From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 00:45:24 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > This is why all multiplayer sports should be outlawed until we > > agree that every sports team should contain most one human, > > plus a whole bunch of evil chimps. (The Toronto Maple Leafs > > have already adopted that system.) > > And the one human the Leafs contain is the dead corpse of Doug Gilmour. They used to have another dead player on the team, but he got ground up and made into some sort of consumer product with a hole in the middle. What do you call "donuts" in Canada? You would be proud of me. I just got back from dinner at a super-swanky French restaurant (thankfully, I didn't have to pay, since there's no way I could have afforded the $20 I paid for my duck leg) and I got through the entire dinner without making an ass of myself, although I did spill Perrier inside the sleeve of my leather jacket. Fortunately I can probably get the stain out if I put club soda on it. What do you call "club soda" in Canada? I'm not sure what duck confit is. It appeared to be a duck leg on top of some ordinary household lentils, with a zigzag of horseradish mayonnaise squiggled across the top. Also, 3/4 of the plate was taken up by a huge pile of some sort of dandelion-like lawn clippings. What do you call "mayonnaise" in Canada? I did not make the mistake of ordering steak tartare again this time. I've learned that it's not really steak. It's just hamburger. Also I still have not tried the escargot. I've seen them up close, and they even look disgusting. -- K. What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:49:52 -0500 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > What do you call "escargot" with no arms or legs? > > A rubber band? You mean every time I've had Howard Johnson's fried clams I've been eating escargot? Ewww. I'm never going to eat at Howard Johnson's again, even if I get hit on the head so hard that I travel back in time to the 1950s. -- K. (Why bother? It won't come when you call it. At least, not before you fall asleep.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Shazbot! Why didn't you people tell me about this? Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:00:48 -0500 "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story Of Mork & Mindy", a two-hour TV-movie with some Canadian guy playing Captain Shazbot himself, will be shown on NBC Monday night. As a Canadian radio station reported, [www3.cjad.com] -> -> TORONTO (CP) -- Other actors stayed away in droves, but for -> Toronto-born Chris Diamantopoulos it was the opportunity of a -> lifetime to bid "na nu, na nu" to obscurity. Hey! I've been saying all of Mork's catchphrases ever day since the 1970s, it hasn't made me famous, or even Canadian! -> [...] -> -> There are plenty of other photo-realistic portrayals in the -> story, too, including those of Belushi, Henry Winkler's Fonzie, -> Pam Dawber's Mindy, producer-director Garry Marshall and -> Penny (Laverne) Marshall. Fake Fonzie is the sort of concept that makes my brain's skin crawl. -> Other real-life characters like John Travolta and Robert De Niro -> are referenced only, and there are other cosmetic changes made for -> legal reasons. -> -> "The suspenders are slightly different, the emblem on the Mork -> costume is different, there are a lot of subtle differences that -> had to change," says Diamantopoulos, who maintains that otherwise, -> everything has been cleared 100 per cent. There's a picture with the article. The rainbows on Mork's suspenders now have the rainbow in a different order -- white, blue, red, yellow, red, blue, white. I guess this means Mork invented the idea of a rainbow having more than four different colors in it. He's going to sue anyone who ever takes a photo of a rainbow that looks like a rainbow! Also, I can't wait to see what the just-slightly-changed-for-legal-reasons version of Colonel Green's Eugenics Wars hand-me-down jumpsuit looks like. Will it be red but with a big silver square instead of a triangle? And won't that make Mork into the world's most childlike Teletubby? -> "The movie is a dramatic interpretation of the events, so it's not -> verbatim what happened, it's just sort of a loose idea of what may -> have occurred." "For instance, we don't know how many pounds of cocaine Robin Williams snorted before each episode. So we just say it was more than two but less than seven." -> Even Williams's original material could not be used (although -> there are familiar bits like Mork's famous "Na nu, na nu" goodbye -> and "Carpe diem -- that's fish of the day"). So the writer let -> Diamantopoulos contribute some of his own Robin-like improv mania. Hmm. If he actually did any real improv, then he's _nothing_ like Robin Williams, whose standup act used to have the same "improv" every night. By the way, I do a pretty good impression of Jim Carrey as Chris Diamantopoulos as Robin Williams as Mork, but the lawyers said I had to wear plaid suspenders because otherwise my impression would be so good it would make people cry. -- K. You may now tip your tripla to me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New "Doctor Who" quits already Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 02:13:39 -0500 According to the BBC, Christopher Eccleston has announced he's quitting the new "Doctor Who" show after the "grueling" schedule of the first thirteen-episode season. So expect an episode where the character trips and hits his head on the toilet and then gets all shimmery and regenerates into an actor with a different accent. AND REMEMBER TIME LORDS CAN ONLY REGENERATE TWELVE TIMES AND SINCE THE NEW GUY WILL BE THE TENTH ACTOR TO PLAY HIM IF WE DON'T COUNT THE GUY FROM THE STAGE PLAY AND THE GUY FROM THE MOVIES AND THE GUY IN THE COMIC BOOKS THIS MEANS THERE CAN ONLY BE THREE MORE DOCTORS AND THEN THE SERIES HAS TO END FOREVER BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GIVE A TIME LORD MORE THAN TWELVE REGENERATIONS THEY SAID SO IN AN EPISODE!!!!! -- K. <-- please pretend this is a different size capital than the others so this won't be all-caps P.S. APRIL FOOLS!!! CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON DIDN'T REALLY QUIT!!! HE JUST GOT SHOT IN THE BACK BY A CROSSBOW!!! TUNE IN TO SEE HOW THAT DALEK HELD HIS CROSSBOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exciting new surprise hair color coming soon. Date: Thu, 31 Mar 2005 03:42:02 -0500 Hair color update: Well, I put the Punky Color Turquoise in. It smelled vile, like a 50/50 blend of finger paint and Robitussin. I left it in for 15-20 minutes, and shampooed. I got a nice rich cyan color. But! The stuff is evil. No matter how many times I rinsed, more blue color kept coming off and staining my face, neck, shoulders, and hands. I did about ten full shampoo cycles before blue water stopped running off, and I had to do a lot of scrubbing to remove the dye that had migrated onto various parts of my body. (My fingers are stained blue -- and that's just from the rinsing, since I wear gloves while applying.) I just know that a bunch more of this will transfer onto my pillow overnight, and I'm hoping it won't jump from my pillow onto my face. One of the best things about Manic Panic is that a couple shampoos are enough before it stops running out of my hair. This stuff just doesn't seem to be colorfast when wet. I'm not buying Punky Color again, even if it makes Soleil Moon Frye cry and lock herself inside an abandoned refrigerator. I look good in blue, but I still like the reds, oranges, and golds better. At last I can wear my blue-mirrored sunglasses. Oh, by the way, the bright blue hair makes my gray eyes look brown. -- K. Dammit, my fingernails are the color of Spock's baby booties. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An editorial I liked this week. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 10:41:39 -0500 Usually around April Fool's Day, editorials get lame-wacky, but here's one which happens to be actually-Kibologically-wacky despite being published the same week as April Fool's Day. It's from the Salt Lake City Weekly. [www.slweekly.com] -> -> My Living Will -> -> by Joe Bartenhagen -> -> Life is a sacred thing. Particularly, I would like to point out, -> my life. So no one should kill me -- no matter what. -> -> Even if I'm totally begging to be killed, and you're like, "Well, -> it'd be pretty easy to kill this guy," don't. It can be tempting -> sometimes, I know. But even if my brain has turned into a bowl of -> Wisconsin cheese soup and every important bodily function of mine -> is conducted via rubber tubing, my life is a very special thing -> and I still have a lot to add. -> -> Sure, if I'm in a persistent vegetative state, I may not be -> someone you want to invite to your party, but I can still do many -> important things like blink, moan and defecate via some rubber -> tubing -- all of which can be fun at parties. Still don't want to -> invite me to your party? Well, I probably wouldn't even want to -> come, anyway. And it would be hard for me to get there, too, since -> my arms and legs wouldn't work. -> -> I've told my wife how sacred my life is and how, even if I'm in a -> coma for 30 years, she shouldn't kill me or date or move on in any -> way. And she promises she won't. But I wonder. -> -> She seems like a nice lady, but I've seen indications that she -> could very well be a plug-puller. For instance, a beloved family -> fish of ours recently fell victim to a vicious flushing by her -> hand. Sure, he had taken to spending most of his time floating -> belly up on the surface of his fish bowl with one eye closed. But -> his other eye was open and he could still move his fin a little. -> Using my completely foolproof slippery slope line of reasoning -> (e.g., legalization of gay marriage will inevitably lead to the -> world catching on fire and Satan ruling over us all from his -> velvet throne), if she can flush a fish, would it be so hard to -> see her flushing me down a metaphorical toilet? Or even a real -> one? -> -> As a precaution against this happening, I carry a note with me at -> all times, spelling out my wishes should I fall into a lengthy coma: -> -> "If you're reading this letter, I am probably in a persistent -> vegetative state. But wait: Perhaps, I am only very, very drunk. -> Have I recently demanded taquitos? Have I made a clumsy grab at -> your breasts? If the answer to both of these questions is no, -> chances are I am in apersistent vegetative state. (Just to be extra -> sure, poke me with a stick.) Either way, though, don't kill me! -> -> "Is my wife nearby? Is she with someone cute? Does he have a -> bigger penis than me? Ask casually -- try not to make a big deal -> about it. But if he does (I'm somewhere between 4 centimeters and -> a foot), shoo them both away from the plugs that govern my life -> functions! Did my wife's boyfriend run away like a girl? That -> figures. But that's what you get with a penis like that. -> -> "If my parents are there, see if they remember the time I flunked -> out of college and cost them $10,000. Does my mom remember the -> time I got her cigarettes for Mother's Day? Does my dad remember -> the time I was playing third base in Little League, and I wet my -> pants? Again, ask casually. If they remember any of this, get them -> out of the room immediately -- and wait for my persistent vegetative -> state to come to a sudden end." I'd just like to point out that if I'm ever in a persistent vegetative state, that's okay, but if I'm in a pedantic vegetative state, someone should unplug my computer so I won't bother the rest of the Internet. Also, if I ever enter a persistently vegetarian state against my will, I want all my friends to stuff White Castle burgers into me to make me well again. -- K. CNN.com headline right now: => => Ms. Wheelchair stripped of title for standing up Apparently the Ms. Wheelchair pageant is funded by doctors and wheelchair salesmen who want to pressure people in wheelchairs _not_ to get better. These wheelchair people don't know their place! They need to stay down there so we can keep looking over the tops of their heads to ignore them! SIT, WHEELCHAIR PERSON! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:02:58 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > So we have been invited to a lesbeen wedding. All of us? Cool. I'm gonna head right on over to the Sears tool department to do my shopping, especially because it'll make the Sears's employee's head explode when I tell them why I'm buying the pliers, due to half their brain being unable to handle the concept of an alternative lifestyle and the other half being unable to figure out what "pliers" look like. > A colleague of Vlad's and her partner (also an academic, God love them) > are having one a them alternative weddings--- a "casual event" they say. > So. > > I can handle any kind of het wedding you throw at me. There's only two kinds. Regular and shotgun. And the latter only happen on special two-part sitcom episodes. > I know what to wear what time of the day in what venue, Hint: No pajamas at the dinner table. > and pretty much what kind of gift to fork over. Don't you have a local store that sells just stuff for lesbians? Like Grand Opening in Brookline or Sears in Stupidland? > But this isn't going to be a sun-dress-and-picture-hat-in-the-garden > or a cocktail-dress-and-strappy-heels-at-the-hotel kind of event. And > gifts? I'm not even sure which one is the bride. *sigh* MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHICH IS THE WOMAN, AND IS IT BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE??? > So--- suggestions? > > It's at the end of April. Weather here will be iffy. As usual. Then dress in layers. Sheesh, do we have to do everything for you just because you've never had a lesbian look at you? I call on all lesbians on a.r.k to start stalking Darla and commenting on every aspect of what's wrong with her wardrobe to help her get comfortable. -- K. Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: And the Hey-Hey. Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:42:38 -0500 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which "Queer Eye" spinoff have I blundered into? > > Queer Eye for the Mortician? I've been saying for months that the TV networks need to do "Queer Eye For The Blind Guy", but noooooo, that's apparently too tasteless for them so they just keep showing "Fear Factor" and "CSI". Me, I want to do "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Guy", where I'd travel around saving people from wheat germ and convincing them to taste the bacon. "Fear Factor" has all those segments where people are forced to eat rhino rhectums, but this would be less disgusting to watch even though the vegetarian contestants would still be just as grossed out. Also I'd go into their fridge and throw out anything that's good for them. And a year later, we'd revisit all the contestants and the one who'd gained the most weight would win a year's supply of Doritos. "Meat Eye For The Vegetarian Eye" would air back-to-back with "Third Eye For The Buddhist Guy", where we'd force people to experience nirvana (using the leftover bacon from the other show.) Also there should be "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy", where people who brag about not owning TV sets would be strapped down "Clockwork Orange" style and shown the twenty top-rated programs so we could watch them scream. -- K. Especially if "TV Eye For The Intellectual Guy" ever makes it into the top 20. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 11:45:42 -0500 Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, here's a news article. [www.news24.com] -> -> Man tucks into corpse -> -> Bangkok -- A 50-year-old ex-convict found eating a partially -> cremated corpse in northeastern Thailand was arrested but freed -> without charge because police could not find a law against -> cannibalism, police said on Wednesday. I think there needs to be a song about this. The lyrics would write themselves. It would like like the old Nick At Nite jingle that had the "Happy Days" clips -- "You can say it to a date who is a dope (Sit on it, Potsie!) or even indirectly say it to comedian Bob Hope (Bob Hope can sit on it!)" Except that in this case it would be something about how "you can even eat stringy old Bob Hope (Bob Hope on a stick!)" -> Sakorn Piengphon was arrested and questioned after he was found -> two weeks ago eating the body of Kote Nonthasorn, who had been -> cremated but whose body had not completely burned, police Major -> Suphakorn Hiengboon told AFP. Oh, so that's why I haven't heard about Dracula Land lately! l'AFP has switched to cranking out articles about the joys of cannibalism! Why is this French news agency so interested? Because they love cannibalism in France! Except they ruin it by putting mayonnaise all over it. -> But because Thailand has no law specifically banning cannibalism, -> Suphakorn said the man was released without charge. -> -> "I don't know what to charge him with," Suphakorn said. -> -> "He appeared in a poor mental state. I have asked the provincial -> psychiatrist to check on his mental health," he said. -> -> Sakron was found in the act of eating Kote's unburned organs the -> day after the cremation, when Kote's relatives went back to the -> cemetery to ensure the body had burned completely and to collect -> her ashes, Suphakorn said. Didn't Captain Nemo once serve Kirk Douglas "Puree Of Unborn Octopus with Unburned Organs"? -> The cemetery in Nakhon Phanom -- an impoverished and -> drought-stricken town 740 kilometres northeast of Bangkok near the -> Laos border -- has no crematorium, and bodies sometimes fail to -> burn completely unless the funeral pyre is attended to constantly. -> -> Sakorn was released from prison last year after serving more than -> 15 years on charges of killing his mother. But still, it's nice to see that he's staying within the letter of the law now that he's a nice guy. -> He told police he ate the body because he was starving as his -> family had ostracised him since his release, Suphakorn said. Classic excuses for cannibalism: 1. ostracism 2. peer pressure 3. nothing good on TV 4. having first accidentally Krazy-Glued your eyes shut so you don't realize who you're eating -- K. Just don't tell Hannibal Lecter to "sit on it", much less "bite me". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ever wonder what makes Thai food so yummy? Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:19:39 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Since everyone on a.r.k keeps talking about how great cannibalism is, > > here's a news article. > > > > [...] > > > > I think there needs to be a song about this. > > This is a bit of a rush job. Can someone improve it? > > Out in Thailand, the cuisine is really quite nice. > You can eat like a king at a miserly price, > And all around Bangkok they've all heard the news > Of Mr. Sakron's unique barbequeues. > > Mr. Sakron, his judgements are rarely misplaced. > He seeks out the folks who have really good taste. > And critics with him may at times disagree, > But he settles them down with a Tums or three. > > Mr. Sakron's a boss whose demands are severe. > If you're not what he wants then you're out on your ear; > For his needs are exacting, and his appetite's vast, > And that's why he goes through his waiters so fast. > > His reputation is growing, his fame is worldwide > For there's no greater expert on how to treat your insides > And that's why I've no doubt that if you've read the news > You've heard of M. Sakron's unique barbequeues. Needs more Bob Hope. And meecrob. And Gene Rayburn dressed like a giant squid. And the cast of "Lost In Space" fighting the cast of "Batman" with guns that fire entire houses. And the world's smallest violin playing Mozart's Unlistenable Symphony. And the song should give you candy whenever you hear it. If it needs more improvement, that'll be an additional five dollars. -- K. What, you didn't rhyme "Sakron" with "Akron"? Needs a Goodyear blimp. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 12:11:23 -0500 And now, here's a third deformation of that Russian news story about the doctor who likes to whip and/or cane and/or spank people for money. I'm fascinated by the way this article keeps becoming deviant in different ways. It's like a game of "Telephone", but with a spanking machine involved. I tracked down the below article on Ananova.com (a British site which posts mangled, unattributed little news stories, about 50% of which smell made up) after seeing it referenced on News24.com under the headline "Spank The Blues". (But sadly, it wasn't about Patrick Lalime finally getting to play hockey.) [www.ananova.com] -> -> Scientist backs caning -> -> A Russian scientist claims a beating on the naked buttocks with a -> cane is the perfect way to cure everything from depression to -> alcoholism. -> -> Dr Sergei Speransky says caning releases endorphins, the body's -> natural 'happy chemicals', Izvestia reports. And if you want to get an endorphin rush and a sugar buzz, there's always candy caning! -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of -> non-vitalistic activity'. "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or "odyle"? -> Dr Speransky, a biologist of the Novosibirsk Institute of -> Medicine, claims corporal punishment helps people overcome -> addiction and depression. No, corporal punishment, by definition, makes you unhappy. It's corporal entertainment that makes you all giddy. I wouldn't trust whoever wrote this version of this article to be able to put porn tapes into the proper categories in my porn store, let alone beat me with an ugly stick. By the way, I don't actually have a porn store. -> He said: "The treatment works. I'm not sadistic, at least not in -> the classical sense, but I do advocate caning." Heyyyyy! The last two versions of the article had him saying he wasn't a masochist. And you can't not be a masochist _and_ not be a sadist. This furthers my theory that "masochism" and "sadism" are synonyms if you work at a newspaper. Someone should teach writers a thing or two about how to not seem so clueless about perversion. Here, clip and save this handy guide to the terminology: * If you whip someone else, you're a sadist. * If someone else whips you, you're a masochist. * If you whip yourself, you're lonely. (Call me.) -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger than average. -> His colleague Dr Marina Chuhrova, who also took part in preparing -> the report, said she had 10 patients she caned regularly. -> -> She added: "At first they didn't like it, but when they started to -> feel the benefits they kept asking for more." But how come none of these news sites has a video clip of the clinic's commercial? I want to hear her say "I used to not even know the word 'gummikrankenschwester', but now I am one." -> The Russian team says they are now charging for the caning -> sessions getting 57 pounds per patient for a standard treatment. Uh huh. "Standard treatment". You pay more for "Treatment with full release". Don't even ask how much "Treatment around the world" costs. -> In a new paper entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of treatment -> for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of non-vitalistic -> activity' the scientists said that when caned a person's body will -> release masses of endorphins, making them feel happier. The paper -> was presented at a congress entitled 'New Methods of Treatment and -> Rehabilitation in Narcology'. I'd hardly call torture a "new" method of rehabilitation. I mean, two thousand years ago, there was this Jesus guy who was into cross training. -- K. WOMP WOMP ow. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: proof Russian science is still catching up to us Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:19:48 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > By the way, Taly, this time Google News put each "References:" item in your headers on a line by itself instead of mashing them together in a bad way. However, there's still an extra space in your "real name". But at least Google's new format for your "References:" header isn't making my computer explode when I try to write a pointless followup and I like mittens, yay! (I could never say that before.) > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> He has written a report entitled 'Pain affliction as a method of > > -> treatment for addictive behaviour and other manifestations of > > -> non-vitalistic activity'. > > > > "Manifestations of non-vitalistic activity"? Shouldn't that sentence > > also include a few "subluxations", some "qi" and either "vril" or > > "odyle"? > > mmm, subluxation. that's the thing where your spinal cord is travelling > just below the speed of light, instead of faster than light the way it > normally does. a properly functioning nervous system always travels > *backwards* in time, not forwards. Check into rehab before you get addicted to resublimated thiotimoline. > really, spanking therapy needs its own mystical jargon, since the other > jargon words are all associated with other forms of therapy: > > if your doctor says you have a: then your doctor will: > SUBLUXATION BREAK YOUR NECK > QI IMBALANCE STAB YOU IN THE NECK > VRIL OVERLOAD SEND FLYING SAUCERS AFTER YOU > ODYLE SATURATION STARE AT THE SKY AND > SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE STARS > BEING SUSPENDED IN BLUE JELLY I'm pretty sure spankological enreddenment already has its own mystical jargon. However, it cannot be explained, only demonstrated. The Naughty Spot technique, on the other hand, doesn't have any two-dollar words associated with it. It's not even a real spot. It's just an imaginary locus of spotness, like the way the Equator isn't really painted on the stupid Atlantic Ocean. So be careful when walking around because you might step on a Naughty Spot without knowing it, and then you'd be punished by not being given your happy fun spanking. Not even a Russian would spank you. > > [...] > > > > -> He recommends a standard treatment course of 30 sessions delivered > > -> on the buttocks by a person of average build. > > > > Again, Dr. Spankalot's "no fat sadists" policy raises the question > > of whether someone who is _severely_ depressed needs to be treated > > by someone who is unusually average, or by someone who is larger > > than average. > > I think he's not so much saying "NO FAT CHYX" as he's suggesting that > you don't want someone more muscular than normal, because they may hit > you too hard and cause your eyeballs to fire out of their sockets and > land in the fruit salad. > > and if that happens, what is he going to stab? First off, naughty children are spanked all the time by people much bigger than them, and it doesn't do any harm to them except to turn them all into psychotic serial killers, game show hosts, and people who masturbate during reruns of that episode of "The Goodies" where they mate Rolf Harris to another Rolf Harris. Secondly, skinny guys look silly when they take off their shirts and put on an executioner's mask. They need to invent arm chaps that will let the skinny guy have a bare chest but still pad his biceps. This is why, back in the days of the Inquisition, they all wore those baggy sack dresses when torturing people -- it was really a secret society of wimpy twig-boys brutalizing strong men they were jealous of, and in fact, the Inquisition was originally called "Revenge Of The Nerds". The recent shoddy imitation of it -- Abu Ghraib -- was originally called "Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid", except they recast it to replace the fat guy with that evil sphere-headed woman. Thirdly, your eyeballs wouldn't pop out because you'd keep your eyelids shut pretty tight, though technically that would be unnecessary because you'd also have your head wrapped in duct tape to keep you from getting a good look at the inside of the olive drab plastic sandbag. Fourthly, you are spending _way_ too much time thinking about this. -- K. Did you get that weird bongo-drum controller for your Nintendo 64? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 14:36:49 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote (quoted in full): > > Thats fucking retarted. > there is no apolo on the oon for one thing. oron. -- K. (Is this a record?) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Moon being disintegrated! Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 09:27:35 -0500 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > KiBoooo yer a fool all year. > Biboo is the pupet that stabed the king and made kids cry. > BOO BOO Kiboo Your Yogi Bear impression doesn't fool me. For one thing, you're too poorly-animated even to be Yogi Bear. For another, you're less smart than the average bear. -- K. To which king do you refer? The King of Science (Archie), The King of Terror (Me), or the Burger King (just some pervert who sneaks into men's beds while holding a greasy egg sandwich)? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Sin City Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 15:09:12 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > They do not make up for the rest of the crap, which includes Frodo as > > a psychopathic cannibal. > > > > Is there any other kind? > > Well, there are -polite- sociopathic cannibals. "Please, good yummy sir, may I have another bite of you?" And remember, not all cannibals are sociopaths. Some do it for the good of society, like that guy who's about to eat Andy Rooney. -- K. Why are all you people suddenly so pro-cannibal? Did the American government change everyone's dietary requirements again? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: That guy who's been the Pope's "Personal Secretary" for 40 years? Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 19:07:13 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Bruno VeSota (vesota@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to know how long we still have to worry about whether > > this particular pope is the antichrist or not. > > Some of us suspect we know the current location of the antichrist. I THINK I AM GOING TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET NOW AND I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THE COORDINATES OF THE VERY DISTANT MARKET I'M CHOOSING. RETURN TO YOUR DAILY LIVES AND DO NOT NOTICE I AM USING CAPITALS. -- K. WHY YES THIS IS AN ALPENFLAGE ZUCHETTO. THERE IS ALMOST NO DEATH RAY GUN HIDDEN INSIDE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 10:32:55 -0400 I saw this linked from Fark and I was required to comment, because otherwise it would have zapped me. [www.smh.com.au] -> -> Coming soon: a PC combat game that shoots back -> -> By Frank Walker -> April 3, 2005 -> The Sun-Herald (I loved him as the voice of the dolphin on "seaQuest".) -> A combat simulator developed for the US military that "shoots" -> back, delivering an electric shock strong enough to knock down -> players, could be the next big thing for home-computer games. I have an even better idea for a combat simulator! It could be a combat simulator that fires real bullets at people! And when an enemy intentionally kills you, you actually die! What a simulation! -> A Texas-based company, VirTra Systems, is selling the combat -> simulator to military and police forces around the world. Its -> spokesman, Steve Haag, said Australian armed forces had -> expressed an interest in getting one. ...to help Australia will continue its reign of military domination over the free world. -> Players enter a platform with a 360-degree screen that shows -> scenarios such as freeing hostages, street gun fights, taking -> out suicide bombers and team attacks on enemy positions. And -> VirTra takes the simulations a step further by enabling the -> computer game to "shoot back". Yawn. Wake me when they re-invent paintball. -> If a player fails to kill an enemy in time and the enemy is able -> to shoot back, the simulator delivers a powerful electric shock ...to the penis. Come on, you can say it. We all know the only sexual activity habitual video-game players are capable of understanding is when a computer and electricity are involved. Say "to the penis": -> through the player's hips. What would be so hard about saying "penis"? If that's too much for you, you could always just say, "Electric current goes through the player's hips, from hip A to hip B right through Mr. P." -> You definitely know you have been hit," Mr Haag said. "It has -> the same power as a stun gun. It knocks you down. So play the game sitting down. Duh! -> "You have to continue to work through the pain and keep on -> fighting, as that is what you need to do -- to keep on fighting -> even when wounded. ...'cause you never know when the enemy might try to distract you by making your crotch vibrate with a long-range masturbatory aid. -> "You have to regain your composure, shake your head, and get back -> in the fight as your life and your Go ahead, you can say "penis" here. -> unit's life depends on it." Again, how was it too difficult to say "your penis's sex life depends on it"? -> Those who play on PCs would love a game that shot back, said -> David Wildgoose, editor of the game magazine PC Powerplay. Yeah, and you know what they'd love even more? If it talked dirty to you and didn't have any sort of stupid game you had to play and you could just hit a button and it would subscribe you to free porn web sites while sending pulses of power down your pants. -> "People are already talking about something like that," he said. -> "It is possible, and is just waiting for somebody to really -> integrate it into a game." I'm waiting for someone to integrate it into "Monopoly". -> Wildgoose has noted that there are already controls that shake -> and hum as players drive or fly, and a few years ago a company -> sold a vest that vibrates as things happen on the screen. Don't forget the Auto-Suck. It vibrates and makes you hum as you drive. -> Mr Haag said the US military had embraced the technology as -> trainees were getting rapid heart rates, sweaty palms and fear -> during the simulation, just like they might get if they were shot. Getting your body torn apart by bullets makes your heart beat faster? Wow, everything I know about trauma is wrong! -> The US military had used the simulator at fairs as a recruitment -> tool, he said. "JOIN THE ARMY AND WE'LL ZAP YOUR PENIS!" Direct and to the point. They should also mention something about how opening an MRE is just like "Fear Factor". -> In a promotional video on VirTra's website, a TV reporter trying -> out the simulator yells: "Hey, shooting people is fun." And yet, ironically, Darth Vader turned _from_ the Dark Side when he saw the Emperor giving electric shocks to Luke Skywalker. I always particularly liked the way the inside of Luke's mouth lit up like a refrigerator. -> Mr Haag said it was only a matter of time and demand before the -> system could be sold to the public as a computer game. It's also only a matter of time and demand before I start selling people a rectal thermometer that pokes them in the eye. IF I WAIT FOR AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME EVENTUALLY THERE MUST BE SOME DEMAND! -> "This is ultimate shooter video game," he said. -> -> "We use real actors, not computer graphics, and when you shoot -> them they fall, but if you don't get them properly they will -> keep coming. -> -> We can put in smells and vibrations." You can, but you won't. Every two weeks someone brags about how they _can_ now transmit smells through TV or _can_ transmit smells over the Internet but then they _don't_ because that's _stupid_. It's so stupid that I chose to underline "stupid" instead of just accompanying it with the secret code that makes fart gas come out of your computer screen. -- K. Hey, shooting people is fun. They should sell a Most Dangerous Game Home Game. It would come in a big box with a guy living inside. You'd open it and he'd run out and then you could go kill him once you unwrapped the gun that would be delivered one minute later. Refills sold separately in choice of regular, athletic, or crack addict. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 15:18:23 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> A Texas-based company, VirTra Systems, is selling the combat > > -> simulator to military and police forces around the world. Its > > -> spokesman, Steve Haag, said Australian armed forces had > > -> expressed an interest in getting one. > > > > ...to help Australia will continue its reign of military domination > > over the free world. > > It wouldn't be the free world, then. It would be the > Australia-dominated world, and we'd all be either working > at Outback Steakhouse or toiling away in the prawn mines. I've always wanted to see a war between Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse and Outback Steakhouse over whether Canada or Australia has the best American cuisine. > Also in the Australian combat s(t)imulator the kangaroos are > armed with rocket launchers, just like real life. Are they rapping kangaroos? I was shocked to see a direct-to-video sequel to "Kangaroo Jack" on the shelf at Toys R Us with nobody buying it. I think it was animated, but I didn't go close enough to ascertain any details. The title is "Kangaroo Jack: G'Day U.S.A.!" Here is the full text of the most positive review on Amazon.com: -> This movie is very tooo fuuunnnyyy and the original version -> is funny to but the critic is stupid the story of this movie -> is very original. Sorry, the writer of the review is below the age of majority, so Amazon won't show the "about me" or "see all my reviews" links to let us know what he or she thought about other equally good films such as "Scooby-Doo 2", "Baby Geniuses 2", "The Cat In The Hat 2", "Can't Stop The Music 2", "The Road To Wellville 2", and "Manos The Hands Of Fate 2". -- K. "Still Can't Stop The Music" would star Horatio Sanz as Steve Guttenberg, and Andy Dick as Bruce Jenner, and a rapping kangaroo as The Village People. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: shocking video games, and I don't mean Pajama Sam kissing broccoli Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 11:47:01 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > You can, but you won't. Every two weeks someone brags about how they > > _can_ now transmit smells through TV or _can_ transmit smells over the > > Internet but then they _don't_ because that's _stupid_. It's so stupid > > that I chose to underline "stupid" instead of just accompanying it > > with the secret code that makes fart gas come out of your computer screen. > > You make me cry. Now I feel stupid for having bought the Odorama 256 4D > olfactive card. Which uses the brand new SML-4 olfactive compression > standard. Now embedded into HTML. > > Here, smell my stinky old socks: > > socks Fine, two can play: nerve gas I win! -- K. Unless you're reading this while wearing a gas mask, but that would be pretty ridiculous if someone other than me did it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A new syndrome I can pretend to have! Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 11:39:57 -0400 [abcnews.go.com] -> -> Rare Disorder Causes Endless Hunger -> -> Prader-Willi Sufferers Struggle With Uncontrollable Appetite -> -> Mar. 31, 2005 -- For Maribel Rivera, the sound of an ice cream -> truck in her Los Angeles neighborhood is like torture. Just the -> sound of the music sends the 24-year-old woman into an -> uncontrollable raging tantrum. Oh boy! Know what this means? I have all the symptoms of Prader-Willi Syndrome! Or rather, I will in about three weeks when that f'ing "AYLO!" ice cream truck returns to my neighborhood. I WANT TO KILL THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK AND CRUSH IT FLAT WITH A STEAMROLLER AND PAVE IT OVER AND DRIVE A COMPLETELY SILENT ICE CREAM TRUCK BACK AND FORTH OVER ITS GRAVE AND NOW I HAVE A MEDICAL EXCUSE FOR DOING SO! Hooray for Prader-Willi Syndrome, whatever it is! -> "It's like she can't get this and she needs it. It's like the -> end of the world for her," said her sister, Mercedes Rivera. What, does Prader-Willi Syndrome make it impossible for her to figure out that money can be exchanged for ice cream? -> The cause of Maribel's rage isn't just a bad temper. It's a rare -> genetic disorder called Prader-Willi Syndrome. The syndrome -> stems from a flaw on Maribel's chromosome 15. It causes -> intellectual impairments, short stature and occasionally violent -> behavior. It also profoundly affects hunger, creating a sense of -> never being satisfied. Maribel's hunger is unimaginable. I can imagine it. Can't everyone? Doesn't everyone get violent whenever they run out of bacon? -> "She does not have what we have. We know when we're full. For -> her, it's not like that. She's always hungry. And you know we -> always have to watch it. Because wherever it may be, even if -> it's in the trash, she'll get it," Mercedes said. Hey, cool. I need to clean out my fridge, but I'm too lazy to throw out all the five-year-old rancidities. Can she come over? -> Mercedes made a documentary -- simply called "Maribel" -- in -> which she describes her sister's unceasing hunger and its -> effects on the family. In one scene, Maribel wanders off to a -> hot dog stand and, when she thinks no one is looking, begins to -> beg strangers to buy her a hot dog. So put down the video camera and buy your sister a freakin' hot dog! "Welcome to my documentary, titled 'My sister has to have a hot dog and I'm going to make her cry by not buying her one.' Stay tuned for the sequel, 'I make my sister cry even more when I give her a hot dog and then take it away.'" -> Families of children with Prader-Willi must take drastic -> measures to keep their kids from literally eating themselves to -> death. Maribel is always under supervision. -> -> Mercedes said the main concern at home is ensuring that all of -> the food in the house is locked up. "We have to lock the -> refrigerator. Any other food in the pantry, it's all locked," -> she said. But what about that giant marshmallow at the head of the bed? -> Stealing Cupcakes as a Toddler -> -> Jim and Kit Kane's 24-year-old daughter, Kate, is also afflicted -> with the syndrome. And they take similar measures to control -> Kate's eating. -> -> "We have our cabinets locked, we have our refrigerator locked, -> and I slept on the couch in the family room, because I knew she -> would come down in the middle of the night and try to get in the -> refrigerator," Jim Kane said. (Not a very good lock, is it?) -> [...] -> -> But the eating didn't stop and began to get out of control. -> When she was 2 years old, Kate started stealing cupcakes at -> birthday parties. And then there was the tragic incident when she mauled several campers when her parents took her to Jellystone Park. -> [...] -> -> Thanks to her parents' hard work, Kate qualified for residency -> in a home for adults with Prader-Willi in Wisconsin. There she -> is monitored 24 hours a day and has lost 100 pounds over the -> past year. -> -> Residents are trained in healthier living and can earn income -> doing manual labor. At last, instead of exploiting Bangladeshi children, Wal-Mart can now exploit people with genetic disorders! And it's all thanks to Rube Goldberg inventing the treadmill with a carrot hanging from a string in front of it. -> [...] -> -> Maribel's mom -- who shares her daughter's name -- points out -> there are also blessings, however. "The blessing is we've -> learned so much from Maribel," she says. -> -> "A lot of special persons [are] out there," she said. "We should -> all look and see what they have inside." Thousands of cupcakes? I'm sorry, that was a cheap shot. Now I feel bad. I'm going to go cheer myself up by having as much ice cream as I want! -> Copyright (c) 2005 ABC News Internet Ventures Yeah, so I quoted you without express written consent. What're you going to do about it, take away my delicious, yummy ice cream? -- K. Mmm, it's got real peaches in it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 17:50:15 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > Sure, tell a newsgroup full of insecure, habitual over-doers that they > > need to be more aggressive with their women. > > Up to a point women actually prefer it that way. Whoa there. Not all Members Of The Appropriate Sex want you to use the same approach, and the same person may want something different at different times. There are certain chicks who may be happy to have someone dressed like a pirate throw them over their shoulder and carry them off to their lair to be immediately relieved of their clothes, but there are others who will get creeped out of if you do so much as tell them what you do for a living before they ask. Some folks are looking for good listeners, others are looking to have a conversation, others want to just listen. Be aggressive only if they're looking to let you take charge. And don't even think of _asking_ your potential date whether or not you should be aggressive or passive with them, you wimp. You gotta size 'em up within a tenth of a second and then you get one and only one chance to open your mouth and if you do it wrong they will forever have a little canary in the back of their brain honking "CREEP! CREEP! CREEP!" Whatever you do, if you decide the time is right for a strong approach, don't use a canned "strong approach" such as a stupid pick-up line you learned from a Benny Hill rerun. Say something _honest_ which suggests they should be having a conversation with you (without being so forthright to preclude them being able to cognitively reframe the encounter as one they chose to go along with), such as "I wish they'd turn the music down, it would be much easier to talk," rather than something desperate ("Hi, can I talk to you?") or domineering ("Hey, let's go over there and talk.") There's also the traditional minor flattery approach ("That's a really interesting necklace") but again you have to be careful not to come on strong enough to make the red alert go off ("Your hair really turns me on!") Basically, usually you gotta be "aggressive" enough to have the courage to go up to the person and break the ice, but not "aggressive" enough to make 'em think you're trying to manipulate them out of their pants. But like I said, you shouldn't go in assuming a one-size-fits-all approach, some people will freak out if you're even that "aggressive", and others are looking for a pirate to ravish them. Whether erring on the side of docility or aggressiveness is better really depends on what type of person you're looking for. If you're not looking for the sort of person who wants to be thrown on the bed and ravished, being too aggressive will cause them to make a snap judgment that you're creepy. And if you are looking for a one-night sex romp, being meek certainly won't get you anywhere either. You gotta be aware of (a) what you want, (b) what environment you're in, and (c) guess what the other person wants or expects, then choose an approach. And if you really do all the above before taking a risk, then you're a TOTAL LOSER. In fact, if you even _read_ this whole article about how to say hello to someone, you're A TOTAL LOSER. So don't ever follow any dating advice anyone gives you, even me, because trying to follow dating advice is the surest sign that you're CAPTAIN LOSER OF NERDWORLD. Anyway, good luck with that insecurity thing. -- K. Oh, and learn to cook, and get a big library of obscure DVDs of all genres. If they volunteer that they like okra-flavored ice cream and science-fiction ballet, be prepared to say "Come on over and I'll whip you up the okraiest ice cream you ever had and then we'll watch the director's cut of 'Nutcrackinator 3000'." If you can't at least fake such an interest in providing what makes them happy, you'll be limited to dating people exactly like you and you'll never find one because TOTAL LOSERS LIKE YOU won't even talk to a TOTAL LOSER LIKE YOU. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:13:41 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? > > A drummer. > > Let's see. > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Hey, tell me a musician joke, > robot. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a double bass sound > in tune?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Chop it up and make it into a > xylophone." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Tell me another musician joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a french horn sound > like a trombone?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Take your hand out of the bell and > play without any semblance of taste." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: That's not a very good musician > joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's the difference between a > saxophone and a lawn mower?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "The neighbors are upset if you > borrow a lawnmower and don't return it." But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has ever even tried to like. I mean, the previous President of the United States played the saxophone. That made it as uncool as a harmonica already was. And bagpipes, those are just a way for Scotsmen to use up the extra tartan fabric they saved by making skirts instead of pants. > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: OK, do you know any good MATH > jokes? > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's an anagram for > Banach-Tarski?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Banach-Tarski-Banach-Tarski." Wait, Twiki wasn't a giant or a killer, even though he did once travel back in time to give Stalin lessons on how to do "The Bump". Your robot was so funny that I laughed negative Graham's Number times. Hey, how unfunny would Negative Graham's Number be? Well, that depends on how fat Graham's Number is. Let me just paste in an explanation I wrote last month but had been saving for when someone started talking about math nerdities: [forgodot.new21.org] -> -> Graham's Number -> -> The smallest dimension n of a hypercube such that if the lines -> joining all pairs of corners are two-colored, a planar complete -> graph K(4) of one color will be forced. Stated colloquially, this -> is equivalent to considering every possible committee from some -> number of people n and enumerating every pair of committees. Now -> assign each pair of committees to one of two groups, and find the -> smallest n that will guarantee that there are four committees in -> which all pairs fall in the same group and all the people belong -> to an even number of committees (Hoffman 1998, p. 54). [www.absoluteastronomy.com] => => Graham's number is connected to the following problem in the => branch of mathematics known as Ramsey theory: => => Consider an n-dimensional hypercube, and connect each pair of => vertices to obtain a complete graph on vertices. Then colour each => of the edges of this graph using only the colours red and black. => What is the smallest value of n for which every possible such => colouring must necessarily contain a single-coloured complete => sub-graph with 4 vertices that lies in a plane? => => Although the solution to this problem is not yet known, Graham's => number is the smallest known upper bound. => => In his 1989 book 'Penrose Tiles to Trapdoor Ciphers' (ISBN => 0883855216), Martin Gardner wrote "Ramsey-theory experts believe => the actual Ramsey number for this problem is probably 6," making => Graham's number perhaps the worst smallest-upper-bound ever => discovered. More recently, Geoff Exoo of Indiana State University => has shown (in 2003) that it must be at least 11 and provided => evidence that it is larger. Graham's number is also called g(64), where in Donald Knuth's notation, g(1) = 3^^^^3 (imagine those are little up-arrows) and g(n) = 3^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...g(n-1) up-arrows...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^3. Don't ask what "3^^^^3" is, but it's efuckingnormous, bigger than a zillion zillions. And that's just g(1). g(2) makes g(1) look smaller than a packet of airline pretzels. So you can imagine how big Graham's Number -- g(64) -- is. Well, actually, you can't. No human can even pretend to pretend to pretend to understand g(64). ^ | If this sentence has 64 "pretend"s in a row, it's true. If it has 65, it's false. It's just that unpretendable. Not even John Lennon and Mr. Rogers could imagine pretending to imagine it no matter how many drugs they shared in this land of Math Make-Believe Where Even Numbers Kibo Mentions Can Be So Big That They Fuck Up Your Brain. g(64) is so big that the only description of how big it is would have to be followed by more exclamation points than could fit in the Universe. g(64) a.k.a Graham's Damn Big Number makes a googolplex seem as tiny as a common household googol. It's even larger than the number of "CSI" reruns on cable today. Anyway, the solution to the problem about trapping a board of directors inside a hypercube and spray-painting them is a number which is at least 11 but smaller than Graham's Number. In other words, it's narrowed down to somewhere greater than almost nothing but less than the largest number anyone ever made up. Now that's what I call math! Extreeeeeme math! I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that Graham's Number is not exactly 298,738,125,032,839,110,943,158,462,232,734,109,666. I am so confident, I promise that if my prediction is proven wrong, I will kiss Bob Hope on the lips. By the way, when this article said "Consider an n-dimensional hypercube" and then explained that n could be any value up to Graham's Number, I hope you actually did consider a hypercube with that many zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion dimensions. Einstein once tried to consider a hypercube with only a trillion dimensions, and it hurt his brain so bad that he was reduced to a drooling idiot for the rest of his life. So imagine what will happen if you imagine a g(64)-dimensional hypertesserpolytoperacticubinous omegahedron. Now imagine Gary Gygax rolling it and yelling "N-DIMENSIONAL YAHTZEE!" -- K. In conclusion, let me just say that if your IQ is "x", my IQ is g(g(x)). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 14:36:17 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and > > a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has > > ever even tried to like. > > you forgot the accordion. Uh oh, I think Plonkwort is going to grab your ears and squeeze. > An accordion player was having a drink when he realized he left his > car unlocked, with the accordion still inside! He ran out to his > car, but it was too late -- someone had broken into the car and > left two more accordions. You lie. You can't have three accordions in one place or they explode. They're like Siamese fighting fish. Or if a color-blind guy takes Viagra, since it can't turn his vision blue it makes his head explode. So why does Viagra allegedly make your vision turn blue? I've never heard anyone here say that impotence made it turn pink. -- K. And why don't blue contact lenses also cure impotence? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy" Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 00:16:36 -0400 Well, as far as tonight's TV-movie, "Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy", went... The guy playing Robin Williams really nailed the Robin Williams impression, despite not having the right face or the giant chest muscles or the fifty pounds of body hair. But he absolutely nailed the voice. I bet Dan Castellaneta will cry himself to sleep after seeing this. Bootleg Mork deserves some special award for capturing the essence of young Robin Williams hopped up on spaz dust. Otherwise... The guy playing John Byner did a fine impression of Dave Thomas. And the guy playing John Belushi did an absolutely perfect impression of Jack Black. I'm not sure who the guy who was supposed to be Jonathan Winters was playing, but he can be forgiven, as there's no way any human, alien, or robot could possibly pass himself, herself, or itself off as Jonathan Winters. Does the real Garry Marshall wear Funny Plastic Gag Teeth all the time? He seemed to have a row of bathroom tiles glued to his upper lip. -- K. I still want to date the real Jack Black, not this Tyler Labine person who accidentally played him tonight. Whoever plays me in my unauthorized biography can date Tyler Labine. Tune in in twenty years to see "Undocumented True Stories: The Making Of The Scenes Behind What Really Happened When Kibo Became President Of North America". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 11:23:25 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > Tune in in twenty years to see "Undocumented True Stories: > > The Making Of The Scenes Behind What Really Happened When Kibo > > Became President Of North America". > > You only want to become President of North America so you can pour more > public money into the Senators. It's not public money, it's _Canadian_ money. I'm going to privatize Canada so that it's one big corporation owned by the United States. I'll sell naming rights to all the provinces. Do you really think anyone's ever going to live in Nunavut while it has a name like that? Changing its name from "Nunavut" to "The Land Of Dairy Queen" would be a big step forward. > This will only cause them to become the best team ever to not have > won the Cup. Hey, they've had the Cup more times than any other if you count all those years they played before that fifty-year hiatus and if you don't deduct points for the time they got drunk and kicked the Cup into the canal. It's just that they haven't gotten a Cup since the team was re-formed within the last two decades, but in the same way that new "Star Trek" shows are still "Star Trek" and the new "Doctor Who" is still "Doctor Who" even if it's all wrong, the new Senators are still the same team that kept winning the Cup back when hockey sweaters were actual sweaters. Also the statistics get even better if you don't count the Toronto Maple Leafs as the same team back when they kept changing their name every season, since they started as the Toronto Butterflies or some other sissy thing. I would, however, institute some new policies, not just for the NHL but for all sports: 1.) The Stanley Cup must be played every year, even if the owners and players don't want to. Also, every sport will have a Stanley Cup. 2.) No sports event will be allowed to continue past its scheduled broadcast timeslot to stomp on the first half of the "NewsRadio" rerun I'd rather see than the boring car race. This mandate will require all stadiums and racetracks to be rigged with explosives which will detonate the moment the allotted number of hours are up. 3.) Uniforms may not have any logos or names on them other than the team's and the player's. The sole exception will be that all the gay players will be permitted to wear pride-flag patches, but at gay sporting events (the Gay Games, doubles luge, figure skating) only the straight people will be allowed to wear little "I'M STRAIGHT" patches. 4.) The $200 "official" player jerseys sold in stores will actually be twice as nice as the $100 "authentic replica" player jerseys sold in the same stores. There will also be $20 "acceptable" ones. 5.) Anyone caught using steroids will be forced to drink a glass of durian milkshake with extra asafetida. 6.) No player will be paid more than the President Of North America. -- K. 7.) Golf is not a sport and will therefore never be on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 19:25:41 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > You only want to become President of North America so you can > > > pour more public money into the Senators. > > > > It's not public money, it's _Canadian_ money. > > It's Canadian _Tire_ money. Can't be. It's got a picture of a Scotsman on it, so it must be Scottish Tire money. Probably only redeemable for one liter of bagpipe juice. Canadian Tire money would have a Mountie riding a beaver hard, in a country where everyone would be too polite to point out the obvious double-entendre. Also it would be redeemable for a chewy little rubber tire that says "Tim Hortons" on it. -- K. Sandy McTire isn't half as sexy as the Michelin Man. Probably can't even speak Latin or solve crises by dismantling himself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Pope and the Silver Mallet Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 01:11:05 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > back in highschool, I and my friends composed a completely insane > parody of this song with pretty much random words. it was called > "Grizzly Bear's Living Torso". > > I remember "here comes grizzly bear/exploding in his underwear/falling > to the ground/watch out as his bodily parts fly by/oh my my" but not a > whole lot else. Dear Talysman Two-Space The Urb-Eatle, Just for you, I'll write the rest of the whole story. SPOT AND GRIZZLY BEAR'S LIVING TORSO by James "Kibo" Parry suggested by a song lyric vaguely remembered by somebody other than me "Waah!" cried Spot. "My pet grizzly bear exploded all over my apartment, in his underwear!" Spot peeled a piece of bear underwear off a sateen dinette chair and used an iced tea spoon to fish lumps of bear brain out of his bowl of peanut-not-brain M&Ms. But somehow, Grizzly Bear's torso yet lived! "Rrrr!" said the headless, mouthless torso silently as it slowly tipped over, crushing Spot's model train set. Spot threw a clear plastic tarp over the bloody torso so he wouldn't have to look at it while he tried to think of a better way to avoid looking at it. Under the tarp, the torso slowly suffocated and almost died, except that there was a pinhole leak that allowed the torso the tiny amount of air required to keep a severed bear torso alive in a dog's apartment. Spot forgot all about the part of the bear that was living in agony, and even forgot about the parts that were already dead permanently stuck to the middle of his original Picasso painting. After several weeks, Spot ordered a replacement pet from Amazon.com. The new bear arrived in a battered box with a swoosh printed on it. He was much smaller than Spot's old bear, and one of his eyes appeared to have been plucked out and replaced with a raincoat button. Plus he was hardly housebroken. Spot would have flushed him, but he was too big and still had most of his teeth, so Spot put him in his refrigerator and wrote "MAKESHIFT BEAR CAGE" on it with a Sharpie. Now Spot had one bear he though was dead but wasn't, and another bear that was just disappointingly defective. He decided the easiest solution was just to move out. But he couldn't because he wasn't smart enough to open a door. Poor Spot! THE END -- K. If this story wins a Pulitzer Prize, I will eat a pound of rusty nails to show my amazement. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Pope and the Silver Mallet Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 21:28:21 -0400 [warning: this gets off on a rant about my philosophies of drawing curves when it's supposed to be talking about bleeding.] Nicholas O. Lindan (see@sig.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If this story wins a Pulitzer Prize, I will eat a pound > > of rusty nails to show my amazement. > > I am sure the Pulitzer committee would agree to that. I was kidding. I'll only eat fifteen ounces of rusty nails. Eating a full pound would be stupid. I know two people who shove long nails up their nose as party entertainment. No way would I try that. Especially because one of the two people has a habit of bleeding all over the nail when he takes it out. But that news story about body-suspension today made me think some more about getting a nice piercing. I've wanted one for quite a while, but the only place I've ever wanted one was a septum (nose) ring, and the reason I've never gotten one is that septum piercings present huge practical problems. (Septums heal very slowly, so it's months before you can take the ring out to switch to the "keeper" for situations where you can't wear the ring. You have to sleep on your back all that time, which isn't my preferred position. And most importantly, there's a non-negligible risk of a brain infection.) But reading up on how the suspensions are done (a simple freehand "play piercing" makes the hole, then a marine stainless steel fishhook is inserted) reminded me how much I wanted that nose ring. Then I wrote this article and stopped wanting one again by the time I got to "brain infection". I'll stick to my clip-ons. I'll still mulling over buying a tattoo machine to work on myself. I don't have any tattoos currently. As a guy who's worked as a really fastidious professional designer and letterer, I don't think I'd be happy with anyone else's lines on my body no matter how carefully they followed my art. I'd always know that the curves would show evidence of someone else's natural hand motions and not mine, I'd prefer to have my designs executed with my own mannerisms even if they're not as skillful as what a professional tattooist would produce. I would see the difference in the "brushstrokes" even though nobody else would. In something like this where you're drawing with a vibrating needle, every millisecond's tiny decisions about which way to move to make a smooth curve become visible (permanently!), it's a situation where the flaws (subtle bulges or flat spots) would be more visible to me than they would be in, say, writing with a bullet-nosed felt-tip pen. Tattooing isn't gestural, it's one of those arts where you do your best to get everything to go right where you want it but the spots never come out exactly where they'd make the smoothest curve so part of the technique is in distributing the overshoots and undershoots so that the too-flat regions and the too-round regions help each other instead of clashing, and that pattern of trying to get the unavoidable imperfections to cooperate with each other is unique to each artist. (I call this process "teasing out a curve" -- when drawing lettering that needs to be reproduced as cleanly as possible, I draw the outline a tiny fraction of an inch inside where I want it, and then with the tiniest tech pen I gradually push droplets of ink towards the invisible margin of where I want things to be. Tattooing is similar in that it also involves this constant battle between "if I don't put anything here, the curve will have a flat spot" and "if I do put more ink here, the curve will bulge" because the tattoo needle and the human skin are not conducive to the microscopically precise work I strive for.) Since I do occasionally write on grains of rice to show off, you can imagine what it would be like for me to go through life with someone _else's_ little accidental wiggles permanently etched on my arm. I'd rather it be my best work than someone else's significantly better work because in either case flaws would be visible to someone as micro-feature-obsessed as me, given that the resolution of even the best tattoo line-art on skin isn't past my perceptual threshold. I wouldn't object to owning my flaws, unskilled though they may be, but if a tattoo had someone else's flaws it would never feel like a part of me. Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical "tribal" stuff -- it seems like I could learn to do this style of tattooing (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would be beyond my capabilities.) But still this is the sort of idea that I should leave on the back burner for a few years to give me time to come to my senses and realize what a crazy idea it is, especially since I can't afford to start buying tattoo equipment just for myself. (A basic tattoo gun with needles and ink, plus other necessary supplies, is about $300. That's not much more than the cost of a good tattoo parlor, but it's still money that could be more wisely spent on socks or something.) Tell you what, get me that Pulitzer and I'll spend the cash part of the award on buying some books with titles like "Why Tattooing Or Piercing Yourself Is A Crazy Idea" assuming I survive once I eat those rusty nails _you_ have been insisting I eat. We agreed on fourteen ounces, right? -- K. Troy ounces, right? And if you do want your name written on a grain of rice, my rates are very reasonable (I charge by the letter.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 13:22:07 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) a 残rit: > > > > Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of > > solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical > > "tribal" stuff -- > > Like a hockey puck. Or a crazy-looking mascot shaped like a hockey puck. I meant "simpler" in the "less complicated to draw" sense, not the "stupider" sense. One of the subtleties of English is that almost every adjective can also be used to mean "stupid". That's why French sucks, because it's too elegant for everyday use. French doesn't even have a word for "durhey"! > > it seems like I could learn to do this style of tattooing > > (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would > > be beyond my capabilities.) > > You could learn to do this style of tattoing? How does one learn to tattoo? Most pros learned through apprenticeship, and of course they practice on their own bodies as well as on this rubber stuff that's supposed to offer similar resistance to skin. For people who want to learn on their own, there are plenty of books and videos. (I imagine a lot of those books and videos get sold to inmates.) More interesting is the problem of learning to be a piercer. No matter how much you practiced on yourself, you'd still keep running into situations where you had to pierce something you'd never pierced before. Especially if you're not a hermaphrodite. Visiting a new piercer would be scary. "Okay, take your panties off. I've never pierced a clitoris before, but I'm sure it won't hurt any more than when I did my own earlobe! Just relax, I gotta look up something in the encyclopedia... where's that 'C' volume?" > I get it. This whole article was an attempt at recruiting guinea pigs! > (I take a step backwards. Anyone who doesn't take a step backwards or who > actually takes a step forward becomes a guinea pig.) Uh-uh. No way would I make you bleed without having a license to do that. Can you imagine the liability issues? I wouldn't bleed you if you _paid_ me. So you'll just have to settle for an Indian rope burn, though I haven't yet figured out how to make one shaped like a skull. > > I can't afford to start buying tattoo equipment just for myself. > > But it would make sense if it was for yourself and the guinea pigs. If you think tattooing is about making sense, you have greatly misunderstood the fundamentally transcendental nature of ripping up your skin and spattering blood all over and all that other fun stuff. If you can explain why you want to do something like that, something's wrong with you. It's only the people who admit that they're not making sense who are the smart ones. Logic is a little bird sitting in a tree. > P.S. Please, not everyone take two steps backwards. The needle is behind you. -- K. Anyway, I'm filing the whole issue of self-tattooing under "someday when I can afford the supplies and the inevitable emergency-room visit afterwards." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:50:37 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > My sister has a single dot tattoo from when she had a pencil stabbed into > her hand and the lead snapped off. Oh, is _that_ what she think the Australian-Parliament-mandated mind-control implant really is. > My uncle also has a single blue dot on his chest from a tattoo gun that > cost him $2 as it hurt too much when the tattooist started (he was drunk.) Wow, your family must be even bigger wimps when they're sober. > I wouldn't recommend getting a prison tattoo unless it was KING KONG and > your had no ears. Buh? And what do the original "Star Trek" Andorians have to do with this? And how come they never did an episode where they explained how they had ears in Archer's time but not in Kirk's time? Now we'll never know, given that "Star Trek" has been cancelled forever and will never be revived another fifteen times. -- K. I want a tattoo that says "I Cancelled 'Star Trek'." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 02:24:07 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > My uncle also has a single blue dot on his chest from a tattoo gun > > > that cost him $2 as it hurt too much when the tattooist started (he > > > was drunk.) > > > > Wow, your family must be even bigger wimps when they're sober. > > Nuh-uh. > > My sister is currently working at a miner's camp in Western Australia and > dropped a 20kg weight on her toe (it won't stop her from drinking > though.) I was in a camp once... WHEN I WAS TEN. > My parents rode in a bike relay 500km last weekend. Ooooooh, a reeeeeeelay. The type of race for people who like races but only want to be in a tiny bit of one so that no one person gets the blame when the team loses. > My brother once rode his dirt bike into a barb wire fence and refused to > go to the doctor afterwards. Why, did he prefer to go to the doctor _before_ trying to ram the barbed wire with his face? Anyway, I note that you didn't even try to prove that _everyone_ in your family is no wimp, you wimp. > > > I wouldn't recommend getting a prison tattoo unless it was KING KONG > > > and your had no ears. > > > > Buh? > > Chopper aka Mark Brandon Read > http://www.chopperread.com/ > > Thanks. Tim? Complete, coherent sentences are better than URLs if you're not Don Saklad. My WHAT has no ears? <-- even Charles Nelson Reilly could come up with an answer before the music ends. I stopped visiting the URLs you mentioned after one of them had a picture of someone with the red hankie in the DOUBLE EWWWWW pocket instead of the REGULAR EWWWWW pocket. Fanks! -- K. I don't remember the part of the movie where King Kong became a tattooist. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: tattoos (was: The Pope and the Silver Mallet) Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 12:16:07 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Since the only designs I've ever considered involve large areas of > > solid black -- stuff even simpler and more geometric than the typical > > "tribal" stuff -- it seems like I could learn to do this style of > > tattooing (whereas doing something involving fine color shading would > > be beyond my capabilities.) > > Tell you what: compromise, here. Try some -very very small- areas of solid > black - a micro-tattoo - and see how that works out for you. The advantage > here? If you mess up, you can cover it over with a slightly larger solid > black geometric figure! Well, duh. Of course I would start small and then overlay larger areas of color once I'm more sure of my quality of line. There's only so much you can learn from practicing on the rubber practice skin they sell -- it doesn't have the same "grain" as skin, you have to get a sense of how deep to push the needle and how much time to spend on each area. Tattooing is really not something you want done by an amateur, even if it's yourself. But one advantage of working in solid black is that either I or a professional could always go back and blot out the black stuff with larger black stuff. And no, I wasn't planning on having any on my back, unless I someday wake up Japanese enough to join the Yakuza. I was just thinking of doing my arms and legs, since the rest of me is already perfect. > Dave "leave coded micromessages for yourself 20 years from now" DeLaney That's called alt.religion.kibology. -- K. And as the last surviving Club 91 member, you may win a huge payout if you guys were smart enough to form a tontine in 1991. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 11:40:37 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > I do this for Luke when he's having trouble getting up > > on the sofa. > > Dogs do not belong on sofas, you dog-abusing thug! Anything belongs on a sofa. In my view, the perfect house would have no furniture except for dozens of sofas. They make great bookshelves. Make that dozens of sofas, and one toilet. > I busted my dog twice in one day for getting up on the sofa, when he > kept forgetting that I was home. Why not get your dog his own sofa? Dogs like it when they have a piece of People Furniture that only they are allowed to sit on. Then it gets easier to keep them off everything else. It's very hard to forbid your pet from being on _all_ the furniture. You can't just reserve them a little doggie bed on the floor, you have to give them their own People Furniture. And none of that Herman Miller crap. -- K. Don't call dogslobburus or whatever her name is a thug. "Thug", "goon", and "enforcer" all have clearly-defined legal definitions, and she probably doesn't dress anything like me. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 14:21:07 -0400 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Anything belongs on a sofa. In my view, the perfect house > > would have no furniture except for dozens of sofas. > > You are just doing this to be cruel to Seth Goldin, I can tell. It would hardly be worth my time to do something _just_ to be cruel to Seth Goldin. If you ever think I'm doing that, then you're missing out on all the clues to my master plan in which being slightly mean in a jokey manner to some guy I've never met on some newsgroup nobody asked for will inexorably lead to me becoming President Of North America And America's Moon. And I'll get to wear a crown containing all the candy in the world, too. (Little birdies tied to strings will hold it up so it won't crush my skull.) > I think all furniture should be tables. That's what David Siegel said. -- K. And it broke the Web. THE WEB WAS PERFECT BEFORE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:01:05 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It would hardly be worth my time to do something _just_ to be cruel > > to Seth Goldin. [...] > > Let's clarify some things. Exactly what type of furniture am I? The > last detail I remember was something about being an Ottoman. Real furniture doesn't ask silly questions or remember anything. So, the type of furniture you are is: Not very good furniture. Now, Serdar Argic, he was an Ottoman. The version of Captain Kirk who had the mullet, he was an Ottoman. And Desi Arnaz Jr.'s idea of the perfect man, he was an Ottoman whenever the closed-captioning keyboardist misheard the dialogue. But I haven't counted the number of instances of that. Someone should go do it. -- K. Yes, I do assume everyone in my audience has seen the 1973 Turkish knockoff of "Star Trek". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I saw the headline, so of course I had to read this. Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 14:05:13 -0400 [story.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Whatever You Do, Don't Read This... -> -> By Ellen Wulfhorst -> -> PROVIDENCE, R.I. (Reuters) -- Tony Troiano grimaced as he was -> lifted off the floor by giant fishhooks pierced through the skin -> on his shoulders. -> -> Within minutes, he started to spin, swing his feet and declare -> the painful experience "the greatest thing" ever. Nuh-uh. Doing that while eating bacon, that would be the greatest thing ever. Wait, doing that while eating bacon and playing pinball. YEAH!!! -> "I was on Cloud Nine," the Wethersfield, Connecticut teenager -> said as he joined fellow body suspension practitioners at an -> annual convention over the weekend. "It was euphoric. It was -> spiritual. I'd do it again today if I wasn't so sore." -> -> From tentative first-timers to the well practiced, more than a -> hundred aficionados celebrated their passion for body suspension -> at the three-day gathering, held in an old textile mill in -> Providence, Rhode Island. What? There was a fish-hook-suspension workshop in Providence this weekend and I missed it? Oh poo. WHY DIDN'T THE NICE NEWSPAPER TELL ME IN ADVANCE? Cancel my subscription to the Web site that's bringing me this news for free. -> To hang cost $100; just to watch cost $15 at what many say is the -> best such gathering for the hundreds, if not thousands, of people -> they estimate practice suspension across America. I think "Suspension Across America" could be as big as "Hands Across America" was, though the latter did have huge gaps in the Midwest that would be hard to stretch someone's arms across even if we pulled really hard on the hooks. And if we did it everywhere, people would be unable to avoid watching, and every time someone accidentally looked, we'd get $15! -> "Ever stand up too fast and feel like you're about to pass out?" -> said Dave Post, of Albany, New York explaining why he liked -> hanging from hooks. "It's like you're stuck at that point." Yes, that's how I feel all the time, but what would it feel like if I were suspended? -> The practice requires three-inch (7.6-cm) steel deep sea fishing -> hooks freshly inserted under the skin for each suspension. -> -> A basic "suicide" hang uses hooks in the back, a chest suspension -> requires hooks in front, a knee suspension puts the body upside -> down, and the "Superman" pose requires hooks along the back and -> upper thighs. The hooks are attached to ropes, and pulleys slowly -> lift the body off the floor. -> -> Some people spin like acrobats, some play like children on a -> swing and others hang solemnly. Some giggle, some cry. I can't say what noises I would make. Well, actually, I could say, but nobody would understand because it would all be stuff like "eeeyabbagawalaeegaaabalawagaaaawubbawabbagabbayaddagagaaaaaa!" -> "Some people have a spiritual experience, some people just have -> fun and some people don't like it and come right down," said Mike -> Giossi, a local mechanic and fan of the practice. What? Some people don't like it? That's just wrong. Those people are missing the part of their brain that tells the rest of us, "Hey, you paid $100 for this, so of _course_ you must be having fun now." -> Jess Robins, a student from Canada, hung almost motionless from -> hooks inserted through the tops of her breasts. Blood poured down -> her belly, and her legs trembled. -> -> Nearby, two men played a game of tug-of-war, pulling at each -> other with wire cables attached through their elbows. -> -> "When I first got off the ground, I never felt pain like that in -> my life. But afterward, I was just filled with empowerment," said -> Giossi. "I've never been happier than when I came down." As I always say to bad authors, "The part I liked best was THE END!!!" -> SEARCH FOR INTENSITY? -> -> Practitioners may seek the power and intensity suspension offers, -> said Karen Conterio, co-author of "Bodily Harm," a book about -> self-mutilation. Suspension also could be a rite of passage. -> -> "It's a conquest of some sort. People are pushing the envelope -> more and more to attain some kind of separation and -> identification from society, and this is one way of doing it," -> she said. "Most people who probably are pretty healthy are not -> going to go to that extreme." Dude, if everyone did it, it _wouldn't_ be "extreme". Shut your normal-hole. "Extreme" isn't the same as "unhealthy", because if it was it would be redundant to say "Drinking blue Gatorade is extremely unhealthy". -> Many practitioners say suspension is somehow therapeutic. Even the Russians know that! You are not telling me the news -- don't hang noodles from my ears.* * (old idiomatic Russian expression which means "DURHEY NO SHIT SHERLOCK", except with a more pleasing image involving human noodle-draping instead of Sherlock Holmes sitting on the toilet.) -> "Look at his face. He's so serene," said Rosemary Curtis, -> watching her boyfriend swing slowly in the "Superman" pose. -> "We've had some really rough times this year, and he needed this -> really bad." I need it really bad too! I mean I need it really good too! I mean I need either! Or both! Or neither! DON'T JUST SIT THERE, DO SOMETHING! -> Not everyone was convinced. Colin Vanalstine watched but was not -> about to try it. "I'm afraid of needles," he said. -> -> For such an off-beat practice, the convention is remarkably -> well-run, with sanitary precautions, surgical tools and almost -> military efficiency in preparing people for their suspension. You made your sale already. You had me way back at "extreme". I'm going to take up a collection next year to send me to Providence. -> Some hang for a few minutes, others for an hour or more. -> -> The biggest danger is cross-contamination, organizers said, due -> to so much open flesh and blood. Other dangers involve people -> passing out or suffering seizures, they said. My main concern would be the scarring. Or rather, it would be if I didn't already have a bunch of little scar-dots on my back from old acne. Okay, forget the concern about scarring. I'm hereby declaring that scars are cool as long as they're on me, whether or not they're from old acne. -> "The first couple of times, I didn't enjoy it," said Canadian -> Warren Hiller. "The first time I blacked out, and one time I was -> convulsing. But the third time I got better. I wasn't blacking -> out anymore." "Also, when I woke up, my pillow was..." -- sorry, I got nothin'. -> It's not masochism, said Allen Falkner of Dallas, who has -> practiced suspension for 13 years. He then put on his "Masochist" T-shirt and some Just For Masochists brand aftershave and drove off in his MasochistMobile while yelling "I AM NOT A MASOCHIST!" Then he went to Burger King and ate a hamburger while yelling "I AM NOT EATING A HAMBURGER! AND I AM NOT IN BURGER KING! AND I AM NOT YELLING!" There is nothing wrong with masochism. However, people who do it but can't _say_ it are horribly maladjusted. C'mon, be proud of it! You're telling a newspaper reporter that you like having hooks in your tender flesh but you can't bring yourself to use a _word_, you baby! If you're not a masochist, you're at the wrong convention. You should go over to the Ow That Hurts Please Stop That I Don't Like Pain Because It's All Ouchy And I Don't Want Ouchies Therefore I Am Not A Masochist convention. (Tell Lots42 I said hi.) The Please Stick Fish Hooks In Me And Twirl Me Around Your Head Until I Enter An Altered State Of Consciousness From Unbearable Pain Which Is So Fucking Awesome convention is for masochists only. Well, not just masochists, they also admit lame reporters who use headlines like "Don't Read This" instead of "Wow Cool". -> "Suspension is not about pain, it's about getting past the pain." That, I agree with. Masochists aren't people who enjoy pain in and of itself -- if they were, they'd all just stay home and cut themselves with razor blades while watching TV. It's about the aftereffects of the pain, and it's about the way these experiences affect your relationship with the people you're with when you go through with them, and most importantly, it's about recapturing that joy you had playing "Don't Touch The Floor" as a five-year-old. (Though technically your _blood_ is allowed to touch the floor if you play with the grown-up rules.) -> Advocates say suspension has been practiced since ancient times -> in many societies. Yes, but 2000 years ago it wasn't consensual. The Romans' kink was not okay, no matter what Gore Vidal tells you. Unless someday archaeologists dig up a release form Jesus signed before he paid $100 to be nailed to that jungle gym. -> "It's searching for answers, trying new things," Hiller said. -> "You can only get pierced and tattooed so many times." Not true. You can do it all over again after you get skin grafts. -- K. It's easiest if you get disposable skin grafts that attach with Velcro. It's as simple as "pierce, rip, and flush!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a great new papal name... FOR ME TO POPE ON! Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 18:40:08 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > "Pope Google I". I don't know, I think I'd rather vote for Pope TV. He'd love me 24 hours a day, personally beaming his light of truth and wackiness into my living room. (Provided I moved the TV set into the living room, which would be stupid because I never go into the living room.) But bear in mind the first Pope TV would be Pope TV 2 because the FCC ruled that there would never be a Pope TV 1 because there was too much interference in that part of the spectrum to transmit mind-control signals to the Pope's tinfoil zuchetto. I like saying "zuchetto". Zuchetto zuchetto zuchetto LOOK OUT, FLASH GORDON, THE ZUCHETTO IS BEHIND YOU! Other good ideas: Pope Fonzie, Pope Fred Flintstone, Pope Siegfried & Roy, Pope Beefaroni, Pope Plinko, Pope Inanimate Carbon Rod, Pope Satan. -- K. Poor Pope Spot! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Unbelievably cruel Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 00:06:09 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I was forced to watch 30 minutes of "The Price is Right" today, and > Plinko didn't even show up once. They have about fifty different "games" (commercials), so you have to watch a whole week to see anything as exciting as a guy dropping beer coasters into an acromegalitic Galton board. Plinko is still played, just not every day. You know how when the Range Finder game comes up, Bob Barker always emphasizes that once the contestant presses the dummy "STOP" button that makes the stagehand stop pushing the cardboard arrow upwards, they can't re-start it for fifty-nine point three hours or the Universe will collapse into a black hole? Well, if they were to have Plinko two days in a row, time would reverse, causing Bob Barker to age backwards, turning into a baby 120 years from now. > I do think I saw Bob Barker's brain deteriorate just a little more, > though. When did they decide to use his reanimated corpse to host the > show, instead of using someone who was alive? Brave decision, but I'm > sure it was cost-effective. When I watch it, he doesn't even seen animated, let alone reanimated. "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends" has more realistic "animation" than the wood-sided mummiform apple-head-bot they call Bob Barker. And to think that as a small child I learned everything I know about math from this educational show. Also, I learned that Volkswagen Beetles cost $3999. -- K. I really like "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends", but that show needs more Plinko too. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I would watch this made-for-TV movie... Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 00:23:38 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Late Night with Conan O'Brien > 1st April 2005 > > Of course, everyone's still talking about -- I mentioned it over there > -- now that was a great joke. The Michael Jackson trial. Everyone's > still talking -- it's a media circus. You know, everyone's talking about > this thing. As you can imagine, everyone's trying to Cash in on it now, > including NBC. NBC is not above cashing in on this thing. And I'm here > to tell you -- this has not been in the news, yet but I find out like 20 > minutes ago that NBC's already making a made-for-TV movie about the > Michael Jackson trial. And it's supposed to be hush-hush, but they just > finished the casting of this thing, and they don't want anyone to know > who's playing who, but I'm going to tell you right now, just because > it's a big scoop. > > They've Cast everybody. Check it out. I think they did a really great > job casting. They did an incredible job. For instance, judge Rodney > Melville, the judge in the case, is going to be played by Richard > dreyfuss. This is a big story, yeah. Sitcom star and trial witness > George Lopez will be played by Erik Estrada. Very happy about that. now, > this is great. Here's where it gets really good. > > [...goes on and on...] You're typing in transcripts of TV shows. You're typing in transcripts of Conan O'Brien's show. From last week. Where he talks about the wacky photos he's showing. Photos of Michael Jackson's lawyers. Photos, Tim. Conan, Tim. Michael Jackson, Tim. Unplug your TV and don't plug it back in until I say you can. Tim, you need to get professional help, a life, and an enema. The only way you could be putting less effort into getting your name at the top of a window on someone else's computer would be if you made one of those one-word "IFYPFY" followups. Those are nearly as lame as transcribing some guy describing wacky photos I can't see which I already saw last week. TIM, CALL THE BURNOUT HOTLINE *NOW*. -- K. Short shameful confession: Although I have seen every episode of Conan's show, and visited his studio, and gone on the wacky bluescreen desk ride with him, I freely admit that I find the pathetic, agonized face he makes whenever he runs or otherwise exerts himself to be funnier than any of his monologue jokes. His best "wimp in pain" grimace was in that classic "Not The Nine O'Clock News" parody of the size of the "Hill Street Blues" cast where he had to run past the camera while dressed as a cop, and they freeze- framed him so we could appreciate how this brief jog made him want to barf. That was in about 1983, so that episode will probably be on in Australia next week. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Crazy Taxi, and not the funny version with the Simpsons characters Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 13:50:16 -0400 [Reuters article from abc.net.au] -> -> Study spots psychopathic tendencies among bus, taxi drivers -> -> Anyone climbing aboard a bus or taxi in Peru should think twice -> because many drivers have psychopathic tendencies, a university -> study has found. You misspelled "Boston". -> About 40 per cent of the 640 taxi and bus drivers surveyed by -> Lima's San Marcos University suffered from psychological problems -> and showed psychopathic tendencies, such as aggressive, anxious -> and antisocial behaviour, the study said. You misspelled "100" and "10,000". -> "Drivers showed they would not feel any guilt in injuring or -> running over a pedestrian," the study added. You misspelled "pedestrian, especially Kibo". -> Peru's capital, Lima, is crowded with aging, pollution-pumping taxis -> and buses, many of which do not obey traffic rules or stop lights. You misspelled "Boston" and "many of which do not obey the laws of Man, God, and physics." -> Hundreds of people die each year in bus and taxi crashes in Peru -> because of bad roads, poorly maintained vehicles and recklessness -> by drivers. You misspelled "Boston" and forgot to add "and invisible green fires only the drivers can see." -> In just the final three months of last year, at least 85 people were -> killed in crashes, according to police figures. Prosecution is rare. You misspelled "Prostitution" and forgot to add "ly cheap". -- K. Remember, folks, I must be sane because I don't even own a car. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Brain zappery in the news Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 14:15:14 -0400 [news.com.au] -> -> Sony patents 'real life Matrix' -> -> From correspondents in Paris -> April 07, 2005 -> From: Agence France-Presse YAY! It's an article from the French Stupid News Agency! That means this is going to be good, or at least about Dracula Land! -> THE Japanese entertainment giant Sony has patented an idea for -> transmitting data directly into the brain, with the goal of -> enabling a person to see movies and play video games in which they -> smell, taste and perhaps even feel things, it was reported today. Oh, yeah. I saw the first commercial for Sony's new "Digital Direct Drive". It was pretty long, though, it filled a whole DVD. Directed by some sicko named Shozin Fukui. Seems that the main effect of Sony's "DDD" technology is to produce gallons of blood which is all black to exactly match your latex suit. -> The patent -- based only on a theory, not on any invention -- Oh yeah, well, I give myself until Plutonium Day to patent the theory that I like coconut because I have an atom of hydrogen somewhere in my brain. Also, I invented Dracula Land. -> marks the first step towards a "real-life Matrix", New Scientist -> says in next Saturday's issue. "Real-life 'Matrix'"? Yawn. Wake me when they invent "'Matrix' without plot holes you could drive a truck through, and especially without two really bad sequels." Also, in the new version, Jet Li should be the One. And blood should be red, not black. -> In the sci-fi film of that name, cyber-reality is projected into -> the brains of people via an electrode feed at the back of their necks. -> -> In Sony's patent, the technique would be entirely non-invasive -- it -> would not use brain implants or other surgery to manipulate the brain. Wow. Finally the people of the world will be able to watch TV without needing brain surgery before every episode. (And after every episode, in the case of Fox shows.) -> The patent has few details, describing only a device that would -> fire pulses of ultrasound at the head to modify the firing -> patterns of neurons in targeted parts of the brain. -> -> The aim, it says, is to create "sensory experiences" ranging from -> moving images to tastes and sounds. -> -> New Scientist said it was denied an interview with the inventor, -> who is based at a Sony office in San Diego, California. -> -> Sony Electronics spokeswoman Elizabeth Boukis said the work was a -> "prophetic invention" and no experiments at all had been done on it. I call dibs on the right to theoretically patent the phrase "Now that's a prophetic invention!" whenever anyone says something completely made-up. -> "It was based on an inspiration that this may someday be the -> direction that technology will take us," she told New Scientist. -> -> Independent experts said they did not dismiss the idea out of -> hand, although they also cautioned about the proposed method's -> long-term safety. -> -> So far, the only non-invasive way for manipulating the brain is crude. -> -> A technique called transcranial magnetic stimulation uses magnetic -> fields to induce currents in brain tissue, thus stimulating brain cells. Um, that's not the only way. Unless beer goggles are caused by giant magnets hidden somewhere in the Schlitz can. -> But magnetic fields cannot be finely focused on small groups of -> brain cells, whereas ultrasound pulses could be. That's why every time you hear a bat squeaking, it makes you see the entire movie of "The Matrix" for free. Because ultrasound is magic. Regular sound is for losers! -- K. "Digital Direct Drive" is a sufficiently alliterative name. But I think a better one would be "Brain-Blowing Bomb Beam Blaster". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: An oldie but a goodie returns: Cashiers still confused by $2 bills Date: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 15:39:14 -0400 Remember Captain Sarcastic's 1993 true story of the time a Taco Bell cashier's mind was blown by seeing a $2 bill at the mall? Here's a new incident, this time with major media coverage! [www.baltimoresun.com] -> -> A tale of customer service, justice and currency as funny as a $2 bill -> -> Michael Olesker -> March 8, 2005 -> -> PUT YOURSELF in Mike Bolesta's place. On the morning of Feb. 20, -> he buys a new radio-CD player for his 17-year-old son Christopher's -> car. He pays the $114 installation charge with 57 crisp new $2 bills, -> which, when last observed, were still considered legitimate currency -> in the United States proper. The $2 bills are Bolesta's idea of -> payment, and his little comic protest, too. "Crisp new $2 bills"? Interesting, I didn't know they'd printed another run of them. But I checked a US Treasury Web site and they did indeed print a batch of them in 2004 (the first ones since 1997.) That means I'm gonna have to get me some. And some Kennedy half-dollars. And some of those damn Sacagaweas. And then find something that costs exactly $3.50 just so I can flummox cash-register jockeys. -> For this, Bolesta, Baltimore County resident, innocent citizen, -> owner of Capital City Student Tours, finds himself under arrest. -> -> Finds himself, in front of a store full of customers at the Best Buy -> on York Road in Lutherville, locked into handcuffs and leg irons. Best Buy has leg irons now? What department are they in? I've never been able to find them, and I've looked everywhere. -> Finds himself transported to the Baltimore County lockup in -> Cockeysville, where he's handcuffed to a pole for three hours -> while the U.S. Secret Service is called into the case. -> -> Have a nice day, Mike. This reporter is a bigot because he only wished Mike a nice day, and not the guy he was cuffed to! The one from Warsaw! -> "Humiliating," the 57-year old Bolesta was saying now. "I am 6 -> feet 5 inches tall, and I felt like 8 inches high. To be -> handcuffed, to have all those people looking on, to be cuffed to a -> pole -- and to know you haven't done anything wrong. And me, with -> a brother, Joe, who spent 33 years on the city police force. It -> was humiliating." -> -> What we have here, besides humiliation, is a sense of caution -> resulting in screw-ups all around. "Screw-up" or "kinky pole dance"? YOU BE THE JUDGE! Just hide some two-dollar bills under your judicial robe so you can tuck 'em into his G-string. -> "When I bought the stereo player," Bolesta explains, "the -> technician said it'd fit perfectly into my son's dashboard. But it -> didn't. So they called back and said they had another model that -> would fit perfectly, and it was cheaper. We got a $67 refund, -> which was fine. As long as it fit, that's all. -> -> "So we go back and pay for it, and they tell us to go around front -> with our receipt and pick up the difference in the cost. I ask -> about installation charges. They said, 'No installation charge, -> because of the mix-up. Our mistake, no charge.' Swell. -> -> "But then, the next day, I get a call at home. They're telling me, -> 'If you don't come in and pay the installation fee, we're calling -> the police.' Jeez, where did we go from them admitting a mistake -> to suddenly calling the police? So I say, 'Fine, I'll be in -> tomorrow.' But, overnight, I'm starting to steam a little. It's -> not the money -- it's the threat. So I thought, I'll count out a -> few $2 bills." -> -> He has lots and lots of them. Big deal. I've got lots and lots of $1 bills and a stapler so I can make my own $2 bills or even $3 bills or $4 bills. (The $2 and $4 bills are the heterosexual ones, because all odd numbers are inherently gay.) -> With his Capital City Student Tours, he arranges class trips for -> school kids around the country traveling to large East Coast -> cities, including Baltimore. He's been doing this for the last 18 -> years. He makes all the arrangements: hotels, meals, -> entertainment. And it's part of his schtick that, when Bolesta -> hands out meal money to students, he does it in $2 bills, which he -> picks up from his regular bank, Sun Trust. -> -> "The kids don't see that many $2 bills, so they think this is the -> greatest thing in the world," Bolesta says. "They don't want to -> spend 'em. They want to save 'em. Now that's great. And it also has the benefit that when the bus stops at Taco Bell, he can watch all the students get arrested! He should give the good students $1 bills and the bad students the $2 bills. That way on each field trip only some of the students would come back. It would be like a kindler, gentler version of Fukasaku's "Battle Royale". (It would have a bunch of American bathroom jokes dubbed over all of Takeshi Kitano's dialogue.) -> I've been doing this since I started the company. So I'm thinking, -> 'I'll stage my little comic protest. I'll pay the $114 with $2 bills.'" -> -> At Best Buy, they may have perceived the protest -- but did not -> sense the comic aspect of 57 $2 bills. -> -> "I'm just here to pay the bill," Bolesta says he told a cashier. -> "She looked at the $2 bills and told me, 'I don't have to take -> these if I don't want to.' I said, 'If you don't, I'm leaving. -> I've tried to pay my bill twice. You don't want these bills, you -> can sue me.' So she took the money. Like she's doing me a favor." -> -> He remembers the cashier marking each bill with a pen. Then other -> store personnel began to gather, a few of them asking, "Are these -> real?" -> -> "Of course they are," Bolesta said. "They're legal tender." That's why they won't take them at Taco Bell, because their artificial steak tacos aren't legally tender. -> A Best Buy manager refused comment last week. But, according to a -> Baltimore County police arrest report, suspicions were roused when -> an employee noticed some smearing of ink. So the cops were called -> in. One officer noticed the bills ran in sequential order. Yep, a sure sign of counterfeiting. Real money has the same serial number on every bill. The government would never be so careless as to print bills with different numbers, let alone in order! -> "I told them, 'I'm a tour operator. I've got thousands of these -> bills. I get them from my bank. You got a problem, call the -> bank,'" Bolesta says. "I'm sitting there in a chair. The store's -> full of people watching this. All of a sudden, he's standing me up -> and handcuffing me behind my back, telling me, 'We have to do this -> until we get it straightened out.' -> -> "Meanwhile, everybody's looking at me. I've lived here 18 years. I'm -> hoping my kids don't walk in and see this. And I'm saying, 'I can't -> believe you're doing this. I'm paying with legal American money.'" -> -> Bolesta was then taken to the county police lockup in Cockeysville, AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF APPROPRIATELY WACKY HICK-TOWN NAMES!!! OH, LOOK! THE BEARS ARE CELEBRATING THE CONCEPT OF COCKEYSVILLE! THEY'RE DANCING AND SINGING AND LIGHTING THEIR CIGARS WITH $2 BILLS! -> where he sat handcuffed to a pole and in leg irons while the -> Secret Service was called in. -> -> "At this point," he says, "I'm a mass murderer." SO HE ADMITS IT!!! -> Finally, Secret Service agent Leigh Turner arrived, examined the -> bills and said they were legitimate, adding, according to the -> police report, "Sometimes ink on money can smear." -> -> This will be important news to all concerned. Yesterday I was cooking someone a special curry and I needed snow pea pods and, because we were limited to shopping in downtown Boston, the market didn't have any "fresh" produce that wasn't icky and rotting, and the only frozen snow pea pods I could find were in a Birdseye bag of 70% cauliflower, 25% carrots, and 5% pea pods, so I bought one of those bags just to pick out the pea pods which were required, and I washed my hands, and then I ripped the bag open and my hands became navy blue because the ink on the bag smeared, so then I had to wash my hands again. My question is, how come nobody got arrested? Either Clarence Birdseye should have been busted for using smeary ink, or I should have been jailed for separating mixed vegetables. -> For Baltimore County police, said spokesman Bill Toohey, "It's a -> sign that we're all a little nervous in the post-9/11 world." It's an Al-Qaeda plot! If they sneak enough $2 bills into Best Buy stores, the stores will have to shut down when all the employees get ink poisoning from the special smeary $2 bill ink, and then Americans will no longer be able to get DVDs of "Baby Geniuses", thus destroying the "Baby Geniuses"-related sector of the American economy! -> The other day, one of Bolesta's sons needed a few bucks. Bolesta -> pulled out his wallet and "whipped out a couple of $2 bills. But -> my son turned away. He said he doesn't want 'em any more." -> -> He's seen where such money can lead. My strategy with $2 bills is that if people won't take them, the best approach is to say, "Oh, those are just $20 bills where the zeroes fell off. See, when they glue the numbers on, they put a little dot of glue in the center of the number, but they forget zeroes have holes in the middle, which is why this bill is worth $20, I demand you give me an $18 bill as change. You can make one by stapling a negative $2 bill to one of the real $20 bills in your register. Here's the negative $2 bill you