From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bang, bang, your house is dead Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 01:54:00 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > "TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] The episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" where Riker > > > turns into a caveman [...] > > > > Stargate SG1 and Michael, Jack and assorted other characters on > > the show devolve into sub-human semi-primates due to some alien > > allergen. Or something. All they needed there was a huge dose > > of an anti-histamine. Oh shazbot, I forgot we Orkans are all histamine! MINDYMINDYMINDYMindymindymindy... (Mork shrinks down to a dot and then has a tedious adventure.) > In the most "ouchy" scene of the movie "Save the Green Planet!" > some nut kidnaps a CEO of a major company and peels then skin off the top > of his feet and sprays anti-histamine on it to check if he is an alien. Oh, come on, that's not the most ouchy scene... unless you're saying you don't mind giant rectal probes. Plus it was a Korean rectal probe, which means it probably involves eating a lot of kimchi beforehand to properly inflate your colon. Sicko. So, did seeing Tadanobu Asano in "Electric Dragon 80,000V" make you wish you could shoot lightning bolts out of your fingers? Me, I draw the line at 50,000V. More would be impractical. -- K. It's amazing how hard it is to wash the smell of ozone out of your hair. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Rescue at Allsorts Manor Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:01:05 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It would hardly be worth my time to do something _just_ to be cruel > > to Seth Goldin. [...] > > Let's clarify some things. Exactly what type of furniture am I? The > last detail I remember was something about being an Ottoman. Real furniture doesn't ask silly questions or remember anything. So, the type of furniture you are is: Not very good furniture. Now, Serdar Argic, he was an Ottoman. The version of Captain Kirk who had the mullet, he was an Ottoman. And Desi Arnaz Jr.'s idea of the perfect man, he was an Ottoman whenever the closed-captioning keyboardist misheard the dialogue. But I haven't counted the number of instances of that. Someone should go do it. -- K. Yes, I do assume everyone in my audience has seen the 1973 Turkish knockoff of "Star Trek". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:13:41 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > > > What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? > > A drummer. > > Let's see. > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Hey, tell me a musician joke, > robot. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a double bass sound > in tune?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Chop it up and make it into a > xylophone." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: Tell me another musician joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "How do you make a french horn sound > like a trombone?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Take your hand out of the bell and > play without any semblance of taste." > > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: That's not a very good musician > joke. > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's the difference between a > saxophone and a lawn mower?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "The neighbors are upset if you > borrow a lawnmower and don't return it." But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has ever even tried to like. I mean, the previous President of the United States played the saxophone. That made it as uncool as a harmonica already was. And bagpipes, those are just a way for Scotsmen to use up the extra tartan fabric they saved by making skirts instead of pants. > jwgh [to giant killer commie robot]: OK, do you know any good MATH > jokes? > > The giant killer commie robot says, "What's an anagram for > Banach-Tarski?" > > The giant killer commie robot says, "Banach-Tarski-Banach-Tarski." Wait, Twiki wasn't a giant or a killer, even though he did once travel back in time to give Stalin lessons on how to do "The Bump". Your robot was so funny that I laughed negative Graham's Number times. Hey, how unfunny would Negative Graham's Number be? Well, that depends on how fat Graham's Number is. Let me just paste in an explanation I wrote last month but had been saving for when someone started talking about math nerdities: [forgodot.new21.org] -> -> Graham's Number -> -> The smallest dimension n of a hypercube such that if the lines -> joining all pairs of corners are two-colored, a planar complete -> graph K(4) of one color will be forced. Stated colloquially, this -> is equivalent to considering every possible committee from some -> number of people n and enumerating every pair of committees. Now -> assign each pair of committees to one of two groups, and find the -> smallest n that will guarantee that there are four committees in -> which all pairs fall in the same group and all the people belong -> to an even number of committees (Hoffman 1998, p. 54). [www.absoluteastronomy.com] => => Graham's number is connected to the following problem in the => branch of mathematics known as Ramsey theory: => => Consider an n-dimensional hypercube, and connect each pair of => vertices to obtain a complete graph on vertices. Then colour each => of the edges of this graph using only the colours red and black. => What is the smallest value of n for which every possible such => colouring must necessarily contain a single-coloured complete => sub-graph with 4 vertices that lies in a plane? => => Although the solution to this problem is not yet known, Graham's => number is the smallest known upper bound. => => In his 1989 book 'Penrose Tiles to Trapdoor Ciphers' (ISBN => 0883855216), Martin Gardner wrote "Ramsey-theory experts believe => the actual Ramsey number for this problem is probably 6," making => Graham's number perhaps the worst smallest-upper-bound ever => discovered. More recently, Geoff Exoo of Indiana State University => has shown (in 2003) that it must be at least 11 and provided => evidence that it is larger. Graham's number is also called g(64), where in Donald Knuth's notation, g(1) = 3^^^^3 (imagine those are little up-arrows) and g(n) = 3^^^^^^^^^^^^^^...g(n-1) up-arrows...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^3. Don't ask what "3^^^^3" is, but it's efuckingnormous, bigger than a zillion zillions. And that's just g(1). g(2) makes g(1) look smaller than a packet of airline pretzels. So you can imagine how big Graham's Number -- g(64) -- is. Well, actually, you can't. No human can even pretend to pretend to pretend to understand g(64). ^ | If this sentence has 64 "pretend"s in a row, it's true. If it has 65, it's false. It's just that unpretendable. Not even John Lennon and Mr. Rogers could imagine pretending to imagine it no matter how many drugs they shared in this land of Math Make-Believe Where Even Numbers Kibo Mentions Can Be So Big That They Fuck Up Your Brain. g(64) is so big that the only description of how big it is would have to be followed by more exclamation points than could fit in the Universe. g(64) a.k.a Graham's Damn Big Number makes a googolplex seem as tiny as a common household googol. It's even larger than the number of "CSI" reruns on cable today. Anyway, the solution to the problem about trapping a board of directors inside a hypercube and spray-painting them is a number which is at least 11 but smaller than Graham's Number. In other words, it's narrowed down to somewhere greater than almost nothing but less than the largest number anyone ever made up. Now that's what I call math! Extreeeeeme math! I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that Graham's Number is not exactly 298,738,125,032,839,110,943,158,462,232,734,109,666. I am so confident, I promise that if my prediction is proven wrong, I will kiss Bob Hope on the lips. By the way, when this article said "Consider an n-dimensional hypercube" and then explained that n could be any value up to Graham's Number, I hope you actually did consider a hypercube with that many zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion zillion dimensions. Einstein once tried to consider a hypercube with only a trillion dimensions, and it hurt his brain so bad that he was reduced to a drooling idiot for the rest of his life. So imagine what will happen if you imagine a g(64)-dimensional hypertesserpolytoperacticubinous omegahedron. Now imagine Gary Gygax rolling it and yelling "N-DIMENSIONAL YAHTZEE!" -- K. In conclusion, let me just say that if your IQ is "x", my IQ is g(g(x)). ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Dating incident analysis requested Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 14:36:17 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But then what's the difference between a saxophone and bagpipes and > > a harmonica? After all, they're all musical instruments nobody has > > ever even tried to like. > > you forgot the accordion. Uh oh, I think Plonkwort is going to grab your ears and squeeze. > An accordion player was having a drink when he realized he left his > car unlocked, with the accordion still inside! He ran out to his > car, but it was too late -- someone had broken into the car and > left two more accordions. You lie. You can't have three accordions in one place or they explode. They're like Siamese fighting fish. Or if a color-blind guy takes Viagra, since it can't turn his vision blue it makes his head explode. So why does Viagra allegedly make your vision turn blue? I've never heard anyone here say that impotence made it turn pink. -- K. And why don't blue contact lenses also cure impotence? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wimpy journalist doesn't want to wear leather Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:26:23 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > "How the Quest was won" is a funny magazine-style show that is > filling a time slot between Dr Who repeats and the news on the > government funded TV channel. Nobody can fill a time slot between "Doctor Who" repeats! Because whenever he gets stuck in a chronic hysteresis he repeats and repeats and repeats and the only way to break this eternal loop of repeatiness would be for the entire Universe to explode, which it clearly didn't, so that proves me right! > One reporter had a challenge where he had to include 15 phrases > from the song "Let's do the timewarp again" in a interview with > Suzi Quattro. I forget, which one was she on "Happy Days", was she Pinky Tuscadero or Leather Tuscadero? I only ever liked one of them. > If he doesn't do it within the timelimit or is rumbled, he has to > wear leather and sing the song in the main street of Perth... > of course he failed. What do you mean when you say "he had to wear leather"? Do you mean they forced him, or that he had an innate need to wear leather? The distinction is important to some of us, but only if he's cute. -- K. Also, is this government- funded TV channel funded by the Austalian government or by the Nazi government? 'Cause the Nazi version of "Doctor Who" really sucks, especially the episodes where the Daleks shout "Exterminate! Exterminate!" at a bar mitzvah. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wimpy journalist doesn't want to wear leather Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 10:18:47 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > If he doesn't do it within the timelimit or is rumbled, he has to > > > wear leather and sing the song in the main street of Perth... > > > of course he failed. > > > > What do you mean when you say "he had to wear leather"? Do you mean > > they forced him, or that he had an innate need to wear leather? > > They forced him to wear leather as he lost the bet as to whether he > could carry out that wacky interview. Then how did he fail while wearing leather and singing? Did they not lace it up tight enough so that it fell off while he was singing? I still don't get the concept of being forced to wear leather. Did they also punish him by giving him free ice cream, and fine him by writing him a check? Oh, wait... it must've been brown leather. -- K. Or worse, brown pleather. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently your cat has been spraying crystal meth all over. Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 04:10:16 -0400 [www.ksdk.com] -> -> Illinois Lawmaker Wants Meth Scratch And Sniff Cards To Help Find Makers -> -> By Steve Jankowski -> Illinois Bureau Chief -> -> (KSDK) -- At least one Illinois lawmaker believes a solution to the -> meth crisis may be right under our noses. -> -> Granite City middle school students are being exposed to the -> journeys of Lewis and Clark. At home they might be exposed to -> something possibly more dangerous then the perils faced by the -> explorers. -> -> So a state lawmaker wants to equip their teachers or daycare -> workers with a better awareness of the presence of methamphetamines. -> -> "Everybody's probably smelled marijuana or heard it, or smelled it -> if they were even at a concert. Dude! If you're so high that you think you can hear a doobie, I want some of whatever sound you're smoking! -> But methamphetamine has a very distinct smell that smells like -> cat urine." It's a completely unique smell which is absolutely identical to something you can already smell everywhere in the world. Nobody's going to want the silly cards now that it's been revealed what they use to simulate the odor of meth, even if the backs of the cards have a picture of Hobbes peeing on Calvin. -> That smell largely comes from the anhydrous ammonia, one of the -> key components of meth. So Michael McAuliffe has won house approval -> to provide certain professionals with scratch and sniff cards so -> they can compare a meth smell with unusual odors they might detect -> on the clothing, hair, or skin of their students, indicating the -> child had been exposed to the drug's production or use. Fun school prank: Spray the new kid's hair with any of the flavors of Windex that contain ammonia. -> Granite City police busted 32 labs last years. That sentence-like thing is also the title of Brian Aldiss's latest book which will be made into another movie about a super-futuristic high-tech robot kid whose face melts if he eats spinach. -> Janet Vaughn is a school teacher, "Ultimately we're worried about -> the kids' safety and the kids doing well at school and not having -> all these problems at home, because it is becoming a problem." I'm also worried about kids doing well in school. Kids shouldn't do well! It makes us grownups look stupid! -> Last year, the three-county area served by the Metropolitan -> Enforcement Group recorded 115 meth lab incidents leading to 154 -> arrests. At 17 of those labs, children were present. Yes, but they were all raided on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day". -> Madison County Sheriff Bob Hertz says his county led the state in -> meth arrests in 2003, "If it's a tool that we can use positively -> in furtherance of our trying to rid Madison County or this state -> of methamphetamines, then I'm behind 100 percent." "positively in furtherance"? Maybe if he hadn't spent all his time consulting the Weaselspeak Thesaurus he wouldn't have fallen so far behind. -> The Illinois Federation of Teachers is looking at the legislation -> to determine it's application and any liability that could be -> involved, should one of their members bring a foul smell to the -> attention of police. ATTENTION POLICE!!! THERE IS A FOUL SMELL IN THE McDONALDS RESTROOM!!! ARREST SOMEONE AND GIVE ME SOME FREE HAMBURGERS!!! -> The legislation is now moving into the state senate. Should it -> pass and be signed into law, the state police and state board of -> education would distribute the scratch and sniff cards. Scratching without sniffing will be punishable by a stiff fine. Also, to teach people what amyl nitrate smells like (a unique odor exactly like dirty laundry) look for new scratch 'n' huff cards. -- K. When I was a kid, schools had pot-leaf-shaped green paper leaves they'd burn to teach the kids what pot smelled like (I am not making this up) and all I learned was that it smells like burning paper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 8192 DIMENTIONS * 8 = IS WHAT ANOTHER TIME TRAP! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 05:32:14 -0400 In sci.physics.fusion, xexe@charter.net wrote: > > 8192 DIMENTIONS * 8 = IS WHAT ANOTHER TIME TRAP! > PENTAGON CUDE TO SEE THE FUTURE OF OUR UNIVERSE OPTICAL WITH THE MOVIE > PAYCHECK THE SUN BECOME A 16 LIGHT YEAR BLACK HOLE THAT USED 5% OF THE > PLANETS MASS AS GROWNING EVERGY OF THE BALC HOLE!!!! Why is it that conspiracy wackos never base their entire theories of everything on _good_ movies adapted from Philip K. Dick novels? No "Blade Runner" or "Minority Report", not even one super-stupid theory inspired by "Total Recall", instead we get "Paycheck". There are probably asymmetrical-haired people out there right now building Tinkertoy time machines based on "Impostor" or "Screamers". Also, TOYNBEE IDEAS IN KUBRICK'S "2001" RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER. I still don't know whether that person meant historian Arnold Toynbee or Ray Bradbury's "The Toynbee Convector". If I ever go crazy because of some sci-fi movie, I want it to be "THX-1138" so that I can run around raving "NOBODY BELIEVES ME THAT GEORGE LUCAS ONCE MADE AN INTELLIGENT SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE!" -- K. In Japan there must be people who think "Rubber's Lover" is a documentary. What country believes in Shatner's "Incubo"? Esperantia, or Stupidland? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My apologies (again.) Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 06:03:58 -0400 A few years ago, I mentioned the irony in the fact that rare VHS tapes of the utterly worthless "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" were selling for incredible amounts of eBay. Then about a week later, the company that had produced those long-forgotten trading cards which inspired the unwatchable movie noticed the same fact, possibly because I pointed it out to the entire Internet, so they announced they were bringing back "Garbage Pail Kids" cards. And at the time, I apologized for accidentally making stupid people bring back this insipid parody of a toy fad from 20 years ago. Well, on July 12 this year (one day before my birthday) MGM is releasing "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" on DVD. I don't know if I am in any way responsible for this event due to me having been born on the wrong day, but if it's my fault, I do apologize again. Hopefully when the new DVD goes right to the "$1.99 and under" clearance bin, it will forever destroy the secondary market for eighty-dollar low-fi VHS tapes of this piece of unmitigated diaper gravy. NO I DO NOT WANT A COPY FOR MY BIRTHDAY (especially as I already have it on tape.) What I want them to do is just to not cancel the DVD release of "Danger: Diabolik" again -- it was supposed to be released on my birthday _last_ year, and was then postponed indefinitely, and now is rescheduled for June, 11 months from when it was supposed to be available. Also someone needs to release Seijun Suzuki's "Zigeunerweisen" in Region 1. -- K. Could someone please write some "Baby Geniuses Meet The Garbage Pail Kids" crossover fan-fic so that I can feel superior to anyone who would do that? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My apologies (again.) Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 11:19:08 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Also, I almost bought Baby Geniuses today, Don't you know anything? You don't _buy_ them, you switch identical twin stupid babies with them! Then you imprison them in your secret underground day-care center where you can dress up as Hillary Clinton while you try to overthrow all the diaper services of the world! If you don't exploit the simple fact of science that every baby genius has an identical twin baby moron, you'll never run a diaper gravy cartel half as good as Fake Hillary Clinton. > but I didn't want to waste $9.95AUD, so I got "Tokyo Godfathers" > to go with my copy of "Ichi the Killer" (special edition) Dude, all 58 different releases of that movie are "special edition", "super-special edition", "ultra-special edition", "mega-special edition with free shrimp tempura", and so on. That's a movie that's inherently very special. You can't make "Ichi The Killer" be _not_ special, unless it's the R-rated cut that they once released for three seconds in the USA under the mistaken idea that prudes wanted to watch a movie that involves people being shredded into hundreds of gallons of intestines per person. > so that I have two Yakuza movies. You need "Branded To Kill" (a really artistic and daring Suzuki movie, the one which got him fired and then blacklisted) before you can say you have Yakuza movies. That'll get you one Joe Shisheido movie, you'll still also need at least one with Takeshi Kitano and one with Riki Takeuchi. But getting that one where Tadanobu Asano has the bleached hair was a good start. I don't know "Tokyo Godfathers", so I'll just look it up... Hey, that's a _cartoon_. A freakin' _Christmas_ cartoon. About a homeless drag queen adopting a baby found in the trash. Are you sure you didn't reach for a copy of "Gonin" but then get hit on the head and grab an extremely wrong type of film instead? > I could have also bought "Driller Killer" but I wanted to have less > dark movie. Tim, listen to me: You need happy, upbeat wacky Japanese movies, not Z-grade Abel Ferrara splatter movies. You need "Weather Woman" (a zany comedy shot entirely in upskirt-cam! Panties panties panties!) and "Battlefield Baseball" (you'll laugh! you'll cry! you'll sing along if you imagine a bouncing ball over the subtitles during the musical numbers!) and "Party 7" (hooray for Captain Banana!) I have "Happiness Of The Katakuris" here (Takashi Miike's wacky musical) but I haven't watched it yet although I'm sure it must be a happy movie which doesn't fall back on cliches like animated drag queens adopting garbage babies. (Miike doesn't have to restort to being maudlin in order to make you nauseous.) Or you could wait for Takeshi Kitano to do another "Zatoichi" with even more big dance numbers. And by the way, "Ichi The Killer" is not a dark movie. It's a joyous, upbeat romantic comedy. You gotta empathize with the joy Kakihara feels when he finally gets his wish to die in the most terrifying manner possible. Unless you're some sort of sicko who can't empathize with human joy. If you do need to have anime in your collection, at least get the stuff like "Koroshiya 1: The Animation Episode 0" before the stuff about drag queens learning the true meaning of Christmas by finding abandoned babies. > I only went into that DVD superstore to check if they had the DVD box > sets I am getting for my mother & sister's birthdays also. "Superstore"? In Australia? Yeah, right. Here in the USA we have stores that are bigger than your whole continent. That's not even a continent, it's an island! You're just Bizarro Iceland! And you call that a knife? > Thanks. You mean "Domo arigato, Boss Kibo." Yesterday when shopping for ingredients for something I was cooking (red curry-flavored Thai fried rice with Chinese sausage) the cashier told me how to say "Thank you!" in Chinese as well but to me it just sounded like "bleh bleh" because I wasn't born in the right part of the world to have grown the brain gland to hear those weird Asian tonal phonemes. (I don't even know if she was saying it in Mandarin or Cantonese, all I could tell was that it was two syllables with the same rhythm as "Thank you!" but without the "Thank you!") -- K. People who have never had Chinese sausage can't be trusted to recommend Chinese restaurants. They always seem to like the stuff like egg foo yung that makes the waiters go into the kitchen to laugh at you ordering off the lame part of the menu. Anyway, what I cooked yesterday involved slices of yummy Chinese sausage made even better by coating them with powdered hot pepper and powdered coconut. MmmmMMmmmMMMMMmmMMMMMMMMMMmmm. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Animal 57 news: Science says it tastes _better_ than chicken Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 12:01:19 -0400 [www.thedenverchannel.com] -> -> Study: Cloned Animals' Meat, Milk Meet Industry Standards -> -> FDA Says It Will Review Findings -> -> WASHINGTON -- Worried about what kind of meat and milk cloned -> animals would produce? A new study says you don't need to be. I'm not worried. I know that cloned animals would simply produce cloned meat. And because the US government spent my entire childhood telling me "You are what you eat," I'd happily buy cloned meat because I've always wanted to be cloned. -> The study found meat and milk from cloned bulls and cows is -> essentially identical to that from animals that reproduced -> normally, But what about gay animals? Everyone knows that all gay guys are faaaaabulous gourmet chefs, so presumably gay animals would taste great too. All cattle ranches should try to turn all their bulls gay. They could set up TV screens showing them that Bugs Bunny cartoon where he shoulda took the left turn in Albuquerque and comes up in the bullfight arena and kisses the bull. -> and that they meet industry standards. -> -> University of Connecticut researchers cloned a Japanese Black beef -> bull and Holstein dairy cow, using somatic cell nuclear transfer -- -> the same technique used to clone Dolly the sheep. The researchers -> compared the meat and milk from the clones to that of animals of -> similar age, genetics and breed. But did they have the same names? This makes a big difference! People would rather eat a bull named Cutie McSteakwich than a bull named Lethal Diarrhea. This proves that you can change the quality of meat by changing its name. That's why they stopped using the original name for hot dogs, "meaturds". -> They found the meat from the clones had a slightly higher marbling -> content than that from the comparison animals. Increased marbling -> is considered a benefit in beef. There you have it, folks! Science has proved that CLONED MEAT IS YUMMIER THAN REGULAR MEAT! This is why KFC food is so delicious, because it's made from Animal 57, which was cloned from Animal 56, which was cloned from Animal 55, all the way back to Animal 1 which was some chicken's favorite stem cell. -> No other significant differences were found in the meat or the milk. Except for the price. -> The study was published in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the -> National Academy of Sciences. -> -> The Food and Drug Administration said it will review the study. -> The agency has asked the food industry to keep products from cloned -> animals out of the food chain while it considers their safety. Yeah, they could turn to be as lethal as if you ate some meat from a cow that had an identical twin! Because you would never know whether you were eating the good twin or the evil but delicious twin! -> Animal food products from clones have yet to enter the food chain -> in any country, according to the report. I guess Animal 57 doesn't count as part of the food chain. Poor Animal 57! It doesn't qualify even though it's food and it's in chains. -> Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. The Associated -> Press contributed to this report. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. I didn't do any of that. I simply used cut-and-paste to make a clone of it. -- K. Everything that has ever been written or could ever be written is copyright by me, except for the stupid stuff, which is copyrighted by Animal 57. If you think this is stupid, go complain to whichever end of Animal 57 would be the head if it had one. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Animal 57 news: Science says it tastes _better_ than chicken Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 14:23:37 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [www.thedenverchannel.com] > > -> > > -> They found the meat from the clones had a slightly higher marbling > > -> content than that from the comparison animals. Increased marbling > > -> is considered a benefit in beef. > > > > There you have it, folks! Science has proved that CLONED MEAT IS > > YUMMIER THAN REGULAR MEAT! > > But, why does the meat from the clones have a slightly higher > marbling content than that from the comparison animals? Well, it is a subjective judgement, not something that can be assessed mathematically, so first we have to ask "How did Dr. Science determine that there was 'slightly higher marbling', by just looking at it and deciding it looked nicer?" Assuming there is a difference there, and that other people would agree with Dr. Science that they can see the same difference, and that the difference exists in a large enough number of bulls to establish this correlation, there are a bunch of hypotheses we could consider... 1.) Maybe the clones were exposed to a different environment in their pre-natal history, i.e. since there were eggs being sliced open to have nuclei inserted, that may have caused some sort of effect relative to the ones that were born from eggs that weren't tweezerized. 2.) Maybe the clones were exposed to a different environment while being raised, i.e. maybe the scientists were more interested in examining them than in the control calves and therefore they got more attention and felt happier and less tense. 3.) Maybe the clones are in some way biologically different from the non-clones -- it was reported that Dolly, the first cloned sheep, had shorter telomeres in her cells than a sheep her age should have had. 4.) Maybe a wizard did it! Since the control calves and cloned calves could not have been penned up in _exactly_ the same spot, one or the other of them would have been closer to the power field emanating from the village's local wizard. 5.) Maybe Dr. Science was secretly beating the cloned calves while screaming "GET MARBLED, DAMMIT!!!" More research needs to be done. If cloning meat does make it more tender, then we should only be eating clones of clones of clones of clones. Well-done steaks would still have that delicious burnt steak flavor but would be as tender as a White Castle patty. And White Castles would be as tender as fog! -- K. Then why do marbles taste so crunchy? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Animal 57 news: Science says it tastes _better_ than chicken Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 12:16:13 -0400 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > You can use ultrasound to measure marbling, I think in live cattle. > > I'm not sure that it's very good. > > The cows certainly seem to prefer it to the old method. Those stuck-up cattle, going around mooing "_I_ am more marbled than _you_!" They get so tender about it. But remember, it's not important whether you have a lot of marbles as long as you know how to shoot 'em. For details, see the movie "Fighting Elegy". -- K. Why does it even matter whether cattle are marbled? They all taste better ground up into White Castles. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Funniest work voice mail I evah got! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 16:30:56 -0400 Nicko (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I could not make up something as brilliant as this. This guy's message > exempifies South Sider directness: > > "...Da monkey you ordered exscaped from the cage dis morning and we > can't catch 'im...so the monkey is gonna be two days late. I'm sorry > about dat but when we catch 'im we'll get back to you. Thank you and > have a nice day." "An' da monkey bustid up da turdy-nine dot monita an' we got salt wid salt an' peppa wid peppa but we don' got salt wid pepper an' dey put dat MSG in dere an' you know what 'MSG' stands for MUDDA FUGGIN' GAHBAGE!!!" Any sufficiently obnoxious retail employee in Boston somehow manages to develop a Brooklyn accent on top of a Boston accent. Fortunately, I don't have either type of accent, despite having grown up in New York State before moving to Massachusetts. I'm too smart to have any sort of accent. Nor do I have the "gay voice", you know, the one Jerry Seinfeld always uses. I'm just completely normal and inconspicuous, which is why it's baffling that that old lady at the supermarket got frightened after she asked me where the capers were and I asked her some small-talk questions about her love of capers and she got this horrified look in her eyes like "OH NO I ASKED THE BLUE-HAIRED GUY IN THE LEATHER JACKET AND CAMO FATIGUES A QUESTION AND NOW HE'S DISPLAYING FRIENDLY CURIOSITY, HELP!" Couldn't she tell how normal I was? Well, I did know what capers were, which I guess does make me an unusually caper-aware guy. I'm also so normal that when a fortyish woman elsewhere in the supermarket complimented me on the shade of blue in my hair and then told me how she felt about every known shade of blue and then asked, "Do you like movies?", I just smiled sweetly without bothering to tell her she was trying to peel the bark off the wrong tree. So, the question is: If I were to cultivate an accent just to help people realize how abnormal I am, which should I go with? Brooklynese? Russian? Finnish? Esperanto? Orkan? Thetan? Tasmanian Devil? Manson? Great Gildersleeve? Ted Cassidy? Nipsey Russell? Valentine Dyall? Shatner? Esperanto Shatner? Esperanto Manson? Pee-wee Shatner? -- K. I like MSG. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Funniest work voice mail I evah got! Date: Tue, 12 Apr 2005 16:55:11 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > "Nicko" (strutterman@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > "...Da monkey you ordered exscaped from the cage dis morning [...]" > > You work someplace that orders monkeys? I hope it's for wackiness. Monkeys are not wacky. Monkeys are evil. All the monkeys in the world should be shot into space, even if it means that someday we'll have to endure another terrible remake of "Planet Of The Apes". > If it's for medical experiments, I hope the monkey is never found. There's a refund if they find anything less than 49% of the monkey. Ever wonder about those catalogs that sell live ladybugs by the pound? The people who buy them aren't using them for their garden. They're using them to make tap-dancing sound crunchier. People are evil, especially because they're a gangly type of monkey, and you'll be happier if you accept that all people are evil all the time. -- K. Fortunately, I'm better than people, since I'm from Neptune and therefore twice as evil as you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goddamn it! Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 15:22:13 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) a ˇcrit: > > > > [on "Ichi The Killer"] > > > > Even though I used to work in an abbatoir, I still don't like > > seeing these things happening to people. > > An abattoir for people? You worked for one of the big soylent green > conglomerates, I presume. Don't you remember when we took the tour of that big underground one outside Ottawa? He was right in front of the "DO NOT URINATE INSIDE STRUCTURE, PENALTY DISMISSAL" sign. How could you forget seeing a guy wearing a T-shirt that said "I BOUGHT 'ICHI THE KILLER' JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE"? Next he's going to whip himself 50,000 times to cure dyspepsia or something and then borrow that other guy's "I am not a masochist" catchphrase. > Etienne "is vegemite another name for soylent green?" Rouette Marmite is 50% mar and 50% mite. Vegemite is 50% Marmite and 50% Vegemite. However, a catamite is neither cat nor mite, nor can a sandwich park on a driveway, and there is no difference between sauce and gravy. -- K. And soylent green is really more of an aquamarine color. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goddamn it! Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 15:58:17 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > In Ichi the Killer the director has chosen not to prepare you for some > of the shocks that come on screen, so it will go straight from one scene > to a shot of a mutilation. What, you wanted William Castle to have a nurse check your blood pressure on your way into the theater, then have you sign a waiver of liability, then before every scary scene show you a picture of a strobe light and a honking noise while a guy ran through the audience personally tapping each of you on the shoulder and whispering "LOOK! IT'S THE FEAR FLASHER WITH THE HORROR HORN!"? > Also, that is not Ichi on the cover! Duh. So you wanted Columbo to show you who the murderer is at the start of the episode so that you could sit there smug about knowing his identity before Kakihara did? > Kakihara is the real star of the movie, but they named it after > someone who is really a secondary character. That's because it's based on manga about Ichi, and Ichi has backstory and survives after the movie and shows up in a prequel movie and another movie. Kakihara just gets involved because of Boss Anjo's murder, but if you want more Ichi, you can get "Koroshiya 1: The Animation Episode 0" and "Ichi-1". I haven't seen them yet, but I will soon. Also, Kakihara deserves to be on the cover because Tadanobu Asano is a lot sexier than the guy who plays Ichi, with or without the extreme facial piercings. He's one of Japan's biggest-name movie stars (you can see him in Kitano's "Zatoichi", "Taboo", "Party 7", "Electric Dragon 80,000V", etc.) and so wins the right to be on the cover for being both more famous and more handsome than the other guy. The real central character to the plot is neither Kakihara nor Ichi. It's Jiijii or Gigi or however you want to spell his silly name. But he's Chinese, so you're supposed to ignore him, just like the butler in any British murder mystery. Especially any butler named Gigi. If you don't like Kakihara: He has a red raincoat and frilly shirt, so you can always pretend you're watching "Doctor Who", and there's a Dalek chasing him yelling "HANG! FROM! HOOKS! AND! PIERCE! WITH! GIANT! NEEDLES! AND! BURN! WITH! BOILING! OIL! AND! E! VIS! CER! ATE! E! VIS! CER! ATE!" > "There's no love in your punches!" is my favourite line so far. Kakihara knows that women aren't any good at punching men. Only a man can truly punch another man. Have you ever even made a fist? > Longer review when I get the time. Why bother? It would just be fifteen pages of you yelling "EWWWWWWWWWW!" > I don't want to watch it again for a while. But we know you will, while you're yelling "I AM NOT A MASOCHIST! EWWWWWWW I HATE IT WHEN I WATCH THIS MOVIE TEN TIMES IN A ROW!!!! WHY DID I TIE MYSELF TO THE BED WHEN I PUT THIS DVD IN?" As to what I want to watch... I want to watch you watching that movie. > Even though I used to work in an abbatoir, I still don't like > seeing these things happening to people. The special features go > into details on some of the mutilations also. Wait 'til you get to the part where you learn what substance they used to simulate the jizz in the main title. Hint: It rhymes with "jizz" and is a four-letter word starting with "j-i-z". -- K. When Takashi Miike tells everyone on the set to "take five", they know to stand back. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japan gobbles up jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:17:44 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Ichi The Killer"] > > > > Wait 'til you get to the part where you learn what substance they used > > to simulate the jizz in the main title. Hint: It rhymes with "jizz" > > and is a four-letter word starting with "j-i-z". > > That. Is. So. Cool. I wonder what they used for the jizz in "Kika"? > And how come you have to rent a foreign movie to see jizz, anyways? > America is nothing if not full of jizz. Well, see, if Steven Spielberg wants to show a scene where the camera gets drenched with jizz, he'll hire a special-effects company to do six months of research into which biodegradable, soy-based long-chain polymers will look like jizz but better than jizz and be more art-directable so that they could storyboard the jizz and the jizz wrangler could make it hit its timing marks and go exactly where it's supposed to. That's the way American movies work. If Takashi Miike wants to show a scene with jizz, he makes some jizz. That's the way Japanese people work. They're all perverts. American directors don't think real stuff looks real, so they have to go to effects to get something that looks realer than real. They would spend an enormous amount of time thinking about jizz and talking about jizz so they could come up with a non-jizz product for use on film. Japanese directors would consider anything other than actually wanking to be wankerous, and not in the good way. Also, if you gave an American director a choice between a realistic amount of red blood or an extra fifty gallons of fluorescent puce blood, he'd take the red blood, but of course the Japanese director is interested more in quantity than in scientific accuracy. It's "fun blood". But the real difference between American movies and Japanese movies is in the style of storytelling. American audiences hate, hate, hate it if they don't know exactly what's going on, which means an American movie tells you the entire backstory, then tells you what's going to happen, then tells you it's happening, then tells you what just happened. Me, I like films that challenge me and leave me with stuff to think about. A Japanese movie will start with weird stuff happening, then eventually get around to revealing parts of the backstory, or sometimes will just show something freaky which makes sense only on a symbolic level without any explanation being given. To watch a Japanese movie, you have to abandon the American notion that the purpose of seeing a movie is to know what's going to happen next. Japanese movies require you to accept that it's okay to be puzzled or intrigued. There are a few really good American movies that are "puzzle movies" like that ("Memento", "Pulp Fiction", "THX-1138", "A Clockwork Orange", "Blade Runner") but even the most straightforward Japanese movies may contain moments that won't make sense until later in the film or until the third viewing. The other difference is that 20% of American films are about boring mobsters (and I am _so_ sick of American mob movies, except for ones Danny DeVito or Martin Scorsese are involved with) but 60% of Japanese films are about Yakuza, and apparently all Yakuza are either (a) gay, (b) bi, (c) sadomasochistic, (d) sadistic, (e) masochistic, (f) ultra- stylish, (g) bionic, (h) living in a blend of Samurai times and modern times, or (i) game show hosts. They're all weird enough to be interesting, at least ever since Seijun Suzuki made that movie about the guy who got a woody whenever he smelled boiling rice. When I mention I like Japanese movies (Yakuza movies or other Japanese movies) people tend to start suggesting Chinese, Korean, or Hong Kong movies I should like. And I almost never do. There's something special about the Japanese style. Chinese-language movies come in two flavors: Martial-arts films (a genre that had gotten beaten to death even before every film started having far too much wire-fu) and extreeeemely sloooowww serious films. I prefer the Japanese parodies of Chinese chop-sockey films (such as "Battlefield Baseball", "Weather Woman", etc.) to any actual Chinese martial-arts films, though I do admire the early Shaw Brothers films from back when wire-fu was new and clever. ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" must be one of the most overrated films in history.) And yeah, there _are_ some Japanese films which are formulaic or just plain bad. But I'll take my chances with a Japanese movie over a Hollywood movie any day, especially if it's got Tadanobu Asano or Riki Takeuchi or Joe Shisheido or Takeshi Kitano in it, or was directed by Suzuki, Miike, Kitano, Hasebe, Kitamura, K. Ishii, or T. Ishii. I have a few favorite English-language directors too (Gilliam, Kubrick, Tarantino, Allen, etc.) but I've seen most of their stuff. The pickings in the rest of Wal-Mart are pretty slim, but the Japanese territory is proving a rich new land to explore. 'Cause I live in a big city and know my way around the Internet, I can get my hands on goodies that don't have English writing on the box. (Most Japanese films are available with English subtitles, 'cause in Japan everyone _thinks_ they can speak English, and they like to read the subtitles to convince themselves they're fluent.) When I was a kid, I liked Japanese movies because they all had guys in rubber monster suits stomping on tiny buildings. Now I like Japanese movies because I know not all of them have Godzilla in them. Also they use real jizz while they're fucking with your head. -- K. Hello, I like my movie collection so much that I'm a potty-mouth. I actually don't usually swear. I'm just doing this to fuck with your head. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japan gobbles up jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 04:20:15 -0400 [in response to an article about the director of "Ichi The Killer" masturbating] zest_fien@yahoo.com wrote: > > Can anyone help please , I am looking for a skin care range from this > company, http://www.naturalisproducts.com , i am particularly > interested in their milia treatment which i read that can treat > stubborn milia effectively. Dear spammer who isn't reading this, I don't know how you found my INCREDIBLY RELEVANT ARTICLE to which to post your followup question, but here are some even more relevant suggestions for treating milia, whatever they are: 1.) ask a Yakuza to pour boiling oil over you. 2.) masturbate. -- K. I hope you get milt in your milia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japan gobbles up jizz Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 19:06:15 -0400 Seth Goldin (sethgoldin@cox.net) wrote: > > Kibo, do you enjoy anime? It sounds like you might like it, as you may > be interested in the highly skilled level of graphic art combined with > the characteristically Japanese elements of Japanese films. I enjoyed about the first ten anime films I saw, but I have little desire to see any of the remaining 500,000. Now to pad this out and make you think I'm Tim Chim, let me type in the back of the box from a Region 3 edition (manufactured in Hong Kong for uses in places like Taiwan) of Takeshi Kitano's "Getting Any?": -> -> Asao is a daydreamer who fantasizes about having wild, -> passionate sex in a car. Since he has neither a car nor a -> girlfriend, he embarks on a series of slapstick adventures -> in search of both: he sells his grandfather's internal -> organs, robs a bank, steals an armored car, searches for -> buried treasure, becomes an actor in a "Zatoichi" movie, -> joins the Yakuza, and even becomes an experimental subject -> in a human-invisiblity project. Unlike any of the stylized -> violent films that preceded it, "Getting Any?", however, is -> arguably the film that best represents Kitano Takeshi, who, -> many seem to have forgotten, started off as an off-beat -> stand-up comedian specialized in farcical and bad-taste -> comedic acts. Hmm, I haven't done one or two of those things. Where's the nearest armored car? Also, when do I get my own sadistic, super-sloppy game show on SpikeTV? The fine print concerning the "do not steal this movie" warnings is interestingly specific: -> The definition of home use excludes the use of this videodisc -> at locations such as Clubs, Coaches, Hospitals, Hotels, Oilrigs, -> and Prisons. Yeah, those offshore oil platforms account for the bulk of international DVD piracy. I can make that sentence ten times more effective: -> The definition of home use excludes the use of this videodisc -> at locations such as Clubs, Coaches, Hospitals, Hotels, Oilrigs, -> Prisons, Singapore, Malaysia, Taiwan, Hong Kong, or China. -> In fact, don't use this DVD anywhere in Region 3. Just sell it -> to some American bozo on eBay. It'll play in his DVD player because -> like all "Region 3" discs this is secretly a "Region 1 & 3" disc. -> That's why we already converted it to NTSC instead of PAL, just -> for you, round-eye-eBay-boy. Just mail this disc around the world -> instead of making copies of it, and don't ever watch it with your -> oil rig buddies, especially 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo. Of the Region 2 and Region 3 discs I've bought, they've _all_ played happily in my Region-1-only DVD player, with the exception of the extras disc for "Battlefield Baseball". I doubt the people selling these things on eBay are really careful about checking which "Region 3" discs also support Region 1, so my suspicion is that countries which aren't owned by Hollywood are happy to have people anywhere in the world buy and watch their movies, they just print a single region code on the box to make the DVD Consortium think the studios are following the stupid gerrymandered suppression-of-international-trade system. A few Asian discs will say "Region All" (or "Region 0") but most of them seem to just lie about being single-region discs. I have never, ever seen a "Region 1 & 3" logo, but obviously there are a lot of unadvertised two-region or all-region discs. Makes it so hard to tell whether I'm buying bootlegs, especially since the bootlegs would be identical in quality to the real thing in every way and therefore it wouldn't even matter if some of these were bootlegs. Thinking is hard! -- K. I'd like to have wild, passionate sex in a car that runs over J.G. Ballard. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Japan gobbles up jizz Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 14:15:22 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd like to have wild, passionate sex in a car that runs over > > J.G. Ballard. > > ... dammit. now I can't get the thought of John Malkovich with > flaming orange hair out of my brane. You Randroids are all the same. If you want me to come over with a sledgehammer because of the tiny scratch on your fireplace mantel and then smack you around, you'll have to buy me a drink first because I am a highly sophisticated person. And if you want me to repair the electroshock generator attached to your leather mattress, it'll cost you. > butting (MAN do I hope this doesn't mean you like Spielberg) > (apart from Raiders) > (um, and Jaws) > (and Minority Report) > (and, uh, Empire of the Sun) > (oh, and Duel) > (okay, dammit. just, DAMMIT.) "Minority Report" is one of the best science fiction movies I've ever seen, even though it was based on one of Phil Dick's less interesting novellas. "A.I." sucked. "Jaws" was surprisingly good because I didn't see it until after "E.T." and "Close Encounters" (popular movies I don't have a lot of respect for.) "Raiders Of The Lost Ark", um, I believe I've already observed that the poster alone has a strong Tom Of Finland influence. It's one of those action movies which is good enough that it keeps you so engaged that you don't bother thinking about how the plot is a different type of illogical every five minutes. There aren't many other Hollywood action movies I've felt that way about -- "Speed", "Terminator 2", "The One", and "Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow" are some of the few I approve of, and even so, I still consider such heavy-action movies to be a lightweight genre. Generally things get called "drama" if they're good movies with some action, and "action" if they forgot to put in any brain food between action scenes. Also, I know this is going to make a lot of people retch on their keyboards, but I really liked the first Tom Cruise "Mission: Impossible", though the second one sucked in exactly the same way as any other John Woo movie. Spielberg's best talent is that he can make smart action movies with a lot of drama and character comedy in the proper proportions. "Jaws", "Raiders Of The Lost Ark", and "Minority Report" are all basically action movies with real movies happening around the action. I've always been meaning to see "Duel" but somehow the opportunity never quite presents itself correctly. What I would really like to see Spielberg direct is a feature film that would be an extended special edition of the SCTV episode where they did "The Merv Griffin Show: The Special Edition". But I'm not sure who would play John Candy as Orson Welles, and since nobody remembers George Plimpton demonstrating that the Intellivision had a sixteen-way joystick we'd have to have Joe Flaherty playing Dennis Miller shilling for AOL. Also, Takeshi Kitano and Clint Eastwood should take turns directing each other's movies, Jack Black and Riki Takeuchi should have a fight to the death with pool cues in Brian Blessed's floating palace, Jack Palance and Joe Shisheido should conquer the Planet Of Cheekbones, and Quentin Tarantino and Takashi Miike should give everyone else in Hollywood an enema. And can we please bring Fritz Lang and Peter Lorre back from the dead to make some sequels to "M", such as "N" and "O", unless the sight of Peter Lorre in an owl mask would be too weird? -- K. Christopher Walken should read this article aloud, and John Malkovich should write the followup. Ayn Rand should stay deader than hell! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Japanese movies with or without jizz (was: Goddamn it!) Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:29:14 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, that is not Ichi on the cover! > > > > Duh. So you wanted Columbo to show you who the murderer is at > > the start of the episode so that you could sit there smug about > > knowing his identity before Kakihara did? > > My favorite part of the movie is when they're at the Chinese > Restaurant near the trout factory, and Ted Pikul orders > the "special," and the Chinese waiter says, "Mutant reptiles > and amphibians provide previously unimagined taste sensations!" > That line always cracks me up. Oh, I just realized that in my previous article, I forgot to list Cronenberg on my little list of my favorite non-Japanese directors. "Videodrome"'s my favorite of his, though "Crash" has been growing on me with repeat viewings, especially now that I have the NC-17 cut. Note how much cross-pollination there is between my list of approved American directors and my list of approved Japanese directors. The smart ones know enough to watch good films from other countries to find stuff to rip off. Like, Tarantino has seen lots of Yakuza movies, while Miike's "Ichi The Killer" has some definite little moments where he lets you know he liked Gilliam's "Brazil". (Two great tastes that go great together. "Brazil" is my favorite movie, though "Ichi The Killer" gives me such a thrill whenever I see it.) Also I think the guy who made "Battle Royale" might have seen "The Green Slime". -- K. Three stages of Japanese film fandom: 1.) "Godzilla is awesome! He just keep crushing stuff!" 2.) "Kurosawa is the most gifted auteur of our time! I learned that in a magazine!" 3.) "Holy fuck, this movie picked me up and smacked me around the room and broke my furniture!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: my compootar, she explode Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 16:13:33 -0400 "Vapolluan" (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > Your E-mail address keeps making me think you're Hannu Poropudas. I better give you the official test to see whether you really are Hannu Poropudas: What color are your daughter's neutrinos, including the ones with the stripes and polka dots? > So here I am, putting the finishing touches to my take-home final > exam. I have a window open and am transferring data and tidying up > the homework. > All of a sudden a BANG occurs, ans sparks fly out of the back of my > machine .AND SMOKE CAME OUT. > I was ready to throw it in the bathtub but the burning smell finally > went away, so I figure no fire risk now. If I were you, I would have thrown it in the bathtub, but only if it were still plugged in and Andy Rooney were in the tub. Unfortunately, Andy Rooney never gets naked in my apartment. I mean, FORTUNATELY Andy Rooney never gets naked in my apartment. > However, I now do not have my 27 page final exam. I am screwed. > So I get a new system, and god help me but one running windows xp, > and I have fiinally removed the piles of junk that come with xp. > Pity phase over. Okay, I am now imagining a Dalek shouting "PITY! PHASE! OVER!" after it makes Tim Chim cry by showing him a DVD of Leela punching Tom Baker in the gut and Tom Baker complaining that she's not hitting hard enough. > I am driving down to Annapolis when I see a van that I swear had the name > CHILITROLL on iy.II mmediately think of Kibo's fantasy of a chili filled > rubber suit. That's how they got such a good performance out of the actor who played Gollum in "The Lord Of The Rings". He was a midget wearing a carefully- sculpted foam-rubber suit filled with spicy chili. It's a little-known fact that all movies featuring trolls are sponsored by Hormel Chili. Hormel sends them cases of the stuff. That's why you never see Wallace Shawn in a grocery store. Or Linda Hunt. Or Garry Shandling. Archimedes Plutonium still shops at his local grocery store because his imaginary movies only get him a lifetime supply of free imaginary chili. > Now, I casnt figure out if I am nuts immediately thinking about Kibo's > tastes in apparell, or I am nuts for remembering it at all. I didn't remember posting that all those years ago. So I guess this proves I'm not the weird one here. -- K. Suddenly I want chili. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: my compootar, she explode Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 16:31:14 -0400 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Vapolluan" (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I am driving down to Annapolis when I see a van that I swear had the name > > CHILITROLL on iy.II mmediately think of Kibo's fantasy of a chili filled > > rubber suit. > > I didn't remember posting that all those years ago. So I guess this proves > I'm not the weird one here. My guess is that you live in or near Maryland, since there seems to be a "CHILLTROL" air-conditioner repair company somewhere around Baltimore. Also, my guess is that that's not the only reason you're weird. For those who are curious, such as me, I looked up what I said about foam-rubber suits filled with chili. It was in my March 2003 report on my trip to Ottawa, including the following hockey game I attended with Etienne Rouette. Here's an excerpt. //////// RERUN BEGINS ///////////////////////////////////////////////// Went to an Ottawa 67s (minor league hockey) game. The deal with non-NHL hockey is that you get a game of 95% NHL intensity, but the tickets cost about 6% what good NHL tickets do. The 67s beat the Oshawa Generals 6 to 1. Also I "won" a free hat that says "Porter Cable" (they sponsored the game and threw about 9,000 free hats into the crowd of 10,004 people) and everyone got a bag of honey/nut flavor Cheerios snack mix. The 67s have not just one but three costumed mascots (a raccoon in a white jersey, a raccoon in a black jersey, and a really terrifying walking, smiling hockey puck with giant fangs) as well as cheerleaders, a mini-blimp, and a strange inflatable red stick figure twenty feet tall that dances whenever the 67s score. It's a lot of bozosity for just CDN$12. Oh, also, it was the coach's 999th OHL victory (all with the 67s) so if my ticket had been for the next game, it would have been a big deal of some sort. I suppose they'd bring out a third identical raccoon who could crash the blimp into the Zamboni which would knock the giant scary puck man into the net, showering everyone with millions of "Porter Cable" hats. The walking 67s puck is absolutely the scariest mascot costume I have ever seen, including the guy dressed as a nine-pin connector at a computer parts show. The version of the evil fanged puck guy the 67s use as their logo is scary enough (it's a puck snarling and punching you) but the walk-around suit is even scarier because (a) it's a giant foam-rubber walk-around suit and (b) they tried to change its facial expression so that instead of snarling, it's smiling, but still with the same foot-long teeth. It's like if Pac-Man was vulcanized and a vampire and chased you around in real life. (I don't know what the Generals' mascot is, but since they don't even have a real logo, maybe he's just a guy with a wallet card that says "OFFICIAL MASCOT".) There was not one person wearing a Generals shirt in the audience for the 67s game. Apparently Leafs fans are willing to drive from Toronto (or even live in Ottawa) but the minor-league fans stay where they're supposed to. The 67s have the wackiest-looking arena ever. It's like a pineapple upside down cake that got dropped on the floor so that the parking, hockey, and football got all mixed together, along with lots of crazy ramps and a giant inflatable bubble. It's hard to describe, but the seats for the outdoor football stadium are also the roof over the hockey arena, except if you sit in those seats you're facing a big opaque blister. I confused the woman at the 67s' concession stand because I asked for "green Gatorade" and in Canada, green Gatorade is yellow. I have no idea why, or what this means for the color of what would normally be yellow Gatorade (brown? puce?) Because I was sitting behind the net, I couldn't just wait for one of the mascots to shoot a submarine sandwich at me with his mascot food gun. Hockey fans actually seem to enjoy eating food that's been pooted out of a bazooka -- there should be a restaurant for them, where all food would come out of a cannon. Especially the Sloppy Joes, creamed corn, and poutine. The restaurant's mascot could be a guy wearing a big foam rubber puck costume filled with chili he could spit up on the luckiest customers. //////// RERUN ENDS /////////////////////////////////////////////////// So who's going to start the hockey-mascot-barfing-chili-at-people restaurant? Hurry up and do it before anyone ever starts playing hockey again. Actually, the 67s are probably still playing, since they're OHL and not NHL. But since Generals fans aren't willing to drive from Oshawa to Ottawa, you'd better have enough money to open one of these restaurants in every city. Open 50,000 of them simultaneously, that'll guarantee you won't lose any money! -- K. I also want Disney to film CHILITRON. "Look out! Bruce Boxleitner is full of beans!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:00:03 -0400 Another chilifingertastic news flash. [www.mercurynews.com] -> -> Finger-finder decides not to sue -> -> By Linda Goldston -> Mercury News -> -> The Las Vegas woman who said she found a 1 1/2-inch chunk of -> finger in a bowl of chili at a San Jose Wendy's has decided not to -> pursue legal action against the restaurant chain, and her attorney -> has withdrawn from the case. "I've dropped my baseless lawsuit over the finger I put in my own chili. That means I'm no longer a liar, right?" -> But Anna Ayala's decision does not end the police investigation -> into how the finger got into the chili. In a strange twist, the -> news came on the same day the Mercury News learned of a late -> February incident in Pahrump, Nev., in which a spotted leopard bit -> off part of a finger -- about 1 1/2-inch worth -- of a woman who -> had been keeping the exotic cat and other animals. -> -> The finger was reportedly not reattached, and San Jose police said -> they are investigating whether it is linked to the case. "Reportedly not reattached"? One would think there would be little doubt about its status, unless the woman had it reattached but kept doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke entering the Twylo Zone. -> Jeffrey Janoff, the San Jose attorney who represented Ayala until -> Tuesday, said his client was dropping her claim against Wendy's -> because ``this has caused her great emotional distress and -> continues to be difficult emotionally.'' "Lying is hard!" -> Citing attorney-client privilege, Janoff would not say why he -> withdrew from the case. But he said his statement had nothing to -> do with the incident in Pahrump, which is about 45 miles southeast -> of Las Vegas. Maybe the finger is all that's left of Jack Black after he got blasted by Martians in Pahrump in that really bad movie with the best cast ever except without enough Jack Black. Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson's identical twin, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, Tom Jones, Jim Brown, Lukas Haas, Natalie Portman, Pam Grier, Lisa Marie, Sylvia Sidney, Jack Black, Paul Winfield, Rance Howard, Christina Applegate, Joe Don Baker, and a script consisting of a handful of old trading cards. -> Denny Lynch, vice president of communications for Wendy's, learned -> of the Nevada incident and news that Ayala will not sue from the -> Mercury News but declined comment. He said, however, the reward -> hotline Wendy's established will remain open to receive tips. "Tips", eh? "Give them the finger", eh? "Pun-like newspaper moment", eh? "Not funny", eh? -> [...] -> -> Attempts to reach Ayala for comment were unsuccessful; the former -> San Jose resident did not answer her phone. But in an earlier -> interview, Ayala became incensed at any suggestion that finger -> might have been planted in the chili. If she didn't plant it, why is she still spreading fertilizer? -> The Mercury News learned about the incident in Nevada after -> receiving a call on Tuesday morning from an -> exotic-animal-sanctuary owner. -> -> ``What are the odds?'' said Carol Asvestas, director of the Wild -> Animal Orphanage in San Antonio, who was among several people who -> saw the leopard bite off part of Sandy Allman's finger on Feb. 23. -> Asvestas had gone to Allman's to rescue several exotic animals at -> Allman's request, she said. -> -> Allman did not return phone calls from the Mercury News on -> Tuesday. Poor Mercury News! Nobody takes their phone calls! Hey, Merc, you can call me any time. I can make up all sorts of great stuff you can print. Did you know that I found an 11.99-inch-long finger in my chili? Scientists are unable to determine whether it's a foot! -> Asvestas said she had not thought about the incident until Tuesday -> morning, when a friend e-mailed her a copy of a photo of the -> finger found in the chili on March 22. "HA HA, YOU LOST YOUR FINGER, LOOK, SOMEONE ATE A FINGER, IMAGINE SHE'S EATING YOUR FINGER, HA HA, LOVE, YOUR FRIEND." -> Asvestas reported the information Tuesday morning to the Wendy's -> hotline. San Jose police confirmed Tuesday afternoon that they are -> investigating. -> -> A visual examination of the photo taken of Allman's finger and a -> photo of the finger Ayala said she found in the bowl of chili -> shows them to be similar and about the same length. "Similar" to what extent? Does this mean neither is doughnut-shaped? -> Both finger parts have ragged edges where the fingers were detached. Oh no! All the lettuce in my salad is actually a human finger! -> But it would take a DNA test to determine if the finger in the -> bowl of chili is the finger that used to be on Allman's hand, said -> Capt. Bob Dixon of the Santa Clara County Sheriff-Coroner's Office. And then they'll let her have it back so she can get it reattached. -> Dixon said the finger found in the bowl of chili ``has been cut up -> and sent out for tests'' but that the finger ``clearly was not a -> clean cut. It was kind of jagged.'' I hope they packed the chopped-up finger in something other than the original cup which said "TASTY CHILI INSIDE". -> ``Somebody might be able to say it looks the same but -> scientifically to say it's the same, you'd have to do DNA -> testing,'' he said. Split the difference. Just look at the two strands of DNA with the naked eye and see whether they look the same. -> On the day the leopard bit off part of Allman's finger, Allman had -> just told Asvestas and others that the animals were safe to touch, -> Asvestas said. Oompa, loompa, doop-a-dee-doo, I've got an irony for you, You're not very bright and you deserved to get your finger eaten by a dangerous wild animal you were trying to get other people to touch-a-dee-doo! -> ``She was introducing us to each animal. The last words out -> of Sandy's mouth were, `These are my babies. They would never -> hurt me.''' "I'm smarter than a wild cat therefore the cats can never prove me wrong!" -> Cindy Carroccio, director of the Austin Zoo, was with Asvestas. -> Carroccio said it was her boyfriend who spotted the finger in the -> bottom of Anthony's cage. Asvestas, a former nurse, was trying to -> stop the bleeding on Allman's hand. -> -> ``He saw it, fished it out with a stick and brought it to me in a -> Kleenex,'' she said. ``We washed it off and took a photo of it.'' -> -> Carroccio and Asvestas were not sure why the finger could not be -> re-attached to Allman's hand. -> -> But the medical clinic where she was treated ``gave it back to her -> in a little bag of ice,'' Carroccio said. Here the article ends, without any explanation as to why the loser of the finger thinks her finger might have been used by some bozette to try to grift money out of Wendy's. It's like a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered with lame hot sauce. -- K. Dear news media, SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 15:27:12 -0400 Further updates in the sordid tale of the stupid woman who thought she could fool people into thinking a finger teleported into her chili all by itself: [cbs5.com] -> -> Las Vegas resident Anna Ayala is facing two felony charges in -> connection with the piece of human finger found last month in a -> bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose, according to -> court documents. -> -> Ayala is charged with one felony count of attempted grand theft -> and one felony count of grand theft, according to the documents. What about Attempted Pretend Cannibalism? Surely that's good for something! -> If convicted of both charges she faces a maximum possible penalty -> of six years, two months in prison, Santa Clara County Assistant -> District Attorney Karyn Sinunu said. I wonder what she'll be able to find in the prison's chili? -> Ayala was arrested on Thursday in Las Vegas and is currently in -> custody there awaiting extradition to Santa Clara County. -> -> Sinunu said residents should feel safe about eating at Wendy's -> restaurants. -> -> "Our heart goes out to the victim,'' Sinunu said. "We are -> encouraging America to eat at Wendy's.'' And I encourage all public officials to encourage everyone in the country to stuff their faces full of cheap junk food. Damn the USDA and their confusing new twelve-sided, unlabeled, poorly-drawn nutrition pyramid! Everyone should just eat at Wendy's all the time! [www.mercurynews.com] => => ``Wendy's has the money, and they can destroy a little person,'' a => woman at Ayala's house who said she was her sister, but declined => to give her name said early Thursday. ``What if my sister was a => white man in a suit? The whole nation would have been sympathetic, => but she's a little Latina.'' Yep, the whole nation would have been sympathetic because the whole nation is composed entirely of white men. Therefore, by your own argument, you and your sister don't even exist! Ha! You just reverse-discriminated yourself out of existence! Unless, of course, the laws of physics make it possible for someone to be Hispanic and an asshole at the same time. It's either that or the two of you don't exist. Choose wisely... => The woman said Ayala did not want to talk publicly because ``she => just wants to get better. Emotionally. That's all that's important => right now, family.'' => => Ever since Ayala said she found the finger in her chili at Wendy's => on Monterey Road in San Jose, ``they've dragged her through the => mud,'' her sister said, adding that Ayala's daughter can't attend => school because she is taunted by her classmates. Well, she should've thought of that before she chose an asshole to be her mother. => The sister also said Ayala's story has not changed since the => beginning -- and would not change. Now, is "the beginning" when she took the corpse's finger, or when she put it in the chili, or when she flunked out of Remedial Scam School 101? => ``The facts will always be the same,'' she said. ``But the way => they handled it, the way the police put a gun to my niece's head => when the search warrant was served -- they have destroyed my => sister and her family. God will not leave it like this.'' I'm sorry, but Wendy's is not part of God's domain. God only makes the food at White Castle. -- K. God would never make lame chili. When God makes chili, he uses _three_ kinds of canned beans, and the secret ingredient is extra MSG. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 19:20:28 -0400 The chili updates continue. [www.ft.com] -> -> Woman arrested in Wendy's chili finger case -> -> By Jonathan Birchall in New York -> -> Wendy's, the US fast-food chain, said on Friday it was "thrilled" -> by the arrest of a 39-year-old woman who had sought to sue the -> company after claiming to have found a fingertip in a bowl of hot -> beef chili. What would be even more thrilling for them would be if the cops also tortured her. Like, they could strap her down and force-feed her watery chili until she dies of flavorlessness. It could be like "Titicut Follies" except more like "Fingercut Follies". -> The woman, Anna Ayala, has been charged with attempted theft over -> the case, which set a new standard for surrealism in America's -> litigation-prone society. Whoops! This means I'm going to have to replace the seven-volume Official Government Standards For The Manufacture Of Surrealism I bought last month. Damn, it's so hard to keep my surrealism in compliance with all appropriate standards! Do you know how much defective surrealism I have to throw out? -> The company's shares dropped almost 10 per cent in late March -> after Ms Ayala said she had bitten into one of two finger -> fragments, together measuring about 1 1/2 inches long with a -> manicured nail, in San Jose, California. Sales at the company's -> restaurants in the San Francisco Bay area fell by about 30 per -> cent, leading to staff cuts and reduced hours. Here's your headline: STAFF CUTS INVOLVING LOSS OF FINGER Or is that too obvious? Gotta go, my dinner is ready. I'm having real food. Food which, unlike Wendy's chili, wouldn't become _more_ flavorful if I stuck a dirty finger into it. -- K. Are "Titicut Follies" references in bad taste? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:24:08 -0400 'Cause, you know, I made an imaginary promise to keep y'all updated on every single little new detail of the World's Stupidest News Story About Chili So Far This Year. [www.sfgate.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Anna Ayala, 39, was arrested at her Las Vegas home Thursday night -> on a charge of felony attempted grand theft, including a penalty -> enhancement for inflicting more than $2.5 million in losses on -> Wendy's. The chain says its sales have plummeted since Ayala -> reported chomping down on a bit of severed finger in a bowl of -> chili at a San Jose Wendy's one month ago today. "Penalty enhancement". I like that phrase. It's like if hockey had lasers that could stop a fight by vaporizing people. Cool! -> Ayala was also charged with felony grand theft in an unrelated -> case, for allegedly swindling a Spanish-speaking woman out of -> $11,000 by "selling" her a San Jose mobile home that Ayala didn't -> own between September 2002 and November 2003. -> -> Ayala could face more than six years in prison if convicted. But will it be regular prison or enhanced prison? -> [...] -> -> Family friend Ken Bono said officers raided Ayala's home around 9 -> p.m. and caught Ayala alone as she was watching "Meet the Fockers" -> on video. -> -> "I had just left to get some soda at the store, and when I came -> back she was gone and there were cars from the (Las Vegas and San -> Jose) police," said Bono, 23, who lives with Ayala. Now this is reporting! Irrelevant details such as the fact that she chose to watch a Ben Stiller movie with inadequate soda! That's what makes these articles come alive! From now on, I want all other newspaper articles to tell me what mediocre movies people are watching while they're being arrested for being stupid. Hey, was it Ben Stiller's finger? -- K. I heard she came up with her genius chili plan while watching "Heavyweights". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ok,I confess Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 12:26:41 -0400 Vapolluan (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > I watch the sci-fi channel for the Stargate SG-1 reruns.On this particular > channel there are short spots where the "channel" plugs itself..people > turning into elves, and woman that explodes into butterflies, ect, ect, > ect., said spots supposedly representing some sort of surreal tie in with > science fiction > There is one spot, however, that tells me that heads need to roll over in > sci-fi land because there is this spot where a guy sticks his face into a > dogs ass, and must be touching it with his lips because he blows into that > particular port and the dog becomes one of those balloon animals. > Face in dogs ass. > Face in dogs ass. > Face in dogs ass. > > I cannot add anything to this to make it a more gross spot. Really? You can't imagine a sequel where Spot turns back into a regular, uninflated dog by farting a gallon of air in the guy's face? Don't imagine that. > Spot is a dog and yeah he is not allowed but, > > FACE IN DOGS ASS I think GoldenPalace.com just bid a million dollars on eBay for one of those. > WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? WHO IN FLAMING HELL THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A NEAT > "SHORT"- > And dont give me any of that"well see, you remembered it so it worked" > balony. > > FACE IN DOGS ASS. You remembered it, so it worked. Also, you watched a commercial, so you're a bozo who hasn't heard of TiVo. > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH FACE IN DOG'S ASS. Your move. -- K. Maybe Terri will explain what happens if you put face in dog's nus. What _is_ a nus? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another tragic case of there not being any fingers in the food Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 13:20:26 -0400 [www.wnbc.com] -> -> Man Sues Over X-Ray That Led To Cannibalism Allegation -> -> PARSIPPANY, N.J. -- The Newark man who was mistakenly accused -> of cannibalism is suing a doctor and the Newark and Parsippany -> police departments. I sympathize. If I were wrongfully accused of cannibalism, I'd also demand a pound of flesh. -> Victor Salazar and his wife said they suffered embarrassment and -> needed counseling after an X-ray at Immediate Medical Care Center -> in Parsippany last year raised questions about his diet. What, now doctors have become the diet police? -> When a doctor asked if he had eaten any bones, Salazar forgot -> about the soup he had the day before that included pieces of -> chicken feet. -> -> Radiologists and the Morris County medical examiner wondered if the -> film showed bits of finger bones, so police began an investigation. -> -> It was when Newark homicide investigators went to Salazar's home -> that he mentioned the soup. Police took along some chicken from his -> kitchen and X-rayed the feet. Comparisons confirmed Salazar's account. How the hell do you mistake a piece of a chicken foot for a human finger? The only way they could be people fingers would be if he were eating GI Joe, and last I heard, that wasn't illegal, just tasteless... and chewy. -> (c) 2005 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. Uh oh. You published your article. Better hurry up and sue yourself. -- K. The people who make fake veal out of tofu for vegetarians should also make fake humans. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20050414a. Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 21:04:33 -0400 Well, the cyan color from a few weeks ago had faded to the point where it was starting to look a little bluish-green, and I cannot abide colors that can't decide whether they're blue or green. So today I bleached. I wound up with golden hair with a few turquoise patches remaining, and the mustache and beard still had a bunch of blue in them. So, I let it dry and bleached it again. Now I have blond hair and a blond beard, but the mustache is still turquoise. It's odd that when I use orange dye, it fades from the mustache first (possibly because I drink beverages once in a while) but the blue refuses to come out of the mustache. I've had this trouble with blue before. Anyway, it's light enough that hopefully now I can dye everything flame orange and the mustache will just come out a little darker because of this residual turquoise tint. Yes, I'm going back to my "normal" flame orange. I haven't done that in a couple months. I was going to just leave the hair gold for a few days, but I can't have this turquoise mustache, so I'm going to put in the orange dye in a few minutes. I may even add a little extra red color enhancer to the mustache and goatee area to do the orange-hair-with-bloody-goatee effect I'd done a few times last year. Depends on whether the orange alone will be enough to cancel out the turquoise. If all else fails, I'll shave, but I hate having to shave. I'm more willing to shave my head than my beard. I also have a jar of black dye which should conceivably cover anything, but black is boring and would just lead to further problems down the road when I couldn't bleach it out either. I am really starting to understand why Andy Warhol always wore that wig. It's an easier way to get ratty, silly-looking hair than what I've been doing. But I doubt anyone makes wigs in my head size (7 5/8 to 7 3/4.) My head is enormous because I'm the smartest orange-haired goon in the world. -- K. Tattooing my own scalp would probably be too difficult... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hair color update #20050414b. Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:09:35 -0400 Okay, I've got my new hair color installed. I went with a nice hazard orange for most of my head (I've used my special mix of Manic Panic Electric Lava and Electric Banana before to get this color, it's always the brightest thing in the room) but it wasn't covering the turquoise residue in my mustache, so I also mixed in a little Special Effects Hot Lava and Beyond The Zone Crimson Storm to get the mustache/goatee area more of a fluorescent red color. It's a subtle contrast but it adds nicely to the definition of my face (especially since I always leave the eyebrows brown) and it does indeed hide the yecchy turquoise. So now I'm all set for a night on the town. Earlier today a security guard (at the entrance to a state office building I was raiding for tax forms) asked me, "Do you work in a club?" because of the blue hair. Had I been thinking, I would have come up with "No, I work _with_ a club! BAM BAM!!!!" or at least "No, I'm just trying to look like the exact opposite of what you'd expect a terrorist to look like," but of course I just said something nice and honest about how I like having brightly-colored hair, because I am such an honest and open guy. -- K. And then I blew up the building because my hair made me do it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hair color update #20050414a. Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 02:48:46 -0400 "madge" (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Tattooing my own scalp would probably be too difficult... > > Have you considered branding? Yes, but that still doesn't solve the problem of getting anything onto _my_ skin. Now hold still while I dip this coat hanger into that volcano for a second. -- K. Today I met a guy with a zero-gauge septum ring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's not the Boston Public Library, but an incredible simulation Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:42:47 -0400 Something I found via fark.com. [hometownlife.com] -> -> Library cited as gay 'cruising' area -> -> By Lisa Roose-Church -> Daily Press & Argus -> -> Brighton District Library officials are at a loss as to why a Web -> site aimed at homosexual men has listed the library bathroom as a -> place to meet for sex. Because... I mean... DUH!!!! That's like asking why straight people flirt in dog-walking parks, or have sex in airplane restrooms. It's a _library_ -- the YMCA of the mind! Sheesh, I thought librarians were supposed to understand gay people. After all, all librarians are gay, even if not in the sexual-orientation way. On the MMPI, answering "true" to "I would enjoy working as a librarian" used to count towards being gay before gayness became okay in psychiatrists' offices. -> Library Director Charlene Huget said Wednesday the posting was -> discovered by someone outside the library who notified library -> officials. "WARNING! YOUR LIBRARY IS GAY! THE EVIL FAGS HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR LIBRARY! I DISCOVERED THAT WHEN I WAS CHECKING OUT THIS GAY PORN SEX CRUISING GAY SITE SOLELY BECAUSE I HATE IT!" -> It appears that the link proclaiming the library's washrooms as a -> "cruising" place has been on the Web site for a couple of months, -> Huget said. It appeared someone e-mailed the site regarding the -> restrooms in December and January, "but there haven't been any -> postings since," she said. -> -> "It was quite an unpleasant surprise," Huget said. "We've notified -> the police, and we've also notified this Web site that the local -> police department has been contacted and they are monitoring the -> location." Yeah, I'm sure the police have nothing better to do than to keep our nation's libraries hetero. -> The Web site -- www.squirt.org -- states it is "your neighborhood -> cruising guide" and boasts it lists more than "15,000 locations -> where gay and bisexual guys meet for sex." The Web site lists -> saunas, bathhouses, adult bookstores, adult video arcades, adult -> cinemas, gay sex clubs, tearooms, cottages, parks, nude beaches, -> truck stops, rest areas and restrooms. And all of those are the most romantic, erotic areas possible. Except for cottages. Nothing romantic about a cottage with a fireplace and a bear-skin rug. But a gas station restroom, that must be one hell of a sexy place if the graffiti I've read is scientifically accurate. -> It also lists other locations in Livingston County, including -> unidentified "state land" and a Howell carpool lot as cruising -> spots, as well as an area called "Exit 137 at 147," which is not -> further defined. Gay people have their own highway-numbering an exit-numbering system. You have to buy a special gay highway map from the vending machine in the gay gas station's gay restroom. Or look it up in the gay library's gay microfilm viewer when you're checking out gay microsmutfilms. -> Huget said no sexual activity has been discovered in the Brighton -> library's restrooms. And I bet they don't think anyone's ever Xeroxed their butt, either. -> Attempts by the Daily Press & Argus to send a Web message to the -> creator of the Web site for comment were unsuccessful. -> -> Huget said the discovery has been "disheartening" for library -> staff who are professionals, proud of all the library programs -> offered. "Dammit, our library is supposed to be a terribly unerotic place! Quick, give all the librarians bigger gray beehive hairdos!" -> "It casts a negative light," Huget said. "We'll do everything in -> our power to make sure that we keep a close eye on things. There -> is nothing going on (at the library) that would endanger people -> who come in." Gay people are unafraid of the library's negative light rays! To scare them off, you really need positive dark rays, or Tampa Devil Rays. -> Library officials posted a message on the Web site's message board -> asking site creators to take the library name and link off its Web -> site, Huget said. The message stated that the police had been -> notified and are "monitoring" the situation. -> -> Not surprisingly, the library has not had a response to its -> request. Huget said she is not sure if the site has complied with -> the request because "no one at the library wants to log onto the -> Web site." Someone should go to that library and ask the reference librarian for everything they know about Gore Vidal, Oscar Wilde, and Mapplethorpe, just to see them squirm. Better yet, ask, "What's the title of that stupid Al Pacino movie where he goes undercover as a leatherman?" -> The Daily Press & Argus learned the Brighton Library link was on -> the Web site as of Wednesday. -> -> Huget said no illicit activity has ever been observed at the -> library. Here's what the library should do. Those Tattle-Tape(tm) brand strips they stick in the spines of all the books? The ones that prevent all book theft, allowing the library's security guards to just stand there looking sleepy all day? Whenever a gay guy enters the library, put a Tattle-Tape(tm) strip on his penis. Then just set up automated sex detectors in all the toilet stalls. -> "All we can do is tell people the bathrooms are being monitored -> and anyone engaging in illicit behavior is risking prosecution," -> Huget said. I know public sex is already illegal, but perhaps we should change the law so that cruising is also illegal. No gay guy should ever be allowed to look another guy up and down as they walk past each other on the sidewalk. Hey, don't blame me. That's what "cruising" is. I might have respect this newspaper article if it had said the librarians of the world were trying to ban "fucking", especially if there were photographs of librarians saying the word "fucking". -- K. Maybe the library could try a "brown leather only" policy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's not the Boston Public Library, but an incredible simulation Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 19:09:55 -0400 Raoul Vandelayer (thefishof@yourbrother.raoul) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Maybe the library could try a "brown leather only" policy. > > The only people who wear brown leather are World War II re-enactors. Fonzie is _not_ a Nazi! Just 'cause it almost rhymes doesn't make it true. On the other hand, Potsie is a Nazi 'cause that really does rhyme. It rhymes good enough to hold up in World Court. > I suppose some of them are gay, but none of them ever go near a > library because you can't even fire blanks in there. But they have to go to the library to look themselves up in the big books of uniforms of the Third Reich. I just saw, for sale on eBay, the first volume of a three-volume set exhaustively documenting all the styles of Nazi police uniforms. I would be more interested in reading a biography of whatever ultra-German Nazi guy was given the responsibility for designing three volumes' worth of different police uniforms during that brief period. He must have been, like, the world's biggest fashion Nazi. If there's one thing Germans know how to do, it's to write regulations concerning the treatment of corners on police uniforms. I hear that if you ever report for duty with your zipper open, you can be shot on sight. And heaven help you if you ever try to wear a pistol belt that's not designed so that the pretty buckle covers up the functional buckle and the outer layer of the belt covers the layer with the holes in it because if the holes showed they'd make your belt look asymmetrical and then you'd be taken to German Belt Jail and belt-whipped and then shot and then deported and your widow would be sent some paperwork she'd have to fill out before she'd be allowed to pay for the bullet. Germans are very special people. But I love their food. It has meat in it! -- K. Most American chefs think you make a Wiener schnitzel with a hot dog. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:59:59 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 3.) Uniforms may not have any logos or names on them other than the > > team's and the player's. The sole exception will be that all the > > gay players will be permitted to wear pride-flag patches, but > > at gay sporting events (the Gay Games, doubles luge, figure skating) > > only the straight people will be allowed to wear little > > "I'M STRAIGHT" patches. > > Is there a recognized straight symbol for straight people Just > Visiting at gay events or locales? Yes, it's called a "girlfriend". > Not that I'd want one. Me neither. > Getting hit on by a guy is less creepy than never getting hit on > ever is depressing. It's easier, too. If you don't go that way, all you have to do is just not return the eye contact when someone's cruising you. See, men know how to communicate a lot to each other without even saying anything. Gay guys have evolved beyond the need to say "no". They just ignore you when you try to lock eyes with them. They gotta be able to blow past you and move on to the next challenge within three seconds. There are also the more traditional flirty-style approaches, and pick-up lines, and the leatherman pointing at where he wants you to be, but the most common approach (at least in my neck of the woods) is the cruisy look, followed by you either avoiding the gaze or returning it. Hot tip: Don't go to the bar if you look like Marty Feldman -- one side of your body will wind up going on a gay date while the other stays home and watches auto racing. > Also, do gay bars have separate restrooms for pitchers and catchers? No, because no building has more than two restrooms, and they have to reserve one for fag hags. Also, you really don't want to piss off the guy whose job it is to keep two people from ever going into the stall together. Trust me, he's an expert at hurting people. I'll tell him you said hi. > And when you dance, whose feet get stepped on? I don't know, I don't do that either, and if I did, I wouldn't step on anyone's feet, unless they asked me to. > Does Leap Year work the same way? It's "leapfrog" that doesn't work the same way, at least if your idea of gay people comes entirely from Benny Hill. -- K. I did get my feet stepped on a lot last week, but that's another topic. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 03:54:06 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] If you don't go that way, all you have to do is > > just not return the eye contact when someone's cruising you. > > I think I was silently cruised, or at least gaydar-pinged, in > Atlanta. Someone was staring at me for like ten seconds. That > doesn't happen usually. The alternate explanation, that he'd never > seen an albino before, was unlikely for two reasons: first, people > who stare for that reason try to make it look like they're not > looking. Second, I was at a NOAH conference, and was one of many > magical white-haired people travelling in a pack. Some people do just stare at you for no reason sometimes no matter what you look like. He coulda been cruising you, or he coulda just been a jerk. Basically, the only yardstick I can give you as to whether he was cruising you is whether he looked like he was admiring you, or whether he was just fixated on you in that worried way that people who stare at strangers on the subway seem to do ("WHAT'S HE PLOTTING? HE LOOKS DIFFERENT FROM ME, THEREFORE HE MUST BE OUT TO KNIFE ME!") If he was staring at your butt, then he was definitely cruising you, unless you were farting brown clouds, in which case you're gross for even _thinking_ about farting brown clouds. > > [...] Also, you really don't want to piss off the > > guy whose job it is to keep two people from ever going into the stall > > together. Trust me, he's an expert at hurting people. I'll tell him > > you said hi. > > I suppose then you also won't be able to tell me whether glory holes > cost much, or pay well. I was going to ask Lots42 that anyway. I dunno, I've never seen a glory hole outside of a construction site. Thursdays at my local hangout are usually pretty dead, but today the Red Sox had just played their first night home game of the season, so the club was full of guys who were _really_ drunk, and generally late- middle-aged and creepy-looking (I don't mean to imply they were creepy because they were middle-aged, I mean they were hideous in addition to being middle-aged.) Somehow we not only got an after-game crowd of drunks dumped on us, and they all came out uglytastic. I'm not usually big on judging people by their appearance, but really, the club was packed with falling-down-drunk obnoxious uglies. If they had been non-ugly they would have still been repulsive 'cause they were so drunk. We're talking invasion of the Andy Capps. I don't usually see people actually getting bounced. You gotta be pretty obnoxious to get frog- marched out of a leather bar on "permissive dress code" night. I and the only other two extremely handsome, sober patrons in the place spent the evening talking to the aforementioned muscular guy who would snap your spine if he caught you drilling a glory hole in the restroom. If this happens again, I'll ask him your glory hole question. How crunchy is your spine? -- K. He's taught me a few new ways to kill someone with a single blow. Seems like evolution overdesigned humans if there's more than one way to do that. In a perfect world, humans would have one and only one destruct button, like the "Z-spot" on "Power Rangers". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: sports (was: "Mork & Mindy") Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 20:00:46 -0400 "TeaLady (Mari C.)" (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] but really, the club was packed with falling-down-drunk > > obnoxious uglies. If they had been non-ugly they would have > > still been repulsive 'cause they were so drunk. > > Is it just me, or do people actually get uglier the drunker > they are ?? I've noticed that some fairly ok, event sorta- > good, looking people turn into beyond-butt-ugly hideous swamp > creatures after reaching the slurred speech and wobbly knees > stage of drunk. And get even worse as they head for the > blacking out in a stall while puking stage. All the facial muscles sag and lumpify as people intoxicate themselves. Anyone sufficiently drunk starts to look like a cross between The Incredible Melting Ted Kennedy and The Half-Baked Elephant Man. They also seem to age about ten years per drink. And towards closing time, their pores are so big their head looks like a Wiffle ball filled with pureed dirty old man. > And horny drunk guys get the ugliest of all, 'cause they are > trying to look hot and sexy and their leers just slip down > their chins into their chests and the jackass ears spring up > in place of other things they think are springing up, but > aren't, 'cause they are way too drunk. It's worse when it's the sort of place where shirts are optional, so you get drunk guys fondling their own nipples while they leer at you, sometimes while licking their lips. Last night there was even one cretin with his hand down his pants. Basically, I'm completely repelled by any human whose idea of socializing is to get so drunk that they start acting like the chimps in the zoo. It's not normally like that at this hangout, it's just that the early-in-the-season night-time home opener dumped a bunch of drunken sports fans on us. Most of the sports bars had been reserved for private parties, so I'm thinking some of these people just wandered into the mysterious unmarked bar in between the sports bars without having a clue, or maybe they didn't care as long as they could keep pounding down the drinks. It's the sort of place where normally most of the people there know each other (as you'd expect from the fact that it's an unmarked building!) so it's really unusual to see Guys Who Don't Belong, especially in large numbers. The regulars were not happy to see so many drunken, leering creeps who only come to the club when their team has just won. (They must tell their wives, "I'll be home after the game if the Sox lose, but if they win I'm going to go gay.") Why couldn't they cancel the baseball season instead of the hockey season? > Do gay guys talk about putting paper sacks on the heads of > guys with great bodies and awful faces, the way some (or even > most/all/every damned one) straight guys do? I dunno. I don't even know if glory holes are real. If they are, that would answer your question. Try asking at your local library's reference desk, or possibly under it. -- K. Also, they're not paper sacks, they're green plastic Army sandb-- never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bahn's Law Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 04:05:05 -0400 Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > [...] > > For most tasks, the CPU is not the bottleneck. DORK DORK DORK DORK-A-DEE-DORK DEEDLE-DEE-DORK-A-RONI DORK DORK DORRRRRRRK > Unless you're doing video processing or gaming, you'll probably > spend most of your time waiting for the disk, waiting for the net > connection, or waiting for pages to be sent to and from the disk > because you were a moron and didn't buy enough RAM, and now Windows > thinks it would be fun to make the little light on the front glow > solid green. No, I will probably spend most of my time sleeping, eating, watching TV, shopping, and reading old sci-fi novels in the bathtub. Oh, and dating, which sometimes counts 'cause I don't always bring my 'puter along on dates. But my point is that I don't use my computer 24 hours a day the way you dorks with good computers do. > You just don't need that much compute power to view the average > Word document or to compose an email. You do if, like me, your prose is so brainy it can melt anything with an IQ below 1400. > So, in conclusion, buy more RAM, faster disks, and upgrade > your ISP. But what's wrong with WebTV? -- K. What's a gaming? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: truncated subject lines are Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 14:24:48 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > like most people, I do not use a 2048 x 1536 screen for reading mail. You should get one. Then you'd be able to see all the incredible detail in between those two spaces after your first name. There's a tiny invisible civilization evolving in that InterSpace. > so, of course, long subject lines in emails get truncated, which can, > of course, become amusing. I think what your sentence is a musing. To guarantee that it is amusing, however, you should add something like "...in bed!" "...and then he died!" "...free beer!" "...without mercy!" You know the drill. Excuse me, you know THE DRILL THE CLOWN. > this morning at work, I received the following email: > > WATER IN MEN'S RESTROOM HAS BEE The problem is that when you fill the toilet with liquid bumblebees, every time you flush, all the yellow and black get blended together into a sort of mud color. Liquid bumblebees should never be stirred because once those stripes get mixed together you just have something that looks no different from the liquid cockroaches they sell at Dunkin' Donuts. -- K. "...with nuts!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To David Delaney Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 19:25:11 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > OK I agree there are a lot of fem-hating gay men. God knows there are > plenty of man-hating gay and straight women. > > But since we had this debate, David Sedaris has answered a letter I > wrote to him (and said my letter was well written) HE'S HITTING ON YOU! RUN! Next thing I know, you'll be having a three-way with David Sedaris and Jim Knipfel. And then a four-way with Dennis Miller. Your essayist fetish is okay by me, though I don't care to write you a thousand words why. And I don't want to be there when Dennis Miller finds Andy Rooney living in your crawlspace. > and Kibo has come out to himself and us. > > So I still think there is a significant segment of the gay population > that would be preferable to the current crowd at running the world. I don't think a world run by the Velvet Mafia would be fun. Unless you're trying to turn the topic back to how all Yakuza are gay, bi, kinky, or robotic (and remember, all robots are gay.) When the Velvet Yakuza take over the world, 50% of the population will be Yakuza and the other 50% will be their tattoists, and people will be finding a lot more fingers in their chili. > OK, this discussion lasted about 2 posts and has been dormant for about > 5 years, in case you have no idea what I am talking about. > > To which I say, as an aside, what else is new. Who are you again? -- K. And why aren't I Andy Rooney? I deserve his stupid job, dammit. I can drone on and on about E/N topics just like him, plus I can fit into an even smaller crawlspace. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To David Delaney Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 20:45:43 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Your essayist fetish is okay by me, though I don't care to write > > you a thousand words why. > > That's OK. If I want to read a thousand-word essay by Kibo, I believe > the opportunity will arise, if I am not too picky about the topic. And > if a word-salad writing style doesnt distract me. A purple green lemon nougat thing has walls around leftover sherbet. What sherbet would Bert wart if Bert's warts were wet? Lemon nougat without drops. Chocolate drops. Turkey balls. Fish flame fell down the log flume into pantsless Pete's spinning nougat. His nougat's spinning dizzied dampless pants. Pronto photo lab retriever jingled Barclaycard's Barclay's beets, sugar sugar, lemon nougat without more drops. It smells. My favorite letter is "nougat" but word turd not frequently seen on the silver screen meme cantilevered cantaloupe. If a cantaloupe, no one can. Whee whee whee whee whee said the Benny Hill. He died and so can you in cars. Undersecretary pants command last respects. If purple then lemon not nougat, green walls with balls of haughty, fa la la la la la la la linoleum, cantaloupe linoleum, not nougat now. If I get stuck give me a push. Remote controlled cars are far but faster is liquor. Unhinge, unhinge, dirigible linoleum with cantaloupe nougat overhanging underhanded Pete. Where Pete comes in. Never ignore Pete's potential. Him in Jell-O. Small concern of mine if remote controlled cantaloupe falls on turkey balls. The turkeys gobble up when the walls fall down, the turkeys gobble down with a hi-de-ho. Hello, ho! This is all about my nougat. Smell the smell that favors well the way to tell the sea to sell the sheets you sell that smell like hell, Pete Benny Bell. Pat the bunny, I said pat the bunny or go to hell. Rancidities. Langour. Art and Garfunkel. And and and and. The Fentons' credenza lends a camphor elegance to flaming nougat turds. Cram it, clown lips. Particles smaller than nougat can't wake the walls, cannot hear them all but eat well like a tuba. Eat well like two tubas or don't tuba at all. Squeeze the tuba from the bottom. Tuba paste goes in your ear and sounds minty loud. Angry loud, you clod. The magnetic void of nougat misses the mark when it first comes to play, with a hey-nonny-hey and balls of linoleum's arty cans. Man. If I should die before a nougat, I eat the Lord and the fish he bake. Crispy critters Jell-O the dotted Q, "bouquet" of Q, boo-hoo. Femtovirus head. Inner thoughts relaxing in the pool where chocolate drops but can't flush, by Barclaycard melted in the breeze, dinner burnt by force of law. Haw law, haw law, haw law, haw law, haw haw doe law, burn the doe law, law the burn doe, Joe the Don Doe, burn Joe the Don Doe Baker. Eat God at Joe's. Tissues and scraps and fish flames in the photo jingler's jungle gyne, Spirographing across the land of Dairy Clone. A single vowel holds no water unless wet, and everything is too wet to be wet unless dry. Dry is a lie. Scams are tubas that don't play. Eat the tuba, eat the tuba. Tuba on you. You the tuba, you the nougat, free at last, coupons on Friday. Dum-da-dum-dum. Book 'em, dictionary. Cranky old world. If eat the when, wind the walls, blow the balloon with new nougat. Nuclear cat on the mat! Don't eat the cat! Sandwiches never lie, never ugnore Pete's retential. Pete has a shoes. Q and Pete went to the alphabet to buy a woodwich. But she was a badwich. Lasers for hair and feet for heads, slimy like a rained-out elastic waste land. Boinggggg! It's Richard Simmons again. Obviously not. Nobody can. Take my letter away. It's not a Q it's not a nougat it's blue and not tree. Spank spank spankity flank. Roooooooooopa vieja! Camisole with butter nougat and no Pete Bunny and his dots. Stop dotting the T's. Ingle jungle English riding jungle grime. It's a gas, Dan. Marie's last resport cancelled all credit curds lax operative, dial tree to get out. Put on baggy pants and bark. Barking rad. Smamop top of the topic tree, spam spam look at me. If ever we needed a now, then we don't need it when. Russell Crowe is an asshole. Masters and Johnson shine their shoes with love. Love is a tuba of fun but fun burns the law. Dum-da-dum-dum, Joe Don Friday burned the tar. Burn the tar in Tarvard Yard, you nard. If there's a will, there's a wall. There's a wall on. Now is the time for all good menials to come to the yard in their panties. Spirograph that to Headquarters, chief. Rigorously wiggle that squiggle through the land of Dairy Green. Remote controlled food basters blasting up the lawn, you kids get off my dinner. Dinner duper dee winner, deedle dee, deedle die. Eat dinner and die. Manly bannisters fancy canisters lance Armstrong's landing pad where he left nut. Do the mighty dance. Rewind, rewind, be hind. Nougat sees where it bleeds but a cat goes where it knows. Always clean the letterbox. Vowels stick to the roof of your house. Twerps! Softer and redder but tastes like plastic because sharp fox can't stop from living the dinner. Never live over the dinner but under. Flaxen wared naughties in their canties hell got a snail, look how nobody eats panties under there. Benny Hill of cantaloupe flame nailed the headboard to the west wing. Flap flap floppity flap up your uncle Bub. Wuggity woob woobler goob, smerp smerp spoip gloop gleep cancer, there's always your answer. Of course it's illegal in your estate. Cantaberous aspirin and soylent asbestos from the master asbestor poison the nougat for lax, whence what stopped can't wind racks. Effectually simmering the slimming Simmons for his snacks, whack whack, don't grow back. Tongue salad, no nuts. Hands off my arms. Buster you face. Underhandable evil Maalox a mess. For every action there is area traction. Of course it's a spasm of a different molar. Core lunt spied on Benny's hollow hill for the cookies and Keebled it up good. This was only a tesseract. -- K. I can do anything on a dare. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To David Delaney Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 03:15:13 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Oh yes _pleaze_. At least people who DEALT when they were small with being > > different from others around them have some idea that a) there ARE others > > around them, and not just faceless masses put in to serve as background > > filler and b) the others around them may want -different things- and have > > -different ideas- than them without being totally wrong and hateful. > > I think I am in lurv with a gay man. I hope you don't mean me. After that drunken straight guy kept hitting on me tonight (while telling me a joke about naked women and telling me a few times how incredibly straight he is) I don't think I could take also having a straight woman coming on to me. Can't we pair you up with a lesbian to cancel you out? Then I would be free to go fetch the straight guy who wanted to date me and do some scientific tests on him. Three ways to spot straight guys who wandered into the leather bar after the baseball game: 1. You talk to some random interesting guy for three minutes, then you go your separate ways, then straight guy approaches you and asks, "Hey, where's your boyfriend?" 2. Straight guy compliments you on your leather clothes as if he's never seen leather clothes before, despite there being at least twenty other people there in full leather. 3. Straight guy gets stopped by the bouncer when they try to bring their girlfriend into the back room. Dear straight people, could you please try from now on not to be so drunk and stupid that you can't tell when you're in a gay bar? Gay people don't accidentally toddle into _your_ bars. Still, at least this explains homophobia, since a single baseball game can get a straight guy drunk enough to go into the wrong bar where they might get recruited. EVERYONE IS NINE INNINGS FROM GAY! -- K. How could you not turn gay after spending three hours staring at Johnny Damon? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To David Delaney Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 01:34:58 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear straight people, could you please try from now on not to be > > so drunk and stupid that you can't tell when you're in a gay bar? > > Gay people don't accidentally toddle into _your_ bars. > > You live on a different plane of existence than the rest of us, Keeb. > Gay people toddle into all sorts of places they're not supposed to. I said "accidentally". Gay people only intrude into other people's sanctuaries on purpose. It's straight people who just get drunk and then wonder why there aren't any women around after they stumble into an unmarked bar with blacked-out windows. > Don't you watch National Lampoon movies? No, but today I watched "Uzumaki". What I learned was that you should never, ever pour ten boxes of Instant Cinnamon Swirl Bun Mix into any top-loading washing machine you've just climbed into. And if you do, don't leave your video camera pointed away from the washing machine, because we want to see the magic happen, okay? Also, for added effect, be sure to put a giant-size Cootie tongue in your mouth, not a Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue. Wait a sec, I have seen "National Lampoon's Animal House" about eight or nine times. Are you implying that the subtext of the nightclub scene was that all clueless white guys are gay and all big, threatening black guys are straight? -- K. I hear the new special edition DVD has a scene where D-Day gets it on with Tyler Labine as John Belushi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To David Delaney Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 12:55:27 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > I think I am in lurv with a gay man. > > I hope you don't mean me. [...] > > I lurv a lot of "unavailable" people. I've been there. Fortunately, I _am_ available in case you want to try to de-cruit me. Fat chance, though. > I am already hetero-paired. So? It doesn't count as cheating as long as the type of relationship you have with the extra person is even slightly different than the type of relationship you have with your husband. Like, there are a lot of guys who are married to women but cheat on them with guys. And there are a lot of guys who are married to guys but they permit each other to have relationships with other people with the understanding that they won't pursue the relationships very far. > I am about as hetero as a person can be. 90%, eh? > I absolutely love men. *All* of you. However, one can only f*ck > one at a time and some one cant f*ck at all. That's not love, that's sex. Whole 'nother ballgame. And then there are other ways to bond intimately which are not love or sex per se. Also, sensitive, non-Neanderthalish hetero guys have started accepting the idea that two straight guys can get together to go to a museum or Christmas shopping or whatever. Used to be the only way two straight guys could hang out together was if they went to a baseball game or Cheers. But a lot of guys now understand the concept that there are different types and levels of friendship so just having a platonic friendship with a guy doesn't automatically make you gay. It works the other way too -- most gay guys understand that they can have some friends they hang out with, some friends they have sex with, some friends they have romantic feelings with, etc., so it wouldn't be impossible for you to get together with a gay guy to help you shop for a new wig. (He'll stop you from making the same mistake twice.) Not everyone can handle the idea that "Want to go bowling tomorrow?" is not the same question as "Want to go bowling tomorrow, and then have sex, and then commit to doing it again every day?" At first it seems like some sort of nametag system to mark people "LOOKING FOR A FRIEND", "LOOKING FOR SEX", and "LOOKING FOR LOVE" might help, but the problem is you can be in all three modes the same time depending on who you meet. If you want to go bowling, let me know. > Good thing you are all so interesting in other ways. > > How could you not turn gay after spending three hours staring > > at Johnny Damon? > > I sure didnt. > > That man is hawt. Newbury Comics sells life-size cutouts of him. They have one propped up right next to Chewbacca, and the way you tell them apart is that only one of them is holding a laser crossbow. They also have a Darth Vader cutout, but I don't remember David Prowse being so much shorter than me. Ever notice that they scale all these cutouts to the same height? Let's hope they never do one for Danny DeVito. His head would be the size of a beanbag chair. -- K. Want to go bowling with Danny DeVito's head? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stuck in the elevator: A Very Creepy Coincidence Date: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 20:08:47 -0400 Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > Another "I wish I could *make up* stuff like this" moment at work: > > I got stuck in an elevator at work today. Worst Penthouse Forum letter ever. > No biggie, it has happened before. Okay, it just got worse. CANCEL MY IMAGINARY SUBSCRIPTION. > I messed around with the buttons for a while, and the elevator seemed to go > up or down a few feet once in a while but it became clear that I was not > going to get off so easily, so to speak. I thought that, as sometimes > happens, someone would press the button on another floor, and the elevator > would go up to that floor and let me out, but then I realized that this was > a service elevator that almost nobody uses, so I might wait some time indeed > for this to happen. And why did you choose to use the elevator that everyone else avoids using? Did it have a different amount of urine odor than the regular one? > So I picked up the emergency phone, which was conveniently located right > there in the elevator. > > I cannot remember whether the university police someone in physical plant > answered, but I figured I might have a bit of fun. I wanted to make this > person to think that I was about to go completely batshit. > > "Umm, could you s-send someone to g-get me out of this...this elevator > please ma'am? Please? I'm stuck in this elevator..." > > "Okay Sir, stay calm, we'll have someone right out there to let you out." > > "Please. Just tell them to hurry." > > "Sir, you are in elevator 11 of the Academic Facility, is that correct?" > > "ACFAC? Maybe. I think so. I'm not sure. I don't KNOW what building, > ma'am. It just says elevator 11 here. Just tell them to hurry!" > > Fortunately, I had a newspaper with me, so I sat down on the floor for what > I expected would be maybe a 20-minute wait. It's never that long. It only takes the security guard a minute or two to hunt down the keys to unlock the secret button that floods the elevator with poison gas so you won't sue. In the rare event that you survive the gas, you wake up in The Village. > No such luck: It got even better. I had read only a few paragraphs into an > article when the elevator started going up. > > "Damn, that was some quick response!" I thought. > > The elevator opened on the fifth floor, and there was a dude waiting there > with something on a big ole cart. > > "I KNOW YOU!" the guy said. > > "I KNOW *YOU*!" I said to him. "What's up, Alvin?!" > > "Nick! Where the fuck have *you* been, man?!" > > Alvin is a guy I used to work with on occasion, when I was helping run the > Gross Anatomy Lab at UIC, up until about four years ago. He works for the > Anatomical Gift Association. He used to deliver the cadavers to us at UIC > and together we would take them upstairs from the docks to the Gross lab. > > On the cart was a cadaver. > > He was there to remove the dissected cadaver from *this* Gross Anatomy lab, > to deliver for cremation at some funeral home out on the West Side, near > where I live. > > So picked up the phone and cancelled the service call while Al and I rode > the elevator down with the cadaver, and I helped him load it (the cadaver, > not the elevator) into his van. Then we hung out for a while and shot the > shit. Wait, wait, wait. You had a handy cadaver to play with and yet you cancelled the emergency call rather than just tossing the cadaver into the elevator to freak out the rescue squad like any normal sicko would have? What's not wrong with you? -- K. You'll never get this published in Penthouse Cannibal Forum without a major rewrite. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: California prison guards are good at finding elves Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2005 14:13:39 -0400 [www.sfgate.com] -> -> Prisons order end to using word-puzzles as training -> -> By Don Thompson, Associated Press Writer -> -> (04-15) 19:09 PDT SACRAMENTO, (AP) -- -> -> Prison officials ordered an end to using word puzzles as a -> substitute for guard training Friday after an assemblyman -> questioned how finding hidden words such as "elf," "snow" and -> "gingerbread" prepared officers to handle dangerous inmates. Well, see, your typical serial killer might have an elf hidden up his ass. Don't ask where the gingerbread fits in. -> Guards at some prisons were told they could get nearly a quarter -> of their annual training by completing word search and crossword -> puzzles on the job. It's not as if they have anything better to do. Come to think of it, why do we even need prison guards at all? Does California have non-locking jail cells? On the honor system? -> Correctional officers are supposed to receive 52 hours of training -> each year in such things as firearms, use of force, and -> transporting inmates. Forty hours are hands-on, but prison -> spokesmen said a union contract that took effect last July -> required the remaining 12 hours be spent studying bulletins with -> policy changes, administrative directives -- and puzzles. Attention, anyone who has ever done a crossword puzzle. You are now a prison guard. Report to me at 0600 hours. -> One exercise required guards to find the names of professional -> football teams hidden among a jumble of letters: "Complete the -> word find puzzle below and submit it ... to receive one hour ... -> credit. Good luck and have fun!" How can a prison guard possibly have any fun when no beatdown is involved? -> "It's unbelievable what they're doing," Assemblyman Rudy Bermudez, -> D-Norwalk, said a day after the practice became known in a -> committee he chairs. "Just totally unacceptable." They should at least also demonstrate some proficiency at skee-ball and Gnip Gnop. -> Bermudez, a parole officer who is a member of the powerful -> California Correctional Peace Officers Association that has been -> fighting with corrections leaders, has been using his committee to -> investigate prison practices. NO NO NO! NOT ALLOWED! HE CANNOT INVESTIGATE PRISON PRACTICES BECAUSE THERE ARE NO PRISONS IN CALIFORNIA! THEY ARE CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES, NOT PRISONS! AND THEY ARE NOT GUARDS, THEY ARE PEACE OFFICERS! THESE ARE NOT CAPITALS, THEY ARE VOLUME-ENHANCED FUN LETTERS! -> In a memo Friday, two Corrections Department chief deputy -> directors said the puzzles can still be included, but can no -> longer be considered part of the training program or completed to -> earn training credit. What if a guard is caught asking a prisoner to help him find Santa? -> Guards were given the bulletins and told to read them or complete -> the puzzles while on duty guarding inmates, said Bermudez. Guards -> need hands-on training, he said, noting that the prison system's -> inspector general included ill-training as an element in the Jan. -> 10 murder of a guard at the California Institution for Men in Chino. Eh, Men In Leather could kick the Men In Chinos' shiny asses any day. -> A union spokesman blamed the puzzle practice on a lack of funding -> for real training. -> -> "They woefully underfunded for it, and that means they're going to -> continue doing word searches and handwriting exercises," said -> union Vice President Lance Corcoran. Handwriting exercises? I always knew there were some jobs that didn't require a high school diploma, but I didn't know there were ones for people who hadn't finished grade school. Dear Mr. Prison Guard, can you point to the triangle? And which is bigger, this nickel or this dime? -- WARNING, IT'S A TRICK QUESTION! Meanwhile, far from the prison, over at Ding Dong School, Miss Frances is showing the kids how to fire a Taser into a perp's eye. -> [...] -> -> Woodford blamed the staffing shortage on the remote areas where -> many prisons are located, and the high cost of living near other -> prisons. -> -> But Corcoran blamed the decision to postpone guard training -> classes. -> -> "It's a manufactured crisis, as usual," Corcoran said. "They shut -> the academy down. Duh!" Wait. This reporter has failed. Any serious reporter would have indicated whether the guy said "Duh!" in a sarcastic tone of voice or an imbecilic tone of voice. Now I don't know what to think! I NEED TO KNOW ALL ABOUT "DUH"! -> The developments come the same week the department abruptly ended -> a yearlong experiment in sending parole violators to halfway -> houses and drug treatment centers instead of back to prison, and -> as national health experts complained prison health care -> conditions are so bad that inmates are dying of neglect or -> maltreatment. Prison guards receive word-search training, inmate found circled to death. -- K. Duh! <-- THIS TYPE OF "DUH" IS AIR-TIGHT PROOF THAT I AM SMARTER THAN YOU. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Universe Isn't Infinite Wake up sucker Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 23:10:21 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Shure ..no system can replicate or recycle 100 % of its energy. > 100 % of the energy inside the universe came from outside the universe > and is still inside the universe. > As soon as I say God you got stupid. > The universe sis on Gods finger and the firmement is dark energy. > Befor you understand the trip to heaven is a carbon atom from your DNA > with all you know recorded on it Nuh-uh. It's a plutonium atom. Sheesh, you don't even know what Archimedes Plutonium knows. You might want to consider taking a job as a human dishwasher until you learn about the atom that runs your brain. > you decided no one can define the soul > , but Dna is the copier wile the brain the player recorder of its own > shape. So when my Silly Putty picks up pictures from the funny pages, is it doing that with its DNA or its brain? Did you know that if you hit Silly Putty with a hammer, it will shatter? Also, if you break all your crayons in half, you'll have twice as many, allowing you to disprove Einstein's Law Of Conservation Of Crayola. > Jesus put his carbon atom on your DNA and you copie thm boath onto evry > atom of carbon of dna. Again, nuh-uh. I already said it was a plutonium atom. You really should read my replies before you post the articles to which I reply. > The trip to heaven is a carnon atom changing > states in the event horisen of the black hole ..another halo . I'm not sure how you feel the game "Halo" and the movie "Carnosaur" fit into your theory. Have you considered working the TV series "Supernanny" into it to fill that gap? > God lauphs at you because your so fucking stupid. I appreciate you basing your entire theory on Benny Hill's sketch about the writer whose typewriter had the "f" and "p" keys switched, you raving foop, but still, I'd rather see an episode of "The Goodies" any day. Does your theory include the one about the giant kitten knocking over the Post Office Tower somewhere in your theory, or at least the one about them breeding millions of Rolf Harrises in captivity? I bet you've never even gotten _one_ Rolf Harris pregnant. > Where te new earth ill be and the streets of gold are as clear as > glass. > > heven is within the laws of physics as holograpic life forms. Yeah, so? I'm smarter than you because I have _three_ magic atoms in my brain instead of one. -- K. Your theory can't even explain why I'm wasting my time talking to you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the TV that's currently on TV on my TV Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 02:35:22 -0400 So, as for "24"... Usually the moral of "24" is that terrorism is no big deal because even a single secret agent can prevent twenty-four different terrorist acts in one day by travelling around one city torturing a different enemy, friend, or bystander every hour until they confess where the bomb is hidden. I think they got tired of just doing that _ordinary_ pro-torture moral, so tonight they upped the ante. Tonight's episode of "24" took the position that a single secret agent can prevent twenty-four different terrorist acts in one day by travelling around one city torturing a different enemy, friend, or bystander every hour until they confess where the bomb is hidden, UNLESS THOSE EVIL MEANIES FROM AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL ARE UNWITTING PAWNS OF THE TERRORISTS AND PREVENT US FROM RIGHTFULLY TORTURING THE TERRORISTS' ACCOMPLICES. I'm not kidding. Tonight's episode took a firm anti-Amnesty International stance. (They cleverly disguised it as "Amnesty Global", but I saw right through that ruse.) So now the show has shifted from being pro- government-torture to being anti- anti-torture-charities. Wow. I think that Captain Picard needs to beam over to "24" and give Jack Bauer a stern talking-to. Torture advocacy generally does not belong in light entertainment. Unless it's from Japan, Finland, or one of those Kilgore Trout planets. One has to wonder what the writers of "24" have against Amnesty International. It's not like they're run by Sally Struthers or anything. Or those bastards from Easter Seals. -- K. Of course, the people behind "24" won't be reading my complaints, 'cause they're too busy fingering their "WWJWD?" bracelets while chanting, "What Would Jack Webb Do?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the TV that's currently on TV on my TV Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 14:33:03 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] until they confess where the bomb is hidden, UNLESS THOSE > > EVIL MEANIES FROM AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL ARE UNWITTING PAWNS OF > > THE TERRORISTS AND PREVENT US FROM RIGHTFULLY TORTURING THE > > TERRORISTS' ACCOMPLICES. > > > > I'm not kidding. Tonight's episode took a firm anti-Amnesty > > International stance. > > I think this has been going on for a while now. A few Zucker Abrams > Zucker movies make fun of Amnesty International, as does "The Simpsons", There's a big difference between name-checking them during a one-liner in a wacky comedy and depicting them aiding terrorists who are trying to kill the viewer in a supposedly "realistic", "dramatic" show. Heck, _I_ make wacky fun of Amnesty International. I make fun of you, too. But I do support Amnesty International, and even if I didn't, claiming they were in some way involved with terrorism would be a little over-the-top as propaganda goes. What Amnesty International needs is a better public-relations campaign. They're going to have to convince fans of "24" that they're heroic freedom fighters and not filthy, sleazy terrorists. So they should fight back with their own PR campaign. (PR is exactly the same as propaganda in every way except using propaganda makes you bad, using PR makes you a capitalist.) Amnesty International should do like the Zapatistas and put on cool-looking ninja superhero outfits and come up with some posters someone might actually enjoy looking at. For instance: http://www.revistarebeldia.org/20-10/material/carteles/zapatistas-lengua.jpg (mirrored at:) http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_04_zapatistas-lengua.jpg I know nothing about what the Zapatistas believe or do, but you gotta admit they know how to pose for stop-you-in-your-tracks posters. Of course, their movement would probably be more successful if they didn't spend so much of their time standing around holding flags in order to tell people which way to the Gymkata... -- K. If good graphic art were all it took for a revolution to succeed, Lenin would have conquered the world in 1917. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the TV that's currently on TV on my TV Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 13:59:40 -0400 Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > "24" is getting ridiculous. <--- Euphemism > > Actually, it's probably always been ridiculous, but I think I stopped caring > for the characters this time around. Or maybe the action/plot is less > interesting, which makes everything more obviously ridiculous. What, you don't believe in the dramatic reality that within the last 18 hours, a terrorist derailed a train so that he could steal a briefcase and then he kidnapped the Secretary of Defense and held a show trial which was broadcast live over the entire Internet as a cover for simultaneously hacking the firewalls of every nuclear power plant in the country so that he could then use the one and only top-secret remote control for all the power plants in the country (which he stole from that briefcase) to make them all melt down simultaneously and was able to escape because the defense contractor he stole it from set off an electro-magnetic pulse weapon blacking out all of Los Angeles and then had a stealth fighter stolen and had Air Force One shot down with it so that he could steal the passwords to all of the country's nuclear warheads and then stole a nuclear warhead? And you don't believe that our government was wholly dependent on one guy (supported by a bunch of backstabbing nerds) to deal with all of these terrorist incidents, which fortunately all happened within easy driving distance for Kiefer Sutherland and his product-placement-style SUV? This show makes "CSI" look almost plausible. Heck, we're talking "seaQuest DSV" levels of dramatic ridiculousness. People are apparently scared enough of terrorists that the way our TV audiences are working out their feelings is with '60s-style escapist fantasies. Everything is under control, if Kiefer Sutherland can catch those terrorists all by himself in one hour, surely the actual government's thousands of operatives can keep us safe even faster! And I hear that next week, he'll go prospecting for uranium to win $10,000 from the gummavint! Watch out, Lucille Ball! -- K. 'Course, she never actually found any real uranium, which proves she was a Commie! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the TV that's currently on TV on my TV Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 13:31:44 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What, you don't believe in the dramatic reality that within the last 18 > > hours, a terrorist derailed a train so that he could steal a briefcase > > and then he kidnapped the Secretary of Defense and held a show trial > > which was broadcast live over the entire Internet as a cover for > > simultaneously hacking the firewalls of every nuclear power plant in > > the country so that he could then use the one and only top-secret > > remote control for all the power plants in the country (which he stole > > from that briefcase) to make them all melt down simultaneously and was > > able to escape because the defense contractor he stole it from set off > > an electro-magnetic pulse weapon blacking out all of Los Angeles and > > then had a stealth fighter stolen and had Air Force One shot down with > > it so that he could steal the passwords to all of the country's nuclear > > warheads and then stole a nuclear warhead? > > Needs more punctuation. But Mr. Acting President we don't have time to stop and punctuate because it's 1:31:43pm and the next terrorist attacks are scheduled for precisely 2:00:00 and 3:00:00 and 4:00:00 and 5:00:00 and and 6:00:00pm so if we stop to listen to Tom H and press several extra keys before torturing terrorists for information the terrorists will win so I recommend we should just torture the terrorists right now and also torture Tom H until he puts in the punctuation for us and also set up a biohazard containment unit around the perimeter because a coded intel intercept indicates TOM HAS GAS IN SUV and we have to act now before he farts again. -- K. Quick, send in Martin Landau to impersonate Dame Edna to find out why she keeps trying to infiltrate the US. This message will self-destruct in exactly five billion nanoseconds from...................... now! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the TV that's currently on TV on my TV Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 13:35:17 -0400 I just wrote: > > Date: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 13:31:44 -0400 > > But Mr. Acting President we don't have time to stop and punctuate because > it's 1:31:43pm and [...] Darn one-second Internet lag. If this had been an eBay auction, that missing second would have caused me to have to track down the high bidder and knife them to get my second back. The Internet owes me a second. -- K. In that second, the Prime Minister of Canada could have bit into that sandwich! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Giant. Flaming. Flushable. It's the wackiest fire ever! Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 14:58:25 -0400 [icnewcastle.icnetwork.co.uk] -> -> Giant toilet roll starts factory fire -> -> By Rhodri Phillips, The Journal -> -> A roll of toilet paper the size of a car caught fire at a factory -> yesterday, in a blaze which took more than eight hours to put out. Oh, come on. There's no way they'd ever be able to fit a roll that size into the only place it's actually needed -- a tiny Taco Bell restroom. -> More than 50 firefighters and 16 fire engines were called to the -> blaze at SCA Hygiene in Princess Way, Prudhoe, Northumberland. But I thought the SCA eschewed toilet paper because they didn't have it back in the Renaissance. Every time I see an SCA person waltzing around in their galvanized steel chain mail and lycra-spandex tights, they're not holding a roll of toilet paper. -> The fire started in the factory's pulp yard, which contained -> dozens of giant rolls of toilet paper, just after 3pm on Saturday. -> -> No-one was injured and production at the factory -- at the centre -> of a controversial planning application -- resumed on Saturday -> evening. -> -> Hexham fire station officer John Arnold said the absorbency and -> size of the rolls of toilet paper had complicated the firefighting -> operation. And then things got worse once that talking diaper from that TV commercial caught fire. (squeaky voice:) "HELP ME, HELP MEEEEEEE! I'M A DIAPER AND I'M ON FIRE!" -> Rolls of paper which were not alight absorbed a lot of the water, -> taking it away from the heart of the blaze. This is why that pre-moistened toilet paper is a good idea. It's easier to put it out once it catches fire. Always buy your car-size rolls of toilet paper pre-moistened. Now with a 55-gallon drum of aloe in every sheet! -> Station officer Arnold said: "The fire was not as serious as the -> number of personnel involved and the time taken might suggest. "In fact, the fire was downright wacky!" -> "The fire was under control within the first hour. -> -> "It was then a case of breaking up the rolls, which were the size -> of a car, and damping them down. -> -> "This was difficult at first because the rolls were absorbing the -> water. -> -> "It is important to say no-one was ever in any danger and there -> was no environmental damage done." Well, except that Lake Diarrhea was wiped out. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. But how often do I get to say something implying people would be sad if an entire lake of diarrhea went away? -- K. They would, you know. Diarrhea is one of our most precious natural resources, just like licorice and New Age music. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Headline I don't get Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 22:20:41 -0400 Today's Boston Herald (Murdoch-owned tabloid) front page, in two-inch high letters: TOM HAS GAS IN SUV I suppose that whatever the story is, it will also be covered by the Boston Globe with a headline more than three letters wide, perhaps "Dick Smothers Says Mom Always Fed His Brother More Chili." -- K. Then a famous cellist picked a fight with him... YO YO MA VS YO YO MA N ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2005 11:11:40 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote (quoted in full): > > Drag foiffant > c/o drag Lowercase TJ, you are truly the Queen Of The Drag Foiffants. But you need to put down your little poodle and cover up your Adam's apple. People can still see it through all that pancake makeup. Also, I don't think you were supposed to put any blueberries in your pancake. Foiffant, eh? Needs more "f"s. Next time you make up a funny new word, try to put in seven or eight "f"s. Otherwise people will be able to make it in Scrabble, thus violating your copyright on whatever the hell your imaginary word of the day is. -- K. Lowercase TJ's rants are always a fun game of "Find where the sentence would be." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 02:28:42 -0400 "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kiboooooo mm > Pop and bang .. > Al and Kiboooo mm > Want 23000 acres kibbooo and 10 mil year ? Sorry, I already buy those hefty new 18-mil Hefty bags. Maybe you and your measly ten mil can find some way to find happiness together, 'cause I ain't sharin' my luxury trash bags with the likes of you. > I just had my newest dozer sent from origon to maine ,,so Ill have my > toy to play with. Toy... brain... well, at least you can play with the one of the two you've got. > Its the biggest one case made. > I think it was 1/2 million bucks. > Im going to dig a big big pond on top of a mountain and clay blowl it > to sea it then pump > water up till I have a 100 acre pond up top. I'm sorry, you can't do that with your blowl. You have to flulsh it like everyone else. > for no reason . > Ill burn up some fuel. > I dump fuel in it and its a road. > > I allways liked to dig ponds . You're one groovy duck! > Ill dig a pond beside a lake. > I dug a cannal between lakes . > I got a fish trap and a spawn ranch for stock and they harvest 400 > tons a year smallmouth. I won't say it, I won't say it. > Hit oil ,, found coal,,,iron ore. > lease 1000's in farmland. > I have 1000 miles of fences. > I got lost in my back yard for 3 days on a 4x4. Big deal. You could get lost in Home Depot shopping for a 2x4. > Treaspassers allways know whare to fish. > I installed a dock . Call us when you install a dick, duck. > want 23000 acres ? No, not if you've ever touched it. It's all ruined now. You should just blowl it up. Blowl it to slmitherleens, you foiffant. -- K. So how tall are you this year? 9 feet? 10? 11? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 19:03:49 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > > [...yadda yadda yadda...] > > 87 inventions ,,,but 5 of them you wipe your ass with. > I spray pulp and no one else does. > I use 1/1000 the water . > I grind it with heat then spay it dry and wet and press . > My system produces more for less. > I invented a dry air pulp aplicator . > I make tolet paper cheeper and faster . > I set the world price on shit paper. > I never worked in the plant . > I hire and they hire. > I hate paperwork too.. > I don't do shit. > My hydroelectrics pay the big easy bucks. > If I stopped trading and making shit paaper the world would shit. I don't think you're even smart enough to know how to tear along the perforations, let alone have a monopoly on the world toilet paper industry. Also, I hate to tell you this, but my local supermarket carries at least one brand of toilet paper that isn't named after you. > What you got better to do ?? > Your kids and people will love the 23000 acres and all that money . > fly to nyny for dinner and a movie and back.. > take the boat from lake to lake and never leave your back yard. The > Game warden dont sneek up and bust you for a joint !!!!! > Beer on the lake is a must. > the 20 people that fish there all the time get away with evrything cuz > I dont care. > I have not been there in 10 years. > $ 30,000,000 and 23000 acres 3 year plan. > > show us how stupid you are and say no again :) I doubt you could even spell "no" again. Try to work a "u" into it next time, or at least an "m". Heck, I'm even astonished you successfully made a two-keystroke smiley, even though it doesn't look a thing like you. For instance, neither of its eyes has a spiral spinning around inside. > Ill wait a week. I seven the sandbox. Your turn, foiffant. -- K. So how does your WebTV help you make all this toilet paper? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:29:00 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Well my webtv is conected to the sluge pump. Gee, and all this time we just thought it was connected to an idiot. Anyway, pleased to meet you, Mr. Sluge Pump. > My pc is not ..well it is but I can keep it spick-it-ty-spam-free. > > Your turning down 23000 acres and $ 30 million bucks ..why ? Because I'd rather have one real dollar than thirty million of your imaginary fantasy imitation made-up invisible fakety-fake vaporous noetic ectoplasmic fairyland Bizarro Disney dollars? > 5 lakes . > did I post a terra photo ?? > > The market speek for it's self. > Pulp index price soft is $535 ton. KETCHUP!!! Sorry, I thought you were making a reference to that movie. Or at least some sort of reference to some concept or idea. > 23000 acres is 10 million usd. > 23000 logs 4 tons call it 100,000 ton. > at 100 bucks a ton is $ 10 mil a year. > at 200 bucks a ton is $ 20 million a year. > at $ 500 bucks a ton its $ 1/2 BILLION . > > Tolet paer is $ 1800 per ton. > 1 and 1/2 billion . You misspelled "ply". > Fact is ,,,if you say yes Im posting the contract . Gee, it's just too bad that apparently your wacky little nth-dimensional fantasy can't proceed without my consent. Too bad indeed. I'm not going to say "yes", unless you ask me whether you're a bozo. > I care less who does it. > 30 mil 3 year is the deal. > > When is the last time some one let you have 40 million bucks ? > no banklone involved.. in cold cold hard cash . World's hardest imaginary bucks! > It includes 20 homes 5 lakes 60 cabins. Yes, but you include way too much foiffantery, Mr. Sluge Pump. -- K. I find you guilty of public foiffantication. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 14:39:27 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Is the 23000 acres imaginary ??? Yes. > How about the woodpulp price over $ 500 world wide ?? is that imaginary > too ?? Yes. > How about 1000 trade leads wanting 40,000 ton loads of pulp,,is that > imaginary ?? Yes. > Are stone pulp refactors imaginary ?? Yes, because stone pulp is prime and therefore not divisible into 2, 3, 5, or 7 creamy portions of delicious stone soup. > Is a tree plantation imaginary ?? No, unless it's yours, in which case, yes. > POST what part of $ 30,000 in 3 years is imaginary !! The three and the four zeros. And the dollar sign. I think even that comma might just be drawn on the number. > Is DUNN imaginary ?? Danny Dunn? Yes. > Is the japan trade leads wanting woodchips or pulp imaginary ? Probably, since it sounds like something a spammer would say. See what a nice guy I am? I just agreed with everything you asked about how incredibly imaginary your stuff is. > $ 10,000,000 is ready when you are . > 23000 acres for $ 9,500,000 . > a 3 year contract for 100,000 tons chips then 40000 tons pulp for 2 > years. > $ 30,000,000 > > small fry is 30 mil.. 400 million tons usa export > and your only 40000 tons .. > Your a drop in the bucket. You're a WebTV on the Internet. > I might give you 10 mil but Ill make it back on the contract even when > you made 30 mil in 3 years . > > 1 ,, you dont nead me stupid ,,,,call any of the trade leads ( Dunns ) > and contract 3 years. I definitely need you stupid. If you suddenly became intelligent, we'd be living in the terrible John Travolta movie "Phenomenon", and I don't think I could stand living in a world where you were Barbarino. Or Chili Palmer. Or Vincent Vega. Hmm, but I think I could stand to see you as The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, especially if it were pumped full of stone pulp while you were disco-dancing inside. > 2,, do the math on evrything stupid and figer out how fucking rich you > will be if you did the deal. > 3,, count the standing logs that are over 12 inches. do the math . Take > an invenory on 23000 acres and base the contractagainst the inventory . > 4,, fuck the banks ,,they charge you ..and they steel idias .. Dude, if you're even trying to deposit ideas in the bank, then you have sorely misunderstood the difference between tangible, enumerable units of monetary exchange and your horribly non-erotic daydreams. > 5 .. go for an export deal ..40,000 tons of pulp at market price. No > nead to reduce and make a cheep deal when suplies never meat the demand. > You should do it without my help then. I'm sorry, I don't need any of your cheep help, unless I someday become a coal miner, in which case I'll buy you a little cage so you can cheep away happily so I'll know the mine isn't filled with deadly anti-canary gas. > [...] > > The loto is a waist of a buck. But then how come I can turn George Washington into a mushroom? MUSHROOMS DON'T HAVE WAISTS! > [...] > > They grow trees my way . > I grow a 15 inch log in 7 years. No, that's Mr. Spock. And no way are you a Vulcan. Go back to Planet Foiffant! > a weeks work and you wont ever work again. > > How much do you make now ????? > No job ? good ,,,can you drive ?? > > Keep this in mind ,,, anyone in the NG is qualified .. > $ 30 mil 3 years is the first one that ask . Maybe you should spend the money more wisely, like buying your own mental hospital. They'd have to name a wing after you if you had the place all to yourself. I'm thinking you'd do better in the one from "Twelve Monkeys" than the one from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", but they're both good, even if one gets really maudlin. -- K. If you really want to be Vinnie Vega, I'll go get the Pop Tarts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 17:27:12 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I have a global star that does nothing but watch my alaskan trees. I'm sorry, but Carrot Top is not a global star, and also, he's not really any good at looking at trees. > I sprayed the bugs ,,planted feedmix for anamals , spiked evry stump. > My trees have docs go look at them. > I get a fraser fir/spruce up to 60 feet in 3 years . > At 40 inches the get frm the green grow lights > then planted . In 7 years its a 19 inch log 30 feet long. The planter > and 3 people plant 10000 trees a day . > In 10 years it will get cut down and a new one planted. In 10 years you'll be the last one posting to Usenet from a WebTV. (I respect you enough to say that you'll outlast all the other bozos by about nine years.) > and thats 10 % of the land ..I take care of the other 90 % better than > any park . > The animals do better too . Don't worry, I'm sure in a future reincarnation you'll be upgraded to an animal, since usually that comes after being a vegetable. > yet I dont do anything .. Sure you do. You extemporaneously foiffantize. -- K. I bet you don't even know what that means, or where to get the vinyl slipcover to fit it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 20:59:18 -0400 In sci.physics, apparently in response to something I wrote, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Nope ,,the fucking dictionary is in english. > I cant find an engish word for it. > Co- effective resistance..C/0 drag. > its on the tip of my toung ,,, That's exactly what a foiffant would say. Except with more drooling. > BUT KIBOOM ,,,Ive decided your too stupid to own a forest so tel me > where to put your 1 million bucks ,,,I dont give people money but Im > just flat out putting a million in your hands. Sorry, my hands aren't imaginary enough to be able to hold your sort of money. > any kind of arrangement where you never see who I am ,,, like in cash > in a box some place. Your negotiating position would be stronger if you could prove you had at least _one_ real dollar. How about you post a supermarket receipt showing that you spent at least ninety-nine cents on generic SpaghettiOs? So, Lowercase TJ, who bought you your little WebTV? > Im giving you 1 million just for the hell of it. > cleveland cflifts some time this week ?? > You dont nead to earn it. Ill just give you 1 million. > Ill make it 2 million so after taxes and a house your still a > millionaire. > and maybe a house out on bass island. > You can have that too. I don't care what you say, I'M NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU. Stop sending me imaginary flowers and imaginary bank accounts and imaginary houses on the imaginary Moon. YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE. I like 'em masculine and human. > Id just take it if I were U. > I think you have a handycap so Ill just give you $2,000,000 usd. Actually, we're equally handicapped. You don't speak Earth language, and I don't speak nitwit. > One of my offices can send a check tomarrow . if you want say so and > Ill post te office and you contact them and they can put it direct into > your account. I'm sorry, but Fonzie says he wants his "office" back. So flush and get out. > After you have 2 million bucks ..tell the idiots you have it . post " > TJ sent me a million bucks after you have it. Who is this Capital TJ of whom you speak? Is he like you except everything he says is made from bigger stupid letters? > Anyone else thinking of asking ,,forget it. > If you can make money show e the math maybe Ill back it..but I give to > poor hungry kids by the 100 million. I dont like people asking me for > money. Ill show them how to make it and back them up with my money . > But in your case I dont think you can for some unknown reason . > rule 1 when a billionaire ...I can give aanyone a million or 2 bucks > if I want to. So? I could give anyone a trillion bucks if I wanted to. But I don't. Also, my penis is a quintillion miles long, but most of it's in the fourth dimension. And while your billion dollars are merely imaginary, my trillion dollars are even better than imaginary -- my money is so imaginary that you can't even imagine how imaginary my money is. There are some things you can imagine which exist, and some which you can imagine which don't exist, and my money, which can't even be imagined. Plus it has pictures of Pac-Man on it. He's sitting on a toilet that can fire lasers. > what will you do with 2 million bucks ?? I'd pay Microsoft to turn off WebTV. -- K. Maybe you should get a TiVo to play with instead. Then that creepy little black insectoid with the melted AlphaBits for a face will be your new friend. And he says you CAN marry him! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 21:07:27 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I confess ....the only reason Kibboom is getting 2 million bucks in cash > is to piss evryone off. There are cheaper ways to annoy the entire population of Internet. For instance, you could get a WebTV. Oh, wait. Never mind. > lol. > yup ,, Ill just GIVE Kibbooo 2 million bucks. > and a house on bass island . > i think the house is worth 1 million. > the car dont go with the house ,,a 32 ford 4 door. I dont know who > owns the car. > I think ted nuget left it there. Ted Nugent drives a 1932 Ford? And he drove it across the ocean to this island? I'm sorry, but I don't believe you, mainly because you're such a loser that even Ted Nugent wouldn't hang out with you. > ill be dead befor i see it gain because we got the south pacific islands > . > lets make arrangments ..2 mil and the house is yours. Let's compromise. You just do the "I'll be dead" part now, and I'll buy my own house someday. > I wounder how potter did ?? > who else ?? Dude, stop trying to pretend Harry Potter is a close personal friend of yours. He's imaginary. He told me so when we went hang-gliding. > All the rest of the idiots get is travel tickets for 2 around the > world. V air lines. All the stewardesses look like Jane Badler with lizard contact lenses. I'll pass. > Ill set up a e mail for that so evryone can secure thier tickets and > still be unknown . > It includes a week on a cruise ship from hong kong up to shanghia > "Leo Star". > > Im a tite billionaire but not a cheep one. No, Hugh Hefner is the titty billionaire. You're just a foiffantaire. -- K. Harry Potter says to tell you that Ted Nugent thinks you're a psycho. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 22:55:58 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Well then prove it stupid and take the 2 million bucks . > ah kibbooo take 2 million bucks ..say yes or you cant prove I cant > give you 2 million bucks. > Thats simple . > IF I cant then you could run yer ugly trap . > If I can Im going to post yer pic getting 2 million bucks . > say yes and prove i cant dumbass !!!!!!!!!!! > take the money > take the money > 2 million bucks ,,,prove I cant . I don't have to prove it, because I already know you can't, you won't, you aren't, and you don't, you foiffan't. If you had two million dollars, you wouldn't be here, you'd be out buying some cotton stuffing to put where your brain used to be. I'll wait until you have some _real_ imaginary money for me, instead of your _pretend_ imaginary money. -- K. You're not a super-genius if you can't force me to accept your imaginary money against my will. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 01:08:11 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 15 billion kiboomm .. > I have 15 billion bucks. > forbs says I have 5 billion. > Kibom says I dont have 2 million ... > prove it kiboo and take the 2 million . > I want a pic of you holding 2 million bucks . > Ill pay you 2 million for it. > then ill post it. Why? We wouldn't be able to see your imaginary picture. > take > the > money ____________________________________________________________ hey / foi / What at first appears to be a highly chaotic right margin ff / proves, on closer inspection, to be a precise two-dimensional ant / graph of what all mathematicians call the Foiffant Function, you're <---< or Fff(n). If Lowercase TJ claims to have n dollars, than a \ Fff(n) is the number of dollars he actually has. This is why bo \ even if this sentence were 15 billion words long, it would zo \ never be wider than five letters. -- K. It must be true, it has an arrow pointing at it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:39:20 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Ill wait 24 hours then Ill sell 40,000 tons live here ..$ 10,000,000 > Your going to watch me make $ 10 mil . > But Ill never live on that 23000 acres 3 months a year. > No new house for me ..mine floats and it worth more than 10 of these > forest. > I want Kiboom to have it. > take the money kiboom. > say yes you can have 2 million bucks in an hour or two NO, you fartin' foiffant. I already told you, you don't have the wits to think of a way to force me to accept your imaginary money. Maybe you should leave it to your imaginary cats in an imaginary will when you go to imaginary Heaven. -- K. I see your stupidity, and I raise you fifty decibels: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU IDIOT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:19:58 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 165 you fucking dumbass I know who you re an your not worth shit in any > sig. Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're failing to communicate. Could you please translate that into Normal? > Im giving Kibooo, 2 million bucks . No you're not. Keep your imaginary money out of my hair! Tell you what, if you give me two million real dollars, I'll give you two million imaginary wedgies, or vice versa. > Just so you can see some one else get handed 2 million bucks. Kibbbo has > no chance of ever earning that much . > But you will allways be poor and stupid. > You are doomd to just sit there and be forever without. Facts dont mean > a thing to you ,,your too stupid to understand them and too fucking > worthless to care. Fact is, you couldn't come up with a single fact, even if they added a "FACT" button to your WebTV keyboard. -- K. Fact: You're a bigger foiffant than Darth Fitzgerald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Just what you need to write reviews of violent Yakuza movies Date: Thu, 21 Apr 2005 11:34:52 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > GLITTER PEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 > > Unfortunately, I only used it to make corrections on my review for > Ichi the Killer. Any future Takeshi Miike movie reviews will be written > with an extra sparkly glitter pen on pink strawberry scented paper. Wrong pen and paper for "Ichi The Killer", boy-o. ...even if you're the new Queen Of The Drag Foiffants. I suggest you put away your precious little "Hello Kitty Smoochie Smoochie Yum Yum Kissyface Hug Time Girl Power" pen, though there are some moments in "Gonin" where your poncy pen might be appropriate. But definitely buy, borrow, or steal a properly manly pen if you're going to watch "Taboo" or "Fighting Elegy". Save your faaaaabulous pen for movies that have at least one character who should be kept in one of Lady Cottingley's old Mason jars. Methinks you enjoyed that cartoon movie about the homeless drag queen a little too much, you big foiffanteur. -- K. And the only correction you needed to make on your review of "Ichi The Killer" was to write "I WATCHED THE WRONG MOVIE" on it with a big picture of a crying Care Bear who wishes he'd instead watched that episode where Marcia Brady gets to meet dreamboat Desi Arnaz Jr. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Women are vastly superior to men Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 02:40:19 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I work them boath . > I hit 50 and gave women up and like it allone. But, lowercase TJ, you're never alone when you're with your WebTV. I know it's not much fun to cuddle your WebTV, but keep trying. Someday your WebTV will cuddle you back. Unless Microsoft discontinues WebTV service once they decide they only want to take money from smart people. > Im too old to give a fuck. > As long as the ship runs I dont care . > I dont nead another women pukin in my rack when the sea swells sea > horses. Nope, sorry, you screwed up that tongue twister. Be careful or your twisted tongue will poke your eye out and you'll never get to see shells by the sea shore. > I dont nead another women telling me not to run to the north pope. Who is the South Pope? Yahoo Serious? Xuxa? > maybe 5 may 10 years left. > I sent evry ex I ever had a million bucks. > tryied to spend 4 billion. > I bet a women could have blown 4 billion. Um, no, since there are only about 3 billion men in the world, unless she's also doing Martians. Also, I don't think they make any big enough tins of Altoids. > now I have 15 ,,,billion. > If I live 10 more years Ill have 30 billion. > unless tolet paper doubles and I hit oil again If you're finding oil in your toilet paper, put down the Olestra chips and duct-tape yourself into your wetsuit so you can take a taxi to the hospital without fudging the back seat. -- K. You fudgy foiffant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Final Frontier (was: Sphincter bleaching) Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 12:48:37 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > On the other hand, you like classic "Star Trek" so much that you chose > > not to watch the "Deep Space Nine" episode which was the primary > > reference here, the big-deal rating-stunt event with TV sci-fi's > > first lesbian romance. They went into that evil universe from the > > original show, the one where Spock had the beard and the Myotron. [...] > > "Star Trek" fortunately had a regular version and an evil version > > of every character, so of course they were able to make some of > > the evil ones non-heterosexual. > > AFAIK classic Trek never had any openly gay or lesbian characters, good or > evil. But I think Harry Mudd was in the closet. Your opinion? Although I don't usually hold serious discussions with people who are lazy enough to speak in weird "Star Trek" acronyms, I will answer your question anyway by pointing you to the episode where Chekov is forcibly mated to the tall "woman" with the big Adam's apple and the deep voice -- this would be the character of Tamoon in "The Gamesters Of Triskelion". Now, not all guys in dresses and glam wigs are gay, but Tamoon sure expressed delight at the prospect of a lifetime of wild gymnastic sex with a little Russian twerp in a Beatle wig. I'd have to say that Tamoon was about 300% gay, just 'cause you'd have to be to want to make out with Walter Koenig. Yecch. The character of Jadzia Dax on "Deep Space Nine" is a borderline call -- the brain slug living inside her had previously been in a male host, and Jadzia occasionally showed attraction to both genders, though it may not have been an expression of sexual orientation but just an acceptance of the multiple points of view someone who has lived as different genders would have. Then there was that "Next Generation" episode which was the heavy-handed satire of something or other, where Riker fell in love with the person from the planet of the androgynes but eventually this person decided she wanted to be female and was then given a lobotomy to make her "normal" like the other people from the world's most boring planet. But that was just broad satire, depicting a situation which is an analog of homophobia or transgenderphobia, so we can't really count it either. And then there was Nemiah Persoff's wonderfully-acted character in the "Next Generation" episode "The Most Toys", where he kidnaps Mr. Data for his collection for cool stuff. It's very vague, but you can choose to see that as a gay story if you squint really hard -- he's obsessed with Data and eyes him heavily, but shows no emotion at all for the woman on the ship (in fact, he kills her in an attempt to make Data submit to him.) It's just one of those typical dramatic situations about someone who is such a maladjusted psychopath that he comes across as being a little gay. That's the way it is in TV and movies -- being really evil is the same as being slightly gay. So Tamoon is the only one I would say is absolutely, positively gay. Unless you count the footnotes in Gene Roddenberry's novelization of the first movie, where Kirk discusses his relationship with Spock by giving a huge "WINKETY-WINK-WINK" to the slash fiction authors of the world. It's something along the lines of "I know you've all seen the crude drawings of me making out with Spock, but I assure you, I like women better." -- K. "Must've been your lifelong ambition." -- Evil Twin Kirk on being kissed by Regular Kirk, "Star Trek VI" "Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons." -- Spock, "Star Trek V" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Blind leading the Dumb Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 13:24:14 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > I'd just like to point out that the only actor to truly capture > the spirit of Zatoichi was Shintaro Katsu. So I take it you're not watching the exciting new series "Blind Justice" on ABC? I would, except for the way every fiber of my being is screaming about how it's not worth even trying to find out just how badly that show sucks. They showed a "Blind Justice" clip on E!'s "The Soup" (formerly "Talk Soup") where they edited one slow scene down to just the blind guy reminding the viewer over and over that he was blind. Apparently it's a show for the terminally stupid. Sort of like if, on "Ironside", Raymond Burr began every sentence with "By the way, in case you haven't noticed, I'm in a wheelchair, and..." > I'm so sorry for those who favor Beat Takeshi, but he looks too > much like he's trying to look cool. I mean, Zato supposedly went > blind in childhood and remembers very little of the visual world; > how the *uc* is he supposed to know what "cool" looks like this > year, even in stultified Medieval Japan? Because cool comes not from the eyes but from the soul. Until you understand that you know nothing about cool, you will know nothing about cool. Also, I'm cool even though I'm only as blind as Mr. Magoo when I take my glasses off. > Katsu acted like he had no concern what he looked like. He > blinked, farted, and ate like nobody was ever looking at him. Just > think how much better the world would be if we all could live like that. You think people ever look at _you_? Prove it. > No, wait; then gross would be fashionable again; "Garbage Pail > Kids" cards would have to include a Zatoichi parody, and I don't > think I could stand to live in a world with those. I hate to tell you this -- well, actually, I gleefully tell you this -- but Takeshi "Beat" Kitano already did one of those. I refer you to my article from about a week ago about Kitano's "Getting Any?" Long before he did his "Zatoichi" remake, he directed that crude, Mel Brooks-wannabe comedy (it's really pretty shoddy in places) which has a "Zatoichi" parody segment in which much shit is flung. So if you're asking for a "Garbage Pail Kids" version of Kitano's "Zatoichi", I refer you to that shit-tacular segment of "Getting Any?" There is some funny stuff in "Getting Any?", but much of the film is so sloppily made that it's hard to decide whether the low production values add to its charm or ruin it completely. It's most interesting if viewed as young Kitano's exploration of some of his cinematic fantasies (akin to a C-grade version of Kurosawa's "Dreams") -- basically, its main value is as a film _about_ what stuff lives inside Kitano's brain. In addition to the "Zatoichi" parody, there's a sequence where he joins some very cliche'd Yakuza, and eventually the obligatory Japanese giant rubbersuit monster movie parody. The best parts are near the beginning, when he's simply trying to buy or steal a car cool enough to make women willing to sleep with him. (It's amazing how many men still can't figure out that women won't automatically put out for anyone in a muscle car.) Thankfully, Kitano doesn't play the lead (he has a small role) because his acting range is really quite limited -- he's always good when he's playing a Dirty Harry-like character who just has to gun people down without smiling, but I can't see him as being a wacky slapstick dude. He's a better director than actor, but "Getting Any?" is something he did before he had even figured out how to do the directing thing well. It's like watching one of those movies Tim Burton made before he reached puberty. Enjoyable, but defective, with a real "Special Show" vibe -- partly intentional, partly not. -- K. It was easily three hundred times more entertaining than the live-action "Mr. Magoo" starring Leslie Nielsen and a big politically-correct apology from the filmmakers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Blind leading the Dumb Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 15:03:23 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > > > > > I'm so sorry for those who favor Beat Takeshi, but he looks too > > > much like he's trying to look cool. I mean, Zato supposedly went > > > blind in childhood and remembers very little of the visual world; > > > how the *uc* is he supposed to know what "cool" looks like this > > > year, even in stultified Medieval Japan? > > > > Because cool comes not from the eyes but from the soul. Until you > > understand that you know nothing about cool, you will know nothing > > about cool. Also, I'm cool even though I'm only as blind as Mr. Magoo > > when I take my glasses off. > > That's exactly what I mean. You get it, I get it, Shintaro Katsu > got it, but Kitano just beat it to death. Ahem. No, you don't get it. See, if I get it, then you can't. Because no two people can simultaneously be really cool, and I'm really cool. Ayyyyyyy, sit on it, Potsie! And Takeshi Kitano's reason for existence is to beat things to death, especially if they're two-legged things. 'Cause he's a Yakuza and a game-show host, therefore the meanest man in the world. He should do a remake of the 1943 Jack Benny movie about that. In Kitano's version of "The Meanest Man In The World", there would be spinning newspaper front pages that said things like "BILLIONAIRE PHILANTHROPIST SHOOTS MAN IN FACE TWENTY TIMES" and then he'd say "Hey! It was only nineteen, and it was entirely accidental!" Jack Benny's movie is not to be confused with the old United Way propaganda film of the same title, about the guy who goes around smacking glasses of milk out of kids' hands, and yanking cripples' crutches away because he doesn't give to the United Way and therefore he's The Meanest Man In The Heaviest-Handed Propaganda In The World. > > [...] > > > > In addition to the "Zatoichi" parody, there's a sequence where he joins > > some very cliche'd Yakuza, and eventually the obligatory Japanese giant > > rubbersuit monster movie parody. The best parts are near the beginning, > > when he's simply trying to buy or steal a car cool enough to make women > > willing to sleep with him. (It's amazing how many men still can't figure > > out that women won't automatically put out for anyone in a muscle car.) > > All I can say is, you cruise the wrong streets. I meant women who aren't covered in open running sores, you dink. > BTW, anyone know what kind of car lesbians cruise in to pick up chicks? A sidecar. > > Thankfully, Kitano doesn't play the lead (he has a small role) > > because his acting range is really quite limited -- he's always good > > when he's playing a Dirty Harry-like character who just has to gun > > people down without smiling, but I can't see him as being a wacky > > slapstick dude. He's a better director than actor, but "Getting Any?" > > is something he did before he had even figured out how to do the > > directing thing well. It's like watching one of those movies Tim Burton > > made before he reached puberty. Enjoyable, but defective, with a real > > "Special Show" vibe -- partly intentional, partly not. > > "Special" as in Monty Python, or as in "short bus"? You're new here, aren't you? Hey look! It's time for spring cleaning! He's a fragment of an episode of "The! Special! Show!" I once typed out but never considered worth actually using in a real episode! And I never would have posted it except now I have to, and it's all your fault! (FIRST MAN enters from screen left.) FIRST MAN (to audience) Hello, I am not blind. (SECOND MAN enters from screen right.) SECOND MAN (to audience) Hello, I am blind. (FIRST MAN removes a turd from his pocket and holds it out.) FIRST MAN (with no pauses) You're blind eat this turd. (SECOND MAN takes it and eats half of it.) SECOND MAN Hey, wait a minute -- I'm blind, not stupid! (SECOND MAN eats the rest of the turd.) (SOUND FX: "BOI-OI-OINGGGGG!") (FIRST MAN looks shocked. Camera zooms in and out on his face. FREEZE FRAME.) NARRATOR (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, blind people are just like you or me or a potato with no eyes. Do not tease them. Do not punch them in the legs. Do not steal their cars for spite. Do not seal them in a Krazy Glue-based torture cell. And absolutely do not do this: (CUT TO: FIRST MAN and SECOND MAN on stage as before) (FIRST MAN takes some dynamite from his pocket.) FIRST MAN (with no pauses) You're blind eat this dynamite. SECOND MAN No. (FIRST MAN begins crying like a baby throwing a tantrum. FREEZE FRAME with crying sounds played continuously during the following.) NARRATOR (voiceover) Do not cry in front of the blind. It may fool them into thinking you are a baby and they will eat you. (UNFREEZE FRAME as FIRST MAN continues bawling.) SECOND MAN (with no pauses) I'm blind you're a baby yum. (SECOND MAN bites FIRST MAN's nose off.) FIRST MAN Ow, my nose! SECOND MAN That's what Marcia Brady said. (SECOND MAN excitedly points at something offscreen left.) SECOND MAN Hey, look! (THIRD MAN enters from screen left, pushing a large cannon. He positions the cannon so its muzzle is pressed against FIRST MAN's head. He fires the cannon. There is a massive blast. FIRST MAN's head is reduced to an irregular vertical charcoal line with two eyeballs somehow attached to it. He blinks.) SECOND MAN Hey, he just killed you. (FIRST MAN drops dead.) THIRD MAN Was he making fun of you blind folks? SECOND MAN Naw, I'm not really blind, I just have bad gas. (SECOND MAN cuts a big fart.) THIRD MAN Hey, that's even worse than being blind. SECOND MAN I wanted to be blind, but they wouldn't let me because I fart too much. (CAMERA PANS to a house. A sign on the lawn says "HOME FOR THE BLIND". Several people in dark glasses are hanging out on the porch. One of them wags his finger disapprovingly.) BLIND GUY No farting! (The home collapses, crushing all the blind people. There is a momentary pause, then we hear several simultaneous farts as a brown cloud rises above the rubble.) Science cannot explain why I chose never to post that after I wrote it. Heck, not only did I never post it, I didn't even finish it -- it really should have featured at least one crime for them to solve. > > It was easily three hundred > > times more entertaining than > > the live-action "Mr. Magoo" > > starring Leslie Nielsen and > > a big politically-correct > > apology from the filmmakers. > > I stood for the first eight or so minutes of that. I remember the > 'toon version too well, apparently. Maybe it would have been better > if I'd taken off my glasses first (I'm 20/300, and coolest in my sleep). 20/300? Baby. That's only three diopters. I'm about 20/1000, which is seven diopters cooler than you. Hey look! It's more spring cleaning! I wrote this a couple weeks ago to incorporate into a followup in my thread about writing on rice, but nobody displayed a lot of interest, so I never posted it, and now I have to post it just to annoy you: After writing that, I thought that since I hadn't actually done it in a while, I should make sure I still have the motor capabilities to write words on grains of rice. But I only have .1 mm tech pens handy (not .05 mm ones) and, worse, the only rice in the kitchen is some super-short-grain arborio only a third as long as basmati. The grains are at most 1/8" long, which is only enough space for four letters. ("KIBO" is actually one of the more difficult things to write small, because the "B" clots up. "E" and "G" are the other two clotty letters.) Anyway, yeah, I can still write on rice just fine even though today I was limited to four letters, less than even the little Necco chalk hearts ("U R COOL", "I M UGLY"). With a better pen and better rice, ten-letter words are possible. Of course, people other than me may need a strong magnifying glass to read them. Whereas, my powers of SUPER NEARSIGHTEDNESS mean all I have to do is take my eyeglasses off and WHAM! I can focus on things three inches from my eyeball! (Yes, I've measured, my reading distance is three inches. Since it's normally supposed to be about eighteen, that means that without my glasses everything can appear six times bigger, which is considerably more "x" than most household magnifying glasses -- those are usually about 3x.) If you've got rice lying around, go ahead and doodle on it, it's really not that big a deal. (Uncooked white rice accepts ink very nicely, more cleanly than most paper.) Now, writing on salami with a yellow crayon, that would be a big deal, especially if it's one of those special crayons that can write upside-down in outer space but releases poison gas when it touches meat. So, are you happy now? -- K. Kitano should also do other Jack Benny remakes, especially "The Man Who Could Work Miracles". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Blind leading the Dumb Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 18:45:12 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > > > > > [stuff] > > > > No, you don't get it. See, if I get it, then you can't. Because > > no two people can simultaneously be really cool, and I'm really cool. > > Ayyyyyyy, sit on it, Potsie! > > Is that one of those quantum-mechanical conjugate variable thingies? Sure, if you're a nerrrrrrd. > Whatever; I never claimed to be cool, kewl or even k3wl > (neo-computerese typograffiti by the way drives me slightly more > nuts than I usually am)- I said I got it, not that I can do anything > with it . People who claim they never claim to be cool are a lot less cool than those who simply don't claim they never claimed to be cool. Me, I am as cool as possible and as uncool as possible at the same time, and this contradiction is super-cool, which makes me cooler than a pile of a million Harleys with flames painted all over, even on the insides of the carburetors. > > > I'm sorry, your HTML doesn't validate. That means the W3C just called you a nerd. > > And Takeshi Kitano's reason for existence is to beat things to death, > > especially if they're two-legged things. 'Cause he's a Yakuza and > > a game-show host, therefore the meanest man in the world. He should > > do a remake of the 1943 Jack Benny movie about that. In Kitano's version > > of "The Meanest Man In The World", there would be spinning newspaper > > front pages that said things like "BILLIONAIRE PHILANTHROPIST SHOOTS > > MAN IN FACE TWENTY TIMES" and then he'd say "Hey! It was only nineteen, > > and it was entirely accidental!" > > Sorry, my suspension of disbelief just experienced catastrophic > structural failure; that should be "...THIRTY-NINE TIMES"! That would be a Takashi Miike remake of an Alfred Hitchcock movie, assuming Hitchcock made one starring Jack Benny so that Takashi Miike could put Riki Takeuchi in the remake just to make your head explode from the idea that Riki Takeuchi must, somehow, be the Japanese Jack Benny, and then you'd wonder who the American Riki Takeuchi is and who the Japanese you is and who the human Hello Kitty is and you'd wake up in a straitjacket somewhere underneath Tokyo. > > [...] > > > > I meant women who aren't covered in open running sores, you dink. > > Well, yeah, but you can get fairly clean ones if you have $100 > bills sticking out of all your pockets. Uh, that is, so I'm told. > Either that, or try a rubber monster suit with underwear on over it; > you just _know_ hot chicks will want to know what's under them. Um, a rubber suit with a jockstrap on the outside is going to attract something other than women. > > > BTW, anyone know what kind of car lesbians cruise in to pick up chicks? > > > > A sidecar. > > See, here's definite proof of my complete lack of cool; not only > was that way too Zen for me, I can cheerfully admit it. More, I'm > going to ask you to explain it. > > So, by "sidecar", did you mean a motorcycle attachment, a mixed > drink nobody's ordered since about 1954, or what? Of all the square words of tongue and pen, the squarest three you've said are "a motorcycle attachment" then. > > You're new here, aren't you? > > Well, only slightly. I used to pop in for a quick look a couple > years ago but didn't actually post until recently. What's worse, I > started by crossposting from alt.sci.physics.new-theories (the one > about how Smarties candies have gone all to hell; "[OT]: Do you eat > the red ones last?"). If that didn't earn me some negative cool > points, nothing will. But in my defense, it did contain lots of > stuff about candy and mentioned semi-kinky sex. Also, I'm especially > proud of the part about recasting Woody Allen as G*d in remakes of > those Charleton Heston Bible movies. I swear the first time I read that it looked like it said "Charlton Heston Barbie movies" and now I'm imagining him with a Malibu Ken hairdo -- the type that consists of sprayed-on flocking -- running around emoting terribly about how much trouble he's having getting Barbie's unitard back on over those damn feet of hers so he's going to let her stay naked in his basement until he can make her presentable enough to go outside once her replacement head arrives. (He's not the best barber in the world with those safety scissors, but they don't allow anything pointier in Barbie's Fun Hut.) > > [concerning writing stuff on grains of rice] > > > > So, are you happy now? > > Well, sorta, but how are you with lentils? Red, brown, yellow, green, or black? Dried whole, split, or oiled? I like to mix the split red ones (masoor dal) with the whole brown ones because the red ones turn to mush when cooked but the brown ones stay nice and chewy. I make a great rice pilaf with basmati rice, wild rice, and the two kinds of lentils, and the result is a dish containing four different things you can write on, not counting the garlic flakes. If you'd like, I could write you a whole Spot story on a strand of spaghetti. -- K. Please post your followup in the form of couscous. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Need To Wear A Costume Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 14:07:51 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > No reason, it's just this urge I got. > > > > > > I can't fight it anymore, but I don't want my loved ones to know my > > > Terrible Secret. > > > > > > But! Lo! I have figured out a solution! I shall dress up as ME. > > > > But with more spandex I hope. > > Less is more with things like spandex. Unless you're the original Yellow Power Ranger, in which case you better keep that full-body zentai suit on 'cause we really don't want to see you changing gender over and over when the Japanese stock footage is intercut with the American filler. > > > No one will be the wiser. > > > > Dave "sadly, that's usually the case anyway" DeLaney > > Well, we are wiser for it. Right up there with being aware of > our own mortality. I guess it helps us plan for the furture, er, > the lack thereof. Here, let me help you with being aware of your own mortality: I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!! If you still have any doubts about your mortality, you know where to find me. I'm the guy who was yelling at the TV last night because on "MythBusters" they were assuming the wrong number of milliamps would stop a beating heart. -- K. Still, it's nice to see a show with more realistic gay stereotypes than "Queer Eye". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: miss Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:07:08 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > I miss teh MOO. > > > > Help. > > behold the answers to your questions! > > http://jarai.com/arkmoo/ > > ... or, at least, what I used when I had to reconfigure after Teh Big > Crrrash. Hey, how come you gave him an invite? Nobody's ever sent me an invite to whatever that weird stuff is! Also I don't understand the payment system -- does PayPal work or do I have to mail someone my credit card? -- K. Hey look! The hyphens lined up! That means I don't even have to try to think of something incredibly clever to say here! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: WOW COOL TOADS EXPLODE and also GERMAN TOADS EXPLODE TOO Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:41:01 -0400 An irresistible headline I saw linked from Fark.com. [beta.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Exploding toads baffle German experts Do you need a government license to be a certified Exploding Toad Expert in Germany, or can anyone with a pocketful of Alka-Seltzer do it? -> BERLIN (AFP) -- Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister -> end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded. One of the few sentences I remember from German class is the best line from an Aesop fable about that: "ER PLOTZT UND IST TOT!" Those Germans sure love their explodiphibians. -> According to reports from animal welfare workers and veterinarians -> as many as a thousand of the amphibians have perished after their -> bodies swelled to bursting point and their entrails were propelled -> for up to a metre (three feet). I hear that if you put a toad on a playground swing and push it so hard that it swings all the way around over the bar, it will turn inside-out before it explodes, which will be more of an implosion so it won't really hurt. -> It is like "a science fiction film", according to Werner Smolnik -> of a nature protection society in the northern city of Hamburg, -> where the phenomenon of the exploding toad has been observed. Which film would that be? "The Day The Toads Blew Up"? "The Toadboominator"? "THX-1138 Now With Exploding Toads And One Computer-Animated Ewok"? -> "You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then -> exploding." "And they do it even faster if you watch them through a magnifying glass in full sunlight." -> He said the bodies of the toads expanded to three and a half times -> their normal size. TOAD VIAGRA FOUND TO HAVE MINOR SIDE EFFECT -> "I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst. -> So bad has the death toll been that the lake in the Altona district -> of Hamburg has been dubbed "the pond of death." They should put up a "Pond Of Death" sign to warn the toads. -> Access to it has been sealed off and every night a biologist -> visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak time -> for batrachians to go bang. ...and SOCKO! and ZOWIE! and ZZWAPP! and QUICK, ROBIN, FINISH YOUR CIVICS HOMEWORK SO YOU CAN HELP ME FIGHT CRIME IN YOUR LITTLE GREEN PANTY! -> Explanations include an unknown virus, a fungus that has infected -> the water, or crows, which in an echo of the Alfred Hitchcock movie -> "The Birds", attack the toads, literally scaring them to death. I heard Lucille Ball also used to explode to death whenever she saw a picture of a bird. That's why she had to wear so much makeup in her later shows -- that layer of makeup was the only thing keeping her head from exploding. -- K. Wow, l'AFP went an entire article without mentioning Dracula. How do they know he isn't exploding those toads? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WOW COOL TOADS EXPLODE and also GERMAN TOADS EXPLODE TOO Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:11:48 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> BERLIN (AFP) -- Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister > > -> end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded. > > > > One of the few sentences I remember from German class is the best line > > from an Aesop fable about that: "ER PLOTZT UND IST TOT!" Those Germans > > sure love their explodiphibians. > > Whew! When I saw the post, Kibo, I'd thought you'd discovered what my > cousins and I did with firecrackers 45 years ago. No one's found out > -- oh wait -- damn you Kibo! YOU TRICKED ME! Ah, I always suspected you were a German. By the way, a word to the wise -- whenever an article like this one about exploding frogs simultaneously appears on all the screens on the Internet, if the person next to you starts laughing, don't go home with them. Note that I never laugh, I just smile sweetly. -- K. How come it's so hard to get three-hole ski masks these days? I really want a white one with red edging like the guys in "Unlucky Monkey" had. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, I forgot to finish this article and you never noticed! Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 19:06:55 -0400 Back when the chilifinger story first broke, I posted this paragraph in the middle of an article about Glenn Knickerbocker's finger-related nightmare: Welcome to David Cronenberg's "Chilidrome". As in all his other movies, you can be expecting to grow a new penis-shaped brain lobe that gives you awesome mental powers and rapes giant millipedes while you sleep. Also the twist ending is that Jude Law is actually a ...but then the rest of the article continued, with that unfinished paragraph sitting in the middle of it. And not one of you people even tried to finish the overlooked thought for me. So, now that I've just noticed it, I have to go back and fix that paragraph. Welcome to David Cronenberg's "Chilidrome". As in all his other movies, you can be expecting to grow a new penis-shaped brain lobe that gives you awesome mental powers and rapes giant millipedes while you sleep. Also the twist ending is that Jude Law is actually Ronald McDonald in pinkface. There, wasn't that a vast improvement? Now Glenn can sleep happily. -- K. Sometimes life is like "Match Game", except without Brett Somers drooling on Richard Dawson's bald spot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gideons for other books. Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 21:26:19 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] What if I started an organization of counter-Gideons, who > would provide hotels with free copies of Darwin's Origin of Species? Just be sure to put one in THE DRAKE HOTEL IN CHICAGO. That's THE DRAKE HOTEL IN CHICAGO. I believe mentioning it twice is sufficient to make it A VERY OBVIOUS PLOT POINT. I'll go get my fireman suit. But remember, I get to keep the laptop with the prototype RISC 686 AI processor. And by the way (screen tilts sixty degrees to the left) you've never seen me... very... upset. RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!! BUBBLICIOUS!!! There, I just blew up Jean Reno's helicopter to keep him from getting that American cable TV deal for his crappy new rollerball league. > Can you think of a book that might be better-suited for dissemination > of this kind? "Dianetics". No, just kidding, my serious answer is "TV Guide". > It would probably have to be in the public domain to be viable. Okay, then, "Public Domain TV Guide", which would be written by Tony Hendra and would not mention any real TV shows. -- K. How about Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where does the earth's heat come from? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 01:16:24 -0400 In sci.physics, apropos of something -- I'm not sure what, since he hasn't heard of quoting -- "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The earth crust is as thin as a condom if the planet was a dick like > you. At last, a theory everyone can understand! Although, it fails to account for how Pizza Hut stuffs the cheese into the cheese-stuffed crust. If you were a pizza, would the cheese be stuffed into the crust around your brain, or would you have a Prince Albert in your can? -- K. Albert Einstein never posted to the Internet about his sick fantasies of having sex with a planet's molten core. If he had, he never would have gotten that Nobel Prize For Chastity. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A question... Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:34:16 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > Now, why *YOU'D* frequent a place serving cold zima is beyond me. > > Because no one goes anymore to the places that serve hot Zima. They're > too crowded. Last night I saw a Japanese movie titled "2LDK" (many Asian films these days have keyboard salads as titles, such as "I.K.U." and "PTU") which I think was supposed to be a wacky comedy like "The Odd Couple" about two aspiring actresses who share an apartment and thus spend all their time fighting to the death in a horribly bloody battle. (This passes for light comedy in Japan, or would if it were better done -- I found both characters so irritating that the movie seemed to drag on forever, even though it's only 70 minutes long.) Anyway, near the beginning, the only moment I found amusing was when the two gals find out they're being considered for the same part, and one of them says "That calls for a celebration!" and pulls out a quart bottle of Zima. Makes sense if you think about it -- Japanese people like stuff that tastes like lemon mixed with vinegar. They probably sprinkle Zima on their sushi instead of using it to dissolve the tarnish off their silverware like all right-thinking people should. Turns out they re-introduced Zima in 2002 after it had been off the market for several years. ("Hey, let's bring back one of the biggest flops in history!") I think the company may have been counting on the product placement in this obscure bad Japanese movie to be the gala re- launch event. Original Zima was promoted in a "Babylon 5" episode about a boxing match in outer space, and new and unimproved Zima in "2LDK". The only place in real life where I've ever seen signs advertising Zima, many years ago, was a nightclub that caters to the straight fetish community. And Zima fetish is not OK. -- K. Does this mean they're also going to re-introduce Crystal Pepsi and that clear beer even dogs wouldn't drink? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cutting the Goddamn Grass Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 23:54:54 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > Let me relay a quandary. > > We have a similar situation - too much green yard (not really "lawn"), > not enough ambition on the husband's (my) part. > > I had an idea. > > Goats. > > Meat Goats. > > [...] > > But: > > I can't kill a goat. Even one specifically labeled as a Meat Goat. Sheesh, man, the solution couldn't be more obvious. Get out the branding iron and specifically label the goat a Kill Me Goat. (Write big so you can read him even if he runs away, which he probably will do after the first letter, so you should also prepare yourself to kill any goat labelled "K", especially because he'd be kosher.) > [...] > > Now I have 6 Meat Goats, and a couple of pregnant does. None of which I > want killed. Then I suggest you built a GoatDome. Six goats enter! One goat exits! That way you only have to slaughter one, and it'll be easy because you'll already be jealous of him for being The Baddest Goat In The Whole GoatDome and all stuck-up and all. > So, tonight's word to the wise (such as they can learn) is: Don't accept > anything into your household unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you can kill > and eat it. When your wife married you, she was sure she could... oh, never mind. Pleasant dreams! -- K. What other Meat Animals do you own, besides the Meat Owl and Meat Liverwort?