From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 00:45:24 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > This is why all multiplayer sports should be outlawed until we > > agree that every sports team should contain most one human, > > plus a whole bunch of evil chimps. (The Toronto Maple Leafs > > have already adopted that system.) > > And the one human the Leafs contain is the dead corpse of Doug Gilmour. They used to have another dead player on the team, but he got ground up and made into some sort of consumer product with a hole in the middle. What do you call "donuts" in Canada? You would be proud of me. I just got back from dinner at a super-swanky French restaurant (thankfully, I didn't have to pay, since there's no way I could have afforded the $20 I paid for my duck leg) and I got through the entire dinner without making an ass of myself, although I did spill Perrier inside the sleeve of my leather jacket. Fortunately I can probably get the stain out if I put club soda on it. What do you call "club soda" in Canada? I'm not sure what duck confit is. It appeared to be a duck leg on top of some ordinary household lentils, with a zigzag of horseradish mayonnaise squiggled across the top. Also, 3/4 of the plate was taken up by a huge pile of some sort of dandelion-like lawn clippings. What do you call "mayonnaise" in Canada? I did not make the mistake of ordering steak tartare again this time. I've learned that it's not really steak. It's just hamburger. Also I still have not tried the escargot. I've seen them up close, and they even look disgusting. -- K. What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:49:52 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? > > A rubber band? You mean every time I've had Howard Johnson's fried clams I've been eating escargot? Ewww. I'm never going to eat at Howard Johnson's again, even if I get hit on the head so hard that I travel back in time to the 1950s. -- K. (Why bother? It won't come when you call it. At least, not before you fall asleep.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Shazbot! Why didn't you people tell me about this? Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:00:48 -0500 "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story Of Mork & Mindy", a two-hour TV-movie with some Canadian guy playing Captain Shazbot himself, will be shown on NBC Monday night. As a Canadian radio station reported, [www3.cjad.com] -> -> TORONTO (CP) -- Other actors stayed away in droves, but for -> Toronto-born Chris Diamantopoulos it was the opportunity of a -> lifetime to bid "na nu, na nu" to obscurity. Hey! I've been saying all of Mork's catchphrases ever day since the 1970s, it hasn't made me famous, or even Canadian! -> [...] -> -> There are plenty of other photo-realistic portrayals in the -> story, too, including those of Belushi, Henry Winkler's Fonzie, -> Pam Dawber's Mindy, producer-director Garry Marshall and -> Penny (Laverne) Marshall. Fake Fonzie is the sort of concept that makes my brain's skin crawl. -> Other real-life characters like John Travolta and Robert De Niro -> are referenced only, and there are other cosmetic changes made for -> legal reasons. -> -> "The suspenders are slightly different, the emblem on the Mork -> costume is different, there are a lot of subtle differences that -> had to change," says Diamantopoulos, who maintains that otherwise, -> everything has been cleared 100 per cent. There's a picture with the article. The rainbows on Mork's suspenders now have the rainbow in a different order -- white, blue, red, yellow, red, blue, white. I guess this means Mork invented the idea of a rainbow having more than four different colors in it. He's going to sue anyone who ever takes a photo of a rainbow that looks like a rainbow! Also, I can't wait to see what the just-slightly-changed-for-legal-reasons version of Colonel Green's Eugenics Wars hand-me-down jumpsuit looks like. Will it be red but with a big silver square instead of a triangle? And won't that make Mork into the world's most childlike Teletubby? -> "The movie is a dramatic interpretation of the events, so it's not -> verbatim what happened, it's just sort of a loose idea of what may -> have occurred." "For instance, we don't know how many pounds of cocaine Robin Williams snorted before each episode. So we just say it was more than two but less than seven." -> Even Williams's original material could not be used (although -> there are familiar bits like Mork's famous "Na nu, na nu" goodbye -> and "Carpe diem -- that's fish of the day"). So the writer let -> Diamantopoulos contribute some of his own Robin-like improv mania. Hmm. If he actually did any real improv, then he's _nothing_ like Robin Williams, whose standup act used to have the same "improv" every night. By the way, I do a pretty good impression of Jim Carrey as Chris Diamantopoulos as Robin Williams as Mork, but the lawyers said I had to wear plaid suspenders because otherwise my impression would be so good it would make people cry. -- K. You may now tip your tripla to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New "Doctor Who" quits already Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:13:39 -0500 According to the BBC, Christopher Eccleston has announced he's quitting the new "Doctor Who" show after the "grueling" schedule of the first thirteen-episode season. So expect an episode where the character trips and hits his head on the toilet and then gets all shimmery and regenerates into an actor with a different accent. AND REMEMBER TIME LORDS CAN ONLY REGENERATE TWELVE TIMES AND SINCE THE NEW GUY WILL BE THE TENTH ACTOR TO PLAY HIM IF WE DON'T COUNT THE GUY FROM THE STAGE PLAY AND THE GUY FROM THE MOVIES AND THE GUY IN THE COMIC BOOKS THIS MEANS THERE CAN ONLY BE THREE MORE DOCTORS AND THEN THE SERIES HAS TO END FOREVER BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GIVE A TIME LORD MORE THAN TWELVE REGENERATIONS THEY SAID SO IN AN EPISODE!!!!! -- K. <-- please pretend this is a different size capital than the others so this won't be all-caps P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!! CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON DIDN'T REALLY QUIT!!! HE JUST GOT SHOT IN THE BACK BY A CROSSBOW!!! TUNE IN TO SEE HOW THAT DALEK HELD HIS CROSSBOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new surprise hair color coming soon. Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 03:42:02 -0500 Hair color update: Well, I put the Punky Color Turquoise in. It smelled vile, like a 50/50 blend of finger paint and Robitussin. I left it in for 15-20 minutes, and shampooed. I got a nice rich cyan color. But! The stuff is evil. No matter how many times I rinsed, more blue color kept coming off and staining my face, neck, shoulders, and hands. I did about ten full shampoo cycles before blue water stopped running off, and I had to do a lot of scrubbing to remove the dye that had migrated onto various parts of my body. (My fingers are stained blue -- and that's just from the rinsing, since I wear gloves while applying.) I just know that a bunch more of this will transfer onto my pillow overnight, and I'm hoping it won't jump from my pillow onto my face. One of the best things about Manic Panic is that a couple shampoos are enough before it stops running out of my hair. This stuff just doesn't seem to be colorfast when wet. I'm not buying Punky Color again, even if it makes Soleil Moon Frye cry and lock herself inside an abandoned refrigerator. I look good in blue, but I still like the reds, oranges, and golds better. At last I can wear my blue-mirrored sunglasses. Oh, by the way, the bright blue hair makes my gray eyes look brown. -- K. Dammit, my fingernails are the color of Spock's baby booties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An editorial I liked this week. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:41:39 -0500 Usually around April Fool's Day, editorials get lame-wacky, but here's one which happens to be actually-Kibologically-wacky despite being published the same week as April Fool's Day. It's from the Salt Lake City Weekly. [www.slweekly.com] -> -> My Living Will -> -> by Joe Bartenhagen -> -> Life is a sacred thing. Particularly, I would like to point out, -> my life. So no one should kill me -- no matter what. -> -> Even if I'm totally begging to be killed, and you're like, "Well, -> it'd be pretty easy to kill this guy," don't. It can be tempting -> sometimes, I know. But even if my brain has turned into a bowl of -> Wisconsin cheese soup and every important bodily function of mine -> is conducted via rubber tubing, my life is a very special thing -> and I still have a lot to add. -> -> Sure, if I'm in a persistent vegetative state, I may not be -> someone you want to invite to your party, but I can still do many -> important things like blink, moan and defecate via some rubber -> tubing -- all of which can be fun at parties. Still don't want to -> invite me to your party? Well, I probably wouldn't even want to -> come, anyway. And it would be hard for me to get there, too, since -> my arms and legs wouldn't work. -> -> I've told my wife how sacred my life is and how, even if I'm in a -> coma for 30 years, she shouldn't kill me or date or move on in any -> way. And she promises she won't. But I wonder. -> -> She seems like a nice lady, but I've seen indications that she -> could very well be a plug-puller. For instance, a beloved family -> fish of ours recently fell victim to a vicious flushing by her -> hand. Sure, he had taken to spending most of his time floating -> belly up on the surface of his fish bowl with one eye closed. But -> his other eye was open and he could still move his fin a little. -> Using my completely foolproof slippery slope line of reasoning -> (e.g., legalization of gay marriage will inevitably lead to the -> world catching on fire and Satan ruling over us all from his -> velvet throne), if she can flush a fish, would it be so hard to -> see her flushing me down a metaphorical toilet? Or even a real -> one? -> -> As a precaution against this happening, I carry a note with me at -> all times, spelling out my wishes should I fall into a lengthy coma: -> -> "If you're reading this letter, I am probably in a persistent -> vegetative state. But wait: Perhaps, I am only very, very drunk. -> Have I recently demanded taquitos? Have I made a clumsy grab at -> your breasts? If the answer to both of these questions is no, -> chances are I am in apersistent vegetative state. (Just to be extra -> sure, poke me with a stick.) Either way, though, don't kill me! -> -> "Is my wife nearby? Is she with someone cute? Does he have a -> bigger penis than me? Ask casually -- try not to make a big deal -> about it. But if he does (I'm somewhere between 4 centimeters and -> a foot), shoo them both away from the plugs that govern my life -> functions! Did my wife's boyfriend run away like a girl? That -> figures. But that's what you get with a penis like that. -> -> "If my parents are there, see if they remember the time I flunked -> out of college and cost them $10,000. Does my mom remember the -> time I got her cigarettes for Mother's Day? Does my dad remember -> the time I was playing third base in Little League, and I wet my -> pants? Again, ask casually. If they remember any of this, get them -> out of the room immediately -- and wait for my persistent vegetative -> state to come to a sudden end." I'd just like to point out that if I'm ever in a persistent vegetative state, that's okay, but if I'm in a pedantic vegetative state, someone should unplug my computer so I won't bother the rest of the Internet. Also, if I ever enter a persistently vegetarian state against my will, I want all my friends to stuff White Castle burgers into me to make me well again. -- K. CNN.com headline right now: => => Ms. Wheelchair stripped of title for standing up Apparently the Ms. Wheelchair pageant is funded by doctors and wheelchair salesmen who want to pressure people in wheelchairs _not_ to get better. These wheelchair people don't know their place! They need to stay down there so we can keep looking over the tops of their heads to ignore them! SIT, WHEELCHAIR PERSON! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:02:58 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > So we have been invited to a lesbeen wedding. All of us? Cool. I'm gonna head right on over to the Sears tool department to do my shopping, especially because it'll make the Sears's employee's head explode when I tell them why I'm buying the pliers, due to half their brain being unable to handle the concept of an alternative lifestyle and the other half being unable to figure out what "pliers" look like. > A colleague of Vlad's and her partner (also an academic, God love them) > are having one a them alternative weddings--- a "casual event" they say. > So. > > I can handle any kind of het wedding you throw at me. There's only two kinds. Regular and shotgun. And the latter only happen on special two-part sitcom episodes. > I know what to wear what time of the day in what venue, Hint: No pajamas at the dinner table. > and pretty much what kind of gift to fork over. Don't you have a local store that sells just stuff for lesbians? Like Grand Opening in Brookline or Sears in Stupidland? > But this isn't going to be a sun-dress-and-picture-hat-in-the-garden > or a cocktail-dress-and-strappy-heels-at-the-hotel kind of event. And > gifts? I'm not even sure which one is the bride. *sigh* MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH IS THE WOMAN, AND IS IT BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE??? > So--- suggestions? > > It's at the end of April. Weather here will be iffy. As usual. Then dress in layers. Sheesh, do we have to do everything for you just because you've never had a lesbian look at you? I call on all lesbians on a.r.k to start stalking Darla and commenting on every aspect of what's wrong with her wardrobe to help her get comfortable. -- K. Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:42:38 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? > > Queer Eye for the Mortician? I've been saying for months that the TV networks need to do "Queer Eye For The Blind Guy", but noooooo, that's apparently too tasteless for them so they just keep showing "Fear Factor" and "CSI". Me, I want to do "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Guy", where I'd travel around saving people from wheat germ and convincing them to taste the bacon. "Fear Factor" has all those segments where people are forced to eat rhino rhectums, but this would be less disgusting to watch even though the vegetarian contestants would still be just as grossed out. Also I'd go into their fridge and throw out anything that's good for them. And a year later, we'd revisit all the contestants and the one who'd gained the most weight would win a year's supply of Doritos. "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Eye" would air back-to-back with "Third Eye For The Buddhist Guy", where we'd force people to experience nirvana (using the leftover bacon from the other show.) Also there should be "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy", where people who brag about not owning TV sets would be strapped down "Clockwork Orange" style and shown the twenty top-rated programs so we could watch them scream. -- K. Especially if "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy" ever makes it into the top 20. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:45:42 -0500 Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, here's a news article. [www.news24.com] -> -> Man tucks into corpse -> -> Bangkok -- A 50-year-old ex-convict found eating a partially -> cremated corpse in northeastern Thailand was arrested but freed -> without charge because police could not find a law against -> cannibalism, police said on Wednesday. I think there needs to be a song about this. The lyrics would write themselves. It would like like the old Nick At Nite jingle that had the "Happy Days" clips -- "You can say it to a date who is a dope (Sit on it, Potsie!) or even indirectly say it to comedian Bob Hope (Bob Hope can sit on it!)" Except that in this case it would be something about how "you can even eat stringy old Bob Hope (Bob Hope on a stick!)" -> Sakorn Piengphon was arrested and questioned after he was found -> two weeks ago eating the body of Kote Nonthasorn, who had been -> cremated but whose body had not completely burned, police Major -> Suphakorn Hiengboon told AFP. Oh, so that's why I haven't heard about Dracula Land lately! l'AFP has switched to cranking out articles about the joys of cannibalism! Why is this French news agency so interested? Because they love cannibalism in France! Except they ruin it by putting mayonnaise all over it. -> But because Thailand has no law specifically banning cannibalism, -> Suphakorn said the man was released without charge. -> -> "I don't know what to charge him with," Suphakorn said. -> -> "He appeared in a poor mental state. I have asked the provincial -> psychiatrist to check on his mental health," he said. -> -> Sakron was found in the act of eating Kote's unburned organs the -> day after the cremation, when Kote's relatives went back to the -> cemetery to ensure the body had burned completely and to collect -> her ashes, Suphakorn said. Didn't Captain Nemo once serve Kirk Douglas "Puree Of Unborn Octopus with Unburned Organs"? -> The cemetery in Nakhon Phanom -- an impoverished and -> drought-stricken town 740 kilometres northeast of Bangkok near the -> Laos border -- has no crematorium, and bodies sometimes fail to -> burn completely unless the funeral pyre is attended to constantly. -> -> Sakorn was released from prison last year after serving more than -> 15 years on charges of killing his mother. But still, it's nice to see that he's staying within the letter of the law now that he's a nice guy. -> He told police he ate the body because he was starving as his -> family had ostracised him since his release, Suphakorn said. Classic excuses for cannibalism: 1. ostracism 2. peer pressure 3. nothing good on TV 4. having first accidentally Krazy-Glued your eyes shut so you don't realize who you're eating -- K. Just don't tell Hannibal Lecter to "sit on it", much less "bite me". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:19:39 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, > > here's a news article. > > > > [...] > > > > I think there needs to be a song about this. > > This is a bit of a rush job. Can someone improve it? > > Out in Thailand, the cuisine is really quite nice. > You can eat like a king at a miserly price, > And all around Bangkok they've all heard the news > Of Mr. Sakron's unique barbequeues. > > Mr. Sakron, his judgements are rarely misplaced. > He seeks out the folks who have really good taste. > And critics with him may at times disagree, > But he settles them down with a Tums or three. > > Mr. Sakron's a boss whose demands are severe. > If you're not what he wants then you're out on your ear; > For his needs are exacting, and his appetite's vast, > And that's why he goes through his waiters so fast. > > His reputation is growing, his fame is worldwide > For there's no greater expert on how to treat your insides > And that's why I've no doubt that if you've read the news > You've heard of M. Sakron's unique barbequeues. Needs more Bob Hope. And meecrob. And Gene Rayburn dressed like a giant squid. And the cast of "Lost In Space" fighting the cast of "Batman" with guns that fire entire houses. And the world's smallest violin playing Mozart's Unlistenable Symphony. And the song should give you candy whenever you hear it. If it needs more improvement, that'll be an additional five dollars. -- K. What, you didn't rhyme "Sakron" with "Akron"? Needs a Goodyear blimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:11:23 -0500 And now, here's a third deformation of that Russian news story about the doctor who likes to whip and/or cane and/or spank people for money. I'm fascinated by the way this article keeps becoming deviant in different ways. It's like a game of "Telephone", but with a spanking machine involved. I tracked down the below article on Ananova.com (a British site which posts mangled, unattributed little news stories, about 50% of which smell made up) after seeing it referenced on News24.com under the headline "Spank The Blues". (But sadly, it wasn't about Patrick Lalime finally getting to play hockey.) [www.ananova.com] -> -> Scientist backs caning -> -> A Russian scientist claims a beating on the naked buttocks with a -> cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to -> alcoholism. -> -> Dr Sergei Speransky says caning releases endorphins, the body's -> natural 'happy chemicals', Izvestia reports. And if you want to get an endorphin rush and a sugar buzz, there's always candy caning! -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of -> non-vitalistic activity'. "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or "odyle"? -> Dr Speransky, a biologist of the Novosibirsk Institute of -> Medicine, claims corporal punishment helps people overcome -> addiction and depression. No, corporal punishment, by definition, makes you unhappy. It's corporal entertainment that makes you all giddy. I wouldn't trust whoever wrote this version of this article to be able to put porn tapes into the proper categories in my porn store, let alone beat me with an ugly stick. By the way, I don't actually have a porn store. -> He said: "The treatment works. I'm not sadistic, at least not in -> the classical sense, but I do advocate caning." Heyyyyy! The last two versions of the article had him saying he wasn't a masochist. And you can't not be a masochist _and_ not be a sadist. This furthers my theory that "masochism" and "sadism" are synonyms if you work at a newspaper. Someone should teach writers a thing or two about how to not seem so clueless about perversion. Here, clip and save this handy guide to the terminology: * If you whip someone else, you're a sadist. * If someone else whips you, you're a masochist. * If you whip yourself, you're lonely. (Call me.) -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger than average. -> His colleague Dr Marina Chuhrova, who also took part in preparing -> the report, said she had 10 patients she caned regularly. -> -> She added: "At first they didn't like it, but when they started to -> feel the benefits they kept asking for more." But how come none of these news sites has a video clip of the clinic's commercial? I want to hear her say "I used to not even know the word 'gummikrankenschwester', but now I am one." -> The Russian team says they are now charging for the caning -> sessions getting 57 pounds per patient for a standard treatment. Uh huh. "Standard treatment". You pay more for "Treatment with full release". Don't even ask how much "Treatment around the world" costs. -> In a new paper entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of treatment -> for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of non-vitalistic -> activity' the scientists said that when caned a person's body will -> release masses of endorphins, making them feel happier. The paper -> was presented at a congress entitled 'New Methods of Treatment and -> Rehabilitation in Narcology'. I'd hardly call torture a "new" method of rehabilitation. I mean, two thousand years ago, there was this Jesus guy who was into cross training. -- K. WOMP WOMP ow. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:19:48 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > By the way, Taly, this time Google News put each "References:" item in your headers on a line by itself instead of mashing them together in a bad way. However, there's still an extra space in your "real name". But at least Google's new format for your "References:" header isn't making my computer explode when I try to write a pointless followup and I like mittens, yay! (I could never say that before.) > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of > > -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of > > -> non-vitalistic activity'. > > > > "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence > > also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or > > "odyle"? > > mmm, subluxation. that's the thing where your spinal cord is travelling > just below the speed of light, instead of faster than light the way it > normally does. a properly functioning nervous system always travels > *backwards* in time, not forwards. Check into rehab before you get addicted to resublimated thiotimoline. > really, spanking therapy needs its own mystical jargon, since the other > jargon words are all associated with other forms of therapy: > > if your doctor says you have a: then your doctor will: > SUBLUXATION BREAK YOUR NECK > QI IMBALANCE STAB YOU IN THE NECK > VRIL OVERLOAD SEND FLYING SAUCERS AFTER YOU > ODYLE SATURATION STARE AT THE SKY AND > SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE STARS > BEING SUSPENDED IN BLUE JELLY I'm pretty sure spankological enreddenment already has its own mystical jargon. However, it cannot be explained, only demonstrated. The Naughty Spot technique, on the other hand, doesn't have any two-dollar words associated with it. It's not even a real spot. It's just an imaginary locus of spotness, like the way the Equator isn't really painted on the stupid Atlantic Ocean. So be careful when walking around because you might step on a Naughty Spot without knowing it, and then you'd be punished by not being given your happy fun spanking. Not even a Russian would spank you. > > [...] > > > > -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered > > -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. > > > > Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question > > of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated > > by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger > > than average. > > I think he's not so much saying "NO FAT CHYX" as he's suggesting that > you don't want someone more muscular than normal, because they may hit > you too hard and cause your eyeballs to fire out of their sockets and > land in the fruit salad. > > and if that happens, what is he going to stab? First off, naughty children are spanked all the time by people much bigger than them, and it doesn't do any harm to them except to turn them all into psychotic serial killers, game show hosts, and people who masturbate during reruns of that episode of "The Goodies" where they mate Rolf Harris to another Rolf Harris. Secondly, skinny guys look silly when they take off their shirts and put on an executioner's mask. They need to invent arm chaps that will let the skinny guy have a bare chest but still pad his biceps. This is why, back in the days of the Inquisition, they all wore those baggy sack dresses when torturing people -- it was really a secret society of wimpy twig-boys brutalizing strong men they were jealous of, and in fact, the Inquisition was originally called "Revenge Of The Nerds". The recent shoddy imitation of it -- Abu Ghraib -- was originally called "Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid", except they recast it to replace the fat guy with that evil sphere-headed woman. Thirdly, your eyeballs wouldn't pop out because you'd keep your eyelids shut pretty tight, though technically that would be unnecessary because you'd also have your head wrapped in duct tape to keep you from getting a good look at the inside of the olive drab plastic sandbag. Fourthly, you are spending _way_ too much time thinking about this. -- K. Did you get that weird bongo-drum controller for your Nintendo 64? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:36:49 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote (quoted in full): > > Thats fucking retarted. > there is no apolo on the oon for one thing. oron. -- K. (Is this a record?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 09:27:35 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > KiBoooo yer a fool all year. > Biboo is the pupet that stabed the king and made kids cry. > BOO BOO Kiboo Your Yogi Bear impression doesn't fool me. For one thing, you're too poorly-animated even to be Yogi Bear. For another, you're less smart than the average bear. -- K. To which king do you refer? The King of Science (Archie), The King of Terror (Me), or the Burger King (just some pervert who sneaks into men's beds while holding a greasy egg sandwich)? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Sin City Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 15:09:12 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > They do not make up for the rest of the crap, which includes Frodo as > > a psychopathic cannibal. > > > > Is there any other kind? > > Well, there are -polite- sociopathic cannibals. "Please, good yummy sir, may I have another bite of you?" And remember, not all cannibals are sociopaths. Some do it for the good of society, like that guy who's about to eat Andy Rooney. -- K. Why are all you people suddenly so pro-cannibal? Did the American government change everyone's dietary requirements again? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: That guy who's been the Pope's "Personal Secretary" for 40 years? Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 19:07:13 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to know how long we still have to worry about whether > > this particular pope is the antichrist or not. > > Some of us suspect we know the current location of the antichrist. I THINK I AM GOING TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET NOW AND I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THE COORDINATES OF THE VERY DISTANT MARKET I'M CHOOSING. RETURN TO YOUR DAILY LIVES AND DO NOT NOTICE I AM USING CAPITALS. -- K. WHY YES THIS IS AN ALPENFLAGE ZUCHETTO. THERE IS ALMOST NO DEATH RAY GUN HIDDEN INSIDE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 10:32:55 -0400 I saw this linked from Fark and I was required to comment, because otherwise it would have zapped me. [www.smh.com.au] -> -> Coming soon: a PC combat game that shoots back -> -> By Frank Walker -> April 3, 2005 -> The Sun-Herald (I loved him as the voice of the dolphin on "seaQuest".) -> A combat simulator developed for the US military that "shoots" -> back, delivering an electric shock strong enough to knock down -> players, could be the next big thing for home-computer games. I have an even better idea for a combat simulator! It could be a combat simulator that fires real bullets at people! And when an enemy intentionally kills you, you actually die! What a simulation! -> A Texas-based company, VirTra Systems, is selling the combat -> simulator to military and police forces around the world. Its -> spokesman, Steve Haag, said Australian armed forces had -> expressed an interest in getting one. ...to help Australia will continue its reign of military domination over the free world. -> Players enter a platform with a 360-degree screen that shows -> scenarios such as freeing hostages, street gun fights, taking -> out suicide bombers and team attacks on enemy positions. And -> VirTra takes the simulations a step further by enabling the -> computer game to "shoot back". Yawn. Wake me when they re-invent paintball. -> If a player fails to kill an enemy in time and the enemy is able -> to shoot back, the simulator delivers a powerful electric shock ...to the penis. Come on, you can say it. We all know the only sexual activity habitual video-game players are capable of understanding is when a computer and electricity are involved. Say "to the penis": -> through the player's hips. What would be so hard about saying "penis"? If that's too much for you, you could always just say, "Electric current goes through the player's hips, from hip A to hip B right through Mr. P." -> You definitely know you have been hit," Mr Haag said. "It has -> the same power as a stun gun. It knocks you down. So play the game sitting down. Duh! -> "You have to continue to work through the pain and keep on -> fighting, as that is what you need to do -- to keep on fighting -> even when wounded. ...'cause you never know when the enemy might try to distract you by making your crotch vibrate with a long-range masturbatory aid. -> "You have to regain your composure, shake your head, and get back -> in the fight as your life and your Go ahead, you can say "penis" here. -> unit's life depends on it." Again, how was it too difficult to say "your penis's sex life depends on it"? -> Those who play on PCs would love a game that shot back, said -> David Wildgoose, editor of the game magazine PC Powerplay. Yeah, and you know what they'd love even more? If it talked dirty to you and didn't have any sort of stupid game you had to play and you could just hit a button and it would subscribe you to free porn web sites while sending pulses of power down your pants. -> "People are already talking about something like that," he said. -> "It is possible, and is just waiting for somebody to really -> integrate it into a game." I'm waiting for someone to integrate it into "Monopoly". -> Wildgoose has noted that there are already controls that shake -> and hum as players drive or fly, and a few years ago a company -> sold a vest that vibrates as things happen on the screen. Don't forget the Auto-Suck. It vibrates and makes you hum as you drive. -> Mr Haag said the US military had embraced the technology as -> trainees were getting rapid heart rates, sweaty palms and fear -> during the simulation, just like they might get if they were shot. Getting your body torn apart by bullets makes your heart beat faster? Wow, everything I know about trauma is wrong! -> The US military had used the simulator at fairs as a recruitment -> tool, he said. "JOIN THE ARMY AND WE'LL ZAP YOUR PENIS!" Direct and to the point. They should also mention something about how opening an MRE is just like "Fear Factor". -> In a promotional video on VirTra's website, a TV reporter trying -> out the simulator yells: "Hey, shooting people is fun." And yet, ironically, Darth Vader turned _from_ the Dark Side when he saw the Emperor giving electric shocks to Luke Skywalker. I always particularly liked the way the inside of Luke's mouth lit up like a refrigerator. -> Mr Haag said it was only a matter of time and demand before the -> system could be sold to the public as a computer game. It's also only a matter of time and demand before I start selling people a rectal thermometer that pokes them in the eye. IF I WAIT FOR AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME EVENTUALLY THERE MUST BE SOME DEMAND! -> "This is ultimate shooter video game," he said. -> -> "We use real actors, not computer graphics, and when you shoot -> them they fall, but if you don't get them properly they will -> keep coming. -> -> We can put in smells and vibrations." You can, but you won't. Every two weeks someone brags about how they _can_ now transmit smells through TV or _can_ transmit smells over the Internet but then they _don't_ because that's _stupid_. It's so stupid that I chose to underline "stupid" instead of just accompanying it with the secret code that makes fart gas come out of your computer screen. -- K. Hey, shooting people is fun. They should sell a Most Dangerous Game Home Game. It would come in a big box with a guy living inside. You'd open it and he'd run out and then you could go kill him once you unwrapped the gun that would be delivered one minute later. Refills sold separately in choice of regular, athletic, or crack addict. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 15:18:23 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> A Texas-based company, VirTra Systems, is selling the combat > > -> simulator to military and police forces around the world. Its > > -> spokesman, Steve Haag, said Australian armed forces had > > -> expressed an interest in getting one. > > > > ...to help Australia will continue its reign of military domination > > over the free world. > > It wouldn't be the free world, then. It would be the > Australia-dominated world, and we'd all be either working > at Outback Steakhouse or toiling away in the prawn mines. I've always wanted to see a war between Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse and Outback Steakhouse over whether Canada or Australia has the best American cuisine. > Also in the Australian combat s(t)imulator the kangaroos are > armed with rocket launchers, just like real life. Are they rapping kangaroos? I was shocked to see a direct-to-video sequel to "Kangaroo Jack" on the shelf at Toys R Us with nobody buying it. I think it was animated, but I didn't go close enough to ascertain any details. The title is "Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A.!" Here is the full text of the most positive review on Amazon.com: -> This movie is very tooo fuuunnnyyy and the original version -> is funny to but the critic is stupid the story of this movie -> is very original. Sorry, the writer of the review is below the age of majority, so Amazon won't show the "about me" or "see all my reviews" links to let us know what he or she thought about other equally good films such as "Scooby-Doo 2", "Baby Geniuses 2", "The Cat In The Hat 2", "Can't Stop The Music 2", "The Road To Wellville 2", and "Manos The Hands Of Fate 2". -- K. "Still Can't Stop The Music" would star Horatio Sanz as Steve Guttenberg, and Andy Dick as Bruce Jenner, and a rapping kangaroo as The Village People. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 11:47:01 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > You can, but you won't. Every two weeks someone brags about how they > > _can_ now transmit smells through TV or _can_ transmit smells over the > > Internet but then they _don't_ because that's _stupid_. It's so stupid > > that I chose to underline "stupid" instead of just accompanying it > > with the secret code that makes fart gas come out of your computer screen. > > You make me cry. Now I feel stupid for having bought the Odorama 256 4D > olfactive card. Which uses the brand new SML-4 olfactive compression > standard. Now embedded into HTML. > > Here, smell my stinky old socks: > > socks Fine, two can play: nerve gas I win! -- K. Unless you're reading this while wearing a gas mask, but that would be pretty ridiculous if someone other than me did it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A new syndrome I can pretend to have! Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 11:39:57 -0400 [abcnews.go.com] -> -> Rare Disorder Causes Endless Hunger -> -> Prader-Willi Sufferers Struggle With Uncontrollable Appetite -> -> Mar. 31, 2005 -- For Maribel Rivera, the sound of an ice cream -> truck in her Los Angeles neighborhood is like torture. Just the -> sound of the music sends the 24-year-old woman into an -> uncontrollable raging tantrum. Oh boy! Know what this means? I have all the symptoms of Prader-Willi Syndrome! Or rather, I will in about three weeks when that f'ing "AYLO!" ice cream truck returns to my neighborhood. I WANT TO KILL THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK AND CRUSH IT FLAT WITH A STEAMROLLER AND PAVE IT OVER AND DRIVE A COMPLETELY SILENT ICE CREAM TRUCK BACK AND FORTH OVER ITS GRAVE AND NOW I HAVE A MEDICAL EXCUSE FOR DOING SO! Hooray for Prader-Willi Syndrome, whatever it is! -> "It's like she can't get this and she needs it. It's like the -> end of the world for her," said her sister, Mercedes Rivera. What, does Prader-Willi Syndrome make it impossible for her to figure out that money can be exchanged for ice cream? -> The cause of Maribel's rage isn't just a bad temper. It's a rare -> genetic disorder called Prader-Willi Syndrome. The syndrome -> stems from a flaw on Maribel's chromosome 15. It causes -> intellectual impairments, short stature and occasionally violent -> behavior. It also profoundly affects hunger, creating a sense of -> never being satisfied. Maribel's hunger is unimaginable. I can imagine it. Can't everyone? Doesn't everyone get violent whenever they run out of bacon? -> "She does not have what we have. We know when we're full. For -> her, it's not like that. She's always hungry. And you know we -> always have to watch it. Because wherever it may be, even if -> it's in the trash, she'll get it," Mercedes said. Hey, cool. I need to clean out my fridge, but I'm too lazy to throw out all the five-year-old rancidities. Can she come over? -> Mercedes made a documentary -- simply called "Maribel" -- in -> which she describes her sister's unceasing hunger and its -> effects on the family. In one scene, Maribel wanders off to a -> hot dog stand and, when she thinks no one is looking, begins to -> beg strangers to buy her a hot dog. So put down the video camera and buy your sister a freakin' hot dog! "Welcome to my documentary, titled 'My sister has to have a hot dog and I'm going to make her cry by not buying her one.' Stay tuned for the sequel, 'I make my sister cry even more when I give her a hot dog and then take it away.'" -> Families of children with Prader-Willi must take drastic -> measures to keep their kids from literally eating themselves to -> death. Maribel is always under supervision. -> -> Mercedes said the main concern at home is ensuring that all of -> the food in the house is locked up. "We have to lock the -> refrigerator. Any other food in the pantry, it's all locked," -> she said. But what about that giant marshmallow at the head of the bed? -> Stealing Cupcakes as a Toddler -> -> Jim and Kit Kane's 24-year-old daughter, Kate, is also afflicted -> with the syndrome. And they take similar measures to control -> Kate's eating. -> -> "We have our cabinets locked, we have our refrigerator locked, -> and I slept on the couch in the family room, because I knew she -> would come down in the middle of the night and try to get in the -> refrigerator," Jim Kane said. (Not a very good lock, is it?) -> [...] -> -> But the eating didn't stop and began to get out of control. -> When she was 2 years old, Kate started stealing cupcakes at -> birthday parties. And then there was the tragic incident when she mauled several campers when her parents took her to Jellystone Park. -> [...] -> -> Thanks to her parents' hard work, Kate qualified for residency -> in a home for adults with Prader-Willi in Wisconsin. There she -> is monitored 24 hours a day and has lost 100 pounds over the -> past year. -> -> Residents are trained in healthier living and can earn income -> doing manual labor. At last, instead of exploiting Bangladeshi children, Wal-Mart can now exploit people with genetic disorders! And it's all thanks to Rube Goldberg inventing the treadmill with a carrot hanging from a string in front of it. -> [...] -> -> Maribel's mom -- who shares her daughter's name -- points out -> there are also blessings, however. "The blessing is we've -> learned so much from Maribel," she says. -> -> "A lot of special persons [are] out there," she said. "We should -> all look and see what they have inside." Thousands of cupcakes? I'm sorry, that was a cheap shot. Now I feel bad. I'm going to go cheer myself up by having as much ice cream as I want! -> Copyright (c) 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures Yeah, so I quoted you without express written consent. What're you going to do about it, take away my delicious, yummy ice cream? -- K. Mmm, it's got real peaches in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 17:50:15 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Sure, tell a newsgroup full of insecure, habitual over-doers that they > > need to be more aggressive with their women. > > Up to a point women actually prefer it that way. Whoa there. Not all Members Of The Appropriate Sex want you to use the same approach, and the same person may want something different at different times. There are certain chicks who may be happy to have someone dressed like a pirate throw them over their shoulder and carry them off to their lair to be immediately relieved of their clothes, but there are others who will get creeped out of if you do so much as tell them what you do for a living before they ask. Some folks are looking for good listeners, others are looking to have a conversation, others want to just listen. Be aggressive only if they're looking to let you take charge. And don't even think of _asking_ your potential date whether or not you should be aggressive or passive with them, you wimp. You gotta size 'em up within a tenth of a second and then you get one and only one chance to open your mouth and if you do it wrong they will forever have a little canary in the back of their brain honking "CREEP! CREEP! CREEP!" Whatever you do, if you decide the time is right for a strong approach, don't use a canned "strong approach" such as a stupid pick-up line you learned from a Benny Hill rerun. Say something _honest_ which suggests they should be having a conversation with you (without being so forthright to preclude them being able to cognitively reframe the encounter as one they chose to go along with), such as "I wish they'd turn the music down, it would be much easier to talk," rather than something desperate ("Hi, can I talk to you?") or domineering ("Hey, let's go over there and talk.") There's also the traditional minor flattery approach ("That's a really interesting necklace") but again you have to be careful not to come on strong enough to make the red alert go off ("Your hair really turns me on!") Basically, usually you gotta be "aggressive" enough to have the courage to go up to the person and break the ice, but not "aggressive" enough to make 'em think you're trying to manipulate them out of their pants. But like I said, you shouldn't go in assuming a one-size-fits-all approach, some people will freak out if you're even that "aggressive", and others are looking for a pirate to ravish them. Whether erring on the side of docility or aggressiveness is better really depends on what type of person you're looking for. If you're not looking for the sort of person who wants to be thrown on the bed and ravished, being too aggressive will cause them to make a snap judgment that you're creepy. And if you are looking for a one-night sex romp, being meek certainly won't get you anywhere either. You gotta be aware of (a) what you want, (b) what environment you're in, and (c) guess what the other person wants or expects, then choose an approach. And if you really do all the above before taking a risk, then you're a TOTAL LOSER. In fact, if you even _read_ this whole article about how to say hello to someone, you're A TOTAL LOSER. So don't ever follow any dating advice anyone gives you, even me, because trying to follow dating advice is the surest sign that you're CAPTAIN LOSER OF NERDWORLD. Anyway, good luck with that insecurity thing. -- K. Oh, and learn to cook, and get a big library of obscure DVDs of all genres. If they volunteer that they like okra-flavored ice cream and science-fiction ballet, be prepared to say "Come on over and I'll whip you up the okraiest ice cream you ever had and then we'll watch the director's cut of 'Nutcrackinator 3000'." If you can't at least fake such an interest in providing what makes them happy, you'll be limited to dating people exactly like you and you'll never find one because TOTAL LOSERS LIKE YOU won't even talk to a TOTAL LOSER LIKE YOU. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:13:41 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? > > A drummer. > > Let's see. > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Hey, tell me a musician joke, > robot. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a double bass sound > in tune?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Chop it up and make it into a > xylophone." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Tell me another musician joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a french horn sound > like a trombone?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Take your hand out of the bell and > play without any semblance of taste." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: That's not a very good musician > joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's the difference between a > saxophone and a lawn mower?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "The neighbors are upset if you > borrow a lawnmower and don't return it." But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has ever even tried to like. I mean, the previous President of the United States played the saxophone. That made it as uncool as a harmonica already was. And bagpipes, those are just a way for Scotsmen to use up the extra tartan fabric they saved by making skirts instead of pants. > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: OK, do you know any good MATH > jokes? > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's an anagram for > Banach-Tarski?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Banach-Tarski-Banach-Tarski." Wait, Twiki wasn't a giant or a killer, even though he did once travel back in time to give Stalin lessons on how to do "The Bump". Your robot was so funny that I laughed negative Graham's Number times. Hey, how unfunny would Negative Graham's Number be? Well, that depends on how fat Graham's Number is. Let me just paste in an explanation I wrote last month but had been saving for when someone started talking about math nerdities: [forgodot.new21.org] -> -> Graham's Number -> -> The smallest dimension n of a hypercube such that if the lines -> joining all pairs of corners are two-colored, a planar complete -> graph K(4) of one color will be forced. Stated colloquially, this -> is equivalent to considering every possible committee from some -> number of people n and enumerating every pair of committees. Now -> assign each pair of committees to one of two groups, and find the -> smallest n that will guarantee that there are four committees in -> which all pairs fall in the same group and all the people belong -> to an even number of committees (Hoffman 1998, p. 54). [www.absoluteastronomy.com] => => Graham's number is connected to the following problem in the => branch of mathematics known as Ramsey theory: => => Consider an n-dimensional hypercube, and connect each pair of => vertices to obtain a complete graph on vertices. Then colour each => of the edges of this graph using only the colours red and black. => What is the smallest value of n for which every possible such => colouring must necessarily contain a single-coloured complete => sub-graph with 4 vertices that lies in a plane? => => Although the solution to this problem is not yet known, Graham's => number is the smallest known upper bound. => => In his 1989 book 'Penrose Tiles to Trapdoor Ciphers' (ISBN => 0883855216), Martin Gardner wrote "Ramsey-theory experts believe => the actual Ramsey number for this problem is probably 6," making => Graham's number perhaps the worst smallest-upper-bound ever => discovered. More recently, Geoff Exoo of Indiana State University => has shown (in 2003) that it must be at least 11 and provided => evidence that it is larger. Graham's number is also called g(64), where in Donald Knuth's notation, g(1) = 3^^^^3 (imagine those are little up-arrows) and g(n) = 3^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...g(n-1) up-arrows...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^3. Don't ask what "3^^^^3" is, but it's efuckingnormous, bigger than a zillion zillions. And that's just g(1). g(2) makes g(1) look smaller than a packet of airline pretzels. So you can imagine how big Graham's Number -- g(64) -- is. Well, actually, you can't. No human can even pretend to pretend to pretend to understand g(64). ^ | If this sentence has 64 "pretend"s in a row, it's true. If it has 65, it's false. It's just that unpretendable. Not even John Lennon and Mr. Rogers could imagine pretending to imagine it no matter how many drugs they shared in this land of Math Make-Believe Where Even Numbers Kibo Mentions Can Be So Big That They Fuck Up Your Brain. g(64) is so big that the only description of how big it is would have to be followed by more exclamation points than could fit in the Universe. g(64) a.k.a Graham's Damn Big Number makes a googolplex seem as tiny as a common household googol. It's even larger than the number of "CSI" reruns on cable today. Anyway, the solution to the problem about trapping a board of directors inside a hypercube and spray-painting them is a number which is at least 11 but smaller than Graham's Number. In other words, it's narrowed down to somewhere greater than almost nothing but less than the largest number anyone ever made up. Now that's what I call math! Extreeeeeme math! I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that Graham's Number is not exactly 298,738,125,032,839,110,943,158,462,232,734,109,666. I am so confident, I promise that if my prediction is proven wrong, I will kiss Bob Hope on the lips. By the way, when this article said "Consider an n-dimensional hypercube" and then explained that n could be any value up to Graham's Number, I hope you actually did consider a hypercube with that many zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion dimensions. Einstein once tried to consider a hypercube with only a trillion dimensions, and it hurt his brain so bad that he was reduced to a drooling idiot for the rest of his life. So imagine what will happen if you imagine a g(64)-dimensional hypertesserpolytoperacticubinous omegahedron. Now imagine Gary Gygax rolling it and yelling "N-DIMENSIONAL YAHTZEE!" -- K. In conclusion, let me just say that if your IQ is "x", my IQ is g(g(x)). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 14:36:17 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and > > a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has > > ever even tried to like. > > you forgot the accordion. Uh oh, I think Plonkwort is going to grab your ears and squeeze. > An accordion player was having a drink when he realized he left his > car unlocked, with the accordion still inside! He ran out to his > car, but it was too late -- someone had broken into the car and > left two more accordions. You lie. You can't have three accordions in one place or they explode. They're like Siamese fighting fish. Or if a color-blind guy takes Viagra, since it can't turn his vision blue it makes his head explode. So why does Viagra allegedly make your vision turn blue? I've never heard anyone here say that impotence made it turn pink. -- K. And why don't blue contact lenses also cure impotence? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy" Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 00:16:36 -0400 Well, as far as tonight's TV-movie, "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy", went... The guy playing Robin Williams really nailed the Robin Williams impression, despite not having the right face or the giant chest muscles or the fifty pounds of body hair. But he absolutely nailed the voice. I bet Dan Castellaneta will cry himself to sleep after seeing this. Bootleg Mork deserves some special award for capturing the essence of young Robin Williams hopped up on spaz dust. Otherwise... The guy playing John Byner did a fine impression of Dave Thomas. And the guy playing John Belushi did an absolutely perfect impression of Jack Black. I'm not sure who the guy who was supposed to be Jonathan Winters was playing, but he can be forgiven, as there's no way any human, alien, or robot could possibly pass himself, herself, or itself off as Jonathan Winters. Does the real Garry Marshall wear Funny Plastic Gag Teeth all the time? He seemed to have a row of bathroom tiles glued to his upper lip. -- K. I still want to date the real Jack Black, not this Tyler Labine person who accidentally played him tonight. Whoever plays me in my unauthorized biography can date Tyler Labine. Tune in in twenty years to see "Undocumented True Stories: The Making Of The Scenes Behind What Really Happened When Kibo Became President Of North America". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 11:23:25 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > Tune in in twenty years to see "Undocumented True Stories: > > The Making Of The Scenes Behind What Really Happened When Kibo > > Became President Of North America". > > You only want to become President of North America so you can pour more > public money into the Senators. It's not public money, it's _Canadian_ money. I'm going to privatize Canada so that it's one big corporation owned by the United States. I'll sell naming rights to all the provinces. Do you really think anyone's ever going to live in Nunavut while it has a name like that? Changing its name from "Nunavut" to "The Land Of Dairy Queen" would be a big step forward. > This will only cause them to become the best team ever to not have > won the Cup. Hey, they've had the Cup more times than any other if you count all those years they played before that fifty-year hiatus and if you don't deduct points for the time they got drunk and kicked the Cup into the canal. It's just that they haven't gotten a Cup since the team was re-formed within the last two decades, but in the same way that new "Star Trek" shows are still "Star Trek" and the new "Doctor Who" is still "Doctor Who" even if it's all wrong, the new Senators are still the same team that kept winning the Cup back when hockey sweaters were actual sweaters. Also the statistics get even better if you don't count the Toronto Maple Leafs as the same team back when they kept changing their name every season, since they started as the Toronto Butterflies or some other sissy thing. I would, however, institute some new policies, not just for the NHL but for all sports: 1.) The Stanley Cup must be played every year, even if the owners and players don't want to. Also, every sport will have a Stanley Cup. 2.) No sports event will be allowed to continue past its scheduled broadcast timeslot to stomp on the first half of the "NewsRadio" rerun I'd rather see than the boring car race. This mandate will require all stadiums and racetracks to be rigged with explosives which will detonate the moment the allotted number of hours are up. 3.) Uniforms may not have any logos or names on them other than the team's and the player's. The sole exception will be that all the gay players will be permitted to wear pride-flag patches, but at gay sporting events (the Gay Games, doubles luge, figure skating) only the straight people will be allowed to wear little "I'M STRAIGHT" patches. 4.) The $200 "official" player jerseys sold in stores will actually be twice as nice as the $100 "authentic replica" player jerseys sold in the same stores. There will also be $20 "acceptable" ones. 5.) Anyone caught using steroids will be forced to drink a glass of durian milkshake with extra asafetida. 6.) No player will be paid more than the President Of North America. -- K. 7.) Golf is not a sport and will therefore never be on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 19:25:41 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > You only want to become President of North America so you can > > > pour more public money into the Senators. > > > > It's not public money, it's _Canadian_ money. > > It's Canadian _Tire_ money. Can't be. It's got a picture of a Scotsman on it, so it must be Scottish Tire money. Probably only redeemable for one liter of bagpipe juice. Canadian Tire money would have a Mountie riding a beaver hard, in a country where everyone would be too polite to point out the obvious double-entendre. Also it would be redeemable for a chewy little rubber tire that says "Tim Hortons" on it. -- K. Sandy McTire isn't half as sexy as the Michelin Man. Probably can't even speak Latin or solve crises by dismantling himself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Pope and the Silver Mallet Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 01:11:05 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > back in highschool, I and my friends composed a completely insane > parody of this song with pretty much random words. it was called > "Grizzly Bear's Living Torso". > > I remember "here comes grizzly bear/exploding in his underwear/falling > to the ground/watch out as his bodily parts fly by/oh my my" but not a > whole lot else. Dear Talysman Two-Space The Urb-Eatle, Just for you, I'll write the rest of the whole story. SPOT AND GRIZZLY BEAR'S LIVING TORSO by James "Kibo" Parry suggested by a song lyric vaguely remembered by somebody other than me "Waah!" cried Spot. "My pet grizzly bear exploded all over my apartment, in his underwear!" Spot peeled a piece of bear underwear off a sateen dinette chair and used an iced tea spoon to fish lumps of bear brain out of his bowl of peanut-not-brain M&Ms. But somehow, Grizzly Bear's torso yet lived! "Rrrr!" said the headless, mouthless torso silently as it slowly tipped over, crushing Spot's model train set. Spot threw a clear plastic tarp over the bloody torso so he wouldn't have to look at it while he tried to think of a better way to avoid looking at it. Under the tarp, the torso slowly suffocated and almost died, except that there was a pinhole leak that allowed the torso the tiny amount of air required to keep a severed bear torso alive in a dog's apartment. Spot forgot all about the part of the bear that was living in agony, and even forgot about the parts that were already dead permanently stuck to the middle of his original Picasso painting. After several weeks, Spot ordered a replacement pet from Amazon.com. The new bear arrived in a battered box with a swoosh printed on it. He was much smaller than Spot's old bear, and one of his eyes appeared to have been plucked out and replaced with a raincoat button. Plus he was hardly housebroken. Spot would have flushed him, but he was too big and still had most of his teeth, so Spot put him in his refrigerator and wrote "MAKESHIFT BEAR CAGE" on it with a Sharpie. Now Spot had one bear he though was dead but wasn't, and another bear that was just disappointingly defective. He decided the easiest solution was just to move out. But he couldn't because he wasn't smart enough to open a door. Poor Spot! THE END -- K. If this story wins a Pulitzer Prize, I will eat a pound of rusty nails to show my amazement. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Pope and the Silver Mallet Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 21:28:21 -0400 [warning: this gets off on a rant about my philosophies of drawing curves when it's supposed to be talking about bleeding.] Nicholas O. Lindan (see@sig.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If this story wins a Pulitzer Prize, I will eat a pound > > of rusty nails to show my amazement. > > I am sure the Pulitzer committee would agree to that. I was kidding. I'll only eat fifteen ounces of rusty nails. Eating a full pound would be stupid. I know two people who shove long nails up their nose as party entertainment. No way would I try that. Especially because one of the two people has a habit of bleeding all over the nail when he takes it out. But that news story about body-suspension today made me think some more about getting a nice piercing. I've wanted one for quite a while, but the only place I've ever wanted one was a septum (nose) ring, and the reason I've never gotten one is that septum piercings present huge practical problems. (Septums heal very slowly, so it's months before you can take the ring out to switch to the "keeper" for situations where you can't wear the ring. You have to sleep on your back all that time, which isn't my preferred position. And most importantly, there's a non-negligible risk of a brain infection.) But reading up on how the suspensions are done (a simple freehand "play piercing" makes the hole, then a marine stainless steel fishhook is inserted) reminded me how much I wanted that nose ring. Then I wrote this article and stopped wanting one again by the time I got to "brain infection". I'll stick to my clip-ons. I'll still mulling over buying a tattoo machine to work on myself. I don't have any tattoos currently. As a guy who's worked as a really fastidious professional designer and letterer, I don't think I'd be happy with anyone else's lines on my body no matter how carefully they followed my art. I'd always know that the curves would show evidence of someone else's natural hand motions and not mine, I'd prefer to have my designs executed with my own mannerisms even if they're not as skillful as what a professional tattooist would produce. I would see the difference in the "brushstrokes" even though nobody else would. In something like this where you're drawing with a vibrating needle, every millisecond's tiny decisions about which way to move to make a smooth curve become visible (permanently!), it's a situation where the flaws (subtle bulges or flat spots) would be more visible to me than they would be in, say, writing with a bullet-nosed felt-tip pen. Tattooing isn't gestural, it's one of those arts where you do your best to get everything to go right where you want it but the spots never come out exactly where they'd make the smoothest curve so part of the technique is in distributing the overshoots and undershoots so that the too-flat regions and the too-round regions help each other instead of clashing, and that pattern of trying to get the unavoidable imperfections to cooperate with each other is unique to each artist. (I call this process "teasing out a curve" -- when drawing lettering that needs to be reproduced as cleanly as possible, I draw the outline a tiny fraction of an inch inside where I want it, and then with the tiniest tech pen I gradually push droplets of ink towards the invisible margin of where I want things to be. Tattooing is similar in that it also involves this constant battle between "if I don't put anything here, the curve will have a flat spot" and "if I do put more ink here, the curve will bulge" because the tattoo needle and the human skin are not conducive to the microscopically precise work I strive for.) Since I do occasionally write on grains of rice to show off, you can imagine what it would be like for me to go through life with someone _else's_ little accidental wiggles permanently etched on my arm. I'd rather it be my best work than someone else's significantly better work because in either case flaws would be visible to someone as micro-feature-obsessed as me, given that the resolution of even the best tattoo line-art on skin isn't past my perceptual threshold. I wouldn't object to owning my flaws, unskilled though they may be, but if a tattoo had someone else's flaws it would never feel like a part of me. Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical "tribal" stuff -- it seems like I could learn to do this style of tattooing (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would be beyond my capabilities.) But still this is the sort of idea that I should leave on the back burner for a few years to give me time to come to my senses and realize what a crazy idea it is, especially since I can't afford to start buying tattoo equipment just for myself. (A basic tattoo gun with needles and ink, plus other necessary supplies, is about $300. That's not much more than the cost of a good tattoo parlor, but it's still money that could be more wisely spent on socks or something.) Tell you what, get me that Pulitzer and I'll spend the cash part of the award on buying some books with titles like "Why Tattooing Or Piercing Yourself Is A Crazy Idea" assuming I survive once I eat those rusty nails _you_ have been insisting I eat. We agreed on fourteen ounces, right? -- K. Troy ounces, right? And if you do want your name written on a grain of rice, my rates are very reasonable (I charge by the letter.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 13:22:07 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of > > solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical > > "tribal" stuff -- > > Like a hockey puck. Or a crazy-looking mascot shaped like a hockey puck. I meant "simpler" in the "less complicated to draw" sense, not the "stupider" sense. One of the subtleties of English is that almost every adjective can also be used to mean "stupid". That's why French sucks, because it's too elegant for everyday use. French doesn't even have a word for "durhey"! > > it seems like I could learn to do this style of tattooing > > (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would > > be beyond my capabilities.) > > You could learn to do this style of tattoing? How does one learn to tattoo? Most pros learned through apprenticeship, and of course they practice on their own bodies as well as on this rubber stuff that's supposed to offer similar resistance to skin. For people who want to learn on their own, there are plenty of books and videos. (I imagine a lot of those books and videos get sold to inmates.) More interesting is the problem of learning to be a piercer. No matter how much you practiced on yourself, you'd still keep running into situations where you had to pierce something you'd never pierced before. Especially if you're not a hermaphrodite. Visiting a new piercer would be scary. "Okay, take your panties off. I've never pierced a clitoris before, but I'm sure it won't hurt any more than when I did my own earlobe! Just relax, I gotta look up something in the encyclopedia... where's that 'C' volume?" > I get it. This whole article was an attempt at recruiting guinea pigs! > (I take a step backwards. Anyone who doesn't take a step backwards or who > actually takes a step forward becomes a guinea pig.) Uh-uh. No way would I make you bleed without having a license to do that. Can you imagine the liability issues? I wouldn't bleed you if you _paid_ me. So you'll just have to settle for an Indian rope burn, though I haven't yet figured out how to make one shaped like a skull. > > I can't afford to start buying tattoo equipment just for myself. > > But it would make sense if it was for yourself and the guinea pigs. If you think tattooing is about making sense, you have greatly misunderstood the fundamentally transcendental nature of ripping up your skin and spattering blood all over and all that other fun stuff. If you can explain why you want to do something like that, something's wrong with you. It's only the people who admit that they're not making sense who are the smart ones. Logic is a little bird sitting in a tree. > P.S. Please, not everyone take two steps backwards. The needle is behind you. -- K. Anyway, I'm filing the whole issue of self-tattooing under "someday when I can afford the supplies and the inevitable emergency-room visit afterwards." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:50:37 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > My sister has a single dot tattoo from when she had a pencil stabbed into > her hand and the lead snapped off. Oh, is _that_ what she think the Australian-Parliament-mandated mind-control implant really is. > My uncle also has a single blue dot on his chest from a tattoo gun that > cost him $2 as it hurt too much when the tattooist started (he was drunk.) Wow, your family must be even bigger wimps when they're sober. > I wouldn't recommend getting a prison tattoo unless it was KING KONG and > your had no ears. Buh? And what do the original "Star Trek" Andorians have to do with this? And how come they never did an episode where they explained how they had ears in Archer's time but not in Kirk's time? Now we'll never know, given that "Star Trek" has been cancelled forever and will never be revived another fifteen times. -- K. I want a tattoo that says "I Cancelled 'Star Trek'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 02:24:07 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > My uncle also has a single blue dot on his chest from a tattoo gun > > > that cost him $2 as it hurt too much when the tattooist started (he > > > was drunk.) > > > > Wow, your family must be even bigger wimps when they're sober. > > Nuh-uh. > > My sister is currently working at a miner's camp in Western Australia and > dropped a 20kg weight on her toe (it won't stop her from drinking > though.) I was in a camp once... WHEN I WAS TEN. > My parents rode in a bike relay 500km last weekend. Ooooooh, a reeeeeeelay. The type of race for people who like races but only want to be in a tiny bit of one so that no one person gets the blame when the team loses. > My brother once rode his dirt bike into a barb wire fence and refused to > go to the doctor afterwards. Why, did he prefer to go to the doctor _before_ trying to ram the barbed wire with his face? Anyway, I note that you didn't even try to prove that _everyone_ in your family is no wimp, you wimp. > > > I wouldn't recommend getting a prison tattoo unless it was KING KONG > > > and your had no ears. > > > > Buh? > > Chopper aka Mark Brandon Read > http://www.chopperread.com/ > > Thanks. Tim? Complete, coherent sentences are better than URLs if you're not Don Saklad. My WHAT has no ears? <-- even Charles Nelson Reilly could come up with an answer before the music ends. I stopped visiting the URLs you mentioned after one of them had a picture of someone with the red hankie in the DOUBLE EWWWWW pocket instead of the REGULAR EWWWWW pocket. Fanks! -- K. I don't remember the part of the movie where King Kong became a tattooist. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 12:16:07 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of > > solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical > > "tribal" stuff -- it seems like I could learn to do this style of > > tattooing (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would > > be beyond my capabilities.) > > Tell you what: compromise, here. Try some -very very small- areas of solid > black - a micro-tattoo - and see how that works out for you. The advantage > here? If you mess up, you can cover it over with a slightly larger solid > black geometric figure! Well, duh. Of course I would start small and then overlay larger areas of color once I'm more sure of my quality of line. There's only so much you can learn from practicing on the rubber practice skin they sell -- it doesn't have the same "grain" as skin, you have to get a sense of how deep to push the needle and how much time to spend on each area. Tattooing is really not something you want done by an amateur, even if it's yourself. But one advantage of working in solid black is that either I or a professional could always go back and blot out the black stuff with larger black stuff. And no, I wasn't planning on having any on my back, unless I someday wake up Japanese enough to join the Yakuza. I was just thinking of doing my arms and legs, since the rest of me is already perfect. > Dave "leave coded micromessages for yourself 20 years from now" DeLaney That's called alt.religion.kibology. -- K. And as the last surviving Club 91 member, you may win a huge payout if you guys were smart enough to form a tontine in 1991. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 11:40:37 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I do this for Luke when he's having trouble getting up > > on the sofa. > > Dogs do not belong on sofas, you dog-abusing thug! Anything belongs on a sofa. In my view, the perfect house would have no furniture except for dozens of sofas. They make great bookshelves. Make that dozens of sofas, and one toilet. > I busted my dog twice in one day for getting up on the sofa, when he > kept forgetting that I was home. Why not get your dog his own sofa? Dogs like it when they have a piece of People Furniture that only they are allowed to sit on. Then it gets easier to keep them off everything else. It's very hard to forbid your pet from being on _all_ the furniture. You can't just reserve them a little doggie bed on the floor, you have to give them their own People Furniture. And none of that Herman Miller crap. -- K. Don't call dogslobburus or whatever her name is a thug. "Thug", "goon", and "enforcer" all have clearly-defined legal definitions, and she probably doesn't dress anything like me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 14:21:07 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Anything belongs on a sofa. In my view, the perfect house > > would have no furniture except for dozens of sofas. > > You are just doing this to be cruel to Seth Goldin, I can tell. It would hardly be worth my time to do something _just_ to be cruel to Seth Goldin. If you ever think I'm doing that, then you're missing out on all the clues to my master plan in which being slightly mean in a jokey manner to some guy I've never met on some newsgroup nobody asked for will inexorably lead to me becoming President Of North America And America's Moon. And I'll get to wear a crown containing all the candy in the world, too. (Little birdies tied to strings will hold it up so it won't crush my skull.) > I think all furniture should be tables. That's what David Siegel said. -- K. And it broke the Web. THE WEB WAS PERFECT BEFORE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:01:05 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It would hardly be worth my time to do something _just_ to be cruel > > to Seth Goldin. [...] > > Let's clarify some things. Exactly what type of furniture am I? The > last detail I remember was something about being an Ottoman. Real furniture doesn't ask silly questions or remember anything. So, the type of furniture you are is: Not very good furniture. Now, Serdar Argic, he was an Ottoman. The version of Captain Kirk who had the mullet, he was an Ottoman. And Desi Arnaz Jr.'s idea of the perfect man, he was an Ottoman whenever the closed-captioning keyboardist misheard the dialogue. But I haven't counted the number of instances of that. Someone should go do it. -- K. Yes, I do assume everyone in my audience has seen the 1973 Turkish knockoff of "Star Trek". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I saw the headline, so of course I had to read this. Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 14:05:13 -0400 [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Whatever You Do, Don't Read This... -> -> By Ellen Wulfhorst -> -> PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Reuters) -- Tony Troiano grimaced as he was -> lifted off the floor by giant fishhooks pierced through the skin -> on his shoulders. -> -> Within minutes, he started to spin, swing his feet and declare -> the painful experience "the greatest thing" ever. Nuh-uh. Doing that while eating bacon, that would be the greatest thing ever. Wait, doing that while eating bacon and playing pinball. YEAH!!! -> "I was on Cloud Nine," the Wethersfield, Connecticut teenager -> said as he joined fellow body suspension practitioners at an -> annual convention over the weekend. "It was euphoric. It was -> spiritual. I'd do it again today if I wasn't so sore." -> -> From tentative first-timers to the well practiced, more than a -> hundred aficionados celebrated their passion for body suspension -> at the three-day gathering, held in an old textile mill in -> Providence, Rhode Island. What? There was a fish-hook-suspension workshop in Providence this weekend and I missed it? Oh poo. WHY DIDN'T THE NICE NEWSPAPER TELL ME IN ADVANCE? Cancel my subscription to the Web site that's bringing me this news for free. -> To hang cost $100; just to watch cost $15 at what many say is the -> best such gathering for the hundreds, if not thousands, of people -> they estimate practice suspension across America. I think "Suspension Across America" could be as big as "Hands Across America" was, though the latter did have huge gaps in the Midwest that would be hard to stretch someone's arms across even if we pulled really hard on the hooks. And if we did it everywhere, people would be unable to avoid watching, and every time someone accidentally looked, we'd get $15! -> "Ever stand up too fast and feel like you're about to pass out?" -> said Dave Post, of Albany, New York explaining why he liked -> hanging from hooks. "It's like you're stuck at that point." Yes, that's how I feel all the time, but what would it feel like if I were suspended? -> The practice requires three-inch (7.6-cm) steel deep sea fishing -> hooks freshly inserted under the skin for each suspension. -> -> A basic "suicide" hang uses hooks in the back, a chest suspension -> requires hooks in front, a knee suspension puts the body upside -> down, and the "Superman" pose requires hooks along the back and -> upper thighs. The hooks are attached to ropes, and pulleys slowly -> lift the body off the floor. -> -> Some people spin like acrobats, some play like children on a -> swing and others hang solemnly. Some giggle, some cry. I can't say what noises I would make. Well, actually, I could say, but nobody would understand because it would all be stuff like "eeeyabbagawalaeegaaabalawagaaaawubbawabbagabbayaddagagaaaaaa!" -> "Some people have a spiritual experience, some people just have -> fun and some people don't like it and come right down," said Mike -> Giossi, a local mechanic and fan of the practice. What? Some people don't like it? That's just wrong. Those people are missing the part of their brain that tells the rest of us, "Hey, you paid $100 for this, so of _course_ you must be having fun now." -> Jess Robins, a student from Canada, hung almost motionless from -> hooks inserted through the tops of her breasts. Blood poured down -> her belly, and her legs trembled. -> -> Nearby, two men played a game of tug-of-war, pulling at each -> other with wire cables attached through their elbows. -> -> "When I first got off the ground, I never felt pain like that in -> my life. But afterward, I was just filled with empowerment," said -> Giossi. "I've never been happier than when I came down." As I always say to bad authors, "The part I liked best was THE END!!!" -> SEARCH FOR INTENSITY? -> -> Practitioners may seek the power and intensity suspension offers, -> said Karen Conterio, co-author of "Bodily Harm," a book about -> self-mutilation. Suspension also could be a rite of passage. -> -> "It's a conquest of some sort. People are pushing the envelope -> more and more to attain some kind of separation and -> identification from society, and this is one way of doing it," -> she said. "Most people who probably are pretty healthy are not -> going to go to that extreme." Dude, if everyone did it, it _wouldn't_ be "extreme". Shut your normal-hole. "Extreme" isn't the same as "unhealthy", because if it was it would be redundant to say "Drinking blue Gatorade is extremely unhealthy". -> Many practitioners say suspension is somehow therapeutic. Even the Russians know that! You are not telling me the news -- don't hang noodles from my ears.* * (old idiomatic Russian expression which means "DURHEY NO SHIT SHERLOCK", except with a more pleasing image involving human noodle-draping instead of Sherlock Holmes sitting on the toilet.) -> "Look at his face. He's so serene," said Rosemary Curtis, -> watching her boyfriend swing slowly in the "Superman" pose. -> "We've had some really rough times this year, and he needed this -> really bad." I need it really bad too! I mean I need it really good too! I mean I need either! Or both! Or neither! DON'T JUST SIT THERE, DO SOMETHING! -> Not everyone was convinced. Colin Vanalstine watched but was not -> about to try it. "I'm afraid of needles," he said. -> -> For such an off-beat practice, the convention is remarkably -> well-run, with sanitary precautions, surgical tools and almost -> military efficiency in preparing people for their suspension. You made your sale already. You had me way back at "extreme". I'm going to take up a collection next year to send me to Providence. -> Some hang for a few minutes, others for an hour or more. -> -> The biggest danger is cross-contamination, organizers said, due -> to so much open flesh and blood. Other dangers involve people -> passing out or suffering seizures, they said. My main concern would be the scarring. Or rather, it would be if I didn't already have a bunch of little scar-dots on my back from old acne. Okay, forget the concern about scarring. I'm hereby declaring that scars are cool as long as they're on me, whether or not they're from old acne. -> "The first couple of times, I didn't enjoy it," said Canadian -> Warren Hiller. "The first time I blacked out, and one time I was -> convulsing. But the third time I got better. I wasn't blacking -> out anymore." "Also, when I woke up, my pillow was..." -- sorry, I got nothin'. -> It's not masochism, said Allen Falkner of Dallas, who has -> practiced suspension for 13 years. He then put on his "Masochist" T-shirt and some Just For Masochists brand aftershave and drove off in his MasochistMobile while yelling "I AM NOT A MASOCHIST!" Then he went to Burger King and ate a hamburger while yelling "I AM NOT EATING A HAMBURGER! AND I AM NOT IN BURGER KING! AND I AM NOT YELLING!" There is nothing wrong with masochism. However, people who do it but can't _say_ it are horribly maladjusted. C'mon, be proud of it! You're telling a newspaper reporter that you like having hooks in your tender flesh but you can't bring yourself to use a _word_, you baby! If you're not a masochist, you're at the wrong convention. You should go over to the Ow That Hurts Please Stop That I Don't Like Pain Because It's All Ouchy And I Don't Want Ouchies Therefore I Am Not A Masochist convention. (Tell Lots42 I said hi.) The Please Stick Fish Hooks In Me And Twirl Me Around Your Head Until I Enter An Altered State Of Consciousness From Unbearable Pain Which Is So Fucking Awesome convention is for masochists only. Well, not just masochists, they also admit lame reporters who use headlines like "Don't Read This" instead of "Wow Cool". -> "Suspension is not about pain, it's about getting past the pain." That, I agree with. Masochists aren't people who enjoy pain in and of itself -- if they were, they'd all just stay home and cut themselves with razor blades while watching TV. It's about the aftereffects of the pain, and it's about the way these experiences affect your relationship with the people you're with when you go through with them, and most importantly, it's about recapturing that joy you had playing "Don't Touch The Floor" as a five-year-old. (Though technically your _blood_ is allowed to touch the floor if you play with the grown-up rules.) -> Advocates say suspension has been practiced since ancient times -> in many societies. Yes, but 2000 years ago it wasn't consensual. The Romans' kink was not okay, no matter what Gore Vidal tells you. Unless someday archaeologists dig up a release form Jesus signed before he paid $100 to be nailed to that jungle gym. -> "It's searching for answers, trying new things," Hiller said. -> "You can only get pierced and tattooed so many times." Not true. You can do it all over again after you get skin grafts. -- K. It's easiest if you get disposable skin grafts that attach with Velcro. It's as simple as "pierce, rip, and flush!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a great new papal name... FOR ME TO POPE ON! Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 18:40:08 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > "Pope Google I". I don't know, I think I'd rather vote for Pope TV. He'd love me 24 hours a day, personally beaming his light of truth and wackiness into my living room. (Provided I moved the TV set into the living room, which would be stupid because I never go into the living room.) But bear in mind the first Pope TV would be Pope TV 2 because the FCC ruled that there would never be a Pope TV 1 because there was too much interference in that part of the spectrum to transmit mind-control signals to the Pope's tinfoil zuchetto. I like saying "zuchetto". Zuchetto zuchetto zuchetto LOOK OUT, FLASH GORDON, THE ZUCHETTO IS BEHIND YOU! Other good ideas: Pope Fonzie, Pope Fred Flintstone, Pope Siegfried & Roy, Pope Beefaroni, Pope Plinko, Pope Inanimate Carbon Rod, Pope Satan. -- K. Poor Pope Spot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Unbelievably cruel Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 00:06:09 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I was forced to watch 30 minutes of "The Price is Right" today, and > Plinko didn't even show up once. They have about fifty different "games" (commercials), so you have to watch a whole week to see anything as exciting as a guy dropping beer coasters into an acromegalitic Galton board. Plinko is still played, just not every day. You know how when the Range Finder game comes up, Bob Barker always emphasizes that once the contestant presses the dummy "STOP" button that makes the stagehand stop pushing the cardboard arrow upwards, they can't re-start it for fifty-nine point three hours or the Universe will collapse into a black hole? Well, if they were to have Plinko two days in a row, time would reverse, causing Bob Barker to age backwards, turning into a baby 120 years from now. > I do think I saw Bob Barker's brain deteriorate just a little more, > though. When did they decide to use his reanimated corpse to host the > show, instead of using someone who was alive? Brave decision, but I'm > sure it was cost-effective. When I watch it, he doesn't even seen animated, let alone reanimated. "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends" has more realistic "animation" than the wood-sided mummiform apple-head-bot they call Bob Barker. And to think that as a small child I learned everything I know about math from this educational show. Also, I learned that Volkswagen Beetles cost $3999. -- K. I really like "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends", but that show needs more Plinko too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I would watch this made-for-TV movie... Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 00:23:38 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Late Night with Conan O'Brien > 1st April 2005 > > Of course, everyone's still talking about -- I mentioned it over there > -- now that was a great joke. The Michael Jackson trial. Everyone's > still talking -- it's a media circus. You know, everyone's talking about > this thing. As you can imagine, everyone's trying to Cash in on it now, > including NBC. NBC is not above cashing in on this thing. And I'm here > to tell you -- this has not been in the news, yet but I find out like 20 > minutes ago that NBC's already making a made-for-TV movie about the > Michael Jackson trial. And it's supposed to be hush-hush, but they just > finished the casting of this thing, and they don't want anyone to know > who's playing who, but I'm going to tell you right now, just because > it's a big scoop. > > They've Cast everybody. Check it out. I think they did a really great > job casting. They did an incredible job. For instance, judge Rodney > Melville, the judge in the case, is going to be played by Richard > dreyfuss. This is a big story, yeah. Sitcom star and trial witness > George Lopez will be played by Erik Estrada. Very happy about that. now, > this is great. Here's where it gets really good. > > [...goes on and on...] You're typing in transcripts of TV shows. You're typing in transcripts of Conan O'Brien's show. From last week. Where he talks about the wacky photos he's showing. Photos of Michael Jackson's lawyers. Photos, Tim. Conan, Tim. Michael Jackson, Tim. Unplug your TV and don't plug it back in until I say you can. Tim, you need to get professional help, a life, and an enema. The only way you could be putting less effort into getting your name at the top of a window on someone else's computer would be if you made one of those one-word "IFYPFY" followups. Those are nearly as lame as transcribing some guy describing wacky photos I can't see which I already saw last week. TIM, CALL THE BURNOUT HOTLINE *NOW*. -- K. Short shameful confession: Although I have seen every episode of Conan's show, and visited his studio, and gone on the wacky bluescreen desk ride with him, I freely admit that I find the pathetic, agonized face he makes whenever he runs or otherwise exerts himself to be funnier than any of his monologue jokes. His best "wimp in pain" grimace was in that classic "Not The Nine O'Clock News" parody of the size of the "Hill Street Blues" cast where he had to run past the camera while dressed as a cop, and they freeze- framed him so we could appreciate how this brief jog made him want to barf. That was in about 1983, so that episode will probably be on in Australia next week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Crazy Taxi, and not the funny version with the Simpsons characters Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 13:50:16 -0400 [Reuters article from abc.net.au] -> -> Study spots psychopathic tendencies among bus, taxi drivers -> -> Anyone climbing aboard a bus or taxi in Peru should think twice -> because many drivers have psychopathic tendencies, a university -> study has found. You misspelled "Boston". -> About 40 per cent of the 640 taxi and bus drivers surveyed by -> Lima's San Marcos University suffered from psychological problems -> and showed psychopathic tendencies, such as aggressive, anxious -> and antisocial behaviour, the study said. You misspelled "100" and "10,000". -> "Drivers showed they would not feel any guilt in injuring or -> running over a pedestrian," the study added. You misspelled "pedestrian, especially Kibo". -> Peru's capital, Lima, is crowded with aging, pollution-pumping taxis -> and buses, many of which do not obey traffic rules or stop lights. You misspelled "Boston" and "many of which do not obey the laws of Man, God, and physics." -> Hundreds of people die each year in bus and taxi crashes in Peru -> because of bad roads, poorly maintained vehicles and recklessness -> by drivers. You misspelled "Boston" and forgot to add "and invisible green fires only the drivers can see." -> In just the final three months of last year, at least 85 people were -> killed in crashes, according to police figures. Prosecution is rare. You misspelled "Prostitution" and forgot to add "ly cheap". -- K. Remember, folks, I must be sane because I don't even own a car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Brain zappery in the news Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 14:15:14 -0400 [news.com.au] -> -> Sony patents 'real life Matrix' -> -> From correspondents in Paris -> April 07, 2005 -> From: Agence France-Presse YAY! It's an article from the French Stupid News Agency! That means this is going to be good, or at least about Dracula Land! -> THE Japanese entertainment giant Sony has patented an idea for -> transmitting data directly into the brain, with the goal of -> enabling a person to see movies and play video games in which they -> smell, taste and perhaps even feel things, it was reported today. Oh, yeah. I saw the first commercial for Sony's new "Digital Direct Drive". It was pretty long, though, it filled a whole DVD. Directed by some sicko named Shozin Fukui. Seems that the main effect of Sony's "DDD" technology is to produce gallons of blood which is all black to exactly match your latex suit. -> The patent -- based only on a theory, not on any invention -- Oh yeah, well, I give myself until Plutonium Day to patent the theory that I like coconut because I have an atom of hydrogen somewhere in my brain. Also, I invented Dracula Land. -> marks the first step towards a "real-life Matrix", New Scientist -> says in next Saturday's issue. "Real-life 'Matrix'"? Yawn. Wake me when they invent "'Matrix' without plot holes you could drive a truck through, and especially without two really bad sequels." Also, in the new version, Jet Li should be the One. And blood should be red, not black. -> In the sci-fi film of that name, cyber-reality is projected into -> the brains of people via an electrode feed at the back of their necks. -> -> In Sony's patent, the technique would be entirely non-invasive -- it -> would not use brain implants or other surgery to manipulate the brain. Wow. Finally the people of the world will be able to watch TV without needing brain surgery before every episode. (And after every episode, in the case of Fox shows.) -> The patent has few details, describing only a device that would -> fire pulses of ultrasound at the head to modify the firing -> patterns of neurons in targeted parts of the brain. -> -> The aim, it says, is to create "sensory experiences" ranging from -> moving images to tastes and sounds. -> -> New Scientist said it was denied an interview with the inventor, -> who is based at a Sony office in San Diego, California. -> -> Sony Electronics spokeswoman Elizabeth Boukis said the work was a -> "prophetic invention" and no experiments at all had been done on it. I call dibs on the right to theoretically patent the phrase "Now that's a prophetic invention!" whenever anyone says something completely made-up. -> "It was based on an inspiration that this may someday be the -> direction that technology will take us," she told New Scientist. -> -> Independent experts said they did not dismiss the idea out of -> hand, although they also cautioned about the proposed method's -> long-term safety. -> -> So far, the only non-invasive way for manipulating the brain is crude. -> -> A technique called transcranial magnetic stimulation uses magnetic -> fields to induce currents in brain tissue, thus stimulating brain cells. Um, that's not the only way. Unless beer goggles are caused by giant magnets hidden somewhere in the Schlitz can. -> But magnetic fields cannot be finely focused on small groups of -> brain cells, whereas ultrasound pulses could be. That's why every time you hear a bat squeaking, it makes you see the entire movie of "The Matrix" for free. Because ultrasound is magic. Regular sound is for losers! -- K. "Digital Direct Drive" is a sufficiently alliterative name. But I think a better one would be "Brain-Blowing Bomb Beam Blaster". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An oldie but a goodie returns: Cashiers still confused by $2 bills Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 15:39:14 -0400 Remember Captain Sarcastic's 1993 true story of the time a Taco Bell cashier's mind was blown by seeing a $2 bill at the mall? Here's a new incident, this time with major media coverage! [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> A tale of customer service, justice and currency as funny as a $2 bill -> -> Michael Olesker -> March 8, 2005 -> -> PUT YOURSELF in Mike Bolesta's place. On the morning of Feb. 20, -> he buys a new radio-CD player for his 17-year-old son Christopher's -> car. He pays the $114 installation charge with 57 crisp new $2 bills, -> which, when last observed, were still considered legitimate currency -> in the United States proper. The $2 bills are Bolesta's idea of -> payment, and his little comic protest, too. "Crisp new $2 bills"? Interesting, I didn't know they'd printed another run of them. But I checked a US Treasury Web site and they did indeed print a batch of them in 2004 (the first ones since 1997.) That means I'm gonna have to get me some. And some Kennedy half-dollars. And some of those damn Sacagaweas. And then find something that costs exactly $3.50 just so I can flummox cash-register jockeys. -> For this, Bolesta, Baltimore County resident, innocent citizen, -> owner of Capital City Student Tours, finds himself under arrest. -> -> Finds himself, in front of a store full of customers at the Best Buy -> on York Road in Lutherville, locked into handcuffs and leg irons. Best Buy has leg irons now? What department are they in? I've never been able to find them, and I've looked everywhere. -> Finds himself transported to the Baltimore County lockup in -> Cockeysville, where he's handcuffed to a pole for three hours -> while the U.S. Secret Service is called into the case. -> -> Have a nice day, Mike. This reporter is a bigot because he only wished Mike a nice day, and not the guy he was cuffed to! The one from Warsaw! -> "Humiliating," the 57-year old Bolesta was saying now. "I am 6 -> feet 5 inches tall, and I felt like 8 inches high. To be -> handcuffed, to have all those people looking on, to be cuffed to a -> pole -- and to know you haven't done anything wrong. And me, with -> a brother, Joe, who spent 33 years on the city police force. It -> was humiliating." -> -> What we have here, besides humiliation, is a sense of caution -> resulting in screw-ups all around. "Screw-up" or "kinky pole dance"? YOU BE THE JUDGE! Just hide some two-dollar bills under your judicial robe so you can tuck 'em into his G-string. -> "When I bought the stereo player," Bolesta explains, "the -> technician said it'd fit perfectly into my son's dashboard. But it -> didn't. So they called back and said they had another model that -> would fit perfectly, and it was cheaper. We got a $67 refund, -> which was fine. As long as it fit, that's all. -> -> "So we go back and pay for it, and they tell us to go around front -> with our receipt and pick up the difference in the cost. I ask -> about installation charges. They said, 'No installation charge, -> because of the mix-up. Our mistake, no charge.' Swell. -> -> "But then, the next day, I get a call at home. They're telling me, -> 'If you don't come in and pay the installation fee, we're calling -> the police.' Jeez, where did we go from them admitting a mistake -> to suddenly calling the police? So I say, 'Fine, I'll be in -> tomorrow.' But, overnight, I'm starting to steam a little. It's -> not the money -- it's the threat. So I thought, I'll count out a -> few $2 bills." -> -> He has lots and lots of them. Big deal. I've got lots and lots of $1 bills and a stapler so I can make my own $2 bills or even $3 bills or $4 bills. (The $2 and $4 bills are the heterosexual ones, because all odd numbers are inherently gay.) -> With his Capital City Student Tours, he arranges class trips for -> school kids around the country traveling to large East Coast -> cities, including Baltimore. He's been doing this for the last 18 -> years. He makes all the arrangements: hotels, meals, -> entertainment. And it's part of his schtick that, when Bolesta -> hands out meal money to students, he does it in $2 bills, which he -> picks up from his regular bank, Sun Trust. -> -> "The kids don't see that many $2 bills, so they think this is the -> greatest thing in the world," Bolesta says. "They don't want to -> spend 'em. They want to save 'em. Now that's great. And it also has the benefit that when the bus stops at Taco Bell, he can watch all the students get arrested! He should give the good students $1 bills and the bad students the $2 bills. That way on each field trip only some of the students would come back. It would be like a kindler, gentler version of Fukasaku's "Battle Royale". (It would have a bunch of American bathroom jokes dubbed over all of Takeshi Kitano's dialogue.) -> I've been doing this since I started the company. So I'm thinking, -> 'I'll stage my little comic protest. I'll pay the $114 with $2 bills.'" -> -> At Best Buy, they may have perceived the protest -- but did not -> sense the comic aspect of 57 $2 bills. -> -> "I'm just here to pay the bill," Bolesta says he told a cashier. -> "She looked at the $2 bills and told me, 'I don't have to take -> these if I don't want to.' I said, 'If you don't, I'm leaving. -> I've tried to pay my bill twice. You don't want these bills, you -> can sue me.' So she took the money. Like she's doing me a favor." -> -> He remembers the cashier marking each bill with a pen. Then other -> store personnel began to gather, a few of them asking, "Are these -> real?" -> -> "Of course they are," Bolesta said. "They're legal tender." That's why they won't take them at Taco Bell, because their artificial steak tacos aren't legally tender. -> A Best Buy manager refused comment last week. But, according to a -> Baltimore County police arrest report, suspicions were roused when -> an employee noticed some smearing of ink. So the cops were called -> in. One officer noticed the bills ran in sequential order. Yep, a sure sign of counterfeiting. Real money has the same serial number on every bill. The government would never be so careless as to print bills with different numbers, let alone in order! -> "I told them, 'I'm a tour operator. I've got thousands of these -> bills. I get them from my bank. You got a problem, call the -> bank,'" Bolesta says. "I'm sitting there in a chair. The store's -> full of people watching this. All of a sudden, he's standing me up -> and handcuffing me behind my back, telling me, 'We have to do this -> until we get it straightened out.' -> -> "Meanwhile, everybody's looking at me. I've lived here 18 years. I'm -> hoping my kids don't walk in and see this. And I'm saying, 'I can't -> believe you're doing this. I'm paying with legal American money.'" -> -> Bolesta was then taken to the county police lockup in Cockeysville, AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF APPROPRIATELY WACKY HICK-TOWN NAMES!!! OH, LOOK! THE BEARS ARE CELEBRATING THE CONCEPT OF COCKEYSVILLE! THEY'RE DANCING AND SINGING AND LIGHTING THEIR CIGARS WITH $2 BILLS! -> where he sat handcuffed to a pole and in leg irons while the -> Secret Service was called in. -> -> "At this point," he says, "I'm a mass murderer." SO HE ADMITS IT!!! -> Finally, Secret Service agent Leigh Turner arrived, examined the -> bills and said they were legitimate, adding, according to the -> police report, "Sometimes ink on money can smear." -> -> This will be important news to all concerned. Yesterday I was cooking someone a special curry and I needed snow pea pods and, because we were limited to shopping in downtown Boston, the market didn't have any "fresh" produce that wasn't icky and rotting, and the only frozen snow pea pods I could find were in a Birdseye bag of 70% cauliflower, 25% carrots, and 5% pea pods, so I bought one of those bags just to pick out the pea pods which were required, and I washed my hands, and then I ripped the bag open and my hands became navy blue because the ink on the bag smeared, so then I had to wash my hands again. My question is, how come nobody got arrested? Either Clarence Birdseye should have been busted for using smeary ink, or I should have been jailed for separating mixed vegetables. -> For Baltimore County police, said spokesman Bill Toohey, "It's a -> sign that we're all a little nervous in the post-9/11 world." It's an Al-Qaeda plot! If they sneak enough $2 bills into Best Buy stores, the stores will have to shut down when all the employees get ink poisoning from the special smeary $2 bill ink, and then Americans will no longer be able to get DVDs of "Baby Geniuses", thus destroying the "Baby Geniuses"-related sector of the American economy! -> The other day, one of Bolesta's sons needed a few bucks. Bolesta -> pulled out his wallet and "whipped out a couple of $2 bills. But -> my son turned away. He said he doesn't want 'em any more." -> -> He's seen where such money can lead. My strategy with $2 bills is that if people won't take them, the best approach is to say, "Oh, those are just $20 bills where the zeroes fell off. See, when they glue the numbers on, they put a little dot of glue in the center of the number, but they forget zeroes have holes in the middle, which is why this bill is worth $20, I demand you give me an $18 bill as change. You can make one by stapling a negative $2 bill to one of the real $20 bills in your register. Here's the negative $2 bill you'll need, and a stapler. Staple my change now or I'll have _you_ arrested!" -- K. People here usually accept Canadian nickels and quarters. What about toonies? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 18:00:09 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Related news: "The pitfalls of DIY beauty -- burns and botched > Brazilians" > > [www.timesonline.co.uk] > -> > -> DO-IT-YOURSELF beauty treatments are causing women a litany > -> of disasters, including botched "Brazilian" waxes and > -> horrendous hair dyes. Those attempting to go blonde often > -> end up ginger, > > Here in UKistan, that can lead to serious mockery. ...or at least lead to an exciting adventure where you get to hang out with the Tomorrow People even though you're just a Muggle. > -> while attempts to remove unwanted hair can result in > -> unsightly rashes or hot-wax burns. > > Ouch. Yes, but if Margaret Houlihan had married Frank Burns she'd be Hot Lips Burns, and then in a very special episode where she crossed over into the other universe where everyone is evil and Spock has a beard, she could have a lesbian affair with her evil twin, leading to Hot Wax Burns on Hot Lips Burns action. > -> Home Brazilian waxes, to remove all pubic hair, an > -> uncomfortable process even when done by the professional, > -> were also a common disaster zone. "We have heard anecdotes > -> from women who started doing their own Brazilian treatment > -> but found it so painful they had to stop part-way through." > > Hmm. What's "Hmm." about someone who has pubic hair on the left side of their crotch but not the right? Oh, I get it, you're making a callback to that story about Tim Chim's uncle wimping out. Tim, please never again tell us about your uncle's one-sided crotch 'do. > -> Another, more serious, problem was plastic surgery gone > -> horribly wrong, she said. "We have all heard stories about > -> having treatment on the cheap abroad and in the UK and > -> ending up with a disastrous outcome -- implants coming out, > -> nose jobs that end up worse than before the treatment." > > No mention of botched home sphincter treatments! But I'm sure > someone will try it. Dude... You've forgotten Michael Jackson exists. Shame on you. NEVER FORGET ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON AGAIN. It's un-American to not care about him and the way he spends an hour a day sitting in a pan of Clorox. -- K. Now, who wants to squiggle? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 11:23:22 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yes, but if Margaret Houlihan had married Frank Burns she'd be > > Hot Lips Burns, and then in a very special episode where she > > crossed over into the other universe where everyone is evil > > and Spock has a beard, she could have a lesbian affair with > > her evil twin, leading to Hot Wax Burns on Hot Lips Burns action. > > You like classic Star Trek, don't you really? > So do I, it's nothing to be ashamed of. On the other hand, you like classic "Star Trek" so much that you chose not to watch the "Deep Space Nine" episode which was the primary reference here, the big-deal rating-stunt event with TV sci-fi's first lesbian romance. They went into that evil universe from the original show, the one where Spock had the beard and the Myotron. Evil Kira kept coming on to Regular Bad Actress Kira. You see, on most TV shows, when you want to get away with someone doing something gay, lesbian, or kinky, you can only show evil characters being gay, lesbian, or kinky, because everyone knows that only bad people do this stuff, and that's a convenient excuse for them to suffer for their sins later in the same manner as how the Hays code used to dictate that easy girls all had to die at the end of the movie. "Star Trek" fortunately had a regular version and an evil version of every character, so of course they were able to make some of the evil ones non-heterosexual. "Babylon 5" would later feature a much more understated lesbian crush by one bad actress on an actual different bad actress. But "Babylon 5"'s actresses were worse than Nana Visitor, therefore I'm not sure how to score this. "Babylon 5"'s Patricia Tallman eventually proved to be a better actress than either of the two actresses involved in the lesbian crush, but she was also Dr. Crusher's stunt double in "Star Trek: Generations", leading to the possibility of another "Star Trek" same-person lesbian romance between a "Star Trek" character and a "Babylon 5" character, but Dr. Crusher explained that she could never love a woman in that episode where she fell in love with the brain slug that got implanted first into Riker's body and then, horrifyingly, in a woman's body, so that further messes up my scorecard. TV should be easier to understand -- all the actors and actresses should wear little badges that change color to indicate sexual orientation related to potential romances with characters from other shows in fan-fiction crossovers. > > [...] > > > > Oh, I get it, you're making a callback to that story about > > Tim Chim's uncle wimping out. > > No, but now I'll have to look it up. What Tim said: -> -> My uncle also has a single blue dot on his chest from a tattoo gun that -> cost him $2 as it hurt too much when the tattooist started (he was drunk.) Also he probably followed ended the article with "Thanks." because he would feel guilty if you forced yourself to suffer through an entire article of his without some sort of reward. > > Tim, please never again tell us about your uncle's one-sided crotch 'do. > > And probably regret it. Oh, I'm sure he knew it would get him teased. Why else would he say "Thanks"? I was just hoping he'd post a followup to this thread because I wanted to zing him with "HEY TIM, WALKER TOLD ME YOU HAVE AIDS," so that he'd be baffled because he's watching Conan O'Brien's show from last week instead of this week and hasn't yet gotten to the one where Conan shows the clip from "Walker, Texas Ranger" that they had previously decided they should never, ever show. It went something like this: ELDERLY OATMEAL SPOKESMAN Welcome to the Indian Reservation For Cute Orphans, kid! LITTLE BOY Wow! Gee! ELDERLY OATMEAN SPOKESMAN We've got lots of horses here. Do you like horses? LITTLE BOY I like horses. Walker told me I have AIDS. Obviously it was a _very_ special episode where Chuck Norris travels around giving children HIV test results just so he can see the looks on their faces. Someone really should put a stop to him and his rangering of terror. Anyway, I think "WALKER TOLD ME YOU HAVE AIDS!" should be the hot new catchphrase, just to rub it in that we've seen that episode of Conan's show but people in Australia haven't. You know why they only get week-old Conan reruns in Australia? Because Walker told me Australia has AIDS. But no, Tim didn't yet post any followups to your article about how he said something zingable in another thread, so I don't get to say "HEY TIM, WALKER TOLD ME YOU HAVE AIDS" here. With luck he'll say something before that episode airs next week so I can surprise him with that hot new catchphrase he doesn't know about yet. Also, Tim, I hope you don't actually have AIDS, because that would make this in very bad taste. I suggest you think carefully if you decide to get AIDS because it would spoil this catchphrase for everyone. -- K. Walker told me I have better hair than Conan. "Many scenes cannot be presented without arousing dangerous emotions on the part of the immature, the young or the criminal classes." -- Hays Code (1930) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sphincter bleaching Date: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 16:24:02 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > ...was mentioned last night on SNL. Kibo is out ahead of the curve > once again! Dude, a thalidomide ameba could creep ahead of popular culture faster than "saturdaynightlive" or however they're typesetting the title these days. To say nothing of unpopular culture, such as butt bleaching. Remember the fad about four years ago for "blasted" jeans, that had white stains on the butt that made it look like you sat in bleach? And remember how I observed that they were mainly worn by Asian-Americans? Well, sphincter bleaching is an Asian thing, so I think we can say I called this one _years_ ago. -- K. Wake me when they invent a vanishing cream that makes assholes disappear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stay tuned for... POLICE BLOTTER! In color! Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 18:29:51 -0400 The police blotter is the only thing I read in the Boston Herald. These two entries are from the last two days. [news.bostonherald.com] -> -> Dorchester -> -> A Dorchester man was busted for allegedly carrying rubber checks -> so big he could have dribbled them to the bank. -> -> Thanh Nhat Le, 51, was nabbed at Sovereign Bank on Dorchester -> Avenue Tuesday afternoon allegedly trying to cash a phony check -> for $7,550. Even though Le had opened the account with just $171 -> in small bills last week, he apparently thought the check would -> clear because of large check deposits he had made, police said. -> -> One check was written out for $4 billion; another for $2 million; -> and another for $250,000. The bank's loss prevention specialists' -> suspicions were aroused by the colossal deposits -- the millions -> were mailed in last month and the billions were deposited Monday -- -> and they contacted police. A check for $4,000,000,000.00 is indeed pretty suspicious. He should have made it out for $4,137,298,604.38. And written "THIS IS NOT FRAUDULENT" in the memo space. -> Cops from C-11 were called to the bank yesterday as the 5-foot-6-inch, -> 140-pound suspected conman was arguing with a teller. He was arrested -> for fraud, charges that were made worse during the booking process -> when police allegedly found in his pockets a stash of eight diamond -> rings, stolen credit cards and a pile of bogus checks made out in -> large amounts to banks across the city. -> -> There was also a check for $31,342 made out to Shreve Crump & Low. One wonders why he'd need to steal credit cards if he already had this brilliant scheme to cash a check for FOUR! BILLION! DOLLARS! He could have just used his four billion dollars to buy one of the big credit-card companies and then change the fine print to say that he could charge anything he wanted to any of his customers' cards. Or he could buy Blockbuster and then he wouldn't have to change the fine print at all. -> Downtown Crossing -> -> Cone of silence. -> -> A 44-year-old man walking his dog on Washington Street armed -> himself with an orange plastic traffic cone after another man, -> Nam Huy Huynh, 42, allegedly tried to stab him in the chest with -> a broken light bulb. -> -> The cone turned out to be the better choice. The dog walker wasn't -> injured and Huynh was arrested. "The cone is mightier than the bulb" isn't anything Shakespeare would say even if he weren't so incredibly dead. But still, I could see a cone-versus-light-bulb fight happening in something like a Takashi Miike V-cinema release. Seijun Suzuki might try something like that, too (he'd be fascinated by the pretty color of the orange cone) but he'd probably get blacklisted halfway through the movie. And then the movie would have to be finished by Quentin Tarantino, and he'd have Mr. T holding an orange cone yelling "I'M GONNA CONE YOUR ASS, FOOL!" to Steve Buscemi after Buscemi jabbed a broken fluorescent blacklight tube into T's heart. Then they'd dance to Potsie's "Chambers Of The Heart" song. Also Don Adams would have a telephone hidden inside his butt for several years. Hey, don't complain, I'm just trying to nail Quentin Tarantino to the "Cone of silence" headline. -- K. There should be a newspaper that just contains police blotters from every city in the state. No Pope news, no Michael Jackson news, no "Classic Peanuts". Just who stole what from whose parked car. I'd read that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Is this a blog? Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 18:37:47 -0400 Sirdar Bey (sirdarbey@gmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: Is this a blog? > > It reads like a blog, but without all the annoying trackback links. This is a "newsgroup", part of a network called "Usenet". It's the hot new thing. It'll render blogs obsolete. I predict that within a year there will be hundreds of these "newsgroups"! -- K. Whatever you call it, it's better than TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why are corn flakes illegal in Canada? Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 10:43:59 -0400 Okay, I'm up early, and its you people's fault for giving me a weird dream. This is the first dream I can recall that actually referenced alt.religion.kibology. A group of us from a.r.k were gathering somewhere in Canada. Our hostess shall remain nameless, since her house isn't actually in Canada, but for some reason in the dream we went to her house in Canada. She had bought me a box of corn flakes because she was under the mistaken impression that they were one of my hard-to-find food obsessions. To be polite, I ate a bowl. Right when I was finishing the bowl, the doorbell rang. It was a Mountie. He informed me that they had searched the house's trash can and found some corn flakes, and therefore the Mounties were going to come back tomorrow and take us all to jail. When he left, we made a group decision to pile into the cars and run for the border, though I suspect that if I hadn't woken up we would have been arrested at the border because surely the Mountie guy must have taken note of all the license plates during his checking of all Canadian trash cans for illegal corn flake residue. Then we would have been beaten to death by insane border guards if we crossed at Toronto. So, folks, what's the deal? Why did I dream that corn flakes are illegal in Canada, why were there any in the trash can, and why did the Mountie give us such a convenient chance to go on the lam? -- K. The Mountie had nice boots. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why are corn flakes illegal in Canada? Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 22:20:25 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I think a pr0n movie with the title "My First pR0n Movie" written in > a childish scrawl (the Rs could be reversed! think of the hilarity!) Note, "TV Funhouse" did that famous "PORN FOR KIDS" segment (which just consisted of a porn movie edited down to three seconds of people talking, plus credits) which Comedy Central censored down to "PORN FOR EVERYONE" in repeats. I liked the irony that the point of "PORN FOR KIDS" was that it was already edited down to nothing, and then Comedy Central came along and even took the nothing out. > would be the perfect movie to simultaneously offend both the morally > upright and the sexually perverse. we need to think of more things that > simultaneously offend groups that hate each other, because then the > cognitive dissonance will cause their heads to explode. "Can't Stop The Music". You're welcome. Also, "CSI" is a show about how every week, a different sexual deviance leads inevitably to murder. Just the thing to offend both the prudes who don't want to see the dominatrix on TV as well as the people who want the dominatrix to be allowed to live. > "MUST! FORCE! SELF! TO ENJOY! THING I HATE! ... NO! I CAN'T! I'M > BECOMING MY OWN ENEMY!" Now you know why I watch "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". I am oddly fascinated with the way it makes me want to punch fags. Well, 60% of fags. 20% of them are normal human beings and the remaining 20% are oddly cute in an ugly sort of way even though they never do anything. > I think we need to pinpoint the exact moment of Kibo's dream as well, > because I noticed on LiveJournal everyone else had weird dreams around > the same time I had a weird dream about a tiny living shard of glass > that behaved sort of like a puppy, scampering around a giant female > amoeba who patted the glass-shard with a pseudopod and said "awww! he > likes me!" only thing is, the glass-shard was trying to warn Ms. Amoeba > about the people she was with. > > I forget what kind of inanimate objects the dangerous people were. That's what you get for having that Edward Gorey mural painted on your bedroom ceiling. Cover it up with a mirror. Then when Carson and Thom and Kyan come over to laugh at your mirror, punch 'em for me. -- K. If Jai comes over, give him directions to my place. I really need help with whatever he's an expert in. Stuff? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why are corn flakes illegal in Canada? Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 14:36:20 -0400 Mr. Stabby (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, folks, what's the deal? Why did I dream that corn flakes are > > illegal in Canada, why were there any in the trash can, and why > > did the Mountie give us such a convenient chance to go on the lam? > > [...] I've did my patriotic duty and informed Homeland Security of your > guilty conscience. You must have done *something* wrong to be dreaming > stuff like that. Or maybe I'm about to do something evil. COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!! -- K. What do you call those weird things people use to cut the tops off soft-boiled eggs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 15:06:14 -0400 Gee. What a surprise. Looks like the police agree with just about everyone else that she was just trying to extort money with Wacky Gag Finger. [abcnews.go.com] -> -> Home of Woman in Finger Claim Searched -> -> Police Search Las Vegas Home of Woman Who Claimed to Find Finger -> in Bowl of Chili at Wendy's -> -> The Associated Press -> -> Apr. 8, 2005 -- Investigators searched the Las Vegas home of a -> woman who claimed she scooped up a mouthful of finger along with -> her chili at a Wendy's restaurant last month. Kibo's Reply Kibo Is Posting A Reply To This Article James "Kibo" Parry, who has just read this news article, is currently drafting a reply to the same article, to be posted shortly. The organic life form known as James "Kibo" Parry, alias Mr. J. Parry, alias The King Of Terror, alias Hacksaw, has completed the systematic linear interpretation of this article's contents by scanning his eyeballs back and forth across it to identify the linguistic symbols within and extract their meaning. Kibo is now moving his fingers, which contain joints, so that they press against his computer's keyboard, which contains springs, in order to construct a quantity of text to carry his response, which will be broadcast over the Internet, which is full of bozos. Kibo likes chili. -- 30 -- -> City police, working with their counterparts in Las Vegas, served -> the warrant Wednesday as they investigated how a finger ended up -> in Anna Ayala's bowl of chili. Jumped, fell, or was pushed? -> "We are looking into every aspect in this case," San Jose police -> spokeswoman Gina Tepoorten said. "We are talking to people she -> knows as well as the finder of the finger. ... We want to -> determine who this finger belongs to how and how it ended up in a -> bowl of chili." Perhaps it jumped into the chili, or it fell into the chili, or it was pushed into the chili? DEAR dear REPORTER reporter IS is THERE there AN an ECHO echo IN in YOUR your HEAD head? AN an ECHO echo WHICH which MAKES makes EVERYTHING everything MORE more EXPLICIT explicit THE the SECOND second TIME time? -> Police would not say what listed in the warrant. Here's a good legal question: If you're taking out a warrant for severed fingers, are they considered property or persons? -> Ayala, 39, was at the San Jose restaurant March 22 when she -> claimed she scooped up the 1 1/2-long fingertip. She later filed -> a claim with the franchise owner, Fresno, Calif.-based JEM -> Management, Corp. -> -> "Just knowing that there was a human remain in my mouth ... -> it is disgusting. It is tearing me apart inside," Ayala told ABC's -> "Good Morning America" on March 28. -> -> Wendy's spokesman Bob Bertini would not comment on the police -> investigation. He was probably too busy grinning and cracking his knuckles as his minions prepared the special extra-greasy Wendy's torture chamber to receive the latest fool who dared to piss off the late Dave Thomas, the evil mastermind still running the Wendy's totalitarian empire despite being a disembodied brain in a beer bottle somewhere in Melonville, Ohio. -> There was no answer at a phone listed for an Anna Ayala in Las Vegas. -> -> On Thursday, Wendy's announced it would give a $50,000 reward to -> the first person providing verifiable information leading to the -> positive identification of the origin of the finger. -> -> "It's very important to our company to find out the truth in this -> incident," said Tom Mueller, Wendy's president and chief operating -> officer. -> -> Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the food chain in its -> ingredients. All the employees at the San Jose store were found to -> have all their fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy's ingredients -> have reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said. But maybe it was a COW finger! Ever think of that? I bet even Rod McKuen couldn't think of a cow finger! -> The Santa Clara County coroner's office, using a partial -> fingerprint to attempt to find a match in an electronic database, -> came up empty. DNA testing is still being conducted. OooooOOOOOOOooooo. An e-lec-tron-ic database. As opposed to the type kept in glass jars. -> Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or -> redistributed. -> -> Copyright (c) 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures Hey Associated Press, ABC News is trying to steal your copyright. Hey ABC News, the Associated Press is trying to steal your copyright. -- K. My article, and all material it quotes, is Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry and if you read this sentence all the way to the end, you waive your right to not send me candy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Fri, 08 Apr 2005 19:46:05 -0400 More updates on the world's most famous chili/finger interaction. [abclocal.go.com] -> -> The search warrant does say that police are interested in the -> possibility that the finger came from the dead aunt of the -> alleged victim. Eww. I've seen the photos of the alleged finger, so this means her aunt had really weird-looking blobby fingers with crummy press-on nails. She must have been some sort of cross between a Shar Pei and an amoeba, with a Lee Press-On Nail glued on every even-numbered wattle or dewlap. Unless, of course, it was just all bloated and deformed from having been kept soaking in the alleged victim's bathtub for months. There's no way being cooked in Wendy's chili could have made it deteriorate like that, because Wendy's chili is milder than water. [www.latimes.com] => => In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, Ayala angrily => denied planting the finger. She accused San Jose and Las Vegas => officers of bursting into her home with guns drawn on her and => her family. => => "They put guns to us and handcuffed us and threw us to the ground => in front of all my neighbors," Ayala said. "They treated us like => trash, like terrorists. It's the worst nightmare," she said. Yeah, people who put their dead relatives' body parts into food deserve to be treated slightly differently than other types of terrorists. But the same as any others who are in that little orzo-shaped sliver of the Venn diagram that represents "cannibal" overlapping with "extortionist" and "terrorist" and "liar". This business with the handcuffs -- if it did happen anywhere other than in her quotation -- is going to be the least of her troubles once the Wendy's corporation starts taking revenge on her for trying to take advantage of their harmless, watery chili. One day she'll wake up on the inside of whatever giant machine they use to cut the sides off their hamburger patties to turn them from circles to squares. -- K. Turns out the dead aunt's will said "I LEAVE MY FINGER TO MY SLEAZY NIECE'S CUP OF CHILI." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:00:03 -0400 Another chilifingertastic news flash. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Finger-finder decides not to sue -> -> By Linda Goldston -> Mercury News -> -> The Las Vegas woman who said she found a 1 1/2-inch chunk of -> finger in a bowl of chili at a San Jose Wendy's has decided not to -> pursue legal action against the restaurant chain, and her attorney -> has withdrawn from the case. "I've dropped my baseless lawsuit over the finger I put in my own chili. That means I'm no longer a liar, right?" -> But Anna Ayala's decision does not end the police investigation -> into how the finger got into the chili. In a strange twist, the -> news came on the same day the Mercury News learned of a late -> February incident in Pahrump, Nev., in which a spotted leopard bit -> off part of a finger -- about 1 1/2-inch worth -- of a woman who -> had been keeping the exotic cat and other animals. -> -> The finger was reportedly not reattached, and San Jose police said -> they are investigating whether it is linked to the case. "Reportedly not reattached"? One would think there would be little doubt about its status, unless the woman had it reattached but kept doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke entering the Twylo Zone. -> Jeffrey Janoff, the San Jose attorney who represented Ayala until -> Tuesday, said his client was dropping her claim against Wendy's -> because ``this has caused her great emotional distress and -> continues to be difficult emotionally.'' "Lying is hard!" -> Citing attorney-client privilege, Janoff would not say why he -> withdrew from the case. But he said his statement had nothing to -> do with the incident in Pahrump, which is about 45 miles southeast -> of Las Vegas. Maybe the finger is all that's left of Jack Black after he got blasted by Martians in Pahrump in that really bad movie with the best cast ever except without enough Jack Black. Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson's identical twin, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, Tom Jones, Jim Brown, Lukas Haas, Natalie Portman, Pam Grier, Lisa Marie, Sylvia Sidney, Jack Black, Paul Winfield, Rance Howard, Christina Applegate, Joe Don Baker, and a script consisting of a handful of old trading cards. -> Denny Lynch, vice president of communications for Wendy's, learned -> of the Nevada incident and news that Ayala will not sue from the -> Mercury News but declined comment. He said, however, the reward -> hotline Wendy's established will remain open to receive tips. "Tips", eh? "Give them the finger", eh? "Pun-like newspaper moment", eh? "Not funny", eh? -> [...] -> -> Attempts to reach Ayala for comment were unsuccessful; the former -> San Jose resident did not answer her phone. But in an earlier -> interview, Ayala became incensed at any suggestion that finger -> might have been planted in the chili. If she didn't plant it, why is she still spreading fertilizer? -> The Mercury News learned about the incident in Nevada after -> receiving a call on Tuesday morning from an -> exotic-animal-sanctuary owner. -> -> ``What are the odds?'' said Carol Asvestas, director of the Wild -> Animal Orphanage in San Antonio, who was among several people who -> saw the leopard bite off part of Sandy Allman's finger on Feb. 23. -> Asvestas had gone to Allman's to rescue several exotic animals at -> Allman's request, she said. -> -> Allman did not return phone calls from the Mercury News on -> Tuesday. Poor Mercury News! Nobody takes their phone calls! Hey, Merc, you can call me any time. I can make up all sorts of great stuff you can print. Did you know that I found an 11.99-inch-long finger in my chili? Scientists are unable to determine whether it's a foot! -> Asvestas said she had not thought about the incident until Tuesday -> morning, when a friend e-mailed her a copy of a photo of the -> finger found in the chili on March 22. "HA HA, YOU LOST YOUR FINGER, LOOK, SOMEONE ATE A FINGER, IMAGINE SHE'S EATING YOUR FINGER, HA HA, LOVE, YOUR FRIEND." -> Asvestas reported the information Tuesday morning to the Wendy's -> hotline. San Jose police confirmed Tuesday afternoon that they are -> investigating. -> -> A visual examination of the photo taken of Allman's finger and a -> photo of the finger Ayala said she found in the bowl of chili -> shows them to be similar and about the same length. "Similar" to what extent? Does this mean neither is doughnut-shaped? -> Both finger parts have ragged edges where the fingers were detached. Oh no! All the lettuce in my salad is actually a human finger! -> But it would take a DNA test to determine if the finger in the -> bowl of chili is the finger that used to be on Allman's hand, said -> Capt. Bob Dixon of the Santa Clara County Sheriff-Coroner's Office. And then they'll let her have it back so she can get it reattached. -> Dixon said the finger found in the bowl of chili ``has been cut up -> and sent out for tests'' but that the finger ``clearly was not a -> clean cut. It was kind of jagged.'' I hope they packed the chopped-up finger in something other than the original cup which said "TASTY CHILI INSIDE". -> ``Somebody might be able to say it looks the same but -> scientifically to say it's the same, you'd have to do DNA -> testing,'' he said. Split the difference. Just look at the two strands of DNA with the naked eye and see whether they look the same. -> On the day the leopard bit off part of Allman's finger, Allman had -> just told Asvestas and others that the animals were safe to touch, -> Asvestas said. Oompa, loompa, doop-a-dee-doo, I've got an irony for you, You're not very bright and you deserved to get your finger eaten by a dangerous wild animal you were trying to get other people to touch-a-dee-doo! -> ``She was introducing us to each animal. The last words out -> of Sandy's mouth were, `These are my babies. They would never -> hurt me.''' "I'm smarter than a wild cat therefore the cats can never prove me wrong!" -> Cindy Carroccio, director of the Austin Zoo, was with Asvestas. -> Carroccio said it was her boyfriend who spotted the finger in the -> bottom of Anthony's cage. Asvestas, a former nurse, was trying to -> stop the bleeding on Allman's hand. -> -> ``He saw it, fished it out with a stick and brought it to me in a -> Kleenex,'' she said. ``We washed it off and took a photo of it.'' -> -> Carroccio and Asvestas were not sure why the finger could not be -> re-attached to Allman's hand. -> -> But the medical clinic where she was treated ``gave it back to her -> in a little bag of ice,'' Carroccio said. Here the article ends, without any explanation as to why the loser of the finger thinks her finger might have been used by some bozette to try to grift money out of Wendy's. It's like a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered with lame hot sauce. -- K. Dear news media, SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Queer Eye for the Mr. Show Link Sketch Date: Sat, 09 Apr 2005 04:22:31 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] WHOOSH! Faaaaabulous noveau Kontext-Away swishes in on a Segway and tips its tripla to you, DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH! > I suppose the usual custom of just playing with him every day would > have been too hard on the boy's joints. FIN FANG FOOM! Kontext-Away goes somewhere else without saying something about "he should switch from joints to poppers," because drug humor is always in poor taste, even when it's really about Michael Jackson ass-rapin' little boys and therefore an important piece of social satire. > So which are your favorite Queer Eye moments? The ones where the > straight guy gets his shit together and maybe you learn something > yourself? Or the ones where the straight guy gets talked into > something totally ridiculous? Actual quote... A freeze-frame screen giving the audience advice on how to make their food spicier if it isn't spicy enough: "Add chilis for extra heat." WOW THANK YOU GAY PEOPLE FOR INVENTING THE IDEA OF PUTTING SEASONING IN YOUR FOOD WHEN YOU WANT IT SEASONED WITH THAT SEASONING!!! I suppose there's a chance I might have accidentally tuned into "Queer Eye For People Who Like The Taste Of Hot Peppers But Still Haven't Figured Out They Can Eat Them Because They're Dumber Than A Sack Of Tarzan's Poop". -- K. The cooking guy from the British version of "Queer Eye" is hot. The British guys don't camp it up the way the American ones do so if it wasn't for the wacky accents they'd be regular humans. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Queer Eye for the Mr. Show Link Sketch Date: Sat, 09 Apr 2005 14:35:14 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Actual quote... > > > > A freeze-frame screen giving the audience advice on how to make their > > food spicier if it isn't spicy enough: > > > > "Add chilis for extra heat." > > > > WOW THANK YOU GAY PEOPLE FOR INVENTING THE IDEA OF PUTTING SEASONING > > IN YOUR FOOD WHEN YOU WANT IT SEASONED WITH THAT SEASONING!!! > > To be fair, that was probably the idea of someone in the editing room, > and that gay guy didn't spend two hours with the straight guy in front > of a chalkboard that said "CHILI = HEAT". Sure I did. I mean, I'm sure the gay guy did. > That guy in the editing room should be their next victim, as his > choice of emphasis betrays a grand ignorance of how food works. Up > to that point, he probably thought that the best way to add heat > was to add cinnamon tic-tacs. No, no, Altoids. -- K. CHILI = HEAT = GOOD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bang, bang, your house is dead Date: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 16:15:18 -0400 Mark Hill alerted me to this: [news.yahoo.com] -> -> Ex-NFL Kicker Fires at Siegfried & Roy -> -> Sat Apr 9, 6:56 PM ET -> -> LAS VEGAS -- A former NFL kicker accused of shooting at the -> compound of Siegfried & Roy viewed the illusionists as a threat, -> according to a psychiatric evaluation report. -> -> AP Photo The photo shows one of those guys who hasn't cut, trimmed, or styled his beard in at least five years. Even the hairiest guys over at your local bear bar cut their beard to a reasonable length -- when you see a guy for whom not shaving is a _lifestyle_, you know they're not going to have their priorities in order. "No time to think about how shooting the house of some magicians might not save the world, I'm busy not shaving!" -> The evaluation was performed by psychiatrist Norton Roitman on -> Nov. 10, a week after Cole Ford was charged with firing several -> shotgun blasts at the Las Vegas home of entertainers Siegfried -> Fischbacher and Roy Horn. Hmm. Usually, when a newspaper has to explain who any performer other than an actor or singer is, they use the phrase "popular entertainer". I think this means the reporter doesn't like Siegfriend and/or Roy. The question is, will he shoot one of their potted plants? -> The report was published in Saturday's editions of the Las Vegas -> Review-Journal. -> -> Ford, 32, a former kicker for the Oakland Raiders, has been ruled -> incompetent to stand trial and sent to a mental health facility in -> Sparks for treatment. -> -> Ford maintained he never intended to harm anyone and his actions -> were only intended to "warn the world of the illusionists' -> unhealthy danger to them and to animals," the report said. Once, I was in the front row for one of Harry Blackstone Jr.'s performances, but it didn't make me want to shoot anything. But maybe that's just because he didn't have any tigers in his act, just a light bulb swinging over the audience on an invisible string. It was a simpler time. -> "While watching Siegfied and Roy, he had a sudden realization that -> what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionists' -> treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having -> with their animals," Roitman wrote in the report. He must be out of touch with reality if he hasn't yet heard of Michael Jackson and his personal menagerie. Bubbles The Chimp needs to give this guy a call. -> "He saw their illusions as their power to distort and change -> reality. He felt they threatened (the) world, and he began to -> figure out how he could stop them," Roitman added. I bet he also thought the following things were real: * The magic done by Ronald McDonald in commercials * The magic done by Ronald McDonald in real life * Keebler cookies are made by elves in a fireproof fiberglas tree * Magic Markers are full of elves too * The episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" where Riker turns into a caveman and loses half his brain mass but then they give him a shot and the rest of his brain comes back * That James Bond movie where Tim Dalton is driving an 18-wheeler's cab and he pulls back on the steering wheel to make the truck do a wheelie * The "Doctor Who" episode where the guy can't escape from the killer Rubbermaid bin He probably even believes Kibo is an international mega-star. Uh oh. He's going to shoot those unassembled bookshelves sitting on my balcony. -> No one was hurt in the Sept. 21 drive-by shooting, but police said -> shotgun pellets shattered windows and left a hole in an outside -> wall at the magicians' home. But at least all the world's problems have been solved. -> Ford told Roitman that he thought the entertainers' contact with -> their animals was related to the development of viruses such as AIDS. Oh. Well, yeah, that proves it -- they're gay and they have cats. That's how AIDS jumped from monkeys to humans. Some monkey petted a cat, then some gay guy whipped a cat, then he whipped his boyfriend, and now everyone who's even _seen_ a Siegfried & Roy performance got AIDS through their eyeballs. -> "Mr. Ford was completely unguarded in his report of his beliefs of -> unhealthy sexual contact being committed by the illusionists -> against their animals," Roitman wrote. I bet he also writes Trek slashfic. Where Spock's evil twin from "Mirror, Mirror" gets it on with the space Pomeranian's evil twin from "The Enemy Within". Eww. -> After being drafted out of USC in 1995, Ford kicked for three -> seasons with the Raiders but was cut after he missed several -> crucial kicks in 1997. I guess he was just all kicked out. -> He had been working as a laborer in the Las Vegas area before he -> was arrested. -> -> Roitman said Ford was not paranoid schizophrenic but had shown -> symptoms of the illness. His beard alone fills three dossiers. -> Because Ford's symptoms do not fit into any one mental illness, -> he would be difficult to diagnose, Roitman said. "You're so crazy that we can't figure you out at all. We're letting you go because you're just too crazy." Remember that sentence in case you ever become a psychiatrist and I get caught on a crazy crime spree. -> Ford has been sent to Lakes Crossing Center in Sparks, where -> doctors are treating him in hopes he eventually will be competent -> to stand trial on several charges, including felony assault with a -> deadly weapon. And now, I push the WACKY SITCOM PREMISE button, and, due to a computer error, instead of a jail cell, he's placed in a cage with a circus tiger, and clawlairity ensues! Tune in to "Tigger & The Bear"! -- K. Then, Evil Spock set his phaser to "Rub That Spot That Makes His Leg Rotate." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bang, bang, your house is dead Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 01:54:00 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > "TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] The episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" where Riker > > > turns into a caveman [...] > > > > Stargate SG1 and Michael, Jack and assorted other characters on > > the show devolve into sub-human semi-primates due to some alien > > allergen. Or something. All they needed there was a huge dose > > of an anti-histamine. Oh shazbot, I forgot we Orkans are all histamine! MINDYMINDYMINDYMindymindymindy... (Mork shrinks down to a dot and then has a tedious adventure.) > In the most "ouchy" scene of the movie "Save the Green Planet!" > some nut kidnaps a CEO of a major company and peels then skin off the top > of his feet and sprays anti-histamine on it to check if he is an alien. Oh, come on, that's not the most ouchy scene... unless you're saying you don't mind giant rectal probes. Plus it was a Korean rectal probe, which means it probably involves eating a lot of kimchi beforehand to properly inflate your colon. Sicko. So, did seeing Tadanobu Asano in "Electric Dragon 80,000V" make you wish you could shoot lightning bolts out of your fingers? Me, I draw the line at 50,000V. More would be impractical. -- K. It's amazing how hard it is to wash the smell of ozone out of your hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Favorite PCisms Date: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 16:46:00 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > "Height-weight proportionate" But weight should be proportional to the _cube_ of height. Has science learned nothing from "The Amazing Colossal Man"? Strength varies as the square of height, weight as the cube of height, and ESP as the fourth power of height. -- K. Also, the relationship between foot size and penis size is that one is usually bigger than the other. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Favorite PCisms Date: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 19:22:10 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, the relationship between foot size and penis size is > > that one is usually bigger than the other. > > YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN READING TOO MUCH KIBOLOGY: when you wackyparse > "foot size" as "font size". Could be worse, you could then wackyparse "font size" as "Funt size" and then wackyparse him as the host of "Candied Camera" and you'd break your teeth trying to eat the lens and the doctors would be laughing too hard to pick the shards of glass out of your uvula and you'd die of uvula glassination, and your last words would be that you were wackyparsing glassination as something highly amusing to your friends once you died. > what font is *your* penis? Depends. Do you mean the condensed font, or the extended font? -- K. It would be Univers 101 if Adrian Frutiger could have forseen how awesome it would be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To the IT department Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2005 10:34:06 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Please, > > The next time you feel the need to change my email password, not to be > emailing me the new password. > > Thankyoureversomuch. > > Matthew It could be worse. The could have used that "PassFaces" thing I complained about a month or two ago. And then whenever they changed your password, they'd send four distinctive-looking (i.e. hideous) people to drop in on you unexpectedly. "Hi! I'm the first of your four PassFaces! The one with the wart right... HERE!" They wouldn't just yell it, they'd sing it, while dancing and playing kazoos, and then they wouldn't leave until you chose whether to pay them each $1,000 or kiss them. -- K. You're welcome. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dear Mr. Ask A BBQ Expert Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2005 12:01:35 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Jack Curry got a box of cherry wood chunks from me in the mail a few > hours after he died. Another tragic case of someone succumbing to cherry wood's time-reversed poison. Well, he would have been amused. Especially if they were used for a proper Darth Vader-style Viking funeral. There are a number of other things that can poison you before you get them. For instance, although The Death Dot only kills you if you look at it, The Death Coupon kills you shortly before it arrives in your mailbox if you _could_ clip it out. The only way to protect yourself against The Death Coupon is to remove all scissors from your home and pray that The Death Coupon Company never spends the extra half-cent to print a perforated version. -- K. How do they even stay in business? Consumer Reports never gives them a better rating than a doughnut with half a hole in it. Does that magazine still use those crazy things? I'm out of touch with the world of print reviews of lethal coupons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wimpy journalist doesn't want to wear leather Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:26:23 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > "How the Quest was won" is a funny magazine-style show that is > filling a time slot between Dr Who repeats and the news on the > government funded TV channel. Nobody can fill a time slot between "Doctor Who" repeats! Because whenever he gets stuck in a chronic hysteresis he repeats and repeats and repeats and the only way to break this eternal loop of repeatiness would be for the entire Universe to explode, which it clearly didn't, so that proves me right! > One reporter had a challenge where he had to include 15 phrases > from the song "Let's do the timewarp again" in a interview with > Suzi Quattro. I forget, which one was she on "Happy Days", was she Pinky Tuscadero or Leather Tuscadero? I only ever liked one of them. > If he doesn't do it within the timelimit or is rumbled, he has to > wear leather and sing the song in the main street of Perth... > of course he failed. What do you mean when you say "he had to wear leather"? Do you mean they forced him, or that he had an innate need to wear leather? The distinction is important to some of us, but only if he's cute. -- K. Also, is this government- funded TV channel funded by the Austalian government or by the Nazi government? 'Cause the Nazi version of "Doctor Who" really sucks, especially the episodes where the Daleks shout "Exterminate! Exterminate!" at a bar mitzvah. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wimpy journalist doesn't want to wear leather Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 10:18:47 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > If he doesn't do it within the timelimit or is rumbled, he has to > > > wear leather and sing the song in the main street of Perth... > > > of course he failed. > > > > What do you mean when you say "he had to wear leather"? Do you mean > > they forced him, or that he had an innate need to wear leather? > > They forced him to wear leather as he lost the bet as to whether he > could carry out that wacky interview. Then how did he fail while wearing leather and singing? Did they not lace it up tight enough so that it fell off while he was singing? I still don't get the concept of being forced to wear leather. Did they also punish him by giving him free ice cream, and fine him by writing him a check? Oh, wait... it must've been brown leather. -- K. Or worse, brown pleather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently your cat has been spraying crystal meth all over. Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 04:10:16 -0400 [www.ksdk.com] -> -> Illinois Lawmaker Wants Meth Scratch And Sniff Cards To Help Find Makers -> -> By Steve Jankowski -> Illinois Bureau Chief -> -> (KSDK) -- At least one Illinois lawmaker believes a solution to the -> meth crisis may be right under our noses. -> -> Granite City middle school students are being exposed to the -> journeys of Lewis and Clark. At home they might be exposed to -> something possibly more dangerous then the perils faced by the -> explorers. -> -> So a state lawmaker wants to equip their teachers or daycare -> workers with a better awareness of the presence of methamphetamines. -> -> "Everybody's probably smelled marijuana or heard it, or smelled it -> if they were even at a concert. Dude! If you're so high that you think you can hear a doobie, I want some of whatever sound you're smoking! -> But methamphetamine has a very distinct smell that smells like -> cat urine." It's a completely unique smell which is absolutely identical to something you can already smell everywhere in the world. Nobody's going to want the silly cards now that it's been revealed what they use to simulate the odor of meth, even if the backs of the cards have a picture of Hobbes peeing on Calvin. -> That smell largely comes from the anhydrous ammonia, one of the -> key components of meth. So Michael McAuliffe has won house approval -> to provide certain professionals with scratch and sniff cards so -> they can compare a meth smell with unusual odors they might detect -> on the clothing, hair, or skin of their students, indicating the -> child had been exposed to the drug's production or use. Fun school prank: Spray the new kid's hair with any of the flavors of Windex that contain ammonia. -> Granite City police busted 32 labs last years. That sentence-like thing is also the title of Brian Aldiss's latest book which will be made into another movie about a super-futuristic high-tech robot kid whose face melts if he eats spinach. -> Janet Vaughn is a school teacher, "Ultimately we're worried about -> the kids' safety and the kids doing well at school and not having -> all these problems at home, because it is becoming a problem." I'm also worried about kids doing well in school. Kids shouldn't do well! It makes us grownups look stupid! -> Last year, the three-county area served by the Metropolitan -> Enforcement Group recorded 115 meth lab incidents leading to 154 -> arrests. At 17 of those labs, children were present. Yes, but they were all raided on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day". -> Madison County Sheriff Bob Hertz says his county led the state in -> meth arrests in 2003, "If it's a tool that we can use positively -> in furtherance of our trying to rid Madison County or this state -> of methamphetamines, then I'm behind 100 percent." "positively in furtherance"? Maybe if he hadn't spent all his time consulting the Weaselspeak Thesaurus he wouldn't have fallen so far behind. -> The Illinois Federation of Teachers is looking at the legislation -> to determine it's application and any liability that could be -> involved, should one of their members bring a foul smell to the -> attention of police. ATTENTION POLICE!!! THERE IS A FOUL SMELL IN THE McDONALDS RESTROOM!!! ARREST SOMEONE AND GIVE ME SOME FREE HAMBURGERS!!! -> The legislation is now moving into the state senate. Should it -> pass and be signed into law, the state police and state board of -> education would distribute the scratch and sniff cards. Scratching without sniffing will be punishable by a stiff fine. Also, to teach people what amyl nitrate smells like (a unique odor exactly like dirty laundry) look for new scratch 'n' huff cards. -- K. When I was a kid, schools had pot-leaf-shaped green paper leaves they'd burn to teach the kids what pot smelled like (I am not making this up) and all I learned was that it smells like burning paper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 8192 DIMENTIONS * 8 = IS WHAT ANOTHER TIME TRAP! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 05:32:14 -0400 In sci.physics.fusion, xexe@charter.net wrote: > > 8192 DIMENTIONS * 8 = IS WHAT ANOTHER TIME TRAP! > PENTAGON CUDE TO SEE THE FUTURE OF OUR UNIVERSE OPTICAL WITH THE MOVIE > PAYCHECK THE SUN BECOME A 16 LIGHT YEAR BLACK HOLE THAT USED 5% OF THE > PLANETS MASS AS GROWNING EVERGY OF THE BALC HOLE!!!! Why is it that conspiracy wackos never base their entire theories of everything on _good_ movies adapted from Philip K. Dick novels? No "Blade Runner" or "Minority Report", not even one super-stupid theory inspired by "Total Recall", instead we get "Paycheck". There are probably asymmetrical-haired people out there right now building Tinkertoy time machines based on "Impostor" or "Screamers". Also, TOYNBEE IDEAS IN KUBRICK'S "2001" RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER. I still don't know whether that person meant historian Arnold Toynbee or Ray Bradbury's "The Toynbee Convector". If I ever go crazy because of some sci-fi movie, I want it to be "THX-1138" so that I can run around raving "NOBODY BELIEVES ME THAT GEORGE LUCAS ONCE MADE AN INTELLIGENT SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE!" -- K. In Japan there must be people who think "Rubber's Lover" is a documentary. What country believes in Shatner's "Incubo"? Esperantia, or Stupidland? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My apologies (again.) Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 06:03:58 -0400 A few years ago, I mentioned the irony in the fact that rare VHS tapes of the utterly worthless "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" were selling for incredible amounts of eBay. Then about a week later, the company that had produced those long-forgotten trading cards which inspired the unwatchable movie noticed the same fact, possibly because I pointed it out to the entire Internet, so they announced they were bringing back "Garbage Pail Kids" cards. And at the time, I apologized for accidentally making stupid people bring back this insipid parody of a toy fad from 20 years ago. Well, on July 12 this year (one day before my birthday) MGM is releasing "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" on DVD. I don't know if I am in any way responsible for this event due to me having been born on the wrong day, but if it's my fault, I do apologize again. Hopefully when the new DVD goes right to the "$1.99 and under" clearance bin, it will forever destroy the secondary market for eighty-dollar low-fi VHS tapes of this piece of unmitigated diaper gravy. NO I DO NOT WANT A COPY FOR MY BIRTHDAY (especially as I already have it on tape.) What I want them to do is just to not cancel the DVD release of "Danger: Diabolik" again -- it was supposed to be released on my birthday _last_ year, and was then postponed indefinitely, and now is rescheduled for June, 11 months from when it was supposed to be available. Also someone needs to release Seijun Suzuki's "Zigeunerweisen" in Region 1. -- K. Could someone please write some "Baby Geniuses Meet The Garbage Pail Kids" crossover fan-fic so that I can feel superior to anyone who would do that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My apologies (again.) Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 11:19:08 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Also, I almost bought Baby Geniuses today, Don't you know anything? You don't _buy_ them, you switch identical twin stupid babies with them! Then you imprison them in your secret underground day-care center where you can dress up as Hillary Clinton while you try to overthrow all the diaper services of the world! If you don't exploit the simple fact of science that every baby genius has an identical twin baby moron, you'll never run a diaper gravy cartel half as good as Fake Hillary Clinton. > but I didn't want to waste $9.95AUD, so I got "Tokyo Godfathers" > to go with my copy of "Ichi the Killer" (special edition) Dude, all 58 different releases of that movie are "special edition", "super-special edition", "ultra-special edition", "mega-special edition with free shrimp tempura", and so on. That's a movie that's inherently very special. You can't make "Ichi The Killer" be _not_ special, unless it's the R-rated cut that they once released for three seconds in the USA under the mistaken idea that prudes wanted to watch a movie that involves people being shredded into hundreds of gallons of intestines per person. > so that I have two Yakuza movies. You need "Branded To Kill" (a really artistic and daring Suzuki movie, the one which got him fired and then blacklisted) before you can say you have Yakuza movies. That'll get you one Joe Shisheido movie, you'll still also need at least one with Takeshi Kitano and one with Riki Takeuchi. But getting that one where Tadanobu Asano has the bleached hair was a good start. I don't know "Tokyo Godfathers", so I'll just look it up... Hey, that's a _cartoon_. A freakin' _Christmas_ cartoon. About a homeless drag queen adopting a baby found in the trash. Are you sure you didn't reach for a copy of "Gonin" but then get hit on the head and grab an extremely wrong type of film instead? > I could have also bought "Driller Killer" but I wanted to have less > dark movie. Tim, listen to me: You need happy, upbeat wacky Japanese movies, not Z-grade Abel Ferrara splatter movies. You need "Weather Woman" (a zany comedy shot entirely in upskirt-cam! Panties panties panties!) and "Battlefield Baseball" (you'll laugh! you'll cry! you'll sing along if you imagine a bouncing ball over the subtitles during the musical numbers!) and "Party 7" (hooray for Captain Banana!) I have "Happiness Of The Katakuris" here (Takashi Miike's wacky musical) but I haven't watched it yet although I'm sure it must be a happy movie which doesn't fall back on cliches like animated drag queens adopting garbage babies. (Miike doesn't have to restort to being maudlin in order to make you nauseous.) Or you could wait for Takeshi Kitano to do another "Zatoichi" with even more big dance numbers. And by the way, "Ichi The Killer" is not a dark movie. It's a joyous, upbeat romantic comedy. You gotta empathize with the joy Kakihara feels when he finally gets his wish to die in the most terrifying manner possible. Unless you're some sort of sicko who can't empathize with human joy. If you do need to have anime in your collection, at least get the stuff like "Koroshiya 1: The Animation Episode 0" before the stuff about drag queens learning the true meaning of Christmas by finding abandoned babies. > I only went into that DVD superstore to check if they had the DVD box > sets I am getting for my mother & sister's birthdays also. "Superstore"? In Australia? Yeah, right. Here in the USA we have stores that are bigger than your whole continent. That's not even a continent, it's an island! You're just Bizarro Iceland! And you call that a knife? > Thanks. You mean "Domo arigato, Boss Kibo." Yesterday when shopping for ingredients for something I was cooking (red curry-flavored Thai fried rice with Chinese sausage) the cashier told me how to say "Thank you!" in Chinese as well but to me it just sounded like "bleh bleh" because I wasn't born in the right part of the world to have grown the brain gland to hear those weird Asian tonal phonemes. (I don't even know if she was saying it in Mandarin or Cantonese, all I could tell was that it was two syllables with the same rhythm as "Thank you!" but without the "Thank you!") -- K. People who have never had Chinese sausage can't be trusted to recommend Chinese restaurants. They always seem to like the stuff like egg foo yung that makes the waiters go into the kitchen to laugh at you ordering off the lame part of the menu. Anyway, what I cooked yesterday involved slices of yummy Chinese sausage made even better by coating them with powdered hot pepper and powdered coconut. MmmmMMmmmMMMMMmmMMMMMMMMMMmmm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Animal 57 news: Science says it tastes _better_ than chicken Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 12:01:19 -0400 [www.thedenverchannel.com] -> -> Study: Cloned Animals' Meat, Milk Meet Industry Standards -> -> FDA Says It Will Review Findings -> -> WASHINGTON -- Worried about what kind of meat and milk cloned -> animals would produce? A new study says you don't need to be. I'm not worried. I know that cloned animals would simply produce cloned meat. And because the US government spent my entire childhood telling me "You are what you eat," I'd happily buy cloned meat because I've always wanted to be cloned. -> The study found meat and milk from cloned bulls and cows is -> essentially identical to that from animals that reproduced -> normally, But what about gay animals? Everyone knows that all gay guys are faaaaabulous gourmet chefs, so presumably gay animals would taste great too. All cattle ranches should try to turn all their bulls gay. They could set up TV screens showing them that Bugs Bunny cartoon where he shoulda took the left turn in Albuquerque and comes up in the bullfight arena and kisses the bull. -> and that they meet industry standards. -> -> University of Connecticut researchers cloned a Japanese Black beef -> bull and Holstein dairy cow, using somatic cell nuclear transfer -- -> the same technique used to clone Dolly the sheep. The researchers -> compared the meat and milk from the clones to that of animals of -> similar age, genetics and breed. But did they have the same names? This makes a big difference! People would rather eat a bull named Cutie McSteakwich than a bull named Lethal Diarrhea. This proves that you can change the quality of meat by changing its name. That's why they stopped using the original name for hot dogs, "meaturds". -> They found the meat from the clones had a slightly higher marbling -> content than that from the comparison animals. Increased marbling -> is considered a benefit in beef. There you have it, folks! Science has proved that CLONED MEAT IS YUMMIER THAN REGULAR MEAT! This is why KFC food is so delicious, because it's made from Animal 57, which was cloned from Animal 56, which was cloned from Animal 55, all the way back to Animal 1 which was some chicken's favorite stem cell. -> No other significant differences were found in the meat or the milk. Except for the price. -> The study was published in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the -> National Academy of Sciences. -> -> The Food and Drug Administration said it will review the study. -> The agency has asked the food industry to keep products from cloned -> animals out of the food chain while it considers their safety. Yeah, they could turn to be as lethal as if you ate some meat from a cow that had an identical twin! Because you would never know whether you were eating the good twin or the evil but delicious twin! -> Animal food products from clones have yet to enter the food chain -> in any country, according to the report. I guess Animal 57 doesn't count as part of the food chain. Poor Animal 57! It doesn't qualify even though it's food and it's in chains. -> Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated -> Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. I didn't do any of that. I simply used cut-and-paste to make a clone of it. -- K. Everything that has ever been written or could ever be written is copyright by me, except for the stupid stuff, which is copyrighted by Animal 57. If you think this is stupid, go complain to whichever end of Animal 57 would be the head if it had one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Animal 57 news: Science says it tastes _better_ than chicken Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 14:23:37 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.thedenverchannel.com] > > -> > > -> They found the meat from the clones had a slightly higher marbling > > -> content than that from the comparison animals. Increased marbling > > -> is considered a benefit in beef. > > > > There you have it, folks! Science has proved that CLONED MEAT IS > > YUMMIER THAN REGULAR MEAT! > > But, why does the meat from the clones have a slightly higher > marbling content than that from the comparison animals? Well, it is a subjective judgement, not something that can be assessed mathematically, so first we have to ask "How did Dr. Science determine that there was 'slightly higher marbling', by just looking at it and deciding it looked nicer?" Assuming there is a difference there, and that other people would agree with Dr. Science that they can see the same difference, and that the difference exists in a large enough number of bulls to establish this correlation, there are a bunch of hypotheses we could consider... 1.) Maybe the clones were exposed to a different environment in their pre-natal history, i.e. since there were eggs being sliced open to have nuclei inserted, that may have caused some sort of effect relative to the ones that were born from eggs that weren't tweezerized. 2.) Maybe the clones were exposed to a different environment while being raised, i.e. maybe the scientists were more interested in examining them than in the control calves and therefore they got more attention and felt happier and less tense. 3.) Maybe the clones are in some way biologically different from the non-clones -- it was reported that Dolly, the first cloned sheep, had shorter telomeres in her cells than a sheep her age should have had. 4.) Maybe a wizard did it! Since the control calves and cloned calves could not have been penned up in _exactly_ the same spot, one or the other of them would have been closer to the power field emanating from the village's local wizard. 5.) Maybe Dr. Science was secretly beating the cloned calves while screaming "GET MARBLED, DAMMIT!!!" More research needs to be done. If cloning meat does make it more tender, then we should only be eating clones of clones of clones of clones. Well-done steaks would still have that delicious burnt steak flavor but would be as tender as a White Castle patty. And White Castles would be as tender as fog! -- K. Then why do marbles taste so crunchy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Funniest work voice mail I evah got! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 16:30:56 -0400 Nicko (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I could not make up something as brilliant as this. This guy's message > exempifies South Sider directness: > > "...Da monkey you ordered exscaped from the cage dis morning and we > can't catch 'im...so the monkey is gonna be two days late. I'm sorry > about dat but when we catch 'im we'll get back to you. Thank you and > have a nice day." "An' da monkey bustid up da turdy-nine dot monita an' we got salt wid salt an' peppa wid peppa but we don' got salt wid pepper an' dey put dat MSG in dere an' you know what 'MSG' stands for MUDDA FUGGIN' GAHBAGE!!!" Any sufficiently obnoxious retail employee in Boston somehow manages to develop a Brooklyn accent on top of a Boston accent. Fortunately, I don't have either type of accent, despite having grown up in New York State before moving to Massachusetts. I'm too smart to have any sort of accent. Nor do I have the "gay voice", you know, the one Jerry Seinfeld always uses. I'm just completely normal and inconspicuous, which is why it's baffling that that old lady at the supermarket got frightened after she asked me where the capers were and I asked her some small-talk questions about her love of capers and she got this horrified look in her eyes like "OH NO I ASKED THE BLUE-HAIRED GUY IN THE LEATHER JACKET AND CAMO FATIGUES A QUESTION AND NOW HE'S DISPLAYING FRIENDLY CURIOSITY, HELP!" Couldn't she tell how normal I was? Well, I did know what capers were, which I guess does make me an unusually caper-aware guy. I'm also so normal that when a fortyish woman elsewhere in the supermarket complimented me on the shade of blue in my hair and then told me how she felt about every known shade of blue and then asked, "Do you like movies?", I just smiled sweetly without bothering to tell her she was trying to peel the bark off the wrong tree. So, the question is: If I were to cultivate an accent just to help people realize how abnormal I am, which should I go with? Brooklynese? Russian? Finnish? Esperanto? Orkan? Thetan? Tasmanian Devil? Manson? Great Gildersleeve? Ted Cassidy? Nipsey Russell? Valentine Dyall? Shatner? Esperanto Shatner? Esperanto Manson? Pee-wee Shatner? -- K. I like MSG. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Funniest work voice mail I evah got! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 16:55:11 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > "Nicko" (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > "...Da monkey you ordered exscaped from the cage dis morning [...]" > > You work someplace that orders monkeys? I hope it's for wackiness. Monkeys are not wacky. Monkeys are evil. All the monkeys in the world should be shot into space, even if it means that someday we'll have to endure another terrible remake of "Planet Of The Apes". > If it's for medical experiments, I hope the monkey is never found. There's a refund if they find anything less than 49% of the monkey. Ever wonder about those catalogs that sell live ladybugs by the pound? The people who buy them aren't using them for their garden. They're using them to make tap-dancing sound crunchier. People are evil, especially because they're a gangly type of monkey, and you'll be happier if you accept that all people are evil all the time. -- K. Fortunately, I'm better than people, since I'm from Neptune and therefore twice as evil as you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goddamn it! Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 15:22:13 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > [on "Ichi The Killer"] > > > > Even though I used to work in an abbatoir, I still don't like > > seeing these things happening to people. > > An abattoir for people? You worked for one of the big soylent green > conglomerates, I presume. Don't you remember when we took the tour of that big underground one outside Ottawa? He was right in front of the "DO NOT URINATE INSIDE STRUCTURE, PENALTY DISMISSAL" sign. How could you forget seeing a guy wearing a T-shirt that said "I BOUGHT 'ICHI THE KILLER' JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE"? Next he's going to whip himself 50,000 times to cure dyspepsia or something and then borrow that other guy's "I am not a masochist" catchphrase. > Etienne "is vegemite another name for soylent green?" Rouette Marmite is 50% mar and 50% mite. Vegemite is 50% Marmite and 50% Vegemite. However, a catamite is neither cat nor mite, nor can a sandwich park on a driveway, and there is no difference between sauce and gravy. -- K. And soylent green is really more of an aquamarine color. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goddamn it! Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 15:58:17 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > In Ichi the Killer the director has chosen not to prepare you for some > of the shocks that come on screen, so it will go straight from one scene > to a shot of a mutilation. What, you wanted William Castle to have a nurse check your blood pressure on your way into the theater, then have you sign a waiver of liability, then before every scary scene show you a picture of a strobe light and a honking noise while a guy ran through the audience personally tapping each of you on the shoulder and whispering "LOOK! IT'S THE FEAR FLASHER WITH THE HORROR HORN!"? > Also, that is not Ichi on the cover! Duh. So you wanted Columbo to show you who the murderer is at the start of the episode so that you could sit there smug about knowing his identity before Kakihara did? > Kakihara is the real star of the movie, but they named it after > someone who is really a secondary character. That's because it's based on manga about Ichi, and Ichi has backstory and survives after the movie and shows up in a prequel movie and another movie. Kakihara just gets involved because of Boss Anjo's murder, but if you want more Ichi, you can get "Koroshiya 1: The Animation Episode 0" and "Ichi-1". I haven't seen them yet, but I will soon. Also, Kakihara deserves to be on the cover because Tadanobu Asano is a lot sexier than the guy who plays Ichi, with or without the extreme facial piercings. He's one of Japan's biggest-name movie stars (you can see him in Kitano's "Zatoichi", "Taboo", "Party 7", "Electric Dragon 80,000V", etc.) and so wins the right to be on the cover for being both more famous and more handsome than the other guy. The real central character to the plot is neither Kakihara nor Ichi. It's Jiijii or Gigi or however you want to spell his silly name. But he's Chinese, so you're supposed to ignore him, just like the butler in any British murder mystery. Especially any butler named Gigi. If you don't like Kakihara: He has a red raincoat and frilly shirt, so you can always pretend you're watching "Doctor Who", and there's a Dalek chasing him yelling "HANG! FROM! HOOKS! AND! PIERCE! WITH! GIANT! NEEDLES! AND! BURN! WITH! BOILING! OIL! AND! E! VIS! CER! ATE! E! VIS! CER! ATE!" > "There's no love in your punches!" is my favourite line so far. Kakihara knows that women aren't any good at punching men. Only a man can truly punch another man. Have you ever even made a fist? > Longer review when I get the time. Why bother? It would just be fifteen pages of you yelling "EWWWWWWWWWW!" > I don't want to watch it again for a while. But we know you will, while you're yelling "I AM NOT A MASOCHIST! EWWWWWWW I HATE IT WHEN I WATCH THIS MOVIE TEN TIMES IN A ROW!!!! WHY DID I TIE MYSELF TO THE BED WHEN I PUT THIS DVD IN?" As to what I want to watch... I want to watch you watching that movie. > Even though I used to work in an abbatoir, I still don't like > seeing these things happening to people. The special features go > into details on some of the mutilations also. Wait 'til you get to the part where you learn what substance they used to simulate the jizz in the main title. Hint: It rhymes with "jizz" and is a four-letter word starting with "j-i-z". -- K. When Takashi Miike tells everyone on the set to "take five", they know to stand back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japan gobbles up jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:17:44 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Ichi The Killer"] > > > > Wait 'til you get to the part where you learn what substance they used > > to simulate the jizz in the main title. Hint: It rhymes with "jizz" > > and is a four-letter word starting with "j-i-z". > > That. Is. So. Cool. I wonder what they used for the jizz in "Kika"? > And how come you have to rent a foreign movie to see jizz, anyways? > America is nothing if not full of jizz. Well, see, if Steven Spielberg wants to show a scene where the camera gets drenched with jizz, he'll hire a special-effects company to do six months of research into which biodegradable, soy-based long-chain polymers will look like jizz but better than jizz and be more art-directable so that they could storyboard the jizz and the jizz wrangler could make it hit its timing marks and go exactly where it's supposed to. That's the way American movies work. If Takashi Miike wants to show a scene with jizz, he makes some jizz. That's the way Japanese people work. They're all perverts. American directors don't think real stuff looks real, so they have to go to effects to get something that looks realer than real. They would spend an enormous amount of time thinking about jizz and talking about jizz so they could come up with a non-jizz product for use on film. Japanese directors would consider anything other than actually wanking to be wankerous, and not in the good way. Also, if you gave an American director a choice between a realistic amount of red blood or an extra fifty gallons of fluorescent puce blood, he'd take the red blood, but of course the Japanese director is interested more in quantity than in scientific accuracy. It's "fun blood". But the real difference between American movies and Japanese movies is in the style of storytelling. American audiences hate, hate, hate it if they don't know exactly what's going on, which means an American movie tells you the entire backstory, then tells you what's going to happen, then tells you it's happening, then tells you what just happened. Me, I like films that challenge me and leave me with stuff to think about. A Japanese movie will start with weird stuff happening, then eventually get around to revealing parts of the backstory, or sometimes will just show something freaky which makes sense only on a symbolic level without any explanation being given. To watch a Japanese movie, you have to abandon the American notion that the purpose of seeing a movie is to know what's going to happen next. Japanese movies require you to accept that it's okay to be puzzled or intrigued. There are a few really good American movies that are "puzzle movies" like that ("Memento", "Pulp Fiction", "THX-1138", "A Clockwork Orange", "Blade Runner") but even the most straightforward Japanese movies may contain moments that won't make sense until later in the film or until the third viewing. The other difference is that 20% of American films are about boring mobsters (and I am _so_ sick of American mob movies, except for ones Danny DeVito or Martin Scorsese are involved with) but 60% of Japanese films are about Yakuza, and apparently all Yakuza are either (a) gay, (b) bi, (c) sadomasochistic, (d) sadistic, (e) masochistic, (f) ultra- stylish, (g) bionic, (h) living in a blend of Samurai times and modern times, or (i) game show hosts. They're all weird enough to be interesting, at least ever since Seijun Suzuki made that movie about the guy who got a woody whenever he smelled boiling rice. When I mention I like Japanese movies (Yakuza movies or other Japanese movies) people tend to start suggesting Chinese, Korean, or Hong Kong movies I should like. And I almost never do. There's something special about the Japanese style. Chinese-language movies come in two flavors: Martial-arts films (a genre that had gotten beaten to death even before every film started having far too much wire-fu) and extreeeemely sloooowww serious films. I prefer the Japanese parodies of Chinese chop-sockey films (such as "Battlefield Baseball", "Weather Woman", etc.) to any actual Chinese martial-arts films, though I do admire the early Shaw Brothers films from back when wire-fu was new and clever. ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" must be one of the most overrated films in history.) And yeah, there _are_ some Japanese films which are formulaic or just plain bad. But I'll take my chances with a Japanese movie over a Hollywood movie any day, especially if it's got Tadanobu Asano or Riki Takeuchi or Joe Shisheido or Takeshi Kitano in it, or was directed by Suzuki, Miike, Kitano, Hasebe, Kitamura, K. Ishii, or T. Ishii. I have a few favorite English-language directors too (Gilliam, Kubrick, Tarantino, Allen, etc.) but I've seen most of their stuff. The pickings in the rest of Wal-Mart are pretty slim, but the Japanese territory is proving a rich new land to explore. 'Cause I live in a big city and know my way around the Internet, I can get my hands on goodies that don't have English writing on the box. (Most Japanese films are available with English subtitles, 'cause in Japan everyone _thinks_ they can speak English, and they like to read the subtitles to convince themselves they're fluent.) When I was a kid, I liked Japanese movies because they all had guys in rubber monster suits stomping on tiny buildings. Now I like Japanese movies because I know not all of them have Godzilla in them. Also they use real jizz while they're fucking with your head. -- K. Hello, I like my movie collection so much that I'm a potty-mouth. I actually don't usually swear. I'm just doing this to fuck with your head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japan gobbles up jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 04:20:15 -0400 [in response to an article about the director of "Ichi The Killer" masturbating] zest_fien@yahoo.com wrote: > > Can anyone help please , I am looking for a skin care range from this > company, http://www.naturalisproducts.com , i am particularly > interested in their milia treatment which i read that can treat > stubborn milia effectively. Dear spammer who isn't reading this, I don't know how you found my INCREDIBLY RELEVANT ARTICLE to which to post your followup question, but here are some even more relevant suggestions for treating milia, whatever they are: 1.) ask a Yakuza to pour boiling oil over you. 2.) masturbate. -- K. I hope you get milt in your milia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese movies with or without jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:29:14 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, that is not Ichi on the cover! > > > > Duh. So you wanted Columbo to show you who the murderer is at > > the start of the episode so that you could sit there smug about > > knowing his identity before Kakihara did? > > My favorite part of the movie is when they're at the Chinese > Restaurant near the trout factory, and Ted Pikul orders > the "special," and the Chinese waiter says, "Mutant reptiles > and amphibians provide previously unimagined taste sensations!" > That line always cracks me up. Oh, I just realized that in my previous article, I forgot to list Cronenberg on my little list of my favorite non-Japanese directors. "Videodrome"'s my favorite of his, though "Crash" has been growing on me with repeat viewings, especially now that I have the NC-17 cut. Note how much cross-pollination there is between my list of approved American directors and my list of approved Japanese directors. The smart ones know enough to watch good films from other countries to find stuff to rip off. Like, Tarantino has seen lots of Yakuza movies, while Miike's "Ichi The Killer" has some definite little moments where he lets you know he liked Gilliam's "Brazil". (Two great tastes that go great together. "Brazil" is my favorite movie, though "Ichi The Killer" gives me such a thrill whenever I see it.) Also I think the guy who made "Battle Royale" might have seen "The Green Slime". -- K. Three stages of Japanese film fandom: 1.) "Godzilla is awesome! He just keep crushing stuff!" 2.) "Kurosawa is the most gifted auteur of our time! I learned that in a magazine!" 3.) "Holy fuck, this movie picked me up and smacked me around the room and broke my furniture!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: my compootar, she explode Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 16:13:33 -0400 "Vapolluan" (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > Your E-mail address keeps making me think you're Hannu Poropudas. I better give you the official test to see whether you really are Hannu Poropudas: What color are your daughter's neutrinos, including the ones with the stripes and polka dots? > So here I am, putting the finishing touches to my take-home final > exam. I have a window open and am transferring data and tidying up > the homework. > All of a sudden a BANG occurs, ans sparks fly out of the back of my > machine .AND SMOKE CAME OUT. > I was ready to throw it in the bathtub but the burning smell finally > went away, so I figure no fire risk now. If I were you, I would have thrown it in the bathtub, but only if it were still plugged in and Andy Rooney were in the tub. Unfortunately, Andy Rooney never gets naked in my apartment. I mean, FORTUNATELY Andy Rooney never gets naked in my apartment. > However, I now do not have my 27 page final exam. I am screwed. > So I get a new system, and god help me but one running windows xp, > and I have fiinally removed the piles of junk that come with xp. > Pity phase over. Okay, I am now imagining a Dalek shouting "PITY! PHASE! OVER!" after it makes Tim Chim cry by showing him a DVD of Leela punching Tom Baker in the gut and Tom Baker complaining that she's not hitting hard enough. > I am driving down to Annapolis when I see a van that I swear had the name > CHILITROLL on iy.II mmediately think of Kibo's fantasy of a chili filled > rubber suit. That's how they got such a good performance out of the actor who played Gollum in "The Lord Of The Rings". He was a midget wearing a carefully- sculpted foam-rubber suit filled with spicy chili. It's a little-known fact that all movies featuring trolls are sponsored by Hormel Chili. Hormel sends them cases of the stuff. That's why you never see Wallace Shawn in a grocery store. Or Linda Hunt. Or Garry Shandling. Archimedes Plutonium still shops at his local grocery store because his imaginary movies only get him a lifetime supply of free imaginary chili. > Now, I casnt figure out if I am nuts immediately thinking about Kibo's > tastes in apparell, or I am nuts for remembering it at all. I didn't remember posting that all those years ago. So I guess this proves I'm not the weird one here. -- K. Suddenly I want chili. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: my compootar, she explode Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 16:31:14 -0400 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Vapolluan" (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I am driving down to Annapolis when I see a van that I swear had the name > > CHILITROLL on iy.II mmediately think of Kibo's fantasy of a chili filled > > rubber suit. > > I didn't remember posting that all those years ago. So I guess this proves > I'm not the weird one here. My guess is that you live in or near Maryland, since there seems to be a "CHILLTROL" air-conditioner repair company somewhere around Baltimore. Also, my guess is that that's not the only reason you're weird. For those who are curious, such as me, I looked up what I said about foam-rubber suits filled with chili. It was in my March 2003 report on my trip to Ottawa, including the following hockey game I attended with Etienne Rouette. Here's an excerpt. //////// RERUN BEGINS ///////////////////////////////////////////////// Went to an Ottawa 67s (minor league hockey) game. The deal with non-NHL hockey is that you get a game of 95% NHL intensity, but the tickets cost about 6% what good NHL tickets do. The 67s beat the Oshawa Generals 6 to 1. Also I "won" a free hat that says "Porter Cable" (they sponsored the game and threw about 9,000 free hats into the crowd of 10,004 people) and everyone got a bag of honey/nut flavor Cheerios snack mix. The 67s have not just one but three costumed mascots (a raccoon in a white jersey, a raccoon in a black jersey, and a really terrifying walking, smiling hockey puck with giant fangs) as well as cheerleaders, a mini-blimp, and a strange inflatable red stick figure twenty feet tall that dances whenever the 67s score. It's a lot of bozosity for just CDN$12. Oh, also, it was the coach's 999th OHL victory (all with the 67s) so if my ticket had been for the next game, it would have been a big deal of some sort. I suppose they'd bring out a third identical raccoon who could crash the blimp into the Zamboni which would knock the giant scary puck man into the net, showering everyone with millions of "Porter Cable" hats. The walking 67s puck is absolutely the scariest mascot costume I have ever seen, including the guy dressed as a nine-pin connector at a computer parts show. The version of the evil fanged puck guy the 67s use as their logo is scary enough (it's a puck snarling and punching you) but the walk-around suit is even scarier because (a) it's a giant foam-rubber walk-around suit and (b) they tried to change its facial expression so that instead of snarling, it's smiling, but still with the same foot-long teeth. It's like if Pac-Man was vulcanized and a vampire and chased you around in real life. (I don't know what the Generals' mascot is, but since they don't even have a real logo, maybe he's just a guy with a wallet card that says "OFFICIAL MASCOT".) There was not one person wearing a Generals shirt in the audience for the 67s game. Apparently Leafs fans are willing to drive from Toronto (or even live in Ottawa) but the minor-league fans stay where they're supposed to. The 67s have the wackiest-looking arena ever. It's like a pineapple upside down cake that got dropped on the floor so that the parking, hockey, and football got all mixed together, along with lots of crazy ramps and a giant inflatable bubble. It's hard to describe, but the seats for the outdoor football stadium are also the roof over the hockey arena, except if you sit in those seats you're facing a big opaque blister. I confused the woman at the 67s' concession stand because I asked for "green Gatorade" and in Canada, green Gatorade is yellow. I have no idea why, or what this means for the color of what would normally be yellow Gatorade (brown? puce?) Because I was sitting behind the net, I couldn't just wait for one of the mascots to shoot a submarine sandwich at me with his mascot food gun. Hockey fans actually seem to enjoy eating food that's been pooted out of a bazooka -- there should be a restaurant for them, where all food would come out of a cannon. Especially the Sloppy Joes, creamed corn, and poutine. The restaurant's mascot could be a guy wearing a big foam rubber puck costume filled with chili he could spit up on the luckiest customers. //////// RERUN ENDS /////////////////////////////////////////////////// So who's going to start the hockey-mascot-barfing-chili-at-people restaurant? Hurry up and do it before anyone ever starts playing hockey again. Actually, the 67s are probably still playing, since they're OHL and not NHL. But since Generals fans aren't willing to drive from Oshawa to Ottawa, you'd better have enough money to open one of these restaurants in every city. Open 50,000 of them simultaneously, that'll guarantee you won't lose any money! -- K. I also want Disney to film CHILITRON. "Look out! Bruce Boxleitner is full of beans!"