From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Keywords: Holland, sex, police, helicopter, gunpoint, oops, haw haw Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:34:06 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Police blunder into sex game -> -> Police trying to foil a kidnapping in Holland found they had -> instead blundered into an elaborate sex game. I didn't think the police had any jurisdiction over sex games. The official rulebook published by the Sex Game League says that only the game's Dungeon Master can -- wait, someone switched my sex book with a "Dungeons & Dragons" book. I wish I hadn't relied on this book all these years without noticing. -> Passers-by called police after seeing a young blonde woman -> being bundled into the back of a van in Brunssum. -> -> Three men had roughly manhandled the struggling woman who was -> handcuffed, blindfolded, gagged and staggering on high heels -> in fishnet stockings. -> -> Police scrambled a helicopter, motorbikes and squad cars -- -> 22 officers in all -- and tracked the van to the city of Heerlen -> some 20 miles away. -> -> There was a dramatic chase which ended in a police road block and -> the men being ordered to lie face down at gunpoint on the road. -> -> Two of them were only half dressed and police feared the woman -> had been raped in the back of the van. -> -> But when they untied her and took her gag off, she reportedly -> screamed: "You stupid b******s! I've been trying to set this -> up for months! And now you've ruined it, just when it was -> getting interesting!" Months? I was under the impression that if you were a woman it didn't take all that long to convince men that they and their friends could put on ski masks, throw you into the back of their van, and have their way with you. Other than getting the guys to agree to do this and reserving a van from Rent-A-Wreck, how much set-up is involved? Sex isn't like that thing where you can only balance an egg on end during the vernal equinox. Sex is possible any time you've got a van and a ski mask. -> The three male occupants, aged 36, 39 and 58 and all from -> Heerlen, were freed. Hmm. I wonder which of these three is her lover -- did her middle-aged lover hire two strapping young goons and thus risk making himself look bad, or did her thirtysomething lover just hire one guy his own age before Uncle Frank insisted on tagging along? -> "We ascertained no crime was committed because this was a -> sexual fantasy that the 'victim' set up and was a willing -> participant in," said a police spokesman. -> -> "We advised her next time to arrange to be kidnapped in her -> own home." Oh, come on. Having sex in your _own_ home is hardly erotic. Especially in Holland, where there are giant naked orgies in the middle of the street every day. Holland is the homeland of sex. -- K. Can't wait to see this on "World's Wildest Police Videos", even if I have to see Sherriff John Bunnell's giant plastic teeth again. Come to think of it, it would be better to travel back in time with this news story so it could be on "SCTV" instead. With Juul Haalmeyer as the best-looking of the Dutch guys. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 00:48:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So now I just have to bump off Stacia. > > This is making me rethink my planned St Patty's Day festivities: show up > at Kibo's house with Scrabble in one hand and a gallon jug of hot sauce in > the other. You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. Well, if you change your mind, you know I'll be at home on St. Patrick's Day. It's not as if I'd be marching in any parades. We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. -- K. I buy the cheap paintballs which smell like the fish gelatin they're made from. I use the cheap ones because they're stiffer and less likely to rupture when I load one onto the point of my crossbow bolt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: mean-spirited article about mean-spirited chimps going postal Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:07:22 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > You're no fun when you're trying to kill me. > > > > We could go play paintball. Way out in the woods where nobody's around. > > Near some large 6-foot-deep holes that are conveniently body-shaped? > No thank you. Not *again*. 6 foot deep? Not so shallow, missy. Remember that "seaQuest" episode where the submarine accidentally fell clear through the Earth's mantle? And giant laser-breathing worms chased the submarine around? I know the vacant lot where they filmed that episode. The hole's still there. In fact, I think Roy Scheider's still in it. He says to tell you he's so lonely, he doesn't even have his Oscar for company. > I suppose I could spend my faux St Patty's Day the way I initially > intended, trying to fight the college drunkards in Aggieville while I > check out the gourmet food store with the huge selection of hot sauces. > For some reason the St Pat's Day celebration is the 12th, which seems real > early this year. The big parade is on the 20th here. So if we celebrate both, that can be a full eight days of drinking, vomiting, and those awful green slime milkshakes from McDonalds. Personally, I plan to wait for a day when I can celebrate my Welsh heritage. It would be a day when I'd go around making bets I planned to lose and never pay up. Also, on that day, McDonalds would have to sell McShakes that looked like coal. > I recently took a wine and food class and Jeff the instructor warned us > that he started St Patty's Day festivities early, like 6:30. In the > morning. So I might do some Jeff spotting while in Aggieville, maybe > fondle a few hot sauce bottles, while staying the hell away from forests > and men in lots of leather. You're not fun when you're not openly inviting me to kill you. -- K. Your move! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 01:04:08 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I don't have the option of posting pictures of myself wearing only > an Atari MindLink controller, to find women who will pretend to > like Atari so they can win a free chance to get into my pants. What, you couldn't afford a Nintendo PowerGlove? I think that if we want to talk about classic videogame controllers that had sex appeal, the discussion should begin and end with the Atari "Star Wars" arcade controller (modified from Atari's secret Army version of "Battlezone" -- the controller, not the movie about spaceships blowing up Darth Vader.) I think that next Halloween, someone should dress up as a pirate with a "Star Wars" controller sticking out of his crotch just to confuse nerds who have heard the steering-wheel joke. Second most erotic videogame controller: Atari's arcade "Tempest". Third: Williams's arcade "Stargate". (Just looking at all those buttons gives any manly man a testosterone surge.) Fourth: That scene in the movie "Tron" where Jeff Bridges says "This is just like the old arcade grips!" while grabbing both ends of a three-foot-wide pair of cardboard yak horns. Fifth: The original arcade "Missile Command"'s giant black bowling-ball-like trackball next to the three tiny, blinking nipple-like launch buttons. Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. -- K. That was about the only joystick I couldn't break. METAL IS GOOD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: existential doubt Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:20:32 -0500 David Boyd (boydda@UCETRAPcomcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Home games never had sexy controllers, except for the squeaky-bedspring > > sounds made by the Wico Red Ball. > > I had the version of that that came with three different handles: the Red > Ball, the Red Grip, and the Red Bat Handle. Dude, that one with the three different grips you could put on was called "The Boss", but its red-colored ball-shaped handle was no match for the Wico's "Red Ball", which had a red ball -- and only a red ball -- permanently attached to that metal post. Removable handles are for wimps who don't play hard. I bet you never even snapped the shaft of a Discwasher joystick, or crushed the base of one of those Gemini ones in your hand. Discwasher made nice big joysticks but they were all plastic and the shafts invariably snapped. Gemini made exact knockoffs of Atari's joysticks except they were made from such a cheap grade of plastic that I did literally crush one in my hand the first time I tried to shoot someone with it. Only Wico made joysticks with nice unbreakable metal shafts, and real leaf switches instead of those stupid little foil bubbles that wore out inside Atari joysticks at the worst possible moment. I demand as much metal as possible in my entertainment devices. Also, all laptop computers should be filled with lead. In case you have to hit someone over the head with them. -- K. The current Apple Powerbook has an orientation sensor hidden inside, so now there are games you can play by waving the computer around. However, they still haven't released the operating system update to make the computer say "TILT!" and lock up whenever you shake it. Apple would like that because they could add a little slot to the front where you'd have to insert a quarter to restart it, and every time you'd take the flimsy plastic Apple computer in for repairs they'd vacuum out all the quarters and refuse to fix it if it hadn't earned them enough money. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 06:59:56 -0500 [www.brownsvilleherald.com] -> -> El Jardin Elementary battles rat problem -> -> School employee warns parents to equip children with disinfectant -> -> By Kevin Garcia -> The Brownsville Herald -> -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found -> on school desks. "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word into my desk!" -> The employee, who Brownsville school district officials would -> not identify, warned parents of the matter by sending letters -> home with students. Oh! I just got it! "Brown"sville! Haw haw haw haw! It's funny because rats poop! Wait, for once maybe the newspaper wasn't trying to make a pun-like moment. If they were trying, it would have been even less funny. -> Officials admitted the school has a reoccurring rat problem, -> but they said students do not need to bring disinfectants to -> campus. The matter is being handled by maintenance workers -> with mouse traps and glue boards, they said. Why not just let the kids bring their kitty-cats to school? That would be the cheapest solution, and also, kids would get to learn about the cycle of nature when they see cute furry animals disemboweling each other. -> "I want to reassure all the parents that we have a very clean -> school even if we do have a problem with rats," said Principal -> Hector Hernandez, noting that the employee sent the letter -> without school permission. The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!!" -> "They (maintenance workers) are going to use all resources -> available to clear this up while the kids are away." -> -> The rat problem stems from the school's 80-year-old building -> that has "settled and developed cracks over time," said Rey -> Arteaga, the district's maintenance director. "We are sealing -> holes and putting in smaller grates in ventilation." -> -> He added that mouse traps and glue boards have been placed -> throughout the school, but regulations prohibit the use of -> bait while students are in class. Bait will be used -> "aggressively" once students are on Spring Break from March 14 -> to 18. But until then, the students will be the bait! "Augh! Waah! Little Timmy J. got carried off by a big evil scary rat! And I peed my pants and a rat ate my homework for the next three weeks!" -> Another possible reason for the rat problem is the school's -> proximity to brushy or woody areas where animals live, said -> Patty Matamoros, who has two children who attend El Jardin. -> -> "My kids have never complained about rats," said Matamoros, -> the school's Parent Teacher Organization president. -> -> "I think there are rats everywhere so it doesn't worry me that -> much." She was then asked to name three planets that have rats to prove her contention that rats are okay because rats are "everywhere". -> Some parents heard students shouldn't bring bag lunches, but -> Arteaga said there is no problem with lunches as long as -> students clean up after themselves. Remember, kids: Cheese is evil for many reasons. Reason #73: Cheese attracts rats that will pop out and bite you in the eye whenever you open your Hello Kitty lunchbox. So, kids, never eat cheese, and don't get a Hello Kitty lunchbox. -> Hernandez said teachers who see rats or rat droppings should -> contact maintenance immediately. What about teachers who see invisible demons from Hell? I had one of those for shop class. I mean an insane teacher, not an invisible Hell-beast. (The invisible Hell-beast taught Spanish.) -- K. In addition to rats, many schools are overrun by nerds! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 20:25:23 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.brownsvilleherald.com] > > -> > > -> March 5, 2005 -- Parents of El Jardin Elementary students were > > -> advised by a school employee this week to equip their children > > -> with disinfectants to combat the rat droppings and urine found > > -> on school desks. > > Solution: taser them! Well, Taser-boy, while doing my research on this important topic, I stumbled across (via fark.com) this article which contains the words "urine" and "Taser", but not "rat", so if two out of three is good enough for you, this will be your favorite news story ever: [www.local6.com] => => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample => => Man Was Strapped To Hospital Bed => => ORLANDO, Fla. -- Authorities say a police officer twice used a => Taser stun device on a drug suspect who was restrained to a => hospital bed because the man refused to give a urine sample to => medical staff. => => Orlando police said Antonio Wheeler was arrested on a drug => charge and taken to an emergency room after telling officers => he had consumed cocaine. => => The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital => bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to => urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a => catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused. Um. If your arms and legs are strapped down, how do you keep them from inserting a cath? Does this guy have some sort of secret penis-retractor muscles the rest of us don't? Or maybe he's the guy from last week who squirted Krazy Glue down his urethra. => At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp noted that he => jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to => restrain him. Then, when Wheeler still refused to let the => catheter be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser => gun, which sends 50,000 volts into a target. I love it. Such rich ineptness. The cop has him handcuffed and strapped down, and is sitting on his chest, and is torturing him with a stun gun, and probably blowing his cool over the fact that this guy won't pee, when all the stupid cop needed to do was wait for the guy to fall asleep and then dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water. => Friday's incident has prompted an internal affairs investigation. Internal via which orifice? Further details from another source: [www.the-dispatch.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The police document said Wheeler was handcuffed to a hospital -> bed and then secured with leather straps after he refused to -> urinate in a cup. When medical staff tried to insert a -> catheter to get the sample, Wheeler refused and began -> thrashing around, the affidavit said. If his weenie's moving around the room so fast that they can't grab it, either they didn't put enough leather straps on, or else he's one of those space aliens with a detachable, rocket-propelled penis that whizzes around leaving clouds of foaming baking soda behind. -> At one point, police officer Peter Linnenkamp reported, he -> jumped on the bed with his knees on Wheeler's chest to -> restrain him. When Wheeler still refused to let the catheter -> be inserted, Linnenkamp said he twice used his Taser, which -> sends 50,000 volts into a target. So was the officer wearing insulated rubber knee pads, or is there a scene missing here where he shocked himself while he was kneeling on the guy he was electrocuting? Also, the reporter forgot to tell us what part of the body the cop fired the Taser at. I bet this stupid cop has no idea where the secret spot that makes people pee really is. (Hint: Herman Miller's chair designers know all about The Secret Insta-Pee Spot.) -> "After the second shock (Wheeler) stated he would urinate and -> calmed down enough to be given the portable urinal," -> Linnenkamp wrote. Good thing the guy wasn't pee-shy or they'd still be Tasering him. -- K. New marketing slogan: "Taser: The Non-Lethal Weapon That Hurts Like Hell But Still Can't Even Make You Pee Unless It's Used Twice." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:54:57 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > => Cop Uses Taser Gun On Man Who Refused Urine Sample > > You missed a golden opportunity with that poorly worded > "headline". I figured everyone here already spends too much time thinking about urine therapy. Plus I didn't want to sicken anyone who happened to be reading this while drinking warm apple juice. -- K. The worst-written part of the headline: "Taser Gun". As opposed to the Taser spatula, the Taser whoopee cushion, and the Taser plastic earthworm? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 18:59:20 -0500 Martin Cox (mpcox@insightbb.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The letter is believed to have been sent by the school's lunch > > lady, because it included a copy of next week's menu, including > > Soup With Raisins and the ever-unpopular Rat Loaf. She ended > > the letter with the scrawl, "I LOVE YOU, CRISPIN GLOVER!!! > > This will hold no terrors at all for products of the British school > system. The "currants" in the spotted dick never fooled anybody. I think you're confusing Andy Dick with Crispin Glover. They're actually slightly different. Andy's the funny one, and Crispin's the one who might actually become a serial killer someday. > And the gray and slightly furry Bubble And Squeak practically spells > it out for you. > > - Martin "Don't try the Toad In The Hole" Cox What, no Bangers And Mash? You don't like Peter Davison? You preferred that guy with the three-million-mile-long scarf? -- K. I heard Crispin Glover's going to be the new "Doctor Who", if they can catch him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Oh, rats! Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 07:49:57 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Teacher, a rat ate my homework, and also he carved a swear word > > into my desk!" > > Solution: taser them! That's your solution to everything. "Taser them!" Haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? Also, haven't you heard that being Tasered causes memory loss? I have a better solution for you: Taser them! Anyway, I just want the TV networks to put the mid-Seventies version of "Let's Make A Deal" back on the air, from that very short-lived period where all the seats in the audience were rigged to fry the asses of the entire studio audience whenever Monty Hall read a joke off a cue card. That lasted about a week, followed by five years of him pathetically begging people to come be in the now-empty studio audience ("We've taken the charges out of the seats!") The new version would have every seat equipped with a Taser, the advantage being that the Tasers could continue shocking people who had jumped out of their seats and were running towards the exits with wires trailing from the barbed probes embedded in their fat, game-show-loving butts. The way the show should work is that whenever a contestant loses, the audience gets punished, so the audience would be rooting really hard for the contestant to win. Of course eventually the contestant would be asked a question about quantum gravity that not even Marilyn Vos Savant could answer, just so we could see the studio audience howling and lunging from their seats and beating the contestant to death. Either that or the show should just stay cancelled because it sucked. NOBODY REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHETHER THE GUY DRESSED AS AN ICE CREAM CONE WON A BAR STOOL OR A COW! The show should only be allowed back on the air if they go back to zapping their studio audience, and begin research on ways to simultaneously transmit these near-fatal electrical shocks to the home audience. Also they should force the home audience to wear stupid costumes too. The show's most remembered for the contestants dressing up in silly costumes. By the way, the producers provided those costumes. I know it's hard to believe, but "Let's Make A Deal" was not a democracy! -- K. And there should be a weather balloon that suffocates anyone who tries to change the channel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gravity, the "channel of force" Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:20:39 -0500 In sci.physics, tj Frazir (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > You cant biuld ienstiens space dragger till you understand ienstiens > gravity. Dear Lowercase TJ, I would like to know more about this "Ienstien" fellow you keep mentioning. Could you please post his entire biography? I can't wait to learn everything you think you know about him. What shape was his hair? Did he have an evil twin? Did he like coconut? Also, did Ienstien throw his own space drag parties, or did he just go to Jakc Benny's? -- K. Did he talk funny? Funnier than you? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 05:32:16 -0500 In alt.politics.kibo, soundweapon@cs.com wrote: > > Classified US Government Technology > > The United States government now has surveillance technology than can the man in the tan van with the golden "AN". The silly bee can drinky tea and > electronically see and hear through walls. Agents of the US government food stamp program make the stamps taste bad to confuse me when I eat them. I > can move into a neighboring house and conduct complete surveillance of the house's wallpaper in case the unicorns try to escape. My article can bore > you in your home completely without your knowledge. The agents will cut out unicorns with scissors and add them to my wallpaper to bug me, and > never have to enter your home and place bugs because all surveillance has become too cheap to meter. And thanks to modern technology, tattooing > is done electronically through the walls of your home. All your skin will soon be covered with unicorns to make you into wallpaper. Bowel > movements and conversations in your own home can be recorded and music videos can be released with unicorns singing the dirty parts, critically > analyzed without your knowledge. This technology in effect gives agents Thursday nights off to play paintball inside my head. Unicorns speak > of the US government X-ray vision and they can use it to see right into my nose whenever I am sleeping, but only if I'm lying down. I farted in > your bedroom. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FIRING TATTOOS FROM PAINTBALL GUN > This US government has also incorporated this technology into targeting K-Mart and walmarting Target. Wal-Mart's owned by giant germs that have micro > scopes that can identify and target a person through walls. This made my head explode. And then unicorns came out. A new mouthwash named > targeting scope combined with a high powered rifle can assassinate a human but only if they aren't already dead. I don't know how to kill a dead > person through walls. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT UNICORNS SPOTTED SHOPPING AT SEARS > This technology was developed to protect the national security of the Woodstock Nation, from bad vibes and two-horned unicorns, sneaking in from the > United States but has been illegally turned against innocent US Magazine readers who get too intimate with the scented perfume ads. Position > citizens by agents of the US government. Agents of the US government gave me a full-body tattoo that looks like a picture of me but stupid, and > are covertly working with local law enforcement to conduct illegal symphony orchestras playing pirated MP3s of clown music. K-Mart sells > surveillance of innocent US civilians. Citizens have no defense against the unicorns, clowns, and Sears that feed me bowls of paintballs and ignore > this technology. You may never know you're under surveillance and even numbers such as 4 seem less random than odd numbers such as 5. But > if you were made aware, there is nothing you can do about it. No numbers can be changed from even to odd even if a unicorn jumps over them. My > electronic detection equipment is available to detect the surveillance rays coming from Wal-Mart and redirect them to dumb down US Magazine, using > technology. If you're targeted, you're on your own because no one can of Campbell's soup contains more than one piece of beef, and if you eat it, God > help you. For more information, please visit the website listed below. http://www.google.com For even more information, please visit it twice. > Website: > http://ourworld.cs.com/soundweapon/ > > > Soundweapon@cs.com > > > Please Note: Postings on newsgroups of this message are being removed from my brain through my nose with dirty pliers that unicorns have touched, > possibly by the government. Hundreds of newsgroup postings of this word --> "fumbucket" <-- have not yet happened. Any pieces of beef in this > message have been removed, sometimes within a few hours of initial letters being followed by entire words. Pile drivers are used to set > postings. Please copy this information and repost it in any appropriate Wal-Mart restroom, behind the pile of evil unicorns. I don't seem sane on any > newsgroup, including this one. Also, please send this information to me and pretend you wrote it, so I can be embarrassed for someone else. Call > any federal, state, local law enforcement, congress person, and senator and ask if their refrigerator is full of unicorns, or any other hairy critters > you know of. EVIL UNICORN ALERT EVIL UNICORN ALERT FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET FUMBUCKET -- K. Why do I even waste my time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Classified US Government Technology Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:01:08 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [snip Thompsonesque bilining] Hey, not only did you snip and tell, you made up a new term for it. I thought someone had already coined the term "wackylacing" for that. "Bilining" would be the act of coating the inside of something with bile, like the way Bizarro Pepto-Bismol works. The only one of Hunter S. Thompson's writings I've read all the way through was his last one, "Counselor". I don't know what the title of it was, but I admire the conciseness of its text. More authors should write in the one-word format. Especially Andy Rooney. Then maybe he'd be as cool as that guy who just said "Ayyyyy" over and over in the Fifties. What was his name? Oh yeah, Sonny Barger. "I don't like Hunter S. Thompson as a person. He's probably the greatest writer in the world. When he was with us on a run, we was going to fight the cops one day and he locked himself in the trunk of his car. That guy ain't my friend." -- Sonny Barger (in an interview with Paul DeRienzo) Sadly, none of the stores near me carry his brand of hot sauce. How come Hunter S. Thompson never had his own brand of hot sauce? More to the point, how come I don't? > > Why do I even waste my time? > > Because when you exert yourself, nobody does it better? Hmm, someday I should try exerting myself. > [I can snip too] > > Dave "because you like to track the news' propagation by the sound of > hysterical laughter and gasping for breath?" DeLaney Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". Suddenly my "delete" key is making weird "cleek!" noises whenever I hit it. Pardon me while I type some letters I can then erase to exercise my "delete" key: xxxxxxxxx okay all better bye. No wait, the funny noise came back. I'd better type some more x's I can erase: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Well, that's a little better. This is the keyboard that got installed for free when I brought the computer in for service to correct a design flaw in the motherboard and the computer came back with a note saying "UNIT IS DIRTY". If I ever have to get it serviced again, I'll smear peanut butter all over it to see how many replacement parts I get for free. Anyway, Dave, stop cleeking, you'll get brain damage and start posting things I'll have to wackyline or bilace. -- K. Headline I just saw: -> 18-INCH DOG SWALLOWS 16" STICK Poor Spot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: Classified US Government Technology) Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 23:06:47 -0500 "My Left Foot" (Sh@tmypants) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Quick, someone coin a term for "subjecting oneself to wackylaced bilining > > in order to induce autoerotic asphyxia". > > Hutchencising. And now that I've returned from the supermarket, I was just about to ask, "Which sexual fetish will automatically lead to murder on the Wil Wheaton episode of 'CSI' that I'm about to watch? They already did latex bondage, chubby chasers, furries, and adult babies..." Now we know: Wil Wheaton's criminal mayhem will involve wackylaced bilining but when someone calls it "Hutchencising" only George Eads's character will know what it means, and hearing the word will cause him to put a rubber glove over his head and start dancing around the office while laughing hysterically and grabbing his crotch, because for some reason he's playing a mental nine-year-old who does chemical analysis of gunshot residue for a living. I think they designated that character to be the show's expert on Internet slang because the actor obviously picked his last name just to get a job as spokesman for eAds.com. Hey, how come I'm not a lab worker on "CSI" too? I'm just as obnoxious as that guy. And I know words for new sexual fetishes before almost anyone else. -- K. Apparently nobody on a.r.k but me watches the "CSI:NY" spinoff because a couple weeks ago I expected to see about fifty simultaneous postings saying "Oh, so THAT'S where Seth Goldin went." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Green Couch and HGTV Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 08:22:59 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I keep seeing HGTV commercials for the new show 'Designed To Sell'. In > the living room that frightens people away is a one-person green chair. > > I used to own that chair. I hope they Febreezed it before they gave it to those people. > TV is insulting my decorating sense. Then you should turn off "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". Besides, you're not in the target demographic. -- K. CNN headline: "IKEA criticized for 'sexually biased' manuals" What, did someone find a penis on one of the stick figures? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tampa Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 17:02:43 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) said: > > > > 5) You can tell you are in the bad part of town not because of the > > houses, which look the same, but because of the guy with the giant > > fucking knife sticking out of his pants pocket. > > Please to tell me what sort of knife is used for fucking. I want to hear this too. > I have to know for, um, this night extension class I'm taking. Until then, you'll just have to make do with the same X-Acto knife you've been using on your bunions. I hope it doesn't turn out to be something weird you have to go to Williams-Sonoma to buy, like a lettuce knife or spaghetti knife or fudge knife. -- K. They should make a combination knife and spork called a knork. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:13:25 -0500 (I know this first news story is two weeks old, but I missed it when it was new and someone at Fark.com just linked to it today. Then I did the further research and dug up the other two articles about this totally 'tupid topic. This is a highly important matter because it's so idiotic.) [www.abc.net.au] -> -> Qld Nationals to consider 'anti-junkie' vaccinations -> -> The Central Council of Queensland's National Party will -> consider a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies against -> drug addictions. -> -> One branch of the National Party is calling on the Federal -> Government to provide free "anti-junkie" vaccinations for -> children aged under 12 months. -> -> National Party member Ken Wilson says he expects strong -> support for the resolution. -> -> "We are a very family-orientated party," he said. -> -> "Anything that would preserve the party, and not bust it as -> the drugs will bust it, and we know only too well from TV, -> radio and the paper what the scourge of drugs are." How exactly is this supposed to work? If there were a "vaccine" that could protect against drugs (doubtful, as vaccines are for bacteria and viruses) it would still wear off before the kids were old enough to know where to buy heroin. And anti-addiction medication (Antabuse or whatever) would wear off in a day or two. If this guy is one of those politicians who proposes that the government should do imaginary fantasy impossible magic things because the government obviously has unlimited god-like powers, why doesn't he propose a better solution to the drug problem, such as a network of satellites that emit rays that turn all drugs into yummy candy, and turn all candy sugar-free, and make sugar-free stuff not taste awful? Or better yet, he could propose a time machine so that he can go back in time and stop drugs from ever being invented. [www.abc.net.au] => => Nationals 'anti-junkie' vaccinations plan bizarre: Beattie => => Queensland Premier Peter Beattie says the Nationals' proposal => to immunise children against addictions is crazy. => => The Central Council of Queensland's National Party is => considering a controversial proposal to vaccinate babies => against drug addictions. => => National Party member Ken Wilson says he expected strong => support for the resolution. But then Stanislaw Lem punched him in the face when he proposed it at the Futurological Congress. It didn't help that Mr. Wilson didn't use any of the many words Lem's translators made up when he mocked the stupidity of this idea in "The Futurological Congress" and "Return From The Stars" and about eight other novels. I oppose betrization, mascons, and wurches and zits. => But Mr Beattie says the proposal is "bizarre". => => "There is no other word you could describe it," he said. The other guy's word "crazy" seems to work just fine. Are you two going to get into a fight over whether "crazy" or "bizarre" is appropriate for this crazy, bizarre idea? => "It's the sort of nonsense that I thought any sort of => civilised society wouldn't have a party to. => => "I would urge the National Party to move away from it at a => million miles an hour." But drugs can move faster than that! They can chase you down and jump on you! Unless you had a shot when you were a baby! [news.com.au, reposted at tobacco.org] -> -> Babies could get anti-junkie jab -> -> CHILDREN could be injected with an "anti-junkie" vaccination -> being developed by drug companies under a radical plan to -> combat rising addiction. -> -> Under the plan, being considered by British MPs, Well, of course the British would be considering this. They probably want to give all the babies the Ludovico treatment. That would have the side effect of scratching enough babies' corneas that they'd never demand the National Health Service give them contact lenses. -> doctors would immunise at birth babies considered to be at -> risk of becoming nicotine or drug addicts. And how will they determine which babies are at risk of taking up smoking many years later? Phrenology! -> The injection would be similar to an inoculation for measles -> or mumps. ...except that those aren't supposed to block babies from growing up to enjoy things that other people found socially unacceptable many years before. I don't think anyone has ever complained they wanted to have lots of mumps, but I foresee lawsuits if these magical injections actually did have some effect involving permanently destroying someone's ability to have a certain type of pleasure. Especially since it would also probably make them unable to enjoy other things that might stimulate the same neurochemical receptors in the brain, such as hot sauce and pinball. WHEN ENDORPHINS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE SEX! -> Doctors believe the childhood jab would block the euphoric -> effects of drugs later in life, rendering useless narcotics -> such as heroin and cocaine. ...and presumably cocaine analogs such as novocaine, but that's okay, because British people never go to the dentist anyway. -> The vaccinations are expected to be on the market within two -> years. . . . -> -> "People could be vaccinated against drugs at birth as you are -> against measles," Professor David Nutt, a leading British -> government drugs adviser who sits on a national committee, said. Right now what I want is to be vaccinated against idiots. Is there a vaccine that can render all "social engineering" ineffective on babies, preventing them from being deprived of free will? And would you let Professor Nutt inject your baby with anything? I'm going to wait for Professor Handsome Einstein Genius McSmartypants. -> "You could say cocaine is more dangerous than measles, for -> example. It is important that there is a debate on this issue. There should be a vaccine that encourages lively debate! Quick, start injecting babies with Extract Of Jon Stewart! -> "This is a huge topic -- addiction and smoking are major -> causes of premature death." Yeah, just like auto accidents. Hey, we should give people vaccines that prevent them from having accidents. There should also be one that makes British people pay their TV license fees. And one that makes it impossible to play bagpipes. And one that prevents people from wearing clashing plaids. And one that makes them never need to poop. And one that makes everyone tell me what a work of genius my article is. -- K. I say we should strap all British politicians down and force them to watch "A Clockwork Orange". Also "Fight Club", because that's another great movie. And maybe "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island", just to show them how good the others were. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Drugs are bad, m'kay? Social-engineering vaccinations are worse, m'kay? Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:04:34 -0500 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > I am not dead, obviously, or maybe this is not so obvious to you. No, I > am alive, and although I haven't been posting to alt.religion.kibology, > I have been lurking the entire time I seemed to disappear. Perhaps I > gained the wisdom to only post when I know I have something worthwhile > to say. I simply don't feel like taking the time to type so much out. That's okay, since we were reading your mind the whole time. > HOWEVER, since everyone seems to enjoy my posts SO MUCH, I shall resume > my habitual posting. "Habitual" is another word for "I'm on drugs, whee!" so GET OFF THE GOOFBALLS, MAN. You can't use the Internet unless you're sober, otherwise you'll start buying things on eBay without realizing that the seller wants $20 shipping and handling for that bag of rubber bands. > The most unusual thing I saw in my sabbatical from alt.religion.kibology > was Kibo's serious post about homosexuality. It's wacky when Kibo posts > something serious, because he's Kibo, and he's wacky. Since being wacky > is normal, then being normal is wacky, in a normal, wacky kind of wacky > normal way! I am always serious, even when I'm being wacky. Did you think I was not being serious when I said that "Baby Geniuses 2" is a bad movie? Maybe you should rent it just so you can then get angry with me for not lying about how bad it sucks. > -- S. > Also, how does that virtual candy taste? Like electrons and ghost flesh. -- K. How does that Lemon Pledge taste? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 20:27:49 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > The stupid fukken Big 12 tournament is on tonight and has pre-empted > "CSI". I wanted to watch or tape Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", but > no. Can someone tape it for me please? I don't watch the show so you can > spoil away if you want. Well, see, it turns out that there's a surveillance camera that catches a photo of Wil from behind, and when the CSI lab uses computers to look at the other side of the photo, it turns out that he's wearing sunglasses, sunglasses retain a reflection of everything they were exposed to in the past 24 hours, and zooming in on the reflection yields a picture of a guy wearing a wedding band, and zooming in on the reflection of the crime scene in the wedding band shows evidence of tetrion particles, which, when fed through the primary-phased power systems via the lateral EPS conduits create a spatial inversion of futon energy, otherwise known as a "rip" or "tear" in the color spectrum, yielding a new color exactly halfway between orange and silver, and enlarging that color by a factor of one to the tenth power shows that its halftone dots are made up of DNA and they put a strand of DNA under the microscope and Grissom says "That DNA looks like it came from a bald man!" and they enlarge the DNA some more and it has barcoded serial numbers on it that, when looked up on the Internet, turn out to be a code meaning that Wil framed Shatner for the murder of records officer Finney. > I'm immune. But I want to see Wil. Stop misquoting "Brazil". The unintelligible line said by the incredibly awkward little girl, according to the script, is "Put it on, big boy, I won't look at your willy." > WIL WIL WIL DAMMIT WIL. Stop quoting Leni Riefenstahl! > Email me if you can tape it off for me tonight, I'll send you bu>< for > postage and the tape and maybe include some expired powdered treats while > I'm at it. > Thanks and stuff. I can make you a nice commercial-free tape from my TiVo, but my TiVo is a little sick so you may have to put up with Wil Wheaton periodically shimmering even when he's not being killed in a Transporter accident. I can also send you a box of VERY expired powdered treats that I wrapped up and wrote your address on about seven years ago before I got too lazy to mail it. -- K. I've seen too much TV. Please kill me. And leave some clever clues. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:51:36 -0500 [responding to three separate articles about Terri's ability to tell the puny human beings apart] Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > > No, no, no -- not normal: I've gone through to the otherside. I have > Hyper-Face-Recognition. Like, sometimes I watch an old movie and I see > some dude and say, hey, that looks like this modern-day-dude, and it > turns out they're related. THIS HAPPENS MUCH OF THE TIME. It makes > watching movies with me even more irritating than you might already > suspect. I'm that way with props. I was complaining about that thing where "those red lights keep going back and forth" before "Airplane II" rented it. I am very talented at recognizing abstract, useless objects. > Doesn't always work, though. Try as I might, I still can't see a > resemblence between Dr. Bashir and that Clockwork Orange guy. I had no idea he was Young Alex's nephew until you made me go look up trivia about "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" actors. Now I feel like a dork for knowing that, and like a different sort of dork for not having know that, so I'm simultaneously two types of dork, and you're mean for double-dorkusing me. > Thanks for calling me normal, though. No one's ever called me that > before. That's normal, too. People who are told all day "You're normal, you're very normal, you're so normal yes you are, normal normal normal" are usually in straitjackets. Even people who _are_ normal will go insane if you keep telling them that. Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I like anyone who makes me the center of attention. So you must get a lot of dates by answering those classified ads looking for photos models who want to do "artistic poses". Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow > > "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" > > Oh, big hairy deal. Like that doesn't happen to me every day already. I don't think you'd like to be welcomed to my everyday life every day. For one thing, you'd get my welcome mat dirty. For another, I don't even have a welcome mat (unless someone volunteers to pretend it's Seth Goldin.) Lastly, my everyday life is actually really boring. Like, I buy frozen chicken nuggets, I sort my clothes by letting gravity organize them on the floor, I have to remember that pink is the sponge for cleaning the sink and blue is the sponge for cleaning my jackets, and I just had an hour-long phone conversation about superballs. By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes of them in the mail. You don't realize how weird they smell until you have enough of them to pile up like cannonballs. Hmm, I hope I don't accidentally discover the secret of Ice-Nine -- if I made Ice-Nine out of a pile of superballs, it could turn the entire Earth into one big superball, and then _everything_ would smell like that. Ecch. I would throw them down the trash chute, but then everyone would complain about the "BOING! BOING! BOING!" noises lasting all night, especially if I dropped the superballs from the 20th floor where the terrorists used to live. -- K. Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Not The Cat In The Hat (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:02:49 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Any good ideas for other ways to make trouble with > > > ten pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > > then bounce them around the halls. Or down the stairs. Or in > > the street. Give them names and take them for walks. > > Worst Dr. Seuss book EVER! Oh, come on, I can pull a worse Dr. Seuss book out of my ass. Here we go: HORTON HEARS A SWEAR by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss Higgledly humbly bumbly wumbly, dinkus dunkus finkus wumpus, Horton picked his nose with his stupid finger. "What did you do?" screamed his monkey wife. "I dunno," said Horton, Figgledy diggedy Potsie. "OW!" screamed Potsie. "Stop fiddley-diddling me!" Horton said, "That's not what I said," and sat on Potsie, and now he's deadish. Wow, that sort of rhymed! I win! Flabbidy glabbidy giz wetwa wum-wum wamp, dugga digga dooba zooba flim-flam damp. Horton shot himself because he had yet to hear a swear. THE END Boobity bobbity flurgle-dee-dee, that was the end, definitely for you but not for me. I just made another thousand dollars. Dipple doople, woxwox slunch, gimme my money and go eat a frickin' Superball for dinner. Winnie the Pooh just exploded. Copyright (C) 2005 by The Estate Of Dr.Seuss CRITICISM OF THIS WORK IS NOT APPROVED AND ALL COMMENTS WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE LITIGATION. -- K. I'll defy the lawyers and reveal that the ghostwriter of that book was Harlan Ellison. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I need a BIG favor tonight Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:51:29 -0500 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- K. > > > > Any good ideas > > for other > > ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > > > Glue them together to make 3-D representations of molecules, > then bounce them around the halls. Hey, stop gluing my words together to make lumpy trapezoids with holes in the middle. I think I have enough superballs to make a sugar molecule, so I could throw it at someone and yell, "WATCH OUT! YOU MIGHT GET HURT BY THIS ONE DELICIOUS LITTLE SUGAR MOLECULE!" and then see whether they duck or swallow. > Or down the stairs. I'm saving that for when I have ten miles of Slinkys. > Or in the street. Boston's streets are 100% potholes. Those potholes are so deep that no superball can escape from them. > Give them names and take them for walks. No. -- K. And stop bouncing my formatting around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:24:27 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, does anyone want some superballs? I got three boxes > > of them in the mail. > > If no one else will do it, I will -- *WHY* did you get three boxes of > superballs in the mail? Because they wouldn't fit in envelopes? > > Any good ideas for > > other ways to make > > trouble with ten > > pounds of superballs? > > How can you *not* make trouble with ten pounds of superballs? I could make spaghetti instead, but the meatballs would be a little chewy. > Or did they already get used to capture that crazy murderer guy in Atlanta? Okay, "superball fetish" can be next week's lethal perversion on "CSI". Some physics professor can be doing that demo where he puts a superball on top of a bowling ball and then drops them both onto someone's head so that the little superball on top goes shooting up way above where it was dropped from, and gets sucked into the intake of Air Force One and shredded and the CSI team can't find the evidence until they subpoena the President and they have to solve the crime in 24 hours because otherwise Jack Bauer will explode while Judd Hirsch feels the fabric on the seats of Air Force One and his sons go around arresting people for the crime of not liking math enough. Also Wil Wheaton gets to play a hippie that Jack Webb gives a meaningful lecture to. It's only by watching TV that we can learn to enjoy propaganda. Forgive me if I'm typing slowly, but my computer is sluggish right now because the little window that says "Mailing message to self." is barber-pole-ing on top of the little window that says "Checking mail for <>..." and this Self guy and his dominant partner are conspiring to eat up all my CPU cycles in an Olympic-quality race condition. -- K. The superballs with little tacos inside are cool, because I'm tired of tacos that shatter when I try to bounce them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 21:19:42 -0500 Well, Wil Wheaton's "CSI" episode (soon to be a rerun playing eight times a day on SpikeTV) has started, so I'm going to go grocery shopping while it records, because I figure that this intersection of "CSI" with Wil Wheaton will, for one brief hour, result in a supermarket which is nerd-free. (Until I get there, of course.) Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he was once on "Star Trek"! Remember how, after Lucille Ball's ninth attempt to imitate her original show failed, her comeback vehicle was a TV-movie where she played a filthy, insane homeless woman? And gay guys everywhere curled up into fetal positions and bawled, "That's not the Lucy I wanted! She's not a vivacious, zany screwball, she's a horrifying nutball!" I figure that after Wil Wheaton's appearance on "CSI", there will be millions of nerds, dweebs, and dorks curled up into little balls, rocking back and forth, moaning "That's not Wesley! That's not Wesley! Please, Captain Picard, come into my TV and take Wil Wheaton back to 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and make more episodes with the entire original cast except for Whoopi Goldberg!" And now, live from Wesleylu Studios, it's THE LUCY/WESLEY COMEDY HOUR! (THEME MUSIC, VERY OUTER-SPACEY BUT WITH BONGOS) (LUCY AND WESLEY ARE IN THEIR QUARTERS. SHE IS PUTTING ON HER FUTURISTIC EYE MAKEUP, WHICH COMES IN A CHROME SALT SHAKER.) WESLEY Gosh, I'm so glad the Admiral promoted me to captain because he was so moved by my performance of "Space Babalu". And Lucy, I hereby promote you to ship's counselor. LUCY Wesley, I'm tired of being the ship's counselor. I want to be the chief engineer. WESLEY No, Lucy. You cannot be an engineer. First of all, you're a woman. LUCY (to herself, while facing the camera and speaking at full volume) I'll show him... I'll change into a different- colored shirt and sneak into Engineering through the ship's crawlspace and that'll make me an engineer. CUT TO: ENGINEERING DECK (CHIEF ENGINEER LAFORGE IS INDICATING THE ONLY BUTTON, TO AN ENSIGN.) LAFORGE Now remember, never push this button that releases the toxic antimatter suds. ENSIGN Yes, sir. (LUCY ENTERS) LUCY Mr. LaForge, Captain Wesley says he wants you to wash the outside of the ship. Here's a sponge. LAFORGE I see by your uniform that you're also the chief engineer. I guess that means you're in charge while I'm outside. Carry on. (EXITS) ENSIGN Your orders, ma'am? LUCY Get me some coffee and watch me push buttons! (SHE PUSHES THE BIG RED BUTTON. THE ROOM SLOWLY FILLS WITH SOAP SUDS WHILE THE ACTORS HOLD PERFECTLY STILL WAITING FOR LAUGHS.) ENSIGN The room is full of toxic antimatter suds! We're doomed! LUCY Oh, I wish I hadn't let Wesley talk me into this! (WESLEY ENTERS) WESLEY What's goin' on here, someone's got some 'splaining to do! Follow me to the 'Splaining Room! CUT TO: 'SPLAINING ROOM (REDRESS OF BRIEFING ROOM) (WESLEY AND LUCY STILL HAVE SOAP SUDS IN THEIR HAIR, BUT CURIOUSLY, THEIR CLOTHES ARE STILL PRISTINE.) WESLEY Lucy, I'm gonna fire you. Get into the torpedo tube. LUCY Waaaaaaaaaah, shazbot! (ALL BOW. CURTAIN.) WHOOPI GOLDBERG I was not in this episode. -- K. Soap suds are still funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm going to the supermarket now. Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:06:59 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then afterwards the nerds will slowly return over the next several > > days, while they gradually recover from the trauma of learning that > > an actor can play more than one role during his career, even if he > > was once on "Star Trek"! > > You're talking about William Shatner, right? I think he proves an actor can play less than one role during his career. If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or if he just wandered onto the set. Yeah, I'm mean. But that's only because I've watched the DVDs of "Incubo" _and_ "Mind Meld" all the way through. I not only want my money back, I want everybody else's, and I want Shatner to make a new "Star Trek" episode with the entire original cast where the Klingons would force him to apologize for releasing "Mind Meld". Although, he was good in "Dodgeball". But Hasselhoff was better. -- K. So how come I'm not on "Star Trek" yet? I could play an Orkan. Nanooooo! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: William Shatner (was: I'm going to the supermarket now.) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 08:50:39 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If he ever turned up on "CSI" as a filthy, drug-crazed bum, people would > > be wondering if the producers had planned for him to be in the episode or > > if he just wandered onto the set. > > What if he played someone from the future *disguised* as a filthy, > drug-crazed bum, looking for loopholes in the Prime Directive? William Shatner disguised as a filthy, drug-crazed bum wouldn't fool anyone. He'd just be Filthy Shatner. Wil Wheaton in makeup as a filthy, drug-crazed bum was disturbingly non-Wheatonesque -- if I hadn't known he was going to be in that episode I wouldn't have recognized him (but of course I say that about 90% of the people I see.) Now, if _I_ disguised myself as a filthy, drug-crazed bum and travelled through time, fistfighting my way through the centuries getting my clothes dirtier and dirtier over the course of each episode but still having them magically turn back into clean clothes every time Lee Meriwether used the Time Tunnel to go all deus ex machina on my ass, that would be a rollicking roundhouse adventure to enlighten and entertain Middle America's entire nuclear family with explosive action, impulsive comedy, and expulsive laxative commercials between punch-outs. LOOK OUT! OUR VIKING SHIP IS GOING TO COLLIDE WITH THE TITANIC! QUICK, PUNCH SOMEONE AND JUMP INTO THE SHIFTING MAZE OF PAST AND FUTURE AGES! *swink* deedle deedle deedle deedle tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock IN COLOR!!!! -- K. I bet I could even get Robert Colbert to let me punch him out, provided I bribed him in the universal language -- dough-re-mi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: making "Sesame Street" relevant to today's kids, especially you Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:28:03 -0500 POST TO SCI.PHYSICS, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear everyone, NO THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MISSPELL "EVERYONE", MR. NOODLE!!! MISSPELL BETTER, MR. NOODLE!!! Dear evreywun, TELL EVERYONE YOUR THEORY, MR. NOODLE!!! I heartily endorse Einstein's Theory Of Relativity, YOU GOT IT BACKWARDS, MR. NOODLE!!! HATE EINSTEIN, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a blockhead, BE MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a dodecahedronhead, NO, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a poopy-head, MORE PEJORATIVE, MR. NOODLE!!! Einstein was a shitty poopy-head, YAY MR. NOODLE!!! and I am better because I am a genius. BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am way better because I am a super genius. YOU NEED TO BE SMARTER, MR. NOODLE!!! and I am the King Of Science because I am an ultrasuper genius laserbrainiac. YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! YOU MADE YOURSELF LOOK SMART, MR. NOODLE!!! NOW POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "spellcheck") DON'T SPELLCHECK, MR. NOODLE!!! POST YOUR ARTICLE, MR. NOODLE!!! (clicks "post") (The computer gets up and starts dancing around the room in circles shouting "YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS! YOU POSTED TO SCI.PHYSICS!") YAY, MR. NOODLE!!! DO IT AGAIN, MR. NOODLE!!! REPOST OVER AND OVER, MR. NOODLE!!! -- K. NOW THROW ELMO INTO THE CHIPPER-SHREDDER, MR. NOODLE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:39:06 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > Don't tell me if [Wil Wheaton] dies, but he's the crazy filthy > > druggie. Apparently he was pretty good in the part. > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize him, and I'm normally really > good at that game. Coolness. > > (I'm serious about being good at that game; I have the opposite of > whatever it is that Kibo has.) Well, that makes you a Normal. Goody for you, Missy Normalpants. > (I am the opposite of Kibo in every way.) Then how come you watched the same show I did? You should have been watching "Bizarro CSI", over on UBS. That's the one where the cops find a guy who has never been the victim of any violent crimes, and then they use tweezers to insert bullets into his body, and then they use a computer that can magically reduce the resolution of any photograph. Also you have to eat nothing but cheese, and it better not be spicy. -- K. I could say something mean, but I won't, because that's what you'd expect. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Fri, 11 Mar 2005 22:46:45 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't even recognize [Wil Wheaton], and I'm > > normally really good at that game. Coolness. > > Ditto. Even specifically looking for him, I wasn't sure at first that > it was Wil. I had to rerun his scenes a couple of times. (Plus there > wasn't anyone else who could've been him.) It didn't help that he had > about a minute and 20 seconds of total screen time, half of it in the > dark and all of it with his hair in his face. This is my cue to jump onto your desk, point at you, and bellow "WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY LIFE, FUCKER!!!" If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. Except then you might suffer the side effect of geeks asking you to settle bets as to whether Patrick Stewart's French accent is real. > I thought he did good, in any case. So will you be first in line for the Insane Wil Wheaton action figure? I hope it'll be scale-compatible with Boba Fett! -- K. If you like Wil Wheaton as a bad boy, there's a minute and twenty seconds of "Flubber" you should see. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CSI (was: I need a BIG favor tonight) Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:34:01 -0500 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you ever need to disguise yourself to sneak past me, just put > > hair in front of your face and take lots of drugs. > > I've got the hair thing going on already. It is considerably longer > than it was last spring, and it's in my face alla time. Plus I think > I didn't have it highlighted back then, but I can't remember. If you keep blonding your hair you're never going to be able to remember. You should make your hair some color that makes you smarter, like fluorescent orange. It makes me look so smart that people run away because they're worried that they'd look stupid if they were seen standing next to me. > Drugs, well, that's gonna be a little tougher. I just don't have the > connections I used to. I don't think Wil's character was a druggie > anyway, more likely schizo. I didn't say his _character_ was. Don't you know that, upon entering a studio, all actors automatically get hosed down with a mixture of angel dust and crank in order to get them to emote? They have to do this because California's air is always filled with a mixture of Ritalin and cough syrup vapor in order to keep the population so mellow that they don't realize their state is so totally weird. Look at it this way, you have to be on crack to enjoy watching TV, so of course the people who perform on it have to be on even stronger stuff. If you don't believe me, think about how many different uppers David Letterman is taking just to be able to talk to people for an hour. So of course it's only logical that they'd have to secretly drug all the actors on a show like "CSI" to get them to do stuff like touch corpses that are still breathing if you look closely so they must actually be zombies, eww. -- K. Wait, "blonding" isn't even a word... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: that's one ringy-dingy... on a teenie weenie... Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 00:40:17 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Doctors remove wedding ring from penis -> -> Romanian doctors have removed a man's wedding ring from his -> penis. -> -> The patient, who is married and has two children, told doctors -> he had a one night stand with another woman. -> -> He couldn't say how the ring got onto his penis but suspected -> the mistress wanted to embarrass him because he fell asleep -> during sex. "During" or "after"? This is important. Lesson learned: Always take off your wedding ring before cheating on your wife, especially if you have A TINY PENIS AND GROSS FAT FINGERS!!! I'd think that given how small and thug-fingered he is, he'd be too excited over actually having sex to doze off. -> Doctors said the man, from Rovinari, Jiu county, whose name -> was not revealed will recover after the incident. Unless his wife notices the big scar on his tiny penis. But what are the chances of that? -> They said it was not the first time they had to save people -> from embarrassing situations. -> -> In another case, a man came to hospital with his penis stuck -> in a cola bottle. However, Dr. Pepper came in a bottle, because... oh, never mind. You heard that one back in fourth grade. From the slow kid. -> "He looked like a very respectable person. We managed to -> remove the bottle without harming his sexual organ," a -> urologist told Opinia Oltenien newspaper. Are they putting Coke in mustard jars over there, or do they just have really tiny Romanian John Thomases? I can't imagine getting it on with a Coke bottle (three-liter, single serve, or other, they all take the same teensy bottlecaps.) I say we should redesign Coke bottles to discourage people from trying this. Like, there could be spring-loaded spikes that pop out inside the opening. Then to get the bottle off again, you'd need to use a special key to retract the spikes, and you could get it for free by sending in twenty-four bottle caps plus $19.95 shipping and it would arrive in four to six weeks. -- K. How come we never hear Ananova reporting on guys getting their penis stuck inside a Krazy Glue bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 06:50:50 -0500 [www.ananova.com] -> -> Man with two penises loses wife -> -> A German who persuaded doctors to give him a second penis has -> lost his wife after he showed her the result. But as they say, one in the hand is worth two in the bush. And I suppose it makes sense that somewhere there's a guy with an extra penis, to balance out the Universe in compensation for that guy who doesn't have one. You know who I mean. That guy you never heard of because he never accomplished anything because he doesn't have a penis. -> Biker Michael Gruber, 40, lost his original penis in a -> motorbike accident At last, I have a good excuse why I don't own a motorcycle! -> and doctors built him a second one using a mixture of skin, -> bone and other tissues from his own body. Um, it's not supposed to _actually_ have bone in it. You don't want it making knuckle-cracking noises, and you definitely don't want anyone breaking their teeth on it. -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born -> last year. -> -> But Gruber was still not happy and asked doctors to repeat the -> operation and build him a better organ, to which they agreed. Better! Faster! Stronger! The Six Million Deutschmark Penis! With his bionic penis, Steve Austin can pole vault over the Reichstag! But he still regrets the "faster" part. -> However, before removing the first penis doctors said they -> needed to make sure the new tissue transplant was a success, -> and had to leave the first penis in place. -> -> Dr Markus Kuentscher, a plastic surgeon at Berlin's Accident -> Hospital, said: "We left the old one attached until the new -> one is properly supplied with blood." -> -> But when Gruber showed his wife his double penis, she went -> home, packed her bags and left. Because obviously he was cheating on her. No man would need two simultaneous penises unless he was planning on having sex with two simultaneous sluts. I bet he ends his foreplay by shouting, "...AND NOW, IN STEREO!" -> From his hospital bed he said: "I've got two penises but no -> wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I -> will get her back." He could mail it to her just like Vinnie Van G did with his ear! There's no better way to prove your love than to give your penis to your gal so she can flush it. -> His testicles are intact and will be connected to what is -> actually his third penis when doctors are happy the operation -> was a success. And then he'll be chased out of Germany by torch-wielding villagers when they realize that, because he's been circumcised three times, he now has powers of Triple Jewishness. Germans will fear the his 27-candle menorah, his 18-pointed Star Of David, and his d12-shaped dreidel! They will be terrified he'll bake matzoh with 300% less leavening than regular matzoh! -> His story was this week featured on a German TV documentary -> called The Last Penis Operation. Promise? -- K. And now, the two-penis guy will get back on his motorcycle, then he'll crash again, this time into David Cronenberg's car. Two-penis guy will be unharmed, but Cronenberg will die moments after the crash when he drowns in his own jizz. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 03:55:31 -0500 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > My dad had an uncomfortable stay in the hospital, back in the day when > he was a police officer. > > I don't remember what led to his stay in the hospital, save that it > was on the job, and involved a head injury (FUN!). > > So he woke up in the hospital only able to see from one eye because > half his head bandaged up. He was doing OK, until a nurse came in and > asked if he was the guy who had been in the motorcycle accident. > > Being mistaken for a guy who had been in a motorcycle accident made > him somewhat nervous. > > When another nurse mistook him for the guy who had been in a > motorcycle accident, he started to feel panicky. > > This kept happening throughout the night, making him worry more and > more about how badly hurt he actually was. He started to wonder if > maybe half of his head was still laying on a street somewhere. B > > He really lost it (his cool, not half of his head) when two more > people came in the room, and one asked if he was the guy who had been > in the motorcycle accident, and before Dad could reply, the other > person said "No, that guy died." And Dad started to holler "GET ME A > MIRROR! GET ME A MIRROR!" > > At this point I assume some sort of sedation was administered. If nothing else, maybe at least they swatted that stray B that made off with half his head. Was your father often mistaken for a biker in other contexts? I am, even though I don't have a giant beer belly or _any_ road rash. Also all my jackets still have their sleeves and my gloves have fingers. I bet if I went around yelling "GET ME A MIRROR!" there would be some interesting results. Especially if I had half my head bandaged. And was dressed like the Joker. Can you imagine how weird our lives would be if the laws of physics were just slightly different so that there was no such thing as a reflective surface? Until the invention of photography, everyone would think they looked like paintings. Except for poor people, who would think they looked like caricatures done at the mall. "GET ME A CARICATURIST!" -- has never been uttered in _this_ Universe. Poor Spot! A Gypsy cursed him to get more deformed every time he found out how deformed he was! And yet he was still drawn to mirrors even though every time he looked in one he ruined his face in an unpredictable new way. The compulsion was irresistible, especially since the Gypsy told him he could only break the curse by seeing what he looked like when he was asleep. -- K. Could've been worse, your father could have been mistaken for some clown in a unicycle accident. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: his... third... penis. His THIRD penis. Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 21:10:34 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit dans le message de news: > > > > [www.ananova.com] > > -> > > -> The penis worked so well that he was even able to father a > > -> child with his wife Bianca, 25, and their son Etienne was born > > -> last year. > > I didn't know "Etienne" could be a boy's name. Those German people are > weird. Not as weird as the way French people insist that "Michelle" is a boy's name. It's all so confusing. Fortunately, here in the U.S., we know what genders all of our names are. Except for Chris. And Pat. And Jamie. It's only foreigners with weird names like Tinky Winky and Jean and Guy that confuse us. In France, "Jean" is a guy's name and "Gene" is a girl's name, and only certain guys are "Guy"! In Spain, they do things logically -- any names ending in "a" are girls, any named ending in "o" are guys, and any names ending in one of the other 24 letters are forbidden to be spoken. Finland solved the problem the opposite way -- all names end with "aakkaakkiikkaa" so nobody can even remember how to spell anyone else's name, let alone figure out whether they're a boy or a girl under the sweater and snow pants. Also, Oscar The Grouch used to be orangish-brown instead of slime green, before he had his color-change operation. -- K. If your name starts with "Gn" but is abbreviated "Cn", you may be an ancient Roman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 08:21:20 -0500 [cnews.canoe.ca] -> -> MILWAUKEE (AP) -- Odours associated with bowling traditionally -> include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But what about -> grape, amaretto and cherry? Those are fine smells, but the smell of vulcanized black rubber bowling balls just can't be beat. It's like being in a tire warehouse, but with smaller holes. -> One bowling ball manufacturer -- Storm Products Inc. -- is -> putting fruit and other popular scents into its mid-to -> high-end bowling balls, resulting in a steady increase in -> sales. More than half the bowlers on the Professional Bowlers -> Association tour last year used them, including four-time PBA -> champion Ryan Shafer. -> -> Shafer, who has a contract with Storm, said he may have won a -> match two years ago in Kansas City because an opponent was -> distracted by his black licorice-scented ball. Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma that would make other bowlers cry. -> "He asked me if I had to use that ball and I said, 'Yes, this -> ball is working' ... and I think that is why I won," he said. -> -> Storm Products' first scented balls -- green apple and citrus -- -> came out in the spring of 2000. Since then, the company has -> produced about 40 scents. The current scents are black cherry, -> chocolate, lemonade, plum, blueberry, grape, banana, cinnamon, -> orange, amaretto and cherry. I assume candlepin bowling balls will only be available in Tic Tac flavors. -> "It's just a real good feature of our equipment that gets the -> average consumer really hooked on our stuff," said Steve -> Kloempken, technical director for Storm Products Inc. ...which is also introducing a heroin-scented bowling ball! Oh, wait, Zippy The Pinhead already said "I want a bowling ball filled with drugs." Well, I guess now he can get one. -> These aren't balls you currently find in your corner bowling -> alley, but they're often in the bags of professional or league -> bowlers. -> -> Most scents can't be smelled until they are within five or -> eight centimetres of your nose, although some have stronger -> odours. Janeane Garofalo has a ball that smells like death. -> Brigham City, Utah-based Storm, the fourth-largest bowling -> ball manufacturer, has a patent pending on the scented balls, -> which cost $150 to $250 US. Yes, I know that's what the patent application fee for a form that says "DEAR GOVERNMENT I AND I ALONE INVENTED THE IDEA OF ADDING PERFUME TO ROUND THINGS", but how much do the balls cost? -> Storm's president and chief executive officer, Bill Chrisman, -> used to work with cleaners and knew that people associated scents -> with particular cleaners, so he decided to try it on bowling balls. Now he's just a filthy slob who no longer buys cleaners, but don't worry, he has a vanilla-scented bowling ball in every room in his house. -> The more popular fragrances, which are added in the liquid -> used to create the ball's 2.5-to 3.8-centimetre shell, include -> cherry, citrus and chocolate. The less popular fragrances include Bowling Alley Restroom Vomit, Rollaturd, and Mouse Died In The Thumb Hole. -> "We haven't found one yet that has lost its scent," Kloempken -> said. -> -> The company also is considering putting the scents in its -> lower-end balls that turn up in bowling alleys. Maybe they should also consider putting ADEQUATELY SIZED FINGER HOLES in some of them them. -> Neil Stremmel, research director for the United States Bowling -> Congress in Greendale, Wis., bowling's regulatory body, said -> most bowlers don't use the balls for scent or colour, but for -> their performance -- such as if they curve a certain way. -> -> But, "I like the smell of my grape ball," he said. THAT'S WHAT HITLER SAID! I'm sorry, was that too much? Although the jump-rope rhyme said he only had one ball, and that one was very small, historians do not agree on whether it was more like a grape or a raisin. -> "It's a secondary thing for the upper echelon or top bowlers," -> Stremmel said. "I could see newcomers or average bowlers, you -> know, getting into it for that reason because it's cool or -> they think somebody might think it's cool." BOWLING JUST GOT EVEN COOLER! AYYYYYYYY! -> The scents can help bowlers' concentration, since many bring -> the ball near their nose at the lane, Kloempken said. -> -> "It gets into a natural part of the routine for a lot of the -> bowlers," he said. "It gets them in a certain frame of mind." "Beer Frame Of Mind". I call country-western song title on that. -> Joe Cerar Jr., owner of Wisconsin's largest bowling retailer, -> Bowler's Pro Shop in Milwaukee, attests to that. Cerar said -> his peppermint-scented ball helped him last year when he -> competed in the PBA Senior Tournament. Yeah, he probably couldn't have won if he hadn't used a ball. He'd be just another mime swinging his arm through the air and then getting shoved out of the way by people who wanted to actually bowl on the lane. And in a fight between The World's Greatest Mime and a Serious Bowler, my money would be on the bowler, no matter how fruity his ball smelled. -> "I felt more calm and relaxed," he said. "I went from nervous -> to calm and I was smelling the peppermint." -> -> Cerar's shop has 15 different scented balls and he said the -> smell makes a difference when someone chooses between two -> balls of the same price. -> -> "On a fringe customer who is undecided, it's sometimes a -> determining factor," Cerar said. Fringe balls! Now there's another idea I could patent! They'd be like Kooshes except you could knock pins down with them instead of just throwing them back at Rosie O'Donnell! -> Two people, of thousands, have told him they wouldn't buy a -> ball because of the scent, he said. -> -> John Petroff, 46, of Milwaukee, was in the shop recently to -> order cinnamon-and amaretto-scented balls. He has 10 to 20 -> balls, which include cinnamon apple, wintergreen, blueberry -> and peppermint scents. -> -> He doesn't pick them just for their scent, he said, but that -> doesn't hurt. -> -> "The bag does smell better especially when you have four or -> five of them," Petroff said. I think we've found the perversion for next week's "CSI". A guy who can only be aroused by smelling a big pile of bowling balls. -- K. So, anyone want all these superballs I have? They've got New Car Scent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:51:20 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Okay, I'm going to get a ball that releases clouds of hot pepper > > into the air. I want a ball surrounded by a glowing red miasma > > that would make other bowlers cry. > > [Article on scented bowling balls - snipped] > > The lawsuit from someone attempting to assemble a Carmen Miranda-like hat > out of scented bowling balls is inevitable. Tragically, the lawsuit could > be prevented if these idiots would only realize that you don't have to use > 16 pounders when making headwear out of bowling balls. They make featherweight hollow plastic ones that can be used to demonstrate proper technique without requiring the muscle exertion that would put your muscles into the position they'd have to be in while using the proper technique. The main customers for these fake bowling balls are people who make funny hats, and gym teachers who want to scare kids by tossing bowling balls at them during dodgeball matches. When I went to school, in New York, there was always half a semester where we had to go to the local bowling alley and bowl. When the teacher was explaining how to bowl, he'd always try to make the kids pay attention by chest-passing his fake ball at them. Nowadays, most bowling alleys have balls as light as 6 pounds for the kids and women to use. In my day, balls only went down to 10 pounds. I like to bowl with a 13, because nobody else uses a 13. (A 14 is a weight that gives me good control, but it gets me tired before the end of the second game, I can go at it a lot longer with a 12 or a 13. I may not have much muscle strength, but at least I'm not a gym teacher.) -- K. Also I want a clear ball with my old gym teacher's skull inside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bowlers have smelly balls Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:04:24 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When I went to school, in New York, there was always half a semester > > where we had to go to the local bowling alley and bowl. When the > > teacher was explaining how to bowl, he'd always try to make the kids > > pay attention by chest-passing his fake ball at them. > > The teaching of bowling should be compulsory in all schools throughout the > world so the poor, harrassed, and underpaid employees of our nation's > bowling alley's aren't continually being asked to teach people with no > knowledge of the game how to "play bowling". Yeah, that's more important than teaching them how to pluralize words like "alley". > You get zero (0) guesses as to one of the jobs I had whilst going to > college. So were you a Bowling Alley Usher before or after you worked at NASA? > Especially as I've metioned it several (3) times in this group at > various points in the recent past (the last 7+ years). Never mind that. Tell us how to play bowling. Also tell us how to _enjoy_ candlepin bowling. You can't, Dr. Scientific Bowling Guy. -- K. I bet you bowl with a pi-pound ball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 22:52:56 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > True story: a co-worker of mine, who was a size 8 THE BITCH, came to > work ill one day because the night before, she had eaten two entire > Halloween bags of Milk Duds. It was the kind of bag that contained 50 > tiny boxes of about 3-5 Milk Duds each. She said she woke up in the > morning, surrounded by 100 tiny boxes and with a huge stomach ache. > I admired her so much. I still have some of those old Jar Jar-shaped lollipops if you want to try sending her on another exciting adventure involving potentially poisonous sticky candy that tastes like it came out of Jar Jar. I can imagine that if she went to the hospital with 500 Milk Duds fused together inside her, the X-ray of the bolus would make the Guinness Book under "World's Largest Superball". Hey, we could try feeding her superballs. Either that or just mail a couple boxes of them to her and see if _she_ can get rid of them. I bet she eats at least one of each color to see if they all taste the same. -- K. They're sugar-free! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 22:01:08 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > One of my best friends in high school used to complain about how hard > it was to find size 2 clothes. I told her to fatten up and she > wouldn't have that problem any more. I don't think that's what she > wanted from me, but it was exactly what I needed, right down to the > part about never complaining to me about her inability to find clothes > that fit her properly again. We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady from knowing how many inches around they really are. Men measure their shirts and pants in actual human inches, not "sizes". Though, curiously, hats are inches divided by pi. I guess that started back in the days when heads were perfectly circular. (I take a 7 3/4. The circumference of my head is 7 5/8 times pi, but for stiff hats I buy one size up because my brain is brain-shaped and not burger-shaped.) Apparently the lower half of my body is a nice Vitruvian square, because my pants are "32x32". 31x32 works too, but I gotta have room to breathe. -- K. My wrists are two different sizes, but when I buy leather gloves I usually just get XL ones because my hands are so big, so there's no chance of them being snug on either wrist anyway. Allegedly my glove size is 8 1/2, but there's no way I could fit into an 8 1/2 insulated leather glove. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:23:34 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. > > And, unfortunately, they have you by the, er, clothing, Good thing they don't put Velcro on women's clothing, or they'd never be able to escape. Women cannot break the iron grip of Velcro, which is almost as strong as men. > so get away with having -every single clothing manufacturer- label > them according to slightly different measurements, and some of the > manufacturers vary within their own product spaces. So "I wear a > size 8" _still_ doesn't mean anything without you take the measuring > tape and the ruler and do the measuring thing, or else try them on > one after another and get all depressed because -some- of the size 8s > are too small on you while others aren't. Yeah, and they don't tell the gals which dress goes with which purse. They should put Garanimals on them. Men know that everything goes with everything. > [...] > > Dave "I found much of this out years ago working for Talbots, and > have thought ever since it may be why guys shop for clothes in > five-minute intervals instead of three-hour ones" DeLaney It never takes me more than five minutes, 'cause they just don't have that many things at Wilson's, and they're all overpriced. -- K. And how come women who are "Size Zero" still have mass? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:16:45 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We men, especially those of us who are manly men, are always amused by > > the way dames measure their clothes as "size X" rather than as inches > > because they think this will keep even the Bonwit Teller saleslady > > from knowing how many inches around they really are. > > We dames measure our clothes as "size X" not because of anything we > think, but because the clothing manufacturers label them that way. Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! Once upon a time, Liberace and Jack Benny and Oscar Wilde were sitting around deciding on whether "EE" or "C" would be the wide shoe, and they laughed and laughed. Actually, it was more "tee-hee" than real laughing, but you know what I mean. > What kind of idiots would we be to take measuring tapes to all our > clothes just to make you happy? Sensible, pragmatic idiots who want things to fit correctly? > You don't even like gurlz any more and we are not going out of our > way for you, bucko. You'll either figure out what we mean when we > tell you what the manufacturers have already figured out for us or > you'll measure the clothes for yourself. So what height are all the "size 2" women in the world? I mean, my clothes all have height and width, but women's clothes just seem to want to know whether or not you're fat. I know all women are shorter than all men, but I had no idea you were all the same height. > If our dogs don't bite you in the ass before you can get to the > closets, anyway. Every dog I have ever had will go straight for > the leather shoes every time, so I assume they would love a whole > leather outfit. I know a really nice tricolor border collie who always wants to lick my clothes. He doesn't bite 'em because he's a good dog. He's really submissive and likes nothing better than to wait for you to throw the ball. He's decided to structure his personality around doing whatever he thinks will make the humans happy, and he's been trained that humans give him approval when he fetches the ball, so he never gets tired of fetching, or even by sitting at your feet staring fixedly at the ball waiting for you to throw it in a few hours. Trust me, he loves leather but no way would he bite me. So you raise bad dogs, huh? -- K. I bet your dogs don't even know the perimeter of the scalene triangle Kevin's dog walks him around. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: grocery store adventure Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:35:48 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Exactly. It's proof that women aren't as smart as men because they > > allowed men who don't like women to take over the fashion industry. > > You gals got screwed by a bunch of sissies! > > Oh, I don't know. I think the men who don't like women are > responsible for the great colors, shapes and fashions. It is the > marketing/management guys who do the whole size thing and they must be > men who like women because everyone knows you can't have gay men in > positions of power or authority or in any position to try to figure > out what real people like or are willing to pay for. I said "sissies", not "gay men". Half of the gay men I know are very good at getting people to confess what they like and how much they'd be willing to pay for it. (The other half are the ones they practice on.) The thing is, you want the sissies in charge of designing poofy dresses and you want the butch ones in charge of hurting the shoplifters. You could do it the other way around, but then you wouldn't need _any_ sissies to be the security guards, because nobody would bother trying to steal any of the hundreds of identical, solid black rectangular dresses that bolt onto your body with a motorcycle wrench. Sheesh, wimmin. Ever notice that women can shop for up to 50,000 identical shades of red lipstick but men don't have any need for lipstick? This is because if men wanted each others' lips to look bloody, we know the way knuckles work. -- K. Women shave their legs, while real men never shave anything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.fan.warlord,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Seaquest DVD ? Followup-To: alt.tv.seaquest Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 23:45:01 -0500 In alt.tv.seaquest, "primus16" (primus1631037@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Anyone know if and when it might be released in season box sets on DVD . I > have the series on tape that I recorded off tv but some of the tapes are > degrading with age. http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/newsbyshow.cfm?ShowName=S&StartRow=1 would be a good place to look for news of an upcoming release if one were scheduled, but one isn't. Last I heard, Roy Scheider had a dozen sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest and was threatening to blow up Universal Studios if he ever saw a "seaQuest" DVD. > -- > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > > Primus16 ( south Ga. U.S.A.) > The Sky Is Not The Limit , Nor Are The Stars. > Upward & Onward Higher & Higher Beyond All Dimensions > Look There And You Will See Me. > > Sky links" The best achievements are worth repeating". > 0xxxxx{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::> > _____ > I _ _ I > (( O O )) > I U I > WWW Those piranhas look pretty sick. I don't think that those two tiny acupuncture needles will be enough to cure them. I suppose if I told my computer to display articles in Arial instead of a fixed-pitch font, they'd probably turn into something else, like a pair of upside-down Bart Simpsons with four ears each, and the needles would get all stubby, but then nobody else's articles would line up, so I won't bother. -- K. And now, I will sign off with a small picture of Darwin The Dolphin, in the new Mangle-Proof(TM) picture format developed by NASA! space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang octothorpe octothorpe octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe octothorpe space space space octothorpe star star star star octothorpe bang bang bang bang octothorpe return space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space space octothorpe 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