From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special shoes for walking on lava Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:30:41 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > How about quoting some of what you're replying to, so we know what the > > hell you're talking about? > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. Oh, you're mean. I thought about mocking him for that, but then I realized that maybe he was handicapped, so I couldn't bring myself to tell him to learn to read, 'cause I don't know, maybe he's trying to read Braille without any fingers or toes or tongue or penis. And then I felt bad about not mocking Kevin, because anyone who implies he _should_ understands what we're talking about is clearly a bozo. Does anyone ever have an idea what I'm talking about? Didn't think so. Keep it that way! -- K. I want special shoes for walking _under_ lava. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kevin S. Wilson eats worms and has fleas (was: Special shoes for walking on lava) Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:39:16 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > How about quoting [BLAH BLAH BLAH] what the hell you're talking about? > > > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. > > After two or three follow-ups, any given message in ARK no longer has > much relevance to the subject line. Dude, if you think these "messages" (which are technically called "screenful wackies") have any "relevance", anywhere, ever, throughout the Universe and its neighboring Multiverses, you have a serious reality deficiency that can be corrected only when you realize you've been misspelling "relavence". A.r.k articles have plenty of relavence, which is a relaxing cadence: "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" If that's not a soothing lullaby, I don't know what is! -- K. And now, a complete Spot story from that planet where they have nothing but nouns: Spot match fart boom tears death. They also have the same story on the planet where "tears" is the only verb. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: gunge manages to offend Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 01:51:37 -0500 [www.mailonsunday.co.uk] -> -> Viewer rage at 'birth scene' on children's TV -> -> Children's TV show Dick and Dom in da Bungalow has been -> criticised for a scene involving a pretend birth. "Dear BBC, I am eight years old and I demand to see _real_ birth! Show the birth on BBC1 and the afterbirth on BBC2!" -> About 40 viewers complained to the BBC about the sketch from the -> programme last weekend. -> -> On Saturday's show, sketch presenter Dick, played by Richard -> McCourt, 'gave birth' to a dozen babies. Yeah, well, men have to take so many fertility drugs to get pregnant that it's inevitable that they have a litter of twelve. -> McCourt lay on an operating table as buckets of gunge were thrown -> over co-host Dominic Wood and the show's six young contestants -> from between his outspread legs. -> -> The babies were then thrown around the set along with the gunge, -> described as "creamy muck muck". This sounds like the most brilliant mutation of the genre of British gunge shows yet -- a pregnant man giving birth to dodectuplets and fat-free custard substitute that his vagina hurls across the room by the bucketful. It symbolizes the deep meaning of life, which is something about stuff going splat. -> The BBC said the show was fulfilling its remit to entertain -> children. Most British TV isn't entertaining for children or other living things. Heck, the BBC can't even decide whether their most famous children's show, "Doctor Who", is a children's show or just crappy. -> A spokeswoman said: "Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow is one CBBC's -> most popular shows. -> -> "It is pure fun and entertainment, aimed at 8-12 year olds, so it -> is unsurprising that it doesn't appeal to some adults. I think it should be aimed at 8-to-12-year-olds who are wearing velveteen tuxedos and other fine clothing that the gunge would really mess up. -> "It gives children a chance to laugh and enjoy themselves at the -> start of the weekend and we have many letters and emails of -> appreciation for the show, from both children and their parents. -> -> "We take our responsibility to children and their parents very -> seriously. I hope they don't take their "creamy muck muck" too seriously... "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE GUNGED BY OUR IMPORTED BLEND OF HAND-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MUCK MUCK!" -> "Any criticisms are always looked into, but have to be addressed -> in the context of the target audience for the show and its remit -> to entertain children." -> -> A viewer's complaint was upheld against the duo earlier this year -> after they appeared nearly naked on the CBBC channel. The complaint was, "Nudity's boring and hardly erotic at all compared to gunge! Sincerely, My Parents." -> Wood has also been criticised in the past for wearing a T-shirt -> with a sexual slogan while hosting the programme, which is broadcast -> on Saturday mornings on BBC1 and on Sundays on the CBBC channel. -> -> The duo are set to present an updated version of the classic quiz -> show Ask the Family on BBC2 later this year. I don't know that show. Does it involve creamy muck muck gunge, or just creamy muck gunge? The ultimate goal of science is to create creamy muck muck muck gunge, which would be so messy that you could only safely walk across a puddle of it if you're wearing muk-muk-luk-luks. -- K. And now, a Benny Hill moment: What's browne and sounds like a belle? GUNGE!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is not happy Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 02:13:48 -0500 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com) sort of wrote: > > I guess > > curses > > my theories > faqy > odu Kurt, the letters are falling off the little plastic sign in your brain. I'd tell you what to do about it, but you'd say I was just being mean, and also, you'd complain that it's difficult to get both gallons of alphabet soup all the way up your nose. > when God is not happy you better hide but you can not hide What about when God is gassy? -- K. (God likes Korean food.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is not happy Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:20:13 -0500 In sci.physics, (kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com) wrote: > > It is not good to make God not happy. People pay for it with what they > have. > > God wants people to be good and fair. No I don't. > God does not want dishonest police, judges and districts attorneys to > abuse people. Yes I do. > God does not like not fair laws. God does not like dishonest jails. > God does not like not fair punishment. In which sense of the word "fair"? > God does not like people to look the other way when they see bad people > abusing people. In which sense of the word "bad"? > God will punish the whole groups if some of the groups is dishonest. What if some of the groups have poor grammar? > All the time God is hurting people, killing people and destroying > people to create justice. Not all the time. Sometimes there's something good on TV. > I guess - all the time - for the U.S. - God is hurting people, killing > people and destroying people - because police abuse people. So your theory is that police are God? I hate to tell you this, but I'm not a cop. I'm just God. Hope you're not disappointed. > When people do not do some thing about dishonest police abusing people > - God - extra - hurts people - kills people - destroys people. Please tell us more about this "extra-hurting" of people. Is it like the difference between "hot" and "extra-hot" taco sauce? I've never understood why both have to exist when everyone knows that if you want hot sauce, of course hotter is better. > Curses make things fair. God creates curses when innocent people are > abused. I guess a lot of times God lets the devil create curses > against people to create justice. Never mind that, go back to the extra-hurt sauce. Is the cap on the bottle color-coded? And do they still sell that brand of salsa that had the blue lid for "extra-mild" and tasted like Kool-Aid? > There are a lot of curses that are creating justice. > > A big sin - a person sees a person abused by dishonest people and the > person looks the other way. God gets extremely upset when people look > the other way. They are guilty. They will pay for it. I'll accept large or small bills. > Good people need to tell people that they need to fight dishonest > people or God will destroy them. You're violating Rule 1 of Smite Club: Don't talk about Smite Club. Also don't talk about Smite Club with your mouth full. Especially if your mouth is full of the bodies of dead animals and extra-mild sauce. > Fight bad people or get destroyed by God. > > When God is not happy look out because people will be destroyed. That > is fair. It's like a Renaissance Fair without the Renaissance part but with all the smiting! > I guess God has created curses against my theories. It could be true > God will let the devil create a curse against any person who talks > about any of my theories and the family of the person for 3 or 4 > generations. Haw haw, orphans are allowed to admit you're an idiot. All those orphans in the complete works of Charles Dickens are pointing and laughing. > There are curses against people associated with ODU. I guess because > of that curses have spread to NASA - things they make - > people who work for NASA and their families. I guess a lot of planes > and helicopers are going to crash to create justice. But it would also create a mess. And who would clean it up? Are you volunteering? > Do not kiss any person who has bodies of animals between their teeth. So if I pull out all my teeth, I can still eat chicken wings and get kisses from everyone else who likes the taste of extra-hot wings? > God is extremely upset. Watch out. LOOK OUT! THE GOD IS BEHIND YOU! AND HE'S HOLDING A POINTED STICK! AND IT'S BEEN DIPPED IN EXTRA-HOT SAUCE! -- K. Do I sense you might have an issue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:53:48 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Apparently a bus driver popped a clog, ignored his malfunctioning > vehicle and went on a wild ride throughout Boston. I would have clicked > on the link but it was at Boston.com and that website sucks six > different kinds of ass. And you only wanted five? > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have what it takes to do that, little mister. However, I'll do your homework for you anyway, just because I know you're probably busy explaining to Tim Chmielewski why the gal he was hitting on kept staring at his hands when he was staring at that red hankie in her right pocket. > And why people in Boston are so nuts. It's the traffic that causes people to go insane, mainly because the traffic consists entirely of crazy people. They think a red light means "turn left NOW!" and a green light means "go halfway across the intersection then halt for a while!" and a yellow light means "double-park in front of Blockbuster for half an hour." Is this the story you meant? About one of the various El Cheapo Melman Bus Lines that goes between Boston's Chinatown and New York's Chinatown for less than the cost of walking? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> A bus bound from New York to Boston became engulfed in flames on -> the Massachusetts Turnpike early yesterday, but the passengers -> managed to escape with their lives. -> -> The bus entered Brighton with eight passengers about 2 a.m. when -> it caught fire. -> -> ``(The driver) saw some spark, some smoke coming out and pulled -> over,'' said Jason Chung, a spokesman for Lucky Star Travel Pack. -> -> Chung said the bus driver, Shitong Ou, 40, of Malden, had his -> license reinstated in January after a six-month suspension for -> speeding. -> -> Lucky Star is the same company that operated the bus that crashed -> in Canada on April 27, 2000, killing four Newton middle school -> students. -> -> University of Massachusetts student Jonathan Jones told WCVB-TV -> (Ch. 5) yesterday he saw Ou drive for miles on a flaming flat -> tire, and heard the driver's boss tell him to keep going. -> -> Chung responded that the driver saw smoke and flames coming from -> the engine in the back of the bus and stopped the vehicle. He -> said there was no flat tire. Okay, everyone, all together... 3... 2... 1... "CHINESE FIRE DRILL!" [www.boston.com] => => [...] => => Illia said the bus first stopped right after what she believed to => be the Weston tolls. She said she got out and saw white smoke => coming from the rear. A Mass. Pike employee, she said, came over => to check out the situation before Ou examined the bus and ordered => people back on board. Um, excuse me, but if I were "ordered" to board a smoking bus, I would point out that I don't take suicide orders, at least not from Chinatown bus drivers. I only take orders from the sophisticated, highly trained military officers of Peter Pan Bus Lines. => Back on the road, she said, with smoke entering the bus, Ou was => driving slowly while speaking in Chinese on a walkie-talkie. The => bus stopped again, Illia said, and Ou got out, inspected the bus, => reboarded, and decided to start driving again, this time at a => higher speed. => => ''It was really uncomfortable to be there," Illia said. ''We had => a flat, and he kept going." => => She said the episode was not that frightening, but she questioned => his decision to keep driving. ''It was just the wrong thing to => do," said Illia, an architect. => => Approaching the Allston-Brighton tolls, Ou again stopped the bus => and screamed, '' 'Everybody out! Everybody out!,' " Illia said. => ''The whole thing went up in flames." The part of my brain that understands quote marks just went up in flames. => [...] => => According to Illia, Ou initially was calm while being interviewed => by police. But as the fire intensified, she said, he tried to run => away by jumping over a steel barrier between the traffic lanes. => => Police managed to calm him down, she said.Ê I would think Illia halve calmed him down herself, by putting her hand on his shoulder, just like she did when Chekov got his hand fried by that animated plasma-energy discharge. Unless he doesn't like bald women who can't even act enough to seem any different when they're supposed to be playing their emotionless robotic evil twin. Is there a word for "bald bad actress fetish"? Also, is it true that Gene Roddenberry's working title for "Star Trek" was "Wagon Train To Second Base"? -- K. Tim, a red hankie means she's an Engineering officer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:00:11 -0500 [on Tim's female friend flying a red paisley hankie from her right pocket, and/or a flaming bus] Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. > > > > If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have > > what it takes to do that, little mister. > > What about the bus driver you once talked about who used to swerve to > avoid invisible green fires that only he can see? He didn't swerve. All the green fires were on the sidewalk. He just pointed out the window at them while describing them to the passengers. If he had swerved to avoid these imaginary hazards -- which are the same as any other sort of potential hazard -- he probably would have been commended by the MBTA's safety officials and would still be on the road, instead of disappearing like an overcooked red lentil. So I don't think that guy would have what it takes to make me explain how crazy Boston bus drivers are, either. > > -- K. > > > > Tim, a red hankie means > > she's an Engineering > > officer. > > This is just to screw up your formatting. Stop it, you formattingfistfuckerupper! > I am glad my friend doesn't have a computer or access to the internet now. Let's take up a collection and get her a subscription. > Thanks. Don't thank _me_, you pervert. I don't own any hankies, because I don't believe it's hygenic to blow your nose on your sex toys. -- K. What color hankie means "Kibologist", and how do you tuck it into your Groucho glasses? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:58:47 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Yes, I know what this means if a man does it: > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/right_or_left_pocket_small.jpg "If a man does it"? What, women don't have that body part? I have been sorely misinformed about female anatomy. Please tell me how women don't explode. > Ilana was very pretty yesterday in particular. On the outside or the inside? EWWW! > Thanks. I said, EWWWWWW! -- K. By the way, your photo is a little blurry -- I think you accidentally got some of the Crisco on the lens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 00:49:46 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > What is it that keeps guys from making with > > the verbal of even trying to obtain a date? > > There was a time when I was paranoid of the news getting out that I asked > someone out and they said no. I am sure it had nothing to do with the first > time I asked someone out and she said no and the word got around the whole > sixth grade. Wait, I know the punch line to that one. "Worst five years of my life," right? Want to know the _real_ reason guys are afraid to ask people on dates? It's because most men's brains are wired so that when they see someone very sexy, they lose the ability put to words order in or even profounce correctloo them. Schmurple woxwox inflex gazpacho nutria, exact flurpity, pamplemousetrap gnoing-gnoing scrambled eggs. Fortunately, there are a few men who are super-suave, who become even more articulate and seductive in the presence of someone sexy. For instance, if you introduced Ricardo Montalban to someone good-looking, he'd probably start speaking in sonnets. Afterwards he wouldn't remember it, it's entirely automatic and unconscious. Me, when I see someone who gives me the hots, I start making up new "Doctor Who" episodes. -- K. I usually don't get past "And then, in Part Five..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 00:36:02 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I'm beginning to feel kind of bad about having > mentioned dating in the first place. Yeah, because, if you hadn't, nobody would have ever mentioned dating on alt.religion.kibology! We'd all just be talking about algebra and the Boston Public Library! > Some people seem to be taking my comments far more seriously than > they really should be and I really and truly don't like > feeling as if I'm contributor to good people feeling bad > about themselves,even if it is unintentional. Oh, get over it. Learn to find the goodness in hurting people. That would help you get dates. You don't think Bob Barker hosts that crummy game show year after year so that he can give six of the people in the studio audience chances to win A! NEW! CAR!, do you? No, he does it because every night, he goes home and laughs himself silly over thinking about how disappointed the other 994 audience members are that they didn't even win the chance to not win a car. He jumps up and down on his bed and giggles while he thinks about all the housewives and sailors that he didn't give even a box of Rice-A-Roni to. Nobody could possibly be a game show host for that many years unless they had accepted that their role in life was to disappoint as many people as possible as often as possible. And have you seen how happy chimps are living in cages where they can spend all their time desperately trying to bite humans? Chimps enjoy trying to hurt people, and you don't want to admit you're not as well-adjusted as a chimp, are you? C'mon, dogsnus, pick up a pool cue and snap it over some guy's head. That'll make you feel better about having used the word "dating" on the Internet. Remember how, in "Bananas", Woody Allen was prosecuted for using the word "thighs" in mixed company? I promise not to tell the cops you said "dating" on the Internet if you promise to at least practice with that pool cue and a pi–ata shaped like Andy Rooney for two hours a day until you become as well-adjusted as anyone else who buys Andy Rooney pi–atas and smashes them. Really, stop worrying about hurting people. It's no big deal. Now, opening a new wing of the Public Library, _that's_ a big deal. -- K. I am He Who Tells You To Hurt Your Friends. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:23:57 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > for two hours a day until you become as well-adjusted as anyone > > else who buys Andy Rooney pi–atas and smashes them. > > My newsreader displays the word as "piM-qatas", because it is nn > and was invented before people could speak Spanish. > > But whatever. I propose that a piM-qata is a new sport which > combines martial arts and drinking gin in an Arab country. All right! I'll get my Parmistani ninja uniform out of the closet. I just hope I get to be one of those guys who uses a sword to defend the town square's pommel-horse, and not one of the ninjas who just has to stand motionlessly holding a flag all summer. 'Cause I think "flagging" is still a lame sport even if ninjas do it. > It is more dangerous than piBB-qata because it's usually illegal > and you have to purchase your gin in little plastic bags instead > of real bottles. I don't get it! Unless you're making some reference to Mr. PiBB. But Mr. PiBB doesn't have much gin in it. It's mostly just bee urine. -- K. Someday I want to get a copy of the 1950s book "The Terrible Game", the inspiration for "Gymkata". I will wager it contains lots of hilarity, whether or not it involves the release of an A3 deer. The cheapest copy on Amazon.com is $25 and is missing the first twenty pages. And I don't think I could start reading a bad book at page 21 because I reserve the right to bail by page 3. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 08:24:03 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, get over it. Learn to find the goodness in hurting people. > > That would help you get dates. > > Nono.It's for others to get dates,not me.You really think a tough love > approach would help? Cruel is easy when people are asshats. > In fact,cruel is enjoyable when people aren't good. I didn't say to be cruel. You should hurt people for their own good. That's a nice thing to do. Saying "Hey, you're STUPID!" because someone is stupid is simply cruel. Saying "Hey, you're STUPID!" because you want to motivate someone to smarten up is a useful social function that you should feel good about performing, you bozo. > > Really, stop worrying about hurting people. It's no big deal. > > Now, opening a new wing of the Public Library, _that's_ a big deal. > > I snipped your final line because no way_ am I falling for that > formatfuckingup thing again. See? It's all about motivation. And learning that you have to spend your entire life either (a) being really, really good and not bothering the people who know how to get what they want, or (b) being gleefully evil so that you can take charge of the people who chose the other one. If you want to mangle someone's formatting, you need to do it with glee to let them know, "Yeah, I got my chocolate-frosting fingerprints all over your formatting. Aww, your million dollars' worth of indenting is ruined! <-- SARCASM" But if you mangle their formatting and then cower before the might of their wrath, even when I haven't done anything to you, then they know you're not the boss of them. It's like telling the Godfather you owe him a favor even when he hasn't done anything for you. In one of my other windows is a catalog of stage backdrops (I was searching Google Catalogs for something completely unrelated) prominently featuring a 24-by-30-foot "Burrito Drop". It's described as "a lighting designer's dream" but I have to admit that, yes, it does look more like the inside of a splattered burrito than any other stage backdrop I've ever seen. So what I suggest you do is rent one of those by mail ("self weight: 100 pounds, shipping weight: 200 pounds") and then when you mess up someone's formatting, just drape the giant exploded burrito sheet all over them and say, "Oh, excuse me, did I skillfully execute a hundred-pound burrito drop on you?" and run away laughing. I'll pay you a dollar if you do that to Mike O. Two if he bursts into tears before crawling out from under it, one and a half if he crawls out before he cries. -- K. My intent is to indent unless you rented a tent, a tent, a tent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 23:24:09 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Jeesh,and women are supposed to be the illogical ones? > > Who's illogical? The illogical daters, or the people who think logic > can be applied to dating? I know. Remember that episode where Kirk kissed Spock underneath the Bridge and then they both enjoy it but then got into a big argument about whether kissing was logical so they had to ask Scotty to build a machine that could send them back in time to keep that episode from ever being broadcast? Dating should be illogical. HIGHLY illogical. (Cue musical number) A married relationship should involve seriousness and logic and fidelity and strength and teamwork and compromise. A date, on the other hand, should be wacky, wild, wet, weird, and alliterative. A date should leave you saying "WOW!!!" and you don't get "WOW!!!" from logic -- if, at the end of a date, you yell "Q.E.D.!!!" then you're so nerdy that it's inherently impossible that you ever had that date, leading to a logical contradiction becaue you were too logical, and the Enterprise will explode and then you'll have to go back in time to keep it from exploding by dating yourself so that you can show yourself how to have a good, illogical time. That's why there was that episode where Wesley Crusher kept kissing Other Wesley Crusher behind the warp engine, and why afterwards he wasn't a dweeb. Sadly, the episodes with Cool New Swinger Wesley have never been repeated, because they'd have to pay Wil Wheaton double whenever the two of him appeared in the same episode, and as a result, all the nerds who have only seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in re-runs have never learned what love is. -- K. If anyone really believes dating should be logical, I want you to draw me the appropriate Venn diagram. And no, it can't be one of Lewis Carroll's square ones, because those are only for pedophiles. Use circles to draw a diagram of how dating is supposed to work. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 02:11:02 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > What is it that keeps guys from making with > > the verbal of even trying to obtain a date? > > I think the two main things that keep people from trying are: > > 1) Experience. > > 2) Lack of experience. 3) Video games. 4) Mind-control rays from Canada. 5) Fear she might really be a shape-shifting lizard. 6) Poverty. 7) Worrying she's an undercover cop. 8) Allergies. 9) Inertia. 10) Gals with names like "dogsnus". > > The worst thing that will happen is she'll say no,yes? > > No. Whether the worst possible answer is "yes" or "no" depends on whether or not she's a serial killer. So before asking, "Wanna date?" always ask, "Are you a serial killer?" Also be sure to ask if she's from that island where everyone always lies. -- K. 11) Dirty underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:13:56 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > > > Tim, tell us, now. Is the news with Ilana not good? Has she tossed you > > over for the guy who throws chairs at people? Are you maybe feeling a > > little bit, well, drunk? > > I don't know, I don't know what she wants. I want a new TiVo, one of those ones with the DVD recorder. Anyone looking for a very simple relationship which can be consummated by a single purchase at Wal-Mart? If so, I promise I won't smother you afterwards. (I'll be too busy playing with my new TiVo, trying to make it a slave to my will.) > She told me she "stayed at home crying" for six months last year, what > am I supposed to say to that? Not "Is that bad?" Not "The contact lenses go in with the _concave_ side facing you!" Not "Stop stuffing your pillow with chopped onion!" Not "Did you know that Schubert's Unfinished Symphony is technically not a symphony, because it's unfinished?" Not "Please stop looking at me, because I want to pick my nose without you noticing." Not "Wow, Alan Alda's signature in the opening titles of 'Scientific American Frontiers' sure looks fake!" And definitely not "Excuse me a moment, I need to go tell the entire Internet what you just said." Anything else you can think of will work, although I would avoid the word "penis", whether or not you are talking to her in the VD clinic's waiting room. -- K. I don't think I've ever thrown a chair at someone. I should try it. Sounds pretty cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 07:53:20 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I really and truly don't like > > > feeling as if I'm contributor to good people feeling bad > > > about themselves, > > > > Well, right there's you're trouble, then. > > When one is made of meat it's a cross one has to bear. > That faulty empathy chip doesn't help much either and in > this climate it can be hazardous to weep after stepping > on a poor denfenseless leaf. Meat... cross... bear... leaf. Pick one Zodiac sign and go with it, you can't have been born under four different ones, even if you're using the wacky new Kibozodiac. I was born under bacon, with hot sauce rising. Anyway, it'll all be okay. As long as you only feel bad about _good_ people feeling bad about themselves, all we have to do is convince you that everyone's a bad person, and then you'll feel okay about hating all the slimey slimes who slime their slimey slime on the other slimes. C'mon, evil yourself up a little. It'll make you feel so much less weird. Also, the cops tend not to hassle you at all if you act like you want people to think you're suspicious. They only go after people who act like they don't want anyone to know their terrible secrets, like all those people who dress "normal". Those "normal" people are creepy. -- K. You really can get away with a lot more if you act like you're trying to look suspicious. I suggest buying a T-shirt that says something like "MURDERER." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 06:32:41 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I do know this much: the pool of available and acceptable dating > > > material drops sharply the more one ages. > > > > Waaah! Terri was meant to be making us manly Kibologists not feel so > > depressed at our current state of non-affairs! > > Yeah and I'm not going to do it again until I finish taking evil > lessons at the Master's knee. You're finished, 'cause your last check bounced. Doodle yourself a diploma and go out and conquer someone named Tim. > When you're 35 I'll be able to make you cry leik Russian school gurl. Tim, I now pronounce you 35. Furthermore, the official language of Australia will be Swedish. Underwear will be changed every half hour -- it will be worn on the outside so we can check. > Terri Wait, your name is "Terri"? -- K. Russkie girlies don't cry, unless you have sulfazine. No, I don't know where you can buy some. Squeeze your own peaches, you perv. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Woodstock, and not the "||||" bird (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 07:04:13 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > And since I can't have McGonnell winning here I have to think > of another scenario so I think that everybody should turn gay > after 50 Uh oh, I violated your rule. But I couldn't wait that many years. > and if everybody turned gay and really applied themselves > to free love and promiscuity we could bring back Woodstock > since I missed it the first time around. Altamont was better, with Sonny Barger live on stage! > It's a win/win situation,provided everyone manages to remember > to substitute Centrum Silver for LSD. And Viagra. Viagra's really expensive, which is why I'm glad I'm not going to become impotent when I get old. Trust me, not gonna happen. > Terri What sort of a freaky hippie name is "Terri"? You should make up something weird instead. Like that "dogsnus" person who keeps signing his name to your articles. -- K. I bet you don't have _any_ Ricky Ticky Stickies on your VW van. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 08:31:13 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > >> The rule is, when you see a line that says "blah blah wrote", count the >>> number of ">" symbols at the beginning at that line. Call that number X >>>> (where 0<=X<=INFINITY and an integer). Then, every line in the rest of >>>>> the message that has X+1 ">"'s at the beginning is something that blah >>>> blah wrote. Any line that has MORE than X+1 is something that blah blah >>> is directly or indirectly quoting/replying to. And any line with FEWER >> than X+1 ">"'s at the beginning is a line written directly or indirectly > in reply to a post written by blah blah. >> >>> This rule becomes useless when certain of us WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS >>>> ignore the QUOTING ETIQUETTE and enter newlines in quoted text, thus >>>>> making it IMPOSSIBLE to count quote levels, and renders the quoted-text >>>>>> color highlighting feature of my newsreader USELESS. I agree. -- K. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<< <<<<<<< <<<<< <<< < ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Taste the indented rainbow (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 09:17:01 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote (apparently in response to a discussion about quoting which he forgot to quote): > > Worst rainbow flag EVER. I think that technically the worst rainbow flag would be a solid black flag, like a pirate flag where the pirate colored in the skull with the black Magic Marker that's in the tip of his peg leg. Also it would be circular and made of cotton candy and on a planet where it always rains on cotton candy. Also it would eat people. And kill bugs dead, even cute cartoon ones. Now that would be a bad rainbow flag. How can I get a job writing for "Teletubbies"? Someone needs to butch 'em up a notch. Send 'em to the Killer Cotton Candy Planet and replace Tinky Winky's red vinyl purse with a flamethrower. And the giant laughing baby head in the sky? Should be a pirate with a black Magic Marker who keeps coloring the Teletubbies' stuff solid black. -- K. It would be sponsored by Aeroflot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:42:44 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Trout must be taken in freestone streams. Lake fishing is for rednecks > > in boats who think fishing is accompanied by large quantities of > > booze. And dynamite. > > Your bachelorhood is unrelated to trout fishing. Unless he "sleeps with the fishes" in the Troy McClure manner. > You never married because you never learned any social skills. > The deal is, when someone invites you to visit, you don't call them > drunken redneck dynamiters. > > For crying out loud, McGonnell! I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? -- K. And then can we see some popular rock bands of the early Eighties blow up? Blow up real good? With John Candy as Yakuza Longstocking? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:55:35 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > We DO NOT explodiate fish. Good grief. Then how do you make your surimi? Do you do it the Amish way, in a butter churn? -- K. And are they crappies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Marrying Kibo (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:02:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [About Chris McGonnell:] > > > You never married because you never learned any social skills. > > I don't have any social skills, either. Wanna get married? Do you mean Chris, Darla, or me? > You have to be a complete fucking loser though. I can't have a > relationship unless you're a big nasty scumbucket. That would be me, then. > Let's get that straight right now. That's the problem. I live in Massachusetts. And I don't think they allow that type of marriage here any more. You have to go some place like Alabama if you want a straight marriage. > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > Oh like you can't do that in Boston. I'm sorry, I'm not willing to explode any fish the lame indoor way that Archie does it. Let us now read from The King Of Science's Kooky Cookbook: [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.physics.electromag, sci.engr, sci.physics.fusion, and sci.chem, July 1997] -> -> A few weeks ago I had a craving for fish sandwiches, like cod or -> haddock with loads of tartar sauce and sourdough buns. But I have no -> time for gourmet cooking so I use a microwave oven. -> -> Last week I was microwaving cod, the fish cod, in my microwave and I -> noticed a series of explosions and my mind travelled to the New Mexico -> Laser Shiva Inertial Confinement fusion of the attempts at fusion by -> implosion. -> -> And I think there is some good ideas relevant to my patent work on -> EM-Luminescence. -> -> [...] -> -> Researchers such as Messrs. Crum or Putterman who work on water -> sonoluminescence could also work on Microwave-Luminescence, as simple -> as sticking a vat of say liquid gallium into a microwave and checking -> to see for some thermonuclear fusion results. -> -> [...] -> -> So, I have until 17JULY1998 to file for the MICROWAVE LUMINESCENCE -> GENERATOR POWER PLANT. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med and rec.bicycles.tech, September 1998] => =>Ê So, for dinner, I only microwave for I do not waste any time cooking. => And the trouble was that the haddock still had the skin on it. I hate => fish skin and so I microwaved it for about 1/2 minute and to my delight => the skin peeled off so fast and easy. ÊI cut the biscuit in half and => microwaved it. I microwaved the extra-thin spaghetti noodles in paper => cups. [...] => =>Ê So, now I am relaxed at the large table and have in front of me, => dinner. I have a cup of wine, two cups of spaghetti and a haddock fish => biscuit with melted havarti cheese and a generous scoop of tartar => sauce. I want to make all of my meals for the remainder of my life a => gourmet feast. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med, September 1998] -> -> I use microwave exclusively, even for baking. [...] -> -> I like fish that is like cod, completely white, fluffy and -> not much of a fish taste, almost like air. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med and sci.bio.technology, January 1999] => => Well, I am happy today for I weighed myself and sure enough I am now => 58 kilograms. The cold made me not want to eat for 3 days except for => citrus fruit. I do take vitamin pills, I like the Flintstones. And => today I finally ate a dinner of microwaved spaghetti. I use the => microwave on all my dinners. Get some paper cups and put into it some => thin noodles until boiling then drain and add skinless, boneless => sardines, some fresh peanuts from shells, some romano and parmesan => cheese, then spaghetti sauce that has mushrooms in it, reheat. And => presto. Today I had a bottle of Journey's Ancient Cola. Great => combinations. [Archimedes Plutonium in sci.chem and talk.religion.misc, September 1999] -> -> And for fish, when I microwave cod, which often pops and explodes, -> what I do is put the cod on one plate and take another plate and put it -> upside down. You see, microwaves go right through porceloin. Thus the -> cod is between two plates and should it explode or pop, the covering -> plate confines it all. I tuned in to the Nobel Prize awards show after that but not one scientist ended his speech with "This year, science was advanced when the King Of Science's cod piece exploded right through his pork-a-loin." -- K. I wonder how he feels about scrod, which is just cod with even less cod in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Marrying Kibo (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 12:03:08 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > I don't have any social skills, either. Wanna get married? > > > > Do you mean Chris, Darla, or me? > > Well, I was proposing to Chris, but you'll do. Not everything. I don't do windows, and I don't do cheese, and I don't do karaoke, and I don't do reasonable bedtime, and I don't do anything involving mosh pits full of shrieking sissies. > > > You have to be a complete fucking loser though. I can't have a > > > relationship unless you're a big nasty scumbucket. > > > > That would be me, then. > > Uh, no. You're evil, naughty, and scary, but not a scumbucket. There's no need to be insulting -- I am _too_ a scumbucket. Otherwise, how could my apartment get so filthy? My strategy is that I'm thinking if the grime gets to be at least 1/8" thick on every single surface, I'll be able to peel it all off in one piece. If you don't believe me, let me point out that there are perishable items in my fridge which are five years past their expiration date. I have to keep them there because if I take them out they'll smell bad. And somehow I manage to permanently stain all my towels, even though I only buy black ones. > > -> Last week I was microwaving cod, the fish cod > > As opposed to the cow cod? That's Animal 58. Every time it says "Moo!" it drowns. > > -> as sticking a vat of say liquid gallium into a microwave and checking > > -> to see for some thermonuclear fusion results. > > Like when they blow up the entire freakin' continent. That's why Archie will do it at night. So nobody will see it. > DAY ONE: We microwaved a Tupperware container full of liquid gallium and > destroyed all of Asia and some of Europe. Not the parts that would be > missed. Had fish for lunch. Margaret wants me to pick up some moist > towelettes on the way home. Archie probably makes his own moist towlettes, from Burger King napkins soaked in sweat, then stores them in Baggies until they ripen enough to use. Wow, Bob Barker is on my TV and he's at least a million years old. He looks like if Edgar Winter was the Grand Negus. And 'cause he had that stroke a couple years ago, he sounds drunker than Richard Dawson. Please tell CBS to let him retire or at least die with dignity (preferably during a "Plinko" segment), as he clearly lost all enthusiasm for his job around 1973. He rivals Monty Hall at his poorly-concealed revulsion for the people who want to win stuff from him. In today's episode he pulled a Vonnegut and remarked offhandedly that he wanted to commit suicide and nobody reacted because they thought he was merely making an unfunny joke instead of begging for the demonic powers at CBS to release him from his contract that says he must host "The Price Is Right" for ten trillion years. Of course, it's not politically correct for me to say anything bad about Bob Barker, because he's an honorary Native American. So I'll just say I admire his strength at listening to that same cheesy canned music every day for thirty years without gouging his eardrums out with obsidian arrowheads. But I shouldn't say mean things about him because he earned a red belt in karate from Chuck Norris and a black belt in karate from someone else. He would probably put the Native American Karate Death Grip on me if he weren't so old that he'd shatter like a Chick-A-Stick sucked into a jet engine. -- K. If you still want to marry me, you have to sign a little pre-nup agreeing that I inherit all your stuff when Bob Barker dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dynamite is your friend (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:13:51 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > > > Oh like you can't do that in Boston. > > How do you think those sports riots in Boston get started? Regular stupidity plus sports stupidity plus alcohol-induced stupidity? > Kibo lights the fuse with a Swisher Sweet cigarillo and tosses the > dynamite into the crowd. I don't know what a "Swisher Sweet" is, but there's no way I'd buy anything with a name like that. I also don't know what a "cigarillo" is unless it's a combination of a cigar and the abbreviation for "illustration" meaning that it's a rip-off because you shouldn't pay that much money just to smoke a drawing of a cigar. If I did smoke, it would be something like a Boyard. Unless White Castle made cigarettes. Man, those would be awesome. Euuugh, a Web search informed me that Swisher Sweet cigars come in flavors like strawberry, chocolate, and blueberry. That's just gross. I'm holding out for a Boyard soaked in White Castle grease, wrapped in bacon. Dynamite is the greatest invention of all time. They should give a Nobel Prize to the guy who invented it! -- K. Been a while since the Bruins personally started a riot by climbing into the seats and beating up the spectators... And that was back in the days before steroids were perfected! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eating a Subway Sub during the Goulbourn Sanitation Power Play Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:24:46 -0500 Tim (usenet@timmeehan.ca) wrote: > > Thought this was Kibological interest. > > I moved to the Ottawa area last summer, and attended my first local > hockey game on Friday night. (Of course, Kibo's report from a while > back was on my mind, which is why I'm posting here.) > > The 67's were playing the Peterborough Petes and it was good hockey > (even if the game ended in a 3-3 tie) but what struck me was the, um, > interesting combination of firing complementary six-inch Subway > Sandwiches into the crowd at the same time that the Goulbourn Sanitation > Power Play was in progress... "what struck me", hmm? I hope you didn't get any pickles in your eye. And how did the sandwich taste? Who was firing the sandwiches? The 67's wacky fursuit raccoon guy, the 67's other identical wacky fursuit raccoon guy, or the 67's terrifying human puck guy? Is that weirdly-shaped combination hockey rink and football stadium and parking garage still standing, or has it collapsed into a stable hexaflexagon? Any fights? And how much blood? -- K. I am jealous of you who live in cities that still have professional hockey. Boston needs an OHL team. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The biggest critics never produce anything? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:28:46 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I know Roger Ebert is a movie critic, but at least he worked on a Russ > Meyer movie. > > The bloke at the pub complains about everything, but I never see anything > he produces. > > Similarly, the myriad of toxic individuals who want to knock down anything > they don't like based on what? The fact that you suck? I KEED, I KEED! I KEED BECAUSE I LUFF! -- K. I've done that on a Russ Meyer movie too -- oh, wait, you said "worked" with an "o" and an "r". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 06:46:11 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> Parker Bowles is to marry Prince Charles, who will take the > -> throne once his mother Queen Elizabeth dies, on April 8, and > -> will initially be titled Duchess of Cornwall, becoming Princess > -> Consort when Charles is king. > > As far as I can tell from this garbled sentence, Her Majesty has > a little over a fortnight to live. And who will save the Queen? It's up to Y. O. U. Coming soon to this theater! "Y. O. U.", the first action movie starring Y! O! U! ...in which Y!! O!! U!! will save the Queen from people other than Y!!! O!!! U!!! SCENE 1 (INTERIOR ROYAL MOTOR HOME): QUEEN (sadly) My baloney fell on the floor. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN I am getting quite sick of your insolence. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Why can't I have a talking Corgi like an ordinary royal? (THE MOTOR HOME EXPLODES. THE EXPLOSION TOSSES THE QUEEN OFF A CLIFF, DRESSED ONLY IN HER FRILLY BURLAP UNDERWEAR.) QUEEN Avast! Who will save me now? (A DISTANT BUGLE SOUNDS.) QUEEN I harken! Approaching footfalls warrant the dramatic entrance of the noble hero or heroine -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Pretend she just said your name! QUEEN (continuing) -- who is on his or her horse, which I hereby christen The Horse Of -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She just said your name again! QUEEN Save me, R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She said your name again! It's marvelous! (CUT TO:) SCENE 2 (INTERIOR ROYAL MALT SHOP): QUEEN As I sip my rickey, I bend my straw to -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wow! She keeps saying your name! QUEEN -- who I hereby make a Knight Of The Order Of The Order Which Includes -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Holy fuck! She just won't shut up! She's the greatest! QUEEN That is all for today. Farewell! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She's done saying your name now, so get lost, maggot! MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) What I actually said was, I like to fuck little boys in the EAR. That's okay, right? R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wait, you're not allowed to be -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Pretend he just said your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- because the real star of this movie is the REAL -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Gosh, there's your name again! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- and not -- MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Someone please say my name. QUEEN No. Also I hereby pronounce that you will be the one who will die on April 8, in a tragic Pixy Stix accident, with the sole survivor being my close personal friend -- MICHAEL JACKSON (panicky voiceover) Please don't say your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Shut up, you deviated prevert, this movie isn't about -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) I should say Michael Jackson's name here. R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) it's about -- (ZOOM IN TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF QUEEN'S FACE) QUEEN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Shut your catchphrase-hole, Michael Jackson. MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Waah! A talking penguin stole my name! QUEEN This has been a Quality production. Buy bonds! (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A 48-STAR AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AS THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS.) (FADE OUT.) -- K. Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:47:19 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > YOU WILL. Shush! You're not supposed to know about AT&T's secret contract to develop a new weapon for the US Army -- a gun that wastes other people's time. A soldier just has to connect the gun to any phone line and fire it directly into the Internet, and then vapid blather comes out of every blog on the planet. Scientists with PhDs in digital informatics and applied Internetology are yet unable to explain whether vapidness is transmitted by the ones or the zeros. But it's got to be one or the other 'cause sometimes I can find vapidity on the Internet, even in the most unlikely places. I have two bags of potato chips, but they're both small. Whoops! RED ALERT! I didn't mean to say that, it must be AT&T test-firing their "E/N gun"! Everybody -- DUCK, COVER, AND UNPLUG! -- K. They're both crunchy so I'm not sure which of the two identical bags of potato chips is the best one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:40:25 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > For some of your readers this is Quality time. Sonny boy. Yes, well, I _am_ cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I ain't your son, unless you want to mention me in your will, in which case, hi, Mom. -- K. It's not Quality time, it's Special time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:33:55 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" > (from "The Gay Way" series, MacMillan Education Limited, London, 1952, > 6th reprint 1973). > > This is a book from the fabulous "The Gay Way" series, which is > ostensibly to help kiddies aged 6 to 7 learn to read. Whatever. Hey, kids have to learn to read gay porn someday. And since "Heather Has Two Mommies" and "The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn" got banned, it's got to be "The Gay Way" because otherwise schools will lose their funding if they deviate from the Gay Agenda as measured by the number of recruits they turn out and the frequency with which kids ask the lunch lady for creme brulee'. (Fun fact: When an elementary school cafeteria lunch lady makes creme brulee', she doesn't use a blowtorch -- she usually melts the sugar with her cigar.) > Anyway, "Tom Little and the Kittens" promises much but ultimately > falls short. It begins with Tish, who is Miss West's cat and lives > in Miss West's house, having three kittens in a box in the best room. > Now you might think Miss West would be thrilled to bits as she seems > like the sort of person who could never own enough cats, but you'd > be wrong. Dead wrong. "I cannot have four cats in my house" she says, > "Jack Pook will have to shoot them". Hmm. So if she has one cat, it's okay, but if she has four cats, they all must die. Allow me to conduct a scientific interpolation by fitting a squiggle through these two data points: INITIAL # OF CATS CATS THAT MUST DIE KITTY SURVIVORS 1 0 1 2 1 1 3 2.5 0.5 4 4 0 In the sequel, she gets six cats, which means that Jack Pook has to kill twelve cats, plus any dogs he meets during his day as a letter-carrier. > Wow! There's a twist! Although not a totally welcome one - don't get > me me wrong, I'm all for introducing kiddies to firearms at a young > age, but I'm not sure that shooting kittens is really instilling the > right values. Why not have Jack Pook over to shoot a wild pig roaming > in the back yard? Much more wholesome. Or there could be a dingo and a shark eating the Prime Minister and his baby, and Jack Pook has to shoot them. The dingo and shark, not the Prime Minister and baby. That would be _sick_. > Anyway, just when things look like they're going to get interesting, > in steps young Tom Little. "I will not let Jack Pook shoot the > kittens" he says. Oh boy, you think, Tom's going to stab Jack Pook in > the gut with a knife! But no, the lad manages to find homes for all > the kittens, just in the nick of time. The book finishes with Tom > informing Tish "your kittens will not have to be shot". > > Well, a good read for animal lovers, but a little disappointing for > fans of ultra-violence. I give it 6/10. Here, let me give you the other 40% of the ultra-violence you need. Tom says "your kittens will not have to be shot," and then he draws his knife to stab them. One of the kitties says, "You call that a knife?" and extends its giant adamantium claws. There follows a bloody knife-and-kitten battle, which leaves thousands dead and causes so much structural damage to Australia that it sinks into the ocean. The last surviving Australians swim to the closest land mass, Antarctica, where they freeze solid, and then the kittens pick 'em up and snap 'em in half. John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. -- K. Is there one about the Pink Panther meeting Snagglepuss? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 07:39:04 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. > > There have been two other "Gay Way" stories brought home, both with a > similarly healthy level of violence. I can't remember the names but > the first concerns a young prince who is greatly troubled by an > imaginary bear in his bedroom. ...way... ...too... ...gay... > He visualises the bear as a large shadow, and eventually gets rid > of it by firing an arrow into its gut. Woo! Yeah! Go Princey! Poor bear, doomed by the size of his beer belly! I imagine that if Prince ever really did find an imaginary bear in his bedroom he'd squeal "EEK!" and hide behind some of his purple frilly furniture unless he was smart enough to convince the bear that he'd rather maul Michael Jackson instead of him, but most bears can't tell the difference between Michael Jackson and Prince. Either that or Prince would just call his friend Batman. > The second concerns a car whose handbrake fails at the top of a hill. > As it zooms along its downward trajectory it encounters a number of > cute animals that beseech it to stop. "No no" it replies, a cheeky > grin on its happy little face, "I cannot stop!". "Also I am not affiliated with Putt-Putt(R) Miniature Golf Courses Of America Inc.!" > Well, you just know it's going to end in tears and so it does as the > car is obliterated by a train. By all accounts our daughter was > somewhat dismayed by the grisly death of the personable car, but such > is the way of the modern world, says I. (The fact that the books were > written in the 50's merely adds to the irony). Did it show the firefighters cutting the car apart with the Jaws Of Life in case the car kept a puppy in his glove compartment? -- K. This is why I don't drive. Too many crazy talking cars on the road. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What is the sound of one thousand hands clapping? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:04:25 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [...] > > Also I noticed that "natural calamari" rings are 45% squid. However > "formed Kalamari*" rings are 45% white fish, and 5% squid. > > *Kalamari is a trademark. > > That's a pretty sneaky trick trademarking a name like "Kalamari" so > that you can sell cheap fish squishings as calamari. OTHER TRADEMARKS FOR FAKE SQUID 1. Fish Squidshings ------------------------------- 2. Squiddities (let's see if I can do 20) 3. Calamaxi Pads 4. Tentacloopers 5. Fun Rings 6. Fishcuttlefish 7. Squidentical 8. I Can't Believe Those Aren't Tentacles 9. Lo-Calamari 10. Cuttlethings 11. Suckers 4 Suckers 12. Meat Loaf Of The Sea 13. Onion-Free Rings 14. Squirted Squozen Squid 15. Poots 'n' Tentacles 16. Breaded Things That Live In The Ocean And Other Things 17. Otto Preminger Presents: Squidoo! 18. Tentacleccch (also known as Bill Gainesburgers) 19. Calamaripoff 20. Daddy, What Was A Squid? -- K. "I heartily endorse Your move. Kibo's formatting." -- Zorro ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:10:28 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. It's because everyone loves their puppies, but nobody feels any affection at all for their pet goldfish. This is why you see people eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish brand crackers, although they aren't real goldfish -- those you will find under "Appetizers" at any Chinese restaurant. If you don't believe me, notice that any Chinese restaurant will have a big tank of eels and lobsters and other icky things in the front window, but they keep the delicious goldfish in a pretty little bowl by the cash register. Now, what would be art would be if you rubbed chum on a blender and threw it into the ocean so a shark could swallow it and then you could say "LOOK! A BLENDER IN A FISH!" -- K. I think fried flounder's my favorite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 05:20:49 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. > > fishes have a memory of 3 seconds I don't know, I think that fish aren't as smart as people, although it's hard to tell because you can't make them take IQ tests and *DING* Whoops, that sound meant that 3 seconds of my reply is up, so if I can keep going without changing the subject that means I'm smarter than a fish. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, vinyl. Vinyl manages to smell both very bad and very good at the same time. And then three seconds later you forget whether it smelled good or bad or both so you can smell it again and say, "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" and then three seconds later, you can say "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" Also fishhooks are made of some funny cheap metal that's supposed to dissolve in water and that's why they taste bad, which is the main reason you should eat fish and not fish hooks. There should be a breakfast cereal that's just a big bowl of fish hooks to teach kids how bad they taste so that they won't eat any when they grow up. Also, there should be a cereal made from bacon. Everybody likes bacon, which is why they would bait fish hooks with it if they really wanted people to eat fish hooks. Hmm, I need to add that to my to-do list, and also buy enough fishing line to reach the street from my seventh-floor window. -- K. In three seconds, start reading this article again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:42:56 -0500 Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. This batch is big enough that I'm posting it in two installments. Here's the first half. -- K. It's like an overdose of refreshing new Kontext-Away. [searchsecurity.techtarget.com] -> -> Don Orifice has trouble getting through to his clients when he -> tries to stress the importance of preparing for disaster. [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => [...] the photographs of the Iraqis being trussed up, forced naked => into pyramids with other men while a female soldier brandished a => whip nearby or otherwise abused Iraqis at Abu Ghraib looked like => an advertisement for Dominatrixes R Us. [www.boston.com] -> -> Dillon had put his hands on the Vince Lombardi Trophy, not a -> spatula. [www.latimes.com] => => He used a spatula to carefully lift the rat from the cutting board => and pressed it onto the background piece of clay with his fingers. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> The cynicism that has greeted her release makes me want to buy her -> signature spatula and punish her tormenters -- tastefully, of -> course. [www.thestar.com.my] => => The proboscis monkey has a huge, bulbous nose, a giant belly, and => a long white tail that ends in what looks like a wide spatula. [www.nwanews.com] -> -> Flame-blackened cherry Spootle is "a spatula that thinks it'sa -> spoon" and does a great job of scraping pot bottoms. [www.golfdigest.com] => => Anchor a spatula to your right arm (I'm using my watch and gauze => tape here) to get a feel for how the wrist should move during the => swing. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] -> -> Good rock makes you want to go to town on your roommate with that -> plastic spatula he left lying around. [www.southend.wayne.edu] => => I mean, there is nothing in Lover's Lane that even compares to => this thing. Yet there it sits, keeping its silent cyclopean watch => over us. => => Is it friendly? Does it mean us harm? Is it there to inspire, => challenge, anger, entice, amuse? => => Is it lonely for the companionship of an equally magnificent => plaster orifice? [www.gigwise.com] -> -> Just when your convinced something is going to be great, that -> something more than often turns out to be an overrated orifice of -> arse. [www.chevyhiperformance.com] => => Although a solid lifter has an oil-fed orifice, it is still a => mechanical lifter. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> Some men are more than happy to just look down and watch their -> prized penises slide in and out of their partner's orifice in real -> time. [nigeriaworld.com] => => The southern compradors are no doubt in soup. The political => economy of their quest for a national dialogue is as clear as => noonday. The wind has blown and the people definitely have seen => the cloacae of their hen. This is the season to put an end to the => consecration of abject obscenities. All unreasoning calculations => and miscalculations of the ruling elites, North and South, must be => exposed to the ordinary people. All the escape routes must be => blocked, like rat in the field leaving only the orifice for => smoking with pepper and tobacco ember and the outlet where stand => guard the people machetes drawn. All talk about amalgamation is => balderdash. [www.canada.com] -> -> Why is it that the force of the air that is emitted from so many -> of these hand dryers is about as powerful as a gerbil's fart? [www.thestar.com] => => Among other things, coffee was considered good for purging the => body like a kind of through-draft, making you vomit on one end and => fart on the other. [www.deccanherald.com] -> -> This was his thinking. But the governor is a f-nngfi^itinn^l hp;^ -> ^ hp ^nnnf wish awqy the fart ofnnmr^rs.thatdf^mninfLa^matonty. -> ^yhy. [www.seattleweekly.com] => => Stand tall. Don't light any matches. You might as well be in an => airtight room full of farting cows. That's just how combustible => your scene is at the moment. [blogcritics.org] -> -> But the fact that everquest characters are not "real" is nothing -> special. You honestly don't know what the fuck you're talking -> about, do you? [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => A 1995 Princess Leia figure in the orange package? About as => valuable as an ewok turd. [www.aspentimes.com] -> -> In remembrance of the mining camp of a similar name, many locals -> are now referring to the top of the mountain as "Turds a lot -> Park." I tell you, it's enough to make you want to eat your lunch -> out in the woods squatting behind a tree! [thestar.com.my] => => Instead I've slipped into my alter ego of The Terrible Turd of the => Tundra leading my savage hordes in pillage and plunder. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> And I would like to shove it, but I can't right now because you're -> already sitting on it, like the Fonzie says. [writ.news.findlaw.com] => => If it wanted to have a better chance of winning, the prosecution => should have adopted a strategy that lawyers have nicknamed => "putting the turd on the mantel." [thedaily.washington.edu] -> -> If you (guy or girl) have a fantasy about dressing up as a nun and -> getting your toes licked by a Metro bus driver, you aren't going -> to reveal that to just anyone. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Art Sparks. Leatherman Art Learning Center, Speed Art Museum, 2035 => S. Third St. Interactive gallery. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> Yet strangely, she seems more at home with any other orifice than -> the vagina, from which her writing appears curiously detached. [www.jhunewsletter.com] => => Ooh! So sweet, this hot bubbling inner soup of endorphins (er, => love), this cramming of goose pate into the gaping orifice of your => doe-eyed sweetie-pie. [dnd.warcry.com] -> -> PVP pickpocketing is strictly the realm of griefers. Some of the -> posters however insisted it was a tragic loss to Rogues. But later -> posts point out that 'Rogues' are still Rogues NOT 'Thieves' and -> this was not a catastrophic loss (to the best of anyone's -> knowledge NPC pickpocketing is in). [www.warcry.com] => => The trick to dealing with kiddies and griefers is to beat them at => their own game: accept the duel, lull them into a false sense of => security, let them think they're smarter than you. As soon as the => cinematic cuts away, slam them with your fiercest spell and run => like there's no tomorrow. Jump erratically and circle strafe, all => the while cackling with glee and quoting Moby Dick. They'll => eventually get lucky and catch up to you while you're typing, => "From Hell's heart I stab at thee!" or they'll get bored and walk => away, whereupon you track them down and repeat the spell/quotation => process. [sport.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Then there's Frederic Michalak, still out in the cold -- or at -> least on the bench. In stays Yann Delaigue, who couldn't kick for -> nougat against Scotland. [www.charlotte.com] => => Atoms in the spatulae, like all atoms, have a positively charged => nucleus and negatively charged electrons moving outside the => nucleus. Likewise, atoms in the ceiling have a positive nucleus => and negative electrons. For brief moments, there is an attraction => between the positive nuclei of the gecko spatula and the electrons => of the ceiling. [www.boston.com] -> -> One of the most important things to remember about buying a sofa -> is to sit on it. [www.oregonlive.com] => => She counsels homebuyers in the area to beware: "Never buy => something and sit on it, that's my big advice." [www.spectatornews.com] -> -> The Finance Commission is the only commission of Senate that -> requires a block of senators to sit on it. [www.seacoastonline.com] => => "The law may curb abuses, but it's like killing a fly by having an => elephant sit on it," he said. [www.bozemandailychronicle.com] -> -> "For furniture, people want to feel it, they want to sit on it. -> You can't do that over the Internet." [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] => => Lisa I'Anson, Magenta Divine, James Brown and Rowland Rivron head => off to the Himalayas for a bit of yogic cleansing, which includes => something called Urine Therapy that was not at all what the celebs => expected. [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] -> -> Things faired slightly better in the Himalayas with all the celebs -> managing to rinse their sinuses, and induce vomiting after -> drinking three litres of warm water, but there were grumblings of -> discontent when it came to the Urine Therapy. [www.health24.com] => => So, no electric corkscrews and definitely no Leatherman tools, no => matter how nicely they're wrapped. [www.studlife.com] -> -> In order to test the condom's durability in the act, we used a -> bagel to simulate whichever orifice you fancy. Unfortunately, the -> cucumber tore it to ribbons, and we just didn't have any other -> holes lying around. [www.greenfutures.org.uk] => => My tourists really do not appreciate the 'swimming with turds' => experience. [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> "My question is, why do we have a dress code when it is printed in -> the handbook that children aren't allowed to have clothing that is -> down to where you can see their garment and it's not enforced at -> all? Where is the authority in this matter? This needs to be -> enforced." [www.belpertoday.com] => => Commanding officer Andrew Price was loaned to HMS Quorn for three => and a half months and Able Seamen Paul Markham and James Kirk => represented the ship at the Remembrance ceremony at the Cenotaph => in November. [www.fredericsburg.com] -> -> The bullies end up getting mad and that's when they give Blaine's -> character "a humongous wedgie.". "I was wearing padded underwear," -> Blaine said. [www.straight.com] => => The only drawback with Ginch Gonch is that not everyone gets to => see you wearing it. Maybe pulling a wedgie will become the next => club craze. [sportal.com.au] -> -> In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating -> between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between -> the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty. [www.star.niu.edu] => => Whether you're strutting down the beach in your new swimsuit or => drunkenly floating on a tube in the middle of the ocean, keep in => mind that swimsuits that fit properly will always make you look => better than Ms. Wedgie McNipslip. [www.startribune.com] -> -> Show respect to our Nordic heritage by trying not to gag on -> lutefisk. [www.willistonherald.com] => => This event continues to grow and it feeds directly off the ongoing => lutefisk and meatball feed from First Lutheran Church. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Each Christmas, Norwegian-Americans march into the nearest Norsk -> deli to buy lutefisk, the lye-soaked dried cod that hasn't been -> eaten in Norway since peasants could afford refrigerators. [www.zwire.com] => => I can even find something to like about lutefisk: melted butter. => => But it's hard for me to get excited about lefse. [www.twincities.com] -> -> The lutefisk-versus-lust tension was evident at the Capitol in 2004. [www.kltv.com] => => The spatula setting worked well to flip the egg over. [www.lacrossetribune.com] -> -> Many people have lower expectations for those with disabilities, -> he said, or what he calls "gimp-phobia." [www2.townonline.com] => => Forecasters gave plenty of warning for the last blizzard, and, => because they did people had emptied the snack shelves of food => stores. It was so bad that Trader Joe's ran out of caramel covered => no-fat popcorn. [www.thestate.com] -> -> First, it shows them we won't be manipulated by someone shorter -> than we are who wouldn't even know the difference between Mork and -> Fonzie if it weren't for Nick at Nite; [...] [www.adn.com] => => I love living in a place where the world's very first Duck Fart => was poured. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> The story it tells us is of yeast in a barrel, feeding and farting -> until it is poisoned by its own waste. [www.wluctv6.com] => => ORVs and four wheel drive vehicles are destroying the Felch => snowmobile trail in the southern U.P. [www.dailypress.net] -> -> Siegler hit a couple of late 3-point baskets at Felch "that just -> stuck a knife in us," he noted. [www.g4tv.com] => => You may think that farting in front of a girl you like means that => you're comfortable with her, but every magazine she has in her => bathroom tells her that it means you don't respect her. [www.boston.com] -> -> In New England, people don't think about okra, or if they do, they -> picture something unpleasant. [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => Maybe Mom cooks the spinach too much, rendering it easy => competition for okra's slime factor. [www.latimes.com] -> -> the better to avoid airplane food and Dodger Dogs, the two worst -> offenses to the human palate this side of okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => The N.C.-based kite-flying group Wings Above Carolina Kiting and => Okra Society, or WACKOS, will be at this year's Go Fly A Kite day => [...] [seattletimes.nwsource.com] -> -> This is a true story: Nobody who was born and raised on the West -> Coast eats okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => "Come on, Okra Crow you can make it, come on and shoot!" => => "Who?" my son said, eyes huge, mouth gaping. => => "Okra For," I said trying to correct myself. => => "Mom," he said. "Do you mean Okafor? As in Emeka Okafor, the best => player on the team." [www.wpi.edu] -> -> Inanimate objects are a definite possibility, anything with a soft -> texture and appropriately sized orifice will do. Shoes, fruit, -> snow(wo)men, pencil sharpeners, use your imagination [...] [www.thehindubusinessline.com] => => Negativity is an attitude... 100 minus 1 can be 99. But, it can => also be 100 for a generous man who'll say ek galti ho gayi chchod => dau (forgive one mistake), it can be zero for the utterly negative => people and it can be - 1 for a sadist. This is the new arithmetic => that I've learnt! [english.ohmynews.com] -> -> Weeks after the attempt I still feel aches and pain from this -> self-inflicted Spanish Inquisition of winter sports. -> -> Who's sadistic idea was it anyway to make what was obviously some -> kind of medieval Swiss torture into a sport? -> -> [they mean snowboarding.] [www.opinion.telegraph.co.uk] => => There was a gym master at Westminster School, where I went after => Orwell Park, who was a sadist. => => He had been a paratrooper, and had two catchphrases, which he => repeated endlessly to the boys in his charge. One was: "I may be => small, but I'm tough." The other: "I've got muscles in places, => lad, where you haven't got places." [www.wtnh.com] -> -> So perhaps don't view this as a bridge over troubled waters -> connecting troubled roads. Once the first orange cone is put out -> it might be the start of building a bridge to fuller stomachs. [www.journal-news.com] => => The report contains statements from six eyewitnesses who observed => Gully, 53, either toss an orange cone about 15 to 20 feet at Kelch => or saw him throw a roll of yellow police tape into a crowd of => visitors. [www.ajc.com] -> -> Those of us who live, work and shop in that area on a daily basis -> will have to contend with what will surely be four years of -> "Orange Cone Hell." [www.missoulian.com] => => It's a tavern owner's worst nightmare: It's St. Patrick's Day, but => the decorations for your business are flashing barricades and => orange cones. [www.abqtrib.com] -> -> At a Washington practice, McKay got so angry at Didrickson for -> poor defense that he made him stand in the corner of the court and -> guard an orange cone. [www.stltrib.com] => => She said the art will offer a reason to come downtown when the => orange cones might otherwise scare people. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> They're drilled with a stopwatch in the task of setting up a -> checkpoint -- a "serpentine" of concertina wire, at least three -> orange cones and, farthest out, a warning sign. [www.dailycampus.com] => => A huge fan of "Saved by the Bell," orange cones, girls and pizza, => Derek Olson has been leading the student body as USG President => since April 2004. [www.herald-sun.com] -> -> Students milled about snapping photos with their camera phones as -> random objects -- an orange traffic cone, a 40-ish woman's bra -- -> were tossed into the bonfire. [www.zeit.de] => => "You see orange cones and constantine wire before you even see => soldiers," he says. [www.myrtlebeachonline.com] -> -> I'm worried about the city of Myrtle Beach sweeping me up when -> they come behind me collecting orange cones and barricades. [barometer.orst.edu] => => Seriously, Math, screw you. [www.courierpostonline.com] -> -> `Tough' means you can fight back. Today I just have to take it. I -> still can't believe it. I'm angry, and all I can do is sit on it. [www.despardes.com] => => His fasts, enemas, goat milk, fresh fruits and urine therapy could => help him gambol past a century. But his simple calculations had => not factored in hate. => => [They mean Gandhi.] [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Originally excited to be part of the crossover, Ruivivar says, -> "Then I got reports that I was going to be bleeding from every -> orifice, so I was less excited. [www.pitch.com] => => Rock steady got us out, but the dominatrix bowled us over. [onmilwaukee.com] -> -> Smooth in verbal delivery but anything but that in his backing -> tracks is rap crew Dalek (pronounced dialect), who comes to the -> Cactus Club, Friday, Feb. 25. [www.rockclimbing.com] => => Another remarked that he looked like he'd been playing with a turd => after using the red chalk, and yet another was disappointed that => by "colored chalk" I didn't mean dayglo green, pink and blue. [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> My Japanese friends refer to Starck's creation as o gon no unko -> (the golden turd), and tourists frequently ask for directions to -> the unchi biru (poop building). [www.mainecampus.com] => => The band wanted to get some authentic Maine lobster, but the => restaurant didn't sell lobster on Sunday. Instead, the group went => to an unnamed Mexican restaurant. "It was the most disgusting => experience ever. It reminded me of when I mistook my pet rats turd => for a Hershey Kiss," Jaret recalled. [www.mailtribune.com] -> -> "The other thing that is a bit of concern for me is this dungeon. -> We'll have to see it first," he said. "It's unlawful to commit -> sadomasochism or sexual conduct in a live show." [www.ocweekly.com] => => There is boy ass; girl ass; boy ass drawn fluid and soft, like => girl ass; girl ass farting; girl ass with stubble; girl ass with a => rose stuck in it. Really. There's a _lot_ of ass. [www.pitch.com] -> -> However, Plaid Shirt, breaking down under our expert questioning -> skills, confessed that the Roman candles were not up his ass. [allafrica.com] => => The most common and least violent of rapists are usually solitary, => socially inadequate men with low self esteem, whose primary aim is => to reassure themselves of their sexual inadequacy and masculinity => by exercising power over the powerless victim. => => These guys are humble, friendly and caring and they make most of => the cases in our country. [www.popmatters.com] -> -> It was the only point in the [Grammys] not interrupted by Cirque -> du Soleil, balls of rising fire, or five other songs crammed -> around its edges. Sadists: this show is designed by -> kitten-burning, baby-drowning sadists. [apnews.excite.com] => => "You know, it's neat, but it's kind of creepy," she said. => => [It's a corpse-shrinkwrapping machine.] [www.estripes.com] -> -> School Age Care Program and piano lesson payments can be made at -> the Kibo Child Development Center; [...] [www.nynewsday.com] => => Consider the possibilities. This exuberantly twisted chiller flits => between the agony of sadism and the ecstasy of mindlessness. [www.ladowntownnews.com] -> -> In other words, how many people have to live here to convince -> Trader Joe's to open on the ground floor of a loft building? [www.adn.com] => => On a sunny afternoon last week, Miranda Felch was parked alongside => the coffee stand, waiting for her steaming beverage. [www.mindfully.org] -> -> If a 175-pound man fell into one end , he would come out the other -> end as 38 pounds of oil, 7 pounds of gas, and 7 pounds of -> minerals, as well as 123 pounds of sterilized water. [www.dailytargum.com] => => Many of the sandwiches are harmless, however it bears pointing out => that while there are Fat Dykes and Fat Bitches, there are no => sandwiches derogatory of men. [www.northjersey.com] -> -> The day I went, my first thoughts were of orange traffic cones -- -> an invasion of them. -> -> [they're reviewing Christo's "Gates" in Central Park.] [www.dailyiowan.com] => => Loki is played by Alan Cumming, who never bothers to create a => funny or threatening villain. Instead, he's perfected an even more => annoying Pee-wee Herman. => => [what, he's gotten better at that since "Spy Kids" and "Titus"?] [www.latimes.com] -> -> As befits these times, the strangest job in Hollywood now involves -> sitting in the back of a movie theater with a light-up pen and a -> clipboard, categorizing every curse, sexual act and moment of -> violence. It's like being the anti-Pee-wee Herman. [www.dfw.com] => => "Mark Cuban approved this deal because the owner now has only the => second worst haircut on the team." => => Tacky, but, on style points, the Cuban do will win out over Van => Horn's familiar Pee Wee Herman look. [worldnetdaily.com] -> -> In putting CBS behind him and jumping on board CNN, assuming the -> deck is still above water, Dan will be, as he might say, "As happy -> as Pee Wee Herman in a peepshow with a pocket full of quarters." [www.thepilot.com] => => Fitting the peg into the appropriate hole will presumably permit => someone with the cranial proportions of a Pee Wee Herman to wear => the same cap as an Oliver Hardy. [pittsburghlive.com] -> -> You can walk down the street and meet face to face with a tireless -> pantomime or turn the corner and see Pee Wee Herman shopping for shoes. [www.chicagotribune.com] => => O'Hare may scale his panic attacks and his entire performance => somewhere in the region of Robert Morse-turning-into-Pee-wee => Herman, but you're grateful for the laughs. [www.bradenton.com] -> -> You're back in an era before mad scientists unveiled muscle- -> sprouting drugs that could turn Pee Wee Herman into Hulk Hogan. [www.ediets.com] => => I've assisted clients in growing bigger chests, arms, legs etc. no => matter how much they thought their specific weak muscle group => resembled Pee Wee Herman. [www.cornellsun.com] -> -> These people have it hard enough, given the constant demands -> associated with replicating a man whose nose is falling off faster -> than Pee Wee Herman's pants at a midnight screening of 21 Hump Street. [www.richmond-news.com] => => The prostate is the Arnold Schwartznegger of the male reproductive => system. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:08:00 -0500 I wrote: > > > > As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts > > for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > You can do the same with the Beta "Google Alerts" service: > http://www.google.com/alerts/ Wow, Tim. You really added value on that one. Now future generations will no longer have to wonder whether Google's address is www.google.com or www.lumbermansexchange.com. > I use it to keep track of my current favourite Korean director, > Park Chan Wook, Please stop Googlestalking South Korean directors you're planning to kidnap so you can force them to make you a "Godzilla" knockoff the rubber monster suit from which will wind up in Forrest Ackerman's basement underneath some of the Feebles. > reviews of the movie Oldboy and the upcoming movie "Sympathy for Lady > Vengeance". Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and nobody likes spammers. > Thanks. For what, the Nobel Prize for bragging that you're the only guy on the Internet who knows where to find Google? Let us know when you find MapQuest, Fark, and alt.religion.kibology. We expect full progress reports on your quests, including details of every Dove bar you eat or song lyric you hear along the way. -- K. lumbermansexchange.com has gone to a happier place, but expertsexchange.com is still there. No word on whether Chewbacca has eaten anything lately. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:38:23 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of > > their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I > > mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat > > people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and > > nobody likes spammers. > > I haven't bought the uncut version of Ichi the Killer yet, please give me > more time. You chose to see the censored version? That's for _babies_! Watching "Ichi The Killer" with all the violence cut out is like watching that version of "Star Trek V" with all the stupidity cut out. Sure, you get it over with before you finish your first kernel of popcorn, but you miss that part where the movie happens. I bet you couldn't even handle "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", let alone anything creepy. Also, there's no cannibalism in "Ichi The Killer". "Ichi The Killer" is a highly sophisticated movie, a real think piece. Maybe you want a tawdry Hannibal Lecter movie, like "Titus". Who's the psycho who wrote _that_? > > -- K. > > > > lumbermansexchange.com > > has gone to a happier > > place, but > > expertsexchange.com > > is still there. No word > > on whether Chewbacca has > > eaten anything lately. > > > > Leaving this in to screw up your formatting. I'm gonna make you dinner. Come here and you'll get hooked on my shrimp tempura. -- K. I heard that dog meat tastes exactly like Vegemite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 08:39:45 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > I'm gonna make you dinner. Come here and you'll get hooked on my > > shrimp tempura. > > I heard that Shrimp Tempura ˆ la Kibologie is made with finger paint. No, it's made with metal skewers that don't go through the shrimp until after you eat them. It was a reference to the movie that Tim Chimpanskidoodily hasn't seen the uncut version of (which, ironically, features more shots of people being cut. Many of the cuts are in the famous shrimp tempura scene itself, a scene which is to Takashi Miike's body of work what the shot of the ape throwing the bone at the spaceship was to Kubrick's.) He has brought shame on himself and all his descendants and will never be admitted into the brotherhood of the Yakuza for admitting he saw the censored version. I bet Tim also has a version of "Rubber's Lover" which doesn't make any sense. The uncut nine-hour version has such a lucid plot compared to the slightly garbled ninety-minute one. Tim, I hear that, just for you, they're issuing a combination of "Red Room #1" and "Red Room #2" edited down to where both movies fit on one ViewMaster disc, telling the story entirely through a series of seven stereographic, smiling kaomoji. > BTW, Kibo, pleeeeeze keep giving us random quote posts. I like 'em. The > WebTV bozo ones were teh best, and you know WebTV is never going to run > out of bozos. Oh, you're in luck. I've been saving WebTV idiot scrawlings all along, storing them up for that special day when WebTV goes out of business and I can ruin that special day for everyone by flooding alt.religion.kibology with the very stupidest things WebTV people ever tried to type. -- K. Here's a sample. Some articles don't make sense, but this one doesn't even have enough Gestalt closure to be _shaped_ like communication: On October 8, 2001, "Dianalove fojohjmi Morris4 y uo n a" (dammad1@webtv.net) wrote in misc.emerg-services: > > maf if s g in are > 4 love and or m r e se py yuo s an t k > adn j onh mois love d p s yuo s en k ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 19:56:18 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to > > collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. > > Many of us, and by that I mean "at least me", are reading these. > If _nothing_ else, they give us strange and awesome insight into > the mind of the collatee, What, you wanted a non-strange insight? > and how it's unconsciously reflected in newspapers, magazines, blogs, > and media outlets all over this fair globe in English. When I set up my search list, I didn't know which keywords would turn up the most interesting results. It turns out that "fuck" (and its relatives) seldom finds interesting citations. It's the words which are used as pejoratives with only a vague relation to their intended meaning -- such as "sadist", "retarded", "wedgie", "orifice" -- which turn up poorly-written attempts at serious news. (All news stories contain some degree of editorializing, in terms of which adjectives get applied to indicate the writer approves or disapproves -- in other words, I could change "editorializing" to "propaganda" in this sentence and it would still mean the same thing, but convey a different opinion.) "Pee-wee Herman" turns out to be the most interesting search, because he's mentioned all over the place but _never_ by people who are actually talking about him. Sports articles are known for their awkward turns of phrase when people try to come up with ways to say "X won the game against Y" or "X is a better player than Y" and one of the writers' favorites these days seems to be "X makes Y look like Pee-wee Herman, who is known for being three feet tall and lost all those football games on his show" despite it being both a bizarre analogy and a reference that's twenty years past hip. In college papers, Pee-wee shows up in editorials where the writers can't decide whether they want to make a serious point or tell a joke they once heard, so you get "X is as happy as Pee-wee Herman jamming his dick in Jambi's mouth", although that's not a joke unless you're one of those morons who thinks fictional characters having sex is automatically funny. The searches for these various silly terms turn up an enormous number of college paper articles I'd otherwise never see. This is because most of the articles in real newspapers are about the same topics as articles in all the other real newspapers, while every college newspaper is about stuff that's only relevant to navel-gazers at that specific college. (Music reviews in college papers and alternative weeklies are where the swear words get used the most, while editorials in college papers are what get hits for "screw you" and "up the ass".) Words that are "comedy words" -- such as "nougat", "okra", and "spatula" -- turn up lots of boring stuff, but occasionally there's some undefinably silly quality about the sentence they're in. A few favorite things to rant about on a.r.k -- such as "orange cones" and "Trader Joe's" -- wind up being pretty worthless as searches for interesting stuff (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" and the other "Trader Joe's sells cheap sucky wine that people would like better if they priced it above three dollars." A few other searches are on my list just because they're for such weirdly-specific a.r.k-related tropes that the matching articles are bound to be written by weirdos, i.e. "Quorn", "Anson Williams", "Gene Rayburn". This article matches them all, so it should be preserved in a time capsule to keep future generations from reading it. -- K. What I find particularly amusing about the way "sadist" is sprinkled into sports articles and editorials is that it's used interchangeably with "masochist": "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a sadist to go watch them" and "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a masochist to go watch them" both show up, but the former is more common because "masochist" is a harder word to type. Hmm, I should search for "pedant" so I can see who's misusing it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 21:44:40 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million > > times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally > > build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" [...]) > > I was wondering about that. It seems like every time there's a > large enough vacancy around here (there are plenty of places going > out of business, but none of them large enough) everyone's all like > "HEY TRADER JOE'S! WE NEED ANOTHER TRADER JOE'S! THE NEAREST ONE > IS OVER A MILE AWAY! AND THE NEXT NEAREST ONE A MILE AND A HALF > AWAY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! WHY NOT ONE RIGHT BETWEEN THEM?" and > I don't really get that. I mean, they're okay and all, but can't > these people just buy a whole bunch of chunky aloe vera drink and > stock up? > > So it's not just here, huh? Sadly, no. Here's a comedy experiment you can do: Put on a Hawaiian shirt and walk around a while and see how many people beg you to build a Trader Joe's on their lawn. For best results, slick your hair back with aloe vera hand gel, and be very dainty. > > What I find particularly amusing about > > the way "sadist" is sprinkled into > > sports articles and editorials is that > > it's used interchangeably with "masochist": > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a sadist to go watch them" and > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a masochist to go watch them" > > both show up, but the former is more > > common because "masochist" is a harder > > word to type. > > The masochist enjoys having his hopes dashed when that team > loses. The sadist enjoys seeing that team get beaten. You know _nothing_ about sports. -- K. The sadist enjoys shopping at Trader Joe's. The masochist enjoys eating food from Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:45:30 -0500 The second half of tonight's batch. -- K. Did I slip in a bogus one I made up? [www.azcentral.com] -> -> And pickled herring is good for you, although you have to be -> careful that no one tries to slip some lutefisk on your plate. [www.willistonherald.com] => => Available will be everything from lutefisk, to meatballs, to steak => and barbecue chicken. Sounds like a surf and turf menu to me. [www.dallasnews.com] -> -> Masks are fashioned from screen frames covered with burlap and -> adorned with everything from fake teeth to belt buckles and -> buttons to okra. [www.sunherald.com] => => Okra can be slimy and sticky, but it's supposed to be that way. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> No current school district board members nor employees may sit on it. [rr.cube.ign.com] => => This game just make you feel frustration and even angry, I can see => that the designer think that everyone like try and error, screw you! => => [the game in question is "Metroid Prime".] [gr.bolt.com] -> -> This game is not a diamond in the rough -- it's a peanut in the -> toilet. -> -> [the game in question is "Star Trek: Shattered Universe".] [english.pravda.ru] => => About 0.3% of men are born with only one testicle. Doctors believe => that such a physical defect can cause only aesthetical discomfort, [rockymountainnews.com] -> -> "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass," Republican -> Bill Cadman told his Democratic colleague, Val Vigil, at Vigil's -> desk during the morning session. [www.comicbookresources.com] => => Adams described a Captain Marvel cover he did with the Captain => walking in the air over Park Avenue. In the background, a woman is => collapsing into a man. "She's collapsing because Captain Marvel => farted. I needed to tell a story." [toledoblade.com] -> -> Leatherman is a naturalist volunteer [...] [www.nbc-2.com] => => "Probably come in a few hundred feet, maybe 500 feet. Not a => dramatic thing in terms of damage, but it is something you'd => notice. You would not want to be in water when that happens," => Leatherman said. [www.vh1.com] -> -> I wanted to be a fire man when I grew up - and I wanted to be -> Fonzie from Happy Days. Why a fireman? The uniforms are hot and -> they got a courageous job. Red is like a super hero outfit. [www.detnews.com] => => There is no all-inclusive list of emergency medical conditions, => Hester says, but he gives a partial list: chest pain; sudden => numbness or the inability to speak or walk; difficulty breathing; => any persistent bleeding from an orifice or a wound; severe => abdominal pain; severe, sudden headache; suicidal or homicidal => feelings; head, neck or spinal cord injury; fracture; and => poisoning. [www.lincolnjournal.com] -> -> [editorial proposing new laws] -> -> The "Match Game" Law -- This law would make it illegal for couples -> to wear matching, airbrushed shirts that say things like "Gloria -> loves Will" and "Will loves Gloria." [www.wrestling-news.com] => => The brains behind the 'Lingerie Bowl' PPV during the Super Bowl => halftime and very pissed at the lack of what we call 'Candice => Coverage'. Candice Michelle who is now making the media rounds due => to her 'GoDaddy.com' commercial was part of the Lingerie bowl as => well. And many complaints are that the only things mentioned in => interviews, and on behalf of Candice is GoDaddy and WWE. => => If I were the people behind the Lingerie Bowl, I'd be a bit miffed => as well. The PPV concept was not a bad one, and some that saw it => actually found it entertaining. [www.statepress.com] -> -> BOO to the last week before spring break. A week of freedom is so -> close we can taste the Corona. But what should be a joyful -> countdown is instead many days of tapping our foot. We haven't -> been this teased or upset since the Lingerie Bowl. [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => [editorial by Agnes Fliff] => => Also, I came up with the idea of a talking baby shilling for => Quizno's. Except my baby had Tourette's syndrome. But whenever I => try to collect my royalties in free subs, the jerk manager at => Quizno's chases me down the street waving a sawed-off mop handle. => He's probably Francis Ford's nephew and will end up directing => Spiderman 3. Meanwhile, I can't even get financing for my next => project, The Webbed Feet of Anson Williams. [www.heralddemocrat.com] -> -> One of the first silicone items to become popular in the home -> kitchen was invented by a French company called Silpats. OK, every -> now and again the French come up with a good idea, so long as it -> doesn't require any real backbone. [www.stuff.co.nz] => => Another ram is ranked first in the SIL index over six traits => including worm resistance. [www.phillyburbs.com] -> -> "To wrestle with Trap and Sil in the room every day is a huge -> benefit," he said. [deseretnews.com] => => He was the last guy in Provo to go out on his own glory -- a long, => successful run of fast-breaking lightning-eaters donned in those => short wedgie-prone shorts. [www.2theadvocate.com] -> -> White Castle hosts Port Sulphur at 6:30 [...] [www.silive.com] => => As we get serious about commitment and life, we're less likely to => bond with the guy who skis freely down the side of the mountain; => instead, we seek the guy who dons safety gear. In other words, => Richie Cunningham of "Happy Days" gets the last laugh on Fonzie => any day. [psp.ign.com] -> -> To power users, however, that's a two quart toilet for a ten -> gallon turd -- we need more space here, people. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] => => Fun is hard to find around here. It's more like teddy bear turds => than anything. => => [...] => => I certainly hope you had your bread today, and as a resident of => Irvine, consider yourself lucky. Who knows, a teddy bear might => drop a turd or two in your path. [www.seacoastonline.com] -> -> A man sitting next to my mom, who owns a French bulldog, said -> "That'sa Frenchie fart. Anyone who has Frenchies knows that'sa -> Frenchie fart.". [www.sfgate.com] => => Once in 2004, a piece of carry-on luggage containing a chain saw => was missed by the X-ray machine at the checkpoint, Bencomo said. [www.theprofileonline.com] -> -> American Barbie is a woman of many talents from ballerina to -> doctor to astronaut, but dominatrix Barbie she is not. [www.tampabays10.com] => => "Joe, you gotta ball there?...you gotta a ball?...he has no balls... => we're off to a great start...I presume you have tees...no tees." [www.winchestersun.com] -> -> "Each child brings their own Pandora's box. We have to sit on that -> box until children can sit on it for themselves." [www.uruknet.info] => => The most effective way to do this is through sensationalism which => is basically a disguised form of sadomasochism. [www.mcot.org] -> -> The police said the Swedish national might suffer from a mentally -> sexual problem, known as sadism. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Is it fair to ask these young people to sing after they've been => told by Ryan ``Sadist'' Seacrest that their journey to fame is over. [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> "Ah, some ghosts are sadists. Others want to take revenge on their -> tormentors. Others do it simply for fun," says Chandrahas Singh. [www.expresspharmapulse.com] => => [...] and an orifice (0.4 mm) created mechanically or with laser beam. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> In other words, at this point in cultural history, the film -> industry is basically the Gimp to the Academy's Zed. [www.mg.co.za] => => Bafana Bafana have world-class flair and vibrancy: That's great, => because they sure don't have any ability. Unfortunately there => isn't a World Cup of sideways skipping, slapping knees and hopping => over orange cones for us to win, [...] [www.hoopsworld.com] -> -> [...] Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, and Rasho control so -> much of the Spurs' pie chart the next few years that a reserve -> like Malik has had a wedge-shaped spatula shoved underneath his -> tail for the last year and a half. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => Whereas an artist might approach the subject by, say, writing a => love song, the scientists in Hammond's book prefer to give people => plastic turds (to investigate the emotion of disgust) [...] [www.banderabulletin.com] -> -> The Chinese were cutting and storing pond ice more than 2,800 -> years before George Hammond began shipping beef from his Chicago -> meat packing plant to Boston in refrigerated railroad cars in the -> late 1860's. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Like the atrocious metal band that has a sound not unlike the => popping and sizzling one hears when microwaving a turd. [silverchips.mbhs.edu] -> -> Junior Prince Okra says he doesn't stand "because I don't feel -> like it." [www.chroniclejournal.com] => => Hammarskjold entered the game with only two available reserves, => Anson Williams and Ahmed Isse. [www.sportsfanmagazine.com] -> -> If all this outstanding talent was participating in the NCAA -> tourney, my head would explode. [www.masslive.com] => => Mothers with children screaming so loud that I feared the glass => would shatter and that my head would explode came and were always => a joy. [www.gameshout.com] -> -> Are you a girlfriend, tomboy, vixen, maverick, or genius? Whatever -> type of girl you are "Ms. Match" will fit your individual style. [thedaily.washington.edu] => => "[...] The glass cut up my ass and someone had to come and bandage => my butt because I was too drunk to do it myself." [www.infoshop.org] -> -> I represent the treatment of prostitutes at the hands of feminists -> in my show by using three inflatable dolls. When a man is fucking -> an inflatable doll, he knows he's not fucking a real woman. When -> these feminists talk about us, they really see and perceive us as -> these inflatable dolls. I find that they, the feminists, are the -> ones who are objectifying us. [www.cornellsun.com] => => I bet you thought that a spatula was essential to pancake-making. [www.southeasttexaslive.com] -> -> During testimony, Martin admitted to cursing during the school -> board meeting. During what has been described as a rant, she said -> to Wheeler, "I'm going to stomp a mud hole in your ass." [www.magicvalley.com] => => But I am incapable at the cellular level of spending that kind of => money on a bleeping vacuum cleaner. My head would explode if I tried. [www.smh.com.au] -> -> "I just have this appalling feeling about you mate, they tell me -> you're a Kangaroo. I'm a Wallaby. But mate, no Wallaby would ever -> act like the manner you have, you little turd. Thanks, bye. -> (Clapping and laughter)." [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => Fold gently into nougat batter. [www.thepostandmail.com] -> -> Fueled with a determined spirit and a passion for running, Dallas -> Leatherman, of Columbia City, is on a different kind of mission -> with his next race. [www.denverpost.com] => => "It's an embarrassment," said Jefferson County businessman Greg => Stevinson, who readied a recall effort. "It was like a bowl of => chili that just kept coming back again and again." [web.morons.org] -> -> All Lutheran Church congregation presidents are not serial -> killers. Christians in general are not necessarily violent -> sadists. [www.nzherald.co.nz] => => The institute is the parent company which established the wananga => and some senior staff also sit on it. [www.asahi.com] -> -> But okra? I think this is still an exotic food, and I am not sure -> if it will ever become as popular as edamame. [www.tallahassee.com] => => If, as the article stated, he told investigators he gave the => employee a "wedgie" as a joke, his termination was proper. [www.computerandvideogames.com] -> -> [...] MC3's definitely trying to move away from the tacky boy -> racer culture of pointlessly polishing four-wheeled turds, [...] [ask.slashdot.org] => => The amount of different kind of Leathermen there are out there are => ridiculous, and I'm sure you can find a high quality one for a => decent price. [www.theatlantic.com] -> -> But when the model was complete, it became clear that from an -> airplane or an adjacent peak the hotel would look like a giant "H" -> branded on the landscape, an uncomfortable reminder of the -> mountain's most infamous former resident. [www.vcrisis.com] => => Because I am tired of those that think that I am confused, dizzy, => cheated. Because if I am in the opposition it is because I have => some sort of gas stuck in my brain. That I am dumb if I can't say => why I believe in "Si". Because it is a brainy and emotional "Si". [www.mininggazette.com] -> -> FELCH -- Putting the ball through the hole became a difficult task -> for the Baraga Vikings Monday night in a Class D district -> basketball tournament opener. [moparmusclemagazine.com] => => Here is a close up of the brass bb that's used to seal the vacuum => orifice that's exposed after choke assembly removal. [www.canoe.ca] -> -> [...] Batman was just an ordinary guy in good shape while Superman -> could, like, bend steel and melt polar caps with his heat vision -> and make time run backwards. Talk about wearing the pants in a -> relationship. [www.motherjones.com] => => Or, tougher still, when you live in the shack with all the dogs => and try to teach your kids not to treat animals like the little => sadists up in the prefab house. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> But relax your idea of what constitutes sadomasochistic -> tendencies. If you include not just getting whipped by a -> leather-clad dominatrix while attempting auto-asphyxiation, but -> also giving your partner a little hickey during a make-out -> session, this campus is just crawling with sadistic heathens. Kind -> of comforting, actually. [www.suntimes.com] => => LAKELAND, Fla. -- You expect to see zipper marks, criss-crossing => scars, canyon-sized gashes, a creaky brace. You expect to see a => gimp, hobbling, limping and straining. You expect to see a ravaged => left knee under Magglio Ordonez's pants leg because that is what => Dr. Ken Williams suggested just a few months ago, when the White => Sox were waging a medical smear campaign against their departing => star's meniscus. [www.phoenixnewtimes.com] -> -> It's probably been terribly tough getting ahold of your artist -> friends lately. Don't worry, that monolithic mixed-media piece of -> theirs hasn't toppled over and pinned them helplessly. [coh.warcry.com] => => And where popularity treads, so treads the griefers. [www.journalnow.com] -> -> [...] concealed in everything from hollow lumber and concrete -> fence posts to chlorine cylinders, frozen broccoli and okra. [www.zwire.com] => => Enroute home Dan visited his friends Burt and Barbara Andersh and => girls of Watertown. Stanley and Arlene Boe enjoyed a lutefisk => supper at Groton. [psp.ign.com] -> -> Sure, there have been nice 2.5D versions on GBA, and there was the -> 3D N-Gage port a bit back that did about as much justice to the -> skating series as a cell phone can, but seriously -- this is a -> PS2/Xbox/GameCube game, and you're playing it on a game system -> that has probably been farted on in your back pocket. [context.themoscowtimes.com] => => [...] one scene set in a tavern highlights a marvelously => disjointed solo by the prissy bureaucrat Kozelkov and the drunken => escapades of a pair called Fyodor Piva (Beer) and Ivan Shtopor => (Corkscrew), along with a female companion who bears the => provocative name -- in both Russian and English -- of Manka Fart. [citypaper.net] -> -> "If someone's wearing a beautiful dress, and they fart, you still -> smell it." [jam.canoe.ca] => => And every tuneless warble that comes out of that collagenically => enhanced orifice of hers grates on the brain like a vinegar-coated => thumbtack in a canker sore. => => [they mean Jennifer Lopez.] [education.guardian.co.uk] -> -> You will become one of 40,000 Gimps around the world and if you -> happen to be the Gimp that discovers a prime with more than 10m -> digits then you can claim a reward of $100,000 from the Electronic -> Frontier Foundation. [www.voanews.com] => => Mr. Hildebrandt picks up a complex geometrical model called a => dodecahedron made of 42 Zome parts. "It's a shape kids can build," => he says, "but which has the added attraction of modeling what some => theorists say may be the actual shape of the universe." [www.dallasvoice.com] -> -> The 1964 marriage of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine is one of -> the weirdest in Hollywood history. It only lasted 38 days. Merman -> reportedly said the knot began to unravel because Borgnine -> subjected her to "Dutch ovens" -- that's when Borgnine would fart -> in bed while trapping her under the sheets. [apnews.excite.com] => => "I don't think anybody should be messing with the eyeball," => Democratic Rep. Kevin Joyce said Friday. [sbindependent.org] -> -> Artificial fat substitutes such as Olestra(TM) and others like it -> give people explosive diarrhea. Artificial sweeteners cause cancer -> in Martians. [www.santacruzsentinel.com] => => "Everything indicates high speed," said CHP officer Steve Griefer. [www.law.com] -> -> Pratter found that Parsons was overruled the same year it was -> handed down by the U.S. Supreme Court's seminal decision in -> Leatherman v. Tarrant County [...] [news-register.net] => => Once the ABCDE assessment is completed, patients are further => evaluated and prepared for treatment with what Burkland called => "tubes and fingers in every orifice,'' [...] [www.philly.com] -> -> They'd been using "Mr. Worm" (a piece of rubber sold under the -> adult name Edgie Wedgie) to hold ski tips together, an aid in -> pizza-making. [www.syracuse.com] => => Who doesn't smile along with a guy who can tell the world about => the time his older brother gave him a wedgie so tight his arms => were jammed immovable by the leg holes of his tighty whities? => => For everybody, there were the dozen songs performed with energy, => enthusiasm and quite a striking voice. [www.baxterbulletin.com] -> -> Our own Linda Masters could outdo Martha Stewart with a spatula -> tied behind her back. [entertainment.iafrica.com] => => In the words of Murdoc, the bass player and brains of the outfit: => "True talent should be food for the soul, not turds for the mind." [www.smh.com.au] -> -> David Hurley created an immortal quote in response to questions -> about a particular political embarrassment: "We're eating a turd -> sandwich on this one and we're gonna have to say it's yummy." [www.chattanoogan.com] => => We have seen it done for many many decades. And it has gotten => worse in the last two decades. That's right... School Bullies. => Those infamous Gangsters of schooltime fan fare. => => In the 50's it was cool from what I understand. Fonzie would be => considered a Bully in his time. But those cool days have been way => over for at least two decades if not more. [www.thetriangle.org] -> -> I was expecting something that was, basically, caveman-esque: -> perhaps I'd pop it into my player and a gutteral voice would grunt -> out "me am a DVD!" [www.usatoday.com] => => Criticism and rejection come with the show-business territory, but => out-and-out sadism should be out of bounds. [www.joystiq.com] -> -> If you have high hopes for it, you're a masochist. If you're -> pumping up your little brother to get psyched about it, you're a -> sadist. -> -> [they mean the "Doom" movie.] [onlineathens.com] => => The Sadistic Morons would make a heck of a name for a rock band. [www.signonsandiego.com] -> -> Sadism is a natural-born part of reality series -- not that -> there's anything wrong with that. [www.washingtonpost.com] => => At other times there was a warmer effect, particularly in the => dancing of Alexandra Ansanelli, so petite and tender, and such a => technical dominatrix. [www.cornellsun.com] -> -> As the show ended, the words "explosive diarrhea" took on new -> meaning in attendees' minds [...] [www.nme.com] => => [...] singer Blaine thwacks colanders and hubcaps, while his Andy => Warhol-a-like father Henry uses opener OEZoo Time' as an excuse => for future-fucking synth noises. [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> "I can't shoot in a lesser format," said Cameron, who is filming -> the science-fiction adventure "Battle Angel," in 3-D. "I believe -> that 3-D is absolutely the future. ... They'll have to pry my -> glasses out of my cold, dead fingers." [www.cornellsun.com] => => She's one of those people where all her friends and family tell => her that she's good at singing, but she sounds like a farting => grandpa. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> During one of the demonstrations outside the Bolshoi, the members -> of Moving Together ripped apart copies of Blue Lard and threw them -> into a huge mock toilet bowl, while demanding the country return -> to traditional moral values. [www.darkhorizons.com, interview with Woody Allen] => => "[...] I've always been a passive comedian, in the mould of Bob => Hope or something that's victimized. [...]" [www.thedailystar.com] -> -> Baby Bob is a girl. -> -> [...] -> -> Baby Bob is portrayed by L'Wren Scoggins, who will turn 1 in -> April, said her great-grandmother, Jane Sherman. This is L'Wren's -> first acting job, and she seems to be successful, as people have -> expressed shock when the baby's gender is revealed. [www.ekatherimini.com] => => The worst episode ever recorded was the Spanish flu pandemic which => killed up to an estimated 60 million people between 1918 and 1919. [www.msnbc.msn.com] -> -> Once inside, lab workers simulated cutting off the supply of oil -> to a turbine generating electricity and destroying the equipment. -> -> Describing his reaction to the demonstration, Wood said: "I wished -> I'd had a diaper on." [www.gawker.com] => => Vodianova was the face of Calvin Klein's felching-inspired Fall => 2004 campaign (which means she signed with the designer almost 2 => years ago), [...] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Earth's 1st AirConditioner; coolant of IceDust + ozone replenishment Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 03:52:30 -0500 In sci.chem, sci.physics, and sci.environment, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@iw.net) wrote: > > I seem to be getting to a final position on this Earth AirConditioner. > Slowly and gradually but surely I should be able to think my way. I am > designing the first AirConditioner to control climate and weather and > GlobalWarming. I have spent several years on this, do not recall exactly > how many and too lazy to look up my first posts on this subject. Gee, Archie. If even you -- THE KING OF SCIENCE! -- can't bother reading your musings, what makes you think the rest of us ever do? I'm not going to bother reading the rest of this. I'll assume it has something to do with candy. > If I recall I started with the idea of a constant train of drone planes > as a mirror reflector (which I am rather ashamed and embarrassed I had > proposed but that is how progress is made in that we wander through many > ideas in search of the great idea to solve the problem). Those huge wide > winged drones. Later thought of aluminum like foil (another > embarrassement but in such searches, brainstorming it is good to bring > forth as many ideas and as turned out in many historical cases that an > early embarrassing idea turns out to be the correct idea afterall). Then > it became a CFC variant that was benign and reflected sunlight. But I > recently realized that no chlorine molecule which all CFC are chlorine > based will do the job because they destroy ozone. Then it was microbes > in the upper atmosphere. Lately it has been diamond dust which now is > Ice Dust and ozone replenishment. No, you can't put a Mars Bar up there. It would melt, and probably stain your pants, unless you're not wearing pants, in which case the dentist would probably charge you for staining his chair. > I need some perspective though. The SpaceStation is about 400 km up. The > Troposphere is from 0 to about 20 km. Next is the Stratosphere from > about 20 km to approx 60 km. Next is the Mesosphere from about 60km to > 80 km. And finally is the Thermosphere from 80km to 140 km. The coldest > is the upper Mesosphere at about 160K and the second coldest is the > troposphere to stratosphere boundary of about 200K. There's more to the whole Mounds vs. Almond Joy taxonomy than you've considered. In addition to the fifty differences you mentioned, also, one of them has almonds. Someday maybe you'll figure out which one. > So can we dropp off a cargo of NxOy compounds, perhaps even nitric acid > HNO3 which maybe the most dense form of NxOy compounds since it is in > liquid form, in the stratosphere or troposphere. So can the Shuttle or > Rocket release a ozone replenishment on its way to the Space Station or > even just a visit to the stratosphere? Of course, _real_ M&Ms don't speak English. They speak Chocolang, which has 387 words for "sweet" but no words for "The apple is nature's toothbrush." > As for the Ice Dust, can the Space Station manufacture the dust and then > shuttle it into a lower orbit of somewhere between the upper Mesosphere > to that of 300 km orbit so that it misses the SpaceStation Orbit of > 400km. A range where the temperature is suitable for the Ice Dust to not > melt and where it reflects sunlight from reaching Earth. Chocolate-covered deep-fried pizza? You truly are a madman! Unless you leave out the cheese. In which case, I salute you, you magnificent bastard! You deserve the Nobel Prize For Snacktasticness! > I have not explored a microbe to be the AirConditioner coolant because I > fear that a microbe that makes the upper atmosphere its home poses more > of a danger in the long term should the critters multiply out of control > and start depriving life of sunlight on the ground. And I also fear that > as time goes on that a Microbe will come to live up there and love it up > there and we then are faced with how to get the microbe under control > for it will act as a AirConditioner only cool Earth to a low temperature > that we cannot tolerate. So I think that in the future, some Microbe > will appear and take over the job of AirConditioner but with the price > that we have to constantly destroy those microbes as they cool Earth too > much. No, Arch, don't try that -- your head isn't _really_ a Pez dispenser. Yes, it's easier to get twelve of the little things into your nose than it is to get them into the dispenser, but no, you shouldn't even bother trying to get them out again. Just go to the doctor and ask to have your nostrils glued shut so you won't try anything like that again. > I like a tandem solution of IceDust which reflects and of Ozone > replenishment which absorbs sunlight. A tandem solution is a better > insurance policy in case one becomes ineffective or in case one finds a > future breakthrough that increases its effectiveness and control. Things > of this magnitude of importance of controlling the weather on Earth > deserve tandem solutions so that the two compete in making the overall > system as effective as possible. Your theory fails to take into account that Red Juju Fish are made with _bad_ juju! > Archimedes Plutonium > www.iw.net/~a_plutonium > whole entire Universe is just one big atom where dots > of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies I'm hungry now too. Can I have some of your Necco Conversation Hearts before you draw pictures of plutonium atoms on them? -- K. I swear I'm not lying, I really didn't read this. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dodgy name for a band Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 08:03:25 -0500 [in regards to something other than this] Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > zusty sanspoof eelface (uh.zusty@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Also this makes me think just enough of that episode of Are You Being > > Served wherein Mr. Humphries during the end credits tries to use a > > hat-steamer device to reshape his face or something. It's just this > > side of appalling. > > Point of reference? On which side of appalling are you? I'm not sure it has just two sides. Appalling is shaped like what the topologists would call "a multiply-connected region", or what laymen call "a times-connected region." That's what you get if a Klein bottle is crushed flat by a rollercoaster travelling along the seedy side of a Moebius strip in the part of the science museum devoted to things which aren't science, such as math. All the scientists in the world always tell everyone to always drink all eight glasses of water every day, but science has yet to prove that they have to be any specific size. So if you don't like water, drink eight thimblefuls. That's science, except for the word "eight", which is just math, except when the number is spelled out with letters like that -- then it's just literature. -- K. The local science museum finally _really_ hid the manometer. I sentence David DeLaney to listen to Jim Henson singing about manometers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dodgy name for a band Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 20:09:33 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The local science museum finally _really_ hid the manometer. > > No problem - you've got an electric stud-finder, right? It wouldn't do me much good in that museum. Everyone there either looks like Niels Bohr or a young Harry Stinson or is Dean Kamen. I would being my geek detector, but I'm not sure it could handle the overload. > > I sentence David DeLaney to listen to Jim Henson singing > > about manometers. > > Been there done that several people at the store have the meme imbedded > in their branes firmly, including one two-year-old. So why didn't you say that back in the 3-D "Tetris" thread the first time I attempted to goad you into admitting you like any song the Muppets stole from Italian porno movies? To wit: [me, six days ago] As penance for your attempts to force me to adopt the nomenclature of some guy who stole his whole name from a yellow space on the "Monopoly" board, I sentence you to tile an infinite plane with monominos while listening to an eternal tape loop of Jim Henson singing about them. Was I testing you to find out whether you missed an article (and must therefore be sentenced to listen to me singing about Jim Henson singing about manometers, monominos, and monohydrazine) or were you testing me to see whether you could get me to make a "Salvage One" reference? -- K. And now, I'll sing the "T.V. Monopoly" theme song to clear the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Cannibalism in the news again, but this time it's silly Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 21:33:15 -0500 From Wireless Flash, a site which always carries news of this quality. [www.flashnews.com] -> -> Aliens Build 'Butcher Shop' In Los Angeles -> -> LONG BEACH, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- A southern California man -> has a beef with Los Angeles -- it's just become home to a large -> extraterrestrial butcher shop. -> -> E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson claims the site of the "butcher -> shop" is a giant starship he recently discovered in the hillside -> community of Mount Washington in northeast L.A. No no no. Giant alien spaceships always disguise themselves as blue phone booths. Unless they're evil, in which case they're usually a Doric column but can take on other shapes and in this one episode it was so cool because the Doctor's TARDIS materialized inside the Master's TARDIS at the same time as the Master's materialized inside the Doctor's and everything got all weeeeeird and then Atlantis sank and it was only the third time they destroyed Atlantis forever but the first two don't really count because they were before the show went to color and the BBC had to erase all the black and white videotapes because the first episode was filmed live while John F. Kennedy was being shot and it showed the Doctor on the grassy knoll and you could tell he was an alien because his head was two-dimensional and didn't match his body at all and also he looked kind of gay and they didn't have gay people in 1963 except in outer space. -> Although the starship can't be seen because it's in a slightly -> different dimension, Johnson says the aliens who man the craft are -> able to abduct hundreds of humans into the ship at will. What's a "slightly different dimension"? One where everything is the same except William Shatner's toupee has the seam on the other side? -> He claims harvested humans are then transported to "Negra," a star -> system one billion light years away where human flesh is -> considered a delicacy. That's a long way to go just to eat something that doesn't taste all that good. You'd think if they put all that effort into travelling a billion light years, when they got here they'd be more interested in our veal calves and White Castles. -> Even more shocking: Johnson says the E.T.s consider adrenaline to -> be a spice so they torture the humans before slaughtering them. Mmm, finger-adrenalickin' good! Morris The Cat says, "I'm going to stop being so endorphinicky!" And it's all served with sides of whipped potatoes, beaten eggs, and pulled pork! On the other hand, some wimps consider spice to be a torture. -> E.T. butcher shops are cropping up near every major city and -> Johnson considers their presence "a direct threat against all -> humanity." Never mind that, just tell us how fat he is. -> Still, there is hope. Johnson says if every human imagines a force -> field of energy around themselves, it can reduce the chance of -> being turned into "human cacciatore." So this planet is one billion light years away in the Galaxy's Little Italy? -- K. I wonder what sort of doctor this "Dr." Terry Johnson is -- perhaps an anal probologist? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cannibalism in the news again, but this time it's silly Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 09:41:52 -0500 tdwillis@earthlink.net wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > On the other hand, some wimps consider spice to be a torture. > > YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THAT KIBO!!! Make me. I challenge you to a duel. You may choose anything in my refrigerator as a weapon. (Except for the non-food items such as the empty rubber ice cube trays. Come to think of it, they wouldn't make very good weapons anyway, especially since they're from Ikea.) Ever noticed how much better cream of mushroom soup is when you stir in a bunch of habanero sauce? Mmm. Zingy fungus soup with a delightful pink color like evaporated milk but a much better rush! -- K. I can't get enough of those habanero-and-pork-flavored potato rings from Japan, the ones with the evil snarling pepper on the bag. I just wish they were spicier. I tried to eat some right after a bowl of chili, and they seemed like ice cream in comparison. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tasers around a school again... Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 22:40:45 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > ...but this time they're not zapping the pupils. You'll have to give me a better reason to read the article than that. > [www.guardian.co.uk] > -> > -> Fear stalks the streets of Sydenham after resident is attacked by > -> a black cat the size of a labrador I think a funny joke would be for a guy to show us a poodle and he'd say "This is my Labrador retriever," and then the poodle would run out of sight and a moment later he'd come back dragging the entire country of Labrador after him with his tiny widdle mouth. Labrador is a country, right? 'Cause otherwise that's not funny. > -> Man was calling to pet when 'panther' struck > -> > -> Patrick Barkham Poor Spot! He changed his name to Patrick Barkham, but whenever he barked, ham came out! He had to eat a thousand dollars' worth of ham every day just so he could go yap-yap-yap! > -> Wednesday March 23, 2005 > -> Guardian > -> > -> It has probably slunk off to a neighbouring suburb to become the > -> Penge Panther, the Catford Cheetah or the Beast of Beckenham by now. You have to watch out for Penge Panthers. They're tuxedo cats that crush you with giant ice cubes. Wait, those are Pengo Panthers. Never mind. > -> But residents of the blossom-filled streets of Sydenham were still > -> shaking last night as a father of three told how he had been > -> mauled by a black cat the size of a labrador. > -> > -> Police armed with Taser stun guns sealed off roads in south-east > -> London, BAD IDEA. If you were to hit a big cat with a Taser, it would result in one very angry cat. Tasers only work in cases where (a) the cops want an excuse to get out their riot batons after the guy goes berzerk when shocked, or (b) when the guy is already cuffed and they just want to tell him to shut up. Tasers are torture tools, not animal-capture devices. However, it's good that police sealed off the roads, because there's nothing scarier than a cat driving a car. Look out, Toonces! > -> school gates were locked and teachers warned pupils to keep away > -> from wooded areas after Tony Holder escaped with a cuff around > -> the face from the big cat. Either it's a very small big cat, or else those are big big handcuffs. Tony Holden must shop at Popeye's Pervert Emporium. > -> [...] > -> > -> Armed police arrived, sealed off the streets around Mr Holder's > -> home, loaded their stun guns with tranquillisers and searched for > -> it with flashlights. WAIT. WAITWAITWAIT. Were these pills or a liquid tranquilizer that was carried through the electrical wires from their Tasers? Tasers fire little darts attached to tiny wires. Regular stun guns don't fire anything. Both types operate by giving electrical shocks that make people scream and wet their pants. Anything that can fire a syringe filled with medication is not a stun gun, but is in fact, what we would call an actual gun, the sort that make holes in people. Or maybe he meant that, since this is post-1999 England, they have actual working "Space: 1999" stun guns, the kind that cover you with spastic crayon scribbles drawn all over the film. But those are only good for keeping Plastic Eyebrow Woman from turning into Guy In A Halloween Costume Monster. > -> The animal gave them the slip, but as tabloid reporters scoured > -> the streets in safari gear brandishing butterfly nets, Somehow, I imagine England always is and always has been filled with people with pith helmets, khaki shorts, and butterfly nets. > -> the Guardian picked up the scent of something big across the railway > -> line by Catling Close. > -> > -> Billy Rich, 44, was looking out of his window at 5.30am when he > -> saw a black creature leap across the road and bound south towards > -> Mayow Park. > -> > -> "I see a ... thing," he said. STOP STEALING DEFOREST KELLEY'S LINES! He has few enough of them in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" as is! > -> "What's he supposed to have seen?" asked his ex-wife. > -> > -> "The beast of Sydenham," your correspondent explained. > -> > -> "The only beast of Sydenham is him," she replied, prodding a > -> finger at Mr Rich. She divorced him because she preferred the Loch Ness Monster. (She likes it rough and wet.) > -> "On the news they said it was as big as a Doberman, but it > -> wasn't," insisted Mr Rich. "It was big and black and I thought, > -> fucking hell, what was that? > -> > -> "It definitely wasn't a pussy cat. It was too big. The way it > -> jumped, you could tell it wasn't a dog. It definitely wasn't a > -> fox, but it can't be a panther -- where would a panther come from > -> in Sydenham?" Depends -- was it pink? > -> The British Big Cat Society estimates there could be 100 big cats > -> roaming the land. OR ONE CAT... A HUNDRED MILES TALL!!! Sorry, Mr. Kelley. > -> [...] > -> > -> Danny Bamping, the founder of the society, warned that if the cat > -> was a melanistic leopard or a black panther, it could kill. "They > -> can be very, very dangerous," he said. "There have been incidents > -> in North America where joggers have been killed by these > -> creatures." "Do you like Bamping?" she asked seductively, trolling for a punchline. > -> A Scotland Yard spokesman confirmed that officers had visited > -> schools to warn them about the big cat. "A police officer who > -> attended the incident said he thought he saw what looked like a > -> black labrador," the spokesman said. > -> > -> One pupil at Sydenham high school for girls said the gates had > -> been locked at lunchtime and students had been told to stay away > -> from wooded areas and dark alleyways. > -> > -> She said they had also been instructed to make a loud noise > -> wherever they went to scare off the beast. Kids are too quiet these days. > -> Parents said they would be keeping their children indoors. "The > -> garden is secure but I wouldn't let my little boy Morgan go out > -> and play today," said Kelly Wood. > -> > -> "He's 19 months. I think he's quite an edible size." But is he fun size? If so, they'll also have to be sure he never suffocates in a plastic bag with fifty other kids. I won't steal DeForest Kelley's line. ("WHADDAYA SUGGEST WE DO WITH THIS CHILD, SPOCK, SPANK IT?") > -> Other people were sceptical. "I saw a little moggy lying in the > -> path but that's about it," said Kim Kimberley. "I can't see it -- > -> unless he's the one from Bodmin moor and he jumped on the train > -> and came up here." One should be aware that Americans never call a cat a "moggy" because that's one of those slang words that's so sissy that only British people can say it, like "fag" for a cigarette or "roundabout" for a traffic circle. (In Massachusetts, people call those "rotaries", but that's just so that Massachusetts can avoid deciding whether the state is straight or gay.) -- K. Taser plus cat is a recipe for an electrified clawstorm with Real Face-Shredding Action. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Six Hours And a Steak Dinner Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:26:42 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > My dock line shield rings have big sleeping cat images on them . > Rats think the plasic cat on the line is sleeping and wount run up the > line and jump over the rat ring . > The lattest rat rings have stun guns And so do the kkookkiest cock rings. > and when a rat gets near the ring he gets fried. The spoke ring stops > any rope running critter from taking home in a vent or running loose > around the ship. > At night in alaska a deer opened the fucking 1/4 d H and ran down the > fucking stairs . Did it pick the lock, or just turn the doorknob with its fingers? > It went strait to the galley and strait for the salad bar. Wow, on your imaginary boat, you have your own private salad bar? Now _that's_ a pathetic fantasy. Suddenly I don't feel so bad about wanting to invent a time machine so I can go to the 1950s to see Bob Hope get dropped on his head. Hey, are you Bob Hope? > It just grunted and snarleled at the cook and kept eating. > She called my ass down no drill. > I broke its neck toulk it out after it sstopped kicking ad skinned the > fucker . > His head is in the lounge by the fire place. > Next to the bear head . I had the samon first and it was a just > fight . besides I like te polor fur . I shot it once and it stood up > and looked me over. I beat my chest and it dove down and ran like a > horse at me. > I pulled up a 40/300 grain and let the sun shine threw it 4 times > and it flipped over and sat up hanging its head dead. So whenever you happen to shoot a hole in your imaginary boat, which comes out, imaginary water or imaginary candy? My money's on the Twizzlers. > The beer head at the bar is brain dead .. > he says " capum capitan ,,I I got a good reason fer beeing intox mm > intox,, drunk tonight ...Ive been drinkin all dayyy > chief ,,carry onnnn > > Whale of a tail but its all true I swear on my tato . Mr. Potato Head says you're making it up, and also, you need to get back to work cleaning his private salad bar. -- K. And take that rat ring off your penis! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Six Hours And a Steak Dinner Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 21:36:46 -0500 In sci.physics, apparently in response to something I wrote, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The hachtdoor is eye opend when in port and opens when you walk up to is > yadumbass ,,dont evryone have electric doors now ? So have you electrified the screen doors on your submarine? > Thats what you said about ' GIANT " the ice breaker I would never show > you till after I sold it. > Billionaire on an icebreaker called Giant . > 90 % of its contence you thought was imaginary then 5 years latter I > showed you the boat inside and out and years befor any image exsisted . > > 10 years latter you can go by a hand held portable spectometer. > > walk down a river taking images so you can find evry nuget but use > IR and a cam to see the gold and even se te placer as a shade . > > Your too stupid to be rich Ka BOOOOMMMM > biboooo Whoa, slow down, Mork. Your pet Beebo doesn't show up until the final season. Until then you'll just have to get by saying "Shazbot!" and "Nano-nano!" and acting gay and then maybe someday you'll give birth to Jonathan Winters and adopt a used wig sitting on a remote-control Radio Shack racecar and name it Beebo. But until then, you, sir, don't know Beebo. > My ROV came out of a box for 250 grand. > Thats a throw away ROV . If it gets fucked up it was cheep. > > Im shopping at sears today but the store is 100 feet below and all the > goods was made in 1898. > boath mast in this 200 x 30 foot wooden ship is still good. > 3 decks into the ship ...Im looking at the goods and I just saw the > midle deck is a showroom.. > Its a fucking mall put to float in lake erie ad it did a route as the > moble store. > Sears 2 still sells as a moble store great lakes > but this was the first mallship from sears. > You could buy the barn on that ship. > You can buy the house on that ship. > all te new brand fangled suff like "singer" > Buck . wipendale ,, WORST DISNEY CHIPMUNKS EVER! > 2 cylinder steamer side wheels and 2 sail mast. > corsits ,, sshoes ..hand drills evrything you nead in 1890 is on this > ship. > No one ever saw it till now. > I was the first to drive rov evrywhere inside. > the ship is not listed lost . > Its listed as broke its docklines and abandoned. > Its presence changed the deep river into a river wth a masive > sand bar. > As if in a short time river sediments surounded the store and it > became a sandbar 40 feet deep when it should be 65 feet deep. > Like a car would get buried if the snow went up river and down river in > a blizard. > amazing not much dirt got inside. > Its so well preserved and so complete > and so over loaded I want it all . > Even the toys from sears are mint. > gas lamps. > In a river in lake erie is a time capsil like no other. An entire > SEARS store 1898. > even a tractor. 2 cars , 1 barn 1 house > and evrything sears made. Uh huh. Your WebTV's ship not only has a salad bar, it has a whole Sears from 1898. I've got news for you, mister. Sears didn't sell WebTVs back in 1898, and even to this day, Sears doesn't have salad bars. That oily drum you've been eating out of in your local Sears's automotive department isn't really a salad bar. Also it's not really a Sears automotive department. More of a vacant lot. But still, I admire your intentions. -- K. It's amazing that you can fit an entire imaginary Sears in that WebTV. Assuming you really do have a WebTV and aren't just pretending you're cool enough to have gotten one for your twelfth birthday last year. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: yellow pair red grape yellow pair red grape yellow pair red grape! Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 09:02:38 -0500 This is a piece of spam I just received. The semi-randomly-generated text used to fill up the space after the site name (attempting to scam people out of their money by promising bootleg Viagra, as usual) has a poetic surrealism to it, and should become the basis of many catchy tunes by Interrobang Cartel. Also note the curious "X-Orcpt:" header. I think Gary Gygax awards you an ex-orc-point whenever an orc smashes your stupid little dice. -> X-Orcpt: rfc608;zmailer-log -> Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 05:56:41 -0400 -> From: "Milton" (PetersoncalefactorY6gPf@bonbon.net) -> Subject: Pending Recurring Payment -> -> Good day to you, -> -> Delivered right to you, no need to leave the house. -> DHL Package tracking -> Prompt, courteous service -> -> http://goodwasbetteris.info -> -> Thank you, -> Rolland Schulz -> -> -> -> yellow pair red grape -> Don't you regret eating about once a week?. Lawrence had already -> liked dancing.. -> Do those plumbers always remember jumping?. Those janitors aren't -> missing sleeping right now.. "The Jumping Plumbers" is the best of the twelve new band names suggested by that, though "The Yellow Pair" has a pun in it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ghostwrite "Yellow Pair Red Grape" for Dr. Seuss. It's going to be in anapestic tetrameter except instead of rhyming it's going to have phishing. -- K. I'm not even in the market for _real_ Viagra, let alone the fake stuff which probably wouldn't even arrive after they stole my credit card number and printed it on the back of every "Baby Geniuses 2" box in Malaysia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 09:28:26 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > [www.theaustralian.news.com.au] > -> > -> HEARD of sphincter bleaching? > > God, no. I think they meant to say "sphincter belching", as in "brown cloud of doom". > -> Beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax. So what comes next? Having your appendix bleached? > -> "In the last couple of months I've had a lot of requests, so I've > -> started some experiments," says Sydney beautician Anna > -> Marsiano from The Bees' Knees salon. > > Bees, eh? Also, what kind of experiments, one wonders? > > RESULTS FOR SPHINCTER BLEACHING EXPERIMENT: > > BATTERY ACID? NO > HOUSEHOLD BLEACH? NO > HAIR BLEACH? MAYBE > GUMMI BEARS? NO!!!! Are you saying that gummi bears shouldn't put bees up their butts, or bees shouldn't put gummi bears up their butts? I need to know by tomorrow. > -> "I've got one client who's a divorced woman with a couple of kids. > -> She was looking at a Playboy magazine with her new boyfriend and > -> he was making some comments about how clean and light the women > -> looked. My client started to get a little paranoid." > > And so she got her arse bleached. But gosh, wouldn't that give you > serious skin problems, such as eczema? Amazingly, the answer is yes! I would have loved to have overheard their conversation. "Hey, honey, come here and help me read this pornography designed to chip away at your self-image. How come your waist hasn't been made smaller with Adobe Photoshop like these women I'm going to fantasize about the next time we have sex? Honey, you're not concentrating. Please stay focused on helping me read my porn!" > -> She acknowledges that her long-term clients (many of whom come > -> in for treatments every six weeks) suffer serious skin problems. > -> "I explain that it will give them eczema and so on, but they want > -> it anyway," she says. > > This makes me inclined to write off these glamour-seekers as witless > victims! But it's a small price to pay for having your sphincter bleached. Why use toilet paper when you can just bleach away unsightly stains? You can walk around all day with your butt covered in new Flesh-Tone Dingleberries! > -> Critics should not be so quick to write off glamour-seekers as witless > -> victims. Beauty is currency, with studies showing that spunks of both > -> sexes do better in jobs, schools, relationships and the courts. > -> Devoting time and resources to keeping yourself nice could therefore > -> be viewed as a worthwhile investment. > > "You're fired!" > "But Mr Trump, observe as I drop my trousers and bend over!" > "Great Scott! I have never seen such arse whiteness. You're hired > again." > > Still, I guess it's easy to mock these people (which is precisely why > I'm doing it), so perhaps we should let Rosanna Capolingua, chairwoman > of the Australian Medical Association's ethics committee, have the > last word: > > -> The chairwoman of the Australian Medical Association's ethics committee, > -> Rosanna Capolingua, says the use of harsh bleaching substances could > -> cause anal burning and scarring. This, in turn, could lead to anal > -> incontinence or an inability to pass stools at all. > > Hooray! But an inability to pass stools at all could lead to gridlock whenever anyone leaves a bar seat in the middle of the road and -- no, wait, I meant that an inability to pass stools at all could lead to idiots exploding. And we'd hate that if we were idiots, except that we'd be too stupid to know about that, so we'd just keep squirting Toilet Duck up our dainty white asses. "Gee, honey, you're sure ugly compared to those sexy supermodels who get paid to strip in Playboy, but I can overlook that because your sphincter is pinker. And because of that, anal sex is no longer gross!" -- K. So that's what a white hankie means. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 03:01:16 -0500 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > -> HEARD of sphincter bleaching? > -> > -> Beauticians are billing it as the new Brazilian wax. > > With all due respect, I would not trust a beautician with quasi-surgical > cosmetic procedures. What I'd do is to apply silicone caulk to the anal > orifice (scrape off the excess with a trowel), wait 48 hours, sand, and > apply flesh-colored paint. Then you take your black velvet colostomy > bag -- now see, I can tell you're getting ready to wince, but there's no > need for septic unpleasantness if you previously installed the high- > pressure furnace up your rectum so you shit marbles. Wouldn't it be easier just to eat some whole hot peppers? > An extra benefit for men who try this procedure is that it makes it > physically impossible to turn gay. Where is this planet you live on, where they only have "catchers"? And can I have the planet's phone number? And were I to be pedantic, I would point out that "gay" does not equal "butt sex" -- not all gay guys do it, in the same way that not all straight guys do it. In fact, I think the proportion is about the same. But fortunately, I'm never pedantic, except I am very pedantic about how non-pedantic I am. => Years ago, I knew a very overly macho-acting guy who lived in => a house with a bunch of other guys. ÊHe was in his room one day, => and his roommates were all sitting in the living room chatting => about whatnot, and the (amused, somewhat disgusting) conversation => had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with him. ÊSuddenly, in a furious => outburst, the very overly macho-acting guy ripped open the door => to his room, stomped into the living room and shouted "OKAY! => MAYBE I *DO* FINGER MY BUTTHOLE WHEN I JERK OFF. ÊTHAT DOESN'T => MEAN I'M *GAY*!!!!!" -- M. Otis Beard (September 1997) -- K. Black velvet? Who are you, Colon-Free Elvis? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 16:00:49 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote > > > > And were I to be pedantic, I would point out that "gay" does not equal > > "butt sex" -- not all gay guys do it, in the same way that not all > > straight guys do it. In fact, I think the proportion is about the same. > > I don't want to know why you think that. That's why I'm telling you. Dude, go into any porno store and see whether there are more butt toys in the men's section or the women's section. Since women obviously enjoy butt sex more than men do, and we know from porn that their boyfriends enjoy women who enjoy butt sex, that means that _everyone_ loves butt sex except for the people who don't. Gay guys got _lots_ of different things they can do to express intimacy. So do straight couples. Being gay doesn't require one to participate in any particular sexual position any more than being straight requires you to perform cunnilingus (unless you're married to her.) > > But fortunately, I'm never pedantic, except I am very pedantic about > > how non-pedantic I am. > > It is impossible to have *all* things in moderation because > moderation is a thing. I agree, Dr. McCoy, V'Ger would be the perfect moderator for sci.physics.moderated. Discuss. -- K. ALL CARBON UNITS WILL BE REDUCED TO DATA PATTERNS OR IN THE CASE OF SCI.PHYSICS REDUCED TO BLATHER PATTERNS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 16:32:31 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dude, go into any porno store and see whether there are more butt toys > > in the men's section or the women's section. > > Why would I want to do that? Because we can tell from here that you're not only lonely, you don't even have enough porn to be normal? YOU MUST GET PORN. It's the American way! (Cue waving 48-star flag with Popeye's face on it. His corncob pipe shoots fireworks that spell out "BUY PORN!") -- K. If you like the Muppets, look for the "Gonzo" section. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The only worthwhile art is art that's where it shouldn't be. Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 20:53:24 -0500 [cnn.com] -> -> Man smuggles own art into MoMA -> -> NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Many a visitor to New York's Museum of -> Modern Art has probably thought, "I could do that." You know, I _could_ make money overcharging for bad cafeteria food... -> A British graffiti artist who goes by the name "Banksy" went one -> step further, by smuggling in his own picture of a soup can and -> hanging it on a wall, where it stayed for more than three days -> earlier this month before anybody noticed. Prank-tacular! I think I'm in love, even if he's British. -> The prank was part of a coordinated plan to infiltrate four of -> New York's top museums on a single day. -> -> The largest piece, which he smuggled into the Brooklyn Museum, was -> a 2 foot by 1.5 foot (61cm by 46 cm) oil painting of a -> colonial-era admiral, to which the artist had added a can of spray -> paint in his hand and anti-war graffiti in the background. -> -> The other two targets were the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the -> American Museum of Natural History, where he hung a glass-encased -> beetle with fighter jet wings and missiles attached to its body -- -> another comment on war, Banksy told Reuters on Thursday. -> -> "It was just an outsider's view of the modern American bug, -> bristling with listening devices and military hardware," he said. But inside a bug, it's too dark to read. -> An art Web site called woostercollective.com has posted pictures -> of the artist -- wearing an Inspector Clouseau-style overcoat, a -> hat and a fake beard and nose -- hanging up his work at the four -> museums and describing how he did it. He made the front page of the New York Times too, right below "INDIA ALTERS LAW ON DRUG PATENTS" and the price barcode. Hey, maybe the Indian parliament didn't actually alter the law on drug patents -- maybe some guy just snuck a new law into the stack of real ones. Mr. Banksy, sir, I humbly suggest that your next work of art should involve sneaking an amendment into the United States Constitution giving me all the candy in the world. -> Speaking by telephone from an undisclosed location in Britain, -> Banksy said he conducted all four operations on March 13, helped -> by accomplices who filmed him and provided distractions where -> necessary. -> -> "They staged a gay tiff (lovers' quarrel), shouting very loudly -> and obnoxiously," said the artist, declining to give his real name -> or any personal details beyond his occupation as a professional -> painter and decorator. Reuters, the news service for people who don't know what the words "gay" or "tiff" mean. By the way, Banksy, I'm available, and I promise I will never have an _unscripted_ gay tiff with you, as long as you get that amendment into the Constitution for me. -> It is not the first time he has staged such stunts. -> -> Last year he smuggled work into the Louvre in Paris and London's -> Tate, attracting attention in the British media. -> -> "My sister inspired me to do it. She was throwing away loads of my -> pictures one day and I asked her why. She said 'It's not like -> they're going to be hanging in the Louvre."' -> -> He took that as a challenge. "I thought why wait until I'm dead," -> he said. Museums normally have a rule that they can't put you on their wall until ten years after your death, unless you were President. -> His preferred creative outlet, graffiti on trains, was growing -> more difficult due to greater security so he decided to branch out -> into infiltrating museums. "I tend to gravitate to places with -> less sophisticated security systems," he said. He should go after the Boston subway system. Worst that could happen is one of the cops might tell him "If I see you doing that again, I might take away your spray paint!" -> Officials at the Natural History Museum declined to comment on -> security. Museum of Modern Art officials said only that the -> offending picture was taken down on March 17. -> -> It was unclear what gave the game away but Banksy's version of -> Andy Warhol's iconic images of Campbell's Soup Cans showed a can -> of Tesco value tomato soup, a discounted brand sold by a British -> supermarket chain. ...as opposed to regular Campbell's, which is the world's highest-quality food product, except for the fact that it's basically yellow salt water with one tiny piece of rubberized pigeon cartilage in every can. (And that's just their tomato soup.) -> "Obviously they've got their eye a lot more on things leaving than -> things going in which works in my favor," Banksy said. "I imagine -> they'll be doing stricter bag checks now." New idea: Go in wearing a temporary tattoo. Peel it off. Put it on Whistler's Mother's ass. Retitle the painting "Whistler's Mother's Ass's Butterfly Of Love". -> He said the painting in the Metropolitan Museum, a small portrait -> of a woman wearing a gas mask, had been discovered after one day, -> while the others stayed up for several days. The paintings were -> fixed to the wall with extra-strong glue. In my mind, gas mask plus Krazy Glue equals fine art no matter where you combine the two. Like, you could glue a gas mask to Andy Rooney's face and that would be art. Or you could glue Andy Rooney to a gas mask and that would be art. Or you could glue Andy Rooney to a toilet while you're wearing a gas mask and that would definitely be art. -> Asked how he managed to escape notice while putting them up on a -> busy Sunday at the museums, he said: "They do get pretty full, but -> not if you put the pictures in the boring bits." I make this solemn promise to alt.religion.kibology: Next time I'm in an art museum, I will Krazy Glue a picture of Andy Rooney above one of the toilets. I don't think they'd let me wear a gas mask, though, no matter how badly you need them in stinky museum restrooms. (Degas gives nerds de gas.) -- K. Are staged gay tiffs inherently more distracting than staged straight tiffs? If so, is that good or bad? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Netspeak vs. Ebonics vs. Kibonics vs. The Robonic Stooges Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 15:38:53 -0500 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> `Netspeak' doing more good than harm to English language, experts say -> -> Mon Mar 21, 4:45 PM ET -> -> By Robert S. Boyd, Knight Ridder Newspapers -> -> WASHINGTON -- Many schoolteachers, editors and parents profess -> to be horrified by "Netspeak" -- No, that was "Newspeak". Newspeak was both ungood and ununungood. Netspeak is just something that doesn't have a word for "Netspeak". Seriously, if the word "Netspeak" existed, I think I would have heard it pretty often. I've had my ear pressed to the Internet for a while. And wow does it sting. -> the distinctive language that young people are using more and -> more to talk with each other on the Internet. Yeah, these kids today could be plotting revolution against the old people, using their secret language. It's like Ubbidub with Uzis. I bet they're sending secret messages to other teen terrorist cells with their baggy pants and backwards baseball caps. No adult has ever cracked the code of the deep inner philosophy of the backwards baseball cap! -> Purists should relax, a panel of experts declared at a recent -> symposium on "Language on the Internet" in Washington. This -> rapidly spreading digital dialect of English is doing more good -> than harm, they contended. No dialect of English does either. It's just a hammer. And hammers don't do good or evil, unless you think that Pink Floyd movie was real, in which case you're too stupid to even be listening to Pink Floyd, let alone the super-scientific Laser Floyd at the Museum Of Science. -> "The Internet is fostering new kinds of creativity through -> language," said David Crystal, a historian of language at the -> University of Wales in the United Kingdom. "It's the beginning of -> a new stage in the evolution of the written language LOOK OUT! HERE COMES GIANT SPECTRAL KEIR DULLEA FETUS SMILEY FLYING THROUGH SPACE INSIDE A MONOSPACED AMNIOTIC SACK SMILEY!!! ___ _______________________________ //Oo\ / Hey, monkeyboy, stop throwing \ |\_-| ---==< your junk at me! ) \__// \_______________________________/ -> and a new motivation for child and adult literacy." I spent three hours drawing that. As a result, a million children suddenly learned to read. -> Netspeak is the language of computerized instant messages, Web -> logs (or "blogs"), chat rooms and other informal types of -> electronic communication. It also pops up in wireless jottings on -> hand-held devices such as BlackBerries and cell phones. Sure, that's the language of "computerized instant messages", but what's the the language of computerized dating? It must be something where "money" equals "disappointment"... -> Some examples are "cu" for "see you," "bfn" for "bye for now" and -> "lol" for "laughing out loud." A popular feature is a colon -> followed by a space and a parenthesis to make a "smiley face" to -> brighten up a message -- like this :) -- or a sad face like this : -> (. To give a hug, the writer types ((((name)))). That's not a sad face, that's a time-reversed one-eye smiley. Oh, I get it, the line wrap happened where the smiley's nose would have been if they had spelled "nose" as "hyphen" and not as "space". These grownups, they just don't know how to hyphenate a nose. Also, I have invented a new smiley that makes both happy smileys and sad smileys obsolete: THE UNISMILEY. It expresses all two human emotions at the same time, and therefore can -- and should -- be used in every sentence: :-)-:-(-: -> Critics object that Netspeak ignores or violates the usual rules -> of punctuation, capitalization and sentence structure. It's -> peppered with strange abbreviations, acronyms and visual symbols. -> Its spelling can be, well, different. -> -> Professional linguists say not to worry. They claim that Netspeak -> has become a third way -- in addition to traditional speech and -> writing -- for people to communicate with one another. It brings -> freshness and creativity to everyday English, they say. It's even -> reviving the almost lost art of diary keeping. Makes graffiti quicker to write, too. -> "The Internet has permitted language to evolve a new medium of -> communication, different in fundamental respects from traditional -> conversational speech and from writing," Crystal said. -> -> Even Netspeak enthusiasts acknowledge that young people need to -> learn how to speak and write proper English to get ahead in -> school, hold a job or write official documents. The concept of "Netspeak enthusiasts" is one of those things the news media really existed just so they could complain about it. Remember all the articles ten years ago about the imaginary movement to teach Ebonics in schools? I think it's all part of that Umwelt thing. -> "Children have to be taught about their language," Crystal said. -> "They have to learn about the importance of standard English as a -> medium of educated communication." -> -> As it's used on the Internet, Netspeak has some features of both -> spoken and written English. And it's so hard to translate written English into spoken English. -> But even though it's typed on a keyboard, scholars say it's -> closer to how we talk than to how we write. I think how I write is closer to how I talk than to how I write. Also, I avoid "Netspeak" in either medium (no smileys, no acronyms) though I am still hoping my "NGETTAMTAMD" coinage will take the world by storm so that I can then travel back in time and patent the concept of stupid acronyms so I can get rich every time someone types or reads one. -> Like conversational speech, it uses short, back-and-forth -> statements, sometimes consisting of single words. So? -> Its vocabulary is relatively small. So? -> It's relaxed about the rules of grammar. Grammar is the evil clown that won't let you say "Grammar are the evil clown," even though it are. -> The smiley faces and other so-called "emoticons" help compensate -> for the lack of face-to-face contact. And they also indicate that the person composing the message is giggling gleefully as they bounce up and down in their chair exuberantly, letting you know how enthusiastic they were about just having said something incredibly witty. :-) :-) :-) :-) Charles Dickens didn't need no smileys. The King James Bible didn't need no smileys. Kurt Vonnegut didn't need no smileys (just an asterisk.) -> Instant messaging, or IM, "looks more like speech than it does -> like writing," said Naomi Baron, a linguistics professor at -> American University in Washington who analyzed more than 2,100 -> such conversations at her university. PERVERT!!! -> It's become "a mainstay of online communication, especially among -> teenagers and young adults," she said. The exchanges often -> involved multiple partners at the same time, PERVERTS!!! -> much like a group conversation in a room. I see, so, the deep insight in this article is that a "chat room" is "like... a room". -> The college students Baron studied usually were doing something -> else -- listening to music, watching TV, talking on the telephone, -> writing memos or letters on the computer -- while they were -> exchanging instant messages. That's because composing one is hardly instant. -> Contrary to purists' fears, only 171 of the 11,718 words she -> collected were misspelled -- less than 2 percent. Unusual -> abbreviations and symbols were relatively rare. The most common -> was the letter "k" standing for "OK." NO IT DOESN'T! IT'S MINE!!! -> Another branch of Netspeak is blogs, periodic messages posted on -> the World Wide Web, usually with the latest entry on top. Blogs -> range from individual journals to accounts of presidential -> campaigns. Many of them allow visitors to leave comments, which -> can lead to a community of readers centered on the blog. -> -> Blogs are "already providing evidence of a new genre of diary -> writing, which a few years ago was though to be dying out as a -> literary domain," Crystal said. And now, by starting a blog, anyone can show the world that they're the master of their domain! ("Blog" is short for "spooge-glob".) -> Crystal took issue with "prophets of doom" who complain that new -> technology is corrupting the language, Again, these nameless imaginary "prophets of doom" exist solely in the mind of newspaper writers who enjoy complaining about the vast conspiracy of silence that keeps them from having anything to complain about. -> as other critics did when printing was introduced in the 15th -> century, Wuh? "Oh no, because of Gutenberg's Bible, people are going to start all speaking in the same style of blackletter!" -> the telephone came along in the 19th century and broadcasting -> took off in the 20th. In fact, the Greek philosopher Plato said -> more than two millennia ago that talking was more important than -> writing. No he didn't. He never said that. He _wrote_ it, shithead. Look, shut the fuck up. I own the English language. I keep it right here in my ass. And you're not going to be telling me anything about how it works or what Plato said about blogs. People who get paid to write don't know what they're talking about. Now, people who get paid to talk, they know what they're talking about. That's why Joan Rivers is just like Albert Einstein, except without the smarts. She's what you'd get if, some morning, he forgot to put his brain in. -> Thanks to the Internet, the language's "resources for the -> expression of informality in writing have hugely increased, -> something which hasn't been seen in English since the Middle Ages, -> and which was largely lost when standard English came to be -> established in the 18th century," Crystal said. Hey, some of us _still_ make up "Beowulf"-style kennings at the drop of a hat, you wormturdinous wank-rag. -> "Rather than condemning it, we should be exulting in the fact that -> the Internet is allowing us to once more explore the power of the -> written language in a creative way," he added. NOBODY'S CONDEMNING! NOBODY SHOULD BE EXULTING! JUST SHUT UP AND ADMIT THAT THE REASON YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WRITE JUST TO HEAR THEMSELVES SPEAK IS THAT YOU'RE ONE OF US! ONE OF US! GOOBLE-GOBBLE, GOOBLE-GOBBLE! -> So far, Netspeak is mainly a dialect of English. More than 90 -> percent of the conversations on the Internet in Europe are -> conducted in English, said Susan Herring, a researcher at Indiana -> University, Bloomington. -> -> "For the foreseeable future, English will be the lingua franca of -> the Internet," she said. Um. I was going to trot out The Dancing Bears Of An Incredibly Obviously Stupid Turn Of Phrase Which Radiates Inherently Contradictive Energy Throughout The Universe, but all the dancing bears are kind of tired, so I'll let them nap. Plus if I woke them up I'd have to feed them. And I try not to feed The Dancing Bears Of An Incredibly Obviously Stupid Turn Of Phrase Which Radiates Inherently Contradictive Energy Throughout The Universe. -> But foreign variants of Netspeak are cropping up, especially in -> Japan. According to Herring, Japanese use emoticons -- called -> kaomoji, meaning "face marks" -- more than Americans do. That's 'cause they're always trying to save face. Americans don't believe in conserving faces, let alone recycling them, except in Hannibal Lecter's case. Of course, his practice goes back to the time of the Roman Emperor Titus Andronicus, who... oh, never mind. Here, have some more new smileys I made up: *.'< &----^ _^v- /\\_/ .::% ',]< :-ILIKEMITTENS-) -> Males and females differ in their use of Netspeak, as they do in -> spoken English. (Scientists have yet to discover genitals.) -> "Men are more likely to engage in sarcasm, NO, REALLY? -> sexual humor and swearing than women," said Simeon Yates, -> an expert on computer communication at Sheffield Hallan University -> in Sheffield, England. Simeon didn't swear in that sentence, so he must be a girl. Especially with choosing to spell his name like that, and double especially because he grew up in England. -> "Conversely, women are more likely to offer support, to be -> affectionate or to use emotion," he said. No man has ever expressed emotion on the Internet! And I'll violently dismember anyone who disagrees! -> Internet conversations between females lasted much longer than -> between males, Yates reported. Also they cause accidents because they put on their nail polish while driving and wave their hand out the car window to dry the nails and that's the only time you ever see a woman giving a proper turn signal while driving because when they and the other gals get together for bridge and bridge mix it's all yakkity-yak-yak about gossip and new Easter hats and I'm gonna go find Ricky Ricardo and Ralph Kramden and Fred Flintsone and we're going to start the Woman-Haters Club which is for men who are so heterosexual that they hate women because of the blah-blah-blah and the yakkity-yak-yak and, now, the yadda-yadda-yadda. And also I invented a device that keeps the inside of my car quiet, it fits over her mouth. That's why I hate the Internet, because it encourages women to talk too much and soon they'll develop their own secret FemNetSpeak where they can talk behind men's backs and all the words will be pink. -> Male-female chats tended to be of intermediate length. I'm tired of this discussion. HITLER HITLER HITLER -> --- -> -> For more information go to: -> www.stanford.edu/class/pwr3-25/group3/introduction.html or -> http://house-of-hope.net/chat/netspeak.html Information? What's that? This is the Internet, information has no place within these walls. -- K. I'm just as tired as the dancing bears, because I had to get up early for the cable guy, and when I woke up I was in the middle of this dream where I was in a rubber raft in some caves and someone said "Watch out for Angela Lansbury, she's naked and on crystal meth," and then she popped out of the water and tipped my raft over. That's when, thankfully, I woke up. When the cable guy showed up (to bring me a new analog cable box to replace my old one) he also brought along a digital cable box and pressured me to upgrade to digital cable (for a small extra fee.) He told me (while he was still outside the apartment) that he knew I had a digital TV and I explained that it was an old blurry analog Magnavox, and he stated matter-of-factly that all of Magnavox's TVs have been digital since 1984. The reason this conversation took place outside is that I switched cable boxes at the front door so I could be the only one to touch my equipment because I knew Comcast would send one of their typical pushy and/or clueless weenies. P.S. My spellchecker says that about half the words I just used are purple and a tenth are red, the best being "spooge-glob" which is red on one side and purple on the other (Eudora rates this message three chili peppers so I know I've done my job.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Netspeak vs. Ebonics vs. Kibonics vs. The Robonic Stooges Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 23:31:15 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > it's also nice to know that the newspapers are reporting that these > "abbreviations" are not the end of the world. Hey Talysman Em-Space The Ur-Hyphen-Beatle, You're not going to believe this, but every time I try to reply to your article, it makes my computer crash. There's something about your article which breaks my ancient newsreader program. Hey, you're also not going to believe this, but every line of this reply to your article starts with the same word, if spelling doesn't count for urine. Stop breaking my computer with your discussion of the unimportance of this discussion. Did I spell "discussion" right? I don't care any more. But I want to know just the same. That hamburger bun wasn't bad! -- K. "Analyze THIS!" -- Robert DeNiro as Lt.Worf (a famous warrior who helped create the Sapir-Worf maneuver, used at the Spelling Battle Of Betelgeuse.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Netspeak vs. Ebonics vs. Kibonics vs. The Robonic Stooges Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 22:57:45 -0500 "plorkwort" (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> [...] in English, said Susan Herring, a researcher at Indiana > > -> University, Bloomington. > > -> > > -> "For the foreseeable future, English will be the lingua franca of > > -> the Internet," she said. > > > > Um. I was going to trot out The Dancing Bears Of An Incredibly Obviously > > Stupid Turn Of Phrase Which Radiates Inherently Contradictive Energy > > Throughout The Universe, but all the dancing bears are kind of tired, > > so I'll let them nap. Plus if I woke them up I'd have to feed them. > > And I try not to feed The Dancing Bears Of An Incredibly Obviously > > Stupid Turn Of Phrase Which Radiates Inherently Contradictive Energy > > Throughout The Universe. > > Um, this is probably where I don't mention that I'm in Susan's class on > computer-mediated discourse analysis RITE NOW BAY-BEE, and have to find a > chunk of communication to analyze for my final project, and wouldn't it > make her head asplode if I used a chunk of communication that even cited > her? I think you should use a chunk of communication where you discuss the concept of using a chunk of communication which not only cites her but also includes a little diagram of her head exploding: * * * * * * * ****** !KAZANGO! ****** ____________ * * * / \ * * * ---=< Ow, my nose! ) * \____________/ The important thing is to mime that when you read it aloud to her, in accordance with the theory that the semiotic thickness of a performed text varies according to the redundancy of auxilary performance codes. (For best results, also shave zebra stripes into your sideburns to look like Savalom Glitz.) -- K. A Google image search for "kazango" turns up babies, babies, and more babies. Shouldn't there be at least one diagram of Jonny Hart going from his wacky- mock-onomatopoeia phase to his I-don't-care-if- it's-called-"B.C."-Jesus- is-going-to-time-travel- back-to-it-anyway phase? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Netspeak vs. Ebonics vs. Kibonics vs. The Robonic Stooges Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 23:06:45 -0500 I just wrote: > > "plorkwort" (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > Um, this is probably where I don't mention that I'm in Susan's class on > > computer-mediated discourse analysis RITE NOW BAY-BEE, and have to find a > > chunk of communication to analyze for my final project, and wouldn't it > > make her head asplode if I used a chunk of communication that even cited > > her? > > [...] a little diagram of her head exploding: > > * > * * * > * * * > ****** !KAZANGO! ****** ____________ > * * * / \ > * * * ---=< Ow, my nose! ) > * \____________/ Although I have _never_ before commented on my own writings... I should add that, seconds after I posted that, my computer crashed. She got her exploding head guts in my CPU, and the result was _not_ the tasty peanut butter cup the commercials led me to expect! You could do a project on my use of indentogons -- explains the rules for when I use ">", "->", "=>", ">>", and "<>". Also you should include a photo of someone who got beaten to death for top-posting. And go through the dictionary and classify all the words into whether they would be "e/n" threads if you posted about that subject, and if I posted something brilliant about the subject. Wow, this day-old organic hamburger bun has loads of black pepper in it. I took a bite of it and decided I hated it and put it down but then about a minute later decided I wanted to eat the rest of it because I love it. There is a serious conflict here between the goodness of the overpeppering and the badness of the stale organicness. -- K. Be the first to use "NGETTAMTAMD" in an academic paper. I'll give you a nickel. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Netspeak vs. Ebonics vs. Kibonics vs. The Robonic Stooges Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 22:45:44 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > People who get paid to write don't know what they're talking about. > > Watch it, bucko. Wanna start something? Go ahead. I'll break your crayons. -- K. ...with my MIND. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Things out my window today Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 15:50:52 -0500 1.) This morning, around sunrise, a little birdie perched on my apartment's balcony (seven stories up) and started chirping out a complicated little song (about four bars.) Some sort of finch with a blood-colored head. Cute little fellow. First songbird I've ever seen here high above the asphalt (I normally just get pigeons and hordes of ladybugs.) 2.) Because it's Good Friday, and I'm across the street from a basilica and about five iglesias, a procession of chanting people just passed by, following someone carrying a large wooden cross. I don't need to tell you how hard it was to fight the urge to grab a hammer and my centurion helmet and see if they'd discriminate against me, but unfortunately I don't know where my hammer is. 3.) It's a nice day here. But that doesn't mean I won't be in a bad mood. So there. -- K. I never figured out whether the annual ladybug infestations were natural or deliberate. Used to happen every spring. Haven't seen them lately. Maybe the songbird ate them. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Things out my window today Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 23:16:19 -0500 ash (alaswthrt@yahoo.com) wrote: > > asian ladybugs > released in US > late 1980s early 1990s > hibernate in... BUILDINGS!!! > > still it's better than fire ants > > ash > > Kibo says: > > I never figured out whether > the annual ladybug > infestations > were natural or deliberate. > > Used to happen every > spring. > Haven't seen them lately. > Maybe the songbird ate > them. AUGH! Stop infesting my formatting with whitespacey bugs, you formattingrejiggereranddon'tsay"hardlyknew'er". I will forgive you for top-posting, because that way it looks like I get the last word whenever people are reading your reply to my paragraph below it. But please don't ever again separate my words from their little friends, shredding my nice block of pseudo-typography like Jack The Ripper deciding he wants to be the one to find the baby in the king cake. CAKE EVERYWHERE! FROSTING-DRENCHED CRIME SCENE! DRAW A CHALK LINE AROUND WHATEVER NAMELESS, CTHULHUIAN SHAPE YOU MADE MY PARAGRAPH INTO! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to round up the shattered fragments of my paragraph and pack them into a Bonsai Kitten box for ten years to make them normal. -- K. I've never had fire ants. Do they taste more like jalapenos or habaneros? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kelis Fans Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 16:23:34 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > The lyric to "Milkshake" doesn't make any sense to me. What's hard to understand about six macho, macho men singing "Do the milkshake, the milkshake, the milkshake" in ads for the National Dairy Council? Equating product sales with handjobs was a brilliant marketing ploy, assuming that everyone in the world loved "Can't Stop The Music". Wait, that was an idiotic assumption for them to have made. Here, I looked up the lyrics for you: -> -> Do the shake (do the shake), do the sha-a-ake (do the shake) -> Do the milkshake, the milkshake (do the shake) -> Do the shake (do the shake), do the shake (do the shake) -> Do the milkshake, the milkshake (do the shake) -> -> When they come home (when they come ho-o-ome) from school (alright) -> And they want something that's cold to drink (co-old to dri-ink) -> Vitality (vitality), they need (they need) -> They also want something good and sweet (good and sweet) -> Just get a glass (just get a gla-ass) of milk (of mi-ilk) -> You see it's not very hard to make (not very hard to make) -> Add some ice cream (some ice cream) and blend (yeah-eah) -> You will have yourself a great milkshake (a grea-eat milksha-ake) There's more, but you get the idea. Also, in the movie, drinking milk makes them turn into gay children because apparently that movie wasn't creepy enough. Between the National Dairy Council-sponsored number and all the Baskin-Robbins product placements ("Can't Stop The Nuts") and all the scenes about lasagna, that movie was distressingly high in dairy content. I think the intent was to cause homophobes to also be lactose-intolerant. Now, some pop bimbette has recently come out with her cheap imitation of this extremely forgettable Village People song, which raises the possibility that she's also going to resurrect their other failures -- she must be stopped. -- K. If Beethoven were alive today, he too would be composing songs about heavy petting. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bees try to help humans by preventing boring baseball Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 22:41:06 -0500 [sports.myway.com] -> -> Bees Stop Diamondbacks-Rockies Game -> -> [...] -> -> The bees literally chased Oliver from the mound. He kept trying to -> go back, but the bees would go after him again. Finally, after a -> 20-minute delay, he left for good and let Colorado reliever Allan -> Simpson complete the inning. -> -> Oliver said the bees apparently were attracted to the coconut oil -> in his hair gel. Bees like coconut? Wow, Archimedes Plutonium is as smart as a bee. -> "I guess I must have smelled good. It was kind of funny at first, -> but after a while I started getting a little nervous and scared -> out there," he said. -> -> The Diamondbacks took the field in the sixth, but by then the bees -> had spread over the entire field. Shortstop Sergio Santos, who had -> just entered the game, was chased all the way into deep center field. -> -> "There were like little packs moving around," said Arizona's Luis -> Gonzalez, who hit his first homer of the spring in the first -> inning and was on third after a triple when play stopped. "They -> were all over the pitcher, and Santos when he went out. I think it -> was either their cologne or deodorant or something. They've got to -> switch it up." Maybe bees are attracted to steroids? -> There was a brief bee delay at the same ballpark two years ago. "Twiki, I refuse to call this an 'extrudo-link' -- back in the Twentieth, we called this a 'hot dog'." "Buck, I am detecting a bee delay. BeeDelayBeeDelayBeeDelay!!!" -- K. Phase 1: Train bees to prevent baseball. Phase 2: Train bees to make there be hockey. Phase 3: ? Phase 4: Ottawa wins the Stanley Cup. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I am Back From Arizona... Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 23:46:44 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] KERFUFFLY-WUFFLY! New Domesticated Kontext-Away With Snouts And Parts swoops in and removes everything that was said up to now, and I mean NOW! > You've got a point. Don't forget that Harlan is also neutered, > however. SHIZZLE-BAZZLE! Kontext-Away folds itself up into a hexaflexagon and then jumps up Roger Ebert's butt and flexes itself six times, so that halfway through "Baby Geniuses 3" he'll wake up inside out! Anyway, as far as Harlan Ellison being "pointless" (and not in a good way) goes, his extreme penectomy and its lasting repercussions could explain why he only ever got to write those two episodes of the original "Star Trek" -- the one where Kirk goes back in time so he can kill Joan Collins before she can go on any talk shows and say she loves Hitler, and the one where Spock gets the power to fly but can't decide whether to stop the jewel thieves since it would mean missing Kirk's birthday party. -- K. Has anyone made a song out of all the Kontext-Away noises? (You guys _are_ memorizing all of them, right?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Lost my spleen Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005 23:56:49 -0500 plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > higgledy piggledy > rolling in chocolate's > sweet, and in chilis > can spice up your life; > > But though it's normal for > D. melanogaster > you might not suggest > sex in agar to your wife. But it's still okay with a concubine, prostitute, or art teacher, right? -- K. There is an Agar Agar brand Agar Agar factory directly across from the Super 88 Supermarket. That sentence was written just to prove I could get four "Agar"s into the same sentence without mentioning John Agar. Don't suggest sex in John Agar to your wife. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Videos I bought today. Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 01:58:28 -0500 Since Tim "Thanks" C. has taken a leave of absence, and the other Tim "No Thanks" C. isn't the same guy, I thought I'd assume the duties of the former and tell you every detail of which version of which edition of which ultra-violent Asian DVDs I just got. When it comes to Asian movies, I normally only go for Japanese films (not Chinese or Korean or Australian), and I prefer Yakuza films to samurai films or horror films or J-pop films. But due to a bizarre confluence of planets, today's two selections are 83% from outside Japan. I happened to find a couple of non-American editions at good prices. First is a two-disc, all-region NTSC version (pressed in Taiwan) of the Korean film "Save The Green Planet". I've read some very interesting reviews of it, but Harry Knowles also salivated over it, so I don't know whether it will be good. The box's charming Engrish promises me that one of the two discs includes an "East Egg", and you can't get much Easter than Taiwan. I just hope the movie was made in the good Korea, not its evil twin that only ever made one movie worth watching ("Pulgasari"). Second is also a two-disc set, this time a region 3 (South Korea) NTSC version (pressed in Hong Kong, with Chinese/English packaging) of "Three... Extremes", the anthology of three short films (one from infamous Japanese director Takashi Miike, one from infamous Korean director Chan-Wook Park, and one from infamous Hong Kong director Fruit Chan.) I haven't yet seen a Fruit Chan film, and I'm not as in love with Chan-Wook Park as Tim C. is, but of course I had to get this 'cause it has a Takashi Miike segment. The packaging is the standard "super-deluxe fancy Hong Kong overkill" package, with the DVDs' plastic case inside a cardboard slipcase with a "Sanitized For Your Protection"-style band around that. Neither movie has a normal US DVD release in the near future, so it was nice to find these gray-market NTSC versions. Thanks. -- K. North and South Korea can never be re-unified because they're in separate DVD regions. Also North Korea uses SECAM, a TV broadcasting system which is only compatible with Communist TV shows (which is why it's only used in Russia, France, and... Jamaica? What was Jamaica smoking when they chose that?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Videos I bought today. Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 23:36:48 -0500 Bill Shymanski (wtshyman@mb.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also North Korea uses SECAM, a TV broadcasting system which is > > only compatible with Communist TV shows (which is why it's only > > used in Russia, France, and... Jamaica? What was Jamaica smoking > > when they chose that?) > > 1995 World Radio TV Handbook says Jamaica uses NTSC. Only Guadaloupe > and Martinique show as SECAM, as does St. Pierre and Miquelon. Yeah, but that's just a book. For correct information, let's ask the Internet, which contains _all_ the information there has ever been. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=jamaica+secam Google lists all the pages which say "Jamaica, SECAM" above the ones that say "Jamaica, NTSC" and since Google ranks pages by freshness, this means that Jamaica converted from NTSC to SECAM a couple years ago so that they wouldn't have to watch "Star Trek: Enterprise". I'm sorry, Bill, the response I was looking for was "ganja". "Ganja". I would have also accepted "reefer". That puts you in a deficit situation, and you lose control of the board to Ken Jennings. Ken, the remaining categories are "Things Kibo Eats" and "VocabulARRRRy", and remember, in the latter category, you must give your response in the form of a pirate. -- K. Of course, according to Comcast, I switched from NTSC to DTV in 1984, long before it was invented, so I must be some sort of genius. I should go on "Jeopardy!", as long as they let me bring my computer so I can look up stuff in Google. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bank of America's latest sleazebag mailing technique Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 23:57:24 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > You know how all the car dealers used to mail you rebate offers around > this time of year that looked like tax refund checks and said things like > OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE to make you think they were government mailings > rather than ads? I like "DATED CORRESPONDENCE -- OPEN IMMEDIATELY". I've taken to writing "UNDATED CORRESPONDENCE" on personal letters. Unless they're to people I have dated. Especially if Carbon-14 was involved. > Then the credit card companies started sending you offers with fake > credit cards in them to make you think you had to make sure to open > them to prevent somebody from stealing your card number? > > Well, look what was in my mail today: > > http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/boacard.html They mailed you a JavaScript rollover animation? Wow, that's sneaky. You should tell your mailman to disable JavaScript for your mailbox. You should also turn off HTML in your mailbox, so that nobody can send you a tiny postcard with

written on it, which would expand to giant size when you looked at it, crushing you so the paramedics would have to hit your reset button. But don't disable cookies in your mailbox or you'll never get your order from the Girl Scouts. > Bank of America has combined the two techniques in an incredibly sleazy > new way: They actually print what looks like a rubbing of a credit card > on an otherwise unmarked envelope to fake you out into thinking your card > may ALREADY have been compromised and opening it up fast. No, see, you're supposed to open it up and say, "Whew! My card HAS NOT BEEN compromised! They've proven to me that the Bank of America card is inherently uncompromisable! I'm going to get twelve!" -- K. Other things they could print a shadowy outline of on the envelope: Krugerrands. Marijuana leaves. Genitalia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 01:54:19 -0500 [english.pravda.ru] -> -> Whipping therapy cures depression and suicide crises -> -> 03/26/2005 13:06 -> -> The effect is astounding: a patient starts seeing only bright -> colors in the surrounding world Food tastes better, too. Especially ice cream. -> Russian scientists from the city of Novosibirsk, Siberia, made a -> sensational report at the international conference devoted to new -> methods of treatment and rehabilitation in narcology. The report -> was called "Methods of painful impact to treat addictive behavior." -> -> Siberian scientists believe that addiction to alcohol and -> narcotics, as well as depression, suicidal thoughts and -> psychosomatic diseases occur when an individual loses his or her -> interest in life. The absence of the will to live is caused with -> decreasing production of endorphins -- the substance, which is -> known as the hormone of happiness. If a depressed individual -> receives a physical punishment, whipping that is, it will stir up -> endorphin receptors, activate the "production of happiness" and -> eventually remove depressive feelings. "Doctorinatrix, I've been a verrrry naughty boy. I know you said I shouldn't get depressed, but I disobeyed you and became very, very, very, very depressed, here, I'll pull my pants down." -> Russian scientists recommend the following course of the whipping -> therapy: 30 sessions of 60 whips on the buttocks in every -> procedure. A group of drug addicts volunteered to test the new -> method of treatment: the results can be described as good and -> excellent. Is that 60 strikes on each side (separately), or 30 on each side (separately), or 60 on both sides (simultaneously)? And what type of whip? And what length whip? And what color whip? -> Doctor of Biological Sciences, Sergei Speransky, is a very well -> known figure in Novosibirsk. The doctor became one of the authors -> of the shocking whipping therapy. And with AC or DC current? -> The professor used the self-flagellation method to cure his -> own depression; he also recovered from two heart attacks with -> the help of physical tortures too. Self-flagellation's no fun at all! It's hardly worth faking two heart attacks just so you can get a prescription to buy your own whip. -> "The whipping therapy becomes much more efficient when a patients -> receives the punishment from a person of the opposite sex. As published in The Russian Journal Of Heterosexual Duhhhhhh! -> The effect is astounding: It would be more astounding if you whipped someone 60 times and there _wasn't_ some effect. The only effect of whipping which might astound me would be if it causes someone to yawn. -> the patient starts seeing only bright colors in the surrounding -> world, the heartache disappears, although it will take a certain -> time for the buttocks to heal, of course," Sergei Speransky told -> the Izvestia newspaper. Far be it from me to tell a doctor how to do his job, but there are ways of... oh, never mind. -> The whipping therapy has not become a new discovery in the history -> of medicine. Tibetan monks widely used it for medical purposes -> too. Soviet specialists used a special method of torturing therapy -> at mental hospitals. They made injections of brimstone and peach -> oil mixture to inspire mentally unbalanced patience with a will to -> live. A patient would suffer from horrible pain in the body after -> such an injection, but he or she would change their attitude to -> life for the better afterwards. Um, well, sulfazine (powdered elemental sulfur in peach oil) wasn't really given to Soviet political prisoners for that reason. My understanding is that it's a powerful pyrogenic -- i.e. it causes an incredibly intense burning pain 24 hours a day and it gets worse whenever you move any part of your body -- and they'd just shoot people full of this stuff for months or years at a time to keep them from making trouble. Accounts claim that Soviet prisoners would just lie there in agony, so afraid to move that they'd starve to death if the other prisoners didn't feed them. It was just an extraordinarily cruel way to keep "mental patients" from ever asking the staff any questions about why they couldn't go home. Sort of the same reason American mental institutions used to give out free lobotomies, but with the delicious zing of peach oil. -> "People might probably think of me as a masochist," Dr. Speransky -> said. "But I can assure you that I am not a classic masochist at -> all," he added. I would say that if being whipped makes you feel good, you're not just a classic masochist, you're a world-class masochist. Letting your gal pinch you playfully, maybe a light spank, that's classic. Getting 59 more deep-tissue bruises after the first one, that's hella masochist. -> The revolutionary method may take the Russian healthcare to a -> whole new level. The method is cheap and highly efficient, Dominatrixes are cheaper than doctors in Russia? Wow, Communism did something right. -> The revolutionary method may take the Russian healthcare to a -> whole new level. The method is cheap and highly efficient, as -> its authors assure. Why not using something more efficient, -> a rack, for example? Because the point of a rack is to stretch someone so that the whipping will hurt more, dummy. There's no point to using a rack by itself, 'cause that just causes joint damage without you having the fun. And if you are not being hit with whip you can not be having the fun! Tenk you veddy much. Bibi da? -- K. Doctors will never actually be able to write prescriptions for whipping unless the Latin language contains at least one word for it. I'll have to check my three-volume English-to-Latin dictionary... Let's see, Volume 1 is "A" through "Whe", Volume 2 is "Whi" through "Whi"... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 20:57:53 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [english.pravda.ru] > > -> > > -> Whipping therapy cures depression and suicide crises > > wait sec... didn't the russians already DO this once? Once isn't enough. I like this new catchphrase "wait sec". It suggests you're in such a hurry that you can't wait a sec to say "a" when you want us to wait a sec. It's got a certain "Neil Armstrong on crystal meth" charm. "In USA, you wait sec, but in Roosia, you wait sex!" -- Yakov Notfunnynotfunny > around the time of the revolution. Rasputin was a member of a christian > ascetic cult that practiced whipping. Lots of Christians have done it. But the Romans did it better. > and, I think, castration. Beware! Talysman has the power to THINK CASTRATION! Don't let him think about your crotch! Put on your think-proof underwear! I don't care how scratchy the magnesium strips are, it's the only effective solution! Yes, I know it looks like a chastity belt, but it doesn't prevent sex, it just prevents thoughts from entering -- it's more of a stupidity belt. > I swear, it's the SAME STUFF every few years. How do they do castration that many times? Do Russian ones grow back? By the way, Taly, I figured out why your articles make my newsreader explode. You know that extra space in the middle of your Real Name? You need to take that extra space and tell Google News to stick it in between the two items in your References: header, which currently says: > References: (kibo-2703050151390001@10.0.1.2)(kibo-2703050154200001@10.0.1.2) ^^ see, colliding Message-IDs. You are allowing Google News to post non-RFC-compliant versions of your articles, and therefore, it's all your fault. Section 2.2.5 of RFC1036 clearly states: -> If the original message does have a "References" line, the follow-up -> message should have a "References" line containing the text of the -> original "References" line, a blank, and the Message-ID of the -> original message. My article had one item on the References: header, and when you posted your followup, Google News glued on the second Message-ID, without the space mandated by RFC1036, so now you're going to RFC Jail where you'll get the Usenet Death Penalty and in RFC Jail your last meal choices are restricted -- you can't have Kentucky Fried Chicken, just Roxbury Fried Chicken. -- K. You can have think-proof or you can have wedgie-proof, but not at the same time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 06:49:56 -0500 A different Russian-to-English translation of the same Pravda article turned up on another news site. Now scientist's love of "whipping" has turned into "caning". [mosnews.com] -> -> Russian Scientists Suggest Caning to Cure Drug Addicts -> -> MosNews -> -> A group of Russian scientists has suggested caning as a treatment -> for those who suffer from drug and alcohol addiction as well as -> depression and suicidal tendencies, the Izvestia daily reports. Ah, now it's a "group" of scientists. Uh oh. They've started some sort of private club where you have to be a mad scientist _and_ kinky to join. They better hope Archimedes Plutonium never finds out where it is or he'll be throwing his candy bar wrappers into the iron maiden. -> The name of the report delivered at the international conference -> on new methods of treating addictions is "Pain affliction as a -> method of treatment for addictive behavior and other -> manifestations of non-vitalistic activity". Scientists claim that -> drug addiction, alcoholism, suicidal behavior and psychosomatic -> disorders are all caused by a lack of zest for life. When a -> patient is caned, the body starts producing endorphins -- happiness -> hormones -- and life seems attractive again. "Most people suddenly become less unhappy the moment the torture stops!" -> The recommended treatment course is 30 sessions of 60 cane -> strokes, delivered on the buttocks by a person of average build. Now _this_ is a new detail, the "no fat dominatrixes" stipulation. Seems like a pointless restriction. I'd think that heavy and skinny people would be just as skilled at flicking that rod as any Catholic nun who's just converted her ruler to Metric. The length and diameter of the cane should make more difference than the waist size of the fat sadist involved. Also the mood of the sadist is important. Hint to Russians: If you're depressed, you don't want to get caned by another depressed person. Especially if they're full of vodka. Cranky, drunken sadists are the type of people who give sadists a bad reputation. 30 sessions of 60 strokes is a lot. That's 1800. Actually, it's more, because they always lose count halfway through. And then there's the "fifty-nine and a half... fifty-nine and three-quarters..." part. -> The method has been tested on volunteers and the results are said -> to be positive. "Okay, okay, I heartily endorse your method, now pleeeeeease let me go!" -> The scientists claim the effect of the treatment is even greater -> if a patient is caned by a doctor of the opposite sex. ...building on the scientists' previous research, "There Are No Gay People In Russia." -> The author of the method, Doctor Sergei Speransky told the -> newspaper that people often asked if he was a masochist. "No, -> I am not a classic masochist," the doctor said. He should at least be a _classy_ masochist. He could get caned with a genuine ivory rod with a teak handle, to the beat of live music performed by the Moscow Sadistic Symphony Orchestra. If he keeps denying he likes being caned hundreds of times while being caned hundreds of times, I'm going to stop taking Doctor Spanksky seriously. He should be proud of his extreme masochism, rather than being unwilling to admit it -- nobody likes a self-hating masochist. -- K. Since this guy has a "no fat sadists" rule, he should come up with a weight-loss program. It could involve a treadmill and a spanking machine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:11:23 -0500 And now, here's a third deformation of that Russian news story about the doctor who likes to whip and/or cane and/or spank people for money. I'm fascinated by the way this article keeps becoming deviant in different ways. It's like a game of "Telephone", but with a spanking machine involved. I tracked down the below article on Ananova.com (a British site which posts mangled, unattributed little news stories, about 50% of which smell made up) after seeing it referenced on News24.com under the headline "Spank The Blues". (But sadly, it wasn't about Patrick Lalime finally getting to play hockey.) [www.ananova.com] -> -> Scientist backs caning -> -> A Russian scientist claims a beating on the naked buttocks with a -> cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to -> alcoholism. -> -> Dr Sergei Speransky says caning releases endorphins, the body's -> natural 'happy chemicals', Izvestia reports. And if you want to get an endorphin rush and a sugar buzz, there's always candy caning! -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of -> non-vitalistic activity'. "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or "odyle"? -> Dr Speransky, a biologist of the Novosibirsk Institute of -> Medicine, claims corporal punishment helps people overcome -> addiction and depression. No, corporal punishment, by definition, makes you unhappy. It's corporal entertainment that makes you all giddy. I wouldn't trust whoever wrote this version of this article to be able to put porn tapes into the proper categories in my porn store, let alone beat me with an ugly stick. By the way, I don't actually have a porn store. -> He said: "The treatment works. I'm not sadistic, at least not in -> the classical sense, but I do advocate caning." Heyyyyy! The last two versions of the article had him saying he wasn't a masochist. And you can't not be a masochist _and_ not be a sadist. This furthers my theory that "masochism" and "sadism" are synonyms if you work at a newspaper. Someone should teach writers a thing or two about how to not seem so clueless about perversion. Here, clip and save this handy guide to the terminology: * If you whip someone else, you're a sadist. * If someone else whips you, you're a masochist. * If you whip yourself, you're lonely. (Call me.) -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger than average. -> His colleague Dr Marina Chuhrova, who also took part in preparing -> the report, said she had 10 patients she caned regularly. -> -> She added: "At first they didn't like it, but when they started to -> feel the benefits they kept asking for more." But how come none of these news sites has a video clip of the clinic's commercial? I want to hear her say "I used to not even know the word 'gummikrankenschwester', but now I am one." -> The Russian team says they are now charging for the caning -> sessions getting 57 pounds per patient for a standard treatment. Uh huh. "Standard treatment". You pay more for "Treatment with full release". Don't even ask how much "Treatment around the world" costs. -> In a new paper entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of treatment -> for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of non-vitalistic -> activity' the scientists said that when caned a person's body will -> release masses of endorphins, making them feel happier. The paper -> was presented at a congress entitled 'New Methods of Treatment and -> Rehabilitation in Narcology'. I'd hardly call torture a "new" method of rehabilitation. I mean, two thousand years ago, there was this Jesus guy who was into cross training. -- K. WOMP WOMP ow. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:19:48 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > By the way, Taly, this time Google News put each "References:" item in your headers on a line by itself instead of mashing them together in a bad way. However, there's still an extra space in your "real name". But at least Google's new format for your "References:" header isn't making my computer explode when I try to write a pointless followup and I like mittens, yay! (I could never say that before.) > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of > > -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of > > -> non-vitalistic activity'. > > > > "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence > > also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or > > "odyle"? > > mmm, subluxation. that's the thing where your spinal cord is travelling > just below the speed of light, instead of faster than light the way it > normally does. a properly functioning nervous system always travels > *backwards* in time, not forwards. Check into rehab before you get addicted to resublimated thiotimoline. > really, spanking therapy needs its own mystical jargon, since the other > jargon words are all associated with other forms of therapy: > > if your doctor says you have a: then your doctor will: > SUBLUXATION BREAK YOUR NECK > QI IMBALANCE STAB YOU IN THE NECK > VRIL OVERLOAD SEND FLYING SAUCERS AFTER YOU > ODYLE SATURATION STARE AT THE SKY AND > SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE STARS > BEING SUSPENDED IN BLUE JELLY I'm pretty sure spankological enreddenment already has its own mystical jargon. However, it cannot be explained, only demonstrated. The Naughty Spot technique, on the other hand, doesn't have any two-dollar words associated with it. It's not even a real spot. It's just an imaginary locus of spotness, like the way the Equator isn't really painted on the stupid Atlantic Ocean. So be careful when walking around because you might step on a Naughty Spot without knowing it, and then you'd be punished by not being given your happy fun spanking. Not even a Russian would spank you. > > [...] > > > > -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered > > -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. > > > > Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question > > of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated > > by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger > > than average. > > I think he's not so much saying "NO FAT CHYX" as he's suggesting that > you don't want someone more muscular than normal, because they may hit > you too hard and cause your eyeballs to fire out of their sockets and > land in the fruit salad. > > and if that happens, what is he going to stab? First off, naughty children are spanked all the time by people much bigger than them, and it doesn't do any harm to them except to turn them all into psychotic serial killers, game show hosts, and people who masturbate during reruns of that episode of "The Goodies" where they mate Rolf Harris to another Rolf Harris. Secondly, skinny guys look silly when they take off their shirts and put on an executioner's mask. They need to invent arm chaps that will let the skinny guy have a bare chest but still pad his biceps. This is why, back in the days of the Inquisition, they all wore those baggy sack dresses when torturing people -- it was really a secret society of wimpy twig-boys brutalizing strong men they were jealous of, and in fact, the Inquisition was originally called "Revenge Of The Nerds". The recent shoddy imitation of it -- Abu Ghraib -- was originally called "Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid", except they recast it to replace the fat guy with that evil sphere-headed woman. Thirdly, your eyeballs wouldn't pop out because you'd keep your eyelids shut pretty tight, though technically that would be unnecessary because you'd also have your head wrapped in duct tape to keep you from getting a good look at the inside of the olive drab plastic sandbag. Fourthly, you are spending _way_ too much time thinking about this. -- K. Did you get that weird bongo-drum controller for your Nintendo 64? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Chilifinger Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 03:48:46 -0500 I know you've heard all about this news story over the past few days, but some of the followup reports contained enough wacky details that I had to comment. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> It's official: That was a finger in chili -> -> By Dan Reed -> Mercury News -> -> Wendy's chili is not made out of people -- well, it is, but just -> a little bit. That's why, according to Federal law, it can't be sold as "Finger Chili", but only as "Finger-Style Chili Made With Real Fingers And Other Ingredients". -> Santa Clara County health officials confirmed Wednesday that the -> thing a woman bit on when enjoying her chili at a Monterey Highway -> Wendy's was, in fact, a human finger. They're not sure whose. -> -> It was about an inch-and-a-half, with a longish, nicely groomed -> nail. Oh, good, I don't have long nails so I don't have to spend valuable time checking to see whether I lost one. -> And while it gave the woman -- Anna Ayala, 39, of Las Vegas -- a -> bad case of the willies, No, it gave her the finger. Chili with two penises would do the other thing. (And you have to pay extra for that.) -> it likely caused no physical illness, officials said. -> -> [...] -> -> ``Suddenly something crunchy was in my mouth,'' she said, ``and I -> spit it out.'' -> -> After much examination, she and her tablemates realized just what -> the special ingredient was. Then the vomiting commenced. I like the part about how to took "much examination" to determine that the complete Lee Press-On Nail sticking out of it wasn't just a sprig of parsley. The woman must wake up every morning, look at her hands, and scream for hours until she figures out what all ten of those things are. -> Police and county health officials were called to the Wendy's, but -> no one there was missing any digits. -> -> ``We had everyone kind of show us they had 10 fingers, and -> everything was OK there,'' said Ben Gale, director of the county's -> Department of Environmental Health. Now that's unusual. Most Wendy's locations have at least one employee with twelve fingers. -> In confirming it was a finger, the county medical examiner also -> found that it wasn't badly decomposed and had a solid set of -> fingerprints. And then he found a crayon and declared he had found a solid set of crayons. -> Conceivably, officials said, police could lift a print and -> perhaps match it to a partially fingered person through a database. If real police weren't completely inept compared to the geniuses on "CSI", they'd realize that some sort of magical image-enhancement camera could enlarge the finger 10000000000x to reveal the DNA of someone who touched someone who touched someone who touched the finger, and they'd put the DNA under a microscope and every third atom would be blinking purple to indicate it was DNA from a person who was about to lose a finger, and they'd check the National Missing Finger registry and find the person who would of course be a dominatrix because there's always one somewhere on "CSI". Jack Webb would have had a more realistic solution to the problem. He'd just interrogate everyone who has ever worked for or eaten at Wendy's until each of them cried and whichever one of them he talked to right before the last commercial break would read a confession off the TelePrompTer. -> For now, officials figure -- since it was a jagged cut -- it may -> have happened on a meat grinder. -> -> In any case, the county shut the Wendy's for a while and impounded -> all the remaining chili and all the ingredients used to make it. (Including a large burlap sack marked "Fingers & Finger Parts".) -> They hope to track all the fixings to try to find the source of -> the finger. Maybe a hand? -> Wendy's spokesman Bob Bertini said never in the fast-food chain's -> 35 years has a body part showed up in the food. Whoops. He wasn't supposed to admit there's never been any meat of any sort in their products. [www.mercurynews.com] => => Finger mishap has Wendy's customer fuming => => By Dan Reed => Mercury News => => Finding a finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili is a surprise. Hiring => a lawyer after biting into it is not. => => Anna Ayala, the 39-year-old Las Vegas woman who had the culinary => misfortune of chomping on the tip of a human finger at a San Jose => Wendy's on Tuesday evening, told her newly retained lawyer she's => still nauseous, off her feed and sleepless. "Off her feed"? What, finding a finger in her food turned her into a barnyard animal? => And she wants Wendy's to make it right. => => ``All I can say is she has suffered tremendously,'' Jeffrey => Janoff, a San Jose attorney, said Friday. ``People are making => jokes about this, but this is a really serious thing. How many => people have bitten into human flesh? Plenty of kindergartners? => It's revolting.'' => => Revolting? Former fans of Wendy's cuisine seem to agree. The => chain reports business is off sharply, especially at the => Monterey Highway outlet that served the finger-added recipe, but => also throughout Northern California, where the story has received => intensive media coverage. => => ``These types of sales drops you don't recover from quickly,'' => Wendy's spokesman Denny Lynch said Friday. He declined to provide => specifics. Aww, darn. This was a rare instance when we could have had a numerical measurement of revoltingness, a key constant which would figure in the equations I've been trying to compute to determine which "Fear Factor" episode has the most ick factor. => Meanwhile, the hunt for the former owner of the finger -- that => would be a person missing about an inch and a half of a digit -- => continues. Technically, an inch and a half of a _finger_, as you could still have all ten of your fingers but be missing a digit. Especially if you push a lawnmower while wearing sandals. => Capt. Bob Dixon of the Santa Clara County coroner's office => said Friday the crime lab has completed the first part of => attempting to lift a usable fingerprint from it. => => The idea, he said, is to run the print through a database and try => to match it to its owner. => => Then, one would imagine, there would be many, many questions. Such => as, did you know we had your finger? Why was Wendy's serving your => finger in its chili? Do you want your finger back? And how many coupons for a free small order of fries is it worth to you? => Dixon also said that so far it's impossible to tell whether the => finger was cooked along with the main batch of chili or somehow => dropped into the serving cup afterward. The lab is going to try to => determine if there's some kind of test to figure that out. => => No one is suggesting it was a con, such as the old scams like => putting a bug in food or a mouse in a soda bottle to try to get => money. Actually, I think that sentence is very much suggesting it could be a con, just like the other ones in the same sentence. Of course, it might not be. Some cow might have swallowed a farmer's finger, and then when the cow got ground up they forgot to grind it up enough to even break the fingernail, and the person who lost the finger never noticed because their favorite song was playing on their iPod. I can see how that would explain how a whole finger could have gotten into the ground beef without anyone involved in its manufacture or sale having lost it. => For Ayala's part, she was repulsed by the suggestion that anyone => would intentionally put the finger in the chili to try to scam the => fast-food chain. Way to contradict Mr. Nice Reporter, Ayala. He just claimed NO ONE IS SUGGESTING THAT. See if he gives you any more free publicity. => ``That is very sick, sick, sick,'' she said. "It's disgusting. => You're playing with the human race.'' This is why all multiplayer sports should be outlawed until we agree that every sports team should contain most one human, plus a whole bunch of evil chimps. (The Toronto Maple Leafs have already adopted that system.) => She still flinches at the memory of the cannibalistic mishap, => which occurred when she was at the Monterey Highway eatery => preparing to drop off her in-laws after a trip to Mexico. => => ``It's a taste I have never tasted in my whole life,'' she said. Um, hate to tell her this, but most people taste the inside of their own mouth 24 hours a day. Heck, KFC used to tell people they should lick their own fingers right in the restaurant. And also, as far as tasting _other_ people's fingers goes, here on the more civilized East Coast, we sometimes go to dentists. => While the county continues to track the ingredients Wendy's used => in its chili to find the source of the finger, the fast-food => outfit's representatives said they believe it didn't come from them. => => ``We contacted each one of our suppliers that provide ingredients => for chili, and each one of them told us they have had no employee => accidents involving the fingers or hand,'' said Denny Lynch. "Just noses, ears, and testicles, and we only use those in the chicken nuggets." -- K. You don't want to know what's in Wendy's hot sauce. But I'll tell you anyway... NOTHING is in their hot sauce. They seal up the packets while they're still empty, then wait for ghosts to fill them with tasteless invisible ectoplasm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 00:45:24 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a Žcrit: > > > > This is why all multiplayer sports should be outlawed until we > > agree that every sports team should contain most one human, > > plus a whole bunch of evil chimps. (The Toronto Maple Leafs > > have already adopted that system.) > > And the one human the Leafs contain is the dead corpse of Doug Gilmour. They used to have another dead player on the team, but he got ground up and made into some sort of consumer product with a hole in the middle. What do you call "donuts" in Canada? You would be proud of me. I just got back from dinner at a super-swanky French restaurant (thankfully, I didn't have to pay, since there's no way I could have afforded the $20 I paid for my duck leg) and I got through the entire dinner without making an ass of myself, although I did spill Perrier inside the sleeve of my leather jacket. Fortunately I can probably get the stain out if I put club soda on it. What do you call "club soda" in Canada? I'm not sure what duck confit is. It appeared to be a duck leg on top of some ordinary household lentils, with a zigzag of horseradish mayonnaise squiggled across the top. Also, 3/4 of the plate was taken up by a huge pile of some sort of dandelion-like lawn clippings. What do you call "mayonnaise" in Canada? I did not make the mistake of ordering steak tartare again this time. I've learned that it's not really steak. It's just hamburger. Also I still have not tried the escargot. I've seen them up close, and they even look disgusting. -- K. What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:49:52 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a Žcrit: > > > > What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? > > A rubber band? You mean every time I've had Howard Johnson's fried clams I've been eating escargot? Ewww. I'm never going to eat at Howard Johnson's again, even if I get hit on the head so hard that I travel back in time to the 1950s. -- K. (Why bother? It won't come when you call it. At least, not before you fall asleep.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 12:20:02 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now that's unusual. Most Wendy's locations have at least one > > employee with twelve fingers. > > This suddenly reminded me that I had a dream the other night about an > extra finger that I had noticed growing on my right hand and hadn't > looked at in a long time. I suddenly noticed it and uncurled it and it > was full-sized--with ANOTHER full-sized new finger next to it that I > hadn't even noticed. The freakiest part was when I noticed they were > both longer than my pinky and then found that they were actually twisted > out of order and folded them over into the middle of my hand where they > belonged. CHI-I-I-ILLER-ER-ER! Welcome to David Cronenberg's "Chilidrome". As in all his other movies, you can be expecting to grow a new penis-shaped brain lobe that gives you awesome mental powers and rapes giant millipedes while you sleep. Also the twist ending is that Jude Law is actually a > Then last night I dreamed that I went back to a parking garage for my > car, which, in the dream, was red, and it had somehow been cut in half > and the attendant was asking ME to explain how it happened. As I > examined the car, there was gradually less and less car left for me to > look at, until eventually there was just half of the frame, which was > part steel and part wood. You fool! You were supposed to spray your car with New Car Smell, not Ubik! If nothing else, at least switch from Ubik to Kontext-Away, which doesn't cost as many Reagan dollars! Now hurry up and frame your Fat Freddy's Cat poster before it gets torn. > > => ``It's a taste I have never tasted in my whole life,'' she said. > > > > Um, hate to tell her this, but most people taste the inside of > > their own mouth 24 hours a day. > > Maybe she never got pizza or hot chocolate hot enough to cook it before, > though. In that case, I feel sorry for her. I pity anyone who's never burned their mouth. -- K. Pain cleanses the palate. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 12:11:21 -0500 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > [...] > > What I don't understand is why anyone was eating Wendy's chili > in the first place. Because there's something exciting about finding right angles in your chili. > You want to know where all those greasy griddle crumbs go? > That's right, the stuff they scrape of the hamburger griddle goes > into the chili. You are not telling me the news. As I said, there are obvious corners (from their square hamburger patties) floating to the top in their chili cups. "Mmm! Chili with vertices!" If White Castle made chili, it would have holes in it, which would be a rip-off because you'd be paying for all that air. > It stretches the chili, not unlike mucous, and if it were not > for the occaision fleck of burnt, tortured meat and a hint of > tomato sauce, Wendy's chile would be 100% cholesterol. Wait a minute. Do you seriously believe there is a way to cook meat without torturing it? If there is, I bet it tastes as lame as tofu. > An Atkins orgasm! I didn't think people on the Atkins diet were even allowed to have bowel movements, let alone actual orgasms. > Hamburg itself is somewhat suspect. In German, "Hamburg" means > "not really a burg, but we had to call it something." Well, the > same went for our meat by products. And I'm not going anywhere > near the city of Frankfurt. Someone recently asked me why Buffalo wings are called that, and I explained that both those and potato chips were invented in Buffalo, and nobody liked calling them "Buffalo chips", so they put the name on the wings. Oh, and as far as that finger goes: It's Wendy's. Police are on the lookout for a gal who looks exactly like Pippi Longstocking but with only nine fingers, like a Yakuza. Yakuza Longstocking is the most terrifying creation ever invented and will be visiting you in your nightmares. -- K. John Candy could play Yakuza Longstocking, if he were not dead and not a total round-eye. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fun Fact! Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 04:05:13 -0500 If you've ever seen even a part of an episode of "American Idol", exactly five years later, your face will fall off. That was today's Fun Fact. Come back tomorrow to learn whether Michael Jackson is a robot! You _could_ be surprised. -- K. Those of you who live in England are lucky you don't get "American Idol". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Exciting new surprise hair color coming soon. Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 05:22:15 -0500 Well, I let the orange hair grow out -- and simultaneously fade -- for a few months as black emerged underneath it, giving me a nice shaggy lion look throughout March. But now that my hair is getting long, it's a good time to try something new and daring, since I'll want to cut it soon anyway -- if something goes wrong, I can just shave it all off. I'm going to try a new brand of dye, in a color I haven't done before -- a brilliant cyan, sort of an attempt at capturing the look of Cherenkov radiation. (I've done ultramarine blue once, but this will be trickier because it's a considerably lighter blue.) Because this brand of dye and this color of dye are both unknowns, I don't know exactly what I'll get (hopefully it won't fade to green.) You have a couple hours to join the betting pool as to which shade of blue (or green) will be the result of this jar of Punky Color Turquoise. (I don't actually want turquoise -- I want something like fluorescent cyan, and this dye looks like it's nicely loaded with cyan dye. No green in it, so if it's strong enough to cover up my bleach-blonde hair I don't think it'll come out green.) Anyway, place your bets now. You might win an acknowledgement that I read what you said! -- K. Is anyone else turned on by the Cherenkov effect? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new surprise hair color coming soon. Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 03:42:02 -0500 Hair color update: Well, I put the Punky Color Turquoise in. It smelled vile, like a 50/50 blend of finger paint and Robitussin. I left it in for 15-20 minutes, and shampooed. I got a nice rich cyan color. But! The stuff is evil. No matter how many times I rinsed, more blue color kept coming off and staining my face, neck, shoulders, and hands. I did about ten full shampoo cycles before blue water stopped running off, and I had to do a lot of scrubbing to remove the dye that had migrated onto various parts of my body. (My fingers are stained blue -- and that's just from the rinsing, since I wear gloves while applying.) I just know that a bunch more of this will transfer onto my pillow overnight, and I'm hoping it won't jump from my pillow onto my face. One of the best things about Manic Panic is that a couple shampoos are enough before it stops running out of my hair. This stuff just doesn't seem to be colorfast when wet. I'm not buying Punky Color again, even if it makes Soleil Moon Frye cry and lock herself inside an abandoned refrigerator. I look good in blue, but I still like the reds, oranges, and golds better. At last I can wear my blue-mirrored sunglasses. Oh, by the way, the bright blue hair makes my gray eyes look brown. -- K. Dammit, my fingernails are the color of Spock's baby booties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Free bacon, get it while it's burning Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 05:47:37 -0500 [apnews.myway.com] -> -> Wis. Professor to Test Stun Guns on Pigs -> -> Mar 28, 11:16 PM (ET) -> By Ryan J. FoleyÊ -> -> MADISON, Wis. (AP) -- A professor at the University of -> Wisconsin-Madison plans to study whether stun guns alone can kill -> pigs -- or whether other medical factors must be at play -- -> as part of an effort to understand why 70 people have died -> in North America since 2001 after being shocked by Tasers. -> -> Led by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, outraged -> animal rights activists are calling for an end to the two-year -> study by John Webster, a professor emeritus of biomedical -> engineering. Yeah, mysterious new weapons should only be tested on jaywalkers! -> Police hail stun guns as a nonlethal way to restrain unruly -> suspects. But critics blame the weapons for dozens of deaths, -> and police departments are reviewing how they use the devices, -> which shoot two small darts carrying about 50,000 volts of -> electricity to temporarily paralyze people. -> -> Webster wants to test his hypothesis that Taser-related deaths -> were the result of heart failure fueled by drug use and other -> medical factors, not electrocution by the devices. To do so, -> researchers will begin in the next month studying how Taser -> electrical currents flow through 150-pound pigs. I thought that cops already enjoyed taking turns shooting each other with Tasers as part of their training -- oh, they mean pig pigs, not uniform pigs. Never mind. -> Of three groups of pigs in the study, one will be given cocaine, -> one will be shocked with the devices, and one will be given both -> cocaine and electric blasts. Some will be subjected to Webster's -> "SuperTaser," up to 30 times as powerful as the model police use. Uh oh, now cops are going to want the "SuperTaser" too. Especially if it turns out to be good at making pigs SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!!! -> All pigs will be on anesthesia so they won't feel pain. Then that's not going to be nearly the same as what Tasers do, which is to not only jar your nerves with the electricity but also make you HURT LIKE HELL. I think the chances of someone's heart exploding from the terror and agony and stress of being tortured are a lot greater if they're able to feel the terror and agony and stress. All stunning a sleeping pig is going to do is demonstrate how easy it is to aim the Taser gun at a sleeping pig. -> "If the hypothesis is correct that Tasers do not electrocute the -> heart, then why are people dying in custody after they have been -> shot by Tasers? The people on our team have hypotheses why that's -> true and we intend to answer that question," Webster said. "Our -> goal is to save lives." Ben Franklin liked to demonstrate to his dinner guests how he could cook a whole turkey with his home-made electricity. And yet, nobody ever complained about it. I guess that means electrocuted meat tastes so good you can overlook how cruel it was. You know, like the way veal is delicious even if you know where it comes from. -> Animal rights activists say the study, funded by a $500,000 U.S. -> Department of Justice grant, is cruel and unnecessary. They plan -> protests on the UW-Madison campus starting this week. -> -> "Shocking more pigs is only going to add their numbers to the -> Taser-related death statistics," Patti Gilman, whose brother died -> after being shot with a Taser in British Columbia in June 2004, -> wrote in a letter to the school. "Robert's death never should have -> happened. And neither should these experiments." "We at PETA plan to build an organic, vegetable based time machine to ensure that Robert's death never happened. Then we're going to go kick Ben Franklin's ass." -> In a letter to PETA this month, UW-Madison Chancellor John Wiley -> said the study could have a significant impact on the use of stun -> guns. He said researchers have no other alternative than to use -> pigs, whose hearts are more like humans than any other species. There are plenty of alternatives! They could use Mexicans, or Canadians, or Australians... Geez, why did we even take over Abu Ghraib if we're not going to use it to advance the cause of science? Even the Nazis were clever enough to pretend they were doing scientific research when they were torturing innocent people to death! So if you oppose Americans Tasering sedated pigs, you must be as evil as Josef Mengele to want our government to Taser prisoners and/or Canadians. (If you selected Canadians, you're as evil as Josef Mengele plus Ewan Cameron. And that's pretty evil.) -> [...] -> -> While all the pigs will be filled with anesthesia, "Make that pi–ata squeal like a pig before it bursts, releasing free drugs for all the boys and girls!" -> they will be euthanized after the experiments, said Webster, -> who predicted about 30 pigs would be used. The research could -> create a computer model that would eliminate the need for more -> animal testing, he said. -> -> "I think this is an outstanding example of one of those questions -> that can only be answered using animals," said Eric Sandgren, a -> UW-Madison professor who heads a committee that oversees animal -> research. "Boy, there's been a lot of deaths from this. If the -> alternative is to go back to using bullets, let's find out how to -> make this safe." We could start by telling cops they can't use Tasers on any 5-year-olds or 95-year-olds. -> That's a worthy goal, but researchers should instead study humans -> who have survived Taser shocks and autopsy reports of those who -> died, said Laura Yanne of PETA. She promised an "unprecedented" -> protest on Tuesday, but would not release details. -> -> "Subjecting pigs to cruel experiments is not the way to go on -> this. It's so obvious," she said. "This is a half-million dollar -> boondoggle." Yeah, that's way too much to pay, especially what with the researchers getting free bacon. I think that if the PETA chick thinks it's "obvious" that this is "not the way to go on this" she should suggest an alternative form of research that doesn't involving shocking animals or people who aren't PETA members. I bet she's not willing to take one shock to save a pig, let alone save a Canadian. -- K. Tasers are illegal to sell in Massachusetts, but what about SuperTasers? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Fat hoax alert! Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 17:38:58 -0500 Though this is certainly a hoax, I'm going to respond to it as if it's real because I like to hear myself type. It's fun to play along! Plus I thought up all these sarcastic remarks during the two seconds between when I started reading the article and when I realized it was obviously fake. (There are no other Web pages about this alleged controversy, no other mentions of this alleged medical journal, the article is written in a style that's a dead giveaway, and the domain name is registered to what claims to be a TV station in Louisiana.) Anyway, if I play along and pretend it's real maybe some newspaper will plagiarize my comments when they fall for the hoax and can't find any other sources to quote. [www.pnmj.org] -> -> Curing Obesity through Sterility: California's Controversial -> Program Under the Microscope -> -> Beginning last November, the city of San Francisco began a program -> whereupon clinically obese men between the ages of 18 and 55 could -> undergo a procedure whereupon approximately 1/2 an inch is removed -> from each vas and the ends are sealed -- commonly referred to as a -> vasectomy -- completely free of charge. The overwhelming turnout -> led the State of California to follow suit, and now California is -> the first state in the Union to offer state-funded vasectomies to -> men who have been diagnosed as obese. But risk of unplanned pregnancy was the only thing keeping women from jumping into bed with every clinically obese man they see! -> Why would a state adopt such a controversial program? The basis is -> simple: vasectomy is a popular method of birth control (in 1983, -> figures showed that approximately 10 million men had been -> sterilized in the U.S. since 1969). EVERYONE LIKES VASECTOMY! THEREFORE YOU HAVE VASECTOMY NOW! WE APPLY PEER PRESSURE TO YOUR TESTICLES! *CRUNCH* -> By offering such a highly effective form of birth control freely -> to men who, by clinical diagnosis, have been deemed genetically -> inferior to the normalized median of homo sapien development, -> such a gene line would effectively be eliminated. Thank goodness San Francisco also plans to make it impossible to get fat through any non-genetic means. They're banning red meat, chocolate, sugar, cigarettes, and... (Kibo thinks for a moment, because he always has trouble recalling details of Sylvester Stallone movies) ...and sex and swearing. Also all restaurants will be Taco Bell. It's a good thing San Francisco isn't really run by a mumbling action-movie star. That's just California -- San Francisco is different from the rest of California, because it's even more like California than the rest of California is. Anyway, I envision the noble civic leaders of San Francisco building an army of gay robots to exterminate the people who are "genetically inferior", including anyone in the top fifty percentiles of fatness, the top fifty percentiles of ugliness, the top fifty percentiles of stupidness, and the top fifty percentiles of loudness. The remaining six people in the city will live in perfect harmony, and they'll have such a super time shopping at the Gap, especially since the Gap will only have to carry one size of pants. When you "by clinical diagnosis, have been deemed genetically inferior", do you get a certificate, or do they just rubber-stamp your forehead? And if there's a long waiting list for vasectomies, do you have be kept in San Francisco's Camp For Genetically Inferior Fatasses (to be built on the former site of Oakland)? -> The program's roots began in countries such as India and China, Oh, and we know what utopias _those_ places are. San Francisco should mimic all their social trends, such as people enthusiastically smearing themselves with cow poop and drinking their own urine, crushing protesters with tanks, selling their children to sneaker factories, and making movie musicals with unlistenably distorted shrieking soundtracks. India suggests a cheap solution -- just declare fat people "Untouchables". China suggests an even cheaper one with absolutely zero cost -- have all fat people shot in the back of the head, then bill their families for the bullet. Yeah, San Francisco wants to be a utopia just like those shitholes. -> where the respective governments of those countries are attempting -> to stem the tide of overpopulation. Sums of money are paid to men -> who submit to voluntary vasectomy. Yes, but unlike San Francisco, they don't pay by the pound. Ohmigawd, I just realized who's behind this conspiracy -- The Ground Round! "Kids pay what they way, and their dad gets his macaroni clipped to ensure we'll never need more than three seats at any table!" -> The program is highly effective, given that the incentives -> for action are both a limit to overcrowding (societal concern) -> and monetary gain (personal concern). Given the effectiveness, -> The San Francisco Medical Society took note and took action. ...because San Francisco is facing a problem every bit as dire as the massive overpopulation in Asia: skinny people are having to look at fat people. Eww!!! They're taking up a larger than average part of my field of view, so I'm having to use more rods and cones than necessary to see them! -> Nationally recognized geneticist William A. Doty and clinician -> Joseph Peacock began a program in private practice whereupon -> overweight men in the Bay Area could receive vasectomies free of -> charge. They later made up this bullshit about it being a eugenics program to cover up their fetish for handling fat men's testicles. (To say nothing about using the toenail clippers.) -> Their philosophy: When engaging in clinical decision making, -> physicians tend to value primarily information about the -> effect of treatments on physiological functioning and disease -> progression, rather than information about the impact on the -> patient's quality of life [9-11]. (Note: That's a pointer to the citations at the end of the article, not something about how we have to sterilize fat men or Al-Qaeda wins.) -> By focusing on the quality of life of future generations, we fart on the Hippocratic Oath? -> greatly improve the psychological impact of genetics on the -> human condition. The response was positive, and they published -> the results of the clinical trials in the San Francisco Medical -> Society's Journal. Soon, other private care physicians spoke in -> favor of Doty's controversial new theory on the cure for obesity, Why not just sterilize _everyone_? That would cure _all_ diseases in future generations! In 100 years, nobody would complain! -> which led to the program's establishment as a city-funded -> project and eventually lead to the State of California's -> Committee for Exploratory Medicine to set aside funds to -> trial the project on a State level. The governor will probably say something like, "Why bodder? All men should chust take stay-woids so deir testicles shrivel up like raizinz, 'cause if you don't take stay-woids you're a girly man." Except he'll do it with a heavy accent. -> Of course, the major concerns for such a practice reside in the -> psychological factors as they pertain to the patient. Researchers -> have examined the possible negative physiological effects of -> vasectomy, but there is no conclusive evidence that any link -> exists between the procedure and disease. Study after study -> reports positive states of minds in observed cases, thus the -> psychological basis for barring such a practice is rendered -> ineffective. A major challenge for physicians when dealing with -> quality-of-life measures in subjects is that many patients with -> serious and persistent disabilities (such as obesity) report that -> they experience a good or excellent quality-of-life, when to -> external observers these individuals seem to have a diminished -> quality of life. Translation: "Fat people are such jerks because they disagree with us when we call them disabled, genetically inferior sub-humans!" -> Two articles examining this disability paradox [14] critique -> this paradox, and it has been established that often -> times, the physician involved must make a determination on their -> own as to the best interest of the subject. Thus far, the program -> has been purely voluntary, which means that people who undergo the -> procedure are doing so of their own free will "Free" as in "people we don't like get sterilized for FREE! Normal people pay cash." -> and thus emphatically understand that they have a low quality -> of life. Okay, this is the point where it should be obvious solely from internal clues that this is an elaborate hoax. A real journal article might still be this sarcastically demeaning, but would also give a precise numerical measurement of exactly how awful fat people's lives are. There would be some actual numbers and graphs to prove fat guys deserve to have their balls bitten. But still this thing's a good enough hoax to have been taken seriously by the 90% of blogs that are extreme-right-wing political rants or extreme-left-wing political rants. I say anyone who didn't figure out this was a hoax should be sterilized. -> If we are to make this procedure mandatory, we must -> clearly draw the lines where physician judgment is concerned. -> -> And what of societal concerns? The medical community at large have -> long established that obesity has surpassed the levels of simple -> concern and has become an epidemic. Children born of obese parents -> inherit genes predisposed to physiology which supports obesity -- -> thus, eliminating such a gene line from the overall pool would -> greatly benefit society in the long run. Why not just ship the fat people to an enemy country, like Iraq or England? Then our society will get twice as much improvement, relative to the country where we dump our fatties. -> When establishing such a program, simple concerns still remain, -> such as the possibility that those undergoing vasectomy for -> reasons of obesity and gene-line cleansing might have preserved -> their fertility by depositing semen in sperm banks. Such semen -> samples are frozen in liquid nitrogen below -300 F (-185 F) and -> are considered to be viable for an indefinite period. However, -> there is considerable debate over the scientific and ethical -> aspects of sperm freezing, and the practice is still considered -> experimental. To truly cure the epidemic of obesity through this -> manner, the community at large would need to properly motivate our -> representative lobbyists in Washington to make such a practice -> illegal. I think someone screwed up their conversion from Fahrenheit to Fahrenheit. And the editor didn't catch it. Know why? Because he's FAT! -> One potential solution to the permanence of sterility would be -> conjunctive reproductive analysis based on the physical condition -> of the subject. Efforts to overcome the irreversibility of -> vasectomy have also led to experimentation with the implantation -> of faucetlike devices that can be made to open or close the sperm -> duct in a simple operation. Such devices have functioned -> successfully in animals but are still considered experimental in -> humans because of their unproved reversibility, high cost, and the -> degree of surgical skill needed to implant them. Should sufficient -> strides be made in this field, it could be monumental in the -> motivational efforts of the medical community to bring clinically -> obese people to a sufficient level of fitness by rewarding such -> people with permission to procreate and switching on the control -> valves implanted in the subject. It shouldn't be a valve, it should be a transistor, so that Shockley can get credit for both halves of this idea. -> So the question of whether or not sterility is valid and socially -> responsible solution to the obesity epidemic plaguing this country -> no longer remains. The physicians' job, as professor M. Sullivan -> from the University of Washington said, is "to focus on patients' -> lives rather than patients' bodies" [8]. It is paramount that the -> overall condition of life for people be improved to the point -> where poor genes do not hold one back from proper development of -> fitness and overall well-being. The State of California has -> established commitment to this way of thinking -- and this -> researcher only hopes that the rest of the nation follows suit. -> -> Joseph Williams That's the sort of generic made-up fake name that indicates below-average creativity. Have him sterilized. -> References -> -> 1. Abbott JA, Hawe J, Garry R. Quality of life should be -> considered the primary outcome for measuring success of -> endometrial ablation. J Am Assoc Gynecol Laparosc. -> 2003;10:491-495. -> -> 2. Bombardier C. Outcome assessments in the evaluation of -> treatment of spinal disorders. Introduction. Spine. -> 2000;25:3097-3099. -> -> 3. Greenfield S, Nelson EC. Recent developments and future issues -> in the use of health status assessment measures in clinical -> settings. Med Care. 1992;30 (5 Suppl):MS23-41. -> -> 4. Hollnagel H, Malterud K. Shifting attention from objective risk -> factors to patients' self-assessed health resources: a clinical -> model for general practice. Fam Pract. 1995;12:423-429. -> -> 5. Nelson ND, Trail M, Van JN, Appel SH, Lai EC. Quality of life -> in patients with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis: perceptions, -> coping resources, and illness characteristics. J Palliat Med. -> 2003;6:417-424. -> -> 6. Bovier PA, Chamot E, Perneger TV. Perceived stress, internal -> resources, and social support as determinants of mental health -> among young adults. Qual Life Res. 2004;13:161-170. -> -> 7. Hesselink AE, Penninx BW, Schlosser MA, et al. The role of -> coping resources and coping style in quality of life of patients -> with asthma or COPD. Qual Life Res. 2004;13:509-518. -> -> 8. Sullivan M. The new subjective medicine: taking the patient's -> point of view on health care and health. Soc Sci Med. -> 2003;56:1595-1604. -> -> 9. Van der Molen T, Pieters W, Bellamy D, Taylor R. Measuring the -> success of treatment for chronic obstructive pulmonary -> disease--patient, physician and healthcare payer perspectives. -> Respir Med. 2002;96 Suppl C:S17-21. -> -> 10. Rameckers E. Using health outcomes data to inform -> decision-making: patient perspective. Pharmacoeconomics. 2001;19 -> Suppl 2:53-55. -> -> 11. Solomon MJ, Pager CK, Keshava A, et al. What do patients want? -> Patient preferences and surrogate decision making in the treatment -> of colorectal cancer. Dis Colon Rectum. 2003;46:1351-1357. -> -> 12. Wilson IB, Cleary PD. Linking clinical variables with -> health-related quality of life. A conceptual model of patient -> outcomes. JAMA. 1995;273:59-65. -> -> 13. Beauchamp T, Childress J. Principles of Biomedical Ethics. 5th -> ed. New York , Oxford : Oxford University Press; 2001:113-164. -> -> 14. Albrecht GL, Devlieger PJ. The disability paradox: high -> quality of life against all odds. Soc Sci Med. 1999;48:977-988. Similarly, if "Joseph Williams" had done his homework, I'm sure he could have dug up at least _one_ citation that had something to do with fat people. If nothing else, he could have quoted the Guinness Book. -> The viewpoints expressed on this site are those of the authors and -> do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Pacific -> Northwest Medical Association. Uh huh. It must be real, it's got a disclaimer. -- K. The reason they only want to sterilize fat men and not women is that fatness is only inherited from your father's side, or technically, from your father's ass. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: made-up TV news factoid of the day Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 17:52:16 -0500 "The weight of your mattress typically doubles every ten years from the accumulation of dust mites, dust, and other yucky things." I shall now patent the ultimate weapon: A 999-year-and-364-day-old mattress. Just drop it on an enemy country and wait overnight, and then the next morning when it doubles in mass it'll fall through the Earth's crust, flooding the evil country with a mixture of lava, magma, and other yucky things. -- K. What's so yucky about dust? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Shazbot! Why didn't you people tell me about this? Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:00:48 -0500 "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story Of Mork & Mindy", a two-hour TV-movie with some Canadian guy playing Captain Shazbot himself, will be shown on NBC Monday night. As a Canadian radio station reported, [www3.cjad.com] -> -> TORONTO (CP) -- Other actors stayed away in droves, but for -> Toronto-born Chris Diamantopoulos it was the opportunity of a -> lifetime to bid "na nu, na nu" to obscurity. Hey! I've been saying all of Mork's catchphrases ever day since the 1970s, it hasn't made me famous, or even Canadian! -> [...] -> -> There are plenty of other photo-realistic portrayals in the -> story, too, including those of Belushi, Henry Winkler's Fonzie, -> Pam Dawber's Mindy, producer-director Garry Marshall and -> Penny (Laverne) Marshall. Fake Fonzie is the sort of concept that makes my brain's skin crawl. -> Other real-life characters like John Travolta and Robert De Niro -> are referenced only, and there are other cosmetic changes made for -> legal reasons. -> -> "The suspenders are slightly different, the emblem on the Mork -> costume is different, there are a lot of subtle differences that -> had to change," says Diamantopoulos, who maintains that otherwise, -> everything has been cleared 100 per cent. There's a picture with the article. The rainbows on Mork's suspenders now have the rainbow in a different order -- white, blue, red, yellow, red, blue, white. I guess this means Mork invented the idea of a rainbow having more than four different colors in it. He's going to sue anyone who ever takes a photo of a rainbow that looks like a rainbow! Also, I can't wait to see what the just-slightly-changed-for-legal-reasons version of Colonel Green's Eugenics Wars hand-me-down jumpsuit looks like. Will it be red but with a big silver square instead of a triangle? And won't that make Mork into the world's most childlike Teletubby? -> "The movie is a dramatic interpretation of the events, so it's not -> verbatim what happened, it's just sort of a loose idea of what may -> have occurred." "For instance, we don't know how many pounds of cocaine Robin Williams snorted before each episode. So we just say it was more than two but less than seven." -> Even Williams's original material could not be used (although -> there are familiar bits like Mork's famous "Na nu, na nu" goodbye -> and "Carpe diem -- that's fish of the day"). So the writer let -> Diamantopoulos contribute some of his own Robin-like improv mania. Hmm. If he actually did any real improv, then he's _nothing_ like Robin Williams, whose standup act used to have the same "improv" every night. By the way, I do a pretty good impression of Jim Carrey as Chris Diamantopoulos as Robin Williams as Mork, but the lawyers said I had to wear plaid suspenders because otherwise my impression would be so good it would make people cry. -- K. You may now tip your tripla to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New "Doctor Who" quits already Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:13:39 -0500 According to the BBC, Christopher Eccleston has announced he's quitting the new "Doctor Who" show after the "grueling" schedule of the first thirteen-episode season. So expect an episode where the character trips and hits his head on the toilet and then gets all shimmery and regenerates into an actor with a different accent. AND REMEMBER TIME LORDS CAN ONLY REGENERATE TWELVE TIMES AND SINCE THE NEW GUY WILL BE THE TENTH ACTOR TO PLAY HIM IF WE DON'T COUNT THE GUY FROM THE STAGE PLAY AND THE GUY FROM THE MOVIES AND THE GUY IN THE COMIC BOOKS THIS MEANS THERE CAN ONLY BE THREE MORE DOCTORS AND THEN THE SERIES HAS TO END FOREVER BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GIVE A TIME LORD MORE THAN TWELVE REGENERATIONS THEY SAID SO IN AN EPISODE!!!!! -- K. <-- please pretend this is a different size capital than the others so this won't be all-caps P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!! CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON DIDN'T REALLY QUIT!!! HE JUST GOT SHOT IN THE BACK BY A CROSSBOW!!! TUNE IN TO SEE HOW THAT DALEK HELD HIS CROSSBOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An editorial I liked this week. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:41:39 -0500 Usually around April Fool's Day, editorials get lame-wacky, but here's one which happens to be actually-Kibologically-wacky despite being published the same week as April Fool's Day. It's from the Salt Lake City Weekly. [www.slweekly.com] -> -> My Living Will -> -> by Joe Bartenhagen -> -> Life is a sacred thing. Particularly, I would like to point out, -> my life. So no one should kill me -- no matter what. -> -> Even if I'm totally begging to be killed, and you're like, "Well, -> it'd be pretty easy to kill this guy," don't. It can be tempting -> sometimes, I know. But even if my brain has turned into a bowl of -> Wisconsin cheese soup and every important bodily function of mine -> is conducted via rubber tubing, my life is a very special thing -> and I still have a lot to add. -> -> Sure, if I'm in a persistent vegetative state, I may not be -> someone you want to invite to your party, but I can still do many -> important things like blink, moan and defecate via some rubber -> tubing -- all of which can be fun at parties. Still don't want to -> invite me to your party? Well, I probably wouldn't even want to -> come, anyway. And it would be hard for me to get there, too, since -> my arms and legs wouldn't work. -> -> I've told my wife how sacred my life is and how, even if I'm in a -> coma for 30 years, she shouldn't kill me or date or move on in any -> way. And she promises she won't. But I wonder. -> -> She seems like a nice lady, but I've seen indications that she -> could very well be a plug-puller. For instance, a beloved family -> fish of ours recently fell victim to a vicious flushing by her -> hand. Sure, he had taken to spending most of his time floating -> belly up on the surface of his fish bowl with one eye closed. But -> his other eye was open and he could still move his fin a little. -> Using my completely foolproof slippery slope line of reasoning -> (e.g., legalization of gay marriage will inevitably lead to the -> world catching on fire and Satan ruling over us all from his -> velvet throne), if she can flush a fish, would it be so hard to -> see her flushing me down a metaphorical toilet? Or even a real -> one? -> -> As a precaution against this happening, I carry a note with me at -> all times, spelling out my wishes should I fall into a lengthy coma: -> -> "If you're reading this letter, I am probably in a persistent -> vegetative state. But wait: Perhaps, I am only very, very drunk. -> Have I recently demanded taquitos? Have I made a clumsy grab at -> your breasts? If the answer to both of these questions is no, -> chances are I am in apersistent vegetative state. (Just to be extra -> sure, poke me with a stick.) Either way, though, don't kill me! -> -> "Is my wife nearby? Is she with someone cute? Does he have a -> bigger penis than me? Ask casually -- try not to make a big deal -> about it. But if he does (I'm somewhere between 4 centimeters and -> a foot), shoo them both away from the plugs that govern my life -> functions! Did my wife's boyfriend run away like a girl? That -> figures. But that's what you get with a penis like that. -> -> "If my parents are there, see if they remember the time I flunked -> out of college and cost them $10,000. Does my mom remember the -> time I got her cigarettes for Mother's Day? Does my dad remember -> the time I was playing third base in Little League, and I wet my -> pants? Again, ask casually. If they remember any of this, get them -> out of the room immediately -- and wait for my persistent vegetative -> state to come to a sudden end." I'd just like to point out that if I'm ever in a persistent vegetative state, that's okay, but if I'm in a pedantic vegetative state, someone should unplug my computer so I won't bother the rest of the Internet. Also, if I ever enter a persistently vegetarian state against my will, I want all my friends to stuff White Castle burgers into me to make me well again. -- K. CNN.com headline right now: => => Ms. Wheelchair stripped of title for standing up Apparently the Ms. Wheelchair pageant is funded by doctors and wheelchair salesmen who want to pressure people in wheelchairs _not_ to get better. These wheelchair people don't know their place! They need to stay down there so we can keep looking over the tops of their heads to ignore them! SIT, WHEELCHAIR PERSON! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:02:58 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > So we have been invited to a lesbeen wedding. All of us? Cool. I'm gonna head right on over to the Sears tool department to do my shopping, especially because it'll make the Sears's employee's head explode when I tell them why I'm buying the pliers, due to half their brain being unable to handle the concept of an alternative lifestyle and the other half being unable to figure out what "pliers" look like. > A colleague of Vlad's and her partner (also an academic, God love them) > are having one a them alternative weddings--- a "casual event" they say. > So. > > I can handle any kind of het wedding you throw at me. There's only two kinds. Regular and shotgun. And the latter only happen on special two-part sitcom episodes. > I know what to wear what time of the day in what venue, Hint: No pajamas at the dinner table. > and pretty much what kind of gift to fork over. Don't you have a local store that sells just stuff for lesbians? Like Grand Opening in Brookline or Sears in Stupidland? > But this isn't going to be a sun-dress-and-picture-hat-in-the-garden > or a cocktail-dress-and-strappy-heels-at-the-hotel kind of event. And > gifts? I'm not even sure which one is the bride. *sigh* MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH IS THE WOMAN, AND IS IT BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE??? > So--- suggestions? > > It's at the end of April. Weather here will be iffy. As usual. Then dress in layers. Sheesh, do we have to do everything for you just because you've never had a lesbian look at you? I call on all lesbians on a.r.k to start stalking Darla and commenting on every aspect of what's wrong with her wardrobe to help her get comfortable. -- K. Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:42:38 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? > > Queer Eye for the Mortician? I've been saying for months that the TV networks need to do "Queer Eye For The Blind Guy", but noooooo, that's apparently too tasteless for them so they just keep showing "Fear Factor" and "CSI". Me, I want to do "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Guy", where I'd travel around saving people from wheat germ and convincing them to taste the bacon. "Fear Factor" has all those segments where people are forced to eat rhino rhectums, but this would be less disgusting to watch even though the vegetarian contestants would still be just as grossed out. Also I'd go into their fridge and throw out anything that's good for them. And a year later, we'd revisit all the contestants and the one who'd gained the most weight would win a year's supply of Doritos. "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Eye" would air back-to-back with "Third Eye For The Buddhist Guy", where we'd force people to experience nirvana (using the leftover bacon from the other show.) Also there should be "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy", where people who brag about not owning TV sets would be strapped down "Clockwork Orange" style and shown the twenty top-rated programs so we could watch them scream. -- K. Especially if "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy" ever makes it into the top 20. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:45:42 -0500 Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, here's a news article. [www.news24.com] -> -> Man tucks into corpse -> -> Bangkok -- A 50-year-old ex-convict found eating a partially -> cremated corpse in northeastern Thailand was arrested but freed -> without charge because police could not find a law against -> cannibalism, police said on Wednesday. I think there needs to be a song about this. The lyrics would write themselves. It would like like the old Nick At Nite jingle that had the "Happy Days" clips -- "You can say it to a date who is a dope (Sit on it, Potsie!) or even indirectly say it to comedian Bob Hope (Bob Hope can sit on it!)" Except that in this case it would be something about how "you can even eat stringy old Bob Hope (Bob Hope on a stick!)" -> Sakorn Piengphon was arrested and questioned after he was found -> two weeks ago eating the body of Kote Nonthasorn, who had been -> cremated but whose body had not completely burned, police Major -> Suphakorn Hiengboon told AFP. Oh, so that's why I haven't heard about Dracula Land lately! l'AFP has switched to cranking out articles about the joys of cannibalism! Why is this French news agency so interested? Because they love cannibalism in France! Except they ruin it by putting mayonnaise all over it. -> But because Thailand has no law specifically banning cannibalism, -> Suphakorn said the man was released without charge. -> -> "I don't know what to charge him with," Suphakorn said. -> -> "He appeared in a poor mental state. I have asked the provincial -> psychiatrist to check on his mental health," he said. -> -> Sakron was found in the act of eating Kote's unburned organs the -> day after the cremation, when Kote's relatives went back to the -> cemetery to ensure the body had burned completely and to collect -> her ashes, Suphakorn said. Didn't Captain Nemo once serve Kirk Douglas "Puree Of Unborn Octopus with Unburned Organs"? -> The cemetery in Nakhon Phanom -- an impoverished and -> drought-stricken town 740 kilometres northeast of Bangkok near the -> Laos border -- has no crematorium, and bodies sometimes fail to -> burn completely unless the funeral pyre is attended to constantly. -> -> Sakorn was released from prison last year after serving more than -> 15 years on charges of killing his mother. But still, it's nice to see that he's staying within the letter of the law now that he's a nice guy. -> He told police he ate the body because he was starving as his -> family had ostracised him since his release, Suphakorn said. Classic excuses for cannibalism: 1. ostracism 2. peer pressure 3. nothing good on TV 4. having first accidentally Krazy-Glued your eyes shut so you don't realize who you're eating -- K. Just don't tell Hannibal Lecter to "sit on it", much less "bite me". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:19:39 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, > > here's a news article. > > > > [...] > > > > I think there needs to be a song about this. > > This is a bit of a rush job. Can someone improve it? > > Out in Thailand, the cuisine is really quite nice. > You can eat like a king at a miserly price, > And all around Bangkok they've all heard the news > Of Mr. Sakron's unique barbequeues. > > Mr. Sakron, his judgements are rarely misplaced. > He seeks out the folks who have really good taste. > And critics with him may at times disagree, > But he settles them down with a Tums or three. > > Mr. Sakron's a boss whose demands are severe. > If you're not what he wants then you're out on your ear; > For his needs are exacting, and his appetite's vast, > And that's why he goes through his waiters so fast. > > His reputation is growing, his fame is worldwide > For there's no greater expert on how to treat your insides > And that's why I've no doubt that if you've read the news > You've heard of M. Sakron's unique barbequeues. Needs more Bob Hope. And meecrob. And Gene Rayburn dressed like a giant squid. And the cast of "Lost In Space" fighting the cast of "Batman" with guns that fire entire houses. And the world's smallest violin playing Mozart's Unlistenable Symphony. And the song should give you candy whenever you hear it. If it needs more improvement, that'll be an additional five dollars. -- K. What, you didn't rhyme "Sakron" with "Akron"? Needs a Goodyear blimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:36:49 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote (quoted in full): > > Thats fucking retarted. > there is no apolo on the oon for one thing. oron. -- K. (Is this a record?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 09:27:35 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > KiBoooo yer a fool all year. > Biboo is the pupet that stabed the king and made kids cry. > BOO BOO Kiboo Your Yogi Bear impression doesn't fool me. For one thing, you're too poorly-animated even to be Yogi Bear. For another, you're less smart than the average bear. -- K. To which king do you refer? The King of Science (Archie), The King of Terror (Me), or the Burger King (just some pervert who sneaks into men's beds while holding a greasy egg sandwich)?