From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Keywords: Holland, sex, police, helicopter, gunpoint, oops, haw haw Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:34:06 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Police blunder into sex game -> -> Police trying to foil a kidnapping in Holland found they had -> instead blundered into an elaborate sex game. I didn't think the police had any jurisdiction over sex games. The official rulebook published by the Sex Game League says that only the game's Dungeon Master can -- wait, someone switched my sex book with a "Dungeons & Dragons" book. I wish I hadn't relied on this book all these years without noticing. -> Passers-by called police after seeing a young blonde woman -> being bundled into the back of a van in Brunssum. -> -> Three men had roughly manhandled the struggling woman who was -> handcuffed, blindfolded, gagged and staggering on high heels -> in fishnet stockings. -> -> Police scrambled a helicopter, motorbikes and squad cars -- -> 22 officers in all -- and tracked the van to the city of Heerlen -> some 20 miles away. -> -> There was a dramatic chase which ended in a police road block and -> the men being ordered to lie face down at gunpoint on the road. -> -> Two of them were only half dressed and police feared the woman -> had been raped in the back of the van. -> -> But when they untied her and took her gag off, she reportedly -> screamed: "You stupid b******s! I've been trying to set this -> up for months! And now you've ruined it, just when it was -> getting interesting!" Months? I was under the impression that if you were a woman it didn't take all that long to convince men that they and their friends could put on ski masks, throw you into the back of their van, and have their way with you. Other than getting the guys to agree to do this and reserving a van from Rent-A-Wreck, how much set-up is involved? Sex isn't like that thing where you can only balance an egg on end during the vernal equinox. Sex is possible any time you've got a van and a ski mask. -> The three male occupants, aged 36, 39 and 58 and all from -> Heerlen, were freed. Hmm. I wonder which of these three is her lover -- did her middle-aged lover hire two strapping young goons and thus risk making himself look bad, or did her thirtysomething lover just hire one guy his own age before Uncle Frank insisted on tagging along? -> "We ascertained no crime was committed because this was a -> sexual fantasy that the 'victim' set up and was a willing -> participant in," said a police spokesman. -> -> "We advised her next time to arrange to be kidnapped in her -> own home." Oh, come on. Having sex in your _own_ home is hardly erotic. Especially in Holland, where there are giant naked orgies in the middle of the street every day. Holland is the homeland of sex. -- K. Can't wait to see this on "World's Wildest Police Videos", even if I have to see Sherriff John Bunnell's giant plastic teeth again. Come to think of it, it would be better to travel back in time with this news story so it could be on "SCTV" instead. With Juul Haalmeyer as the best-looking of the Dutch guys. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:48:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So now I just have to bump off Stacia. > > This is making me rethink my planned St Patty's Day festivities: show up > at Kibo's house with Scrabble in one hand and a gallon jug of hot sauce in > the other. You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. Well, if you change your mind, you know I'll be at home on St. Patrick's Day. It's not as if I'd be marching in any parades. We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. -- K. I buy the cheap paintballs which smell like the fish gelatin they're made from. I use the cheap ones because they're stiffer and less likely to rupture when I load one onto the point of my crossbow bolt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:07:22 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. > > > > We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. > > Near some large 6-foot-deep holes that are conveniently body-shaped? > No thank you. Not *again*. 6 foot deep? Not so shallow, missy. Remember that "seaQuest" episode where the submarine accidentally fell clear through the Earth's mantle? And giant laser-breathing worms chased the submarine around? I know the vacant lot where they filmed that episode. The hole's still there. In fact, I think Roy Scheider's still in it. He says to tell you he's so lonely, he doesn't even have his Oscar for company. > I suppose I could spend my faux St Patty's Day the way I initially > intended, trying to fight the college drunkards in Aggieville while I > check out the gourmet food store with the huge selection of hot sauces. > For some reason the St Pat's Day celebration is the 12th, which seems real > early this year. The big parade is on the 20th here. So if we celebrate both, that can be a full eight days of drinking, vomiting, and those awful green slime milkshakes from McDonalds. Personally, I plan to wait for a day when I can celebrate my Welsh heritage. It would be a day when I'd go around making bets I planned to lose and never pay up. Also, on that day, McDonalds would have to sell McShakes that looked like coal. > I recently took a wine and food class and Jeff the instructor warned us > that he started St Patty's Day festivities early, like 6:30. In the > morning. So I might do some Jeff spotting while in Aggieville, maybe > fondle a few hot sauce bottles, while staying the hell away from forests > and men in lots of leather. You're not fun when you're not openly inviting me to kill you. -- K. Your move! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 01:04:08 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't have the option of posting pictures of myself wearing only > an Atari MindLink controller, to find women who will pretend to > like Atari so they can win a free chance to get into my pants. What, you couldn't afford a Nintendo PowerGlove? I think that if we want to talk about classic videogame controllers that had sex appeal, the discussion should begin and end with the Atari "Star Wars" arcade controller (modified from Atari's secret Army version of "Battlezone" -- the controller, not the movie about spaceships blowing up Darth Vader.) I think that next Halloween, someone should dress up as a pirate with a "Star Wars" controller sticking out of his crotch just to confuse nerds who have heard the steering-wheel joke. Second most erotic videogame controller: Atari's arcade "Tempest". Third: Williams's arcade "Stargate". (Just looking at all those buttons gives any manly man a testosterone surge.) Fourth: That scene in the movie "Tron" where Jeff Bridges says "This is just like the old arcade grips!" while grabbing both ends of a three-foot-wide pair of cardboard yak horns. Fifth: The original arcade "Missile Command"'s giant black bowling-ball-like trackball next to the three tiny, blinking nipple-like launch buttons. Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. -- K. That was about the only joystick I couldn't break. METAL IS GOOD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:20:32 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring > > sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. > > I had the version of that that came with three different handles: the Red > Ball, the Red Grip, and the Red Bat Handle. Dude, that one with the three different grips you could put on was called "The Boss", but its red-colored ball-shaped handle was no match for the Wico's "Red Ball", which had a red ball -- and only a red ball -- permanently attached to that metal post. Removable handles are for wimps who don't play hard. I bet you never even snapped the shaft of a Discwasher joystick, or crushed the base of one of those Gemini ones in your hand. Discwasher made nice big joysticks but they were all plastic and the shafts invariably snapped. Gemini made exact knockoffs of Atari's joysticks except they were made from such a cheap grade of plastic that I did literally crush one in my hand the first time I tried to shoot someone with it. Only Wico made joysticks with nice unbreakable metal shafts, and real leaf switches instead of those stupid little foil bubbles that wore out inside Atari joysticks at the worst possible moment. I demand as much metal as possible in my entertainment devices. Also, all laptop computers should be filled with lead. In case you have to hit someone over the head with them. -- K. The current Apple Powerbook has an orientation sensor hidden inside, so now there are games you can play by waving the computer around. However, they still haven't released the operating system update to make the computer say "TILT!" and lock up whenever you shake it. Apple would like that because they could add a little slot to the front where you'd have to insert a quarter to restart it, and every time you'd take the flimsy plastic Apple computer in for repairs they'd vacuum out all the quarters and refuse to fix it if it hadn't earned them enough money. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 06:59:56 -0500 [www.brownsvilleherald.com] -> -> El Jardin Elementary battles rat problem -> -> School employee warns parents to equip children with disinfectant -> -> By Kevin Garcia -> The Brownsville Herald -> -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found -> on school desks. "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word into my desk!" -> The employee, who Brownsville school district officials would -> not identify, warned parents of the matter by sending letters -> home with students. Oh! I just got it! "Brown"sville! Haw haw haw haw! It's funny because rats poop! Wait, for once maybe the newspaper wasn't trying to make a pun-like moment. If they were trying, it would have been even less funny. -> Officials admitted the school has a reoccurring rat problem, -> but they said students do not need to bring disinfectants to -> campus. The matter is being handled by maintenance workers -> with mouse traps and glue boards, they said. Why not just let the kids bring their kitty-cats to school? That would be the cheapest solution, and also, kids would get to learn about the cycle of nature when they see cute furry animals disemboweling each other. -> "I want to reassure all the parents that we have a very clean -> school even if we do have a problem with rats," said Principal -> Hector Hernandez, noting that the employee sent the letter -> without school permission. The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!!" -> "They (maintenance workers) are going to use all resources -> available to clear this up while the kids are away." -> -> The rat problem stems from the school's 80-year-old building -> that has "settled and developed cracks over time," said Rey -> Arteaga, the district's maintenance director. "We are sealing -> holes and putting in smaller grates in ventilation." -> -> He added that mouse traps and glue boards have been placed -> throughout the school, but regulations prohibit the use of -> bait while students are in class. Bait will be used -> "aggressively" once students are on Spring Break from March 14 -> to 18. But until then, the students will be the bait! "Augh! Waah! Little Timmy J. got carried off by a big evil scary rat! And I peed my pants and a rat ate my homework for the next three weeks!" -> Another possible reason for the rat problem is the school's -> proximity to brushy or woody areas where animals live, said -> Patty Matamoros, who has two children who attend El Jardin. -> -> "My kids have never complained about rats," said Matamoros, -> the school's Parent Teacher Organization president. -> -> "I think there are rats everywhere so it doesn't worry me that -> much." She was then asked to name three planets that have rats to prove her contention that rats are okay because rats are "everywhere". -> Some parents heard students shouldn't bring bag lunches, but -> Arteaga said there is no problem with lunches as long as -> students clean up after themselves. Remember, kids: Cheese is evil for many reasons. Reason #73: Cheese attracts rats that will pop out and bite you in the eye whenever you open your Hello Kitty lunchbox. So, kids, never eat cheese, and don't get a Hello Kitty lunchbox. -> Hernandez said teachers who see rats or rat droppings should -> contact maintenance immediately. What about teachers who see invisible demons from Hell? I had one of those for shop class. I mean an insane teacher, not an invisible Hell-beast. (The invisible Hell-beast taught Spanish.) -- K. In addition to rats, many schools are overrun by nerds! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 20:25:23 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.brownsvilleherald.com] > > -> > > -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were > > -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children > > -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found > > -> on school desks. > > Solution: taser them! Well, Taser-boy, while doing my research on this important topic, I stumbled across (via fark.com) this article which contains the words "urine" and "Taser", but not "rat", so if two out of three is good enough for you, this will be your favorite news story ever: [www.local6.com] => => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample => => Man Was Strapped To Hospital Bed => => ORLANDO, Fla. -- Authorities say a police officer twice used a => Taser stun device on a drug suspect who was restrained to a => hospital bed because the man refused to give a urine sample to => medical staff. => => Orlando police said Antonio Wheeler was arrested on a drug => charge and taken to an emergency room after telling officers => he had consumed cocaine. => => The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital => bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to => urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a => catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused. Um. If your arms and legs are strapped down, how do you keep them from inserting a cath? Does this guy have some sort of secret penis-retractor muscles the rest of us don't? Or maybe he's the guy from last week who squirted Krazy Glue down his urethra. => At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp noted that he => jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to => restrain him. Then, when Wheeler still refused to let the => catheter be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser => gun, which sends 50,000 volts into a target. I love it. Such rich ineptness. The cop has him handcuffed and strapped down, and is sitting on his chest, and is torturing him with a stun gun, and probably blowing his cool over the fact that this guy won't pee, when all the stupid cop needed to do was wait for the guy to fall asleep and then dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water. => Friday's incident has prompted an internal affairs investigation. Internal via which orifice? Further details from another source: [www.the-dispatch.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital -> bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to -> urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a -> catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused and began -> thrashing around, the affidavit said. If his weenie's moving around the room so fast that they can't grab it, either they didn't put enough leather straps on, or else he's one of those space aliens with a detachable, rocket-propelled penis that whizzes around leaving clouds of foaming baking soda behind. -> At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp reported, he -> jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to -> restrain him. When Wheeler still refused to let the catheter -> be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser, which -> sends 50,000 volts into a target. So was the officer wearing insulated rubber knee pads, or is there a scene missing here where he shocked himself while he was kneeling on the guy he was electrocuting? Also, the reporter forgot to tell us what part of the body the cop fired the Taser at. I bet this stupid cop has no idea where the secret spot that makes people pee really is. (Hint: Herman Miller's chair designers know all about The Secret Insta-Pee Spot.) -> "After the second shock (Wheeler) stated he would urinate and -> calmed down enough to be given the portable urinal," -> Linnenkamp wrote. Good thing the guy wasn't pee-shy or they'd still be Tasering him. -- K. New marketing slogan: "Taser: The Non-Lethal Weapon That Hurts Like Hell But Still Can't Even Make You Pee Unless It's Used Twice." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:54:57 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample > > You missed a golden opportunity with that poorly worded > "headline". I figured everyone here already spends too much time thinking about urine therapy. Plus I didn't want to sicken anyone who happened to be reading this while drinking warm apple juice. -- K. The worst-written part of the headline: "Taser Gun". As opposed to the Taser spatula, the Taser whoopee cushion, and the Taser plastic earthworm? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 18:59:20 -0500 Martin Cox (mpcox@insightbb.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch > > lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including > > Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended > > the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!! > > This will hold no terrors at all for products of the British school > system. The "currants" in the spotted dick never fooled anybody. I think you're confusing Andy Dick with Crispin Glover. They're actually slightly different. Andy's the funny one, and Crispin's the one who might actually become a serial killer someday. > And the gray and slightly furry Bubble And Squeak practically spells > it out for you. > > - Martin "Don't try the Toad In The Hole" Cox What, no Bangers And Mash? You don't like Peter Davison? You preferred that guy with the three-million-mile-long scarf? -- K. I heard Crispin Glover's going to be the new "Doctor Who", if they can catch him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 07:49:57 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word > > into my desk!" > > Solution: taser them! That's your solution to everything. "Taser them!" Haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? Also, haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? I have a better solution for you: Taser them! Anyway, I just want the TV networks to put the mid-Seventies version of "Let's Make A Deal" back on the air, from that very short-lived period where all the seats in the audience were rigged to fry the asses of the entire studio audience whenever Monty Hall read a joke off a cue card. That lasted about a week, followed by five years of him pathetically begging people to come be in the now-empty studio audience ("We've taken the charges out of the seats!") The new version would have every seat equipped with a Taser, the advantage being that the Tasers could continue shocking people who had jumped out of their seats and were running towards the exits with wires trailing from the barbed probes embedded in their fat, game-show-loving butts. The way the show should work is that whenever a contestant loses, the audience gets punished, so the audience would be rooting really hard for the contestant to win. Of course eventually the contestant would be asked a question about quantum gravity that not even Marilyn Vos Savant could answer, just so we could see the studio audience howling and lunging from their seats and beating the contestant to death. Either that or the show should just stay cancelled because it sucked. NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER THE GUY DRESSED AS AN ICE CREAM CONE WON A BAR STOOL OR A COW! The show should only be allowed back on the air if they go back to zapping their studio audience, and begin research on ways to simultaneously transmit these near-fatal electrical shocks to the home audience. Also they should force the home audience to wear stupid costumes too. The show's most remembered for the contestants dressing up in silly costumes. By the way, the producers provided those costumes. I know it's hard to believe, but "Let's Make A Deal" was not a democracy! -- K. And there should be a weather balloon that suffocates anyone who tries to change the channel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gravity, the "channel of force" Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:20:39 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > You cant biuld ienstiens space dragger till you understand ienstiens > gravity. Dear Lowercase TJ, I would like to know more about this "Ienstien" fellow you keep mentioning. Could you please post his entire biography? I can't wait to learn everything you think you know about him. What shape was his hair? Did he have an evil twin? Did he like coconut? Also, did Ienstien throw his own space drag parties, or did he just go to Jakc Benny's? -- K. Did he talk funny? Funnier than you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 05:32:16 -0500 In alt.politics.kibo, soundweapon@cs.com wrote: > > Classified US Government Technology > > The United States government now has surveillance technology than can the man in the tan van with the golden "AN". The silly bee can drinky tea and > electronically see and hear through walls. Agents of the US government food stamp program make the stamps taste bad to confuse me when I eat them. I > can move into a neighboring house and conduct complete surveillance of the house's wallpaper in case the unicorns try to escape. My article can bore > you in your home completely without your knowledge. The agents will cut out unicorns with scissors and add them to my wallpaper to bug me, and > never have to enter your home and place bugs because all surveillance has become too cheap to meter. And thanks to modern technology, tattooing > is done electronically through the walls of your home. All your skin will soon be covered with unicorns to make you into wallpaper. Bowel > movements and conversations in your own home can be recorded and music videos can be released with unicorns singing the dirty parts, critically > analyzed without your knowledge. This technology in effect gives agents Thursday nights off to play paintball inside my head. Unicorns speak > of the US government X-ray vision and they can use it to see right into my nose whenever I am sleeping, but only if I'm lying down. I farted in > your bedroom. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FIRING TATTOOS FROM PAINTBALL GUN > This US government has also incorporated this technology into targeting K-Mart and walmarting Target. Wal-Mart's owned by giant germs that have micro > scopes that can identify and target a person through walls. This made my head explode. And then unicorns came out. A new mouthwash named > targeting scope combined with a high powered rifle can assassinate a human but only if they aren't already dead. I don't know how to kill a dead > person through walls. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT UNICORNS SPOTTED SHOPPING AT SEARS > This technology was developed to protect the national security of the Woodstock Nation, from bad vibes and two-horned unicorns, sneaking in from the > United States but has been illegally turned against innocent US Magazine readers who get too intimate with the scented perfume ads. Position > citizens by agents of the US government. Agents of the US government gave me a full-body tattoo that looks like a picture of me but stupid, and > are covertly working with local law enforcement to conduct illegal symphony orchestras playing pirated MP3s of clown music. K-Mart sells > surveillance of innocent US civilians. Citizens have no defense against the unicorns, clowns, and Sears that feed me bowls of paintballs and ignore > this technology. You may never know you're under surveillance and even numbers such as 4 seem less random than odd numbers such as 5. But > if you were made aware, there is nothing you can do about it. No numbers can be changed from even to odd even if a unicorn jumps over them. My > electronic detection equipment is available to detect the surveillance rays coming from Wal-Mart and redirect them to dumb down US Magazine, using > technology. If you're targeted, you're on your own because no one can of Campbell's soup contains more than one piece of beef, and if you eat it, God > help you. For more information, please visit the website listed below. http://www.google.com For even more information, please visit it twice. > Website: > http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/ > > > Soundweapon@cs.com > > > Please Note: Postings on newsgroups of this message are being removed from my brain through my nose with dirty pliers that unicorns have touched, > possibly by the government. Hundreds of newsgroup postings of this word --> "fumbucket" <-- have not yet happened. Any pieces of beef in this > message have been removed, sometimes within a few hours of initial letters being followed by entire words. Pile drivers are used to set > postings. Please copy this information and repost it in any appropriate Wal-Mart restroom, behind the pile of evil unicorns. I don't seem sane on any > newsgroup, including this one. Also, please send this information to me and pretend you wrote it, so I can be embarrassed for someone else. Call > any federal, state, local law enforcement, congress person, and senator and ask if their refrigerator is full of unicorns, or any other hairy critters > you know of. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET -- K. Why do I even waste my time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:01:08 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [snip Thompsonesque bilining] Hey, not only did you snip and tell, you made up a new term for it. I thought someone had already coined the term "wackylacing" for that. "Bilining" would be the act of coating the inside of something with bile, like the way Bizarro Pepto-Bismol works. The only one of Hunter S. Thompson's writings I've read all the way through was his last one, "Counselor". I don't know what the title of it was, but I admire the conciseness of its text. More authors should write in the one-word format. Especially Andy Rooney. Then maybe he'd be as cool as that guy who just said "Ayyyyy" over and over in the Fifties. What was his name? Oh yeah, Sonny Barger. "I don't like Hunter S. Thompson as a person. He's probably the greatest writer in the world. When he was with us on a run, we was going to fight the cops one day and he locked himself in the trunk of his car. That guy ain't my friend." -- Sonny Barger (in an interview with Paul DeRienzo) Sadly, none of the stores near me carry his brand of hot sauce. How come Hunter S. Thompson never had his own brand of hot sauce? More to the point, how come I don't? > > Why do I even waste my time? > > Because when you exert yourself, nobody does it better? Hmm, someday I should try exerting myself. > [I can snip too] > > Dave "because you like to track the news' propagation by the sound of > hysterical laughter and gasping for breath?" DeLaney Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". Suddenly my "delete" key is making weird "cleek!" noises whenever I hit it. Pardon me while I type some letters I can then erase to exercise my "delete" key: xxxxxxxxx okay all better bye. No wait, the funny noise came back. I'd better type some more x's I can erase: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Well, that's a little better. This is the keyboard that got installed for free when I brought the computer in for service to correct a design flaw in the motherboard and the computer came back with a note saying "UNIT IS DIRTY". If I ever have to get it serviced again, I'll smear peanut butter all over it to see how many replacement parts I get for free. Anyway, Dave, stop cleeking, you'll get brain damage and start posting things I'll have to wackyline or bilace. -- K. Headline I just saw: -> 18-INCH DOG SWALLOWS 16" STICK Poor Spot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: Classified US Government Technology) Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:06:47 -0500 "My Left Foot" (Sh@tmypants) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining > > in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". > > Hutchencising. And now that I've returned from the supermarket, I was just about to ask, "Which sexual fetish will automatically lead to murder on the Wil Wheaton episode of 'CSI' that I'm about to watch? They already did latex bondage, chubby chasers, furries, and adult babies..." Now we know: Wil Wheaton's criminal mayhem will involve wackylaced bilining but when someone calls it "Hutchencising" only George Eads's character will know what it means, and hearing the word will cause him to put a rubber glove over his head and start dancing around the office while laughing hysterically and grabbing his crotch, because for some reason he's playing a mental nine-year-old who does chemical analysis of gunshot residue for a living. I think they designated that character to be the show's expert on Internet slang because the actor obviously picked his last name just to get a job as spokesman for eAds.com. Hey, how come I'm not a lab worker on "CSI" too? I'm just as obnoxious as that guy. And I know words for new sexual fetishes before almost anyone else. -- K. Apparently nobody on a.r.k but me watches the "CSI:NY" spinoff because a couple weeks ago I expected to see about fifty simultaneous postings saying "Oh, so THAT'S where Seth Goldin went." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Green Couch and HGTV Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:22:59 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I keep seeing HGTV commercials for the new show 'Designed To Sell'. In > the living room that frightens people away is a one-person green chair. > > I used to own that chair. I hope they Febreezed it before they gave it to those people. > TV is insulting my decorating sense. Then you should turn off "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". Besides, you're not in the target demographic. -- K. CNN headline: "IKEA criticized for 'sexually biased' manuals" What, did someone find a penis on one of the stick figures? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tampa Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 17:02:43 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) said: > > > > 5) You can tell you are in the bad part of town not because of the > > houses, which look the same, but because of the guy with the giant > > fucking knife sticking out of his pants pocket. > > Please to tell me what sort of knife is used for fucking. I want to hear this too. > I have to know for, um, this night extension class I'm taking. Until then, you'll just have to make do with the same X-Acto knife you've been using on your bunions. I hope it doesn't turn out to be something weird you have to go to Williams-Sonoma to buy, like a lettuce knife or spaghetti knife or fudge knife. -- K. They should make a combination knife and spork called a knork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:13:25 -0500 (I know this first news story is two weeks old, but I missed it when it was new and someone at Fark.com just linked to it today. Then I did the further research and dug up the other two articles about this totally 'tupid topic. This is a highly important matter because it's so idiotic.) [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Qld Nationals to consider 'anti-junkie' vaccinations -> -> The Central Council of Queensland's National Party will -> consider a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies against -> drug addictions. -> -> One branch of the National Party is calling on the Federal -> Government to provide free "anti-junkie" vaccinations for -> children aged under 12 months. -> -> National Party member Ken Wilson says he expects strong -> support for the resolution. -> -> "We are a very family-orientated party," he said. -> -> "Anything that would preserve the party, and not bust it as -> the drugs will bust it, and we know only too well from TV, -> radio and the paper what the scourge of drugs are." How exactly is this supposed to work? If there were a "vaccine" that could protect against drugs (doubtful, as vaccines are for bacteria and viruses) it would still wear off before the kids were old enough to know where to buy heroin. And anti-addiction medication (Antabuse or whatever) would wear off in a day or two. If this guy is one of those politicians who proposes that the government should do imaginary fantasy impossible magic things because the government obviously has unlimited god-like powers, why doesn't he propose a better solution to the drug problem, such as a network of satellites that emit rays that turn all drugs into yummy candy, and turn all candy sugar-free, and make sugar-free stuff not taste awful? Or better yet, he could propose a time machine so that he can go back in time and stop drugs from ever being invented. [www.abc.net.au] => => Nationals 'anti-junkie' vaccinations plan bizarre: Beattie => => Queensland Premier Peter Beattie says the Nationals' proposal => to immunise children against addictions is crazy. => => The Central Council of Queensland's National Party is => considering a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies => against drug addictions. => => National Party member Ken Wilson says he expected strong => support for the resolution. But then Stanislaw Lem punched him in the face when he proposed it at the Futurological Congress. It didn't help that Mr. Wilson didn't use any of the many words Lem's translators made up when he mocked the stupidity of this idea in "The Futurological Congress" and "Return From The Stars" and about eight other novels. I oppose betrization, mascons, and wurches and zits. => But Mr Beattie says the proposal is "bizarre". => => "There is no other word you could describe it," he said. The other guy's word "crazy" seems to work just fine. Are you two going to get into a fight over whether "crazy" or "bizarre" is appropriate for this crazy, bizarre idea? => "It's the sort of nonsense that I thought any sort of => civilised society wouldn't have a party to. => => "I would urge the National Party to move away from it at a => million miles an hour." But drugs can move faster than that! They can chase you down and jump on you! Unless you had a shot when you were a baby! [news.com.au, reposted at tobacco.org] -> -> Babies could get anti-junkie jab -> -> CHILDREN could be injected with an "anti-junkie" vaccination -> being developed by drug companies under a radical plan to -> combat rising addiction. -> -> Under the plan, being considered by British MPs, Well, of course the British would be considering this. They probably want to give all the babies the Ludovico treatment. That would have the side effect of scratching enough babies' corneas that they'd never demand the National Health Service give them contact lenses. -> doctors would immunise at birth babies considered to be at -> risk of becoming nicotine or drug addicts. And how will they determine which babies are at risk of taking up smoking many years later? Phrenology! -> The injection would be similar to an inoculation for measles -> or mumps. ...except that those aren't supposed to block babies from growing up to enjoy things that other people found socially unacceptable many years before. I don't think anyone has ever complained they wanted to have lots of mumps, but I foresee lawsuits if these magical injections actually did have some effect involving permanently destroying someone's ability to have a certain type of pleasure. Especially since it would also probably make them unable to enjoy other things that might stimulate the same neurochemical receptors in the brain, such as hot sauce and pinball. WHEN ENDORPHINS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE SEX! -> Doctors believe the childhood jab would block the euphoric -> effects of drugs later in life, rendering useless narcotics -> such as heroin and cocaine. ...and presumably cocaine analogs such as novocaine, but that's okay, because British people never go to the dentist anyway. -> The vaccinations are expected to be on the market within two -> years. . . . -> -> "People could be vaccinated against drugs at birth as you are -> against measles," Professor David Nutt, a leading British -> government drugs adviser who sits on a national committee, said. Right now what I want is to be vaccinated against idiots. Is there a vaccine that can render all "social engineering" ineffective on babies, preventing them from being deprived of free will? And would you let Professor Nutt inject your baby with anything? I'm going to wait for Professor Handsome Einstein Genius McSmartypants. -> "You could say cocaine is more dangerous than measles, for -> example. It is important that there is a debate on this issue. There should be a vaccine that encourages lively debate! Quick, start injecting babies with Extract Of Jon Stewart! -> "This is a huge topic -- addiction and smoking are major -> causes of premature death." Yeah, just like auto accidents. Hey, we should give people vaccines that prevent them from having accidents. There should also be one that makes British people pay their TV license fees. And one that makes it impossible to play bagpipes. And one that prevents people from wearing clashing plaids. And one that makes them never need to poop. And one that makes everyone tell me what a work of genius my article is. -- K. I say we should strap all British politicians down and force them to watch "A Clockwork Orange". Also "Fight Club", because that's another great movie. And maybe "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island", just to show them how good the others were. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:04:34 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I am not dead, obviously, or maybe this is not so obvious to you. No, I > am alive, and although I haven't been posting to alt.religion.kibology, > I have been lurking the entire time I seemed to disappear. Perhaps I > gained the wisdom to only post when I know I have something worthwhile > to say. I simply don't feel like taking the time to type so much out. That's okay, since we were reading your mind the whole time. > HOWEVER, since everyone seems to enjoy my posts SO MUCH, I shall resume > my habitual posting. "Habitual" is another word for "I'm on drugs, whee!" so GET OFF THE GOOFBALLS, MAN. You can't use the Internet unless you're sober, otherwise you'll start buying things on eBay without realizing that the seller wants $20 shipping and handling for that bag of rubber bands. > The most unusual thing I saw in my sabbatical from alt.religion.kibology > was Kibo's serious post about homosexuality. It's wacky when Kibo posts > something serious, because he's Kibo, and he's wacky. Since being wacky > is normal, then being normal is wacky, in a normal, wacky kind of wacky > normal way! I am always serious, even when I'm being wacky. Did you think I was not being serious when I said that "Baby Geniuses 2" is a bad movie? Maybe you should rent it just so you can then get angry with me for not lying about how bad it sucks. > -- S. > Also, how does that virtual candy taste? Like electrons and ghost flesh. -- K. How does that Lemon Pledge taste? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:27:49 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > The stupid fukken Big 12 tournament is on tonight and has pre-empted > "CSI". I wanted to watch or tape Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", but > no. Can someone tape it for me please? I don't watch the show so you can > spoil away if you want. Well, see, it turns out that there's a surveillance camera that catches a photo of Wil from behind, and when the CSI lab uses computers to look at the other side of the photo, it turns out that he's wearing sunglasses, sunglasses retain a reflection of everything they were exposed to in the past 24 hours, and zooming in on the reflection yields a picture of a guy wearing a wedding band, and zooming in on the reflection of the crime scene in the wedding band shows evidence of tetrion particles, which, when fed through the primary-phased power systems via the lateral EPS conduits create a spatial inversion of futon energy, otherwise known as a "rip" or "tear" in the color spectrum, yielding a new color exactly halfway between orange and silver, and enlarging that color by a factor of one to the tenth power shows that its halftone dots are made up of DNA and they put a strand of DNA under the microscope and Grissom says "That DNA looks like it came from a bald man!" and they enlarge the DNA some more and it has barcoded serial numbers on it that, when looked up on the Internet, turn out to be a code meaning that Wil framed Shatner for the murder of records officer Finney. > I'm immune. But I want to see Wil. Stop misquoting "Brazil". The unintelligible line said by the incredibly awkward little girl, according to the script, is "Put it on, big boy, I won't look at your willy." > WIL WIL WIL DAMMIT WIL. Stop quoting Leni Riefenstahl! > Email me if you can tape it off for me tonight, I'll send you bu>< for > postage and the tape and maybe include some expired powdered treats while > I'm at it. > Thanks and stuff. I can make you a nice commercial-free tape from my TiVo, but my TiVo is a little sick so you may have to put up with Wil Wheaton periodically shimmering even when he's not being killed in a Transporter accident. I can also send you a box of VERY expired powdered treats that I wrapped up and wrote your address on about seven years ago before I got too lazy to mail it. -- K. I've seen too much TV. Please kill me. And leave some clever clues. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:51:36 -0500 [responding to three separate articles about Terri's ability to tell the puny human beings apart] Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > > No, no, no -- not normal: I've gone through to the otherside. I have > Hyper-Face-Recognition. Like, sometimes I watch an old movie and I see > some dude and say, hey, that looks like this modern-day-dude, and it > turns out they're related. THIS HAPPENS MUCH OF THE TIME. It makes > watching movies with me even more irritating than you might already > suspect. I'm that way with props. I was complaining about that thing where "those red lights keep going back and forth" before "Airplane II" rented it. I am very talented at recognizing abstract, useless objects. > Doesn't always work, though. Try as I might, I still can't see a > resemblence between Dr. Bashir and that Clockwork Orange guy. I had no idea he was Young Alex's nephew until you made me go look up trivia about "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" actors. Now I feel like a dork for knowing that, and like a different sort of dork for not having know that, so I'm simultaneously two types of dork, and you're mean for double-dorkusing me. > Thanks for calling me normal, though. No one's ever called me that > before. That's normal, too. People who are told all day "You're normal, you're very normal, you're so normal yes you are, normal normal normal" are usually in straitjackets. Even people who _are_ normal will go insane if you keep telling them that. Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I like anyone who makes me the center of attention. So you must get a lot of dates by answering those classified ads looking for photos models who want to do "artistic poses". Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow > > "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" > > Oh, big hairy deal. Like that doesn't happen to me every day already. I don't think you'd like to be welcomed to my everyday life every day. For one thing, you'd get my welcome mat dirty. For another, I don't even have a welcome mat (unless someone volunteers to pretend it's Seth Goldin.) Lastly, my everyday life is actually really boring. Like, I buy frozen chicken nuggets, I sort my clothes by letting gravity organize them on the floor, I have to remember that pink is the sponge for cleaning the sink and blue is the sponge for cleaning my jackets, and I just had an hour-long phone conversation about superballs. By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes of them in the mail. You don't realize how weird they smell until you have enough of them to pile up like cannonballs. Hmm, I hope I don't accidentally discover the secret of Ice-Nine -- if I made Ice-Nine out of a pile of superballs, it could turn the entire Earth into one big superball, and then _everything_ would smell like that. Ecch. I would throw them down the trash chute, but then everyone would complain about the "BOING! BOING! BOING!" noises lasting all night, especially if I dropped the superballs from the 20th floor where the terrorists used to live. -- K. Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not The Cat In The Hat (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:02:49 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with > > > ten pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > > then bounce them around the halls. Or down the stairs. Or in > > the street. Give them names and take them for walks. > > Worst Dr. Seuss book EVER! Oh, come on, I can pull a worse Dr. Seuss book out of my ass. Here we go: HORTON HEARS A SWEAR by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss Higgledly humbly bumbly wumbly, dinkus dunkus finkus wumpus, Horton picked his nose with his stupid finger. "What did you do?" screamed his monkey wife. "I dunno," said Horton, Figgledy diggedy Potsie. "OW!" screamed Potsie. "Stop fiddley-diddling me!" Horton said, "That's not what I said," and sat on Potsie, and now he's deadish. Wow, that sort of rhymed! I win! Flabbidy glabbidy giz wetwa wum-wum wamp, dugga digga dooba zooba flim-flam damp. Horton shot himself because he had yet to hear a swear. THE END Boobity bobbity flurgle-dee-dee, that was the end, definitely for you but not for me. I just made another thousand dollars. Dipple doople, woxwox slunch, gimme my money and go eat a frickin' Superball for dinner. Winnie the Pooh just exploded. Copyright (C) 2005 by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss CRITICISM OF THIS WORK IS NOT APPROVED AND ALL COMMENTS WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE LITIGATION. -- K. I'll defy the lawyers and reveal that the ghostwriter of that book was Harlan Ellison. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:51:29 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- K. > > > > Any good ideas > > for other > > ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > then bounce them around the halls. Hey, stop gluing my words together to make lumpy trapezoids with holes in the middle. I think I have enough superballs to make a sugar molecule, so I could throw it at someone and yell, "WATCH OUT! YOU MIGHT GET HURT BY THIS ONE DELICIOUS LITTLE SUGAR MOLECULE!" and then see whether they duck or swallow. > Or down the stairs. I'm saving that for when I have ten miles of Slinkys. > Or in the street. Boston's streets are 100% potholes. Those potholes are so deep that no superball can escape from them. > Give them names and take them for walks. No. -- K. And stop bouncing my formatting around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:24:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes > > of them in the mail. > > If no one else will do it, I will -- *WHY* did you get three boxes of > superballs in the mail? Because they wouldn't fit in envelopes? > > Any good ideas for > > other ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > How can you *not* make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? I could make spaghetti instead, but the meatballs would be a little chewy. > Or did they already get used to capture that crazy murderer guy in Atlanta? Okay, "superball fetish" can be next week's lethal perversion on "CSI". Some physics professor can be doing that demo where he puts a superball on top of a bowling ball and then drops them both onto someone's head so that the little superball on top goes shooting up way above where it was dropped from, and gets sucked into the intake of Air Force One and shredded and the CSI team can't find the evidence until they subpoena the President and they have to solve the crime in 24 hours because otherwise Jack Bauer will explode while Judd Hirsch feels the fabric on the seats of Air Force One and his sons go around arresting people for the crime of not liking math enough. Also Wil Wheaton gets to play a hippie that Jack Webb gives a meaningful lecture to. It's only by watching TV that we can learn to enjoy propaganda. Forgive me if I'm typing slowly, but my computer is sluggish right now because the little window that says "Mailing message to self." is barber-pole-ing on top of the little window that says "Checking mail for <>..." and this Self guy and his dominant partner are conspiring to eat up all my CPU cycles in an Olympic-quality race condition. -- K. The superballs with little tacos inside are cool, because I'm tired of tacos that shatter when I try to bounce them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 21:19:42 -0500 Well, Wil Wheaton's "CSI" episode (soon to be a rerun playing eight times a day on SpikeTV) has started, so I'm going to go grocery shopping while it records, because I figure that this intersection of "CSI" with Wil Wheaton will, for one brief hour, result in a supermarket which is nerd-free. (Until I get there, of course.) Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he was once on "Star Trek"! Remember how, after Lucille Ball's ninth attempt to imitate her original show failed, her comeback vehicle was a TV-movie where she played a filthy, insane homeless woman? And gay guys everywhere curled up into fetal positions and bawled, "That's not the Lucy I wanted! She's not a vivacious, zany screwball, she's a horrifying nutball!" I figure that after Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", there will be millions of nerds, dweebs, and dorks curled up into little balls, rocking back and forth, moaning "That's not Wesley! That's not Wesley! Please, Captain Picard, come into my TV and take Wil Wheaton back to 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and make more episodes with the entire original cast except for Whoopi Goldberg!" And now, live from Wesleylu Studios, it's THE LUCY/WESLEY COMEDY HOUR! (THEME MUSIC, VERY OUTER-SPACEY BUT WITH BONGOS) (LUCY AND WESLEY ARE IN THEIR QUARTERS. SHE IS PUTTING ON HER FUTURISTIC EYE MAKEUP, WHICH COMES IN A CHROME SALT SHAKER.) WESLEY Gosh, I'm so glad the Admiral promoted me to captain because he was so moved by my performance of "Space Babalu". And Lucy, I hereby promote you to ship's counselor. LUCY Wesley, I'm tired of being the ship's counselor. I want to be the chief engineer. WESLEY No, Lucy. You cannot be an engineer. First of all, you're a woman. LUCY (to herself, while facing the camera and speaking at full volume) I'll show him... I'll change into a different- colored shirt and sneak into Engineering through the ship's crawlspace and that'll make me an engineer. CUT TO: ENGINEERING DECK (CHIEF ENGINEER LAFORGE IS INDICATING THE ONLY BUTTON, TO AN ENSIGN.) LAFORGE Now remember, never push this button that releases the toxic antimatter suds. ENSIGN Yes, sir. (LUCY ENTERS) LUCY Mr. LaForge, Captain Wesley says he wants you to wash the outside of the ship. Here's a sponge. LAFORGE I see by your uniform that you're also the chief engineer. I guess that means you're in charge while I'm outside. Carry on. (EXITS) ENSIGN Your orders, ma'am? LUCY Get me some coffee and watch me push buttons! (SHE PUSHES THE BIG RED BUTTON. THE ROOM SLOWLY FILLS WITH SOAP SUDS WHILE THE ACTORS HOLD PERFECTLY STILL WAITING FOR LAUGHS.) ENSIGN The room is full of toxic antimatter suds! We're doomed! LUCY Oh, I wish I hadn't let Wesley talk me into this! (WESLEY ENTERS) WESLEY What's goin' on here, someone's got some 'splaining to do! Follow me to the 'Splaining Room! CUT TO: 'SPLAINING ROOM (REDRESS OF BRIEFING ROOM) (WESLEY AND LUCY STILL HAVE SOAP SUDS IN THEIR HAIR, BUT CURIOUSLY, THEIR CLOTHES ARE STILL PRISTINE.) WESLEY Lucy, I'm gonna fire you. Get into the torpedo tube. LUCY Waaaaaaaaaah, shazbot! (ALL BOW. CURTAIN.) WHOOPI GOLDBERG I was not in this episode. -- K. Soap suds are still funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:06:59 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several > > days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that > > an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he > > was once on "Star Trek"! > > You're talking about William Shatner, right? I think he proves an actor can play less than one role during his career. If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or if he just wandered onto the set. Yeah, I'm mean. But that's only because I've watched the DVDs of "Incubo" _and_ "Mind Meld" all the way through. I not only want my money back, I want everybody else's, and I want Shatner to make a new "Star Trek" episode with the entire original cast where the Klingons would force him to apologize for releasing "Mind Meld". Although, he was good in "Dodgeball". But Hasselhoff was better. -- K. So how come I'm not on "Star Trek" yet? I could play an Orkan. Nanooooo! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: William Shatner (was: I'm going to the supermarket now.) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:50:39 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would > > be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or > > if he just wandered onto the set. > > What if he played someone from the future *disguised* as a filthy, > drug-crazed bum, looking for loopholes in the Prime Directive? William Shatner disguised as a filthy, drug-crazed bum wouldn't fool anyone. He'd just be Filthy Shatner. Wil Wheaton in makeup as a filthy, drug-crazed bum was disturbingly non-Wheatonesque -- if I hadn't known he was going to be in that episode I wouldn't have recognized him (but of course I say that about 90% of the people I see.) Now, if _I_ disguised myself as a filthy, drug-crazed bum and travelled through time, fistfighting my way through the centuries getting my clothes dirtier and dirtier over the course of each episode but still having them magically turn back into clean clothes every time Lee Meriwether used the Time Tunnel to go all deus ex machina on my ass, that would be a rollicking roundhouse adventure to enlighten and entertain Middle America's entire nuclear family with explosive action, impulsive comedy, and expulsive laxative commercials between punch-outs. LOOK OUT! OUR VIKING SHIP IS GOING TO COLLIDE WITH THE TITANIC! QUICK, PUNCH SOMEONE AND JUMP INTO THE SHIFTING MAZE OF PAST AND FUTURE AGES! *swink* deedle deedle deedle deedle tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock IN COLOR!!!! -- K. I bet I could even get Robert Colbert to let me punch him out, provided I bribed him in the universal language -- dough-re-mi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: making "Sesame Street" relevant to today's kids, especially you Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:28:03 -0500 POST TO SCI.PHYSICS, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear everyone, NO THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MISSPELL "EVERYONE", MR. NOODLE!!! MISSPELL BETTER, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear evreywun, TELL EVERYONE YOUR THEORY, MR. NOODLE!!! I heartily endorse Einstein's Theory Of Relativity, YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, MR. NOODLE!!! HATE EINSTEIN, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a blockhead, BE MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a dodecahedronhead, NO, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a poopy-head, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a shitty poopy-head, YAY MR. NOODLE!!! and I am better because I am a genius. BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am way better because I am a super genius. YOU NEED TO BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am the King Of Science because I am an ultrasuper genius laserbrainiac. YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! YOU MADE YOURSELF LOOK SMART, MR. NOODLE!!! NOW POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "spellcheck") DON'T SPELLCHECK, MR. NOODLE!!! POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "post") (The computer gets up and starts dancing around the room in circles shouting "YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS! YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS!") YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! DO IT AGAIN, MR. NOODLE!!! REPOST OVER AND OVER, MR. NOODLE!!! -- K. NOW THROW ELMO INTO THE CHIPPER-SHREDDER, MR. NOODLE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:39:06 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Don't tell me if [Wil Wheaton] dies, but he's the crazy filthy > > druggie. Apparently he was pretty good in the part. > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize him, and I'm normally really > good at that game. Coolness. > > (I'm serious about being good at that game; I have the opposite of > whatever it is that Kibo has.) Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > (I am the opposite of Kibo in every way.) Then how come you watched the same show I did? You should have been watching "Bizarro CSI", over on UBS. That's the one where the cops find a guy who has never been the victim of any violent crimes, and then they use tweezers to insert bullets into his body, and then they use a computer that can magically reduce the resolution of any photograph. Also you have to eat nothing but cheese, and it better not be spicy. -- K. I could say something mean, but I won't, because that's what you'd expect. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:46:45 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize [Wil Wheaton], and I'm > > normally really good at that game. Coolness. > > Ditto. Even specifically looking for him, I wasn't sure at first that > it was Wil. I had to rerun his scenes a couple of times. (Plus there > wasn't anyone else who could've been him.) It didn't help that he had > about a minute and 20 seconds of total screen time, half of it in the > dark and all of it with his hair in his face. This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. Except then you might suffer the side effect of geeks asking you to settle bets as to whether Patrick Stewart's French accent is real. > I thought he did good, in any case. So will you be first in line for the Insane Wil Wheaton action figure? I hope it'll be scale-compatible with Boba Fett! -- K. If you like Wil Wheaton as a bad boy, there's a minute and twenty seconds of "Flubber" you should see. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:34:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put > > hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. > > I've got the hair thing going on already. It is considerably longer > than it was last spring, and it's in my face alla time. Plus I think > I didn't have it highlighted back then, but I can't remember. If you keep blonding your hair you're never going to be able to remember. You should make your hair some color that makes you smarter, like fluorescent orange. It makes me look so smart that people run away because they're worried that they'd look stupid if they were seen standing next to me. > Drugs, well, that's gonna be a little tougher. I just don't have the > connections I used to. I don't think Wil's character was a druggie > anyway, more likely schizo. I didn't say his _character_ was. Don't you know that, upon entering a studio, all actors automatically get hosed down with a mixture of angel dust and crank in order to get them to emote? They have to do this because California's air is always filled with a mixture of Ritalin and cough syrup vapor in order to keep the population so mellow that they don't realize their state is so totally weird. Look at it this way, you have to be on crack to enjoy watching TV, so of course the people who perform on it have to be on even stronger stuff. If you don't believe me, think about how many different uppers David Letterman is taking just to be able to talk to people for an hour. So of course it's only logical that they'd have to secretly drug all the actors on a show like "CSI" to get them to do stuff like touch corpses that are still breathing if you look closely so they must actually be zombies, eww. -- K. Wait, "blonding" isn't even a word... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: that's one ringy-dingy... on a teenie weenie... Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 00:40:17 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Doctors remove wedding ring from penis -> -> Romanian doctors have removed a man's wedding ring from his -> penis. -> -> The patient, who is married and has two children, told doctors -> he had a one night stand with another woman. -> -> He couldn't say how the ring got onto his penis but suspected -> the mistress wanted to embarrass him because he fell asleep -> during sex. "During" or "after"? This is important. Lesson learned: Always take off your wedding ring before cheating on your wife, especially if you have A TINY PENIS AND GROSS FAT FINGERS!!! I'd think that given how small and thug-fingered he is, he'd be too excited over actually having sex to doze off. -> Doctors said the man, from Rovinari, Jiu county, whose name -> was not revealed will recover after the incident. Unless his wife notices the big scar on his tiny penis. But what are the chances of that? -> They said it was not the first time they had to save people -> from embarrassing situations. -> -> In another case, a man came to hospital with his penis stuck -> in a cola bottle. However, Dr. Pepper came in a bottle, because... oh, never mind. You heard that one back in fourth grade. From the slow kid. -> "He looked like a very respectable person. We managed to -> remove the bottle without harming his sexual organ," a -> urologist told Opinia Oltenien newspaper. Are they putting Coke in mustard jars over there, or do they just have really tiny Romanian John Thomases? I can't imagine getting it on with a Coke bottle (three-liter, single serve, or other, they all take the same teensy bottlecaps.) I say we should redesign Coke bottles to discourage people from trying this. Like, there could be spring-loaded spikes that pop out inside the opening. Then to get the bottle off again, you'd need to use a special key to retract the spikes, and you could get it for free by sending in twenty-four bottle caps plus $19.95 shipping and it would arrive in four to six weeks. -- K. How come we never hear Ananova reporting on guys getting their penis stuck inside a Krazy Glue bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 06:50:50 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Man with two penises loses wife -> -> A German who persuaded doctors to give him a second penis has -> lost his wife after he showed her the result. But as they say, one in the hand is worth two in the bush. And I suppose it makes sense that somewhere there's a guy with an extra penis, to balance out the Universe in compensation for that guy who doesn't have one. You know who I mean. That guy you never heard of because he never accomplished anything because he doesn't have a penis. -> Biker Michael Gruber, 40, lost his original penis in a -> motorbike accident At last, I have a good excuse why I don't own a motorcycle! -> and doctors built him a second one using a mixture of skin, -> bone and other tissues from his own body. Um, it's not supposed to _actually_ have bone in it. You don't want it making knuckle-cracking noises, and you definitely don't want anyone breaking their teeth on it. -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born -> last year. -> -> But Gruber was still not happy and asked doctors to repeat the -> operation and build him a better organ, to which they agreed. Better! Faster! Stronger! The Six Million Deutschmark Penis! With his bionic penis, Steve Austin can pole vault over the Reichstag! But he still regrets the "faster" part. -> However, before removing the first penis doctors said they -> needed to make sure the new tissue transplant was a success, -> and had to leave the first penis in place. -> -> Dr Markus Kuentscher, a plastic surgeon at Berlin's Accident -> Hospital, said: "We left the old one attached until the new -> one is properly supplied with blood." -> -> But when Gruber showed his wife his double penis, she went -> home, packed her bags and left. Because obviously he was cheating on her. No man would need two simultaneous penises unless he was planning on having sex with two simultaneous sluts. I bet he ends his foreplay by shouting, "...AND NOW, IN STEREO!" -> From his hospital bed he said: "I've got two penises but no -> wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I -> will get her back." He could mail it to her just like Vinnie Van G did with his ear! There's no better way to prove your love than to give your penis to your gal so she can flush it. -> His testicles are intact and will be connected to what is -> actually his third penis when doctors are happy the operation -> was a success. And then he'll be chased out of Germany by torch-wielding villagers when they realize that, because he's been circumcised three times, he now has powers of Triple Jewishness. Germans will fear the his 27-candle menorah, his 18-pointed Star Of David, and his d12-shaped dreidel! They will be terrified he'll bake matzoh with 300% less leavening than regular matzoh! -> His story was this week featured on a German TV documentary -> called The Last Penis Operation. Promise? -- K. And now, the two-penis guy will get back on his motorcycle, then he'll crash again, this time into David Cronenberg's car. Two-penis guy will be unharmed, but Cronenberg will die moments after the crash when he drowns in his own jizz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 03:55:31 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > My dad had an uncomfortable stay in the hospital, back in the day when > he was a police officer. > > I don't remember what led to his stay in the hospital, save that it > was on the job, and involved a head injury (FUN!). > > So he woke up in the hospital only able to see from one eye because > half his head bandaged up. He was doing OK, until a nurse came in and > asked if he was the guy who had been in the motorcycle accident. > > Being mistaken for a guy who had been in a motorcycle accident made > him somewhat nervous. > > When another nurse mistook him for the guy who had been in a > motorcycle accident, he started to feel panicky. > > This kept happening throughout the night, making him worry more and > more about how badly hurt he actually was. He started to wonder if > maybe half of his head was still laying on a street somewhere. B > > He really lost it (his cool, not half of his head) when two more > people came in the room, and one asked if he was the guy who had been > in the motorcycle accident, and before Dad could reply, the other > person said "No, that guy died." And Dad started to holler "GET ME A > MIRROR! GET ME A MIRROR!" > > At this point I assume some sort of sedation was administered. If nothing else, maybe at least they swatted that stray B that made off with half his head. Was your father often mistaken for a biker in other contexts? I am, even though I don't have a giant beer belly or _any_ road rash. Also all my jackets still have their sleeves and my gloves have fingers. I bet if I went around yelling "GET ME A MIRROR!" there would be some interesting results. Especially if I had half my head bandaged. And was dressed like the Joker. Can you imagine how weird our lives would be if the laws of physics were just slightly different so that there was no such thing as a reflective surface? Until the invention of photography, everyone would think they looked like paintings. Except for poor people, who would think they looked like caricatures done at the mall. "GET ME A CARICATURIST!" -- has never been uttered in _this_ Universe. Poor Spot! A Gypsy cursed him to get more deformed every time he found out how deformed he was! And yet he was still drawn to mirrors even though every time he looked in one he ruined his face in an unpredictable new way. The compulsion was irresistible, especially since the Gypsy told him he could only break the curse by seeing what he looked like when he was asleep. -- K. Could've been worse, your father could have been mistaken for some clown in a unicycle accident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:10:34 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a Žcrit dans le message de news: > > > > [www.ananova.com] > > -> > > -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a > > -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born > > -> last year. > > I didn't know "Etienne" could be a boy's name. Those German people are > weird. Not as weird as the way French people insist that "Michelle" is a boy's name. It's all so confusing. Fortunately, here in the U.S., we know what genders all of our names are. Except for Chris. And Pat. And Jamie. It's only foreigners with weird names like Tinky Winky and Jean and Guy that confuse us. In France, "Jean" is a guy's name and "Gene" is a girl's name, and only certain guys are "Guy"! In Spain, they do things logically -- any names ending in "a" are girls, any named ending in "o" are guys, and any names ending in one of the other 24 letters are forbidden to be spoken. Finland solved the problem the opposite way -- all names end with "aakkaakkiikkaa" so nobody can even remember how to spell anyone else's name, let alone figure out whether they're a boy or a girl under the sweater and snow pants. Also, Oscar The Grouch used to be orangish-brown instead of slime green, before he had his color-change operation. -- K. If your name starts with "Gn" but is abbreviated "Cn", you may be an ancient Roman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 08:21:20 -0500 [cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> MILWAUKEE (AP) -- Odours associated with bowling traditionally -> include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But what about -> grape, amaretto and cherry? Those are fine smells, but the smell of vulcanized black rubber bowling balls just can't be beat. It's like being in a tire warehouse, but with smaller holes. -> One bowling ball manufacturer -- Storm Products Inc. -- is -> putting fruit and other popular scents into its mid-to -> high-end bowling balls, resulting in a steady increase in -> sales. More than half the bowlers on the Professional Bowlers -> Association tour last year used them, including four-time PBA -> champion Ryan Shafer. -> -> Shafer, who has a contract with Storm, said he may have won a -> match two years ago in Kansas City because an opponent was -> distracted by his black licorice-scented ball. Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma that would make other bowlers cry. -> "He asked me if I had to use that ball and I said, 'Yes, this -> ball is working' ... and I think that is why I won," he said. -> -> Storm Products' first scented balls -- green apple and citrus -- -> came out in the spring of 2000. Since then, the company has -> produced about 40 scents. The current scents are black cherry, -> chocolate, lemonade, plum, blueberry, grape, banana, cinnamon, -> orange, amaretto and cherry. I assume candlepin bowling balls will only be available in Tic Tac flavors. -> "It's just a real good feature of our equipment that gets the -> average consumer really hooked on our stuff," said Steve -> Kloempken, technical director for Storm Products Inc. ...which is also introducing a heroin-scented bowling ball! Oh, wait, Zippy The Pinhead already said "I want a bowling ball filled with drugs." Well, I guess now he can get one. -> These aren't balls you currently find in your corner bowling -> alley, but they're often in the bags of professional or league -> bowlers. -> -> Most scents can't be smelled until they are within five or -> eight centimetres of your nose, although some have stronger -> odours. Janeane Garofalo has a ball that smells like death. -> Brigham City, Utah-based Storm, the fourth-largest bowling -> ball manufacturer, has a patent pending on the scented balls, -> which cost $150 to $250 US. Yes, I know that's what the patent application fee for a form that says "DEAR GOVERNMENT I AND I ALONE INVENTED THE IDEA OF ADDING PERFUME TO ROUND THINGS", but how much do the balls cost? -> Storm's president and chief executive officer, Bill Chrisman, -> used to work with cleaners and knew that people associated scents -> with particular cleaners, so he decided to try it on bowling balls. Now he's just a filthy slob who no longer buys cleaners, but don't worry, he has a vanilla-scented bowling ball in every room in his house. -> The more popular fragrances, which are added in the liquid -> used to create the ball's 2.5-to 3.8-centimetre shell, include -> cherry, citrus and chocolate. The less popular fragrances include Bowling Alley Restroom Vomit, Rollaturd, and Mouse Died In The Thumb Hole. -> "We haven't found one yet that has lost its scent," Kloempken -> said. -> -> The company also is considering putting the scents in its -> lower-end balls that turn up in bowling alleys. Maybe they should also consider putting ADEQUATELY SIZED FINGER HOLES in some of them them. -> Neil Stremmel, research director for the United States Bowling -> Congress in Greendale, Wis., bowling's regulatory body, said -> most bowlers don't use the balls for scent or colour, but for -> their performance -- such as if they curve a certain way. -> -> But, "I like the smell of my grape ball," he said. THAT'S WHAT HITLER SAID! I'm sorry, was that too much? Although the jump-rope rhyme said he only had one ball, and that one was very small, historians do not agree on whether it was more like a grape or a raisin. -> "It's a secondary thing for the upper echelon or top bowlers," -> Stremmel said. "I could see newcomers or average bowlers, you -> know, getting into it for that reason because it's cool or -> they think somebody might think it's cool." BOWLING JUST GOT EVEN COOLER! AYYYYYYYY! -> The scents can help bowlers' concentration, since many bring -> the ball near their nose at the lane, Kloempken said. -> -> "It gets into a natural part of the routine for a lot of the -> bowlers," he said. "It gets them in a certain frame of mind." "Beer Frame Of Mind". I call country-western song title on that. -> Joe Cerar Jr., owner of Wisconsin's largest bowling retailer, -> Bowler's Pro Shop in Milwaukee, attests to that. Cerar said -> his peppermint-scented ball helped him last year when he -> competed in the PBA Senior Tournament. Yeah, he probably couldn't have won if he hadn't used a ball. He'd be just another mime swinging his arm through the air and then getting shoved out of the way by people who wanted to actually bowl on the lane. And in a fight between The World's Greatest Mime and a Serious Bowler, my money would be on the bowler, no matter how fruity his ball smelled. -> "I felt more calm and relaxed," he said. "I went from nervous -> to calm and I was smelling the peppermint." -> -> Cerar's shop has 15 different scented balls and he said the -> smell makes a difference when someone chooses between two -> balls of the same price. -> -> "On a fringe customer who is undecided, it's sometimes a -> determining factor," Cerar said. Fringe balls! Now there's another idea I could patent! They'd be like Kooshes except you could knock pins down with them instead of just throwing them back at Rosie O'Donnell! -> Two people, of thousands, have told him they wouldn't buy a -> ball because of the scent, he said. -> -> John Petroff, 46, of Milwaukee, was in the shop recently to -> order cinnamon-and amaretto-scented balls. He has 10 to 20 -> balls, which include cinnamon apple, wintergreen, blueberry -> and peppermint scents. -> -> He doesn't pick them just for their scent, he said, but that -> doesn't hurt. -> -> "The bag does smell better especially when you have four or -> five of them," Petroff said. I think we've found the perversion for next week's "CSI". A guy who can only be aroused by smelling a big pile of bowling balls. -- K. So, anyone want all these superballs I have? They've got New Car Scent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:51:20 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper > > into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma > > that would make other bowlers cry. > > [Article on scented bowling balls - snipped] > > The lawsuit from someone attempting to assemble a Carmen Miranda-like hat > out of scented bowling balls is inevitable. Tragically, the lawsuit could > be prevented if these idiots would only realize that you don't have to use > 16 pounders when making headwear out of bowling balls. They make featherweight hollow plastic ones that can be used to demonstrate proper technique without requiring the muscle exertion that would put your muscles into the position they'd have to be in while using the proper technique. The main customers for these fake bowling balls are people who make funny hats, and gym teachers who want to scare kids by tossing bowling balls at them during dodgeball matches. When I went to school, in New York, there was always half a semester where we had to go to the local bowling alley and bowl. When the teacher was explaining how to bowl, he'd always try to make the kids pay attention by chest-passing his fake ball at them. Nowadays, most bowling alleys have balls as light as 6 pounds for the kids and women to use. In my day, balls only went down to 10 pounds. I like to bowl with a 13, because nobody else uses a 13. (A 14 is a weight that gives me good control, but it gets me tired before the end of the second game, I can go at it a lot longer with a 12 or a 13. I may not have much muscle strength, but at least I'm not a gym teacher.) -- K. Also I want a clear ball with my old gym teacher's skull inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:04:24 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When I went to school, in New York, there was always half a semester > > where we had to go to the local bowling alley and bowl. When the > > teacher was explaining how to bowl, he'd always try to make the kids > > pay attention by chest-passing his fake ball at them. > > The teaching of bowling should be compulsory in all schools throughout the > world so the poor, harrassed, and underpaid employees of our nation's > bowling alley's aren't continually being asked to teach people with no > knowledge of the game how to "play bowling". Yeah, that's more important than teaching them how to pluralize words like "alley". > You get zero (0) guesses as to one of the jobs I had whilst going to > college. So were you a Bowling Alley Usher before or after you worked at NASA? > Especially as I've metioned it several (3) times in this group at > various points in the recent past (the last 7+ years). Never mind that. Tell us how to play bowling. Also tell us how to _enjoy_ candlepin bowling. You can't, Dr. Scientific Bowling Guy. -- K. I bet you bowl with a pi-pound ball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 22:52:56 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > True story: a co-worker of mine, who was a size 8 THE BITCH, came to > work ill one day because the night before, she had eaten two entire > Halloween bags of Milk Duds. It was the kind of bag that contained 50 > tiny boxes of about 3-5 Milk Duds each. She said she woke up in the > morning, surrounded by 100 tiny boxes and with a huge stomach ache. > I admired her so much. I still have some of those old Jar Jar-shaped lollipops if you want to try sending her on another exciting adventure involving potentially poisonous sticky candy that tastes like it came out of Jar Jar. I can imagine that if she went to the hospital with 500 Milk Duds fused together inside her, the X-ray of the bolus would make the Guinness Book under "World's Largest Superball". Hey, we could try feeding her superballs. Either that or just mail a couple boxes of them to her and see if _she_ can get rid of them. I bet she eats at least one of each color to see if they all taste the same. -- K. They're sugar-free! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:01:08 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > One of my best friends in high school used to complain about how hard > it was to find size 2 clothes. I told her to fatten up and she > wouldn't have that problem any more. I don't think that's what she > wanted from me, but it was exactly what I needed, right down to the > part about never complaining to me about her inability to find clothes > that fit her properly again. We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady from knowing how many inches around they really are. Men measure their shirts and pants in actual human inches, not "sizes". Though, curiously, hats are inches divided by pi. I guess that started back in the days when heads were perfectly circular. (I take a 7 3/4. The circumference of my head is 7 5/8 times pi, but for stiff hats I buy one size up because my brain is brain-shaped and not burger-shaped.) Apparently the lower half of my body is a nice Vitruvian square, because my pants are "32x32". 31x32 works too, but I gotta have room to breathe. -- K. My wrists are two different sizes, but when I buy leather gloves I usually just get XL ones because my hands are so big, so there's no chance of them being snug on either wrist anyway. Allegedly my glove size is 8 1/2, but there's no way I could fit into an 8 1/2 insulated leather glove. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:23:34 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. > > And, unfortunately, they have you by the, er, clothing, Good thing they don't put Velcro on women's clothing, or they'd never be able to escape. Women cannot break the iron grip of Velcro, which is almost as strong as men. > so get away with having -every single clothing manufacturer- label > them according to slightly different measurements, and some of the > manufacturers vary within their own product spaces. So "I wear a > size 8" _still_ doesn't mean anything without you take the measuring > tape and the ruler and do the measuring thing, or else try them on > one after another and get all depressed because -some- of the size 8s > are too small on you while others aren't. Yeah, and they don't tell the gals which dress goes with which purse. They should put Garanimals on them. Men know that everything goes with everything. > [...] > > Dave "I found much of this out years ago working for Talbots, and > have thought ever since it may be why guys shop for clothes in > five-minute intervals instead of three-hour ones" DeLaney It never takes me more than five minutes, 'cause they just don't have that many things at Wilson's, and they're all overpriced. -- K. And how come women who are "Size Zero" still have mass? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:16:45 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by > > the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches > > because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady > > from knowing how many inches around they really are. > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! Once upon a time, Liberace and Jack Benny and Oscar Wilde were sitting around deciding on whether "EE" or "C" would be the wide shoe, and they laughed and laughed. Actually, it was more "tee-hee" than real laughing, but you know what I mean. > What kind of idiots would we be to take measuring tapes to all our > clothes just to make you happy? Sensible, pragmatic idiots who want things to fit correctly? > You don't even like gurlz any more and we are not going out of our > way for you, bucko. You'll either figure out what we mean when we > tell you what the manufacturers have already figured out for us or > you'll measure the clothes for yourself. So what height are all the "size 2" women in the world? I mean, my clothes all have height and width, but women's clothes just seem to want to know whether or not you're fat. I know all women are shorter than all men, but I had no idea you were all the same height. > If our dogs don't bite you in the ass before you can get to the > closets, anyway. Every dog I have ever had will go straight for > the leather shoes every time, so I assume they would love a whole > leather outfit. I know a really nice tricolor border collie who always wants to lick my clothes. He doesn't bite 'em because he's a good dog. He's really submissive and likes nothing better than to wait for you to throw the ball. He's decided to structure his personality around doing whatever he thinks will make the humans happy, and he's been trained that humans give him approval when he fetches the ball, so he never gets tired of fetching, or even by sitting at your feet staring fixedly at the ball waiting for you to throw it in a few hours. Trust me, he loves leather but no way would he bite me. So you raise bad dogs, huh? -- K. I bet your dogs don't even know the perimeter of the scalene triangle Kevin's dog walks him around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:35:48 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they > > allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. > > You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! > > Oh, I don't know. I think the men who don't like women are > responsible for the great colors, shapes and fashions. It is the > marketing/management guys who do the whole size thing and they must be > men who like women because everyone knows you can't have gay men in > positions of power or authority or in any position to try to figure > out what real people like or are willing to pay for. I said "sissies", not "gay men". Half of the gay men I know are very good at getting people to confess what they like and how much they'd be willing to pay for it. (The other half are the ones they practice on.) The thing is, you want the sissies in charge of designing poofy dresses and you want the butch ones in charge of hurting the shoplifters. You could do it the other way around, but then you wouldn't need _any_ sissies to be the security guards, because nobody would bother trying to steal any of the hundreds of identical, solid black rectangular dresses that bolt onto your body with a motorcycle wrench. Sheesh, wimmin. Ever notice that women can shop for up to 50,000 identical shades of red lipstick but men don't have any need for lipstick? This is because if men wanted each others' lips to look bloody, we know the way knuckles work. -- K. Women shave their legs, while real men never shave anything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.fan.warlord,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Seaquest DVD ? Followup-To: alt.tv.seaquest Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:45:01 -0500 In alt.tv.seaquest, "primus16" (primus1631037@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anyone know if and when it might be released in season box sets on DVD . I > have the series on tape that I recorded off tv but some of the tapes are > degrading with age. http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/newsbyshow.cfm?ShowName=S&StartRow=1 would be a good place to look for news of an upcoming release if one were scheduled, but one isn't. Last I heard, Roy Scheider had a dozen sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest and was threatening to blow up Universal Studios if he ever saw a "seaQuest" DVD. > -- > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > > Primus16 ( south Ga. U.S.A.) > The Sky Is Not The Limit , Nor Are The Stars. > Upward & Onward Higher & Higher Beyond All Dimensions > Look There And You Will See Me. > > Sky links" The best achievements are worth repeating". > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW Those piranhas look pretty sick. I don't think that those two tiny acupuncture needles will be enough to cure them. I suppose if I told my computer to display articles in Arial instead of a fixed-pitch font, they'd probably turn into something else, like a pair of upside-down Bart Simpsons with four ears each, and the needles would get all stubby, but then nobody else's articles would line up, so I won't bother. -- K. And now, I will sign off with a small picture of Darwin The Dolphin, in the new Mangle-Proof(TM) picture format developed by NASA! space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe space space space octothorpe star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space space octothorpe star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space octothorpe star star star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star star star octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang star bang star bang star octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space space space space --return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang star bang star bang star bang star bang star bang octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space space slash underscore return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe space space space space space slash slash underscore underscore return space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe slash slash slash space space backslash return space space space backslash space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space underscore backslash space space space space octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe return space space space space backslash backslash space space octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space underscore underscore underscore backslash backslash octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space slash space space space backslash octothorpe bang bang bang dot octothorpe space space space space space space space star star star star star space octothorpe space space space space space star star star space space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot dot star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot octothorpe space space space space space space space space star star star space space space octothorpe space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe star star dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space space space space space star star star star star space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space space star star star star star star star octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang star octothorpe return space space space octothorpe bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot star star star star star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot octothorpe dot dot bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot octothorpe dot bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe star dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang dot dot dot dot octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space octothorpe bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space octothorpe star star 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star star star octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe bang bang bang 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octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang octothorpe bang octothorpe octothorpe bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star star octothorpe return space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe bang bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang star star octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star star star star star star star star star bang bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe nerd nerd nerd nerd ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: George Michael (and not the one who likes blowjobs) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 00:52:16 -0500 Okay, after all these years, it's time for the "Sports Non-Event" TV show "George Michael Sports Machine" to go. I will award an imaginary box of pretend Virtual Candy to the person who writes the best story about "George Michael _____________ Machine". You write the comedy! Note: There will be secret bonus points if whatever type of machine it is mangles Spot, and there will be double secret point deductions if the story uses the word "Wham!" So get to it. Start writing. George Michael Pasta Machine, George Michael Back-Shaving Machine, George Michael Stupidity Machine, George Michael Boiling Gunge Machine, George Michael Fart Machine, whatever. -- K. I bet this show seemed a lot cooler back in the 1940s. WOW GEORGE MICHAEL'S FUTURISTIC MACHINE IS A BIG BOX WITH A SCREEN ON THE FRONT AND THE PICTURES MOVE!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Now that's what I call disturbing. Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 07:50:05 -0500 So I decided to watch a double feature of the Criterion DVDs of Suzuki's "Tokyo Drifter" and "Branded To Kill" tonight, and "Branded To Kill" left me all, "Wow, that just smacked me around the room real good, and that film reminded me that I still need to watch the DVD of 'Un Chien Andalou'", so I watched "Un Chien Andalou" for the first time in many years and I was all "Oh, look, he cut up an eye, like I haven't seen that in eighty-three movies already, and oh, look, ants coming out of stigmata just like every episode of 'CSI', and oh, look, Jodie Foster's had her mouth replaced by a death's head moth, ho hum la de da it must have been so easy to be surreal back in the silent-movie era, yawn" and then I poked through the DVD extras and yes, I even watched the one everyone says Criterion shouldn't have included, namely the vanity portfolio of artwork by whoever they hired to design the DVD box's insert, and when I got to the screen listing some of their design clients a name jumped out at me and I yelled "AUGH! IAIN SINCLAIR!" but I don't know whether they mean the British novelist or the transistor radio designer or the Australian guy who created alt.religion.kibology back in 1991 so now I have to admit, yes, I was shocked by something on the "Un Chien Andalou" DVD but I don't know how Salvador Dali' managed to sneak a prominent Kibologist's name into the filler that justifies the company charging a dollar a minute for a DVD of a flickery, badly decomposed 17-minute film. And that's how I spent my summer vacation except it all happened tonight. The End. -- K. "Branded To Kill" may have broken my TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: shoplifting leads to gunge Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:32:51 -0500 [www.news24.com] -> -> Man beaten, painted red -> -> M Taunyane and C Kgosana -> -> Johannesburg -- A young man accused of stealing a bottle of brandy -> was admitted to hospital after being beaten and red paint poured -> over his naked body. Dear newspaper publisher: You should fire the editor for not giving this a headline with the obligatory newspaper headline pun about the man being "caught red-handed". Wait a minute, this is a South African newspaper. So instead the editor should be fired for not making the obligatory newspaper headline pun about the man being "colored". -> Vusi Tosche, 21, said he went to Robby's Liquor Store in Hillbrow, -> Johanneburg on Saturday to compare prices as he wanted to buy some -> alcohol to take to a friend's birthday party. -> -> Tosche said: "I was just holding a bottle of Klipdrift when a -> security guard approached me." From the producers of "Backdraft", it's "Klipdrift"! An exciting movie where firemen who then became office managers are trying to keep any of their paper clips from wandering into the next office! "Hey, don't go out the door with that printout -- it's got one of my paper clips on it!" Remember, kids, Wirey The Owl says, "Only YOU can prevent Clip Drift!" -> The security guard took Tosche to a storeroom at the back of the -> bottlestore and left him there while he went to call the owner. -> -> "The owner came in with a bottle of cane spirit, which he forced me -> to drink. I was unable to drink it all, so they forced my mouth open -> and poured it down my throat." -> -> Tosche said he was threatened with torture if he didn't finish the -> bottle. -> -> "But I couldn't finish it. I drank half of it." He was then ordered -> to undress. -> -> "The owner left the storeroom and came back with a five-litre can of -> wall paint. He told one of his employees to paint me," he said. Sure, many kinky store owners have a kinky fetish for tying up shoplifters, stripping them naked, and bodypainting them. But WIMPY kinky store owners just tell their employees to do it. Never steal anything from any liquor store where the owner gets a woody whenever he sees a Sherwin-Williams sign. -> The employee poured the can of paint over Tosche. -> -> "After painting me they beat me with a steel rod." "I'm gonna bar you from my store, and then I'm gonna rebar you!" -> When City Press arrived at the police station -- after the police -> had been called to a nearby restaurant where Tosche had fled -- -> he was covered in a black plastic bag and his body showed evident -> signs of a beating. -> -> Tosche said that after the beating he asked for his clothes but the -> owner chased him away. -> -> In the charge office, Tosche told City Press: "As I ran away naked -> from the store, they followed and continued beating me." -> -> The restaurant staff called the police and only when they arrived -> did the bottlestore owner bring his clothes. Never mind that. What we really want to know is: Were all the clocks in the store set to "4:20" to clue us in to the fact that Quentin Tarantino accidentally made an entire movie while stoned? -> Tosche was taken to the Hillbrow Hospital. -> -> The bottlestore owner was arrested. -> -> Hillbrow police spokesperson Constable Mduduzi Zondo said the -> bottlestore owner was charged with assault with intent to do -> grievous bodily harm and causing public indecency. He will appear -> in court on Monday. Never mind that. Bring out Uma Thurman to make the pun about "ketchup". -- K. You get five liters to a can in South Africa? Here it's less than four. I feel cheated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:43:42 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I know this is a simple question, but I'm a math bozo. > > Every night I walk my dog around the perimeter of some large man-made > basins; they're there to catch run-off from the foothills in the event > of flooding, but that's not important right now. My route is roughly > in the shape of the scalene triangle shown on this page: > > http://regentsprep.org/Regents/math/triang/LTriangle.htm > > From C to B is 3/10 of a mile. From A to C is 2.5/10 of a mile. So how > far is it from A to B? > > Candy for the nurd with the first CORRECT answer. Nobody gets candy because Not Enough Information Was Given. If we knew at least one angle (i.e. if it was a right triangle and not a scalene one), or if we knew the length of the third side, some simple trigonometry would let us make you look like a math bozo. Just give us an angle, or tell us the length of the third side, and then we can tell you how long that third side is. But by knowing only two sides and no angles, all we can say is that the distance from A to B has to be less than A-to-C-plus-C-to-B, but greater than zero, unless we're dealing with a degenerate case, you pervert. Your homework is to measure at least one of the angles. If you have a compass, face each path at your favorite corner and note the deviation from magnetic north, you deviated prevert. If it's the angle at C, then we can use side-angle-side (SAS), but if it's one of the other angles, then we'll cram your ASS into SOCATOA. -- K. What color is the dog? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 19:30:49 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > The triangle is now a right triangle. In addition to determining the > length of the hypotenuse, Sheesh, people knew about the Pythagorean theorem before they had even invented pants: a*a + b*b = c*c Since your sides are .25 and .3 miles (and so are your triangle's), .25*.25 + .3*.3 = .1525; sqrt(.1525) = .39 (approximately) Therefore, your perimeter is about .94 mile, assuming your dog doesn't use metric. You could also estimate it easily by noting that a and b are each 1/20th of 5 and 6, and a famous integer solution to the Pythagorean equation is a triangle with sides of (5, 7, 8), so a triangle of (5, 6, c) would result in c being a little less than 8, and since we're working in 20x scale, a little less than .4 mile. To make it even easier to do in your head, switch to walking around a triangle that's exactly 3 miles by 4 miles, 'cause (3, 4, 5) triangles are cool, although I think the (5, 12, 13) triangle is niftier. Your homework is to find three integer solutions for a*a*a + b*b*b = c*c*c Have it on my desk by the time you see this article. > prove that Rich Holmes isn't trolling me. Well, your squareness is in inverse proportion to your depth, but I'm not sure which letters should be used to represent them in order to make the best swear word. -- K. a*a*a + b*b*b = c*c*c is best known as the intermix formula that powers all starship warp drive engines. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 00:07:38 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You could also estimate it easily by noting that a and b are each 1/20th > > of 5 and 6, and a famous integer solution to the Pythagorean equation > > is a triangle with sides of (5, 7, 8), > > Bzzt xxx. 3,4,5; 5,12,13; no 5,7,8. (Hint: you forgot to carry a 1. > Assuming you're using base 10 of course.) Stop trying to ruin my fun, you sadist! I was trying to see if I could convince Professional Writer Kevin to look up information for himself, the way Archie Plutonium won't. You know, Archie's all, "Blah blah blah, I demand to know the atomic weight of boron, which I am guessing is about 4000 because I am the King Of Science And Guessing Games, now you tell me how right I am!" and Kevin's all "Waah! My triangle only has two sides and my pedometer doesn't work because it keeps pointing at Michael Jackson!" Fun fact: There are only two known right triangles whose areas can be typed using only one button on your calculator. They are (3, 4, 5) with an area of 6, and the demonic (693, 1924, 2045) whose area equals SIX! SIX! SIX! SIX! SIX! SIX! That's SIX SIXES! And people think the area near Bermuda is the Devil's Triangle, when really this imaginary triangle is far more likely to steal your soul and/or the plane it's in. > > Your homework is to find three integer solutions for > > > > a*a*a + b*b*b = c*c*c > > > > Have it on my desk by the time you see this article. > > That's trivial, especially since you didn't specify non-negative, or that > c can't be zero... Sssssssh! He doesn't know about negative numbers if he never got past Pythagoras when he was reading the encyclopedia from back to front. I'm assuming he was reading it backwards because he must have been holding it upside-down for all those hours, as you'd have to be quite the bozo to attempt to read an encyclopedia. So, David, be quiet, or Archie may beat Kevin to disproving Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's Best Practical Joke. -- K. And David, I never use base 10. You ought to know that, as you probably use base 666666 -- I've seen you biking around with Satan's Sadists, changing road signs from miles per hour to cubits per centon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: Math Nurds Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:46:18 -0500 TMG@Nowhere.org wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > Every night I walk my dog around the perimeter of some large man-made > > > basins; they're there to catch run-off from the foothills in the event > > > of flooding, but that's not important right now. My route is roughly > > > in the shape of the scalene triangle shown on this page: > > > > > > http://regentsprep.org/Regents/math/triang/LTriangle.htm > > > > > > From C to B is 3/10 of a mile. From A to C is 2.5/10 of a mile. So how > > > far is it from A to B? > > > > Did none of you bother to -look at- the triangle he said it was > > in the shape of, and see what that angle might look like? He -gave- > > you an angle; he just mimed it, instead of typing it. > > Sorry - I was miming the answer. It was something between 0 and infinity > and my fingers got tangled. > > Feel free to type a different answer, I'll sign it into ASL for those > following at home. First off, Kevin said "roughly". So not only did he imply the diagram was inaccurate, he wanted us to smack him around. Secondly, from my measurements of that diagram, side BC is about 25% longer than side AC, while Kevin said his BC is 20% longer than AC. Therefore, not only is he lying to us about what shape his triangle is, he lied about the size. I refuse to believe that that little pink-and-blue triangle is 3/10 of a mile wide -- looks more like about an inch. David, which side of the triangle is the angle of the Subway "old cut" and which side is the "new cut", and why is the meat blue? I thought that was just at Arby's. -- K. I want to see a video of Kevin making one of those 135-degree turns. Does he do it in the approved Chuck Jones manner (by skidding around the corner on one heel with the other leg sticking straight out) or does he halt and pirouette? Which sound effect does he get -- "bongo run" or "wacky slide whistle #7"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear kibologicalated conputter ekspurt type person Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:05:58 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I been having troubles with my avg antivirus program. It isn't playing nice > with my system. It made a windows protection error. when my thing boots up > it stops after the msmouse.vxd shows on the screen during a stepbystep > confirmation bootup. I know it is avg doing it because i dont have that > problem after i remove it. I like avg and want to keep using it but help me > make it act right. Then try removing everything from your computer except your average antivirus program. If it conflicts with Windows, then one of the two has to go. Have you considered OS/2? > -phy (also Deadwood is a cool tv show) That's the one that claims to have a character called "the Gimp", right? Such a disappointment. -- K. I use an operating system which is not only immune to viruses, but which is so old you can't even buy anti-virus software for it, so it's a win-win situation for me, especially since I wrote all those viruses that are eating your computer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:01:56 -0500 Dean Lenort suggested I take this article apart: [http://redmondmag.com/reviews/article.asp?EditorialsID=486] -> -> Passfaces: Face in the Crowd -> -> Passfaces authenticates users by having them recognize faces instead -> of remembering passwords. -> -> September 2004 : by Rick A. Butler -> -> Passwords are the de facto standard for user authentication these -> days. Good passwords are not easily broken through methods like -> dictionary attacks, social engineering, or the "man-in-the-middle." -> To stay ahead of these types of attacks, we devise longer, more -> complex passwords, but they often end up becoming cumbersome, -> counterproductive, and even insecure in the long run. -> -> If a password is too complex to remember, a user will invariably -> write it down. Users often lose passwords as well, which prevents -> them from logging on until IT intervenes. And they lose passwords only because bozos keep telling them they must never write them down! Look, writing down a password is not a security risk for most users -- if I have a password in a desk drawer at my office, then only someone who is in my office can get that password, and basically anyone who's got physical access to said office already has about 20 other ways of taking my computer apart. The only thing wrong with passwords is that they result in people being subjected to lectures about Proper Password Management. Don't write it down! Change it every week! Hit yourself over the head so that even you don't remember it, in case the terrorists torture you! -> Passfaces, from Maryland-based RealUser, takes a decidedly different -> approach to authentication. Coming in two flavors, one for Active -> Directory and one for Web servers, Passfaces uses facial recognition -> to verify a user's authenticity. The concept is based on cognitive -> authentication, or verifying something you know. How is this -> different from entering a password? While it derives from the same -> family of authenticators, Passfaces leverages the mind's inherent -> ability to recognize faces, which is easier than remembering a -> random string of numbers. That's because not everyone can remember their own phone number, but everyone can automatically recognize random faces, just like how everyone can see colors, hear sounds, walk, or have a penis. This moronic "Passfaces" idea is discussed in my new book, "The Software Company That Mistook 'The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat' For Something That They Didn't Read Because They Didn't Know What It Was." Almost everyone can remember their own phone number, because that phone number is more important to them than a password (even though they don't get to choose the phone number the way they do with some passwords.) For the people who have memory trouble, they can write the password down, and the rest of them can go around lecturing people how YOU SHOULD NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN!!!!! But what are face-blind -- or REALLY blind -- people supposed to do about this stupid software that turns logging in into a wacky picture-clicking game while simultaneously making it less fun? The assumption is that if you can use the spreadsheet or E-mail program at the office, you can probably work with letters and numbers. Requiring people to pass tests of arbitrary neurological functions in order to be allowed to type a memo is pretty silly. And I don't just say this as someone who's largely face-blind, I say it as someone who's not stupid. -> Here's how it works: The program introduces the user to a grid of -> nine faces, from which he picks one to remember. He is then -> presented with another grid of nine faces and so on, depending on -> the number of faces the user is required to recall to complete -> authentication. By selecting faces as opposed to remembering -> passwords, users are far less prone to losing or forgetting their -> logon credentials, even if they're rarely used. The mind has an -> uncanny ability to remember faces. How often have you said, "I know -> that face, I just forget the name." Never. About as often as a color-blind person says, "I know exactly what red looks like, I just forget what its name is." -> For IT administrators, installing and configuring the software is -> relatively painless. Install it on your domain controllers and the -> clients that need to log in. There was one slight snag during set -> up. Users need to be able to edit their own account container in AD, -> so you're going to have to bestow write access on SELF in the ACL. -> (There's a tool in the bundle to do this automatically). Oh, shut up. Tell you what, install the missing parts of my brain and then I'll tell you how painless it was. -> Once installed, the software runs very cleanly. Passfaces acts as a -> supplemental authentication system, storing its hash in the User -> Comment field. Should you want to use a different attribute in AD to -> store this hash, you'll need to get a customized version of -> Passfaces. I particularly like the software licensing arrangement. -> You purchase by the user, not by client installed. "I particularly like the software licensing arrangement." is one of those sentences you just don't hear often enough, ranking right up there with "Gee, that was a delightful harmonica serenade," and "Wow, your ear wax tastes terrific." -> Passfaces is easy to use, so much so that I went through the -> Passfaces training procedure with my five-year-old daughter, -> selecting and training her to find the five faces which would let -> her logon to a system. She completed the process with no effort at -> all. The product relies on the human brain's ability for pattern -> recognition, as opposed to remembering a sequential string of -> characters. What other type of string of characters could there be besides "sequential"? Hmm, I suppose you could tie the two ends together to make a circular string of characters. Quick, someone patent that as long as we're talking about bad ideas for new types of passwords. -> Passfaces doesn't completely replace the need for a password, as -> users are still required to provide a password in order to reach the -> initial Passfaces logon exchanges. DOIPY DURP DURP LURPITY DURRRRRR NUR NUR DUR DURP DOIP DOOOOOOORP DUHHHHHH!!! So fucking brilliant, these software designers. They're coming up with computer interfaces less realistic than the ones you see on "Walker, Texas Ranger". -> Since there is an additional level of authentication though, -> you may not need complex passwords. How about a lock on the front door of the building? Or is that so twentieth-century? I guess now it would have to be something with a force field and phaser beams and a robot that can say "THE INTRUDER WILL NOW BE DISINTEGRATED!" -> The biggest downer with Passfaces is that if you have a password -> complexity policy in place, you have to configure and use Passfaces -> to comply with that policy. Networks like governmental systems -> require a complex password policy to pass the accreditation -> procedure for Information Assurance. Passfaces only uses 4-bits per -> face, meaning it would take 16 faces to meet the equivalent of the -> eight-character password. Um, no, someone writing under your name already said it shows nine faces per screen, which may indeed be greater than 3 bits, but it's still considerably closer to 3 than to 4. Approximately 3.169925, according to my primitive calculator that requires me to use letters and numbers to communicate with it. Hopefully someday they'll replace it with one where you push Elmo to do base 2 logarithm, and Bert to do a cube root, and Cookie Monster to see Elmo and Bert dance... -> Passfaces replaces the aggravation of remembering complex -> alphanumeric passwords with a more intuitive approach -- No, it's a more UNtuitive approach. It's insulting to the intelligence of the typical person, it's useless to the blind or the face-blind, and worst of all, it's not as secure as an actual password. The point of having passwords is that YOU HAVE TO HAVE PASSWORDS. If you replace the password with "to log in, you have to do a backflip, say three Hail Marys, stick your finger in the hole, and eat a peach!" that's not as good because IT'S NOT A PASSWORD. We communicate with people by using words. Words have the a higher information content than, say, flapping your arms. This is why for applications that require a high degree of information communicated with little effort, typing a word in one second gets across more bits of data than an hour of flapping your arms and clucking like a chicken could. Of course, it might be funny to trick office managers into installing software that tells their employees to do that, but that doesn't make it logical. One of the main features of real passwords is that, because they can be communicated by typing, they're not displayed on the screen, and can be typed so fast you won't be able to correctly observe what someone's fingers are doing when they type "ty!99wox". On the other hand, if you logged in by clicking "redhead, fathead, zitface, bear, hooker eye makeup" then anyone looking over your shoulder could see exactly what you were doing. You can also communicate passwords to your users by distributing them through normal human communication means -- by writing them down or saying "tee, why, bang, ninety-nine wox" on the phone, but it's a little harder to do that with a series of faces, unless the program's library of a large number of faces includes one and only one redhead, one and only one fathead, one and only one zitface, and so on. Hey, here's an idea -- all the faces could be movie stars! And then you could teach someone their "passface" by telling them "Benny Hill, Morgan Fairchild, Sting!" And they could prove to the computer that they knew this "passface" by typing those names in! And for conciseness they'd just have to type the initials of each name! And that abbreviation could be called A PASSWORD! -> a bonus on lower security networks that need a bit more clamping -> down. Most networks should be clamped down with some large brass clamp that fits over whatever computer has administrative access to the network, to keep anyone from installing stupid software like "Passfaces". -> If you have a complex password environment already, you're going -> to have to relax your security policies (if you can) to implement -> Passfaces, otherwise the tool could potentially become a burden -> on your domain. YOU MUST RELAX YOUR SECURITY POLICIES TO IMPLEMENT "PASSFACES"! IF YOU DON'T IMPLEMENT "PASSFACES" YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL FOR NOT HAVING TRENDY WEIRD PASSWORD MANAGEMENT SOFTWARE WHICH MUST BE GOOD BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFULLY USING FOR YEARS! IT MUST BE GOOD BECAUSE IT SOLVES A PROBLEM WHICH DOESN'T EVEN EXIST! -> Rick A. Butler, MCSE+I, is a Senior Network Engineer for SI -> International. When not doing something with computers, he's reading -> something, writing something, perfecting his foosball game, or -> deciding the fate of monsters with the roll of a 20-sided die. You -> can contact Rick about "Face in the Crowd" at mcpmagrick@adelphia.net. I'm sorry, but that would involve remembering how to type "mcpmagrick@adelphia.net", and therefore it's not cool. Wake me when I can send an E-mail just by using my mouse to move my arrow to the picture of the button that will shake the big box of faces until the one that looks like he wrote an article fawning over some stupid press release floats to the top. -- K. "I'm sorry, but I can no longer use 'Passfaces', because it looks like a blank screen -- I just went bozoware-blind." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 03:36:57 -0500 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Passfaces, from Maryland-based RealUser, takes a decidedly different > > -> approach to authentication. [...] How is this > > -> different from entering a password? While it derives from the same > > -> family of authenticators, Passfaces leverages the mind's inherent > > -> ability to recognize faces, which is easier than remembering a > > -> random string of numbers. > > > > But what are face-blind -- or REALLY blind -- people supposed to > > do about this stupid software that turns logging in into a wacky > > picture-clicking game while simultaneously making it less fun? > > I've got a idea that will work UNIVERSALLY. Have naked wimmin. Oh, fine, now you're being _really_ mean to blind people. And feminists. I think blind feminists might not care, though. > Everyone likes naked wimmin. I can't rememember faces, but I could > definiteily get my 8 bytes worth of information out of remembering the > correct sequence of naked women. With the 60 gigs of pr0n we all > have, there's plenty of material for the database too! > > Much easier remembering slightly chubby sexy young thing, followed by > red haired, followed by girl in glasses, followed by large (natural, > of course) breasted, followed by leather, followed by girl in corset > with nipples poking out the top, than remembering a couple of dinky > little mug shots of faces. > > Um wait, why I am I telling you the contents of my ~/pr0n directory? I want to know how you managed to avoid having two copies of the same Playboy copyright violation with different filenames, or as is even more common with stuff that originates on the Web, 500 nearly-identical exposures of the same person in the same setting. The rule of amateur porn seems to be that you point the camera and go click-click-click like a fashion photographer, except that the fashion photographer would just use the best shot, and the pornographer posts every single shot, including any that look like the inside of a lens cap. > Anyway, for best results, the jpegs are each 8192x4096 in size. I think that would make it harder to identify them. Any given screenful would just be a couple of freckles. Here's an idea that should appeal to any bozo who likes the "Passfaces" idea: Have a multiple-choice interface. CLICK ON YOUR PASSWORD a) mum!wurp b) y278zh4 c) CoOtIeZ1 d) 54&sj16 And then after you clicked either you'd get in or you'd see "WRONG. YOU HAVE 3 GUESSES REMAINING." -- K. Then Regis Philbin would give you a trillion dollars. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 00:52:45 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Passfaces doesn't completely replace the need for a password, as > > -> users are still required to provide a password in order to reach the > > -> initial Passfaces logon exchanges. > > Okay, I LURV THIS STATEMENT!!! I so needed a good laugh tonight! > This doesn't mean I am going to sign up for this great new system that > is easier than entering passwords because you get to memorize faces > after you enter a password. Needing amusement is no reason to get > stupid. Aw, damn. You've ruined my whole philosophy! > I hate memorizing passwords and have a lot of difficulty with them > since I banged my brain. But I also have more difficulty with faces, > though not as much as some people who shall remain nameless do. At > least I can write my password down so I don't forget it. If we had > this security system, it would be like one of the most painful parts > of my job over and over again, only I wouldn't even be able to cheat > by looking it up in the yearbook. I find I can remember dozens of different passwords, provided that I get to choose my own, and if I use them frequently enough that they're important to me. Because I use a different password (and different E-mail address) for every Web site I register with (different passwords for security, different E-mail address so that if some catalog sells my name to spammers I can shut them off) I have to maintain records of hundreds of passwords and addresses. And because I know they will have to be recorded this way, I make the passwords really cryptic things like "y&z_672j" (not an actual example) that wouldn't be easy to brute-force (i.e. unlike AdultCheck passwords) and yet I can still remember the ones I use often. However, I can't remember the middle names of the Three Stooges. This is probably because I was never interested enough to consider that they even had middle names, assuming they did, I dunno, I just made this up without thinking. > And another thing... I hate those universal traffic sign thingies. I > find myself translating them into words so it takes so long to figure > out what the sign is telling me that I have no time to actually do it. > I understand they are easier for a lot of people, but I'm not a lot of > people, dammit! "This scale has an electronic brain and cannot be fooled..." sorry. I don't mind when someone uses an icon that's easy to recognize and can be puzzled out without needing a cheat sheet, but often people make up new icons that don't look like anything and are just baffling. And they put them in the worst possible places -- as warnings that mean "THIS MAY KILL YOU". There's only one _word_ that "Sesame Street" teaches pre-literate kids to recognize -- "DANGER" (well, also "PELIGRO") -- so if anything should _not_ have an iconic representation, it's "DANGER". My personal favorite example, enlarged from a scan I made of a very tiny instruction sheet for some sort of electrified lollipops and/or temporary tattoos: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_electrodes_600.gif I think the bottom row is "Not for use on Negroes; Key will not fit Matchbox car; Do not switch heads and bodies; Not for use on Deformed Kermit; If Woody Allen tries to steal these from you, throw his eyeglasses on the ground and stomp on them." Also, apparently you can only use these at a quarter past noon. Medical devices tend to have such bizarre what-will-kill-you rebuses. They really should have words and numbers. Where can you place these, where can't you place these? How many volts? What if someone has a heart condition? How many times can you reuse them? Are there any allergens in these? Are they kosher? But instead you get a little comic strip suggesting everything will be fine as long as you don't re-create any of the five surreal abstractions at the bottom. It's like a "Bazooka Joe" strip without all those words. Here's a more innocuous example. See if you can explain all of these to me: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lock_icons.gif I'll get you started: The upper left box is "bike lock". The other seven, science cannot explain. -- K. And if Republicans use an elephant and Democrats use a donkey, who gets a kitty? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 20:52:37 -0500 Dave Brown (dagbrown@LART.ca) wrote: > > [...] > > What's the official international symbol for "danger", anyway? One eyebrow lower than the other, not blinking, and cracking his knuckles. -- K. What's the official international symbol for "international symbol"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:58:54 -0500 Bill Marcum (bmarcum@iglou.com.urgent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lock_icons.gif > > > > I'll get you started: The upper left box is "bike lock". > > The second one looks like a sock lock, to keep your socks safe from the > sock ninjas that hide in the dryer. The third one has big black fangs. > And why would you need to lock your spoon onto your cereal bowl? Because you _can_. Sheesh. What good are locks if you don't use them all the time? It would be a terrible tragedy if a burglar stole your spoon but left you with your cereal bowl filled with yummy cereal you could no longer figure out how to eat. Lock everything down at all times, especially if someone could touch it. -- K. I should've stolen that bike lock from the store just so I could prove it didn't work and would therefore be entitled to double my money back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Passfaces: Software specifically designed to piss me off Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:50:30 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lock_icons.gif > > > > I'll get you started: The upper left box is "bike lock". > > They're easy: "kneeling woman in sari lock", I know what a double jock lock is, but what's a sari lock? And can you please post photos of Indira Gandhi in one? > "venomous frog carrying halberd", THIS IS GARY GYGAX FETISH. DOUBLE PLUS TWO PERVERTED. GARY GYGAX IS UNMUTUAL AND MUST BE UNVERTED. ACTIVATE THE DEATH ROBOT AND SEND IT CRASHING THROUGH A FLIMSY BARRIER OF SOME TYPE. > "robot restrained behind barbed wire", It'll never work! Robots eat barbed wire for breakfast! Robots wipe their asses with barbed wire! Robots take their contact lenses out by shoving barbed wire up their nose, and they don't even say "...and I hate it when that happens!" because robots are too busy being smarter than barbed wire to quote old "Saturday Night Live" sketches. > "badminton racquet committing suicide after botched surgery to change > it into a mirror", Don't make me quote an even older "Saturday Night Live" bit about Dr. Renee Richards's tennis equipment and lack of balls. > "Danger! Do not kayak in Blob-containing areas!", "The fools do not realize that 'blob' is short for 'web lob'! Dr. Renee Richards will smite them with a mighty swish of her badminton racket!" > "Does this briefcase clamped to my wrist make me look fat?", THIS IS FAT SECRET AGENT FETISH. SEND IN DIANA MOON GLAMPERS TO RE-GLAMP THE CLAMP, THEN DISPATCH LETTERMAN TO TURN THIS GIMP INTO A HARMLESS CHIMP. OOK OOK. > and "When a mommy luggage and a daddy suitcase love each other very > much, they start their journey to the Baggage Carousel by having tags > wrapped on their handles by antigravity fish". Now that's just weird. Weirdo. > > And if Republicans use an > > elephant and Democrats use > > a donkey, who gets a kitty? > > Dave "HELLO NADER HAS NO MOUTH" DeLaney Don't make me quote a relatively recent "Sesame Street" sketch where Ralph Nader tried to sing "A consumer advocate is a person in your neighborhood" but it sounded like the singing of a robot wrapped in barbed wire because he has no mouth and mustn't sing. INSERT HOWDY DOODY BUTTON INTO PANCREAS AND PREPARE TO SMILE -- K. An imaginary box of real Virtual Candy goes to the first person who will pretend to know all the references. ZORP ZORP FOOSBALL ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bike lock Rorschach (was: Passfaces) Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 04:26:29 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > See if you can explain all of these to me: > > > > http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lock_icons.gif > > > > I'll get you started: The upper left box is "bike lock". > > Bike lock. But they forgot to attach the bike to anything! No wonder someone picked up the bike, stole it, and made it into a crappy icon. > Gym sock listening to an iPod. For months, I've been trying to figure out of this one's animal, vegetable, or mineral. I really have no idea. I think you might be zeroing in on it. I see the Glorious Leader's disembodied nose wearing a ballet slipper and a nose ring. And that's pretty similar if you think about it. > Japanese schoolgirl decapitated by tentacle. "Look out! It's Sailor No-Head!" > Luggage caught in a cargo net. These new tuna nets won't kill dolphins, but will make them lose their luggage! > Art Nouveau hand mirror wedged into a chainlink fence. ...in a classic "upskirt" position. Who needs an old-fashioned shoe mirror when you can just use a bike lock, a hand mirror, and a roll of chicken wire? > Beware, there are water elementals in the pond! That's what I saw too. So it must be right. I can't even find where the bike lock is supposed to be in that picture of the boat being slimed, let alone figure out how they expect me to use a bike lock in the middle of a lake. (Yes, these instructions were on a real, cable-style bike lock that cost a whole dollar.) > Weird planet where people have attache cases but not > handcuffs or regular buttons. I don't like buttons, but I'm not sure whether I would enjoy that planet. > _West Side Story__ performed by luggage. Or possibly _Othello_. Maybe it's Frank Gorshin's luggage. And he's on a ship which is arriving too late to save a drowning witch. -- K. Is it my imagination, or have Roger Price's "Droodles" gotten as lame as "Mad Libs"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Movie night in Providence on Friday Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 01:14:46 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Plorkwort is in the Boston area this week, so to celebrate I am hosting > a movie night this coming Friday, 18 March 2005 in Providence, RI. > > Some things that may or may not happen: > > - The watching of Turkish Star Wars! I'll bring the Brazilian one too. It's got better costumes but it's 500% stupider. > - The unveiling of Doctor Who Tall Socks! Pippi, get back in the Tardis! You and Adric and Wesley have to stay in the Tardis's crawlspace until the grown-ups are through having fun! > - The eating of weird snacks! That reminds me, I need to clean out my fridge... Is Canadian-style bacon still good when it looks like cotton balls? > - The recording of Kibo and maybe other people saying or singing weird > stuff for possible use in some Interrobang Cartel recording or other! I'll bring my bottle of Intensive Hair Reconstructor and read the ingredients aloud in a dead voice. Because that's what people demand. > - Other fun stuff that I'm forgetting about! Should I bring my slightly fuzzy tape of the "CSI" episode titled "Wil Wheaton Goes Nutzoid"? It would go well with the "Freaks & Geeks" DVD where Stephen Lea Sheppard has the knife through his head. > Festivities to start at 6 pm, but if you can't show up until later > that's fine too. > > If you're in the greater Boston area and are interested in attending, > send me email and I will send you directions and suchlike. > > If you want to come but need a ride send me email anyway, because maybe > something can be organized. I need a ride. Maybe two. > Also, I am posting this here instead of sending email to people because > I think I've lost lots of people's email addresses because I am a spazz. > > Arrrr. Are you a spirate or a pirazz? -- K. I still wish I had the Lebanese "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: mmm, tastes like metal Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 02:57:14 -0500 Would you rather have onion rings in your nose ring, or vice versa? [www.billingsgazette.com] -> -> Wyoming considers banning facial piercings in restaurants -> -> By Curtis B. Wackerly -> -> Associated Press -> -> CHEYENNE -- As if the hair in your salad wasn't bad enough, a city -> health inspector here said there had been "several cases" of tongue -> rings and other facial jewelry found in the food in the city's -> restaurants. ...shortly after the invention of the combination transporter-and-chloroform device which could beam jewelry from the inside of someone's mouth into someone else's burger without the first person noticing it being ripped through their tongue. These things really don't fall out without you noticing. And if they do, for it to jump into the food, you'd have to actually be spitting at the food at the exact moment the tongue ring came out, and what are the chances of that? You know, people with tongue barbells _eat_ all the time and I've never heard of someone swallowing their barbell. And that seems like it would happen about a million times as often as it jumping into the middle of someone's hamburger patty. -> It was enough to persuade the Governor's Food Safety Council to -> recommend banning facial jewelry for restaurant workers who prepare -> food -- perhaps becoming the first state in the country to do so. -> Katherine Kim of the National Restaurant Association said her -> organization isn't aware of any other state that banned facial -> piercings. -> -> But despite his testimony, when contacted by The Associated Press, -> Jon Cecil of Cheyenne Health Department couldn't cite a single -> documented case of facial jewelry falling into a restaurant dish. Mmm-hmm. -> That's not what he said in a Jan. 25 hearing before the Food Safety -> Council. -> -> "We've had several cases of old ladies finding tongue rings and -> rings and whatnot in their food," Cecil testified. "We actually had -> a lady at one of our finer restaurants in town and ... she found a -> tongue ring." What I'd like to know is, how did she know it was a tongue ring and not a nose ring or eyebrow ring? The same jewelry can be mounted in different places. Did this woman lick it and say, "This tastes nosey!"? And doesn't anyone else find it suspicious that this guy thinks that only "old ladies" can find things in their food? Are we supposed to believe that young men just chew up titanium without complaining? -> The council voted 5-3 to recommend the changes, which could go into -> effect as early as this spring. -> -> Dean Finkenbinder, environmental health director with the state -> Department of Agriculture, said he needed the council's approval on -> the regulation's final language; after that, the regulation would be -> subject to a 45-day public comment period and require the governor's -> signature to be implemented. -> -> Cecil said he learned of the incident from the restaurant, not from -> the customer, so no formal complaint was ever filed. He would not -> release the name of the restaurant. Of course. Because not only is it an imaginary restaurant, even if it wasn't he still wouldn't have heard about it, because everyone knows there aren't any restaurants in Wyoming -- just tumbleweeds, cows, and the canyons they keep falling into. -> Plenty of restaurants bar employees from wearing piercings other -> than earrings for aesthetic reasons. But in approving the -> regulation, the food safety council said nose, tongue and lip -> piercings were health hazards because a piercing that found its way -> into food could spread a staph infection. -> -> Dr. John Townes, an assistant professor of infectious diseases at -> Oregon Health Sciences University, said nose rings could transmit -> staph bacteria -- the inner nose is one of the most common sites for -> staph to colonize -- especially if the wearer had a habit of -> touching the nose ring with his hands. And double especially if he's in the habit of ripping his septum out without noticing, in order for the ring to get into the food. -> But Townes said a nose ring would have to sit in a plate of food for -> hours before a sufficient population of bacteria built up to spread -> the disease. Townes said he knew of no documented cases of foodborne -> illness resulting from facial piercings. -> -> "I think it would be vastly more important for them to wash their -> hands," he said. I just had a great idea: A hamburger with piercings. You could take a White Castle patty and thread little onion rings through the holes. -> What's more, Troy Meeks, general manager of the Snake River Bar and -> Grill in Cheyenne and a 23-year veteran of the restaurant business, -> said he had never heard of piercings making their way into a -> customer's food. -> -> "It sounds kind of silly to me," he said. In other news, scientists have determined that despite being a flyover state, Wyoming contains at least one intelligent person! -> Cindy Weindling, vice president of the Colorado Restaurant -> Association, saw little reason to ban facial jewelry. -> -> "I don't see a health hazard," she said. "If it's not a health -> hazard, why do we need a regulation?" To _make_ it a health hazard. Duh! -- K. My nose rings are clip-ons and I haven't even lost one of them, let alone one of the kind that go in permanently. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: If they'd had this in 1983, I might have liked "Return Of The Jedi" Date: Tue, 15 Mar 2005 05:07:25 -0500 Lego in introducing a $300, eight-inch-wide model of the raggedy Death Star from "Return Of The Jedi": http://shop.lego.com/product.asp?p=10143&cn=4&d=5&t=3 with the main photo mirrored at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lego_death_star.jpg I like how it has a little green plastic death ray coming out of it. However, you have to watch the goddman Ewoks prance around for an hour and a half before you can fire it. Still no answer to my most important question about the only logical flaw in the "Star Wars" movies, though -- the Death Star, like all buildings in the "Star Wars" universe, has a bottomless shaft at its center in case anyone ever needs to fall into a bottomless shaft. However, the Death Star's nuclear reactor is a blob of light hovering in that shaft at the exact center of the Death Star. So if you fall into the shaft from one of the lower floors of the thing, do you fall up into the reactor or down into the Death Basement? -- K. I hear that in the next movie, Jar Jar dies when someone smashes the Lego Death Star on his head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: yadda yadda yadda, want to take a bath in hot sauce with me? Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 01:27:20 -0500 Found via Fark.com: [www.klfy.com] -> -> Hot Sauce Leak Shuts Down Lane of Willow St. -> -> Lafayette police were forced to shut down a portion of Willow Street -> at the Evangeline Thruway Monday evening. -> -> Fire officials say an 18-wheeler loaded with Louisiana Hot Sauce -> began leaking its liquid cargo onto the roadway. YEE-HAW! -> Firemen say they not only succeeded in hosing off the road, -> they also ended up inhaling enough of the hot sauce to clear -> out their sinuses. YEE-HAW! -> This was apparently the second time in the same day that the -> truck's cargo of hot sauce containers ruptured for some reason -> and began leaking. YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW! -- K. Suddenly I'm hungry for some reason. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New theory of people's motivation Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:31:37 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > The noisy chimp gets the banana. > The naughty chimp gets a cattle prod. > The nasty chimp will rip off your balls. I get to take away the chimp's banana because I _have_ a cattle prod and balls. I guess that destroys your whole theory. I get to destroy your whole theory because I have a cattle prod in one hand and a banana in the other. Therefore, I'm demoting you to "the incorrect chimp". The incorrect chimp gets to read this. -- K. Today at Toys R Us, they were selling a _mechanical_ "Tetris" game for kids. (It looks like Connect Four, but with lumps.) Which chimp thought that was a good idea? It costs more than real Tetris. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 05:49:38 -0500 I mentioned this earlier... And now, a full writeup instead of a brief writedown. Today at Toys R Us I encountered -- in the board game section -- "Tetris Tower 3D". It's a plastic, electromechanical Tetris. (Not an actual board game, though they did also make an actual Tetris board game ones just so parents could make their kids cry on Christmas morning.) Tetris Tower 3D is a blue plastic thing into which you drop the five different tetrominos (there's only one handedness of the "L" and "S" pieces, apparently they couldn't figure out how to put plastic enantiomorphs into the same bag as the others without causing a matter/antimatter explosion that would destroy the entire Universe.) Speaking of destroying things, my understanding is that no matter how many plastic Lego-like Tetris tetrominos you drop into the blue plastic Plinko board, the bottommost row never, ever goes "GLOIK!" and disappears, which means it's missing at least 90% of the gameplay of real Tetris. It appears, from the TV commercial on the makers' Web site, that the way it automatically keeps score is that every row has a little lever next to it like the flag on an old-fashioned country mailbox, and whenever you complete a line you flip that little lever, and then at the end of the round you count the levers to see what score it automatically tallied. The device's electronic circuitry consists of a timer and some blinking lights. The people in the commercial keep laughing maniacally and pointing at each other's faces from three inches away to gloat at their amazing plastic Tetris prowess, before an avalanche of giant Tetris blocks crushes them in the manner they deserve. The woman playing the mother is clearly an escaped mental patient. I'm not sure what makes it "3D", because everything else you can buy at Toys R Us possesses three-dimensionality, except for those new Lego sets that include tesseracts. The thing's Web site (at www.radicagames.com) blathers: > > * Experience Tetris in a whole new way! Touch and feel the > Tetris pieces! OH MY GOD I'M TOUCHING AND FEELING A SQUARE! AND THE SQUARE IS TOUCHING A LOSER! By the way, _real_ Tetris squares are red, not yellow. > * Best selling video game is now the first interactive > tabletop Tetris game Wake me when they do the second non-interactive toiletbowl Tetris game. > * Sensors track the tetraminos [sic] as players drop them into > the game Vegetables are sensuous. People are sensual. TetraMin fish food is sensored. I wish this Web site had been censored. Kids at home, you can make your own "tetraminos" by gluing together pairs of "daminos". Those are like dominos, except that instead of dots they have pictures of Sam Neill blowing smoke rings that say "666". > * Filled with lights and sounds to enhance the experience Does it include that Cossack midget who comes out and stomps around spaztacularly until a tiny fish hook strangles him? If not, then it's missing the non-gameplay parts of the Tetris experience in addition to missing everything else. > * 1 to 2 players ...throughout history. > Ages 8 and up Any eight-year-old who spends $25 on this is as big an idiot as anyone who ever thought that "Blip" was just as good as Pong (when actually it was even better because real Pong didn't have that exciting knob you could twist around a hundred times whenever you wanted to wind it up.) > Availability: Now > Batteries: TBD Where can I get these TBD-size batteries? Oh, wait, it's short for "To Be Determined" because even the bozos who designed this thing with their eyes closed can't bear to open the box to behold the horrors within. Wake me when they make one that runs on BVD batteries. I leave you with this photomontage I made of the crazy Tetris lady's three favorite facial expressions: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_tetris_tower_woman.jpg Here are the things she's screaming in those photos: 1.) "GLOIK!" 2.) "GLOIK!!" 3.) "GLOIK!!!" -- K. Get the hook! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 15:48:05 -0500 [re the scary woman in the mechanical "Tetris" commercials, at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_tetris_tower_woman.jpg ] Mr. Stabby (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I find gloik lady strangly arousing. Of course she would probably > bite my head off after sex, but still good times, good times. Some men like bad girls. And some men like bad actresses. I'll see if I can get you Joyce Kulhawik's phone number. Not only is she awkward on camera but still frighteningly intense, she also loves bad movies. You could have sex with her while she's shouting out "Pokemon: The First Movie!" and Roger Ebert watches in horror. Either that or you'll just have to spend the rest of your life jerking off to Elvira's show. I'm sure that's what the makers of "Zontar, The Thing From Venus" wanted you to do anyway. -- K. Notice that the boy next to the scary mama looks like he _knows_ she's going to beat the crap out of him for not being a good enough "Tetris" player. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 20:18:35 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Oh yeah, I forgot: d20 Tetris. Includes 128-page book, five > weird dice. Requires the d20 Core Rules, a Dungeon Master > and at least two players. The "Trivial Pursuit: The '90s Edition" which I was shopping for when I saw the mechanical "Tetris" -- and which I didn't buy because it's $30 and that's too much to spend just to buy the one card that has my name on it -- is different from regular "Trivial Pursuit" in that the dice are one d6 and one d10, and the four player markers shown in the catalog photos are these things associated with the 1990s: * a giant handheld computer. * a tiny stock certificate. * a giant cup of cappucino. * a tiny blond guy imitating Jimi Hendrix playing the guitar. No word yet on whether they've had to recall any of the cards for being misprints (like the one which inspired the "Seinfeld" episode where George killed the Bubble Boy) or for being politically unpopular (such as the card in the original "Trivial Pursuit" which asked how many months pregnant Nancy was when she married Ronald Reagan. That was a mean question anyway because they wouldn't accept "two" or "three", they wanted "two and a half".) If anyone can spare a "Kibo" card from their $30 "Trivial Pursuit: The '90s Edition", send it to me, and I promise I won't make fun of you for very long over the fact that you paid $30 for a board game that I could beat you at. -- K. I want it put on my tombstone that I am the answer to the world's hardest trivia question. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 20:07:25 -0500 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (there's only one handedness of the "L" and "S" pieces, apparently > > they couldn't figure out how to put plastic enantiomorphs into the > > same bag as the others without causing a matter/antimatter > > explosion that would destroy the entire Universe.) > > We superbeings who inhabit the Third Dimension are able to offer our > services in this regard. Send us half of your L and S pieces and One! > Thousand! Dollars! in small, unmarked, two-dimensional bills and we > will return them to you with reversed handedness, parcel post. (Add > Fifteen! Dollars! and! Ninety! Five! Cents! for overnight service.) > > Sorry, we are unable to reverse handedness of SOMA cube pieces 5 and 6. > > Actually we can do that, now that I think about it; it's pieces > 5 *or* 6 that we have trouble with. They only had the "Block Out" arcade game at the Teddy Bear Arcade for a short while, because it made no money because I would play it. On one quarter, I could usually get past the levels where the "handed" Soma tetracubies would come down, though it was the solid version of the "X" pentomino that would always hose me. The solid "X" is a real ninker. The game doesn't throw any nastier caltrops at you. I've mentioned before that my favorite feature of "Block Out" was that at the end of every level, it would use as animated background filler a list of the English names for UNIX system errors and signals, meaning that occasionally the game would flash "DEATH OF A CHILD" without actually killminusnining any toddlers. This was just to fool you into thinking the game was running UNIX which it couldn't have been because it had a TV screen and therefore could only have been a WebTV. So to get back to the mechanical "Tetris" where you drop blocks into the top of a "Connect Four" board, I guess the equivalent off getting hosed by the "X" in "Block Out" would be getting an "S" as the first piece in the plastic "Tetris". There should be a "Tetris" piece that looks like the octomino that's a 3x3 square with a hole in the middle. Clearing it would be worth double, because it's twice as big as an ordinary tetromino, and also, it would be impossible, so it _better_ be worth extra points. -- K. Clint Howard was playing "Tetris" on his Apple II when it threw a pentagram at him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 01:15:12 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > They only had the "Block Out" arcade game at the Teddy Bear Arcade > > for a short while, because it made no money because I would play it. > > On one quarter, I could usually get past the levels where the > > "handed" Soma tetracubies would come down, though it was the solid > > version of the "X" pentomino that would always hose me. The solid > > "X" is a real ninker. The game doesn't throw any nastier caltrops > > at you. > > "Block Out" was the second to last game that made me actually venture > out to go to a video arcade. It had no sound, so I didn't know > the face-guy was supposed to talk aloud. What, you thought that it was _supposed_ to show you a silent close-up of a face with only the lips moving for a few seconds after every level? Usually in the real world, when people are moving their lips, either they're making noise, or they're doing something more interesting than hovering on the inside of a picture tube, if you know what I mean. > Now that I have MAME, I'm glad the sound was off, because that > guy's lines aren't even good enough to be considered corny. He just says stuff like "Challenge me." and "You are a worthy opponent." and "I warned you, nobody beats me." and "Block Out." It's just what happens when arcade games try to talk smack without threatening anyone enough to stop playing. Also they only seem to have digitized about four things for him to say, so you do get to hear "You are a worthy opponent." over and over by the time you get to level 25. > I wouldn't have heard it anyway; there was some ticket-dispensing > game behind me with the Harlem Globetrotters theme in square waves > as its attract music. Those weren't square waves! Those were fun-kay waves! > [...] > > And yes, that cross-shaped block is a hyperbitch. I find that I last > marginally longer in the game if I try to assume that the cross is > always coming next. Well, of course. You always have to build something with two blocks sticking up with a little gap between them, just so you'll have a place to put a cross (or "T" tetromino.) And you have to have a flat spot so you can throw the "C" pentomino on its back. (But the "C", when used that way, then becomes the perfect place to put the cross.) -- K. You are not fun-kay, you jive tur-kay. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 08:38:05 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, of course. You always have to build something with two > > blocks sticking up with a little gap between them, just so > > you'll have a place to put a cross (or "T" tetromino.) > > And you have to have a flat spot so you can throw the "C" pentomino > > on its back. (But the "C", when used that way, then becomes > > the perfect place to put the cross.) > > [...] That's the "U", actually. TUVWXYZ,FILPN: twelve pentominii. I am not a slave to Martin Gardner's nomenclature, and I never will be, you pentominazi. Show me where Robert's Rules Of Pentominos, as published by The International Pentomino Sanctioning Body And Glee Club, says I can't call a "U" a "C". In the real world, a "U" is taller than it is wide, so what you have on your hands is either a horribly deformed "U" or a perfectly good "C", see? Also, the one you call "F" is called an "R" by all of Martin Gardner's columns about the impossibility of ever determining the final outcome of that pentomino in Conway's "Life" game, and I believe we just agreed that you're using Martin Gardner's nomenclature, so double burrrn on you. Or in your case, double bufffn. And what you call an "N" looks more like an "S", and that would be more logical in your system anyway because then you'd have "STUVWXYZ,FILP", and nobody ever objects to a good filp. Certainly not Martin Gardner, unless an E-meter is involved. As penance for your attempts to force me to adopt the nomenclature of some guy who stole his whole name from a yellow space on the "Monopoly" board, I sentence you to tile an infinite plane with monominos while listening to an eternal tape loop of Jim Henson singing about them. -- K. Don't make me sing the "Blip" jingle. Yes, I know all its word. The Catskill Game Farm used to use the same tune with a different word: "BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS, BEARS..." Monty Python stole it and ruined it by adding a couple extra words. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 19:47:57 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > tetrominoes > > tesseracts > > Exactly how much do you get for hits on dictionary.com? Have you considered reading Madame L'Engle's famous children's books, "The Wind In The Willows" and "Tom Swift's Tilting Planet"? They're all about the terreracts and midichlorians in your mitochondria, and also, you should read the Narnia books and "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" so that you'll love Jesus and hate Oompa-Loompas. A tetromino is four squares (a "domino" is two squares and is fun to knock over.) A tesseract is a hypercube. Read Heinlein's "And He Build A Crooked House", especially the part about the crooked cat who keeps disappearing except for his vertical smile. If you circle the 19th letter of every third sentence and connect them, it makes a diagram of a famous chess move if the book is printed in a proportional font, but if you use monospace it makes an intermediate state of the evolution of the R pentomino, whose ultimate fate cannot be computed by any computer smaller than a Multivac the size of the Solar System. -- K. So where do you park your tachypomp? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 19:38:44 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> * Sensors track the tetraminos [sic] as players drop them into > > -> the game > > > > Kids at home, you can make your own "tetraminos" by gluing together > > pairs of "daminos". Those are like dominos, except that instead of dots > > they have pictures of Sam Neill blowing smoke rings that say "666". > > Tetraminos are short peptides containing four amino acids, like > MALG, VTGG, MILF, PIMP, and GILF. So what's the longest word you can spell with amino acids, and can you genetically engineer me an animal whose DNA spells out KIBOISAMILLIONTIMESMOREAWESOMETHANEVENIFCAPTAINPICARDHADSUPERPOWERS, and what would it look like as it oozed around on your laboratory floor crying, "PLEASE KILL ME!"? Also, which amino acid is the one that makes food crunch-tastic, which one is crunch-ariffic, and which one is crunch-tacular? Food science has yet to explore the many dimension of crunch. -- K. And can you bake me a cellular peptide cake, with mint frosting? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tetris Tower 3D Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 08:52:33 -0500 Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, which amino acid is the one that makes food crunch-tastic, > > which one is crunch-ariffic, and which one is crunch-tacular? > > Food science has yet to explore the many dimension of crunch. > > Except they seem to have the 'tear up the roof of your mouth' > vector pretty well plotted out. Oh yeah? Then someone should tell Ben & Jerry's. They can't make any ice cream flavor without adding sharpened fragments of obsidian, carborundum, slag, and almonds to shred your tongue. I think this is to distract you from noticing that their ice cream doesn't taste half as good as HŠagen-Dazs, which costs the same and is all natural, except for its totally fake name. Also, Ben & Jerry's employs the homeless. Of course, if they were in another country, we'd say they exploited the serfs. But they're American so it's good that they're putting poor people to work making luxury ice cream which costs 17 times as much as gasoline. (Ben & Jerry's is $4.79 a pint here, gas is circa $2.20 a gallon.) HŠagen-Dazs sells for the same amount, but the money goes to some fake Swedish country where they don't have homeless so we don't have to worry about HŠagen-Dazs exploiting the homeless, although there's always the risk of the management being overthrown by Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, and Greg Morris. > Why are shrimp chips so easy to eat, but Fun-Yuns prevent the > enjoyment of any other food for the rest of the day? Who cares? Some of us are happy to just eat Funyuns for an entire day. Or White Castles. And, White Castles never hurt anyone. Doritos, they used to kill millions of people before they started making them with slightly rounded corners. The Doritos, not the fat slobs who eat them. -- K. HŠagen-Dazs should make a White-Castle-flavored ice cream. Ben & Jerry's would do one with a mixture of Doritos and X-Acto blades. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Erotic Marmite Asphyxiation Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 07:03:47 -0500 [www.thisislondon.co.uk] -> -> Children 'terrified' by Marmite ads -> -> Adverts featuring a giant blob of Marmite spread left children -> "terrified" and having nightmares, it has emerged. -> -> The TV commercials centre around a large brown "amorphous" object -> described as reminiscent of the monster from the 1950s science -> fiction film The Blob. ...but even more like "Turdzilla: It Floated Up From Hell's Toilet". -> In one advert, a couple are seen running away from the blob before -> the woman, realising what it is, smiles and goes towards it. -> -> A crowd of people are then shown either running from the blob or -> diving into it. "Hey, this looks like ear wax! I'd better dive into it!" -> The second advert is similar but includes a man with a cheese -> sandwich who dives into the blob. -> -> Both commercials end with the Marmite slogan "You either love it or -> hate it". I used to like Marmite but since I've heard about their plans to brainwash people into diving into it and suffocating from their nostrils filling with Syntheturd, now I think I hate Marmite. And gunge. -> Six viewers lodged complaints with the Advertising Standards -> Authority (ASA) about the commercials. -> -> They said the adverts had caused "distress" among their children, -> who were aged two and three, after being broadcast around programmes -> aimed at youngsters. But would it be right to broadcast _any_ commercials for Marmite during childrens' shows? Wait a minute. British TV doesn't have any commercials on either of its channels! How can we be sure these toddlers didn't accidentally go to France to watch TV? -> The advertising watchdog said: "All the viewers said that their -> children had been terrified by the advertisements; four said their -> children refused to watch television after seeing it OH NO!!! THAT'S A CRISIS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS!!! -> and a further two said their children had nightmares as a result." And children _never_ have nightmares otherwise! Nothing but Marmite frightens toddlers! -> The Broadcast Advertising Clearance Centre (BACC), which vets -> commercials prior to them going out, defended its decision not to -> impose restrictions on when the Marmite adverts could be shown, -> arguing that the commercials featured "very mild horror that was -> clearly over the top and comical". Except for the scene of the person eating Marmite. That was pretty intensely horrifying, though not intensely flavorful, like salted dirt. -- K. I forget whether I once decided Vegemite or Marmite was slightly less awful. But that's okay, because nobody cares: WHITE CASTLES RULE! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kiddy painting in the news again Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 20:27:12 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [...] > > The one I would most like to see is wacky chimps dismembering a mannequin, > or better yet an actual mime (not like anyone would miss them) after > getting angry over not getting any birthday cake that has just been farted > on. There is not something wrong with you. There is everything wrong with you. > Thanks. Get that away from me. You keep that cake in your pants, mister. NO I WOULD NOT LIKE A FUDGE-BLASTED POUND LOAF! -- K. Do you want a Hawaiian Punch, or a Swiss Wedgie? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid TV advertisements (in general) Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 20:37:50 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Why do TV ads for stupid flourescent drink flavouring, pitch that kids > won't drink plain water. They will at my house or they won't get anything > to drink at all. I am sending the Child Abuse Squad to rub you out right now. Toddlers deserve as much sugar as possible, every half hour, all day and all night! > Also the same thing is done with "plain milk" in other ads to promote > chocolate coated sugar to put in milk (I sent Kibo a tin once.) I don't > know if they are that popular in the US as I don't know what the market > for non-cheese dairy foods is like. Here in the U.S., we put blue Fizzies in our milk, and we like it. > Thanks. That wasn't chocolate-coated sugar, that was Nestle's "Milo", which is an important nutritional supplement that makes people play soccer! This is why you should kick soccer players in the stomach if you want to see them vomit. I think that counts as an infraction, but that doesn't make it wrong. Unlike you refusing to let toddlers have a wiquid wollipop. -- K. The Child Abuse Squad will teach you a lesson by shoving two-foot Giant Pixy Stix up your nose. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's winning? (Posting stats) Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 21:00:38 -0500 "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > [...] > > When you do catch up with yourself, see if you can break your hands. Hands have dozens of bones. Do you mean to break one bone per hand, or all the bones? In either case, just cutting the hands off would be more efficient, not to mention more messy and therefore more profitable because the resulting blood spatters could be caught on some canvases, then framed, and sold to fancy-schmancy abstract art galleries. When fantasizing about violence, always follow through to thinking about ways to make money off the aftermath. Then, only if the numbers work out, should you go hurtomic on someone. Economics trumps hurtomics. -- K. Get to it. Chop chop! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmmm, Fresh brains! (not on special at the supermarket) Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 00:36:52 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > He is also a food snob and thinks he is Christopher Lambert from that > movie with the Queen soundtrack. I don't remember seeing Christopher Lambert in that movie, and I've seen it fifty times. Was he one of the Hawkmen or one of Ming's football team? > Martha Stewart could probably advise the best choice of wine for brains. Dracula had better advice in that regard. You know, as he said in the movie: "I NEVER DRINK... WINK WINK NEON SIGN HINT HINT... WINE! BLAH! BLAH! I AM MARTIN LANDAU! GIMME MY FREE CASE OF COUNT CHOCULA!" > [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] > -> > -> Cannibal slays friend, eats brains fried in butter > -> > -> 17mar05 > -> > -> LONDON: A convicted killer released from a high-security > -> psychiatric hospital in 2002 has pleaded guilty to slaying two > -> people, including an old friend whose brain he cooked in a frying > -> pan and ate. You know how you know this guy's crazy? Because human brains taste really bad compared to the rest of the body. Hasn't he ever heard of spareribs and drumsticks? Brains taste gross, even though they look so yummy! > -> [...] > -> > -> Bryan developed an obsession with eating human flesh, which, he > -> said, was "like eating the forbidden fruit". I doubt it, because people tell me fruit tastes sweet. Brains are bitter and greasy and scream when you wind them around your fork. > -> [...] > -> > -> Neighbours heard screams from the home and alerted police, who > -> discovered Bryan had killed his friend and was cooking the > -> dismembered body and brains in a frying pan. > -> > -> Prosecutor Aftab Jafferjee said Bryan had inflicted more than 24 > -> blows to Cherry's head, chopped him up with the aid of kitchen > -> knives and had already eaten some of the man's brain, cooked in > -> butter, by the time police arrived. You really don't need to add butter to cook a brain, since brain matter is 99.9999999% cholesterol to start with. Check the label on the back of the next can of pork brains you buy. It will say something like "Servings per tiny can: 5" followed by "Cholesterol per serving: 1300% the legal limit". A whole brain would be about 20 cans, or 100 servings, or 130000% the amount that would make your whole body cholexterplode. > -> [...] > -> > -> According to the prosecutor, Bryan later explained that he had > -> been thinking of attacking Loudwell for a few days. > -> > -> "He had wanted to eat him, but he did not have time," > -> Mr Jafferjee said. Time is the only thing keeping all humans from eating each other. If the Earth's core ever slips a little, changing the planet's rotation so that a day is 24.01 hours long, everyone will start chowing down on their nearest neighbor. Do YOU know whether your neighbors own knives? > -> "He said Richard Loudwell was the oldest and weakest in the ward > -> and that he was the lowest on the food chain." Yes, but I'm the pulley that tightens the food chain. > -> [...] > -> > -> In interviews with psychiatrists read out in court, Bryan said > -> eating body parts was part of a voodoo ritual he carried out to > -> transform the power of his victims to himself -- a feeling he > -> dubbed the "quickening". Oh, I get it. This is from that movie with Jet Li. That one where he was throwing motorcycles at people. You know, the one that "The Matrix" was such a total rip-off of. -- K. They didn't dub Jet Li, but they did dub Sam J. Jones. Flash Gordon must be the world's most inarticulate person. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmmm, Fresh brains! (not on special at the supermarket) Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 19:12:55 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "He said Richard Loudwell was the oldest and weakest in the ward > > -> and that he was the lowest on the food chain." > > -> > > -> [...] > > -> > > -> In interviews with psychiatrists read out in court, Bryan said > > -> eating body parts was part of a voodoo ritual he carried out to > > -> transform the power of his victims to himself -- > > Okay, so this guy is using two different and really not terribly > compatible reasons for killing and eating people. Wouldn't killing > and eating the weakest people "transform" their *weakness* into you, > huh, wouldn't it? It depends on whether cooking them made them tough. > He should have killed and eaten someone who would be smart enough > to not get caught, because then he'd have gained the cleverness > to escape detection. SO LET IT BE WRITTEN. The big question is, what if he accidentally ate a sane person? Would he then immediately stop killing people and surrender to the authorities? Or would he just feel kind of sick? I need to know by tomorrow. -- K. Serial killers who prey only on the weak serve an important social function. Let us give thanks to the psychopaths who do Darwin's work for him. The more serial killers we have, the healthier our society is. Evil people can't help doing good things for us! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mmmm, Fresh brains! (not on special at the supermarket) Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 00:14:36 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > The big question is, what if [some cannibal] accidentally ate a sane > > person? [...] would he just feel kind of sick? > > You could ask Armin Meiwes. He must have heard of you because you're > one of maybe ten people on the planet who's weirder than he is. I don't know who Armin Meiwes is, but from his name I can deduce that he's a cross between a Ferengi and a kitten. Why would that make him weird? It's not like he's a cross between Spock and a spork. Now _that_ would be weirder than a cross between Mork and a smock, but not as weird as a four-way between Spock, spork, smock, and Mork. But that would explain why Spock kept giving Mork's "Nano-nano!" gesture whenever his father bummed a ride. I just Googled up Armin Meiwes. Apparently he's that German guy who used the Web to troll for someone who wanted a boyfriend who would eat him. Yeah, I'd heard about that incident. In fact, I remember telling someone all about him while we were on a date. One newspaper article (in German) has a title which translates into English as "The Cannibal Ate My Friend", and I think that would be a great title for either a country-western song or a "Peanuts" cartoon, especially if we change it so that Charlie Brown whines, "The Cannibal Ate My Only Friend!" In the original German, it was "Der Kannibale hat meinen Freund gefressen", which points out a wonderful feature of the German language -- there are two words meaning "to eat". "Essen" is the verb for people eating, and "fressen" is the verb for eating people. ("Essen" is "to eat like a human" while "fressen" is "to eat like an animal".) Curiously, those two words are all I remember from German class. There used to be a really good German restaurant here. Their menu consisted of several species of big slabs of meat, with your choice of a mashed fried potato or a fried mashed potato on the side. However, I don't think they ever listed human flesh on the menu. Maybe if I could speak German better they would have offered me the secret other menu. Knowing how Germans think, I bet that if I had spoken to them with correct grammar and a commanding attitude they would have offered me a bite of Wernher von Braun's actual pickled liver or something else equally disgusting. All of us know that every restaurant has some disgusting food, and this German restaurant never had anything disgusting on the menu, so they must have had disgusting stuff on the secret cannibals' menu. If you're a cannibal who's under 12, should you ask for the kids' menu or the cannibals' menu? Only Howard Johnson has the double secret "Cannibal Kids" menu, to match those placemats where on the back there's that maze where all paths lead Pirate Pete inexorably into the salt water taffy machine. To say nothing of Hojo The Clown, a.k.a John Wayne Gacy. No, wait, he was Pogo The Clown. Which serial killer was Hojo? -- K. One of the people mentioned in this article commited a terrible atrocity: He praised the educational value of "Space: 1999". "Once the lunch comes up, who cares where it comes down, dat's not my department, says Wernher von Braun." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Reading the minds of dead people Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:55:24 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > What sort of techniques are used to read the minds of dead people? Electric drill, and then sandpaper your fingertips before they go in. > I'm not talking about mediums like good old John Edwards, who claim to > speak directly (although garbledly) to dead people. What I mean is > the popular technique of lending authority to an argument by asserting > that it's what a particular dead person would have wanted. > > A general template for the technique is: " would have > wanted ." What sort of retorts should > be used to combat this technique? "No, would have wanted > CANDY!!!" You can't go wrong with the classic "If were still alive, he'd die in minutes if we didn't dig up the coffin he's trapped in!" > I think it's a stupid trick, and I hope I'm never tempted to try to > use it. Yeah, but once you're dead we'll say you always wanted to speak for everyone else. Hey, have you checked your microwave oven for leaks lately? -- K. I heard that everyone who has ever died would have wanted you to watch NBC's "Must-See TV" lineup! The dead speak for must-see TV! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Battlefield Baseball", aka "Battlefield Stadium" Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 07:14:25 -0500 What did _you_ do today? BIG DEAL! Wow, you're lame. I, on the other hand, watched the limited edition 2-DVD Japanese import of "Battlefield Baseball" (also known as "Battlefield Stadium" and "Jigoku Koshien".) All I can reveal about it is that it's the best Spot story to contain Japanese high school students playing ultra-violent death baseball against the guys from "The Road Warrior", and oh yeah, after the feature film grabs you by the ankles and twirls you around the room until blood comes out your ears, there's a short subject whose title translates as something like "World's All-Time Greatest Ramen Jackass" and it'll give your brain a refereshing 7-minute enema. "Battlefield Baseball" is a considerably better movie, than, say, that one where Willem Dafoe played the non-erotic vampire. That one was okay, but it needed more poison baseball bats with giant hypodernic needles filled with all the deadliest poisons known to man plus many medicinal herbs that will keep you alive for a hundred years in excruciating agony. Also nobody's body exploded, let alone before the opening credits. I heartily endorse "Battlefield Baseball", new on gray-market DVD from Happinet Pictures. Warning: Don't try to order it from Amazon.com because the closest match when you search for it will be something where John Travolta has a padded codpiece, and that film's not a tenth as silly as "Battlefield Baseball". -- K. Yes, I know they spelled "Happynet" wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Special shoes for walking on lava Date: Fri, 18 Mar 2005 15:59:10 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Mr. Stabby (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > How about some shoes made of that magical Black Box(tm) material from > > airplanes?? > > How about quoting some of what you're replying to, so we know what the > hell you're talking about? Kevin, how about you buying everyone a subscription to a real Usenet provider so they don't have to use that terrible interface Google Groups now has that knows not of what primitive Earth people call "quo-ting"? > And how about that airline food? What's up with that? It, like, tastes > bad and stuff. What airline are you flying on that still feeds you? My preferred carrier is Delta, which recently announced they will no longer even _sell_ you a can of fake Pringles. -- K. If my shoes were made of Black Box(tm), it would lead to a lot of people firing rays at them to find my balls. DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 7.0 ...unless four of the balls are arranged like so, ..O. O... ...O .O.. in which case you only have a 25% chance of guessing which of the four inner squares is where the fifth one is hidden. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special shoes for walking on lava Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:30:41 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > How about quoting some of what you're replying to, so we know what the > > hell you're talking about? > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. Oh, you're mean. I thought about mocking him for that, but then I realized that maybe he was handicapped, so I couldn't bring myself to tell him to learn to read, 'cause I don't know, maybe he's trying to read Braille without any fingers or toes or tongue or penis. And then I felt bad about not mocking Kevin, because anyone who implies he _should_ understands what we're talking about is clearly a bozo. Does anyone ever have an idea what I'm talking about? Didn't think so. Keep it that way! -- K. I want special shoes for walking _under_ lava. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kevin S. Wilson eats worms and has fleas (was: Special shoes for walking on lava) Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:39:16 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > How about quoting [BLAH BLAH BLAH] what the hell you're talking about? > > > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. > > After two or three follow-ups, any given message in ARK no longer has > much relevance to the subject line. Dude, if you think these "messages" (which are technically called "screenful wackies") have any "relevance", anywhere, ever, throughout the Universe and its neighboring Multiverses, you have a serious reality deficiency that can be corrected only when you realize you've been misspelling "relavence". A.r.k articles have plenty of relavence, which is a relaxing cadence: "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" If that's not a soothing lullaby, I don't know what is! -- K. And now, a complete Spot story from that planet where they have nothing but nouns: Spot match fart boom tears death. They also have the same story on the planet where "tears" is the only verb. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: gunge manages to offend Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 01:51:37 -0500 [www.mailonsunday.co.uk] -> -> Viewer rage at 'birth scene' on children's TV -> -> Children's TV show Dick and Dom in da Bungalow has been -> criticised for a scene involving a pretend birth. "Dear BBC, I am eight years old and I demand to see _real_ birth! Show the birth on BBC1 and the afterbirth on BBC2!" -> About 40 viewers complained to the BBC about the sketch from the -> programme last weekend. -> -> On Saturday's show, sketch presenter Dick, played by Richard -> McCourt, 'gave birth' to a dozen babies. Yeah, well, men have to take so many fertility drugs to get pregnant that it's inevitable that they have a litter of twelve. -> McCourt lay on an operating table as buckets of gunge were thrown -> over co-host Dominic Wood and the show's six young contestants -> from between his outspread legs. -> -> The babies were then thrown around the set along with the gunge, -> described as "creamy muck muck". This sounds like the most brilliant mutation of the genre of British gunge shows yet -- a pregnant man giving birth to dodectuplets and fat-free custard substitute that his vagina hurls across the room by the bucketful. It symbolizes the deep meaning of life, which is something about stuff going splat. -> The BBC said the show was fulfilling its remit to entertain -> children. Most British TV isn't entertaining for children or other living things. Heck, the BBC can't even decide whether their most famous children's show, "Doctor Who", is a children's show or just crappy. -> A spokeswoman said: "Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow is one CBBC's -> most popular shows. -> -> "It is pure fun and entertainment, aimed at 8-12 year olds, so it -> is unsurprising that it doesn't appeal to some adults. I think it should be aimed at 8-to-12-year-olds who are wearing velveteen tuxedos and other fine clothing that the gunge would really mess up. -> "It gives children a chance to laugh and enjoy themselves at the -> start of the weekend and we have many letters and emails of -> appreciation for the show, from both children and their parents. -> -> "We take our responsibility to children and their parents very -> seriously. I hope they don't take their "creamy muck muck" too seriously... "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE GUNGED BY OUR IMPORTED BLEND OF HAND-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MUCK MUCK!" -> "Any criticisms are always looked into, but have to be addressed -> in the context of the target audience for the show and its remit -> to entertain children." -> -> A viewer's complaint was upheld against the duo earlier this year -> after they appeared nearly naked on the CBBC channel. The complaint was, "Nudity's boring and hardly erotic at all compared to gunge! Sincerely, My Parents." -> Wood has also been criticised in the past for wearing a T-shirt -> with a sexual slogan while hosting the programme, which is broadcast -> on Saturday mornings on BBC1 and on Sundays on the CBBC channel. -> -> The duo are set to present an updated version of the classic quiz -> show Ask the Family on BBC2 later this year. I don't know that show. Does it involve creamy muck muck gunge, or just creamy muck gunge? The ultimate goal of science is to create creamy muck muck muck gunge, which would be so messy that you could only safely walk across a puddle of it if you're wearing muk-muk-luk-luks. -- K. And now, a Benny Hill moment: What's browne and sounds like a belle? GUNGE!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is not happy Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 02:13:48 -0500 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com) sort of wrote: > > I guess > > curses > > my theories > faqy > odu Kurt, the letters are falling off the little plastic sign in your brain. I'd tell you what to do about it, but you'd say I was just being mean, and also, you'd complain that it's difficult to get both gallons of alphabet soup all the way up your nose. > when God is not happy you better hide but you can not hide What about when God is gassy? -- K. (God likes Korean food.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:53:48 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Apparently a bus driver popped a clog, ignored his malfunctioning > vehicle and went on a wild ride throughout Boston. I would have clicked > on the link but it was at Boston.com and that website sucks six > different kinds of ass. And you only wanted five? > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have what it takes to do that, little mister. However, I'll do your homework for you anyway, just because I know you're probably busy explaining to Tim Chmielewski why the gal he was hitting on kept staring at his hands when he was staring at that red hankie in her right pocket. > And why people in Boston are so nuts. It's the traffic that causes people to go insane, mainly because the traffic consists entirely of crazy people. They think a red light means "turn left NOW!" and a green light means "go halfway across the intersection then halt for a while!" and a yellow light means "double-park in front of Blockbuster for half an hour." Is this the story you meant? About one of the various El Cheapo Melman Bus Lines that goes between Boston's Chinatown and New York's Chinatown for less than the cost of walking? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> A bus bound from New York to Boston became engulfed in flames on -> the Massachusetts Turnpike early yesterday, but the passengers -> managed to escape with their lives. -> -> The bus entered Brighton with eight passengers about 2 a.m. when -> it caught fire. -> -> ``(The driver) saw some spark, some smoke coming out and pulled -> over,'' said Jason Chung, a spokesman for Lucky Star Travel Pack. -> -> Chung said the bus driver, Shitong Ou, 40, of Malden, had his -> license reinstated in January after a six-month suspension for -> speeding. -> -> Lucky Star is the same company that operated the bus that crashed -> in Canada on April 27, 2000, killing four Newton middle school -> students. -> -> University of Massachusetts student Jonathan Jones told WCVB-TV -> (Ch. 5) yesterday he saw Ou drive for miles on a flaming flat -> tire, and heard the driver's boss tell him to keep going. -> -> Chung responded that the driver saw smoke and flames coming from -> the engine in the back of the bus and stopped the vehicle. He -> said there was no flat tire. Okay, everyone, all together... 3... 2... 1... "CHINESE FIRE DRILL!" [www.boston.com] => => [...] => => Illia said the bus first stopped right after what she believed to => be the Weston tolls. She said she got out and saw white smoke => coming from the rear. A Mass. Pike employee, she said, came over => to check out the situation before Ou examined the bus and ordered => people back on board. Um, excuse me, but if I were "ordered" to board a smoking bus, I would point out that I don't take suicide orders, at least not from Chinatown bus drivers. I only take orders from the sophisticated, highly trained military officers of Peter Pan Bus Lines. => Back on the road, she said, with smoke entering the bus, Ou was => driving slowly while speaking in Chinese on a walkie-talkie. The => bus stopped again, Illia said, and Ou got out, inspected the bus, => reboarded, and decided to start driving again, this time at a => higher speed. => => ''It was really uncomfortable to be there," Illia said. ''We had => a flat, and he kept going." => => She said the episode was not that frightening, but she questioned => his decision to keep driving. ''It was just the wrong thing to => do," said Illia, an architect. => => Approaching the Allston-Brighton tolls, Ou again stopped the bus => and screamed, '' 'Everybody out! Everybody out!,' " Illia said. => ''The whole thing went up in flames." The part of my brain that understands quote marks just went up in flames. => [...] => => According to Illia, Ou initially was calm while being interviewed => by police. But as the fire intensified, she said, he tried to run => away by jumping over a steel barrier between the traffic lanes. => => Police managed to calm him down, she said.Ê I would think Illia halve calmed him down herself, by putting her hand on his shoulder, just like she did when Chekov got his hand fried by that animated plasma-energy discharge. Unless he doesn't like bald women who can't even act enough to seem any different when they're supposed to be playing their emotionless robotic evil twin. Is there a word for "bald bad actress fetish"? Also, is it true that Gene Roddenberry's working title for "Star Trek" was "Wagon Train To Second Base"? -- K. Tim, a red hankie means she's an Engineering officer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:00:11 -0500 [on Tim's female friend flying a red paisley hankie from her right pocket, and/or a flaming bus] Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. > > > > If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have > > what it takes to do that, little mister. > > What about the bus driver you once talked about who used to swerve to > avoid invisible green fires that only he can see? He didn't swerve. All the green fires were on the sidewalk. He just pointed out the window at them while describing them to the passengers. If he had swerved to avoid these imaginary hazards -- which are the same as any other sort of potential hazard -- he probably would have been commended by the MBTA's safety officials and would still be on the road, instead of disappearing like an overcooked red lentil. So I don't think that guy would have what it takes to make me explain how crazy Boston bus drivers are, either. > > -- K. > > > > Tim, a red hankie means > > she's an Engineering > > officer. > > This is just to screw up your formatting. Stop it, you formattingfistfuckerupper! > I am glad my friend doesn't have a computer or access to the internet now. Let's take up a collection and get her a subscription. > Thanks. Don't thank _me_, you pervert. I don't own any hankies, because I don't believe it's hygenic to blow your nose on your sex toys. -- K. What color hankie means "Kibologist", and how do you tuck it into your Groucho glasses? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:58:47 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Yes, I know what this means if a man does it: > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/right_or_left_pocket_small.jpg "If a man does it"? What, women don't have that body part? I have been sorely misinformed about female anatomy. Please tell me how women don't explode. > Ilana was very pretty yesterday in particular. On the outside or the inside? EWWW! > Thanks. I said, EWWWWWW! -- K. By the way, your photo is a little blurry -- I think you accidentally got some of the Crisco on the lens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:13:56 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > > > Tim, tell us, now. Is the news with Ilana not good? Has she tossed you > > over for the guy who throws chairs at people? Are you maybe feeling a > > little bit, well, drunk? > > I don't know, I don't know what she wants. I want a new TiVo, one of those ones with the DVD recorder. Anyone looking for a very simple relationship which can be consummated by a single purchase at Wal-Mart? If so, I promise I won't smother you afterwards. (I'll be too busy playing with my new TiVo, trying to make it a slave to my will.) > She told me she "stayed at home crying" for six months last year, what > am I supposed to say to that? Not "Is that bad?" Not "The contact lenses go in with the _concave_ side facing you!" Not "Stop stuffing your pillow with chopped onion!" Not "Did you know that Schubert's Unfinished Symphony is technically not a symphony, because it's unfinished?" Not "Please stop looking at me, because I want to pick my nose without you noticing." Not "Wow, Alan Alda's signature in the opening titles of 'Scientific American Frontiers' sure looks fake!" And definitely not "Excuse me a moment, I need to go tell the entire Internet what you just said." Anything else you can think of will work, although I would avoid the word "penis", whether or not you are talking to her in the VD clinic's waiting room. -- K. I don't think I've ever thrown a chair at someone. I should try it. Sounds pretty cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eating a Subway Sub during the Goulbourn Sanitation Power Play Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:24:46 -0500 Tim (usenet@timmeehan.ca) wrote: > > Thought this was Kibological interest. > > I moved to the Ottawa area last summer, and attended my first local > hockey game on Friday night. (Of course, Kibo's report from a while > back was on my mind, which is why I'm posting here.) > > The 67's were playing the Peterborough Petes and it was good hockey > (even if the game ended in a 3-3 tie) but what struck me was the, um, > interesting combination of firing complementary six-inch Subway > Sandwiches into the crowd at the same time that the Goulbourn Sanitation > Power Play was in progress... "what struck me", hmm? I hope you didn't get any pickles in your eye. And how did the sandwich taste? Who was firing the sandwiches? The 67's wacky fursuit raccoon guy, the 67's other identical wacky fursuit raccoon guy, or the 67's terrifying human puck guy? Is that weirdly-shaped combination hockey rink and football stadium and parking garage still standing, or has it collapsed into a stable hexaflexagon? Any fights? And how much blood? -- K. I am jealous of you who live in cities that still have professional hockey. Boston needs an OHL team. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The biggest critics never produce anything? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:28:46 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I know Roger Ebert is a movie critic, but at least he worked on a Russ > Meyer movie. > > The bloke at the pub complains about everything, but I never see anything > he produces. > > Similarly, the myriad of toxic individuals who want to knock down anything > they don't like based on what? The fact that you suck? I KEED, I KEED! I KEED BECAUSE I LUFF! -- K. I've done that on a Russ Meyer movie too -- oh, wait, you said "worked" with an "o" and an "r". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 06:46:11 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> Parker Bowles is to marry Prince Charles, who will take the > -> throne once his mother Queen Elizabeth dies, on April 8, and > -> will initially be titled Duchess of Cornwall, becoming Princess > -> Consort when Charles is king. > > As far as I can tell from this garbled sentence, Her Majesty has > a little over a fortnight to live. And who will save the Queen? It's up to Y. O. U. Coming soon to this theater! "Y. O. U.", the first action movie starring Y! O! U! ...in which Y!! O!! U!! will save the Queen from people other than Y!!! O!!! U!!! SCENE 1 (INTERIOR ROYAL MOTOR HOME): QUEEN (sadly) My baloney fell on the floor. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN I am getting quite sick of your insolence. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Why can't I have a talking Corgi like an ordinary royal? (THE MOTOR HOME EXPLODES. THE EXPLOSION TOSSES THE QUEEN OFF A CLIFF, DRESSED ONLY IN HER FRILLY BURLAP UNDERWEAR.) QUEEN Avast! Who will save me now? (A DISTANT BUGLE SOUNDS.) QUEEN I harken! Approaching footfalls warrant the dramatic entrance of the noble hero or heroine -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Pretend she just said your name! QUEEN (continuing) -- who is on his or her horse, which I hereby christen The Horse Of -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She just said your name again! QUEEN Save me, R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She said your name again! It's marvelous! (CUT TO:) SCENE 2 (INTERIOR ROYAL MALT SHOP): QUEEN As I sip my rickey, I bend my straw to -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wow! She keeps saying your name! QUEEN -- who I hereby make a Knight Of The Order Of The Order Which Includes -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Holy fuck! She just won't shut up! She's the greatest! QUEEN That is all for today. Farewell! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She's done saying your name now, so get lost, maggot! MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) What I actually said was, I like to fuck little boys in the EAR. That's okay, right? R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wait, you're not allowed to be -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Pretend he just said your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- because the real star of this movie is the REAL -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Gosh, there's your name again! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- and not -- MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Someone please say my name. QUEEN No. Also I hereby pronounce that you will be the one who will die on April 8, in a tragic Pixy Stix accident, with the sole survivor being my close personal friend -- MICHAEL JACKSON (panicky voiceover) Please don't say your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Shut up, you deviated prevert, this movie isn't about -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) I should say Michael Jackson's name here. R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) it's about -- (ZOOM IN TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF QUEEN'S FACE) QUEEN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Shut your catchphrase-hole, Michael Jackson. MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Waah! A talking penguin stole my name! QUEEN This has been a Quality production. Buy bonds! (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A 48-STAR AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AS THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS.) (FADE OUT.) -- K. Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:47:19 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > YOU WILL. Shush! You're not supposed to know about AT&T's secret contract to develop a new weapon for the US Army -- a gun that wastes other people's time. A soldier just has to connect the gun to any phone line and fire it directly into the Internet, and then vapid blather comes out of every blog on the planet. Scientists with PhDs in digital informatics and applied Internetology are yet unable to explain whether vapidness is transmitted by the ones or the zeros. But it's got to be one or the other 'cause sometimes I can find vapidity on the Internet, even in the most unlikely places. I have two bags of potato chips, but they're both small. Whoops! RED ALERT! I didn't mean to say that, it must be AT&T test-firing their "E/N gun"! Everybody -- DUCK, COVER, AND UNPLUG! -- K. They're both crunchy so I'm not sure which of the two identical bags of potato chips is the best one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:40:25 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > For some of your readers this is Quality time. Sonny boy. Yes, well, I _am_ cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I ain't your son, unless you want to mention me in your will, in which case, hi, Mom. -- K. It's not Quality time, it's Special time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:33:55 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" > (from "The Gay Way" series, MacMillan Education Limited, London, 1952, > 6th reprint 1973). > > This is a book from the fabulous "The Gay Way" series, which is > ostensibly to help kiddies aged 6 to 7 learn to read. Whatever. Hey, kids have to learn to read gay porn someday. And since "Heather Has Two Mommies" and "The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn" got banned, it's got to be "The Gay Way" because otherwise schools will lose their funding if they deviate from the Gay Agenda as measured by the number of recruits they turn out and the frequency with which kids ask the lunch lady for creme brulee'. (Fun fact: When an elementary school cafeteria lunch lady makes creme brulee', she doesn't use a blowtorch -- she usually melts the sugar with her cigar.) > Anyway, "Tom Little and the Kittens" promises much but ultimately > falls short. It begins with Tish, who is Miss West's cat and lives > in Miss West's house, having three kittens in a box in the best room. > Now you might think Miss West would be thrilled to bits as she seems > like the sort of person who could never own enough cats, but you'd > be wrong. Dead wrong. "I cannot have four cats in my house" she says, > "Jack Pook will have to shoot them". Hmm. So if she has one cat, it's okay, but if she has four cats, they all must die. Allow me to conduct a scientific interpolation by fitting a squiggle through these two data points: INITIAL # OF CATS CATS THAT MUST DIE KITTY SURVIVORS 1 0 1 2 1 1 3 2.5 0.5 4 4 0 In the sequel, she gets six cats, which means that Jack Pook has to kill twelve cats, plus any dogs he meets during his day as a letter-carrier. > Wow! There's a twist! Although not a totally welcome one - don't get > me me wrong, I'm all for introducing kiddies to firearms at a young > age, but I'm not sure that shooting kittens is really instilling the > right values. Why not have Jack Pook over to shoot a wild pig roaming > in the back yard? Much more wholesome. Or there could be a dingo and a shark eating the Prime Minister and his baby, and Jack Pook has to shoot them. The dingo and shark, not the Prime Minister and baby. That would be _sick_. > Anyway, just when things look like they're going to get interesting, > in steps young Tom Little. "I will not let Jack Pook shoot the > kittens" he says. Oh boy, you think, Tom's going to stab Jack Pook in > the gut with a knife! But no, the lad manages to find homes for all > the kittens, just in the nick of time. The book finishes with Tom > informing Tish "your kittens will not have to be shot". > > Well, a good read for animal lovers, but a little disappointing for > fans of ultra-violence. I give it 6/10. Here, let me give you the other 40% of the ultra-violence you need. Tom says "your kittens will not have to be shot," and then he draws his knife to stab them. One of the kitties says, "You call that a knife?" and extends its giant adamantium claws. There follows a bloody knife-and-kitten battle, which leaves thousands dead and causes so much structural damage to Australia that it sinks into the ocean. The last surviving Australians swim to the closest land mass, Antarctica, where they freeze solid, and then the kittens pick 'em up and snap 'em in half. John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. -- K. Is there one about the Pink Panther meeting Snagglepuss? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 07:39:04 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. > > There have been two other "Gay Way" stories brought home, both with a > similarly healthy level of violence. I can't remember the names but > the first concerns a young prince who is greatly troubled by an > imaginary bear in his bedroom. ...way... ...too... ...gay... > He visualises the bear as a large shadow, and eventually gets rid > of it by firing an arrow into its gut. Woo! Yeah! Go Princey! Poor bear, doomed by the size of his beer belly! I imagine that if Prince ever really did find an imaginary bear in his bedroom he'd squeal "EEK!" and hide behind some of his purple frilly furniture unless he was smart enough to convince the bear that he'd rather maul Michael Jackson instead of him, but most bears can't tell the difference between Michael Jackson and Prince. Either that or Prince would just call his friend Batman. > The second concerns a car whose handbrake fails at the top of a hill. > As it zooms along its downward trajectory it encounters a number of > cute animals that beseech it to stop. "No no" it replies, a cheeky > grin on its happy little face, "I cannot stop!". "Also I am not affiliated with Putt-Putt(R) Miniature Golf Courses Of America Inc.!" > Well, you just know it's going to end in tears and so it does as the > car is obliterated by a train. By all accounts our daughter was > somewhat dismayed by the grisly death of the personable car, but such > is the way of the modern world, says I. (The fact that the books were > written in the 50's merely adds to the irony). Did it show the firefighters cutting the car apart with the Jaws Of Life in case the car kept a puppy in his glove compartment? -- K. This is why I don't drive. Too many crazy talking cars on the road. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What is the sound of one thousand hands clapping? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:04:25 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [...] > > Also I noticed that "natural calamari" rings are 45% squid. However > "formed Kalamari*" rings are 45% white fish, and 5% squid. > > *Kalamari is a trademark. > > That's a pretty sneaky trick trademarking a name like "Kalamari" so > that you can sell cheap fish squishings as calamari. OTHER TRADEMARKS FOR FAKE SQUID 1. Fish Squidshings ------------------------------- 2. Squiddities (let's see if I can do 20) 3. Calamaxi Pads 4. Tentacloopers 5. Fun Rings 6. Fishcuttlefish 7. Squidentical 8. I Can't Believe Those Aren't Tentacles 9. Lo-Calamari 10. Cuttlethings 11. Suckers 4 Suckers 12. Meat Loaf Of The Sea 13. Onion-Free Rings 14. Squirted Squozen Squid 15. Poots 'n' Tentacles 16. Breaded Things That Live In The Ocean And Other Things 17. Otto Preminger Presents: Squidoo! 18. Tentacleccch (also known as Bill Gainesburgers) 19. Calamaripoff 20. Daddy, What Was A Squid? -- K. "I heartily endorse Your move. Kibo's formatting." -- Zorro ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:10:28 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. It's because everyone loves their puppies, but nobody feels any affection at all for their pet goldfish. This is why you see people eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish brand crackers, although they aren't real goldfish -- those you will find under "Appetizers" at any Chinese restaurant. If you don't believe me, notice that any Chinese restaurant will have a big tank of eels and lobsters and other icky things in the front window, but they keep the delicious goldfish in a pretty little bowl by the cash register. Now, what would be art would be if you rubbed chum on a blender and threw it into the ocean so a shark could swallow it and then you could say "LOOK! A BLENDER IN A FISH!" -- K. I think fried flounder's my favorite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 05:20:49 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. > > fishes have a memory of 3 seconds I don't know, I think that fish aren't as smart as people, although it's hard to tell because you can't make them take IQ tests and *DING* Whoops, that sound meant that 3 seconds of my reply is up, so if I can keep going without changing the subject that means I'm smarter than a fish. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, vinyl. Vinyl manages to smell both very bad and very good at the same time. And then three seconds later you forget whether it smelled good or bad or both so you can smell it again and say, "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" and then three seconds later, you can say "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" Also fishhooks are made of some funny cheap metal that's supposed to dissolve in water and that's why they taste bad, which is the main reason you should eat fish and not fish hooks. There should be a breakfast cereal that's just a big bowl of fish hooks to teach kids how bad they taste so that they won't eat any when they grow up. Also, there should be a cereal made from bacon. Everybody likes bacon, which is why they would bait fish hooks with it if they really wanted people to eat fish hooks. Hmm, I need to add that to my to-do list, and also buy enough fishing line to reach the street from my seventh-floor window. -- K. In three seconds, start reading this article again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:42:56 -0500 Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. This batch is big enough that I'm posting it in two installments. Here's the first half. -- K. It's like an overdose of refreshing new Kontext-Away. [searchsecurity.techtarget.com] -> -> Don Orifice has trouble getting through to his clients when he -> tries to stress the importance of preparing for disaster. [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => [...] the photographs of the Iraqis being trussed up, forced naked => into pyramids with other men while a female soldier brandished a => whip nearby or otherwise abused Iraqis at Abu Ghraib looked like => an advertisement for Dominatrixes R Us. [www.boston.com] -> -> Dillon had put his hands on the Vince Lombardi Trophy, not a -> spatula. [www.latimes.com] => => He used a spatula to carefully lift the rat from the cutting board => and pressed it onto the background piece of clay with his fingers. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> The cynicism that has greeted her release makes me want to buy her -> signature spatula and punish her tormenters -- tastefully, of -> course. [www.thestar.com.my] => => The proboscis monkey has a huge, bulbous nose, a giant belly, and => a long white tail that ends in what looks like a wide spatula. [www.nwanews.com] -> -> Flame-blackened cherry Spootle is "a spatula that thinks it'sa -> spoon" and does a great job of scraping pot bottoms. [www.golfdigest.com] => => Anchor a spatula to your right arm (I'm using my watch and gauze => tape here) to get a feel for how the wrist should move during the => swing. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] -> -> Good rock makes you want to go to town on your roommate with that -> plastic spatula he left lying around. [www.southend.wayne.edu] => => I mean, there is nothing in Lover's Lane that even compares to => this thing. Yet there it sits, keeping its silent cyclopean watch => over us. => => Is it friendly? Does it mean us harm? Is it there to inspire, => challenge, anger, entice, amuse? => => Is it lonely for the companionship of an equally magnificent => plaster orifice? [www.gigwise.com] -> -> Just when your convinced something is going to be great, that -> something more than often turns out to be an overrated orifice of -> arse. [www.chevyhiperformance.com] => => Although a solid lifter has an oil-fed orifice, it is still a => mechanical lifter. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> Some men are more than happy to just look down and watch their -> prized penises slide in and out of their partner's orifice in real -> time. [nigeriaworld.com] => => The southern compradors are no doubt in soup. The political => economy of their quest for a national dialogue is as clear as => noonday. The wind has blown and the people definitely have seen => the cloacae of their hen. This is the season to put an end to the => consecration of abject obscenities. All unreasoning calculations => and miscalculations of the ruling elites, North and South, must be => exposed to the ordinary people. All the escape routes must be => blocked, like rat in the field leaving only the orifice for => smoking with pepper and tobacco ember and the outlet where stand => guard the people machetes drawn. All talk about amalgamation is => balderdash. [www.canada.com] -> -> Why is it that the force of the air that is emitted from so many -> of these hand dryers is about as powerful as a gerbil's fart? [www.thestar.com] => => Among other things, coffee was considered good for purging the => body like a kind of through-draft, making you vomit on one end and => fart on the other. [www.deccanherald.com] -> -> This was his thinking. But the governor is a f-nngfi^itinn^l hp;^ -> ^ hp ^nnnf wish awqy the fart ofnnmr^rs.thatdf^mninfLa^matonty. -> ^yhy. [www.seattleweekly.com] => => Stand tall. Don't light any matches. You might as well be in an => airtight room full of farting cows. That's just how combustible => your scene is at the moment. [blogcritics.org] -> -> But the fact that everquest characters are not "real" is nothing -> special. You honestly don't know what the fuck you're talking -> about, do you? [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => A 1995 Princess Leia figure in the orange package? About as => valuable as an ewok turd. [www.aspentimes.com] -> -> In remembrance of the mining camp of a similar name, many locals -> are now referring to the top of the mountain as "Turds a lot -> Park." I tell you, it's enough to make you want to eat your lunch -> out in the woods squatting behind a tree! [thestar.com.my] => => Instead I've slipped into my alter ego of The Terrible Turd of the => Tundra leading my savage hordes in pillage and plunder. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> And I would like to shove it, but I can't right now because you're -> already sitting on it, like the Fonzie says. [writ.news.findlaw.com] => => If it wanted to have a better chance of winning, the prosecution => should have adopted a strategy that lawyers have nicknamed => "putting the turd on the mantel." [thedaily.washington.edu] -> -> If you (guy or girl) have a fantasy about dressing up as a nun and -> getting your toes licked by a Metro bus driver, you aren't going -> to reveal that to just anyone. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Art Sparks. Leatherman Art Learning Center, Speed Art Museum, 2035 => S. Third St. Interactive gallery. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> Yet strangely, she seems more at home with any other orifice than -> the vagina, from which her writing appears curiously detached. [www.jhunewsletter.com] => => Ooh! So sweet, this hot bubbling inner soup of endorphins (er, => love), this cramming of goose pate into the gaping orifice of your => doe-eyed sweetie-pie. [dnd.warcry.com] -> -> PVP pickpocketing is strictly the realm of griefers. Some of the -> posters however insisted it was a tragic loss to Rogues. But later -> posts point out that 'Rogues' are still Rogues NOT 'Thieves' and -> this was not a catastrophic loss (to the best of anyone's -> knowledge NPC pickpocketing is in). [www.warcry.com] => => The trick to dealing with kiddies and griefers is to beat them at => their own game: accept the duel, lull them into a false sense of => security, let them think they're smarter than you. As soon as the => cinematic cuts away, slam them with your fiercest spell and run => like there's no tomorrow. Jump erratically and circle strafe, all => the while cackling with glee and quoting Moby Dick. They'll => eventually get lucky and catch up to you while you're typing, => "From Hell's heart I stab at thee!" or they'll get bored and walk => away, whereupon you track them down and repeat the spell/quotation => process. [sport.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Then there's Frederic Michalak, still out in the cold -- or at -> least on the bench. In stays Yann Delaigue, who couldn't kick for -> nougat against Scotland. [www.charlotte.com] => => Atoms in the spatulae, like all atoms, have a positively charged => nucleus and negatively charged electrons moving outside the => nucleus. Likewise, atoms in the ceiling have a positive nucleus => and negative electrons. For brief moments, there is an attraction => between the positive nuclei of the gecko spatula and the electrons => of the ceiling. [www.boston.com] -> -> One of the most important things to remember about buying a sofa -> is to sit on it. [www.oregonlive.com] => => She counsels homebuyers in the area to beware: "Never buy => something and sit on it, that's my big advice." [www.spectatornews.com] -> -> The Finance Commission is the only commission of Senate that -> requires a block of senators to sit on it. [www.seacoastonline.com] => => "The law may curb abuses, but it's like killing a fly by having an => elephant sit on it," he said. [www.bozemandailychronicle.com] -> -> "For furniture, people want to feel it, they want to sit on it. -> You can't do that over the Internet." [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] => => Lisa I'Anson, Magenta Divine, James Brown and Rowland Rivron head => off to the Himalayas for a bit of yogic cleansing, which includes => something called Urine Therapy that was not at all what the celebs => expected. [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] -> -> Things faired slightly better in the Himalayas with all the celebs -> managing to rinse their sinuses, and induce vomiting after -> drinking three litres of warm water, but there were grumblings of -> discontent when it came to the Urine Therapy. [www.health24.com] => => So, no electric corkscrews and definitely no Leatherman tools, no => matter how nicely they're wrapped. [www.studlife.com] -> -> In order to test the condom's durability in the act, we used a -> bagel to simulate whichever orifice you fancy. Unfortunately, the -> cucumber tore it to ribbons, and we just didn't have any other -> holes lying around. [www.greenfutures.org.uk] => => My tourists really do not appreciate the 'swimming with turds' => experience. [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> "My question is, why do we have a dress code when it is printed in -> the handbook that children aren't allowed to have clothing that is -> down to where you can see their garment and it's not enforced at -> all? Where is the authority in this matter? This needs to be -> enforced." [www.belpertoday.com] => => Commanding officer Andrew Price was loaned to HMS Quorn for three => and a half months and Able Seamen Paul Markham and James Kirk => represented the ship at the Remembrance ceremony at the Cenotaph => in November. [www.fredericsburg.com] -> -> The bullies end up getting mad and that's when they give Blaine's -> character "a humongous wedgie.". "I was wearing padded underwear," -> Blaine said. [www.straight.com] => => The only drawback with Ginch Gonch is that not everyone gets to => see you wearing it. Maybe pulling a wedgie will become the next => club craze. [sportal.com.au] -> -> In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating -> between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between -> the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty. [www.star.niu.edu] => => Whether you're strutting down the beach in your new swimsuit or => drunkenly floating on a tube in the middle of the ocean, keep in => mind that swimsuits that fit properly will always make you look => better than Ms. Wedgie McNipslip. [www.startribune.com] -> -> Show respect to our Nordic heritage by trying not to gag on -> lutefisk. [www.willistonherald.com] => => This event continues to grow and it feeds directly off the ongoing => lutefisk and meatball feed from First Lutheran Church. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Each Christmas, Norwegian-Americans march into the nearest Norsk -> deli to buy lutefisk, the lye-soaked dried cod that hasn't been -> eaten in Norway since peasants could afford refrigerators. [www.zwire.com] => => I can even find something to like about lutefisk: melted butter. => => But it's hard for me to get excited about lefse. [www.twincities.com] -> -> The lutefisk-versus-lust tension was evident at the Capitol in 2004. [www.kltv.com] => => The spatula setting worked well to flip the egg over. [www.lacrossetribune.com] -> -> Many people have lower expectations for those with disabilities, -> he said, or what he calls "gimp-phobia." [www2.townonline.com] => => Forecasters gave plenty of warning for the last blizzard, and, => because they did people had emptied the snack shelves of food => stores. It was so bad that Trader Joe's ran out of caramel covered => no-fat popcorn. [www.thestate.com] -> -> First, it shows them we won't be manipulated by someone shorter -> than we are who wouldn't even know the difference between Mork and -> Fonzie if it weren't for Nick at Nite; [...] [www.adn.com] => => I love living in a place where the world's very first Duck Fart => was poured. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> The story it tells us is of yeast in a barrel, feeding and farting -> until it is poisoned by its own waste. [www.wluctv6.com] => => ORVs and four wheel drive vehicles are destroying the Felch => snowmobile trail in the southern U.P. [www.dailypress.net] -> -> Siegler hit a couple of late 3-point baskets at Felch "that just -> stuck a knife in us," he noted. [www.g4tv.com] => => You may think that farting in front of a girl you like means that => you're comfortable with her, but every magazine she has in her => bathroom tells her that it means you don't respect her. [www.boston.com] -> -> In New England, people don't think about okra, or if they do, they -> picture something unpleasant. [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => Maybe Mom cooks the spinach too much, rendering it easy => competition for okra's slime factor. [www.latimes.com] -> -> the better to avoid airplane food and Dodger Dogs, the two worst -> offenses to the human palate this side of okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => The N.C.-based kite-flying group Wings Above Carolina Kiting and => Okra Society, or WACKOS, will be at this year's Go Fly A Kite day => [...] [seattletimes.nwsource.com] -> -> This is a true story: Nobody who was born and raised on the West -> Coast eats okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => "Come on, Okra Crow you can make it, come on and shoot!" => => "Who?" my son said, eyes huge, mouth gaping. => => "Okra For," I said trying to correct myself. => => "Mom," he said. "Do you mean Okafor? As in Emeka Okafor, the best => player on the team." [www.wpi.edu] -> -> Inanimate objects are a definite possibility, anything with a soft -> texture and appropriately sized orifice will do. Shoes, fruit, -> snow(wo)men, pencil sharpeners, use your imagination [...] [www.thehindubusinessline.com] => => Negativity is an attitude... 100 minus 1 can be 99. But, it can => also be 100 for a generous man who'll say ek galti ho gayi chchod => dau (forgive one mistake), it can be zero for the utterly negative => people and it can be - 1 for a sadist. This is the new arithmetic => that I've learnt! [english.ohmynews.com] -> -> Weeks after the attempt I still feel aches and pain from this -> self-inflicted Spanish Inquisition of winter sports. -> -> Who's sadistic idea was it anyway to make what was obviously some -> kind of medieval Swiss torture into a sport? -> -> [they mean snowboarding.] [www.opinion.telegraph.co.uk] => => There was a gym master at Westminster School, where I went after => Orwell Park, who was a sadist. => => He had been a paratrooper, and had two catchphrases, which he => repeated endlessly to the boys in his charge. One was: "I may be => small, but I'm tough." The other: "I've got muscles in places, => lad, where you haven't got places." [www.wtnh.com] -> -> So perhaps don't view this as a bridge over troubled waters -> connecting troubled roads. Once the first orange cone is put out -> it might be the start of building a bridge to fuller stomachs. [www.journal-news.com] => => The report contains statements from six eyewitnesses who observed => Gully, 53, either toss an orange cone about 15 to 20 feet at Kelch => or saw him throw a roll of yellow police tape into a crowd of => visitors. [www.ajc.com] -> -> Those of us who live, work and shop in that area on a daily basis -> will have to contend with what will surely be four years of -> "Orange Cone Hell." [www.missoulian.com] => => It's a tavern owner's worst nightmare: It's St. Patrick's Day, but => the decorations for your business are flashing barricades and => orange cones. [www.abqtrib.com] -> -> At a Washington practice, McKay got so angry at Didrickson for -> poor defense that he made him stand in the corner of the court and -> guard an orange cone. [www.stltrib.com] => => She said the art will offer a reason to come downtown when the => orange cones might otherwise scare people. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> They're drilled with a stopwatch in the task of setting up a -> checkpoint -- a "serpentine" of concertina wire, at least three -> orange cones and, farthest out, a warning sign. [www.dailycampus.com] => => A huge fan of "Saved by the Bell," orange cones, girls and pizza, => Derek Olson has been leading the student body as USG President => since April 2004. [www.herald-sun.com] -> -> Students milled about snapping photos with their camera phones as -> random objects -- an orange traffic cone, a 40-ish woman's bra -- -> were tossed into the bonfire. [www.zeit.de] => => "You see orange cones and constantine wire before you even see => soldiers," he says. [www.myrtlebeachonline.com] -> -> I'm worried about the city of Myrtle Beach sweeping me up when -> they come behind me collecting orange cones and barricades. [barometer.orst.edu] => => Seriously, Math, screw you. [www.courierpostonline.com] -> -> `Tough' means you can fight back. Today I just have to take it. I -> still can't believe it. I'm angry, and all I can do is sit on it. [www.despardes.com] => => His fasts, enemas, goat milk, fresh fruits and urine therapy could => help him gambol past a century. But his simple calculations had => not factored in hate. => => [They mean Gandhi.] [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Originally excited to be part of the crossover, Ruivivar says, -> "Then I got reports that I was going to be bleeding from every -> orifice, so I was less excited. [www.pitch.com] => => Rock steady got us out, but the dominatrix bowled us over. [onmilwaukee.com] -> -> Smooth in verbal delivery but anything but that in his backing -> tracks is rap crew Dalek (pronounced dialect), who comes to the -> Cactus Club, Friday, Feb. 25. [www.rockclimbing.com] => => Another remarked that he looked like he'd been playing with a turd => after using the red chalk, and yet another was disappointed that => by "colored chalk" I didn't mean dayglo green, pink and blue. [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> My Japanese friends refer to Starck's creation as o gon no unko -> (the golden turd), and tourists frequently ask for directions to -> the unchi biru (poop building). [www.mainecampus.com] => => The band wanted to get some authentic Maine lobster, but the => restaurant didn't sell lobster on Sunday. Instead, the group went => to an unnamed Mexican restaurant. "It was the most disgusting => experience ever. It reminded me of when I mistook my pet rats turd => for a Hershey Kiss," Jaret recalled. [www.mailtribune.com] -> -> "The other thing that is a bit of concern for me is this dungeon. -> We'll have to see it first," he said. "It's unlawful to commit -> sadomasochism or sexual conduct in a live show." [www.ocweekly.com] => => There is boy ass; girl ass; boy ass drawn fluid and soft, like => girl ass; girl ass farting; girl ass with stubble; girl ass with a => rose stuck in it. Really. There's a _lot_ of ass. [www.pitch.com] -> -> However, Plaid Shirt, breaking down under our expert questioning -> skills, confessed that the Roman candles were not up his ass. [allafrica.com] => => The most common and least violent of rapists are usually solitary, => socially inadequate men with low self esteem, whose primary aim is => to reassure themselves of their sexual inadequacy and masculinity => by exercising power over the powerless victim. => => These guys are humble, friendly and caring and they make most of => the cases in our country. [www.popmatters.com] -> -> It was the only point in the [Grammys] not interrupted by Cirque -> du Soleil, balls of rising fire, or five other songs crammed -> around its edges. Sadists: this show is designed by -> kitten-burning, baby-drowning sadists. [apnews.excite.com] => => "You know, it's neat, but it's kind of creepy," she said. => => [It's a corpse-shrinkwrapping machine.] [www.estripes.com] -> -> School Age Care Program and piano lesson payments can be made at -> the Kibo Child Development Center; [...] [www.nynewsday.com] => => Consider the possibilities. This exuberantly twisted chiller flits => between the agony of sadism and the ecstasy of mindlessness. [www.ladowntownnews.com] -> -> In other words, how many people have to live here to convince -> Trader Joe's to open on the ground floor of a loft building? [www.adn.com] => => On a sunny afternoon last week, Miranda Felch was parked alongside => the coffee stand, waiting for her steaming beverage. [www.mindfully.org] -> -> If a 175-pound man fell into one end , he would come out the other -> end as 38 pounds of oil, 7 pounds of gas, and 7 pounds of -> minerals, as well as 123 pounds of sterilized water. [www.dailytargum.com] => => Many of the sandwiches are harmless, however it bears pointing out => that while there are Fat Dykes and Fat Bitches, there are no => sandwiches derogatory of men. [www.northjersey.com] -> -> The day I went, my first thoughts were of orange traffic cones -- -> an invasion of them. -> -> [they're reviewing Christo's "Gates" in Central Park.] [www.dailyiowan.com] => => Loki is played by Alan Cumming, who never bothers to create a => funny or threatening villain. Instead, he's perfected an even more => annoying Pee-wee Herman. => => [what, he's gotten better at that since "Spy Kids" and "Titus"?] [www.latimes.com] -> -> As befits these times, the strangest job in Hollywood now involves -> sitting in the back of a movie theater with a light-up pen and a -> clipboard, categorizing every curse, sexual act and moment of -> violence. It's like being the anti-Pee-wee Herman. [www.dfw.com] => => "Mark Cuban approved this deal because the owner now has only the => second worst haircut on the team." => => Tacky, but, on style points, the Cuban do will win out over Van => Horn's familiar Pee Wee Herman look. [worldnetdaily.com] -> -> In putting CBS behind him and jumping on board CNN, assuming the -> deck is still above water, Dan will be, as he might say, "As happy -> as Pee Wee Herman in a peepshow with a pocket full of quarters." [www.thepilot.com] => => Fitting the peg into the appropriate hole will presumably permit => someone with the cranial proportions of a Pee Wee Herman to wear => the same cap as an Oliver Hardy. [pittsburghlive.com] -> -> You can walk down the street and meet face to face with a tireless -> pantomime or turn the corner and see Pee Wee Herman shopping for shoes. [www.chicagotribune.com] => => O'Hare may scale his panic attacks and his entire performance => somewhere in the region of Robert Morse-turning-into-Pee-wee => Herman, but you're grateful for the laughs. [www.bradenton.com] -> -> You're back in an era before mad scientists unveiled muscle- -> sprouting drugs that could turn Pee Wee Herman into Hulk Hogan. [www.ediets.com] => => I've assisted clients in growing bigger chests, arms, legs etc. no => matter how much they thought their specific weak muscle group => resembled Pee Wee Herman. [www.cornellsun.com] -> -> These people have it hard enough, given the constant demands -> associated with replicating a man whose nose is falling off faster -> than Pee Wee Herman's pants at a midnight screening of 21 Hump Street. [www.richmond-news.com] => => The prostate is the Arnold Schwartznegger of the male reproductive => system. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:08:00 -0500 I wrote: > > > > As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts > > for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > You can do the same with the Beta "Google Alerts" service: > http://www.google.com/alerts/ Wow, Tim. You really added value on that one. Now future generations will no longer have to wonder whether Google's address is www.google.com or www.lumbermansexchange.com. > I use it to keep track of my current favourite Korean director, > Park Chan Wook, Please stop Googlestalking South Korean directors you're planning to kidnap so you can force them to make you a "Godzilla" knockoff the rubber monster suit from which will wind up in Forrest Ackerman's basement underneath some of the Feebles. > reviews of the movie Oldboy and the upcoming movie "Sympathy for Lady > Vengeance". Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and nobody likes spammers. > Thanks. For what, the Nobel Prize for bragging that you're the only guy on the Internet who knows where to find Google? Let us know when you find MapQuest, Fark, and alt.religion.kibology. We expect full progress reports on your quests, including details of every Dove bar you eat or song lyric you hear along the way. -- K. lumbermansexchange.com has gone to a happier place, but expertsexchange.com is still there. No word on whether Chewbacca has eaten anything lately. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:38:23 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of > > their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I > > mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat > > people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and > > nobody likes spammers. > > I haven't bought the uncut version of Ichi the Killer yet, please give me > more time. You chose to see the censored version? That's for _babies_! Watching "Ichi The Killer" with all the violence cut out is like watching that version of "Star Trek V" with all the stupidity cut out. Sure, you get it over with before you finish your first kernel of popcorn, but you miss that part where the movie happens. I bet you couldn't even handle "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", let alone anything creepy. Also, there's no cannibalism in "Ichi The Killer". "Ichi The Killer" is a highly sophisticated movie, a real think piece. Maybe you want a tawdry Hannibal Lecter movie, like "Titus". Who's the psycho who wrote _that_? > > -- K. > > > > lumbermansexchange.com > > has gone to a happier > > place, but > > expertsexchange.com > > is still there. No word > > on whether Chewbacca has > > eaten anything lately. > > > > Leaving this in to screw up your formatting. I'm gonna make you dinner. Come here and you'll get hooked on my shrimp tempura. -- K. I heard that dog meat tastes exactly like Vegemite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 19:56:18 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to > > collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. > > Many of us, and by that I mean "at least me", are reading these. > If _nothing_ else, they give us strange and awesome insight into > the mind of the collatee, What, you wanted a non-strange insight? > and how it's unconsciously reflected in newspapers, magazines, blogs, > and media outlets all over this fair globe in English. When I set up my search list, I didn't know which keywords would turn up the most interesting results. It turns out that "fuck" (and its relatives) seldom finds interesting citations. It's the words which are used as pejoratives with only a vague relation to their intended meaning -- such as "sadist", "retarded", "wedgie", "orifice" -- which turn up poorly-written attempts at serious news. (All news stories contain some degree of editorializing, in terms of which adjectives get applied to indicate the writer approves or disapproves -- in other words, I could change "editorializing" to "propaganda" in this sentence and it would still mean the same thing, but convey a different opinion.) "Pee-wee Herman" turns out to be the most interesting search, because he's mentioned all over the place but _never_ by people who are actually talking about him. Sports articles are known for their awkward turns of phrase when people try to come up with ways to say "X won the game against Y" or "X is a better player than Y" and one of the writers' favorites these days seems to be "X makes Y look like Pee-wee Herman, who is known for being three feet tall and lost all those football games on his show" despite it being both a bizarre analogy and a reference that's twenty years past hip. In college papers, Pee-wee shows up in editorials where the writers can't decide whether they want to make a serious point or tell a joke they once heard, so you get "X is as happy as Pee-wee Herman jamming his dick in Jambi's mouth", although that's not a joke unless you're one of those morons who thinks fictional characters having sex is automatically funny. The searches for these various silly terms turn up an enormous number of college paper articles I'd otherwise never see. This is because most of the articles in real newspapers are about the same topics as articles in all the other real newspapers, while every college newspaper is about stuff that's only relevant to navel-gazers at that specific college. (Music reviews in college papers and alternative weeklies are where the swear words get used the most, while editorials in college papers are what get hits for "screw you" and "up the ass".) Words that are "comedy words" -- such as "nougat", "okra", and "spatula" -- turn up lots of boring stuff, but occasionally there's some undefinably silly quality about the sentence they're in. A few favorite things to rant about on a.r.k -- such as "orange cones" and "Trader Joe's" -- wind up being pretty worthless as searches for interesting stuff (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" and the other "Trader Joe's sells cheap sucky wine that people would like better if they priced it above three dollars." A few other searches are on my list just because they're for such weirdly-specific a.r.k-related tropes that the matching articles are bound to be written by weirdos, i.e. "Quorn", "Anson Williams", "Gene Rayburn". This article matches them all, so it should be preserved in a time capsule to keep future generations from reading it. -- K. What I find particularly amusing about the way "sadist" is sprinkled into sports articles and editorials is that it's used interchangeably with "masochist": "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a sadist to go watch them" and "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a masochist to go watch them" both show up, but the former is more common because "masochist" is a harder word to type. Hmm, I should search for "pedant" so I can see who's misusing it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 21:44:40 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million > > times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally > > build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" [...]) > > I was wondering about that. It seems like every time there's a > large enough vacancy around here (there are plenty of places going > out of business, but none of them large enough) everyone's all like > "HEY TRADER JOE'S! WE NEED ANOTHER TRADER JOE'S! THE NEAREST ONE > IS OVER A MILE AWAY! AND THE NEXT NEAREST ONE A MILE AND A HALF > AWAY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! WHY NOT ONE RIGHT BETWEEN THEM?" and > I don't really get that. I mean, they're okay and all, but can't > these people just buy a whole bunch of chunky aloe vera drink and > stock up? > > So it's not just here, huh? Sadly, no. Here's a comedy experiment you can do: Put on a Hawaiian shirt and walk around a while and see how many people beg you to build a Trader Joe's on their lawn. For best results, slick your hair back with aloe vera hand gel, and be very dainty. > > What I find particularly amusing about > > the way "sadist" is sprinkled into > > sports articles and editorials is that > > it's used interchangeably with "masochist": > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a sadist to go watch them" and > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a masochist to go watch them" > > both show up, but the former is more > > common because "masochist" is a harder > > word to type. > > The masochist enjoys having his hopes dashed when that team > loses. The sadist enjoys seeing that team get beaten. You know _nothing_ about sports. -- K. The sadist enjoys shopping at Trader Joe's. The masochist enjoys eating food from Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:45:30 -0500 The second half of tonight's batch. -- K. Did I slip in a bogus one I made up? [www.azcentral.com] -> -> And pickled herring is good for you, although you have to be -> careful that no one tries to slip some lutefisk on your plate. [www.willistonherald.com] => => Available will be everything from lutefisk, to meatballs, to steak => and barbecue chicken. Sounds like a surf and turf menu to me. [www.dallasnews.com] -> -> Masks are fashioned from screen frames covered with burlap and -> adorned with everything from fake teeth to belt buckles and -> buttons to okra. [www.sunherald.com] => => Okra can be slimy and sticky, but it's supposed to be that way. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> No current school district board members nor employees may sit on it. [rr.cube.ign.com] => => This game just make you feel frustration and even angry, I can see => that the designer think that everyone like try and error, screw you! => => [the game in question is "Metroid Prime".] [gr.bolt.com] -> -> This game is not a diamond in the rough -- it's a peanut in the -> toilet. -> -> [the game in question is "Star Trek: Shattered Universe".] [english.pravda.ru] => => About 0.3% of men are born with only one testicle. Doctors believe => that such a physical defect can cause only aesthetical discomfort, [rockymountainnews.com] -> -> "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass," Republican -> Bill Cadman told his Democratic colleague, Val Vigil, at Vigil's -> desk during the morning session. [www.comicbookresources.com] => => Adams described a Captain Marvel cover he did with the Captain => walking in the air over Park Avenue. In the background, a woman is => collapsing into a man. "She's collapsing because Captain Marvel => farted. I needed to tell a story." [toledoblade.com] -> -> Leatherman is a naturalist volunteer [...] [www.nbc-2.com] => => "Probably come in a few hundred feet, maybe 500 feet. Not a => dramatic thing in terms of damage, but it is something you'd => notice. You would not want to be in water when that happens," => Leatherman said. [www.vh1.com] -> -> I wanted to be a fire man when I grew up - and I wanted to be -> Fonzie from Happy Days. Why a fireman? The uniforms are hot and -> they got a courageous job. Red is like a super hero outfit. [www.detnews.com] => => There is no all-inclusive list of emergency medical conditions, => Hester says, but he gives a partial list: chest pain; sudden => numbness or the inability to speak or walk; difficulty breathing; => any persistent bleeding from an orifice or a wound; severe => abdominal pain; severe, sudden headache; suicidal or homicidal => feelings; head, neck or spinal cord injury; fracture; and => poisoning. [www.lincolnjournal.com] -> -> [editorial proposing new laws] -> -> The "Match Game" Law -- This law would make it illegal for couples -> to wear matching, airbrushed shirts that say things like "Gloria -> loves Will" and "Will loves Gloria." [www.wrestling-news.com] => => The brains behind the 'Lingerie Bowl' PPV during the Super Bowl => halftime and very pissed at the lack of what we call 'Candice => Coverage'. Candice Michelle who is now making the media rounds due => to her 'GoDaddy.com' commercial was part of the Lingerie bowl as => well. And many complaints are that the only things mentioned in => interviews, and on behalf of Candice is GoDaddy and WWE. => => If I were the people behind the Lingerie Bowl, I'd be a bit miffed => as well. The PPV concept was not a bad one, and some that saw it => actually found it entertaining. [www.statepress.com] -> -> BOO to the last week before spring break. A week of freedom is so -> close we can taste the Corona. But what should be a joyful -> countdown is instead many days of tapping our foot. We haven't -> been this teased or upset since the Lingerie Bowl. [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => [editorial by Agnes Fliff] => => Also, I came up with the idea of a talking baby shilling for => Quizno's. Except my baby had Tourette's syndrome. But whenever I => try to collect my royalties in free subs, the jerk manager at => Quizno's chases me down the street waving a sawed-off mop handle. => He's probably Francis Ford's nephew and will end up directing => Spiderman 3. Meanwhile, I can't even get financing for my next => project, The Webbed Feet of Anson Williams. [www.heralddemocrat.com] -> -> One of the first silicone items to become popular in the home -> kitchen was invented by a French company called Silpats. OK, every -> now and again the French come up with a good idea, so long as it -> doesn't require any real backbone. [www.stuff.co.nz] => => Another ram is ranked first in the SIL index over six traits => including worm resistance. [www.phillyburbs.com] -> -> "To wrestle with Trap and Sil in the room every day is a huge -> benefit," he said. [deseretnews.com] => => He was the last guy in Provo to go out on his own glory -- a long, => successful run of fast-breaking lightning-eaters donned in those => short wedgie-prone shorts. [www.2theadvocate.com] -> -> White Castle hosts Port Sulphur at 6:30 [...] [www.silive.com] => => As we get serious about commitment and life, we're less likely to => bond with the guy who skis freely down the side of the mountain; => instead, we seek the guy who dons safety gear. In other words, => Richie Cunningham of "Happy Days" gets the last laugh on Fonzie => any day. [psp.ign.com] -> -> To power users, however, that's a two quart toilet for a ten -> gallon turd -- we need more space here, people. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] => => Fun is hard to find around here. It's more like teddy bear turds => than anything. => => [...] => => I certainly hope you had your bread today, and as a resident of => Irvine, consider yourself lucky. Who knows, a teddy bear might => drop a turd or two in your path. [www.seacoastonline.com] -> -> A man sitting next to my mom, who owns a French bulldog, said -> "That'sa Frenchie fart. Anyone who has Frenchies knows that'sa -> Frenchie fart.". [www.sfgate.com] => => Once in 2004, a piece of carry-on luggage containing a chain saw => was missed by the X-ray machine at the checkpoint, Bencomo said. [www.theprofileonline.com] -> -> American Barbie is a woman of many talents from ballerina to -> doctor to astronaut, but dominatrix Barbie she is not. [www.tampabays10.com] => => "Joe, you gotta ball there?...you gotta a ball?...he has no balls... => we're off to a great start...I presume you have tees...no tees." [www.winchestersun.com] -> -> "Each child brings their own Pandora's box. We have to sit on that -> box until children can sit on it for themselves." [www.uruknet.info] => => The most effective way to do this is through sensationalism which => is basically a disguised form of sadomasochism. [www.mcot.org] -> -> The police said the Swedish national might suffer from a mentally -> sexual problem, known as sadism. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Is it fair to ask these young people to sing after they've been => told by Ryan ``Sadist'' Seacrest that their journey to fame is over. [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> "Ah, some ghosts are sadists. Others want to take revenge on their -> tormentors. Others do it simply for fun," says Chandrahas Singh. [www.expresspharmapulse.com] => => [...] and an orifice (0.4 mm) created mechanically or with laser beam. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> In other words, at this point in cultural history, the film -> industry is basically the Gimp to the Academy's Zed. [www.mg.co.za] => => Bafana Bafana have world-class flair and vibrancy: That's great, => because they sure don't have any ability. Unfortunately there => isn't a World Cup of sideways skipping, slapping knees and hopping => over orange cones for us to win, [...] [www.hoopsworld.com] -> -> [...] Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, and Rasho control so -> much of the Spurs' pie chart the next few years that a reserve -> like Malik has had a wedge-shaped spatula shoved underneath his -> tail for the last year and a half. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => Whereas an artist might approach the subject by, say, writing a => love song, the scientists in Hammond's book prefer to give people => plastic turds (to investigate the emotion of disgust) [...] [www.banderabulletin.com] -> -> The Chinese were cutting and storing pond ice more than 2,800 -> years before George Hammond began shipping beef from his Chicago -> meat packing plant to Boston in refrigerated railroad cars in the -> late 1860's. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Like the atrocious metal band that has a sound not unlike the => popping and sizzling one hears when microwaving a turd. [silverchips.mbhs.edu] -> -> Junior Prince Okra says he doesn't stand "because I don't feel -> like it." [www.chroniclejournal.com] => => Hammarskjold entered the game with only two available reserves, => Anson Williams and Ahmed Isse. [www.sportsfanmagazine.com] -> -> If all this outstanding talent was participating in the NCAA -> tourney, my head would explode. [www.masslive.com] => => Mothers with children screaming so loud that I feared the glass => would shatter and that my head would explode came and were always => a joy. [www.gameshout.com] -> -> Are you a girlfriend, tomboy, vixen, maverick, or genius? Whatever -> type of girl you are "Ms. Match" will fit your individual style. [thedaily.washington.edu] => => "[...] The glass cut up my ass and someone had to come and bandage => my butt because I was too drunk to do it myself." [www.infoshop.org] -> -> I represent the treatment of prostitutes at the hands of feminists -> in my show by using three inflatable dolls. When a man is fucking -> an inflatable doll, he knows he's not fucking a real woman. When -> these feminists talk about us, they really see and perceive us as -> these inflatable dolls. I find that they, the feminists, are the -> ones who are objectifying us. [www.cornellsun.com] => => I bet you thought that a spatula was essential to pancake-making. [www.southeasttexaslive.com] -> -> During testimony, Martin admitted to cursing during the school -> board meeting. During what has been described as a rant, she said -> to Wheeler, "I'm going to stomp a mud hole in your ass." [www.magicvalley.com] => => But I am incapable at the cellular level of spending that kind of => money on a bleeping vacuum cleaner. My head would explode if I tried. [www.smh.com.au] -> -> "I just have this appalling feeling about you mate, they tell me -> you're a Kangaroo. I'm a Wallaby. But mate, no Wallaby would ever -> act like the manner you have, you little turd. Thanks, bye. -> (Clapping and laughter)." [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => Fold gently into nougat batter. [www.thepostandmail.com] -> -> Fueled with a determined spirit and a passion for running, Dallas -> Leatherman, of Columbia City, is on a different kind of mission -> with his next race. [www.denverpost.com] => => "It's an embarrassment," said Jefferson County businessman Greg => Stevinson, who readied a recall effort. "It was like a bowl of => chili that just kept coming back again and again." [web.morons.org] -> -> All Lutheran Church congregation presidents are not serial -> killers. Christians in general are not necessarily violent -> sadists. [www.nzherald.co.nz] => => The institute is the parent company which established the wananga => and some senior staff also sit on it. [www.asahi.com] -> -> But okra? I think this is still an exotic food, and I am not sure -> if it will ever become as popular as edamame. [www.tallahassee.com] => => If, as the article stated, he told investigators he gave the => employee a "wedgie" as a joke, his termination was proper. [www.computerandvideogames.com] -> -> [...] MC3's definitely trying to move away from the tacky boy -> racer culture of pointlessly polishing four-wheeled turds, [...] [ask.slashdot.org] => => The amount of different kind of Leathermen there are out there are => ridiculous, and I'm sure you can find a high quality one for a => decent price. [www.theatlantic.com] -> -> But when the model was complete, it became clear that from an -> airplane or an adjacent peak the hotel would look like a giant "H" -> branded on the landscape, an uncomfortable reminder of the -> mountain's most infamous former resident. [www.vcrisis.com] => => Because I am tired of those that think that I am confused, dizzy, => cheated. Because if I am in the opposition it is because I have => some sort of gas stuck in my brain. That I am dumb if I can't say => why I believe in "Si". Because it is a brainy and emotional "Si". [www.mininggazette.com] -> -> FELCH -- Putting the ball through the hole became a difficult task -> for the Baraga Vikings Monday night in a Class D district -> basketball tournament opener. [moparmusclemagazine.com] => => Here is a close up of the brass bb that's used to seal the vacuum => orifice that's exposed after choke assembly removal. [www.canoe.ca] -> -> [...] Batman was just an ordinary guy in good shape while Superman -> could, like, bend steel and melt polar caps with his heat vision -> and make time run backwards. Talk about wearing the pants in a -> relationship. [www.motherjones.com] => => Or, tougher still, when you live in the shack with all the dogs => and try to teach your kids not to treat animals like the little => sadists up in the prefab house. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> But relax your idea of what constitutes sadomasochistic -> tendencies. If you include not just getting whipped by a -> leather-clad dominatrix while attempting auto-asphyxiation, but -> also giving your partner a little hickey during a make-out -> session, this campus is just crawling with sadistic heathens. Kind -> of comforting, actually. [www.suntimes.com] => => LAKELAND, Fla. -- You expect to see zipper marks, criss-crossing => scars, canyon-sized gashes, a creaky brace. You expect to see a => gimp, hobbling, limping and straining. You expect to see a ravaged => left knee under Magglio Ordonez's pants leg because that is what => Dr. Ken Williams suggested just a few months ago, when the White => Sox were waging a medical smear campaign against their departing => star's meniscus. [www.phoenixnewtimes.com] -> -> It's probably been terribly tough getting ahold of your artist -> friends lately. Don't worry, that monolithic mixed-media piece of -> theirs hasn't toppled over and pinned them helplessly. [coh.warcry.com] => => And where popularity treads, so treads the griefers. [www.journalnow.com] -> -> [...] concealed in everything from hollow lumber and concrete -> fence posts to chlorine cylinders, frozen broccoli and okra. [www.zwire.com] => => Enroute home Dan visited his friends Burt and Barbara Andersh and => girls of Watertown. Stanley and Arlene Boe enjoyed a lutefisk => supper at Groton. [psp.ign.com] -> -> Sure, there have been nice 2.5D versions on GBA, and there was the -> 3D N-Gage port a bit back that did about as much justice to the -> skating series as a cell phone can, but seriously -- this is a -> PS2/Xbox/GameCube game, and you're playing it on a game system -> that has probably been farted on in your back pocket. [context.themoscowtimes.com] => => [...] one scene set in a tavern highlights a marvelously => disjointed solo by the prissy bureaucrat Kozelkov and the drunken => escapades of a pair called Fyodor Piva (Beer) and Ivan Shtopor => (Corkscrew), along with a female companion who bears the => provocative name -- in both Russian and English -- of Manka Fart. [citypaper.net] -> -> "If someone's wearing a beautiful dress, and they fart, you still -> smell it." [jam.canoe.ca] => => And every tuneless warble that comes out of that collagenically => enhanced orifice of hers grates on the brain like a vinegar-coated => thumbtack in a canker sore. => => [they mean Jennifer Lopez.] [education.guardian.co.uk] -> -> You will become one of 40,000 Gimps around the world and if you -> happen to be the Gimp that discovers a prime with more than 10m -> digits then you can claim a reward of $100,000 from the Electronic -> Frontier Foundation. [www.voanews.com] => => Mr. Hildebrandt picks up a complex geometrical model called a => dodecahedron made of 42 Zome parts. "It's a shape kids can build," => he says, "but which has the added attraction of modeling what some => theorists say may be the actual shape of the universe." [www.dallasvoice.com] -> -> The 1964 marriage of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine is one of -> the weirdest in Hollywood history. It only lasted 38 days. Merman -> reportedly said the knot began to unravel because Borgnine -> subjected her to "Dutch ovens" -- that's when Borgnine would fart -> in bed while trapping her under the sheets. [apnews.excite.com] => => "I don't think anybody should be messing with the eyeball," => Democratic Rep. Kevin Joyce said Friday. [sbindependent.org] -> -> Artificial fat substitutes such as Olestra(TM) and others like it -> give people explosive diarrhea. Artificial sweeteners cause cancer -> in Martians. [www.santacruzsentinel.com] => => "Everything indicates high speed," said CHP officer Steve Griefer. [www.law.com] -> -> Pratter found that Parsons was overruled the same year it was -> handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court's seminal decision in -> Leatherman v. Tarrant County [...] [news-register.net] => => Once the ABCDE assessment is completed, patients are further => evaluated and prepared for treatment with what Burkland called => "tubes and fingers in every orifice,'' [...] [www.philly.com] -> -> They'd been using "Mr. Worm" (a piece of rubber sold under the -> adult name Edgie Wedgie) to hold ski tips together, an aid in -> pizza-making. [www.syracuse.com] => => Who doesn't smile along with a guy who can tell the world about => the time his older brother gave him a wedgie so tight his arms => were jammed immovable by the leg holes of his tighty whities? => => For everybody, there were the dozen songs performed with energy, => enthusiasm and quite a striking voice. [www.baxterbulletin.com] -> -> Our own Linda Masters could outdo Martha Stewart with a spatula -> tied behind her back. [entertainment.iafrica.com] => => In the words of Murdoc, the bass player and brains of the outfit: => "True talent should be food for the soul, not turds for the mind." [www.smh.com.au] -> -> David Hurley created an immortal quote in response to questions -> about a particular political embarrassment: "We're eating a turd -> sandwich on this one and we're gonna have to say it's yummy." [www.chattanoogan.com] => => We have seen it done for many many decades. And it has gotten => worse in the last two decades. That's right... School Bullies. => Those infamous Gangsters of schooltime fan fare. => => In the 50's it was cool from what I understand. Fonzie would be => considered a Bully in his time. But those cool days have been way => over for at least two decades if not more. [www.thetriangle.org] -> -> I was expecting something that was, basically, caveman-esque: -> perhaps I'd pop it into my player and a gutteral voice would grunt -> out "me am a DVD!" [www.usatoday.com] => => Criticism and rejection come with the show-business territory, but => out-and-out sadism should be out of bounds. [www.joystiq.com] -> -> If you have high hopes for it, you're a masochist. If you're -> pumping up your little brother to get psyched about it, you're a -> sadist. -> -> [they mean the "Doom" movie.] [onlineathens.com] => => The Sadistic Morons would make a heck of a name for a rock band. [www.signonsandiego.com] -> -> Sadism is a natural-born part of reality series -- not that -> there's anything wrong with that. [www.washingtonpost.com] => => At other times there was a warmer effect, particularly in the => dancing of Alexandra Ansanelli, so petite and tender, and such a => technical dominatrix. [www.cornellsun.com] -> -> As the show ended, the words "explosive diarrhea" took on new -> meaning in attendees' minds [...] [www.nme.com] => => [...] singer Blaine thwacks colanders and hubcaps, while his Andy => Warhol-a-like father Henry uses opener OEZoo Time' as an excuse => for future-fucking synth noises. [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> "I can't shoot in a lesser format," said Cameron, who is filming -> the science-fiction adventure "Battle Angel," in 3-D. "I believe -> that 3-D is absolutely the future. ... They'll have to pry my -> glasses out of my cold, dead fingers." [www.cornellsun.com] => => She's one of those people where all her friends and family tell => her that she's good at singing, but she sounds like a farting => grandpa. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> During one of the demonstrations outside the Bolshoi, the members -> of Moving Together ripped apart copies of Blue Lard and threw them -> into a huge mock toilet bowl, while demanding the country return -> to traditional moral values. [www.darkhorizons.com, interview with Woody Allen] => => "[...] I've always been a passive comedian, in the mould of Bob => Hope or something that's victimized. [...]" [www.thedailystar.com] -> -> Baby Bob is a girl. -> -> [...] -> -> Baby Bob is portrayed by L'Wren Scoggins, who will turn 1 in -> April, said her great-grandmother, Jane Sherman. This is L'Wren's -> first acting job, and she seems to be successful, as people have -> expressed shock when the baby's gender is revealed. [www.ekatherimini.com] => => The worst episode ever recorded was the Spanish flu pandemic which => killed up to an estimated 60 million people between 1918 and 1919. [www.msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Once inside, lab workers simulated cutting off the supply of oil -> to a turbine generating electricity and destroying the equipment. -> -> Describing his reaction to the demonstration, Wood said: "I wished -> I'd had a diaper on." [www.gawker.com] => => Vodianova was the face of Calvin Klein's felching-inspired Fall => 2004 campaign (which means she signed with the designer almost 2 => years ago), [...] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Earth's 1st AirConditioner; coolant of IceDust + ozone replenishment Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 03:52:30 -0500 In sci.chem, sci.physics, and sci.environment, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@iw.net) wrote: > > I seem to be getting to a final position on this Earth AirConditioner. > Slowly and gradually but surely I should be able to think my way. I am > designing the first AirConditioner to control climate and weather and > GlobalWarming. I have spent several years on this, do not recall exactly > how many and too lazy to look up my first posts on this subject. Gee, Archie. If even you -- THE KING OF SCIENCE! -- can't bother reading your musings, what makes you think the rest of us ever do? I'm not going to bother reading the rest of this. I'll assume it has something to do with candy. > If I recall I started with the idea of a constant train of drone planes > as a mirror reflector (which I am rather ashamed and embarrassed I had > proposed but that is how progress is made in that we wander through many > ideas in search of the great idea to solve the problem). Those huge wide > winged drones. Later thought of aluminum like foil (another > embarrassement but in such searches, brainstorming it is good to bring > forth as many ideas and as turned out in many historical cases that an > early embarrassing idea turns out to be the correct idea afterall). Then > it became a CFC variant that was benign and reflected sunlight. But I > recently realized that no chlorine molecule which all CFC are chlorine > based will do the job because they destroy ozone. Then it was microbes > in the upper atmosphere. Lately it has been diamond dust which now is > Ice Dust and ozone replenishment. No, you can't put a Mars Bar up there. It would melt, and probably stain your pants, unless you're not wearing pants, in which case the dentist would probably charge you for staining his chair. > I need some perspective though. The SpaceStation is about 400 km up. The > Troposphere is from 0 to about 20 km. Next is the Stratosphere from > about 20 km to approx 60 km. Next is the Mesosphere from about 60km to > 80 km. And finally is the Thermosphere from 80km to 140 km. The coldest > is the upper Mesosphere at about 160K and the second coldest is the > troposphere to stratosphere boundary of about 200K. There's more to the whole Mounds vs. Almond Joy taxonomy than you've considered. In addition to the fifty differences you mentioned, also, one of them has almonds. Someday maybe you'll figure out which one. > So can we dropp off a cargo of NxOy compounds, perhaps even nitric acid > HNO3 which maybe the most dense form of NxOy compounds since it is in > liquid form, in the stratosphere or troposphere. So can the Shuttle or > Rocket release a ozone replenishment on its way to the Space Station or > even just a visit to the stratosphere? Of course, _real_ M&Ms don't speak English. They speak Chocolang, which has 387 words for "sweet" but no words for "The apple is nature's toothbrush." > As for the Ice Dust, can the Space Station manufacture the dust and then > shuttle it into a lower orbit of somewhere between the upper Mesosphere > to that of 300 km orbit so that it misses the SpaceStation Orbit of > 400km. A range where the temperature is suitable for the Ice Dust to not > melt and where it reflects sunlight from reaching Earth. Chocolate-covered deep-fried pizza? You truly are a madman! Unless you leave out the cheese. In which case, I salute you, you magnificent bastard! You deserve the Nobel Prize For Snacktasticness! > I have not explored a microbe to be the AirConditioner coolant because I > fear that a microbe that makes the upper atmosphere its home poses more > of a danger in the long term should the critters multiply out of control > and start depriving life of sunlight on the ground. And I also fear that > as time goes on that a Microbe will come to live up there and love it up > there and we then are faced with how to get the microbe under control > for it will act as a AirConditioner only cool Earth to a low temperature > that we cannot tolerate. So I think that in the future, some Microbe > will appear and take over the job of AirConditioner but with the price > that we have to constantly destroy those microbes as they cool Earth too > much. No, Arch, don't try that -- your head isn't _really_ a Pez dispenser. Yes, it's easier to get twelve of the little things into your nose than it is to get them into the dispenser, but no, you shouldn't even bother trying to get them out again. Just go to the doctor and ask to have your nostrils glued shut so you won't try anything like that again. > I like a tandem solution of IceDust which reflects and of Ozone > replenishment which absorbs sunlight. A tandem solution is a better > insurance policy in case one becomes ineffective or in case one finds a > future breakthrough that increases its effectiveness and control. Things > of this magnitude of importance of controlling the weather on Earth > deserve tandem solutions so that the two compete in making the overall > system as effective as possible. Your theory fails to take into account that Red Juju Fish are made with _bad_ juju! > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom where dots > of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies I'm hungry now too. Can I have some of your Necco Conversation Hearts before you draw pictures of plutonium atoms on them? -- K. I swear I'm not lying, I really didn't read this. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dodgy name for a band Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 08:03:25 -0500 [in regards to something other than this] Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Also this makes me think just enough of that episode of Are You Being > > Served wherein Mr. Humphries during the end credits tries to use a > > hat-steamer device to reshape his face or something. It's just this > > side of appalling. > > Point of reference? On which side of appalling are you? I'm not sure it has just two sides. Appalling is shaped like what the topologists would call "a multiply-connected region", or what laymen call "a times-connected region." That's what you get if a Klein bottle is crushed flat by a rollercoaster travelling along the seedy side of a Moebius strip in the part of the science museum devoted to things which aren't science, such as math. All the scientists in the world always tell everyone to always drink all eight glasses of water every day, but science has yet to prove that they have to be any specific size. So if you don't like water, drink eight thimblefuls. That's science, except for the word "eight", which is just math, except when the number is spelled out with letters like that -- then it's just literature. -- K. The local science museum finally _really_ hid the manometer. I sentence David DeLaney to listen to Jim Henson singing about manometers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dodgy name for a band Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 20:09:33 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The local science museum finally _really_ hid the manometer. > > No problem - you've got an electric stud-finder, right? It wouldn't do me much good in that museum. Everyone there either looks like Niels Bohr or a young Harry Stinson or is Dean Kamen. I would being my geek detector, but I'm not sure it could handle the overload. > > I sentence David DeLaney to listen to Jim Henson singing > > about manometers. > > Been there done that several people at the store have the meme imbedded > in their branes firmly, including one two-year-old. So why didn't you say that back in the 3-D "Tetris" thread the first time I attempted to goad you into admitting you like any song the Muppets stole from Italian porno movies? To wit: [me, six days ago] As penance for your attempts to force me to adopt the nomenclature of some guy who stole his whole name from a yellow space on the "Monopoly" board, I sentence you to tile an infinite plane with monominos while listening to an eternal tape loop of Jim Henson singing about them. Was I testing you to find out whether you missed an article (and must therefore be sentenced to listen to me singing about Jim Henson singing about manometers, monominos, and monohydrazine) or were you testing me to see whether you could get me to make a "Salvage One" reference? -- K. And now, I'll sing the "T.V. Monopoly" theme song to clear the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cannibalism in the news again, but this time it's silly Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 21:33:15 -0500 From Wireless Flash, a site which always carries news of this quality. [www.flashnews.com] -> -> Aliens Build 'Butcher Shop' In Los Angeles -> -> LONG BEACH, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- A southern California man -> has a beef with Los Angeles -- it's just become home to a large -> extraterrestrial butcher shop. -> -> E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson claims the site of the "butcher -> shop" is a giant starship he recently discovered in the hillside -> community of Mount Washington in northeast L.A. No no no. Giant alien spaceships always disguise themselves as blue phone booths. Unless they're evil, in which case they're usually a Doric column but can take on other shapes and in this one episode it was so cool because the Doctor's TARDIS materialized inside the Master's TARDIS at the same time as the Master's materialized inside the Doctor's and everything got all weeeeeird and then Atlantis sank and it was only the third time they destroyed Atlantis forever but the first two don't really count because they were before the show went to color and the BBC had to erase all the black and white videotapes because the first episode was filmed live while John F. Kennedy was being shot and it showed the Doctor on the grassy knoll and you could tell he was an alien because his head was two-dimensional and didn't match his body at all and also he looked kind of gay and they didn't have gay people in 1963 except in outer space. -> Although the starship can't be seen because it's in a slightly -> different dimension, Johnson says the aliens who man the craft are -> able to abduct hundreds of humans into the ship at will. What's a "slightly different dimension"? One where everything is the same except William Shatner's toupee has the seam on the other side? -> He claims harvested humans are then transported to "Negra," a star -> system one billion light years away where human flesh is -> considered a delicacy. That's a long way to go just to eat something that doesn't taste all that good. You'd think if they put all that effort into travelling a billion light years, when they got here they'd be more interested in our veal calves and White Castles. -> Even more shocking: Johnson says the E.T.s consider adrenaline to -> be a spice so they torture the humans before slaughtering them. Mmm, finger-adrenalickin' good! Morris The Cat says, "I'm going to stop being so endorphinicky!" And it's all served with sides of whipped potatoes, beaten eggs, and pulled pork! On the other hand, some wimps consider spice to be a torture. -> E.T. butcher shops are cropping up near every major city and -> Johnson considers their presence "a direct threat against all -> humanity." Never mind that, just tell us how fat he is. -> Still, there is hope. Johnson says if every human imagines a force -> field of energy around themselves, it can reduce the chance of -> being turned into "human cacciatore." So this planet is one billion light years away in the Galaxy's Little Italy? -- K. I wonder what sort of doctor this "Dr." Terry Johnson is -- perhaps an anal probologist? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tasers around a school again... Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 22:40:45 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > ...but this time they're not zapping the pupils. You'll have to give me a better reason to read the article than that. > [www.guardian.co.uk] > -> > -> Fear stalks the streets of Sydenham after resident is attacked by > -> a black cat the size of a labrador I think a funny joke would be for a guy to show us a poodle and he'd say "This is my Labrador retriever," and then the poodle would run out of sight and a moment later he'd come back dragging the entire country of Labrador after him with his tiny widdle mouth. Labrador is a country, right? 'Cause otherwise that's not funny. > -> Man was calling to pet when 'panther' struck > -> > -> Patrick Barkham Poor Spot! He changed his name to Patrick Barkham, but whenever he barked, ham came out! He had to eat a thousand dollars' worth of ham every day just so he could go yap-yap-yap! > -> Wednesday March 23, 2005 > -> Guardian > -> > -> It has probably slunk off to a neighbouring suburb to become the > -> Penge Panther, the Catford Cheetah or the Beast of Beckenham by now. You have to watch out for Penge Panthers. They're tuxedo cats that crush you with giant ice cubes. Wait, those are Pengo Panthers. Never mind. > -> But residents of the blossom-filled streets of Sydenham were still > -> shaking last night as a father of three told how he had been > -> mauled by a black cat the size of a labrador. > -> > -> Police armed with Taser stun guns sealed off roads in south-east > -> London, BAD IDEA. If you were to hit a big cat with a Taser, it would result in one very angry cat. Tasers only work in cases where (a) the cops want an excuse to get out their riot batons after the guy goes berzerk when shocked, or (b) when the guy is already cuffed and they just want to tell him to shut up. Tasers are torture tools, not animal-capture devices. However, it's good that police sealed off the roads, because there's nothing scarier than a cat driving a car. Look out, Toonces! > -> school gates were locked and teachers warned pupils to keep away > -> from wooded areas after Tony Holder escaped with a cuff around > -> the face from the big cat. Either it's a very small big cat, or else those are big big handcuffs. Tony Holden must shop at Popeye's Pervert Emporium. > -> [...] > -> > -> Armed police arrived, sealed off the streets around Mr Holder's > -> home, loaded their stun guns with tranquillisers and searched for > -> it with flashlights. WAIT. WAITWAITWAIT. Were these pills or a liquid tranquilizer that was carried through the electrical wires from their Tasers? Tasers fire little darts attached to tiny wires. Regular stun guns don't fire anything. Both types operate by giving electrical shocks that make people scream and wet their pants. Anything that can fire a syringe filled with medication is not a stun gun, but is in fact, what we would call an actual gun, the sort that make holes in people. Or maybe he meant that, since this is post-1999 England, they have actual working "Space: 1999" stun guns, the kind that cover you with spastic crayon scribbles drawn all over the film. But those are only good for keeping Plastic Eyebrow Woman from turning into Guy In A Halloween Costume Monster. > -> The animal gave them the slip, but as tabloid reporters scoured > -> the streets in safari gear brandishing butterfly nets, Somehow, I imagine England always is and always has been filled with people with pith helmets, khaki shorts, and butterfly nets. > -> the Guardian picked up the scent of something big across the railway > -> line by Catling Close. > -> > -> Billy Rich, 44, was looking out of his window at 5.30am when he > -> saw a black creature leap across the road and bound south towards > -> Mayow Park. > -> > -> "I see a ... thing," he said. STOP STEALING DEFOREST KELLEY'S LINES! He has few enough of them in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" as is! > -> "What's he supposed to have seen?" asked his ex-wife. > -> > -> "The beast of Sydenham," your correspondent explained. > -> > -> "The only beast of Sydenham is him," she replied, prodding a > -> finger at Mr Rich. She divorced him because she preferred the Loch Ness Monster. (She likes it rough and wet.) > -> "On the news they said it was as big as a Doberman, but it > -> wasn't," insisted Mr Rich. "It was big and black and I thought, > -> fucking hell, what was that? > -> > -> "It definitely wasn't a pussy cat. It was too big. The way it > -> jumped, you could tell it wasn't a dog. It definitely wasn't a > -> fox, but it can't be a panther -- where would a panther come from > -> in Sydenham?" Depends -- was it pink? > -> The British Big Cat Society estimates there could be 100 big cats > -> roaming the land. OR ONE CAT... A HUNDRED MILES TALL!!! Sorry, Mr. Kelley. > -> [...] > -> > -> Danny Bamping, the founder of the society, warned that if the cat > -> was a melanistic leopard or a black panther, it could kill. "They > -> can be very, very dangerous," he said. "There have been incidents > -> in North America where joggers have been killed by these > -> creatures." "Do you like Bamping?" she asked seductively, trolling for a punchline. > -> A Scotland Yard spokesman confirmed that officers had visited > -> schools to warn them about the big cat. "A police officer who > -> attended the incident said he thought he saw what looked like a > -> black labrador," the spokesman said. > -> > -> One pupil at Sydenham high school for girls said the gates had > -> been locked at lunchtime and students had been told to stay away > -> from wooded areas and dark alleyways. > -> > -> She said they had also been instructed to make a loud noise > -> wherever they went to scare off the beast. Kids are too quiet these days. > -> Parents said they would be keeping their children indoors. "The > -> garden is secure but I wouldn't let my little boy Morgan go out > -> and play today," said Kelly Wood. > -> > -> "He's 19 months. I think he's quite an edible size." But is he fun size? If so, they'll also have to be sure he never suffocates in a plastic bag with fifty other kids. I won't steal DeForest Kelley's line. ("WHADDAYA SUGGEST WE DO WITH THIS CHILD, SPOCK, SPANK IT?") > -> Other people were sceptical. "I saw a little moggy lying in the > -> path but that's about it," said Kim Kimberley. "I can't see it -- > -> unless he's the one from Bodmin moor and he jumped on the train > -> and came up here." One should be aware that Americans never call a cat a "moggy" because that's one of those slang words that's so sissy that only British people can say it, like "fag" for a cigarette or "roundabout" for a traffic circle. (In Massachusetts, people call those "rotaries", but that's just so that Massachusetts can avoid deciding whether the state is straight or gay.) -- K. Taser plus cat is a recipe for an electrified clawstorm with Real Face-Shredding Action. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Six Hours And a Steak Dinner Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:26:42 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > My dock line shield rings have big sleeping cat images on them . > Rats think the plasic cat on the line is sleeping and wount run up the > line and jump over the rat ring . > The lattest rat rings have stun guns And so do the kkookkiest cock rings. > and when a rat gets near the ring he gets fried. The spoke ring stops > any rope running critter from taking home in a vent or running loose > around the ship. > At night in alaska a deer opened the fucking 1/4 d H and ran down the > fucking stairs . Did it pick the lock, or just turn the doorknob with its fingers? > It went strait to the galley and strait for the salad bar. Wow, on your imaginary boat, you have your own private salad bar? Now _that's_ a pathetic fantasy. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about wanting to invent a time machine so I can go to the 1950s to see Bob Hope get dropped on his head. Hey, are you Bob Hope? > It just grunted and snarleled at the cook and kept eating. > She called my ass down no drill. > I broke its neck toulk it out after it sstopped kicking ad skinned the > fucker . > His head is in the lounge by the fire place. > Next to the bear head . I had the samon first and it was a just > fight . besides I like te polor fur . I shot it once and it stood up > and looked me over. I beat my chest and it dove down and ran like a > horse at me. > I pulled up a 40/300 grain and let the sun shine threw it 4 times > and it flipped over and sat up hanging its head dead. So whenever you happen to shoot a hole in your imaginary boat, which comes out, imaginary water or imaginary candy? My money's on the Twizzlers. > The beer head at the bar is brain dead .. > he says " capum capitan ,,I I got a good reason fer beeing intox mm > intox,, drunk tonight ...Ive been drinkin all dayyy > chief ,,carry onnnn > > Whale of a tail but its all true I swear on my tato . Mr. Potato Head says you're making it up, and also, you need to get back to work cleaning his private salad bar. -- K. And take that rat ring off your penis!