From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Special shoes for walking on lava Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:30:41 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > How about quoting some of what you're replying to, so we know what the > > hell you're talking about? > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. Oh, you're mean. I thought about mocking him for that, but then I realized that maybe he was handicapped, so I couldn't bring myself to tell him to learn to read, 'cause I don't know, maybe he's trying to read Braille without any fingers or toes or tongue or penis. And then I felt bad about not mocking Kevin, because anyone who implies he _should_ understands what we're talking about is clearly a bozo. Does anyone ever have an idea what I'm talking about? Didn't think so. Keep it that way! -- K. I want special shoes for walking _under_ lava. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kevin S. Wilson eats worms and has fleas (was: Special shoes for walking on lava) Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 03:39:16 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > > > How about quoting [BLAH BLAH BLAH] what the hell you're talking about? > > > > Because, you know, the Subject: header is really far away from the text. > > After two or three follow-ups, any given message in ARK no longer has > much relevance to the subject line. Dude, if you think these "messages" (which are technically called "screenful wackies") have any "relevance", anywhere, ever, throughout the Universe and its neighboring Multiverses, you have a serious reality deficiency that can be corrected only when you realize you've been misspelling "relavence". A.r.k articles have plenty of relavence, which is a relaxing cadence: "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" "Poor Spot!" "Waah!" If that's not a soothing lullaby, I don't know what is! -- K. And now, a complete Spot story from that planet where they have nothing but nouns: Spot match fart boom tears death. They also have the same story on the planet where "tears" is the only verb. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: gunge manages to offend Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 01:51:37 -0500 [www.mailonsunday.co.uk] -> -> Viewer rage at 'birth scene' on children's TV -> -> Children's TV show Dick and Dom in da Bungalow has been -> criticised for a scene involving a pretend birth. "Dear BBC, I am eight years old and I demand to see _real_ birth! Show the birth on BBC1 and the afterbirth on BBC2!" -> About 40 viewers complained to the BBC about the sketch from the -> programme last weekend. -> -> On Saturday's show, sketch presenter Dick, played by Richard -> McCourt, 'gave birth' to a dozen babies. Yeah, well, men have to take so many fertility drugs to get pregnant that it's inevitable that they have a litter of twelve. -> McCourt lay on an operating table as buckets of gunge were thrown -> over co-host Dominic Wood and the show's six young contestants -> from between his outspread legs. -> -> The babies were then thrown around the set along with the gunge, -> described as "creamy muck muck". This sounds like the most brilliant mutation of the genre of British gunge shows yet -- a pregnant man giving birth to dodectuplets and fat-free custard substitute that his vagina hurls across the room by the bucketful. It symbolizes the deep meaning of life, which is something about stuff going splat. -> The BBC said the show was fulfilling its remit to entertain -> children. Most British TV isn't entertaining for children or other living things. Heck, the BBC can't even decide whether their most famous children's show, "Doctor Who", is a children's show or just crappy. -> A spokeswoman said: "Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow is one CBBC's -> most popular shows. -> -> "It is pure fun and entertainment, aimed at 8-12 year olds, so it -> is unsurprising that it doesn't appeal to some adults. I think it should be aimed at 8-to-12-year-olds who are wearing velveteen tuxedos and other fine clothing that the gunge would really mess up. -> "It gives children a chance to laugh and enjoy themselves at the -> start of the weekend and we have many letters and emails of -> appreciation for the show, from both children and their parents. -> -> "We take our responsibility to children and their parents very -> seriously. I hope they don't take their "creamy muck muck" too seriously... "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE GUNGED BY OUR IMPORTED BLEND OF HAND-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MUCK MUCK!" -> "Any criticisms are always looked into, but have to be addressed -> in the context of the target audience for the show and its remit -> to entertain children." -> -> A viewer's complaint was upheld against the duo earlier this year -> after they appeared nearly naked on the CBBC channel. The complaint was, "Nudity's boring and hardly erotic at all compared to gunge! Sincerely, My Parents." -> Wood has also been criticised in the past for wearing a T-shirt -> with a sexual slogan while hosting the programme, which is broadcast -> on Saturday mornings on BBC1 and on Sundays on the CBBC channel. -> -> The duo are set to present an updated version of the classic quiz -> show Ask the Family on BBC2 later this year. I don't know that show. Does it involve creamy muck muck gunge, or just creamy muck gunge? The ultimate goal of science is to create creamy muck muck muck gunge, which would be so messy that you could only safely walk across a puddle of it if you're wearing muk-muk-luk-luks. -- K. And now, a Benny Hill moment: What's browne and sounds like a belle? GUNGE!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is not happy Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 02:13:48 -0500 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com) sort of wrote: > > I guess > > curses > > my theories > faqy > odu Kurt, the letters are falling off the little plastic sign in your brain. I'd tell you what to do about it, but you'd say I was just being mean, and also, you'd complain that it's difficult to get both gallons of alphabet soup all the way up your nose. > when God is not happy you better hide but you can not hide What about when God is gassy? -- K. (God likes Korean food.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: God is not happy Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:20:13 -0500 In sci.physics, (kurtstocklmeir@netzero.com) wrote: > > It is not good to make God not happy. People pay for it with what they > have. > > God wants people to be good and fair. No I don't. > God does not want dishonest police, judges and districts attorneys to > abuse people. Yes I do. > God does not like not fair laws. God does not like dishonest jails. > God does not like not fair punishment. In which sense of the word "fair"? > God does not like people to look the other way when they see bad people > abusing people. In which sense of the word "bad"? > God will punish the whole groups if some of the groups is dishonest. What if some of the groups have poor grammar? > All the time God is hurting people, killing people and destroying > people to create justice. Not all the time. Sometimes there's something good on TV. > I guess - all the time - for the U.S. - God is hurting people, killing > people and destroying people - because police abuse people. So your theory is that police are God? I hate to tell you this, but I'm not a cop. I'm just God. Hope you're not disappointed. > When people do not do some thing about dishonest police abusing people > - God - extra - hurts people - kills people - destroys people. Please tell us more about this "extra-hurting" of people. Is it like the difference between "hot" and "extra-hot" taco sauce? I've never understood why both have to exist when everyone knows that if you want hot sauce, of course hotter is better. > Curses make things fair. God creates curses when innocent people are > abused. I guess a lot of times God lets the devil create curses > against people to create justice. Never mind that, go back to the extra-hurt sauce. Is the cap on the bottle color-coded? And do they still sell that brand of salsa that had the blue lid for "extra-mild" and tasted like Kool-Aid? > There are a lot of curses that are creating justice. > > A big sin - a person sees a person abused by dishonest people and the > person looks the other way. God gets extremely upset when people look > the other way. They are guilty. They will pay for it. I'll accept large or small bills. > Good people need to tell people that they need to fight dishonest > people or God will destroy them. You're violating Rule 1 of Smite Club: Don't talk about Smite Club. Also don't talk about Smite Club with your mouth full. Especially if your mouth is full of the bodies of dead animals and extra-mild sauce. > Fight bad people or get destroyed by God. > > When God is not happy look out because people will be destroyed. That > is fair. It's like a Renaissance Fair without the Renaissance part but with all the smiting! > I guess God has created curses against my theories. It could be true > God will let the devil create a curse against any person who talks > about any of my theories and the family of the person for 3 or 4 > generations. Haw haw, orphans are allowed to admit you're an idiot. All those orphans in the complete works of Charles Dickens are pointing and laughing. > There are curses against people associated with ODU. I guess because > of that curses have spread to NASA - things they make - > people who work for NASA and their families. I guess a lot of planes > and helicopers are going to crash to create justice. But it would also create a mess. And who would clean it up? Are you volunteering? > Do not kiss any person who has bodies of animals between their teeth. So if I pull out all my teeth, I can still eat chicken wings and get kisses from everyone else who likes the taste of extra-hot wings? > God is extremely upset. Watch out. LOOK OUT! THE GOD IS BEHIND YOU! AND HE'S HOLDING A POINTED STICK! AND IT'S BEEN DIPPED IN EXTRA-HOT SAUCE! -- K. Do I sense you might have an issue? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:53:48 -0500 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Apparently a bus driver popped a clog, ignored his malfunctioning > vehicle and went on a wild ride throughout Boston. I would have clicked > on the link but it was at Boston.com and that website sucks six > different kinds of ass. And you only wanted five? > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have what it takes to do that, little mister. However, I'll do your homework for you anyway, just because I know you're probably busy explaining to Tim Chmielewski why the gal he was hitting on kept staring at his hands when he was staring at that red hankie in her right pocket. > And why people in Boston are so nuts. It's the traffic that causes people to go insane, mainly because the traffic consists entirely of crazy people. They think a red light means "turn left NOW!" and a green light means "go halfway across the intersection then halt for a while!" and a yellow light means "double-park in front of Blockbuster for half an hour." Is this the story you meant? About one of the various El Cheapo Melman Bus Lines that goes between Boston's Chinatown and New York's Chinatown for less than the cost of walking? [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> A bus bound from New York to Boston became engulfed in flames on -> the Massachusetts Turnpike early yesterday, but the passengers -> managed to escape with their lives. -> -> The bus entered Brighton with eight passengers about 2 a.m. when -> it caught fire. -> -> ``(The driver) saw some spark, some smoke coming out and pulled -> over,'' said Jason Chung, a spokesman for Lucky Star Travel Pack. -> -> Chung said the bus driver, Shitong Ou, 40, of Malden, had his -> license reinstated in January after a six-month suspension for -> speeding. -> -> Lucky Star is the same company that operated the bus that crashed -> in Canada on April 27, 2000, killing four Newton middle school -> students. -> -> University of Massachusetts student Jonathan Jones told WCVB-TV -> (Ch. 5) yesterday he saw Ou drive for miles on a flaming flat -> tire, and heard the driver's boss tell him to keep going. -> -> Chung responded that the driver saw smoke and flames coming from -> the engine in the back of the bus and stopped the vehicle. He -> said there was no flat tire. Okay, everyone, all together... 3... 2... 1... "CHINESE FIRE DRILL!" [www.boston.com] => => [...] => => Illia said the bus first stopped right after what she believed to => be the Weston tolls. She said she got out and saw white smoke => coming from the rear. A Mass. Pike employee, she said, came over => to check out the situation before Ou examined the bus and ordered => people back on board. Um, excuse me, but if I were "ordered" to board a smoking bus, I would point out that I don't take suicide orders, at least not from Chinatown bus drivers. I only take orders from the sophisticated, highly trained military officers of Peter Pan Bus Lines. => Back on the road, she said, with smoke entering the bus, Ou was => driving slowly while speaking in Chinese on a walkie-talkie. The => bus stopped again, Illia said, and Ou got out, inspected the bus, => reboarded, and decided to start driving again, this time at a => higher speed. => => ''It was really uncomfortable to be there," Illia said. ''We had => a flat, and he kept going." => => She said the episode was not that frightening, but she questioned => his decision to keep driving. ''It was just the wrong thing to => do," said Illia, an architect. => => Approaching the Allston-Brighton tolls, Ou again stopped the bus => and screamed, '' 'Everybody out! Everybody out!,' " Illia said. => ''The whole thing went up in flames." The part of my brain that understands quote marks just went up in flames. => [...] => => According to Illia, Ou initially was calm while being interviewed => by police. But as the fire intensified, she said, he tried to run => away by jumping over a steel barrier between the traffic lanes. => => Police managed to calm him down, she said.Ê I would think Illia halve calmed him down herself, by putting her hand on his shoulder, just like she did when Chekov got his hand fried by that animated plasma-energy discharge. Unless he doesn't like bald women who can't even act enough to seem any different when they're supposed to be playing their emotionless robotic evil twin. Is there a word for "bald bad actress fetish"? Also, is it true that Gene Roddenberry's working title for "Star Trek" was "Wagon Train To Second Base"? -- K. Tim, a red hankie means she's an Engineering officer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Wheels On the Bus Pop Right Off... Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:00:11 -0500 [on Tim's female friend flying a red paisley hankie from her right pocket, and/or a flaming bus] Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > So I demand Kibo tell me what happened. > > > > If you're going to try to "demand" I do anything, you don't have > > what it takes to do that, little mister. > > What about the bus driver you once talked about who used to swerve to > avoid invisible green fires that only he can see? He didn't swerve. All the green fires were on the sidewalk. He just pointed out the window at them while describing them to the passengers. If he had swerved to avoid these imaginary hazards -- which are the same as any other sort of potential hazard -- he probably would have been commended by the MBTA's safety officials and would still be on the road, instead of disappearing like an overcooked red lentil. So I don't think that guy would have what it takes to make me explain how crazy Boston bus drivers are, either. > > -- K. > > > > Tim, a red hankie means > > she's an Engineering > > officer. > > This is just to screw up your formatting. Stop it, you formattingfistfuckerupper! > I am glad my friend doesn't have a computer or access to the internet now. Let's take up a collection and get her a subscription. > Thanks. Don't thank _me_, you pervert. I don't own any hankies, because I don't believe it's hygenic to blow your nose on your sex toys. -- K. What color hankie means "Kibologist", and how do you tuck it into your Groucho glasses? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 02:58:47 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Yes, I know what this means if a man does it: > http://photos.timchuma.com/kibology/right_or_left_pocket_small.jpg "If a man does it"? What, women don't have that body part? I have been sorely misinformed about female anatomy. Please tell me how women don't explode. > Ilana was very pretty yesterday in particular. On the outside or the inside? EWWW! > Thanks. I said, EWWWWWW! -- K. By the way, your photo is a little blurry -- I think you accidentally got some of the Crisco on the lens. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 00:49:46 -0500 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > What is it that keeps guys from making with > > the verbal of even trying to obtain a date? > > There was a time when I was paranoid of the news getting out that I asked > someone out and they said no. I am sure it had nothing to do with the first > time I asked someone out and she said no and the word got around the whole > sixth grade. Wait, I know the punch line to that one. "Worst five years of my life," right? Want to know the _real_ reason guys are afraid to ask people on dates? It's because most men's brains are wired so that when they see someone very sexy, they lose the ability put to words order in or even profounce correctloo them. Schmurple woxwox inflex gazpacho nutria, exact flurpity, pamplemousetrap gnoing-gnoing scrambled eggs. Fortunately, there are a few men who are super-suave, who become even more articulate and seductive in the presence of someone sexy. For instance, if you introduced Ricardo Montalban to someone good-looking, he'd probably start speaking in sonnets. Afterwards he wouldn't remember it, it's entirely automatic and unconscious. Me, when I see someone who gives me the hots, I start making up new "Doctor Who" episodes. -- K. I usually don't get past "And then, in Part Five..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 00:36:02 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > I'm beginning to feel kind of bad about having > mentioned dating in the first place. Yeah, because, if you hadn't, nobody would have ever mentioned dating on alt.religion.kibology! We'd all just be talking about algebra and the Boston Public Library! > Some people seem to be taking my comments far more seriously than > they really should be and I really and truly don't like > feeling as if I'm contributor to good people feeling bad > about themselves,even if it is unintentional. Oh, get over it. Learn to find the goodness in hurting people. That would help you get dates. You don't think Bob Barker hosts that crummy game show year after year so that he can give six of the people in the studio audience chances to win A! NEW! CAR!, do you? No, he does it because every night, he goes home and laughs himself silly over thinking about how disappointed the other 994 audience members are that they didn't even win the chance to not win a car. He jumps up and down on his bed and giggles while he thinks about all the housewives and sailors that he didn't give even a box of Rice-A-Roni to. Nobody could possibly be a game show host for that many years unless they had accepted that their role in life was to disappoint as many people as possible as often as possible. And have you seen how happy chimps are living in cages where they can spend all their time desperately trying to bite humans? Chimps enjoy trying to hurt people, and you don't want to admit you're not as well-adjusted as a chimp, are you? C'mon, dogsnus, pick up a pool cue and snap it over some guy's head. That'll make you feel better about having used the word "dating" on the Internet. Remember how, in "Bananas", Woody Allen was prosecuted for using the word "thighs" in mixed company? I promise not to tell the cops you said "dating" on the Internet if you promise to at least practice with that pool cue and a pi–ata shaped like Andy Rooney for two hours a day until you become as well-adjusted as anyone else who buys Andy Rooney pi–atas and smashes them. Really, stop worrying about hurting people. It's no big deal. Now, opening a new wing of the Public Library, _that's_ a big deal. -- K. I am He Who Tells You To Hurt Your Friends. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:23:57 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > for two hours a day until you become as well-adjusted as anyone > > else who buys Andy Rooney pi–atas and smashes them. > > My newsreader displays the word as "piM-qatas", because it is nn > and was invented before people could speak Spanish. > > But whatever. I propose that a piM-qata is a new sport which > combines martial arts and drinking gin in an Arab country. All right! I'll get my Parmistani ninja uniform out of the closet. I just hope I get to be one of those guys who uses a sword to defend the town square's pommel-horse, and not one of the ninjas who just has to stand motionlessly holding a flag all summer. 'Cause I think "flagging" is still a lame sport even if ninjas do it. > It is more dangerous than piBB-qata because it's usually illegal > and you have to purchase your gin in little plastic bags instead > of real bottles. I don't get it! Unless you're making some reference to Mr. PiBB. But Mr. PiBB doesn't have much gin in it. It's mostly just bee urine. -- K. Someday I want to get a copy of the 1950s book "The Terrible Game", the inspiration for "Gymkata". I will wager it contains lots of hilarity, whether or not it involves the release of an A3 deer. The cheapest copy on Amazon.com is $25 and is missing the first twenty pages. And I don't think I could start reading a bad book at page 21 because I reserve the right to bail by page 3. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 08:24:03 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, get over it. Learn to find the goodness in hurting people. > > That would help you get dates. > > Nono.It's for others to get dates,not me.You really think a tough love > approach would help? Cruel is easy when people are asshats. > In fact,cruel is enjoyable when people aren't good. I didn't say to be cruel. You should hurt people for their own good. That's a nice thing to do. Saying "Hey, you're STUPID!" because someone is stupid is simply cruel. Saying "Hey, you're STUPID!" because you want to motivate someone to smarten up is a useful social function that you should feel good about performing, you bozo. > > Really, stop worrying about hurting people. It's no big deal. > > Now, opening a new wing of the Public Library, _that's_ a big deal. > > I snipped your final line because no way_ am I falling for that > formatfuckingup thing again. See? It's all about motivation. And learning that you have to spend your entire life either (a) being really, really good and not bothering the people who know how to get what they want, or (b) being gleefully evil so that you can take charge of the people who chose the other one. If you want to mangle someone's formatting, you need to do it with glee to let them know, "Yeah, I got my chocolate-frosting fingerprints all over your formatting. Aww, your million dollars' worth of indenting is ruined! <-- SARCASM" But if you mangle their formatting and then cower before the might of their wrath, even when I haven't done anything to you, then they know you're not the boss of them. It's like telling the Godfather you owe him a favor even when he hasn't done anything for you. In one of my other windows is a catalog of stage backdrops (I was searching Google Catalogs for something completely unrelated) prominently featuring a 24-by-30-foot "Burrito Drop". It's described as "a lighting designer's dream" but I have to admit that, yes, it does look more like the inside of a splattered burrito than any other stage backdrop I've ever seen. So what I suggest you do is rent one of those by mail ("self weight: 100 pounds, shipping weight: 200 pounds") and then when you mess up someone's formatting, just drape the giant exploded burrito sheet all over them and say, "Oh, excuse me, did I skillfully execute a hundred-pound burrito drop on you?" and run away laughing. I'll pay you a dollar if you do that to Mike O. Two if he bursts into tears before crawling out from under it, one and a half if he crawls out before he cries. -- K. My intent is to indent unless you rented a tent, a tent, a tent. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 23:24:09 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > Jeesh,and women are supposed to be the illogical ones? > > Who's illogical? The illogical daters, or the people who think logic > can be applied to dating? I know. Remember that episode where Kirk kissed Spock underneath the Bridge and then they both enjoy it but then got into a big argument about whether kissing was logical so they had to ask Scotty to build a machine that could send them back in time to keep that episode from ever being broadcast? Dating should be illogical. HIGHLY illogical. (Cue musical number) A married relationship should involve seriousness and logic and fidelity and strength and teamwork and compromise. A date, on the other hand, should be wacky, wild, wet, weird, and alliterative. A date should leave you saying "WOW!!!" and you don't get "WOW!!!" from logic -- if, at the end of a date, you yell "Q.E.D.!!!" then you're so nerdy that it's inherently impossible that you ever had that date, leading to a logical contradiction becaue you were too logical, and the Enterprise will explode and then you'll have to go back in time to keep it from exploding by dating yourself so that you can show yourself how to have a good, illogical time. That's why there was that episode where Wesley Crusher kept kissing Other Wesley Crusher behind the warp engine, and why afterwards he wasn't a dweeb. Sadly, the episodes with Cool New Swinger Wesley have never been repeated, because they'd have to pay Wil Wheaton double whenever the two of him appeared in the same episode, and as a result, all the nerds who have only seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in re-runs have never learned what love is. -- K. If anyone really believes dating should be logical, I want you to draw me the appropriate Venn diagram. And no, it can't be one of Lewis Carroll's square ones, because those are only for pedophiles. Use circles to draw a diagram of how dating is supposed to work. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 02:11:02 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > What is it that keeps guys from making with > > the verbal of even trying to obtain a date? > > I think the two main things that keep people from trying are: > > 1) Experience. > > 2) Lack of experience. 3) Video games. 4) Mind-control rays from Canada. 5) Fear she might really be a shape-shifting lizard. 6) Poverty. 7) Worrying she's an undercover cop. 8) Allergies. 9) Inertia. 10) Gals with names like "dogsnus". > > The worst thing that will happen is she'll say no,yes? > > No. Whether the worst possible answer is "yes" or "no" depends on whether or not she's a serial killer. So before asking, "Wanna date?" always ask, "Are you a serial killer?" Also be sure to ask if she's from that island where everyone always lies. -- K. 11) Dirty underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:13:56 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > > > Tim, tell us, now. Is the news with Ilana not good? Has she tossed you > > over for the guy who throws chairs at people? Are you maybe feeling a > > little bit, well, drunk? > > I don't know, I don't know what she wants. I want a new TiVo, one of those ones with the DVD recorder. Anyone looking for a very simple relationship which can be consummated by a single purchase at Wal-Mart? If so, I promise I won't smother you afterwards. (I'll be too busy playing with my new TiVo, trying to make it a slave to my will.) > She told me she "stayed at home crying" for six months last year, what > am I supposed to say to that? Not "Is that bad?" Not "The contact lenses go in with the _concave_ side facing you!" Not "Stop stuffing your pillow with chopped onion!" Not "Did you know that Schubert's Unfinished Symphony is technically not a symphony, because it's unfinished?" Not "Please stop looking at me, because I want to pick my nose without you noticing." Not "Wow, Alan Alda's signature in the opening titles of 'Scientific American Frontiers' sure looks fake!" And definitely not "Excuse me a moment, I need to go tell the entire Internet what you just said." Anything else you can think of will work, although I would avoid the word "penis", whether or not you are talking to her in the VD clinic's waiting room. -- K. I don't think I've ever thrown a chair at someone. I should try it. Sounds pretty cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2005 07:53:20 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I really and truly don't like > > > feeling as if I'm contributor to good people feeling bad > > > about themselves, > > > > Well, right there's you're trouble, then. > > When one is made of meat it's a cross one has to bear. > That faulty empathy chip doesn't help much either and in > this climate it can be hazardous to weep after stepping > on a poor denfenseless leaf. Meat... cross... bear... leaf. Pick one Zodiac sign and go with it, you can't have been born under four different ones, even if you're using the wacky new Kibozodiac. I was born under bacon, with hot sauce rising. Anyway, it'll all be okay. As long as you only feel bad about _good_ people feeling bad about themselves, all we have to do is convince you that everyone's a bad person, and then you'll feel okay about hating all the slimey slimes who slime their slimey slime on the other slimes. C'mon, evil yourself up a little. It'll make you feel so much less weird. Also, the cops tend not to hassle you at all if you act like you want people to think you're suspicious. They only go after people who act like they don't want anyone to know their terrible secrets, like all those people who dress "normal". Those "normal" people are creepy. -- K. You really can get away with a lot more if you act like you're trying to look suspicious. I suggest buying a T-shirt that says something like "MURDERER." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 06:32:41 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > > > I do know this much: the pool of available and acceptable dating > > > material drops sharply the more one ages. > > > > Waaah! Terri was meant to be making us manly Kibologists not feel so > > depressed at our current state of non-affairs! > > Yeah and I'm not going to do it again until I finish taking evil > lessons at the Master's knee. You're finished, 'cause your last check bounced. Doodle yourself a diploma and go out and conquer someone named Tim. > When you're 35 I'll be able to make you cry leik Russian school gurl. Tim, I now pronounce you 35. Furthermore, the official language of Australia will be Swedish. Underwear will be changed every half hour -- it will be worn on the outside so we can check. > Terri Wait, your name is "Terri"? -- K. Russkie girlies don't cry, unless you have sulfazine. No, I don't know where you can buy some. Squeeze your own peaches, you perv. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Woodstock, and not the "||||" bird (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 07:04:13 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] > And since I can't have McGonnell winning here I have to think > of another scenario so I think that everybody should turn gay > after 50 Uh oh, I violated your rule. But I couldn't wait that many years. > and if everybody turned gay and really applied themselves > to free love and promiscuity we could bring back Woodstock > since I missed it the first time around. Altamont was better, with Sonny Barger live on stage! > It's a win/win situation,provided everyone manages to remember > to substitute Centrum Silver for LSD. And Viagra. Viagra's really expensive, which is why I'm glad I'm not going to become impotent when I get old. Trust me, not gonna happen. > Terri What sort of a freaky hippie name is "Terri"? You should make up something weird instead. Like that "dogsnus" person who keeps signing his name to your articles. -- K. I bet you don't have _any_ Ricky Ticky Stickies on your VW van. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 08:31:13 -0500 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > >> The rule is, when you see a line that says "blah blah wrote", count the >>> number of ">" symbols at the beginning at that line. Call that number X >>>> (where 0<=X<=INFINITY and an integer). Then, every line in the rest of >>>>> the message that has X+1 ">"'s at the beginning is something that blah >>>> blah wrote. Any line that has MORE than X+1 is something that blah blah >>> is directly or indirectly quoting/replying to. And any line with FEWER >> than X+1 ">"'s at the beginning is a line written directly or indirectly > in reply to a post written by blah blah. >> >>> This rule becomes useless when certain of us WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS >>>> ignore the QUOTING ETIQUETTE and enter newlines in quoted text, thus >>>>> making it IMPOSSIBLE to count quote levels, and renders the quoted-text >>>>>> color highlighting feature of my newsreader USELESS. I agree. -- K. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<< <<<<<<< <<<<< <<< < ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Taste the indented rainbow (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 09:17:01 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote (apparently in response to a discussion about quoting which he forgot to quote): > > Worst rainbow flag EVER. I think that technically the worst rainbow flag would be a solid black flag, like a pirate flag where the pirate colored in the skull with the black Magic Marker that's in the tip of his peg leg. Also it would be circular and made of cotton candy and on a planet where it always rains on cotton candy. Also it would eat people. And kill bugs dead, even cute cartoon ones. Now that would be a bad rainbow flag. How can I get a job writing for "Teletubbies"? Someone needs to butch 'em up a notch. Send 'em to the Killer Cotton Candy Planet and replace Tinky Winky's red vinyl purse with a flamethrower. And the giant laughing baby head in the sky? Should be a pirate with a black Magic Marker who keeps coloring the Teletubbies' stuff solid black. -- K. It would be sponsored by Aeroflot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:42:44 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Trout must be taken in freestone streams. Lake fishing is for rednecks > > in boats who think fishing is accompanied by large quantities of > > booze. And dynamite. > > Your bachelorhood is unrelated to trout fishing. Unless he "sleeps with the fishes" in the Troy McClure manner. > You never married because you never learned any social skills. > The deal is, when someone invites you to visit, you don't call them > drunken redneck dynamiters. > > For crying out loud, McGonnell! I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? -- K. And then can we see some popular rock bands of the early Eighties blow up? Blow up real good? With John Candy as Yakuza Longstocking? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Which pocket for the handkerchief? Date: Mon, 28 Mar 2005 13:55:35 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > We DO NOT explodiate fish. Good grief. Then how do you make your surimi? Do you do it the Amish way, in a butter churn? -- K. And are they crappies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Marrying Kibo (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:02:21 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > [About Chris McGonnell:] > > > You never married because you never learned any social skills. > > I don't have any social skills, either. Wanna get married? Do you mean Chris, Darla, or me? > You have to be a complete fucking loser though. I can't have a > relationship unless you're a big nasty scumbucket. That would be me, then. > Let's get that straight right now. That's the problem. I live in Massachusetts. And I don't think they allow that type of marriage here any more. You have to go some place like Alabama if you want a straight marriage. > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > Oh like you can't do that in Boston. I'm sorry, I'm not willing to explode any fish the lame indoor way that Archie does it. Let us now read from The King Of Science's Kooky Cookbook: [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.physics.electromag, sci.engr, sci.physics.fusion, and sci.chem, July 1997] -> -> A few weeks ago I had a craving for fish sandwiches, like cod or -> haddock with loads of tartar sauce and sourdough buns. But I have no -> time for gourmet cooking so I use a microwave oven. -> -> Last week I was microwaving cod, the fish cod, in my microwave and I -> noticed a series of explosions and my mind travelled to the New Mexico -> Laser Shiva Inertial Confinement fusion of the attempts at fusion by -> implosion. -> -> And I think there is some good ideas relevant to my patent work on -> EM-Luminescence. -> -> [...] -> -> Researchers such as Messrs. Crum or Putterman who work on water -> sonoluminescence could also work on Microwave-Luminescence, as simple -> as sticking a vat of say liquid gallium into a microwave and checking -> to see for some thermonuclear fusion results. -> -> [...] -> -> So, I have until 17JULY1998 to file for the MICROWAVE LUMINESCENCE -> GENERATOR POWER PLANT. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med and rec.bicycles.tech, September 1998] => =>Ê So, for dinner, I only microwave for I do not waste any time cooking. => And the trouble was that the haddock still had the skin on it. I hate => fish skin and so I microwaved it for about 1/2 minute and to my delight => the skin peeled off so fast and easy. ÊI cut the biscuit in half and => microwaved it. I microwaved the extra-thin spaghetti noodles in paper => cups. [...] => =>Ê So, now I am relaxed at the large table and have in front of me, => dinner. I have a cup of wine, two cups of spaghetti and a haddock fish => biscuit with melted havarti cheese and a generous scoop of tartar => sauce. I want to make all of my meals for the remainder of my life a => gourmet feast. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med, September 1998] -> -> I use microwave exclusively, even for baking. [...] -> -> I like fish that is like cod, completely white, fluffy and -> not much of a fish taste, almost like air. [Archimedes Plutonium, in sci.med and sci.bio.technology, January 1999] => => Well, I am happy today for I weighed myself and sure enough I am now => 58 kilograms. The cold made me not want to eat for 3 days except for => citrus fruit. I do take vitamin pills, I like the Flintstones. And => today I finally ate a dinner of microwaved spaghetti. I use the => microwave on all my dinners. Get some paper cups and put into it some => thin noodles until boiling then drain and add skinless, boneless => sardines, some fresh peanuts from shells, some romano and parmesan => cheese, then spaghetti sauce that has mushrooms in it, reheat. And => presto. Today I had a bottle of Journey's Ancient Cola. Great => combinations. [Archimedes Plutonium in sci.chem and talk.religion.misc, September 1999] -> -> And for fish, when I microwave cod, which often pops and explodes, -> what I do is put the cod on one plate and take another plate and put it -> upside down. You see, microwaves go right through porceloin. Thus the -> cod is between two plates and should it explode or pop, the covering -> plate confines it all. I tuned in to the Nobel Prize awards show after that but not one scientist ended his speech with "This year, science was advanced when the King Of Science's cod piece exploded right through his pork-a-loin." -- K. I wonder how he feels about scrod, which is just cod with even less cod in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Marrying Kibo (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 12:03:08 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > I don't have any social skills, either. Wanna get married? > > > > Do you mean Chris, Darla, or me? > > Well, I was proposing to Chris, but you'll do. Not everything. I don't do windows, and I don't do cheese, and I don't do karaoke, and I don't do reasonable bedtime, and I don't do anything involving mosh pits full of shrieking sissies. > > > You have to be a complete fucking loser though. I can't have a > > > relationship unless you're a big nasty scumbucket. > > > > That would be me, then. > > Uh, no. You're evil, naughty, and scary, but not a scumbucket. There's no need to be insulting -- I am _too_ a scumbucket. Otherwise, how could my apartment get so filthy? My strategy is that I'm thinking if the grime gets to be at least 1/8" thick on every single surface, I'll be able to peel it all off in one piece. If you don't believe me, let me point out that there are perishable items in my fridge which are five years past their expiration date. I have to keep them there because if I take them out they'll smell bad. And somehow I manage to permanently stain all my towels, even though I only buy black ones. > > -> Last week I was microwaving cod, the fish cod > > As opposed to the cow cod? That's Animal 58. Every time it says "Moo!" it drowns. > > -> as sticking a vat of say liquid gallium into a microwave and checking > > -> to see for some thermonuclear fusion results. > > Like when they blow up the entire freakin' continent. That's why Archie will do it at night. So nobody will see it. > DAY ONE: We microwaved a Tupperware container full of liquid gallium and > destroyed all of Asia and some of Europe. Not the parts that would be > missed. Had fish for lunch. Margaret wants me to pick up some moist > towelettes on the way home. Archie probably makes his own moist towlettes, from Burger King napkins soaked in sweat, then stores them in Baggies until they ripen enough to use. Wow, Bob Barker is on my TV and he's at least a million years old. He looks like if Edgar Winter was the Grand Negus. And 'cause he had that stroke a couple years ago, he sounds drunker than Richard Dawson. Please tell CBS to let him retire or at least die with dignity (preferably during a "Plinko" segment), as he clearly lost all enthusiasm for his job around 1973. He rivals Monty Hall at his poorly-concealed revulsion for the people who want to win stuff from him. In today's episode he pulled a Vonnegut and remarked offhandedly that he wanted to commit suicide and nobody reacted because they thought he was merely making an unfunny joke instead of begging for the demonic powers at CBS to release him from his contract that says he must host "The Price Is Right" for ten trillion years. Of course, it's not politically correct for me to say anything bad about Bob Barker, because he's an honorary Native American. So I'll just say I admire his strength at listening to that same cheesy canned music every day for thirty years without gouging his eardrums out with obsidian arrowheads. But I shouldn't say mean things about him because he earned a red belt in karate from Chuck Norris and a black belt in karate from someone else. He would probably put the Native American Karate Death Grip on me if he weren't so old that he'd shatter like a Chick-A-Stick sucked into a jet engine. -- K. If you still want to marry me, you have to sign a little pre-nup agreeing that I inherit all your stuff when Bob Barker dies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Dynamite is your friend (was: Which pocket for the handkerchief?) Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2005 01:13:51 -0500 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I like dynamite. Can I visit the two of you and explode some fish? > > > > Oh like you can't do that in Boston. > > How do you think those sports riots in Boston get started? Regular stupidity plus sports stupidity plus alcohol-induced stupidity? > Kibo lights the fuse with a Swisher Sweet cigarillo and tosses the > dynamite into the crowd. I don't know what a "Swisher Sweet" is, but there's no way I'd buy anything with a name like that. I also don't know what a "cigarillo" is unless it's a combination of a cigar and the abbreviation for "illustration" meaning that it's a rip-off because you shouldn't pay that much money just to smoke a drawing of a cigar. If I did smoke, it would be something like a Boyard. Unless White Castle made cigarettes. Man, those would be awesome. Euuugh, a Web search informed me that Swisher Sweet cigars come in flavors like strawberry, chocolate, and blueberry. That's just gross. I'm holding out for a Boyard soaked in White Castle grease, wrapped in bacon. Dynamite is the greatest invention of all time. They should give a Nobel Prize to the guy who invented it! -- K. Been a while since the Bruins personally started a riot by climbing into the seats and beating up the spectators... And that was back in the days before steroids were perfected! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eating a Subway Sub during the Goulbourn Sanitation Power Play Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:24:46 -0500 Tim (usenet@timmeehan.ca) wrote: > > Thought this was Kibological interest. > > I moved to the Ottawa area last summer, and attended my first local > hockey game on Friday night. (Of course, Kibo's report from a while > back was on my mind, which is why I'm posting here.) > > The 67's were playing the Peterborough Petes and it was good hockey > (even if the game ended in a 3-3 tie) but what struck me was the, um, > interesting combination of firing complementary six-inch Subway > Sandwiches into the crowd at the same time that the Goulbourn Sanitation > Power Play was in progress... "what struck me", hmm? I hope you didn't get any pickles in your eye. And how did the sandwich taste? Who was firing the sandwiches? The 67's wacky fursuit raccoon guy, the 67's other identical wacky fursuit raccoon guy, or the 67's terrifying human puck guy? Is that weirdly-shaped combination hockey rink and football stadium and parking garage still standing, or has it collapsed into a stable hexaflexagon? Any fights? And how much blood? -- K. I am jealous of you who live in cities that still have professional hockey. Boston needs an OHL team. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The biggest critics never produce anything? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 03:28:46 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I know Roger Ebert is a movie critic, but at least he worked on a Russ > Meyer movie. > > The bloke at the pub complains about everything, but I never see anything > he produces. > > Similarly, the myriad of toxic individuals who want to knock down anything > they don't like based on what? The fact that you suck? I KEED, I KEED! I KEED BECAUSE I LUFF! -- K. I've done that on a Russ Meyer movie too -- oh, wait, you said "worked" with an "o" and an "r". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 06:46:11 -0500 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > [www.smh.com.au] > -> > -> Parker Bowles is to marry Prince Charles, who will take the > -> throne once his mother Queen Elizabeth dies, on April 8, and > -> will initially be titled Duchess of Cornwall, becoming Princess > -> Consort when Charles is king. > > As far as I can tell from this garbled sentence, Her Majesty has > a little over a fortnight to live. And who will save the Queen? It's up to Y. O. U. Coming soon to this theater! "Y. O. U.", the first action movie starring Y! O! U! ...in which Y!! O!! U!! will save the Queen from people other than Y!!! O!!! U!!! SCENE 1 (INTERIOR ROYAL MOTOR HOME): QUEEN (sadly) My baloney fell on the floor. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN I am getting quite sick of your insolence. TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Why can't I have a talking Corgi like an ordinary royal? (THE MOTOR HOME EXPLODES. THE EXPLOSION TOSSES THE QUEEN OFF A CLIFF, DRESSED ONLY IN HER FRILLY BURLAP UNDERWEAR.) QUEEN Avast! Who will save me now? (A DISTANT BUGLE SOUNDS.) QUEEN I harken! Approaching footfalls warrant the dramatic entrance of the noble hero or heroine -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Pretend she just said your name! QUEEN (continuing) -- who is on his or her horse, which I hereby christen The Horse Of -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She just said your name again! QUEEN Save me, R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She said your name again! It's marvelous! (CUT TO:) SCENE 2 (INTERIOR ROYAL MALT SHOP): QUEEN As I sip my rickey, I bend my straw to -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wow! She keeps saying your name! QUEEN -- who I hereby make a Knight Of The Order Of The Order Which Includes -- R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Holy fuck! She just won't shut up! She's the greatest! QUEEN That is all for today. Farewell! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) She's done saying your name now, so get lost, maggot! MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) What I actually said was, I like to fuck little boys in the EAR. That's okay, right? R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Wait, you're not allowed to be -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Pretend he just said your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- because the real star of this movie is the REAL -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) Gosh, there's your name again! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) -- and not -- MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Someone please say my name. QUEEN No. Also I hereby pronounce that you will be the one who will die on April 8, in a tragic Pixy Stix accident, with the sole survivor being my close personal friend -- MICHAEL JACKSON (panicky voiceover) Please don't say your name! R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) Shut up, you deviated prevert, this movie isn't about -- BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT (echoey voiceover) I should say Michael Jackson's name here. R. LEE ERMEY (voiceover) it's about -- (ZOOM IN TO EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF QUEEN'S FACE) QUEEN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! TALKING PENGUIN I did not do that, old lady! QUEEN Shut your catchphrase-hole, Michael Jackson. MICHAEL JACKSON (voiceover) Waah! A talking penguin stole my name! QUEEN This has been a Quality production. Buy bonds! (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A 48-STAR AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AS THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS.) (FADE OUT.) -- K. Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:47:19 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > YOU WILL. Shush! You're not supposed to know about AT&T's secret contract to develop a new weapon for the US Army -- a gun that wastes other people's time. A soldier just has to connect the gun to any phone line and fire it directly into the Internet, and then vapid blather comes out of every blog on the planet. Scientists with PhDs in digital informatics and applied Internetology are yet unable to explain whether vapidness is transmitted by the ones or the zeros. But it's got to be one or the other 'cause sometimes I can find vapidity on the Internet, even in the most unlikely places. I have two bags of potato chips, but they're both small. Whoops! RED ALERT! I didn't mean to say that, it must be AT&T test-firing their "E/N gun"! Everybody -- DUCK, COVER, AND UNPLUG! -- K. They're both crunchy so I'm not sure which of the two identical bags of potato chips is the best one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Important royal news! Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 21:40:25 -0500 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ever feel like someone is using the Internet to waste your time? > > For some of your readers this is Quality time. Sonny boy. Yes, well, I _am_ cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I ain't your son, unless you want to mention me in your will, in which case, hi, Mom. -- K. It's not Quality time, it's Special time. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 22:33:55 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" > (from "The Gay Way" series, MacMillan Education Limited, London, 1952, > 6th reprint 1973). > > This is a book from the fabulous "The Gay Way" series, which is > ostensibly to help kiddies aged 6 to 7 learn to read. Whatever. Hey, kids have to learn to read gay porn someday. And since "Heather Has Two Mommies" and "The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn" got banned, it's got to be "The Gay Way" because otherwise schools will lose their funding if they deviate from the Gay Agenda as measured by the number of recruits they turn out and the frequency with which kids ask the lunch lady for creme brulee'. (Fun fact: When an elementary school cafeteria lunch lady makes creme brulee', she doesn't use a blowtorch -- she usually melts the sugar with her cigar.) > Anyway, "Tom Little and the Kittens" promises much but ultimately > falls short. It begins with Tish, who is Miss West's cat and lives > in Miss West's house, having three kittens in a box in the best room. > Now you might think Miss West would be thrilled to bits as she seems > like the sort of person who could never own enough cats, but you'd > be wrong. Dead wrong. "I cannot have four cats in my house" she says, > "Jack Pook will have to shoot them". Hmm. So if she has one cat, it's okay, but if she has four cats, they all must die. Allow me to conduct a scientific interpolation by fitting a squiggle through these two data points: INITIAL # OF CATS CATS THAT MUST DIE KITTY SURVIVORS 1 0 1 2 1 1 3 2.5 0.5 4 4 0 In the sequel, she gets six cats, which means that Jack Pook has to kill twelve cats, plus any dogs he meets during his day as a letter-carrier. > Wow! There's a twist! Although not a totally welcome one - don't get > me me wrong, I'm all for introducing kiddies to firearms at a young > age, but I'm not sure that shooting kittens is really instilling the > right values. Why not have Jack Pook over to shoot a wild pig roaming > in the back yard? Much more wholesome. Or there could be a dingo and a shark eating the Prime Minister and his baby, and Jack Pook has to shoot them. The dingo and shark, not the Prime Minister and baby. That would be _sick_. > Anyway, just when things look like they're going to get interesting, > in steps young Tom Little. "I will not let Jack Pook shoot the > kittens" he says. Oh boy, you think, Tom's going to stab Jack Pook in > the gut with a knife! But no, the lad manages to find homes for all > the kittens, just in the nick of time. The book finishes with Tom > informing Tish "your kittens will not have to be shot". > > Well, a good read for animal lovers, but a little disappointing for > fans of ultra-violence. I give it 6/10. Here, let me give you the other 40% of the ultra-violence you need. Tom says "your kittens will not have to be shot," and then he draws his knife to stab them. One of the kitties says, "You call that a knife?" and extends its giant adamantium claws. There follows a bloody knife-and-kitten battle, which leaves thousands dead and causes so much structural damage to Australia that it sinks into the ocean. The last surviving Australians swim to the closest land mass, Antarctica, where they freeze solid, and then the kittens pick 'em up and snap 'em in half. John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. -- K. Is there one about the Pink Panther meeting Snagglepuss? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: "Tom Little and the Kittens" Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 07:39:04 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > John, please read us another story from "The Gay Way" series. > > There have been two other "Gay Way" stories brought home, both with a > similarly healthy level of violence. I can't remember the names but > the first concerns a young prince who is greatly troubled by an > imaginary bear in his bedroom. ...way... ...too... ...gay... > He visualises the bear as a large shadow, and eventually gets rid > of it by firing an arrow into its gut. Woo! Yeah! Go Princey! Poor bear, doomed by the size of his beer belly! I imagine that if Prince ever really did find an imaginary bear in his bedroom he'd squeal "EEK!" and hide behind some of his purple frilly furniture unless he was smart enough to convince the bear that he'd rather maul Michael Jackson instead of him, but most bears can't tell the difference between Michael Jackson and Prince. Either that or Prince would just call his friend Batman. > The second concerns a car whose handbrake fails at the top of a hill. > As it zooms along its downward trajectory it encounters a number of > cute animals that beseech it to stop. "No no" it replies, a cheeky > grin on its happy little face, "I cannot stop!". "Also I am not affiliated with Putt-Putt(R) Miniature Golf Courses Of America Inc.!" > Well, you just know it's going to end in tears and so it does as the > car is obliterated by a train. By all accounts our daughter was > somewhat dismayed by the grisly death of the personable car, but such > is the way of the modern world, says I. (The fact that the books were > written in the 50's merely adds to the irony). Did it show the firefighters cutting the car apart with the Jaws Of Life in case the car kept a puppy in his glove compartment? -- K. This is why I don't drive. Too many crazy talking cars on the road. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: What is the sound of one thousand hands clapping? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:04:25 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [...] > > Also I noticed that "natural calamari" rings are 45% squid. However > "formed Kalamari*" rings are 45% white fish, and 5% squid. > > *Kalamari is a trademark. > > That's a pretty sneaky trick trademarking a name like "Kalamari" so > that you can sell cheap fish squishings as calamari. OTHER TRADEMARKS FOR FAKE SQUID 1. Fish Squidshings ------------------------------- 2. Squiddities (let's see if I can do 20) 3. Calamaxi Pads 4. Tentacloopers 5. Fun Rings 6. Fishcuttlefish 7. Squidentical 8. I Can't Believe Those Aren't Tentacles 9. Lo-Calamari 10. Cuttlethings 11. Suckers 4 Suckers 12. Meat Loaf Of The Sea 13. Onion-Free Rings 14. Squirted Squozen Squid 15. Poots 'n' Tentacles 16. Breaded Things That Live In The Ocean And Other Things 17. Otto Preminger Presents: Squidoo! 18. Tentacleccch (also known as Bill Gainesburgers) 19. Calamaripoff 20. Daddy, What Was A Squid? -- K. "I heartily endorse Your move. Kibo's formatting." -- Zorro ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2005 23:10:28 -0500 Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. It's because everyone loves their puppies, but nobody feels any affection at all for their pet goldfish. This is why you see people eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish brand crackers, although they aren't real goldfish -- those you will find under "Appetizers" at any Chinese restaurant. If you don't believe me, notice that any Chinese restaurant will have a big tank of eels and lobsters and other icky things in the front window, but they keep the delicious goldfish in a pretty little bowl by the cash register. Now, what would be art would be if you rubbed chum on a blender and threw it into the ocean so a shark could swallow it and then you could say "LOOK! A BLENDER IN A FISH!" -- K. I think fried flounder's my favorite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: But is it art? Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 05:20:49 -0500 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > Brian Eable (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > How come if you put 10 goldfish in blenders, that's "art", but if you > > put a puppy in a blender, that's "cruelty"? Stupid double standards. > > fishes have a memory of 3 seconds I don't know, I think that fish aren't as smart as people, although it's hard to tell because you can't make them take IQ tests and *DING* Whoops, that sound meant that 3 seconds of my reply is up, so if I can keep going without changing the subject that means I'm smarter than a fish. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, vinyl. Vinyl manages to smell both very bad and very good at the same time. And then three seconds later you forget whether it smelled good or bad or both so you can smell it again and say, "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" and then three seconds later, you can say "Wow! My car has New Car Smell, because my car is only three seconds old!" Also fishhooks are made of some funny cheap metal that's supposed to dissolve in water and that's why they taste bad, which is the main reason you should eat fish and not fish hooks. There should be a breakfast cereal that's just a big bowl of fish hooks to teach kids how bad they taste so that they won't eat any when they grow up. Also, there should be a cereal made from bacon. Everybody likes bacon, which is why they would bait fish hooks with it if they really wanted people to eat fish hooks. Hmm, I need to add that to my to-do list, and also buy enough fishing line to reach the street from my seventh-floor window. -- K. In three seconds, start reading this article again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:42:56 -0500 Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. This batch is big enough that I'm posting it in two installments. Here's the first half. -- K. It's like an overdose of refreshing new Kontext-Away. [searchsecurity.techtarget.com] -> -> Don Orifice has trouble getting through to his clients when he -> tries to stress the importance of preparing for disaster. [www.timesonline.co.uk] => => [...] the photographs of the Iraqis being trussed up, forced naked => into pyramids with other men while a female soldier brandished a => whip nearby or otherwise abused Iraqis at Abu Ghraib looked like => an advertisement for Dominatrixes R Us. [www.boston.com] -> -> Dillon had put his hands on the Vince Lombardi Trophy, not a -> spatula. [www.latimes.com] => => He used a spatula to carefully lift the rat from the cutting board => and pressed it onto the background piece of clay with his fingers. [www.charlotte.com] -> -> The cynicism that has greeted her release makes me want to buy her -> signature spatula and punish her tormenters -- tastefully, of -> course. [www.thestar.com.my] => => The proboscis monkey has a huge, bulbous nose, a giant belly, and => a long white tail that ends in what looks like a wide spatula. [www.nwanews.com] -> -> Flame-blackened cherry Spootle is "a spatula that thinks it'sa -> spoon" and does a great job of scraping pot bottoms. [www.golfdigest.com] => => Anchor a spatula to your right arm (I'm using my watch and gauze => tape here) to get a feel for how the wrist should move during the => swing. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] -> -> Good rock makes you want to go to town on your roommate with that -> plastic spatula he left lying around. [www.southend.wayne.edu] => => I mean, there is nothing in Lover's Lane that even compares to => this thing. Yet there it sits, keeping its silent cyclopean watch => over us. => => Is it friendly? Does it mean us harm? Is it there to inspire, => challenge, anger, entice, amuse? => => Is it lonely for the companionship of an equally magnificent => plaster orifice? [www.gigwise.com] -> -> Just when your convinced something is going to be great, that -> something more than often turns out to be an overrated orifice of -> arse. [www.chevyhiperformance.com] => => Although a solid lifter has an oil-fed orifice, it is still a => mechanical lifter. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> Some men are more than happy to just look down and watch their -> prized penises slide in and out of their partner's orifice in real -> time. [nigeriaworld.com] => => The southern compradors are no doubt in soup. The political => economy of their quest for a national dialogue is as clear as => noonday. The wind has blown and the people definitely have seen => the cloacae of their hen. This is the season to put an end to the => consecration of abject obscenities. All unreasoning calculations => and miscalculations of the ruling elites, North and South, must be => exposed to the ordinary people. All the escape routes must be => blocked, like rat in the field leaving only the orifice for => smoking with pepper and tobacco ember and the outlet where stand => guard the people machetes drawn. All talk about amalgamation is => balderdash. [www.canada.com] -> -> Why is it that the force of the air that is emitted from so many -> of these hand dryers is about as powerful as a gerbil's fart? [www.thestar.com] => => Among other things, coffee was considered good for purging the => body like a kind of through-draft, making you vomit on one end and => fart on the other. [www.deccanherald.com] -> -> This was his thinking. But the governor is a f-nngfi^itinn^l hp;^ -> ^ hp ^nnnf wish awqy the fart ofnnmr^rs.thatdf^mninfLa^matonty. -> ^yhy. [www.seattleweekly.com] => => Stand tall. Don't light any matches. You might as well be in an => airtight room full of farting cows. That's just how combustible => your scene is at the moment. [blogcritics.org] -> -> But the fact that everquest characters are not "real" is nothing -> special. You honestly don't know what the fuck you're talking -> about, do you? [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => A 1995 Princess Leia figure in the orange package? About as => valuable as an ewok turd. [www.aspentimes.com] -> -> In remembrance of the mining camp of a similar name, many locals -> are now referring to the top of the mountain as "Turds a lot -> Park." I tell you, it's enough to make you want to eat your lunch -> out in the woods squatting behind a tree! [thestar.com.my] => => Instead I've slipped into my alter ego of The Terrible Turd of the => Tundra leading my savage hordes in pillage and plunder. [www.timesleader.com] -> -> And I would like to shove it, but I can't right now because you're -> already sitting on it, like the Fonzie says. [writ.news.findlaw.com] => => If it wanted to have a better chance of winning, the prosecution => should have adopted a strategy that lawyers have nicknamed => "putting the turd on the mantel." [thedaily.washington.edu] -> -> If you (guy or girl) have a fantasy about dressing up as a nun and -> getting your toes licked by a Metro bus driver, you aren't going -> to reveal that to just anyone. [www.courier-journal.com] => => Art Sparks. Leatherman Art Learning Center, Speed Art Museum, 2035 => S. Third St. Interactive gallery. [www.theage.com.au] -> -> Yet strangely, she seems more at home with any other orifice than -> the vagina, from which her writing appears curiously detached. [www.jhunewsletter.com] => => Ooh! So sweet, this hot bubbling inner soup of endorphins (er, => love), this cramming of goose pate into the gaping orifice of your => doe-eyed sweetie-pie. [dnd.warcry.com] -> -> PVP pickpocketing is strictly the realm of griefers. Some of the -> posters however insisted it was a tragic loss to Rogues. But later -> posts point out that 'Rogues' are still Rogues NOT 'Thieves' and -> this was not a catastrophic loss (to the best of anyone's -> knowledge NPC pickpocketing is in). [www.warcry.com] => => The trick to dealing with kiddies and griefers is to beat them at => their own game: accept the duel, lull them into a false sense of => security, let them think they're smarter than you. As soon as the => cinematic cuts away, slam them with your fiercest spell and run => like there's no tomorrow. Jump erratically and circle strafe, all => the while cackling with glee and quoting Moby Dick. They'll => eventually get lucky and catch up to you while you're typing, => "From Hell's heart I stab at thee!" or they'll get bored and walk => away, whereupon you track them down and repeat the spell/quotation => process. [sport.guardian.co.uk] -> -> Then there's Frederic Michalak, still out in the cold -- or at -> least on the bench. In stays Yann Delaigue, who couldn't kick for -> nougat against Scotland. [www.charlotte.com] => => Atoms in the spatulae, like all atoms, have a positively charged => nucleus and negatively charged electrons moving outside the => nucleus. Likewise, atoms in the ceiling have a positive nucleus => and negative electrons. For brief moments, there is an attraction => between the positive nuclei of the gecko spatula and the electrons => of the ceiling. [www.boston.com] -> -> One of the most important things to remember about buying a sofa -> is to sit on it. [www.oregonlive.com] => => She counsels homebuyers in the area to beware: "Never buy => something and sit on it, that's my big advice." [www.spectatornews.com] -> -> The Finance Commission is the only commission of Senate that -> requires a block of senators to sit on it. [www.seacoastonline.com] => => "The law may curb abuses, but it's like killing a fly by having an => elephant sit on it," he said. [www.bozemandailychronicle.com] -> -> "For furniture, people want to feel it, they want to sit on it. -> You can't do that over the Internet." [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] => => Lisa I'Anson, Magenta Divine, James Brown and Rowland Rivron head => off to the Himalayas for a bit of yogic cleansing, which includes => something called Urine Therapy that was not at all what the celebs => expected. [www.manchesteronline.co.uk] -> -> Things faired slightly better in the Himalayas with all the celebs -> managing to rinse their sinuses, and induce vomiting after -> drinking three litres of warm water, but there were grumblings of -> discontent when it came to the Urine Therapy. [www.health24.com] => => So, no electric corkscrews and definitely no Leatherman tools, no => matter how nicely they're wrapped. [www.studlife.com] -> -> In order to test the condom's durability in the act, we used a -> bagel to simulate whichever orifice you fancy. Unfortunately, the -> cucumber tore it to ribbons, and we just didn't have any other -> holes lying around. [www.greenfutures.org.uk] => => My tourists really do not appreciate the 'swimming with turds' => experience. [www.herald-mail.com] -> -> "My question is, why do we have a dress code when it is printed in -> the handbook that children aren't allowed to have clothing that is -> down to where you can see their garment and it's not enforced at -> all? Where is the authority in this matter? This needs to be -> enforced." [www.belpertoday.com] => => Commanding officer Andrew Price was loaned to HMS Quorn for three => and a half months and Able Seamen Paul Markham and James Kirk => represented the ship at the Remembrance ceremony at the Cenotaph => in November. [www.fredericsburg.com] -> -> The bullies end up getting mad and that's when they give Blaine's -> character "a humongous wedgie.". "I was wearing padded underwear," -> Blaine said. [www.straight.com] => => The only drawback with Ginch Gonch is that not everyone gets to => see you wearing it. Maybe pulling a wedgie will become the next => club craze. [sportal.com.au] -> -> In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating -> between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between -> the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty. [www.star.niu.edu] => => Whether you're strutting down the beach in your new swimsuit or => drunkenly floating on a tube in the middle of the ocean, keep in => mind that swimsuits that fit properly will always make you look => better than Ms. Wedgie McNipslip. [www.startribune.com] -> -> Show respect to our Nordic heritage by trying not to gag on -> lutefisk. [www.willistonherald.com] => => This event continues to grow and it feeds directly off the ongoing => lutefisk and meatball feed from First Lutheran Church. [www.twincities.com] -> -> Each Christmas, Norwegian-Americans march into the nearest Norsk -> deli to buy lutefisk, the lye-soaked dried cod that hasn't been -> eaten in Norway since peasants could afford refrigerators. [www.zwire.com] => => I can even find something to like about lutefisk: melted butter. => => But it's hard for me to get excited about lefse. [www.twincities.com] -> -> The lutefisk-versus-lust tension was evident at the Capitol in 2004. [www.kltv.com] => => The spatula setting worked well to flip the egg over. [www.lacrossetribune.com] -> -> Many people have lower expectations for those with disabilities, -> he said, or what he calls "gimp-phobia." [www2.townonline.com] => => Forecasters gave plenty of warning for the last blizzard, and, => because they did people had emptied the snack shelves of food => stores. It was so bad that Trader Joe's ran out of caramel covered => no-fat popcorn. [www.thestate.com] -> -> First, it shows them we won't be manipulated by someone shorter -> than we are who wouldn't even know the difference between Mork and -> Fonzie if it weren't for Nick at Nite; [...] [www.adn.com] => => I love living in a place where the world's very first Duck Fart => was poured. [www.guardian.co.uk] -> -> The story it tells us is of yeast in a barrel, feeding and farting -> until it is poisoned by its own waste. [www.wluctv6.com] => => ORVs and four wheel drive vehicles are destroying the Felch => snowmobile trail in the southern U.P. [www.dailypress.net] -> -> Siegler hit a couple of late 3-point baskets at Felch "that just -> stuck a knife in us," he noted. [www.g4tv.com] => => You may think that farting in front of a girl you like means that => you're comfortable with her, but every magazine she has in her => bathroom tells her that it means you don't respect her. [www.boston.com] -> -> In New England, people don't think about okra, or if they do, they -> picture something unpleasant. [www.sun-sentinel.com] => => Maybe Mom cooks the spinach too much, rendering it easy => competition for okra's slime factor. [www.latimes.com] -> -> the better to avoid airplane food and Dodger Dogs, the two worst -> offenses to the human palate this side of okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => The N.C.-based kite-flying group Wings Above Carolina Kiting and => Okra Society, or WACKOS, will be at this year's Go Fly A Kite day => [...] [seattletimes.nwsource.com] -> -> This is a true story: Nobody who was born and raised on the West -> Coast eats okra. [www.citizen-times.com] => => "Come on, Okra Crow you can make it, come on and shoot!" => => "Who?" my son said, eyes huge, mouth gaping. => => "Okra For," I said trying to correct myself. => => "Mom," he said. "Do you mean Okafor? As in Emeka Okafor, the best => player on the team." [www.wpi.edu] -> -> Inanimate objects are a definite possibility, anything with a soft -> texture and appropriately sized orifice will do. Shoes, fruit, -> snow(wo)men, pencil sharpeners, use your imagination [...] [www.thehindubusinessline.com] => => Negativity is an attitude... 100 minus 1 can be 99. But, it can => also be 100 for a generous man who'll say ek galti ho gayi chchod => dau (forgive one mistake), it can be zero for the utterly negative => people and it can be - 1 for a sadist. This is the new arithmetic => that I've learnt! [english.ohmynews.com] -> -> Weeks after the attempt I still feel aches and pain from this -> self-inflicted Spanish Inquisition of winter sports. -> -> Who's sadistic idea was it anyway to make what was obviously some -> kind of medieval Swiss torture into a sport? -> -> [they mean snowboarding.] [www.opinion.telegraph.co.uk] => => There was a gym master at Westminster School, where I went after => Orwell Park, who was a sadist. => => He had been a paratrooper, and had two catchphrases, which he => repeated endlessly to the boys in his charge. One was: "I may be => small, but I'm tough." The other: "I've got muscles in places, => lad, where you haven't got places." [www.wtnh.com] -> -> So perhaps don't view this as a bridge over troubled waters -> connecting troubled roads. Once the first orange cone is put out -> it might be the start of building a bridge to fuller stomachs. [www.journal-news.com] => => The report contains statements from six eyewitnesses who observed => Gully, 53, either toss an orange cone about 15 to 20 feet at Kelch => or saw him throw a roll of yellow police tape into a crowd of => visitors. [www.ajc.com] -> -> Those of us who live, work and shop in that area on a daily basis -> will have to contend with what will surely be four years of -> "Orange Cone Hell." [www.missoulian.com] => => It's a tavern owner's worst nightmare: It's St. Patrick's Day, but => the decorations for your business are flashing barricades and => orange cones. [www.abqtrib.com] -> -> At a Washington practice, McKay got so angry at Didrickson for -> poor defense that he made him stand in the corner of the court and -> guard an orange cone. [www.stltrib.com] => => She said the art will offer a reason to come downtown when the => orange cones might otherwise scare people. [www.washingtonpost.com] -> -> They're drilled with a stopwatch in the task of setting up a -> checkpoint -- a "serpentine" of concertina wire, at least three -> orange cones and, farthest out, a warning sign. [www.dailycampus.com] => => A huge fan of "Saved by the Bell," orange cones, girls and pizza, => Derek Olson has been leading the student body as USG President => since April 2004. [www.herald-sun.com] -> -> Students milled about snapping photos with their camera phones as -> random objects -- an orange traffic cone, a 40-ish woman's bra -- -> were tossed into the bonfire. [www.zeit.de] => => "You see orange cones and constantine wire before you even see => soldiers," he says. [www.myrtlebeachonline.com] -> -> I'm worried about the city of Myrtle Beach sweeping me up when -> they come behind me collecting orange cones and barricades. [barometer.orst.edu] => => Seriously, Math, screw you. [www.courierpostonline.com] -> -> `Tough' means you can fight back. Today I just have to take it. I -> still can't believe it. I'm angry, and all I can do is sit on it. [www.despardes.com] => => His fasts, enemas, goat milk, fresh fruits and urine therapy could => help him gambol past a century. But his simple calculations had => not factored in hate. => => [They mean Gandhi.] [www.sun-sentinel.com] -> -> Originally excited to be part of the crossover, Ruivivar says, -> "Then I got reports that I was going to be bleeding from every -> orifice, so I was less excited. [www.pitch.com] => => Rock steady got us out, but the dominatrix bowled us over. [onmilwaukee.com] -> -> Smooth in verbal delivery but anything but that in his backing -> tracks is rap crew Dalek (pronounced dialect), who comes to the -> Cactus Club, Friday, Feb. 25. [www.rockclimbing.com] => => Another remarked that he looked like he'd been playing with a turd => after using the red chalk, and yet another was disappointed that => by "colored chalk" I didn't mean dayglo green, pink and blue. [www.japantimes.co.jp] -> -> My Japanese friends refer to Starck's creation as o gon no unko -> (the golden turd), and tourists frequently ask for directions to -> the unchi biru (poop building). [www.mainecampus.com] => => The band wanted to get some authentic Maine lobster, but the => restaurant didn't sell lobster on Sunday. Instead, the group went => to an unnamed Mexican restaurant. "It was the most disgusting => experience ever. It reminded me of when I mistook my pet rats turd => for a Hershey Kiss," Jaret recalled. [www.mailtribune.com] -> -> "The other thing that is a bit of concern for me is this dungeon. -> We'll have to see it first," he said. "It's unlawful to commit -> sadomasochism or sexual conduct in a live show." [www.ocweekly.com] => => There is boy ass; girl ass; boy ass drawn fluid and soft, like => girl ass; girl ass farting; girl ass with stubble; girl ass with a => rose stuck in it. Really. There's a _lot_ of ass. [www.pitch.com] -> -> However, Plaid Shirt, breaking down under our expert questioning -> skills, confessed that the Roman candles were not up his ass. [allafrica.com] => => The most common and least violent of rapists are usually solitary, => socially inadequate men with low self esteem, whose primary aim is => to reassure themselves of their sexual inadequacy and masculinity => by exercising power over the powerless victim. => => These guys are humble, friendly and caring and they make most of => the cases in our country. [www.popmatters.com] -> -> It was the only point in the [Grammys] not interrupted by Cirque -> du Soleil, balls of rising fire, or five other songs crammed -> around its edges. Sadists: this show is designed by -> kitten-burning, baby-drowning sadists. [apnews.excite.com] => => "You know, it's neat, but it's kind of creepy," she said. => => [It's a corpse-shrinkwrapping machine.] [www.estripes.com] -> -> School Age Care Program and piano lesson payments can be made at -> the Kibo Child Development Center; [...] [www.nynewsday.com] => => Consider the possibilities. This exuberantly twisted chiller flits => between the agony of sadism and the ecstasy of mindlessness. [www.ladowntownnews.com] -> -> In other words, how many people have to live here to convince -> Trader Joe's to open on the ground floor of a loft building? [www.adn.com] => => On a sunny afternoon last week, Miranda Felch was parked alongside => the coffee stand, waiting for her steaming beverage. [www.mindfully.org] -> -> If a 175-pound man fell into one end , he would come out the other -> end as 38 pounds of oil, 7 pounds of gas, and 7 pounds of -> minerals, as well as 123 pounds of sterilized water. [www.dailytargum.com] => => Many of the sandwiches are harmless, however it bears pointing out => that while there are Fat Dykes and Fat Bitches, there are no => sandwiches derogatory of men. [www.northjersey.com] -> -> The day I went, my first thoughts were of orange traffic cones -- -> an invasion of them. -> -> [they're reviewing Christo's "Gates" in Central Park.] [www.dailyiowan.com] => => Loki is played by Alan Cumming, who never bothers to create a => funny or threatening villain. Instead, he's perfected an even more => annoying Pee-wee Herman. => => [what, he's gotten better at that since "Spy Kids" and "Titus"?] [www.latimes.com] -> -> As befits these times, the strangest job in Hollywood now involves -> sitting in the back of a movie theater with a light-up pen and a -> clipboard, categorizing every curse, sexual act and moment of -> violence. It's like being the anti-Pee-wee Herman. [www.dfw.com] => => "Mark Cuban approved this deal because the owner now has only the => second worst haircut on the team." => => Tacky, but, on style points, the Cuban do will win out over Van => Horn's familiar Pee Wee Herman look. [worldnetdaily.com] -> -> In putting CBS behind him and jumping on board CNN, assuming the -> deck is still above water, Dan will be, as he might say, "As happy -> as Pee Wee Herman in a peepshow with a pocket full of quarters." [www.thepilot.com] => => Fitting the peg into the appropriate hole will presumably permit => someone with the cranial proportions of a Pee Wee Herman to wear => the same cap as an Oliver Hardy. [pittsburghlive.com] -> -> You can walk down the street and meet face to face with a tireless -> pantomime or turn the corner and see Pee Wee Herman shopping for shoes. [www.chicagotribune.com] => => O'Hare may scale his panic attacks and his entire performance => somewhere in the region of Robert Morse-turning-into-Pee-wee => Herman, but you're grateful for the laughs. [www.bradenton.com] -> -> You're back in an era before mad scientists unveiled muscle- -> sprouting drugs that could turn Pee Wee Herman into Hulk Hogan. [www.ediets.com] => => I've assisted clients in growing bigger chests, arms, legs etc. no => matter how much they thought their specific weak muscle group => resembled Pee Wee Herman. [www.cornellsun.com] -> -> These people have it hard enough, given the constant demands -> associated with replicating a man whose nose is falling off faster -> than Pee Wee Herman's pants at a midnight screening of 21 Hump Street. [www.richmond-news.com] => => The prostate is the Arnold Schwartznegger of the male reproductive => system. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:08:00 -0500 I wrote: > > > > As usual, these excerpts were found by setting Google News alerts > > for words I hoped would turn up amusing articles, and occasionally did. Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > You can do the same with the Beta "Google Alerts" service: > http://www.google.com/alerts/ Wow, Tim. You really added value on that one. Now future generations will no longer have to wonder whether Google's address is www.google.com or www.lumbermansexchange.com. > I use it to keep track of my current favourite Korean director, > Park Chan Wook, Please stop Googlestalking South Korean directors you're planning to kidnap so you can force them to make you a "Godzilla" knockoff the rubber monster suit from which will wind up in Forrest Ackerman's basement underneath some of the Feebles. > reviews of the movie Oldboy and the upcoming movie "Sympathy for Lady > Vengeance". Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and nobody likes spammers. > Thanks. For what, the Nobel Prize for bragging that you're the only guy on the Internet who knows where to find Google? Let us know when you find MapQuest, Fark, and alt.religion.kibology. We expect full progress reports on your quests, including details of every Dove bar you eat or song lyric you hear along the way. -- K. lumbermansexchange.com has gone to a happier place, but expertsexchange.com is still there. No word on whether Chewbacca has eaten anything lately. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 23:38:23 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Korean movies are distinctly inferior to Japanese movies in terms of > > their edginess. This is because Koreans like to eat dogs, but as I > > mentioned in the thread about cannibalism, Japanese people like to eat > > people. Koreans are spammers but Japanese people are perverts, and > > nobody likes spammers. > > I haven't bought the uncut version of Ichi the Killer yet, please give me > more time. You chose to see the censored version? That's for _babies_! Watching "Ichi The Killer" with all the violence cut out is like watching that version of "Star Trek V" with all the stupidity cut out. Sure, you get it over with before you finish your first kernel of popcorn, but you miss that part where the movie happens. I bet you couldn't even handle "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", let alone anything creepy. Also, there's no cannibalism in "Ichi The Killer". "Ichi The Killer" is a highly sophisticated movie, a real think piece. Maybe you want a tawdry Hannibal Lecter movie, like "Titus". Who's the psycho who wrote _that_? > > -- K. > > > > lumbermansexchange.com > > has gone to a happier > > place, but > > expertsexchange.com > > is still there. No word > > on whether Chewbacca has > > eaten anything lately. > > > > Leaving this in to screw up your formatting. I'm gonna make you dinner. Come here and you'll get hooked on my shrimp tempura. -- K. I heard that dog meat tastes exactly like Vegemite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2005 08:39:45 -0500 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > I'm gonna make you dinner. Come here and you'll get hooked on my > > shrimp tempura. > > I heard that Shrimp Tempura ˆ la Kibologie is made with finger paint. No, it's made with metal skewers that don't go through the shrimp until after you eat them. It was a reference to the movie that Tim Chimpanskidoodily hasn't seen the uncut version of (which, ironically, features more shots of people being cut. Many of the cuts are in the famous shrimp tempura scene itself, a scene which is to Takashi Miike's body of work what the shot of the ape throwing the bone at the spaceship was to Kubrick's.) He has brought shame on himself and all his descendants and will never be admitted into the brotherhood of the Yakuza for admitting he saw the censored version. I bet Tim also has a version of "Rubber's Lover" which doesn't make any sense. The uncut nine-hour version has such a lucid plot compared to the slightly garbled ninety-minute one. Tim, I hear that, just for you, they're issuing a combination of "Red Room #1" and "Red Room #2" edited down to where both movies fit on one ViewMaster disc, telling the story entirely through a series of seven stereographic, smiling kaomoji. > BTW, Kibo, pleeeeeze keep giving us random quote posts. I like 'em. The > WebTV bozo ones were teh best, and you know WebTV is never going to run > out of bozos. Oh, you're in luck. I've been saving WebTV idiot scrawlings all along, storing them up for that special day when WebTV goes out of business and I can ruin that special day for everyone by flooding alt.religion.kibology with the very stupidest things WebTV people ever tried to type. -- K. Here's a sample. Some articles don't make sense, but this one doesn't even have enough Gestalt closure to be _shaped_ like communication: On October 8, 2001, "Dianalove fojohjmi Morris4 y uo n a" (dammad1@webtv.net) wrote in misc.emerg-services: > > maf if s g in are > 4 love and or m r e se py yuo s an t k > adn j onh mois love d p s yuo s en k ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 19:56:18 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Would anyone care if I stopped posting these? 'Cause they're a pain to > > collect and collate and I don't know if anyone's interested. > > Many of us, and by that I mean "at least me", are reading these. > If _nothing_ else, they give us strange and awesome insight into > the mind of the collatee, What, you wanted a non-strange insight? > and how it's unconsciously reflected in newspapers, magazines, blogs, > and media outlets all over this fair globe in English. When I set up my search list, I didn't know which keywords would turn up the most interesting results. It turns out that "fuck" (and its relatives) seldom finds interesting citations. It's the words which are used as pejoratives with only a vague relation to their intended meaning -- such as "sadist", "retarded", "wedgie", "orifice" -- which turn up poorly-written attempts at serious news. (All news stories contain some degree of editorializing, in terms of which adjectives get applied to indicate the writer approves or disapproves -- in other words, I could change "editorializing" to "propaganda" in this sentence and it would still mean the same thing, but convey a different opinion.) "Pee-wee Herman" turns out to be the most interesting search, because he's mentioned all over the place but _never_ by people who are actually talking about him. Sports articles are known for their awkward turns of phrase when people try to come up with ways to say "X won the game against Y" or "X is a better player than Y" and one of the writers' favorites these days seems to be "X makes Y look like Pee-wee Herman, who is known for being three feet tall and lost all those football games on his show" despite it being both a bizarre analogy and a reference that's twenty years past hip. In college papers, Pee-wee shows up in editorials where the writers can't decide whether they want to make a serious point or tell a joke they once heard, so you get "X is as happy as Pee-wee Herman jamming his dick in Jambi's mouth", although that's not a joke unless you're one of those morons who thinks fictional characters having sex is automatically funny. The searches for these various silly terms turn up an enormous number of college paper articles I'd otherwise never see. This is because most of the articles in real newspapers are about the same topics as articles in all the other real newspapers, while every college newspaper is about stuff that's only relevant to navel-gazers at that specific college. (Music reviews in college papers and alternative weeklies are where the swear words get used the most, while editorials in college papers are what get hits for "screw you" and "up the ass".) Words that are "comedy words" -- such as "nougat", "okra", and "spatula" -- turn up lots of boring stuff, but occasionally there's some undefinably silly quality about the sentence they're in. A few favorite things to rant about on a.r.k -- such as "orange cones" and "Trader Joe's" -- wind up being pretty worthless as searches for interesting stuff (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" and the other "Trader Joe's sells cheap sucky wine that people would like better if they priced it above three dollars." A few other searches are on my list just because they're for such weirdly-specific a.r.k-related tropes that the matching articles are bound to be written by weirdos, i.e. "Quorn", "Anson Williams", "Gene Rayburn". This article matches them all, so it should be preserved in a time capsule to keep future generations from reading it. -- K. What I find particularly amusing about the way "sadist" is sprinkled into sports articles and editorials is that it's used interchangeably with "masochist": "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a sadist to go watch them" and "That team always loses, so you'd have to be a masochist to go watch them" both show up, but the former is more common because "masochist" is a harder word to type. Hmm, I should search for "pedant" so I can see who's misusing it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 21:44:40 -0500 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (the same two articles have been written about Trader Joe's a million > > times, one being "Residents are petitioning the mayor to personally > > build them an awesome Trader Joe's supermarket" [...]) > > I was wondering about that. It seems like every time there's a > large enough vacancy around here (there are plenty of places going > out of business, but none of them large enough) everyone's all like > "HEY TRADER JOE'S! WE NEED ANOTHER TRADER JOE'S! THE NEAREST ONE > IS OVER A MILE AWAY! AND THE NEXT NEAREST ONE A MILE AND A HALF > AWAY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! WHY NOT ONE RIGHT BETWEEN THEM?" and > I don't really get that. I mean, they're okay and all, but can't > these people just buy a whole bunch of chunky aloe vera drink and > stock up? > > So it's not just here, huh? Sadly, no. Here's a comedy experiment you can do: Put on a Hawaiian shirt and walk around a while and see how many people beg you to build a Trader Joe's on their lawn. For best results, slick your hair back with aloe vera hand gel, and be very dainty. > > What I find particularly amusing about > > the way "sadist" is sprinkled into > > sports articles and editorials is that > > it's used interchangeably with "masochist": > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a sadist to go watch them" and > > "That team always loses, so you'd have > > to be a masochist to go watch them" > > both show up, but the former is more > > common because "masochist" is a harder > > word to type. > > The masochist enjoys having his hopes dashed when that team > loses. The sadist enjoys seeing that team get beaten. You know _nothing_ about sports. -- K. The sadist enjoys shopping at Trader Joe's. The masochist enjoys eating food from Trader Joe's. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's that time again! Fragments of things you don't want to read! Date: Wed, 23 Mar 2005 01:45:30 -0500 The second half of tonight's batch. -- K. Did I slip in a bogus one I made up? [www.azcentral.com] -> -> And pickled herring is good for you, although you have to be -> careful that no one tries to slip some lutefisk on your plate. [www.willistonherald.com] => => Available will be everything from lutefisk, to meatballs, to steak => and barbecue chicken. Sounds like a surf and turf menu to me. [www.dallasnews.com] -> -> Masks are fashioned from screen frames covered with burlap and -> adorned with everything from fake teeth to belt buckles and -> buttons to okra. [www.sunherald.com] => => Okra can be slimy and sticky, but it's supposed to be that way. [www.orovillemr.com] -> -> No current school district board members nor employees may sit on it. [rr.cube.ign.com] => => This game just make you feel frustration and even angry, I can see => that the designer think that everyone like try and error, screw you! => => [the game in question is "Metroid Prime".] [gr.bolt.com] -> -> This game is not a diamond in the rough -- it's a peanut in the -> toilet. -> -> [the game in question is "Star Trek: Shattered Universe".] [english.pravda.ru] => => About 0.3% of men are born with only one testicle. Doctors believe => that such a physical defect can cause only aesthetical discomfort, [rockymountainnews.com] -> -> "If you try that again, I'll ram my fist up your ass," Republican -> Bill Cadman told his Democratic colleague, Val Vigil, at Vigil's -> desk during the morning session. [www.comicbookresources.com] => => Adams described a Captain Marvel cover he did with the Captain => walking in the air over Park Avenue. In the background, a woman is => collapsing into a man. "She's collapsing because Captain Marvel => farted. I needed to tell a story." [toledoblade.com] -> -> Leatherman is a naturalist volunteer [...] [www.nbc-2.com] => => "Probably come in a few hundred feet, maybe 500 feet. Not a => dramatic thing in terms of damage, but it is something you'd => notice. You would not want to be in water when that happens," => Leatherman said. [www.vh1.com] -> -> I wanted to be a fire man when I grew up - and I wanted to be -> Fonzie from Happy Days. Why a fireman? The uniforms are hot and -> they got a courageous job. Red is like a super hero outfit. [www.detnews.com] => => There is no all-inclusive list of emergency medical conditions, => Hester says, but he gives a partial list: chest pain; sudden => numbness or the inability to speak or walk; difficulty breathing; => any persistent bleeding from an orifice or a wound; severe => abdominal pain; severe, sudden headache; suicidal or homicidal => feelings; head, neck or spinal cord injury; fracture; and => poisoning. [www.lincolnjournal.com] -> -> [editorial proposing new laws] -> -> The "Match Game" Law -- This law would make it illegal for couples -> to wear matching, airbrushed shirts that say things like "Gloria -> loves Will" and "Will loves Gloria." [www.wrestling-news.com] => => The brains behind the 'Lingerie Bowl' PPV during the Super Bowl => halftime and very pissed at the lack of what we call 'Candice => Coverage'. Candice Michelle who is now making the media rounds due => to her 'GoDaddy.com' commercial was part of the Lingerie bowl as => well. And many complaints are that the only things mentioned in => interviews, and on behalf of Candice is GoDaddy and WWE. => => If I were the people behind the Lingerie Bowl, I'd be a bit miffed => as well. The PPV concept was not a bad one, and some that saw it => actually found it entertaining. [www.statepress.com] -> -> BOO to the last week before spring break. A week of freedom is so -> close we can taste the Corona. But what should be a joyful -> countdown is instead many days of tapping our foot. We haven't -> been this teased or upset since the Lingerie Bowl. [www.lasvegasmercury.com] => => [editorial by Agnes Fliff] => => Also, I came up with the idea of a talking baby shilling for => Quizno's. Except my baby had Tourette's syndrome. But whenever I => try to collect my royalties in free subs, the jerk manager at => Quizno's chases me down the street waving a sawed-off mop handle. => He's probably Francis Ford's nephew and will end up directing => Spiderman 3. Meanwhile, I can't even get financing for my next => project, The Webbed Feet of Anson Williams. [www.heralddemocrat.com] -> -> One of the first silicone items to become popular in the home -> kitchen was invented by a French company called Silpats. OK, every -> now and again the French come up with a good idea, so long as it -> doesn't require any real backbone. [www.stuff.co.nz] => => Another ram is ranked first in the SIL index over six traits => including worm resistance. [www.phillyburbs.com] -> -> "To wrestle with Trap and Sil in the room every day is a huge -> benefit," he said. [deseretnews.com] => => He was the last guy in Provo to go out on his own glory -- a long, => successful run of fast-breaking lightning-eaters donned in those => short wedgie-prone shorts. [www.2theadvocate.com] -> -> White Castle hosts Port Sulphur at 6:30 [...] [www.silive.com] => => As we get serious about commitment and life, we're less likely to => bond with the guy who skis freely down the side of the mountain; => instead, we seek the guy who dons safety gear. In other words, => Richie Cunningham of "Happy Days" gets the last laugh on Fonzie => any day. [psp.ign.com] -> -> To power users, however, that's a two quart toilet for a ten -> gallon turd -- we need more space here, people. [horus.vcsa.uci.edu] => => Fun is hard to find around here. It's more like teddy bear turds => than anything. => => [...] => => I certainly hope you had your bread today, and as a resident of => Irvine, consider yourself lucky. Who knows, a teddy bear might => drop a turd or two in your path. [www.seacoastonline.com] -> -> A man sitting next to my mom, who owns a French bulldog, said -> "That'sa Frenchie fart. Anyone who has Frenchies knows that'sa -> Frenchie fart.". [www.sfgate.com] => => Once in 2004, a piece of carry-on luggage containing a chain saw => was missed by the X-ray machine at the checkpoint, Bencomo said. [www.theprofileonline.com] -> -> American Barbie is a woman of many talents from ballerina to -> doctor to astronaut, but dominatrix Barbie she is not. [www.tampabays10.com] => => "Joe, you gotta ball there?...you gotta a ball?...he has no balls... => we're off to a great start...I presume you have tees...no tees." [www.winchestersun.com] -> -> "Each child brings their own Pandora's box. We have to sit on that -> box until children can sit on it for themselves." [www.uruknet.info] => => The most effective way to do this is through sensationalism which => is basically a disguised form of sadomasochism. [www.mcot.org] -> -> The police said the Swedish national might suffer from a mentally -> sexual problem, known as sadism. [theedge.bostonherald.com] => => Is it fair to ask these young people to sing after they've been => told by Ryan ``Sadist'' Seacrest that their journey to fame is over. [news.bbc.co.uk] -> -> "Ah, some ghosts are sadists. Others want to take revenge on their -> tormentors. Others do it simply for fun," says Chandrahas Singh. [www.expresspharmapulse.com] => => [...] and an orifice (0.4 mm) created mechanically or with laser beam. [www.dailycal.org] -> -> In other words, at this point in cultural history, the film -> industry is basically the Gimp to the Academy's Zed. [www.mg.co.za] => => Bafana Bafana have world-class flair and vibrancy: That's great, => because they sure don't have any ability. Unfortunately there => isn't a World Cup of sideways skipping, slapping knees and hopping => over orange cones for us to win, [...] [www.hoopsworld.com] -> -> [...] Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, and Rasho control so -> much of the Spurs' pie chart the next few years that a reserve -> like Malik has had a wedge-shaped spatula shoved underneath his -> tail for the last year and a half. [education.guardian.co.uk] => => Whereas an artist might approach the subject by, say, writing a => love song, the scientists in Hammond's book prefer to give people => plastic turds (to investigate the emotion of disgust) [...] [www.banderabulletin.com] -> -> The Chinese were cutting and storing pond ice more than 2,800 -> years before George Hammond began shipping beef from his Chicago -> meat packing plant to Boston in refrigerated railroad cars in the -> late 1860's. [www.ocweekly.com] => => Like the atrocious metal band that has a sound not unlike the => popping and sizzling one hears when microwaving a turd. [silverchips.mbhs.edu] -> -> Junior Prince Okra says he doesn't stand "because I don't feel -> like it." [www.chroniclejournal.com] => => Hammarskjold entered the game