a journal citation which maybe one of you doctor-ish > > people could retrieve for us. I want to know more about this bozo: > > > > -> Br J Urol. 1990 Aug;66(2):217-8. > > -> > > -> Superglue in the urethra. > > Case Report > > A 22-year-old man presented, having instilled superglue into his > urethra. Hooray! Thanks, Nicko! It's a twisted tale of superglue installation! (Moral: When installing superglue, always hire a contractor who is licensed and bonded.) > He claimed to have thought that it was lignocaine gel, which he > used occasionally for urethral pain. He was considered a > hypospadias cripple because since the age of 2 he had undergone > numberous operations on his penis and urethra for hypospadias. These > left him with persistent pain and an unsatsifactory cosmetic and > functional result. He developed psychological problems which, coupled > with his low IQ, made him a management problem for the Departments of > Urology, Plastic Surgery and Psychiatry. He had presented previously > with lacerations to his penis, claimed to have been sustained jumping > over a barbed wire fence but suspected to have been self-inflicted. I hope the doctor was reasonably tactful and pretended to believe these explanations instead of just shouting "You can't fool me, you dickless moron!" I think the solution here is simple: Lobotomy. Lower his IQ until he's unable to ever open a tube of Krazy Glue again. That'll also solve his problems with his penis being "unsatisfactory", because according to that literary magazine's slush pile I used to read, women _love_ having sex with any men who is a drooling vegetable. Usually without even asking him. They just rip their clothes off and jump on. (And this is why I never read literary magazines. Because for every normal story that gets printed, I now have this mental image of dozens of rejected stories about raping the handicapped. Eeeeeuuuuuggghhh.) > At this presentation he underwent an examination under anaesthesia in > the Department of Plastic Surgery and a 7-cm cast of superglue was > removed from his penile urethra. It was thought that a fragment had > been pushed into his bladder and he was referred to the Department of > Urology for panendoscopy. > > Under general anaesthesia he was found to have a further 2-cm fragment > in the posterior urethra, loosely adherent to the urethral mucosa. It > was freed gently from the mucosa with a cup biopsy forceps, eased back > into the bladder and removed. He made an uneventful recovery. (But only because he wasn't in that one hospital room that has barbed wire running across it at waist level right above the mini-tramp.) However, the International Olympic Committee is now considering adding such events to the Olympics. "Snagging Your Winky On Barbed Wire", "Accidentally Filling Your Bladder With Krazy Glue", and "Lying About Why You Entered The First Two Events" will prove to be popular, though of course all athletes will have to be tested to ensure they're men and not just women with strap-ons. There will be separate events for those who wish to display their strap-on prowess. > Comment > > Superglue had been found as a foreign body in the external ear (Wright > and Bull, 1987) but not as a foreign body in the urinary tract. Okay, now I'm jealous. I have more interesting pyschological problems than this guy, but not one of them has ever made medical history! > In view of its renowned bonding strength our patient was fortuntate that > both fragments were removed so easily. Every time I accidentally get it all over my fingers, it peels right off. Am I doing something wrong? -- K. Eating too much Kentucky Fried Chicken? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: "Star Trek"'s cancellation draws cranky little crowd Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:21:39 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here, see the actual photos from the non-riot scene: [...] > > Even though it is not a riot, if I were head of police I would be breaking > out the tear gas, water cannon and police dogs. Why wait until a non-riot? Maybe "Star Trek" would have been more interesting if you had attacked their offices with tear gas, a water cannon, and police dogs every time they were halfway through a script. I bet that would have made it turn into something more like "Brazil". > Truncheons to the head of people who start quoting Monty Python! What about those who start quoting "Brazil"? > Or you could just poke the protestors in the chest and watch them > crumple like something that crumples easily. They'd crumple faster than Superman stuffing his crotch! (You know, he only works at the Daily Planet to get free newspapers.) -- K. "We're all in it together." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fake Kibo Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:26:14 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I notice a lot of fake Kibos around. eBay Kibos, Metafilter Kibos, > LiveJournal Kibos... today I saw a fake Fark Kibo. Who pretends to be > Kibo, for cryin' out loud? If you're going to pretend, go with Hitler > or at least Mussolini. What about Caligula? I am surely worthy of inspiring idiots to become Caligula! > Or the leaf from the Fruit of the Loom guys. "Hello, I'm the only one of the Fruit Of The Loom guys whom Richard Simmons has never claimed to be." > At least it would get you a better table at Nobu. Like I have to go to a _restaurant_ to get a table. I'm smart, I know I can get them at any furniture store. -- K. I even use the word "whom" in sentences, sometimes without irony. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:31:07 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Pork Roast (slow cooked all day in the crock pot, until it was incredebly > > fall-apart tender), with a nice gravy. > > Plz post gravy recipe. I've done the pork roast in the crock pot before, > but never even thought about a gravy. But you're soaking in it! > Also, anyone who mentions diapers will be deposited head first into the > obvious bag. I don't get it. Oh, you mean GRAVY DIAPERS! They're like gravy boats but without the handle and with two big holes in the bottom so that you can get gravy all over your mashed taters instantly if you don't mind it also going all over the table and the floor! -- K. I thought the Obvious Bag only covered someone's head, anyway. If not, what were all those people wearing in those Abu Ghraib photos? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 21:48:53 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > I seem to have started a beef stew. > > Whereas I put together ordinary three-cheez macaroni and cheez, > with the seashell macaronis, but added a dollop of sour cream and > a sprinkle of garlic. Mmmmmyummy. Ugh. Last night I made the good version of that -- it was parve sundried tomato tortellini cooked in kardhi sauce (also spelled kadhi or karhi, it's a spicy bright yellow cream sauce with lots of turmeric, ginger and hot pepper.) It was very spicy, and contained no dairy whatsoever except for the yogurt in the kardhi sauce, which was okay because yogurt is the harmless kind of fermented and cheese is the vomitrocious kind of fermented. > Dave "cooking on a limited reimagination" DeLaney Most Americans don't even have the imagination to omit cheese from what they cook, let alone put in something else. I want to invent a ray that turns all cheese to curried bacon and broadcast it from space. -- K. Am I the only one who buys vegan pizzas and then puts bacon on them? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:42:16 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Am I the only one who > > buys vegan pizzas and > > then puts bacon on them? > > "You mean bacon _isn't_ a vegetable? Uh oh!" > > A friend of mine used to order vegetarian pizzas with pepperoni, if > that counts. No, because I said "vegan", not "vegetarian". In the United States, "vegetarian" means "covered with cheese", because otherwise they'd say "vegan" which is better. "Vegan" means either "so completely cheese-free that Kibo can enjoy it" or "from that planet where Gary Mitchell put the wrong middle initial on Captain Kirk's tombstone." > He eats cheese, though. Then he's not really your friend. -- K. Pepperoni is wonderful. Domino's now has a pizza with three different flavors of pepperoni, but sadly, it's still a Domino's pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 20:44:41 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] I was jello-fasting in sympathy with my niece (2 yrs old), > who had surgery this am for a nasty polyp. Had nothing but > cool-aide (pink) and jello (red and orange) all day Sunday. Which one of the many flavors of pink Kool-Aid did you have? This is important because they all taste completely different, just like all the different blue Gatorades. > Oops, lied there. Had hash browns and bacon for breakfast, > before being reminded of the fasting. Luckily wee niece > wasn't over yet, or I would have been in teh worst kind of > trouble. In some states you can go to jail for having bacon without a toddler's permission. Fortunately, here in Kibonia, people only need _my_ permission to have bacon any time they want. I heartily endorse your right to have as much bacon as you want, providing you give me 50% or more of it. > Surgery went well, niece recovered from anesthesia quickly, > spent much of the day sucking up all the attention and pity > she could coax out of us adults. She wanted a band-aid for > her butt, said it was "Ouchie", but settled for one on her > diaper. A clever solution to the problem of Band-Aids being painful to remove. But of course, this now means that you can't change her diaper until she's through enjoying that Band-Aid. The kid will likely to suffer a terrible internal struggle between "I want to keep this lovely Band-Aid" and "My diaper is poopy", for the next 72 hours. This is why I don't have kids. -- K. I'm sure there are other reasons too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's everybody cooking tonight? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 22:42:31 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is why I don't have kids. > > No it isn't. It is too, and to prove it I'm going to have kids just to spite you. Where's the nearest orphanage? I need to go tell them I want to borrow all their kids for a year just to spite someone. It's okay, I'll sign the paper saying that I won't get my deposit back unless I return at least 51% of each kid. -- K. Also, I promise to take all the kids bowling, just to see the looks on their faces, especially when I win every game. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can we collect sixty cents plus shipping for a present for Lots42? Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 21:42:48 -0500 [on being offered a free "I'm So Homophobic I Can't Even Touch Myself" bumper sticker in a goofy font, retail value $0.60] Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Ok, that was mean. > > But it was the GOOD kind of mean. > > Kibo-mean. I'm still trying to figure out how that was mean. Calling someone very homophobic and very gay at the same time should cancel each other out. It's no more insulting than calling someone perfectly normal. Wait a minute, I'd be insulted if someone called me normal. Lots, are you normal? Think verrrrrry carefully before answering. (Answer as if your reputation depended upon it.) And I am not mean, I am merely the hand of justice taking swift action against all, because I am so fair that I have to go after everyone instead of just discriminating against those people who deserve it. Also, please be aware that it was Barbara, not me, who made the initial offer of spending sixty cents on Lots42. I would never be sixty cents worth of mean. I found the same bumper sticker (with the same goofy font) in blue instead of red at a different site for $2.99. Of course, we'd still need to get four more (orange, yellow, green, and purple) to make a whole pride flag for Lots42, or just two more (black and white) to make a pride flag for me. From a quick perusal of StickerGiant.com, here are some other ambiguous slogans now available bumper stickers or pinbacks: "Thank The Government For AIDS" "Just Because I'm Gay Doesn't Mean I Wouldn't Let A Woman Blow Me" "Make Out With My Butt 5c" "Nuke A Gay Whale For Christ" "Don't Come Out Of The Closet Unless You Have Something Fabulous To Wear" "Vaginatarian" "Do You Fantasize About The UPS Man?" "Sorry Boys, I'm Gay" I think the last one's for lesbians, but it might work for Lots42 if he's hideous-looking. Obviously it wouldn't work on me, because I'm unusually handsome even compared to other mean guys. I'm a nice guy, too, I did all this research into stickers for Lots42 for free! -- K. "Blondes Have More Fun But Brunettes Remember It" ...and those of us with orange hair cause it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not the Family Edition! Maybe not even an authorized edition! Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:09:16 -0500 Hey! Hey hey hey! Remember I had observed that the incredibly bad movie "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" only appeared to be available on DVD in a "Family Edition" -- meaning that it wasn't widescreen and had some of the diaper gravy jokes censored? The "Family Edition" is the only one I've seen in stores, the only one available from Amazon.com, and the only one mentioned on IMDB.com or RottenTomatoes.com. Well, I purchased a used copy on the cheap, and lo and behold, somehow I got a copy that's not the "Family Edition". I don't know what the deal is, but mine's a Region 1 disc that claims to be widescreen. The one that's in stores has a black stripe across the top marked "Family Edition", but this one has a white stripe that says "DTS Digital Surround Sound", plus a weird logo with a big gold "9" surrounded by the phrases "Collector's Series", "DTS", and "Region Quality". Guh? Have I somehow got a DVD from Region 9 which would be somewhere between Mars and Krypton? The box does say it's an NTSC Region 1 disc, but this cryptic broken-English logo on the front makes me wonder if someone is going to the trouble of bootlegging one of the least-wanted movies in human history, especially given that I can't even find any references to this DVD's spine catalog number ("DTS-9462") on the Web. Also, instead of the usual English, French, and Spanish subtitles, my disc supports English, Chinese, Malay, and Thai subtitles. That's a real sign something weird is going on. But if this were a legit Asian release from this studio, it wouldn't be Region 1. (My disc might be Region 1 or, more likely, have no region code, I can't tell, all I know is that my DVD player plays it in all its disgusting glory.) It's not actually widescreen -- the box's lie about being widescreen is the surest sign that this isn't a legit release from any region. The front box art -- other than all the references to it being a DTS disc -- is just a copy of the movie's poster, another frequent feature of bootleg discs. I think the mangled "9"/"DTS" logo on the front is trying to be a "DVD-9" (dual-layer) logo. The mashup of the "DTS" logo in it is unsurprising because Asian bootlegs often seem to emphasize that they have DTS, I guess it's popular over there. And now, here's today's trivia question. What quote from a critic appears in big letters on the back of this shady version of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"? a) "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" b) "SuperBabies is the worst movie of the year" c) "SuperBabies sucks" d) "SuperBabies is... wacky" I'll give you a hint: This movie is so bad that no human has ever said it has any redeeming qualities. No, I'm not kidding. The back of the box says "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" in yellow Gill Sans Ultra Bold (a font 837% wackier than this movie could ever hope to be.) The quote is attributed to Pete Croatto of FilmCritic.com, and it probably is the most positive quote they could find -- RottenTomatoes.com lists 35 critics' reviews, all extremely negative. I should write him a letter. Maybe he's the one who put out this secret edition of "Superbabies" with the helpful warning on the back to keep people from watching it. Or maybe the bootleggers can't read enough English to know that "has no redeeming qualities" isn't the same as "super wacky terrific spectacle". If this is a bootleg, it's not only the first time I've ever discovered I accidentally bought a bootleg, it's also the first time I've ever been glad to buy a bootleg, because it means you should FEAR ME! I HAVE A WEIRD MALAYSIAN-SUBTITLED BOOTLEG THAT FELL FROM THE SKY OF "SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2" AND YOU'D BETTER BE NICE TO ME OR I MAY TELL YOU EVEN MORE ABOUT IT! -- K. Maybe there will be a new bootleg that will say: "BE NICE TO ME OR I MAY TELL YOU EVEN MORE ABOUT IT!" -- Kibo ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Not the Family Edition! Maybe not even an authorized edition! Date: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 00:49:59 -0500 Yesterday, I wrote: > > What quote from a critic appears in big letters on the back of this > shady version of "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2"? > > a) "SuperBabies has no redeeming qualities" > > b) "SuperBabies is the worst movie of the year" > > c) "SuperBabies sucks" > > d) "SuperBabies is... wacky" In case you haven't yet figured it out from the subtle hints I gave, I took a photo to provide you with the answer: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_superbabies_quote.jpg For those of you who are curious as to how awesome this special HIGHLY ILLEGAL BOOTLEG of AN INCREDIBLY BAD MOVIE looks, here's the front: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_superbabies_front.jpg Behold the cool prismatic iridescence not unlike the wing of a delicate dragonfly! The DVD's box has a nifty coating that makes it look like it was dipped in an oil slick, when really it's just a box containing a movie full of diaper gravy. -- K. My photos are... wacky. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Great Moment in Journalism Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:26:02 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > "In an interview with CNN's Paula Zahn on Monday, Relford said that > after the arrest, he returned to the home where his mother was killed > for the first time." > > Amazingly, just minutes before I saw your article, I wrote down the following quote from NECN (New England Cable News): "An electrical shock from a Boston sidewalk has again killed a young dog!" However, unlike you, I shan't be dignifying it by appending an emoticon filled with letters between the angle brackets. Those are for people who can't even find the smiley key. -- K. I am now the first person to have used "shan't" on the Internet. "It's just like spanking your child's tongue." -- Channel 56 newscast ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Al Pacino Date: Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:35:20 -0500 [...in regards to something, I forget what, since Lots no longer has the power to quote] Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > No, if it was Kibo-mean there would be a lot more talk about how I > enjoy sex with men. Which I don't. Nobody ever said you enjoy sex with men. It's okay for you to be gay but not enjoy sex. That's what gay guys can get married now, once they decide they don't like sex. When did you get married without telling us? Given that you keep changing the subject to your alleged gayness, I'd think you'd be proud to tell us about the special man in your life. So who's the unlucky husband? -- K. And how do the two of you decide who the dishwasher is? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dung, nature's medicated Play-Doh Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 04:09:53 -0500 In 2002, I commented on this news story: -> A Hindu nationalist organisation is urging people in India to smear -> themselves in cow dung in the event of nuclear war. -> -> [...] -> -> Radheshyam Gupta, a spokesman for the commission, said: "Even if the enemy -> carries out the threat to bomb us with nukes we don't have to panic. You -> can fully protect yourselves by covering the roof with cow dung. -> -> "Applying cow dung paste to the body from head to toe will serve as an -> extra shield." Well, guess what? The Cow Poo Party is back in the news! [www.reuters.com] => => NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Alongside life-size posters of Hindu => nationalist leaders, Indian political activists can now buy => lotions, potions and pills to cure anything from cancer to => hysteria to piles -- all made from cow urine or dung. To cure nausea, which should you do, eat poop or drink pee? => A new goratna (cow products) stall at the Bharatiya Janata => Party's (BJP) souvenir shop is rapidly outselling dry political => tracts, badges, flags and saffron-and-green plastic wall clocks => with the face of former prime minister Atal Behari Vajpayee. => => "You won't believe how quickly some of the products sold out," => says Manoj Kumar, who runs the souvenir shop along with his => brother, Sanjeev, at the BJP headquarters in a plush central => New Delhi neighborhood. "The constipation medicine is a hot => seller." "It's ironic that it cures constipation given that it's made from constipation!" => But the biggest seller is a "multi-utility pill" that claims to => cure anything from diabetes to piles to "ladies' diseases." I would imaginine they don't give out free samples because then everyone would yell "Wow! It cured my stupidity!" and leave without buying anything. => "It's a miraculous cure" the container declares. A month's => supply costs a little over $1. => => Another cure-all is Sanjivani Ark, a liquid medicine that => battles cancer, hysteria, and irregular periods, among other => things. => => In addition to medicines, the goratna products range from cow => dung toothpaste, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Ladies and gentlemen, I am now auctioning my artistic masterpiece, titled "World's Widest All-Squealin' Exclamation Point In Response To Cow Dung Gleem". Bidding starts at $1,000. => to detergents, "Ladies! Wash your clothes in new Tide With Turd!" => a skin-whitening cream, I think the whole country of India was started as a joke just to see if they could trick Michael Jackson into covering himself with shit. => baldness and obesity cures, soap and a cow urine "antiseptic => aftershave." What about a squeezable hamburger topping? => Siddarth Singh, a spokesman for the Hindu nationalist BJP, => which has long campaigned on the sanctity of the cow, said the => stall aimed to promote village industry, one of the biggest => employers in India. => => "If you go back in the history of India, this belongs to our => culture. There's no commercial value to us. Village industry in => this country needs to be promoted." => => The use of cow products in India is centuries old. The five key => products -- butter, milk, curd, urine and dung -- are => collectively known as panchgavya and are an important part of => ayurvedic medicine. White Castles are better than Ayurvedic medicine any day. And they have none of that mediciney taste. And by "mediciney taste" I mean that White Castles don't taste like shit. => [...] => => Singh already uses the detergent and is thinking of => experimenting further. => => "I'm tempted to try something for the hair -- let's hope," he => grins, running his fingers through his thinning crop. I hope he winds up with a giant flop on his hands. And all over his head. -- K. I gotta stop going to Indian restaurants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Calling all 733t ARKian embroiderers Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 18:48:30 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > Meat Terri and I have been working out the details for my way cool tie- > > dye tux for my upcoming re-wedding and we have need of the skills of > > someone who has a knack for embroidery. I would like to feature a large > > embroidered beehive on the back of the jacket. If you feel up to the > > challenge, or know someone who is, please to speak up. Why not do it yourself? Embroidery's not hard. It just involves buying some of that really thick thread and then spending a lot of time stitching the fabric to nothing. Surely if you can handle being married you can deal with doing some embroidery. > > Also, the ceremony is shaping up nicely. The details, as they are > > planned so far: > > > > Date: Summer of 2007 > > Place: Somewhere in Boston, MA > > Officiating: Kibo > > > > We wanted to hold it in Boston, so it would be close to as many > > kibologists as possible, BAD LOGIC. Aren't most of them in Canada, Europe, or mental institutions? > > and we would like to hold a big-time ARKple in conjunction. > > > > If you know of anywhere (preferably highly kibological) that we can hold > > it, please to speak up! I would have no problem with you using the Software Tool & Die Conference Room And Echo Chamber, particularly because I don't work there any more. Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > I wonder if you could get married in the room at the Boston Science > Museum that has the giant Van der Graaf generator? Maybe the cranky > science guy who ran it at the last ARKPLE could officiate. Great idea! While he's doing that, I'll go down the hall and guard the Dippin' Dots machine to keep anyone from buying any. -- K. Why not cut to the chase and just hold the wedding in a mental institution? I suggest the place where they filmed "Titicut Follies", 'cause I want to go to that Thai restaurant near there. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Headline of the week: "Get this off my penis!" Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2005 19:36:17 -0500 With a headline like that, you know it's either going to be good, or another damn story about Krazy Glue. From a paper in Mumbai, India: [ww1.mid-day.com] -> -> Get this off my penis! -> -> By: Vinod Kumar Menon -> March 2, 2005 -> -> Raju Shetty's (28) attempt to adopt an inventive method to -> enhance sexual pleasure landed him on the surgeon's table -> yesterday. -> -> Inspired by the fad of body piercing, the Pantnagar (Ghatkopar) -> resident substituted a ring with a metal nut and pushed it -> around his penis. Problem was, the metal stayed stubbornly -> stuck to his organ for over two hours. Did he try hot soapy water? -> After failing to remove the foreign body, an embarrassed Shetty -> decided to seek medical help and checked into the casualty ward -> of Rajawadi Hospital in the evening. Did he try Wesson oil? -> "I have never come across such a case in the last 12 years of -> my experience," said Dr Bharati Karat, the on duty chief -> medical officer. Did he try a cold shower? -> Karat said that Shetty was initially reluctant to reveal his -> ailment but later spoke of his situation to a male intern who -> examined him and came away shocked at his find. -> -> "We decided to cut the nut, but the metal was too thick. The -> case was later referred to the surgeons," said on duty -> assistant medical officer Dr Gopal Mahajan. Did he try unscrewing it? -> The surgeon said, "The nut was so tight that it caused a severe -> swelling on the organ due to which the blood supply to that -> part of the anatomy was stopped. It took us almost two hours to -> get the nut out. Had the patient delayed admission by few -> hours, we would have had to amputate the organ, as the affected -> area may have developed gangrene." -> -> Shetty told the doctors that he desired to prolong sexual -> pleasure and hence inserted the nut. Did he try thinking about baseball scores? -> "This is a case of sexual perversion," said Dr Mahajan. Another -> doctor said that while body piercing in delicate areas of the -> human anatomy had become a fad, the consequences could be -> alarming. -> -> The matter was later handed over to the Pantnagar police, who -> visited the hospital to record Shetty's statement. -> -> "We wanted to know if someone else had inserted the metal or he -> had committed the act himself. We will register the matter in -> our station dairy," said the on duty police constable. I know cows are sacred there, but this is ridiculous. The story is accompanied by two photos. The first caption: -> The nut which surgeons removed from Raju Shetty's organ. ...it's a photo of a nut sitting on a piece of surgical gauze. There is no scale to the picture, but judging by the nap of the gauze it's a pretty small nut, like maybe 1/2" to 3/4" inside diameter. That makes him stupid. The second caption: -> Shetty gives his statement to police at Rajawadi Hospital yesterday. -> The picture was taken secretly from a distance, hence the poor quality That photo is missing in action, hence I don't know what this guy looks like or what extraordinary measures the newspaper that can't spell "diary" took to send undercover spies to stake out the area across the street from the hospital all day hoping to catch a surveillance photo of a guy who got his winky stuck in something. This same paper brings us other wonderful stories, such as this one: => Mumbai's former demolition man, ex-deputy municipal => commissioner G R Khairnar (63), has succumbed to 'yogamania'. => => An obsession with yoga (averaging nearly 12 hours a day) has => landed him at the KEM Hospital's intensive care unit. He was => admitted on Saturday. => => The first danger signs came a fortnight ago when Khairnar felt => discomfort in his nose. => => "I went to an ear nose and throat specialist and had a minor => operation. The 'curtain' and cartilage in my nose had been => affected because of jal neti and rubber neti. I had developed a => monstrous obsession with yoga," he confessed. I don't know what a "rubber neti" is, or why doing yoga could make his nose hurt, unless "neti" means "tight bondage hood" and "yoga" means "tantric sex with no steel nuts involved." => [...] => => After that, there was no stopping. Recounted Ashalata, "He => practised jal neti (taking in water from one nostril and => passing from the other), rubber neti (inserting a rubber tube => through the nose and removing from the mouth) and pet neti => (consuming water in abundance and flushing it out) for several => hours a day. I stand corrected. It's much less weird than what I suggested. And here's yet another article from the same paper! All three of these were front-page news in Mumbai on the same day: -> Police constable Sada Patil (name changed) was assaulted on the -> penis by two men on February 20. Patil (34) a police Naik at -> Boisar had to undergo an operation as the organ was badly -> bruised, which led to erectile dysfunction. -> -> The assailants have been charged under Section 333 (causing -> grievous hurt to deter public servant from his duty) & 353 -> (assault on a public servant) of the Indian Penal Code, WINK!!! WINK!!!!!!! WIIIINNNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> but are out on bail. -> -> Patil was attacked by two men Vikas Sairam Parikh (34) and his -> brother Alok Sairam Parikh (35) near Chitralaya cinema, Boisar. -> Patil was on night duty and was patrolling the area that had a -> lot of jewellery stores. -> -> At 12.30 am he saw Vikas and Alok hanging around suspiciously -> near Chitralaya cinema. -> -> So, he asked them, 'Raat ke 12.30 baje tum log yahaan kya kar -> rahe ho?" Um... wink? -> When one of them said that he was a reporter, Patil asked for -> his I-card. I have absolutely no clue what's going on here. India is one of those countries where I can't understand most of the news stories even though they're all about genital injuries. -> "Angry and irritated, the men beat Patil and hit him between -> his legs with their knees and fled from the spot," says -> Bhushan Patil, his brother. -> -> Wracked with pain, Patil called the Boisar police from his -> mobile phone. The police reached the spot and arrested the -> Parikh brothers immediately as they hadn't gone far. -> -> Patil was operated upon yesterday. "The organ was bloodied and -> bruised. The bleeding has stopped now and he can resume work -> after a month," said Dr Pradeep Bhave, urologist at Pooja -> Hospital, Thane (West). Why, does his job involve using his penis? Don't tell me, he works at an Indian Dunkin' Donuts? -- K. "That's not ghee!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Headline of the week: "Get this off my penis!" Date: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 19:40:36 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > My stepson tells me that when he was in the Air Force the Drill > Majorette or Drum Sergeant or whatever would sometimes get all up in > his face and demand to know if he intended to wear a condom if he got > lucky while on leave. After a while he began answering, "YES, SIR! > I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW, SIR!" But the important thing is that, for true safety, whenever you access the Internet you should have rubber gloves on, preferably with duct tape wrapped around them. ARE YOU WEARING YOUR INTERNET SAFETY GLOVES RIGHT NOW? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! AND STOP TOUCHING MY ARTICLES ALL OVER!!! -- K. BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Politically-correct toys -- the kind without all the fun Date: Thu, 03 Mar 2005 00:21:06 -0500 I wish I lived in New York so I could go to these toy-industry trade shows and mock all this crap in person. Well, at least I've been to the Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices, which isn't all that different. [www.nypress.com] -> -> J.R. Taylor -> News & Columns Hey, something's wrong. I'm reading a New York Press column that's not by Jim Knipfel. -> What the world needs now is Problem-Solving Hand Puppets. At -> least, that's what we're told at the Jacob Javits Center during -> the American International Toy Fair. The display for these -> inclusive hand puppets assures us that kids can use them to -> come to grips with anger, shame and fear. When I was a kid, the -> only thing that would've inspired anger, shame and fear would -> be getting caught with a Problem-Solving Hand Puppet. ...especially when solving a male puberty-related problem with the furry puppetglove. "That Kermit sure has a purty mouth!" -> Those puppets are probably the first step in a slippery slope -> that leads to giant puppets protesting budget cuts that keep -> public schools from purchasing, say, hand puppets. Oh, well. -> Displays like this are what make the Toy Fair fun. All the -> major players are here, but there are plenty of entrepreneurs -> looking for that one big purchase order from a national chain. -> -> Or maybe they're hoping for some government official desperate -> to meet tolerance standards. That's the only rationale for the -> re-educational fun of the "Our Family" board game. The board is -> really a pink triangle, and you climb it by knowing gay trivia -> and avoiding intolerant acts. I'm avoiding playing the whole stupid game! I WIN! -> It's tricky, though. A teenage boy can lose five points just by -> being turned off after discovering that a pretty girl he's -> romancing actually has a hairy chest. And that's the sort of prejudice that can't be overcome by talking to a Problem-Solving Hand Puppet, only by cuddling an Alternative Lifestyle Bear. -> There's also cheap laffs in the convention's inherent -> junkiness. Consider the Pro-Glo extension cords that come in -> wild neon colors. Dude, these outlets are extreme! There's also -> the plastic sleeve that constitutes the TV Guide Jacket. We can -> now redefine white trash as anyone who has to put slipcovers -> over their reading materials. Hey, it helps to be able to wipe them off after they fall in the toilet. -> The Toy Fair does much to sum up our decline and fall. There's -> a constant proliferation of board games such as "Would You -> Rather...?" and "If You Had to Choose...?" and other board games -> for social cripples incapable of honest conversation. So if you had to choose, would you rather play "Would You Rather...?" or "If You Had to Choose...?" I'd play "Would You Kill Dan Rather...?" but only because I love yelling "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" -> And there'll always be plenty of new Simpsons, Family Guy and -> Nightmare Before Christmas crap to keep hipsters from giving -> any real consideration to birthday and holiday presents. -> -> To be fair, there's a lot to enjoy. Fear Factor candy is an -> overdue idea. It's also known as "Japanese candy". -> Pizza Box Football also looks ingenious. "The most challenging -> Dot-to-Dots ever created" seem like fun. I don't understand how you could make a connect-the-dots book challenging, unless there are some stupid boring rules about how you have to only connect the dots whose numbers are undiscovered Mersenne primes. And where's the fun in that? "...and 2^25964951-1 is also prime... yay, it made a kitty!" (Completing the book entitles you to your choice of Nobel Prize For Mathematics or the Nobel Prize For Making A Kitty.) -> And if you check out the Japanese distributors over in their own -> section, you'll find some nice realistic toy guns. -> -> It's enough to get someone excited over Christmas. This coming -> summer looks a lot more dire. The Fantastic Four and Batman -> Begins merchandising is plainly uninspired. I already own Hulk -> Hands, so who needs Thing Hands and Feet? And you don't even -> want to think about how bad Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -> is going to be. Trust me. I've seen the board game. And on this tour of the fudge factory, do you lose points for refusing to date an Oompa-Loompa with a hairy chest? -- K. Wake me when the anti-homophobia board game becomes a TV game show with me as the host. (There would be three contestants -- the most tolerant one would win, and the two losers would have to kiss.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I've been bOINGed again Date: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 05:09:17 -0500 Just so's you know, my photo of the "Baby Geniuses 2" bootleg DVD that says "has no redeeming qualities" in big yellow letters has bounced through a few blogs and turned up on bOINGbOING.net today. http://www.boingboing.net/2005/03/03/malaysian_dvd_bootle.html and they got it from http://www.chrisnull.com/2005/03/james-kibo-parry-sends-these-fine.html who got it from me! This means that I have now gotten my money's worth ($6.88) out of that crappy movie because I can sit here happily knowing that thousands upon thousands of random Web surfers are at this very moment stumbling across that photo without realizing that their brain cells are being destroyed from looking at something connected in any way to "Baby Geniuses 2". Hey everyone, look, "Baby Geniuses 2" exists! And now part of your brain is permanently devoted to knowing that, sucker! And the best part is, I haven't even considered trying to watch the stupid movie yet. I have no need to harm myself in that way while there's still work to be done tricking innocent bystanders into looking at the box it came in. Why, just think of the fun I could have with a _good_ movie. Anyone want to come over and watch "Dr. Strangelove"? I have that secret new 3-disc edition that ends with the hour-long cream pie fight. William Shatner dies in it. -- K. I have a negative number of redeeming qualities. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I've been bOINGed again Date: Fri, 04 Mar 2005 19:34:36 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey everyone, look, "Baby Geniuses 2" exists! And now part of your > > brain is permanently devoted to knowing that, sucker! > > I keep forgetting to thank you for this important information. You can > just say GOODBYE to that cool hot sauce I was going to send you, little > mister. I just got four bottles of gourmet habanero sauce in the mail today (the four-pack was something like $7 at Amazon.com) so nyah. Plus I got a catalog for Desert Pepper Trading Company, who make my favorite habanero sauce. (I was down to just two spare bottles because I use so much of the stuff whenever I get that cream of mushroom soup from Trader Joe's.) > > Why, just think of the fun I could have with a _good_ movie. > > Anyone want to come over and watch "Dr. Strangelove"? I have that > > secret new 3-disc edition that ends with the hour-long cream pie fight. > > William Shatner dies in it. > > Dammit, I just bought that from Hastings, and now you spoiled it. > Hastings has "Dr Strangelove" DVDs for teh cheap right now, it's even the > special edition. I think this means a newer better edition will be out > soon. There's also that new director's cut of "Eyes Wide Shut" which is not only uncensored, but now includes all of that forty-five minute scene where Alan Cumming mocks Tom Cruise's diction until he cries. -- K. Also the new version even contains a scene where Nicole Kidman acts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Just Want to Say Date: Sun, 06 Mar 2005 03:12:16 -0500 [re Tom's cat, Fat Bastard] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Also also also, Jake and plorkwort and Kibo and Talysman and others > can attest to just how tubby he really is. He's not tubby, he's just very... solid. I've seen cats that bulged in the middle in unsightly ways. Fat Bastard is more of a uniform double-chunkiness from head to foot. Some fat cats are shaped like a pear, but Fat Bastard is more like one of Piet Hein's wooden superllipsoids. Except soft and cuddly. And he's a real sweetie, too. Never throws his weight around and hasn't yet broken any toilet seats. -- K. I will offer a Virtual Candy Salute to the first person who draws an ASCII superellipsoid to properly diagram my theory that Tom's cat is x^n+y^n+z^n=1 for sufficiently fat values of n. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Kabuki Theater Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2005 05:59:03 -0500 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > I only need two words to explain why Kabuki theater is AWESOME COOL: > > Ninja stagehands. Bunraku's better. Because then the ninjas are twice as tall as the actors. Giant invisible ninjas! NINJAS THAT PLAY GOD WITH TINY PEOPLE! NINJAS THAT COULD CRUSH THE LITTLE PUPPETS! It's a good thing ninjas are peaceful. -- K. I'm a Space Viking, even when I'm dressed like a ninja. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Kabuki Theater Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 00:56:28 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bunraku's better. Because then the ninjas are twice as tall as the > > actors. Giant invisible ninjas! NINJAS THAT PLAY GOD WITH TINY > > PEOPLE! NINJAS THAT COULD CRUSH THE LITTLE PUPPETS! > > What about 'Ichi the Killer' theatre? Would you hand out the yellow rain > slickers and goggles at the door? I suspect the only people who would want to see that movie performed live would already own rubber macs and wellies. Still, you'd have to have one thing at the front door -- a sign saying: WARNING: FIRST TEN ROWS MAY GET DISSECTED Other ninja performances you might want to wear protective clothing to would include the live version of "Brazil", with Robert DeNiro as the ninja duct repairman who fills the entire theater with sewage, and "Sidekicks", with the kid from "seaQuest" as "the kid from seaQuest beating up Joe Piscopo". (WARNING: FIRST THREE ROWS MAY GET PISCOPOED) -- K. Or worse, they may get PISCOPOOED. Ew! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 01:39:02 -0500 Sure, you've already heard about it -- some chimps escaped from their enclosure in a California zoo, and ate a guy's face and nuts before getting shot. As bOINGbOING reported: [www.boingboing.net] -> -> Yesterday, St. James and LaDonna Davis were kind enough to bring -> a birthday cake to their former chimpanzee Moe who has been -> living at an animal sanctuary in Caliente, California since he -> bit off a woman's finger. Unfortunately, all hell broke loose -> while they were visiting with Moe. Buddy and Ollie, two -> chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, escaped and attacked the -> couple. The two chimps were shot and killed but not before they -> severed the man's nose, foot, and testicles and dragged him down -> the road. Moe was not involved in the attack. "their former chimpanzee Moe"? Oh no! Stop Moe before he evolves again! CNN's version of the story has further details: [www.cnn.com] => => [...] => Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after => he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely => injured man and dragged him down the road, authorities said. => => "Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said. Too bad Tom Green wasn't there. I'm sure he likes getting chimps off almost as much as he enjoys giving handjobs to (INSERT LONG LIST OF ANIMAL SPECIES HERE.) Anyway, the reason I mention this terrible incident is that, while researching a blog entry about it for overlawyered.com, Ted Frank discovered that I had already mentioned Moe twice back when he was still just a chimp and not yet a former chimp. (Moe, not Ted.) I seem to have first brought the Moe problem to light back in 1999, and again in 2000: ////////// IT'S A CHIMPTASTIC RE-RUN! /////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 04:57:57 GMT Linda Deutsch wrote for the Associated Press: > > Subject: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute (KIBO, DENNIS MILLER, and JON STEWART are lunging for the last doughnut when KIBO sees something out of the corner of his eye. He turns away and grabs a newspaper which is sliding past on an electrified wire at high velocity. MILLER and STEWART knock themselves unconscious when their heads collide. KIBO takes the doughnut and eats it as he reads the newspaper.) KIBO Mmm, sprinkles... mmm, chimpanzee... > WEST COVINA, Calif. (AP) -- He's been described as ``a good > citizen'' and ``a political prisoner.'' Hey! Lyndon LaRouche is not a chimpanzee! > Moe the chimpanzee, He's the leader of The Three Chimpanzee Stooges. Man, I would love to see them do some Three Stooges movies with an all-chimp cast. Except I don't know if chimps would be smart enough to throw pies. They'd probably just think the pies were for EATING because CHIMPS ARE STUPID! > the subject of an emotional custody dispute, is having his day in court > and it's creating a local sensation. JUDGE Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? MOE THE CHIMP (blows a very wet raspberry and kisses the judge) LAWYER I move for a mistrial! The monkey wasn't supposed to lick your face until I threw this banana cream pie at you! JUDGE Order in the court! I find you in contempt! LARRY THE HOMICIDAL POTTED BEGONIA Oh, a wise guy, eh? CURLY THE INANIMATE MOLECULE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH FROM WHERE WE COULD SEE HIM Nyuk nyuk nyuk! GROUCHO When I throw a pie, people say it's funny! HARPO (makes funny noises and falls down) > An army of lawyers is fighting over whether Moe, who has bitten > a couple of people, At the same time? > should remain in quarantine or be allowed to return to his surrogate > parents, St. James and LaDonna Davis. > The Davises rescued him from the wilds of Africa 30 years ago > when his mother was killed by poachers. > ``I want our family back together,'' a weeping St. James Davis > told reporters outside the local courthouse on Thursday. Just think, if the chimp is listed as next of kin, someday that chimp could own their house! AND THEN HE'D RENT ROOMS OUT BUT WOULD DISCRIMINATE AGAINST HUMANS! > Picketers -- mostly neighbors who have lived on the same street > as Moe for years -- marched with signs saying, ``Bring Moe Home,'' > ``West Covina Loves Moe'' and ``Moe is a political prisoner.'' Of course, most of those signs were left over from the making of the movie, "The Three Stooges Get Exiled To Siberia". > ``He causes a lot less problems than the kids in the > neighborhood,'' said Susan Stewart, calling Moe ``a good citizen.'' I'm sure he votes. I mean, Jesse Ventura got elected. > Officials had tried to evict Moe from West Covina in the 1960s > but a judge let him stay, saying the chimp ``doesn't have the > traits of a wild animal and was somewhat better behaved than some > people.'' Yeah! Chimps are better than those high-falutin' types who look down their noses at chimps! OOH WHAT A BURN! I JUST ZINGED THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE ON BEHALF OF A CHIMP NAMED AFTER A STOOGE! > Moe went on to become a local celebrity, appearing at ribbon > cuttings, helping sell cookies for the Girl Scouts, He was good at that because monkeys like picking lice off things. (I meant the cookies, not the scouts, you sickos.) > even appearing in a movie or two. Good thing he's a good citizen or he could have been blacklisted. > His troubles began in August 1998 when a worker fixing something > in Moe's cage accidentally caused an electrical shock to the chimp. > Moe panicked, escaped and ran through the neighborhood. Yeah, it's vitally important to have the electrical outlets _inside_ the chimp cage in good working order in case the chimp needs to plug in his WebTV. > Animal control officers tried to calm him, neighbors said, but > police roared up with flashing lights and sirens and Moe became > more agitated. He bit a police officer and an animal control > worker. Then he climed to the top of the Empire State Building and grabbed a biplane as his fur moved around randomly from moment to moment. > Last month, a community relations officer asked to visit Moe. > Sheryl Ortiz was told not to go too close, according to the > Davises, but she stuck her finger into Moe's cage. At first he > sucked on the finger, then he bit off the tip. Please don't make me choose which of those options I'd like least. > They explained that because he likes red licorice, he thought he > was biting into a piece of the candy when he saw her red nail > polish. CALL THE KANDY KOPS AND THE PASTRY POLICE, SOYLENT RED IS MADE FROM LADY FINGERS!!! > Moe has been taken to the Wildlife Way Station to be > quarantined. > Municipal Court Judge Carol Williams Elswick postponed all > action until Nov. 19, expressing hope that the parties will reach > an out-of-court settlement. Hopefully very FAR out of her court. Ever seen the mess chimps make in court? I mean, pies aren't the worst stuff they throw in real life. -- K. Here's a line I'll write into any Pauly Shore movies I'm forced to produce: "LOOK OUT, THE CHIMP HAS A NUCLEAR WEAPON!" Then Pauly would die in a nuclear explosion that lasts for two hours and has a laugh track. ////////// ANOTHER CHIMPTACULAR RE-RUN! ///////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: 2000/02/05 l'AFP wrote: > > Subject: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners New Chimp With Real Rap Beat! City Drops Charges Against Owners, Chimp Throws Feces Against Owners. > WEST COVINA, California, Jan 29 (AFP) - Moe the chimp has beat > the rap, now that this city has decided to stop monkeying around "MONKEYING AROUND" HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT! > with his owners, their lawyer said Friday. > West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James > Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits, > filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria > Allred said. > Police Chief Frank Wills said the whole monkey business has > generated worldwide attention and driven him bananas. HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT! BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE WORD BANANAS IN IT! THE MUTILATED FINGER MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER! (Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.) > "We're clearly losing the public relations battle," said Wills, > who has has received angry letters and e-mails lambasting the city > east of Los Angeles for prosecuting the couple. That's what they get for letting Koko the gorilla send mail from AOL. > "It's unwinnable ... If this was a pit bull, it would be a > different story." Oh, yeah, nobody likes dogs. But everyone loves monkeys, even though you can housebreak dogs. Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off their diapers every five minutes? God made monkeys just to annoy people. And because he likes sitcoms. That's why he invented the monkey, the propeller beanie, and the tricycle. > Moe, 33, has been moved to the Wildlife Waystation near here. > Chief Wills said the Davises are still "legally prohibited from > bringing the chimp back" to their home. > He referred questions about why the case was being dismissed to > city prosecutors Martin Mayer and Michael Capizzi. Neither returned > calls seeking comment. > The couple adopted the now 90-kilogram (200-pound) chimp after > his parents were killed by poachers in Africa. > The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails > for candy. Ortiz is suing. She will have to prove in court that her fingers do not taste as good as candy. > "They are treating Moe like the Hillside Strangler," Allred told > the Los Angeles Times. Yeah, it's not like he ever strangled anybody. He just poked them in their eyes and it went "BOOP!" and then he died and then he appeared in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" standing perfectly still holding a fire hose next to the other two Stooges, one of whom was also a wax mannequin and the other was an extremely elderly Curly Joe, not even the real Shemp. > But it wasn't Moe's first run-in with the law. > Over the last three decades, the town's strongest primate has > attacked five people, including two police officers and an animal > control officer, Wills said. He only mauled FIVE people! Let him get at least two more before you throw the book at him! Whatever happened to the spirit of California? > "If it was an adult (human), it would have been arrested for > mayhem and assault," Wills said. "Lucky for him, he was an animal." Meanwhile, Bob Hope mauled several people, but it was okay because he's just a vegetable. > Then, there was last year's wild monkey chase. ...on pay-per-view! > Moe escaped from his backyard cage, and a police officer ended up > getting bitten before Moe was caught. Rule of thumb: Perhaps any animal that has to stay in a cage all the time is unsuitable as a friendly housepet. -- K. Okay, I'll make an exception for canaries. Providing you glue padded foam rubber clown noses over their beaks. ////////// END OF CHIMPALICIOUS RE-RUNS! //////////////////////////////// Turning up those two articles proves that Ted Frank researches his chimp-related legal commentary better than any other news source -- CNN still hasn't called me to ask for my opinion on Moe The Instigator Of Cake-Fueled Crotch-Biting Frenzies, despite this proof that, for the past six years, I have been the Internet's leading authority on saying that Moe is an evil chimp even though now he just gets other chimps to do his dirty work. I don't think I like chimps. -- K. Veal tastes better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 21:48:43 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > UNLESS YOU COUNT THE ARTICLES I POSTED FIVE AND SEX > > I'm torn between: > > 1. Trying to convince Kevin that this was Kibo's sly way of hitting on > him; > B. Making a joke about the "five and ten;" > III. Just leaving it alone and waiting for someone much better than I to > turn this into the gem it so richly deserves to be. Whoa. How did my spelling-checker miss that? I distinctly remember paying extra for the "No Freudian Slips" feature! > Also, I could make some lewd comments, but after a decade of lewd > comments, I figure you guys may be a wee bit tired of it by now. Heh, you said "wee". -- K. Now I'm going to go cancel that and repost it to make sure nobody notices the mistake. Unless I repost it with the mistake still in it. Whew, I didn't do that. So now I just have to bump off Stacia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:48:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So now I just have to bump off Stacia. > > This is making me rethink my planned St Patty's Day festivities: show up > at Kibo's house with Scrabble in one hand and a gallon jug of hot sauce in > the other. You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. Well, if you change your mind, you know I'll be at home on St. Patrick's Day. It's not as if I'd be marching in any parades. We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. -- K. I buy the cheap paintballs which smell like the fish gelatin they're made from. I use the cheap ones because they're stiffer and less likely to rupture when I load one onto the point of my crossbow bolt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:07:22 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. > > > > We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. > > Near some large 6-foot-deep holes that are conveniently body-shaped? > No thank you. Not *again*. 6 foot deep? Not so shallow, missy. Remember that "seaQuest" episode where the submarine accidentally fell clear through the Earth's mantle? And giant laser-breathing worms chased the submarine around? I know the vacant lot where they filmed that episode. The hole's still there. In fact, I think Roy Scheider's still in it. He says to tell you he's so lonely, he doesn't even have his Oscar for company. > I suppose I could spend my faux St Patty's Day the way I initially > intended, trying to fight the college drunkards in Aggieville while I > check out the gourmet food store with the huge selection of hot sauces. > For some reason the St Pat's Day celebration is the 12th, which seems real > early this year. The big parade is on the 20th here. So if we celebrate both, that can be a full eight days of drinking, vomiting, and those awful green slime milkshakes from McDonalds. Personally, I plan to wait for a day when I can celebrate my Welsh heritage. It would be a day when I'd go around making bets I planned to lose and never pay up. Also, on that day, McDonalds would have to sell McShakes that looked like coal. > I recently took a wine and food class and Jeff the instructor warned us > that he started St Patty's Day festivities early, like 6:30. In the > morning. So I might do some Jeff spotting while in Aggieville, maybe > fondle a few hot sauce bottles, while staying the hell away from forests > and men in lots of leather. You're not fun when you're not openly inviting me to kill you. -- K. Your move! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 21:43:35 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, the reason I mention this terrible incident > > Why don't you just come right out and say that you don't read my > posts? I knew that you and many others had already reported on that most recent chimp incident a few days before I did. That's why I prefaced my article with a certain opening. What part of "Sure, you've already heard about it," at the top of my article didn't you understand? I wasn't trying to bogart your evil chimp! I hereby formally acknowledge that you made reference to an event involving Moe The Chimp on alt.religion.kibology a couple days before I did, UNLESS YOU COUNT THE ARTICLES I POSTED FIVE AND SIX YEARS AGO THAT YOU FAILED TO MENTION BECAUSE THEY INVALIDATE YOUR ENTIRE GRIPE! I win. Now surrender a pound of flesh to the chimp. -- K. Sheesh, it's like you're married to him or something. WORST "TWO STOOGES" EPISODE EVER! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Followup: They fixed it. Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 04:11:03 -0500 So they've fixed the typo in the title sequence of ABC's "Supernanny". The typo only I ever complained about. But have the billions of viewers in this fine piece of total filler thanked me for circling one of the pieces of evidence that needed to be corrected in order to hide how stupid this show is? No, I haven't even received a box of chocolates from the network or the stern nanny stereotype. This is the thanks I get for spell-flaming a TV show? I DEMAND VALIDATION FROM TV! I have half a mind to go over to the Supernanny's house and jump up and down and scream and refuse to go to bed until she cries. Also the other half of my mind wants to smear grape jelly on something, either Supernanny's clothing or Ann-Margaret's fluffy white bedroom. DAMN YOU, TV, FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THE DEFECTS IN YOUR CRAPPY SHOWS THAN THE PRODUCERS DO! Now that they've fixed the mistake in the title sequence -- which was the only thing about the show worth commenting on -- I can say this: "Supernanny" has fewer redeeming qualities than my bootleg of "Superbabies" which openly advertised that it has zero redeeming qualities. -- K. So when are they going to air the "Nanny 911"/"Rescue 911" crossover where Nanny Shatner arrests the toddler for murdering his inept parents? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: same old stuff happens in the news today: man eats own penis Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 20:25:03 -0500 [www.news.com.au] -> -> [...] -> -> Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: -> "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong -> with you." STOP THE PRESSES SO THE DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS CAN DO THEIR WIDDLE DANCE! And by the way, performing autofellatio this way is cheating. The correct way is to have your lower ribs removed, like Blue Man Group did. Further details: [www.mg.co.za] => => Doctors were able to stabilise Almonte's condition, even though => the severed penis was not recovered, triggering rumours that the => victim ate the organ. => => The man's father, however, denied the rumours, saying his son's => severed penis was just lost. And it's always in the last place you look. In a related story: [today.reuters.co.uk] -> -> The team thinks it has found Tutankhamun's penis, which was present in -> the 1920s but had gone missing by the time of an examination in 1968. -> "Although they cannot be certain, the team believes that they have located -> (it) ... loose in the sand around the king's body," the report said. And then Ernesto Almonte said "Mmm! Beef jerky!" and ate it. And then doctors X-rayed him and found two penises in his stomach, but couldn't tell them apart because digestive juices had now rehydrated the ancient one, so they flipped a coin and wound up reattaching the wrong one to him, and now he has a penis a few thousand years older than the rest of him, so that whenever the rest of him wants to have sex, his penis just wants to watch "Antiques Roadshow" and subscribe to Reader's Digest and buy Gold Bond Medicated Powder and say that people shouldn't be allowed to say "ate his own penis" on the Internet. -- K. I heard the Vatican's secret archives contain a fragment of the True Penis. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Old Olympus is still R0xing Date: Tue, 08 Mar 2005 20:44:30 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > DOES THIS BOTHER YOU? I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU. I'M > NOT TOUCHING YOU. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU? I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU. DOES > THIS BOTHER YOU? I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU? I'M NOT > TOUCHING YOU. DOES THIS BOTHER YOU? I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU. Am I annoying you yet? -- K. Am I annoying you yet? [Kibo, March 9, 2001] -> -> I like the idea of innovating "around" a specific customer. -> -> "Does this bug you? ÊI'm not touching you. ÊI'm just innovating. -> I'm not touching you." [Kibo, January 19, 2002] => => Well, that beats my idea of "DOES THIS BUG YOU?: THE GAME SHOW" => ("Does this bug you? ÊI'm not touching you. ÊI'm not touching you. => I'm Tony Randall and I'm not touching you. ÊWhat, are you going to => cry? ÊIs the contestant going to cry? ÊI'm Tony Randall and are => you going to cry? ÊI'm not touching you.") [Kibo, July 5, 2004] -> Does this bug you? -> I'm not touching you. -> Does this bug you? -> I'm not touching you. -> Does this bug you? -> I'm not touching you. -> Let me know if it bugs -> you and I'll stop -> _not_ touching you. [Kibo, March 8, 2005] => => Am I annoying you yet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Keywords: Holland, sex, police, helicopter, gunpoint, oops, haw haw Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:34:06 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Police blunder into sex game -> -> Police trying to foil a kidnapping in Holland found they had -> instead blundered into an elaborate sex game. I didn't think the police had any jurisdiction over sex games. The official rulebook published by the Sex Game League says that only the game's Dungeon Master can -- wait, someone switched my sex book with a "Dungeons & Dragons" book. I wish I hadn't relied on this book all these years without noticing. -> Passers-by called police after seeing a young blonde woman -> being bundled into the back of a van in Brunssum. -> -> Three men had roughly manhandled the struggling woman who was -> handcuffed, blindfolded, gagged and staggering on high heels -> in fishnet stockings. -> -> Police scrambled a helicopter, motorbikes and squad cars -- -> 22 officers in all -- and tracked the van to the city of Heerlen -> some 20 miles away. -> -> There was a dramatic chase which ended in a police road block and -> the men being ordered to lie face down at gunpoint on the road. -> -> Two of them were only half dressed and police feared the woman -> had been raped in the back of the van. -> -> But when they untied her and took her gag off, she reportedly -> screamed: "You stupid b******s! I've been trying to set this -> up for months! And now you've ruined it, just when it was -> getting interesting!" Months? I was under the impression that if you were a woman it didn't take all that long to convince men that they and their friends could put on ski masks, throw you into the back of their van, and have their way with you. Other than getting the guys to agree to do this and reserving a van from Rent-A-Wreck, how much set-up is involved? Sex isn't like that thing where you can only balance an egg on end during the vernal equinox. Sex is possible any time you've got a van and a ski mask. -> The three male occupants, aged 36, 39 and 58 and all from -> Heerlen, were freed. Hmm. I wonder which of these three is her lover -- did her middle-aged lover hire two strapping young goons and thus risk making himself look bad, or did her thirtysomething lover just hire one guy his own age before Uncle Frank insisted on tagging along? -> "We ascertained no crime was committed because this was a -> sexual fantasy that the 'victim' set up and was a willing -> participant in," said a police spokesman. -> -> "We advised her next time to arrange to be kidnapped in her -> own home." Oh, come on. Having sex in your _own_ home is hardly erotic. Especially in Holland, where there are giant naked orgies in the middle of the street every day. Holland is the homeland of sex. -- K. Can't wait to see this on "World's Wildest Police Videos", even if I have to see Sherriff John Bunnell's giant plastic teeth again. Come to think of it, it would be better to travel back in time with this news story so it could be on "SCTV" instead. With Juul Haalmeyer as the best-looking of the Dutch guys. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 01:04:08 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't have the option of posting pictures of myself wearing only > an Atari MindLink controller, to find women who will pretend to > like Atari so they can win a free chance to get into my pants. What, you couldn't afford a Nintendo PowerGlove? I think that if we want to talk about classic videogame controllers that had sex appeal, the discussion should begin and end with the Atari "Star Wars" arcade controller (modified from Atari's secret Army version of "Battlezone" -- the controller, not the movie about spaceships blowing up Darth Vader.) I think that next Halloween, someone should dress up as a pirate with a "Star Wars" controller sticking out of his crotch just to confuse nerds who have heard the steering-wheel joke. Second most erotic videogame controller: Atari's arcade "Tempest". Third: Williams's arcade "Stargate". (Just looking at all those buttons gives any manly man a testosterone surge.) Fourth: That scene in the movie "Tron" where Jeff Bridges says "This is just like the old arcade grips!" while grabbing both ends of a three-foot-wide pair of cardboard yak horns. Fifth: The original arcade "Missile Command"'s giant black bowling-ball-like trackball next to the three tiny, blinking nipple-like launch buttons. Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. -- K. That was about the only joystick I couldn't break. METAL IS GOOD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:20:32 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring > > sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. > > I had the version of that that came with three different handles: the Red > Ball, the Red Grip, and the Red Bat Handle. Dude, that one with the three different grips you could put on was called "The Boss", but its red-colored ball-shaped handle was no match for the Wico's "Red Ball", which had a red ball -- and only a red ball -- permanently attached to that metal post. Removable handles are for wimps who don't play hard. I bet you never even snapped the shaft of a Discwasher joystick, or crushed the base of one of those Gemini ones in your hand. Discwasher made nice big joysticks but they were all plastic and the shafts invariably snapped. Gemini made exact knockoffs of Atari's joysticks except they were made from such a cheap grade of plastic that I did literally crush one in my hand the first time I tried to shoot someone with it. Only Wico made joysticks with nice unbreakable metal shafts, and real leaf switches instead of those stupid little foil bubbles that wore out inside Atari joysticks at the worst possible moment. I demand as much metal as possible in my entertainment devices. Also, all laptop computers should be filled with lead. In case you have to hit someone over the head with them. -- K. The current Apple Powerbook has an orientation sensor hidden inside, so now there are games you can play by waving the computer around. However, they still haven't released the operating system update to make the computer say "TILT!" and lock up whenever you shake it. Apple would like that because they could add a little slot to the front where you'd have to insert a quarter to restart it, and every time you'd take the flimsy plastic Apple computer in for repairs they'd vacuum out all the quarters and refuse to fix it if it hadn't earned them enough money. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 06:59:56 -0500 [www.brownsvilleherald.com] -> -> El Jardin Elementary battles rat problem -> -> School employee warns parents to equip children with disinfectant -> -> By Kevin Garcia -> The Brownsville Herald -> -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found -> on school desks. "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word into my desk!" -> The employee, who Brownsville school district officials would -> not identify, warned parents of the matter by sending letters -> home with students. Oh! I just got it! "Brown"sville! Haw haw haw haw! It's funny because rats poop! Wait, for once maybe the newspaper wasn't trying to make a pun-like moment. If they were trying, it would have been even less funny. -> Officials admitted the school has a reoccurring rat problem, -> but they said students do not need to bring disinfectants to -> campus. The matter is being handled by maintenance workers -> with mouse traps and glue boards, they said. Why not just let the kids bring their kitty-cats to school? That would be the cheapest solution, and also, kids would get to learn about the cycle of nature when they see cute furry animals disemboweling each other. -> "I want to reassure all the parents that we have a very clean -> school even if we do have a problem with rats," said Principal -> Hector Hernandez, noting that the employee sent the letter -> without school permission. The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!!" -> "They (maintenance workers) are going to use all resources -> available to clear this up while the kids are away." -> -> The rat problem stems from the school's 80-year-old building -> that has "settled and developed cracks over time," said Rey -> Arteaga, the district's maintenance director. "We are sealing -> holes and putting in smaller grates in ventilation." -> -> He added that mouse traps and glue boards have been placed -> throughout the school, but regulations prohibit the use of -> bait while students are in class. Bait will be used -> "aggressively" once students are on Spring Break from March 14 -> to 18. But until then, the students will be the bait! "Augh! Waah! Little Timmy J. got carried off by a big evil scary rat! And I peed my pants and a rat ate my homework for the next three weeks!" -> Another possible reason for the rat problem is the school's -> proximity to brushy or woody areas where animals live, said -> Patty Matamoros, who has two children who attend El Jardin. -> -> "My kids have never complained about rats," said Matamoros, -> the school's Parent Teacher Organization president. -> -> "I think there are rats everywhere so it doesn't worry me that -> much." She was then asked to name three planets that have rats to prove her contention that rats are okay because rats are "everywhere". -> Some parents heard students shouldn't bring bag lunches, but -> Arteaga said there is no problem with lunches as long as -> students clean up after themselves. Remember, kids: Cheese is evil for many reasons. Reason #73: Cheese attracts rats that will pop out and bite you in the eye whenever you open your Hello Kitty lunchbox. So, kids, never eat cheese, and don't get a Hello Kitty lunchbox. -> Hernandez said teachers who see rats or rat droppings should -> contact maintenance immediately. What about teachers who see invisible demons from Hell? I had one of those for shop class. I mean an insane teacher, not an invisible Hell-beast. (The invisible Hell-beast taught Spanish.) -- K. In addition to rats, many schools are overrun by nerds! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 20:25:23 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.brownsvilleherald.com] > > -> > > -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were > > -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children > > -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found > > -> on school desks. > > Solution: taser them! Well, Taser-boy, while doing my research on this important topic, I stumbled across (via fark.com) this article which contains the words "urine" and "Taser", but not "rat", so if two out of three is good enough for you, this will be your favorite news story ever: [www.local6.com] => => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample => => Man Was Strapped To Hospital Bed => => ORLANDO, Fla. -- Authorities say a police officer twice used a => Taser stun device on a drug suspect who was restrained to a => hospital bed because the man refused to give a urine sample to => medical staff. => => Orlando police said Antonio Wheeler was arrested on a drug => charge and taken to an emergency room after telling officers => he had consumed cocaine. => => The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital => bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to => urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a => catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused. Um. If your arms and legs are strapped down, how do you keep them from inserting a cath? Does this guy have some sort of secret penis-retractor muscles the rest of us don't? Or maybe he's the guy from last week who squirted Krazy Glue down his urethra. => At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp noted that he => jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to => restrain him. Then, when Wheeler still refused to let the => catheter be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser => gun, which sends 50,000 volts into a target. I love it. Such rich ineptness. The cop has him handcuffed and strapped down, and is sitting on his chest, and is torturing him with a stun gun, and probably blowing his cool over the fact that this guy won't pee, when all the stupid cop needed to do was wait for the guy to fall asleep and then dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water. => Friday's incident has prompted an internal affairs investigation. Internal via which orifice? Further details from another source: [www.the-dispatch.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital -> bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to -> urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a -> catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused and began -> thrashing around, the affidavit said. If his weenie's moving around the room so fast that they can't grab it, either they didn't put enough leather straps on, or else he's one of those space aliens with a detachable, rocket-propelled penis that whizzes around leaving clouds of foaming baking soda behind. -> At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp reported, he -> jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to -> restrain him. When Wheeler still refused to let the catheter -> be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser, which -> sends 50,000 volts into a target. So was the officer wearing insulated rubber knee pads, or is there a scene missing here where he shocked himself while he was kneeling on the guy he was electrocuting? Also, the reporter forgot to tell us what part of the body the cop fired the Taser at. I bet this stupid cop has no idea where the secret spot that makes people pee really is. (Hint: Herman Miller's chair designers know all about The Secret Insta-Pee Spot.) -> "After the second shock (Wheeler) stated he would urinate and -> calmed down enough to be given the portable urinal," -> Linnenkamp wrote. Good thing the guy wasn't pee-shy or they'd still be Tasering him. -- K. New marketing slogan: "Taser: The Non-Lethal Weapon That Hurts Like Hell But Still Can't Even Make You Pee Unless It's Used Twice." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:54:57 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample > > You missed a golden opportunity with that poorly worded > "headline". I figured everyone here already spends too much time thinking about urine therapy. Plus I didn't want to sicken anyone who happened to be reading this while drinking warm apple juice. -- K. The worst-written part of the headline: "Taser Gun". As opposed to the Taser spatula, the Taser whoopee cushion, and the Taser plastic earthworm? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 18:59:20 -0500 Martin Cox (mpcox@insightbb.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch > > lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including > > Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended > > the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!! > > This will hold no terrors at all for products of the British school > system. The "currants" in the spotted dick never fooled anybody. I think you're confusing Andy Dick with Crispin Glover. They're actually slightly different. Andy's the funny one, and Crispin's the one who might actually become a serial killer someday. > And the gray and slightly furry Bubble And Squeak practically spells > it out for you. > > - Martin "Don't try the Toad In The Hole" Cox What, no Bangers And Mash? You don't like Peter Davison? You preferred that guy with the three-million-mile-long scarf? -- K. I heard Crispin Glover's going to be the new "Doctor Who", if they can catch him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 07:49:57 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word > > into my desk!" > > Solution: taser them! That's your solution to everything. "Taser them!" Haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? Also, haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? I have a better solution for you: Taser them! Anyway, I just want the TV networks to put the mid-Seventies version of "Let's Make A Deal" back on the air, from that very short-lived period where all the seats in the audience were rigged to fry the asses of the entire studio audience whenever Monty Hall read a joke off a cue card. That lasted about a week, followed by five years of him pathetically begging people to come be in the now-empty studio audience ("We've taken the charges out of the seats!") The new version would have every seat equipped with a Taser, the advantage being that the Tasers could continue shocking people who had jumped out of their seats and were running towards the exits with wires trailing from the barbed probes embedded in their fat, game-show-loving butts. The way the show should work is that whenever a contestant loses, the audience gets punished, so the audience would be rooting really hard for the contestant to win. Of course eventually the contestant would be asked a question about quantum gravity that not even Marilyn Vos Savant could answer, just so we could see the studio audience howling and lunging from their seats and beating the contestant to death. Either that or the show should just stay cancelled because it sucked. NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER THE GUY DRESSED AS AN ICE CREAM CONE WON A BAR STOOL OR A COW! The show should only be allowed back on the air if they go back to zapping their studio audience, and begin research on ways to simultaneously transmit these near-fatal electrical shocks to the home audience. Also they should force the home audience to wear stupid costumes too. The show's most remembered for the contestants dressing up in silly costumes. By the way, the producers provided those costumes. I know it's hard to believe, but "Let's Make A Deal" was not a democracy! -- K. And there should be a weather balloon that suffocates anyone who tries to change the channel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gravity, the "channel of force" Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:20:39 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > You cant biuld ienstiens space dragger till you understand ienstiens > gravity. Dear Lowercase TJ, I would like to know more about this "Ienstien" fellow you keep mentioning. Could you please post his entire biography? I can't wait to learn everything you think you know about him. What shape was his hair? Did he have an evil twin? Did he like coconut? Also, did Ienstien throw his own space drag parties, or did he just go to Jakc Benny's? -- K. Did he talk funny? Funnier than you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 05:32:16 -0500 In alt.politics.kibo, soundweapon@cs.com wrote: > > Classified US Government Technology > > The United States government now has surveillance technology than can the man in the tan van with the golden "AN". The silly bee can drinky tea and > electronically see and hear through walls. Agents of the US government food stamp program make the stamps taste bad to confuse me when I eat them. I > can move into a neighboring house and conduct complete surveillance of the house's wallpaper in case the unicorns try to escape. My article can bore > you in your home completely without your knowledge. The agents will cut out unicorns with scissors and add them to my wallpaper to bug me, and > never have to enter your home and place bugs because all surveillance has become too cheap to meter. And thanks to modern technology, tattooing > is done electronically through the walls of your home. All your skin will soon be covered with unicorns to make you into wallpaper. Bowel > movements and conversations in your own home can be recorded and music videos can be released with unicorns singing the dirty parts, critically > analyzed without your knowledge. This technology in effect gives agents Thursday nights off to play paintball inside my head. Unicorns speak > of the US government X-ray vision and they can use it to see right into my nose whenever I am sleeping, but only if I'm lying down. I farted in > your bedroom. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FIRING TATTOOS FROM PAINTBALL GUN > This US government has also incorporated this technology into targeting K-Mart and walmarting Target. Wal-Mart's owned by giant germs that have micro > scopes that can identify and target a person through walls. This made my head explode. And then unicorns came out. A new mouthwash named > targeting scope combined with a high powered rifle can assassinate a human but only if they aren't already dead. I don't know how to kill a dead > person through walls. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT UNICORNS SPOTTED SHOPPING AT SEARS > This technology was developed to protect the national security of the Woodstock Nation, from bad vibes and two-horned unicorns, sneaking in from the > United States but has been illegally turned against innocent US Magazine readers who get too intimate with the scented perfume ads. Position > citizens by agents of the US government. Agents of the US government gave me a full-body tattoo that looks like a picture of me but stupid, and > are covertly working with local law enforcement to conduct illegal symphony orchestras playing pirated MP3s of clown music. K-Mart sells > surveillance of innocent US civilians. Citizens have no defense against the unicorns, clowns, and Sears that feed me bowls of paintballs and ignore > this technology. You may never know you're under surveillance and even numbers such as 4 seem less random than odd numbers such as 5. But > if you were made aware, there is nothing you can do about it. No numbers can be changed from even to odd even if a unicorn jumps over them. My > electronic detection equipment is available to detect the surveillance rays coming from Wal-Mart and redirect them to dumb down US Magazine, using > technology. If you're targeted, you're on your own because no one can of Campbell's soup contains more than one piece of beef, and if you eat it, God > help you. For more information, please visit the website listed below. http://www.google.com For even more information, please visit it twice. > Website: > http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/ > > > Soundweapon@cs.com > > > Please Note: Postings on newsgroups of this message are being removed from my brain through my nose with dirty pliers that unicorns have touched, > possibly by the government. Hundreds of newsgroup postings of this word --> "fumbucket" <-- have not yet happened. Any pieces of beef in this > message have been removed, sometimes within a few hours of initial letters being followed by entire words. Pile drivers are used to set > postings. Please copy this information and repost it in any appropriate Wal-Mart restroom, behind the pile of evil unicorns. I don't seem sane on any > newsgroup, including this one. Also, please send this information to me and pretend you wrote it, so I can be embarrassed for someone else. Call > any federal, state, local law enforcement, congress person, and senator and ask if their refrigerator is full of unicorns, or any other hairy critters > you know of. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET -- K. Why do I even waste my time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:01:08 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [snip Thompsonesque bilining] Hey, not only did you snip and tell, you made up a new term for it. I thought someone had already coined the term "wackylacing" for that. "Bilining" would be the act of coating the inside of something with bile, like the way Bizarro Pepto-Bismol works. The only one of Hunter S. Thompson's writings I've read all the way through was his last one, "Counselor". I don't know what the title of it was, but I admire the conciseness of its text. More authors should write in the one-word format. Especially Andy Rooney. Then maybe he'd be as cool as that guy who just said "Ayyyyy" over and over in the Fifties. What was his name? Oh yeah, Sonny Barger. "I don't like Hunter S. Thompson as a person. He's probably the greatest writer in the world. When he was with us on a run, we was going to fight the cops one day and he locked himself in the trunk of his car. That guy ain't my friend." -- Sonny Barger (in an interview with Paul DeRienzo) Sadly, none of the stores near me carry his brand of hot sauce. How come Hunter S. Thompson never had his own brand of hot sauce? More to the point, how come I don't? > > Why do I even waste my time? > > Because when you exert yourself, nobody does it better? Hmm, someday I should try exerting myself. > [I can snip too] > > Dave "because you like to track the news' propagation by the sound of > hysterical laughter and gasping for breath?" DeLaney Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". Suddenly my "delete" key is making weird "cleek!" noises whenever I hit it. Pardon me while I type some letters I can then erase to exercise my "delete" key: xxxxxxxxx okay all better bye. No wait, the funny noise came back. I'd better type some more x's I can erase: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Well, that's a little better. This is the keyboard that got installed for free when I brought the computer in for service to correct a design flaw in the motherboard and the computer came back with a note saying "UNIT IS DIRTY". If I ever have to get it serviced again, I'll smear peanut butter all over it to see how many replacement parts I get for free. Anyway, Dave, stop cleeking, you'll get brain damage and start posting things I'll have to wackyline or bilace. -- K. Headline I just saw: -> 18-INCH DOG SWALLOWS 16" STICK Poor Spot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: Classified US Government Technology) Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:06:47 -0500 "My Left Foot" (Sh@tmypants) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining > > in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". > > Hutchencising. And now that I've returned from the supermarket, I was just about to ask, "Which sexual fetish will automatically lead to murder on the Wil Wheaton episode of 'CSI' that I'm about to watch? They already did latex bondage, chubby chasers, furries, and adult babies..." Now we know: Wil Wheaton's criminal mayhem will involve wackylaced bilining but when someone calls it "Hutchencising" only George Eads's character will know what it means, and hearing the word will cause him to put a rubber glove over his head and start dancing around the office while laughing hysterically and grabbing his crotch, because for some reason he's playing a mental nine-year-old who does chemical analysis of gunshot residue for a living. I think they designated that character to be the show's expert on Internet slang because the actor obviously picked his last name just to get a job as spokesman for eAds.com. Hey, how come I'm not a lab worker on "CSI" too? I'm just as obnoxious as that guy. And I know words for new sexual fetishes before almost anyone else. -- K. Apparently nobody on a.r.k but me watches the "CSI:NY" spinoff because a couple weeks ago I expected to see about fifty simultaneous postings saying "Oh, so THAT'S where Seth Goldin went." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Green Couch and HGTV Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:22:59 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I keep seeing HGTV commercials for the new show 'Designed To Sell'. In > the living room that frightens people away is a one-person green chair. > > I used to own that chair. I hope they Febreezed it before they gave it to those people. > TV is insulting my decorating sense. Then you should turn off "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". Besides, you're not in the target demographic. -- K. CNN headline: "IKEA criticized for 'sexually biased' manuals" What, did someone find a penis on one of the stick figures? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tampa Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 17:02:43 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) said: > > > > 5) You can tell you are in the bad part of town not because of the > > houses, which look the same, but because of the guy with the giant > > fucking knife sticking out of his pants pocket. > > Please to tell me what sort of knife is used for fucking. I want to hear this too. > I have to know for, um, this night extension class I'm taking. Until then, you'll just have to make do with the same X-Acto knife you've been using on your bunions. I hope it doesn't turn out to be something weird you have to go to Williams-Sonoma to buy, like a lettuce knife or spaghetti knife or fudge knife. -- K. They should make a combination knife and spork called a knork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:13:25 -0500 (I know this first news story is two weeks old, but I missed it when it was new and someone at Fark.com just linked to it today. Then I did the further research and dug up the other two articles about this totally 'tupid topic. This is a highly important matter because it's so idiotic.) [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Qld Nationals to consider 'anti-junkie' vaccinations -> -> The Central Council of Queensland's National Party will -> consider a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies against -> drug addictions. -> -> One branch of the National Party is calling on the Federal -> Government to provide free "anti-junkie" vaccinations for -> children aged under 12 months. -> -> National Party member Ken Wilson says he expects strong -> support for the resolution. -> -> "We are a very family-orientated party," he said. -> -> "Anything that would preserve the party, and not bust it as -> the drugs will bust it, and we know only too well from TV, -> radio and the paper what the scourge of drugs are." How exactly is this supposed to work? If there were a "vaccine" that could protect against drugs (doubtful, as vaccines are for bacteria and viruses) it would still wear off before the kids were old enough to know where to buy heroin. And anti-addiction medication (Antabuse or whatever) would wear off in a day or two. If this guy is one of those politicians who proposes that the government should do imaginary fantasy impossible magic things because the government obviously has unlimited god-like powers, why doesn't he propose a better solution to the drug problem, such as a network of satellites that emit rays that turn all drugs into yummy candy, and turn all candy sugar-free, and make sugar-free stuff not taste awful? Or better yet, he could propose a time machine so that he can go back in time and stop drugs from ever being invented. [www.abc.net.au] => => Nationals 'anti-junkie' vaccinations plan bizarre: Beattie => => Queensland Premier Peter Beattie says the Nationals' proposal => to immunise children against addictions is crazy. => => The Central Council of Queensland's National Party is => considering a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies => against drug addictions. => => National Party member Ken Wilson says he expected strong => support for the resolution. But then Stanislaw Lem punched him in the face when he proposed it at the Futurological Congress. It didn't help that Mr. Wilson didn't use any of the many words Lem's translators made up when he mocked the stupidity of this idea in "The Futurological Congress" and "Return From The Stars" and about eight other novels. I oppose betrization, mascons, and wurches and zits. => But Mr Beattie says the proposal is "bizarre". => => "There is no other word you could describe it," he said. The other guy's word "crazy" seems to work just fine. Are you two going to get into a fight over whether "crazy" or "bizarre" is appropriate for this crazy, bizarre idea? => "It's the sort of nonsense that I thought any sort of => civilised society wouldn't have a party to. => => "I would urge the National Party to move away from it at a => million miles an hour." But drugs can move faster than that! They can chase you down and jump on you! Unless you had a shot when you were a baby! [news.com.au, reposted at tobacco.org] -> -> Babies could get anti-junkie jab -> -> CHILDREN could be injected with an "anti-junkie" vaccination -> being developed by drug companies under a radical plan to -> combat rising addiction. -> -> Under the plan, being considered by British MPs, Well, of course the British would be considering this. They probably want to give all the babies the Ludovico treatment. That would have the side effect of scratching enough babies' corneas that they'd never demand the National Health Service give them contact lenses. -> doctors would immunise at birth babies considered to be at -> risk of becoming nicotine or drug addicts. And how will they determine which babies are at risk of taking up smoking many years later? Phrenology! -> The injection would be similar to an inoculation for measles -> or mumps. ...except that those aren't supposed to block babies from growing up to enjoy things that other people found socially unacceptable many years before. I don't think anyone has ever complained they wanted to have lots of mumps, but I foresee lawsuits if these magical injections actually did have some effect involving permanently destroying someone's ability to have a certain type of pleasure. Especially since it would also probably make them unable to enjoy other things that might stimulate the same neurochemical receptors in the brain, such as hot sauce and pinball. WHEN ENDORPHINS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE SEX! -> Doctors believe the childhood jab would block the euphoric -> effects of drugs later in life, rendering useless narcotics -> such as heroin and cocaine. ...and presumably cocaine analogs such as novocaine, but that's okay, because British people never go to the dentist anyway. -> The vaccinations are expected to be on the market within two -> years. . . . -> -> "People could be vaccinated against drugs at birth as you are -> against measles," Professor David Nutt, a leading British -> government drugs adviser who sits on a national committee, said. Right now what I want is to be vaccinated against idiots. Is there a vaccine that can render all "social engineering" ineffective on babies, preventing them from being deprived of free will? And would you let Professor Nutt inject your baby with anything? I'm going to wait for Professor Handsome Einstein Genius McSmartypants. -> "You could say cocaine is more dangerous than measles, for -> example. It is important that there is a debate on this issue. There should be a vaccine that encourages lively debate! Quick, start injecting babies with Extract Of Jon Stewart! -> "This is a huge topic -- addiction and smoking are major -> causes of premature death." Yeah, just like auto accidents. Hey, we should give people vaccines that prevent them from having accidents. There should also be one that makes British people pay their TV license fees. And one that makes it impossible to play bagpipes. And one that prevents people from wearing clashing plaids. And one that makes them never need to poop. And one that makes everyone tell me what a work of genius my article is. -- K. I say we should strap all British politicians down and force them to watch "A Clockwork Orange". Also "Fight Club", because that's another great movie. And maybe "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island", just to show them how good the others were. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:04:34 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I am not dead, obviously, or maybe this is not so obvious to you. No, I > am alive, and although I haven't been posting to alt.religion.kibology, > I have been lurking the entire time I seemed to disappear. Perhaps I > gained the wisdom to only post when I know I have something worthwhile > to say. I simply don't feel like taking the time to type so much out. That's okay, since we were reading your mind the whole time. > HOWEVER, since everyone seems to enjoy my posts SO MUCH, I shall resume > my habitual posting. "Habitual" is another word for "I'm on drugs, whee!" so GET OFF THE GOOFBALLS, MAN. You can't use the Internet unless you're sober, otherwise you'll start buying things on eBay without realizing that the seller wants $20 shipping and handling for that bag of rubber bands. > The most unusual thing I saw in my sabbatical from alt.religion.kibology > was Kibo's serious post about homosexuality. It's wacky when Kibo posts > something serious, because he's Kibo, and he's wacky. Since being wacky > is normal, then being normal is wacky, in a normal, wacky kind of wacky > normal way! I am always serious, even when I'm being wacky. Did you think I was not being serious when I said that "Baby Geniuses 2" is a bad movie? Maybe you should rent it just so you can then get angry with me for not lying about how bad it sucks. > -- S. > Also, how does that virtual candy taste? Like electrons and ghost flesh. -- K. How does that Lemon Pledge taste? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:27:49 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > The stupid fukken Big 12 tournament is on tonight and has pre-empted > "CSI". I wanted to watch or tape Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", but > no. Can someone tape it for me please? I don't watch the show so you can > spoil away if you want. Well, see, it turns out that there's a surveillance camera that catches a photo of Wil from behind, and when the CSI lab uses computers to look at the other side of the photo, it turns out that he's wearing sunglasses, sunglasses retain a reflection of everything they were exposed to in the past 24 hours, and zooming in on the reflection yields a picture of a guy wearing a wedding band, and zooming in on the reflection of the crime scene in the wedding band shows evidence of tetrion particles, which, when fed through the primary-phased power systems via the lateral EPS conduits create a spatial inversion of futon energy, otherwise known as a "rip" or "tear" in the color spectrum, yielding a new color exactly halfway between orange and silver, and enlarging that color by a factor of one to the tenth power shows that its halftone dots are made up of DNA and they put a strand of DNA under the microscope and Grissom says "That DNA looks like it came from a bald man!" and they enlarge the DNA some more and it has barcoded serial numbers on it that, when looked up on the Internet, turn out to be a code meaning that Wil framed Shatner for the murder of records officer Finney. > I'm immune. But I want to see Wil. Stop misquoting "Brazil". The unintelligible line said by the incredibly awkward little girl, according to the script, is "Put it on, big boy, I won't look at your willy." > WIL WIL WIL DAMMIT WIL. Stop quoting Leni Riefenstahl! > Email me if you can tape it off for me tonight, I'll send you bu>< for > postage and the tape and maybe include some expired powdered treats while > I'm at it. > Thanks and stuff. I can make you a nice commercial-free tape from my TiVo, but my TiVo is a little sick so you may have to put up with Wil Wheaton periodically shimmering even when he's not being killed in a Transporter accident. I can also send you a box of VERY expired powdered treats that I wrapped up and wrote your address on about seven years ago before I got too lazy to mail it. -- K. I've seen too much TV. Please kill me. And leave some clever clues. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:51:36 -0500 [responding to three separate articles about Terri's ability to tell the puny human beings apart] Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > > No, no, no -- not normal: I've gone through to the otherside. I have > Hyper-Face-Recognition. Like, sometimes I watch an old movie and I see > some dude and say, hey, that looks like this modern-day-dude, and it > turns out they're related. THIS HAPPENS MUCH OF THE TIME. It makes > watching movies with me even more irritating than you might already > suspect. I'm that way with props. I was complaining about that thing where "those red lights keep going back and forth" before "Airplane II" rented it. I am very talented at recognizing abstract, useless objects. > Doesn't always work, though. Try as I might, I still can't see a > resemblence between Dr. Bashir and that Clockwork Orange guy. I had no idea he was Young Alex's nephew until you made me go look up trivia about "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" actors. Now I feel like a dork for knowing that, and like a different sort of dork for not having know that, so I'm simultaneously two types of dork, and you're mean for double-dorkusing me. > Thanks for calling me normal, though. No one's ever called me that > before. That's normal, too. People who are told all day "You're normal, you're very normal, you're so normal yes you are, normal normal normal" are usually in straitjackets. Even people who _are_ normal will go insane if you keep telling them that. Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I like anyone who makes me the center of attention. So you must get a lot of dates by answering those classified ads looking for photos models who want to do "artistic poses". Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow > > "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" > > Oh, big hairy deal. Like that doesn't happen to me every day already. I don't think you'd like to be welcomed to my everyday life every day. For one thing, you'd get my welcome mat dirty. For another, I don't even have a welcome mat (unless someone volunteers to pretend it's Seth Goldin.) Lastly, my everyday life is actually really boring. Like, I buy frozen chicken nuggets, I sort my clothes by letting gravity organize them on the floor, I have to remember that pink is the sponge for cleaning the sink and blue is the sponge for cleaning my jackets, and I just had an hour-long phone conversation about superballs. By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes of them in the mail. You don't realize how weird they smell until you have enough of them to pile up like cannonballs. Hmm, I hope I don't accidentally discover the secret of Ice-Nine -- if I made Ice-Nine out of a pile of superballs, it could turn the entire Earth into one big superball, and then _everything_ would smell like that. Ecch. I would throw them down the trash chute, but then everyone would complain about the "BOING! BOING! BOING!" noises lasting all night, especially if I dropped the superballs from the 20th floor where the terrorists used to live. -- K. Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not The Cat In The Hat (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:02:49 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with > > > ten pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > > then bounce them around the halls. Or down the stairs. Or in > > the street. Give them names and take them for walks. > > Worst Dr. Seuss book EVER! Oh, come on, I can pull a worse Dr. Seuss book out of my ass. Here we go: HORTON HEARS A SWEAR by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss Higgledly humbly bumbly wumbly, dinkus dunkus finkus wumpus, Horton picked his nose with his stupid finger. "What did you do?" screamed his monkey wife. "I dunno," said Horton, Figgledy diggedy Potsie. "OW!" screamed Potsie. "Stop fiddley-diddling me!" Horton said, "That's not what I said," and sat on Potsie, and now he's deadish. Wow, that sort of rhymed! I win! Flabbidy glabbidy giz wetwa wum-wum wamp, dugga digga dooba zooba flim-flam damp. Horton shot himself because he had yet to hear a swear. THE END Boobity bobbity flurgle-dee-dee, that was the end, definitely for you but not for me. I just made another thousand dollars. Dipple doople, woxwox slunch, gimme my money and go eat a frickin' Superball for dinner. Winnie the Pooh just exploded. Copyright (C) 2005 by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss CRITICISM OF THIS WORK IS NOT APPROVED AND ALL COMMENTS WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE LITIGATION. -- K. I'll defy the lawyers and reveal that the ghostwriter of that book was Harlan Ellison. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:51:29 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- K. > > > > Any good ideas > > for other > > ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > then bounce them around the halls. Hey, stop gluing my words together to make lumpy trapezoids with holes in the middle. I think I have enough superballs to make a sugar molecule, so I could throw it at someone and yell, "WATCH OUT! YOU MIGHT GET HURT BY THIS ONE DELICIOUS LITTLE SUGAR MOLECULE!" and then see whether they duck or swallow. > Or down the stairs. I'm saving that for when I have ten miles of Slinkys. > Or in the street. Boston's streets are 100% potholes. Those potholes are so deep that no superball can escape from them. > Give them names and take them for walks. No. -- K. And stop bouncing my formatting around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:24:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes > > of them in the mail. > > If no one else will do it, I will -- *WHY* did you get three boxes of > superballs in the mail? Because they wouldn't fit in envelopes? > > Any good ideas for > > other ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > How can you *not* make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? I could make spaghetti instead, but the meatballs would be a little chewy. > Or did they already get used to capture that crazy murderer guy in Atlanta? Okay, "superball fetish" can be next week's lethal perversion on "CSI". Some physics professor can be doing that demo where he puts a superball on top of a bowling ball and then drops them both onto someone's head so that the little superball on top goes shooting up way above where it was dropped from, and gets sucked into the intake of Air Force One and shredded and the CSI team can't find the evidence until they subpoena the President and they have to solve the crime in 24 hours because otherwise Jack Bauer will explode while Judd Hirsch feels the fabric on the seats of Air Force One and his sons go around arresting people for the crime of not liking math enough. Also Wil Wheaton gets to play a hippie that Jack Webb gives a meaningful lecture to. It's only by watching TV that we can learn to enjoy propaganda. Forgive me if I'm typing slowly, but my computer is sluggish right now because the little window that says "Mailing message to self." is barber-pole-ing on top of the little window that says "Checking mail for <>..." and this Self guy and his dominant partner are conspiring to eat up all my CPU cycles in an Olympic-quality race condition. -- K. The superballs with little tacos inside are cool, because I'm tired of tacos that shatter when I try to bounce them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 21:19:42 -0500 Well, Wil Wheaton's "CSI" episode (soon to be a rerun playing eight times a day on SpikeTV) has started, so I'm going to go grocery shopping while it records, because I figure that this intersection of "CSI" with Wil Wheaton will, for one brief hour, result in a supermarket which is nerd-free. (Until I get there, of course.) Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he was once on "Star Trek"! Remember how, after Lucille Ball's ninth attempt to imitate her original show failed, her comeback vehicle was a TV-movie where she played a filthy, insane homeless woman? And gay guys everywhere curled up into fetal positions and bawled, "That's not the Lucy I wanted! She's not a vivacious, zany screwball, she's a horrifying nutball!" I figure that after Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", there will be millions of nerds, dweebs, and dorks curled up into little balls, rocking back and forth, moaning "That's not Wesley! That's not Wesley! Please, Captain Picard, come into my TV and take Wil Wheaton back to 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and make more episodes with the entire original cast except for Whoopi Goldberg!" And now, live from Wesleylu Studios, it's THE LUCY/WESLEY COMEDY HOUR! (THEME MUSIC, VERY OUTER-SPACEY BUT WITH BONGOS) (LUCY AND WESLEY ARE IN THEIR QUARTERS. SHE IS PUTTING ON HER FUTURISTIC EYE MAKEUP, WHICH COMES IN A CHROME SALT SHAKER.) WESLEY Gosh, I'm so glad the Admiral promoted me to captain because he was so moved by my performance of "Space Babalu". And Lucy, I hereby promote you to ship's counselor. LUCY Wesley, I'm tired of being the ship's counselor. I want to be the chief engineer. WESLEY No, Lucy. You cannot be an engineer. First of all, you're a woman. LUCY (to herself, while facing the camera and speaking at full volume) I'll show him... I'll change into a different- colored shirt and sneak into Engineering through the ship's crawlspace and that'll make me an engineer. CUT TO: ENGINEERING DECK (CHIEF ENGINEER LAFORGE IS INDICATING THE ONLY BUTTON, TO AN ENSIGN.) LAFORGE Now remember, never push this button that releases the toxic antimatter suds. ENSIGN Yes, sir. (LUCY ENTERS) LUCY Mr. LaForge, Captain Wesley says he wants you to wash the outside of the ship. Here's a sponge. LAFORGE I see by your uniform that you're also the chief engineer. I guess that means you're in charge while I'm outside. Carry on. (EXITS) ENSIGN Your orders, ma'am? LUCY Get me some coffee and watch me push buttons! (SHE PUSHES THE BIG RED BUTTON. THE ROOM SLOWLY FILLS WITH SOAP SUDS WHILE THE ACTORS HOLD PERFECTLY STILL WAITING FOR LAUGHS.) ENSIGN The room is full of toxic antimatter suds! We're doomed! LUCY Oh, I wish I hadn't let Wesley talk me into this! (WESLEY ENTERS) WESLEY What's goin' on here, someone's got some 'splaining to do! Follow me to the 'Splaining Room! CUT TO: 'SPLAINING ROOM (REDRESS OF BRIEFING ROOM) (WESLEY AND LUCY STILL HAVE SOAP SUDS IN THEIR HAIR, BUT CURIOUSLY, THEIR CLOTHES ARE STILL PRISTINE.) WESLEY Lucy, I'm gonna fire you. Get into the torpedo tube. LUCY Waaaaaaaaaah, shazbot! (ALL BOW. CURTAIN.) WHOOPI GOLDBERG I was not in this episode. -- K. Soap suds are still funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:06:59 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several > > days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that > > an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he > > was once on "Star Trek"! > > You're talking about William Shatner, right? I think he proves an actor can play less than one role during his career. If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or if he just wandered onto the set. Yeah, I'm mean. But that's only because I've watched the DVDs of "Incubo" _and_ "Mind Meld" all the way through. I not only want my money back, I want everybody else's, and I want Shatner to make a new "Star Trek" episode with the entire original cast where the Klingons would force him to apologize for releasing "Mind Meld". Although, he was good in "Dodgeball". But Hasselhoff was better. -- K. So how come I'm not on "Star Trek" yet? I could play an Orkan. Nanooooo! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: William Shatner (was: I'm going to the supermarket now.) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:50:39 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would > > be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or > > if he just wandered onto the set. > > What if he played someone from the future *disguised* as a filthy, > drug-crazed bum, looking for loopholes in the Prime Directive? William Shatner disguised as a filthy, drug-crazed bum wouldn't fool anyone. He'd just be Filthy Shatner. Wil Wheaton in makeup as a filthy, drug-crazed bum was disturbingly non-Wheatonesque -- if I hadn't known he was going to be in that episode I wouldn't have recognized him (but of course I say that about 90% of the people I see.) Now, if _I_ disguised myself as a filthy, drug-crazed bum and travelled through time, fistfighting my way through the centuries getting my clothes dirtier and dirtier over the course of each episode but still having them magically turn back into clean clothes every time Lee Meriwether used the Time Tunnel to go all deus ex machina on my ass, that would be a rollicking roundhouse adventure to enlighten and entertain Middle America's entire nuclear family with explosive action, impulsive comedy, and expulsive laxative commercials between punch-outs. LOOK OUT! OUR VIKING SHIP IS GOING TO COLLIDE WITH THE TITANIC! QUICK, PUNCH SOMEONE AND JUMP INTO THE SHIFTING MAZE OF PAST AND FUTURE AGES! *swink* deedle deedle deedle deedle tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock IN COLOR!!!! -- K. I bet I could even get Robert Colbert to let me punch him out, provided I bribed him in the universal language -- dough-re-mi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: making "Sesame Street" relevant to today's kids, especially you Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:28:03 -0500 POST TO SCI.PHYSICS, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear everyone, NO THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MISSPELL "EVERYONE", MR. NOODLE!!! MISSPELL BETTER, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear evreywun, TELL EVERYONE YOUR THEORY, MR. NOODLE!!! I heartily endorse Einstein's Theory Of Relativity, YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, MR. NOODLE!!! HATE EINSTEIN, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a blockhead, BE MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a dodecahedronhead, NO, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a poopy-head, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a shitty poopy-head, YAY MR. NOODLE!!! and I am better because I am a genius. BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am way better because I am a super genius. YOU NEED TO BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am the King Of Science because I am an ultrasuper genius laserbrainiac. YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! YOU MADE YOURSELF LOOK SMART, MR. NOODLE!!! NOW POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "spellcheck") DON'T SPELLCHECK, MR. NOODLE!!! POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "post") (The computer gets up and starts dancing around the room in circles shouting "YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS! YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS!") YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! DO IT AGAIN, MR. NOODLE!!! REPOST OVER AND OVER, MR. NOODLE!!! -- K. NOW THROW ELMO INTO THE CHIPPER-SHREDDER, MR. NOODLE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:39:06 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Don't tell me if [Wil Wheaton] dies, but he's the crazy filthy > > druggie. Apparently he was pretty good in the part. > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize him, and I'm normally really > good at that game. Coolness. > > (I'm serious about being good at that game; I have the opposite of > whatever it is that Kibo has.) Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > (I am the opposite of Kibo in every way.) Then how come you watched the same show I did? You should have been watching "Bizarro CSI", over on UBS. That's the one where the cops find a guy who has never been the victim of any violent crimes, and then they use tweezers to insert bullets into his body, and then they use a computer that can magically reduce the resolution of any photograph. Also you have to eat nothing but cheese, and it better not be spicy. -- K. I could say something mean, but I won't, because that's what you'd expect. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:46:45 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize [Wil Wheaton], and I'm > > normally really good at that game. Coolness. > > Ditto. Even specifically looking for him, I wasn't sure at first that > it was Wil. I had to rerun his scenes a couple of times. (Plus there > wasn't anyone else who could've been him.) It didn't help that he had > about a minute and 20 seconds of total screen time, half of it in the > dark and all of it with his hair in his face. This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. Except then you might suffer the side effect of geeks asking you to settle bets as to whether Patrick Stewart's French accent is real. > I thought he did good, in any case. So will you be first in line for the Insane Wil Wheaton action figure? I hope it'll be scale-compatible with Boba Fett! -- K. If you like Wil Wheaton as a bad boy, there's a minute and twenty seconds of "Flubber" you should see. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:34:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put > > hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. > > I've got the hair thing going on already. It is considerably longer > than it was last spring, and it's in my face alla time. Plus I think > I didn't have it highlighted back then, but I can't remember. If you keep blonding your hair you're never going to be able to remember. You should make your hair some color that makes you smarter, like fluorescent orange. It makes me look so smart that people run away because they're worried that they'd look stupid if they were seen standing next to me. > Drugs, well, that's gonna be a little tougher. I just don't have the > connections I used to. I don't think Wil's character was a druggie > anyway, more likely schizo. I didn't say his _character_ was. Don't you know that, upon entering a studio, all actors automatically get hosed down with a mixture of angel dust and crank in order to get them to emote? They have to do this because California's air is always filled with a mixture of Ritalin and cough syrup vapor in order to keep the population so mellow that they don't realize their state is so totally weird. Look at it this way, you have to be on crack to enjoy watching TV, so of course the people who perform on it have to be on even stronger stuff. If you don't believe me, think about how many different uppers David Letterman is taking just to be able to talk to people for an hour. So of course it's only logical that they'd have to secretly drug all the actors on a show like "CSI" to get them to do stuff like touch corpses that are still breathing if you look closely so they must actually be zombies, eww. -- K. Wait, "blonding" isn't even a word... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: that's one ringy-dingy... on a teenie weenie... Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 00:40:17 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Doctors remove wedding ring from penis -> -> Romanian doctors have removed a man's wedding ring from his -> penis. -> -> The patient, who is married and has two children, told doctors -> he had a one night stand with another woman. -> -> He couldn't say how the ring got onto his penis but suspected -> the mistress wanted to embarrass him because he fell asleep -> during sex. "During" or "after"? This is important. Lesson learned: Always take off your wedding ring before cheating on your wife, especially if you have A TINY PENIS AND GROSS FAT FINGERS!!! I'd think that given how small and thug-fingered he is, he'd be too excited over actually having sex to doze off. -> Doctors said the man, from Rovinari, Jiu county, whose name -> was not revealed will recover after the incident. Unless his wife notices the big scar on his tiny penis. But what are the chances of that? -> They said it was not the first time they had to save people -> from embarrassing situations. -> -> In another case, a man came to hospital with his penis stuck -> in a cola bottle. However, Dr. Pepper came in a bottle, because... oh, never mind. You heard that one back in fourth grade. From the slow kid. -> "He looked like a very respectable person. We managed to -> remove the bottle without harming his sexual organ," a -> urologist told Opinia Oltenien newspaper. Are they putting Coke in mustard jars over there, or do they just have really tiny Romanian John Thomases? I can't imagine getting it on with a Coke bottle (three-liter, single serve, or other, they all take the same teensy bottlecaps.) I say we should redesign Coke bottles to discourage people from trying this. Like, there could be spring-loaded spikes that pop out inside the opening. Then to get the bottle off again, you'd need to use a special key to retract the spikes, and you could get it for free by sending in twenty-four bottle caps plus $19.95 shipping and it would arrive in four to six weeks. -- K. How come we never hear Ananova reporting on guys getting their penis stuck inside a Krazy Glue bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 06:50:50 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Man with two penises loses wife -> -> A German who persuaded doctors to give him a second penis has -> lost his wife after he showed her the result. But as they say, one in the hand is worth two in the bush. And I suppose it makes sense that somewhere there's a guy with an extra penis, to balance out the Universe in compensation for that guy who doesn't have one. You know who I mean. That guy you never heard of because he never accomplished anything because he doesn't have a penis. -> Biker Michael Gruber, 40, lost his original penis in a -> motorbike accident At last, I have a good excuse why I don't own a motorcycle! -> and doctors built him a second one using a mixture of skin, -> bone and other tissues from his own body. Um, it's not supposed to _actually_ have bone in it. You don't want it making knuckle-cracking noises, and you definitely don't want anyone breaking their teeth on it. -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born -> last year. -> -> But Gruber was still not happy and asked doctors to repeat the -> operation and build him a better organ, to which they agreed. Better! Faster! Stronger! The Six Million Deutschmark Penis! With his bionic penis, Steve Austin can pole vault over the Reichstag! But he still regrets the "faster" part. -> However, before removing the first penis doctors said they -> needed to make sure the new tissue transplant was a success, -> and had to leave the first penis in place. -> -> Dr Markus Kuentscher, a plastic surgeon at Berlin's Accident -> Hospital, said: "We left the old one attached until the new -> one is properly supplied with blood." -> -> But when Gruber showed his wife his double penis, she went -> home, packed her bags and left. Because obviously he was cheating on her. No man would need two simultaneous penises unless he was planning on having sex with two simultaneous sluts. I bet he ends his foreplay by shouting, "...AND NOW, IN STEREO!" -> From his hospital bed he said: "I've got two penises but no -> wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I -> will get her back." He could mail it to her just like Vinnie Van G did with his ear! There's no better way to prove your love than to give your penis to your gal so she can flush it. -> His testicles are intact and will be connected to what is -> actually his third penis when doctors are happy the operation -> was a success. And then he'll be chased out of Germany by torch-wielding villagers when they realize that, because he's been circumcised three times, he now has powers of Triple Jewishness. Germans will fear the his 27-candle menorah, his 18-pointed Star Of David, and his d12-shaped dreidel! They will be terrified he'll bake matzoh with 300% less leavening than regular matzoh! -> His story was this week featured on a German TV documentary -> called The Last Penis Operation. Promise? -- K. And now, the two-penis guy will get back on his motorcycle, then he'll crash again, this time into David Cronenberg's car. Two-penis guy will be unharmed, but Cronenberg will die moments after the crash when he drowns in his own jizz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 03:55:31 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > My dad had an uncomfortable stay in the hospital, back in the day when > he was a police officer. > > I don't remember what led to his stay in the hospital, save that it > was on the job, and involved a head injury (FUN!). > > So he woke up in the hospital only able to see from one eye because > half his head bandaged up. He was doing OK, until a nurse came in and > asked if he was the guy who had been in the motorcycle accident. > > Being mistaken for a guy who had been in a motorcycle accident made > him somewhat nervous. > > When another nurse mistook him for the guy who had been in a > motorcycle accident, he started to feel panicky. > > This kept happening throughout the night, making him worry more and > more about how badly hurt he actually was. He started to wonder if > maybe half of his head was still laying on a street somewhere. B > > He really lost it (his cool, not half of his head) when two more > people came in the room, and one asked if he was the guy who had been > in the motorcycle accident, and before Dad could reply, the other > person said "No, that guy died." And Dad started to holler "GET ME A > MIRROR! GET ME A MIRROR!" > > At this point I assume some sort of sedation was administered. If nothing else, maybe at least they swatted that stray B that made off with half his head. Was your father often mistaken for a biker in other contexts? I am, even though I don't have a giant beer belly or _any_ road rash. Also all my jackets still have their sleeves and my gloves have fingers. I bet if I went around yelling "GET ME A MIRROR!" there would be some interesting results. Especially if I had half my head bandaged. And was dressed like the Joker. Can you imagine how weird our lives would be if the laws of physics were just slightly different so that there was no such thing as a reflective surface? Until the invention of photography, everyone would think they looked like paintings. Except for poor people, who would think they looked like caricatures done at the mall. "GET ME A CARICATURIST!" -- has never been uttered in _this_ Universe. Poor Spot! A Gypsy cursed him to get more deformed every time he found out how deformed he was! And yet he was still drawn to mirrors even though every time he looked in one he ruined his face in an unpredictable new way. The compulsion was irresistible, especially since the Gypsy told him he could only break the curse by seeing what he looked like when he was asleep. -- K. Could've been worse, your father could have been mistaken for some clown in a unicycle accident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:10:34 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a Žcrit dans le message de news: > > > > [www.ananova.com] > > -> > > -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a > > -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born > > -> last year. > > I didn't know "Etienne" could be a boy's name. Those German people are > weird. Not as weird as the way French people insist that "Michelle" is a boy's name. It's all so confusing. Fortunately, here in the U.S., we know what genders all of our names are. Except for Chris. And Pat. And Jamie. It's only foreigners with weird names like Tinky Winky and Jean and Guy that confuse us. In France, "Jean" is a guy's name and "Gene" is a girl's name, and only certain guys are "Guy"! In Spain, they do things logically -- any names ending in "a" are girls, any named ending in "o" are guys, and any names ending in one of the other 24 letters are forbidden to be spoken. Finland solved the problem the opposite way -- all names end with "aakkaakkiikkaa" so nobody can even remember how to spell anyone else's name, let alone figure out whether they're a boy or a girl under the sweater and snow pants. Also, Oscar The Grouch used to be orangish-brown instead of slime green, before he had his color-change operation. -- K. If your name starts with "Gn" but is abbreviated "Cn", you may be an ancient Roman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 08:21:20 -0500 [cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> MILWAUKEE (AP) -- Odours associated with bowling traditionally -> include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But what about -> grape, amaretto and cherry? Those are fine smells, but the smell of vulcanized black rubber bowling balls just can't be beat. It's like being in a tire warehouse, but with smaller holes. -> One bowling ball manufacturer -- Storm Products Inc. -- is -> putting fruit and other popular scents into its mid-to -> high-end bowling balls, resulting in a steady increase in -> sales. More than half the bowlers on the Professional Bowlers -> Association tour last year used them, including four-time PBA -> champion Ryan Shafer. -> -> Shafer, who has a contract with Storm, said he may have won a -> match two years ago in Kansas City because an opponent was -> distracted by his black licorice-scented ball. Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma that would make other bowlers cry. -> "He asked me if I had to use that ball and I said, 'Yes, this -> ball is working' ... and I think that is why I won," he said. -> -> Storm Products' first scented balls -- green apple and citrus -- -> came out in the spring of 2000. Since then, the company has -> produced about 40 scents. The current scents are black cherry, -> chocolate, lemonade, plum, blueberry, grape, banana, cinnamon, -> orange, amaretto and cherry. I assume candlepin bowling balls will only be available in Tic Tac flavors. -> "It's just a real good feature of our equipment that gets the -> average consumer really hooked on our stuff," said Steve -> Kloempken, technical director for Storm Products Inc. ...which is also introducing a heroin-scented bowling ball! Oh, wait, Zippy The Pinhead already said "I want a bowling ball filled with drugs." Well, I guess now he can get one. -> These aren't balls you currently find in your corner bowling -> alley, but they're often in the bags of professional or league -> bowlers. -> -> Most scents can't be smelled until they are within five or -> eight centimetres of your nose, although some have stronger -> odours. Janeane Garofalo has a ball that smells like death. -> Brigham City, Utah-based Storm, the fourth-largest bowling -> ball manufacturer, has a patent pending on the scented balls, -> which cost $150 to $250 US. Yes, I know that's what the patent application fee for a form that says "DEAR GOVERNMENT I AND I ALONE INVENTED THE IDEA OF ADDING PERFUME TO ROUND THINGS", but how much do the balls cost? -> Storm's president and chief executive officer, Bill Chrisman, -> used to work with cleaners and knew that people associated scents -> with particular cleaners, so he decided to try it on bowling balls. Now he's just a filthy slob who no longer buys cleaners, but don't worry, he has a vanilla-scented bowling ball in every room in his house. -> The more popular fragrances, which are added in the liquid -> used to create the ball's 2.5-to 3.8-centimetre shell, include -> cherry, citrus and chocolate. The less popular fragrances include Bowling Alley Restroom Vomit, Rollaturd, and Mouse Died In The Thumb Hole. -> "We haven't found one yet that has lost its scent," Kloempken -> said. -> -> The company also is considering putting the scents in its -> lower-end balls that turn up in bowling alleys. Maybe they should also consider putting ADEQUATELY SIZED FINGER HOLES in some of them them. -> Neil Stremmel, research director for the United States Bowling -> Congress in Greendale, Wis., bowling's regulatory body, said -> most bowlers don't use the balls for scent or colour, but for -> their performance -- such as if they curve a certain way. -> -> But, "I like the smell of my grape ball," he said. THAT'S WHAT HITLER SAID! I'm sorry, was that too much? Although the jump-rope rhyme said he only had one ball, and that one was very small, historians do not agree on whether it was more like a grape or a raisin. -> "It's a secondary thing for the upper echelon or top bowlers," -> Stremmel said. "I could see newcomers or average bowlers, you -> know, getting into it for that reason because it's cool or -> they think somebody might think it's cool." BOWLING JUST GOT EVEN COOLER! AYYYYYYYY! -> The scents can help bowlers' concentration, since many bring -> the ball near their nose at the lane, Kloempken said. -> -> "It gets into a natural part of the routine for a lot of the -> bowlers," he said. "It gets them in a certain frame of mind." "Beer Frame Of Mind". I call country-western song title on that. -> Joe Cerar Jr., owner of Wisconsin's largest bowling retailer, -> Bowler's Pro Shop in Milwaukee, attests to that. Cerar said -> his peppermint-scented ball helped him last year when he -> competed in the PBA Senior Tournament. Yeah, he probably couldn't have won if he hadn't used a ball. He'd be just another mime swinging his arm through the air and then getting shoved out of the way by people who wanted to actually bowl on the lane. And in a fight between The World's Greatest Mime and a Serious Bowler, my money would be on the bowler, no matter how fruity his ball smelled. -> "I felt more calm and relaxed," he said. "I went from nervous -> to calm and I was smelling the peppermint." -> -> Cerar's shop has 15 different scented balls and he said the -> smell makes a difference when someone chooses between two -> balls of the same price. -> -> "On a fringe customer who is undecided, it's sometimes a -> determining factor," Cerar said. Fringe balls! Now there's another idea I could patent! They'd be like Kooshes except you could knock pins down with them instead of just throwing them back at Rosie O'Donnell! -> Two people, of thousands, have told him they wouldn't buy a -> ball because of the scent, he said. -> -> John Petroff, 46, of Milwaukee, was in the shop recently to -> order cinnamon-and amaretto-scented balls. He has 10 to 20 -> balls, which include cinnamon apple, wintergreen, blueberry -> and peppermint scents. -> -> He doesn't pick them just for their scent, he said, but that -> doesn't hurt. -> -> "The bag does smell better especially when you have four or -> five of them," Petroff said. I think we've found the perversion for next week's "CSI". A guy who can only be aroused by smelling a big pile of bowling balls. -- K. So, anyone want all these superballs I have? They've got New Car Scent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:51:20 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper > > into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma > > that would make other bowlers cry. > > [Article on scented bowling balls - snipped] > > The lawsuit from someone attempting to assemble a Carmen Miranda-like hat > out of scented bowling balls is inevitable. Tragically, the lawsuit could > be prevented if these idiots would only realize that you don't have to use > 16 pounders when making headwear out of bowling balls. They make featherweight hollow plastic ones that can be used to demonstrate proper technique without requiring the muscle exertion that would put your muscles into the position they'd have to be in while using the proper technique. The main customers for these fake bowling balls are people who make funny hats, and gym teachers who want to scare kids by tossing bowling balls at them during dodgeball matches. When I went to school, in New York, there was always half a semester where we had to go to the local bowling alley and bowl. When the teacher was explaining how to bowl, he'd always try to make the kids pay attention by chest-passing his fake ball at them. Nowadays, most bowling alleys have balls as light as 6 pounds for the kids and women to use. In my day, balls only went down to 10 pounds. I like to bowl with a 13, because nobody else uses a 13. (A 14 is a weight that gives me good control, but it gets me tired before the end of the second game, I can go at it a lot longer with a 12 or a 13. I may not have much muscle strength, but at least I'm not a gym teacher.) -- K. Also I want a clear ball with my old gym teacher's skull inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 22:52:56 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > True story: a co-worker of mine, who was a size 8 THE BITCH, came to > work ill one day because the night before, she had eaten two entire > Halloween bags of Milk Duds. It was the kind of bag that contained 50 > tiny boxes of about 3-5 Milk Duds each. She said she woke up in the > morning, surrounded by 100 tiny boxes and with a huge stomach ache. > I admired her so much. I still have some of those old Jar Jar-shaped lollipops if you want to try sending her on another exciting adventure involving potentially poisonous sticky candy that tastes like it came out of Jar Jar. I can imagine that if she went to the hospital with 500 Milk Duds fused together inside her, the X-ray of the bolus would make the Guinness Book under "World's Largest Superball". Hey, we could try feeding her superballs. Either that or just mail a couple boxes of them to her and see if _she_ can get rid of them. I bet she eats at least one of each color to see if they all taste the same. -- K. They're sugar-free! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:01:08 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > One of my best friends in high school used to complain about how hard > it was to find size 2 clothes. I told her to fatten up and she > wouldn't have that problem any more. I don't think that's what she > wanted from me, but it was exactly what I needed, right down to the > part about never complaining to me about her inability to find clothes > that fit her properly again. We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady from knowing how many inches around they really are. Men measure their shirts and pants in actual human inches, not "sizes". Though, curiously, hats are inches divided by pi. I guess that started back in the days when heads were perfectly circular. (I take a 7 3/4. The circumference of my head is 7 5/8 times pi, but for stiff hats I buy one size up because my brain is brain-shaped and not burger-shaped.) Apparently the lower half of my body is a nice Vitruvian square, because my pants are "32x32". 31x32 works too, but I gotta have room to breathe. -- K. My wrists are two different sizes, but when I buy leather gloves I usually just get XL ones because my hands are so big, so there's no chance of them being snug on either wrist anyway. Allegedly my glove size is 8 1/2, but there's no way I could fit into an 8 1/2 insulated leather glove. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:23:34 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. > > And, unfortunately, they have you by the, er, clothing, Good thing they don't put Velcro on women's clothing, or they'd never be able to escape. Women cannot break the iron grip of Velcro, which is almost as strong as men. > so get away with having -every single clothing manufacturer- label > them according to slightly different measurements, and some of the > manufacturers vary within their own product spaces. So "I wear a > size 8" _still_ doesn't mean anything without you take the measuring > tape and the ruler and do the measuring thing, or else try them on > one after another and get all depressed because -some- of the size 8s > are too small on you while others aren't. Yeah, and they don't tell the gals which dress goes with which purse. They should put Garanimals on them. Men know that everything goes with everything. > [...] > > Dave "I found much of this out years ago working for Talbots, and > have thought ever since it may be why guys shop for clothes in > five-minute intervals instead of three-hour ones" DeLaney It never takes me more than five minutes, 'cause they just don't have that many things at Wilson's, and they're all overpriced. -- K. And how come women who are "Size Zero" still have mass? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:16:45 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by > > the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches > > because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady > > from knowing how many inches around they really are. > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! Once upon a time, Liberace and Jack Benny and Oscar Wilde were sitting around deciding on whether "EE" or "C" would be the wide shoe, and they laughed and laughed. Actually, it was more "tee-hee" than real laughing, but you know what I mean. > What kind of idiots would we be to take measuring tapes to all our > clothes just to make you happy? Sensible, pragmatic idiots who want things to fit correctly? > You don't even like gurlz any more and we are not going out of our > way for you, bucko. You'll either figure out what we mean when we > tell you what the manufacturers have already figured out for us or > you'll measure the clothes for yourself. So what height are all the "size 2" women in the world? I mean, my clothes all have height and width, but women's clothes just seem to want to know whether or not you're fat. I know all women are shorter than all men, but I had no idea you were all the same height. > If our dogs don't bite you in the ass before you can get to the > closets, anyway. Every dog I have ever had will go straight for > the leather shoes every time, so I assume they would love a whole > leather outfit. I know a really nice tricolor border collie who always wants to lick my clothes. He doesn't bite 'em because he's a good dog. He's really submissive and likes nothing better than to wait for you to throw the ball. He's decided to structure his personality around doing whatever he thinks will make the humans happy, and he's been trained that humans give him approval when he fetches the ball, so he never gets tired of fetching, or even by sitting at your feet staring fixedly at the ball waiting for you to throw it in a few hours. Trust me, he loves leather but no way would he bite me. So you raise bad dogs, huh? -- K. I bet your dogs don't even know the perimeter of the scalene triangle Kevin's dog walks him around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:35:48 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they > > allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. > > You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! > > Oh, I don't know. I think the men who don't like women are > responsible for the great colors, shapes and fashions. It is the > marketing/management guys who do the whole size thing and they must be > men who like women because everyone knows you can't have gay men in > positions of power or authority or in any position to try to figure > out what real people like or are willing to pay for. I said "sissies", not "gay men". Half of the gay men I know are very good at getting people to confess what they like and how much they'd be willing to pay for it. (The other half are the ones they practice on.) The thing is, you want the sissies in charge of designing poofy dresses and you want the butch ones in charge of hurting the shoplifters. You could do it the other way around, but then you wouldn't need _any_ sissies to be the security guards, because nobody would bother trying to steal any of the hundreds of identical, solid black rectangular dresses that bolt onto your body with a motorcycle wrench. Sheesh, wimmin. Ever notice that women can shop for up to 50,000 identical shades of red lipstick but men don't have any need for lipstick? This is because if men wanted each others' lips to look bloody, we know the way knuckles work. -- K. Women shave their legs, while real men never shave anything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.fan.warlord,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Seaquest DVD ? Followup-To: alt.tv.seaquest Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:45:01 -0500 In alt.tv.seaquest, "primus16" (primus1631037@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anyone know if and when it might be released in season box sets on DVD . I > have the series on tape that I recorded off tv but some of the tapes are > degrading with age. http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/newsbyshow.cfm?ShowName=S&StartRow=1 would be a good place to look for news of an upcoming release if one were scheduled, but one isn't. Last I heard, Roy Scheider had a dozen sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest and was threatening to blow up Universal Studios if he ever saw a "seaQuest" DVD. > -- > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > > Primus16 ( south Ga. U.S.A.) > The Sky Is Not The Limit , Nor Are The Stars. > Upward & Onward Higher & Higher Beyond All Dimensions > Look There And You Will See Me. > > Sky links" The best achievements are worth repeating". > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW Those piranhas look pretty sick. I don't think that those two tiny acupuncture needles will be enough to cure them. I suppose if I told my computer to display articles in Arial instead of a fixed-pitch font, they'd probably turn into something else, like a pair of upside-down Bart Simpsons with four ears each, and the needles would get all stubby, but then nobody else's articles would line up, so I won't bother. -- K. And now, I will sign off with a small picture of Darwin The Dolphin, in the new Mangle-Proof(TM) picture format developed by NASA! space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe space space space octothorpe star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space space octothorpe star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space octothorpe star star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star star star octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang star bang star bang star octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space space space space hyphen hyphen return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang star bang star bang star bang star bang star bang octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space space slash underscore return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space slash slash underscore underscore return space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe slash slash slash space space backslash return space space space backslash space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space underscore backslash space space space space octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe return space space space space backslash backslash space space octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space underscore underscore underscore backslash backslash octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space slash space space space backslash octothorpe bang bang bang dot octothorpe space space space space space space space star star star star star space octothorpe space space space space space star star star space space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot dot star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot octothorpe space space space space space space space space star star star space space space octothorpe space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe star star dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space space space space space star star star star star space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space space star star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe return space space space octothorpe bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot star star star star star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot octothorpe dot dot bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot octothorpe dot bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space octothorpe bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe star star bang bang star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang star star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star bang bang bang bang star star star bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star bang bang bang bang bang star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star bang bang star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star bang bang bang bang bang star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe schwa backspace star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe bang star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang star octothorpe bang bang star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star star bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang star star octothorpe return space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe nerd nerd nerd nerd ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: George Michael (and not the one who likes blowjobs) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 00:52:16 -0500 Okay, after all these years, it's time for the "Sports Non-Event" TV show "George Michael Sports Machine" to go. I will award an imaginary box of pretend Virtual Candy to the person who writes the best story about "George Michael _____________ Machine". You write the comedy! Note: There will be secret bonus points if whatever type of machine it is mangles Spot, and there will be double secret point deductions if the story uses the word "Wham!" So get to it. Start writing. George Michael Pasta Machine, George Michael Back-Shaving Machine, George Michael Stupidity Machine, George Michael Boiling Gunge Machine, George Michael Fart Machine, whatever. -- K. I bet this show seemed a lot cooler back in the 1940s. WOW GEORGE MICHAEL'S FUTURISTIC MACHINE IS A BIG BOX WITH A SCREEN ON THE FRONT AND THE PICTURES MOVE!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Now that's what I call disturbing. Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 07:50:05 -0500 So I decided to watch a double feature of the Criterion DVDs of Suzuki's "Tokyo Drifter" and "Branded To Kill" tonight, and "Branded To Kill" left me all, "Wow, that just smacked me around the room real good, and that film reminded me that I still need to watch the DVD of 'Un Chien Andalou'", so I watched "Un Chien Andalou" for the first time in many years and I was all "Oh, look, he cut up an eye, like I haven't seen that in eighty-three movies already, and oh, look, ants coming out of stigmata just like every episode of 'CSI', and oh, look, Jodie Foster's had her mouth replaced by a death's head moth, ho hum la de da it must have been so easy to be surreal back in the silent-movie era, yawn" and then I poked through the DVD extras and yes, I even watched the one everyone says Criterion shouldn't have included, namely the vanity portfolio of artwork by whoever they hired to design the DVD box's insert, and when I got to the screen listing some of their design clients a name jumped out at me and I yelled "AUGH! IAIN SINCLAIR!" but I don't know whether they mean the British novelist or the transistor radio designer or the Australian guy who created alt.religion.kibology back in 1991 so now I have to admit, yes, I was shocked by something on the "Un Chien Andalou" DVD but I don't know how Salvador Dali' managed to sneak a prominent Kibologist's name into the filler that justifies the company charging a dollar a minute for a DVD of a flickery, badly decomposed 17-minute film. And that's how I spent my summer vacation except it all happened tonight. The End. -- K. "Branded To Kill" may have broken my TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: shoplifting leads to gunge Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:32:51 -0500 [www.news24.com] -> -> Man beaten, painted red -> -> M Taunyane and C Kgosana -> -> Johannesburg -- A young man accused of stealing a bottle of brandy -> was admitted to hospital after being beaten and red paint poured -> over his naked body. Dear newspaper publisher: You should fire the editor for not giving this a headline with the obligatory newspaper headline pun about the man being "caught red-handed". Wait a minute, this is a South African newspaper. So instead the editor should be fired for not making the obligatory newspaper headline pun about the man being "colored". -> Vusi Tosche, 21, said he went to Robby's Liquor Store in Hillbrow, -> Johanneburg on Saturday to compare prices as he wanted to buy some -> alcohol to take to a friend's birthday party. -> -> Tosche said: "I was just holding a bottle of Klipdrift when a -> security guard approached me." From the producers of "Backdraft", it's "Klipdrift"! An exciting movie where firemen who then became office managers are trying to keep any of their paper clips from wandering into the next office! "Hey, don't go out the door with that printout -- it's got one of my paper clips on it!" Remember, kids, Wirey The Owl says, "Only YOU can prevent Clip Drift!" -> The security guard took Tosche to a storeroom at the back of the -> bottlestore and left him there while he went to call the owner. -> -> "The owner came in with a bottle of cane spirit, which he forced me -> to drink. I was unable to drink it all, so they forced my mouth open -> and poured it down my throat." -> -> Tosche said he was threatened with torture if he didn't finish the -> bottle. -> -> "But I couldn't finish it. I drank half of it." He was then ordered -> to undress. -> -> "The owner left the storeroom and came back with a five-litre can of -> wall paint. He told one of his employees to paint me," he said. Sure, many kinky store owners have a kinky fetish for tying up shoplifters, stripping them naked, and bodypainting them. But WIMPY kinky store owners just tell their employees to do it. Never steal anything from any liquor store where the owner gets a woody whenever he sees a Sherwin-Williams sign. -> The employee poured the can of paint over Tosche. -> -> "After painting me they beat me with a steel rod." "I'm gonna bar you from my store, and then I'm gonna rebar you!" -> When City Press arrived at the police station -- after the police -> had been called to a nearby restaurant where Tosche had fled -- -> he was covered in a black plastic bag and his body showed evident -> signs of a beating. -> -> Tosche said that after the beating he asked for his clothes but the -> owner chased him away. -> -> In the charge office, Tosche told City Press: "As I ran away naked -> from the store, they followed and continued beating me." -> -> The restaurant staff called the police and only when they arrived -> did the bottlestore owner bring his clothes. Never mind that. What we really want to know is: Were all the clocks in the store set to "4:20" to clue us in to the fact that Quentin Tarantino accidentally made an entire movie while stoned? -> Tosche was taken to the Hillbrow Hospital. -> -> The bottlestore owner was arrested. -> -> Hillbrow police spokesperson Constable Mduduzi Zondo said the -> bottlestore owner was charged with assault with intent to do -> grievous bodily harm and causing public indecency. He will appear -> in court on Monday. Never mind that. Bring out Uma Thurman to make the pun about "ketchup". -- K. You get five liters to a can in South Africa? Here it's less than four. I feel cheated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:43:42 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I know this is a simple question, but I'm a math bozo. > > Every night I walk my dog around the perimeter of some large man-made > basins; they're there to catch run-off from the foothills in the event > of flooding, but that's not important right now. My route is roughly > in the shape of the scalene triangle shown on this page: > > http://regentsprep.org/Regents/math/triang/LTriangle.htm > > From C to B is 3/10 of a mile. From A to C is 2.5/10 of a mile. So how > far is it from A to B? > > Candy for the nurd with the first CORRECT answer. Nobody gets candy because Not Enough Information Was Given. If we knew at least one angle (i.e. if it was a right triangle and not a scalene one), or if we knew the length of the third side, some simple trigonometry would let us make you look like a math bozo. Just give us an angle, or tell us the length of the third side, and then we can tell you how long that third side is. But by knowing only two sides and no angles, all we can say is that the distance from A to B has to be less than A-to-C-plus-C-to-B, but greater than zero, unless we're dealing with a degenerate case, you pervert. Your homework is to measure at least one of the angles. If you have a compass, face each path at your favorite corner and note the deviation from magnetic north, you deviated prevert. If it's the angle at C, then we can use side-angle-side (SAS), but if it's one of the other angles, then we'll cram your ASS into SOCATOA. -- K. What color is the dog? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:46:18 -0500 TMG@Nowhere.org wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > Every night I walk my dog around the perimeter of some large man-made > > > basins; they're there to catch run-off from the foothills in the event > > > of flooding, but that's not important right now. My route is roughly > > > in the shape of the scalene triangle shown on this page: > > > > > > http://regentsprep.org/Regents/math/triang/LTriangle.htm > > > > > > From C to B is 3/10 of a mile. From A to C is 2.5/10 of a mile. So how > > > far is it from A to B? > > > > Did none of you bother to -look at- the triangle he said it was > > in the shape of, and see what that angle might look like? He -gave- > > you an angle; he just mimed it, instead of typing it. > > Sorry - I was miming the answer. It was something between 0 and infinity > and my fingers got tangled. > > Feel free to type a different answer, I'll sign it into ASL for those > following at home. First off, Kevin said "roughly". So not only did he imply the diagram was inaccurate, he wanted us to smack him around. Secondly, from my measurements of that diagram, side BC is about 25% longer than side AC, while Kevin said his BC is 20% longer than AC. Therefore, not only is he lying to us about what shape his triangle is, he lied about the size. I refuse to believe that that little pink-and-blue triangle is 3/10 of a mile wide -- looks more like about an inch. David, which side of the triangle is the angle of the Subway "old cut" and which side is the "new cut", and why is the meat blue? I thought that was just at Arby's. -- K. I want to see a video of Kevin making one of those 135-degree turns. Does he do it in the approved Chuck Jones manner (by skidding around the corner on one heel with the other leg sticking straight out) or does he halt and pirouette? Which sound effect does he get -- "bongo run" or "wacky slide whistle #7"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear kibologicalated conputter ekspurt type person Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:05:58 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I been having troubles with my avg antivirus program. It isn't playing nice > with my system. It made a windows protection error. when my thing boots up > it stops after the msmouse.vxd shows on the screen during a stepbystep > confirmation bootup. I know it is avg doing it because i dont have that > problem after i remove it. I like avg and want to keep using it but help me > make it act right. Then try removing everything from your computer except your average antivirus program. If it conflicts with Windows, then one of the two has to go. Have you considered OS/2? > -phy (also Deadwood is a cool tv show) That's the one that claims to have a character called "the Gimp", right? Such a disappointment. -- K. I use an operating system which is not only immune to viruses, but which is so old you can't even buy anti-virus software for it, so it's a win-win situation for me, especially since I wrote all those viruses that are eating your computer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:01:56 -0500 Dean Lenort suggested I take this article apart: [http://redmondmag.com/reviews/article.asp?EditorialsID=486] -> -> Passfaces: Face in the Crowd -> -> Passfaces authenticates users by having them recognize faces instead -> of remembering passwords. -> -> September 2004 : by Rick A. Butler -> -> Passwords are the de facto standard for user authentication these -> days. Good passwords are not easily broken through methods like -> dictionary attacks, social engineering, or the "man-in-the-middle." -> To stay ahead of these types of attacks, we devise longer, more -> complex passwords, but they often end up becoming cumbersome, -> counterproductive, and even insecure in the long run. -> -> If a password is too complex to remember, a user will invariably -> write it down. Users often lose passwords as well, which prevents -> them from logging on until IT intervenes. And they lose passwords only because bozos keep telling them they must never write them down! Look, writing down a password is not a security risk for most users -- if I have a password in a desk drawer at my office, then only someone who is in my office can get that password, and basically anyone who's got physical access to said office already has about 20 other ways of taking my computer apart. The only thing wrong with passwords is that they result in people being subjected to lectures about Proper Password Management. Don't write it down! Change it every week! Hit yourself over the head so that even you don't remember it, in case the terrorists torture you! -> Passfaces, from Maryland-based RealUser, takes a decidedly different -> approach to authentication. Coming in two flavors, one for Active -> Directory and one for Web servers, Passfaces uses facial recognition -> to verify a user's authenticity. The concept is based on cognitive -> authentication, or verifying something you know. How is this -> different from entering a password? While it derives from the same -> family of authenticators, Passfaces leverages the mind's inherent -> ability to recognize faces, which is easier than remembering a -> random string of numbers. That's because not everyone can remember their own phone number, but everyone can automatically recognize random faces, just like how everyone can see colors, hear sounds, walk, or have a penis. This moronic "Passfaces" idea is discussed in my new book, "The Software Company That Mistook 'The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat' For Something That They Didn't Read Because They Didn't Know What It Was." Almost everyone can remember their own phone number, because that phone number is more important to them than a password (even though they don't get to choose the phone number the way they do with some passwords.) For the people who have memory trouble, they can write the password down, and the rest of them can go around lecturing people how YOU SHOULD NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN!!!!! But what are face-blind -- or REALLY blind -- people supposed to do about this stupid software that turns logging in into a wacky picture-clicking game while simultaneously making it less fun? The assumption is that if you can use the spreadsheet or E-mail program at the office, you can probably work with letters and numbers. Requiring people to pass tests of arbitrary neurological functions in order to be allowed to type a memo is pretty silly. And I don't just say this as someone who's largely face-blind, I say it as someone who's not stupid. -> Here's how it works: The program introduces the user to a grid of -> nine faces, from which he picks one to remember. He is then -> presented with another grid of nine faces and so on, depending on -> the number of faces the user is required to recall to complete -> authentication. By selecting faces as opposed to remembering -> passwords, users are far less prone to losing or forgetting their -> logon credentials, even if they're rarely used. The mind has an -> uncanny ability to remember faces. How often have you said, "I know -> that face, I just forget the name." Never. About as often as a color-blind person says, "I know exactly what red looks like, I just forget what its name is." -> For IT administrators, installing and configuring the software is -> relatively painless. Install it on your domain controllers and the -> clients that need to log in. There was one slight snag during set -> up. Users need to be able to edit their own account container in AD, -> so you're going to have to bestow write access on SELF in the ACL. -> (There's a tool in the bundle to do this automatically). Oh, shut up. Tell you what, install the missing parts of my brain and then I'll tell you how painless it was. -> Once installed, the software runs very cleanly. Passfaces acts as a -> supplemental authentication system, storing its hash in the User -> Comment field. Should you want to use a different attribute in AD to -> store this hash, you'll need to get a customized version of -> Passfaces. I particularly like the software licensing arrangement. -> You purchase by the user, not by client installed. "I particularly like the software licensing arrangement." is one of those sentences you just don't hear often enough, ranking right up there with "Gee, that was a delightful harmonica serenade," and "Wow, your ear wax tastes terrific." -> Passfaces is easy to use, so much so that I went through the -> Passfaces training procedure with my five-year-old daughter, -> selecting and training her to find the five faces which would let -> her logon to a system. She completed the process with no effort at -> all. The product relies on the human brain's ability for pattern -> recognition, as opposed to remembering a sequential string of -> characters. What other type of string of characters could there be besides "sequential"? Hmm, I suppose you could tie the two ends together to make a circular string of characters. Quick, someone patent that as long as we're talking about bad ideas for new types of passwords. -> Passfaces doesn't completely replace the need for a password, as -> users are still required to provide a password in order to reach the -> initial Passfaces logon exchanges. DOIPY DURP DURP LURPITY DURRRRRR NUR NUR DUR DURP DOIP DOOOOOOORP DUHHHHHH!!! So fucking brilliant, these software designers. They're coming up with computer interfaces less realistic than the ones you see on "Walker, Texas Ranger". -> Since there is an additional level of authentication though, -> you may not need complex passwords. How about a lock on the front door of the building? Or is that so twentieth-century? I guess now it would have to be something with a force field and phaser beams and a robot that can say "THE INTRUDER WILL NOW BE DISINTEGRATED!" -> The biggest downer with Passfaces is that if you have a password -> complexity policy in place, you have to configure and use Passfaces -> to comply with that policy. Networks like governmental systems -> require a complex password policy to pass the accreditation -> procedure for Information Assurance. Passfaces only uses 4-bits per -> face, meaning it would take 16 faces to meet the equivalent of the -> eight-character password. Um, no, someone writing under your name already said it shows nine faces per screen, which may indeed be greater than 3 bits, but it's still considerably closer to 3 than to 4. Approximately 3.169925, according to my primitive calculator that requires me to use letters and numbers to communicate with it. Hopefully someday they'll replace it with one where you push Elmo to do base 2 logarithm, and Bert to do a cube root, and Cookie Monster to see Elmo and Bert dance... -> Passfaces replaces the aggravation of remembering complex -> alphanumeric passwords with a more intuitive approach -- No, it's a more UNtuitive approach. It's insulting to the intelligence of the typical person, it's useless to the blind or the face-blind, and worst of all, it's not as secure as an actual password. The point of having passwords is that YOU HAVE TO HAVE PASSWORDS. If you replace the password with "to log in, you have to do a backflip, say three Hail Marys, stick your finger in the hole, and eat a peach!" that's not as good because IT'S NOT A PASSWORD. We communicate with people by using words. Words have the a higher information content than, say, flapping your arms. This is why for applications that require a high degree of information communicated with little effort, typing a word in one second gets across more bits of data than an hour of flapping your arms and clucking like a chicken could. Of course, it might be funny to trick office managers into installing software that tells their employees to do that, but that doesn't make it logical. One of the main features of real passwords is that, because they can be communicated by typing, they're not displayed on the screen, and can be typed so fast you won't be able to correctly observe what someone's fingers are doing when they type "ty!99wox". On the other hand, if you logged in by clicking "redhead, fathead, zitface, bear, hooker eye makeup" then anyone looking over your shoulder could see exactly what you were doing. You can also communicate passwords to your users by distributing them through normal human communication means -- by writing them down or saying "tee, why, bang, ninety-nine wox" on the phone, but it's a little harder to do that with a series of faces, unless the program's library of a large number of faces includes one and only one redhead, one and only one fathead, one and only one zitface, and so on. Hey, here's an idea -- all the faces could be movie stars! And then you could teach someone their "passface" by telling them "Benny Hill, Morgan Fairchild, Sting!" And they could prove to the computer that they knew this "passface" by typing those names in! And for conciseness they'd just have to type the initials of each name! And that abbreviation could be called A PASSWORD! -> a bonus on lower security networks that need a bit more clamping -> down. Most networks should be clamped down with some large brass clamp that fits over whatever computer has administrative access to the network, to keep anyone from installing stupid software like "Passfaces". -> If you have a complex password environment already, you're going -> to have to relax your security policies (if you can) to implement -> Passfaces, otherwise the tool could potentially become a burden -> on your domain. YOU MUST RELAX YOUR SECURITY POLICIES TO IMPLEMENT "PASSFACES"! IF YOU DON'T IMPLEMENT "PASSFACES" YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL FOR NOT HAVING TRENDY WEIRD PASSWORD MANAGEMENT SOFTWARE WHICH MUST BE GOOD BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFULLY USING FOR YEARS! IT MUST BE GOOD BECAUSE IT SOLVES A PROBLEM WHICH DOESN'T EVEN EXIST! -> Rick A. Butler, MCSE+I, is a Senior Network Engineer for SI -> International. When not doing something with computers, he's reading -> something, writing something, perfecting his foosball game, or -> deciding the fate of monsters with the roll of a 20-sided die. You -> can contact Rick about "Face in the Crowd" at mcpmagrick@adelphia.net. I'm sorry, but that would involve remembering how to type "mcpmagrick@adelphia.net", and therefore it's not cool. Wake me when I can send an E-mail just by using my mouse to move my arrow to the picture of the button that will shake the big box of faces until the one that looks like he wrote an article fawning over some stupid press release floats to the top. -- K. "I'm sorry, but I can no longer use 'Passfaces', because it looks like a blank screen -- I just went bozoware-blind."