Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:25:12 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I have lost my faith in Kibo Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > More ways my son is like Kibo: > > Today he dyed his hair black. Asian Korean glossy black. He is as > blond as a Mormon. He was not too chagrined that he couldnt get his > eyebrows dyed to match - apparently TPTB think it is unsafe. All regular hair color says not to use it anywhere near the eyes -- they're afraid the peroxide or whatever will run down into your eyes. But beauty-supply stores do sell special coloring kits just for eyebrows. It's hideously expensive (like $20 for the little tube), and it only comes in black and brown, which is why you'll never see Steve Martin with green eyebrows. This is why women rip out their real eyebrows and draw on fake ones with some sort of shiny black Magic Marker that wouldn't even fool a Groucho Marx fan. Because a marker sells for less than either a tube of eyebrow dye or a jar of regular dye plus two new corneas. > Yes it is a color found in nature, but not on our side of the > International Date Line. So what color hair do Native Americans have in your hemisphere? > Also it is his First Time. WHo knows what color he will try next. Since > his favorite colors are black and white, perhaps he will color it even > blonder than his normal. Zebra would work. Hey, if Takashi Miike can do his hair in zebra stripes, so can anyone else. Your son has my permission. Tell him to watch the party scene in "Sleeper" for more ideas for silly black-and-white hairdos. Just don't let him get one of those T-shirts with the huge swastika. > I dont think he should go to high school. It isnt good for the brane. > he needs to go right to college. No, he needs to go right to elected office. -- K. Lately here there seems to be a resurgence of the '80s punk look -- I'm now seeing more Mohawks and spike 'dos, and fewer people in silly Goth makeup. So maybe if your son is travelling back in time with the rest of these people, he'll go from Goth to punk to leisure suit to hippie. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:28:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I have lost my faith in Kibo Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Travers Naran (tnaran@no-more-virii-please.direct.ca) wrote: > > I used to feel that way, but no longer. When I try to invoke him by puting > kibo in my post, he no longer replies to my threads. Thus, he must not > exist anymore. The only part of your logic which is sound is the assumption that only one of the two of us exists. Now if you'll excuse me, I have stuff to go do, because I exist. -- K. I'd tell you what I did last night, but I'm not sure you'd really want to hear a sentence involving the words "policeman" and "electroshock". ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:41:21 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: dirty dalek limerick thread Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > The daleks, when down in the dumps, > > > Cheer each other by fondling their bumps. > > > Said one to another, > > > "You'll make a great mother!" > > > Said the first, "Oh no, that's the mumps." > > > > > > Please contribute yours here ---> > > > > ON DALEK PROTRUBERANCES > > > > The Daleks are robotic genii > > Each with a stalk-mounted beady eye; > > They've got ray-guns and suckers > > But the poor robot fuckers > > Don't have any Dalekoid penii. > > A girl-Dalek, fresh in from Venus, > Soon landed a boy-Dalek genius > When she said, "Let's get hot!" > He replied, "I cannot -- > The Doctor has unscrewed my penis." Poems suck. Here's one that doesn't. It's in the style of England's great literary genius, A. A. Dalek. "We're created by Davros, His face is cadaverous. We'll zap you with rays, you'll die in a daze, along with Kojak's brother ERROR ERROR ERROR TOO MANY SYLLABLES IN FINAL LINE MY METER IS IMPAIRED MY METER IS IMPAIRED I CANNOT POESIZE I CANNOT POESIZE ERROR ERROR EXPLODE EXPLODE EXXXXXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!!! *bang*" The contest is now over because I just won. The end no givebacks. -- K. But what do Daleks eat under there? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 03:29:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Spot gets blown Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Live! From Down Under! It's Spot making headlines the only way he knows how, by getting stuck in something! [www.news.com.au] -> -> Blast of air blows dog out of pipe Always feed your dog plenty of beans! -> By Danny Rose -> May 02, 2005 -> From: AAP -> -> A SMALL dog stuck in a narrow stormwater drain in suburban -> Melbourne has been rescued after five hours of digging. Poor Spot! He didn't mean to get stuck in the stormwater drain! He only meant to get stuck in the bathwater drain! -> Firefighters used spades to dig three deep holes in a rescue bid -> that continued until about 10pm (AEST) last night. -> -> But Barney the Jack Russell terrier was reunited with his owner -> only after a "massive blast" of cold air. Oh, wait. This article can't be about Spot. He's not a cute, perky li'l Jack Russell. He's just a cross between a poodle and a dachshund -- a poolong. That's why he looks like a hot dog with a stupid haircut. -> The Metropolitan Fire and Emergency Services Board said Barney -> was enjoying a walk with his owner, in Queen Street, Altona -> Meadows, about 5pm, when he ventured up the drainpipe in -> parkland behind a basketball stadium. -> -> "From the yelps and whimpering, it was plain Barney had crawled -> in quite some distance, making his rescue that much harder," -> Commander Ken Brown said. -> -> "Firefighters took a guess at his location and dug down about -> 1.5 metres to locate the pipe. -> -> "After listening again for Barney's heartbreaking cries, they -> estimated the dog was about 8 metres further in and (they) made -> a second hole." In the dog, pipe, or owner? -> But that effort also failed, and Mr Brown said it appeared the -> dog had moved further into the pipe out of alarm at the sound of -> the digging. -> -> A third hole was then dug. -> -> "An opening was eventually made in the drain both in front of -> and behind Barney and a number of methods were employed to try -> and coax the tiny dog out of the pipe," he said. "However, we will not bother telling you any of these several interesting methods, because you probably wouldn't even bother writing them down because you're JUST A REPORTER!" -> "Finally, firefighters used a massive blast of cold air from one -> of their breathing apparatus cylinders and forced Barney to -> crawl out of the pipe and into his owners arms." If he's like most Jack Russells, he probably then got stuck in his owner's armpit. They seem to like jamming themselves into confined spaces as a result of all that selective breeding for rat-catching prowess. -> The dog was assessed at the scene by the RSPCA and found to be -> uninjured. Then _why_ is this in the news? It clearly wasn't Spot if he didn't get hurt in some horrible way! Remember the time Spot jammed his head into that pasta machine that was set to "ravioli"? Or the time he got his entire body wedged into an accordion at the Annoying Music Festival? Or the time he got stuck in the hypodermic needle factory? -- K. Actually, Spot's not a purebred poolong. He's 1/3 poodle, 1/3 dachshund, and 1/3 kitty cat. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 17:26:23 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Current trends in German cannibalism Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Hey look! There's been another one! [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Cannibalism copycat who kept a man in his fridge -> -> From Roger Boyes in Berlin -> -> A CANNIBAL confessed yesterday to a court in Berlin that he had -> killed a teacher and fed the man's lungs to his cat before he -> had sliced off and salted other parts of his body with a view to -> eating them later. -> -> Ralf Meyer, 41, a decorator, was clearly emulating Armin Meiwes, -> the "Cannibal of Rotenburg", who was jailed last year for -> murdering and eating a software specialist. CANNIBAL DECORATOR! _That's_ the reality TV show idea that will make millions! I'm going to throw away all my notes for "Monkey Makeover" (The chimp does your hair! The orangutan picks our your clothes! The gorilla goes through your drawers!) and start working on "Cannibal Decorator". That's an idea that's perfect for a reality show because it's an idea that _could_ be good, but won't! -> "I'm ashamed and cannot even dare to offer an apology to his -> relatives," Herr Meyer said in a confession read out by his -> defence lawyer. Ah, the old "I'm so contrite that I'm not apologizing, because not apologizing is even better than apologizing" tactic. I wonder what's eating him. -> The victim, Joe Ritzkowsky, 33, taught music at Berlin's -> renowned Waldorf School. The clergyman's son was drawn to Herr -> Meyer's flat through an internet chat room. He let himself be -> tied to the bed and the two men had sex, during which Herr Meyer -> dug a screwdriver into the teacher's neck. Wait, I'm confused. How did the teacher get into the same room as the clergyman's son and the victim? -> After Herr Ritzkowsky bled to death, Herr Meyer slit open his -> body, ripped out the lungs for his cat and cut off the penis, -> which he prepared with spices and wrapped in Cellophane. Kudos to the reporter for identifying the precise brand name of the plastic wrap involved, but a big demerit for saying "with spices" instead of giving us the actual recipe for weiner schnitzel. -> Then he chopped up the body and placed organs in the fridge. I remember one Donald Duck comic book where Huey, Dewey, and Louie were tortured by being trapped inside the pipes of a giant organ someone was playing. However, having ducks in your organ is not the same as having organs in your fridge, but it's just as creepy, especially when you factor in that these old Donald Duck comics usually ended with him convincing friendly South American natives to give Unca Scrooge all their gold of their own free will so he could keep it safe from a dog version of Fidel Castro. -> "It was like a butcher's shop," said a policeman who searched -> the flat. The torso was on the bed, with the hacked-off legs -> and arms laid alongside. Lesson learned: If you're going to eat someone, clean your plate. -> Herr Meyer said in his confession: "I'm afraid of the dark side -> of my personality, but it continues to fascinate me." -> -> His defence lawyer emphasised that, unlike Meiwes, Herr Meyer -> had not eaten any of the organs. Oh, well then, that makes it okay. -> When he surrendered to police, he said calmly: "I have killed -> a man. Help me, there's a man in my fridge." "And his name is Prince Albert!" -> The prosecution has charged Herr Meyer with "murder out of base -> motive, driven by sexual desire". Cannibalism is not an offence -> under German law. WE KNOW, WE KNOW. Dear Germany, you might want to work on getting cannibalism outlawed, but first, please do something about those "kaviar" videos. They're much grosser than any of the cannibalism snuff films I've seen. -> Police have long feared that the Meiwes case would weaken the -> taboo against eating human flesh. I heard that the Gardenburger people have been secretly developing a new seasoning that makes a cellulose patty taste exactly like human flesh, instead of exactly like a steak. -> Meiwes was convicted of manslaughter, but recently the German -> Appeals Court decided that there should be a re-trial, in which -> the State will try again to win a conviction for murder. -> -> The defence team said yesterday that they would try to have Herr -> Meyer sent to a psychiatric clinic for an extended period. Seems like a long way to send someone just to get an ellipsis. -> Details of a 105-page psychiatric report have been leaked to the -> press. Herr Meyer told the examining doctor that he had -> fantasies, even in his prison cell while awaiting trial, of -> viciously attacking his fellow inmates. If it ever becomes illegal to fantasize about beating people to death, the whole German film industry's going to collapse. Or worse, they'll all just switch to making only kaviar videos. -> The dossier shows that Herr Meyer started to have cannibal -> fantasies at the age of 25. Two years ago he started to -> advertise on the internet for potential victims. One read: -> "Looking for slim man, round about 30, to be roasted." "Signed, Dean Martin." I bet he's the only person ever to have masturbated to "The King Of Comedy" when Sandra Bernhard wrapped Jerry Lewis in duct tape. -> Police estimate from internet exchanges that there are 204 -> Germans ready to be slaughtered to feed a cannibal, 13 are ready -> to watch such an act and 29 would like to eat a human being. The -> trial will continue next week. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's not possible for more Germans to want to be the murder victim instead of the murderer. This is because not all Germans want to be murder victims. So 29 want to kill, but only 13 are willing to watch it happen? What, are the German police now on the lookout for blindfolded murderers stumbling around like Mr. Magoo except with a funny accent? -- K. I miss the Wursthaus. I need a schnitzel. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 20:07:29 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Even if you think it would be funny, do not yell in Arabic at the > security screeners at the airport, that is unless you LIKE the feel > of latex on your anus. So was it as good as you were hoping? -- K. And why is it that occasionally you people make me feel like I _have_ an internal censor? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:32:56 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > Even if you think it would be funny, do not yell in Arabic at the > > > security screeners at the airport, that is unless you LIKE the feel > > > of latex on your anus. > > > > So was it as good as you were hoping? > > HUSH NOW(TM) > > I think I might be a bottom, You misspelled "ass". KA-ZING!!!!! > but you are never going to find out with that attitude. I'm not even going to ask whether you're trying to convince us you're a catamite or a submissive. Besides, we already know your real secret. Everyone can tell you're desperately waving your hands and jumping up and down and screaming about how gay you are just try to make us not notice you're an al-Qaeda terrorist. And trust me, you're a terrorist. I know. I've been in the elevator with them. Your deception was revealed when, a few months ago, you tried to learn the hankie code. No actual gay person uses the hankie code. It's the same way that no gay people were ever consulted regarding that which-side- the-earring-goes-on thing that all straight people think means something. If you're trying to pass as gay just to stay out of Guantanamo, you'll need to do three things: (1) call yourself "Timothy" instead of "Tim", (2) get either a fluffy cat or a dog smaller than any cat, and (3) stop with attempting to explain your sexuality with "I think I might be a ________" 'cause that's the same as a big neon sign flashing VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN TERRORIST VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN, and you don't want to know what they do to virgins in Guantanamo. So what city are you going to blow up? I hear Florida's very explodable this time of year... -- K. Why do you hate America, you lousy hetero? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:38:23 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: $2000 for Jar Jar? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I saw a life-sized replica of Jar Jar TIMtim DON'Tdon't TAKEtake ANYany MOREmore OFof THEthe BROWNbrown ACIDacid! > advertised for $2000 in the trading post (http://www.tradingpost.com.au) > I do remember seeing one selling for $500 which is almost cheap enough > to buy and send to someone as a prank. An even funnier prank would be if you sent them the $2000 one, especially if you sent it with a receipt to make it returnable. You know where to find me. -- K. Dooooo youuuuu feeeeel boxed innnnnn aaaand spaaaaaaced ouuuuuut? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:59:25 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.4 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00, MANY_EXCLAMATIONS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > ANY WAY YOU WANT IT > THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT > ANY WAY YOU WANT IT I want it quiet in here. That's the way I want it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Or is that a different song? I can't keep up with you kids these days and your crazy rock-and-rap music. Why can't you just listen to good music like "Sing Along With Mitch"? That bouncing ball is hilarious! -- K. How do they train it to do that? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 22:28:07 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Your deception was revealed when, a few months ago, you tried to learn > > the hankie code. No actual gay person uses the hankie code. > > But those slap-bracelets that junior high schoolers use to arrange > sexual activities, those are real, right? No, those are mostly just petting and dry humping. > Just like when I grew up and we used soda pull-tabs? Eww. Pervert. I don't want to find out what scars they left. -- K. I hear you get a free dialysis machine if you damage your kidneys doing that. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 01:46:06 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Fear of? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > What do you call a fear of falling onto a still-hot George Foreman grill > and getting grill marks on your face? Why, are you hoping for a second chance at that job? Eagle Leather just called. They say that yes, in order to get the job you have to kiss a g-r-i-l. Something about proving that you're pansexual, or at least an appliancexual. -- K. And it's not a George Foreman grill. It won't make marks on your FACE because it's a George ForeBLANK grill. (Moog music plays in a loop forever until Brett stops yelling "OH I GOT IT, OH I GOT IT!") Brett Somers: "Fore... GOLF?" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 14:23:57 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Seeing as how you're all so birlliant and stuff. We are stout-hearted, birly men. > So I have this game, on the PS2, and there is a very pleasant little ditty > in the game that I should like to purchase. The company who makes the game > (Acclaim) is now bankrupt, due to a lawsuit by those blasted Olsen twins. I > googled the game (Legends of Wrestling 2), and there's tons of reviews, but > no soundtrack listing. The credits for the game scroll waaaaaaaaay too fast > to read the name of the song or even the band. What, you don't have a VCR that can record, pause, and slo-mo? You should get in the habit of videotaping all your game-playing so you'll have proof for all those world records you break, like me. You could also try learning to read faster. Here, I'll help you practice: Hurryupandreadthissentencewhoopstoolateyoufellbehindsonow you'vegotdetentionforawholeweeknexttothestinkykidwhokeepstalkingabout GIJoefictureseventhoughheapparentlyisn'tallowedtoownanyofthem. > I tried searching Puretracks and other online music sources for some > of the more prevalent lyrics in the song, to no avail. I even tried > posting to wrestling newsfroups, and nobody knows. If you really want to see newsgroups where nobody knows, try a WebTV wrestling newsgroup. Most of those people can't remember the recipe for Doritos. (Opening a bag is hard!) > How can I find the name of this song?!?!?!? Ask the Olsen twins. By the way, they've said you can't call them "the Olsen twins" any more. They're individuals with their own complete non-talents. So you can't say "The Olsen twins are untalented", you have to say "Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen are, individually, untalented and untalented." You could also try Googling. The reviews mention the band Saliva, "Headstrong" by Trapt and "Get Away" by Earshot. But everyone says you're a sucker for not getting the XBox version which lets you listen to your own CDs while playing the game. That's not possible with the PS2 version, which sends out rays destroying every Discman or iPod in your home. So how do you like the game? Did the programmers put the right amount of duct tape on Andy's Kaufman's crotch? Of course, I've been asking that about every game for the past ten years, but this is the first time I don't sound crazy. -- K. Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 17:30:49 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@WORLD.STD.COM) To: kibo@WORLD.STD.COM Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So how do you like the game? Did the programmers put the right amount > > of duct tape on Andy's Kaufman's crotch? > > It's good, but lacking in some ways that I consider essential for a good > wrestling game. The storylines are unsurpassed, but the moves in the > create-a-wrestler function are severely limited, and this is the most > important thing for me. The soundtrack is not as bad as the reviews say. > Also, Baron von Raschke vs Kerry von Erich! Andy Kaufman is playable in > several costumes, including one with a spaceman's helmet. Yes, but if you try to have him wrestle a man, does get get all upset and snippy about how he only wrestles women? Does he come up with any clever explanations this time other than just hoping you won't notice he's wearing his trunks over long johns over half a roll of duct tape to conceal his Frontal Frottage Unit? Does this digital Andy think that nobody will notice his comedy is just a cover for his perversions? Hmm, I should do more standup. > > Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off > > to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! > > Well, you have the mask. WAAH THIS ISN'T A MASK!!! STOP MAKING FUN OF THE NINTH-DEGREE BURNS FROM MY MASONIC INITIATION!!! AND MY TERRIBLE EGG ZIMA!!! I WAS TRYING TO DRINK IT AND IT MISSED MY MOUTH!!! CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED!!! -- K. Okay, I'm kidding. I'm actually wearing a mask because my real face is so handsome that were I to reveal my face in public, it would make mere mortals fall to their knees and weep, and I took a vow to keep our nation's sidewalks dry. Also, masks are cool because they look like stuff, while faces don't look like anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 19:50:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off > > to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! > > The other day, my son and I were talking about a local restaurant called > The Mayan, which is set up like a tropical jungle, complete with water > fall, cliff divers and animitronic parrots. Also, their food is completely > unexciting and overpriced tex-mex. So it's exactly like Rainforest Cafe except I bet they changed that hideous frog on their sign just enough to avoid a lawsuit. Like, maybe he has two butts and no head instead of the other way around. > We decided if we had a loads o' money, we would open a similar restaurant, > except with good food and a big, honkin' Mexican Wrestling ring in it, > instead of the waterfall. Who wouldn't want to enjoy a tasty meal and > watch Santo vs. various Mexican wrestlers/mummies/etc. (or El Kibo)? So, you've invented Kaiju Dinnre Theatre? I call dibs on being the most geometric of the creatures so I can be on stickers all over Boston. -- K. And how does Batman fit in? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 23:50:13 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo In sci.space.history, David Findlay (david@davsoft.com.au) wrote: > > I went to a lecture by Mark Shuttleworth, and he mentioned the Russian's > have a special chair that spins or something which they use to test certain > physiological things, and that will eventually make everyone vomit. Anyone > know the name of it, have details or diagrams, or know where I might be > able to find one? I can think of plenty of cheaper ways to make yourself vomit. For five bucks, I'll send you a DVD of "Baby Geniuses 2" soaked in Syrup Of Ipecac, on a slightly used White Castle bun. (For four dollars, I'll send you two.) And if you want to vomit for free, I can help you with that, but you'll still have to pay my plane fare to whatever vacant lot you want to do this in. -- K. And if you're still interested in a Russian Vomit Chair, may I also interest you in a geniune American Urine Swimming Pool? (Just add kids and wait.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Sad Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 02:09:14 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Thanks, Nicko! > > > > You *invented* cool. > > > > -=D=- > > (or was that Karlo?) > > Naw. I killed cool. Cool is lying in my shower stall, bleeding from > multiple orifices. In about an hour, I will cut cool into smaller > pieces, wrap it in plastic garbage bags, and throw the pieces in the > dumpster behind the Tiki Wok Chinese Restaurant. Don't forget the part about painting your van to look like an ice cream truck but with all the "S"s backwards. > I'd avoid ordering the Mongolian Beef at Tiki Wok for a week or so. But Mongolian Beef is delicious! Hurry up and kill another personification of an abstract concept because I'm hungry. -- K. We should double date. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toilet Bowl Restaurant Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 21:57:11 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Arrgh FLASHBACK. Many many many moons ago I was eating in a chinese > restaurant and had to go to the toilet. I misread the direction sign and > went to the staff toilet by mistake. Upon lifting the toilet seat I saw > how they managed to keep their mung beans fresh. I left without paying > and have a deep aversion to mung beans. Just because they made a mumb mecision where to meposit the mung beans? -- K. Since when do Chinese restaurants have separate "staff toilets"? Most of the ones in Chinatown only have one toilet, and it's in the basement of the building across the alley. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The man in black in Charlie's bar Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 22:11:25 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > [rip-roaring World War II action-adventure two-fisted tale of danger] > > > > John, I'm afraid that you're going to have to post a story like this > > every month. > > That'd be lovely. At any rate more frequently than > The Special Show, which is the other reason to read > this newsgroup. But then he'd have to start another twelve World War IIs every year, and we're already all out of Hitlers! So instead, I hereby promise to you, the viewers of the American Internet Which Won World War II All By Itself: ON THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH ("the first" being legally defined as any date between the 28th and 7th, or within two weeks of those dates either way) I WILL HEREBY POST SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT AND SPECIAL ("special" may not include "The! Special! Show!" and may, in fact, include things that are merely weird and disturbing that are not intended solely for the entertainment of mental patients the way "The! Special! Show!" is.) Anyway, at the start of every month, I will write something new. And I will let most of you see it! (Some of you may be informed that you will have to cover your screen with an opaque tea towel, whatever a tea towel is. Note: No transparent tea towels.) ALSO! On the 15th! Or about the 15th! Or any other time that's not the 1st! I will post an apology! To the families of anyone who was killed by the overdose of wonderfulness contained within my whatever-it-was of the 1st! -- K. NO REFUNDS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 22:47:25 -0400 In sci.space.history and alt.religion.kibology, Chuck Stewart (zapkitty@gmx.co.uk) wrote: > > Relax. They're not hostile... they're Kibologists. That's the nicest thing everyone ever said about me. DAMMIT, NOW I CAN'T BE HOSTILE!!! > And the vomit chair would seem to be a natural for that group :) Why? Just because I am rumored to toughen myself up by sleeping on a bed of nails each of which is connected to a different model of KGB surplus vacuum-tube-powered stun gun is no reason to assume that I would OW OW OW OW OW sorry, the bed just went off, what was the question you were asking? Anyway, in answer to the question you were probably asking, no, I don't know where to buy a Russian Vomit Chair, and I've checked everywhere. (The clerks at the Hallmark store were very rude.) I do know some people who could build one for you. If you need a price quote, I can ask a local dungeon master. Note: Be sure to hire a real dungeon master and not a "Dungeons & Dragons" dungeon master, otherwise you'd just get a Fake Vomit Chair, which would be a regular chair with some lumpy yellow rubber glued to it. (If lumpy yellow rubber _is_ what you want, I suggest you try Ikea.) -- K. What's the difference between an American Vomit Chair and a Russian Vomit Chair? And how come neither country ever strapped Yakov Smirnoff into one? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:12:23 -0400 In sci.space.history and alt.religion.kibology, Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Do vomit chairs have to be installed in vomitoriums or can they be used > in living/family rooms as well? Usually they're only sold in wholesale lots of 20, which is why you only see them at Denny's. I know what you're thinking, but no, they don't make people sit on them. They don't give their customers chairs which are that comfortable. Denny's cuts the faux vinyl upholstery off the vomit chairs to make their fried "eggs" for the Grand Slam Breakfast With Real Gut-Punching Agony And Explosive Intestinal Residue. Anyway, in addition to vomit chairs, other furniture-based ingredients used by Denny's include B.O. sofas, scabies love seats, and loose stools. -- K. To say nothing of the belch wallpaper. (It only belches if you ever look at it, so just keep your eyes closed.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's Pee-Wee Herman doing... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 01:05:36 -0400 As you may know, I have my super-sophisticated clipping service (aka Google) alerting me to any news stories that mention "Pee-wee Herman", because news articles mentioning "Pee-wee Herman" are never actually about Pee-wee Herman but are instead about anything weird being compared to him. Here's a Pee-wee sighting near Toronto. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Police hunt Pee Wee Herman gang -> -> 'Extremely dangerous' group wanted for assault, kidnapping in -> Scarborough -> -> By James Rusk -> -> Toronto Police said yesterday that they are looking for a gang -> who invaded a Scarborough home late last year, tortured an -> innocent businessman and then kidnapped his mother, a -> 59-year-old cancer victim undergoing chemotherapy, holding her -> hostage until her son came up with a ransom. Being tortured by Pee-wee Herman? I can only imagine the horrors. Give me a few days and I'll write the whole story. I call dibs on writing "I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman". I'm not sure whether it will star Spot, Einstein, Potsie, or Batman... but I'll wager it will prominently feature a character named "Cattleproddy". -> "They are extremely dangerous. Look what they did to this fellow -> here," said Detective Sergeant Wilf Townley of the holdup squad -> as he pointed to photos of large, red burn marks all over the -> man's body that were made by a heated knife blade while he was -> being tortured. It was the guy's own fault for not playing along when Pee-wee said "When you hear the secret word, SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -> The police did not identify the victims in order to protect -> their safety while the gang is still at large. -> -> Det. Sgt. Townley told reporters police have dubbed the gang the -> Pee Wee Herman Crew because its leader resemble actor Paul -> Reubens, who won fame as television's Pee Wee Herman. The gang -> is "a band of real bad jerks that have committed a bad robbery," -> he said. Looking for criminals who are also jerks. Well, that narrows it down. I guess Sir David Niven as The Phantom can be ruled out, leaving only 99.999999% of all other criminals. -> Although the kidnapping took place last Dec. 14, police did not -> go public about the crime because they felt they would be able -> to identify the criminals from DNA samples they left behind in -> the victims' single-family home. Other evidence consisted of some small round spots. Police are trying to connect them to the case while chanting "CONNECT THE DOTS, LA-LA-LA-LA, CONNECT THE DOTS, LA-LA-LA-LA!!!" -> "We were hoping we would get something from the DNA but it takes -> so long to do it. We just got the DNA back, and because we've -> been unsuccessful with the DNA, we have to . . . try and get -> help from the public and the media," Det. Sgt. Townley said. Why not make a wish? I'm sure Jambi could help solve the case, if he's not busy with his new hands. "Now only the criminals in the audience repeat after me: Mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-heinie-ho!" -> The officer said the 32-year-old male victim, who owns a number -> of businesses, was having lunch with his mother when a gang of -> four or five males, all armed with handguns, pushed their way -> into the house after he answered the door. -> -> They demanded $1-million from him. I'd think that if he needed that much money, Pee-wee could have just mugged The King Of Cartoons for his king-bling. Plus, there were two different Kings Of Cartoons, so he could do it again in the second season. -> "This man was tortured. He was kicked and beaten. A knife was -> heated on the stove, and . . . he was burned several times all -> over the body with the knife in an effort to get him to tell -> them where the money was in the house. After one hour -> [ransacking the house], they discovered that there was -> absolutely no money in the house." Lesson learned: Torturing people can't cause millionaires to become stupid enough to travel back in time and put a bunch of cash under their mattress. -> The mother was taken from the house and the assailants told the -> son he could get her back alive if he paid a ransom of $100,000. -> -> He was able to raise between $70,000 and $80,000, which he -> dropped at a pre-arranged spot at a roti shop in the Bellamy -> Road and Lawrence Avenue area, where it was picked up by a -> woman, whose first name may be Susan, he said. THE LAST TENTH OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST MONTY PYTHON SKETCH "Do you have any naan?" "No, sir, this is a roti shop." "Do you have any poori?" "No, sir, this is a roti shop." "Do you have any roti?" "We're all out of roti, sir." (John Cleese tortures the clerk with a butter knife.) -> Once the money was picked up, the mother was released in a -> factory area of Etobicoke. "She had to walk several blocks, -> where she came to a main street and was able to hail a cab and -> made her way home by cab." -> -> The police investigation has found that the Scarborough family -> were not the only ones hit by the gang and that there are other -> similar robberies being done throughout Toronto and the GTA. -> -> "They are not being reported because the actual victims are -> criminals themselves. They are doing the same type of robbery, -> except they are doing them against members of the underworld," -> he said. "Pee-wee Vs. The Mob"! I was going to call dibs on that movie title, but I think that in the last five minutes, Takashi Miike has already shot the first half of it. (Starring Takeshi Kitano as Pee-wee, Tadanobu Asano as Cowboy Curtis, and Shintaro Katsu as Blindy The Window Blind.) -> One of the gang's favourite targets is high-end drug dealers, -> but they also rob those who they believe have money because they -> committed a robbery. -> -> And, he said, it might be easier for the gang if they end up in -> the hands of the police rather than some of their victims. "[If] -> some of these other guys get them, they would probably get worse -> punishment than they would from us." Maybe we can get Miike to do it as a six-hour mini-series. (I just got all six hours of "MPD Psycho" on DVD. Nyah.) -> No one has been killed by the gang, but Det. Sgt. Townley said -> he is concerned. "If something comes along and they know the -> person has money and they don't pay up, I don't know whether -> we'll find a body some day or not. I can't say what they'll do." So that why nobody's seen Fran! Cis! Bux! Ton! -> (c) Copyright 2005 Bell Globemedia Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved. What? (Kibo puts on a giant rubber ear.) WHAT? WHAT? -- K. They'll finally be releasing a good DVD of "The Jerk" soon. Maybe that means we'll start seeing crimes commited by childlike idiots with white hair and black eyebrows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 05:29:35 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [www.theglobeandmail.com] > -> > -> Police hunt Pee Wee Herman gang > -> > -> Toronto Police said yesterday that they are looking for a gang > -> who invaded a Scarborough home late last year, tortured an > -> innocent businessman and then kidnapped his mother [...] > > Being tortured by Pee-wee Herman? I can only imagine the horrors. > > Give me a few days and I'll write the whole story. I call dibs on > writing "I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman". I WAS TORTURED TO DEATH BY PEE-WEE HERMAN by West Virginia Frappe Dear diary and therefore gentle reader who is illegally peeking at this my secret diary, I was born Adam West before I changed my name to West Virginia Frappe in order to avoid confusion between me and some guy who isn't really famous either. I am a white male and I am all grown up even though my psychiatrist says I am wrong about that and my thesaurus says I know lots of big words. I was riding my car to work yesterday when Pee-wee Herman pounced on me by springing on me. "Rawr!" he spoke. "Oh no, a Pee-wee Herman incident is transpiring!" I ejaculated. But while I stopped to do that, he mistakenly sailed past me and missed and came back. He grabbed me where I now hurt really bad. "Stop that, Pee-wee! I am not the real Adam West!" I rejaculated. Pee-wee was dumbfounded in the present. "Whoops!" he sadly dejaculated. "I made a mistake! Now I must take you prisoner and make you disappear so that nobody ever finds out! Also I meant to do this!" Then he tied me up in his basement all the way across town. "Ow," I said when the rope burned my wrists where I couldn't chew through. Pee-wee had a high-voltage fork in his hand. Zap! Zap! Zappity, zappity, zap zap zap! "Ow," I reaffirmed. "I am torturing you because you are an innocent businessman," Pee-wee hissed facially. He pressed the fork against the inside of my flesh and blood went out all over. I tried to punch his stupid face like DOOSH! DOOSH! DOOSH! but I forgot my arms were tied down until later. He tortured me with the fork until he stopped and then he started all over but different with a sharpened Fudgicle stick. "Please stop torturing me," I screamed except not so polite. Pee-wee did not stop relentlessly. I thought my head would explode when Pee-wee blew up a grenade in my ear. It sounded like BOOM! but louder and hurtier. There was no way out of Pee-wee's secret basement of iniquitous torture and general mayhem within this land of ghoulish bad attitude. But still he wanted to torture me even though I was now dead. "Stop, stop," I said while the grenade was exploding. But it was too late. I died then and there and that was it. Pee-wee kept torturing me. THE END! P.S. Please put my story in the newspaper to make sure it's true. -- K. I like it when I can write in a style that lets me unhinge my brain. Thank you, Evil Pee-wee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Anyone for the Museum Of Science this weekend? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 02:22:38 -0400 Heya, It's time for another of my periodic visits to the Museum Of Science. (The one accessible by Boston's rapid-transit system, not one of the many other fine museums of physics and corporate propaganda.) They've got their butterfly room open for the first time. I was thinking of going Sunday around lunchtime, probably staying until 5 (closing time.) Anyone want to join me? If so, send mail and and I'll coordinate times and places. We could do dinner afterwards, someplace cheap in Chinatown. Warning: I may heckle the electricity guy if he won't let me put my tongue on the Tesla coils. -- K. If it's the same guy as last time, I should wear a T-shirt saying "ALL DOCTORS AGREE YOU SHOULD DRINK EIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anyone for the Museum Of Science this weekend? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:38:05 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > save a little science museum of science energy for august, will ya? > last time, I had to go to the museum ALONE! Dear Talysman Two-Space The Ur-Beatle, I always have energy for the Museum of Science, especially the kind that makes lightning. I go there way too often for someone who doesn't have a membership. 'Cause I never get tired of complaining about all the out-of-date labels on the exhibits in "Mathematica". I mean, when even your science museum's _math_ section is out-of-date, the place becomes a source of limitless complaining. And complaining is even more powerful than lightning, even though it does nothing to curators! This is because they smell like outdated cheese. Anyway, I'm allowed to go again in August if there are no important Real Life events which clobber that date, like if I'm dead or something. Even so, I'd probably still put in my will that I'd want to be hit by some of those big lightning bolts to see if I could turn into a Frankenkibo. -- K. In a week or two they'll take out the butterflies and put in some lame brain exhibit. Probably won't even have a _living_ jar-brain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New trends in Kibological Dining Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:45:22 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I just read a great article on "Avant Cuisine", a wacky new style of dining > from Spain, that's attempting to establish a foothold here in the US. > > [www.nytimes.com] > -> > -> Sci-Fi Cooking Tries Dealing With Reality > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> "We could take that bacon strip and lay it on a plate, but it would be > -> lifeless," Mr. Achatz said. "It would be dead. You hang it on something > -> that sways and it becomes alive. It becomes interactive. It becomes > -> sculpture." Oh, come on, name me one type of bacon that _isn't_ already a beautiful sculpture. Those mottled red-brown and golden-brown zebra stripes... Those rollercoaster curves... The glistening crust of fried oil and recrystallized salt. Bacon is one of the most beautiful foods there is. It's the animal kingdom's version of sushi. I'm not paying any restaurant to feed me one bacon strip, no matter what it's dangling from. Especially if it's dangling from what I think it's dangling from. -- K. Come on, _all_ food is interactive, unless it's behind glass in the Museum Of Science. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: P. G. Wodehouse (was Re: The man in black in Charlie's bar) Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:52:57 -0400 [on not being wild about P.G. Wodehouse, whoever she is] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > I am, in effect, about to submit my resignation from the Cool Table > > (assuming I was ever seated there): > > Sorry, we put glue on the chairs, so your ass is permanently part of the > Cool Table. If the rest of you manages to get away like the three-legged > mouse mentioned in that other thread, that's fine, but your ass is ours. So you're expecting him to grow an extra leg so he can thrash around with the New Glue Trap Style Cool Table stuck to him all night while he screams "EEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE!" at the top of his lungs? I'd pay to see that, but I'd also pay not to have to listen to it, so the two sort of cancel each other out so go ahead and do it for me for free. > > Verdict: Amusing, but if this is representative of Wodehouse > > I think Wodehouse is funnier read than listened to, but I admit I found > parts of Wodehouse's prose funny that weren't intended to be funny. Even though she wrote the BBC all those letters that got "Doctor Who" cancelled? > > Go ahead, kill me now. > > No. We're saving you for bait. Oh, and anything you hear about giant > maneating squids is just rumor. I'm sleepy, so the first time I read that it said "giant marinating squids" and now I'm worried about calamari attacking people with squirt bottles of Newman's Own Italian dressing. With a creepily smiling picture of Squid Paul Newman on the label. -- K. How come he never cooks anything requiring any skill? It's not like it's hard to come up with a recipe for spaghetti sauce. You buy a tanker truck of tomato sauce, add a sprinkle of dried parsley, and ship out a tanker truck of gourmet spaghetti sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 16:02:35 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Shit, Karlo, I LIVED during the entire bubble-gum era! I gots more > > earworms boring into my brain than Bill Gates has pennies! I even have > > DISCO!!1! aNd It BuRnS! > > And you think I just fell off the fucking turnip truck yesterday like > some multiply-pierced twentynothing Starbucks barista? Depends. Do you wear vegan pleather? The kids these days, they don't know how lucky they have it. The clubs now play this amelodic, _arhythmic_ noise. My local club has a different DJ every night of the week but they all seem to have the same two CDs. One ends with a cacophonous build-up to a ten-second-long grinding noise. The other ends with a solid thirty seconds of microphone squealing, immediately followed by five seconds of silence, followed by ten more seconds of even louder microphone squealing. This is music designed to be as irritating as possible, but those same qualities also make it non-earwormable due to its utter lack of any musical quality whatsoever. I put up with it because, hey, at least it's instrumental. I find instrumental grinding noises less irritating than anything involving singing. But that's just my auditory agnosia talking. Music with singing makes me cringe. I should be a musician. I have no talent or ability whatsoever. I bet I could come up with stuff that's even less enjoyable than the grinding-noise torture CD if that's what people want, because people are idiots and should be exploited. -- K. I suggesting they should have a "quiet night" at the club so that people can actually talk to other people, but no, so we all wind up standing outside where it's much more enjoyable. It's quiet, it's breezy instead of stifling, people can smoke, and even at midnight, it's less dark outside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 22:45:34 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suggesting they should have a "quiet night" at the club > > so that people can actually talk to other people, but no, > > so we all wind up standing outside where it's much more > > enjoyable. It's quiet, it's breezy instead of stifling, > > people can smoke, and even at midnight, it's less dark outside. > > One day I attended a birthday party at GameWorks. The birthday girl is > fond of clubbing. > > And it was the first time I stayed at an arcade until closing. And when > it closed, a bunch of lights I didn't know about turned on, and suddenly > you could see the entire arcade. And the birthday girl remarked that this > was how they cleared people out of clubs, too -- by turning on the lights > so everyone sees what everyone else looks like and runs and hides. Yeah, it's like the movie just ended and the ushers are coming around shoving flashlights into your eye sockets -- the club instantly goes from Too Goddamn Dark to Annoyingly Bright. I wish that between last call and closing they could bring the lights up to a comfortable level so that you could have fifteen minutes of normal vision. Most of the light in my local club normally comes from the screen of a video golf game nobody ever plays. It's the one where the trackball has "A B C 1 2 3" around it and to hit the ball straight you have to look on the chart that says that to do "straight" you have to roll the ball to "B" then "3" which is to the right then to the back and left, or something else equally arbitrary, even more arbitrary than regular golf. It also costs 75c to play three holes. I have only ever seen anyone even attempting to play it once. Usually there's one third of a credit in it, though, since people seem to think it would be worth playing if it took a single quarter. The attract mode consists of pictures of skinny blonde females because apparently there's no switch they can flip to turn the machine gay enough to be in that club. Also, it's _golf_. Really should be an Indiana Jones game or something. > Insightful. I love any word that contains the string "ghtf". Anyway, lately I tend to be the brightest thing in the club, for many reasons. -- K. Now let's make up some more words with "ghtf". "Look out! Darth Vader is filling in his SAT answer sheet with his #2 lightfaber!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 16:11:23 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Kibo will laugh at me as this is just screening in Austria right now, > but I am also going to watch a Clockwork Orange at 10pm on SBS > (probably not cut that much as they did show all of "Tie Me Up, > Tie Me Down", "Sword of Vengeance" and many others without cuts.) It better be letterboxed. And really, really wide. "A Clockwork Orange", like many of Kubrick's films, is wholly composed around an extra-wide canvas. Just as with "2001", pan-and-scan destroys all the compositions. If it's not letterboxed, rent the DVD instead, you'll be much happier. (You're talking to someone who went out of his way to get the old transfer of "Dr. Strangelove" which keeps switching between two aspect ratios because that's the way Kubrick told them to do it. The moment he died they cut the top and bottom off all the airplane scenes to reissue it.) You want a Kubrick film that was designed to be shown on TV, go get a copy of "Eyes Wide Shut", which he filmed open-matte to make it TV-ready. The DVD has a big disclaimer explaining that he really did want the DVD to be full-frame-only. But that was after he went extra-insane, so it's a trade-off. -- K. But I just got the second "Sledge Hammer!" season set which starts with "A Clockwork Sledge". The disc has a nice pastiche of the "Clockwork Orange" poster art. Except no rolling eyeball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 18:51:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You want a Kubrick film that was designed to be shown on TV, go > > get a copy of "Eyes Wide Shut", which he filmed open-matte to make > > it TV-ready. The DVD has a big disclaimer explaining that he really > > did want the DVD to be full-frame-only. But that was after he went > > extra-insane, so it's a trade-off. > > He did the same thing with The Shining. I donut gettit. So should i > break down and buy The Shining formatted for TV? My view of "open-matte" films is that they look good either letterboxed or full-frame, as long as the director was shooting them to be adaptible to both. Kubrick seems to have preferred the full-frame version of "Eyes Wide Shut", and James Cameron has said the same thing about "The Abyss" (shot in a similar process called "Super 35"), though not every ordinary open-matte film works. Some others are composed mainly with an eye towards theatrical showing, with some additional image above and below the letterbox frame but not enough to go all the way to the top and bottom, so for TV they still have to be cropped down somewhat otherwise things like boom mikes start appearing. (Everyone complains about the boom mikes in TV prints of "Sleeper".) Given how little Kubrick through of TV -- especially because his films had such slow, deliberate pacing to build tension, exactly the sort of thing that is completely ruined when you splice in commercials every ten minutes -- it's a little odd that he composed some of his films to work well on TV. ("2001" and "A Clockwork Orange" are notable exceptions.) He made some movies which are utterly dependent on widescreen, and others which had TV in mind. "Dr. Strangelove" is the real oddity. Parts of it were shot in the "Academy" aspect ratio (similar to the shape of a 4x3 TV screen) and parts were shot to be shown widescreen (similar to the shape of a 16x9 TV.) The War Room scenes are widescreen, and the interiors and exteriors of Major Kong's bomber are narrowscreen. At first I wondered if Kubrick just upgraded to widescreen part way through production, but the the special effects shots must have been done last, and all those plane exteriors are framed to make it obvious that they were intended to be shown narrowscreen. (When shown in theaters, the top and bottom are cut off, and then most TV prints take that and also cut off the left and right, so that the plane doesn't even fit on the screen.) But some of the interior shots have little flaws (internal lens reflections, etc.) above or below the "safe" area for letterboxing, indicating that maybe those scenes were designed to be cropped to widescreen. And the War Room scenes are clearly composed only for widescreen, with people standing very far apart. The one DVD transfer of "Dr. Strangelove" that Kubrick officially approved of, shortly before he died, switches back and forth between the two aspect ratios, so it's possible that he did want different scenes to be framed differently. (It's not the only time a director has tried something like that for its effect -- Douglas Trumbull originally intended "Brainstorm" to switch between 35mm and "ShowScan" footage whenever a hallucination happened, and the long version of "Superman" has that really wonderful black-and-white prologue on the little screen surrounded by curtains before the bright blue widescreen titles blast past the edges of that frame.) The current "40th Anniversary" version of "Dr. Strangelove" has the top and bottom of the plane scenes cut off, but that's still better than the older versions which have the top, bottom, left, _and_ right cut off. The real reason for the most recent change is probably not merely "Kubrick is dead, so screw him, we're going to chop up his plane scenes so people stop complaining about the fuzzy black bars at the top and bottom of the War Room scenes" but more "People who buy Stanley Kubrick DVDs probably have fancy 16x9 TVs and if we don't chop up the plane scenes, the War Room scenes will be really tiny." Here, I'll diagram this weirdness because I like typing rectangles... Typical old TV version of "Dr. Strangelove" on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ | | | | | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped top, bottom, | | | scene | left, and right with gigantic plane; | | | | War Room scenes cropped left & right +---------------+ +---------------+ Previous "Dr. Stangelove" DVD on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ | | |---------------| | plane scene | | War Room | <-- no scenes cropped; plane has | | | scene | scenery around it | | |---------------| +---------------+ +---------------+ Previous "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 16x9 TV: +-------------------+ +-------------------+ | | | | | +---------------+ | | | plane scene | | | | War Room | | <-- no scenes cropped; plane | | | | | | scene | | has scenery around it | | | | | +---------------+ | but War Room gets small +-------------------+ +-------------------+ Current "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ |---------------| |---------------| | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped | | | scene | top & bottom |---------------| |---------------| +---------------+ +---------------+ Current "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 16x9 TV: +-------------------+ +-------------------+ | | | | | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped | | | scene | top & bottom (as in the | | | | original theatrical release) +-------------------+ +-------------------+ To sum up, I don't think "The Shining" is better or worse in either a full-frame or letterboxed transfer -- I think it was designed to survive that. "2001" and "A Clockwork Orange" were designed for widescreen only, and "Dr. Strangelove" was designed to be shown only in Nardac Blefuscu's Martian multiplex on a rubber screen that could stretch and shrink between scenes. -- K. Nardac Blefuscu, as I'm sure everyone knows, was the original director of "Dr. Strangelove" before he got fired and replaced by that even weirder guy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 04:51:40 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > FIDELIO! Tim, stop it. You're not getting the job, no matter how sexually adventurous you want other people to think you are. People who are truly sexually adventurous don't advertise how kinky they are. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch a romantic movie with my wife. -- K. ANTA, ODELI, UTA! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 22:59:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I have bought The Shining and 2001 in the format they were intended. You have a Cinerama screen in your home? Wow. Do you have one with the enormous geodesic dome, or just one of the little ones? > [...] > > God, where the hell else would I find people who are more into Kubrick > than I and no one thinks its weird. I'm still impressed that nobody responded to my trivia challenge about the name of Nardac Blefuscu's movie company. The answer was "Macro-Galaxy-Meteor". It was on the title screens of a documentary about the extinction of all life on Earth, which was later retitled "Dr. Strangelove" by the time Kubrick and Terry Southern finished making it funny. This was before the pie scene was put _in_, let alone taken out. (You learn more about making movies from reading the rejected draft scripts. That "Dr. Strangelove" draft with Nardac Blefuscu was in my college library, along with a "2001" draft where the last thirty pages or so consisted of a voice-over telling us what Clindar was doing. And, as I've mentioned before, they had rejected _1960's_ "Star Trek" scripts, like "Tomorrow The Universe", where Kirk tricks Hitler by painting a giant swastika on the Enterprise.) -- K. HA HA HITLER, KIRK PUNK'D YOU! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: World's most negligent parents Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 18:03:52 -0400 [abclocal.go.com] -> -> Child with No Name -> -> TUCSON, AZ -- May 11, 2005 -- A couple in Tucson, Arizona is -> making news for refusing to give their child a name. "He won't earn the right to have a name until he kills a man in battle," said the father, Robert Heinlein. Or was that the ancient Spartans? I forget. (I get my exciting manly adventures confused.) -> Andrew Heatley and Mary Lane decided against naming their second -> child when she was born, because they wanted to see what would -> fit her personality. How about "Sad And Neglected"? -> She is 18 months old now, and still nameless. She should start talking about now. I wonder whether her first word will be "Hurryupandnamemeyoucretins". -> For now, they just call her "Baby" or "Bobee" -- a nickname used -> by her big sister, Meah. "Baby", huh? I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. She'll move out the moment she's 18 and legally change her name to something that doesn't suck. Can you imagine being a 17-year-old named "Baby"? Or named "Meah"? Every conversation would have to involve saying "M-E-A-H. No, it doesn't mean anything, except that my parents don't like giving their kids spellable names." "Meah" is an actual name, but only as a last name -- for instance, there's famous sideshow performer Johnny Meah (The Czar Of Bizarre). I'm told it's also the name of some wall in Jerusalem. Great, she's named after an inanimate object. But even so there are millions of better inanimate names: "Settee", "Credenza", "Ukelele", "Habitrail", "Spaghetti", "Cantaloupe", "Gnip-Gnop", "Wonderbra", "Comma", "Ellipsis"... -> Because "Baby" has no legal name, she has no birth certificate, -> no social security number, and cannot be claimed as a tax deduction. I'd love to hear the conversations which will ensue once these parents get off their asses and try to explain to the government that they need a retroactive birth certificate because they forgot to name their baby, who isn't even legally named "Baby". They should at least pick a name for her temporarily so they can get her that Social Security number and then they can call her "031-45-8731" for the rest of her life. They could get her a job assembling chrome police androids that tend to randomly explode. -> (Copyright 2005 by WPVI-TV 6. All rights reserved.) "WPVI-TV 6"! That's a better name for the kid than "Baby". Or how about "All Rights Reserved"? Her nickname would be "Alright!" -- K. How about "My Parents Were Too Negligent To Name Me And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:05:29 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [abclocal.go.com] > > -> > > -> For now, they just call her "Baby" or "Bobee" -- a nickname used > > -> by her big sister, Meah. > > > > I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. > > [...] Can you imagine being a 17-year-old named "Baby"? > > A cow-orker pointed out to me that there's someone at work named Baby. What daycare center do you work at? > I'd list the (presumably) woman's last name as it's much more bizarre > than her (presumably) first name, but much like the funniest joke > ever written it could destroy civilization as we know it if let loose > in the wild. Good, let's do it. Baby Snodgratt Baby Sninklefums Baby Broccoli Buncha Baby Fleeflopwoxiegurpyack Q. Barf Baby Paramecium In Your Pants Baby Geezer Baby Shemelmahayyyymerlalangerlaaaadyyyyy Hates Jerry Lewis Baby Corn With Real Corn Baby Crumple Zone Baby Baby Baby Baby Fartin' Baby Baby Woxicantoleeza Finglepooter Q. Flugumza Baby Andy Rooney Vs. Nicola Tesla Baby Nicola Tesla Vs. Senile Andy Rooney Baby Andy Rooney Vs. Senile Andy Rooney Baby Oooooooooo Baby Mangler Baby Of Baby Your Baby Face Baby "1001 Names For Your Baby" Baby Crubumble Baleen Baby Shmaby Baby What The Hell Kinda Name Is "Europe" Baby Oops Baby Spinach Lung Buster Baby Jock Itch On Mars Baby Gleepflax Dumbo Hellephant Baby Not Hitler Baby Has No Odor Baby Has Hitler Odor Baby Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Baby Gortar The Urinator Baby B. Gone Baby Backribz Baby Adult There. Are we all destroyed now? -- K. I'm glad I was never a baby. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 23:08:23 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > I SWEAR I was recently seated at a table at a cousin's wedding where > there was also seated a very personable guy named "Randy". A couple of > us at the table didn't catch his last name, so when he got up to get a > drink, I checked his placecard. His last name is "Moan". > > His parents named him Randy Moan. They probably named him Randall, but he goes by "Randy Moan" because he wants to prove he's randier than Tony Randall. I heard Tony Randall just fathered another kid even though he died at the age of three hundred. Dick Clark has some catchin' up to do! -- K. Dumb name I just thought up: "Randy Unitard". It's like "Randy" plus "Unit" plus "Tard" plus he's wearing a dance belt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 14:59:23 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Former classmate: Ophelia Bussom. Why is it that you get to live in Benny Hill's universe but I can't get in, no matter how hard I smash my head against the TV screen? -- K. Did she ever make prank calls to Moe the bartender where she'd pretend to be named "Jane Normal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 14:55:24 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > when i was in 4th grade, i had a boy classmate named Gay Miracle [...] That's a perfectly normal name for your classmate, assuming you're 150 years old. But if you were in school with him sometime after the steam engine was invented, maybe his parents were conducting some sort of cruel science experiment to see if they could get they could get in the Guinness Book for "Parents Whose Kid Has Been Beat Up The Most Times". Either that, or they had an eBay auction where they agreed to name their kid after the highest bidder and it was a tie between Ben-Gay and Miracle Whip, two great products that go great together. Fun fact: 150 years ago, the ointment was named after a "Dr. Bengue". He may have made Ben-Gay, but he never made Budweiser. -- K. Besides, "Gay" is a girl's name! A _straight_ girl's name! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:04:10 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. > > She'll move out the moment she's 18 and legally change her name > > to something that doesn't suck. Can you imagine being a 17-year-old > > named "Baby"? > > A lady who works in a company I deal with is named "Kisses". Tell me > that is not child abuse. It's the people who give their kid a "funny" name that really bug me. Like, if your last name is Claus, naming your kid "Santa" is _not_ clever. If you are the Lanes, don't name your kid either "Lois" or "Louis". If your last name is Kennedy, don't name your kid "President". Names where the first name rhymes with the last name are also cruel, as are any names containing digits, capitalized schwas, or smileys. > When I was an assistant teacher, some non-student child (I can't > remember why he ended up at the pre-school all the time, when he wasn't a > student there) was named "Savon", which is the name of a discount office > supply store. Maybe his parents saw some movie where Savion Glover played Sammy Davis Jr. after losing his "i". > This thread will go nowhere. THIS THREAD IS GOING TO HELL!!! > Stacia > what the hell kind of name is that? I think you should shorten it to "Cia". And walk around in a black windbreaker with your name on it in six-inch-high white letters so that everyone will respect you because they'll think you're a secret agent. -- K. So what are you going to name your kids? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:15:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I am sleeping like, all the time. I got up, had coffee, took a nap, had > brunch, took a nap, got up for 3/4 of The People's COurt, Remind me not to spill any boxes of toothpicks near you. And please, we don't want to know even if you're definitely not wearing your underwear. > had coffee and am ready for another snooze. This has been going on > for about a week. > > My Dr says my antidepressant, which is not antidepressing me, is making > me sleep. So I should take MORE of it. Being in medicine we see this > effect, to get rid of one effect of a drug, give more, like dopamine, > (there is renal dose which improves renal circulation, and high does > which reduces renal circulation). Quick, make an appointment with Dr. Sergei Speransky and his naughty nurse. > I guess I could wake up enough to do some weeding later today, and I > could stay awake if there was something I *had* to do, but I would be > miserable. So I hope this gets better before I go back to work (driving > back Sunday). Not to mention, the antidepressant effect would be > welcome. If you want an excuse for all the sleeping, you can borrow my complete set of "Space: 1999" DVDs. Just pop five of those into your five-disc DVD changer and you'll be forgiven for sleeping all day! > On top of that, I also started cytomel on top of my synthroid in case my > body is not properly converting the synthroid, so I get a nice jolt of > thyroid twice a day. Which, oddly, doesnt wake me up unless you count > the disturbing sound of my heart pounding. The antidepressant has this > effect too. Fun times. What next, dexedrine? Hot sauce. > The bright spot of my week is usually Wed noon med conferences but today > I woke up and said, "eh, rather sleep" and rolled back over. > > Back to bed. > > Marie, whose sleep is "not restorative" Some people try to get "beauty sleep". I try to get "ability-to-exploit- idiots sleep". If you know any idiots, tell them to send me all their possessions. I am now working on getting "ability-to-post-to-a.r.k-in-my-sleep sleep". My dinner is burning. -- K. Start with plain Frank's hot sauce. When you're ready, I can tell you what comes next. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 22:30:01 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > I am sleeping like, all the time. I got up, had coffee, took a nap, > > > had brunch, took a nap, got up for 3/4 of The People's COurt, > > > > Remind me not to spill any boxes of toothpicks near you. And please, we > > don't want to know even if you're definitely not wearing your underwear. > > I donut understand. > > Actually I donut want to understand. It sounds eewwwy. Go rent the movie "Rain Man" and then come back and apologize for not getting such an overly familiar pop culture reference. Watch "Rain Man" but don't miss Wapner for it. Wapner in your underwear. Gotta go to K-Mart. HOT WATER BURN WAPNER!!! Don't make me tell my story again about how I used to seize control of the "People's Court" phone-in polls with one call. > > [...] "Space: 1999" > > > > [...] Hot sauce. > > And, no I would rather have a sleeping problem than any Space 1999 or > any hot sauce. Unless it is mustard or horseradish-based. Mustard and horseradish don't work that way. However, eating a lot of them will cause you to secrete extra musk. Believe me, if you're depressed, follow Dr. Speransky's advice WITHOUT HORSERADISH, unless you'd rather be so smelly that people won't notice you're depressed. > > Start with plain Frank's hot sauce. When you're ready, I can tell you > > what comes next. > > No. Hot. Sauce. You can't move on to No Hot Sauce until you've had your Hot Sauce. That's almost a reference to "Alice Through The Looking-Glass" (where Alice can't have more tea because she has no tea) and is definitely not a reference to the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" computer game (where you can only "get the tea" if you first "drop the no tea".) -- K. I like how movies usually take the attitude of "Anybody can count cards when you're playing with just one deck but you'd have to be an Einstein to count cards when playing with eight decks!" It's not as if that makes the task any harder (you still keep the same number of counts in your head, it just lowers the chance of being dealt a hand where a counter would have an advantage.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Inside Out Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:45:31 -0400 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Why the inside flea market is cooler then the outside flea market > > Inside: Customers buy things > Outside: Customers do not buy things. > > Inside: Fans on the ceiling > Outside: Hot, unmoving air > > Inside: Scary biker types willing to growl at customers for me are just > twenty feet away. > Outside: Three hundred feet. At the flea market I attend... Well... Let's just say you'd be plenty scared. You'd be scared every five feet or so. > Inside: Next to good bathrooms. > Outside: Next to unstable bathrooms. > > Inside: Am friends with neighboring vendors. > Outside: Neighboring vendors are scary. Again, you wouldn't like the one I go to. > Inside: Ceiling. > Outside: The deadly sun. Dun dun DUNNN. > > Inside: Rain, who cares? > Outside: Oh, shit. Rain. > > Inside: Hot corset girl > Outside: No hot girls of any kind. Well, maybe you would like this one. You could come for the dozens of girls in corsets, and stay for the men in leather kilts. But all the real pirates would laugh at your little plastic pirate hat. -- K. So basically, you don't like fresh air? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mouse Doots! Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:49:14 -0400 Mr. Stabby (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I never heard a mouse scream - except when the kitties were playing > > with one. Several kitties and one mousie are not fair odds. > > I think rabbits can scream too, but they don't normally make a peep. Rabbits make a blood-curdling cry that sounds just like a human baby screaming in terror. They're loud and high-pitched and very disturbing. Mice make little mouse shrieks (surprisingly loud for their size, but not all that loud) while rabbits make loud baby screams. And what about the lambs, Clarice? > Which leads to the question, what are they keeping so quiet about? > What do they KNOW??? [ominious music] Only they know how to flush The Rabbits' Restroom. -- K. Clarice, have the lambs stopped posting in all capitals? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mumenschanz on teh train Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:56:26 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > I've been practising the theremin quite a lot recently, and almost > didn't draw blood on one occasion, so I must be improving. Um, that's not the Theremin, that's the cauterizer you're sticking your hand into. The Theremin's the thing that makes irritating noises which aren't screams. It was named after a character in Isaac Asimov's "Nightfall" and was made out of an old Atari 800 with two paddle controllers, using over three lines of BASIC code. So anyway, Lev Theremin, Nicola Tesla, and Van D. Graaf were in an elevator together, when the cheap Edison-made light bulb in the overhead socket burned out and it got dark and scary. Van said, " Eh, you finish the story. To make it easy for you, I'll even supply a good punchline: "I can't, I'm already standing on Steinmetz!" -- K. You know, Mrs. Terrain's plastic surgeon. The acid man. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now, Please Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:24:29 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > if you've never felt as if your entire pelvic floor were > trying to collapse into a black hole, you don't know just how > lucky you are. So let it collapse! Nothing can escape from a black hole, which means no pain can come out of it! Your pain will be trapped beyond your internal event horizon where it can never hurt anyone no matter how hard Stephen Hawking tries to get it out! > and, also, too, as well, everyone who has never had the > pleasure of feeling this particular brand of pain has now been > relocated to the top of my Ladder of Hate. Oh, I say that about lots of types of pain. Especially when I'm cooking chili. -- K. I wonder if you can get sushi with raw electric eel meat that's still shockingly fresh? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now, Please Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:39:21 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, I say that about lots of types of pain. > > yabbut, do you *mean* it? Doesn't matter, as long as the pain comes true. > > I wonder if you can get sushi with raw electric > > eel meat that's still shockingly fresh? > > probably. i saw a commercial on network teevee for a vibrator > with razor blade attachment, so i guess anything is now > officially possible. Yawn. You can attach a razor blade to _any_ vibrator with a little duct tape. Wake me when they start selling a platinum cautery knife attachment, because one of mine has a spot to connect one of those but I'm missing the attachment. -- K. That reminds me, I should go see if my new lightsaber has arrived. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correct Bowel Movement Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 01:06:12 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Yesterday I went on a "train the trainer" course, which enables attendees > to teach people lessons they won't forget in a hurry. Or somesuch. I give the "train the trainer who trains the trainer who trains the trainer" classes. Or so I'm told. > The bulk of the day was spent in small groups, teaching the group members a > simple task, and in turn being taught something by them. "I learned to say goodbye to five hundred dollars! Now I feel five hundred dollars smarter!" > I was in a group with 5 women and spent a thoroughly enjoyable morning > learning how to fold serviettes (in two different styles), tie knots, > make chocolate crackles, and braid hair. Um. Either you were in summer camp, or you were in a mental institution. Was decoupage involved? > These tasks were all assessed by practical demonstration. > > One of the sessions the other group ran was called "Correct Bowel Movement", > which I gather involved teaching people how to defecate correctly. I don't > know if it was assessed practically, but let's just assume it was. Feel free > to relate this total speculation as hard fact. Quick, someone publish a CD of "Beethoven's Most Incorrect Bowel Movement". -- K. And how do you spell decoupage? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correct Bowel Movement Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 23:17:25 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] > > Don't get me wrong. I have a tiny wireless laptop, and my favorite > pastime is expelling shite into the bowl and onto USENET concurrently, > so I'm totally sympathetic to the allure of bathroom reading. The Internet can no longer take you seriously, because of your bathroom habits. (You may use that sentence as your new .signature, provided it's not illustrated.) I often post to Usenet from the subway, which gives you a guarantee that I'm not pooping while posting. Worst that could happen would be I might be sitting between somebody who smells like pee and somebody else who smells like older pee. I would stop riding the subway if they allowed people to poop on it. This is why I haven't been to the Boston Public Library in a while. -- K. "Mommy, how do you flush the Internet?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 04:06:24 -0400 [www.sfgate.com] -> -> Police say they know origin of finger in chili -> Digit belonged to acquaintance of suspect's husband -> -> Ryan Kim and Dave Murphy, Chronicle Staff Writers -> Friday, May 13, 2005 -> -> The finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili belongs to an -> acquaintance of the husband of Anna Ayala, the Las Vegas woman -> who claimed she accidentally bit into the finger while enjoying -> a meal with friends, San Jose police said Friday. What an amazing coincidence! She should thank Wendy's for giving her that finger so she could return it to her husband's pal! -> Police Chief Rob Davis said the acquaintance, a Nevada man whose -> name was not released, had lost the fingertip in an industrial -> accident in December. -> -> "The jig is up," Davis said. "The puzzle pieces are beginning to -> fall into place, ANNA AYALA IS THE JIGSAW KILLER!!! Oh no! This means she's going to lock Cary Elwes and a really bad actor who's also a really bad scriptwriter in a bathroom and contrive an incredibly implausible way to make them cut off their own feet while not noticing the guy lying on the floor three feet away is breathing and also Danny Glover has godlike powers to spy on all this and also he can make his car go really fast by just sitting in it while the camera shakes around! -> and the truth is beginning to be exposed." -> -> Scientific tests on Wednesday and Thursday confirmed that the -> finger belonged to the Nevada man, Davis said. Authorities -> wouldn't detail the type of testing. Could be DNA. Or could be a fingerprint test. You know, by matching the print on the finger to the print of the finger he doesn't have. -> But a source told The Chronicle that "DNA will play a role" -> in the case. I hope DNA can act better than that amateur actor who wrote "Saw". Hmm, I suppose a horror movie about someone who did or didn't find a finger in her chili would be better than "Saw" in just about every way. "Saw" didn't even make me hungry, let alone scare me. -> Ayala, 39, was arrested April 21 on suspicion of attempted grand -> theft for allegedly costing Wendy's millions of dollars in a -> plot to shake down the fast-food chain with a tainted-food claim. -> -> [...] -> -> Davis said the crucial break came in a May 4 call to a hot line -> set up by Wendy's, which offered a $100,000 reward for -> information revealing how the finger ended up in the chili. The -> tipster told investigators about the Nevada man who might have -> been the source of the finger, police said. Detectives -> interviewed the man, an acquaintance of Ayala's husband, that -> day and learned that he'd lost his finger in the December -> industrial accident in Nevada. It's interesting to note that the newspaper keeps saying "acquaintance". They must have some reason they think they'd get sued if they called this guy a "friend". PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU THEIR SEVERED FINGER ARE NOT REALLY YOUR FRIEND. -> Also on May 4, police arrested Ayala's husband, James -> Plascencia, 43, at the Las Vegas paving firm where he worked on -> unrelated felony charges of failure to pay child support and -> committing identity theft by assuming the name and Social -> Security number of his young son, allegedly to avoid having his -> wages garnisheed for child support in a previous relationship. "Gee, Dad, thanks for fucking up my life so that you could avoid having to pay for the support of the other kid whose life you're also ruining." -> Once they had the confirmed finger link, San Jose police -> returned to Nevada on Thursday to question the man who lost the -> finger and "determined that this individual did provide the -> fingertip to James Plascencia," Davis said. -> -> To avoid harming the ongoing investigation, police would not -> identify the man who lost the digit or the hot-line tipster. -> Davis also declined to detail how the finger was preserved and -> transported in the three months from when it was severed from -> the man's hand in Nevada to its infamous resurfacing at the San -> Jose Wendy's. And what about the extra-girly Lee Press-On Nail? Oh, I just figured out why they thought they'd get sued if they called him a "friend". Especially if they used the first half of the word too -- "boy". -- K. By the way, I saw "Saw" and it sucked "Sucked". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:15:36 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ANNA AYALA IS THE JIGSAW KILLER!!! > > btw, first person to tip Kibo off about the existence of Anna AYLO and > what she's planning for her trip to Boston will be in for a HEAP o' fun. I wouldn't exactly call it "fun", except for me, when I hunt you down and force you to saw your own foot off as punishment for coming up with such an EVIL idea as "Anna Aylo". And the worst part is, because that ice-cream truck song has annoyed me 50,000 times, I'll make you saw off your foot 50,000 times. > [...] > > how does William S. Burroughs fit into this, again? They had to grind him up really fine. Check the "taco salad". -- K. (BETTER KNOWN AS "HACKSAW" AT TIMES LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH I PREFER POWER TOOLS) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 22:51:32 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And the worst part is, because that ice-cream truck song has annoyed > > me 50,000 times, I'll make you saw off your foot 50,000 times. > > 'sokay. I hear and obey. I'll send proof of my compliance with your > wishes in email first thing. > > (I WIN!!!) Any ordinary bozo can cut off an ASCII foot and E-mail it. I'm expecting you to use FedEx and a big box of dry ice, because I could use some dry ice. Put the foot in a Zip-Loc first so as not to get the dry ice wet. Recite the dialogue from the Zip-Loc scene of Taymor's version of "Titus Andronicus" while you are zipping the little zipper over what used to be your foot. It's my foot now. In exchange, I'll mail you a cup of Wendy's chili, and a packet of slightly used crackers. -- K. Proof is never demanded once someone becomes FULLY compliant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 21:16:44 -0400 More words have now been written about this finger than if Neil Armstrong stepped off that ladder and gave the Earth the finger. [www.klastv.com] -> -> Exclusive: Chili Finger Tipster Talks -> -> Adrian Arambulo, Reporter -> -> On Friday, Eyewitness News tracked down the man who tipped off -> police to the origin of the finger. It came from a HAND!!! Gimme my money. -> He says both Anna Ayala's husband and the man who lost his finger -> worked for him at his Las Vegas business. -> -> [...] -> -> Casey says the accident occurred at his business, Lamb Asphalt, -> last year. He says one of his workers was handling some -> equipment when he lost a fingertip. That worker was rushed to -> the hospital. The finger tip remained there initially, but it -> was given back to the worker. From now on, bozos will not be allowed to have their severed fingers back. All fingers should be mailed directly to Wendy's so they may assure their destruction in a non-chili manner. -> Ironically, Lamb Asphalt maintains the parking lots at local -> Wendy's and that relationship sparked Casey's actions. "And if -> we can help them solve the issue that cost them a lot of money -> and P.R. problems, we are more than happy to do it and it is our -> community duty to do what we can." -> -> Casey said Plasencia had a reputation as a good worker and that -> the employee who lost his finger is a long-time valued worker. -> So, he is really hoping he was not involved in any plot. Especially if it's a "24" plot, because just summarizing it could waste fifteen pounds of paper even before we get to the part about how Cisco routers and Hewlett-Packard computers can stop terrorists with their evil Alienware laptops from crashing a train and stealing a suitcase containing a gadget they will use to hack the Internet under the cover of kidnapping the Secretary Of Defense for a show trial when they're really plotting to melt down all the nuclear reactors in the country except that then Jack Bauer finds the gadget and turns it off but the defense contractor that built it detonates an electromagnetic pulse destroying all computer equipment in Los Angeles except for Cisco and Hewlett-Packard products and then in the chaos the terrorists steal a Stealth Fighter so they can shoot down Air Force One so that they can steal the other suitcase and this time it's the one which contains the nuclear launch codes for all of our nuclear missiles instead of nuclear reactors and Jack Bauer can only find them by torturing 39 bad guys and 43 good guys and invading the Chinese embassy and offing his girlfriend's ex-husband but it's too late they launched the missile anyway and I can't wait to see tomorrow's grand finale where they will make all of the preceding 23 hours make sense and be perfectly plausible and not hokey and strained wow. If he were involved in that plot, it would greatly complicate things and I would have to write a summary where I omitted even more important details about the nonsense. -- K. P.S. If you don't buy a Cisco router, the terrorists will win. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The chilifinger news just will not stop! Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 18:58:25 -0400 I don't care how sick we all are of hearing about the stupid woman who pretended to not enjoy pretending to eat a finger! There's new news, so I have to post it here! [sfgate.com] -> -> Worker gave his finger to settle $50 debt -> -> Mother says laborer who provided digit unaware of alleged plot -> against Wendy's -> -> Alan Gathright, Meredith May, Chronicle Staff Writers -> Wednesday, May 18, 2005 -> -> Las Vegas -- The Las Vegas man whose severed fingertip ended up in -> a cup of Wendy's chili gave his mangled digit to a co-worker to -> settle a $50 debt -- but had no idea it would be used in an -> alleged scheme to swindle the fast-food chain, the man's mother -> said Tuesday. $50 for a finger? I'd say he got swindled worse than Wendy's was supposed to. Fingers are worth a lot more than $50. It's toes that are only worth $50. -> San Jose police have refused to name the man whose finger they -> believe ended up in the chili. But the man's mother, reached by -> The Chronicle on Tuesday, said the finger belonged to her -> 36-year-old son, Brian Paul Rossiter of Las Vegas. -> -> "My son is the victim in this,'' Rossiter's mother, Brenda Shouey, -> said in a telephone interview from her Pennsylvania home. "I -> believe he got caught in something, and he didn't understand what -> was going on.'' I'm pretty sure he understood once he saw blood spurting out of the severed stump after he got caught in it. -> [...] -> -> Shouey said her son was desperate for cash when he gave his finger -> away. -> -> "He had a money problem. He owed $50 to this character, James," -> Shouey said. One wonders how this conversation went. "You owe me $50. Pay up now or I'll break your legs." "Would you take a severed finger instead? I've got it right here." "Well, that would save me a lot of work..." -> [...] -> -> "My son is a happy-go-lucky guy. He thought it was cute to show" -> the severed finger, Shouey said. "It's like a man thing. If a -> woman had her finger severed, she would never show it to anyone. -> But he would show it to the girls in the office if they asked." We have a new winner for World's Worst Way To Pick Up Chicks. "Hey, I'm an amputee, want to see what I've got in this cooler I carry around with me everywhere?" -> [...] -> -> Without identifying Rossiter, San Jose police spokesman Enrique -> Garcia reaffirmed Tuesday that the man who lost the finger "is -> being cooperative with us and assisting us in the investigation.'' And now he's also an honorary Yakuza! -> [...] -> -> At the Las Vegas trailer park where Rossiter lived until February, -> residents who knew he'd lost the finger were surprised to learn it -> had wound up in the bizarre chili saga. -> -> "I know he smashed his hand in one of the construction vehicles,'' -> Dan Gelzaines said. "He showed it to me. It looked like this," -> Gelzaines said, lifting his hand to show an index finger missing -> its tip from his own carpentry accident. Worst "Dick Van Dyke Show" punchline ever. -- K. Has this all become an off-Broadway musical yet? News stories about cannibalism always do. Hey, which one inspired "Hello, Dolly"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: trekwars Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:27:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Star Trek is over! yay! > > and in a few days, Star Wars will be over! > > I wonder how long it'll last. Well, they _are_ claiming another "Star Trek" movie is in the works, and they _are_ doing further "Star Wars" TV spinoffs (George Lucas has declared that the "Clone Wars" cartoon series will be followed by a computer-animated series, possibly featuring a horribly life-like Jar Jar) so I don't think you can declare them both dead until all the spinoffs flop. Maybe if you're lucky the spinoffs will all have really terrible Rod Stewart power ballads as theme songs so everyone will hate them whether or not they get good right before they're cancelled and flushed. I always think that when a movie is really bad, they should take the master negative and put one end in a toilet in a gas station restroom and flush and wave bye-bye as it spends ninety minutes unspooling for the last time. I know sewer workers find all sorts of crazy things in the grates of the sewage-treatment plants, but I don't know if anyone's ever flushed a whole bad movie. We gotta try it. Since I recently saw "Saw", let's go for it. Who here owns the master negative of "Saw"? -- K. Can we call a moratorium on evil vent figures? I'm sorry, but ventriloquism lost its power to impress people around the time radio was invented. Nobody freaked out when they put Charlie McCarthy and Howdy Doody on the radio! Howdy Doody didn't even have a _body_ back then, let alone his hideous original face! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storms Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:57:22 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com): > > > > Way cool storm just drifted in from Indiana, or maybe > > Michigan. Dark dark clouds, lightning, rain, wind. No hail, > > bummer. > > i believe that was ours (Indiana). if so, it expelled all of its hail > over Spencer. so sorry! if i'd've known you actually wanted it, i > would've given it back. > > > I love a good storm. > > freak. I love any storm, whether it's good, or naughty, or both. There's a basilica across the street from me. It's not the tallest thing on this part of Mission Hill, but it's what gets hit by lightning the most often because God Hates Churches. Whenever there's a lightning storm, I go outside and take lots of photos of the basilica getting fried. Some of my church lightning photos: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4902.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4853.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_200407.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4858.jpg And a construction site down the street: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4533.jpg Basically, if the storm is to the south (on the far side of the basilica) it seems to reach over and smack the south side of the basilica -- not the highest point, but generally one of the southernmost points. I've never seen it struck from the north, because then the lightning would probably prefer to jump onto my building. The low storm clouds seem to stay to the south most of the time, probably due to terrain reasons. (I'm only aware my my taller building getting hit once -- it was the traditional "bzzzzzzzzzz*BANG*!" sound.) I have no fear of lightning. None. Electricity is my friend. -- K. I eat electricity for breakfast. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: That's no moon, it's the world's lamest plastic model kit! Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 15:20:47 -0400 A couple months ago I mentioned the forthcoming awesomely-complicated Lego Death Star kit: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lego_death_star.jpg Well, I was at the toy store yesterday and they had an AMT brand plastic model kit that was supposed to build a big Death Star. From the size of the box, and the simplicity of the final product (a plastic ball with some light bas-relief lines on it) I believe the box most likely contains two hemispheres. It is marked as skill level 2 (on a scale of 1 to 3), because they probably also sell something which comes in as many as three pieces. Target's Web site claims this new Death Star contains "over 75 pieces", and I'm guessing most of them must be sprue and instructions, 'cause this photo sure makes it look like there are only 9 (counting the stand): http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_death_star_model.jpg As is typical with AMT, Revell, etc., the parts don't fit together well enough to make it look like a Death Star instead of a defective Rubik's product. The invisible seams are actually much more visible than the molded details. Luke Skywalker could probably destroy that thing without using the Force. He'd just have to throw a rock at it and it would shatter, unless the rock went straight through one of those cracks and came out the other side. Only the Japanese know how to do plastic model kits right -- Kotobukiya models blow AMT and Revell out of the water, and there is no comparison between gloppy Testor's paint and the sheer Tamiya paint. I wonder if they still publish that Japanese magazine that's half plastic model robot photos and half bondage porn? -- K. Japan is SO WEIRD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review:CAL Followup-To: alt.stupid-is.as-stupid.does.sir Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 21:17:11 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I am going to be out of town and off the interweb for 2 weeks. > > During this time I would appreciate it if you all could participate in > an experiment for me. Please stop responding to CAL. I just cant > delete that fast anymore. I am getting old. And Iwant to read KevinS > posts again. They cannot reach any level of quality as long as he keeps > jerking this chain. What, you don't think it makes Kevin look smart when he devotes so much of his day to showing us he can hold his own against an idiot? -- K. Now Kurt Stocklmeir, _he_ was funny, until his brain finally finished curling up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Role-Playing Game Of Doomy Doom Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 02:08:24 -0400 [info.mgnetwork.com] -> -> Three People Killed Over Role-Playing Game in Southeastern Brazil -> -> SAO PAULO, Brazil (AP) -- A 21-year-old man and his parents were -> killed after the man agreed to be murdered along with his family -> if he lost a murder-mystery role-playing game, local media -> reported Saturday. Never mind how old he was. What level was he? Was he level 7 so he could make his own scenarios? -> Two men, 21-year-old Mayderson de Vargas Mendes and 22-year-old -> Ronald Ribeiro Rodrigues, were arrested Friday after confessing -> to the killings, police said. Such poor sportsmanship! He should have left an elaborate series of clues and traps for the police, instead of spoiling their fun by turning himself in. He should have built a giant dungeon that he could leave around just for them to explore. Also it should have had a room filled with jewels and a room filled with armor they could wear and at least one Orb Of Something Or Other Of Which There's Only One In The Universe Because You Need It To Solve Some Stupid Puzzle. -> Thiago Andrade Guedes apparently died after agreeing that -> whoever lost the game would be killed with his family -- just as -> it happened in the game, police investigator Alexandre Lucente -> Capella told the Folha de S. Paulo newspaper. So the guy in the game was also murdered after losing the game-within-the-game, where someone was murdered after losing the game-within-the-game-within-the-game? -> Authorities said all three men -- who had known each other for -> about two years -- were playing characters that might be murdered -> depending on the outcome of the game. Guedes lost, and allegedly -> allowed the other men to carry out the killings, police said. See, now _that's_ good sportsmanship. -> Guedes and his parents were killed on April 26 after being -> drugged and tied to a bed, police said. Their bodies were found -> nine days later at the home in the town of Guarapari, 700 -> kilometers (440 miles) northeast of Sao Paulo. -> -> Police arrested Mendes and Rodrigues after a search in Guedes' -> room showed that the three men had been together for other -> role-playing games. ...and I'll wager they all involved being tied to beds. -> Mendes and Rodrigues were charged with murder and could face up -> to 30 years in prison if convicted, police said. That'll be enough time for a really long role-playing game! -- K. I'd recommend the "bodyguard" role, not the "bitch" role. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I missle you all! Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:14:26 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] I have tracked down the invisible extra space in my name and > terminated it, so now Kibo can NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. Dear Talysman One-Space Definite Article Another-Space Mesopotamian-City- Hyphen-Bug Now With Only One Space Unless You Count The Other One: Goody for you. Sincerely, The Amazing And Dangerous Kibo Who Has Put His Tongue On Every Electrical Device At The Museum Of Science Just Like Nicola Tesla Would Have If He Wasn't Too Crazy To Be Able To Leave His House To Go To The Stupid Science Museum. > [...] recently, McDonald's was running a billboard ad campaign out > here that showed some ice cream sundae with the caption "Time To Feed > Your Inner Child". only, one of the billboards didn't say that, > because someone did a pretty good job of altering it so that the > last three words were "... My Fat Ass". Who was it who came up with the book title "Digesting The Child Within"? I don't have an inner child. I have an inner giant rubber Japanese monster. Sort of like I'm Godzilla on the inside, except even more huggably destructive. -- K. <-- hey, look, spaces. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newfangled Dinosaurs Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:30:36 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > So my grandson comes up to me with this plastic toy dinosaur, > apparently a commercial tiein to one of the Jurassic Park movies > (the "brand" on the hip was a clue). It's got a white bony-looking > face and skull, blue body stripes, and its head bobs up and down > when you press a button built into the unbranded hip. He wanted to > know what the name of that kind of dino was and I didn't know. Sheesh. Any good grandpa would have just made up some lie, just like real science museums do. You coulda called it an Awesomesaurus or an Explodasaur and the kid would have been so happy that he would have sworn then and there to grow up to be the world's greatest dinosaur expert, and when he grew up he would find out what the thing's name actually is, which he never would have if you hadn't lied to him. What, are you too lazy to lie to your grandson? > When I was his age it seemed there were only a few dozen known > kinds of dino Did you prefer a club or a spear? And what's with this new "fire" stuff? > and any kid could rattle them off in a few seconds. Nowadays they > got all these damn newfangled dinos found since I was a kid. In the future, dinosaurs will have been able to shoot laser beams! > Why can't they leave well enough alone!!! Makes _me_ feel like a > friggin fossil. So what type of dinosaur are you? An oldsaur or a obsolesaurus? > Mark L. "I gotta go polish my false teeth now" Fergerson I remember when some people didn't have HDTV sets. -- K. I tried to look your dinosaur up in the encyclopedia but I couldn't find any that have a button built into their hip. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newfangled Dinosaurs Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 14:32:39 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > > > > > Why can't they leave well enough alone!!! Makes _me_ feel like a > > > friggin fossil. > > > > So what type of dinosaur are you? An oldsaur or a obsolesaurus? > > Actually, I find that one of the funnest things about being a > grandpa is that I get to be many different kinds. By day, he's a grandpa! And every night, he turns into a different dinosaur to tell the police how to solve the murder of another one of his acquaintances! It's like "Murder, She Wrote" but with exciting dinosaur action! It's like "Diagnosis Murder" but without the bowel-wrenching stunt casting! It's like "Monk" but without the waffling over whether his handicap is funny! > Some days I have to be the Ultimate Punishment-o-Saurus (you > think "wait til your daddy gets home" is bad, you ought to see the > smallest grandson's eyes when his mother tells him "wait til I tell > grandpa on you") because I have to think up "interesting" > punishments for Stupid Kid Mistakes like making them do the > equivalent of a book report on the Darwin Awards. The five-year-old > was particularly impressed by that one, and stopped trying to use > the lawn furniture as his private Space Exploration launch pad. "The Ultimate Punishment-o-Saurus" sounds more like some sort of pro wrestler with bad skin. I'm not sure whether he solves murders too. > Other times I get to be the Invent-a-Game-Reference-o-Saur, and > since none of them has ever read the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, > they had lots of fun reinventing Calvinball. Yeah, but you're standing in where I'm calling a Retroactive Boomerang Zone, so you actually just un-invented Calvinball, ruining everything forever! The important strip to show him would be the one where he says his mother's casserole "looks like bat barf". -- K. And the one where he pees on the car company's logo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK's beef with Virginia Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:32:42 -0400 Jim Blackburn (wqgzasx02@hamsneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > What started ARK's beef with Virginia? Is it like the east coast/west > coast rap beef, or is there something more? Well, if she was able to write a whole letter to the newspaper, how come she couldn't be bothered to figure out for herself whether Santa was made up? Lazy punk kid demanding to be told what lies to believe. -- K. What is this recipe you mention for Beef With Virginia? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Aussie iPod explodes Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 23:05:09 -0400 TimC (tconnors@no.spam.accepted.here-astro.swin.edu.au) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > For crying out bloody loud, now we will have to put up with the > > "no iPods at the petrol station" rubbish that has been around for > > at least 10 years with mobile phones and still refuses to go away > > even though it has thorougly been disproven and tested on the > > show "Mythbusters" > > Because mythbusters is infallible. > > It only took them 4 differnt shows to show the damn obvious -- that > elastic chcickens bounce off glass cockpits, and inelastic (frozen) > chickens go through. HEY! I'm not through complaining about "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" yet! So don't jump ahead to complaining about shows where regular gay guys get to use power tools and blow stuff up! -- K. And don't you dare drag "Batman" into this! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: rant about current "reality" TV (was: Aussie iPod explodes) Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 15:53:32 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So don't jump ahead to complaining about shows where regular gay guys > > get to use power tools and blow stuff up! > > Don't forget the ones where they get to use power tools and PUT stuff up, > or use electronic paranormal investigation tools and FAKE stuff up! Even > regular gay GALS sometimes get to do the latter. I've been wondering if > there really aren't any straight guys left who can do shows like this. > Stephen Baldwin doesn't count. None of the Lesser Baldwin Brothers have ever counted for anything, not since "Bio-Dome", to say nothing of "Slap Shot 2". I noticed that "Showdog Moms & Dads" was careful to include a token gay couple. Since they weren't really dog-show people (they were more interested in dressing their tiny dogs in frilly pink things, and had never been in an actual dog show before) I assume the producers selected them just 'cause whatshisface is such an over-the-top sissy stereotype, and he and his partner did nothing but bitch at each other. (His partner was much calmer and did a great job of supporting the more fragile guy, so of course the camera was seldom pointed at the better-adjusted partner.) When the fragile guy had the last of his breakdowns right before the big Philadelphia dog show, I wanted to reach into the screen and throttle the cameraman and yell, "STOP EXPLOITING THIS POOR SISSY'S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! THE GOAL OF 'REALITY' TV IS NOT TO INDUCE NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS IN THE INCREDIBLY FRAIL, YOU SHOULD ONLY TRY TO INDUCE BREAKDOWNS IN PEOPLE WHERE IT WOULD AT LEAST BE A CHALLENGE!" Anyway, it was nice to see an actual gay _couple_ on TV -- the guys on "Queer Eye" don't get to actually do anything actually gay, since they don't seem to be allowed to even mention having boyfriends, etc. -- but I'm sure they were chosen just because they were the sort of flaming stereotype that would be the easiest for the homophobes in the audience to deal with (i.e. to laugh at), and it was pretty mean that the show focused on (and probably hastened) their emotional difficulties. Most of the other people on "Showdog Moms & Dads" are just plain jerks who I have no sympathy for (except for Adam, the boy who can sense his mom is clearly obsessed with her dog and will only give him approval when he's forced to trot the dog around the show) but their treatment of the gay couple who were out of their depth just made me cringe. I applaud the documentarians' inclusion of people who were a little different, but I greatly disapprove of their agenda ("Let's watch these fragile fags go to pieces!") Any documentary has to construct a narrative (i.e. make up a "plot" and/or "moral") from the raw footage, and with the other people the way the producers slanted it was "These people dote on their dogs but are creeps to each other", while with the gay couple the constructed narrative was "These guys spend all their time throwing hissy tantrums until they both cry, especially when we follow them around with a camera all day." With the other couples, there was more of an emphasis on documenting their relationship with their dogs. Anyway, I don't think they got to use any power tools, though we didn't get to see them building the mirror-covered toy piano they wanted little Liberace to pose on. (Yes, they had a dog named Liberace. In a tutu.) In terms of this "constructed narrative" approach to documentaries, it's instructive to think about how "Nanny 911" and its cheap imitation, "Supernanny" make the _same_ story -- with the same beats and act breaks -- out of a different family's footage every week. The kids are out of control, the parents call in the professional nanny to advise them, one parent listens to her but the other gets all upset that the person they asked to advise them is giving them advice, then everything goes wrong, then after the last commercial break everybody's personality has permanently improved overnight and will stay that way forever. You can tell how hard they're working to make one parent seem an uncooperative villain (the camera will film the nanny talking about what the kids are currently doing, and then they'll splice in a brief random clip of the parent looking grumpy or inattentive, shot at a different time in another room.) It's even obviously somewhat scripted. On "Supernanny" recently, there was a moment where the nanny was upset that the baby was crawling up the stairs, dangerously unsupervised. Three different camera angles were edited together -- one camera following the baby from a few inches behind, one camera retreating up the stairs ahead of the baby, and one camera at the top of the stairs waiting for the baby to arrive -- and since none of the cameras was visible to the others, this means the location producer said "WOW! The baby is doing something dangerous! Quick, film her, then carry the baby downstairs and make her do it two more times so we can get more footage!" At least they're not faking it with body doubles the way "Survivor" does. But still, I find it hard to believe that the nanny can instantly fix all these long-term family emotional problems, especially when there's a camera crew there telling the kids to be as bratty as possible so they can get better footage. That's the only reason the family seems happier at the end -- the producers have stopped encouraging telling the kids to go wild, and have stopped selectively including only the footage of them being bratty. That's all "constructed narrative" documentarianism is -- "How can we change this BORING footage of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED into something EXCITING? And how can we put the cliffhangers and a climax in so that the commercials can go in the right places? FIND OUT AFTER THIS!" -- K. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The best documentary series on TV in the past year was "NYPD 24/7". That was serious documentary journalism requiring a lot of effort, unlike "Cops", which is just a solution to the problem of how to kill airtime without spending any money. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: rant about current "reality" TV (was: Aussie iPod explodes) Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 18:08:31 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] regular gay guys > > Do they make fun of the gay guys who talk with the gay accent? Sometimes. And vice versa -- after all, someone has to make fun of the "straight acting" gay guys because the homophobes don't even know they're there. Also, the "straight acting" guys are caught between the butch guys and the sissy guys. (WINK, etc.) Anyway, as I've said, the difference between the tougher gay guys and the more dainty gay guys is often just as big as the difference between straight and gay guys, which is why you sometimes observe groups of gay guys separating into cliques like oil and water. For instance, the guys who go to a faaaabulous stylist instead of a barber sometimes consider all leathermen to be stuck-up thugs, and the tough guys sometimes amuse themselves by mocking the guys who talk in the gay accent. ("Oh, mercy! I can't do a THING with these socks!") I think the guys who do mock the "gay accent" are both making fun of homophobia and also expressing an actual desire to distance themselves from the stereotype at the other end of the spectrum. It's a kindler, gentler, gay-on-gay homophobia. Gay guys can complain that something is "too faggy", the same way black guys are allowed to call each other "niggers" 'cause they understand many subtle shadings of the word compared to when white bigots use it. It's a cattiness that co-opts the techniques of the homophobes. Tends to be a lot of eye-rolling when the two ends of the gay spectrum collide, but everyone gets along, with some teasing and cliquishness. As for the "regular gay guys" in the middle of that spectrum, I have made fewer sociological observations regarding their behavior, simply because they're so much less visible. (Gaydar doesn't work well, even for gay guys. A lot of straight guys come across as gayer than a lot of "straight acting" gay guys.) There is such diversity within the gay community that, of course, these generalizations about stereotypes within the gay world have to be taken with a few grains of Margarita salt, served at the correct temperature OF COURSE, and keep the doily under your glass at ALL times 'cause I don't have another hundred hours to find a replacement for this PERFECT vintage reproduction Louise The Fourteenth table! So anyway, remember, Lots42 is allowed to make fun of gay flea market vendors who talk with the gay accent, no matter what his orientation is. -- K. So you missed the 40,000 articles where I pointed out that Carson Kressley is a flamin' bitch queen? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: the gay accent (was: "reality" TV) (was: iPod explodes) Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 21:30:53 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Where did the gay accent come from? Is it similar in other > languages? Was there a mother gay accent, passed down from > Ancient Greece from gay generation to gay generation like > maternal miticondrial DNA? It's a real mystery. A friend once pointed out that gay guys seem to not like diminutives of their name, so a gay "Fred" becomes "Frederic", and if they're gay enough to have the gay voice, they put the stress in a funny place to get something like "FRAY-deric", "Freder-EEK" or "Fray-DARE-ick". The way this affectation works is that first you try to be more correct and precise than other people, and then you overdo the correction so that you're very weird in a whole new way. It's just what happens when you're _*TRAY*_ PRAY-tentee-US. The gay accent doesn't have to involve a lisp (though that's the stereotype), it's more of a singsong intonation where the stress moves around to make stuff sound pretty, and certain vowels are drawn out to express faaaaabulousness. The exaggerated stress requires the use of body language to give it extra oomph. To try it for yourself, try imitating Austin Powers saying "Oh, beHAVE!" without moving from the neck down, then stand up and try it again but this time put your wrists, shoulders, and pelvis into it. It's sort of like how Elvis had to make all his joints revolve like that to be able to sing like that. If you want to practice doing the gay voice, just say a bunch of Austin Powers catchphrases while flexing all your joints to emphasize stuff the way the Festrunk Brothers did. Come to think of it, just do the Festrunk brothers. "We are CRUUUUZING for FOX-ES!" Even better, Stephen Stucker as Johnny Jacobs in "Airplane!": "And then Prince Charles started wearing ALL of Lady Di's clothes!" He had the gay voice and the body language to really sell it. If you're still having trouble doing the physical mannerisms to help you exaggerate the stress, add a prop. Grab a blue index card like Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game '76" (use your other hand to twist your eyeglasses) or hunch forward over a microphone like Paul Lynde on "The Hollywood Squares" or wave a violin around by the neck like Jack Benny. In fact, just do anything like Jack Benny and you'll be gayer than a seventeen-dollar bill. Excuse me, a seventeen-dollar willi-OM. Also, unlike Mr. Data, gay people can use contractions. Data was one of the least gay robots in sci-fi, so we'll call him straight-acting. But think of C3PO in "Star Wars", HAL 9000 in "2001", KITT in "Knight Rider", and the very overtly faggy Dr. Theophilus in "Buck Rogers", and you've got the sort of erudite, pompous, pretentious yet sissified voice which represents either the gay accent or any computer-which-is-supposed-to- be-male-but-is-really-just-a-machine-and-therefore-asexual-therefore-gay. Female computer voices tend to sound butch, such as Majel Barrett on "Star Trek" and Bea Arthur as the Femputer on "Futurama". Can you imagine how much less funny "Futurama" would have been if they'd given Bender a stereotypical gay robot voice? -- K. So anyway, yes, some of us do make fun of C3PO behind his back. I think Darth Vader would approve, assuming I'm not already him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: punks today (was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!!) Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 02:06:29 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > I saw Pink Floyd at Madison Square Garden in July 1977. They were > touring in support of the _Animals_ album, and they brought a bunch > of inflatables that travelled across the Garden on wires (pigs, etc.). According to "The Simpsons", eventually Peter Frampton bought the pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale. But I don't know who bought the others. Did you? Do you have giant inflatable animals in your basement, or worse, in your pants? > I'd been comped four tickets but it was just my girlfriend and I, so we > sold two on the street to a scalper for twice face value. The dudes > who bought them paid four times face, but they had some pretty good > hash with them so we had a pretty good time partying. > > It was July Fourth weekend, and as the inflatable pig began to make its > way across the Garden, every fucking yobbo in the crowd (mostly New Jersey > and Lawn Guyland types) started chucking lit firecrackers at the inflatables. > > It was a fucking carnage. > > This was the year that I repudiated my art-rock roots and embraced punk. > Sure, you could get an elbow in the face pogo dancing at CBGBs, but it > sure beat having an M-80 that bounced off of an inflatable pig going off > in your crotch. See! I knew you had an inflatable pig in your crotch. Also, "going off" is too polite a way to put it. We could hear the air squealing out from here. So are you still a punk, or have you now embraced New Age music? Please don't tell me you like whatever that current stuff is that doesn't have a melody, a rhythm, or a name. You know, the stuff with the thirty- second-long scraping noise followed by five seconds of total silence followed by loud microphone squealing. That cacophonous amusic sounds like it was "composed" by someone like me. -- K. So who was this Pink Floyd person? Some J-Pop teenage girl in a pink stewardess uniform? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Webslaves, in graphic detail Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 02:51:31 -0400 [www.nypost.com] -> -> CYBER 'SLAVE' DRIVER -> -> By Kati Cornell Smith and Jeremy Olshan -> -> May 13, 2005 -- A Queens man accused of keeping sex slaves and -> committing horrific acts of torture on women that he -> photographed and posted on his ultra-violent S&M Web site was -> nabbed for federal civil rights charges yesterday. ATTENTION TIM CHIM, ATTENTION TIM CHIM. DON'T APPLY TO ANY MORE OF THOSE JOB POSTINGS. THAT IS ALL. -> Glenn Marcus, 52, made money off a demented pay-per-view site -> that featured graphic photos of victims he'd lure into -> master-slave relationships and then hold captive -- subjecting -> them to torture and mutilation in his Kew Gardens apartment and -> other residences, according to authorities. -> -> Adding insult to injury, Marcus allegedly ordered one victim to -> create his Web site, while a second woman was forced to maintain -> the site that featured photos of her beaten, cut with knives, -> needles and pins, hung from the ceiling and choked in a plastic bag. All at the same time? It's hard to type while you're being hanged. If you don't believe me, ask Nicole Kidman. -> An FBI arrest warrant details a disturbing chain of events -> centered on these two women from 1997 to 2001, but Marcus' -> torture of other victims is suspected to have continued through -> the present day, law enforcement sources said. -> -> Pale and sporting shaggy unkempt hair and shorts, Marcus was -> arraigned in Brooklyn federal court yesterday, where a judge -> ordered him held without bail on forced-labor charges involving -> aggravated sexual abuse -- a charge that carries a possible life -> sentence. "Aggravated"? Hmm. So what did they do that counted as aggravating him? Also, what would be the punishment for unaggravated sexual abuse? Double life? Or just life but without the little certficate to hang on your cell wall that says "I MAY BE GUILTY BUT BOY WAS I AGGRAVATED!" -> "These are very serious crimes that suggest a danger to the -> community here," Magistrate Judge Roanne Mann said. -> -> Marcus, who works as a comic book distributor, ATTENTION LOTS42, ATTENTION LOTS42. I KEEP GETTING YOU CONFUSED WITH TIM CHIM. THAT IS ALL. -> responded to the allegations in the courthouse hallway, saying, -> "I never involved myself in anything that was not consensual." But does he consent to being put in jail? If not, then by his defense, he's innocent but every cop and corrections officer in the world is guilty of non-consensual acts! It's a crazy, topsy-turvy world! -> In a search of his apartment on 138th Street yesterday morning, -> the feds seized whips, leather handcuffs, speculums and various -> sex toys, as well as Polaroid photos that have been posted on -> his Web site, sources said. Take heart, Nikon -- There are still perverts out there who need to buy digital cameras. (But maybe Nikon won't capture the evil psychopath market until they make a camera with a built-in speculum.) -> [...] -> -> In one gruesome act, Marcus allegedly chained her, covered her -> head and photographed her as he pinned a Wiffle Ball inside of -> her mouth and whipped her. Now, wait a minute. Wiffle Balls are about three and a half inches across. There's no way you can fit one of those in someone's mouth. (If you don't believe me, ask "MythBusters" to try it, they won't get past a billiard ball.) I presume they mean one of those teensy little gags made from a less-than-half-as-wide holey practice _golf_ ball. (If you don't believe me, ask Fuzzy Zeller to try it.) -> In other instances, he allegedly sliced her body with a knife, -> put her in a plastic bag and choked her, hung her from her -> wrists and ankles from the ceiling of a basement, and padlocked -> her genitalia with pins. Yes, yes, yes, but let's get to the real question: Why is this lurid, sleazy story being reported in the New York Post and not the New York Times? Also, why doesn't the Times have any comic strips? They really should at least print "Love Is..." so that bored executives would have something to draw genitals on during their lunch hour. -- K. I mean besides the weather map. "Hey Europe, eat my Florida!" -- B. Kliban ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goddamn Drivers Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 15:00:52 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Would you all still wuv me if I dyed my hair blue and moved to Montana > to write Harlequin romances? Depends on whether they'll have real clowns kissing. Besides, this is the Internet. You're supposed to write strange sex fiction about _something_. I know most of the people reading this are using their other hand to write stories about TIE Fighter pilots marrying Spock, or something, so you might need more than clowns kissing in your stories. You'll have to go behind the clown makeup to discover which widely-idolized science fiction characters are perverted. Is E.T. getting Yoda pregnant with his glowing finger? What do the Transformers transform into when nobody's around? What happened when Seven Of Nine moved in with Max Headroom? Also, scientists warn: MONTANA TOO WIDE, as indicated on a card shown during a commercial break in the very first episode of Letterman's NBC late-night show. That was back in the early 1980's, back when Usenet was still cool because nobody had heard of it or used it. -- K. Now, it's cool because _I_ use it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Drugs are bad, m'kay? (was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!!) Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 15:13:33 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > That was actually the really cool thing about hallucinogens. > > With two exceptions, everyone I knew who took them > > enough quickly reached a point where they didn't need > > to do it anymore. Either that or it was always a rare, > > special thing to begin with. This included several > > Dead Heads. > > Psychedelics were my drug of choice and my experience was much the same. > In fact, I have been able to induce a near psychedelic state of mind with > meditation, and the good thing is that it doesn't last 12 hours (with 4 > hours of coming down). See, the mental states which you can trigger by putting poisonous chemicals into your brain can be triggered by all sorts of other things, too. Self-hypnosis, strobe lights, hot sauce, Dr. Sergei Speransky, sensory deprivation (such as watching 36 hours of "Lassie" reruns), those'll all put you into various altered states of consciousness. With no flashbacks, except that you may suddenly gain the ability to sense whenever stupid little Timmy has jumped into another well. Drugs are bad. If you need drugs to make your brain get all wacky, then you're not doing it right. Just mentally flip that little switch that connects the two hemispheres of your brain and let all the stuff come out until your brain is nice and empty. Then send a little guy in there to fly a kite in your brain. You'll go to a special place so fast, it'll make your head explode, but this time you'll be able to hear it explode. Then when you're ready to return to reality, just take your imaginary kite out of your brain and return it to its protective storage compartment in your foot. > I got into the whole scene because I bought into the "short-cut to > enlightenment" theory, and because the folks in the media made being a > hippie look like ever so much fun and wackiness. When the enlightenment > didn't materialize, the burn-out time became more of a drag than the buzz > was fun, and that there were not that many people into it for more than > to party, I decided to take my search elsewhere. There are no shortcuts on the royal road to enlightenment. However, it's easy to make other people stupider, which gives you the same results. The people who made the sequel to "Kangaroo Jack" now consider themselves geniuses. > > A person who has done too much acid is not a pretty sight. > > Not necessarilly. I took a it a LOT and came through ok. I only knew > one guy that turned out permanently ultra-cripsy, and he used to drop > 8 - 12 hits at a time. Well, I guess there were also the two mad chemists > in high school, that used themselves as guinea pigs to test their own > products, but their real problem was that they were idiots and self- > trained chemists. Thanks to the Internet, everyone now has easy access to all the reference materials ever written by anyone, which is why nobody will ever again hurt themselves. -- K. I decided not to do drugs after seeing enough people in college taking drugs so they could act like happy idiots. I can be happy without being an idiot. Plus someone has to stay sober so they can play with the minds of the paranoid stoners. "Oh no, your refrigerator fell out the window!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's for lunch... IN HELL? Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 18:36:29 -0400 I decided to once again go trolling for school lunch menus I could zing without any danger of them zinging back, and the first site I found was www.schoolmenu.com. It's some creepy site full of hundreds of neatly-formatted, correctly-spelled (!!!) lunch menus referred to by number. I blundered into the site via a link to menu "#240a", so I fiddled around with the URL to see what other numbers would get me. This site represents a giant leap forward in Internet school menu technology, sadly eliminating the hilariously garbled spellings of drunken school lunch ladies. #003a -- Albuquerque Public Schools Elementary Menu has the lowest serial number on the site. And they have a "Take Mom To Lunch" day. What better way to show your love for mommy than to force her to eat greasy kid food in front of you? #023a -- Clovis Unified School District is out of their mind to serve "Crazy Cake". I'm not sure whether they mean that it's a cake baked by an insane baker, or a cake that you'd have to be crazy to eat. #098a -- DeKalb County Elementary & High Schools just aren't trying, because three days a week are "Manager's Choice Menu" (i.e. all the leftovers from earlier in the year) and every Friday is a "Weather Day Holiday". Also, their school year ends early (on May 18) so the lower half of the menu is a big picture of a banana jumping rope. #167a -- Moore Public Schools Elementary Menu won't let you have more than "1/2 banana", because Michael Moore ate the other half. #168a -- Kent School District has "Chicken Poppers & Jojos". What is a Jojo, and where on the chicken is it torn from? #177a -- Alachua County School Food Service has "Congealed Fruit Gelatin" because the redundancy lets you count the nutrition twice. #186a -- Surry County Elementary And Middle Schools have a progressive California-style policy of "Please remember to pay for charged meals the next day." They're giving kids credit lines now? It's a short month, so the lower half of the menu is taken up by a list of "Top Ten Reasons to Eat Fruit" courtesy the Dole corporation. #2 reason to buy more Dole Pineapple: "Enhance meals with bright colors, flavors." Then doesn't that mean that Froot Loops are better than real fruit? #189a -- Craven County Schools does something truly craven to their mashed potatoes by calling them "Sweet Potato Fluff", unless they are referring to a yam-flavored marshmallow product. Their menu is from last month, informing me that two days in April will each be an "O Day", and go ahead, make your own "Office Space" reference here. #190a -- Miami-Dade County Public Schools cover their menu with a smorgasbarf of egg, heart, and star icons all over the place. But the important thing is that they're not overcommercialized -- they offer "Kelloggs(tm)/General Mills(tm) cereals" which is okay because that way kids have a choice of two competing brands of sugar-coated purple cereal. #125a -- Boston Public Schools doesn't just have regular doughnuts, they have a "Super Donut". Bullets don't bounce off Super Donut, they just go right through his hole! #191a -- Dayton Public Schools thinks baby carrots would be demeaning to big kids, so instead those weenies call them "Carroteenies". #195a -- Socorro Independent School District tops their cottage cheese with "Carnival Crunch" (may contain up to 20% elephant parts and traces of freaks.) #197a -- Gary Community School Corporation has a "Corn Cobbett", but they don't mention whether they also have a "Frog Ribbett". Also, it's not a school, it's a school corporation, so presumably the kids spend all day making Nikes. #200a -- Huron County Schools will wonder why no kids will order the "ABC Potatoes". They should just call them mashed potatoes, or at least whipped potatoes, 'cause nobody likes already-been-chewed potatoes. #202a -- Jefferson County Public Schools has a little carrot to the left of everything which doesn't contain meat, and a little pig to the right of everything which contains pork, and in the case of "Sausage or Cheese Pizza", it has both attributes. There's also a "Berry Berry Muffin", named after my favorite vitamin-deficiency syndrome. #204a -- Kenton County Elementary's most special day in May is the Kentucky Derby, when they offer a "KY Derby Meal". That's either horsemeat or lube. #216a -- Orange Unified School District doesn't have a single orange on the menu, though they do have arrows pointing at anything which "May Contain Pork" and a diamond before "May Contain Peanuts". Amazingly, "Peanut Butter And Jelly" May Contain Peanuts. And you May Contain Pork if you eat the "Saus-a-rage". I'm not kidding. "Saus-a-rage". Shouldn't that say "May Contain Steroid-Fed Pork"? #218a -- Pajaro Valley Unified School District is trying to confuse kids with "Breakfast For Lunch", while simultaneously reinforcing the cultural orthodoxy that it requires special permission to eat particular foods at particular times of day. Kids, grownups are allowed to eat eggs any time they want and you're not! #168a (Kent School District) blurs the lines further with "Brunch-4-Lunch". Coming soon: "Supp3r ''4'' Dinn3r"! #223a -- Choctaw/Nicoma Park Schools made an oops! They still have "Tator Tots", a traditional school-menu misspelling which somehow slipped through the these people's fine quality control for on-line tater-tot menus. #226a -- School District Of Lancaster likes swanky names for their extruded food lumps. They have a "Chicken Rondolet" (I think that used to be Weaver's trade name for their patties before everyone decided people preferred the word "patty") and "Potato Gems" (those must be crunchy, according to the upper end of the Mohs scale.) There's also a "Pastroli", which I guess must be some collision of pastrami and stromboli, or possibly some other deadly volcano. #229a -- Washington County Schools doesn't just have regular rolls, they have "Hot Yeast Roll", just in case the kids are worried the International Jewish Conspiracy will force children to eat matzoh. On the 17th, you can get a "Golden Hawk Breakfast", hopefully without the crunchy beak. #233a -- West Caroll Parish School District warns, "The West Carroll Parish School Board does not endorse the products advertised in Tooned-In(R) School Menu." Well, goody for them. I do not endorse their "Sandwich Salad Cup", which is three mutually contradictory kinds of bad in your mouth. #235a -- Lamar [HEART]Elementary & [DIAMOND]Middle/High School, in addition to offering bizarre typographical Lucky Charms embedded in their name, serve hot breakfasts such as a "Pancake Pup" (Arf, arf, squash! Poor Spot!) and a "Do-Nut" spelled the way Monty Burns pronounces it. Apparently items are marked with hearts if only elementary students are allowed to eat them, and diamonds if only big kids are allowed to eat them. Except on the 20th, where only breakfast is served because it's a "60% day". I guess the math teachers complained that a "half day" was a BIG FAT LIE. #239a -- Leominster Elementary And Middle Schools has nothing terribly strange, although they do have a "Lucky Tray Day". I guess if you get the tray with the star on it you don't have to eat the icky food. Their menu has a note that May is National Hamburger Month. I don't want to live in a National Hamburger. #240a -- Lancaster School District has "Breakfast Bread", "Cowboy Bread", "Sunshine Bread", and the overtly propagandistic "Tasty Broccoli". There is also a "Petite Banana", about which the fewer jokes made, the better. A footnote warns "Some Ham products may contain Turkey Ham." STOP THE LIES! #248a -- Linden Elementary Schools brags "The cafeteria does not fry any food served at this school." This is because items such as "Chicken Fryz", "Potato Rounds", and "Popcorn Chicken" are soaked in oil at the fried-food factory so baking them is the same as frying them. #275a -- West Contra Costa Unified School District supports the Reagan administration with the inclusion of "Ketchup Packet" as a vegetable. "Mustard Packet" is another. Apparently the salt and pepper packets don't count. #333a -- Milford allows kids to "Build Your Own Tacos". I bet that no matter how much of the "meat" mixture you cram into them you still won't get any protein with your slurry. #348a -- Lawrence Public Schools have a "Buffy Milk Shake", which I think is something which kills vampires by giving them handjobs. #360a -- Fontana Unified School District's elementary menu warns of a "Surprise Lunch Giveaway" -- RUN! -- and makes sure you know you're not special when you celebrate "Everybody's Birthday". #360b -- When you move up to Fontana's middle-school menu, they move "Everybody's Birthday" from the 18th to the 11th. This makes everybody an extra week older. By college, they probably make "Everybody's Birthday" happen ten times a year until the students crumble to dust. Fontana also has a "Piggle Stick", insert Ned Beatty reference here. #363a -- Anaheim City Schools baffles my basic linguistic skills with a "Taco Nada", which is Spanish for "Nothing Taco". There is also something called "Wonder Bites". You'll wonder what you're biting! #389a -- Alum Rock Union Elementary School District has a "Born In USA Cookie", and not one french fry anywhere on the menu. Closest is "Cheese Puppie w/ El Hombre Chips". Poor Spot! He got to be covered with cheese instead of becoming a Mexican wrestler! #421a -- Sierra Sands Unified School district has two Fridays in May which are each a "Release Day". Uh oh. Lock your doors. There are also "Crispy Cubes", which is another way of saying "Blocks Of Rocks". #442a -- Jefferson County Schools begin their menu with, "Parents -- Need Extra Income? Opportunities to work in the cafeterias." And what kid wouldn't want to have their mom become the greasy lunch lady serving them bad food? #445a -- Rowland Unified School District was the highest number I looked at, because "Breaded Beef Fingers" indicated to me I didn't want to look at any more menus. Oh, and after poking through all the code-numbered menu images, I went into the site the normal way, through their front door, and was immediately confronted by a big picture of the site's "online DJ"... a truly terrifying dog with a giant flat-top hairdo and a tongue hanging out sideways... rapping "It's All Good... 4U!(tm)" And yes, his name is "Spot". Poor Spot! He had to get a stupid haircut so he could tell kids what types of dog food the schools were serving! Go ahead, take a look at horrifying new Spot at http://www.schoolmenu.com/homepage.htm or, should they come to their senses and take it away, http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_dj_spot.gif And look, kids! There's a crayon-art gallery of pictures of DJ Spot saying "Be cool -- Eat healthy food!" and _you_ can mail in your own! Go to http://www.schoolmenu.com/sendus.htm to learn how _you_ can contribute your own picture of DJ Spot looking ugly! I will award a free Imaginary Taco Nada to any Kibologist who gets a picture of DJ Spot published. -- K. I wish I ran a school food service. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's for lunch... IN HELL? Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 20:00:30 -0400 Fireknight (richardheath@infowest.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > #168a -- Kent School District has "Chicken Poppers & Jojos". What > > is a Jojo, and where on the chicken is it torn from? > > I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but a Jojo is actually a potato > wedge that is spiced up. They are normally served with fried chicken > (at least in Wal-Mart that is where I found them) and are actually > pretty good. I have also seen them at the local Golden Corral. I assume by "spiced up" you mean "sprinkled with a tiny amount of paprika". Man, I have a craving for those Japanese potato rings with the habanero. Those are mojo jojos. Tonight I am going to make myself some spicy, spicy tacos. I had a bunch of White Castles last night, and chose not to put any hot sauce on them, and plain White Castles (despite their beautifully weird taste) are one of the world's blandest bread-flavored foods, so tonight I want something with zing. I'll have to see if the supermarket has fresh hot peppers again this week. But I think two weeks ago was my only chance (it's rare to see really good produce in the big city, you have to get it on the first day of the year or you're screwed.) I don't feel up to going all the way to the Super 88 just to get habaneros, so I'll just use some habanero sauce. -- K. MUST HAVE HEAT NOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What's for lunch... IN HELL? Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 18:55:12 -0400 My article about school lunch menus mentioned a mysterious "Taco Nada". I had to go Google that to find out what it is. I learned the secret recipe for the Taco Nada by reading this. [www.murrieta.k12.ca.us] -> -> The Daily Log -> -> Tuesday, April 12, 2005 -> Reported by Alyssa -> -> HI my name is Alyssa. I will be your roving reporter. First we came -> in and wrote in our minder binder. Our minder binder is we write -> our homework in. It is filled with chocolate-covered cotton. -> Today our homework was learning to write a Biography and to study -> for our science test tomorrow. -> -> Then we took out are stuff from are cubby. In are cubbies we get -> information about school and we also get are homework from there. -> -> After we did that Mr. Coley said 'All people that are going to -> Shivela middle school must go in the M.P.R.' They where going to -> talk about the rules. I was not going to Shivela, so I didn't go. -> -> When they left we started doing are Colony Creation. The colony we -> did was called Coleytopia in my group we do the motto. Our motto is -> 'Forward For Freedom'. We have 4 people in our group Peter and I did -> the picture. Leslee and Thomas, my other partners, did the writing. -> They wrote why we picked this motto. Peter and I finished the -> picture of the motto so I got to help with the Coleytopia sign. I suffered from Coleytopia once after I went to Mexico and ate a lukewarm Taco Nada. -> After that we did math. First we checked are math homework from -> yesterday. I got 1 wrong. Are math homework was Graphing. Then Mr. -> Coley gave us a piece of paper and on it was a graph. The picture -> turned into a hotdog with mustard or ketchup. Sheesh, a good reporter would have written "WARNING: CONNECT-THE-DOTS SPOILERS AHEAD!" Also, it was relish. -> Then it was recess. I ate 1 Ritz cracker. I traded the rest for 5 -> handfuls of goldfish and nuts together. I almost finished the rest -> but then the bell rang. Sincerely, Archimedes Plutonium. -> After recess we did our states and capitals. Mr. Coley put on the -> projector and put all the states on. WE had to guess what state it -> was. Then we practiced with a partner I did not practice with a -> partner because I had to write them on my flash cards. I prefer to write on flash paper. -> Then we did are Biographies I wasn't at school yesterday so Mr. -> Coley helped us. My partner was a girl named Casey. I had to write a -> paper about her. My homework was to finish my rough draft of her. And then tomorrow I have to complete this dossier to fully demolish her. This all goes in her Permanent Record. -> Finally it was Lunch time. WE have our lunch at 12:55 to 1:30. Today -> I was buying lunch. It was taco nada. Taco Nada is 2 soft tortillas -> together with meat inside. It was luscious. "Mommy, I need help with my homework. How do you spell 'vomitrocious'?" "Let's see... L-u-s-c..." Of course, if she had read my first critique of ugly photos of disgusting school lunch items, she would have learned the word "diaprous". A Taco Nada sounds potentially diaprous maximus, especially if the only thing sealing it up is a thin layer of boiled Velveeta. -> Then after lunch we talked about our presentation board. Our -> presentation board has to have the state that we did for are state -> report. Mr. Coley said it had to have a map of the population and -> the capitals population. -> -> Next we did science. Tomorrow we have a science test. So we learned -> about who made the telescope and we also reviewed are science -> information. -> -> Finally we had to put are homework away in our backpacks. Then the -> bell rang and we left. I hope you liked my Roving Report. Thank you for telling me what a Taco Nada really is. The first time I wrote about school lunch menus, it raised the question of what Taco Patty is. The next time, the mystery item was a Walking Taco. This time, I needed to learn about Taco Nada. Next time, Walking Taco Nada Patty. That's something that's not taco meat inside something which isn't a taco shell, then dropped into a plastic bag and squished. In other words, what 7-Eleven calls an "El Taco". -- K. I like real tacos. Without cheese. And usually I don't bother with lettuce either. A real taco should be spicy beef in a fried shell and no other gunk to get in the way of that spicy zing. And yellow corn ONLY. White corn tastes cardboring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Civil Responsibility, USA style Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 19:02:59 -0400 TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Teh big suck. I got jury duty summonsed, for June 6. No way to > get out of it, and delaying it will only cause me more > aggravation. Don't try to get out of it! You march right into that courtroom and do your civic duty to point your finger at the first person you see and scream "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" > Only joy is that this falls the week AFTER my vacation. Good. You don't want it to be the week _before_ your vacation because it's usually thirty days for contempt of the guy in the black dress you pointed at and screamed "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" even though he probably is. -- K. Be sure to bring something to read, like a big coffee- table Necronomicon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some good news for me Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 19:25:01 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > I had applied, about 3 months ago, for acceptance in the local "pro" > wrestling federation here, Cutting Edge Wrestling. Today they accepted my > application, and asked me for my measurements and specifics of my costume, > gimmick, name, entrance music and so on. > > I am positive I will end up regretting this, but I need suggestions. I > REALLY want to be El Kibo Grande, with leather bodysuit, gas mask and > different hair each week, but: > > a)What music to use? > b)Everyone will be like, I donut geddit, unless I have the URL for this > chatroom embroidered on my rear. Do _not_ pretend to be Kibo. That would be very, very, very bad. Believe me, I've been living as Kibo for many years, and you really don't want to know what it would entail. I strongly suggest coming up with an original identity. Trying to be Kibo Junior would just be pathetic, as bad as that guy whose claim to fame was that he played Potsie's replacement on "Happy Days". I will officially endorse you as my favorite professional wrestler if you use any identity that's not me. Make up a _real_ persona. FAKE KIBOS ARE NOT EVEN REAL ENOUGH FOR PRO WRESTLING! Also, you don't want to wrestle in a leather bodysuit. If it fits properly, you won't be able to bend much, and vice versa. And skip the gas mask, 'cause you're going to get weird bruises all over your face whenever someone grabs your head. Not to mention you might want to be able to breathe while you wrestle. If a mask is required, I recommend you avail yourself of a cheap, soft, three-hole ski mask. Then put on some fatigues and yell "DEATH TO LORNE MICHAELS!" You would be the world's only terrorist who likes America except for the part immediately around Lorne Michaels. You could make speeches about how Al-Qaeda screwed up and knocked down the World Trade Center instead of crashing those planes into Studio 8A at Rockefeller Center. Another possibility is Super Nerd. That's a Superman costume, but with glasses, and you'd talk about your own continuity endlessly. "And then, in issue #347, they changed my origin story right before I met Leech Woman for the first time, and then I met her for the first time again in issue #495..." Practice the voice of the comic-book guy from "The Simpsons". Or, equally horrifying, you could be Bart Simpson Man. Just wear a red t-shirt, blue short pants, sneakers, and some zigzag yellow foam rubber attached to a headband. It works even better if your skin isn't actually yellow. If you don't want that much edge, do something similar but shave your head, wear a yellow shirt with a zigzag, and be The World's Biggest Charlie Brown. Every time you get pinned, you have to yell "AUGH!" Also, bring a deformed beagle everywhere. How about being Bacon Man? You could smear yourself with bacon grease before every match. And make a big show of eating bacon at every entrance. You can even make a bacon costume by getting some beige or tan felt, cutting it into strips, and then drawing wiggly brown stripes on it with a magic marker. (I've made soft bacon that way in the past.) Blind your enemies by flinging handfuls of BacOs into their eyes. If you lose a match, do Red Skelton's impression of bacon curling up in the pan. See how easy it is? Just follow the "Batman" villian schema: Pick any object, snack food, or fashion accessory, and then fetishize it. So if you don't like bacon, it could be potato chips, galoshes, or iPods. (Galoshes would be interesting -- you could wear one on each hand and foot, and pull a big one over your head, and then kick the other guy five different ways at once.) If you want to be a Usenet reference, you could be something like "Tab Damage". You'd indent people into the ropes and they wouldn't quite bounce back to the right spot. Or you could be some sort of troll. -- K. I really like the idea of Bacon Man. Don't forget to throw bacon into the audience before every fight! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Some good news for me Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 19:33:53 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > I had applied, about 3 months ago, for acceptance in the local "pro" > > wrestling federation here, Cutting Edge Wrestling. Today they accepted my > > application, and asked me for my measurements and specifics of my costume, > > gimmick, name, entrance music and so on. > > If you asked nicely, I'll bet that you could get someone in IBC to do a > metal version of "In the Brain of the Sausage King" [...] That's right, we had those news stories about the murderous Sausage King and his shrunken brain before it became that hit Interrobang Cartel song! So let's combine that with my Bacon Man idea to create the most awesome wrestling idea ever: BACON KING! Or SAUSAGE KING! Either one! You'd use that song, and have sausage and/or bacon stapled all over your costume. Sausage King's costume would be 90% sausage and 10% cardboard crown. You could deliver great rants about what a loser Burger King is, and how he couldn't even get the Dairy Queen pregnant if he unwrapped his Whopper. Plus at some point you'd have to interrupt the match to pull a long string of link sausages out of your leotard and shove one into the other guy's mouth. I say, YOU TRULY ARE THE SAUSAGE KING AND/OR BACON KING AND/OR DEFINITELY MORE MACHO THAN BURGER KING! -- K. An all-sausage diet would be good for any wrestler! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An open later to the assbasket next to me on the Route 21 bus Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 19:54:47 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > When you bought your headphones, they were meant to have the speakers > pointing IN, as in towards your ears. Also, volum dials have settings > below Deafen. Nobody else on this bus wants to hear a commercialised > white gangsta rapper swearing, least of all my four-year-old son. > Kindly remove yourself from the gene pool. Now there's another good wrestling identity. Just as Vanilla Ice was the world's first pathetic white rapper, you could be the first black guy who desperately wishes he were a white guy pretending to be a black rapper. You could be the world's first black wigger, otherwise known as a "bwigger". And on the Web, you could be the first bwigger blogger. White guys desperately pretending to be what they're not are just pathetic, whether they're wiggers, winks, wags, or wetards. And it's not racist to make fun of them because it's always okay to pick on white people, since they rule our society completely! And then moment they pretend to be black, they're expressing a _wish_ to be oppressed by Whitey and people who are actually seriously black -- Wiggers want everyone to hate them! So being a black guy pretending to be a wigger would further invert that, making it impossible for anyone to be prejudiced against you! It would only offend wiggers! And the only way they could show that they were offended would be to buy even more crappy music! You would need these fashion accessories: 1. One of those early-'80s white T-shirts with a crudely computer-printed photo of yourself on it. There's nothing whiter than that. 2. An eight-ball jacket that's not red, black, and green, it's red, white, and blue. 3. Those jeans with the bleach stains on the butt, but the bleach should spell out "FUBU". 4. M&M character tattoos with the little round red Jon Lovitz guy and the big yellow Not Jon Lovitz guy. Below the tattoos would be the word "I LOVE EMANDEM". 5. A bumper sticker that says "I [heart] BLING [sideways smiley]". 6. Bleach your hair, then dye most of it, so you have black hair with blond roots. And do it in dreadlocks with paper clips holding them together. 7. Carry one of those little toy boom boxes where you can push the button to make a "Real Rap Beat" that consists of a tiny cymbal slowly going ta, ta, tee-tee ta! ta, ta, tee-tee ta! 8. A hardcover copy of Bill Cosby's "Fatherhood". 9. A _forwards_ baseball cap. A Red Sox one. Especially if it's one of those pink or floral-print ones I've been seeing around here. 10. Hold your pistol backwards. (Remember not to fire.) -- K. Your character name would be something like Rapmaster Sir New-Beetle-A-Lot. Wait a minute, I just realized you wouldn't be the first black guy pretending to be a white guy pretending to be a rapper: iPod ads. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An open later to the assbasket next to me on the Route 21 bus Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 23:59:41 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now there's another good wrestling identity. Just as Vanilla Ice was > > the world's first pathetic white rapper, you could be the first black > > guy who desperately wishes he were a white guy pretending to be a black > > rapper. You could be the world's first black wigger, otherwise known > > as a "bwigger". > > Ladies and gentleKibos, we have a winner. You mean a bwinner. > And as I'm half and half, it's even better! A thick bike chain with a > combination lock on it. Baggy white jeans pulled up to my stomach, that I > take off before wrestling (wrestling in jeans is baaaaad, unless they're > shorts). A Ralph Lauren Polo short with the logo crossed out and "Karl > Kani" written below it. WalMart's best sneakers. What? You're only half black? Well, then, you have only two options: Frank Gorshin or that other guy who tries to convince the Enterprise crew to stage a sit-in against the Vietnam war in that scene they usually leave out of the syndicated version. You'll need a solid gray unitard and a very, very, very serious facial expression as you expose the inherent silliness of all racism by showing people black and white stock footage in outer space. > > 2. An eight-ball jacket that's not red, black, and green, it's > > red, white, and blue. > > Yeah, they could get me that. Only in denim! If you'd like to attempt to make your own prototype: All you'd really need would be a denim jacket and one yard each of red, white, and blue fabric. Cut the fabric into the appropriate trim shapes with scissors, stitch it on (by machine or by hand) with heat-setting seam tape underneath, then go over the edges with the iron to melt the seam tape into the fabric. If you want to make stripes, buy cloth ribbon (note: not the flimsy sateen stuff they sell for gift boxes, get stuff at a fabric store) and stitch that on, again with the heat-setting tape underneath. (The point of the tape is that it locks everything down really thoroughly, especially as you might sometimes have to throw a chair before you can take your jacket off.) Alternatively, get some opaque fabric paint and just paint the "8" and so on on the jacket. That would be the easiest way to go if you want an all-over design. You could even use household spray paint if you cut a cardboard "8" stencil. Just plan ahead to put the white on first, because white won't be opaque enough to cover red or blue. > > 4. M&M character tattoos with the little round red Jon Lovitz guy > > and the big yellow Not Jon Lovitz guy. Below the tattoos would > > be the word "I LOVE EMANDEM". > > Tattoos = needles != on my body. Maybe on the back of the shirt? How do you expect to make it as a pro wrestler if you're afraid of a tiny buzzing needle that only has to go halfway through the skin? I know enough about pro wrestling to know how they make blood come out of their foreheads (a broken-off corner of a straight razor blade hidden in the ropes or passed by a confederate, they slash their own foreheads while being held down.) How are you going to slash your own face if you can't even handle a guy in black latex gloves running a little tickly buzzer thing over your bicep? You could always just draw the tattoos on with a marker before the match. That would also let you customize them for each appearance. There are also sheets you can run through a color inkjet printer to make temporary tattoos, in case you want to be able to use the same design more than once. > > 5. A bumper sticker that says "I [heart] BLING [sideways smiley]". > > Where to put it? IT FITS OVER HER MOUTH! Sorry, that's the punchline to an old joke nobody's wantin' to hear. You'd put the bumper sticker on your tricked-out New Beetle, of course. If you don't have a New Beetle, use a Cooper Mini. When you make it big, switch to a super-stretch Cooper Mini. > > 8. A hardcover copy of Bill Cosby's "Fatherhood". > > Bleh. Can I go with a sword cane made from a walking stick instead? Hey, I don't think there are any pro wrestlers who do a "Zatoichi" act yet. Lots of ninjas and samurai, but no Zatoichi. So there's another idea for you. You'll still have to blond your hair if you want to be the Takeshi Kitano version. I'd root for you harder if you could be Kakihara. That would require blond hair, plus lots of scars and piercings and any sort of rejected "Doctor Who" outfit such as a red trenchcoat, striped pants and frilly shirt. > > 10. Hold your pistol backwards. (Remember not to fire.) > > They won't let me have one. They make rubber guns (in solid or in cast foam rubber) for police training (also rubber flashlights and walkie-talkies.) The three companies I know of each make a different color -- red, yellow, or blue. You can get a rubber pistol for as little as about ten bucks, search Amazon.com for "rubber gun" to get started. Martial arts supply and police supply catalogs will have more, and possibly give you more crazy ideas. You could get one of those solid chocolate guns and bite the end off in the ring. Just don't let it melt in your pants before the match. > > Your character name would be something like Rapmaster > > Sir New-Beetle-A-Lot. > > Whitey McBlackdude was my plan. That might be a little too obvious, wrestling fans wouldn't have to think about it hard enough. Apply some lateral thinking! Weirder will be more memorable, as long as it's not a complete non-sequitur. So instead of "Whitey" you could go with some synonym or metaphor or symbol of whiteness, such as "Chalky", "Anglo", "Blanche", "Bibendum", "Titanium Dioxide", "The Entire Cast Of 'Seinfeld'", "Cauliflower Face", "Fishbelly", "Moby Dick", or "Pinky". Even "Moby Pink". Apply the same sort of brainstorming to "McBlackdude". You could probably come up with 20 or 30 things that suggest "Whitey" and another bunch that suggest "Black" and then some combination would jump out of that two-column list. Throw in the "Mc" or "O'" or "von" if it needs a different rhythm and you've got a winner like "Hershey Lutefisk" or "Phosphor du Tarmac" or "Mayo Blackberry", but better. C'mon, surely you can think of something better than those! I CHALLENGE YOU, NEGATIVE MILKFACE! -- K. Just don't make up any names that sound _too_ butch. I can't take Vin Diesel seriously. Or Wolf Blitzer. Or Spike Jones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An open later to the assbasket next to me on the Route 21 bus Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 16:59:51 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Frank Gorshin [...] > > Fastest Death-Ray in the west. Holy cow, I name-checked him with nineteen seconds to spare. My article was posted: > > Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 23:59:41 -0400 The earliest article on this topic listed on news.google.com is stamped "4 hours ago" from TV station KESQ, which got their information from "Entertainment Tonight", which gives his end date as May 17. If I had posted my article nineteen seconds later, everyone would desperately try to believe I had mentioned him after he had already died, but behold, my precise timing make it impossible _not_ to believe I have amazing Accidental Death Ray powers. Sadly, Nicola Tesla never managed to re-created Kibo's Amazing Accidental Death Ray Power (KAADRP) in the lab, no matter how much argon he pumped into that tube containing a Slinky tap-dancing in agony. I have the power to kill someone just by having seen them on TV when I was a kid. It's a power that cannot be stopped by any physical material known to science, it's a power that can pass right through the walls of Harry Morgan's lead-lined shelter. Oops! But don't worry, Harry, this time it won't work, because the Death Ray only works when nobody is expecting it to work. It'll probably just misfire and take out Larry Linville instead. -- K. Unless anyone wants it to, in which case it'll hit someone completely unrelated, like Al Molinaro. Oops! Now it won't be Al Molinaro either. We'll just have to wait until tomorrrow to find out who I'm killing right now. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An open later to the assbasket next to me on the Route 21 bus Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 20:38:00 -0400 James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > When you bought your headphones, they were meant to have the speakers > > pointing IN, as in towards your ears. Also, volum dials have settings > > below Deafen. Nobody else on this bus wants to hear a commercialised > > white gangsta rapper swearing, least of all my four-year-old son. > > Kindly remove yourself from the gene pool. > > Now there's another good wrestling identity. Just as Vanilla Ice was > the world's first pathetic white rapper, you could be the first black > guy who desperately wishes he were a white guy pretending to be a black > rapper. You could be the world's first black wigger, otherwise known > as a "bwigger". I just realized that earlier today I posted a link to the most obvious model you could draw on to be the ultimate annoying lame rapper of indeterminate ethic identity: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_dj_spot.gif Yes, by stealing "DJ Spot"'s look from that corporate Web site that's paid to tell you your local school's lunch menu, you could strike a blow against corporate hip-hop Poochies everywhere. You'd need a dog mask and an Elvis wig, then just put on a blazer and go around lecturing people about how curly fries help kids grow. The purple T-shirt with the Japanese flag on it is the perfect touch. The bone-shaped brass dog tag, they have vending machines at Petco that will let you personalize one of those so you won't have to be embarrassed by asking asking a clerk to put "RAPMASTER WHITEYDOG" on a tag. As far as the lavender belt goes, you should be able to get one from International Male, or if shopping from International Male is too embarrassing, go to any store's girls' department. -- K. And I should point out that I know all about white people improving on black music because I've seen "Three Times One Minus One" performing in concert. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Stupid Academics... (includes torture) Date: Mon, 16 May 2005 20:16:50 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [www.theage.com.au] > -> > -> Make torture legal, say two academics > -> By Liz Minchin > -> May 17, 2005 > -> > -> Torture should be legalised and is a "morally defensible" interrogation > -> method, even if it causes the death of innocent people, according to an > -> article by two Victorian academics that has sparked outrage here and > -> overseas. Why are we listening to Victorians? We should at least be listening to people from an era with more comfortable clothing, like Georgians (look how comfortable Jimmy Carter and Mikhail Gorbachev always are) or Elizabethans (if you ever got tired, you could rest your head on your ruffly neck pillow) or Romans (everyone looks good with a scrub brush Mohawk on the outside of their hat.) Victorians should be confined to giving museum presentations about how much they hate Edison, sung to the tune of "Daisy, Daisy". > -> [...] > -> > -> Professor Bagaric told The Age that he expected to be criticised for his > -> views, particularly on torturing innocent people. AND OH LOOK! TEN TRILLION MULTICOLORED SPARKLY DANCING BEARS ARE NOW SHOWING HIM WHY HE EXPECTED THAT REACTION AS THEY HOLD HIM DOWN AND TORTURE HIM! WHICH IS EVEN MORE OKAY THAN TORTURING AN INNOCENT PERSON BECAUSE THEY'RE TORTURING A CREEP! > -> [...] > -> > -> Asked if he believed interrogators should be able to legally torture an > -> innocent person to death if they had evidence the person knew about a > -> major public threat, such as the September 11 attacks, Professor Bagaric > -> replied: "Yes, you could." Hey! By saying "Yes" to that question, he indicates he's heard of the September 11 attacks! QUICK, TORTURE HIM TO DEATH! > -> [...] Entitled Not Enough (Official) Torture In The World?, > -> the paper cites Amnesty International reports of torture and > -> ill-treatment in 132 countries to argue that international > -> bans have not stopped torture, and it should therefore be regulated > -> to allow greater public scrutiny. There's plenty of public scrutiny of terrorism suspects being tortured! Millions of people see it every Monday night on "24"! > -> But Liberty Victoria president Brian Walters, SC, attacked that proposal > -> as illogical, saying, "this article is a stain" on Deakin University's > -> reputation. > -> > -> "If you accept that torture is widespread and should therefore be > -> legalised, why wouldn't we then legalise crime? Let's sell licences for > -> people to practice their favourite crimes, criminals would be so much > -> more accountable. That is the level of debate this argument turns on and > -> it is absolutely pathetic," he said. Wait, my brain just broke trying to figure out whether legalized crime was legalized or a crime. > -> [...] > -> > -> One of the Deakin staff members to have condemned the paper is the > -> director of psychoanalytic studies, Justin Clemens. > -> > -> He called the pair's argument "disgusting in the extreme, and symptomatic > -> of a failure of contemporary legal ethics". PUNY _HUMAN_ ETHICS DO NOT MAKE IT WRONG TO TORTURE INNOCENT PEOPLE! ONLY _LEGAL_ ETHICS DO! THIS IS WHY LAWYERS ARE MORALLY SUPERIOR TO HUMANS! -- K. Why torture doesn't work: The Japanese have all those game shows featuring torture, and yet Japanese game shows have never prevented even one terrorist attack! So I won't believe in torture as a productive counterterrorist tool until some guy confesses he would have blown up the White House if SpikeTV hadn't been showing a badly-dubbed rerun of "Takeshi's Castle". Also, I don't think torturing people is going to make terrorists start liking us. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What color nerd are you? Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 01:10:47 -0400 "Star Wars" fans are now dividing themselves up by degree of geekiness in a whole new way... [news.yahoo.com] -> -> [...] -> -> The devotees camped outside the Chinese Theater on Hollywood -> Boulevard have divided themselves into three different categories: -> red, green and blue. I can't wait to see this new "Star Wars" version of the rainbow pride flag. However, since I embrace the dark side, I'd want a solid black flag. Plus it would kill bugs dead. -> For fear of ruining the suspense, the reds have assiduously avoided -> any advance information about what happens in "Sith," while the -> greens have grabbed and processed every scrap and snippet they can -> lay their hands on. I heard you can get booted out of the red line if you know that Anakin Skywalker turns out to be Darth Vader, or if you've seen the "fourth" movie before "Episode III" comes out. -> The moderate blues, meanwhile, claim an affinity with both factions. Since I'm black, I'm the guy who will be sitting in the back row with a camcorder so that I can then digitally paste in Wil Wheaton's head over Hayden Christensen's before being the first one to post a pirate copy to the Internet so that about 50,000,000 nerds will forever have their brains soiled by the sight of Darth Wesley. -> "I am very red," 24-year-old Sarah Allen declared proudly. "I want -> suprises -- the more surprises, the better." Surprise, you're a dweeb! -> "Imagine someone organises a party for you with fabulous things, ... -> food, people, entertainment," Allen said. "What if you didn't know -> anything about it? Wouldn't that be better?" Depends. What if you worked yourself into an insane frenzy of delusionally high expectations and then the party turned out to star Jar Jar Binks? WHOOPSIE, YOUSA SO DISAPPOINTY!!! -- K. EESA PEOPLE GONNA BE REFUNDED? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 01:42:34 -0400 Hey Clans, If you want to be a bad guy, why not wrestle as "Bar Bar Jinks"? It would be easy because you'd just have to be clumsy and wear a dopey-looking rubber mask. Of course it would be demeaning to keep shrieking stuff like "MEESA SO SCARED, BAR BAR MAKE TWO TWO IN MY TU TU!" Oh, and you'd have to wear a tutu. Just so that the three people who respect the real Jar Jar Binks would still think you were crazy. Speaking of crazy, "mad scientist" is another good image for an evil wrestler. And thanks to sci.physics, you'd never run out of material to yell at people you're hurting. You would be the only wrestler with Einstein hair! You would draw strength from your hair, and your strength would make you smart, and you would use your smarts to invent the world's first septuple suplex! To be a good guy but still hurt people, there's always Kiefer Sutherland from "24". You'd be sitting on some guy and twisting his leg into a pretzel while yelling "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS! TELL ME NOW!" An idea that's neither good nor evil: You could be one of those people from "Uzumaki" who becomes obsessed with spirals. You'd have to make some giant curls in your hair. And speak Japanese. And still not make any sense. You could wrestle as Frankenstein, or the Wolfman, or the Mummy. The Mummy would be best because all those bandages would keep you from getting rope rash. Also they would serve the same function as Andy Kaufman's duct tape. You could combine the two and be a guy covered head to foot in duct tape! The Silver Stickyman! And the best part is, you'd be wedgieproof! Also there was that one old Italian sci-fi movie where the leader of the bad guys has his face made up to look like a peanut and his costume was a cardboard box with no arm holes. How about a plastic suit covered in poison ivy leaves? Has there ever been a drag queen pro wrestler? You could wear a skimpy bikini and keep asking why there wasn't any mud. And for some reason people would find it grosser when you sat on someone's face if you were wearing drag. I think you should use _all_ my ideas and be the entire wrestling league! You could be the Len Cella of pro wrestling! We'll film you against bluescreen, then you could change identities and play the other part and we'd superimpose them. You wear the costumes, I'll write the scripts -- I could make a fortune without having to hurt anyone myself! -- K. Plus we could always pad the match out by splicing in stock footage from Japanese game shows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 01:59:47 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > [old review of a documentary on wrestling] > > Even though it had all the violent wrestling scenes in it, this doco was > actually one of the most entertaining I have seen at the festival which > is strange as I am normally not into wrestling. You prefer to just tie 'em up and leave 'em be, eh? -- K. How large is your collection? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 14:57:29 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > [old review of a documentary on wrestling] > > > > > > Even though it had all the violent wrestling scenes in it, this doco > > > was actually one of the most entertaining I have seen at the > > > festival which is strange as I am normally not into wrestling. > > > > You prefer to just tie 'em up and leave 'em be, eh? > > GIVE IT A REST WILL YA? My boy, if you can't stand some light teasing, you shouldn't tell the entire Internet whenever you apply for a job at a dungeon-equipment store. The Internet is interactive, and it's made of electricity, and electricity can zing. Some of us don't advertise it EVERY time we apply for one of those jobs. Like I said, sometimes I'm amazed to find that I'm one of the people here who _does_ have an internal censor. And a _private_ part of my life. And probably not even as many whips as you! I am now envisioning you holding a riding crop and pleading "GIVE IT A REST WILL YA?" while your "pure sub" date is kneeling before you, giggling. To say nothing of what your _second_ day on that job would have been like. -- K. Note to self: Don't let Tim work in my imaginary supermarket, either. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 04:56:52 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My boy, if you can't stand some light teasing, you shouldn't tell the > > entire Internet whenever you apply for a job at a dungeon-equipment > > store. The Internet is interactive, and it's made of electricity, and > > electricity can zing. > > Nothing of value is ever achieved without a great deal of pain, I learnt > this today in a book I am reading, but I have suspected it for a while. You haven't actually learned anything if you've just _read_ about pain. (Ask any pro wrestler.) And note that, although things of value must be achieved through pain, the book didn't say whose. In addition, to achieve the required Great Deal Of Pain, you can use a two-for-one coupon. On sale this week at Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket: Beets! Squash! Hydrox! And with coupon, buy one Pot Pie Of Pain, get the second free! WARNING: POT PIE OF PAIN MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF FOOD. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WET PANTS OR OTHER INSTANTANEOUS SOILAGE. COUPON MAY NOT BE COMBINED WITH HAPPINESS. PAIN IS NOT RETURNABLE. POT PIE OF PAIN IS EQUIPPED WITH OKRA DENTATA. READING MICROSCOPIC DISCLAIMERS ON COUPON MAY CAUSE PAPER CUTS ON EYEBALLS. > Also learned the word "Ubermensch" which I will try to use in > conversation more often. I prefer Bizarro. Him am strong! Him look like Tim Kazurinsky wearing cardboard cutout of own head! Him move David Letterman from morning show to late-night show where he certain to get even lower ratings! Here, have too much money! Be sure also to learn other useful German words, such as "Schadenfreude", "Weltschmerz", "Clinesterton Beademungen", and "Gummikrankenhydrox". .K -- Hello. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 19:05:19 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My boy, if you can't stand some light teasing, you shouldn't tell the > > entire Internet whenever you apply for a job at a dungeon-equipment > > store. The Internet is interactive, and it's made of electricity, and > > electricity can zing. > > That depends, unless you WANT me to send you "The World Encyclopedia of > Cheese", a life sized Jar Jar full of Cheese Wiz and. a lifetime > subscription to the cheese of the millisecond club. So what you're saying is that whatever you will do depends on what I want, meaning that all your future actions are controlled by me? I'm sorry, but no matter how much you want me to dominate you, I'm not interested. Maybe you can find a nice dominatrix who will let you scrub her floors with a toothbrush. Or pledge a fraternity -- same thing, but dirtier, so you'll have to scrub harder to make it sparkle. > fdsgkljglkresmnfdlx,c. Wrong. Type it again, and this time get it right. -- K. Either that, or install PawSense. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 21:38:48 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Maybe you can find a nice dominatrix who will let you > > scrub her floors with a toothbrush. > > That'd cost $250 for the hour and that's at a cheap place. I wouldn't know. You're the expert in such matters, pervert. Also, it would have to be an awfully small place if you could finish toothbrushing the floor in only one hour. > I don't earn the high salary required to attend those sort of > establishments regulalry. We know, we saw you applying for the employee discount. -- K. Gotta go, my bratwurst is smoking. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 22:04:06 -0400 Half an hour ago, I wrote: > > Gotta go, my bratwurst is smoking. All done. Mmm. They swelled up real big and exploded and got all crispy on the outside. Any bigger and they wouldn't have fit on the hot dog buns. (Boston-style, just to be perverse, even though Boston-style buns don't really work unless you turn them sideways like normal ones. I guess I bought them because we always had Boston-style ones when I was growing up, because I grew up in New York.) These were some of those bratwurst that are eerily white all the way through. After burning, they're only black on the outside, they're still the color of mayonnaise inside. Pork isn't just "The Other White Meat", it's The Disturbingly White Meat. I would've put hot pepper sauce and a little raspberry jam on them but they swelled up so big I couldn't fit any toppings on them once they were in the normal-size buns. Is that what you wanted to know? -- K. Hey Clans, "Burnt Bratwurst" is another good name for the first black Vanilla Ice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 18:38:41 -0400 Madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Note to self: Don't let Tim work in my imaginary supermarket, either. > > Get the cleanup crew over to Isle six. He lives in Australia, which is Aisle Six. The seventh and final island is Antarctica. (Greenland and Iceland don't count as islands, because they're just peninsulas, and anyone can see by looking at any map that they're really tiny, even smaller than Australia.) I apologize for not keeping everyone up to date on what the specials are at Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, so here are this week's: FACTORY SECONDS CANDY BLOWOUT! HEADLESS CHOCOLATE BUNNIES HALF OFF DEFECTIVE MALLOWMARS (AIR INSIDE) 59c REJECTED NOUGAT IN BULK BUY SOME GET SOME FREE "THAT'S NOT CANDY" MYSTERY GOO 3 FOR $1 EDIBLE UNDERPANTS (RETURNED) 79c FREE WITH EVERY PURCHASE: COTTON CANDY THAT TURNED BLACK THIS WEEK ONLY -- CLEANUP IN AISLE SIX! SHOP IN THIS WEEK'S CLEAN AISLE WHILE YOU WAIT FOR US TO PEEL THE GRIME OFF THE WATERMELONS! WE SELDOM CLEAN AND PASS THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU! WATERMELONS TO BE CLEANED THIS FALL -- K. And tomorrow is Reverse Coupon Day, where every coupon leaves your bill unchanged but raises the cost of someone else's groceries! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 17:25:05 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed. > > I'm guessing the fact that your self-pity shtick amuses me did not > exactly cheer you up, eh? Okay, let me add that to my list: I'm one of the few here who has an internal censor, _and_ I'm not the meanest guy here. Anything else? -- K. Besides the fact that I have the best hair here? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 17:22:12 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > How come no one has wackyparsed this as wrestling for clams? Because we only wrestle for jellyfish filled with Smuckers raspberry, you smucker. With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be so obviously a funny name that it got zinged to death in the first season of a satirical TV show before it became lame and lingered on at least thirty years too long! > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Like I said, sometimes I'm amazed to find that I'm one of the people here > > who _does_ have an internal censor. And a _private_ part of my life. > > Not me. You nutwads are all I have. This means you get the extra > strength full-on extreme dose of Stacia every time you "click" on my > "posts". It also means I often consider slitting some major artery and > just getting it the hell over with. Whose? Lorne Michaels? > I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed. You got your Douglas Adams in my Lorne Michaels! And you got your Smuckers in my jellyfish! They're two great tastes that taste great together! No, they're a floor wax! No, they're a dessert topping! No, Who's on first, What's on second! ARRRRRRGH STOP IT KILL THEM ALL!!! -- K. Jellyfish taste like salted vinyl. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 21:34:54 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I'm weird that way, I'll slice my own wrists but wouldn't > > think of slicing someone else's. > > Despite what *Kibo* says, I'm only mean in self-defense. > Though I must admit I might slit a wrist in one situation -- > if someone really and truly, super-duper sincerely wanted > me to slice their wrists... Hello, my name is Kibo and I have super powers. You know the Blue Man Group? I am really and truly super-dee-duper and I want you to slice their wrists. > > Even if you all think it's funnier if I would. > > If I may, we think it's funnier only that you said we think > it's funnier if you would. But this is a.r.k, where "I don't get it!" means something's funny. So make me not get it and then I'll think it's funny. -- K. MY ZEPPELIN FELL IN THE TADPOOL! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More wrestling personae for Clans. Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 18:25:39 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > a funny name that it got zinged to death in the first season of a > > satirical TV show > > I know you weren't referencing "Laugh-In", but I've been watching > "Laugh-In" on Trio and I'm saddened to discover that it sucks. "Laugh-In" is best appreciated either (a) stoned or (b) ironically. It's in some weird extreme corner of the Nolan graph where it becomes hilarious if you either chemically damage your brain into a childlike state, or are so snooty that you are laughing at just how terrible it is. This is why we need them to release the complete run of "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" on DVD. Also the only episode they ever aired of "Turn-On". "Hee-Haw" is a little more of a puzzle, since it seems to have been intended somewhat ironically by its producers, as indicated by the occasional reaction shot of the hound dog not reacting to the non-joke, and the pivotal role played by illiterate idiot Junior Samples. Also note that enjoying something "ironically" is a misuse of the word "ironically", AND THIS POINT OF LINGUISTICS IS LITERALLY DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!! > Also, the dead guy is suspiciously tan. Maybe you should switch to "The Electric Company", which is the same show except they had Morgan Freeman (as Easy Reader, Dracula, and so on) and Bill Cosby (as the guy who makes Morgan Freeman crack up during that boxing sketch because he can't hold up the phonics cards while wearing boxing gloves.) Because it was a Children's Television Worshop production (initially filmed in Harlem) it features people who have actual skin color, as well as super-funkay music! > > Whose [wrists will you slit]? > > You're the second person who's said that. Do people really think I'm > out to hurt others for fun and profit? Not necessarily, but we're trying to hedge our bets in case you turn up in the newspaper's True Crime section for being the first person to make a billion dollars by poking people with a pointed stick. > [...] I'm weird that way, I'll slice my own wrists but wouldn't think > of slicing someone else's. Even if you all think it's funnier if I would. The fundamental principle of comedy is repetition, and so it's funnier if you slice up other people because then you'll live to do it again, because the fundamntal principle of comedy is repetition. Also, we don't want you to die. We may hurt other people for fun and profit, but if you died we couldn't make any more money off you. You know we like you, right? Otherwise we'd make fun of you for trying to enjoy "Laugh-In". Last time I felt unhappy I found a Web site that had six months' worth of "Love Is..." cartoons and went through them all trying to think of the nastiest captions I could think of for them, but wound up getting cheered up by discovering just how easy "Love Is..." makes it to write mean captions. It's hard _not_ to. Especially when the original captions are things like "...thinking of him in boot camp." and "...lapping it up." -- K. P.S.: POKE POKE POKE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It Stinks! Date: Tue, 17 May 2005 17:15:35 -0400 Joe Manfre used tongs to pass me this stinky press release: [www.thecosmeticsite.com] -> -> Crown Holdings partners with ScentSational Technologies -> -> Crown Holdings, Inc. announced a strategic partnership with -> ScentSational Technologies to manufacture product packaging -> employing ScentSational's patented and proprietary CompelAroma(R) -> technologies. "I'll be darned! The poison's in the packaging!" -- Gil Gerard (speaking to the camera during a pause in a fight scene because the writers forgot to give him any gay robots to talk to) "CompelAroma(R)" is the sort of name you'd think Michael Kandel would make up when translating Stanislaw Lem's "The Futurological Congrees" but apparently they think "CompelAroma(R)" is a good trademark, not a wacky think from a dystopian satire. Other rejected names: Odoroma, Stinkaptivate, Propagaroma, Stenchewy, Sniffab, Smellifluous, Whiffart. -> ScentSational's CompelAroma Encapsulated Aroma Release technology -> adds specially engineered, FDA approved, food grade flavors within -> the structure of plastic packaging components at the time of -> manufacturing. The technology enhances the aroma and taste of foods -> and beverages, developing and delivering signature aromas to build a -> more memorable relationship between the consumer and the brand. -> CompelAromas may be released at point of purchase, package opening, -> product preparation or consumption. In other words, it's a way they can add artificial flavor to food without having to list it on the ingredients of the "all-natural" food, the same way they hide the preservatives in the cereal wrapper so that your cereal won't have to disclose the presence of maggot repellent. -> "Crown is pleased to help deliver this exciting technology to the -> marketplace," says Daniel Abramowicz, executive vice president, -> technology and regulatory affairs of Crown Holdings, Inc., and -> president of CROWN Packaging Technology. "Delivering Brand-Building -> Packaging(TM) to our customers is at the heart of everything we do -> at Crown. Incorporating aromas into packaging is part of this -> initiative, helping consumer products companies differentiate their -> products, strengthen brand loyalty and increase turnover at -> point-of-sale." "Increase turnover at point-of-sale", translated literally, means "make people run away from the shelf." -> "We are delighted to be working with Crown," says Barry Edelstein, -> president and CEO of ScentSational Technologies. "With over one -> hundred years of experience, Crown -- the company that invented the -> bottle cap -- THOSE BASTARDS!!! -> delivers the advanced packaging and materials engineering that -> allow brand owners to quickly integrate CompelAroma into their -> product packaging. We are also very excited about exploring new -> possibilities of deploying CompelAroma into new packaging formats." Look, wipe off your hands and calm down, what you're claiming you just invented is "perfume". Did you also just invent the bottle cap ninety-nine years after everyone else did? -- K. "Daddy, what did naturally- occurring cardboard smell like?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Synesthesia? was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 17:47:27 -0400 [on synaestheticially interpreting "Tubular Bells"] Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Each gong on a bell would be a distinct vibrating circle, > kinda like a ripple in a pond that only gets so big then > gets smaller again. It would probably have color, maybe > oranges for low and yellow for high notes. > > Music runs right to left for some reason. Maybe that's > why I'm such a clutz -- I'm going the WRONG WAY DAMBIT! > Any-who, hitting one bell at a time would look something > like the below, with each being where a rippling out and > in circle would be. > ^ Pitch > o | > o o o o o | > o o o o o o o | > o o o o | > o o | > <---- Time/Distance > > If there were other instruments, their shapes would be > superimposed. Height is more or less pitch, and the > left-right movement is at a speed according to the beat. So, in other words, you see a player piano roll. When you listen to a player piano do you see pictures of bells, or stock footage from "The Exorcist"? > [...] > > The more pleasing the sound, the more likely they are to > have color. The exception is really tinny high pitched > stuff which is a bright white light. Hmmm, it's not much > that the shape has color, the shape is emitting a color > like a neon light. The brightness/glow is proportional to > volume. > > Drums and bass are sorta of like dark footprints at the > bottom, stepping along in time. I have only vague touches of synaesthesia. There are certain pieces of music that cause everything to get blurry and murky, as if the sound is filling the environment with fog. I've spoken to "strong" synaesthetes who have described more intense versions of that where certain sounds make it impossible to see at all ("opaque" sounds) or even to move (some things sound like concrete.) It's pretty rare for me to have that "fog" reaction, it's only happened a few times. More generally, well, you know how the sound of fingernails on a blackboard makes most people cringe in an incredibly intense unpleasant way which doesn't feel like ordinary somatic pain but is still intolerable? (Migraines are like that, too -- not exactly pain of any sort that's similar to bodily injury, but still agonizing in some parallel way.) Well, most music with singing causes me to have that same cringe reaction. It's very powerful. Thus, most pop music to me is about as enjoyable (or as comprehensible) as a migraine. If it's not loud, I can just ignore it, but if it's loud and poorly-sung, it's agony. Depends on the volume and the stridency of the singer. I don't know if this interpretation of most music as something very, very, very, very irritating is a form of synaesthesia. Most synaesthetes perceive senses as other senses -- i.e. they can see or touch or taste the music -- but my reaction of "this is unpleasant in the extreme" doesn't have any relation to any normal sensory perception, except that similar feeling of nondescript make-this-stop-now-please-please-please awfulness during a migraine. It's not pain, it's something worse than pain. (Of course different people experience migraines differently, so I can't really explain my sensation beyond "it's like pain but it's very different from pain and it's more unpleasant." Fingernails on the blackboard is the only analog I can think of that most people would comprehend.) I believe the limited appreciation I do have of music (and mainly of instrumental music) has a visual basis, as the only music I've ever wanted to listen to has been instrumental soundtracks from TV and movies, or things I've already seen the music videos for. In other words, I have to be able to recall the visual imagery associated with the music in order for it to be music instead of noise. ("Yellow Submarine" is one of my favorite movies, and thus I can enjoy those songs independently of the movie.) But I don't "see" the music the way "real" synaesthetes do. I just seem to only be able to process it by getting the visual parts of my brain engaged in the battle, through remembering other sensations that are consciously associated with hearing the music. I have never quite been able to figure out exactly what my musical deficiencies are -- I have something like tone-deafness, but it's not really what most people think of as tone-deafness, as I can tell when something is off-key, though I still can't tell you whether a note is an A or a C. If you play two notes, I can usually tell you when the second one is higher or lower than the first, but if you were to play A-C-B or B-C-A I would have no clue whether the third note was higher or lower than the first -- apparently I can only determine pitch relative to the adjacent pitch. And the rules change for things coming out of a human larynx as opposed to a musical instrument. It's just plain weird, and it's impossible to convince some people I really just don't like, or understand, or want to listen to music. How do you explain to people "most but not all music causes suffering and I don't have time to explain the detailed rules about which rare circumstances make it possible for me to listen to a very few pieces of music" without them thinking you're just insane? So I usually just wince along with whatever's on the radio if it's not in a situation where I can just ask them to turn it off. -- K. Next question: WHY do fingernails on a blackboard cause that agony in people? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Synesthesia? was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 17:05:58 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > Plus I think Kibo was exorcising his right to allude > > to a literal alliteration. > > Now you're making _me_ dizzy. > > Whatever, and from his reply he didn't notice I was having an > ObviousMan Moment. SIGH. When is it going to sink in? EVERYTHING I SAY IS SOMETHING I SAID ON PURPOSE. I'm not just typing letters in a row by accident, you know. I NOTICE ALL!!! > [...] > > Life is a comedy; the secret to both comedy and life is timing. > > Mark L. Fergerson > > PS now all I gotta do is figure out who my Straight Man is Maybe you can recruit someone. How about Charles Nelson Reilly? EXPLANATION FOR THE VERY SLOW: SEE, YOU COULDN'T "RECRUIT" SOMEONE WHO WAS ALREADY STRAIGHT, AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO BE AT LEAST SLIGHTLY GAY, AND GAY IS NOT THE SAME AS STRAIGHT. -- K. ryugwebjhjjke sdfjkkfhkje trkljrlek nfkldjfl hffkhg ngettamtamd ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Synesthesia? was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 15:45:18 -0400 [still discussing the synaesthetic impressions of "Tubular Bells"] Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > When you listen to a player piano do you see pictures of bells, > > > or stock footage from "The Exorcist"? > > > > Pianos make things like bullet holes, and sometimes very > > pleasant buckshot patterns. They can also be klunky and > > ugly. Carnival style is like fingernails on a blackboard, > > one of many sounds that can either reduce me to a quivering > > pile of goo or make me throw the person through the wall. > > I notice you were nice enough not to point out that "Te Exorcist" > music _was_ Tubular Bells. Well, I'm not that damn nice. > > Hey Kibo: "Te Exorcist" music _was_ Tubular Bells! The thread so far: 1. Otto talks about "Tubular Bells". 2. Kibo mentions "The Exorcist", because "The Exorcist" uses one of the "Tubular Bells" pieces. 3. Mark says "DUH DUH DUH DUH HEY KIBO I BET YOU ONLY DELIBERATELY MADE THAT HIGHLY SPECIFIC REFERENCE BY ACCIDENT DUH DUH DUH." > Remember the piano on the Charlie Brown cartoons, where it seemed > like the piano player had too many fingers or maybe there were two > pianos slightly out of synch or thirdly maybe it was played by a > honky-tonk pianist on phenobarbs? I'm sorry, I can't let you dictate what I remember when because right now I'm busy thinking of a way to mention the Vince Guaraldi Trio just so you can say "DUH DUH DUH HEY KIBO I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT THE VINCE GUARALDI TRIO IS ACTUALLY CONNECTED TO THE 'PEANUTS' CARTOONS IN SOME WAY! ALSO THE CARTOONS AREN'T REAL!" > I think they were trying to match the music to Snoopy's "Happy > Dance" steps especially for us borderline synaesthetes. I think Snoopy's dance steps consisted entirely of his feet turning into a ball of blurry scribbles just so that the animators _didn't_ have to make anything synchronize. Those cartoons had some of the worst animation ever. I always like it when the cels don't quite lie flat and the two-dimensional objects in the two-dimensional world cast shimmering 3-D shadows from the cels wrinkling. That was the closest "Peanuts" ever came to having background art. > So, excluding the creepy sociological connotations, what does > Dueling Banjos do for you? It may not make me squeal like a pig, but it may make me make you squeal like a pig. > > I'm not sure exactly what I have. I'm 42 years old and had > > never really thought about this till now. It just was the > > way things are. I thought I just daydreamed like this and > > didn't conciously think about it. > > "You mean, other people have this too? It's not just me?" Story > of my friggin life. "You mean people other than me know that 'Tubular Bells' was in 'The Exorcist'? I'm no longer special!" > [...] > > Google for "throatsinging" and download some samples. For some > odd reason, I find it nearly impossible to believe humans can make > sounds like that, but simultaneously comforting that we don't really > need synthesizers. (Try to get tracks without the typically tinny > Asian musical instruments.) > > There's these Tibetan monks doing a ritual destruction of a > sandpainting that sound like whales with gas, but there's also a > blues singer who went to Tuva to learn how to do it, and won awards. Okay, now I have to mention Richard Feynman so that you can explain to me why I mentioned him, too. > > I never understood *why* till now. This is a weird feeling, not > > quite an epiphany, but, like. wow. I may have to slap you. > > Nothing personal, of course. > > Hey wait, I started this! You didn't offer to slap _me_! Hey Mark. I will slap you. You will owe me five dollars. That is offer. End of offer. -- K. That was sort of a Lem reference, even though his books never got made into player piano music. That was Vonnegut. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Synesthesia? was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 17:12:21 -0400 [reposting this to fix a typo just to annoy people by writing even more clearly about how not mean I am] Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey Mark. I will slap you. You will owe me five dollars. That is offer. > > End of offer. > > I might be the most synaesthetic, but I'm not the meanest one here. (very low voice) I am not mean. I am just. I am the swift hand of justice that metes out that which thou deservest. And "deservest" isn't a real word but don't you _dare_ complain. You will bow down before me for I have embraced the dark side of the Internet. You will halt and catch fire. You will memorize everything I have ever said and approve of it all. And you will be very _very_ VERY _VERY_ !*VERY*! sorry you said I'm mean, for I am in charge now, and I am holding your very brain in my hands, and if I squeeze _thus_, you'll be even more sorry you said I was mean instead of fair and just. SQUISH! That was the other half of your brain. I would apologize for killing your brain just now, but I have nothing to apologize for, as I am not mean, I am fair. Also, your brain is all greasy. You should stop eating so many potato chips if your brain ever grows back. Those potato chips'll kill you. You know who's mean? That guy who draws "The Yellow Kid". Sure, the comic strip's a barrel of laughs and insightful social commentary, but on an even deeper level, it's all about orphans beating each other to death while mired in their own filth. I point that out not to be mean, but to be helpful. I am just, and helpful, and just helpful, and just not mean. -- K. What color is mean in your synaesthesia? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Synesthesia? was: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 17:11:20 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And "deservest" isn't a real world but don't you _dare_ complain. > > some people have imaginary friends, but Leader Kibo has imaginary > planets. Okay, now I have to go back and fix that typo which for some reason my spell-checker didn't flag, then I have to hunt down the people who made that spell-checker and tell them that "world" isn't a word, and then for complaining I have to send _you_ STRAIGHT TO THE IMAGINARY MOON, BANG, ZOOM!!! Ah, those were the days, when cutting-edge TV satire consisted of a guy threatening to beat up his wife but not having the guts to actually do it. Sort of makes "All In The Family" seem tame by comparison. If they ever revive "The Honeymooners" for a ninth time, what will Ralph Kramden do instead of threatening to beat his wife? Threaten to erase the songs from her iPod? ALSO, MY IMAGINARY PLANET CAN BEAT UP YOUR IMAGINARY PLANET! -- K. Also, they couldn't make "The Honeymooners" poor in the new version, because people no longer like poverty. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What does "bupkis" really mean Date: Thu, 19 May 2005 17:12:07 -0400 twillis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > It's one of those things that seem obvious in retrospect: Kook-Gloves. > > [...] > > Anyway, the basic idea is this: The kook dons the gloves, and sits at > keyboard. He/she/it is inspired by a post, and starts typing at a > furious paste. > > The beauty of this, is that this is something that happens ANYWAY. But! > Now! With the special kook gloves, all that furious finger motion > energy can be captured and harnessed, thanks to special ratcheting > mechanisms in the knuckles. This energy can then be directed down a > standard DSL line, providing clean (well, almost), safe energy to power > the Internet! > > We still have to solve some problems. The transmission is kind of > lossy, andpretty erratic, as you might expect. We tried to increase > effciencies by using the heat to power an EZ-Bake Oven, but results > were mixed. > > Still, we are confident that thes are problems that can be overcome. We > propose "bupkis" as the standard unit of measurement. A bupkis is the > total amount of energy produced by 1 Archimedes Plutonium by 1 day > (before losses). But wait. I thought Kook-Gloves were something different. Spiky, electrified gloves _I_ can wear when poking kooks. They're rubber-lined for my comfort but they're covered with high-voltage corona discharges on the side that might touch any part of a nutty person. Hey, all crazyologists agree, electroshock therapy is always good all the time. There is a company in Taiwan currently making electrified mittens, but they're not a lot of fun because the instructions say they will only work if you use the included quack breast-enlargement goop, and I really don't feel like trying to make Archie a bigger boob. -- K. The best part of electrified gloves is that you can eat frozen finger food right out of the box and it cooks on its way to your mouth. And if it's fried chicken, afterwards it's zaptacularly finger-lickin' good YOW. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: "Local libraries find many books urine-stained"! Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 05:00:00 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) found this: > > [www.cleveland.com] > -> > -> Local libraries find many books urine-stained Does "books" refer exclusively to old-fashioned treeware, or does it also include audiobooks? And how do you urine-stain an eBook? Has Adobe released an Acrobat Reader plug-in that can show the stains? > -> John Horton > -> Plain Dealer Reporter > -> > -> Rows of urine-stained books have been found in two local libraries. Rows? I'd think due to the existence of gravity, the trickle-down theory would predict _columns_ of pee-soaked books. > -> Workers discovered the soiled volumes on the shelves of Aurora > -> Memorial Library in Portage County and Geauga West Library in > -> Chester Township. Hundreds of books -- collectively valued at > -> several thousand dollars -- had to be discarded, officials said. Why didn't they just wash them? > -> Police in both communities are investigating. > -> > -> "I can't even believe we're discussing something like this," said > -> Linda Yanko, manager at Geauga West. "It's appalling and disgusting." Hey, that's nothing. I've seen the men's room at the Boston Public Library. You know how the floors in movie theaters are sticky? Well, in certain library restrooms, even the air is sticky. Sometimes you have to just blindly grope your way through the goopy, sticky air until you bumble into a wall and stagger out with the reverse imprint of a graffito saying "D.S. HEARTS B.M." transferred onto your forehead. And the glass-walled Rare Book Room? I heard that once it was filled with urine all the way up to the ceiling before they remembered to flush it. YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!!! > -> The problems at Geauga West started in January, Yanko said. About > -> once a month since then, staff members have stumbled upon newly > -> soiled areas within the collection. The most recent find occurred > -> this week. There's no pattern to the vandalism. Maybe the library should consider making a rule saying "Do not urinate on the books." > -> Aurora's troubles began more than two years ago. Defiled books > -> have been found sporadically ever since, said Pamela Hickson- > -> Stevenson, director of the Portage County District Library. Here's an idea: The library could get rid of all their books except Abbie Hoffman's "URINATE ON THIS BOOK", and just to be a contrarian the urinator wouldn't go near it. Hey... Wait a minute... If the urinator is a contrarian... Which rhymes with "librarian"... Then we can just summon Letterman to rip the letters "lib" off his varsity sweater, turning the contrarian into a librarian! That'll solve the problem, and also give the library's evil overlords another slave to staff the reference desk and ensure all the computers crash too frequently for people to be able to look at porn! > -> The two libraries are about 13 miles apart. Officials said they do > -> not know whether the incidents are related. Worst "CSI" episode ever. William Peterson spends eighty million dollars building a full-scale replica of the library to see what happens when he pees on it. Also most of the episode consists of him attempting to dust a urine puddle for fingerprints. And all the librarians are dominatrixes. -- K. The big plot twist is that eventually a test shows it's zebra urine, then they use whirling 3-D computer graphics to look up a list of all zoos that have zebras and only one zoo has a zebra that can read, and the zebra says he did it because he was sick of being last in all those alphabet books. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: "Local libraries find many books urine-stained"! Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 06:22:25 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> "I can't even believe we're discussing something like this," > > -> said Linda Yanko, manager at Geauga West. "It's appalling > > -> and disgusting." > > > > Hey, that's nothing. I've seen the men's room at the Boston Public > > Library. > > Why doesn't Don S complaint about this? I think he's scared to go in the men's room. 'Cause, you know, the Library Monster lives in the Boston Public Library sewer system. And it only comes out when your first name is an anagram of "Node" if silent "e" doesn't count as a real letter. I know this because I read it in a book, or on the Internet, which is the same thing. I haven't been in the BPL men's room in a few years. I wonder whether the stalls have doors this year. I like privacy when I'm trying to flush the last page of every murder mystery. > > Maybe the library should consider making a rule saying "Do not urinate > > on the books." > > I think this should be a universal library rule. Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library does indeed have that rule, as well as every other rule, including every rule which contradicts any other rule, and even including the rule that makes the Universe explode when you read it. The Universal Library not only contains its own index (as well as every possible defective, incomplete, or misleading index) it also contains this article, as well as every article better than this one, and all three articles worse than this one. The Nazis tried to burn the Universal Library but they didn't have enough kerosene to get past "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABWALAX" in the index, which is the only reason why there are no longer any books whose titles start with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABWALAX". > > Here's an idea: The library could get rid of all their books except > > Abbie Hoffman's "URINATE ON THIS BOOK", and just to be a contrarian > > the urinator wouldn't go near it. > > Didn't he write a book called "Steal this Urine Test"? Sigh. Some days I just don't know why I try. See, I would have called it "PISS ON THIS BOOK" because everyone loves titles with "P" in them, except that he had used "Urine" in a title so I had to go along with the flow and steal his "URINATE". Surely I'm allowed to steal the title of "Steal This Urine Test", which incidentally, wasn't a urine test at all. Wouldn't fit into that little cup no matter how hard I crumpled the pages. Also my title was better because it had more capital letters. The Universal Library includes some with 500,000,000,000 more capital letters, including quintillions of titles with every possible use of the phrase "STEAL THIS COPPER-DIPPED NOUGATINE ZEPPELIN" in a title for a book of reviews of the 79th season of "Happy Days", when Fonzie was made of bubble gum. If you can imagine it -- or even if you can't -- the Universal Library will have more than you want to read about it. In fact, it even contains a description of you enjoying reading the entire Universal Library, as well as a description of you dying of boredom while attempting to find your name in the Universal Library. At the end of that season of "Happy Days", Fonzie got his Universal Library Card. It was blue. Then he died of boredom. The show was cancelled 4,837 years after that, according to something I read on the last page of the Universal Library. -- K. Hey, who peed on my Universal Library? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,ne.politics,nyc.general,nyc.politics Subject: Re: blogged by porr.rou at gmail.com I should have known what was coming when heard his secretary quip, "Be nice this time." Followup-To: alt.fan.head-librarian Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 05:12:33 -0400 In alt.religion.kibology, ne.politics, nyc.general, and nyc.politics, dsaklad@zurich.csail.mit.edu wrote: > > > [...much mangle-formatted stuff pasted in verbatim from some Web site...] > > > Post a comment > > Name: > ____________________ > > Email Address: > ____________________ > > URL: > ____________________ > > [_] Remember personal info? > > Comments: > > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ > __________________________________________________ Gee, that was useful. Don, I have some comments about your editorial skills, but there's no room for them because the comment field is filled with wall-to-wall underscores. Wassamatta, they won't let you have anything as sharp as a "Cut" command? -- K. Now here, write some comments about what a genius I am: +----------------------------+ |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| |"KIBO IS A GENIUS" GOES HERE| +----------------------------+ THIS SPACE NOT FOR WRITING "KIBO HAS FLEAS" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Irate "Star Wars" fans _almost_ riot, that is, they get sorta cranky Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 16:30:44 -0400 Over in a suburb of Cincinnati named "Kentucky" a "Star Wars" screening was marred by near-violence -- dammit, I wanted violence: [www.theforce.net] -> -> [...] -> -> However, as soon as the lights went down and the AMC advertisement -> was displayed the film rolled so that the bottom half of the film -> was at the top of the screen and the top half was at the bottom of -> the screen. The crowd was very unhappy, one person covering up the -> projector window so that we would not see the movie incorrectly. "Seeing 'Star Wars' incorrectly" also happens to be slang for "not being stoned out of your mind". -> The error lasted through the opening crawl and a couple of minutes -> into the space battle at the beginning of the movie. The crowd -> seemed on the verge of riot, Juicing themselves up by puffing on their asthma inhalers, cleaning their glasses, getting spontaneous nosebleeds, etc. -> and two policemen came in to accompany the manager who nearly -> pulled a guy out who was screaming obscenities. POOR JAR JAR! -> As the manager left, I stopped him and asked if they were able to -> restart the movie and he told me that was not possible due to the -> way the projectors work. They use Bob Barker's patented "Range Finder" technology. Once "Star Wars" stops, it cannot be restarted for 48 hours or the Death Star will become real and kill us all! -> He apologized profusely, and said that they would have free -> passes to give out after the movie was over. Following the movie, -> people were positioned at the exits distributing the passes. Sadly, the passes were for a screening of "Bloated Dead Dog: The Special Edition". In other news, Boston's Museum of Science had to choose between having an exhibit celebrating genius pervert Ben Franklin's 300th birthday and en exhibit about how "Star Wars" is real. You can guess which they went with, given that they already had an exhibit about how "Star Trek" is real and another about how "The Lord Of The Rings" is real: [www.theksbwchannel.com] => => The $6 million exhibit was to showcase the Founding Father's => contributions to science and government. What, nothing about him inventing the protection racket, the harmonica, tofu, french fries, the Venus Butterfly, and the Violet Wand? Nothing about his infamous "air baths" which required horrified people in powdered wigs to see his weenie like the final shot of "A Clockwork Orange" except without the chick? Nothing about him being the only President so perverse that all records of him ever having been President have been erased, with the only remaining evidence being that his picture wasn't taken off our money because it's illegal to destroy money? => Instead, the museum said it will hold the premiere of the => "Star Wars" exhibit -- which is billed as a look into the => real science behind the fiction of the movies. "Are space aliens really as obnoxious as Jar Jar? Press the button to find out. Warning: Once Jar Jar is started, he cannot be stopped for 48 hours." -- K. I can't wait for them to get around to "The Science Of 'Battlefield Baseball'". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Irate "Star Wars" fans _almost_ riot, that is, they get sorta cranky Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 21:03:49 -0400 Another "Star Wars" screwup leading to people's lives being ruined. [www.9news.com] -> -> Reel mix up leaves N.J. Star Wars fans watching Japanese version -> -> posted by: Dan Werner Web producer -> -> EATONTOWN, N.J. (AP) -- "Star Wars: Episode Three -- Revenge of the -> Sith" got lost in translation for some fans at a movie theater in -> New Jersey. However, "Lost In Translation" was much improved when Bill Murray took out a lightsaber and eviscerated hundreds of robot ninja Yakuza who were armed with futuristic glow-in-the-dark pellet guns. -> It seems there was a reel mix up and, at some point in the film, -> Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi started to speak Japanese. And worse, in the theater next door, Takeshi Kitano started to speak clearly. And a geyser of red blood sprayed _into_ someone's neck. -> People at the Loews Cineplex at Monmouth Mall in Eatontown -> chanted, "stop the movie, stop the movie" during Wednesday's -> midnight premiere. ...then they got louder once the movie switched to Japanese. -> The lights came on and the manager told the audience that the -> movie would not continue. I'm sure the fans could just act out the rest of it themselves. -> Loews marketing senior vice president John McCauley tells the -> Asbury Park Press the audience was offered the choice of squeezing -> into other theaters, getting a pass for another showing or -> receiving a refund. Little did they know that George Lucas did this on purpose. After all, since Jar Jar was killed by that crossbow in the previous movie, this was the only way he could think of to make the movie more annoying. "I really liked 'Schizopolis'," he said ninety-eight times in Turkish upside-down and backwards. -> It's not known how the Japanese version was spliced in. Scientists have yet to understand how razor blades and glue may be combined to make a splice. -- K. I heard that most prints of the new "Star Wars" movie have a reel of Shatner speaking Esperanto. The one I just posted on Napster sure does. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Irate "Star Wars" fans _almost_ riot, that is, they get sorta cranky Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 21:46:44 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Kibo will probably make fun of me for this, but [...] You know, once you say "Kibo will probably make fun of me for this," it really doesn't matter what you put after it. It's the Internet's official "KICK ME HARDER" sign. > I thought the "Star Wars Porn" skit they did on Conan O'Brien last > week was one of the best things I have seen on the show. You mean week before last. Remember, the United States is in a time zone one week ahead of Australia. Unless you mean the 3:35am showing that has the first half of the monologue missing, in which case you get the same episodes we do. (It's on twice a night -- they show week-old ones from 3:35 to 4:30 when the morning news begins, but instead of cutting off the last five minutes of music and credits, they cut the first five minutes.) If you're watching those episodes that are missing the first five minutes, you haven't been getting to see Joel "warm up" the audience. He's getting better with that whip. Hardly takes any eyes out any more. -- K. And notice I did _not_ make fun of you for that. However, I shall now make fun of you for being afraid I would make fun of you, you fraidylemur. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Another stupid kid gets stuck in a vending machine Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 16:55:23 -0400 Didn't this happen to another kid about a year ago? There should be a special club just for these kids. [www.wndu.com] -> -> Toddler rescued from toy vending machine -> -> Story filed by NewsCenter16 Reporter -> Robert Borrelli -> -> Elkhart, IN -- An early morning shopping trip left an Elkhart -> toddler caught in an unusual situation: inside a vending machine. Could have been worse. Could have been a spanking machine! -> With his sleep schedule thrown off by cold medicine, 3-year-old -> James was awake at 3:30 Thursday morning, so he and his mom went -> to the Elkhart Wal-Mart. On their way out, James wanted a toy -> from what is commonly known as the claw machine. And I imagine this toddler hopped up on Sudafed bouncing off the walls screaming "I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT" 'cause, you know, when you're 3, Sudafed works like caffeinated crystal meth. -> James' mother tried to get a toy out of the machine, but when the -> toy didn't come out, James decided to go in. -> -> "He climbed up the chute and into the bin," says mom Danielle -> Manges. "He was playing with all the toys and hanging from the -> bar like a monkey." -> -> Danielle laughed at first Now that's a mean mom. I'm picturing her as Nelson Muntz. "HAW HAW! STOP ENDANGERING YOURSELF! STOP ENDANGERING YOURSELF!" -> but when Wal-Mart employees couldn't find a key to the machine, -> she called the fire department. -> -> Anthony Coleman of the Elkhart Fire Department said, "I expected -> his hand to be caught in the machine but it was his entire body in -> the machine. It was a toy machine and he was actually in there and -> enjoying himself." -> -> Danielle bought a camera and took pictures of James and his -> rescuers. Ah, so this is all a scam by Wal-Mart to sell more cameras. And kidnap your toddlers and sell them, too. See: http://www.wndu.com/news/pics/pic_42319.jpg mirrorized at http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_claw_machine_kid.jpg -> Using some tools, they had James free in about 10 minutes. -> James' mother says he definitely didn't get a toy after -> his little stunt. Must not be very bright if he was in there for ten minutes and still didn't think of grabbing one. -> "I pulled him from the back, he came right to me and then I handed -> him to mom," said Firefighter Jeff Herman. "We checked him out and -> he was fine so off they went." -> -> "He is doing alright," says Danielle. "He was in a bit of trouble -> afterwards. He definitely didn't get a toy after that." -> -> "He's the next great Houdini," says Coleman. Yes, because Houdini's act consisted entirely of him crawling into locked vending machines and then waiting for his mommy to call the fire department. -> James mother says he has done things like this before, like -> climbing out of his playpen, doors and even out of windows. -> -> Wal-Mart declined to comment on James' escapade. You know, I haven't lately seen any news stories about kids getting their heads stuck in Ronald McDonald's crotch. (Some McDonalds locations still have those statues of Ronald sitting with his legs crossed with that convenient-sized kidhole.) Kids, the vending machine's been done too much lately, so please get stuck in Ronald McDonald's crotch. Thank you. -- K. Someday these kids will grow up, and then they'll get stuck in condom machines. And not in a good way. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Catholics Claim They Eat Jesus Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 20:45:37 -0400 ToYKillAS (vmlinuz@tuxfamily.org) wrote: > > Those Catholics are at it again - they say that at mass they are > actually eating the body and blood of Jesus Christ, citing passages > from the Bible [...] Golly! Is this new? Did the new Pope just invent it? -- K. During your study of comparative religion, let us know when you get to the part where you discover what a "bris" is. Hint: Don't borrow the mohel's toenail clippers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Need: Black plastic cases. Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 01:46:59 -0400 Hey. You know how, when you buy something like a power drill kit, it usually comes packed in some sort of cheap plastic case shaped like a briefcase or small suitcase -- hard plastic, with a handle on one side? I need some of those. They have to be that shape -- lunchpail-shaped toolboxes won't do. And they should be the cheap plastic ones because, while quality aluminum tool cases are easily available, those cost like $100-$200 each, and I need to buy in quantity, so I want some $10-and-under ones. Preferably black. Even better if they come with black foam rubber inside so I won't have to cut my own. Basically, imagine you're outfitting your private army to defeat James Bond. The guys in the brightly-colored, asymmetrical designer uniforms with jackboots have to have some way of carrying their death rays around. And your cannon fodder aren't worth spending $200 each on aluminum cases. So you need the sort of case that you get free when you buy low-end audio equipment. Closest I've been able to find is in the tool department at Sears, where they have some nice black cases, but they have "SEARS CRAFTSMAN" molded into them in giant letters, and I will not put a deadly death ray into something that says "SEARS", even if it originally came from Sears. I've made the rounds of other local hardware stores, craft-supply stores, and I'm about to start on music stores. I had no luck with Google Catalogs or Froogle (searching for "plastic case" just doesn't work because it matches everything there is.) So I'm desperate enough to turn to the world's wackiest knowledge base, alt.religion.kibology. If any of you guys know where I can order cases of plain black briefcase- shaped or suitcase-shaped cases from, I would be much obliged. Please tell me where to get cheap hard cases like that and I'll add you to the list of people who will get seats on my spaceship when I blow up the world after I take of that meddlesome Mr. Bond. -- K. You really don't want to know the _true_ details of this secret project, they're much weirder. I'll tell you eventually once I make it happen, but until then, just assume I'm a mad scientist who doesn't have a place to store death rays. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need: Black plastic cases. Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 05:16:12 -0400 Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please tell me where to get cheap hard cases like that and I'll add you > > to the list of people who will get seats on my spaceship when I blow up > > the world after I take of that meddlesome Mr. Bond. > > http://www.plasticase.com/ seem to have a nice range. THAT'S IT!!! They have ones the size and style I want for $12 without foam, or $20 with foam cubes, in choice of colors, with no logo, 8 to a crate. Thanks, Sean. You will not be killed. So, Mr. Case and his brother Plasti have earned seats on my spaceship. Not near the front, though, cause those seats will go to whichever of you will give me money for the cases of mystery once I fill 'em up. -- K. I still should probably think of a _reason_ for blowing up the world, it seems a big enough deal that it should only be done for a good reason, like to benefit research into a cure for golf. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Need: Black plastic cases. Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 03:22:31 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > I had some luck looking under "protector cases" at places like > casesandmore.com and pelicanproducts.us, but the cost is outrageous ($37 - > $67). Searching under "hard tool case" on eBay resulted in some good > stuff that's cheaper, but they all had tools in them, which I gather you > don't need. The sniper set looks cool... uh, I mean, how terrible to find > a sniper set on eBay think of the children etc. The $37-$67 Pelican cases you mention would hold a cell phone, but I want briefcase-sized ones (approximately 12x17x4), which those sites retail for circa $100 and up. Since you get a case of sorts when you buy a $30 drill, or you can buy an empty case that says "SEARS" for $12, there must be some source for quantities of dirt-cheap cases. I don't need the military-grade ones with the gasket seal and metal corners and key lock and all that other stuff they push on people who buy these things for their underwater 3-D movie cameras. I want things of the quality that K'nex sets and portable typewriters come packed in -- simple molded plastic clamshells with a plastic latch. I imagine such cases must wholesale for under $10 in quantity. Just a couple pieces of plastic. > You might want to try garage sales (do they have those in Boston?) and > thrift stores and pawn shops. I think you missed the part where I said I needed to buy them in quantities for my private army. If I just needed _one_, I'd spend $100 on a nice aluminum one, or dump a $30 power drill out of one. I need stacks of identical ones... I am not about to devote weeks to travelling around to places like thrift stores hoping to find one useable case every few weeks. I need quantities, and I need 'em all at once. Basically, I'm in the situation of needing to buy something in wholesale without having any way of figuring out where people like Sears are getting theirs made. It's one of those "B2B" items where it seems like you have to actually know somebody on the inside of the business, the sort of stuff which is neither sold retail nor openly advertised. The companies that are stamping these out for companies that include them with power drills, audio equipment, etc., are careful not to put their logo on them. I've checked the items I've bought lately in such cases, and the cases don't have any identifying marks. I know that these people aren't making their own cases -- that's a central rule of business (Stop & Shop doesn't actually have a kitchen in the back making "Stop & Shop" brand canned soup, and Sears doesn't make their own power drills or cases either. But you're not supposed to know that, so stuff tends to not have its true origin labelled.) Of course if I wanted to buy 50,000 I'd have some plastics company make something to order, but I have a quantity in mind which makes garage sales absolutely unworkable but is still too small to have them custom-manufactured. I need to find some off-the-shelf solution that's as cheap as the $12 ones Sears sells, just without the giant "SEARS" logo stamped into them. Again, nobody would take a death ray seriously in a "SEARS" clamshell. Might as well say "Trapper Keeper" or "Hello Kitty". > I don't think dad had any tools in cases in the garage but I'll try and > remember to look for some this weekend, because I will sell them to you, > my friend, for the low low price of $99.99 plus shipping and handling. Nope. My COGS spreadsheet says to tell you where to go. -- K. You people will be SO sorry if I have to have people carrying around Hello Kitty death rays. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Black plastic cases. Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 22:49:34 -0400 Nicholas O. Lindan (see@sig.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] and I'll add you to the list of people who will get seats > > on my spaceship > > Howz about you promise to keep my _off_ your list > and I'll keep you off mine? Tell you what. I'll add you to my list of people who don't want to be on any of my lists. Will that make you happy? > -- > Nicholas O. Lindan, Cleveland, Ohio > Consulting Engineer: Electronics; Informatics; Photonics. While we're on the subject of death rays, what's the difference between your fancy "photonics" and puny Earth "optics"? There's a Boston University "photonics" lab about a mile from me. It looks like a normal building except it has this glowing white glass tube running up one side, so my assumption is that "photonics" involves some sort of technology using a vertical matter-antimatter intermix chamber to create a reaction that the dilithium crystals can channel down the EPS conduits to rephase a static warp field so that Wesley can take over the Bridge every time that kid gets hopped up on the goofy dust. Excuse me -- I forgot we were talking about quantum physics -- he'd get hopped up on "goofy matter". Goofy matter is made from goofy quarks, which come in nine flavors and plump when you cook 'em. They're used to fill up rubber squeak toys and are what make gummi worms transparent. In a photonics lab, do you have to scream "PHOTON ALERT!" every time you turn on the lights? How about "DUCK, PHOTONS!"? "DON'T LET THE PHOTONS TOUCH YOU!"? Hey, can you steal me a big bottle of krypton? I want to put it inside two glass tubes in the shape of a cross and ionize the fuck out of it to make the plasma light up green so that, as Jack Handy suggested, I could keep away both Dracula and Superman at the same time. Because Super Dracula is not my favorite combination of superheroes, ranking slightly below Wonder Kong and Bat-Wesley. -- K. Are photons like snowflakes, no two alike, or are they more like cornflakes, no two having any flavor? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing his opponent... Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 18:08:51 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > Making his CEW debut, From very East Bronx, weighing in at less than yo > mama, Mocha Latte! And I was just about to suggest "Vanilla Mayo" or "Ritz Cracka". > The final decision was that the character would be more "over" as a > bwigger with an ambiguosly gay trait, "Virginia Slim". Besides, aren't all pro wrestlers already gay-vague? I mean, some of 'em still wear singlets! Remember the garden-tool ad on "The Ben Stiller Show" where Andy Dick wore a singlet? If that doesn't make all wrestlers gay, I don't know what does. > a mixture of Jack from Three's Company, Archie Bunker, and > . "Rappin' Archie" probably would've actually happened if his show had been on an extra two years. I mean Archie Bunker, not the seventy-year-old teenager with the fluorescent orange tic-tac-toe grid on his head (you know, the more dorky imitation of Ralph Malph.) Your idea of a rapping Archie Bunker is truly mind-blowingly geniusful in its intentional horribleness. Be sure to call your woman a "dingbat ho". > I have mediocre rapping skills, which fit the bill perfectly. My rants > will contain things like "Right now, there's a lock on a chain around > my neck, for shizzle. But tonight, I'm gonna lock my chain on yo ass!" If you do it as an '80s rapper for extra out-of-touchness, then you should wear Hammer pants, 'cause "genie pants" and "can't dance" and "booty-style ass" all rhyme perfectly. Maybe you could find Zubaz in a thrift store. Then you could rhyme with "tubas" and "Mike Lupica". If you ever have to wrestle in shorts, you could use "I'm like if that guy from 'Kazaam' went into sports!" Matter of fact, yelling "KAZAAM!" whenever you throw yourself on top of someone is an all-purpose good idea. > Then I'll act like I know I messed up, and try and recover, only to > say something worse. For WWE fans, Kurt Angle did something like this > a couple of years ago. Yeah, but the WWE is for _kids_. > They're gonne deck me out in Mardi Gras beads spray-painted gold, Be sure to leave a little bare patch at the base of your spine so you don't get skin suffocation. > a huge bike chain with a D-lock, an Eminem baseball cap, the > aformentioned white polo shirt with Ralph Lauren crossed out and > Karl Kani written in black Sharpie, and very baggy track pants. Seventies-style Adidas track pants -- the shiny nylon ones in royal blue with a bright yellow stripe down each leg -- would be perfect, especially because if the rapping doesn't work you could always switch to being The Psycho Gym Teacher Everyone Had In High School. You could bring a dodgeball into the ring and throw it at the other wrestler's face. Or the referee's. > They don't have me billed as an aerial specialist, which is good > cos 260+ pounds doesn't fly very well. There's always sumo. So if being a bwigger doesn't work, you could turn Japanese and be a bwink. So are you saying that because I weigh only 55% of what you do, I would be one of the world's greatest pro wrestlers if I billed myself as an aerial specialist? (I'm six-two with a thirty-one-inch waist, which makes me the right size to be an "International Male" catalog model, the dream of every gay-vague white guy who listens to classic rap in his New Beetle. But I'd rather get every bone broken in a wrestling ring than be seen posing in one of their poofy shirts.) > The funny thing is this sort of persona would normally be associated > with a brawler, but they want me to show off my technical wrestling > (nothing like technical writing) GOOD! That would be the world's most hated wrestling villain: A guy who gets into the ring and then just talks about grammar. If Technical Writer Wrestler fought Andy Kaufman, the audience would start cheering for Andy, and that would make Andy cry. Hmm, a good character touch for your bwigger would be to proudly show off the two or three Latin phrases he knows. If you act really smug about knowing one or two proverbs you can barely pronounce, this will irritate both the people who know Latin and the people who don't. "As Julian Caesar said, 'Lorem ipsum dolor zit!'" > to make for a further audience-baffling situation. They are calling > my finisher The Hood. "I grew up in da hood. It was a yellow vinyl windbreaker. It was scratchy in da balzac!" > Very East Bronx is funny because eventually it will come out that I'm > allegedly from Manhattan. HAW HAW geography jokes in wrestling. You could be "from the north side of downtown". Like maybe around 35th Street where the White Castle is, unless they've closed that one since I was last there in 2001. Of course, if you're going to be slightly gay, maybe you could be from "the uptown side of the Village." But then you'd get people singing "YMCA" at you. Hmm, instead you could be from "the uptown end of Christopher Street." You could call it "Chris Street". Then take a swig of orange soda pop and read the ingredients aloud and say "OUTTA SIGHT!" -- K. For the Canadians in the audience, substitute "The uptown end of Yonge Street." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Introducing his opponent... Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 22:52:13 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > Making his CEW debut, From very East Bronx, weighing in at less > > > than yo mama, Mocha Latte! > > > > And I was just about to suggest "Vanilla Mayo" or "Ritz Cracka". > > "Mocha Latte" sounds like what Halle Berry's character would have > been named if Melvin Van Peebles had written a Bond movie. > > By which I mean IT IS A NAME FOR A GURL. So he could spell it Mo Chalatte. What's so hard about that? Anyway, the Bond character's full name would be Lotta Mocha Latte. > > > The final decision was that the character would be more "over" as a > > > bwigger with an ambiguosly gay trait, > > > > "Virginia Slim". > > > > Besides, aren't all pro wrestlers already gay-vague? I mean, some of > > 'em still wear singlets! > > So, perfect, basically. I believe the phrase you want is "a little _too_ on-the-nose" if you want to get the point across with the proper je ne sais queer. Also, there's still the question of the proper "color story" for his couture. Apparently the word "palette" is outmoded. Now we have color stories. Eventually we may have the first color novel, or maybe the first color TV series. Did I spell "couture" right? (If not, don't actually tell me.) -- K. Anyway, Clans, you have a plenty better name than Bad Boy Batty Bat or Lex Dangler. I also note that the CEW roster (if I'm looking at the right page -- at least three different web sites claim to be the official CEW site, and all are very old) includes a wrestler named Seaman White, so you might want to advise the first three rows that they may get splattered when the Seaman hits the Mocha. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick question Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 18:16:00 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > Why don't objectivists implode when they change their mind? Ayn Rand fans can change their mind? Wow, now my worldview is shattered. I thought all Objectivists could do was to tell everyone else that they should be Objectivists in a never- changing straight line of tedium. But if Objectivists can get better, that makes me sad because now I shouldn't pick on them. It's no fun to pick on people who aren't completely hopeless. By the way, Ayn Rand is not going to be happy when I dye my hair fluorescent purple next month. At the moment (because I shaved my head a couple weeks ago) it's black, with a dull orange beard, but future plans require me to do a brilliant purple for reasons you don't want me to go into. I don't like the purple, but it's for a good cause, namely, money. -- K. She should have written more books after she died, just like L. Ron Hubbard, though she wasn't as good a writer. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Quick question Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 19:40:10 -0400 Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Otto Bahn (GoAheadKissMyAss@Blew.Devels.com) wrote: > > > > > > Why don't objectivists implode when they change their mind? > > > > Ayn Rand fans can change their mind? > > Hey now, there are at least three objectivists who are *not* > fans of Ayn Rand. That's impossible! Everybody loves Ayn Rand! > Randroids have this habit of travelling in a certain direction, > from Republican to Strict-Construction-Constituttional-Libertarian > to libertarian to anarcho-capitalist. Some stop, or die, at some > point along the way. Whether they are truly changing their mind > or just making their mind up is open to debate. Ever notice how the phrase "...is open to debate" is only ever said about things that normal people find extremely boring? Why is that? Why are some things boring? Why are some things very boring? What's boring about boring things which are boring? And why do people love Ayn Rand more than they love me, Ayndy Rooney? Am I boring? If I were boring, how would I know? Because if I were boring, I wouldn't be able to listen to myself long enough to tell me how boring I am. I might just be so respected that nobody has the courage to tell me how boring I am. So let's all think about whether or not I'm boring. What's with everyone wanting to know just how boring I am? I find it boring that I don't know whether I'm boring. I'm Ayndy Rooney, and I may or may not be boring. Maybe if all of our nation's politicans were able to admit that they may or may not be boring, then the world would be a happier place for all Americans. This is loyal American Ayndy Rooney saying, have a boring night. > I think most of them are unwilling to admit that maybe Objectivism > and Rand aren't all they were cracked up to be. She didn't invent, > or even advocate by word or deed, the NIOF principle, and about all > that can be said about libertarian/anarchist theory had been written > before she was born (economic arguments are another matter, but she > did not make them). The only political philosophy to which I subscribe is that there should be complete anarchy, with me in charge of it. > > By the way, Ayn Rand is not going to be happy when I dye my hair > > fluorescent purple next month. [...] I don't like the purple, > > but it's for a good cause, namely, money. > > If meat is murder, then capitalism is rape at worst and prostitution > at best. Hey, I support _consensual_ capitalism. Only taxation is rape. And meat doesn't have to be murder. You could cut a chunk out of a cow without killing it. Hell, cutting a starfish into several pieces gives you several whole starfish next month, so if you just keep eating starfish legs you're actually increasing their population, which is the _opposite_ of murder. And even though meat isn't murder, it's still delicious. > > She should have written more books after she died, just like > > L. Ron Hubbard, though she wasn't as good a writer. > > Only a conniving socialist would say such a thing. Rand was a master > at lampooning caricatures. She would have been the kibologist's > kibologist. She could never have been good at puncturing stereotypes, because she was just a girl. Poor Ayn Rand! -- K. I think she was one of these people who everyone assumes must have been a genius because she had bad hair. AND MY HAIR IS BADDER THAN HERS! I WIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What scares people in India, besides weak curry Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 20:35:29 -0400 [news.yahoo.com] -> -> Eye doctors see red over spooky movie -> -> NEW DELHI (Reuters) -- Indian eye doctors have asked a court -> to ban a movie in which the heroine sees ghosts after a cornea -> transplant, saying it will scare off donors and patients. People who get scared by horror movies are the sort of people who are probably already scared of doctors, and hospitals, and clowns, and cats, and dogs, and goldfish, and light bulbs, and pillows, and bread, and air. You'd have to be some sort of lamer to actually get scared by a horror movie. Horror movies aren't scary at all if you're like me (completely mentally stable and much scarier than any horror movie.) -> The All India Ophthalmological Society complained to Delhi's high -> court that the movie "Naina" (Eyes), starring Bollywood bombshell -> Urmila Matondkar, would reinforce myths about cornea transplants, -> The Times of India said Friday. Anyway, if these weenies don't want anyone to see the stupid horror movie, they can always poke out everyone's eyes. -> "This movie could create a fear psychosis among cornea recipients -> and their relatives as well as among potential eye donors," -> ophthalmologist Navin Sakhuja told Reuters. Oh, like people don't already have "fear psychosis" about their eyes anyway. I mean, even Harlan Ellison runs away screaming if someone says "contact lens". (I'd like to see how he reacts to those people who get the jewelry implanted in their eyeball.) I don't see why people are squeamish about eyes. I've been hit in the eyeball with lightning bolts (well, only once) and it only hurt for a while afterwards and didn't do me any brain damage mittens radiator banana. -> Would-be donors could be frightened off, afraid their eyes would -> "live on after they are dead," said Sakhuja, a member of the -> society. "We have a huge backlog of people, particularly children, -> waiting to get new corneas. This movie adds to misconceptions and -> could hurt efforts to get them those corneas." -> -> Naina's director says the heroine's visions after the transplant -> following 20 years of blindness are caused by what the donor had -> seen and experienced in life. -> -> "If such objections are taken into account, no horror film will -> ever be made," the Times quoted Shripal Morakhia saying. YES! YES! DEAR COURT PLEASE CALL A MORATORIUM ON ALL HORROR MOVIES AND THAT REALLY ANNOYING AND CLICHED SUBGENRE OF THRILLERS WHERE THE HEROINE CAN MAGICALLY SEE WHAT THE SERIAL KILLER IS SEEING! I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SICK OF THOSE! -> The court is due to hear the case Wednesday, but the movie was -> released nationally Friday. India needs 40,000-50,000 corneas a -> year but only 15,000 are donated. This suggests another movie: "India Needs Corneas" starring India's Tommy Kirk and India's Yvonne Craig. They both go blind after seeing the sun glint off Persis Khambatta's head. And being blind makes them vulnerable to the killer plants. But then fortunately the Triffids dissolve in common household seawater 'cause, like all space monsters, they're made of cotton candy, the fluffiest candy which God in His wisdom placed in outer space. THE END, BUY BONDS. -> Hindus believe in reincarnation and that what they do and how they -> behave in this life affects the next. Doctors say some people fear -> they will be reborn blind if they give up their eyes. So, when that guy poked out the eyes of everyone who built the Taj Mahal so that only he could look at it, how come nobody noticed a whole bunch of Indian babies being born with their eyes already poked out? At least it wouldn't matter because they'd still know what the Taj Mahal looked like, since they already saw it in a previous life. -- K. One wonders how India would react to "MPD Psycho". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Spam proves it. Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 23:09:58 -0400 [www.foxnews.com] -> -> Man Who Kept Mom in Freezer Had History of Odd Behavior -> -> TOWN OF CAMPBELL, Wis. -- As a teenager, Philip Schuth was teased -> mercilessly by the other kids because his mother still walked him -> to school. As an adult, he lived with his mother, cut his backyard -> with a scythe, and once bought $150 worth of Spam in a single -> grocery store outing. Well, THAT proves it. Nobody but a psycho could enjoy the taste of Spam. It tastes way too much like human flesh. Also, $150 worth is probably just one case from Costco. -> But the strangest thing of all would come to light over the -> weekend: Schuth had kept his mother's remains in a basement freezer -> for years while he went on collecting her Social Security checks. That's not strange. That's just greedy. If strange were the same as greedy, Donald Trump would be competing against his own hair. -> Schuth told authorities that his mother died of natural causes in -> 2000 and that he feared police might charge him with murder, -> according to court documents. An autopsy is planned. -> -> "Everybody thought he was nuts," said Gary Mitchell, 59, who lives -> next door. Then Gary's silver eyes began to glow. "He doesn't like me either. But I can see that a water heater is about to explode and kill him. Then I'll have a big fight where Captain Kirk's shirt falls off revealing that he wears chest makeup under it all day. If only he'd though to navigate the Enterprise either _over_ or _under_ that horizontal line of purple clouds that give people evil super powers." -> Neighbors said Schuth had told them that his mother had gone to -> live in a nursing home about two years ago. -> -> Investigators found the freezer -- with a 200-to-300-pound block of -> ice inside it -- at the end of an all-night standoff at Schuth's home. In the words of Lt. Gary Mitchell, "Who needs a walk-in freezer unit?" -> [...] -> -> In fifth or sixth grade, Schuth invited about eight kids to his -> birthday party, said Daniel Potaracke, 51, who grew up three blocks -> away. Only Potaracke showed up. Hey, I would've except I wasn't invited. People who don't want to seem crazy, take note: Invite me to your birthday party and I will show up, provided you pay my airfare. -> [...] -> -> Schuth was a college graduate but never found full-time work. He -> never had a driver's license or owned a car. Only crazy people use public transportation! And everyone who works part-time is eeeeeevil! -> Once, Mitchell said, he gave Schuth a ride to a grocery store where -> Schuth bought $150 worth of Spam. The next day, he gave him a ride -> to a department store, where Schuth piled three shopping carts full -> of toilet paper. You need that if you eat a lot of Spam. -> Mitchell asked Schuth once why he wore knee-high rubber boots. -> Schuth replied that a group of kids had attacked him, and he -> started carrying a gun in his boots. Oh. I guess I better buy a gun. -- K. But why does Dr. Pepper wear knee boots? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:20:30 -0400 Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.HAWHAWSPAMTRAP.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Wow. What an experience. I've been a student of wrestling, from WWE to ECW > to puro resu and luchalibre, since I was about 5. I've praticed in padded > rings, Those are called "bras". > run the ropes, worked out with wrestlers, you name it. But nothing, > and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the sheer adrenaline rush of > hearing your music hit, coming down the aisle, and having people cheer you. > > Also, being jumped on from 5 feet in the air by a 200lb man and his knees. And that's when you get just the right ratio of endorphins on top of the adrenaline. The adrenaline takes the edge off the initial onset of the endorphins so that you can enjoy them as they set in for hours at a time, or months if the guy's knee crushed something important. > I was scheduled to do a run-in early in the show to save the current champ > from a 3-man beatdown. They wanted me to use the traditional folding chair, > but I thought the chain with bicycle D-Lock would be more in flavour. Other bad-guy wrestling weapons you could try: I know a crowbar's been done, but what about a bicycle pump? You could swing it like a bat _or_ put it in the guy's mouth. How about a unicycle? A pizza paddle? A plastic lightsaber filled with stage blood? A real lightsaber filled with real blood? > So the champ (known only as Cyber) is in the ring, ranting, the crowd of > about 500 or so is eating it up. Out comes Nick Byrne, the partner of the #1 > contender (Chris Gort) and rants. Then from behind Chris Gort attacks Cyber > and the beatdown is on: Nick, Chris and their "valet" (read: hawt chy><0r > with teh bqqbies hanging out) on Cyber. Gangsta's Paradise hits and I come > out, kick Gort in the head, and then catch Nick with the chain. The valet > jumps on my back, Cyber pulls her off, gives her a spanking and throws her > to the floor. He hits his finisher on Gort and I get to debut The Hood, > where I position the opponent on my shoulder as if for a running powerslam, > then hoist them up and drop them in a face-first powerbomb. It looks very > impressive but is also easy to take without getting hurt. Hey, I paid to see you hurt people, not give a Penn-and-Teller-style demonstration of how it's fun to pretend I'm the only one who knows it's all a trick! LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO BUYS THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS JUST TO LAUGH AT HOW EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD THINKS IT'S COMPLETELY REAL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NOBODY BUT ME REALIZES McDONALDS FOOD IS DESIGNED TO TASTE BAD LA LA LA LA LA LA > Nick made it look awesome, snapping his head back and writhing while > holding his chest. The crowd popped, but more likely because Cyber > just did a twisting moonsault onto Gort. Ah well. > > So the matches were set, and having done a run-in earlier, the crowd knew > who was coming with the music and gave me a decent cheer. The match itself > was pretrty straightforward, I worked in some nice submissions, a couple > suplexes, and took a few bumps, including one very hard DDT which left me > with a headache until about an hour ago. Serious advice: Read up on everything you can about concussions and their warning signs. 'Cause sooner or later you're going to get one and they're not fun and you may not be able to tell whether or not you have one unless you've spent oodles of time training yourself to stop and think every two seconds about whether you feel funny. > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference, a chair gets slid into > the ring by the valet and I get a drop toehold into it, followed by the > above-mentioned double knee from the top, known as the Sick Bastard. Next > week I get to debut my rapping skills, and also team up with Cyber to take > on Gort and Byrne. I support the Sick Bastard. Wrestling should consist entirely of moves with names like that. Too many of the movies have dainty names like "The Half-Nelson". Even a whole Mike Nelson would still just be a doughy nerd who once wore a dance belt in "Brigadoon". > What's that? What am I planning for the rap? Glad you asked. > > Like Terri with a scythe > I'll make a widow of yo wife > Put an end to yo life > Bring da trouble and strife > Lose? I don't think so > I drink hot sauce like Kibo > Yo mama's a crack ho > I need to hit that yo. > > Wait wait wait, that sounded wrong. I don't mean hit a crack ho, dat's > nasty. Ok OK check this out. You drink hot sauce and you don't approve of crack? What's wrong with you? Hot sauce is an even cheaper drug than crack, therefore even more lower-class. People who don't know who Kibo is would probably just get lost at the abrupt transition from talking about hurting people to talking about Kibo drinking hot sauce. You need a segue. A great thing to do for a bad rap would be to add a line saying something like "I drive a Segway and now I'm gonna make a segue..." while holding up a card saying "PLEASE LAUGH AT MY AWESOME PUN. IF YOU NEED MY SOPHISTICATED VOCABULARY EXPLAINED TO YOU, PLEASE CONSULT ANY REPUTABLE DICTIONARY AT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY. WERD!" > Yo ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it > > Nah nah nah dat ain't right either. "Yo' ass is a monkey and I'm gonna spank it all night" should appeal to the wrestling audience, especially if they know what masturbation is. It would take a little practice to deliver that line with just the right pause in just the right place to separate the "I'm gonna spank it all night" part from the rest of the sentence in the most perfectly awful manner possible. > I'm stuck there, but I have 6 days to save^H^H^H^H fix it. Hmm, drinking hot sauce raises all sorts of possibilities for a bad guy. Get one of big quart bottles of Tabasco, wash it out, fill it with V-8, drink half the bottle -- and then spit a mouthful in someone's face. It'd probably still sting their eyes, since tomato juice is pretty acidic, but I'm sure you're not wrestling against total wusses. If you think that's too mean, you could always just pour the fake hot sauce over your own head right before grappling. something something Tabasco something something hurt yo' ass so something something something is it chili in here or is it just me, yo And wear a T-shirt with Andy Kaufman's face on it. The crowd'll hate you for sure, especially if you pay off Jerry Lawler to help you. Also, if you're wrestling in Canada, your rap should tell the audience that they're almost as dumb as hockey fans. That might incite them to riot and rush the ring so you could then beat up hundreds of people! The possibilities are endless when you're as evil as Andy Kaufman but actually have muscles and aren't just wrestling for the frottage! -- K. If you _are_ just wrestling for the frottage, you may have to change your theme music. Ennio Morricone sounds right for frottage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: CLans vs Sick Nick Byrne Date: Sun, 22 May 2005 20:35:20 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@gmail.com) wrote: > > Chris Lansdell (lansdellicious@gmail.com) wrote: > > > > I was booked to lose the match due to intereference... > > Do you mean these matches aren't the real deal? Does the House > SubCommittee on Wrasslin' know about this? I thought he was up in Canada, since one of his E-mail addresses ends with sympatico.ca just like Etienne Rouette's. And the Senate has no authority over Canada, which is a lawless land where the only government is a Queen and three Mounties, only one of whom speak any English, and he still can't talk because he has to work undercover as a "living statue" street mime in white bodypaint in Montreal. In this frozen anarchy, beavers and moose run wild in the streets, mauling fur trappers and donair hunters alike. The people are constantly rioting, and the only way to avoid them is to go some place quiet like the Bata Shoe Museum, and that's _too_ quiet. The anarchy is further exacerbated by the fact that all Canadians are drunk all the time, even in years when the NHL isn't playing. I tell you, the Senate should annex Canada to put a stop to all this and make it as civilized and clean as the Federal Triangle. > New Kenny Chesney song: "Booked to Lose." > > Congratulations, I guess. Hey, it's closer to winning a pro wrestling match than I will ever come. Unless they change the rules to allow cattle prods. And change the rules again to disallow cattle prods for anyone else. -- K. Clans, if you were to refuse to throw the match, and then left via the fire escape, and then ran into Ving Rhames on the street, could you please tell Bravo not to completely delete my favorite character from the TV version of the next scene? Also, can you find out what's under Ving's Band-Aid? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Goat. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 03:02:55 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: I Saw Star Wars III. May 22, 2005. > > Yes on Saturday May 22, 2005 at 12:15 PM, just after noon I saw > the latest version of Star Wars. I loved it and recommend that > everyone go see it. It was great and the kids and I chapped our > hands at the end of the movie. I generally don't like movies that peel my skin off. Also, the chaps go on your legs, not your hands. So are you a cowboy or a biker? -- K. The Village People need a Darth Vader. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk Subject: Re: Misuse of library. Date: Mon, 23 May 2005 07:28:26 -0400 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) found this article about a library masturbator: > > [www.dailynorthwestern.com] > -> > -> A 21-year-old man arrested Monday at University Library told > -> police he goes to there to get sexually aroused by female > -> students, University Police said. > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> UP arrested Gentles at about 2 p.m. Monday on a trespassing > -> charge, after a female Weinberg senior told police a man > -> stood 2 feet behind her in the library's first-floor > -> reference area pretending to speak on his cell phone, but > -> muttering "sexy feet" between sentences. Franky, I don't unsexy librarians understand what they're unsexy librarians complaining about unsexy librarians in this unsexy librarians article unsexy librarians. Excuse me, I gotta go take a cold shower. Again. > -> She told The Daily she immediately recalled that her roommate had > -> told her that on May 6 a man was masturbating near her on the fifth > -> floor of the library and chanting "sexy feet." The roommate, a > -> Medill senior, told The Daily she was sitting barefoot at the time. Maybe he was saying "smelly feet smelly feet smelly feet". So is this shoes-optional library also shirt-optional? > -> She said did not report the incident to police. Both students > -> refused to have their names printed. > -> > -> "After about 10 minutes (of hearing the man mutter), I realized I > -> wasn't playing games with myself," the Weinberg senior said. So, apparently, this is not suspicious: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 9 minutes But this is: "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" <-- for 10 minutes > -> Although she didn't see the man masturbating, she said she wouldn't > -> rule out the possibility because she heard heavy breathing and an > -> unzipping sound coming from the direction of the man. "Hark! I detect a highly directional unzipping noise!" How does she know it was an unzipping noise and not a zipping-up noise? Scientists everywhere say that zipper noises are invariant whether they are moving with or against the pull of gravity. Maybe the guy realized his fly had been open all day and was trying to zip up before she saw him because he's a prude, like people in libraries are supposed to be. I bet his lawyer will use that argument to help him get off in court. OKAY SO I STOLE HALF A SENTENCE FROM AN OLD PEE-WEE HERMAN JOKE! THAT'S NOT A CRIME! IT'S LIKE STEALING A LIBRARY BOOK NOBODY WANTS TO READ! > -> Gentles told police he was not masturbating at the time, but > -> admitted to doing so at the library on other occasions, > -> McAleer said. > > What a defence! Maybe those times were from seven point one years ago, before the Statute Of Limitations expired. So it's okay. The question is whether he's allowed to say "SEXY FEET SEXY FEET SEXY FEET" for nine minutes total during his life time, or nine minutes during each indiscretion. The librarians should be stopwatching the masturbator so they'll know whether they can stopwatching him. -- K. Oh jeez, Cookie Monster is on my TV and now he has dreadlocks. My childhood has just been retroactively ruined. COOKIE MONSTER SHOULD NOT HAVE FUNNY HAIR, JUST FUNNY EYES!