From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:29:00 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Well my webtv is conected to the sluge pump. Gee, and all this time we just thought it was connected to an idiot. Anyway, pleased to meet you, Mr. Sluge Pump. > My pc is not ..well it is but I can keep it spick-it-ty-spam-free. > > Your turning down 23000 acres and $ 30 million bucks ..why ? Because I'd rather have one real dollar than thirty million of your imaginary fantasy imitation made-up invisible fakety-fake vaporous noetic ectoplasmic fairyland Bizarro Disney dollars? > 5 lakes . > did I post a terra photo ?? > > The market speek for it's self. > Pulp index price soft is $535 ton. KETCHUP!!! Sorry, I thought you were making a reference to that movie. Or at least some sort of reference to some concept or idea. > 23000 acres is 10 million usd. > 23000 logs 4 tons call it 100,000 ton. > at 100 bucks a ton is $ 10 mil a year. > at 200 bucks a ton is $ 20 million a year. > at $ 500 bucks a ton its $ 1/2 BILLION . > > Tolet paer is $ 1800 per ton. > 1 and 1/2 billion . You misspelled "ply". > Fact is ,,,if you say yes Im posting the contract . Gee, it's just too bad that apparently your wacky little nth-dimensional fantasy can't proceed without my consent. Too bad indeed. I'm not going to say "yes", unless you ask me whether you're a bozo. > I care less who does it. > 30 mil 3 year is the deal. > > When is the last time some one let you have 40 million bucks ? > no banklone involved.. in cold cold hard cash . World's hardest imaginary bucks! > It includes 20 homes 5 lakes 60 cabins. Yes, but you include way too much foiffantery, Mr. Sluge Pump. -- K. I find you guilty of public foiffantication. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 14:39:27 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Is the 23000 acres imaginary ??? Yes. > How about the woodpulp price over $ 500 world wide ?? is that imaginary > too ?? Yes. > How about 1000 trade leads wanting 40,000 ton loads of pulp,,is that > imaginary ?? Yes. > Are stone pulp refactors imaginary ?? Yes, because stone pulp is prime and therefore not divisible into 2, 3, 5, or 7 creamy portions of delicious stone soup. > Is a tree plantation imaginary ?? No, unless it's yours, in which case, yes. > POST what part of $ 30,000 in 3 years is imaginary !! The three and the four zeros. And the dollar sign. I think even that comma might just be drawn on the number. > Is DUNN imaginary ?? Danny Dunn? Yes. > Is the japan trade leads wanting woodchips or pulp imaginary ? Probably, since it sounds like something a spammer would say. See what a nice guy I am? I just agreed with everything you asked about how incredibly imaginary your stuff is. > $ 10,000,000 is ready when you are . > 23000 acres for $ 9,500,000 . > a 3 year contract for 100,000 tons chips then 40000 tons pulp for 2 > years. > $ 30,000,000 > > small fry is 30 mil.. 400 million tons usa export > and your only 40000 tons .. > Your a drop in the bucket. You're a WebTV on the Internet. > I might give you 10 mil but Ill make it back on the contract even when > you made 30 mil in 3 years . > > 1 ,, you dont nead me stupid ,,,,call any of the trade leads ( Dunns ) > and contract 3 years. I definitely need you stupid. If you suddenly became intelligent, we'd be living in the terrible John Travolta movie "Phenomenon", and I don't think I could stand living in a world where you were Barbarino. Or Chili Palmer. Or Vincent Vega. Hmm, but I think I could stand to see you as The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, especially if it were pumped full of stone pulp while you were disco-dancing inside. > 2,, do the math on evrything stupid and figer out how fucking rich you > will be if you did the deal. > 3,, count the standing logs that are over 12 inches. do the math . Take > an invenory on 23000 acres and base the contractagainst the inventory . > 4,, fuck the banks ,,they charge you ..and they steel idias .. Dude, if you're even trying to deposit ideas in the bank, then you have sorely misunderstood the difference between tangible, enumerable units of monetary exchange and your horribly non-erotic daydreams. > 5 .. go for an export deal ..40,000 tons of pulp at market price. No > nead to reduce and make a cheep deal when suplies never meat the demand. > You should do it without my help then. I'm sorry, I don't need any of your cheep help, unless I someday become a coal miner, in which case I'll buy you a little cage so you can cheep away happily so I'll know the mine isn't filled with deadly anti-canary gas. > [...] > > The loto is a waist of a buck. But then how come I can turn George Washington into a mushroom? MUSHROOMS DON'T HAVE WAISTS! > [...] > > They grow trees my way . > I grow a 15 inch log in 7 years. No, that's Mr. Spock. And no way are you a Vulcan. Go back to Planet Foiffant! > a weeks work and you wont ever work again. > > How much do you make now ????? > No job ? good ,,,can you drive ?? > > Keep this in mind ,,, anyone in the NG is qualified .. > $ 30 mil 3 years is the first one that ask . Maybe you should spend the money more wisely, like buying your own mental hospital. They'd have to name a wing after you if you had the place all to yourself. I'm thinking you'd do better in the one from "Twelve Monkeys" than the one from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", but they're both good, even if one gets really maudlin. -- K. If you really want to be Vinnie Vega, I'll go get the Pop Tarts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 17:27:12 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I have a global star that does nothing but watch my alaskan trees. I'm sorry, but Carrot Top is not a global star, and also, he's not really any good at looking at trees. > I sprayed the bugs ,,planted feedmix for anamals , spiked evry stump. > My trees have docs go look at them. > I get a fraser fir/spruce up to 60 feet in 3 years . > At 40 inches the get frm the green grow lights > then planted . In 7 years its a 19 inch log 30 feet long. The planter > and 3 people plant 10000 trees a day . > In 10 years it will get cut down and a new one planted. In 10 years you'll be the last one posting to Usenet from a WebTV. (I respect you enough to say that you'll outlast all the other bozos by about nine years.) > and thats 10 % of the land ..I take care of the other 90 % better than > any park . > The animals do better too . Don't worry, I'm sure in a future reincarnation you'll be upgraded to an animal, since usually that comes after being a vegetable. > yet I dont do anything .. Sure you do. You extemporaneously foiffantize. -- K. I bet you don't even know what that means, or where to get the vinyl slipcover to fit it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 20:59:18 -0400 In sci.physics, apparently in response to something I wrote, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Nope ,,the fucking dictionary is in english. > I cant find an engish word for it. > Co- effective resistance..C/0 drag. > its on the tip of my toung ,,, That's exactly what a foiffant would say. Except with more drooling. > BUT KIBOOM ,,,Ive decided your too stupid to own a forest so tel me > where to put your 1 million bucks ,,,I dont give people money but Im > just flat out putting a million in your hands. Sorry, my hands aren't imaginary enough to be able to hold your sort of money. > any kind of arrangement where you never see who I am ,,, like in cash > in a box some place. Your negotiating position would be stronger if you could prove you had at least _one_ real dollar. How about you post a supermarket receipt showing that you spent at least ninety-nine cents on generic SpaghettiOs? So, Lowercase TJ, who bought you your little WebTV? > Im giving you 1 million just for the hell of it. > cleveland cflifts some time this week ?? > You dont nead to earn it. Ill just give you 1 million. > Ill make it 2 million so after taxes and a house your still a > millionaire. > and maybe a house out on bass island. > You can have that too. I don't care what you say, I'M NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU. Stop sending me imaginary flowers and imaginary bank accounts and imaginary houses on the imaginary Moon. YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE. I like 'em masculine and human. > Id just take it if I were U. > I think you have a handycap so Ill just give you $2,000,000 usd. Actually, we're equally handicapped. You don't speak Earth language, and I don't speak nitwit. > One of my offices can send a check tomarrow . if you want say so and > Ill post te office and you contact them and they can put it direct into > your account. I'm sorry, but Fonzie says he wants his "office" back. So flush and get out. > After you have 2 million bucks ..tell the idiots you have it . post " > TJ sent me a million bucks after you have it. Who is this Capital TJ of whom you speak? Is he like you except everything he says is made from bigger stupid letters? > Anyone else thinking of asking ,,forget it. > If you can make money show e the math maybe Ill back it..but I give to > poor hungry kids by the 100 million. I dont like people asking me for > money. Ill show them how to make it and back them up with my money . > But in your case I dont think you can for some unknown reason . > rule 1 when a billionaire ...I can give aanyone a million or 2 bucks > if I want to. So? I could give anyone a trillion bucks if I wanted to. But I don't. Also, my penis is a quintillion miles long, but most of it's in the fourth dimension. And while your billion dollars are merely imaginary, my trillion dollars are even better than imaginary -- my money is so imaginary that you can't even imagine how imaginary my money is. There are some things you can imagine which exist, and some which you can imagine which don't exist, and my money, which can't even be imagined. Plus it has pictures of Pac-Man on it. He's sitting on a toilet that can fire lasers. > what will you do with 2 million bucks ?? I'd pay Microsoft to turn off WebTV. -- K. Maybe you should get a TiVo to play with instead. Then that creepy little black insectoid with the melted AlphaBits for a face will be your new friend. And he says you CAN marry him! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 21:07:27 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I confess ....the only reason Kibboom is getting 2 million bucks in cash > is to piss evryone off. There are cheaper ways to annoy the entire population of Internet. For instance, you could get a WebTV. Oh, wait. Never mind. > lol. > yup ,, Ill just GIVE Kibbooo 2 million bucks. > and a house on bass island . > i think the house is worth 1 million. > the car dont go with the house ,,a 32 ford 4 door. I dont know who > owns the car. > I think ted nuget left it there. Ted Nugent drives a 1932 Ford? And he drove it across the ocean to this island? I'm sorry, but I don't believe you, mainly because you're such a loser that even Ted Nugent wouldn't hang out with you. > ill be dead befor i see it gain because we got the south pacific islands > . > lets make arrangments ..2 mil and the house is yours. Let's compromise. You just do the "I'll be dead" part now, and I'll buy my own house someday. > I wounder how potter did ?? > who else ?? Dude, stop trying to pretend Harry Potter is a close personal friend of yours. He's imaginary. He told me so when we went hang-gliding. > All the rest of the idiots get is travel tickets for 2 around the > world. V air lines. All the stewardesses look like Jane Badler with lizard contact lenses. I'll pass. > Ill set up a e mail for that so evryone can secure thier tickets and > still be unknown . > It includes a week on a cruise ship from hong kong up to shanghia > "Leo Star". > > Im a tite billionaire but not a cheep one. No, Hugh Hefner is the titty billionaire. You're just a foiffantaire. -- K. Harry Potter says to tell you that Ted Nugent thinks you're a psycho. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 22:55:58 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Well then prove it stupid and take the 2 million bucks . > ah kibbooo take 2 million bucks ..say yes or you cant prove I cant > give you 2 million bucks. > Thats simple . > IF I cant then you could run yer ugly trap . > If I can Im going to post yer pic getting 2 million bucks . > say yes and prove i cant dumbass !!!!!!!!!!! > take the money > take the money > 2 million bucks ,,,prove I cant . I don't have to prove it, because I already know you can't, you won't, you aren't, and you don't, you foiffan't. If you had two million dollars, you wouldn't be here, you'd be out buying some cotton stuffing to put where your brain used to be. I'll wait until you have some _real_ imaginary money for me, instead of your _pretend_ imaginary money. -- K. You're not a super-genius if you can't force me to accept your imaginary money against my will. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 01:08:11 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 15 billion kiboomm .. > I have 15 billion bucks. > forbs says I have 5 billion. > Kibom says I dont have 2 million ... > prove it kiboo and take the 2 million . > I want a pic of you holding 2 million bucks . > Ill pay you 2 million for it. > then ill post it. Why? We wouldn't be able to see your imaginary picture. > take > the > money ____________________________________________________________ hey / foi / What at first appears to be a highly chaotic right margin ff / proves, on closer inspection, to be a precise two-dimensional ant / graph of what all mathematicians call the Foiffant Function, you're <---< or Fff(n). If Lowercase TJ claims to have n dollars, than a \ Fff(n) is the number of dollars he actually has. This is why bo \ even if this sentence were 15 billion words long, it would zo \ never be wider than five letters. -- K. It must be true, it has an arrow pointing at it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:39:20 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Ill wait 24 hours then Ill sell 40,000 tons live here ..$ 10,000,000 > Your going to watch me make $ 10 mil . > But Ill never live on that 23000 acres 3 months a year. > No new house for me ..mine floats and it worth more than 10 of these > forest. > I want Kiboom to have it. > take the money kiboom. > say yes you can have 2 million bucks in an hour or two NO, you fartin' foiffant. I already told you, you don't have the wits to think of a way to force me to accept your imaginary money. Maybe you should leave it to your imaginary cats in an imaginary will when you go to imaginary Heaven. -- K. I see your stupidity, and I raise you fifty decibels: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU IDIOT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:19:58 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 165 you fucking dumbass I know who you re an your not worth shit in any > sig. Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're failing to communicate. Could you please translate that into Normal? > Im giving Kibooo, 2 million bucks . No you're not. Keep your imaginary money out of my hair! Tell you what, if you give me two million real dollars, I'll give you two million imaginary wedgies, or vice versa. > Just so you can see some one else get handed 2 million bucks. Kibbbo has > no chance of ever earning that much . > But you will allways be poor and stupid. > You are doomd to just sit there and be forever without. Facts dont mean > a thing to you ,,your too stupid to understand them and too fucking > worthless to care. Fact is, you couldn't come up with a single fact, even if they added a "FACT" button to your WebTV keyboard. -- K. Fact: You're a bigger foiffant than Darth Fitzgerald. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 14:40:47 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > [...] > > You dont think like I do. That's because I _do_ think. > [...] > > I see no math or any facts from kiboom . Then take that ice cream cone out of your eye! If you haven't damaged your cornea too badly with the point end of that waffle cone, here's something to see: Eq. 1 ) ME MINUS ME EQUALS YOU > In fact kiboom is just an asshole and ignores the facts. Yeah, but at least one of us isn't a roiling foiffant. I wouldn't trade my asshole for your foiffantitude if you paid me. Especially if you tried to do so with pretend money. You know why I keep refusing to accept your imaginary money? Your imaginary money's contaminated with foiffantooties. -- K. You should stop making up words that sound that silly. Try only using serious-sounding nonsense words from now on, foi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 15:07:47 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > killfile boath you yaps . On a WebTV, how do you do that? I suppose you could always change channels to the Game Show Network. Go right ahead, switch channels NOW! You'd be more likely to learn something useful, such as the price of a new car in 1973. > You never said anything worth shit. > 2 fucking dumbasses. > kibbo NEVER did any physis in his worthless life. > Stay poor you supiddumfuck. I may be a supiddum, but you're still a supidfoiffant, whatever that is. -- K. So are you going to force me to take all those imaginary dollars before or after you add me to your WebTV's imaginary killfile? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 19:47:44 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kibbooom can just post an account number . > KIBOOOM refuses to take the 2 million in cash . The imaginary boat > tured out to be a 20 millin usd ice breaker with more woodwork than the > titanic and does pack ice and is the Giant . I'm not disputing that your boat is 30000000 feet long and made of clear steel and can fly. I'm just saying it's completely imaginary. Can't we compromise? You admit that your boat and money are completely imaginary, and I'll admit that your boat and money can fly and shoot lasers out of George Washington's eyes. > For 4 years Kiboom made fun of it .. That was back when you were only eight feet tall. So, how tall are you now, and in how many dimensions? > I would not post its image till AFTER I SOLD IT..and then only because > the new owners show it off. > But I was sailing the planet on it and cant have all the pirets > knowing its real. Um, dude, if you're afraid of pirates, then there's something you should know about me. > Fuck that ..kibboom can make all the crap he wants he wount see the > Giant ice breaker wile Im living on it. So does your WebTV fit inside it, or vice versa? > Then one day 50 motherfucker ateshit when I posted the '' big red bote > "" : )) You know, I don't even understand your punctuation, let alone the filler between your punctuation. I was going to assume you couldn't even spell a smiley face, but then I realized you were probably just drawing an accurate self-portrait, deformo. > [...] > get T boaned ny another ship ,,,it might just take it. You could run it > up on dry land at 20 knots and not hurt it. It will take a roleover too. > Its not a yacht ,,its fucking biult !! > Kiboo hates the fact because assholes like him > cant comprehend the facts. > OHHHH a webtv !!!!! yea kibboooo think d let fuckheads mess with a $ > 10,000 PC when this webtv works here !! WebTV works somewhere? > In 10 years you never once found the PC and its on line too . You > might fuck my pc up and thats as stupid as parking a Viper when you > should have drove the old rusty truck and parked it. > Im not driving the 5 million usd car in here Ill drive the $ 200 VW > rust bucket so you cant fuck it up. > How many times has your PC been fucked up ? None, because I don't connect it to my invisible imaginary flying boat. Why do you drive your PC > when you can drive a old worthless truck in the fucking swamp > ????????????????? > This corona corola type writer on steroids was on line long befor > webtv exsisted. > BTW I posted trade leads with it !!!!!!!! > This webtv might work trade leads you cant read. Shure the webtv is > cheep ,,thats why my pc is safe . Uh huh. And your imaginary boat is _really_ cheap, which is why your virginity is safe. -- K. I think this is the first time I've ever been in a foiffant's imaginary killfile. Golly, I'll never get out unless I pretend really hard! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Foiffant! (was: Gasflow along surface) Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 04:11:16 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Kibbbboom... > giant2.jpg > Address:http://www.eliteyacht.com/images20/giant2.jpg Changed:4:51 PM on > Sunday, February 29, 2004 > > Imaginary big red boat still looks good : )) I said YOUR boat's imaginary, not the boat belonging to the people who are advertising charter boat trips on that Web site. You know what "charter" means, right? It means you're an idiot. So do you really look like your smiley? Do you eat with one of those mouths? > You should see the new boat. No way, you're not going to trick me into taking that much LSD. > You think I blew a ton of money in thialand woodworkers when Giant was > launched. No I don't. I don't even think you blew a ton of Thai woodworkers. You'd probably just start crying, "Waah, this man's winky tastes spicy, just like the previous fifty-three!" > I spent more on my new boat then most cruise ships cost. 120 million > then put 100 million into te ship I have now. A fill up is 1 million . > range is un-beleveable. AND HERE COME FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND MILLION BILLION DANCING BEARS! AND THEY'RE HOLDING UP THE WORLD'S SECOND LARGEST NEON SIGN WHICH IS FLASHING TEN TRILLION TIMES A SECOND AS IT SPELLS OUT "YES, IT IS!" AND THEY'RE FOLLOWED BY A TINY MOUSE HOLDING UP THE WORLD'S LARGEST NEON SIGN WHICH SAYS "EVEN I DON'T BELIEVE IT, AND I'M THE WORLD'S MOST GULLIBLE MOUSE!" AND THEN THEY ALL EXPLODED AND CONFETTI CAME OUT AND THE CONFETTI SPELLED "WOW, LOWERCASE TJ WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIS INCREDIBLE UNBELIEVABILITY! HOORAY FOR HIM BEING RIGHT!" EXCEPT NOBODY CAN READ THE MESSAGE SPELLED BY THE CONFETTI BECAUSE IT'S LATE AT NIGHT AND IT'S SO DARK THAT NOBODY CAN EVEN SEE PARAGRAPHS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPITALS. > 2 million bucks kiboo ,,all I want is a pic with it in your hands. I'm sorry, but my hands aren't imaginary enough to be able to touch your money. > Thats the easyest 2 million you will ever see. > now prove something kibboo ,,post a fact . Fact: You're a foiffant. Ha! You'll never be able to disprove that. Especially since it says "Fact:" on the same line and everything. > YOU are a fool if you dont take the 2 mill. > your a fool anyway ,,dont be a poor fool. > I gave away 200 million this year. > 2 more wount hurt. > I made over 1.4 billion last year. > I dont nead 23000 more acres ,,you take it. > be a man for once ,, Dude, I'm more of a man than you will ever be, and also, your imaginary boat's only two inches long. -- K. Oh, and your smiley needs a clown hat or two. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: miss Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:07:08 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > Nicko (duh.nicko@kriho.com) wrote: > > > > I miss teh MOO. > > > > Help. > > behold the answers to your questions! > > http://jarai.com/arkmoo/ > > ... or, at least, what I used when I had to reconfigure after Teh Big > Crrrash. Hey, how come you gave him an invite? Nobody's ever sent me an invite to whatever that weird stuff is! Also I don't understand the payment system -- does PayPal work or do I have to mail someone my credit card? -- K. Hey look! The hyphens lined up! That means I don't even have to try to think of something incredibly clever to say here! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: point thy chilifinger at thyself Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:24:08 -0400 'Cause, you know, I made an imaginary promise to keep y'all updated on every single little new detail of the World's Stupidest News Story About Chili So Far This Year. [www.sfgate.com] -> -> [...] -> -> Anna Ayala, 39, was arrested at her Las Vegas home Thursday night -> on a charge of felony attempted grand theft, including a penalty -> enhancement for inflicting more than $2.5 million in losses on -> Wendy's. The chain says its sales have plummeted since Ayala -> reported chomping down on a bit of severed finger in a bowl of -> chili at a San Jose Wendy's one month ago today. "Penalty enhancement". I like that phrase. It's like if hockey had lasers that could stop a fight by vaporizing people. Cool! -> Ayala was also charged with felony grand theft in an unrelated -> case, for allegedly swindling a Spanish-speaking woman out of -> $11,000 by "selling" her a San Jose mobile home that Ayala didn't -> own between September 2002 and November 2003. -> -> Ayala could face more than six years in prison if convicted. But will it be regular prison or enhanced prison? -> [...] -> -> Family friend Ken Bono said officers raided Ayala's home around 9 -> p.m. and caught Ayala alone as she was watching "Meet the Fockers" -> on video. -> -> "I had just left to get some soda at the store, and when I came -> back she was gone and there were cars from the (Las Vegas and San -> Jose) police," said Bono, 23, who lives with Ayala. Now this is reporting! Irrelevant details such as the fact that she chose to watch a Ben Stiller movie with inadequate soda! That's what makes these articles come alive! From now on, I want all other newspaper articles to tell me what mediocre movies people are watching while they're being arrested for being stupid. Hey, was it Ben Stiller's finger? -- K. I heard she came up with her genius chili plan while watching "Heavyweights". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: WOW COOL TOADS EXPLODE and also GERMAN TOADS EXPLODE TOO Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 18:41:01 -0400 An irresistible headline I saw linked from Fark.com. [beta.news.yahoo.com] -> -> Exploding toads baffle German experts Do you need a government license to be a certified Exploding Toad Expert in Germany, or can anyone with a pocketful of Alka-Seltzer do it? -> BERLIN (AFP) -- Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister -> end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded. One of the few sentences I remember from German class is the best line from an Aesop fable about that: "ER PLOTZT UND IST TOT!" Those Germans sure love their explodiphibians. -> According to reports from animal welfare workers and veterinarians -> as many as a thousand of the amphibians have perished after their -> bodies swelled to bursting point and their entrails were propelled -> for up to a metre (three feet). I hear that if you put a toad on a playground swing and push it so hard that it swings all the way around over the bar, it will turn inside-out before it explodes, which will be more of an implosion so it won't really hurt. -> It is like "a science fiction film", according to Werner Smolnik -> of a nature protection society in the northern city of Hamburg, -> where the phenomenon of the exploding toad has been observed. Which film would that be? "The Day The Toads Blew Up"? "The Toadboominator"? "THX-1138 Now With Exploding Toads And One Computer-Animated Ewok"? -> "You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then -> exploding." "And they do it even faster if you watch them through a magnifying glass in full sunlight." -> He said the bodies of the toads expanded to three and a half times -> their normal size. TOAD VIAGRA FOUND TO HAVE MINOR SIDE EFFECT -> "I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst. -> So bad has the death toll been that the lake in the Altona district -> of Hamburg has been dubbed "the pond of death." They should put up a "Pond Of Death" sign to warn the toads. -> Access to it has been sealed off and every night a biologist -> visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak time -> for batrachians to go bang. ...and SOCKO! and ZOWIE! and ZZWAPP! and QUICK, ROBIN, FINISH YOUR CIVICS HOMEWORK SO YOU CAN HELP ME FIGHT CRIME IN YOUR LITTLE GREEN PANTY! -> Explanations include an unknown virus, a fungus that has infected -> the water, or crows, which in an echo of the Alfred Hitchcock movie -> "The Birds", attack the toads, literally scaring them to death. I heard Lucille Ball also used to explode to death whenever she saw a picture of a bird. That's why she had to wear so much makeup in her later shows -- that layer of makeup was the only thing keeping her head from exploding. -- K. Wow, l'AFP went an entire article without mentioning Dracula. How do they know he isn't exploding those toads? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: WOW COOL TOADS EXPLODE and also GERMAN TOADS EXPLODE TOO Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:11:48 -0400 Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> BERLIN (AFP) -- Hundreds of toads have met a bizarre and sinister > > -> end in Germany in recent days, it was reported: they exploded. > > > > One of the few sentences I remember from German class is the best line > > from an Aesop fable about that: "ER PLOTZT UND IST TOT!" Those Germans > > sure love their explodiphibians. > > Whew! When I saw the post, Kibo, I'd thought you'd discovered what my > cousins and I did with firecrackers 45 years ago. No one's found out > -- oh wait -- damn you Kibo! YOU TRICKED ME! Ah, I always suspected you were a German. By the way, a word to the wise -- whenever an article like this one about exploding frogs simultaneously appears on all the screens on the Internet, if the person next to you starts laughing, don't go home with them. Note that I never laugh, I just smile sweetly. -- K. How come it's so hard to get three-hole ski masks these days? I really want a white one with red edging like the guys in "Unlucky Monkey" had. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Hey, I forgot to finish this article and you never noticed! Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 19:06:55 -0400 Back when the chilifinger story first broke, I posted this paragraph in the middle of an article about Glenn Knickerbocker's finger-related nightmare: Welcome to David Cronenberg's "Chilidrome". As in all his other movies, you can be expecting to grow a new penis-shaped brain lobe that gives you awesome mental powers and rapes giant millipedes while you sleep. Also the twist ending is that Jude Law is actually a ...but then the rest of the article continued, with that unfinished paragraph sitting in the middle of it. And not one of you people even tried to finish the overlooked thought for me. So, now that I've just noticed it, I have to go back and fix that paragraph. Welcome to David Cronenberg's "Chilidrome". As in all his other movies, you can be expecting to grow a new penis-shaped brain lobe that gives you awesome mental powers and rapes giant millipedes while you sleep. Also the twist ending is that Jude Law is actually Ronald McDonald in pinkface. There, wasn't that a vast improvement? Now Glenn can sleep happily. -- K. Sometimes life is like "Match Game", except without Brett Somers drooling on Richard Dawson's bald spot. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gideons for other books. Date: Sat, 23 Apr 2005 21:26:19 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] What if I started an organization of counter-Gideons, who > would provide hotels with free copies of Darwin's Origin of Species? Just be sure to put one in THE DRAKE HOTEL IN CHICAGO. That's THE DRAKE HOTEL IN CHICAGO. I believe mentioning it twice is sufficient to make it A VERY OBVIOUS PLOT POINT. I'll go get my fireman suit. But remember, I get to keep the laptop with the prototype RISC 686 AI processor. And by the way (screen tilts sixty degrees to the left) you've never seen me... very... upset. RED LIGHT!!! GREEN LIGHT!!! BUBBLICIOUS!!! There, I just blew up Jean Reno's helicopter to keep him from getting that American cable TV deal for his crappy new rollerball league. > Can you think of a book that might be better-suited for dissemination > of this kind? "Dianetics". No, just kidding, my serious answer is "TV Guide". > It would probably have to be in the public domain to be viable. Okay, then, "Public Domain TV Guide", which would be written by Tony Hendra and would not mention any real TV shows. -- K. How about Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Where does the earth's heat come from? Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 01:16:24 -0400 In sci.physics, apropos of something -- I'm not sure what, since he hasn't heard of quoting -- "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > The earth crust is as thin as a condom if the planet was a dick like > you. At last, a theory everyone can understand! Although, it fails to account for how Pizza Hut stuffs the cheese into the cheese-stuffed crust. If you were a pizza, would the cheese be stuffed into the crust around your brain, or would you have a Prince Albert in your can? -- K. Albert Einstein never posted to the Internet about his sick fantasies of having sex with a planet's molten core. If he had, he never would have gotten that Nobel Prize For Chastity. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A question... Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 13:34:16 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > > > Now, why *YOU'D* frequent a place serving cold zima is beyond me. > > Because no one goes anymore to the places that serve hot Zima. They're > too crowded. Last night I saw a Japanese movie titled "2LDK" (many Asian films these days have keyboard salads as titles, such as "I.K.U." and "PTU") which I think was supposed to be a wacky comedy like "The Odd Couple" about two aspiring actresses who share an apartment and thus spend all their time fighting to the death in a horribly bloody battle. (This passes for light comedy in Japan, or would if it were better done -- I found both characters so irritating that the movie seemed to drag on forever, even though it's only 70 minutes long.) Anyway, near the beginning, the only moment I found amusing was when the two gals find out they're being considered for the same part, and one of them says "That calls for a celebration!" and pulls out a quart bottle of Zima. Makes sense if you think about it -- Japanese people like stuff that tastes like lemon mixed with vinegar. They probably sprinkle Zima on their sushi instead of using it to dissolve the tarnish off their silverware like all right-thinking people should. Turns out they re-introduced Zima in 2002 after it had been off the market for several years. ("Hey, let's bring back one of the biggest flops in history!") I think the company may have been counting on the product placement in this obscure bad Japanese movie to be the gala re- launch event. Original Zima was promoted in a "Babylon 5" episode about a boxing match in outer space, and new and unimproved Zima in "2LDK". The only place in real life where I've ever seen signs advertising Zima, many years ago, was a nightclub that caters to the straight fetish community. And Zima fetish is not OK. -- K. Does this mean they're also going to re-introduce Crystal Pepsi and that clear beer even dogs wouldn't drink? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cutting the Goddamn Grass Date: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 23:54:54 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > Let me relay a quandary. > > We have a similar situation - too much green yard (not really "lawn"), > not enough ambition on the husband's (my) part. > > I had an idea. > > Goats. > > Meat Goats. > > [...] > > But: > > I can't kill a goat. Even one specifically labeled as a Meat Goat. Sheesh, man, the solution couldn't be more obvious. Get out the branding iron and specifically label the goat a Kill Me Goat. (Write big so you can read him even if he runs away, which he probably will do after the first letter, so you should also prepare yourself to kill any goat labelled "K", especially because he'd be kosher.) > [...] > > Now I have 6 Meat Goats, and a couple of pregnant does. None of which I > want killed. Then I suggest you built a GoatDome. Six goats enter! One goat exits! That way you only have to slaughter one, and it'll be easy because you'll already be jealous of him for being The Baddest Goat In The Whole GoatDome and all stuck-up and all. > So, tonight's word to the wise (such as they can learn) is: Don't accept > anything into your household unless you are ABSOLUTELY sure you can kill > and eat it. When your wife married you, she was sure she could... oh, never mind. Pleasant dreams! -- K. What other Meat Animals do you own, besides the Meat Owl and Meat Liverwort? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cutting the Goddamn Grass Date: Mon, 02 May 2005 17:34:02 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Will someone please beat me up over my definition of "masochist"? NO. -- K. I said, NO. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cutting the Goddamn Grass Date: Mon, 02 May 2005 22:38:33 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Will someone please beat me up over my definition of "masochist"? > > > > > > NO. > > > > I walked into that one like a doorknob... But not by choice. I made you do that. > Darla, bail me out here. I'm sorry, but you can't post bail until tomorrow morning. Until then, you'll have to stay in Special Jail. Do not taunt Warden Plutonium, as he's busy locking up Albert Einstein until he cries and admits he stole all his best ideas from Archie through the use of a secret hair-powered time machine. -- K. And I hope you learned your lesson about trying to touch any of the doorknobs in this all- electric Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Work at Eagle Leather Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 14:06:03 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I just saw a job posting for Eagle Leather (managing their website), > I am going to consider it. Did you read the part of the description about how that's only "0.6" of the job responsibility and the rest involves being a clerk in the store? Customers expect staff at such stores to be able to explain what each sale item feels like when used for its intended purpose. In other words, you'll have to be "intimately" familiar with the ins and outs of the toys they sell in this GAY SEX TOY STORE. Seriously, don't apply for a job in a gay sex toy store without reading the job description first, unless you're the sort of slut who will have sex with any store that asks. The part of the listing that should make you run away screaming is -> -> Maybe you would like to own or have a stake in the business and have the -> assets to support this interest, though it's not an essential for the job. ...i.e. a heavyhanded suggestion you should pay _them_ your life savings to work there. Maybe you can cut a deal -- if you're cute, they might let you work there for free. I imagine the part which attracted you was -> -> Working with us you will have the authority and responsibility which -> stimulates your top performance and contributes to our bottom line. There's several loud WINKs hovering in a cloud around that sentence. I'm surprised they didn't add any double-entendres concerning "enduring", "stiff", "spanking", or "colon". -- K. At last, I'm not the biggest pervert on this newsgroup. Thanks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good news Date: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 14:24:06 -0400 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > If the doctor had told me I got incurable optimism, I was ready to jump > off a cliff because I couldn't bear to go out that way. That's just too precious. Fortunately, there are hormone shots for that. They pump you full of testosterone and get you a job at the docks and in no time you won't be f'ing precious. > Well, it turns out I don't. I had all the symptoms, so it must have > been a spontaneous remission. Lately all my channels have been conducting their Required Spontaneous Weekly Test Of The Emergency Remission System on a daily basis. If there ever is a nuclear war, the Game Show Network really wants me to know about it. Their lawyer said otherwise if there was a war and I missed it, I could sue the Game Show Network for not telling me I was being vaporized. > Or maybe it was Creutzfeldt-Jacobs Disease all along. I find out next week. Been getting enough brains in your diet? Too many is as bad as too few. -- K. Call your doctor "sawbones" when you see him (or her.) They like jokes like that. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A whole new way for "Star Trek" to be ruined forever Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 21:33:21 -0400 From an article about the Toronto vice squad's ongoing efforts to stamp out child porn: [www.latimes.com] -> -> [...] -> -> On one wall is a "Star Trek" poster with investigators' faces -> substituted for the Starship Enterprise crew. But even that -> alludes to a dark fact of their work: All but one of the offenders -> they have arrested in the last four years was a hard-core Trekkie. Seriously, is there any more disturbing concept in the world than the idea that most pedophiles are Trekkies? Now us well-adjusted folks can never again watch "Star Trek" without feeling deeply horrified, instead of just nerdy. Sure, I could deal with the fact that "Star Trek"'s audience contains geeks and dweebs and people who write 500-page stories about Spock getting pregnant, but there's no way I can enjoy watching "Star Trek" ever again now that I know that child molesters enjoy the same show I do. Do you think we could get all these pedophiles to switch to liking "Star Wars" instead? After all, "Star Wars" was a children's movie... -> Det. Constable Warren Bulmer slips on a Klingon sash and shield -> they confiscated in a recent raid. "It has something to do with a -> fantasy world where mutants and monsters have power and where the -> usual rules don't apply," Bulmer reflects. "But beyond that, I -> can't really explain it." Well, since it's been proven that correlation causes causation, there are only two possible explanations: (1) liking "Star Trek" turns you into a pedophile, or (2) being a pedophile makes you eventually become a Trekkie. Scientists have not yet determined whether the large number of Trekkie pedophiles is all Wil Wheaton's fault for existing, or Clint Howard's. -> That is one of the biggest challenges of the Child Exploitation -> Section's work. They need to get inside the minds of the victims -> and the perpetrators to find them, but there is only so far they -> can -- or want to -- go. But still they do go to the extra step of confiscating Klingon uniforms from the creeps they bust. Some of these sorts of investigators became cops so they could get pedophiles off the streets, some became cops so they could have easy access to all the child porn in the world, and some became cops just so they could get free Klingon sashes. Of course, we only have these Toronto cops' word that Trekkies are child molesters. Maybe that's only true in Canada. Maybe it's a side effect of eating poutine. Can science _prove_ that eating poutine won't turn people into Trekkie pedophiles? -- K. And wasn't the character of Kes on "Star Trek: Voyager" supposed to be a three-year-old going through super-puberty? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Man, it's been off the air for years and I'm still discovering new reasons to dislike "Voyager". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Russian Spankological Protocol in the news yet again Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 00:42:43 -0400 Remember this news story? And how it kept mutating between "spanking", "caning", "whipping", "flogging", and other useful words? It's back... [www.sptimesrussia.com] -> -> A Siberian Psychiatrist's Method for Beating Alcoholism -> -> By Kevin O'Flynn -> STAFF WRITER -> -> Alexei says he was an irredeemable alcoholic until he met Marina. -> He gave up drinking after the Novosibirsk psychiatrist beat him on -> the buttocks with a flexible rod. I wonder which medical problems would need to be cured with an inflexible rod. -> Alexei is among a handful of alcoholics and drug addicts who have -> received the unorthodox treatment, which literally attempts to -> beat their addictions out of them. The therapy was devised by -> Marina Chukhrova, a psychiatrist with 20 years' experience -> treating drug addicts and alcoholics, and Sergei Speransky, a -> senior researcher at a Novosibirsk medical institute. -> -> Patients are required to undergo at least one session of 300 blows -> to the buttocks per week during the first three weeks of treatment. 300! Per session! That's... sort of... a... lot. We're talking serious Marquis-de-Sade-writing-his-new-record-on-the-fireplace-mantel numbers here. In fact, we're even talking Ayn-Rand-reading-Marquis-de-Sade's-record-off- the-slightly-flawed-mantlepiece numbers. -> After that, they receive beatings at their own request That's what the Russians _always_ claim. "And then he begged to be given a free lifetime vacation in Siberia, then after that he beat himself to death, and then wrote a full confession." -> but no less than once per month. Well, once isn't so bad. Unless "once" means "300 times", which I suspect it does, because hitting someone just once wouldn't be a very effective cure for anything. -> Chukhrova explained the treatment as such: Alcoholics and drug -> addicts, especially those addicted to opiate-based substances such -> as heroin, suffer from a lack of endorphins, otherwise known as -> happiness hormones. As a result, the sensitivity of the top layer -> of skin is reduced, making addicts "uncomfortable in their own -> skins." The beatings -- which Chukhrova sometimes administers but -> are usually carried out by male staff -- make patients "feel their -> own bodies" again and reduce cravings for drugs and alcohol. But afterwards, the patients suffer increased cravings for spicy, crunchy tacos and Buffalo wings and pizza and giant milkshakes and doughnuts and White Castles and chocolate bunnies dunked in Tabasco. -> Since she and Speransky began their studies in 2003, Chukhrova has -> admitted 10 patients for treatment. Four patients disappeared -> after a few beatings, AND LO! OVER THE HORIZON! HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF oh, I don't know why I even bother trying any more. My job is just getting too easy. -> but that was due to a relapse into their addictions rather than -> a desire to be spared the rod, Chukhrova said. The other six patients -> are in remission, she said. In Russia, "re" spells "sub"! -> She insisted that the beatings are not sadomasochistic. DANCING BEARS OF sigh. I may just have to retire the dancing bears, they serve little purpose in today's modern super-stupid society. -> "It's not that kind of rod. You can't hit too hard," she said. Then you're not doing it right. If it's a flexible rod, what you can't do is hit too _accurately_. And it better be flexible if you're going to do 300 strokes with it unless you plan on replacing it ten times per session and spending lots of your time picking shards of acrylic out of the shag rug. -> Patients bruise but do not bleed, she said. "It is cheap and -> effective. It is serious, and the most important thing is that it -> helps. They are cured." Look, I'm not arguing with the fact that it works really well. I'm just saying it's still completely stupid, even though it's cheap and effective and safe and fine and dandy. Not that there's anything wrong with doing stupid stuff, especially when it's fun. But come on, "It is serious," is _not_ something you can say about a Russian woman in a nurse's uniform whipping someone's bare bottom three freakin' hundred times. It's quite silly. Why else would they be doing it in all those wacky comedy movies you can buy at any porno store? -> Chukhrova and Speransky acknowledged that their scientific peers -> were skeptical of their work and therefore they preferred to keep -> a low profile. -> -> "I don't want to publicize it," said Chukhrova, DANCING BEARS OF lalalalalalalalala I am not mentioning what the dancing bears are doing lalalalalalalalalalalalalala -> who works at Novosibirk's Institute of Hygiene. -> -> Speransky, who asked that his institute not be identified, said he -> developed the treatment after testing it on himself. RUN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I CAN'T HOLD THE DANCING BEARS BACK ANY LONGER! -> He said getting a beating every Sunday helped him recover from -> depression and two heart attacks. Speransky's previous experiments -> have included testing whether Orthodox icons have a healing effect -> on mice. Those seem awfully big to spank a mouse with. -> A national search for cures for drug addiction and alcoholism has -> created a market for treatments that range from detoxification -> clinics -- like those used in the West -- to hypnotism, black magic -> and home remedies. The use of violence is not unheard of. In -> Yekaterinburg, a local nongovernmental organization -- reportedly -> supported by the Uralmash organized crime group -- has handcuffed -> drug addicts to beds to wean them off drugs. Wait, that's just restraint, not violence! Restraint is a legitimate medical procedure, as anyone who's ever had an MRI, a back brace, a full-body cast, or a Birkenstock fitting can tell you. -> In Dagestan's mountainous districts of Karamakhi and Chabanmakhi, -> Islamic fundamentalists in the 1990s treated drug addicts by -> beating them with sticks and forcing them to carry out hard labor. Why doesn't anyone ever get forced to carry out easy labor? I think that would be a form of punishment that would be acceptable to everyone, even Amnesty International -- instead of being sentenced to be caned for ten minutes, someone could be sentenced to turn the pages of a 500,000-page "TV Guide". -> When asked for his assessment of the unusual new method for curing -> drug addiction, the Health Ministry's chief substance abuse doctor, -> Nikolai Ivanets, blurted out, "Not the one with boiling water!" Hey, so _that's_ the translation of what the guy said in that old "Zippy The Pinhead" book that had a panel concerning "jokes told by Balkan medical examiners." I had been wondering about that for fifteen years. Thanks, Dr. Nik! Oh, wait, I just remembered that what the panel actually said was "puns favored by Balkan medical examiners," and that was no pun. Damn you and your ordinary, non-pun-favoring joke, Dr. Nik! -> Told that the treatment involved beating patients' buttocks, he -> started laughing. "It would be better if they beat berries. That's -> my commentary," he said, making a play on the Russian words -> yagoda, or berry, and yagoditsy, or buttocks. HAND PUPPET: "Luke, cane you three hundred times I must!" WHINY TEEN: "Gosh, Yoda, then will I be a Jedi Knight?" HAND PUPPET: "Um, sure, kid. Now over bend!" -> Skeptics aside, the important thing for Alexei, the patient in -> Novosibirsk, is that he is no longer drinking after a year in -> treatment. "You feel like an idiot during it. Imagine being beaten -> on the ass," he said. I can't until the reporters settle on whether it's a whip or a cane or a spanking machine or whatever. Then we can get down to the brass tacks of what length, diameter, and material the cane was, and what the naughty nurse or mad scientist or pirate was wearing, and only then can I spend lots of time imagining this treatment. How come these articles never have photos? I want to see the guy's face when the naughty nurse can't remember whether she's on 293 or 294 and has to start all over. -> "You cry, scream, curse." -> -> Alexei, who asked that his last name and profession not be -> published, said he had tried various other treatments, from -> hypnosis to injections to the head, Wait, wait, hold it, stop the presses. Injections to the HEAD? It would be horrifying enough if the injection were to a specific part of the head, such as the tongue or eyeball, but an injection in the WHOLE HEAD? Wouldn't that make your skull pop? -> but he had always returned to drink. And he said he had loved -> to drink. "I had done everything from spirit to eau de cologne," -> he said. Eh. You know, I've never cared for booze. -> Alexei said that he initially dismissed the beatings as nonsense -> but was impressed by Chukhrova's conviction, "YOU VEEL KNEEL! YOU HAVE BEEN A NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY COMRADE AND YOU VEEL SUBMIT YOURSELF FOR EXTREMELY PROPER TREATMENT! YOU ARE NOT A COP?" Or alternatively, "Why do you keep seeing that sadistic doctor?" "Beats me!" -> and that he checked himself in for treatment at the start of what -> otherwise would have been a long drinking bout. -> -> He said he woke up the day after the first beating with no wish -> for a pokhmelitsya, a drink of alcohol to cure a hangover. The question is, when he woke up the next day, was he camping? -> He said he had lost all desire to drink but did not publicize the -> kind of treatment he had undergone. Well, I assume the type of treatment was the one the rest of this article was discussing, because otherwise this drunken Russian masochist has just WASTED MY VALUABLE TIME! AND I DO NOT LIKE HAVING MY TIME WASTED! I AM NOT TELLING HIM TO APOLOGIZE, I AM JUST INFORMING HIM THAT THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES! -> The result was the important thing, he said, not how he had -> gotten there. Or how the Vaseline had gotten all over his camping gear. -> Or as his common-law wife told him before he underwent the -> treatment: "Do whatever you want, so long as we can live a -> normal life and you don't fall back on drink." As Aleister Crowley said to the Marquis de Sade, "Do what thou wilt. Caning is dandy but liquor is..." Eh, I got nothin'. I'll just bring out the bears again... OH LOOK! HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF "THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO BELIEVE"! AND THEY'RE HOPPING AND TWIRLING AND PRANCING AS THEY HOLD UP A GIANT BILLBOARD THAT CLAIMS THAT AT LEAST ONE PERSON IN RUSSIA IS NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! -- K. Because I don't drink, I have no vices. "Cruelty is a virtue, not a vice." -- Marquis de Sade ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Russian Spankological Protocol in the news yet again Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 19:35:38 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Patients are required to undergo at least one session of 300 blows > > -> to the buttocks per week during the first three weeks of treatment. > > > > 300! Per session! That's... sort of... a... lot. We're talking > > serious Marquis-de-Sade-writing-his-new-record-on-the-fireplace-mantel > > numbers here. In fact, we're even talking Ayn-Rand-reading-Marquis- > > de-Sade's-record-off- the-slightly-flawed-mantlepiece numbers. > > It's almost Francois-Truffaut-getting-in-trouble-for-stuff-everyone- > else-is-doing sort of numbers. THIS IS ZOLTAN KODALY FETISH Other than that, I have no clue what you're talking about, unless it's something about that scene in "Fahrenheit 451" where we lose the ability to feel enmity for the evil firemen when we see a close-up of the books they're burning and "Greasy MAD Stuff" is on top of the pile. -- K. You know that the title "The 400 Blows" doesn't have much to do with oral sex, right? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Francois Truffaut (was: Russian Spankological Protocol) Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 19:14:26 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] that scene in "Fahrenheit 451" where we lose the ability > > to feel enmity for the evil firemen when we see a close-up of the books > > they're burning and "Greasy MAD Stuff" is on top of the pile. > > Speak for yourself; I have the ability to feel enmity for anyone, > even the terminally ill. But what if they _want_ you to feel enmity for them? Are you the sort of sadist who hates people who want to be hated, or the sort of sadist who goes out of his way to be creepily nice to people who want to be hated? When you applaud Andy Kaufman, are you doing so sarcastically? 'Cause that would be playing right into his trap. And then he'd win, especially if you were wrestling him at the time. > > You know that the title "The 400 Blows" doesn't have much to > > do with oral sex, right? > > Well I know that NOW. Thanks for not telling me before I rented it, though. However, there is some in that deleted scene from "Close Encounters: The Extra-Extra-Special Edition" where after Francois Truffaut opens communication with the aliens by using that stadium scoreboard to play "Dueling Banjos", the aliens come down the ramp and make him squeal like a pig. Uh oh, that's a John Boorman reference. Now I have to think of something to say about Sean Connery wearing a pink diaper. Ecch! -- K. Body hair is good, but body hair plus pink diaper is really, really wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I cringe. Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 19:54:40 -0400 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Subject: I cringe. > > Every time the phone rings. It rings like 100 times a day. I can think of several horror movies you should see. And remember, any one of those calls might contain the secret signal that turns you into a frog and then turns the frog back into a tadpole and then separates the tadpole into a tad and a pole and then uses the pole to vault the tad over the wall that separates us from where the people who eat tads live. -- K. So, what's your phone number? Never mind, I'll just get it off the restroom wall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I cringe. Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 21:44:37 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Is it unreasonable for a wife to ask her family to please > > not call around the time we eat supper? Is it unreasonable for > > someone to ask their wife to ask her family to not call during > > the dinner hour unless it is important? > > It is not unreasonable in either case. It's not even unreasonable for > you and your wife to get to define what's "important". However, and this > is the unfortunate part, it's ALSO not unreasonable for your wife to > claim it is unreasonable. Especially if the two of you eat dinner 24 hours a day. > The solution is to get an answering machine and somehow train your > wife to, when you say "Let the answering machine get it, we're > EATING SUPPER", let the answering machine get it. However, I have no > idea how one would go about doing that, because I'm long since trained > to let the answering machine get it, and so don't see why other people > can't do this eminently sensible thing. They should just invent meals that come packaged inside the mouthpieces of disposable telephones, so you can chomp while you chat. It would be like that old Marx Brothers stage routine where, in the background, Harpo starts eating the telephone, until the day when Groucho and Chico take away his licorice phone prop and substitute one made from painted dogshit. I've always wondered if that story was true. It sounds like the sort of thing the Marx Brothers would have done to each other, because they were ten times funnier than Abbott & Costello and therefore they must have been allowed to be even meaner to each other. > Alternatively, you could give your wife a cellphone with attached headset > for Christmas, and train her family to only call her on her cellphone... Or you could shoot her family. Did you ever think of that? I bet you didn't, genius. KILLING PEOPLE IS ALWAYS THE EASIEST SOLUTION TO ANY MINOR INCONVENIENCE. -- K. Gotta go, it was dinner time an hour ago. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 20:30:04 -0400 In sci.med, "joss" (sicile72@voila.fr) wrote: > > Last minute: Benoit XVI authorizes the port of the condom on the head. > Great! It appears that it will be tendency this winter. But better is > to carry it on the left or on the right side? > To form an idea yourself of what it seems, just take a look on: > http://www.litterateur.org/index.php?mod=articles&ac=commentaires&id=232 I did, and it was just some blurrytacular, flash-nuked pictures of a teeny little artist's mannikin. With a condom. The condom is what was supposed to make it funny, I guess. I can also get a condom over my head -- even though I'm size 7 5/8 -- and my head is big too -- but that's not what makes me even more qualified than the blurry little manikin to be the next tiny wooden silly Pope. It's that if I became Pope, I would declare myself to be "Captain Shazbot XVI", and would issue a papal edict that "XVI" must be pronounced as "zivvy". What worries me is that French people waste time putting condoms on their little dollies. -- K. Don't ask what Germans put condoms on. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 14:47:07 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What worries me is that French people waste time putting condoms on > > their little dollies. > > > > -- K. > > > > Don't ask what Germans > > put condoms on. > > Ja. He Kibo. Was Deutsche gesetzte Kondome an tun? Germans put CONDOMS †BER ALL!!!!! In Germany, a gummikrankenschwester isn't a government-approved gummikrankenschwester unless she's wrapped in an extra layer of squeaky-clean full-body latex. This is because German beds are unforgiving slabs of solid granite, but they still like to bounce each other around the room during sex. Also, they prefer the smell of all that rubber to the toxic levels of chocolate-covered-cherry-tree fumes coming from the Black Forest. Are you happy now that you've asked, pervert? Now DON'T ASK what Malaysians put fermented shrimp paste on. That stuff is gross! -- K. Americans put condoms on different things than any other country, because our condoms have to be bigger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Tue, 03 May 2005 01:36:49 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you happy now that you've asked, pervert? Now DON'T ASK what > > Malaysians put fermented shrimp paste on. That stuff is gross! > > I claim half the royalties on any product/service you begin > relating to "Ask A Pervert". Um, sorry, you're considerably too late to that party. I thought of writing an advice column for perverts way back before either of us was even born! I can do that because I have a time machine powered by the invisible squiggly lines that connect all perversions throughout history. I used it to offer Fatty Arbuckle a Coke, and I suggested that Catherine The Great buy a pony, and I taught Freud to suck on his first training cigar. Before I travelled to meet all the great perverts throughout history, a Sacher-Masoch was some sort of chocolate cake, Procrustes put out a comfy sleeping bag for his guests, Percy Grainger ran a grainge, and Nikola Tesla was the third Wright brother, but I changed all that history to make it much more interesting. I even got Albert Dekker a blind date. So don't you try to bogart my exploitation of the wonders of perversion. 'Cause I can always hop in my time machine and go back and do it in front of cavemen long before you even discovered you could pull the legs off Lego spacemen and put them on backwards so that their two butt-holes were in the front. -- K. Anyway, Playmobil people are much sexier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Fri, 06 May 2005 02:49:22 -0400 TomH (address@my.sig) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I even got Albert Dekker a blind date. > > You know wayyyyy too much about perverts and their perverted perversions. It's not possible to know too much about a pervert. If that was possible, the TV wouldn't keep showing that noseless pedophile creep with Barbie- colored skin and a pet chimp named Bubbles. You know, Andy Rooney. (NOT HIS REAL NAME. I have changed Michael Jackson's name to "Andy Rooney" to protect the innocent kids the two of them molested.) Also, how do you know I wasn't making any of that up, you pervert? > At least dead ones. Nobody's perverted enough until after they're dead. Some of the dead ones are still getting even more perverted, such as the way Eric Gill was exhumed and then reburied on top of his true love in the pet cemetary. And I heard that next week Ben Franklin's corpse is going to be interred inside the science museum's lightning machine. So when are they going to make a movie about the life of Fatty Arbuckle? I want to see which soft-drink company pays for that product placement. Do you think A&W still has the money to do that, or did they blow it all on the rapist in "Supergirl"? -- K. I'm sure everyone would want to see "Louie Anderson IS Fatty Arbuckle!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Fri, 06 May 2005 21:56:36 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Just in case there's one person somewhere in the world who hasn't > heard one of my favorite works of poetry: > > There once was a fellow named Clyde > Who fell down a privy and died > Along came his brother > Who fell down the other > And now they're interred side by side. That's not a poem, that's a limerick! Limericks are just puns that rhyme! Write me a Shakespearean sonnet where the punchline is "interred", then I'll believe you that wacky poetry can be about turds. -- K. Poetry ain't easy to talk about because you got to use gobs of real big words. (A villanelle ain't the same as a dominatrix!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The pope allows condom! Date: Fri, 06 May 2005 19:31:13 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So when are they going to make a movie about the life of Fatty Arbuckle? > > I want to see which soft-drink company pays for that product placement. > > Cut it out, Kibo. I swear you do this just to troll me and it won't work. > > Must. Resist. > > OK, just a little rebuttal: when Virginia Rappe died of internal > bleeding at one of Arbuckle's parties, one of the arguments against Roscoe > Arbuckle was that his bulk crushed her insides liek bug. This may have > been convincing back in the 1920s when there was only 4 fat people in the > world (Arbuckle, Nero Wolfe, Santa Claus, and Hughie Mack), but we all > know that if fat people really could accidentally smoosh their partners to > death, we'd be in the midst of a Sex Death Smoosh epidemic RIGHT NOW. As Marc Goodman already pointed out but I'm pretending I didn't read because I want everyone to think I read articles in chronological order, I was referring to the most common scurrilous rumor about Ms. Rappe's death, which was that he shoved a Coca-Cola bottle up her and apparently she was such an energetic little slut that she Kegelcized it so hard that it exploded within her body, severing all of her nerves and arteries and spraying him with blood causing him to run through an elegant dinner party dripping with a mixture of Coke and blood and body parts at which point several people's monocles fell into their vichyssoise. Sometime later than I wrote my article about me reading what he wrote below, Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > OK, just a little rebuttal: when Virginia Rappe died of internal > > bleeding at one of Arbuckle's parties, one of the arguments against > > Roscoe Arbuckle was that his bulk crushed her insides liek bug. [...] > > No, no, no, yes, I mean no. Kibo is referring to the _other_ > urban legend, that Fatty Arbuckle was masturbating her with a > Coke[tm] bottle, and that's what caused the damage. > > I'm not quite sure why I felt you needed to know that, but > that's why it's A GOOD TROLL. Also because he weighed over 900 pounds, which is why his parents named him "Fatty". Originally they had wanted a girl and were going to name their baby "Patty" but then they wised up when they saw the 900-pound baby. And then, long after I posted this, Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I'm not quite sure why I felt you needed to know that, but > > that's why it's A GOOD TROLL. > > (Taking the hook) > And it turned out Virginia Rappe had an illegal abortion, but the > Hearst newspapers were selling too well to print the truth, until > Arbuckle was acquitted. Those Coke-bottle abortions only work if you shake the bottle up really hard before taking the cap off. > "Kevin Meany IS Fatty Arbuckle!" Don't worry, Encyclopedia Brown will catch him lying. We all know the real reason "Bugs" Meany aka Roscoe Lee Arbuckle aka Fatty Arbuckle aka Will B. Goode aka Kevin Meany aka Mean Kevin Wilson caused Virginia Rappe's death was because gold has a lower melting point than silver, or dogs can't see colors, or something else that would seem like a lame and pointless science lesson to all but the most boring nerds, and just make Harry Stephen Keeler fans yawn. But still, Encyclopedia Brown was the best blaxploitation star of the '70s, especially in that one movie where he taught Huggy Bear how to tell salt from sugar with an ordinary household microscope. Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Marc Goodman (marc.goodman@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > I'm not quite sure why I felt you needed to know that, but > > that's why it's A GOOD TROLL. > > Kibo's got a few good ones up his sleeve. A few? I've got a whole six-pack under my shirt. And they're Old Coke, not the icky corn-syrup-based Classic Coke. -- K. Fatty Arbuckle's movies weren't all that funny, no matter how fat he got. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You are like GODS to them! Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 06:00:59 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Yeah, so I'm back and stuff. Having spent an inoridnate amount of time > posting to other chatrooms, I came across a startling revelation, one which > scared me to the very core of my being. People in other froups actually > IDOLIZE KIBO!!!111!!1!!!!!!one hundred eleven!!!!! I'm sorry, but no matter how hard you try, you won't convince me to go sing on "American Idol", partly because I refuse to sing on any show I'd rather shoot myself than watch, but mainly because I'm so tone-deaf that Her Majesty's government filed an Asbo saying I can never sing on TV, even though I'm an American and "American Idol" probably isn't seen on British TV the same way that the new "Doctor Who" isn't seen on American TV. (And both shows feature singing Daleks.) > No seriously. And you know what burns me up? A couple weeks ago I improvised a thousand words in the style of "Finnegan's Wake", which I've never read or even pretended to read, and yet nobody commented on my utter geniusness at spewing out fuh-reeeeeee spuh-eeeee-ach, possibly because they mistakenly assumed I had an insane ghostwriter, but more likely because people took my thousand words seriously instead of pointing and laughing at how great they were. Hey look there's another one of those rotten old typographical "rivers" here. Anyway stop looking at the river until after you've absorbed the brilliance of this reposting of my awesome EFF!-ree ESS!-peech and commented on my utter wonderfulness. Now I want to see some comments, guys. /////////////////////////////// ///////////////// RE-RUN BEGINS /////////// A purple green lemon nougat thing has walls around leftover sherbet. What sherbet would Bert wart if Bert's warts were wet? Lemon nougat without drops. Chocolate drops. Turkey balls. Fish flame fell down the log flume into pantsless Pete's spinning nougat. His nougat's spinning dizzied dampless pants. Pronto photo lab retriever jingled Barclaycard's Barclay's beets, sugar sugar, lemon nougat without more drops. It smells. My favorite letter is "nougat" but word turd not frequently seen on the silver screen meme cantilevered cantaloupe. If a cantaloupe, no one can. Whee whee whee whee whee said the Benny Hill. He died and so can you in cars. Undersecretary pants command last respects. If purple then lemon not nougat, green walls with balls of haughty, fa la la la la la la la linoleum, cantaloupe linoleum, not nougat now. If I get stuck give me a push. Remote controlled cars are far but faster is liquor. Unhinge, unhinge, dirigible linoleum with cantaloupe nougat overhanging underhanded Pete. Where Pete comes in. Never ignore Pete's potential. Him in Jell-O. Small concern of mine if remote controlled cantaloupe falls on turkey balls. The turkeys gobble up when the walls fall down, the turkeys gobble down with a hi-de-ho. Hello, ho! This is all about my nougat. Smell the smell that favors well the way to tell the sea to sell the sheets you sell that smell like hell, Pete Benny Bell. Pat the bunny, I said pat the bunny or go to hell. Rancidities. Langour. Art and Garfunkel. And and and and. The Fentons' credenza lends a camphor elegance to flaming nougat turds. Cram it, clown lips. Particles smaller than nougat can't wake the walls, cannot hear them all but eat well like a tuba. Eat well like two tubas or don't tuba at all. Squeeze the tuba from the bottom. Tuba paste goes in your ear and sounds minty loud. Angry loud, you clod. The magnetic void of nougat misses the mark when it first comes to play, with a hey-nonny-hey and balls of linoleum's arty cans. Man. If I should die before a nougat, I eat the Lord and the fish he bake. Crispy critters Jell-O the dotted Q, "bouquet" of Q, boo-hoo. Femtovirus head. Inner thoughts relaxing in the pool where chocolate drops but can't flush, by Barclaycard melted in the breeze, dinner burnt by force of law. Haw law, haw law, haw law, haw law, haw haw doe law, burn the doe law, law the burn doe, Joe the Don Doe, burn Joe the Don Doe Baker. Eat God at Joe's. Tissues and scraps and fish flames in the photo jingler's jungle gyne, Spirographing across the land of Dairy Clone. A single vowel holds no water unless wet, and everything is too wet to be wet unless dry. Dry is a lie. Scams are tubas that don't play. Eat the tuba, eat the tuba. Tuba on you. You the tuba, you the nougat, free at last, coupons on Friday. Dum-da-dum-dum. Book 'em, dictionary. Cranky old world. If eat the when, wind the walls, blow the balloon with new nougat. Nuclear cat on the mat! Don't eat the cat! Sandwiches never lie, never ugnore Pete's retential. Pete has a shoes. Q and Pete went to the alphabet to buy a woodwich. But she was a badwich. Lasers for hair and feet for heads, slimy like a rained-out elastic waste land. Boinggggg! It's Richard Simmons again. Obviously not. Nobody can. Take my letter away. It's not a Q it's not a nougat it's blue and not tree. Spank spank spankity flank. Roooooooooopa vieja! Camisole with butter nougat and no Pete Bunny and his dots. Stop dotting the T's. Ingle jungle English riding jungle grime. It's a gas, Dan. Marie's last resport cancelled all credit curds lax operative, dial tree to get out. Put on baggy pants and bark. Barking rad. Smamop top of the topic tree, spam spam look at me. If ever we needed a now, then we don't need it when. Russell Crowe is an asshole. Masters and Johnson shine their shoes with love. Love is a tuba of fun but fun burns the law. Dum-da-dum-dum, Joe Don Friday burned the tar. Burn the tar in Tarvard Yard, you nard. If there's a will, there's a wall. There's a wall on. Now is the time for all good menials to come to the yard in their panties. Spirograph that to Headquarters, chief. Rigorously wiggle that squiggle through the land of Dairy Green. Remote controlled food basters blasting up the lawn, you kids get off my dinner. Dinner duper dee winner, deedle dee, deedle die. Eat dinner and die. Manly bannisters fancy canisters lance Armstrong's landing pad where he left nut. Do the mighty dance. Rewind, rewind, be hind. Nougat sees where it bleeds but a cat goes where it knows. Always clean the letterbox. Vowels stick to the roof of your house. Twerps! Softer and redder but tastes like plastic because sharp fox can't stop from living the dinner. Never live over the dinner but under. Flaxen wared naughties in their canties hell got a snail, look how nobody eats panties under there. Benny Hill of cantaloupe flame nailed the headboard to the west wing. Flap flap floppity flap up your uncle Bub. Wuggity woob woobler goob, smerp smerp spoip gloop gleep cancer, there's always your answer. Of course it's illegal in your estate. Cantaberous aspirin and soylent asbestos from the master asbestor poison the nougat for lax, whence what stopped can't wind racks. Effectually simmering the slimming Simmons for his snacks, whack whack, don't grow back. Tongue salad, no nuts. Hands off my arms. Buster you face. Underhandable evil Maalox a mess. For every action there is area traction. Of course it's a spasm of a different molar. Core lunt spied on Benny's hollow hill for the cookies and Keebled it up good. This was only a tesseract. ///////////////////////////////////////////////// RE-RUN ENDS ///////////// There, see how special I was two weeks ago? And yet not one of you peons has offered me my own TV show! Not even a lousy game show modelled on "Match Game '77" except with mock executions! I DEMAND JUSTICE AND THE HEAD OF CHARLES NELSON REILLY. -- K. I want to hurt everybody. But because I am a nice person, I channel that unbelievable rage into the energy to make my prose so spectacularly enjoyable, you dinks. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You are like GODS to them! Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 19:37:17 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And you know what burns me up? A couple weeks ago I improvised a > > thousand words in the style of "Finnegan's Wake", which I've never > > read or even pretended to read, and yet nobody commented on my > > utter geniusness at spewing out fuh-reeeeeee spuh-eeeee-ach, [...] > > A few years ago it would have been Joycean, but now it's sort of > like what you get when your search terms have been co-opted by > those guys who make slightly pornographic web pages that open up > zillions of pop-ups (or try to, anyway) and have all this invisible > text that's like: > > slowly she lowered her nougat helmet danger danger onto his throbbing > nougat helmet danger danger. Annie turned around and said "nougat > helmet danger danger", ignoring the lesbians who were downloading > free nougat helmet danger danger. Looking for free nougat helmet > danger danger they booked a hotel in nougat helmet danger danger Yes, but see, my point was that I made it up and wrote it all by myself without any assistance from either Google or knowledge of James Joyce, which makes me smarter than Google plus James Joyce. I'm even smarter than a network of 10^100 James Joyces (each drunker than the last.) And I improvised it at the drop of a hat on a dare in a short period for no financial gain, which makes me even more better than James Joyce because he got paid for whatever the hell that stuff he wrote was, and he spent his whole life doing it, while merely posted it and then went out to the supermarket or something like a normal, well-adjusted super-genius who doesn't dwell on his own incredible genius would do. Also, I can tell which one of Spock! Must! Die! simply by looking at them, given that every fifteen seconds Regular Spock raises his _right_ eyebrow to express utter befuddlement at even the simplest events around him. Presumably this means that Evil Reflected Spock would lower his left eyebrow. Also his ears would be less pointy than a human's. And he'd be played by Martin Landau. And pronounce his name "kcopS". And be in "Star Wars". And people would demand that nerds write more fan-fiction about him having heterosexual sex with Mary Sue. So you see, I'm smarter than James Joyce, Google, and Spock combined, not to mention handsomer than any giant blob of two people fused with one computer network. -- K. Also, the Nougat Helmet Danger Danger is a legitimate sexual technique, not that you'll ever get past a Bent Twizzler. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A noble attempt to criminalize reading my articles in Alabama. Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 16:14:21 -0400 [www.cbsnews.com] -> -> Alabama Bill Targets Gay Authors -> MONTGOMERY, Ala., April 27, 2005 -> -> A college production tells the story of Matthew Sheppard, a -> student beaten to death because he was gay. -> -> And soon, it could be banned in Alabama. -> -> Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen says homosexuality is an -> unacceptable lifestyle. As CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassmann -> reports, under his bill, public school libraries could no longer -> buy new copies of plays or books by gay authors, or about gay -> characters. But won't the kids' section be awfully empty without Tinky-Winky, SpongeBob SquarePants, Bert & Ernie, and Peppermint Patty? -> "I don't look at it as censorship," says State Representative -> Gerald Allen. "I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls -> and minds of our children." -> -> Books by any gay author would have to go: Tennessee Williams, -> Truman Capote and Gore Vidal. Alice Walker's novel "The Color -> Purple" has lesbian characters. -> -> Allen originally wanted to ban even some Shakespeare. Yeah, get rid of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 'cause of all those fairies. But keep the stuff with only straight characters. It's so healthy and genteel. You know, like "Titus Andronicus". -> After criticism, he narrowed his bill to exempt the classics, -> although he still can't define what a classic is. A classic is anything a moron can't define. Note how easily I just defined what a classic is. This is because a moron is anyone who can't define a classic. -> Also exempted now Alabama's public and college libraries. And certain words deleted because all verbs gay. -> Librarian Donna Schremser fears the "thought police," would be -> patrolling her shelves. Why is it that the thought police never seem to think too hard? -> "And so the idea that we would have a pristine collection that -> represents one political view, one religioius [sic] view, that's -> not a library,'' says Schremser. That's why the Christian Scientists call theirs "reading rooms" and not "libraries". Well, actually, that's only a small part of the reason. The main reason they don't put up signs saying "library" is that they don't want Don Saklad stopping by. -> "I think it's an absolutely absurd bill," says Mark Potok of the -> Southern Poverty Law Center. -> -> First Amendment advocates say the ban clearly does amount to -> censorship. -> -> "It's a Nazi book burning," says Potok. "You know, it's a -> remarkable piece of work." -> -> But in book after book, Allen reads what he calls the "homosexual -> agenda," and he's alarmed. Well, that's what he gets for subscribing to The Gay Book-Of-The-Month Club. Also, _real_ gay porn doesn't really have an agenda, or plot. -> "It's not healthy for America, it doesn't fit what we stand for," -> says Allen. Um, you're not supposed to stand during the gay porn, if you're doing it right. Maybe he can't sit down due to the giant rod up his butt. -> "And they will do whatever it takes to reach their goal." -> -> He says he sees this as a line in the sand. (looking around) Sand? What sand? I don't see a single dune between straight people and gay people here. Very little seems to separate them except air and clothing. I don't think I've even seen an episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" where Carson dumped five hundred pounds of sand into the middle of the guy's living room to keep the straights and gays on opposite sides, and since all straight guys and gay guys are supposed to interact exactly the way "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" teaches them, I think this sand thing is bogus. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go break into somebody's home and throw out all his kids' toys and teach him how to make his own facial-cleanser from wheat grass and creme brulee. -> In Alabama's legislature, the reviews of Allen's bill are still -> out on whether to lower this curtain for good. -> -> Editor's Note: When the time for the vote in the legislature came -> there were not enough state legislators present for the vote, so -> the measure died automatically. Hooray! The system works! Moral sophistication brought about by the laziness of elected officials! -- K. I think libraries should be forbidden from carrying anything that not everyone likes. That way the whole library could be filled with yummy Pringles. Everybody likes Pringles! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A noble attempt to criminalize reading my articles in Alabama. Date: Mon, 02 May 2005 22:34:17 -0400 Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > Oh. I seem to have found a MATHEMATICAL, not to say SCIENTIFIC, proof > > that all integers are gay. > > Hmmm. Does anyone else have the thing where numbers/letters/colors > have gender? > > Like I've always known that the digits 0, 1, 2, 5, 8 were female, > while 3, 4, 6 7 and 9 were male. Historically, most societies have ascribed gender characteristics (or good/bad luck) to even and odd numbers, for reasons that never make any sense. But most of them never even considered 0 a number (Pythagoreans never even thought of 1 as a number, it was just a _part_ of any number) so it's rather odd that you think that a big fat nothing can have boobs. Although I have just the slightest hint of synaesthesia (I think probably everyone can develop that touch of it if they try) I do not have that ability that real synaesthetes have to see numbers as having different inherent colors, sounds, odors, etc. I never thought about it, but it seems obvious that a synaesthete could perceive numbers as being gendered. The even/odd thing is a philosophical view, and typographers might be thinking about phallic or rounded shapes of numbers, but a synaesthete would just divide them up into two seemingly random camps like yours. Do you consider yourself to have any synaesthetic qualities? > Until today, I never thought about them being straight or gay. Thanks > Rich! > > OK, now that I think about it, it appears 0, 5 and 8 are more butch > than 1, who is more butch then 2. > > 3 might be more gay than the other guys, but I'm not sure. Well, > really, enough beers and the other guys would give it a try, I think. > > Please, Rich, don't do any proofs involving letters of the alphabet, > because I really don't have the time to deal with it. What about "Y" being sometimes a vowel? Is it the alphabet's biggest drag queen? And is the schwa just an asexual nerd? -- K. What colors are the Chuckles in your world? Here it's red, yellow, black, orange, blezmo, green, but not everyone can see how the blezmo Chuckles taste. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A noble attempt to criminalize reading my articles in Alabama. Date: Mon, 02 May 2005 22:23:24 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think libraries should be forbidden from carrying anything > > that not everyone likes. That way the whole library could be > > filled with yummy Pringles. Everybody likes Pringles! > > THey are writing stuff on Pringles now. So ... they could be next. The Japanese have been printing Hello Kitty's face on fake Pringles for several years, but you don't hear anyone trying to ban those, no matter how racy Hello Kitty gets. I like Pringles because they're made from 50% potato starch and 50% sugar. If they would just switch to frying them in bacon grease, life would be perfect. Also they should all have my picture on them. -- K. I should go buy some now, and a brown Magic Marker. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A noble attempt to criminalize reading my articles in Alabama. Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 03:21:12 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> Republican Alabama lawmaker Gerald Allen says homosexuality is an > > -> unacceptable lifestyle. As CBS News Correspondent Mark Strassmann > > -> reports, under his bill, public school libraries could no longer > > -> buy new copies of plays or books by gay authors, or about gay > > -> characters. > > What's he worried about? Hasn't he heard that none of the students in > Alabama's schools can read anyway? Hey, that's an idea. We should just make sure that our kids grow up stupid so that they'll never even try to read bad stuff that might make them gay and/or smart (which are really the same thing, at least in kids' worldview.) Another solution would be shock collars that will zap them if they ever think about anyone who is male. Of course history class will have to be eliminated in favor of a 100% feminist herstory class, but that's a small price to pay in order to electrically torture children before they get a chance to realize they're gay. Shock collars would also be useful for training kids not to have certain other preferences or attitudes -- for instance, they're great for weight loss if you program the collars to go "Clockwork Orange" on their Adam's apple whenever they come within ten feet of a sugar molecule. But scientists have yet to figure out how to use shock collars to keep kids from becoming sadomasochists. (In the past I proposed shock collars as a solution to E-mail spam, and I still think they're the only workable solution other than nuclear Armageddon.) -- K. Man, am I tired. I just got home (at 3am) from an evening of being a bodyguard, after a day of being a sniper. Both are roles that can exhaust you even though they involve no physical exertion. Posting to a.r.k, on the other hand, invigorates and relaxes me, because a.r.k is a topsy- turvy world where all the laws of science run backwards. In the Northern Hemisphere, toilets flush clockwise, but in a.r.k, toilet flushes you! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A noble attempt to criminalize reading my articles in Alabama. Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 17:21:23 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "I don't look at it as censorship," says State Representative > > -> Gerald Allen. > > Well, then, there's his problem, right there! Maybe we should get him together with the self-flagellating Russian doctor who insists he's not a masochist. And then they could trade so that the charmingly self-denialistic Russian could be the I AM NOT A CENSOR! guy from a day and the more unpleasant idiot could be the I AM NOT A MASOCHIST! guy, especially if we can take turns hitting him. > Also, did the bill stipulate how the state was to ascertain which > authors are or are not gay? You can't TRUST a gay person, you know. > Sometimes a gay person will say they're gay when THEY'RE NOT. Also, > some gay people are dead. Are they still gay after they're dead? How > can you tell? Do I want to know? I will support his bill, but only if it's extended to burning all books which contain even a single line about gayness. You know, like the Bible. > Also, did it apply to gay music and gay art and gay science and gay > mathematics, or only gay books? What about books on CD? What about > scrolls? You have to consider all the possible loopholes, you know. > Ban gay books, and the next thing you know the Gay Conspiracy will be > publishing gay cuneiform tablets. These people are INSIDIOUS. Darth Sidious is not gay! You're confusing him with Darth Jar Jar! By the way, I just saw a sneak preview of "Star Wars: Episode III" last night, and Darth Jar Jar looks so much cooler now that he's turned evil and put on a plastic hockey mask. But did he really have to kill Yoda by sticking his tongue in his ear too hard? Oops, sorry, I forgot, I wasn't supposed to reveal that Yoda dies in "Episode III". > And what about bisexual authors? Do they ban half their books, or > just the odd-numbered pages? A clever author would write a novel that was completely platonic and G-rated if you read the whole thing, but became sassy, randy, sleazy porn if you removed any part of the whole. > > Hooray! The system works! Moral sophistication brought about by > > the laziness of elected officials! > > Apathy is, and always has been, the only salvation of Democracy. STAMP OUT TRYING!!! -- K. In today's modern society, it's more important than ever to not give a shit. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: scientific research into whether TV is stupid, from the journal "DUH" Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 16:45:21 -0400 [www.eurekalert.org press release] -> -> Distracting visuals clutter TV screen; viewers less likely to -> retain content Content? What content? I thought we were talking about TV! -> MANHATTAN, KAN. -- No matter which channel you turn to on -> television, you are likely to find some kind of visual element -> that seems to overpower the screen -- making it difficult to focus -> on one thing. In other words, you wrote this press release to complain that a stock ticker was blocking your view of the boobies. -> In the past few years, television stations have begun to reformat -> their screen presentations to include scrolling screens, sports -> scores, stock prices and current weather news. These visual elements -> are all designed to give viewers what they want when they want it. No they aren't. They're just there for show. Nobody ever says to themselves, "Gosh! I wish I knew exactly what stock prices were doing in real-time with a fifteen-minute delay because I need to pay really close attention to my stocks but I'm too cheap to use any sort of service to bring me the current numbers and I can't think of any better way to get stock prices than in between the commercials on Headline News!" Tickers and scrollers and other annoyers are all just there for the same reason all those chopped-in-half marbles were glued all over all the consoles on the original "Star Trek". Because WOW COOL CANDY- COLORED UNLABELED BLINKING LIGHTS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE SMASHED MARBLES. This is why people prefer to learn about the news solely from shows like "Late Night With Conan O'Brien". No distractions. Just a lumpy blue wall with a giant lumpy head in front of it. This allows you to more easily absorb such complicated information as: The President is stupid! Richard Simmons is gay! Star Jones is faaaaaaaaaat! -> However, Kansas State University professors Lori Bergen and Tom -> Grimes say that it's not working. What did you say? I wasn't listening. There were some capital letters right above you and I got distracted because I must be stupid or something. Hey, here's a theory: People who watch TV news get distracted easily because PEOPLE WHO WATCH TV NEWS ARE STUPID. -> "Our conclusion has been that if you want people to understand the -> news better, then get that stuff off the screen," Grimes said. -> "Clean it up and get it off because it is simply making it more -> difficult for people to understand what the anchor is saying." You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of commercial television. I bet you're not even a good consumer -- I'll wager you've never _once_ tried a new brand of beer that was advertised during the TV news. -> Grimes and Bergen are both associate professors of journalism and -> mass communications. They have collaborated with Deborah Potter, -> head of the Washington, D.C., research firm Newslab, in a study on -> distracting visual information. The study focused on viewers' -> ability to digest content in the presence of distracting -> information on the screen. This is why future State Of The Union speeches will feature a wacky clown doing naked jumping jacks behind the President. -> "We discovered that when you have all of this stuff on the screen, -> people tend to remember about 10 percent fewer facts than when you -> don't have it on the screen," Grimes said. "Everything you see on -> the screen -- the crawls, the anchor person, sports scores, -> weather forecast -- are conflicting bits of information that don't -> hang together semantically. They make it more difficult to attend -> to what is the central message." That's why they should get rid of the crawls and the anchor person and all that other stuff and just present a solid black screen with no distracting picture or sound that would prevent you from focusing on your own inner newscast. Because all the most important global geopolitical news comes from within your heart chakra. Weather reports come from your weather chakra, which is a side effect of arthritis. -> For their research, Bergen, Grimes and Potter conducted a series -> of four experiments that examined people's attention spans -> regarding complex and simple cognitive processes. -> -> "The outcome of all of the experiments was that people were -> splitting their attention into too many parts to understand any of -> the content," Grimes said. One time I saw a dancing chicken and it was funny. -> In 1990, Music Cable Television Network, or MTV, made its debut on -> cable television. Colorful graphics, young video jockeys and hip -> music seemed to be the key elements that captured viewer's attention. So what this article is saying is that the only reason "MTV News" seems vapid is because the screen is too colorful? Hmm. I just did the experiment by turning down the "color" knob on my TV, and they're right -- this caused MTV News to start talking about fiscal policies for ameliorating the Federal budget deficit. -> Robert Pittman, who created MTV, attributed the station's success -> to the ability of viewers in their late teens and early 20s to -> process multiple facets of information simultaneously. In -> television, success brings imitation. When MTV's ratings soared, -> other stations began to adopt the presentation format. CNN's -> Headline News was one of the first to transform its screens to -> showcase more than just the anchor. -> -> "When Mary Lynn Ryan, who was CNN's producer at the time, did this -> the news ratings skyrocketed," Grimes said. "So it appeared as -> though Robert Pittman was correct: if you are from 12-22 years -> old, your brain has learned how to process all these competing -> messages simultaneously, but people in their 30s and older have -> not learned how to do that." He further went on to complain that old people like to leave their socks on when they get naked and they shouldn't do that because young people take off their socks when they get naked and also aren't all wrinkled and grody. -> Bergen, however, hypothesized that Pittman's theory was not -> correct. The way people process information is not something that -> can be learned -- rather it is a matter of perceptual grouping. -> -> "The human brain is today as it was in the 1880s, the 1580s and in -> the time of the Greeks and Romans. It has not changed," Grimes -> said. "We are no better able to parallel process conflicting -> information now than we were 300 years ago. So this notion that -> Pittman had that people have learned how to do that is nonsense." -> -> Grimes said the youth of the anchors, the language that is used -> and the music are all elements that contribute to a show's success -> -- not distracting visuals. -> -> Bergen, who began the study in 2002, suggested that people can -> parallel process information as long as it is semantically related -> -- in order for people to understand, multiple inputs of -> information must "hang together" in some way. -> -> Bergen, Grimes and Potter, who is a former CBS News Washington -> correspondent, documented their research on media visuals in "How -> Attention Partitions Itself During Simultaneous Message -> Presentations." The article will be published in July in Human -> Communication Research. Bergen is on sabbatical from K-State this -> semester. That dancing chicken was so funny. -- K. I'm sorry, did you write a press release? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to find another subscriber for the messages of a favorite forum you got kicked out of. Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 16:58:51 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, dsaklad@zurich.csail.mit.edu wrote: > > I'm looking for somebody to subscribe to a forum, setting up a > forwarding to me for the messages that are sent out. It's a > relatively public forum. Anybody can subscribe. Anybody can > contribute. I'm interested and like to read the messages but the > moderator precluding the usual debate back and forth in the forum > peremptorily took offense to my contributed comment and kicked me > out. No they didn't! You just said ANYBODY can subscribe and ANYBODY can contribute! So obviously it was impossible for you to get kicked out! So stop lying about being kicked out or I'll kick you out of alt.religion.kibology! > You could call it overhanded depending on your point of view > of course. I'm looking for a method other than subscribing with a > pseudonym that I can just read without contributing anymore. Maybe you could buy beer and cigarettes for some teens, and in exchange they could sneak you into some forums. -- K. Anyway, you shouldn't have posted that photo of yourself twirling around naked in the Rare Book Room. The rules clearly said pants must be worn within ten feet of a Gutenberg. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to find another subscriber for the messages of a favorite forum you got kicked out of. Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 17:26:07 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > clearly said pants must be > > worn within ten feet of a > > Gutenberg. > > Uh, I think they meant Steve. He spells his name differently, and also, that rule won't apply to him until he Can Stop The Music. -- K. Pants must be worn within ten feet of any part of Bruce Jenner's nose, which means there are hot zones in at least three states. Also, there are hot pants in his closet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Nazi Nitwitz Inza Newz Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 21:08:50 -0400 [news.com.au] -> -> Neighbours lower Nazi flag -> -> NEIGHBOURS say a Nazi flag flying in the backyard of a New South -> Wales Central Coast family home has been taken down after -> criticism from the RSL, Jewish groups and other neighbours. -> -> The flag had been flying in the backyard of the home of Mannering -> Park residents Darren Mackay and Jenni Duncombe for about a week. -> -> It sparked criticism from the RSL, Jewish groups and local -> residents after the family refused requests to remove it. -> -> Ms Duncombe had told the Daily Telegraph she did not know what the -> flag signified until the controversy erupted, "DUH DUH DUH DUH. I AM A NAZI BUT IT WOULDN'T BE POLITICALLY CORRECT FOR YOU GUYS TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME BECAUSE I AM A MENTALLY RETARDED NAZI. DUH DUH DUH!!!" -> but would not remove it because her four-month-old daughter -> liked its bright colours. Let's predict the future. Choose one: a) the kid will grow up to be a good Nazi, or b) the kid will grow up to be a spoiled brat because mommy will do anything to avoid having to remove anything that has any colors on it from baby's field of view, or c) the kid will eventually snap and murder her mother after realizing that, as an infant, mommy blamed her own Nazi regalia on her. -> Today, the couple's neighbour Amanda Smith said the flag -> disappeared this morning. -> -> "I can't see it and I can see the flag pole from my house," she -> said. -> -> Ms Smith said she was one of a number of residents who complained -> to the police about the matter. -> -> "I'm not usually the type of person to complain about these sorts -> of things. -> -> "But when you see it you think what is going on, what sort of -> people are they and what are they doing." Hey, if Australia doesn't want to be a Nazi satellite, they should've never joined ANZAC! They should've joined some alliance without those evil letters in that order! I say if Australia wants to not be part of the Nazi regine, they need to leave ANZAC and switch to FEELGOOD or HAPPYTIME or WOWCHOCOLATEICECREAMISYUMMY, none of which contain an "N" and a "Z". I'm not sure what New Zealand should do. They might just be inherently evil, just like anything else with an "N" followed by a "Z". This includes Nazguls, pince-nez, evil game show host Jack Narz, and Fonzie, especially when he's unzipped. -> Ms Smith said she found it hard to believe that Ms Duncombe did -> not know what the flag stood for or that it would be offensive. -> -> "You have to be very ignorant to not know what that was," she -> said. Yes, you'd have to be a total moron not to know whose insignia a swastika was or why they were evil... -> A Wyong Council spokeswoman said it was understood the flag had -> been taken down. -> -> The red Nazi flag, with its black swastika on a white circle, was -> the symbol of Adolf Hitler's anti-Semitic German Third Reich, -> responsible for the slaughter of millions of innocent people. GEE, THANKS FOR CALLING ME A TOTAL MORON, JERK REPORTER! Reporter thinks he's so smart just because he's heard of Nazis and nobody else in the whole world has. -- K. If you put the "N" on top of the "Z" it makes an instant swastika. If only the Nazis had been named The Colon Right Parenthesis Brigade, their logo would have been a smiley. Get me a time machine! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: dress codes (was: Email destroys the mind faster than marijuana) Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 14:56:38 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > [...] The dress code has been revised. We may now wear jeans > on the last Friday of each month IF we pay ONE DOLLAH!1! > to the manager to be donated to the charity of the company's > choice. That's ridiculous. Therefore, I hereby announce a new dresscode for a.r.k: 1.) Anyone not wearing leather has to pay me a dollar. 2.) No brown leather, unless part of a wallet containing twenty complete dollars. 3.) No Atari T-shirts. Unless worn by someone who has ever worked for Atari or one of its corporate subsidiaries. 4.) If you don't want to pay me a dollar, I can make an exception to rule #1 for you, if you pay me fifty dollars. 5.) Payments in candy will be accepted, bearing in mind that the official exchange rate is that candy is a penny a pound. 6.) Nobody may dress better than me. -- K. And remember, nudity is _always_ permitted on the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: dress codes (was: Email destroys the mind faster than marijuana) Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 19:28:20 -0400 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hereby announce a new dresscode for a.r.k: > > > > 1.) Anyone not wearing leather has to pay me a dollar. > > > > 2.) No brown leather, unless part of a wallet containing twenty > > complete dollars. > > > > [...] > > > > 5.) Payments in candy will be accepted, bearing in mind that > > the official exchange rate is that candy is a penny a pound. > > > > 6.) Nobody may dress better than me. > > Okay,I've kept the criteria that I can work with and went to > check out my leather apparel. > It's pretty dismal, I'm afraid. Well, yes. I assumed as much. If I didn't think so, I would have made the dress code stricter. > I have many leather belts,shoes and one leather jacket. > I had to discount the belts because they're all brown. You can get black leather dye at your local drugstore in the shoe-gunk department. Just wipe it on with a sponge and in no time your leather will be blacker than an unpopped microwave popcorn kernel. > Of the shoes, I'm left with two pairs of black leather ones; > one dressy pair and one hippie style lace up ones with recycled > tires used for soles. Also, my Reeboks but they're not entirely > leather so that's cheating and why I didn't add them into the total. I