Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:25:12 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I have lost my faith in Kibo Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > More ways my son is like Kibo: > > Today he dyed his hair black. Asian Korean glossy black. He is as > blond as a Mormon. He was not too chagrined that he couldnt get his > eyebrows dyed to match - apparently TPTB think it is unsafe. All regular hair color says not to use it anywhere near the eyes -- they're afraid the peroxide or whatever will run down into your eyes. But beauty-supply stores do sell special coloring kits just for eyebrows. It's hideously expensive (like $20 for the little tube), and it only comes in black and brown, which is why you'll never see Steve Martin with green eyebrows. This is why women rip out their real eyebrows and draw on fake ones with some sort of shiny black Magic Marker that wouldn't even fool a Groucho Marx fan. Because a marker sells for less than either a tube of eyebrow dye or a jar of regular dye plus two new corneas. > Yes it is a color found in nature, but not on our side of the > International Date Line. So what color hair do Native Americans have in your hemisphere? > Also it is his First Time. WHo knows what color he will try next. Since > his favorite colors are black and white, perhaps he will color it even > blonder than his normal. Zebra would work. Hey, if Takashi Miike can do his hair in zebra stripes, so can anyone else. Your son has my permission. Tell him to watch the party scene in "Sleeper" for more ideas for silly black-and-white hairdos. Just don't let him get one of those T-shirts with the huge swastika. > I dont think he should go to high school. It isnt good for the brane. > he needs to go right to college. No, he needs to go right to elected office. -- K. Lately here there seems to be a resurgence of the '80s punk look -- I'm now seeing more Mohawks and spike 'dos, and fewer people in silly Goth makeup. So maybe if your son is travelling back in time with the rest of these people, he'll go from Goth to punk to leisure suit to hippie. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:28:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I have lost my faith in Kibo Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Travers Naran (tnaran@no-more-virii-please.direct.ca) wrote: > > I used to feel that way, but no longer. When I try to invoke him by puting > kibo in my post, he no longer replies to my threads. Thus, he must not > exist anymore. The only part of your logic which is sound is the assumption that only one of the two of us exists. Now if you'll excuse me, I have stuff to go do, because I exist. -- K. I'd tell you what I did last night, but I'm not sure you'd really want to hear a sentence involving the words "policeman" and "electroshock". ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 07 May 2005 21:41:21 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: dirty dalek limerick thread Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > plorkwort (asw@TheWorld.com) wrote: > > > > > > The daleks, when down in the dumps, > > > Cheer each other by fondling their bumps. > > > Said one to another, > > > "You'll make a great mother!" > > > Said the first, "Oh no, that's the mumps." > > > > > > Please contribute yours here ---> > > > > ON DALEK PROTRUBERANCES > > > > The Daleks are robotic genii > > Each with a stalk-mounted beady eye; > > They've got ray-guns and suckers > > But the poor robot fuckers > > Don't have any Dalekoid penii. > > A girl-Dalek, fresh in from Venus, > Soon landed a boy-Dalek genius > When she said, "Let's get hot!" > He replied, "I cannot -- > The Doctor has unscrewed my penis." Poems suck. Here's one that doesn't. It's in the style of England's great literary genius, A. A. Dalek. "We're created by Davros, His face is cadaverous. We'll zap you with rays, you'll die in a daze, along with Kojak's brother ERROR ERROR ERROR TOO MANY SYLLABLES IN FINAL LINE MY METER IS IMPAIRED MY METER IS IMPAIRED I CANNOT POESIZE I CANNOT POESIZE ERROR ERROR EXPLODE EXPLODE EXXXXXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!!! *bang*" The contest is now over because I just won. The end no givebacks. -- K. But what do Daleks eat under there? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 03:29:34 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Spot gets blown Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Live! From Down Under! It's Spot making headlines the only way he knows how, by getting stuck in something! [www.news.com.au] -> -> Blast of air blows dog out of pipe Always feed your dog plenty of beans! -> By Danny Rose -> May 02, 2005 -> From: AAP -> -> A SMALL dog stuck in a narrow stormwater drain in suburban -> Melbourne has been rescued after five hours of digging. Poor Spot! He didn't mean to get stuck in the stormwater drain! He only meant to get stuck in the bathwater drain! -> Firefighters used spades to dig three deep holes in a rescue bid -> that continued until about 10pm (AEST) last night. -> -> But Barney the Jack Russell terrier was reunited with his owner -> only after a "massive blast" of cold air. Oh, wait. This article can't be about Spot. He's not a cute, perky li'l Jack Russell. He's just a cross between a poodle and a dachshund -- a poolong. That's why he looks like a hot dog with a stupid haircut. -> The Metropolitan Fire and Emergency Services Board said Barney -> was enjoying a walk with his owner, in Queen Street, Altona -> Meadows, about 5pm, when he ventured up the drainpipe in -> parkland behind a basketball stadium. -> -> "From the yelps and whimpering, it was plain Barney had crawled -> in quite some distance, making his rescue that much harder," -> Commander Ken Brown said. -> -> "Firefighters took a guess at his location and dug down about -> 1.5 metres to locate the pipe. -> -> "After listening again for Barney's heartbreaking cries, they -> estimated the dog was about 8 metres further in and (they) made -> a second hole." In the dog, pipe, or owner? -> But that effort also failed, and Mr Brown said it appeared the -> dog had moved further into the pipe out of alarm at the sound of -> the digging. -> -> A third hole was then dug. -> -> "An opening was eventually made in the drain both in front of -> and behind Barney and a number of methods were employed to try -> and coax the tiny dog out of the pipe," he said. "However, we will not bother telling you any of these several interesting methods, because you probably wouldn't even bother writing them down because you're JUST A REPORTER!" -> "Finally, firefighters used a massive blast of cold air from one -> of their breathing apparatus cylinders and forced Barney to -> crawl out of the pipe and into his owners arms." If he's like most Jack Russells, he probably then got stuck in his owner's armpit. They seem to like jamming themselves into confined spaces as a result of all that selective breeding for rat-catching prowess. -> The dog was assessed at the scene by the RSPCA and found to be -> uninjured. Then _why_ is this in the news? It clearly wasn't Spot if he didn't get hurt in some horrible way! Remember the time Spot jammed his head into that pasta machine that was set to "ravioli"? Or the time he got his entire body wedged into an accordion at the Annoying Music Festival? Or the time he got stuck in the hypodermic needle factory? -- K. Actually, Spot's not a purebred poolong. He's 1/3 poodle, 1/3 dachshund, and 1/3 kitty cat. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 17:26:23 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Current trends in German cannibalism Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Hey look! There's been another one! [www.timesonline.co.uk] -> -> Cannibalism copycat who kept a man in his fridge -> -> From Roger Boyes in Berlin -> -> A CANNIBAL confessed yesterday to a court in Berlin that he had -> killed a teacher and fed the man's lungs to his cat before he -> had sliced off and salted other parts of his body with a view to -> eating them later. -> -> Ralf Meyer, 41, a decorator, was clearly emulating Armin Meiwes, -> the "Cannibal of Rotenburg", who was jailed last year for -> murdering and eating a software specialist. CANNIBAL DECORATOR! _That's_ the reality TV show idea that will make millions! I'm going to throw away all my notes for "Monkey Makeover" (The chimp does your hair! The orangutan picks our your clothes! The gorilla goes through your drawers!) and start working on "Cannibal Decorator". That's an idea that's perfect for a reality show because it's an idea that _could_ be good, but won't! -> "I'm ashamed and cannot even dare to offer an apology to his -> relatives," Herr Meyer said in a confession read out by his -> defence lawyer. Ah, the old "I'm so contrite that I'm not apologizing, because not apologizing is even better than apologizing" tactic. I wonder what's eating him. -> The victim, Joe Ritzkowsky, 33, taught music at Berlin's -> renowned Waldorf School. The clergyman's son was drawn to Herr -> Meyer's flat through an internet chat room. He let himself be -> tied to the bed and the two men had sex, during which Herr Meyer -> dug a screwdriver into the teacher's neck. Wait, I'm confused. How did the teacher get into the same room as the clergyman's son and the victim? -> After Herr Ritzkowsky bled to death, Herr Meyer slit open his -> body, ripped out the lungs for his cat and cut off the penis, -> which he prepared with spices and wrapped in Cellophane. Kudos to the reporter for identifying the precise brand name of the plastic wrap involved, but a big demerit for saying "with spices" instead of giving us the actual recipe for weiner schnitzel. -> Then he chopped up the body and placed organs in the fridge. I remember one Donald Duck comic book where Huey, Dewey, and Louie were tortured by being trapped inside the pipes of a giant organ someone was playing. However, having ducks in your organ is not the same as having organs in your fridge, but it's just as creepy, especially when you factor in that these old Donald Duck comics usually ended with him convincing friendly South American natives to give Unca Scrooge all their gold of their own free will so he could keep it safe from a dog version of Fidel Castro. -> "It was like a butcher's shop," said a policeman who searched -> the flat. The torso was on the bed, with the hacked-off legs -> and arms laid alongside. Lesson learned: If you're going to eat someone, clean your plate. -> Herr Meyer said in his confession: "I'm afraid of the dark side -> of my personality, but it continues to fascinate me." -> -> His defence lawyer emphasised that, unlike Meiwes, Herr Meyer -> had not eaten any of the organs. Oh, well then, that makes it okay. -> When he surrendered to police, he said calmly: "I have killed -> a man. Help me, there's a man in my fridge." "And his name is Prince Albert!" -> The prosecution has charged Herr Meyer with "murder out of base -> motive, driven by sexual desire". Cannibalism is not an offence -> under German law. WE KNOW, WE KNOW. Dear Germany, you might want to work on getting cannibalism outlawed, but first, please do something about those "kaviar" videos. They're much grosser than any of the cannibalism snuff films I've seen. -> Police have long feared that the Meiwes case would weaken the -> taboo against eating human flesh. I heard that the Gardenburger people have been secretly developing a new seasoning that makes a cellulose patty taste exactly like human flesh, instead of exactly like a steak. -> Meiwes was convicted of manslaughter, but recently the German -> Appeals Court decided that there should be a re-trial, in which -> the State will try again to win a conviction for murder. -> -> The defence team said yesterday that they would try to have Herr -> Meyer sent to a psychiatric clinic for an extended period. Seems like a long way to send someone just to get an ellipsis. -> Details of a 105-page psychiatric report have been leaked to the -> press. Herr Meyer told the examining doctor that he had -> fantasies, even in his prison cell while awaiting trial, of -> viciously attacking his fellow inmates. If it ever becomes illegal to fantasize about beating people to death, the whole German film industry's going to collapse. Or worse, they'll all just switch to making only kaviar videos. -> The dossier shows that Herr Meyer started to have cannibal -> fantasies at the age of 25. Two years ago he started to -> advertise on the internet for potential victims. One read: -> "Looking for slim man, round about 30, to be roasted." "Signed, Dean Martin." I bet he's the only person ever to have masturbated to "The King Of Comedy" when Sandra Bernhard wrapped Jerry Lewis in duct tape. -> Police estimate from internet exchanges that there are 204 -> Germans ready to be slaughtered to feed a cannibal, 13 are ready -> to watch such an act and 29 would like to eat a human being. The -> trial will continue next week. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's not possible for more Germans to want to be the murder victim instead of the murderer. This is because not all Germans want to be murder victims. So 29 want to kill, but only 13 are willing to watch it happen? What, are the German police now on the lookout for blindfolded murderers stumbling around like Mr. Magoo except with a funny accent? -- K. I miss the Wursthaus. I need a schnitzel. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 20:07:29 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Even if you think it would be funny, do not yell in Arabic at the > security screeners at the airport, that is unless you LIKE the feel > of latex on your anus. So was it as good as you were hoping? -- K. And why is it that occasionally you people make me feel like I _have_ an internal censor? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:32:56 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > > > Even if you think it would be funny, do not yell in Arabic at the > > > security screeners at the airport, that is unless you LIKE the feel > > > of latex on your anus. > > > > So was it as good as you were hoping? > > HUSH NOW(TM) > > I think I might be a bottom, You misspelled "ass". KA-ZING!!!!! > but you are never going to find out with that attitude. I'm not even going to ask whether you're trying to convince us you're a catamite or a submissive. Besides, we already know your real secret. Everyone can tell you're desperately waving your hands and jumping up and down and screaming about how gay you are just try to make us not notice you're an al-Qaeda terrorist. And trust me, you're a terrorist. I know. I've been in the elevator with them. Your deception was revealed when, a few months ago, you tried to learn the hankie code. No actual gay person uses the hankie code. It's the same way that no gay people were ever consulted regarding that which-side- the-earring-goes-on thing that all straight people think means something. If you're trying to pass as gay just to stay out of Guantanamo, you'll need to do three things: (1) call yourself "Timothy" instead of "Tim", (2) get either a fluffy cat or a dog smaller than any cat, and (3) stop with attempting to explain your sexuality with "I think I might be a ________" 'cause that's the same as a big neon sign flashing VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN TERRORIST VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN, and you don't want to know what they do to virgins in Guantanamo. So what city are you going to blow up? I hear Florida's very explodable this time of year... -- K. Why do you hate America, you lousy hetero? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:38:23 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: $2000 for Jar Jar? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I saw a life-sized replica of Jar Jar TIMtim DON'Tdon't TAKEtake ANYany MOREmore OFof THEthe BROWNbrown ACIDacid! > advertised for $2000 in the trading post (http://www.tradingpost.com.au) > I do remember seeing one selling for $500 which is almost cheap enough > to buy and send to someone as a prank. An even funnier prank would be if you sent them the $2000 one, especially if you sent it with a receipt to make it returnable. You know where to find me. -- K. Dooooo youuuuu feeeeel boxed innnnnn aaaand spaaaaaaced ouuuuuut? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 21:59:25 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.4 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00, MANY_EXCLAMATIONS autolearn=no version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > ANY WAY YOU WANT IT > THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT > ANY WAY YOU WANT IT I want it quiet in here. That's the way I want it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Or is that a different song? I can't keep up with you kids these days and your crazy rock-and-rap music. Why can't you just listen to good music like "Sing Along With Mitch"? That bouncing ball is hilarious! -- K. How do they train it to do that? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 08 May 2005 22:28:07 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Things not to do Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Your deception was revealed when, a few months ago, you tried to learn > > the hankie code. No actual gay person uses the hankie code. > > But those slap-bracelets that junior high schoolers use to arrange > sexual activities, those are real, right? No, those are mostly just petting and dry humping. > Just like when I grew up and we used soda pull-tabs? Eww. Pervert. I don't want to find out what scars they left. -- K. I hear you get a free dialysis machine if you damage your kidneys doing that. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 01:46:06 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Fear of? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > What do you call a fear of falling onto a still-hot George Foreman grill > and getting grill marks on your face? Why, are you hoping for a second chance at that job? Eagle Leather just called. They say that yes, in order to get the job you have to kiss a g-r-i-l. Something about proving that you're pansexual, or at least an appliancexual. -- K. And it's not a George Foreman grill. It won't make marks on your FACE because it's a George ForeBLANK grill. (Moog music plays in a loop forever until Brett stops yelling "OH I GOT IT, OH I GOT IT!") Brett Somers: "Fore... GOLF?" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 14:23:57 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls3.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Seeing as how you're all so birlliant and stuff. We are stout-hearted, birly men. > So I have this game, on the PS2, and there is a very pleasant little ditty > in the game that I should like to purchase. The company who makes the game > (Acclaim) is now bankrupt, due to a lawsuit by those blasted Olsen twins. I > googled the game (Legends of Wrestling 2), and there's tons of reviews, but > no soundtrack listing. The credits for the game scroll waaaaaaaaay too fast > to read the name of the song or even the band. What, you don't have a VCR that can record, pause, and slo-mo? You should get in the habit of videotaping all your game-playing so you'll have proof for all those world records you break, like me. You could also try learning to read faster. Here, I'll help you practice: Hurryupandreadthissentencewhoopstoolateyoufellbehindsonow you'vegotdetentionforawholeweeknexttothestinkykidwhokeepstalkingabout GIJoefictureseventhoughheapparentlyisn'tallowedtoownanyofthem. > I tried searching Puretracks and other online music sources for some > of the more prevalent lyrics in the song, to no avail. I even tried > posting to wrestling newsfroups, and nobody knows. If you really want to see newsgroups where nobody knows, try a WebTV wrestling newsgroup. Most of those people can't remember the recipe for Doritos. (Opening a bag is hard!) > How can I find the name of this song?!?!?!? Ask the Olsen twins. By the way, they've said you can't call them "the Olsen twins" any more. They're individuals with their own complete non-talents. So you can't say "The Olsen twins are untalented", you have to say "Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen are, individually, untalented and untalented." You could also try Googling. The reviews mention the band Saliva, "Headstrong" by Trapt and "Get Away" by Earshot. But everyone says you're a sucker for not getting the XBox version which lets you listen to your own CDs while playing the game. That's not possible with the PS2 version, which sends out rays destroying every Discman or iPod in your home. So how do you like the game? Did the programmers put the right amount of duct tape on Andy's Kaufman's crotch? Of course, I've been asking that about every game for the past ten years, but this is the first time I don't sound crazy. -- K. Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 17:30:49 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@WORLD.STD.COM) To: kibo@WORLD.STD.COM Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls4.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Chris Lansdell (clansdell@nf.sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So how do you like the game? Did the programmers put the right amount > > of duct tape on Andy's Kaufman's crotch? > > It's good, but lacking in some ways that I consider essential for a good > wrestling game. The storylines are unsurpassed, but the moves in the > create-a-wrestler function are severely limited, and this is the most > important thing for me. The soundtrack is not as bad as the reviews say. > Also, Baron von Raschke vs Kerry von Erich! Andy Kaufman is playable in > several costumes, including one with a spaceman's helmet. Yes, but if you try to have him wrestle a man, does get get all upset and snippy about how he only wrestles women? Does he come up with any clever explanations this time other than just hoping you won't notice he's wearing his trunks over long johns over half a roll of duct tape to conceal his Frontal Frottage Unit? Does this digital Andy think that nobody will notice his comedy is just a cover for his perversions? Hmm, I should do more standup. > > Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off > > to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! > > Well, you have the mask. WAAH THIS ISN'T A MASK!!! STOP MAKING FUN OF THE NINTH-DEGREE BURNS FROM MY MASONIC INITIATION!!! AND MY TERRIBLE EGG ZIMA!!! I WAS TRYING TO DRINK IT AND IT MISSED MY MOUTH!!! CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED!!! -- K. Okay, I'm kidding. I'm actually wearing a mask because my real face is so handsome that were I to reveal my face in public, it would make mere mortals fall to their knees and weep, and I took a vow to keep our nation's sidewalks dry. Also, masks are cool because they look like stuff, while faces don't look like anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 19:50:31 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: I come to you for advice, oh Kibologists Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls2.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Me, I'm a Mexican wrestler. YO SOY EL KIBO! Now I'm off > > to fight crimes committed by Aztec mummies! > > The other day, my son and I were talking about a local restaurant called > The Mayan, which is set up like a tropical jungle, complete with water > fall, cliff divers and animitronic parrots. Also, their food is completely > unexciting and overpriced tex-mex. So it's exactly like Rainforest Cafe except I bet they changed that hideous frog on their sign just enough to avoid a lawsuit. Like, maybe he has two butts and no head instead of the other way around. > We decided if we had a loads o' money, we would open a similar restaurant, > except with good food and a big, honkin' Mexican Wrestling ring in it, > instead of the waterfall. Who wouldn't want to enjoy a tasty meal and > watch Santo vs. various Mexican wrestlers/mummies/etc. (or El Kibo)? So, you've invented Kaiju Dinnre Theatre? I call dibs on being the most geometric of the creatures so I can be on stickers all over Boston. -- K. And how does Batman fit in? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 09 May 2005 23:50:13 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.63 (2004-01-11) on pcls1.std.com X-Spam-Level: X-Spam-Status: No, hits=-4.8 required=3.0 tests=AWL,BAYES_00 autolearn=ham version=2.63 X-Categorized-By-Kibo: From-Kibo In sci.space.history, David Findlay (david@davsoft.com.au) wrote: > > I went to a lecture by Mark Shuttleworth, and he mentioned the Russian's > have a special chair that spins or something which they use to test certain > physiological things, and that will eventually make everyone vomit. Anyone > know the name of it, have details or diagrams, or know where I might be > able to find one? I can think of plenty of cheaper ways to make yourself vomit. For five bucks, I'll send you a DVD of "Baby Geniuses 2" soaked in Syrup Of Ipecac, on a slightly used White Castle bun. (For four dollars, I'll send you two.) And if you want to vomit for free, I can help you with that, but you'll still have to pay my plane fare to whatever vacant lot you want to do this in. -- K. And if you're still interested in a Russian Vomit Chair, may I also interest you in a geniune American Urine Swimming Pool? (Just add kids and wait.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Sad Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 02:09:14 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Darla Vladschyk (Darla4695@Gmail.com) wrote: > > > > Thanks, Nicko! > > > > You *invented* cool. > > > > -=D=- > > (or was that Karlo?) > > Naw. I killed cool. Cool is lying in my shower stall, bleeding from > multiple orifices. In about an hour, I will cut cool into smaller > pieces, wrap it in plastic garbage bags, and throw the pieces in the > dumpster behind the Tiki Wok Chinese Restaurant. Don't forget the part about painting your van to look like an ice cream truck but with all the "S"s backwards. > I'd avoid ordering the Mongolian Beef at Tiki Wok for a week or so. But Mongolian Beef is delicious! Hurry up and kill another personification of an abstract concept because I'm hungry. -- K. We should double date. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Toilet Bowl Restaurant Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 21:57:11 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Arrgh FLASHBACK. Many many many moons ago I was eating in a chinese > restaurant and had to go to the toilet. I misread the direction sign and > went to the staff toilet by mistake. Upon lifting the toilet seat I saw > how they managed to keep their mung beans fresh. I left without paying > and have a deep aversion to mung beans. Just because they made a mumb mecision where to meposit the mung beans? -- K. Since when do Chinese restaurants have separate "staff toilets"? Most of the ones in Chinatown only have one toilet, and it's in the basement of the building across the alley. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The man in black in Charlie's bar Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 22:11:25 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > > > John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > [rip-roaring World War II action-adventure two-fisted tale of danger] > > > > John, I'm afraid that you're going to have to post a story like this > > every month. > > That'd be lovely. At any rate more frequently than > The Special Show, which is the other reason to read > this newsgroup. But then he'd have to start another twelve World War IIs every year, and we're already all out of Hitlers! So instead, I hereby promise to you, the viewers of the American Internet Which Won World War II All By Itself: ON THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH ("the first" being legally defined as any date between the 28th and 7th, or within two weeks of those dates either way) I WILL HEREBY POST SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT AND SPECIAL ("special" may not include "The! Special! Show!" and may, in fact, include things that are merely weird and disturbing that are not intended solely for the entertainment of mental patients the way "The! Special! Show!" is.) Anyway, at the start of every month, I will write something new. And I will let most of you see it! (Some of you may be informed that you will have to cover your screen with an opaque tea towel, whatever a tea towel is. Note: No transparent tea towels.) ALSO! On the 15th! Or about the 15th! Or any other time that's not the 1st! I will post an apology! To the families of anyone who was killed by the overdose of wonderfulness contained within my whatever-it-was of the 1st! -- K. NO REFUNDS. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 22:47:25 -0400 In sci.space.history and alt.religion.kibology, Chuck Stewart (zapkitty@gmx.co.uk) wrote: > > Relax. They're not hostile... they're Kibologists. That's the nicest thing everyone ever said about me. DAMMIT, NOW I CAN'T BE HOSTILE!!! > And the vomit chair would seem to be a natural for that group :) Why? Just because I am rumored to toughen myself up by sleeping on a bed of nails each of which is connected to a different model of KGB surplus vacuum-tube-powered stun gun is no reason to assume that I would OW OW OW OW OW sorry, the bed just went off, what was the question you were asking? Anyway, in answer to the question you were probably asking, no, I don't know where to buy a Russian Vomit Chair, and I've checked everywhere. (The clerks at the Hallmark store were very rude.) I do know some people who could build one for you. If you need a price quote, I can ask a local dungeon master. Note: Be sure to hire a real dungeon master and not a "Dungeons & Dragons" dungeon master, otherwise you'd just get a Fake Vomit Chair, which would be a regular chair with some lumpy yellow rubber glued to it. (If lumpy yellow rubber _is_ what you want, I suggest you try Ikea.) -- K. What's the difference between an American Vomit Chair and a Russian Vomit Chair? And how come neither country ever strapped Yakov Smirnoff into one? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.space.history,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Russian Vomit Chair Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:12:23 -0400 In sci.space.history and alt.religion.kibology, Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Do vomit chairs have to be installed in vomitoriums or can they be used > in living/family rooms as well? Usually they're only sold in wholesale lots of 20, which is why you only see them at Denny's. I know what you're thinking, but no, they don't make people sit on them. They don't give their customers chairs which are that comfortable. Denny's cuts the faux vinyl upholstery off the vomit chairs to make their fried "eggs" for the Grand Slam Breakfast With Real Gut-Punching Agony And Explosive Intestinal Residue. Anyway, in addition to vomit chairs, other furniture-based ingredients used by Denny's include B.O. sofas, scabies love seats, and loose stools. -- K. To say nothing of the belch wallpaper. (It only belches if you ever look at it, so just keep your eyes closed.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What's Pee-Wee Herman doing... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 01:05:36 -0400 As you may know, I have my super-sophisticated clipping service (aka Google) alerting me to any news stories that mention "Pee-wee Herman", because news articles mentioning "Pee-wee Herman" are never actually about Pee-wee Herman but are instead about anything weird being compared to him. Here's a Pee-wee sighting near Toronto. [www.theglobeandmail.com] -> -> Police hunt Pee Wee Herman gang -> -> 'Extremely dangerous' group wanted for assault, kidnapping in -> Scarborough -> -> By James Rusk -> -> Toronto Police said yesterday that they are looking for a gang -> who invaded a Scarborough home late last year, tortured an -> innocent businessman and then kidnapped his mother, a -> 59-year-old cancer victim undergoing chemotherapy, holding her -> hostage until her son came up with a ransom. Being tortured by Pee-wee Herman? I can only imagine the horrors. Give me a few days and I'll write the whole story. I call dibs on writing "I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman". I'm not sure whether it will star Spot, Einstein, Potsie, or Batman... but I'll wager it will prominently feature a character named "Cattleproddy". -> "They are extremely dangerous. Look what they did to this fellow -> here," said Detective Sergeant Wilf Townley of the holdup squad -> as he pointed to photos of large, red burn marks all over the -> man's body that were made by a heated knife blade while he was -> being tortured. It was the guy's own fault for not playing along when Pee-wee said "When you hear the secret word, SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -> The police did not identify the victims in order to protect -> their safety while the gang is still at large. -> -> Det. Sgt. Townley told reporters police have dubbed the gang the -> Pee Wee Herman Crew because its leader resemble actor Paul -> Reubens, who won fame as television's Pee Wee Herman. The gang -> is "a band of real bad jerks that have committed a bad robbery," -> he said. Looking for criminals who are also jerks. Well, that narrows it down. I guess Sir David Niven as The Phantom can be ruled out, leaving only 99.999999% of all other criminals. -> Although the kidnapping took place last Dec. 14, police did not -> go public about the crime because they felt they would be able -> to identify the criminals from DNA samples they left behind in -> the victims' single-family home. Other evidence consisted of some small round spots. Police are trying to connect them to the case while chanting "CONNECT THE DOTS, LA-LA-LA-LA, CONNECT THE DOTS, LA-LA-LA-LA!!!" -> "We were hoping we would get something from the DNA but it takes -> so long to do it. We just got the DNA back, and because we've -> been unsuccessful with the DNA, we have to . . . try and get -> help from the public and the media," Det. Sgt. Townley said. Why not make a wish? I'm sure Jambi could help solve the case, if he's not busy with his new hands. "Now only the criminals in the audience repeat after me: Mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-heinie-ho!" -> The officer said the 32-year-old male victim, who owns a number -> of businesses, was having lunch with his mother when a gang of -> four or five males, all armed with handguns, pushed their way -> into the house after he answered the door. -> -> They demanded $1-million from him. I'd think that if he needed that much money, Pee-wee could have just mugged The King Of Cartoons for his king-bling. Plus, there were two different Kings Of Cartoons, so he could do it again in the second season. -> "This man was tortured. He was kicked and beaten. A knife was -> heated on the stove, and . . . he was burned several times all -> over the body with the knife in an effort to get him to tell -> them where the money was in the house. After one hour -> [ransacking the house], they discovered that there was -> absolutely no money in the house." Lesson learned: Torturing people can't cause millionaires to become stupid enough to travel back in time and put a bunch of cash under their mattress. -> The mother was taken from the house and the assailants told the -> son he could get her back alive if he paid a ransom of $100,000. -> -> He was able to raise between $70,000 and $80,000, which he -> dropped at a pre-arranged spot at a roti shop in the Bellamy -> Road and Lawrence Avenue area, where it was picked up by a -> woman, whose first name may be Susan, he said. THE LAST TENTH OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST MONTY PYTHON SKETCH "Do you have any naan?" "No, sir, this is a roti shop." "Do you have any poori?" "No, sir, this is a roti shop." "Do you have any roti?" "We're all out of roti, sir." (John Cleese tortures the clerk with a butter knife.) -> Once the money was picked up, the mother was released in a -> factory area of Etobicoke. "She had to walk several blocks, -> where she came to a main street and was able to hail a cab and -> made her way home by cab." -> -> The police investigation has found that the Scarborough family -> were not the only ones hit by the gang and that there are other -> similar robberies being done throughout Toronto and the GTA. -> -> "They are not being reported because the actual victims are -> criminals themselves. They are doing the same type of robbery, -> except they are doing them against members of the underworld," -> he said. "Pee-wee Vs. The Mob"! I was going to call dibs on that movie title, but I think that in the last five minutes, Takashi Miike has already shot the first half of it. (Starring Takeshi Kitano as Pee-wee, Tadanobu Asano as Cowboy Curtis, and Shintaro Katsu as Blindy The Window Blind.) -> One of the gang's favourite targets is high-end drug dealers, -> but they also rob those who they believe have money because they -> committed a robbery. -> -> And, he said, it might be easier for the gang if they end up in -> the hands of the police rather than some of their victims. "[If] -> some of these other guys get them, they would probably get worse -> punishment than they would from us." Maybe we can get Miike to do it as a six-hour mini-series. (I just got all six hours of "MPD Psycho" on DVD. Nyah.) -> No one has been killed by the gang, but Det. Sgt. Townley said -> he is concerned. "If something comes along and they know the -> person has money and they don't pay up, I don't know whether -> we'll find a body some day or not. I can't say what they'll do." So that why nobody's seen Fran! Cis! Bux! Ton! -> (c) Copyright 2005 Bell Globemedia Publishing Inc. All Rights Reserved. What? (Kibo puts on a giant rubber ear.) WHAT? WHAT? -- K. They'll finally be releasing a good DVD of "The Jerk" soon. Maybe that means we'll start seeing crimes commited by childlike idiots with white hair and black eyebrows. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 05:29:35 -0400 Yesterday, I wrote: > > [www.theglobeandmail.com] > -> > -> Police hunt Pee Wee Herman gang > -> > -> Toronto Police said yesterday that they are looking for a gang > -> who invaded a Scarborough home late last year, tortured an > -> innocent businessman and then kidnapped his mother [...] > > Being tortured by Pee-wee Herman? I can only imagine the horrors. > > Give me a few days and I'll write the whole story. I call dibs on > writing "I Was Tortured To Death By Pee-wee Herman". I WAS TORTURED TO DEATH BY PEE-WEE HERMAN by West Virginia Frappe Dear diary and therefore gentle reader who is illegally peeking at this my secret diary, I was born Adam West before I changed my name to West Virginia Frappe in order to avoid confusion between me and some guy who isn't really famous either. I am a white male and I am all grown up even though my psychiatrist says I am wrong about that and my thesaurus says I know lots of big words. I was riding my car to work yesterday when Pee-wee Herman pounced on me by springing on me. "Rawr!" he spoke. "Oh no, a Pee-wee Herman incident is transpiring!" I ejaculated. But while I stopped to do that, he mistakenly sailed past me and missed and came back. He grabbed me where I now hurt really bad. "Stop that, Pee-wee! I am not the real Adam West!" I rejaculated. Pee-wee was dumbfounded in the present. "Whoops!" he sadly dejaculated. "I made a mistake! Now I must take you prisoner and make you disappear so that nobody ever finds out! Also I meant to do this!" Then he tied me up in his basement all the way across town. "Ow," I said when the rope burned my wrists where I couldn't chew through. Pee-wee had a high-voltage fork in his hand. Zap! Zap! Zappity, zappity, zap zap zap! "Ow," I reaffirmed. "I am torturing you because you are an innocent businessman," Pee-wee hissed facially. He pressed the fork against the inside of my flesh and blood went out all over. I tried to punch his stupid face like DOOSH! DOOSH! DOOSH! but I forgot my arms were tied down until later. He tortured me with the fork until he stopped and then he started all over but different with a sharpened Fudgicle stick. "Please stop torturing me," I screamed except not so polite. Pee-wee did not stop relentlessly. I thought my head would explode when Pee-wee blew up a grenade in my ear. It sounded like BOOM! but louder and hurtier. There was no way out of Pee-wee's secret basement of iniquitous torture and general mayhem within this land of ghoulish bad attitude. But still he wanted to torture me even though I was now dead. "Stop, stop," I said while the grenade was exploding. But it was too late. I died then and there and that was it. Pee-wee kept torturing me. THE END! P.S. Please put my story in the newspaper to make sure it's true. -- K. I like it when I can write in a style that lets me unhinge my brain. Thank you, Evil Pee-wee. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Anyone for the Museum Of Science this weekend? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 02:22:38 -0400 Heya, It's time for another of my periodic visits to the Museum Of Science. (The one accessible by Boston's rapid-transit system, not one of the many other fine museums of physics and corporate propaganda.) They've got their butterfly room open for the first time. I was thinking of going Sunday around lunchtime, probably staying until 5 (closing time.) Anyone want to join me? If so, send mail and and I'll coordinate times and places. We could do dinner afterwards, someplace cheap in Chinatown. Warning: I may heckle the electricity guy if he won't let me put my tongue on the Tesla coils. -- K. If it's the same guy as last time, I should wear a T-shirt saying "ALL DOCTORS AGREE YOU SHOULD DRINK EIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Anyone for the Museum Of Science this weekend? Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:38:05 -0400 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > save a little science museum of science energy for august, will ya? > last time, I had to go to the museum ALONE! Dear Talysman Two-Space The Ur-Beatle, I always have energy for the Museum of Science, especially the kind that makes lightning. I go there way too often for someone who doesn't have a membership. 'Cause I never get tired of complaining about all the out-of-date labels on the exhibits in "Mathematica". I mean, when even your science museum's _math_ section is out-of-date, the place becomes a source of limitless complaining. And complaining is even more powerful than lightning, even though it does nothing to curators! This is because they smell like outdated cheese. Anyway, I'm allowed to go again in August if there are no important Real Life events which clobber that date, like if I'm dead or something. Even so, I'd probably still put in my will that I'd want to be hit by some of those big lightning bolts to see if I could turn into a Frankenkibo. -- K. In a week or two they'll take out the butterflies and put in some lame brain exhibit. Probably won't even have a _living_ jar-brain. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New trends in Kibological Dining Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:45:22 -0400 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > I just read a great article on "Avant Cuisine", a wacky new style of dining > from Spain, that's attempting to establish a foothold here in the US. > > [www.nytimes.com] > -> > -> Sci-Fi Cooking Tries Dealing With Reality > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> "We could take that bacon strip and lay it on a plate, but it would be > -> lifeless," Mr. Achatz said. "It would be dead. You hang it on something > -> that sways and it becomes alive. It becomes interactive. It becomes > -> sculpture." Oh, come on, name me one type of bacon that _isn't_ already a beautiful sculpture. Those mottled red-brown and golden-brown zebra stripes... Those rollercoaster curves... The glistening crust of fried oil and recrystallized salt. Bacon is one of the most beautiful foods there is. It's the animal kingdom's version of sushi. I'm not paying any restaurant to feed me one bacon strip, no matter what it's dangling from. Especially if it's dangling from what I think it's dangling from. -- K. Come on, _all_ food is interactive, unless it's behind glass in the Museum Of Science. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: P. G. Wodehouse (was Re: The man in black in Charlie's bar) Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 15:52:57 -0400 [on not being wild about P.G. Wodehouse, whoever she is] Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > I am, in effect, about to submit my resignation from the Cool Table > > (assuming I was ever seated there): > > Sorry, we put glue on the chairs, so your ass is permanently part of the > Cool Table. If the rest of you manages to get away like the three-legged > mouse mentioned in that other thread, that's fine, but your ass is ours. So you're expecting him to grow an extra leg so he can thrash around with the New Glue Trap Style Cool Table stuck to him all night while he screams "EEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE!" at the top of his lungs? I'd pay to see that, but I'd also pay not to have to listen to it, so the two sort of cancel each other out so go ahead and do it for me for free. > > Verdict: Amusing, but if this is representative of Wodehouse > > I think Wodehouse is funnier read than listened to, but I admit I found > parts of Wodehouse's prose funny that weren't intended to be funny. Even though she wrote the BBC all those letters that got "Doctor Who" cancelled? > > Go ahead, kill me now. > > No. We're saving you for bait. Oh, and anything you hear about giant > maneating squids is just rumor. I'm sleepy, so the first time I read that it said "giant marinating squids" and now I'm worried about calamari attacking people with squirt bottles of Newman's Own Italian dressing. With a creepily smiling picture of Squid Paul Newman on the label. -- K. How come he never cooks anything requiring any skill? It's not like it's hard to come up with a recipe for spaghetti sauce. You buy a tanker truck of tomato sauce, add a sprinkle of dried parsley, and ship out a tanker truck of gourmet spaghetti sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 16:02:35 -0400 Karlo X (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > Shit, Karlo, I LIVED during the entire bubble-gum era! I gots more > > earworms boring into my brain than Bill Gates has pennies! I even have > > DISCO!!1! aNd It BuRnS! > > And you think I just fell off the fucking turnip truck yesterday like > some multiply-pierced twentynothing Starbucks barista? Depends. Do you wear vegan pleather? The kids these days, they don't know how lucky they have it. The clubs now play this amelodic, _arhythmic_ noise. My local club has a different DJ every night of the week but they all seem to have the same two CDs. One ends with a cacophonous build-up to a ten-second-long grinding noise. The other ends with a solid thirty seconds of microphone squealing, immediately followed by five seconds of silence, followed by ten more seconds of even louder microphone squealing. This is music designed to be as irritating as possible, but those same qualities also make it non-earwormable due to its utter lack of any musical quality whatsoever. I put up with it because, hey, at least it's instrumental. I find instrumental grinding noises less irritating than anything involving singing. But that's just my auditory agnosia talking. Music with singing makes me cringe. I should be a musician. I have no talent or ability whatsoever. I bet I could come up with stuff that's even less enjoyable than the grinding-noise torture CD if that's what people want, because people are idiots and should be exploited. -- K. I suggesting they should have a "quiet night" at the club so that people can actually talk to other people, but no, so we all wind up standing outside where it's much more enjoyable. It's quiet, it's breezy instead of stifling, people can smoke, and even at midnight, it's less dark outside. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: worst earworm EVAR !!1!!1!! Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 22:45:34 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suggesting they should have a "quiet night" at the club > > so that people can actually talk to other people, but no, > > so we all wind up standing outside where it's much more > > enjoyable. It's quiet, it's breezy instead of stifling, > > people can smoke, and even at midnight, it's less dark outside. > > One day I attended a birthday party at GameWorks. The birthday girl is > fond of clubbing. > > And it was the first time I stayed at an arcade until closing. And when > it closed, a bunch of lights I didn't know about turned on, and suddenly > you could see the entire arcade. And the birthday girl remarked that this > was how they cleared people out of clubs, too -- by turning on the lights > so everyone sees what everyone else looks like and runs and hides. Yeah, it's like the movie just ended and the ushers are coming around shoving flashlights into your eye sockets -- the club instantly goes from Too Goddamn Dark to Annoyingly Bright. I wish that between last call and closing they could bring the lights up to a comfortable level so that you could have fifteen minutes of normal vision. Most of the light in my local club normally comes from the screen of a video golf game nobody ever plays. It's the one where the trackball has "A B C 1 2 3" around it and to hit the ball straight you have to look on the chart that says that to do "straight" you have to roll the ball to "B" then "3" which is to the right then to the back and left, or something else equally arbitrary, even more arbitrary than regular golf. It also costs 75c to play three holes. I have only ever seen anyone even attempting to play it once. Usually there's one third of a credit in it, though, since people seem to think it would be worth playing if it took a single quarter. The attract mode consists of pictures of skinny blonde females because apparently there's no switch they can flip to turn the machine gay enough to be in that club. Also, it's _golf_. Really should be an Indiana Jones game or something. > Insightful. I love any word that contains the string "ghtf". Anyway, lately I tend to be the brightest thing in the club, for many reasons. -- K. Now let's make up some more words with "ghtf". "Look out! Darth Vader is filling in his SAT answer sheet with his #2 lightfaber!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 16:11:23 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Kibo will laugh at me as this is just screening in Austria right now, > but I am also going to watch a Clockwork Orange at 10pm on SBS > (probably not cut that much as they did show all of "Tie Me Up, > Tie Me Down", "Sword of Vengeance" and many others without cuts.) It better be letterboxed. And really, really wide. "A Clockwork Orange", like many of Kubrick's films, is wholly composed around an extra-wide canvas. Just as with "2001", pan-and-scan destroys all the compositions. If it's not letterboxed, rent the DVD instead, you'll be much happier. (You're talking to someone who went out of his way to get the old transfer of "Dr. Strangelove" which keeps switching between two aspect ratios because that's the way Kubrick told them to do it. The moment he died they cut the top and bottom off all the airplane scenes to reissue it.) You want a Kubrick film that was designed to be shown on TV, go get a copy of "Eyes Wide Shut", which he filmed open-matte to make it TV-ready. The DVD has a big disclaimer explaining that he really did want the DVD to be full-frame-only. But that was after he went extra-insane, so it's a trade-off. -- K. But I just got the second "Sledge Hammer!" season set which starts with "A Clockwork Sledge". The disc has a nice pastiche of the "Clockwork Orange" poster art. Except no rolling eyeball. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 18:51:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You want a Kubrick film that was designed to be shown on TV, go > > get a copy of "Eyes Wide Shut", which he filmed open-matte to make > > it TV-ready. The DVD has a big disclaimer explaining that he really > > did want the DVD to be full-frame-only. But that was after he went > > extra-insane, so it's a trade-off. > > He did the same thing with The Shining. I donut gettit. So should i > break down and buy The Shining formatted for TV? My view of "open-matte" films is that they look good either letterboxed or full-frame, as long as the director was shooting them to be adaptible to both. Kubrick seems to have preferred the full-frame version of "Eyes Wide Shut", and James Cameron has said the same thing about "The Abyss" (shot in a similar process called "Super 35"), though not every ordinary open-matte film works. Some others are composed mainly with an eye towards theatrical showing, with some additional image above and below the letterbox frame but not enough to go all the way to the top and bottom, so for TV they still have to be cropped down somewhat otherwise things like boom mikes start appearing. (Everyone complains about the boom mikes in TV prints of "Sleeper".) Given how little Kubrick through of TV -- especially because his films had such slow, deliberate pacing to build tension, exactly the sort of thing that is completely ruined when you splice in commercials every ten minutes -- it's a little odd that he composed some of his films to work well on TV. ("2001" and "A Clockwork Orange" are notable exceptions.) He made some movies which are utterly dependent on widescreen, and others which had TV in mind. "Dr. Strangelove" is the real oddity. Parts of it were shot in the "Academy" aspect ratio (similar to the shape of a 4x3 TV screen) and parts were shot to be shown widescreen (similar to the shape of a 16x9 TV.) The War Room scenes are widescreen, and the interiors and exteriors of Major Kong's bomber are narrowscreen. At first I wondered if Kubrick just upgraded to widescreen part way through production, but the the special effects shots must have been done last, and all those plane exteriors are framed to make it obvious that they were intended to be shown narrowscreen. (When shown in theaters, the top and bottom are cut off, and then most TV prints take that and also cut off the left and right, so that the plane doesn't even fit on the screen.) But some of the interior shots have little flaws (internal lens reflections, etc.) above or below the "safe" area for letterboxing, indicating that maybe those scenes were designed to be cropped to widescreen. And the War Room scenes are clearly composed only for widescreen, with people standing very far apart. The one DVD transfer of "Dr. Strangelove" that Kubrick officially approved of, shortly before he died, switches back and forth between the two aspect ratios, so it's possible that he did want different scenes to be framed differently. (It's not the only time a director has tried something like that for its effect -- Douglas Trumbull originally intended "Brainstorm" to switch between 35mm and "ShowScan" footage whenever a hallucination happened, and the long version of "Superman" has that really wonderful black-and-white prologue on the little screen surrounded by curtains before the bright blue widescreen titles blast past the edges of that frame.) The current "40th Anniversary" version of "Dr. Strangelove" has the top and bottom of the plane scenes cut off, but that's still better than the older versions which have the top, bottom, left, _and_ right cut off. The real reason for the most recent change is probably not merely "Kubrick is dead, so screw him, we're going to chop up his plane scenes so people stop complaining about the fuzzy black bars at the top and bottom of the War Room scenes" but more "People who buy Stanley Kubrick DVDs probably have fancy 16x9 TVs and if we don't chop up the plane scenes, the War Room scenes will be really tiny." Here, I'll diagram this weirdness because I like typing rectangles... Typical old TV version of "Dr. Strangelove" on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ | | | | | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped top, bottom, | | | scene | left, and right with gigantic plane; | | | | War Room scenes cropped left & right +---------------+ +---------------+ Previous "Dr. Stangelove" DVD on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ | | |---------------| | plane scene | | War Room | <-- no scenes cropped; plane has | | | scene | scenery around it | | |---------------| +---------------+ +---------------+ Previous "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 16x9 TV: +-------------------+ +-------------------+ | | | | | +---------------+ | | | plane scene | | | | War Room | | <-- no scenes cropped; plane | | | | | | scene | | has scenery around it | | | | | +---------------+ | but War Room gets small +-------------------+ +-------------------+ Current "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 4x3 TV: +---------------+ +---------------+ |---------------| |---------------| | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped | | | scene | top & bottom |---------------| |---------------| +---------------+ +---------------+ Current "Dr. Strangelove" DVD on a 16x9 TV: +-------------------+ +-------------------+ | | | | | plane scene | | War Room | <-- plane scenes cropped | | | scene | top & bottom (as in the | | | | original theatrical release) +-------------------+ +-------------------+ To sum up, I don't think "The Shining" is better or worse in either a full-frame or letterboxed transfer -- I think it was designed to survive that. "2001" and "A Clockwork Orange" were designed for widescreen only, and "Dr. Strangelove" was designed to be shown only in Nardac Blefuscu's Martian multiplex on a rubber screen that could stretch and shrink between scenes. -- K. Nardac Blefuscu, as I'm sure everyone knows, was the original director of "Dr. Strangelove" before he got fired and replaced by that even weirder guy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 04:51:40 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (webmaster@timchuma.com) wrote: > > FIDELIO! Tim, stop it. You're not getting the job, no matter how sexually adventurous you want other people to think you are. People who are truly sexually adventurous don't advertise how kinky they are. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch a romantic movie with my wife. -- K. ANTA, ODELI, UTA! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Clockwork Potsie... Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 22:59:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I have bought The Shining and 2001 in the format they were intended. You have a Cinerama screen in your home? Wow. Do you have one with the enormous geodesic dome, or just one of the little ones? > [...] > > God, where the hell else would I find people who are more into Kubrick > than I and no one thinks its weird. I'm still impressed that nobody responded to my trivia challenge about the name of Nardac Blefuscu's movie company. The answer was "Macro-Galaxy-Meteor". It was on the title screens of a documentary about the extinction of all life on Earth, which was later retitled "Dr. Strangelove" by the time Kubrick and Terry Southern finished making it funny. This was before the pie scene was put _in_, let alone taken out. (You learn more about making movies from reading the rejected draft scripts. That "Dr. Strangelove" draft with Nardac Blefuscu was in my college library, along with a "2001" draft where the last thirty pages or so consisted of a voice-over telling us what Clindar was doing. And, as I've mentioned before, they had rejected _1960's_ "Star Trek" scripts, like "Tomorrow The Universe", where Kirk tricks Hitler by painting a giant swastika on the Enterprise.) -- K. HA HA HITLER, KIRK PUNK'D YOU! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: World's most negligent parents Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 18:03:52 -0400 [abclocal.go.com] -> -> Child with No Name -> -> TUCSON, AZ -- May 11, 2005 -- A couple in Tucson, Arizona is -> making news for refusing to give their child a name. "He won't earn the right to have a name until he kills a man in battle," said the father, Robert Heinlein. Or was that the ancient Spartans? I forget. (I get my exciting manly adventures confused.) -> Andrew Heatley and Mary Lane decided against naming their second -> child when she was born, because they wanted to see what would -> fit her personality. How about "Sad And Neglected"? -> She is 18 months old now, and still nameless. She should start talking about now. I wonder whether her first word will be "Hurryupandnamemeyoucretins". -> For now, they just call her "Baby" or "Bobee" -- a nickname used -> by her big sister, Meah. "Baby", huh? I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. She'll move out the moment she's 18 and legally change her name to something that doesn't suck. Can you imagine being a 17-year-old named "Baby"? Or named "Meah"? Every conversation would have to involve saying "M-E-A-H. No, it doesn't mean anything, except that my parents don't like giving their kids spellable names." "Meah" is an actual name, but only as a last name -- for instance, there's famous sideshow performer Johnny Meah (The Czar Of Bizarre). I'm told it's also the name of some wall in Jerusalem. Great, she's named after an inanimate object. But even so there are millions of better inanimate names: "Settee", "Credenza", "Ukelele", "Habitrail", "Spaghetti", "Cantaloupe", "Gnip-Gnop", "Wonderbra", "Comma", "Ellipsis"... -> Because "Baby" has no legal name, she has no birth certificate, -> no social security number, and cannot be claimed as a tax deduction. I'd love to hear the conversations which will ensue once these parents get off their asses and try to explain to the government that they need a retroactive birth certificate because they forgot to name their baby, who isn't even legally named "Baby". They should at least pick a name for her temporarily so they can get her that Social Security number and then they can call her "031-45-8731" for the rest of her life. They could get her a job assembling chrome police androids that tend to randomly explode. -> (Copyright 2005 by WPVI-TV 6. All rights reserved.) "WPVI-TV 6"! That's a better name for the kid than "Baby". Or how about "All Rights Reserved"? Her nickname would be "Alright!" -- K. How about "My Parents Were Too Negligent To Name Me And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:05:29 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [abclocal.go.com] > > -> > > -> For now, they just call her "Baby" or "Bobee" -- a nickname used > > -> by her big sister, Meah. > > > > I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. > > [...] Can you imagine being a 17-year-old named "Baby"? > > A cow-orker pointed out to me that there's someone at work named Baby. What daycare center do you work at? > I'd list the (presumably) woman's last name as it's much more bizarre > than her (presumably) first name, but much like the funniest joke > ever written it could destroy civilization as we know it if let loose > in the wild. Good, let's do it. Baby Snodgratt Baby Sninklefums Baby Broccoli Buncha Baby Fleeflopwoxiegurpyack Q. Barf Baby Paramecium In Your Pants Baby Geezer Baby Shemelmahayyyymerlalangerlaaaadyyyyy Hates Jerry Lewis Baby Corn With Real Corn Baby Crumple Zone Baby Baby Baby Baby Fartin' Baby Baby Woxicantoleeza Finglepooter Q. Flugumza Baby Andy Rooney Vs. Nicola Tesla Baby Nicola Tesla Vs. Senile Andy Rooney Baby Andy Rooney Vs. Senile Andy Rooney Baby Oooooooooo Baby Mangler Baby Of Baby Your Baby Face Baby "1001 Names For Your Baby" Baby Crubumble Baleen Baby Shmaby Baby What The Hell Kinda Name Is "Europe" Baby Oops Baby Spinach Lung Buster Baby Jock Itch On Mars Baby Gleepflax Dumbo Hellephant Baby Not Hitler Baby Has No Odor Baby Has Hitler Odor Baby Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Baby Gortar The Urinator Baby B. Gone Baby Backribz Baby Adult There. Are we all destroyed now? -- K. I'm glad I was never a baby. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 23:08:23 -0400 TMG (TMG@Nowhere.org) wrote: > > I SWEAR I was recently seated at a table at a cousin's wedding where > there was also seated a very personable guy named "Randy". A couple of > us at the table didn't catch his last name, so when he got up to get a > drink, I checked his placecard. His last name is "Moan". > > His parents named him Randy Moan. They probably named him Randall, but he goes by "Randy Moan" because he wants to prove he's randier than Tony Randall. I heard Tony Randall just fathered another kid even though he died at the age of three hundred. Dick Clark has some catchin' up to do! -- K. Dumb name I just thought up: "Randy Unitard". It's like "Randy" plus "Unit" plus "Tard" plus he's wearing a dance belt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 14:59:23 -0400 Matthew L. Martin (nothere@notnow.never) wrote: > > Former classmate: Ophelia Bussom. Why is it that you get to live in Benny Hill's universe but I can't get in, no matter how hard I smash my head against the TV screen? -- K. Did she ever make prank calls to Moe the bartender where she'd pretend to be named "Jane Normal"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 14:55:24 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > when i was in 4th grade, i had a boy classmate named Gay Miracle [...] That's a perfectly normal name for your classmate, assuming you're 150 years old. But if you were in school with him sometime after the steam engine was invented, maybe his parents were conducting some sort of cruel science experiment to see if they could get they could get in the Guinness Book for "Parents Whose Kid Has Been Beat Up The Most Times". Either that, or they had an eBay auction where they agreed to name their kid after the highest bidder and it was a tie between Ben-Gay and Miracle Whip, two great products that go great together. Fun fact: 150 years ago, the ointment was named after a "Dr. Bengue". He may have made Ben-Gay, but he never made Budweiser. -- K. Besides, "Gay" is a girl's name! A _straight_ girl's name! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: World's most negligent parents Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:04:10 -0400 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I bet these lazy assholes just keep "Baby" as her name forever. > > She'll move out the moment she's 18 and legally change her name > > to something that doesn't suck. Can you imagine being a 17-year-old > > named "Baby"? > > A lady who works in a company I deal with is named "Kisses". Tell me > that is not child abuse. It's the people who give their kid a "funny" name that really bug me. Like, if your last name is Claus, naming your kid "Santa" is _not_ clever. If you are the Lanes, don't name your kid either "Lois" or "Louis". If your last name is Kennedy, don't name your kid "President". Names where the first name rhymes with the last name are also cruel, as are any names containing digits, capitalized schwas, or smileys. > When I was an assistant teacher, some non-student child (I can't > remember why he ended up at the pre-school all the time, when he wasn't a > student there) was named "Savon", which is the name of a discount office > supply store. Maybe his parents saw some movie where Savion Glover played Sammy Davis Jr. after losing his "i". > This thread will go nowhere. THIS THREAD IS GOING TO HELL!!! > Stacia > what the hell kind of name is that? I think you should shorten it to "Cia". And walk around in a black windbreaker with your name on it in six-inch-high white letters so that everyone will respect you because they'll think you're a secret agent. -- K. So what are you going to name your kids? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:15:03 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I am sleeping like, all the time. I got up, had coffee, took a nap, had > brunch, took a nap, got up for 3/4 of The People's COurt, Remind me not to spill any boxes of toothpicks near you. And please, we don't want to know even if you're definitely not wearing your underwear. > had coffee and am ready for another snooze. This has been going on > for about a week. > > My Dr says my antidepressant, which is not antidepressing me, is making > me sleep. So I should take MORE of it. Being in medicine we see this > effect, to get rid of one effect of a drug, give more, like dopamine, > (there is renal dose which improves renal circulation, and high does > which reduces renal circulation). Quick, make an appointment with Dr. Sergei Speransky and his naughty nurse. > I guess I could wake up enough to do some weeding later today, and I > could stay awake if there was something I *had* to do, but I would be > miserable. So I hope this gets better before I go back to work (driving > back Sunday). Not to mention, the antidepressant effect would be > welcome. If you want an excuse for all the sleeping, you can borrow my complete set of "Space: 1999" DVDs. Just pop five of those into your five-disc DVD changer and you'll be forgiven for sleeping all day! > On top of that, I also started cytomel on top of my synthroid in case my > body is not properly converting the synthroid, so I get a nice jolt of > thyroid twice a day. Which, oddly, doesnt wake me up unless you count > the disturbing sound of my heart pounding. The antidepressant has this > effect too. Fun times. What next, dexedrine? Hot sauce. > The bright spot of my week is usually Wed noon med conferences but today > I woke up and said, "eh, rather sleep" and rolled back over. > > Back to bed. > > Marie, whose sleep is "not restorative" Some people try to get "beauty sleep". I try to get "ability-to-exploit- idiots sleep". If you know any idiots, tell them to send me all their possessions. I am now working on getting "ability-to-post-to-a.r.k-in-my-sleep sleep". My dinner is burning. -- K. Start with plain Frank's hot sauce. When you're ready, I can tell you what comes next. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sleep Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 22:30:01 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > I am sleeping like, all the time. I got up, had coffee, took a nap, > > > had brunch, took a nap, got up for 3/4 of The People's COurt, > > > > Remind me not to spill any boxes of toothpicks near you. And please, we > > don't want to know even if you're definitely not wearing your underwear. > > I donut understand. > > Actually I donut want to understand. It sounds eewwwy. Go rent the movie "Rain Man" and then come back and apologize for not getting such an overly familiar pop culture reference. Watch "Rain Man" but don't miss Wapner for it. Wapner in your underwear. Gotta go to K-Mart. HOT WATER BURN WAPNER!!! Don't make me tell my story again about how I used to seize control of the "People's Court" phone-in polls with one call. > > [...] "Space: 1999" > > > > [...] Hot sauce. > > And, no I would rather have a sleeping problem than any Space 1999 or > any hot sauce. Unless it is mustard or horseradish-based. Mustard and horseradish don't work that way. However, eating a lot of them will cause you to secrete extra musk. Believe me, if you're depressed, follow Dr. Speransky's advice WITHOUT HORSERADISH, unless you'd rather be so smelly that people won't notice you're depressed. > > Start with plain Frank's hot sauce. When you're ready, I can tell you > > what comes next. > > No. Hot. Sauce. You can't move on to No Hot Sauce until you've had your Hot Sauce. That's almost a reference to "Alice Through The Looking-Glass" (where Alice can't have more tea because she has no tea) and is definitely not a reference to the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" computer game (where you can only "get the tea" if you first "drop the no tea".) -- K. I like how movies usually take the attitude of "Anybody can count cards when you're playing with just one deck but you'd have to be an Einstein to count cards when playing with eight decks!" It's not as if that makes the task any harder (you still keep the same number of counts in your head, it just lowers the chance of being dealt a hand where a counter would have an advantage.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Inside Out Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:45:31 -0400 Lots42 (Lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Why the inside flea market is cooler then the outside flea market > > Inside: Customers buy things > Outside: Customers do not buy things. > > Inside: Fans on the ceiling > Outside: Hot, unmoving air > > Inside: Scary biker types willing to growl at customers for me are just > twenty feet away. > Outside: Three hundred feet. At the flea market I attend... Well... Let's just say you'd be plenty scared. You'd be scared every five feet or so. > Inside: Next to good bathrooms. > Outside: Next to unstable bathrooms. > > Inside: Am friends with neighboring vendors. > Outside: Neighboring vendors are scary. Again, you wouldn't like the one I go to. > Inside: Ceiling. > Outside: The deadly sun. Dun dun DUNNN. > > Inside: Rain, who cares? > Outside: Oh, shit. Rain. > > Inside: Hot corset girl > Outside: No hot girls of any kind. Well, maybe you would like this one. You could come for the dozens of girls in corsets, and stay for the men in leather kilts. But all the real pirates would laugh at your little plastic pirate hat. -- K. So basically, you don't like fresh air? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mouse Doots! Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:49:14 -0400 Mr. Stabby (control_z@hotmail.com) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I never heard a mouse scream - except when the kitties were playing > > with one. Several kitties and one mousie are not fair odds. > > I think rabbits can scream too, but they don't normally make a peep. Rabbits make a blood-curdling cry that sounds just like a human baby screaming in terror. They're loud and high-pitched and very disturbing. Mice make little mouse shrieks (surprisingly loud for their size, but not all that loud) while rabbits make loud baby screams. And what about the lambs, Clarice? > Which leads to the question, what are they keeping so quiet about? > What do they KNOW??? [ominious music] Only they know how to flush The Rabbits' Restroom. -- K. Clarice, have the lambs stopped posting in all capitals? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mumenschanz on teh train Date: Wed, 11 May 2005 19:56:26 -0400 Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > I've been practising the theremin quite a lot recently, and almost > didn't draw blood on one occasion, so I must be improving. Um, that's not the Theremin, that's the cauterizer you're sticking your hand into. The Theremin's the thing that makes irritating noises which aren't screams. It was named after a character in Isaac Asimov's "Nightfall" and was made out of an old Atari 800 with two paddle controllers, using over three lines of BASIC code. So anyway, Lev Theremin, Nicola Tesla, and Van D. Graaf were in an elevator together, when the cheap Edison-made light bulb in the overhead socket burned out and it got dark and scary. Van said, " Eh, you finish the story. To make it easy for you, I'll even supply a good punchline: "I can't, I'm already standing on Steinmetz!" -- K. You know, Mrs. Terrain's plastic surgeon. The acid man. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now, Please Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:24:29 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > if you've never felt as if your entire pelvic floor were > trying to collapse into a black hole, you don't know just how > lucky you are. So let it collapse! Nothing can escape from a black hole, which means no pain can come out of it! Your pain will be trapped beyond your internal event horizon where it can never hurt anyone no matter how hard Stephen Hawking tries to get it out! > and, also, too, as well, everyone who has never had the > pleasure of feeling this particular brand of pain has now been > relocated to the top of my Ladder of Hate. Oh, I say that about lots of types of pain. Especially when I'm cooking chili. -- K. I wonder if you can get sushi with raw electric eel meat that's still shockingly fresh? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now, Please Date: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:39:21 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, I say that about lots of types of pain. > > yabbut, do you *mean* it? Doesn't matter, as long as the pain comes true. > > I wonder if you can get sushi with raw electric > > eel meat that's still shockingly fresh? > > probably. i saw a commercial on network teevee for a vibrator > with razor blade attachment, so i guess anything is now > officially possible. Yawn. You can attach a razor blade to _any_ vibrator with a little duct tape. Wake me when they start selling a platinum cautery knife attachment, because one of mine has a spot to connect one of those but I'm missing the attachment. -- K. That reminds me, I should go see if my new lightsaber has arrived. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correct Bowel Movement Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 01:06:12 -0400 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Yesterday I went on a "train the trainer" course, which enables attendees > to teach people lessons they won't forget in a hurry. Or somesuch. I give the "train the trainer who trains the trainer who trains the trainer" classes. Or so I'm told. > The bulk of the day was spent in small groups, teaching the group members a > simple task, and in turn being taught something by them. "I learned to say goodbye to five hundred dollars! Now I feel five hundred dollars smarter!" > I was in a group with 5 women and spent a thoroughly enjoyable morning > learning how to fold serviettes (in two different styles), tie knots, > make chocolate crackles, and braid hair. Um. Either you were in summer camp, or you were in a mental institution. Was decoupage involved? > These tasks were all assessed by practical demonstration. > > One of the sessions the other group ran was called "Correct Bowel Movement", > which I gather involved teaching people how to defecate correctly. I don't > know if it was assessed practically, but let's just assume it was. Feel free > to relate this total speculation as hard fact. Quick, someone publish a CD of "Beethoven's Most Incorrect Bowel Movement". -- K. And how do you spell decoupage? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Correct Bowel Movement Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 23:17:25 -0400 Jeremy D. Impson (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > [...] > > Don't get me wrong. I have a tiny wireless laptop, and my favorite > pastime is expelling shite into the bowl and onto USENET concurrently, > so I'm totally sympathetic to the allure of bathroom reading. The Internet can no longer take you seriously, because of your bathroom habits. (You may use that sentence as your new .signature, provided it's not illustrated.) I often post to Usenet from the subway, which gives you a guarantee that I'm not pooping while posting. Worst that could happen would be I might be sitting between somebody who smells like pee and somebody else who smells like older pee. I would stop riding the subway if they allowed people to poop on it. This is why I haven't been to the Boston Public Library in a while. -- K. "Mommy, how do you flush the Internet?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 04:06:24 -0400 [www.sfgate.com] -> -> Police say they know origin of finger in chili -> Digit belonged to acquaintance of suspect's husband -> -> Ryan Kim and Dave Murphy, Chronicle Staff Writers -> Friday, May 13, 2005 -> -> The finger found in a bowl of Wendy's chili belongs to an -> acquaintance of the husband of Anna Ayala, the Las Vegas woman -> who claimed she accidentally bit into the finger while enjoying -> a meal with friends, San Jose police said Friday. What an amazing coincidence! She should thank Wendy's for giving her that finger so she could return it to her husband's pal! -> Police Chief Rob Davis said the acquaintance, a Nevada man whose -> name was not released, had lost the fingertip in an industrial -> accident in December. -> -> "The jig is up," Davis said. "The puzzle pieces are beginning to -> fall into place, ANNA AYALA IS THE JIGSAW KILLER!!! Oh no! This means she's going to lock Cary Elwes and a really bad actor who's also a really bad scriptwriter in a bathroom and contrive an incredibly implausible way to make them cut off their own feet while not noticing the guy lying on the floor three feet away is breathing and also Danny Glover has godlike powers to spy on all this and also he can make his car go really fast by just sitting in it while the camera shakes around! -> and the truth is beginning to be exposed." -> -> Scientific tests on Wednesday and Thursday confirmed that the -> finger belonged to the Nevada man, Davis said. Authorities -> wouldn't detail the type of testing. Could be DNA. Or could be a fingerprint test. You know, by matching the print on the finger to the print of the finger he doesn't have. -> But a source told The Chronicle that "DNA will play a role" -> in the case. I hope DNA can act better than that amateur actor who wrote "Saw". Hmm, I suppose a horror movie about someone who did or didn't find a finger in her chili would be better than "Saw" in just about every way. "Saw" didn't even make me hungry, let alone scare me. -> Ayala, 39, was arrested April 21 on suspicion of attempted grand -> theft for allegedly costing Wendy's millions of dollars in a -> plot to shake down the fast-food chain with a tainted-food claim. -> -> [...] -> -> Davis said the crucial break came in a May 4 call to a hot line -> set up by Wendy's, which offered a $100,000 reward for -> information revealing how the finger ended up in the chili. The -> tipster told investigators about the Nevada man who might have -> been the source of the finger, police said. Detectives -> interviewed the man, an acquaintance of Ayala's husband, that -> day and learned that he'd lost his finger in the December -> industrial accident in Nevada. It's interesting to note that the newspaper keeps saying "acquaintance". They must have some reason they think they'd get sued if they called this guy a "friend". PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU THEIR SEVERED FINGER ARE NOT REALLY YOUR FRIEND. -> Also on May 4, police arrested Ayala's husband, James -> Plascencia, 43, at the Las Vegas paving firm where he worked on -> unrelated felony charges of failure to pay child support and -> committing identity theft by assuming the name and Social -> Security number of his young son, allegedly to avoid having his -> wages garnisheed for child support in a previous relationship. "Gee, Dad, thanks for fucking up my life so that you could avoid having to pay for the support of the other kid whose life you're also ruining." -> Once they had the confirmed finger link, San Jose police -> returned to Nevada on Thursday to question the man who lost the -> finger and "determined that this individual did provide the -> fingertip to James Plascencia," Davis said. -> -> To avoid harming the ongoing investigation, police would not -> identify the man who lost the digit or the hot-line tipster. -> Davis also declined to detail how the finger was preserved and -> transported in the three months from when it was severed from -> the man's hand in Nevada to its infamous resurfacing at the San -> Jose Wendy's. And what about the extra-girly Lee Press-On Nail? Oh, I just figured out why they thought they'd get sued if they called him a "friend". Especially if they used the first half of the word too -- "boy". -- K. By the way, I saw "Saw" and it sucked "Sucked". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:15:36 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ANNA AYALA IS THE JIGSAW KILLER!!! > > btw, first person to tip Kibo off about the existence of Anna AYLO and > what she's planning for her trip to Boston will be in for a HEAP o' fun. I wouldn't exactly call it "fun", except for me, when I hunt you down and force you to saw your own foot off as punishment for coming up with such an EVIL idea as "Anna Aylo". And the worst part is, because that ice-cream truck song has annoyed me 50,000 times, I'll make you saw off your foot 50,000 times. > [...] > > how does William S. Burroughs fit into this, again? They had to grind him up really fine. Check the "taco salad". -- K. (BETTER KNOWN AS "HACKSAW" AT TIMES LIKE THIS EVEN THOUGH I PREFER POWER TOOLS) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 22:51:32 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And the worst part is, because that ice-cream truck song has annoyed > > me 50,000 times, I'll make you saw off your foot 50,000 times. > > 'sokay. I hear and obey. I'll send proof of my compliance with your > wishes in email first thing. > > (I WIN!!!) Any ordinary bozo can cut off an ASCII foot and E-mail it. I'm expecting you to use FedEx and a big box of dry ice, because I could use some dry ice. Put the foot in a Zip-Loc first so as not to get the dry ice wet. Recite the dialogue from the Zip-Loc scene of Taymor's version of "Titus Andronicus" while you are zipping the little zipper over what used to be your foot. It's my foot now. In exchange, I'll mail you a cup of Wendy's chili, and a packet of slightly used crackers. -- K. Proof is never demanded once someone becomes FULLY compliant. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Chilifinger finder saga nears its conclusion, yay Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 21:16:44 -0400 More words have now been written about this finger than if Neil Armstrong stepped off that ladder and gave the Earth the finger. [www.klastv.com] -> -> Exclusive: Chili Finger Tipster Talks -> -> Adrian Arambulo, Reporter -> -> On Friday, Eyewitness News tracked down the man who tipped off -> police to the origin of the finger. It came from a HAND!!! Gimme my money. -> He says both Anna Ayala's husband and the man who lost his finger -> worked for him at his Las Vegas business. -> -> [...] -> -> Casey says the accident occurred at his business, Lamb Asphalt, -> last year. He says one of his workers was handling some -> equipment when he lost a fingertip. That worker was rushed to -> the hospital. The finger tip remained there initially, but it -> was given back to the worker. From now on, bozos will not be allowed to have their severed fingers back. All fingers should be mailed directly to Wendy's so they may assure their destruction in a non-chili manner. -> Ironically, Lamb Asphalt maintains the parking lots at local -> Wendy's and that relationship sparked Casey's actions. "And if -> we can help them solve the issue that cost them a lot of money -> and P.R. problems, we are more than happy to do it and it is our -> community duty to do what we can." -> -> Casey said Plasencia had a reputation as a good worker and that -> the employee who lost his finger is a long-time valued worker. -> So, he is really hoping he was not involved in any plot. Especially if it's a "24" plot, because just summarizing it could waste fifteen pounds of paper even before we get to the part about how Cisco routers and Hewlett-Packard computers can stop terrorists with their evil Alienware laptops from crashing a train and stealing a suitcase containing a gadget they will use to hack the Internet under the cover of kidnapping the Secretary Of Defense for a show trial when they're really plotting to melt down all the nuclear reactors in the country except that then Jack Bauer finds the gadget and turns it off but the defense contractor that built it detonates an electromagnetic pulse destroying all computer equipment in Los Angeles except for Cisco and Hewlett-Packard products and then in the chaos the terrorists steal a Stealth Fighter so they can shoot down Air Force One so that they can steal the other suitcase and this time it's the one which contains the nuclear launch codes for all of our nuclear missiles instead of nuclear reactors and Jack Bauer can only find them by torturing 39 bad guys and 43 good guys and invading the Chinese embassy and offing his girlfriend's ex-husband but it's too late they launched the missile anyway and I can't wait to see tomorrow's grand finale where they will make all of the preceding 23 hours make sense and be perfectly plausible and not hokey and strained wow. If he were involved in that plot, it would greatly complicate things and I would have to write a summary where I omitted even more important details about the nonsense. -- K. P.S. If you don't buy a Cisco router, the terrorists will win. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The chilifinger news just will not stop! Date: Wed, 18 May 2005 18:58:25 -0400 I don't care how sick we all are of hearing about the stupid woman who pretended to not enjoy pretending to eat a finger! There's new news, so I have to post it here! [sfgate.com] -> -> Worker gave his finger to settle $50 debt -> -> Mother says laborer who provided digit unaware of alleged plot -> against Wendy's -> -> Alan Gathright, Meredith May, Chronicle Staff Writers -> Wednesday, May 18, 2005 -> -> Las Vegas -- The Las Vegas man whose severed fingertip ended up in -> a cup of Wendy's chili gave his mangled digit to a co-worker to -> settle a $50 debt -- but had no idea it would be used in an -> alleged scheme to swindle the fast-food chain, the man's mother -> said Tuesday. $50 for a finger? I'd say he got swindled worse than Wendy's was supposed to. Fingers are worth a lot more than $50. It's toes that are only worth $50. -> San Jose police have refused to name the man whose finger they -> believe ended up in the chili. But the man's mother, reached by -> The Chronicle on Tuesday, said the finger belonged to her -> 36-year-old son, Brian Paul Rossiter of Las Vegas. -> -> "My son is the victim in this,'' Rossiter's mother, Brenda Shouey, -> said in a telephone interview from her Pennsylvania home. "I -> believe he got caught in something, and he didn't understand what -> was going on.'' I'm pretty sure he understood once he saw blood spurting out of the severed stump after he got caught in it. -> [...] -> -> Shouey said her son was desperate for cash when he gave his finger -> away. -> -> "He had a money problem. He owed $50 to this character, James," -> Shouey said. One wonders how this conversation went. "You owe me $50. Pay up now or I'll break your legs." "Would you take a severed finger instead? I've got it right here." "Well, that would save me a lot of work..." -> [...] -> -> "My son is a happy-go-lucky guy. He thought it was cute to show" -> the severed finger, Shouey said. "It's like a man thing. If a -> woman had her finger severed, she would never show it to anyone. -> But he would show it to the girls in the office if they asked." We have a new winner for World's Worst Way To Pick Up Chicks. "Hey, I'm an amputee, want to see what I've got in this cooler I carry around with me everywhere?" -> [...] -> -> Without identifying Rossiter, San Jose police spokesman Enrique -> Garcia reaffirmed Tuesday that the man who lost the finger "is -> being cooperative with us and assisting us in the investigation.'' And now he's also an honorary Yakuza! -> [...] -> -> At the Las Vegas trailer park where Rossiter lived until February, -> residents who knew he'd lost the finger were surprised to learn it -> had wound up in the bizarre chili saga. -> -> "I know he smashed his hand in one of the construction vehicles,'' -> Dan Gelzaines said. "He showed it to me. It looked like this," -> Gelzaines said, lifting his hand to show an index finger missing -> its tip from his own carpentry accident. Worst "Dick Van Dyke Show" punchline ever. -- K. Has this all become an off-Broadway musical yet? News stories about cannibalism always do. Hey, which one inspired "Hello, Dolly"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: trekwars Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:27:35 -0400 Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Star Trek is over! yay! > > and in a few days, Star Wars will be over! > > I wonder how long it'll last. Well, they _are_ claiming another "Star Trek" movie is in the works, and they _are_ doing further "Star Wars" TV spinoffs (George Lucas has declared that the "Clone Wars" cartoon series will be followed by a computer-animated series, possibly featuring a horribly life-like Jar Jar) so I don't think you can declare them both dead until all the spinoffs flop. Maybe if you're lucky the spinoffs will all have really terrible Rod Stewart power ballads as theme songs so everyone will hate them whether or not they get good right before they're cancelled and flushed. I always think that when a movie is really bad, they should take the master negative and put one end in a toilet in a gas station restroom and flush and wave bye-bye as it spends ninety minutes unspooling for the last time. I know sewer workers find all sorts of crazy things in the grates of the sewage-treatment plants, but I don't know if anyone's ever flushed a whole bad movie. We gotta try it. Since I recently saw "Saw", let's go for it. Who here owns the master negative of "Saw"? -- K. Can we call a moratorium on evil vent figures? I'm sorry, but ventriloquism lost its power to impress people around the time radio was invented. Nobody freaked out when they put Charlie McCarthy and Howdy Doody on the radio! Howdy Doody didn't even have a _body_ back then, let alone his hideous original face! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Storms Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 14:57:22 -0400 shelly (scouvrette@bluemarble.net) wrote: > > TeaLady (Mari C.) (spressobean@yahoo.com): > > > > Way cool storm just drifted in from Indiana, or maybe > > Michigan. Dark dark clouds, lightning, rain, wind. No hail, > > bummer. > > i believe that was ours (Indiana). if so, it expelled all of its hail > over Spencer. so sorry! if i'd've known you actually wanted it, i > would've given it back. > > > I love a good storm. > > freak. I love any storm, whether it's good, or naughty, or both. There's a basilica across the street from me. It's not the tallest thing on this part of Mission Hill, but it's what gets hit by lightning the most often because God Hates Churches. Whenever there's a lightning storm, I go outside and take lots of photos of the basilica getting fried. Some of my church lightning photos: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4902.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4853.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_200407.jpg http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4858.jpg And a construction site down the street: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_lightning_4533.jpg Basically, if the storm is to the south (on the far side of the basilica) it seems to reach over and smack the south side of the basilica -- not the highest point, but generally one of the southernmost points. I've never seen it struck from the north, because then the lightning would probably prefer to jump onto my building. The low storm clouds seem to stay to the south most of the time, probably due to terrain reasons. (I'm only aware my my taller building getting hit once -- it was the traditional "bzzzzzzzzzz*BANG*!" sound.) I have no fear of lightning. None. Electricity is my friend. -- K. I eat electricity for breakfast. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: That's no moon, it's the world's lamest plastic model kit! Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 15:20:47 -0400 A couple months ago I mentioned the forthcoming awesomely-complicated Lego Death Star kit: http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_03_lego_death_star.jpg Well, I was at the toy store yesterday and they had an AMT brand plastic model kit that was supposed to build a big Death Star. From the size of the box, and the simplicity of the final product (a plastic ball with some light bas-relief lines on it) I believe the box most likely contains two hemispheres. It is marked as skill level 2 (on a scale of 1 to 3), because they probably also sell something which comes in as many as three pieces. Target's Web site claims this new Death Star contains "over 75 pieces", and I'm guessing most of them must be sprue and instructions, 'cause this photo sure makes it look like there are only 9 (counting the stand): http://www.kibo.com/pix/2005_05_death_star_model.jpg As is typical with AMT, Revell, etc., the parts don't fit together well enough to make it look like a Death Star instead of a defective Rubik's product. The invisible seams are actually much more visible than the molded details. Luke Skywalker could probably destroy that thing without using the Force. He'd just have to throw a rock at it and it would shatter, unless the rock went straight through one of those cracks and came out the other side. Only the Japanese know how to do plastic model kits right -- Kotobukiya models blow AMT and Revell out of the water, and there is no comparison between gloppy Testor's paint and the sheer Tamiya paint. I wonder if they still publish that Japanese magazine that's half plastic model robot photos and half bondage porn? -- K. Japan is SO WEIRD. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant review:CAL Followup-To: alt.stupid-is.as-stupid.does.sir Date: Sat, 14 May 2005 21:17:11 -0400 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I am going to be out of town and off the interweb for 2 weeks. > > During this time I would appreciate it if you all could participate in > an experiment for me. Please stop responding to CAL. I just cant > delete that fast anymore. I am getting old. And Iwant to read KevinS > posts again. They cannot reach any level of quality as long as he keeps > jerking this chain. What, you don't think it makes Kevin look smart when he devotes so much of his day to showing us he can hold his own against an idiot? -- K. Now Kurt Stocklmeir, _he_ was funny, until his brain finally finished curling up. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Role-Playing Game Of Doomy Doom Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 02:08:24 -0400 [info.mgnetwork.com] -> -> Three People Killed Over Role-Playing Game in Southeastern Brazil -> -> SAO PAULO, Brazil (AP) -- A 21-year-old man and his parents were -> killed after the man agreed to be murdered along with his family -> if he lost a murder-mystery role-playing game, local media -> reported Saturday. Never mind how old he was. What level was he? Was he level 7 so he could make his own scenarios? -> Two men, 21-year-old Mayderson de Vargas Mendes and 22-year-old -> Ronald Ribeiro Rodrigues, were arrested Friday after confessing -> to the killings, police said. Such poor sportsmanship! He should have left an elaborate series of clues and traps for the police, instead of spoiling their fun by turning himself in. He should have built a giant dungeon that he could leave around just for them to explore. Also it should have had a room filled with jewels and a room filled with armor they could wear and at least one Orb Of Something Or Other Of Which There's Only One In The Universe Because You Need It To Solve Some Stupid Puzzle. -> Thiago Andrade Guedes apparently died after agreeing that -> whoever lost the game would be killed with his family -- just as -> it happened in the game, police investigator Alexandre Lucente -> Capella told the Folha de S. Paulo newspaper. So the guy in the game was also murdered after losing the game-within-the-game, where someone was murdered after losing the game-within-the-game-within-the-game? -> Authorities said all three men -- who had known each other for -> about two years -- were playing characters that might be murdered -> depending on the outcome of the game. Guedes lost, and allegedly -> allowed the other men to carry out the killings, police said. See, now _that's_ good sportsmanship. -> Guedes and his parents were killed on April 26 after being -> drugged and tied to a bed, police said. Their bodies were found -> nine days later at the home in the town of Guarapari, 700 -> kilometers (440 miles) northeast of Sao Paulo. -> -> Police arrested Mendes and Rodrigues after a search in Guedes' -> room showed that the three men had been together for other -> role-playing games. ...and I'll wager they all involved being tied to beds. -> Mendes and Rodrigues were charged with murder and could face up -> to 30 years in prison if convicted, police said. That'll be enough time for a really long role-playing game! -- K. I'd recommend the "bodyguard" role, not the "bitch" role. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I missle you all! Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:14:26 -0400 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@gmail.com) wrote: > > [...] I have tracked down the invisible extra space in my name and > terminated it, so now Kibo can NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN. Dear Talysman One-Space Definite Article Another-Space Mesopotamian-City- Hyphen-Bug Now With Only One Space Unless You Count The Other One: Goody for you. Sincerely, The Amazing And Dangerous Kibo Who Has Put His Tongue On Every Electrical Device At The Museum Of Science Just Like Nicola Tesla Would Have If He Wasn't Too Crazy To Be Able To Leave His House To Go To The Stupid Science Museum. > [...] recently, McDonald's was running a billboard ad campaign out > here that showed some ice cream sundae with the caption "Time To Feed > Your Inner Child". only, one of the billboards didn't say that, > because someone did a pretty good job of altering it so that the > last three words were "... My Fat Ass". Who was it who came up with the book title "Digesting The Child Within"? I don't have an inner child. I have an inner giant rubber Japanese monster. Sort of like I'm Godzilla on the inside, except even more huggably destructive. -- K. <-- hey, look, spaces. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Newfangled Dinosaurs Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 20:30:36 -0400 Mark Fergerson (nunya@biz.ness) wrote: > > So my grandson comes up to me with this plastic toy dinosaur, > apparently a commercial tiein to one of the Jurassic Park movies > (the "brand" on the hip was a clue). It's got a white bony-looking > face and skull, blue body stripes, and its head bobs up and down > when you press a button built into the unbranded hip. He wanted to > know what the name of that kind of dino was and I didn't know. Sheesh. Any good grandpa would have just made up some lie, just like real science museums do. You coulda called it an Awesomesaurus or an Explodasaur and the kid would have been so happy that he would have sworn